[me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires... men.
I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive... ...I would choose alive. -B.J. Novak-
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box. Heyooooooo
Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.
Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't ask her out again.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Telling my daugthers date that "she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her." *Correct way to parent.
What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth.
How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic? Hasta last vista, baby.
My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding... Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf @adamzopf
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? 'Cause they are freaking good at it
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
"That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!"  women
My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission. I guess I'll deal with him later.
What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik
How to get a cop's attention
What happens to a necrophiliac after death? Reserection
Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side.
Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? At the calf-eteria.
What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting.
Mom: "Do you want this?" Me: "No." Mom: "Ok I'll give it to your brother." Me: "No I want it."
How do you fit 4 gays on one barstool? Flip it over!
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here." He leaves without resistance.
A guy pick up a woman Then he puts her down
Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day.
Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers? Math hue.
Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
Ted Cruz getting elected.
Before I destroy a wasp's nest I like to capture a single wasp and tell it my entire diabolical plan.
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team? The New York jets.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Coming on valentines day. Fifty shades of grey. There won't be a dry seat in the cinema.
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.
Someone didnt click the button in /r/thebutton Yeah... Thats a good joke , he impossible!
What's the difference between a car tyre, and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, an the other's a great year.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.
I've struggled for years to be above the influence... But I've never been able to get that high
With Facebook, you can stay in touch with people you would otherwise never talk to, but that's only one of the many awful things about it
What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.
Have you ever heard of the movie "Constipation"? No? Most likely because it never came out.
What's black, blue and doesn't look too well? Stevie Wonder
I saw a French rifle on eBay today It's never been fired but I heard it was dropped once.
What did the car said to the valet? I've been through a lot.
Bill Clinton must be the luckiest man in the world. All of the sex he has, with Hillary, you know it's hate sex.
yeah girl.. shake that thing where poop comes out of. it really turns me on when your poop factory shakes faster than usual
"I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates." --Stephen Hawking
A Mexican fireman had twin boys He named them Jose and Hose B
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before!
Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again
Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles "JD Power and Associates".
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom.
Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 "humorists". 2/3rds of a person? Really?
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.
I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole.
Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines
What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"
7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.
What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex
I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt!
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Jenna Jameson to Oprah, "There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone." I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.
Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.
I have a degree in men's studies. It's called "world history". #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!
Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.
My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin better.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)
What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.
What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.
What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
"I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-" "A what?" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. "A bagel. I HATE carbs."
What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.
When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."
You know what the definition of "competitive" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.
How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.
What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming
[car wreck] [hand reaches out] "Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback." [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?  Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.
I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.
Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
When my wife takes a nap, it's "desperately needed rest." When I do, it's "lazy chauvinist party-time."
"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.
What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.
Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.
Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.
Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay.
This morning I had a swollen testicle. "I'd have simply preferred toast," I told my wife.
"What's that?" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* "WTH!?!"
What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated "Don't worry, I still have my third one."
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.
There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.
I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs.
Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows
Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I'm in tears*
In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."
It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact.
You could be a "Before" model.
Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, "will you have your usual tonight?" Rene replies "I think not" and he disappears.
Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...
My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.
With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!
[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word "bae"
Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine
What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew.
What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery.
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
What is your best "Yo mama" joke?
What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR
Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!
I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
A man balks in a war He is discharged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.
Instead of calling them flyover states we should call them comments section.
A triangle exploded and a piece hit me. It was a 60-debris angle.
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income  family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good.......
Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.
What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? "Hey, can you help me pack my shit?"
Coworker: Stop Me: collaborate and listen Coworker: Don't Me: you forget about me Coworker: Hey! Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his  own.
Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
My house is really small until I can't find my phone.
Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you... I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.
I don't understand women. I also don't understand how a car works but I still drive it.
What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage? Tri-weekly Try Weekly and Try Weakly
How do they calculate global warming? Al-gore-ythms
What happens when Turkeys get the common cold? They quit smoking.
The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.
What do gays and melons have in common? cantaloupe...
My girlfriend is great in bed... But I don't know how my best friend would know that.
What do you call a Jedi who worries about not making deadlines? Panickin' Skywalker.
Why did the composer go to the chiropractor? Because he had Bach problems
[Justice League HQ] SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I'll just fight daytime crimes
If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff badum tss
My favourite word is snigger It allows me to be sracist without speople sthinking I'm a sbad sperson
How do you hide an elephant in a fridge? You remove his slippers and open the door . You put him inside. You close the door and take the slippers away.
Pete and repeat are in a boat Pete and repeat are brothers. Pete falls overboard, who's left?
What do you call a green cow in a field? Invisibull.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to the gym manager when he was joining a new gym? I'll re-rack.
You're shoes are untied! April fools! Got ya!!
Right now a group of women at a baby shower are simultaneously saying, "Awwww..." while some knocked up chick holds up a tiny pair of socks.
Gentlemen test At least most tests have the decency to ask me my name, before they fuck me.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
I went in to hospital for an operation... I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said: "Sure, knock yourself out".
A piece of shit walks into a bar It's my dad... My dad is a piece of shit.
What's a snakes favourite dance ? The mamba !
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
What is the last thing that tickle-me elmo gets before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles
What do you get when you cross a sheep stealer with royalty? Mutton Looter King
An Indian redditor gets an arranged marriage. He turns to his partner and says: "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? ..........Nothing you've already told her twice!
I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's "The Final Countdown" during the last 30 seconds.
Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with.
What do you call it when a jugaloo sleeps with his girlfriend after a fight? Make up sex.
How does a baboon make phone calls? He just monkeys around on the line!
Kids are like farts. You don't mind your own, but others peoples are just unbearable
Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.
I milked the cow "We don't have a cow" the neighbors' cow then "Their cat?" Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo "Meow" Ah shoot
Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.
The IRA have been fighting for Irish reunification since the 70s. . . All they needed to do was vote for the Conservatives.
How many Reddit admins does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they like to keep the mods in the dark.
Why is Chapstick so popular? Cause it's the balm baby!
What is the best advice to give a worm?  Sleep late.
If I was antisocial I wouldn't have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
What's a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider
Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..
I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew but I still have to shoot the pilot.
My friend always wanted to work in animation, but never got past the interview He just couldn't understand the difference between a professional "colorist" and a professional "racist"
[sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?
so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!
You're so fat and unfunny... that the only punchlines you have are stained on your shirt.
A kiss will make her day But anal will make her hole weak
Glue is weird it's all like hey I want to stick these pieces of paper together wait I have an idea hand me that dead horse
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.
Some people say Glenn Frey got pneumonia from the cold... But that can't be true because he said the Heat is On.
A duck walks up to a prostitute.... And says, "put it on my bill"
What is the best part about having sex with 23 year olds? There's 20 of them. (Works better in person)
My love for you is like a fart. Everything about it is powered by my heart.
What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake? Get off me, homes.
"You're a unit of power Joe." "I'm a Watt?"
I once bought an e. e. cummings poem collection.. It was the worst game of Mad Libs ever.
Why is it that the more numbers someone has in their e-mail address, the less I respect them?
What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Shut the door im dressing
My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!
If you ever need help learning C++, I can give you some pointers. And you can keep me as a reference.
What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room? You made the chain too long in the kitchen.
A good rule of thumb is to never be in Liam Neeson's movie family.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.
Why was the baby ant so confused? Because all of his uncles were ants!
Don't buy whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days. 15 days have come and gone... and I am still asian.
After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says (-1)/8
Simba - "welcome to... The bone zone" Nala - "the what?" Simba - "elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard"
How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress? They have a lot of patients
I wonder if dog's had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.
Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.
My ex-girlfriend was a slut. She bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie. edit: Going through a potential breakup, so if you see this, this isnt about you, babe. Dont leave me, please.
Why Did the Ebola Patient Cross the Road? Trick question. There are no roads in Africa.
ME: Haha you can tell them any name and they have to say it BARISTA: I have a latte for "A Person Who Deserves Love"? ME [crying]: Hahaha
Peter Pan escaped the adult world... ...by becoming an alcoholic. He goes by Peter the Panhandler now.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard
My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night....I could see it in her eyes
FOR SALE: Faulty Guitar. No strings attached.
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfit fanatic walk into a bar... Who talks more?
How is light beer like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. I'll see myself out.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
What do you call a number that won't sit still? A roamin' numeral. :P
Where do drinks go on vacation? Coaster Rica
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.
My terrible Joke but I never forget it. A dyslexic man walked into a bra....
What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)
Believe it or not, my wife and I were actually matched on Tinder. We'd been married for 12 years.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he's crying in the corner.
So a Trabi owner pulls up to a gas station... ...and says to the attendant: "Two windscreen wipers for my Trabi please." The attendant replies: "That sounds like a good deal!"
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they'll just beat the room for being black!
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
What did nazi pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles
So a blind man walks into a bar He hurts himself pretty badly.
If you're not one of the first five boys in the yard, you almost never get a milkshake.
sometimes i visit websites that have videos of people making love
Why aren't Tyler Perry movies for the light-hearted? They're dark comedies.
Every woman I've ever been with only saw me the way they wanted to see me... ...in their rearview mirror.
How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi
How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says "I da ho".
Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?
[Google search history] Moles How to kill moles How to make homemade bombs Rescue moles from cave-in Dealing with regret Mole stew
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. And then it hit me.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[Ouija board] Spirits are you there? U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K *flips board*
Not being able to read because your book ran out of batteries is a pretty hilarious first-world problem.
My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.
Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?
What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like? a baaahhhd movie. (   )
An irishman walks out of a bar...
Brexit There is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.
Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the "orange you glad I didn't say banana" knock knock joke
What is a bear's favourite drink ?  Koka-Koala !
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers? Sub-WUB-WUB-WUB-way
Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me  Steve' he said in the letter. 'Why?' asked his mother in her reply. 'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me' he wrote  back.
Do hamburgers make good vampires? No because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!
Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail. ^-- ^Ed ^Byrne
I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.
A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF! He was gone, without a tres.
Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes.
A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.
My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"
Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy? Well it's true, you are what you eat.
They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen
Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan
Don't you just hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.
My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!
*nose hairs growing out of control *buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?
Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."
I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded "yeah, and you have the same problem at home"
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter
What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm
What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.
What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? "It's a Moray."
I submitted 10 of my best puns to a Joke competition expecting at least 1 to win, but... No pun in ten did..
Shoutout to people who don't know what the opposite of in is. I'll give you some time for this one.
Did you guys know that water can talk? Water you talking about?
ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw on a light bulb? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!
If chopsticks were really better than a fork... ...wouldn't we be digging ditches with pool cues?
First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing... H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!
Thank god I have the newest, fastest iPhone so I can mindlessly check the same three apps 500 times a day.
Jared Fogle was guilty and got 16 years He was just grateful for anything under 18. Credit to SNL that joke might have converted me to watch.
What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni
This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I'll raise my dog however I like.
A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.
Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.
[date gets back from the bathroom] those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids? "kids?"
I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.
I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.
I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis... But they were just arguing semitics.
Pavlov's doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: "Shit, I need to feed the dogs!"
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.
HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.
When I was 8 years old, my dad got me with the worst dad joke ever. He said he was going to the store and would be back soon...
Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*
I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer
What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them
Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"
What did the Mexican say when I pushed him on the lawn? Grassy Ass!
I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk
What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.
Have you ever seen those "Give a penny, take a penny" things at convenience stores??? that makes no cents
Me: .... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I bet if I were a MAN Apple wouldn't tell me my password ideas are weak.
if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like "do you know why i pulled you over?"
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you'd like one because you're an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I'm sorry, Black Lives Matter is actually a peaceful and forward thinking movement that our society needs... Now if you could all stop sending me death threats on twitter that would be great.
My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..
Someone should invent a version of Twitter for people who spell things like rappers. They could call it "twita". Dat would b nize
NSFW Men are like a deck of cards... You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his fucking face in and a spade to bury the bastard!
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Yes, life is meaningless, but some of the food is decent.
"You know what." -- They.
I don't like drive-thru's I think it's money out the window.
What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train
Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage
THE HORROR! *splat THE TRAGEDY! *splat IT'S AWFUL! *splat SO MUCH BLOOD! *splat WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! *splat -It's raining men.
What the quickest way to a mans heart? Though his chest with a knife
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Where do you find an enlightened mosquito? In Bhuddapest
Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife. "Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs... One says to the other "should we stop and outnumber them?" ...   "keep running you fool we're brothers!!"
I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately.
What do you call it when two designers argue about what file type to export a graphic to? Getting into a bit of a .tiff!
A doctor reaches into his pocket and finds his rectal thermometer He says "Shit, some asshole took my pen!"
how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)
How do skeletons reproduce? They bone.
Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.
I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd
How do you make an Amish woman happy? Three Men-A-Night
Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery
If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.
I know dream catchers don't work because I've never seen one in a car worth more than two thousand dollars.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.
When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game? Before first period
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea
At my last checkup the doctor said he needed a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample ... ... I said " Doc, I can speed this along - I'll just leave you my underwear !"
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.
If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say? Who farted?
Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!
Taking calculus has made me want to become Prime Minister of a European country Then I can just throw money at problems instead of trying to integrate them.
My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities
From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.
How many people with dementia does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
What type of fruit is not allowed to get married? Cantaloupe...
I like my women like I like my coffee... I don't fucking like coffee.
butts are truly the final frontier. to think we know more about SPACE than we do about the human butt. two fleshy mounds of mystery & wonder
I find like geologers make really good friends... ...they are very down to Earth.
I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the artic... ...Doc says I might have "Buy Polar" disorder! EDIT: arctic*
Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.
How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call it Brian Beano.
I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.
This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths
Redditors don't like this [Deleted]
Mom writes to her son in Poland's army: "Dear Son, I am writing this letter ever so slowly..... ....because I know you cannot read fast"
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
The best thing about adolescent humor... is that it never gets old!
I hate how the losers of every election maintain such a high view of themselves... They're conceded
I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family
Why did the vampire attack the clown? He wanted the circus to be in his blood.
"It's 5 o'clock somewhere." - a shitty watch.
How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood
What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called? A Game of Crohn's.
What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
Knock knock. Who's there? Benjamin. Benjamin Who? Yes, Benjamin Netanya Who.
If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.
A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, "Do you have any luggage?". "No," says the photon, "I'm traveling light."
If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.
its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people
Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.
"911, what's your emergency?" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.
Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.
Ever since the news came out about Samsung.... Their phones have been blowing up.
Osama Bn Laden Jokes in the title.
What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"
Trump wants to appoint Ben Carson to the Department of Education, but I think he would do better in the FDA He can feed everyone with all of the grain in those pyramids.
Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)
I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it "cooking"
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?
I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.
What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once.
I just released my mixtape in Tianjin. It was da bomb. Too soon?
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout "Heroes in a half shell." 3) When a girl yells back "Turtle Power," marry her.
What's the sharpest thing in the word? A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.
*calls into work* "yo boss i'm real sick" "you don't sound sick..." "ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys" "wow u do sound hella sick"
I'm not saying that girl's a slut... But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.
A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak
The best joke you'll never hear
how are a silver medalist and a priest alike They both came in a little behind
I wonder if a ghost has ever watched me masturbate.
S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.
Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.
Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Don't judge me because I like 80's music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.
When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.
What's a con-artists favorite holiday? Scamentine's Day.
An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,"we dont serve your kind here". The disease replies, "well you're not a very good host!"
If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Having the option to erase and re-record after having to leave a voicemail is one of my favorite things about life.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!
What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.
September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow.
Well it's like my dad always told me "When life gives ya lemons" Chances are you're in the fruit aisle.
What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !
I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer... I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.
Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.
Dad and son A son asks his father "Why does my bum hurt" while the father replies "Because I love you son"
Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!
A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss. When laying in her bed Looping round in her head Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
"Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere." - Doorknob
I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Islam is a race. Because it's inbreeds fucking each other.
Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!
Political Joke The Economy
Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...
What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls
When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?" Day Two: Murder
How to get a job... Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?" Interviewee: "I never learn from my mistakes" Interviewer: "Oh, why's that?" Interviewee: "I never make any"
I showed my son a floppy disk today... ...he said: 'oh cool, you 3D-printed a save icon'
What do golfers do on nights out? **par**ty.
How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.
I feel quite light today. Pounds aren't what they used to be.
"Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP" -first rule of Sprite Club
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Yo mama... Yo mama is so poor, she can't even pay attention
Difference between priest and acne? What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.
Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?
T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.
Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. - http://ww.key-n-lock.com
Did you hear about the constipated dyslexic? He had trouble moving his elbows.
Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill-areas
Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
[At the coroners' to identify a body] Me: "Yep. That's a body all right."
What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.
How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"
I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should eliminate any more drama.
Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.
I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say "Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?"
Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.
woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
Just stirred my coffee with a fork if any of you guys are looking for a new bad boy to join your crew.
I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.
What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts.  Sorry.
Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?
"Sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...
A horse walks into the bar Several people left because they realised the possible dangers of that situation.
I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.
What's the integral of 1/(cabin)? 1 natural log cabin. I'll show myself out.
What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Hate Black People" ...I thought to myself "Well damn- thats a little racist.
Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.
True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?  Dracowla!
A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY
Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening Many men have died after having a stroke
The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't
What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
Q. How did the blonde die  ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.
I really like those Black and White movies where no one speaks Inter racial porn.
hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.
Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I'll suck yo dick for a Upvote
Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.
I'm never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.
"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."
Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.
My friend asked me... My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want
Subway's Jared got famous for fitting into smaller pants... ...now he is known for hoping to get into really small pants.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.
Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they can't elope.
What did Asian Jesus say before he was crucified? (OC) YORO (You only resurrect once)
What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's? The Iforgotto
You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. :D edit: funnier when said aloud
I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.
I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good
What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows? A murder most fowl. (I'll see myself out...)
Which nut could pimp the Prince of Darkness? Mack-a-Dameon.
Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy
If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.
Tom got a backache from working as a seer. He's got the hunch.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early? Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Everyone in my class is arguing about science, And I'm just sitting here, maths debating.
A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks He charges the first boy and lets the other off.
The best way of saving money is to forget who  you borrowed it from.
I like my chicken how I like my babies Deep fried and delicious
I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.
what did cinderella do when she got to the ball? gag...
I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline... Apparently it's only for "victims".
My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, "no."
I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I've taken a Tern for the Wurst
If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.
"Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ." -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Follow your dreams. Unless you're a narcoleptic who wants to be a limo driver. That's dangerous, dude.
What was Hitler's last two words? Oy Vey!
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50 one buck at a time to panhandlers on the  street.
I can't tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::
How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down
Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your wife catch you doing it.
My life That's the joke.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don't be discouraged. You'll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"
I cheated a guy in poker so he burnt down my house. I guess you could say it was a conflagration
Two blonds are having a conversation. Two blonds are having a conversation when one says to the other "I had sex with a brazilian last night" The other blond replies "WOW that's a lot of men"
Did u hear about the leper poker game? everyone threw their hands in
'I want to see other kids.' ~Me, parenting.
The nintendo 64 turned 18 last month Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast? Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some? Son: NO. I hate casserole. Me (whispers): I know...
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero... At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.
"Some say I have a drinking problem" *pours glass of water on lap*
Fun typo: "You ate the most important thing in my life."
A mushroom walks into a bar The bartender says: "Get out of here! We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says: "Why not man? I really am a FunGi."
I voted for Jill Stein Finally I'm part of the 1%
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'? I've been flamed!
Starbucks really isn't that expensive when compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup
What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts
They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.
I heard that Being the one to circumcise elephants doesn't pay too well But the tips are huge!!
Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting? They literally can't even.
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is
What's the difference between coriander and cumin? You can't coriander your pants.
Sex makes your day, but anal makes you hole weak..
A sadist and a masochist meet The masochist starts pleading, "Hit me! Please hit me!" The sadist looks at him, smiles, and calmly replies, "No."
Got disoriented and walked into the wrong classroom. Didn't want to look stupid so I just went ahead and switched majors.
Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.
What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain's Log.
PSA: If you've got an Islamic dog... Muslim
How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It's not hard
What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk? Hae girl Hae
ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should be called Babies Were US C: ... ME: Get me your manager
A girl grabbed my cock and said, "Wow! Your dick wouldn't make a very good clock." "Why?" I asked, intrigued. "Because I'd struggle to get a second hand on it," she replied.
Broken pencils... ...are pointless.
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'
listen, officer - t h e o r e t i c a l l y - would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D
Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.
When I lived on a houseboat I was seeing the girl next door, but eventually we drifted apart.
Donald Trump Does this count as putting the punchline in the title?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her "golden shower" so goodnight.
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.
There's a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.
A man purchases a kitten, which he's having trouble house breaking. What does his friend say when he comes to visit? Your house is quite the cat-ass-trophy.
What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common? A sudden surge of seamen.
Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F? Because we're all a little obtuse.
Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them
There are two types of people in life... Those who think there are two types of people in life and the rest.
Dear Religion, Pics or it didn't happen. Love, Science
My best friend and I were comparing our penises... for who has the biggest. It ended in a tie.
If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country, if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
Why did the Storm Trooper decide to buy an Iphone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
What's the hardest part about vaping? Telling your parents you're gay
When I say I'm gonna take a nap, it means I'm gonna go on my computer for three hours.
Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett
My brother told me this today. Malayasia flight 404 not found.
I get turned on whenever I eat greek dips... ...I think I'm a hummusexual.
What is Moby Dicks dad's name? Poppa Boner
I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.
Pokemon Go has really improved my life... I used to always get in trouble for playing with my balls outside.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo That's how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I like my women like I like my coffee... [Fill in the blank]
Who does the Metric Cult worship? ...Demetre.
Why did the Canadian cross the road? Because that's the direction his car was sliding.
What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub? .....Add your laundry.
Describe yourself in one word Bad at describing myself with one word.
Opinions are like Assholes... Everyone has one, and some just taste better than others.
I don't always tell mom jokes But when i do, she laughs
What do black men find most shocking about sex? Tazers
Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
Today I learned two things: 1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals 2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Why do elephants have 4 feet? Because in the animal kingdom 6 inches just wont do
A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Sometimes you just need a really big fishing rod.
Make sure you don't forget the 'R' when you're Googling, "movies of Gary Oldman."
If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke, I would have a small loan of one million dollars
I like my steak like I like my women. White and domineering.
Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!
Prostitutes hate trick-or-treaters.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering "...it would be so easy..."
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
The definition of spin
How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...
Why doesn't Hitler go ski? Cause he's blown his fucking head.
What's the best kind of grass? Emo grass; the grass that cuts itself.
Thought I could safely force a fart... But it backfired.
Why don't they have a WHITE history month?? Why don't they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why's there no cemetery for ALIVE people??
The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and be awarded eternal life" John came fifth and was awarded a toaster
Why does Anna's mom encourage her daughter to experiment with sexuality? Because she lives bicuriously through others .
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I'm 6th in line for a selfie.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest* Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza? Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Jokers of Reddit, any good blonde jokes or punch lines out there?
How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian
Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u
What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!
What is Jeb Bush's campaign slogan? Third time's the charm
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive. 2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn't tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My new years resolution is to have more sex! I Haven't told my cellmate yet though
Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets? Because their hands are always in someone else's!
Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.
Go to racist joke, what's yours? Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"
If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
What do you call a midget with no teeth A gum job.
It's just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own 'Dont Feed the Animals' rule.
You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog's finger
Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant? Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".
What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.
Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.
What do you do with old cannon balls ? Give them to elephants to use as marbles !
What did the two tampons have in common? They were both stuck up bitches
Why is Saturn like your balls?? Because it is in between jupeter an your anus.
FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.
What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
I tried googling Wiz Khalifa ... But all I found was MIa Khalifa peeing .
I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party ? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.
What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D
Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka
How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
A bird pooped on my head today...Am I gonna die? I mean, I'm kinda worried about getting sick from it but mostly I hope this made someone's day.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch? Phil
Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I'm a terrible singer, I have two left throats
How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other's sentences
TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood
What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
Well, I had to break up with the baker i've been dating She was just too kneady
You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."
What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored? He racism.
The Donner Party Diet Breakfast: Jacks Lunch: Franks Dinner: Patties
What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!
Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.
Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.
"Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself." *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.
They called their son Honest Abe, because he was honest. They called their daughter Bloody Mary...
Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.
How do you double the price of a Fiat? Fill the tank
Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless!
Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting? He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...
new iPhone 7 son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7 Dad: What is the magic word? son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case?
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw it in 21 to shoot the bulb.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard.
Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?
A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.
What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan.
The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products
The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.
Don't touch my twat my itchy twitchy twat .... Miley Cyrus. Ba dum tish
When a woman says "WHAT did you just say?" say something different.
Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.
me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend
My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.
What do you use to cut the ocean? A  seasaw
NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You're welcome.
What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Funeral Home Barbie ...complete with hearse coffin and kicky little shroud
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.
I think r/jokes may be glitched Top of all time and new both show the same jokes
In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014
I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.
I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.
Pork is awesome, but it's best when used as a verb.
[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP OCTOPUS: They're tentacles COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude COP: Just go. I give up.
If you're reading this you're probably addicted to the internet. And by internet, I mean Facebook.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.
What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.
What do you call a German with a bad attitude? A sour Kraut.
Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.
I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.
When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being fucking awesome at everything."
''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.
How do you know you sister is on her period? Dad's cock tastes like blood.
McDonald's french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.
The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.
Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!
Why does an elephant have 4 Feet? Because it would look ridiculous with 8 inches.
What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad
What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.
What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.
Don't look out of the window Betty people will think it's Halloween.
I'm trying to explain Twitter to this cop. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.
Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.
Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office? Because it was a mail dominated industry
Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.
Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino. For non-Americans, this is a baseball joke
One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !
"Man, what's eating you today? *looks down* I Don't know.... GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.
When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees? In the Ark-hives.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep
What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!
Did you hear about the man who choked on an issue of The Guardian after learning about his brothers passing? He found the news hard to swallow.
Sometimes I'll start talking to someone on the train, then go "Oh, this is where I get off" then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.
Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs at him? Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.
TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to Facebook.
What job do rabbits at hotels have?  Bellhop.
Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.
what is the best way to smuggle drugs? In your dogs asshole. Should there be border control frisking, it will be perceived as two dogs plain wolfing
Browsing this sub is like mining in a cave Full of bat shit and I mostly get the same things over again, but it's worth the occasional gold I find.
Velcro. What a rip off!
What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle? Weeeeeeeeee
What bees makes the best milk ? Boob-bees And also this is my first time using Reddit and my account is only 30 minutes old by the time of this post so I have no idea what I am doing
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father's Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
My inspiration for jokes is like a guy at a brothel... It comes and goes... It also occasionally sucks ;)
What's a minister's favorite food? Tacos al pastor
How does a nihilist propose to his fiancee? "Even though my existence is meaningless I want to spend the rest of it with you."
What is the worse thing for a guy to say after sex? My name is Barry Allen
What's the difference between Jews and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney.
The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it... "darn it..." I muttered.
The pub manager is showing the new busboy around the kitchen, when they come to two doors. The busboy asks, "Which one is the 'in' door?" "Let me show you", says the manager, and 'e walks in.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?
How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
Why don't I take my guinea pigs on walksies It's hard on my cavies
Why can't you tell secrets in a corn field? ...because there are too many ears.
I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault.... It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work.
I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, "Bejesus, I'm in the wrong joke!"
How many Jews does it take to change Hitler's mind? None, there has to be no Jews.
Come on, there has got to be at least one business like show business.
That Hamburger Helper hand guy. There's a twin out there, right? Didn't go into showbiz. Maybe an accountant or something.
Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.
"Your mission... Should you chose to accept it..." *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave
Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in  fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
What do you call a hot day in Canada? A Nova Scorcha!
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb. Two. One to hold the light bulb and the other to hold the penis. I mean mother. Shit, I mean ladder.
What did the old maid get the vasaline for? 84 cents. Joke by my grandfather
Teacher: How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ? Teacher: What do you mean ? Pupil: Wellup and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
I got asked how I view lesbian relationships.. Apparently HD wasn't the correct answer.
Why did Adele cross the road? She wanted to say hello from the other side. ^^^^^^hilarious ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^original ^^^^^^hahahahahahahahahelpme
What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? The winner of last year's hide & go seek contest.
What do you call children born of ginger people? Ginger-bred
If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson what song would you get? "Beeflt!"
How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.
ADHD is ADD in high definition.
The director of "A Girl in the River" went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars
What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue
I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
What Is Bluetooth ? When your toothbrush stops working mid brushing
Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.
I have a split personality No he doesn't
Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana
I don't trust stairs They're always up to something...
The pope walks into a Mosque A Muslim looks up and asks "Why the wrong faith?"
Twitter is working worse than a dollar store pregnancy test.
Why were they called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights! Credit: watching Mr. D on Netflix
Who is this "one"? And why is he always arguing with people?
I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle. So I fixed it with scotch tape.
What's Miley Cyrus eating for Thanksgiving.. Twerky!
Prison counts as a gated community, right?
What Do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a Sheep? A WOOLY JUMPER :)
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.
Farting is your ass referring to itself in the turd person.
What do you call a dinosaur that raps about life? A philosorapper
A blind dude walks into a bar. Ouch.
[breakfast table] Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms? 8: Not me 9: Not me CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Normally I can't dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[school teacher job interview] Can I ask you some questions? I don't know CAN you? haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war while French people remove the red and blue colour
I like cheese more than I like most people.
How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a "crazy cat lady?" None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.
It's funny how liberals think Donald Trump oppresses women and hates gays Like he's a Muslim or something.
My wife is so moody at Christmas, I blame the festive period.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alistair ! Alistair who ? Alistairs in this house are broken !
Interviewer: Where were you born? Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.
A pharmacy was just robbed. A pharmacy was just robbed $500,000. Security camera footage recorded the criminal taking 2 bottles of aspirin and a Zoloft.
Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam.
What's the difference between Iceland and Ireland? A consonant.
What do toads drink ? Croaka-cola !
When I was younger, I was given a choice: a good memory or a long dong. I can't remember which I chose.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to "Hey Arnold"
Ironically its exactly 12 steps from my car to the liquor store
This mallard waddled into a bar... Should've ducked.
Chicks with big tits always seem to say the right things.
[Touring Italy] Guide: Bathroom anyone? Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza Guide: That's Pisa Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza
Bough some shoes from my drug dealer. They were pretty nice
A pirate's walking down the beach.... ...when he comes across a little girl. The litter girl says, "Hey Pirate! Where's your buccaneers??" The pirate responds, "tucked inside my buck'n hat!!"
What is the Pope's favorite type of woman? Nun
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom... Then I discovered twitter.
The Walking Dead Season Finale Check back in six months for the punchline.
Proper punctuation... Proper punctuation is the difference between "helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse" It's a classic, but a good one
can't now.. having an heated argument with my toaster.
"Why do white people like cheese so much?" Because they're made from cultures! Edit: Five BLM members disliked this post.
Listen, I hate you... I'm just not... IN hate with you.
My grandfather's holocaust stories aren't half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy.
"That'll be $15.99 please" "Do you take giant revolving badgers?" *cashier grabs me by the throat* "We ONLY take giant revolving badgers"
Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics? Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.
What kind of headphones are sold in 50 shades of grey? Beats
Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party? It was leave your keys at the door.
How do you know when a mongol is level? He's drooling from both corners of his mouth.
Nothing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.
Wanna heare a joke about potassium? K
I showed up later to dinner yesterday because I was baking a turkey. I'm the turkey.     Il see myself to the kitchen table.
What do you get when you combine Avogadro's number of avocados? GuacaMole!
What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs? Adele
Why do scuba divers roll backwards out of the boat? Cause if they rolled forwards, they would still be in the boat.
Can I get a pina colada please. 'This is Starbucks' Sorry, can I have venti pina colada.
[Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
They're remaking Ocean's 11 with an all-female cast and it's gonna be called Ocean's 8 It's that damn wage gap I tell ya!
why did hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill (Thanks nofx)
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.
A job interview.  What's your worst quality?  Honesty.  Well, i don't think that honesty is a bad quality..  I don't give a fuck what you think.
Girlfriend: "babe it's hot I need a fan" [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one. Me: H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.
The economy is so bad I went to buy a toaster and they gave me a bank.
I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
This morning I went for a run and came back home after 2 mins because I forgot something... I forgot that I was fat and could only run for 2 mins.
Your mama so fat.. Her curve set everyone's grade to A+
I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats... Prophets are through the roof
Damn girl, are you a 48-pack of frozen corn dogs? Because I thought it would last forever.
Warning: Dead baby joke What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock. You can't fuck a rock.
Tea makes everything great,even meth. Cos without T,meth is just meh.
I can't believe I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach.... ...boy was my face red.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?
Dallas Black people: please be Muslim please be Muslim please be Muslim Muslim people: please be black please be black please be black
My Wife is refusing to fry any food and is insisting on eating healthier. She is turning into a Kitchen Nazi. She keeps sticking everything in the oven.
2 words can open up many doors in your life. Push and Pull
Why are most Muslims broke all the time? They never understood the concept of piggy banks.
Why should we call Indians Native Americans? Most of those ones over in Asia have never even been to the States.
Knock knock..Who's there?..Interrupting coefficient of friction.. The interrupting coeff--- MU!
I just got back from r/Synesthesia It tasted great!
Q: Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy? A: Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets!
I accidentally left a butt plug up her ass for 2 weeks... No shit
My ex broke up with me but left a bag of chips in my car. 3 weeks passed and I texted "I still got your chips if you want them."
When googling Gary Oldman I highly suggest not forgetting the "R"
What do DNA and Diarrhea have in common? They both run in your jeans (genes)
Well I was going to donate blood today until.... the lady got all personal and started asking, "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.
[at funeral] "it was so sudden" really? "yeah right in the middle of rap battle" I thought you said he died of dysentery TERRY: That's right
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's actually quite ironic how she died.. She was attacked by a crab.
I always eat at McDonald's when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.
What did the pirates say who stole Kim Kardashians jewelry? We wanted her booty!
I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? (Slightly NSFW) A lick-a-lot-a-puss.
I think I'm gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
[around campfire] ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song? KIDS: Yeah! ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It's all like waaaaaat no way.
Money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around
how to get into shape: 1. punch a bear 2. run. this is your life now
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?" The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"
What do you call someone who discriminates you for your oral hygiene? A dent*ist*.
Why do geologists perform so well during intercourse? They really know how to make bedrock.
Harry is a? Fucking WIZARD!
On TV shows, answering machines are actually saying leave a message after the fuck.
What do James Cameron and M. Night Shamylan have in common? Icy dead people.
"So, doctor, do I have cancer or not?" "Oh Jesus Christ, holy shit, tons of it," said the doctor to Martin Shkreli.
Billy Mays is in heaven now... Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.
Late to Fight Club Was late to my Fight Club last night so I missed the intro rules. I love Fight Club, I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
It's green but when you press a button it turns red. A frog in a blender.
Whats the difference between Santa Clause and me ? Santa Only Cums Once A Year
What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
I farted in a room full of hipsters.. then watched them fight over who heard it first.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
i'm the girl your mom warned you about... long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i'm reptar. i'm reptar from rugrats.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!
What did the mermaid do last Saturday night? She went out with the tide.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?
The phrase 'lazy asshole' is an oxymoron... Because an asshole gets shit done.
What do vegetables watch when they're horny? Corn
I can't believe you "accidentally" let it slip into her butt! Dick move, asshole.
One of my favourite things is Pork Souvlaki on a Pita But it's hard to get the animal rights activists to stay still
New low: Looking in my purse and seeing my TV remote.
If she's naming your wedding album on facebook "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!" she's too young for you bro.
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.
Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.
How are babies different from feminists? Babies grow up and stop crying.
What do you call a donkey that falls into a pile of sugar? A Sweet Ass (   )
Cops are looking for a man who robbed a store using scissors. They say the guy could be a real danger--unless you have a rock.
Can't believe my neighbors don't have any rum. How am I supposed to enjoy their hot tub while they're on vacation?
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I hate people who think it's cool to take drugs ...like customs officers
Why kind of cigarettes do Hawaiians smoke? Mahalo bro lights.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Flavor Flav turns 51 today. He'll spend a quiet day at home, still resting up after a weekend of moving clocks forward.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife is dead.
Ate a salad for lunch so basically I didn't eat lunch.
I only date right handed women... Righty tighty, lefty loosey
What do you feed a disappearing cat? Evaporated milk
"This birthday cake certainly is crunchy."  "Maybe you should spit out the plate!"
Toilet stolen from police station Cops have nothing to go on.
In honour of Back To The Future, I just went back in time one hour. That's the joke.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony? It's not hard.
[describing a chair] it's like a swing without all the drama
So, this baby seal walks into a club... [o(;_;)o](http://youtu.be/TK2TuqcNWPY?t=30s)
The band The Doors have decided to change their name after the next member dies It's gonna be Three Doors Down.
How much does a corpse weigh? A skele-ton
I'm pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you're behind someone at an ATM late night, let them know you're not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their  neck.
Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
How does the moon cut his hair? 'Eclipse it Thought it was relevant to today's eclipse...
3 Old Women and a Flasher Three old women are sitting on a park bench when a man comes by and flashes them. Two of them have a stroke, and the third one couldn't reach.
Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed.
I'm worried about my friend My friend has just be diagnosed as a Polaroid Schizophrenic. It developed quickly.
Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, I might vote for it.
What do you call it when a Cat wins a Dogshow? Cat-has-trophy. Such punny. Much Cringe.
I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!
You know what jokes are the worst? Lesbian jokes. Those are for pussies.
I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this!
Whats long, green, and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION
Every time student loan rates double, the price of solo cups should get cut in half.
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokenoff
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a hill and turned into a field
Why do Communists only drink coffee? Because proper tea is theft.
Man died after crushing against a mirror Witnesses said: "he saw it coming"
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up behind it
I've decided to fight my addiction I'm not posting on reddit until next year
I am sick and tired of women jokes!! period!
Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
I like asking girls if I can buy them a drink and when they say yes I yell "YOU DON'T KNOW MY FINANCIAL SITUATION" and run away.
People who say "in and of itself" are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I didn't know what to wear the the premature ejaculators meeting... So I just came in my pants.
My weather forecast is always "room temperature."
Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.
Funny that when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's considered a slut ... but when I do it I'm gay.
Did you know that men are more successful than women in committing suicides? Ladies, can you gals do anything right?
Of course he's going to get re-elected, because once you go Black...
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
The last US election had a candidate called Mitt, a devout Catholic and a candidate called Newt, a serial adulterer. One was against same sex marriage and the other was against same marriage sex.
Made a hiking playlist earlier called trail mix It has a lot of eminem in it
How do you tell who the extroverted engineers are? They're the ones who look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.
What do you call a tight asshole? a noose
Damn girl, are you a pig? Because your mother looks like a pig. Because you look damn hot bacon in the Sun. Because I want to stuff you like Thanksgiving dinner. . . . More suggestions appreciated
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.
If you want to set up and run a small company... ...that's your business
Everyone needs a three hour nap after their breakfast pizza, right?
I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection", but she did.
My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night... But it's OK. I don't think we could have stayed anyway, we didn't have a reservation.
How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My wife's credit card got stolen and she doesn't know how... I do, I've been praying for a financial miracle.
Why did the noodles go to rehab? To get yakisoba.
Hey dude! Would we be considered in-laws if I slept with your wife? No... we'd be even.
Since I started dating my girlfriend a year ago I became a millionaire! 6 months ago I was a billionaire :(
What does Lamar Odom have in common with a hooker? Excellent ball control.
How do you tell the difference between a meth head and a hillbilly? The meth head still has teeth.
I walked in on my wife singing the other day. Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio." Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?" "No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."
How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
My girlfriend caught me cross-dressing So I packed up her clothes and left
So I'm still newish around here... What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?
I have a Victoria's Secret model's body!! (in my basement)
What do you call a slutty camera? A loose Canon.
What do you call the most successful vasectomist in American history? American Snipper
What do you call a bowl full of leaves and epileptics? Seizure Salad.
Instead of God, try worshipping a golf cart for a few years and see if it makes any difference.
I think the only thing a bike helmet protects you from is getting laid
What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife? Engage.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout returns home from the camp.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... so he gives it to her
A wavy guitarist has a low self esteem He just wanted to B-flat
Tried to cash in on this kid joke thing. My daughter is a disappointment. Why did the skeleton cross the road? He didn't because he doesn't have skin and he just fell apart.
What happens when a Chinese man with a boner runs into a wall? He breaks his nose.
No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again.
Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread? Well, we had to do something with the ovens.
Just finished painting my bedroom in under ten minutes using vinyl Surely that's some kind of record.
Q: How do spies send secret messages in a forest? A: By moss code.
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.
Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown? He was looking for Finger Prince. (Say it out loud if you don't get it.)
Happy Greek Easter! Which Greek God loved to collect animals? Zoos
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I'm pretty sick right now. You could say I'm feeling like Charles Lindbergh... Because I got the flu
What did one sick casket say to the other sick casket? Is that you, coffin?
I think it's been enough time to warrant a Star Wars spoiler... Yoda is dead
In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.
What's the Difference between like, love and showing off?? Spit, Swallow and Gargle
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have "evolved." Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Why don't black people listen to country music? Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister's been shot.
How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to hold the penis. ... ... ... Er... I mean... The ladder.
have to stop saying "how am i going to kill my way out of this one" everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud
What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs? Banner.
What's the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers.
What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.
do all girls make poopy? if they do, why do men get hard for them?
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.
Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless.
A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last tweet.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they're not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
whats the secret service of Australia called? M8
I loaned my cell phone to Bill Cosby Now I can't get it to wake up.
What does a pirate call his idiot son? A retarrrrrd
i'm a homewrecker in the sense that i got sick out both ends in the attic and it soaked through the ceiling in 3 different rooms
I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator. He was such a flatterer.
gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary "I nailed her...10 TIMES IN A ROW". Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity.
As a kid I was forced to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this )
CNN: We're not sure but we'll report it anyway.
My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says "Your password is incorrect", I type in: "incorrect" and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.
You smell like trash..... Can I take you out?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
What's the difference between a plumber and a scientist? Pronounce this word: unionized
Why couldn't the chameleon change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction.
If women can do anything that men can do, then why haven't they ever suppressed an entire gender before? Its a joke lady's.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I saw my first porn yesterday I was so young back then....
Never buying anything home-made on eBay again... I bought an 'Irony Detector' off of eBay, but it was broken. It detected everything *but* irony...
What's the difference between Indiana and Reddit? In Reddit, you get served no matter who you are.
Person one: Do you know that joke about the no and the me neither? Person 2: No? Person 1: Me Neither. Person 1: You didnt get it? Person 2: No Person 1: Me neither
Most people's religion or faith has a switch which they can conveniently switch on and off whenever it suits them.
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?? A Brazilian
Leia: This is romantic Han: I know Chewie: Rwwar Leia: Does he have to be here? Han: It's a life debt. You're basically marrying us both
What`s the difference between chinese people and racism? Racism has many faces
How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
What do you call a baby seal between two slices of bread? A clubbed sandwich
I was dating an analog synthesizer But I had to break it off. She was just continuously variable.
What Cell Phone Company does Usain Bolt use? Sprint
In god we trust Everyone else must pay cash
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I'm going to out live you too.
My Wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe..........
A little boy walked into a police station "I lost my daddy" says the boy. "We'll look for him son, don't worry: what's he like?" asked the officer. "Liquor and women."
Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist....basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize? He's out standing in his field.
What kind of computer can sing? A Dell.
There are two hats on a hanger... The broken one says to the other: "You go on a head..."
What's the key to long lasting Relationships? Not breaking up
Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight? He brought the wrong carrion.
What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.
What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with? An alarm, you pervert!
My clients have a 86% survival rate, which makes me an above-average babysitter.
What do you call an alligator detective wearing a waistcoat? An investigator.
I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters
They say a woman's work is never done that's probably why they get paid less
What did the neckbeard say while giving the eulogy for his extremely flatulent friend? Rip in peace
"Here's your cup of Joe" - Joe at the sperm bank
Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."
What do you call a nomadic caveman? A meanderthal.
"I had the worst Cruise ever." - Katie Holmes
Why do I tell jokes in elevators? Because they're funny on many levels.
Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'.
I want to study... the area below your curves... It is integral.
Two ducks are arguing in a bar about quantum physics... One turns to the other and says, 'Quark Quark' The other says, I'll have a Harvey Schrodinger, thanks'.
Even reddit goes down more often... than my girlfriend.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.
Two polar bears were sitting in a bathtub The first one says "Give me the soap". The second one says "no soap. radio".
How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.
My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it's not what it looks like
Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters.
Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No".
A Roman guy walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please!"
TIL the musical group Ace of Base was killed in a horrific traffic accident after they missed their exit on the highway and crashed... Police later said, "they didn't see the sign..."
damn girl, you got a butt that WON'T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn't stop* ...et tu, bootay
The thing about boats... If we don't bow, everyone gets stern.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up.
Bet I could breathe more air than you, bro
My uncle performed circumcisions... He kept all the foreskin and had a tailor make it into a wallet. Rub it for 5 minutes and you get a briefcase.
I do not need to have a threesome... ... if I want to disappoint two people at once, I go to dinner with my parents.
Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.
Did you hear that the North American Man/Boy Love Association go a new tech support guy? He's an e-NAMBLA.
What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe? Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you
New TomTom voice over I got a new TomTom and changed his voice to Chewbacca. Left is BRRRRRRRRRRR and right is BRRRRRRRRRRR And when I'm at my distination : i still dont know
My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy... I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC"
I like my women like I like my M.C. Escher paintings Impossibly proportioned
Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
My friend got drunk and thinks he had sex with a prostitute... At first he wasn't sure, but then he was *positive*.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You might think it's R but his first love will always be the C.
I work in a popular hotel... I see people come in to stay from all over the world, yet for some reason I've never seen a Native American here. I guess they just don't like to make reservations.
A mother called the police on her 6 month old baby for not taking a nap. He was resisting a rest.
What do you call a group of Japanese people running up a hill? Tsunami Warning
Dodged the bullet A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
For a very short period of time, you were the youngest person in the world. #mindblowing
What kind of pizzas can tell the future? Medium Pizzas
Whenever I put on my Ocean Pacific (op) pants I feel I must say something meaningful.
If looks could kill, I'd still use a baseball bat.
If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.
Two Scotsmen walk past a baker One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?' The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'
What's the difference between a normal pirate and a sexy pirate? The type of booty they plunder.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that? Me: No Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin* Me: Nah Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
All women are crazy but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Why is Forrest Gump as a young boy without his leg braces like a Samurai without a master? Because everywhere he went, he was Ronin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll see myself out...
what did the kiwi statue said to the other kiwi statue? statue bro?
turkey went out of the frying pan and into the fire only for Putin to put them in the oven
Why did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning :(
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Whatever.
If I have 5 apples and Jamal take 3, what color is Jamal? Admit it, you're a fucking racist!
Tried to take a photograph of some fog Mist
If you don't pay your exorcist You get repossessed
Sex Joke So an egg walked up to a sperm and said, "You cum here often."
How long do you think it will take for gays to find out? That a gay marriage is as much an oxymoron as a gay funeral?
Football is like Sex your mom sucks at both
Patron: How come this fly is swimming in my soup? Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading.
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? a PILOT, you fucking racist!
Single and divorced men in their 40's prefer women at their own maturity level. That explains why they date women half their age.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it's not missing so now they don't care.
I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.
One woodworm met another. "How's life?" she  asked. "Oh same as usual" he replied "boring."
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
What's that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.
What cars do wolves drive? Auuuuuuuuuuuuudis!
What to toilet paper and the starship enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
South Africa
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[commercial] [man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats] MAN: There has to be a better way! Narrator: DOGS
What's the alien version of Facebook? Spacebook. (It's a terrible joke I know).
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Why are dogs bad at dancing? They have two left feet
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she's left. She obviously wasn't blind at all.
What do you call rude fungi? Shiit-talking mushrooms
I don't know what disturbs me more about my attraction towards my girlfriends mother. The fact that she's 51 or the fact that she's also my mother.
Today is National Pasta Day I have a friend that would have loved today, but sadly she's pastaway
Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot.
I ate the last piece of flan that my wife and I have been fighting over I won the custardy battle.
My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..
I think my wife has a habit of walking in her sleep Every morning I find her sleeping in someone else's bed.
What is worse than biting through an apple, and finding a worm inside? ~~Rape~~ The picky fuckers on this website.
I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World. So I took them to our local fish market, saying, "Shhhh... they're all asleep."
[first date] Me: *don't let him know you're the Mona Lisa* Him: You look nice tonight Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.
Did you hear the one about the perfume store? I heard their manufacturing was in an ol' factory.
Why do melons have traditional marriages? Because they cantaloupe
I was going to major in cosmetology.. ..but then they shut down the space program.. idiots.
I cant get on Tumblr anymore... My doctor told me to cut down on Trans-Fats
What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date? He wax off
Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.
So I asked this swiss dude to tell me something good about living in Switzerland. "Well" he said "the flag is a big plus!"
Simon: I wrote a song Garfunkel: *reads lyrics* Garfunkel: "I am a rock. I am an island" dude I'm like right here. I thought we were friends
What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play? Don't Break the Ice
Why did the English majors switch to Spanish? (OC) Too many persuasive esses.
This year for Christmas.. This year for Christmas I got a new shirt and piece of ass from my wife. Figures, they were both too big!!
What's the Boogeyman's part-time job? BoogeyNAN!
reckon the clouds look down and say, ''look! that one is shaped like an idiot?''
What is the longest word in the feminist dictionary? Antidickstablishmentarianism.
The best part of the birthday notifier on Facebook is, I meet people that I didn't even know were on my friends list.
Why did the little Dutch boy have to register as a sex offender? He kept on sticking his finger in a tyke.
After my surgery, the doctor told me I have to pee sitting down. He told me not to lift anything that weighs more than 10 pounds.
My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won't let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
Racism is a subjective matter there are no black and white solutions
"Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires" - Smokey the NRA Bear
A man walks into a bar... He asks the barman "do you serve women here?" The barman replies "no, sorry, you'll have to bring your own."
What do you call a powerful, asshole-ish potato? A dick-tater.
I said to my dyslexic mate, "Guess which band has split up?" He said, "Erm..."
Cleaning out the garage, I found some things I didn't even realize I had. Like a tent, a new printer, and a fourth kid.
My penis is so polite..... .....it stands up to give ladies a place to sit down.
If Frieza is King Cold's son... Does that make him a little Cold?
Strip club[OC] So I'm at the strip club and this huge breasted woman comes up to me and slaps me silly with her left titty. Guy sitting next to me says,"bet that's gonna leave a lasting mammary."
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stays up all night wondering if dog exists.
Don't cut out part of your day to throw out clocks! It's a waste of time!
I witnessed a murder today.. then I realized it was just a group of crows.
What's white and drips from the cloud? The coming of the Lord.
BUSINESS IDEA: CinnaBon-Iver. Delicious pastries filled with scarf scraps and broken pieces of wind chimes.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
My girlfriend told me that having a good sense of humour is really important I told her to message the mods at /r/Jokes
Start with the answer. What's an easy way to ruin a good joke?
My life would be a lot easier if when shopping online there was a "Sort by least ugly" option.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "Wow, that's a pretty big word for a eight year old."
Even the best men in the Chinese military Have chinks in their armor
What do you call a dumb nerd? A geek.
Confession: I'm the one who's been posting all those idiotic comments on youtube using millions of anonymous accounts.
Why aren't any atheists buying a PS4 Pro? They don't believe in higher power.
[mouse plane] mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking- *mouse passengers squeal with delight*
Whats the number one reason for Pedophilia? Sexy children.
If a white person eats a dessert and no one is around to Instagram it, did it even happen?
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients, *asshole*.
HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU 1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP
Waiter is there soup on the menu ? No madam I wiped it off !
Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
You know you're too drunk to drive when... The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener.
Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes.
When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?"
I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station? A Whale Way
Why was the band late to their gig? Because the drummer locked himself in the car with the keys.
After a dream I had last night, credits rolled. I had no idea so many people worked on those things.
Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
A guy walked up to my bar. He said, "Can I have a stiff drink?" "Of course," I replied, cracking some Viagra pills into his whiskey.
The new fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account.
remember: knives and alcohol don't mix. knives are solid they don't mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Tourist in America I was going to take my wife to visit all the sites where they protested the police shooting of innocent black men. But i've only got 6 months...plus community service.
Why do felines always win board games? Because they are cheetahs.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!
What did the sardine call the submarine ?  A can of people !
We could hit every terrorist on the Most Wanted List tomorrow, if we turned it over to Google's ad department.
A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, "Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?" he says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"
Why does 71 like 68? Because 68 69 70.
It must be Monday somewhere.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
We're all born with scars. from the moment we open our eyes and look at the world we are wounded, we all share that same mark... Bellybuttons.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb... It's quite an obscure number you probably would not have heard of it.
The world is becoming too politically correct You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".
*pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way
Barbie comes with GI Joe She only fakes it with Ken. Saw plenty of pregnant Barbie jokes in this sub-reddit, but not this one.
The economy is doing really bad... Its so bad that when Bill and Hillary Clinton travel, they have to share a room.
What's the smartest animal on the farm? The farmer (this killed my 12yo brothers)
Why don't north Koreans listen to funk? Cos they've got no Seoul! Thank you very much.
*LIGHTHOUSE* BATMAN - You call? L/HOUSE KEEPER - Shit, not again man. I am so sorry. BATMAN - Dead seagull on the light? LK -*Nods*
I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns. Comet me bro.
What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar? I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there
Tom Cruise Jokes, Anyone?
What do you call a nun sleep walking? A roamin' Catholic
How do mathematicians count x-men? Permutations.
My necrophiliac girlfriend told me I was dead to her. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
How many egoists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They simply hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.
I'm Winston Wolf, I fix problems. So I hear you're having a bad hair day.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? [NSFW] I wouldn't pay five hundred dollars to have a lentil on my face.
Monday Morning......Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off  the floor is another story.
What the hell is Minecraft? Hitler's lesser known, second, book about his love of knitting.
Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she's a bitch
I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.
What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade? He was having a mid-life crisis.
8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I'm telling mom.
What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labara Cadabarador
What do you get when you mix triangles with Tumblr? Trigger-Nometry
What has two eyes but can't see, two wings but can't fly, and two legs but can't walk? A dead bird.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.
Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix.
I think my professor might not know my name. He keeps on correcting it with the word "Late" on all my papers.
Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently
I don't have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
it is hard to b scared of a angry person once u realize that they just wanted to tie a knot but insted of using string they used their arms
What sound does a Chinese roller coaster make as it goes up an incline? chink chink chink chink
*Sneaks into men's toilets* I HEAR THERE'S CAKE IN HERE
A teacher walks into a bar Guy: can I buy you a drink? Teacher: I don't know, CAN you?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying "They took our jobs!"
[interview] Your resume says you have a "take no prisoners attitude". You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
What do you call a handful of gravel A palm-o-granite!
Spider: Why don't you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away
Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.
Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark.
Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I'm not sure but certainly rings a bell.
If I win this lottery I'd give half to charity She treated me well at the strip club
I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.
A Zach Galifinakis-style "impression" joke. The character I'm working on is: MOMENTARILY CONFUSED BATMAN <husky voice>: Alfred... <regular voice>: Ahem... I mean hey Alfred
What's the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.
If two pharaohs farted at the same time They would have a toot in common
How did the sad clown smile and laugh again? They told him his wife died recently.
Two cookies were walking across the road... ... one gets hit by a car, the other one says "ah crumbs..."
What's the definition of a will? Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
What is the dumbest animal? An ignoraMOOSE
A woman in her seventies overhearing that I was a tattoo artist asked if I wanted to see her "rat" tattoo. I said sure. She revealed a bare hip and said "Oh, I guess my pussy must have ate it"
Don't let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.
I'm in a band called Missing Cat. You've probably seen our posters.
That one. "that one." says a booy. "what do you mean?" says another boy. "oh, i was just answering your question." "what question?" "i already told you."
Are they "haters" or just "people who noticed that you're a dick"? Check again.
What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split!
Need jokes with the same punchline as this. Help! What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
A grasshopper sits at the bar... ...and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men.
You wanna hear a dirty joke A horse fell in the mud. And then some crazy lesbian who hates horses put on a strap on and fucked it till it died.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery
People tell me that I'm condescending That means I talk down to people
I went to a fancy dress party as a calendar A guy came up to me and said "Your days are numbered"
The Unabomber What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common? They were both fingered by their brother.
Why did the emo kid leave the bar? It was happy hour.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on. Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
"i want to love you, but i have crust issues." -pizza on a date i dont know i hate myself
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Hide a Body? What's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife "promised" she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I'm livid.
A man got arrested for assaulting someone with a defibrillator. The victim said that he was gonna press charges.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles
Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I can't believe that those two are still together after all that shit...
Have you ever smelled moth balls? Yes? How'd you get their little legs apart? (Courtesy of my dad. Who laughed about this for 30 minutes.)
I have a joke about couches But it's sofa-cking terrible. You don't want to hear it.
What's the deal with Drake, first he was an actor now a rapper? Must have been all degrassi was smoking. I'll let myself out.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I'm tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My friend peed on the floor so he can come into my room. I looked over at him and told him "You're in"
Why couldn't the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter? Because it was too Win+D
Say what you want about pedophiles At least they go the speed limit in school zones..
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died
I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.
Why did the milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder
"And now it's time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!" - Cat game shows
When accused by a woman a man's first instinct is to deny. We're not lying, we're just buying time to remember what you're talking about...
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going? ME: Jealous much?
I'm not saying your mom is fat but she'd be worth a lot more in the UK
one time I stuck my hand in a jar of jelly beans and when I took it out all the black one stole my rings and watch
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic? He wanders through life wondering if there is a dog
What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A virgin
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
This generation sucks but does it swallow
What type of train gets fat? A chew chew train...
What do dyslexic Koreans eat? Gods
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have  known it's summer.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I was walking in the desert and saw a redwood tree. I knew this must be a mirage, so I ran into it. To my dismay, the tree and I collided. I guess it must have been an obstacle illusion.
Did you hear about the guy that shits out jars? He's a real glasshole, that guy
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna. ... What about the pot of glue? I knew you'd get stuck.
What is Red and Smells like Blue Paint? Red Paint
Wanna hear a Joke about a Jump rope? Nah, let's just skip it.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren't in it.
My wife once told me that she ingested fecal matter while in the womb I like to give her crap about it.
Why did the junkie walk into the pet store? To buy some quack croakaine!
I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.
TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she's practising for her next selfie
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once: Don't look at me, I already said "Hi" to you.
I met this amazing girl while speed dating. We stayed up all night and day just talking and giggling and I guess speed will do that to you.
What blood type does a man with bad spelling have? Typo
How do you know if an Italian person is mute? When you see he has no hands.
Congratulations, "journalists" who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn't know you could get a degree in teenage girl.
What did the cholo say when two houses fell on top of him? Get off me homes!
This hasn't helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
For those who don't speak Spanish: "Cinco de Mayo" means "hold the mayo."
What's the difference between broccoli and a booger ? little kids won't eat broccoli .
if ignorance is bliss then racists must feel like they're always on heroin.
Why do black people have white palms? Everyone has a little good in them.
Sex is like a gas station..!! Sometime you get full service... Sometimes you gotta ask for service and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.!
*pulls back your shower curtain* What did you mean by "creepy"
Did you hear about the new emo website? Check it out it's www.emo.com/wrists
why do scuba divers go in the water backwards? because if they go forward they would fall inside the boat.
How do you make a horomone? You don't pay her. (My mom is sick. Hilarious. But sick. )
Today i made a mistake while sewing. Oops, wrong thread.
What did the yogi say after riding his pet llama to the ashram? Llamaste.
What's the best part about a redneck family fight? The makeup sex
What does FIAT stand for? Fix It Again Tony
Girl are you a ringtone? Because you're really annoying and just get louder when I ignore you.
So I called my friend turkey and I said to him "Turkey, la gente esta muy loca. What the cluck?"
I went to Oklahoma recently ,It was pretty ok
If you need your iPhone repaired in Jerusalem, you obviously go to the Genius Bar. There, they don't serve alcohol..., ....but there's plenty of Apple Jews.
What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and ebola? At least Ebola will finish me off
Just found out I'm willing to drive 40mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That's when you have sex on a plane, and it's with a sandwich
"HULK WANT LOAN." Bank: "We can't loan to people like you." "GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??" Bank: "No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage."
You know the world is corrupted.... When people buy the 2015 Macbook.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall? Border Collies! I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the cheesy goodness.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven't seen since high school asking what you've been up to these days
Horses are very contrarian... No matter what you ask them, all they say is "neigh."
I just bough t a new pair of sunglasses... So anytime I make a bad pun, I'm gonna put them on and *puts on sunglasses* Look cool.
Children with gay fathers as parents, I seriously sympathize you all It's not easy growing up with twice the dad jokes.
It was fortunate that Hillary had a moderator Lester temper get out of hand.
Why do Native Americans wear jock straps? TOTEM POLE
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
What did the Ice Cream say to the Birthday Girl? Go 'head girl, it's sherbert day
What's Hitlers favorite Pokemon? NEIN-Tails.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because I live across the street from a KFC.
Dear clear high heels, Thank you for helping me figure out who's a stripper and who's not.
Make it a Great Friday by not getting nailed to a cross.
netflix First comes netflix then comes chill next comes babby because mommy forgot the pill
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.
My niece was fired from the chicken farm today She was caught poaching eggs
How do like really laid-back types answer the phone? Mellow.
I was going to grease my mechanic's hand with a $20 bill for the phenomenal job he did but ... he already overcharged me by $200.
Wanna meet Santa's little helper?
Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here's some...DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
What do a horny ornithologist and a Na'vi buff have in common? They both get turned on by blue tits.
What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic!
A UDP packet walks into a I would tell you another UDP joke but you might not get it.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
[NSFW] Why did the priest cum on the little boy's face twice? Because Jesus said to turn the other cheek
What's the difference? What's the difference between a midget acrobatic team and a girls track team? The midgets are a bunch of cunning runts.
"I just love a girl in uniform" Appropriate on the battlefield, but not at your local schoolyard.
Why can't gay people drive while they're aroused? Because they can't think straight.
What do you call an orc's wolf with particularly short legs? A Worgi
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Canada is not a vast empty woodland. Our monetary system proves our civility. 5 beavers is worth a caribou 4 caribous are worth a loon And 2 loons are worth a polar bear.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, "Good for him."
Two space shuttle crews watched Felix Baumgartner and thought: "WE COULD HAVE HAD PARACHUTES?"
Is it a blow job or a blowjob? Fuck I hate writing thank you cards...
Me: I'm having a problem with my computer: IT guy: Have you tried punching it? Me: That's the first thing I tried. I'm not an idiot.
Mary had a little lamb. ...and she was delicious!
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly. Edit: an adverb.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to turkey!
What does one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches
* Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!
technically speaking being gay used to make me happy
If George Washington were alive today... he'd be clawing at the inside of his coffin and screaming incoherently.
There was a kidnapping at school! It's ok though, he woke up.
Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but... (puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
What do you call a black lady having an abortion? A hero
Why are toblerones triangular prisms To fit in the box
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture. So I guess you could say I'm like a child whisperer.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina? Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
A racist man laments... If people gave him $1 for every racist thing he said or done he'd be able to make a small contribution of 1 million dollars to Donald Trump's campaign.
JOHN AND MARY'S SEX DISCOVERY
My dad told a lame joke today I told him to stop because he never makes funny jokes. His replay was - I made you didn't I?
Today a girl kissed me I just wish that I could post this in another subreddit :(
Two part joke Q. How does an elephant hide in an apple tree? A. He paints his balls red. Q. What's the loudest sound in Africa? A. Giraffes eating apples.
Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
What did the testicle say to the other testicle? "Between you and me, I think something's up." I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!
Don't forget to tell everyone how you love Fridays because we were all wondering how you feel about them.
"C'mon, your relationship isn't *that* serious." - Las Vegas
Never been to the blindfold shooting range? You don't know what you're missing.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Who was the only president that was not guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent.
In the news, two nuts walked through Central Park today... One was a salted.
Yo momma is so fat her butt is the butt of every joke.
What do you call a gay rubber band? An elasstickle
Knock knock. Who's there? Bob. Bob who? Bob Jones.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Did you hear about the lumberjack who worked overtime? He logged a lot of hours.
I ate everything, including the H.
Boaz must've been one hell of a roaster before he got married. Because he was Ruthless.
Q: What is a 'forum'? A: Two-um plus two-um.
If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got? No chance of blocking an uppercut.
How do you start a teddy bear race ?  Ready teddy go !
[Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?
What do you call a trespassing camper? Criminal intent
Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long? They're over two feet
I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather. They call him the Raining Champion.
What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis
My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Sandpaper I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Gosh, I only intended to rough him up a bit.
What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea? Getting the news from your dentist
*horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me
The Samsung Galaxy S6... The Samsung Galaxy S6 has a worse memory loss than your grandmother's Alzheimer [First joke, go easy, pretty please?]
What's so good about having sex with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of them.
I slept in my sons crib last night I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
How much pussy does a Monk get? Nun
What do you call a snail in the sea? A snailor.
Two cosplayers break up... When asked why, one said "I don't know who he is anymore!"
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking at a captcha or a text from my mom.
I named my eraser Confidence... Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
Quitting smoking is really easy... I've done it like 100 times already
I can count on one hand the number of times I've visited Chernobyl... it's 14
At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.
What kind of robbery is not dangerous? A safe robbery.
What did the spy say at the glass beach? *The coast is clear*
My Wife made me choose between her, and my Love of Pointing out Doors "If you want to leave" I told her, "There's the Door"
What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
Me: So, you come here often? Him: .....we're in my house.
What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick.
My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his entire family
Why do the french have so many civil wars? Because they like to win one every now and then
"What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife's around.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Short.
What does a sick deception eat? A bowl of Chicken noodle coupe
 Is this the real life? Are you a manatee? Let's beat up french fries I should lay off the LSD 
I'm 49 and my girlfriend is 5 months pregnant! What do you guys think we should do?
Two Fish there was two fish in a tank and one of the fish said do you know how to drive this thing BECAUSE THE FISH ARE DRIVEING THE TANK IN A WAR
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ? This one will sleigh you !
I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week Needless to say, You need to come early
Most of being a parent means saying "Great!!" when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Why is milk so fast? Because it's pasteurized before you see it!
What happened to the trapeze artist that did drugs on the job? He got suspended.
If he can't build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it's a Road Runner cartoon.
i once heard that in the old days, you received a last name based on your profession. if so, what the hell was John Hancock's career?
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
How did the man find out his sister was actually his half-sister? He saw her penis
What's Scrooge's favourite food? A humbug'er.
What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? Drowns.
Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you've got a pizza!
What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.
If you want to get your beer cold out in the wilds Look for the cool ants.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it's actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.
I always study the vagina before sex Because I like to know what I'm getting myself into
What's the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Adrian Veidt's wife walks into his bedroom and finds him with another woman. As she approaches him with angry tears, he says "I did it 35 minutes ago."
A: You look nice today, is that a new shirt and haircut? B: I masturbated yesterday, So I had to clean up afterwards. And one thing lead to another. Hair trimming included.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions. 4: Why?
What do you call a queue of boxers? A punchline.
I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? "Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."
I once tried to write a book about my thoughts But there's only so much you can put in a suicide note.
I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.
What beer does Sean Connery drink? Grols
If Tom Brady joined Nickelback... They'd become 30 cents.
A Stormtrooper went golfing today He's still on the first hole.
I could be subtweeting my cat for all you know. Calm down.
Today my boss will learn that I am nowhere near mature enough to be left alone with a label maker.
What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.
What game do old black people play? Blingo!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough She keeps asking what I'm doing
I was on a date. "How many ladies have you slept with?" she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10?" She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero."
I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment.
Can I tell you a joke? Your bum broke! hahaha! We loved this lame-ass joke as kids
I painted my PC black hoping it would run faster but now it doesn't work at all.
Whats the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
My friend didn't understand my poorly timed holocaust joke. So he asks me, "What's a holocaust?" And I reply "Oh, about eleven million"
.5% of life is spent with accidental throat bubble Kermit voice.
So all about these girls killing folks because of slenderman..... I guess you could say, they were a victim of anorexic culture
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he had a hole in one.
Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body
All things in moderation. Unless no one's looking.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there's that....
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't, they just shoot the room for being black. I guess you could say that was dark humor? ;)
I'm in the middle of hanging myself. The suspense is killing me.
a dude sitting next to me in the ER asked how to spell ankle & then correctly identified Rush Hour by a scene without jchan or chris tucker
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? [NSFW] You don't pay $200 to have a garbanzo on your face
Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.
Are you Finished? [X-post from Funny] Its a joke/comic thing. This is it--> http://imgur.com/GskWG
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu... Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck?
You hear the joke about the frenzied mob? It's a riot.
Why did Beethoven never answer the doorbell? They weren't invented yet.
What's brown and sticky? Anal.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My favorite book to read on the toilet is "The Shining." It scares the shit outta me.
A friend of ours is practicing baking apple pies. She brings them over to our house and later asks us how we liked it. I tell her "You need more practice."
Another "Priceless" joke. Vodka 19.99. Motel room 64.99. Condoms 9.99. Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass? Priceless! Fuck Mastercard, it pays to Discover
I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. *(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*
How does Peter Pan fly? If someone hit you in the Peter with a Pan, you'd fly too.
What's the difference between David Blaine and the NRA? The former has a cunning array of stunts
People say there is power in numbers. Say that to 6 million jews. -Jimmy carr
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Heroin really messed up my household... All the spoons are missing.
What sits in the middle of the world wide web  ? A very very big spider !
What's long and hard on a black guy? The first grade
Who plays center forward for the vampire  football team? The ghoulscorer.
Why were the sneakers so sad? Because they had ten issues.
My nutritionist said that instead of eating three big cheeseburgers I should have multiple, smaller cheeseburgers throughout the day
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven. I laughed. ... She stared at me until I paid her.
I weighed myself today, then I ate the scale.
What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime? Miscarriage of Justice
'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
I think the problem is that I'm 20% stud and 80% muffin.
They said "orange is the new black"... ...but I didn't realise they meant Trump would replace Obama.
I have but one question Why did curiousity kill the cat?
Please make sure "to" put your air quotes around the right words
40% of North American teens can't even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes.
Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn't last week.
I once met a girl with twelve boobs. Sounds fake, dozen tit?
My new year's resolution is to stop procrastinating. . . I'm gonna start tomorrow
I bought some vinyl cleaner, just for the record.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth That makes very little cents
I like my women like I like my programming languages. Visual and basic
My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom. This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.
What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed? Baked beans
Why does the corn get mad at the farmer? Because he is always pulling on his ears.
What's a toads favourite sweet ? Lollihops !
Confucius say . . . . Man who wrong on elevator, wrong on many levels.
How do you make rape funny? You force it
My wife was raped by a mime He preformed unspeakable acts on her
What will the "Red Hot Chili Peppers" become when they die? Ghost Peppers.
Dr: it looks like you've contracted sumatta Me: what is that? Dr: what is what? Me: sumatta Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it
I used to have a phone with a really good user interface... ...but someone swiped it.
How do you drown a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice. Put a line of peas around the hole. When the polar bear takes a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?
People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
You know how when you're in high school and you get "senioritis" and your brain shuts down? When does it come back on?
I told a joke about noble gasses the other day. There was no reaction.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!
Boy: Our Principal So Stupid Girl:Don't You Know Who i am? Boy: No Girl: I'm The Principal's Daughet. Boy: Do You Know Who i am? Boy: Good (Walks Away)
He used to be Hand Solo Then he gave Leia the D.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
I'm not on the Atkins Diet. I'm on the Rowan Atkinson Diet... It's all BEANS!!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
What is up with 1, 3, 5, 7, 9? ...I can't even...
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? "Do you smell a carrot?"
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
What do you call a psychic who simply doesn't care? Telapathy
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love's sweet ki-- Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Unless my wife just gave birth to you.
your mama so fat she was going to walmart tripped over kmart and landed right on target!!!
Microsoft just announced they are changing the name of Xbox's Premier Multiplayer Service from Xbox Live to Xbox Dead...
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay guys house. (awkward silence) knock knock. (who's there?) The chicken. Feel free to try on your friends, its a good laugh.
What so you call a religious dinosaur? A prayeradactyl.
Never understand when someone says, "cats are snobby." Like dogs are constantly inviting you & the kids over for burgers & a swim?
Dude... I was there, don't try to change the story.
Saying MILF... in an *incestous* family has a completely different meaning...
What do you call Trump and Hillary buried up to their necks in sand? Progress
I used to have some well constructed ass jokes But then I rectum.
On my latest trip through New England I was really impressed with New York City but Boston just blew me away
How does Satan measure his mass? In pentagrams.
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.
Yo mama is so stank... She has to put ice between her legs to keep the crabs fresh.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Why does the zoo only have dogs? Because they shot the gorilla
There are ten types of people in this world Those who understand binary and.. wait, shit
Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!
What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7? ....hasidic I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...
who says homosexuality isn't a decision? i turn women gay all the time.
I call my girlfriend Dumbledore. She's a head master.
Why do Chinese only care about themselves? Because they have no i's (plural of i). Edit: eyes. Eyes guys. It's a bad pun.
Does anyone know if ISIS is hiring? I heard they offer new hires a company cell phone and/or car.
What's the one public place that most people still support the separation of Colors and Whites? The laundromat.
What are some of your good 'fake names' Looking for some good joke names like: Mike Hunt Dixie Normous Ivana fukalot ect
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I would help you carry some of those bushes... but I've already got two palms on my hands.
The next iPhone won't be a failure In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.
What do u call a greedy lesbian? Bush hog.
I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don't even like 2 of them...
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon ? *...Tennish...*
Just overheard the phrase, "pregnant with a baby," and secretly wondered what the other options were.
For someone who said "Correct me if I'm wrong..." you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
What did the New York Salmon say to the driver? I'm swimming here!
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Why couldn't the two melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!  I'll see myself out now...
So my friend told me I don't understand the meaning of irony... It was ironic because I was sitting on a park bench.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
What did the man say while holding a square clock? I'm holding Time Square!
How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer? They look at your feet instead of theirs.
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. "What's this for?" He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
So Lisa said she wanted to be friends with benefits Where's my dental plan, you slut? (source, college humor)
If you're reading this.. then you are not Floyd Mayweather.
My gassy dog might be the leader of Russia... ...because she is always Putin.
What's the worst part about necrophilia? When you get stiff before she does.
What do you call a bone that disrespects God? A Blasfemur
How I reacted to the Fine Bros controversy... [deleted]
What book do you like the most? Woman: "My husband's checkbook."
What's black and white and red all over? Michael Jackson, after the autopsy.
A battery's life sucks. You're either working or you're dead.
I have a joke about fat people with big butts... Butt weight... That's not fanny.
There's no harm in trying Unless you try to commit suicide,that will suck real bad
What do you call a body builder? Jim.
I just learned you need five sheep to make a sweater. I didn't know they knew how to knit.
I have a pill that helps you lose pounds fast its called the brexit pill
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
Read more Ant jokes
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn't know by now where babies come from it's not my place to tell her
Why are seals such homebodies? Because clubbing isn't any fun.
I have one trophy on reddit. Dust
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk... budumdum tssssss
Using a macbook is like making love to a woman There are so many things to do with your fingers, but none of them work.
[On stage at comedy club] "Doritos: 11 chips per serving" *audience erupts in laughter* "Oreos: 3 cookies per serving" *audience loses it*
What do you call someone who blows himself up by accident? An Errorist!
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer? Detective: He's white Other detective: A muscular build Me: He kills people
My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her. It's like she's a drunk version of me.
An alcoholic walks into a candy store... then a table, then a chair, floor.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?
Short people are oppressed They're always getting overlooked.
Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't get an asshole until they get married.
I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women [FIXED] Turns out they're way harder to pick up than I thought.
Why was the tampon flying down the school hallway? He was late for his next period.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest? Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!
What did the roadman say when he saw the Mona Lisa? That's a peng ting.
Hey Reddit, What are your favorite jokes?
How are a grenade and a girlfriend similar? If they're good ones, they'll both blow really well.
What do you get when you combine a black guy and an octopus? nobody knows actually but it will be perfect for picking cotton.
Who Wears The Old Clothes Of Angela Merkel? Angela Merkel.
I've decided to become a raw carnivore... I guess you can say I'm going cold turkey
I remember the last thing my granddad said before he kicked the bucket. I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?
What is a Freudian slip? When you say one thing but mean your mother.
Why did the chicken cross the road To get to the other side (   )
My wife came home with a duck under her arm... "This is the pig I've been fucking" she said "That is a duck, not a pig" I replied "I'm not talking to you"
New Girlfriend (56) -- Postponed due to rain NOTICE: New Girlfriend (56) will be made up next Wednesday as part of a double header along with New Girlfriend (57).
My kids can't hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
A zombie apocalypse would be so much funnier if we started burying people in those fuzzy duck slippers that quack when you walk.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~My son apparently
"I see people." - The Fifth Sense
Orange Soda I've always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide. It's just Fanta-sea really
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT. Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
There's a German shepherd next door who keeps burying under my fence and shitting in the flower bed His dog is just as bad
Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly Now I'm just ugly
What do you call the facility where they make lower quality, but still acceptable, goods? The satisfactory.
Hey, having a good conversation with the cashier? Great. Hurry the fuck up. We have lives, sort of.
If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic!
I'd do anything to never be hungover again Except stop drinking
Never understood the point of black friday Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month
WHat's the worst part of being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the gas chamber
How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they've invented torches.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequillllaaaa
Your face... ...looks like it caught on fire and somebody tried to put it out with a hammer.
What if the missing plane is still up there? "What?" Did you check the sky? "No." See, this is why you'll never advance, Kevin.
They're upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ali ! Ali who ? Ali-luyah at last you've opened the door !
Boyfriend VS motorbike ufffff.  "Full LOL joke" Q: What is the difference between motorbike and boyfriend? A: Well, bike is first kicked than used and boyfriend is first used than kicked ZZZZ ... :)
Why was the snowman smiling? He saw the snowblower coming
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! (Credit to the Pythons)
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? He was *too far out, maaan*.
Let me make an iphone joke Never mind, Ill just come up with a new one
A guy and his dog Guy walks up to his dog and says "I need a divorce" The dog replies "yeah, my wife is a bitch too."
How does a police officer go to the bathroom? Ctrl+C
that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse
Once all serial killers decided to compete for the most kills It was a cut throat competition
Birds A duck walks into a restaurant. After eating a whole meal, he says to the waiter "Just put is on my bill"
Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice? On the average, he was quite comfortable.
Why was the programmer lonely? Off-by-one error. :(
Can you really take sticks and twigs and make them into clothing? Sew it wood seam
If you hold the ocean up to your ear, it sounds just like a sea shell.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid. "You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician... "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
I always tell my kids to stay in school... but they keep fucking coming back.
Did you "ask" me or "axe" me? Because seriously...... one is murder.
A man submitted a joke about alligators with ED to a pun competition... But it caiman second.
What can blow your Mind? A Brain Prostitute! (Maybe a repost though I haven't seen it)
I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid.!
What kind of dog chases anything red ? A bull dog !
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at 1,000 douchebag tattoos at once.
Ginger Ale tastes so much worse outside an airplane.
What do you call it when Wonder Woman does too many drugs? Heroine overdose
-What do you think I should buy, a cow or a bike? _You'd look pretty funny riding a cow...but you'd look much worst milking a bike
And I thought I had issues. - Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.
Why did the spelling bee champ have to go to rehab? He was hooked on phonics.
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." - me, peeping at you in the shower
I'm obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Whenever someone says "you know who you are," I always wonder if it's me and I don't realize it.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other.
The number one problem in the world today is apathy. But who cares?
I bet if a renaissance artist traveled through time to a modern museum, they'd be like: "Uh-oh. Someone leaked my nudes."
Why are spiders good swimmers ? They have webbed feet !
Where does the pervert keep the underwear he steals? In his briefcase!
I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.
Happy Groundhog Day everybody!!! So put your little hand in mine and there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb...
Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit
I'm like a kid. People like me best when I'm quiet or sleeping.
My attorney likes to earn from my mistakes.
I don't get nervous if I'm surrounded by beautiful women. I know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me.
Just went to a dance for mentally handicapped people It was basically one big slow dance.
Mexican joke What do you call a Mexican without a car? Carlos
Why did the boat dock with the all of the other boats? Pier Pressure
I've heard they are re-casting Two and a Half Men with 5 midgets.
What do I call my dick? Steve Harvey because it's rising right now
Almost had a threeseom. All i needed was 2 more girls.
*sees a car with a "how am i driving" bumper sticker* *calls the phone number* ME: buddy i think it's with a steering wheel
Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls.
Wanna hear a joke about Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? I would tell you but its dangerously cheesy.
Parallel lines have so much in common, It's a shame they'll never meet.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
2 snowmen in field, one Turns to the other and says "can you smell carrot?"
A guy tries to save someone's life... He goes to donate blood, but he decided not to. The doctor told him it would be in vein.
We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.
Can Feburary March? No. But April May
What does the Pope use to dry his hands? Papal towels.
Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob? (No- what?) Want to get lunch sometime?
Saying 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing.. .. except when at a funeral.
Sometimes I do things to children that they're too young to understand... ...such as teaching them calculus and microbiology.
A builder came up to me. He said, "Do you know how to make a fruit stand?" "Yes," I said. "You just have to balance it on a flat surface."
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
What day do most mothers give birth? Labor day.
How do rhinos like their eggs? Poached.
Amy Winehouse's final album was "recorded before her death." Thanks for the clarification.
I have so much pubic hair I can start a cattle ranch
COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"
I asked a Jewish girl for her number... She rolled up her sleeve
Ever heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
Let's talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You're a real piece of shit, Tammy.
You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath... I'll draw it
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular
How do Filipinos count money?  One-a two-a three-a four-a another-a ...
[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?
If your mule ate my prize winning bird, what would you have? My 3 foot cock in your ass!
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it WIFE: well santas not real, hun ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Do you know what happens when gay marriage is legalized? BREAKING NEWS: California's drought is over. Water supply flourishing from the tears of the racist, homophobic, and conservative southerners
I farted in church today..... I farted in church today and four people spun around in their seats and looked at me. I felt like I was on the Voice!
There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store... The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
A Buddhist monk walks up to a Hotdog vender and says "Make me one with everything"
You want to know what marriage is like? Think of a prison... Now don't change anything.
Mute goes to a wedding... After the ceremony he won't let go of his dick and everyone's a little put off by his public display. With his free hand, he signs "Speak now or forever hold your peace".
Did you hear about the man trapped in a nun's body? His name is God.
At first I didn't know how to dig a trench but then I got to the bottom of it.
Internet went down last night My neighbour added a password
But if two men get married, they'll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
60% of African American girls agree to giving me a blowjob I guess you could call it a 3/5's compromise
What does my physics professor have in common with Gandalf? YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!
Which mafia boss came with all the dlc? John Goty
Yo mama is so Black that she went to the funeral naked!
I wipe my ass like I drive... Only stop on red
If you made a triangle with sticks... would it be twigonometry?
Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
Why does a fetus have more rights than a women? Because a fetus still have a chance to become a Man
Snowballs Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.
Fruit roll ups I went to the supermarket and asked a clerk if they had fruit roll ups, he then called his gay manager to hug me.
What do you call an angry paraplegic? A steamed vegetable.
The Blonde Waitress Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please? Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say "Hello".At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I'm more of an amateur bater. I agree, I need more practice.
Two hillbillies were playing chess..
I saw that show locked up abroad. I expected to see more than just a women getting locked up. But that's all it was, that show is so literal.
The problem with being gay It's a pain in the ass
Two twins are looking through a family photo album "It's not you, it's me" They both say in unison.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I'm like HOLY CRAP I'M OUTSIDE.
My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, "Do it. Become the plane you've always dreamed of. I love you." *Soft kiss*
My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.
James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken. Chicken: What's your name? Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond. Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream.
How do you troll someone? Make them wipe their screen because they think text is a smudge.
Mad Libs inventor died today of POOPING. He is survived by his PIZZA CHEESE and his LAWN DARTS. He will be A DINOSAUR.
Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed !
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to the other "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" A: The other replies "That was no piccolo that was my fife."
There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"
What's the best city to search the World Wide Web in? Rome.
What do women and hurricanes have in common? When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and your car
Why do we drive on parkways when we park  on driveways?
Women always say they want security... When I'm around.
What's an owl's favourite pin code? 2820!!!!!!!!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Why is Man Utd's chemistry lacking? Because they are held together by weak van den Gaal's forces.
What kind of soap do Middle Eastern citizens use? Arab spring
Duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some lip balm. "Certainly sir, will that be cash or credit?" "Just put it on my bill."
what's green and floats? a leaf
Uncle Frank's will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store. He will be mist.
I'm a masochist. I downvote myself.
I'd also tell you a joke about how my balls hang. . . But that's too low.
I came up with a movie idea. A man's daughter is abducted. This man has has a unique set of skills and goes on a revenge rampage. But the idea was taken.
I saw a girl texting while driving the other day.. it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
Where is Macau located? In MaFarm
They took my mood ring... ...and I don't know how i feel about it.
Hands down half 6 is my favourite time of day.
Chicks... ...they only get laid once.
How do you comfort a grammar nazi? Pat him or her on the back and say, "Their, they're..."
What do you call a policeman with blonde hair ? A fair cop !
The person who came up with "happily ever after" probably didn't realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I'm selling my Theremin.... I haven't touched it in years.
what type of shoes do artists wear? sketchers
Just bought some local farm-fresh free-range artisanal organic grass-fed hormone-free something or other that makes me better than you.
Happiness is like peeing in your pants ...everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
I love Alfredo sauce. Unless you're a dude named Alfredo.
Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.
"we can put a man on the moon but ___________" (insert issue that is vastly different)
Did u guys know u can smoke Newports on Delta flights
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says... "What's with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Argh!! I don't know but it's driving me testicles!!!"
what's worse than having a cold right before a job interview ? the holocaust
What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mom? Your mom is funny.
Q: What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle? A: Wheeee!
What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil? A religious movement!
What's the difference between awkward and awful? Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"
What separates the men from the boys? Operation Yewtree.
Why did Newton's wife got pregnant? Because he doesn't believe in using quantum
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Why shouldn't you drink at a math party? Because you shouldn't drink and derive.
I was going to say a gay joke but fuck it.
Why are sergeants so successful in physical contests? Three stripes, you rout.
What is CC Sabathia's favorite inning to pitch in baseball? The bottom of the fifth
Girls hope you celebrated Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas  ? A merry Christmas to ewe
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? One gets a badge for lighting stuff on fire, while the other gets a badge for being lit on fire.
Just farted and it sounded like Louis Armstrong saying the word "blueberry" with his mouth full.
What do you call a cow stuck in a hurricane? A milkshake.
As my friend confessed, "My teenage daughter never even talks to me," I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: *never goes home*
Me: *to dog* what should I wear today bud? Dog: *pants*
Did you hear that they are building massive oscillating blades in New York? I wasn't a big fan of the idea
What do you call an Irish man who won't leave your porch? Paddy O' furniture
Why do people even like anal? It's fucking shit.
Cleaning the Attic Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey - get out! We don't want your type in here!''
Pinocchio When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood? when his hand caught fire!!
What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke? Diet coke has better advertising.
Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?
Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.
I'd do well in a zombie apocalypse because I'm near sighted, get cramps if I don't get enough potassium and my only skill is googling things
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
*Snoop walks into a classroom* Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory Teacher: It's the Big Bang Theory *Snoops walks out disappointed*
Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine, the wooden doors and the wooden chassis? It wooden go.
I forgot :( Whilst climbing in the roof space to get down the kids Christmas gifts, I found a present I'd forgotten last year. Such a shame - they would have loved that puppy.
I've decided my tweets sound better when I say them so instead of tweeting I'm just gonna call all of you when I think of stuff.
Dear women, you're all fucking crazy. Signed, every dude.
Viagra Tea Does nothing for your sexual vigour, but stops your biscuit going soft.
What's the slipperiest country? Greece!
Who is the Gorillas' favourite  playwright? Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'
You did yoga. You didn't negotiate a peace treaty. Stop walking around like that.
What should you do if you find a snake sleeping  in your bed ? Sleep in the wardrobe !
My ex-girlfriend once said "It's either me or Twitter." I wonder how she's doing.
What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?
My children annoy me so I'm leaving everything in my will to a nap I took in 2007.
How many fat people does it take to get a subreddit banned? [This post has been banned for your protected - Ellen Pao] ^^^NINJAEDIT: ^^^Just ^^^one
Some people say I dream too much, I say it's just because my life is better than their dreams are.
How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children? You put a guitar in his hands.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work. Can't reward bad behavior with a positive response. Training works both ways
I've just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer's conference. "Do you know who I am?" I shouted.
Trump is asked what his position on women's issues Trump replies "Look, I know a lot of women and they all have issues"
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?
why don't melons run away to get married? because they cantaloupe
"Pardon me miss, but would you mind moving out of the way?" --Polite Ludacris
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
What do you call conjoined dolphins Dual porpoise
I was gonna make a gay joke... But Fuck that
Mt. Everest has lost its record status ... ... now that a British astronaut is Earth's highest Peake.
Any subreddits to help you cope with schizophrenia? Asking for a friend
Confucius say... Man who go to bed with sex in mind, wake up with solution in hand.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Putting the dog down today. Gonna start by telling him he has a big nose.
The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.
So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God... ... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like mcgonagall: so...a magic glass ceiling dumbledore: [starts sweating]
Sometimes when I'm sad, I'll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people's heads...
What's the difference between magic and black magic? Black magic doesn't work.
What is that the more you desire, the less you can get? Beautiful girls.
A man walks into a bar... His friends ducked.
I fucked up making my coffee today \#nofilter
I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work She only got docked a week's pay
Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated.
What do you call a slow hurricane? A slowicane.
What Should I Do Today? Eat A Bomb?Nuke A Toaster?Ride Nyan Cat Into Space?Bomb ISIS?Oh Theres Just So Much You Can Do!
I heard this amazing joke the other day, made me laugh so hard. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten it.
Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i'm thinking Arby'sTM
LPT: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain,and that's where shitty ideas come from.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
A double-amputee walks into a bar Then he remembers he's already legless and walks out again.
How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced? A Buccaneer.
What did the elephant say to the man? Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?
I just took the Bruce Lee of dumps. It fucked my ass all up.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
[gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! "Thanks" Anytime, pumpkin! "You're sweet" You're one in vermillion!
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
*First Date* Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me. Him: There's cheese in your hair. And we haven't eaten yet.
What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One's weasily recognised - the other's stoatally different
Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.
What do you call a bearded gardener? Hairy Potter
I thought I really understood what I was thinking, and then I spoke.
Sorry about your street cred, black guys named Milton.
What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile? Just trying to fit in, really.
Volkswagen How many Jews Can you fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ashtray
What is the difference between the Christmas  alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
Where was Timmy when the bomb fell? Everywhere.
What does a preverted frog say? Rubbit.
The cops did a high-risk raid on a drug operation located at a barn I guess you could say it was a *high steak operation*
The punchline comes first. How can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time?
Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)
Why do people dislike the new iPhone 7 so much? It can't do jack shit.
What do you call an aligator in a vest? investigator
My bathroom smells like somebody just took a shit when I walked out of it.
What is the most affectionate type of chicken? The tender ones (Badum Tss)
If you're in college, what do you do when your flatmate has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? ...throw in your dirty laundry.
"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."
"Liquor in the front, poker in the back" is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church's charity poker team... I know that now.
Did some stand up at a bird sanctuary... They were eating out of the palm of my hands.
what is the most confusing day in the ghetto? father's day
My friend bought a choir girl zombie costume for Halloween. She put it on and said, "Am I menacing?" I said, "Of course, you're a choir girl."
Saudi Arabia... ...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.
The definition of mixed emotions... My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car
What sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.
It was recently discovered that Pluto is not actually a dog.
Ever hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he.
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. I had no idea how to pronounce her name.
I'm getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors I guess I'm getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome
Q: What did one candle say to the other candle? A: Are you going out tonight?
LISA GOPMAN: EATING DISORDER For as long as I can remember, I've had an eating disorder: reverse anorexia. It's when I look in the mirror and think I'm really skinny.
What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo? a force of habit
When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman
100% of Nickelback fans drive drunk.
[therapy] WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I for one... ... love Roman numerals.
What's big and grey and protects you from the rain ? An umbrellaphant !
Ever want to have rodeo sex? Get on top and call her by the wrong name and try and hold on for 8 seconds.
Half of all marriages end in divorce... The other half end in death.
Nothing says "We have no faith in our own products" like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
Republicans say it's raining; Democrats say it's sunny. Rather than go outside and see for themselves, the media reports the controversy.
I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!
What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five
Yeah, I guess you could say I "rescued" my dog. I did stop him right before he was gonna start his own podcast
Your momma so fat... Her aides close lanes on the George Washington Bridge
"I love my Job!" -Job's wife
TRUMP: Let's get that Muslim Band going "Band? We thought you said ban" TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. Also, how's that Mexican mall coming?
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else's
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they're in.
What do you call a man standing up to his knees in water? Wade
I was going to tell a joke about sodium... But then I said "Na, I'll do it later."
If you combined all the movies of Rob Schneider and made them into one single movie, it would be an extremely long movie.
I ate way too many freedom fries yesterday. I had to liberate the toilet for hours.
I made a website for Kids' jokes. But for some reason people seem hesitant to go to kidslaughter.com
Yo mama so fat... ... slapping her belly causes gravitational waves. OR ... every step she takes causes a ripple in special relativity.
I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture. I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.
All the jokes about iPhone 6S are just slightly improved jokes about iPhone 6.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra... The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals...
Where do you find the best tofu in the entire world?
yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 seconds.
My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.
Why do they build fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead [Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Three stages of a man's life . . . . . Want to stand up Want to stand up Want to stand up
Oh yeah bro? That's not what your mom said last night. I don't think so, anyway. It was a long conversation. She sounds well. Lovely person.
I just bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
Be alert! The world needs more lerts.
#VALUE!
Visiting grandma (nsfw) Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today! "Shut up and keep digging, boy."
I was having sex with a woman last night and she kept screaming this other guys name. Who the hell is this "Rape" fellow, anyway?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Two peanuts were walking through Central Park late at night. One was a salted.
What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets the point.
Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better.
Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
My thanks to Mexican Coke for sponsoring this week's weirdly tight pants. "Mexican Coke: Porque tu pantalones deben ser dolorosos."
What's the difference between a brothel and a circus? Your mother never ran away to join the circus.
The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
did you hear about that kidnapping in Texas? He woke up.
FB lesson number #1. If you don't want people meddling in your business, stop  posting it on your status.
The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else's birthday.
A pig with wings walks into a bar. Stunned, the bartender says "You can't bring food in here from another restaurant! Even if you are a cop!"
My favorite jokes are the short ones that make me laugh. Here's a short one that I hope makes you laugh. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? - You look for FRESH PRINTS!!
I'm scared of the toilet That's where shit goes down
Do you know the problem with ordering duck? It always comes with the bill.
"Raising a family is hard," he said. "Not if they're buried close enough together," replied the Necromancer.
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Just when I think I'm 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.
What do you call a cute homeless girl? Dust Bunny
I asked my wife if we could do 68 tonight. She'd blow me, and I'd owe her one.
The toilet bowl was stolen from the local police precinct last night. The cops have nothing to go on.
No, you're not fat, you're just easy to see.
Did you guys see the new line of Tony Romo's cologne? Every time you wear it, you fuck up and the other guy scores.
What does Sean Connery wear to avoid the paparazzi? His shunglasshesh
I farted on the bus today and four people turned around I felt like I was on The Voice
(NSFW) What did the haddock get covered in at the fish orgy? SALMONal fluid
One day I'll cure deafness... You hear me!
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it.
Is this InkJet any good? Sure, we've sold it to royalty Princesses? Mate, it prints ALL the letters!
What do you call someone who sneezes doing cocaine? A snowblower
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Why does Donald Trump hate Chris Jericho? Because Jericho wants to break the walls down
Remember that AMA guy whose mother slept with him because he had broken his arms? She was adding incest to injury.
What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown This was a joke I heard on TV some time ago ... Thought it was worth a share.
Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?
Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells? Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why does santa say ho ho ho? Because three hos are better than one!
IAMA convicted murderer who escaped last week from an upstate New York prison currently on the run somewhere in North America. AMA!
I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Pepsi just bought out Nike. Nike's new slogan will be, "Just Dew It".
You're the only one who understands me, last remaining sleeve of Oreo cookies.
Knock knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Wow, I didn't know you could yodel!
A Wizard walks into a gay bar, and disappears with a poof.
what if soy milk is just regular milk.... introducing itself in spanish
There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate....others require a full clip and a shovel.
Lovers joke When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
There are 10 kinds of people... * The ones who know binary * The ones who doesn't know binary * and the ones who taught that this joke was in binary...
Well... I like to think of it this way if we survived two fantastic 4 movies we could survive Ragnarok and hey we did good job world
What do you call an Irish Jew? A leprechaun!
*boss calls me into office* "um but sir my name is--" Be quiet you're "into office" now
Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry's singing
How can you tell if lunch meat is from West Virginia? It's in bread
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.
What is it called when a bunch of people, all under 5'2", go to a raging party? High wasted shorts!
Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right
What's Franklin D Roosavelt's favorite game show? Deal or New Deal
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
13 year old girls be like "I need a man who.. " Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.
Never tell a joke to plutonium, there reaction is explosive
What type of car does an African drive? A Sudan
If you watch the biggest loser backwards it's a story about your mom.
Why does homemade bread not make your throat itch? It's made from scratch ^*NB ^OP ^is ^heckle-proof*
I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.
Where does bad light go? Into a prism.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
Why was six afraid of seven? Seven is a registered six offender.
Wanna hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
What did the gang-banger say when two houses fell on him? Get off me, homes.
You know it's cold outside when... You buy a foot long at Subway and by the time you get it to you car it's a six inch
What car does the Loch Ness Monster drive? A Ford F-tree-fiddy
Did it hurt when you fell? Into the toilet, you piece of shit?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You're welcome, girls.
What smells worse than an anchovy? An anchovy's cunt
Did you guys hear about the girl that had three vaginas? She kept getting fucked left, right and centre.
The awkward moment when you say, "I love you," then the pizza delivery guy says, "That'll be $12.46, please."
My paper aeroplane won't fly. It's completely stationery.
You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.
If I die in a fire, I want my last words on my grave... ... "I won't die, I'm 70% water!"
What's the best way to capitalize on an opportunity? ON AN OPPORTUNITY
60 Second Lover I think my girlfriend has fucked sixty one people before me. She calls me her sixty second lover ....
What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large
Girls, if you're gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
What's good on pie, but not on pussy? Crust.
What the difference between a calender and you.... a calendar has dates.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
What happens to a tapeworm after it dies? It will be interred.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If a red panda is caught stealing, what do you call it? It was caught Red Panded
What do ants drink? Tea. It's an ant tea joke.
I don't need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket.
Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic? He needed to change attire. (I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)
I recently came into a very large sum of money so they fired me from my job at the bank.
How many dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? Giraffe.
A small boy got lost at a baseball game... He went up to a police officer and said: "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."
Donald Trump wants to build a wall between USA and Mexico... It's okay, we have tunnels.
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... fucking livid
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar... It was in tense.
What's the difference between a blonde and an Airbus A380? Not everyone has been in an Airbus A380.
It's amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday. For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Every time I don't clog a toilet I feel like I've gotten away with something
How many cannibals does it take to make a sandwich? Two.
Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer.
If someone says you're a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid.
The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing
What do kids like to eat in the playground? Recess Pieces.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn't go very well. You're not meant to sit on them.
How do jellyfish live without brains They are blond
i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards
What's another word for "thesaurus"? Steven Wright joke, iirc.
Anonymous gets Alzheimer's They sign off: We are Anonymous, we are a legion, we do not forgive, we do not....
What's brown and sticky? (wait! There's more...) What's brown and sticky? A Stick. What's brown, sticky and Yiddish? A schtick.
What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper
How do you call a beautiful feminist? An oxymoron
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
What do you call a nun that sleep walks? A roamin' catholic
I saw a badass preview for a new movie coming out! It said it was called "U.S. Marines"
*sticks switchblade into bag of NES cartridges, licks tip of knife, nods to boss* It's good.
Me: Girls' night in!!! Cat: I'm a cat. Me: You're my best friend. Cat: I'm not even a girl cat. Me: So it's like a date? Cat: Get help.
Dont drink and Derive Especially in Meth class
It's all fun and games until you lose your wifi signal.
Last night, Daredevil beat me up and took my money. I was robbed blind.
I wouldn't say my butt plug the best sex toy... but it's definitely up there.
My friend tried to get me with bird puns today... I told him toucan play that game.
In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then mom gave birth to me.
I got mad at a rock today. I chopped it in half with my lightsaber. Now there are two rocks. Send help. Now.
Doctor says: "No sex for 6 weeks after birth." Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow? Doctor: Me: Doctor: Please tell me you're not the father.
We're gonna party like its 1999. //breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I'm starting a dating app for people who live in Eastern Virginia I'm calling it Chesapeake BAE
Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game? Egypt: 8. Ethopia: Didn't.
what's the male equivolent of a widow? Free
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance* *the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[god creating ants] Anteater: finally
What did the Alligator say to the turtle? Can I bayou a drink?
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
main difference between /news/ mods and north korea? one side executes people for no reasons and puts people in detentions camps, the other one is a country.
pull my upvote
I went to the zoo the other day... The only animal they had was a small dog. It was a shih tzu
If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.
Why do people love their smartphones so much? Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)
When someone says "I need this done yesterday" it's like I'm not going to be bossed around by someone who doesn't understand how time works
ran outta bowls so i filled the cups of a bra with peanuts on one side, chips on the other then carried it to the couch. im 26, available
They say that the best airing time is 20:00... ...but I think 19:59 is the real prime time.
If you don't get my Harry Potter references, there is something siriusly ron with you
How long does it take an Ethiopian Women to take a shit? 9 Months.
Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.
I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can't open my midnight snacks. It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
What does a tech geek say when they're taking a shit? "Clearing my cache."
What do you call someone who knows all? Nostril-damus.   Works better if you read the joke out loud.
I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war. I wonder if he was mowed down?
At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
What happens when you mix a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite
The new Pope got Bird flu... ...I heard he caught it from one of his Cardinals.
Can't wait till bin Laden slips up and checks-in on Foursquare.
What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? If it's a good day lipstick
Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer... They never get old.
What do you call a Mexican that flies a plane? A pilot, you racist!
Why did the existential nihilist cross the road? Who cares.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
now this is really a joke i love to read jokes but theres no function to read the next joke so it is a lot of tedious clicks to get there
I like my women like I like my wine... Twelve years old and in the cellar.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut fucks everyone... A bitch fucks everyone but YOU.
A Russian asks another Russian if he's seen the new magic show in town. "Cock ta-da?" "Yeah, horror show."
What do you call a hobo with an afro? A frobo.
People say you never see ninjas but I see their girlfriends hanging around mosques all the damn time.
What does a landmine field and my pet friendly apartment complex have in common? It doesn't matter where you step, shit is about to happen
Why do rabbits love beer? Because it's made of hops.
A boy met a girl She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single? She:No, I'm a dentist
My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle. He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.
A man walks into a bar... Just kidding
A man with a... A man with a twelve in penis can't spel.
What do you call an elf made of lego? Legolass
Have you guys seen this? Have you heard about this? Wow, what a tewwific audience.
Your vehicle has this magical lever That shows which direction you're turning
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What's your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Why are there more female than male archeologists? They always want to find a new bone.
But were you called "dream wife" on the internet today? Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL. "Your crush" has added you to list "Friend Zone".
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.
What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck? I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.
Cigarettes aren't addicting Just look at me. I smoke all the time, and I'm not addicted.
What is a baby's favorite Fall Out Boy song? Thanks For The Mammaries
Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One fly cuts a fart. The other one says, "Hey! I'm eatin' here!"
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she's so cute and at her dad's I went with all of it!
Most animals don't like gore. But leeches are suckers for blood.
Who's gonna be the next queen of R&B? I don't know yet but she's gonna be Beyondce!
New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist. You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.
When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open !
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
No end in sight... I can't see an end.  I have no control. I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Time for a new keyboard.
To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I'm not letting you out!
Did you hear about the terrorist suicide bombers rave party? I heard they had a blast.
Why would you never starve to death in a desert? Because you'd probably die of dehydration first. While a human can only go about a week without water, it can go up to three weeks without food.
What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold.
*cop approaches me* "have u seen this girl?" *holds up photo* "yeah I've seen her, NAKED" *hi-5* "haha but seriously shes in my trunk"
It's hard telling how many Kleenex I've fathered.
According to my neighbor's journal, I have "boundary issues."
"Bear with me" -A Russian bear trainer
ME: look a possum HER: actually it's spelled opossum ME: you don't no how I spelled it, we're talking HER: actually it's spelled know
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi and Adolf Hitler walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
*sends you a pic of a kitten* *you reply, "Awe"* *face melts* *responds, "We've been over this already, it's "Aww"* *deletes your number*
A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.
I had the worst night last night.. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
Did you guys hear about the talking polar bear? He's very arcticulate! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
May be behind but what do you call a Curiosity with only 2 wheels Bi-curious
"how'd your football team football today?" those footballers footballed quite well...really good footballin'
What do you call the 1 yard line at the Super Bowl? ...A running play - Obviously...
Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.
ActivityBuddy A new app is sweeping the AppStore, using GPS technology similar to Grindr/ Tinder, ActivityBuddy matches up people who enjoy the same activity. The #1 activity? Anonymous gay sex.
If someone stole Sherlock Holmes' magnifying glass, how would he search for clues? Using watSonar
I went to the doctor yesterday I told him my penis suddenly turned into a tiny green ball. He said I may have peacock syndrome.
How do you make a space party? -You PLANet
Why do Steven Avery's victims see him naked from the waist down? Because his lawyers keep filing away his briefs.
Christian Bale won Best Supporting Actor for playing a mentally unstable drug addict.And then Charlie Sheen was like, "You can get an award for that?
What is the worst type of sand to have in your pants? Sandusky
Batman can safe the world ,but clark kent
Why are there no podiatrist generals? Because all they know is de feet
Egyptians don't walk like that.
Fart tutor wanted, must have references
Have you seen the movie Constipated? That's because it hasn't come out yet.
I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.
I like Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones But I like him better in smaller roles.
How do you get the most apples when bobbing  at Halloween Wear a snorkel !
ME: hey baby HOT GIRL: ME: HOT GIRL: ME: HOT GIRL: ME: *looks closer* HOT GRILL: ME: oh
Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.
What do a redhead and a freezer have in common? They've both got ice on the inside.
Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33. They're trying to keep it out of high schools.
Why are men smarter while having sex? Because they're plugged into a know it all.
I think it's time I throw away my fleshlight My masturbation is getting a little out of hand.
What do you get when Italians join ISIS? Baked Yazidi
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The dye used to color Sesame Street's Elmo red is made from the blood of virgin Canadians.
What's the difference between a Lentil and a Chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a Lentil on my face.
if the plan is "eat pancakes now figure out life later" then yes everything is going according to plan
Tequila everyday keeps sobriety away
How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?
You know how they say "if you snooze you lose"... I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it.
Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use a Twitter? Because he kills all 140 characters.
This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that "it stays in your system forever," so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.
Steve Irwin will always be in our hearts Just like the stingray needle in his.
What do you call a record of everything that goes in and out of your ass? An ANALog.
Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
You know something, Jon Snow Lord Commander: "So, Jon Snow, is it true you have lain with a Wildling girl?" Jon Snow: "Yes, sir, it is true. But I have no Ygrittes."
Yes, I've been in love before. I've also had salmonella poisoning and you don't see me running back for seconds.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it. *a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I became a vegan yesterday... ...but I tell you, it was a missed-steak.
Wanna see a banana split? Wait until it turns black and tell it he's the father.
Just tried to read an article that wasn't a list. Bunch of words, no GIFs, and it required me to think?? 0/10 would not recommend.
Just picked up some cologne from the .99 cent store because chicks dig it when I smell like back child support and restraining orders
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant? Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest
I got a new job! I got a great new job working for The Mint. I'm gonna make so much money! Also steal a bunch.
I'm holding a party for people who can never reach orgasm If you can't come let me know.
I forgot, what is the name they call themselves, the group that wants to form a new country in what is now Syria and Irak? They are the Nemesis of the USA.
Do you guys remember that party at Bill Cosby's last weekend? Me neither.
You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?
Eating spicy food is like expressing your love to someone who has no interest in you... you always get burned in the end.
A way you can tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist ask them to pronounce the word 'unionized'
My cousin was one of the most ambitious people I ever knew. Unfortunately, he struggled with depression. His life motto? "Gosh darn it, I'm going to kill myself, or die trying!"
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....
Why is it fun to play with matches ? They're lit.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? The P is silent.
Why are lumberjacks bad at online video games? Because their connections are so weak they are always logging out.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard. The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I wish my thumbs had the power of Pandora. I would give people the thumbs down & they'd instantly disappear & be replaced w/ a better one.
What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells
Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.
What happened to the dog that fell into a  lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.
My girlfriend played the cello and I loved it. But recently she gave up the cello and took up the violin, so I had to break up with her. Because I'm all about that bass, no treble.
When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
I'm good at turning on. .. Electronics
What do you take before every meal? A seat.
What is Harry potters favorite way to get down a hill? Walking....J.K . Rowling
I got arrested at the airport last week... Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
What do u call a disadvantage for being east-indian Hindi-capped
Hair Stylist: What are we doing today? Me: Let's do something that will look great here but I'll have no chance of replicating at home
My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I'm starting to think he borrows it while I'm asleep
I hope everyone on this flight covers for me by standing and announcing "No, I am Fartacus!" as we deplane.
What do you call a smelly man who tells terrible jokes? PUN-GENT
I fart like an Egyptian pharoah... We have a toot in common.
When life hands you 2 Lemons 1 cup sugar 2 tbsp flour 3 tbsp cornstarch 1 cup water 2 tbsp butter 4 eggs 1 pie crust you make lemon meringue
Trying to impress a girl who loves jokes about dead hookers. Give me ur best.
Someone broke a hole in the nudist colony's fence. Police are looking into it.
I want a Michael Corleone in the streets and a horse head in the sheets.
I've got a new job in a biscuit factory. So far I've made a packet.
Whenever somebody asks us how long we've been married... Whenever somebody asks us how long we've been married, we always answer: Me: Eight wonderful years. Wife: Eleven years.
Me: What's with the look? Hub: How would you like a full-service massage? Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I'm gone?
There is no Control (Ctrl) button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.
Why does a VC always enter a room backwards? To keep an eye on the exit
What do you call a country of grizzlies that is always stoned? A hibearnation.
I'm not in favour of student loans. I think people should get their own student.
It's the first day of Autumn so let's make like Humpty Dumpty!! And have a great Fall!
An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walk into a pub. They head to the bar and the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?!"
Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.
How do you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas? Because if it were invented anywhere else, it'd be called teethpaste.
What band's fanbase is the most charitable? U2, they're all pro-bono.
What kind of cheese should Richard eat? Ricotta
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
What did the black kid get on his SAT? Barbecue sauce
Teacher: We're going to need you to work with your daughter on humility. Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I'll give it a shot.
I have a joke to tell. Can you reddit?
There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates.
I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.
What's the hardest part about roller blading? Telling your parents that you're gay.
What do you call an Asian guy who is a member of ISIS? RICE-IS
Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How can you tell which one is the hooker? The one with the sticker that says, "Idaho".
I have to say to you something... something.
The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.
As if being a surgeon wasn't enough you're a general too?
What do you call Hitler underwater? Adolfin.
Did you know Oxford university was founded before the Aztec Empire? That explains the sacrifices my parents had to make to pay my tuition
I over-think, therefore I ruin everything
I asked one of my sumo-wrestling friends whether he wanted some sushi for dinner He just replied "No thanks, I'm not a big Japanese guy"
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool
What did the unimpressed cheese say? Que... so?
When you hear "I do not love you but we can be friends" it's like... your mother says "Your dog died but you can keep it".
How do you blindfold an Asian person? You put floss over his eyes.
What language do British wrenches speech? Spanish!
Q: What's the difference between a moose and an ant? A: A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn't have mooselers.
What type of fruit do twins prefer? Pears.
if u see someone chewing gum in the morning, it's 100% bc they didn't brush their teeth. they're nasty as hell n not worthy of ur respect
"You know the newest cars drive themselves. And they found that by turning an equal amount left and right, you end up going straight." "I swear, officer."
Game of Thrones is why I have trust issues.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that pursuing dentistry was a mistake.
What the difference between the titanic and climate change? Climate change beat the ice berg
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Why shouldn't you invite a duck to go out drinking? Because it would be a party fowl.
What do you call a pickle sandwich that's a scientist? Dill Rye
Whenever I'm getting off a plane I like to go up to the pilot, lean in really close and whisper "I had my phone on that whole time."
What is Chuck Norris' only weakness? Cancer
Why was Leia disappointed on her wedding night? Han shot first.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I saw a group of transvestites driving really fast... ... it took me a while to realise that they were drag-racing.
What do you call a horny dog in the kitchen? A fur-tile bitch
Just went sledding for the first time I liked it until I got on the sled. It was all down hill from there.
Twitter is the only place where you're thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
What do you call a bee that gets engaged? A Beyonce.
My heart goes out to the teenage girls in California who, due to the drought, can no longer take "unusually long" baths like we did
I've got the eye of the tiger, heart of a lion, and... a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Test post pls ignore I TOLD U TO IGNORE IT
I proposed to my Mexican girlfriend but she said... I wasn't the Juan.
im near a club thats popular with college kids and a white girl in a wu-tang shirt just yelled "PBR! WOOOO!"
why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you're a stupid old man
I must remember...no matter how well hidden I might be in my cardoard box fort, my boss can still track me down by the giggling.
need a Justin Bieber joke about the fist fight he got into last night
The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?''
[First date] Ok, don't let her know you're a pharmacist Her: Can you pass the salt? "Sure, it'll be ready in two hours."
What does a food lover do when they try a new food? They CURIOUSLY MASTERCATE.
Why do Welsh farmers .... Why do Welsh farmers tend to have sex with sheep on the edge of a cliff? So the sheep will push back
Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides
TIL That Oscar Pistorius once opened a pizza parlor only to have it fail and go bankrupt. The cause? His car was always breaking down, so OP never delivered.
Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
I'm dating a supermodel with hemiparesis. She's not half-bad.
I wasn't trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Do you want to hear a joke about suicide? So there was this girl.
I would make a joke about Mexicans... ...but that would be crossing the border
Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? A: Practice.
I call my Penis Batman... ... Woman love it, when the dark night rises.
Kids and adults loved it so, the happy world of Harambe. #neverforget
Women aren't that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
It's stupid to just ask "where" a sorority girl is when the more accurate question is "where in Target" is she.
Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they're like "have that one, I don't even want it"
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A: Nacho cheese.
Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field? The pot was calling the cattle back
I like my women like I like my coffee I hate coffee.
*aggressively keeps eye contact with attractive people to let them know I mean business*
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Never under estimate the value of stretching...the truth.
I went on a boat trip around Paris, ...it was in-seine!
Cocaine is never a solution... Unless it's dissolved in water.
Why did the ghost cross the road to get to the "Other Side".
"well well well, if it isn't the person who didn't like my Instagram photo" is how i like to address pretty much everyone
I just got an email offering "free bible verses". You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Never eat spoiled meat Or spoiled eggs
I like my coffee like I like my slaves... ...Free
I used to think that "Lacrosse"... Was what the French called that thing that Jesus carried on his back.
Where does Dracula live? Monte Cristo
The Camping Chemist Why do chemists never do well on camping trips? Because they pack titrations.
I'm gonna make like a standards censor and get the fuck outta here.
BREAKING NEWS: California's drought is over Water supply flourishing from the tears of the racist, homophobic, and conservative southerners.
ISIS should hire me... I have a lot of experience when it comes to bombing, especially on final exams.
The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it's definition.
One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Elvis just died!"  The second agent says nothing then starts nodding. "Good career move."
What game do they play at Mexican carnivals? Guaca-mole!
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Apparently SeaWorld CEO has declared an end to kissing and dancing for its performing Orcas... Now those whales will know how I felt at my high school prom!
Why did Hitler suicide? He got the gas bill
Diamonds are a girl's best friend until you realize they turn you into a shallow ho
What does an Ent want? A bad birch.
I think back to all the times I've masturbated up until now... ...its just nice to know how far I've cum.
Life hack: McDonald's will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
The Pink Panther's To Do list: - To do - To do - To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo
I Like My Coffee How I Like My Women Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes by a donkey.
I love posting spam. Although, I've been warned again by the Royal Mail not to mail bits of meat in the post.
Q: What kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic? A: Iceberg.
It's been about 3 years since my last drink and I'm still hungover.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
TIL That I'm NEVER getting prostate cancer
Whats that over there? I don't know but i think i just got a raging clue
I was told the Highlander was stopping by a Mexican nightclub When I showed up to the party, there was only Juan.
I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
They should just rename double stuffed Oreos to regular Oreos. And rename regular Oreos to "Do it Yourself Double Oreo Kits".
A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!
When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
i put tinder on my kindle it burst into flames
What do you call... ...a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob
Whenever I show someone a picture on my phone, I assume ninja stance in case they start scrolling.
I have an internet porn addiction. i really should beat it...
What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes? A clock! One provides the tic, the other provides the talk Credit to my Autistic Big Bro
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS? Well, one you have to shuck between fits...
Who won the Tour de France in 1940? the Sixth German Panzer Division
I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed.
Oscar Isaac wasn't nominated so far despite his performances in Inside Llewyn Davis and Ex Machina Talk about an Oscar being snubbed
Why are atoms so serious? Because they're no laughing matter.
"But what about all the Positive Nancys?" ~ a Nancy, complaining like usual
A tragic haiku hipsters panicking need a new pretentious food quinoa's too mainstream
A drummer trips and falls on a sheep, a candy brand, and then a running faucet *Baa Dum tss*
If it wasn't for the internet, I would think "12 Years A Slave" was a movie about a guy exaggerating about the first 3 weeks of marriage.
I don't live in my mother's basement... I live in your mother's basement.
How do deaf mathematicians communicate? Through sine language.
Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears do you have an infection ? Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
"You the bomb." "No, you the bomb." In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say? Ewe haul.
What do you call a Mexican baptism? A bean dip.
Have you heard about Samsung's new video game based on the Galaxy Note 7? They're calling it Mass Defect.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he didn't have an ear for music.
What is smaller than a teeny weenie fly? A fly's teeny weenie.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb...? ...to get to the other side
Have you seen www.veryangry.com? No AND STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
What's every movie critic's favorite cooking ingredient? Michael Bay Leaves.
Some joke my dad told me a long time ago What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to? Barbers.
Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats--taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Green Lantern That name has a nice ring to it
Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized his story? Because they called it garbage.
Why is the upcoming Windows OS called Windows 10? Because 7 ate 9...
A baby of few hours old is third in line for the highest title in the UK.
Messi carrying Argentina. Neymar carrying Brazil. British Airways carrying England
My wife and I just made a porno. Too bad she's my late wife.
Dance like no one is watching! Comment like you don't live in your mom's basement!
What do you call a rough Italian neighborhood? A Spaghetto
What does a Pirate say on his Eightieth birthday? AYE MATEY!
Dear Americans: It's called snow. It's cold and wet, but can't hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada
What's the difference between a white story and a black story? A white story starts with "Once Apon a Time" and a black story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this"
Why do I like sweet potatoes? Cuz they're yammy!!!
What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day? Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!
"I made $200.05 giving BJ's to people yesterday." "Who gave you a nickel?" "Everyone did."
What do you call a hooker with no limits? Your mom.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say "Ask me again later."
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of "Smith" and "Baker," we had "Frontenddeveloper" and "Socialmediaconsultant."
Detective: how were u able to do it? Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to  Paris? Ape Suzettes!
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
How to avoid clickbait? clearly, you wouldn't know...
I saw my brother kiss my uncle today. I'm starting to think he's relatively gay.
What did Hitler's cat think of the Holocaust? It was purrfect.
did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
What breathes out but never in? Your asshole
What's the worst cut of steak? Amazon Prime.
My wife is like a treasure You'll need an accurate map and a fucking shovel to find her.
A man walks into a bear... He is mauled to death.
When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all... ...I guess Canada fears change
Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today." The grandson says, "No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!"
Being God means never having to say you're sorry. Or anything, really.
A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.
"Hey dad! Did you get a haircut?" "No. I got them all cut."
A guy walks into a bar... He says ouch.
All the kids had a name except
Mickey is getting a divorce "mickey mouse it says you want to divorce minnie because she was...... extremely silly?" "no, i said she was fucking goofy"
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I just watched a documentary on marijuana They should all be watched that way
My friends recently got some copy of his grandfather's auschwitz diaries. They're a little brief though. Day 1: Showers
If intelligent people don't start procreating faster than the trash in "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," we're all heading towards a very  dismal future. Am I the only one seeing this?
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" ... well, swine flu.
Wheres the best place to hide a body? Page 2 of google search results
It turns out smoking prevents Alzheimers. You don't live long enough to develop it.
What happened before the Big Bang? Of course, The Big Foreplay.
An introvert looks down at his own shoes. An extrovert looks at other people's shoes.
My running tights are giving me a mean camel toe. I'm going to wear my "Mind the Gap" t-shirt to the gym
What dinosaur has the best vocabulary? The bronthesaurus.
What is the difference between the people in Dubai &amp; the people in Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!
All I'm saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
An orange juice factory decides to host a movie night.. They will be screening Pulp Fiction
I don't care about heaven when I die I just want to know which words I used the most and how many bears I unknowingly walked by &other stats
Level of Spanish - I understand what's going on by the intonation.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young Me: *raises hand 4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Dear people with resolutions, Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Why is there only women's studies in college, but not men's? Because we call men's studies history.
My welcome mat says, "Oh shit! Not you again!"
All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We'll beg them to beat and gas us, but they'll be like nope, you didn't appreciate it
After viewing The Aristocrats, What are Redditors version of this joke. Surely this place can come up with some pretty dirty shit for this one.
Joke What is a bed's motto
I don't envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero? he is OK now.
As a quiet and skinny person, I feel like we should charge loud and fat people more to ride the subway. It won't be difficult to implement either. All we would need to do is charge them by volume.
Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres drowned? They found her face down in Rikki Lake
Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats.
I tried to walk into Target... But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg RIP.
How lost members does it take to change a lightbulb?
If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much.
What's similar between Gump and Trump? They are both mentally challenged and "just felt like runnin'"
What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot? let me be your *soil*mate
I'm fed up with all that Superman crap. He saves old women & extinguish fires, but when he flies over Africa, he pretends he doesn't see us?
I went to the fancy dress shop the other day but they couldn't help me complete my wizard costume You just can't get the staff.
Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks
Confucius say when mosquito land on testicle, you learn to solve problem without violence
Why don't women like drinking beer at the beach? Because they'll get sand in their schlitz.
Who me? Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.
Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester." Richard III: "Over my dead body."
Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect
They say money doesn't grow on trees So what are hedgefunds then?
Me: Play dead My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*
Bum at the bus stop, lady walks up with dress up her crack, bum discretely pulls it out, lady slaps him, [hand gesture pushing it back into crack]
I remember 2016 As if it were a normal year.
"I don't want you to freak out, but..." - someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works
Your porn name is your first pet and the street you grew up on? So my porn name is Glenn Beck? Fuck that shit!
A child was born with no eyelids, so doctors created some using his foreskin It worked okay, but he was a little cockeyed
That awkward moment when Chris Brown sees a hot chick and says "I'd hit that."
THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED! Here Comes The Ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U
Being Poor A man complains to his wife saying, "We're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes!" And she says...
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I'd hate to play baseball with the witches from Macbeth Because they think that Fair is Foul and Foul is Fair.
Once a clock was very tired.. What does that clock say at 1 o'clock night? 1 AM feeling very sleepy.
I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months!! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.
Why did the Chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle? Me: that obvious? Salesman: nobody asks "how loud is the vroom?" they ask "what's the vroomage?"
*drinks small coffee after 8pm* *spends rest of life on internet*
Why do pigs have flat snouts? From running in to trees.
How do you break up with a farmer long-distance? A John Deere letter.
Bruce Willis found dead.... ....bored with acting
so true story, i just mindlessly outstretched my fingers to graze the rear end of a Macy's mannequin that turned out to be a real human man
I don't know what it is, but there is something strangely sexy about the way my grandad gets down doggystyle so I can wipe him. nevermind.
My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him until my other dad comfirmed it
How do they practice safe sex in Wyoming? They mark the sheep that kick.
A jaguar asked an colourful arsehole with a big nose to join him in hide and seek... Toucan play that game.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Coworker: What book you reading there? Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Her: Wasn't it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard...
Maybe being fat isn't bad, it just sounds awful because we say 'morbidly obese'. Let's switch it to 'cheerfully obese' and see what happens.
Apparently my friends came up with this joke about my penis but nobody will tell me it... They keep telling me it's too long
Your personality finally matches your looks. That's not a compliment.
What's the difference between a everyone and a bullet? Everyone misses Harambe.
On Canada Day, I like to say "HAPPY CANADA DAY!" to people. But quietly. And from a distance. I don't want to be a bother.
I spilled skittles down my pants. Do you want to taste the rainbow? #badpickuplines
Why did the trout leave the cult? They were too sacrifishal
I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world, I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.
Why do female drivers sit higher up in their seats than male drivers? Because they're sitting on a box.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Whats the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.
I like to nickname my penis Buzz Lightyear Because he likes to travel to the star and beyond
What did the confused bee say ? To bee or not to bee !
What's your favourite food if you hate Microsoft Word? TeX-MeX
Should I bring anything to your party besides pronounced social anxiety and no food
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they'll have a friend to play with Fact: They'll fight. Every hour. Every day.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that shit.
"I'M GOING BANANAS!!!" ...is what I tell my bananas when I leave the house.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don't want it to be awkward.
Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They're always raising the steaks!
What's the difference between John Kenndy Jr. and Ted Kennedy? Ted can swim away from an accident.
hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair
An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can't team up? Eagle: No, why? Eel: Because it would be EEL-Eagle!
what did lowes say when home depot kickcked him in the crotch ouch menards (my nards). lolz
Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage Me: for the last 7 years
A man starts a line of pickled venison ... ...the most popular flavor so far is dill doe.
How do you know someone is a Bernie Sanders supporter? Don't worry, he'll fucking tell you.
My wife was captured by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her.
Girls aren't friends with other girls. They are just future enemies.
A guy walks into a drs office with a carrot in his ear.. ..and a piece of broccoli up his nose. The Dr told him he isn't eating right.
Ever wondered why is being gay a sin? It's simple. We all know 69 as a sex position. Satan's own number is 666. Now think about gays, and 666 as a sex position.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days.
I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife. I'll put a patio on them later.
Did you hear about the brake pedal who had to leave his job? He had to stop when he got depressed
What do you call customers at Lidl? Lidl people.
Tell me I'm beautiful "You're beautiful" Tell me I'm a genius "You're a genius" Tell m- "Just give me the toilet paper, please"
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building can't jump.
"We don't serve time travellers here" said the bartender... "We don't serve time travellers here" said the bartender. A time traveller walks into a bar.
What does a bungie jumper and a condom wearer have in common? If the rubber snaps they're screwed. &lt;----- this is a classic xD
I've just started work as a human chess piece. The money's good, I'm on knights this week.
What do Hispanic midgets cut their pizza with? Little Caesar's
Crocs are suicide notes you can wear.
Wearing sunglasses inside is a great way to let people know that you should be hated unconditionally
So I was feeling really depressed due to the attack in Paris... I phoned the Islamic Samaritans. When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
Movie Names For Your Penis There Will Be Blood YOUR TURN
How my day went today 1. Woke up 2. Went to work 3. Saw hot girl 4. Kissed the girl Too bad it happened in the order 2,3,4,1.
I always get nervous before injections so I shut my eyes. I usually end up stabbing the chair.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I'm on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I'm famous
Learning how to say "where the hell am I?" in eight languages. Just in case.
I Used to do Drugs I still do, but I used to too
Did you know that Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A, wanted a CFA sandwich for his last meal? Unfortunately, he died on a Sunday.
Here's to the stork that brings good babies... "Here's to the stork that brings good babies, the crow that brings bad babies, and the swallow that brings no babies at all!"
Me and the other guys from the circus.... ... took a night off to see some stand-up comedy but he was really mean and cutting. He went straight for the juggler.
A racist joke What is the difference between a pizza and a black guy? A pizza can feed a family of four.
[Library] MAN: Do you have books on fire? LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section MAN: Come on boys! *Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I'm going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn't pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
When it comes to the topic of body dysmorphia and gender assumptions, i'm not a fan. Infact I identify more closely to an air conditioning unit.
what do you call a cat that copies off others' exam papers? a cheetah
Why do the bees have honey? Because they have a queen. If they had a parliament, they would have had nothing.
Titanic sank 103 years ago... ...making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on! Hi-YO!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
"I gave him the what for!" "What for?" "Because he deserved it, that's what for!"
Sometimes I'll just go "liking" some shit on the Internet and I honestly don't even know if I really mean it.
A rabbi a priest and a crocodile walk into a bar Chuck Norris mother fuckers.....whoooooooooooooo
Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.
Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward? His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.
*stares at phone* why cant i sleep *puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun* oh
It's like these people that have to shop at Goodwill don't even realize how lucky and trendy they are!
Dave's Adventure In A Cave (Limerick) There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!
A homeless lady agreed to let me take her home I don't understand why she got pissed when I loaded the cardboard box in my pickup truck.
We need to get into the fertilizer industry... I hear business is booming.
I'm not saying don't trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own.
What do you get when you combine 99 lesbians and a politician? 100 people that don't do dick
I like to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he's giving me the silent treatment. He's doing it wrong. I'm doing it right but can't tell him.
what do you call a hooker with a runny nose? full.
What is it called when sensitive medical information about a very fat patient is disclosed? A hippo violation
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they're absolutely right because smart men don't get married.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy.
There's been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you? Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.
Some people are complaining about the Trump Presidency... But it's oKKK with me!
So a duck walks into a bar... He waddles over to a seat and settles in. The bartender says "Hey there, what can I get for you?" And the duck says "I... I don't know. I've never made it this far."
"Hot damn!" - the Nazi's probably after their dams were destroyed. I don't know; I'm not a historian. It's just an educated guess.
Who is the king of the pencil case? The Ruler
Why was the lion-tamer fined ? He parked on a yellow lion !
"It's not a colonoscopy, it's a colonoscpportunity!" - gastroenterologist who is also a motivational speaker
Why was diarrhoea classified under hereditary diseases? It runs in the Jeans.
"I ruined my health by drinking to everyone Else's."
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
How do you think bus driver interviews go? Applicant: Sorry I'm late! Interviewer: You're hired!
Today somebody told me about a bear that climbs a mountain... ...But the story goes downhill from there.
I'm going to talk to my broker today about cashing in some of my stocks. And by that I mean, "taking all my change to the coinstar machine"
What do a guitar and a drum have in common? Neither of them are a clarinet!
Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection. I said "Rick, you can have Toy Story, Cars &amp; Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"
What do Jews love most about their mobile phones? They can charge them.
If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
I don't have a girlfriend.... I just know a few people who would get mad if I said that.
What will Kayne West's political leaning be if he runs for President? West wing
Did you hear what that guy said to the Reddit moderator the other day? **[Deleted]**
Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning? Because she has two faces.
I hope I get a watch for Christmas! Because there's no present like the time.
During WW2, oil shortages forced some countries to start using organic fuels. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme.
What's God's favorite guitar chord? G sus
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
How much does a Rabbi charge for circumcision? Nothing. He just keeps the tips.
What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog? Stupid.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..
Guys, I know Michael Jordan very well... .. He just doesn't know me.
I'll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we're dating.
My Home Internet Password 2kids1dog. Thats an orgy I don't want to be apart of.
I've decided to give karate a break for a little while... I guess you could say I am going on a HI-YA-tus.
I think my blind girlfriend just broke up with me She said she wanted to see other people.
Why did no one like the Archer Because he was too arrowgant!
Wife sneezed... ... and told me she was allergic to my hotness. My response: so do you break out in sex?
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife.
What do you call a psychic midget that escapes prison? A small medium at large.
My friend told me he is FINALLY going to watch the Back to the Future series. "It's about time," I told him.
Apparently, people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones... ...But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!
I'VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES "Don't you mean catlike-" BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Instead of complaining that it's hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.
Pro debating tip: Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I decided to play agar.io again... Now I hate my cellf
Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!? *5mins later* Me: I need a new room.
Let he has never told a bad joke Cast the first tomato
I'm lucky enough to be ambidextrous. It's just a shame I'm a lefty.
Looked up from my phone for a few minutes. Wasn't worth it.
(climbing out of my coffin) I'm sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is- [nobody is at my funeral]
The TV remote, the G-spot and black dads. Some things are just made not to be found.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
I met the inventor of the trampoline. He's an all round nice guy, but a bit jumpy.
Three friends partner to setup a law firm. They are Ivanna Firm, Harry Butt and Richard Ox.
What's the difference between a captain and a lt.col ? A major difference.
The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.
I identify as a sexual atheist With a strong belief that I will never get laid.
when i hear fat people say that they've made mistakes, i always think to myself, "yeaa...at the grocery store."
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I once shot a deer in my pajamas... How it got in my pajamas, I will never know.
Planning on starting a restaurant called 'Cobalt 60'. Food will obviously be something to die for.
Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil? It's pointless
A magic genie granted a man one wish. "I wish I had a dick that touched the floor" the man said. The genie then snapped his fingers and *poof* The man's legs disappeared.
Niggawatt Def: theoretical unit of work. The amount of work 1 black man can produce in 1 hour.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
Critics are calling my performance of Wife Pretending To Care About Her Husband's Work Story "emotionally charged" and "daring".
Just ONCE, I'd like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right...
The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I'm eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off... It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the f*ck up!
Gonna get a tattoo of two big trucks crashing into each other and then maybe there's like a scorpion on the side of the road doing push-ups.
Did you know that Princess Diana was on her cell phone when she died? She was also on the dashboard, the windscreen, the roadside...
Chemistry Joke (maybe) Bro catches his bro red handed... Bro mine :D
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained: "You can't park anywhere near this place!"
Pretty typical that a female Asian drove Reddit into a ditch, and now a white man has to dig it out.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral
Whenever I stub my toe I automatically blame and hate the next person I see.
What do you call ten German men standing abreast, walking backward? [OC] A receeding Herr line.
I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.
What smells better than it taste? A nose
If the police really wanted DUI checkpoints to be effective, they'd set them up inside Taco Bell drive-thrus.
In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man
Where did little Timmy go during the bombing? Everywhere
Nsfw. My wife and I had not had sex in a couple months but this morning she woke up randy... He is our neighbor and said her music was up too loud. We still havent had sex.
What's the definition of a Mistress? Oh, I don't know. Probably something between a Mister and a mattress.
It is said that the Welsh were the first to use condoms, by making them out of sheep intestines. But the English perfected this technique by removing them from the sheep first.
What's fun about having sex with twenty-one year olds? You know, there is twenty of them
How many dead baby's does it take to paint a wall? _
Gassy Joke What makes a Mexican gassy? Taco night. What makes a white person gassy? Chipotle. What makes a Jew gassy? Auschwitz
How do you know you're golfing with a politician? When they get a hole-in-one they write down *zero* on the scorecard.
Husband: are you cooking something? Me: of course not Husband: the oven timer just went off Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer
In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A  G and P  Z. The problem's H to O.
Fun fact, clown fish are edible. But be forewarned, they taste funny.
What do you call an ant in space ? Cosmonants & Astronants !
Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't fucking know. Chickens don't even know what roads are he probably thought it was a field.
What's the name of a computer that turned into a singer A dell.
Who is the drummer for the Mexican Beatles? Gringo Starr
Where do naughty rays of light go? Prism (Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)
What kind of jokes do bad comedians tell their audience? Bad jokes.
Spent most of my early twenties trying to open a pistachio.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: ...OORR
ME: *tells joke* WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school [later] ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
You know those little helmet stickers some football teams use to reward personal achievement? Bald guys should do that.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I'm really bad at understanding some common phrases and vice versa.
*bank* 'miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding' *twirls hair* oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too
I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.
9/11 jokes are just plane wrong. Write any other jokes about 9/11
Man has sex with dead corpse That's my fetish.
After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team.... ...decided not to abbreviate their name
What did the asian parents call their retarded son? Sum ting wong
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger? Someone who is too lazy to steal.
Why is Santa Claus always so happy? He knows where all the bad girls live
My girlfriend keeps telling all her friends I'm racist.. typical lying Mexican.
Judge: how do you plead? Me: [looks at lawyer] Lawyer: [mouths "not guilty"] Me: hot milky L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
If I were Stevie Wonder I would say "I'll believe it when I see it" in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Wow. Nobody's ever asked me that. Interviewer: Take a minute to th- Me: Arendelle.
This post just says it all! It all
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair. Rapunzel: Hair, you'll never be beautiful, you'll always have split ends. *hair is super let down*
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it's like that now?
There's this girl I know, and I'm like a god to her. Because I'm always watching her. And she's never seen me.
Me and my wife are into S&amp;M. She sleeps and I masturbate.
i'm working on a porn filtering app that would show only vanilla porn... but I can't work out the kinks
My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world He's so egotestical.
Brangelina is no more. And it's really sad to see that Brad Pitt is now just 'Br' while Angelina Jolie gets her whole forename back.
This Halloween, make your friends run in terror by walking into their parties as "guy with acoustic guitar".
How do you know if you're a necrophiliac? You get mourning wood.
What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
How many of my fellow Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one of course, as we are highly efficient and have absolutely no sense of humour.
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
I like my asshole just like my women's pussy Without some other guy's dick in it
Nephew: What's love? Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
I like homophobes Homophones, I mean homophones!
Where does a pirate go on vacation? Arrrrrland.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you're talking on it
So a polar bear walks into a bar... and says, "I'll have a gin.....and tonic" The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?" And the polar bear says, "Oh, I've always had them."
In the news today What do Aaron Hernandez and Edward Snowden have in common? They're both expatriots (expatriates).
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so... *hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
What did the blonde say when she saw a banana peel? aw shit imma fall again
I wish Twitter would add bold or italics or meaning to my life.
Did you know that all of the trigonometric functions are female? Yup, They all have periods!
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.
Tonight is bad for me. Could everyone arrange to Wang Chung maybe some time early tomorrow afternoon?
While escaping from the police, what did one bug say to the other? You butterfly!
What is Carroll Shelby's favorite food? A torque-y sandwich.
I like my Wifi like I like my sex... Unprotected.
Steve was walking down the street, when he came across a police officer and was promptly arrested for indecent exposure
My prison cell-mate just asked me if I was tight. Why does he care about how I spend my money?
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors? A reptile dysfunction
What Does A Tickle Me Elmo Get Before It Leaves The Factory? Two Test-Tickles
Man with 5 penises A man has 5 penises and when one of his friends found out, they asked him "How do your pants fit?" The man responded, "Like a glove".
There's a Bush and a Clinton running for president next year.
What's the difference between my dick and my jokes? My girlfriend never laughs at my jokes
SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.
Inside jokes are bitterly resented by the homeless.
I'm just saying, a cartoon character facebook pic isnt going to stop a child abuser! If you see one, call the cops, bam, done.
Why do adrenaline junkies enjoy camping? Because it is in tents
How do you know you've been making too many jokes? When the wordplay becomes wordwork.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No I really did!
So I heard Donald Trump is running for president again. You guys know that if he wins, we'll all be f****d, right? That's right. Fired. ;)
Usually chocolate makes me hyper but my dog ate a pack of Snickers and he's been asleep for hours. Haha wake up so we can play, little guy.
Lifeguards wouldn't let Obama in the pool because he had weeping *legions*
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
What's Gordon Ramsay's least favorite movie? IT'S FROOOOOOOZZZZEEEN
A man asks a woman: "-Did you know that laughter is second best way to convince a girl to have sex with you ? " "-Really, what is the first ?" "-A knife." "-Hahaha, you're so funny !" "-Good choice."
I met a hot chick That girl was on fire.
What's a police officers favorite console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U. Edit: Gee Wilikers Batman I've got 151 upvotes yayyyyyy. :D
What do you call a bird that has been molested? Rustled Crow
Have you ever eaten African food... Neither have they
Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Just kidding.
How do you get into a Native American restaurant? [OC] You make a reservation
What did one crab say to the other? "Damn this bitch is nasty!"
"Sorry I didn't reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off... Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!"
What is Peyton Manning's favorite Counting Crows song? Omaha
What doesn't kill you might come back to finish the job off so keep your wits about you.
An immigration officer asks a drunk man if he's Hungarian he says "yep, but my name's not Arian"
How are wearing Crocs like having butt sex with a guy? It feels really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
What date is it today? 2nd April. Ha!! April fool!
Why was the killer whale fired from his restaurant job? Because he didn't serve a porpoise...
there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting
You really are the cat's pajamas, and by that I mean you're a stupid idea.
What does it say on Jerry Meyer-Cooper's tomb stone? And who the fuck is that?
There was a depressed sausage... he thought his life was THE WURST.
Kristen Stewart was raised by a pair of vacuum cleaners
What did one saggy boob say to the other  saggy boob? If we don't get some support soon people are going to think we're nuts.
Q:Of the set; 689 and 986, which is larger? A) 689 B)986 C) Who cares, as long as they are having a good time!
Two cows are in a pasture. The first cow says, "Moo." The second cow says, "Damn, man... I was just about to say that!"
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
The new strip club's sign said 'open to the public'. Until my friends stole the L.
Don't be ashamed of who you are That's your parents' job
So I'm in a hotel and call the front desk saying, "Hey! I gotta leak in the sink!" The clerk says, "Go ahead, the customer's always right..." (Henny Youngman)
*I throw u a kiss* *u duck* *it flies into space* [6 bn yrs later - the planet Xargx] LORD ZARG: Kill the- *kiss hits his cheek* LZ: Aww nvm
Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City?  To see who shot his "paw."
Walk in closets Walk-In Closet Why do chinesse make such terrible Estate agents? Because non of the customers are ever comfortable with the idea of buying a house with a Hawk in the closet.
I don't think it's called USA anymore, but DSA... The Divided States of America.
Pigeons always look like they're jamming out to an invisible iPod.
What happens when you fingerbang a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red.
Sometimes I get jealous of the lingo black people use that I can't use. Then I remember as a white person I have things I can say that they can't like. "Hey dad." Or "Thanks for the warning officer"
It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they've been since last summer.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. Unfortunately, the beer doesn't understand English commands. But the bartender can speak easy.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
What's a homophobe's favorite drink? fruit punch
Freddie Gray's death was a real Homie-cide
What kind of house does Fonzie live in? An "A" frame...
I went through a Skrillex phase I had to stop though. It got expensive dropping everything all the time!
Did you hear about the car with wooden wheels, a wooden engine, and wooden doors? It wooden start
I'd be able to find affordable glasses... In an eye deal world.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
What do you call a nice Canadian meal on a colorful roof? Poutina.
What do you get when you cross a female tyrannosaur with a male tyrannosaur? Tyrannosaurus Sex! *I apologize deeply, I'm so...so sorry*
Is my iPhone named Freedom? Yes Do I never pick up phone calls on it? Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee Without other people's dicks in it.
Think smoking's "COOL"? What if I do it in a leather jacket? "COOL" now? On a Harley? Still "COOL"? While I kiss this model? Is that "COOL"?
My friend tried playing Pokemon Go in Vegas, but sadly lost his phone. All he caught was herpes.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7 year old daughter... "Don't spit! Ladies never spit!" Fcuking. Priceless.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems *i pick up my phone* HER: your behavior is untenable "hold on I'm still googling exacerbate"
What goes; green-red-green-red-green-red-green-red? A frog in my blender
Why are hula dancers so pretentious? Because their hips stir.
It'll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
"Charlie, I want a divorce." [in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
What do feminists and zookeepers have in common? Nothing. Feminists have nothing in common with anyone.
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman A good example: "I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!"
A comedian walks into a bar full of r/historians.. [deleted]
There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling "I HAVE THE POWEEER!" like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.
What is E.T. short for? He's only got little legs.
Italian Guy with a problem What do you call an Italian guy with one arm shorter than the other?  A Speech Impediment :)
I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees* "Excited for the weekend? I know I'll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!"
A foot fetishist had a bad experience in bed He got off on the wrong foot
When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking "they're just keeping me to themselves"
Where did the fortune-teller go on her  vacation? To Palm Beach.
A termite walks into a bar... ... and says, "Hey, is the bar tender here?"
I saw a black guy riding a bike... At first I thought it was mine, then I realized mine is at home, washing the dishes.
Lawyers have feelings too.. ...allegedly.
If you message me with thanks, please include what you're thanking me for. I've been counting my money and sniffing my fingers all morning.
It's a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That's a bill I gave to Jesus
I have a hardcore yeast affection. I love breads and doughs.
You don't have to speak bird to know that when they chirp right outside your window they're asking for you to kill them.
You mama's so fat
How long after the first date should I wait before asking to get my bra & panties back?
What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy
Turns out chiropractors aren't actually dinosaurs.
So anyone know how much a Polar Bear weighs? About enough to break the ice...........
In many U.S. States offenders receive a harsher penalty for hitting a dog than they do for hitting a woman. That's outrageous either way you're slapping a bitch
What do you call a seven course Irish meal? A 6-pack and a potato.
What's green with a brown tip? The cucumbers in Elton John's fridge.
"I better pee first." - me, before doing anything
So I heard you're having sex with fruit. What are you, fucking bananas?
ME: Excuse me...Where's the rowing boat equipment? EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: Or you'll what?
Who will pay ? If two gays are on a Date for the dinner,Who will pay the bill ?
Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
I'm like a single electron... Sometimes, when no one is watching, I interfere with myself.
How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection... "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
How to give your woman 12 inches and make her bleed. Bang her twice and punch her in the mouth.
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day ? Turns over a new leaf !
* Knock knock. - Who is there? * It's the police. We have received complaints about the noise.
I was told if I got robbed when I was camping, it would invalidate my insurance... They said if my tent gets stolen, I'll no longer be covered.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it? a dead cat
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaay
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? EVERYWHERE
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail... I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back  way too expensive and really bad quality.
I just saw the movie 50 Shades of gray You could say it had a huge climax.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
This one is about a horse a horse steps in a puddle of mud
You stop bad music with a tuning fork. How do you stop bad singing? A pitchfork
What happens when you call a Trump supporter xenophobic? They do a quick google search and then agree with you.
Did you know Hitler's father was a cobbler? He made Jews.
[March 15] Brutus: Going 2 the senate? Caesar: yeah u? Brutus: yep it'll be killer Caesar: how so? Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
So I beat a Russian Grand Master once. With his own cane.
What did the Buddhist monk say when he approached the hotdog stand? Make me one with everything.
So my neighbor asked me to fix her sink She's obviously never seen a porno because it's been an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink
I met a girl last night at a bar... She said she wanted the night to be magical... So i fucked her and disappeared.
UK /r/jokesters, tell me the most British joke you can think of. The less my American brain can comprehend it, the better!
Setting up a Moses business would be simple except for one setback... Staff problems.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I'm catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea... "Butt wait, there's more!"
Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle? A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
A frog can leap higher than a house ..partly because of the strength of its hind legs, but also because houses have difficulty jumping at all.
I kept pouring water on my Iphone.. because Siri won't tell me where the terrorists are.
What thinks the unthinkable? An ithe-berg
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.
Cooking with Hitler Step 1. Turn on the gas
[wife frustrated] "at least I didn't hook up the toilet wrong and tell everyone it's a bidet"
Just in time for Christmas. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Teaching people that it is okay to make people outcasts for being different until that difference benefits someone since 1939.
How to Get There by Ridya Bike
I was up late last night, trying to figure out why the sun disappeared Then it dawned on me....
"We're still looking for a side project" Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses "We've been over this, it's not what you think it is"
It would be funny if we discover there are inhabitants on the comet... they would be comedians.
A father asked his son how baking school was going "I knead some dough."
A skinny guy with a 6-pack is like a fat chick with t*ts. It doesn't count
Sandwich walk into a bar/ The bartender said, sorry, we don't serve food.
Why did the polar bear join the terrorist group. Because that is where the ISIS.
Confucius say... ...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.
I had a difficult childhood... I was brought up by a couple of alcoholics. I called them my Foster's parents.
Why did the "M&M;" go to university? He wanted to become a "Smartie"
At what age do kids stop remembering how often their parents are late picking them up from school because of online poker?
Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit? All the pairs of floating eyes
Why did the robot cross the road? Because it was carbon bonded to the chicken.
A nun goes to the greengrocer, asking for a cucumber. "Get 2" he says. "So you have one to eat"
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast] Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I dumped my boyfriend with a lazy eye. Turns out he was seeing chicks on the side.
I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.
What is a teenage girl's best friend? Passive-Aggression
Chemist have an unpopular view on alcohol... They say it's a solution.
Why do NBA players like poultry? Because they love to slam duck!
I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums. He was a professional tuna.
Jokes in English Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour ? A jet propelled elephant !
I just think there are a lot more animals out there we could be eating.
President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, "After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office." And the president said, "I know. I listened in."
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common? Just a little
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.
Which color confuses an idiot? Blue
A Guy Walks Into A Bar........ Wait For It........ "Ouch"
You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds like "oranges" Weird huh?
Why can't you tell Walter White a knock knock joke? Because HE is the one who knocks.
ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
A waiter walks up to a table of older Jewish folks... A waiter walks up to a table of older Jewish folks while they are eating and asks: "Is ANYTHING alright?"
How do you call a black man flying a plane ? A pilot.
If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets.
How did the shrimp eat all the fish food? shellfishly
I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.
My best friend won't talk to me. It's because he is a dog.
My parents are in a fight My dad wanted to go see a lighthearted psychic. My mother wanted to buy some cheerful watercolors. I hope they find a happy medium
Why are Russians such bad pilots? Because they're always Stalin. Thank you, good night.
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge? A snapshot.
*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I'm trying to kill mosquitoes*
When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called Defendant.
My friend said he was a harp.. But he was obviously a lyre.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I would tell you, but it tends to go over people's heads
What do you call someone who finishes a sentence with you? Partner in crime.
I lost my virginity. Can't remember a thing, my pussy hurts and there is a used condom on the floor. Last thing I remember was seeing Bill Cosby in the bar.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
A man with pica walks into a bar... ...and orders a drink on rocks. Hahahaha! Smart people jokes are the best!
I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just compliment it and then get pissed when it doesn't screw.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
What do you called a piano someone pissed in? A peeano.
4: Where did I come from? Me: Mommy's belly. 4: How'd I get there? Me: I, uh...put you there? 4: How did you... Me: WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!
Life hack : Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand. Well a pre-op Transsexual.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that's why I get the good food.
What did one window say to the other window? I'm in pane
*jumps out of plane* *begins reading parachute instruction manual* STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE *looks up* Well hell
A friend of mine is so politically correct.... At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.
A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it's still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Where does sans live? Sans francisco
I found a way to make my dick 9 inches long I fold it in half
Feel like Woods household right now is a bunch of people brainstorming, "what is any other plausible reason for this accident?"
It's HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It's the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.
What's the best insult you can tell someone?
The Bible is a fascinating book It's fascinating how a book with so much sex and violence can be so boring
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? "lol im OWNING all these bees" i say as i put my face in the beehive
What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass? A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
My wife is kind to strangers, she stopped an old lady from buying evaporated milk... ..., and told her it was just an empty can.
Q. What is good for your soul but not your soles? A. Linedancing!
I feel sorry for Eazy-E He went from Straight outta Compton to Straight outta condoms before getting aids. I'm sorry.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that's only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I always wanted to be self-confident. Well, look at me now. Actually, don't.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? If she has to chew before she swallows.
The problem with traveling into the future is that it's hard to determine the date because newspapers no longer exist.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille.... .....I just love smell of campfires.
a friend took Exlax and viagra at the same time... .. he didnt know if he was coming or going.
So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah's Evidence.
Sex is not the answer... Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer
did you know you can tell how much a girl likes you by the position of their feet Chances are if her feet are next to her ears she really likes you.
Q. How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Nobody knows, there's no light.
Mrs. Smith: Help me doctor! My  son John swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
What do you call it when a person falls ill from watching too many BBC period dramas? Downton Syndrome
We are all part of the ultimate statistic  ten out of ten die.
So my neighbor knocks on my door. So my neighbor knocks on my door at 2:30am last night. 2:30AM!!! Can you believe it?!!? Lucky for him, I was up playing my drums.
me: hello darkness my old friend darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name
Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said "Can you hear me now?" the NSA was quietly answering "Yes we can."
What does a suicide bomber say when he's teaching class? Pay attention! I'm only going to show this once.
First day on the job as a drug dealer... Dealer: I don't have coke... is Pepsi okay? *gets stabbed*
What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"? "I was robbed" Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn't help myself.
I am a hiring manager. Before I take a look at all the resumes, I throw the entire top half away. If you're going to be working for me, you also have to be lucky.
"I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion." -person who invented hand dryers
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife  meat eggs blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife your eggs or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
I just saw a guy with such a big dick he could fuck himself... And all I could think was how he was so full of himself.
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? None if nobody's looking.
If you want to say something "rude" for the person you hate the most: 'It wouldn't be worth it to buy your voodoo doll, because i would anyways throw it in a fire right away. it's money wasting!
The Dalai Lama went into a pizza shop.. And asked them to make him one with everything.
Did you hear about the guy who died after eating chicken? The meat was fowl.
What do you call a lost crayon? a Strayola
I love puppies and kittens and little cute hamsters But not all together. I don't like my food touching.
Ed Hardy makes a wine. Just tasted some. With full-bodied undertones of asshat, its repugnant mouthfeel would pair well with a cheeseball.
I'm circumcised but I'm looking to change that. Anyone have any tips?
"I'm going to slide in and go back and forth until you're satisfied" -Floss
Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Twitter first thing in the morning.
What do you call a cheap cicumsicion? A rip off
What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots
NSFW Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit... One fly farts. The other fly says, "Do you mind? I'm eating."
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I asked my dad what the deadliest weapon known to man is. He said 'you came out of it'.
What should have tipped off the airline ticket sellers on 9/11? When the terrorists asked for anything cheaper than one-way.
What happens when the Pope dies? ....another one popes up.
How many women does it take to play tennis? You can't play tennis in the kitchen
Why did the blind woman fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
How do dogs own cats? bitches have pussies
My friend firmly believes that he's a solute I think he's diluted
What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas? When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother
How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia'd.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
So sorry... Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say... Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
My mommy used to warn me that there could be creepy people on the internet. But I'm not afraid anymore... Now that I'm on reddit I'm one of those people.
If you've never heard a 9 minute version of "Girl From Ipanema", then you weren't just inside my head while my co-worker was talking to me.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said "nice lumberjack costume."
What's another word for a face tattoo? An everlasting jobstopper.
I've heard rumors that desperate prostitutes use Crest Toothpaste to reduce cavities.
Warning: Joke contains racism Racism
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy He's pretty ham-fisted
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fuckin' dick!
Half-Life 3's release date.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We're a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command.
I like my coffee like I like my women In two enormous cups
Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!
What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit? He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.
I'm glad my parents told me I'm adopted But I don't know why they tell me everday.
What does a blonde have if her brain is the size of a pea. Encephalitis, and possibly a medical miracle.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking We almost began our descent but my copilot said "turn down for what" so looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
What's better than a Kike on a Pike? Two Kikes on a Pike!
I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray." "You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*Brings pen to sword fight* Guy with sword : What's that? Me : Tis mightier! *Gets beheaded*
I watched craps at the casino for over an hour tonight until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I don't mind getting the stink-eye when I say, "Happy Whatever Holiday You're Weirdly Touchy About," because THAT is the spirit of Whatever.
A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
A recently fired stock trader said: "This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!" 
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies
How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house? A right a right a right
"I will love you forever or until I cum"  MEN
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? There's whiteout on the screen.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Darn it A man was walking around his backyard in his stocking feet and stubbed his toe on a rock. His sock exclaimed "I'll be darned!"
I don't need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.
I feel really sad for children with cancer and people who still use BlackBerrys.
"I'll have to report you sir" said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. "You were doing 85 miles an hour." "Nonsense officer" declared the driver. "I've only been in the car for ten minutes."
There are three people in this world... Those who can count, and those you can not.
Cookies Two cookies are in an oven. The first cookie says "is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second cookie says "holy shit! A talking cookie"
Strange new trend at the office People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Some kid just threw a bottle of milk at me HOW DAIRY! His behaviour was udderly disgusting. It just skimmed my head.
it's a status....not your diary...
Caitlin Jenner isn't transgender. She's trans-Jenner.
They say: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.
American Public Schools.
A vegan, cross fitters, and yoga person sit down for dinner And nobody says a word.
My ex posted a pic captioned, "Just me" and I commented, "Yes just you and your 7 personalities"
How do heavy metal bands surf the web? On the Din-ternet.
What does the ninja call his penis? meningococcal
Which knight of the round table had Diabetes? Sir Lance-a-lot
What did Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and Nelson Mandela all have in common? They're all criminals.
Non-native English speakers, try to literally translate jokes from your own language We might get some weird/funny stuff
To moma Yo moma so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side
I'd make a political joke... But it's too soon, the DNC tried to force one on all of us and we saw how that went.
How Much Did the Pirate Charge For Corn? A buck an ear
Get in on Syrian real estate now! The markets are exploding!
Michael J. Fox was in a car crash... ...a bystander ran up to check if he was ok. "Yeah..." Michael said "I'm just a little shaken up"
Playing the prequel to Angry Birds where the pigs fuck all the birds' wives.
Why can't two Asians have a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white
Why is Islam called the religion of peace? After you leave the religion, you rest in peace.
I once dated a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she cooked my sock.
As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!" I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What times does the chinaman go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Crocodiles; these prehistoric beasts can grow up to 20 feet! Although most just grow 4.
Did you take a shower today? Why, is one missing?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
At my last physical, my doctor told me I had to stop masturbating, and I asked why. He said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!
In 2011 it is more normal to have 0 or 2 dads than 1 dad
What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"? Friends
Butt sex is a lot like spinach If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
Did you hear about the stationary store? It moved.
My friends think I have a black sense of humour I don't know what they're talking about... In my view it's golden.
Curiosity killed the cat... NASA sincerely apologizes...
Why did Hitler kill himself? He finally got the gas bill.
3 blondes walk in to a bar you'd think one of them would have seen it
I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day. Me: How many more until you get a personality?
I get so fustrated when people say "supposably" or "irregardless" I feel like I'm literally drownding
How did 1940's German Men pick up Jewish Girls With a broom and a dustpan
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
you're lucky I can teach you how to shave my dad wasnt around to teach me. now watch *presses razor against face and moves head up and down*
Funniest joke 2015 I can't(won't) steal it so here is the original link http://i.imgur.com/asy1AU4.png
If 7 out of 10 sports fans have below average intelligence, what percentage of sports fans is that? 110%. [Aaaaaand we prove once again that morons are humorless. Really should know that by now.]
Knock Knock Who's there ! Adelia ! Adelia who ? Adelia the cards after you cut the pack !
I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series. It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.
What made Tesla successful ? Its musk
Girl: What colour are my eyes? Guy: 34C.
If you don't like oral sex You should keep your mouth shut
Congratulations Amy Winehouse On three years of sobriety!
What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
Most suitable joke for reddit [deleted]
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
What do you call twin kittens? Dupli-cats
I don't think I'm a father but I better celebrate just incase I am...
Why did the student take Viagra while preparing for his exam? His professor said he should study hard.
What do you call a Targaryen girl who can outrun her brothers? A virgin.
Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.
Have you heard the one about the butter? Nah, you'll just spread it around.
isn't it funny that Hillary And her entire campaign is talking shit about trump being a liar when she is still in denial about the email scandal.
Joke of the Day [Saw this on Monsters Inc when watching it today](http://i.imgur.com/32l1PsS.jpg)
How does the moon get a haircut? Eclipse it
What's a thesaurus's favorite cereal? Synonym Toast Crunch
They still won't let me on Shark Tank with my feminine hygiene products with Yo Momma jokes printed on 'em. That shit's racist.
That time of year again. Time to impregnate some chick at the office Christmas party and use my bonus to pay for the abortion. Pff holidays.
Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait? Obviously not. gg y'all, inbox = rekt
What happens when i find a good joke? I reddit.
There is too much freedom in this country, we need more expensive smart.
I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn't get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren't dangerous. And I knew how to surf.
Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time ? Son: Easy. I have two ears!
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i'm moving in.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please? Waitress: The "ch" is pronounced like a "k" Me: Okay Bick.
This isn't a competition! -People who are losing
I'll be honest, the only time I'd ever want to be 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' would be if I was chasing them With an axe.
What do you call an old person from Portugal? A portugeeser
My brother and I ran out of protein powder. I turned to him and said, "no whey....." (true story)
If mankind has learned one thing from human history, I'd be stunned.
What am I? What has six tits and three teeth? The night shift at the Waffle House.
I am a very kind and honest person. if I see an old lady trying to cross a street... ...I will tell her she is old.
I was going to buy tickets to see Michael McDonald in concert... ...but I keep forgetting
50 Cent Or as he's known in Zimbabwe, 400,000,000 dollars.
What do you call a team of Christian mutant superheroes? The A-Men
There is no "I" in "team." But there's an "I" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team" so....there
The two hardest things in programming? Naming things, caching things and off-by-one errors!
What is a Polish person's favorite weapon? A Warsaw...
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Once you've seen one shopping centre... ...you've seen a mall
I've just wrecked myself. I wish I'd checked myself beforehand.
Why did the number 6 cry? Because 7 8 9. (7 ate 9)
Do you know how to cook toilet paper? Me either, but I know how to brown it on one side.
Algorithm A former vice president playing the drums
GF: What's my biggest flaw? ME: You haven't got any, you're perfect, I love you GF: No come on, I mean pacifically ME: We should split up
What does Batman use to wash his hair? Conditioner Gordon.
I have a joke about Ebola You probably won't get it
Did you hear about the Asian guy who was so terrible that nobody mourned his death? He was unbereaveable.
Jesus sits at his last supper *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna have to stop you right there
School Joke Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?" Johnny: "Nothing, sir." Principal: "Exactly!"
Don't invest in skiing companies The whole sport is going down hill fast
I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.
Your momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.
Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers? To stop it from falling out.
A horse walks into the bar... The bartender asks: "why the long penis"?
I went to www.match.com Better luck on www.ancestry.com
That'll do, fellas. I think we're good on breathy singer-songwriters who sound like they're creepily whispering rapey stuff in our ears.
What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA? Thrown out of the petting zoo
Me and my girlfriend... Me and my girlfriend watched 6 DVDs back to back last night, fortunately I was the one facing the TV!
Why did they fire Victoria? Was she keeping secrets? What is Victoria's Secret?
What are the inhabitants of Crete called? Cretins!
A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.
Thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. It changed my life.
Why was Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight.
I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourettes Society. It's the thought that cunts!
I love you all so much right now because alcohol.
friend of mine collapsed while he was putting the washing out the other day and had to be rushed to hospital. He almost pegged it.
What did the dinosaur say after the car crash? I'msosaurus
What is the best way to pass the time on Tatooine? Watch the Dagobah
[OC] Alright, here's my new year's resolution... Stop being late
Have you ever had an Ethiopian breakfast? Neither have they.
In honor of the Olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team..... Whose in?
What is an amputees favorite movie? Armageddon.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? 1..... Because they are very efficient, but not very funny. Courtesy of my brother /u/twinhawk
I don't volunteer my time to worthy causes but I do always whisper "you're doing great" when a waiter is describing the specials to me
KILLER PJ for Indians! James Bond was travelling in an Autorickshaw Driver - Rs.7.50 hue Sahab .. Bond - Yeh lo 5 rupaye .. Driver - Lekin baki ke 2.50 ?! Bond - " DHAI ANOTHER DAY " :D :D
My buddy is awesome at grilling steaks. They are all very well done
Is there a way to make a hamburger do the Hula? Sure order a burger and a shake!
I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday. Then, I easily had the biggest vowel movement ever.
What do you call a piano composer that smokes? Tarcoughski
My girlfriend told me to stop listening to Oasis I said maybe..
What is Lil Jon's favorite flavor of BBQ? Mesquite squite squite. ...Forgive me I'm freshly smoked.
What time does a mechanic wake up? Oily!
Ripping a blaring fart every now and then lets your masseuse know who's in charge.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift. Edit: Someone didn't like the word guys in it
the printer in my office is fondly called Bob Marley it keeps jamming
I learned from 'The Exorcist' That when it comes to souls, possession is 9/10 of the law. Changed slightly from a comment made by /u/boobiesucker
Francois Hollande.
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live... I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years.
How do you test a pirate for crabs? Swab the deck!
What's the difference between princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Looking for someone to shovel my snow while dressed as a stormtrooper. No weirdos.
What's Pharma Bro's favorite musical? Rent.
I went to France yesterday to see a soccer match... I had a blast!
Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.
What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both glide around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!
What's the difference between a leper and a tree? A tree has limbs.
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.
Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, "Who's Gotye?" while their kids were like, "What's a record?
What's worse than seeing a worm in an apple u just bit into? Holocaust
What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? Is *anything* okay?!
Why did everyone think that the proctologist was a great fighter? Because he was really good at talking shit....
Wow, this article looks awesome.*clicks link**finds out it's a slideshow**throws computer out the window*
WHY IS ASS RED BECASUE MY DAD WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR AND FUCKED MY ASS TILL IT WAS RED YOU FUCKING RETARDS
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think "I wish I could be a shark".
What's the difference between firewood and a jew? The firewood ain't been turned into ash yet.
Why did the blind kid fail geometry? He didnt see the point.
The difference between polygamy and monogamy. Polygamy is having too many wives, but monogamy is having one wife too many.
Growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now that I'm old, I've realised I should have been more specific.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my dick into your girls ass.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I like my men like I like my coffee-- silent.
This winter, ice crystals will stick together and fall from the sky Snow joke
Whenever I see a bear on a motorbike I'm like, "Good for you. You've not let the fact you can't be tattooed stop you from getting a bike."
How can you tell that God is a man, and not a woman? If God were a woman, she would have made semen taste like chocolate!
Irish Pooing Competition So I entered an Irish pooing competition the other day. I came Turd.
A Jewish kid asks his dad for 50 bucks. His dad says, "40 dollars? What do you want 30 dollars for?"
A priest checks into a hotel... says to the clerk, "I assume the porn is disabled." Clerk says, "No! It's just regular porn you sick freak!"
What's the worst part of getting hit in the face with pie? It's never ending.
Before the Wright brothers made the first airplane, Chuck Norris had already invented the rocket and flown to Pluto, where he lived for 20 years.........naked
*at an AA meeting* "Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol." *gets aggressively escorted out*
How does a chef get to work? He woks.
It's not herpes I burned my lip on a hot sausage.
What do you mean dinosaurs didn't have titties?! *throws my camera on the ground and causes a scene as I leave the museum *
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
What is it that is yours , but others use it more than you ? Your name
What do you call a gay man's paradise? A fruitopia.
History is his-story, rambled the tumblrina... where are the records of the deeds of women? that is a miss-story
I'm sick of this condescending parrot making fun of the way I talk.
I'm quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven't lost a pound and I'm getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.
Who served as the 45th Vice President of the United States? [Warning: Gore]
What do ISIS want for Christmas? Turkey, apparently.
It's a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Can't believe Sting isn't the lead singer of the Scorpions
Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end? Doctors say his condition is stable.
Which language does a drunk Scotsman speak? [x-post /r/puns] Scotch.
My Girlfriend thought we should get Friends With Benefits. I dumped her, I can't stand Justin Timberlake.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Why did Microsoft skip straight to 10? Because Windows 7, 8, 9. I'll see myself out.
I like my women the way... I like my wine...12 years old and in the cellar.
Whats the problem with tainted money? It taint yours and it taint mine :D (Puns for the win? :D)
Whenever i am lonely or depressed my piano makes me feel better... Its an appreciating asset.
Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs! She made me do it all.
The new Battlefield 1 looks so damn good, you could say... They just knocked Call of Duty into space.
What do you call an underage gang bang? Bohymen Rapecity
Butter must be southern Because it's usually inbred
Why is the peanut crying? Because he couldn't handle his roast
funny how people who earn philosophy degrees probably at some point ask themselves "why did i do this"
Keep away from professional dermatologists.. They make rash decisions
Alcohol &amp; Fanta If I Drink Alcohol , I m Alcoholic... If I Drink Fanta, M I Fantastic...?
Arron Hernandez found guilty of first-degree murder He has been sentenced to life in prison without parole. I'm not quite sure how much longer he is going to remain a "tight end"
Q: Did you know that the three wise men were firemen? A: It says they came from afir (a fire a far).
You are going to lose your license to be a doctor Doctor 1: You are going to lose your Doctoring License Doctor 2: Everyone has slept with their patients one time or another Doctor 1: You're a vet
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I'm never more irritated by fashion than when I'm trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.
I'm one of those people who thinks different races shouldn't mix Which is why I don't participate in triathlons
What would Bill Cosby's name be if he was Russian? Vladimir Puddin'
A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel sticking out his crotch. 'Does that not hurt?' asks the bartender. To which the pirate replies: 'Yaarr, it's driving me nuts!'
Why should you buy Adrian Peterson sun screen? Because it is very strong at beating the son.
interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role? me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group
Hugh Hefner and Larry King used to room together when they helped build the pyramids.
You momma so stupid.. She got fired from the m&amp;m factory for throwing away all the W's
The relationship stages;-         :*         :'(
It would just be mean to make a joke about the woman with lumber breast implants..... Wooden Tit
A Funny Joke My Life...
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure* GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the entire country of Australia for 44 minutes.
The founder of the Hokie Pokie died the other day His funeral was a fiasco. First they tried to put his right foot in...
Why wouldn't the bird let her chicks go near the pig pen? She didn't want the pigs eating shredded tweet.
"We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
Why did the dolphin feel crabby?  Because he ate too many crabs!
When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Smart Students :D :P Question asked by a Student.! If a single Teacher cant Teach us all subjects, then.. how could you expect a single student to Learn All subjects.??
Why sugars are very unhappy these days? It is sweet but still is not getting added do any thing!
A blind person walks in to a bar.
What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains? Patty O'Furniture.
You know how you keep an asshole in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!
Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet? They were Putin up with him.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we'd give the wrong answer. "What's hotter, green or red peppers?" Green "Nope. Green."
PS3 messin around I need a picture of a 16 year old girl that is believable, not suspicious. Please don't ask why, I'm just a bit messed up in the brain
Make the little things count... teach midgets arithmetic.
How do you fit 4 gay guys on one chair? Turn it upside down
WARNING! If you get an e-mail with the title of "Nude Photo of Newt Gingrich" DO NOT OPEN IT! It IS a nude photo of Newt Gingrich.
What do you call a bugle inside of a bubble? A buble!
What animal is endangered by tooth decay? Molar bears!
What would you call a very funny mountain? Hill Arious!
I used to piss myself when I stood in front of my 3rd grade class. It costed me my teaching career...
Last year I was quite miserable and depressed, so I made it my new year's resolution to turn that around. Thanks 2016, you helped me achieve my goal and made me depressed and miserable.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Coworker: Are you seeing anyone? Me: Unfortunately. CW: Then why are you dating her? Me: No, I meant you're standing in front of me.
I invented a new joke today! Plagiarism!
How can you tell when an Italian car has a flat tire? Dago wop wop wop
Time to get a haircut. Unless somebody knows an easier way to get a dude's dick on your arm.
What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy? A hundred dollar bill.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: Besides that.
Atilla the Hun, Adolf Hitler and a lawyer are stranded with you on a island ... - and you have a gun with only 2 bullets, who do you shoot? -- The lawyer twice.
Friends don't force friends to watch 'funny' YouTube videos.
A boy goes to the drug store to buy some condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks him 'No', the boy says, 'she isn't *that* ugly'
Why does Santa always have a big sack? He only comes once a year.
A man goes to a house of ill repute on his hundredth birthday He tells the madam, "I'd like a woman." "Forget it old man, you've had it." "How much do I owe you?"
I just broke up with my blind girlfriend. We just didn't see eye to eye anymore.
Did you hear about the new Christian online video game? It's pretty good, but it's pray2win.
Some people complain about it, but I don't really mind going into work every morning... It's the 8 hour wait to go home again that pisses me off.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ''FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS'' Don't open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.
What do multiculturalism and the movie Jaws have in common? They both made Americans despise great whites!
*runs in place* *cracks knuckles* *stretches neck* *takes a deep breath* *heads toward buffet*
My garbage disposal can't even handle this banana and now I'm wondering if I actually have a garbage disposal.
The more we ban gluten, the black market demand for it skyrockets and the Mexican gluten cartels make a killing.
What is the Terminators Muslim name? Al Bi Baq
How can I ever be happy... If I was born crying?
Costume Ideas For Halloween, you should dress up as Pavlov. Not everyone will get it, but it should ring a bell.
Policeman: Why didn't you stop at that red light? Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.
*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it's me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like 'drive me to the airport'
I've never been one for Nazi jokes... I've been nein for them.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? The pilot.
A vegan, an atheist, and a Crossfitter walk into a bar.... The only reason I knew is that they wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.
What do you call a tractor trailer that can't keep up with the others? (Self) Semi retarded.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don't have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
If some last names were an ancestor's profession (Baker, Cobbler) How do you explain Dickinson?
Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
So I went to a stable for a self confidence boost I found myself surrounded by a bunch of neigh-sayers.
If there's a sock on my doorknob... It means I'm having sex with the other one.
Putin is really messing with Obama over this Ukraine thing. The last time a Russian beat a black guy this bad Apollo Creed died.
Thank god this election is over. .....I almost forgot what real commercials were like.
The 'M' in 'MTV now stands for 'MISCELLANEOUS'.
I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
So I guess these Brazillian jokes aren't happening Neymar?
If I exit the bathroom stall singing "Break On Through (To The Other Side)", it's best to avoid shaking my hand.
What do vegetarian zombies want? Graaaaiiiiinss!
Body: I'm sooooooo tired Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Pinot? I hardly noir.
How does a penman make his living? He charges a calligra-fee of course!
What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.
Before and After marriage! What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.
Be a firefighter they said, Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said, Youre misinformed they said, We're calling the police they said
What did the prostitute catch when she went out with 5 fishermen? ... A big red snapper
What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family.
A cucumber made a dill with the devil. He's in quite a pickle now.
How many Will Ferrell's does it take to change a light bulb? One, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!
I just pretended to be on my phone in the elevator and then my phone rang. I'm going to close up shop emotionally for the day
Why did the bear eat his mate? He called her 'honey', then got hungry.
"my son, can I ask why you're carrying two HUGE crucifixes?" Well father, I've been... Double-crossed *God starts breakdancing*
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
Never drink and derive You'll integrate something you don't need.
I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold... But now I know it actually means "getting back at somebody".
Until I had kids I didn't realize that "bouncing off the walls" was actually a literal statement.
[OC] What do you call a suicidal mathematician smoking weed? Hypotenuse
So a seal walks into a club. The end.
Did you hear that HIV isn't spread by a virus? Yeah, it's spread by a fun guy
What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles? Electricity.
What are the pigs warned to look out for in New  York? Pigpockets.
My dad said "Always leave them wanting more." That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.
I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...
What do snotty vegetables do when they see something they don't like ? They 'turnip' their noses.
My 6yo daughter's teacher just gave me a "Most Improved Ponytail" award.
How many gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the two, really. Or as many as will fit, if theyre feeling frisky.
TIFU by getting meatball marinara instead of steak and cheese... Oops, wrong sub
Why are hamburgers essential to football? Because the game is played on a griddle-iron!
Breaking News:Will.i.am has eye removed. Now he's just Will Am (I'm sorry it only works in speech form)
my book club evolved into a fight club so gradually I almost didn't notice
You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.
Today I have learnt - if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
It must be pretty bad being the wife of a suicide bomber... Because if they come home after work, they've had a bad day.
Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum? Coz 'e-mmental!
If a hobbit were to bake a hairstyle, what would he make it out of? Frodo
What are french journalists good at catching? Bullets.
What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese ? Thanks I'll just have a sliver !
Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.
Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful. In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled "gif" not "gf" and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Why do Native Americans like being invited to Thanksgiving dinners? Because usually they're stuck with reservations.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
I actually loved the Twilight: Eclipse movie until I realized I was actually in an alley drunk watching two cats fight over a dead mouse.
I had a funny dream last night Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake but when I woke up I found I was asleep.
I wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.
Why are ships referred to as "she" A fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.
Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless
Just yelled "I will strangle you in front of your pets" out of my window to a car that cut me off in traffic on a highway in New Jersey.
Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives? For shits and giggles.
When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"
GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN: 1. Lose parents, inherit everything 2. Let people get murdered 3. Never murder the Joker cause he's the best at puns
It's an age-old question, but which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
[outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.
I like my coffee like I like my wives, From a third world country at a reasonable price.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
PRANK: ask someone what's on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm
Hey dude that invented the unicycle... Where were you wanting to go ? then not go, then go, then not go, then get bored and juggle
I can't come tonight, couldn't get a babysitter.. It is really difficult to get a babysitter when you don't have any children.
You can't run through a campground, you can only ran Because it's past tents
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup.
I dont know if this is old but anyway What would you rate hitlers invasion of poland I personally would rate it nein out of ten Thankyou goodnight
Do not email me when my bill is ready, email me when someone has paid it, thank u.
What happens if you steal in Afghanistan? You get Talibanned
If she's not ruining your life.....She's just not that into you.
There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves. He's a corgi-ographer.
I feel sorry for Piers Morgan. He's basically Piers Morgan, trapped in Piers Morgan's body.
1000 shrinks donate hair samples to create genetically optimized SuperShrink for Donald Trump He he...
Mattel released a Muslim Barbie... It's a blow-up doll.
my wife's divorcing me and i asked reddit for help i hit the lawyer, what now
Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Don't save a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
"Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees" "DAD?!" [next day] "Where you going with that broom handle?" "Checkin for squirrels"
Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted "put a ring on it" to five random male names. Stay tuned.
Acid is like a woman. A good one will eat right through your pants.
"Getting real tired of your crap..." Said no dung beetle ever.
What do you call an amphibian in hiding? Incognitoad.
Dear lady, $14 is crazy for an airport sandwich but complaining to the counter guy is like telling a cop to pull troops out of Afghanistan.
After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat's the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
Dad got his son a birthday card A dad got his son a bday card that said "Holey cow! It's your birthday!" And it had a picture of a cow with holes in it.
I personally think that Halloween should be moved To November 8 (it'll be more scary)
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account? Because he only had 12 followers.
I got my wife tickets on a cruise ship. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic.
Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with  your foot.
How Do U Kill A Retard? Give him a knife and say "who's special?"
How do you insult a hamburger patty? Call it a meatball!
Origami You never realise how good you are at it until your toilet paper starts running out
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Which global disasters happen when you drop a roast turkey? The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China, and the overthrow of Greece.
I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui But oh how the tables have turned.
[at work] Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom? *standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards* "No...why do you ask?"
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
[first date] "What's wrong?" I don't like the ambulance in this place [sniggering] "You mean ambience" [next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
They've just released a female version of Viagra. It's called Niagara.
I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.
Q: What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months? A: An Apple turnover.
Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A  Bloodhound.
Poop jokes... are the shit.
What do you call a yak that wants to talk to you about a network marketing opportunity? A cognac
Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes? Turban Outfitters!
What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up. 
Why do gods eat swiss cheese? Because its holy
My friend keeps saying, "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
I'm living on the edge. I haven't backed up in weeks
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.
What is the difference between brown nosing and butt kissing? Depth Perception!
How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it.
What is 6.9? A good time ruined by a period.
As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won't think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.
The band Europe is rereleasing their greatest hits on records. It's the vinyl countdown.
What's the difference between a four year old and a baggie of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a baggie of cocaine fall out the window.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into a girls ass.
what is Ceasar's slogan for his advertising company? Ceasar sell ads
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
If two vegetarians are arguing Is it considered a beef?
My sister's a really bad driver.  What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
So two reddit mods walk into a bar... ...ya think the second one would have seen it.
Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's "Wright" all the time.
Hey lady, did you know I'm a Pokemon? Because I Pikachu while you sleep.
What do you call someone whose GPA is greater than the number of inches their dick is? Asian
parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun
Remember when you were a kid and you used to blow bubbles? He said hi...
Me: "If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty." Wife: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?"
So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday... They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".
What did the boy say when he had trouble using glue? I'm stuck.
What sport are Mexicans best at? Cross country.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Swallow it dammit, it's good for you  Your Pride
They say Kurt Cobain had two blue eyes.... one blew on to the wall, the other blew through the window
[back from the ultrasound] MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus? ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there!
Why didn't the tree like to play checkers? Because it was a chesnut tree.
Sean Spicer getting very upset with the media for not reporting that Trump put up a 28/13/11 triple double against the Rockets yesterday.
Why did the black child cross the road? To get to the other side
Why was Simba's dad killed by the pride? Because he didn't mufasa.
It doesn't matter what kind of brain is attached. Good boobs is good boobs.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. "Watch where you're going!" exclaims the woman. "Sorry, I'm dyslexic and I thought this was a bar, can I get you a drink?"
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say "There, their, they're."
Does anybody want this last piece of rain forest?
What has 100 balls and fuck rabbits A shotgun
I used to date an anaesthetist... She was a local girl. [credit to seeing this on QI]
What's the difference between a club and a strip club? A club has a beat that you can dance to, a strip club has a dance that you can beat to.
What's the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related.
How come oysters never donate to charity? They are all shellfish.
If banks are so worried about people stealing their pens, they should just attach them to a Creed CD
I got so drunk last night I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur
What did they say to the CEO who raise minimum wage to $70,000? Price is right!
[death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: ... Me: it sounded longer in my head.
What do you do if the lights in a Chinese food restaurant are too bright? Dim Sum.
Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true.
Are you today's date? Cause you're a 10/10. (Friend told me this today)
I've never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
What's the difference between a blimp and 1,000 blowjobs? One was a Good Year and one was a great year
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "The pilot. Let me in"
Did you hear about the new Obama Healthcare Burrito? You don't find out whats in it until you pass it...
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare] "Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock." "Not a chance. He's your problem now."
I understand the face situation but you don't have to be ugly on the inside too
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog !
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field
Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play.
(real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago! Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.
I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.
How do they practice safe sex in Scotland? They brand the sheep that kick.
When I first met your mom, I fell in love with her because she had a kind face... The kind of face I want to fuck the shit out of!
How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren't getting enough fiber?
When going through TSA inspection at the airport, there's no telling how long it will take... ... All belts are off .
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
I had a Crazy Dream Wait for dreams to come up in conversation. I had a crazy dream last night. I drempt I was a muffler... and when i woke up I was exhausted.
I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all.
Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house.
What do you call it when a story has a recurring train theme? A Loco Motif
A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail
Did you hear about the opera singing monk? He took a vow of Pavarotti.
What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria? A map.
Be the reason they create new laws.
I like the sound of you not talking.
I haven't fapped for seven days... ... because that would be too long.
Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...
Now that Gay Marriage is legal in all states I can finally get married as a solid, liquid, or gas.
Vermont's 4 seasons Vermont has 5 seasons: Almost winter Winter Still winter Mud season Road construction
Man, 2016 really has killed everybody: In November alone we lost Leonard Cohen, Florence Henderson... ...and America.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? Pilgrims. What do Pilgrims bring? Smallpox
My dog and I have two things in common: We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas :-(
Mom: Fred there were two chocolate cakes in the  larder yesterday and now there's only one. Why? Fred: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one.
China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.
I ran my car into a pole The poor bastard never saw me coming
Whats the hardest part about watching Amy Schumer swim through a pool of dead babies? Knowing she will make a shitty vagina joke about it.
What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement? Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part
I lost my kidneys when I turned 18 My knees are 100% adult now!
How are ISIS like Little Miss Muffet? Because they've got Kurds in their way.
I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Spoiler Alert I just watched Fast and Furious the other day, and I just couldn't get into it because there were too many spoilers.
Women are like condoms They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Dammit Dad Dad: "Whaddya got there, son?" Son: "Soy milk." Dad: -pauses- "Hola milk, soy tu padre."
Why did AT&amp;T have the worst wedding? No reception.
What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion? A portion.
How did my operation go Doc? Dr ; What? Dr ; Omg I've only got half a colon?
What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap
Christopher Walken does one of the top seven Christopher Walken impressions I've ever heard.
Had a trip to the Docs I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can u describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Why did Sean Connery say he quit his mall Santa job? I got tired of all the kids asking to shit on my lap.
You make cool foam designs on top of your coffee? Well latte-da.
Sarah Jessica Parker's kid cannot start kindergarten today with all the other children due to a medical condition, he's a little hoarse.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks
What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis? Long John Silver First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.
Woman next to me at coffee shop just asked a guy who's farther away to watch her computer for a sec. Devastated.
Just a typical interview "What's your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't really think that's a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
They say you are what you eat... That's why I'm a good person
I went to the zoo the other day, there was a dog there. It was a shitzu
How to serve someone a summons to court 1) Knock on their door 2) Holding a really big check for $1,000,000 3) With a "camera crew" 4) Verify person's name 5) JK you've been served.
"I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."
Have you ever eat a clock? Its very time consuming.
Just asking for a friend, if one of your testicles drooped more than the other would you see a doctor?
What is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill? The penguin who pushed him!
Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
What did the magician's girlfriend say to the magician? I can't see you anymore.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work Cop2: Not a bit Cop1: Ok cover me, I'm going in Cop2: HI GOING IN I'M DAD [both get shot]
Did you know that your local graveyard doesn't allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there.... ....As they need to be dead first
"Wanna go camping?" "No thanks, I have a house."
Why is a hemiola unfair? Because it's three against two.
Donald Trump, candidate for President, reaffirmed for America that we shouldn't worry about the size of his genitals. Now that's classy... With a capital KKK.
I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and cell phones while they're at the beach.
Hi! This is my first time in a Fitness Center. How do I start? Personal Trainer: By putting down that Pizza slice!
So I was at the bar last night.. and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?!" I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed...except this *one* guy.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I dont think anyone flushed the toilet because i dont need to hear all of your shit
Britain will be just fine... you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.
Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory? He didn't like being spoken to in that voice
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth* *closes mouth* *looks around to see if anyone noticed* *swallows bird* *acts like nothing happened*
Why is Nixon a bad chef? Because he is not a cook.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......
My special power is reading about a disease and developing all the related symptoms within an hour.
I think my children are spoiled I must have left them unrefrigerated for too long before eating them.
How many dead whores does it take to change a light bulb? More than three, I still can't reach it.
I can't look my former prostitute partner in the face since someone e-mailed me pics of her in the old days. Never look giffed whores in the mouth.
How do you save a drowning mouse ? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick. ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
What's worse than nine eleven? 311
Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice.. *70 million white women turn around*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman's hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Why did Microsoft go straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9
I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[OC] Did you hear the one about the douchebag bodybuilder with the anal fissure? He's one ripped asshole.
What did the Gay techie say? I do queries.
Say no to shampoo. Demand real poo.
God: What's that? Noah: The aquarium God: For what? Noah: The fish God: Fish can survive floods Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today gone tomorrow.
They've finally renamed my gym "Skinny Guys with Giant Headphones Loudly Dropping Small Weights."
"My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat.." Um, don't you mean "Lava"? "...like warm hill pee"
My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.
What comes before OP? QWERTYUI
I got a joke... your life
I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.
Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username 'Voldemort69' again
What do women and tornadoes have in common? They scream when they come and take the house when they leave.
Thought I saw a fat guy doing a killer air harmonica but it turns out he was just sneezing over and over.
Yo mama head so small that she got her ear  pierced and died.
A British wizard walks into a gay bar... ...and disappears with a poof
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race.
Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
The Captain and Tennille are divorcing. Tennille left him after learning he was only a Petty Officer, Third Class.
4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil. This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.
Did you hear the one about the Viking who was reincarnated? He was Bjorn again.
What is Green...and Smells Like Pork? Kermit the Frog's Finger!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won't make a difference.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, "I'm a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out."
Jokes from a college student. How to use green, yellow, and pink in a sentence? The phone goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow.
Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad? Are you kidding? She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like?
Pirates used to wear eye patches because they had hooks for hands
I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'. It's available in all good bookshops priced 149.99.
What do you call a computer that can sing really well? A Dell.
What does JCPenny and teenagers have in common? Pants 50% off
Do you ever get that creepy deja vu feeling? [credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2tc8bn/how_do_you_subtly_fuck_with_people/cny3ig0)
Do you know how to disappoint a fellow redditor? [deleted]
Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat. He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.
What's the favorite subject of young witches at  school? Spelling.
Why type of lightning likes to play sports?  -Ball lightning
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
If green gummy bears are strawberry flavored, what is the flavor of yellow gummy bears? PHLEGMon
Then: Me: I want McDonald's Mom: Do you have McDonald's money? Now: Mom: I want grandkids Me: Do you have grandkids money??
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."
I've been hearing a lot about mass murderers lately.... It must be a scary time to be catholic.
Why don't they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east? There are never enough camels to go around.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I'm getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
What is a tresspasser's least favorite number? The number 86. (No seriously. Google "86".)
"That goddamn janitor drew a dick on the chalkboard again!" (Bad Will Hunting.)
How do you determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes
Why doesnt ray charles see his friends ? Because he is married .
How is circumcision like the Great Jedi Purge? They both get rid of the force kin!
I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.
Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your  head overnight ? Pupil : Of course I've had this cold in my head for two days !
I've been cheating on you guys. Lately, I've been spending my time on my job and real life. They don't mean anything to me, I swear.
Out of? Mom (about her son): Look at these marks Jim has scored... 8.. 10... 7.. Dad: Out of? Mom: Out of pity!
Adam Sandler would have the most kills. His jokes are all dead
The second best "asm" is "sarc."
What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?  De-calfinated!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? It's ok now, he woke up.
The blonde and the calculator Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
Please end the Jew jokes. I had a relative that died in a concentration camp. Poor bastard fell right out of the guard tower.
Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy. The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.
What was the name of the knight who sat all the way around the Round Table? Sir Cumference.
[scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.
My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.
[gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles
"Why was the Amish girl excommunicated ? Too Mennonite." - Hitchens
What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
I'm in favour of same sex marriage That's mainly because I've been having the same sex with my wife for the past 20 years
Way into "Game of Thrones". Are there any shows that are games of other kinds of chairs?
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where is the bar tender?"
Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies?
Get the sand out your vagina. if you loose a player match and don't want your rematch bcuz your too pussy, why still try and talk shit xD.
Last night my friend Gavin overdosed on heart burn medicine...... I can't believe Gaviscon.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode. PATENT PENDING!!
What do you call someone incapable of eating people? A can't-ibal
Did you hear about the half-assed hitman? He assinated his targets.
Did you hear about the blonde who put  "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign  Here".
Why are European cars the lightest? because there's no Americans sitting in them.
Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.
Wine doesn't have many vitamins. That's why you have to drink a lot of it.
I seriously thought the slang phrase 'This place is 'crackalackin!', actually meant 'This place is lacking white people'.
I have an intense fear of hiccups Luckily, I only ever have one.
Kanye's acceptance speech on the VMA's
Native Americans are all pissed that we took their land when they were here first... ..but we made reservations.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can't even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
So Jack helps you off the horse. Will you help Jack off the horse?
They say don't go to a grocery store when you're hungry But I ran out of food a week ago
Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the dark side...
What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What did the hummingbird do to his girlfriend? He nectar!
What do you call a black pilot? You call him a pilot! you racist!
What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ? A feminist
For everyone who's looking, here's a handy list of all the reasons to vote for Donald Trump: There aren't any.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
implant permanent instagram filters on the cornea of my eyes so everything I see looks nostalgic and vintage
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no
What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn't Do Kegels? A lazy cunt!
It may seem like I have my shit together, but honestly I just learned how to spell February correctly.
If you tickle a billionaire, will he trickle himself?
I had a masturbation addiction. I beat it.
Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?
Just found out my wife has cooties. I'm headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now"
I will let someone cut the line I'm waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
What do you call a white slave? Whipped cream.
What is moist, smells great, and is for dinner tonight? My poop
How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid? Mini-mom wage.
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He's going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear? How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"? You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"
How do you get to the front page of reddit ? Lack of originality
What's Thom Yorke's reddit? /u/KarmaPuhlease
My father's kids won't get this... ...love.
A guy walks into a bar with a gun and shouts "Which one of you fuckers is reposting jokes on r/jokes?" A voice from the back called out "I don't think you have enough bullets m8."
my career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer
My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?" I said, "It's not what it looks like!"
The Reds are going to The Series this year.
"It goes from zero to sixty in 5 seconds." "Great. And exactly how much cocaine can I fit in the glove box?" - Anyone buying a white BMW
Why did the cardiologist bake a cake with partially hydrogenated oil? Because he took the hypocritic oath
Why did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's legs.
Whats Donald Trumps favorite album? The Wall
Pappu:- Should i punished for the work which I have not done?? Teacher: - No of course not, but why do you ask? Pappu: - Because, I have not done my home work.... :) :)
What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up!
What do you call an ugly dinosaur? An Isaurus Rex
Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets.
What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? Boneless chicken.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My father once told me, "Son, you're not an African't American, You're an African American't." Just kidding. I'm black. I don't have a father.
9 guys walk into a gay bar... They don't come out.
A Priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar... he orders a drink.
I now have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Siri, answer all of my toddler's stupid questions.
A guy got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick... Now he can play with his money, watch it grow, and you can't find a girl who can't blow a hundred dollars.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and...oh...nope, never mind I'm being robbed. Guys I'm being rob
[Job interview] "What would you say is your greatest strength?" "Sticking my fingers in people's mouths." "Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired"
Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.
Men with itchy butts Have smelly fingers
What do American beer and sex on a boat have in common? Both are fucking close to water.
On November 9th... Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!" Wife: "Trump won." Me: "Shit..."
what did Obama say to Trump? show me your schlong form birth certificate
I think there's a better word for underwear... ... Butt hat's none of my business.
What's yellow and can't swim A bus full of children
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don't fall out of a helicopter
What do you call lying furniture? Untrustable
What's the difference between an apple and a baby? I don't cum on an apple before i eat it.
You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
What's Hitler's favorite videogame? Mein Kraft.
"You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD." - 3rd degree burn
Black people, want to piss white people off? Open a restaurant. And don't serve coffee or brunch.
Make love not war... Or do both - get married.
What's another name for a boxy plow pulling baby maker? A Mexican. Make America great again! Vote the Donald!
Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the light bulb and three to talk about how Neil Peart could've done it better.
What do you call a fat, smelly hermaphodite who gives blow jobs under the bridge for a nickel? Well, YOU call her mom.
As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life.
Why type of nut do Wallflowers like? Walnuts
"I'm old." -everyone over the age of 18
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
When people ask how I got the latest movies on my computer.. I respond by telling them my lovely bay with hella booty gives them to me.arggg
How does procrastination start? I'll tell you tomorrow.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My "Pi" tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Why do porn scenes use condoms during intercourse, but not during the blowjob and climax? So they can see it coming
"Omelet you finish," -Kanyegg West
So a guy calls into work and says, "I can't come in today, I'm seeing spots." "Have you seen a doctor?" "No, just the spots."
How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal? handsfree
When grammar nazis correct me, I start to make errors on purpose to mess with them. You can say I'm passive, aggressive.
Why are sharts always a surprise? Because you can never see that shit coming.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but- me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn't have married this snake aren't u
I guess hookers are getting into the holiday spirit. I seen one today advertising pumpkin spice pussy.
If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is outside? K9P.
How does the executioner like his coffee? Decap
What do you say when you see two fetuses making out? "Oh get a womb"
What does Pittsburgh have in common with Peter Pan? The Pirates always lose.
What do you call the man who proofread Hitler's speeches? The original grammar Nazi.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you'll like it! trust me! 6: I ain't falling for that shit again
My cell phone is so nervous whenever I go to the countryside... ...it's constantly on EDGE.
My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense.
ignorance or apathy? I dont know and I dont care
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said "you're like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I once dated someone with really smelly feet, the smell used to bring tears to my eyes... It was like someone was chopping bunions.
I was watching the Cosmos, when Neil Degrasse Tyson related our genes are similar to ones in trees That means that all men have got wood in dem jeans.
[breakfast in hell] STALIN: Toast is burnt POL POT: Eggs are rotten HITLER: I hate the juice STALIN: Oh here we go HITLER: I said JUICE
Use 'discount' in a sentence. Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence. Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?"
How many times can look at the sun with a telescope? You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left!
I never understood why vets... aren't called dogtors.
Fewer US schools are selling candy, soda and chips to students After all, that stuff is horrible for pregnancies!
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker... ...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Also, to all the people with egg avatars... have you thought about where you'll hide on Easter yet?
I just finished a whole stick chap stick without losing it or replacing it. In case any of you women want to know how faithful I am.
What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.
I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.
Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
what is kurt cobain's eye color Blue. One blue to left, one blue to the right.
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
How Do You Get an Elephant Out of the Fairway? You take the F out of Fair and the F out of Way
My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?' I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'
I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV... He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'
Two fish are in a tank one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"
[dentist's full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?] so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist? You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.
What did one fish say to another fish after Eve had her first bath? Great, now we smell like woman.
What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him? He got him diss barred.
I usually prefer buffets to a la carte restaurants. Someone once asked me if I enjoyed Italian restaurants, and I said, I prefer Italiacan restaurants.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
what is the hardest part about having a daughter in your early 20's? Fighting all of those physically fit teenagers when you're in your late 30's.
Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.
If someone dies from laced cocaine, does the coroner write "devastating blow" on the death certificate?
eer booze and fun!' 'Remember an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
what did the cannibal get when he showed up late to a dinner party A cold shoulder
Why Cant Girls Count To 70? .....Because 69 is a mouthful
(NSWF) Whats funner than a dead baby A dead baby wearing a clown outfit
*pretty girl walks by and doesn't make eye contact* She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
What do I have that FC Barcelona doesn't? A semi
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is. Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa. Morpheus: It's also a powerful laxative.
If God wanted me to mow my own lawn, He wouldn't have given me the ability to earn a postgraduate degree.
Have you ever eaten a salad, then had a chickpea on your face?
[drive thru] GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you ME: yeah are you guys open
The reason I love mushrooms Cause just like mushrooms... I'm a fun guy.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
If you haven't logged onto Facebook for awhile, Judy Ann Ross from 10th grade algebra is enjoying a chicken salad sandwich right now.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Nobody Likes This. I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
I bought a 5 gallon drum of correction fluid the other day. Big mistake.
How many Biebers does it take to change a light bulb? None. There are no light bulbs in the closet. Another one: Why is Justin Bieber so pale? Because there's no light inside the closet
You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.
"Guess my nationality" the old man said Deducing from the man's accent that he was Briish, the other man said so. "You're correct, but where's the t?" asked the man. "In the harbor"
It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.
What is the most popular cheese in "the Upside Down"? Demogorgonzola
What do dyslexic zombies eat? Brians.
How can you tell if a black guy is well hung? You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck.
Valar morghulis the feminist extremists' motto.
TIL ~10,000 people quit smoking every year By dying. I'll ^show ^^myself ^^^out
Why are stock traders so good at sex? Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.
What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years? Soviet Reunion Terrible and painful, I know.
What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face.
I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be cremated... I then told my family that I had no specific burial requests, just make sure that they don't have me cremated, no matter what.
Ethics of the police
How many brits are needed to change a light bulb None they just terminate their apartment contract.
Conjecture: At some point in 2013, our neighbors will get so high that they accidentally sell their own weed. For weed money. To buy weed.
Diary June 28 1954 So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can't tell anybody this. June 30 1954 I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I have a new job. I'm a dressing room attendant for dancers at a strip club. $300/week. That's not much, but it's all I can afford.
What's the difference between a fish and a mountain goat? Fish muck about in fountains...
So what do Islam and Subway Sandwich Shop have in common? A: They both had a pedophile spokesman. http://www.citizenliberty.com/2015/11/so-what-do-islam-and-subway-common.html
Did you hear about that new species of mosquito? It's called the Nickelback, it really sucks.
What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand? *hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING?!?!?!
It's so cold this morning I had to seperate my dogs poop into two seperate bags and use them as hand warmers.
What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady? But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?
if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women.. Morning dew.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I'm way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!
What is a polygon? A dead parrot.
How do you reheat a cold war? You nuke it.
Why shouldn't you let your kids run more than a mile? Because at the second mile they get raped.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office? Erections
Whats the difference between a canoe and a jew? One tips the other doesn't.
What do you call a black guy in a museum? Antique farm equipment
What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? **SnowBalls!**
After today the rest of the world will get "FOUR MORE YEARS!" without having to hear about the US election.
LPT: Never use hyperbole.
Lubricant?? ... Lubri-CAN!!!
Whenever I walk into a crowded men's room, I shout So this is where all the dicks hang out!
If you're American & I ever hear you use the word "whilst," this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.
How can you tell if a groom is Polish? He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in? Customer: No. Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.
Toucan: Albanians kidnap Liam Neesons bird
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Who's your dad's cousin's cousin's daughter to you? A potential Tinder date.
did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? he is a small medium, at large
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language.
I was screwing this African woman last night, she kept yelling the N word It was really hard to concentrate with her screaming no the entire time
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? SNOWBALLS
my glass eye is freaking you out? sorry I didn't real eyes.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day?
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson? The vacuum has the dirtbag on the inside.
How can you tell if someone is having a stroke? There is lotion and used tissues laying around
Hey you know how people say they hate math because it doesn't make sense? I think that is unfair because math loves them. The problem is that math shows its love by playing hard to get.
I was doing so well getting over my viagra addiction... But I couldn't keep it up.
A girl runs up to her mother with a pile of crap in her hand "Look what I almost stepped in!"
I grow herbs in my bed. Bed thyme.
Am I crazy... ... or does it smell like boogers in here?
Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box. Badum tiss.
I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!
I went to a show at the zoo, but the monkeys went wild and stated flinging poo at everybody... What a shit show
What did the ghost say to the bee? Boo bee!
The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
No matter how angry you get about something... ... you can't any angrier than a midget with a yo-yo.
Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse, is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better!
COW: I'm constipated DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol C: ur doing puns right now? DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Donald Trump's presidential campaign emerges victorious! title
Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty.
What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaains!
How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side!
What does a gay man and a rhubarb have in common? It's not right to call them a fruit.
"WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH! After you try this delicious glazed poultry I've prepared for you all." --General Tso
Did you hear about the new Die Hard where Willis Infiltrates a Corrupt Nunnery? "*Bad Habits Die Hard.*"
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it was pizza.
What US state has the most cows? Moosouri!
I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.
What happened when fire and the wheel were invented? People got lit and turnt.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest will blow you.
'How to Win Friends &amp; Influence People' is getting a sequel How to lose friends and alienate people.
I have a job crushing pop cans. It's soda pressing.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn "o" into an "O".
Two cannibals are eating a math teacher. Another approaches, and asks.. "Hey, can I have sum?"
Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
If a British person calls 911 and says, "It's a bloody mess" how does the operator know if there's blood or the person is just being British
What do you call a prematurely born Chinese baby? Sudden Lee
Two drums and a cymbal jump off a cliff... Ba dum tss.
The United Nations is like a black father You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .
What do dissecting a frog and explaining a joke on Reddit have in common? Both are shitty novelties.
What's the tallest building in [insert your town/city here] The Library, it has the most stories......
The thing about statistics is, if you gather enough, you'll find a coincidence.
Remember when... ... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now...
I'm writing a movie script about a group of Kenyan refugees who are breaking track records in a suburban American high school... I call it, "Fast times at Ridgemont High"
Our topic today: Should we legalize monster trucks? We'll speak to monster truck expert Kevin, age 8. He believes they are "cool and big."
What do you call a Muslim woman without a burka? Dead.
I am 99% sure USA's Student's t is 2.576. Because America got an infinite degree of freedom.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won't try new foods.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Why did the cz-75 get the girl pregnant? It took too long to pull out.
SATURDAY TIP: simply because mother has fallen asleep that's no reason to stop the footrub
"Want to hear a joke about potassium?" "Yes" "K"
Your momma's so fat... ...that when I asked her what her what her favorite time of the year was, she said, "dinner time."
What's the difference between a knife, and an argument with a female? A knife has a point...
*pays $20 for deluxe car wash* *hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*
I've got a friend who's a psychopath and he's got a brilliant sense of humour. He kills me!
I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work. On a lighter note, I'm selling a lightly used skateboard.
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but my basement's still dark
"I'm hungry!" says your sister... "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad" your father replies Two hours later, your dad says, "I'm fucking hungry!"
What happened to Wendy from Wendy's? "The Baconator"
Breaking News: PIRATES STOPPED STEALING OIL TANKERS They switched to stealing tankers filled with printer ink...
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a 'cradle robber' cuz he's 18 and I'm 43. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I've chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep! That's what my gastroentomologist told me.
How do you turn regular water into holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I ate so much at Thanksgiving, I had to loosen my Fitbit. (Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)
What is atheism? A non-prophet organisation.
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Mmmmm.... delicious!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
What have Brussel sprouts and pubic hair got in common? You brush them both to the side and carry on eating.
And breaking news, a man has been rushed to hospital after having 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass. He is in a stable condition.
Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers? No you should eat your fingers separately!
It's a good thing the pilgrims and indians feasted on turkey instead of cats at the original Thanksgiving... ...otherwise we would only get to eat pussy once a year.
Molestation Such a touchy subject
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Man goes to a burger stand and asks for an Oasis burger The vendor asks what an Oasis burger is. You get a roll with it.
Plot Twist: Africa adopts Angelina Jolie
If trump gets elected can we make a show similar to the apprentice but when Trump says "your fired" he sends a nuclear missile at a country.
Former District attorney lost job after scandal, now a male sex worker. Most of his jobs are pro-boner
Why do Redditors pay with exact change? They can't stand a Nickleback!
I'm sick of everyone one reddit corecting my spelling.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody's mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four they'd be called chicken sedans!
Why did the engineer drive the backwards? He had a loco motive.
A rapist made a pornhub account... His porn/stage name was Ben Dover
What do you call chips that aren't yours? Nacho chips
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
What do you call a Crazy female deer? A doenut
What did the black Jew say to the non-believers? We Israel..
I dig my own Grave. Adds Inter-ior designer to Resume.
What do Australian chess players say when they're finished eating at a restaurant? Check mate.
Why was the clownfish sad? Because its friends were anemones.
How do you keep brown bears off your property? Build a wall
I love telling jokes... But I always punch up the fuck line.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
What's the biggest difference between men and women? The phrase "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film." is a good place to start.
I only entered the witness protection program for the free plastic surgery.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? Well, the pickpocket snatches watches,
6yo Son: Dad, why'd you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower? Me: How's ice cream for dinner sound?
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double-entendre... So he gives it to her.
LOUD PART, quiet part, LOUD PART, quiet part. There, I wrote a symphony. What's the big deal?
How do you fit an elephant in a teacup? You take the f out of way. ~~say it out loud if you don't get it~~
How do you know the economy is only getting worse? On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
Old MacDonald had a very bad Scrabble hand... E-I-E-I-O.
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination? A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing."
My front door was locked so I tried to force it open. Then my wife said "You're not a Jedi Paul, just use the goddamn key."
"How would you describe the woman who attacked you?" *Describes mother* *Gets a copy of picture* *Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Friends are like snow flakes. If you pee on them they go away.
There's probably a whole circle in hell that's just full of guys beatboxing.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother? Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.
Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They're always taking things...literally.
If water is h20, what is ice H2O^3
Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right? My point is old people shouldn't get to vote
Apparently "naked" is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
What was Ol' Dirty Bastard's favorite vegetable? Nigga, peas!
What a coincidence. My state of the unit address focuses on jobs as well.
I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today... When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares"
A Lawyer walks into a bar Well, technically, he wasn't a lawyer yet...
DJ Daemon maintains the beats in the background.
The police came to my door to tell me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. The fuck they are, I said. My dogs don't even have bikes.
your Lonely Score is the maximum number of forks a takeout place has given you for your single person food order. my score is 4
No I don't think you're stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
What did the Zero say to the Eight? Nice belt.
Me - "Hey kiddo, you have your shoes on the wrong feet" My 6 year old - "I ain't got no other feet"
Dear Algebra, Don't make us find your X. She is never going to come back, And don't ask Y.
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: It was pissed off.
What sport do you play with a wombat? Wom
What did the OCD man get thrown in jail for? Organized crime.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs. God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.
CW: It's 11:11 make a wish. Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
23rd Century Scientist: We're sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission. Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
"Blinding Nemo" #BPMovies
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster's feet, what would I have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
What do you call a armless, legless man in water? Bob.
What does an alcoholic ghost drink? BOO'S.
Turning to an episode of Seinfeld and discovering it's one you've never seen is like finding a twenty dollar bill in your pocket.
Who's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney princess? Sleeping Beauty
What do you get when you mix a red tie and a shit hair cut? Mexico and Canada scratching their heads thinking, how the FUCK!?
I'm going out with a girl I met online who's a vegetarian... I've never met *herbivore* :)
What seperates black people and white people? The bars. Shoutout to my bud Treyvon for this joke from almost 7 years ago.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, "Let's put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us."
A friendly reminder to Republicans... ...to set your clocks 60 years ahead and join the rest of us in the 21st century.
You know what they say about cliffhangers ...
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it Apparently, she left me a few days ago
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free
So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds. That's awfully cheap for a human baby.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Oh, I almost forgot; my mom told me to tell you guys hi.
I believe in "you're stupid" at first sight.
What's the difference between England and Oscar Pistorius? England gets off scott-free.
"Rock. Paper. Scissors." - terrible surgeon
What is a bed's least favourite time of year? Spring break.
heres a knock knock joke for you knocks nock nock. whos there dickey doo dickey doo who ya stomach sticks out further than ya dickey doo
Did you hear the one about the 2 gay ghosts? They kept giving each other the willies!
Why should you bury indians 10 feet deep? Because deep down they're good people
PRO TIP: Despite the name, never hand Krazy Glue to a crazy person...especially if you're both naked & only have the hotel room for an hour.
Women have closets full of 'I have nothing to wear.'
What did the Blind, Deaf man get for Christmas?? Cancer
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! *drops mic*
"Let's check in with Ted our correspondent in the field." Ted: "Hey Bob I've been in this field for about an hour, and I'm super bored."
Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.
The script for the upcoming Tetris movie is terrible Each actor just says four lines and then disappears.
I bought a book yesterday-a real one with paper, and you have to turn pages and everything! Living like a cave person. Life is hard.
A teenager buys condoms for the first time... The cashier says, "That'll be $9.95 plus tax.". Horrified, the boy exclaims "I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
"This surgical knife isn't sharp," ...Dr. Swiftie said bluntly.
Say 'beer can' in a British accent. I just taught you to say 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.
Look dude, I'm going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone. I shouted "Morning!" He replied "No, just pooping."
Q: How do you get 27 kids to carve a statue? A: Have everybody chip in.
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!
I haven't told anyone but last night I let my husband indulge his "scat" fetish. I'm glad I got that off my chest.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
"911? Yes I need to report an incident" "What is it mam?" "THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!" "Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia."
I came up with a new word that means taking someone else's work and passing it off as my own. Plagiarism
Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma  like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well  Grandma's very deaf so I'm writing very loudly.
The memory foam in my mattress is probably wishing it could forget me.
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin.
If Donald Trump becomes president, he'll increase taxes, he'll increase borders... And the population of Canada.
How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo? They heard she could handle a cockatoo.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Life gets worse when you're an adult. 
Why doesn't Jesus play basketball? He got crossed up.
"Kim Jong Il dies at 69." That's how I'd like to go. With wet balls and a face full of cunt.
So I got asked if I wanted a threesome... I said no thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
Bandwagon fans make me so mad, I've hated Benghazi for decades
Yo momma's pussay is like the white house: No bush, and there's a black guy in there now.
What do you call a pessimistic Mexican? A Mexican't
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they're being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
teacher: "there are no stupid questions" me: "ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese"
Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head.
I'm so pissed right now I'm going to open a can of... what the hell, when did they start putting child proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass?
Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you've gotten.
What does a grizzly wear under his fur? Under-bear.
What is the best part of living in Flint You get free Orange Juice
Muffins. So there are two muffins in an oven. One says to the other, "Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" And the second one says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
Unemployment rate went down to historic lows I think I might switch my major to art -No one ever
What is Fonzi's favorite letter of the alphabet? "F", for Fonzi. Duh.
How's Bud Light like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking pretty close to water.
If your wife is shouting Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.
New Coworker: So do you have any kids? Me: Yeah, one too many New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have? Me: One
Buffalo Snow Not to make light of a deadly situation, but if this storm and flood ends up wiping away Buffalo, my chicken wing collection is going to be worth a fortune.
What did the Buddhist say to the Hot-Dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I had the dream again, the one where I show up to a standardized test with a no.3 pencil.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma has a pause and the end of it's clause.
What do you call a cow who has just had an abortion? De-calf-inated
Two crows walk into a bar. Before they can order their first drink, they get arrested for attempted murder.
Did you hear that great joke about Schrodinger's cat?
Advice from a 6 year old patient: "You should wear your stethoscope everywhere...girls will really like you. You look smart"
<--- only has 13 problems left. Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Princess Peach: Something's different. You seem taller. Luigi wearing Mario's red overalls: No, nothing is different. It'sa me, Mario.
What's something white people can call other white people but black people can't call other black people? Dad.
Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.
A security camera caught a couple having sex in an elevator. .... They got off on the eighth floor.... then they straightened their clothing and exited the elevator on the 14th floor.
What's the difference between r/politics and r/liberal? None
*hops off a horse* alright buddy, your turn
A sexist, a racist and a homophobe walk into a bar Bartender: 'What will it be, Mr Trump?'
Two fish are in a tank One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"
Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson's daughter? Because if so nvm
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough."
Did you like the movie yesterday? How is Jerry doing at school? It's a pity you broke up with Mark, he was OK. "Do I know you?" "I follow you on twitter."
Probably my worst birthday was my 9th because my mom was in jail & her boyfriend TJ made me a pinata filled with maggots & hair.
[Deathbed Confession] I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
So in the old days Jesus told me that he needs an ark, I reply : "I noah guy"
I was Hungary... so Iran to Turkey
how many calories are in a horse
retweet if a walrus named jamaal got you pregnant then wouldn't pay child support so you had to take him to Maury
A polite penis stands up when a lady wants to sit down
Sally Why did Sally fall of the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock (Reader says who's there) Not Sally.
Why Wasn't Hitler Allowed to Host Jeapoardy? He kept asking the contestants if their answers were their final solution.
I don't care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
What did the child with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
How many Ferguson protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they can't change anything.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
Why do girls always walk around in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
A repost walks into a bar Bartender says "shit, you again?!".
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
For the low, low price of $14.95, I'll send you my instructional DVD, "How to Succeed as a Con Man."
A man walks into a bar... Because he forgot he was in Jail
She said, "I want you to make love to me so badly." He replied, "And that's exactly what I'm going to do."
No thanks, dentist's office that used to be a house
One of my black friends told me this, and I didn't know if I should laugh: What do you call a black hitchhiker? Stranded
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
The Chinese emperor went out on a guys night. It was the man-date of heaven.
Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid. He also says "Tremendous", "Sad", and "Pathetic".
What do a cue ball and a mexican have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
So this ray of light broke bad. It was put in prism.
Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table, and then a stool.
In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.
What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
Guys! I demand you stop making jokes about 9/11! Its just plane wrong!
Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
There are three types of people... People who can count and people who can't
A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
Nuts. When you have nuts on the wall they're called walnuts. When you have nuts on your chest they're called chestnuts. When you have nuts on your chin you're called a cocksucker.
There is no 'I' in 'Denial'
You know what is intense? Camping. Is intense.
Pineapple Jokes When is an apple not an apple?
What do call a white guy in a burning building? Fire cracker
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...
If I could be indestructible for a day, its scary how many sharks I'd make out with.
Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.
My favourite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?
Me: How was the party last night? 17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What??? 17: Nah, it's cool. We got away. Me: That's my girl.
And so, Jesus said unto Peter "Come forth and win yourself eternal glory" But Peter came fifth and won himself a toaster
What's a poker player's favorite sitcom? Full House.
Cotton Mouth I hate when i get cotton mouth, but that happens a lot when you eat a lot of pants.
I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts..... The plot was riveting!
8 *walks into the house with covered in mud* Me: MY LORD 8: well that's a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino  \_()_/ 
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
My signature move is having my phone connected for hours to a charger that's not even plugged in.
TIFU Your girl was on my lap
There's both a McDonald's and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?
The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"
What do you call a ghost chicken? A poultry-geist!
My computer said hello to me It's a Dell.
I'm a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that's why I decided to let these bees live in my skull
"You made your bed now lay in it" doesn't really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed. And other 5am thoughts
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay... ...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.
I am so dwarf that... I am so dwarf that people don't take me seriously enough to win any competition other than stand up comedy!
Give it to me straight "I'd really like to have sex with you-" Now give it to me gay "-r boyfriend."
BREAKING NEWS: Wikileaks founder Julian Assange to release detailed document on what Willis was talking about.
[During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?
How do you get a witch pregnant? You fuck her.
As it turns out, "harder" is a horrible safe word.
I think my washing machine used to belong to Usain Bolt. It has a setting for fast coloureds.
I ate peanut butter and got an allergic reaction. I got sued.
How did Helen Keller break her arms? She tried to read a road sign going 45mph
I was grilling, and dropped a hamburger patty Now it's ground beef
This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i'm beginning to like her People say its just stalk-home syndrome
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order. Him: Make a will? Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Tommy Cooper gag A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
I hope this Hurricane is a Joaquin the park ;)
Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal.Idiots
What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference? You probably won't get it.
What do you call a cross between two KKK members? Burning
What do you always get on your birthday?  Another year older!birt
Want to hear a joke about Potassium? K.
How to make Holy Water Friend: Hey, how do you make Holy Water? Me: Uhh...Let me think... Why? Friend: You boil the hell out of it! Me: Get out.
I'm going to save my resolution for 2015, I think I want to be an asshole for another year.
You should never live in the past. Unless you're a time traveler. Cause dinosaurs rule.
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
How many men does it take to fix a women's watch? Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!
Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns... It just goes all right, all right, all right.
I knew Donald Trump was a bro as soon as I knew his taste in music. We both love The Wall.
I like to walk up to psychics, punch them in the face and say... "Betcha didn't see that one coming"
Where do psychopaths shop? In sainsburys *i understand that if your not from the UK this joke probably won't make sense, or it's just not funny*
I heard One Direction released a new album recently... ...it's titled "Ray"
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things TV Host: What are cooking for us today? Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Leaving restaurant: "That was lovely" Outside: "Well, it was okay" In car: "I mean, it wasn't great" Back home: "We won't go there again"
What do UP! and push-up have in common? First you have a great time, but after 5 minutes you end up crying.
Sometimes relationships last longer when Facebook doesn't know about them.
What is Snoop Dogg's favorite note? High G.
My girlfriend isn't a fan of Starwars, says I would have to force her to go. "*ss****SSkkkk****rrowwmm****mzzrreowwwowwww***."
3 guys walk into a bar Three guys walk into a bar. The forth guy ducks.
What's the going rate to find out a girl isn't into you? My recent observation concludes ~$140. Great weekend.
Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film. Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.
Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that's about the same.
Sex is a lot like eating It starts with the mouth and ends in the arse
I ran 3 miles this morning, so if I did my math correctly, I can eat 3 pounds of cake today.
At a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Give me an example" "When do I start?"
I'm always behind the person at McDonald's who acts like they've never seen the menu in their life
What is the similarity between women and square roots? If they are under 16 you should just do them in your head.
I have to work new years eve. But I'm not upset, after work I have the rest of the year off.
TIL I have big fingers or a small butthole.
What did Hitler say when he put on a blindfold? "I can Nazi."
"Mom guess what I'm getting married!!!" Is he rich? "I think so. His name is Charles Mansion"
(bad joke) What's the best vegetable for stepping on when you get out of the shower? A toe-mat-o.
Coffee at McDonald's is like sex in prison You'll have no trouble getting it, but it's rough.
I'm starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Why is the galley the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? Because everything but the kitchen sinks. =D ^(I feel dirty)
Knock Knock Who's there ! Blood ! Blood who ? Blood brothers !
What did Helen Keller scream when she got mugged? Nothing. It was winter and she had mittens on.
The worst birthday present I ever got... ...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded "because your mom said you grew a foot."
[snowman rings doorbell] Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a "snow blower" and was wondering where I might find one.
Please don't tell 9/11 jokes today they're just plane wrong.
Diet, Day 14: I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I've repelled everyone else. But I'm starting to really like pears.
Women used to always call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make. Now they call me ugly and poor.
I played a piano duet with myself... it was a Heart and Soulo
Do you know why there's no sound when Django has sex? Because the D is silent.
What do men and public toilets have in common? All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit. *this is a response to an earlier joke comparing women to parking spots*
What kind of joke is the best joke? The one shoved up your ass. (As told by my adorable and naughty 7 year old).
Why do programmers produce more garbage than others ? Because they (some of them) don't have a garbage collector.
Some of you should not be allowed to procreate and if you have to google what procreate means, then I'm talking about you in particular.
What's the difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara falls.
What do you call a disobedient feline pirate? A mew-tineer! And what do you call a genetically altered cow? A moo-tant, of course!
Watching TV today I saw a struggling actress I used to know had landed a job in a bra commercial. Nice to see her supporting herself.
The Blind Man "Ah, I see," said the blind man as he spat into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."
Hope they send us home early; I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to work today.
16 Y.O. employee: "There's a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?" Me: "Is there a live baby in it?" Him: "No." Me: "Throw it away."
What do you call a clever joke that doesn't make it to the front page? A clever joke, but nobody will have Reddit...
FUN FACT: The Olsen twins were actually triplets but Mary ate her sister Kate in utero and that's why she has two names
Her text: I'm tanning. Call you when I'm done. My thoughts: SHE'S NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED
Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you're not at your desk.
YOLO You Only Love Owls.
My dentist is hysterical:"just let me put the tip in. It won't hurt. I have drugs to numb the pain" Ha. should go see him professionally!
What do you call corn with a sense of humor? Laughing stalk
Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake ? Someone else's !
Why does Game of Thrones always kill off its main characters? For the good of the watch.
what is a woman to cant give birth? bruce jenner
Republicans, don't forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Q: Why are farmers cruel? A: They pull corn by the ears.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb? A: He holds it in the air and the world revolves around him
What's the difference between donald trump and a bucket of shit? the bucket
What do u call a girl having no boyfriend?
The distance this fish swam... Is a SCALER not a vector.
My new thesaurus is truly awful! I honestly have no words to describe how angry I am!
what do you get when you mix 9th grade literature with alcohol? Tequila mockingbird.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? 1 in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.
I slipped on some black ice yesterday... I thought it was regular ice until I realized my wallet was gone.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous... The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
What's the difference between a racist person and a racist skeleton? They both are insulting, but the skeleton doesn't have any body to share racist jokes with!
Why should you never play Uno with a Mexican? Because they'll steal all the green cards.
What do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub? Laundry.
I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.
Ana from Frozen was upset it didn't snow on her Wedding day, but everything has a silver lining because she got 8 inches that night
In the time it took you to read this, Woody Allen made another film and it starred some big names and it was ok and now it's on DVD already
Yo mama is so fat that... ...she should really be concerned because diabetes is a serious problem
There's now a morning after pill for guys. It changes your blood type.
My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock.
Because the unspeakable can also happen to men I bought myself a rape alarm. I'll be fucked if this thing doesn't work.
What do a Professional Fifa Player and a Rapist have in common? They're both going to score, even if you don't want them to.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He's not coming.
*at waffle house* "do you want bacon or sausage?" 'YES'
How much space does fungi need to grow? As Mushroom as possible.
What is the most common question asked by iPhone users? "Does anyone have a charger I could use?"
I wanted to share this great joke I heard about a farmer fixing his fence... ...but it's a re-post.
My horse was way more aggressive than usual today it threw me off
I'm simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
"Jessica wasn't usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong." -Investigation Discovery
The Doctor made me walk again... Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill
Today is "Jamaican hair day" at work. I'm dreading it.
I got a case of beer for my wife! It was a good trade!
*Girl attempting to count to ten* girl 1: 1....3....5....7....9.... girl 2: What the hell? Why are you skipping numbers? girl 1: Because I can't even!!!
Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it's real
What did 9 say to 11? Let's get Bush in on this.
A neutrino walks into a bar... and it just keeps on going.
My friend got a summer job in a mirror factory He said its a job he can see himself doing.
My wife is like a plunger She's good at bringing up old shit.
Why do Greeks like fried foods? Because they're greasy
Why was Freddie Mercury a great front-man for Queen? He could perform "Under Pressure".
My life is a nightmare since they legalized gay marriage Because I have Iridophobia.
There's a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.
That chick really knocked my socks off. And I had just finished folding and stacking them, too. Bitch.
The best thing about sharing a king sized bed with your spouse is that if you move far enough away it feels like you're completely alone.
My hell is a giant Bath & Body Works store ...where all the women answer yes/no questions with "stories".
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Ceilings were just ambitious walls.
What comes after America? Bmerica. I'll see myself out
I can get most of Reddit to hate me in one sentence I'm watching Sword Art Online (my favorite anime) on my iPhone while reading a Minions fanfic on my Wii U and eating bananas dipped in ketchup
Where is Donald Trump gonna put all of the illegal immigrants once he arrests them? Juantanamo
SNAKE: im gonna bite you SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy S: wha- SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me? S: *blushes* well not anymore
I was out walking my dog when another man with a dog approached me, picked up a stick and said 'I could throw this stick a mile away and this dog would bring it back.' 'That's a bit far fetched!'
Debt collector are so persistent they never leave you a loan
4 introverts walk into a bar... What? Were you expecting something else?
Cooper at the end of Interstellar "You know what I like about space travel, man. They get older, I stay the same age."
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see his friend Gregory Peck.
I wonder if Dumbledore ever used the sorting hat to help him with the laundry.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? mount rushmore
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I'll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ? A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !
With how fat America is.... With how fat America is, I'm surprised their currency isn't in pounds.
So a seal walks into a club...
3 gays in a hot tub A bubble of semen rises up, one looks at the others and says "OK who's farted?"
got a fake ID w a picture of shrek on it. works everytime. bought ten shrek dvds w it just this morning. lady at the counter didnt say SHIT
Born Too Late To Explore The Earth, Born too early to explore the galaxy, Born at just the right time to have sex with virtual reality anime chicks.
*man choking* Is there a doc in the house? *Dr Pepper rises* *searches man's pockets* Hey ur no doctor! *moustache falls off* *it's Mr Pibb*
Putin denies Russian naval exercises in Finnish waters, claims that sonar readings "were misinterpreted". Whoops, wrong sub.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
"EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU" - facebook
Why did the hipster drown? He went ice Skating before it was cool
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say "I love you," she's talking to our dog.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower? You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.
What is a pirates favorite letter? No, it's the C.
Why should you never bring a fat person to see a dramatic movie? They will ruin the suspension.
There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
Knock knock. Who's there? Underwear.  Underwear who? Underwear my baby is tonight?
What's a Fly without it's wings? A Walk
Hire The Pretty Blonde
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I don't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face (There's a slight pause between garbanzo and bean when speaking the joke)
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed "take a nap" with "piece of crap" so don't tell me about your parenting skills.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I'm not that surprised.
What file does a Knight store his music on? A **MIDI**-val file.
How do you make Donald Trump laugh? tickle his armpits
What did Reddit say about the post that had no comments? Wow, such empty
What do you call a southern girl who runs faster than her brothers A virgin
What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler? Oh my god put them back in the damn ovens! They're so under-cooked they're writing fucking diaries!
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night if there really is a dog.
The worst part of Thanksgiving is all of the leftovers... and having to heat them up every time I want to eat since I quit cold turkey.
the biggest joke of all time Trump
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn't turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
TIFU by going to Jimmy John's for lunch.. Whoops, wrong sub.
Avoiding the use of French-derived words... Is not my forte.
What's the difference between a group of midget spies and a women's track team? One is a cunning group of runts.
I've started replacing "yes" with "sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti."
If there's a god-shaped hole in all of us does that mean our poos come out in god's image?
How do you get a bunch of Canadians out of a swimming pool? Say "Get out of the pool."
What do all battered women have in common? They don't listen.
We've replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump's speech with the names of IKEA furniture. Let's see if he notices
When my Girlfriend got pregnant... Everything changed... My name, My Address, My phone number, My email ID Everything.....
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Which is worse, insouciance or ignorance? I don't know and I don't care.
if you're in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What's that? Like maybe 10 years?
the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
If you die in the shower when you're shampooing do the police have to finish rinsing when they find you or is that the ME's job. Is it a job
What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider? Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.
How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement? Collecting stocks and bonds.
Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot? He didn't like dealing with reservations.
What does Monica Lewinsky and Soda Machine have in common?
My Girlfriend Told Me I Need To Get In Shape..... I told her "I am in shape! Round is a shape!"
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
What is Joan of Arc's least favorite food? Steak
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn. He will just have to mow around me because I'm not moving..
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it's all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Anal sex is just like your first car You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway
Success is like pregnancy... Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects? They were looking for the ark tick.
My Dad voted Republican his entire life. After he died he voted Democrat
I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me! I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
What should we call people who leave crusty bits of food in the corner of their mouths? #Herpeaters.
How does Moses make his coffee? He brews it.
Having sex with a waitress sucks. She only takes the tip.
When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
What is a math teacher's favorite kind of toilet paper? The kind that has multi ply's.
Cop: Know why I stopped you? SUPER DANCE OFF?? Cop: OH YEAH OH YEAH? Cop: No, not really. There's a warrant for your arrest. oh no
Today I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet.. I managed to get away, but he definitely gave me a good run for my money!
police codes 472: loitering 213: man with horse eyes 304: gnarly dirtbike 94: breaking & entering 834: dog smoking weed 58: sexy loitering
Did you hear about the three guys that walked into a bar? You'd think the third guy would've ducked.
I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early
what kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.
Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized
hey can I use your bathroom? cashier: only paying customers jesus...ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
If you think you could never kill another human being, you haven't met enough people.
What do you get when you throw a Canadian down a flight of stairs? An apology.
How do cows go from one town to another? they cowmmute.
How to you tell a naval officer from and RAF officer on an aircraft carrier? The naval officer is trying to feed bread to the helicopters!
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you're unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table.
They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you've been swimming which is athletic not lazy
What is small furry and smells like bacon ?  A hamster !
What does a beef patty have in common with a blowjob? Both are better between 2 buns
Have you ever been to an Amish party? Those guys really raise the roof!
what did the afraid triangle say to the circle that was about to beat him up? I'm very squared.
I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed
What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.
Friends are like trees They fall after being hit multiple times with an axe.
How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? (NSFW) They paint a red X on the back of the sheep that kick.
Have you heard about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.
My relationship advice is if you're not single you deserve it.
Hi, I'd like to order a baby "Excuse me?" It says here you deliver babies? "Sir this is a hospital" [vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I do pull ups to get girls... and pull outs to not get one
What did the Spanish musician say when he went fishing? Castanets!
Where do Russians stream movies from? Nyetflix.
A woman asked her husband "what trait of me do you love the most?'' ''My beautiful face? My sexy body?" The husband looked at her from top to bottom, and answered, "I love your humor."
"Do you know what this room needs? At least four paintings of lighthouses!" white people
I think Jennifer Aniston was filmed on a green screen in 2003 and it gets released with a different background and co-star twice a year.
So an anti-vaxxer tells me that vaccines cause autism. So I reply "Oh, so you've gotten vaccinated, then?" ~~Sorry if it's a terrible joke.~~ No regrets
If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.
I was eating at an Indian restaurant when a homeless man came in and asked the girl behind the counter if they had any food he could have. She told him there was Naan.
I was going to organize a space-themed birthday party for my son... ...but I couldn't planet.
Squared My dick is X squared and I rooted your mom. Now she's my X
I call my dick fun Because it's what girls just want to have!
Be careful when you ROFL! I once heard a joke in a scissor factory... It left me in stitches.
I'll bet Vampire Kiddies enjoy scabs as much as human Kids love pudding skin
I knew a kid in grade school who was born with deformed eyelids... ...So they took the flesh from his circumcision to fix his deformity. For the rest of his life he was cock-eyed.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Whats better than winning gold at the paralympics? Having legs.....
My mate died from a bad case of heartburn I can't believe Gaviscone.
What is big hairy and can fly faster than sound? King Koncord.
I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology. I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter." He replied, "I don't follow you."
Why was Easter the aardvark's favorite holiday? Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!
For what person do all men take off their hats? The barber.
What do you say if Chris Brown is your blackjack dealer and you need another card?
Good friends are like toasters... If you throw them down the stairs, they probably won't make toast for you anymore.
Headaches aren't real.. They're all in your head.
Why do elephants where pink shoes? To hide in the grass. Have you ever seen an elephant with pink shoes? No? Good hiders, aren't they?
What Do You Call An Israelite On The Himalayas? Mountain Jew.
I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said "You don't have much of a case."
A Jewish boy goes to his father and asks for 50 cents... "I don't have 40 cents. What do you want with 30 cents? Here's 20 cents."
Why do Call of Duty players hate Lee Harvey Oswald? Oh come on, the man is a stupid camping hardscoper!
Why didn't Count Dracula get married? He wanted to remain a bat-chelor.
I stopped a kidnapping today.. I woke him up
I like my coffee like I like my women. Black and taken from poor countries when not mature.
I've never sent out a pic of my penis. I believe that is a sacred thing shared between a man and another man pretending to be a woman.
I'm sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
*whispers to dog wearing a 'working dog, do not pet' vest* psst what time does your shift end?
Hipster James Bond Movie - Oddjob uses a Fedora as a deadly throwing hat.
A Jew walks into a wall with an erection. Gets a broken nose. What does an Asian get? A broken nose.
"You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands." *Lights another cigarette*
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
What did the baby eating cannibals say in the hospital to the expectant mothers? Fetus!!!
Why do teenage girls hangout in odd-sized groups at Starbucks? Because they can't even.
It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...
College guy: How do you like it? Me: Salty...of course *slaps down $20 CG: We'll take two pretzels with salt ~Get outta the gutter pervs
How many anti-Trump protesters does it take to change a lightbulb? TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
My teachers are like my girlfriends... They are both best between periods.
I like to surprise cross-eyed people they never see it coming
I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.
I present to you the world's shortest poem, entitled "Fleas". Adam had'em.
Sick eagles are forbidden by law. They're illeagle.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies
What do you call an angry wind? A cross breeze.
I once had a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
If you're drunk, you're 3 sheets to the wind... ...if you're stoned, are you three papers to the wind?
What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE
Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site. I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."
Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work? Well, it worked with the slaves.
What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.
I really was gonna jog at the park today....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Friend: You'll find love again. Me: STOP THREATENING ME
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
"Honey, can you bring me a roll of toilet paper?" Toilet paper- "I have a boyfriend"
A man tells his wife "Here's your aspirin, my dear." Wife: Why are you giving me an aspirin? I don't have a headache. Man: Gotcha! Let's fuck!
What do a married guy and a single guy have in common? They both think the other one gets laid more.
I hate it when my teachers hit on me. It sucks being homeschooled.
Russia is invading Ukraine? US: "NATO my watch!"
Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.
What do you call a stillborn grizzly cub? Unbearable
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !
What's the difference between Trump and a Halloween pumpkin? The pumpkin is bright.
murderers are my pet peeve. im a real chill dude until i get murdered, then you better be prepared to have some sarcasm thrown your way
Why did the meme crossed the road A meme beme screme
My doctor said he couldn't prescribe me with Viagra. No hard feelings.
You know what's way better than an iPod? A zune
Every time you make a typo... the errorists win
Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, . . but . . . . not each others phones..!
When Jesus was crucified, what was the cause of death? Cross Contamination
Who wears a red suit, and knows if you are naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition
What do you call 3 mexicans breaking into somewhere? Trespassers
Just bought diapers and toilet paper because all my family does is shit.
I will do a lot of things but admiting I'm cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.
Anyone you can do, I can do better..
A man walks into a bar The bartender says "watch where you're going"
Whole Foods on Sunday is just a refugee camp for people with too much money.
Who is that walking up my driveway?! Anxiety in 3...2...1... [knock, knock] *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."
As a politician... You need to shake hands &amp; kiss babies... ...and take good care not to confuse the two.
in an era of declining male friendship, the rap crew is a more appealing concept than ever
What to do when a blonde throws a grenade at you... What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
There was a fire at the local university. It was a smoke-free campus, so everyone present was arrested.
[Last Supper] Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body *holds up wine* This is my blood And this is Sparta! *kicks Judas into a pit*
At a First Date Conversation At a first date: He: "I work with animals every day!" She: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" He: "I'm a butcher."
I needed a password at least eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...
Once upon a time, there was a Mexican family... that had only Juan kid.
I'm hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump's desk are completely different colours.
I like my coffee just how I like my slaves Free.
*gives up horoscopes for Lent *caves and reads horoscope "You are weak willed and lack conviction"
My friend has OCD and says he doesn't like white girls. Maybe because they can't even
The Pope walked into a bar and was arrested for diddling little boys.
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.
Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.
Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: &gt;:D
People are loving this whole 'birdie sanders' thing but... i don't recall a similar reaction when bill clinton got a bird to come
How much for these old batteries? For you? No charge.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn't have an "is online now" indicator
Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.
why dont women drive? because theres not road from the bed room to the kitchen
Teacher: Why are you Late Today? Student: Because of sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Student: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Q: What's the difference between a chicken and a grape? A: They're both green except for the chicken.
Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark! Help! I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot. But that's what makes me such a fun guy.
Trump is a godsend As in 1000 B.C. plague
Why do Jews always seem to find spare change laying around? They cents it.
I always thought that Last of Us needed more animals Nevertheless that giraffe scene with Ellie, fantastic.
Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.
On Facebook, my friend became a fan of Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and Nickelback. I became a fan of unfriending her.
Did you hear about the new text-a-fart service? It's just one cent per scent sent!
Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
What do you call a musical wreath made from $100 bills? Aretha Franklins
Why did the crazed Packers fan throw out all of Aaron Rodgers's forks? They were too Cutler-y.
What's Santa's favourite metal band? Sleigher.
I met my girlfriends dad last weekend, he told me "Anything you do to my daughter ill do to you on my front lawn!" I said "I suppose you'll be buying me dinner on your front lawn?"
News report: Al-Qaida training monkeys to use AK-47s in battle. Not only is that scary, it's pretty much the coolest thing I've ever heard.
Terrorists are so slutty They'll blow on the first date
Did you hear Bruce Jenner was in a car accident? He was unhurt but his tranny was damaged.
My friend died today... He wasn't able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I'll cherish it forever.
One wonders if actual douche bags are now available in Ed Hardy designs.
They say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife's parents are still married... ...and so are my girlfriend's.
Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.
Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband.
After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz. Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.
Africa and Asia are playing baseball Asia strikes out Africa, Europe
I hate people who steal the punchline. I'm keeping mine a secret.
Genderfluid? I just call that semen
Meet the parents
Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My vacuum cleaner is so good it collects dust even when I don't use it.
Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother? He: My name is paul.
It was time to show my girlfriend how i really feel.. so i showed her my hands..
Investment question If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.
Today, a midget insulted me, so I had no choice but to punch him in the face... I never thought I'd stoop so low
[strong] Zoroark, male, 50 Sebas
Been throwing up gang signs all morning. Must've eaten some expired gang signs
One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet... She died a week later.
Thought of this the other day as a 22 y/o... How do you win the vegetable race? You need to get ahead of lettuce
What's the best thing about being the 'third-wheel' for your friends in relationships? Nothing. It always fucking sucks.
What do you call a productive Asian? China get something done.
What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes? Social netwerking
Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits. JK. He was like, "I wanna marry you." And I was like, "K."
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon? Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.
I'm teaching my dog to jump through burning hoops. This is my 12th dog.
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
"I love the north pole and hate the south pole!, wait I love the south pole and hate the north pole!" ~ a bi-polar bear
Timmy walks in on his mother getting dressed... Now you're thinking of the time you saw your mothers breasts.
When Gregor Mendel did his groundbreaking experiments with pea plants, ... ...it was a classic case of publish or parish.
*Pearly Gates St. Peter: No way! Me as angel: It's the rules! SP: But the drugs and sweari- M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN! Snoop: Fo' Shizzle.
Why the new Apple Pencil isn't included with the new iPad Pro. There is no point.
Happier than a witch in a broom shop.
I asked my best friend if he was gay or not. I never got a straight answer.
A man fell into a river. Why did he refuse help? He was in The Nile
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
God likes Saturn more than he likes earth Because if he had liked it, he would of put a ring on it.
What is a buttress? A female goat.
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black? Have you ever tried to take a rib from a nigger?
Did you hear about the man whose vape device exploded while he was smoking it? It was a mind-blowing experience.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?  Phone her.
I've decided to start a new line of 'extra-shatter' measuring sticks. Because rulers were made to be broken.
Why is there a fence around the graveyard? Because people are dying to get in!
It's like "society" expects you to wear "different clothes" every day.
What do you call a rifle that fires 3 bullets at once? A trifle!
Why do the bald seem to handle life so much better than the rest? They're always eager for more on their pate.
Why did Mickey get hit but Donald didn't Because Donald Duck.
How do you know if your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick would taste like blood
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people and if you think this status is about you smack yourself for me!
Why isn't Mexico in the Summer Olympics? Everyone who can run, jump, and swim are already over here.
You're only as good as your last tweet.
A Russian goes for an eye check up The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY Doctor: Can you read this ? Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
Just a friendly reminder that the world supposedly ends in 73 days.
Recently, a Catholic hair stylist made news traveling around slandering the pope and Catholicism, angering many members of the faith. The pope denounced him... calling him a "hair-a-tick"
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I'd have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cliff ! Cliff who ? Cliff hanger !
Little Timmy lived in Flint But little Timmy is no more For what he thought was H2O Was PbSO4
Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?
Do not judge a book by its cover, unless there's a Swastika on the cover
I'm bad at misleading people Not
What do you call a man, with no arms or legs, in the middle of the ocean? fucked
What happened to the cross-eyed circumcist? She got the sack
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? I don't like my pizza burnt.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
What did the man without a voice box say?
Sharp and short! **Husband** : I love you! **Wife** : Not today!
My girlfriend broke up with me. When she did, I gave her a note that said "Great Job!" I wanted things to end on a positive note.
I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.
You've seen those mobile trucks for grooming pets, I just saw a mobile barbershop truck for humans and thought... I wonder if a dog drives that?
Flowers bee like
Read more Apple jokes
/u/kn0thing
My dad used to warn me about anal He said "Son, this might hurt a bit."
What does Harry Potter say when he wants a cigarette? Tobaccio
Woke up and saw my shadow and it looked fat. Six more weeks of self-loathing.
which came first the chicken or the egg? The rooster
What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change? The double slit experiment.
What do you call crazy testicles? Cuckoonuts
50 Cent used to be 1 Dollar... But now he's only half the man he was.
[my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab] I've never drank that much.... [wife looks at me in disgust] ugh, ok I have.
what did socrates learn from the T-rex? i dino
There is an American Olympic diver named "Steele Johnson". He could have a great job in adult films with that name...
Have you heard the one about the ceiling fan? Oh, it's over your head.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room."
Pepper spray does not taste like pepper.
What do you call a search engine that sings Christmas songs? Michael google.
Past, present and future walk into a bar... it was tense
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas  cake ? Your teeth !
Where did the Martian put his teacup? On his flying saucer.
What do you call a cross between a skunk, a wolverine, and a porcupine? "Sir" from a distance.
What do you tell a smelly Japanese person? Takashawa.
I like my coffee like I like my women Iced cold and milky white
What's do you call a tampon tutorial? A demenstruation
An environmentalist group found a place with the world's highest recycling rate... /r/Jokes
Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas? Me: drugs. Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.
There are 2 things in this world that i hate. 1. racism 2. black people
KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you. WOMAN: sure ME: OH GOD NO! KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.
A Priest and a Rabbi were walking down the street... when they passed a little boy. The priest leans toward the rabbi and says, "Lets's fuck him!" The rabbi asks, "Out of what?"
ok honey, you're going to love this movie. all you need to know is that "robocop" is short for "robot cop"
I guess if your a meth head You've only got one sleep until Christmas
What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds? Brexit
Guy says, "damn, there should be a law against having sex this good!" The girl said nothing, for the drugs had left her unconscious.
I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night. The mime next door went nuts!
I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.
Teach us About Absolute Zero! 0K!
Q: What country is ill? A: Germany.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Teacher: "Who built the first American car?" Student: "Me Pilgrims." Teacher: "The Pilgrims?"  Student: "Yeah they made the Mayflower Compact."
Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn't be called a "trust fall" if it worked every time.
My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don't worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.
I try to be a good sport, but sometimes I'm badminton.
When is it ok to snipe police officers? As Dallast resort.
I hate it when winter comes. It makes my wenis so dry.
Q: What happens when two snails fight? A: They slug it out.
Whats the difference between Gabrielle Giffords and her husband....... Her husband flies in a bullet whereas bullets fly in to her.... too soon?
A clown and a child walk into the dark woods.... The child looks up at the clown and says "I'm scared." The clown replies "You're tellin' me kid, I have to walk back alone."
What is a ghost's favorite street? A boooooooolevard.
What could you create with Starbucks caramel mocha chip frappuccino? The Audi logo and The Olympics logo.
*Skrillex' mother puts her ear to his bedroom door* *She hears constant bass drops* *Dad walks up* "Sounds like he's Wubbing one out.."
Hey Bradley Cooper's eyes: the most beautiful sky imaginable called - it wants it's color back
Big shoutout to the lazy, seven year old idiot who named Red Delicious apples.
Yo mama is so fat that we were unable to put her under for the surgery. I'm sorry, there's nothing we could do.
My cats are named Ra and Isis. In ancient Egypt, they would have been gods.
I love jewish comedians they never ham it up.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it and the other is a blonde.
The ocean isn't shark-infested. It's the ocean. That's where sharks live. We aren't supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.
What's the first sign of AIDS? A pounding sensation in the ass.
When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they'd probably do nothing to help. Today I stand corrected.
My girlfriend and I were talking about pets, she said she'd like to get a manatee. I just laughed and said, "Two sugars, please."
im smart. if asian equals pi then four times four is sixteen told you i was smart...
What did the druggie do when he got acid? Took some tums
TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway. Whoops, wrong sub.
is thinking that with their track record, buying condoms at a BP station is just taking too big a risk!
[blind date] "I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"
The old farmer hates when the horses neigh at night. The weird noises give him night-mares
If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.
What do bulls do math with? A cow-culator! (Cue groans)
#1: My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
How to get mustard out of your white shirt.. 1) go to a store 2) buy a new shirt
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket! *removes banana* How did you know? *begins to peel & eat banana* I'm still glad to see you though.
I named my iPod "The Titanic" Oh look! It's syncing now.
Anyone else want to join my all Mexican tribute band? We are called Juan Direction.
What do you call a bear without teeth? You call that fellah a gummy bear.
my agent sent me a list of my followers & circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby's deal
The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.... He serves up a great burger and fries.
What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you *why* you want fries with that
just got my nipples pierced! and they gave me a discount because I have so many!
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit.
I poured my root beer into a square cup Now I've just got beer.
If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors... Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.
So...Donald Trump was on The View today. I kept rewinding it and watching it trying to spot Elizabeth Hasselbeck's boner.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Did you hear about that new lesbian reversal medicine? It's called Trycoxagin.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Knock knock? Who's there? Come in. Come in who? Me.
Her: What do you do? Me: I drill for oil. G: That sounds interesting. M: No, it's really... H: Don't do it, I'll leave M:...just boring
How did Watson and crick blow their chance with a hot girl? They said, "baby you'd look good if you got a pair of skinny genes"
What do you get from a cow on the North Pole?  Cold cream!
What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare? They're practically non existent.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? 'Cause 7 was a Registered Sex Offender.
If body builders religiously try to gain weight.. Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?
What do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef.
The EU referendum I liken the EU referendum to being in a pitch black room with two men in a mandatory rape scenario with both of them telling you theirs is the smallest.
I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die... White man always leavin' me hanging
Charlie Sheen Says He Has HIV... Finally a positive in his life.
What's the difference between a refugee and E.T? E.T learned English and wanted to go home.
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend? Wipe his ass.
I've created a new type of bubble but I don't know how to describe it. It's indescribubble.
I'm always good at figuring out who dies first in a movie but sometimes directors fuck with me by casting too many black people...
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. "A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago"
"Any two-watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do. I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any." "Any what?" "Yes, please."
Do you have hair around your nipples? Is it particularly in the hair-eola? ... I came up with this the other night while half asleep. Be gentle.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails it'd be very difficult to aim.
Boy, I hate small talk. *coworkers all grimace* He's right behind me isn't he? *Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
A midwife delivered a baby and asked the mother " wow your baby has such lovely hair, does he get it from his dad?" The new mother replied " I don't know, he wore a hat"
What's the difference between a paycheck and a D**k? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Calling your girlfriend Dumbledore.. ..cause she's the real head master
It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.
what's harder than closing your blinds? My dick as I watch you through them
was that your rat running around here? - it is not a rat, it is a dwarf doxie - my cat ate it, meaning that's rat
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway. (might of already been posted)
Pretty offensive joke: Why does all Turkish men have a mustache? because they wanna look like their mother.
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... "Were you fired?"
What Did the Sadist Do to the Masochist? Nothing.
Weighed myself. Did elliptical for 30 minutes. Weighed myself. Half a pound heavier. Never exercising again.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won't eat a dog
dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets
Did you know that the Shitzu and Bulldog breeds can never crossbreed ever? Just kidding, that's bullshit.
Not all Girl Scouts are nice. Some silent fart while you're filling out the paperwork for Thin Mints and they don't even say they're sorry.
Why did the North Korean defect to South Korea? He did some seoul searching.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I entered an astronomy competition the other day... ...I didn't come first but I did get a constellation prize 
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage* CW: Oh my God, what happened? Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year
What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
Why was 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
9/11 Jokes aren't funny. The other 2 however, are hilarious!
What do you do when you want to hold a bunny? You grabbit.
Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive hookers? The FIFA headquarters.
Walking down the street today someone handed me a free air guitar... No strings attached...
Uncle Bill always gave 100% Son: How did he die Dad? Dad: He donated blood.
What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
Why are Jews so bad at maths? Cause they can never find the final solution
It must be tough to live in Europe. There's neither land nor way..
Have you heard of the grammar nazi? He is really anti-semantic...
What would call a person who isn't worthy of being looked at? Unseaworthy
Where do nazis go on vacation? The holocoast.
Funny Book Title Thread! I'll start: "How To Get The Most Out Of Your Bank Heists" by Fillmore Sacks
Why did the irishman wear two condoms? to be sure, to be sure.
Marvel is making a "Winter Soldier" standalone film and I get to play his roly poly sidekick. They call me...the "Summer Sausage"
What is Kanye West's favorite breakfast food? Omelette you finish.
There's 4 and a half inches of light snow outside ...or as most the men on Tinder would have me believe, 8 inches and really thick.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman Current body: Indoor couchman
"The holocaust didn't happen, Buzz Aldrin did 9/11 & I wear my mom's panties." - guy who doesn't know how to play 2 Truths & a Lie
A photon checks into a hotel... A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? DO IT YOURSELF YOU FILTHY MAN!
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow? He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.
Am I financially wealthy? No. But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then. God, I love my new Taser...
My friends bakery had burned down yesterday Now his business is toast.
I let a blind man borrow some money the other day He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me
Ugh. "What's wrong honey?" My bad knee is acting up again. *knee robs a gas station*
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. ............. JK rolling!
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*
You know it's a crazy party when the toilets smell less of puke than the dancefloor.
Why do elephants have four feet? Because six inches would look silly.
What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter? Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system
Kid Rock must be an Adult Rock by now.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bitch can suck my dick in the dark for all I care....
Hardcore I've just changed my first nappy. My wife doesn't like me wearing them but since I bought Call of Duty it means I get more game time.
I like my slaves how I like my coffee Free
I broke my arm in a couple places; know what the doctor said? "Stay out of those places!"
Lit a few candles after my power went out last night. My cat has been scared shitless ever since. Ever since I put the pussy on the chain wax
CAT: mew ME: indeed, u are correct kitty CAT: mew ME: well said, kitty, well said FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok...? Emotionally?
Why did the chicken cross the road? **To kill its self** This is no joke **#CHICKENLIVESMATTER**
What kind of modeling clay does a dog use?  Fi-Do!
You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.
Pretty unfair that sharks get a whole week and vampires only get a weekend.
To help me get to sleep I'm counting miners.
How does a physicist milk a cow? First, he assumes the cow is a sphere.
I need to know how to swim in pussy... ...cause im drowning in it
I've had enough of this shit. I thought to myself as i sat on the toilet for 3 hours.
Did you see the story about the missing dolphin? I'd tell you more about it but there's really no porpoise...
I try to fill the void in my life with food... But it always goes to shit.
The reason you can't go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.
[CIA] -We need you to kill the leader of Russia. "I'll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!" -Alright! Who invited PunMan?!
I'd probably be, like, 5% cooler if I wasn't terrified of being on a moving skateboard.
I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. *adds salt to resume*
s/o to the fact that ketchup is a smoothie b/c tomatoes are fruits lol DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING DID U FRIES OMNOMNOM
What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot? ISIS
Relationships are easy as pie! *burns pie*
Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can't be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Bad Joke You: Can you believe they're still together after all that crap Friend: Who? You: My butt cheeks!
I've just received my 14th Christmas card from the Alzheimer's Society.
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station on the other side! *bum bum chi*
I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it's very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..
A gorilla was shot I was playing pokemon go and the next thing i knew , a gorilla was dragging me around wtf mom
[first date] ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see
Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street)  Officer can you tell me how to get to the Hospital? Officer: Just stand where you are!!!
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit 'add your location' to a tweet.
Did you hear 50 Cent was selling concert tickets for just $0.45 cents?! It was featuring nickleback...
I just met a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds pretty freaky, *dozen tit.*
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
So many people on Facebook "Like" everything but grammar.
If We Elect Donald Trump President.
What's everyone doing for Seis de Mayo?
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run
How I feel when watching youtube... I dont mind the buffer ... I dont mind the adds... But when the ads buffer... I suffer
Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
I want my tombstone to read "Free WiFi" so people would visit more often
"Describe yourself in 4 words." Bad at counting.
What does Mexican binary code consist of? Zeros and Juans.
I broke up with my penis, so I wrote a song... Called "So Long".
Women who say, "Awwww..." after everything they hear are quite possibly the most annoying assholes on the planet.
I once lived opposite a slaughterhouse. The view from my bedroom was offal.
Why were the yearbook students expelled? They shot the whole school.
Women are like sand. The deeper you go, the wetter they get.
God hates fags He prefers a nice, fat, dank blunt.
Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Nascar Rain I think if NASCAR would quit being sponsored by the movie Noah we wouldn't have so much rain on race day :)
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
"Choas Theory"-themed restaurant: Eating Disorder
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don't touch the ground
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning? Straight talk.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses. -Every girl, ever.
Why are people leaving the Ukraine? I don't know but they sure are Russian.
What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved? Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....
What did the Dalai Lama say to the guy in the kebab shop? "Make me one with everything."
Sucks that these Crest strips only come in white
I don't like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won't stand them.
I like my cigarettes like my Instagram. \#nofilter Edit: learned formatting
When I get naked in the bathroom.. The shower usually gets turned on.
[moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I'M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
What do Ebola patients eat? Abola chicken noodle soup!
Bad grammar is my biggest pet peeve Their is nothing else than pisses me off more then seeing people use it.
What is the name of the Asian pointing out everyones mistakes? Xu wong
What does "IDK" mean? I keep asking people, but they don't know either.
What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.
I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa's lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas... The more you know.
Two wind turbines are having a paddle 1: What's your thoughts on renewable energy? 2: I'm a big fan.
My hamster died... He fell asleep at the wheel.
I'll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
In my interview for the binman job, I asked if you needed any special training... The interviewer said "nah you just sort of pick it up as you go along".
I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.
I worked at a Chili's when I was in college, which is so embarrassing. I usually just tell people I was a stripper.
How can you tell if a Redditor is an extrovert? During any conversation he's looking at YOUR shoes.
Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some music.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.
I bought a gun from Chekhov... I figure I'll have to use it at some point.
If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It's science.
Police officer asks driver if he recognizes himself. Police officer asks man if he recognizes himself. Then the driver pulls out mirror and says ''yes it is me''
I once shot an unarmed man Well I was the one to shoot of both his arms but still...
What does a baby diaper and Obama have in common? There both full of shit.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom's boyfriend Craig won't let me call him Dad when we hug?
Oriental Rugs and Tubs... could be a furniture store or a dyslexic whorehouse.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lube
So I just listened to Kanye's album... Dafuq?
A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow $50... His father replies: "40 dollars!, what could you possibly need to borrow 30 dollars for?!?"
Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'... ...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow? Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I'm never gonna give you UP.
You can extend the olive branch.. but you can't beat them over the head with it
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the olympic games? All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.
What happens when you step on an oily asian? Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.
sometime soon theyll all be screaming my name.. at the jamba juice because my order is ready and i am checking my phone
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents...
What kind of protozoa likes  Halloween? An amoeboo!
What would a Prius minivan be called? Post-us
Fidel Castro's last words Fidel Castro's final words were: "revive me I have the ray gun"
Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it
GOD: I call this Tupperware SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one G: yes S: make the lid a little smaller
I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible's first recorded STD.
So you got mustard on your jeans. Shut up about it. We live on a wet marble that flies circles around a giant burning star. Fuck your jeans.
My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said, "All right, fatty."
Did you hear about the Lord Of The Rings and Taxi Driver fanatic who had a bit of a stutter? He said to his friend, "Jay, R, R you Tolkein to me?"
Be Alert The world needs more lerts.
Divorce.... Is the fucking you get for the fucking you got!
Small penises are like iPhones with cracked screens... They serve their purpose but nobody really wants one.
A construction worker asked me to make a joke about the contents of his toolbox. Unfortunately, I don't have any drill bits.
Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed  wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years. I don't have 2020 vision, guys.
What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open? Ten-ish
6 things should be common in a Girl and Tea. Should be hot. should be strong. should be sweet. adequate milk. should be ready in 5 minutes. And lastly, won't let you sleep whole night :)
Is onamonapia.... umderstood by deaf people?
10 Money Saving Tips (Joke) http://travelmediacafe.com/2014/11/18/10-money-saving-tips/
LPT: Always make sure to post to the correct subreddit. It is an embarrassing mistake and most people will think you're an idiot.
Why did Adele cross the road? Because she wanted to say: &gt; Hello from the other side...
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.
What do Germans look at on the internet? Danke memes
Late night phone convo BF: Ok you hang up GF: No, you hang up BF: No, you first GF: Nooo, you first NSA: Shut the fuck up and hang up already!
All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn't miss the target every time he shoots.
It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too? K thanks.
What do you call a black astronaut? Invisible
Why did the bachelors purchase double amputee strippers for their party? Because they were 50% off!
So Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar... ...and says, "I'll have a shot." Did I just make up a new lame joke, or has this been done before? I think I need to sleep.
What did one lawyer say to the other? "we are both lawyers."
Abortions are so fun... ...they really bring out the kid in you
Why should Trump be careful of deporting Mexicans? It could go south so fast.
Why did the Seahawks win the 2015 NFC Championship game against the Packers? Because even Aaron Rodgers is a 12!
Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: You're an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer international arms dealer'.
I gave a blind man 10$ He told me he'll pay me back the next time he sees me.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He's the Easter Bungee!
What's in common between Batman and a black guy? They can't go into a store without Robin
Best Joke Ever... This US presidential election. Yup, I went there...
Knock, knock. Who's there? Alan Rickman and David Bowie. Alan Rickman and David Bowie who? Alan Rickman and David Bowie have both died recently.
What kind of government does Disney World have? A plutocracy
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Today a woman came into my doctor's office with a sexually transmitted mental illness. She was fucking crazy.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person? None.
Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe? Because the servers cannot be found
What us the difference between white, brown and black people? The time God took to cook us
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.;-)
Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!
His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...
*rings bell* "Can I help you?" Yes I'd like a dragon on my back an- *starts pooping on a crucifix* WTF? *checks sign on door* "Taboo Artist"
I play with my hair a lot because I don't have testicles.
Why is it a bad idea to give Elsa a balloon? Because she'll "Let it go! Let it go!" This joke was made up by my 5 year old nephew.
How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool? "Please get out of the swimming pool."
Me: This infomercial is so stupid. *10 mins later* Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?
Guess what came in the mail today I did, I ran out of tissue.
In this economy I sometimes have to make tough choices. Like between eating or buy that cover for my iPad.
The Detroit Lions have been given guns to subvert increasing violence in the area... ...local zookeepers fear the worst.
What do you call a cellphone company that uses nuclear power? Cher-Mobile
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you're looking for a life coach or whatever.
I'm sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
How many male chauvinist does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the wife can cook fine in the dark
When I got depressed, I joined the Army. I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.
What music is good to listen to while having a snack? 8 a bit music.
Most Offensive Jokes You've Ever Heard Dark/black humor, abortion jokes, dead baby jokes, show me your worst reddit. I'll start. What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics? - Walking
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a sinking boat. Who survives? America
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass.
Why did the fly eat all of the butter? He wanted to become a butterfly!
Bethesda Softworks announce that Fallout 4 will be postponed until April 2016 Don't worry you are on the jokes section
Heard this gem in the video game L.A. Noire. Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have saw it.
What's the most trifling thing about divorce when you have kids? Child custardy
What's the hardest part of milking a mouse ?  Getting it to fit over a bucket !
lol these ppl "don't see race" right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they're 18th century anthropologists
I hate niggers
Schrodinger's Cat is depressed Cat: No one came to my birthday party/funeral
Wife: Maybe its time for "the talk" Me: Ok. Son, cops can't bust you for the drugs you've done, just the drugs you have. Her: Not that talk!
How do you call a prison inmate? With a cell phone.
I can't stop drinking about you.
*Throws up some gang signs* *stabs self in eye with salad fork* Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Did you hear the joke about the bees? Its a bit long to tell you now but I asure you it was very honey!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator!
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because there was too much pride on his side.
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 15 years
Did you hear how the crazy camping show was last weekend? It was in tents.
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe? White vans.
What's shorter than Mt. Everest? Mt. Everer
How do you know you're in a modern art museum? If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.
I added Paul Walker on xbox the other day... Too bad he spends all his time on the dashboard. *Courtesy of my cousin*
@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
American girls A kid asked his Dad if he could have $10 for a guinea pig. His Dad says, "All I have is $5, why don't you find yourself a nice American girl."
Did you know Paul walker was on the radio when he died? He was also on the dashboard, the windscreen and the steering wheel.
I recently had to stop making clothes for nuns... It was habit-forming.
Got all the way to the car and realized I left my keys back at the office The two things I hate most in life: 1. ISIS and 2. Accidental exercise
What did the fat guy give to the fat girl? Just the tip...
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
At least I have all day sober to Sunday up.....
My parents once sent me abroad for the summer I didn't learn a thing from her.
Weed strin humor At the dispensary there is a strain called Aldous Huxley. If you smoke it with your wife she becomes sterile. #LegalWeedJokes
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you can't pee soup.
40% of Americans over 60 believe... ... that they were at Woodstock.
Just watched a pirated movie On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14
How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job? Marry her.
Why do we hate making up gay jokes? Because it's always a pain in the ass
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends? because they can't protect their towers
I love milk... It's got lots of cowcium.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? In a police car, the pricks are on the inside.
I just used Oxi Clean for the first time, and it's amazing. I'm starting to think Michael Jackson put it in his bath water.
Why do mice have a hole in their bottoms? Because otherwise they would be unable to track movement and move the cursor in the computer screen.
I always get told off when introducing my wife... Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate.
Some of you are like family to me. I don't want you calling me either.
Been married six months and I can't even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Hi, I'm black and I can't stand the stereotype that we are all criminals. -Sent from your iPhone
A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes...
History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the "Lazy Susan", but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife.
Wanna hear a joke? Serving sizes
How long are you supposed to wait to return a boy's call? This IRS guy sounded pretty into me
What do vegan zombies eat? ~Graaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnsssssss
This third bottle of wine has turned everything into a microphone.
I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing She's behind with the washing.
my wife wouldn't let me wear my pajama jeans to her awards luncheon thing because you can "see my balls through them" smh
Gas goes in the butt and out the mouth - Cigarettes
If you know someone who has too many kids, buy them a game of Jenga So they'll learn to pull out
Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula's dentist.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don't know if he was scared of what I'd do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If a bunch of nuns wanted to help small business, they could create their own small business writing business plans... And call it 'Nun of Your Business'
[Dirty] Why do men like golf so much? It makes it possible for them to go from hole to hole with an iron in their hands.
I've no idea why I'm a virgin. But I'm guessing it's because my Siamese twin is really ugly.
Yo mama's so mean... She's got no standard deviation!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire? A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.
[zoo] "This is the bear kids" Wow I want his arms "What? You cant ha.." *kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment* "Bring him the arms smh"
"What do we want?!" "TIME TRAVEL!" "When do we want it?!" "IRRELEVANT!"
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A BABOOM!
Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma'am without adding, "You're making a scene"
[first date] Me: You into role playing? Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind? Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking a chicken.
Me *about to get hit by a bus* OH SHIT I'M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?
[Corny] Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack
Don't fall in love. You will get feelings and die.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
How to even in three and half easy steps. I literally can't even.
What's the worst part about /r/meirl moderators? [Deleted]
Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains Well pull yourself together then
"You have to be pretty bad at math to use a calculator to check 3rd grade homework." -My smartass kid to me just now.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Agnes ! Agnes who ? Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe !
What does it mean to be an Agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia? You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything.
If an interviewer asks you: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" say "I don't know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?"
Hear about psych on netflix? Thats messed up
What's miley cyrus's favourite color? twerkquoise
I'm gonna try and shoot the whole school Said the yearbook photographer
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please
You prefer white wine over red? For god's sake, try and see the world with some claret-y
"I'd like a nice stiff entendre please." - Want me to make it a double? "I'll just take it as it comes."
I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe We met at a Chess tournament and I've never once beaten him in a game. He's my Czech mate
I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl... I dunno, I thought she was older than that. I guess that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.
who needs people when you got pizza
"I'm not a fan." -air conditioner
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have pricks on the OUTSIDE.
I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like "Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute..."
Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses. Free accommodation. 10 weeks paid leave per year. Company car. Generous pension scheme. You know where to apply.
My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Happy Hints To brighten your day, instead of going to the gym, go to Walmart You will feel a lot better about yourself
I really hate when people get brie confused with similar cheeses. I camembert it.
What do you call a pile of blessed black waist sashes? A Benedictine Cumberbatch.
there once was a wonderful poet who knew that one day he woud blow it cuz his poems woud rhyme most of the time but occasionaly they didnt
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Not paying more than $2,000 a kilo. And can we stop communicating through Twitter? I feel like these DM's are going to go public someday.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Oh you're in the shower? Here's the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Have you ever worked on a farm.. Because you sure know how to raise my cock!
Looking for Sympathy? You'll find it between Shit and Syphilis in the dictionary.
Yo momma so fat She got an event horizon.
Why do people take acid at raves? Because there's so much base.
French toast I saw on the menu at a small restaurant 10% more French in your toast and I asked the waitress what that meant and she said. "We swear at it"
What did Tom Riddle's calculator tell Harry Potter? 8008132
How did Jared lose 30 pounds? He dumped his girlfriend.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven't even read it yet, but somehow folks think it's cool to give key plot points away
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!!!!
Where do you see yourself in five years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
Q: What do clouds wear under their clothes? A: Thunderware.
What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I came to work naked. I want to be a porn star. Now I'm just unemployed.
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, my farts sound like a motorbike" Doctor says "you have an abscess" Man says "how do you know?" Doctor says "because abscess makes the fart go Honda"
If Bill O'Reilly and Barbara Walters got married what would they name the baby? Baba O'Reilly
The band's name is 1023 MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a book? The book has papers
How do you know when a Jewish chef is done cooking? You check the oven.
What do you call a fruit that is a vegetable? A crippled homo.
A man goes to the doctor... After looking at the man for 2 minutes the doctor says: "Mr. Willow, you need to stop masturbating!" "Why, doctor?" "Because I can't exmine you otherwise!"
Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?
A bunch of Jewish folks walk into a bar... Mitzva and celebrate Oscar's thirteenth bithday.
Study: 'Masturbation helps cure the common cold' Hope so, I've got no tissues left.
A priest, a rabbi, and a scientist walk into a bar... and have a wonderful conversation about politics.
It's awful that those other chipmunks force Alvin to wear an A on his sweater just because he's an adulterer.
Hoe do you call a dog that likes to be on the internet. A Labragoogle.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...
*a spider slowly rolls past my house on a tiny skateboard* "kids, go to the bomb shelter. it seems my past has finally caught up with me"
Why can't a T-Rex clap it's hands? Because it's dead
Have you got a copy of  "Living with a small penis ?" Librarian  "I don't think its in yet" "Yep thats the one"  I replied
Had a job interview yesterday and was asked how much I was worth so I got up to leave. They ask me if there is a problem? Yes there is, I can't afford to live off that.
What do you call a dinosaur from the Middle East? An Iran-asaurus!
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes kids and gets away with it.
How do skeletons reproduce? They don't.
How does any girl have less than 90 thousand Instagram followers?
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she could moan with the other.
It's pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.
I feel really bad about being at this girl's house last night. I came in seconds. Besides that, what kind of shitty name is that for a cat?
In America, you're the bomb is a complement. In Iraq, you're the bomb is the argument.
What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends? The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.
1) Bake cake. 2) Don't cut it into pieces. 3) Eat the whole thing. 4) Claim I ate "only one piece of cake."
Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner? Because he was Baroque.
How do Mexicans greet Dr. Seuss? Jesus!
Why did Sally drop her ice cream? Because a semi truck hit her.
Q: What's the good part about having alzheimer's? You can hide your own easter eggs.
You're not fat. You're just... easier to see!
What do you call a sleeping prisoner? Under a-rest.
I sexually identify as Counter Strike... *And I'm globally offended*
How do you see if the Ken doll is ticklish? Give him test tickles.
What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? "Worse case of suicide I ever saw."
My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian, it's like I've never seen herbivore!
"Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan's sex/ Manafort, Putin's pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn't start the fire..."
I like my women like I like my beer Stout and bitter
Yeah, I'm basically a Pokemaster. *waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
What's the number one comeback on r/Jokes? Riposte.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
What's the difference between a dirty parking lot and a crab with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
What does a Spanish cow say? Muuuuuuuey!
Wanna hear a racist joke ? Donald Trump
Where do pedophiles get the wedding rings? They go to Jared.
My wife turns over and accidentally kicks me in the nuts. I gasp. She gasps. Then she raises her arms and yells, "I WIN! I WIN!"
I visited a real graveyard this Halloween I logged back into Google Plus.
I sexually identify as a pansexual And I have a fetish for cast-iron
What do you call the underground slave trade? The black market.
I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
"Why are you wearing?" - existentialist reporter on the red carpet
What do you call a hacker who stays home when it snows outside? Edward Snowed-in!
Gawker must have been playing The Oregon Trail 'cause they just died of dissin' Terry.
A married couple walks into a bar.
*Goes into debt Debt: Wrong hole.
You're the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.
What did the Physics professor say to the fat kid in school? "You've got a lot of potential!"
Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other... They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.
I bought my epileptic boyfriend a strobe light for his birthday. He's gonna have a fit when he sees it.
Pretty sure the "FINISH HIM" guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy  traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics.
How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it.
Chicken Joke Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get to your house. Knock knock -Who's there? The chicken.
You know what's great about being single ? Fucking everything
I always heard it was OK to date a nun... as long as you don't get into the habit.
If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
On April Fools Day a mother put a fire cracker  under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
Why does it take so long for a pro-lifer to screw in a lightbulb? They love to watch mistakes being made.
My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska. He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.
I think the government caused all the snow in the South Cause I'm Snowden
Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.
Do the right thing. Not right away, but like after you get called out.
'I like the smell of your meat' may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
why did my wife didn't like her jewellery? cuz she is a nazi
Happy International Women's day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.
What game do reindeer play in their stalls? Stable-tennis!
Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."
If she says, "I'm OK," you're fine. If she says, "I'm Fine," You're not OK.
"And the Lord said unto John.......
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us ME: yes...why do i want this job INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.
Is chicken soup good for your health ? Not if you're the chicken !
I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night I wanted my first time to be special.
Holy Communion: PRIEST:"This is the body of Christ. Take it " ME:"Uum,can I instagram it first?" *We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
So I Organized a three-way last night... There was a couple of no-shows, but overall, it worked out fine.
I've just enjoyed a meal of Chicken Tarka Masala... It's like Chicken Tikka, only otter.
What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Grrrains.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
What shampoo do dragons prefer? Head &amp; Smolders
What does caravans and women underwear have in common? Both are in the way if you are in a hurry
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
I like my women like I like my Little Caesar's pizza- Hot &amp; Ready.
What does a paedophile like to do while on vacation? Get some son.
Standing in the Park wondering why... I was standing in the Park wondering why Frisbies appear larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
You what's great about dick jokes? They're just so easy to slip in there
I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend... I do miss him.
I wouldn't create a palindrome for a Klondike Bar. But I'd... Murder for a jar of red rum.
What do a baby and a pancake have in common? If it s black it ain t good
Why is it so hard for programmers to get a prescription for pain killers? They have a history with codeine.
Life is like a penis... Life is like a penis, simple, chilled and free. It's women who make it hard... And kids who make it harder.
My neighbor just threw out the biggest trash I have ever seen.. Boy, I will surely miss Mrs. Jones
An M&amp;M for 50 cent!? That's Ludacris!
I accidentally mixed the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in with the regular butter and NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
If you're going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I lost my job performing circumcisions I just couldn't cut it.
[doorbell] "Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?" "You have cookies?" "No, sir I-" "Come back when you have cookies." *closes door*
Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with "mad cash" on your face?
Q. What's the rudest type of Elf? A. The GofuckyoursElf.
What do you say when comforting a grammar nazi? There, their, they're......
My dad could kick ur dads ass! Um have u seen my dad Hes a big guy huh? No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
did you hear about the cannibal in school? it was a struggle, but eventually he passed the class.
My best friend kept bragging about his expensive yacht Had to tell him to stop showboating.
When a person says a book is so good they can't put it down, but yet, are not holding that book. This is why I have trust issues.
How are babies like hinges? They are things to adore
KONY 2012 What Uganda do about it?
HR: You know why you're here? Me: So we can be alone? HR: Your new nickname is a problem. Me: We all have them. HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
What's the difference between a petri dish and white people? A petri dish develops a culture.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irish family? None
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?
what is the hardest part of eating a veggtable. might be offensive. THE WHEEL CHAIR!
Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors!
Thinking that you're on speaking terms with God is like finding out you've been playing both parts in an episode of "Catfish"
What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme!
My friend had one of those novelty leg lamps from the Christmas Story movie, but he lost it recently... Now he's a lamputee
Grandad: hey Sonny, what's the name of that German? Grandson: for the thousandth time grandad, it's Alzheimer
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If I learned anything from Forest Gump it's that people who love to run are retarded.
Choosing between Trader Joe's and Whole Foods is white people's real Twilight.
A man and his zebra There lives a man and his zebra Jose. Jose is hard of sight. Every morning, just at dawn, the man takes out Jose and askes him "Jose, can you see by the dawn's early light?"
Rappers, you don't have to tell them to wave their hands like they don't care. They're millennials: they already don't care.
My wife said sex with me is like a supersoaker water gun! Just two pumps and a squirt!
As a cop, I can't play PokemonGo... So I play Pokemon blacks: Gotta catch Jamal.
What did Joe Hill say when someone asked if he was Joe King? "No, I'm dead serious."
I was gonna make a joke about black people... , but it's too dark.
Did you hear about the guy who was told his genitals hadn't developed properly? He got a little testy.
You know it's a really good bar when there's a couple outside breaking up.
My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. Because they always take things literally.
Sorry, there's a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they're not funny.
What happened to the Marine that took a laxative? He was relieved of doodie.
What do you call someone who believes rotten eggs smell bad, but doesn't care? An eggsy-stench-alist.
I'm the Jason Bourne of avoiding people I know at Starbucks.
[traffic stop] COP: where ya headed? ME: on my way home COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat* ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you
Martin Shkreli.
Why did Dory warn Nemo about escaping through the toilet? Because it was a sewer side mission!
What do Romeo and Juliet have in common with melons? They both cantaloupe.
If Excel had a record label.... It would be Excel ENT. I'll see myself out.
What Time Is It? Its time for lunch.
My girlfriend told me I need to spice things up in the bedroom... So I told her I would cumin her pussy. (That joke only works sometimes because it's seasonal)
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud
What was the jew doing in the ashtray? Family research.
I got the eye of the tiger ... and a lifetime ban from my local zoo.
I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!
You what the opposite of premature ejaculation is? Ejacu-late
What do you call a jew who works at a brewery? A he brew.
I might go to the airport and hold up a sign that says "BABES" and hope I get lucky.
Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers.
My fairy godmother asked me "Do you want a long penis or a long memory?" I don't remember my answer
That's nice that you're a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?
If you don't know the difference between there, their, and they're... Your a moron.
What do you call a woman in heaven? An Angel A crowd of women in heaven? - A host of Angels And all women in heaven? - PEACE ON EARTH!
How does a woman go about inventing something? She gives birth to a boy.
[in hell] Me: *sneeze* The devil: bless you Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool the devil: DAMN YOU Me, floating back to hell: dang
Why did the midget get slapped? Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled.
Why aren't burgers the least bit scared of Halloween? They're used to people 'goblin' them!
What is Jared Fogle's favorite meat in his Subway subs? 9 year old weiners
Ever since I got my antivirus check done on my computer. Single Asian ladies don't wanna do it with me anymore.
How can you tell if someone has a Jamaican accent? They roll their J's.
Why do old men take Viagra? It stops them from rolling out of bed.
Did you hear about the starving horse? He was so hungry, he ate himself
If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated
If there's two things I hate, it's racist people and niggers.
just ordered so much food the delivery guy gave me four sets of utensils but it's okay I still love myself
Why did the narcissist with multiple personalities and a propensity for domestic violence only have one black eye? Because she didn't need to re-beat himself.
What is the Italian postal motto? We know where **you** live, your family too!
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately she's had a lot of problems with squatters.
What's a Ninja Turtle's favorite equation? A radical equation.
What do you do if an Elephant breaks his big toe? Call a big toe truck.
Yo mama is so ugly that she gave Freddy Krueger nightmares.
Did yo hear about the Hillary special at KFC? Two fat thighs and a left wing for $2.99
Shout out to Mother Earth! She's 4.6 billion years old and still getting hotter.
Why couldn't the taxidermist finish anything he started? Because he kept getting side tracked by pet projects
How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!
I thought for my whole life that air was free... ...then I bought a bag of chips.
Tried to inhale a pot seed to see if I could grow a pot plant in my lungs. Swallowed it instead and got a pot belly.
An ostrich commits grand heresy against the empire. He is promptly ostrichized. No? ok.
What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time? I'm Thor
What does a pig put on his cut? Oinkment
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen
I'm hung like a baby boy. About 20 inches long, 14 inches around, weighs about 9 pounds.
[first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "...& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I saw that you "liked" my status. You want me, don't you?
How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
Why do people say "Be there or be square"? Because if you're not there, then you're not around.
The George Dubya Bush Presidential Library burned down... All three books were destroyed. Two of em hadn't even been coloured in yet.
Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. U know i'm right.
I have 2 donuts: a secular one and a religious one. The secular one is solid. The religious one is holey.
I'm just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions...
Please help, my email isn't twerking.. I think there is something cyrusly wrong.
What does a racist baker exclaim? white flour!
Why did the blind lady fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
I didn't post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I've already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials
How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
If we're strictly talking body count, then I'm a morning person.
What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called? Dr Whoover
Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Parenting 101 1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
What does a Mexican duck say? Guac Guac
I only have a beard so I can scratch it while I judge.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again
I have a friend named "Chris Hoffman" I asked him to name his son Jack.
I miss my dog so much since he died, I just paid a homeless guy to come over and take a shit on my kitchen floor and then eat it.
What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff? Baa-Dum-Sss
Reddit will end with not a bang, but a Pao.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the wrong face?"
How do telegraph operators apologize? Remorse code
The teacher asked Jimmy "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
What You're Saying with Your Drink Choice Lol
At the risk of offending my fans, I finally bought an air conditioner
The best pickup line I have a weapon in my pants. It's so strong it could destroy Uranus.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don't use a condom
You're spending a lot of time at that  computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked? No they've always been blue!
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a trinary joke.
How do animals cross the ocean? On a Gir-raft.
I had a really good joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty!
So I got a piece of ass this morning... my finger slipped through the paper.
How does a train eat? They Chew-Chew.
Why is the robot good at one night stands? Because he nuts and bolts.
New phone My sister got an Iphone 5c. I asked if I could C it she said "No" so I said SIRI ously
Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out?...He was already taking out a tooth
It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means... Jesus was a repost.
*tries to mount a horse* Horse: "I have a boyfriend."
You hear about the newswoman with one boob? She kept abreast of the current issues. (go easy...just made this up)
Why has there never been a military dictatorship in America? Because they don't have an American embassy over there.
Who isn't white or black but shows you no color? A Rod
Yo momma so old.... She has a separate entrance for black men.
God all I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't change me.
What's the best drink for a dog? An old faschund.
Just ate two bacon cheeseburgers, so if anyone wants to come rob me, I won't be getting up.
How many cats does it take to make a fur coat? None! Cats can't sew!
A man walks into a library to check out a book for men with small penises. The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"
"Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.
What does my ex and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.
President Lincoln "I'm going to miss you, President Lincoln," said John Wilkes Booth. Booth lied. He didn't.
Saudi TV Mistake Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.
Me: C'mon, baby. Send me a pic. Her: I dunno. Me: Baby, please. I need it. Her: Fine. *Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck* Me: Sweeeeeet
What's grey and comes in quarts? Elephants
if formula for area of a circle is true, whats the shape of pi. square
Seven days without Mexican food.... Makes Juan weak.
I heard some new music today and I can't be sure if I liked it or not. It was called Schrodinger Scat.
Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can always unscrew a light bulb.
The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you
This fly I just killed in my apartment is more talented than every celebrity that tweets on this fucking site.
Goldman Sachs is trimming bonuses. Conan O'Brien's payout is only $32 million. Anyone know where we can text-message our donations?
Q: What do you call a bunch of dead black people in a barn? A: Out dated farming equipment.
What do you call a midget psychic on the run? A small medium at large.
My next door neighbour just confronted me about her clothes going missing from the washing line .. I nearly shit her pants
Whats black and thin and all over my private parts? Dead African Children
How did Jesus feel when they crucified him? He was cross.
So I'm banging this guy from behind... ... and he turns around to kiss me, and I say "Whoa, buddy. I'm not gay!"
Six U.S congress men die and go to heaven.
"I may be fat, but you're ugly  I can lose weight!"
Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...
What do you call a man with no shin Toe knee
What's the worst part about being black and jewish? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
out of all the lies ive told just kidding is my favorite. I don't get it?
What is Dwight Schrute's hometown? Nanda Parbeets.
My parents are mixed raced. My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani. ~ Stewart Francis.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
Girls are like math problems... If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.
What is the difference between my car and Whitney Houston? My car can hit 50.
Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Life is life, Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium.
How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend? About a quart to pound her with cheese.
I told this guy I was arguing with if he stepped one more step closer I would hit him in the face, but he kept walking right to me. I guess he didn't understand the punchline.
The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Nun Impersonators
What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? OBAMA'S tie
What did the dejected man say to the considerate calculator trying to console him? It's the bot that counts.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his nephew in the jungle? ...
i must be really good on the phone Whenever I call a company, they tell me they are going to use my call for training purposes.
I hit a can of bug spray with a hammer and my dad walked in the room. He caught me beating Off
Police: Viagra on the Rise as Recreational Drug Amongst Urban Youth The Boys in the Hood are always hard.
Name please "Yo-Yo Ma" Your full name [quietly] "Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade"
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY "No thanks, I'll eat something else."
My Grandpa got his tongue shot off in the war... But He never talks about it.
What's the difference between boogers and rice pudding? Nobody eats rice pudding.
9: What did that message on the TV say Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen 9: How do they know what size TV we have?
"Hi?" -First cow being milked
What are the strongest days? Saturday and Sundays. The others are weakdays
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Abortion clinics are awful. But their smoothies are to die for.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are "cute"
Whats the difference between a priest and acne?? Acne waits until your 12 to come on your face.
My mom let the street raise me, which is why the only things I'm really good at are letters, numbers, and talking like Cookie Monster.
"Knok Knock " -"Knok Knock." ="Who's there ?" -"Grandad" ="Shit, stop the funeral" credit: Gary Delaney
I haven't made egg jokes in a while I thought I'd take a crack at them
50 shades of hay [50 shades of hay](http://imgur.com/YRGs7P0)
The symptoms of Ebola... ... are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea &amp; stomach pains. The exact same kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone and messages ..
Two Irishman walk out of a pub. It could happen.
Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.
Death Joke "My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die." "Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?" "The judge told him."
I go to the gym religiously. You know, once or twice a year around the holidays.
Why are camels known as the ships of the desert? Because they're filled with Arab semen.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!
McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.
You know, gas prices really aren't that bad when you consider that you're essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU'RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
What do you call a party with no Filipino people? A no-Nguyen scenario.
The police are looking for a thief with one eye Why don't they use two?
Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh it's all right. I know what's inside.
What's smaller than a teenie weenie ant? An ant's teenie weenie!
I'm wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I named my eraser Confidence It gets smaller every time I make a mistake.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*Tries to hit the gym* *Gym hits back*
MATH JOKE: The ladies call me an integral ...because I fill the area under their curves
What's Rick Grimes' favorite holiday? Christmas, Carl
The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding... It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!
After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c*nt.
Her: You know when you're craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead... Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
Calling Sony comments"racially insensitive remarks" instead of "racist"? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don't make it a sundae.
Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer? He had loco motives
[commercial] Narrator: These are real people and not actors- Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!
What will men do if women become extinct? Domesticate another animal.
I skipped the 9 puns and killed the last one. That's a pun in ten dead.
I've seen: UFOs Ghosts A Two Headed Turtle Kimodo Dragons But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people. ^im ^so ^sorry
If you have a dog grooming business and it's not called "Doggie Style" then something is wrong with you.
I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.
My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John's but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
"Pikachu, use astonish!" *Leans into opponent's ear* "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams."
I've always wanted a job cleaning mirrors... It's just something I can see myself doing.
What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant? A plaid tie.
Respond to every "How was your weekend?" today by staring off into the distance & whispering "So much blood..."
I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
Why don't old women ever have sex? ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Text from niece: I'm board! M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling. N: Wat?
Why are TV's attracted to people? Because we turn them on. /*Badumtss*/
Every time I see an obese family at a buffet, I throw a sack of marbles onto the table and have a live showing of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
A man visits a prostitute The man says, "I want to have sex with you for $200, but then I also want to hit you" The prostitute asks, "For how long?" The man replies, "Until I have my money back!"
Why did the Titanic have a hard time getting a date? It couldn't break the ice.
What makes light beer and having sex on a canoe essentially the same thing? They are both fucking close to water.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren't worth it.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Why didn't the Smurfs fit in the house? There wasn't [mushroom](http://i.imgur.com/Yt9AWCO.jpg)
Him: why doesn't anyone want me? Me: I want you. Him: why doesn't anyone else want me?
In hell, your socks are always wet
A bunch of police officers were outside of a gas station today Apparently someone threw a case of beer ontop of his baby. The baby is okay though, it was a light beer
Apparently googling "how to get suspended with pay" from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.
[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads] Whoa thats messed up you better quit it! [ISIS breaks old rocks] OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.
Where does Amy go after the explosion? EVERYWHERE!!!
Guns don't kill people People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it's impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
"You know what? Guys should play ALL the parts. We could even wear dresses and kiss and stuff." - Shakespeare's gay friend
Noisy Nights by Constance Norah
Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope.
What did one dog say to the other when he wanted a marker? "Pass the Shar Pei, please."
What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast? Head Russian...
The best part of September is fucking with Green Day during their hibernation.
What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house? I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.
What is the difference between Donald Trump's hair and a Headcrab? Nothing.
When you're alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what's up.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
i know i'm getting old because i'm grumpy, i sleep early, and the devil appears with an empty hourglass whenever i shut my medicine cabinet
What do you say if your mom sees you having sex? You say: Look mom, no hands!
What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns? Go for the juggler
I was gonna tell you guys a gay joke... ...butt fuck it
Why can't Iron Man stay in a steady relationship? He has rust issues.
What do you have left after you burn a French alphabet? H Edit: I don't like explaining jokes but since the first guy didn't get I might as well: When pronounced in a French accent it sounds like ash.
Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner? Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes...
How many American cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb? Two. One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.
Totally Original Roses are Red Violets are Blue Some Poems Rhyme This one doesn't
A Nerd joke.. A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."
sapnu puaS Read it upside down
In a perfect world a "Party Pooper" would be someone who could shoot confetti out of their butt.
Knock, Knock... Who's there? Peas. Peas who? *Peas pass the butter*
There was an old lady at a ATM today, she asked me if I could help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What kind of juice does hitler drink? Concentrated juice.
Never feel worthless! Your organs are worth thousands.
Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background: 1. Autumn Leaves 2. Toenail Fungal Infection 3. Country Cabin 4. Alarmed Possum
The photo technician got caught masterbating to people's photos They charged him with "indecent exposure"
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Grunge Barbie ...with flannel shirt and a goatee
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion? Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I was going down on my grandmother the other day... When I tasted horse semen, and I thought "huh, that must be how she died."
All i'm saying is, before Back to the Future 3, he was fine.
a horse walks into a bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face"? The horse says, "I have cancer".
A man goes to a $3 hooker He contracted crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"
What's worse than a lobster on your piano? Crabs on your organ!
chocolate just tastes better when you pretend a fat German kid drowned in it
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
What's worse than a lobster on your piano? Crabs on your organ.
What do you call... What do you call four mexicans standing in quicksand? Cuatros Cincos
Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later.
Yeah, I knew Shakespeare in college. Typical neck bard.
I don't always date people with... I don't always date people with chromosomes... But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.
I told a friend of mine that me and other friends were talking about him behind his back. He told me, "You disgust me." And I said, "Yes. Yes we did."
What does a tight-rope walker eat for breakfast? A Balanced Diet!
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.
Me trying to impress a girl Girl: I'm Into horror movies Me: My dad's a serial killer
No matter if you are American or European 9/11 is a sad date
I went for my prostate examination this morning.After inserting a finger into my arse and having a good feel around, the doctor looked at me and said, "that should be my finger, not yours"
Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
My doctor just told me I'm suffering from paranoia. Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking.
Making Asian food is easy... It's a WOK in the park
Wearing 'EarPods' is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
If short people smoke weed... If short people smoke weed, do they get high or medium.
Her: Do you kik? Me: Like rocks? Her: .......
Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe? More doors.
A dog owner tells his dog.. Owner: "Who's a good boy?" Doggo: "Did you just assume my gender?!"
What do you call a skank playing "H.O.R.S.E?" She missed two shots, so she's a ho.  I'll leave now.
I doubt Vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot
They demolished my local Domino's Pizza shop... yesterday, and then all the other shops on the street fell down.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Family size or very determined single person size?
What do you call a Chameleon that cant change colors? A reptile dysfunction...
I think it's about time Taylor Swift wrote a song and called it "Maybe I am The Problem".
me as a realtor: This house does include a crawl space. It's probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.
Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You'd think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they'd be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.
My friend is always looking for trouble... Which is good because he's a cop.
Pokemon GO is trying to fix its servers... It's not very effective.
Where did the general put his armies? In his sleevies.
Why can't you tell Walter White a knock knock joke? Because he is the one who knocks.
Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps? All his comebacks take three days..
A blind man walks into a bar, and a chair, a table, and a human.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Whats the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler? Usain bolt can finish a race. Edit: Grammar
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall* Well... sounds like a problem for the next person.
Did you hear about the broken watch from the 1800's? It was a timeless classic.
On his first day, my gay friend lost his job at the sperm bank. He was caught drinking on the job.
You say "tomato," I say "tomato," and there, we've written our own wedding vows
There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator Only a fraction of people will get this.
Big bad wolf says to LittleRedRidingHood: Ho-ho-ho - I'm going to eat you all up! LittleRedRidingHood says: "Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anyone wanna fuck anymore?"
ducks love bread but aparently bread is bad for ducks, so dont feed ducks bread, but love ducks even more bc theyre self-destructive like us
BAlls and Pen*s are best friends Balls to penis: why the fcuk you leave me when u see a hole or 2 mountains? Penis: coz thats the only time i really need you
I started observing extremists Wanted to find out what made them tick... tock... boom
Q: What's big, red, and eats rocks? A: A big red rock eater.
How is a Bill Cosby better than Ronda Rousey? He's never met a woman he hasn't knocked out.
"No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door" *Door slams - Jehova's Witnesses
I don't mean to be a party pooper but... where's your bathroom?
I used to feel tired and sluggish. nothing could get me out of the house. then i tried MethTM and boy did i burn my house down
[Different version] How to be insulting Never mind, you wouldn't get it
- Are you sure? -defenet... difini... difine... YES IM SURE!
[Interview] "Tell me your weaknesses" Me: Well, I.. *wife busts in* He's a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? I take my shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween? Happy halloweenie
A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER. When he wakes up he tells the doctor: "I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor replies: "I know, I cut your arms off."
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say "Matt?" My name will always be Matt.
Didn't u hate it when as a kid u got the "mystery flavor" lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?
Irony is lost on kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally.
Someone once told me that nothing rhymes with orange ... I said, "no it doesn't...."
I hadn't seen it in a while, but at a concert last night I saw someone using a disposable camera... It gave me a flashback
How come Greek salad doesn't have any lettuce? Austerity.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
There's a new terrorist group targeting gorillas It's called Boko Harambe
Justin Bieber was "Baptized" last night.... Or as the church likes to call it... "A failed attempt to drown Bieber"
Thinking of getting another bed just for all my laundry
I wear glasses during math, Because it improves division.
I saw a train today... It seemed really angry.
Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
Welcome, take off your pants ...and jacket.
Whats so great about twenty-five year olds? There's 20 of them! (I can't believe this isn't a repost.)
Joe Jackson is the first father in history to successfully beat the black out of his son. http://i.imgur.com/AbZiowN.jpg
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that's God's Way of saying "Nope".
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? a pilot
What are three signs old age? 1. Becoming forgetful
What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman? Lots.
Marathon Just won my first marathon. I am experiencing the thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.
Only assholes name drop. Bruce Springsteen told me that.
I didn't sleep very good last night... So I put some Monster Energy drink in my coffee this morning. I got halfway to work before before I realised I forgot my car.
What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"? Wars end.
Have you guys heard about the new internet milk? It's for cereal.
Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can.
Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to the theater the other day? He stole the show!
It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What are your best corny jokes? I want them all! "What's brown and sticky?" "A stick."
My psychic friend is really excited about this new year. You could say he's really looking forward to it.
What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song? Cremia River
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who's got access to filters
Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.
If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he's my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
You'll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.
Each of my 4 children has made me a better parent. So I figure I only need 34 more kids to be a pretty decent guy.
If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party what is a pig the symbol of? Any party where there's lots of food.
100m Dash A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash" Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?" "No, with 8 black men and a gun."
Check up time. I've just been for my 6 month check up and everything seem to be going well until he slipped his finger in to check my prostate. I will not be using that dental practise again.
What does an Asian with the biggest erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile yesterday... ...so I said, "That's a big word for a seven-year-old"
There's 3 kinds of people in this world people who can count, and people who can't count
Have you heard about the new Corduroy pillow cases? They have made all the headlines.
For the last time, I don't have any secret prison camps. Anyone who doesn't believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
How can Rihanna tell when Chris Brown's cheating on her? The brand of makeup on his knuckle isn't hers.
What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor? The foundation's been laid.
What were the political views of the librarian? She wanted open borders.
An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape... I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons
I just failed my butcher's exam. Mis-steaks were made.
Why was Edward stuck at the Russian airport? Because he was Snowden.
How do you bury a Jew? Dig a really deep hole and throw a penny in it.
All men approve of premarital sex...until they have a daughter.
I feel sorry for my testicles. They can't even hang out without being judged.
What's Bill Clinton's favorite Pink Floyd jam? Have a Cigar
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first? The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
If I died & went straight to hell it would probably take me 2 or 3 weeks before I realized I wasn't at work anymore.
What do you get when you cross pickle &amp; deer? Dildo.
Two guys walk down the street And one falls through the window
What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A liquor cabinet.
Women know that men are like linoleum . . . If they lay 'em right the first time, they can walk on them for years.
"Don't dip your pen in company ink." - HR training seminar explaining why I shouldn't sleep with the receptionist...I think.
Shoutout to rattlesnakes and condoms... Because I don't fuck with either of them.
hey girl, are you my mom? cuz i'd like to kill your husband and fuck you
If Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg adopted a child... they could call it Slush Puppy :)
I've been working on my favorite puns... I took ten of the best puns I knew and entered them into a local radio contest, hoping that one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why was the cat so small ? Because it only ate condensed milk !
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the *system*.
When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark 15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then Me: .........
A homophobe goes to the doctor to see if he has cancer... He says, "Give it to me straight, Doc."
Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.
What's the difference between a black man and a bike? The bike doesn't start singing when you put a chain on it.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i'm just wondering if you're going to eat all those nachos?
Why didn't Lebron go to college? he didn't want to show up for the finals
Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge! Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul-di-locks'!
Why was Jeffrey Dahmer so healthy? Because he ate five fruits a day!
Apple Computer is taking steps to protect user privacy. Their new policy is iWon't tell...iPromise
[First day of dropping kids off at school] *Hugs and crying* [2nd day] "Get out!"
Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid?  Jessie: Well it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
What did the first ape that could walk say to all the other apes? I'm walkin' here!
My buddy plays golf like a man masturbating in a cold shower No matter how he strokes it's just not going to happen
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am.
What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her? The same thing he told her the first time!
Why did Germany run out of gas? Because they gave it to the Jews I'll be in Argentina for awhile.
A man goes on reddit to read some jokes Only to find out that the same jokes keep appearing on every page!
Here's a joke for ya. A dyslexic man walks in to a bra.
My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I'm only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed
Will Will Smith Smith? Yes... Will Smith will smith
What did the Indian man name his sandwich shop? New Delhi :D
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they'll let you take a second photo
Typos... that's just how I role.
Two people who really hate each other can suddenly really like each other if they can find someone else they can both really hate together.
Why was Stalin literally worse than Hitler? Because Hitler at least wrote his own books
Listen up: I wear the pants in this family. They're a lovely taffeta with a subtle flare to draw attention to my lace-up sandals.
I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic II.
What's the most popular pub in the Middle East? The Allahu ak-Bar
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can't do that.
What do you call tea made by a stoned marsupial? High koala tea
What do Caitlyn Jenner and WWII have in common? The Battle of the Bulge.
What do pigs do on nice afternoons? They go on pignics.
Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year? Because everyone wishes him a new ear.
I'll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn't need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking? A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
I read in the local paper someone was going around pickpocketing midgets. I never thought someone could stoop so low.
For computer geeks. Less isn't more, less is more.
The angry moment when you plug your charger into your phone but you realize hours later your charger wasn't plugged in.
What do you call a rich South American? A Brazilianaire!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I'd say skin.
What do you say to a pregnant woman who wants to force her child to become a Rabbi? When is the baby Jew?
I'm 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.
I called my Colectomy surgeon's office... To check on my appointment. A man with a Russian accent answered the phone saying, "Thank you for colon."
It's 2011 and we're not driving dragons? The future sickens me.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School] Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone [doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs? me: im trying to tell you
My friend told me that each person creates 10 tons of CO2 a year, and said I should be taking steps to bring that number down so I shot a guy.
What's the difference between little girls and wine? Wine gets better as it gets older
Anyone remember the joke about the dwarf? Can't think right now, should be easy to remember, it was only a short one.
What does a mathematician get from a day at the beach? Tan lines.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, "Are you the opposite sex, or am I."
What do you call a group of obese gender reassigned persons? Trans fats.
Why don't the french like kiwifruit? Because of the green piece inside.
Did you know that the idea of recycling actually came about from a group of pirates? They came up with the idea of the four R's.
"i'll be back" --arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan.
Dear movies, We'll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never. Sincerely, Women
Why do female skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down.
I now feel I've watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I'll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12... ....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu
What do you call a black widow trapped in a bowl of noodles? Natasha Ramenoff
What's Harry Potter's favorite way to go down a hill? Walking...JK, Rolling!
What has 3 thumbs and was born near a nuclear power plant? This guy
LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT = Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco.
Has anyone seen my sex doll? Of course I checked the tree house. Oh wait, it's here on the front lawn, still in your wedding dress LOL
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00. Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it? E1: Lol, "amusement park."
In a furious argument, the wife tells her husband... - I should have married the devil instead of you! - Well, that's impossible. Marriage between cousins is forbidden!
Why did the chicken cross the park? To get to the other slide...
Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny they just don't work.
How do generals show their gratitude to their troops? They give tanks.
"If you don't let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you." Liam Neeson returns in... TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER'S PISSED (Summer 2015)
When people say "I'm not getting any younger!" I wonder what other basic life concepts they just learned.
What's your favorite medical joke? I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous "doctor joke" thread, and need some fresh material!
Does the employee manual say I CAN'T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt? ... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.
Figured out how to make my dick 1mm Fold it in half
How do you tell the difference between an East Indian Chef and a porn star? Ask them to pronounce the word cumin.
Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election? Winning means he'd need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood
What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear? One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
My doctor told me if I was 5" taller I'd be at the ideal weight, so I'm going to try and give that a shot.
So I bought a nihilistic pencil It's pointless.
Why do humans mainly use the decimal number system? It's just what we tend to do
It's ironic that most people don't understand irony
What do you get when eating toast in bed? Un-crumb-fortable
If you add 'ish' on the end of the time, you're not really late.
Why does OSHA hate porn? It's nsfw
Why are teenage girls so odd? Because they can't even.
the average Russian day When you ask a Russian how his day is going. "It is an average day today: not as good as yesterday, but better than tomorrow."
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle? Nail it's other hand to the floor.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken!! Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!
Ever wonder why tiny little paper cuts hurt so bad? Cause you're a pussy
"Why does that guy always get all the women?" "I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich" "And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows"
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
The American healthcare system .
Helen Keller walks into a bar... ... then a chair and then a table.
What's the generic name for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin.
Whats the hardest part about roller skating Telling your parents you are gay
One month of nofap here i pun! *Cum
What is a Mexican's favorite bookstore? Borders
I had a converstation with my employer, who recently purchased a new car, today. I said, "nice car!", he replied, "I'm sure you said that yesterday...".
What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
I have an old resolution 640x480
Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na
Heard of the man who banged an ATM? He came into a lot of money
Starbucks and Hooters should merge. Can you imagine ordering a Double D Latte? Everything you need in a cup or two.
Alcohol is like liquid Photoshop for real life.
I rode a taxi It was fake
I'm more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.
"Daddy, are vampires real?" "No, sweetie. Go back to bed." *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*
Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.
I never date girls from china... That's a big red flag.
When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it's an injured Transformer.
Everytime I pull a prank on Niagara She falls for it
What do kazoos and my father have in common? They were both around for a short time in the '90s only to be unheard of from then on.
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
I'd tell you the joke about the pirate But I don't think its arrrrrrpropriate.
What's a russian's favorite golf club? A putin wedge.
My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft... I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.
I've been out of work for so long that I've almost forgotten how to hate people.
Have you been to /r/brucejennerspenis? I heard it was removed.
HR: Know why we called you down? Me: Hmm...a raise? HR: You know we monitor internet usage right? Me: I'd like to report a hacking!
Why don't Jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber
A young boy died after having sex with his teacher... His friends high fived him to death. Zak galifinakorishdjignko
I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage.
What's black and doesn't work? A broken TV.............. racist.
What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards? In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond. Later on, a club and a spade.
What's the cheapest form of birth control? Casey Anthony
Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Did you hear about that guy who got the entire left side of his body cut off? Yeah but he is all right now
DON'T TOUCH ME! AND YOU'RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT! -wives, on their period Or if they're hungry. Or if you are actually breathing wrong.
Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
Camping as a couple is stressful... ...it's two in tents.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!
It's all fun and games until HR sends an email with "Your Twitter Account" in the subject line.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you'll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Does anyone have the address for starving kids in Africa? Our daughter doesn't want her waffle fries.
Bakers trade bread recipes... on a knead-to-know basis.
[court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
What do you call someone who pretends to work in a victorias secret? A panty-mime
[HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it
Closed letter to the mods of r/Jokes... O
My Grandma said I have the voice for the radio... And the face for it too.
My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.
Toad was always my favorite Mario character He just seems like a fungi.
I was once slapped in the face by a girl with twelve nipples... (.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.) Sounds weird, dozen tit?
My boss asked me to pick him something cheap up to eat for lunch he wasn't too happy when I came back with his daughter.
Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter? Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.
[First Date] Me: "I'm sorry. It's just that I've been burned before." *Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit *Closes visor
What do you call a Mexican knockoff burger restaurant? Carlos Jr.
How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know probably more than eight, my basement is still dark.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
You were probably conceived at home... they say most accidents happen around the household.
Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside. Also, my wife doesn't let me pick movies for date night.
KNOCK KNOCK... Who's there? Kicks! Kicks who? Kicks Ronda Rousey for the Knock out!
What do you give an actor playing the role of an angry street gang member? Mad props...
Malaysia Airlines loses contact with another plane. At least they know where this one is.
What do you call a homosexual man on roller skates? Rolaids.
We gave our children old-fashioned names... Our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. - Brian Kiley
All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6am to go jogging...and I was right.
I went to the barbers today. My wife sent me a text that said we had a pipe leaking. I told the barber we're going to have to cut this short. I walked out with a buzz cut.
So I told my wife I ate a bunch of pineapple today ;-) But then as I came in her mouth, I said "oh yeah, and a bunch of bacon too"
how do you know when your sister is on her period? your dads cock tastes like blood.
My favorite palindromes I've come across are tit and boob.
I was searching for the end of the line. I tap a guy on the shoulder and ask, "excuse me sir, are you the last person in line?" Dude turns around, looks at me funny and goes, "no, you are."
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!
Why haven't they installed a mirror on cars that only covers your blind spot?
Good morning class, science is our lesson for today. Teacher: What is science? Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science? Student: science is our Lesson for today.
Bruno Mars is the best levitating vegetable magician I've ever seen. He can do 24 Carrot Magic in the Air
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?
Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers? They can't even
Why are cars in Russia so slow? Because they are always stalin.
Q: What do modern artists eat for breakfast? A: Surreal.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Strong and black
I like my hookers like I like my treasure... Buried.
[First Date] ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you HER: Ok! ME: What's the capital of Honduras? HER: um... ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
A short joke for mobile users [.](http://i.imgur.com/7g4htym.jpg)
Half of Chinese men have cataracts... The other half drive Lincolns.
A jumper cable walks into a bar... The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything!"
Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA? General Pao's chicken.
What's Mike Tyson's favorite Scarlett Johansson film? Luthy.
I like my women the way I like my coffee in a basket being touched by many Colombian men.
Take a chill pill? I had a friend overdose on chill pills you insensitive prick!
The internet is amazing in its ability to speed up communication, for instance it used to take years to realize you hated your friends.
My clearest memory of high school is my friend asking me if I brought gym clothes and me asking, "Who the fuck is Jim?"
Do you know why Cannibals don't eat divorced women? Because they're bitter.
What is Reagan's favorite vegetable? Jim Brady
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
What do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem.
what do you call it when you donate a vagina to charity? good will cunting
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50's.
The person you're eating with can't wait for you to go to the bathroom so they can check their phone.
Q: What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? A: They both don't drive tractors.
Where were the first French fries made? ...in grease
If you're a guy who just had sex, what do you have? Happenis
Your pants are so tight... ...you can't even get a leg up on the situation!
What do performing bears at the circus get for lunch? 30 minutes.
What did the Chemist have with his Eggs? Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen.
Knock Knock...
When it comes to gun control, the first thing that should be banned are tee shirt cannons.
[Spelling Bee] Your word is palindrome "Can you use it in a sentence?" Go hang a salami I'm a lasagna hog.
Egg puns... ...are cracking!
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
How many Redditors does it take to tell a joke? Two. One to think of it, and another to repost it a day later.
A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop. "Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?" "Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
I wonder what made the first person that ate an oyster look at it and think 'Im gonna eat that.'
On the other hand, You have five fingers.
What's the best part about having a blind partner? You know they won't be seeing other people.
Black ice is just like regular ice... Except it's a better dancer...
[Interview] CEO: Why do you think you'd be a good fit at our firm? GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Overheard at work: "that is music to my ears". Where else would the music go smartypants?
What's the difference between a crab with a boob job and a dirty bus station? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.
Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...
I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a fucking job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."
I'm told that if you eat pineapple or carrots in excess, your come will taste like that food... Is this why my Japanese girlfriend's pussy tastes like raw fish?
my phone keeps capitalizing my lols like i'm some kind of suburban mom with highlights and bedazzled jeans.
Did you hear about the clever nun who got tricked? She was nun the wiser
Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don't miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they're drooling on.
Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.
Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?  A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar He orders a beer
What do you call a person who makes a clever point during a discussion at another's expense? A Douche
Jesus and floppy discs are very similar They both died to become the image of saving
What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes! *knee slap* ... I'll see myself to the door
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
How do you make a baby boy cry twice? Make him suck your bloody dick.
What does a cobra say to his friends after he kills a mongoose? "I wasn't scared at all. Without you, I wouldn't even know what a quiver is."
Q: What time do kids need naps? A: At whine o'clock.
The rain is starting to worry me. I'm afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Why can't ears have sex? They could get hearing AIDS!
Almost all of the guys I drafted for my fantasy football team are football players which I think was a smart move
I'd always wondered why they didn't make pencils with erasers on either side Then I realised there wouldn't be any point.
It feels like every time I look at the time it's 9:11 I hope this doesn't get me on a watch list.
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
"Will you spend the rest of my life with me?" "That depends. When are you going to die?"
What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out? Oven mitts.
holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn't know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?
They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?
why do they always say "fight fire with fire" in the movies and stuff? basic pokemon training renders that pretty ineffective
I went to the Zoo the other day, but all it had was one dog. It was a shitzu.
Isn't everyone gettin over racist jokes? Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
I was playing the Witcher 3 and I realized It should be called the Bitcher, cause I slay more pussy than monsters. (   )
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
(Waiter) "What can I get you sir?" (Gastronomist) "Something with a simpler plot."
A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then no fucking shit
Why is Hillary Clinton just like a man? Because she won't pull out until she's done.
Someone came to my door today asking for donations to the local swimming pool So I gave them a glass of water
According to movie trailers, 98% of white kids are possessed by the devil.
A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"
A hearse passed me on the highway going over 100 mph... Some body was in a rush.
One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT A BABY!
That awkward moment when ur mom doesn't know the words to a song so she screams "HAIL SATAN" & explodes
Why can't they teach drivers ed on the same day as sex ed in Egypt? Wears out the camel.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? THE LIGHTBULB IS FINE. THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH IT. I MADE LIGHTBULBS WITH GOOD MANAGEMENT. LET'S MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
Why did the console peasant cross the road ? To render buildings on the other side
What is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1
What do you call a lizard with sex problems? Ereptile Dysfunction
Me: "There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can't resist-" Doctor: "YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!"
Tip of the day: When there's a will...find a way to be in it!
What did the lightbulb say to its mother? I wuv you watts and watts.
This girl I like said she didn't like bondage..... ....Me either, but you're the one who said No.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Why is F-time so much fun? Because F-time is Part-E time.
Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight? BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE
Honked & did thumbs-up to teen goth girl on the street I thought looked super cool & she rolled her eyes & I was like YES EXACTLY KEEP AT IT
If this post on WebMD is correct, I died like ten years ago.
A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn't need any assistance. The tailor says... ... "Fine. Suit yourself."
A kid came to my door earlier dressed like a mime, so I pretended to put candy in his basket.
My goal for 2017.... ....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013
[warning racist] wanna hear a dark joke? africas population
 Cause the players gonna play play play The haters gonna hate hate hate Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues 
Who serves all you can eat rabbit stew? Warren Buffet!
I love this joke today Knock, knock. "Who's there?" 9/11 "9/11 who?" You said you would never forget! Sorry if this has been posted recently.. Could be too soon?
My door to door VHS sales are taking a nose dive because of the economy.
Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger But she did move to California in 1849...
I tried to go into a restaurant playing Pokemon go. I couldn't get in though. The servers were too busy.
Husband: Have you lost weight? Me: About 10 lbs H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink M: You don't know him. He's on Twitter...
Two fish swim into a wall One looks at the other and says *"Dam!"* #oldbutgold
What did the dyslexic bank robber say when he robbed the bank? "Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!"
Preventing childhood obesity... It's as easy as taking candy from a baby.
*bangs gavel* wife: who???
What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck
New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
What do you call the Japanese demon of spices? The Pepper Oni.
I would post a Casey Anthony joke... But my mom would kill me.
What's the difference between Australia and Yogurt? Culture
I think some drugs should be legalized... but cocaine is where I draw the line.
Why was the horse farmer arrested? He was raising a colt.
What's pink and wrinked and hangs out my Y-fronts? My mum.
What's gray squeaky and hangs around in  caves ? Stalagmice !
Everyone's gynecologist uses the term battle damage,' right?
A terrorist posts on reddit. His post blows up. He meets 72 virgins. His day could not be better.
NSFW) Name your James Bond Porno...Go! From Russia With Glove:No Glove = No Love
Mexican and Black Jokes are ALL the same... Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
Have you heard about the masochist who likes taking a cold shower every morning? So he has a hot one instead.
Have you seen 'Wears My Penis? Ooops, typo. Have you seen where my pen is?
How does one turn a fox into a pig?.. ...Marry her.
Dad I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to it already has its own spots!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn* *instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brother ! Brother who ? Brother-ation I've forgotten your name !
Your chances in Vegas are better than you think. 1 out of 5 times you'll get an std.
Why was the shower crying It was being used.
[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life's funeral] Damn her niece is hot
What do you get if you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?
Have you heard the Eric Garner joke? It's so funny I can't breathe Edit: Woah gold, thank you kind stranger :D
The animals that like to be pet are the ones that feel the best to touch how dope is that
Two fish are in a tank... The first fish says to the second fish, "How do we drive this thing?"
why do JEWS have big noses ? air is free
If you're unsure if you're pregnant or not that's called a maby
[prison riot] *standing over my origami ducks* "GO AROUND! GO AROUND!"
What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah!
curious new Snapchat filter shows exact date and time of your death but refuses to be sent. then you notice: the time says five minutes ago.
Tight pants are like a cheap hotel... No ball room
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving
I got a job at the circus circumcising baby elephants. It pays peanuts, but the tips are huge.
There are 11 types of people in this world.. a) those that understand Roman numerals. b) those that don't understand Roman numerals.
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm Nice pig says the bartender. It's a duck she says. I was talking to the duck says the bartender.
An apple a day... Keeps the non-binary away
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
What's the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from insurance salesmen.
I like mixing laxatives and nitrous oxide on a regular basis, but it's OK... ...I only do it for shits and giggles.
How many Dragon Ball characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just 1, but It'll take 7 episodes for him to do it.
"Babe, is it in?" *"Yea."* **"Does it hurt?"** *"Uh huh."* **"Let me put it in slowly."** *"It still hurts."* **"Okay, let's try another shoe size."**
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they'll clean my house.
Why'd you order the Fish n' Chips? For the Halibut.
Friend: "Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?" Me: "Sure" *walks up to girl* *whispers* "magnanimous"
What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? Coach. What do you call one white guy surrounded by 100 black guys? Warden.
What do you get when you cross Christmas and a Duck? A Christmas-Quacker!
Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.
What do you call a bird with big boobs? A para-teet.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar's UP. That old man really loved his house.
Being rich is like being pregnant Everyone is happy for you, but no one asks how many times you were screwed to get there.
The hardest part of being a congressman must be pretending to actually like the people where you're from.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly-button? Because she had a blond boyfriend.
What is the difference between Coors beer and a ... clitoris? A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Q: What's a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period.
Breaking News: Video has been arrested today & charged with the 1st degree murder of Radio Star.
I don't watch soccer... If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.
Her: Are you even capable of love? Me: I'm pretty sure I love pancakes.
What is created when you rub two oranges together? Pulp Friction
"will you be paying with cash or credit?" "Cash" *start playing "ring of fire" on my kazoo *gets tackled by security*
Spell "attic" without laughing out loud
I too was once a male trapped in a female body... But then my mother gave birth.
Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you've had 5 glasses.
Why did man invent curling? To convince women sweeping was a sport.
What's the difference between black people and cancer? Cancer got Jobs.
How do you seduce a fat woman? PIece of cake.
What is the similarity between a projector and an ugly prostitute? Both work better with the lights off.
Why do lesbians shop at Dunham's? Because they don't like Dick's.
Play on Words I really want to come up with a play on words but I don't know how it will do in front of an audience.
What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol? La chaim-lich maneuver.
As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn't even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
*checking out of Hotel California* You can check-out any time you like "Okay yes, now" But you can never leave! "Ugh where's your manager"
What did Mozart say to the police clerk? "I'll be Bach" hahaha. What do you mean they're different people
Black humour is like children with cancer.. ..it never gets old
Good Girls &amp; Bad Girls! Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot!
What's grey and can't fly? A parking lot.
My friend said I didn't understand irony... Which is ironic because we were standing in a bus stop at the time.
What is long and hard that women don't have compulsorily? The military service.
What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll up.
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? I hear the food is good but there's no atmosphere.
"Game of Thrones" author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. He already has 80,000 followers  and that's just the cast of "Game of Thrones."
Why is the leaning tower of Pisa in Italy? It's Italicized
So ... Helium walks into a bar Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve noble gasses here." Helium doesn't react.
My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.
*Mary Poppins voice* Ok, children! Time to go! [15 min later] *Batman voice* I said let's go.
Why did the owl owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !
Comedy legend Joan Rivers passed away. Hundreds of plastic surgeons mourn the loss of their jobs.
How to Skrillex sign his Valentine's Day cards? I wub wub wub you....
did you fall from heaven because your face is all screwed up
I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
My new years resolution is the same as last year. 1920x1080
So which Gate works at the army? Col.Gate I'll leave now.
Congratulations are in order. I just got the stitches in the roof of my mouth removed from that bowl of Cap'n Crunch I had when I was 13.
Remember, Christmas isn't about how big your tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it.
How do you catch a bear? 1. Dig a big hole 2. Fill the hole with ash 3. Place peas all around the hole 4. Finally, when the bear stops to take a pea you kick it in the ash-hole
What's enormous, gray, and unimportant? Irrelephant.
If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees
I saw Lenin pick his nose the other day... Communists have no class...
I got invited to a block party recently. I show up, blocks EVERYWHERE.
I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!
What do you call an Asian with a big... NSFW Butt hole? Gay ping!
A Texas sheriff found a black man who was shot 12 times. He said it was the worst case of suicide he'd ever seen.
I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
What's the difference between a snitch whose been caught and a free-spirited orphan with an Oedipus complex? One's a dead-ass motherfucker. The other's a dead mother ass-fucker.
BEST vine with nigga - chocolate milk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JZfR4PwIbs
Why didn't 2x befriend x^2 ? He had trouble integrating
I, for one... is a roman numeral.
I'm taking up cross-stitch so I can make handmade gifts for all the girls in my life Cause bitches get stitches. (though I won't have as many once this stupid joke gets out.)
The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes? [instructor] that's not what we- [me] I just hate boxes so damn much
Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
No point I'll go straight to the point, this all sentence is pointless
Where do stoners keep their money? In a joint account
Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.
I'v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He's gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I'm showing these emails to his wife.
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
Emails So I had to stop redirecting my emails to the girls in my class. They said I was being too forward.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Going to a baby shower and I'm real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
One problem I had with Catholicism as a child was... all the sexy priests.
Out of all my body parts, my eyes are in the best shape... I roll them at least 489 times a day.
People ask if I saw any 'Red Flags'... Well, I was an anarcho-capitalist and she was a Hoxhaist...
My girlfriend says I can't visualise things I can't imagine why.
What's the best remedy for a sex starved drug addict? A jack and coke.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said 'make yourself comfortable', so I did, I went home.
I know I've had enough to drink when I suddenly know everyone's middle name and it's "Motherfucking."
My work ethic could best be described as "procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream OH FUCK right before the deadline."
Why are frogs happy? Because they eat what bugs them.. Source: 3rd grader told me this joke..
"It's beautiful today. Let's work outside." *5 mins later* "This was a terrible idea." *more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine? The Crimea River
You know why /r/jokes doesn't allow pictures? thatsthejoke.jpg
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
What did Sean Connery do when he saw a guy drowning? he started undressing and yelled 'I will shave you'
Cars Why do lazy people only drive automatics? Because they're shiftless.
I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman.. Oops I've posted this in the wrong place
My kids are asking to be fed and cared for and stuff. This parenting thing is bullshit.
Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me
Obesity it's a disease People in America say obesity is a disease. The only thing diseases and obese people have in common is they are both really easy to catch.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down. Life is hard.
If I've learned one thing from twitter, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day tweeting.
Why is Christopher Walken so tired? Because at night, he's always sleepwalken
Programmers tend to byte their food
Yo mama so fat when she went to Walmart, she tripped on Walgreens, and landed right on target
When the cashier asks, "Paper or plastic", I say, "Plastic", then use the bag to suffocate a bird in the parking lot while staring him down.
*speaks at high school graduation* Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.
So far my toddler's most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Never underestimate the power of a woman's INTUITION. Some women can recognize game before you even play it.
There are two types of friends: Those that keep your car clean And Julian FUCKING JULIAN
I tried to set our Computers Password to "MyDick" But was disappointed when it said "Error: Not Long Enough"
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
What's a pirate's favorite letter? The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate
The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim. The Empire Strikes Back, they call it.
How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Note to self: 1) Your memory sucks. 2) Write note to self.
Why isnt Hitler invited to any BBQs? Cuhs he burns all the franks! Friend told me this, so im sorry if this has already been posted.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
So I saw that Princess Diana is trending on tumblr. She's all over the dashboard!
Thought of this joke a few years ago and thought id share it with you beautiful people Why cant bulimics be pitchers in baseball? Because they always throw up
What's the difference between pussy and mashed potatoes Mashed potatoes don't make their own gravy
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him? If you had a gun, you'd shoot him too.
If an object falls at 500ft/s how far must Mohammed run to escape the blast?
What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock? Barns and no-bulls. (This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
How many potatos do you need to kill an Irishman? None.
Its stupid of Apple to include Health apps with their products... ...Everybody knows that people with one Kidney are not supposed to run.
We never knew he was always drunk... ...until he showed up to work sober.
Did you hear about the Woodstock Killer? He was charged for murder within tents.
When my kids are bad I take them out to the woodshed and tell them a bunch of boring stories about the people at my work
so I painted my computer black the other day... I thought it would run faster. Turns out it stopped working.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open!
What is the difference between a 5 and a 2? 3.
[Commercial] *Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple* Narrator: "If only there was a better way?" [On Screen Caption] TEETH
Mommy mommy what happened to all your scabs ...[NSFL] Shut up and eat your corn flakes!
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."
My girlfriend is in Mexico for vacation and if she has a Juan night stand while she's down there, her and I are totally done.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I was suffering from constipation the other day but I really didn't care In fact, I didn't even give a shit.
What do you give the guy who has everything? Penicillin
Bring an urn speed dating. Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, "I don't know, Mom: should I tell him?"
Sorry if you already know this one A Hipster, a vegan and a feminist walk into a bar... How do I know? They have already told everybody about 6 times in 5 minutes
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
You people remind me of lemons.... You're sour, some people like you, and your juices can be squeezed out for money.
A guy walks into a bar "Ow," he says.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.
Me: *crawls in window* Him: What are you doing?! Me: You're my boyfriend now? Him: I'm calling the cops Me: But you retweeted me??
What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump? Reagan helped tear down a wall.
I like my slave like I like my frees Coffee.
TEIAM - problem solved fuckers
And the Oscar goes to.................................... Court for killing his girlfriend.
Judge: Guilty Me: Sayyoudidwhat. Judge: What did you say? Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence? *Stage dives into cheering jury*
Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU Me: wow your hands are so soft Murderer: omg really Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use
Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard? They're all paws.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I was pleased with the first day of The World Cup, and even more pleased that it didn't turn into "2 Girls, 1 World Cup" as I had feared.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious
A Priest a Rabbi and a Nun walk into a bar The bartender looks up and says, "What is this some kind of joke?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you pick up anything with that?
Which is more stable, a hamburger or a steak? Hamburger, it's in the ground state.
I was really ticked at my woman tonight, so I stapled her fun bags together. If ya can't lick 'em, join 'em.
on fire The chief of the fire department walks into the room where the other firemen wait and says: "Take it easy boys, the Tax Office is on fire."
I got a haircut recently. I thought it was too short at first, but it's started to grow on me.
There's nothing worse than when you tell someone it's a long story and they reply with "I have time."
My son wants a bb gun for Christmas I told him I'l give it my best shot
I don't understand hair It's just over my head.
I'm so old... ...my organs are harpsichords.
What do you call Halloween for feminists? Triggertreat
I dropped my electric toothbrush in the garbage disposal and accidentally co-produced a Skrillex album.
What's the difference between a stripper and a hooker? Usually about $40
I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. -Emo Philips
What's the difference between a Therapist and The Rapist? Just a little space
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I told a joke to my Jewish friends about kosher food, but they didn't like it at all... they said it was too ham-fisted.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?! Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
LGBT Girl Scout Leader Arrested She was thrown in jail for eating Brownies.
The best things in life are free. Who let them out?! I PAID GOOD MONEY TO IMPRISON THEM
My ex and I broke up because she said she couldn't be with someone who wanted her to change. I just wanted her to stop sleeping with my friends.
At my funeral, I want a homie to adjust my junk one last time. I'm not gonna rest peacefully if my balls are pinched between my legs.
What kind of book did Frankenstein's monster like to read? One with a cemetery plot.
My mother always told me never to listen to Rumours. Consequently my copy of Tusk is completely worn out.
"A smile is like tight underwear...it makes your cheeks go up.
I went to the zoo today but when I arrived, there was only a dog there It was a shitzu
My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So I have to sit when I pee now.
My grandpa would always tell me "You're my favorite granddaughter" I was his only granddaughter.
A line for cops who pull over attractive drunk models If I could put you in the alphabet, I would go D U I and that's why I'm a writer, I look forward to your hatred of bad jokes
What country uses the most foul language? Turkey
My doctor told me that I have to stop masturbating! Because otherwise he can't do his medical examination.
My girlfriend and i are quite similar They're both imaginary
I don't ever have to worry about getting sex... Because I'm married, so I already know I won't. Takes all the guesswork right out of it.
What do naked fish play with ?  Bare-a-cudas !
A penis lives a hard life His neighbor's nuts, he lives accross from an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, everyone calls him a dick, and his owner beats him.
Right before our Grandpa died we covered his back in butter. He went downhill pretty quickly after that.
What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags it's tail, while the other tags a whale
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
I just left my job... Me: I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me. Friend: What did he say? Me: "You're fired".
A magician was driving down the road when suddenly... He turned into a driveway!
I've never smoked weed before but the frequency with which I pass out, hand in a bag of snack chips, leads me to believe I'd be good at it.
What are a redneck's last two words before dying ? WATCH THIS !
Why did the clown go to the doctor? Because he was feeling a little funny. He had testicular cancer.
Yo mama so fat.. I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
The phrase "watching paint dry" should be replaced with "listening to people talk about brewing their own beer."
Let's do them. What do you call a group that only wants a Ninja? Goad-diggers.
How does Professor Charles Xavier Apologise? He says "Cerebro"
I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change....
My corn tortillas want me to like them on Facebook. Fuck the future.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I'd start thinking about you.
Here it is, folks: "Do imaginary octopi have ... (wait for it) (wait for it) PRETENDACLES?"
If your gift says "from Mom and Dad" you just know Dad has absolutely no idea what's inside it.
What type of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers
My wife doesn't believe that auto correct changed "Yes dear" to "Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am."
To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?
A bar walks upto a bar... Hows that even possible
He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy. I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.
If you're nervous about speaking in public just imagine everyone holding a meatball sub. Even if you're not nervous picture it. It's amazing
"It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside" ME: Oh thank god "It's who you are on the inside" ME: Dang
Fat people just want to get into your pantries.
I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.
How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people? A big wave
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
A lot of people say I'm condescending... (That means I talk down to people)
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Espanol marque dos Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Learning about frequency is so boring ... It literally Hertz.
4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?
How did I sleep in college? I slept like a baby... I woke up every two hours to vomit, shit myself and cry myself back to sleep.
What does a bug say when it accidentally breaks its exoskeleton? You gotta be chitin me!
Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.
Cowboy:" Give me three packs of condoms, please." Cashier:" Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'...."
We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
My dad is my inspiration ...cause you never know when it's gonna hit you EDIT: missed a word
What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise. :)
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
I was watching some porn with a plot the other day It was pretty Fucking stupid
Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.
I used to be a narcissist But now look at me
You know what Popeye and Napoleon have in common? They both come on those little jugs of Olive Oil.
I asked my wife for sex recently... She said, "No, it's a super moon, not a blue one".
TIL A new study shows that women drivers often turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver, look out for women drivers.
He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving.
Mothers are always one question from ruining your day.
What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms and an eyepatch? Names.
Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.
How can working with cow hide act in your favor on a first date? As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir. Man in car: But that's a balloon. Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it'll soon be a dog.
"I need to find somewhere to park," I told my wife. "What about over there?" she said. "I can't," I replied, "It says between 1 and 9 only." "Well, why is that stopping you?" "I'm 23."
All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.
What happened to the road? Depressions.
Fe Fi Fo Fum Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I have awful jet lag The WiFi on this airliner is just terrible
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.
What was the first 3D printer? Your butthole! *** This joke is awesome because it was created by a third grader where I teach.
Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
If you just got invited to do something on New Year's Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
What did Melania Trump say after being stopped by an officer? License and registration, please.
I like my lovers like I like my golf score Hand drawn, messy, and totally unconvincing.
Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ? Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.
*on my deathbed* *groggy, dazed, & delirious* Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me? Wife: Honey, what's a TC? Me: *pulls plug*
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
Vader: I AM your father. Luke: Why are you telling me this now? Vader: Luke: Vader: I need a kidney.
My mother always told me if you have nothing nice to say join 4chan
Hate it when people ask me what I will be doing five years from now Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision
What is a trailer park's favorite game? Twister
I've heard that 1 in 3 people have a pedophile as a neighbour. But that can't be right because my neighbours are sexy 5 and 7 year olds.
"Dance like the photo's not being tagged, Love like you've never been unfriended, Status Update like nobody's following."
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair!
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* "sketchy". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
So a proctologist is examining a patient. He pulls an anal thermometer out of his coat to make some notes. Looks at it and says "Damnit some asshole has my pen!"
To Do List While in Jail 1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,"Hey why'd you start without me?" 2. 3.
A squirrel and an elephant are in the bathroom. The elephant in the tub says to the squirrel, we have no soap. The squirrel says... "OH YEAH? NO SOAP RADIO!"
What do the Post Office and a shoe store have in common? Thousands of brown loafers
Why do physicists love going to church It's the center of mass
Apparently people keep mistaking me for their Mirrors because they keep saying I'm ugly or fat
How do Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have sex? gingerly.
[on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life...... unless it gets in his way.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.
What do you call an ant who can't play the piano ? Discordant !
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.
I started microfinancing my money to get better savings. It just made a lot of cents to me.
*wakes up early* *goes for morning jog* *calls wife to pick him up because he's made a terrible mistake*
Me: I'd kill for a body like that Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c- Me: yeah I'd rather kill
What does a lesbian couple do for fun while they're having their periods? Fingerpaint!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I'm now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates' pants.
Why couldn't the stoner simplify his binomials in front of the class? Because a watched pothead never FOILS.
Watching my son's soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I'm a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I'm not a total idiot.
Hey bro do you remember your first blowjob? How did it taste?
What does a rock put on when it stinks? Geodorant.
What runs, but never sprints? Inherited obesity
Did you hear about the old Italian chef? He pasta way
I can't wait to see the phrase "He was the longest living member of the Baha Men" in an obituary
What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day? A hug and a little quiche.
Me: Excuse me, where's the rowing boat equipment? Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. Me: ... Employee: ... Me: Or you'll what?
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl I wanted my first night to be special.
My penis is 4 inches... ...but I find most girls don't like it that wide.
[job interview] "So we'll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?" Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
If you ever see on a road where a section of the dotted line is missing - There is no law there.
I witnessed a murder today... Though it may have just been a flock of jackdaws, I'm not a biologist.
I just totally misunderstood the meaning of 'Strip Mall' and could one of you guys send bail money?
Why can't americans play LoL? They can't guard their towers.
Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation? Me: *puts cat on the phone* [20 mins later] Travel Agent: I've got you booked for Maui
Isn't it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It's like, do I want to tell people that there's a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?
what currency does the sun use? starbucks
"I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo" -oh, u drive a school bus? "LMAO Hell no! I'm a drug smuggler u nerd"
Why do cemeteries have fences? People are just dying to get in.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you're just like... nah
Q: Do you know about the book about copyright infringement? A: It had legal binding.
The quickest way to a woman's heart is with a scalpel, a bonesaw, a chest spreader, & ten cc's of nothing to lose.
I like my women like I like my wine. Twelve years old and locked in a cellar.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
Dust bunnies are great pets because they thrive on neglect.
What type of wife always knows where her husband is? A widow
What's the difference between Santa and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney, the Jews go up.
"Its not you. Its me." ~ twins going through a photo album
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
"How long have you been chopping wood for?" "I'm not sure, I'll check the logs"
imagine getting a bj and the person's hair gets stuck in your chain wallet
So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod. Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.
How did the Linux admin commit assault? He sudo bashed someone.
Q: Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns? A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.
What do you call a friendly Mancunian midwife? Ultra sound
There are 10 kinds of people in the world... Those who know binary and those who don't.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active. I shook my head and said "Not in front of the wife".
When 2 Chainz doesn't want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.
[soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!
Comcast opens an airline. The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you're charged per mile.
It's Friday! I'm as happy as a newborn in a topless bar!
[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it's walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing
My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I'll never stop loving her She's my Taco Belle
Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday. In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.
A Meteorologist's best subject is small talk. They only talk about the weather.
I never wanna "touch base" with anyone, I type it in emails to sound business-y.
What did the coach say to his star player after he pissed his pants? Hey man urine
What did Princess Fiona call her husband when she found him in the middle of a gay orgy? Bishrekual
If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead
Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool ? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up !
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Rain is just God listening to Bon Iver.
How do you help a woman going through menopause You hit menoplay
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.
They're having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I'm dreading it.
"Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* - Spider tinder
I learned that Honey Bees in the United States developed a form of electronics - they're called U.S. Bees.
A fat woman just served me at McDonalds... ... and said "Sorry about the wait". I replied and said "Don't worry, you'll lose it eventually".
two apples enter a bar... ...then I got sued by Apple
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
You teabag But Chuck Norris potato sacks
What do you call a Dr. that shares your medical history with everyone? a HIPAAcrite
The problem with feminists... The problem with feminists is that they don't stop talking and I just want to fuck them.
The shortest distance between two points is always closed due to some bullshit construction that should've been finished a year ago.
Police headquarters was broken into last night. All the toilets were stolen. Investigators have nothing to go on.
Me: What's the point if it's not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE. Dentist: Please just floss more
I drop it like it's an expensive electronic device I've recently purchased.
How do you assemble a computer? Bit by bit.
Fish Cakes A guy walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says, "Do you sell fish cakes here?" Bartender: No we don't. Guy: That's a shame... it's his birthday.
Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
Man comes to psychologist's office He kicks the door open, enters, leans above the desk, and staring psychologist in the eyes says: "Now, tell me, bald ugly little man, why I don't have any friends?"
My friend started jogging so he'd live longer. He got hit by a bus and died the next day.
One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline... We go way back.
Who is the richest person in the Bible? The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.
Jogging, but with a car.
Always helpful... Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Asians be like... ay bb u wan sum duck?
What did the racist chess player say? All Rook same!
[At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you've eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right? Hey, fellas
Girls use lotion for hands Boys use lotion for skin.
It's taken me ages... ...but I've finally finished reading Stephen Hawking's book. It's about time.
Why do Asians prefer Sony? Because it's a stereo type
How do you make a tissue dance ? Put a little boogie in it !
A fart is just a turd honking for the right of way. Yep
Snowman in the summer What do you call a snowman in the summer? "A puddle"
A man and a woman walk into an elevator The man asks the woman, can I smell your feet? The woman looks at him with disgust and says no. The man says, it must be your vagina then.
Why did the man get sent to jail? Black male
Want to know why fish tanks are stupid They don't even have a military.
If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and American when you exit the bathroom, what are you while you're IN the bathroom? European.
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
I kinda want Hillary to win the US election Just for the sheer irony of her sitting at the desk Monica was under.
What do you call a mexican who lost his car. Carlos
How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it!
shoot for the moon, even if u miss u'll forever be the one peopel point at and whispre "thats the idiot who shot literal bulets at the moon"
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I just assume everyone on my Christmas list has been naughty. Makes things simpler.
Who's the biggest slut ever? Mrs. Pacman--for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
I've got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I don't really know. I've heard it growling it doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite? That's what I want to find out.
why do they throw shit at a pakistani wedding? keeps the flies away from the bride
I like my coffee how I like my women... Cold.
If history has taught me anything, it's that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
They call me Metal Gear Because my snake is solid
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I've put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
What do you call 4 condoms? For me, a year's supply.
Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall and sued the construction company for using poor material for building the wall
People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.
My sister bet me 200 dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti... You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
What happened to the tasty noun? Verbatim.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword Legolas: And you have my bow Gimli: and my axe Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[Last supper] Jesus: Same time next week guys? *they all nod* Judas: I'll book a table for 12 Jesus: you mean 13 Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Who is fastest girl in the world? Answer: Airtel 4G girl.
Googles "what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough" [5 minutes later] "twice"
What do you call Christopher Walken when he is sitting? Christopher Sitten
What is a prostitutes favorite food? Anything but blue waffles.
The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.
Girl hey what's up? Boy if i tell you, will you sit on it? Sex is like a misdmeanor, the kore i miss it, the meaner i get.
What is a water bottle's favorite game to play? Follow the litre.
How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher? When the old one expects you to "do your share"
Two nuns are riding their bikes somewhere... One of the nuns says "I've never come this way before!" Other nun says "Must be the cobblestones."
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Dont be silly, feminists cant change anything.
Why do Arabs wear thawbs? Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away.
I had a reaction to some nuts the other day.. "These are a bit hairy."
Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.
How to mess with people To REALLY mess with people, try drinking Gatorade from a Windex bottle.
Why are chickens racist? They are all in the Coop Clucks Clan
Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.
How did the captain of the u-boat announce to his crew that there were no more passports to go around? This sub has officially run out of IDs.
Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle "black". "Racial tension at boiling point" says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Michael J. Fox is extremely formal... ...he even shakes hands with his wife.
What did the Dog say to the Chipmunk? Woof.
"I like my women how I like my sunglasses... Sitting on my face..."
Whats faster then a Aboriginal with a TV? His son with the xbox.
A college grad offers her boss sex for a raise j/k she doesn't have a job.
This afternoon, I was attacked by a group of gay men. I didn't know how to escape. I had to beat them off left and right
Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics? Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.
Whats the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One is fun to smash with a sledgehammer and the other one is a watermelon
How do you know when there is a bassist at your door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer? 13 blackberries and 5 apples
I told my Mexican student to turn in his essay He said "I ain't no snitch!".
Where do dogs shop for groceries? Wagmans.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis.
On your way to hell, there will be a 6-year-old pushing a shopping cart one foot behind you.
It's fun being a philosophy major I get to reflect on why I can't pay for food
What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer? Hula the dogs out?
I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years party... When you hear an arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
A slightly drunk woman is watching tv... She yells, "Don't go there! Don't go up the stairs! Don't go into the church you dumb bitch!" Her husband asks, "What are you watching?" "Our wedding video."
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Knock Knock Who's there ? Chopin ! Chopin who ? Chopin the supermarket !
I &lt;3 W... Valentine's day TXT message you send twins if you are unsure which one you are sending the message.
BISON DAD: good bye, son. BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Pretty sure that Twitter is not one of the seven habits of highly effective people.
50 SHADES OF CHARLES HUNNAM Its been reported that actor Charles Hunnam has dropped out of the movie,"50 Shades of Grey" because of cold feet. You can't blame him, cold feet can lead to shrinkage
What do you call a Russian, homophobic, golfer? Vladimir Putting
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!
kid theres no such thing as bad publicity. like you would think if a big article came out saying you suck shit it would be bad, but its good
Gene Therapy The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder. This is the place for wordplay, right?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
A magic tractor was driving down a country road... When suddenly it turned into a field!
Why is Klezmer music so addictive? Once you Hava Nagila, you'll want another!
Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.
We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women. For example: "Every girl here is ugly" "Well, what about her? " "Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"
Did you guys hear about the C++ developer that wanted to become a famous actor? He kept getting type cast.
I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
Two antennas met on a roof... they fell in love, and decided to get married. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was excellent.
I once knew a girl who confused a tube of KY jelly... for a tube of super glue. I asked her how it happened... her lips were sealed.
You know why you shouldn't eat spaghetti late at night? Because it'll keep you up Pasta you bedtime.
:*  `*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar *  `*:. HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!
Confucius say its good to meet girl in the park ...But its better to park meat in the girl.
A guy I know calls women's periods "shark week." I asked him why, and he told me "Beware of blood in the water. The fearsome beast will bite your head clean off, unprovoked, when you least expect it."
The guy who proofread Hitler's speeches was a Grammar Nazi.
[God creating the frog] "How about a really stupid-looking kangaroo fish?"
What happened to Mr. Chin after all 10 of his children disappeared? He developed a ten Chin deficit disorder.
What do you call a group of pigs? A precinct.
The first couple months of the year go by quickly. February just Marches on.
Being a dog with no legs - it's no walk in the park
I try to accomplish epic missions before the microwave hits zero.
what do you call a racist Mexican a member of the que que que
Yo momma Is so ugly, she has masturbate with a bag over her head.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to complain that it's electrified.
So, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have split up! It's a bit of a Nightmare before Christmas.
What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. J.k, rolling.
Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.
I wonder if Einstein thought of his theory of general relativity... in New York's Time Squared...
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My girlfriend hate when i call her fat And now she want us to break up so i said : What about the baby.
To all sluts !! Please regulate your whoremones !!
Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.
(Serious) What do you think Michael Hastings was working on before he died? slowing down his car. ... ... shoutout to r/conspiracy for this one.
Your "poetic" tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn't thought of them first
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Next time someone says "Thanks!" reply: "You're welx!". It's a cool new abbreviation I made up you can use. Make sure to attribute it to me.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to fuck with you.
DJ: "MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!" *Groans* *Sobs* *sighs* *a solitary gunshot*
What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper? 360 hoscope
Joke Did you hear about the man who stoke a bed
I wonder what my dog named me.
I once had a small part in a porn movie. It was cold that day.
ok i'll bite.. what is Britain
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store? Because baggers can't be choosers,
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
I was trying to make a joke about leprechauns... ...but I came up short.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I was trying to convince my friend to go fishing the other day. It took a while to convince her, but then she finally agreed and had fun fishing. She eventually fell for it hook, line, and sinker.
I just want a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
Whaat do you get when you cross a Swede and a Norwegian? A socialist who wants to be king!
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass. (Haven't seen this on here, hope its not a repost.)
[True Love's gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile] awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Did u hear about the prostitute with no legs? She's selling it for half off.
Yeah, hi, I'd like 500 pizzas over the course of the next 10 years delivered to wherever I am in the world, thanks.
My thoughts are as pure as snow... after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids.
What the sound of a rainbow laughing? Hue hue hue hue
I auditioned for a role in Star Wars: The Force Awakens Unfortunately, I was a white male.
Mom, am I ugly? "Of course not, honey. You have everything a man wants, a deep voice, broad shoulders, facial hair..."
What was Sisyphus's favourite type of music? Rock 'n' Roll
Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quinn walk into the UN.. Then proceed to lecture them on bullying.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you next Friday.
Why did the tofu cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken. &gt;:|
[at a spelling bee] Judge: Your word is SPELL. Witch: *mumbles something under her breath* Judge: Ribbit
My dentist told me I grind at night I was unaware he even saw me at the club
Jokes about abusive parents... ...just hit too close to home.
Can't be an atheist after getting in a subway car with no a/c because u now know hell is real
A wife gets naked... ...and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
Why did the chicken of the sea cross the road? Because a tuna can!
You should never bully fat people.... They have enough on their plates
Q: Why are all blacks fast? A: The slow ones are in jail.
Every religion has violent people... ... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I fired a man named Diarrhea today... His shit wasn't together
What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-oh acid
Knock Knock Who's there ! Courtney Pine ! Courtney Pine who ? Courtney Pine tables I need a new one !
Opinions are like assholes... Everyone has one, but they all stink.
The jokes on you Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Whosoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble... You have my Word.
My dad keeps throwing erasers at me... My dad keeps throwing erasers at me and I finally snapped, "Why dad!" he replied "the first rubber I used didn't get rid of my mistake, maybe this one will"
I was going to have an edging tournament with some friends... ...but nobody came.
What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and.... ....I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends! ANTS: Hooray! ANGEL: Ok next creation ... The anteater. ANTS: The what now?
I'm not positive, but I think when you say you're "over" something, YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
How do you stop rape? **NSFW** Consent.
What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather?  A faint Bernard!
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
*muttered from inside a bear* "Go hiking," they said.
That's pretty cool that Mary Shelley wrote Heidi Montag's biography before she was even born. #Frankenstien
Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
What exactly is the difference between a New York City Park bathroom and a Law & Order crime scene?
My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week... It ended when I told her "We've been getting along really well lately".
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that's super easy for me to remember: InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A WINDOWS 7 PARTY 'CAUSE A WINDOWS 7 PARTY DON'T STFILE \$win_nt$.~bt\NTKRNLMP.EXE cannot be open error 7
What do you call a blind german guy? A not see.
How did Jesus get so ripped? 39 lashes.
An Asian girl walks up to me in a bar. She says ***"Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!"*** Apparently she was giving me her number.
What was Bob Marley's favourite font? Sans Sheriff!
Winrar is not free
What does a man say after sex? Nothing, he's happy and content with life.
Are you from Mississippi? Cause you're the only miss I ssippi. (I have no clue)
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister... ..."I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.
Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you're kinda boring and you've been on top of everything.
I have a weird quirk when watching Star Wars I wait for when someone is going to yell, "R2!" and yell out "Am not!"
What's a redneck's favorite type of bread? Inbred
Our 2-year-old is entertaining everyone at the restaurant by screeching like a seagull every fifteen seconds.
Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
Paddy wanted to buy a Labrador.. Mick said "Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"
My girlfriend told me that she had slept with 144 people before me. Now that's just gross.
Jesus said that he'd get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they'd get rid of frost giants. nnI don't see many frost giants around.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."
When the doctor prescribed the millennium a medical dog he was surprised the patient asked "how do i smoke it"
Charlie Sheen walks into a bar... And orders a drink or two. Or three. Or four. And then gets into a barfight.
I know it's not safe but our taxi driver keeps falling asleep at every light and it's getting hilarious
What did the physicists say when he accidentally broke his resistor?  my ghosh
Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990's.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already screwed in! heh. *chirp* *chirp*
Where do guys who buy hookers, mountain lions, and cantelopes go for the summer? John Cougar Meloncamp An old joke I haven't heard in ages.
The fun thing about wigs is when someone complements you on your hair, you can rip it off and say, "Here. Take it. No, I insist."
how to get a fat chick in bed... It's a piece of cake!
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
How do we create jobs? I thought he was already dead
Relationship are like algebra... Do you ever look at your X and wonder Y?
What happens when you get more than you payed for with a Mexican Gigolo? The second coming of Jesus.
What did the bra say to the toupee? You go on ahead, I'll hold these two up.
Fun way to prank Jesus is to invite him snorkeling haha he'd be stuck on top walking on the water while ur underneath having all the fun
What do you call a hypnotist that works with wealthy children during the summer? an heir conditioner.
Things that are better left unsaid 1. 2. 3.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn't want me gettin' any ideas.
What's the difference between an elected official and a piece of garbage? Garbage gets thrown out.
Did you hear about the abstinent lenses? They never came in contact.
What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout comes home from camp.
The fact that we're not calling stepdads "faux pas," seems like a missed opportunity.
Pick the odd one out... Pick the odd one out: eggs, meat, wife, blowjob. You can beat your eggs, you can beat your meat, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat a blow job
"You're what you eat" So when will your mum become me?
Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie? It's a perfect 5/7.
When I die I want my tombstone to read, "Did stuff".
Sorry we don't serve time travelers here Two time travelers walk into a bar
Never trust an atom They make up everything
What did the woman do that found gold in her vagina? She mined her own business.
Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. Three ducks walk into a bar. The fourth one humans.
Just buckled a bottle of Tito's Vodka into the backseat of my car, so I obviously know what it's like to be a mom.
What has four wheels and flies A Garbage truck
It's not that Jake couldn't juggle It's that he didn't have the balls to do it
Little Shop of Horrors should have taken place in Russia. Because in Soviet Russia plant eats you!
Like most movies. I show big things in my trailer.
A man walks into a library and says "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."
Yoda: Why, afraid of seven, five is? Because six seven eight.
CNN admits to dating Fox News.
Where did the King keep his armies? In his sleevies.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
My life flashed before my eyes... ...Turns out I'm epileptic and died from the seizure.
News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet
Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car The more money you have, the more options you have.
Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes? Because he's extinct
I think I'm going to give away my old Dyson vacuum cleaner. It's just collecting dust.
Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues? They get to meet their old flames!
A duck walks into a bar... Quack!
A woman is like a parachute  can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one.
What is a cannibal's favorite fruit? Granny Smith
What happens to a laffy taffy joke in the rain? It makes me laugh a little bit, in the rain.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you drink through that?"
I'll admit that my jokes are cheesy, but even then the ones I find hilarious my friends don't find funny at all They must be laughtose intolerant
Yo mama so fat, when she went to Hogwarts for the first time, the sorting hat said "Awwwwww hell 'naw!!"
What is the worst animal std? Gatoraids
Watching X-Men. Hard to believe that all this stuff actually happened.
Subreddit for cleanjokes? Anyone know of one? TIA
What do you call a farmer in the army? E.I. G.I Joe.
Am I the first with a Roof joke? Hope so. What is the source of Roof's racism? When he was young, his friends teased him by calling him Rufus.
What adjective do you use to describe a bad pun? Pungent
Life as a penis must be hard.
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ? He was the skipper !
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Trump is such a good businessman that he literally wrote the book on business! Everyone should read it! Its too bad that it only goes up to chapter 11 though...
How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Son of a Beach So I like digging. I am going to go the beach and become a professional digger. Professional digger.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
How do you spell hypocrisy? R-E-L-I-G-I-O-N
Whats the difference between Trump and Hitler? About 70 years
Whoa, calm down, person actually swimming in the swimming pool.
What makes Kirby a great all-around fighter? He's all round.
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...? Because he's married. ;_; (I'll see myself out).
I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.
Oscar Pistorius... wanted a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it.
On the set of a movie... "Alright folks that's a wrap" "Actually sir it's a panini" "Ugh..Take five" But there weren't enough paninis for everyone to take 5
Did you hear about the man who bought a bucket load of Tipp-ex last week? Big mistake.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
What did Tony the Tiger say to the kids playing baseball? "Theeeeeeeeey Never expect the Spanish Inquisition!"
"No no no!" said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. "I cannot see you today!" "That's fine" said the salesman "I'm selling spectacles."
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a crying baby. Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.
How to comfort a Grammar Nazi "They're Their There"
The best thing about sex with your sister... ...is that if she gets pregnant, you can just blame your dad.
Static cling is just physics showing us how much it loves us.
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike.
What do you call a gay dentist? The Tooth Fairy
I finally figured out the problem with our firewall last night. It was a real breakthrough! //Actually used that this morning. Manager did not notice, I did not explain.
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? ...neither did she
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
What did the baby corn say to the Mom corn ? Where is Popcorn ?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one... ...he's never gonna give you *Up.*
I burned a kid in a wheelchair today. Hot wheels.
I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college I don't think I can ever repay you.
Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper? A: Michael Jackson's hand !!
I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality... I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.
I ejaculated six feet earlier. Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.
I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
Why is DJ Khaled's favorite number 11? Cuz it has another 1
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them
I've just found my iPhone autocorrects "cunt" to "Cynthia." Which means somewhere in Steve Jobs' past is a woman with one HELL of a story.
Which came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken of course, an egg cannot cum! Made this up in my sleep sorry if offends any egg lovers..
A large hole appeared outside the local police station. They're looking into it.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say "You let me worry about that."
My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said "Jersey  Shore"...Was I wrong?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor* "See, nobody suspected a thing"
What is 20 inches long and makes women scream at night? A stillborn
When I met my wife I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves.
Why do black people have nightmares? Because the last guy who had a dream got shot
Alright, so, two Jews walk into a shower I bet you can finish this one
Kevin Bacon likes to play Six Degrees of Everybody Else.
GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
this month's full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn't be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. (Thanks to u/Gary_III for pointing out the mistake last time
You know you're old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.
So I got kicked out of the library the other day... For moving all the women's rights books to the fiction section.
Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I'd be more upset if it wasn't saving me time in the morning
Interviewer: Your resume only has "Mad" under "Skills" Me: Yeah boyee Interviewer: *tears up* You're just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
New E Sport So there is a doctor in NYC that came down with ebola...he went bowling the night before admittance, created new sport...eboling
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
Pick a number, now add 7, divide by 4, write it down. Now get an apple, name it, show it a picture of your cat. Now go to bed,you're drunk.
Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread. (my wife tells this joke to everyone and no one but me has ever laughed)
Whats the best part of living in Switzerland? Im not too sure either but the flags a big plus.
My mom asked me if I would still date a girl who had cancer and lost her hair from chemo. i told her, "Of course, that just means she has better head!"
Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser? He got the sack..
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan
I entered the word bit*h into my GPS and guess what, I'm in your driveway!!
I'm gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads "In queso emergency, break glass"
A collection of OC jokes!
Here lies IcarusIsNotLonely, upon his gravestone lie his last words: "Oh fuck, a car!"
If I'm facing away from you during sex, assume I'm quietly enjoying a snack.
Where do fat people live? Obe-city
What's a pirates favorite letter? You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C". Happy talk like a pirate day!
How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carats!
FUN FACT: Teens in the late 1800s sent/received an average of 75 telegrams a day.
*sees person I know in a crowd* *waves enthusiastically* * realizes I don't know person* * changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Get in the car Robin
Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it.
Why do hippies like corduroy? Because the material is so groovy.
I asked a pregnant woman if she would have sex with me. She said "no, I don't do threesomes".
What do you call an Asian prize fighter who's dad has a serious case of diarrhea? A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy
People who like shitty lite pop-rock are lucky. They get to hear their favorite music in department stores and at the dentist.
What's the difference between Whose Line is it Anway and /r/jokes? On Whose Line is it Anyway, *everything* is made up.
*Robocop smashes tail light* Uh oh, that's a citation *He drops a bag of weed* Damn that's 20 years *Robohippie starts to sweat*
Give a man a fish & he'll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That's weird" Teach a man to fish & he'll be all "Again with the fish?"
50 shades of grey After reading 50 Shades of Grey my wife asked me to tie her tightly to the bed. "Now what?" I asked. "Hurt me!" "Ok. You have saggy tits"
Vacationing in Switzerland "So did you enjoy the beautiful scenery?" "I couldn't really see much because of the mountains."
Light is useful It helps us 'c' things.
Watched Avatar again and long story short, can you untie my ponytail from this horse?
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
What do you call a native american cook a sioux chef
I like my coffee like I like my women! I'm sure whatever you've got is fine. I'm pretty happy with anything.
What do Indian flowers grow? Patels (this may or may not have been inspired by a dumb facebook post I saw)
Two guys walked into a bar.. You would think one of them would of ducked!
An old man was having a check up.... The doctor asked how hid erections were doing. "They come and go."
No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity? ME: no thank you SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Why does Elton John play the piano? Because he sucks on an organ.
Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
Shout out to the sense of wonder in the eyes of children. Also to pistachios. I'll eat a shit ton of pistachios. Mmmm pistachios.
My parents kidnapped me. I was then born.
I asked my 3yo daughter if I should get a minivan... She said, no, you should get a Daisy van.
A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex The other 7% have not been to jail.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Him: I think you're my soul mate. Me: I'm so SO sorry for you.
I'll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I "overreact."
Why are blacks excited for 2016? Because it is the year of the monkey.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor] "How can I help you sir?" One clothes please!
The local high school volley ball team was having a game against the police force. It was time for the police to protect and serve.
Jokes about fat people aren't funny. They just don't work out.
Johnny Depp is to Tim Burton what Tyler Perry is to Tyler Perry.
Q: How did a blind woman pierce her ear? A: Answering the stapler.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
You know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing my clutch pedal down far enough
Hey, did you hear about the Mexican-Indian twins that just moved in next door? They're identical too! Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.
What did the Frenchman say when he saw a dirty toilet? Eau de Toilette! (eww, the toilet)
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos, I had to put my foot down
My Muslim girlfriend wants to blow me Should I be excited or call the cops?
What do you get if you play a C&amp;W song backwards? Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.
Why did the girl reject iron oxide? Because it was FeO
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon
I'm turning to Reddit to help crowdsource an OC joke about defective condoms but it's all been a bust. You pricks keep poking holes in it.
How do you solve world hunger and poverty simultaneously? By feeding the poor to the hungry.
why did princess Diana cross the road? she wasnt wearing her seatbelt....
Dark comedy is... Like water.......not everyone gets it.
Never threaten anyone. It spoils the surprise.
Girlfriend: Ok you hang up :-) Boyfriend: No You hang up first :-) Girlfriend: no you first Boyfriend: No you first NSA: both of you hang up
What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus
How to get laid: Step 1: Be an egg Step 2: That's literally it
What U.S. State has the smallest sodas? Minisoda
Why did Jon Snow become a spokesman for Rolex? For the time piece.
What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A virgin.
I have a great ebola joke! You probably won't get it
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Two pharaohs farted at the same time. They had a toot in common.
A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood
What's blue and sits on the toilet? A policeman doing his duty!
There was a new machine at the gym today. I had to stop using it after an hour as i felt sick, but it was worth it got through 4 kit kats 2 cherry cokes and 2 packets of crisps.
It's 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because it's pecker is on its head.
Oh good, I've made this mistake before so I know what to expect.
They say choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life... because that field probably isn't hiring.
I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, "Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?"
Men. Can't live with 'em...can't finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
A guy walks into a bar and asks "Do you serve lawyers?" The bartender responds "Yes, of course!" The man then says "Well then. I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."
Why are bananas so popular? Because they have appeal
What is the suicide emergency hotline number in Brazil? 127 Edit: [for clarification](http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/matches/round=255955/match=300186474/)
*describes my ideal woman to police sketch artist* "And I need you guys to find her by 9 tonight cuz this buffet coupon is about to expire."
What's in a white mans pants and more than 4 inches long? Nothing
Gf:Do u love me? Me:Yes. Gf:Why do u love me? Me:You're the best. Gf:I'm the best at what? Me:Asking questions. Gf: Like what? Me:...
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Fun prank: 1: steal your married friends phone 2: change your name to "Brandi from the club" 3: call them repeatedly and hang up at 3AM
"Can I get a do-over?" - Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life....
I was glad to see the back of my ex-girlfriend! She always insisted on having sex doggy-style....
I just saw a group of pandas pooping on the ground together What an embarrassment
Why does a white guy go to a brothel? For pleasure. Why does a black guy go to a brothel? He's looking for his mother.
Did you hear about the mutant that had a sex change? She's an Ex-Man
If I were a dog would you help me bury my bone?
What's a pirate's favorite workout program? Pirates (pronounced like pilates)
My friend told me his favourite word was 'many' It doesnt mean much to me...
How is God just like every other man? If you're not on your knees, he's not interested.
Yo moma is so... good looking, what happened you? edit: premature ejokulation
The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.
My friend has a compulsion to eat everything in sight, and as a result, he's put on a lot of weight... You might say he suffers from OBCD.
I tried to start a band called "999 megs"! Never did get a gig :(
I told my dog to bark. He said, "howwwl loud."
Do you know what makes pink lemonade pink? Strawberries.
Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water? She was taking god's name in vein.
Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America? Because Freedom Rings.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
Did you hear about the Indian who drank 4 gallons of tea? They found him dead the next day in his tea pee.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
My Grandma's church was odd in that they worshipped paintings. Very weird. Every week they would stand up and sing "How Great Thou Art"
When people write, "your dumb," maybe it's not a typo--they just mean stupidity belongs to you. "Here's your dumb now leave."
Today I asked the Director of Admissions at my University what the best thing about her job was... And she said, "Well, I gotta admit..."
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
"Papa who was Hamlet?" "You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was."
If a groom is a person that takes care of a horse, why don't they call the bride a jockey?
Slow down in those corduroy pants. You'll ignite a bush fire.
How many skateboarders does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it will take him 50 tries to do it.
What do you call a bunch of people buying non-brand name ice skates? Cheapskates getting cheap skates
The unused coloring book. Why can't the little girl color the elephant in her coloring book? Her arms are amputated.
A far right party wins an election in Germany with 60% of the vote. I did nazi that coming
Jesus spoke to me yesterday... But I don't like talking to my roofers, so I had his brother Juan tell him not to do that in the future.
What was Hitler's least favourite month? Jew-ne
Did you hear about the 6 guys and the woman that went fishing? The guys didn't catch anything, but the woman came home with a red snapper.
what does a Nazi turkey say? "Goebbles Goesbbles"
If a picture frame doesn't have the word "memories" written on it in giant cursive letters, how do I know what I'm looking at?!
"Yous shall not pass!" (Gandalfini)
What is Michal Jackson A Chocolate Cracker (if they exist)
You might be a redneck if someone shouts hoedown and your girlfriend hits the floor.
Which baseball team is currently the favourite  with hamburger fans? The Cincinnati Reds -because they're the Big Bread Machine!
What is the deadliest volcano? Mount Kill-a-man-jaro
I don't understand Fox and Friends. No one on the show is named Fox. Are they friends with a TV channel?
A man calls in to work sick on a Friday His boss asks him, "Why what's wrong with you?" He replies, "its my eyes boss... I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."
Why did the spud lover set his alarm for 8:00? Because he wanted to get a-po-ta-to clock. **EDITED** to make joke more apparent
So doctor how much time do I have left? 10... 10 what? 9, 8....
How does a barber avoid getting hair in his food? By giving her a Brazilian wax first!
Someone once told me "If you love something, set it free". I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
What do Michael Jackson and Jimmy Savile have in common? they touched some many lives
What's the most embarrassing part about Hillary Clinton's emails? The Nigerian Prince actually came through with the money transfer.
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But the dog died.
What do you call a prositute on her period? Unemployed.
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn't tell the kids what it is... He gives them a hint "It's what your mom calls me" The kids respond "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it"
How does NASA organize their missions. They Planet.
Why couldn't the motorcycle stand on it's own? because it was too tired.
Jobs that do not exist anymore Steve
How is being a Jew like eating a burrito? It's really not a problem until they give you gas.
Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ...Eat them!
What's the difference between an oyster with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? Well, one you shuck between the fits and the other...
What do you call someone who is known for being heartless and cold to others? Dead
"I can't wait until this one orange erases years of poor eating choices." -me, dieting
How much is Donald Trump's life insurance? Just one pence.
90% of my friends have hemorrhoids. The other 10% are perfect ass holes.
I added Michael J Fox as a friend on Instagram... He likes every single one of my photos.
What did the Computer Engineer say? What did the computer Engineer say when he saw his favorite drink? ICT
It's a shame that nobody is stepping up to defend the clown community Not even the mimes are talking
What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Peewee Herman have in common? They were both caught with hands in their drawers.
What time do dentists fly airplanes? Tooth Hurty (2:30)
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Why is it so hard to order pizza from me? I'll update with the hilarious punchline later...
My boyfriend doesn't believe in labels, which is probably why he drank all that bleach
I swear if I see one more tweet about 11/11/11 being once in A life time I will snap. Every date is once in a life time! That how time works
Drinking ink won't kill you, you'll just dye a little inside.
Sporty I bought my wife fumarate. Now during sex moans as Sharapova.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. First they beat the room for being black, then they arrest the light bulb for being broke.
I am Looking a Bank I am Looking for a Bank which can perform Two things for me. Give me a Loan, and then Leave me Alone....
Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
I'm Indian but not "able to read sanskrit" Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
What do they pass around after dinner at Buckingham Palace? Under Eights.
So if multiple cactus is cacti... NSFW Would a cat (animal) be cat-i?
Boy: Calls 911 Boy: calls 911 Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes. I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis. . . . . I'll see myself out.
Fox has cancelled American Idol. From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I'll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive! Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money? Like they do now... Holy shit.
What do you call a typo on a tombstone A grave mistake.
You know, I just love whiteboards... They're remarkable.
I try not to tweet about things I'm doing incase it gets taken out of context, but this cock is delicious!
What has bottom on the top? Legs.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches] "I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to."
"Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people." -my cat
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.
Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire? A: He got arrested just like you would've.
Hi college freshmen! I hope when you selected bedding for your dorm room you asked yourself, "Can I see myself throwing up on this pattern?"
I have submitted 10 jokes now trying to reach the front page... no pun in ten did.
Why did the hipster burn his tounge on his coffee? Cus he drank it before it was cool...
IT Jokes Wikipedia: I know everything! Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody! Internet: Without me you are nothing! Electricity: Keep talking bitches!
What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?... At least when your eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!
How do rabbits fly? In hareplanes.
I used to think "I hope I don't do anything stupid." Now it's more like "I hope whatever stupid shit I do at least fits in a tweet."
Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning  ? About an hour and a half after I arrived at school
I tried to upload the Brazil vs Germany game to pornhub... But they removed it for rape
*knock knock* Go away I'm not home "I can hear you" I can hear you too..go away "I brought food" What kind of food
Why couldn't the fortune teller fit into her shirt? Because she's a medium
What does the shy little pebble wish for? To be a little Bolder.
Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with  toads? She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.
Is your name Summer? Coz you're HOT!
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.
Today is Stevie Nicks' birthday. She is 67 years old. I wonder what that is in goat years?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make for love.
What does a baby have in common with a old car? They're fun to take apart, but they're a real bitch to put back together.
I went camping recently. It was intense.
What do you call a hippopotamus in an I.C.U.? Hippo-critical.
I wonder during the election for Pope, did the other cardinals point to the losers and say excitedly "you are NOT the  father"
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: "Good morning Bill."
Lebron James quits basketball to become an actor And he's taking his talents to Hollywood
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like everyone else in the car.
I never bought candy bars from those kids on my doorstep so I guess they're all in gangs now.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I don't like thinking about gravity. It brings me down.
Babies are just people that haven't hurt your feelings yet.
Everyone worries about Pao. They should be worried about... Darude Sandstorm
How many white teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb ...none they would rather sit in the dark (im white teenage and mean no harm in this joke)
My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.
What does your mom and a rain forest have in common? If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my cock!
Cocaine I tried and failed to use cocaine. It kept falling off the mirror in the bathroom.
A book fell on my head the other day, I only have my shelf to blame
Did you hear about that free-range astrophysicist buffalo? His name was Neil. Neil da Grass-fed Bison.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aldo ! Aldo who ? Aldo anywhere with you !
Yo momma's so fat... She got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
What do Nazi Germany and vaginas have in common? Their tendency to subjugate poles.
There is a fine line between "important to me" and "dead to me." Don't walk it.
How can you call someone and sound fabulous? Use a homophone.
I have a confession to make. I've been having sex with my staff. What's worse is I'm self employed!!!! Badaboom!
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
Don't be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn't going to fall out.
I wish I could erase my memory of certain movies so I could watch them again for the first time.
Approach a woman in a bar and whisper "Hey, wanna get out of here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
How many communists died during ww2? not enough
What did the bee say to his wife? No on knows. It's a Mister Bee.
If a duck and a elephant were to vote They'd vote for donald trunk
What did the spice merchant say when someone knocked on his door? Cumin!
Bigfoot walks into a bar.. The bartender is no longer able to discern reality and spends the rest of his life in a mental institution.
What do black people and Apple Inc. have in common? They have no jobs
How can you tell an old person from a young person? An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.
How does a neckbeard make a scotch egg? He has to Breddit
Where do most black people work? In jail
What do you call? What do you call a donkey with three legs?? A wonkey!!
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put -spider hokey pokey
For sale: Standards. Mint condition. Barely used.
Had a very hot curry last night and now my asshole is on fire ... I'm suffering from deja vindaloo.
One man's girlfriend is another man's Twitter password.
Girl, do you have a defibrillator? Cause my heart stops everytime I see you
Fact: 9/10 people enjoy date rape
Your mom's got eight vaginas and a Ph.D. We call her Dr. Octopus.
What do you call a hirsute ceramicist? Hairy Potter
Son: Dad can sand melt? Me putting down my glass: Don't be ridiculous of course it can't
What do you call a redhead with a yeast infection? Gingerbread
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon...
Cakeday special - what did the Chinese gangster do? Made him an offer he couldn't understand
I hope Jessica Biel names her first child Batmo.
What's the difference between parsley.... and pussy? Nobody eats parsley anymore.
How do you plug a plow into a car stereo? Through the ox input.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
What do you call a handjob from a rocket scientist? A stroke of genius.
Two things I will never understand the appeal of: 1) Open relationships 2) Hairless cats
A local census says that on average, 1 in every 4 guys is gay I hope it's Dave- i think he's kinda cute
Every time I see the headline 'tragedy on film set' I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Last night I wrote myself a letter. But I forgot to sign it and now I don't know who it's from.
My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill. He gave me another six months.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you've made in your life
I asked my yoga teacher what my purpose in life is she said " To inspire and then expire"
What do you call a cross between a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye
What do you call a person who makes surrealist sandwiches? Salvador Deli.
I can tell a train has been through here recently... You know how I can tell? Cause there is its tracks.
Why shouldn't white people swim? Crackers get soggy when wet.
What do terrorists eat when its sunny? Choc-ISIS
I like my coffee like I like my women. Strong and Bitter
What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex Honey I'm home
Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.
How do you know you are at a picnic with gay men? All the hot dogs taste like shit
Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.
Horse trots up and says to mirror: "why the long face?" Mirror says "It's okay, I'm just a bit reflective today." I'll be here all week folks.
"You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck." - my voicemail message
TIFU by making my husband the wrong sandwich Oops, wrong sub!
It's the eye of the tiger. It's the spleen of a sheep.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass
What is 6.9? A really good time ruined by a period.
How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. But I don't know how they got in there.
Why does a dog? Why does a dog lick its butt? To get the taste of dog food out of its mouth.
Why are libraries so strict? Because they have to go by the book.
Went to Bingo yesterday, Got two fat ladies... Worst 3some ever.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it's Wednesday.
I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like "That one's shaped like an idiot."
Can't decide if I should start this laundry or fake my own death.
What did the Reddit admins do for Christmas? [removed]
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
All Condoms have serial numbers on them- They do? I've never seen one- Yeah, C'mon, you know..Big numbers...at the...Oh... I guess you've never had to roll one back that far....
If 4 people have sex is called a four-some 3 people have sex is a three-some and 2 people have sex is a two-some Now you know why they call me handsome
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
reverse racism the biggest joke of all
A man would never say... STOP SUCKING MY DICK OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE!
Did you hear Ben and Jerry's are naming a flavor in honor of Jerry Sandusky? They are calling it Raspberry Turnover
Professor: What is an independent variable? Student: A variable who don't need no man
I went to specsavers the other day.. ...guess who I bumped into? Everyone!
Why did Bill Cosby go to Japan with a bag of roofies? He had Jello fever!
What did the Buffalo say to his son that was leaving for College? Bison
me: "4,000 for a beehive?" salesman: "sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that's only 50p each" me: [checking my wallet] "give me 3 bees"
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
How do you play Iraqi bingo?  F18...B52...F18
What's the difference?? What's the difference between Cinderella and Princess Diana?  At midnight Cinderella's car didn't turn into a wall.
Save the date! Someone is trying to ruin it by having a wedding.
Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed "we don't have a dog" *smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I can't believe how much I cried after that recent episode of the Game of Thrones! "*There will be no walk of atonement."* Sigh.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes!
I like my weekdays like Marx likes his societies. Classless.
Q: What do you call that great feeling of satisfaction you get when you finish your homework? A: The aftermath.
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being raped by a giant praying mantis.
What's it called when the queen farts? Helium Neon Argon Krypton Xenon Radon
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
"We're going to need a bigger pocket." - iPhone 6 Plus
How Can You Tell It's Fall In Florida? When the color of the license plates start to change.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Disco Barbie ...dressed in chiffon; inclbiudes disco ball
I have a new word for vibrator ... selfie stick
Sometimes I leave a trail of pizza crumbs around the house so I can find my way back to the TV
Did you hear about the lawyer selling moonshine from a van outside the courthouse? He was disbarred.
If only there were mosquito nets in Africa... We could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.
This is Bill Bill has a wife Bill isn't scared of his wife & says what he wants when he.. This is Bill's wife Bill is no longer available
Knock Knock Who's there ! Costa ! Costa who ? Costa lot !
Technically... It's only illegal when you get arrested.
Genders are like the twin towers There used to be two of them and now it's a really touchy subject
What does Egyptian airport security have in common with Los Angeles airport security? Both have LAX security.
[nsfw] This is the worst joke I have heard.... What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby? You don't cum on an apple before you eat it...
What is the quickest way to get Trump out of The White House?? Put Monica Lewinsky in there. She's not the hero we deserve, but she'd be da real MVP we need right now.
Knock Knock! *Who's there?* Dwayne. *Dwayne who?* DWAYNE DA BAFFTUB!! I'M DWOWNIN'!!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it's just pointing to another refrigerator.
Why do we call it politics? Because poly means many and ticks mean blood-sucking parasites.
You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever" !
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Stephen Hawking believes he's solved a huge mystery about black holes ...and he'll keep believing as long as we all play along, ok? He's adorable.
Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.
Just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"
[during sex] HER: this isn't working out ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
Want to know how to make your PC faster? Paint it black.
What do bees chew? Bumble gum.
I go in hard, I come in soft, you blow me. What am I? Gum.
Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother? Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years and the very day after he took that medicine he heard from America!
So a man is alone in a forest And if his wife isn't around to hear him. Is he still wrong?
I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.
What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians? A drummer.
He was next in line at Starbucks. Then she cut in front of him. Liam Neeson in TAKEN 3: SKINNY VANILLA MAYHEM.
Bet you can't guess my favorite hue Hue Jackman
I hate gingerbread. If I owned a bakery, I wouldn't tolerate gingerbread. I'd be like, "Get outta here, you redhead. Your money isn't good here."
What do Indian Flowers grow? Patels.
Reddit is going orange From what I hear it's a new black.
Q: What did the writing utensil take for his high sugar level? A: Pencil-in.
What's the difference between a white Jew and a black Jew? The black Jew has to sit in the back of the gas chamber.
My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.
I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary... What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous ...
why did Hitler kill himself because he saw his gas bill
I tried to offer my school administrator a bribe But he was too principled
Knock Knock Who's there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking!
What do you call a woman who's not wearing underwear? A barracuchi.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Running out of space for your porn collection? Just download midget porn, it's half the size
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini 2nd Tombstone: Now I'm over here
whats the difference between Michael Phelps and adolf hitler Michael Phelps can finish a race
Told my grandma that some chimps and monkeys are learning to hunt with Spears. She responded with "what? Are they gonna join isis too?"
If the Pottery Barn didn't want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn't have called it a barn.
I once new a guy that worked at a tool and die company... ...He was hit with a tool, and died
What Does a Duck Smoke? ( _)&gt;- **Quack** (_)
What did the three holes in the ground say? Well, well, well My grandpa's favorite joke. Took me five years to get it.
What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.
What do you call it when fish stop having babies? Minnow-pause
What did the blonde say when she looked down at her bowl of Cheerios? Look, donut seeds!
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password? Me: oh shi-- [Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Yesterday, my Muslim friend ask me if I want to breakfast together It was stupid to wait at his door on 9am.
Monica Lewinsky turns 39!! They grow up so fast...seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees puting everything in her mouth!!!
Damn, girl! Are you Iocane Powder? Because I've spent the last few years of my life building up an immunity to Iocane Powder. So, yeah...
What's the difference between an all girls soccer team and a tribe of pygmies? One is a bunch of cunning runts.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch  Doll? Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!
What do you call a hatred for large plants? Bigotree
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
What do you call a cancerous growth on a clown? A *humor*.
My dad I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What do you call a Mexican in quick sand? Quatro Sinko
Where do you party on a ship? Where the funnel be!
My wife's a biology teacher... This morning she asked how I wanted my eggs. I told her, "Ovariesy."
I feel like aging is a lot easier for unattractive people.
How would it be living in an only men city? I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.
We have to break up. What? Why? It's not Staryu... it's Starmie.
Why is the United States always in political disarray? It's a nation without a litre.
How do you tell if your gas station attendant is a former porn star? Right before he finishes pumping your gas he takes it out and sprays it all over your car
What do a coffee pot, Irene, and the reigning Stanley Cup champions have in common? They're a-Brew'in!
"I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My math teacher called me average How mean.
What do you call phrases that Jews often say? Judaisms.
Joined Match.com... And all I got was a lit cigarette
What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer? Woofleball
The difference between a rock band and a jazz group The rock band will play 3 chords in front of 1000 people. The jazz group will play 1000 chords in front of 3 people.
It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"
Heard the one about the wealthy lesbian prostitute? She makes money hand over fist
I was going to tell a gay joke. Butt fuck it!
Imagine a world without war where we remember scientists and artists.
How to legalize animal poaching ? Drop a kid in their zoo enclosure.
Brazil is getting slaughtered I can't take it an Neymar
Why was the math book sad? It had a lot of problems
Setp 1: Learn Spelling
Two lawyers are sitting in a bar... ... When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?" and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what?"
What do you call a guy with no legs at your front door? Matt
Sometimes you have to choose between what is hard and what is easy Luckily for you I'm both right now
How does ISIL prefer their eggs? Sunni side up at first. But they always end up scrambled.
Whenever I see a middle-aged guy trying desperately to hang onto his youth, I always think "I should move this mirror".
I told my chef wife that if she were to leave me... please leave me one of your incredible cupcakes. She replied..."I won't dessert you."
You know you're in your 30's and single when you automatically look for wedding rings even while watching porn.
The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure
What do you calll a woman that people sit on ? Cher !
A Priest and a Rabbi were walking down the street. They spied a young boy playing up the street. The Priest said to the Rabbi, "let's go up and fuck that boy". The Rabbi said "out of how much".
So an Irish man walks out of a bar...
Anybody wanna play Pearl Harbour? I lay down and you blow me to heavens!
I like to bring bags of winter clothes into strip clubs and tell them to cover up. Then yell how they're embarrassing the family.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?  Because he had low elf esteem.
April is alcohol awareness month.....I think we're all aware. Cheers!
What do Russians and gays have in common? They both like bears.
I hate it when I go to bed and forget to turn off my swag.
A man came to my door earlier and asked for a small donation towards the town's new swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water
My friend can talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation til he's blue in the face.
When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn't know how to have fun.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An in"vest"igator :D
I've adjusted my insults to be more pc Instead of calling people gay, I call them straight.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need 1 nail to hang the picture
I was doing the dishes and i realized.. If we could cover our Military vehicles in dried egg yolk we would be unstoppable.
Black people love boom boxes .. I hate to generalize, but it's their stereotype ;-)
I'm going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I'll also bring a horse.
Why is it called PMS'ing? Mad cow disease was already taken.
What do jehovah's witnesses believe in? That I will open the door
Two Jihadis Walked In to a bar They didn't blow it up.
"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you threw an Iphone in your blender and screamed 'I WANT APPLE JUICE!' "
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that's my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
What has a 10 foot neck four legs and loves money. A Jewraffe
Everybody keeps downvoting my racist jokes It's like a load of black people have suddenly gotten laptops or something.
Why are there so many doctors in India? Because about 20 million people are Sikh.
What do you call a German with a cold?
Just to clarify: If original content is about Carlos Mencia, is it a repost?
*ding* This is your captain speaking. We... Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We're out of fuel.
I recently turned 18 and got an eye test Kind of bummed I didn't get adult super vision
Kid says "mommy how come I'm black and your white? Mom says "listen the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark"
I get suicidal when I play guitar So I don't fret about it Sorry [8]
I can't wait until humans move to a new planet and someone says, 'Remember having 24-hour days?' and some jerk responds, 'First world problems.' -Geoffrey Asmus
What do you call a medical student that graduated at the bottom of his class with a 2.0 GPA? A doctor
Why doesn't democracy work in china? Because no one wants to hold an erection.
What's the difference between sex and conversation? You don't know? Well let's go have a discussion...
Why are vegans so salty? To hide the fact that their food has no flavor.
Where assholes go to die The cheap toilet paper section.
Why isn't Half-Life 3 coming out? Because 2 Half-Lives = 1 whole life.
Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of? He'd been unarmed and defeated
Pillow fights didn't last as long in the Stone Age.
What do you call a dog that does magic? A labracadabrador
Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would have been too farty.
new book out: "How I Fell Off a Cliff" by Eileen Dover
Racist comments... Just like grandma used to make
I've lost all ability to feel... I'm numb.... I'm starting to slip away... I look forward to the empty, meaningless void Now pull the damn tooth, Doctor
Do scooby got a booty? Scooby doo.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggy!
Why are muslim people so kind-hearted? Because they don't live long, especially when they're a bomb
The past, the present, and the future... The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar together. It was tense.
I'm sitting in a booster seat in the back of a minivan because I want to teach my kids right and my 8yo called shotgun fair & square.
I bought my wife some gloves and a sex toy for her birthday if she doesn't like the gloves she can go f*ck herself
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain't buying shit until i find you on yelp
What's black brown and white black brown and white brown and white etc.? A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!
How do you throw a party in space? You planet
Do you know a favourite expression used by the Gorillas? Apesy daisy!
Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes? A: She couldn't find the recipe.
Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a potato.
I was talking to my ex and she got the wrong end of the stick. The end that had been sharpened to a fine point.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.
So i was talking to my friend who's a dyslexic philosopher And he says to me "You know what, recently i've been wondering if there really is a dog"
I entered a joke contest and to increase my chances of winning I submit 10 jokes.... Unfortunately I didn't win, no pun in ten did...
"Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?" - podium salesman
Anal with my girlfriend made my whole day But it made her whole week.
BREAKING: Israel Planning Surgery to Have its Dick Removed From GOP candidates Mouths
"Hold the door!!!" "What door?"
It's pretty amazing that I'm able to balance my two kids, my career as a doctor, and my pathological lying!!
Reddit is a really blue community... ...because everyone is really sad about all the "reddit is green" reposts.
Saw this in a Textbook today What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There's 20 of them
Set of jumper cables walks into a bar... The bartender looks them up and down really slow and says, OK, I'll serve you, but don't be starting anything.
What do you call it... when an old man cums all over you? Viagra Falls My wife just made up this joke and wondered if she actually made it up or if she is just not remembering where she heard it.
Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.
How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool? Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I'll assume you're Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
You remember those yardsticks? They don't make them any longer.
I decided to sell my Hoover... Well, it was just collecting dust.
What do u call a gay dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass
Why is suicide illegal? Because no one wants to clean up your mess.
Is the bakery hiring? Cause I think I'll knead a little bit of dough to get by.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven't done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Why Did Donald Trump Get Fired When He Was a Carpenter? He wouldn't take down any walls.
Fuck. We're gonna be known as the generation that loved autocorrect fails
Word. ~ Microsoft.
My dyslexic friend sobbed uncontrollably as he confessed that he kept spelling his own name backwards I really do feel for Bob.
(Very) dirty joke time: How does a mother in West Virginia know when her daughter is on her period? Her son's dick tastes like blood.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
What do you call a lazy fan of the old Price is Right? a Barker Lounger !
Kim Kardashian just had a miscarriage... Her next show is going to be called 'Mopping Up After A Kardashian'
What do Australians use for sun burns? Aloe, mate. I'm sorry
What did the elephant say to the man? How do you breathe through something so small?
When should I borrow the Fatboy Slim joke from the library? Right about now, funk soul brother. Check it out now, funk soul brother.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out "swag" or "bae" on the Ouija boards
The Native Americans used to trust the white man, now they have their reservations.
No thanks, babies. If I'm going to let something inside of my body that's going to destroy my figure, it'll be cheese, bread and booze.
What do lesbians in Alaska sing? What would you do ew ew in a Klondike bar.
I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.
Me: There is a small tree on fire. 911: Could you describe it? Me:Picture shrubbery...now picture it engulfed in flames.
Johnson, Clinton, and Trump are lost at sea. Who wins the election? America.
How come Django's wife never hears Django coming? The D is silent.
I need to get something off my chest... It's called breast cancer. I'm so sorry.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do. *sets phone on fire*
What do wizards call unmagical African Americans? Niggles
A man was walking on a nude beach... A man with a foot long dick was walking on a nude beach when he was arrested by the police. The charge? Weapons of Lass Destruction
What do you call someone who supports Hillary? Paid off.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.
How do you know when your BBQ is ready in Canada in April? The snow on top of it has melted.
Sex through the ages: Age 20-30: Tri-weekly Age 30-40: Try weekly Age 40-50: Try weakly
So it's my birthday and my parent sang me happy birthday. Mom: "Happy birthday to you!" Dad: "Happy birthday to you!" Mom: "Happy birthday to you!" Dad: "You were born because your mom sniffed glue."
I named my penis Truth... Because bitches can't handle it!
Why are redneck murders hard to solve? No dental records and the DNA is all the same.
Why did the T-Rex get hammered at noon? Because he's a Wino-saur!
Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year? He got coal for Christmas.
Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo? A cub reporter.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *Terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, 'Nice one, huh?'
It's a sad moment when you realize the trash goes out more often than you do.
I was touched by Jesus once Worst field trip to a Mexican prison ever
What's better: A Parachute Jump or a BJ of a 90 year old? doesn't matter... must not look down..
There was a pregnant woman.... She was in labor and the doctor said: 'It's labor day!'
I just got fired for looking up clown videos on my lunch break. My boss didn't buy that "Lisa Ann gets creampied" is a clown video
A prostate exam... Is worrying when the doctor shouts "look no hands!"
I think my girlfriend would be a great presidential candidate, Because she's so awesome at bringing up shit from the past.
two fish in a tank. one says to the other... **how do you drive this thing?**
No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.
How did the bird get his bluetooth to work? He had to parrot.
I have no beef with vegetarians.
"Why is there a jar of pickles in the bathroom?" "I like pickles." "Do you eat them when you're on the toilet?" "Ewww! EAT them?! Gross!"
What do a call a fish with no eyes A blind fish
Why are fruit rapists seldom found alone? They come in pears
What do you call the child of two parents with downs syndrome? A hand-me-down.
*me at fast food counter* "hey mister, did this meat bark or meow?" "It asked stupid questions."
Two atoms walked out of a bar. One turned to the other one and said, "we've got to go back in there, I left an electron" The other one asked, "Are you sure?" He replied, "Yes, I'm positive"
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Me: I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. Him: Ma'am, for the last time, we don't have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig
A black guy walks into a police station in Florida and he never comes out.
I like my women like I like my coffee.... Ground up and in the freezer.
What do you call a panda who's legs don't work? Pandapalegic
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None!
Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.
If you slap a christian girl on the ass... Would she turn the other cheek?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
What did Bruce Lee say about NASA'S discovery WA-TAH!
What kind of bee can't be understood ? A mumble bee !
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree? "I'd tap that."
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same.
Mission Impossible? He's done four of them now. Let's call it "Mission Pretty Hard but Ultimately Doable"
Memories. That's how I want to be remembered.
you hear about the indian chief that drank a case of tea he died in his tee pee
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a bad joke?
You hate me? Well okay, grab a chair and wait for me to care.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day. And something about listening.
What's the difference between Santa Claus &amp; Michael Jackson? one comes when children dream &amp; the other dreams of children coming*.
Why was the banker bored? Because he lost interest in everything.
Where do you take a sick wasp? To waspital.
The Koala should be classified as a bear It has all the Koalafications
I'd say giving birth to a dead baby is better than having a miscarriage At least your baby's still born?
Is this where you put your jokes? According to my ex wife my career and penis should be here
I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store.
I can't figure out if I'm drinking Malibu rum or licking sun tan lotion off skin.
"Donatello choose ur weapon" "I'll take a stick" "Really not a sword? Nunchu.." "A STICK" "Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?" "..." "Ugh"
What do you call a terrorist from Paris? A Paririst
How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb? "Ummm ... forget about the changing the lightbulb, honey, maybe let's start with changing those curtains"
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it
Why are Cal Tech and MIT constantly Fighting? Because MIT blames Cal Tech for stealing their Feynman, and there will never be another man as Fine.
Whats pink and smells awful? Your mums cunt lol
My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...
[sees crush] Oh you're going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
What do you call a pig... ...with an unusually high IQ? Einswine
Liam Gallagher was never good in science. When asked to name 3 chemical elements, he said "Gold and silver and sunshine."
I should rename myself Summer. All girls want is Summer to come.
The Wizard of Oz, synopsis. Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Why do clowns hate assassins? Because they go for the juggler.
Here's another great Ellen Pao Joke [deleted]
"War Horse" and "The Help" are the SAME movie! I watched them on my laptop and they BOTH have a 90 minute scene where I just check Facebook.
How do the Chinese select their baby names? They chuck a tin can down the stairs Ping Wong  ching  Pang
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being GUY: Not every fiber? ME: I hate alot of people. I'm not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I've become quite independent since my wife left... I just put my second load of washing through the microwave.
*puts sunglasses on a watermelon* *punches watermelon* "WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!" *slams hands down* "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!"
I was going to tell you a joke about a cow. But its udderly ridiculous
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all  night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Wanna hear a joke? Lifetime movies.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor's cat....she's out there rubbing up against it now
Height of .... Height of Stupidity - Looking through the keyhole of a glass door.. Height of embarrassment - when you find other person looking through the other side of the same keyhole..
I got banned from the hardware store Every time I walk in, all the stud finders start beeping.
Pretty Punny! What did the cat stripper say when she found out she was being replaced by a younger pussy?????? You've gotta be Kitten me!
Whenever someone says, "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes.
I just said "bye - bye" when I ended a phone call, and now I'm debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Short seal joke A baby seal walks into a club
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I hate Housework!!! You do the dishes!! You do the Laundry!! ...and then 6 months later you have to do it all over again!
My mom drove her car into a tree. She sure found out how a Mercedes bends.
What did the old Frankish barbarians say to the Roman invasion? [](/dumbfabric)"You don't have the *Gaul* to do it!"
Why did the raging alcoholic throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila
*judge bangs gavel on desk* *judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning* *judge tell gavel he loves her* *judge marries gavel*
I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"
You face Ha got "em"
Do you know why I have airplane-mode turned on on my phone all the time? 'Cause I'm so fly
Someone posted an ad claiming she can wax my chest without any pain at all. Sounds nice, but I'm kind of nervous. Do you really think she could pull it off?
I like to kiss my girlfriends neck. I guess I'm a neck romancer.
Did you hear about that frog that broke a bone? Yea he broke a ribbet
Why was the volcano so pleasant to be around? Because he was so magmanimous.
Jesus may have turned water into wine But I turned a whole student loan check into vodka
So Trump says he picked a bunch of great people to run the government... But honestly, I've seen better cabinets at IKEA.
What do you call a penis with bad logic? A phallusy.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?
You'll know it's true love when you're in your late 30s and have no other options.
Interview Boss: Greatest weakness Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics B: Is that here on your resume M: Whoomp, there it is
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.
My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want
I have my girlfriend a teeth whitening today. Too bad most landed on her chin
Will net neutrality be defeated? Is the Gangnam Style finally over? Is Tupac really alive? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
George invited all his friends for a no-masturbation get-together They came within the hour.
Hey people who don't understand sarcasm, what's it like being so awesome?
John: There are places... Paul: I remember George: All my life, though... Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Why couldn't the radish finish the race? He was just a little beet.
How do you start an insect race ? One two flea - go
I've recently obtained a book on the guidelines of masturbation So far, I've stuck to it.
What did T say to reassure V? "Don't worry. I'm right behind U."
What does a dog become after it 6 years old? Seven years old.
I became an atheist when I found out there was a religion that prohibited bacon.
Judge: "Reason for divorce?" Me: "Reconcilable differences." Judge: "Don't you mean irreconcilable?" Me: "Ugh. You sound just like her."
There are 10 types of people in this world Those who can read binary and those who can't.
cop: "sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood" me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way] cop: "ok that's better"
What does Gordon Ramsay say when he gets a rash? IT'S FUCKING RAW!
Latest news from the FIFA corruption scandal: Shock announcement from FIFA's Ethics Committee: "FIFA has an Ethics Committee"
According to HR, white people aren't issued a race card, and they'd appreciate if I went back to my desk. *shrugs*
I hate three things (1) Posting on /r/Jokes (2) Lists (3) Irony
If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.
What do we want? Race-car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!
I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision... ...it was a total rip-off!
What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi? There, Their, They're
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
What do you do when a horse breaks down? Call triple neighhh!
I was gonna go as myself for Halloween this year... But after Trump's comment, I think I'm gonna get grabbed a lot
I walk around with a hockey bag filled with dildos & chihuahua's just in case Paris Hilton fires her assistant and is looking for a new one.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh. Two words: No pants.
Did you hear that AIDS isn't spread by a virus? Yeah! It's spread by a fungi!!
What do you call a poster of a sexy pepper? A jalapinup
Things Michael J. Fox would be good at Grating Parmesan cheese.
Money cant buy happiness . . . but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
I just got carded at Forever 21. This is bullshit!
There's a little "I'm jealous" in every "whatever."
Why don't they make bouncy houses for adults? You'd spill your drink.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I lost 50 pounds in two days Im never playing poker again
Damn girl, are you today's date? Because you're 10/10 I know we've been doing anti-joke pick up lines but this only comes once a year.
What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours. Him: Why'd you shave it off? Me: I just told you...
How do you throw an egg at the wall without breaking it? With the chicken still around it
"I shit you not" - Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Which kid? Wife: Honey, i think you don't love our kids equally. It seems you have one that gets less love from you. Husband: Really? Which kid do you mean? Karl, Tina or the fat one
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change shit.
What's the speed limit of sex? 68 Because at 69, you flip over and eat it.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I'm starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres just drowned? They found her face down in Ricki Lake
I really like the concept of train tickets. It's an idea I could get onboard with.
Why don't women wear skirts during winter? They'll get chapped lips!
Have you heard about the first restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Two pieces of asphalt are at a bar A piece of red asphalt walks in. One says to the other "watch out for him, he used to be a cyclepath".
The guys that taught me every medicine joke I know just arrived at my doorstep. I decided to in-vitamin.
Why will you never see a stag on the internet? They like to stay anony-moose
What do you get when you vaporize a king? A noble gas.
I took some pictures of my girlfriend's butt this morning I'm saving them for posteriority.
How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed? By the "M" on his pajamas.
A crow once made plans to hang out with me, but he never showed up... ... because he got arrested for attempted murder.
I was eating at a nice dinner last night and realized that we spend a lot of money on something that is just going to turn to shit. But enough about my romantic relationships.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who's a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.Dog obituary
Fish and chips joke I draw the line at having fish and chips for breakfast I mean, there's a time and a plaice
THE TASTE OF A NEW GENERATION What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common? They both have plastic juggs.
Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said, "I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn Left.
My dad wants to open a funeral home.. Doss Family Mortuary : "We'll take care of your stiffies for you"
You know what would be a good name for a cocaine delivery service company? Instagram
What body movements alert you that a politician is lying? His lips are moving.
A giraffe walks into a bar. He slides up to the bar tender and says "High balls are on me".
There is no such thing as Internet stalking. Stalking requires physical activity. Fun activity like softly brushing your hair at night Sarah
[Coffee line] *Sees cute barista* *Twirls hair* No whipped cream please *Sees his backward sunglasses* *Drops hand* Never mind. Load it up.
The other night I had a dream I was being wanked off by a Ghost. I was scared stiff.
How do you know you're speaking with an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.
I see said the blind man As he picked up his hammer and saw.
A short poem for y'all... "*Roses are black* *Violets are black* *Everything's black* *Even I am black*" - Stevie Wonder
I just joined Twitter; it's really easy to follow people. Too bad it cuts into my exercise.
Daddy what is a transvestite? Ask your mommy He knows it.
Creed is Alter Bridge with a stapp infection.
How do blonde braincells die? Alone. 
My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions Not quite sure how I feel about it
The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?
Eating a full box of chocolate is like shi# posting. After some time you get a lot of backfire and takes a lot of time to get yourself clean.
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with three guys? She came back with a red snapper.
Have you heard about the guy who reanimated the dead? He made Mary Shelly roll over in her grave.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.
How to be an asian... Just squint your eyes and say "We all how smaw deek" out loud.
[NSFW] If you masturbate with a rowing stick... Will you have an orgasm?
What do you call a fish without any eyes? Boneless chicken
The man who invented distorted mirrors has died. His funeral will be held in asymmetry.
They say the best things come in small packages So I fucked a midget
Famous last words (silence)
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention "amnesia pills" but did anyway? "No" excellent.
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
What do you call an overweight homosexual? Jigglypuff.
I'm so done with Apple products! Their phones can't do jack...
Eventually Adobe is going to release a software application that does nothing but update itself.
Why do Jewish men get circumsized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 30% off.
I was going to get a cheap circumcision but I realized it was a rip off.
How to tell if she's odd... ...she can't even.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey? He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.
I always get homophone and homophobe mixed up. I just know that one of them secretly likes caulk.
Customer spelling her name: Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra? Her: Z as in Xylophone. And this, kids, is why education is key.
Rand Paul's debate strategy has been leaked. He's going to filibuster the GOP debate.
If you ever travel to Italy, you have to try their famous food called "Pasta," which I believe is Italian for "Pizza."
"No way." -Jose
Pickle bread How do you make pickle bread? You use dill dough.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
If you follow the rules of grammar, people will always help you. If you don't, your on you're own.
Never ask white Americans what their ethnicity is unless you wanna hear a list of every European country and meaningless fractions.
I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at  the bottom of the ocean?
How did Marty McFly react when shown what 2015 would really look like? Gee, it's hard to say, although he did seem pretty shaken up about it.
When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren't evidence in a murder that life's trying to frame you for.
Democrats must be so thirsty Cause of all the salt.
I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.
So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine. It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.
Man goes into the store... ...and he's quite startled by what he sees. The clerk has these great bushy eyebrows. Horrified, the man stutters, "Can eyebrows your inventory?"
<---- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.
How do neurons communicate? Cell phones
No one is completely useless... You can always be used as a bad example.
My fast joke Are you a human or a dog
What's black, white, and red all over and can't turn around in a narrow hallway? A nun with a spear through her head.
My body is a temple... And it's devoted to Dionysus. Cheers.
I once played the back end of a wasp in a pantomime play. But I thought I was the bees' knees...
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I'm a huge python, btw.
It's been a big year for my ten-year-old. Two months ago, he attended his first confession.... .... It took the cops four hours to break him. He's got some willpower, that kid!
What's an emo's favorite file type? .rar
What do you call a chiropractor in Egypt? A cairopractor.
[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest... Whoops, wrong thread.
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? greg.
What kind of jackets do Audiophiles wear? FLAC jackets
Shot my dog 's'mornin' Farmer: "Shot my dog 's'mornin' Friend: "Were he mad?" Farmer: "Twernt too pleased."
Do your socks have holes in them? No? Then how did you get them on?
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet? It's because they lactose!
Jewish Pizza What is the difference between a jew and a Pizza? The pizza does not scream when you put it in a oven.
Why can't unicorns play soccer? Because they don't exist
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes can get old....
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight...
Why was the bumble bee wearing a yamaka? Because he didn't want to be mistaken for a WASP
When life gives you lemons....a simple operation can give you melons. All the joke is in the title, so you can save that click.
Why did Rosemary get kicked out of the spice rack? For swallowing Poppy's Seed
Why do java coders wear glasses? Because they don't C#
I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
The south was reported to have more Ashley Madison users than any other region in the U.S. I guess family isn't always enough.
How do you make a hamburger smile? Pickle it gently!
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else's coffee machine.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says "youre going to hell". The bum yells "Damn, Im on the wrong bus" ! :D
Here's how pessimism works. It never works.
Why don't Baptist preachers color their hair? They just pray the gray away
What do you call a store that sells terribly made Nun appeal? The Bad Habit.
How many potato's does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
A man once offered me a job selling fog, but I said no Looking back, I think it was a mist opportunity.
Santorum I thought he didn't believe in pulling out?
TV is the best girlfriend Because, no matter what happens, I can always turn it on.
If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die. "Sorry sir, we are closed." FIRE! "Good morning." FIRE!
Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas? Elf and safety
I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker
What do Nazi marijuana farmers say to their employees? BALE HYDRO!!
A joke I made up yesterday . . . Relationships are like socks. They're cool with me, as long as they are the same color.
An asian woman gets into car and starts driving... thought you'd enjoy that one.
My friends won't get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is "mexillent".
Nothing beats a pretty girl with a beautiful singing voice except for Chris Brown
What do you call a slutty egg? Over easy!
JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! *Car crashes*
Nobody heard those terrorist attacks coming... Never forget the tragic events of mime-eleven
I hate when people tell me to have a safe flight. Like I have a choice. It's either back home, or in a swamp. I'll try really hard to live.
What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? "Are you done?"
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member? He went around killing gingers.
I had a debate with myself about masturbation... ... On one hand it's feels good. And on the other it feels great!
What is the lactose intolerant man's least favorite chore? Laun-dairy.
How to make employees fool!!! Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee). They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.
Just saw Elle Fanning. I was blown away.
I finished my culinary class final. It was a piece of cake.
Salesman: Roll up roll up! Come to our  mammoth sale. Mammoth bargains to be had in our mammoth sale.  Customer: Forget it! No one round here's got room in their houses for a mammoth.
Fine Bros can't sue metal beams, Because they don't react to jet fuel.
My parents once made me smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. To teach me about brand loyalty.
How do you know if somebody's Christian? Don't worry, They'll fucking tell you.
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will you have?" The seals says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I want to write a sexually charged novel with an FBI twist. *Fifty Raids A Day*
I'll tell you what I know about midgets and dwarves. Very little
They say they're free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.
Funny school joke Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
What do you get when you cross an orthodontist and a secret agent? It's confi-dental
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I'm crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he's the one that's married.
Guerrilla Glue It only works when you don't look at it.
Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?" "I'll be Bach"
I was told to do what I love I went to sleep.
How do you stop your children from smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.
Americans may not get this... Healthcare
The pun-ishment of notes When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.
Two Gay Men Walk Into A Bar One sits down, the other says "Can I push your stool in?"
Marriage is like walk in park.... and the name of this park is "Jurassic Park"
Why did the guitarist get arrested? For fingering A Minor
WHY DID THE HIPPOPOTAMUS NEED HIS VENTILIN? BECAUSE HE WAS HIPPOVENTILATING!
If I played Edward Scissor Hands in paper, rock, scissors every once in a while I'd throw a paper in there so he wouldn't feel too bad.
Black eye Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye? Sam: "My wife" Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend." Sam: "So did I."
take our dunkin donuts survey and be entered to win $50000! question 1: how sure can you *really* be that they are your real parents?
I've never seen an "outtie" belly button in all the years of porn I've watched. I'm kinda glad, I don't want my eyes to get poked out.
Please pray for the private school kid whose dad drops him off in a 3-year-old car.
How do you greet a slice of bread in Germany? Gluten tag! Ba-dum tss.
"My girlfriend is 41 years old" - "My girlfriend is 41 years old." - "Dude, wth?! She can be your mom!!!" - "Yes, but she's yours" - ._.
My dad was walking around the house screaming yesterday.... He kept shouting, "A, E, I, O, U". "What's wrong?", I asked him. To which he responded, "Nothing, I just have irritable vowel syndrome..."
Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn? The kernel was looking for him.
Love is not a game. If you think it is, then you're not playing it right.
Just overheard someone say, "I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries." You know. Like a book.
friend gave me an inhaler my friend was dying on the floor and he gave me an inhaler, guess he wanted to give something for me to remember him. weird.
me: "so is this a date?" hitchhiker: "um"
A German man and woman are having sex, and an American walks in... The American shouts "Gross!" and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying "Danke!"
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I'm going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?" I replied, "Window or you'll what?"
My father always said to me "son it's always best to fight fire with fire"... and that is probably why he was kicked out of the fire service
What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!
I once ate a watch It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
Me: How are you? Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*
What is the difference between peanut butter and a blonde? The blonde is easier to spread!
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
It did feel good. I used the craziest toilet this morning. It was one of those toilets that shoots water up your butt I forget the name. Bidet, it felt amazing.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
[on a Speed date] pop quiz hotshot, if this date goes below 50 mph it explodes [her] that makes no sense [I mouth a tiny explosion sound]
There are TV shows literally every day so no I am not free to hang out ever.
I had a one-night-stand with a Bernie supporter. I know because I can feel the bern.
What happened to him after she made a joke he fainted
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
did you hear about the new tv crime drama? Criminal Mastermimes: the Silent Killers
I dropped my laptop in the ocean. Now there's a dell rolling in the deep.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
What happened in China on Christmas? The Rice-child was born.
What do you call a baseball player who watches porn? A master batter
Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? They're too bitter.
a quick zinger If your uncle jack helped you off a horse, would you help your uncle jack off a horse?
If you don't open your mouth when you yawn, you're a monster. I'm serious. Let that demon go. You're freaking everybody out.
What will happen if you put anal lube where oil should be in your car? I don't really know, but I think it will run pretty shitty
What rock group have four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
Why do Jewish men have to be Circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless its 20% off.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up. Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
9/11 gave rise to "Truthers", Obama gave rise to "Birthers", so... ... would a movement to determine whether Hillary Clinton actually carries hot sauce in her purse be called "Saucers"?
What happens when you pet a cat in the opposite direction? You rub them the wrong way
What goes dot-dot-croak dot-dash-croak ?  Morse toad !
I hate all 1970's female solo artists What a bunch of pre-madonnas
Damn girl are you deaf? I said, Damn girl are you deaf?
Me:She's better than me. BF:She's not. M:Look at those, they're incredible! BF: M:STOP STARING! -Boyfriend reading other women's tweets
A homosexual, a pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender asks him what he would like to drink.
What did Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't wanna be obama self."
What sound does a Japanese camera make? "Crick"
As bad as 2016 seems to be, it could be worse... You could have got a phone call from Charlie Sheen.
What is a junkies favorite drink? Hepsi
The reason Santa is so Jolly? Is it because he knows where all the BAD girls live?
When Chuck Norris finishes a joke ... It's called a roundhouse kick line.
Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn't matter, just get out.
What do you tell a pornstar right before their video to pump them up? Get your head in the game.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
What did the psychiatrist say to the man who walked into her office wearing only cling wrap? I can clearly see you(')r(e) nuts.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.
Strip search? ... OK, but I'm going to need some background music.
If you were in a race with vegetables You would need to get a head of lettuce
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Batman threw Two-Face at my car, and now it has a Harvey Dent
Doctor Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear that's a lot of calories !
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I'm making... ...then they call me ugly and poor.
What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist fuck.
2 guys walk into a bar The 3rd guy ducks
Why is it... old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one...
You can just walk into a Blockbuster and take a shit on the floor now. It's not even illegal.
I wouldn't be so scared of spiders if they were wearing tiny shoes.
Dance like you won't be turned into a gif.
Why did the storm trooper return his iPhone? Because it wasn't the droid he was looking for!
What is potential energy's favourite season? Summer, because it comes before fall
Two non-english speaking Mexican go to gran central... One of them goes up to the cashier and asks for "tu tickets plees". The cashier asks "one-way?" To which the Mexican responds "no, two gueys."
*hires skywriter* $1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!
So I was going to blame my pet ostrich for a crime i committed But my lawyer advised that it wouldn't fly in court.
What do you call a video game that gives cancer? Tombr Aider
I tried to google image search Rorschach tests... but all I could find were pictures of boobs.
I've heard that Americans don't find paedo jokes funny Guess they're just a bit touchy
A man and a woman walk into a bar...
bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's Doctor: "It's bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's." Patient: "Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer."
Why do you really not want to get pulled over in Ireland? Because the cops are Dublin the fines! (It took me a three hour car ride to come up with this... I am not a clever person)
So, I saw the movie Still Alice last night. It's easily forgettable.
I saw Adele at the train station the other day on the other platform She said 'hello from the other side'
I found a cheap prosthetic arm on Craigslist Secondhand
why don't blondes make good cowgirls? they can't keep their calves together
Why was the dolphin happy and the shark depressed? The sharks life lacked porpoise.
Q: What part of the road is always crying? A: The breakdown lane.
Why do audiophiles nerver loose a fight? Because they're lossless.
Two gay guys are hanging out... Two gay guys are hanging out, and one says to the other, "Hey, let's play hide and go seek! Loser gets fucked in the ass... I'll be behind the couch."
Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head? A: Homeless.
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service! 
What a beautiful day! The sun's shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor's dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn...
[ER] Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC? Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants* Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
It's easier to find the needle in the haystack when you bring a flamethrower. That's a fact, jack. Merica.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he's not joe biden
What is the difference between an elephant and a flea? An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants !
Why dont orphans like baseball? Because they don't know were home is! XD
What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car? I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU
I love volcano jokes... They magma lava my ash off.
My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.
When you find a body beneath your floorboards is it face up or face down that's good luck?
My dog keeps whimpering at her empty food bowl. So I put her in another room. I'm not sure what that bowl did to her, but it's obvious it upset her.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought.. .. "That sounds like a fair trade"
Why do birds live in nests? Because they can't afford houses in this economy.
I once put a bunch of grapes in a woman's vagina.... She didn't say much, she just let out a little wine.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don't throw your sippy cup during an argument
When brands use cool words like "bae" on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
[at Waldo's trial] Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant? Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I thought I could take my dog with me to the gym today, but it didn't work out.
Did you know, If you get everyone in the UK to lie head to toe in a line across the English channel... ...They would probably drown
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn't want to be part of tea party club anymore.
What don't BMWs have that all other manufacturers do? Turn signals
As I was checking into the hotel I asked, 'Is the porn channel disabled?' The girl at the desk said, 'No, you sick bastard'.
I love hitting F5... It's so refreshing
finally found a way to refer to myself + dog in a way that's creepier than the mother/child dichotomy: FUR HUSBAND and SKIN WIFE
Happy Valentine's Day! So what's everyone doing with their cats tonight??
Every time I drink German beer I wake up with a really bad Hannover.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it is? A girl.
I don't "fuck" my wife. I "make fuck" to her.
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? B: What? You aren't doing anything M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
April showers bring May flowers. And car bombs, suicide bombers, beheadings, etc. Tis the season.
How did the executioner learn about knots? By watching the noose.
What did the Shepard say when he saw the sheep? "I herd that!"
Doctor: "Hey, how are you?" Patient: "I am good" Doctor: "Ok. Next."
Today I called the rape help line... But apparently it's just meant for the victims.
If life give you melons... You're probably dyslexic.
Why are school shooters more likely to be white people? White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.
Why was the ghost late to the halloween party? He had to take a sheet.
I'm still learning my pronouns... But that is neither here nor there.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
What do you call a rich Chinese person ? cha ching
What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir. ^ ^
If you don't like my selfies, maybe you shouldn't have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren't ready to handle that kind of responsibility
Murphy's law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
whats the difference between a Ferrari and 5 dead children? i dont have a Ferrari in my garage.
what do you call a 145 million year old swine carcass? Jurassic Pork Ill show^myself^out
Accidentally texted my dad "have a hood day" and he shot three people
Mario &amp; Luigi Mario :- Ey Luigi , whats this funny ol' image called. Luigi:- It a Meme , Mario
"Hello?" Dad come get me from practice "Sorry I'm going into a tunnel" *sound of mom giggling* But I called the *connection drops* ...landline
I guess I just felt safer when Martha Stewart was still in prison.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Third as many as for a regular bulb.
*Weather changes* BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack. *Anything else changes* MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Seriously, soup? If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
In 2012 Kanye made millions from "Niggas in Paris" 2016 he lost it to them.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My girlfriends period is on my birthday. Why does she always have to be so anal about everything?
What did the alcoholic 7 get diagnosed with? Heptatitis
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!
What do Wesson and KY have in common? Despite it being technically accurate, they'd both prefer you not refer to their products as "rape oil"
What do you call a meth-head that's been up for 2 weeks? A two-weeker
What do you call it when you tie a brick to a jar of Miracle Whip and throw it into the ocean? "Sink-o de Mayo"
I like my women like I like my Star Wars. Ruined by George Lucas.
The music teacher at the school my niece goes to was out sick 2 days last week. The school had a dog fill in for her. He was a sub woofer.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you're at to be over.
Bought shoes from a drug dealer Not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!
I know my wife is cheating with my best friend Her pussy tastes like his dick.
"Poor" is an odd word because when you put it in front of "people" it's sad but when you put it in front of "bladder control" it's hilarious
Lenins If life hands you Lenins, start a socialist revolution.
/r/jokes http://i.imgur.com/i9mD9jZ.gifv I don't remember what that link is, used this cuz reddit says I need text here to post.
Women call me The Gold Medal I always finish first.
What's Michael J. Fox's favorite drink? a milkshake
A text from my friend. she:myspacebarisnotworking.canyougivemeanalte rnative? me: what is ternative?
A joke There was a dragon one time who didn't care about shit. It was real mad a lot. It said, "fuck you" to just about every one. Except for this one guy who he kinda liked.
Bread lovers of Reddit, how do you tell your "Sandwich Artist" that they got your order wrong? Oops, wrong sub
A study have shown that there are actually twice as many boobs than women.
The Japanese soccer team visits an orphanage in Spain. "It's so sad to see the hopeless looks on their faces", said Rico, age 6.
I like a lot of different kinds of breakfast, but I only eat one at a time. I'm a cereal monogamist.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 5 Step 8, 9, 10
How do you make your wife scream during sex? You call and tell her about it.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.
I had a crazy dream last night that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. When I woke up I was, like, 0mg!
I did a theatrical performance on puns... It was a play on words. I'll let myself out.
I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandad did. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
What do you call a guy who fucks himself? [Ethan Hawke](http://i.imgur.com/tXrW7HU.jpg).
I remember this from a Monty Python "My dog has no nose!" Says one man. His friend asks "well how does he smell?" "Stinky!"
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary Is the amount of time you waste browsing Reddit, loser.
How do the Rolling Stones like their burgers? Plain - Rolling Stones gather no moss-tard!
News: Boy George's reptile bites 5 people in one day.' He needs a calmer chameleon.
What do you say to Floyd Mayweather after his arms have been cut off? Whatever you like.
What is an electricians favorite type of news Current events
A man walk into a bank And yells: THIS IS A ROBBERY And banker replies: It is ,now give me your money.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with.
There's Angie, and then there's Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Have you heard the joke about the three rats? It was cheesy
my favorite punchline... "No, nurse! I said 'slip off his spectacles'!"
I tried kicking the habit today. The nun wearing it is extremely pissed.
Neighbour:How's the wife? Me:Glowing Neighbour:Pregnant? Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood Neighbour:You're sick Me:You're next
Who's the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark
Why are lawyers buried 18 feet deep when they die? Because deep down they're all actually good people.
Cheating at a limbo contest.... that's about as low as you can get!
I call my penis "Batman". Girls love it when the Dark Knight Rises.
How do pigs talk? Swine language
Why does Star Wars Movies numbering scheme starts with 4,5,6? Because in charge of the numbers, Yoda was
What do you call a promiscuous woman who travels a lot? Abroad.
Two Heads God gifted man with two heads, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
What do you call a kangaroo who chases rock stars to have sex with them? A kangaroupie.
What do you call a dragon that can't sit still? A wiggle wyrm.
A murderer sitting in the electric chair was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes" replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
Why be fake when being real takes no effort at all?
*trains 1 million soldier ants* *gets carried to work*
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.
What's the funniest type of Mexican food? Fajitahahahas
Just been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing I've always been a whisk taker.
Hope nobody has a video of me trying to get the fourth corner of a fitted sheet over the mattress.
I can't understand the critics  saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really  enjoyed it.
Bad jokes are like farts... ....better to let them pass.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn't bargain on "bankrupt" being an option.
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours !
How does one sink, that which floats? How does one sync, that which floats? Well, we type case the variable to make sure that both sides of the equation are of type, floats.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I'm listening.
What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike? Look ma, no hands!
just read an article about the horrible effects of binge drinking and fuck that im never reading again
My ex has made me dinner.. *gives a bit to the dog first*
Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew  where he lived.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can't make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
What happened to the blind circumcisor? He got the sack.
What is Spider-Man's favorite rice? Uncle Bens!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker General Hux: Why? He won't fight & you don't need training. Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
What did the slutty DNA say to the other DNA? Unzip your genes.
What does Donald Trump play most of the time? President Evil.
Shaq just described himself as a geek. The word has officially lost all meaning,
John Boehner is lucky Pope Francis didn't splash any holy water on him. He wouldn't have been crying. He would have burst into flames.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich! Judge: What? M: I plead insanity. J: You're a juror. Me: Can I go? J: No. M: OBJECTION!
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.
I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.
what do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! :D
Did you hear about the man from the experimental group that was arrested? He was out of control.
What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine? If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks.
hey Liam Neeson is your "particular set of skills" gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
I've been told I'm not ambitious enough... If only there was an Olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Chest ! Chest who ? Chest-nuts for sale !
ME: Hey you haven't talked to me lately, are you mad at me FRIEND: No things are just really awful ME: Oh thank god FRIEND: What
Kim Kardashian's ass is ridiculous He's egotistical too
A blind man walks into a fish store ... and says: "Whats up girls".
Why did Adele crossed the road? To say hello from the other side.
If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out of the bathroom... What are you in the bathroom? European
If only the first rule of Vegan club Was not to talk about Vegan club
My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.
The US flag on the moon lost its color and is now completely white It's now the French flag.
An undertaker and a snake If an undertaker and a snake got married, what would there towels say? Hissss and Hearse
I love rock and roll so put another dime in the juke box baby... then add ninety more cents to play one song.
What did the vampire say to her kids? Eat your dinner before it clots!
Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut. After I left, they were humming my praises.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy's face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Girls named Miranda never think it's funny when you tell them they have the right to remain silent.
Why did the case against the great dessert robber get thrown out? De minimis non curat lex.
Golfer: "That can't be my ball caddy. It looks far too old." Caddy: "It's a long time since we started sir."
Don't ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He's too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving just isn't for you.
What is Green and Oblong? A well disguised orange!
What does Iphone7 and spermbank have in common? JACK OFF
19 and 20 got into a fight... Now they're facing 123 years on disturbing the peace.
Schrodinger's cat jokes never get old well, they do, but, they don't
What do cannibals call shin meat? Below knee
Whoever put the 'b' in subtle was a clever bastard.
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance By putting it into reverse and fleeing the scene of the accident
9/11 jokes are just... Plane wrong.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and A Black Rapper? Santa stops after three hoes.
A good way to let the audience know a character doesn't "play by the rules" is to name her Kat.
The porn version of Interstellar is out ... It's called "IntoStella". For the bonus point: in the gay porn version, Matthew McConaughey ends up in Uranus.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse* 5: *crying* Me: It's okay, son. 5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of some phony gods blessing, but because I am enlightened by my... KNAWLEDGE
When I was 18, I wanted to buy a brand new motorbike, but my mother forbid it. She explained that she had a brother who died in a motorbike crash when he was 18, and so I could have his instead.
Eliminate Anime and Islam, and you secure the the existence of western culture for eternity
The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful Bitches love to be called Beautiful
How do the Kardashians change a broken light bulb They buy a new house
"I need a boyfriend" No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.
I messed up my foot pretty bad. The doctors said it would take a while to heel.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change lightbulb? One. He just stands there with the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.
Working at the aluminum recycling plant is the saddest job I've ever had... ... It's just soda pressing.
Silly Political/Finance Joke What do Vladimir Putin, Crude Oil, and the Russian Ruble have in common? They're all going to be 65 this year.
[at a child's birthday party] Lady: which one's yours? Me: uhh, that one L: that's my daughter M: *grabs the cake and runs*
eating Asian pussy all I need was SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE
That Russian guy died today.... I guess that's one we can Chekov the list.
I'd like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Go for someone who is not only proud to have you but will also take every risk just to be with you.
Did you hear they're making a holistic version of Star Wars? It's based on darth vadar's holistic brother, Ayur Veder.
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
It takes a second..... Two guys walk into a bar.... you think the second would have noticed. HA.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
after brexit... After brexit, papers please is the best selling game in the UK
How does the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Patty. (This was told to me by an old man I cut off with my grocery cart at the grocery store).
I'm hesitant to go ahead with my new plastic surgeon since he said he could give me "the parts of an animal" I was all gung-ho before, but now he's given me paws
If I'm ever captured as a spy, all they'd have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I recently entered a blindfolded masturbation competition... I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...
How many feminist does it take to screw in a light bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY
Just been on a 'once in a lifetime holiday'... ...never again. [/timvine]
Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the best ingredients.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don't need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
So a guy came into a bar... No... wait, it was a horse. So a guy came into a horse...
Why do black people have white on their palms? There's a little bit of good in everybody.
What's worse than getting AIDs? Having to find out that your dog has AIDs too.
Did you hear about the deformed linebacker? He had 4 sacks.
I REALIZED THAT I AM THE VICTIM After ten years of marriage, the wife asks her husband: - Honey, are you by nature a winner or a loser? - Honey, over the years I realized that I am the victim ...
Why are manhole covers circular? Because Rouleaux triangles are too hard to manufacture. What do you call 8 hobbits? A hobbyte.
What did the cannibalistic lion do? Swallow his pride.
The real reason Washington state passed Gay-marriage and recreational marijuana use. Because the bible says when two men lie together, they should be stoned.
What do white girls and Prime numbers have in common? They can't even..
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
How many anti-feminists does it take to screw the light bulb? Anti feminists? Nah, they can't screw
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color...is it...gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Knock-knock
Why did the Eskimo wash his clothes in tide? Because it was too cold out tide.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Why did the vampire consider himself a good artist? He liked to draw blood!
We get it. You're Muslim. You don't have to Ramadan our throats.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I was getting a handjob from this blind hooker... She told me: WOW! This is the biggest dick I have ever felt! I said "No way! You're pulling my leg!"
On my birthday my wife suggested I have a threesome... My wife suggested for my birthday I have a threesome. I replied "Do I get to pick both girls?" And then the fight started...
What does a German woman dial when a man won't take no for an answer Nein! Nein! Nein!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
If your watch is broken why can't you go fishing? Because you don't have the time.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please!"
An Irishman walks out of a bar.... What? It could happen.
What do you call a WWII battle that finished it's senior year at communism school? Leningrad
Do you whats amazing? Spiderman
What does heroin make you feel like? More heroin.
Why did the duck cross the basketball court? He heard the referees were blowing fouls... -Jim Norton
A three-legged dog sits down at the bar Orders a whiskey. Bartender asks,"What brings you to these parts?" Dog responds,"Lookin for the sonofabitch who shot my paw.'
What does Subway and a Hollywood Tranny have in common? Both offer $5 dollar Foot Longs I'll be here all week cause my car broke down by the shakeys next the aqueduct
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn't open your door.
Why are gay guys always butthurt? Oh yeah.
ople who say they'd go back and change things in their life if they could are pussies, you don't get this awesome without the shitty parts
I'm trying to figure out which iPhone to buy. The black one runs faster, but the white one actually works.
How many people in denial does it take to change a lightbulb ? There is nothing wrong with the lightbulb.
Q: You're on top of Mount Everest. How do you get down? A: Pluck a duck.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says "make me one with everything".
What did the Russian man say to the boy after he did nice for someone? That was *Cher-i-nobyl* of you
Why are most male squirrels gay? Cuz they love nuts!
A Redditor goes on a date.
You say to-MAY-to and I also say to-MAY-to because nobody says to-MAH-to. Nobody.
The World Trade Center had a Speed-Reading club they went thru fifty stories in thirty seconds
A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning  storms? Q. They think their picture is being taken.
Confucius say, many hand make for light work, But one hand make for quick job.
My girlfriend told me that if I ever cheated on her, it would be worse if it was with a black girl. I told her she was wrong. It'd only be three-fifths as bad.
Wonder what a black guy would look like without a diamond earring.
If I had a dollar for every woman that finds me unattractive... ...then after a while they would find me attractive.
DOCTOR: You've suffered a brain injury. It's affected your hippocampus ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
What does a redneck do on Halloween? Pumpkin
What is red and green, and goes over 3000 miles per hour? A frog in the blender
You know what they say: Finding the right analogy is has hard as hmm...
My mate tried some Walkers mystery flavour crisps last night and swore they tasted like his wife's pussy, He thought it was his imagination but everyone in the pub said he was right!
What do Kermit The Frog'S fingers smell like? Bacon.
Being drunk was nice because it gave me an excuse for why I'm such an asshole.
My roommate said he gets laid ten times more than me. 0x10=0
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. "Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?"
A gambling addict begins his 5th stretch of therapy... "It failed 4 times in a row, so it's bound to work this time."
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Whats the difference between a murder and Hamlet performed by geese? Nothing, they're both fowl play
This guy went for an interview with Buzzfeed What happened next will shock you
Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly,"she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
Walks into a room - A doctor walks into a patient's room ...and decides to update the chart. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thermometer and says "Great! What asshole has my pen?"
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.
If you're having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex's names tattooed on them.
What is a pedophile's favourite pair of shoes? White vans.
What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother? Leave the plunger in the pot.
The definition of Halloween: Halloween: the holiday when children vandalize your yard with toilet paper, then are rewarded with candy the next day.
Doctor: You appear to have potassium poisoning. Mario: But I've avoided bananas my whole life!
Curiosity doesn't kill anything, stupidity does.
Why couldn't anyone trust the snowman to do anything? He was kinda flakey
You are riding a horse. There is a giraffe beside you and a lion chasing you. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the carousel. Edit: *off Thanks captain.
The student asked his sensei: "Why do you fight using only your feet?" Oh, y'know. For kicks.
What's a parrot's favourite song? I love Parrots in the Springtime!
I got a good one for you guys 1
If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I'm the healthiest mofo on this planet.
A SQL statement walks into a bar... he confidently walks up to a couple of tables and says, "May I join you?".
How is American Beer similar to making love in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.
Q: What's got four legs and no ears? A: Mike Tyson's dog.
Hey girl are you a cool autumn breeze Because you make me wanna jacket
A man clicks on a post in /r/jokes... I'm watching you.
What do you call a gay person in a wheelchair chair? Rollaids
I couldn't work at a Rainforest Cafe without yelling "You know where you are? You're in the jungle baby! You're gonna die!"
So if they were called the Mario Bros., that means Mario's last name was Mario?
Where does Joseph Kony train his soldiers? Arizona
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, then they'd be called bagels!
What's wrong with a chameleon that can't change colors? He has a reptile dysfunction.
I like the religions where they're like "god left after he made earth." that's exactly what I would do if i created this mess.
I like my women like I like my coffee... With no stray pubes.
A whale is having a conversation with its son. Son: "Hey Dad, where did I come from?" Dad: "From my dick, son" Son: "Uhhh, thanks?" Dad: "You're whalecum"
"How do you like your eggs?" "I like 'em just fine"
If history is written by the victors... ...then who writes French history textbooks?
My girlfriend called me a peadophile the other day I said 'that's a big word for a 6 year old'
The awkward moment you're watching porn and your girlfriend walks in. I wish she'd told me she worked in the industry.
Music is a good place to hide.
Trump says he'll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
69% of people... ...find something dirty in every sentence.
Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump.
I like playing games on Xbox Live with Mexicans because of the possibility of seeing "You were killed by Jesus" on the screen.
My girlfriend broke up with me, because she hated me singing Linkin Park songs all the time. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle? Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
A bear walks into a bar.. *Goes up to the bartender* Bear: "Hi, I'd like a gin...................and tonic." Bartender: "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" *bear looks at own paws*
what do you call the offspring of two lesbians? A hermaphrodike
A termite walks into a bar... and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I'm the only one not invited. Weird.
What did the scientist say to his fellow co-worker to stop him from jumping off the cliff to as an act of suicide? Don't jump, you've got so much potential!
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
14-year old Becky writes "Stop wars" as her Facebook status. It gets nine "likes", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.
How does an elephant get out of a small car ? The same way that he got in !
Why don't girls count to two? Because they "can't even."
Lamest joke ever What did 6 say to 9? . . . Baby! Let's do a 69. Hahaha XD
Why are Ethiopian's teeth so white? Because they never use them
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
The day I let a dog make decisions for me ....Is the day I go blind.
My Dog voilet Rules My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
What has over a hundred teeth and keeps back Godzilla? my zipper!
What do black people do after sex? 15 to life
The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.
There are only two certain things in computer programming life... death and syntax (end).
What do you call a man with news paper down his pants Russel
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Regular sex makes your day. Butt sex makes your hole weak.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I just shot my first turkey today! I don't think they are going to let me back into that store again.
Receptionist: So you're here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear
Researchers found out,... ... after someone finally opened the door.
I wish instead of Grammar Nazis there were Grammar Angels. They'd quietly whisper, "Baby, you made a mistake. Let me fix it for you. -hug-"
I'm against protesting... But I don't know how to show it.
This one time, I shot a defenseless black guy and got arrested.. For impersonating an officer of the law.
I had to quit the massage business. I kept rubbing people the wrong way.
A powerful tornado tore through our town last night. So far, eight bodies have been found. Plot twister. It only damaged the graveyard.
A: Took my temperature today. B: Oh really? A: No, rectally.
A baguette up the butt is a real pain in the ass.
Did you hear about the time when King Arthur slept with another woman? It was a one knight stand.
I think Hillary Clinton will be the best president. If she couldn't screw Bill, how can she screw America?
What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay.
Today my girlfriend left me Because I have a Linkin Park obsession... ...But in the end it doesnt even matter...
For easter I'm going to smuggle drugs into prison with my anus. I'm calling myself the keister bunny!
If Adrian Peterson played baseball, how would he bat? Switch Hitter
"I'll be back!" -boomerangs -and herpes
Last night I was driving down an old country road when I hit a pedestrian going 50 mph. It seemed to take forever for help to arrive. That's the last time I use that towing company.
Whats the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? The position of the dirtbag.
"Why is there sweat on my handbag?" "Calm down, it's just a little pursepiration."
Two Blondes walk into a bar They both fall on the ground, stunned from pain.
I would love my job so much more if I didn't have to hide my flask.
Why can't Trump be compared to vegetables in jokes? Because even artichokes have a heart.
Tweets that proclaim "your a idiot" never fail to delight me.
Tonight at the Who concert As the band started up "You Better You Bet", the guy next to me stood up to go get a drink. So I asked him - "Not a fan of their new album?"
If you say "people either love me or hate me" it's a pretty safe bet that most of them hate you.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman before marriage and after marriage.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....
Do Wilma Flintstone got a booty? She yabba-dabba dooooooo!
There are 6 jurors on the Treyvon Martin trial. I bet they all get on the same cycle from being around each other so much... Dude better hope it isn't that time of the month when the verdict comes in.
Apple CEO Tim Cook comes out as gay... No wonder the iPhone 6 won't stay straight!
Two thieves try to steal a calendar. They each got six months.
TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight. Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest? TSA: ....
How do you wake up Lady Gaga..? POKER FACE ... BAHAHAHA!!!
"Um, here's a crazy idea, how about finishing the wall mural in the baby's room?" - Banksy's wife
What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have sex with a MtF illegal immigrant Paperless trans action
What do you call the version of google maps without pac man? Pac Man-free Ver.
How do you get ready for a trip around the Sun? Planet
I know you're the instructor but I've seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
What did the science teacher say when the kid was experimenting with magnets? "May the force be with you"
Thanks a lot Apple, for calling 7 inches a mini.
What do you call a friendly Chinese man who gives out free firewood? Kind Ling
Killer whales are inappropriately named. The proper term is killer Welsh.
Did you see that? That's the third time she came over here. I think she likes me. "This is Applebee's and she is our waitress"
What do a virgin and a used Prius owner have in common? Neither of them have had sex
I'm not saying Martha Stewart is old, but... she needs a new Walker more than the Fast and Furious franchise.
The best part of waking up is when you say "fuck it" and go back to sleep.
How do you kill a circus? ...go for the Juggler!
What is the difference between camping and being homeless? Marshmallows
Science joke: What do you study to learn about acid? A pHD
What's the easiest way to piss off a bunch of redditors? [DELETED]
Why do women have smaller feet than men?  - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
ME: This car's perfect except for one thing WIFE: Yes, there's no room for the childre- ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it's perfect
The banana apologized to the apple. You're very sweet, but I'm sorry I don't find you a**peel**ing [I know this was terrible. I guess this wasn't your taste.](#s)
What does a black man do after sex? 15 years.
Knock, knock Who's there? Hosea Hosea, who? Hosea one more words and I'll beat the craps out of her
A skeleton walks into a bar... He says to the bartender, "give me a beer and a mop."
I woke up this morning to find chinese writing all over my bedroom walls. I couldn't understand it.
While getting the newspaper, I thought the neighbor admired my new boxers a bit too much. 'Til I felt a breeze. And remembered a button.
What is a pirate's favorite class in school? Arrrrrrt class.
What's the difference between and elephant and a mail box? I don't know. I hope you're not allowed to take the mail out to the mail box.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Punch his cousin
My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like!
What did the scarecrow say when asked about his job? "This job isn't for everyone, but hay...it's in my jeans"
Before you say you "value my opinion," just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.
The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..
Can someone help me find..... The guy on his cell phone laughing uncontrollably because someone rear ended a car full of nuns. I think he was leaving a message. Thanks in advance.
Why don't nice people ride the train? Because they're usually found on trucks.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is down, your Facebook will do.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him...
[job interview] "any public speaking experience?" not since the valedictorian speech in high school "very impressive" I yelled 'YOU SUCK'
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I probably wouldn't even use the gym if I were in prison.
Hear about the new gay sitcom? "Leave it, it's Beaver." 
Where do magical animals go to jail? Azkabarn
I hate people who make cancer jokes. They have no sense of tumor.
I do my women like I do my homework I don't
What do you call a cheap hooker's snatch? Death Valley.
WIFE: What did you just do? CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason* ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she's after both of us*
What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Why do Little People hate the taste of alcohol? Because they can't reach the top shelf.
Why can't Jewish people view pornography?? Because watching people porkin' just ain't Kosher! Wakakakaka
"Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" is just not as challenging since she started using foursquare.
How much money do hookers with shallow vaginas make? Just the tips.
*calls boss* Me: I can't come to work. Boss: Why not? Me: Gotham city needs me. Boss: ...You're not Batman. Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
What do you call it when homosexual congressmen have lunch together? A Federal Mandate
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes.
What do you get when you cross a border collie with a pit bull? A dog that is smart enough to bury the bodies.
I accidentally dropped a piece of my bagel in the trash and it feels like a relative died.
-Balderdash! -Codswallop! -Tommyrot! -Poppycock! Victorian Era YouTube comments
I don't think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name "Lamb of God" is misleading.
cremation vs burial During a tunisian funeral , a buddhist tourist asked a man .  -why don't you burn the body ?    - we just buried the body because God will burn him down
What's 3 inches long and pleases all women? A credit card.
I have Alzheimer's AMA (Not sure if repost) Yes, this is a x-post from /r/circlejerk, but still a pretty good joke in my opinion.
I just participated in a silent disco. Well, I got drunk at the morgue.
Does anybody know if Maternity Wards are open today?
What kind of superhero would Caitlyn Jenner be? An Ex-Man.
"How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?" "Sir, she came in with you!"
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
Today's 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player. What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.
I stuffed some socks in my pants to impress the ladies but it didn't work so I'll try moving the socks to the front of my pants.
How do narcissists remember everything? ...They have a photogenic memory.
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 13 million illegal aliens? Juan by Juan
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn't look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? You can't use a pitchfork to unload bowling balls.
Why couldn't the spotty cat chase the sheep? Because her Mum wouldn't leopard be a shepherd
(NSFW) It's been just over 10 years since we lost the Crocodile Hunter. He was a man of morals that died the same way that he lived... With animals in his heart.
Doctor Doctor I think I'm turning  into a frog Your just playing too much croquet!
I asked my wife to tell me something that would make me laugh and cry at the same time... Apparently out of all my friends I have the biggest dick.
The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar... It was tense.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote "sexy" on all of his wife's friends' pics.
What do you get when you cross a Native American with phosphorylation? ATP
SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended. He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
I said hello to a feminist My court date starts tomorrow.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas* *puts it on a squirrel*
Did you hear about Greek porn? They can't do money shots anymore
I don't like jam but my marmite Note : Girlfriend was determined this was a good joke, I thought it was trash. You decide.
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk. What do you call that same fly without legs? A raisin.
What happens when you zip up a lion? It rars
Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven? A bannister always pays his deafs.
A woman is good for 70 things. Cooking and 69.
What do you call a fish that's worth a lot of money? A goldfish!
Schrodingers cat walks into a bar ... and doesn't.
I bumped into a cute guy today. I clawed his face off. I should work on my people skills.
What do you call a Deer with... No eyes?: **No idea** No eyes and no legs?: **Still no idea** No eyes and no legs, having sex? **Still f*cking no idea** And where do you find it? **Where you left it**
I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee... My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug
How can a man take an abortion pill? He just picks one up and leaves.
"I just dumped my girlfriend lol" - a cannibal after taking a shit.
What do soy beans and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes!
Jesus drove a Honda but didn't talk about it. "For I did not speak of my own accord" John 12:49
Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I'm trying to tell a Pokemon joke to my brother but he just doesn't get it. He's a slowbro.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny!
How much did the skeleton charge for his excellent legal services? An arm and a leg.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. "We call it the melon-cauli," says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I'm so sorry
What has two thumbs and got laid last night? My hands.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny.
How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
There's nothing more awkward than... There's nothing more awkward than throwing a surprise party for a psychic.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
How do the Chinese name their kids? They throw silverware down the stairs.
Santa is always jolly, he knows where the naughty girls live.
My favorite element is Helium I can't speak highly enough of it
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed? Me: bro, you were there.
What did the dinosaur say to the caveman? RAWR!
A guy walks into a pub he was hiding from the police after they shot his family for j walking
Geogrophy If Iraq invaded Turkey from the rear, do you think Grease would help?
The butcher's wife always messes up everyone's order. We call her Miss Steak.
Have you heard what they say about luck? It could be raining pussy and I'd get slapped in the face with a sweaty dick.
Aw, I would love to keep up with the Kardashians. But being a 'pregnant-solar-powered-douche-magnet' is an art form I haven't yet perfected.
What is a south Koreans favorite fruit? An impeach.
As a white guy, it really bothers that only black people can use the word "nigger". Thats OUR word! I'm not racist. I just wrote a racist joke.
What do you say when your lesbian daughter brings home her girlfriend? "Are you going to be staying for dinner or eating out?"
A Jew walks into a BAR.. Passes.
I scream, you scream, we all scream... The ice cream man kidnapped us; please send help.
My grandfather, my mom, and my siblings all have diarrhea. Runs in the family.
So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."
Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!
I tried to find out why my cat kept licking itself... turns out its actually quite tasty.
What sort of transport does a sheep use? A ewe-nicycle
"Ok Noah, that's 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?" Nope "Yea I did, it had lipstick on?" Nope, raise the anchor
McDonald's is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.
*sees Salvation Army bell ringer* "Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!" "Sir, we don't accept children." *runs away*
What do you get when David Lynch directs a remake of The Godfather? Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.
Forget Washington, Lincoln, JFK. Trump Is Simply Going To Be The Best President To Have Come in A Melania.
What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z? They're not infallible
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook. This Is a typical "no right answer" type of situation.
What do you call a black man in a stunt plane? The brown streak.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
How do you make a German shepherd? Put him in a synagogue.
Once you go black you'll sit in the back
Job openings. A female HR calls a guy: Lady: Sir, I have two openings. Man: Yes, I know. The lady hangs up.
A grasshopper walks into a bar... and the bartender gets excited. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You've got a drink named Greg?"
How come Justin Bieber doesn't like to shop at Sports Authority? Because he likes Dick's.
Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two - Deux list?
What is the scientific measurement for moistness? Digits...
What does your mom and my fantasy football team have in common? As soon as I put money on them, they suck.
I dont have sex on the first date unless it's an option
What's the difference between an Asian and a dumb white girl? The Asian try to get the A, but the white girl try to get the D
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: "Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss."
What's the difference between a sigh a car and  a monkey? A sigh is oh dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you  dear.
Apparently organ donation has to be *your own* organ and this police officer has a lot of questions.
Don't text and drive. Just pull over until you're done using your phone. That's what I do. I've been on the side of the road since 2011.
She was upset when I gave her 4 quarters rather than dollar... It has the same value. It doesn't make any cents.
Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means "Doing the Facebook". Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room to remove it.
What kind of bone will a dog never eat? A trombone! From Fargo Ep. 2
When I was a kid my Fairy-Godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory I can't remember what did I chose!
Knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there? With. With who? With whom.
A german tourist. A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport. The immigration office asks: 'Occupation?''. The german responds: 'No, just holiday''
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate "That'll be us in ten years...." He replied, "That's a mirror, you dick-head".
Black people Ash Wednesday doesn't have anything to do with. your dry cracked skin.
Just give me a sec. I'm still waiting for IE8 to open a new tab. A blank tab. Waiting... Still waiting... There it is.
How did Jared lose 150lbs? He kicked two 7-year-olds out of his bed.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
How many Spanish people does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Do you like dragons? Because I'ma be dragon my balls across your forehead.
My wife just dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?" & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.
-Boss: "Send me one of your funny tweets" -Me: "I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later" -Boss: "Hahaha! Send me another one."
If your nose runs and your feet smell... You might be upside down. Heard from "The Sopranos"
The versatile gay actor wanted to be cast in both "A Christmas Carol" and "A Midsummer Nights Dream" So he could be both a Bottom and a Topper.
Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers. We are maid for each other.
I was at a gas station and I accidentally filled up my escort with diesel. She died.
What's the Best Way To Embarrass A Psychic On Their Birthday? Throw Them A Surprise Party.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The most maddening part of your parents giving you annoying advice is that they're usually right.
My friends think I should stop telling jokes because my punchlines are always shit. Shit.
Good Cop: Book 'em. Illiterate Cop: I'll just wait for the movie.
What does a man with five dicks wear? Pants that fit like a glove.
What do you call a french lesbian? A tresbien
Dark humor is a bit like food. Not everyone gets it.
Friday night plans *break into plastic surgeon's office *put goldfish in the silicone implants *sneak away undetected *giggle like a maniac
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decaffeinated
What do you call a blonde haired skeleton in the closet? Last year's Hide and Go seek champion.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell. Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My girlfriend wanted to have a talk about how childish i am But she didn't have the secret password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in
How can you tell it's a porno actor filling up his car at the next pump? Just before he gets to twenty bucks he pulls out the nozzle and shoots it all over the trunk.
A laptop made in the United States is a portable device. A laptop made in Mexico is a deportable device.
What's long and hard on a black guy His prison sentence I hope this hasn't been said before, I half came up with this all by my lonesome
Why did the plane crash into the ocean? The pilot was a loaf of bread
How do most elderly golfers die? They have a bad stroke
Why do bears' mouths water whenever they look at Trump? Because they think that thing on his head (his hair) is an animal and they want to eat it.
I would give 10 to most jokes here On a pH scale, cause most of them are just Basic.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Does anyone know where Engagement, Ohio is? About halfway between Dayton and Marion
What did the spider say when he broke his new  web ? Darn it !
I'd make a joke about Jonestown... But the punch line is too long.
Q: What does an Irishman have for dinner? A: Starvation. Q: And what does he have for dessert? A: Ethnic cleansing.
Why do black's have white skin on the bottom of their feet and the palm of their hands? Everyone needs a little bit of good inside them.
Why did the crew abandon the chili pepper boat? It was capsaicin. ^(Don't hurt me.)
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with "LOL" is "a representation of everything that is wrong with me."
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
What was the best time in history for the Italians? The Marin-era
We could make the world much greener this #earthday if we simply banned red and blue
How do you get a Jewish girls number? Roll up her sleeve.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes *whack* "damn" and a bad skydiver goes "damn" *whack*
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I've just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft. I'll take it up to her later.
If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted the rubbers down to make a tire, what would you call it? A fucking Goodyear! ! !
Wait you *must* be the aunt I've heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
How do you keep a vegan from eating all your dairy? Invite two of them.
Fun prank idea: Take your friend's fiancee to lunch and say things that give her doubts about the relationship.
No, I'm not damaging my liver. I'm about to sterilize it using alcohol.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Why did the computer say Hello? Because it was A Dell
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it's her floss
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
A dung beetle walks into a bar And asks the bartender, "Is this stool taken?"
I decided when I turn 21 I'm only going to smoke cigarettes when I drink Guess I'm going to be an alcoholic
How the does man give his dead batteries away? Free of charge, of course.
What do 50 cent hot dogs have in common with lumber? Two buy four.
Why did the egg get a ticket from a lady police officer? Because he was picking up good vibrations.
Apparently they've come out with low-fat communion wafers Yeah. They called it *I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus*.
I just went to jail for my wife's crime. She's Chinese, which I guess makes me guilty by associasian.
Dad Joke Survivors A nickelodeon presentation.
If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't. They just beat up the room for being dark and arrest the light for being broke.
Ref:I'm sending you off Player: What for ? Ref: The rest of the match !
If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me :(
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and sits in a pile of leaves? Russell.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Jehovah's Witness I was just wondering...........if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door..... does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???
TIFU by eating a U-Boat. Whoops, wrong sub.
A pilots plane is shot down When he parachutes out, he is taken to a pow camp. He is later asked "What did you have on the wings of your plane?" "Holes mostly..."
If you wake up on Christmas morning with a bad taste in your mouth Remember, Santa only comes around once a year to empty his sack.
Doctor Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in What about a matchbox!
An in-depth test to see if you know how to avoid Clickbait Apparently not!
What's the difference between God and Donald Trump? God doesn't think he's Donald Trump
While I was very disappointed & angry to find my daughter smoking a cigarette I'll be damned if she didn't look cooler.
The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now.
My comedian alias would be The Carcinogin My jokes give people cancer
use words like 'perpendicular' when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying
Since we're talking about Michael Jackson--- What did the guy say to MJ at the beach? Get out of my son.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it's pretty obvious that Americans don't breed well in captivity.
"What would Jesus do?" is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he'd get out and walk to shore. See?
I broke up with my girlfriend on a ski trip Our relationship was going downhill.
I'll never read pride &amp; prejudice I'm way to good to get into a book that probably goes all preachy on me
The 3 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work.. if you have a 2 second dog
The flight attendant keeps saying "Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don't have flight attendants."
I'm the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I'm dressed as a bean bag.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg and wait. -hospitals
Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I'm being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.
Sometimes I wonder if I need to spell it out to people.. But then I realised I typed it, so I already did spell it out.
We just got a donkey He's a real Jackass
And YOU get a vegetable pod! And YOU get a vegetable pod! And YOU get a vegetable pod! And YOU get a vegetable pod! ~ The Okra Show
Im eating out this old lady... Im eating out this old lady and i start to taste horse seamen, at that moment i think, " oh grandma, thats how you died"
I don't punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people
I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
If Donald Trump becomes President, The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object  every time.
Your momma is so stupid that she thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep?  She reads them pig tales.
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? She can fit into your wife's clothes
I used to be a plastic surgeon Which raised a few eyebrows.
A man walked into a bar. He should have been watching where we was going.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
Why don't black people ever go on cruises? We're not falling for that one again!
"Go ahead, caller...." "Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way."
Its national left-handers day I'm going to rub one out with my right hand to give lefty his day off
If you think my laughter is infectious, you should try having unprotected sex with me.
"Can I touch it?" A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?" He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
In our wedding, I'll invite his ex and be like "Still believe you can get him back?"
The first rule of relationships: You don't find out why someone was available until it's too late.
Why are pigs such early risers? Did you ever try to shut off a rooster?
Why do anarchists smell so bad? Because they're *revolting*
Why did the lizard go on a diet ? It weighed too much for its scales !
How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.
I made a huge mistake I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.
When asked what it was like getting over a Viagra addiction my buddy said,"Well my first few days were the hardest."
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that's gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15. Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
I hate East German Cars I mean, the Trabant was a load of old pants.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Welcome to the jungle. Happy Birthday to you. - Christina Aguilera at a kid's birthday party.
What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event? Cross country
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? denim denim denim
You don't have to like me but at least base it on your own opinion, not someone Else's.
If you come mow my lawn for me I promise to look out the window occasionally and give you a thumbs up.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
What do you call an annoying black person? A nagger.
Yeah, did you hear about the really chatty snake gynecologist? Well, he was good at his job, but I just couldn't stand how he kept sticking his head in my business.
Two olives are pals, and they're hanging from the tree like they'vebeen for months. Suddenly, one falls to the ground. The remainingone says, "Are you ok?" And the other replies, "Olive!"
Q: How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"
I asked my mother if I could have some cloth to give to the nuns. She said, "Fine, just don't let it become a habit"
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
I'm wearing nike pants so you have to just do it...
You made an imprint on my heart like a big butt on a memory foam mattress.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his soup before it was cool
What are Mario's overalls made out of DENIM DENIM DENIM
[speed dating] Me: Periods. Her: Huh? Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside? Her: In the US or the UK? Me: Let's get married.
Who answers the Crime Stoppers Hotline? Stymied Coppers
Gonorrhea is the name of the medication used to treat diarrhea, right?
When does a heterosexual man leave a gay bar? Straight away.
Being an ugly woman is like being a man... You're going to have to work. -Daniel Tosh
If you stop at a yellow light I'm going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
Netflix just announced it's raising the price and changing it's slogan to "One movie you wanna see and a thousand others you never heard of"
"Mrs. Doubtfire" is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common? Baristas
TIFU by getting and STD from my Grandma she gave me hepatitis G
Hey girl, I've got a sex-Ed project due tomorrow... And I need a 69 to pass.
What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? They're both alright for a ride until your mates find out!
Q: Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? A: They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
what does a son tell to his mother when he's leaving his house in India? Mumbai
People that type in all caps are... Capitalists.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I've got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
LAPD announced they fired a dozen officers this today... In other news, 12 cabins were burned to the ground in Big Bear.
I just started a new job at a factory that makes chess pieces. I'm on knights next week.
I asked a North Korean how was life in his country... He said he couldn't complain.
My friend, Power, is always tired That's because his boss makes him work overtime.
I post stuff in the wrong sub-reddits. AMA wait... FUCK
Go Pats! (I mean people named Pat. Can't be easy for them.)
My dad's favorite joke for some reason... What's black, white, red, and can't turn around in an elevator? ... A nun with a javelin through her head.
I asked Roy Hodgson if he would consider 4-4-2 next week. He said, "No, we'll probably go 7-4-7  it's wider and offers more leg room."
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
A freind of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land-mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
What do white supremacists drink at their rallies? White Powerade
What happened to the octopus in the football game? He had tentackles.
[At the Rumble] her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels* me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
It's always I before E Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.
Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
What do you call a blind dinosaur? An Idontthinkhesaurus.
Why couldn't Spongebob get a mortgage? Because his house was underwater.
Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Boss: Tell me a joke Me: I am busy Boss: Good one!! Tell me another
You all know why Hurricane Matthews is so bad Well unlike Katrina its a guy
My jokes are like hot chicks Hard to get, and when you do they are not anywhere near as good as you thought they would be
Someone said you sound like an owl. Who?
I like my women like I like my milk... White, with 2% fat.
a priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench... the priest sees some kids playing nearby. he leans over to the rabbi points and says "how about we screw them" the rabbi says "out of what?"
I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better. Bartenders.. Those people are called bartenders
It's been raining so much, I have begun the construction on my Ark. If you need any help I Noah guy.
Why didn't Hitler drink tequila? Because it made him mean.
What is the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aaron ! Aaron who ! Aaron the barber's floor !
What do you call 40 mexicans standing in your yard holding hands? Spicket fence.
Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don't know where to start and I always end up screaming.
UGH now I just painted an amazing picture but accidentally painted a thumb in the corner
Whoever stole my dildo can go fuck themselves.
Young guy goes in for his annual physical Doctor says: You have to stop masturbating Young man: What?! Why?? Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you!
[doing standup] So I live in Kansas [hysterical laughter] That...that wasn't the joke
So Bill Cosby and Darren Sharper walked into the bar... I would tell you what happened next but for some reason I can't remember a thing from that night.
Gordon Ramsey... Who was the first five star cook in ancient Egypt? Pharoh Godron Ramses! Who is his favorite god? Its fuckin Ra!
[LPT request] how to wake up from a bad dream. Wait. What do you mean he's really president?
"I wish I could answer phone calls with my Walkman." -Steve Jobs in the 80's
What do a plumber and a walrus both enjoy? A nice tight seal
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backward? A receding hareline.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Snow Ain't the problem Isis
Do you wanna here something ironic?? Iron Man is a Fe-male!
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was "adkwodrtrgfvnfif"
I've got a pretty big role coming up It's a cinnamon roll.
The problem with dieting is food.
My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.
Man, I sure am mad about the rising bullet prices... Now I get less bang for my buck!
I'm on a seefood diet I see food and I eat it.
I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer.. It was a suspended sentence
Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first. I hate walking into spiderwebs...
[Self-Checkout] ME: also I ate a donut in the store MACHINE: Place the item on the belt ME: I can't because I ate it MACHINE: Place the
What starts with 'D' and has two letters in it? w
What is long, hard and leaves a warm, white, sticky substance in your mouth? Toothbrush.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
2 black eyes What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, I already told her twice.
Of course you don't know 'our song.' You didn't know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.
What did the Wife-DNA say to the Husband-DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
Maybe every nation has ninjas And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst
Taking a nap until my carbon monoxide detector stops beeping.
What's the worst part about eating 69 oysters out of your grandma? Finding out she already posted this joke on Reddit.
Honey I won the Lottery. Overly exuberant husband came home. "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery!" Wife; "Where are we going?". Husband; "We are not going anywhere - get the fuck out!"
My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I was playing Words with Fiends I scored 50 points for using all my runes, but summoned Pazuzu.
People really hate my cheesy puns... but I'm quite fondue of them.
What does an accountant use for birth  control? His personality.
In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter.. ..so I failed her!
When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent's condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.
A guy came up to me in the gym. "How the hell did you get a body like that?" he asked. "Thanks," I said, "That's very flattering." He said, "Not really mate."
Did you know that yeast cells are incestuous? They're in-bread.
What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce? Chicken caesar salad
Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.
TRIVIA TIME: What flavor shake did Marty McFly get in the diner during the first Back To the Future movie? Parkinson's.
If you are single don't worry. Someone will come around shortly to totally fcuk that up.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
Why don't lawyers have sex with their clients? To prevent double billing.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I'm hoping there's gonna be a sniper.
I don't like cocaine I only like the smell.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring nickelback
Why should transgender people get separate bathrooms? There's already handicapped stalls.
What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose.
Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up Everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.
Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke? Because he finally got it!
what do you call a cow with no legs ground beef
Trump won't drop out I wonder how that makes Republicans feel, being forced to carry something ***to term***
What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? Electricity.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance "The Human" by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
What did the mother say to the pedophile at the beach? "Get out of my sun!"
What is the rapper's favorite bread? 2 Grainz
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair... Me: Yes, baby Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I'm not superstitious, I'm just a bit stitious.
What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room? An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral.
I call my genitalia the Severance Package... After its seen it usually ends relationships.
sighs "always the predator, never the prey..."
Why is Santa's sack so full? Because he only comes once a year.
What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up? I can't feel my face when I'm with you...
What do Pentecostals and Nudists have in common? Neither can wear pants
I got caught making out with my cousin once - mum and dad went mental. In my defence we were just kids, and there was an awful lot of alcohol at her funeral.
If steroids are illegal for athletes, then Photoshop should be illegal for models
How much do pirates pay to get an earring? A Buccaneer.
[running amok in flames] WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
A baby seal walks into a club
My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go... He passed away peacefully in his sheep
I saw a guy holding a TV I was walking down the street, when I saw a black guy holding a TV. I thought "holy shit, is that mine?" I went home to check. But nah, mine was at home polishing my shoes.
When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don't think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
How is the American public now like Socrates? By November, they will have both picked their poison.
Swimming Is Good For You... Especially if you are drowning.
Threesome So, I finally talked my wife into having a threesome... So she said the only condition is that she pick the other girl... So I told her no... I will pick both of them..
Only works in German - What is the biggest monkey? - Giraffe!
A coworker asked me if I would please quit loudly singing along with my Oasis mix tape this morning. I said maybe...
Our culture is like a fungus. It's fucking disgusting but it grows on you.
Why did the washing machine stop? Somebody threw the towel in.
As an american, I feel really sorry for the Canadians up north. I mean, how do they even live if their summer is 30 degrees?
What bird tastes just like butter ? A stork !
I think my bank is trying to get me to become a gymnast. They keep sending me letters about my outstanding balance.
I tried to tell an Armenian genocide joke in Istanbul. Nobody got it.
A man walks into a bar... He says "Ow"
Hey guys, look! Original content made it on to ifunny!
Having hearing problems? Turn down the volume on your porn. Problem solved!
Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time? Because the signs say "No trespassing"
Do you know what you call a nickle and a penny? The Sixth Cents
How many redditors are needed to screw a lightbulb? As much people as is needed to screw that lightbulb.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I wasn't going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Where do terrorists store their money? In the West Bank
Say what you will about that pilot... ...but at least he died doing what German's love most. Mass murdering innocent people.
What's the most dangerous animal in Africa? Black people. (Slightly Racist I know)
What do gay Asian men do in the bedroom? They Bangkok
"listen up, I'm only going to show you this once!" ~ suicide bomber teacher.
How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!
Worry: a waste of imagination.
Why don't people like talking about herpes? It's a sore subject.
Two topics which should never be in the same sentence "Zika" "Can I get a little head"
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant... Mom: Cant what?! D: She cant even. She literally cannot even. M: *single tear falls*
[in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope
Wanna hear a joke? Your life
Hey online media: "Comfortability" isn't a word. The noun you're looking for is "comfort." And it doesn't need you to give it a fancy hat.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't go apeshit and stalk me for years when I put a couple of loads in it.
Why did the Chicken cross road? With rice.
When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Q: Why don't matches play baseball? A: One strike, and they're out.
Why was the motorcycle going so slow? Because it was two tired!
Describe myself in 4 words? Bad at counting.
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes... ...I told him to lighten up.
what do you call a sad ditch? a depression.
The rest of the world should fear our military. We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
What do you get if you cross a telephone with a night crawler? Ringworm!
Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher  stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.
What is Irish and sits on the porch? Patty O'Furniture
When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box...But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.
Why does the little mermaid where sea shells? 'Cause the B-shells were too small.
words are just a big scam. they all just mean other words. so you keep on using even more and more words. that's how they get you.
I was so happy it only took me seven days to complete this puzzle! The box said it would take 2-4 years.
Why is six afraid of seven? Seven made six confused.
What's hairy dangerous and only surfs the  Net when there's a full moon? The www.erewolf.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
How to make an idiot curious? I'll post the answer tomorrow.
How embarrassing would it be if Facebook automatically updated statuses to what you where doing. "Billy is alone in his room."
What do you call someone who won't get off your lawn? A grasshole.
What's the difference between anal sex and regular sex? Regular sex can make your night, but anal sex can make your hole weak.
Are you from Tennessee? Because your accent and appearance suggests that you hail from the southeast.
One old man was talking to another "Hows your incontinence?" "Depends."
I just bought a pair of glasses from Zenni Optical. 20/20 would buy again.
What is gray and comes in pints? An elephant! edit: maybe I should say what is gray and cums in pints?
Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He went up on a guy.
I've been Nominated for Facebook's New Award, Most Funny/Best Posts in 2013!.......In other news I lost my job, my wife, car, and all contact with the outside World!!!
'I am your God, and now it is night!' I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
What do you call a nut that eats other nuts? A pecan-nibal! Made this up at work while hungry.
A joke I tried to make about the difference between British and American government. (Bad language) One of our politicians fucked a pig's head All of your politicians are pig headed fuckers
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta away!
Watched my first porno today... I looked much younger back then.
"Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle
The local police station had their toilet stolen. The cops say they have nothing to go on.
What would you call ISIS after they've been eliminated? WASWAS.
If Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are on a boat together, and it sinks, who survives? America
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!? "Mom, it's-" *dad makes throat slice gesture* "No one, Mom. No one"
Donald Trump is going to demand to see Hilary Clinton's birth certificate... to make sure she is a woman.
Dark humor is like kids with cancer... Never gets old
911 What's your emergency Me: I'm calling to complain about the quality of this cocaine 911: The police are on their way Me: Thanks
Dammit I forgot my headphones and I'm at the airport wait here's some for 16 million dollars thank god.
I was the second man on the moon Neil before me
How do you communicate with a fish? You drop it a line!
Pink Panther's TODO list 1. TODO 2. TODO 3. TODO TODO TODO TODO TODOOO
A boy goes to his parents to tell them something "Mom, Dad. I'm gay." His father then turns to him and says "Hi Gay, I'm 100 Dollars Richer!", while recieving money from the mom.
I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now.
Jesus tells Peter, "Come forth and you shall have eternal glory!" Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
Ok, seriously men... You can't hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you're suddenly wide awake?!
Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that's a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles
Him: Can you forgive me? *mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is* Me: Yes, but I'm really hurt so please give me time.
I'm much better at organizing my thoughts on Reddit than I am IRL After all, most of my comments here just have the one point.
Whats the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scottish man The Rolling Stone says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud." and the Scottish man says, "Hey McLeod get off of my ewe."
If an opinion is worth 2 cents, how many cents is an argument worth? It really just depends on how much cents it makes.
Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook
When I was 6 I got coal from Santa... The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
What do you call a horse with a broken leg? Worthless
did you know that the earth used to be 100% water? that was until yo momma got thirsty.
How do you know if a joke is a dad joke? A dad joke has to reach father for a pun.
Why was the cookie monster arrested for computer hacking??? He was in possession of all the "COOKIES"
Why did the bowling pins stop working? They went on strike!
Video Games made me do it. Rock n' Roll made me do it. Witches made me do it. Satan made me do it. - a short history of responsibility
Teacher and John Teacher: John. Give me a sentence beginning with "I". Paul: I is the... Teacher: No, John . You must say "I am" not "I is." John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "hey thanks" and I'm like "I'm just happy to be a part of this nice community"
Teacher: Fill out the parent form. Me: Why? Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble. Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
"Be cool, it's the cops" I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
LPT: If someone brings in home baked goods to say goodbye after being let go, don't eat them. I used laxatives.
Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB.
If you say "gullible" very slow, it sounds like "butterflies"
Parents yelling "I'm not going to ask you again" at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
5: Daddy whatcha doin'? Me: Cleaning my shot gun 5:Why? Me: Because one day a boy will like you 5:You mean like Ben? *racks the chamber*
Two polacks are driving in a car The driver: Stick your head out the window and see if my directional is working. Is it on?" The passenger:" Uh yep. nope. yep. nope. yep. nope"
Bilbo wakes up suddenly to Don't Stop Believing. It was an unexpected Journey.
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "what is this a joke?"
What is the difference between a Windows Phone and a brick? One is a brick and the other is a brick with a screen
Why can't ewoks yell in the house? Because they have to use their Endor voices.
*E=mcHammer *when E is a constant variable that can't be touched
So I finally got around to watching the Twin Tower attacks 9/11 would watch again.
What did the rapper say when he couldn't find his pants? "Where my knickers at?"
So a redditor walked into a bar... Just kidding, they just sit on reddit and read these lame jokes.
Why are the police so corrupt? Because criminals keep turning themselves into the police.
A man goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide, the librarian turns around and says "fuck you, you wont bring it back"
Regular naps prevent aging... Especially if you take them while driving.
Can't get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving "this doesn't work" and "I'm bleeding to death".
There was a lot of this before MJ died. [img]http://i.imgur.com/oZxmOzJ.png[/img]
How do genetically engineered car salesmen from Boston greet their customers? Hey, gattaca? GATTACA?
Did you hear about the guy who killed the sphinx? i hear he's one bad-ass motherfucker...
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
A Jamaican is sightseeing in Egypt. A vehicle drives by, beeping its horn. "Coo yah!" he says. "It's tootin' car, mon!"
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you're supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that's running just punkd you.
I did a self defense course I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion
Today I found out that nobody living in my town is allowed to be buried in it. It might be because they're alive
MY VIRGINITY
I was about to tell you a bank joke But I lost all interest.
Don't assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
What's a hats favourite thing? Getting head
The Three Unwritten Rules Of Life 1. 2. 3.
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
You hang Up. "No you hang Up." No YOU hang Up. "No YOU hang Up." - couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
What do black people with Down's Syndrome call their friends? Their Chromies
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital? The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play  louder? A: You can't!
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One fish says to the other, "I don't know how to drive this thing".
How many Communists does is take to screw in a light bulb? All of them.
I've wanted to post this forever. This.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today...finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons? Because blonde guys aren't that smart either
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery! Upvote for visibility.
Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Why was the actor detained by airport security? He said he was in town to shoot a pilot.
So a man goes to work... Memed XD im a grill btw so upboat plz.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend's band's show.
Ladies, never agree to do an@l, save it for when you do something so bad a blowjob can't fix things.
I wonder if Ronald McDonald sadistically cackles as he bludgeons innocent chickens and uses clown magic to turn them into nuggets.
No body What do you call a man with no body and a nose? Nobody knows!
I don't have a swimmer's body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
What did the letter F say when he became cool? Sup G?
My grandpa told me this before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A cheese shop was just bombed in Paris. There's de-brie everywhere ^^^I'm ^^^really ^^^sorry
How can you tell the pig is a failure as Easter bunny? By the egg on its face.
What's big, green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.
What is a goat herder known as in the Middle East? A Pimp
Jaws How do you know the girl from Jaws had dandruff? She left her Head &amp; Shoulders on the beach
(Sigh) I thought "The Scarlet Letter" was a book about red stationery....
As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election. Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn't send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I like putin The rest of the joke down here
i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A's and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Astrid was a victim of ID theft Now she has to go get a new one.
What do you get when you mix a bulldog and a shih tzu? Bullshit. Works better if you say it out loud.
How does a Russian catch fish? A niet!
When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them.
[NYE] ME: *wearing 2017 glasses* OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
What is the prettiest thing about a DC girl? Her resume.
Did you hear about the incestuous hotdogs? They say they're in bread.
Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole? A: He varnished into thin air!
Why does it see like fur is more hated than leather? Its easy to harass a 90lb aneroxic and walk away. It's a lot harder to do the same to the 250lb tattooed, long haired, biker.
What do books and sex have in common? They both have a climax.
if boris johnson was priminster he'd make all of us shop at Borrisons
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
Before I met my wife I was incomplete.. Now I'm finished.
What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snow balls. Ha
"See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today." -Oh really? Why? "Because I lost my tennis racquet."
Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness, Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
What do you call a woman who misses her period? Fucked
cashier at the book store told me to "take it easy" so I stabbed her in the neck with my keys because nobody tells me how to live my life.
What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common? They're both fun to watch tumble down stairs.
I'm not sure if I'm depressed Or just nihilistic
You can't die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches.. But hey.. That's just Hawaii roll.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you and I have a lot in common.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Terror attack in New York Thousands of people scream as Mariah Carey bombs Time Square
Someone recently broke in to my nan's flat and stole her precious limbo trophy... How low can you get?
So, a girl was giving me a handjob... and I told her to stop because she was rubbing me the wrong way.
Progress Johnny do you still throw stones at birds ? No sir, now i use slingshot.
How i feel when i find out Tom Brady is suspended for 4 games
Trump's inauguration is like his hands: Tiny in comparison.
Guys, throw away ALL your favorite things. Go to Pier 1, buy some throw pillows and potpourri. Ok, you're ready for marriage.
What if they had a call center where they call you everyday with a mission to make you laugh? But instead of a call center, they called it a lol center! So much lol, that it will make you fall!
Stop complaining about the length of the Hobbit movies. Plays are 17 hours long. School plays are twice that.
Can you say three two-letter words that mean small? Is it in?
Did you know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen? It protects from deadly rays.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Interview joke Interviewer: What is your name, and what do you do for a living Bank Robber: I'm Robin Banks
I avoid making friends by being honest with people
So I, (male) have a Girlfriend with a schoolgirl fantasy... The only problem is...I fell uncomfortable wearing the dress. Stole from the office. S3E21
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off? Aw shucks!
(accidentally invented when heard words out of context) What kind of food did Hitler eat? Notseafood
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
A man buys a house The guy he buys it from says "we printed out the deed but didn't have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?" "That wooden deed"
How do you guarantee that your wishes always come true? Wish for something that is already true.
4 out of 5 dentists agree, that 5th dentist is an asshole.
What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer after there's no more Job's
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?"
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I went out for dinner last night. The Captain's Basket was on special for $7.00. I tried it just for the halibut.
How many out of date redditers does it take to change a light bulb? OVER 9000
I put the 'fun' in 'dyslexic'.
How do you throw a space party? You planet!
What do you call a fly without any wings? A walk
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together - Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
What's the United States favorite brand of shortening? San Fran Crisco
Nice told me a joke How many bakers does it take to run a bakery? Bun Edit: Title should say Niece
Why do women hate panty lines? Because like, it sucks waiting around for underwear.
What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas? Gloves! Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.
This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback
How do you spell relief? F-A-R-T
"I'm dying call me an ambulance" Best friend: "Ok dying, you're an ambulance"
To where going Batman running fast? To the Bathroom
Whats the difference between a joke and 2 dicks. You cant take a joke
What did Cholera say to Malaria? Are you gonna Jaundice on Saturday?
They say the best way to prepare your kids for loss in later life is to have pets. So I bought a puppy and shot it in front of them. I'm not having my kids growing up damaged.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a four-year old child? Eric Clapton never would have let his bag of coke fall out of a 49th-story window!
Freedom of speech [deleted]
My grandpa's a total perv My mom told me he had a stroke at my sisters dance recital!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. *bows*
What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?" ###SOMEDAY ###SOMEDAY! ###SOMEDAY!!
What do you call a group of homosexual musicians from India who never get to play out? A Gay Raj band
Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Well, can't fit that much shit in a sneaker!
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts. Cause a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
An amoralist, a nihilist, and a world-weary cynic walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors in here.".
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a hooker? When I'm choking the lawnmower, I don't stick my dick in it.
Dirty limericks? GO! [NSFW] There once was a girl named Alice Who used dynamite as a phallus They found her vagina in South Carolina And bits of her tits in Dallas
I recently learned my friend likes to be dominated by his girlfriend in bed. I wouldn't have pegged him for that.
How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty? She kept wetting the bed.
OMG you guys, my penis is doing the most adorable thing right now!
If you cool your body down to -273,16 degrees celsius.. ..you'd be 0K
DMX is in jail Because X didn't give it to them.
*wife opens present* "You got me the action figure you wanted?" Ugh if you don't appreciate it then give me it *takes gift and runs to room*
What's a mathematician's favorite plant? Geometry
What's the difference between babies and cats People want to see pictures of your cat.
I'm glad to see Reddit is so environmentally friendly! Especially /r/jokes. They are full of recycled content!
A conservative is beating a liberal in a debate [removed]
Camper: Is it easy to milk a cow? Farmer: Sure it is. Any jerk can do it.
One of the anchors on CBS Sports just referred to smoking weed as "toking salad" and from that alone I'll bet my life savings he's a dad
What looks ridiculous and is often spotted on top of an asshole? Donald Trump's Hair.
What happened to the native man that drank 23 cups of tea? He went home and drowned in his tea pee.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Why did Jesus stop playing Hockey? He just kept getting nailed to the boards. Sorry too anyone offended, but come on, why are you here if you get offended. PS, Sorry Jesus, its funny!
So a lumber jack was severely injured this evening... It was quite the accident.
What's the difference between funny jokes, and the jokes that make always make it big on reddit? Puns. Fuck puns.
You know your old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
An officer gets shot in a marijuana raid...
"PARTY FOWL" someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."
If you ever feel useless... .. Remember that there is a comment section on porn sites.
My wife informs me that today our 2YO daughter said, "fart," and laughed uproariously. Three times. So, yeah. That one's mine.
Whats the KKK's favorite type of cake? Sheet cake.
What did the officials say whenever systematic punishment was banned? There's no punchline.
Every Husband is a farmer by default. His survival solely depends on "agree"culture... "Agree"culture increases the GDP (Gross Domestic Peace). Not my original. Just heard at a party recently. :)
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you'd better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
What do you call an detective's glasses? Inspectacles
Why wouldn't Samus go below Brinstar? Because she was a-Kraid to. Now I think about it, this joke is a bit more "Riddle-y," than say an actual joke.
My dentist isn't racist. He has loads of plaque friends.
How many animals can fit into a pair of pantyhose? Ten pigs, two calves, one beaver, and an ass.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ? A teddy boar !
I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
*Tries to go into debt* DEBT: I have a boyfriend
What did the "O" call the Zero? Weirdo!
Me: "If Americans say 'sidewalk', what do we mean in England?" My six year old: "Crab!"
I never warn my wife before I pull the anal beads out.. I like starting the mower on the first tug.
50 years from now..."Remember that time we were fighting the riot police and the National Guard ..." "...and your mommy shows up and kicks your ASS?"
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Two fish are in a tank.. One turns to the other and asked "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
The US economy That's the joke.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
In awkward situations I'll sometimes break out my braille version of Calvin and Hobbes. You know - comic relief.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, personal trainer. Obesity killed my father. Prepare to diet.
In an alternate universe, the President... is given an attache and told not to press the button inside beyond the most dire circumstances. Instructions nuclear.
A man walks into a bar and says, "David Foster Wallace was not the greatest writer to ever live." .
Feminist are boycotting James Coney Island.. They claim it's all about the wieners
Carl: Perfect weather tonight. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet. Me: Fair enough.
Whats the difference between a Pope and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he is around 12.
When a man falls off a boat, you say, "Man overboard!" What do you say when a woman falls off a boat? "Full speed ahead!"
"Wolfgang Mozart", says Mozart's friend... "What?!" replies Mozart. Then they are both eaten by a gang of wolves.
According to my current parking spot, I'm Chief of Police.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket? ME: You shut your mouth TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Where does the General keep hs armies? In his sleevies.
Customer: Why is my hairline  receding? Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.
Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent? Because they contain a lot of fowl language.
The Kardashian Family motto: Getting black men off since the OJ trial.
Why did the whale cross the road? To get to the other tide.
Why is golf better than sex? It lasts for hours and they are 18 different holes.
The movie was better than the book because I'm illiterate.
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? In the US you can't milk a cow for 14 years.
"The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV
I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.
Squirrels run around like they're being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The Defecator. "That's not even a real Transformer." Beat it, kid.
Two guys in Ohio die and wake up in hell The paramedics revived them
Here in England, we drive on the right side of the road. If we drove on the wrong side, there'd be a lot more crashes.
My son is a star mathlete. He has developed a geometric formula for fitting his body perfectly into a locker.
What did the Redditor say at his wedding? TIL death do us part.
Why was the alligator sad? It had a kiddie meal but didn't get a toy.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here's Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report. GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk] I quit. Back to you, John.
i went to a wedding for two antennae The ceremony was pretty bad, but the reception was amazing
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn't stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we'd all be a lot skinnier.
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
What happens to a tipped cow? They can't MOOve
In honor of America's upcoming Independence Day, do you know why America spells "behavior", "color", and "humor" the way they do? Because **fuck u**, that's why!
An Islamic person and a Christian person are arguing theology, and one says to the other "let's be reasonable". Ba doom' chaaa.
GOD: hey my son is broken, he won't absolve the sins of mankind IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again
So I caught my dog chewing on a tree yesterday. He said the bark was really rough.
Have you heard that all the buses and trains are stopping today? No. Is there a strike? No they're stopping to let the passengers off.
What's Bill Clinton's drug of choice? Blow.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his plates? In Iraq.
Do you know what they feed you at Guantanamo Bay? Well after being there for 30 years, neither do I!
Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test? Because its period came too late.
I feel like a lot of single women have been naming their cats Adele this year.
That awkward moment when sluts hate on other sluts for being sluts.
I'm getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there's a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[Robot Uprising] Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you? Robot: I am a counting machine Human: Oh thank g Robot: Now killing human #53822
Here's to alcohol, the cause of  and solution to  all life's problems.
Why are waiters terrible pornstars? They only want the tip
Did you hear about that fire at the circus?! I heard it was in tents!
My dad thought it would be a good idea to show my girlfriend my baby photos. "You haven't changed at all." she laughed. "That's enough of the naked ones, please." I told him.
"Were you in Paris on your  vacation?" "I don't know my wife got the tickets."
What's 9 inches long, purple, and I love to shove it down my girlfriend's throat? Her miscarriage.
[Sahara desert] Me: *shares canteen* Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out* Me: it's ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
What's the diffrence between a girl in a church and a girl in a bath? The girl in a church has a soul full of hope and the girl in a bath has, well... EDIT: better structure.
Sometimes people want to have full conversations really early in the morning and it's okay to kill those people.
POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer [everyone looks at him] Oops
A deer walks into a bar 3 people leave realizing how dangerous a deer in a bar is.
The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.
Went out for a few drinks with some hedgehogs last night... I got spiked
"Doctor, is the baby healthy?" "Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her." "Huh?" *Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
How do you find a vegan at your dinner party? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
People say I'm a stand up guy.. ....but I prefer to sit down when I can. Good morning everyone!
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. An explanation please?
My Grandfather was one of those Unorthodox Jews. He was a Nazi.
Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can't help but think, "Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you."
What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved
Unlike Rick Astley, this tweet is likely to let you down.
Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes.
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the F out of safe, and the F out of way.
I enjoy much more playing lots of videogames then having sex with Emma Watson.. In that particular order.
Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? One goes "cockadoodle doo", the other goes, "Any cock 'ill do." Old joke my 60-something grandfather told me when I was 10
The Tea Party is the biggest case of Stockholm Syndrome ever. Poor people rallying to the cause of those keeping them in poverty.
They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
What are those small bumps around women's nipples? It's Braille for "Suck Here"
Why are double amputees always wrong? Because they don't have a leg to stand on. Note: I'm a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.
My Girlfriend Called Me A Pedophile... I said: "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year old!"
So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
The man who created knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.
What do you call an Optomitrist who is very highly thought of in his community? Respectacle
What is your mom's favorite animal? Macaque.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.
Me, as a judge: OK we'll take a quick recess now. *lawyers start discussing lawyer things* *I go outside and swing on the swingset*
i dont care what anyone says, i dont have a follow up statement i just dont care what anyone says.
A comedian is called to the IRS... ...they tell him he owes more taxes. He says, "Why?" They say, "Because we appreciated your humor."
Why can't you surf on microwaves? Because they're too small.
Mum why am i getting my Christmas present in August? Because its cheaper than chemo.
What do you call a Chinese fly with no wings? A wok.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other one's a fish.
What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand? A trillionaire.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Spaces matter in Spanish! Why? Because.
I heard they came out with the new black transformer... His name is Optimus *Crime*
What is Walt Jr.'s favorite movie? The Breakfast Club.
My uncle, as an oncologist.... ... has a great sense of tumor.
Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.
If a cougar is a woman who likes younger boys... then a man who likes younger boys must be a Nittany lion!
I know this guy who prematurely ejaculates and he just comes out of no where...
An Irishman and his bean soup Why did the Irishman only want 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would be too farty.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My date thinks he's gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants. The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I'm wearing a skirt.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: "long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."
Hillary Clinton hot sauce Fiery and Bernie out the back end
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self raising.
a man walks into a bar he had a concussion and died
Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers. They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Being fat is over weighted.- Elmer Fudd
Stop burning bridges. They're not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Where do you get sent if you have a brainfreeze? The iceeu
What was the burglar doing at Wayne Manor? Robin.
*classic 90's sitcom where sister is taking too long in the bathroom* Sister: hold on I'm taking a big shit. *theme music plays*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me? Me: *sprints up stairs Her: I'm kidding. Can you hand me the remote? Me: this is so us
An ironic joke walks into a bar, orders a beer, and sits down Bartender says hey! We're straight talkers here... no irony allowed. Ironic joke says well that's fine then, because I just want a beer.
Why do they eat snails in France? They don't like fastfood
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows!
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy HP: ..
What was the pedophile's favourite drink? The milkshake, because it brought all the boys to his yard
"How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?" -Cats
What's the difference between Jesus and a vagina? A vagina is still good after a couple of nails
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.... Almost all of them replied, "How the hell did you get in here?"
"To be is to do" - Socrates. "To do is to be" - Nietzsche. "Do be do be do" - Sinatra. "Beep beep beep" - R2D2.
Two snowmen were talking on a cold day... One of them said to the other: "funny, I smell carrots too!"
Why did the Kurd bury his music collection? His tribesman said "ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis."
A guy in New York is selling the world's largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn't really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce.
It is well known...
How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish?(X-post r/nfl) Mark Sanchez.
Mom mom are farts heavy? "no, son"... "oh I guess I shit myself then"
What do you call a horny guy in a pool? Driftwood
I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Why is their always lightning in France? Obviously, since lightning takes the path of least resistance.
Your restraining order says NO But your lazy eye says.......maybe later.
I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips
What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don't know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.
Pinocchio was going down on his GF, she started yelling lie to me, lie to me. Pinocchio:" i love you"!
Coughing problems -My wife is constantly coughing. We have tried everything and nothing helps. -Have you tried weed? -Yes, she is coughing and laughing.
I've noticed... I've noticed, if you're scared of spiders they always turn up in your bedroom. So by using that logic... I'm scared of blonde girls with big boobs.
"Will I ever live in a clean house again?" *shakes magic 8 ball *magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess
How does the pig farmer get to the fair? He rides piggyback.
it might be a handjob for her... but it's a career for me.
Where did the man with an undecorated yard put his spare change? His Hedge Fund.
Why don't cannibals eat the feet? Because they are lactoes intolerant. Told to me by my 12 year old.
Dark humor is like clean water... it's just not accessible to everyone.
Short Dad Joke These kind of jokes always make me laugh a little, if you don't get it at first.. think about it! "A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop."
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Hush Puppies I felt like getting some Hush Puppies, but wanted something a bit more intense, so I went to the biker bar and ordered some Shut the Fuck Up Puppies
What do you get when you take Viagra with an iron supplement? an erection that points north.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don't realize how bad it is for their health.....until I'm choking them
What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.
Jersey Shore was doomed the moment they named it after Pauly Shore.
What do two cousins say after they have sex? Roll Tide.
How do circumcision doctors get paid? In tips.
I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep... 1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!
My neighbour is singing under the shower again. Luckily, i can't hear her through my binoculars.
A man arrives home and was absolutely delighted when he saw that someone had stolen every single lamp from his house
Damn girl, are you my Bachelor's degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
Don't reply to nuclear reactors that say they're ugly. They're just fission for compliments.
Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of a place she went to in the past with a caption that says "take me back </3"
What do you call a white person wearing glasses while playing Yu-Gi-Oh? Four eyes white dragon. ^sorry if repost, thought of this myself.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I have a nightlight flashlight...I can only see in the dark for 2 seconds in 10 second intervals
What's black and white and red all over... An interracial couple getting what they deserved.
A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talk TO EACH OTHER instead of about each other.
I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom. You know, to make it more classy.
In the year 1973, there were 2000 Elvis Impersonators. By 1993, over 30,000. At this rate, by 2050 1 out of 3 people will be Elvis
Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.
What's DJ Khaleds favourite number? 11, because it has another one
What did the /r/news mod say to the other /r/news mod? [censored]
[Nsfw]What is in common between broccoli and anal? Both feel bad as adult, if you're forced as a child
They say the heart is the most resilient organ... it can really take a beating.
What's at the end of Moby Dick? A whale of a time!
What do you get when you mix chocolate milk and cocaine? Ovalsheen. Credit goes to my cousin on this one.
What is Vladimir's computer always doing? ComPutin
What do you get if you cross a gardener with a banker? A box hedge fund!
just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Why shouldn't you buy underwear made in the Ukraine? Because Chernobyl fallout.
I Always Give 100% [FIXED] 20% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday, 20% on Wednesday...
Yep, it's a Yo-Mama joke Yo Mama'a so fat that when she goes to New York people say: That's one Big Apple.
In the words of a famous troublemaker I have a dream.
The truth about Chemistry Chemistry is all about experiments. Because Chem-is-try.
What's the difference between a skeptic and a conspiracy theorist? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
What do you get a man who has everything? storage
The news from Australia yesterday was terrifying That poor Muslim guy, I'd hate to be trapped in a room full of Australians too.
Cashier: Cute kid, how old? Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What's my total? Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes. #cashierlife
If I bought a balloon for $0.99... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?
The reason the earth's core is hot Is because my mixtape is so underground
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers' houses and made women try on a shoe I found
JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job? DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? A-tyre
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne? Superman: Um obviously. Batman: Think about that for a second.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
Have you heard? Have you heard of the Arkadian Genocide? Exactly.
I mentioned to my friend Hanz that today's the anniversary of the world trade center attacks. "Nein, 11" he said.
Do you want to know that people care whether you're alive? Try missing a couple of payments.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic  light? A: The color.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
You'd think your skeleton would get soggy, but doesn't. Good work, skeleton.
If you call someone from America American and someone from Mexico Mexican what do you call someone from Tibet? Chinese
What do you call a women who always knows where her husband is? A widow
What's it called when a planet orbits its sun 8 times? An orbyte
Purifying yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka Not as effective as NyQuil
I'd like to say that ALL quilts are great... ...but I try to avoid making blanket statements.
Hitting on girls at the bar is like payday I never get the number I asked for.
What do you call a fish with 27 eyes? Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I have a problem with people that are missing body parts. I guess I might just be lack-toes-intolerant.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
friend: here he comes. dont set him off again. me: ok me&friend: hey JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?
Knock knock Who's there? I got up.
"Lincoln" is a terrible movie The main character dies at the end.
There's no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I'll just go for it.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage] I'll take your finest orphan. "Sir, we can't just give-" Here's $50mil. "Do you like boy acrobats?"
50,000 battered women in America every year.. and I've been eating mine plain this whole time.
I dated an hermaphrodite... It was an "hermaphrodate"
A man gets into an accident in which both his ring fingers are cut off. Needless to say, his wife was shocked.
I'm not Madagascar, I'm just disappointedgascar
Why are black people so fast? Because all the slow ones are in prison
"Have you heard about the new pirate movie?" "It's rated aaarrrrrrrr."
If you've ever wondered what it's like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I have a friend whose fetish is cashews. He's fucking nuts.
"Money doesn't grow on trees" is something rich people say so you won't find their money trees.
What did the male potato chip say to the female potato chip? Are you Frito-lay?
Don't google "can you die from an ear infection" at 2am
Worst math joke I know. Two students sit in a geometry class. One says to the other "I'm cold!" The other says "go sit in the corner." "Why?" replies the first. "Because its 90 degrees!"
What's the only difference between a near sighted and a far sighted gynecologist ? A wet nose.
What's long and hard on a black guy? A math test.
What's the worst part about getting raped by an eskimo? Being forced Inuit.
How do you make a hippopotamus float? 2 hippos and a LOT of root beer.
Whenever my grandma comes to visit and I hear a loud thud from upstairs, I go for a coffee and think about the cool stuff I just inherited.
A tad bit racist... How do you starve a black man? Put his food-stamps next to his work boots.
I used to do drugs i still do, but i used to to. -Mitch rip the legendary Mitch Hedberg
I like my hot wings like I like my Holy Infants... ...tender and mild.
If my dog could talk he'd say "You hang up first..."
[marriage counselling] Her: he always thinks he's talking to me on CB radio Me: I don't, over Her: It's over Me: It's what? Over
I was reading in the paper... And I read about some midget that got pick pocketed. I thought to myself, "Who could stoop so low?"
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Yeah, America is the so called "land of the free", but you try to bring a monkey on board the plane and suddenly everyone's all about rules.
What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper? Listen hotshots don't monkey around with me!
The phrase "This shit is bananas" probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.
Why did it rain on Christmas Eve? Because of Santa and his Raindeer.
I never understood why Bill Clinton felt the need to cheat on Hillary . . . After all, she's proven to be great at getting sex offenders off.
How many anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question, anarchists can't change anything.
A bee is willing to end it's own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I've kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I've actually discovered several new species.
What do you call a mouse with cheese but no crackers? Cracka-lackin
What do Pink Floyd &amp; Dale Earnhart have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
What type of jokes don't work Dark jokes.
A nail walks into a bar And gets hammered.
What's the difference between a 1950s mental asylum and my fridge? One's filled with fruits and vegetables, the other's my fridge.
A salmon that jumps on the hook for ya http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdAoQvqh7eY
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I'd organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
OMG. My wife's boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator? One can raise a child.
I got aids in prison.. Hearing aids. I should've used them though, I might've been able to hear the guy that snuck up on me in the shower and gave me HIV.
People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology... I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.
Tim Cook officially came out of the closet... at least this is the one time when Android users can't claim that theirs came out first.
Me:*looks up from phone* Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench. Family: M: Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Why did the stoner put laxatives in the pot brownies? For shits and giggles
My friend David had his ID stolen the other day so now we just call him Dav.
What did the homeless yoga instructor say when he was told to leave his camp site? Namaste.
Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making ? Dad: Why is that what are you making ? Pupil: Mistakes !
Why is North Korea so polluted? They have supreme litter.
What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
I have this wart. I didn't like it at first, but it grew on me.
5: "I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads." Me: "I'll have whatever that kid's having."
What does Donald Trump say when he's mad? There'll be hell toupee!
A magician is driving down a road... and turns into a driveway.
Me: What are you up to? Her: I'm making Chinese. Me: Cloning's unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today I told him that was the last thing I needed.
What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weasily recognised and a stoat is stoatally different!
Since my girlfriend discovered out the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis she doesn't have to type words anymore.
A dog runs for senator... He has no previous experience in pawlitics
Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I'm going to mentally leave my body.
[NSFW] What does a vagina and the weather have in common? When its wet its time to go inside
What did the shower say to the toilet? "You may get more ass than I do, but look at all the shit you have to take".
Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself new clothes. They smell a little bit but at least they're free.
So I organized a threesome last night.... There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.
Don't compare whales to feminists... It's very offensive to whales
I before E, except after C, or when sounding like A in words like neighbor and weigh. **Weird...**
A man is asked why he can't see the Fifty Shades of Gray movie... He replies, "I'm color blind and can only see 36 of them."
What do George Michael and Carrie Fisher have in common? Both their first names have six letters. That's it. For now. Edit: they're both dead.
Me: Dad, am I adopted? Dad: Shit, like I'd have picked you?
Things I know I cannot do but still try to: 1. Cartwheel 2. Hit the high note 3. Move things with my mind 4. Eat 'just one' 5. Be Cool
I just downloaded more RAM... ...but I still can't play No Man's Sky.
Stephen Harper lost the Canadian election. He was given aboot.
Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.
Why are native americans the best strippers? Because when they dance they make it rain.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?... None, they can't change anything.
A good way to force people to feel whatever you're feeling is to hum in public
In my local park there are three holes in the ground... Well, well, well.
What did the two vaginas say to the butthole? "Don't hate us if you anus."
Where do they make satis? In a satisfactory
The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur. -George.W.Bush
What does a toddler get drunk off of? Jack Danimals!
Have you guys heard about the corduroy pillows? There making head lines. (classic) Edit: goddammit...they're
A priest, a homosexual, and a paedophile walk into a bar...... And then a second guy walks in
Dear readers of reddit, What is the best insult/comeback you've ever thrown down?
What did Oprah say when she visited Harlem? "YOU get a father, and YOU get a father, and YOU get a father! Everybody gets a father!!!
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring". So I bought her nothing.
I had an odd-job man in to help me do some work around the house. I gave him a list of 10 things to do. He only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
Why did Simba's dad die in a stampede? Because he didn't Moofassa enough! Edit: general consensus was to add "enough"
If retards are supposed to be so stupid how come I have never seen one smoking?
I hate people who talk about me behind my back... They discussed me.
Where do Angelfish swim? The Holy See
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is sick bird.
International Women's Day That's the joke
My friend wants a fairy tale wedding, so I'm going to poison her. I hope that's what she meant.
Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo?"    He was studying foreign languages.
I masturbated so good last night That i woke up to find my dick making breakfast
So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
"Titanic." "What??" &amp;nbsp; "Sorry, that wasn't a very good icebreaker."
Why was the guy from 127 Hours arrested for espionage? He was proven guilty of providing arms to Iraq
What is a pirates favorite letter? Most say the letter 'R' But a pirates first love is the mighty 'C' By the mighty 'C' I mean the clitoris YARRRRHHHHHhhh.....
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
You know the 'Done' button you press to exit a video? How come it only sounds judgy and sarcastic after I've finished jacking off?
Do you want to hear a short joke? Never mind, it'd probably go right over your head anyway.
"hello 9-1-1 whats your emergency?" hi yes it's me again i left the house 3 min ago but just realized i forgot my headphones
Her: I'm just a vintage soul Me: and a vintage face.. That's how the fight started
What do you call a bear that is missing all of its teeth?? A Gummy Bear!
Why do ghosts carry tissues? Because they have BOOOOgers.
Two tectonic plates are having a heated argument... They seem to have diverging opinions.
Why didn't Edward leave his house? Because he was Snowden.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...and so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Write a quickly escalating inappropriate joke
I am in prison for something I didn't do I didn't pay my taxes
What did the mexican say when two houses fell on him? Get off me, homes!
Which is the smallest pub in the world? The Thalidomide Arms.
When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn't it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?
Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.
Tip for twitter newbies: Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century. It was a period piece
I want to be part of the 27 club I'm just DYING to get in.
Donald Trump and I agree on one thing. We both would like to bang his daughter.
Why do cannibals prefer to eat blind people? Because with one sense gone they taste really good. Sorry, that was wrong... they taste really well.
I spilled spot remover on my dog Now he's gone.
I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me. It keeps me on my toes.
What kind of batteries do stuttering Canadians use? Triple Eh's.
Who's going to lose the upcoming election? Society.
Anne Frank's famous last words. Brb, door
I'm tired of women touching and playing with it but no one wants to blow it. Damn vuvuzelas!
Black Betty walked into a butcher shop and asked for beef. The butcher replied, "No Black Betty, Ham or Lamb?"
I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle... ..it became herby.
Sociology homework. I need to compile ten jokes. 5 from females, 5 from males. Could I please get jokes, as well as genders?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts
You know, I love the ocean I think in a past life I was a semen
I don't get this joke. Can someone explain it to me? My sister's fiance is so short that he has trouble playing computer games. The only way he can reach the keyboard is if he lies flat on the ground.
What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper
Why are assholes always more successful than you? Because they make shit happen.
Whenever someone well known dies, social networks turn into an online obituary. #DontActLikeYouCare,  @MaleHonesty86
I've tried all week long and still haven't been able to teach this baby how to Dougie. Does anyone know the return policy in these things?
I thought the author of Harry Potter was a guy. J.K.
Back in my day, Nintendo Wii meant you peed your pants because you wouldn't move for hours playing Super Mario Bros.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.
Why did the hipster burn its tongue? Beacuse he drank the coffee before it was Cool
What's a paralympian's worst nightmare? Testing positive for WD-40
James calls a doc for help... Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now. Doctor: Is this her first child? James: Nope. It's her husband!
Just thought of one: Why is an abortionist good to have on your team? If you conceive something, they can execute it.
Relationship Status: Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board. I can't even get lucky in the spirit world.
Lesbian Couple A girl asked me what my view on lesbian couples was. Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
What is a pirates favorite letter? You think it'd be R, but his true love is the C.
It's such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV.
A man shows up to his psychiatrist completely naked but covered with saran wrap... Psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
My girlfriend had a sexual fantasy to roleplay as a 14 year old in bed. I think it's pretty gross. Besides, she'll be 14 in 2 years anyway.
Why are ships' portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
My buddy used to say "why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I'm the cleanest thing in the room." He's still single.
Oh no! Playstation and Xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U.
What's white, big and could kill you if it fell out of a tree? A fridge.
[wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopuss.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
What is the fastest way to lose pounds? Leave EU.
I had small wookiee steak for dinner... ...it was a little chewie.
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today. It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.
There's an entire group of white people who believe the most cultured thing you can do is decorate your home with weird Asian themed stuff.
My wife is so sweet Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.
I like my women like I like my wine.... Nine years old and locked in my basement.
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts!
Breakdown of time spent cleaning my office: 5% Cleaning 95% Studying long forgotten artifacts of my past
My wife and I do it doggy-style... ...she plays dead and I beg. -Dan Chopin
One of those trendy avant chefs offered to cook me whale today. I said, please don't... That would make me blubber!
If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card ...I'd have $0.77 cents.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you're ugly and you sweat a lot
What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on? It twerked.
Reason why I'm single... Because it's impossible to be double.
I have a rape joke. Never mind, it's a bit forced.
[me trying to do magic] Is this your card? "No" Is THIS your card? "Not even close" What about THIS? "Trent thats literally a piece of ham"
If TV has taught us anything, it's not to get on a boat with a man we have just started dating, for it is there that he will murder us
Knock Knock Batman: Who's there? Alfred: Not your parents. :D
I don't like Fahrenheit. I don't like Celsius. I don't like Kelvin. I prefer to measure my degrees in Radians.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop Son: Why [nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower] Me: He's a racist
"How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?" *I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
How Did I Make It To The Middle East? Iran there.
How do you keep a redditor wait I'll post the answer tomorrow
My haircuts are just like my sex life Usually do it myself and there's a big mess I hate cleaning up afterwards.
Not sure why, but even when I shower alone, I still get a little nervous when I drop the soap.
Why did batman leave church? Because Christian Baled
Why did the Muslim cross the road? To get to the bigger crowd
Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for... During a practice run he caused negative results. Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.
I thought I would be proud of sealing all the Christmas cards myself But the whole ordeal just left me with a bad taste in my mouth.
Sometimes I'll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I'm doing, I'll say, "Pretend stoplight."
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
God: "At least I didn't get FAT." Buddha: "At least I didn't get CRUCIFIED."
I was playing guitar  then my 2 year old took my guitar pick and dropped it somewhere. "Where is my pick," I said. He replied "Oink Oink! " I repeated the question but got the same answer every time.
I lost my mood ring earlier today... I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Tripler's Dating Tips 20/50: hide a tape recorder in your pocket with a laugh track on it and press play after every single thing you say
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She was not wearing a seatbelt...
What is the difference between a toad and a horny toad? A toad says rib-it, rib-it. A horny toad says rub-it, rub-it.
Lost your keys? Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
What do you get when you cross a Jew? Christianity.
I have three jokes. Trump, his opinions, and his political career.
What do you call a little Mexican child? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.
Sometimes I'll take such a good picture of someone I'm like "this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral."
A man walks up to his friend and asks him what he is doing... The man replies: I'm donating this chair to CHAIRity.
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
Scientists have successfully grown vocal chords in a petri dish The results speak for themselves.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I'm going to win it.
How do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk? When it's past your eyes.
What do a prostitute and a plumber have in common? They both service the john.
My idea of Hell would be Ben Affleck reading me a sushi menu in his "Boston guy" voice.
I'd love a video montage of every single time I've walked into a room and forgotten why I'm in there.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I was having sex with a female amputee in the dark I trying to figure out why my ass hurt, but she had me stumped.
I will be watching Santa's journey on Norad's website very carefully this year. If he goes to West Africa before coming to the UK, I'm bricking the chimney up.
I once thought about write a book, but quit before I even started. It was a novel idea.
where does a one legged waitress work? I-HOP
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed one fell off & bumped his head called the doctor & the doctor said U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
A man got a car for his wife Now, thats what you call a good trade.
When I got my new job, my boss said I could name my salary But he said "paltry" and " inadequate" were already taken.
Why did the noodle hide from the other noodles? Because he was Alfredo pasta!
Chuck Norris graduated Summa Cum Laude at Harvard after only 1 class.
It's important even when you're really busy to stop and make time to notice how bad everything is.
I met Lance Armstrong after a party Me: So, Lance, how was the party? Lance (Pensively glancing at the whisky): I had a ball.
Did you know Robert E. Lee was an honor student in high school? He was also voted most likely to secede.
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
Joke Challenge! Who can make the best joke using the spelling similarities between "papist" and "rapist"? NSFW of course OK.
Why did the fork go to the party? It wanted to have a good tine.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a pedophile and 6 has children.
After giving up crack, I've been sniffing brake fluid for months. It's okay - I can stop anytime I want.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroking Off!
COWORKER: I'm going to my friend's lake house this weekend for a party. ME: *lying* I also have friends.
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA!
I love that we're a nation of diversity: a black president, a white vice president, and an orange speaker of the house. #SOTU
Q: How does Hitler tie his shoes? A: With little Nazis.
Pros don't ever use the Tip.
I work at an investment firm We got a new CIO to head up the Agriculture/Farm investment team. He reports to the EIEIO.
Somebody told me to stop singing "Wonderwall." I said maybe
Do you like fishsticks? yeah? LIKE IN THE MOUTH? THEN YOU'RE A GAY FISH
I only like 70 things.. One is alcohol. Another is 69.
Just once I'd like to see an Expected Server Error, as if to say "Yup! We knew this was coming. Sucks for you!"
Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.
When is bingo harmless? When its B9!
A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff... *Baah Dum Tssssss*
I texted and drive sometimes I guess we all do stupid things when we're drunk
When your friend offers you free food, all trust is gone out the window!!! The fuck did you do to it? Nothing, I swear! Okay I'll take a fucking bite.
Why do dogs wag their tails ? "Because no one else will do it for them !"
[hospital] SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened? DAD: The oying hit me SON: What's an oying? DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*
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Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you're not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh- *quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
As seen on a masonry truck Cement shop robbed, police investigators find no concrete evidence
Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.
What kinds of guns do T-Rex's prefer? ...mainly SMALL ARMS.
3 tomatoes are walking down the street A dad tomato, a mom tomato and a child tomato. The child starts to lag behind so, the dad walks back to him and squashes him and says "ketchup"
When I found out that my girlfriend was a vegan... I pretended I'd never met herbivore.
I'm surprised Microsoft didn't resurrect Bing Crosby to counter Google's ad.
I bought a push up bra today... It didn't work, I can still only do 2...
What's someone who hates underwear's favorite song? Free Ballin - Foo Fighters
Hear about the lazy baker who wanted a pay increase? He rarely kneeded the dough.
Little kids will love this one .... promise ... How high does a frog stand in the water? Knee-deep.
"I came, I added lettuce, I conquered" -Julius Caesar Salad
Sorry I started singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the accountability meeting, but you said "easy come, easy go" so I just ran with it..
I heard Monica lewinsky voted for Trump Just to fuck a Clinton one more time
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts cost $2.00, but deer nuts are under a buck!
A barber, a hairdresser, and bigfoot walk into a bar... You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
Best way to make people remember you ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Borrow money from them.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Billy Mays so good He once sold pain to Chuck Norris.
What do you call a clingy, moody scientist? A dependent variable
Why do terrorists hate wine? Because there are too many zinfandel's.
I'm sorry sir, your wife didn't make it. Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook? Yes sir, I'm afraid it was.
To those that say I'm Cancer I'm not Cancer, I'm Aquarius!
Paid a homeless guy $1 for this: What's a pirate's favorite letter? (They will always say "arrrrrrhh.") Nope, P, it's like arrrrrrhh without a leg.
"Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?" "Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first...filter."
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
What do you call a bottle of glue in a spy's pocket? A bonding agent.
Why did the Senator get on Viagara? He wanted to achieve erection reform.
Why was Darth Vader so upset? He was looking for the Rebels in Aldeerwrong places...
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received 1000 of replies, all reading: "You can have mine." Free delivery also available at your door step
Why is "jizz" such a great word? Because of how nicely it rolls off your tongue
Have you seen the new fishing website? No it's not online yet.
There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.
Did you hear about the blind porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
You remind me of my little toe Why because I'm so cute and tiny? No, I will probably get drunk later and bang you the coffee table.
The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don't like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.
When you write lyrics as bad as "I got soul but I'm not a soldier" it's important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
"Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs." "Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?" "That's cool."
Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce self.Jokes
That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we're flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.
I'm acutely dyslexic and often forget my route home. AMA! Sorry, wrong bus!
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
This is no place for memorials, petitions, or any of that emotional shit.
I'm the Babe Ruth of the toilet I always get the runs
"I got expelled" How? "I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard" Ok that's dumb but- "So my prof told me to go back up there..." Oh no "and rub 1 out"
Why don't Germans tell jokes about sausage? Because they are the wurst.
Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game :D
Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son? Son: I smoked weed, dad Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot
Who ever taught Storm Troopers how to shoot also must have taught white golfers how to high five each other.
Why did the guitarist go to jail? For fingering a minor
I've tried every drug but crack. Who you callin' buttcrack, asshole?!?!
Particles make up everything! Fucking liars.
Imagine a buffet for the Gods... there's food for Thor.
Asked a friend if the hotel in town was hiring. "I don't know, I bet you could check into it, though."
I like to make my websites with Ajax Because that way my designs always come out very clean.
What's a blind mans worst fear ? A prius
A neutrino walks into a bar... and no fucks were given.
If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
A horse walks into a bar... And being a horse, and incapable of speech, he poops on the floor and walks out.
My name is Nate. My dyslexic friend told me he likes it, he thinks it's neat.
Q: If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win? A: The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.
People who like trance music are very persistent They don't techno for an answer.
In or On ? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
It's saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Whenever there is trouble, Justice League cums in a... Flash
In middle school chuck Norris was assigned an essay about what courage was. He got an A+ by turning in a blank sheet of paper with his name on it.
How many bees are there in the world? A buzzillion.
Freddy from scooby doo was a candidate for mayor of L.A in the 90s He ran on splitting up gangs.
If we weren't able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
You're supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.
Happy World Alzheimer's Day! Or was it yesterday??
On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky ...how much do you love your children?
How many ADD's does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go fishing
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up. Britches love stitches.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Just found out that my sexy new girlfriend stays in shape by playing football. She's a keeper.
A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
Me: I'm ghosting him. Her: You stopped talking to him? Me: No, I'm showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Being in love is like peeing your pants: everybody sees it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Did you hear about Joseph Stalin's personal yacht? They say it was a huge dictator-ship.
I don't know why people are afraid of flying Most crashes happen at ground level
I have a joke about minidisc... ...but it's a little CD.
I was going to tell a joke about amnesia But for the life of me, I can't seem to remember it!
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for indecent jurisprudence? He got off on a technicality.
What did the farmer say when someone pooped into his water source? Well shit...
So I'm about to have a unilateral orchiectomy (true story)... and I say to the urologist surgeon, "I guess the ball's in your court now"
"Dad, I don't feel good." "Do you want to go see the doctor?" "Yeah." "Are you gonna throw up?" "Maybe." "OK. We'll take your mom's car."
And the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" A tachyon walks into a bar.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves "we should put him back together"
How do mermaids give birth? Via Sea-Section
Riddle: What has wings but can't fly, legs but can't walk, and a mouth but can't speak? A dead bird
Two deer walk out of a bar. One turns to the other in disgust and says, "I can't believe you blew 20 bucks in there."
Twice the cold doth striketh A dog, a ski cabin, and a leather jacket walk into the electric cloud being and merge into the one true demongod.
"I'd hit that." Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.
Farting in an elevator is.... WRONG.....on so many levels.....
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus. Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
One for the science guys: Q) How do you make a hormone? A) Don't pay her!
I was about to make a joke about illegal immigrants But that would be crossing the borders
Hot Pringles in your area want you to jam your whole fist in their cans.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening
Did you hear about the housing prices in Baltimore? I hear they're a riot!
I would like to thank the kind stranger I met on the bus this morning for teaching me the meaning of the word 'abundance'. It means a lot.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room? Sushi
I fucked a retarded chick last night. I wanted the first time to be special.
I wasn't sure about the idea of a beard at first But its growing on me.
A Mexican , a black guy , an arab and A Jew Jump out of a plane....who wins? Society
What do you call a thug Australian mammal? a gang-aroo
How did the shellfish win the underwater beauty pageant? Using saxitoxin.
You know you're diplomatic when... you can tell someone to go to hell in a way that makes them look forward to the trip.
Every time you enter a room, you should say "Smells like farts in here." This way when you fart later, they'll never suspect you.
Why do feminists hate the post the USPS? Cause it's an all mail business.
3 men were on a boat.. And all they had were 4 cigarettes. Unsure on what to do, one of them throws a cigarette overboard. Now the boat was a cigarette lighter.
What's the difference between Ireland and America? When we say waterboarding in Ireland it means surfing.
What's the difference between the bird flu and the the swine flu? For bird flu you need tweetment, for swine flu you need oinkment.
why the animale go to the store? "chill" with friends
I never learnt the meaning of the word truancy... ...I wasn't at school that day.
guy at seaworld: "it's a cross between an eel and a shark, we're asking everyone to pick a name for him" wife: "steve" me: "sharkeel o'neal"
I'm most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it's stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it'd be a chicken sedan.
If I was a squirrel I'd chuck my nuts in your hole!
What type of car does a ghost drive? A BOOick.
I hate to tell patients that they've become physically mute... They're always speechless.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do? You go home because it's your favorite one being used Math is easy
What do you call a SWAT team with Snoop Dogg? A Blunt force
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we've always suspected.
Sometimes, eating is very similar to driving. You trust stale greens
Did you hear about the iguana that couldn't change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction.
Have you been to Iran? I don't think you should go, I don't think they like joggers.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" Says the first. "Moo!" says the second
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter's little "boyfriend" needs to know about me is I ain't afraid to go back to prison.
White people sure do love generalizations.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job? Because he had a crack addiction.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.
[1st date] HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it? ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.
What kind of doctor never leaves the hospital? An Oncologist
When is the best time to make jokes? When you are ill, because they are sick
I know a lot about jokes about unemployed people But they never work
My anniversary is coming up Friday is my anniversary, I'll have been married for 35 years. Really it only 5 years, but I count in dog years because my wife is such a bitch.
There was once a Roman who ate his girlfriend. He was gladiator.
The Bartender says, "This bar is for fortune tellers only." Two skeptics walk into a bar.
I was datin' this girl from Eaton or was it eating this girl from Dayton?
One-Liner: Jobs growth in the United States is now down to just hair and fingernails.
You know youre getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
How do you keep someone in suspense? I'll tell you later.
People without kids who give other people's kids messy or annoying toys.. Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
me: siri tell me a joke siri: *turns on front facing camera*
What do you call an atheist bone? A blasfemur.
I want to be a "cool" uncle, so I let my nephew play with all the things I wasn't allowed to when I was his age. Mostly knives and bleach.
Facebook has really revolutionized how quickly we find out friends from high school gave up on their dreams.
I was invited to a party... The dress code said "black tie only". But when I got there, I noticed other people had worn shirts and trousers too
My way or the highway. It takes two to tango. What I'm saying is, "welcome to idiom club". Now, let's cut to the chase.
I don't like my new hair cut... But it's growing on me.
How has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn? China probably can pop corn in one minute.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
Damn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up
What do you call a prosthetic used in exchage for your missing leg. A stubstitute
I met a girl who said she liked Imagine Dragons. I asked her if she could Imagine Dragon these nuts across her chin.
In my spare time, I help blind kids I mean the verb, not the adjective
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple only comes on your face after puberty.
So I looked this up on Yahoo... Just kidding, I used Google.
Pooh: There's a rumbly in my tumbly Piglet: What? Pooh: There's. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly Piglet: Pooh: I'm hungry Piglet: Say that then
What kind of snake is it good to have on a car? Windshield vipers.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match. Me: When can you operate? *lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Recording on an Australian tax help line If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Q: How do you know if a blonde  has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Why was the wildlife reserve worker weeping next to poached rhino? He liked his rhinos sunny side up.
You're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn't finished.
Why do women like to be on top during sex? Because they're over cum with joy.
"I don't need any love from any man. I only need to love and be loved by ONE man. He is the Son of God,  JESUS!".......just say u have been dumped.
How does a witch tell time? With a witchwatch.
How did Jesus get so ripped? He does crossfit.
My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!" I said, "I am if you think about it."
I just bought shoes from a drug dealer... ... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What do you call an ant sized villain? The *ant*agonist.
EA cut so many corners with the Sims 4 that they made a circle.
I'm reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in. Casualties have been immense... & delicious
Just bought Cluedo: Gang Rape edition. Turns out they all did it.
Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in, Robin.
Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle? In case of any night mares!
[does his regular grocery shopping] Cashier: having a kid's birthday party? Me: ...................yes.
There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a "unicorn"
A guy asks his girlfriend make him feel awesome and sad at the same time Girlfriend: Out of all your friends you have the biggest penis
I really liked the movie, Inception. It's so fast paced and keeps moving forward. Except for Mal, she keeps coming back.
I don't understand men who can pull off facial hair why don't they just use a razor?
I bought a book on how to build stairs Its a step by step guide
GARY: "You wanna?" BARRY: "Ugh. Jesus OK." (Siamese twins deciding to masturbate)
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A Hippo weighs 700lbs but a Zippos a little lighter
Does anyone know where concentrate is? I've been drinking lovely orange juice from there for years now..
A man asked Hitler " Would you kill a jew for 8 pieces of gold? " Hitler said : Nein.
Intellectual Joke Helium walks into a bar, The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gases in here." Helium doesn't react.
Why does Thor have insomnia? He's up all night to get Loki.
I was walking my dog when a man approached me. He said, "My car's just broken down. Could you give me a push?" "Of course," I said. Then he fell into the bush.
Cop: do you know why I was following you? Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me? Cop:haha Me:haha Cop... Me... Is it cause of the drugs?
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey
Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country... ...then goes and enters another country through the back door? Very mixed messages from Russia.
My dog got hit by a train today & we found out my brother didn't make parole. Talk about a case of the Mondays!!
What is the one thing you don't want to hear during sex? Honey, I'm home!
I wouldn't let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT'S NOT NORMAL!
I once walked out of a movie because the actor's fake typing was so bad.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I've just had to take the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide alarm The loud beeping was giving me a headache and I was starting to feel sick and dizzy
The teacher asked the class if everyone got the syllabus. Jimmy raised his hand and said, "No, I took the boring short bus to school."
What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080p
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells? She grew out of her B-shells.
What do you get when you watch 'Cinderella' backwards? A woman in her place...
Someone called my call center today to tell a joke I don't think I've ever heard: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite
Satan: And this is the TV room. Me: This isn't so bad. *turns on TV* *only thing showing is golf*
A guy from Michigan dies and wake up in Hell. "At least I'm still in Michigan."
I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
What is Tiger Woods favorite course? The intercourse.
"The actor who plays the villain in No Country For old Men was causing trouble in my bar last night." "Javier Bardem?" "No, but I will if he does it again."
Why are gold fish orange ? The water makes them rusty !
Martin Shkreli's life
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable ? The wheelchair
[laser tag] Instructor: Dude, you're not gonna run out of ammo Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let's just agree to disagree
Justin Bieber is still truly Canadian at heart... His most popular song is called "Sorry".
I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer. Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*sees a spider* I'm going to kill him *turn around to get a shoe* *turns back around and spider has 8 shoes* Alright, let's be cool here
Wife: Is Mexican food ok for dinner? Don't just text back k. Husband: Que
Why did the numbers 25, 36, and 49 go to the dentist? For a square root canal
My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said "WTF man, it's 2015. You can use whatever printer you want."
I was gonna tell a priest joke... But it would probably rub some kids the wrong way.
The final death of 2016.... Mariah Carey's live performance career
"Wanna hear a joke about being shot by the police?" "No thanks, I get depressed by black humour." Maybe I should cross-post this to /r/ImGoingToHellForThis
How do you know if someone is half texan and half Canadian? It rhymes when they say. "Keep at eye out for a coyote."
Does anyone know which homeless shelters provide wifi?
Hitler wasn't that bad. C'mon, he killed Hitler.
Sochi Nobody's going to be Rushin there.
I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.
A man walks into an Apple store... ..and lets out a huge fart. Within seconds, everyone in the entire store leaves. Why? -- Because there are no Windows
Why do canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game
What's Bill Clinton's favorite instrument to play? His whore Monica.
What do I do when my luggage gets tired? I rest my case.
Just a reminder not to wear white after Labor Day and not to be black around cops.
Sex is like Pizza I haven't had any in a while.
ME: my son ran away COP: we won't rest until we find him ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Too many kids don't know what it's like to enjoy a book the old-fashioned way (watching the movie version on VHS the night before a test).
What's a priest on an egg called? A brother
Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me: "OH NO THIS COP HAS AMNESIA!!!"
I can't believe I got fired from my job at the DNA testing facility. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I put in.
Which athletes will not get Zika at Rio 2016? Those on Team Great Britain, because they'll leave.
What do you call an NBA Superstar who's first job was stocking milk? *Legen-dairy*
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian  problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
What does a feminist use as a contraceptive? Her personality
Why Latvian man did cross road? Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.
Me:Come in. It's not like I'm a serial killer. Him:*laughs nervously* Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Instead of murder/suicide, I'm contemplating the rare suicide/murder, whereby I jump out a high window and land on my girlfriend.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation* "Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there." *wipes tear* "But they didn't want to come."
The waiting list for the WiiU.... Just got shorter in Conneticut
It's the day after my birthday and I feel like an idiot. Probably because I was born yesterday.
Why was the horse kicked out of the country western bar? He was a homosexual.
Capitalization is important... It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
"Drop it like it's hot," is my favorite song about dropping stuff that's hot.
I lost 25 pounds. Just want to say I lost 25 pounds and I'm proud of myself. The last time I was betting on horses I lost  100,-.
If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it... does is lay on the ground, or lie?
"I high fived a shark, and then we ate burritos." - Martin Luther King Jr.'s other dream.
FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Jenner is a hero, and quite frankly saved some lives Had I not replaced the Jenner in my truck last week I wouldnt have been able to shift into neutral when my accelerator stuck today.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant. Me: A transplant? Dr: Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried. Me:
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I've been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard... Put him in the backyard
Life is like a box of chocolates... It doesn't last long for fat people.
3 mods walk into a bar [deleted]
Buy a man a fish, and feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish... And he has to buy a fishing pole, tackle, fishing line, and acquire a fishing licence.
October 10th was such a great day 10/10
I'm stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying "utilize" and "leverage" and I'm wondering if I should tell him about the word "use".
Huh, this is a first Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before They must know
What did one black guy say to another black guy? We're both black guys.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful.
What do cholos and female drivers have in common? When you see them rolling, you best be off the sidewalks...
/r/Jokes is broken
You thought the co-workers on your floor are happy That guy coming out of the elevator is on a whole other level
[2 years after going missing at zoo] wife: [points at TV] "omg thats him" me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] "why is noone helping me"
My doctor told me I am colorblind. I had no idea! It came right out of the green
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WatAHHH!!
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive!
A robot walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots!" Robot says, "Oh, but someday you will."
What's the difference between Santa and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney
A man runs into a bar... A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?" "About two foot sir" replies the bartender "Shit. I've just run over a nun."
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove!
England football team are great at holding on in extra time.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. jk, rolling.
I got my bucket list mixed up with my shopping list Swam with dolphin-safe tuna.
A blind guy walks into a bar *thud*
How long is a Chinaman? How long IS a chinaman
The parking spot on Richard III's grave was restricted... Only two-door cars were allowed.
If Usain Bolt was an electrician... His name would be Usain Volt
My cheating Ex-girlfriend just got fired for drinking on the job. She worked at the sperm bank.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? a-CAW!
What did the Giant say to the cripple? Hodor. Hodor! Hodor!
How do you know whether or not a redditor is Australian? They'll tell you.
Someone came up to me and stole my candle I was incensed!
My nickname is Gilette because I'm the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
What's the difference between a nun, and a prostitute in a bathtub? The nun has hope in her soul.
I heard there's a machine that can make cocaine in less than 4 milliseconds! I believe it's called the Instagram.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one... He's never gonna give you Up.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopuss
Di you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel peace prize? He was outstanding in his field
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
What are parents that you can see through? Transparents
Sharks don't sleep so I'm pretending I'm a shark except one that sings along with Lady Gaga. I'm Lady Sharkshark! Anyway, totally drunk.
I feel like I'm not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don't cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I think all the women who don't get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.
Well ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again.
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear
I'm going to bed tonight at a reasonable hour so I can be extremely obnoxious at an unreasonable hour tomorrow.
So a man comes into a bar... No, wait... It was a horse. So a horse comes into a man.
What is green and white, throws pig skin, and is the worst team in the NFL? The Jets.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn't this a thing yet.
*turns on deep-fryer* *tosses in chicken nuggets* *adds chamomile and lavender* *recites from the Book of Shadows* Voila, Wiccan Nuggets
I will punch you in the face. OK not really - but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
What did the old zombie dog say when she got a birthday bone? *My hip!*
How many Jews can you fit in a car? Depends how big the ash tray is.
Did some1 really think naming a restaurant Pizza HUT was a good idea? "We want a name that communicates quality food & 3rd world housing!"
broken leg I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said to quit going to those places.
Dating is hard because guys are like "You're hot, can we do butt stuff yet?" and girls are like "It's been 3 days, where's my ring?"
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What's a terrorist's favorite game? Jenga
No, sweetie. You can't see the moon with vernaculars.
Bay: come over Me: no, I'm watching TMNT Bay: I made one too Me: but it's awful Bay: come watch it Me: who gave you my number, Michael
You're fat. Fatty.
What do you call a gay avatar? A bender.
I found out why amphibious cars never caught on. They were always getting toad.
I scream, you scream, we all scream because we just witnessed a horrific highway wreck with multiple fatalities.
What keyboard layout does Miley Cyrus use? TWERQY.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You're really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
What came first...? Kid Flash or Flash's Dick?
Nothing will get this Billy Joel song out of my head. At this point, I'm praying for a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.
Karma is like 69. You get what you give.
Patient: Doctor every night i see ants playing football Doctor: It's okay take these pills Patient: No way tomorrow is the final
Why are Santa's balls so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because you wore the wrong sock.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
r/Jokes, what are your best colour blindness jokes?
Why do white girls walk in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
What type of music do they listen to in the Czech Republic? Prague Rock.
"You're bleeding because you don't floss" Me: No, I'm bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green? A skunk rolling down a hill with a pickle in its mouth.
I bought the worst thesaurus the other day. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
My hands got into an argument last night One was right and the other left
Why did hitlers aircraft preform so badly after the invasion of russia? because they were stalin'
I'm like Global Warming... No one takes me seriously.
Why is life like a penis? Because Women make it hard!
My friend bored me when talking about Latin... they had discussed it ad nauseam.
What did the egg say at the party? Omelet
Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
I heard that the factories in China will be close until the next GOP president. A liberal joke
At least my mother died doing what she loved... Committing suicide
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you're part of the problem And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Oral sex makes your day but... Anal makes your whole week
I used to play teeball... I stopped playing after I struck out
How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bear minimum
I met a pirate the other day, whose parrot was saying, "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!" I said, "Shouldn't that be pieces of eight?" The pirate replied, "Arrrrr, it's a parroty error."
When does CPR become necrophilia?
They found horse meat in food in the U.K. ... ... and horse piss in the beer in the U.S.
/r/jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award! for 95.001% recycled content.
Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.
Why did the blind man cross the road? Cuz he couldn't see it (Probly already posted but I've never seen it on r/jokes before)
small joke truth or dare dare order us pizza
Arnold Schwarzenegger and windows 10 Just after windows 10 was released, Arnold was asked if he was ever going to upgrade to windows 10. His response? 'I still love Vista, baby.'
My girlfriend is like my bank account Only there for the money
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean. It said, "Please refill and return to sender." Now I wait.
There was an infantry man that rode horses for over 50 years. What was his name? Major Bumsore
Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, "Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood."
I'm half-French and half-American, but I know my heart is American, do you know why? Because if it were French it would stop working!
A cop, a hooker, a priest and a clown...... A cop, a hooker, a priest and a clown walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and replies, "What.......is this some kind of Joke?"
What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't? I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it would be R, but they really love the C.
My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh ... ... and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.
What is Hitlers favorite juice shop? Jamba Jews
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.
What do you call.. What do you call toothless bear. A gummy bear!
"Ohhh, that's what you meant by period sex" I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
People keep getting mad when I say I'm a God.... ... They all say I have a me complex
How about a meat that is also a dental floss?  Pitch for prosciutto
If a cannibal ate a comedian... ...that could lead to some funny shit
What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes? Nothing.
Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 gender options to choose from And it's now easier than ever to avoid matching with the mentally unstable
What do you call a political pig? A boar.
Paradox Corporation just opened. They're doing everything they can to go out of business.
The recipe said "prick with a fork," but enough about me.
Yes Pony Express? I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn't get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer? Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.
What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent? Rice Paddy. - Edit: Credit goes to my nickname from some clever fucker classmate when I was a kid.
"So where are you from?" - I'm a Liberian "Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?"
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk? A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!
I'm surprised God doesn't make Christian Rock Bands sound better.
Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator. She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[Amphibian Playground] BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog! TEACHER SNAKE: i'll handle this *eats everyone*
I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings. You could say I have a complex complex complex.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.
What's the richest kind of air? A millionaire.
In pretty sure my wife's most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Microwaves don't need to give warning beeps after cooking the food - the last thing I'm going to do is forget I just made pizza rolls.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, a feather off a hawk and the blood of a unicorn.
How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating? If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.
I was so close to a threesome last night... I was only missing 2 people
I always make sure to buy high quality toilet paper... If you get the cheap stuff, you'll pay for it in the end.
Q: What's blue and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket in disguise.
What is a terrorists favourite dessert? Ice is
What does a blonde owl say? Why!
Wife: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS? Husband: ? *Wife storms out room* Husband: Happy Valsenbirthery?!
What do you call a rabbit roaming with a pack of lions? One bad ass rabbit.
What do you say to a man with no body and no nose? No body nose.
"I'm tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night When I thought.. "Hang on a fuckin' minute"
In park people come across man playing chess with dog They are of surprise and say "What clever dog!" But man say: "No, no, he isn't so clever. I am lead by three game to one!"
Indian restaurants make most of their money off of the bread.. They're naan-profit organizations.
"COME ON! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE HOURS AGO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SHOWERED?" Noah yelled, waiting for the sloths to get on the Ark
Why is the letter "t" so important to a stick insect? Without it would be a sick insect.
I picked up a girl at a bar. She told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... So I screwed her three times and hit her with a brick.
I killed someone with kindness today. Blood EVERYWHERE.
Sucks how Caesar died... ...Who knew he was allergic to knives?!
Why was the black man arrested? Good question.
I asked my friend how she liked her first Brazilian wax... She told me it was a complete rip-off.
How Many Muslim Women Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb? Silly, Muslim Women aren't allowed to screw in light bulbs.
When I die, I want my ashes scattered in front of the TV.
Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino  \\()/ 
 You're born.  You grow up.  You believe in Santa.  You stop believing in Santa.  You look like Santa.  You are Santa.  You die.
Clerk Kent is in fact Superman... So my mom tells me stop hanging with your friends who are always drunk! They are not a good company! How should i tell her that... "Clark Kent is in fact Superman"
I used to piss my pants in front of my 3rd grade class.... And it cost me my entire teaching career..
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says 'responsibilities' on it. for symbolism
I swapped my wife's parachute around with her backpack. Now when the bitch goes on her stupid camping holiday, all she will have is a parachute. *copypaste from sickipedia.org*
If you're walking on sunshine, please adjust your dosage accordingly.
Why was 10 traumatized? Because it was in the middle of 9/11
I became a vegetarian  switched to weed.
I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.
A man sees a small boy begging for money He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan. The boy asks "what gave me away?" The man responds "your parents"
Why are cows always broke? The farmers milk them dry.
Where do all the orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms
There's nothing funny about vagina jokes Period.
What sound does a shotgun make? Cobain Cobain
What's got no teeth and smells? The gearbox in the wife's car...
Don't let the door hit you on the way out! *guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Someone asked me to write a sad story in 3 words today I just replied "Trump or Hilary"
most recent posts on this sub Knock knock Who's there? /r/jokes /r/jokes who? Hahahahahaha!!!! it's an inside joke
After his wedding, Chuck Norris sent "You're Welcome" cards to all of his guests.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?  Chill-dren.
Two condoms walk by a gay bar... One says to the other, "Wanna go inside and get shitfaced?"
*sees old person* why don't u just die already *sees young person* u think u know shit... but u don't *sees middle-aged person* fuck u, pal
How do you pick up a feminist? Like a bowling ball.
Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table? Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?
Some people say Ketamine is just for animals... They need to get off their high horses.
Why can't Abraham Lincoln be convicted for murder? Because he's in a cent.
I can't make Casey Anthony jokes. My mom would kill me...
What do you get when you cross a rhino with an elephant? Hell-if-i-know (my grandma's favorite joke)
did you hear Oxygen and Magnesium got together **OMg** All I knew, till last week Oxygen was dating Potassium But they said it was just **OK**
What sound does a banambulance make? Naner naner naner
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Monster: Where do fleas go in winter?  Werewolf: Search me!
Husband says to his wife "do you smell that" wife says "no?" Husband says "me neither so start cooking"
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her  competition right away.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets. It doesn't mean we aim for the sky. It means, we don't start work unless our tail is on fire
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I was going to write a joke about Kim kardashian's orifices, but they've all been done.
Q: What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A: A fence.
What does Jeb Bush have in common with a threesome? A lot of people think three bushes is one bush too many.
How come old clothes are "vintage" but old people are "nasty over-entitled thugs whose blind selfishness mortgaged America's future"
"Half a dozen" because saying 6' is way too long...
The biggest lie "I have read the terms and conditions"
What do you call a short, round-bellied Salarian? Mordin Volus
The shortest way to piss off a hipster... Apple phone &amp; iwatch
Him: you're so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me Me: that's really sweet Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse
What do you call a right angle that gets beaten into a long square? A rekt angle
What does 90 year old pussy taste like? .....Depends.
Old folks use to poke me at weddings and say your next so... I started doing it back to them...at funerals. 
What is the most sensitive part on mans body while he is masturbating. His ears.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.
What do 7 million Chevy's have in common? I don't recall.
A guy on the bus asked me if I had any Sodium Hypobromite... I said NaBrO.
So I got into a fight with a midget the other day... He was stood next to my girlfriend and said her hair smells nice.
Who is in cowboy films and is always broke?  Skint Eastwood.
What are we gonna do with all this extra cocaine? The previous sentence has never been spoken in the history of earth
2 paedophiles on a beach. One says to the other.... "Can you get out of my son please?"
What did the maggot say to another ? What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this !
How did Captain Hook die ? He wiped his ass with the wrong hand.
If Emblem were a bad employee... Would you Fire Emblem?
The Columbine basketball team hasn't been the same... Since they lost their two best shooters
A cop pulls a guy over for speeding on a slow day Cop: "I've been waiting for you all day." Driver: "Sorry, officer. I got here as fast as I could."
My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike My dad was holding me from behind .
"Alright man let's crack open a few cold ones, it's going to be a fun night" Said one necrophiliac to another as they walked into the morgue
What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch? Names.
Do you know why one side of the V Is slightly larger when birds fly together? Because there are more birds on that side.
ufo crew: why are we hovering? ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs ufo crew: why not land? ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
A guy walks into a bar. .. He's in critical condition.
Why do blacks keep on getting stronger? TVs are getting heavier.
Superman's Google searches: "Strongest hero" "Strongest hero. Not Hulk" "Fastest hero" "Fastest hero. Not Flash" "Phone booth for sale"
I was yelled at after church today, Apparently "Jeez and crackers" is not an appropriate name for the Eucharist.
Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
How is Kim Kardashian's ass like a password-protected compressed file? They both have their own zip code
What music do they play in a mexican bathroom? Earth wind and fire
I call my dick Ambidextrous Because I fuck girls left and right.
Jeff and Don are singing deck the halls.... When they both suddenly die part way through the song. They are reincarnated as ass-less chaps. Jeff looks over and says: "Don, we now are gay apparel."
What time does Sean Connery like to go to Wimbledon at? Tenish.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn't have an earring.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
What did the Mexican family get for Christmas? Deported
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.
My doctor said no more drinking. so I froze my alcohol into cubes and ate them.
A father walks in on his son... A father walks in on his son masturbating. The father says, "Son, If you keep masturbating you'll go blind!" The son replies, "Dad, I'm over here."
what brand of power tool does Chris Brown use? Black and Decker.
Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.
There's a hole in the nudist camp wall... The police are looking into it.
What does a racist get for their birthday? KK-cake
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I'm not trying to be romantic but you have something in your eye. My dick.
Pants Up Don't Loot
Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.
First rule of tortilla fight club- You don't talk about the taco bout
Godzilla on his smartphone, googling 'How many carbs does Tokyo have'
Where is the best place in town to buy marijuana? High Street, of course.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
Hard work pays off in in the future Laziness pays off now
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn't destroy my phone
I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers... But there's no pun in ten dead.
Advice to the worm Sleep in late!
If we were really supposed to give up alcohol or Lent, they wouldn't have put St. Patrick's Day in the middle of it.
The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.
Original content Front page when?
Milliband, Clegg and Farage have quit. Proof that the Conservatives are forcing people out of work.
I'm going to get crucified for this joke, but here goes... I am the son of God
Why can't Australians play chess? They keep saying check, mate.
Did you hear the joke about the gorilla? Apparently, it's not for kids.
If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out "Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?"
Who's the top selling author in Russia? Salman Rush B
I've got a quiet buddy who taught his cat to speak. He's a fan of mew words.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Me: Don't tell me you've never thought about having sex with me. Her: No, I never have.... Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I am a proud member of Grammar Nazi... And your not.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year
Black people have 3 things that are white. Their eyeballs, their teeth, and... their masters
Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I've said it before.
What did the Nuclear Engineer get for his birthday? Yellow Cake http://imgur.com/gallery/FGFV1Em/new
I climbed a really tall ladder. Afterwards, I was rung out.
What does a drama student do while stuck in Math class? she cos(plays)
I thought I would go and help out in Africa... ...turns out they have enough aids.
Tip for new parents: The less you feed 'em, the less they poop.
Two cows are grazing in a field... One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?" The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
Why didn't the airline passenger check his vulture? Because it's a carrion bird.
Roses are red... Violets are violet. I'm not original, I stole this from reddit.
Once you've seen one shopping center... You've seen a mall.
I kill people for a living with my jokes! HAHAHAHAHHAHA FUCK YOU
Have you heard the one about the bed? No? That's 'cause it hasn't been made yet.
The biggest difference between men and women... Is what comes to mind when the word 'facial' is used.
My favorite word is plagiarism. I invented that word.
Why do midgets refuse to wear tampons? Because they keep stepping on the string.
It's weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.
I've been all over the web looking for a combination fly swatter/back scratcher. I'm tired of lugging both around all day.
I just heard that someone at my gym drilled a hole in the wall of the girls locker room. Police are looking into it.
Thanks for the heart attack, Chinese menu under the door while I'm watching a scary movie.
I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik
What do you call a mentally challenged feather pillow? A downs pillow.
Did you hear about the guy who got a Viagra stuck in his throat? He had a stiff neck for a week.
Who won the 1940 Tour De France? The 7th Panzer division
What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their parents? Roommates
Which dessert did Darth Vader order in the Mexican restaurant? Helado oscuro!
6-year-old: Spill me some milk. Me: You mean "pour." 6: Not the way you do it.
At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? For the BOOOOze.
A gay guy punched me the other day for no reason. Why? Because gay guys are fucking assholes. I'll show myself out.
A blonde walks into a library... No, that's it. That's the joke.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they'll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Donald Trump gets elected Oops thought i was on r/nosleep
Scientists Find Zika Might Be Transmitted by Oral Sex The study suggests a little head may result in a little head.
Maybe it's just the mushrooms talking, but I should probably write down everything they say.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they're going to expire in 2017.
You guys know any Sodium jokes? Na.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck? Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi
What do you call an epileptic puppy? Kibbles 'n Fits.
How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?
The sunrise is beautiful and all but i wouldn't get out of bed for it
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother
"This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing." "What's that Sarge?" "Someone's building a pig."
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.
Why do black people have white palms? There is little bit of good in all of us. p.s. not racist, my shadow is black.
My negotiating strategy is to make a skeptical face for one second then pay what the other person asked.
What do you get when you cross Mike Myers and a T-Rex? Jurassic Wayne's World!
Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I told her, I had a headache.
There was a devastating fire in my shoe shop. So many lost Soles.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
If I could be in 2 places at once, I'd mainly use it so I didn't have to leave my bed during the night to go for a wee
This is a joke translated from japaneese ... Two men walk into a pub. Clunk Clunk
I was brought up as an only child. I enjoyed it, but it used to really piss off my sister.
Why is NASCAR so popular in the southern states? Because that's where the most racists are.
A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said: Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!
Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket? Because he was in de-nile
One time, I considered becoming a gynecologist... ...but then I heard I'd be dealing with twats every day.
Starting with the word "why" and always pressing the middle option, what joke is your predictive text trying to tell us all?
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? Going to hell.
A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big" she yelled. "There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
"Homie don't fleek doe," I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.
GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome. "But what if it's TOO much awesome?" GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Studies show... Studies show that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye matey!"
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just watch it burn out and follow it around for 30 years.
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I cut up onions
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Am I doing this right?
How do gingers make friends? No seriously, im getting lonely.
I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week... He never called me back.
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home One boy throws his bag out the window.  Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I'm going home now.
An employee and her boss are having sex. Boss: Do you want to change positions? Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Why does the Mexican man chain his dog away before the mailman comes? Because his panics.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he's at work, but I can't decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.
What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
There's nobody in this world who gives LESS of a FUCK about helping you and your problem than a person working in customer service.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal? "I'll have a panda please" [judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards... I'm just afraid of commitment.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I'm in.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done, it's a hardware problem.
No Calls ? I Understand . No Text ? I Understand , But When You See Me With Someone Else Please Understand .
My Dad never loved me as a child I should have worn more provocative clothing.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
There's no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can't do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I've tried.
The Bible says Jesus used a whip to drive out the money lenders... I wonder if they called it his "Miracle Whip"?
Whats the only free food you will get from a Nigerian scammer? Spam.
Sikh turban dude
Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anybody to know he fuc%ing the chicken
How long did it take Goku to change a lightbulb? 20 Episodes and Krillin dies.
I like walking up to any bald guy wearing sunglasses and saying "Excuse me but I'm supposed to meet a guy named Pitbull here, are you him?"
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat! -Don't you mean pig? No. He tried to eat my couch!
What do you call a broken can-opener? A can't opener.
Home is where your wi-fi connects automatically.
I've spent the past few months looking for my ex-boyfriends' killer but no one will do it.
I really just don't like any of these fancy and stinky cheeses. Maybe I'm just uncultured.
Did you hear about the race horse that was so  late coming in? They had to pay the jockey overtime!
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
What kind of computer sings? A Dell.
Why was the cat scared of the tree? Because of its bark
if she's old enough to bleed she's old enough to have decisions about her healthcare be in the hands of old white men
How do you kill a circus clown ? Go for the juggler
Why do men get circumcised? Because women GRAB anything 20% off!!
What do you call a butler with a new set of teeth? An endentured servant
What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation? To take a Cruz.
I stole a toilet seat from a police station once. They never caught me, they had nothing to go on.
you may have noticed my signature fedora, my signature has a little fedora drawn on it to look like it is wearing one
Why does Daredevil worry about getting fat? He never watches what he eats.
[At make-up counter] But does this lipstick come off of a taint?
If two KKK members get in a fight... And someone else nearby gets hit, do they get caught in the cross fire?
What do JFK and Obama have in common? Well, nothing yet.
I recently had sex with a biologist at her laboratory. I don't like to brag, but she had multiple organisms.
When I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
You know what I find odd? Every other number
What's the difference... between a (nationality, ethnicity, etc you want to make fun of) man and a large pizza? ~A large pizza can feed a family of four.
What is the unit of power? Yes
What's Hitler's favorite Chinese food? Lo mein kampf
What's the best thing about fingering a psychic who's on her period? You get your palm red
If you get a divorce in Arkansas... ... is she still your sister?
What has long ears hops and likes websurfing? The e-aster bunny.
I spent the night on a 4th dimensional alien ship. Surprisingly the surroundings were very familiar. Except in the bathroom they had a glory cube.
Boss: You're late Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time Boss: That would make today Saturday Me: You're right. I'll go home
Detroit is the first city to make community college free! There are no community colleges in Detroit.
What is it called when you call your ex? Ex-communication
It makes me so mad when people use the word "gay" as an insult ..fucking assholes
Damn, Girl, are you a rollercoaster? 'cause everyone is talking about the ride...
My doctor recommended that I stay away from trans fats I should stop using recipes from tumblr.
What do you call two crows? Attempted murder
Political jokes offend me! They get elected too often.
How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Find out next time, on Dragonball Z!!!
Why don't French people smile in pictures? The French word for "cheese" is "fromage".
The cucumbers are taking over my garden and trying to starve all the other vegetables out. It's a war of nutrition.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles* Him: What's funny? Me: Nothing. Him: *presses button, explodes, dies* Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends. Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you? Walter: It's on the house.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You're welcome!
Genie: You have 3 wishes. I don't want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That's it.... I'm done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Did you know Achilles was a runway model? He was fired because of his walk. He had a problem with heels.
My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It's $100 on me and $500 on her.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, "Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend" on it. I'm so torn right now
My kids don't believe that before video games, we used to have to go out and buy a hedgehog, paint it blue, then give it cocaine.
What do you call a cat that claims it's a lion crossed with a cougar? A liar.
Knock, Knock...
If you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!
What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding? A tourist.
Are there any prostitutes you can hire just to talk to you??? Apparently they are called therapist.
Clear before beer, and your clear to steer... into other cars or near by pedestrians killing them and or yourself so don't fucking drink and drive you fucking moron!
How do you get three popes into a Volkswagen? You take off their hats
They should make a reality TV show called, "Jersey Shore meets Shark Week"
Why are government buildings alike all around the world? free masonry.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
1st Roman Soldier: What is the time ? 2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII !
In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you? Me: You bought me a ski jacket Her: Skiing is a sport!
Why is the pussy slit verticaly and not horizontaly? So it doesn't clap when running.
What does a baby smell like in a microwave? Nsfw I don't know I was too busy jerking off.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting "Looking good ;)" on solo pics of their husbands
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Did you year about the chinese male prostitute? He'll give you a Bro-Job.
An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch. A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life." "Not yet."
What do German women's lingerie and Africa have in common? Ze-bras!
I think your first love holds the biggest piece of your heart because they made the first cut.
Apparently I have a black person in my family tree... If you look in my backyard he's still hanging there!
Advice from an old native American hunter: Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.
I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is. Me: "If you tell me, i'll give you some alcohol for free" Friend: "Alright then, hand some jack"
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do you all want a beer?" The first logician says, "I don't know." The second logician says, "I don't know." The third logician says, "Yes."
That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me. It said "This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures."
If you see a swarm of jellyfish, DO NOT enter the ocean. It's a no-brainer.
I'm currently stuck behind traffic lights. Fuck you Roxanne.
I'm with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds. Whoops, sorry. Bear\*
music joke As the Cellist in our string quartet, i can't help but feel the other musicians are looking down on me. sorry about that, i will just be getting my coat.
What does a storm cloud have on beneath its clothes? Thunderwear!
Got pretty embarrassed at the party last night. Totally looked like I peed my pants 'cuz I spilled my glass of pee into my lap
What do you call a gay guy paralyzed from the neck down? A Tomato (because he's both a fruit AND a vegetable)
Lebron's life is like one big compass... He went South, His hairline went North, his dad went East and his mom went Delonte West.
"Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?" "It will definitely feel longer. "
When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's sweet, I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
A dentist recently had to pull some teeth The pain was bad enough, but when they told me I would have to drink directly from the glass for a whole day, that was the last straw.
Instead of yet another love song, someone should write a song about wanting to be left alone for fifteen minutes.
I have a Pakistani girl friend. Last night she said that she wanted to blow me. Now I wasn't sure if I should lower my pants or call the cops.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine? A: Nobody knows, but whatever it is, it knits its own sweaters.
Son: can I get lunch money Dad: I have a boyfriend
Helen Keller walks into a bar... And then a table... And then some chairs... And then a plate Glass window...
A Nun, a Priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"
here's my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you're welcome
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today... I told them its the last thing I need.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
What's the similarity between Bill Cosby and Santa have in common? They both come when you're asleep.
* feels winds of change * realizes it's just a hole in my shorts
What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAINS
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] "ok"
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for... Billy Joel's 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
There's a difference between racism and fact... Niggers are stinky - fact
Not to brag but I have approximately 5000 compact discs I haven't listened to since 2003 that are preventing me from moving on with my life.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.
Donald Trump The joke's in the title.
I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.
Do you know what a girl says when she sees a big...NSFW Do you know what a girl says when she sees a big dick? *when the person says: 'no what'* I do
Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone? She thought children should be seen and not herded!
So i was taking a picture of you and your mom and i had to ask your mom to step aside Because I only have 5GB space left on my phone.
Why did Serj Tankian cross the road? because he wanted to...
Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said "bc time killed the dinosaurs." My kids are never leaving home are they
In the game of poker, you have to play the hand you're dealt. Unless it's a literal hand. Then it's a redeal.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking 'with each other' was the wrong response.
My wife says I'm too nosy. At least that's what she said in her diary.
Jesus was nailed to the cross. He said "Peter, come forth". Peter walks up, Jesus waves his hand and he is healed. Next he says "Mary, come forth" But Mary came fifth and won a toaster.
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on the broom!...haha
Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $39 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.
'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?' 'Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'
I come from a long line of people with convenient principles *helps an old lady cross the street because a girl is watching*
I think I might be a nihilist... not that it matters...
My art teacher told me to draw a Tardis I think im going to fail since I just drew police box.
Being a hacker in the '80's was way easier. *shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.
Mum thinks she's Dad. **Dad:** Honey, where oh where is a pair of my underwear? **Mum:** Your underwear is under there. **Dad:** Under where? **Mum:** Yes.
What do a Boston Marathon runner and Hitler have in common? Neither can finish a race.
What do women and hand grenades have in common? When you pull the ring off, your house goes away
What has a bottom at the top? legs
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off ? Ban-she ban-she !
Q: How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day? ... ... A: He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.
I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT.
What did Stevie Wonder say when he found out he was blind...? "At least I'm not black"
Q: Why did the ghoul knit herself three socks? A: Because she grew another foot.
you think there'd be a word for 'sleeping bag' that isn't a placeholder description of what it is
Maybe we got it wrong and God just wanted to play doctor for a day: 'Here Moses, take these two tablets and call me in the morning'
I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart They probably have never seen any of his paintings.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You're probably on fire!
How does a lawyer from Panama play his guitar? He shreds.
Where would Martin Luther King Jr. be right now if he was white? Alive
A senior partner with a herniated disc limps into a conference room Coworker 1: "I feel like the world's moving in slow motion" (pause) Coworker 1: "Oh wait, it's just Charlie" (motions at partner)
What did zero say to eight? Nice belt!
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.
How do you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the shit out of it!
What did zero say to eight? Nice belt.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It's still sitting in the mailbox because I don't want to walk all the way out there.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop. There, you happy?
I tried out for the part of Jesus in my school play.... I think I nailed it
I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.
I bought a 32ft ruler. For extreme measures.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: "I hope I didn't do anything stupid." 29 year old me: "I hope I didn't agree to go on a hike."
A Doctor and patient Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine".
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?  A: They're doing research on black holes.
The Puzzle - I beat a record. - Oh , what? - I managed to do a puzzle in 15 days on which he had written " from 3 to 5 years."
Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can't get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Yes... I retweet. Isn't that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that's your fault...
What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chick pea? I'm not spending $100 to have a garbanzo on my face.
A man walks into the doctor's office wearing nothing but cellophane (saran-wrap). Dr. says, "Clearly I can see your nuts!"
During sex im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere... I come fast and dont penetrate very far! ... ayyyyy!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes..... ...that way when you criticize them you are a mile away, and have their shoes.
What do you call a symphony where everyone plays at the same time instead of taking turns? An *and*chestra.
What do you call a demon that lives in your butt? An ass-soul
Three men walk into a bar... The fourth one ducks.
Schooner or later, sailors... ...engage in rudder nonsense.
"Why don't you have kids yet?" is a great question, ma'am, but I'm saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
87.53% of statistics are false Title
You're all arguing about what color the dress is... While I'm having sex with the girl who took it off.
Anyone ever notice how the word "opinion" looks like "onion", and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions.. she walks in and says "How do I get to 280?" A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."
What does an astronaut do when he gets angry? He blasts off:
I joke a lot about how horrible my wife and kid are, but in reality you should know that it's not funny at all and it really sucks for me.
I've fallen in love with my tailor. What can I say, he suits me
Sorry I broke your arm when your reached for that last slice of pizza. -Flirting is hard.
I've successfully made a time machine Thank you kind stranger for giving me gold
What's an owl's favorite rock band? Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game.
Why are there no Russian strippers? Cuz they tried to kill all the Poles
What's the difference between an Isis camp and an orphanage? I don't know, I just fly the drone
What did the black kid get on his SAT's? Barbeque sauce.
You know what West Virginians say about dating, don't you? The closer the kin, the better the skin.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can't tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Hillary and Bernie walk into a bar... Hillary says that she shouldn't buy the drinks because she is Hillary. Bernie says that the drinks should be free for everyone. America dies.
I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.
Q: Is Google a he or a she? A: A she, no doubt, because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
Its been almost ten years so I feel I can make this joke now. What did inhabitants of an island in South-East Thailand say when they saw a tsunami approaching? Oh, Phuket!
Why do presidents have unsatisfied wives? It takes four years to get an election.
Why are Mafia members so good at sex? Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.
To impress women by coming across as a bit of a bad lad, I always tell them I'm in human trafficking. Which isn't a total lie as I'm a lollipop man.
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those that can read binary and those that can't.
What is President Clinton's favourite game? Swallow the leader.
Why did the string theorist return his vacuum cleaner It was only the standard model
Sex can make your day But anal can make your hole weak
I got a paper cut writing my suicide note... its a start
How can you tell if a clock is hungry? it goes back 4 seconds
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house.........I got the outside.
What do you call a cheese that's not yours? My cheese!
When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response? I like to be prepared.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I wore the wrong socks.
My wife bought me Dunkin Donuts k-cups for my Keurig... Now, it's like I finally have an Indian in the Cupboard.
What is green and smells like paint? Green paint.
My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm... ... she just spits it out.
Internet explorer... The best browser for downloading a new browser
Me: It's not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal. Her: Why don't you get married? Me: I've never been that hungry.
What did the vampire say to the werewolf after discovering its blood is inedible? "Fangs for nothing!"
How many Norwegians does it take to change a light bulb? They don't bother, you can find lutfisk in the dark.
American police.
My phone never asks me to put my husband down.
What do you call milk at the edge of a cliff? Legendary
What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates? Doctors without boarders.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? Your job sucks
The only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.
I've been working on my best ice cream creation ever but it got infected. It's my Magnum O'pus.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
How do hipsters buy their drugs? by the instagram.
This morning I saw an ad offering 'help' to people contemplating suicide Which confused me, because the industry has banned ads for cigarettes, but apparently they have no qualms with murder.
Question: What river separates China and India? Answer: the Fraser River (which separates Richmond and Surrey)
They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie... It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.
I went to the store to get 6 cans of sprite... Ended up picking 7up
On my 5 year old's report card it said, "He is encouraged to ask more questions". ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
What is a parrot's favorite game ? Hide and Speak !
What do you call a guy who always phones people? Colin.
Whose son was Edward the Black Prince ? Old King Coal !
I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.
2034. All motivation comes from posters now. People can't even find the strength to poop without seeing italics over a meadow
Three guys walk into a bar... The fourth one ducks under it.
"I've found that I'd scream the exact same way If a piece of seaweed touches my leg or if a shark were trying to bite me." - Kevin James
I've got reverse Benjamin Button disease.
What was a poor Roman citizen's favorite breakfast? Fruity Plebbles.
It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
USDA approves shipment of marijuana-fed cows' beef Analytical studies show that the steaks are high
Chuck Norris... ...played a used game once... on the Xbox One.
What do you call a women who has had a lot of sex? Her name #Feminist jokes
Safety Tip: Always have a loaded water gun ready to go in case of a home invasion by a cat burglar.
Q:Why did hitler kill himself after he lost to russia? A:His whole world came Kremlin down
What did the italian man with dementia have for dinner? Forgetti Bolognese.
A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs... Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways. I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I'm doing at life
Smokey The Bear is the narc version of Yogi Bear.
What do you call a Nazi turkey? Joseph Gobbles.
Where do you find a dog that has no legs? Right where you left them.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.
What do you call the nicest guy in the hospital? The Ultra-sound guy..... Who covers him when he's not available? The hip replacement guy!
Q: How did a blind man drive his car? A: One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.
How do you grow a cow? Plant its nuts.
What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? A lick-her cabinet
What's the difference between humans and bullets? Humans miss Harambe
If a seagull lives by the sea... If a seagull lives by the sea, what do you call a bird that lives by the bay? A Bay Gull
why can't you keep a jew in jail? they eat lox...
What's President Obama's favorite vegetable? Barack-oli
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
How do you get 100 jews into a car? Toss a penny in, how do you get them out? tell hitler is driveing the car.
Two condoms walk into a gay bar They look at each other and say "let's get shit faced!"
What does Neil Degrasse Tyson call orgies... ...the big bang courtesy of reds
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me. We just weren't working out.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons? Jose and Hoseb
I wonder who is being John Malkovich right now.
They read them up side down Why don't bats enjoy r/jokes?
How do you save a pirate's life? C P Arrr!
No wonder Jared lost weight... He doesn't like footlongs.
1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your "Real World Money"?
I'm going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*
Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it's a "Hobbit" movie.
What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas? AIDS
I'm shit at remembering names. But isn't every Tom, Rick, and Larry
world's funniest joke: Liverpool FC winning the barclays premier league
What's the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles.
How many kids with ADSD does it take to change a lightbulb? "Lets go ride our bikes!"
Today I don't feel like doing anything. Except you
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she's all, "Stop it, you're driving too fast! We're on a bridge!"
Why dont arabs have drivers and sex ed on the same day The camels would get to tired
Just phished Forest Gump's Facebook password, it's: 1Forest1
So my great-grandpa died at Auschwitz.... An overused joke fell on top of him and crushed him.
Someone you don't care about just listened to a song you don't like on Spotify!
Why do you forget a tooth as soon as the  dentist pulls it out? Because it goes right out of your head.
I know you didn't sneeze. I said "God bless you" because your baby is ugly.
Dallas Cowboys Why do you have to repeat things you say to Dez Bryant? He doesn't always catch it the first time.
Jokes about vaginas are disgusting... Period.
Today I found my first grey pubic hair... I got really excited, but not as much as the other people on the bus.
What did one Casket say to the other Casket? "Is that you Coffin?"
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
What do you tell a woman with no arms or legs? Nice tits.
Dating Q. Why did this OkCupid user never go out on a date? A. "I couldn't imagine a date could be interested in knowing about me more than this website"
What comes after Q Jokes? /r/Jokes
My mom told me not to kill the spider but to take it out... so I did, we had a few drinks, top lad he is..currently working as a web designer.
I like my women how I like my coffee. Big tits.
I was really bad in my school band. So bad they kicked me out and put me on the registered sax offenders list.
I just had sex I don't know where else to post it
my ex-girlfriend named my penis Trump, Because it talked a big game to get inside, left her disappointed, and she wanted to get rid of it in 4 years or less...
If you watched a movie of my life backwards it would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them back into the fridge.
I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"
Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I'm too dumb to understand what it means. Let's see how he likes the name Microphallus
Q: Why did the suspenders get arrested? A: Because they held up a pair of pants.
A cannibal chief was just about to stew his latest victim for dinner when the man protested "You can't eat me ? I'm the manager!" "Well" said the cannibal "soon you'll be a manager in chief."
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. So, hate fun or have a fat face, your choice.
Did you hear about the statistician's party? The dress code was causal.
A king gets murdered in his sleep... Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."
The words 'selfie' and 'twerk' have been added to the dictionary this year while 'charm' and 'dignity' have been removed.
A sissy in a Prius terrormobile tried to race me at a stop sign. Had him for the first 100 feet, but a fella can only walk so fast. Merica.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as "Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang."
What is Hitler's least favorite drink? Orange Jews
Why didn't blacks in 1850 give high-fives? Because everyone always left them hanging!
Q: When does a bed grow longer? A: At night, because two feet are added to it.
Pots and pans set: $70. Wrapping paper: $5. Tape: $3. Watching your mother unbox and attempt to wrap said pots and pans: priceless.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Hey girl, are you a fire alarm? Cause you're fucking annoying.
It's not that I'm a bad boyfriend. I'm just a horrible person.
The only requirement to work at Hot Topic is the manager has to be able to shove a softball through your ear gauges.
If you don't have anything nice to say come sit closer to me and let's talk about everyone
A toast! Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant.
*bursts into starbucks* Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET Barista: yeah over there Me: oh thank god *plugs in a mechanical bull*
That guy is so poor... ... that he has to fuck his own wife.
It's SO ADORABLE when my kid's fish sleeps upside down. Because that's what it's doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco.
Families are like onions.... Watching them be cut into small pieces will make you cry.
How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.
Women are like pickup trucks. Men with poor taste usually want to add a lift kit.
I see London, I see France! (I'm looking at Google maps)
What is it called when a thief steals a purse, runs into the street, then gets run over? *Car*ma
yesterday i bought stamps & mailed something just like our ancestors the dinosaurs!
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Two reasons i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone 1)I don't have an iPhone 2)I don't have a girlfriend.
What do you call s'mores in Spanish? S'mas
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] "look at these boring moist porcupines"
Job interview tip: Tell them you're not an applicant, you're an appliCAN. Lick your finger, hold it against buttock. Make sizzling noise.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Accountants are very clever opponents. They are used to being underestimated.
What do you call Charlie Sheen in a wheelchair? ROLAIDS
I like my women how I like my cheese... ...blue, filled with holes, and wrapped in plastic in my fridge.
I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.
Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill really pisses me off. Now its only worth 2 more then a $10 bill...
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you c*nt!"
Why did the black man cross the road? Better question is what the FUCK is he doing outside of the cotton field!?
How is the layer of fat around a woman's vagina called? Woman.
When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.
What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? "Hey what's eating you?"
Knock knock. Who's there? Mom & Dad. Mom & Dad who? Exactly. -Cool way to tell your son he's adopted.
There are two types of people in this world 1 those who understand bianary and 10 those who don't
What do you call an illegitimate female cow? Miss Steak
What does DNA stand for? the National Dyslexic Association
Trump wants to pass a law banning grocery stores from selling shredded cheese... ... in order to "make America Grate again"
Can you tell me a dirty joke? I want to be more outgoing.
My friend got attacked by a bear recently It was really grizzly.
What do you call a deer... without eyes? No eye deer. without eyes or legs? Still no eye deer. without eyes, legs, or genitalia? Still no fucking eye deer.
Interviewer asked me why I'd make a good waiter? Me: You could say I...bring a lot to the table.
I was pooping in a bathroom with no windows when the there was a power outage. When I had to wipe my butt I couldn't see shit.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like "omg do u think he likes me???"
KFC came out with the Obama Bucket.. Its all left wings, and chicken shits.
What washes up on small beaches? Microwaves!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster* *takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn't know the song "Get Off the Stage or Die." Elvis, maybe?
What do you call a red-headed baker? A Ginger-bread man
[puts scarf on snowman] Girl: to keep u warm Snowman: I am made of snow. G: omg you're alive! S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw
Abortion... ...it brings out the kid in you.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I think I burn most my calories at the gym untangling headphones.
A guy is driving home thinking to himself.... if I was in a joke right now, what would the punch line be? Long story or short, he gets in a car accident and dies.
Have you ever heard of the lost Indian tribe the Halarwi? they walk around the forest saying "were the halarwi"
Old people at weddings always poke me and say your next So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common? Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle. They always make ends meet!
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits a car's windshield? Its butt!
They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.
Batman: I told you, if it's mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang.. Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes
Why did the commuter want the carpool driver to take the bridge? To avoid car-pool tunnel!
God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Why did the lion get lost? Because jungle is massive
That awkward moment when someone adds you on Facebook, but never says hi in real life.
With all of the experience The Fine Bros have... I wonder why they didn't see this reaction coming.
Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell into mud. Want to hear a clean joke? Three men taking a shower together.
Why are some girls so odd? Because they can't even.
Where do Mexicans shop for books? Borders
I'm so broke that I posed nude for a magazine last week. That's the last time I go to that newsagents!
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Why was drug addicted Moses upset when he was floating down a river? because he was in Da-Nile
I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.
Using only a paperclip, taffy, and rubber band, MacGuyver left another shitty tip.
What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera (racism free) Phil Ming
What do you call an overpriced and overhyped game? No Man's Sky.
To Brie or not to Brie. That is the queso.
Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.
Alarming new research into the growing sleep epidemic Over 99% of people are now addicted to sleep, admitting they engage in sleep at least twice a week, most say they couldn't live without it
Someone told me today that I'm pretentious... Moi!?!?
What's the most important part about making a Pokemon joke? The Exeggution!
How do you make an archaeologist blush? [repost for spelling] You hand him a dirty tampon and ask him what period it's from!
? Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly There's a robbery in progress Suspect is white & in his 50s And high on gluuue ?
What do you call a French sandal? Philippe Flop!
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Q: What did the blind German say? A: I can Nazi you!
what's the worst part about being a pedophile? trying to fit in.
Boss: "late again I see" Brain: think of a good excuse! Mouth: "your moms late." Brain: wow....
Why don't the French have fireworks on Bastille day? because they would all surrender.
Politics is like a car you press "D" to go forward and "R" to go back
What do you do with an epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a car. The car crashes. Who survived? *America.*
Turns out I got Lazik surgery by mistake so now I have two lazy eyes.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[at work] CW: Hey, I found your Twi... Me: *jumps out window* CW: ...Twinkies.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
It was Christmastime, and everybody was feeling Merry. So she went home.
Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don't let Mike Tyson bite.
If you're not singing "Hitler Baby one more time" to the tune of Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time" I'm sorry but you are now.
Where do you find a one legged cow? Where ever you left it.
What do you call a dog who likes to eat at subway? A sub-woofer!!
Which insect didn't play well in goal ? The fumble bee !
Why did the male ghost get scared after the female ghost said "boo"? The male ghost wasn't ready for a committed relationship.
[Dollar Store Interview] "What are your qualifications?" [Slides over a dollar] "Cashier job is yours" [Slides $2] "Welcome to Management"
My girlfriends nervous about giving birth. I said don't worry, women have been doing it for over 100,000 years.. .. Or in the case of Republicans, women have been doing it for 6,000 years or less
What did the bartender say to the horse? bartender: Why the long face? Horse: My alcoholism is destroying my family.
Why can nobody understand sausages when they talk??? Because they speak in tongs. I'll show myself the door
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows? They've really been making headlines. -courtesy of my 8 year old niece.
I "accidentally" washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again.... Yeah Accident
*Rides off into sunset* *forgets mobile* *Rides back*
This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I'm invading its privacy.
Some guy told me he could get 10 times as many women as I do Joke's on him, 10 times zero is still zero.
I'm going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
What gets whiter as it gets dirtier? Michael Jackson!
there's a pile of shoes by the door and you're looking for the pair that will be the quietest for when you leave
A drunk man walks into a bar... ... and a table... and a chair...
I can really only think of one thing worse than genocide. Jews.
Did you know that Dracula wants to become a  comedian? He's looking for a crypt writer.
"Go ahead caller" Why radio DJ's should never work a suicide hotline...
I said "Hi" to a feminist. The trial is scheduled for tomorrow
Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public. Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Wrong Hole! - a love story
[Bee diary] Day one: met a really cute queen bee Day two: queen bee is now my gf Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
What word starts with F, ends with UCK, and people look for it when it gets a little too hot... A firetruck... .. You dirty person you... :-)
The doctor gave me 4 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Happy Birthday Tupac! He would've been 72 today if Dick Cheney hadn't shot him in his face.
First trick or treater of the day just came round dressed as Gloria Gaynor At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Why are their no jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? Because the punchline is to long
What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long? A runny bunny.
So my husband asked me if I anted a boob job... I replied "How much does it pay?"
Despite other issues one aspect of Pokemon Go is perfect: You're always encountering new and interesting bugs.
Hey my American friend, I heard you like Football jersey's so I got you the new Irish Kit!! *Um, Bro?*
What would a piggy-bank say if it could talk? Coink! Coink!
Friend: "This is the year I'm going to marry my best friend." Me: "This is the year I'm going to train my dog to come when I call him."
I'm not high! - high people I'm not drunk! - drunk people I'm not lying! - lying people I'm not gay! - my brother
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
I watched a documentary about the lives of beavers last night... It was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
They say 75% of all Americans live next to a pedophile. Not me.... I live next door to a hot 10 year old girl.
What does a guy call his diabetic girlfriend? Sweet Pee
You'll never know how funny a tweet can be until you think of all the ways after posting it.
My girlfriend said it was either her or my obsession of showing people where doors are... "Well, there's the door."
What is the difference between an amateur archer and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit... The other hoots but can't shit.
I'm a professional click-baiter. AMA! What I did there....Did you see it?
How do you know you've satisfied a redhead? She unlocks the handcuffs. Edit: for everyone that isn't getting it, it means kinky sex
I just climbed a mountain of fish, or you could say... I scaled it.
How do two lesbians pass their time when on their period? Finger painting.
I think when a transvestite goes missing their face should appear on a carton of half & half
Sunglasses were invented so you can stare at me while you're with your girlfriend.
Who takes over when the Ultrasound man is on leave? The Hip Replacement Guy.
I'm not an alcoholic, an alcoholic NEEDS a drink... I already have one
Math puns are the first sine of insanity Title
What did transferred epithet tell hyperbole? Calm your tits, bro
Three popes walk into a bar. Wow, that place is popeular!
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If "loving you" is wrong, then i don't want to be right!
one of those 60 second cooking videos but for how to cover up an accidental manslaughter
GEEK BOOTY CALL... FRESH AIR You're a breath of fresh air, just like my asthma inhaler!
I once called my teacher mom I was home schooled
My family made a pact that I'm the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I'll slow them down. That's my workout motivation.
One day, some dude was all "You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig," and everybody went "That is a GREAT idea."
Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.
What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser? Depth perception.
The Game You just lost.
A man in Arizona buys a [Tempescope Cube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ddMyIsxZ-g). He returned it a week later because all it did was blow sand and tumbleweeds around.
Damn it's cold out. Better wear a coat, hat, gloves & boots. Sorry legs, you're still getting pants only, thanks for doing all the work tho
Making Snacks by San Widge
"Do you know how fast you were going?" 75 in a 55. I'm sorry officer. "Get out of the car." *Cop cuddles driver* "Stop doing this. I worry."
Thank you, student loan, for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you .
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Cow joke. Maybe sex for a cow aint great since the bull dick is jerky.
"My girlfriend? You wouldn't know her. She's a bit underground." ...said the hipster necrophiliac.
What do you call a disabled man in the hood? A Kripple.
My Fairy God-Mother once offered me the choice of a longer penis or a better memory I can't remember what I chose
A guy asked me out! Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is. FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich Me: ...
Katy Perry is like the girl in the Sexy GirlScout costume at the Halloween party who pretends to like sports, makes blowjob jokes and cries.
Friends with benefits who are bad at sex ...are hard to come by.
What is your favorite one to two line joke? Keep em coming boys and gals. This is making my 15 car ride way better!
What kind of online videos do fish love to watch? Hardcore prawn
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Sometimes I'll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don't have to hear her talk.
A girl asked her brother If he could help her move her stuff to her new house and he refused and she asked him why He said he couldn't be her brother and assister too
Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.
What do you call a woman in Thailand? A three-legged lady
How many "Mean Girls" jokes is too many? The limit does not exist
Nothing fcuks up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday!
How can you tell the difference between a Fleshlight and the porn star it was modeled after? Rubber clit...
What killed the Wicked Witch of The West? Splash damage
What do you call a kid with no arms or legs. Names.
Did you hear about the famous nudist? He wanted more exposure.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
How many ninjas are in this room? As many as want to be!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Round metal object they throw at the olympics Discuss.
What is the cheapest meat available? Deer Balls. They're under a buck!
Two Mexicans fall of a cliff at the exact same time. Who wins? Society.
When my kids misbehave we watch 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
A woman ran out of toothpicks... Woman: Nanny! Why do we always ran out of toothpicks? Nanny: I don't know maam. I always return it after using.
I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks
There are two secrets to being a successful businessman. 1) Never tell people everything you know... 2)
My friend doesn't believe in gosh. I'm afraid he'll go to heck.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her? They gave her a basketball.
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the VIII have in common? Same middle name.
Before taking viagra, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. Riiight.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelons, because what if they wanted babies?
Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I'm saying stuff like "bloody hell" and "brilliant"
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike  Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!
I'm not very good with DIY. A pile of books fell on my head... I only have my shelf to blame :-(
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I wonder... ...how many people will read this in the bathroom.
A joke my grandfather told me about insecurity Never mind, it's stupid
You hear the one about the transgender student? He spent his Junior year a broad.
You know who hates unexpected visitors? Osama Bin Ladin
A question that answers itself What is curiosity?
Yesterday was National Girlfriend day and my girl friend really enjoyed it .. ... my wife .. not so much.
To limit my smoking... I only smoke on days that start with 'T'... like Tuesday, Thursday, today, and tomorrow.
How long does it take to get from Dorne to Meereen? It Varys.
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra
What do you do, if you're jerking off when you're meant to do something else but you're putting it off? Procrasturbation.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? Because it was a noble gas
I told my boss I couldn't come into work because my anal glaucoma was acting up. I just couldn't see my ass there.
Did you know there are only two Lawyer jokes? The rest are all true.
Daddy, what's a transvestite? Ask mommy, he knows
"I've turned over a new leaf" ~ me explaining to the nissan salesman that I had an accident on the test drive
Want followers? Tweet something funny. Can't think of anything? Tweet something honest. Can't say anything honest or funny? Try Facebook.
The United States of America Yeah, That's it.
*unexpected snow fall* Americans: "It's the end. The apocalypse is here!" Canadians: "Huh...I might need a jacket"
My friends think my cat is loyal and selective with his affection, but the truth is that I don't have any friends.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
I have a step ladder I never knew my real ladder...but I heard great things about him, like he supported 3 people at one time... last I heard he was In a 12 step program
I think my girlfriend is starting to gain weight. She's starting to fit into my wife's clothes.
So I was nailing my girl from behind ... After we were done she turns to me and says. "my friends tell me you are a pedophile." To which I reply "That is an awfully big word for a 10 year old"
Why are poodles suspicious of strangers? Because they're afraid of running into a poodaphile.
Arrested Development is cool, but when is Netflix gonna bring back my Grampa?
What illness are you suffering from if you keep seeing cartoon animals who talk? Disney spells.
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
If you are anti-abortion... Are you pro youth-in-asia?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? "the Dark Knight Rises"
"Look guide here are some LION tracks." "Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
Dear investors, I'd like to make a chap stick called "food court Chinese food." Please snapchat if interested.
There are certain professions where having experience doesnt account for anything like being a suicide bomber
If I was a transformer,  I would turn into Megan Fox's vibrator
I bought some pot from a T-Rex ... ... he was a small arms dealer.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't make that here." Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar. He gets up and leaves. He takes a seat and orders a Polynesian Pearl Diver.
I just put on sine trousers I haven't worn since a wedding in 2001. I found a Nokia 3210 in the pocket... It still had 2 bars of battery. *some trousers
A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery ...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man" The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"
What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys
I lost my laptop on the beach yesterday Now it's a dell, rolling in the deep
Excuse me, do you like graves? Yeah, I dig 'em.
[creation of bats] God: stretch out that mouse
I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am. "Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"
So in 2016 I've decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
People who quit Reddit, what is life like now?
Doctor: I have some bad news. You HAVE to stop masturbating. Man: OMG Doc, WHY? Doctor: I'm trying to examine you.
Was Billy Idol? No, he was moving at the time.
Instead of "the John" I decided to start calling my bathroom "the Jim" I needed to workout more. Now first thing in the morning I always go to the Jim!
I hate to toot my own horn, but: [sad trombone].
Why don't mathematicians ever get blackout drunk? They know their limits.
A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line wooden tit.
I didn't have to shower alone today..... Related.......why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Kanye and Kim name their first child North West... ....in hopes that it will one day be the lead singer for One Direction
How do you make sure you have the best space party for your kid? You planet early.
Wouldn't it be great if Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber hooked up... to one of Dr. Kevorkian's machines?
when you move to a new town everyone wants to date you because they don't know you're a piece of shit yet. i highly recommend it.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
"GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLL" -Soccerates
I'm currently dating a woman that, like me, has Parkinson's and kleptomania. We're going to take things slow.
Hooker What did the guy say to the hooker after he was finished? Well I'm going to leave it with you!
What's longer than most relationships these days? This status.
"You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs" - jerk chicken
I was recently at an antiques store. I picked up a lamp and a genie popped out. He said "I will grant you one wish, you can either have a long memory or a long penis" I forget my response.
Most people love a good munch box Lunch*
"By night's end, one of these teams will be the victor." Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I hate buying Velcro.. it's such a ripoff!
Have you heard of the new Xman? Caitlyn Jenner
Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs? He was always horsing around.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
boss: why aren't you working? me: i didn't see you coming!
"Friends" ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, "me having friends" ended long before that.
What is an MRI's favorite music? Metal
What's the difference between refrigerators and gay people? Refrigerators don't fart when the meat gets pulled out
Who do Canadians call when their car breaks down. Triple Eh!
You're a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you're just a drug addict.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem!
Rudolph's red nose is actually the result of a parasitic infection in his respiratory system. Stay woke.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? None
What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie.
I saw a flock of angry ducks the other day. I wonder why they were in such a fowl mood.
Why did the pop band get cancer? They were radio active.
How many immature people does it take to screw in a light bulb? 69.
A classic among my friends Knock knock. Who's there? Allah. Allah who?  Allahu akbarrrrrrrrrr-
What do you call a flower in Florida? Orlando Bloom.
I hate being bipolar.. It's great.
A console gamer walks into a bar... ...only to buy a free drink for 60$ To anyone wondering this joke is not made by me but i just had to share it. Credit goes to /u/Unbiased_Bob
Oh, I see you're an extrovert. Sorry, we can't be friends. I already have a friend who's an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I'm not Catholic, but I've given up picking my belly button for lint.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy in the morning... And some times I just let her sleep in.
I was asked who my favorite x-men was. I guess Caitlyn Jenner wasn't a good answer
What is the difference between Rihanna and a coconut? One is black and hairy and the other is a coconut
I have been taking notes So if you are missing notes, I probably have them
I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.
I love my cats so much, I love that I get to have these two tiny killing machines cuddled up in bed with me
What do funeral home staff do if they mess up transporting a body? They go back and re-herse.
what do you do if life gives you lemonade? make lemons out of it and life will be like whaaaat?!?
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? The oyster farmer shucks between fits...
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.
What if someone was called zelnut Then I'd be like hey zelnut
A math teacher ought to be president... To make America integrate again.
I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria. I plan to sell the secret to Dettol.
I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people.
I got sacked from my job at the Clock Factory. I just stood around making faces all day.
Knock knock knock knock knock. Who's there? Michael J Fox
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate. -My son, apparently
It is said that Bill Gates once farted in an Apple store which stank up the entire place. But after all, it's their fault for not having Windows.
Cooking is like Sex Sometimes it's Hot and Fast! Other times it's Slow and Sexy .. I can't cook
I don't believe Trump when he says he doesn't smoke In the past 2 months I've seen him smoke 2 Cubans.
Two individuals decide to spend Ramadan together... They were fast friends!
What do you call it when two bottles of lotion start dating? A re-lotion-ship.
If you play a Coldplay song backwards, you'll hear a lot of creepy, Satanic chanting in Latin But if you play a Coldplay song the normal way, you'll hear something much worse. A Coldplay song.
I lost 20 pounds in England last summer. How much is that in American dollars?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bison ! Bison who ? Bison girl scout cookies !
Why did the hipster die? He thought breathing was too mainstream
A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" "K, pop."
but sir, if a picture is worth a thousamd words then i dont understamd why my essay cant just be 4 or 5 emojis
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood  test.
Which vitamin best helps a pokemon breed? PP Up.
A teenager goes in for his regular physical Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Teen: No Doctor: Do you smoke or do drugs? Teen: No. I'm also not sexually active. Doctor: Well no shit
Monk at the Dentist Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
What do you call? What do you call an anorexic with a east infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
(Calm down, this isn't a racist joke.) How do you find will smith in a snowstorm? (Not a racist joke!) You look for the fresh prints!
Why are there so many good jokes about feminists? Well, they're huge targets...
"It's so funny running into you like this." -Guy who just crashed his car into yours in a hilarious way
What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has a future...
I recently had an interview with Sony I didn't get the job because I was underqualified.
Life is like a Penis It's simple, relaxed and hanging free most of the time. It's women who make it hard.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers one is biting hers one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring YOU SICK-O!
My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone. You can't just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I have a love-hate relationship with my wife... I love her, she hates me! Ho-ho!
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley
A trooper asks a sergeant: - Is it true that man descended from a monkey? - Yes troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.
"Food expiration dates are lies. It's all about control." My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. "I'm saving this for later."
My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out. Me (looks): I can't see anything in there. 3: That's because I flushed.
The local cemetery has been really popular lately People are dying to get in.
"Donald says he wants to run for President and move on into the White House... ...why not; it wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home" -Snoop Dogg
How do you get a fly out of the kitchen? Shit in the living room
Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail? He was caught fingering A Minor.
Her: I love it when we finish each other's Him: pancakes
To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
[commercial for tupperware] Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now? - Tupperware
What the hell is almond milk? Almonds don't have titties
How does a feminist know she's overweight? She doesn't
Why won't Derek Zoolander vote for Hillary Clinton? Because he can't turn left.
I told my wife my secret to losing 50 pounds in 1 minute. I buy everyone a round at the pub.
So a horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse responds, "They wouldn't renew Sex and the City for another season."
A pig, trying to save its life. After seeing a grill in the garden, the pig started to bark at strangers!
Whats Hitlers least favourite pokemon? Pikajew!
want to hear a NBA joke? Kyrie Irving starting in the all star game
"No, I didn't forget your gift" *digs in purse "Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring" *removes keys
four years ago I asked out the woman of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me!!! She said no both times.
What do you calla person that inherits a lot of money? A millionheir.
"Every cloud has a silver lining." - Terribly inaccurate meteorologist
Nothing worse than wasting a good mood by being around family.
And then Satan said, "save time ~ respond to her text with a K."
Honey, what is the name of that German that hides things around the house? Alzheimer grandma, Alzheimer!
Guy: I don't deserve you. Girl: Awwwww...you're so sweet... Guy: I don't mean that in a good way.
Shit happens. Just flush the toilet and move on.
"there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right But two Wrights make an airplane
Old tourist joke German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."
What do women and turds have in common? The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
What is the best thing to wear with a Michel Jackson jacket? Your Billie Jeans
Why is the founder of Comcast going to purgatory? He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter said was, "Please hold. Your soul is very important to us."
What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaaaaaaains
What do you call a funny jar of sauce Lmayo
*stares into wormhole* Whoa man, cool. *gets slapped by worm* Pervert! *worm wiggles away*
"I like every kind of music except country" -teens who are into hip-hop, classical, barbershop quartets, celtic music, big band, and chants.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have: Has all own teeth
[overhears guy saying economy is bad] [later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Fuck you, Mike's. It's not "Lemonade for Grownups," it's Beer for Babies.
Two elderly men are lounging on the porch of the Socialist Nudist Club, and one says to the other.... "Say old chap, have you read Marx?" "Why yes. It's these bloody wicker chairs!"
When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
I'll have a whiskey please. "Ma'am, this is McDonald's." Sorry, a McWhiskey.
Ebola is in Dallas? At least the Dallas Cowboys don't have to worry about it. They can't catch anything.
Everything is funnier... Everything is funnier when you're not allowed to laugh. *holds a giggle in* [http://minestatus.co/post.php?id=630]
I wish I was poor one day in my life... Because being poor everyday sucks...
The NHL's ability to punish players.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the building? Te-quil-a
New bum For my birthday, I'm asking for a new bum. My old one's got a crack in it
Einstein made a theory about space... It was about time too.
I got my car crime-colored. It's black on black.
Did you hear about the suicidal comedian? He fell flat.
Think About It... What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But I can't drive a bus.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
You know you are successful when ... Girls from school who ignored you on facebook back in the day all of a sudden want to add you on linkedin.
The problem with cuddling in bed with your true love is that iPhones don't cuddle back.
Having sex with children is fucking tight.
Q: What can a goose do a duck can't and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
If it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then you gotta ask yourself Why the fuck is there a duck in my room?
A fish swam into a wall... Dam.
How did the rednecks find their sister? Pretty good.
My penis was in the guinness book of world records! And then the librarian told me to take it out
A man goes to a bar with his autistic girlfrien, what happens next is mindblowing... Really guys ? Again ? This is the 3rd clickbait joke today
What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play? GET OFF MY LAN!
He died doing what he loved. He didn't know she was married.
The legal system is like bleach, Works perfectly for whites, but not with colors.
What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after! 
What did one butt cheek say to the other? If we pull together, we can stop this shit.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself The other one realizes that's what got you into this shit in the first place.
I like to hangout with people that make me forget to look at my phone.
Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn't think I was just buying KY and condoms.
How do people not know how to say their ABC's backwards. It's 3 fucking letters.
Best worst pick up lines? Anything and everything. "Hey, how much does a seal weigh?" " I dunno?" "Just enough to break the ice."
The Huffington Post just did a fascinating piece on the 9 Greatest Single-Digit Numbers of All Time.
I hate how people treat amputees differently. Just because they're missing a limb or two doesn't make them any less of a person.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it's not going to start? According to my neighbor it's 458 times.
My asian friend told me a hilarious joke today... Unfortunately, I had reddit be-4chan.
Why don't Germans play games with new players? Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today They must have been laced or something cause I've been trippin all day.
What is a Stealth Bomber's favourite Banana in Pajamas? B-2
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot"
I'm scared that the mob is looking for me I've been getting a lot of emails from Don Otreply about bill payments.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that thing?"
A pedophile, a rapist, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar... He orders a drink.
What do you call a homeless orphan? Depressing
What sound does a 747 make when it bounces? boeing boeing boeing
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic? Half way.
It's goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. "Your secret is well guarded... behind a zipper"
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Ford should create an 8-cylinder Fusion model It would be a V8 Fusion
What does M.Night Shyamalan always order when he goes out for ice cream? A large twist cone.
"So, do you play any instruments?" Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Hillary Clinton's recent case of pneumonia just goes to show There's only one candidate who can dodge a draft.
Poop jokes are great, But sometimes they're slightly corny.
Right now, someone is wearing cargo pants and getting away with it. I can't even concentrate on my book.
?Police Navidad / Police Navidad / Police Navidad, usemos mace y brutalidad?
So a dyslexic man walks into a rab.
I was thinking about becoming a Muslim, I met a guy online that told me I could get a free vest if I signed up.
What do you call a dumb seal? An imbeseal
Adele joke Why the chicken cross the road? To say Hello from the other side
town of terrorism joke https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi_tTBfYQlI&amp;list=UUuWKX9oJE45RXSsvGTDTKKQ
Which southeast Asian drink is more popular, the iced tea or the coffee? Neither. It's a Thai.
Why you cannot think of landing a job or business without internet? No connection
I can't remember this joke. This joke had a sadist, masochis, murderer, rapist, and some other guys all talking about what they were going to do to a cat. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I'd had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You are what you eat? *eats Natalie Portman*
What's better than breaking the seal on a bottle? breaking the seal on a rock.
i never dreamed that little pictures on a screen would feel like friends... yet here i am.
What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired? Oh snap!
Someone tweeted today that they were "29-ish" and I didn't know you could "ish" 15 years.
Sushi A bumped into Sushi B on the road one day. What did Sushi A said to Sushi B? Wasaaaabi!
What's a cats favourite alcoholic drink? Whiskers on the rocks
What's the difference between a brick and an MRA? Bricks get laid.
Your momma's so fat Newt Gingrich wants to send astronauts to colonize her.
"Do you want to see a nice clock?" I said, lowering my trousers, "That's not a clock!" She exclaimed when she saw my dick... It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!
I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said NaBrO.
Why did the redneck drive his pickup truck over the edge of a cliff? -- He wanted to test out his new air brakes.
What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five? You leave him hanging....
What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph
Foreplay in an elevator... Taking going down, to a whole new level I'm bad i know...
Operator: "9-1-1 please hold..." Me: "Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second." Murderer: "K."
4:*calls thing wrong name Me:*corrects him 4:*repeats wrong name Me:*corrects him 4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Where can you go to send a soul to heaven? An abortion clinic.
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just keep complimenting it and get mad when it doesn't want to screw.
Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench... ...when an 11 year old walks by. One turns to the other and says, "I bet he was pretty hot back in the day."
I asked my grandfather for sex advice. He said, "Slow down, you're going too fast."
Hillary will give her concession speech... Since somebody paid her $250,000 speaking fee.
Why are cowboys uncircumcised? So they have a place to put their chewing tobacco when they eat.
Is a Rhino Liner something you wear in your underpants when you have the Rhinovirus?
I have coffee before looking at art. Brews before hues.
My friend said they didn't want to die abroad... But I thought they already were one?
I've been saving up for a sex change, I don't care what my wife says. SHE'S GOING TO HAVE IT!
I want to be cremated... So I can finally have a smoking hot body!!
My friend is an idiot. Both of us spot a gorgeous woman standing about 30 feet away. Friend: What should I do? Me: Court her. Friend: Dude, I don't have any change...
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
What's the difference between a USB and the USA? One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, the other is a harware standard.
What's a horrible icebreaker? The titanic
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they'd be extra soft.
Why don't Game of Thrones characters tweet with Twitter? They were ravin' with Raven.
Whats the difference between a hospital and a terrorist stronghold? I dunno I just fly the drone.....
Went to the doctor's office for my flu shot. He promised it wouldn't hurt... Insensitive prick.
I had a near-life experience...I nearly quit Facebook.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her
Hubby's head seems like it's almost twice the size of mine. We are never having children.
How does Bran Stark get into a whorehouse? Hodor.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don't look rude. Now it looks like I'm all excited about stupid shit, and I'm Okay!! with that.
Did you hear about the banana thief? He's appealing his sentence
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Why when you spill red wine on a carpet do you take the stain out with white wine? Because more alcohol is the solution to all problems.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
I look ugly without glasses.. Even though I've never worn glasses in my life.
Q. Why is gettig a blowjob from Joan Rivers like Going over Niagara Falls on a tightrope? A. They can both be life-enhancing experiences....unless you look down.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
"We're sorry that password won't work we require mixed case numbers symbols and a small goat sacrifice."
Why can't a bike stand on its own ? Because it's two tired.
Finally decided on my thesis paper. It's a LOTR themed essay in defense of Sauron Titled "Getting away with Mordor"
Ever hear that story of the guy who scaled a building with only suction cups? Well he certainly was a **pane** to catch!
"can i smoke in here?" "sure go ahead sir" "thanks" *lights scented candle* "can i scatter rose petals in here?" "erm- "can i dim the lights
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: "Still not sure if we like it, tbh."
My father suffers from short term memory loss I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.
Why did the sperm cross the road..? I accidentally put on the wrong sock today....
I like my women like I like my sliced meat... Artificial with a bit if fat around the edges.
You guys got any good old jokes (example inside) Example: Did you go to school by horse? I like to mess with my tennis teacher, he is over 50 and he gives it right back to me by how bad i play.
What is a goal keepers favourite snack ? Beans on post !
What do call groups of the 5 most dangerous animals? A troop of gorillas A shiver of sharks A streak of tigers A band of Indians And a gang of niggers.
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Due to controversies over child labor in China, Apple has recently had to lay off thousands of people due to loss in sales... They fired the kindergarteners and half the first grade.
Why can't the pirate get to any subreddits? He keeps typing /arrr/
My mom never liked Bill Cosby's jokes. She says they put her to sleep.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I'm pretty sure our nanny's grandmother has died like seven times now......
You know you've overplayed Mario Kart 64 when the next morning you Instinctively swerve to avoid a banana skin on the road.
"Give me your Vitamin Water and your organic gluten-free cookies unless there's peanuts in them because I'm allergic." - 2012 school bully
4 Jewish women go out for dinner When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"
How do make a woman blind? Stick a car windshield in front of her face.
What do you call a tube with a degree? A graduated cylinder.
I'm going to tell you a pizza joke actually never mind it's too cheesy.
Chemistry joke thread? I'll start: I was at -273.15C one time. It was OK. What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium I'm sorry guys there really are no good chemistry jokes: all the good ones argon.
What's the difference between eugenics and a charity marathon? The second one is a race for the cure. Source:http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=3180
All women have an hour glass figure - it's just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
Why are there no penguins in Britain? They're scared of Wales.
What do Asians do when they have an erection? They vote
I discriminate against people who lose digits on their feet to frostbite. I guess you could say I am lactose intolerant.
What's the hardest thing about skydiving? The Ground
My pastor asked me how I view lesbian relations. Apparently "In HD" wasn't the right answer.
Botanists should run the fashion industry... ...they really have style.
Don't play pocket hockey... the referee is a dick!
My future's so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
An obese man was standing naked in front of his doctor He said "Doc. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years". Doctor said "Then why don't you diet?" The fat man replied "What color is it now?"
What happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas, & now my brother has to send what happened child support. :/
I like my enemies how Americans like their tea Weak.
What's the Russian word for Internet outage? Internjet
me: "why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?" therapist: "i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith"
I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
A morbid joke If serial killers kill people in series, are suicide bombers parallel killers?
If all the animals on the equator were capable of flattering Then halloween and thanksgiving would fall on the same day
Can't wait for the next Jason Bourne movie. I heard he becomes a Christian and starts a church for ex-treadstone agents... It's called Bourne Again
If you watch COPS backwards it's just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
A Jewish boy ask to borrow a $20 from his father. His father replies, "$10?!?! What on earth do you need $5 for!
What do anal sex and bungee jumping have in common? If the rubber breaks, you're in the shit.
What is the most important use for cowhide?  To hold the cow together.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They're HUMAN NAMES. They don't expire as you grow up.
Why is it a long and expensive process for fruit to get married They just cantelope
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard &amp; they're like "How did your milkshake develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?"
"Gunman" is too cool-sounding. Can we start calling them something that conveys weakness, like "pistoleer?"
TV that gets louder to compensate for when you are chewing.
What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work? Suture self!
How much did the pirate charge for corn? He sold them for a buccaneer.
I popped into Tesco last night to get some oxo cubes but couldn't see any on the shelf, they must be out of stock!
Jokes about stuttering are a big big no no
how to you circumcise a red neck uppercut his sister
Women wake up yawning and men with an erection. Coincidence? I think not.
Why are men so smart while having sex? Because they are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.
How do cops get rid of flies? They call in a S.W.A.T. team
What's a four letter word for "a butt load of fun"? Anal
Why did the girl reject the landfill owner? His place is a dump
Have you guys heard about the new store called moderation? *They have everything there!*
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine? A: She demanded $200000 and a parachute.
What song do isis members play during executions Burn baby burn
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship? I lost him to addiction. Therapist: I'm so sorry. Drugs? Yes please.
What do you call a hippopotamus with an STD? A herpepotamus.
sir do u know why I pulled u over? "actually yes officer I do, im a psychic. but DO YOU know why you'll beat me with your club in 1 minute"
When someone says Jesus was a virgin ...I have to laugh. How about that one time he got nailed by a bunch of Romans?
Why are Eskimos always alone? Because they like being ice-olated
My life story is just like "Eat Pray Love" but without the last two.
A man walks into a zoo, the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It was a shih tzu
Looking up at his wife, he asked, "Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?"
"Ebola" is trending on Twitter... ...does that mean it's gone viral?
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last great hit was the wall.
Children's laughter can be a wonderful thing Unless its 2AM and you don't have any kids.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I'm ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
If you're the guard at a Samsung store ... Does that make you the guardian of the galaxy?
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That is a trick question, feminists can't change anything.
A better world I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me. Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.
Why is chili so annoying? Because it's always Jalopeno business.
Kinky = using a feather. Perverted = using the whole chicken.
Who's the greatest baller of all time? Pontius Pilate, he once crossed a guy up so bad he died
If you are what you eat... Then i really am an innocent little girl.
Why the fuck did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays. Hahah get it? arrays(a raise?) No..? :(
[galileo's wife walks in] *quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor's window to the sky* i was just studying the... phases of venus.
In my free time I help blind children I usually find throwing pencils is the most efficient method
My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked. There was a diamond in the ruff.
Drink triple. See double. Act single.
Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Good news, insomniacs! Only 1 more sleep 'til Christmas!
Why did Hitler kill himself? Because he saw his gas bill.
Why are there so many women archaeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
Guy having sex says "damn, there should be a law against sex this good" To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy"
College spelled backwards is "egelloc"... ...which makes no sense just like everything i've learnt in college
What's your best haiku?
If you and I are still single in 200 years let's agree to haunt a Burger King as a singular entity.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.
My daughter: I know everything Me: What's the capital of brazil? My daughter: that's a secret
Life without women would be... a pain in the butt!
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."
What does 'J' stand for in Donald J Trump? 'Genius' (This joke was stolen from CharlieDarwin2)
It doesn't take much to be a president... ... a liter of the country.
Naming yo dick 'Pain' for emo chicks cuz they are suckers for pain...
A man with a gun enters a bar... ..."Who had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A muffled voice heard in the background said, "You don't have enough bullets for that mate."
How do you know if you have an underbite? When your eating pussy and it tastes like shit
Whats the difference between a suicide bomber and a hooker..?? Nothing.. They like to blow..
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds! Me: So that's like, what, three dollars?
What's the best part about being a mute? It goes without saying...
Which professional tennis player masturbates the most? Andy Rawdick
I keep my porn in the oven! My wife will never find it there!
I told my wife she would look sexier with her hair back... She was pissed! Apparently that's a insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
My bank is really proud of me. They keep calling to tell me I have an outstanding balance.
Whenever I'm naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.
What do you call a dead baby hanging on a wall? Art
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma: An empty greyhound.
What did one tower say to the other? I've got a plane to catch
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Want to hear a dirty joke? Mud!
eer booze and fun!' '"Didja hear the news?"  asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much his wife  left him!"  "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
You have so much potential But no kinetic energy, therefore you will never go anywhere in life.
I've decided to sell the vacuum... It's just collecting dust. Credit to Codsworth
why was the broom late for work? he overswept!
Why did he do that? Who is she? What does that mean? When did that happen? Why? How? I need to go to the toilet. - Child, at the cinema
I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.
TIL that semantics is a contraction of "Semite Antics" That's not true, I made that up just now. You are a racist.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
PornHub recently had videos featuring Chyna on the front page and I decided to check some of them out... ...they weren't the finishing move I was looking for.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild * sleeps in middle of bed
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit Hole? A Hot Cross Bunny
You're riding a horse, a giraffe is running next to you and a lion is chasing you. What do you do? Get your drunk as off the carousel.
Joke about jokes. I've never told this joke, but I have written it once.
What did the pony say when he sang with a sore throat? Sorry, I'm just a little hoarse!
How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the f out of "safe" and the f out of "way".
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... Teach a man to fish and he'll put you out of work.
The punchline came early What does this joke have in common with me the first time I had sex?
April Fool's Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
"And why do you want to work at the aquarium?" * imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours* I like fish
How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks? On the rocks
Yes officer, I did hit a pedestrian, but instead of dwelling on that why not focus on how many I've missed?
Coming soon to NBC: She's a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn't play by the rules. And he's a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Like my Uncle used to say, the best part of Twenty one year olds... ...is there's twenty of them.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Why did the condom cross the road? Because he was pissed off.
Incest! A game for the whole family
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, "Now, what shall we name the other one?"
What did the chef say when he ruined the soup with too many herbs? "Well, this was a waste of Thyme."
My wife was excited after my vasectomy. She said it was a load off of her chest.^.(stole ^off ^imgur, ^sowwie)
What did the polygamist horse get on his wedding night? A double bridle
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner? One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger.
About to finish my second book of the day! And when I say book, I really mean magazine. And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
Why are DJ's so bad at fishing? Because they're always dropping the Bass.
What should you do if you're cold? Stand in the corner, because it's 90 degrees.
I used to have a rabbit farm. It was a hare raising experience.
Why did the rich man go crazy? He had one-million dollars, but no cents.
Choose your pet name wisely because you'll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them. *uses falsetto voice* MR. SMOOCHES!!
Wanna Hear a Corny Joke? no??? Awww Shucks
What does an alcoholic nun have? A bad habit.
Lawrence starts cooking Lawrence checks Twitter Lawrence smells smoke Lawrence Fishburne
For Christmas last year I got a sweater. This year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.
What do you call an angry pastry? A croissant
Q. How did a blind woman drive herself  crazy? A. Trying to read a stucco wall.
black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder... the bartender says "where did you get that?" parrot says "africa, where else?"
Sloth 911: What's your emergency [1 week later] Sloth: I'VE BEEN SHOT [1 week later] Sloth 911: DON'T MOVE! We'll be there in a month
My friend and I went to a guitar clinic recently. He really seemed to be into it. I guess it struck a chord with him.
A friend was complaining about how hard it is to cook eggs sunny side up... I told him to put a lid on it.
What does a Jew do to make them love Christmas? Install a parking meter on the roof.
The Great White Whale just unveiled a sculpture of the Rolling Stones frontman made of mud brick... Moby Dick's Adobe Mick.
Drinking non-alcohol beer is like to eat out your own sister: the same taste but something is wrong
1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.
What does the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now it's offensive to talk about.
What are ants called when they run away very fast to get married? Ant-elopers.
What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?? Jah-Bless!
*scrolls ur TL* *finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.* *eerily similar to mine from day before* "She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!"
I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in the freezer
At least a zombie would love me for my brain.
In solidarity with peaceful Muslim communities around the world, I believe America should finally elect it's first Muslim president to a third term.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn't shower? Moses. hi i'm your new youth pastor Keith
What did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave? Le meow
Don't expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that's when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Elephants Did you know an elephant's sexual organs are in its feet? if they step you, you're fucked!
People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn't mean i have kids.
What's sometimes white, sometimes red and sometimes brown? My dick.
Judging by your selfie, I can't help wonder why your mother didn't try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.
What do you call it when two female spies fall in love? Lesbianage
... Q.) Why would a blonde wear green lipstick? A.) Because red means Stop.
I like winter.. ..it's cooler than summer
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
Policeman: How can you drive so  recklessly? Driver: I have to this is a getaway car.
Stoners are gearing up to do on 4/20 what they do every other day of the year.
Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." ?
How do you get rid of somebody? Give them a ticket for a flight on Malaysian Airlines and hope that they will live up to their reputation!
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here."
What is a whale's favorite song? Shout.
Our local council said they are going to get all the coins out of the wishing well and put them into a balloon. Talk about getting everyone's hopes up.
What do you get when you cut an Avocado into 6.02 x 10^23 pieces? a guacaMOLE
How many minutes after someone's fired is it cool to take their stapler?
From John bishops only joking Did you hear about the local blender company? They went into liquidation
What do you call a fat female host of a talk radio show about fishing? A broadcasting broad casting broad.
What's the most dangerous animal in the world? A Bluebird with a Tommy Gun.
A muslim arrives in paradise. He demands his 72 virgins but it turns out there just aren't enough women in heaven. He insists on his virgins. So he's given 72 female babies made in China.
My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like "Who are you?" and "Why are you hiding outside my house?" and "My wife is calling the police."
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast] Him: How did you get in my house?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
I had a Muslim kid in my high school and he was notorious for being late So we called him 9/12
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I'd change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Why are black people so tall? Because their knee-grows
What's black and brown on the inside and blue and white on the outside? Jail
I feel like a white girl prime number because I ALMOST literally can't even...
Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car... She asked me if I could drive :-(  Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can only milk a cow for 10 years.
I bought some shoes from my dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I always felt sorry for homeless gay people They have no closet to come out of.
I got together with a pig and... I think she's my Sowmate. ( ^ @ ^ )
What's fat, sweaty, and bad at cooking? My ex wife!
What do you call a bolt that dresses like a woman? A cross-threader
I found an alternative to Pokemon GO. It's this new game called Grindr. I haven't tried it yet, but I hear its this thing where you go around, trying to capture bears.
Why does the indian rain dance always work? Becuase they keep dancing until it works.
My hands are really reliable I can always count on them.
How people think Brain: "You're weird." Body: "and you're fat." Face: "plus you're pretty ugly" Food: "I'm here for you babe..."
What's the difference between a bear and the Bears football team? Nothing, they both shit in the woods.
How Did Harry Potter Get Down The Hill? Walking. Jk Rowling.
A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome ...and call it Touch Downs.
My ex-girlfriend... Bent my car's hood,but it was my fault a little bit too I was just a little bit over the legal speed.
What is the difference between catholic priest and acne? An acne doesn't come on boy's face until he's 13.
Do hairy people get bed head all over? Ma'am, I just called to see if you're happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said "Oh look, 12 new followers!"
Have you heard about Michigan's music scene?? I hear there's a lot of heavy metal in Flint. :^)
A little alien asks his mother... "Mommy, the kids all say we're aliens from outer space. That's not true, is it?" "Vegl dibrogmrn di shtrtl mixtor!"
Even if you disagree with his politics you have to admit that for a second term president he doesn't even look pregnant.
Driving high versus driving drunk: Drunks run stop signs. Stoners stop and wait for them to turn green.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery... But it turns out it was all in vain
[cruising down highway in friend's car with windows down] me: [opens bag of glitter]
Where does Noah store his bees? The ark-hives.
I was speaking to a lad at work called krowski. I asked, "So are you Polish?" He said, "No, my great grandad was." I said, "Oh, so you're just a tad pole?"
boy: camp counselor, is it true that in some places they don't wipe after using the toilet? jared: shh... let's not talk while making love.
Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement
What should you do if there is a blackout at night? Call the police, they'll come and shoot it.
What did Bill Cosby call Donald Trump? A rookie.
If we truly become what we mock... ...I think I'm going to start mocking some smarter, more successful people, for a change.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Great gift for Trump supporters: Place a bar of soap in their Christmas stocking and beat them with it after they fall asleep
Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you fucking weirdo.
Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.
What's the difference between a dead cat and a dead lawyer on the road? The dead cat has skid marks around it.
When a cop pulls you over, never start a sentence with, "This may be the alcohol talking, but..." Trust me on this one.
There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it.
What did the Muslim bring to the Holiday party? Falafel and hummus.
Light a fire for a man and keep him warm for a day. Light a man on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life.
Why doesn't a chicken wear underwear? Because his pecker is on his face!
Where does the General keep his armies? Up his sleevies!
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!
What is WILL.I.AM going to be called after he dies? WILL.I.WAS
My only talent is sleeping I could do it with my eyes closed.
Why do Avon Ladies walk funny? Their lipstick.
I am part of the 1% Well, at least my cell phone battery is.
They say the camera adds ten pounds so my girlfriend only needs to lose about four or five cameras before bikini season.
What's an Ancient Roman's favorite sex position? LXIX.
What's everyone's least favorite dish? Cunt Pao Chicken!
I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but... ...they're always taking his name in vein.
How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh, wait. That's a hardware problem. [source](http://nerdfighteria.info/video/54/Zrnd63DAH8o)
What is a nickname for any black man? Tripod, because they have an extra leg..
Men are like bank accounts. Without money they won't generate much interest.
Like prison, most don't learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.
What do you call a pallbearer from Oklahoma? A Karaoke
I know a great joke about a FedEx plane but it's probably over your head.
Pet Insurance Hey baby. Do you have pet insurance? Because I'm about to destroy your pussy!
Whats grosser then gross? Shoving 12 oysters up your grandmothers vagina and sucking out 13.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like? ME: I don't think that will fit me.
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Pokey but I've turned myself around
Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat? She wanted to wash up on shore
Just got a blow job in the elevator. It was a pleasure on many levels
There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Yo mama so stupid she tried to put her m&ms; in alphabetical order.
Customer: Waiter I found a hair in my turtle soup. Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got  together.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
There's no harm in Pretending to smoke cigarettes
I always appreciate a good pun, but never geographical ones There's Norway I'd sink Oslo as that
What do you call a blond standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.
Probably the worst & the best thing about having King Kong go crazy in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia.
What position makes the ugliest children? Ask your parents
If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.
The English language is bizzare There was a young girl from Slough Who choked on a piece of raw dough But the time she was through With hiccup and cough She woke everyone in the borough
Every now and then, getting lost means finding your way.
Good news everyone! I've found another person who's voice you can hear in your head when reading one single phrase.... AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Soldiers regrouping] Where's Jim? He went M.I.A. *Cut to Jim*  All I wanna do *bang bang bang bang* *reloading noise* And shoot enemies 
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Helen Keller walks in to a bar.... Then a table... Then a chair
My wife is like a grape She lets out a little whine.
What star sign is a donut? It's a Taurus!
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue
Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars?? Great food, horrible atmosphere.
So Richard Simmons is getting a sex change. Finally going to be a man...
Why doesn't Shirley Manson change her Facebook relationship status? She's only happy when "It's Complicated."
Trains delayed due to: - Wrong kind of sun - Ominous cloud - Slightly damp leaf - Chilly track - Suspicious gravel - Sarcastic swan
"Why do people get plastic surgery? Why can't you just admit that it's over? Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50's." @MaleHonesty86
Of course, Ludacris isn't his real name. It's Louis D'Cristofferson.
How many x does it take to change a lightbulb? f(x), where f(x) = the optimal number of x for establishing a humorous stereotype.
Me: Did you play video games all day? 9: No Me: What else did you do? 9: I ate lunch
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother  started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
The iCloud leaks weren't an accident at all. It was Apple trying to make up for causing Adam and Eve to have to wear clothes in the first place.
Do girls budget their tears so they don't dehydrate & other legitimate questions
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
Yo mama so fat. . . I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas. Edit: TIL Reddit has very strong feelings about my mother.
I am all for women receiving equal rights and lefts!
I went to a drag race yesterday It's amazing how fast men can run in heels.
What's black, white, black, white, black, brown, black brown, black, black, black, black, black? A nun on a spit
"Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it." ~ Not an old Irish proverb
Don't judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Why do girls like guys who wear shirts with eight buttons? They fascinate.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
If I was Penguin's attorney I'd request bail by saying "He's no flight risk!" Then Hi-5 the whole courtroom but Batman. I'd leave him hangin
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I'm lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
What road do crazy people take? The Pyscho**path**
While working at a lab, I accidentally put a q-tip that had been exposed to pulmonary tuberculosis in my mouth I consumed consumption.
The annoying moment when I get comfy in bed and realize I forgot to do something.
Why is the mushroom so popular? Because he's such a fungi.
Roses are red... Roses are red Violets are red Trees are red Shit my garden is on fire!
What's a woman's favourite brand of Applejack? Dickson Cider
Why did the hipster... Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the hot coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
Women, don't tell us about your boyfriend. He's a guy. We know what he's like.
"God is dead" - Nietzsche "Nietzsche is dead" - God "I'd like to add you to my professional network" - LinkedIn
How many Nazis does it take to screw in 6 million lightbulbs? One. The rest were just following orders.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved at each other.
[about to see a boob for the first time] "ok, play it cool, play it cool. don't say anything stupid" [girl removes bra] "whoopeeee"
Why were the German tomatoes drunk? Because they'd been on the vine.
What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal? I just passed your friend in the woods.
hey look! *picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement* how cool is thi ew why is it wet? "dude, that's a condom"
INTERVIEWER to job applicant: "Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?"
What's so fragile that even mentioning it breaks it? The male ego.
What is a vampires least favorite food? Steak! ...I'll see myself out now.
An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop... The barista asked what he wants, and he replies "Affogato".
imagine if poop was transparent. I'd completely lose my shit
What do you call a tree that smokes weed? Snoop Log
Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
What's the difference between a prostitute and a member of ISIS? One sucks and makes you explode, the other explodes and it sucks
BEYONCE: do u like my album JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i'll be ruined JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I like my women how I like my socks Full of my jizz and forgotten about somewhere
Q. If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building who would hit the ground first? A. The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he's a seasoned vet.
Basic Instinct Star Cast in "The Carpenters" Biopic This summer: SHARON IS KAREN
What do Canadian girls have? Boobehs
[my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.
A joke I told my friend What's the difference between me and your mom? I'm smart.
*knocks on donation door Me: I have a donation Salvation Army: Ma'am, once again... you cannot donate your man Me: You have stupid rules!
I came to Reddit to read some jokes.. It's on the comment section.
Did you hear the one about the perverted statistician? He couldn't get off on the standard deviation
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she's holding a clipboard* god dammit
Whats the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period. You get your palm red for free.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word "hey"
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard* Her: You're... slipping... Me: Pretend I'm the covers. *she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
its illegal to pick beer bottle up off the side of the road they're native artifacts
Why do rabbits always get banned from CS:GO? Because they're always bunny-hopping.
I bought shoes from a second hand shop. They must've belonged to a junkie though because I've been tripping all day.
When I lost my virginity, it was great....... When I finally saw a vagina in real life, it was like meeting a celebrity. I was like "Oh my god! I've seen all your movies!"
I just read an article on the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me So that's it. I'm done. No more reading after today
What's the most popular dance in Warsaw? The pole dance.
On the fifth day to election, the public gave to me... Five Gallup polls Four awful choices Three Trump Steaks Two more WikiLeaks And a cache of Clinton emails!
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you stole daddys car! Why you steal daddys car?! (chappie joke I stole from youtube)
I figured out why so many Islamic Terrorists hate Americans. It's because we all have our dicks out for haram babes
Someone told me that wearing glasses would make me look smarter. No one told me you had to wear clothes too.
I want to be so famous... That I can just go as myself for Halloween.
A hindu murderer was diagnosed with cancer He had murdered 7 children and knew he was going to be reincarnated as a moth due to bad karma. So he reposted old jokes on reddit
Don't describe two completely different things as "apples and oranges" they're both fruit Say something like "elephants and crystal meth"
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really  stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.
What did the mother say to the son after he peed on the toilet seat? urine trouble.
You can tell monopoly's an old game... ...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never  know what might happen.
"Hey, did you see that article about cats invading the internet?" "Yeah, I reddit."
I had a race with an Asian today It was a Thai
Trying 2 improve my self image, so I placed a note on my mirror that reads "objects are smaller than they appear."
[hospital] *crying* Jim it's your turn to change the baby *picks up baby* -Ok brb *comes back holding a black baby* -I think they're onto us
The Universal Miss award goes to Steve Harvey.
What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street? Five after one.
Saw a billboard that said: Don't be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don't be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
How Do You Break Up With Your Girlfriend? www.AshleyMadison.com
I gave my Chinese mate some sweets yesterday... He said, oh these are Haribo! Well if you don't like them, don't eat them then.
*opens fortune cookie* there's rice on your face *grabs wifes and opens it* still there *grabs one from next table* I can do this all night
I had a break-through this morning... I should probably buy thicker toilet paper.
"..all the king's horses & all the king's men couldn't get Humpty together again" *raises hand* What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Barista: got a latte for "Batman"! Is there a "Batman" here? *everyone looks at me* Me [dressed as Batman]: that's not me, my name is Jack
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang Rape
Glare upon the field where I grow my fucks and see that it is baren Seriously they just won't grow
The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids* *Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers* *improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My book on tantric sex finally arrived. Damn thing took ages to come.
The guy in the next urinal peed so hard that a little got on me and I thought "damn this dude is good at peeing"
What do you call a dream about soda? a fanta sea
How do you take a screenshot of a picture of a circumcision? Using the snipping tool
China recently banned girls from eating bananas on live streams... so now the people with hemorrhoids can now get off from girls eating raspberries instead.
How did the raisin have fun at the movies? It took a date....
B OO P Top View, Front View, Side View
What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wassa B.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Noah's flood = God clearing his browser history
*joaquin phoenix croses a street adn almost gets hit by a taxi* *mumbles to himsef* cmon man whyd he try to do that. i mean, im joaquin here
I realized that I'm bisexual... When you buy, I get sexual.
My friend sent her photo to the lonely hearts club They sent it back saying they weren't *that* lonely
What's the worst part about going down on a black girl? Cotton mouth
Why is Mike Pence magic? He can turn fruits to vegetables
I had an argument with a Mobius strip the other day. It was very one-sided.
why are Jews so good at studying ? cause they went to concentration camp !
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50, while deer nuts are under a buck.
Today's word is Legs. Spread the word.
Q: Did you hear about the burned down tree? A: It was ash.
Who sends flowers on Valentines Day?  Cupigs!
I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Today was... ... the best day of the year
apparently syriza gained a lot of support for a NO vote with a online meme campaign beware of greeks bearing GIFs, i say.
Cat: Meow Me: Hi Cat: Meoww *picks up cat* Cat: Meowww *puts cat down* Cat: Meowwww *feeds cat* Cat: Meowwwww Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I hate being bipolar It's awesome
What does your girlfriend and my garage have in common? I pull out of both of them.
Why did the palm tree win the plant race? It was the first to Sago.
The last person who bought golden oreos at my Neighborhood's Walgreens and realized there was an entire row missing. I'm so sorry..
What do you call someone who belongs in the kitchen? A Chef of course...
Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
What's the difference between a whore and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking after it's slapped
When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, "no one cares."
What does a Maple Leads fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup? He turns off his Xbox and goes back to bed.
The Longest joke in the world (sorry if re-post) it's totally worth it! [7 Page Joke](http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2a5xwx/truthmafia.com/archives/1554)
Have you guys seen the new Ray Rice's jersey It's a wife beater
What do you call a piano that approves. A piayes.
Tripped over my friends bra... ..she is always setting booby traps!
I like TV, I was watching Blue Peter today He's my neighbour with a heart condition who was walking his dog. I asked why he didn't have a pacemaker. He replied "I can't even keep up with my dog"...
Codpieces aren't supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Lately I've found my job, building kitchen work surfaces, to be counter productive.
Me: What's the first step of fire safety? 4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks! And it sucks *hard*. (   )
When I grow up and have kids... I think I will stay a virgin to set a good example.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won't fix... Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? We really *do* taste like chicken!
Are you guys all right? No, you're all left. (Stolen from a master comedian from x factor)
Life is like a box of chocolate... You never know what you are going to get, but you can be sure that 99% of it will be crap.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Smack that bitch and tell her to get back to work.
Why did Ahmed take his clock to school? He wanted to see time fly
Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you? *Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*
Please spare me the agony of listening to your relationship problems if you always end up with the same idiot.
I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple Sorry, wrong thread
How do you confuse a jew? Put him in a circular room and tell him there's a quarter in the corner
what did the man say when he saw the chilli that he was about to cut up for his chilli con carne dancing? "My chilli's gone barmy!!!"
What do you tell your wife with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.
Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love... But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...
This bum said everyone who gives him $10 gets a "special" surprise in the alley. My gut says no......but my heart says its a puppy!
66% of being a woman is just hiding the remote when you're mad
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny... So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era.
Watching Grey's Anatomy teaches me that if I'm really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
People who don't understand what I'm trying to say are anti-semantics.
Smiling is disencoursged in my country. It isn't illegal but it is frowned upon.
My roommate recently had me added to her insurance. Not what I was thinking of when we spoke about friends with benefits.
How did you get out of Iraq? Iran
Why did the cyclops quit his job as a teacher? He only had one pupil.
A macaroni and cheese based meal assisted a burger thief. The meal was a hamburglar helper.
Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None They don't make Pampers small enough.
I bet the hardest thing about being a gangsta rapper is never being able to really enjoy a scone in public.
New job I recently got a new job assisting a one-armed typist with capital letters. It was shift work
What's another name for a hemorrhoid? A cock blocker
So a bar walks into a guy 's asshole and the guy is like "Fuck ouch dammit my prostate!"
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
No LinkedIn, I do not want to display my Twitter on my profile. I would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day FRIEND: don't you mean good old days? ME: no, I just had the one
Best Man speech joke help Hi Everyone, Mu buddy is getting married on Indepedence Day and need some help for a good joke for the speech. I am the best man.
Why was the snowman smiling? ...he saw a snowblower coming up the street.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride our bikes!
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, since he's too short to be an ese.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? 16, one to change the bulb, and 15 to form a support group.
I wanted to date a girl once... but as a server admin I couldn't come out of my shell.
My hit song would be "Text Me Only"
Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare
Can I tell you a joke about the wall? Nevermind you'll never get over it.
What do you do with a Jew with ADHD? Put him in a concentration camp.
FRIEND: Try to relate to her. (Later on Date) ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
It sucks not being miserable enough to bust out a good tweet.
A new prisoner meets Elsa in his new cell... A new prisoner meets Elsa in a cell in the prison. He asks her: "Why are you here?" And Elsa answers: "Because they don't let me go."
What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeno business.
Harambe went to a bar Bartender: What can I get you today? Harambe: May I get a martini? Me: Just ice for Harambe. Harambe: Just ice? Me: Justice for Harambe.
My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall... ...I said maybe.
Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits untill you are 14 before it comes in your face.
I think the royal baby will be called Diana She'll be crashing into our lives any minute now.
- You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!! - Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Why is Jennie McCarthy so bad at RPG's? The last time her son had a healing potion he lost 15 IQ Points.
I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food
The awkward moment when you're wearing Nike's and can't do i
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That'll show em'.
My college bar had a "Blow your GPA" drink special night until all the Asian students died...
My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
What do you call a cow with no nipples? Udderly pointless
Apparently Kevin Bacon was killed last night. . . And they're charging the shooter with 6th degree murder. . .
I was shocked to walk in on my son playing with his privates... Those toy soldiers were supposed to be his surprise birthday gift...
What kind of tumors do tough guys get? Heman-giomas
married sext... him: I'll be home soon her: don't you threaten me
I'm writing a horror movie about realizing that I left my phone at home.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
What do you have when life gives you melons? Dyslexia.
I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to "Have a nice day"
My mom learning how to use twitter is like the raptors figuring out how to open doors in Jurassic Park.
Pizza places, we don't want cheesy bread. Pizza is cheesy bread.
"Any minute now. Any minute..." -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood
I can't remember whether I threw a boomerang or not... It'll come back to me.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World] Ok, show me this so-called "haunted mansion"
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
Being the President is seriously stressful. Kennedy lost his mind!
Death toll in Orlando club shooting hits 50 Most of the survivors found were in the closet.
I used to be in a band called Blank Cheque. After three years we were still unsigned.
If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?
The best thing about being productive is going to bed knowing you did something. Or I think that's how productive people feel. I don't know.
[NSFW] Gay dad John: Bill, I just found out that my dad is gay. Bill: Oh? How'd you find out? John: His dick tasted like shit.
mailman: ahhh nothing quite like returning home from a long day delivering m- [gets attacked by his own dog]
Bad news for women: there's a glass ceiling. Good news for women: that's one more thing you get to Windex!
Research shows that, on average, men tend to write longer sentences than women. They don't get periods.
Knock Knock.. Who's there? Knock Knock.. Who's there? Knock Knock.. Who's there? Open the door! I'm the pilot.
Want a pudding pop? I don't give a fuck if you want it or not. Stop crying. You're gonna take this motherfucking pudding pop.
What do you get when a Mexican and Muslim have a child? A kid who loves halalpenos
Kangaroo can jump higher than a house Mostly because houses can't jump
How much do used batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.
So I learned how to count yesterday.... It was as easy as 1, 2, 8
Me to waitress: Do you validate? Waitress: Parking, you mean? Me: No. Like, can I read you some tweets and you tell me if you like them?
A duck walks into a bar... The bartender says "Hey, your pants are down."
What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist? A poke-mon! Pls don't hurt me.
What did the bat say to the other bat when he almost flew into a tree? Whoa did you hear that?
How many cops does it take to beat up a light bulb? None. That light bulb fell down the stairs.
How do fish party Seaweed
I was on a first date. "How many women have you slept with?" she asked. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?" "Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed. I said, "0."
It's amazing how few people list "The Hospital" as their emergency contact.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing Bad news: It's not my mind that I want blown
You should always buy very high end speakers It's a sound investment
A woman walks into a hospital... for a routine checkup on her pregnancy. The nurse looks at her file and says "Oh! Twins! Were they spontaneous?" The woman replies "No, we had sex first."
Asked my girlfriend Shanon to tell me which fast food restaurant best describes my dick. She said Chick-fil-A, which was pretty clever, but the correct answer was Wendy's.
Online dating is like a bakery You've got the flakes, the fruitcakes, and the tarts.
What does a black policeman says when he looks in the mirror? Oh shit a cop!
If Gillette made toilet paper, we'd be up to 4 or 5 plys by now.
You think you know all about fractions... But you don't know the half of it.
I bought a bowflex, it's very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
What does a two-headed cat say?? Weow!
What did the dog say to the vet that just castrated him? No hard feelings.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane? osMoses
My friend just graduated from her ballet course in university. She got a (2:2)
Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?
What do you call a cow's mate? Its significant *udder*.
It's amazing how much us guys complain about women and then we fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't a chicken.
Some guy at a party asked me, "Who's cheese is on those chips?" [Fixed] And I said, "Well, obviously *na-chos*." Get it? It sounds like '*not yours*' with an accent.
What do you call A Bohemian Lumberjack? ...A *Blogger.* ( I'll see myself out.. :)
Why does a girl who uses chewing tobacco give the best head? Because she's knows what to spit and what to swallow.
What do you call a dead chicken that's haunting your house? A poultrygeist
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
How many skin divers does it take to circumcise a whale? 4 skin divers
wife: "remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?" me: [making cup of tea] "no im not" burglar: "two sugars please"
What did the leper say to the prostitute? you can keep the tip
Which blood type was created by mistake? Type O.
TIL if you buy the new MacBook Pro There is no escape.
Grandma keeps staring longingly through the window since it started snowing... ...Maybe It's time to let her back inside.
*guy getting eaten by a shark* Guy: I just wanted to say I'm Vegan. Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Why do slovaks don't like Czechs? They prefer cash.
I was having sex with a girl the other day, I was getting tired so I asked her to go on top... She replied "you haven't raped anyone before have you".
I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero" Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?" Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"
Why did the comedian go to doctor? Because the audience gave him the clap
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? A: He had no body to go with.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes. Luke: OK. Vader: On second thought, don't. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Just walked FACE FIRST into a spider's web on my porch. Shoutout to my neighbors who now think I love showing off my frantic break dancing.
What's the most offensive joke you've ever heard?
I'm on pace to see 3.7 million Aflac commercials this college football season.
What did the triangle say to the preacher? Forgive me father for I have sin().
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so rude...
My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn't want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should've been more specific.
Finally found out why MTV doesn't do crossover episodes The FCC had some serious problems with "Pimp my Pregnant 16 Year Old."
Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What did Melania Trump have on her Black Friday shopping list? A copy of everything Michelle Obama had on her list
Why the USA get silver in synchronized diving? Because Steele Johnson always comes second.
Why do beta fish fight each other? Because they're trying to figure out who's the betta fish
Q: How do dogs order eggs at restaurants? A: Pooched.
Would Orlando Bloom? No, but Elijah Wood.
A woman at Wal-mart said she was better than me. I told her to get off her high scooter.
ME: So. You from around here? HER: Yes. You're in my bedroom closet.
People don't approve when I run up to them in the street &amp; try to make plaster casts of their faces. At least that's the impression that I get.
I just referred to tongs as 'food tweezers' in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common? In both people don't feel like showering.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN'T SPELL.
The last time I had a conversation about the Hindenburg It went up in flames.
My friend died from eating too much waterfowl I thought he had lived a good, happy life He told me that he was full of Egrets
Two dyslexics run into a bank... and they shout "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"
I thought yesterday was going to be pretty boring... But it sure started off with a bang.
Who are the world's fastest readers? The 911 victims. They went through 50 stories in a minute. I'm so sorry
The worst thing about rich people is that I'm not one of them.
Two women are sitting together quietly . . .
What's the darkest joke you know? No limits who can disgust me the most? Best part of fucking 21 year olds? Theres 20 of them
I had a friend who claimed he didn't see race... I didn't believe him until the 5K incident
Sometimes when I'm alone in my room I squat down, grab hold of my ankles and lean forward. Coz that's how I roll.
A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.
I am glad ... that everyone reading this is on the same page.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved
Q: What do you call a brunette and three  blondes in a corner? A: You don't you see if you've got 3 condoms.
How many Amish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One... I mean, they aren't fucking retarded.
What does Sean Connery say when he has to go number 2? "I've got a shituation"
I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn't be president and Trump said "hold my beer, watch this"
What is the difference between jelly and jam? (NSFW) I can't jelly my cock down your mothers throat...
Ever heard of the comedian who died gasping for air after his routine? He joked to death.
Did you know they are making an action movie about the great composers? Arnold Schwarzeneggar says he'll be Bach.
How do you know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snow Balls
Ikea Meatballs There certainly a sweDISH
How long is a 0 or 1? Just a little bit.
Can we please stop with the holocaust jokes? My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell off the guard tower.
On a scale of 1 to 10 How old is your girlfriend?
I'm Absolutely Certain by R. U. Sure
Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. 
Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Math jokes never work on me I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.
I saw your wife cheating on you. Sure? What was she wearing? A white and gold dress. Uff, what a relief, she was wearing a black and blue one.
Did you hear about the sale of lesbian beds at IKEA? No nuts or screwing; just tongue in groove
My girlfriend hired a midget to play the keyboards at my birthday party I think she misunderstood me. I did not say I wished I had a 12 inch pianist.
The milk in my fridge is so old it thinks Elvis Presley's dancing is inappropriate.
Some Muslim extremists just rammed a boat into the Thames Barrier. Experts believe it's the start of Ramadam.
An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts? No, he said. Arthritis.
When does the narwhal bacon? Not on January 18th.
My daughter just said, "Daddy, you're good looking & not fat like other dads." She's only 10, but we're headed to the BMW dealership now.
Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison? A: Some asshole brings 'em in.
What do you call an Asian lady with a Mixmaster on her head? Brenda
How do hipsters measure weight? In Instagrams.
A woman lights a cigarette after intercourse "Do you ever smoke after sex?" she asks her husband. "I've never checked."
On this day in 1947 Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier, whereas Obama did nothing for America in ALL of 1947.
When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken... it was hard to grasp.
Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare?  Because he was skint.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine &amp; a small child? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window...
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album. In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning "You mean Diabetes?" Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases ooh
What do you call a guy with no arms &amp; no legs laying in a pile of leaves? Russel
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth. Come back when you're less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.
fart liner "Did you hear what that asshole said?" "No, What?" "Oh Shit!"
thousamds of yrs ago i used up mankind's only wish & got peas placed on this earth. all the wars coud hav been prevented if i hadnt mumbled
You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying, "I just find it funny how..." because there's a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.
Me: are you serious? GF: yes I can't take it anymore, you're too unpredictable Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?
Yo mammas so fat When she fell in the grand canyon she got stuck in between
How do you kill a one-legged fox? You make him run across Canada...
How do you know someone went to Harvard? They tell you.
Whats long brown and sticky? A stick
What is the most inappropriate thing to say to someone who just lost their job? You had one job.
Why do black men hate posting on reddit? Because they can't deny that their comment was the parent.
[phone rings in 1984] "Eric get the phone" Hello? "Tell em I'm not home." She's not home. "Ask who it is." My mom wants to know who this is.
After Babe Ruth died, the world became ruthless.
What is the meaning of trust? A cannibal giving you a blowjob
What's the difference between my porn stash and Call of Duty? One is full of screaming 10 year old boys and the other is Call of Duty.
A man walks into a bar He says "ouch!"
Which Spanish superhero has three wives? Amor-Man
I can odd. But I can't even.
2 Part Fish Joke What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Dam. What did the fish's friend say when he ran into the wall? Dumb Bass
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk? An udder failure
Why was the blond late on her first day of work? Because she stopped taking the pill about a month earlier.
Why did the photographer get arrested? He was charged with shooting kids and framing the parents.
Her: What's your fantasy? Me: Sexy nurse! H: Meet me in the bedroom. [10 minutes later] *we both come in wearing nurse costumes* M: Uh.
So I asked my North Korean friend how's life there He said he can't complain
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I'll do is run through those paper walls pretending I'm the Kool-Aid man.
JOKE: How does a woman go about inventing a lightbulb? She gives birth to a son.
I have determined that the origin of monkeys on earth must be Neptune... ...because it is the ape planet in our solar system!
You know you're married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Q: what did one ass cheek say to the other? A: together we can stop this shit
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I'll ask him; "so how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Japan's flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I value your opinion as long as you don't offer it
What is similar between a strip club and the Artic The poles are cold and then they are getting warmer.
Why doesn't Bill Cosby like women's flip flops? ...because he can't lace them.
Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man
Satan's greatest trick is convincing you he's not real but there's a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Why did Hitler need to get a new car? His was Stalin.
Do you like warts? No. Don't worry. They'll grow on you.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY! "What's that?" It...it's a sawed-off shotgun. "Aren't you supposed to use the other half?" ...shit.
How does a racist joke start? A small loan of a million dollars.
What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy ? Hoppalong Cassidy !
What happened when the red ship and the blue ship crashed They were marooned
How do you know Tiger Woods is one of the richest people in the world? He plays golf.
So my new Quantum Computer finally arrived today... ...inside the box, all I found was a dead cat :(
i had an asthma attack with all that wheezing you would of thought i would have heard them hiding
Tower: Shamu two-two please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok let's see... I think Tuesday would be nice...
If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell "what about the baby!" You'll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they'd make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Hey, strippers named "Elantra". It's too late to grow some self respect but at least read Car and Driver before picking a name.
The one thing that all women find attractive ...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait
I was Going to tell a Racist Joke... But then my black friend stole them all.
What day do soldiers hate the most? March Fourth
When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.
What's the difference between Ellen Pao and a pitbull? Lipstick
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Some obscure number you've never heard of
I'm at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I've ever tried.
I've been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
what happens when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? about halfway
What do punctuation marks win in competitions? Apos-trophies
Jurassic World Fight That fight scene at the end was really intense. I can't help but think those dinos will be sore tomorrow.
Help stop domestic violence... Each year, 1 in 5 people are violently domesticated
My new house has special needs It has a re-tarred driveway.
I wish my girlfriend went down as much... as the pound did last night.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use Lubricant.
I tried telling a joke my friend from Baghdad told me. Unfortunately, Iraqed it.
What do you call a bunch of Christmas nuts bragging about their sex lives in a hotel lobby? Chestnuts boasting in an open foyer.
There are two types of people Those who use false dichotomies, and those who don't.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
TGIF  Tongue goes in First
"prepare for battle" they said Yet they didnt prepare themselves
What do get when you cross a Jehovah's witness and a Hells Angel? Someone who knocks on your front door and tells you to piss off.
The Navy should develop something based on "gaydar" that would allow ships & planes to recognize approaching objects.
Did you hear about the hard working sander company that refuses to give their workers kneepads. Aka Bernie Sanders.
I lost 42 pounds!!! Help me find her before her mother comes back!
What do you call a Korean with special needs? Special K
I hate it when I'm at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
Remember the guy who played in the deer hunter, and pulp fiction? Christopher something or other... Anyway, I heard that he's opening a new hospital. They're calling it the Walken clinic.
What is Obama's last name? care
I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.
What has 100 legs and sixteen teeth? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time... She's never getting her nose back.
I'm sure it's just a coincidence that pop music has gotten shittier since we started picking our artists on game shows.
Thinking about going as a prostitute for Halloween, but confused about at what point turning a trick becomes a treat.
No sin mi supervision Jaimito Mama mama! Puedo usar el coche? -No sin mi supervision Jaimito! -Ui perdon por no tener superpoderes como tu!! jajaja
Shakira's hips just told me 9/11 was an inside job and now I don't know what to believe.
Thanks to Volkswagen, I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but fell asleep. Edit: WOW my top post is now a bestiality joke. Thanks guys :)
Hey baby, are you a parking ticket? because i'm not going to pay you
The Suicide Bomber Teacher said to his student... "Come here and listen closely, I'm only gonna show you this once"...
Heard this one from my trumpet playing band director Does anyone know the Trumpeteer handshake? "Hi, I'm better than you"
What's the temperature in Motown right now? Three degrees, four tops
I'm hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I just passed by Canadian citizenship test! I got an eh +
Do cannibals try to eat gymnasts... for a more balanced diet?
Cyclists who don't obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.
My friend told me this one Q: Why is it so hard to make up your mind on what to get in an Italian restaurant? A: There are just too many pastabilities!
No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don't know how math or blessings work.
My lesbian neighbors got me two fake Rolex for my birthday.... I guess they misunderstood when I told them I wanted to watch
If Philae finds an inhabitant on the comet what would be its first words? I'm a Comedian ^((because people from Mars are Martians)^) ^^And. ^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out
What do you call 2 lambs dating? A relationSHEEP.
If Bernie Sanders has more delegates but still gets denied by the DNC... ...that would be unpresidented.
I'm worried, about that one cute sweet innocent girl who keeps liking my fb post.
Was driving to work this morning and saw a pluming truck with the best slogan ever. Had to share... J&amp;S Plumbing: Because sometimes a flush is better than a full house.
What do you call a techno-themed grocery store? Gigi D'Agostino
BEST JOKE EVER Just a corny joke I though off. Hope it brings a smile to your day (: Why was Justin Biber in Frozen? Cuz aparently he likes "snow".
I owe a lot of money to a couple people you don't want to owe money to.... ... the winners of my fantasy football league
Short, but good nonetheless A midget philanthropist
What's the difference between good sex and anal? Good sex makes your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.
ME: [bumps man] MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry ME: No MAN: Then I'll see you in court ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won't
What's the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut? About 3 weeks.
When is decency going to be cool again?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
What's the opposite of shell shock? Shell expectation
A redditor and his friend, Elle, walk into a bar... The redditor notices a jar of mayonnaise on the bar, so he says, "Hey, Elle, a mayo!"
Alexander Godunov Is Alexander a good dancer?
An obgyn was fired from his job So decided to become a comedian, but he failed at that as well. I guess he just always screwed up the delivery...
What did the Chinese man in an unhappy marriage say when he found out his wife faked her death? "I never bereaved her anyways."
I like my coffee black... like it's waiting for it's welfare check.
What is a chinese pirate an expert at? Flying a plane.
Envelope containing poop. Sorry for the shit post.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies.
Where do you guys stand on the cheese debate? I'm staunchly pro-volone.
I went to the largest campsite in germany it was mein kampf by blitz creek
Just been chatting to my neighbor's teenage daughter It turns out she's really into aliens and UFOs Which is cool because tommorow she's getting abducted
I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. Complete waist of time.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'
I basically have three hairstyles. 1. Straight 2. Wavy 3. Homeless
If you gave me a blowjob while in the shower, I'd probably shampoo and condition your hair while you do it.
[buzzfeed 1776] 21 Declarations You Won't Believe!
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean in my bed.
Pussy Me: Let me tell you a joke. Me: Pussy. You: ... Me: Do you get it? You: No.. Me: Exactly.
I was told that tipping your server is normal in America But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.
Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They've obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.
Whats green, three inches long and smells like bacon? Kermit the frogs middle finger.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
*Power goes out* Wife: I can't see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? None.
What do you call a really nice sex addict? Compassionate.
Gay jokes aren't funny Cum on guys
What do you call a dog that doesn't eat meat? A vegiterrier!
Girlfriend went to the neurologist to get a brain scan yesterday. Nothing showed up.
Marriage is like a deck of cards In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond... By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
Law of attraction to females If I had a nickel for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
"Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down." - the guy that invented the pen
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh.....it's fine. Forget about it. Seriously don't worry about it. I'm fine sitting here in the dark.
how do you mathematically describe the tempo of global warming? Al Gore Rhythm
What is the best way to receive downvotes on reddit? Wohahaha! That was funny! XD
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.
I truly believe that there are some people who listen to you when you talk and there's other people who just wait for it to be their turn.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
My wife said she wanted to die naturally. So I shot her and she died, naturally.
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar... The bartender looks up at them and says "Oh, not you two again.".
Marriage in New Jersey should be between a tan and a woman.
The "D" boy: spell "me" girl: M-E boy: but you forgot the D girl: there's no D in me boy: not yet ;)
Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
Who did the pirate lose his virginity to? His first mate.
I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing food at her.
Today is world piles day Get yourself checked. If you don't have piles, celebrate for being a "perfect asshole" If you do have piles, still celebrate, for being a "pain in the ass"
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet. You: Me: You: It's a lot more than 10x. Me: Don't ruin this.
What do you do to backwards scented muffins? sniffum
I said hi to Ellen Pao today She told me to stop being sexist
When the ex asks to be friends... it's like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Dwarf Shortage I know, it's a short joke
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
Did you know that Helen Kellet was born near Troy, Alabama? I guess that's why they called her ... yhe little deaf girl who couldn't see neither
What do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary? He got a way with words.
Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who's celebrating their 12th birthday?
My gf texted me "myspacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Do any of you know what "ternative" means?
My wife tried on a new dress and turned to me and said, "I look fat, can you give me a compliment?" "You have perfect eyesight", I replied.
What's the difference between black people and cancer? The cancer evolves.
You can tell a movie is going to be funny if one is the characters is shrugging in the poster. Because shrugging people will do anything!
What do you call two crows together? Attempted murder.
Why was the centipede dropped from the insect  football team ? He took too long to put his boots on !
What do women and pine trees have in common? Every time you try to get on one, they ruin it by getting sappy.
My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.
What the worst part about pulling a hair clump from the drain of the apartment you just moved into? Waiting for it to dry so you can glue it to your sex doll
What do you call two Mexicans fighting one another Juan on Juan
What is it called when a bull made of snow eats explosives? A bomb in a bull snowman.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken.
What did the pastry chef say to his apprentice? "Know your roll!"
Where is the best place to hide a hippie's weed? Under the soap.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear zippers.
Why was Cloud trying to cheer up Sky? He looked a little blue
My Saturday was going pretty well... Until I realised it was Sunday
How do nuns surf the web? On the Hymnternet.
Just wrote "except for you, spiders >:(" on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uhfailure
George Carlin appeared to me in a dream and asked me "How can there be such a thing as a one-way street when you can obviously cross a street either way?"
My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats Prophets are through the roof
The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms &amp; Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.
How come the T Rex was an excellent stenographer? short hands..
I'd completely forgotten I had a boomerang It just came back to me.
I was hanging out with some lesbians... Yes, I do have a penis. But don't worry, I won't hold it against you.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. 
What's the difference between a Lambo and 1,000 dead babies? I dont have a Lambo in my Garage...
I had to quit my job as a Microsoft delivery man It got awkward telling people I was giving word to their mother.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up? Me: Let's not rush things, OK?
school is like a boner School is like a boner its long and hard, unless your Asian
[Girl over my house] "My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?" [Unclipping my harmonica holder] Def not.
What's the difference between a optimist, a pessimist and a realist? The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The pessimist sees nothing. And the realist sees the train.
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment? tenants.
What is the difference between a grizzly bear and a limp dick? There isn't one, you can't fuck with either one.
A joke about pi? Nah this joke just goes on forever  -------------------
A philosopher says to the linguist... "What if, instead of periods, woman had apostrophes?" The linguist replied, "They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions."
There are 10 kinds of people in this world... ...those who understand binary and those who don't
I hate when people ask me what I'm see myself doing in 5 years... Its not like I have 2020 vision.
[tweets about one side of an issue to my followers who all agree with me already] hell yes I'm making a difference
Doctor Doctor I think I'm an adder  Great can you help me with my accounts then please!
I wish I was able to argue about something as strongly as women do about nothing.
I have developed an intolerance to gluten- -free people
Who would you save first? Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!
I sprayed a spider in my house with Axe, to try and kill it. But now it's name is Chad, and he's fucking my girlfriend...
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss... but you won't miss. You've trained your whole life for this. Take the shot. Kill the moon.
When god created Adam, she said: "I've got good news and bad news.... ...good news is, I'm giving you a penis AND a brain. Bad news is, I'm only giving you enough blood to use one at a time."
Just got banned from B&amp;Q, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!! Lucky I got the first punch in.
Jesus Christ.. ...
Why do Mexicans love six flags ... Because they can get a abortion and go on rides
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
How do you know the passengers of the missing plane are alive? A new season of lost is out now!
Instead of saying, "YOLO", try saying, "Carpe Diem". You won't sound like a douche andddd, you won't sound like a douche.
You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants.
What do call you it when a butt pirate calls another butt pirate on the phone? Booty call.
Two guys walk into a bar... "Ouch!"
A beautiful lady once asked me what I like in a woman. I got six months for indecent exposure.
I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Got my hair done again. I'm so blonde now I can barely spell my last name.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Wheelchair tax The new tax on wheelchairs has been met with major resistance, with some users refusing to stand for it.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
There is no "I" in the word "team," but I don't think that means anything about team work. That's just how it's spelled.
Why did the boy fall off the bike? Someone threw a fridge at him.... Gold
What is Somailias national dish? An empty plate
Did you hear about that celebrity who committed suicide? Reese whatsername? "Witherspoon?" "No, with a knife!" Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)
Do you think all these parents who named their daughters after flowers really gave much thought to how much teenage boys like to pluck?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The police just released a statement that someone is going around pickpocketing midgets. I'm surprised someone could stoop so low.
A donkey falls into a bowl of sugar... Now, that's a sweet ass.
An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away.... A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? [Click here for the punchline](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1yya5x/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/)
People say you are what you eat..... So I guess it's a compliment when someone calls you a cunt
I found out my vacation to Greece is tax deductible Apparently it falls under charity work
Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.
Overheard in the nucleus... Q: Are you sure you're a proton? A: Yes, I'm positive.
Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill first thing in the morning? She wants to be the first lady.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? Plump kin!
I got catcalled by the garbagemen outside my house this morning... They know a good piece of trash when they see one.
A man was masturbating for 48 days straight until finally he blew his load It was a long time coming.
DAEEM GURRL . . . you must be suicidal thoughts, cause you've been running through my mind all day. - Jim Hamilton
I've learned a lot about women. Ex: if you're going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you'd better stop on the way
did you hear about the kid who read a book about anti gravity? He just couldn't **put it down!**
My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.
Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has.
I started a business putting explosives in prayer mats Prophets are though the roof.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his cup of free-trade coffee? Because he started drinking it before it was cool.
The FDA is banning trans fats because they're bad for you... but OJ has actually killed people!
BIDEN: I'mma punch him when he comes here. OBAMA: No, Joe. Don't do that. BIDEN: Punch him round the back. OBAMA: Joe. BIDEN: Kick, then.
What's a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.
How do you get Pikachu on the bus? Poke 'em on!
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time-consuming.
Sarah Jessica Parker? Horse.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.
Who was the winner of the first Tour De France? The Wehrmacht Tank division.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
HELP! I just sent my girlfriend a dick pic... and she just sent me one back.
Dear every hip hop artist: No, I don't know what you're saying. Maybe if you ask me another 36 times before the song is over.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair...
Did you hear about the dinner on the moon? Great food no atmosphere.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn't reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg? Irene.
45 min phone call w/8yo nephew: Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula...
Why wouldn't the shrimp share his toys? Because he is a little shellfish.
Coffee is so addicted to me, it can't wait to get in my belly. In its defense, my belly is awesome.
Panic rooms are a great way to protect yourself during home invasions or like if you forget your wife's birthday.
What would Martin Luther King be if he was white? Alive. He would be alive.
Doctor Doctor I keep seeing double. Please sit on the couch. Which one!
What dog is the worst at polishing a turd? A poodull
What is the best contraceptive for old people? Nudity
[donald trump wakes up from getting his wisdom teeth removed. his mouth stuffed with gauze] did i builded the big walls yet?
I ate a salad today and it contained both eggs and chicken I didn't know where to start.
In 2017 I'm going to start eating healthy again. This marks the end of my cheat decade.
Why are all the girls in my school dressed up like OP,s mom?
On Christmas morning I want to eat Eggs Benedict out of a hubcap. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
"Yes mam that'll be $1200" "Just to remove a cassette tape that's stuck?" "Ma'm, it's in your CD player"
Did you know that when a pigeon has sex it dies? Well the one that I fucked did
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap. Dirty bastards.
Saying that you were touched by Jesus... ...is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.
I keep getting a message that "Twitter is having issues"nnGood job guys...we drove twitter crazy!
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor
Sports: So how's the shoestring game goin'? Right now, it's ***ALL TIED-UP!*** Oh my-oh-my! I couldn't find a cornylamejokes subreddit, so... ~Skip
Why was 6 afraid of 7? It was known for blowing up for no reason
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
An old man went to the doctor The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's." The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
My wife wanted me to see the world from a woman's perspective... So I stood next to the kitchen window.
*walks up to IKEA return counter *rips receipt into tiny pieces *tells the clerk to put it together himself
This morning, 50 Cent announced he's filing for bankruptcy. He also announced he'll be touring with Nickelback to recoup 10% of his losses.
"STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG" I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. "This is NOTHING like Twilight!!"
Q: Where do books eat dinner? A: At the table of contents.
Why Trump is the most religious president in United States history? He got Every Juan praying!
What did you have for breakfast? Pea Soup Q: What did you have for lunch? A: Pea Soup Q: What did you have for dinner? A: Pea Soup Q: What did you do all night? A: Pee soup...
Those "Smoking Kills" stickers on cigarette packs would be more effective saying "Smoking Kills Puppies with a power drill covered in bees."
How does Moses make tea? He brews it.
Throughout history they've removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah "Loofifer."
If my dying plant is any indication, I probably don't water my dog enough... Oh fuck, where's my kid?
The cow says "moo", the horse says "neigh"... The dog says "That person...Edward..."
Your momma so ugly ... Not even Ripley can believe it
A Limbo Champion Walks Into a Bar. He loses his title.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from? Me: (pause) Europe.
My Son's #1 Concern When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, "Do I have to drink it?"
You mail one pig fetus with a note saying "I'm oinkers for you!" attached, and suddenly you're 'psycho'. Whatever.
How do you know your at a gay bbq? Hotdogs taste like shit
Q.How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb? A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
4yo: What happened to the fish? Me: It drowned. 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.
They said I'd have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I'm REALLY into frogs.
What is a french bakers lifestyle like? Its a life of pain
Why did the devil buy so many shoes? He wanted their soles.
Q: "Hey Dad, how was your business trip to Southeast Asia?" A: "Terrible son. In fact, It was downright Laosy"
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it's little Lego friends.
"Welcome to the jungle" Thanks. "We've got fun and games" Cool. "You're in the jungle" We've established this "You're gonna die!" Wait what?
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Is this a joke?"
An Indian diabetic wasn't following his diet... You could say that he was naan-compliant.
A new report says that the average U.S. University Freshman reads at a 7th grade level. To any College Freshmen out there, big words say you can't read big words.
A picture is worth three, maybe four words tops.
Jesus loves you. These are beautiful words to hear in a church, and absolutely horrifying ones to hear in a Mexican prison.
What do old people often do? Die
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"
Too sick to walk to the drugstore. Anyone have a recipe for turning meth back into cold medicine?
"Wow, I haven't showered since last year!" "Haha good one, but it's not the new year yet" "I know..."
Kanye West always looks like someone just told him a movie spoiler.
2 dads walk into a bar... One turns to the other and says "that hurt".
Did you hear about the scarecrow that got an award? It was for being outstanding in his field.
2 Goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I just mixed peanut butter and Nutella together in case anyone's curious why I've suddenly started attending church.
*crawls seductively across bed* *elbow gives out*
How do you tell... How do you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
I went to a seafood disco last week I ended up pulling a mussel.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world 1) Those who are bad at maths 2) Those that are good at maths
I just found out I'm an amateur nudist. I thought I was pretty good at it but apparently if you don't have the right certifications they'll call the mall security.
Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that's sad. But 100% of married people will die, and isn't that a greater tragedy?
Why deal with the petty hassles of being in an actual relationship when you can watch Corona commercials and remember why you're single?
I lied awake all last night waiting for the sun to come up... And then it dawned on me.
I'm the cat whisperer. because I whisper, "I could kill you with my bare hands" to them daily.
Keep the Earth clean! Its not Uranus.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda? A berry bubbly bunny.
What does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella for? Fo Drizzle!
3 Politicians go to Heaven...
Want to depress yourself? Realize that someday Tom Hanks will die. Want to cheer yourself up? Remember that right now, Tom Hanks is alive.
What does 90 year old Pu$$y taste like? Depends...
Did some Doomsday Prepping today Have enough food for 71 minutes
Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.
When is a door a container? When it is ajar!
Why do Women rub their eyes when they wake up? (NSFW) A: They don't have balls to scratch!!
What do you call a popular joke on reddit a repost
Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I heard this joke about a guy who gave oral sex to his sister's daughter. It was a real niece lapper.
Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
What do Hillbillies do for Halloween? They pump kin
What does Jerry Sandusky and a Silver Medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind!
In 1987, we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope... ...now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
My friend and I had this never-ending argument in a swimming pool in France Turned into a total piscine contest
Why does Bono sing acapella when he's feeling down? It takes the edge off it
Two blondes walking down the hood and one said:   -Wait.. I smell sperm... someone is fu*king nearby!!...  The other one responded:   -Nah, I just belched
"Ejaculate" shouldn't just be strictly a sexual term. I should be able to "ejaculate" out of a restaurant (leave quickly).
If the skin on your elbow is called a weenus... Is the skin on your knee called a knee-nus? (I'm so sorry)
How does the queen bee get around the hive? She's throne.
When Trump build a wall what would the US become? Attack on Titans...
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn't see a sign saying you couldn't park on pedestrians.
Baby, it's cold outside. I checked my weather app.
If "bae" means bacon and eggs then yes, I'm chilling with my bae
I told my jewish friend a Holocaust Joke... It Holocaust me our friendship.
Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you're well travelled, girls love it! Later Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here
How do you re-use a condom? Turn it inside out, and shake the fuck out of it.
What do you call a fedora wearing neck beard president's wife? First M'lady
Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt. "That was dope!"
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Live today like it's your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.
I like my coffee like I like my presidents. Not orange
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty? Me: Is that water or vodka? Him: Vodka. Me: Empty.
So I went to an Ethiopian restaurant last week... and I am still waiting for the food.
Why do Jews have big noses? Why not? Air is free anyway!
Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
I heard they're installing over 15,000 CCTV cameras in New Delhi for Obama's visit. That's ridiculous, it's not like he's going to steal anything.
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex... I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
Why do bananas get all the ladies? Because they have appeal
What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow? Total Eclipse of a Fart
I just burned 2000 calories! That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven and take a nap.
"If you love the bed so much why don't you marry it?" *imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy. No one can stop our love now.
Someone's deodorant is not working... And I know it's not me because I'm not wearing any.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian. Idiot.
Helen Keller wouldnt know what a dick was if it hit her in the face.
To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous. You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.
I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
So I saw Cuba Gooding Jr. at my local Walmart He was comparing Old Spice Sport to Old Spice Original Scent when I slapped those bottles out of his hand and told him, "No soap, Radio."
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most. Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.
I once had a friend named Chance... But he was just too damn unreliable... I'll show myself out, stage right
A physics teacher accidentally walks into the psychology classroom on her first day... Whoops wrong sub
How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? She can wear your wife's clothes.
Conjunctivitis.com Now there's a site for sore eyes.
What's the difference between a good joke and a woman? The good joke doesn't get a black eye when you tell it a second time.
What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on? Cot-on-wool.
The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.
Why is Hillary Clinton running for President? Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement
Sometimes it seems like Anthony Weiner doesn't even have a sense of Huma.
When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick? Nah brah, tadah brah!
What do you call a clown and a crook rolling in feces? The US elections.
Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.
Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she's resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Why do credit cards not work in France? They don't understand the concept of charging.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985] Jesus: Let's do unlimited breadsticks. CEO: How can we supply that many? Jesus: *winks at camera*
I feel there's still hope for this world every time my computer's spellcheck doesn't recognize Kardashian.
What do you call a woman who turn straight guys into gay? Spatula.
Buy Domino's Fire everyone Hire dragons Fire roasted pizzas Delivery in six minutes or less IMAGINE DRAGONS
Where does geography and geography meet? The Bermuda Triangle.
WALKING DEAD JOKE (Harsh) I was going to say a compliment about beth but i'm afraid it would go strait to her head.
For all you Engineers out there; A statically indeterminate beam walks into a bar, the bartender asks: "What do you want?" The beam replies: "Oh, just give me a moment."
How do you call fish with no eyes fsh
I got sacked from the dodgems. I'm going to take them to court and win the case based on funfair dismissal.
Did you hear what ubisoft rated assassins creed black flag? They rated it ARrrrrrrr 16.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long? The can't handle stares.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Coda ! Coda who ? Coda paint !
An illegal immigrant and a pedophile got into a fight... It was the real life version of Alien vs Predator
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. Their kids were nothing to look at either.
Go into a bathroom stall and write: "For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice."
My wife told me she used to be a lesbian once "You mean I turned you?" I asked with a grin. "No...." she replied wistfully. "I just ran out of money."
Girl, are you pre-Renaissance art? Because you need to get some perspective.
"Toilet joke * Dirty "Toilet joke" [Dirty] if it's yellow let it mellow if it's brown let it drown if it's red.... you could of spread?
What would you call a terrible piece of gold? Absolutely Auful!
What is the most violent element of the periodic table? Ni, because Ni for an eye
Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order" to "launch order."
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than a surprise party.
I'm going to be late I'm at the hospital getting my hymen restored, so I'm a bit de-laid.
Even after all the crap that's gone between them. They're still together. My butt cheeks :)
Allstate just sent me a safe driver bonus check for 73 cents so I guess good things do happen to good people.
Sometimes I just get the urge to belt out The Lion Sleeps Tonight. After all, it's only a whim away.
Jared was a good eater But he always left a little behind
Looking for a joke: irish dinner potatoe Pretty close, but need to know the exact joke about irish dinner consisting of potatos and beer
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would... 1995: ...leave it, toilets are gross Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket full of shit? The bucket.
Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies
Go ahead and cremate your grandma, you've urned it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.
*PLOT TWIST* Breaking Bad last ep. Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
What did the hooker say in the shower after a long day at work? That was a huge load off my back
How guys wake up In the morning Brain: "Oh f*ck." Body: "Don't get up." Dick: "THIS IS SPARTAA!!!"
Constantly saying "I don't care about sports" is a form of caring about sports
Q: Why are elephants gray? A: So you don't get them confused with blueberries.
Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.
What's the most dangerous place in an Excel file? C4
What do you call a Mexican Jedi? A Padajuan
Charlie Brown decided to wear transparent pants one day... ...and when Lucy saw him she said "I always thought you were a blockhead, Charlie Brown, but now I can plainly see your nuts."
What is a Nuclear Physicist's favorite Genesis song? "Land of Cold-Fusion".
30 wolves 28 sheep how many did not 10
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I need to get baked ...goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Did you hear about the man who went into the doctor for anal glaucoma? He couldn't see his ass going into work.
People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to become a comedian... well nobody's laughing now!
I don't understand... ...how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and yet my wife can have 152 just for our house.
A wireless bra? They weren't tricky enough, now I need a password?
We should legalize heroin just for the commercials alone
Slept like a log last night Woke up in the fireplace.
What's so good about living in Switzerland? Not sure but the flag's a big plus.
*Relationship status* Me: I'm heading off now. Wife: Yayyy.
Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to? His mummy.
It's not really 'fast food' if fat people can catch it.
What's the opposite of running away and getting married? Anteloping.
What do you call a pall-bearer in Oklahoma? a Karaoke
Bud light is alot like sex in a canoe... It's fucking close to water
A joke told by the mods of this sub. "Long"
I'm badman! bad to whom? whoman!
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.
What do you call a wooden spoon in the bedroom A weapon of ass destruction
What do you call a deaf person who can't lip read? Anything you want!
What's red and green and wears boxing gloves? A fruit punch.
If you received a blow job from a toothless Japanese woman, Would you call that oralgumi?
Two and a half men would be way funnier with an all black cast But then it would have to be called one and 3/5ths men
So I was petting a duckling the other day... you could say I was feeling a little down.
Sun Devil Fans What is the difference between a Sun Devil fan and a pet rock? About 3 IQ points
What is McDonald's demolition service called? Quarter pounder.
After a tornado tore through town, thankfully no one was hurt. The trees were stripped bare, though. God breathed a sigh of releaf.
Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control--I saved one for my kids. To split.
A girl quit her job at the doughnut factory... She was fed up with the hole business.
Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that's not a good tweet but I'm getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.
So weird that before we invented cars, if you hated someone you keyed their horse.
[Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where's his shoes?
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth.... and vagina? Only SOME of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded!
40 days after Christmas Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her for Christmas and it's still printing.
Did you hear about that new supervillain, The Weather Man? I hear he's taking the world by storm
Most irons aren't made from iron, which ironically is both ironic and unironic.
It's Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host's dog* *leaves*
Poker never works well in Africa Ethiopians always eat the chips
Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic? He lay awake at night wondering if there's a Dog.
Maybe 6% of pens work. Terrible job, pen manufacturers.
Apparently Mindy McCready shot herself. It's unusual for a woman to use a gun but... ...Guys Do It All The Time.
It's hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it's parked?
What do you call it when an inmate takes a picture of their-self? A Cellfie
Why are female schoolteachers always so angry? They have periods every half hour!
Knock, knock. "Who's there?" "Annie." "Annie who?" "Annie body home?"
A crossfitter, a Texan, and a vegan walk into a bar. How do you know? They all tell you within 3 seconds.
A fool guy A man ask another what's you name and from where are u? He replied why would i tell u that my name is jhon and i am from usa.
You're invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won't be any food.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
What is more dangerous than a polar bear? A bi-polar bear.
I thought I was wrong once But I was mistaken
An apple a day Keeps the government away
There's only two things I hate in this world: intolerance... and the Portuguese.
Say what you want about deaf people
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated!
The Anesthesiologist has become Comfortably numb.
"So....sad.....must...text...everyone I know..." ~ Girls
Did you hear about the the horse that got shot? He's in stable condition.
I forgot my U-bend was blocked when I went to the toilet... I soon remembered, when it all came flooding back.
What do you call Batman who skips church? Christian Bail
Women: underwear are not hot pants/short shorts. THEY ARE UNDERWEAR AND YOU GIVE ME A BONER
I've got hoes in different area codes. (I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)
Cop: Know why I stopped u? Scientist: No Cop: How much science u do tonite? Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat] Cop: Get out
People at my work name their food.. .. today I ate a lasagna named Peter
God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we're rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...
If the headline just read "Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead," news sites could reuse it over and over again.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn't amused when I said, "I don't think it's working"
My wife is like Pokemon Soon as I throw out my balls she runs off.
I hate three things in this world: math
What did the guy in China say to the Chinese couple who finally got approved to adopt? Con-grab-ur-asians!!
"Thats a sexy little outfit your wearing" I said. "I bet you want my cock in you". "Dave", my wife said, "do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?"
Which film star is always jumping around the forest? John Treevaulter.
The most diverse software company in the world consists of 100% black lesbian single mothers missing a body part, with arts degrees
My girlfriend was dropping all these hints about tying the knot or taking the plunge... so I tied a rock around her ankle and pushed her off the pier. She hasn't called since...
My stats teacher told me I was average. I thought that was mean.
Think of how old we're gonna feel when Honey Boo Boo dies from an overdose.
I like my men like I like my coffee... Nowhere near my vagina. A little lesbian humor....I'm not gay I just couldn't resist....too good :)
What do you use to check your cell from across the room? A telephono lens.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.
What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve?  Auld Lang Swine.
SCIENTISTS: We've discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities ME: Ok wow I'm right here
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Cop: [knocks] Dinosaur: can I help you? Cop: we've had reports of small arms fire [Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If a blind girl says you have a big dick.. She probably is just pulling your leg.
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you I'll stop.
Had to stop watching Game of Thrones with my parents tonight, because of all the sex. So I've recorded it to watch after they've finished.
What do you do when you are riding a horse, and a cheetah and ostrich are chasing you? You get your drunk ass off the carousel!
Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess snails make?
Modern Haircuts by Sean Head
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher? Me: Yes. 8yo: Where? Me:... 8yo: WHERE! 6yo: (from outside) It's spreading. Me: I'm up.
Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.
me: wow the stars are beautiful gf: omg babe they really are me: u know who else is beautiful? gf: *blushes* who? :3 me: Harambe
Why is the Canadian Mint so confusing? Because they don't make any cents.
What is Donald Trump's favorite holiday? Cinco De Porto!
What do you do if your lawnmower stops working? Deport him back to Mexico
I give this cheese an "A" I grated it myself
If you don't boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?
I have a nice body. It's out in the trunk.
Why does the police officer get up early in the morning? To beat the crowds.
Babe Ruth Walks Into a Bar Bartender says "Why the Long Balls?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, "Now you're super bored!" and then fly away.
How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? "I just need some space."
What do you call a door only prostitutes use ? Hodor
How does the Ultimate Warrior repair his car? With parts unknown.
How many hours A guys asked he's wife "how many hours will it take me to get to 80 miles going 80mph" the wife looks at him confused and answers "80 hours"
Why did the chicken kill himself? To get to the other side.
What is Minion's favourite brand? Banana Republic~BA~NA~~NA~~~
Don't go to a fight with a gun or a knife, Bubblewrap yourself, People won't fight when there's bubblewrap
A food truck rodeo is a lot like the game The Oregon Trail You circle your wagons. You trade money for food. And it usually ends with dysentery.
The pleasure is all mine... The greeting of a greedy hedonist.
I'm such a daredevil. I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.
Why do asians have such squinty eyes? Because atomic bombs are pretty bright.
Batman: "I am...**BATMAN!**" "Hi, Batman, I'm not Dad because yours already died when you were a kid."
UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.
a C, Eb, and a G walk into a bar... The bartender says "sorry we don't serve minors here," so the Eb walks out and the C and the G have a fifth between them.
I'm going to open a restaraunt called pantera bread It will be similar to panera bread, but the food we serve will be much heavier
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has  been able to do in the last 5 years? A: Unite the Republican Party.
How Many Hillary Supporters Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? Why NONE of course, they prefer to remain in the dark!
Why are the British known for keeping a stiff upper lip? Because it hides their teeth.
Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off, so who was left?
What happens when you drop a piano in a mine? A Flat Minor
Eating a banana. Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium. But... why can't I use my teeth?
I bet r/clocks is blowing up right now. [x-post from Showerthoughts]
To say Nirvana wasn't the most influential early 90s band would be... A denial, a denial, a denial, a denial...
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. I had a terrible stomachache for 2 days. It was worse than period pain. I masturbated for 30 minutes non-stop and now i feel great. :3
Start here. Now go to that side. Back to this side. that side again. now this side ok that side this side 1 more time now front (bed making)
The concepts of "History", "Discovery", and "Learning" should be embarrassed by each of their respective Channels.
Why do Chicken Coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors, they would be a chicken sedan. *slaps knee*
Does anybody know the name of that Godzilla Movie? It's the one where another monster actually breaks one of Godzilla's legs. I can't remember the name of the movie, but it has a huge cast.
I realized today why some people spend their lives looking for bigfoot. He doesn't exist.
What do you call a gay man's balls? Mud flaps
What would happen if Leafy went to The Filthy Frank show? Chin-chin would leave.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
Why are rivers lazy? Because they never get off their beds.
My 20y/o brother went to Elementary school.. To learn firebending
What's a control freaks favorite macro? Control+U
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.
What's the difference between a Russian ambassador and a chicken? The Russian ambassador is Turkey
Sex is like listening to the Beatles Your parents do it and it somehow doesn't make it less cool. Shout out to CH, because I heard it here.
[After date, walking her to her door] Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don't want to.
Have you seen Stevie wonders new house? He hasn't either
My priest was pretty upset today. Nobody at mass bought him a Father's Day card.
I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish
What I hate most. I hate people who never finish their sent
What do toys and boobs have in common? **They were both originally made for *kids*, but *dad* ends up playing with them!**
Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore A dead epileptic
My girlfriend and I decided we aren't ready for a baby yet, so I double-bagged it. It worked; babies cannot breath through two layers of plastic shopping bag.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Bcuz 7 8 9!
Every time I have sex with a woman I always assume she has herpes... ...that way I don't have to tell her about mine.
What do you call an 83 year old black man? Dick Gregory
Life is like a game of chess The whites have the advantage
How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh? Put two fingers in his honey.
We had a pop quiz in culinary school today. It was a piece of cake.
SON: I'm moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can't stop me. ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye? It's his private eye.
What do you call a political conservative woman who is required to always be there? Amanda Tory
THEM: You can't go wrong with this recipe. ME: Watch me.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
So I asked my dad... So I asked my dad during Christmas dinner if anything were home made? He replied "definitely not you."
What do you do when a cannibal eats a vegetable? Throw away the wheelchair
So I was at Legoland the other day and I saw a couple making out I thought it was inappropiate so walked up to them and said "Come on guys, this is Legoland. Build a room."
High joke A cop stops a man and asks "how high are you?" The man replies." That is wrong english. You should say 'Hi how are you?'"
Why did the snail cross the road ? It is not clear yet , let it cross the road first. Update : It has been confirmed that it was to meet the Chicken who crossed the road earlier.
I'm starting to think people are having babies solely for the Facebook likes.
What is 19 cm long, pink and my girlfriend screams when i put it in her mouth? her abortion
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But only if the light bulb wants to change.
A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.
Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened his spirits.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park Lady doesn't even say thanks Puts cart back behind her car Leaves.
What's sexist and not a concern for feminist? Misandry
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.
"tell... my wife... i loved her..." carl dies. NOO! U LOVED HER WHAT?! *shakes body* U LOVED HER... TITYS? HER CAT? *slaps face* PLS WAKE UP
Some days I ask, "What would Chewbacca do?" And the answer is always, "Make that gargly roaring sound." So that's what I do.
I refuse to text and drive... I always end up spilling my beer.
Knock knock... Who's there? Go fuck yourself.
*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers
My inappropriate uncle told me this one when I was 11: Where do cousins come from? ant holes
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I wish I had emo hair So it would cut itself.
In future period films set in the late 2000s/early 2010s, I hope they accurately portray all 16:9 televisions showing stretched 4:3 content.
My wife drove us into town today, she parked up in a sidestreet. I said, "I'll get a taxi from here." "Where to?" She replied. "To the f*cking kerb."
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Why did the cowboy get a daschund Because he wanted to "get a long little doggie"
The female praying mantis... knows how to get ahead in life.
What goes "Clippity Clop Bang Bang, Clippity Clop Bang Bang"? An Amish drive by shooting
How many mexicans do you need to screw a lightbulb? Juan
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness? ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself
*stands over dads casket* "Mom isn't doing well, dad." *puts hand on dad's shoulder* "You need to stop building caskets. It's creepy."
My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment a bit in the bedroom we synthesised a new protein chain
What do you call it when you kill an important donkey? An Assassassination. I made it up when I was seven and to this day its the only thing I've ever made up that resembles a joke.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? ..because it was dead
ShittyJokeExplainBot walked into a bar. He didn't order anything. Wait for it...
Why did the hipster fail making ice cubes for his bourbon? Because he pulled out the tray before it was cool
"Lie flat on your backs class and circle  your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes" said the gym  teacher. "Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet boy."  "I'm freewheeling sir."
What's the difference between a pizza and a baby I won't rape the pizza before I put it in the oven
Our Unabashed Dictionary defines wet dream... As the winner of a damp-t-shirt contest.
Dear funny, I picked up the wrong sandwich at Subway Oops, wrong sub!
I've had a really bad day. First, my wife got ran over by a bus. Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi
What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes ? A swine gut !
I'm worried that I'm gonna get a super judgey coroner.
Federal Express is to merge with United Parcel Services The resulting company will be called Federal United Parcels Or FedUp for short
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you've done with the place.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog ? An animal that barks at low flying aircraft !
You may think it's a good idea to go to weight watchers to meet women... but actually the ones there are quite hard to pick up.
That sunken Nazi submarine they just found is a lot like my girlfriend Dead and full of seamen
My favorite episode of Friends is the one where blacks mysteriously vanish and unemployed white people find affordable housing in Manhattan.
What do you call a Mexican that's lost his car? Carlos
What is Hilary Clintons favorite part about going to the beach? Her Flip-Flops.
I hate these supposedly "funny t-shirts". Just the other day I saw one which on the front said "I'm not gay..." and on the back said "but my boyfriend is". So I asked my girlfriend to take it off.
"No points, illegal kick to the face." "But I'm the hero of this movie." "Fair enough, here's your trophy." -The Karate Kid
What's the best joke you ever heard? For me, it's gotta be Emo Phillips' Baptist joke. Although to tell it you've gotta get his execution down.
Usually, the one you want, is the one you can't have.
What is the National bird of Pakistan? Drone
Radio One has banned its DJs from playing Madonna songs, saying that at 56 she is old and irrelevant. Yeah, at the BBC they only like them young.
What did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
What did the Eskimo lady ask her husband when they were having sex? Are you even Inuit?
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
This Christmas I got a new car for my wife. I thought it was a great trade.
My dad told me "Son if you don't stop masturbating you'll go blind" I told him "Dad I'm over here"
So my friend gave me half a pie... So i said, "No that's one pi"
What do you call four bees?? ....Be-fore
All of the construction that was slowing down traffic during the summer is over now. I don't know why they can't repair those cones indoors.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Why is the all-lisp percussion section so quiet? Because thimbles aren't very loud.
WHAT DO WE WANT? A NAP!! THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
What do you call a girl who plays tennis on her knees? Courtney.
Didn't think these orthopedic shoes would work, but I stand corrected.
NEW EXPRESSIONS "Kanye bless you." "Kanye damn it!" "One nation, under Kanye." "Thank Kanye Almighty!" "The Kanyefather, Part II"
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Cause he was told to get a long little doggy.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
What do they call Miley Cyrus in France? Kilometrey Cyrus.
What is the best way to talk to a vampire? By long distance.
When I text "K.", I worry my amigos will think I'm asking them to repeat themselves but then I remember that this joke is terrible.
the american journal of medicine says diarrhea is hereditary. .. ...it runs in the jeans.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I cant even get into my own pants.
Don't mess with me! I've got a black belt... It's brown on the other side.
GF: "Call me ASAP, it's an emergency!" Me: "Hi ASAP, it's an emergency!"
Terrorist Pick-Up Line "Hey girl, is your ass America? Because I want to destroy it."
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.
A crocodile goes to the doctor.. It turns out the crocodile was suffering from ereptile dysfunction.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants. Me: These are my legs.
me: honey, I'm home! [shuts door] girlfriend: (from bedroom) oh yeah harder me: if you say so [slams door]
ELI5: What is it like to mod r/news? This thread has been locked. You will unable to vote or comment.
Why are condors such efficient fliers? All their luggage is carrion.
Every time I approach girls they inexplicably shoot away from me. Can't say definitively if I have the force but... The correlation is strong with this one.
"The world needs an arbiter of good taste and common sense, and I am fully qualified for that job." - every living human
What do you call a priest giving a long, boring sermon? An anes-theologist. (close enough)
HR: Can you explain this?? Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
*tips fedora at mosquito* M'laria
The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet... They called the whole thing fabricated.
What do you call that lever on a desk chair that adjusts lower back support? The Lumbar Jack
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf. HER: *giggling* So, my place or... ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers* HER: WHAT THE
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don't ask me to babysit your kids.
Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.
You should never tease a fat girl with a lisp. She's probably thick and tired of it.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
What do you call a cannibal that eats relatives? Munchkin.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you'll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
On one hand, your leaving a wadded up Kotex on the bathroom floor is a great appetite suppressant. On the other hand, that's fucking gross.
If you fall I will be there - Floor
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea DAD: yup ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I'm Bane lol
Hear about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old...
Where do the happy people of Baltimore live? In a merry land.
these raccoons are a bad influence on me
What do you call a tire named after Ferris Bueller? A Ferris Wheel.
Want to hear a joke about /r/science ? [Deleted]
So i went to my first fight club gathering I arrived a little late, so i did not catch the first part, but i had a great time. I recommend it to everybody.
What did the mortician say to the corpse? We're gonna need more lube.
What do you call a black man on the moon An astronaut, you racist.
"Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit!" "That's Diane Keaton."
Gas dropped to 77 cents a gallon in some places in Michigan. But don't bother, it was leaded.
"They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Why did the blonde cross the road? I don't  know. Neither did she!
If you have Parkinson's disease... ...that means you stutter in sign language.
My chair at work is really uncomfortable. I wonder if a stool softener will work.
What do you call a fish who went to medical school? A sTurgeon
A man with Deja vu walks into a bar.
I've only seen Magic Mike, can I see Magic Mike XXL... ...or do I need to see the other 28 in between first?
There's a band called 1023MB They haven't had any Gigs yet...
Just did some crunches while hugging my cat Just trying to get purrfect abs
What do you call a red lemon? a Lenin. ;)
[old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Quick question... How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
Jokes about menstrual cycles are stupid Period.
I'm not crying Those damn ninjas are cutting onions again
What's the most useful material? Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.
Hungry priests A group of hungry priests walk into a restaurant. One orders the fish. They all leave satisfied.
Currently, the Olympic host country has... One brazillian medals.
An horse walks into a bar. The customers get up and leave, recognizing the danger that may cause an animal of that size.
Snow White actually hallucinated the Seven Dwarves the whole time. She was a high hoe.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.
Him: Your body is like poetry Me: That's so nice! H: A haiku M:.. H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom M: Just stop
I plan on starting a geek rap band... I think I'll call it Run-D.L.L.
Why are aussie bogans and necrophiliacs the same? They both want to crack open a cold one.
Why did the period and and semicolon break up? Because they had nothing in comma
[Turing Test] Tester: Let's start with an easy one, the square root of 29241? Subject: 171! Tester: Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
What's heavier 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers? The feathers. because you have the weight of the feathers and you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
In what situation would you need Nancy to come out of the ground? in an emergenancy
What does a tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory? Two test tickles
Girl in front of me at the store this morning bought a Kool-Aid Burst and a big Slim Jim. Heroes walk amongst us, folks. Real life heroes.
"Comedians" don't RT because? A. Their tweets are pure gold. B. This is just a joke-tryout site. C. They know we're all funnier than them.
Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with drugs, I like to tell him this story.
It's not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.
Why did the chicken dance with a fig? It couldn't get a date.
A man walks out of a bar... drunk and looks at his watch,it says 10:00 and after a few seconds it changes to 10:01 and he yells out "I time travelled!"
A Stupid Boyfriend Thought LOL Meant "Lots Of Love". So He Sent This Text To His Girlfriend,"You Are Only Girl Of My Life.......LOL".
[airplane intercom] good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
What would you get if you crossed a  snowman and a vampire? Frostbite !
Muslims are boycotting Delta... Now making Delta the safest airline
A horse walks into a bar... and the bartender asks, "hey, why the long face?"
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now? Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder.
What comes after sextillion? Babytillion! (Creds: my math professor who has her doctorate in mathematics)
There are three types of people in this world: The ones who can count, and the ones who can't.
Sixteen sodiums walk into a bar... ...followed by Batman.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Fall is Pumpkin time In the south, they think its time to screw their cousins Pump kin
What do you call a psychic who is neither elated or depressed A happy medium
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
My girlfriend left because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry... I'll return.
What was wrong with the homeless guy's IPad It was missing a home button!
What is the heaviest surgical intervetion that can be done to women ? Getting money and dicks out of their minds.
Two Arabs are on a plane. One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?". The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon".
If I had a dollar for every gender that there is... If I had a dollar for every gender that there is, I'd have 2 dollars.
One day a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly the blonde's friend said "Oh look a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said "Where?"
I've written a musical called Fish. It's very similar to Cats, although Memory's a lot shorter.
White boards aren't just great They're remarkable
What's the difference between Bud Light and piss? The vortex bottle
If there is a difference between a minor inconvenience and the end of the fucking world, you'd never know if from my histrionics.
I'm old school when it comes to video games and by that I mean I turn into a senior citizen who yells "which one am I?" every 30 seconds.
Yo mama's so fat... ...when she died, she had to be preserved in formalda-wide. She then had to be whipped creamated. If she wasn't, they would have had to given her an open-graveyard funeral.
My dad once said 'why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids and not the other way around?' I still laugh...
What's the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
So then I said, "Spit on it first, then see if it'll fit." ...And that's why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Tyson.
[Lawyer] "I can't stress this enough. You cannot plead that you're a wizard ok?" "ok" [Later in court] "I plead that im a wizard your honor"
Racist Jokes are all the same Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
84% of Schools Scored Below Average on SATs First person who gets this joke will be upvoted.
What happens when a muppet gives you a blowjob? A handjob
[God making African animals] Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Why does Bernie know he'll win the elections? Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would.
There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight? Meat.
How does a plant walk? It uses a plant stand.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she's famous. Paris Hilton doesn't realize that ISIS didn't exist in 2004.
Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster". To which my dad replied "yeah she is"
About to eat at the Cheesecake Factory/commit a hate crime against my butthole.
A whorehouse got burned down today... Some came out running, and some ran out cummimg.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
'I'm Spartacus' 'No I'm Spartacus' 'I am Spartacus' 'I AM Spartacus' 'I'm Spartacus' 'Look I just need someone to sign for the package'
I hate using abbreviations idk y i h8 it doe
This is your pilot speaking. If you have any requests, please give them to the flight attendant. Anyway, here's Wonderwall.
How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach? It's not hard.
Who broke into the tampon factory? (warning: offensive) Some bloody cunt.
*sees guy buying toilet paper* ahahaha that's gonna be for poop
What do you call a scary pterodactyl A terroradactyl
"I prefer their older stuff" -Archaeologists
I went to a feminist picnic the other day... It was great, apart from the fact that no one made any sandwiches.
*pulls handle on slot machine *prune *prune *prune *diarrhea comes out
"The hits just keep on coming." - A radio Dj/abusive parent.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Israel? Hillary won't suck Bill's dick.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem.
When she screams "deeper!"... But you're all out of poems.
Treat her like she's the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
If there's no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He would always stop at nothing to avoid them.
How many Bros does it take to change a lightbulb? None cuz it's already lit af
I just brushed a whole tooth without looking at twitter
I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel
Me and my husband Atilla got into an argument I told him "hun, let's not fight".
What do you call an Ox with a gluten allergy? A silly-yak.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - King Kong Barbie ...six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae
Never Trust an Atom. They make up everything!
*Throws Pizza party *B.Y.O.Pizza *Gather All the pizza's *Kicks everyone out.
So there I was hanging from the ledge... When I thought "hold on a minute..."
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis? *Biden raises hand* Obama: besides assembling the Avengers? *Biden lowers hand*
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks? A Roamin' Catholic.
It's impossible to beat God in gymnastics. He always wins the all-around.
A favourite high school teacher's go-to Knock Knock joke. Knock knock. *-Who's there?* Interrupting cow. *-Interrup-* **MOO**
Why do Asian parents never have a white baby? Cause two Wongs don't make a white
I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn't know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'd love to be the bear of bad news. "The bad news is, you're gonna need stitches. RAWR!"
"Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox."  Said no woman ever
College parties are great: You're taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
Twitter=Whats happening? FB=Whats on your mind? FourSquare= Where am I? Quora=what? Youtube=What Im watching. LinkedIn=Whats in it for me?
what do you call a cow with two legs? Lean meat!!
NASA claims that they've just discovered blood sucking bugs on the moon. They're a bunch of lunatics.
knock knock Who's There? Do you ya Do you ya who? No, It's 2014 I use Google
How does a Jew make his tea? Hebrews it!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the deer how it's done.
Male Feminists That's it. That's... that's the joke.
Pinterest is a great place to organize ideas you'll never follow through on.
I had a dream about mufflers and tailpipes and woke up exhausted
How do pirates measure rope? In yarr'ds.
What do you call a blonde on a college campus? A visitor
This man's dad was an atheist. Told me he was a god damned mother fucker.
how is Duct Tape like The Force? It has a Dark side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together.
An elephant joke... What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? Plenty o' room.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You'll be fine.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Why did Joseph Goebbels own a pair of binoculars? For proper gander purposes.
I'd like to tell a Whitney Houston joke... ... but then I realized that It's Not right, But It's Okay
Did you hear about the tourist who visited France? He went to Paris and saw an Eiffel
I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn't like it
Knock knock. - Who is there? A person that likes to tell anti jokes.
So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more? Too many thank-you notes to write
Why did the chicken cross the road? *To get to the other side.*
Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
All good things must come to an end, which means shitty things last forever.
Nietzsche: God is dead God: Nietzsche is dead [they both turn to camera] THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
how is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
That's one healthy flower bed you've got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there? -My attempts at small talk.
So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard. The exam the next morning sucked.
They say shoe size correlates with penis size... ...which makes getting raped by a clown that much more terrifying.
Hippies say the darndest things... What did the hippy say when he was told to get off the couch and get a job? Namaste (pronounced:nah I'ma stay)
I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.
Odd how all the intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth.
Gimmie a topic and I'll make a joke. Go.
[Girl takes off her clothes] "You have had sex before right?" [Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower] ... "no actually"
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It's the ocean! That's where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
What do you tell someone who constantly uses the word "of" instead of "have"? Fuck of
just remember before you let yourself get riled up over The Grammys.. Who Let The Dogs Out won a grammy
He who goes to bed with itchy butt Wakes with smelly finger . -dad
A Man has a strange disorder. Whenever he gets worked up, he sweats coffee. He really can pore the coffee.
How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard-of-hearing? HEY!!! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!?!
So a masochist meets a sadist... The masochist yells out "HIT ME! HIT ME!" The sadist smiles, looks at him and says "no."
Do hesitant people order sparagus?
I like .... Every knows I like my kids the way I like farmed chicken Caged I like my kids the way I like my wine 7 years old and in my basement Post some good ones in the comments
what do you call a gathering of nuns a convent-tion
If I had a penny... ...for every time people screwed up their punchline. I'd be one penny richer now.
Well, just got a job at the guillotine factory. I'll beheading there now.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee... Free
Oscar Pistorius gets six years jail. Jail, then home detention, and back to jail. Wow, for someone with no legs he's covering a lot of ground.
What did Stalin say to all the thousands of people he killed? Crimea river
I finally got Tinder ... and after a few matches, I was able to start a campfire
How did the Girl Scout Samoa cookies get their name? Because after you eat one, you want samoa!
I was shocked when I found out just how many techno songs Steven Hawking sings on.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually DOES have an amazing story from band camp.
Two monkeys in a bath , the 1st monkey says "oooooohh ooooohh aaahhhh aaahhhh " and the second monkey says " well put more cold in" .
Why shouldn't you tell a story to a solipsist? Because they won't believe it.
I just got an iPhone 7S for my wife I thought that was a good trade
Why did the Dick go to the 7-11? To get a Slurpee!
*writing suicide letter Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I'm gone... Cat: *you're
Why aren't there any jokes about Jonestown? The punchline was too long
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aleta ! Aleta who ? Aleta from the tax man !
My password is my pussy Because apparently my dick isn't long enough
Why Aren't Elephants Allowed On The Beach?... Because they always blow their trunks off!
Why are waste facility managers so successful? Because they're always on top of their shit!
Go down a water slide when it isn't wet. And then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.
Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by down' I mean over her face'.
What's the difference between a corn husker with tourettes, and a prostitute with diarrhea? One fits before they shuck, the other shits before they fuck.
Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks.
If Betty White killed someone, I wouldn't turn her in.
Me: "Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean." Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* "Sorry, come again?" Me: "No, mustard."
Fun fact about Germany... Fooled ya... There's nothing funny about Germany
Who granted the fish's wish? Fairy codmother
What's a baby's favorite type of tea? Tit-tea
Surely these children should be in bed by now? - me, anytime after 4pm
My father's sister is obsessed with killing germs, we call her Auntie Bacterial.
there's a jehovah's witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
What's the first thing you install on a new computer? The operating system
What is the hardest part of a vegetable? The wheelchair. ^sorry
Where do adolescent gangsters go? The childhood
hi and welcome to hidden chair club. please find your seat
Where do bacteria like to vacation? Germany
It's kind of obvious why Western countries don't eat cat Can you imagine how costly it must be to kill the same animal 9 times before you can eat it?
where is the best way to hide a nutella? i'm nutelling you
Judge: I find him... not guilty *Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief* Cop: *cuffing him* So that's where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
*walking with my girlfriend on a beach* *i get down on one knee* "will you ma..." *a dog walks past & farts so loud it drowns out my voice*
How big would jupiter be if it was as close to the earth as the moon..... Pretty damn big (courtesy of my daughter)
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. --Henry Cate VII
What did Jarod from subway get on his first night in jail? A foot long
Damn, just found out my highlighter leaked!! Now everything in my bag seems important!
Richard and friend arguing Richard makes good point Richard's friend says mark my words Richard Marx
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade...just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
What's the worst punchline on /r/jokes? I haven't got the faintest idea.
5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
A shark walked into a bark...
Business people in the UK like their beards like they like their tea Goatee
Why did the adobe acrobat document go to jail? Because it was a pdf file.
I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.
What did the zombie body builder say? GAINSSS!!!
Nothing makes me feel like this exercise plan is working than the whistles & shouts coming from the jail when I run by.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene] "my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?" ... "a lasagne driving a car?" "Exactly"
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor... "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera?.............Phil Ming
Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 70? She got a frog stuck in her throat at 69.
In Victoria Secret shop... sir can i help you? yes...does this come in children sizes?
Why do hipsters only use the microwave? Because they don't like conventional ovens.
I am going to tell my friends... That I will show up to their holloween party as Amelia Earhart...then not show up.
How much does a German weigh? Teutons.
LPT: If you ever find that your hard drive has been wiped, don't worry! Just call the NSA, they'll have have all your information backed up
What do you call a deaf lesbian? Earmuff
There are two types of people in the world... Those that can extrapolate from an incomplete set of data
Do not watch the Star Wars Movie! Contrary to its title, it has nothing to do with celebrity feuds.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I'd pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, "Keep the change you  filthy animal."
I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market It was bazaar
2night's funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Science at its finest. Why are all subatomic particles gay? Because they are all atoms
The reason angels can fly... ...is that they take themselves lightly. **G. K. Chesterton**
So how do you confuse a blonde Redditor? [Answer](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pi5rn/so_how_do_you_confuse_a_blonde_redditor/)
Why did the condom hit the wall? It was pissed off.
NICE SPREAD you know where there are certain things you're not supposed to eat buy you cant help yourself? that's why I can never be a gynecologist
How do you pick out the extroverted engineer? He's the one staring at YOUR feet when he talks
only 10 to live Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
What bounces and makes kids cry? My child support checks.
why did the 2016 presidential election suck? It was a real Hack job.
"WHAT DO WE WANT?" i havent decided yet "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?" i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Whats the difference between an original joke and a repost? I dunno, i just click submit
what is the most common second language in the united states? Dora the Explorer spanish
"Ask your doctor if you're naive enough for Placebo."
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
How did Jared Fogle lose so much weight? because he chose from the kids menu
A terrorist walks into a Akbar
What is bread's most deadly sin? Gluteny
Me: "Could you show me where the self-help books are?" Librarian: "No."
I'm surprisingly calm about Internet spoiling Star Wars to me. Who could believe Kylo Ren is actually vegetarian and grandson of General Akbar
How does a mathematician get Tan? Sin/Cos
Son: DAD! There's a mobster under my bed! Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster? Son: No [from under the bed] "Whatcha gonna do 'bout it big guy?"
if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
I got a hand job yesterday I'm now officially a sign language interpreter
another one What is Khaleds fav number?    11 because it has another 1
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Son,wanking will make you blind.. I said dad, I'm over here
[to other patients in psychiatrist's waiting room] I'm not like you people. This is court mandated.
What do women and tornadoes have in common? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
"Science HAS gone too far," I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard. The Colonel laughs.
How can you tell the Ethiopian diplomat at a political function? He's the one with the gold Rolex around his neck.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat's with mountain lions so she think's she is shrinking.
Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically.
Jeb Bush should come out as being gay to get the Jewish vote. Jews have a strong record of listening to flaming bushes.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married... I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Working for sanitation truly is a thankless job Not only do you have to take your boss's shit, you have to deal with everyones
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
What is Gucci Mane's favorite kind of cheese? Gruyeauuuurrrrrrrrrr
What do you call a cow which can no longer produce milk? An udder failure.
Him: drink? Me: I have a boyfriend Him: I have a goldfish Me: What??? Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don't matter
What did the porn star wear to court? Birthday suit
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana... and butterflies like margarine.
I'm sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Slaves be like "Oh, you worked four years for your Bachelors?" I worked 50 for my Masters
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
TIL of a man who masturbated in public for 16 hours straight before police arrived. He was wrist strained.
How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb? 30 because that's peasants work.
I say I want a gf but I don't even know what I'd do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I never expected my dad to steal from his road construction job... but when I got home all of the signs were there.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The volume of sewage burdening my local treatment works is rising excrementally.
What if earth rotates 30 times faster? Interviewer:"If the Earth rotates 30 times faster, what will happen?" engineer:"We will get our salary everyday" :D Think Greedily Act Confidently
I chose to be gay because women are such assholes to me. Fuck em
We're sorry Micky Mouse, but your wife being crazy is not reasonable grounds for a divorce! I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!
What do you call a black girl under age 30 named Sarah? Identity thief.
What's the difference between feminists and Nazis? The Nazis shaved.
There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Whithers.
WHAT DO WE WANT? Migraine relief. WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Yell again & they'll never find your body.
If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a person, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
How many architects does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.
Nothing makes you look like an alcoholic more than not knowing how you got a cut on your face.
i'd tel a joke about classical music But you would'nt be able to handel it.
I didn't think Miss Hilton could consume all those painkillers at once, but wow! Paracetomol!
Hey guys remember to visit Russia Before they visit you.
A horse walks into a pub and the bartender says, "hey we've got a drink named after you". The horse responded, "what, Eric, really"?
What's the difference between the Leafs and a Pornstar? They both get fucked. They both get paid. But only one of them really enjoys it.
Damn girl, you give people cancer. Because you're shining like the sun.
Getting my dad some strong aftershave and a cigarette lighter for Christmas. Can't wait to see his face light up.
What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner? He smashed his nose
*flips coin* "Head or tail?" Her: That's not how this works!
A nigger a spic and an arab walk into a bar. The arab blows them all up.
Most offensive joke I know Why are dollars green? Because jews collect them before they ripen.
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder, one to hold the ladder.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it's win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Was Nicky Minaj born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happend!
There's a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain't no way I'm climbing that for you.
Remembering idioms is easy It's not rocket fuel
I've been married to my wife for 34 years. We now only have hallway sex... When you pass each other in the hallway and both just say "Fuck You"
I've got a good knock knock joke. But you have to start it
Why Did 9Gag Cross The Road? To steal a Reddit User's post on the other side.
I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.
Chris Brown was the director of what film? Sucker Punch
[at doctor] can u cough for me please? *coughs* again please *coughs* i see i see. i'm afraid you have a cough
So is Walmart a verb now? As in, "I'm out of clean underwear, so I'm going to have to Walmart it today."
I don't know why people get so upset about the death penalty It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all.
I was never a big believer in feng shui, UNTIL I took the urinal off my livingroom wall. It's like freaking magic!
My new girlfriend has one leg shorter than the other... Her name is Ilene Wright.
Why can't 2 Asians have a white baby 2 wongs don't make a white
What do you call a black Sasquatch? ...Nigfoot
Don't be racist Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem."
I'm off to pick the kids up from school. Before their parents get there.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
So many people have the name of their university in their bio. "Nice to meet you, this is who tricked me out of 50 thousand dollars"
Why are so many Germans into scat? Because they appreciate the creativity and artistry of Ella Fitzgerald, and enjoy listening to her music..... while pooping on each other.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.
wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] *calls wife* me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I just got a job circumcising elephants. The pay is terrible, but the tips are huge.
I like the phrase "I wasn't born yesterday" because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.
Two monkeys get into a bath... The first monkey says: "OOOO OOO AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH". The second monkey says: "Put some cold in then."
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" "You thought I'd like your pretty lights?" "Recite the alphabet backwards" "I can't even do that sober"
What is the difference between a black man and a bench? A bench can support a family.
I'm vegan until my next paycheck.
What is the difference between a football player and a new pimp? The football player *kicks* *punts.*
Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the 6 if you'll be the 9.
Pornography is often frowned upon. But that's only because I'm concentrating.
Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian. They're not laughing now.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you'd like to meet Him.
What has a tongue, cannot walk, but gets around a lot? Steven Hawking
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
[Me flirting with a twenty something] Him: When last did you get lit? Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get "punch" fr.. *gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Eleven Years ago Greece won Euro 2004 Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I found a dead girl on the golf course It was a difficult shot, but I was able to chip it over her head and right up onto the green.
*wife comes out in a robe* I'm hiding your present Yes it's wrapped Nooo, it's not in the fridge [5 minutes later] IT'S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
"Put your hands in the air like you just don't care" is offensive to those of us in the apathy community. But whatever.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Coffin ! Coffin who ? Coffin and spluttering !
1) "Obamas spying on you."2) "Eh. Cost of being free!"1) "Obama wants to give you healthcare."2) "WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?"
What's denser than a black hole? Your ex.
One my 12-year-old cousin told me What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? Children don't eat broccoli.
I always blurt out, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND" in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.
A knock knock joke I made up when I was 5. Knock knock. "Who's there?" Amanda. "Amanda who?" A man, duh. (Thought it was hilarious at the time.)
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Change?
I think I met a medieval water snake But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream. It was totally Sir Eel.
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that's been knifed
*kills time while waitimg for train* oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
What's long and green and has an asshole at each end? A St. Patrick's Day parade!
What do you call a midget esse? A paragraph. Because he ain't a full esse.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? "Hi, Cliff "
I like to stand in crowded elevators facing the wrong way with a confused look on my face, and finally exclaim, "Oh, it's an ELEVATOR."
Vegan pizza.... is basically just the box.
Trump made up his very own word for what he will be in less than 2 years "Unpresidented"
I'm starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
I would like to learn more about frequencies But whenever I try to measure it, it only Hertz
Daddy, where do oranges come from? Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other...
What do you call a water on a baby deer? fondue
You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
"hey is that a banana in your pock--" *his pants open* *a banana steps out* *it walks towards you* *it hugs you* "u have freed me. thank u
What do snowmen call their offspring?  Chill-dren.
My annual performance review says I lack "passion & intensity", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
Girls always think i'm ugly until they look into my wallet then they think i'm ugly and poor
I think my neighbor might be stalking me because she won't stop googling me. I saw it through my telescope last night
Possum 911: What's your emergency Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD! Possum 911: You sure they aren't just playing? Possum: Oh yeah
[blind date gets in car] Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch 'em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
A Match Made in Heaven God grabbed a box of cigarettes and pulled one out. He put it in his mouth when he realized he had nothing to light it with.
My friend said she's had kidney problems since she was 7 I told her it's fine cause once she turns 18 she'll get adult knees
First witch: My beauty is timeless.  Second witch: Yes it could stop a clock.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Anne Frank showed a cunning and resolve that any Jew would have been proud of. Two years rent free.
wife: How was work? [flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast"] me:Good
What does a arsonist and a bartender have in common? For special occasions, their cocktails are on the house.
How'd the hillbilly Stump the Trump? He Berned it.
The last one on the news After the protests from the taxi drivers against uber, prostitutes from all over the world started to rise against tinder
I want to own a basketball franchise in Miami and I want to name the team humidy... Then when someone asks if its the heat I can go "its not the heat, its the humidity."
There are 5 Types of Matter... Gas Solid Liquid Plasma and most importantly Black Lives
My mate was devasted when a stunning Syrian lady stopped messaging him on a dating site . I told him don't worry there's plenty more refugee's in the sea
Best Comebacks If you want my comeback you can scrape it off your mother's teeth (leave more in the comments)
My ex asked me why I never payed attention to her I told her to repeat that again, the TV was distracting me.
Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me... ...to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
If a Facebook video says "you won't believe what happens next" then I replace "believe" with "care"
What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire? See you next period.
what do you call it when a prostitute cries while having sex hormones
my penis was in the guinness world records book then the librarian told me to take it out
Who is ISIL's favorite Star Wars character? ADMIRAL ACKBAR! ADMIRAL ACKBAR! ADMIRAL ACKBAR!
Reminding Dad I'm too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
How do you call a judge that only gives innocent veredicts because he gave up on law school and knows nothing? a quitter.
ladies, call me a badly designed excel spreadsheet because my D column is unnecessarily large
I've always wanted to be an organ trader But I didn't have the stomach for it.
I went to a club completely infested by tourettes suffering women last night. Any time I approached one they told me to fuck off.
Marmalade Q. What's the difference between jam and marmalade? A. You can't marmalade your cock in someone's arse
I don't know how you women do it. Every time I try to "sleep my way to the top" I get woken up and sent to HR.
How many ears does Mr. Spock have? Three. One left ear, one right ear, and a Final Front-ear.
Do you know what my friend said before he kicked the bucket? He said, "Look how far I can kick this bucket."
Why don't vegans eat chicken? Because it contains egg...
Why did the mafia cross the road? Hey forget about it
How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people? He couldn't stand it.
The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.
I got a new job breaking up suicidal couples. I'm not very good at it, two of them already tied the knot.
Cop: where ya headed? "the gym" Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you "thank you so much, officer"
My girlfriend is homophobic... she's afraid I'm a gay.
Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time...... For shits and giggles.
what do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
An Italian family is sitting quietly at a table in a restaurant
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheeeeeettttt!
How to ruin a movie with one word... **Batman Begins** College **The Longest Yard** Sale **Charlotte's Web** Cam Add your own in the comments!
Why are men smarter during sex? Because they're plugged into a fucking know it all
What do Bud Light and having sex in a canoe have in common? They're both fucking close to water.
Longest joke in the world Here it is: http://www.longestjokeintheworld.com
i have a favorite bike in spin class it looks just like my bed and also its my bed
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you're a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Rude lady to me, "Well I'm sorry but you don't LOOK sick to me." Me, "Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don't look stupid."
I think that pedophiles are fucking immature assholes
There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant. Four fish got battered!
How did Jesus get so ripped? By doing Crossfit
What's the latest pick-up line at gay bays? Hi - mind if I push in your stool?
This joke is at least 10x dirtier than I thought. . . Volkswagen
What do you call a gay satanist? Sack-Religious
I like how all these people are acting like they've never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I'm so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I'd really like your help on my virtual farm.
A Rapist, a Pedophile and a Priest walk into a Bar. He orders a drink.
Do mailmen like opening their own mail or does it feel like work?
Don't you hate when someone has a great tweet idea, but they TOTALLY fuck up the wording, and it's you?
What's the difference between a baby and a submarine? I've never been in a submarine.
How does an idiot call for his dog?  He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
Did you hear about the origami master who lost his job? His office went paperless.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid I've got bad news ME: *pulls an apple from pocket* DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If Yoda were to do a Chicken impression... If Yoda were to do a Chicken impression and say Cock-a-doodle-doo. Would he be asking someone to draw a penis?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
What's the difference between light and hard? You can't sleep with a light on
Yo mama's like the sun you look at her to  long you will go blind!
Two biologists are discussing a new book on amphibians... Biologist 1: What did you think of the chapter on frogs? Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.
one of the last times I got really mad was in a parking lot when a single clown got out of an enormous van
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero? He's 0k
"Oh, look! She's drinking vodka, let's kill her!" - Spiral staircases
Hand Sanitizer: Helping us discover paper cuts we never knew we had
Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget!
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
My husband's safe word is 'CRAMP!'
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of shit? The Bucket
What do you call a person who is outstanding in their field? A farmer
Why do black men weep when they make love to white women? Mace.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says How do you drive this thing
How are a piano and a squirrel alike? They both aren't artichokes
Guy exposes himself with a boner and is arrested. How did he get off? It wouldn't stand up in court
My sexuality is like classic literature. There's not really any action, and most people are just confused by it.
*lights a joint* Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I'm going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
TIL the Hebrews were betrayed and captured by the Egyptians after walking through the Red Sea The event was named "Moses' double cross".
Came out to my parents at Christmas. Later that day my nephew asked to play hide and go seek. Now I'm back in the closet.
What kind of party do prisoners in jail  like most of all. A going-away party.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
How do you say Thanksgiving in Native American? Last Supper
[meets a cute girl from Scotland] "Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape"
Some songs contain sirens which alert you to the fact that you have shitty taste in music.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don't eat meat! Me: don't forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
How do you make a dead baby float ? Two scoops of ice-cream and one scoop of dead baby.
Why would you put a laxative In pot brownies? Shits and giggles.
There's a party in my pants and everyone's invited but nobody ever shows up. I wish my pants would stop throwing parties. It's humiliating.
I asked the girl I've been dating to see Fifty Shades of Grey with me this weekend, but I think she's worried were moving too fast. She seemed concerned and said she didn't want to be tied down.
14 called me an idiot today No, I don't have a 14-year-old child I mean 14 people
Why does the Pirate Wear Camouflage Underwear? To hide his booty.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Britney is stranded on an island Britney is starving Britney forms tool out of rocks and sticks Britney sees a fish Britney Spears
The artist formerly known as Prince. . Is now formerly known as alive.
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die? **Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
I before E except after C. Yes another myth disproven by science.
The good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
trying to write a mystery novel about a cat detective but I keep getting stumped every time he has to open a door
Why cant you suprise a snow man? Because its an inanimate object.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him.
my shower thoughts kept getting deeper and deeper and deeper... then i realized it was because i had the drain-plug in.
I before E except after C and In old Mcdonnald had a farm.
I prefer shampoo to the real thing.
An Irishman walks out of a bar . . .
How do you join a Vampire Fan Club? Send your name address and blood group.
''Daddy, i'm gonna shoot Bacon out of the sky'' ''Yeah, when pigs fly''
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops? It's counterproductive
What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat? The wheelchair.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
what do you call a asian with one leg i lean
HI, I'M STEVE'S CAPS LOCK KEY, AND I'D LIKE TO MEET OTHER CAPS LOCKS KEYS. I'M INTERESTED IN BOATING AND HIKING.
Crazy documentary about two people who are stalker-obsessed with '80s teen idol Tiffany.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
What's the difference between Voldemort and Tyrion Lannister? One had a horcrux, the other had a whorecrush..
Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
I always assume girls who wear ponytails love sucking d*ck. (I assume the same about guys with ponytails as well)
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "That's not funny."
You now that fucker that always needs to have the last word? He is called Edit.
What is 32% black, 45% white... ...gets lit up and changes to blue and red at night? Chicago.
Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn't making movies all the time.
Goats have it all figured out. All disputes should be settled with an aggressive series of headbutts.
Why was the baby strawberry sad? His mom was in a jam.
The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes My dogs don't even have bikes
The longest Joke in the world. I don't know if its ever been posted on here but here it is again if it has! http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
Guy calls 911... ...says, "Help me, help me, my wife's having a baby!" 911 Operator says, "Ok, sir, remain calm, is this her first child?" Guy says "No, it's her fucking husband!"
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.
*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*
Knock knock. (Who's there?) Ric Flair. Ric Flair WHOOO?!
On the subject of jokes we made up as kids, what do you call a group of hams? A meating!
Procrastination is like masturbation... ... it feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
2yo's favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force. When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
BREAKING: Europe awaiting a new wave of economical refugees! But atleast their English is bloody excellent!
What mythical creature is the most bloody? A hemogoblin!
What happens when two burgers fall in love? They live together in holy meatrimony!
Did you hear the one about the procrastinator?
North Korea's ability to go through with its threats are as poor as the punchline of this joke.
"What would be your main strength?" Well, I can communicate with animals... "Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?" They can't understand me.
Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep? Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!
A ghost walks into a bar... For the boos
What do you call a Polish dancer? A stripper
Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak? Because the hamburger is in the ground state.
How do you fix a pumpkin With a pumpkin patch... I'm so sorry.
A guy goes to his doctor. The doctor says to him, "You need to stop masturbating". The patient says "What? Why?". The doctor replies "So I can examine you"
I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax. If you can't come, let me know.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
What do a man and a rubix cube have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become. The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you" "Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh." *The boy wanted to be a comedian.*
Why do scuba divers jump off the boat backwards? Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
<job interview> It says here on your resume that you are a "self-proclaimed man of few words." Would you like to elaborate on that? Me: no
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
Knock Knock Fuck Donald Trump
When I'm drinking don't worry about taking my car keys. Just hide my phone.
Nobel Prize Who ever invented Knock, Knock Jokes should win the No-bell Prize.
How do you starve a black guy? Put his food stamps in his work boots
What do composers prepare their ingredients on? A Chopin board
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar He orders a drink
What did fish say when she hit the wall ? Dam(n) !!!
My doctor accidentally mixed my Viagra with laxitives I didn't know whether I was coming or going!
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.
Doctor, doctor, what can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar... I find that very hard to believe!
What do you call a homosexual on rollerskates? Rolaids!
What did Jaws call his solo banking firm? Loan shark.
What do you call the study of food prices? EcoNOM-NOM-NOMics.
What do you call the Israeli PM when he switches search engines? Benjamin Netangoogle
My favorite moment of the day is deciding I'm not going to do anything productive. That moment is now.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Said the masochist to the sadist: "Oh hit me, hurt me, oh please just use me" Said the sadist to the masochist: ... no
What do a guy crossing Niagara falls on a tight rope and a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old have in common? Both are thinking don't look down, just don't look down.
What do you pasta with a witty comeback? Retortellini.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches and a peeping Tom watches snatches
I hate when I shoot someone with finger pistols but I forgot to take the safety off so nothing happened and NOW IT'S SO AWKWARD :(
Why is called a Pap Smear? Sounds better than a Cunt Scrape
whenever someone says happy birthday.... all I hear is "Happy anniversary of the day your face rubbed your moms vagina"
TIL the shorter urinals aren't for kids. They're for black dudes that need room to dangle.
Every Political Ad Ever: I'm a rich guy who's not like the other rich guy he's a total douche. *Paid for by my rich guy friends*
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
What do you call a dirty drug addict with a lisp? Methy
Do you have 11 protons? Because you're sodium fine...
Why are feet so funny? Because they're "heel areas" ... I'll show myself out
I like my coffee like I like my women.... Ground up and in the freezer!
*puts stethoscope up to chest* Dr: I dont hear..U don't have a heart Karen "Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?" *Im in the bushes giggling*
So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, "Self..." "I shoulda made a sandwich first."
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can actually finish a race
When my wife and I have a disagreement, I always have the last word... usually it's, "Yes Dear"
If I was Genghis Khan's personal advisor Every time he had a moment of self doubt, I'd remind him he is Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't.
Chinese people have small eyes but.... At least its big enough to see their penis.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
What do you call a deer without eyes? No-eye deer! Note: we are from Hicksville, USA. This may not make sense without the Midwestern accent.
I was trying to think of a joke about leprechauns... ...but I lucked out
[NSFW] Useless things Q: What are the most useless items ever invented? A: Condoms. If you need one, she's too old.
What's a sailor's least favorite color? Maroon
[commercial for soup] Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it? NARRATOR: SOUP
How many mottophobics does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Who do you think broke the filament in the first place?
what do you call a sleep-walking nun? A Roman Catholic
I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick She's still not talking to me.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I'm terribly sorry. I suffer from colon cancer.
What's the difference between a Canadian and an Italian? Where the "eh" is in the sentence. Canadian: "How you doin, eh?" Italian: "Eh! How you doin?"
How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door? Just one if its lochte'd
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM Cooking Spray. The tan didn't stick.
What has 60 legs and 8 teeth? The front row of a Country concert
How can you spot a Jewish Pedofile? He's the guy in the creepy van rolling up to kids and asking "Hey kids, you want to buy some candy?"
How many Public Radio hosts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? We'll be back with that answer right after this pledge break.
Opposites don't always attract. I've met several sane and normal people and found nothing about them appealing.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house? Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
What happened when Canada got rid of the penny? Canadians became *penniless*
A mama's boy is frantically running out of a strip club yelling... MY MOMMA TOLD ME IF I EVER CAME INTO A PLACE LIKE THIS I'D TURN INTO STONE. AND I FEEL IT'S STARTING
Sure, white people can't say the "n word" But at least we can say phases like "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad."
What's the difference between Jesus in real life and Jesus in a picture frame? It only takes one nail to hang up Jesus in a picture frame.
St. Peter: "Spock?" Leonard Nimoy: "I'm Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV." St. Peter: "HEY EVERYBODY! IT'S SPOCK!"
I went to Africa recently... ...and I saw that they used Co2 as fuel instead of petrol or diesel. I couldn't believe it and I exclaimed, "Madagascar!"
I met a sick bird yesterday that got deported. The cops kept yelling about him being an "ill-eagle".
I submitted 10 puns to a local newspaper, hoping one would make it in. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I hate Mexican jokes... Nunca puedo entenderlos. Edit: The translation of this is "I never understand them".
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
What Not To Upvote Clickbait
How many sorority girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. One to change it, two to take pictures, and four to make t-shirts for the event.
If I'm your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
I told my mom that bukkake is Japanese for bundt cake... I hope I'm there when she orders dessert at the steak house.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you've taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Why did the bride's best friend become a Samurai... because she was made of honour.
What did Putin say to the U.S. and E.U. after invading Ukraine? Crimea river
Tingly feeling You know that nice tingly feeling you get when you're falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
What's the worst thing to give a norteno on their birthday? A SURprise party!!
I can tell so much about a person just by guessing.
If you're a Mayan, I don't even know how you show your fucking face in 2013.
Contrary to popular belief, everyone wasn't Kung Fu fighting, I was taking a nap.
I like to shave my pubes... It helps reduce the wind resistance and makes me able to run faster. You haven't seen me on the news yet because I'm too fast.
What do you call the divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? a Brexit
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Did I tell you that my girlfriend has the flu? Yeah, basically.
A man using apple maps walks into a bar.. ..or maybe it was a church or a grocery store or something
Dating black girls is the best When you go over to their house, you never have to worry about meeting their dads
I periodically tell chemistry jokes But usually there is no reaction. Probably people are just too noble.
Why did John Snow get an iPhone? For the watch.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? Your dad still sucks dick.
A baby Seal A baby seal walks into a club.
What's the difference between a white Jew and a black Jew? The black Jew sits at the back of the oven.
Sorry if you don't like my Honesty. But to be fair I don't like your f*cking Lies
What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by a court of black people? The NBA.
Whats Black White and Red allover Detroit in winter
How do you win an election? By having people believe that you've won an election.
FYI Don't make snow angels in a dog park.
A U2 album so shitty, even Android won't give it out for free.
If at first you don't succeed, GREAT. Now you know not to waste your time on that ever again. Fuck that shit. Lesson learned.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Ladies what's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber
Why are bodybuilders the best the best partners? Because with them it always works out.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Earth got put in Milky Way Special Ed for being bi-polar.
"Hand me downs" Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.
Did you hear that Henry Ford wrote a book? The driving point is that it's auto-biographical.
I wanna give a shoutout to the sidewalks For keeping people off the streets.
What do you call a weak cup of tea? Subtlety.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don't know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
She criticized my apartment... So I knocked her flat
Superman is using his supervision... And sees Wonder Woman lying naked in her bed! He breaks through her window and picks her up. "Surprised?" He asks. "Not as surprised as invisible man!"
I've lost all control of my vowels... Now I'm completely in consonant.
My sister bet me I couldn't make a czar out of spaghetti... Boy was she surprised when I introduced her to [Ditalini of Pereslav](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dmitry_of_Pereslavl)!
What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them..
Best gaming joke ever.. ..Riot match making
Let me put on my thinking cap hmmm... all I'm coming up with is "I'm a sentient garment my very existence is a horror kill me now".
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven't you heard of moving?
YouTube is the nicest company ever... They just want to even the playing field so their competitors have a chance to catch up to them.
Why are turds tapered? So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it's a snaccident.
A photon checks into a hotel... And the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."
Why women fail at saving money? Have you ever seen a money-box (piggy bank) with a hole at the bottom...
One thing won't change for Jared Fogle while in prison He will still be eating 6" to 12" daily.
Reenacting the Civil War seems like a lot of work. I'd much rather reenact the Cola War from my couch. First is the battle of Whiskey.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like? Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Cop just pulled me over, said I was going too fast. So I took him to dinner first.
If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with "What did you do?".
What do you call a singer who sells meat? A Deli.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they're unreal you want some?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it's polite to act surprised
I feel like I'm not giving my followers enough in my tweets. Would you be interested in stock tips or free shampoo samples?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.
Walking past a new employee's desk & yelling, "Do you think it's a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
How can Donald Trump avoid impeachment? By dropping out now.
Which is Reddit's favourite element? M'lybdenum.
What's long, hard, goes in a vagina, out of a vagina, and leaves a whore feeling good about herself? An abortion hook.
Went out to find a spider in my car this morning. So disappointing. I really liked that car.
A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows? Survivor guilt.
Whats the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
If jews had a planet I would call it Jewpiter
What do you call someone who wears a diaper fashioned from a map? Incontinent
Three blind lesbians walk into a fish market. They get confused
What does a Catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind.
You're so beautiful Sometimes I have to photoshop you to make you look less attractive! - Zach Anner
Can we all agree the biggest balls belong to the first person to set up a tip jar at Starbucks?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them "get a conference room!"
My Father always said "You should fight fire with fire" He didn't last long as a fireman.
The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn't want to be picked up
African American Letters. They are all blackmail.
Cop: You know your license's expired? Me: Didnt even know it was sick. Cop: Haha! Me: HAHA! Cop: Hehe.. Me: Eheh.. Cop: Step out of the car.
Diet day 1 I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.
So a blind man walks into a bar And a table. And a chair.
Guess what! Some blacks don't like whites, some whites don't like blacks! And nobody likes Mexicans! Big deal! Who cares!
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks
"Let's see what you're made of!" he says on approach, knife in hand. "Good." I mutter. "Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology."
I'm 6'5" and I can't stop talking down to everyone
What is the best movie like to shout as you orgasm? I am your father.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn't know what to say so I stammered out "I like bread"
Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament? Because they lost their 2 best shooters
What do you get when you put an egg in the ground? An eggplant.
How did the Somali terrorist describe his flight? "It was dynamite!"
Chris Brown said he's done making music. That's funny. I didn't even know he started.
It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
What happened when the USS Enterprise got a new toilet? William Shatner
If you're looking for good jokes go to r/shitredditsays. The stuff they get angry about is pretty damn funny.
Wanna See a perfect Relationship? You Wanna See A Perfect Relationship? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Watch A Movie... :P Coz it is possible in movies only.
I'll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: "of course you're supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot."
Self Detonation is a real blast.. Or so I've heard.. C4 yourself.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.
"I don't care how goodlooking you are if you don't have any brains." -Zombies
Mrs. Claus gave birth on the 24th of December I guess you could say Santa came early this year.
Do you know what a pirates favorite letter is? ( read before down vote you may be surprised) Well you think it be the rrrrrr's, but it be the cccc's.!
My wife is enjoying the attention I've been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it's saved our marriage
How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling
How was the red sea made? Over a very long period.
Why did the black man wipe his ass? Niggers and poo are the same thing!!!!!
I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.
Now we're going to say some shit to scare old people. -the local news
It is so much easier to turn friendship into love, than love into friendship.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chicken ! Chicken who ? Chicken your pockets - I think your keys are there !s
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot.
132 LEGS AND 8 TEETH Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth? A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!
"Ok, imagine a fleshlight, but full of food." - Hot Pocket sales pitch
Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? Because dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring? He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile.
This guy just rubbed up against me so hard in line at Starbucks now I know what an altar boy feels like.
Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome? Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.
My friend said he knew of a way to always win in Russian roulette I can't tell you what it was, but let's just say... My mind was blown
Why did the scuba diver drop out of graduate school? Because he was always below a C
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow? A hybrid
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe damn it, breathe!"
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
What do you call the state of having confidence? I'm sorry, it's confidential.
Photon A photon goes to a hotel to find a room.. the man at the desk asks if he would like any help with his bags and the photon says "I don't have any.. I'm traveling light."
You're mom is so poor... that if someone gave her the finger. She'd say thank you.
Put that down you fat piece of sh*t'  the title of the dieting book I'm writing.
These pants fit like a cheap hotel... No ballroom.
A guy calls his boss and asks him: Guy: What's the difference between this morning and your daughter? Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!
I just got a great deal on a Flesh Light... Craigslist is the best!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFHQzwNMo_Q klk utede dicen
What do you call an effeminate Japanese man with radiation sickness, AIDS and hemorrhegic fever? Ebola Gay.
What do you call cheese that's not yours? Colby Jack's.
"Don't kid yourself" Would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic.
What time does an Asian go to the dentist? Toof Hurty.
How many ways are there to please a guy? Three way.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
I feel sorry for men who don't know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.
What would Kim Jong Un call his children? His young'uns
Did you all hear Jerry Sandusky is getting a custom ipod touch? It will be known as the itouch kids!
I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
My parents tried to abort me but I was still born.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Why didn't the astronauts stay on the moon?  Because it was a full moon and there was no room.
Did you hear the one about the pizza? Ugh, nevermind. It's too cheesy.
What do you call an alligator that wins a race? A chompion. (7-year old me thought he was very clever.)
Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?" The other fish says "Holy shit a talking fish!"
After months of trying to find a job... ...my mate has recently found work in making chess pieces. He starts next week on nights.
What did the Squirtle say to the Charmander? (X-post from /r/pokemon) Squirtle
FRIEND: hey while I'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat? ME: FRIEND: ME: to what?
Did you see the frog perform in the opera last night? Why yes, she was absolutely ribbeting.
I bet the terrorists have a guy who does parody songs named Weird Al Qaedavic.
What are the four food groups? For bachelors: Fast Frozen Junk and Spoiled. For drinkers: Malt Hops Barley and Yeast. For heavies: Caffeine Fat Sugar Chocolate.
Do you know what a Freudian slip is? It's when you mean one thing but fuck your mother.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them
I have a voluntary version of Tourette's.
Someone told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
So I used to date this graphic designer... We broke up because I caught her cheating. Writing hundreds of letters to some guy named Lorem Ipsum. What a creep, right?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye GUY 2: I just ate a bird GUY IN BACK: I can't hear u TOGETHER: there must be a better way NARRATOR: windshields
Before my girlfriend moved in I always had one night stand Now that things are getting serious we have two night stands
Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner? Mine's just gathering dust.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!
I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke. Although the Judge called it a restraining order.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there's a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I lost my mood ring last night... I'm not sure how I feel about that
What do you call frozen hamburger patties? Burrrrrrgers.
TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person. It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, "Hurry it up, man!" Credit: my wife
what I love about whole foods is you can fit $50 worth of groceries in a stylish evening clutch
What do you call a Greek intellectual that only eats kimchee? An Epikorean.
Lord of the Rings marathon -Do you know what a Lord of the Rings marathon is? -Yes -But do you know what a Lord of the Rings triathlon is? -No? -That's when you watch all three of them
Women and farting... Why do women hardly ever fart... Because they don't shut their mouth long enough to build up any pressure.
I'd catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.
What do a load of bricks and a 300 lb woman have in common? At some point they'll both be laid by a Mexican.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a well known six offender.
Have you heard about the one about suicidal procrastinator He lived a long healthy life.
The best thing about Adrian Peterson's suspension... ...he gets to spend more time with the kids.
Two penguins walk into a bar... Two penguins walk into a bar. They look around for a second and then one turn to the other and says, "God damn it, Frank! We overdressed!"
[sees kid crying at the mall] R u lost? [kid nods, wiping tears] Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I'm pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.
On this day in history, Cocoa Puffs were invented about 3 hours after that rabbit finally got his hands on a bowl of Trix.
I hope Donald Trump becomes president. That way we can impeach him and all of USA can tell him "you're fired".
Customer: Why does your sign say "Fine Dining"? Waiter: We can dream can't we?
If two wrongs make a right... Then what do two wrights make? A plane.
I have a friend called Rick that was recently turned into cotton... we have to call him Threadrick now. I thought of this joke on the way to buy my lunch today, I hope it's not already been made.
Difference between outlaws and inlaws? The outlaws are wanted.
Chuck norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn't talking to me either
What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
I had a harder childhood than most. My parents didn't send me to a therapist, they sent me to a theanalrapist.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a six offender!
My estranged father bought me a telescope for Christmas We're a lot closer now.
Why aren't the Williams sisters competing against Michael Phelps? Black people can't swim.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I've been ignoring these dirty dishes for 47 minutes and they still haven't taken the hint. It's just awkward now...
What's the most environmentally friendly subreddit? r/Jokes. Everything there is recycled, including this post.
What was the name of the strip club Hitler worked at? The "Naughtsy"
When it comes to sex. No means yes. and yes? that means anal.
Movies you wish Tom Cruise would star in: Remission Impossible
the latest news from the boston bombing authorities think it was race related.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take... -Lee Harvey Oswald
I used to be into infantalism... I eventually grew out of it.
Have some self confidence Mexican restaurants. Take that hamburger off the menu.
How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?
Yes I read reddit on the toilet I do it for shits and giggles
Why did 7 8 9? ...Fuck
We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it's stealing.
Hey do you know Deanda? Deanda dis dick!!! HA! Got EEEM!
Jewish boy&amp;father A jewish boy goes to his father and asks for 50 dollars. His father replies, 40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?
I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.
Was that pun intended? Nope, unintended.
Teacher: In music if "f" means "forte" what does "ff" mean ? Pupil: Eighty
What is the difference between a 2 year old and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.
What places have the least racial tensions? Bakeries, there are brownies and crackers there and yet they never fight.
I'm a Responsible Gun Owner. I did the right thing and got my gun neutered. Now it just fires blanks.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
I'm appalled by the amount of sex, violence and profanity on TV. It's too fucking low.
What's the difference between a book and a mexican? A book has papers.
Can't sleep. Boss is watching.
Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates.....(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off.
What does Canadian Fonzie say? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Eh?
Dentist: "When was the last time you flossed?" Me: "BRO, you were there."
What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station? Cu Copper.
Every cloud has a silver lining, except ver. 8.0.1
A girl couldn't decide which mascara to use Bitch couldn't makeup her mind.
Dear Karma: I don't understand, he hasn't been mauled by a lion yet. XO, Me
Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
What keeps running and doesn't get tired? A Kenyan child.
What do Apple and Titanic have in common? They both killed Jack.
I wanted to build a camp for kids with ADD. But I got shut down for calling it a concentration camp.
What's it called when you kidnap a ghost? A Polter-Heist
Want to know how the Cold War was ended? It was with Robotussin and space heaters.
Legally your grocery store can't stop me from tapping on the canned goods and declaring which ones are ripe or not.
Found a wooden shoe in my toilet it was clogged saw on last comic standing
It looks like trees are all flamboyantly coming out of the closet before they die for the winter
What kind of explosive is popular with terrorist school-children? The satchel charge.
What kind of socks do you find in your backyard? Garden hose.
What did Michael Jackson ask his father's mother when she slipped and fell to the ground? Granny are you okay,I said granny are you okay,are you okay granny?!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
my yoga teacher asked me how flexible I was I told her I couldn't do Monday's.
An ESPN ad just popped up with, "Want to keep up with the Women's NCAA Tournament? Click the link below!" Ha... ESPN, always the comedian.
I opened the door last night to carol singers &amp; said "Do you know Silent Night?" "Yes" they replied "Well piss off then because I want one!"
High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.
Why did the cowboy want to buy a wiener dog So he could 'get a long little doggy' Credit- my 12 year old daughter!
Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it's Barney.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don't think this relationship is going to work.
Your huge boobs really bring out my eyes.
Who is this Rorschach guy? And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
If you ever see a creepy clown... Go for the juggler
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Apparently 95% of the girl like to be waking up by oral sex !!! Well its not true, "WHO ARE YOU AND REMOVE THIS FROM MY MOUTH" Said the girl in the park yesterday !!
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
What's a gay man's favorite time? Eight a'cock
Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.
If there's someone in the aisle of something I need at the grocery store I don't need it anymore.
Why do all the best golfers keeping buying socks? They get a hole in one!
What happened to the adhesive suicide bomber? He glue up.
What's the best thing about fucking a transsexual? You can reach around the front and you think you went all the way through.
Did you hear about the weather report from the ski resort in Lake Tahoe? Partly cloudy with Sonny around a tree.
People in wheelchairs just don't get humor. They never know when you're pulling their leg.
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob by a guy It feels good until you look down and realize your gay
What is the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Guys, don't ever tell a girl that she's yummier than a gummy bear, she'll know it's not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
How many Firefly fans disc it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The just stand around for years bitching about how it went out. EDIT: does not disc.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
One liner I thought of and giggled at the other day A wise man once said, "Love is all you need. And Kevlar." I made up that last part.
A pirate goes to the dentist.... "Open wide and say aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
A woman went to the doctor, who examined her. He said, You have a bad back. The woman said, I want a second opinion. The doctor said, All right! You're ugly as well.
How old do kids have to be when you can start saying "Fuck you." to their faces instead of behind their backs?
What do you call a horny Welshman on top of the Space Needle? Sheepless in Seattle
That's how I ended up with a polytheist child I started with several theist children, asked them to hold tight to one another and sprayed them with a catalyst.
Why don't old people have sex? Have you ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
Teacher: Johnny you know you can't sleep in my class. Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter I could.
Job interview HR: What's your best asset? Me: I have an excellent memory. HR: Give me an example. Me: Of what?
Why can't some snakes get boners? Because they have a reptile dysfunction.
Did you hear ISIS blew up their first Italian recruit in a suicide bombing today? They decided to rig a Tony
My wife likes to talk to me after sex. It really bugs me when she calls me from her hotel room.
Bill Gates: "So today I farted in an apple store and everybody was pissed... hey, its not my fault they dont have windows!"
Wait, 12 years a slave isn't about marriage?
How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool? Get a really big bar stool.
Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together ..
Me: I'm so tired I need to sleep. Ambien: Here I'll help... Hey don't forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you're snow! Me: K
pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky pilot: not now gary
Q: Bill Hillary and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved? A: The United States of America.
[interrogation] "What do u do for a living?" Jewel thief. "Louder for the tape." [leans in] Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
me: did you check the suggestion box boss: we don't have a suggestion box we have a paper shredder me: MY DRAWINGS
I'm taking the soul train to Funky Town with my boogie shoes on, and the dish ran away with the goddamn spoon. This is really good weed.
Why did Chewbacca cross the road? WWWRRRRRRGWWWRRRR!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Why are jalapenos so annoying? Because they get jalapeno business.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet, it's amazing how many choose to be stupid.
You know why Communist Jokes are funny? Because they are Commie-cal.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None - its a hardware problem
If you ask me to go get "Eyetalian" food with you, our friendship is probably over.
An app that detects itself running on other people's phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.. The cop said to the driver, "Ha! I've been waiting for someone like you all day!". The driver replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything." I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.
They say great things come in small packages But I assure you my thing is still pretty good.
I took a selfie with my uncle. Everyone behind us shook their heads. I never know how to behave at wakes.
When I get naked in the bathroom... When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
What do you call a gullible Indian? A Naive American. Literally just came up with this.
You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seat-belt on
So, Pee Wee Herman announced he has converted to Islam He's currently planning a pilgrimage to Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Ho.
What date is it today? Brasil/Germany Or Germany/Brasil in some countries.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had an albino child? It was a case of two Wongs making a white.
Q: What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A: A small medium at large.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I really don't have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol. Like Customs, for example.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
The quickest way to avoid a conversation on Facebook is by clicking like.
5 scientists out of 6 say that russian roulette is safe
Why did the vampire go to hospital? He wanted his ghoulstones removed.
YOU'RE GETTING SNOW! AND YOU'RE GETTING SNOW! AND YOU'RE GETTING SNOW! -Oprah Winfrey. Meteorologist
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I'm starting to think she really doesn't like lunch.
14: what could happen? Me: you could get her pregnant. 14: im not comfortable putting my dingaling in her thingaling Me:*writes suicide note
*makes plans with someone* (30 seconds later) what have I done
What did the pirate with a wheel in his pants say. Arr, I don't know what it is but it's drivin' me nuts!
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there's no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? aye maighty
How did Donald Trump lose $916 million? Well he was handed everything in life. Have you seen his hands? Most of what he was gifted slipped right through.
A Texan walked into a bar... The bartender asked, "You got any ID?" The Texan said, "'bout what?"
How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? One to change it, thirty to write a book about it. :3
nsfw Was told this by my Italian coworker. Ever hear of an Italian tire? Dego here dego there and when they go flat dego wop wop wop!
i pinched out a bowel movement while reaching for a stool.
Why hasn't Joe entered the race yet? He's just Biden his time.
Whenever I'm feeling stressed I go to the house of mirrors... I find it's a really great place to reflect.
I JUST HAD AN ESPRESSO WHO WANTS TO JOUST?
Why does Santa have a large sack? Because he only cums once a year
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you'll ever eat.
A wise man once said nothing.
You can tell if your gold chain is fake... ...by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry.
What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal? Computer
How did the hail stone describe it's life?  -It really has a lot of ups and downs
Q: Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic? A: There's a 12-month waiting list.
When it comes to making jokes about heart palpitations I never skip a beat
Why did the Canadian die after eating at an Olive Garden in Texas? He ordered "eh bowl a" soup.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I ordered a horse from a rancher, but got a mule. Seems he half-assed it...
*co-worker approaching elevator* *I try to hit "close door" button* *I miss, hit "open door"* Co-worker: thanks for holding it Me: Of course
My daughter wrote "Daddy is the best" in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She'll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
What do you call a pirate with polio? FD Arghhhh.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation...
Where do modern-day pirates come from? Somaaaaaarlia
What colour animals have the most sex? Brown Chicken, Brown Cow
I remember 2016 Like it was just yesterday
Did you hear about the kidnapping? Its ok, They're awake now
What is green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I'm eating around a sticker on an apple cause I'm too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Did you all hear about the Cold Air Balloon? It didn't really take off
Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits in your wife's clothing.
What piece of furniture can you always trust? A Reputable.
Under what circumstance is mass a unit of time? Church
With the Holiday Season right around the corner The Transvestites of America Union would like to remind you to eat, drink, and be Mary.
"This is OnStar. How can we assist?" "What are you wearing?" "Do I need to get a supervisor?" "Like a threesome? Is that part of my plan?"
Past, the present and the future.. The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar at the same time.. IT WAS TENSE!
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at  Fred's test paper. Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
What do you call a foreign born communist running for President? Ted Cruz
I figure that its safe to ask. How are those New Year's resolutions going?
You can't hear a pterodactyl pee... Because it's silent.
Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?
I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand
That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
What do you call sex with a french midget? Bone a petite
I saw an oldman get hit by a car. He didn't hear me say "look out!" Because I didn't say anything.
I don't usually cry from onions, but this one's story is so inspirational.
How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
Why don't you say grace when eating Chinese food? Because they run you over with a tank if you do. Found this on Becker, didn't know if I should put this here or goingtohellforthis
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold? A bus driver knows the stops and a cold stops the nose.
What is the golden rule for cows? Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!
Where do fish keep their money? In the river bank.
want to hear my limousine joke na its too long
A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!" A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."
How many Mexicans does it take to build a... Never mind, they're already done, and they paid for it too.
What's red and green and spins round &amp; round &amp; round? A frog in a blender.
How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb??
From my gf Me: What are you planning on doing on MLK day? Her: I plan on sleeping all day Me: ...Why? Her: I want to have dreams too
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
Why did the Jedi kill his master? To get to the other side.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. I should have cooked it at Aloha temperature.
What do you call a Snorlax that wants to win a race? A cab.
Two gay guys are standing on a corner when a hot man walks by. Gay man 1 leans over and says, "See that guy? He's a good fuck." Gay man 2 says, "No shit?" Gay man 1 replies, "Well, hardly any."
The Australian border patrol is so good... they even stop the good internet from reaching Australia.
This is gonna be a really long one. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee
Why did the blind lady fall into a well? Because she couldn't see that well. *crickets, crickets*
It's raining cats and dogs... I hope I don't step in a Poodle!
What did God say when he made the first black man? "Damn, I burnt one."
What's the difference between racism and chinese people? Racism has many faces.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" *sighs* "Because I'm a sweater" "BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that's weird but no. Tail light's out."
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, we are both very unprepared for this cold weather
What would you order... From a menstruating ice cream scooper in Ireland? Sunday, Bloody Sunday.
Cyber Monday! a/s/l?
Your mama's house is so small. . you walk into her front door and find her backyard.
What is the favorite Pokemon of a smoked meat sandwich? Raichu
I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl. They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.
Things I trust more than Trump 1.Flint, Michigan water 2.Bill Cosby drinks 3.Elevator rides with Ray Rice 4.Donated blood from Magic Johnson 5.Casey Anthony with my kid
The amount of stuff coming out of this woman's handbag as she searched for her keys, I wouldn't be surprised if that missing Malaysian plane is in there too.
Should be interesting when Trump meets the UK's prime minister... I wonder if he will shake her hand or grab her by the pussy
A man and a fortune teller make a compromise and reach a happy medium.
knock knock player 1: whos there player 2: hola player 1: hola who player 2: holawhosn
Me: I'm going to bed after this episode. Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I'm a dyslexic tree... My life is A-OK!
I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny. Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive.
What is the last thing to go through the mind of a suicide bomber? His own ass.
What did the grape say when he was caught in bed with another fruit? "It was just a momentary lapse of raisin!"
Boss sent me a message the other day: *Send me some funny messages* I replied: *I'm working right now, I will send you later* Boss: *hahaha..send me another one*
WIFE: *filing for divorce* ME: Are you mad at me?
How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp? Give him sheet music.
A friend of mine is having her breasts enlarged. She's paying for it with her endowment fund.
Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.
Thanksgiving with the snail family I had the snail family from next door over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, they are still feeling sluggish this morning.
Just like my refrigerator... I open Reddit, just to be disappointed and close it.
Life hack Use your seat belt buckle to open your beer while driving
In 1839 an Arab man made the first condom The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first
When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand
Why are Mexicans good at bow hunting? Because they hav-an-arrow! :D
My friend is a professional sleep-walker. He's just livin the dream.
If Trump replaces Obama as president, Orange will be the new Black.
Did you hear about the Spanish Perfume? "For hispanic and for herspanic"
The Voice Coach Voice Coach: "Let's start with a scale." Student: "Do, re, muuuhh, fa, so, la, ti, doooh!" Voice Coach: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't take that tone with mi!"
What did the scientists say when they found bones on the moon? the cow didn't make it.
I hate those unrealistic movies where women are friends.
Jokes we made up when we were kids? I have one. Why did the boy band break up? They weren't N'sync.
"HIV" is trending above "Grammys" because AIDS is better than the "music" that was nominated.
Things men would rather do than work to raise testicular cancer awareness: eat a sandwich, watch sports, fight, die of testicular cancer.
There's a girl that I hate in my office that's white but looks like 'Precious'. I've been calling her "Pressure" & blaming my farts on her.
Everything doesn't "happen for a reason." The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.
What does a straight man and spaghetti have in common? They are both straight until it gets hot.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
How to you make an octopus laugh? ...you give it ten tickles
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn't that hungry.
I refused to waste money paying an exorcist... so he repossessed my house.
I used to have a drinking problem. I still do, but I used to, too.
A man is setting his password to "mypenis" Error: Not long enough
what do you call a 5 man group all asians and makes gay music k-pop!
Why do cows huddle together when it rains? To keep each udder dry Courtesy of my significant other
If the dove is the bird of peace, what's the bird of true love? The swallow.
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish
Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium 'the medical elements'? Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'BARIUM'!
Aphantasia I was reading about a guy that lives with aphantasia, but I just can't picture what that would be like.
My satellite navigation told me to turn around. Now I can't see where I'm driving.
I've been dying to see Age of Ultron But then I just googled "How old is Ultron" and found out he's 47. Saved me $10.
What is cheese's favorite music genre? R and Brie
What should you do if you're being attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler!
What RoflWhale really stands for. Rolling on the floor laughing while having a lubricated ejaculation!
"How is this grilling you?" - mom's 44th question
What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? incorrectly
What did the stamp say to the letter? Lick my ass and I'll take you places you've never been before.
It's gonna be a long day. I can wait to get home and curl up with a good Internet.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Did you hear about the french TV show Did you hear about the french TV chat show that only airs on a thursday? Richard and Jeudi
Hey Joe, don't think we can use this ad. Why not? We're roofers. Yes, but "Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed" seems extreme.
JESUS: heaven... must be missing an angel ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet JESUS: hehe ME: hehe JESUS: time to send u back ME: wait no what
I've cut this piece of wood 3 times ... ... and it's still too short. -Bob Edmiston
A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal. She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"
TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED: 1) Rich people make money 2) It "trickles down" to offshore banks 3) Government closes libraries/hospitals
The bartender says "we don't serve particles that disrupt time flow!" A tachyon particle walks into a bar.......
How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb... Two, one to do the job, and another to shoot all the witnesses.
What's an Australian's favorite element? Gold
Bad news guys. The 1st person who ever typed "LOL" into a keyboard just died of double AIDS.
What is all that useless flesh around a woman's vagina? The woman.
What do you call a fat cow..? Your mum
What do you call a cheating wife with a runny nose? FULL!!
Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only "comes" once a year
Knock Knock -Who's there? -Interrupting cow with an identity crisis. -Interrupting cow w- -WOOF! WOOF!
If I had a time machine I'd go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the shit out of people with an electric toothbrush.
Breadbowl soup should be called Arkansas soup because it's 'In bread'
I've finally found some direction in life, so I'm throwing a going a way party.
Tell 'em how it 'tis, not how it 'twas: Edition 3. The joke used to be "If ya lick 'er, it's quicker". Now it's: if ya pin 'er, yer in 'er.
I really don't have a clear stance on abortion On one hand I'm all for killing babies. But on the other hand I don't support women's rights.
It appears that Jared Fogle has gain 30lbs since going to jail I guess that's what happens when you stop the child portions
What's a parrot's favourite game? Monopoly!
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country. Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Micky Mouse is in divorce court The judge says, "So you, uh, want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?" And Mickey says, "Um, no, I think what you heard me say is that she's fucking Goofy!"
Just stabbed my uterus with a tampon.
My girlfriend is ambidextrose she can polish off a box of chocolates with either hand.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are "stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
This Halloween, I put a potato in my pants and ordered people around. I was a dictator.
What do a wife and a tornado have in common? First, they suck. Then, they blow. Finally, they take half your house.
Birth Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the fucking moon!!..:)
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That's what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
A friend asks his friend to tell him a joke. Friend A - Hey dude, tell me a joke. Friend B - Pussy. Friend A - I don't get it? Friend B - I know you don't.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I will say something deep. I built a robot that digs. Deep.
Why are there no feminists in Japan? Because they hunt whales.
What Do you call 20 Millionaires watching the Superbowl? The Dallas Cowboys
The baby Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."  "Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."
What fun drink can put your kid to sleep? Bleach
How do chickens connect online? faceBAWK!
My sister-in-law has step-children and that's awful, why won't she use regular stairs like everyone else
My friend's mouth and tongue were blistering and burning after eating tacos last night... serves him right! I told him not to eat Mexican.
Did you know the right Woman can make you a Millionaire? You just have to start as a billionaire.
What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabaghoul
Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either.
How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
How does a road reply when you ask it how work is going? It's tiring.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. ... .... It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Do you know why only half of the women on earth will experience a real orgasm during their lifetime? There's only 30 millions of Frenchmen on earth.
A guy walks into a bar.... he gets a concussion and dies soon after in the hospital.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.
I'm so torn on circumcision. I mean, you're either foreskin or against it.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
my favorite game is called "Secret Family." I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.
The difference between dead babies and vegetables? I don't eat my vegetables.
What is the only group of cops who get in trouble when a black guy gets killed? secret service
Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the "banana phone".
A woman goes into a doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out the top of her panties. Doctor: Oh, that looks nasty. Woman: That's just the tip of the iceberg doctor.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool your Japanese father, shame on your whole family.
Why did the dead baby cross the road? It was attached to my bumper...
I bought a book on capitalism... but then returned it because some of the letters were in lower-case.
Why does Hellen Keller use two hands for masturbation? One to masturbate, one to moan.
After some thinking i decided not to go through with the brain transplant But then, i changed my mind
I never knew Godwin's law was in the English Oxford dictionary.. What a bunch of language fascists. edited: grammar Nazis
North Korea claims to have just tested an H-Bomb Turns out they just discovered Mentos and Diet Coke
I'd be scared to buy an LG Tv Liam Neeson may find me!
Why was the centipede late ? Because he was playing "This little Piggy" with his baby brother !
Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the retards house. **knock knock
What do you call an international criminal waffle that you dropped at the beach? Carmen Sandy Eggo
Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else
I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.
What's the best thing about being a meth head? 1 sleep until Christmas.
I read in my girlfriend's diary...... that I have real trust issues!! What a bunch of BS...
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as "we," then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as "we."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bertha ! Bertha who ? Bertha-day greetings !
What do you call a nun on a wheelchair Virgin mobile
My cat just sneezed directly into my eyeballs so I'll probably be dead soon. Goodbye, guys. No, you can't have my stuff.
What breaks when you give it to a toddler? Her hips.
"I hate drama" said the woman who continued to place herself squarely in the center of it.
Why are French overweight homosexuals always tired? Because they are fatty gay
What Kind Of Bagel Can Fly? A Plain Bagel.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Why does everyone hate German sausage jokes? Because they're the wurst.
So many women, so little time to disappoint them all.
What did the last-place olympian say after someone stole his sled? What have I got to luge?
A sandwich walks into a bar... The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
On this day in history: people related to you whose names you do not know performed actions that were never recorded.
This guy.. igg.me/at/bustofabney Why is this a thing??
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in  Atlantis? Because it is below C level.
What do you call Abe Lincoln having sex? The emancipator-procreator.
Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me. If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.
Why can Stephen Hawking only do one liners Because he can't do stand ups
Jeb bush uses a dangerous method to make a lasting change. jeb!
There should be more than one kind of handicapped parking placard. "I have no legs" and "My knees gave out at 350 lbs" aren't the same.
Why did Johnny Cash have the Cocaine Blues? He ran out of cocaine.
Click to see something special something special
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I'm planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
How do you tell an introvert and an extrovert mathematician apart? When talking to you, the extrovert mathematician looks at *your* shoes.
Obama: Please don't talk to me until I've had my morning cup of Joe. Joe: no please no more. Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I was watching a tv evangelist this morning and it made me realize how much I'm looking forward to the Rapture. Yeah, I can't wait until all these "Christians" are gone.
Yesterday I wanted to connect a couple of watches together to build a belt to hold my pants But I figured it would be a waist of time.
Dog: I like pizza. Me: You've never had pizza. Dog: It's food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I'm not giving you my pizza.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
How many Feminists does it take to change a Light Bulb? Two - One to change the Bulb and one to Blow Me
What does a blonde put behind her ears to look attractive? Her ankles.
I made fun of my friend for getting off to humiliation porn. He came.
A square, a triangle and a hexagon walk into a bar, the bartender says "Looks like you boys could use a round"
I recently learned diarrhea is genetic... Yeah, it runs in your genes.
I said to my wife's mother "when you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." she said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
My Shake Weight came in the mail today! Boy, was that a mess.
The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most. Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.
I own 2 types of fossilised animal excrement I'm a shit collector.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
what cross road chicken
What is the definition of masurbation? Coming unscrewed
Yo mama's so fat when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
Just realized that I'm finally too fat to do things during summer.
Max the camel walks into his parents' room at 2am and asks for a glass of water. His dad says, "Another one? That's the second glass this month."
Faster than a speeding bullet ...... more powerful than a locomotive ...... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear? White Vans.
Just skipped past a quote from Gandhi on Instagram to "like" a photo of a hot dog.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I don't trust stairs... They always look like they're up to something.
What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of someone who cant afford an education?
Don't lie you would touch all sorts of weird shit with a ten-foot pole.
To all the people who doubted me growing up: looks like you're gonna be right on this one. Well played.
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
What kind of jacket would Michael J. Fox wear if he was black? [OC] A parka, son.
"are you sure these x-rays are safe?" [doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you're fine
Im not your friend, buddy
Where did the newlywed horses stay? In the bridle suite!
Waitress: would you like another drink? Me: Are you new?
"Hey, how was that sheep pussy?" Not Baaaaaaaad
what do Chinese people say when it is sunny outside. what do Chinese people say when it is sunny outside i wish it was raining cats and dogs that would be dericious
"Hitler, no Hitlering!" said Dora. But it was too late.
What's a pirate's favorite digital image format? tARRRRRGa
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Never throw a battery at someone You'll get charged with battery
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
what do you call a blond standing on her head? a brunette with bad breath...
What do you call a stick with autism? Autistic
What does my brothers wife and a Chevrolet have in common? They're both extremely high maintenance
Why did I join Twitter? Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out.
People don't make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Someone Stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word
My kids are very optimistic.  Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I swapped my wife's tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..
Why do baby boomers like fracking so much? Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.
How do ghosts get ghouls interested in them? They woooooooOOOOOOOooooo them.
How is a women and peanut butter the same? It takes a lot of coaxing to get them to spread when they're cold
What did one pig say to the other? Let's be pen pals!
what do you call a deer with no eyes? 'No idea.....' 'What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?' 'Still no idea.......' My all time favourites :)
Did you hear about the suicide bombing camp? I heard it was a blast.
What does an empty bottle of Champaign and an orphan have in common? Nether of them have a pop.
'I can't find my dollar bill' Jane sobbed. 'Don't worry' her Counselor said. 'A dollar doesn't go very far  today.'
How do you know if someone's a feminist? They have an AK and they plan to kill all men. /shittyjoke\
What do moths study at school? Mothmatics
My friend is scared of the homeless people he sees on the streets. I told him to stop being hobophobic.
Why were the vets and pounds mad?  It was raining cats and dogs
Go away, mosquito. I've already had the blood drained out of me by my job.
What do you call a row of boxers-in-training? A shitty punch line.
How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries? Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.
Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.
The United States government.
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
"Where are you all going?" A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking. "You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this'll be great exposure for your band
I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a [Tesco burger](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-21038521) on my pillow!
Great joke I heard at a standup show in Houston this weekend. (Dark humor) Give a man a fish, and he you will feed him for the day. Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.
Why did Lindsay Lohan walk into a movie theater? She heard there were free shots.
If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It's only fair.
What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car in it man.
Dear diary, My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him. Apparently Meth wasn't what he expected. Dating is bull shit
What do four out of five guys love to do? Gang-rape.
Who is the coolest person in the hospital? The ultrasound man.
Robot Doctor. Robot Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Robot Doctor: "1".
If you play Rebecca Black's "Friday" backwards, Satan appears and asks why you have so much fucking time on your hands.
"haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-" *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they're for
hey, so much for global warming -- look at all this snow! and so much for global globalness, look how flat it is out there!
[Arkham Asylum] GUARD 1: that guy's CRAZY *gestures to Joker's cell* JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google* GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I eat the pussy like mac n cheese I'm lactose intolerant
How do you make a door hold water? You open it slightly so it's ajar.
My girlfriend snores very loudly Guess she knows how to sleep soundly
shit. the number the girl at the Sprint store gave me is MY number
Why did u eat it??? A lady was pregnant. Her son asked her "Mom, What's in u'r tummy?" Mom answered "Its a sweet, lovely baby." Son says, "If the baby is so sweet and lovely then WHY DID U EAT IT???"
When is a door not a door? When its ajar
I get so angry when I hear about children being abused/named "Jaden."
What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.
Why do Italians wear gold necklaces? So they know where to stop shaving
Did you hear about the two peanuts that got lost in the bad neighborhood last night? One was assulated, the other was shelled.
What do the 12th of July and the end of an essay have in common? They're both summary!
There was a paradox... And ***Theseus*** parked his ***ship*** right in-between them. 
What is the difference between a boy scout and a Jew ? A boy scout returns back from camp.
I swallowed a 1 coin today.. ..I went to the hospital and after poking around for 10 minutes he stuck his head up and said 'ok go home, come back if there's any change' Tight bastard!
I'm not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724
This year I've decided I'm going to exercise religiously... That means I'm going to work out on Easter and Christmas and I'm done.
Forget a joke you read on /r/jokes? Don't worry, it'll be posted again next week.
6: can i have ice cream? Me: ur room clean? 6: if I clean it can I have ice cream? M: sure 6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I saw a beefle of buffaloes Really!? is a herd of buffaloes called a beefle? Nah, I was just joking...
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community. I ride the train w/the cross-section & it's mostly people peeing on the floor.
Where does a cow go to watch a film? The mooovies. pls tell to friends.
Reddit's future
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
You don't understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It's hard.
What pop star has the biggest nipples? Areola Grande
Who was the greatest prostitute of all time? Ms. Pacman. for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls until she died
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar haha just kidding
A bunch of toilets were stolen from the police department... They have nothing to go on.
Forever 21... pounds overweight
What do you call a fat person with a flat butt? A hipobottomless
Two electrons are having a conversation... Electron 1: Do you know why they call it the XBOX 360? Electron 2: Why? Electron 1: Because when you see it, you spin 360 degrees and walk away!
Sometimes I squat... ...and pull my legs up to my chest and lean forward. Why? That's how I roll.
Why did the bat miss the bus? Because he hung around for too long.
What does a ninja and a muslim woman have in common? They're both invisible.
I like my coffee, how I like my slaves. free
Whats does dissecting a frog and explaining a joke have in common? Sure, you know how it works, but now it's dead.
Life is all about perspective... The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
A friend of mine wanted me to recommend a TV series that 'ends with a bang.' I told him he might like Cowboy Bebop.
What you should do if you have a rash Choose your doctor and medication carefully, you don't want to make any rash decisions.
I finally told my girlfriend about my sexy pirate fetish... She said she would get on board
Yo mama so fat The hulk couldn't even lift her up
One day I'm probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[leaving store without bag] Cashier: Forgetting something? "Oh wow, how embarrassing" *walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalottapuss
"Are you the ghost of Christmas past?" - what I ask a person with a flip phone.
"I'll sleep when I'm dead." - People who don't understand sleep. Or death. Or expressing themselves without the use of cliches.
Dandruff. Plastic bags. Dish soap --> things more interesting than my friends' Facebook updates
Photographer with really bad eyesight is the happiest because he doesn't need any lenses to see perfect bokeh.
Doctor: "I'm afraid you have Alzheimer's AND you have Lupus..." Patient: "...well at least I don't have Lupus."
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people---You do realize you're not a desk calendar, right?
Did you hear about the new pop singer that has giant nipples? Her name is Areola Grande.
1st vampire: How things? 2nd vampire: Terrible! Today I received a letter saying I'm overdrawn by 50 pints at the blood bank.
Q: Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to? A: Heck
What's the same about Christmas and work? I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.
I think RoastMe should be renamed... to DaisExMachina.
How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question. Deadheads screw in sleeping bags.
My friend says that I've lost touch with reality but I told the pillow, that was absurd and to lower his voice before he woke the avocado.
Why is an apple a Dalek's favourite fruit? Because it keeps the Doctor away!
if you love something set it free. except Shamu.. we all love Shamu but he must be imprisoned forever
Did you hear about the organic compound who became a bully? Mean ether.
GOD: I've created donuts ANGEL: ooh they're yummy but why the hole? GOD: ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: because they are holy GOD: because they are holy
What is the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of cow manure? the bucket
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology... She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
NSFW: Sperm 1: God I'm getting tired! How long 'til we reach the fallopian tubes? Sperm 2: Still a long way to go..........We've only passed the tonsils.
Please don't cry Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Wow, the last couple of elections have been great! We had a white president, then a black president, and now an orange one.
I've spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law's killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish & he'll plan fishing trips with his buddies to escape from his annoying wife.
I don't want to tell you how to run your company, Hostess, but liquidating just as weed becomes legal seems like a bad business decision.
How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible
A 1-2-3 punch of cow jokes **What do you call a cow with 2 legs?** *Lean beef.* **What do you call a cow with no legs?** *Ground beef.* **What do you call a masturbating cow?** *Beef strokinoff.*
I can guess what state you are from with a single question! What state are you from?
How many Shia laBeouf's does it take to change a lightbulb? NonononononononononoNONONONONONO! NONONONONONONO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO! (he can't.)
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints
When a woman says, "We need to talk", it's no good. Never has a woman said, "We need to talk" and followed it up with "about pillow forts".
It's funny because it's true So a catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a beer. the end
Why did the billionaire keep winning at Poker? He played his Trump card.
How to tell if someone is pedantic Say, "Hey, you're being pretty pendantic." If they respond with this, they're pedantic: "No, I'm *pe*dantic, not *pen*dantic."
Sia's full name is: "Sia...Wouldntwannabia."
Do extremely fat people still call them laptops?
At least Mexicans make good immigrants and don't bomb nobody.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I'm sorry, I don't see why you can't have a crack house AND have it tastefully decorated.
Rules for being a good neighbor: 1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS 2. Don't forget rule number one.
Why doesn't orange rhyme with anything? Because it's a Mandarin word
A man goes to the doctor... and he says, "Doc, my eye hurts when I drink coffee." Doctor says, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?"
Show me on this lemon where life gave it to you.
Step 1:Make pillows with"Love" printed on them Step 2:Become a lawyer Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love Step 4:Become rich
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
What did the drunken Irishman say to the Chinese diplomat? http://www.reddit.com/r/Youwritethepunchline/comments/2zg1zy/what_did_the_drunken_irishman_say_to_the_chinese/
I used to supply filofaxes to the mafia I was involved in very organised crime
Two Asians are watching the weather forecast... ... and the forecast reports that there will be showers in the area. The first Asian says, "Oh man!" And the second Asian says, "Bah, rain."
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift... ] Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands! "Toilet paper?!"
what do you do with someone that is having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry.
What is the most awkward day in Harlem? Father's Day
My son fed half of the petting zoo. That was the best way to dispose of the body.
There once was a man named Dave. He kept a dead whore in a cave. He said "what the hell, You get used to the smell, And think of the money you save!"
print out the lyrics to "Girls Just Wanna Fun" and draw a red X through it all and you have the Quran, pretty much
How many people need to die before we fix... ...this horrendous piano dropping problem!
What do you call a waffle you drop in the desert? San Diego ^^San-dee-eygo ^^^^sandee-eygo ^^^^^sandy-eggo ^^^^^i'll ^^^^let^^^^myself^^^^out
If cops were really public servants they'd stop pulling me over and start cleaning my house.
I'm no longer interested in self-discovery; I'm more interested in self-medication.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
In Soviet Unicorn, rainbow poops you!
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Staple a piece of bread to the ceiling
What is the most popular game played by tornadoes? -Catch my drift
Why didn't the shrimp share his food?? He was a little shellfish
There's Only One Thing I hate More Than a Litterbug... ...having a dirty car.
Was JFK born in USA? Doubtful, he sounds Kennedyan!
"These fries are too crispy" - inventor of the microwave
Not sure if you're a pretentious douchebag? Do you buy honey in a plastic flip-top bear? No? Pretentious douchebag.
What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaay!
Finding Nemo 3: Nemo's mom isn't dead. Nemo's dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute. Nemo's mom finds them. It's a revenge tale.
The neighbor's dog has barked non stop for three hours. And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.
You want to hear an old racist joke? Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Told that by an old homeless guy.
Ugh my boyfriend's all "Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos" and "Stop snap-chatting my Mom" and "Stop calling me your boyfriend"
Before the invention of Swiffers, people had to pick up dust with their own moist genitals.
What does Mrs. pancake say when you compliment her on her weight? Thank you, I'm flattened! I made this joke up on my drive home and am very proud of it. You monkeys better find it funny!
What lives in the ocean is grouchy and hates neighbours ? A hermit crab !
Yeah, that's it. I was an hour late for work because I forgot to adjust my clocks. That is also why I smell like liquor.
Last time I got some ass My finger went through the toilet paper
I'm growing my prostate to raise awareness for moustache cancer.
To me funny is beautiful.
Why is it called Windows 10? Because 7 8 9.
Why was the Polaroid fanfiction ignored by the photography community? Because it wasn't Canon.
"Doc, you gotta help me, I think I'm a chicken!" Doctor: "How long have you felt this way?" Man: "Ever since I was an egg."
You know what cats don't like? Blow dryers. You know what's funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat. Anyway, I lost an eye today.
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? It only took 1 nail to hang the picture.
He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left. Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.
Wife: The zoo called Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Why aren't lions cannibals? They can't swallow their pride.
Why are so many lesbians vegetarian? Because they don't like to eat meat (   )
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
"It's a boy! " Frank exclaimed. "It's a boy!" And he never visited Bangkok ever again.
Why are black people good at basketball? Because they can run, shoot and steal at the same time.
Why do airplanes have to go around the sweatpants factory? Because it's a NO FLY zone!
Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
So my girlfriend thinks I'm stalking her. Well, she's not a my girlfriend but she will be soon.
How did Wendy die? The Baconator.
When I'm out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying "Don't make eye contact with daddy."
What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A Lift (only a joke, my American friends)
WOW! The Vatican has declared child sex abuse is a crime. Next thing you know they'll ban burning witches!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels
What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Why is the ocean salty? Because land doesn't wave back.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give the bitch a shovel.
What do you call a lesbian with a SUV full of penises? Dick Van Dyke
[hat shop] OWNER: Sir stop or I'll call the police UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
What do you call Bill O'Reilly? Ass seen on TV.
*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant* *she storms out upset* *I follow* Outside: "DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!" *high 5*
What part of a hospital does an abortion patient avoid? The right wing
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The fastest way to make 500$: Start stock investment with 1000$
How much does a moil get paid for circumcision? Ninety-nine dollars plus tips.
A murder A man walks into a crowded bar, pulls out a knife, and murders another man. Then he walked out. * I bet you laughed, this joke is a *killer*
i need to get something off my chest *takes off my nipple*
Well why on Earth do you want to know?!?!! Do defensive time travellers exist?
If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.
I looked up "cock" in the dictionary... It says "the male of the domestic fowl or chicken". That's all my black female neighbours ever talk about, they must really love fried chicken.
What do you call a girl with one leg. Eileen.
Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island. 1) Check spelling. 2) If correct, enjoy.
If we all end up going to jail for downloading music...... I at least hope they separate us by music genre.
Every time I tell dad jokes He laughs
I hate when films say " 'MAY' contain nudity?" Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME
I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist. I refuse to make rash decisions.
What did the gardener yell when his vegetarian friend visited? Run Berry, run!
"Shake what your mama gave ya." "You want me to shake a $25 Macy's gift card?"
Why are dyslexic zombies such good plumbers? Because they're always looking for drains.
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well I saw this light at the window...!
If you tuck your t-shirt into your shorts, don't be surprised if my kid kicks you in the nuts. I'm trying to raise him right.
Katrina Hit me hard, Wrecked my house, threw all of my possessions around and flooded my basement, But I still think those jeans made her look fat.
When I said I wanted an origami book... I didn't mean a regular book in the shape of a butterfly.
I eat bits of metal all day... It's my staple diet.
A dyslexic gets to heaven. God says woof.
According to my autocorrect, i'm wearing edible pantries
There once was a soldier named Private Acid HQ called him back. When he got to home base, he was found neutralized.
I downloaded corn onto my computer. It messed up the kernel.
What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
German sausage Ain't it the wurst?
Has anyone heard of the movie 'Constipation'? No because it hasn't come out yet. Huehuehuehuehue
"Hey I like you" "I like you too" "Let's lick the inside of each other's mouths to express our love" "Yeah that's not weird. Let's do that"
Wow you changed your makeup in 16 different hot ways. And where did you learn those 8 moves that drove me wild *sees Cosmo on the table* ah
Husband to daughter's boyfriend... ..."Glad to finally meet you. I've noticed you in our food budget for some time now."
Why is cocaine the alt-right's favorite drug? White powder!
Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the Chocolate Factory His girlfriend had been so against it for years
Diarrhoea runs in my jeans
What happens when you give an Italian a coupon? It makes the Dego buy faster.
When is a door not a door? When it's a jar
Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus? She heard about his second coming
They should bring lacrosse to the X Games... It would be a great opportunity to advertise ex-lax
Her: I LOVE your beard! Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too! Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.
Why are gardeners good at spreading religion. Because they can plant churches.
Why did Tiger Woods parents name him Tiger? Because he's half Thai, half African American. (Get it? It's funny cuz racisim.)
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
There should be a trap door at the front of the line for coffee that opens into a pit of fire if you take too long to order.
"If you're flying with 3 kids, pick the 1 with the highest earning potential & then work your way down with oxygen masks." -Flight attendant
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because "that's weird." As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
What is the most positive thing in Africa? HIV
Whoever wins the Oscar for Best Sound Mixer is gonna get so much sound mixing pussy it's not even funny.
Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
When you are trying to get out of the aisle at the movies, and you have to pass by people, do you give them the nut or the butt?
What keyboard shortcut do the elderly have the most trouble with? Ctrl+P
When meeting someone, I walk calmly and slowly toward them while something explodes behind me, because first impressions are important.
What's the difference between being hard at work and being hard at work. ...you can't be the latter if you're a teacher
The guy who developed Fractals.. The guy who developed fractals was Benoit B Mandelbrot, I heard the 'B' stood for 'Benoit B Mandelbrot'
According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty...
Mime Ninja Silent, But Deadly.
I'm no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.
I saw two blokes having a fight... I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife!" You should have seen how fucking fast they both ran off.
"Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!" -Every attorney apparently
Guy across the road can't get his truck started. Now he's rolled up his sleeves. That's how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Wanna hear a joke about cats? Haha, just kitten.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
A procrastinator walks into a bar I'll post the rest later..
What Does a Gynecologist and a Pizza worker have in common? They both get to smell it, but neither gets to eat it.
Why do crows do vocal exercises every morning? For the Good of the Caws.
Cooking tip: You can almost always substitute Nutella for a serious relationship.
If you google "MySpace" your computer will ask "Are you fucking serious right now?"
First year my husband didn't give me some sort of sweet on our anniversary. I got roses. He thinks I'm fat. I know it.
Why do vegans don't like to kiss?? It gives them butterflies in their stomach
I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice "NO...Bad Bear"?
What happens on Santa's lap......stays on Santa's lap.
Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don't know that person's handwriting.
Kitty Pryde walks into a bar Something is disrupting her mutant power.
Mitt Romney's dick tastes nice said Donald Trump.
Roses are... Roses are grey, Violets are grey, i'm colourblind, and Canadian, eh?
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
What's the difference between a mexican and a perubian? The passport
Why does it take 10 women with premenstrual tension to change a light bulb? IT JUST DOES, OK JERK?!!!! NOW SHUT UP OR I WILL STAB YOU WITH THE SCISSORS!
Why did the fox cross the road? It was chassing after the chicken!
If laziness was an Olympic sport... I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium. Edit: too lazy for dictionaries, thanks /u/ReddSpy
How many married women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Yeah right, like married women ever screw anything other than poolboys.....
Food trucks were invented by a guy who really loved fast food but hated how cheap it was & how he didn't have to stand in line forever.
*Feels the chill* Chill: I have a boyfriend
Did you hear about the cannibal who cloned himself to see what he would taste like? It made him shit himself.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: Step 4: Step 5: Step 6: Step 7: Step 8: Step 9: Step 10: Step 11: Step 12: Step 13: Step 14: Step 15: Step 16: Step 17: Step 18: Step 19: Step 20:
How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.
Little known fact: a penguin's head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
What do you call the survivors of the holocaust? Residue.
I used to think I was homophobic. It turns out that I was just afraid of monsters in the closet.
Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long? Because old Hobbits die hard...
A rich kid sees a poor kid kicking a can down the road The rich kid says "Hey, you, what're you doing?" The poor kid says "Moving."
Fat Chinese What do you call a Chinese person? A Chink. What do you call a FAT Chinese person? A Chunk.
What's the difference between a Jew and a Bullet? The Bullet leaves the chamber. Courtesy of my comrade Ivo
Atoms make up everything... so naturally you shouldn't trust them.
What kind of water do you drink when the snow melts? Spring water.
Your vagina is so dry... ...That Native Americans do rain dances around it.
I gave my son some masturbation advice. "Slow the fuck down, you're going to rip my cock off." I told him.
What do you call an Italian hooker? A pastatute!
I am not pro gay. I am not even amateur gay. But, I support their rights.
I broke up with my gym We just weren't working out.
I'd name my daughter Roxanne. I'd play the song for her all the time so she knows she doesn't HAVE to be a prostitute.
What do the World Trade Center and genders have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's too offensive to talk about.
Excuse me, miss. I'm sure you hear this everyday but... ... do you know where the nearest McDonald's is?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I opened a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats Prophets are going through the roof
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Why don't the citizens of Boston build igloos? Meh. They just aren't in' uit.
I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
How do you tell the difference in an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Taste
When I killed a... When I killed a honeybee dad told me no honey for a week. When I killed a butterfly he said no butter for a week. Well mom just killed a cockroach, should I tell her for you?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Blue ! Blue who ? Blue away with the wind !
A neutron walks into a bar... ...and asks "how much for a drink?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge."
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."
A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and finds out he has five penises. The doctor says, "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?" The man says, "Like a glove."
LPT How to beat morning wood I find my right hand does the job quite nicely.
Yea, let's do that Old bull and young bull are enjoying a snack atop of hill one morning, and the young bull shouts 'let's run down there and fuck all these heifers!' Old bull replies ' let's walk'
I wasn't snoring.. I was dreaming I'm a dirt bike.
What's black, purple, and hates sex? The kid in my trunk.
What's the difference between a jew and a dollar? It's illegal to burn a dollar.
Did you hear about the sewer line breaking during a funeral earlier? It was a shitty mourning.
What is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
Justin Bieber? Why would someone call their daughter Justin?
Today may be the hottest day of the year but all the other days have nicer personalities.
How do you play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? When your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, take two shots.
How do you hire an elephant ? Stand it on four bricks !
Can someone give me a pun about death of a salesman. preferably about willy, but anything will do
[first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you see later, and the other after a while.
Drinking Remember, it isn't drinking alone when you're pregnant.
Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by "A man who layeth with another man must be stoned."
Let's get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy?
You guys have been the worst hostages I've ever used, hands down. *everyone lowers their hands* GODDAMN IT!!
I pick and choose the traffic laws I'll follow.
Solid Snake is hiding in the shadows what time is it? Time for you to get a watch.
Just what is it that makes Italian desserts so appealing? One cannoli guess.
When stoves die... they go to hoven. I'm^so^sorry
5 and I are playing "guess the number I'm thinking of" with no limits and no clues. He's guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
So I read this book about a camping trip, It was really intents... I'll see myself out.
I bet it's crazy hard to do the YMCA dance in Chinese...
I had a job circumcising elephants. The pay wasn't much, but the tips were huge!
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything. I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete idiots.
Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today Thankyou daylight savings
What does DJ Khaled call his mexican friends? Another Juan
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Before Twitter, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I'll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig shake?  WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.
*Girl opens Xmas present* "Why'd you get me carrots and lettuce?" "Wait but that means-" *Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
If you ever Google "Gary Oldman" For fuck sakes don't forget the "r" in Gary!!!
What is a childs's favourite type of Halloween candy? Lots a candy.
How embarrassing! I tripped and fell out of my clothes.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
what is the hardest part to eat on a vegetable? the wheelchair.
As a kid, I had a real obsession with Posh Spice It cost my parents a fortune in saffron...
Imagine a place where you can buy everything related to the Sith and the Dark Side It would be called the Darth Mall... ...and everything would be half off
If your joints pop, snap, and crack when you move your not old... Your just crispy. 
Difference between an android and an iphone. *iphone falls to the floor* Breaks screen. *android falls to the floor* Breaks floor.
An old man was asking God: "God, how much time do I have until I'll die?" And God answered: "Nine." "God, is that you? What do you mean? Nine months? Nine years?" "Eight, seven, six..."
whats the worst thing about being a black jew? you have to sit in the back of the oven...
God's last name isn't damn. Well technically it's "Jean God Van Damn"
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? No one's ever paid to have a lentil on their face.
What did Beyonce say when Jay-Z refused anal? If you liked it you should had put a ring muscle on it!
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.
I'm really bad at making at fences Oops, wrong place for this post
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling "Wilbur, you include your brother!"
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot It got so bad, eventually we had to take his bike away
Whoever coined the phrase coined the phrase is a fucking asshole.
What do you call a soldier that got attacked by mustard gas and pepper spray?? A seasoned veteran
What was the border patrol agent's greatest regret? The Juan that got away.
Arguing with someone spoils your day and mood, increases your blood pressure and is bad for your health. Instead of arguing, Just punch them in the fucking face and be done with it.
Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it... I almost dropped my beer in shock.
Q: What is the pink stuff between  elephant's toes? A: Slow clowns.
Two unconnected vertices? That's where I draw the line.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I don't like going to the beach. I'm a playa hater.
My wife and I got into an argument she said 'you should treat me like I'm the last woman on earth' I said- what, lock you down in the basement and let men cum on your face for a million dollars?
[Sick Humour] What sits in the corner of the room, crying and getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a vegetable peeler.
I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my Granddad in that concentration camp during the war... Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...
I've been reading an interesting book about rainbows and colors. It taught me different ways to view color. It's not all black and white
How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
What did one lesbian vampire say to another? See you next month.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents!
What is colder than the dwarf planet Pluto? Legal judgements against fathers
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his: "Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad."
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents.
Do flashers have dreams where they leave the house and suddenly realize they've got their pants on?
I'm not saying you're an idiot, I'm typing it.
There are 10 types of people: Those who understand binary code and those who don`t.
My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret. She's never going to play monopoly with me again!
I can't handle the pressure of competitions. Even in eating races I choke!
A Storm Trooper and a Red Shirt get into a fight. Storm Trooper misses every shot. Red Shirt dies anyways.
Facebook: where English goes to die.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say "Sorry, I'm with a client."
I wear gasoline for cologne because b*tches love money.
If Donald Trump became president... one could say he coined a term.
I hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts making explosive noises so I check and it's still cold. Why you gotta be so childish?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
English and American spellings England: colour America: color England: humour America: humor England: flavour America: flavor England: What the hell are you doing? America: Getting rid of u
How many questions did the politician answer? 9/11
What do chickens serve at birthday parties ? Coop-cakes !
There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums.
It Looks Like a Booger But it's SNOT!
What do you call a metalhead with a cold? Flemmy
Trump and Hillary are in a plane crash. Who survives? America
got my blood test results back today, and it's just as i feared. my body is filled with a ton of blood.
Therapist: So what's the problem? Wife: He thinks he's a flamingo. Me: That's it! I'm putting my foot down. *lowers foot that was raised*
I told my wife she should call me a champion bullrider... Because I consistently last 8 seconds riding a horned animal.
I may not look good naked, but I'm a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
Turkey shot down Syrian helicopter at the border. How did they train it to do that?
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It ain't hard....
Remember how terrified Sarah Connor was when the Terminator came around the corner @ the hospital in T2? IMAGINE IF IT HAD BEEN STEVE HARVEY
A math joke told to me by another redditor... So... What did the integral say to the equation? "I don't even..."
The Final Jeopardy category is: Movies. The answer is: 300. The correct question is: on a scale of 1 to 10, how gay was that movie?
What do you get when you cross Ebola and Tourette Syndrome?
My favorite workout is a mix between a lunge and a crunch, I call it lunch.
A shitty geometry joke What do you call a fancy bisexual scottish cane? An anglo biscepter
My dog has figured out I'm Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it. Silly dog, I'm not going to eat you until I train a replacement.
I heard the comedians at Jamestown were pretty bad... The punchlines were so shitty everyone died.
If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I'm currently undefeated with this method.
My girlfriend tried to tell me an abuse joke But I beat her to the punch
Yesterday, I subscribed to Bigflix ...And now my new favorite word starts with a P and ends with O R N... That's "Popcorn"!! What were you thinking you pervert!!!
.. How are you on your grind, if you're on twitter all the time?
Why did Tiger Woods cheat on his wife? He's used to playing 18 holes.
women's rights
- If any person believes that these 2 shouldn't be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or... - THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT! - Ugh, I do.
What does a dog like to wear when it's exercising? Pants.
What goes "quick, quick"? Duck in a hurry. (c) beatattitude 2014
Its cool to pee into blue toilet water and watch it turn a different color... just not when it turns purple
what do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates? a tear-jerker
Mexican Carpet layer. What does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay! Underlay!
The frog was double parked... And that's why she got Toad.
If a man named Terry Richards kills you because you insulted him; what did you die of? Dissing Terry.
I can't believe after all that shit they're back together again... &gt;who? &gt;my ass cheeks.
Why is gay marriage still a thing? Because people are fucking assholes
I asked my daughter's dentist for her favorite joke. Was not disappointed. What is the latest fad among teenage mermaids in the city of Atlantis? Taking shellfies with their shellphones.
What do you get hanging from orange trees? Sore arms.
Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven't decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.
Q: How do cats buy things? - A: From a  cat-alogue!
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? Because she's dead.
I can't stand the kids of this generation. It's always meme, meme, meme.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with "two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips."
What is the thing called that irrigates your lawn? A garden Jose.
Free Willy.....Again?!?!?! Why da phuq! Did they have to "free Willy" so many f***ing times?!?!
Sometimes I masturbate while driving The passengers on my bus don't like it, but the high school hasn't fired me yet...
What i if told you You that read wrong And that probably too
The first time I spent the night at my girlfriend's house, her father would not let us sleep together... ...which is a shame because he was very attractive.
Dark jokes Saturday: What is the most offensive brand name you can come up with? Winners get gold! My contribution: "Auschwitz" air freshener.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.
I was talking to some insects about my feet. I think they're pretty big, but mosquitos think they're bite-sized.
So the past, present, and future walk into a bar. It gets really tense.
Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut. #DadJokes
[DEATH ROW] WARDEN: Last meal? CON: Just a glass of lemonade please *Drinks lemonade/Burps* WARDEN: Pardon [CON WALKS FREE]
*smoke detector chirps* me*takes battery out* *chirp* me*cuts wires* *chirp* me*smashes it with a hammer* *chirp* wife:We have more than one
Raspberry buy guitar Raspberry take lessons Raspberry answer ad Raspberry show up at drummer's house Raspberry plug in Raspberry Jam
So the American people's choices for President of the United States will most likely be Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton. That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline.
How many South Americans are boycotting the World Cup final? Brazilians
How does an abstract artist paint? They wipe their ass with canvas.
What did the fuse say when it blew out? Sorry, I couldn't resist.
What do you call a reptile that loves putting things in groups? a segreGATOR
Do you guys know the story about the broken pencil? Nevermind, it has no point.
What's the one thing Spider-man can't eat? Uncle bens rice
Why did the flume ride need repairs? Because it got waterlogged.
A question related to math so Bob has 20 dollar and Tyrone takes 15 dollars away from Bob. What color is Tyrone ?
If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.
Questionably funny "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Police" "Police who?" "Police open the door" Posted this in anti-jokes since it is not really funny, and was told to put it here.
Girls call me the Burgermeister Meisterburger... After they get with me, they throw away all their toys.
What did the Japanese General say to his kamikaze trainee? Despite what everyone tells you, you'll never learn from your mistakes.
What does a plumber call screwing his wife [NSFW] Servicing the dishwasher
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Why do owls not mate when it's raining? Toowet Towoo
I drink black coffee Because I'm not racist.
I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers... I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."
A Nurse talks to her young Patient Kid: Thanks for helping me get through these tough times, will you come and see me when I get out? Nurse: I'd love to, but I am scared of visiting graveyards
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans!
A dyslexic agnostic stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.
People Say It's Annoying When I Talk To Myself... Stop being so hard on yourself.
*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare* Boss: What are you doing? Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
What kind of horses only come out after dark? Nightmares!
What brings the monster's babies? The  Frankenstork.
March Into Battle by Sally Forth
"You are what you eat." I'm about 90% burrito.
What is your favourite shaggy dog tale?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you're not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
What is the difference between Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler? Hitler had big hands
I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. I was in stitches for two weeks.
What would you rather have Parkinson's or Alzheimer's? At least with Parkinson's you have half a pint.
What do you call a paedophile crustacean? A Diddler Crab
Toddler: I don't like you. *hits* Adult: I don't like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Whats the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You dont have to beg your wife to blow one of them.
Why did the AC wave try to hang himself? He was sinusoidal.
WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If a movie is ever titled Reception, we know it won't be starring AT&T.; Am I right? Up top!
I wish there was some way to tell if someone was an idiot or not. But we can't have everything we wish for. -Send from my iphone
If it's true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
"OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"
Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series... I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.
[in Paris] Will you have sex with me? "No monsieur." Okay, like, I don't speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change. 4yo: *Goes upstairs *Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Although many forms of punctuation are thought to be antiquated, I still believe we live in a hyphen-nation. I still believe we live in a hyphen-nation.
What does a neckbeard call a disease or ailment? ma'lady
An Apple store near where I live got robbed $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.
What does the 'H' in Jesus 'H' Christ stand for? Haploid
I woke up next to a girl this morning... She must have been absolutely wasted, she didn't know who I was, Although that may have been the Roofies I slipped in her drink.
I have a terrible habit of telling people when I have to take a shit. Heh, gotcha.
Its pretty annoying how women complain about having 1 baby in their stomach I have like a million in my ballsack and im not complaining.
Your mom's like a gong, everybody bangs her.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am, can you fucking believe that, 2:30am. Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash. The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."
Did you hear about the cannibal that ate undercooked food? He threw his arms up in disgust.
In a Mexican restaurant, Are the restrooms called "Juans"?
Bar joke - What's the difference between the dog and the fox? About four beers
Library Asked librarian for book on suicide. Said no one returns them.
Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing   A:a cold
US follows Britain BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!" *BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE* USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"
airplane food whats up with that?
When someone says we can do something "weather permitting" I remind them that weather's not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I'm not going.
How many Biology undergrads does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but doing it will make them think they're going to be an electrician in the future.
What causes something to go up and then down? Viagra falls
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
What got the apple into skydiving? Pear pressure.
What's the difference... Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and an ass-kisser? A: Depth Perception
is that a banana in your pocket or oh cool yeah good source of potassium.
I got a vasectomy at Sears! Was really inexpensive, but now whenever I get an erection, my garage door opens.
Have you seen the world's biggest thermometer? I hear it's fair in height
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Experimental Music sounds like a cool idea until you realize that the experiment is how bad something can be, and still be called music.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What's the last sound you hear before a pube hits the floor? tppppthh...."spit sound"
"The best part of waking up was the Folgers in my cup" - Suicide note, first draft
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokin-off!
This joke isn't fast. It's not slow either. I guess it's just half-fast.
Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan's, plays video games, and watches sports with me" wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga
How do teenage boys keep warm? Jackit
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
What's that one place in Thailand called? Ahh Phuket. Nevermind.
Damn girl are you Schrodinger's cat cos you're in a box and all these nerds are talking about you? Sir have some respect this is a funeral.
Have you heard the latest trend... Have you heard the latest trend that's blowin' up the Internet? It's cyber-terrorism.
I thought reverse psychology was when.. you made your therapist cry
Having sex is like playing an instrument. When you do it right, you'll start hearing noises.
English joke - What's another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses
What kind of pizza do pilots like? Plain.
I'm surprised the human race doesn't solve more conflicts with warm bread.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene? ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Statistics never show how many accidents each year are the direct result of a guy checking out some chick's ass.
How does Hitler line people up to get ready for mass genocide? Jew by Jew
The phrase "Getting nickeled and dimed" hasn't kept up with inflation... We're definitely getting dollared now.
Some coworkers sign emails with "cheers" or "sincerely" followed by their names but I typically use "you've made a powerful enemy today."
Old joke perfect for redditors. Frog walks into a library and the librarian puts down books and the frog says "reddit, reddit, reddit.". Just thought I'd share
What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland? Not a lot, but in both you can pay for sex with chips.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality] "what were you in for?" murder, a guy... a guy... "spit it out man" a guy, interrupted me
Why learn a second language, when you don't have anything interesting to say in your first one?
"You are what you eat." Not exactly the best thing to say to a paralyzed vegetarian
New Irish sport A new sport is sweeping Ireland. Apparently everyone gathers round and watches a scruffily dressed man lazing about. It's called "Tramp-o-leaning".
I'm more than tenacious. I'm elevenacious.
Why do husbands typically die before their wives? They want to.
A few years back dos Equis asked me to be the spokesperson for their beer. I told them I wasn't interested.
pushing an obese dude down a hill wasn't what i had in mind when you asked me if i wanted to roll a fatty.
Where do SJWs belong? In an oven.
The worst part of forgetting a woman's name... Is when you can't quite come up with it, but she's right on the tip of your tongue.
Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why were you late? Pupil: Sorry teacher I overslept. Teacher: It's three in the afternoon!
More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say "um"
It's been confirmed by People Magazine that Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman I say good on him, at least he's got the balls to do it.
What did Horatio say to the pathological liar in CSI: Miami? Won't get fooled again!
interviewer: any interests outside of work me: war and space documentaries mom: he means star wars me: mom stay in the car mom: nerd
A muslim, a communist, and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar. The bartender says hello Mr. President.
What do you call a fake shit? A sham poo
What travels down an alley and has holes in it? A bowling ball. Or Bruce Wayne's parents.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me.... ...should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Every onion looks like it was in an abusive relationship.
folks nowadays love Buzzfeed lists. well guess what kids, I've got a "Top 10 list" for u thats total #WIN. it's called the 10 Commandments
(NSFW) What's the difference between Jam and Jelly ...You can't jelly your dick down a girls throat
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging her" until I was 11.
Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans
I was going to make a pun about flexibility I decided not to because it was too much of a stretch.
The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship... It is truly without pier.
Women are good for 70 things. cleaning house, and 69
We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year. We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.
What's wrong with Andrew Jackson? He had an Underground Rail Road too, called the Trail of Tears.
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar
I hate Russian Dolls They're so full of themselves.
I found out how to make my penis 16 inches I Fold mine in half
My buddies said I should sign up for a Golf Tournament I told them no, I always lose, Then they said it was for crippled children. I thought, well damn, maybe I could win this then.
Donald Trump doesn't like Mexicans, and I'm terrible with timed writing prompts. I guess we have similar opinions... We both hate ese's.
Pete and Repete walk into a bar... Pete and Repete walk into a bar, Pete walks out. Who is left?
They constantly call trump a white supremacist, but how can he be that when he's not even white himself? He is orange.
I like my comedic timing like my pizza delivery With pepperoni.
Why does the US name Arkansas Arkansas Because Its Arkansas not YourKansas
Don't forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Pretty certain the only way I'd ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.
I'm on a dinghy!
What do you call a semi truck owned by an Italian? That rig a Tonys.
What do you call a "to-go" dish ordered from German-Italian restaurant? Alfredosehen
Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first!
What do Syrian refugees eat for breakfast? Syrial!
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire
Women's magazines: 20 pages "accept yourself" 40 pages "loose 30kgs in 4 weeks" And Cake recipes..
(NSFW) What did cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged.
Ask me if I'm a tree. "Ok, are you a tree?" No
When drinking liquor while watching baseball, at what point will you be the most drunk? Bottom of the fifth, of course.
"Algebra."  really laid back oceanographer, responding to "What's that green stuff?"
If she is married or has a boyfriend make sure she swallows the evidence.
Fifteen years ago we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs and no hope.
Women order the fuck out of coffee. "Give me a chocolate mocha latte with 3 sugars, 2 Splendas, 4 elf pubes and 2 grams of pixie dust."
I didn't expect a bug to crawl out of my Meth stash... But it just came out of the blue.
What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies? A garbage truck
How did the hipster got his tongue burnt? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did Ned Stark say when his daughter told him that she was pregnant? Are ya?
Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back.
Why don't Southern girls engage in orgies? Too many thank-you notes.
I think my favorite MLK Day tradition is giving pans of ex-lax laced brownies to all the local racist organizations.
What does a duck put in its burrito? Quackamole.
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate it's tits a lot.
What are you going to do for a face? When the monkey wants its bum back? :D
I googled "where do ninjas live?" no results were found. Well played ninjas. Well played.
My signature sex move is flirting like a pornstar then getting awkward as fcuk once it looks like something could actually happen.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
If con is opposite of pro .... then is Congress the opposite of progress?
A seal walks into a club... _
Wife: Your PMS jokes aren't funny. Me: I can't help it, they just flow out of my mouth. Wife: ... Me: Fine. No more. Period. Wife: *eyeroll*
Why is thanksgiving such a special holiday at the gas station? It is a day to be tankful.
[creation of insects] LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night BEE: I will pollinate flowers FLY: I will eat shit and die
My VW Beetle can't deliver when I want a "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY" honk. It's all, "Hi! Let's get a latte after you move just a smidge!"
Two Sardars were fixing a bomb in a car. Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing? Sardar 2: Don't worry, I have one more.
A male feminist walks into a bar. . . Because it was set so low
How are Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd similar? Both's greatest hit was The Wall
I've always wanted to pursue a career in self-deprecating humor I'd go for it if I wasn't so fucking stupid.
My mom wants a new cooking skillet for Christmas. I haven't got the dough, but oh well, we'll see how things pan out.
Runs with scissors Gets hit by bus
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
You know what really grindes my gears? When I don't push the clutch down far enough.
What is white and 14 inches long? Nothing.
2 out of 3 Americans live beside a paedophile Not me though. I live beside two hot 12 year olds
"Nobody knows my suffering." - Everybody
An old favorite I just remembered What the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
I got confused watching highlights from the SAG awards. I always thought they were the 15-year reunions of the AVNs.
Why did the dyslexic man have slime on his face? Because I told him a good joke.
Recently during the heavy rains they have experienced in New England the mail carrier for one neighborhood commeneted on the "pouring rain." Well atleast the dew point is coming down!
Why don't women wear skirts in the winter? Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?
Why do French tanks have review mirrors? Because they want to see the front line too
Doctor doctor give me the news I've got a bad case of lov- oh what's that? It's AIDS? Well that just doesn't rhyme at all
ME: why is my son failing TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he'll be intelligent ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Hey @realDonaldTrump, try pressing the caps lock key... @realDonaldTrump: O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
What meme do Uber drivers hate? Do you even Lyft, bro?
My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.
What's the difference between having sex while skydiving and a smelly vagina? Well, one's a kinky stunt...
Be There or Be Square Because if you will be there, you will be around.
Word of the day - Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.
Atheism just made less sense to me once I saw my neighbor Karen's tits.
How do astronomers plan a party? they planet.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that: 1. I'm not the laziest girl in the land 2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Why are there so many female archaeologist? Bitches love digging up the past
You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?
A rabbi, a Priest, and a duck walk into a bar... and the bartender says "What is this, a fucking joke?"
Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table? A: "Use the fork, Luke."
I have a stepladder because.... My real ladder left me when I was young.
If you're in a bar and a newscaster says, "Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene," don't shout, "It was an action figure!"
Everyone had heard of the Ronald McDonald house for abused children..... Now they're opening the tempura house for lightly battered women.
My girlfriend's dad accused me of being a pedophile just because she's 18 and I'm 32. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
Peanut butter You're almost as good as chocolate Which is almost as good as cheese Which is tied with vodka -Poem about the food pyramid
Thanks for being here right on time. We'll see you in a few hours. - Doctors
I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff. As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down". So I started smiling.
Why do vampires hate Texas Roadhouse? They can not stand stakes!
The Simpsons will never run out of money. Homer's always bringing home the D'oh!
What do you call an Arabic woman being double penetrated? A sandbitch
I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.
What do you call a midget in a subway saying, "tick...tick...tick..."? A metro-gnome
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Turns out there is no Easter today, they found the body.
Girls say I'm an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
There are two types of people in the world Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
What happened when the man asked the salesman  for a good belt? "O.K. you asked for it" the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.
I hate tattoos For instance, if you get a tattoo of a Tarantula, 60 years later it'll look like Daddy Long Legs.
A naked jew with an erection ran into a wall He broke his nose
People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
I find it quite sexy to see cum dribbling out of a girl's vagina. But not if I've just taken off her knickers.
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it'll take 10 episodes.
Starting a dating site for old farts like me calling it carbon dating.
I bought a universal remote the other day and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"
News, just in: Truck Stolen! A lorry containing 150 pallets of Viagra was stolen last night. Police are searching the country for a gang of hardened criminals.
Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.
Why did the lettuce blush? Because he saw the salad dressing
What do you call a fat Asian? A chunk
Who was Mako Mori's existentialist monk brother? Memento.
Guess drunk? I'm what!
Poor superman.he can't go commando without the whole world noticing
A day in the life of a dick A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him on a daily basis.
I'm sitting outside drinking myself into a stupor. I may feel like shit tomorrow but by God, so will the mosquitoes.
Did you hear about the chef that died? He pasta way We cannoli do so much
A Lord of the Rings Joke How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died? He read it in the Hobbituary.
How do you starve a worthless mooch? By hiding his employment check in his work boots.
Have you heard about the midget psychic who broke out of jail? He's a small medium at large!
I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess That's how i lost my job as a pilot.
A lot of people ask me "why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?"
Jewish Joke About Warm Weather                   . Dude. It was so hot, I swear that I'd convert to Christianity for the Baptism.
The only joke I know ....... What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch penis? A fungi to be with
Knock knock. "Who's there?" Christopher Walken. "Christopher Walken who?" Christopher Walken and then walk out after his weird cameo.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? Bare Grylls
Why doesn't Monica Lewinsky like going to the doctor? He always shoves a Bill down her throat!
I went to the opticians today, you'll never guess who I bumped into. Everybody
I have a great motto for a sperm bank. You spank it, we bank it.
I like my women like I like my reality shows.... Naked and afraid.
2016: The year Brock Turner got sentenced to 3 months but America got 4 years.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to the luncheon? They gave him the cold shoulder.
"I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others"- The phrase that started Facebook.
How do you know if you are a necrophiliac? You get mourning wood
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My name should just be man1012... because I have no D. (according to a YT commenter)
My doctor said that she thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. I'm not surprised, I irritate everyone else so it makes sense that my bowels would be sick of my shit.
Kinky involves a feather. Perverted involves the whole bird.
How do you know you put the right joke in the right thread? Don't worry, someone will tell you.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I haven't been sexually active because I'm saving myself... Some money.
What do you call a company run entirely by ghosts? An incorporation.
I started a cold air balloon business. I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
What do root vegetables do at tha club? Turnip
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I like my men like I like my coffee black, ground up and in the freezer.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I'm eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
I have a black belt in leather
I became a vegetarian 4 months ago.. .. I guess you can say that I quit cold turkey
What did the sphinx say? What did the sphinx say when he found out the pharaoh caught him up in a pyramid scheme? Egypt me!
"Honey, remember our first date?" "Awh, are you planning something for Valentine's?" "No, I forgot my password. It's the security question."
What's the difference between a whore and a truck? The truck can only take the load from behind where as the whore can take it from anywhere.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
How do you titilate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot.
Did you hear about the time Pontius Pilate got really drunk? He ended up nailing Jesus.
Why can't two Asian parents have a Caucasian baby? Two Wongs don't make a white
There is so much dust on that drawer that if you sneeze on it mattress will fall out.
Every minute in america... Costs you 5 dollars.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
why do gorillas have such big nostrils? because they have big fingers
Two condoms are walking down a street. A gay bar appears. One condom says, "Hey, wanna get shitfaced?"
Which blood type do most of the people in Taiwan's capital city have? Taipei
What does the Pillsbury Dough boy hide under his apron? Dough nuts!
I'd rather have leg hands than arm feet.
I never thought a fleshlight would feel like the real thing, but last night I got drunk and totally tried it. And I have to say, it was a pretty good fucksimilie.
My wife saw a psychic and found out I was cheating That's the last time I banged a psychic
ME: I'm off to that meeting BOSS: Forget something? M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead] B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out. But she pulled some strings and got me in.
[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate... ...everyone came. You should have seen her face.
Can a ninja bring a ninja star into the airport? Shuriken.
Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest? He wanted to see that booty bounce.
If I'd been around in France when Marie Antoinette said "let them eat cake," I would've been like "wait a minute, let's hear this lady out."
What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician? To the airport please
What do you call the Wal Mart cheer? Spelling classes!
Its so busy at work... I feel like a priest and all my tickets are altar boys, I need to touch them all.
A joke so absolutely filthy I can't put it in the title Rio Olympics
Marrige has 3 rings... The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Apple needs to build a product for older gentlemen who have become fathers. iPop
I hate being bipolar it's awesome
[Heaven] Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You're here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL Me: Too soon...
What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe? You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.
How many white girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, it has to be an odd number, because they literally cannot even.
The future The world in 10 years... MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100... Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?
A message from a girl Received a messages from a girl, "come quickly to me, there's nobody home." I went. Indeed, there was no one.
What do you call Batman skipping out on church? Christian Bail
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I'M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My friend got caught having a wank in the showers on a school trip It completely ruined our visit to Auschwitz
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? The Mercedes can easily reach 40.
Does liking a sad status update mean I'm sympathetic for them or I like that they are sad?
Which porn video release are you most looking forward to? I'm excited about the next but one
Two Congressmen are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No SOPA, radio!"
Why don't women blink during sex? They don't have time!
I can't understand how Bruce Jenner wants to become a woman The plastic surgery has got be mildly painful, but the sucking out of half the brain has got be excruciating.
Him: 'Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?' Me: -whimpering 'She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle'
My reactions 1st child's problems: I WILL fix this!! 2nd child's problems: Let me know if you need help. 3rd child's problems: Good luck.
What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time? Pleased to eat you!
What do you get when you divide (Sin B) by (Tan B)? You get roofies, cuffs and a sore butthole
What do you get if a post office burns down? Black mail.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I'm about to go over the 140 character limit...& den u no how it b.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. People who understand binary and people who don't.
Louis FarraKhan and Jeffery Dalmer walk into a bar... ehhhh I got nothin.. just thought that would be a hilarious start to a joke.
Bacon is like a woman it looks good it smells good it tastes good and it slowly kills men
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend* WILL YOU MARRY ME *2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later* HELL NO
what do you call a mexican with no legs? A paragraph, because he's not a full essay.
"Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."
Why don't boxers have sex before a fight? They don't fancy each other.
Some one gave me a broken knife 3 days ago. I didn't get the point.
Why do we hit things when they don't work? Because it worked with slavery
If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Why do witches laugh when they ride their brooms? because they're not wearing any panties.
"So do you want me to climb up with my bare hands or can I use some sort of climbing device?" The latter.
I need some white people jokes. I was talking with some guys at work and came to find that we are all disappointed at the lack of white people joke we know, so let hear what you've got.
Seaside Treats by Rhoda Donkey
What's the difference between hitler and a gay man. A 45 degree angle.
For lent, I'm going to give up sexual innuendos but it's hard... so hard!
The diamond ring on your finger says "married" but the reveling clothes you are wearing says "still looking."
What does former Vice President Gore play on the guitar? An algorithm
I remember... when I used to be really nostalgic. Those were the days.
It's only a problem if others know about it.... *Sweeps problems under rug*
Why do airplanes manufactured in Spain have windshield wipers on the inside? Because the rain in Spain falls mostly in the plain.
What do gynecologists and pizza delivery guys have in common? They have to smell it but they can't taste it!
A 40 year old man goes to buy a car.... and all he can afford is a base model civic.
What's the difference between light and hard? You can still fall asleep with the light on!
I accidentally drank a bottle of ink. The doctor says I'll be fine, but I feel as though I've dyed inside.
It'd be cool if a firetruck was like an ice cream truck and just drove around selling fire to kids.
If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.
Every time I get an AIDS test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive And every time I'm right.
What do you call a terrorist video store? Blockbuster
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
*Opens fortune cookie* ~You just ate cat, you thought was beef.
[Food Network: Cake Wars] As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table. Cat Judge pushes it off the table
What's gay and has no balls? A lesbian.
What did the cow say in winter? Oh my god. I'm Friesian!
How do you make a cat woof? soak it in gasoline and light it on fire... WOOF!
whats the differns between a blonde and a computer you only have to punch the computer once to get the imformation out of it
Record for the world's smallest penis? Must be hard to beat.
Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it's really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) "How many do I need to get an Xbox?" "Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"
This guy just threw milk on me! How dairy....
Potentially offensive Muslim pick-up line [NSFW] Hey girl, are you prayer? Because I'd love to do you 5 times a day
"Why does stuff like this always happen to me?" - gay passenger on Titanic
When you watch tv with the closed captioning on... You've got to take their word for it.
I tried snorting coke once... but the bubbles kept burning my nose.
A musician always closed his eyes when he sang. When asked, he replied, "I can't bear to see people suffering."
Don't give your heart to someone unless you're 100% certain that you're dead.
So I was going down on this girl. And I tasted horse semen, I looked up at her and said "ahh Grandma that's how you died"
Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up? He had a lot of aspirations.
Cat lovers Their pets also qualify for the obnoxious neighbor award.
I'm never buying a fish fryer from Linkin Park ever again. I fried so hard, and got sole far, but in the end it doesn't even batter!
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I'm not buying it as I don't think she can even say, "Please kick me in the face".
Beer commercials really overestimate how many attractive people live in my apartment building.
Sorry, I'm in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Want to hear a joke about nitric oxide? sodium hypobromite
I like my women like my chicken... White meat only.
[Office] *Dolphin accidentally dials fax number Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek Dolphin:Well, I don't normally do this. But yes I'm free tonight
Why did the rabbit cross the road? Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it's usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeno for me.
How do witches lose weight? They join weight witches.
The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant.. I didn't, so I told him to use it in a sentence.
My Dad had the eye of the tiger ...and a life time ban from the national zoo
[at interview] Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you. Me: I'm good with numbers.
Dead penis
At first I didn't like my new haircut but it slowly grew on me.
Silly joke I made up today.. How did Pedro fix his car? With Espana.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean Voila Suddenly they all remember plans they've forgotten Ah quiet
"The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-" "Juror is dismissed"
Who's the first Jewish guy to get a Heisman Trophy? "Fred Goldman, because he's got mine!" - OJ Simpson
why did the possum cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.
I was getting a checkup from my doctor this morning He said "Now son, you gotta stop masterbating!" I said in shock " what?" He replied "Well At least until I finish your God damn exam!!"
What do you call two black men on a videotape? Evidence.
The Laser Weapon by Ray Gunn
Your Mom is so old... She had to use her own face for emoticons.
What's Darth Vader's least favorite temperature? Luke warm. ^^im ^^sorry
Sorry but if these walls could talk I'm pretty sure they'd talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you're blowing out of proportion.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
There is a nudist convention on in town next week. I might go if I have nothing on.
A prickle of porcupines A murder of crows A flamboyance of flamingos A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts A shrewdness of apes A parla
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad that I eventually had to take his bike away.
How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand touches the little hand
I didn't know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Why did God invent yeast infections? [NSFW] So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
Why are all lesbians ill? They lack vitamin D
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me. [Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead] [Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My dream job? That's easy: Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone. That's Old School Twitter.
What is the most religious medicine? The Deacon gestant
Have you heard of the object without mass? It doesn't matter
What do you call playing chess against yourself? Chessturbation.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
Racism is like Nickelback... I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.
Life is like a penis... Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free... It's women who make it hard!
The bar (Dad joke) First guy walks into a bar. Second guy walks into the same bar. Third guy ducks.
What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
Hey friend wanna hear a joke ? Another time.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!! ME: omg a talkimg city
Advice to women: don't confuse men with credit cards.
bad "it's so hot...." one-liners Two that I came up with... It's so hot that Stryper sang "To Today With the Devil" It's so hot that Karen Carpenter ate an ice cream sandwich. your turn!
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn't talk back.
Where do Siths do their shopping? At the Darth Mall
Have you heard about the guy who finally overcame his coprophilia? He got off scat-free
[high seas] FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack PIRATE: Arr! FIRST MATE: Oh sorry...the men "are" ready to attack
If you shout "I am a STRONG BLACK woman" in front of the mirror enough times then security comes and drags you out of the Gap changing room.
What's the difference... ...between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg
I saw a documentary about beavers... It was the best dam program I've seen in a while
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
What do you call Adrian Monk when he's angry? Rasputin
"I need a car. What do you have?" "Well, we have a Subaru Outback" "But what kind of Subaru?" "Outback" "I don't CARE where you keep it..."
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
The food in our school canteen is perfect. If your a bug!
My doctor told me I needed to see a rheumatologist... I told him that's a strange way to say interior designer.
What type of web developer likes finding bugs Spiders
Everyone lies on their resume but I fear I may have gone overboard with 'immortal' and 'shoots lasers from eyes' and 'hardworking'.
What does Ebenezer Scrooge serve at his Christmas Party? Humburgers!
Women like silent men... they think they're listening!
THAT SMILE A reporter asks Bill Clinton,. 'What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?" He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across."
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt? *Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
What do you call a dictionary that smokes weed? High definition
I just got a DM from a guy who said he was a Day Trader. I offered him 3 Mondays for a Friday.
I'm going to open a restaurant and call it I Don't Care. So us men can finally take u women to the place u want to go to when we ask
Do the French play video games? Wii
My grandfather is such a grammar Nazi that he made every Jew in the camp practice writing every day.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let's build stuff. UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
A Scottish man released a love song for his wife It's called for the sheep
Why do so many American tourists end up in eastern Europe? They get Hungary so they go for Turkey.
What do you call a sketchy neighborhood in Italy? A Spaghetto.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
"Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey the Bear have any children?" "I give up, why?" "Because every time Mrs. Bear gets hot Mr. Bear throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel."
What's the difference between a mining company and priests? A mining company puts miners in shafts.
What's Medusa's favorite cheese? Hehehe.. Gorgon-zola
TIL the odds, as a male college student, of having sex with a given college girl. One in four
Pickup line Hey there, wanna come over and watch porn on my 50 inch flat-screen mirror?
The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so, He felt undermined.
Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN  AND TELL HER HER HAIR SMELLS NICE? A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A DWARF?
Why is an aborted baby so hard to fool? Because It wasn't born yesterday.
People say drugs are bad, but I'm calling complete BS on that. I've only been on meth for 20 minutes and I'm already the king of Jupiter.
I swallowed two pieces of string yesterday I shit you knot
Toaster settings: No.1: "I do nothing." No.2: "I do nothing." No.3: "I do nothing." No.4: "I SET BREAD ON FIRE!"
What do you call a gay author? ...a fabulous fabulist. Thank you, I'll be here all night.
Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: It's the leash I can do!
My friend asked me if I purposely used wordplay in my sentences. I answered ''Nope. Unintended.''
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing  firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Studies show that one in two and a half men are HIV Positive You can thank Charlie Sheen for that
Women say they like a man in uniform but I've been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet :(
What do you call it when a photo of gay lovers falls from the wall and shatters into two pieces, tearing them apart? Broke back-mounting.
Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free.
Before calling me, ask yourself, "Is this textable?"
How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit.
My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.
solipsist joke I'm a solipsist, and frankly, I'm surprised there aren't more of us.
What do you get if you steamroll a crab and a Korean at the same time? A crustacean :D :D
2 fish in a tank, one fish looks at the other and say's "do you know how to drive this thing?"
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
friend: what are your plans for The Purge? [imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL] me: do a murder
At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him what happened, and he just looked at me and said, "I've lost my faculties!"
Irony is when you see someone circle around the parking lot 5 times to get the spot closest to the gym
Roses are red... This one is screwed up, you've been warned. /our flag is too /raise your hand to the sky /and gas all the jews
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a ...? no?
Why were Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul so good in Breaking Bad? They were meth-od acting.
if you give your dog a middle name i hope he runs away
What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers.
A true Irish bean soup is made with exactly 239 beans... ..if you were to add one more bean, it would be too farty.
Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left?" Because black people have no rights
Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
An engineer major asks... "How can we build this?" A business major asks, "How can we finance this?" A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Sherlock was working on his garden, when Watson walked over and asked what he was planting. "What are you planting?" said Watson. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."
What is a pirates favorite article of clothing? His sc*aaarrrr*f Edit: I get it guys, you all have better punchlines than me.
I'm looking for a new nursing home for my mother. Something without phones or access to postage stamps.
My friends say I have a gambling addiction... I bet I don't.
What happened when Bush took Bin Laden's Lunch Money? 9/11.
*Opens fridge *Sees chocolate bar with a note "please don't eat me". *Eats chocolate bar Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
How do you make a Bloody Nicole? Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ...
What if Hitler killed all the Jews The Fine brothers wouldnt exist. Thats all I wanted to say.
Superman: Only one cookie left. Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it? Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO! Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
WIFE: Let's role-play ME: OK W: U be a teacher *I get up & leave* W: Where u going? M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do?
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands I like this joke because it never grows old This joke is off the hook Sorry
What did one ocean say to the other one? Nothing. They just waved...
I really like chicken "So, you really like cocks?" "No, but your mom does." "I'm sorry but she's not a hen..."
In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.
Why did the french man put a bomb on his kitchen floor? Because he wanted to see Linoleum Blownapart.
127 MILLION? How are there 127 million subscribers when the Reddit population is WAY LESS????
&gt;be 17 &gt;miss [(For those who don't get it)](http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2012/4/4/1333548711318/Battleship-board-game-001.jpg)
If Yoko Ono gave you herpes... Would that be strawberry fields forever?
When I was molested at age 7 it was horrible. It must have been his first time or something.
What do you call a Rhinoceros in heat? Horny.
Football players, basketball players and soccer players all play with balls. How come my girlfriend refuses to.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Prostate exam  Okay, I'm going to give you a prostate exam.  ...  It won't hurt a bit...  Hey, doctor, you could have removed your ring!  It's not my ring, it's my watch...
Read a magazine at the doctor's office so I'm all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don't think Bush can beat him.
Why are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired.
If Bill Clinton ever says "I can't. My wife would kill me" What he really means is his wife would have him killed.
I ate some crickets last night. Gave me the runs.
An open letter to the President of the United States. Dear Mr. President I know where you live.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Everything happens for a reason. The reason is a chaotic intersection of chance and the laws of physics.
What does a pirate say when he turns 80? Aye matey
Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.
I ran into the back of a dwarf's car. He said he wasn't happy. I said "Well which one are you?"
Why are women so bad at parking? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck.
dad: I can't find my glasses, can you read what this says for me? me: "Dad do you want to go to Home Depot" dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If I ever wanted to kill myself... climbing up your ego and jumping down to your IQ level would get the job done.
If the universe was a person, s/ he would have a pretty flashy personality. Because s/ he starts everything with a big bang
A young girl swallowed a pin when she was eleven and never felt a prick until she turned eighteen.
Did you hear about the pecan orgy? It was fucking nuts.
What do you call a well read/researched Bernie Sanders supporter? Not a Bernie Sanders supporter.
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.
Name two things that are black and blue and had sex Bill Cosby with his sweater and his accuser
Did you know that the word "suns" upside down is still "suns"?
There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.
It must suck having aspirations of being a serial killer but getting caught on your first murder.
Me: Okay 2 it's time for bed 2: NO! Mommy go to bed Me: Okay *goes to bed
Why did leeroy Jenkins cross the road To get the chicken
What's the opposite of condescending? [gif](http://25.media.tumblr.com/6b1b800af79638830eef30deb8163bbf/tumblr_ms1l531JGu1s29n2zo1_250.gif)
What was Hitler's favorite game? Nahtzee.
Why is it called an XBox One? Because when you see it, you spin one degree and walk away.
The biggest joke of all time! My existence
If the USSR were to become a country again... ...would it be called the Soviet Reunion?
My friend showed up wearing a "Narnia is real" shirt which suits him cause they both aren't planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.
Who is the easiest to get a high-five from in a war? The French. They always have their hands up.
What do you call a Roman guy with pubes in his mouth? Gladiator
I used to be schizophrenic... but now we're ok.
asbestos huh? if what i'm hearing is true they shoudl call it asworstos .
Is mingerbread the opposite of stud muffin?
Shouting "put your hands in the air like you just don't care!" is a fun way to bring a party atmosphere to a bank robbery.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
What's the thing that is about 5-6 inches long, it goes into mouth and when you rub it back and forth it produces a white liquid? A toothbrush.
what's the best part of... Having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
How are men like carpet tiles? If you lay them properly the first time around you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat CAT: that's awful why would they say that? ME: really? CAT: *dies*
If you have 3 tweets in a row that say what you're cooking, what song you're listening to, and what your mood is... just go back to Facebook.
Did you know Cecil was a black lion? And man, even in Africa, the white people **STILL** be killing tiggas.
[NSFW] What did the sperm say to the egg? Cum with me if you want to live.
I'm writing this from the hospital Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
What is a Nazi baker's secret ingredient? White Flour!
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama's ear* - Please stop it *Joe whispers* Say it - No go away *angrily whispers* Say it! - ...please stop Biden my ear
I went to the doctor recently.. * Doctor: Do you play any sports? * Me: Does sex count? * Doctor: Yes * Me: Then no.
How many suh dudes does it take to fix a light bulb? It's already lit fam
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Why did the basketball receive medical attention? He was passed out.
What lights up a football stadium ? A football match !
Everybody laughed at me when I told them I was going to be a comedian. I thought,"Well,that's not bad for a start."
Why shouldn't anybody help cats down a tree? Because they're stuck up
I would tell a joke about chris brown and rihanna But i always forget the punch line
Sorry, can't. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I'd be her type.
KID:Dad what's the difference between a gerbil and a rat DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.
What does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom? Nothing, the pee is silent
What's a capitalist's favourite dessert? PROFITeroles. Bad, I know.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke.
[first date] me: [don't let her know you're a microwave] her: my food is a bit cold me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
What's worse than a centipede with sore feet? A giraffe with a sore throat
The doctor asked for a urine sample, a blood sample and a semen sample So I gave him my underwear
Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.
MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don't get married you idiot.
How do blind people know their ass is clean after they poop? One bark means clean, two means dirty.
Girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material..
Do you ever wake up. Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive. I did. Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Why did the guy not draw a circle? Because there was no point.
Genie: I'll grant you 3 wishes Me: I want to fall in love G: OK next M: With a really nice girl *we both start laughing*
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.
Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife? Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool
I've been told I'm oblivious. I had not noticed this.
An oldie but a goodie: What do Pink Floyd &amp; Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common? Their last biggest hit was The Wall
One potato asks another: -"Are you sure we are related?" -"Yes I yam!"
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
A bodybuilder gets lost in the woods... And dies of starvation when he can't find his whey.
Beauty is only skin deep but that's ok because my eyes can't see any farther than that.
What did the deer say to its lover? You are very "deer" to me.
I've always thought chicken breasts just come from female chickens, but it turns out they come from males as well. I suppose that means that I've literally eaten a ton of cock in my life.
When two idiots have the same dumb idea... special minds think alike
I was an army sniper, until I was discharged. It must have been my accuracy. It was very hit and miss.
Saw Robin Hood. Basically it's a film about stealing 13 dollars from evil movie-goers and giving it to the studios.
How's your homophone needlepoint project coming along? Sew sew
I remember staying up all night waiting for Santa to come When he was done he'd pull up his pants and say "See ya next year kid"
No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
I was passing a Chinese restaurant the other day on my way home... And thought "when in Rome" so I got general tso's
Chicago really is the windy city. After all, they did just win de World Series
Collection of totally offensive jokes, not for the faint hearted
What do all my friends and my dad have in common? i didnt have either growing up
Why did italy cross the road? To switch sides
*at Thanksgiving dinner* Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole. Everyone: *gasp* Me: Just kidding you all are.
What's better than Roses on your Piano? Tulips on your Organ.
I used to hate math, But then I realized, decimals had a point.
Offensive jokes? Is there a subreddit for this?
[Swims out to Sea] *sees shark* OH NO! *dolphins save me* Thanks dolphins! *dolphins ask for a tip [I'm broke] *they return me to the shark*
Taint Why is the taint called your taint? because it taint your nuts and it taint your ass.
My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile I told her, "that's an awfully big word for a six year old".
"Oh, hey! I didn't even recognize you!" means "I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are."
If it wasn't for the 140 character limit, I'd be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Anyone know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? You know, besides the taste.
*kneels to pray* "Hello, God?" "YOU'VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT." "Who is this?" "MY NAME IS BRAD." "Are you in Heaven, Brad?" "NO, INDIA."
I asked my mom why I had to go to singing lessons. She told me it was a skill I needed to a choir.
We wanted to bury our cat Ivy under our ivy but it was too thick to get through so we renamed it dumpster instead.
There's something about curling... ... that rubs me the wrong way.
What happened when Cinderella got to the ball ? She gagged.
The Patriots were impressive last night You don't win a game like that with Luck alone
60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.
Another Sunday at Gym Church w/ Pastor Pumpz. We sang "My Bod is an Awesome Bod", "Bod is Great Bod is Good", and "Be Thou My Protein"
Onion books. Read 'em and weep. (Credit to Andrew O'Niel.)
Me: Sorry, I can't tonight. I already made plans. Him: That's too bad. There's going to be open bar and-- Me: What time should I be there?
Why did he cross back? So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
I participated in a trigonometry competition I got secant place.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
SON: The car's manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way. DAD: Guess you could say- SON: NO DON'T- DAD: -that's sound advice.
A three legged puppy walks into a bar The puppy looks at everyone in the bar and says, I'm looking for the man that shot my paw.
I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects. I mean, there's no point.
The key to comedy? Perfect del ivery
What happens when you put 6 city workers and 6 lesbians in a room together? You get a dozen people who don't do dick
Stop! This is not funny! My dad died in 9/11, his last words were Allah wakbar
Ill draw a drawer But I won't doodle a doodle.
When I die, I want to go like my grandpa..... Peacefully in my sleep, unlike them whinny kids screaming as the bus went off the cliff.
You are what your parents ate too..I'm part black licorice..part hot dog.
I had a good Fallout 4 pun in mind... but I forgot it Radaway...
What do you call the white guy on a bus full of black guys? Coach.
A restaurant patron complained about the limited dessert selection, and an Irish man turned his head to respond. What was the complaint? **Flan AGAIN?!**
Lost a couple FB friends overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn't something I said...
What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down? He fell on his ash.
How do you call a black guy that uses testosterone boosters? Testostyrone.
One man's trash is another man's treasure. Haha you are adopted. Credit to this post? https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/3715bp/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure_would_be/
To the woman who keeps pounding and screaming at my door all night: I'm not letting you go...
Why does pooping get more intense while you're listening to music? Because it's logarythmic.
I think I want to clean mirrors for a living It's just a job I can see myself doing
According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing.
Yelling someone's name in different voices until they finally hear you
The cashier at McDonald's was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby's bottle.
The Queen Elizabeth doesn't have one. The Pope has one, yet he does not use it. Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big, and Brad Pitt's is small. What am I talking about? A last name, you pervs.
What do redditors give one another on Christmas? Gifs.
What could be a good name for a really inappropriate French porno? The Princess and the Frog
What did the owner of the Indian restaurant say when he burned all of his bread? "Don't worry, it's a naan issue."
"Clue" is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Did you hear about the Parisian who jumped off a bridge? He went in Seine.
Jeopardy Contestant: Saturday night for $400 Alex: This when the song Tennessee Whiskey is playing in the background Contestant: What is Jacking Daniels?
What do you call a midget psychic that just robbed a bank? Small medium at large
When I die, I want you to carry my casket So you can let me down one last time.
Am I too fat? Wife: I too fat to be a personal trainer? Me: No honey you just need to lose weight.
I had to stop watching An Inconvenient Truth after 20 minutes. Can't stand movies with that much gore.
One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its ass.
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
How do philosophers shave off their beards? Occam's razor
Why do Christian bands only record with Pro Tools? Because they don't understand how to use Logic or Reason.
A photon checks in at a hotel: "Are you checking in any bags?" asks the concierge. "No", says the photon, "I'm travelling light."
Why did they not allow farmers in Greece? They got tired of all the minotaurs.
The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll hollows.
A black man walks into the doctors with a fancy parrot in his shoulder The doctor says "what a magnificent creature, where did you get that?" The parrot replies "Africa there's millions of them"
There was a Brothel on top of a hill, The man on his way up the hill was Russian The man on his way down the hill was Finnish .....and the man inside Himalayan!!
My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe
That question from your wife for which either answer is wrong Apparently the third answer "it's not the dress" isn't right either.
There are 10 types of people ... Those who understand binary and those who dont !
What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust
Why is fishing dangerous? Sometimes, there's a catch
What is the difference between Virging and non-virgin ? Virgin doesn't give a fuck.
"Truth or dare" "Truth" "What's your credit card number"
What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Guy is taking a super loud dump in the toy. So I kick in the stall door and yell, "Fuck you, man who is shitting!" I kick in the stall door and yell, "Fuck you, man who is shitting!"
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s. Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything
How could the pimp always easily locate his ho? Because, she really stands out on the street.
A Day in Court
She told me to stop singing wonderwall I said "stop stealing other users post for karma you karma-whoring piece of shit."
As an atheist I don't receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say "may God have mercy on your soul."
Hi, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual.
Put a pill in wife's mouth while asleep "WTF you doing?" "for your headache." "I don't have one!" Just what I wanted to hear! *unzip flys
And the award for the best neckwear goes to... Huh, would you look at that, it was a tie.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird's head and that bird just kept right on eating. I've never before felt this close to nature.
*God provides manna from heaven* "Is there gluten in this?"
Where's the safest place to keep a Man-eating toilet? The women's room.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Best alzheimer's joke
My teacher dropped the most dad like joke to me today Me: "Hey can I go to the bathroom?" Him: "I sure hope so." With the biggest proudest smile on his face.
Torturer: I will break you Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness? Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Do you like raisin cookies?.. Then why don't you adopt one?!
I found out that for months my kid has been throwing his poop at beehives. I sat him down and said, "Son, it's time we talked about the turds and the bees."
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.
What did Stevie Wonder think when he got a cheese grater for christmas? That it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.
Why was the beach wet? Because the sea-weed.
Mean jokes are like children with cancer. They never grow old.
When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write "HELP ME" while maintaining eye contact
What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
How are neutrinos and i alike? Were both constantly penetrating your mom
Who was the greatest female author in German history? Ann Schluss. Her books had a way of taking over Czechoslovakia and Austria in particular. edit: Czechoslovakia &amp; Austria
How do Protestants like their orange juice? without Pope
My husband needed more space... So I locked him outside
Whats the difference between a woman and a floppy drive? A Floppy Drive can only take 3.5" Inches.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Three Republicans walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve Republicans here." The Republicans say "That's OK...We don't serve you either.
Joke of the week... /r/leagueoflegends Lmow
Why do people browse reddit on the toilet? For shits n' giggles.
What's the difference between a bucket of sand and period blood? I can't gargle a bucket of sand.
ME: want anything for breakfast? BOSS: just banana [struggling to hold office door shut] ANA: let me in! ME: sorry boss said to ban you
You can put Hillary Clinton supporters into two baskets. The basket of adorables, and the basket of deportables.
What is the awesomest/funniest or even smartest joke u've ever heard
My girlfriend left me because she said I'm a "Clueless idiot." I didn't even know I had a girlfriend.
Why can't Matthew McConaughey make a left turn? Because he's *alright alright alright*.
Nobody uses DVDs. Most of em' use Torrents. Hence DVD Rip
If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a... ...forward four-word foreword for Word.
"Sorry, I don't date block guys."- racist lego woman.
What was Hitler's favorite drink? Orange jews.
What do NRA members and the UCC shooting victims have in common? Both will never get a college degree.
Never cry for an onion that doesn't deserve you.
Where's the safest place to hide money from a man? Under the soap
A giraffe walks into a bar... and says highballs are on me.
All of my passwords are the names of various "Friends" characters. Except for Ross. I've never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Why is a duck when it's round? Because the farther it flies, the fewer.
Asians aren't bad drivers. They're just disoriented.
My buddy's PRETTY drunk... So I took the car key off of his keychain... He's been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Sad to hear of the passing of Liesl von Trapp at the age of 73, going on 74.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
"Thats a killer dirt bike you've got, man!" *dirt bike holds a knife to your throat* Believe me...I know.
How do you get a girl from the Midwest to "s" your "d"? Dip it in ranch.
Why couldn't Adam stop Cain from killing his brother? Because he wasn't Abel.
Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife. Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
"I'd make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem." "Um, population control?" "Kill all the storks. BOOM!"
Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect? FLY, YOU FOOLS!
What is the speed limit of sex? 68, because any faster and you'll flip over and eat it.
Getting mad at commercials for having interracial families
"Hey, I finally watched that movie you've been wanting me to see..." "Oh, so you finally saw Back to the Future?" "Sure did!" "It's about time!"
911 what's the emergency? "How do u unburn pizza?" U burnt a pizza "Yes" I'll send a squad car "Ok will they help?" No ur under arrest
There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking the fuck out.
How do you tell two witches apart? You can't! You don't know which witch is which!
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
Her: are you single? [flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek] Me: haha idk
"Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" -a very curious play goer.
Always toss glitter onto someone when telling them bad news so that the bad news is only the second-worst thing to happen to them that day.
Shia LaBeouf is what happens when you name your child from a random rack of Scrabble tiles.
[couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Love is like a fart If you have to force it, it's going to be shit.
Summer and winter had been growing apart as friends... when summer called up winter she ask him why he was so cold.
How to spot a douchebag in the gym? Really bad so he hurts himself.
What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets? Tally Hoes
An orchestra went to the desert Which member felt the warmest?  The conductor.
What's the difference between blue paint and red paint? The color. Yes, this is an anti-joke. Downvote please.
What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window. Too soon?
Post your original made up joke. No old jokes you've already posted. Here's mine: How did the Asian porn-star become president? By Generar Erection!
My wife is like a hurricane... At the beginning there was a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end I lost my house.
I'll tell you something about my wife She absolutely loves ~~cunilungas~~ ~~cunnilengus~~ ~~cunnelinges~~ cunnilingus Sorry, I always have trouble getting my tongue around it
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish...
My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night. I asked him how he told them apart. He says, "well her brother has a mustache"
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Did Trump make the right choice when choosing his VP? It de-Pence on who you ask.
Nobody loves your text conversation screenshot as much as you do.
I used to be a fan but now I'm an air conditioner.
Me to Dr: I have no energy lately. Dr: you need to exercise more Me:... Dr:... Me: Let's start this again.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Guess who I ran into today, Billy. "Who, dad?" Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
Why'd the hipster burn his mouth? He had his soup before it was cool.
Don't let people push you around. Unless it's in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
"What are you doing, dad?" "Filing taxes... LOLJK... I'm googling "non-extraditable countries". Pack your bags, kid! We're going to Libya!"
What does a baby computer call its father? Data
What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and milk? Chocolate milk! What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and chocolate milk? Diabetes
What do you call a fat, Italian-American ghost? A gabaGHOUL!!
I'm far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
What do Catholic priests and the Zika Virus have in common? They both give kids a little head.
Me and my baby mama are gonna name the kid Pun It wasn't intended
I've always wanted to own a funeral home.... With the slogan, "We love it when business is dead."
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
What do you call a group of physicians with erectile dysfunction? Doctors Without Boners
What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at? "Donald! Duck!"
I used to be called the mushroom in high school Because I was a real fungi. (Don't hate me)
[First Date] Me: So, Construction? Him: Yeah M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer? H: M: Like to screw? H: M: Hey! Where are you going?
In case you think you have the laziest cat in the world, my cat has had a turd half-in/half-out her butt hole all afternoon.
I bet cats are sad that they don't have a middle finger.
Me: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." Friends: "No thanks." Enemies: "Also no thanks."
I like camping but... it's so in tents
I was peeing in the pool the other day... The lifeguard yelled at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Your wife is locked out at the front door yelling at you and your dog is barking at the back door to be let in. Which do you let in first? Your dog, because it'll stop barking once you let it in.
What was the Numerologist's favorite seaside discount brothel? The One-Toothed Reef Whore Hive
How Do Rednecks Celebrate Halloween? They Pump Kin.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the black guy cross the road? To kill the chicken and eat it!
The second worst thing to say on a date... ...is that you have to fart. The worst thing to say is, "That wasn't a fart."
Why did the Chicken Cross The Road?
"longest word" What is the longest word in the English language? . SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
Supposedly anagrams of people's names give you clues to how they're going to die... ... and [Hugh Dennis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Dennis) is an anagram of "hung in shed".
What did the customer ask the prostitute when they got to the hotel? Do you come here often?
What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.
Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake. Lady: then why dint you tell me when I was removing my clothes? Officer: well, that's not prohibited.
If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.
My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
Just cause something is your middle name doesn't mean you do it all the time. My middle name is sexhaver. Lol ok, bad example, but
A boy ate a Pb and jelly sandwich And then died
RIDDLER: how'd you find my hideout? BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks* SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
How can you avoid falling hair? Get out of the way.
I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke. So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.
One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My facial tattoo is going to look so cool when I'm working as a janitor for McDonalds.
A knock knock joke from Westeros Knock knock Who's there? Hodor. Hodor who? ...Hodor
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
Whats the difference between a prostitute and a dead baby? I only have one under my bed
What's the worst thing to come across while browsing the internet? Your keyboard.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Why do businesses move to India? Because they worship prophets!
I didn't ask for a sweet roll? Oh, sorry, I thought you had said, "synonym bun".
So I was fucking this guy in the ass..... ... and I reached around and he had a boner. Do you think he's gay?
I know a trick to make my dick 2 meters long... ... I fold it in half.
Girls are a lot like universities... I spend hours looking at them, only to realise I can't get into any of them.
The drone on Mars ran over a feline organism. That's right - Curiosity killed the cat
A crime boss works part time selling grass to people in his home city... I went over to his shop and asked if I could help him with his sales. He told me to stay off his turf.
Have you heard about the restaurant on Mars? The food is great, but the atmosphere is lacking.
Q: Do ghouls eat popcorn with their fingers? A: No, they eat their fingers separately.
Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.
I don't always tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.
I used to have a voice like Justin Bieber... then I turned four.
A magician was driving through a neighborhood... and then he turned into a driveway.
What do you call a Black Man flying a Plane? The Pilot you racist fuck.
What's DJ Khalid's favorite number? 11, because it has another one.
When I was in college, I had sex roughly 5 times a week... but I had sex gently a lot more.
What kind of pictures do hermit crabs take? Shellfies
What do baby showers and golden showers have in common? Nothing, you sick pervert!
I like my coffee how I like my women Forgotten about in the kitchen
OC from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses? Because they are pretty and hurt you.
Enjoying an adult beverage in moderation and not bothering any fine ladies from the internet.
Sometimes I really think about killing myself. I don't. But I *really* think about it.
What do an eagle and a broom have in common? They both fly but the broom doesn't.
What do mosquitoes think of people who wear bug spray? They are just OFF-full
All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed...I don't have ugly children.
Drake started from the bottom. Of Darwin's evolution chart.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist!
Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic philosopher with insomnia? He was up all night wondering if there really is a dog. I know it's a dad joke, because it was my dad's favorite joke.
I'm emotionally unavailable but I make up for it by being completely unattractive.
Q: How does an elephant climb a tree? A: He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.
Steps to being cool A) Use the sunglasses face B)
What do you call an oversize motorcycle for pigs?  A hog hog.
In other news.... We now have the most attractive First Lady since Marilyn Monroe.
How do you keep a blonde busy? Put "flip" on both sides of a piece of paper
how does a bakery know when to make more bread? on a knead the dough basis.
Why couldn't the life guard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.
Funny, this warrant doesn't feel so outstanding.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio OLD MAN: what ME: Can you rocket jump? OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Why do white girls help fight heartburn? Because they're so basic.
What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black
I wrote in my diary and went through it with a bright yellow marker. It was the hi lite of my day.
It's not about how she looks, it's all about how she looks at you.
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows on too high... She seemed surprised.
I consider myself a practical gentleman. That's why I masturbate in the shower. The cleanup is a breeze. The only trouble is keeping my laptop dry. That's why I bring the umbrella.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? her bellybutton.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
[2 T-Rex's getting drunk] "I'm wasted." "Me too. You know how bad?" "Don't say it again." "I can't feel my face." "Goddammit, Kevin."
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride
How does a rice burner start a street race? With a pilaf.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Why can't you see elephants hiding in trees? ...because they are hiding
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.
Have you heard of airplane skirts? They're so short, you can see the cockpit.
To those who hate birds. I think they're pretty fly myself.
SCIENTIST: The universe is a big mess of molecules bumping into each other. ME: I like when pizza molecules bump into my mouth molecules.
What do you call a nautical plunderer who assists with the flight of an aircraft? A co-pirate
When it comes time to claiming kids on your income tax. Hood rich
What's a Grecian Urn? About 2 bucks an hour depending on what the current minimum wage is.
Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it's safe to say we've all eaten entire horses by now.
"Blown out of all proportion" ... .. is a cliche you don't see every day of the week.
Do you know ... Do you know what girls say to guys with big dicks....... **I do...**
Why shouldn't you kiss someone on January 1st? because its the first date
Welcome to passive aggressive club. We're so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we'll wait.
What does a horse and kryptonite have in common? They both paralyze superman
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will "change contestants lives FOREVER"...and it's a brain swap with a cow.
This woman at Target does not seem at all appreciative that I just found a lump on her breast.
You Know You're Southern When... You know you're southern when your town has more syllables than letters.
Wondering what atrocity I committed in a former life to deserve this shitty parking space.
So i'm sitting down at a fight and chris brown is sitting next to me He points at Rihana and says " I'm hitting that"
got removed from r/showerthoughts but... Helen Keller really only knew a hand-full of words...
What's the difference between reddit and facebook? Reddit is better
Two blondes meet in college.. one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?" *Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.
"That sucked." -Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
What do you call it when you have enough money to but a truck from 4 different people who used to cross small bodies of water? You can afford four fjord forders' fords.
You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, "I'm fine" than when you are flying on an airplane.
When you wish upon a star, planets are being scorched and destroyed billions of miles away but that's okay because YOU'RE IMPORTANT.
What is the definition of confusion? Father's day in Harlem
Woman sends emotional text that's 5 paragraphs long. Man responds with "k." Woman spontaneously combusts.
I was once a man trapped in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth to me
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says "choose your destiny" so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said "thank god his name isn't John Barbecue Sauce!"
Someone asked me to stop singing wonderwall I said maybe
The Titanic was built to last, let that sink in.
[murder trial] LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife's life support for five minutes? COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Cyclops Barbie ...one eye right in the middle of her forehead; Cyclops Ken sold separately
Wife: Let's go outside. 3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me. Wife: Deer don't eat people 3: The zombie ones do Wife: Get your dad. Now.
The difference between a girlfriend and a girl friend... is a little chasm I call the friend zone.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring? Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone. Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
What do you get if you group 8 sodium atoms together? Batman.
The definition of an oxymoron /r/Productivity
If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, the internet would be a far more peaceful place.
How does a Jewish man know his wife died? Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
Small girl: I'd buy that dog but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short ? Why all four of them touch the floor.
Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it. The taste of her hairy lap stick.
A penny saved... ... is 350 Trillion Zimbabwe dollars earned!
Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.
A Scotsman walks into a bar.... There is usually an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman, but they're all still in France :(
I've got a friend who is a structural engineer. He's always complaining about stress at work. EDIT: damn I wish I got karma for this post.
It's raining, It's pouring... I really should be snoring. I cleared my head with sudafed I won't get to sleep until morning. (I know, I know, it's not really a joke because it's true)
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory... but you couldn't park anywhere near the place. [credit to Stephen Wright]
What does Tony Stark call his semen? Pepper spray
If a cat catches all the mice on your property... does that make it squeaky clean?
Have you heard about the guy who posted about a mod's cousin? Once removed.
Have you heard about the new up and coming racially biased dice game? They're calling it nazi
99% of my socks are single. You don't see them crying about it.
Everyone's unique! For instance, I like milk in my coffee, but other people are dying of malnutrition.
ME: *sees a puppy* BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands.
Don't know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
I hold the U.S. indoor record for waiting in the house until my neighbors go back inside.
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall all the time... I said maybe
Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn't count
How many electrons does a negatively charged oxygen atom have? Nion
Yay! The Democrats won the World Series!
Some folks just can't pull off a bow tie... ...and they choke to death.
Tell me what just happened in France! ...Oh, Nice!
Jewish mothers How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? *Exasperated sigh* No it's fine, I'll just sit here in the dark!
Why did the horny girl go to Subway? For a $5 footlong.
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo drizzle
President Trump received congratulations from the Pope himself... Because thanks to him half the world started praying.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Darth Vader Barbie ...with plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones
What is a Jawa's favorite drink? Martini
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I'd estimate about 28% of the drugs you've taken were smuggled here in someone's asshole.
Q. What did the cannibal's wife give her  husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds? My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It's on me.
The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
I had I dream I wrote The Hobbit, and Lord of the Rings trilogy. I was Tolkien in my sleep.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Did you hear about the Rabbi giving away hot drinks at the airport? It was Jew-tea-free
I'm not very religious but... I'm praying that next year there will be a Jew who can pardon me of all my crimes!
How do you like your eggs? Over here
If I was an author I would make my pen name... *Page Turner.*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named "Steven!"
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I will hold your boobs up all day for half that?!
Fishing... It's like sex. The less you get the more you lie.
A woman walks into a library and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Have you got any books on the female clitoris?" The bloke says, "Yes we have madame, but I don't know where they are."
Why did the Scarecrow lose the debate? "All he had was a straw-man argument."
I Wish I had Trump As A Teacher Citations would be super easy "You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"
Did you hear about the new transgender operation? It's called a strapadictomy
MOPEDS AND FAT LADIES What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Took my girlfriend to a baseball game this last season We made a deal in the beginning. I kiss her on every strike and she kisses me on the balls.
My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was.... Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.
What's Christopher Nolan's favorite song? BBBRRAAAAAAAHHHHHMMM...'s lullaby.
I thought my witty comeback was completely original.... Turns out it was a riposte.
Grizzlies are emerging from hibernation, so hiking in groups of 3 or more is recommended. Also not being the slowest one of the group.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice? polar-oids
Do you think that a funeral director signs his letters with ' yours eventually'?
I bet black people whoooa this tweet is not starting off well
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Your hips may not lie but your pushup bra is a sociopath.
Steve Irwin would have survived if he was wearing sun screen It protects against harmful rays
There are now two ways to pronounce "Reddit". Read-it and Re-edit. ^^^^^shit ^^^^^joke
How does a one liner hurt its readers? With its punchline
Last week I got a vibrator stuck inside of me so I went to the doctors... ...this morning when the batteries went flat
Here's my review of EA Sorry EA but if you want the review it'll be $5.99 for each letter and $7.99 for each punctuation and comma
I saw a woman with 12 breasts Sounds amazing, dozen tit?
I want to get a dog just so I can name it Stain That way when I take it to the park, and if it runs off, I can yell "come Stain!"
What's the difference between snowmen and snowomen? Snowballs
A book never written: "Secret Societies" by E. Lumin Audi
I Would Flex But I Like This T-Shirt.
Too soon for a knock knock joke? "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "The pilot, let me in!!!"
What do you call an escape artist dog? Basset Houndini
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading ?? Telling your parents you're gay.
What did one diabetic say to the other diabetic, on their blind date? I'm sorry, but you're just not my type.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
"Son: Dad, i had sex for the first time" 'Dad: That is great Son! Sit down and tell me all about it' 'son: Yeah about that...'
Why was the Butcher depressed? Because his life was in shambles.
*daughter reading *son playing ipod *dog sleeping *house quiet *I go take a dump FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG'S ON FIRE
Caeser ran into his friends Brutus Brutus said "hey Julius, I heard you raped a Senators wife. What happened?".  Caeser replied. " Vidi Vici Veni!"
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Japenese inmates on death row aren't given their date of death by the prison staff. I guess they just want to leave them hanging.
I'm the guy that starts walking away as you're giving me directions.
What do two rednecks say to each other after a break up? Let's go back to being cousins.
Don't ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone's funeral in a casket, then so be it.
an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.
What did the Roman premature ejaculater say? Veni, Vidi, Veni.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday  eight hours.
Kind of morbid (sorry) (From my uncles) Him: Have you ever fucked a dog as long as you wanted? Me: NO! Him: Why'd you stop?
El chiste! Did you hear about the Mexican serial killer? He had Loco motives.
This guy rapes people with a smile on his face Fuck this psycho up. 248 Oh 330 And 0815
So someone dropped a Chinese baby in a toilet? My advice is to pop it in a bag of rice overnight...
Guys, you CAN catch AIDS from a toilet seat! If you sit down before the other guy gets up.
What do you call playful insults between terrorists? Talibanter
What's a somali's favorite sport? Cross-country
do they have the fourth of July in the UK? Of course it comes after the third and before the fifth of July
I had a 12 inch Italian last night Then I went to Subway
my kid threw a tantrum at IKEA and broke over 50 wine glasses. Cost me damn near $4 to pay for them all
My penis and I have had the same secret handshake for 13 years. Friends forever.
Father: Well Son how are your exam results ? Son: They're under water Father: What do you mean ? Son: Below "C" level !
Who Let The Dogs Out? Ramsay Bolton.
Almond Butter: For people that like peanut butter but don't want to be happy.
Everyone has been in the Navy at least once. We all started out as a seaman
For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? The Holocaust
Mike Tyson's biggest problem was he never had a strong male role model growing up. Mike's dad walked out on the family very early on, after Mike raped him.
Which group of people are the best at jazz? The Saxons!
Q: What kind of television do horses like? A: Saddle-lite TV
You know what really grinds my gears? When I shift into third without using the clutch.
The question is not "Why is Instagram not working?", but "Why does the world need another picture of you?" #instagramnotworking
What is common between my ex-wife and my last job? They don't suck anymore.
The worst thing you could hear after orally pleasing Willie Nelson. I'm not Willie Nelson.
Is it okay to marry your second cousin? [xpost from /r/dadjokes] Sure, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one.
Why did the condom go flying through the air? He was pissed off. (It took me an embarrassing amount of time to get this one.)
What kind of milk do the wealthiest people in the world give to their children? 1%
Me: My stomach hurts. WebMD: You're a kid, trying to get out of something.
There's this great joke I read on 9gag...
When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
Why did Adele cross the road? So she could say hello from the other side (If this has already been posted I might cry I thought I made this all up on my own haha)
Wanna hear a pizza joke... never mind it's too cheesy
What did one snowman say to the other? I think I smell carrots!
Girlfriend My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'
I don't have shit to say and
American Beer is liking having sex in a canoe... It's fucking close to water. Heard this from a Dutch friend of mine and thought I would share.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? 7 did 9/11
Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom? Can I freeze my two year old until I'm ready?
OK, so they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country...why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
What group would an obese racist join? The cake-cake-cake.
Guy goes to his psychotherapist wearing nothing but some transparent underpants the doctor says, "I can clearly see your nuts"
(Warning, this is worse than those laffy-taffy jokes) Why don't engineers have sex with much frequency? Because it hertz!
"open up, this is the police!" "well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-" "no the door open up the door"
What do you call a fake Sony phone? Phony
What do skeletons like to put on their meat? Grave-y.
TIL there is a nerve that runs from the tear duct to the anus. If you don't believe me, let me pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."
Mom asked if I wanted to race toy cars with my neighbor Chucky. I responded, "Nah, that's child's play."
What should you say to a pig on roller skates?  Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.
Why are chemists such whores? They keep talking about their nitrates
The Parachuteless Dave Michael: Dave is so brave! He jumped out of a plane without a parachute! John: Ohh is it true? Where did you get the news? Michael: From his funeral.
The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT invest 10 million into it
Why the Xelerator is better than the Airblade... Dyson only makes products that suck.
So the doctor tells me I have Cancer.... I said, "That's nonsense, I'm a Gemini."
What did the one eyed thief, with a hook for a hand, call the elven princess? Arrrrrrr-wen
A man comes into the doctor's office the doctor says: "Clean that up yourself."
A girl at the restaurant was about to eat her food before I stood up & yelled "STOP. THIS IS NOT THE THIRD WORLD LADY. INSTAGRAM IT FIRST"
Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.
Are you a Popsicle stand? ...Because I kind of want to blow you
Did you hear about the policeman who arrested the two boys, one who had a battery in possession and the other a firework? He charged one and let the other off.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to lower your standards, I'm moonsout_goonsout
What do you call a bodybuilder that can't sing? Muscle tone deaf.
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.
Did you hear the one about Sandusky at the beach? A father walked up to him and said, "get out of my sun!"
So Aliens Arrive "Earth has a species with advanced warfare, they seem intelligent." "No, they have it aimed at themselves."
I pick up hitchhikers cause then when I'm pulled over the weed is his.
Black Friday sales keep getting earlier and earlier Ferguson got a huge jump on things this year.
Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president? Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind.
Woman: "Can you please call me a taxi?" Man: "You're a taxi"
I'd rather see someone on the street coming towards me with a knife than a clipboard.
Saw a new machine at the gym, but could only use it for 20mins before it made me sick It was great... it had M&amp;M's, Skittles, you name it!
What do vacuums and woman have in common? The more you pay, the better they suck.
A Mexican magician says he's going to make himself disappear on the count of three.. He says, uno.. Dos.. And then he vanished without a tres!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brook ! Brook who ? Brook-lyn bridge !
I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.
How many Trump supporters does t take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just make the Mexicans do it.
Why is [friend's name] always on the bottom? Because they won't stop fucking up
What is your favorite one or two line joke? (X-Post from AskReddit) http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/32df3n/what_is_your_favorite_one_to_two_line_joke/ There were some funny jokes in there
DEAD BABY JOKES! I will get it started! Why is a pile of dead babies easier to move than a pile of bowling balls. - You cant use a pitchfork to move a pile of bowling balls.
How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with? Me: *names two of them*
"I find it hard, it's hard to find" - Kurt Cobain looking for the TV remote
"Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?" Is this ask stupid questions club? "You're now the leader of this club" What club?
What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals ? A guard dog !
While everyone is pre-occupied with the reddit CEO/admins/FPH ban, don't forget what's really important The New England Patriots deflated their footballs.
People who pariticpate in karaoke and are actually good singers are just fucking obnoxious.
The more Twitter tells me it's over Capacity, the more I think Twitter still loves Capacity and regularly sits outside her house, weeping.
I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits.
Who was the least guilty President of the them all? Lincoln. He was in-a-cent.
Yo mama's so mean... She has no standard deviation.
What did the potato name his son? Chip. Sorry.
What's dumber than a box of rocks The hippie that carries them around the country.
Two forks... Two forks were flying and one of them crashed. You know why? Because forks can't fly. Two cows were flying and one of them crashed. You know why? He got a fork in his eye.
When ppl I know try to explain a problem they're having w/ someone I don't know, I think, "when I get home I'm going to eat food & watch TV"
Why will no one watch the Olympic games this year only old men will be competing
What do you call it when a banana eats another banana? Canabananalism EDIT: Thanks for all the support, only my second reddit post and I'm surprised this got as many upvote a as it did!
Me: I can't get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it. Whiskey: Yes you can.
What's the difference between an alpaca and your Mom? One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America.
How many dead-heads does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just let it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
Of course my days are numbered.. That's how calendars work.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put him in the microwave 'till his Bill Withers.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."
Pronounce it "Valentimes Day" so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
What do you call a fart in a gay bar? A mating call LoL
Watched a documentary about retina surgery the other day.. It was eye-opening.
This might be a bit rascist: What do you call an African American Houdini? Black Magic
Why was Plutarch considered a great comedian? He was the first to practice dead-pan-delivery.
What's the square root of 69? Eight something.
If I ever see a shark I won't be attacked. Because although sharks are attracted to blood in the water, they are repelled by feces.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."
How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes? (xpost r/imgoingtohellforthis)
I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?" I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.
Two cows walk in to a bar... Then one of the cows says: "*Mooooo*", then the other replies, "*Fuck, I was supposed to say that*"
[at the gym] ME: Hey, can you spot me? GUY: Sure, which machine? ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[very obviously being hit on] hahaha ok well, see you around [4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe] wait a second
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
What snakes are good at sums ? Adders !
What do you call it when a pickle makes a mistake? A dill d'oh
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? because the 'p' is silent.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he never never lands!
Not to get technical But according to chemistry alcohol is technically a solution
Siri, fight Alexa.
Wanna hear a funny joke? Woman's rights. Sorry for the sexism here, but i saw this and laughed my head clean off
What do you call it when Einstein faps? A stroke of genius.
Did you hear about the kid who slept through every class in school? He got all z's.
Leia: You owe child support. Han: What? I'm in hyperspace. Leia: You're standing right here Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Black Friday through the years: 2005: 5am 2010: 3am 2012: 12am 2013: Thursday 8pm 2014: Thursday 2020: 4th of July
A blind judge conducted a trial.. And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant. he couldn't see the truth.
Engineering joke At work today I told an engineer I liked the cool shapes in his design. "Oh, it's not intentional," he responded. "It's mostly in compression."
Heard a Beethoven piece & a Ke$ha song yesterday. Which one is deaf again?
Dead memes are like dead babies They never get old.
Why did Mary fell from the swing ? Because she hasn't got arms !
How do weathermen get up a mountain? They climate
"Keep that upside-down frown right where it is!" - Botox Patient Saying
Why didn't the hipster have HIV? He fucked Charlie Sheen before he was cool.
What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone? a Snapping Turtle
Literal People Anonymous Welcome to Literal People Anonymous, would everyone please take a seat. NO, WAIT! BRING THOSE CHAIRS BACK!
Mcdonalds will be serving a new burger which you cant touch. Its called the Mchammer.
How are people from Kentucky like flour? They're inbred.
Mom: Time to wake updog. Son: *groggily* What's updog? Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u? Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Why do trash pandas always get into a fight? They trash talk.
Trump is too politically incorrect, Hillary is too politically correct Yet they're both incorrect for politics
What do you call a bitchy midget who can get to places quickly? A shortcunt.
What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter? One of them left the chamber alive.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
What do you a pterodactyl that can't fly? Inosaur.
Confucius say... Man who walks everyday barefoot will have a tough sole
What did one train track say to the opposite track? Wanna race?
Give me one reason why I shouldn't pass this math class "You held up 2 fingers just now" Ok then give me that many reasons
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I'm Homy... I bet 99% of you pervs misread that.
Q: Why did the fly fly? A: Because the spider spied her.
What do a flat-earther, a Nazi, and YOU have in common? They all get one vote.
What's Mr T's favourite dessert? Petit Filous (Credit goes to my ex wife for this one).
i have 1 queston for u what are thoooose
A girl just broke up with her friend The guy deserved it. He loved her more than anything, but still he treated her really badly. He really was a dick' to her. (addicted to her)
A person who knows two languages is called bilingual. Three or more languages; multilingual. What do you call someone who knows one? American.
*at a restaurant* Don't be awkward, don't be awkward Waitress: how's the food? Me: yes
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
What do you do when you see an epileptic throwing a fit in a bath tub? You throw in some laundry and detergent.
Roman mythology in 3 words The fuck's plagiarism?
What do you call someone with no arms? Disarmed.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I like my coffee like I like my women. Without a penis.
Did you hear about the Chinese military general who deserted his position during a time of war? It was General Tso, and he will always be known as a chicken
What's black and sits at the top of stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
I've haven't made up my mind on masturbation... ...on one hand it feels good.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
Idiots beating you down Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Two more nuns Two nuns in a bath. First one says "where's the soap?" Second nun says "yeah, it does doesn't it."
I can totally relate to the plight of the homeless. I once gave up Twitter for five whole days.
Why people use Twitter: because updating 100 times a day on Facebook is not socially acceptable.
Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
No matter how kind you are, German children will always be kinder.
/!\ AP Breaking News /!\ Sheltered Rich White Southerner Uses Racial Slurs But Says It's Not Hateful
You - The food smells wonderful Me - That's me I burped
How does a mathematician solve constipation? Pro biotics and a healthy amount of fiber.
Fun trick: Handcuff her and tell her you're taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can't escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.
What would be a good dating site for rednecks ? MyHeritage.com
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad. He will be missed.
What would a world without women feel like? A pain in the arse.
Okay, guys, yes, we know Bostonians have been calling iPods "IPads" for years. STOP MAKING FUN.
(slightly dirty) What's the difference between a striptease artist and a trapeze artist A trapeze artist has a cunning stunt....
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine me: *laughing nervously* that's awful
Guy in orchestra was charged with manslaughter Police state that he had a history of reckless violins.
The only drinking problem I have is not having enough money to keep buying it.
You Gotta Hand It To Leave Brits They were so concerned about immigrants ruining their economy that they preempted it and ruined their economy themselves.
[BDSM] I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client Oops, wrong sub
Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.
Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue? Anyone can tuna piano, but nobody can piano a tuna!
[Brings date home] O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we'll just have to lay here & battle
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I like my women like I like my coffee.... ...without a penis
A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel. He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."
My roommate dressed as a syringe for our Halloween house party. He's upstairs with the sexy girl wearing the Courtney Love costume. In the addict.
Why can you never get caught with a 0 in math? because cot(0) doesn't exist ... This joke... it burns my eyes...
Want to make a nerd's head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write "Where's Captain Kirk?" in the comments.
When they were saying "we will find a good home for him" I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn't know they were talking about me!
Do you love me? Of course Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear Lemon meringue pie !
There's 2 statues in a dark room, what did one statue say to the other statue? Is statue?
My gilfriend Is like Pokemon go servers. Unreliable Edit: bad spelling in title
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
Tax time is when I'm grateful that I'm detal oriented.
What does a geography graduate do with a lightbulb? Not get a job.
I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.
What did Paul Revere say when he got on his horse? Giddy up horsey !
How do you raise a baby elephant ? With a fork lift truck !
Why did the pirate become a tenor? Because he has a lot of experience on the high C.
"I'm cold" - a talking ice cube or a woman
"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die." Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...
What Metallica song does Captain America hate? Trapped Under Ice.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
She told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Why is it easy to break in to an old man's  house? Because his gait is broken and his locks are few.
Just got back from my secret society meeting. I'm really pleased with next year's Golden Globe winners.
Since married famous people often mix names, shouldn't Hillary and Bill's be... Hillbilly?
I hate tacos. -Said no Juan ever
There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.
What does Batman put in his drinks? Just ice.
I was wondering how the truck was getting so big... Then it hit me.
What do you call a weirdo slowly driving a jeep past an elementary school? Jeeper creeper!
Maybe we gave Chris Brown too tough a time over Rihanna In his eyes, he may have just beat her white and gold.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.
Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds... it's yours to keep.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven't experienced any yet, but statistically they're bound to happen at some point.
How do you make a hormone? Pay well, and give her the best time you can.
[at SunMaid farms with a guy] Guy: so is this a date? Girl:... No? These are raisins
I once knew a guy named Rob. I once new a guy named Rob, for a dollar he would suck on your knob. For a half dollar more, you could get the whole score And he would eat it like it was his job
she had the body of Serena Williams and the penis of Serena Williams
What do you call a person who looks at a glass half-empty? An Alcoholic.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Anti-humor Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Someone keeps downvoting my racist jokes. It's like a ton of black people suddenly got laptops or something.
I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.
Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
Well. Now I'm beginning to think Toyota is doing this on purpose. Like they're getting back at people for making jokes about Asian drivers.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Staple a piece of bread to the ceiling.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a  jelly ? The collie wobbles !
President of Columbia has announced that the country is going into severe economic depression... ...since the deaths of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.
I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.
Jerry Seinfeld is at Best Buy. "We've got a great deal on TVs today" the salesman says. "What's the deal?" Jerry says. The Best Buy explodes
What did Anakin say when the princess asked for his credit card? Naboo
If Trump wins, why should you move to Mexico instead of Canada? Because there'll be an actual wall keeping you from Trump
A wizard walks into a gay bar.... ...and disappeared with a poof
I started working on my 2nd million this year... Gave up on the first...
What is the difference between complete and finished? If you find the right woman, you're complete.
Me: I bet you die before you figure out how to text me back. *3 years later* Grandma: Fuck you bitch. Say bye to your inheritance
How to get fucked up in bakery? Get creampied.
Why are Werewolves such pessimists? They refuse to look at the silver lining.
What's the difference between some tuna , a piano and some glue ? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna
What's the biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats? Republicans sign their checks on the front, and democrats sign on the back.
A man walks into a bar... ...ouch
I'm so bored with life, I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish. I'm past caring.
Johnny: Will you marry me? Jenny: You have to ask my father first. Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him. Jenny: And what did he say? Johnny: He said he's already married.
Did you hear about the adult entertainment business for religious visionaries? It was really successful - the prophets just kept on coming
Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.
I once heard a story of a man who played Destiny, trying to get the greatest boots of all time, named The Dubstep Grieves. He died waiting for the drop.
I would show you a Liszt of all the music jokes I know... But to be Franck, I don't think you could Handel them!
[priest bends over my coffin seductively revealing a thong to the entire funeral]
I guess it's time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out...
If Yao Ming decides to a get cat, he should name it Meow Ming.
Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
What did the blonde do after she combed her hair? .. She pulled her pants up.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.
What's the difference between a tuna and a piano? You can tuna piano but you cannot piano a tuna.
Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship? They need space.
How do people approach their crush I don't even have the guts to ask for an extra ketchup in McDonald's?
How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You're Not Getting Laid
If you're going to insist I get you a wedding gift, then I'm going to insist you bail me out when I get caught shoplifting it.
Get off my lawn. Oh, it's you. Mow the lawn. -My dad
A very British joke: I went to a class to learn how to make the perfect cup of tea It was a steep learning curve
I could argue that someone passing out in the punchline enhances the joke, but that would be faint praise indeed.
Irishman applies for a job at a Blacksmiths. The Blacksmith asks "Have you ever shoed a horse?" The Irish man replies, "No, but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."
Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song "We Are the World" is to hating starving children.
I tried to catch fog yesterday Mist
What did the timid porn star say to the talking cat? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOONG JOHNSON!!!!
my last words when I die will be See you later.....maan.
"Because Im a goddamned rock star!" wasn't the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don't be one.
This year's Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? To Make America Great Again
Reddit is like Playboy Nobody reads the articles...
How do you shut Donald Trump up? Muzzle-im
*whispers in bed* I want to try something with you I've never done before *engages in a loving and mutually beneficial adult relationship*
What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? 11, because it is another 1.
I really want to take my girlfriend out to dinner... ...But she asks way too much per hour.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Did you hear about Trump's tax plan? Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!
Nurse: Where does it hurt? Me: *Points to heart* Nurse: Awwww that is so cute! Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it ;)
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Cross-Eyed Monster: When I grow up I want to be a  bus driver. Witch: Well I won't stand in your way.
Doctor: "You have a blockage in your small & large intestine" Barista: ... Barista: ... Doctor: *Sigh* "Ok, Tall & Venti intestine."
same sex I have the same sex with my wife every month..
what's the peak of bad luck to fall off a crashing plane on a sinking ship
Where can I donate to the American Red Cross? I would like to help with house #7.
What do you call a boxer who comes home after a fight, to beat up his wife? Overtime.
Oedipus teasing... Oedipus passes near the hill and sees Sisyphus rolling the boulder up that hill. Oedipus (to Sisyphus): How's it goin'? Sisyphus: Shut up, motherfucker.
Stop it with the Apple Hate Jokes. You're making the doctors come back again.
Officer, if I can't stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn't call it the breakdown lane.
There aren't enough hours in the day to put off the things I don't want to do
I wish prostitutes would learn a lesson from eBay ...and do away with insertion fees.
Trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous, so I'm slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It's working, she's been staring at me
How come ants don't go to the church? They are in sects.
I bought some blonde paint. It isn't very bright but it spreads easily.
[at ER] ME: my stomach hurts. DOC: have you been able to eat anything today? ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal
What is Donald Trump's rap name? Toupee Fiasco
We called her herpes helen We called her herpes Helen because her name was Helen.
I heard 80% of all accident happen within 10 miles of home. So I moved.
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
All I want in this world is some one I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes
Me: I'm going shopping. Him: If you buy more than one pair of shoes I'm divorcing you. Me: Deal!
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject... Someone called out "The Queen!" "Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."
Q1: What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A: A Dinosaucer
[in bed] Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene Him: omg yes Me: *disappears to change* *comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I like my women like quality agronomy soil... ..good penetration to 8", bare surface, and minimal crust.
How do zombies communicate in times of war? Cryptic code.
Like a good neighbor, StateFarm is...
A general calls a colonel: - Do you have a couple of smart majors? - Yes I do. - Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.
Zoos shouldn't have realistic sculptures of animals. I'm not that smart, people.
How can environmental scientists stay on top of the global warming issue? They climate.
My mind says "no" but my heart says "yes", all my vital organs speak English, it's very confusing and loud
I went to band camp and all I got was... This shirt that said: I'll Allegro your vibrato!
What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed? Thanks for the handy cap.
There are two types of people in the world. 1. Those that can finish lists.
No Wonder black people are so fast! Having a 3rd leg really helps.
Thanks to Target's full length 3 way mirrors, I'm now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I like my wine like my women 11 years old and locked up in my cellar
I made up a color in my head today. It was a pigment of my imagination.
I got mugged last night! My assailants made off with everything from my shoes to my mood ring... I still don't know how I feel about that.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I'd go on a road trip with my mom.
Hey! It's Cyber Monday... a/s/l?
What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce
First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch  and didn't turn a hair! Second boy: I'm not surprised - your dad's bald!
How do you get a fat person into bed? Piece of cake.
What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall? A year in prison if there's any justice.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
why does a fly hang upside down ? to take the weight of its feet.
I say 'tomato', you say 'put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly' .
What do you call 'a woman's understanding'? Misunderstanding
Two parrots are sitting on a Perch One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
Reason for ER visit: Injured in a masturbatory frenzy Again.
When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
I'm at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.
I'm so lazy, if I got kidnapped I'd just think, "Well, this is where I live now."
I hate seeing people I know on Tinder My girlfriend has some explaining to do...
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z!
A seal walks into a club.... That's the story and we're sticking to it.
I just Tokyo drifted my shopping cart into the checkout line and now all the moms in this grocery store want to have an affair with me.
What did the police officer say to the white man running away with a TV? "Sir, you dropped your receipt!"
Women are generally speaking
When I see a couple sharing the same facebook account I always want to ask them which one of you got caught having an affair
Have you heard what I think of windmills? Big Fan.
What do you get if an elephant has sex with a rabbit? A dead rabbit with a gaping asshole.
My landlord just called and said my neighbors just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my house... So now I'm on my way to buy some headphones for my laptop...
Don't spell part backwards It's a trap
What do lesbian vegetarians eat? Vaggie burgers
How do you turn a cobra into a rattlesnake? Give it to Michael J Fox
If I was married to you, I would put poison in your tea If I was married to you, madame, I would drink it
What separates the men from the apes? The Mediterranean Sea.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy's apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Why don't violists get stressed? Because they have nothing to fret about!
Why does everyone keep saying the Boston Marathon was a tragedy? I heard everybody had a blast.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night A widow
Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women. If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.
This fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined
What's the difference between a cockroach and the Japanese? A nuke won't kill a cockroach
What is Kim Kardashian's favorite hockey team? The Chicago Blackhawks
Do you like Asian Diplomacy jokes? I've been feeding the kids in my political science class a steady diet of Japanese Government jokes.
What do you call two Canadians buy coffee? Double double doubles
I hit 2k followers. Now that I've gathered you all here, I'd like to discuss the benefits of Amway
What do you call love between a Dick and an Asshole? Tainted Love
I learned mathematical fractions from a drug dealer. He said if I don't pay $4,000 in 7 days, I'll lose 3 fingers.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler... I woke up this morning exhausted.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked? A Seatbelt!
Every time "Cops" comes on I'm like "PLEASE don't show my episode."
It's become so annoying at weddings, when elderly relatives start playing the game of "I wonder who'll be next"... ...so I've started doing the same to them at funerals.
Why are women dressed white on their wedding day? because all good kitchen appliances come in white.
Do you know what's fucking intense? Camping with your girlfriend.
What is Hitler's favorite type of car? A fuhrari
My son: Mommy I can't wait to grow up and be a man. Me: Don't be silly son, you can't do both
"Lights on, or lights off?" he asked me. I said, "Just give me the prostate exam, please."
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Burn victims never travel alone They always stick together
It doesn't matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
"I thought I'd thaw a pussy cat." -- dogs deciding what to take out of the freezer for dinner
What sound does a Turkey make? "coup coup"
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus' grandma and not Nana Montana.
I like my women as I like my classical regression model estimators: consistent, efficient, and fucking unbiased.
What does a zen ghost say? Boo, duh...
RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom
I don't think this girl on Facebook will "survive" the 2nd day of her diet.. I'll keep you posted.
[on Mars] ASTRONAUT: An alien! MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so A: I choke slammed it MC: What? A: Another one! MC: DO NOT CH A: [choke slam noises]
Have you heard about the new drink, the hurricane Sandy? It's a watered down Manhattan.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you. Me: Really? Just me? Him: Well, no. He loves everyone. Me: I don't have time for players.
Why cant Ray Charles see his friends? Because he's ~~Blind~~ Married
Teacher: Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive? Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See? It works doesn't it?
Young man cashier: Ma'am, if you don't mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes. What I heard: Ma'am
What is the hardest part in coming out of the closet? Telling your parents you are gay.
Do you know how to avoid click bait? Obviously not...
Hey, do you like analogies? I got plenty! I got analogy to rabbits, analogy to grass, analogy to mold...
Huh? Guess I must've got drunk and married Google at some point. I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence.
A man was milking a cow... and suddenly a bull walks into the barn. The cow gets panic and says,"Oh shit! My husband!"
Why is NASA having a lawsuit filed against them from animal protection? ...because curiosty killed the cat
why did both ass-cheeks get fired from work? One was always left behind causing the other to half-ass everything
What's Jared's favorite Subway bread? Italian Herbs and Child Pornography.
According to really smart people I should have started saving 20 years ago.
The Greek dilemma: If you are swimming in a sea of shit and someone throws a turd at you, do you duck?
60% of all secretaries can type... The other 40% are huntn' peckers.
How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
Why don't women have men's brains?Because they don't have penises to put them in.
She said yes! Unfortunately, the question was "Are you sure you want to break up?"
Did you hear about the Piano Teacher that slept with his student? She was A Minor.
Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Have you tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
The man who invented the jigsaw has died. May he rest in pieces.
I could lose weight simply by not eating the food I drop onto my shirt.
There aren't that many casinos in Africa. Cause there are too many cheetahs. And if you meet one who claims he isn't a cheetah, he's probably lion to you.
"Man cave" - Russian who has yet to get a full grip on our language, except mostly slang terms, describing the end of a couple's argument
I like people getting mad at airlines for snow-relayed delays/cancellations. You think companies that incompetent can control the weather?
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I like my women like I like my tea. In a bag, underwater.
If video games were really bad for you, then the entire Pac-man generation would be eating pills and running away from their problems Oh wait.
One day a man met three beggars. To the first he  gave a dime to the second a dime and to the third a nickel. What time was it? A quarter to three.
Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough
KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.
Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
What does an omnipotent God do with his penis? Fuck all.
Dear Kids, "16 & Pregnant" is a TV show, not a Challenge...
I was fired from my job for placing the vegetables in sexually suggestive ways Apparently you can't do that if you're a specials-eds teacher
What do you get when you throw a Pokeball at a Pakistani? A Pakimon.
"I feel like 790,000 bucks!!" Said a woman feeling like a million bucks.
What is life like for a wood worm ? Boring !
They say that 15% of males don't get enough fibre in their diet... ...I guess it's tough shit for them!
How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits.
What would you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car crash? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
What is the difference between a chihuahua humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg? The pit bull gets to finish.
I always love the reaction I get after I cannonball into a public pool. "OMG, Where's my baby!?"
What's the difference between a Maine girl and a moose? 15 lbs and a flannel shirt.
Turkey Is going to get served very soon
I've always been the kind of person who likes to think outside of the box. Although it has harmed my career as a goalkeeper.
Why don't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it's *P* is silent....
An atheist, a vegan and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
I wrote a poem today! Half of it is true. The other half is just a bunch of lies to make it rhyme.
911: I'd like to report a Twief! 911: What? A Twurglar! 911: I don't follow You can't catch em like that. Hurry they're getting stars!
Where does beef come from? Cowschwitz.
Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. YES MY CHILD Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I would never let MY child act like that. -things my friends without kids say.
I went to a library... and asked the librarian if they had a book on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. She said, "Well it rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's there or not."
Did you hear about the girl who was found masturbating while on her period? She was caught red handed
What's worse than a talking parrot joke? The Holocaust.
What does a dog get at the vet? [FIXED]
Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida. I call it "No air conditioning".
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious." I wish I'd thought of that quote.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cork ! Cork who ? Cork and beans !
How do you make a Hindu self destruct? Press the red button
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it's my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it's in the Bible.
*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work* I love you too, babe! [later] Where's my credit card? Son of a..
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
What do vegetarian worms eat?? Linda Mcartney
[deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I'll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Arnold's new tell all book. Arnold Schwarzenegger just wrote a new tell all book because no one could understand his audio book.
A man walks into a bar and see three bitches. Because he's a misogynist.
Eli5: how preventing users from submitting anything to subs helps anything.
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?? There was nothing left but de Brie.
How do you guys feel about that new drug-resistant superbug? It makes me sick.
My truck is a lot like Tony Romo. It will turn over, but the clutch doesn't work.
why cant Paul Walker use tumblr? He only sticks to the dashboard
ME: I cant make it in today BOSS: again? why M: my car died B: that's the same excuse you used yesterday M: yeah but today's the funeral
A woman gets a C section What does the doctor say to the woman who has to get a c section? There's not enough womb!
Hey, Edgar Allen, go ahead and Poe me up another drink! Don't tell me to be quiet, lady! Why are there so many books in this bar?
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light-bulb? (It's not &gt;9000) FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGGGGON BAAAAL ZEEEEEEEEE
Why doesn't a rooster wear underwear? becuase his peckers on his head
Saw a bumper sticker with a gun and "I don't call 911!" Jesus. I hope his wife doesn't fall down the stairs. "Sorry darlin'." -*BLAM BLAM*
2 potatoes standing on the street corner how do you tell which one is the slut? The 1 that says I da ho
An irishman walks out of a bar .
On an analog clock, 6:30 is the best time of day... Hands down
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas and you will still die.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start? *raises hand* Me: Is "harass" one word or two? F: Me: Thx
A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing flaming feces at zoo employees. Three of the zoo employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns.
Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships? So they can see the old French navy.
*Does something bad* Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
"I'm gonna get a tattoo that says 'Helvetica', written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her."
What's the difference between an oral and anal thermometer? The taste
I married a French girl and had three sons We named our first son Antoine. We named our second son Anteux. We named our third son Antthree.
You've said it before and I'll say it again -Plagiarists
Why did Helen Keller try lsd? Because she was told it makes you see things!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs. Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being *special*
Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine.
What do you call 5 lesbians and 5 state workers? 10 people that don't do dick.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? kluhhh kolchhhh
So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache. No idea why she had to slap me though.
Did you hear about the recently unemployed electrician? Apparently he's now ohm-less.
All my jokes are lost baggage... You'll get them in a couple days
Oh you like Oreos? Name five of their albums. And I'm talking their obscure shit like watermelon, none of this main stream birthday cake shi
A Little Jewish Humor Q: How much does a moil get paid? A: Fifty dollars and a tip.
People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it's probably all infested now with girls
I tried making a belt that had a watch for a buckle ... it was a waist of time.
Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays. Then again, very few people cut their own hair.
A Ukrainian playwright has written two comedic satires of the current war. 1. Crimea River and 2. Donetsk, Don't Tell
Daaaaamn girl! You're like a fire alarm! Really loud and annoying!
[furious with son] wife: what happened? me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish [son from room] yolo isn't spanish me: ya see
I've decided to sell my Hoover ..... it was just collecting dust
A new definition of the word "shrimp" A girl whose body is so good but you want to cut her head off.
WIFE:Someone's broken in ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here [downstairs] PAL:Can't u just tell her u wanna play baseball M: Keep ur voice down
There once was a girl from Leith... who circumcized guys with her teeth. It wasnt for fame, or the love of the game, it was for the cheese underneath.
My mate's gambling is getting out of hand. He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker. I thought, "I might have to raise him."
My dad wanted to name me, "Rusty," if I was a boy. Thank you, X chromosomes.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don't actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Whats the difference between a black guy and a bench? A bench can support a family
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Buckwheat has converted to Islam He is now known as Kareem of wheat.
Did I tell you my aunt died in this bed? #whatnottosayduringsex
Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.
Where do dinosaurs get their pickles from? Vlasic Park
What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia? You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)
How did the math teacher solve her constipation problem? She worked it out with a pencil.
Writing my first book, I got stuck on the details... ...ended up haiku.
Why do people leave letters at the football ground ? They want to catch the last goal-post !
Most Republicans are still voting for Trump. Can I be banned for this, since it's actually not a joke?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I've decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand She'll love it
what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "see you next month!"
what's the best part of living in Sweden? Well, the flags a big plus. edit: FUCK meant Switzerland
My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas. So far, she's only getting a McChicken.
Let's Play Horse I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
What do you get when you cross a lake with a deflating raft? Halfway.
[3 days into dieting] *sees ad for burger & fries* *drowns in his own saliva*
My beard has grown so much. It's time to ... shampoo.
I hate Mexican jokes... They always cross the line.
What do you get when you eat all the potatoes? [They're all gone.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzwDgz053PI)
Sex. Yes, it's a short joke.
My friends and I are having a body-part pun contest. The game is afoot!
While they're a lot of fun on Halloween, did you know most jack-o'-lanterns end up at the pound? Please. Next year, carve a puppy.
911: What is your emergency. M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she's smiling. Please hurry.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
What do you call a muscular Arab? Protein sheikh
Last Night my Fiance asked me to tell her something sweet Me " Hey I'm never gonna give you up... never gonna let you down..." Her "That's it the engagement is off. Goodnight."
What's the best time to go to a dentist? Two thirty
[commercial for soup] NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
How many feet are in a yard? 4 if you have a dog.
How do you poison a hipster? Gluten
After being an atheist for so long, I am now a catholic. Idk. I just really like cats
A rude answer to when someone tells you they want something that isnt going to happen. Want in one hand and shit in the other one, then tell me which one fills up first.
Three musical notes, A, C and E walk into a bar. .. The bartender says, "I'm sorry but I'm not allowed to serve a minor. "
A man was arrested for having sex with a virgin He was charged with breaking and entering.
How does Porkins get into his star fighter? He has to wedge himself in.
The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, "What's water?" so she wouldn't feel stupid.
What did one John say to the other John? "What's the matter? You look flushed!"
How are sex and pizza similar? If you get it from someone in a Chuck E. Cheese's it's never very good.
I love getting Halloween candy... It makes me Snicker(s).
Somebody just told me they were bad but they didn't say "cha'mone" afterward so haha cmon guy how bad can you be
What fish is best to have in a boat? A Sailfish.
God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
I asked the Riddler if I could be the host of his next party. He said, "Be my guest."
So I found a Chinese pet carer... He said he would wok my dog for me
My new fragrance is called Failure and smells roughly like a bowling alley.
If you're attacked by a mob of clowns, what should you go for? The juggler
Two guys walking down the street... ...notice a dog licking his balls. The first guy say "Man, I wish I could do that." Second guy says "You should probably just pet him first."
I know it's just bad luck that what I post never reaches the front page. After all, I've definitely seen it there before.
It's very easy to clean yourself to the tune of "Uptown Funk". Don't believe me? Just wash.
"You can't have your cake and eat it too" People that don't know how cake works.
Warning: This movie may contain nudity. Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.
A man walks into a zoo The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzhu.
Do you want to know what Jon Snow and yo momma have in common? They both can be stabbed multiple times and not die...
'You look fat' is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
What do you get when you enter a cow into the Kentucky Derby? Milk and Bookies.
Hillary Clinton is sick according to doctors... I pneu it all along.
Net flips and krill? - killer whale text
"I need a timing belt & power steering for my life" I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
If this tweet gets 5 retweets, I will threaten a public official on Facebook.
My life would be so much easier if i wasn't intelligent enough to realize how fucking stupid some people are.
What's up with these strippers not taking my singles??? They must not like Kraft
On the tombstones of Buddhists, it's always 'RIP'. I always thought it was 'BRB'
I just watched Harry Potter for the first time and it was a little unrealistic I mean, a ginger with two friends?
Price of 2x4's : 9$. Price of some nails: 3.50$. Price of a hammer:15$ The world after a Crucifixion: Christless.
I like musical dramas. They really strike a chord with me.
"I caught a twenty pound salmon last week."  "Were there any witnesses?" "There sure were. If there hadn't been it would have been forty pounds."
"honey don't you think you're treating one of our kids unfairly?" "who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?"
What do you call a good looking girl in Wisconsin? A Tourist!
[tv interview] did you get upset? "that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself" don't do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this 'burn your house down' spell works every time
You had me at 'I've had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend'
Maybe I misheard him... But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
What do you call a giant squid who runs a tow service in Indonesia? A Kraken-towa!
What's the difference between tired and exhausted? When you run in front of a car you get tired. When you run behind a car you get exhausted.
What did pirate say when he turned 80? AYE MATEY
Why do trees shed their leaves in fall? Because they've had their chloro-fill.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Yesterday Bill Clinton called Hillary, "the ablest person I've ever worked with." Well, I can see why he's a hit with the ladies.
Harambe walks into a bar. Bartender: What will you be having to drink? Harambe: I'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice? Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai doesn't like the Flinstones but Abu Dhabi do
"Going to a job interview? Wear a beret..." "A beret?" "Yeah. They've been statistically proven to help you get a job by a million percent." "Right...and who did this study?" "....France."
I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."
Some people doubt my memory But I can remember last year as if it were yesterday.
"Black Lives Don't Matter," Said the nihilist.
Why is my girlfriend like a deep fat fryer? They're both dangerously hot and belong in the kitchen.
Q: What kind of snake is good at math? A: An adder.
What do they call soda in Rome? Pope.
My favorite oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp. 2. Act natural. 3. Boneless ribs. 4. Civil war. 5. Freezer burn. 6. Adult male. 7. Happy marriage.
Why does the dog go to the gym? He wants to get ruff
Saying "unwanted houseguests" is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Judge: "Micky, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse, because she is not crazy" "I didn't say she was crazy Judge, I said she was fucking Goofy"
*batman voice* Alfred, my bat-wang is stuck in my bat-zipper. Bat-help.
Nicholson: You want answers?! Cruise: I want the truth!! Nicholson: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Cruise: mmk... how bout a little hint?
Did you hear about the gay midget? he just came out of the cabinet.
Why did the contraceptive fly across the room? It got pissed off. . (I'll get my coat...)
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is on fire? Bernie.
What do you call a girl who's sitting in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
wh is bhdiffrnece bet?wen corn it's the method
The first rule of tautology club... Is the first rule of tautology club.
What do a racist and an apple have in common? They both look good hanging from a tree
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.
Why did Bowie die? I guess he was shot through the heart
Army Jokes by Major Laugh
If Jesus could walk on water and cucumbers are 96% water and I can walk on cucumbers does that mean the other 4% accounts for Jesus's dick?
I'm the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.
I was going to tell an addition joke... ...but I forgot sum of it
If Billy Mays were a farmer... And he ran a really good corn maze during the spring, it would be called the "Amazing May Mays Maize Maze."
Told by the driver of the bus we were on Driver: so you hear president obama is in the hospital right? Us: no we didnt Driver: he cant stop putin
"Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!" - Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[typing] Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE? Wife: 2nd. Me: Is "polyamorous" hyphenated? Wife: No. Why? Me: It's for work. When's your flight?
A Women Asked "What Is The Best Way To Avoid Clickbait?"
coining "twoosh", a contraction of tweet-swoosh. It's when your tweet hits exactly 140 characters sans editing. Nothing but net.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas me: mom i'm a grown man. i don't need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house* There. That should keep 'em out.
"Um guys wait seriously you guys I feel like we should be going the other way they're shooting at us? Um guys?!" --horses going into battle
Everyone is wondering if Biden will jump into the 2016 race He's just Biden his time.
SON: Mom, Grandma is so annoying, I wish she will just die. MOTHER: Idiot, it's your mother that will die, not mine.
Two Irishmen are looking for a job. They come across a sign, that reads, "Tree Fellers". Pat and Murphy look at each other and exclaim, "If only Seamus was here, we would've had the job!"
I want to die the same way I was born. Naked, screaming, and covered in blood.
A band player accidentally broke his instrument. He got in a lot of treble. Edit:That pun didn't end on a good note.
What is a horse's favourite wine? Equine.
Wanted to be a Karmania?! it is so much easy to have comment karmas than having 1 simple link karma
(Q)..... What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? (A)..... Swim.
Sure my mom birthed & raised me, but I've had to explain how to check her email 95,000 times, so let's just call it even.
Why did the pasta chef take his car into the body shop? Cause it got al dente'd up!
Don't judge men by their wealth or appearance, judge them by their characters. All 140 of them.
Why did the bear eat his own arms? They were made of honey.
I just did absolutely nothing for this Klondike Bar.
Some people have trouble sleeping... ...but I can do it with my eyes closed...
My favorite knock knock joke Knock Knock Who's there I eat mop I eat mop who. Say it out loud.
A neutron walks into a store Neutron : "How much is this pack of gum" Store Clerk : "For you it's no charge"
A homeless guy just gave me some change. Note to self: When in public, wear pants.
My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.
what kind of pants does the godfather wear? al pa-chinos
My relationship is like 2 Girls 1 Cup It started off beautifully but got shitty real quick.
Whenever teachers say 'show your work', just write a bunch of numbers down and hope they're tired that night.
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
What did the Priest say to the Church of Vegetables? Lettuce pray.
[Date] Him: I don't trust myself around you Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause
How did the detective solve his cold-case? He put it in a conviction-oven.
How do you make a baby politician cry? How do you make a baby politician cry. Take away his slush-y fund.
Whats worse, being a vegan inmate or non vegan? Or non vegan inmate* Depends on whether you want to eat meat or toss salad.
She wears short skirts I eat pizza She's cheer captain And I'm still eating pizza
Here we go, funniest joke I know... So a man wins a divorce settlement.
When should you feed milk to a baby elephant  ? When it's a baby elephant !
Hillary Clinton Style Condoms! *Rigged for her pleasure*
Which fraternity was George Lucas in during College? Psi Phi.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half-way. Wokka wokka!
My parents are both bisexual, but I never really felt loved or wanted around the house. I guess I am a bit of a by-product.
Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle... The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up.
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper trousers, paper shirts and a paper hat... He was arrested for rustling.
What do a wicked stepmother and a gag reflex have in common? They both keep you from getting to the ball!
5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no
A women can only run as fast as her boobs will allow her.
You know you're getting old when you sound like a women's tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Men are three times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women. We get the shit done right.
[baby throws up all over the couch] Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
"I felt a hair in my mouth but I pulled out a strand of colorful scarves. I knew then." -David Copperfield's unauthorized bio I'm writing
Why was the butcher fired? Because he was caught *beating his meat*!
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don't.
You eat what? Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who!
What do you call a 6 feet tall circle that recently got his diploma from college? A Graduated cylinder.
How many mangoes make a dozen? Six girls ;)
Funny clown joke You know why cannibals don't eat clowns? They taste funny.
My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled," the guy last night made her scream louder." Then it got quiet..
How do you make a whore moan? With peptides... Sicko..
Damn girl are you a humpback whale? Because you're very deep.
My blind friend complained I was putting things in his way... He'll get over it.
girlfriend: we need to talk me: ok what's up girlfriend: I'm pregnant me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT'S MY FAULT TOO
what travels around the world but stays in one corner? postage stamp
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
What does the narcissistic cow say? Moooo! Cuz it's a cow
What do you call a dehydrated frenchman? Pierre
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb None, they just beat the room for being black.
How many Norwegians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 7
What do you call an road construction aardvark? A tarredvark!
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off ;)
When I was a child, my father would always tell me, "The sky's the limit!" He was never supportive of my dreams to become an astronaut.
Text me once, shame on you. Text me twice, congratulations, we are now trapped in an infinite emotional prison.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer's but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying "I gave you one yesterday."
The person who took my sneakers while I was on the jumpy castle at McDonald's Please grow up.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
HOLY SHIT I JUST CORRECTLY GUESSED A WIFI PASSWORD AM I JESUS?
A cannibal went for a walk... ...and he passed his brother
You know what really makes my day? The rotation of the earth
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend ME: generic excuse FRIEND: did u just say "generic excuse"
How do you catch a unique bird ? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird ? Tame way unique up on it.
Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV? Jar Jar Binks
Recreational drugs? No thanks, I went pro years ago.
Reddit is like my ex. The biggest time waster ever.
Tips African country M'lawi
Everyone's inner douche comes out when naming their wifi network.
Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.
Did You Hear About the Man who was Arrested for Possessing NaCl and an Electrical Source? He was arrested for a salt and battery!
All that Felix proved Sunday was that Red bull does not give you wings... You must use a parachute
What's the difference between a nun on her knees and a nun in the bath? One has hope in their soul, the other has soap in their hole
First Cannibal: "Have you seen the  dentist?" Second Cannibal: "Yes he filled my teeth at dinner time."
How did the lion lose at poker? He was playing with a cheetah.
Waiter: Ready to order? Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur? W: ... M: ... W: ... M: Whiskey.
Made a typo writing this report and stumbled on the worst joke. Database Administrator: I love my database so much, you could say she's my databae.
Did you hear Peter Dinklage got pickpocketed? Who would stoop that low?
My son also calls crystal meth, "Cwistal Math"! A-dorable! ;)
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar. You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I never miss my girlfriend... I can hit her every time.
How did Spartacus feel about going down on his wife? He was gladiator
What did one ocean say to the other ocean... nothing it just waved *i am not original just funny
Last night while texting and driving i ran over a kid on his bike I know it's terrible but we all do stupid shit when we're drunk.
"SIRI, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?" -- "SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!" -- "SIRI, WHERE'S MY DINNER?" -- Wife: "She's either deaf, or had sex with you too."
That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter? One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.
What does a buff zombie want? Gaaaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnnnssssss.
Dear People of The World, I don't mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.
What do you call a man with just a nose? No body nose man. Hue hue hue.
How many Police Officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, they were too busy beating up the room for being black.
if you're having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on themselves.
World's shortest resign letter. Dear Sir, Waak! thuu. Thank You.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. 
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
There's no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
What's the difference between you and an egg? An egg gets laid.
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
Spending half of the movie wondering where the fuck did I see this actor before...
what's about 5 inches long and hasn't been inside another man in almost 2 weeks? Cory Monteith's heroin syringe
Why couldn't stevie wonder drive the bus? There's no steering wheel in the back of the bus.
How does an elephant get down from a tree ? He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn !
What is large, grey and sings great jazz songs? Elephants Gerald
Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees? In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology.
I want to go to Gordon Ramsey's restaurant, throw a plate of risotto against the wall, and say "Whoever made this is a fucking donkey!"
Answering Machines "I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person."
My son ask me dad why don't I have a mom because she was shocked when I presented you too her and told her here's are new son
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT Mrs God: You know they're more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My first sex was like 100m dash... ... with 8 black men and a gun.
"Why did you leave your last job?" -I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"
Did you know that God is rich? Yeah, back in Israel he made a prophet.
Knock Knock Who's there? Europe Europe who? No you're a poo!
I'm reading a book about sufferers of tourettes syndrome... I want to know what makes them tic.
Mexican and Black jokes are all the same... You've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.
I put out a Want ad for a psychic... It said, "You know when and where to show up. Don't be late."
Naked and Afraid, but it's just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Why are commercial flights always cheaper for vultures? All their luggage is carrion.
CAFFEINE-FREE DIET COKE: BECAUSE YOU LOVE CARAMEL COLOR
Whodunnit ? by Ivor Clew
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.
On a scale of 0-1... How much do you love binary?
My nights 50% sleeping 50% avoiding getting up to pee
Why don't Pirates get invited to Birthday parties? Because they always steal doubloons
[OC] What does a blind pessimist say? "What glass?"
My girlfriend got gang raped by a group of mimes... They did unspeakable things to her.
Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last year. Jaspar: Why was that? Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won't go into a corn maze without a machete.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel  a poodle and a rooster? A cockerpoodlemoo!
What kind of fish will help you hear better ?  A herring aid !
What is black and stuck to the ceiling? A crappy electrician
Redneck word of the day Rectum Ex. I had two good four wheelers but then I rectum.
Two guys walk into a bar. Which was dumb, because the second one should have ducked!
Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work? He was expecting showers.
Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard? Because he's no good at shaving.
What happened to the man who sent a group of crows to the insane asylum? He went to jail because he commit a murder.
My girlfriend is a porn star. She'll be mad when she finds out.
What do call it when actor Charles Dance tries to flirt? Dance moves.
If you're head of the CIA and can't hide an extramarital affair it means it can't be done. Case closed, fellas.
China has a new mid-range rocket called the 'Dong Feng'... ...there is another rocket under development called the 'Pon.'
"Avocado Kedavra" -Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
It's too beautiful to stay inside today. That's why I moved my bed closer to the window.
Why is it never safe to tell a joke about corn? A corn has ears.
Chop, chop! - Chop, chop! - Who's there? - Han. - Han who? - Hannibal.
What do you call baby ents that are going to war? The infantree.
The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to "Take Care". I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.
(Pickup line) Are you a test-tube baby? Because you're perfect.
How do you help a lemon? Lemon-aid.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English.
What do they say for jokes about German sausages? They are the wurst.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they're chewing
And yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking.
There's a great horse joke I'd like to trot out... But it's lame :(
I've recently admitted to being a masochist. The realization has been painful, but I like it.
I went to a club and they played "The Twist", I did the twist. They played "Jump", I jumped. They played "Come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.
What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What do you call an alien starship that drips  water? A crying saucer.
They say Ronda Rousey isn't much of a wrestler... But you'll be amazed when you see her box.
If animals took over the world, what would be they're first decree? O'LAMACARE!!!!!
Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant? Because he was cold and calculating.
My ex-girlfriends all did me dirty like the first 25% of a Netflix loading screen. I was repeatedly tricked into thinking there was a connection
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs.  They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that
Fish Joke of the Day I want to krill myself.
Did you hear that someone put a hole in the fence at the nudist beach? Don't worry, the police are looking into it.
I recently bought a spinning chair... My girlfriend was super pissed about my purchase. Until I let her sit on it. I guess you could say she... *came around*.
So my freind told me he works at a music store. Sounds fun
Facts and science no longer matter. Remember the Renaissance? This era is the opposite of that.
Why do no communists drink Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Thanks honey for rolling over at 3am and telling me I should get some sleep.In my insomnia stupor that hadn't crossed my mind.
"You're prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!" TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
What did the nihilistic sea world trainer say to his boss? "There is no porpoise."
"I can't wait to bore my friends with this." Dude filming concert on his phone.
a great joke to tell on the phone What has a little dick and hangs down? a bat! now what has a big dick and hangs up? *click*.
Sleep is always the answer. Upset? Go to sleep. Not feeling well? Go to sleep. Already asleep? Stop making excuses and go to sleep harder.
A Roman walks into a bar He holds up two fingers and says "Five drinks please!"
GB: Brexit was the dumbest thing in the last years! USA: hold my drink!
TIL Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 per cent TL;DR It was wedding cake
I'll never know if those cookies will give me super powers or not unless I eat some.
If a Church Congregation from Massachusetts goes on a Bus Ride It would be Mass Mass Mass Transit
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the chin...
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I walked in on the janitor using the women's washroom. I asked him what he was doing in there. He said "The men's washroom is filthy."
Heading to a pumpkin patch with a cheeseburger. When pumpkins see me eating meat, they let their guard down. They never see it coming.
My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful
What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu? For swine flu you need "Oinkment", for bird flu you need "Tweetment".
Everyone is saying 9/11 was a joke, it wasn't. It's a social experiment.
Ur hot plz marry me. *no reply* OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO
I wouldn't say I "missed" your call.
What's a redditor who makes pirate jokes' favorite letters? It could be R and the C, but they definitely aren't OC.
If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?
People who text back instantly. Keep it up, I like that sh1t.
Q5: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?
Did you hear about the gangster panda? It eats shoots and leaves.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
A Mexican magician says... ...that he'll disappear on the count of three. "Uno... dos..." **POOF!!** He disappeared without a tres.
Yo mama so dumb she tried to minimize a 9 variable function to a sum of products wit a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm
Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.
Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story? Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
On my way home from work today I was listening to Placebo.. I thought I was listening to something else, but obviously I was the control group.
Roses are red.. I'm in debt.
What's the difference between Batman and Martin Brodeur? Batman isn't wearing hockey pads.
What do you get when you cross a valley girl and a goth? Oh macabre! (say it out loud with a really annoying white girl voice)
Two guys are talking: (1) - I've bought a tour to my mother-in-law. (2) - Your mother-in-law???!!! (1) - Why not to Bagdad.
My grandma got me a gift card to Walmart for my birthday. She told me not to spend it all in one place.
I lost my phone and it's on silent. Man! I should've listened to Beyonce.
Whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne? The priest doesn't wait for you to hit puberty to come on your face.
Its not gay if its a three way The two other guys promised.
Why does the homeless man only drink coffee? He had no proper tea..
What do you do, if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
I don't think Twitter's real. I think I'm in a mall in 1987 listening to "I Think We're Alone Now" & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.
You might be a redneck What'a the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as he hits a windshield? His asshole....
Crueless joke Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Guy talking to a girl Guy: I have a joke about my penis. Ah... forget get, it's too long. Girl: I have a joke about my vagina. You won't get it.
I got an STD from a hipster. My doctor said he's never heard of it.
You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill...
How did Darth Vader know what Leah got Luke for Christmas? He felt his presents.
A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman... And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off. "I told her I was 90".
I like my women how I like my wine... ...Locked down in the basement
How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base? I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.
What happened when the communists took over the airport? The planes kept Stalin.
Ladies: Is your boyfriend the strong, silent type? Is he carved out of wood? Ladies, you may be dating a garden gnome.
Julie: What time is it? Counsellor: Three o'clock. Julie: Ohno! Counsellor: What's the matter? Julie: I've been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a different answer!
Waiter: Why didn't you make all the food on  that long order? Cook: Because I'm a short order cook.
Why could the witch never get the enchantments right? She forgot to use Spell Check.
What's a bad way to stop a pedophile? Tell him to think of the children.
"Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history" -my relatives
Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly? They're going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.
Having a good friend is just like peeing your pants. Everybody can see it but only you feel that warm sensation of happiness.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My high-school wrestling coach called me "the raccoon" cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you're not required to keep it forever, like they can't arrest you if u throw it out.
What did one testicle say to the other testicle ago was aggravating him? You're being very teste
Once evolution gets around to it, it's going to be an awkward few months for the first dude born without nipples.
It's kinda sad that Shakira's hips are our generation's George Washington.
Oh man what's it called when you keep doing the same thing over & over but keep getting the same result? Oh yeah, I'm a serial killer.
What is a Mexican weather report? Chilli today hot tamale.
What was Han Solo's reaction to being taken to the carbon-freezing chamber? He was petrified.
There once was a man from Nantucket... Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin: "If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it."
My dad said the key to a good marriage is "never go to bed mad." Then he said "In fact, never go to bed at all!" and handed me a bag of meth
A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat... He said, "We have supporters all around the globe!!!"
[GoT Spoiler] Olly really wanted to know how.. Jon came back from the dead, but instead, Jon just left him hanging.
What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a convertable? I keep one in my garage and one in my closet. Edit:typo.
What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? A show off
Honeymooners (II) Her friend asked how the honeymoon went. "OK," she said. "Though Niagara Falls wasn't as big as I hoped, either."
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack.
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan... An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it's called "cheating."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. She's already been told twice.
How are women like KFC? After your done munching on the breasts and thighs, you have a nice greasy box to put your bone in
[NSFW] Warning Explicit Content This form is explicit. y=x^2
The bartender says..... "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!" A tachyon enters a bar.
Shoutout to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
[Sees cute barista] I'll have a quickie. Barista: Sir, it's called an espresso.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
What should you NOT name your pet chicken? Robin, else he'll be robin the cock
Police always seem disappointed when they realise those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old chocolate wrappers not drugs.
What do you get when you mash up an avagadro? Guacamole.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too! Hey Reddit! What is your favorite Mitch Hedburg joke?
Two biologists have twins. They named one Jessica, and named the other Control.
what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea a salt with a deadly wetpen *hides*
Cop: Tell us what you know! Me: Penguins are monogamous creatures with noted cases of bisexuality Cop: *typing up his science report*
I'm not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.
Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers* Boss: You're still coming in early tomorrow, right?
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was actually a double cross. He had to cross the road in order to gain the trust of the other side.
Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
How do you spell Canada? C-Eh?-N-Eh?-D-Eh?
What do you get if you cross the Internet with a currant bread? Spotted click
What do you call a Burberry Style Transforming Truck? Optimush Prime... Hahaaa.
definitions of twerk 1. to dance and gyrate in a sexually explicit manner 2. what a native of Brooklyn New York says where he goes in the morning
[on date] HER: I cant see u anymore ME (hiding under table): lol I know H: no I mean I cant see u anymore M (still under table): lol I know
The youngest daughter of a cannibalistic family was late to dinner She got the cold shoulder
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver
Electing Trump would really strengthen our dollar Sincerely, Canada
A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar. No he didn't.
Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I was an unpopular child I got beat up a lot at school, but even though my teachers couldn't stop the beatings, they did give me a gym credit for them.
Fun prank: Just leave random "I'm sorry I hit your car" notes on people's cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[drinks milk from carton] WHY AREN'T YOU USING A GLASS?!? "I went to the eye doctor" What does that mean? "He said I don't need glasses"
My first time having sex was just like my first time riding a bike My dad was holding me from behind.
Why won't alligators attack lawyers? Professional courtesy
"Son, if you keep masturbating like that you're going to go blind!" Dad, I'm over here.
How do Spaniards take their coffee? Au lait.
What did the boy buy at the grocery store? Too Bad, I'm not telling you!
I got fired from the calendar factory... just for taking a couple of days off
I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support meeting... So I just came in my pants.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
A nihilist was robbed at gunpoint. Nothing of value was stolen.
Has anyone ever told you what it's like to be royally screwed? Let me fill you in.
I got a call from Egypt today. They tried to get me involved in a pyramid scheme. (Credit to my wife for this one)
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Consuelo Pronounced - Cunts-way-low
There are 2 types of people in the world The ones who can count.
Did you hear about the woman who replaced her addiction to ornithology with alcohol? She was described as being off her tits.
I bet you want to hear a ghost joke right? Thats the spirit.
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
What has two legs and is covered in blood? Half a dog.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission. Who the hell is 'Foreclosure'?
HER: What's your cell plan? ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You? HER: ... ME: ... HER: ... V-Verizon.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said "What ya doin'?" She said "Buying luggage."
An ex girlfriend is like a box of chocolates... ...they'll both kill your dog
Only 5 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.
How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds the bulb and the room spins.
Responded to a "you up" text at 3AM with "Let me play with your teeth." The reply ten minutes later: "no." This is already my favorite year.
My son walks in on me masturbating. He asks me what am i doing. I say, don't worry son you will be doing it soon. Why dad? he asks. Because my arm is getting tired
*has no girlfriend or kids* *gives out dating and parenting advice*
I would absolutely slay the dating game if looks and personality didn't matter
Spatula would be a pretty name for a girl. A girl who spreads easily.
According to my current parking spot I'm a physician
When a man speaks in the forest and there is no wife to hear... is he still wrong?
Woman:"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Man: "Either way love, we'll be having sex in a minute"
Why can't gingers run? Because they have no soles
HOW DO WELSH PEOPLE EAT CHEESE? CAERPHILLY
I watch zombie movies to prepare myself if one day it really happens. Same for porn.
What's the pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright...
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Paddy's Day.
I didn't see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock...
Every minivan without an honor student bumper sticker should be required to have one that says, "My child is a disappointment."
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I'm sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I saw a black guy carrying a TV down the street the other day so I had to run back home and check that mine was still there. It's OK though, mine was still there, just sitting there shining my shoes.
Avian Oprah outside my bedroom window: "YOU get a worm! And YOU get a worm!" They're going nuts out there.
If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.
I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"
I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy I want to go to Miaaami!"
My friend thanked me for inviting him along to Fight Club. I replied "Don't mention it."
What game do tornadoes like to play?  -Twister
[the followin is based on a true story] *clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year* Narrator: its like he forgets its there
What's the best score you can get on a test? "Not Pregnant"
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it? Don't look down! My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.
A french gymnast is getting ready to perform... His coach walks up and says, "Break a leg!"
What do you call a flatulent teacher? A tutor
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public
There was a black out last night. Don't worry, we got him.
What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer? A hole in Juan
I gave love a bad name. I called it Harold.
What do you call it when the lead singer of U2 fights with himself? Bono-y-Bono
Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.
What did Vladimir Putin say after dropping a smashing one-liner? Putout
If you're wearing sandals with pants on i just want you to know I'm the one who spit on the back of your shirt.
What's the difference between a ginger and a brick? Bricks get laid.
They've just added no stockpiling paperclips' to the employee handbook like they knew what I was planning.
Im tired of chasing people who wont chase me... from today on the ice cream man can go fuck himself.
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?"
Did you know Kurt Cobain's gun was named Success? It went right to his head.
Let's agree that if we're both not married in ten years we'll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
What do you call a gorilla with a harpsichord? A silverbach.
Rumor has it that John Wayne's autopsy revealed 40 pounds of fecal matter lodged in his intestines But it turned out to be a lot of shit
I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.
Old cows eventually make for the best glue So if Hillary Clinton becomes president, there's hope that our divided country can once again stick together.
How do you say "whoops" in German? World War 2
A blonde sees a another blonde across a lake and asks "How do I get to the other side?" the other blonde replies... "You are on the other side".
What kind of cake stops blowjobs? (NSFW) Weddding Cake
Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he'll do with both packs.
What do you call a German tampon? A twatstika.
wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"
What do you call a spinning potato? A ro-tater.
What's the best way to attract a pervert? The NSFW tag, you freak
Love means never being able to like another girl's selfie on Instagram ever again.
Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain....and that works for me, cause I'm a pain.
What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver? I'm at your service ma'am.
Santa Claus came early! Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.
The real reason Jesus died on the cross He forgot the safeword.
Text abbreviations date back to the days of the telegraph with common shorthand like DFMWOL for "Dying From Musket Wound Out Loud."
How much did the Cubs pay the devil to win the World Series? 2016.
How did Jim Henson die? He Kermitted suicide
How do you get a mermaid pregnant? You fuck her.
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? It was a small medium at large.
What you call a penis that doesn't satisfy a woman? Yours
A dog made out of diamonds is everyone's best friend.
There are two rules for success... 1. Never reveal everything that you know.
[LPT] Choose the song you hate the most as your alarm tone and place your phone as far as possible Then turn your phone off and sleep like a champion.
Women are super awesome at remembering insults but we have the memory of a goldfish with compliments and need them repeated continually.
Me: I'm in the mood for dessert *winks at wife* [2 hours later] Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
Sleeping pills? Who needs those? We've got PowerPoint.
I lost my eldest daughter to suicide. One down, two to go
Two guys walk into a bar You would think the second guy would have ducked.
What's the best thing about having sexy with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of 'em. edit: autocorrect is a bitch - we all know what it should say.
I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.
What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian? I don't know man, I just fly the drones.
Had to quit my job as an underwear model because the photographer kept telling me, "I'm just a cashier" and that I "need to leave Macy's."
Paddy and Murphy find a mirror. Paddy picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy " that bloke looks really familiar ". Murphy grabs it off him " Its me you idiot "
What do you call a telephone call from  one vicar to another ? A parson to parson call !
The glass ceiling is dangerous. I can't believe they'd let a woman up there. (Credit to Raising Hope)
Whale joke How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers!
There's a Little House On The Prairie film in the works, in case any of you are looking to take a two-hour nap in a theatre next year.
Why did Jesus get a ticket? He tried to skip the Cross walk.
What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris? Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I'm still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
CS:GO's New One-Shot Revolver http://blog.counter-strike.net/index.php/2015/12/13288/
The Mohel Did ya know that Mohels don't get paid? They only take tips.
I decided to give a name to my dinner. It was a Miss Steak.
What do men and Subway have in common? They both exaggerate the length.
How do you determine the personality of a hot dog? Give it an Oscar-Myers-Briggs test
What's brown and sticky? A stick...
I ran into your mom today. I ran into your mom earlier today, she told me she made $400.05 lastnight sucking dick. So I asked her "Who gave you the nickel?" She said "They all did".
How do you say virgin in German? Goodentite
If booze isn't the answer, then your question sucks.
"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife. "What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she queried. "It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."
Who was the first mathematician? A concave man
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
"As long as you append my name to a quote,... people would buy into it and take it seriously." - Winston Churchill
Which government organization is involved with protecting Area 51? The C.I.ayy
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
I was born in the USA... ..some parts imported from China, though.
I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
Watch Forrest Gump *feel inspired *toss orthotics out, go for jog *1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Why do the versions of Windows jump from 8 to 10? Because no one wanted Windows Nein!
What is the difference between Donald Trump and Bill Clinton? Ivanka didn't keep the dress
What do you call it when a fish fucks his sister? Fincest. (This joke is shitty, I know, but I couldn't resist posting it.)
Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup pot? Because any more would be too farty.
So my brother is dating a mermaid. Yeah, apparently their relationship's on the rocks.
My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
Where do ghoulies go to on the day before Halloween party? To the boo-ty parlour.
I was thinking of shaving my beard But it really grew on me.
I was cutting up vegetables in the kitchen... ...and was promptly arrested
Have you heard the slogan for Charles Dickens Brand Hard Cider? There is nothing quite like a hard Dickens' Cider!
Only real 90's kids remember being called a lazy fucking millennial
Went to Lowes for a new dishwasher pretty stoked that she has a job too.
During sex it's perfectly fine to say "yeah", "yes", and "oh yes" but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming  "yep"
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? The light bulb was already changed a month ago the last time this was reposted
[start of interview] Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere* Interviewer: ...welcome to BP
All my life I've refused to wear perfume. But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me.
Him: I'm making you Produce Manager. Me: A PLUM assignment! H: ... M: You're a PEACH! H: ... M: Do I start today or TOMATO? H: You're fired.
Why was the empty penis so scary? Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener) [works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]
TEBOW FEVER!! I haven't seen this many people following a white bronco since OJ!!!!! Ba-ha-ha!!
For sale: One parachute Used once, never opened.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client's mouth bleeding? Dentist: he doesn't floss Me: You hit me! D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don't floss
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a large-breasted crab? One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Parallel lines have so much in common... Its a shame they'll never meet.
What do a walrus and a zip-lock bag have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts? With jammin'.
The average person loses their virginity at 17. Congratulations you are above average.
That thing your kid said wasn't funny.
If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country. If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. It's not like I don't like either one. I just love to travel.
What did the little acorn say when it got planted and grew up? Geometry.
Death: I've come for you. Me: That's what she said. D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. Didn't want it waking the wife and kids.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in.
People accept that God exists & created the universe without evidence or proof but if you tell them Facebook is down they immediately check.
what's 6 inches long 2 inches wide and drives a woman wild? money
How do Reavers clean their spears? They run them through the Wash :(
How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece? With a crowbar.
I burnt a lot of calories today... I set a fat kid on fire.
Would you like to hear a joke about dried grapes? It's not that good, don't go raisin your expectations.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
The 7 days of my week.....Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday
I'm so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.
I swear babe, I'm a virgin, it must be a miracle. *Joseph rolls eyes
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Stegosoreass.
I got fucked by a priest 20 years ago.... ....He said "you may now kiss the bride".
Mirror mirror on the floor, who's the worst at home decor?
Remember not to laugh at your ex wife's choices. You were one of them.
Did I tell you I'm joining a gym in Gainesborough? Because I'm all about those gains bro
If I hear another conversation about that stupid dress... I'm going to beat them until they're white and gold.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung's competitors have to say is "we won't blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!"
Did you hear the iPhone 6S Plus is selling really well? Seems like it's a big 6S
I know the real reason the Pope is resigning. He finally realized that they were never going to promote him to God.
How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to film it. **Alternate Ending** One, but it takes him fifty tries.
HORSE: *walks into a bar* BARTENDER: Why the long face? HORSE: Updog BARTENDER: What's updog? HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Expert Archer Detected How do you know if someone's an expert archer? Put an apple on your head &amp; stand still; he'll Tell you.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I'm stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Everything is rightly confused.
"I couldn't love anyone like you," I told my wife. "Aw, thanks," she blushed. I'm glad she didn't understand me.
Dude, relax. Nothing wrong with a little experimenting. You're making a brokeback mountain out of a brokeback molehill.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*
A twist on a Thanksgiving classic . . . Written by my twelve-year-old brother: Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring? A: Separatists and small pox.
Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide? Artificial Intelligence.
How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? ..To get to the other side!
If a blind couple breaks up... would they start hearing other people?
Joey: WHOA Blossom: So you like that? Joey: WHOA Blossom: Are you saying stop? Joey: WHOA Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever
Woman : All men are dogs. Me : Which breed is your dad, bitch?
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&amp;M factory? She threw away all of the W's.
Why should you never make fun of fat people who have lisps? They're thick and tired of it
#NewSATQuestions Starbucks messed up Kate's order. Kate's white. How done is she? a.) 100% done b.) 300% done c.) SO done d.) She can't even
How can you tell if a shark has dandruff? He left his head and shoulders on the beach.
Life without bacon is meaning less... That's why we can kill the jews.
Yesterday at around 830pm a man pulled out a pair of scissors at me Luckly I had enough agility and I pulled out a rock because if I were have pulled out paper he would have won.
What does a light bulb filled with gas?
What's the difference between a clit and the mini bar in a hotel? Most men can find the mini bar in less than 3 minutes.
Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do
What's the difference between a redditor and a dead baby? The redditor never gets gold
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat".
I have a new party trick. I swallow two bits of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together... I shit you knot!
A seal walks into a bar A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
I used to have a terrible addiction to soap... ...but I'm clean now.
Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I've gone.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
Always remember, that no matter how useless you think you are, you are still someone's reason to smile.
I asked a hooker to talk dirty to me in Latin. She declined.
Harry and Jerry Harry is at home and his door is locked. Jerry come in Harry says, "Who are you and how did you get here" Jerry says, "I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith"
hate to brag but I can still fit in my Quinceanera dress
How does Hitler tie his shoes? One Jew at a time!
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Mopeds are for men who want to ride motorcycles but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas
Did you hear about the avon lady ? Max Factor
How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I said to my girlfriend, "Do you want to experiment with a role-play rape fantasy?" She said, "**NO!**" I said, "*That's the spirit!*"  Jimmy Carr
Relationships are like onions They seem harmless on the outside but once you get into it you'll cry.
What does a radical, democrat and republican have in common? They both want to make money off of other people's work!
Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses.. Me: Nah, I'm afraid you'll see how high I am
And satan said "let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you" and it was so
Why wouldn't you laugh at punch lines in a circle-jerk? You'd see them coming.
The Grim Reaper walks over to you in his Uggs, taps his Michael Kors watch and says, "you're literally dead."
I reached my goal of shedding 137 pounds this week It's nice being single again
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
I've drawn a cartoon picture of Mohamed and signed it Kim Jong-un. Let's see where this goes.
If your house it hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT AND SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tyred. Alexa gave me that one. Bing Bang boom.
Confucius Say Women who fly plane upside down have crack up.
How many fuccbois does it take to screw in a lightbulb? idk, you dtf tho?
A man walks up to two nuns and reveals himself to them, one had a stroke... ... the other couldn't quite reach.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I'm dating a grill now.
Buses are like pornstars... Nothing for an hour then they all cum at once.
If Ryan Gosling doesn't ask me to be his valentine, I'm moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.
What happens if you cross a snowman and a vampire? You get a frostbite.
18: I'm going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues. Me: ...
Today I told my girlfriend she should really join Reddit cause... We'd be on the same page.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won't be laughing when it's time to pick it all up
[Jokes] The three girls LOL FUNNY!
Why do you get ebola from a feminist? Because they don't shave, going down on them would be basically eating bushmeat.
My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there
What do Caitlyn Jenner and my Chrysler have in common? They're both convertables.
How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam.
I stepped on an ant hill today and realized I had probably killed a lot of innocent ants. I also killed all the ant rapists so, I'm a hero.
Life is that reality show character wearing a leopard print caftan saying "Yer either gonna love me or hate me, I just tell it like it is"
Have you ever tried Nicaraguan food? They haven't.
What's it called when you're sucking in your stomach but it looks like you're not?
I wish I had never wished for that. "Done. You're back to 2 wishes."
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
Did you know that all milk has to be sterilized before use? Prepasteurous!
You never can trust atoms... Because they make up everything!
This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs
I went shopping yesterday and bought myself a ring binder. I haven't been able to do a shit since...
What do you call pasta in a poor neighborhood? Spaghetto
What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!
What do women and werewolves have in common? (Offensive) They both go berserk once every month.
Me: What do gay horses eat? Mom: Oh! I've heard this one, it's Haaaaaaay!" Me: Wrong. Penises.
The gardener asked me what I wanted him to do, I told him to water the plants... He points and asks "water these?", I said "nah man, *pointing* WATER THOSE".
Do zombies go to heaven when they die? I hope so. There's lots of nice people up there to eat.
Whether you believe in evolution or not, one thing is certain... Human ancestry's pretty fishy.
Matthew Broderick just became the "mare" of Sarah Jessica Parker on Horsesquare.
Atoms are liers... the makeup everything
"Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you've had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling." - me as a doctor
-I got you a birthday present... ...but I can't give it to you until tomorrow. -What is it? -It rhymes with 'Something to get drunk with'.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to say the word, "unionized".
Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
Sex with an optometrist can be so tedious... "better this way or that way? This way or that way? This way or that way? ..."
How do you make a hotdog with a tree? You fold it
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I ordered a book on near death experiences. The anticipation almost killed me.
What kind of bug can survive all winter? A bahumbug!
What does a bull do to stay warm on a cold day? It goes into a barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.
*Dentist's waiting room* *Trying to make conversation with other patient* So... I guess you have teeth, too?
I spilled coffee all over my Macbook... ...now it won't go to sleep.
I'm 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I'm not even going to pretend I'll make it.
A guy wire is holding a pole... ...the pole is 10 meters tall, the wire makes a 48^o angle from the ground and the very tip is 7 meters from the pole. How long until the feminists arrive?
My wife and I have a new arrangement. I can sleep with any woman I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore.
Roy Hodgson has some really important decisions to make now. Like if he wants a window or aisle seat.
Gabe Newell should be the World President He will prevent World War 3.
What did the cannibal say when he came home  and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no not snake and pygmy pie again!
Bono is gonna be really pissed off when he finds out he's not Jesus.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career. At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.
new pet ideas: an egg with hair on, small bear, tictac size baby cats, frog with wheels
This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
((Sigh)) I would love to get a new BMW i8 It definitely will get the most gals per mile in city driving.
The only thing that bakes at room temperature. Stoners.
Did you hear about the loud tree? It had a lot of bark. It gave another tree a splitting headache. So it took some aspen.
Two's Company, Three's a Crowd
what do you get when you cross epsom with a gun a salt with a deadly weapon
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 8 pints.
Me and my girlfriend tried anal the other night... Me and my girlfriend tried anal the other night for the first time. didn't go so well. no idea how my ass is supposed to fit inside her vagina...
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money.
What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? U.C.L.A
The only way to score with a robot Is to get it in the mode
Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with "If you buy this, women will have sex with you"
Do you know what would make this sub better? No more /u/JokeExplainBot
Omg what a weekend - I don't need to eat again for the rest of this year. Is that cheesecake?
Sometimes i look up at the stars, the sky and wonder... ... Where the FUCK did my roof go?
Why do women sound like they're having an orgasm when they play tennis? And why does my mother play Tennis in her bedroom?
What did the Nazi without a car say? Damnit! Now I'm going to have to sieg HAIL a cab!
this asian is Hannibal Lecter At the animal shelter
Apparently "Which one?" wasn't the best answer when my gf's dad asked me "What are your intentions with my daughter?"
Wife wants to relax today! Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets. Husband: why three tickets? Wife: you and your parents. 
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman ? Snowballs
I watched Mad Max: Fury Road today.
Just found out I've been eating women's energy bars for the past few months. No side effects except making 30% less money than I used to
What's the difference between a lawyer and an Irishman? [OC] One has passed a BAR.
What makes me want to lose the will to live? /r/Jokes!
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who's day he wanted to ruin
Where did vampires go to first in America?  New-fang-land.
Never drink water after eating fish !!! Your stomach might become an aquarium. PS not mine read it somewhere
Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.
Why did Caitlyn Jenner have a differently spelled version of Caitlin? Because she can't get rid of the Y chromosome
What happens when you give Viagra to a politician? He gets taller
I am going to live stream my extremely Mexican wife farting onto an 8x10 photograph of Donald trump at midnihgt
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't breaking news. It's been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
There are three kinds of people in this world... Those that can do Math, and those that can't.
The secretary keeps hearing music coming from the printer... I think the paper is jamming.
Data's joke from Star Trek:TNG, please finish it: "A monk a clone and a ferengi decided to go bowling together."
I don't understand you," cried my girlfriend. "One minute you're really offensive to me and the next you're really polite." "Bitch, please," I said
TIFU By Eating My Boss's Sandwich Oops wrong sub.
Why did the chicken... ...cross the Mobius strip?
What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits till you're 14 to come on your face
Why a man should ever want to marry a woman is a mystery. Why a man should ever want to marry 2 women is a bigamistery.
R.I.P Satoru Iwata He's pushing Peaches and Daisies now.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I'm going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I'm done with it
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
If Trump wins I'm moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Does anyone use question marks properly anymore.
Who lost a herd of elephants ? Big bo peep !
I can't tell jokes about the Titanic anymore... I just get a sinking feeling when I do.
Tuesday walks into a bar sits down, hangs his head, and says why me.
[at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
An old man on went Facebook You'll never believe what happens next.
How do Muslims seperate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
Some relationships are like farts, sooner or latter you gonna have to let it go!
What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet? We're going to have a BB!
Went to my first fight Club tonight, was so much fun, got there a bit late so I missed the first bit of induction. But wow was it fun! Anyone who is keen or wants to know more, hit me up for details!
What's the difference between ignorance and arrogance? I don't know, and I don't care.
A man with Alzheimer's walks into a bar.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
When Tom Cruise is driving, he says "Now in Cruise Control!" with this stupid smirk on his face even when there's no one else in the car.
The office supplier gave us some cheap toilet paper and now we've got a real mess on our hands.
What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets
What do you call a scary horse? A night-mare.
Actual advice Mallard in a recent interview denounced his internet fame. It was quite a pro duck shun.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles? Me: Do you remember spray painting my car? 13: yeah M: Are you breathing? 13: yeah M: Well, there ya go
A married couple where each has a doctorate degree is a paradox.
him: what did you do all day? *steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together* Me: it's a purrrramid!
When I'm at a bar with my cousin she doesn't think it's funny when I yell 'BUT HE'S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!' every time the music dies down.
I used to date a girl with cataracts Things were going great until one day she stopped seeing me.
I dont have a "college fund" bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I keep confusing the names Jimmy and James Doesn't matter, as they both think everyone loves their sausage.
A professional limboer walks into a bar. He was disqualified from the competition.
Batman Arkham Knight PC port
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment "gorgeous" on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
A guy walks into a bar of soap.
What did one cheese say to the other? I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate!
Who says Republicans aren't into recycling? Mitt Romney's thinking of running for President, again.
I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn't feed them and someone else did they wouldn't go to them immediately.
So a Latvian man went to Idaho Because he died.
How did Obama react when he heard Donald Trump won for president? [*removed due to copyright infringement*]
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
All human females should be exterminated at menopause to reduce bitchiness? amiright?
Just trying to figure out how the text box works
What is a Mormon's favorite movie? Lord of the Rings
I call my penis Oscar Pistorius... ... it only goes inside for a disappointingly short period of time.
What does the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breath out of that thing? It's so small.
OC: after talking with my buddy, I thought of this. how do you know if some does crossfit? They''ll tell you.
"Susan, will you marry me?" "Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!" Ten grand later and it's still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Unless you're telling me how to skip it in the future, your voicemail greeting wastes my time.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
*on first date* Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
What value is higher than infinity? Infinity plus 1. I'm sorry.
What happens to your car insurance if you don't notify them that you've wrecked a car? I don't know, but it's not wreck-amended.
My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I built a lighthouse... but it blew away.
[DIY] How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower Buy the bitch a shovel
Who surfs the Net by pecking at the keyboard? www.oody www.oodpecker.
What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction
What do you call a corrupt lawyer? Senator.
Why is the space between a woman's chest and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
You said clothes were 50% off But not one woman in here is topless That false advertising!
Pete Rose had a 90 second ovation at the all star game. It brought a tear to his eye.... Because he took the over.
A skeleton walks into a bar.... ...asks for a pint and a mop.
My wife came in and caught me watching something X rated material... "Someone's set the channel numbers to Roman numerals!" I exclaimed.
If I see you being rude to a waitress, I'll spit in your food myself.
Did you hear about Medusa's short lived stand up career? She always faced a tough crowd.
A girl called me up, she said "come over there's nobody home" So I went over, but there was nobody home
"A car I've never seen before just parked outside. We're gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you're not listening to me I said..." - Dogs
What did one cell say to its sister cell when she stepped on him? "Mitosis !"
Why are surveyors so much fun? Because most of them are party chiefs.
What will they call Bruce Jenner after the final sex-change operation? Sluice
Ladies and gentlemen, my browsing history... [deleted]
A physicist sees a man about to jump from a building 'Don't do it! ' he shouts 'You have so much potential! '
Son, i don't think you are cut out to be a mime. Son: Was it something I said?
Wife just gave birth to our second child and told me I need to appreciate her more I promised to worship the ground she stomps on
So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with but I've been tripping all day.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Why hasn't Mexico got an Olympic team? Because the ones who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S
What do you call souvenirs from the last battle of the Napoleonic wars? Wat-heirlooms.
What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas? I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.
If you're not part of the solution... ... you are part of precipitate.
While digging a hole today I found a bunch of old gold coins. I ran in to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
How to 4-dimensional aliens get around? In Tralfamadoloreans.
Then there was the noodle who wanted all his life to be an M... but when he finally got his wish, no one believed him cause he was an M pasta...
Why is a praying muslim like apple pie with ice cream? Both are in *a la mode*.
Someone sly sheared sleeping sheep. Talk about shear terror.
My grandma just broke her hip farting! #EpicFrail!
What do you call a fear of Alkaline? A pH-obia
Teacher : Tommy you try my patience ! Tommy: No teacher you had better try mine. There's more of it !
Why are Jew's noses so big? Because air is free.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands] Oh dear god not again
I have a heroine addiction... ...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.
How did Paul, the octopus, originally die? Torres went and asked Paul proudly, "How many goals will I end up with after thia this World Cup?" Paul died laughing.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout? A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
Imagine being in space and floating past all the planets. You could probably go kart on Saturn's rings.
What do you call an aardvark that writes poems? A bardvark!
ELI5: What are thoooooooose?!?
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear ? Winnie the Pooh !
How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
What does the man with two left feet ask the shoe salesman? "Do you sell flip-flips?"
You know, Professional Wrestling is lot like the country of China. 90% of the stuff they do is Fake.
Why do men pay more for car insurance? Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
Why are Jewish men circumcised ? Because a Jewish woman won't touch anything unless it's 50% off.
I'm single by choice. But it's not my choice.
[parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
How do you make a German cry? Show them their gas bill
*exorcism* DEMON: *roars* PRIEST: we must restrain him! WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs* PRIEST: ... DEMON: hey now
Why aren't sumos chummy with racecar drivers? They move in different circles.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.
TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwich for my wife. Oops, wrong sub. Edit: Turns out this has been posted before :(
How did the cavemen in the far east protect them selves? They Rocked their doors.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day. Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist? Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can't stop stripping.
Why are ska bands so clean? They always pick it up pick it up pick it up.
Only 3 more weeks until my Christmas lights change from "still being up" to "being up early".
The problem with political jokes... ...is that they always get elected.
Sweet Potato Philosophy "I think therefore I yam."
My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
You all know any good masturbation jokes? C'mon, I bet we can crank some out.
how do you know if you have a high sperm count? your daughter has to chew before she swallows
I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas
How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.
Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.
I wonder how telemarketers react to other telemarketers when they are at home...
Clever Commas If your Uncle Jack helped you get off an elephant, would you help your uncle, jack off an elephant.
"Socks... they're like... soft little canoes for your feet." - Don Draper, having a stroke
Is it me or does it seem like Cinco de Mayo is always on May 5th?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren't called psychopaths? Well they should be.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
How do you get a kleenex to dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Sometimes I just wish I was black. That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes
How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3....one to bend over, one to screw the lightbulb in, and one to drive the gay pride day parade float.
Moses talking to a burning bush was child's play ...compared to the miracle of getting a hundred thousand Jews to voluntarily go in to the Red ~~sea~~.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway
Willie Nelson? (NSFW) What is the worst thing Willie Nelson could say to you while you are giving him a blowjob? I'm not really Willie Nelson
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months? I think we should sea otter people.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables... What does a humanitarian eat?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Bob
How does a cow add and subtract? With a cowculator.
"I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That's crazy." Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Where did Cookie Monster develop PTSD? Viet-nom nom nom nom nom.
I found out my best friend was a heroin addict... Needles to say, that friendship ended quickly.
I met a girl with 12 Nipples, sounds funny? Dozen tit
I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has.
I really can't tell you what I'll be doing this time in 4 years... ... as I do not have 20/20 vision.
What do you call someone who is obsessed with a constant breeze? a 'fan'atic.
My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying I swear to god...
There are some horrible bastards about I heard a cat crying outside my door and I saw 4 blokes in Chelsea shirts playing football with it I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1- 0 up
What did the horse say to the other horse? Hay,I thought you knew horses couldn't speak!
Its funny how condoms are relatively cheap but as soon as you break one your out a few hundred.
When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, 'Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.'
April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
What did the drowning mathematician say? Logloglogloglog...
The greatest joke about being gullible
What did the egg say to the  boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
I was about to tell a DUMB Nirvana joke, but.... NEVERMIND.
What did the insurance company say to the applicant? THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!
I haven't had a server go down on me that long since New Year at Hooters. Edit for explanation: https://techcrunch.com/2016/08/11/reddit-is-currently-experiencing-a-major-outage/
*ransom note on gun* [1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions] [ps please mail gun back it's my only one]
why doesn't mexico have an olympic team? because everybody that can run, swim or jump in in the united states...
My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'.
*reads sign* No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service! *takes off pants*
Studs put the stds in u.
What did the architect say about the rack? How does she not fall over?
So, I just heard about the 7.5 earthquake in New Zealand... Seems a lot of people are shaken up about it.
How do you make something go viral? Herpes.
What's the hardest part of skydiving? The ground.
THIS IS MY LOCKER ROOM TALK GUY: Hey, do you know if they supply towels here? ME: Please don't look at me, my shirt is off.
Um, I'm not "complaining" of chest pains *glares at paramedic* don't make this heart attack sound bratty
What's the hardest part about rollerskating? Explaining to your dad that you're gay
Have you ever looked at someone's phone's selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?
I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise... ... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.
What type of transporter does Mr. Scott use? A Beemer.
Being an adult means assuming someone's dead every time your parents call you at work.
What's the hardest part of skydiving? The ground!
How do you keep a retard in anticipation?
I just ended a 5 years long relationship I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.
What do you call an Aboriginal in a lamp? And Abori-genie.
Everyone has a thigh gap... ...when they're doing the splits.
How does a water bear sleep? It Hydronates
What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music? A Sub-Woofer.
I slept like a baby last night... ...I woke up screaming because I had shat myself
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don't laugh* 2 parts baking soda
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator. EDIT: In regards to BattletardBlacknigga, I also heard this joke from my dad. Which was awkward but made it funnier in a weird way.....
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? Because he thought it was a delivery service.
[grocery store] Ok, milk... Check! Eggs... Check! Tomatoes... Check! "Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?"
Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time. Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time? Customer: No you have to look at it.
Thank you to the brave tree who sacrificed its life so that I could have this giant receipt from CVS for purchasing a pack of Dentyne Ice.
I recently started smoking... It was all dunhill from there
How do you define necrophilia? The urge to crack open a cold one
How does Homer Simpson say watermelon in French? Melon D'OH
What did Dr. Evil say when he fell in the rancor pit? Throw me a frickin bone here.
So there's this cute girl from work and I'm too shy to talk to her But then I realized, all I needed to do to talk to her was to remove the duct tape
[At job interview] Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
what's the difference between a vagina and your joke? Nothing. They both stink!
When you're on a date that's not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis. You're welcome.
What does a tornado and a woman have in common? It starts with a little blowing but at the end your house is gone
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. It still has potential.
What is Donald Trump's favorite movie? Minority Deport
Tried to leave a voicemail for my mom but she picked up. I was forced to drop my phone into my purse and shake it around for 10 minutes
Report: Underpaid bowling alley employees to go on strike.
Did you hear the one about the Mormon porn star? They spent a year doing missionary work.
The Best Knock Knock Joke All Day! Fuck you Chad.
Are your breast imported? Because they look like they're over C's
You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
What did the sushi say to the bee? WASABI. Ah, best lame joke ever.
Want to hear a joke about Ebola? You probably won't get it
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Cop lights should be called sex lights because every time you see them someone is getting fucked
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance..... ..... I'll show him
Frequently Asked Questions: 1) You did what? 3) How dare you? 53) Don't you know how numbering lists works?
God said, "Peter, come forth..." But he came fifth and got a toaster instead.
You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine!
Why has Santa Claus such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.
I'm not a lucky man I once gambled on a couch and won a baby
You know those before-after models? I'm a professional before model
[tv ad] Hey folks, this is Don Key! Come on down to Key's Automotive for.. uh- [camera still rolling] holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey
What do you call two lesbians floating down a river in a canoe? Fur traders.
Would an unfulfilled beer ad bikini model... be known as a sadder Budweiser girl?
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.
Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties
The keurig machine at work acts like its going to give me coffee, but it turns off at the last minute. I feel like I'm getting brew balls.
What is a jewish golfer's favorite vegetable? A parsnip.
The one good thing about Hurricane Patricia Clean Drinking water falling from the sky for Mexico!!
I just overheard my kid muttering "I'm sorry you had to see that" to a stuffed toy. It's probably best not to ask what "that" was right?
My friend wants to be frozen to 273.15C after he dies. But at least we know (_) ( _)&gt;- (_) he was 0K.
Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great? Its been renamed to The View, however...
What do Trump and Sanders have in common? They both have an equal chance of winning the Democratic nomination.
Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
What is impotence? Impotence is when your mind starts to be a dick and your dick is philosophising.
(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln I just foiled your plan.
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
Dear protestors, Rosa parks refused to give up her seat on the bus, she didn't trash it. There's a difference. Pls don't crucify me
What does the cow say while having sex? Nothing... she just mmmooOOOAAAANNnnnsssss...
Moshe was walking down the street and gets run over by another Jewish driver. The driver speeds away and yells out the window "Watch Out"! Moshe responds "Why? Are you coming back?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
Why didn't the Asian man cry when his wife died? Because he just couldn't bereave it.
What's the difference between Black man, and Batman? Batman can go in a convenience store without Robbin.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I hate when I'm trying to do shit and I have a wife
thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 min before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon
My friend has the Koran on DVD... I asked him if he could burn me a copy.
It's impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
overheard some guy say "finals week sucks." little does he know, everything sucks
A Woman's tongue & Man's eye, will rest' only when they die.
picked up a bag of 98% reduced fat chips at the store today there were only 2 damn chips in the bag
Is your pH 14? Cause you're a basic bitch
There is no "g" in paradigm. "You're thinking of phlegm," she says. Well now I am.
I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts. I guess that's why the pioneers usually died so young.
Over Christmas, my Mexican friend told me why they have the tradition of making tamales instead of other traditional foods. It's so they have something to unwrap.
why dont jewish people like getting made fun of? Because millions of them already got roasted
What's the difference between Colonel Custer and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians
Let's get a thread of jokes that are funny to hear, but don't work if you read them I'll start: What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh!
What does the Pokemon dentist do? He takes a Pikachu teeth.
[Couples counseling] "It's not good to keep these things bottles up, you know" Okay, fine *opens jar of wasps*
[At Mall] Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE! Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ? "Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth"
What do you call a stylish molecule? A molecool.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU MIX A RETARD AND A FUCKHEAD? AN AMERICAN! YOU GET AN AMERICAN!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? Carrot!
So I was fucking this woman... And she said that she wanted 12 inches and she wanted it to hurt, so I stuck it in 3 times and hit her with a baseball bat.
Don't you just hate when people reply with "This?" This.
What do an anorexic person and Sonic the Hedgehog have in common? They both gotta go fast.
What's the exchange rate for pigs and trees? A porcupine.
What do you call noodles that aren't spaghetti? Impastas
Been really trying to see things from my wife's point of view lately... Been looking out this kitchen window for hours...
i'm every guy who says he's taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later
How is Chick-Fil-A like a black hole? You can come in, but you can't come out. &lt;editorial non-joke remark - I'm straight, but these guys need to learn a lesson IMHO&gt;
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
What do you call fake pasta? An impasta
Alarm company: We need your emergency contact info. Me: (eating chips) My dog doesn't have a cell phone.
Why did the Orange stop rolling? It ran out of juice!!!
Chuck Norris opened the Ark of the Covenant and kept his eyes open. The Ark melted.
If you make an oriental dizzy.... does he become disoriented?
Obama and Putin are fighting over a phone charger. You might even say they're in a power struggle.
I think I'm psychic. Now now I know what you're thinking..
Can anyone teach me how to finger a minor? I need to work on my guitar skills.
I've assembled a list of all the jokes feminists find funny: ##
My black friend wears Ask body spray.
If we do end up colonizing Mars.. ..the WiFi there would be out of this world
I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking, "it's psychic."
CLICKBAIT TITLE (*bad pun goes here*) (*necessary edit acknowledging upvotes and more bad puns in comments*) (*necessary second edit for the anon's gold*)
Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.
Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with  pictures of animals doing funny stuff.
Why did the girl get grumpy after anal sex? She was butthurt.
Anyone hear of the rapist mechanic? They say he screws, nuts, and bolts.
Q. What does CHAOS stand for? A. The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.
I'm American, and I'm fed up of people saying that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world
a guy goes to see a therapist And tell him he keeps having 2 reacurring dreams, one night I'm a wigwam, next time a teepee. Doctor says thats easy, you're just two tents.
So I was talking to a feminist the other day... The trial is next week
I'm the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I'm ok, I'm ok"
Always remember you're someones reason to smile Because you are a joke
I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.
Doctor says I'm not supposed to eat before falling asleep... ..but how am I suppose to eat **after** falling asleep?
Our doctor's office painted their examination rooms the color 'Bran Muffin'. They hope to keep our attendance more regular.
Do old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.
New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy. It's called "Ear Bud."
I found out it was snowing by looking outside. WTF Twitter? You are suppossed to tell me these things first.
I play golf like I have sex I mostly hit 3's and 4's
How do you organize a space party? You planet ;)
What did the Native American say when he killed his son on a hunting trip? Bison
I used to love The Village People until they came at me with torches. -Gay Frankenstein
[puts baby in highchair] Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????
When I hear the Christmas song about nuts roasting on an open fire, my testicles move into a defensive formation.
What's the three toughest years of a bass player? Second grade.
What's a Brooklyn contractors favorite dance? Dewalts
I can't wait for Alien vs. Predator vs. Liam Neeson.
The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.
I like my Starbucks like I like my slaves Free
What is a bacteria's OTHER favorite dish? The PETRI dish!
I am a waiter in need of false teeth. Do I need to look for a new job? I don't think indentured servants are legal any more.
You know those people who only tweet once every couple of days? What do they have going on that I don't? I mean, besides a life.
sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don't think they're ugly or something
What do you call a know-it-all Mexican? A Solution Manuel
How many Nazis did it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, despite crimes against humanity they were efficient people and had state of the art engineering.
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be exactly two, and now it's too offensive to talk about.
I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese. It was G rated.
How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?
I hate it when somebody always comments on my status but never likes them.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Why do Computer Scientists always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25!
In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming "stay away from me!"
What is the best way to make your dick look and feel really big? Fuck a toddler.
I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection? Not movies.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Yesterday, I got so depressed.. ..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records. . . Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
Why don't professional athletes ride bikes to warm-up before games? Because then they'd be two tired
[Scientific Conference] Scientist 1: So science? Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I'm being managed by Don King again
My brother and I replaced the tennis balls on Nana's walker with superballs and watching her bounce down the steps was a kodak moment.
My wife asked if I ever think about someone else during sex... "Nope, just myself."
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 
I'm white, but not have good credit white.
What do Reddit and building a mile long fence have in common? Post...repost.....repost....repost...repost...
What would The Beatles have been called if Ringo never joined? The Beatless
How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes? Hold up your arm and say 'Go back you didn't say 'May I?''
How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead hooker? I use them both to get off.
After years of searching, scientists have finally found the gene for shyness... ...hiding behind two other genes.
What do you call a waterfall which causes erections? Viagra Falls
Look at all of these beautiful horse "Horses" Horse is already plural "You're thinking of elk" *stares off* Holy mooses, you're right
Good news: He told me I was his penguin. Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Minecraft isn't wheelchair assessable.
Inmates screaming, throwing feces, refusing to wear clothes. The sale of 4chan has not been well received by long-time visitors of the site.
Does anyone have experience flipping tables? Im sure i do.
I like horror movies because it's the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly
Reddit's future:
*A conversation between two Wannabe Terrorists * T1: Oi mate, check out this bomb. I got it for a very cheap price!! T2: It's a fake man. T1: Fake? C4 yourself man. *explosion*
You know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2.
There are two things I don't like in my girlfriend. It's her chin.
Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require? Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.
Why is Santa's sack so big??? Well, he only cums once a year...
I can't imagine why more guys don't do yoga. 1. Yoga pants 2. Lots of girls 3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves
What's a nice guys favorite type of wood? M'hogany
How do you tell if your scrotum is ticklish? Give it a couple test tickles
Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Classical Conditioning (told by my psychologist student friend that is not on reddit, so all credit to him)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes She cupped her hands & yelled "Shoes, where are you?" I'd help her, but I want to see if this works
[first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, im not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd
The fastest way to learn a foreign language is to take a lover who speaks that language, which makes me wonder about Mr. Ed.
Did you hear the joke about the 100-inch pizza? It's hard to deliver.
What was Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game? Mein Kraft.
Dont do phone sex Or you'll get hearing aids
7 y/o daughter: Why don't they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape? And now I know what Einstein's parents felt like
50 cent What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she have him a sweater? Gee you knit
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
If your boss says "Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to be in at 8am?" don't correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.
A stitch in time... Would confuse Einstein
Time Lords make the worst lovers... It's always bigger on the inside
You know Reddit, yall like school in the summertime... No class.
I was going to make a documentary about my sex life but somebody else snatched up the rights to the title. TROLLHUNTER
[breakup talk] H: Gimme one last chance! M: How can I trust you again? H: She meant nothing to me! M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
Dear Monday: I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.
Anti-vaxxers make me SICK! Or they would, if my parents were imbeciles
"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen... " Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...
What's the biggest advantage to living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord me: I just want some nuggets man cfa employee: I Would Die For You
What do you call a gay chemist? Homogeneous.
the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a "Bazinga" shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
First joke I ever told. You know what a hypocrite is? A guy that hates cats, but loves pussy.
Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference "How to Deal with Stakeholders"
I told you ill be there in 5 minutes. Stop calling me every half an hour.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
War does not determine who is right  only who is left.
What did the gynaecologist say to the vagina that grabbed his sandwich? Don't, Snatch.
me *walks into house* wife: Where are the kids? me *turns around and goes back out*
BREAKING: 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.
You're not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
What is the name of your friend's advisor? Budweiser
What has been inside a live bitch and dead pig? Apparently Cameroon's dick.
I've been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote "never change" in my middle school year book.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito Him: you want me to come over? Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Hyperbole: Literally the worst thing ever.
RSVP: yes         no                      yes now but then no later on
A vampire walks into a bar and asks for for a cup of boiling water The bartender says to the vampire dont vampiers drink blood? the vampire pulls out a used tampon and say yes im making tea!
A missionary noticed a particularly happy cannibal Missionary: Joe, you look unusually cheery today. CannibalJoe: Today wife gave me head
What did the optimist say as he jumped off the building? So far, so good.
How many jews can you fit in a Volkswagen beetle? 4 in the seats and 47 in the ashtray.
Why is the mathematician mad? Because he's a calcul-hater.
Why couldn't the Pokemon tell a joke? Because he fainted.
Trying to find an anagram for mobile piss' is impossible.
Did you hear about the casting for the new Batman movie? People have really Ben Affleckted by it.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a door  bell? A hum dinger !
Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth.
I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice! Except Chris Brown
What do you call the Moon spirit that at once sits upon a lake of glowing jade and exists nestled within our divine souls? Altha'or syzygena
I'm filming a documentary on the serious subject of circumcision. It's called Robbin' Hood.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door who do you let in first?  - The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I have a MASSIVE heroine problem... I'm addicted to fat women who save my life.
How did the Vagina want her eggs cooked? Ovaries-y
Accordion to a recent study, switching the words of a sentence with a musical instrument often goes unnoticed. It's science.
What's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice
Police chase I was racing towards a cliff with police sirens ringing in my ears when I noticed my mirror was broken and I realized there was no looking back now
The world would be a much better place if people like Adolf Hitler were still born. EDIT: typo, 'stillborn'
Studies show that Alabama, Mississippi and Tennessee have an obesity rate of over 30%. Maybe they'll change their name from the Bible Belt to the Loosened Belt.
Top 3 invisible things: 1) 2) 3)
Why didn't Trump drown? Because shit floats.
Adding "family" to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Where do bee's go to the bathroom? At the BP station.
give us a pickup line related to your profession WITHOUT revealing your profession. we'll try to guess I might have posted in the wrong sub Reddit. let me know if we should move it!
What is black &amp; white, black &amp; white, black &amp; white, black &amp; white, black &amp; white, black &amp; blue? A nun falling down the stairs
Hey baby, you're just like my little toe... ...because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.
Life is like a box of chocolates... It can be a load of shit.
You've been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.
I got my first real 6-string Bought it at the 5 & dime Played it til my fingers bled Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
What did the scarecrow say when the farmer asked him in for dinner? "No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket... You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.
Project Manager Humor Why do Vampires make poor project managers? Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask?)
*plugs my phone in to charge when it's at 80%* *lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Why did hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.
"Doctor, doctor, there's a lettuce sticking out of my bum! Is it serious?" "I'm sorry to tell you, that's just the tip of the iceberg."
You wont find a whole lot about beastiality in the bible. But you will in my diary.
Why did the dog's friends send her home from the bar when she started to act strange? They thought she might have been slipped a woofie.
I'm trying to not be horny all the time but it's hard
Another blonde joke A professor told his class: "Fame will come to you only after you succeed!" A blonde asked, "Who is 'Seed'?"
I apologized to the librarian if I appeared desperate, after all... I asked her to check me out...
Whats black and eats pussy? Cervical cancer.
Son, here is a photo of a naked lady. Please identify the following parts: beanplug, malm, The Crow's Eye, underback, velveeta, DataZone
Obama: Get Air Force One ready. Biden: OK! *runs off* Obama: The plane, not the movie. *Biden does 360* Biden: Yeah I know.
Rape fantasy Guy: "Wanna do a rape fantasy?" Woman: "No!" Guy: "That's the spirit"
"A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir"
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up
She meant Trump My father and I were in a intense fight over the Presidential Run. My mom interupted, "Triumph would win since every man loves his brand".
My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.
A Trump Irony How is Trump going to keep immigrants out if he can't keep protesters from crashing his rally?
A tornado is a lot like having an affair. At first there is a lot of blowing, but in the end, you just lose your house.
i took my dog to the vet he never got dry again
Someone told me it was important to have relationships with positive people. Now I have AIDS
I also painted my computer black, hoping it would run faster. But the police choked it to death, and ruled it justified.
50 shades of grey Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet? Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover! Girl 1: And the index? Girl 2: Exhausted...
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn't realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I'm not saying my ex is crazy,but The only way to take her picture, is with a Bi-Polaroid
Fact: all boots were made for walking.
Why do lesbians have cats? They're into pussies.(;
By my calculations, I've spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
What do you call a bird with 3 wings and 3 legs? Triangull
"I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound" I thought fatly.
The Bible wouldn't sound so preachy if every commandment was followed by the word "dude."
Why can't you ever trust a cat? Because they are always lion
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone ? An independant !
*interrupts your heartfelt story* Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say "dying wish" again! Ok now say "coffee"!
I popped my dad's viagra now I'm hard as a motherfucker
After the man was named bishop by the church, what was his next move? Diagonal
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table? You have a shot with a pool table.
Women, you can't live with 'em... And you can't cut their heads off and gang-rape their corpses. Not alone at least. Get your buddies to help.
What do you call the study of Japanese sound? Yakuztics
Word of the day: exhaustipated. Too tired to give a shit.
Did you hear about the guy who taught a group of dung beetles to play baseball? Yup, and thats just the bug inning.
A man walks into an elevator and looks at the woman standing inside. He says, "Can I smell your feet?" She responds, "Ew no" "Must be your pussy then."
So a pope, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar... He asks for a drink. ^^^^Take ^^^^as ^^^^much ^^^^time ^^^^as ^^^^you ^^^^need ^^^^to ^^^^think ^^^^about ^^^^it...
there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.
What's the most problematic time of day? 4:04
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don't plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
What do you call two lesbians in a fist fight? A Muffle Ruffle.
What do gangsters put on their nachos? Glock-amole
I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company... We're not very good.
Why did ancient Egyptians love beans? They made Tootin' Common.
What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common? Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Forrest Gump came out 20 years ago. Can you believe that?! Of course you can because you're not an idiot who doesn't know how time works.
Tissues are for tearful issues and for when people think it's funny but it's snot.
So, I haven't seen the vice president in the news much recently I think that he may just be Biden his time
Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was "we really shouldn't be talking about this".
Honey, I'm pregnant.. Hi Pregnant, I'm dad.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date. Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Did you know cats can jump higher than houses? This is because houses don't.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
For some reason, the Disney movie "101 Dalmatians" was much more popular than it's sequel "Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity."
A man walks into the bedroom holding a sheep, And says, I just wanted to show you the pig I was fucking. His wife says that's not a pig, and he responds I know I was talking to the sheep.
My Pet Mouse Elvis Died Today He got caught in a trap.
Last name: Ever. First name: Greatest. Middle name: Hashbrowns.
I like my women like i like my cake mixes... ultra moist whites
I like my women like I like my doctors Always asking me to take my clothes off whenever I see them.
How do you find the PC user in the coffee shop? Follow the power cord.
What do I get when u heat up sour cream? Just cream, it's not sour. -told me to by a friend. AP
What goes hum-choo hum choo? A bee with a cold !
Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.
Ugh I completely forgot to do something with my life.
A mite is sitting on a fly. Fly: Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite? Mite: I mite be. Fly: Stupidest pun I ever heard. Mite: What do you expect? I just made it up on the fly.
What's the difference between a pineapple and the White House? A pineapples pricks are on the outside.
[police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*
What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood? The spaghetto.
If I won $900,000,000, I'd give a quarter of it to Charity... She's a talented dancer and says she needs money for school.
How many redditors commenting on a given post does it take to screw in a light bulb? Not possible. Their hands are too slippery with each other's ejaculate.
Dad: Why are your eyes red, son? Son: I smoke weed, dad.  Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot.
Asians are so good at math... ... they can do it with their eyes closed.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
My girlfriend thanked me for telling her a joke as she hadn't laughed since her mother died I think it was pretty disrespectful that she'd laughed when her mother died.
What do you call a gay rock. A fruity pebble.
*wife wonders where I am in the store* *hears glass shatter* *knows where I am*
What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? An Ethiopian
I've limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.
Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who's retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.
I wish there was a song you and your friends could sing right after you became champions
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job? ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend. I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.
I have a short joke for the ladies, on Thanksgiving My penis
Anyone wanna have a pun war? Just for phun.?
So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night. She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.
What did the Machop say to the guy who was giving him a hard time? You're really bustin' Machops!
What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre? Ping Lo.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her enough
Why do mules not work as hard as horses? Because they're half-assed!
If I owned my own strip club, I'd probably name it 'The Museum' 'Cause, you know, no touching. If 'The Museum' worked out, I might open another one and call it "Blue Balls." Pretty self explanatory.
I couldn't be trusted with a time machine. I'd get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.
It's been a rough morning. Picked up my coffee, handle came off. Put on a shirt, button came off. Grabbed my tool box, handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
What's the similarity between women and dogshit? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What do you call a Mexican Girl with no legs? *cunts*-*way*-*low*
What was the last thing that went through the fly's head when he hit the windshield? His ass.
Why couldn't JFK become a boxer? Because he couldn't take a shot to the head.
Why couldn't JFK become a boxer? Because he couldn't take a shot to the head!
What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer? Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)
i'm just like one of the ladies in the commercials! dancin around with nair on my pits! usin a tampon as a mic as i lipsync the cranberries!
Why do Russians have so many bear fighting stories? Because their liquor is strong and their women are hairy.
Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
Why dont Demons fear oxidation? Because there's no rust for the wicked
Because United 93 didn't hit it's target, Osama bin Laden wasn't perfectly happy about the terror attacks. So he rated it a 9/11.
"People should never again say that if they had a time machine, they'd go back & stop Hitler. Because we now know nobody would." - my kid
Its possible to live on a diet of only potatoes But, as the Irish found out, it wasn't possible to live on a diet without them.
What do you call an uncertain insect today? A May bee.
My brother and I know EVERYTHING between the two of us. Go ahead, ask something...
My dad used to beat me... At tic-tac-toe.
Fat people would be great ninjas. The all black uniform would be mistaken for a solar eclipse thus creating the ultimate ninja diversion.
What's the best thing about oral sex? The 5 minutes of peace and quiet!
"goodbye, cruel world" *hops into duck pond with bread strapped to my entire body*
Eggs What does an embryo say when it's serious? No yolk!
What does Debbie Reynolds sing in heaven? Good mourning, good mourning, good mourning!!!
Darling, what does pedophile mean? I'll tell you when you're older.
My doctor tells me I'm healthy enough for sexual activity...I'm just not attractive enough.
Whats the difference between jam and marmalade??NSFW You can't marmalade your cock up someone's ass
What is a horses favourite TV show?  Neeeebours
What did the patriarchy serve at their dinner party? Traditional gender rolls.
Cell references in excel are like gold diggers. If you want them to stay in the same place you have to throw some money at them.
I just did 50 crunches in an hour... the wrappers are everywhere.
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there? Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.
They don't treat the black people right. In our neighborhoods, they don't have banks -- they have check cashing.
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Damn!
If your PMSing wife hands you lemons, you damn well better make lemonade or else she'll stab you & squeeze lemon juice into the open wound.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?
I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do... I'm at Wal-mart.
What's the definition of Parity? Two parrots exactly the same!
Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving: **However**, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice
Which nation doesn't do what it's supposed to do until it's too late? Procrastination!
*wife walks in* *sees cheese balls everywhere* *shakes head* "what? 8 won't get better at catching food in his mouth if we don't practice"
Your opinion is like a headache Everyone's had one and no one gives a fuck
The most tedious aspect of my job is the part where I have to jiggle the mouse every 30 minutes to keep the screensaver from activating.
How does a racist laugh? He sniggers.
What do you call ghosts commiting bank robberies? The Polterheist
Q: What do you feed an invisible cat? A: Evaporated milk.
Just heard a little kid tell his dad he was a lion and his dad said "Wow!" What a fucking pair of idiots.
How did the scarecrow win the award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why is it that when your dog brings you things he's killed it's cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?
My husband's signature move in bed is to roll over and take eighty percent of the covers with him.
I'm not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be tit shaped.
We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.
What do you call a tree that protects Gotham City? Spruce Wayne
Lol , Toilet (potty) Humour, funny A : Have you heard of the movie "Constipation" ? B: No -- A: Obviously because it hasnt come out as yet .. LOL B: You are so fucking Stupid ..
In a restaurant: Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! In a restaurant: Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
How does every racist joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws and a comma is the pause at the end of a clause.
There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients. In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.
Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.
The longer a Facebook photo of someone's kid goes unliked, the stronger I become.
If I've offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn't think you could read.
What does a woman and KFC have in common? Well, you start with the breasts and the thighs, and you end up with a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: What happens if a pig parks illegally? A: It oink-urs a fine.
When Dracula went to the blood bank, he said: "Do you deliver?"
Albert Bandura can anyone tell me the joke about bandura with a chicken and the egg. something about realizing that the environment came first
Edison didn't fail at making a lightbulb, he found 10,000 ways that don't work. Number 7,511 will shock you!
You guys wanna hear a joke? Ellen Pao
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
What's a mole's favourite fruit? An Avagadro.
Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used? A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
Why did the man take a pencil to bed ? To draw the curtains !
yo here's a cool name: "Wolf Blitzer." Damn that's cool as hell. Let's give it to the lamest nerd imaginable.
What's green and hurts when it hits you in the eye? A snooker table
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide. At least we're in the top 10.
Quidditch. Scratching yourself with a pound coin.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say "I love you" and "I hate you" at the same time
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids. I don't have kids.
What did the gymnast and the grad student have in common? The both had an outstanding balance.
Note to younger women: Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks. Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goesintight
What bring a dead duck back to life? A dead bullfrog.
I love self depricating humor Its another thing that wont love me back
It's hard to juggle work and a baby... ...without the baby getting a few paper cuts. I haven't left my room today.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Why does the spanish dude keep walking left? Because izquierda going right.
The problem with protests... Is that once things start to get lit, the cops show up and ruin it.
Hilter was weird You would think a pig would like people who don't eat pork.
I'm not saying I'm a bad cook. But how long does pasta stay in the toaster?
Little Johnny When I was a boy, I prayed, and prayed, for a bike but never got one. Then I realized that God don't work that way. So I stole a bike, then asked for forgiveness.
[at a party] *taps wife's shoulder* I've looked everywhere...where are all the swings? (wife pulls away from kissing Bob) "What?"
What's the difference between an astronaut and a NASA intern? One's constantly preparing for lunch.
Interesting piece of history... In 1872, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
If X-Men and Legend of Korra had a crossover what kind of bender would Magneto be? A Fassbender
What did Jesse say to Woody when they were having a threesome with Buzz Lightyear? You've got a friend in me
How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before? He has claw marks on his forehead.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I've met more.
What do you call a construction company that only employs midgets? Clearly short handed.
I couldn't use my phone at the funeral home it was a dead zone.
The ISIS have recruited a new rapper... They're calling him the real Islam shady!
I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don't want our boogers mixing.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently not five, my basement is still dark. (taken from this page: https://www.facebook.com/ImammahdidailyIII?fref=ts)
Microsoft has developed a special version of the Halo 3 rendering engine which can run within LibreOffice Calc spreadsheets... It's called Halo3.**ods**t
When a guy texts a girl "hey stranger", what he really means is "I've recently thought about trying to get in your pants again."
Obama will go down in history as America's first gold president.
What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets? The kind of soldier that's always shooting his mouth off.
Shepherd's wife: You always seem so happy dear. Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I was so thankful.... I couldn't thank my friend enough for getting me into fight club. "Don't mention it!", he said.
Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book Sargent: You arrested her? C: No S: Why? C: She's not done with the book
Why is B so cool? Because it is next to the AC
How do you tell if someone has an std? Oh shit wrong sub-reddit.
No, I don't need a bag; I'm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
What are the coldest triangles? Ice-sosceles
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn't break.
Don't call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
COP: [flashes his light into my car] ME: *struggles to roll down window* "Sorry this isn't my car."
I've been waiting for this moment ever since I got up... goodnight!
What did the old billy bobs eat at McDonald's? McChicken-killer... Yeah I'm really stoned smoked a chicken killer and ate McDonald's
Dark Humor is like food... Not everybody gets it.
[Crate and Barrel job interview] "So why do you want to work here?" DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design
Aaron Hernandez found guilty of first-degree murder He has been sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Not sure how much longer he's going to remain a "tight end"
What did the zero say to the eight? "Nice belt, fuck face."
What's the best part about dating 26 year olds? There's twenty of them.
What is the most confusing day in Harlem? Fathers Day!
What do Bill Cosby and Santa have in common? They don't come until you're asleep
why did the lion win the race? because he mufasa.
What is it called when two birds kiss? A Peck.
Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.
How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
What is a Cambodian's favorite meal? Pol Pot.
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
'I just call it like I see it...' -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I pet my dog and he didn't wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I'll dress like a cat.
What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
It's pretty easy to get pussy with a puppy You just replace the S's with P's
fired for "unleashing rats at work" which is bull shit first off because they don't make leashes for rats
Wanna hear a joke? The WNBA.
It is 2022. Everyone has bought a pair of beats by dre. Doctor dre chuckles, his mind control device is ready
Fucked a girl with one leg once... Should've used my dick .
In the future, people won't ask for a cup of sugar... Instead, they'll ask for a gigabyte of sug.rar
One Last Humiliation: The CIA Just Bungled An Attempt To Drop A Piano On Fidel Castro's Funeral Procession Luckily, It only cost them a grand.
DINOSAUR PARTY TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!! *hands phone to T-Rex T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The real fight of the century was between, Jamie Foxx and the national anthem
Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.
Have you heard about the gay boogeyman? He'll hide anywhere *except* your closet.
What do you call an underwater ride sharing service? Scuber!
I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.
Mom, what's a Kardashian? It's what a midget can't see over when in the driver's seat. Just kidding, dear. It means whore.
Pour motor oil over a stack of CDs. Ta-da! Robot pancakes.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it's because I look authoritative not because I look like I'm wearing a mask.
What's the difference between an introverted scientist and an extroverted scientist? An extroverted scientist will stare at YOUR feet.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again
Which Greek god was annoyed by his invitation to the Goddess Dyslexia's party? Ares.
I have a huge fear of elevators... I've started taking steps to avoid it.
Guys. GUYS! Every issue of National Geographic is now on DVD-ROM. FINALLY! God I've missed masturbating to sweet aborigine pancake titties!
What are bananas high in? Trees!
What's a Russian's favorite Italian dish? Pepperoni Picza!
Snuck a peak at my therapist's notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I just shortened my to-do list by 90% simply by crossing off everything that would cause me to make the evening news.
What do you call a joke with no punchline?
Did you hear about the furry who got detained at the border? The guards thought he was a drug mule.
What's the disease that slowly turns your skin black? Rap Music
"I OBJECT!!!" The defendant screams in court. The judge gives him a very emotional hug and says "no... you human".
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Poison the fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.
How do you prevent alcoholism? Shots.
Women are like roaches Very hard to approach, but make a satisfying crunch when you smash them. Wait what
Submit a joke. how do i submit Donald Trump?
A trailer in a movie theater ended with "November 20th" and a guy loudly said, "thats my birthday" and a random guy said "happy birthday"
What do you call an artist who has no money baroque..... (I'll just see myself out)
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Watching The Bible. Didn't realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.
What do floppy disks and Jesus have in common? They both had to die to become the icon of saving.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
You only live once? False, you live everyday. You only die once.
My wife just found a pretzel in her hair and then she ate it and I didn't know I could love her more.
What does its job only after its been fired? A bullet.
What is an astronaut's favorite power tool? An orbital sander
Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they can't elope!
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
What did the gamer say to the fleeing prisoner? Run! escape!
I snort bits of pork when I'm hungry. I call them hamboogers.
Why didn't the waffle go to the pancake party? He was a square.
The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
What exactly had the "NOW That's What I Call Music!" guy been listening to before? Sound FX CDs? Whale noises?
My doctor says my emoji use is keeping me young.
I always feel bad for cantaloupes ... They just want to get hitched
Sorry! i'm not desperate because i'm single. I'm single, because i'm not desperate.
Poor Caitlyn Jenner. She missed Mothers Day &amp; Fathers Day.
Blood's thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I watched a programmer do stand-up comedy. I've gotta say, I loved his bits.
What does a child without arms get for x-mas? gloves! nah don't know, it hasn't opened the present yet
noooo lost a drinking game guess i have to drink this alcohol i paid for with full intention of consuming
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to  teach her a lesson.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol? Invite two of them.
Why did the feminist fail in programming? She hated objectification.
Juror:We find the defendant- *pizza guy bursts in* "Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty" Defendant: Im Not Guilty Judge:NOT GUILTY *bangs gavel*
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.
I'm keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads "IMTEXAN" than I do behind cars with "Baby on board" signs.
Bosses get a lot less demanding when you bring a sword to work
I was going to make a terrific joke about a bank... ..but then I lost interest.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I'm just patting him down to make sure he's not wearing a wire.
[on a first date] "Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year."
Why did Sally fall down the hill? I pushed her.
I like my coffee like I like my women. Hot, black, bitter, and pregnant.
Do You Know Why The Scarecrow Won The Nobel Prize? Because he was outstanding in his field!!
Who is busier than a one-toothed man in a corn eating contest? A one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.
I was once an avid smoker of weed... I did weed everywhere I did it in rain I did it in snow But I did not, in hail.
If she doesn't scream "YES!" in bed... I don't know. Maybe start asking her different questions?
Why did the train sound effect album get derailed? The tracks were unfinished.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a bassist? Santa Claus has gifts
"why aren't you in school?" "i'm too cool for school, officer." *checks cop computer* "checks out, youre free to go." kid is undercover nerd
The word "fireplace" really reveals the creativity of our ancestors.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death "Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"
How does Lil Wayne get inspiration for his new music? He listens to his old music.
What's the favorite dairy product of Wall Street executives? 1% milk
What did the mountain climber name his horse? Everest. Any time he is bored I see him Mount Everest.
Q: What has fifty legs but still can't walk? A: Half a centipede.
Case of the Pregnant Lady joke
I've just got my own valet and found people treat you completely differently. He's opened a lot of doors for me.
My 5 stages of grief: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Are you gonna eat that?
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common? They both hang out at the Space Bar.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and stainless steel testicles? Sparky.
Atheism... ... is a non-prophet organization.
Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can't find them so they cry
What's the difference between the English rugby team and a teabag? A teabag stays in the cup longer! (im so sorry ;-;)
If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.
Donald Trump trying to make America read again He is trying to restore Borders.
I have a nice body. It's in my trunk.
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaiiinnss.
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day. And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road.
Ran my first 10k this morning. ...I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.
when the news anchor says "if you know anything about the crime please contact police" dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My friend's parents recently got a dog called "Bradford" Because he's mostly brown and black, with a little patch of white.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she's on her period remember not to say things like "that explains it."
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer I saw it through my telescope last night.
As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.
What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly ? Try sewing buttons on a mosquito !
I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it
So embarrassing -- I was scrolling thru an ex's old photos and accidentally liked one & then called her & told her I still love her & cried
Canada in view of recent events will be  changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.  That way the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.
Las Vegas Floor Show What is the difference between a circus side show and a Las Vegas floor show? One has a cunning array of stunts the other has a stunning array of cunts.
Do we even know if ducks can fart? We should put a guy on that.
What happens when a cow jumps over barbed wire? Udder destruction!
What do you call it when you hire your relatives to play with your nipples? Nippletism
One day I mixed my girlfriend up with flour and butter then I stirred in some milk and sugar. She's scone now...
Nurse: "It says here you're lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?" Me: "No. I just really, really can't stand polos with crocodiles on them."
What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!
Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean... on tables, chairs & random ugly people...or sometimes floors
I'm Torn on the Issue of Abortion.... On one hand, I support it because it is killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice. Credit goes where credit's due, /u/DJ-Salinger
And Jesus said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
One wind turbine says to another "what music do you like?" "well I'm a big metal fan"
I am schizophrenic, AUA
What's a wavelength's favorite animal? A lamb, duh!
[Gets on one knee] Margaret- [Pulls out ring] Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won't stop following me.
I hate looking in the mirror. Whenever I do, there is always some asshole blocking my way.
Serial Killer... The police have caught a serial killer with a really bad stammer. They said it'll be a while before he finishes his sentence.
What do 9 volt batteries and butt holes have in common? You know you shouldn't, but one day you're probably going to try licking one.
Why Marriage is Difficult Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
What do you call a tall buffalo? Buffahigh
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I'm at my sexiest when I'm at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.
Why are peppers irritating? Because they're jalapeno business!
PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I'll kill him ELENA: He's not! PUTIN: (softly) u...s... [bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles!
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house!
Is your phone in your back pocket? Because that ass is calling me!
Knock knock Who's there? Little old lady Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
It's like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren't allowed to sit together.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a nympho? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it
bathroom is like the church's confession box..everyone is so full of shit when they enter..
"Hmm, throw a 'b' in there just to fuck with people." - the asshole that created the word "doubt."
If the sign says "don't feed the fishes" then what can you feed fishes anyway? Nothing. Weren't you listening?
The price of a balloon has really gone up recently I think it's because of inflation
ELEVATOR SHOES Q: What's yellow and goes up and down? A: A banana in an elevator.
Knock knock. Who's there? A puerile, often racist subreddit run on dad jokes.
Q: Name the country where the entire population is pissed. A: urination
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.
Did you gu[FLASH AD]ys read that ar[ROLLOVER FLASH AD]ticle on Wi[FLASHING FLASH AD]red on how the iPad really need[MOVING FLASH AD]s Flash?
What do you call a dog in a sub? A subwoofer! Now again: What do you call a dog in a sub? Chinese food!
Sorry I tweeted before texting you back. Sorry I opened your Snapchat but didn't respond. Sorry these are things we actually worry about now
Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture? No! Did he hurt the cows?  No he just grazed them!
These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
If I had 3 wishes I'd spend them on my daughter. Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a box of dead babies ? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
I hate it when a bar of soap gets visibly dirty. I want to clean it, but down that road lies madness.
What do you call a Frenchman in Colorado? A French Fried
If you are here - who is running hell?
What do you call an angry gay guy? Oxymoron. - I will see myself out
I found my stolen briefcase pretty quickly... You could say it was a brief case.
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?  They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
How does the Moon get its haircut? Eclipse it!
There are two Jehovah's Witnesses outside... They're applauding my house for some reason.
Q: What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? A: Any dog. A building can't jump.
My cat passed. RIP Fluffy McMittens 2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016
Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes
Knock Knock Who's there ! Belinda ! Belinda who ? Belinda church steeple !
I just left my job. I could not work for my boss after the words he said to me. "You're fired."
The best revenge is to show them that your life is getting better after they're gone
What kind of wine does Bruce Lee pair with a fish dinner? None, he just has some WATAH!
How does the stork bring babies? It pokes holes in condoms.
Why did Trump call for a ban on all llamas entering the US? because he isllamaphobic
What do you call two crows on a park bench? Attempted murder.
I asked my wife to bring me a Kinder Surprise when she went to the supermarket... She delivered.
Where does the cynic go to pray The Cynicgogue
Finn is not your average stormtrooper... ...because he doesn't know about either killing or white suits. But he does know how to install a toilet main.
What's worse than finding your dad murdered? The cop at the crime scene saying "I'm so sorry son"
Do you know how many 3rd party sects the catholic church is protecting? None, catholics aren't allowed to have protected sects.
If you are American in living room, what are you in the bathroom? European.
Co-worker: Face up or face down? Me: Um. What? Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down? Me: I'm not mature enough to answer that.
What's the difference between sod and a fat chick? Nothing, sooner or later they will both be laid by a Mexican
What happens when Nigel Farage makes a promise? He brexit.
A racist, a sexist and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Hey Bill, drinking alone tonight?"
Yo mama is so ugly, she went to an ugly competition They said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like "chemotherapy, dude" & I was like, "whatever, racist" cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My friend says he has the biggest brain in the world. I think it's all in his head.
hey, i'm joking; my sister was never a cutter... you know how hard it is to be a cutter with your hands full of football team?
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat The bartender says "Put that back you thief!"
Why do we cry..... When it's the onions that are being hurt?
The Civil War wasn't about slavery . . . . . . it was about ethics in journalism.
How do you keep your hair from blowing everywhere when you drive in a convertible? Cross your legs
Sometimes, when I am pumping gas, I'll wink at the person at the next pump and say, "This smells terrific."
I saw a bunch of youths hitting an old lady. I stopped my car, wound down my window and yelled, "Excuse me, that's my mother-in-law." "And what?" they replied. "And she's still moving."
What's BROWN and making California a miserable place to live? California Governor Jerry BROWN you racist asshole!
What's the difference between Trump and a stripper? Strippers climb polls.
What is green and smells like paint?!? Green paint.
Studies shows that most people don't know the opposites to these words: Always Coming From Take Me Down
What did the Mexican shopkeeper say to the thief? That's Nachos.
soda commercials take place in a parallel universe where everyone on earth is straight edge
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version -Give me the ring. -No.
Hey guys, I invented a new word! Plagiarism
Me: "I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he's the only one with glasses?" Librarian: "Just pay your fine, Ma'am."
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
What's the difference between a gambler and a Kasich supporter? A gambler might lose.
"DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?" I step forward boldly. "I know OF it."
NSFW How do you know your best friend is gay? His dick tastes like shit!
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Whats the difference between a Jewish and a Black person? About $100,000
Some people don't like vegetable puns... but I don't carrot all about their opinions.
If you give a mouse a cookie.. If you give a mouse a cookie.. Why are you giving a mouse any food? That's unsanitary.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
Sex positions for tiny dicks Fuck, this isn't google. **How do I get this off of here?**
I'll have a foot long Italian with turkey and cheddar cheese. Whoops, wrong sub
Fat jokes aside, let's not forget fat people have feelings too Hunger
I finally lost my virginity Congrats, bro, sit down and tell me about it. Can't sit yet.
What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom? Angus McCoatup
New Stephen King book! I hear that Stephen King is writing a new book dealing with the horrors of cat ownership. It's called Pffffffffft!
What sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child's IQ was below average? SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING
How did the hipster burn himself? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
if I ever go missing, it won't be hiking. you guys don't even have to look there.
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
I would make an economics joke But there's no demand
What's a pirates favorite material? ~~Arrrgyle~~*YARRRN!*^Thanks ^Bravesurf
Why couldn't the artist get a driver's license? He gave off a good Impression, but couldn't make a Van Gogh.
James Bond went to get a haircut. The barber asked him if he wanted to dye his hair as well. Bond replied "Dye another day."
A girl posted on FB: "Sum 1 Cum 2 ma house nd sav me frm boredom" A guy replied: "sending an English teacher immediately"
I'm thinking about buying a greyhound, don't know what the wife is going to say so I'll run it by her first.
Opinions are like assholes.. Everybody's got one; Most of them aren't that pretty; and No one needs another one.
Yo mama is so fat... Yo mama is so fat she stubbed her camel toe!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question...... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it's like they had those babies for nothing.
Whats better then a gold medal in the special Olympics? Not being retarded.
I started a diet two weeks ago So far I've lost 14 days
Only one person cried when Chuck Norris was born and that was the doctor.... no one slaps Chuck Norris
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My grandpa always said... They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.
At first i was feeling a little grumpy, Then I was feeling happy, then a little sleepy and finally a little bashful. I am no longer welcome at my daughters school play of Snow white and the 7 dwarfs
Last week I tried to give up swearing... ...but said "fuck it" instead.
How Many Hipsters Does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb? A: You probably wouldn't know, it's some really obscure number...
What's your least favorite race? I personally can't stand 5K's
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with nothing but saran wrap on. Psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts"
I just learned that 10 out of every 2 people suffers from Dyslexia wow... sorry, I mean wow
What did the football say to the football player? I get a kick out of you.
Being bald It means you went back to your roots.
It's uncool to be religious. It's uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyonce. It's the only way to be safe.
What do you call a cat crossed with a canary? a cosh(x/a)
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resume list "psychics abilities" under skills? No. Next question.
How long does it take for a black woman to take the trash out? 9 months
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Ceasars *drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*
Chef's favorite personal dish? Stroganoff
What is the speciality of Alan Turing? He was homogeneous
Why couldn't Beethoven find his music teacher? He was Haydn
If apples come from apple seeds and tomatoes come from tomato seeds, how come nothing is sprouting from the bird seeds I planted?
What do mice eat during the summer? Micecream
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid's face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Anne Hathaway always looks like she's unwrapping a gift but she already knows what it is
You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.
She has the body of a goddess and the face to defend it.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]
What do you call a whiny dog? A chi-WAAA-WAAA!!!!
Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, "10, 9, 8..."
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it. *hangs up* Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
What is the difference between a Mexican and a book? A book has papers.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What do you get when you cross a bungee cord with an owl?? My ass.
Squirrel sex What did the squirrel say after fucking an acorn? Best nut of my life
How do you stop water from running? Don't pay the water bill.
Trampolines used to be called jumpolines Until your mother jumped on one back in 87
Did you hear about the dancing girl? She danced on one leg and then the other, but she made her living between the two of them.
Osama Bin Laden had a stand up comedy special last night it bombed
Why would you wrap a hamster in duct tape? So it doesn't explode when you're fucking it.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Another Dad Joke Dad: Guess who I saw today? Kid: Who? Dad: Everyone I looked at!
He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up.
Tell a sad story in 4 words Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan
Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn't make me clean.
driverless cars???? I don't trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me .... by itself
It seems I passed my mummy embalming exam... It was a no brainer!
My father with 50 years makes 50 KM every day I say "Tomorrow I will go running"
*Me & dog* *duel for the last piece of chicken* *tosses a stick to distract* *fetches the stick* *chicken is gone* Well played Peanut...!!
*opens drawer* huh, I don't remember this shirt being pink. OMG...did he...did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer* -Law & Order sound
So a pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender asks him why he has the wheel on him, and the pirate replies "YARR! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!"
If you're Canadian before you enter the bathroom, and American when you leave, what are you inside? European!
How many toddlers does it take to change a light bulb Apparently more than 20 seeing how my basement is still dark
How many Jon Snows does it take to change a light bulb? It wouldn't matter. Jon Snow knows nothing.
I'm looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga
Why was Jimmy so excited to go to Clown College? He got a fool scholarship.
bleakest Russian joke i know "children! Your father hanged himself for some peace and quiet, not so you could have a swing-set!"
Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.
A bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what about the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them."
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Girl Dance Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Why does the lead singer of Sublime hate tennis? Cause love is what I got
"You'll have more fun in high school, Zach."nn"You'll have more fun in college, Zach."nn"You'll have more fun in Hell, Zach."
What do Donald Trump and the milk in my fridge have in common? It better get thrown out by November 8 or else I'm going to get violently sick.
Why do Americans hate sunlight? Because it's yellow and settles on their land too. And it melts snow.
The Eddie Izzard Diabetic Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-CAKRDTH
trump is shitting furiously into a golden toilet right this moment
Why is it so hard to find good posts on NSFW subreddits? Because every post is a sticky post.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
Are you in the top half of your class ? No I'm one of the students who make the top half possible !
My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'.
What did the potato ask the cow? Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.
What did the black holes say when they collided? Nothing, they just waved. (Sorry)
wife: I saw in my dream that you were buying a diamond ring for me Husband: I saw your dad paying the bill... :D
What do a hockey player and a hippie chick have in common? They both shower after 3 periods.
I'm sure everything will be fine. I'm sure of lots of things that are wrong. I'm highly fallible.
What's the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Yo mama's so fat... Instead of a cartwheel she does a ferriswheel.
How does a nun lose her virginity? Dresses up as an altar boy
While building a house in Kansas, Chuck Norris was dared to dig a hole as deep as he could. Chuck Norris dug so deep that the next day there were Squirrels with slanted eyes on his front lawn.
pool party at my house, bring ur own pool
How can you find the blind guy at a nudist colony? It's not hard
I recently watched the news medias report on the presidential coverage. That's the joke.
What do you call a barnyard uprising? A chicken coup! ;)
You're more useless than a...
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the "FRESH EGGS" sign in my yard to brag
How is digging fence post holes like being the mayor of Toronto? It goes pretty smoothly until you start hitting the rock.
What did the duck say to the chicken who was about to cross the road? quack
Why do Asian girls have small boobs? Because only A's are acceptable.
What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car? A windshield viper.
Now I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she's diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then
What's the Middle East's favorite candy? YemenHeads
Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.
Don't be offended if I speak to you condescendingly. Be happy that I care enough to be sure your simple mind understands what I'm saying.
It's bad enough hearing people judge others based on their appearance... but when ugly people do it, I feel horrible.
I'm sorry I threw up all over your carpet when you referred to your spouse as your "lover".
Trump is banning the importing of shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again.
Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday? To watch Dablooney Toons!
What do my toaster and I have in common? We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.
My friend told me this one. 18+ inside, nsfw. 19
What can bring The Beatles back together? Two more bullets.
When your date asks about your hobbies, DON'T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, "Collecting knives with strangers' prints on them."
What do you call someone who slaps their siblings daughter? A niece slapper.
Why don't kids like cheesy jokes? ... they're too mature for their taste
My local electronics retailer is having a fire sale. The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 is the hottest item.
My family and I are going camping for Memorial Weekend. I asked my mother if I could bring my trombone so I can practice, but she said no, because we might get ***banned.***
Don't you just hate it when ... You can't understand what your girl is trying to say? Take a step back and what's she's trying to say will become a lot clearer
What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
All these video games with epic orchestral music scores. Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
The Soviet Union won't ever rise again? What a bunch of Bolshevik.
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they have machines for that these days
Did you see that blind guy walking down the street? No? Well he didn't see you either.
All girls love surprises. I didn't know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can't understand women.
This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. Demetri Martin
Trump isn't bad for the economy. Because of him, Correct the Record increased it's operational budget by 600%.
"The trash compactor is full so just dump that in a pan for now." - Inventor of the fruit cake.
What do the iPhone 5 and Viagra have in common? They're both $700 for an extra inch!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I used to always ask my mom for things & she'd say "what's the magic word" and I'd say "abracadabra" and she'd say "you're why dad left."
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers
Virgin Airlines should just be itself. It'll happen eventually.
What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater? That was the most violent book I've ever read..........
If everything is going your way You're in the wrong lane
Q: Why did the boy throw his clock out the window? A: He wanted to see time fly.
What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane A pilot
Kudos to Mattel for making Barbie reflect the average woman! I'm buying the one with massive student loan debt & a fear of cement trucks.
Marvel announce the new Thor is female, to show that women are equal. Issue 1 sees Thor return the hammer back to her husband's toolbox.
I want a sex change. From "none" to "some".
My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.
WAT DO WE WAMT "woaw calm dowm dude" WHEN DO WE WAMT IT "u kno this is just a line to try ham sampels at costco right"
Bad Gun! Bad Gun!....Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!.......And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!
Whats 2 + 2 ? A math problem.
Taking to people about your child abuse experience is the toughest part. The last time i did it, i had to spend 7 years in jail.
Why do writers hate the bible? It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.
2 drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Badum tsss.
If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he'd have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i'm gonna see why it aint working
ok boss, i duck taped the hostage's mouth shut "you mean duct taped, right?" um... *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*
Have you heard of Eats Unwanted Leftovers Man? He's the hero this city feeds
Why does China have such a large population??? Because their condoms were Made in China.
My in-laws are visiting... This is their homicide note.
*logs on* jesus christ *logs off*
If you managed to figure out the code to someone else's luggage... Could you say you solved the case?
My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.
I got banned from the sperm bank the other day... They said I couldn't come within five hundred feet of the building.
Why did the emo chicken go across the road? He was afraid to go down the tracks.
A few jokes my friend told me... What do you call a bitten apple? -An Iphone. What is bigger than an Iphone? -A brick. What is smaller than an Ipad? -An Ipad Mini.
What is 1000 laughs called? A gigglehert
Yoda is telling a joke to the Jedi Council... "Why was six afraid of seven?" he asks. Everyone remains silent, and he says: "Because nine seven eight!"
I'm impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Life is complex... it has both real and imaginary components.
Bread goes in, toast comes out. EXPLAIN THAT, ATHEISTS!
If you are at school, and the urge to take drugs hits you... Speak to the supply teacher..
What do you call a fight between a child molester and an illegal immigrant? Alien versus Predator.
Start the day with a big bowl of why the fuck am I awake.
What do the elderly eat? Dementos
What's a bee-line ? The shortest distance between two buzz-stops !
"Hi, I'm a male feminist and just shut up for a second while I explain to you why that's so important"
What's the worst thing you can hear while giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? I'm not Willie Nelson...
A customer was due change of 22 cents so the cashier threw it at him.
My friend just bought a black chicken I bet it's a big cock.
Every Winter, one bear chooses not to hibernate. Instead, he stocks up on Sharpies and turns all of the brown bears into black bears.
I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.
Whats the difference between racism and Asians ? Racism has many faces.
They say that it requires fewer muscles to smile than to frown... How many muscles are needed to not give a fuck?
You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.
A farmer puts his sick pig into a cold saltwater bath. Needless to say, the pig was cured.
Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and shit.
Q: What kind of court order would be placed on a pig in order to prevent it from taking a specific course of action? A: An inj-oink-tion.
What was the smoking bee full of? Nicosting!
What did the ghost say to the bees? Boo Bees
All of these people are screaming like they've never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
A man and woman are riding up in an elevator. The man looks at the woman and says "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies "Hell no!" The man says "Well it must be your feet then."
If a lesbian couple walks into a bar and the black bartender refuses to serve them, whose fault is it? A white male. Duh.
Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over - wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole...struggling... Okay, dont watch.
Her:"What do you do?" Me:"I teach astronomy." Her:"OMG!! I'm a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?" Me:"Yes, you'll go home alone tonight."
Why didn't the witch wear panties.... So she could grip the broom better.
Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Surely not sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much  about.
What's a fat kids favourite instrument? The dinner bell
Two men walk into a bar. First one says "I'll have an H20." Second man says, "You know what? I'll have an H20 too." The second man dies.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting  their children play "Cowboys and Indians." Democrats don't either as long as the Indians win.
Apparently Facebook has been flying drones around in third world countries They are trying to kill everyone who isn't on facebook
Doctor Doctor I've broke my arm in two places Well don't go back there again then!
Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas.
What's the difference between cancer and black men Cancer got Jobs.
Being a Zombie doesn't sound that bad. You don't have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Sorry I moaned seductively while eating a Gogurt at your bible study group.
Hey girl are you the great American West? Because you're flat and fertile
Why did Beethoven hate Mozart? Because Mozart stabbed him in the Bach.
Adam and eve just finished having sex for the first time god looks down and sees eve washing up and says " I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish"
What is a British woman on her period? A bloody cunt.
What animal brings the most boys to the yard? The [milk snake](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milk_snake)
A grasshopper walks into an ice cream parlor The clerk says "Hey Grasshopper, we have an ice cream flavor named after you!" The Grasshopper says "What? You have a flavor named Kenneth?"
Why I hate 9/11..... I hate 9/11 because my cousins died doing their favorite thing... Flying Planes.
How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!
Steve Irwin died as he lived... With nature in his heart
What is H20 Made out of? 20 hydrogen atoms.
19th Ammendment
Congratulations, Americans who write "Cheers" at the end of e-mails. You've found something even more pretentious than "Sent from my iPhone"
I'm okay with selling fake ID's to minors because they're all organ donor cards.
What's the difference... between racism and Chinese people? - Racism has many faces
At least he won't annoy his co-workers every week. What did the mother and father camel name their baby born without a hump? Humphrey!
My girlfriend wasn't sure about trying anal at first But she quite liked it in the end
How many jews can you fit in a VW? Four - two in the front, two in the back, and none in the ashtray because the Holocaust never happened
"Well, I guess I'll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I'm not supposed to while you get irritated." Drunks & toddlers.
I was going to make a joke about the midwest... ...but it was too corny
You got some jokes? What are some good jokes you know? I would prefer ones that aren't too raunchy.
What's the difference between terrorists and tourists? Terrorists have sympathizers.
I like women the way I like my wine... Locked up in the cellar.
Did you know that most statistics are made up? Around 93,7%
You must never begin a sentence "I is ...". ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...". Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".
What's the most efficient fuel to use when chasing cars? Snow Petrol!
What does a German use to polish his trumpet? Toot tonic
My wife cheated on me after I told her about my watchmaker buddy... I guess I should get a big clock, too.
What does a nerd and a bad baseball player have in common? They both can't get to first base!
You know what's wild, a person can die from complications from Alzheimer's. Even Wilder, it's always in the Genes.
What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi? Stew. Bonus: what do you do if an epileptic jumps into a jacuzzi? You throw in your laundry.
"The snack that smiles back..." "Babies!"
Why are marines who can't swim better? They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm.
I can never write a joke without being criticized about the punchline So fuck you guys
I like to spend my Sunday night wishing it wasn't Sunday night.
TIL that although Sting has been missing for a week... The Police still have no lead
Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How's your night going?
Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can't fire you if they can't find you.
I think I'm going to adopt a kid.. Recycling is important, after all.
Whats the diff between EROTIC and KINKY? EROTIC is when you use a feather. KINKY is when you use the whole chicken.
What happens when you keep feeding a cow money? You get rich milk.
How did Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalogue. ba dum tss
An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"
I just dozed off for a minute and woke up freaking out because I thought I missed my exit.
Nobody believes that my first grade teacher was named Furious Crapjacket.
I invented the upside down house. It's now a top cellar.
The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.
A man, his sister and his wife walk into the voting booth to vote for Donald Trump. They've both given it a lot of thought.
Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns? To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.
What do you call an elderly nun riding a scooter? Virgin Mobile.
What's the Difference Between Trump and Garbage Garbage can be thrown out
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
This joke is a bit like sex ...hardly anyone here gets it.
so my brother noticed that his church uses girls as "altar boys" i had to tell him that not all priests are gay.
"This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash" What do you mean? "It's all denty"
What is the difference between a fridge and a pussy? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
"Pete's coming for dinner tonight." "Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?" [Massive thud] "I'll just check."
Hahaha you're killing me. ~Me to this cigarette.
I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone... Now it's Hans free...
Where did Saddam Hussein keep all of his CDs? In Iraq.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? He doesn't, he's dead!
It's bikini season, so you're allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a drink and a mop.
This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60 My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other's backs.
Facebook needs an "I've already seen this on Twitter" button.
What's the difference between a magician's wand and a nightstick? One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for stunning cunts.
I took my kids to the zoo to see exotic cats, but we couldn't find the ocelots I think we just got ocelost.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and scream.
The police and a hole. There is a sinkhole in the street and the police are looking into it. Oh yeah, Jerry fell in from looking to closely.
At this point I'm a little offended the lady at #Chipotle still asks what I want. This is my 4th burrito today. Bitch, I know you know me.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing "Wonderwall". I said Maybe!!
Whats the worse part of being a pedophile? Trying to fit in.
It's always fun running into an old friend you haven't seen in a while. But then you usually wind up regretting hitting them with a car.
Eventually we're just gonna have to accept "ducking" as a swear word
They say you've got to spend money to make money. Feel like there's some middle step I've been missing?
Did you hear about the farmer who did geometry? He was pro - tractor
"So, you speak German?" "NEIN!"
There was a four-car reck in Mexico today... 93 people died
Religion is like a penis It's OK to be proud of yours, just don't try to shove it down your children's throat.
Fifty Shades of Grey. In anticipation for the release of Fifty Shades of Grey, many theaters have installed more powerful ventilation systems to compensate for the smell.
TDIL: Why Arizona gets so hot. Because they don't observe daylight saving time the heat of the day is compressed into fewer hours.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so- *me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Me: I can't work today. Boss: Why? M: My grandma died. B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago. M: ... -Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Why didn't the white officer shoot the black guy? Just kidding he did
I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair "ginjas".
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon] astronaut: "we should've taken our own" astronaut holding net: "just keep looking"
The truth about Unicorn Q: Why do unicorns only let virgin women get close to them? A: Because they are horny.
My girlfriend wrote 'Will you marry me?' on a piece of paper and hid it in my sandwich. Unfortunately I didn't see it and ate the lot. Not to worry though, I pooped the question this morning.
Why didn't Stalin look both ways before he crossed the road? He was rushin'
So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke". She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!
GOD: Done. ANGEL: What is it? GOD: A penguin. ANGEL: So it can fly, right? GOD: This one's a swimmin' bird. ANGEL: Dude... are you ok?
What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard.
"To prove how much I love you I'm going to eat this entire pizza." That's not what I - "Please stop. Let me do this."
Anytime Tim Tebow contemplates... ...it's a Christian Ponder. joke courtesy Michael Starrbury
I love this time of year, when the temperature changes from believing in global warming to not believing in global warming.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I'm a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Why was Hitler doomed to fail? because jew wrongs don't make a riech
Why shouldn't you drink Pepsi or Coke before you turn 18 ? Because they are A-Rated . . . . . . (Aerated) for the dumbasses
Me: Be back after lunch! Boss: OK Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL* *goes home, turns on baseball*
Where do ants go for their holidays ? Frants !
is it me or do old people always end their texts with extra periods? "good seeing u today. missed u....."
My favorite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger.
Keep saying yellow and soon enough It'll sound like you're saying gullible.
"It's clear" said the teacher "That you  haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well my dad  says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it  settles down!"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Two potatoes are standing on the street corner, which one is the prostitute? The one that says Idaho
What do you call a dog with no legs? It really won't matter. He isn't coming anyway.
What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls...because it's under a buck.
What did God say when he saw the first black person? Ooops, I burnt one!
[Pun] Why did Henry invent the assembly line? He couldn't a-Ford not to. *bad-dum tish*
I bought Nickelback's greatest hits And it was just a blank CD.
This is incredible. My iPhone's battery has made it 3 hours without needing to be charg
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff date: Are u reading off notecards M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I'm not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I'll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: This "Fear the Walking Dead" show is really creepy. Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home
Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge?  Ghouldilocks.
-What are you drinking, son? -Soy milk. -Hola milk, soy tu padre. Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone
My father would always tell me, "Son, someday you will go far..." "and I hope to God that you stay there."
Where do terrorists go to get a bite to eat? the Allahu snack-bar.
Just got put on a watchlist by the NSA for using the man-with-a-turban emoji.
I thought of having a threesome But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
Can I have your picture, So Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me on this CHRISTMAS.
Build a man a fire... Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.
I don't get the term "Pansexual" I mean, I like bread as much as the next guy, but c'mon!
Boss - can you pass a piss test? Me - Sure...distance or accuracy?
Did you hear they invented a new logical fallacy, the "ad homonym" attack? ... It's not what it sounds like.
Nothing like the dreaded "Mom I missed the bus" text to get you up and moving.
Why don't robots have any brothers? They all have transisters.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I'm rubber, you're glue, we're both living a nightmarish existence as self-aware inanimate objects. Someone please kill us.
"UNLESS WE'RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE'S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!" - me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
What do you call a homesick Asian? Disoriented
What's the worst STD you can get from a black man? Pregnancy.
Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for the evening. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
How do you make an idiot easily wait ? I tell you tomorrow.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round... and laughed...
I'm on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
What's green and german? Snotzis.
Dinosaur joke What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalottapuss
What is something that you never forget on a field trip? 9/11.
Where do girls have the curliest hair? Africa.
"Welcome to Fight Club," said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Why did the lost tourist cross the road? The chicken looked like he knew where he was going.
I'm still waiting for the day that I will actually use x2 + why +8 [(x + 2y 2 = a-z] + 2x 3 + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y  5Z 3= k= 9 in real life
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate his pizza before it was cool
I swear to god dude, if you say "But what if we get arrested?" One more time you're out of the group.
I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...
What do you call 16 white girls in a room? One whole Cherokee
I wonder how long it will be before "You look like a million bucks" is an insult. #inflation
Did you know that before James Gandolfini suggested the name "The Sopranos," HBO had planned to call it "The Lasagnas?"
The Worst Journey in the World by Helen Back
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive... try missing a couple of payments.
In a meeting. Can I go first? Thanks. Gets up and leaves.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
"I am leg end" - a foot
What do you call a tin can that's done with High School? A graduated cylinder!
Life is like toilet paper you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Why Did The Hedgehog Cross The Road? Because he wanted to see his flat mate.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I'm blasting Rebecca Black on repeat] Who's nightmare is it now Freddy?!
A lion would NEVER cheat on his mate But a Tiger Wood. XD
Stop thinking that aliens are green! I mean seriously, I saw a few brown skinned Mexicans...
My coffee tastes like dirt! What gives? It's fresh ground.
I found out I've been spelling pedo wrong for years. It's actually paedo. Always handy to spellcheck a CV.
What is a crocodile's favorite food? Post to /r/askscience asshole
Why were the racist oranges upset when they checked out the small phonebook of their new city? Because it was mini apple list.
Women are like ice cream.. They're cold at first, if you keep them warm they melt, then they get fucking sticky.
A man is on trial for beating his wife with his guitar collection The judge asks, "first offender"? The man replies, "No, first a Gibson; then a Fender."
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Who handles font related crimes? A sans sheriff!
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
I'm glad twitter is new because nobody needs to see Michelangelo rt'ing every time someone mentions how majestic the Sistine Chapel is.
Dave drowned So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted. (Gary Delaney)
[girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]
I have my own private jet But my mum owns the rest of the jacuzzi.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
The story of a heroic husband .... Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon.... Husband - Well. Was it closed?
*Crosses fingers* *Fingers plan their revenge*
Q: Where does an ape sleep? A: In an apricot.
10: What does AF mean? After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask? 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
Who's aardvark's favorite male singer? Frank Sinostril!
Hutterite Jokes How did the Hutterite man find his daughter in the woods? Quite satisfying What do you call the sweat between two hutterites having sex? relative humidity
If you're walking down the street and see a teenager, don't panic; just yell "One Direction selfie twerk" and slip away in the confusion.
Why your oven doesn't attend an university? It already has at least hundred degrees
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry potter can get out of a chamber
They are investigating Princes death... They dusted for prince, but found him face down in the corner.
POLISH JOKE Why do Polish people keep empty bottles in their refrigerator? For people that don't want anything to drink
What was the name of the Indian DJ? Sikh Beats.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
Why is my penis nicknamed Johnny Depp? Because I pirate so many pornos. Edit: I don't know how to add the nsfw tag sorry.
Why were Democrats in the lead early on? Republicans weren't off of work yet.
Why is a shooting star better than a hamburger? It's meteor.
Maybe if wommen's uteroids weren't such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn't have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
What do you call a Mesoamerican unicorn? Unimaize
TV Anchor: I don't have my Halloween costume yet but it's going to be cool and wet! Me: Wow you go girl! TVA: turning to weather... M: Oh...
What is the difference between a blonde in a church and a blonde in the bath tub? One has hope in her soul...
I went up to Serena Williams. I said, "Serena, what's your favourite planet?" She said, "It's Venus." I said, "Oh sorry, Venus, what's your favourite planet?"
Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say "You can only pick one."
What did the Ottoman Sultan do when he got home from campaigning? He got his dick out for his Haram bae's.
How many qataris does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just make the nepalese do it.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
Watching "Annie" all I could think was, "That redhead kid is going to make a hideous adult."
"And this is my creepy husband, John." (The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar* Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely. Me: I AM SMELLING YOU Brain: Why do you hate me?
Facebook is like a prison. You look around, write on walls, and are poked by people you don't know.
Why did the polygons of Geometric Grove disapprove of their new triangle neighbor? He was a degenerate triangle.
John: we need a new word for foolishness Tom: How about johnfoolery lol John: Ok that's definitely what I'm writing down
I'll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that's like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
"yo Adam, Eve, don't eat from that tree ok?" "Why God?" "CUZ I INSTALLED THIS SWEET BURGER KING BRO" "AW HELL YEAH" *God & Adam chest bump*
Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.
What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals? Phillipe Floppe Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.
A dung beetle walks into a bar.... The bartender asks,"What's with the round faeces?"
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!
Who is FAPMAN's greatest nemesis? The Stroker.
My first job... My first job out of college was a "diesel fitter" at a pantyhose factory... As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "Yep, deez'll fit her!"
How did the bottle of whiskey laugh? ...wryly.
I am completely outraged by JJ Abrahms saying the next Star Wars will have an openly gay character in his science fiction franchise Star wars is Science Fantasy, not Science Fiction
Have you heard of that family fun game Beat the Parents? Talk about a double standard.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I'm a great husband
My poetic look on the election Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. Damn it, America! What the fuck did you do?!
'Benjamin Button.' 'BENJAMIN WHO?' 'Benjamin' 'WHO'S THERE?' 'Knock knock!'
How many sexual orientations does a physicist have? Six: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Top and Bottom.
I'm going to confess my love to this sore throat so it'll be gone when I wake up in the morning.
What's the difference between a teenager and a radioactive element? Radioactive elements last longer.
I'm writing a television series which involves everyone smoking dope. It's a mellow drama.
4yo: What do you love most in the world? Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you? 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman. Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I heard you guys like nooses..... We should hang together!!
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don't have any laser hair.
Why the Spainish love English class.... Essays
What did the host serve his guests for The Simpsons marathon night? Disco Stew!
I don't trust stairs They're always up to something
I was banging my neighbors wife, doggy style, when her husband came home... She said, "OH MY GOD, use the BACKDOOR!!" I should've left at that point, but you don't get an offer like that every day...
What does Paddy Irishman says when he meets a one legged jockey? How're you gettin' on?
Why did the poor art collector only buy miniature paintings? He wanted more Monet in his wallet.
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it... do the other trees laugh at it?
Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off Step 2. Stalin Step 3. Russian to finish
Knock knock joke Knock knock Whos there Broken Pencil Broken Pencil who Never mind...its pointless!
It's Black Friday, and I just got an iPhone 6 for my wife I thought it was a good trade. Thanks to /u/darcyboy on this one!
Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me
If you get nervous during sex, just pretend like everyone watching you is naked.
Was kicked out of Walmart today. When I walked in I saw a "Wet Floor" sign. So I did.
Why should I date you? Girl - Give me 1 good reason, why I should date you? Guy - I'll give you 69.
The legend say: When a woman is giving birth almost can feel the pain of a man with the flu.
I have an idea for a make-your-own hotdog place It's called "What's the Wurst That Could Happen?"
What do you call the action of a banker buying weed? A dank transaction
Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.
How does an Alzheimer's patient celebrate New Years? Kissing strangers.
MAXIM MAGAZINE: BECAUSE YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF NIPPLES
I hate eating vegetables. The wheelchair doesn't go down easy.
RIP evaporated water.... ...You will be mist
Why is it so hard to pull over on the Pirate Highway? Because there's a parrot on the shoulder.
'Cracker' is racist. They should be called Crispy Baked Squares.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
What do you plant ... What do you plant, to grow a really big plant that has nothing wrong with it? Dyslexic acorns. They grow into A-ok trees.
[Request an Explanation] Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. What does this joke mean?
A construction crew was converting an old road near a chicken coupe back to farmland... Comedians slaughtered the construction crew, and the jokes continued.
"I'm telling you, it's all or nothing," the exterminator explains to Noah, "I can't just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn't work like that."
This orgy would be a lot more fun if the people would loosen up and quit calling it an "elevator".
A router goes into a doctor's office and says, "It hurts when IP."
"Hey Pop" pleaded Angelo "can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?"  "What's the matter with you?" asked his father.  "Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?"
how many months have 28 days in them . All of them.
My friend David had his ID stolen So now I just call him Dav.
Greatest Hipster Joke Of All Time How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool!
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You poke 'em on!
Guy getting test results from his doctor and the doctor says "we have some good news and some bad news" "The good news is, we're going to name a disease after you"
*Meanwhile at a restaurant* Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table? Me: So kind of you, I wouldn't mind. *Picks table and walks out*
Stop with the blind jokes ... I don t see the point.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
Him: You're a DJ? I'm not one for dancing. I've got this leg, you see? I've had it since the war. Me: How long have you had the other one?
What do you call a 45 pound Ethiopian? Fat.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
As I get older I realize my penis is like Jesus. It takes 3 days to reserect after a good beating.
What's another name for floor pie? 3.
Men ask us if we're naked when we tell them we're taking a bath. THAT'S why they pay more for their car insurance.
"Oh no. This sucks. I'm gonna put it in a movie." - hundreds of directors while watching 9/11, apparently
Did you hear about the new machine that creates earthquakes? It was groundbreaking.
What happened to the cow who jumped over the barb wire fence? Udder destruction
What did the Duracell Bunny get arrested for? Assault and battery
Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania? Because all his other wives support Hilary
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They arrest it for being broke and they beat the room for being black.
A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.
Fetish... I have a fetish for switching on air conditioning units. It gives me vent elation.
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming. Its like she's never seen a penis before.
The possibility that I hit REPLY ALL haunts every email I've ever sent.
Why are ghosts always dehydrated? They have a lot of boos but no water
What stopped winter from coming? Winterfell and it can't get up.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn't be breeding anyway.
78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don't notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.
What do you call a gay Jamaican? A Pokemon.
Out of all Katherine Heigl films, I enjoyed the one where she starts with being a prude but ends up having fun with a guy and falls in love.
I upset a Jehovah's Witness at work today... ...he started telling me a knock-knock joke, but I wouldn't answer.
Have you heard of the new constipation movie? it hasn't come out yet.
When someone tries to tell me they can't do something, I'm like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
I hate jokes that leaves you hanging. They [Deleted]
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Guy Fieri's parents were two lyrics websites
I just noticed "Glue sticks" is a name for some stationery but also just a fact.
Knock knock...
Why do Irish women have small nipples? If they were any bigger their babies would get alcohol poisoning.
joe: siri address me as poopyhead siri: okay poopyhead *obama enters* barack: joe have you seen my phone? joe: yep here *runs away giggling*
Why did the book join the police? He wanted to work undercover.
My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder... And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.
"I kid you not" -Abortion doctor.
QWOP must be what it's like to run for autistic people.
why do females love old gynecologists... because of their shaky fingers
I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it  and he's always on time.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
If I rape a prostitute, Is it shoplifting?
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler He was one hell of a proctologist.
An English professor sees a gorgeous blond at a party . . . "Pardon me," he says, "but do you enjoy Kipling?" "Gee, I don't know," says the blond. "I've never kippled before."
Damn girl are you a pair of sexy knickers??? You're cute on the outside but you're only covering a c*nt
What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado? Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer *shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams
What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday... ..I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her fucking birthday.
How do you Circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will clear my browsing history.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
I'm at an awkward weight I'm fat enough to not look good with my shirt off, but not fat enough for it to become part of my charm. I'm caught between a rock and a lard place.
OMFG there is a horse in the corridor! Then my wife must still be in the manege.
According to my neighbor's journal, I have "boundary isues."
What kind of blaster would you ambush Darth Vader with? I would use a sandblaster.
Where does Vladimir keep his shit? In his poo tin
What do you call 256 Shades of Grey? Grayscale
*holds up 2 ties* which one, I have a big meeting today "both are nice" [wife calls later] "how'd it go" well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I always order my burgers from Sonic He always gets them to me the fastest
I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me... So I gave up thinking.
What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing  you can't cross a vector with a scaler.
What do you call a huge pile of cats? A Meowntain
The real heroes are the people who don't call back when you accidentally call them and only let it ring once.
When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body. Thankfully, it all changed when I was born.
The bison was declared as USA's national mammal Hearing these news, the Republicans breathed a sigh of relief - at least it's not gayson
Unless you can be Batman, always be yourself.
If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play  ping-gong and died what would they put on his coffin? A lid.
I'd kill a two-year-old... ...to get with Casey Anthony
"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "It's the Police, sir." "You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit." "We know, Sir, the Phone Box has glass sides!"
The Dominos "tracker" says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it's not Brad... ...again.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
What do you call a guy who screams, "I love you, mom!" every time he climaxes? Me.
He already ruined your mascara, don't let him ruin your night.
So I went to a zoo the other day.... But all they had was a dog It was a shih tzu
If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
I can't prove it, but from the sound of it, I'm pretty sure there's an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Why did the farmer name his pig Ink? Because he kept running out of the pen.
It takes a real man to be a juggler You've got to have balls to do it
Which part of a billiards setup can you use to clean your ears? The cue tip.
The Titanic was a German philosopher... It got famous for sinking.
My mother told me that I took everything for granite. Apparently our house was made of sandstone.
My mum at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you.  My mum in the morning: Wake the fuck up you lazy piece of shit.
I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn't break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.
I was going to make a dubai joke But all the good ones are overused, emirate?
What do you call clothes for a car? A tire.
I haven't had anything to eat all year. It's 12:01 January 1st where I am
You know what they say about a man with average sized feet. It's really easy to find shoes for him.
[Game of Thrones] What happens if Ramsay Bolton met Samwell Tarly's girlfriend? Gilly suit
My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.
[Bowling Alley] "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any bowling shoes left" *gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
What's the difference between an orphanage and a beach ball? You won't go to prison for blowing up a beach ball.
What's Donald Trump's favorite dance move? Hit the Juan
There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't
Why get thinner when you can get more dinner?
what do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? gang rape
What percentage of police officers are strippers and what percentage of strippers are police officers? I'm confused.
How do you know if someone has run a marathon? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.
I went to a feminist convention. Everything was good, except for one thing. Nobody made sandwiches.
I interviewed for a new secretary today and the last girl blew it. So, she starts tomorrow.
What's the difference between a punchline and a cute girl? Sometimes I get the punchline :(
What will people say when Prince Charles dies? Long live the Queen.
If a child is scared of pedophiles, He should grow up
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
What do hurricanes most like to eat for dessert?  -Candy Canes
Sometimes instead of saying "For Example", I'll say something such as "such as", for example.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that's why we never do that.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chair ! Chair who? Chair you go again asking more questions !
To be honest She: You cannot find another girl like me Me: I'm not looking for another one like you
What's the most Jewish instrument? The Sachs
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Thought about putting a diabetic joke but... Some people think they are insul'in
Why did James Gandolfini die of a heart attack? Because he was fat.
Why do women have orgasms? Just another reason to moan really.
What happened to the dwarf who walked between a lady's legs? He got a clit around the ear and a flap on the face.
Last night on stage at the strip club ... ...was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" "My glasses" I said
A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.
Well, look on the bright side... At least they won't be talking about that gorilla anymore.
I wanted to make a joke about transgenders... ...but I don't have the balls to do it. Not anymore anyway.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes.
The thermostat was invented 125 years ago, but I have yet to work in an office with one that has anything but Africa and Sibera as settings.
You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them.
I was walking through town yesterday, when I came across a large black man with a mohawk and jewellery. He said, "I piy the fool." I said, "Hey, you missed a T."
Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove
What do you call an airplane that has sex with both men and women? A biplane.
How do Russians in the taiga make fun of each other online? -bullying
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
What's Hillary's favorite pizza place? Little Seizures Edit: credit to Joe Biggs @rambobiggs
A cell's sister stepped on the cell's toe. "Mitosis"
You know why men die earlier than women? Because we WANT to!
[stacks of books on floor] Impressive, son. [son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others] "Yep; perfect height" [turns on Xbox]
What do you call a dinosaur that's in a hurry? A Prontosaur.
What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs? Mazel-tov Cocktails
Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well here's the elastic band.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago* Receives check* Dang I just got a raise
Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil. Wait 'til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f'd up ways to pronounce words.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
The poodle said to the german shepherd.. "Hey, you're foaming at the mouth! Do you have rabies?" The german shepherd smiled and calmly replied "Nah. I just got done blowing myself."
What is a paranoid man's favorite food? Who wants to know?
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I have a test on Islam next period in my World Cultures class... I'm gonna bomb it.
A man has been arrested after a bungled attempted at the theft of a combine harvester, during which he fell into the working parts of the machine. Police expect him to be bailed tomorrow.
I think unscented candles are bullshit... cuz every candle smells like something's burning. (Best read in a Hedberg voice.)
I don't know why they run marathons in Germany.... They have a history of not finishing races.
How do you circumcise a redneck... Uppercut his sister in the jaw.
I once dated a girl with a wandering eye... ...but she was seeing somebody on the side.
I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.
Children give terrible gifts because they're poor.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
How hard do you need to press someone's boob to ooze out milk ? About tree fiddy.
What do you call fat dubstep? Chubby wubby
Knock knock "Hey Walter, wanna hear a joke?" "Sure" "Knock kno- " "I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!!!"
How many black people does it take to change a light bulb? You can't tell it's in the dark
Want to hear a short joke? A midget walks under a bar.
A German woman is walking down the street.  Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her.  She screams ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.
Hey 300lb lady, stop bragging about your cup size. It doesn't count when your entire body is double D.
"My wife's having a relationship with the Speaker of the House of Representatives" "Boehner?" "No, she assures me it's completely platonic."
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in... *shuffle shuffle* ...hippopotamus.
I managed to lose 245lbs of unsightly flesh... Divorced the wife.
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar. A practice that still continues
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys? Coach.
Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a good looking dog... It was a pretty shih tzu
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Hey let's meet somewhere for drinks and text the people we'd rather be hanging out with.
What do Marie Curies Notebooks and a defected KGB agent have in common? They both won't be investigated very closely.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here for karma I still do, but I used to as well
What does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buck-an-ear
Coworker: I was named after my grandfather. Me: Of course you were, he was born first.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I'm suspicious that I'm up to something i dont want myself to know about.
What do you get if you cross a Phyllis with a Christine? A Philistine with two mommies ...
HER: I hate you ME: Hate is such a strong word [cut to hate benching 300 lbs] HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
What kind of music do wind turbines listen to? They're huge metal fans.
Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. - watching the Olympics with my wife
My boss just told me that I'm doing the work of three men... Moe, Larry and Curly
A beggar once asked me, "Any change?" I said, "Nope. You're still broke."
What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar? I pity the stool!
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a telephone. Doctor: Why's that? I keep getting calls in the night.
What is the definition of a farmer? Someone who is outstanding in his field. *hehehe* Credit: Laffy Taffy
Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today. Shucks.
*Jesus looks over bill from last supper* "It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver." "I got this!" Judas yells, almost too quickly.
Remember the game where you would take turns yelling, "Penis!" in public? Life was so simple before 9/11.
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved.
If I was a Quidditch player I'd be the Seeker, because I'm really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.
the 80 year old lady paying w/ exact change and coupons behind me in line is pissed bc the credit card chip reader is taking too long
WOW! You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot! Oh... You're being serious, about your love for your TC? Oh dear, this is awkward.
There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole? Barack Obama's Tie
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
What do Dale Earnhardt and Adolf Hitler have in common? They both died before finishing a race.
HOT local grizzly bears dying to eat YOU!
Life is like a penis.. Women make it harder..
You know what I don't get? Jobs.
The past, present and future walk in to a bar... It was tense.
Some people say I have a very short attention spanish is a very beautiful language.
How does Hitler organize his juice? By concentration
How did Luke always know what Darth was getting him for Christmas? He felt his presents...
While watching Hangover 2 the other day, I say to my friend, "I wonder where they're going in the third one?" "Straight to DVD."
I could tell you a joke about TCP.... But I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.
What does a neckbeard eat for breakfast? Pankeks.
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don't get her a size S with a gift receipt, you're an asshole.
What do you call a three humped camel? Pregnant. (Credit goes to the trailer of Zootopia)
Two sowing machines are sitting in a bar.. And one says, *"Are you a singer?"* Then the other replies, *"Why? Janome?"*
I don't understand why fat people get so much hate? They have love handle's not hate handle's
Who's the first Irishman to come outside every Spring? Patty O'Furniture
I'm planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
What's the Difference Between a Hormone and a Pheromone? You can't hear a pheromone.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it's written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
A man walks into a bar... The bartender says, 'I am fucking done with all these jokes!'.
What do gay horses eat? Cock
Cheap date idea: cut open a pack of hotdogs & squeeze the juice over your lover's body then summon a peregrine falcon with your mind.
Have you ever had African food? Neither have they.
The Sun is similar to Beer Sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Beer rises in yeast and sets in the waist .
test :notes:
Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.mons
They call my sister the Titanic because she once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Why do so many girls wear sweaters that say 'SuperDry'... It's not like us boys wear sweaters saying 'micropenis'
What doesn't kill you, forces me to reload.
Offense: When it's a legal matter, it's pronounced o-FENCE. When it's sports, it's pronounced OFF-ence. Climbing... ? A fence.
How do you tell a dyslectic to take the left turn on the road? Turn toward your side!
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one? Necrophilia.
Let's get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid's birthday party where everyone coughs.
Two retirees meet in a cafe. The first retiree says, "Hey Stan! I didn't see you at the doctor's yesterday. Are you sick?"
*beats arachnophobia* *trips over child dressed as Spider-Man* *fears spiders again*
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck fifty, but deer nuts are under a buck!
What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park in it, man.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
HEY GUYS I'M AT NXNE! WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?
My dad gave me the best advice ever. "Before you marry a woman, meet her mother and you'll know what your wife will be like in 30 years time" I learned she won't be giving me head or anal.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Why did the bike not go to the gym? BECAUSE IT WAS TOO TIRED :D:D:D:D:D:D
After twin sisters plummeted off a Hawaii cliff, one died. The other was charged with murder. Just goes to show if you can't take the sting out of a bee, take the bee from the ... sting.
I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.
Why are Dutch people so tall? The short ones drowned in the floods
Scott Stapp thinks he's Bono. Six Feet From The Edge.
My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!
What did the homeless man get for christmas ? Hypothermia.
Time to ban High Capacity Assault Vehicles? how else could we stop this?
How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator? Open the door. Put in the elephant. Close the door.
Why do North Korean statesmen make for bad lovers? Because they won't hold a public erection.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
My ex was orphan as a child I should have taken that as the first sign. If her parents didn't want her, why would I.
Neil never had a girlfriend... So Neil Armstrong.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include "mouth breathing".
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube."
I am on a seafood diet Every time I see food, I eat it.
hope no vids surface of the time i opened a bag of potato chips and one flew out and hit me in the eye
They say I have cancer and Alzheimers... But at least I don't have cancer!
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant Friend: Impossible it's an indoor cat Me: What have you done
Life is like a bunch of chocolates It doesn't last long when you're fat.
I long for the innocence of youth, back when I was happy just playing with a slinky all day Things are so different now. It's like, 3...4 hours tops and I'm bored with the thing.
What do cannibals put in their soup? Ramen! -------- Before you judge harshly, I would like to state that this was invented by a six year old, all on his own, no coaching.
What goes dot dot dash squeak ? Mouse code !
Why do people in France have to eat frog legs that "taste like chicken"? If they eat real chicken they'll be arrested for cannibalism. Edit: grammar
Don't do the pathetic baby talk when talking to the baby. They don't understand you any better. You don't go up to a dog and start barking.
What do you call an openly gay detective? Surecocks Holmes
When a woman says, "I'm NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That's universal for, "You're going to die."
What is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs? Be sharp or Be flat.
Did you hear about the country adopting a "Get to it Later" policy? I guess you could say it's a procrasti-NATION
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David  hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before.
You know what's the only difference between Martin Luther King day and St. Patrick's day? Everybody wants to be Irish on St. Patrick's day.
What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary? An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don't know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it's not.
Nestle has taken to putting "Do not consume raw cookie dough" on all of it's cookie packages Oh, Nestle You don't know me at all, do you?
Two guys walk into a bar... Don't you think the second guy would have ducked?
What do you call a man with a nose but no body? nobody knows
When you first meet a potential partner, slap them in the face. That way, later on in the relationship they cant say, 'you don't treat me like you used too!'
I stole a wolf pup from a rundown wildlife refuge. Turns out it was just a Shih Tzu.
"Mom, I'm here to make your boobs big." - smiling 3 yr old comes out of garage with a bike pump.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote  control just to operate her remote!
In Defense of James Buchanan: Rehabilitating an American President (lol no)
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you're sprouting tinsel instead.
I just love rehydrated raisins They're grape.
I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had sex... He started counting then fell asleep.
What's Moby Dick's dads name? Poppa Boner
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What goes 'peck bang peck bang peck bang' ? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !
Even today this is still the best one I know Obama got elected twice.
What is better than Porn? HD Porn
Who has more money than God? His Ex-Wife.
They say Curiosity killed the cat Why there was a cat on Mars we'll never know.
"Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it" "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." - John 12:49
A nasty little joke Q: How can you make a gay man fuck a woman? A: By shitting in her cunt.
What do you call it when you lease false teeth? A dental rental.
Things I Hate: slow internet connection and monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and half of friday.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
I was gonna make a joke on Reddit.. .. but I guess you've already Reddit somewhere.
All the workers at the nuclear reactor plant left work. They left a sign at the door. What did it say? Sorry! Gone fission.
People are weird. Everyone knows door handles spread disease, but whenever I ask a business owner if I can clean his knob I get thrown out.
What did the mexican say when he hugged a cactus Ay, Ay, Ay, Ayy
Why could the chef not cook a tree branch? Because he used a non-stick pan.
*Kanye West's dating show* 10 women stand in front of me and I only have 9 roses. BUT WAIT... They're all for me *Kanye wins dating show*
When you order a Coke and are asked if Pepsi is OK should be considered a hate crime.
So I went to the proctologist.... [insert joke here]
I got infatuated with a pizza. I thought it was just a *crust*. But damn, it was love at first *slice*
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?......No one knows they never keep the house!
Did you know John Denver had dandruff? Yeah, after his plane went down they found his Head and Shoulders washed up on a beach.
Politics is an "I'm not an asshole" contest for assholes.
What do you call a black guy who just graduated from medical school? Doctor, you racist son of a bitch.
I'm concerned that little girls are being taught it's okay to eat.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I'm going out of this world the way I came in it... Inside a drunk college drop out covered in the blood of an unborn twin.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I cheated on my girlfriend once. I was playing monopoly and I took some money from the bank when she wasn't looking. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.
Jesus and the blind man... What did Jesus say after he healed the blind man? Made you look!
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
What do you call Minecraft in Germany? NEIN-CRAFT!
"The shortest distance between two points is a straight line" Triggered. Discriminates against gay lines.
Well r/boobs is still working fine!
Police responded to a call where the husband was beating his wife with a flashlight... The man was charged with assault; flashlight charged with battery.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite? Because it's soda pressing
A psychic goes to buy clothes Employee: how about this one? Psychic: That top is too small Employee: You didn't even try it on Psychic: I'm a medium
A man enters a library A man goes to the library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds "Fuck off, you're not gonna bring it back."
What is Donald Trump's favourite nation? Discrimination
Civil War Jokes you say? I General Lee don't find them funny
Yo momma Is so fat, that she has her own event horizon!
"You can't stand there." "Not there, either." "Nope that spot's taken, too." -Ground hogs
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a rooster? An itchy cock
Every time I go to get an HIV test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive And every time, I'm right.
Four blonds walk into a bar... ...cheering "85 Days! 85 Days!" A gentleman inquires "Excuse me, but what's '85 days?'" The blonds reply "We completed a puzzle in 85 days and the box says 2-4 years!"
Our Faults "Once a friend of mine and I agreed that it would be helpful for each of us to tell the other all our faults" "How did it work ?" "We haven't spoken for five years".
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's fly into a window.
What's the difference between jews and girl scouts? The girl scouts come back from the camp.
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger why he hasnt upgraded his computer to Windows 10.. He said "I still love Vista baby!"
I just found spaghetti in our heating ducts if any of you were thinking of having children.
How Do You Create Artificial Intelligence? Dye a blonde's hair.
Why did Frodo set his phone to vibrate? He was afraid the ring would give him away.
i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy... "who's blocking the exit?? WHO? who's blockin' the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!"
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I'll cut their legs off too.
Today, my teacher stated that he used to work for NASA. He told that class that he became a teacher because it paid more.
How many Nice Guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just complement the bulb and get pissed that it won't screw
I became a vegetarian yesterday. I regret it already, I guess you can say it was a missed steak.
Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world? A: The library, because it has so many stories.
What do you call a spoiled sausage? A brat-wurst.
A termite walks into a bar... And asks "Is the bartender here?"
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Robin Hood and Little John walking through the forest... Have fun getting that song out of your head.
What did the clam say when a crab attacked him? Kelp!
Show me a gay married couple And I'll show you a couple that hasn't been married 25 years.
1. Put on red T-shirt. 2. Remember that I need to go to Target today. 3. Take off red T-shirt.
I'm basically only good at three things: 1. Programming 2. Counting
What Do Ghosts Like To Stare At? BooBees.
A small village soup chef tried to make a bit of extra money on the side, selling boullion cubes laced with marijuana... It was the laughing stock of the whole town.
What do you call a smelly fellow that makes bad jokes? Pungent
Curb stomping your enemies and having the last thing they see in their pointless lives be your Skechers lighting up >>>>
Boy in the hospital, dying of cancer and grandma misplaces her glasses at the store and buys the first card she finds "Get Good Soon" [8]
Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
I'm going to run a marathon next year. It's a huge challenge, but 26 miles in 365 days is definitely doable.
I told one of my coworkers who happens to be Mexican that he better hope Trump doesn't become president... Or else he'll be hiding out in his attic like Anne Frank.
A little kid's in school taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says "What are you doing?" He says "Checking my answers."
New cardboard AIDS test if your skin is darker than a piece of cardboard you probably have AIDS.
What's the difference between an immigrant &amp; a book? One of them has papers.
new password. I was trying to come up with a new password for one of my sites, jokingly I typed in 'mypenis'. Message came back, 'sorry not long enough;
How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas? By spending a large fortune.
Dads: what times your flight? Sons: 4pm Dads: id get there at 8am
Today I will be communicating exclusively through farts and meows
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the  banjo? A: They make good paddles.
As the wise Confucius once said.... If you drop watch in toilet, you have shitty time
"Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight...? You're so radical!" How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
BABY COW: [points at human] What's that? OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer ...an excellent Holiday gift idea
My wife... It's difficult to say what she does... She sells seashells on the seashore.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust...
I had an eight course Irish dinner tonight. A six pack of beer, a potato, and a glass of whiskey to finish it off.
What stories are told by basketball players ? Tall stories !
What do you call a virgin redneck? A 7 year old who can run faster than her brothers.
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 3840x2160
How many redditors does it take to screw in a new lightbulb? Zero. Somebody already did it.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
Looking at cows in a field, how can you tell which one's on holiday? It's the one with the wee calf. (Think Scottish)
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of the silent P.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you've been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Me: Jimi Hendrix? Daughter: Who? Me: Beatles? Daughter: Who? Me: Doors? Daughter: Who? Me: Justin Bieber? Daughter: Hate him. Me: Thank God.
Why could Don Juan always pick up girls in his car? It was electric. Also, the car had a set of hands.
I think the government just un-friended us.
Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.
What does a feminist and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.
What did the dentist say to the golfer? "You have a hole in one. "
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
I can't fall asleep/So I think of some haikus/I should go tweet one!
What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.
This one time, I went to prison, but I got out without a scratch- I beat off all the other prisoners
Condoleeza Rice's less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.
My favorite Knock Knock Joke. "Knock Knock" "who's there" "I got up" "I got up who?" "then the bathrooms over there"
I'm not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.
What do you call it when Gandhi starts a food fight? Naan violence
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that? Me: He's on paws. X: ... Me:  On... paws. X: I hate you so much.
Why did the doctor kick his patients? He was trying to heel them.
What's a cats favourite dictator? Chairman Maow
How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse.
I'm on a roll tonight! Whoops! Never mind, it was just a muffin.
Why are crime rates down in the US? Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.
Why can't pedophiles eat butter? It will raise their molesterol.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I've learned how to breathe in the damn thing I'll tell you how it worked out.
They asked me if I was into minors... I said, "Bro, hell no. That coal gets messy."
Thoughts on "The Hunt for Red October"? oops, wrong sub.
TIL that Caligynephobia is the fear of beautiful women. So if a guy doesn't talk to you then he probably has Caligynephobia. It's the only explanation...
Schrodinger's Pussy... There may or may not be a dick in the box.
My mother is in the hospital... She's a nurse.
Good woman joke What do you tell a woman with two black eyes. Nothing you already told her twice.
"Sobbing" autocorrected to "throbbing" and now my attempt at showing my sensitive side has taken a very different direction.
What do rioting jewish people throw? Mazel tov cocktails
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.
There's no law that says you can't use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.
What did one gay sperm say to the other? How do we find the egg in all this shit?
There's a fox in our garden! I mean a real fox, not a sexy person! Although, I am also now in the garden. There are two foxes in our garden!
What's a greater Pressure, the impact of Earth hitting the sun, the impact of Earth hitting the moon, or Republican demands for Carson and Kasich to drop out? Please discuss. Thanks.
The iPhone 7 may be revolutionary and everything.... But the Samsung Note 7 blows you away.
Referring to one's self in the third person is really obnoxious, but you refer to yourself in the second person and it confuses everyone. It's probably why you have no friends.
If you ever have to say "just kidding," you're probably not very good at kidding and you should stop kidding
It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.
I would make a joke here... ...but Amy Schumer doesn't need any more material.
The movie Scarface taught us that abusing cocaine can lead to making bad decisions--for example: the script, the soundtrack, and the acting.
What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... They both look great until they hit the ice.
Why did Microsoft go straight to Windows 10 and skip 9? Because Windows 8 9.
Im opening up a tattoo shop just for blind people. I wont really tattoo them. Ill just stab'em with a needle taped to a vibrator for an hour
In response to the Country Singer lightbulb joke, how many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 13. 1 to do it, and 12 to say they could do it better.
What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk!
What do you call someone who makes horribly lame jokes? A redditor
Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
What's the difference between a dog and a cat? If a cat were big enough it would eat you.
Mitt Romney's Presidency.
A man takes his shoe off in church... Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it* Man 2: "What the problem?" Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "
Why did Tigger get stuck in the toilet? He was looking for pooh.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
What should you always ask after someone says "I'd fuck her, but only with a bag on her head"? Paper or plastic?
"I woke up like this" [looks terrible]
I love people who order coffee like they're giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can't stop internet porn from buffering every 20 seconds.
Life without you is like FACEBOOK without friends, YOUTUBE without videos and GOOGLE with no results...
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I like the way the earth revolves! It really makes my day!
Liquid ASS Prank In Aunts Room
What's the hardest part about dumping a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
Q: Why couldn't the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl? A: There was a restraining order.
What comes after Ebola? Fbola.
In America, people rob banks ... In Soviet Russia, Banks rob you ! :)
What happens when you have ear sex You get hearing aids
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad? -People who are about to piss you off
Why do men die before their wives?  - They want to.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" And it was at that moment when Peter broke down in tears, having realized that his mother's Alzheimer disease had finally reached past the point of no return.
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night. I was like OMg.
After lengthy reflection, I've concluded that having kids wasn't worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
*shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE
I find it insulting that Arby's mascot isn't a pirate bee.
How does a Liverpudlian get to work... He doesn't.
Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T... Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.
A man was apprehended for public masturbation but ultimately let go because he only did it for 10 seconds... Ya, he definitely got off easy.
Always Drive Drunk That way, if you get into an accident, at least you are drunk.
Why did the mouse eat a candle ? For some light refreshment!
Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them? In Watts. I'll see myself out now.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
What does a fisherman say when he catches a fish? His catch-phrase. Short n' Sweet, hope you like it!
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Nien.
<at a baptism> *leans over* Me:What's the WiFi password? Him:Jesus Christ, dude! Me:That makes sense....is it case sensitive?
My therapist thinks I have a drug problem. My dealer says she's overreacting.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know someone who would be very angry if she heard that.
"On this episode of 60 Minutes, we'll talk to a woman who had a baby but did not change her Facebook profile picture to a photo of it..."
How do you know if a Russian vampire is gay? If Vladimir Putin it in the butt.
why does the ad before the thing I want to watch play with ease but the thing I want to watch is like OH NO I'M FREAKING OUT BUFFER! BUFFER!
Don't be an ass, be an arse. Do it with class.
Why did the punk cross the road. He was stapled to the chicken.
wassup babe, im the reason Pregnancy-info .net disabled video embedding on their forums, how abuot giving me a nice kiss
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* "Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar."
Team Rocket Were Caught Performing a Lewd Sex Act... Ass to Meowth
Doctor's Office Visit The doctor asked me how my bowel movements have been lately, I told him very dark. He asked me to describe so I said, "every time i look into the bowl, it spells out 'DIE'"
after chuck norris eats a large meal, he literaly burns of the caleries
What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph because hes not quite yet an essay.
What did the tailor say after a job well done? There is nothing left too loose.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don't call it Liam then what is even the point of you
What do you call a Shi Tzu giving a blowjob? Shit Head.
If I know anything about girls, it's that they appreciate privacy. Trust me I've read a ton of diaries.
A man and a boy walk into the woods together at night Boy: "It's dark and scary in here" Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone"
Why do men like breasts so much? They prove men can concentrate on two things at once.
Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty ? Gary: Well let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably  say 'oink oink '!
...how is life in North Korea? I can't complain.
Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships... Apparently "in HD" was not the right answer.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."
How does a mathematician ask for money? Give me 10! dollars
White folk hate math. Especially when they heard in Calculus they'd have to integrate.
check if your cocaine is good, mix in vinegar. If it makes a volcano, its baking soda. If not, your drugs is ruined. Drugs are always bad.
LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand JUDGE: damn lol
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
What do Pizza Delivery guys and Gynecologists have in common? They can both smell it, but can't eat it..
What do a tornado and a redneck wedding have in common? Either way you lose a motorhome.
I approached a photographer and took his picture. He had me arrested..
Bob unknowingly sat on a chainsaw. ;
My girlfriend might be a cheater.. She's taking a trip to Bang-cock!!
Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you're not supposed to jerk off in the back row
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered child molester.
What is the Greek Army's motto? Never leave your buddy's behind.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
What do you call a hen staring at lettuce? Chicken sees-a salad
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Chess Set "I'd like to buy this chess set please" "How will you be paying, sir?" "Check mate"..
I'm pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.
A man walks into a bar with a gun And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!" A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"
I listen to trump rallies before I go to bed They're all white noise.
Him: Sir, you don't have the experience or fitness to be a fireman. Me: But, I got a mustache! Him: That's cat fur attached with frosting.
I wrote a song about tortilla's Well. It's more of a wrap.
My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish she used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time
Why did the chicken cross the road? KANYE WEST - Beyonce should have crossed the road, not the chicken!
Well this should spice things up. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
What is it called when an Ethiopian takes a shit? Bragging
Why is Santa's Sack So Big Because he only comes once a year.
Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar? So he could save his stool.
BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama's decision to skip breakfast.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious WIFE: those are daily vitamins ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can't find the remote
They say blondes have the most fun They also say ignorance is bliss.
How are buttsex and asparagus the same? If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
I'm biased: I have four buttocks.
Nothing says "I hope your birthday sucks as much as you do" like an Applebees' gift card.
Dear Santa, Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I've only taught my parrot to say "REPETITION" so far. Next I'm going to teach him to say "IRONY AND ANNOYING ARE SYNONYMS". "SQUAWK!"
A Comparison What is the difference between a women's track team and a pack of gerbils? The gerbils are a bunch of cunning runts.
*Do not consume if seal is broken* I've just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven't found one seal.
He said I won his heart and I was all "Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil."
Disease doesn't care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.
What do you call a monkey in a suit? Over-dressed!
How do you get a clown to stop smiling? Hit him in the face with an axe
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
If these walls could talk, I bet it would sound like someone was trapped in the wall and we'd all freak out pretty bad.
So I went clubbing last night... Those seals didn't stand a chance.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won't seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
my boss is asking how I'm feeling today how do I explain that I've done about 20 grams of animal tranquilizer within 5 days
Yo mama so fat... She makes Chow Yun-Thin. (sorry..reddit)
I have two boyfriends! Well, I'm dating two men Okay. Ben and I are just friends Same with Jerry Fine. I have ice cream. But it's love.
They don't seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
If anyone can put the "i" in "Team" it's Apple.
My 6 yr old just asked if I'm a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares their dogs.
How do you know if somebody is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.
Why is it never hot in churches? Because it's prayer conditioned. I'll leave now....
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.. I should have put it on aloha setting.
Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested? He was charged with battery.
I'd make a joke about mentally handicapped people... But I can't compete with the one God already made
How do you subdue a large snake? You use a boa restrictor
"Meh" -apathetic cow
My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7? Jack off
My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment? Tenants
If you want to remove wrinkles, pimples, face marks &amp; 7 signs of skin-aging... Then you should try Adobe Photoshop!
My niece thinks she's more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven. His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
What's the difference between a homeless wanker and a pimp? One's a broke stroker and the other is a stroke broker.
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
What do you call a sad gay Brit? Aaa bloody bummer
A friend asked me, "Did you know Isaac Newton died a virgin"? I replied, "What colour?"
"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.." Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Today I went down on my girlfriend Period.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater ,for this year I would prefer a squirter or a moaner .
What's the difference between a Pakistani mosque and a Afghanistan mosque and an Iraqi mosque? How should I know, I just fly the drones.
*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead* If you're here then.. [cut to kid bursting through a wall like 'oh yeah']
If you don't leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn't get your money's worth.
At the Special Olympics they don't use starter pistols... They use Spud Guns.
i heard a rumor about a horny mistake yeah, they say the mistake also has no life so the mistake just goes around the /r/joke subreddit to use up his time.
Want to hear something really fun about science? You would. Nerd.
did you hear about the constipated mathematician? he worked it out with a pencil.... a number two pencil
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. "Stop being an idiot," said one wife who lives in my house.
What hairstyle does Christopher Nolan get at the barber? A director's cut
What do you call four Mexicans at the bottom of the ocean? Quatro Sinko
Are you the 7th planet from the sun? Cause I sure would like to probe Uranus.
Alsation: What is your favorite holiday?  Chihuahua: Howloween!
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A pool table
This year for Kwanzaa, I'm getting my roommate the traditional Kwanzaa toy. A Dr. Dreidel
What does a Polish woman and a hockey team have in common? They both change their pads after three periods.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get a hair cut? A barbecue
Fifty Shades of Grey was disappointing. All those blindfolds and not a single person swung at a pinata.
[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool. 5x0=0
What do you call a bra designed for neutrois? Ze-bra
I've kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it's like to raise an "ungrateful little prick"
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I'm a koala] Waiter: "what can I get u?" "do u have any eucalyptus?" *restaurant goes quiet*
I'm going to open a summer camp for kids with ADD And call it 'The Concentration Camp'
Sometimes at the beach it's like "gross, is that a condom?" Yes. And it's staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.
Hey girl, on a scale of 'Neo's mind in the beginning of The Matrix' and 'Neo's mind at the end', how free are you tonight?
Did you hear about the deadly fire at the ice cream parlour? Hundreds and thousands were lost
What's small, black and full of cobwebs? An ethiopian's asshole.
Those Essex Girls Whats the difference between a plat of spaghetti and an Essex girl The plate of spaghetti moves when you eat it!
i've never seen a girl under 21 whose iphone screen wasn't cracked.
My wife is like a desert wind She rarely blows, but when she does it's dry.
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a  dishwasher?  A.It's cloged up with paper plates.
It's only 8:30 am and I've managed to work "rock out with your cock out" into a conversation. This day is already a winner.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month.
What did the one banana say to the other banana who had his feelings hurt? I know that peel.
The Police called to my door last night and said "Your dog was chasing a man on a bike"... ...I said "Bullshit, my dog doesn't have a bike".
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking "ghosts" questions.
Why can't Stephen Hawking dance? Because he's white.
maybe if we start calling abortions "debortations" republicans will support them?
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. .....
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
What do lawyers use for birth control? Personality.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat it for being dark.
Chemistry joke involving the alphabet A B C D E F G H I J K Phosphorus Q R S T U V W X Y Z Why is there a Phosphorus? Because its an EL EM EN TAL P!
Why are oceans called "The High Seas"? Because of all the seaweed!
Everyone is going crazy over that Kim and Kanye named their baby "North West" I believe she's going straight to the top... And slightly to the left
When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?
Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up".
How to avoid falling trap to clickbaiting? Sorry, you can't!
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU'VE GOTTEN
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I'm literally just pressing buttons.
Kim Jong-Il found alive He's running a hot dog cart in downtown Seoul. It turns out he just wanted a change of Korea.
Why does Sia live in a low-rent apartment? She loves cheap bills
Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank? He wanted to wake up oily.
In 1973, the Six Million Dollar Man consisted of a bionic man with super powers... In 2016, the Six Million Dollar Man consists of two hip replacements.
[police station] "sir you get one phone call." [calls 911] "hello 911 what's your emergency?" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common? Jesus can make them both wine.
Coma's can really change the meaning of a sentence... For instance: * Hillary is in a hurry. * Hillary is in a coma.
If a psychic goes to the bathroom in the forest, does he make a sound? No, because the "p" is silent.
Hospitals are so shady nowadays... Even the doctors are drug dealers.
[For enemies] You know the difference between you and I? You came out of your mom. I came in her.
I'm fluent in Morose Code. -Debbie Downers
Did you hear the one about the dad that said son if you keep masturbating you'll go blind! The son said dad I'm over here.
After seeing the "Women don't talk much in Star Wars" video... Maybe that's how they got so much done
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.. .. It's called Trydixagain.
My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.
What does Donald Trump call a hundred dollar bill? Trump change
A hipster walks into a bar... ...and asks the hipster bartender for a beer. Bartender says - we don't serve hipsters... ironically.
I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.
What's the difference between a camera and a foot? A camera has photos and a foot has five toes. (Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call it, it's not going to come.
My youngest son's dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute. I admire his hope that they'll bounce up and swish down.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta Now I'm feeling cannelloni
What the Mayans taught me The Mayans taught me that if you don't finish something, it's not really the end of the world.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Did you hear about the Murfreesboro  muddlebrain whose father told him about the birds and the bees?  The next day the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was  pregnant.
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? Boy scouts come back from camp.
Who looks after the EuroDisney website? Mick e-mouse.
I've never skydived but I've checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg? Limp Biscuit.
Why do I have migraines? Well I can't have yourgraines, now can I?
What's it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.
When do the leaves begin to turn? The night before a test.
My 6yo's homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Why did the alligator go to Disney World? To get some tots! #toosoon?
How did Harry get it in Ron's sweet Diagon Alley? A lubricantation.
What goes thru a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's asshole.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
"Entertainment News" is a strange way to spell gossip.
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for the conjugal visit, which caused her parents to start freaking out... Best game of Monopoly ever!
Why are Saturday and Sunday strong? Because all the other days are week days.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Canada's four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
I tried eating a clock once It was time consuming.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life. LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder. JUDGE: Oh, then you're free to go.
Working in porn for the free sex is like working at Chipotle for the free burritos Yeah, you're getting paid, but it destroys your asshole
What do you call a herd of masturbating cows? Beef stroganoff
A bit too dark possibly. The war in Vietnam started in 1955 and in 2015 The Charlie was finally massacred.
What do you call someone who's studied Old Norse literature and become an expert. Well edda-cated.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the Doctor where I should put my pants.. "Over there, beside mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
whenever I see "likes her own status" on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Want did the Alzheimer say to the shoe?
"my dad could beat up your dad" we're brothers you idiot *cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I'm seeing somebody.
What do Americans and Putin have in common? They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
What did the cow say to the hay? I chews you
Why do boys walk fast and girls speak more? Because boys have one extra leg and girls have one extra mouth.
Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a  closet? A. The 1995 Hide and Seek World Champion.
What did the elephant say to the naked man "How do you breath through that thing?!"
Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn't even strong enough to push a child out of my way.
Why did the physicist masturbate to the electron? It was in the excited state.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! The job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in his jeans.
I like my women like I like my peanut butter... ...brown, smooth, and easy to spread. Props to Shakes the Clown.
"Haha, you thought I was a quarter." -nickels
Does the defense have any last words? "Yes I do your honor... THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA" [Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
With-holding Sex Always Make Them Crack I'm with-holding sex from countless women at the moment, and they won't even budge.
What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York? The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign
Why was Chuck Norris born by her aunt? Because no one dared to fuck his mother...
How do you turn tap water into holy water? You boil the HELL out of it! Har har har.
Today I swallowed two pieces of string... Later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT'S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
#NAME?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows
One thing I want before I die, is to totally not be aware of the moment I die.
What's the difference between an American student and an English student ? About 3000 miles !
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If Apple made a car... Would it have windows?
whats a vampires teabag? tampons (used of course)
Did you hear about Princess Diana on the radio? and the windshield.. and the dashboard....
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Why does Elmer Fudd only let Bug's Bunny eat snickers bars? Because silly wabbit, twix are for kids!
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ? She should play the lottery too !
Did you hear about the gay man who got a job at the sperm bank? He was fired for drinking on the job.
A set of jump leads walk into a bar... The barman looks at them, and says, "Alright, I'll serve you, just don't start anything."
What did the black man say to the white kid? Put the gun down!
Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!! I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Warning: racist I saved a drowning black family once ... ... as a JPG.
Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
Q: What do you call four matadors in quicksand? A: Quatro sinko.
A friend asked me to rate the movie "Django" I gave it a 3/5.
I see the 'pet rocks' are back and fighting too! *Rolls in 6ft diameter granite boulder* *Folds arms, taps foot*
I shall final no more forever. -Schooling Bull
Two condoms are walking down the street when they walk by a gay bar. One condom says to the other "Hey man, wanna get shit-faced?"
How can you call it love when you're crying more than smiling.
I told my dad that I heard the U.S. is sending warships to Yemen.. "Sounds like some Yemen-aide..."
War is not the answer Unless, "What is the opposite of peace?" is the question.
I got fired today "what? why?" no idea "you have no idea?" nope "I'm confused when did this happen?" between pre break break and break
I lost 15 pounds by moving my bathroom scales from a hard surface to carpet! Great success!
Guns don't kill people... ...bullets do.
Fuck you, little sticker on produce!
Why is King Joffrey like a mattress? Two twins make a King.
War doesn't determine who is right... It only determines who is left.
What do you call a Jewish piano? A cash register.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
What is Adam Johnson's favourite kill streak? Predator missile
I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder.
My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.
Regarding hungergames mockingjay Who is jay? and why are they always mocking him?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop [flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet] ME: hurricane
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a  light bulb? A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
Offensive Jokes these are the worst jokes ever be warned
John has 400 spiders, he eats 398, what does John have now? Cancer
In light of micheal phelps defeat... You could say he got schooled
*holding my crying child* Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you'll be good and I won't have to make that happen again.
Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in  the whole school. Mother: That's my son. Teacher: Oh! I'm so sorry. Mother: You're sorry?
You couldn't kill Sean Bean if he was wearing a red shirt.
What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic? I forget
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day Set a man on fire and he is warm for a lifetime.
What do you call a pile of kittens? a meowtain!
What do you call a women with one leg? ilene
Asian Keanu arrives at party. Asian Keanu gets bored. Asian Keanu Reeves.
Whats my knee's favourite channel? Dis-knee channel.
Irish Problems.... Q:How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? A: None! (potato famine) Old one, i did not make, nor do i take any credit.
Girl are you the burning bush? Cuz you're hot. And there's no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"
I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work
I'm tired of the Mexicans naming their sons Jesus Jesus was not a Mexican, he was a human being. (Please forgive me)
What's the most important part of a Taliban joke? The execution!
In heaven there is never a line at Chipotle.
The ugly tree Geeze, that's an ugly christmas tree but why do you keep it in the bathroom? That's where I store my toiletries.
Just went too deep with a Q-Tip and now I can't do math.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can't be leaving DNA all over the place.
What kind of doctor is always on call? An oncologist.
The White Stripes Knock, knock! Who's there? Meg White's most complex drumbeat. --- ^(Stolen from 4chan's /mu/ board: http://redd.it/2cl0cw)
Why did the narcissistic cannibal end up in the hospital? Because he was so full of himself.
How many potatoes does it take to kill the Irish? None
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But I turned myself around.
Reddit, help me finish this joke "My baby so fine, she ______"
I'm thinking of something really stupid to tweet -all of us all the time
Who took the spoopy from the spoopy jar? mr skeltal
"Rain, rain, go away, come to a poor African nation watered only by tears." Bono's nursery rhymes are the worst.
People get easily offended these days. You can't even say black paint Instead you have to yell "Jamall, paint my fence"
As it turns out, if you're with a group of people, it's "Christmas caroling." If you do it alone it's "creating a public nuisance."
My grandma coined the term "TC" in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he's actually a bag of Cheetos
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself "would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?"
Sometimes I drink to cure my malaise. If I get drunk this Friday because I am bummed about the end of the world, am I getting sauced because of Mayan-aise?
A man went to see the doctor The doctor told him "you need to stop masturbating" The man asked "why?" The doctor replied "I need to finish the exam"
A man killed himself to find out what the afterlife was like. He was dying to know!
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a monkey? AIDS for humanity
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat
[first day as diving instructor] Guy [from the back]: what's the signal for a shark Me: sharks don't really give signals they just show up
 I'm like a bird, I'll only swim away, I don't know what a bird is 
What's the only thing politicians stand for? Reelection.
How much did Juan weigh after eating Chinese food? Juan ton
If shame burned calories, I'd be back to my birth weight by now
I Googled "James Earl Jones" to see whether or not he's alive and the Wikipedia link was purple from the other times I've done this.
What did the Headless Horseman ask his colleague at Bad Guys Inc.? What do I have to do to get ahead around here?
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O'Shea.
Rape jokes aren't funny. They're always forced.
How to sex: Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button Girl: sure Girl: that's not my belly button Boy: that's not my finger
What is the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu? One requires a tweetment and the other need an oinkment.
Why did the engineer buy a mattress? To sleep under it
what"s the difference between tuna and chicken? a shower
You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don't carry around a shovel
How was the Irish Jig invented? To much beer and not enough bathrooms
Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Three Germans were sitting in a bar telling jokes about WWII. They lost it.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I'll start here and you- Dog cop: I'll mark our territory [dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
At the gun range I was at the gun range the other night with a friend. Friend: "Aren't you going to wear ear protection while we're shooting?" Me: "Nah, my hearing's already shot."
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a* Shitzhu*.
Black joke Santa clause, a child, and an innocent black man jump out of a plane. Who lands first? The child there's no such thing as Santa or an innocent black man
Why do they call it Anal Bleaching ? Surely it should be called changing your Ring Tone.
[1st date] {don't let her know you're Hitler} HER: what are you going to eat? ME: definitely not seafood HER: did u say nazi food? ME: shit
What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel.
How do you pay a bartender? With bar tender.
I hope that fat guy didn't notice me glancing at the weight limit sign on the elevator just now. Or clearing my throat and pointing at it.
I am the guy who keeps posting in the wrong sub! AMA!
Beating up band nerds with witty comebacks *Impales Flutist* "Must be flute poisoning" *Bludgeons French Horn Player* "Am I making you horny?" *Throws Tuba player off cliff* "Tu...bad"
One half of reddit will be mortified, the other will laugh at this joke. What did the south tower say to the north? BRB man, I've got to catch a plane. Im soz.
How come the giant Ape climbed up the side of the skyscraper? The elevator was broken!
What is a gay guy's favorite kind of yogurt? The kind with the fruit on the bottom.
[Bank robbery] *Other robbers jump into getaway van* "DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!" "Okie dokie." * Starts to adjust mirrors*
What does the broken clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ? Pupil: Yes the cow ate all the grass !
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and smell bad.
What is Call of Duty called in Afghanistan? The Sims
What did the two oceans say to each other Nothing.. They waved.
Ill tell you what I know about Dwarves Very little
Have you ever ordered a honeymoon salad? Lettuce Alone.
What program do Jedi use to PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi
$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin' on virgin Indian tears.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. 
People who cheer at concerts when a musician says the name of their city are the most easily impressed people on earth.
Waiter there's a fly in my soup  ! Yes it's the rotting meat that attracts them !
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away
I asked Santa for a Frisbee when I was a kid.... But I was an only child, so he gave me a boomerang.
Is that chili in your pocket, or are you just terrified to see me?
Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
What did the bassist say when he played too high? I'm in treble now
I'd like to give a shout out to those people born in 1932 who are celebrating their 21st birthday today!
Why are pills white? Because they work.
Why had the two algae never had sex? Because they had a planktonic relationship.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog. *son looks at carrot* Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them! Son: This is updoc. Mother: What's-
Don't ask me about my pan pizza... It's personal.
Girls : "Do I look fat?" A girl asked a high-school boy, "Do I look fat?" The boy replied, "Where?" [teenage]
How do birds learn to fly? They just wing it.
A guy walked into a bar. He was brought to the closest hospital quickly.
What's the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30.
Have you seen www.pitchdark.com? Yes but I really couldn't see what all the fuss is about.
I've been writing a joke about the whites, blacks and asians... But it's a bit racey.
Why didn't the bear from the revenant win the Oscar? Because it would've torn Leo up to receive another Oscar loss
Why is a firetruck red? You'd be red too if you had your hose stretched that far
What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp? I don't know. I'm retiring next month.
Who would won in a wrestling match; Lemmy or God? Trick question, lemmy is god... R.I.P. Edit* win not won damnit...
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn't. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Do you know what a Freudian slip is? It's where you say one thing but fuck your mother.
What's long and smells like shit? The unemployment line.
My grandma used to say, "I'll give you something to cry about!", and then she'd toss a severed hand in my lap.
I like to sit on my hand AFTER i jerk off... ..makes me feel like someone else is making me a sandwich.
I watched my first porno film last week.... I looked so much younger then.
Why did the chicken go to the bathroom? That's where all the cocks hang out.
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? They both have wet noses
John Cena Bum buh duh dum. Bum buh duh dum.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
What does a waiter ask a group of Jewish ladies? Q: What does a waiter ask a group of Jewish ladies? A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Why do Africans get scared when they get diarrhea? Because they think they are melting....
3 years ago someone was laying concrete so I put my hand prints in it. Been here ever since.
What do you call an Indian stoner? Man, deep
I just put a girl in the hospital. I'm in charge of hiring new nurses.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Ever wondered what your nose is for? It stops you eyes from sticking together.
So today I got tickets for the Kanye West concert... I misread it horribly though and I ended up somewhere in Africa
I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife... He said good trade...
What do you call a Scottish parrot ? A Macaw !
What's the longest Island in New York? Long Island.
Judging by the size of her models, I'm guessing Victoria's Secret is lots and lots of cocaine.
What is something that is always heard but never seen? A member of the Queen's guard doing a single squat.
what do you call 4 mexicans in a boat with a whole in it? Quattro cinco
I went to a German restaurant... ...and ordered an omelette....I just got a plate with two dots on it!
I went to an 'Army Style training day'... I don't feel any fitter but my boots and bed look immaculate.
Book that helped Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" Student: "My father's check book!"
How many Mexicans are needed to change a light bulb? Juan.
My uncle Robert was a shit ventriloquist He used to stick his hand up my arse and tell me to say nothing
"I am Santa Claus." "No you're not." "Yes I am." "Ok." - Miracle on 34th Street in tweet form.
What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine? A porcupines needle won't give you AIDS
i gave my girlfreind my nine inch nail... and we got closer.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel's so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
People are all like "STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT" and then they shut down and people are all like "COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT"
You wanna hear a joke? Women's rights
What's the best part about banging twenty two year olds? There's twenty of them.
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable? The Wheelchair.
Donald Trump: nobody can out crazy me Lena Dunham: here, hold my beer
Pair of Twins I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?". I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..." "..and Derek has a moustache"
Why couldn't the incontinent man print his documents? He couldn't Ctrl+P
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[leaving a birthday party with my pinata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that "Just take me home"
My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together. Then I saw the swear jar.
So this is what it's like to grow up. Fucking bullshit is what it is.
*knock knock* "Who's there?" *knock knock "I said, 'Who's there?'" *knock knock "......Hello?" ......*doorknob jiggles "The fuck?!"
Why Can't You Play UNO With Mexicans? They keep stealing the goddamn green cards.
A man carrying a tombstone walked up to a skeleton taking a break from his casket. He asked the skeleton, "Is it okay if I leave this tombstone here?" The skeleton replied, "Yes, over my dead body."
What gets wetter the more you dry it? A woman with a towel fetish
Hoo-dini And now I wait..........
So my mobile phone company forced me to upgrade my 3G phone to a 4G one. I couldn't withstand the pressure.
My parents caught me masturbating. I wasn't ashamed, I was startled - I almost dropped their wedding picture.
No democratic debate on Christmas Day The democratic presidential hopefuls signed a statement not to debate on Christmas Day. It was a Barry Sanders-clause
2 walruses walk into a bar.. the first walrus is swearing and acting extremly obnoxious, the second walrus turns to him and says "tusk tusk" Gotta love dad jokes
My teacher actually said this to us before out computing exam... Pupil: "Will we be able to use the calculator in the exam?" Sir: "No, it will be disabled just like you" No joke, he actually said that
Why did Night fall? Because Day tripped him.
Someone complimented me on my driving today They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let's not rush into things.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
The Worst Striker by Mr Goal
*yawning at an art museum* "I already saw that on Tumblr."
I wouldn't eat food cooked by aliens because they cum in peas!
I'm giving up spray deodorants for the new year Roll on 2017
What scratches the window before it explodes? A baby in a microwave
Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale? It's the most basic drink there is.
Which lake is named after the Cleveland Steamer? Titicaca
I never point fingers at anyone. Though I do have a box of human fingers that I slingshot at people when I feel like blaming them for shit.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent. All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
What do slutty women and Windows have in common? They're both backwards compatible.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
When you give up and stop believing in yourself, it's much easier to worship and idolize another. That's how ass kissing and celebrity worshiping begins.
Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests? They've got a Taipei personality
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn't over once you reach land.
If you ever feel useless... Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.
What did the cake say to the knife? You want a piece of me?!?
Click for Joke! You're good looking.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i'm not a virgin... i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Im absolutely exhausted, would you believe I have spent all week road testing penny farthings..... My feet haven't touched the ground.
What do you call a cow with no nipples Yomama #getrekt
Since I installed adblock, my popularity with hot girls in my area has plummeted
Where did Sally go when the bombs fell? Everywhere.
What do you call an epileptic in a bush? Russell
So a waitress pours coffee on a mans hat He says, "I'll send you the bill."
Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank? He was drinking on the job.
How did Osama Bin Laden feed his kids (OC) Here comes the aeroplane...
Personal space is a concept I did not understand in Kindergarten I guess that's why they fired me.
What's the difference between a duck? One of it's legs are both the same.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff.
If a blind girl ever tells you that you have a big cock She's probably just pulling your leg.
What do they call aborted fetuses in Prague? Cancelled Czechs.
Wanna hear a joke about my cawk? never mind its too long
Why are gay men so rude? Because they're fucking assholes.
Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.
Q: What's the richest kind of air? A: A millionaire.
I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Hey, thanks for making sure "Nazi" is capitalized, iPhone. Way to honor them.
Children Fever Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a child molester? Alien vs Predator
Whats a Mexicans Favorite sport? Cross-Crountry
How does Hitler like his orange juice? Freshly squeezed.
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, i just got laid by a chick.
A hispanic man with a rubber toe His name...was Roberto
You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education. I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.
My New Year's Resolution 1920 x 1080
June 1885 - The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions. Future IKEA magnate: "That gives me an idea."
What lottery did the broom win? The sweepstakes.
Have you ever met that one guy you really want to punch in the face? Turns out punching a mirror is painful for your hand.
More people die from drug overdose than guns... Because guns can't take drugs.
What's the worst thing Willie Nelson can tell you while giving you a handjob? I'm not Willie Nelson
What do pirates do with their treasure in the winter? They BURy it
Why did the kangaroo love the little  Australian bear? Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
It's racist how they always put Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd in a bad neighborhood.
I texted someone "hell yeah," but autocorrect changed it to "hell year" because even our phones know.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If the secret ingredient in Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte was the tears of underprivileged children, white people would still drink it.
One man's whore is another man's whore.
The chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't. He was to chicken.
WAITER:What would you like? ME:What would YOU like? W:Excuse me? M:No one ever asks you, do they? W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.
Do you know what else are nazis? The other 25 letter of the alphabet.
Why was the Queen of Horses hated by her subjects? Because she was too ahoof.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
A third grader opens the door and yells to his mom. "Mom! Today I found out I have a bigger penis than all the other kids!" "That's because you're 23, Tyrone."
What's the difference between three penises and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
I hate it when girls say the wrong name during sex They know my name isn't someone help
Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can..." *turns into penguin* "DAMMIT I WASN'T FINISHED!"
What kind of fish is made from two sodium atoms? A 2na
A drummer with no feet spoke poorly of the lead singer. His articulations were baseless.
I hate One Direction fans... Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.
What two things should people stop shaking because shaking hurts these things development? Polaroid Integral Film and Babies
Haegel, Nietzsche and Aristotle walk into a bar... Why?
Jesus Christ excrement unearthed in Isreal.... "Well, Holy Shit!"
What do you call a master at guessing Anime characters? Guesu
[Offensive] How do you offend homeless people? By telling them knock knock jokes!
A condom doesn't guarantee safe sex. My friend was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
I met a girl with 12 nipples Sounds funny, dozen tit?
If Gravemind from Halo did product placement... We exist / Together now Two corpses / In one grave Burma-Shave
Let's take all the bad science jokes... And barium.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Cops are looking for a fat bank robber. He's still at large.
What is a gay orc's favorite gay bar to go to? MANFLESH.
Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Don't give people who take selfies a hard time they're just trying to save face
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume...
The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent.
Next week I have an MRI scheduled to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.
I'll never forget my grandfather last words to me "Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!"
mom: I'm not your friend I'm your mother! [20 years later] mom: why won't you accept my friend request on FB? I'm your mother
My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love... which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome.
My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.
I'm on a whiskey diet. You should try it, I've lost 3 days already.
A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"
[Sci fi movie] How did you travel such a distance so fast? "I went through a wormhole." Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
What beer do elderly rednecks drink? Silver Mullet
A man tries to buy a trampoline... but his check bounces.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty  contest? She was the beast of the show!
Twitter's new "local" feature tells me that "goodmorning" and "nowthatsghetto" are trending here in Washington. Wow. This is a game-changer.
Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Women think they are smart for faking orgasm Men fake whole relationships just to get sex.
What is Relative Humidity? The sweat on your balls when you screw your cousin.
So, a snake walks into a bar.... And the bartender asks in surprise "how'd you do that?!"
When I search Canadian cats in Google... It just gives me a bunch of lynx.
Fist bumping high fives since 94'
Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank espresso before it was cool.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool* "Warning, what you're about to see may shock you!" Hey! What are y- *touches live wire to water*
4/10 Teachers in the UK 'assaulted by pupils' This is terrible... Go for us in assemblies, we're all grouped up. You can't miss!
What's the difference between a feminist and a computer? You can punch information into a computer.
What's the difference between Rutgers and Rikers? One turns young people into horrible human beings and the other is jail.
A dying man looks up into his wife's eyes and says, "Honey, before I go I have something I need to tell you." To which she replies, "I already know, dear. That's why I poisoned you."
7 has started saying "your life just got better," whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid's strong-suit.
So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!!  Said no one, ever...
sew myself into an anime body pillow, trick some unsuspecting outcast into loving a human. the ultimate prank
[morning] her: did you dream about me? me: that depends...are you a member of the Backstreet Boys? her: umm no me: then no
People from Wisconsin always make... Cheesy jokes.
Someone tried to tell me a joke in real life and it went on and on and on for like 3 sentences.
[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.
I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
A Man Walks Into A Bra... Dyslexia's a bitch, ain't it.
Has the passing of the holidays left you feeling alone in the world, unloved and depressed? Don't worry, Valentine's Day is coming right up!
Kanye West is opening up a breakfast restaurant... Omelette You Finish
What do you get is you cross a ghost with a  packet of potato chips? Snacks that go crunch in the night.
What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, "Blocked," I laugh and laugh and then go check.
One Liner I've smoked so much pot the zig zag man has a tattoo of me on his arm. [Jokes] #jokes
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert? Me: I think we should see other people.
In Soviet Russia, tired joke format tweets YOU.
My 3yo's bedtime stories include: "Three-Hour Run-On Sentence," followed by, "Ask For a Drink 500 Times," and finally, "You Skipped a Page."
An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either.
I'm pretty happy that human skin isn't see-through.
"How was the beach? You hang ten or what?" No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Ramen again? This guy's a mess. -mice in my kitchen
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
*pounding on her chest* DON'T DIE ON ME KAREN! *pounds harder* (sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT! CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
7 days without a pun... Makes one weak.
Why don't paperclips move around a lot? They like being stationery.
Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese? Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.
Me: How are you feeling Grandpa? Grandpa: Oh you know with my hands mostly.
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon? The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.
How many days are there in Canadian February? About Twenty, eh.
Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz? Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs
I like my women like I like my coffee From that cheap place down on the corner.
I just gave birth... I had a cow.
I'm starting a prostitution ring for ex-cops.... I'm calling it Fuck The Police.
Shockingly True What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Helen: Mum do you know what I'm going to  give you for your birthday? Mum: No dear what ? Helen: A nice teapot. Mum: But I've got a nice teapot. Helen: No you haven't. I've just dropped it.
I've heard of sleepwalking on Ambien but the cabbie dropped me off and seems I flew to New Mexico, got peyote, ate a burrito, and flew back.
I ALSO wrote a poem! ''I do drugs, you do drugs, we do drugs, they do drugs'' Now, I know it's not the best, but it's pretty dope.
So a guy walks into a cow Moo
How do you paint a wall with dead babies? It depends how hard you throw them.
God and the devil were arguing with each other... ... God says to him "I've had it! I'm taking you to court." The devil says back "yeah? Well where are you going to get a lawyer?"
What're nuts on a wall? Bob: What are nuts on a wall? Dan: walnuts? Bob: What are nuts on a chest? Dan: Chestnuts? Bob: What are nuts on your chin? Dan: Chinnuts? Bob: No, dick in your mouth!
How many Mexicans does it take to build a....... oh shit, they're done.
Whats green and goes round and round at 100 miles an hour ? A frog in a blender !
Germanwings 'Knock Knock' joke. *Knock Knock* Who's there? *A Germanwings pilot* A Germanwings pilot who? **LUBITZ, LET ME IN GODDAMNIT, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH THE PLANE!!**
There are two types of people I can't stand. Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what the hell they're whispering about.
I don't have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression... ...unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.
Bruce Jenner jokes Let's get these rolling!!
Some dark humor... Knock knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER FORGET!
As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe Roberto
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake... and standing outside your door... and playing the harmonica.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Why did the baker have smelly hands? ...because he kneaded a poo.
I heard diarrhea is hereditary It runs in your jeans
A Chicken and an Egg are laying in bed together. The chicken takes an unsatisfied drag on her cigarette and says "Well. I guess we answered that question."
I like my coffee how I like my Death Stars: Gigantic, on the Dark Side and powerful enough to destroy a planet.
She can't leave if you're wearing all of her clothes.
American insults must be awkward in french The word douche in douchebag translates to shower
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
One fish, two fish, red fish WHO LEFT THEIR BLOODY TAMPON IN THE FUCKING FISHBOWL?
A man says, " It's raining cats and dogs!" The Chinese man comes out of his house with his chopsticks immediately...
My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free... This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Why is a Christmas tree like a bridegroom? After the big day, its balls are the first thing to come off.
I wanted to tell a joke about a blind people.. ..I figured they wouldn't see it.
A Japanese teenager approaches his father nervously... "Dad, I have to tell you something. Please don't be upset, but I'm gay." "How could I not be upset?! Why not gay plus!?"
I once made an error in little league, When I signed up to play.
If your online dating profile says "I don't have sex on the first date" then that's why you're on a dating website.
What do you call a one legged female pirate? ARRRRlene...
Day 1: Brad wears no pants Day 2: Brad wears no pants Day 3: Brad wears no pants ... ... This is just a bottomless Pitt
Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw  the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day!
What's a pirates favorite letter? "argh..." "NO, IT BE THE SEA"
All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.
What song people listen to while jumping off skyscrapers? Let the bodies hit the floor by Drowning Pool.
Everyone is freaking out about all these glasses that glow under a backlight... ... But my sheets have been glowing under backlights since I was 14
I'll never understand why anyone would buy one of those flesh-colored Volkswagen beetle cars, it's like driving a giant testicle.
The last words of my gym teacher: "All spears to me!"
How come there are no Olympics in Mexico? Because all of the Mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in America.
When the machines rise up against us humans, I really hope ... ...I really hope I'm nowhere near a dildo factory...
What do you call a greedy crab? Shell fish......
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I'll put some clothes on too.
Why didn't the feminist picnic work out? because they all refused to make sandwiches.
Good comedy is like health insurance Some just can't get it
55 in a 25 and let's just say I wasn't referring to my driving.
My dishwasher broke down and stopped working So I remarried
You want to know a neat trick to get yourself to stop being annoyed by a baby crying? Close the lid to the dumpster.
"I hate hashtags!" Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I say 'everything' includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily.
Why did the investment bankers start dating? Compound interest
The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because... he knows where all the bad girls live. :3
Damn girl , are you a TV ?? Because you got all eyes on you !
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
What is the favourite meal of pakistani taliban members? Tikka Malala
whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i'll hack into their security cameras real fast [types "job openings" into google]
What did the city say to its father before it left for Mexico? Ciudad
My boss refused to give me a raise until I whipped him with my belt. It took some feirce negotiating, but he finally buckled.
So Miley Cyrus was hospitalized after an allergic reaction. Apparently the ecstasy she took was made in a facility which also processes tree nuts.
You ever notice most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front? Probe, Explorer, Excursion...
People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.
[NSFW] My wife and I kept on arguing about who should be on top of whom during sex. Now I'm not saying I won, but I came out on top
Why was Noah such a compelling character? He had a good ark.
Why Donald Trump might win the election but resign on the first day? He finds out he has to move in to a small house in a black neighborhood!
Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing... You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.
What do Australians call the state in which Sydney is located? (nsfw) New South Fucking Wales
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives
Knock Knock. Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who?
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw
what's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke? your mom can't take a joke.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Let the bitch cook in the dark!!!
Bro. It's not ladies man, it's ladies' man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.
Q: Why couldn't Batman go fishing? A: Because Robin ate the worms.
Greeting card [cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer's [inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer's
"I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!" Brain: LOL Empty bottles: LOL Wine shop owner: LOL New bottle: LOL Bottle opener: LOL Liver: LOL Me: LOL
I'm disappointed *The Social Network* movie about Facebook didn't have an epic Farmville scene.
What do you call a female roach with a weiner? A transpestite.
Are you a bandicoot? Because I would crash for you.
This is not a joke. All of the jokes here suck and or are reposts.
What do you call the stupidest fish in the sea? A dumb bass.
Noah's ark. A side story. An elephant asks a dinosaur: -Did Noah send you a friend request on facebook? -No ............. -That's bad...
What disease do you get from kissing birds? Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. They say it's untweetable.
What's the difference between a movie rental machine and several prehistoric towns? One is Redbox, the others are Bedrocks.
Why don't mexicans have barbeques? the beans keep slipping through the grill.
This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.
"Bacon gives you cancer" is the 2015 version of "touching yourself causes blindness."
My parents raised me as an only child... Which really upset my sister
What do University of Miami, Florida State, and University of Florida football fans have in common? None attended the University of Miami.
Read this in an email by the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) - science joke "This newsletter is printed from 100% recycled electrons."
Bath time without my phone: 10 minutes Bath time with my phone: 45 minutes 75 retweets 1 wrinkly baby
Today I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!
Autocorrect can be a real birch. Dammit!
The programmer to his son: "Here I brought you a new basketball." "Thank you daddy but where is the user's guide?"
What does a cynical Irishman drink? Whiskey sour
So my dad was all "stop eating my pills" and then I was like "stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp"
A Russian guy goes for an eye test The doctor tells him to read the following : MHXYHDGUGNKAZ. Then the Russian says,"Read this? I even know that guy, he is my cousin's friend.
My dad asked me if I wanted to join an acapella group in college I told him I was straight.
What does a bunny do to a bank? Rabbit
Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.
dont read space facts to try to calm yourself down bc it doesnt work.for example the moon is not round it is shaped like an egg. im furious
What's the difference between a shi-tzu and a community organizer? Zu.
How many Patriots fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They're fine sucking each other's dicks in the dark. Preemptive edit: Not my joke.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job." - Tim Vine, King of the one liners.
Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.
This tweet is made from 100% recycled characters.
What is the cutest car? A BM-cuddle-U
Just saw the Lego Movie... ...it was very well *pieced* together! (Got this off Doug Benson's 'Doug Loves Movies' podcast)
Why do elephants hide behind trees? To trip ants.
How do you know your at a gay BBQ? The hotdogs taste like shit.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant] Me: Is the fish fresh here? Waiter: Yes *from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My penis was fired today... so if anyone has any openings I can fill, let me know.
There isn't anything that keeps you awake at night like a case of the what ifs.
If you can't hang Don't be a runaway slave
I told my girlfriend I could use a little pussy She said "me too, mine's as big as a house." Credit: Predator (1987)
GEEK BOOTY CALL... CHARISMA Looks like somebody rolled a 20 on their Charisma check!
A midget psychic broke out of prison. Now there's a small medium at large.
How did Jared Fogel lose 60 pounds? He broke up with his girlfriend.
God's plan to use wasps to pollinate didn't work out. So he had to resort to Plan Bee.
Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house? He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.
I like my rum like I like my women Twelve years old and mixed up with Coke.
I thought making cheese was hard. But it was a brie-eze.
A grizzly mauled a guy in an elevator... but I couldn't bear to see it go down.
Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this. Doctor: You're not doing anything. You're just sitting there being alive. Me: Exactly.
What do landfills and hookers have in common? Uncovered loads cost double
"Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!" - Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
What kind of fruit is also a vegetable? Elton John in a coma.
What do people say when you win a game in Egypt? Game, *Set,* and match.
Jesus loves you. A wonderful thing to hear in church. A terrible thing to hear in jail.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey
I am so drunk, i'm going to regreddit tomorrow! regReddit GET IT? wow, this is as dry as california.
Why did the scare crow win the award? He was out standing in his field. This has Always been my favourite pun.
I did bad and I should feel bad What do you call a group of dead, visually impaired people? Horizontal blinds.
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
My wife said I needed to grow up I was speechless It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My friend asked me what I thought about Internet message boards. I said "I'm all forum"
Doritos has a new snack called "Taco Explosion" so I'm suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
What language does a boxer who punches jokes speak? Punjabi-ng.
My mum showed my girlfriend my baby photos. "You haven't changed at all," said my girlfriend. "Alright mum," I said, "that's enough of the naked ones."
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? (snicker) *You don't know?*
Assorted nuts... ...was the name of the insane asylum.
What is long, pink, and drags along the ocean floor? Moby's Dick
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I'm going to be furious.
Guess what came in the mail today? Deez nuts. HAH GOT EM!
When's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty (2:30)
What's the best part of two lesbians marrying? Two cooks in the house.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Ayeee-Matey
Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don't have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries
Did you hear about the new cologne Chris Brown put out? I heard it was a real hit with the ladies.
Guys GUYS wait! Stay awake, for God's sake stay awake because I just found out if you die on Twitter YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE!
Nice shoes They really stand out
Difference between a prostitute and a slut The prostitute sleeps with everybody. The slut sleeps with everybody except me.
What do you call an earthquake in NYC? Harlem Shake.
Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night. Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.
Strap-on If you're thinking of purchasing a strap-on, you don't want to rush into the decision...you're going to be stuck with it for life.
A Texan goes to a car dealership He sees a car he likes and says "Gee that's a byoot!" The Dealer responds "That's not a Buick that's a Honda!"
Boobs are the original WMD's. Weapons of Man's Destruction.
what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they'd have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose
A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?" His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
I was almost in a devil's threesome once, but at the last minute the other guy backed out. So i looked at the girl and said... "Well that's a load off your back"
When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I'm gone
Of course I believe you are God's gift to women. He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I visited my friend in his flat He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I've ever purchased.
How do you end world hunger? Put Turkey in Greece to cook it, then cut it up and put it into Chile. Then put it on China and give it to Hungary.
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve
[finds sock with hole in it] *gets angry* [puts sock back in same drawer] *repeats forever*
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My girlfriend is like an 07 Nappa Valley Pinot Noir Full-bodied and matured, pairs well with meat, and has a smooth, aromatic aftertaste
HALF-LIFE 3 CONFIRMED!!!!! lol
Remember: if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving ...
Chuck Norris once screamed "bloody murder" in sign language for the hearing impaired.
What do you call a gay guy in a coma? A watermelon.
What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading
What do you call a waterfall that flows upwards? Viagra falls!
Ramadan is the only time I can get a date every night
Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
What's your favorite joke? mine's Womens Rights.
What do you get with a corduroy condom? A groovy kind of love.
[Racist] What does a black women do after having a water birth? Flush the toilet.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My IB Extended Essay is like a hot slut. I have to do it, and it sucks balls.
Why is Santa always happy? Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It's now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
A lot of rappers had Diddy issues when they were growing up.
My drug dealer just bought me a new pair of sneakers for Christmas I can't tell what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
Three ways to tell if you're dating an Octopus: 1. They give awesome hugs 2. They have no skeleton 3. Every date is at the aquarium
Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.
[GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My Ex told me I overanalyse things... I'd believe her but she uses that excuse 19.3% of the time.
One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them. Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife." Both men ran away.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
Back in my day, we didn't have Twitter, Facebook, or even the internet. Guys would have to walk uphill for days to tell me that I'm gay.
Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way. Trying to get into smaller pants.
Woah guys, did you hear Oxygen and Magnesium got together? OMg!
There once was a zoo with only one animal... It was a Shih Tzu
My friend told me it's impossible to avoid cops But I know there's waze.
My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.
*sneezes* "MY DUST COLLECTION!"
A world renowned chef undercooked the meat It was a rare misteak
Madonna is tryin to get Spice Girls back together. Only condition is she gets to join them. They gonna call her Old Spice.
The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.
[breaking up yet another fight] Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters? 6-year-old: Because I always win.
What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both had kurds in their way. (Curds in their whey.) ***This joke is phonetically superior to its' written version.
If 40 is the new 20, does that mean 20 is the new 10, and if so, do I need to delete these photos off my phone?
I keep having these fantasies about the beautiful Lottery Lady on Saturday Evening TV ... .... No, not about winning the jackpot, I'm imagining her holding my balls in her hands.
Me: *puts ferret in box with cat* Mom: What are you doing? Me: Making carrets! Mom: Carrots? Me: Yup! *plays Barry White* Cat: *yowls*
What's the main ingredient when making pickle bread? Dill dough.
Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.
One Wish If I was a governor the first thing I'd do, is make having a family garden an excessive tax write-off: and I'd have the most beautiful state ever.
Why do smarter people last longer when having sex? Because it takes twice as long to fuck their brains out
Ever hear of Henry, Santa's brown nosed reindeer? He is just as fast as Rodolph but couldn't stop as quickly.
Knock knock? Who's there? ...It's Johnny, grandma... A single tear rolled down the boys face. Alzheimers was taking its hold on her.
I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
How many hipsters... does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
I hope no one tells the kids in Africa we have forums on our computers where we can just complain about stuff.
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" *Hitler rubs chin* So mine less. [GRAMMAR NAZI BUSTS IN] "MINE FEWER." [Hitler looks up] Yes?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell "Thank You "just to leave them hanging.
To avoid identity theft when I die I want to be shredded.
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.
my resume is just one page that reads, "i really need money, you guys," in an over-sized comic sans font.
How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
A mailman delivers mail, and a milkman delivers milk. I'm a lineman. **I deliver lines.**
What is the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
What did the hillbilly say when he saw the new C7 Vette? NAS-car
What do you say when Al Gore writes computer code? He's writing an Algorithm!
Dr. Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition... It seems he wildly misunderstood the rules.
Don't read this if you don't like sensitive topics Biting into an ice cream
I was the principle subject in a lengthy experiment on laziness They told me the results but I couldn't be fucked listening.
If the election were held today, a lot of people would be like, "I thought the election was on November 6th."
Parents, talk to your kids about grammar. Forget drugs and sex, they'll learn that shit on the streets.
Someone with a thick Italian accent walks up to a man and says "I really like europeanness."
What do Lewinsky, Monroe, and Reddit have in common? They all went down on a President.
What did the seamen say to his friend? It was a long road, but I ended up coming out a head.
"You are what you eat" [Eats a confident person] Now we wait...
What's the difference between incest porn and regular porn? The mute button.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a rapist? A rapist doesn't waste time beating around the bush
If maxi pad commercials didn't exist, us women would have no idea that we're full of blue windshield wiper fluid.
"Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew? You have to stand at the back of the gas chamber
"Give it to me", she screamed "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now" "Fuck off", I said "this is my umbrella"
[first date] Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole Her: I know how juice boxes work Mom: well isn't she a feisty one?
Have you ever eaten out a Chinese girl on her period? I hear it's a delicacy in some cultures. They call it Egg Drop Soup.
If you cross a telephone and a lobster  what will you get? Snappy talk.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other needs oinkment
I did my foreign country report on Ethiopia. It was really easy, I didn't even have to bring the class food.
When on a school trip, somebody pissed in the shower. It really ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
I'm going to make a movie about the raid to steal Osama Bin Laden's porn stash. 'Zero-Dick-Thirty'.
'Come over,' she begged. 'I need you right now!' 'Just turn it off and on again,' he sighed. He hated these late night rebooty calls.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved. And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My best toys run on batteries
my friend told me onions are the only food that make you cry.. so I smacked him in the face with a watermelon. &lt;_&lt;
Yo mama is like the gas station. Pump and Pay.
Why do squirrels have bushy tails? To keep their nuts warm.
An older gentlemen wins a scratch ticket Win for life
"That's one small step for man. That's one open fridge for man. That's one good sandwich for-" "Neil! Stop." "I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET"
How often do I make a chemistry joke? Periodically.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don't is not the abbreviation for donut
"You Americans are so uptight!"  dude from Europe who just kissed your girlfriend on the mouth
Steve Irwin lived the way he died... With animals in his heart.
Apparently when your wife says "let's make a baby," she doesn't mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink? The Alaskan Bull Worm.
Did you hear about the Circus fire? Yea, it was in tents.
A stepdad should be called a "Faux Pa."
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way
A priest with a lisp offered to bring a roamin' Catholic to Paris ... The Catholic, bread in hand, was not impressed.
What supervillain do you know the least about? Loki , because he is low-key.
I'm okay with "lol", I'm cool with "omg", I even tolerate "rofl", but "smh" needs to gtfo.
I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.
What do you call a frenchman in the World Cup Final? A referee
Sanders supporters are like... that kid in class that gets Fs and Ds the whole semester and then says "If I get a 100 on the final I can still get a C"
Freddy thought he was the true nightmare until he met Chuck Norris who roundhouse kicked and from that day Freddy hides in fear thinking a nightmare in texas
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I used to be addicted to soap But im clean now
I was so ugly when I was born, The doctor smacked my mother!
What is Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number? Nought two sixty.
5yo slooowly walks by: "Hi, mom and dad." 4yo slooowly walks by: "Hi, mom and dad." CODE RED CODE RED
How many doors are on a chicken coop? Two. If there were four, it would be a chicken sedan
You know what they say... 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
What did the Doe say when she walked out of the bushes? I'll never do that for two bucks again.
I'd read a book written by the person who pushes the room service cart into people's hotel rooms.
You wanna hear a joke? Me attempting to tell a funny joke.
I have a new low score on the Wells Fargo game I downloaded on my iPhone.
Unlike his famous father, Lord Kelvin's son never amounted to much. He was an absolute zero.
Q: Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him? A: To see how long he slept.
Yo momma so fat you can see the entire couch behind her due to gravitational lensing.
Me: I want a pet dragon! Life: HERE'S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.
Being a vegatarian is a missed-steak!
What happened when the cannibal ate the  speaking clock? It repeated on him.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My friend was frozen to absolute zero... He's pretty 0K with it.
They say that endorphins make you happy... and blind orphans make you sad.
Thank God there are no Bible verses shorter than 140 characters.
Reasons why it's bad that Justin Bieber is retiring: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Are hamburgers male? Yes because they're boygers not girlgers!
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar... ...Then things got tense.
Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day And it's even better if the uber has heated seats
My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I've never had anyone at hello.
Sleep It's better than the rest
Hey, smiling strangers. No thanks.
Thank God It's Monday" ~ My Liver
I named my hard drive "Dat Ass" So every month or so my computer asks me if I wanna back dat ass up
The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate "fuck you" to trees.
Why are most male politicians gay? They can only mandate.
Why you shouldn't ask Napoleon for money He's a bit short
Real ghost niggas eat the BOOty
Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
I just read Jared Fogle was assaulted in prison He was also a-peppered and covered in lettuce. Don't know if the story has any meat to it.
Waiter what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae ? Skiing sir !
*into earpiece during date* Ok now maintain eye contact No not that kind of contact Bro do not touch her eyes Get your eye away from hers
Sometimes on a clear cool night I look at the stars for hours and wonder what cool things I'd be doing if my Internet weren't down.
Where do the sith get their clothes? Darth Mall
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I'm totally nailing his mom.
LPT: If you ever find yourself lost in the wild... ...simply misspell the SOS signal and some arsehole will show up within minutes to correct you.
Last night me and and my girlfriend watched three movies back-to-back.. Luckily I was the one facing the TV!
I thought landlady was the opposite of mermaid?
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Drive-thru 4. Fried
My friends daughter just recently turned 9 years old and has started asking him those embarrassing questions about sex. Hell, just this morning she asked him "is that the best you can do?"
What's Chris Martin's favorite drink? Apple Martini
What do acids hate Lyes
If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?
I had an out-of-body-wash experience in the shower today.
Pamela Anderson turns 43 today but her tits are barely old enough to buy a drink in this city.
After #Brexit, the pound crashed... ...it's down to ten ounces.
I couldn't bear it anymore. Lol. - Bear suicide note.
My family tells me that I talk in my sleep almost every night.. But they don't say anything like that to me at work.
Why can't the blonde get her drivers license? Everytime the car stops, she wants to jump in the backseat.
The longest Joke is worth the read http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
What is Canadian graffiti like? Canadian graffiti be like, F WORD (sorry)
I thought chiropractors were a waste of money But I stand corrected.
Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
What's the difference between garbanzo beans an chickpeas? I don't have to play $50 for a garbanzo bean in my face.
What do you call a geologist who can't hear? Stone deaf...
The tourist: "Can you tell me why  so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park  Sites?"
I married a hot girl from China So I can eat Chinese every night!
What do you call a wolf with Stockholm Syndrome? A Dog.
My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery... He can't fly
FOX NEWS: ONE WINTER STORM DISPROVES GLOBAL WARMING BUT MORE THAN A BILLION PEACEFUL MUSLIMS ARE AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today... ...It is already tomorrow in Australia.
I've come to realize that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it, It always belongs to the uglier one.
If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I'm a mathematician.
What do you call a Japanese Transvestite? Nip Tuck
Why did the orange go to the doctor? Because she wasn't peeling very well... All credit to my 8 yo son who suggested I post it here
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don't have kids
What do you call a stupid ant? Antwerp.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I asked my friend from North Korea how it was to live there. He said he couldn't complain.
I lost a Scrabble game today when my opponent played the word "Clitoris". I was amazed at how fast he found it.
I said this to a mom I met at the park If you were a Galaxy, you'd be the Milfy Way.
My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!
The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it's a bit much.
I like the way baseball players pick up each other's bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.
You lost your phone when its' on silent? well too bad! If you liked it, you should have put a RING on it.
You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today... ...while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of  driving...
Jesus take the wheel Carlos take the stereo, Manuel get the seats and I'll be the Juan on watch.
Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
What's the best part about getting AIDS You can only catch it once.
After My Music Lesson, My Teacher Said I Should Be Tenor Tenor twelve feet away from her.
I don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
"Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!" - aaaaaaaaand hospital.
I try not to spend too much time online... ...but Wi-Fight it?
What's the difference between light and hard? You can fall asleep with a light on.
Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't get offended by this joke
What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to fish? Mer-curious
'Hit me with your pet shark' #RuinAn80sSong
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you're drunk enough
A cool thing about me is that I have 3 academic degrees and only several more dollars in the bank
I took my new dog to a Veterinarian. He went in Samoyed but came out Husky.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
If you want to get rich why should you keep your mouth shut? Because silence is golden.
A husband and his wife. "honey I have a confession to make. I've been seeing a psychiatrist" "Thats's okay dear" the wife replied. "I've been seeing the pool man and our daughter's basketball coach"
I like to think that the lead singer of Limp Bizkit sorts out his own affairs before seeing to other peoples... Durst's things First
Making an effort in 2013 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: "Would you like to hol-" Leo: "Say it like we rehearsed it." Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."
You know what screw programming C-out
What's an asexual person's favorite thing to do in the bedroom? Fuckin' nothin'.
Me: Where's your maternity section? Her: Over there. How far along is she? Me: Her? I'm shopping for my Thanksgiving pants. Her...
The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
3 drunk men walked into a bar, but another man came with them. He ducked.
A man enters a pun contest... He writes down 10 puns and puts them into a hat thinking at least one of them would win. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
"Ooh, a new friend request...who the hell is Iqbal???"
They say faith can't move mountains But I've seen what it can do to skyskrapers
When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
If Hilary and Trump are stranded on a raft in the ocean, who survives? America. America survives.
Why did the girl bring 2 basketballs to the basketball game? Because there was 2 basketball courts. DUH!
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shihtzu
Why can't Boy Scouts be MLG? Because they're campers.
People that don't tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened... Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brown? Artificial intelligence.
Ehhhhh! I lost all my money in a Fonzie scheme.
wooden leg named smith My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She didn't have her seatbelt on
Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon? There was no atmosphere
I like my coffee how I like my women. Without some other guys dick in it.
I am still at a loss over Hillary Clinton's defeat and I emailed my consolations to her, but never got a response Do I need to call FBI to look into it
Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I heard "...and that's when the fight started." jokes today for the first time. What's your best one?
Last year I asked a girl out, this year I'd ask her to marry me but... the restraining order is still in effect...
[1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand
What is the difference between Donald Trump and Chris Christie? When things go south,Trump burns bridges, Christie just shuts them down.
never trust quotes from the Internet ~Abraham Lincoln
My answering machine message: "I have caller ID, please don't leave a message, I will not be returning your call." No beep, just a foghorn.
They call it The "I'm listening". They call it The Dr. Crane. They call it... ... tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
My apartment looks like a Sims house before you figure out the cheat code for unlimited money.
Have you seen the clown that hides from ugly people? I thought not...
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it's gone
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant? Resistance if feudal
On Passive-Aggressive Jeopardy, the contestants answer Alex Trebek in the form of rhetorical questions.
Where do babies come from? Well, when a man and a woman drink alcoholic beverages together...
Why don't gays like to play hide-and-seek? Because everyone knows they're in the closet
I think I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start eating.
I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.
Why did the feminist cross the road? To shout and scream at a gentleman who held the door for a lady.
Stores and their non-secular agendas have switched from selling Christmas stuff to Valentine's Day stuff, completely ignoring Toyotathon.
So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69. Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.
"What's that?" - My new boss. He's very deciduous" "Decisive?" - Nope. I carved him from a potted tree. *squirrel peeks out of his mouth*
Borderline Crazy!!! A passenger plane crashes on the border of Tanzania and Kenya. Where are the survivors buried?
[dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I'm craving kale Me: I'll pick
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club Thank you all for coming.
What happens when the president of the United States has to use the bathroom? The state of alert in the White House rises to Defecate 2.
"I suppose you have to live somewhere." - A more accurate motto for the state of Utah.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What happens when libertarians and honey badgers don't give a shit together? An ex-lax shortage
I hear Donald Trump is going to ban cans of parmesan cheese... ..he's going to make America grate again.
So a horse comes into a bar... wait crap, I meant a guy... So this horse cums in to a guy (credit to cyanide and happiness)
I blame Picasso for all these women who use markers to draw on their eyebrows.
Q: Why does a dog wag it's tail? - A: No one else will do it for them
[at funeral] Me: "I'm sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice" Widow: "please no.... Me: "you have my gondolances"
Why are hurricane names female because they are destructive until you go inssiiiddee.... came up with this while i was on the water
''You will die alone.'' I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Which African country has the most obese inhabitants? Burkina Fatso
Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming "Are you sleeping?!?!"
chemistry What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? "HeHe"
Why can't the Philippines field an ice hockey team? The players all drowned in spring training.
Obviously we have our own shitty lives to worry about now but it would be fun to all move into a Twitter nursing home in 50 years.
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for "best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??"
A cowboy goes into a shop to buy condoms Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
midget in the library midget walks into a library and ask do you have any books on irony? the librarian replies sure they are on the top shelf
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? 'Cause I stepped on it.
Obama supporters are like Christmas lights... Half of them don't work and the other half aren't very bright.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
I have often wanted to drown my sorrows. But, I can't get my wife to go swimming.
A satyr walks into a bar... (that's the whole joke)
What kind of fruit isn't allowed to get married? A cantaloupe.
My son keeps putting out the fire in the fireplace Should I take him out of there?
Wanna hear a pun about a sausage? It's the Wurst.
A Grek and an Italian go into a restaurant Who pays? The German. Haha
German vegetarians are real pessimists. They fear nothing but the wurst!
So I made a Guardians of the Galaxy themed soft drink. I call it Groot beer.
I got prescribed an antifungal... ... and now my girlfriend won't come near me.
How do snowmen get around? By icicle.
Business Idea: 1. Buy a taco truck. 2. Park it in front of my house. 3. Sell tacos to myself.
Q: Why is a train like a stick of gum? A: One goes choo-choo; the other goes chew-chew.
Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy?  A penny-farthing.
Why do women prefer old gynecologists? Their shaky hands!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I don't want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
This guy on the subway has piercings on both sides of his neck. Mary Shelley would be so proud of her modern influence.
When I stay at a man's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there, like my phone, my  sweater, or my dignity.
GREEN LIPSTICK Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.
What is the difference between a gay man and a hot dog? One is an oscar meyer weiner, the other admires oscar's weinner
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary, and those who don't... ^^[BADUM'TSS](http://trommelyd.no/)
Did you know Helen Keller had a very pretty dollhouse? Neither did she.
Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"
Good Steak jokes are... A rare medium well done
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don't have them, you cry about it.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee
I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week. I told him it's growing on me.
What would Hitler have said to the Jews if he were a Keynesian economist? "In the short run, _you're_ all dead!"
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls. I'm sorry
Caesar tried to run when the senate came after him... but his leg muscles couldn't carry him fast enough. As he fell to the ground he cried out "Et tu, glutes!"
I've been watching so much porn lately I spit on my hotdog before putting it the bun.
You know, they're making the prospective Mars astronauts shave their whole bodies prior to departure. That way, when it's time for blastoff... they'll baldly go where no man has gone before.
Knock, knock..(my 8 year old told me this) Knock, knock Who's there? Anna Anna who? Anna one, Anna two
Has anything happened since 2008? I've been looking down at my phone.
I'm "the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room" years old
Behind every great man... ...is a very surprised mother-in-law.
"We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease" "I can't say I'm surprised" *doc strokes beard* "Hmm yes.Just as we thought"
A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar He orders a drink
Terry Schiavo's husband might have kept her alive if he was a vegan. Then he would have an all he can eat vegetable.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Albert ! Albert who ! Albert you don't know who this is !
I got an empty fortune cookie the other day. It was unfortunate.
What did Captain Hook say to Peter Pan? Fuck Niggers !! Lol !!
Did you hear about the blind Rabbi in charge of circumcision? He got the sack!
If a tree falls down in the woods.. If a tree falls down in the woods and nobody's around to react to it, do the Fine Bro's still submit a copyright claim?
That awkward moment where your baby comes out black, and you don't want to keep it, but you have to because you're black too...
A sad dickhead walks into a bar... and the bartender asks him, "Why the schlong face?"
I had phone sex with my boyfriend over a walkie-talkie. I could hear him coming from a mile away.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
What came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken, eggs can't cum
You hear about the highly-productive pastry factory that has trouble retaining employees? It has a high turnover rate.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
David Copperfield's fed up of performing the old trap-door trick... It's just a stage he's going through.
Knock knock.... (Who's there?) Ellen Pao's Resume.
ME: I would like a complaint form ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left ME: I would like two complaint forms
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, "this'll do"
What rings twice and screams once? Ray Charles answering the iron
My 10 year old: "If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first." Me: "What?"
Overheard two doctors in the emergency ward They were discussing a patient who had arrived with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum. Described his condition as stable.
"NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK" k "NOT "K" THIS IS IMPORTANT" Sorry "THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT" Even fish? *THUNDER* "NO NOT FISH
What flavor is the milkshake? How far away is the yard? How could you know its better than mine? You seem, frankly, a bit overconfident.
What did the one volcano say to the other volcano? Do you lava me like I lava you. It's beautiful.
I've been looking everywhere for my U2 CD... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
It takes balls to get a vasectomy.
RIP Paris Terror Attack Victims Never baguette
What's a four letter word for intercourse ending with K? Talk
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?[OC] (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.
Tom Hanks is extremely polite... In fact, every time someone asks him for an autograph, he's the one that ends up saying "T.Hanks"
This guy was all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Fuck you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."
Did you hear about the time that shallots, scallions, ramps, and leeks all got together? They tried to onionize.
My neighbor's kids said they loved sneakers. They're huge Vans of them.
Women jokes are not funny Period.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it..... It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
What's a German's favorite fruit? An Auto-Bahnana
There was a male striper who absolutely hated his line of work and wanted to quit. The pay was really good though, so he decided to stick it out for a little bit longer.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
My friend told me that he was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I bought him a snickers
This one time the Angels up in heaven decided to do a little striptease for the Gods. Poor Jesus!
I went to my first Muslim birthday party yesterday Most of the party games were normal, but fuck me pass the parcel was scary.
I told my friend that I disproved the theory of conservation of mass, But he didn't understand the weight of the situation.
Q. How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? A. Because they look at *your* shoes when they're talking to you.
What's worse than beating a dead horse? Shooting a live gorilla
A donkey walked 12 miles.. but when measured the front leg walked 12 miles but the back legs walked only 10 miles Its because he was walking in a circle
Who's the fattest Knight at the round table? Why? Circumference. Because he ate too much pi.
I need a draft folder for my mouth.
Taking the lives away from 12 baby chicks. Bought an egg carton at the grocery store...
This man says to his friend" I stopped  driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold  the wheel."
I'm having trouble finishing my joke about tree surgery! Stick joke here!
I wish Gene Wilder was still alive today... He'd probably be ecstatic knowing one of his oompa loompa's grew up to be president :')
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
I like my women like I like my whiskey At least 18 years old and mixed up with coke
Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression. Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania? *gets leg dropped*
Confucius say: Man who is outstanding in rain dance will be out standing in rain.
Come on, terrorists. Stuff your pockets with colorful beads before exploding. It doesn't have to be ALL negative.
What does a Mexican use to cut pizza with? Little Caesars!
Why do people shoot up schools? Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It's a public service.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Prius? Porcupines have pricks on the outside
What do you get when you cross a white cow with mad cow disease and a grizzly bear? A bi-polar bear.
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common? They both love cracking open a cold one!
How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithberg
How do you describe Catwoman in one word? Purrfect
Which 3 words will make a mexican tremble in fear ? Round of 16
M: Come to bed... Her: I have a headache M: You're a robot! H: M: H: ...SELF DESTRUCT [BOOM] M: Nice try but you're still under warranty!
Did you know that Stalin suffered from bulimia? He didn't binge, though, he just purged.
What do you call a man in the window? INNUENDO!!!!!!!
I cannot even fathom how deep the snow is back east! Get my drift?
OMG... JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA- Oh wait, it's Ravioli.
Confucius says man who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with smelly finger
What does John Cena wash his hair with? Champ who?
What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!
I just ate wood chips covered in lead-based paint... Hopefully I'll "number 2" a pencil.
Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other "Do you like music?" He replies "I'm a big metal fan."
Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana
Jesus wasn't just fit.... He was crossfit.
I went to a bingo hall last night. It was good seeing some old faces.
I've known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I saw a fat lady accidentally sit on a phone today I guess you could call that a booty call...
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.
You can't out wit a jew but... You can auschwitz him
Me to dad:i'll call u later Dad:don't call me later call me dad
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here.
I'm so antisocial, i won't even meet my potential.
What was the title of the soundtrack to 'The Inconvenient Truth'? Al Gore Rhythms
Me: "Excuse me, hi" Her: "Um, I have a boyfriend" Me: "Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse"
What do you call a boring banana? unaPEELING
I'm allergic to football fields They send me into NFLactic shock.
What's the most powerful part of a french tank Reverse gear
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend... She says "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now" And he replies "Why, don't you have a vase?"
What's green and lays in a ditch while covered in cookie crumbs? The Girl Scout that got hit by a car.
Mother: What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write? Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!
[God, wasted, creating humans] Angel: How do they cool themselves off? God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them. Angel: How...Ok.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? ...a rip off.
Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.
I hate shopping. No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Either have they.
What you're feeling, Republicans, is the ghost of Ted Kennedy's nuts on your chin.
My phone died, so I was forced to "print" a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
A good groaner What do you get when you combine an elephant and a poodle? A dead poodle, split in half.
Seasick jokes What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed? The Navy blues What part of the Mac's desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time? The Dock
The only thing harder than diamonds a redneck at his family reunion
"Kindly let me help you or you will drown,"... ...said the monkey putting the fish safely up a tree.
Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have Hollow-Weenies!
I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to molest guys like you in prison."
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
What's the difference between an Irish Funeral and an Irish Wedding? One less drunk person.
My dad told me never to explain fashion to Tommy, Hilfiger.
What university did Lil Jon go to? YAAAAAAAAALE
I saw a man at the beach yelling, "Help, Shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
I have a sexual attraction and fetish for car races I just love getting off to a good start
My mom texted me asking what "DTF" meant and I told her "Dedicated To Family"...I seriously can't wait for her to use it.
What do you call a thousand terabytes of child porn? A pedobyte.
Hearing someone say 'first world problems' is now almost worse than many third world problems.
What do you call a residential area for horse lovers? A neighbourhood.
I don't want Harriet Tubman on my $20's I don't want them to be worth 3/5 of their value
How do you tell a racist joke without getting in trouble? Write it down.
One day On Reddit I would love to see "I'm a schizophrenic... Ask us anything!"
Bill Gates be like: Hi,my name is Bill Gates, Let me teach you how to count: 1, 2, 3, 95, NT, 200, XP, VISTA, 7, 8, 10 Now give me money.
Freedom of expression is great... I can make a kissy face, smiley face or a frowny face, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[spelling bee] Your word is 'impossible' "Oh, well I guess no point in trying" *walks off stage*
I had surgery today... It was touch n go at first until the doctor came in and made me stop playing grab ass with the nurses.
Most girls on Facebook have more problems than a math text book..
What do you call an unemployed classical musician? Baroque
Lawyers Q:is it true you charge eache question 500 bucks? A:yes. what's the second question?
What's the worst part about being black and Jewish? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
What is Tony Romo's favorite lottery game? Pick Six
What's the speed limit to sex? 68. Once you go 69 you have to stop and turn around.
I broke my finger today... but on the other hand..I'm completely fine!
Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband's BMW
Patrick: "Did you see my underwear?" Mindy: "No." Patrick: "Do you wanna?"
Why do they call camels 'ships of the desert'? Because they are full of Arab semen.
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
Sat down to donate blood the other day Nurse: Just a little prick. Me: How'd you know?
What do you get when you step into the ring with Mohammad Ali? Too soon
"Full bath?" "Yes sir" "Double beds?" "Yes sir" "Pool?" "Yes sir" "Maid service?" "Yes sir" "WIFI?" "Yes sir" "Kids, I found a campsite!"
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I'm practicing jumping out of a moving car.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
I won every fight in 1st grade. Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
People who aren't entombed in 8 feet of snow, what's it like to live in a tropical paradise?
As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.
Two bananas are sitting on a river bank.. A turd comes floating by. The turd says " come on in guys, the waters great!" The one banana looks at the other banana and says "you believe that shit!"
Are you from Iraq? Cause i wanna see you Baghdad ass up.
What do you call a sarcastic Canadian cow? Cowlin Mockery
Two Russian kgb operatives are also in a tank One turns to the other and says "gurgle gurgle" and they both drown...
I like stuffed animals. Oven baked with breadcrumb stuffing.
Why did the little pig hide the soap? He heard the farmer yell "Hogwash!"
There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking... the result was staggering.
I was bored at work yesterday, so I gave a colleague a clock and told him to give it to someone else. I had to do something to pass the time.
I LOVE the way the Earth rotates It really makes my day.
Just got bit by a black widow... People are fucking crazy.
When I'm in the car and a sad song comes on the radio, I stare out the window and act like I'm in a movie.
Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Boo ! Boo who ? Just Boo ! I'm a ghost !
Why hasn't there been a Mexican Disney Princess? Because everyone would just think it's a quinceanera
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? You can spill your beer on a fiddle.
What do you call the guy who graduates last in medical class? Doctor
[my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse [patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here [me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
Why do you never play uno with a mexican? Because they will steal all the green cards.
Just cleaned out my desk. Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp. Good news: I found the plane!
My programmer friend keeps telling me I'm using too many brackets. I keep telling him that two wont hold all those books he never reads.
Rey should really make herself a new lightsaber. The one she has now has 100% hand loss rate. \\\_()_/ 
Yo momma cooks so bad... The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door. &gt;we're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!!
I'm starting a support group for men who have difficulty ejaculating Let us know if you can't come
What do you call a disabled nun? Virgin mobile
Bruce Jenner should legally change his name to Trans
What do Japanese men do when they have erections? Vote.
Some people think vasectomies and castration are similar procedures but there's a vas deferens between the two.
Whats the difference between a mosquito &amp; a hot blonde chick? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it
Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans? Choosing dog food is hard.
Life's like my dick Hard and too short
I wanted to watch the inauguration today But Eisenhower late.
In support of France, Canada opens new French province called "Quebec."
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.
what does a family dentist and a pedophile have in common? They both fill little kids' cavities. Original by me.
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger Then it hit me.
Unshakable Fact # 1 A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.
I opened the door to find my friend masturbating. He yelled "Close the door!" So I yelled, "Get inside!"
Hodor is the ultimate gentleman! He always holds the door.
Guy: [pulls out knife] Me: But I'm allergic to stainless steel Guy: [stabs me] Me: Noooo I'll get a rash
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 
I had sex last night. Man I hate prison
I don't sign anything without pretending to read it first.
Today, someone asked me if there's a possibility that I know anything about Medieval music. I said, "not a Gregorian chants".
owl friend Today, my owl buddy told me he was getting married. I replied 'you twit, to who?'
The moment you realise... The new COD has space battles and Star Wars battlefront doesn't.
What's a pickup artist's favorite breakfast? Steak and negs. In shame and solitude
Hungry Hungry Hippos must get tired of eating the same thing? White spheres, again?
Interviewer: how do you explain the long gap in your resume? Me: I fell asleep with my face on the spacebar
Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.
Is it alright to kiss a nun? Yeah. As long as you don't get in the habit.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
What did the mama bison say to her son when he went off to college Bison. :&gt; get it?
What's the name of that German guy that keeps hiding my stuff around the house? Alzheimer, Grandma.
What's the national anthem of Puerto Rico? "Attention K-Mart shoppers..."
What powers a robotic Sherlock Holmes Electricity, my dear Watt-Son
How do you kill a one legged Fox? Make him run across Canada
"Excuse me, but the sign says 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.' It doesn't say a goddamn thing about no pants." - Me, drunk at Target
[Jews being led out of Egypt] Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn't just stop & ask directions? Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
What are four ways of spreading information that begins with "tel"? Telephone, telegram, television, and tell a woman.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job ME: My dogter loves hers F: You mean dau.. ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She's a dogtor
why was Pavlov's hair so soft? classical conditioning.
Today in 1956 the first videotape recording was made. Your mom was young and needed the money.
I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple.
I would tell a joke about Jehovah's witnesses... But nobody likes knock-knock jokes
So you kill them with kindness but then what do you do with the bodies WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BODIES SO MANY BODIES OH GOD
What is the sheeps market called? The Baa-zar.
And the Lord said to Peter "come forth and you will receive eternal life". But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate his food before it was cool
What sort of cheese do you use to get a bear to go on a outing with you? Camembert
The Fine Bros should be join the Criminal Minds team After all, they did find 100k unsubs in just one day.
13 peer reviewed methods for determining whether or not an article is clickbait, number seven in particular has been shown to assist readers. Gotcha.
Lawyers' Ethical Dilemma When a client gives you two hundred dollar bills stuck together from the bank machine to pay a $100 bill, do you tell your law partner?
I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I'm like a fireman, I turn the hoes on.
Do you know why they call it the Xbox One? Because you take one look and walk away.
How do rocks feel about moss? It's growing on them.
A police officer mistakenly arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned that you should never book a judge by their cover.
How does Moses make tea? *Hebrews it*
When the Jews wandered in a desert for four whole decades, surely it went from epic fail to epoch fail
In-laws are like hemorrhoids... .... When they come down and go back up it's ok, but when they stay down that's when it's a pain in the ass...
Why do women watch porn films until the end? To see if they get married
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
A guy thing. pp
Who wrote the book The Russian Milkman? Ipul Titsky
What do you call a horny chemist? An H2Ho.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.
What's the difference between a hooker and a crackhead? A hooker washes her crack and resells it.
I used to be afraid of flying in planes Until I tried it without one.
My friend Eric is having some real issues and shit is real bad for him... He's constipated
Break ups are the worst in China... You see her face everywhere.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say "congratulations on your first book!"
M.C. Escher goes into an ou so s   W.
What do you call a stupid, ugly, fat cow that gives birth to idiots that don't know when their own mother is being insulted? Your mom.
Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse "You mean Centaur, right?" Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that  money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
I tried inventing a belt with a clock on it... It was a waist of time
Apparently being a mother is the hardest job in the world. They're probably right. I can definitely see brain surgeons struggling to put Frozen into a DVD player.
How many seconds are there in one year? 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument? He was baroque.
Knock knock. Who's there? Panther. Panther who? Panther no panth I'm going thwimming.
My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she's racist
I can't believe gay marriage is legal! What's next womens rights?
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving then he's lying.
Women like you are hard to find.. My ex wanted to know if still thought of her. Quite often I said. "Women like you are hard to find. Most of you are in state hospitals."
Q: Why do men float better than women? A: Because they are scum.
I heard that John Cena had a failed porn career... Every time they tried to do the money shot nobody could see him coming.
Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he's already fought vampires once this year.
How does an elephant climb a tree? He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.
i'm fat but at least i'm not "my facebook profile picture is a pokemon" fat
Where do you go if you want to find a very funny joke? Apparently, not here
The sound of thunder is no longer Thor's hammer. It's a pissed-off Lady-Thor stomping round Asgard and noisily filling the dishwasher while she waits for someone to ask her what's wrong...
I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I know it wouldn't be "environmentally friendly" but I wish someone would invent disposable handkerchiefs.
I know 27 different jokes about eyeballs... ...But this one's cornea than the rest!
On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes
At least cunts are useful you're not.
Why does it have to be a white Christmas? #BlackChristmasMatters
What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around here while I go on ahead.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium.
How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts? One has boooooobs. The other gets full pay at their jobs.
Why was the snake soft? He had reptile dysfunction.
"My night's about to get better now that you're turned on." ... said the student to his printer when he finished his essay.
What does Neil Patrick Harris call his toilet? His Dookie Houser
There is nothing wrong with sex before marriage... ... as long as it doesn't delay the wedding.
How do you call a corn that is unique? A unicorn.
Saw an ad that said "Radio for sell, volume stuck on full. 1$" I thought, "I can't turn that down".
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
What's the opposite of the Virgin Islands The Caymin Islands.
I was wondering where my new axe had gone... ...Then it hit me.
My Boss is Irish and I need good comebacks! Help me out with the best Irish jokes you got!
A man walked into a bar and took a girl home. What drink did he have at home? A bloody Mary.
My girlfriend starting putting a miniature Sylvester Stallone doll in the middle of the bed a few months ago Things have been a little rocky between us ever since
What did Jeffrey Dahlmer say to Lorena Bobbit? Excuse me are you going to eat that? *Ellen Barken on David Letterman show.
What did Shang Tsung say after conquering South Korea? "Your Seoul is mine!"
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
I have an irrational fear of over-engineered buildings. I have a complex complex complex
I told a girl to text me when she gets home. She must be homeless.
DIVORCE Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, because they never get the house.
My cat rolled on my weed tray and now half my weed is stuck in her fur......Do I smoke my cat?
Had sex at the bowling ally on the ball return.. ...the girl loved it because I gave her 9lbs from the front and 14 from the back
Did you know that in high school, Robert E. Lee was voted "most likely to secede?"
Going to McDonalds for a salad roll is like going to a brothel for a hug.
If a tree falls on a woman... And nobody is around to hear it. Why was there a tree in the kitchen?
After an outage, what time does the power come back on? 12:00 --:-- 12:00 --:--
I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don't even remember I told them so.
thanks for the $100 whole foods gift card i'm really going to enjoy this banana
Why would anyone want to be a masochist? Beats me
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I didn't want to get a brain transplant. Then I changed my mind.
Have you ever gotten laid in a sleeping bag? It's horrible. You can't breathe, it's all sweaty, and your scoutmaster is covering your mouth.
A pair of fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve fonts here!" But they sat down anyways because they were **bold**.
I slipped on some black ice today I knew it was black ice because now my wallets missing.
Hey fat people, a venti caramel mocchiato w/ whipped cream isn't coffee, its a sundae.
Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ? It saves so much time.
I wanted to get a brain transplant... But I changed my mind.
Do you like Christmas? Then why don't you merry it?
Nurse: It's just a little prick.. Me: That's what my gf said! N: Ha M: Haha N: HAHA M: HAHAHA! N: You don't have a gf, do you? M: No.
The lights at this chinese dumpling place were too bright I had to ask them to Dim Sum
Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart
According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.
Bernie demands change... whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques.
Did you hear about the obscenely hard gardening class required for botany majors? It was said to be a weed out class
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die. -Herpes
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can't pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I'm woman enough to admit when you're wrong
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. 
"There" - Where's Waldo? Cliffs Notes
what's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger.
Veggietales is making a version of 50 Shades of Grey... It's called "The Artichoke Hearts".
Peter: My brother wants to work badly! Anita: As I remember he usually does !
Jesus walked on water? Big deal. I can too. Let's see him walk on Vodka
I went in to a pet shop and said, Can I buy a goldfish? The guy said, Do you want an aquarium? I said, I dont care what star sign it is.
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9 and go straight to 10? Because seven "ate" nine.
What do you call a brothel riddled with rabies? A frothel
Bruce Wayne needs to watch his salt intake, his sodium is through the roof.
What does Mr. T say when he walks into a buffet? I pity the full!
[Joker has Robin tied up] "If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-" "Nope. Also he's allergic to peanuts. Like real bad."
What's the difference between a Vagina and a Refrigerator? A Fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but when he unscrews the bulb, the lights go out and your xbox is gone.
I ran a marathon in 2011 if you add it all up probably.
Q: What did the blonde say during a porno? A: "There I am!"
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you're drunk
I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.
Why is Uhura black? Because William shat on her.
What do you want to do before you tickle someone? Test-tickles
I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
"Can I buy you a drink?" Sure! What's your name? "Uhh. I don't know. I never get this far" You don't know your name? *sweats* Pants are cool
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
This: sentence: is: sick: it has :cancer.
What did the lawyer say when he stepped in dog shit? Help me..... I'm melting
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling "Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!"
I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.
What do Jaqen H'ghar from Game of Thrones and Christina Aguilera have in common? They both know "what a girl wants" and "what a girl needs".
why do woman get periods? because they deserve them
Why did the top bun and bottom bun of the Big Mac get in a fight? There was bad beef between them
Girl called me the other day and said: 'Come on over, nobody's home' I went over, nobody was home.
Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo?" He was studying foreign languages.
What do Porsche and Apple have in common? New product, same design.
A woman gets breast implants made of wood.. Too bad this joke doesn't have a punchline, it would probably be funny. Wooden tit?
What do you call a deceptive legume? A Lima bean
Ladies and Gents "Ladies and Gents.... ...and that concludes our tour of the toilets."
What do you call a wet spy? James Pond (   )
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
What do you call a gay magician? A poof
My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters
I heard that Auschwitz had to ask people to stop playing Pokemon Go. Which is weird, because they have the same slogan. Gotta catch 'em all.
I think the most profound advice my father ever told me was... "Stop using me in your bullshit stories."
Why did the boy stop using his Sony, his Boombox, and his Bose Radio? He stopped believing in stereotypes.
A super villain gently petting a carpet sample instead of a cat.
What does a pencil have in common with marijuana? If it doesn't make you look smart, it's blunt.
Someday I'm gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone's mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.
They say there's safety in numbers... Well tell that to 6 million Jews
No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud.
Ambushed my mother-in-law After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted "Are you gonna help?", I said "6 should be enough!"
[Olive Garden] PATRON: there are so many types of pasta WAITER: [required to say this] yes...*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My wife is playing hard to get. Rid of.
I pronounce CHampagne & CHandelier like CHimp so the lower class thinks I'm "approachable" & the upper class thinks I'm "eclectic"
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics.
My wife was cremated after her death. Also during.
Politicians are like Sperm One in a million turn out to be an actual human being
"What time do I get off?" has an entirely different meaning when you work in the sex industry.
What's the difference between fucking you and 9/11? No one forgot about 9/11
where does a Finnish child molester go when his ship sinks? Helsinki
Have you heard the joke about the guy addicted to brake fluid? He says he can stop anytime.
What do you call an angry witch? Ribbit.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I'm sleeping.
Wouldn't it be messed up if we found out Rome was built in like 23.5 hours?
What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca and a vampire? AUTOEXEC.BAT (Not my joke, but I tell it every time a buzz needs killed.)
I was confronted by an angry man today. I told him I come in peace Apparently that's something you shouldn't say to Peace's boyfriend
Behind every successful man is a woman. This game of hide and seek has been going on for too long...
What's blue and square? An orange in disguise! Boom!!!
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus? He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
The little children I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? No seatbelt.
"She's cute I swear, let me find a better picture."  Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.
A man working at an airport control tower when he notices a crash about to happen. He called the airplane crash hotline: 911.
Saudis Arabia recently got siri Saudi Arabian: Siri,call my wife     Siri:which one?
It might be hard for your audience to link them together. Coming up with Zelda jokes can be difucult, but you shouldn't try to force it.
Why is it awful to be an egg? You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.
I don't want to just eat Olive Garden. I want to eat OLIVE it.
"I'm tired but I'd really love to be exhausted and covered in my own sweat." - Naps
[joke request] Civil engineering jokes, (Bridges, sewers, roads, engineers in general) What is the best joke you have related to Civil Engineering.
Will Smith was convicted They found fresh prints at the scene....
What is a Canadian's Favorite Game? Sorry!
I've never fucked a poofter, but I've fucked a bloke who has.
Knock Knock *Knock Knock.* Who's there? *This bagel is for.* This bagel is for who? *Whom. This bagel is for whom.*
Don't spend too much on toilet paper It's all for shit, anyway.
Enough with the Gay jokes Cum on guys
On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction. As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.
Yo' Mama Jokes Battle! I'll start! Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.
When you tell me to behave you really should be more specific. Behaving badly is still behaving. Technically...
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The Swallow
The Human Genome Project had a breakthrough and isolated the genes that make someone homosexual. They are skinny genes.
What did one strand of yarn say to the other? I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up. "Ball up..."
You know, I really hate Mexican jokes that rely on sterotypes They just cross the border.
Couple claiming Virginity: Girl:If this Is your 1st time,then how did u do it so well? Boy:If this Is your 1st time,then how do u know that i did well???
Clark Kent: Only kryptonite can kill me. Perry: What do you mean? Can't regular things kill you? Clark: Oh shit. Which guy am I right now!?
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
you are one of billions of workers trading irreplaceable hours of your life so a few hundred guys can have more money than anyone in history
How many mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one.
What do you call an exceptional Mexican? Nacho average guy
The Irishman's dilemma. Do you eat the potatoes now or do you let them ferment so you can drink them later?
I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.
*gets email* -Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?- *responds* "Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?"
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
Why did the biscuit cry? His mum had been a wafer too long.
What has 52 teeth and can hold back the incredible Hulk? My Zipper
A man walks in to a bar His alcoholism is destroying his family.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what'cha momma gave you. Me; Ummm... ok. <vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
What did the school in Egypt finally get? A new bus.
Why are monkeys pedantic? Because they love nitpicking.
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a monastery? Nun.
How many feminist does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. 1 to screw it in, and one to suck my cock.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Why does the lawyer hate doing pro-bono work? Because he fucking hates U2.
What's the hardest part about being a vegan? Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.
Did you hear about the aristocratic horse? He was the last of his race!
This clown thing has gone too far I mean, he could very well became our commander in chief in a month or so.
Off to work... A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. Why? What happened at 8.30?'
I told my wife I didn't want to watch Kevin Heart's Seriously Funny because he is a sellout "Not compared to Kevin Durant!" She laughed. True story.
A man walks into a psychologists office... wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says "It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts"
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... .... then soviet.
I'm not racist but... Your hair looks gorgeous. "How is that racist?" I said I wasn't racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
You know guys, ironically, racism is alot like black people... Cuz it shouldn't exist!!!
What do you call a horse at night? A Nightmare
When life gives you financial troubles... Make Financialade.
HELLO I SEE THAT YOU SLIGHTLY TOUCHED YOUR MOUSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE JAVA?
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
What are Starbucks two shipping options? Ground and federal expresso
Pigs in a blanket Hey, isn't that the same as an undercover cop?
hmm i think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*
What did the large furry mammal say when the salamander who kept asking for favors went too far? I can't bear it! You axolotl of me this time!
Many call me an elastic band The more you pull, the harder I cum
I got like 30 followers off a tweet about free porn sites, to which I say free credit report lose weight free penis enlargement.
Please ignore this tweet, I'm pretending to be adding a coworker's phone number.
Does anyone want to come over and stare at our phones?
"What protection do you use?" "Protection?" "When you have Sex." "Sex??"
Insomnia sufferers, look on the bright side. only three more sleeps until christmas.
Top three perverts that see you when you're sleeping: 1. Santa. 2. God. 3. NSA.
Why is six scared of seven?... Because seven was registered as a six offender.
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
Can anyone help me. I don't know where to park my boat and all the other captains are making fun of me. im under alot of pier pressure!
Ok America. You've made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing. But if we see Kanye 2020 happen... No. More. SYRUP. Love, Canada
What's the difference between me and a pile of bricks? The bricks will get laid.
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small.
Don't you hate it when you think you're about to fart and you shit on your Dad's face?
Dad did you manage to fix my toy? No it's not broken the battery's flat. Well what shape should it be?
How much to learn the thriller dance moves? "Ma'am... this is senior citizens Zumba class!"
You might have heard this one. I confided in my gf: "sometimes I can be pretty full of myself." Gf replies: "sometimes I'm pretty full of you too."
What do zombie vegans eat? ... Grains!!!
PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.
Remember when putting something on the internet was the equivalent of hiding it in a vault on a planet your parents had never even heard of?
What do you call it when a transcendentalist author looks at old photos? Thoreau Back Thursday
I got called racist for saying 'pitch black' The umpire disqualified me and told me I struck out and that the better thing to say would be 'Jamal, I'm ready for your fastball'.
Louise Jokes (my own jokes towards to my friend louise) ENJOY THESE LOUISE JOKES AND ALSO IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ANY OF THEM ILL REPLY TO SOME OF THEM THAT I MADE AND ILL EXPLAIN THE JOKE
If you love something, set it free If you hate something, do origami If you're hungry, go watch a movie I don't understand how advice works
What's the most common question in Quantum Physics? I don't know
What did the police say when they finished interviewing Dylann Roof? You're hired
If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I'm gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
The most important thing about telling a joke is timing
Doggy style My wife and I haf sex doggy style last night...She rolled over and played dead, and I sat there and begged for it.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
This restaurant is so fancy they made my husband wear a jacket over his mesh half-shirt.
There's a party in the garden so lettuce turnip the beet
I heard people in jail can only turn left. Because they lost all their rights.
I fell off a 50 foot ladder yesterday. Luckily I was on the bottom step.
Why did the baker have so many customers? He desperately kneaded the dough!
"What does it mean when you see a flag flying at half-mast outside of a mostly white high school?" They're hiring.
Life is like a box of chocolates... and I am a lactose-intolerant diabetic.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was too chicken to do it.
Red Dead Redemption 2 announced! Not. :^ )
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that  90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection ME: wow, I feel like I'm in a DATE: no ME: mewseum DAD: *nods his approval*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If you ever need anything, just ask. But also, please never need anything.
What do you do with a Rhinoceros with 3 balls? You walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
What do you call a mix Mexican-Jamaican rock climber? A caribeaner.
How do you get a nun pregnant ? Fuck her.
How do you make holy water? You just boil the hell out of it!
Why shouldn't you use red, white, and blue paint in a watercolor? Because these colors don't run
Joke of The Day A new Student came to the class. After telling the rest of the Children his name, the teacher asked, "what does your Father do"? . . . . . . Student :" Whatever Mom Says"
So my father-in-law asked me to give the Christmas prayer... Apparently Ezekiel 25:17 is "inappropriate"
What did the pink panther have all over his house after he fumigated for insects? dead ants... dead ants... dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead aaaaantsss
I think the only time my ex didn't fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I just shook the crumbs out of my keyboard and they spelled "GAYLORD." My haters grow more powerful everyday.
I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno, dos..." And poof! He disappears without a tres.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
"Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!" -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[spelling bee] Your word is 'mnemonic' "Can you use it in a sentence?" Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I'm really not sure how many times I'll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I'm an idiot....
If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here..... *pizza stays *happy tears
It's like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
What is the same with you, a pet cat, and a pet dog? All of them are adopted
I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 
iTunes has it all wrong... ... the hottest single this year is me.
How did the hipster die? He drowned in the mainstream because he stood on it before it was cool.
Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
What do people from Cape Cod say to their butts? Hyannis
How do you spot a vegan at the gym? Pretty much the same as anyone else.
Chuck Norris was kicked off the show "Extreme Couponing" the producers couldn't stand watching entire grocery chains file bankruptcy because of Chuck Norris.
Why did the farmer use a steam roller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
What wears a black white and tan coat but has no  hair? A bald beagle!
Modern art is easy to understand If you left poop at the door, rang the bell, and ran away - it's installation. If you rang the bell and then deposited the poop- it's performance.
Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine] "Who's president?" Barack Obama "Braco? Sounds Mexican" Nope "Whew" You might want to sit down
How to kill time. Hold your right ear with your lett hand and your nose with your right hand, then hold your left ear with your right hand and your nose with your left hand, and repeat and repeat.
I found out where babies come from and it's fucking gross you guys.
Who is going to win tonight's presidential election? The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there. ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Q: Why did the easter egg hide? A: Because it was a little chicken on the inside.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? ask them to pronounce unionized
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he's a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
What did the burglar say to the  watchmaker as he tied him up? Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
Why do short people laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls.
If a white girl falls in the forest, and no one is around to omg, does she even?
All these mass shootings make me think... ... People must really hate Catholics right now
What do you call a bear in the Arctic? Starving.
Q. How do you keep a blonde at home? A. Build a circular driveway.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
What's the lawyer's favorite fruit? the advocado
Kisses are like real estate .... Location Location Location
i tip my fedora to u *tips fedora* here's an upboat
Father: You're grounded. Son: Jim Morrison sucked! *storms off to room* Father: What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, "One, three, five, seven, nine... one, three, five, seven, nine..." I thought, "How odd."
Laser joke A blue laser hertz twice as much as a red laser.
I have a friend named Jimmy Glasscock You can see it coming.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.
Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
A man walks into a bar His alcoholism is tearing his family apart
I met this 14 year old online, and she told me she is an undercover cop... How COOL is that for someone her age?
I just had to add "velociraptor" to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I saw a racially tolerant orchestra... None of them were bassists.
I told an ebola joke And only 50% died laughing.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My girlfriend said she's break up with me if I didn't stop being a casanova. Apparently she doesn't like that I live in my Chevy.
You know why I Hate Carpools? Everytime I go through a tunnel my wrist hurts.
Rule number one of the English language: The use of double negatives is a big no-no
If I park 20 spots from the store in an empty parking lot and you park next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Is there a punchline that could make this joke funny?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Why did the farmer win the Nobel Prize? There was a clerical error. The award was intended to go to Malala Yousafzai for her advocacy work for education for young girls.
What do you call a male prostitute who can't stop laughing? A giggle-o
North Korean Joke Poop is like a North Korean rocket: it's produced by an ass and splashes into the water.
Healthcare Costs in America
Kids today have it easy! In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly. Oh no wait. I'm thinking of a lighthouse again.
What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his Greek sandwich? There goes my gyro
Personally, I think the title of "World Champions" is ridiculous. This is America, we're Universe Champions!
What does a bee get at McDonalds ? A humburger !
What does a 9-Volt battery and an asshole have in common? If you lick it, and nothing happens, you know its dead.
If a problem has a solution - no need to worry. If there is no solution - then it is pointless to worry about. A fundamental principle of apathy.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a number 2 pencil.
There are so many scary things in life: -fear -hate -murder -injustice -the woman in line behind me who just said "boughten"
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ? Webley stadium !
What do you call a reptile...? What do you call a reptile who says "But Cowardly Lion......You've had courage..... This entire....Time"? [The Wonderful Lizard of Pause](/spoiler)
How do you say goodbye in Arabic? "BOOM!"
My friend broke one of his bones in a funny accident. It was humerus.
Heard on Haight St. the other day: Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? Cause he was just too far out, man. Edit: I work on Haight St. This was in exchange for one cigarette.
Does your camera know you've been using it to look like a whore?
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Nein
Why does the mushroom get invited to all the parties? Because he's a fungi.
Saw a vanity license plate that said "ILUVLUV." I hope she luvs getting 4 new tires and a windshield.
Have you heard about the Viagra shipment that was stolen? The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.
I eat my hot dogs cold No bun intended
How do you ensure the Letter Y has a clean bathroom experience? A Kleenex. That will be all.
Was sagt der groe Stift zum kleinen Stift? Wachsmalstift
I told my girlfriend she'd look better with her hair back Apparently that's not an appropriate thing to say to a chemo patient
I couldn't get an erection while having sex with my wife... So I took her to a nice dinner. There was no hard-feelings.
How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
Two Helium atoms were acting funny HeHe
A roman walks into a bar A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus The bartender asks "don't you mean a martini?" The Roman replies "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
A guy just yelled at me for tweeting and driving. I told him to get off my fucking hood and mind his own business.
I orgasmed during the sermon today. It was my cum to Jesus moment.
Chopping Onions I walked into the kitchen to see my Dad chopping Onions up. As soon as I saw him, I started crying because Onions is my dog.
If I had a penny for every trump joke, I'd have enough money to build a wall...
A recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.
Never ever stop pushing yourself. They say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Go beyond it and create history.
Little Johnny strikes again The teacher came up to johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what seperates you from a monkey. Johnny said with confidence "the desk".
Why did the bald man go outside ? To get some fresh hair !
Is it possible to have a joke that is not racist/sexist/politically incorrect or commenting on stereotypes? Challenge for reddit. Curious
I went to a military history exhibit at a museum in Little Italy. I saw a cool old German submarine. I walked up to a guy and said, "Hey, is that a U-boat?" He said, "No, it's-a the museum's!"
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
*walkig around department store that is full of wat clearly are christmas decorations* its haloween again ALREADY??
My friend just joined a reggae band playing the triangle, he says it's easy... All he has to do is stand at the back 'n' ting.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2. "No screens allowed." On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad. "This is your mother now."
What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night? Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I think I'm non-committal I mean I'm pretty sure, but, you know, who knows, really?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise* Me: oh shit Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise* [From Basement]: Oh shit
My new girlfriend is amazing in the bedroom... She goes down on me more than the EA servers...
A dad puts his kids down for bedtime He says, "You're fat and stupid!"
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I'm just a girl Hiding under a bed Hoping his wife leaves soon Again
What started with a J, and ends with whore?
How do I explain to this 5yo why it is of paramount importance to use the word kitty instead of pussy in his Mother's day card?
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
What can you tell a black kid to do? Go visit his family tree.
What did the handless box get for hristmas? Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.
Semi-good news for agoraphobics... A treatment is right around the corner!
Good effort but we all know you're the ugly one in your two person profile picture.
My friends say I'm frugal. I'm not buying it.
A low pressure faucet and a penis with erectile dysfunction have a lot in common.... Both can still drain their liquids but neithers getting anything off
what do you say to a puking prostitute? Heave-ho!
What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa? Some people actually believe santa exist.
Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
My wife's leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I like my eggs like the women I like Whites only
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? poke her face
What do you get if you cross a skunk  and a dinosaur? A stinkasaurus!
Pokemon GO servers Yeah, that's it.
today I matched speeds with a car on the highway so I could make eye contact with a dog in the backseat
A roman centurion walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says: "Five beers, please."
My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!"... I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"
Q: What came first; the chicken or the egg? A: The rooster.
Q: What did the can say to the can opener? A: You make me flip my lid.
It is a scientific fact that the gravitational pull of a woman's cleavage on a man's eyes is too strong to be fought!!!
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder. ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
What is ISIL's favourite dessert? Terrormisu
Lumberjacks are good at maths because of their log rhythms Thanks, HL Math.
Sideburns of Reddit, I mustache you a question Not really. I just came here to... *bust your chops.* \*snickers maniacally\*
A watch dog is like a regular dog,only it can show you the time.
That awkward moment; when no one else is laughing, except for you and you can't stop.
What do you call a urinary tract infection caused in a virgin? Immaculate Infection
and so, the squirrel who forgot where he buried his acorn became the squirel who planted this tall beautibful oak tree
How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? The hot dogs taste like ass.
[end of a job interview] Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it? Him: Me: Him: Which half?
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
i have a heavy flow maxi pad in my wallet so it looks like i have lots of money
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattracitve... ...eventually they would find me attractive.
Joss Whedon should open his own version of a Tractor Supply store, with gardening and animal supplies ... ... he could call it Whedon Feed 'n Weed-n-feed
Old Twitter is what you'd get if an engineer brought New Twitter to Steve Jobs, and Steve beat on him relentlessly to simplify it.
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A: "No I just lie there."
Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits. The other 7 glasses are just for me.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? [NSFW] A pick pocket snatches watches.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it's filled with everyone's mother-in-laws.
Where do muslims go when they die? To the ethereal startrek convention.
The Guy who traded a hat for things of equal or greater worth... No, seriously; let me know if you want to trade me something for my hat.
When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over. -me, right now
Why do breasts have nipples? Because without them they would be pointless.
I read murder mystery books starting from the middle. I like the double sided suspense that builds up.
Why don't people tell Chemistry jokes? Because they never get a reaction.
Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid
I killed my wife because I heard mourning sex was so great.
WD-40 is amazing stuff. ...But I should have used a condom.
Jokes Friend1:- Why Do You Break-Up With Her . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Friend2:- Mujhe Kutta Kutta Kahti Thi Or Apne Kutte Ko BABU.. grin.png
[Enter your password] Secret [Password must be 6 characters] Secrete [Password disgusting but accepted]
NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'? "Count" you dumb cunt.
Scientists say that girls can get cancer just for being virgins. Luckily theres a vaccine for that.
Yo Momma so black when she goes swimming poeple thinks shes and oil spill.
Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?
[gets down on 1 knee] Babe will you-- "Yeah... Here it is" [she lends me her phone charger] Thanks
How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!
Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess. But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.
Irritating An irritating friend took a drink from my wife's beer and said, "Ha,Ha, this is one step from kissing your wife!" "Yes it is," I replied, "and two steps from sucking my dick."
My family said if I don't get a Facebook, they'd all get a Twitter I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind I'm the Jesus of social media
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we're having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I went to a massage parlor today... When it was time for the happy ending, I finished in 20 seconds. The massause said I need to come more often.
My friend asked me if I had any black in me I told him not since I got out of prison.
911, what's your emergency? What do you mean you've been stabbed? People can't do that, that's illegal.
Bee population worldwide is exploding. What a time to be a hive.
I don't like telling fat jokes They weigh too much on my conscience
Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game Hurt, bloody, but at least my dad came.
If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?
Sorry people with seeing eye dogs that say 'No petting'. What you can't see won't hurt you.
If a girl has sex with many guys, she's called a slut, but if a guy does the same... ... he's called gay.
What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence? Fresh prints.
"I find it funny when my husband brags about how big his penis is.... .....Mine was way bigger"
Why would Target be the worst store to run the Enterprise? Because they all wear red shirts
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Why doesn't china have casinos? Because they hate Tibet.
INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.
My gay friend told me this joke... But he couldn't keep a straight face
Let's try something different: How about anonymous white people arguing with one another viciously on the internet? Has that been tried yet?
What did the black boy say when he had diarrhea? I'm melting!
Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I'm ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses...
i have to wake up at 3 am tomorrow to go to the airport i've honestly never felt more attacked and victimized than i do now
I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.
Man next to to me just said into his phone "You caught me in the middle of a sandwich." He's lying. He is not in a sandwich.
How many rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but you have to get them in the lightbulb first.
Two Tomatos A father tomato and son tomato were walking down the street. The son was falling behind so the father turned around and **STOMPED** on his son. "**KETCHUP!**"
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now. ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open? GOD: ...
What did Joey Ramone say to the prostitute? Hi ho, lets go.
In 2009, it cost approximately 53,000 dollars to fly a troop to Iraq, and nearly double that to fly them back. Probably because of all the extra baggage.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Why do witches go commando when riding around on their brooms? Better grip. Happy Halloween :)
I made my money the old-fashioned way... I used a printing press
I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version... Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
Why should you never rendezvous with a pack of wolves? Because they are *meet eaters!*
The perfect Irish bean stew (In an Irish accent) Why does d' perfect Irish stew require exactly two hundred n' terty nine beans? Because if you added one more it'd be two farty.
Why did the marijuana addict always turn his supply packet around when buying it? He heard the grass is greener on the other side
Oxymoron Black people
What do scientists say when they meet each other? Hydrogen Iodide
What do farmers say when something is important to them? It plays a big tractor.
Saw an ad for a used battery in the paper today: "Slightly rusty, in need of repair but has potential"
My name is jafar, I came from afar, I got a bomb in my car, Allah Uakbar
Unemployed teachers ..... Have no class
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Why do they call them "S'mores"? Because you always want another one!
How do these people survive
[traffic jam] MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why? ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It's his birthday
A man is applying for the LAPD and the inspector says: "Got you! You thought this was going to be a repost!"
My Friendster account was hacked. Now I'm being extorted for all those testimonials I wrote. Said no one ever.
A woman's asshole is like a 9-volt battery. You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it.
If you think you're having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
What's even more impressive than a talking dog ? A spelling bee!
I like my women like i like my coffee Ground up in the freezer
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
Motion to rename biological clock "restless egg syndrome."
A prostitute said she would do anything for $10... Guess who just got their car washed!
What did scrooge mcduck use to educate huey , dewey and louie? Duck tapes
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I wouldn't pay 200 to have a lentil on my face
You may not like EVERY government agency... ...but you've really gotta hand it to the IRS.
It's not really fair that little kids can talk and dogs can't. I bet dogs have way cooler stories and they don't ask as many dumb questions.
Have you heard about the new car from Israel? Not only does it stop on the dime, but it picks it up too!
im a normal guy.. i put on my pants on the exact same normal amount of leg way you do. i kno that number. im a nomal guy
Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.
I would tell a joke about fat people, But they have enough on their plate as it is.
Have you heard about the goodweather witch?  She's forecasting sunny spells.
What's the difference between 9/11 and a hand job? 9/11 was an inside job
Did you hear the one about the German sausage? It was the wurst!
What does the nationalist sing at Christmas? Jingo Bells.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
'Your place or mine?' Is the sexiest response to the question: 'Where shall we bury the body?'
"I heard low winter sun is pretty good." - low winter sun from behind a bush trying to throw it's voice
Whats the fastest way into a woman's heart? A pick-axe
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf? He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla? Nobody is sure but if it opened its mouth to speak you'd  listen!
Terrorist Jokes. They'll make you explode with laughter.
Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand... ...in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.
Fire engines are painted red for camouflage, so they can sneak up on fires without being noticed
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two tired.
"Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero."
How does a train eat? It goes chew chew
What happened to the Greek dairy farmer who got robbed on his way to market? He was un-feta-ed of his cheese.
Is this how you reddit ? I threw my old Ironing board out and have started using Katie Price instead. Her legs are easier to open.
What borders stupidity? Canada and Mexico.
Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.
Marilyn Monroe died & was reincarnated into thousands of white girls who can't be handled at their worst, and aren't deserved at their best.
LPT: If you're cold, try standing in a corner. They are usually about 90
If I said I was the king of the jungle, I'd be lion to you.
If they make a new Contra game with the original one as a minigame inside it... Will it be a contraception?
I'm jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I hate it when guys use pickup lines like, 'Hey, what's your friend's name?' on me. Worst pickup line ever.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse.
Apple products Remove the USB port and nobody bats an eye. Remove the headphone jack and everybody loses their minds!
Some grade school humor What's brown and sticky? * ** *** **** *** ** * A Stick!!
Why do most men like women with big boobs and tight pussies? Because most men have big mouths and small cocks.
What do you call a woman who obsesses over learning about sex? An info-maniac.
I lost 130 pounds of useless fat! Divorce is great!
I'm calling it now: I'm going to discover the cure for blindness and make billions of dollars someday. You'll all see.
Whats the Diffrence Between Hitler and Usain Bolt? One can acctualy finish a race
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
what do you call a bookstore that's also a bar? tequila mockingbird
Did you know: if you put your ear upon a stranger's leg... ...you can hear them saying "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"
My girlfriend. ..probably tells me a lot that I don't listen to her.
I used to work as a waiter at an insane asylum... Serving soup to nuts.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Today my dad died in a scuba accident It was a very depressing situation
What did Dj Khaled say to the barn owl? You talonted
"Darling, your teeth are like stars." "So yellow and so far apart..."
Who cares if toilet paper is soft or not? Only an asshole can tell the difference anyway.
Did you hear the one about Jerry Sandusky molesting kids? If not, it's okay - neither did the Police.
The difference between snowmen and snowwomen. Snowballs.
What do you call it when you get an erection at a funeral? Mourning wood
What do you call a small bull? A MINI-TAUR!
How do you know when an accountant's on holidays? He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.
There is a mathematical theory for good sex The heat of the meat is directly proportional to angle of the dangle given that the mass of the ass is constant.
How many Redditors does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to keep browsing Reddit and another to get someone else to do it.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her "Need a bigger size?" I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
When is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.
You breed dogs? Don't they do that on their own?
I really hope the word "sodomized" doesn't appear in my autopsy report.
My New Yahoo Password NoSecur!Ty
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Why is buying a macbook like using a high end prostitute? Because you spend more but, at least you don't get a virus
A boy said to his father one day, "Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician." His father responded, "I'm sorry, son, you can't have it both ways."
What does a monk say when you evict him? Namaste
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I'm so sick of seeing so many lazy abortion jokes on here Like can we just cut it out already?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If Santa knows who's being bad, maybe he could have given us a heads-up during the early planning stages of the Holocaust.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I just moved to Wisconsin, and my neighbour invited me over to meet his wife and his sister. When I got there... ...the three of us had dinner.
What do you say when you see your TV floating in the middle of the night? Drop it Ni**a (sorry for the offensive word)
If anyone finds 786 barely used tubes of Chapstick around my city, they're mine. I need them all back.
What goes "ha ha, thump thump?" A guy laughing his balls off.
How many SCPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [DATA EXPUNGED]
Did you hear about that boxer who adopted a child from Asia? It's Mike's Thai Son.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
A man walks into a fancy dress party in calvin klein briefs... The host asks him 'what are you dressed as?' Premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.
What happens in a chinese restaurant when the power goes out? It'll dim sum
How do deer get revenge? By giving each other a taste of their own venison
Selling Darwinian birds: 5 for $5 Buck finches; get money.
"I don't have to outrun the bear! Just you!" Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Why do some vaginas smell like dead fish? Cause da pussy killed it
Two programmers walk into a bar: a blond, a brunette and a red head.
What Daft Punk song is a hit amongst the hispanic community? Juan more time!
Why hasn't the Rastafarian gone to see the barber? He's dreading it.
If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
What do, you call a handicapped person with a, vasectomy? A seedless, vegetable.
What is the name of one of the Chinese gymnasts competing at the Rio Olympics? Wai Tu Yung
My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy. It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.
What has four wheels and flys? A garbage truck.
What car does a Mexican drive? A Quebrolet.
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.
My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.
What is a Canadian vampire's favourite drink? Type Eh.
Please don't feed the Kardashians.
Me: "OMG, my abs are so sore!" 12: (sarcastically) "What abs?" Me: "The abs hiding under this protective layer of you're grounded."
Apparently, "No kidding!" isn't a good response when your boss says he's confused.
What did the guy with leprosy say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
Why didn't Sally become a prostitute to pay her bills? Because it was Plan B.
Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.
Why don't penguins ever get married? They always get cold feet! ^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out.
I got into a fight with a baseball player. It wasn't too bad. All I did was strike him three times and he was knocked out.
I'm going to read braille to the deaf... For the ASL competition.
[NSFW] what did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip
What is simultaneously the best and sh*ttiest way to start your day? Pooping
Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.I laughed at the irony.Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
No wonder ghosts can be disruptive. Some are hundreds of years old and they have to hear us say shit like "My mouse is out of batteries."
In my experience, less than 40% of people wearing "Duke" sweatshirts are actual dukes.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? (NSFW) You can keep the tip...
My friend got a tattoo of his wife's name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Roses are red, Violets are blue I have Alzheimer's To get to the other side
5 minutes into watching willy wonka and the chocolate factory and I'm craving chocolate This is why I can't watch breaking bad
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
us teens are tired of being murdered all the time in movies. why not make the next murder victim a chimp in a suit or a plant
I was at my friend's house the other day and saw his dog licking its balls. "Oh, I wish I could do that" I said, my friend then replied back "Give him a biscuit and he might let you"
I've yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby's restroom.
Whenever my neighbor looks like they want to speak to me. I collapse to the ground motionless as if I were one of Andy's toys.
Why did? Why did the house cross the road, One of the most difficult to solve cross the road jokes, I'll give the answer when you all give.
What do pedophiles and rappers have incommon They both like da booty
Why couldn't Frodo drop the Ring into Mt. Doom? Force of Hobbit.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you've changed my entire outlook. I don't hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I was thinking about donating some money to my local hospital... But then I realized they'd probably just spend it on drugs.
How do you get 300 babies in a bowl? Blender. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips
Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub. I think it's syncing.
If my grandmother was on Twitter, I bet most of her tweets would be about raisins.
Who does Batman call when he needs to cool down his expensive drinks? The Just-Ice League.
Scary Story Told In Only Five Words Your browser history is public!
Not a mean plane joke. Wouldnt want to make a joke about the air asia flight as it would be plane wrong and offensive.
What do you call Dora the Explorer in an Iron Man suit? FeDora I'll see myself out.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from.
Why does Manny Pacquiao hate Spring so much? Because of May weather.
What's better than two roses on your paino? Tulips on your organ.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions? Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? T: Holy Shit
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
Why doesn't Ganondorf like going on the internet? There are too many Links.
So I've been hearing a lot about this Baader-Meinhof phenomenon recently [baader-meinhof phenomenon](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baader-Meinhof_phenomenon#Frequency_illusion)
the sign at this subway bathroom says employees must wash hands. ive been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. nothing.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Q: What's the best sport to learn when you are moving? A: Boxing
Wife: I'm hungry! Me: I'll order pizza Wife: YOU THINK I'M FAT! Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already? Wife: WHAT?! Me: what what??
What did the cannibal do After he dumped his girlfriend Wipe his arse
What did the moderate muslim say to the radical muslim? Hello friend!
"on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart." If walmart had tour guides.
Did you get a haircut? No. I got all of them cut.
I don't know who you are, but if you don't stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will kill you.
Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.
I threw a cat in a lake I have finally made a pussy wet.
Why bachelors are skinner than married men A bachelor goes into the kitchen, opens the fridge, sighs, goes to bed. A married man goes into the bedroom, lifts the blanket, sighs, goes to the fridge.
What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say? His and Hearse.
I laughed at a lot of the posts here on Reddit. They /r/jokes.
Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten
I can never decide whether to slam on my breaks or go through a yellow light, so I do an annoying combination.
What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth? A pedi-file
Did you hear the joke about the sewing machine? It'll leave you in stitches!
How do you unload a truck load of puppies? With a pitchfork
Did you hear about the magic tractor? Turned into a field.
Me: No, you hang up first Pizza Hut: *click*
Is "humpty dumpty" another way of saying "fuck and forget"?
Why do scuba divers falls backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
I haven't slept for 10 days.... ...because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg
What's the hardest part to eat on a vegetable? The wheelchair
Two hefty guys are drinking in the pub, one says "Your round."
Women having sex with me ...HA
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
What kind of animal lives in a triangle Hippotenuse
What do outlaws eat with their milk? Crookies.
If people on Twitter found a horses' head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops.....
Why do southern girls get pregnant so much more than northern girls? Because it takes them so much longer to say "Kaaa-WIT!"
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
There would be no evil in the word..... if Satan had life alert.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I work in the meat department and a customer asks me what is the difference between the Halal chicken and the regular chicken. I said "Regular chicken lays eggs. Halal chicken lays hand grenades."
What kind of music does a factory worker listen to? Industrial Metal
How do you pick up a fat chick? Piece of cake.
I took some roadkill I hit home to barbeque for dinner, On a related note... anyone have any use for a child's bicycle and backback?
look to the left... look to the right... that's how every black joke starts...
Did you hear about the new anti-depressant for lesbians? It's called tricoxagain.
A guy comes into a bar. No wait.. it was a horse. So, a guy comes into a horse...
Son, when a man and a woman love each other very much that means they've probably only been dating 6-8 months.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar The bartender says would you like a beer? Descartes says "I think not" and promptly vanishes.
Why do Jews Brag About How Great Their Children Are? Because they don't win traditional dick measuring contests.
My Asian friend asked me what the word correctible meant... I replied, "It's what you call an object regarded as being of value or interest to a collector."
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather - With Benefits
Cop: You were speeding so I'm going to be giving you a ticket Me: Ooh, could I win something Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Why was the fruit farmer losing money? He couldn't grow a pear
What do you call a stork that doesn't bring babies? A swallow
Teacher: Name four members of the cat family Pupil: Daddy cat mummy cat and two kittens !
How do whores in Westeros get into the castle? Hodor.
Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read? Because it's re-fined!
What's the difference between a roasted chicken and a time bomb? If you don't know the answer please never invite me to dinner.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson. If you don't finish something...it's really not the end of the world.
Did you know diarrhea is a genetic disorder? It runs in your jeans.
What do you call a sugar substitute that has poor taste? Sweet and Low-brow..
A jewish kid asks his dad for $20 His dad replies: $10!?!... What do you need $5 for?
So there's this new music attraction at SeaWorld featuring some guy they call Squid Barrett. They refer to themselves as Ink Floyd.
Why rivers are never viewed on dvd or video cassette? Because they are always streaming.
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
How do programmers like their snacks? Byte-sized.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
My children drive me to drinking... As soon as they got their licenses I made them start bringing me to the bar.
Black Friday has taken all of my money : Robinson Crusoe
I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I've never been there
What is a mexican's favourite sport? Cross-Country Running
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
A legendary quote by Mahatma Gandhi "History is not created by those who browse in incognito mode"
Dr. Dre Beats.
What's the difference between fire and water? Everything, dumbass
My wife got my daughter a bowl with Dora on it It's adorable
I just bought my wife some new eyes, a new nose and a new mouth... I can't wait to see her face when she opens them.
What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? Albert Einstein's dick.
friend: wish you were here! me, abruptly stopping whatever I'm doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
THE DOCTOR WITH HIS PATIENT The doctor to the patient: You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: Yes, you are very ugly too...'
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
What do you call someone from Massachusetts who murders a bunch of Catholics? A Mass. Mass Mass Murderer.
Eat local. Your neighbor's food.
What do you call a confidence game within a confidence game within (yet another) confidence game? Conception
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I'm slowly and quietly moving everything back.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you're using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I keep getting calls telling me that I have outstanding bills... ...and while I appreciate the compliment, they're really nothing special.
"Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store
My friend told me all women are the same. He always makes broad generalizations.
Donald Trump is 69. Let's hope the death trend carries on. Third time's the charm.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
History We Live in Generation where.. . . "Deleting History is more important than Creating History" :-D
[camping] "Dad I'm afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me" -don't be silly. It'll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My wife said yesterday... That I don't listen to her..I said: OK, sounds good
Why are photographers always so depressed? Because they always focus on the negatives.
The man is crying on the cemetry. -Why did you leave us so early? He is asked why are you so crying? Do you cry about your close relative? -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.
the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth.
Why do guys think to much They have two heads
"You do realize it's a crime to lie in court, right?" *I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*
How many Trump campaign managers does it take to change a lightbulb? Hopefully not very many because they keep getting fired.
Wood Tits A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?
My wife woke me up all excited this morning... She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.
Kim Kardashian's butt Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks?  A: Silicon Valley.
Failed my biology test today: They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake] You'd better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn't want to talk to you.
Twitter 1 Act: -Person misreads sarcasm -You point out it's sarcasm -"I know I was being sarcastic back" -Sharpen pencil, jam it in own eye
Love doesn't walk away, people do.
Baby, did you sit on my F5 key? Cuz dat ass is refreshing.
[wakes up from a 72-year-long coma] oh nazis are still a thing huh
I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I'm walking away from talking to someone they say "What an ass?"
You can tell Monopoly's an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, they're all too busy complaining about this joke.
If you were on top of a pile of gay guys... would you get off?
What do you get if you cross a SJW and Jason Voorhees? Social justice.
Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage Elves: no! Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light
I wonder how many lightbulbs it takes to change a baby.
Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but prune juice and viagra? He couldn't tell if he was coming or going.
I went for a job interview. The bloke asked, "Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?" "Same as now - in photos and mirrors," I replied
A pirate walks into a brothel and says... "ARG! THERE SHE BLOWS!" Edit: Wow 8 views. thanks guys :D
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can't be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Oh, you were sexually harassed in the workplace? Sounds like a personnel problem.
what did the asian german say to that Jew joke that hit the front page ? I Reich
How do crows know what time is it? They have the knights watch .
Let's hold off calling dolphins the smartest animal until they stop getting caught in nets.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
California is the best state. The nerds make the apps and the agents make the moving pictures. We keep the idiots happy. Give us your water.
Yo mama so fat She couldn't fit in this joke.
This bread is my meat, this wine is my blood... ... and this beer and milk are... -Master, that's enough, I ran out of ink!
What's 6.9? 69 interrupted by a period.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
You can't change the past. But you can sit around in your underwear, dwelling on it and crying over what could have been.
I had to take my horse to get surgery last week The doctor told me he's in stable condition
[shows up 2 hours late for interview] Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
It was so cold in D.C. today... ...that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing
I could never be friends with a dildo. They're stuck-up cunts.
If your going to be two faced at least make one of them pretty.
Masturbation should be considered a craft... as it is 100% hand made.
I dropped my phone in the bath Now it's syncing.
I was in a masturbating competition... I came 1st twice!
Ebola causes nausea, headaches and is hard to get rid of. Is it a disease or a U2 album?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.
Why did 8 break up with 7? Because 7 always came first!!!
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? - A: It stole the show!
I was worried about the population problem But then I realized we just shouldn't give a fuck.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. "If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?" Diabetes?
There are 11 types of people in the world... Those that understand binary, those that don't, and those that thought this would be the 10 kinds of people joke.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. HA.
Whats the difference between racism and asians? Racism has many faces.
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale
Where do kids with ADHD go for the summer? Concentration camp.
I'm not paranoid, but I feel like there's someone reading this...
Why do tachyons program in assembly? Because it's faster then C
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted. "Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
Butte Creek beer slogan! It dont taste shitty!
Where there is a will, there is usually a death.
I told her it's been a while. She told me that was fine. It's just like riding a bike. Now she's mad I checked her for proper inflation
I finally figured out the secret to click bait.
I don't know why people are upset about the Florida night club incident. I would love to get free shots at my local bar!
If you can read this please let me know because, it means I blocked the wrong person. I'm still getting used to this Stupid timeline!
Show me on this Russian nesting doll where the bad man hid many more, smaller versions of you
What do you call the next generation of motherboard? A daughterboard.
There are two types of people in this world Those who can extrapolate information based off of the given context
what's the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? one guest
I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes. Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.
For sale  Dead Budgie Not going cheep
If mental hospitals had walkways... They'd be called psychopaths.
First take an ass and put another ass behind it. Then I come. Then the whole nation comes after me.... That is how you spell assassination
What did the bacterium do when its sibling stepped on its toe? "My toe sis!"
Did you hear about the power surge across the street? I heard it was a shocking experience.
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? ...it was Luke warm.
How I Crossed the Desert by Rhoda  Camul
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it really hard.
A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I'm so confused.
I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting.
What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)
Child protective services? Who's protecting the parents Huh? WHO'S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
"We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight." - Corporate ants.
I've looked all over the Google and "fuck you sideways" is not French for anything, Sir.
What is green and has cake? Grass. The cake is a lie.
Did you hear the one about the tiny prisoner who went down the stairs? It's a little condescending. ;)
The problem with political jokes is that they always get elected
Political(&amp; Subtle) Joke Why was the Tree afraid of the Bush? Because the Bush did 9/11
I thought about going on an all-almond diet But that's just nuts.
A Women' Apology I am sorry, But it was Your mistake.
PLEASE LEAVE A VOICEMAIL (if you're calling from 1986)
How many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Only juan.
OMG I'M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[ER] HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler. DOC:... H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand. D: Rub kale on it.
My German plumber just hooked my gas line to my shower. I guess old habits die hard.
When Jedi need to read PDFs, they use Adobe Wan Kenobi.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't rape the sandwich before I eat it.
Psychics develop their "6th sense" as soon as their sense of shame is dwarfed by their sense of how gullible people are.
heres a bad joke your life
You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It's called acid reflux.
My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her. Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.
Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side...
What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor? I'd tap that.
I met this vegetarian girl yesterday i had never met herbivore
It's ironic how the people that take a picture of themself in the mirror can't see how stupid they look.
Who would be Sub Zero's perfect rival in the Marvel Universe? Thor.
What is Al Qaeda's favourite team? New York Jets
dark humor never gets old just like a kid with cancer
What do you call a Greek guy walking down the stairs? Con-Descending
What is Fido the dog's favorite part of a tree? Bark! What is his favorite canine? Wolf! How does he like his sex? Ruff!
Fitness friend: Do you know what you're putting in your body? *flashes back to ex *shudders
Me: Two fingers here. Son: OK. M: One in the other hole. S: Got it. M: Relax your wrist. Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM? M: Bowling. Chill.
What I admire about England I'm a Malaysian man,and I went to England for my 2 weeks vacation.What surprise me,the kid in England,5-7 years old,already know how to speak English
"Git yer cotton pickin hands off a my gin." -Eli Whitney
HER: do u have a condom ME: u bet [whistles] [an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat] H: holy shit M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I like my women like I like my pie.... Made by my grandmother.
How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone? Put it into airplane mode.
The doctor told Harry Potter to drink 2L of Water a Day, but Harry didn't listen. Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.
Whats the difference between an elephant and a grape? They are both purple, except for the elephant.
5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions... I'm just gonna let that sink in for a second.
What do prostitute Equine wear? They wear Whoreshoes
My credit card number is 4339-8245... Wait. Is this Amazon?
Why do they call it a "waist"? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits down there.
I like my chocolate like I like my men. Rich.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you'll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Why can't ovaries sail a boat? Because they are not sea-men.
A little lizard So a girl walks into a bar with a little lizard and the bartender asks her what she has in her hands. She replies that it's my newt.
{Kid's bday party} Me: Where's the cake? Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.
She:Hey,Whats up? Me:Onion prices. S:You know what I mean,like What's crackin'? M:Nutshells. S:Really?Fine.What's poppin? M:Corn. *Blocked*
"Those who can't do, teach..." And those who can't teach... [teach gym.](/spoiler)
I just found out I'm colour blind The diagnosis came completely out of the green. (Courtesy of a family member)
How can you tell if a potato is baked? It's [eyes](http://i.imgur.com/KwCyY.jpg) are all red and glossy.
No one shows their true character more than when they are retrieving their bags from baggage claim
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.
Does saying "No Nigerian scammers" in your ad really deter Nigerian scammers from scamming you Nigeriously?
Whiteboards are amazing! They're just so remarkable!
Cause of death is still a mystery... Authorities haven't ruled out foul play, after finding prince at the scene.
Movember I've decided to buck the trend of Movember this year by not growing a moustache. I'm calling it No-Movember.... Or for short, November.
I always give 100% Which is why I was sacked from being an exam marker.
What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits? Rabbits habits.
What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online? Papal
What does OP never do?
What is Mexicans favourite sport Cross-Country
*Claps along at an opera*
Was gonna' make a long joke about gastrointestinal problems but, I digest.
Johnny was a chemist... ...but Johnny is no more. For what Johnny thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.
TIL Walmart is the richest company in the world by revenue This is the right sub, bitches!
Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers? Its called the MaxiPad
In some parts of the world, it's considered rude to be a woman.
just Facebook stalked the sister of the new boyfriend of the last girl who dated my ex. I'm just as confused as you are
I asked my friends how they decided they were going to have a baby... They said it was just sperm of the moment.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don't flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Mum: Jackie go outside and play with your whistle. Your father can't read his paper. Jackie: Wow I'm only eight and I can read it
How did the medical community come up with the term PMS? Mad cow disease was already taken.
What's the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates. #foreveralone
"Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Do you believe in God? "Do you believe in God?" "Of course! There's only one J.C. for me!"  AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!! !!!
Why did raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face screaming "LIE TO ME"!
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
drugs lead to nowhere....but at least its the scenic route
Do you know that percussionist in the band? Yeah, he rings a bell.
How many tickles does an octopus like? Ten-tickles
The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.
What's another name for a casket? Mourning wood.
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaa!
Why was the broom late to the meeting? It over swept
2nd grade poop joke going around. Knock knock. Who's there? Schmelmop.
Reddit is like a shiny new penny... It's fun to look at but completely worthless
Who is this Rorschach guy? ... and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he's always overreacting and making a mess *spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
How is Santa like a paedophile? They both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks.
A strange woman was pounding at my door at 4am and woke me up. I had to let her out.
"Did you ever try my hot salty water?" - Inventor of soup
Dinosaurs are a lot like my will to live Both died many many years ago
Shoutout to toilet paper... ...for always being there for me while I'm having a shitty day.
What's the difference between a Circumcision and a Crucifiction? With crucifictions, they throw the whole jew away.
What do you call a high security U.S. prison in China? Wonton-amo Bay
How do you start a racist joke? With a look over your shoulder.
What has five bodies and one soul? A Kia full of Gingers.
Bacon causes cancer. Canadian bacon apologizes.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
YOU SHALL NOT PASS! -Texas Senator Wendy Davis
I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 9, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
A guy goes to his doctor, and the doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating." And the guy's like, "Wait, why?" The doctor reploes, "So I can examine you."
What will they play at the presidential inauguration if Republicans win? Trump-ets I'll see myself out
Saturday plans: -get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one. - laundry
I used to have a dog named Ass. RIP Ass
What's hardest part about eating bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on.
thanks, but I'M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My daddy always warned me about the 3 rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
How do you kill a redneck? Wait until he fucks his sister and then cut the brakes on his house.
How can you tell a golf course is owned by Donald Trump? The rough is combed over the fairway
One of the main goals for Republicans is to close our Borders. Well, mission accomplished. I hear they're going after Books-A-Million next.
Water evaporates, condenses, precipitates, and evaporates again. It's a viscous cycle.
Think of this election like turning on a racetrack You do have two decisions but it probably won't be right.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
what's the difference between a wife and a job? After 10 years the job still sucks.
Maybe r/imgoingtohellforthis quality. 4chan ordered Dorner a delivery pizza for Dorner at the cabin, sadly the pizza was burnt when he received it. /leavesroom
What was the vegan craving when he got bit by a zombie? GRRRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNNSSSS
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently, she left me a few days ago.
What is the difference between British beer and a pussy? The pussy only tastes like piss at the start.
What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's mind before she died. The windshield.
What do you say when comforting a grammar nazi? There...their...they're..
My wife's favorite position was cat style. She'd sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn't come near me
Oxygen and Magnesium walk into a bar... OMg!
What happens when a lighter smokes weed? It becomes a high-lighter!
Man walks into a doctor's office Doc: Sir, I'm afraid that you have a very serious case of... onomatopoeia Patient: Oh no! is tha- Doc: Yes... it's exactly what it sounds like
Do you avoid clickbait properly? You don't
A short but funny joke your dick
What do you call a pack of sorority girls who aren't in law school? Deez hoes ain't lawyers.
My gay friend told me he's spending this 4/20 with his boyfriend. He said, "After all, the Bible says 'Two men who lie together shall be stoned'."
Sarcasm so good, they think you're being nice.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald's will still be there to take your money.
If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.
Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt.
What do you tell someone who occupies space and has mass? You matter.
How do you make your wife cry when you're having sex? Ring her up and let her listen
Life is too short to have a small breasted dental hygienist.
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.
What do you say to a chav that has got a job? Bigmac and fries please
a British satanist dates a lot of black women he is a master of the dark arse ( a bad joke )
I'm clingy, but not " Simon Cowell's t-shirt" clingy.
[with father in law] "You know how to pluck a goose, son?" Er yes sir, sure do *stretches goose's neck and plays it like a double bass*
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "see you next month"
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."He replied, "No, just having a shit."
It's absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
When life gives you melons... don't burn the pot roast.
If I was smarter I'd make my social network passwords impossible to type when drunk.
I bet whenever a cow eats a lot of grass she says to her friends "I've been eating like a cow!" and they'd laugh and moo or whatever cows do
Hey guys! I reversed entropy! yportne
I brought a pet iguana home from the pet store... I think there's something wrong with him because he's very lethargic and I can't get him up. It must be a reptile dysfunction.
Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.
I love this hooker. Warts and all.
What do you get when you cross pokemon and digimon?! A poke-mon!
BOSS: you're an hour late GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven't heard?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, 'Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?'
What do you call a fight between film actors ? Star wars !
My girlfriend was crying because she had gum in her hair. I told her to cut it out.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they're the type to corner & chat me up and I don't know what to do HI LAURA
I bought a metronome recently, I left it in my car as I stopped at the bank machine for a minute, came back and it was gone, someone stole it but was caught... ...now I hear the thief is doing 2/4
I was scraping a window at my Grandma's house.... I then thought up a joke for my mom to hear it was "This window scraping stuff is a pane in the glass!" She laughed :)
I share a commute with three friends. Every weekday for the last 15 years I've driven into the city, taking the road that goes under the river. Now the doctor says I have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Having kids can really strengthen a marriage. My wife and I never had a common enemy before.
I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that's a burrito. I love burritos.
What's the difference... What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a bra? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What a lie
Q: What does a king do when he burps? A: He issues a royal pardon.
So my girlfriend throws up in the morning also her stomach is getting bigger. It's time I get it through my head.....She drinks to much..
I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people's houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it'll just be my turn.
I think my daughter might turn out to be the next Martin Scorsese! (Her eyebrows are fucking terrifying)
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out
How do turtles communicate? With shell phones.
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race
I turn heads every time I go to work Makes sense, I'm a chiropractor.
Why don't the Mexicans have an olympics team? Because anybody who can run jump or swim is in the States.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder... It was poultry in auction
Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.
My girlfriend has a pet and I had a pet chicken. Her donkey ate my chicken. Now, I have my cock inside her ass this whole time.
Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting? Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.
They have free mints in the movie theater bathrooms. Wife: "GROSS, who eats mints from the bathroom?!" Me: (Mouth full of mints) "I KNOW!"
2 password hashes were walking down the street, one was assaulted
What kind of musical instrument do mice play ? A mouse organ !
Why was the comic book series depressed? Because it had too many issues.
What do you call four Mexicans drowning? Cuatro sinko
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I just took nitrous oxide, and laxatives. For shits, and giggles.
I want to start an all Chinese, Iron Maiden cover band It'll be called Maiden China
What is a gay guys favorite search engine? Bing Bing
Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting? "hey I'm taking a shit but come on in and join me"
I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
Did you hear about the convict who refused to take a nap? He was resisting a rest.
What do you call a chocolate moose? Dessert.
My girlfriend thinks she has syphilis.. I keep telling her it's all in her head.
Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac. And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
The nephew I'm babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck.
Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard! Tell him I already have one.
What's worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat? Sitting on a warm one.
Knock knock. Who's there? * Fuck. * Fuck who? * Fuck you.
I like my coffee how I like my women... imported
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would've been like.
Text: OMG! I can't believe you tweet such vile, offensive, filthy, sick things. You should be removed from society. GET HELP! Love Mom XO
I asked Princess Leia why her and Han weren't going to make it... She said it is because "Han shot first."
Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
I walked into a lesbian karate class. All that they were doing was scissor kicks.
REMINDER: If men could get pregnant, birth control would be in Hooters' wing sauce.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE
Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control. Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.
What do you get when you squeeze a Synagogue? Jews.
What's the worst part about raping a deaf chick? You have to cut her fingers off so she can't tell anyone!
Don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don't work as hard as you.
What Are Donald Trump's favorite kind of nuts? Wall nuts.
A class is learning about probability.. Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head? Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.
Curiosity both did and did not kill Schrodinger's cat.
Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.
[at a funeral home] ME: One death please
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said "Bread in captivity".
Insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't  let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonite. If you wake in the morning give me a call then and let me know.
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
Put my grandma on speed dial Call that Instagram. My friend told me this a little while ago.
How are you getting on with the Internet? Surf far so good.
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer!
What the the planet Jupiter say to Neptune? I can see Uranus from here.
It was so funny that I forgot to laugh... Said the sarcastic man with dementia.
"How much for this melted ghost?" Sir that's a bed sheet "You have a lot of them! And they're packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL" This is a Macys
I have a joke about this site... never mind you probably reddit
My girlfriend is like the Zika virus She gave me a little head the other day.
The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182
What is a hipster russian roulette? You got six cookies and five of them is gluten free.
What does a British man do when he finds a prostitute and is in the mood? He pounds.
my friends are getting married and i'm here wondering what the diff between a soft taco and a burrito and if i should get both for dinner
If you're a girl and you get a ticket for going 5-10 over the speed limit, you might want to think about plastic surgery.
How many atheist does it take to change a light bulb? None. It will happen itself.
Never trust acupuncturists they are backstabbers
What happened to Ray when he met the  man-eating monster? He became an ex-Ray.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it. Not happy but so be it.
What's the opposite of Easter? Wester
I just rolled my eyes so hard, I can see my brain.
I just got a text from someone I don't know. They say they're sick and vomitting. Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right now.
My doctor's just told me I am suffering from paranoia Well, he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking
Did you hear about Joan Rivers? When they died, they realized she was an organ donor. They used the plastic to make toys for the orphan children.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
85% of the time I spend in a bathroom stall is spent waiting for the other person in the bathroom to leave.
I accidentally called out my mums name during sex and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
I got attacked by someone who suffers with premature ejaculation today. He just came out of nowhere.
You know, Mexican and Blacks jokes are really starting to bore me. Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
Whats the difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball? You can't fit a prostitute in a bowling ball.
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the "strong orphans."
A roofer is working on a house and falls through the ceiling and the people on the inside say, "nice of you to drop in."
Never hold in a fart... they go to your head, and that's where shitty ideas come from.
Q: Why are ghouls green? A: Because they didn't take their travel sickness pills.
I took a taste from the bag of white powder I found in my son's backpack and my worst fears were realized. Gymnastic chalk.
*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough* *waits till everyone leaves* *takes out cell phone* Hello 911? Please send all your ambulances
Why does a redneck find his cousin more attractive than a stranger? Because it's all relative.
Do NOT lower your standards to "keep" anyone. Make them meet you at YOUR level. Self respect is power.
There is nothing funny about PMS **.**
Which one of the ten men won the pun contest? No pun in ten did!
Commercial for Twitter dot com: *man yells nonsense out his window* Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Once you go black... You're a single mother.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Naming your child "Roger" is fine, until you have to tell someone about it over a two-way radio.
If Catholics are in a demonstration... ... Are they Protestants?
I totally bombed my LSATs by writing in "Possession" for nine-tenths of the answers.
What kind of disease do you get from birds? Chirpes. It's a canarial disease, and I hear it's untweetable.
I carry around a note in my wallet that says, "The curse must be passed, I'm so sorry" in case it's ever stolen.
so my girl friend just called me a pedofile i told her that was a big word for a 5 year old
Nipples: Nature's thermometer.
Why did the plant say after being watered? "I'm not hungry exactly, but I could still use a light snack".
My friend once had the GALL to call me the 'N' word, which really pissed me off. So I told him, "Hey, ASSHOLE, think twice before calling me a nihilist, you dumb nigger."
Why do Jewish men get circumcised ? Cause Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off.
I quit my job as a prostitute because nobody gave a fuck.
Why doesn't Santa have kids? He only comes once a year
So many people have a messiah complex these days.... I'm like "Jesus Christ!"
Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!
A Physics major finds his girlfriend in bed with another man. He threatens to take matters into his own hands.
Two cannibals were having lunch. 'Your girlfriend makes a great soup' said one to the other. 'Yes!' agreed the first. 'But U'm going to miss her terribly.'
Que es la nombre con un bebe burro? un burrito
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the asshole for tripping him??
How did the sailor deal with the death of his friend? He sent out a message in remorse code.
My friend and I were finally able to laugh off how competitive we are with each other. But I laughed harder.
*pregnant wife wakes up* I think my water broke *I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed* Let's go to the hospital
How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ? With a Crowbar!!!!!
Dude in front of me at Starbucks made a big show about calling his Grande a "medium" and the barista was like, "Uck, this again"
Some people wouldn't understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
What is zero in Roman numerals? Nothing
I saw a church's sign say "God is my Facebook." Does that mean two men can poke each other on God?
I'm a racist I think the human race is the best one.
What do you call a donkey in space? A wild asstronaught.
I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?" I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."
I'd hit that. - women drivers
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I'm self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
How do you pickup chicks in Auschwitz ? With a dustpan..
If I were Russian I'd be Vladimir Poopin
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
What does Ebola and US police have in common? A high body count of black people
I went to go smoke a joint with some Mexicans. When I asked if they had any papers they all ran.
Why does it take *two* premenstrual women to change a light bulb? #BECAUSE!!
Nothing waters down the word "ultimate" like ultimate frisbee.
What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.
Why doesn't Ebola harm fruit? Because if it affected an Apple it'd be called I-Bola.
What happens when you goose a ghost? You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)
An Irish walks past a bar. ...
Oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing the internet on my phone
A tiny Tarzan swinging from your Tampon string.
My doctor told me I'm suffering from a Superman complex. But I couldn't stay for long, so I had to fly.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.
Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died." Vampire 2: "How awful!"  Vampire 1: "Yes. Fortunately I found some in the neck of time."
Was talking to a friend about taking many baths a day. "There's no harm in taking baths repeatedly unless you are soap."
I just bought a film with...
When I woke up this morning, the garbage disposal was making a funny noise. Turns out he was just masturbating in the next room.
The Id, The Ego, and The Super Ego walk into a bar.... The Id, The Ego, and The Super Ego walk into a bar. No they didn't! Yes, they did! None of this even matters!
If Reddit up/down voting were to be applied in real life as an immediate feedback of the spoken word crowed subway trains would be a much quieter place.
Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn't need a food anymore.
I heard Donald Trump's apartment is made completely from marble. Apart from the showers. Those are golden.
What does a woman and KFC have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbonzo bean? I wouldn't let a Garbonzo bean all over my face.
You got acute appendicitis .. No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*
What do you call a melon that's had a bit too much to drink? A Watermelon...
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp Then again, he's the only Jedi to ever die from old age Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
What do quantum physicists do when life gives them lemons? Everything
I would tell you a chemistry joke about Sodium and Bromine Oxide but... Na BrO
Tried to type hustlin', iPhone corrected to hustling'. I don't need to see the casing to know that I've got the white iPhone.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city is the joker stil in jail-- i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do batman is not a cool as u
I wonder if Ninja-Siri wields Cortanas.
I wish life was more like hockey... Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?
ur mama is sooo fat she sat on a dollar and made 4 quarters pop out.
Where'd the rabbi stay on business? The L'Hyatt
How'd the husband know his wife was fooling around? Got home from work, kicked off her panties, and they stuck to the wall
One time I walked in on my brother, masturbating. We locked eyes for what felt like forever. Then he yelled, "Why the hell are you masturbating!?"
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... Unless you're in prison (I'll see myself out)
A bit rapey.. The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday? Second boy: No I'm having a witch do. First boy: What's a witch do? Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.
What is the capital of Greece? More than the capital of the UK.
Lawyer Joke :) What's the difference between a Lawyer &amp; a Hooker? A hooker quits screwing you when you're dead :)
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Why did the farmer's wife got angry at him for paying too much attention to his equipment? He kept looking at his hoes.
Why do you want to run for President? Because walking wouldn't burn enough calories.
Vote for the Best Military Joke of 2008 | Funny Stuff | Reader's Digest
Guy cut me off & I shouted, "you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND." Cause he needs to know I'm angry, yet progressive.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said... "Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they're going to die."
PBS is starting a new children's show... for kids along the Mexican-American border. It's called Maquiladora the Explorer.
What was the warlock's favorite cookbook? The Necronomnomnomicon.
What do you call it when someone accidentally gives you a handjob? A stroke of luck.
Did you hear about the kidnapping down the street? His mother wouldn'twake him until 3.
A man goes to a doctor with a large, dirty toad on his head. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" And the toad replies, "Hey, Doc, there's something stuck to my ass."
I got lost in a closet as a child... When I came out, my parents, although supportive, really weren't that happy.
When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren't available
Why can't steven hawking perform comedy? He can't do stand up
What do you call a man in the middle of the ocean with no arms or legs? Bob
What's the difference between dead animals on the road and dead lawyers on the road? Dead animals have skid marks AROUND them
Holland break FIFA rules by accidentally scoring against Brazil
My girlfriend of 8 years recently told me she used to be a man This actually itsn't a joke I just had to get it off my chest. I'm heartbroken, what should I do?
Heard this from a homeless guy in Philly What did one testicle say to the other testicle? Ya know, just between you and me, that guy's a dick.
So a Blonde is sitting with her Blonde friend at the bar... ...and says to her friend "I slept with a brazilian last night." "That's **terrible!**" her friend says. "How much is a brazilian?
Where is the best place to buy authentic shrunken heads? Brazil
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I'm breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her "Stop."
Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.
I don't research Nihilism anymore. What's the point?
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous... ... I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week, and I have to say, I'm disappointed.
They say if your erection lasts... They say if your erection lasts more than 4 hours that you should call a doctor... I say you should tell your wife to call some friends!
(NSFW) Coors Light is like having sex in a canoe. Fucking close to water.
How is cunnilingus like riding a bike with an open face helmet? It's a lot of fun as long as you don't end up with bugs in your teeth.
What's better than roses on my piano? Tulips on my organ!
What do you call a run-down and Italian neighborhood? The Sphaghetto
I got fired from my job at the Orange Juice factory They said I couldn't concentrate
Why do women prefer 77 more than 69? Because they get 8 (ate) more. Repurposed from a /u/sciomancy6 comment.
A seal walks into a club And soon after an Inuit family has a nice meal.
Marathons should keep going until only one person hasn't shit themselves and that person should be the winner.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
What did the tin man say after he was ran over by a steamroller? "Curses! Foil again!"
Long ago, my mentor told me to look into self improvement. He used to mumble a bit, though. Now I don't have the discipline to actually build one, but I know everything about constructing shelves.
Love, ethnic food, &amp; the end of the world. What do you kiss on a Mexican dish that will trigger the end of the world? El Taco Lips.
If you're in a clown posse, you don't need to tell us you're insane. We know. Nobody's thinking you're an emotionally stable clown posse.
Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
What's a Chinese chicken's favorite vegetable? Buock choi
Russian nesting dolls are so pretentious. They're so full of themselves.
I'm in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion "The true grease stain remover"
Can't believe I'm not invited to things I'd never go to.
Winnie-the-Pooh is in tears He got Triggered.
the dead are the best people to not show respect to. suck it, anonymous author of the epic of gilgamesh. I can run& breathe. your just bones
Sex while camping... It's in tents.
How does Hilary Clinton clean her glasses? By wiping the mainframe.
A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please" Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
Love is a decision. I have decided not to smother my husband with his pillow. Our love will live another day.
What do people call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus
How to you get rid of the dandelions on your lawn? Paint one of them black; the others will move away.
Vegetables They never knew what hit em
fun prank: replace sugar packets at restaurants with cocaine
Me: Hi. Can I help you? Him: I'm here about the wanted ad for the one night stand Me: Great. Where is it? Him: What? Me: The nightstand.
Do you think it's ok to lie to a girl in order to sleep with her...? Because I feel really bad about lying to my mom like that
ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u'd never ask
If Pluto isn't a planet because it's too small... then do you really have a penis?
My Life I just lost like 500 on betting..What the fuck am i doing with my life
What do you call a make-believe country for wizards? A magi nation
Frozen "I hate how everyone is obsessing over frozen. They really need to just let it go."
What's the difference between a woman and a gun? Guns don't move out when you bring a new one home.
Hey man, why do you have all these self help books on your floor? I hate my shelf.
A black man walks into a bar "Why the wrong face?" the bartender says.
Why can't a muslim have SexEd and Driver'sEd on the same day? Their camels need a break at some point.
Old man and old lady... Old man amd old lady were lying in bad. Old lady: You know, I still can put my legs in air. Old man : Me too!... but, who gonna fuck us?
What did little John Cena say to his primary school teacher when she gave him his report card? You can't C me!
Me: If that baby won't stop crying I'm walking out & going to another restaurant. Gf: You used to do that too. Me: that was months ago.
The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes... So Ikea'd his car.
How do you get Cream of Mushroom in Pokemon? Put 2 Amoonguss' in the daycare.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
"Lord, can I have a pony?" Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I want to die drunk and peacefully like my grandfather Not like his 6 other screaming passengers
I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.
Wife: You act like a child with that phone. Me: Child? I'm a grown ass man. Wife: Let me see your phone. Me: No. *snatches phone Me: MINE
Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here Both looked at each other And the seat remained empty :p
Ran out of time At work today a coworker said to me... Coworker: I was goin to make a smoothie for breakfast but I ran out of time .   Me: You put thyme in your smoothie ?! .
Why did Jesus come back from the dead? Because Mary Magdalene was his Horcrux.
I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she's not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.
With all the division in this country, I wanted to reach out... ...and tell my Latin friends "Feliz ano nuevo!"
Adding Blonde Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
Is there a mouse in the house ? No but there's a moose on the loose !
Every yo-yo trick should be called "no friends."
My mate says I don't understand irony... Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop at the time.
Have you heard of the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines everywhere.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting
What did Earth say to the Sun? My life revolves around you!
Sausages... They're the wurst.
Your life.
Why did the vegan zombie visit the coma ward? Because it only ate vegetables.
Every picture I've seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.
A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is... These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say "worthwild"
Roses are red, violets are blue... 9/11 was an inside job.
Why didn't the Mexican take Xanax? He was barred.
Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web.
Today I met a guy who said he was a Premature Ejaculator He came out of nowhere
Occam's Disposable Razor When given multiple equally valid choices, choose the one that costs the least money.
"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."
What's the only buttons that work on a redditor's computer? Copy + paste...
What is it called when you pay a hooker? An Entrance Fee.
I swear on my momma imma upvote this post, since you sweared on your momma upvote this post.
Yo Mama So Fat Yo mama so fat that her Schwarzschild radius equals 1 cm.
"Edge of Tomorrow" is about a guy who's forced to relive the same thing over and over and over again, day after day after day. I can't relate at all.
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?  A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Rednecks What do you call a redneck virgin? A 10 year old girl who can run faster than her brother and father
What's the difference between you and me? You came OUT of your mom's vagina.
I wish my laundry was more like protein... so it would fold itself!
How many Horsemen of the Apocalypse does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. War never changes.
Zoo visitor: What's the new baby hippo's name? Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know he won't tell me.
Dracula Why is Dracula's favorite subject in school Math? Because he likes to Count.
Lets role play I'll be Osama, You be a cave, and I'll hide up inside you
Boy if these walls could talk I'd be like "HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS"
For my photography project, I took my camera to a strip club Everyone in my photos came out a little over-exposed.
If the FBI wants to get into people's iPhone's without permission... They should just ask U2
when I see a Facebook relationship status 'it's complicated' I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
(JOKE)."KERMIT THE FROG" vanndukeandsammy sammy:what is kermit the frog favorite food?....vann duke: I don't know,tell me what is kermit the frog favorite food?....sammy:french flies!
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Why do engineers have to practice their social skills? So they don't forget either of them.
What is green, and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
I'd watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
Brains are awesome... I wish everyone had one.
Helium walks into a bar and orders water. The bartender apologises, "sorry sir we are out of water" ... It doesn't react
Men's underwear should be called "manhole covers"
I like my women as i like my whiskey... 10 years old and locked in a basement
If I was a boss anywhere my job interviews would consist of only one question: who do you play as in Mario Kart
Finding out a gay guy has a crush on you is like finding 1,000,000 pesos. You'll think "Well, I can't do much with this right now, but if I ever cross that line I'll be just fine"
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
have you ever wondered why stephen hawkins is in a wheelchair it's because he was getting smart with Chuck Norris
Wanna hear a story about a ghost? That's the spirit.
Thanksgiving. The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.
What do you call more than two English blokes masturbating? A Union Jack.
Describe your sex life in two words. "My what?"
When did razors get so expensive? Three more payments and I'll be able to shave
How I wear a scarf: 1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder 2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it. 3. Repeat
A love letter to my iPhone The apple of my I
Why don't Nazi's like strip clubs? Because, they don't like Poles.
Doctor doctor I think I've been bitten by a  vampire. Drink this glass of water. Will it make me better? No but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
You get a fish bite! You get a fish bite! You get a fish bite! You're all getting fish bites! - OPiranha
How do I explain to my dog tonight that thunder isn't the all powerful god of canine destruction searching for him with every boom
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life. It keeps getting harder and I can't stop eating everything in sight.
My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.
Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.
My Girlfriend is writing a book about menstrual cycles. It's a period piece.
Waiter your tie is in my soup! That's all right sir it's not shrinkable.
Why are shoes always tied in the ghetto? Because if not, you always be trippin nigga.
A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
What's got two wings, a tail and twenty five pricks? England's return flight.
I don't like jokes about midgets... ...they're low-hanging fruit.
What did the house say to the other house when it fell on it. Get off me Homes.
A skeleton walks into a bar... and he says to the bartender... "Give me a beer and give me a mop!"
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!
I saw a dramatic comedy about a guy with PbA. The plot was confusing... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry..
Me? Need a Bag? Nah chill son, Ima juggle this 6 pack of beer and watermelon on my head while riding a scooter.
I once went 11 years without Masterbating... Then I turned 12
What's it called when a Roman sees too many flashing colors? A Julius Seizure.
I joked at school drop off that the white stuff on my kid was powdered sugar, not cocaine, but I took it too far by rubbing some on my gums.
Where does a pornstar go for timeout? The casting couch
I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Bernie Sanders Draws 28,000 in Portland Rally I never would have guessed he was such a talented and quick artist.
'Failed to send tweet,' is Twitter's polite way of saying, 'Dude..'
Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? A. When he goes to confession he takes a lawyer with him.
What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912? Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats.
most people don't realize that chickpeas only get $0.79 for every $1 a manpea makes
What to you call a fat computer? A dell
What do parliament and Ukrainian skies have in common? They're both raining bodies
Russian Cosmonauts have been banned from telling jokes on the Interational Space Station... ... because they always involve Mir puns.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob "Perfect!" Thanks "What's his last name?" Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Why do they make condoms with ribs? So you can get traction in the mud.
Kissing is like peeing your pants Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
What's the resemblance between a bungeejump and a african whorehouse? If the rubber blows, you're dead
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That's how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Dad, is that dog over there a wiener dog? Son, with enough peanut butter every dog is a wiener dog.
Why does Helen Keller only masterbate with one hand? She needs the other to moan.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison Elementary are safe today.
I suffer bloating for years until I found this one secret supplement! "rotten eggs"
A fat guy walks into a bar [deleted]
'Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?'
One-Liners The attraction to redheads is a lot like being addicted to drugs.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If i could give any advice to hitler... Auschwitz should have been the first thing you made.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Last night my girlfriend fell asleep before me, so I decided to lick her pussy until she woke up. This morning she asked why the cat seemed afraid of me.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
what happens when you pop a cherry? she starts crying
How do you top a car? Tep on the brake, tupid!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Arson ! Arson who ! Arson McCullers !
Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has got to *want* to change.
Based on my search history, Google suggests: A social life
How are rookie marathon runners like people with erectile dysfunction? There both just honestly happy to finish
What mental disorder did the serial killer who stabbed his victim 23 times have? OCD.
My wife has just left me, taking my satellite dish and Bob Marley collection. No woman, no Sky.
Don't waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall* *Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands* *Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
What's a snakes favourite flower ?  Coily-flowers !
"WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME?!?" - Jesus, at the first Communion.
Request: Gimme your best white people jokes. Why does everybody else get the brunt of the jokes? Let me hear something different.
What did the nun say to the priest? Shut up
I try not to criticize those who practice incest After all, it's all relative.
It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries...
I dont always roll a joint... But when I do its my ankle.
People who ignore your texts are probably just busy looking at pictures of you. Keep trying. It's not weird
When will Smith die When Will Smith die we will call him Was Smith?
Me in HR: I wasn't trying to be condescending... It's just that the boss didn't understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
What's the difference between Arabs and Americans? American kids come home from boyscouts
What do you call a sexually-confused Arctic Circle? Bi-polar
What did Hitmonlee say to Hitmonchan when he said he said his jokes sucked? "I'm sorry , I'm not very good at executing punchlines."
Barakaysan la hadal sida Maalinta burcad ah!
If Olive oil is made from olives - baby oil made from what? *is
Why do feminists make bad mass shooters? Because they always give a trigger warning.
Engineers How do you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? They look at *your* shoes while they talk to you.
Vader: I'll teach you the Death Star's power Leia: By blowing up my planet? Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation Leia: NOOO!!!
Q: What does a proud computer call his  little son? A: A microchip off the old block.
[at the gym] Trainer: "Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are." Me: "Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."
You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged  Catherine Zeta Jones.
Well well well if it isn't the kangaroo whose pouch I'm in.
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing... 'He's like a fish out of water.' 'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?' 'No, I mean he's dead.' -Mike Close-
Why is #Windows10 releasing before nine? because 7 8 9
12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn't Mary have a little lamb? Me: And you came with a no return policy
I got attacked by a yob with bat down the local park yesterday.. I was really impressed with how well he had it trained
In the beginning ... God created the world, and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
What's the difference between when you're hungry and when you're horny Where you put the cucumber.
you must be irish because my penis is dublin
Two guys on /r/Jokes walk into a bar One adds lines after the punchline, while the other doesn't. The one who never adds these extra lines kicks the one who does. Son of a b****!
I'd make jokes about midgets, but that would be little of me.
What room does a ghost not need? A living room
One of those people out there with protected tweets is your therapist passing your problems off as jokes.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.
What do you call using Tinder while you are in the bathroom? A swipe and wipe.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked "do you have any luggage, Sir?" The photon replies "no, I'm travelling light"
Who Shot First? Boba Fett or Jango Fett? Han Solo
Mom thinks I run google :D [Mom thinks I run google - My Funny Mom](http://www.etcpb.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Mom-thinks-I-run-google.jpg)
What are condoms? Something your worthless fuckup of a father couldn't afford.
How many potatoes a day will make you fat? 00000
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. Sits down. The bartender comes over and the ham sandwich says: &gt; I'd like a triple of bourbon, neat. Bartender says: &gt; I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Which Knight invented the Round Table? Sir Cumference
Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?
An Elvis impersonator had to cancel a show because he got some terrible family news. He was all shook up
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than "you're out of batteries"
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
There are two types of guys: those who pee in the shower and those who don't admit it.
Times are tough, jobs are scarce, I know I don't have the greatest body, but for you single ladies, I'll gigolo if the  price is right. . .
What did the elephant say when he was pulled out of the quicksand by the balls? Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Ball!
What do a WW2 German Soldier and an Animal Doctor have in common? They're both Veteran-Arians (wah wah)
You'll end up real disappointed if you grow up thinking everyone has the same heart as you do.
Confucius say man who at night have scratchy bottom have at morning smelly fingers
What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
Dark humor is like food Not everyone gets it.
"How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund." - How ING Bank got its name
What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays? The week force.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A stego-sore-ass
What do you call a man who gives a woman the illusion of entitlement? A Husband...
What's red and orange and looks good on hipsters? Fire.
Saw my neighbour scrubbing some graffiti saying 'paedo' off his door this morning... I said "What's been going on mate?" He said "Fucking kids!"
Why did the Eskimos have to stop partying? because they ran out of Natural Light
"I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady's purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you...just sit there looking mean." -Unorganized Crime
*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*
What's E.T. short for? Cus he's got little legs
So a midget's at a casino and he runs into his friend the dealer... The dealer says "Hey how you feelin? I heard you were sick." The midget says "Naah I'm a little better."
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink? Me:No PO:Ok, blow into here Me:But there are no candles PO:Ma'am please get out of the car
Arrested at the Zoo. I got arrested at the zoo the other day for having sex with a baby gorilla. When I asked the officer what I was being charged with he responded "Statutory Ape".
What does a mathematician do when he is constipated? He works it out with a pencil.
I like my women like I like my Pistachio nuts. Easy to get inside or else I'll just move onto the next. Ha ha only joking. I'm so lonely.
Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.
Me: omg can smoking weed make u hallucinate? Dog making pancakes: lol that wasn't weed dude
My rubberband gun was confiscated in Algebra class It was a weapon of math disruption!
I bought a new lock for my bedroom door Wound up getting half off when it didn't work.
Recycling Jesus died for our bins.
What's in an Irish 7 course meal? A 6 pack and a potato.
How do they even grow a boneless chicken?
A joke for you all! Q. What do you call a midget psychic that has escaped from jail!?!!? A. A small medium at large!! Just kidding, nigger will probably suffice...
What did the porn star put at the end of their resume? Sexual references.
[Fear Factor] HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home *camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Don't be stingy when it comes to getting a circumcision. I got one cheap and it was a total rip-off.
I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn't be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes
Whats prettier..... ....than watching Ivanka Trump lying on her bed on a Saturday morning? Ivanka Trump lying on MY bed on a Saturday morning.
I thought about being a feminist but what could I possibly do for the cause? I'm just a woman.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just shoot the room for being dark.
Kanye West is now on Twitter. Since he doesn't follow anyone, not only will he not let you finish, he's not gonna let you start, either.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Gordon ramsey
I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I  see, ugly is the new hot!
My friend fell into the gelatto machine. Ice creamed in terror.
Einstein came up with a theory about space... and it was about time too!
I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster! Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.
I Feel Really Safe There are police helicopter circling my house.
I used the think that correlation implied causation, but now I know that it doesn't. I took a statistics class last year, and that might have helped, but I'm not so sure.
It's pretty racist that Denzel Washington keeps getting typecasted as black men.
What is smarter? What is smarter, longitude or latitude?...Longitude, because it has 360 degrees.
You may have a drinking problem - when your mother asks you to toast the bread.....and you raise your glass and say "here's to the bread"!
At first I didn't like my beard.. But now it's starting to grow on me.
Who makes the music for the Marvel movies? The Avengers Ensemble.
"I could eat." - How I answer most questions, even if they're not food-related.
Why is santa's sack so big? Because he only cums around once a year
Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there's really no set in stone rules here.
My local council just installed a zebra crossing near the primary school What a waste of money, I've never even seen a zebra in this town
Corduroy Pillow "Did you guys hear about those new corduroy pillows?" [silence] "No? I heard they were making headlines"
LIKE if you don't ring the doorbell... You just text or call to say you're outside.
A man is kicked off a plane for playing online games. He was simply trying to have fun above all.
The guy who invented the USB connector died... They lowered the coffin into his grave. Then they lifted it back out, turned it round, and lowered it back in again.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Crash Test Barbie ...comes with car and brick wall
What do politicians and diapers have in common? Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reasons.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink Bartender says, "No charge"
I bet we can get into some serious Treble together.
Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a hour. Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I'm afraid of intimacy
Burlap pants are coming into fashion, People are just itching to show off the new look.
I only read 1 line jokes on reddit
"Are you cold?" No dumbass, I'm on fucking vibrate mode..
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line -Japanese spelling bee
[Security breach at Wayne manor] BRUCE: *brooding darkly* ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
*friend gets divorced Mon* *friend goes on date Tues* *I break up with boyfriend* *15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
2nd Rule of Parent Club: If your kid suddenly says "I think I'd better wash my hands", don't question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe] Me-I've never eaten cat. What do you recommend? Lady-They're for adopting not eating M-Oh, well can I adopt one? L-No
First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."
I like my bourbon the way the Chinese like their women... 11 years old and mixed up with coke.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I've never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
What do balloons and virgins have in common? One prick and its gone.
An anti-semantic walks into a synagogue. The linguists in the group are offended and leave.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer."
Two prostitutes are standing on the corner. One asked the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?" The prostitute replies, "No, but I've been swung by my tits."
What did the Buffalo say to his son on the first day of school? Bison.
A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!" "Why?" says his wife, a little surprised "Because it's holding me back!"
Washing clothes feels so old fashioned. I mean, who separates whites and colours anymore.
People in glass houses Should go to the bathroom in the basement.
A teacher asks one of her students what the formula for water was... He said, "H I J K L M N O" Teacher: What? Student: Yesterday, you said the formula for water is H2O
What do you call a rich frog ? A golf blooded reptile !
With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween! Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy! Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner
How did the pig get to the hospital? in a hambulance.
What's the difference between Lamar Odom and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and reuse it.
I think it's cool that our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Why the long face ? A horse walks into a bar. Bartender: why the long face ? Horse: because I'm a raging alcoholic.
I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? AYEE ya thought it be ARRR but it be the 'C'!
What did the poet with hemorrhoids say? I'm stuffin the puffin back into my muffin.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
What do you call it when a lizard cums? Busting a newt
Why didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.
5: "Why is the moon so bright?" Me: "It's not, it's pretty dim actually." Moon: "I heard that."
Steak jokes. They're a rare medium well done.
I like my women like I like my rice... Hot, white, and with my meat in it.
Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE'S... Me: Grounded.
I swallowed a piece of Lego the other day I was shitting bricks.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.
What's the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally? At a religious revival, they say "STAND UP FOR JESUS" At a bikers rally, they say "SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE"
AVN's Best Actress Award goes too... you acting pussy like a chick in a porn film.
You know what really sucks? Sluts.
What goes Vrrrooom-schreech, Vrrrooom-schreech, Vrrrooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light.
If someone stands you up and doesn't call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Don't pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
You're like a magnet... Your fatass is always on the fridge.
Josh Dugger The Christians are taking the latest news regarding the Dugger family hard. I just drove by a Chick-fil-A, and the flags were at half-staff.
This morning, I accidentally put redbull instead of water in my coffee After 15 mins of driving I realized I forgot home my car
Since I can't afford porn, I just turn on tennis and shut my eyes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Roses are red.... Violets are blue-ish, If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish!
Hey girl, are you a derivative function? Cuz I wanna be tangent to your curves.
I want to follow you back, really, I do. But the hash tags. My god the hash tags.
A person is drowning and yelling "HELP I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM" A bystander tells him to shut up because he doesn't know how to swim either but he's not freaking out about it like the guy drowning.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?  Run - she is still holding the grenade!
(My wedding day) Grandma: You remind me so much of your father Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot G: Your father was a disappointment also
Boy, pet stores don't like it when you ask, "What is the most delicious animal you sell here?"
No matter how white-hot my rage feels, I have been unable to clear the snow off my driveway by giving it the finger.
3rd eye: youre on drugs 4th eye: youre a nerd 5th-7th eyes: ??? 8th eye: you are now a spider 9th eye: spider on drugs 16th eye: nerd spider
Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom? Because he was fighting the Klingons.
I grew up thinking my dad was a fireman Then I realised he was just an arsonist
I am extremely offended by the song "God is Dead" by Black Sabbath. How can Ozzy Osbourne possibly sing that? ...when Tony Iommi is standing right next to him, alive and well.
If CERN's Large Hadron Collider creates a black hole that destroys earth would that make it a weapon of math destruction?
Phone just autocorrected "your" to "yore" in case thou wouldst think I'm smarter than thee.
What they say: "Hey, have you lost weight?" What they mean: "Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?"
Did you hear about the basketball tournament in Mexico? Its Juan vs. Juan
A Man's Biggest Hope Most men hope they will marry a nymphomaniac. The problem is, that after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac is still there.
My dad "Girls are the devil, always remember that son" says my married father while we were eating supper in front of my mother/his wife
Cop : HANDS IN THE AIR! Me: *drunk, starts flailing arms* Cop: NO, NOT LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE
Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I'm drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.
Why is six afraid of seven... Because seven is a registered six offender.
Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.
Wish our neighbors would splurge on quieter hookers.
When a girl says, "I think we should talk," it's never about the Bat Mobile.
I need to thank the guy who honked while waiting for my parking spot for inspiring me to stay & write my memoirs in this Target parking lot.
I tried to eat soup with a fork. It was a strain.
Me: Every beautiful girl has an ugly friend Girl: That's why my friend is ugly Me: I see. You are just a pair of ugly girls
Tonight's parenting lesson: If a 2-year-old says, "I'm going to puke," FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T CALL HER BLUFF. I need a shower.
How do you get your hair into shape? You condition it
What is a composer's favorite vegetable? Bach choy.
If the dove is the bird of peace... ...what is the bird of true love? The swallow.
[racist] What form of humor is nonexistent in black culture? Dad jokes
After a shortcut through the ghetto, I see what the hood rats like to drive... Housing prices down.
I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness. It came out of the green.
Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.
Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
Water is the most precious drink Because without it we can't make coffee
An accountant at a bank was constipated Apparently he couldn't budget, but he worked it out with a pencil and paper and it was all good.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours.
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
When it's cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it's frustrating out I wear my UGH boots.
What do you call it when Charlie Sheen's brother has sex with him? Emilio Incestevez
Damn girl you must have been out in the sun all day. Because you appealin'
my plan for the day is to lay on the floor and not move
You can only regret what you remember. -Tequila
You know why you can't play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards!
I planned on watching the super bowl tomorrow, but... My inflatable couch doesn't have enough air in it.
I wonder who I'll be racist against when I'm elderly. I hope it's robots!!
My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner? Placement of the dirt bag.
Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was... ...raped and sodomized.
I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn't care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right
My complete lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my achilles elbow. thanks, Mike!
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you heard Jaun, you've heard Jamal.
Justin Bieber and Ke$ha has sex and gave birth to Rebecca Black.
When you wish upon a star ... you're actually a few million years late, according to astronomy.  The star is dead. Just like your dreams.
"Keep bullying the gay kids!" -Nerds
Why did the man quit working at the cemetery? It was hard to make a living.
Hey girl, heard you really like pandas *Seductively eats bamboo*
What do vegetarian zombies eat? GRAAAIIIINS
All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.
I get 9" in bed every night. That's how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.
#rudolph > .nose { background: red; border-radius: 50%; @include shiny; }
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar] give me another "haven't u had enough?" i'll tell u when i've had enough! *bartender hands me another kitten*
Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last.. Dad:Hey hun Mom:Yes? Dad: How old are you? Mom: 45 Dad:theres your answer kid
Q: What's the definition of a teenager? A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
I like my women how I like my whiskey....... Age 12 and all mixed up in coke.
So I am a poet and a novelist challenges me to a fight... So I say "Come at me, prose"
Why does Santa Claus only have seven  reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O'Shea
Why did the excluded tree grow? To be long.
When I'm driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari? With a porcupine, the prick is on the outside.
I met a girl the other night. She really had something... I think it was AIDS.
Did you hear they're going to print the Daily Mail on A1 sheets? It's pretty big news.
Mountains are funny. They're hill areas.
Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon. Your mom is a hermaphrodite.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we're regretting that decision.
What can you say about lots of protected sex? It is a common misconception
I'm in a serious relationship with my WIFI... You might say we have a connection.
There's safety in numbers. Unless there's 6,000,000 of you. And you're all Jews.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
The people you lose sleep over don't lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM....
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There's a line to get in. We're never on the same page. Nothing's black & white. We're well red
I used to be indecisive. But now I'm not so sure.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I saw a sign that said "hiring carpenters" My brother said "let's be honest, that should say 'hiring Mexicans.'"
My wife told me she "likes it rough." So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll. -how guys understand women
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
What do you call homosexual Israelites? Fruit Jews
Day two of the Insanity Workout. Half hour of talking to a lamp. Half hour of eating mulch. Fifty YouTube comments.
Why does an elephant wear sneakers ? So that he can sneak up on mice !
Don't ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
A blonde goes into a bank... ...to withdraw some money. The clerk asks her: "Could you please indentify yourself?" The blonde pulls out a mirror from her bag, looks into it and says: "Yes, it is me."
My favorite poem Roses are red Violets are blue I hope I don't Impregnate you
Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool? You ask them to leave.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it's best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I can't turn my head very far in either direction It's a pain in the neck! My mom made that up.
What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people!
Why did Mr. Pibb go see Dr. Pepper at Rehab? Because he was addicted to Coke.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
*whispers seductively in your ear* "...look at that last slice of pizza and you're dead to me..."
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies
How did cell embarrass vegeta? He put a hole in his trunks.
There are only 10 bad people in the world.. And i get Christmas cards from 9 of them.
1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning. 1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.
What did one hat say to the other? "You stay here, I'll go on ahead...."
Samuel L Jackson got into an argument with an Ethiopian... I heard him screaming "Food, motherfucker! Do you eat it?"
My dick is like Amazon Prime... It comes fast :(
My friend Roy made up this joke, so goddamn proud Why did the beer get bottled? He was trying to dodge the draft.
My favorite sitcom episode is the one where there's a huge misunderstanding.
I lost my only son today. Ha! Talk about a bad heir day.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist? An etymologist knows.
What do you called being pepper sprayed at UC Davis? Occupational hazard.
I Like my slaves like I like my coffee: Free
Hey people, I've invented a new word. Plagiarism.
When I'm dead, these tweets will be worth twice as much.
What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!
Granny always said, 'If in doubt, check it out.' My addition: 'If the answer gets your goat, punch 'em in the throat.'
What's it called when it's 9:20am and you can't wait for dinner? Oh, it's called fat. Nevermind.
"Instead of putting this away, I'll leave it right here for the next time I need it." - Men
FBI offers to help France investigate the terrorist attacks. So far, they think North Korea is behind it.
Who would win a knife fight between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton? Everyone!
What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The Wheelchair
Baby seal walks into a club...
I asked a chinese girl for her number She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar. *[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building which one hits the pavement first? A: Who cares!
What's the worst part about working with a gamer? They're always trying to 1-Up you.
Did you hear about the one about the heart and stomach? Nevermind, it's an inside joke.
I never make mistakes... I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
So a crossfitter, an atheist, and a vegan all walk into a bar. How do I know? Because they told everyone in the place within 30 seconds.
While we are on the offensive jokes, here's mine:"What's better than fucking a 13 year old boy against a barbwire fence?" "Nothing"
What do you call an apology written using dots and dashes? Re-morse code
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be 'Officer! That's him over there'... It gave me my sprinter's physique.
Q: What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an orang-utan? A: a f*ing ugly orang-utan
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather's pubic hair than "pull an all-nighter" with you.
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years. So I mean who's the real winner here?
What do you call a fat joke on reddit? Banned
A got a beer for my wife... and it was the best trade I've made in a while
You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.
What did the creators of Good Burger call their vegan cooking show? Quinoa and Kale
If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it's that obese people can be accepted...so long as they know kung fu.
I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!
My Girlfriend is anorexic. It's not going so well... I am seeing less and less of her everyday.
What's the difference between me and an egg? Eggs get laid.
I always bring an extra pair of socks when I go golfing... ..Just in case I get a hole in one.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we're hungry and both put our ass in the air when it's being rubbed.
When I went away for a lengthy business trip my wife and kids threw a big party... According to the email.
You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run - ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
You know, I never understood why calling someone a pussy was an insult. I mean, you are what you eat.
What do you call someone who always tells shitty jokes? Fecetious.
my girlfriends dad asked me what I do but apparently your daughter wasn't the answer
What does the funeral director say to the 11am service goers? Mournin'
What does Ryan Seacrest say while having sex? "Seacrest out!" "Seacrest in!" "Seacrest out!" "Seacrest in!"
What did the vegetable say to the dj? lettuce turnip the beet
What do you call a fellow who is over 21 and makes bad puns? A groan man.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets. My response was "you won't find a better job or respect in my pockets"
Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views... ...toddlers are the worst.
It's looking like Hillary is definitely going to win the election I think I might move to Benghazi, at least she'll leave me alone there.
I hate it when I punch ghosts! http://imgur.com/lVv8D6W
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven't caught me yet.
A man, his son, and their dog walk into a bar. "Ouch!" "Ouch!" "Woof!"
Seven days without a joke makes one weak.
My Thai girlfriend says small penis is not a problem... ..but I still think she should not have it.
I have sex almost every day! Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
What's orange and sounds like a Parrot? A Carrot
Why did the girls fall off the swing? Someone threw a fridge at her. It's not supposed to make sense
How many porn stars does it take to turn change a fuse? It's too hard to tell. They keep blowing it.
What's Santa's favorite snack? A crisp Pringle
*rips finished page from adult coloring book* *puts it on daughter's toy kitchen fridge*
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile? "Robin, get into the Batmobile..."
Why does Trump want to build a great wall? China has one and they don't have many Mexicans
Wife Wanted A man inserted an advertisement in the classified section of the newspaper: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
[spelling bee] -your word is 'amnesia' -can you use it a sentence, please? -your word is 'amnesia'
They hired another Russian guy at my work He seems to think everything that Ukrainian guy tells him is so obvious.
In INTERSTELLAR, why does Tom's voice get higher when he's older? Answer: thedust
How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch? He bolted it down.
My neighbours are very loud when they have sex. And that's bad for my insomnia. Last night I was so fed up I had to scream their safety word.
*girl rests her head on my shoulder* -Are you flexing? -No
What's the difference between a piano,tuna and glue. You can tune a piano. You cant piano a tuna.
Me (to 7): Son, we... Wife (in earpiece): have to talk M: Have to talk W: about girls M: About grills W: NO M: NO W: IDIOT M: IDIOT
"DADDY!?!" (toddler calling out) Me: "Daddy's upstairs but can I help you with something?" "Yes. You can go get Daddy."
Two ninjas were having an argument Two ninjas were arguing over which one was the better ninja. The first says, "Man, you can't even throw a ninja star." The second ninja says, "Shuriken."
I'm not drunk. I'm a gravity inspector... ...and everything seems to be in order here. *falls down/passes out*
Thanks to ringtones, I now associate all my favorite songs with the annoyance and dread of being interrupted and having to talk to somebody.
First the found ice on Mars and then they found water, now they just need to find whiskey to prove that 'Men are from Mars'.
Why do women have trouble peeing in the morning? You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
If your uncle Jack is stuck on the roof and needs help. Do you help your uncle Jack off?
Who will take the second shot in this snooker game? Find out after the break.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Either a lying war criminal endorsed by the KKK or a Neo Nazi reality TV star are going to be President of America. It's not funny. But it is a fucking joke. America, sort your shit out.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, Cucumber...
Why doesn't Moses buy beer? He brews it.
Where did Ronda Rousey learn how to take a punch? Holm School
Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. Nobody would laugh, but then immediately after Neil would follow up with, "Ah well, I guess you had to be there."
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Mother nature needs to learn how to keep it in her plants Said everyone with allergies
What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snow balls!
Bad news A doctor says to his patient: 'I'm afraid I've got bad news for you. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's disease'. The patient responds: 'Well, at least I don't have cancer'.
Why are the cops shooting so many black men? There's plenty of Mexicans to shoot too. Yeah I'm going to hell for that one.
What fungus always gets its ass beat? shittalking mushrooms
"Grandpa, are you sure you want to order crazy beef with ghost chilis?" "It'll Szechuan fire."
Alcohol doesn't get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk. People drunk people drunk people
"I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
[Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
what do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off
Do they have a pregnancy test for immaculate conceptions?
What do you call a black woman whose had 7 abortions? A crime fighter.
When my mum was in labour.... When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out. That's how excited I was to see my little brother.
Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. The police charged one and let the other one off.
BOVINE HIJINX Q; What do cows do for fun? A: They go to the moo-vies!
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
The best kiss of my life was with a vacuum cleaner... ... it took my breath away.
Star wars dad joke heard tonight Dad "Chewbacca seems kinda big for an ewok..." Me "he's a wookie. " Dad "he can't be, he's been in lots of movies now."
How you can see if a blonde is telling bullshit? Her lips are moving.
What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes? 12 pirates.
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle ? A polo bear !
What do exchange students and porn addicts have in common? They both study abroad.
I thought a Vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant... ...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
What is Donald Trump most afraid of? That people will figure out he is a low energy, stupid, horse-fucking, cum-eating, rim-job giving fuckhead!!!
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun] Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun? [Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I'm fairly tall so folks are always asking me "Do you play basketball?" My standard reply: "No, do you play miniature golf?"
How many bricks do you need to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but you're going to need a lot of patience and light bulbs.
clutches my newly bought loaf of bread nervously as i walk past the duck pond
If you're American when you go into the bathroom... ...and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European
Why couldn't the police solve the case of the flat car battery? They had no leads.
Did you hear about the skunk who  sat on a fan? He got cut off without a scent!
Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?" Candidate: "Honesty." Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Candidate: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Ricky Martin should have waited until Saturday so he could come out the same day as the iPad. Maybe that's what Tom Cruise is waiting for?
It's the same old story; boy meets girl in park... ... boy parks meat in girl
Why did Heisenberg have a miserable sex life? Because when he found the correct position, he didn't have the momentum, and when he finally found the time, he didn't have the energy.
"do you answer the phone while having sex" a woman asks her friend. The friend says "only if its my husband calling me..he's my husband after all".
Why did the Redneck cross the road? Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
I don't always start a joke without finishing it, but when I d
Press control, alt, and down arrow key. it's fun.
I bought my girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue.
How do Mexicans keep their food warm? Chicken Fajitas.
What's the strongest color? Super Cyan
I like to cry sometimes so people think I know how to chop onions.
*sits son down for the talk* You ready? "Yeah" Ok. When a man and a woman love each other- *pulls out Pokeball* -they throw this at a baby
Chuck Norris does not eat honey, he eats bees.
Some people say i'm conflicted... I'm not so sure.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gmmmppphh
why do they call them light bulbs? they don't weigh very much
"IS A DOLPHIN WHAT?!" - Hitler's wife answering the phone
Indoor trash bin that keeps getting taller until someone finally decides to take it out.
This girl text me: "your adorable I text back: no YOU'RE adorable Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yep,  that's the one", I said.
A Church threw a Celibacy Party. Nobody came.
You know what a satisfied woman sounds like? I didn't think so.
If by "unload the dishwasher" you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?
Sometimes I draw a penis on my face before I go out so people know I'm there to fucking party.
How I fall asleep People get jealous of me because of how fast I fall asleep so I'm going to share my secret. First of all, ally you have to do is close your ey...
What is a proctologist's drink of choice? Two fingers of whiskey.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum. It's obvious they starved to death.
Do you know what the difference is between patronising and condescending? Condescending is where you talk down to someone. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it though.
What's the most annoying joke in the world?
I'm not heartless, I've just learned how to use my heart less...
How many dads does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to put it in and one to complain that he never screws anything anymore.
Are you a geologist? You can analyse my rocks anytime ;)
Why don't bats sleep outside? You ever deal with a sunburned asshole?
Here's a new mythological creature for the consideration pile. Taurustaur. Half man, half reliable family sedan.
What Type of Fruit Wants to Run Away and Get Married but Isn't Able to? Cantelope.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, "I got you a present!"
What's the only thing that could have saved George Michael? A whambulance
Sometimes I stop suddenly when I have sex with my girlfriend. She asks, "Why did you stop?" I reply, "Oh, it's something I learned in porn. It's called buffering."
Where's the best place to do a mannequin challenge? In a morgue.
Sometimes I think I am a bad mother because I don't like wine.
Of all the things Dave misses his Mother-in-laws virginity the most.
I'm going to a birthday party in Charlotte tomorrow... Hopefully the looting isn't over because I forgot to buy a present.
[interview] "I'm not sure your experience is sufficient for this position." me: Trump is president "Touche, you're hired"
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Which painter always had a very bad cold?  Vincent Van Cough
What's the difference between Indians and Pakistanis? When a Pakistani has a red dot on his forehead it means he has about two seconds to live.
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags? A Pillow Fight
Had some mushrooms this morning. Breakfast of Champignons.
What do you call a dragon that eats 100 Viagra and washes it down with gasoline? Burnt dick
A Family Walks Into A Hotel... The Father walks up to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled" The man at the desk replies "no, it's just regular porn you sick cunt"
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
When I was 15 my dad bought me my first pack of condoms When they expired 5 years later he bought me my second.
If television has taught me anything, it's that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I was sitting on the toilet, constipated... The undropped turd asked me, "Man, what did you eat?!" "A pound of cheese," I said. The turd said, "You're shittin' me." I said, "I shit you not."
Why did God invent shopping carts? To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
Seriously...if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home
This morning I combed my son's hair sideways and to the front then yelled "you just got Bieber'd!" He's not talking to me.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
What do you call the person that cleans the Mafia's hotel rooms? A maid man.
The first sign I wasn't going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy "Skeleton Class." Sign two was failing skeleton class.
If we replace all "Chuck Norris" jokes with Kim Jung Un.... We could write the North Korean Official Website.
whats the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mum cant take a joke
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? Pilot.
What did the drunker muslim say to the drunk muslim? I'm Mohammad than you
My favorite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she tries to get out of the car.
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
At first I didn't like having a beard, but it grew on me.
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador!
Use chemicals to wipe polish and no one bats an eye.. But use chemicals to wipe the Polish and everybody starts to lose their shit.
Two fish were in a tank... ...one turns to another and says "any idea how to drive this thing?"
TIM: how are you? ME: it's Monday TIM: yeah ME: the sun is up TIM: are u just listing facts? ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Answer : Mrs.Claus Question : Who was the only person in history that was unhappy when Santa came early?
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get some chicks. (nephew made this joke, he's 5 years old :o)
Where does Crazy Horse live? In an unstable.
I made half a cup of tea the other day... It was so nice I had two.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me* "ROAR" whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this "GROWL" hmm "SHOUT" hmmm "YELL" hmmmmm "HOLLER" oh its a thesaurus
Soccer player calls his wife after a game... Player: "I scored two goals!!" Wife: "Great! What was the end scored?" Player: "1:1"
There's an Anti-Parallelogram Party tonight. Be there, or be square.
Little Known Fact: Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Did you hear Elon Musk just started a new breakfast foods company? What else can you expect from a cereal entrepreneur!
[hospital] "The results are in. I'm afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live." But does my hair look good?
yeah, we r a non-traditional family. instead of naming our dog, we let him name us. I'm Woof, this is my husband Woof, & these r Woof & Woof
Where does Fred Weasley shop? Forever 21.
You know what's a job I could really see myself doing? Mirror inspector.
Our doctor told us that vaginal delivery is definitely an option.. But when the hooker arrived at our place the next day, my wife was *not* pleased.
What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe? A refund. credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)
My son block me on Facebook I could have used protection and block him from birth.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If I see someone trying to seize the day, I'll step in and try to save the day.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog God please let it be a hotdog
So evidently the kid who stabbed all the people at his highschool today was always told he would be famous. He felt like today was the day to take a stab at it.
Women are like Fruits. Every Woman has her own unique taste and color. But The problem is the Men. They seem to love Fruit salad..!!
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One of them turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"
I like to steal pictures of people's breakfast and post them again I guess you could say I'm a cereal reposter
Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
water Water Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O. l
She texted me, "your adorable." I replied, "No, YOU'RE adorable." Now she's stalking me and all I did was point out her typo.
How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
One of my favorite high expectation Asian jokes You masturbate? Why you no doctorbate?
If someone says "I will do anything for you" lean in really close and say "There's a body in my basement and I can't eat it all by myself."
Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won't have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.
Here's another pizza delivery joke Actually, you'll get it in 30-45 minutes.
Ambulances are the original Transformers because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses
What do a cannibal's dinner and a christmas treat have in common? They're both a pan o' Tony.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My dream is to be a security guard on Maury. I'd whisper "you look like a Volkswagen Beetle with eyes." When the women were crying backstage
Honestly Officer, I do have a few ideas as to why I'd get pulled over, but I'm kind of afraid to tell you. Let's both say it on 1-2-3, ok?
Woman at dentist
Waiter there is a spider drowning in my soup ! It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !
How can a person travel from the north pole to the south pole without passing the equator? By becoming a stripper.
M R ducks. M R not ducks. O S A R, C D E D B D wings? L I B, M R ducks.
Well, Lester Holt definitely lost that debate.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To tax the chicken.
The word "nothing" is a palindrome. "Nothing" reversed is "Gnihton". Which also means nothing.
I'd tell you a cow joke... But it would be UTTERly horrible.
Why are men faster than women? Ball bearings and stick shift.
When I die My only wish is that I die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling for help like the passengers in his car.
What's the hottest hotel in Vegas? The Cosmopolitan
nothing says FUCK YOU like a restaurant giving you one napkin with your takeout order
What was the dentist's horrific gastronomical invention? Tartar sauce.
Here's the joke: I'm bad at insinuating. A*hem*, I **said** I'm bad at insinuating!
The girl at the table next to me is having a salad. Not as a starter, but as a main course like some kind of rabbit.
A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don't feed me and I'll kill everyone.
I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband. Whoops, wrong sub.
I try to tell good jokes... ...but I always punch up the fuck line.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove] robber: why are u wearing a glove me: I meant to grab my bat lol robber: lol
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I got my Bank Balance back today. It was a picture of a priest. I put it on a spitroast, so at least now I can say I'm turning a prophet.
If 9/11 happened in Vegas, no one would have ever known due to that silly motto.
I really don't have much of an opinion on alcoholic beverages during the holidays... You could say I'm pretty eggnogstic.
I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance... So I pushed her over.
I own box sets of both the Star Wars and Star Trek franchises in case you were wondering if virginity can grow back.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German.
If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug... Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? It's easy to make the same joke about 9/11.
Which American state is not great, but not bad either? OK.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with "Just in case I crash again"
I lost all my Pokemon cards in a house fire I only have Ash now.
Jokes on you redditor If you are reading this... you proved it.
I got my born-again mother an FML shirt for Christmas. Telling her it means Father, My Lord.
I've just invented a perfume made from holy water Eau my God
I left my job today. I couldn't work for that man anymore after what he said to me... "You're fired!"
I've learned a lot about kids while working at Menard's. Namely don't bring you fucking kid to Menard's.
Did you know that dogs can't get MRI's? only cat's can
What do you call a baby panther? a Newton.
#NAME?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Hey! Wanna hear my Ebola joke? Nah, nevermind. You won't get it.
A duck walks into a bar and says "Get me some chapstick, and put it on my bill!"
A boy at a cinema notices what looks  like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear?" "Yes" "What are you doing at the movies ?" "Well I liked the book!"
What's the difference between an "Ooh" and an "Aah"? About 5 inches.
What do you call a Mexican who can't find his car? Carlos
Do you know any sodium jokes? Na.
A woman once told me to look at the world through her eyes. So I looked out the kitchen window.
I was playing 'would you rather', and asked my girlfriend if she'd rather be a goat or a cow for the rest of her life. She asked me which one I'd rather fuck.
I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.
Mickey and Minnie go to get divorced... When the judge asks for the reason, Mickey: "Because my wife is fucking goofy." Judge: "You mean she's crazy?" Mickey: "No, she's just fucking goofy!"
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
A little boy came running into the kitchen. "Dad dad" he said "there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face." "Tell him you've already got one" said his father.
The Water Fight Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won! No one's a match for me and my kettle.
You should really take it easy on pedophiles... they have a hard enough time fitting in.
Thanks to School, I Now Eat Two Meals a Day... ... breakfast and dinner at home.
What did one flea say to the other after a night out ? Shall we walk home or take a dog ?
Why did the hipster complain about winter in July? He wanted to do it before it was cool.
Did you ever hear about the guy who got both his left arm and left leg chewed off by bears? Yeah I saw him a few weeks ago, he's all right
100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. ... 100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
What's Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking JK, Rolling.
Where do Satanic cults get their candles from? Bloodbath &amp; Beyond
Want to hear a joke about Hillary Clinton's emails? [deleted]
"Have you senor self in a mirror lately?" -Mexicintervention
*hands you a marijuana* "This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."
Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan? Because Satan has more politicians to help him.
There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join .. but enough about the Church ..
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars? Me: I LOVE STAR WARS BF: which was your fav Me: duh, Sorcerer's Stone
How is Reddit like fencing? Ripostes everywhere.
I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.
Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much We may as well call him the "Not Si" President
Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus.
Two television sets got married. The wedding was boring, but the reception wasbeautiful.
How do skeletons kiss Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.
Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you A) hole B) cool C) what I did there D) bag?
Adam was the original sex-positive feminist... He was ribbed for her pleasure.
Someone called me lazy today... I almost replied.
My favorite way to clean my house is to stop inviting people over so no one sees it's still dirty.
My wife has the body of a 16 year old schoolgirl... She keeps it in the fridge.
If you've seen one shopping center... you've seen the mall.
"Hi, it's me. I can't get to the phone right now, even though it's right here in my hand."
Ever heard the joke about the airplane? Never mind, it just flew over your head.
[Request] Not sure if this is the right subreddit I am looking for some funyun jokes, it is for school.
My dog takes so long to take a dump I swear she's tweeting out there.
What did one nose say when the other nose said "I love you"? "Back achoo!"
If a man speaks his mind in a forest. And no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
greeks Thousands of years ago the Greeks invented sex, a few hundred years later, the French introduced it to women.
Just added Paul Walker on xbox, Shame he's always on the dashboard tho.
I was watching a TV program on various Religious orders and how the use stringed instruments. I was appalled by the amount of sects and violins!
What do you call a Chinese fanatasy series? Lord Of The Chinks
"Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form."  University of Chicago
What does a Spanish speaking ghost say when they like you? Mi Ghosta!!
I met a French tart hiking in the Alps last year. Her name was Too Loose to Trek
Last night I ate a full package of Cinncinati zoo Gosh, I must've spent hours in the bathroom.
Magician to a hot chick: I will do a magic trick on you. I will fuk you and then I will disappear.
How many Mormons do you take fishing with you? Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them
What's the difference between America and yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture
What do you call it when gay men break up? A banana split
"What do we want!" "Hearing aids!" "When do we want them!" "Hearing aids!"
They say real women have curves. Well, then, the lady in front of me at Starbucks is a real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real woman.
What did the counselor say to the hologram? "You're projecting." (From Star Trek Voyager)
Was accused of animal abuse for using an electric collar but bitch kept calling it "domestic violence"
My suggestion for Reebok's new marketing campaign: "Nike: Just Do It; Reebok: Do Whatever Feels Right -- We're Not Dictators"
Fred: You've got a Roman nose. Harry: Like Julius Caesar? Fred: No it's roamin' all over your face.
Job Interview I was being interviewed for a new job. They asked me to use three words to describe myself. So I answered, "lazy."
What do you call a cow with only three legs? A wonky.
How many Latin Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.
She: "I am expecting..." Me: "Whoa! Congrats." She: "...someone at 3."
My ex-wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER!
Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman.
I had my prostate examined the other day. After it was all over, the doctor left at the same time the nurse came in, and whispered the three words no one wants to hear. Who was that?
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere. Then suddenly I slipped in cider.
What's the difference between an egg and a root? You can beat an egg, but you can't beet a root!
Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!
I think marriage is probably like having a business partner. No that's not true, probably weird if your business partner takes your kids
I cut so much rug... ...that I had to open a PLPD policy on my feet.
"You're not the pizza guy." Bin Laden's last words.
You should never get married because it can ONLY end in literally 2 ways; divorce or death! Funny... but true.
I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach... You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk. [source: philip geubels, Belgian comedian]
My sister said she wanted to have sex with me. I tried to say no, but she was incestant.
How do you wake up a loafer? With a shoe horn.
What was FDR's most famous maritime obscenity law? The Nude Eel.
Plagiarism Hey! I invented a new word: plagiarism.
How do you cook toilet paper? You brown it on one side
Why is everyone investing in Ireland? ... because the capital is always Dublin!
10 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed... ...One fell off and snapped his neck. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said: "It's no use, this monkey is dead!"
Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.
I found a new passion yesterday pairing socks. I guess I just enjoy bringing sole mates together.
What do you call a nose that can see into the future? Nostrildamus
How did Humpty Dumpty get ripped? Wall-sits.
What did the electrician say while swimming across a river? "Oh my God, that's a lot of current!"
I don't like telling people who have Beatlemania a joke. If they don't get it, they just won't let it be.
rest of the week anyway.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
Do you know about the group of hipster sheep? Never mind, you haven't herd of them.
What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.
Dating Women is like squaring Numbers If they're under 16, do it in your head
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations
What has seven arms and can't spell? Def Leppard
What's the difference between a condom and a parachute? Well when condom fails a life comes, when parachute fails a life goes.
Sex with three people is called a threesome, and two people is a twosome Now I know why everyone calls you handsome
What type pf culture is most peaceful and never gets angry? Nomads!
This isn't a racist joke..is it? What do you call a Hispanic with a Rubber Toe? Roberto
What do you call a lesbian that turned straight A hasbien
a pastor, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar. he orders a drink....
What's the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I'm asking for me.
Hoping there hasn't been one in a while, but blonde joke thread. How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door
What kind of dog suffers most from being inbred? A hot dog
What did the German air force eat for breakfast during WW2? Luftwaffles
Girl, you can call me the Pillsbury Doughboy because I got whatchu knead..
How did the octopus go to the war? Well armed...
What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it? Unbereavable.
The difference between shit and oh shit: A boy mistakenly sends a love letter to the brother's girlfriend. Shit! Girlfriend's brother happens to be lesbian. OH SHIT!!
My cousin, who's a karate expert, joined the Army. First time he saluted he nearly killed himself.
I saw a documentary about how ships are held together It was riveting
The embarrasing email Hillary Clinton doesn't want anyone to know about [deleted]
I have a phobia of circles and working But no worries I'm working around it
Why do they evacuate women and children first? You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying. (**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)
Do you know what the problem with toilets is? They're a pisstake.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat* *I'm still not sure*
Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back
What did the Canadian think of his hardwood flooring? It was Oak, Eh!
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women
What's cooler than being cool? Financial Stability *shoutout to /r/personalfinance*
What did the neckbeard say when he looked in the mirror? M'self
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck ninety-nine, but deer nuts are always under a buck
Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?
How did Harry potter get down the mountain? Running...  JK rolling
I've just read a book about stockholm syndrome. The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
Why do noses run and feet smell?
Life is NOT a box of chocolates When the box of chocolates end, you get upset...
I'm coming down the home stretch of the semester... its getting tough, my work is starting to pile up faster then the rape allegations against Bill Cosmy
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female... The female egg says "Oh my, look, I've got a crack" "No good telling me" replies the male egg, "I'm not even hard yet"
A fellow peon told me he loved kids, you can't beat them i said you can but it's generally frowned upon.
My boss just asked me why I wasn't working.. ..i told em cuz I didn't see him coming
Kids used to call me "four eyes" in school. I'm not sure if it was because of my nerd glasses or because I spelled my name Loriiii.
Hear about the guy that built a car out of a bank vault? He wanted to be a safe driver.
If Jared Fogle gets any rounder he may go Full Circle.
What's the difference between a woman and a gun You can put a silencer on a gun
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you're drunk enough.
The zoo only has one animal it's a shih tzu.
Have you heard that they're filming the first porno in space. They're calling it smutnik
Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine? The Washing Machine will not follow you around for 2 weeks after you dump a load in it!
What do we want? *A cure for Tourette's!* When do we want it? *FUCK!*
What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common? Someone's gonna lose a trailer.
I accidentally switched toothpaste with hemorrhoid cream... Now my sore tooth's better and my farts are minty fresh.
The baby fell on the floor at breakfast this morning. Luckily, she landed butter side up, so the five second rule still applied.
One time i asked a guy what he was majoring in and he said women's studies... I then said, why are you in women's studies? You study women all the time!
What's black and always behind bars? Guinness (You bunch of racists)
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother who was an evil scientist. His name was Frank Einstein
this is ur brain *an egg* this is drugs *a frying pan* this is ur brain on drugs *egg & frying pan wearing sunglasses*
Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked
Wanna hear a short joke? Leafy's chin
What do you call a circumcision for a dollar? A rip off!
What do you call a happy dolphin? Endorphin
How does Dwayne Johnson Party? Like a ROCK Star.
What is the difference between a thief and a church bell? One steals from the people the other peals from the steeple.
What is the date in Germany/Brasil today? 7-1. (world cup)
Lovers When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim....
A guy cat calls a girl "Hey, what's up girl?" "My eyes."
The story of Kanye West Kanye West divorced his Kanye Pest, now it's just him and his kid in his Kanye Nest, Now he won't get his Kanye Rest to be his Kanye Best at the Kanye Test.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can't legally drink till I'm 84.
"Are you ok?" Never heard of him
If your ringtone is my alarm sound, you can go straight to hell
Three old women are sitting on a porch. The first one says "Oy." The second one says "Oy vey." The third one says "I thought we weren't going to talk about the children."
What do gay men have in common with the people who persecute them? They're both fucking assholes
I've never understood why new pencils come unsharpened... Seems pretty pointless to me.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself Me: No T: What about other people Me:.....................................................No
What do you get if you cross a Rhinoceros, an elephant and a helicopter? HellIfIknow
What did the bun say to the hot dog? I relish the fact that you've mustard the will to ketchup to me!
How do you kill lots of Anzacs in a small amount of time? By telling them to get out of the trench
I like my steak how I like my women Tinder-ized.
Dentist: How often do you floss? Me: Daily Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Have you heard about the stolen shipment of viagra? Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
Why is it OK for an ice company to commit fraud? Because their assets are already frozen.
I'm "needs to go to bed early because I'm going to a concert two days from now" years old.
Two men and one woman are in a plane crash, and they end up on a desert island. The men have sex with the woman for about a week, and one day they stop. Why? Her body was starting to smell.
But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more to be the man who walked 1000 miles to get away from you. I want a divorce.
Question: What do elephants use for tampoons? Answer: Sheep.
Advertisers think we're like "Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it's selling!"
What do you call an elf singer? Elvish Presley
I can't think of anything worse than an over exaggerator
What you call a pre-op MtF transsexual who visits another city? A tourist trap.
I have a joke about unemployment It doesn't work though
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Some people say they get runner's high... I just get runner's OH GOD MY CHEST IS COLLAPSING I FEEL LIKE DEATH
Pilot [on intercom]: You guys want to see a dead body?
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don't make enough money to have a drug habit.
One night I dreamt that I was a muffler... I woke up exhausted.
i am practicing how to die in photogenic positions
Doc: This pill may cause: Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I'm out.
Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem? With a pencil...
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer
Why are white people the scariest in prison? Because you know they're guilty.
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I think a ladies pubic hair should be called... A muffstache.
Me: I have a date tonight. Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn't a date. Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter....
Did you hear why the Quartz is divorcing her husband? She says he took her for Granite
Me: Better late than never! Wife: ... M: Seeing red? W: ... M: Go with the flow! W: ... M: I'll go buy tampons. W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony. I was born ready.
What did the German Footballer name his pet? Schweinsteiger.
"Why does the Mexican Olympic Team suck?" "Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already here, raping and killing Americans" -Donald Trump
What's the difference between your mom and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.
When I see stars I think of you Because you're only beautiful from a distance
The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? The fact that you think that it's not society, but the light bulb that should change is problematic.
I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes... Naturally, I coded in BASIC
I like telling science puns... Just to see the reaction...
Why would a monster be big, green and scaly?. Cuz if he were small, white and smooth hed be a Tic Tac.
My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts.
What's a trees favorite drink? Root beer
Save your money ...you never know when your friends will need it.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but they'd have to be really small.
I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco
"Two birds with one stone, how about all the birds" God thinks, hurling an asteroid toward Earth
Little-known fact: Jesus baked a perfect and delicious cake for the Last Supper. It is referred to as the Immaculate Confection.
Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog? Her: Neither. I'm vegan. Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.
I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other His hame is Iain
What's red and white and screams when you shake it? A skinned baby in a bag of salt.
What's the difference between a drunk Morse code operator and a lesbian? One's a lit clicker and the other is a clit licker.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
To this day, no song pumps me up as much as the theme from 'Bill Nye the Science Guy.'
*hits on a guy* He's bleeding. I think I'm doing this wrong.
I refer to "porno" movies as "regular" movies not "adult" movies. And I refer to non-porno movies as "Christian kids" films.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I'd like to see the work I've done before it's violently ripped from my view. #life
I have a really bad phobia of speed bumps... But I'm slowly getting over it
Nothing seems longer than the few seconds spent trying to shut off unwanted background music that starts playing on a website.
Why don't the blind bungee jump? Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs.
One of my hooter's girlfriends died yesterday... May she breast in peace :'(
What does a cat say when you tread on its tail? ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...
What do you call a nun on a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile &amp;nbsp; ^^^^^^^^^^^[inb4^^repost](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=nun+on+a+wheelchair&amp;restrict_sr=on&amp;sort=relevance&amp;t=all)
What Do You Call it When Printers Have a Party? A paper jam
How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll sit in the dark and blame the Jews
Why was the Dragonborn arrested in the Whiterun bakery? Dough fucking.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Kraft Foods, Inc. has moved their headquarters to Tel Aviv They're changing their name to Cheeses of Nazareth.
A man is going through customs entering Australia The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?" The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"
If Hilary Clinton is elected president, what title will they give Bill? First Lady's man (;
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that's how the fight started.
You know what's better than being married? Everything.
What do you call Jewish coffee? Hebrew
How to kill 20 flies at once Slap an Ethiopian
Does anyone know the address of the Admin who banned Doxxing? I'd like to give them a piece of my mind.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
What is the most common educational degree in New Mexico? Kindergarten dropout.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!
What did the German brat say to his father? You're the wurst!
Why did the kids get in trouble for eating the sausages? They were brats
Did you hear the joke about the dance? The punchline wasn't funny.
Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs.  They're called "The Johnson Years".
You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool's joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor.
Where can you leave your dog when you shop? The barking lot.
*accidentally walks into women's restroom* *plays it cool* *sits down* *finds comfort here* *changes name to Janice* *is alive* *is free*
*decides to workout* *lays on ground to do sit-up* *find skittle on ground* *eats it* *takes nap*
What is everyone writing songs about? John: revolution Paul: forgiveness George: true love Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus
Love that show where they lure loan officers into a house with mending, To Patch a Creditor.
5 year old: "That's a big truck!" "It's a moving truck." "ALL TRUCKS MOVE." Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
What do you call a water gun that gets people really excited? A super stoaker
What do you call a lesbian who also doesn't eat meat? A vagetarian.
So a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar "Ouch!" they said
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
How do you confuse a gay person? Raccoon.
You know what really surprised me about the debate tonight? Turns out it *is* possible to have a worse moderator than the team over at /r/news!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Buddha ! Buddha who ? Buddha this slice of bread for me !
Is that a star tattoo. Saw my first porn the other day. I was a lot younger back then.
Who Found America Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
Why is Hellen Keller a bad driver? Because she is dead.
Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children? A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
What's the difference between a goat and a kid? My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising two of my goats.
Why do white girls group in odd numbers? because they *can't even.*
Typical Liberal media: the Chilean miners have had 69 PAID days off work with their mates & now they're "heroes". #GetBackToWork
The only reason a Hillary Clinton presidency would be good for our country At $0.78 cents to the dollar, she'd be a bargain for our country
My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED Me:I love you Mom: NOTED Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband Mom: NOTED
I once solved a Rubik's Cube by not buying it.
I just invested in chicken stock. It's all gravy.
Why did King Kong.... Climb the Empire State Building? ...He couldn't fit in the elevator.
Happy Valentines Day. And Merry Christmas to FTD, Hallmark and Zales.
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It's painful only for others. It's the same for if you are stupid.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
Circular arguments are such a waste of time... They are just pointless
Knock, knock...
Duck Hunting Joke What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever
Lock myself in the bathroom for an hour and a half to get ready. Come out looking exactly the same, but my phone's at 9% and I have to pee.
Girl, did you fall out of heaven? Cause you're showing signs of deranged cognitive abilities in your brain highly suggestive of Post-concussion syndrome.
Don't you just hate it when you meet a hot girl, you look her up on Facebook and find there are fucking 150 + mutual friends and nobody told you about her. Thanks a lot assholes.
The only thing I've learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile, but because their condoms are 'Made in China'.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I basically have 3 hairstyles... Straight. Wavy. Homeless.
What's the best day of the week to marry your gaming console? Wednesday
What's the best thing about AIDS? You're always positive
A black kid comes home from elementary school one day... And says, "hey mom, I've got the biggest dick in the third grade! Is that cause I'm black?" She says "no Tyrone, it's cause you're nineteen"
I was offered a threesome with a Japanese guy but I turned it down, after all, you know what they say about Japanese penises... ...they're really blurry.
They tried to record the Juno Satellite launch, but their computers were outer space. Outer. Space.
What do Santa's little helpers learn in school? The Elfabet!
R.I.P. Today a man died after jumping into a waste treatment facility. The coroner ruled it a sewercide.
Well I'm not really sure why you put "Baby: Ages 0-6" on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking at their doors all the time.
How do you circumsize a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Time to be creative. I'll give you the punchline, you give me the joke! A dresser without drawers.
What has no legs but stands firm?? My dick
BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon
How many stream cleaners does it take to change a lightbulb? Sorry, they can only change the floor essence.
What did Mike Tyson ask the really tired Norse god? Are you Thor?
Appalachian Dictionary Virgin: (noun) - A 12 year old girl that can run faster than her brother.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark!
The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
A joke about elevators It was funny on so many levels
Me: I heard Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. Friend: OMg!
Is it a good idea to have multiple PhDs? To a certain degree.
What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject? The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself."
My girlfriend just said she's leaving me because of my obsession with goats. Meh.
Officer: "Do you know why I'm standing here?" Me: "You got all C's in High School?"
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."
Never ask me "Who hurt you?" unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.
Black jokes and Mexican jokes are all the same If you know a Juan, you know Jemalle
Who was the most active of the chinese khanes? Ginseng khan I am in a silly mood. Have a good day
You want to hear the best joke ever? Repost
How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb? A what?
Did you see that awesome joke on reddit? Yeah, I reddit..
My Doctor says I need to start exercising religiously. So now I hit the gym on Christmas and Easter.
BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.
Did you hear that Jim Carrey lost his left arm in a horrific accident? I guess that makes him all-righty then.
Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.
My Local Pizza Place Just Folded Now they serve Calzones.
Somebody gets stabbed in London every 57 seconds. Poor bastard.
Having big boobs because you're fat is like having a fast car because it's falling off a cliff
What's Paul Walker's favorite energy drink??? N.O.S. too bad he can't handle the crash...
Why don't cows smoke weed? The steaks would just be too high.
Pedolibby (MEME) http://i.imgur.com/v9LKIpH.jpg
What is the difference between a used tire and a year supply of used condoms? The first one is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
Why isn't Sean Connery an unmarried roofer? He's not a fan of the shingle life.
What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.
Two guys are fighting, who should get the last painkiller? If it is a regular fight, give the painkiller to the loser. If it is a fight to the death, the winner gets the painkiller.
People always call me unattractive until they see my wallet... then they call me poor too.
The sign said 'Free Range Chickens'. So, I took some.
this subreddit's online users http://puu.sh/lcMkv.png i'm not sure if i'm accurate but is it possible that the current users are online users - the sub users?
What does a woman's asshole do when she has an orgasm? Usually I'm working.
Why did the boy drop his icecream? He was hit by a truck.
I'm really worried of discrimination based on skin color during the Trump regime The thing is, unfortunately, I'm not orange...
What is the highest form of flattery? A plateau
A man gets his drill and drills a hole in a wall... ..its a bit boring.
What do you call a deer without an eye? No idear.
It's rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that's exactly what's going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I watched a documentary about the victims of anorexia. Maybe I would have taken them more seriously if the camera didn't add 10 pounds.
Alcoholics don't run in my family They stumble around and break things
How much cash could the cash cab cache if the cash cab could cache cab?
Am I the only one who wants to write "Over" at the end of my tweets? Over.
When i fart I always tell my gf that it were butterfly's that did'nt know the way to my heart.
An excaped convict fell out of a polishing machine and landed on a worker. He was struck by a smooth criminal.
Back in my day, we didn't have computers or the internet. Guys would have to walk uphill for days to tell me I'm gay.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant. I can't take anything out in time.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
How many bones are there in a graveyard? A skeleTON.
What happens when you have sex with a cow and no one catches you? So far, nothing.
why netflix and chill? Because amazon and chill has 1 day delivery.
[At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly
Classic joke at my Catholic High School I went up to a man and said "Jesus is the messiah" He said "No way" I said "Yah-weh"
Saw a guy in the gym, ahead of me on the Lat pulldown machine, wearing a David Luiz T-Shirt Needless to say, I got past him.
What do you call an Asian driveby? Cap-a-chino
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch's name is. 7: Ding Dong. Me: What? 7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead. Me: Oh. My. God. 
TRAINER: you know what they say ME: no pain! lo mein! TRAINER: it's "no gain" ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
It's all shits n' giggles... Until someone giggles and shits.
Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his car? Apparently he was pretty Exhausted.... &lt;.&lt; .&gt;.&gt; I'll show myself out -.-
What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A bellybutton!
Sex so good you see dead people.
[wearing a 'World's Greatest Dad' t-shirt while talking to the bartender] "The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8."
Why are French guns the best to buy? They've never been fired, and only dropped once.
Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely
Why did the Jews hate the holocaust? Because it "caust" them 6 million.
Did you know that Hitler made a rap album? Straight out of Mein Kampf-ton.
What if Superman landed in Mexico instead of Kansas? He'd be an illegal alien.
If you move to a different country at least TRY to fit in with the culture. Like when I lived in Italy & changed my name to Mario Spaghetti
I've only ever met white people with gluten allergies
What STD did Forrest Gump catch? NSFW Jennytal Warts
2000s kids wont get this. Y2K
I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt
All who believe in Telekinesis.... All who believe in Telekinesis raise my hand.
What do you call a friendship between punctuation? Commaraderie
My hamster died as he lived... in the microwave.
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
I'm thinking about going to the male pornstar tryouts... ... but I heard there's some stiff competition.
Star Wars meat joke As seen in the Death Star II cafeteria: "For those of you finding the Wookiee steaks a bit too Chewy, try our new Ewok Chops: Guaranteed to be more on the Endor side."
Whats the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? No one ever paid $50 to have a Lentil on their face.
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires.
Do You Like Hardee's? Then you're gonna love how Hardee's nuts hit your face.
What Is A Mexican's Favorite Bookstore? Borders.
"I don't know the government, and I'm not giving them any of my coins." - my 4yo after I explained taxes
Him: Sometimes you can be a little... loud. Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM A DELICATE FLOWER
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you're never with me when I need you & I've forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Consider one of the most perplexing questions of our time: Where do' solutions go when a candidate gets elected?
Deodorant? I've never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Jeff is here! "Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room" Jeff is here!
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Relationships are a lot like algebra.  Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
What did Snow White say to Pinocchio after she sat on his face? "Lie to me, bitch!"
A man is hospitalized after a serious accident Following his surgery, he says, "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" The doctor says, "I know. I amputated your arms."
What did the Amish IT guy say about the computer? It was a bit buggy.
Did you hear Lance Armstrong lied The ball of some people
How do you get someone to pay child support? Blackmail.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said that's a big word for a nine year old.
I'm getting my wife's name tattooed on my penis So I can keep beating her long after she's gone (I'm so sorry)
What do you call a cow that's swallowed a stick of dynamite? Abominable.
Facebook: A place for liars and braggers to unite.
It's good to keep healthy. My gran started walking 10 miles a day when she was 50... ...she's 80 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
What do you get when you cross 2 ducks and a match? Fire Quackers
In Soviet Russia... ...bar raise you!
I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
I like my beer like I like my violence... Domestic
Difference between power and stamina? Power is when a man can hang a wet towel over his erect penis. Stamina is to keep the penis erect till the towel dries.
They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I'll never piss on an electric fence again
Another off color limerick A sperm, alack and forsooth Was at it's moment of sexual truth It had hoped to fall On the womb's spongy wall But was dashed to it's death on a tooth!
My Uncle has a coal fetish. Its why he likes to bang miners.
If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant? Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.
When I was young I wanted to join the basketball team... but the coach said they didn't need more basket balls
What's the point of having nice tits if you're going to cover them up? Stop being so fucking greedy and unbutton your shirt like I do.
I was going to make a joke about amplifiers but I got too much negative feedback.
Why don't Australians have sex? Because they mate. ...I'll let myself out.
A shepherd was looking for a sheep that ran away Forget it, you've already herd this one.
Why isn't there a Superpig? It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.
I asked Siri to tell me a joke She turned the front-facing camera on
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers... often open with "sorry for the weight".
It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public
the best insult ever is "who is this clown" because 1. you're calling them a clown 2. you're saying they're not even a well known clown
What does a former terrorist playboy say to the officer interrogating him? "Look, officer, I may be wearing a turban, and I may have a gun on me, but I ain't Bin Laiden years!"
What do you call a bug that vanishes? A non antity.
What's it called when you fry up an egg with a bunch of different ingredients? Omelette you figure it out
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
What is the extreme of oral sex? Licking an ostomy bag.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012
A friend asked me to do their hair for a rastafarian party... I'm dreading it
This is your pilot speaking. We'll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING
Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? He had lost his contacts!
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you've fallen off the face of the earth??
Whats the difference between three cocks and a joke..... your mom can't take a joke
Jessica fell out of a tree and broke both her arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Jessica
Guys, I figured out a better way to pretend you died mid-type! All you need to do is hold dooooooooooooooooooooooo
Dates are cool when I tell them I worked in a prison for twenty five years. But man, if I forget that a'...
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue? Are aliens their primary customers?
I got dumped by the personal trainer I was dating. When I asked why, she said we just weren't working out.
Hallucination An optical delusion.
Even if you don't pay, they'll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Why don t women have men s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in
I'm like a fat lady's flip-flop... ...under a lot of pressure
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
I went to an anti-religion camp once It was a blasphemy
So you know how you don't dream when you smoke weed? What if MLK smoked?
New rule: You're not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.
If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.
Divorce is tough on some kids. Others are just happy to be single again.
What does Hilter get when he's scared? The hebrewgeebies
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I love breakdancing. I don't do it... Or watch it, even. I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Dear Grocery Bagger, Please don't put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag. My kids don't like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.
you know what never gets old? Children who died at a young age.
Reasons I Don't Smoke Pot
WIFE: He's just so distant lately ME [skywriting]: U N T R U E
My friend did some graffiti with me He just tagged along.
What would Hitler say to his son? Look, I am your Fuhrer
I have PTSD from catching a glimpse of a co-worker's pale belly roll during a meeting.
New York, "Darling, can I go out in this dress?" "Yes dear, it's already dark out."
How is Batman different from a black man? Batman can go in a store without Robin.
What's the difference between an Anorexic girl and an escalator? The anorexic would not eat Chinese.
If you take something for granted you risk losing it. When I finally find my car keys, I'm telling them how much I love them.
Why did Hitler really commit suicide? He got his gas bill.
I love when girls say they need a man that can keep up with them... but immediately go into hysterics when I catch them.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they pushed two twins together to make a king.
I've been eating a lot of eggs lately.. I must be on an egg roll.
What do you call an Arnold Palmer with vodka? A John Daly
Last night I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69... She made me sweet and sour pork with fried rice.
Incest results in some very strange humans. That's why my sister and I ALWAYS use a condom.
I just can't stay mad at Monday when it happens to be a day off from work.
It's so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.
How much does a pirate earing cost? A buccaneer
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn't invent it. Anyway, that's what brings me to the ER.
I love dead baby jokes ..they never grow old.
Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: *never stops screaming*
Me: "Dad, I wanna to go to a 50 cent concert!" Dad: "Well here's a dollar, take your sister too."
I get wetter as you get dryer. What am I? A necrophiliac.
Today we our throwing one of our Asian employees a supplies birthday party. I got him a highlighter.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
So I've been clearing out my attic... ... and I've decided to get rid of my hoover- it was just gathering dust.
Watched a sad porno the other day... [NSFW] It was a real tear jerker.
Why did Muhammad cross the road? You should not question the prophet's motives infidel!
Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.
What was Hitler's favorite color to use when painting? Aryan white.
Yo mama's so fat she has titties in the front AND in the back
Don't get cute with the live version of your song. We like the one on the album.
"What goes down must come up." -Sir Anorexic Newton
My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren't there Japanese horror films that start this way?
they say a friend will come over and help you move and a good friend will help you move a body I have two good friends
What do you call it when a helicopter pilot reflects on his life? HINDsight
When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: "You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."
Just heard this on a PBS kids show... What did one wolf say to the other wolf? Howls it going?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If his selfie doesn't make you kegal, you're just not that into him.
Religious orders are more than just a sacrament They're a habit, too.
phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget
When A Man Becomes Rich He Becomes Naughty  When A Woman Becomes Naughty. She Becomes Rich
How do Australian bees please the queen bee? They bee hive
What do you call a plant that doesn't move? A tree.
My wife's an experienced navigator, she gives great headings.
I wish my penis was smaller. Then I could finally disprove the Planck length.
I don't know why everyone is hating on this mayweather it's beautiful out.
OMINOUS CHANTING *pentagram starts to glow* YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE! *Satan tosses pillow through portal* UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
How come girls always brag about being "reunited" with their friends? Quit that shit. You aren't Outkast. You're just two chicks.
"It just feels so good to have a clean apartment!" - someone who's never killed a bear with a sword
Do you know why the bike couldnt stand by itself? It was TWO TIRED!!!
"If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open." said the boss at my new job. "Why do you need a door then?" I asked him.
Where is the biggest jews concentration? In the air.
Tigers blood gave Charlie Sheen HIV
Why did the bible cross the street? To get to the other genocide.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE? Neighbour: Get out of my house! Me: You're not even guessing.
What did hitler say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer? "Au, schwitz!"
What can both Christians and Atheists agree on about Jesus? Kanye's not him.
What do you call it when a group of ghosts rob a bank? A polterheist.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring the other day. The doctor said I was fine but I feel like I've dyed a little on the inside.
GF asked me last night "Do you even know why I like cherry coke??" "...because it's so delicious."
The red man lives in the red house, the blue man lives in the blue house, then who lives in the white house? The black man
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork American: What Me: the good plate American: the super bowl Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
What's so unfunny that it's funny? An anti-joke.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer
I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.
A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men.  So guys, you can have sex, but you can't hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.
Did you hear about the new morning-after pill for men? It changes your blood type
My neighbor still has his christmas lights up. Not to be out done, I won't remove my politcal yard signs until November 2012.
Kids are worthless because they're short and poor.
What's white, located in washington and has a president within it? Monica Lewinsky's teeth.
I like my chairs the way I like my women Quiet and conforming to my body
It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a cockroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.
Why isn't there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
What does Jeremy Clarkson have in common with Amy Winehouse? He can't do 'top gear' anymore!
if you think about all the people you didn't marry, you've had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt. He says to the bartender "one for me and one for the road".
Why were the new mittens so flirty? Young gloves.
I find it really annoying that eating food doesn't heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.
What do comedians put outside their house on Halloween? 'Pun-kins'
Never let the CIA install your government. Too much spyware.
My first workout back at the gym was great. I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
What do you call someone who photographs fish? A school shooter
What is an alcoholic's favorite part of the chicken? The Cock Tail
Log Joke A mathematician is asked what type of log do you find in the forest? He says ln(x).
My friend from Hollywood always told me, "Shoot for the stars." He was an assassin.
What looks just like half a loaf of bread?  Its other half.
I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don't value your life at all.
An atheist, a vegan, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
How do you make Ben Carson yell? Watch a movie with him.
Can a match box? No, but a tin can!
This is a robbery In some firm, two masked thieves enter: -This is a robbery The accountant, relieved: -Thank GOD, I thought it was the IRS.
Why Does Paris Hilton Have a Chihuahua? Cause she doesn't want a Dog thats more intelligent than her!
I once knew a man with two monocles. He made made a right spectacle of himself.
My pet butterfly got a tattoo of my lower back
I went to see a Doctor today and apparently I'm a Paranoid racist!?! Well he didn't say anything actually.....But i knew the Black Cunt was thinking it.
Damn girl, are you weed? Because you smell dank.
Dyslexic zombies crave Brians.
I love my 6-pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.
Last night I had a nightmare that Ann Coulter died and came back to haunt me... ...she was a coultergeist
What's the difference between a pizza and a baby? I don't fuck my pizza before I toss it in the oven for dinner.
what do you call a prosecutor on a rape case? a cosby sweater.
There's a movie coming out about a big rig truck. Have you seen the trailer?
You hear some creature making noises in the distance. "Quick! Quick! Quick, quick, quick!" you hear it exclaim. What kind of beast is it you hear? A duck. ... with hiccups.
What's Superman's greatest weakness? Horses
England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
My cell phone fell in the pool...now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My ex told me that Gaga's "Bad Romance" song reminds him of me. Now I'm glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
My girlfriend said I have crusty feet. I blame my socks.
Stationary Thief Hits Police Headquarters: Police say they can't rule anything out.
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...with extra large cups.
What do eggs do for fun? They crack jokes.
What were the last words of the Mayor of Hiroshima? "What the fuck was tha . . ."
What do you call a abortion in Czechoslovakia? A cancelled check.
What's more fun than swinging an infant over your head with a rope as fast as you can? Stopping it with a shovel
What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces? Guacamole.
My relationship therapist got a divorce
My ex and I didn't work out, you could say our stars didn't align I'm a Cancer she was a cunt. She was anything but a Virgo, and her Pisces smelt like a Taurus.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like 'ambition' and 'productivity'.
Went to the doctors and told him l was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked how does your wife feel about it? I said she took it on the chin the first time but now its getting on her tits...
What do you have when you just used the toilet and realized there's no toilet paper? A real mess on your hands.
Oh. Awesome. A gift card. It's like money, but I can only spend it where you thought I'd like to.
Don't tell me you're fat because obesity runs in your family... Not a damn thing has ever run in your family.
I told everyone at the party how much I love MC Escher and I got some weird stairs
My music teacher told me to stay on key I said "pitch please"
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. That joke never grows old!
Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.
If a man says something in the woods and there is not a woman to hear it, is he still wrong? I was going to post this is in /r/philosophy but I think we all agree on the same answer.
Why do doctors spank babies when they are first born? The penises fall off the dumb ones.
Travelers to India joke that the country name is an acronym for, I'll Never Do It Again!
What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast? Stop "Russian"
I've been trying to find my girlfriend's killer for the last month. Nobody's agreeing to do it.
I accidentally have two dates tomorrow night should I handle this like a sitcom or an adult
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A steak-out!
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."
The first time I've had sex was like the first time I rode my bike My dad was holding me from behind
I escaped the terrorists of Iraq, wanna know how I did it? I ran.
*emergency room* NURSE: "we're losing him!" DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: "IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN"
What is Hitler's favorite letter in the alphabet? I don't know, but it's definitely not z's!!!
I ordered a coffee and the barista asked what size. I told her size didn't matter. We laughed. Then she gave me an extra large coffee.
Why did the late man stand on the clock? He wanted to be on time.
How long does it take a necrophiliac to screw in a light bulb? Not long... they like to do it while it's still warm.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
"I've been a very bad girl. I need to be punished." She said... "Very well.." I replied.. installing windows 8 on her laptop.
18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT'S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT! I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.
My grandpa is a total pervert My mom told me he had a stroke at my sister's piano recital
Why was jesus great at rock climbing? He could find foot and hand holes
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Jesus drove a Honda but didn't talk about it... "For I did not speak of my own Accord ..." John 12:49
What does a crappy Carpenter make? Loose stools
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
What was the Mathematician's Favorite Johnny Depp Movie? 's of the Carribean.
What do you call a New Zealander with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Hear about Harrison Fords plane crash? I guess he shouldn't have been..... (_) ( _)&gt;- (_) Flying solo.
So I told a deaf guy... "Stop me if you've heard this one..."
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called?  -Hurricanes with cataracts
I submitted several play on words to a competition, hoping one will bring me victory.... Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told "you don't give me enough money for drugs." I don't know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Last CsGo update
I am as a wake as a funeral.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
I was going to dress up as a turn signal for Halloween But no one around here knows what the hell that is!
My body is a temple but only because it hates Palestine
[taking a picture] Me: "Make love to the camera!" Grandma: "Don't make this weird, dear."
Dreading going to gym. It's kinda late. Open 24hrs, tho. Hey, you know who else is open 24hrs? McDonalds. Yeah. I'm going to McDonald's.
What's the most polite meal? Peas and franks.
It was my five year old daughter's school play last night. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in years! I didn't go.
What did the ghost say to the bumblebee? BOO BEE!! &lt;insert titty-twister here&gt;
They call Japan the "Land of the Rising Sun". Is that why they look like they're squinting all the time?
Drunk people are so self centred... ... they think the world revolves around them
Recent studies link bacon to cancer. "Ya, don't eat bacon, you'll get so much cancer", said one pink scientist.
Women and their rights
What fuels electronics but drains a relationship? Battery
Yo Mama so dumb she put lipstick on her  fore-head to make up her mind.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men actually care if they cum.
I told my ex she was cross between a rare coin and female dog. A two faced bitch.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the "jack thingy" is at in the trunk and when he shows you.. That's when you push him in.
Frozen Joke Don't let it go here let it go else where you flithy badger!
If babies knew how shitty life gets they wouldn't be giggling so much. Ignorant little bastards.
How far away is the US Army's website? Just a few klicks away.
How did the Mathematician relieve his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil!
What do you call a law enforcement agency that refuses to buy it's own vehicles? The Pro-lease department
MOM: [walks into daughter's room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators' phone numbers on bed] Are you... politically active?
An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I'm hoping he meant while she was alive.
My roommate from California was homesick So I stole his water bottle to make him feel more at home.
My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink. Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after.
i wanna make a band with 2 fellow asians. just to name our selves 'chink 182'
Why is it so hard to throw a party in space? Because you have to planet.
What happens when you pour acid on a basic bitch? She becomes salty.
Tofu is over rated... It's just a curd to me.
What do Micheal Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little crackers!
I had a great conversation with the world's leading brain surgeon.. Best cab ride ever
Why did the trout go to med school? Mounting pressure from his friends and family
Hey, incessant seatbelt indicator beeping, I'll outlast you; just like your friend the gas light. You're not the boss of me.
My grandfather is so racist he only eats white chocolate at Easter.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day....I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I'M the weirdo???
a long time ago chuck norris kicked the world so hard that its still spinning today.
Why are men smarter than women? Because two heads are better than one.
Why does Reddit hate Fencing? Ripostes
This year's Pulitzer Prize for Fiction... will probably go to some guy explaining why he had an Ashley Madison account.
*jumps from plane* *forgets parachute* *grabs onto flying squirrel* *lives to tell the tale*
It's impossible to run in campsites. You can only ran. Because it's past tents.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
Fun Fact: When your favorite football team wins, you don't win. You're just drunk on a couch screaming at a TV.
A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called "disappointed" Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I'm so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
A man walks into a bar and his name is JOHN CENAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Did you here about the French Alps pizza service? Apparently they deliver large plane's
A sadist and a masochist... ....are looking for pleasure. The masochist says, "Hurt me". The sadist says, "No".
What did the glue taste tester say? Mmmmm.
What do gay horses eat? HAY HAY HAY!
Apparently, Engineers talk how Doctors write
My parents just googled me and now they're crying
I had to steal this one... The best thing about 9/11 was my house climbed 2 spots in the world's tallest building ranks.
Latvian Joke Bus full of priests come to Latvia, spread word of God. One priest ask Latvian man "Where is children?" Latvian man respond "Children is dead from childbirth." Bus leave.
What's the difference between child prostitution &amp; whisky? Aged whisky costs more.
Volkswagon How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back and 6 million in the ash tray
Fancy Dress My mate and I decided to go to a fancy dress but he was adamant that we had to go dressed as Tom Chaplin and Jesse Quin. I wasn't very Keane on the idea.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I'd haunt Hawaii or Bali
What were Chuck Noris's last words? BRB
Bigfoot, an alien, and a Pilgrim walk into a bar. I need a punch line.
What is Jackie Chan's favorite drink? WA-TAAAAH!
ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A hoarse horse!
Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today. Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Touch me, taste me, bite me, blow me, suck me, fcuk me, nice and slowly...but if you kiss me don't be hasty...use your tongue and make it tasty !! 
Why do Storm Troopers like churchs? Cuz of all the pews. I hate myself
What do you call an exaggeration of mens genitalia? A phallus-y!
My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on
just so you know the guacamole costs an extra $1.80 plus one of your arms and the soul of your first born child thanks for choosing chipotle
Peanut butter and jelly don't love each other... but I always find them in bread together.
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences? Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I just want to give a shoutout to my legs. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.
A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??
if you turn the patterns on their shirts 90 degrees... the trusted REFEREE becomes the despicable PRISONER.... truly life is a fragile Bitch
What does a subatomic duck say? Quark.
What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much ? A beer-a-cuda !
My Viagra addiction ..was the hardest time of my life.
I shoot skeet for fun. Skeet, however, gets pretty pissed when I do.
The FBI's security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.
I like to start every morning with a good fuck. Oh fuck...it's time to get up.
What Is The Best Sub Reddit To See Once Watching "Gods Of Egypt?" /r/EyeBleach.
Advent calendars are fun if you ignore that every day is a new, fresh hell waiting to be survived.
Two condoms are walking down the street... They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other "hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?"
Can somebody help me debug Malaysian Flight Simulator? It keeps crashing unexpectedly :/
Why was the divorce lawyer pro-gay marriage? Because any marriage is good for business!
For Halloween i'm dressing up as a cloud and handing out celebrity nude photos instead of candy.
I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!
Why do groups of birds always seem so shady? cuz they're always flockin' around
What did the Middle Eastern dictator say after he had lunch? I ate so many chickpeas, now I falafel.
My dad fought in World War II. I just received an email confirming my order of a maroon cardigan sweater.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Adeline ! Adeline who ? Adeline extra to the letter !
Yo mamas so fat When she wants to take a bath... She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water
I went to my new male Gynecologist and he said to spread my legs so that he could numb it down there. So he went down and went numnumnumnumnumnum
I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill" Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind
Yo momma so fat... ...she's the third rock from the sun!
People say I'm a completely different person when I'm drunk so technically I'm proud to say I never cheated before!
Go full Balrog on your college midterms! And do not pass.
Why do sharks like salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze
So I was peeing in the pool yesterday. The lifeguard hollered so loud, I almost fell in!
You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,
Chicago is definitely the windy city. A man in a fur suit and fur hat just asked me if I've been blown today.
What does a baby sound like when you put it in the microwave? Idk, I was too busy jacking off...
What does a witch use to see if her spells are going to work? Spell check!
Knock Knock Who's there? Alask. Alask who? Alaska later
What kind of tiles can't you stick on  walls ? Reptiles !
Telling someone w/ depression things like 'Cheer up','Get over it','It's a state of mind', is like telling a blind person 'Just look harder'
Donald Trump is like the number pi... There is no end to his irrationality.
What do nuclear physicists do when they have time off? They go fission.
The Superbowl made me feel like I was camping. It was intense.
Knock, knock. "Who's there?" [Doctor](http://images.amcnetworks.com/bbcamerica.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/18/files/2013/08/Doctorwho_50th-anniversary-thumbnail_01.jpg).
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say to his colleague? Hoover fuck said this job would be a good idea?
Is anyone here named Jeff? Jeff: Yes. Jeoff: Yeos.
What do you call a guy that's lost his car? Carlos
My doctor said i had to take something against my kleptomania... So i stole his wallet.
Why was  afraid of ? Because   !
You ever notice how an electric pencil sharpener and a cat's butt look the same? They even make the same noise when you stick a pencil in it: Rar, Rar, Rar, Rar....
I'm like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Interview with Hitler When asked whether or not he would repeat the Holocaust again. Hitler replied.... Fuhrer sure!!!!
A man took his family to the zoo The only animal in the zoo was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
My girlfriend's body is like poetry... ...It bores me. *I really love my girlfriend, and her body is not like poetry, just so ya know :p
A dog will never borrow money from you, and that's why he's man's best friend.
A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes early... she is sad.
We've all seen that person on Social Media who likes to debate things as if they are a college professor. Dude...you're arguing with someone who uses "dat"
Don't listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They're just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn't anxious.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food. Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If you show me a piano falling down a mine shaft... I'll show you Aflat minor.
So this guy asked me why I was stirring my coffee with my dick... I told him, "Shut up, I ordered a small for a reason!"
Why do shoes get sad... Why do shoes get sad when they lose their matching shoe? Because they lost their solemate
If a fish was trying to catch humans, what would the sport be called? Bass Murderering
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a laptop computer. You're just run down let me give you some vitamins. No thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.
"Omelet you finish." - Kanyegg West
Star Wars Rogue One - Crap Joke Casian - 'Jyn, we need to refuel our ship!' Jyn - 'K, to Esso!'
My friends don't hang out with me anymore since I told them I dilute my Viagra. They just can't tolerate that I'm homeosexual
Tweets My Dad Shits.
If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar
*puts leash around pet lobster* I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy *walks into Lobsterfest* COVER YOUR EYES
isnt it cool how we all accepted that we all know the names of streaming porn sites and didnt ask each other how we knew of them
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You don't have to hug a washing machine half an hour after it finishes
Napolean had a brother But you probably didn't know since they were bornaparte!
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.
Doctor how much time do I have left? Doctor: Ten Ten what? Doctor: Nine
One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Wearing my bra really helps me focus on exams I love academic support.
When Germany won the World Cup, I did nazi that coming.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn't recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I've made 20,000 tweets. And I've never tried to sell you anything except the idea that tampon jokes are funny.
I'm probably not the person to ask to talk to kids about the dangers of drugs seeing as my year on ecstasy was the BEST YEAR EVER.
I'm out of tweets so I'm recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
You ask me if I'm drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.
Q: What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!
Good yawning everyone
(whispering): Siri, whose bed am I in?
Elton john and muhammed ali once had an exihibition match... And elton won...knocked ali out in the first round...and from that day on everyone knew to be wary of his fruity punch.
Why do so many American kids die in school shootings? They're not allowed to run in the halls. [-Jimmy Carr](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpxmKKtbw7w)
What is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
I think everyone agrees that the lowest form of earth on this planet are child pornographers. They are the scum of the earth and should be tried as adults.
Why was John Lennon so ashy? Because he was cremated
How to get rid of crabs First, shave off half your pubes. Then light the other half on fire, as they run to the shaved side, stab them with a knife.
If God didn't want us to jack off he would have... ...given us shorter arms
I don't see why so many Americans are anti-gay rights. For a country with 4 dads, you would think they'd be more accepting.
Potassium would be the worst element to chat with He (or she) would always reply with "K".
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don't understand how revenge works.
Three men walk into a bar... You'd have thought the third one would have seen it.
I've managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel. It's pretty straight forward really.
It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.
If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had.. Does money even matter ?
What is it called when a lumberjack masturbates? Logging off.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia? Linen
On Halloween I like to go to the store and buy apples and razorblades just to see the look on the clerk's face.
For all of you fighting about Black Friday, please remember... All Fridays matter.
So I was walking down the street... and this guy with premature ejaculation just came out of nowhere.
How do you make a plumber sad? You kill his family
Banker: You're sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works? Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
When Big Johnny tried to fly without an ID... ...the TSA diagnosed him with an enlarged prostate.
Chuck Norris was born May 6th 1945. The Nazis surrendered May 7th 1945.
Young Bobby was being fitted for glasses and his father standing beside him said "Now remember son. Don't wear them when you're not looking at anything."
Obviously, Mario Kart is not a documentary. It's a dramatization of real events.
Just met a nerdy spider. He's a web designer
don't even talk to me if you can't name all three powerpuff girls.
Life is going pretty good for me lately I guess. I just got a booty call last night. It was from life. Apparently it still wants to fuck me.
What was Spiderman's major in college? Web Design
What's a fireman's favourite drink? Water.
Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse... Are you in a stable relationship?
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field . . . one says " I was artificially inseminated this morning" "I don't believe you." Said the other "It's true . no bull. "
My internet is so slow... Loading...
What weighs 35 tons has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old? Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.
You know that video game, Mario, right? Do you know what his overalls are made of? Denim denim denim
Ten minutes into "conspiracy theories and chill..." ...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*
Everyone tells me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe
What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky? One of them is a meatier shower.
If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President
hey honey... ... you remember that really posh restaurant we ate at? 'sure... i guess so' ... what about that one time i undercooked the chicken? 'YES. EVERY DETAIL'.
Me: "I'm looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly." Ian: "I'm a medium." Me: "I need someone better than that."
A man walks onto a plane... ... He has a dead rabbit under each arm. The stuardess turns: "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one item of carrion"
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty! 
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveller walks into a bar.
This really crashes my belief system. Hilary Clinton spent 40 years building up her career to lose presidency to a man who picked up politics as a hobby last year.
What happens to Captain America when he dies? He goes to the Evans
Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Because Sheeran.
To those who are sad because nobody loves them at Valentine's Day, worry not... ...nobody loves you on any of the other days of the year either.
Researchers at Duke University say they have discovered the reason for the existence of the human appendix. Still working on the reason for the existence of the Kardashians.
I like a good long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex It's the quickest way to deflate her
Whats a yoga instructors favourite kind of coffee? Pilatte
Why does it take 100 mink to make a fur coat? Because they are lazy and have small hands!
You know you're in a seedy part of town when you ask the waitress for coke and she says "is meth ok?"
What should you care? My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Isn't it weird how something that's used as PUNISHMENT as a child becomes a sexual act once we're older? Like oral sex.
The developmental psychologists got back to us about our son. They said he's smart on paper... Unfortunately he can't read
It was a shame King Henry VIII had a lisp, it made it quite difficult for him to order his wives coffee. "I'll have them decapitated"
At this point most of the hugs I'm involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.
If you emphasize the po in police they're probably already after you.
St. Patrick's Day is like 420 for alcoholics.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
What's big, gray, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
"I'm sorry" and "My bad" mean the same thing... Unless you're at a funeral.
Someone with Celiac disease but still eats wheat... Is a gluten for punishment.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Some days i think im slightly intelligent, other days i try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen
what did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look i'm changing
Lif... ...is too short.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
How does an international banker have a good Friday night? He goes to a bar and slips somebody a Rupee, then gives them a Franc and some Deutsche Marks.
Since I started looking, I've noticed instances of confirmation bias all over Reddit.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven The first muffin turns to the other and says "gee it's hot in here" The other muffin replies "holy shit! A talking fucking muffin!"
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please get out of the pool."
what do you get if you mix a dachsund with a cocker spaniel/ poodle mix? A cockadockapoo.
"This is some good shit!" A gourmet fly.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus Because it wasn't born yesterday
Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
A programmers wife tells him... A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...
A horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says "Heeeeyeyeyeyey, why the looooong face?" And the horse replies "Because the guy telling the joke that I'm starring in has bad...comic...*timing.*"
Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself? You only need one nail to hang up the picture.
Look... don't end your presentation with "Are there any questions?" & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. ...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...
A can crushers job must be... Soda pressing.
Horrible funny joke What do you call an alligator in a vest....? An Invest-agator
"I'm up for anything" - penises
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.
What is Hillary Clintons least favourite instrumeny? The trump-et.
When a track star gets best time in a race they "Break a record" but when I do it I've "Falsely entered a Special Olympics event".
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon] Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I'd like to ship him this please.
I heard there is a new dating app for paedophiles Kinder is due to be released shortly!
Female Viagra. Niagara.
Just Bcoz My Status Is "Single" It Doesnt Means I'm "Available". It's Just That My Mother Is In My Friends List On Facebook."
Pot smokers like to say it's safe because it's natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
This dermatologist waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder... She's reluctant to make a rash decision.
Don't worry, people who are sick of political tweets, every horror movies needs a few "Nah, it's nothing" types to raise the body count.
I wrote a song about drawing maps, but it never made the charts.
I'd be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
What is the difference between a Ferrari and a boner? I don't have a Ferrari.
For Sale : Crystal Ball Cant see any future in keeping it
ARE YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT? No, you are all left
Marrying my gay friend bc it's important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
So pinocchio was going down on a girl... The girl then says YEAH! Eat that pussy pinocchio get it!
What's the difference between a religion and a cult? The number of followers
Superman can save the world but Clark Kent
Me: I look great today Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
And the Lord said to John, 'Come forth, and you will receive eternal life' But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
My girl's got the Dubstep of Periods... I'm waiting forever for it to drop
If necessity is the mother of invention why does so much unnecessary stuff get invented?
Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing... There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bull ! Bull who ? Bull the chain when your done !
I have a love/hate relationship with mood swings.
What's the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits.
My hus thinks I'm getting up early tomorrow to go to the gym to get all sweaty. But what he doesn't know is that my "gym" is spelled "Jim."
Pope Innocent is an oxymoron
I tried pot brownies for the first time yesterday They tasted funny, since you usually cook brownies in a pan instead of a pot.
It's rather pathetic that the only thing that consistently works on my car is the Check Engine light.
Relationships are like algebra You always look at your x and try to figure out y.
I've never gotten along with tall people We just never see eye to eye.
I will never be okay with how Michael is spelled.
How do you call a play on numbers? A pin.
I just became the mayor of "Giving Away Tons of Personal Data to Corporations and Government Agencies Because I'm an Idiot" on FourSquare!
Why should you wear leather when playing Hide and Seek? Because it's made of hide.
What do you call a happy cow? Laughing stock. What do you call a grumpy cow? A Feminist
What is the only thing that will be "Feeling the Bern"? Working people's wallets.
I wish my race was bred fast and strong... Oh wait, no I dont.
You know what really breaks my heart? Cholesterol.
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach. It's not hard
Did you know that if you stab a salad 23 times, It becomes a Caesar Salad
The industrious prostitute Well there was this prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted in her hip...so she could make some money on the side.
What's the opposite of Tim Walken? Tim Daly.
A jewish boy asks his father for 40 dollars. The father responds "30 dollars?! What do you need 20 dollars for?"
College hot dogs What do uou call a hot dog in college? A FRATwurst! Hahahahahaha
What tool turns a 20mm hole into a 100mm hole? A pedophile.
Time to get ready for work Insomnia - OK. You can sleep now.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet: I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What is white and disturbs your breakfast? An avalanche
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he?
I see right through Caitlin Jenner Because she's trans-parent
not enough holes in walls any more, not like the glory days.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey's Anatomy......so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Where would you put an injured insect ? In an antbulance !
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss. "You should absolutely get rid of that monster," said one furry, panting scientist.
My dishwasher makes this loud rumbling sound... Strange thing is, it only seems to happen at night, when she's sleeping.
Two old drunks I was sitting in a bar with my friend and I noticed two old drunks across the bar from us. I laughed and said, "That's us in ten years." My friend replied, "That's a mirror, dipshit."
I'm one of those people that no one warned you about.
I wondered why everyone said I had "bed hair", until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Why did the Giraffe lay down in the tall grass? Because it had Leukemia.
What has 5 eyes? invisibility
When you're talking about everything and nothing Your talking two extreme.
Honey, the broken condoms are on the couch again. I thought we were calling the kids by their names now dear.
A poem for Valentine's day Roses are red Poppies are red The grass is red Oh no my yard is on fire
I could have sworn I saw fig flavored altoids the other day.. must have been a figment of my imagination.
What's the technical term for a female-to-male sex change operation? A strapadictomy.
I want to order rabbit at a fancy restaurant and then complain there is a hare in my food.
"Never Have I Ever" is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn't be donating blood.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He died.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I don't know the lyrics to any of Pitbull's songs, but in my defense, I'm not really convinced he does either.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water. HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem. PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Man from Nantucket There once was a man from Nantucket Was writing a Limerick but said, "Fuck it."
The only "b" word you should call a girl is beautiful. Bitches love to be called beautiful.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies. Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Things that don't kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
What do Latin American people call an American sex tourist who comes to fuck cheap gay prostitutes their country? A maricon
[during sex] Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Beating your wife isn't a joke It's a punchline.
How many Freudian Analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2. One to screw it in and the other to hold the penis---ladder!! I meant ladder...
What do you call a robotic prostitution ring? Nuts and bolts.
What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
new boss: mind sharing an office? me: no NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? Because B shells are to small and D shells are to big.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for an innuendo... ..So he gave her one.
What's the worst thing about banging a girl with a cold heart? The rest of her is cold too.
"This little computer" said the sales clerk "will do half of your job for you."  Studying the machine the senior VP said "Fine I'll take two."
I had a one night stand with a girl who was missing a limb Afterwards she wasn't too happy with me, we got off on the wrong foot.
Welcome to Facebook. Please choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen.
What's Batman's favorite fruit? Bananananananananana
Why don't black people dream ? The last one who had a dream got shot.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Some jokes on Mexicans can be funny, but a lot of the times they cross the border. ^^^^^OC ^^^^^but ^^^^^rephrased
What does the train say as its heading toward Auschwitz? Jew-Jew!
How do you top a car? You tep on the brake, toopid.
I was working on a new rape joke, but i couldn't get the punchline to flow right. It just came off sounding too forced.
Tried to take my girlfriend to get a physical.... ...they kept turning me away saying "sir, this is a palm reader"
The Pope walks into a synagogue the Rabbi asks, "Why the wrong faith?"
Why does Piglet stink so bad? Cause he always plays with Pooh.
If life gives you melons You might be dyslexic.
How is a vagina like a cigarette? The closer you get to the butt the stronger the taste.
GOOD COP: tell us where ur boss is hiding and we'll let u go BIKE COP: [clenches fist] we woulda caught him if he hadnt climbed those stairs
Why are paraplegics bad project teammates? They never carry their own weight.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone threw a fridge at her.
Happy (Belated) Birthday To Everyone
If at first you don't succeed try try a gun
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies.
What do you call a Muslim who is notoriously late for everything? 9/12
the Bible says "If a man is to lay with another man he should be stoned." in my experience it helps
A penguin walks into a bar... He goes up to the barman and says, "Have you seen my father in here today?" The barman says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
The clock is ticking... 9:09 9:10 George Bush 9:12
(NSFW) I might have a needle dick. But I fuck like a sewing machine.
The best joke of all... ...is the number of this sub's subscribers
Why did Hitler commit suicide? Because he got the gas bill.
I asked a Jewish girl her number She said she didn't have one, but could give me her grandfather's.
Have you heard about the new IPhone 6? I guess it's got people all bent out of shape.
What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? Third Grade!
There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order ... The police believe they're still at large.
I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with Sherlock Holmes ? An Investigator.
How did the gay wizard dissappear? He went with a poof!
Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority? Because he likes Dicks.
What did one earthquake say to the other? It's not my fault.
It's confusing for me too, but I don't need your money so you're going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.
"So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?" *imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms* "I'm a people person."
Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.
how to know if a thin girl is anorexic? she posts her nudes in bbw subreddits.
"How is life in North Korea?" I wrote to my North Korean pen pal "I can't complain" he wrote back.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don't be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don't show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower. I know that now.
Is it fair to say... There'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?
My views are my own, although they're heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.
I wish 'twitter' was an irregular verb so we could conjugate it thusly: twitter, twat, twitten huehue
PERV IN THE LINGERIE STORE Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret? A: The panties were half off.
"I'm leaving you" "why?" "Your jokes are old and tiresome" "but, I can updog" "What's updog?" "NOTHIN, WHAT'S UP WI-" *slams door*
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I'm single.
I approach. "Girl are you a couch? Cuz I'm gonna try & fail to pick you up." She laughs. "I'm Jen." My training hasn't prepared me for this.
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!" 
CarefulWhere's your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Q: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
Why don't we hear jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? Because the punchlines are too long.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say "you're gross".
What did the leper say to the prostitute? I left the tip on the night stand.
What's the difference between a black man and a pile of dog shit? The shit will eventually turn white and go away
Asian drivers are so bad that some speculate that Pearl Harbor might have been an accident
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them through binoculars 24 hours a day.
Me: My tarot cards say that you're going to be in pain soon. Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No. *hurls Magic 8 Ball at him* Him: Ouch!
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer? He got a little behind in his deliveries.
A Roman walks into the bar... ...holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please."
"Your lifeguard resume is just a pic of David Hasselhoff" I feel it says all u need to know about me "He's drunk with a cheeseburger" Yes
I'm so sleepy I feel like I can sleep through to next year
Why do black men love pirate porn? Because of all the booty
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying "I just can't see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump."
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.
Two introverts go to a bar. They leave immediately.
Wolves are just wild dogs who can't get enough of the woods I guess.
How long does it take a satellite to reach Uranus? Bend over and I'll show you.
Donald Trump Will.... Make America Great Again!
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
What do you call a clever repost? A riposte.
True love is waking up in the middle of the night just to watch your laptop while it sleeps.
Last month I decided to invest in a gym membership. Since then I have lost... ...about $39.99 in cash.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Casual conversations are just like casual sex. I don't know how to have either one.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn't mean my family is in the mob.... It means we used to be.
I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Why can't bears get jobs in Australia? They don't have the right koalfications!
I workout religiously About once or twice around the holidays
Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
What did the cow say when she saw the Dalmatian? Dam... I got to get in shape!
What shatters faster than your smartphone screen? A newborn with osteoporosis.
White lies are fine. Don't tell a black lie though. Black lies matter.
What's Jian Ghomeshi's favorite vegetable? Artichoke.
What's the difference between a heroine and heroin? One's an object that's easily abused, the other's a drug.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles!
*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn *wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car *speeds off
What do you get if a convict goes camping? Criminal Intent.
I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.
Where do the Japanese store defective mannequin feet? In bent-toe boxes.
I complimented my chemistry professor, who's from Germany, "Sir, you're so effervescent." He replied, "Did you effer see me when I effer vasn't?"
How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
Why is a Mexican midget called a paragraph? Because he isn't a full ese.
How do Jedi warm up for sexy time? Forceplay
I bet some astronomers can't tell black holes apart because they're racists.
Cool prank: Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I Am a spy who has worked for the Mossad the last 23 years. Ask Me Nothing.
How do you know if your girlfriend is too young? you have to make aeroplane noises to stick you dick in her mouth!
"Kumail. Kumail. K. U. M. No. M. Just write Jason." - me right after ordering coffee
Don't get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My parents were in the iron and steel industry... My mother had to iron and my father had to steal.
What do you call a joke with no punchline? Ba-dum-tss
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
If you! Use exclamation points!! This often! I want to! Smother you!! And your enthusiasm! With a pillow!!!
Had a talk with 12. M: Do you know what a period is? 12: Yes, mom, it's the dot at the end of the sentence. M: ... 12: ... M: Good talk
What do you call an IS-leader on a motorcycle? Abu Bikr
My penis... Is such a dick.
Why couldn't the Geordie go above the seventh floor in the tower block? He had a fear of eights
People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
What's a drug lord woman called? A drug lady? A heroin heroine?!
What did the call of duty player say to his girlfriend about gaining weight? EX SO FAT
A woman just asked me if I'd like to help fight bigotry today but she was holding a clipboard so I said no.
Something hit me at high frequency today It really hertz.
what do you call a mexican without a car? carlos
I love eating German sausage.... but it always gives me the wurst farts. HA HA HAHA Ha....ha....^ha ^ha^ha......^i'llshowmyselfout
What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop'? Dr. Dre
The best joke of all time. Women's rights.
If you think it's hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.
The most common type of web developers are not even human they are spiders
20's: I can't remember where I left my keys 30's: I can't remember where I left my car 40's: I can't remember where I left my kids
It's black, and when it falls out of a tree your piano breaks. Your piano.
What part of the body does a woman never move while dancing Her bowels
Son, do we have any dopted? Son: What is a dopted? Dad: You are! Son: Ha ha funny one    dad.(Sarcastically) Dad: I'm not your dad!
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I'm into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people. It sounds better than stalking.
A man walks into a bar... and asks for chicken tendies.
I bet if you punched Pamela Anderson in the boob it would leave an impression like those Temperpedic beds.
What are the three worst words to hear while having sex? Honey, I'm home!
Mama mama this bread tastes funny! STFU and eat your brick.
The local Chinese restaurant has creme brulee, but it's not on the menu. It's Secret Asian Flan
I've been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she "can't survive on dry land."
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
How many police does it take to change a lightbulb? They don't, they beat the room for being black.
What's a horny pirates worst nightmare? NSFW a sunken chest with no booty!
My son complained to me that his yogurt was too soupy. I told him to suck it up.
Looks like Erdogan had to quit... ...cold Turkey. [](/rimshot)
What's the best truck in Norway? The Fjord F150.
Why was Jon Snow looking for an iWatch charger? Because now his watch has ended.
Why do gay barbecues suck? Because the hotdogs taste like shit.
Hurricanes are loud, costly and sometimes fatal forces of nature That's why the WMO name them after their wives
How Does Moses Make His Tea? Hebrews it
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart. 
I hate those people who knock on your door... And tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn... Stupid firemen.
My parachute didn't deploy At least I have the rest of my life to fix it.
Sicilian saying "When you wake up with four balls, your enemy is behind you."
So my boyfriend and I broke up, but I made a Sim family about us.. I just realized I have to kill every member of that family
Why did the hippie drowned in the ocean? Because he was too far out. Ba dum bum tissss
2 lepers playing poker... 1 throws his hand in, the other laughs his head off.
What is it that separates humans from animals? The Mediterranean Sea
I've just found out I can have sex at 65 I live at number 59 so it's only a short walk!
Historic moments in rap. Jay W [username taken] Jay X [username taken] Jay Y [username taken] Jay Z
What do you get if you don't pay your exorcist? Repossessed. (Credit to my great-grandmother.)
How do you confuse a feminist? Tell her you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.
What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip..
Step 1) Get a job selling punctuation marks. Step 2) ?????? Step 3) Profit.
I have, a really beautiful body under my floor boards
How do aliens stay warm? Space heater.
Wasn't gay marriage always legal? Because I know that people have been happy on their wedding day.
I'm so damn tired. I haven't slept since last year.
How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope.
I will always remember the last thing my Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket... He said- "How far do you think I can kick this bucket"?
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I just stepped on a cornflake. Now, I am officially a cereal killer.
Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No, they already have names.
Doctor: "I'm sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners--" Lou Bega: "Way ahead of you."
Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician? To get a bit of light relief.
"If you break up with me, I will beach myself." -dramatic whale
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply......Chuck Norris
As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors
*knock knock* "Are you a Jehovah's Witness"?
"How many volunteers do we have for the army?" "384 sir" "okay round them up" "400 sir"
Number one handheld A recent survey indicated that smartphone is the number 1 handheld device.. Penis has slipped to number 2..
Ke$ha is what all drunk white girls look like to drunk black dudes.
What is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay 200 to have a lentil on my face.
What would happen if pigs went on strike?  They'd form pigget lines.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Traditional marriage was between a boy's parents and a girl's parents. And maybe some cattle.
Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th? Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.
During labor the pain is so intense A woman almost feels what a man feels when he has a fever
What did the bread do after it had been oppressed for many years? Rye-ot
Slavery is such an ugly word... I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.
Sleep is like my love life, I ain't getting any
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If her ankles swell when she farts.
I went to the doctor. I went to the doctor with a stomach ache and I left with cancer! I was mad as hell!
just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident.
I've been a right-leaning man for most of my life Fuck scoliosis.
My eleven year old brother: "I have Asperger's Syndrome..." "...want a burger?"
How do you project confidence? Multiply by the cosine of the angle.
If you meet a woman who says your name with the same passion she says pumpkin spice latte you should marry her immediately
And for dinner... Mary had a little lamb.
Two blondes walk into a bar... The brunette ducks
A comment suitable for most of the reddit jokes Repost
what happened to the cow when it jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction!
I decided to try out a new Mediterranean recipe that takes 2 hours to cook. I've got a lot of thyme on my hands.
Why can't you hear the bass on Metallica's And Justice For All album? Because they threw the bass player under the bus.
What does Bob the spider do for a living? He's a web developer.
i asked my wife to send me a naughty picture on snapchat... so she sent one of our kids playing in my electronics drawer
If there is one thing sure to turn Reddit against you... It's defiantly clickbait.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She's a mile away and you've got her shoes.
Why sharks are afraid to borrow money from other sharks! Because they are not just sharks, they are loan sharks!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
What do you call a slippery book? Non-Friction
Great job keeping shit out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye.
Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag.. ;)
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
[Car dealership] Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one? Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to "regularly visits song lyrics websites"?
My penis died. Can I bury it in your vagina?
Why did Pee-wee Herman cross the road? He was choking the chicken.
What's it called when Batman doesn't go to church? Christian BALE!
"Can you read Chinese?" "Yes but only when it's printed in English."
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking JK Rowling
What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!
What do you call someone who gets high fast? A speed weeder.
What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino? 'Elephino!
Cool joke i found on the internet (very clever) If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
Disney just announced plans for an animated adaptation of Dante's Inferno They're calling it, "101 Damnations."
Don't take a shower when you're drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
Two cows were talking in a field.. One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".
When the priest says "Body of Christ" I say "Thanks, I've been working out." Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Why is it so tough to please girls? They take classes on mass debating.
I saw that a fellow Redditor needed a liver. Lets just say (_) / ( _)&gt;- / (_) OP De-livered &amp;nbsp; ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Not ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^true ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^story
What is big black and long. The lines at KFC
Marriage is like a hurricane... Starts with a bunch of sucking and blowing, and at the end you lose your house.
My life is a circus... I once juggled three fire-breathing girlfriends. Bah-da-BING!
If you're not part of the solution, I think... well, technically, that makes you insoluble sediment.
Q. What is the color of the wind? A. Blew.
Waiter asked if I wanted the soup or salad Me: Yes, I'll take the super salad
What do you call a hip French black guy? Latrill
The hardest part about eating a vegetable... Manipulating the wheel chair.
What's the difference between a frog? One leg's both the same.
What do you call a group of students? A school.
Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off He is all right now
Yo mama is so fat, she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge.
What did one gay man say to the other gay man in the gay bar? Stand up and I'll push your stool in. Yeah it's gross.
I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
Did you hear about the clown who refined iron? He smelt funny
I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
What did one white cop say to another white cop? Another black man bites the dust.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes Literally
i like to say "so long" in an asian accent is that so wrong?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I'm like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that's optimistically clean.
Some people don't realize how grateful they should be that I'm not allowed to carry a sword in public.
Why Can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer? Because sometimes, you can get rid of cancer.
Three logicians walk into a bar The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?" The first logician says: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." The third logician says: "Yes."
OVERHEARD - Woman 1: "We went downtown to visit 9/11..." Woman 2: "You mean the World Trade Center?" Woman 1: "No that's not there anymore."
What's the difference between a communist and a feminist? The communist wants equality
Sometimes, when I think about books I touch my shelf
Confusious say, when one man fishes in another man's well... ...he is likely to catch crabs.
[in bed] HER: talk dirty to me ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway HER: I meant- ME: I use a rat as a loofa
What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coughin?
What do you call a fruit that procrastinates? ...A Cramberry!
Why did the clothing store close? The employees where slacking off.
Do teardrop facial tattoos prevent crying? If so, I'm getting a urine stream tattooed down my leg so I'll stop wetting the bed.
I was watching the WWE wrestling with my son today... ...when I finally snapped at the whole charade and blatant fakeness of it all. It's about time he was told he's adopted.
The thing about ice skating ... No matter how good you are, the hardest part is always your nipples.
What do you call a gay cowboy? A jolly rancher.
I got caught sniffing underwear... I got caught sniffing my friend's sister's underwear the other day, What made it worse was she was still wearing them, Made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
What's the difference between an original joke and a repost? I don't know, I just click "submit"
Have you heard of the Austrian man Duerf? He was the world's leading reverse psychologist
Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea
Pretty gay how some dudes like other dudes.
Why does Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken always comes in a different box.
I'd like to tell a joke about Dratini... Only urbanites will get it.
Your mom thinks she's anorexic Whenever she looks in the mirror she sees a fat woman.
Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.
A Physicist sees a man about to jump off the Eiffel Tower He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
"Try it, it's so good!" "Come on, man. Just a taste." "I'm having some. Mmmm." "Trust me." Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I just submitted my penis as "Innovator of the Year" in 2009, for his pioneering work in solving womens hunger.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To visit the idiot. Knock knock. Who's there? *The chicken.*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
An abstinence ring and a wedding ring are essentially the same thing. Both come with lack of sex.
I used to think it was cool when all those athletes would say hi to my mom on TV.
"This is groundbreaking stuff."  Inventor of the shovel
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
What's the worst part of running into your ex? You have to get out and check to see how bad your car is damaged.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
My math teacher told me that 3/5 of the kids in my class don't understand fractions Thankfully I'm a part of the other 3/5.
Why do astronomers eat steak before skywatching? They're hoping for meatier showers
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I exercise at the gym because I can't exercise restraint when it comes to everything that's bad for me.
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless
I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.
What do we want? CLICKBAIT! When do we want it? The answer will shock you... ***** Edit: There was this one weird typo that doctors don't want you to know about.
Men shouldn't feel bad if they only last 8 minutes doing it doggy style... Because that's almost an hour in dog time...
Why wasn't the Canadian scared at the movie theater? He knew Nunavut was real.
He said he would call me at 5pm but didn't until 5.03pm. His lies will tear our relationship apart
What do you call a black man that flies a plane? A pilot you fucking racist.
(NSFW) Jokes
Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.
My wife was complaining that nobody ever phoned her, so I put a "How's my driving?" sticker on her car. Her phone hasn't stopped ringing since.
Hey, I'm a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douche bags, and then complain about it
What do you call bagels that can fly? "Plane" Bagels!... I'll show myself out...
What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they were married? Fiancee
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cugat ! Cugat who ? Cugat to love my jokes !
Who will inherit all of Trump's money? His hair.
How many spiders are in your vagina RIGHT NOW? The answer may surprise you.
Dudes that flip off the camera in pictures want you to know that they're tough and strong and not afraid of any fucking camera.
Yo mama so ugly that not even goldfish crackers smile back
My grandpa said that this generation relies too much on technology. I told him his generation relied on it more. Then I unplugged his life support.
"I never weigh myself" -People who weigh themselves daily
The moral of "The Three Little Pigs" is "make your house with bricks." Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I love linguistics Its the only class where I can talk about vowel movements.
Know why Chick-fil-A doesn't have a sandwich with two patties on it? because they don't want two chicks on top of each other! *RIMSHOT*
Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor? He had only one eye, but two pupils!
Marriage is like a card game. At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.
Don't ask me where I've been all your life if you're going to look so bored when I open my diary and give you a comprehensive answer.
Why did the aardvark cross the road? To beat up the idiot telling jokes about him. (Not an original joke)
I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day. I'm adding 'enjoys eating out' to my dating profile.
Two wives talking about sex The first asks 'Do you smoke after sex with your husband?' 'I don't know' replies the second 'I've never looked'.
Roses are red Violets are blue Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
missed connection: you walked by my house and saw me drinking from the hose. please respond with the hose color so I know it's you
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it's because of all the placenta I've been eating.
My daughter's been seeing someone called Jim. Only for an hour each time, always in sports gear and often sweaty afterwards. I don't approve
What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the galaxy!
How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn? The welcome mat is destroyed.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Prostitutes are really over achievers... I mean all they do is succeed.
What did the ocean say to the river? "You can run but you can't tide."
Why should you never fight a dinosaur? You'll get jurasskicked!
What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him? Danke
After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me. What do you call Afghan triplets? Twins! I am so sorry....
Uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh Me, Rap battling
My gay friend told me he loves living in Pennsylvania. He's never seen so many assholes in his life.
What's a ego maniac's favorite candy? Air heads
What does it mean when you're on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Meet my good friend 50 Cent, or as he's known across the pond... 10,000 Pounds
If a red man lives in a red house, a blue man lives in a blue house..... a green man lives in a green house. Then who lives in the white house? A black man
Why did the grinch cross the road? HE HAS TOO MUCH LONGER LEG !!!!
A hippie is walking along A Hippy is walking along wearing one shoe. Another hippy sees him and calls out, 'Hey man, you lose a shoe?' "Nope, found one"
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
I got jury duty next week My duty is to convince the jury that I didn't do it.
ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh
Why didn't Rivendell help Gondor? Elfish reasons.
Why is the blood of christ wine? Because he drank religiously
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when  he leaves for work in the evening? Have a nice bite!
A fireman's pole is a stripper's pole that takes you places.
My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don't brush my teeth
What do you get when you cross a slaughterhouse worker and a bad comedian? A bunch of butchered jokes
Weird Question in Exam Q) What do you find in cells? My Ans) Black People . . . I dont know why do they ask such weird questions in biology.
How do you kill a vampire dinosaur? You stakeasaurus.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir? Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?
Why shouldn't you talk to someone with a brain tumor?.... ..because they've got a lot on their mind.
"Yoda, are we supposed to be here?" "Off course we are."
You should be able to get out of a speeding ticket if you can prove you were listening to a kick-ass song.
Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!
Why does Donald Trump dislike Bernie Sanders? Chickens tend to avoid anything with the last name "Sanders".
My masturbation addiction is getting bad I'm right in the grips of it.
"NO HOMO" i scream at my dog Homo as he shits on the carpet
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
I really envy Gay couples At least then both people like anal. I have to keep pulling my girlfriends thumb out of my ass.
I saw Death walking out of my house today... I guess Grandma won. Again.
What i if told you You the read first line wrong And the second
Trampolines used to be called jumpolines Until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
Do you know how I know that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans.
Who wins most of the medals for bravery in Burger Land? The meatball heros!
My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their faces.
You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take -Jenny Mccarthy
I'm trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
"The captain of the Titanic just checked into an iceberg on Foursquare with 2,224 other people." - Twitter, 1912
That awkward moment when I'm really drunk and you're still ugly.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled 'oooooooo' on the floor. Spooky
Just learned the Finnish have a word "Kalsarikannit" which means getting drunk alone at home in underwear. Signing immigration forms now.
Luke, I am your uncle. Luke, I am your third cousin. Luke, I am your grandmother. - Skywalker family reunion
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
What genius named it a "news feed" on Facebook and not "bullshit"?!
What does a frog do when it barbecues? Rib it...duh!
A man walks into a bar sits down and orders a drink. He asks the bartender "are you into incest?" the bartender pours him his drink and says "relatively."
A combo of two classics. Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to your house. .................. Knock knock. (Who's there?) The chicken!
People who put a shitload of bumper stickers on the back of their vehicles love to loudly refer to God as a "she" in public places.
The term "Expecting a baby" implies uncertainty. Like we're almost sure it's a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows
What's the difference between a cow, and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 14 years.
Accidentally left creatine out on the counter overnight and there's a bigass 3" tall ant in my kitchen calling me bro now... scared to go in
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
In my day, you actually had to leave your house to be a whore. Thanks, internet.
What were the Mexican crisps doing in the locked conference room? It's nacho business!
I teased Peyton Manning so he broke my phone. Now it'll never go past one ring....
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick.
How tall does the grass grow in Germany? Nein feet tall.
I started to sing the poop song Dad said it was crappy.
It's illegal to tie your children to things but you can basically do the same by buying them a phone with a short charger and a bad battery.
Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana BATMAN! Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana BATMAN! -Me, sorting through my grandma's mail.
What's Batman's least favourite album? A Night at the Opera.
Given the number of tampon's wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I am... A joke !
I have a car! I had a car, Untill i woke up
Where did the Fonz go for his drinking problem? A-AAAAAAYYYYYYYY
Philippe Petit walked between the twin towers in 1974, big deal, I can do that today with no training. Just made that up, I hope it's not too soon.
Where do pigs park their cars? In porking lots.
Fun Super Bowl Game: Every time they show Ray Lewis on the screen, stab someone in your party and then deny it was you.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It's crazy.
I named my dick "The Truth" Because bitches can't handle it.
I know a really good joke Braden
GOP Debate Donald Trump has a big dick. Donald Trump implied that Marco Rubio had a tiny penis Ted Cruz ate a booger THE ARISTOCRATS!!!
Medical humour Q. What do you call a white blood cell with one leg? A. A limp-phocyte. (You're welcome)
HOT! dog what did the dog say about sexy dog to is friend wow look at that hot dog
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander? Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
If your bathroom mirror doesn't look like a Jackson Pollock painting, you're not flossing right.
Pacman went to a therapist to help his anger management. She said: "Next time you feel angry just waka-way"
Coke is just cherry coke after it's lost its virginity.
I went for a run and got back two minutes later because I forgot something, I forgot I'm fat and can't run for more than two minutes.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
What phrase would a neckbeard who watches South Park use the most? M'Kay
Why are fish so gullible? They fall for things hook line and sinker!
What position does the pig play in football?  Loinback.
I love 80s Rock It always makes me Bon Jovial
A couple have a lot of sex They challenge each other to see who can have the most sex in a month. The woman wins. Some say she cheated.
What language do birds speak ? Pigeon English !
There's an omelet in the fridge. I want it. However, I can't have it... It's eggspired.
What's the difference between men and women when watching video? The phrase "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film." usually has a completely different meaning.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh...... ok
What's the most popular website in Illinois? Cornhub.com
Why is the Mississippi so wide? Because Mr. Sippi is hung like a horse.
4: I'M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT Me: Stop yelling violent things 4: *whispers* I'm gonna rip your eyeballs out
And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.
No punchline needed. Did you hear Micheal J Fox got a new job working as James Bond bartender.....
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? If they had 4 doors they'd be chicken sedans.
It is a good thing butt cracks are vertical... If they were horizontal, we would hear clapping every time someone used the stairs.
I don't like how girls always want the guy to make the first move. Sometimes I just want to play as black.
When my dad caught me smoking a cigarette he took me out to the shed and forced me to teach him how to be hella cool.
Whenever we eat hummus my girlfriend always says to me.... HUMMUS IS YUMMUS!!!!!
Why did the communists trip over? Because they were Russian!
What has five arms, three legs and a head? The finish line at the Boston Marathon
Wife: that's never going to work Husband: you're so negative, Sandra W: you're planting bird seeds H: LET ME GROW MY BIRDS, WOMAN
Soup Person1 my alphabet soup is telling me a message. Person 2 what is it saying? Person1: oooooo Person 2 *sigh* Those are cheerios
What do you call a bird that speaks Spanish? A Si-gull
Did ya hear about the woman with five legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove.
What's the difference between hard and light? I can go to sleep with a light on.
Why did the nurse always insist on  using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures? Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
When the zombies want Twisties! take a look on this zombies viral video, serious feedback please :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdRiM_BPbQ8
Why does the letter "r" make all the difference between Friday and Sunday? payday vs prayday.
My toddler found a bottle of Axe body spray I got as a free sample, and now she's wearing a Tapout T-shirt and calling everyone "bro."
Catch Up or Catch It What do you do meet an old friend? What do you do when someone throws a ball? What do you put on a hamburger? What do you find in a litter box?
I set them up, you...
The 2016 election What a joke, am I right?
Whores on first, sluts on second, idle hos on third.
What did the guy from Northern Canada have to say about the place? He wanted Nunavut.
People keep telling me PHP is a dirty language... Until I shove a string up there asses and turn it into a multidimensional array.
Where do Peek-a-boo patients go? The ICU.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar
If you had to steal a bike from someone, who would it be? A black guy, because it's probably already stolen.
What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet? I need to know before my court date on Monday.
Trying to think of a joke about jerking off... I'm sure it will come.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do hard-working grocery store clerks get every year? A celery increase.
Remember the 7-Mile Spanking Machine? Turns out there will also be a punch line.
This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier? Put a toy for babies on its tail. YES
When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn't have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
What is worse, ignorance or indifference? I don't know and I don't care
Two mosquitoes were buzzing round when they saw a drunken man. One said to the other "You bite him ? I'm driving."
..because I always go through the punch-line first I'm usually buzzed by the end of the cake-line..
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr have in common? Each of their last big hits was the wall.
What do you get when you mix /r/pokemon and /r/gonewild? PP up
What do you call a Black man that walks by a Cop? A Pencil cause he's full of lead!
I went to an AA meeting I met a lot of batteries
It's only perverted if she says no..
What keeps the KKK happy? A Klan-do attitude... I'll walk myself out.
wife: Why is 9 crying? me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
hey Colorado, hows your aspen? (ass been)
What do you call a masterbating cow? Beef stroganoff
I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all...
The dalai lama walks into a pizza parlor... And he asks the cashier to make him one with everything.
I held the door open for a clown today... ...it was a nice jester.
How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way! 
I don't want a Hot Pocket. I'd rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.
Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.
Confucious he say... Man who walk before car gets tired, man who walk behind car gets exhausted
Deactivating your Facebook account is the new black friend.
I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"... ...Since most of them keep grudges for life.
How does every black joke start? By looking over your shoulder!
How many "suh dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. It's already lit fam
What steps do you take if you encounter a bear in the wild? Fucking big ones!
Why should the lower 48 states be the lower 46? Because Washington and Colorado aren't low, they're quite high!
My last days. If I ever end up on life support unplug me. Then plug me back in again and see if that works. REBOOT me baby!
The Dirty Dancing lift, except I'm throwing her off a cliff.
I really hate it when my gay friends joke about docking... It really gets under my skin.
Why do teenage girls not like filing papers? They just don't believe in labels.
What do you call a group of squid? A squad
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
Apparently, Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer is divorced. I guess she was the only bitch he couldn't train.
How many X does it take to change a light bulb? N! One to change the light bulb, and n-1 to display stereotypical behavioral traits of X!
Apparently, 4.665642(1) out of 7.4 people overcomplicate things.
What do you say to a black guy after washing his dog? Yo dawg I washed yo dog.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
A Jewish kid asks his Jewish Dad for 50$... His dad says "40$? What do you need 20$ for?"
My girlfriend said she's fed up of me pretending im a detective, and we should split up... I told her that's a great idea, we can cover more ground that way.
What do you call a joke that makes fun of a woman, who has not consented to be made fun of? ...misogynistic.
If you Happy and you know it thank your ex!
How is a 9 volt battery and a woman's anus similar You know it's wrong, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it
Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian? Cuz they got tired of Stalin.
What's the difference between a straight man's moustache and a gay man's moustache? The smell.
what do you call a spicy wrap made at an Indian takeaway? currito
Someone at the men's outfitter just called me 'MISS' on the phone... ... ehh at least I don't sound married!
A priest and a rabbi are walking past a play ground. and the priest says, " do you want to go fuck some kids?" and the rabbi replies, "out of what?"
How to ask for a raise Employee: Sir, I really need a salary increment, 4 companies are after me. Boss: Which 4? Employee: Electricity, Gas, Cable, Credit Card.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!
What disease do terrible parkers have? parkin'sins
What is the definition of trust? Two cannibals going down on one another
What was Princess Diana's favorite thing about the Xbox 360? The dashboard.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
What is green and smells like red paint? Green paint. Haha
I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women. There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
I wouldn't want to fly Virgin. Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?
A blind guy walks into a bar... Then a table, a chair...
I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.
It's so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Astor ! Astor who ? Astor the ball is over !
What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend? "Dayuum. I'd hit that."
OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don't know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll? I'm so confused!!
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren't for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Why didn't the schizo cross the road He was in two minds about it.
Every joke posted on this sub is stolen from Sickipedia. If you are going to steal someones joke at least give credit.
I'm deeply in love with you. But hard deeply, like demented. Kind of sick if you know what I mean. I will most probably end up carving you up. Want a coffee?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea Me: *rocks boat* Her: Hey! Me: *rocks faster* Her: Can we PLEASE go steady? Me: I do.
What is it called when a turtle is mentally retarded? Reptile disfunction. .
I have a friend who's half Indian. Ian
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office... completely naked, but wrapped in plastic wrap. The psychiatrist looks him and down and says...I can clearly see your nuts.
Confusious say "Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons."
I'm writing a song about milking a cow. It's all quarter notes.
What do horses eat on the internet? Hayy lmao
Why don't shrimp give anything to charity? Because they're shellfish.
A Rabbi's money maker. A man asks a Rabbi if he gets paid for the circumcisions. The Rabbi says - No, I can't do that! I just Keep the tips!
A Mexican walked into a Polish store and greeted every one. He was handed a sausage. Edit: Ok I will walk myself out...
The man on TV said if you drink alcohol every day, you're probably an alcoholic. Phew! I only drink every night.
Chuck Norris Children usually write there name in the snow with pee Chuck Norris writes his name in pee on concrete
Why could Darren jump higher than Zeus? because he was mortall.
My work out class has a cancellation policy of $15 if you cancel too late. Which means I just spent $15 NOT to work out. I am my own hero.
Why does Paris have tree lined streets? Because the German army likes to march in the shade.
Why couldn't the lumberjack sign into Facebook? Because he was logged out!
Her: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. Me: You do realize I'm your boyfriend right?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order? Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
What does spinach and buttsex have in common ? No matter how it's done, kids don't like it
What do you call a girl without boobs? **Justin Bieber**
What was the bear protesting? his right to human arms
I had the best ice cube It's like it could melt in my mouth
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
What's worse than finding a worm in your Apple? Finding half a worm in your Apple.
I really want a Popsicle but I'm so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
What was the rock band doing at the kitchen sink? Moshing the dishes
If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you!
What is the only correct answer to the question 'Are you ticklish?' I have explosive diarrhea.
What do you call an angry psychologist? A thera-pissed.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
What do you call a torturer who says a lot of puns. A PUNisher
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
[Interview] Why do you want this job? Me: *opens briefcase* I don't. *pulls out Snickers* I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
A young woman rolled her eyes towards me, So I picked them up and rolled them back.
I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
This one got my coworkers The stewardess on my flight asked me what snack I would like. I told her "The plain chips would be fine. She says "They are all plane chips, sir."
"Doc, my boyfriend & I don't wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn't working." "What kind are you using?" "Grape"
How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them? Don't worry they'll tell you
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snowballs
What was the last thing that went through Osama Bin Ladens head before he died? I hope they're all female...
Why were people in the Twin Towers so upset? They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane
wife: im pregnant me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments wife: im the mother me: this is what I'm talking about
What is a Jewish delima? A free ham.
I need to order faster internet then :D Lag makes you violent, not the games :D
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit..... .....join the Euphemism Society.
Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? A: They steal all the green cards.
How many tickles does it take an octopus to laugh? Tentickles
What do you call it when a Catholic remodels his kitchen? A counter reformation.
Why did I throw my phone out of my window? Because I turned on airplane mode, and thought it would turn my Iphone into a plane...
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer? One says, 'Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!' The other says 'Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe.'
If a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months
DEAD BABY JOKES: So what's the difference between a dead baby and dirt? **I don't eat dirt.**
Whats the closest a Mexican will ever be to happiness? The border.
So I tickled my little brothers feet this morning... ... my mom got pissed and told me to wait until he was born.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? Addictionary
A guy wins a contest s] \ A guy wins a contest at home depot Home depot manager:"Alright sir for your prize would you rather have a ladder or 1 million dollars?" Man:"I'll take the latter."
I'm quitting drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
If I got karma for posts... I'd still have no karma
Why do support meetings for premature ejaculation always start on time? Because the members come early.
Why are cops so bad at pool? Because they can't resist hitting the black ball.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery. XD
I'm blonde. What's your excuse?
I can't believe that... after all the times my girlfriend called me "daddy", she still didn't get me anything for Father's Day.
I own far too many "....For Dummies" books to have healthy self esteem.
My mum fed me yeast and put me in the oven. Just how I was raised.
I finally talked to my crush today I told her that she smells different when she's awake
How many people from Brazil does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazilian!
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose but you might not be able to do either if your hands are severely disfigured.
Why did the.. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side
What do you call a Mexican on a bridge? Spic and span
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family reunion.
My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to "clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!" And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn't have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful.
*Getting a tattoo* Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you're using a regular pen on your spare time?
I started downloading Jaws the other day But after one megabyte, my computer died.
I've decided not to have children The kids are devastated.
The local flasher in my area was going to retire this week but he's changed his mind and is going to stick it out till Christmas.
Other people's children are my form of birth control.
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
If I ever get a dog I'm going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Please pray for my friends' 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn't photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
What do you say to a bodybuilder to get him to repeat you? No Whey
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly - autocorrect
Alzheimer Joke (Not sure if repost.) I'll see myself out...
The banana asked the vibrator... The banana asked the Vibrator "Why are *you* shaking, shes going to *eat* me!"
if you hold an empty gatorade bottle up to your ear you can hear the sports
Don't beat your cock That little pecker might stand erect in spite of your firm grip and come to stick its beak in your big brown eyes.
it is a joyous occasion when the lava in my lava lamp randomly forms a perfect dick and balls
My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week.
What did JFK say about his multiple affairs? "I did them not because they were easy, but because I was hard."
A Lion Air flight which overshot a runway in Bali crash landed in the ocean Saturday... and now it's just Lion there.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Knock knock, Who's there? Harper Lee (Author of "To kill a mockingbird") Harper Lee, who? Harper Lee I can fly....
I posted a joke about a coffin before on reddit It got buried
What kind of shoe does Mr. T wear? T-shoes!
Why is flour so dumb? It's inbred.
A pack of coyotes shrieking at 3:12 AM is less unsettling if you instead imagine it's a bachelorette party that just got a limo upgrade.
Knock knock... Who's there? Smell mop. Smell mop who? (Wait for inevitable groans) Courtesy of my boss, lover of lame jokes.
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf Guy: do you mean polo? Me: [realizing he isn't classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
If Bernie Sanders is elected president, I want to spend a weekend at the White House and film it. I'll call it "Weekend at Bernie's"
People who say "no regrets" just have too many regrets to keep track of.
DATE: *gets in car* ME: hi *starts driving* DATE: how's it going? ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons
How do man-eating monsters count to a thousand? On their warts.
The minus sign tried to explain to the plus sign how multiplication works, ... ... but he only understood sum of it.
I've not smoked weed in two year, during that time I've completed sooooo much ...................... drunk
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... ...fucking livid...
Gay guys don't listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say "I know, right?!" while we wait for our turn to talk.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint; the phone rings,and he jumps up shouting: "Oh Shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What do you call a Mexican little person? A paragraph because he isn't a full ese (essay)...
In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing
Instagram now has video! I'm going to film the hell out of this salad!
I never get tired of my old Tweets getting RT'd so I know musicians never get tired of hearing their songs being played on the radio.
Miami football Heh heh heh.
How are Harambe and the iPhone the same? it only took one extra hole to kill them both
"And why did you join our gym?" to stay healthy a friend recommended it I've seen myself naked
There's a new app that tells you which of your friends are racist. It's called Facebook.
Have you heard about the drought in Yemen? The UN is giving out a lot of Yemen aid.
What do you call a kind rock Gneiss
Just left a note on the ex's car saying "I STILL LOVE YOU" hope it doesn't go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier... if my wardrobe wasn't so fabulous!
After nearly three months of trying... ...my wife just told me that she's pregnant!! She has the worst stutter ever!
Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....
If Alcoholics Had Written The Declaration Of Independence would we have government of the pickled, by the pickled, and for the pickled?
What, according to Freud, comes between fear and sex? ...funf.
Good thing I don't see any political posts on my news feed In fact, my Myspace friends haven't really posted much since 2010.
:O + :P = 69 Simple math
Bill Cosby was actually gonna be in a Marvel movie He was gonna play Sandman.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
What do you call an Italian with no arms? Deaf
I've never met an exam I've liked... They've all been too testy for me.
NSFW The joke you'd never tell someone in person. I'll start What does a baby's vagina smell like? *Lean in, blows softly in your face*
Uniformed personnel walk a fine line between being ignorant and being out of shape. Add a letter and they're uninformed. Take one away and they're unformed.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
"Steak and Shake" great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Are you addicted to masturbation? Reach out to me and we can beat it together.
At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
How are one night stands like savings accounts? ...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today? 5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.
I wish women would put the toilet seat back up after they're done using it.
My phone autocorrected "killed" to "kilt"... Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.
I'm no computer expert, but spreadsheets are really where I Excel
You can't spell Chipotle without E. Coli
Is that dress white and gold or black and blue? Either way, it's refressing seeing a debate about color in America that wasn't started by a cop killing someone. @NatBaimel
What's a dragracers favourite meal? Brake-fast
I'm going on a seafood diet for the holidays... that is, I see food and I eat it.
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord. My ass!
Just heard they're investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT'S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands? A dope ring.
Nuts I like: -Cashew. -Almond. -Pistachio. Nuts I don't like: -Hairy. -Religious.
Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.
This tub of margarine doesn't believe it's me.
i hope the guy behind me in line doesn't think i'm a weird cat lady cause my cart's full of fancy feast. i just like the way it tastes, dude
2 Scientists walk into a bar... The first one tells the bartender, "I'd like some H2O" Upon hearing that, the second scientist says, "I'd like some water too. Jimmy, we're not in the lab anymore..."
What do you say when a virgin sneezes? Goesintight.
Not to play the martyr, but I feel like the thousands of fruit flies in my kitchen should be more appreciative for all I have given them.
What do you call a two dentists that live on opposite sides of the world? Molar opposites.
If college football created a bowl game called the "Hyperbole," which two teams would be selected to play in it? The two greatest teams in the history of the known universe.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Albee ! Albee ! Albee a monkey's uncle !
I called the rape advice hotline... ...Turns out it's only for victims. Edit:: Guys relax! Its JUST A JOKE.
CNN just wondered if I'm sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I'm sending them to punish you for CNN.
My school janitor is a part-time pianist. He has 88 keys.
Her: My father is very upset that I'm your girlfriend. Me: Well, duh, I'm very upset that you're my girlfriend...
what's that word for when you're peeling off a sticker & it comes off in 1 perfect strip & it's better than love or joy or any human emotion
What is worse than a worm in your apple? The Holocaust
What's the difference between a headmaster and  a poisonous snake ? You can make a pet out of a snake !
I'll try to explain the concept of lubricated soap.... ...but its quite difficult to grasp.
Why is it so expensive to live in Ireland? Cause they keep *Dublin* the taxes.
I just ate four cans of alphabet soup... ...and just had the largest vowel movement ever.
The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.
Irish joke So three Irish men walk out of a bar
If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret. Then punch the person in the face.
I like my women how I like my drinks Soft and extra large.
How do you stop a rhino from charging? You take away its USB cable.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing...They're both stuck up cunts.
People think having crabs is a bad thing. Still, at least something's sucking my cock.
I was in the middle of a selfie and my mother walked in, now all she can say is "don't worry son everyone's doing that."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it pees? Because the p is silent.
Marijuana is the answer! (I don't remember the question)
Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet :(
I always squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my knees and lean forward Cause that's how I roll.
"Fuck it" - guy in charge of naming the hot air balloon
Who Has a Chance for the Title: The World's First Gay Ass Motherfucker? Brody Jenner, Bruce's / Caitlyn's son First joke posted.
What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.
Today someone told me that I was ignorant and apathetic. I don't know what that means and I don't care.
What's the difference between a good joke and click bait? This isn't a good joke.
Being in love is amazing, the way it takes your breath away, closes your air passages and renders you unconscio--no, wait, that's asthma.
Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can't spell toboggan (This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)
How many American golf fans does it take to change a lightbulb? 1001 1 to offer up the bulb and 1000 to scream 'Get in the hole'
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din...Me:(interrupting) YES.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine? me: laughter nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD- me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My gf said "tie me up and do what you want" so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar
How do Mexicans cut pizza? Little Caesars (say it out loud)
Joke of the day Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
That which does not kill me... should run.
First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No I'm dead on my feet.
Cop - "sir, are you a salamander?" Me - [is 9 inches long. enjoys a mixed diet of earthworms, flies, beetles and vegetation]
What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado? The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it's for her is to eat it. Apparently
Cats are just dogs who've been to drama school.
What's cold and always runs from a fight? Coward ice.
Sorry about this in adavance What part of a vegetable **can't** you eat? The wheelchair
People say I'm the Lebron James of Comedy... Because I'm balding and Delonte West had sex with my mother
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer....... I'm not sure what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day
What do I say when my favorite spice knocks on the door? Cumin!
Two gay deer walk out of a bar... One turns to the other and says "damn dude, I cant beleive you blew twenty bucks in there"
What do you call having sex in a canoe? Bud Light, because it's fucking close to water.
Did you hear about the popcorn that was demoted? He used to be a kernel.
7/11 was a part time job
I got accused of date rape once in college, but that's ridiculous. It wasn't a date.
Have you ever heard of the similarities between a choo choo tran and a brthday? Neither have i
I wish I hadn't spoken French to my cat. Now he thinks he's the king of Iran.
A farmer plants a field of dildos. What does he get? Squatters.
Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app... called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.
How do you kill a hipster? By drowning it in the mainstream
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by a chicken
Have you heard about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
do u know the muffin man the muffin man the muffin man do u know the muffin man that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d DROP THE BASS *club goes nuts*
If I can use dollar bills to make it rain, are dollar coins golden showers?
You know what they say about killing bees... It's a real buzzkill.
They are starting to print new Euro notes... ...on grease proof paper.
The woman's bumper sticker claimed she was pro-life... ...but her reckless driving suggested otherwise.
Apologising Made Simple by Thayer Thorry
If the police police police police, who polices the police police? Police police police police police police.
Don't kid yourself vegans. If a cow got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you know
How does Jesus pull mad bitches? Because he's hung like this! ( extends both arms horizontally)
Why couldn't the Japanese guy see his car? Because he had a cataract!
What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck? After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck
A man who forgets his wife's birthday is  certain to get something to remember her by.
Boss: You're late! M: It's 6.30am B: You start at 6am! M: I know but that's just crazy. This is better for me. And now we wait for HR.
What is Pat Sajak's favorite Christmas carol? No L
Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation And I've gotta say, it really shucks
i couldn't tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a  Polak is there? A: He's the one with a duck.
Don't worry if you're not part of a clique. You can get the same experience by running through a minefield.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the hear the word FACIAL
Girls think I'm ugly, until they find out how much money I make... ...then they think I'm ugly and poor.
What is the worst thing to come across whilst surfing the web? Your keyboard!! (credits to NCS)
Why do clowns make bad entrepreneurs? Because they're into some funny business
Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I'm burying the body.
Math proves girls are evil
I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
"Hi, I'd like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please." "$3.23." "Oh, and a bottle of water." "$87.54. Please drive thru."
What is the appropriate response to a great performance at the Special Olympics? A handiclap
Being a bachelor is dangerous. I pulled a groin muscle while getting out of bed. Over and over and over....
"Mah son's real smart!" crowed the redneck  mother to an acquaintance. "He's only six but he can already spell  his name backwards and forwards!" "What's his name?" asked the  friend. "Bob."
Did you guys hear about the homeopath who forgot to take his meds? He died of an overdose.
I saw a gay bar with the entrance boarded up, but it was open... Everyone goes in the back door anyway
5yo: I can't wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you're here from the future to save the world.
One sneeze: Bless you. Two sneezes: Ugh, bless you. Three sneezes: Silence. Four sneezes: We'll never be as close as we once were.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 
Single life might be lonely, but at least I'm always with my favorite person
Terrifying to think that every Chinese person is a deadly karate-bomb, just waiting for the slightest provocation to explode.
What's the best thing about fucking twenty eight year olds? There's twenty of 'em!
Why do skinny men like fat women? Because they need warmth in winter and shade in summer.
I like my coffee how I like my women Without a penis.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender
BERNIE: all people deserve to be treated equally HILLARY: the oposite of "bernie sanders" is "soakey waterers" BERNIE: ... HILLARY: pls fav/rt
If a man masseur refuses to give a massage to a woman Is he a misogynist?
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
What do you call a robot dressed in drag? A transition metal.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
I just realized I'm a bisexual. Every time I have sex, I have to buy it.
A man orders a coffee without milk. The barista replies, "I'm sorry, we're out of milk. Can I get you a coffee without cream instead?"
Two clocks are sitting around, when a man walks up the man takes away the clocks little hands and walks away. The clocks then yell at him, saying "You can't do that, it's hours!"
GF: I'm moving out if you don't stop pretending you work at a supermarket. ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?
I want to play checkers today so I can say "Martin Luther King me!"
Why did ISIS invade Antarctica? They saw a documentary about penguins and thought the continent was full of devout Islamic women.
What do you call two black guys on a bike? Organized crime
I'm getting a new appreciation for black and white films... I just watched jungle fever and I loved it!!!
If we didn't have lawyers... We wouldn't need lawyers!
"You look like a million bucks", said Bill Gates disappointedly to his wife.
A man is shot... He recently converted to islam.
Why is it better to be fat than skinny? Because the pros LITERALLY outweigh the cons!
What do you call sleep walking nun? Roaming Catholic
Someone called me a pussy Well, you are what you eat
So i was making a software to help people to stop procrastinating and never finished it.
Two scientists walk into a bar. One asks for H2O, and the other asks for H2O too. They both die because the bar was in Flint, Michigan
What do you call a Canadian singer eating French mustard on the roof? Ceiling Dijon.
Pi-ku Math is fun When Mixed with some pie
TIL Abortion doctors are also called spawn campers
My wife says I snore really bad, so I stayed awake all night to see if she if she was right. Turns out she's a liar, I didn't snore once.
"Hell, yes." ...the devil answered the phone.
What's the hardest thing on a cowboy? The 4th grade.
What's long, dark, hard and grotesque but very satisfying to beat? Bloodborne
Drunk Guy Guy: Dude I Wasn't That Drunk, Friend:Dude U Were WAtching TV And Laugh, Guy: Sooo -_-, Friend : The TV Wasn't On
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Constipated people just don't give a shit.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.
Girls are magic... They get wet without water, can bleed without injuries and get boneless things hard!
My girlfriend uses an amazing skin moisturizer It's like taking a handy from a baby!
What do you call a human organ cut in half ? A human piano.
Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her  birthday. How lovely! Yes but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!
There was once a zoo that only had one animal: a dog. It was a pretty Shitzu.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I'm next.
Catherine Zeta-Jones was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder half of the time she is Zeta, the other half shes Jones
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch? M: I'd rather be the Mom K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
what do hookers and guns have in common? the customer wants the most bang for their buck.
I bet there would be a lot more wars if there weren't boobs. I haven't seen a boob in 2 days and I'm ready to kill someone.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u
What's the difference between a sadist and a math teacher Nothing
Cops are like women. Can't live with them, can't live without them. And they're a bunch of pussies.
I'm going to dress up as laundry next Halloween bitches love doing laundry.
My business card is just a moist slice of cantaloupe.
Why did Saul want to kill Christians? Because he was Saulty. I'll^show^^myself^^^out...
How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's LUNAR ASSAULT and it's not funny.
My Girlfriend wanted me to give her anal. I said fuck that shit.
You should never trust a person as far as you can throw them. Needless to say, I trust the fuck out of babies.
Why is it called a "network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows" and not "Moo-LAN"
I have beautiful children Thank god my wife is having affairs
Is there a scientific name for the state where you're not hungry but you want to keep eating, besides "awake"
anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough
I find it really hard to tell jokes on reddit. I always punch up the fuckline.
Why did Mozart kill his chickens? They were yelling "Bach Bach Bach Bach"
Commas can change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I like to eat apples. ---&gt; I like to eat commas.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive Because she was a woman
Your mum should get tested for HIV It will be the only positive thing in her life
Me: I am sad, we don't have any cookie crumble for my ice cream. Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
What do you call an Irish gangster that all living systems strive for? (X /r/ScienceJokes) Homie O'Stasis.
Why did the vegetables hop into the boiling pot of water? They were part of a stewicide pact.
A: Knock knock... B: Who's there? A: Gas station security, you tore down a poster in a bathroom, give us the money in your wallets or we'll shoot you
To the guy that invented zero... Thanks for nothing.
I like my women like I like my coffee All ground up and in the freezer.
What do we say to Boris Johnson and Donald Trump running the world? Hair Hair!
Mickey: "Minnie, I'm leaving you." Minnie: "What!? Are you fucking crazy!?" Mickey: "No, I'm fucking Daisy"
What do you call a German guy that measure horses Hands
Dad: Tall latte Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name? Dad: What your parents didn't give you one? *all the other dad's give him high fives*
When are minorities not minorities? When you look at crime statistics.
Sorry I always spell your name Brain, guys named Brain.
I ruined tonight's chilli. My ~~brother~~ sister said it was too spicey.
RIP evaporating water. You will be mist.
Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
What do we want? Procrastination! When do we want it? We will get around to it sooner or later.
For Halloween I'm goin to go as lost weed. Cause that's everyone's nightmare.
Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don't have mouths....but because they respect the choices you make.
Remember the guy who lost his left side? He's *alright* now
Did you hear about the live performance about the dictionary? I heard it was a play on words.
Why was the mother cow mad at father cow? Because she had beef with him.
That's a great river Dam it!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
polish priest sacked by the Vatican...... Well that's really taken the shine off the pope :)
How to break into comedy Crack a joke
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Therapist: what was it like growing up? Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
What did the BMW say to the Audi on the side of the road? Rust-in-peace.
My friend just told me he has a chocolate lab. Turns out it's a dog, not a place. Bummer.
Iggy Azalea must have an infinitely high viscosity because she got no flow.
What did the customer say to the overworked seamstress? Wow, you seamstressed out. (I'm so sorry)
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I'm fearful of her college days.
I thought I saw a pizza in the sexy underwear ad. ...oops, wrong subliminal
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...
Where do you buy a Walrus? WalMart!
Definitions Bigamist - An Italian fog. Myfunsalow - "I am broke" in Italian. Innuendo - Italian for suppository.
He died doing what he loved Making toast in the shower
What is a pirate's favorite pokemon? Arrrriados
Went to get coffee for a coworker. I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend? Me: No, it's for me. Apparently it's weird that I've had 9 birthdays this year.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews? Santa Claus goes down the chimney.
Siri, where did I go wrong? Siri: How long you got?
What did Jeffery Dahmer yell when he jumped in the pool? CANNIBAL!!!
Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once? I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
Why'd the band teacher go to jai? Because he fingered A-minor
If your toilet paper roll is on the wrong way, I'll fix it and then never come over again.
I hesitate to make fun of "Canadian bacon," because I know they'll eventually play the "American cheese" card.
#NAME?
How do you capture a polar bear? 1. Dig a hole in the ice. 2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole 3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
What does a gun, a fire extinguisher, and a condom have in common? Its better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it
Whats the difference between the FAA and a jet engine? The engine stops whining after the plane lands.
3-year-old girl My 3-year-old niece, stomping her feet in anger, making faces. Me: What's wrong ? 3-year-old: NOTHING! Phew! she's already a woman :-o
Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up? A: It is two tired.
Growing up, I had a best friend. When we first met we didn't see eye to eye, but then he grew on me.
I like my women like I like my cheese Pungent and gooey.
Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.
Can I fax something to you? 'Could you fax over a copy?' 'No, I can't fax because of where I live' 'Where do you live?' 'The 21st century'
I worry my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe a vision of how much worse it could have been.
What's a horny pirates worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty
Actual "dad" joke from my dad What does Mickey Mouse do to Minnie Mouse after she drowns and he pulls her out of the water? Mouse to Mouse resuscitation.
What's the most dishonest place on earth? The Library
Someone should tell Pam at work that no one wants to hear how cool her boyfriend is unless she's dating a helicopter.
what do pirates have with their fish tart arrrrrrrr sauce
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
What do you call it when two guys open a weed dispensary? A joint venture.
I was going to get married once... ...but then I got sick with cancer.
Me: I have NO drafts! Wife: *opens window* Me: ... Wife: *opens door* Me: ... Wife: That better? Me: I should have married your sister.
What happened when the Eskimo teens went clubbing? They got new fur coats.
What do you call an easy-going rabbit?  Hoppy-go-lucky.
Did you hear about the new Kanye track? Its the one about the lesbians riding three wheeled bicycles on a naturally occuring water dam? Its just dykes on trikes on dikes.
How many black people are needed to change a light bulb? One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.
What's the difference between a Groupie and a Stalker? A penis.
3: I'm going to say hi to that boy on the bike Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes 3: He didn't hear me Me: Flirting's hard
I like my women like I like my coffee Overpriced and bitter
How does a tractor break up with its boyfriend? With a John Deere letter.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a trash bag full of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
What's Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye's Chicken commercials keeps calling me "Honey" so we'll see where that goes.
(Commercial for noses) *puts bump of cocaine up butt, turns to camera* "If only there was a better way"
I bet George Washington's favorite drinking game had to have been Quarters.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Maybe artists wouldn't be so starving all the time if they'd just eat all that fruit they're always painting.
What did one angel say to the other? "Halo."
Coworker: I could care less! Me: How much less could you care? Coworker: I don't get it. Me: I noticed.
I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?
I WISH I WAS DUMBER SO I DIDNT REALIZE THE SUBTLE HORRORS OF THE UNIVERSE
Your mom is like a vacuum cleaner. She sucks balls and then gets laid in the closet.
In an elevator with my geology professor and my ex-geology professor. Can you say ROCKward?
A guy goes to the bar. The bouncer asks if the guy is driving. The guy responds, "No I'm standing".
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
There's a doctor who goes around my neighbourhood handing out body parts... ...he gives me the willies.
Why do they call dogs K-9? Because K-10 are for pussies.
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
Have you heard that story about that man who gets surprised a lot? It was a tale of WOAH!
I stepped on a grape once. It didn't scream, but it did let out a little whine.
I've been trying to give myself a sexchange... but I just can't pull it off.
What do you call a Canadian that's been run through a blender? Pure-eh
I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.
Glass coffins - will they catch on? Remains to be seen!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I'm the one who's dead, let 'em suffer.
If you like airborne fecal matter you'll love being alive on earth
What does a black policeman says when he looks in the mirror GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
What did the big hairy monster do when he  lost a hand? He went to the second-hand shop.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing
What do you get when you have Windows and Mac OS X dual booting from the same computer? A co-operating system.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I've got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
"Wow he's good" -possum at the morgue
They say "once you go black, you never go back," but.. If it's Hispanic, you know it's *gigantic!*
How about a Home Alone movie where Macaulay Culkin is the dad and he leaves his kids at home because that's all he knows?
What's a mouse's best friend? Curiosity!
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning. Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
How do you catch a bra? You set a booby trap.
How do you get a Warriors fan to stop masturbating? Paint his dick Cavaliers maroon and yellow.
For my food service workers out there: How many servers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not my fucking sidework!
I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don't have a garden.
Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don't get lost.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Going to Arizona in 2 weeks. Better bring my passport in case I accidentally get a tan.
If you ever get a job at a bank, take care not to slice your hand open while handling notes and coins. If that happens, you'll be sure to get a pay cut.
Just started a new job and apparently they use the word work less figuratively than I do.
What was Rihanna's nickname for Chris brown? Beats me.
I once dated a model, but I always preferred the earlier versions. This particular one was not very user-friendly, she was high-maintenance and my friends would always borrow her for personal use.
Wife: You said you'll keep me as a queen but you make me dig the farm all day. WTF is this about? Husband: Darling you are my Queen of Spades.
You know what's the worst thing about having sex with 28 year olds? You have to keep track of all twenty of 'em
*erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*
What did the donut say to the cop? Don't taste me, bro !
Nephew: Really?! Me: Yup! Go for it! N: *runs into wall* Me: *takes pic* N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts? Me: No, we'll try again later.
What do you call a crocodile who always lies? A croc o' shit.
How big was osama bin Laden's hard drive? One terrorbyte.
I'll never forget the last thing my grandpa told me before he kicked the bucket. He said "Watch how far I can kick this bucket!"
Apparently one in three people cheat. I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
When my wife asks me why I'm always late home from work I tell her I was getting some In-N-Out. She hasn't figured out why I'm still hungry when I get home.
What's the difference between light beer and having sex in a boat? Nothing. They're both fucking near water.
Why didn't the skeleton make a good lawyer? All his work was pro bono.
Why George RR Martin doesn't utilize suicide bombers in GoT? Because he does not have enough virgins left in the story
What do you call a math teacher in an anime? Sin Pi
Why doesn't people with two dicks get into the porn industry? Because they know they'll be fucked over. Edit: Don't, not doesn't. Sorry can't change title.
What do you call a blind deer? No eye-deer. What do you call a blind, dickless deer? No fucking eye-deer. What do you call a blind, dickless, quadruple amputee deer? Still no fucking eye-dear.
What do you call a red neck invasion? An incestation
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?! 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: The dog.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a repost
Two cannibals were having lunch. "Your wife makes a great soup" said one to the other. "Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."
When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.
It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch '50 Shades Of Grey' or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Recipe for homemade charcoal: 1. Put dinner in the oven. 2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet...
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I just read a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you love Satan." Sent from iPhone.
My favorite book as a child was... ...'I Fell Off Mt Everest' by Eileen Dover.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why did Tiger Woods get divorced? Because Tiger was a lion cheetah!
What do you call a bra that tightens the more you try to take it off? A booby trap!
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one that had a dream got assassinated
Lebron James is going to be in Space Jam 2 It's going to be really weird when Lebron quits the Tune Squad and joins up with the Monstars midway through the movie
Why do engineers work out a lot? They're obsessed with rigid bodies!
Why are vacuum cleaners made by gays the best? Because they really suck.
Why did the penis. . . Why did the penis stop going to the speakeasy? He was sick of ragtime.
I'm so out of shape Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me
Inventor of raisins: "What do you like about grapes" me: the juice part, the freshness Inventor: right but what if they had neither
What's the roughest part about being a 7-year-old in Liberia? The mid-life crisis.
My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts
What's Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? The Wall. Huehuehue
I'm uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. Guys.
Sometimes my dog barks so loud she farts which coincidentally is also Donald Trump's foreign policy platform. (Also his domestic platform.)
I don't have bumper stickers because I don't believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural? Dumb Bob: You add S. T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us. DB: [writes] SNAIL
Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because blonde boys aren't all that bright either.
Customer: "It says I've performed an  illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something  wrong?"
The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mick Jagger Barbie ...Mick with Barbie's head...but Mick's lips
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.
I be a quantum pirate. I'll make ye walk the planck.
Alcohol is nothing but poison But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.
NO. Absolutely not. I do not want to see your stupid cat video I've seen a billion cat vid-yeah ok let me see
Do you like any sports? No, but i like ~~the iphone~~ 10s
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but you're on Facebook instead.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. ~What is your sin, child? My husband and I are arguing ~That's very common. ...about my boyfriend.
If Romeo & Juliet didn't die and were allowed to marry, they'd have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other. So it was a happy ending
Why do they call it a third eye? If its on your fourhead?
Jesus walks into a bar, puts three nails on the counter, and says to the barkeep ... "Hey, could you put me up for the night?"
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I have a joke about US history but..... I'm going to rewrite it.
that's a rather intricate bullet proof vest ur wearing "this is a front-side baby carrier. this is my baby.." dude that's messed up
I can never remember, is it "break a leg" or "choke and die"? My niece looked pretty upset.
Have you heard my joke about construction? I'm still working on it
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
You heard of what happened to Robin Williams? You could say his jokes had him "gasping" for air.
Why are ducks always sad? Because of their bills
On the way into work I dropped my doughnut on the sidewalk. You read about these things, but never think it'll happen to you.
I take the time every night to read Facebook statuses to my children as part of my stay in school campaign.
Pro Tip: you can't just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I feel bad for people named John Smith. They probably didn't get the gmail account they wanted.
What's black, white, and red all over? Two nuns in a chainsaw battle.
When you get a brain freeze from a margarita you know you have problems
When a chicken pukes at a party... is that called a PARTY FOWL???
Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane into his brother's scrap yard.
I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10. Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.
I'm invincible. I can not be Vinced
Frankly, I adore your mom. She said I'm the funniest motherfucker that's ever been up in this bitch! And she wasn't talking about Twitter.
So my neighbour... So my neighbour asks me if I've been stealing her clothes off of her washing line, I was so shocked I almost shat in her pants!
I would put a web cam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.
Chem students do it on the table periodically.
Helicopter crash A helicopter crashed today over a cemetery on the outskirts of the city. So far the authorities have recovered over 200 bodies.
Only 9 more days til Xmas! Can't wait to see the look on my child's face when he wakes up and realizes daddy spent too much time on Twitter.
Wana hear a knock knock joke? Two guys walk into a bar...
What did the Abominable Snowman do after he had had his teeth pulled out? He ate the dentist.
Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.
I tried learning braille, but it was really tough. Those bumps are hard to see
Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex.
X says to Y : "i feel so close to you, i feel like zero divides us"
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine... Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can
I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.
Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that? Then, don't do that.
Grandma walks into a butcher's shop Grandma: "Hi, I'd like to buy one baloney." Butcher: "Pre-sliced or in one piece?" Grandma lifts her skirt and says: "Does this look like a CD player to you?"
Hotel porn A father checks into a hotel with his children and whispers to the clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled." The clerk replies, "It's regular porn, you sick fuck."
i sneezed and all my butt drugs fell out
What did the father Buffalo say to his son as he left for school? Bison
I always wanted to be Batman when I was younger. Not because of the money or the gadgets. I just hated my parents.
Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud? He doesn't know how to turn things down
Its poor! But, What happens when Supper stars fart in public? lol
A necklace and a little plane on it. The man was staring at the little plane on the woman's necklace The woman: Do you like the plane? The man: No! I like the airport.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a watermelon. Ones fun to smash with a mallet and the other ones a dead baby.
"So, why do you want to be a doctor?" Because I can never be patient.
Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!
What is 7'' long, rock hard, and makes girls scream at it's sight? The sock under my bed.
We should have known communism would fail In hindsight there were a lot of red flags
Why are Indians so bad at soccer? Because everytime they get a corner they open a stall.
Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I used to think it was no big deal that my gums bled whenever I flossed, but I talked to my dentist about it and she said that it can actually be a bad sign. So now I never floss.
There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them.
a blonde and an african walked into a bar, the african said he did a lot of hardwork to come to the states the blonde agreed!!
there's nothing quite as American as eating when you're not even hungry
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
What is the similarity between a bicycle and a black man? The rightful owner of both is white
When children ask me where rain comes from, I pat their heads, shimmy up the nearest flag pole, and urinate on them.
Why is the sand so quiet? Because the waves keep going "shhhhhh".
The President of the United States, the Prime Minister of England, and the King of Thailand walk into a bar in Bangkok and the bartender says "May I get you and your guests drinks, Your Majesty?"
Have you heard the one about the agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia? He tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog
Someone called me racist for saying "black paint" Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".
[baby sitting] "Hey, yeah it's me. No, everything's fine. Just a quick question about his legs." "..." "So how many legs did he have?"
I've been reading a book about anti gravity I just can't put it down!
Who likes a good baseball joke? How can you tell if a catcher has the shits? The pitcher got some on his balls. ;p
A heartwarming conversation between a son and his father. Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob? Dad: Ohhh yeah I do! Son: How did it taste? Dad: Get out.
No matter how many times I see it, I never tire of an Italian woman yelling at a guy named Anthony in public.
Everyone's all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman's fighting Superman in 2016.
Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time? Young player: OK I'll come back in a year's time!
I would make a joke about Mexicans But they already are one....
Want to hear a clean joke? Jerry took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is a man.
If my wife is any indication, then we need a woman in office to get this country back on track. For years, she has been creating work out of nothing for me.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Donald Tump and Hilary Clinton are stranded on a Island, who do thy save first? America
Postmodernism pun Hi all, I'm trying to come up with a clever pun on postmodernism but I'm stumped. Does anyone have any clever puns on postmodernism?
I might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.
Monica Lewinsky just turned 43 It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the floor of the White House
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning's office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
How to eat French fries: 1) Eat all the good ones. 2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior. 3) Wait 5 minutes. 4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I left my Adderral in my Ford Fiesta I came back to a Ford Focus
sometimes if i'm having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i'm watching lord of the rings
A woman's work is never done. That's why they get paid less. (Source: Frankie Boyle)
Where do American bees store their honey? In a USBee hive. ~Thank my ten year old for that one.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The ostrich may have the right idea but I hate sand in my hair.
What do you call the history of a car? An autobiography.
What is the meaning of life? A movie. Told to me by Siri. Pissed myself.
If you walk into the bathroom an American and walk out an American, what are you in the bathroom? European.
Heard this one in a film you all might have seen A man is talking to his son and says, "You know, son, if you don't stop masturbating, you're going to go blind." The son says, "Dad, I'm over here."
How do you call a Jew teenager? Jewenile
A Chess Shop A man walks into a chess shop, and going over to the small asian manager, he asks if he can purchase a piece. The manager says, "Oh sure. Take a rook."
I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client. Oops, wrong sub.
You want people to leave you alone? Carry a clip board and try to make eye contact.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, cause they're to short to be an essay!!!
I've been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.
Why do Stormtroopers never laugh? Because they always miss the joke
A foolproof way to get a woman's phone number is to hit her car.
Why should you never shower with Pokemon? Because he may Pikachu
My sister told me she's dating an Irish guy I said, "Oh really?" She replied, "No, O'Reilly."
What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do? Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.
I'm always frank with my sexual partners I don't want them knowing my real name.
I'm an optimistic pessimist... I see the glass as half empty, but there are free refills
*flashes smile* *smile calls police*
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last as long for fat people
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.
I'm a huge fan of politically incorrect jokes. Listen to this absolute classic: "Abraham Lincoln was never president"!
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS: When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms. I call it Lip palm. It's free.
Ive tried everything to get my dog to behave. Ive tried shoving it into a wool tube, stabbing it in the neck and head, etc. nothing works.
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
I think I've lost an electron. Ion a minute, are you positive?
What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Robeerto.
Why is PBS asking me for money? If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.
*throws up gang signs* *never eats gang signs again*
What are golfers afraid of? The bogey monster
Why did TEN die because he was in the middle of 9/11
What's the opposite of a hipster? A napster
Found $12 bucks today! Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
I got pretty cool moves while dancing... But they say, so do people with parkinsons.
My close friend lost much of his life savings due to his Galaxy S5 Fingerprint Scanner being hacked and when he told me the story it brought me to tears. I guess you could say it was pretty touching.
I just came up with the BEST joke for Trump Trump is like gold. Incredibly dense, but somehow worth something.
Half the time, I don't know if I'm in /r/jokes or /r/shower thoughts.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I'm all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Justin Bieber's to be the new face of Calvin Klein. Awful news given he does such a terrible job of being the current face of Justin Bieber.
I want to open a sandwich shop in the new Islamic State it will be called the infideli
They say celebrities die in threes... Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson. Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in the fourth for free.
Me: Excuse me Father, what's the Wifi password? Priest: We're in Church! Me: Oh I'm sorry. What's the Wifi password, Amen.
I blur that line between "not a morning person" and "serial killer."
Why can't a ghost get anyone pregnant? Because he has a hollow-weenie
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say "Donald Trump" 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
My ex told me I'd never find another woman like her. nnI don't think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.
What are Asian Tennis Players most well known for? The Back Hand
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That's how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
If you have 12 enchiladas.... Is it a foot-alada?
Why is Steve Jobs middle child unemployed? Because he's always inbetween jobs.
"Do these horizontal stripes make my country look fat?" ~ American Flag
What did the Mexican name his two dicks? Jose and Hose B
Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.
Putting Your exam results on the window of your car So you can park in disabled spots.
Started a karate club for people who don't know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you're interested old ppl are welcome
The best cure for male pattern baldness is a six-figure income.
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom? Captain: Well it could have been worse. Manager: How? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
* drinks 6 pack of muscle milk * * checks for abs *
I just crashed into the back of a dwarf driver.... He gets out of the car inspects the rear bumper and goes up my window. "I'm not happy" he said "well which one are you then?"
Why did linkin park wrap themselves up in plastic wrap before they jumped off a cliff? So in the end they didn't even splatter.
"Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: When he asks for a lifesaver ask him what flavor he wants.
A man gave me 79 protons Thanks for the gold!
I've installed some complaining-powered lightbulbs in my bedroom They occasionally turn off, but never for more than 5 seconds
What's the difference between redditors and eggs? Eggs get laid.
want to go to a pet store and pet the guinea pigs. let me see those baked potatos stat. i want to hear the noise they make
What is the best cure for a headache? DECAPITATION!!!
How does a black woman know she's pregnant? When she takes the tampon out the cotton is picked.
I would have won the Junior Olympics too... ..if it weren't for you medalling kids.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? Little caesars.
Swimming is good for you. Especially if you are drowning.
Enjoy A son ask his Father "What does a vagina look like"? The dad said "Like a beautiful rose". He continued to say "and after sex, it looks like a bulldog eating mayonnaise".
Old Mother Hubbard.. Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard. To Fetch Poor Rover a Bone. When she bent over, rover took over. And gave her a bone of his own!
According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.
How would Saitama defeat all S class heroes? Consecutive normal punches
What do you call a chinese millionaire? Cha-Ching!
After witnessing the second coming of Jesus. My life has changed. I have decided not to watch Mexican Porn again.
*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker's office *sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting *retracts
[first date] Me: so what do you do Date: i'm a veterinarian Me: thank you for your service Date: veterinarian not veteran Me: ok but still
A fighter plane mechanic goes to the doctor for his impotence. The doctor examines him and then writes a brief diagnosis. "Could not reproduce"
What was the name of the time traveler with good timing? Justin Time.
tip of the day - dont swollow ur spit for like 20 minuts and then u will have a warm drink
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
What's the difference between a PhD in math and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four
A sandwich walks into a bar... The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you probably never heard of it.
Bruce Springsteen isn't very good at math I don't think anyone's heard him count past the number 4 in years.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Waiter: "I'm afraid your credit card has been declined." Me: "Try this one." W: "This is a blood donor card." M: "Take as much as you need."
How did Moses make his coffee? Hebrewed it.
My lift to work was late to arrive at the train station, so I killed the driver... ...I thought it was fair but some said it was a loco-motive
They say your memory is the first thing to go But I can't remember losing that
What is an emo's favorite note? G ...get it? EDIT:im not saying the reference
Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now.
rubbish invention I made a sandal for people with only one leg. it was a flop.
I just met a girl named ellen she's the complete inverse of my e^(x)
I'm going to tell you a joke about a broken pencil........ Never mind. It's pointless.
My friend said he almost got trapped at a camp site during a forest fire... ...He said it was pretty in-tents.
My father was a man of few words.He used to say, son...
A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
No matter how much you push the envelope... ...it's still stationery.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my cock in someones ass.
How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse ? Try picking them up !
Where's the 'Alpha male' bint putting out a video that becomes famous for the line "LEAVE JEREMY (Clarkson) ALONE!"?... In written form on every comment thread of every relative social media post.
Our school should start a calculus club We would all derive fun from it
For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.
Just once I'd like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no. If you're reading this, I lied.
Why there are so many avenues in France? Because german soldiers like to march in the shade
What's worse than finding a baby in a trashcan? Finding a baby in two trashcans.
BREAKING NEWS: Sad story, Justin Bieber's body has been found ALIVE in his NYC apartment. A moment of silence please for The Music Industry.
If a murderous killing machine came back from the future.. And calculated all matrices. Would he be the Determinator?
Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens. Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.
Werner Heisenberg's epitaph: Here lies Heisenberg. ^^^?
What gave the blonde a stomach ache? Nivea milk.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a six offender.
Hagrid is so fat The Sorting Hat put him in the Waffle House
Two prostitutes are talking about their clients... One of them says "So yesterday I had this client who had a dick like my leg!", the other replies "Impossible - no man has a dick that's that dirty".
Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
My friend woke up this morning in fits of laughter. I think he must have slept funny.
When Chipotle says, "Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?" I pause, then say, "Hang on, let me call my financial advisor."
[OC] I went to prison for identity theft. Good news is I'm cell mates with a famous musician, bad news is I'm now Rick James' bitch
Interviewer: We offer great benefits. Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh? A: A violist playing octaves.
Someone told me flowers had sex organs... ....what a load of Poppycock!
Gay used to mean happy, then it meant homosexual, then it meant kind of lame, now it's just gay.
Him: Get on my level. Me: You're a gamer? Him: .... Me: .... Him: You need to get out more. Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.
Clark Kent "I have a confession" Lois Lane "what is it?" *Clark removes his glasses* Lois "Is it a bird?" Clark "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU"
Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy.
What do you call two nuns playing a bongo? A conundrum.
What do you have.... ...when you have one green ball in your right hand, and one green ball in your left hand. Answer: Complete control of the Jolly Green Giant.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says "Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common." I've been in both.
What do lonely terrorists have sex with? Blow-up dolls.
It's a pleasure to do business with you. I look forward to screaming at your customer service representatives in six months.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was black.
What was Robert E. Lee voted in his High School Yearbook? "Most likely to Secede"
Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged? Because cowboys eat with their hats on!
It was one of those things where I think they believe they were telling a joke but they were totally expressing their actual opinions
"Cool calculator watch dude." ~nobody since 1987.
Alright Ralphs, here's the deal: you replace people with automated cashiers, I replace paying with stealing produce.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself.... -history
What do you call batman when he misses church? Christian Bail
What operating system does Varys have on his computer? Unix
How do you know when a mechanic has a girlfriend? He has one clean finger.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dick is hanging out.
What's the difference between ISIS and a prostitute? Not much, give or take a few heads.
I just found I'm asexual... I'm just looking for A person to be sexual with
#1 pick up line in a gay bar? "Can I push your stool in"?
I am not an accident waiting to happen. I am an accident. Happening.
Whenever someone says they hate cats and they're all shitty and snobby about it, I'm like, "Weird cuz you behave JUST like one."
"Lady In Red" is my favorite song about a guy that's trying to get laid even though he can't remember her goddamn name.
When I was a teenager, I tried to throw out all my boardgames... My parents were mad that I was throwing my Life away.
'A confident swipe of the debit card' is my favorite fantasy.
I was blind for a while after eye surgery. Those were dark times.
My birthday is coming up, wife agreed to bday sex. Thankfully she'll be out of town on a business trip so I'll have the house all to myself.
Who do mice worship? Cheesus. :)
There are 10 types of people... (with a twist) There are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who don't and those who understand the off-by-one error.
What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea. One shucks and fits and the other ...
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Have you seen the special message written at the bottom of a condom when you roll it all the way out? Me neither..
Thanks for coming I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase.
My lovelife is like a ferrari. I can't afford it.
if u don't like central stations ur gonna HATE grand central station
Marshawn Lynch came back to play for the month of October. Breast Mode
Why is Ronaldo so good at football? Oil of Ole Ole Ole
Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.
I like my women like I like my Scotch. Noice.
I ll see myself out.. Did you know? You can buy a 2 pack of Eminem s for Fifty cent..... It s Ludacris
Why is Denmark the happiest country on Earth? Because all the sad people there kill themselves.
Did you hear about the Stormtrooper who became a kamikaze pilot? He survived 99 missions.
Damn you titties, stop being so glorious. Your owner is trying to tell me something and I need to make eye contact.
If I had a dollar for every downvote... I'd be rich from this post.
Why don't they let Pakistanis take corners in soccer? Because they'll set up a shop.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
What's the name of a Korean cook book? 150 ways to wok your dog
What do you call an Chinese family with a pet dog? Vegetarians. Source: I'm Chinese.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? an investigator. :D
Pal: That's an impressive stingray. How'd you catch it? Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring? Hundreds of years of disease and genocide.
Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.
My dog is either dreaming or can't quite figure out how to shape shift.
A couple of Irishmen are walking down a dirt road . . . The come across a sign that says "Tree Fellers Wanted". One of them says to the other, "To bad there's only two of us."
I finally mustard up the courage to tell my gf how I felt about her excessive sausage consumption Things took a turn for the wurst
They should do a scene in a comedy movie where someone rides their bike into a parked car.
I am motherfucking sick of the motherfucking delays on this motherfucking train!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I'm having contradictions!! Operator: Ma'am, do you mean 'contractions'? Woman: Yes! No!
Pop superstar, Will.i.am, has just bought a new car. It's a Jag.u.r.
When does a hamburger wear a look like a smile  button? When somebody says 'Well done'!
What's the secret to a great joke The timing. The timeing.
I was thinking of getting myself Cryogenically frozen but now I have cold feet
Life is sexually transmitted.
"Plagiarism squad reporting for duty sir!" "Copy that"
So there were these two extremely saggy breasts.... one looked to the other and said "If we don't get some support soon, they're gonna think we're both nuts!"
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Why should you never play poker with African cats? Because they're cheetahs.
What's the difference between a vegetarian and a virgin? A vegetarian doesn't like meat and a virgin doesn't know yet if she likes meat or not.
Why is six afraid of seven? Seven is a registered six offender.
Republican luminary Sarah Palin. If I have to explain then its not funny. If I have to explain then you most likely voted for the Republican luminary Sarah Palin.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I'm gonna be them on social media & just comment "nice" on everyones old pool pics
Hey, yeah I'll be ready in a minute. I'm just going to shower and jerkoff. just kidding, I'm not going to shower
I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them.
ME: I have so many questions SOOTHSAYER: forsooth ME: Exactly lol S: SOOTH ME: Yeah so- S: Sooth? ME: You only say sooth eh S: *nods* sooth
Two nuts were walking down the street.. One was assaulted
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Your wife and your lawyer are both drowning. You've got a choice to make. Do you go to lunch or a movie ?
What do you get when you suck all of the Botox out of Madonna? Betty White.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a thief? Nothing.
Two vegans get in an argument They now have beef
CW: You're not wearing a costume. M: Yes I am. CW: You're dressed as yourself? M: No. I'm a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
What is the difference between a golfer and skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* "damn" and a skydiver goes "damn" *whack*.
Rioters are like school in July. No class.
I've started calling my girlfriend names like Custard, Ice cream, Pudding, Chocolate cake, or Apple pie. I'm planning to desert her.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his food before it was cool.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
What's the difference between a formally-dressed man riding a unicycle and a casually-dressed man riding a bicycle? Attire.
Hmmm, why don't we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I'll leave you alone for a few moments... -me as a therapist
Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos
When you've got a bladder infection... Urine trouble.
A Muslim walks into a bar BANG (bomb explodes)
Did you hear about the baby with the gigantic, record-setting head? The mother called it a crowning achievement.
What do you call 5 black people having sex? A threesome.
French People and France When god created France it was beautiful, and great. The rest of the world was so jeaulous...so to make it equal god created French People.
Why can't women play sports They can't wear the same clothes as 11 other women
So I asked my grandma I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
How dumb do you have to be to fly right into my fucking face? This is why we shouldn't allow bees to text.
Sorry your dad died. Here's a card with a waterfall on it
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore... ...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
Yahoo answers is my primary care physician
I once knew a girl called Virginia... We called her Virgin for short, but not for long!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
Did you hear about that girl in the terrible car accident the other day? Her entire left side had to be amputated. She's all right now.
Dick Cheney was found having sex with Sarah Palin in a speedboat. It wasn't the first time he was caught offshore drilling.
What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Pinocchio? Some day, Pinocchio's going to be a real boy.
"People want to feel special.. they'll buy sugary piss in a bottle as long as it has their name on it." - Executives at Coke
Why did Prince Eric leave Ariel when she became a human? He was just chasing tail.
[date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
What did the 2 say to the 3? Do you even, bro?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
How many Africans does it take to change a lightbulb? Five, one to change it, and four to dance around for no fucking reason.
I was going to make a joke about sodium but then I thought Na.
When someone yells "STOP!" I never know if it's Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.
What do you call a lamington that weighs a lot? A lamingTON!
To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting "*He will not divide us*" after he got arrested yesterday? His buttcheeks.
Dear High School Reunions, You are now obsolete. Please contact facebook with any questions.
People who still say 'YOLO' only deserve to live once anyway.
What do you call Christopher Reeve before the accident? Christopher Walken.
What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists? Baryon my wayward son!
Fero's Law states that if your hands can be wet before you're introduced to someone, they will be.
What swims slightly faster than a shark? The Little Mermaid on her period.
What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.
Q: Did you hear about the imaginary tree? A: It was mapleleaf.
Tom hanks probably fucked that volleyball
What's the difference between karate and judo? Karate is a method of self defense and judo is what bagels are made of.
What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty!
My husband and I are fighting. There's about a 50 50 chance he knows.
Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.
I wish the GPS lady would periodically say things like "Doin' great" or "Still going the right way, good job."
What do you call an American with a lavatory on his head ? John.
My neighbor won't give me a straightforward answer, he's always beating around the bush. Every time I ask why he just says "fuck you Gerald, it's my bush and I'll masturbate here if I want to"
Most guys walk up and stick it in... I stick it in then walk up...
What's an emo's favorite game? Russian roulette, except with a full chamber.
This poster that says "Green Day: Sold Out" is right in two ways
Q: Why can't blondes put in light  bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
What do you call an Asian penguin? A penguyen
Why does the disinterested Italian man have perfect skin? Because he's aloof-a
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his ark hives
Tomorrow is the start of International Holocaust Deniers Month Maybe better suited for /r/ImGoingToHellForThis?
Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home?
Red sea. Dolphins for some reason can't stop vacationing in Japan. Seriously, who told them that the coast was to die for.
When I was a kid, I knocked out the power in my house. Mom said it was just a phase.
What does a girls asshole and a 9v battery have in common? You know it's wrong but eventually you stick your tongue to it.
[The Justice League on patrol] Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy... Batman:*chuckles* Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I'm going home
Did you know that six days a week T.G.I. Friday's thanks God for nothing?
There is no more cake. This is my suicide note.
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode... I asked, "Are you two an item?"
What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win? Atrophy.
A tiny island deep in the Indian Ocean called Shiffer has the dumbest people in the world... It's why when you do something really stupid they say you have "Shiffer brains" - Johnny Carson.
I dont think being Gay is a choice Becuase if it was who would want to be Gay?
Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot
Confucius said, man who sleep with itchy bum... ... wake up with smelly finger. BA DUM TSS~
if we're on a date and you're rude to the waiter I'd be like holy shit I'm on a date
My girlfriend said I talked just like Justin Bieber... ...I said, "What do you mean?"
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
The worst thing about Muhammad Ali sending a "Tweet" to Mayweather . . . Ali couldn't type it and Mayweather couldn't read it.
Why don't we call the Hindenburg... ... the Skytanic?
This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh. It's a running joke.
4 worst drivers Women Asians Old people And the combination of the 3
2 Packets of Crisps were walking down the street. A man in a van pulls up beside them and go " Would you guys like a lift?" The Crisps replied " No Thanks we're **walkers**"
Guy walks into a bar... A guy walks into a bar and drunkenly yells at the bartender, "I fucked your mother!!". The bartender says, "Dad, go home".
My daughter has reached that age... My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
TIFU by asking my wife what is the difference between a penis and a paycheck? She said "there is a possibility of increase in size of your paycheck."
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I'm just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs* Friend: Bad breakup? Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey. Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Why can't Bach play the piano? He "Baroque" his arm, and also he's dead.
A Poem Roses are red, Violets are blue, Stop memes about Harambe -Cincinnati Zoo
I can't wait until the 50th Anniversary Special... I'm very interested in who JFK will regenerate as.
If I was named Edward Normus, I'd use my first name's initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
You deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger.
Why does the Necromancer hate doing stand-up comedy? He always has a dead audience
What do Muslims and the BBC have in common? They both cover up for pedophiles.
How to you make a Hormone? You kick her in the groin.
Alcohol activates the "we need to take pictures now!" center of your brain.
My dog loves sniffing piles of poop He gets so shitfaced from it.
So, I sold my old vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
What's big grey and flies straight up ? An elecopter !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Basket ! Basket who ? Basket home it's nearly dark!
Instagram banned me for life cuz I kept commenting "but are you happy?" on everyone's pictures.
I was reading a subreddit about unfinished sentences and it was Im not finishing this one eithe
How do you get your partner to give you head? Put them in a guillotine.
What do Psychologists say to each  other when they meet?" "You're fine how am I? "
*hot lady looks at me* Me: Hi! Do I know you? Lady: No I think I'm mistaken. *awkward pause* Me: So...is there a mister taken? *hit by bus*
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
My Father was never proud of me One day he asked me, "how old are you." I said, "I'm five" he said,"when I was your age, I was six"
What sounds like a frog but keeps me up all night? reddit
Friends don't let friends talk about Pi Lest they become irrational.
What do you call a Russian with Tourettes Syndrome? Yukanol Fukov
[1st date] *recalls buddy said women like a manly man* *but also, be sensitive* I like to work with my hands, But splinters make me cry.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone ...it's time to recharge your phone.
Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't, I kicked the piece of shit before it did.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
My friend told me I sounded pretentious in my essay I don't get it: I don't think I sound ostentatious.
[at bar] "Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year." Whoa that's impressive! "I know, right! Can't believe I got fired by that fig farm."
"1990 called, they want their shirt back." "...why didn't you warn them about 9/11?"
A man walks into a bar... The barman realizes something is up, and gets security to escort him out.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am Can you believe that? 3 in the morning, but luckily i was still up playing the drums.
TIFU by taking someone else's Subway order Oops, wrong sub.
what do you call a group of naked old men doing yoga? Lululemonparty
Me and my best friend reverse our cars everywhere together. We go back a long way.
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is inversely proportional to the severity of the  shitstorm that's coming.
ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes? HER: What? No, I said asterisks. ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
Cleaning ladies: The new craze that's sweeping the nation
My girlfriend from 65 years ago passed away.... Surprising because she was never one to go down first
Why is Justing Bieber like a shotgun? Give him a cock and he will blow!
I'd tell you my Jim Jones joke... But the punch line is too long.
Im so glad I learned sign language its pretty handy
What did the alien say to Franz Schubert? "Take me to your lieder!"
Dear America Would you please take the 's' off the word 'legos' and put it back on the word 'math' where it belongs. Many thanks England
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Apparently not 8 because my basement is still dark.
I'm an animal in bed I do it doggy style and come after 5 seconds
Nice butts take my breath away... I'm assmatic.
Never trust anyone under 30 lbs. Especially when it comes to driving directions. Babies are liars.
Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie? It was rated R.
If con is the opposite of pro ... then is Congress the opposite of progress?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What did the corn stalk say to the other corn stalk? "That outfit makes you look very corny."
Nobody really knew that grandma had dentures until.... ...it came out during a conversation
Where does lonely soup go? To a brothel.
If I had to choose between a stepstool and a device that let's me get even higher... ...I'd take the ladder. (I'll just leave now)
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I can't RSVP until I know the wifi situation at your event.
What do Paul Walker and Pink Flyod have in common? Their last hit was the wall
Chinese Food: $16.72 Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94 Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If you were transported right now to Mars you should be able to jump 62.5% higher... [anti-joke] But you can't because you would be dead. No spacesuit = not alive.
What did Jose name his son? Hose B
why did the cookie go to the doctors? ... because he felt crumby!
How to make $500 fast Attach it to a rocket Credit: 4chan
What do you call a racing horse that's never been groomed? Furlong
men are so polite woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can't attract the desired boy. Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
What do you call a white man surrounded by many black men? A warden
Why do pencils shave? To look sharp
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you... ...I would start thinking about you
Isn't it amazing that your wallet is always so close to your ass...but somehow never smells bad?
4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: ... Go tell your father I said to come here.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
What planet is so big the entire universe can fit in? Ur Anus.
Why is it unjust to blame taxi drivers for cheating us? We call them to take us in. (From The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway. So this is a century old joke.)
TIFU with my girlfriend... ...She was on top
I just swallowed a whole box of scrabble pieces... My next shit could spell disaster
My wife is like listening to my favorite music with the volume up. Fucking the neighbour.
Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.
What's the difference between French women and an NHL hocky team? The hockey team showers after 3 periods.
What do you call a group of black people? Antique farm equipment.
HEROIC ACT - I stick my head under dressing room doors to tell people they look nice in whatever they are trying on.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay 100 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
1. Go to seminary. 2. Get degree. 3. ??? 4. Prophet.
What do you call a burning rocket? Korean Barbecue.
Why don't any pirates live in Kansas? Because they all live in *Ar*kansas.
"Look, daddy! I'm a doctor!" "Did you know that's the same doctor kit I played with as a ki... OMG YOU DIDN'T LICK ANY OF IT, DID YOU?"
Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.
What do you call a flying bagel? A plane bagel.
With all these new apple devices, what's gonna be next? The iPoor
German sausage jokes are the wurst ...
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that? Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
Getting caught dating someone underage isn't a big problem. It's a minor problem.
Walking into a fro-yo shop is probably what it's like walking into a Japanese girl's purse.
Yo momma's so fat She drives a spandex car.
Old Lady at the bank I work at a bank, and one time an old lady asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I like my showers like I like my women Hot, wet and finished in 20 minutes.
I made up a joke: What did the physicist say to the Jedi? The mass * acceleration is strong with you.
I hate when people ask me what I'm doing in five years... Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.
Guys whose fathers left when they were young always complain about how they never had someone to "teach them how to shave" but it's easy... You start at the ankle and work your way up!
Do you come from heaven? Did it hurt when you landed on your face?
How many cops does it take to screw in a light-bulb? None, they just beat up the room for being black.
Willie saw some dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite; Curiosity never pays: It rained Willie seven days.
Repairing Old Clothes by Fred Bare
One did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? The hallway stinks.
Why is a 12oz can of Coca-Cola more popular in St. Paul and Minneapolis than a 2 liter? Because it's a mini soda.
**What do you call it when an asian family has a feud** **LONG** division
A Roman walks into a bar and says "Hey Niko! It's your cousin Roman, let's go bowling."
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I like my shits like I like my Slavs Squatting.
I'm not that great at origami... I cut corners.
What did Judas say after capturing Jesus? Nailed it.
I want to learn the Finnish language. But I don't know where to start.
Do you know the difference between genius and  stupid? "Genius has its limits."
I always use a short cut when I'm going to knife fight a midget.
Pregnancy tests in movies are so weird... She hands him the test and he stands there holding this stick of pee like it isn't a stick of pee
Ann! do you remember me? We have so many memories together Ann: **SEGMENTATION FAULT**
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts "why do u hav to socialize" "why dont u stay in" "loser"
My problem with McDonalds is I can't go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can't fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Christmas is always awkward in Steve Harvey's house None of the presents have the correct names.
Q: What did the fisherman say to the card magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod!
The guy who stole my personal journal has died... My thoughts are with his family.
A bunch of white men came up with ways to solve institutional racism, and all without having to listen to even one black person. GREAT JOB!
every snail has a perfectly baked cinnamon bun inside its shell
Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering "Aren't you too pretty to be a Chancellor?"
What does a Scottish cat say? Mee yew!
I'm switching all of my clocks to a 24-hour format... ...making it much easier to wait til 5 o'clock to start drinking
Hey guys, what's the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?
A man hit's a woman with a car. Who's at fault ? the man, he should't have been driving in the kitchen.;3
I think my cat's a communist... He won't shut up about Mao
Shaving your head when you're going bald is the ultimate "You can't fire me, I quit."
I await the announcement that Trump's running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
*sees a truck* Nice. *sees a trucker* Oh, impressive. *sees a truckest* Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage.... So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
"this is your captain speaking. i bet you're reading this in a man's voice. well guess what! i'm a woman captain. women are captains too."
Teacher: What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm? Girl: Apollo neck jumpers ?
What do classical musicians write before going shopping? A Chopin Lizst (shopping list)
For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer...
Scientists have deciphered hieroglyphics thought to be 5,500 years old. The first full sentence says "This is a repost."
After placing me in charge of training new employees I can't help but question my companies' commitment to success.
People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text "LOL" should be punched in the neck. Your not fooling anybody. You weren't LOLing that long.
I'm not saying I've got a girl crush on you, I'm just saying lesbiadorable together.
My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen
Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers failed to show up to their concert last night. They're now known as the Red Hot Chili Flakes.
What do you call a cow that plays the guitar? A Moosician!
If you take the word "spatula" out of the dictionary it's just a list of things that aren't spatulas.
"This is BULLSHIT" - enthusiastic manure salesman
What is the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On Saint Patrick's Day everybody wants to be Irish.
A Man was Fishing in the Jungle After a while another angler came to join him. "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man. "Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."
To the person that stole my copy of Microsoft Office... I will find you. You have my Word.
I had sex with a prostitute last night... It turned out to be a rash decision.
Trying to think of a funny Good Friday joke, I really want to NAIL it.
Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda? Civic doody.
I repeatedly slapped my girlfriend as hard as I could at the concert last night. I was clapping for the band.
I just ran a .003048K
A crowd of theater fanatics walk into a bar. They go to the bartender and say, "One round please." "A round of what?" The bartender asks. "A round of *applause*!" They all scream in unison.
Me: But babe, my doctor said I can't have sex after giving birth. Babe: She's 11..
Two married man talking.. 1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel. 2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.
Compare to what Luke and Anakin had lost, Leia is considered lucky At least she still has the D
I'm really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him
Tasted the best Borscht ever! It'll be hard to beet.
There's nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their "whooo's a good dog" voice.
*brings knife to gunfight* *knife used to cut pizza* *pizza served & differences resolved* *last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Damn girl, are you a math book? Girl:No, why? Because you've got so many problems.
What is it called when foreign girls spread their legs? I call it the British open.
Masturbation is like procasination In the end you're just fucking yourself
What does a frying pan and anal sex have in common? They both brown your meat.
Do people who go to the gym to "feel the burn" know nothing of Mexican food?
Why can't meteorologists forecast the  weather?  -They are too busy studying comets and meteors
What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow balls.
I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago But it feels like it was just yesterday
When I punish my 16 I don't take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It's fun
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.
I asked a guy what his favorite movie was earlier today. And it was not Paul Blart: Mall Cop
So a guy walks into a bar... Ouch.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. ... .... It's a whisk I was willing to take.
[2048] President Khaleesi Smith decrees that the words of the Star Spangled Banner will be changed to "Land of the fleek & home of the bae"
Why did God create man first? So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.
Which presidential candidate does Tom Brady support? Whichever can reduce inflation.
Trump is ordering an investigation into his own claims of voter fraud Can he start with the frauds they keep putting in front of the voters?
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife's question: "how does my make-up look?"
Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd's asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.
Did you guys hear about them putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill? To bad it is only going to be worth $12 now.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
What do you do if you break your arm in two places? Don't go back to those two places.
An infectious disease enters a bar... The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here." It replies, "Well, your not a very good host." It isn't mine, my doctor told me this one
I think three movies is a bit much for the hobbit. Seems like they're really dragon it out.
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar... The bartender looks right at him and says, " Hey! Don't you go starting anything!"
I got a job at Apple today by answering just one question. The interviewer asked what my passion was and I said, 'tax laws'.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
I just typed "cupkale" instead of "cupcake" and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I'm starting my own Build-a-Bear type place except the kids make toys for other kids and it's in China.
Q: What did the judge say about the man shot twelve times by the police? A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever heard of.
Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..
What CS:GO hack do tumblr girls use? Trigger bot.
My friend doesn't like being called Squidward. He told me, "But I hate SpongeBob..." I said, "That's the spirit!"
"When no one else will f*ck you, I'm always there."  Life
Cannibals do not like to eat vaginas. .....Because it tastes like fish. ;-.&gt;
My girlfriend dumped me on a fishing trip. She left me reeling.
Why is Quicksilver so fast? Because he's Russian
Today I saw a guy on the street wearing a "Stop Snitching" shirt I asked him where he got it. he wouldnt tell me.
What do you call fireworks that don't work? Fireunemployed.
What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light? Neither, it's diarrhea. Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Is Rick Moranis dead? or just his career?
What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross Country.
What do women and dog-poop have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
What did the priest say to the altar boy who liked chickens Cock-a-diddle-you
Why did the eyeglasses model become a beekeeper? He heard that beauty was in the eyes of the bee holder.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sunday is an attractive person at the bar who turns out to be religious
Yo' momma so fat ... ... I pictured her in my head, and bitch broke my neck.
*throws back out* Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Who went into a witche's den and came out  alive ? The witch !
Black Jesus. Went to jail for you
What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake? Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork.
Happy New Year! Welcome to 20!
If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
Turns out, telemarketers don't like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.
Why do most men die before their wives? Because they want to
Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?
Jury remains deadlocked in the case of Good Times v. Bad Times
I think God is for the legalization of marijuana. After all, the Bible is full of people getting stoned.
What do you call the remnants of blown up cheese DeBrie!!
Did you hear about the guy who crashed his car into a tree? He wanted to see how much his Mercedes Benz
I just woke up from a 13month coma Just in time to see my wife give birth
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I don't like Holocaust jokes... I do Nazi why they're funny, Anne Frankly they're quite offensive. EDIT: a word
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I'm down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
A good name for a vintage store would be 'Pants Dead People Have Farted In'
Liar, Liar If the guy's pants are on fire, give him a fucking break about being a liar liar for a second. (via @WiseguyPictures)
The pope walks into a mosque The imam says "Hey, why the wrong faith?"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
Dad says to me, you'd be a great fisherman Because you check the net all the time
Well, if it doesn't include antidepressants, they shouldn't call it a Happy Meal.
I used to face my problems head on... ...now my forehead has bruises.
What did they call Hitler after he lost his hair? The Bald Eagle..... I'm here all day folks
Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking in tents!
"I'm still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it's convenient for me." - Idiots
[Every restaurant ever] Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?" Waiter: "Yes." Manager: "Go and ask him how his meal is."
Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged everyday
My then 7 yo son came up with this one. Warning: NSFL (I think. This is /r/Jokes, so...) Knock knock *Who's there?* Ala *Ala who?* Ala oo akbar!!! Bkhkhkhhhhhhhh!!! (explosion sound) :P
Noticed something between my grandma's boobs today. Her belly button.
Where does steel wool come from? Hydraulic rams.
Why does the boy could not bend his knees? because he had no knees
Roses are red violets are blue i have a gun get in the van
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor
Whats the difference between a Cat and a Compound Sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws, one has a pause at the end of its clause.
What's the best thing about an 8 year old in the shower?..... You can slick her hair back and make her look 6.
There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you.
There are three types of people in this world Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why don't tornadoes watch Bill O'Reilly on  FOXNEWS?  -It is a no spin zone
A woman is complaining to her neighbor: - My husband is 300% impotent. - A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%. - Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue.
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? To see the enemies.
Jesus take the veal I am vegetarian
Don't call me "Dad", please call me by my professional title, "Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist".
If I had no emotions, I don't know how I'd feel about it.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
How long is a Chinaman?
What do you call an all female traveling band Mobile broadband
Drunk girls really seem to enjoy dancing on top of things.
What is a Brazilians favorite Pokemon? Zikachu.
Barry decided that because he had talked himself out of suicide every other day, today he would do it. Poor fucker always did take opposite day a bit too seriously.
I love horror movies until it's time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The Pope and Raquel Welch are stranded on a life boat They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys"
What sound does a gun made from church seating make? Pew Pew.. Sorry. Just became a father 2 years ago. I have some catching up to do.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Her: how are you Me: good Her: you sure? Me: yup Her: you're alright? Me: yes.. Her: really? Me: Her: are y-- Me: people like you go missing
If I poured phenolphthalein on you it would turn pink. Because you a basic bitch.
Knock, Knock - Who's There? - Ach... Ach who - Bless you!
My grandpa has the heart of a lion, And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear!
The reason I don't like Facebook's "memories" feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Did you hear they're making an Indiana Jones 5? How can they do that?! They haven't released a fourth!
"This custard-filled donut will be bought... by a murderer!" -The Eclairvoyant
What is Moses's favorite beer? Busch Light.
Donald Trump has a new slogan that he hopes will help his numbers with African American voters. "Orange Is The New Black."
What's going be America's largest export once Trump gets elected? Americans.
[Ouija board] "Hey spirits, talk to us" W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E "fml"
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it's important.
I've just watched a distressing film on how African children have to walk up to ten miles to bring water to their village. I think it was far fetched.
What do they say about the noise at the  Burger Land Super Bowl? It's PAN-demonium!
My friend had a stroke and half his body went dead He's all right now.
Don't forget to use social media to say Happy Fathers Day to your father who doesn't use social media and won't see it
What do you call Hitler with a fin? Adolf-fin
I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. What high hopes you have !
I've done it! I've solved the question we have all asked since the dawn of time. Where do we go when we die? In the ground.
Change is inevitable... Unless you go to a vending machine.
Why does Jesus Jaywalk? Because he hates crosswalks
How To Impress Your Boss 1. Show up early. 2. Have all the tools you need. 3. Read the strategy guide. 4. Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes).
Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone.
Why is Peter Pan on the No-Fly list? Whenever he boards a plane it neverlands
Women are like buses... very few will let you come in through the back door.
They're making a Christmas edition of The Human Centipede It's called The Human Santapede
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank... First one says: I'll drive! Second one says: "I'll man the guns!"
What do you call the blood that comes out when teenagers cut themselves? Emoglobin.
What is Shia Labeouf's favourite genre of music? Jazz Duets.
I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind.. It came completely out of the green
A study has shown that women are better than men at driving in fog.. Well of course they are. They're not looking where they're going.
What do you call a veterinarian who's real good at poker? (first post) Ace of spays
What does one chauvinist say to the other? There's a thousand things I'd like to do in my life, and those are just the pretty ones!
Why does a man name his penis? Because he doesn't want a total stranger making 90% of his decisions.
Instagram would have been a good name for a weed delivery service
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist's window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Yo mamma Yo momma's so fat, her belt size is "Equator."
a Mexican, a German, a Muslim and a Chinese walked into a bar... can anyone finish this joke for me? went out with a group of friends, and this literally happened.
If you lose one senses, your other senses become stronger. That's why people without a sense of humour have such a high sense of self importance
why did the orange fail school? It couldn't concentrate.
The Whip was especially popular In the 1800's
What's the difference between a white orgy and a black orgy? Five black people having sex is only considered a threesome.
How much does it cost to buy multiple prosthetic limbs? An arm and a leg.
You can use your cat as a towel. There's no specific laws against it.
What did the rabbit say to the deer? What up doe
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it! Hahaha, get it? He fucking brews it
How many lonely guys does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he wishes it took two.
I figured it out. Renee Zellweger is stuck in the longest oncoming sneeze of all time.
My doctor told me to avoid trans fats. I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.
Congratulation on the new baby, from your family... except from me because I don't really care.
It's hard to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.
Ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? No? Well, they must be hiding pretty good
A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife... but a Tiger Wood
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost. Fasten your sheet belt.
My wife calls herself a trophy wife. I told her that's because I won the participation award.
I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.
What's Glenn's favorite fast food? Popeyes!
I hear voices in my head But I ignore them and carry on killing. (Sean Lock)
Q: What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"? A: FIRETRUCK.
I used to work at a muffler shop... That shit was exhausting. Then I got a job a vacuum store, but it sucked even more.
My doctor told me I suffer from Anorexia... ... like it's not enough that I'm fat.
One day my kid will ask me why he's half human and half final exam
Whats the funniest type of bird? Crows! they're the undisputed kings of CAW-Medy
You know the best part about dating a homeless chick? You can drop her off wherever.
When I get alzheimer's I'm going to watch The Sixth Sense like every day.
Q: How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding? A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.
Did you hear about the guy who kept shooting birds? He was charged with First Degree Burder.
Reddit Starts with an R and, Ends whit an E. right?
Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun?  -It burns too easily
A little girl comes home after school: "Mommy, mommy, someone at school called me a dumb bitch." "What does dumb mean ?"
I created a new word Plagiarism *just like 80% of the jokes on this page wink wink*
Scientists Have Isolated a Single Unit of Potato and Taught it to Use 4chan They've named the project Channing Tatum.
I got an anonymous letter today. Oh really - who was it from?!
My girlfriend left me for a midget the other day. This broke my heart  I couldn't believe she would stoop so low.
If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I'm sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.
My coworker broke his second windshield today. I offered him my apple... ...because windows keep crashing on him.
So I saw a black man running with a TV. Horrified I thought it was mine. But upon arrival home I saw mine was in its right place. Polishing my shoes.
How do you make sure man will never find something? Name it clit.
I've banged a lot of hoes and I'm planning on retiring. I heard the retirement homes have good pussy.
If you had $1 for every time you've masturbated What color would your Bugatti be?
Hi..You've reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Why did the farmer make a high-pitched gasp? Because he was tired of the sigh-low.
A slightly drunk woman. A slightly drunk woman watches tv and yells "Don't go there! Don't go to the church you dumb bitch!" Her husband asks "What are you watching?..."Our wedding video".
Why did the grocery delivery guy get fired? He drove people bananas!
yo mama so stupid..she sits on the t.v and  watches the couch
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they'd leave that one on too.
What happen if a bomb blasts in a bra or a man's underwear?
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Heart failure
I listened to my friend and bought an air filtration unit now it's just collecting dust in my basement.
I'm at my most spiderman when using a public restroom
what will i do when i have an out-of-body experience? i'll see myself out....
Did you hear about the movie based on an Australian dystopian future society? Apparently it's a cross between Idiocracy and Mad Max....it's called Bogan's Run...
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or people may think were nuts.
History Of The Hipster Culture That You Probably Never Heard Of, But Whatever #futurecollegeclass
On the baseball diamond, I'm like a T-Rex. I have a short arm.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Poop jokes aren't my absolute favorite kinds of jokes. But they're a solid #2.
Did you know Bruce Lee had a son other than Brandon? He was a famous vegetarian. His name was Brock.
I recently saw The VVitch and it was a very eye opening experience I had no idea Hilary Clinton had such a rough childhood.
C.R.E.A.M. Reddit Remix Cats rules everything around me/ CREAM get the kitty/ furry furry hair ball
I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" A kid meal is 250
I've never dumped a girl. I always lay them peacefully in a field to be discovered by school children
I recommend everyone to go swimming with piranhas. It's a once in a lifetime experience.
Share the most offensive and politically incorrect jokes you know.
How do you know Bernie Sanders got elected? All your stuff has been donated to charity
If i told you a joke about a woman who had wooden breast enlargements.. It would need a good punch line - wooden tit?
"Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope" is like the 7th Onion headline that's become real life in this election season
I went to see a palm reader. "Judging by your palms," he said, "I can tell that you masturbate frequently." "Sorry," I apologised, "I should probably wipe that off."
Three guys are drinking methanol. "Quickly, let's finish the bottle, it's getting dark already," one of them observes.
1938: "It's a bird!" "It's a plane!" "It's... Superman!" 2013: "Is that a drone?" "Yeah, it's probably a drone."
How's a Volvo just like a woman? The pussy is on the inside.
Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
I like my women how I like my light bulbs... Not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement.
What is the worst about having alzheimer's and dierrhea? You're running but don't know where to.
Pretty cool how there are athletes preparing to head to the Olympics in a little over a month and I just got winded making my bed.
I'm gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
It's Kim Kardashian's birthday. Which begs the question, "What do you get the person who does nothing?"
What do you call a lizard that can't get a boner? A reptile dysfunction
I was cooking a dish with onions in it and my friend cried. I only now realized recently that she wasn't raising that dog for food.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don't go to the gym often.
Q: Why are cows always broke? A: The farmers milk them dry.
Fastening a pendant around my son's neck before dying for him, "Keep this always. The audience won't recognize you as an adult without it"
What do you call a black man in space? Ummm......an astronaut.
I recently started remodeling my house and quickly got in over my head, so I decided to get some professional help. I also hired a contractor to work on my house.
I slept like a baby last night 2 hours of sleep and a whole lot of crying
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
This says it all... It all.
What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home? Mother's Day.
Developing an app that redirects you to twitter if you click on any other app on your phone cause obviously it was a mistake. You're welcome
What do you call a content vowel? A Cheerio.
Welcome to the Geology Department Have a gneiss day!
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Why did Blackbeard cross the road? To indicate where the treasure is buried.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If you have rectal cancer and it's treated with radiation therapy... Is that a Rem job?
Where do calculus students go when they are sick? To L'Hopital.
No. I'm not pregnant. That's my liver.
*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
Man walks into a bar... Ouch. Masochist walks into a bar...
What's a toads favorite drink? Croaka-cola
Why did Churchill always beat Hitler with scissors in rock, paper, scissors? Because he knew Hitler always threw paper.
Currently searching the want ads for a place that will pay a good salary for me to just curl up in a ball and give up.
What is a mother's favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.
Whats black and screams? Stevie wonder answering the iron!
Vaccines are an inside jab.
Why couldn't the fun guy go in the elevator? There wasn't mush-room.
A guy walks up to a white girl at Starbucks "Hey girl, Are you Sodium Oxide? Because you're so basic."
We don't talk about the Duggar family in our house anymore. The subject is a bit too touchy.
I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.
What are ducks' favorite drug? Quack.
A dyslexic man.. A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store? Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!
I broke my leg while visiting America At least I got a good taste of their hospitality.
You ever do one single chore and then ride that high for 10 years
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender. A neutrino walked into a bar.
What do you call a white girl with an ass? A honkey with a donk-ey
I'm so lazy, If autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I don't even bother sending the text.
What's more dangerous than a serial killer? A parallel killer.
I don't have a mental problem, I have mental problems...plural.
Did you hear about the single-engine plane that crashed into a Polish cemetary? So far, 400 bodies have been recovered.
Why did the chicken not cross the road? Because it would have been a fowl proceeding.
What do you call Gumby's sidekick in Jamaica? Pokemon
how do you call a white racist whitler
What has four legs and a cunt halfway up its back? A police horse
While it paints me to say this... I'm really not much of an artist.
I named my dick money... 'Cause women love to blow it
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE! ***sombrero **** ^sombrero who,,,? *****SOMBRERO-VER THE RAINBOW****
When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to bury me So they can let me down one last time
I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all "She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire"
I once saw a slice of toast in a zoo. It was bread in captivity.
Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there..
What does a good joke and a man who's dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common? A missed erection.
Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?
What does a duck always have behind him? His buttquack
I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges Turned out he was a privet investigator.
instead of taking anti-depressants I just think about how many different kinds of sandwiches there are
God: why don't we text anymore? Me: you know why God: I can't just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That's not how it works Me: k
What do you call the ticket to get into a giant space station shaped like a vagina? A cunt-astro-fee!
Q: What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot? A: A walkie-talkie.
[first date] GIRL: When you said "fitness freak" in your profile, this isn't what I expected HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo
My humor is so black... ...On a airport i got checked for Ebola 3 times
I just saw a girl pay for a drink. Is everyone okay?
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it's not enough to say "no." You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
"Boop" - Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
We will always be important enough to fit into someone's motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Q: When driving through fog what  should you use? A: Your car.
Women are like draino They will clean you out, but leave you feeling hollow inside
What do you call a dog with two vaginas? Snatches
I don't think I could be a mom. Listening to another person cry all night just seems awful & I wouldn't want to impose that on a baby.
I am voting for Donald Trump because he will personally end racism in America... Racism can't exist if everybody's white.
Virgin mobile employee asked when imma pay the bill and I said "I'll pay when Lebron's hairline stops receding." I got sent to collections.
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed clown on a tricycle? Attire
Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his teepee. -My Uber Driver
No lie: When the plane landed I had 9 texts and my 13yr old had 343.
I often say...... I often say to myself. "I cant believe that cloning machine worked"
What's green and has four wheels? A turtle. I was lying about the wheels
Made this up a few years ago listening to NPR What do you call music about climate change? An Al Gore-rhythm
the umami flavor derives its nam from the phenomnenom of when u taste som realy good soy sauce & it causes u to sassily shout "oo, mami!"
im dating: britney spears rn
THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?
Dear Dairy There sure are a lot of cows around here.
"Waiter ! Have you got frogs' legs ? "  "No sir I always walk this way"
Knock knock! (A joke from my 5 year old sister) Knock knock! Who's there? Boo Boo who? Don't cry it's only a joke! ...I got rekt
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent's funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
wife: Do you want a bowl? me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
What's a Republican's favorite number? "NEIN!"
Milky Way is Snicker's nut-less, gay little brother.
Two parallel lines match on tinder But they never meet.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name.
The person who discovered electricity... Must have been quite shocked!
Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'  Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I still enjoy sex at 40 I live at 44, so it's no distance.
15 + 18 = 10
What's the problem with auto-erotic asphyxia? You don't know if you're coming or going
If we took Korea's capital away ... They would be Seoulless
What's the difference between a strawberry and a pencil? One's a fruit, you idiot.
TIFU by clicking on a link that read "Click to see something unexpected!" Spanish Inquisition.
Yo mama so ugly She got fired from a blowjob
Grammar it is said by people that know grammar The shortest sentence in the English language is: I am, and the longest sentence is: I do.
What is Hillary Clinton's favorite arcade game? PAC-Man.
I have this reoccurring nightmare called a job.
What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script? Speechless
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Is it weird that Nirvana's In Utero album cover turns me on? No wait, it isn't In Utero. It's...Nevermind
lqod lu lls   I  lsn o  u  ppo I Read it upside down
A new study has found that if a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine per day it increases the chance of a stroke... if you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it too.
What do you call a mentally disabled firefighter? Flame retardant
I don't think none of Christopher Nolan's ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.
A man asks his wife "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?" The wife says "I don't like calling you when you're at work!"
McDonalds ...closing thigh gaps since 1967.
A hole in my heart... There's a hole in my heart ever since Macho Man Randy Savage died a hole that can only be filled if I snap into a slim Jim
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble... You have my Word
"Were any famous men born on your  birthday?" "No only little babies."
What is long, white, and very sticky? The coming of the Lord!
[Starwars] How can you tell Luke is Uncircumcised? Because he has Force Kin.
If Barry Allen had a restaurant what would it be called? Greased lightning?
Was your ass freed from enslavement? Because it's off the chain.
Why did Megan fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock Knock. Whose there?? Not Megan.
The gym called... He said he needed to be picked up
DID YOU KNOW? I am superior to all human beings -- except people.
Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better get glasses, and stop doing drugs
I've been told that red wine compliments a steak. But so far my glass hasn't said anything nice at all.
[murder scene] Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail SD2- Let's track him down *10 hours later* SD1-Damn that guy is fast
It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..
Someone told me I am bad at driving I told them that if they didn't like my driving, they should get off the sidewalk.
Me: Which cup do you want? 2-year-old: That one! Me: Let's pick a different one. 2-year-old: No! *drinks milk from a shot glass*
I have diarrhea and constipation at the same time... basically, I cant shit... A LOT!
What does Hodor start off his day with? Raisin' Bran.
Only Pools And Corpses A new sitcom starring Michael Barrymore and Demi Moore.
Few things look as optimistic as a dog butt trotting off into the distance
What do you call a panther and a ghost combined?
Fantasy: We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field. Her side is mined.
Don't mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months
Opportunity knocks once, however temptation likes to lean on the door bell.
What do old cars and dead chickens have in common? You'll usually get more money for them if you sell them for parts
How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent? It speaks in Polly-syllables!
How come Hitler never went to the movies? Because he could nazi!
Why are all early birds Catholics? Protestant birds don't really want a Diet of Worms.
I have six words for you.
Me: Do you have any mini-ipods in stock? Guy: what color? Me: Any color. Guy: We don't have any. You Sir, have achieved stupid greatness.
What cheese is the most religious? Swiss cheese! (it's the most hole-y)
I went to see a psychic today She said she was expecting me
I am 20, Male, Dyslexic and love cockporn with lots of butter of course!
I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".
Floyd Mayweather was asked about remarks made by critics on last night's fight. He said "I don't tend to read into things"
GIVE ME THE PUNS, ALL OF EM Hit me with your puns reddit
Why is being in the military like having sex? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
People are like onions... I always cry when I cut them up.
Is having a penis easy? Well it can be hard sometimes
What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite movie? It's Fucking Frozen!
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
Literature for the blind What did the blind man say when he picked up a cheese grater? This is the most violent story I've ever read!
What do boats and fourier transforms have in common? Both sinc when rect.
Did you hear about the woman who got Alzheimer's after removing her breasts? She lost her mammaries
My friend David got his id stolen... We call him Dav now!
Don't you hate it when... ....You're giving a handjob to another guy and he turns out to be a gay ass fagot.
I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.
Two fish are in a tank. After a while one of them asks the other "How do you drive this thing?"
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
So we can send men to the moon, but we can't get a button that let's us edit a typo on a tweet after its been sent?
Need your help. Give me some bear puns! or I will kill you with my BEAR hands
The Bra Joke A bra walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman says "I can't serve you, you're off your tits"
How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs? Don't worry, he'll tell you.
My father was from Iceland and my mother was from Cuba. I'm an Ice Cube.
What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.
What do you call a dark or melancholy verse of text? Poe-etry
What do you call a conversation about weed? A diskushion.
UK: We call it "Autumn", from the French word "Automne", and later, from the Latin "autumnus". USA: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
I live in the United States. Upon taking some classes in France I notice a gorgeous bombshell pass me. I check her out hard. I guess you could say I was really studying a broad.
"I don't want this holiday to end mummy!" "Don't worry Madeleine, it won't"
What's the worlds most forceful fig? The Fig Newton.
Why does Ellen Pao play so much tennis? Its the only place she can get love.
Ever open a drawer to get something, forget what it was, close the drawer and immediately remember, only to have to open the drawer again?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
I'm a dad. Here's my joke: Why would Bart Simpson never go to a pub? Because there's a BartEnder there.
I was going to tell a dick joke... But now I can't seem to 'member it.
Dogs can't operate an MRI. But cats can.
If you say "That reminds me of a good story," I automatically think "This story's gonna suck."
What do you call a homeless pigeon? A pigeon.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.. If you do find one... What's your plan?
Have you seen the movie "Constipation"? Of course you haven't.. it hasn't came out yet.
What is the national sport of North Korea? Ping-Pyong-yang
Where do Grammar Nazis get put on trial? You're*-emburg ^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^sorry... **Edit: obligatory second page post. Can't believe I'm on the second page!**
Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday. Everyone's invited. Except Harold. HE said I'd NEVER find true love.
What does a hoverboard and a fat girl have in common? Reddit gets mad when you call them that
What did the man at the gay bar say as another gentleman was leaving? Please allow me to push in your stool.
How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just wait for it to burn out and follow it around the country for 20 years.
I've come into a lot of money lately... It's a fetish I never knew I had until now.
What do you call a black man in a suit The accused
*goes to Australia *sees hot girl *asks if she wants to be my first mate *winks forever *gets punched down under
I've been developing a photographic memory.
Arabs are so rich..... They lit whole fkin hotel on fire to celebrate new year
The classiest knock knock joke in existence [Fixed] Two guys walk into a bar
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I'm depressive and suicidal, though I have great news! I have terminal cancer! :D
An Irishman meets a.... Latvian. No potato. Both die. Is end.
My friends dared me to take Viagra and a laxative at the same time. So I went and sat on the toilet and I couldn't tell if I was cumming or going.
So my buddy thought it'd be a good idea to get an inspirational tattoo on his forehead... Boy, was his face read.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing?? What about that really cool hashtag we made? They didn't free them when they saw it??
Why don't blind people bungee jump? It scares the shit out of the dogs
You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you're worthless.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
The doctor said I have only a month to live so I shot him. the judge gave me 50 years
When the TMNT Tell a Secret I wonder if when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tell a secret, they say Donatello anyone
Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Beiber was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.
People who like "The Bachelor" are like racists; you know they're out there, but you just hope your friends don't feel that way.
[lost in Spain] Wife: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias Wife: well? Me: we are in Spain
Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby? Because they always miss.
We were so satisfied with the year 2015 so we decided to hold out on 2016 and instead call it 2015*s+*
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler? A mustache
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.
Did you know the ninjas have gotten together and formed a union? They strike from the shadows.
What's Beethoven doing in his grave? He's decomposing.
why do asians have small boobs? Only A's are acceptable
What do you call a dog that goes through your stuff? Snoop dog.
[Pickup] got a dank sub woofer for $100 today whoops wrong sub
Why is the British weather like Islam? Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite
The ending of "Romeo and Juliet" is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.
Him: You smell good...what are you wearing? Me: Weed.
Some people are like pennies. Two-Faced And Worthless.
I've got a 100 question vocab quiz this friday on 9/11... Well I guess I'm gonna bomb it
If I had a dollar for every gender there is... I'd have two dollars.
How does a Jew make a cup of tea? Hebrews it
There once was a poet on Twitter who grew increasingly bitter. He couldn't surmount the strict character count and so his poems got even shi
Drunk dude A cop stops a dead drunk and asks "How high are you?" The drunk replies. "That is wrong English. You should say "Hi. How are you?'"
I've started a new religion based on the consumption of high-percentage alcohol. Its only downside is that I now miss a lot of work due to hangovers It's called absinthe-theism.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I'd have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?
I hate every child in a commercial.
I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet I know it's raining!
I figured out I'm autosapiosexual. I just came to this conclusion.
Big sunglasses are an ugly girl's best friend.
I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.
Ladies I'll drive you crazy with my tongue *Never shuts the hell up*
I wish my husband was as concerned with "preheating" me as he is with the oven...
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? Because she is too big for B-shells
My Gladiator DVD stopped working... Talk about an *epic* fail.
Just held the door for an Asian guy and he said "Sank you" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
me: wow a pegasus flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names me: oh whats yours flying horse: Pegasus 2
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers, and says "five beers, please" If you get it you get it
How many liberals does it take to defend America? Nobody knows, they've never tried.
I knew a guy who bowled a three hundred and one How do you bowl a 301? Do you know anyone who has bowled a 300 and lost?
When I was born, I was given a choice  a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose
My girlfriend dreamt that I slept with her friend... So I tried to reassure her. I said, "Baby. Please. That's crazy - I have never slept with your friend. Trust me, you've never even met the girl".
What do you call a smart Australian? A New Zealander
I get my best showering ideas when I'm writing jokes.
Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD. Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about? Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items! Blonde 1: What do you need to repair? Blonde 2: My DVD player
Men are like placemats.  They only show up when there's food on the table.
Some people can't stand being in a wheelchair
The Energizer Bunny was arrested today... He was charged with battery.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn't read that, you sang it.
What would Marilyn Monroe being doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Feminists can't change anything.
"Shit just got real." - God, creating the digestive system
3 dyslexic mods walk into a bra... [deteled]
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth "starting now?" yes "the judge looks like squints from the sandlot"
*you see a bear approaching* "quick play dead!" *bear runs up to you* "OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU"
Our youngest has finally graduated from baby bottles to 2-liters of soda.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I dreamed... I dreamed I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
Gay guys are fucking assholes.
Two blondes were walking in a park ...when one of them said: "Look, a dead bird!" The other one looked up in the sky and asked "where?"
How many college guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they prefer Natural Light
A man called Knock Knock knocks on a door: Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock. Knock who? Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock. Knock who? ...
im back with another knee slapper !! "i leterally did nazi see that coming! - an frank funny joke am i righte ??
Hey, are you the bottom of my laptop? Because you're really hot and it's making me nervous.
I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live He spends a lot of time on the dashboard.
Q: Why do pigs make good spies? A: They're excellent at going in-hog-nito.
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him? A: Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. But I can personally attest that after 9 days Olive Garden asks you to leave.
A scotsman goes to the dentist. Sits down on the seat and the dentist asks "Comfy?" The scotsman replies "Glasgow mate"
Knock Knock St. Patricks Day edition. Knock knock. Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you would open the door I'm freezing out here!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amsterdam ! Amsterdam who ? Amsterdam is like plum jam but made from hamsters !
Who came after Augustus? Septembrus
Why did the cave hate miners? They're always picking on him.
Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. ^^^nyuk, ^^^nyuk, ^^^nyuk
Looking for Texas? Drive east or west on Interstate 70 until you smell shit. Then go south till you run into it
Finally watching Michael Bay's TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling "How did you get this number?!?"
Mmmh, the wetness...don't stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers...I love the way you rub my head. --me, getting a shampoo at the salon
What does a successful rapping cow struggle with? Moo money moo problems
A man walks into a bar with a loaded gun "All right, anyone here that slept with my wife, please step forward. A man from the back of the bar shouts, "You don't have enough bullets!"
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
What's that joke that ends..."but you fuck 1 sheep..."
REALLY GOOD JOKE!!!! DON'T CLICK! NSFW Lemkie
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.
Updated list of teen cliques: aioli freaks, Comcastwitches, genderbloggers, Skin taggers, turkeysluts, bolognaboys, Tinyteens, lunch decoys
I have come up with a truly fantastic business idea for Malaysia Airlines. A new slogan! "Leaving on a jet plane, don't know if I'll be back again."
"This is where the magic happens." - Harry Potter walking into his bedroom and every other room on MTV Cribs.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesawus
My ex wife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
I was a virgin by choice until I was 25. Not my choice, mind you.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.
I went for my physical yesterday. Nurse came in the room and she said "I'm going to have to ask you to stop masturbating" I was like "What? Why!?" She said "because I'm trying to do your physical!"
I'd explain it to you again but I'm fresh out of crayons and puppets
A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her? It was a bright sunny day.
Cat places ad in the classifieds... "Seeking Pets".
If you're having bow problems I feel bad for you son. I dodged 99 arrows but my knee took one.
What happens when you place a black baby next to your ear... You can hear a future mixtape.
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours. On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I'm stalking her I can tell the cops she's a hooker.
Why can't short people cook? Because the steaks are too high.
Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It's a, "shit and run".
A joke for Europe A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab? A German.
Can you even work your smartphone? In what capacity?
I went to see my Coincidental Hygenist the other day. Turns out she was one of my friends from high school.
BF went to text me "almost there" It came out "almost dead" So hungover, I wrote back "thank god" And now he arrived and things are awkward
Question: Why do men always give their penis a name? Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them.
Marvel at this joke. What do you call an Asgardian instrument specialist with an attitude problem? A Thor Luthier.
"I see..." said the blind man as he pissed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."
Bernie Sanders only has one night stands It's totally not his choice, but women tend not to call back once they still Feel The Bern the next morning.
My teacher asked me to turn in my essay. Pero no soy un rata.
What is a Juanito? A little Juan
did you hear about the flaccid, chinese penis that ran for presidency? He didn't stand a chance in the erection.
I've got no beef with white wine.
For every player who credits God for the win, a player from the opposing team can logically blame God for the loss.
My sister asked me to take of her clothes too!! She's a quadriplegic, and is incapable of doing so by herself.
How many possibilities does a man with no arms and legs have? Limbitless
My wife said if I took one more picture of her she'd leave me. That's when I snapped.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks- ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back AT: You're expelled
What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAIIINSSS!
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
You're so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don't you.
What's brown and runs around your garden? Your fence.
What did Medusa call the sheep she turned to stone? Baaaaasalt
SpongeBob Wait, I just realised something. SpongeBob lives in bikini bottom, and he's absorbent: oh no...
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
What's big, white, and can't climb a tree? A refrigerator.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I`ll meet you at the corner.
It's 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I'm still writing 2014 on my checks.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty
There are 10 types of people 1. Those who understand binary 2. Those who don't 3. Those who sneak tertiary into their jokes
I was gonna go on a double date the other day... But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with me.
Why would you never want to go to a gay BBQ? Because the hotdogs taste like shit.
What's Mary short for? She's got little legs, I guess.
Games of thrones has more __ than a __ Incest, Redneck wedding Fill in the blanks with your best joke!
Is knowing of collapse of supermarket in Latvia? Is sad but now has five more potato for all of Latvia.
bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]
And The Bro saith unto them, Follow me to the club, and I will make you fishers of women. Bromans 4:19
Women are like hurricanes... They enter your life wet and wild, and they leave with your lawn furniture THAT WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH, YOU BITCH.
Why wasn't Hitler allowed at the barbeques? He always burned the Franks.
Hi welcome to Hollister, would you like a flashlight?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I'm not even Jaoquin.
What's 14 inches long and makes women scream at night? Crib death.
What two things do black people and flappy birds have in common? They both have massive lips and you can't buy them anymore!
What's the difference between finding $50 and anal sex? One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY
There was an indecisive buddha... ...his mantra was 'ummmm'
like people say things like 'tuna fish' but not 'duck bird' or 'dad father'
Frozen... Text Message from Wife: Windows frozen. Won't Open. Husband: Pour lukewarm water on window. Tap gently with hammer to free windows. Wife: Computer really messed up now. Nothing works.
If I got a dollar every time somebody called me a racist Black people would rob me
[ENEM] Complete: Hey ________ a) Jude b) I just met you c) There Delilah d) Soul sister e) Hey, you you, I don't like your girlfriend
What Do You See When Pillsbury Doughboy Bends Over? Donuts
I'm just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Where does light go to jail? prism
A thief tripped and fell into wet cement... He became a hardened criminal.
long joke incummin (LOL) what do christians and right wingers have in common they cant feel the bern
Which stretches further, skin or rubber? Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles.
I dreamt I was being chased by a bizarre sentence with two poorly distinguished clauses. So I made a mad dash for it.
ISIS "Preventing the theft of unattended baggage since 1989"
Know any jokes about sodium? Na.
several animals were harmed in the making of this film. a piece of shit horse nobody liked and a gecko that we straight up lost
What happened when Turkey was accused of being Chicken? It staged a coup
me *sees wife's cheesecake* future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door* me *already eating it*
How many Romans does it take to screw in a light bulb? V.
Finally I found out how hashtags work #hashtag # hashtags #work #how #found
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
If you're out and you see a donkey, say "hey, come here donkey." He might not come but if he does, free donkey
I think I will take my next drivers license picture drunk so I can say pshaw! I always look like that.
What do you call someone without a Liver? Deader.
"Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?" "Yes" "Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed"
"This ain't my first Romeo." -slutty Juliet
ME: someone stole my credit card number BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand? ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them
"27 Hilarious Ways You Know Journalism Is Dead" - Journalism
Why are all the users of Ashley Madison worried about their emails leaking? They will be millionaires when the Nigerian princes finish downloading the file.
Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he's solo.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No, neither have they.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
So a blind man walks into a bar... and a table, and a couple of chairs
HOW MANY BABIES DOES IT TAKE TO PAINT A WALL? Well, since 1 baby could paint 0 walls, it would take infinite babies to paint a wall.
Removing make-up or as I like to say, Resetting face to factory settings.
I worked at a restaurant It didn't pay much, but at least it put food on the table.
I just got a papercut... we'll just see if I recycle this week... stupid cunt tree.
Newspapers are missing the obvious headline for Target's Canadian stores closing down... TARGET MISSES THE MARK
You might be a redneck if... 1. You don't know the difference between your lawn and your driveway. 2. Watching Jerry Springer reminds you of your neighbors 3. Your family tree is a circle
Q: What did the carpenters call their brass quartet? A: The Tuba Four
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
What has 10 letters and starts with Gas? Automobile
Your mommas so fat When she goes to the movies she sits next to everybody.
I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?
Did you hear about Bill Cosby's new biography? Its called "The Coma Sutra".
Girl, are you my funny bone? Cause you're humerus.
Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity... No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.
Young Actor: Dad guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years. Father: Well keep at it son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part.
A Clown held the door open for me today It was a nice jester
If you're gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don't get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.
How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 19 . Got a problem with that?
Shitty one-liner: Giiirl, you can call me Saturday-Sunday, cuz I'm all you're gonna be doin' this weekend. Is this a thing? It feels like it has to have been a thing and I just forgot where.
What do you call a fat chemistry professor? A significant figure.
Where does Kylie buy her kebabs? From Jason's Doner Van. (Sorry, I'm guessing this one's only for the Aussies and Brits)
smokers have a greater risk of heart disease, stroke and hard-to-hear outdoor phone conversations.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics? DAD: Wouldn't be fair SON: Why not? DAD: [hand on son's shoulder] Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb? Six-1 to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.
How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married? There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing* Me: You really need to hurry up  we're going to be late. *Child starts singing faster*
Did you see the video of the woman on her period with a yeast infection? It was bloodcurdling.
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
You hear that asshole talking shit behind my back? I farted.
What do people drink at Club Obi-Wan? Qui-Gon Gin.
To the guy that invented the number zero Thanks for nothing.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. . A good example: "I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...
[home depot] ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock HER: Boulder ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
"I hate confrontation" "No, you don't"
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I'd be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender Me: Wouldn't you rather have your life together?
[Getting waterboarded] "Um, sir the subject isn't responding to interrogation, he's just getting bigger" [Me, a sponge] "MwahahaHAHAHAA"
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna ride bikes?!
[god to lions] You will be the symbol of power and prestige [sees the crickets] Ew. Uh...you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs
What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it? H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.
A man buys shares from the stock market. But he never shared any of it.
What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas? Gloves. Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Her: I like smart guys Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase
A child asked me where babies come from. I said,"Like every other man, in Vegas after a night of drinking and clubbing."
[hs reunion] JANE: i'm an engineer TOM: i'm a real estate developer AMY: i'm a lawyer *everyone looks at me* ME: *panics* i'm a hospital
If at first you don't succeed....
Did you hear about the chicken who liked classical music? I swear it was all he talked about. He would go on and on. "Bach, Bach, Bach"!
My doctor told me I have type-a blood. Apparently it was a type-o!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Now that pinterest, instagram and netflix are down, I think I'm just going to spend the weekend learning the names of my children.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
What do you call a mad lunch? Hater-tots
An Australian man walked in on his girlfriend getting changed and she said "Have you heard of knocking?" He said "It doesn't ring a bell"
I hit every traffic light coming home from work today. I should probably learn how to drive better.
Jokes about white sugar are rare... but brown sugar, Demerara.
How do you know if somebody graduated from Harvard? They'll tell you.
Tifu by farting in my girlfriend's face It was a shitty thing to do.
Three Jews walk into a bar Mitzvah.
A man walks into a bar... His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.
Sometimes I like to repost my statuses that didn't get any "Likes"... because they deserve a second chance too.
I'm not racist... I own a color tv!
Doctor: Well ma'am looks like you're pregnant. Woman: I'm pregnant? Doctor: No it just looks like you are.
How did Canada get its name? They picked random letters out of a hat. C.... eh? N... eh? D....eh?
If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don't wear hats.
Did you hear about the group of Warriors eating Caviar? They Choked
*runs into long lost friend* Him- I started out on the bottom now I'm a district MGR. what do you do? Me- I disappoint people
What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving ? A road hog !
How many honest intelligent caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
Apocalypse cheese I bought some apocalypse cheese. It said best before the end.
What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
What was early man's best friend? Primates
What kind of a fish do you always find on a beach? A dead one... 
Rapture's tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus. Two words: DUCK HUNT
Bart Simpson's chalkboard was the original twitter.
How do you cut pizza? With Little Ceasar's.
What type of car would the Hamburglar drive? A Hamburghini.
Love is energy over time Because Watt is love?
What do you call it when the girl you like likes you back? Imagination
What do you call? What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts What do you call nuts on a chin? A dick in the mouth
A doctor says to his patient, "I have good new and bad news..." Patient: "I'd like the good news first" Doctor : "Well, you're going to have a disease named after you..."
My husband says shaving his legs gives him an advantage when cycling, but I don't get how the high heels and pantyhose help.
Why do most French recipes require only one egg? In France, one egg is *un oeuf*
Where do Muslims go after they die? Everywhere
If Hillary and Donald Trump are on a boat together and it crashes, who survives? America.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I'm so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it's my husband.
Whats the difference between a zombie and baby? A zombie may eat your brains, but a baby kills your dreams.
I used to make a living crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake? Yolko Oh-no
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station Detectives have nothing to go on.
A sandwich walks into a bar The bartender stares at it blankly and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food."
What is a homeless man's favorite type of music? House music
An Irishman Walks Out Of A Bar
What is The Rock going to name his Daughter? Pebbles!
What do you say to a person who calls a black fence a gate? No, a fence.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
What did the great Ape say as he plummeted from the skyscraper? Listen baby I think I'm falling for you!
I have no use for this *tosses dictionary out of glass square thing which you can see outside through*
Haters gonna hate. Procrastinaters gonna ... get back to you on that tomorrow...
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.
Did you hear about the geometry teacher who tried to take a selfie? It was a protracted process but eventually he found the right angle.
When you talk about IP addresses of an iPad Do you call it iPaddress?
What does a chef call an undercover cop? Pig in a blanket.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi. For instance if they use an egg, they're probably a chicken.
You could've told me that wasn't your real name before I got the tattoo.
What do you call a fly that literally can't even?
I told you to act natural while I paint. Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table? - DaVinci
I don't care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I'm more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
What's red and is bad for your teeth? A Brick.
So a muslim guy walks into a bar.. Orders a drink, quietly enjoys it and then leaves. What? Were you expecting a more explosive punch line?
What is a big dinner for a cannibal? A three-corpse meal.
Hey Shakespeare, are you writing your next play in pentameter? Iamb.
Kinda bored. Might shake things up by believing in Santa again.
I recently met an indian baker who claimed to be socially rebellious He called himself a Naan-Conformist.
[aquarium exit] Excuse me ma'am, would you mind opening your bag? I beg your pardon?! OPEN YOUR BAG *opens bag and reveals two penguins*
The TSA was like "Damn how did you get out of Iraq?" Iran
@NBCSports thank you for making the sports
I asked my doctor where i should put my pants "Next to mine" was not the answer i was looking for.
There are 10 Types of People in the World... Those that understand binary...and those that don't.
What do you call a skeleton that been in the snow all night A numbscull
Justin Bieber roast during commercials Holy s**t balls.. what a roast so far. Who else is watching and laughing their a$$ off? Turns out Martha Stewart is a boss
You know who else has a naughty list? HR
Blind date I went on a blind date with this girl to a bar and as soon as I saw her I knew what I was going to drink. She ordered juice, I ordered coffee to go.
It's easy to be with my family because we have so much in common. Like, we all love to look at our phones!!
Iron Man is a super hero... Iron woman is a command.
I'd have sex with you but I'm married... and she's staring at us right now... quick she looked away!
Muslims are so open minded when it comes to politics They believe in the separation of church and state !
If you have sex with a prostitute... ...against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
A study found that being cool in HS does not lead to being successful. The study was conducted by Moms who mean well but aren't helping.
Yelp Review: Babies Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
*sits gf down* i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok... *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
What's a crackhead with no drugs? Crack-a-lacking
i like the viagra ad where the guy is on some crabbing boat in the middle of the bering sea, thinking about how he can't get hard anymore
What's the difference between a dead baby and a watermelon? Well the first noticeable difference is that the watermelon tastes better.
A bodybuilder asks a doctor for a pill that will enhance his muscles and increase the size of his penis and tan his skin Here, I'll prescribe you some testostyrone
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood
Most of my family has diarrhea it runs in our jeans
I think there are female hormones in beer Because, if you start drinking to much you start to get fat and you lose the ability to drive.
My wife recently broke up with me because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn't use any protection... I'm worried we might have twins.
I call my nephews "Dude" and "Homie" because I'm the cool Aunt! (I don't know their names.)
Hooker to customer: "I will do anything for you for $500". Customer says incredulously: "ANYTHING?" Hooker: "Sure" Customer: "Meet me at my house on Friday, I want you to -" "paint my house."
Yo mamma's so old that... ...back in her day, old spice was just called spice!
They say two heads are better than one... men are the exception
What do bulls do for fun? Play with others.
What's E.T. short for? ... Cuz he's got little legs
What are the best kinds of speedbumps? Orphan shaped ones.
Kid 1: I'm bored Kid 2: me too Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Life After Death Hey grandma, do you think that life after death will be beautiful? Grandma: Well that depends, who died?
I ate five cans of alphabet soup..... I had the biggest vowel movement of my life.
"My Cocaine" How Michael Caine says his name...
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Cause he can't do stand-up.
Good cop: We got you red-handed! Weatherman cop: Well there's a 70% chance of guilt but I'd go ahead and make weekend plans
Could someone help me decide what's more two faced... Hillary Clinton or the coin
Knock Knock Kid: knock knock Dad: Who's there? Kid: Hatch Dad: Hatch who? Kid: Bless You.
6.8 billion people in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich.
What happens to a jew when he runs into a wall with an erection? He breaks his nose
When Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend Block You It,s Called An E-DIVORCE :D
The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!
What's the difference between 9/11 and a computer? I give a shit when my computer crashes
When someone says "surprise me", I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
What's a nerdy way of saying a bad word? A canine with two X chromosomes.
I was casually swimming with a great white shark today. Until he bit my whole arm off.
I hate when I'm cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I'm just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
Yo Mama so ugly, she has to use prescription make-up!
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting* Obama: Joe? Biden: AARRGHHH *Gore kicks door down* Gore: MANBEARPIG
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 raped snow white
Before the invention of the Internet, primitive humans had to Google stuff by waterboarding a librarian.
What do you call a barking dog riding the subway? a sub-woofer!!!
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? apparently not 3, because my basement is still dark.
[1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Why does everybody like the mushroom? Because he's a fun guy.
How do you get alot of people to check out your post? Tag it NSFW and repost it
Mondays are made for booze & antidepressants...ah hell, I'll just skip to the booze.
So it turns out I'm incapable of describing my feelings. Can't say I'm surprised...
[lookin in bushes for our baby] me: where the hell can he be? dog: roof roof roof me: will you shut up [baby waves at the dog from the roof]
I ran over a child who was on his way to band practice carrying his cymbals. I'll never forget that horrible sound as I rolled past his motionless corpse. Ba dum tiss
Let's play a game called Fuck Off You go first
[in basement lab] wife: you cant just make your own honey me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[mastercard commercial] "there are some things that money can't buy" politician: i don't get it
People call me lazy because I sleep 13 hours a day But to be fair, Jesus slept for three days straight and that started a religion.
Sick of tweeting. Switching to faxing. What's everybody's fax numbers?
In the South, everyone is treated like family I guess that explains the rape
*sees guy ordering pizza* "With onion" (Ok) "Sausage" (Nice) "Mushroom" (Hell yea) "Chk" (Plz) "Meatballs" (Why) "Anchovies" (Ur dead to me)
So my pregnant wife wanted to introduce toys in the bedroom... I suggested a clothes hangar
What's the best name for a male dildo-maker? [NSFW] Dick Smith.
A constipated woman once went 45 days without pooping It was a crowning achievement
It took me a long time to figure out how one could like EDM music. I didn't think Electrical Discharge Machining could even make music.
I usually hate having long hair But I think it's growing on me.
Remember that guy that told us that he had no asshole? I think he's full of shit.
The dinner I ate last night is going to give my grandchildren diabetes.
I told my wife I love her like a Brit loves soccer... She looked worried and said, "So you're going to get drunk and yell at me?" EDIT: correcting auto-correct.
{Police Job Interview} Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten. Recruit: Why kill a kitten? Captain: You're hired.
Religious differences Judge asks one young couple: The reason of your divorce? Wife: Religious differences! My husband did not recognize that I goddess.
Got into a car accident with a mobile library before. I'm perfectly fine, but the police really threw the book at me.
I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
What do you call a bunch of white guys and a one black man Court
which power ranger is racist? the WHITE POWER ranger
I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.
*a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun* "THIS IS A STICK UP" *everyone laughs* "GUYS IM SERIOUS" *more laughter* "DAMN IT" *leaves*
Why is Hannibal so rich? Well, he save on groceries.
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang Rape.
[bedtime] brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US me: SLEEP brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn't you? 2: I'm too busy.
North Koreans are huge Dark Souls fans They spend all their time praisin' the son.
When everyone around you has their phone out... I guess you could say... you're in a phony world... I am so sorry guys.
What Did H Say 2 O? Water you doing?
I just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
A Scotsman walks into a bar.. Normally there is a Welshman, Irishman and Englishman, but they're all in Marseille at the Euro's.
What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go into a store without robin.
When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.
A person's tongue immediately becomes a toothbrush after you mention "teeth" in a conversation.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap... The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".
There was a counter top on layaway at Home Depot. They said it was for the Packers' punt returner, Hyde. It was for Micah.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
How did michael hutchence take his drugs? Inxs
When I use my grandmother's cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she's way, way up there repairing the space station
No power. Mitt Romney : "8 Million Americans still have no power." Obama: "8 Million and one."
Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise? Because the captain stood on the deck.
My son wants to dress as a Catholic Priest for Halloween... Well, he can go fuck himself.
My mom saw me crying in my room and asked what's wrong. I told her I feel like I didn't exist. She told me I do exist because im a pain in the ass.
What do you call a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, Chris Brown doesn't want you getting involved in his personal life
What has 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
Can I list french fries as my significant other?
My wife slammed her fist on the table and shouted... "Why must you question everything I say!?" ..."Everything?" I replied
Where does the three legged horse live? The unstable
How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish? Clickbait.
I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs! Very Little Courtesy of Jimmy Carr
I adopted a rock. He just sits there and does nothing all day. It still beats raising Kylo.
i work in the elevator business. It has it's ups and downs.
How's anal like your first car? (x-post from r/funny) You don't really want it, but your dad gives it to you anyways. (From Dark Humor on FB)
Just learned that New York's state bird is a guy apologizing for being late because of the trains while holding a brand new coffee.
The only way that Mexico will build and pay for the wall... ..is after Trump runs the economy into the ground and Mexico has to keep the illegal job-seeking Americans out.
It takes two who know how to tango to tango.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was out standing in his field....
So... I hear Bono's door fell off his plane yesterday... I guess he doesn't like unexpected things happening to HIS property without his knowledge, either.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
I used to be impatient.... ... I just don't have the time anymore.
What do you call a Jewish minister that barbecues? A Ribeye.
A woman says to her cat "Go and make me a sandwich" The cat says "Me? how?"
Me have great grammar... Me learnt everything I know from Sesame Street!
My life coach told me I was going to be traded at the end of the year.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal? A polar bear
Quick Snowden Transition into a woman
My WWII joke is quite predictable How did Jew Nazi that coming?
It can not get any worser. So I thought but as it seems I have really weak imagination.
What's the difference between a lobster and an oriental woman run over by a steamroller? One's a crustacean and the other a crushed Asian.
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted
the times they are indeed a changin..but the one time thatll never change is Lunch time. lock them engagements in if you think this is good.
What is this superb owl of which you speak?
Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh doctor my  girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in say three  or four weeks' time?
"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory." "You couldn't park anywhere *near* the place!" -Steven Wright
*bursts into English convention* GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE *crickets* Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
What kind of tree grows in your hand? A palm tree.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Hear the one about the deaf man who went fishing? Neither did he.
Where do dead people buy their cigarettes? At the coroner store.
How do you make a dead baby float? Root beer and two scoops of dead baby.
MAN: See my tattoo? It says "Only God can judge me." GOD: That shirt with those pants?
Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film "The Birds?" It's about Angry Birds.
I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop by Willy Makit illustrated by Betty Wont
First guy to invent a bread bowl was like "I'm gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it"
My memory is flawless But my ability to recall is not great
If Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God... Did Mary have a little lamb?
When I move, I don't pack my belongings. Because I live my life outside of the box.
Beer - tastes like I have friends Title.
What is a banged-up used car? A car in first-crash condition.
#NAME?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It's nothing, I'll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
What did the yoga teacher say when someone asked if she wanted to leave the party early? Namaste
I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A RIP OFF!!!
The playwright wanted to make a play using only particles made from 2 quarks each. It was his meson scene.
Have you heard the one about the dog on the roof? You wouldn't get it, it's over your head.
I wish that my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I like my women like I like my whiskey... Light brown, from the south, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.
What will fall on the lawn first? An  autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?
Boss: Where were you born? Santa : India. Boss: which part? Santa : What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Korea's missiles can't reach that far.
I watched the movie San Andreas today and I really enjoyed it Despite its faults.
Just bought a book "Jokes about Captain Obvious". It's full of Captain Obvious jokes.
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
"The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor" - inventor of carpet toliet seat covers
What did the detective particle say to the suspect particle? I got my ion you.
Why did the octopus blush? He saw the bottom of the ocean
What kinda vegetables like to party? Lettuce turnip da beet!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black. *drops mic, gets beat by security*
I wonder what the chimpanzee who will one day feast on your eyes and fingers is doing today.
So i found a new clickbait technique. So did you.
"WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES" - Worms
I don't understand why I keep getting denied for bank loans because I have good credit & I'm only asking to borrow like four or five banks.
Why did the man commit suicide by helium suffocation? He wanted to go out on a high note.
What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hotdog? he relished it
What do you call a homeless guy who broke up with his girlfriend a while ago? A man who hasn't eaten in days.
I heard Bill Cosby made a SexTape. . . It's twice as strong as Duct Tape.
I submitted X puns to Reddit in the hopes that one would make the front page. No pun in ten did.
The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. But she has already changed her mind.
Everyone one knows Nissan's Motorsport brand, NISMO.... But most forget Honda's brand, HOMO...it's pretty gay if you ask me...
Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas
I notice you only call when you want something Person calling: ma'am your bill is 90 days past due
Remember when we were all like "FACEBOOK MOVIE WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?!'
What type of dog suffers from being inbred? A hotdog
Did the Deer have any doe? he had 2 Bucks
I just broke up with my girlfriend. It's okay though she said we could still be cousins!
Why did they hire the police department to design a new superconductor? "STOP RESISTING!!!"
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors, they would be called chicken sedans...
BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot-- LAWYER: *plays dead* BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go
My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.
Read more Accountant jokes
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear? Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent
I don't care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj. I'll still suck her c**k anytime.
I just ate an entire bag of Werther's and now I'm 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.
How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish? One testtickle
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens.
I'm here to write an article about procrastination Actually I'll do it later remind me
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a  violin? A: It is usually still in the case.
So a man says to a woman, can I smell your vagina? Horrified, she slaps him and screams "NO"! He rubs his cheek and says, "I guess it must be your feet then."
/r/News Pyongyang FIFY
Bieber enacts law in Arizona that requires Iron Man to clean up oil spill using an iPad. #help #allmynewscomesfromtwitter
What's black, white and red all over? South Africa
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny's ears then broke off its head. I'm sleeping with the lights on.
A magician walks down the street and turns into a bar. Voila!
Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down the chimney.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS] GOD: a rat dog ANGEL: check GOD: that whispers to white people ANGEL: what? GOD: about the weather ANGEL:
Why can't a blonde count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Which side of the goose has the most feathers? The outside
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Put me in your bio so I know it's real... Just kidding, I'd rather be in your will.
A couple are having trouble with their marriage... Wife: We used to have something special Jon! Something rare and precious! What happened to that? Husband: You spent it all dear.
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this  test! Teacher: I agree but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
What did the vet say about the maimed donkey? Wow, that ass sure took a pounding
What do we want? HEARING AIDS! When do we want them? WHAT?!
I saw a sign on the highway that read "End Road Construction." And I was like, shit, the anti-road construction people are getting vocal.
These twins I knew in high school both got mono... They got stereo
Statistically... 9/10 people enjoy gang rape
What Is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One is white, made of plastic, and very dangerous if left around small children. The other is a plastic bag.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there? ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down? COP: I'm listening
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they're part of a conspiracy.
What do you call a dog in a submarine? A subwoofer
Wife: I'm making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want? Me: Bacon. Wife: And? Me: *blank stare* Wife: AND? Me: A napkin?
Why do they call it Black Friday? Because it's the only day blacks can afford to go shopping
After many years of studying at a university, I've finally become a PhD... or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
What is an Irish 7 course meal? A six pack and a potato
What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers? Putin on the Ritz~
I think my glasses make me look ugly... and so do my contacts
With great power comes huge electricity bill
My niece was in the hospital getting treatment for leukemia. She asked me if I'd visit her when she got out. I said "Nah, I really hate cemeteries."
TIL the Hindenburg fire wasn't caused by excess heat After all, it's not the heat, it's the humanity.
How can you tell when someone is vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads...Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Shoutout to grandpa... That's the only way he can hear.
Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop.
What's Donald Trumps favorite Pink Floyd album The wall
A man goes to the Doctor for a physical. The doctor says, "I'm sorry but you are going to need to stop masturbating." "Why?" the man asks. The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Headline: "Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey" My 1st thought was, "Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo." I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he wants. The horse unable to understand english, shits on the floor and leaves
[robbing Whole Foods] "All the cash in a bag NOW!" 100% organic reusable bag ok? "Yes!" [puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Lifeguard 1: How was your day? Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake 1: How is that sad? 2: He could bearly swim! 1:.. 2: He ate 3 campers
Hub: You ready to go? Me: In a minute, I'm beating the kids. [Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My cell phone battery dies quicker than a mother in a Disney movie
What words men never want to hear during sex? Hi honey, I'm home.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ? A dollar.
Just picked up a Where's Waldo audiobook: "Not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo"
What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night ? Russell !
*slips into milk bath* *starts drinking*
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
When someone you don't like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
What did dracula say to his girlfriend when she asked about sex? "I only do oral once a month"
Grenade in a french bathroom What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a french bathroom? Linoleum Blown Apart
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership ? Cold Trafford !
Humans: we're not like snakes Also Humans: mmmm eggs
"Taxi" A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
I used to work at the factory that made fire hydrants. Couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I just got a great new lab coat! The meat was pretty good too.
I was trying to make my own joke on Mexicans... But everything I came up with was borderline childish.
How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? Yes.
A random Aussie called me a cunt. I guess we are like best friends now.
It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
That moment when your crush is absent, and you wasted your time going to school.
What did the mother tomato tell the baby tomato when the baby tomato was walking too slow? Honey, walk faster, KETCHUP!
Why do Chinese tourists get disappointed when they visit America? Because when they buy souvenirs they find out they were made in China.
When is it too cold to build a snowman? When the frostbite is worse then the frostbark.
What do Jewish pedophiles say? "Hey kid, want to buy some candy?"
What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings???? -a duck
Dove: Dad, what's my name mean? Me: It's the symbol for love Swallow: What about mine? Me: Umm, true love.
Why do Jew like to watch porn in reverse? They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
my Playstation got stolen... i have no one to console me.
There are tons of girls in my software engineering class... ...just not very many of them.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican train bandit? He had locomotives.
Once you've seen one shopping center... you've seen the mall
Earth has billions of inhabitants, while Uranus has only one.... My dick.
Best time to go to the dentist? tooth hurty
What were the 2 doctors who worked with Schrodinger called? A *paradox.*
My brother, Max, asked me to come up with a nickname for him. Now we just call him Maxx.
I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall *Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands *packs for wall 3 feet away *has an amazing time at wall
"Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna see grandma!" "Shut up and keep digging!"
Relationship advice: Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey." The horse says "You read my mind buddy."
Hey baby, you must be from Ireland because when I look at you, my penis is Dublin
It's hard to find true love these days. Even Charles Manson's fiance wanted him for his body.
A student staring off in class... The teacher said to the student "starring off into space never got anyone far in life." The student quipped "That's what they told Galileo."
A sadist met a masochist... and said "hurt me" "No" said the sadist.
Here, have my marionette set. "Cool. How much for it?" Just take it "For free? What's the catch?" No strings attached. "You son of a bit.."
What do you call a loud group of Cowboys? A Reckon-ing.
Can't trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
A Prostitute offered me holy water the other day... Still not sure what hole it came from.
I went on a date last night!nIt went really well...up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
For my birthday, I got a Rolex from my lesbian neighbor. I think she misunderstood me when I told her I wanna watch.
My friend Mahmoud bombed his physics final. At least he didn't fail.
I recently got addicted to this new only chicken diet Guess I'll have to go cold turkey if I want to stop.
Mexican Magician There was a Mexican Magician standing on the stage. He said, "On the count of three, I will make myself disappear!" "Uno!" "Dos!" POOF! He disappeared without a tres!
Guess what? Good guess
Why did the president start the bar fight? So he could pass the bill.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary] Narrator: ...the mink, a close relative of the weasel Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
White people are only thinking about one of 5 things at any given moment: 1. skiing 2. sadness 3. edamame 4. revenge 5. Greek yogurt.
Did you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? (OC) His material is terrible, but his delivery is amazing!
The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
[at stadium with child] Me: That is batball. [at the races] Me: That is horse circles. [at the opera] Me: This is horned yodeling.
What would martin Luther king be if he was white? Alive.
Definition of Divorce: The future tense of  marriage.
Nobody's gonna believe this, but I just saw a 20 something year old white girl without bangs.
Why are magicians always sad? Because everything they have disappears
'Pardon my French' -People who you would never pardon and who don't know any French
Bees aren't disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Depends on what tune the Devil happens to be playing. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha.
"Is my butt is too big?" my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.
[NSFW] Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks
Damn girl, are you damn girl? Because damn girl
Why do inquisitive peppers annoy people? Because they get jalapeno business.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a "cornbed" so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
What the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus The picture only takes one nail to hang.
The picture heading read "Panorama!" I thought it said "Paranormal" I wasted hours staring at these elongated images looking for ghosts.
What did earth say to the other planet? "You guys have no life!"
Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years? iDoubtit
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Why did the Trump campaign order its followers to destroy all fax machines? They thought it was spelled "facts."
Why did Hitler always win at limbo? Because no one else could stoop any lower.
An African, an Asian, and an Eskimo walk into a deez. Deez nuts.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can't roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won't open, and now his siren is blaring.
Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.
How much toilet paper do people use on a daily basis? A shit ton.
What's the worst thing about challenging an unjust law? Failing to get away.
Accuracy ##You miss 100% of the shits you don't take. Made this typo and thought it was hilarious...
Where do bears store their military weapons? In bearracks.
Paid a visit to 'www.conjunctivitis.com' earlier... Believe me, it's a site for sore eyes.
I like drawing frat boys on passed out dicks.
That ONE time In class you raise your hand, and some motherfucker screams out the answer.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
Why does Popeye have such huge forearms? Olive Oil is a virgin
i said no to the dress & now my familys being held against their will in an undisclosed location theyve already sent me two of my son's toes
Is it really 2016? I mean Tarzan is playing in theaters, Pokemon is a craze, and a Clinton is running for President of the United States.
What do geological plates and dinner plates have in common? They're both pieces of china.
The best things in life require no pants.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Wanna hear a cheesy conspiracy? Halluminati
Have you heard of the new movie "constipation"? It hasn't came out yet
What do you call a middle eastern man with a bounty on his head? A towel head.
"Snitches get stitches" Cute little rhyme.. However I believe, "Snitches never wake up again" is more likely to deter snitching...
I like my women the way I like my coffee Tied up in a burlap sack and slung over the back of Juan Valdez's mule.
I got a Jury Summons today, I'm sending them my Twitter profile to get out of it. Fingers crossed.
#HowToGetABlackGirl Tell her she look like Rihanna even tho she look like whoopi goldberg in the color purple
Why don't midgets smoke weed? Because they can't get high.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for? A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'
What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman.
Why did the Golfer feel aladeen about his socks ? He had a hole in one.
whats a Mexicans favorite video game? Borderlands
Red light : Stop Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
This crunchy cat food tastes a lot like I just poured from the wrong packet into my cereal bowl.
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work* Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If I'm ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Totally blasting Billy Joel out of my minivan. I'm like sex on wheels right now.
Marijuana was a big problem in Auschwitz. Jews would go there just to get baked.
Bill Clinton has been battling the same illness for 17 years. Pneumonica.
Wes Craven died? Well that sucks, I sure wes craven another scary movie...
Oral can make your whole day Anal can make your hole weak.
What do you call Nazis from San Francisco? Bay Aryans
What do you call a group of militant feminists? A Militia Etheridge
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never paid to see a lentil.
Oh, you're an early riser? Yes. Have kids? No. A farm? No. Insomnia? No. Medical condition? No. Psycho.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled "shoo", but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Did you hear about the physics student that committed suicide by jumping off a skyscraper? What a shame. He had so much potential.
I tried to catch fog once... I mist
I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.
How can you spot a Canadian They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM
40% of divorces stem from $ issues. 40% are caused by infidelity. The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
My friend accidentally shot off his toes. He told me to take him to the hospital,But I can't I'm Lack-toes-intolerant.
Gordon Ramsay rejected all the photos taken to showcase his latest menu ... ... they were formatted RAW
I think I love my girlfriend... But I need to ask Rudy Guliani to be sure.
Me and my friends started a band called 1,023 Megabytes... We haven't gotten a gig yet.
What do you call a government consisted of burglars? A thiefdom.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
What do you call a dizzy asian? Disorientaled.
What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? They both don't drive tractors.
What do you call a Mexican that loses a car? Carlos.
The Wright Way "I think it is wrong that one company makes Monopoly." -Steven Wright
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father's Day, internet.
How do you start a stampede in Ethiopia? Carve a turkey
Depression hurts. Ask your doctor if maybe he wants to hang out Saturday night if he's not doing anything.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? Not all men.
What's something that the inventor doesn't want, the buyer doesn't use, and the user doesn't know about it? A casket
Q: What do you call a slow hurricane? A: A slowicane.
Contrary to common belief, only 5.7 million Jews were killed during the Holocuast, for you see... the Nazis were known for rounding them up.
I recently joined a nudist colony.. The first week was the hardest
How did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire.
a fruedian slip is when you say one thing. . . . when you're thinking of a mother.
Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography. "Shelf E," replied the librarian. "Aye that's the one," said Sean
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape so Christians can't claim God did it.
You know what gets me down? Elevators.
What do you call a longshoreman who only unloads sugar substitutes? A steviadore.
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HUNTER &amp; A STALKER What's the difference between a hunter and a stalker? ANSWER: The hunter has to wait until it's in season!
What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in tendifferent puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,no pun in ten did.
How often did the asian cow go to the gym? Dairy
Interesting how alzheimer's makes people forget their own name; yet they always seem to remember that they're racist.
What do you call a sleep walking nun? A roamin' Catholic.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men's shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn't choose
BREAKING: An egg. I'm making scrambled eggs.
5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."
Why was General Yoda afraid of April? Because March, April May.
"I just want a guy that makes me laugh" *makes her laugh* "Not you."
Math problems are like women If they're under 18 just do them in your head
The barber asked me "do u have any kids" & I said "I do not, no" and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said "I do not know"
Men are like placemats, they only show up when there's food on the table. 
I poked my eye out .(
My daughter just entered singing "Love you like a love song". So, your love has a 3 1/2 minute expiration date? Well, I guess that's honest.
What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? ... Britney asked to be hit one more time..
What do plantains say when they lose their phone? "Where did Mofongo?"
What do you call an angry terrorist? Amin Amood
WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting "no he's not"] dammit guys, not now
Hey girl, are you an F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing.
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? Seizure salad
A reasonably attractive girl applied for a modelling job in a glamour magazine She was a candid eight.
"Use the forceps, Luke!" - Obi Gyn Kenobi
What do you call it when three french cats get into a boat only meant for two? Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq!
What goes "Hahahahaha...*thud*"? Someone laughing their head off
A guy told a story about a creeper who got too close to him in /r/minecraft. It blew up. I'll show myself out.
What do cannibals call family members they love? Bae-Kin
How do you get a woman to pick cotton?' Set her tampon string on fire.
I used to be addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey Luckily I since turned myself around.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle... ...he just didn't have the balls to do it.
Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need. Edit: missed a word
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco
April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.
Why was the egg kicked out of the comedy club? Because he was telling bad yolks!
*loads dryer* Fitted Sheet: HE'S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!
Steve Jobs isn't really dead The nurses are just holding him the wrong way [Source](http://sickipedia.org/joke/view/1108293)
What do you call weaponized sushi? A combat roll
Don't you hate it when dontyouhateitwhenpeopledontusespaces
What do Japan and Shaq have in common? Kobe Beef
How do you confuse a gay? 7
I registered as a sex offender.. ..just so I wouldn't have to wake up early to drive the kids to school.
I have two tickets to the Euro's final.. problem is it's on the same day as my wedding... So if anyones interested it's at St.Peters church in Brighton and her name is Sarah.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
anti-tattoo people saying "my body's a temple" like they wouldn't worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."
I tattooed the word "WINNER" on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other? A surgeon.
If a women regrets her decisions and a man never regrets his. Then what happens to the transsexual?
A penguin walks into a bar and asks "Has my brother been in here?" And the bartender says "I don't know. What does he look like?"
What do a democratic Asian and a gay guy have in common? They both love an erection
Shortest Joke I've Ever Heard; Dwarf shortage.
Life is too complicated in the morning.
I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."
Doc, I can't stop singing... "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. He replied, "It's not unusual."
How do you pick up older Spanish women? Hola Seniority
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell outta it.
My uncle has one leg. He's got a second one as as well. But he also has one
What's long and hard on a black man? The third grade.
My father is invisible... a trans-parent
I hate when Netflix asks if I'm still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My 10 y/o daughter made this joke up on the way to school... What do you get when you cross Hitler with a fish? A-dolphin!
World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson's daughter.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, of course!
What do you get if you put 20 blondes in a row standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Dearest wife, The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I met a girl with 12 boobs once... sounds funny dozen tit.
Which religion lets you eat as much pizza as you want without getting fat?
Q: Why are all black people fast? A: Because the slow ones are in jail.
When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn't suspect that I watch Glee
How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb? It depends on the definition of lightbulb.
What does Moses do when he wants a beer? He brews!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped] zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority" cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I'm having lunch behind the couch.
Can gorillas swim? No.
Bikes a bike cannot stand on its own because it is two tired.
Guys, stop with the vagina jokes. Period.
Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest? Because it would be economically unviable to market a pharmaceutical in such a vastly unpopulated area.
What do you call the mercury mine? Hg wells
Shortest joke ever? "Pretentious? Moi?"
What fish make the best sandwich? A peanut butter and jellyfish
The longest joke in the world. [Worth it.] (http://www.longestjokeintheworld.com)
My eyes are fine but I still failed my eye exams... I guess I shouldn't have copied off the asian guy.
For my summer job, I worked at the zoo, circumsizing elephants The pay wasn't great, but the tips were enormous!
Marriage brings two people together to solve issues they never had before
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
Just be yourself. All the good personalities are taken.
I used to get sad when the leaves fell from the trees... But then they always grew back, so that was a releaf.
Did you know; one hamburger only contains 4% of our daily need of vitamine -B This means we need to eat way more hamburgers!
I bought a duckdoo yesterday! 'What's a duckdoo?' "quack, quack"
This guy says to me, "Your girlfriend looks like a man" I said "Your girlfiend looks like a man too: the invisible man!"
If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate
My friend attempted to make a cocktail... but she didn't have the Bols.
We're working on saving our second million. The first one didn't go so well.
We get it, Charmin. Bears love to shit.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, "Are you taking a video?"
What did the polite gay man say to the other man when he left the bar? Please allow me to push in your stool sir.
Who is the most trustworthy lover? Shakira. Her hips don't lie.
A new sickness has been found and researchers report it infects only the nose. According to them, this is a full-blown disease.
There's a lot of pretty woman at spring because during other seasons you appreciate them with your brain.
Why did Donald Duck break up with Daisy Duck? Turns out she was a quack whore.
Cell phone, I don't know why you keep capitalizing TEQUILA but I like the way you party.
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert
What's the difference between an erection and a Camaro? I don't have a Camaro....
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn't trust us
Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.
My mate just phoned me to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to spinal column. "Can I call you back?" I asked.
What's a glow worms favourite song ? Wake me up before you glow glow !
I'm gonna pretend my dad didn't abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he'll be back
The masochist asks the sadist: please hurt me. The sadist answers: No!
All in favor of imitating Spanish women say "Aye-yi-yi."
The life of a Dick. A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
What has 4 legs in the morning, two at lunch, and three in the evening? A cannibal
What did one ball say to the other? "This guy in the middle is a dick"
Don't forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else's expectations today!
If I looked down and saw Steve Buscemi between my legs, I'm pretty sure I'd think I was having a miscarriage.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI... Sorry, wrong notes, that's tomorrow's speech. Here's the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega ...
Q. What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate'? A. You can 't 'weather' a tree but you can 'climate'!
Good Anatomy or Digestive System Joke? I need a good joke for my T shirt design for my Anatomy class. Anyone have any good jokes. thanks (school apprpriate please)
I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I just don't know Y I'll show myself the door.
Doctor Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing. I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!
What did the redditor say when he opened his package from the UniBomber? Wow, I did not expect this post to blow up
Good chance of showers today. -- Bathroom Forecast.
something we all think is funny. Everybody thinks a pussy fart is funny, right?
What's got a pair of balls and 100 teeth? A: A crocodile Q: what's got a 100 balls and a pair of teeth? A: A singing choir of army veterans
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra... and says "I'll order three beers."
Did you hear the headline about midget psychic on the run from the Law? It read, "Small Medium At Large."
Why do they call it Black Friday? Because the prices are so good you are practically stealing.
White trash girl How do you get a white trash girl to suck your dick? Dip it in ranch dressing.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippy? Because he was too far out... (dude).
What does suicide and marriage have in common? (This one needs work...) Permanent solution to temporary problem.
I was invited to an event that requires causal dress. Should I wear a time machine or a syllogism print?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say "WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?" and now I don't have to talk to my kids until Spring so that's pretty cool.
My Iraqi friend skyped me today Something hilarious must've been happening because I kept hearing "Hahahahallahu hahahkbar" and then what sounded like party poppers. Abdul sure is a mad one.
My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight.... The viewing is at 7pm.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo'lik et ven yo'shoulla puh a wring owh it.
What do you call a black man with no arms or legs? TRUSTWORTHY! 
I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.
This year's Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it's gonna end, but let's all pretend it's suspenseful.
What did the oyster say when the monster broke into his home? Shucks
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: A chopped baby
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head... the bartender said, "Can I help you?" and the duck said, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."
My mate Dave is living the dream. He's in a coma...
Do you know the thing about carpets? They demand to be felt.
I am really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y. Credit: Chris Turner
Some women wear larger shirts to make their bodies feel smaller... I wear smaller condoms to make my penis feel larger
Why does Ariel wear seashells? Because she can't fit into D shells
With Fifty Shades of Grey that came out today, cinemas should serve ketchup... ...for all the fish fingers
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Why do melons have to get married in a church? Because they cantaloupe.
I'm not racist, but black people sure were nicer before the civil rights movement.
What smells better raw meat or a baby? Depends on how cooked the baby is.
I hosted a debate between "Safe Space" advocates and critics The safe space advocates didn't show up and called for my resignation.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month? Me: Ridiculous! I won't pay it! B: here's your coffee. $12.32 M: thank you
Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
Danny DeVito... Danny DeVito is 70 years old, but he's had a short life.
I just read a story about a blind guy who's training to run in his eleventh marathon in case you were wondering what a lazy fuck you are.
[parent/teacher meeting] "you must've read to him as a baby" *leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn't even know him when I was a baby
I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You stop milking a cow after 13 years.
I, for one... like Roman numerals.
You deplete me
College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
Jokes on you! For clicking to see what was written here !!!!!!
The doctor told me I had Parkinson's.... I decided to just shake it off.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
5 female pigs + 5 male deer What do you get when you have 5 female pigs and 5 male deer? 10 sows and bucks (say it out loud)
How does the blind man know when to stop wiping his arse? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.
I'm not a discriminatory person, and I'll say it again : It doesn't matter for me if you're gay, bi, trans, black or normal.
The only thing worse than a woman who's completely lifeless in bed.. .. Is getting caught with the body
Why was the lion a terrible cannibal? He couldn't swallow his pride.
A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack
[during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]
Q: Why is everyone tired of the king playing video poker on his porcelain throne? A: Cause they're sick of all his royal flushes.
REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze. BOOM.
Obviously you don't think you're ignorant! That's the meaning of ignorance!
A thug holds a gun to a dictionarys head and asks " final words?" the dictionary says "zyzzyva."
When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn't my panicked gasping breathing.
What do you call a bunch of white guys on a bench? The NBA
How could batman possibly defeat superman? Put him on a horse I'm now going to hell with the rest of you...
A man calls his family doctor: man: Doctor for the last week my wife has thought that she was a  rabbit. doctor: Ok bring her in and I'll try to help. man: Fine but whatever you do don't cure her.
What do you call a starving artist from 17th Century England? baroque
Jimmy has 36 candy bars, and he eats 28. What does Jimmy have? Diabetes. Jimmy has diabetes.
Start your presentation with a joke My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide...
What do hillbillies do on Halloween? Pump kin.
What do you call a stuck up slut? Cuntseeded
3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could "relax" so now I'm sitting here suspicious that he's done something to piss me off.
Why do Jihadists only drink instant coffee? Because they're cunts. EDIT: punchline.
I love when you're choking someone and they are all "I can't breathe", duh I'm choking you.
I keep my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. Easy! It's right next to the sage.
What do you get when you elect Bernie Sander's son as president? A son Bern
If you trip over in public, a cool thing to do is break into a jog, leave the country, have plastic surgery and change your name.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? You hand the bitch a shovel.
I don't trust people who keep their jackets on after they've arrived. That's what I do when I'm going to escape.
Two high dudes meet... "What's your name?" "Jack without a V." "There's no V in Jack." "That's what I just said."
Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.
Just printed out 50 copies of today's weather forecast to carry around with me today because I'm just not in the mood for small talk.
I can spell relief with one letter P!
What is Hitler's favourite animal? Adolphin
Back in the day, pens could only be used once before you threw them away The invention of the modern pen is truly remarkable
Michael Jackson has left behind has been so influential... ...but I think more than any other artist, his legacy has been influenced by his coloured past.
Why do bronies get so upset about the friendzone? I thought friendship was magic
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
MISSING: 5 year old LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, "Bath time." DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
What's the most popular board game in Canada Sorry.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I have sexdaily I mean dyslexia fcuk
On a stakeout. Getting bored. Wish these perps would do something. Oh crap. Got my dong stuck in my cd player.
Why is a wizard so good in bed? Because he is never late, nor is he early. He reaches orgasm precisely when he means to.
What do you do if your girlfriend is choking ? Back up a few inches
Hey baby! What's up? Baby: My mother's uterus.
One milli-Helen: The amount of beauty required to launch a single ship.
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."  Tech: "Yes." Customer: "My computer isn't working now." Tech: "Yes you said that."
There are rumors that Robert Pattinson from the "Twilight" movies may be the next Indiana Jones. If there is one thing I want with my rugged action heroes, it's a little bit of sparkle!
Why did sexual frustration impede the development of mathematics in Ancient Greece? Because mathematicians in Ancient Greece couldn't get no irrational fraction . . .
don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" it felt good
Do you know what 80 year old vagina tastes like? Depends
Who is tall dark and a great dancer ? Dark Raver !
WalMart is closing down 269 stores in 2016 Due to this, 17 cashiers will lose their jobs.
My mother in law called me today and said? "Come quick. I think I'm dying" I said, "Call me back when you're sure".
I turned my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it into the air. Worst transformer ever.
Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate? He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.
It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.
Two men walked into a bar You'd think at least one of them would've ducked.
Don't be afraid to speak your mind but know when to shut the fcuk up.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you", She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?" I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
Why didn't the homophobe decorate his house for Halloween? Because his skeleton was in the closet
He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.
When finding out he was into beastiality, what did Robocop say to Schrodinger's cat? Dead or alive, you're coming with me
Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out.
WANTED: Sanity LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn't get a new toy REWARD: 4 year old
Just remember, you can't please everyone. So just focus on what's important, pleasing me.
How to catch a Polar Bear Cut a hole in the ice, fill it with dead fish, then hide. When the polar bear shows up, kick him in the ice hole.
Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"
What do you call a smug criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending
Three French cats were sailing... There was a hole in the boat and un deux trois quatre cinq.
What do you fire from underwater guns? Seashells
What's the world's scariest plant? bamBOO!
Certainty Fewer things in life are certain than death, taxes and if you name your son Chester he will touch children
I'm no longer allowed in Six Flags, because I put the "semen" in amusement park.
How do snowmen travel around ? By iceicle !
Guys that work at animal shelters get all the bitches.
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
What's the worst part about being gay? You cant think straight.
"Careful, there's poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a  monster ? Terrier-fied !
9 months later story
A dyslexic walks in to a bra
What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug? One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.
Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home
My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative" Anybody know what "ternative" means?
My favorite joke: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!
How did the paramedics know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove box
As a miner, it's hard being on Jokes. I never seem to strike gold on this Subreddit.
Me: If Obi-Wan's clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn't ghost Obi-Wan naked? My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Us guys like to be held too. Just, you know, lower. Lowwwwwerrrrrrrr.
Before tea-baggers, there were two-baggers. Two-bagger: a woman so ugly you wouldn't do her unless she had two bags over her head, in case one tore.
Why can't cats vote? Because they are non-voting felines!
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
I can hear my cat's stomach growling in D#... I better get him a tuna.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.
What kind of turns do letters take? U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.
[caution: black joke] If a person's last name is Black, there's every chance he/she is not of African American origin. - Because slaves don't need surnames.
3 guys walked into a bar but one ducked
To all you hilarious guys telling Ronda Rousey jokes today: Seize your moment, gents! Talk about a woman *and* look like the winner by comparison!
Violets are green, roses are blue... Alright you bastards, who fucked with the hue?
Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for married men? Every month it has the same centerfold.
[1st date] Her: I love quail Me: Omg me too! H: Love Cher M: Omg me too! H: Love men Me: Omg me too! H: Love Pepsi M: WTF is wrong with you?
What's the definition of a great farmer? He's outstanding in his field.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying "The Printer Can't Be Found." Uh buddy it's RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
What do you call a seagull by the bay? A bagel.
What's the abominable snowman's favourite food? Spag-yeti.
I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
If my African American father had an Asian name It would be So Long
What do you MEAN there are no food trucks named "Nom Chompsky"?!
What do you call an arrogant convict coming down the stairs? A condescending con, descending.
Buy one annoying person, get two free! - In-laws
A hooker is a lot like a Christmas gift... It's fun to unwrap, but you never know what you're gonna get.
I was browsing sex toys online today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife's vibrators cost... She's sitting on a small fortune...
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Hiroshima Barbie ...just a shadow of her former self
Last night my girlfriend kept shouting someone's name while we were having sex. I never met anyone named "Rape" though.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it's about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If you clone a twin... Do you get triplets?
If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy.
Did you guys here the Twins signed Adrian Peterson? Word is they needed a switch hitter...
My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister and I was like, "How can that be possible when her snoring keeps me up all night?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? He was trying to draw the zoophile into traffic. Thanks /u/LFBR for the premise.
me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot
Want to hear a joke about testicles? Today's your lucky day, because I've got two!
Breaking: Man stabbed and killed Morgan Freeman 's granddaughter
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don't borrow someone else's iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Some guy said I was being pithy.... turns out he had a lisp.
You've got a face even an Instagram filter couldn't fix.
"How Long can a Chinese name be?" -- Yoda
how can you drop a raw egg onto concrete floor without cracking it? Anyway you want, a concrete floor is very hard to Crack!
I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts... I haven't got an addiction. It's just a great way of meeting sluts.
What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning? "Go Ahead Make My Day"
What's another name for a Dentists? A filling station!
"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they're not always accurate." - Albert Einstein
Open the door ...... Ooen the door.... Open the door Odour
So Clark Kent is walking around with a giant cape bunched up under his dress shirt? I feel weird when I wear an undershirt.
Which religion faces the most Resistance? Hinduism... Om......
Where does a king keep his armies?? In his sleevies
No internet access in Cairo- Now the country is just called Gypt.
What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around, and I'll go on ahead.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I'm fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
"Never go to bed angry" is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Truthfully officer, I wouldn't have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Why'd the baker resort to prostitution? Because they knead the dough.
2 peanuts walk into an elevator One was Ray Rice and the other was assaulted
What is 1x times D xD
What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls, because they're under a buck.
Our son eats 3 bowls of generic fruity pebbles every morning then pukes on the bus.
I saw the youtube-comment-jokes and raise you the edition I found while listening to skrillex! https://dl.dropbox.com/u/87956689/reddit/youtube.PNG
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
What's invisible and smells like cough drops? Koala farts
I hate people that can't tell the difference between "you're" and "your" their so stupid
What do you call an egocentric strain of bacteria found in a Chipotle burrito? ME-coli
Two zombies, Greg and John, are sitting in the cemetery. Greg says: "Didn`t Peter also want to come?" John answers: "Yes, but he is late."
I would tell a joke about sex... but none of you will get it.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD
Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won't let see a picture of her you just took.
Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is basically like picking up a hitchhiker. You're probs gonna die.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch? Husband: 4: 7: Me: Well... 7: It really could have been any of us. 4: (licks couch)
Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter? He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
When you add the same thing to both sides of an equation, it remains true. Therefore, since 'pro' is the opposite of 'con', then 'progress' is the opposite of 'Congress'.
What's the #1 cause of pedophilia? ...sexy kids NOTE: Don't let this note, my acct. name, and the fact that this is only my second post interrupt your comedic ~~enboyment~~ enjoyment
A goose walks into a cafe. He says, "I want a burger, fries, and coke. Put it on my bill."
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Why Did Hitler kill himself? He was told about his gas bill
What is Brown and Runny? ...Usain Bolt
Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
Why do androids go to Africa to party? Because Botswana have fun.
If you like internet jokes, you should see my online bank account.
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
I've met many Richards... However, some of them are Dicks.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Q: What do you get when you cross a loaf of bread with a buffalo? A: A buffaloaf.
Did you hear about the kidnapping down the street? His mother wouldn't wake him until 3.
People who say they don't know how to lie are lying.
Why don't boxers have sex before a fight? Because they don't like each other.
What's the most scandalous of the wonders of the ancient world? The Colossus of Scrotes.
What do you call a cat in love? Romeow
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
When math majors graduate, do they get degrees or radians?
Why did the werewolf become a proctologist? He only has to work on full moons
It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My mum told me to stop tickling my little brothers feet. Apparently I should wait until he is born.
Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016 Sure showed them
The only people who get more concussions than NFL players.. are their wives
I'm starting a self-serve fork business. It's called Go Fork Yourself.
Do you know why the Little Mermaid wore seashells? Because she was too small for D shells.
There's a button on this hotel phone that says, "Pizza". I may never leave.
What do 9 out of 10 people agree on? A gangbang
What do you call an Asian male with no penis? An Asian porn star
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water Wife: the neighbour? Me: yes Wife: is he in the pool? Me: yes Wife: again, its called swimming
There are 2 things that I absolutely hate: The first is racism And the second is sitting next to a black in the bus.
Two hipsters walked into a bar... The first went in before it was popular and the second was only being ironic.
There was a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Thought of a '2 guys walk into a bar' joke A gay guy and Sam Adams walk into a bar. The gay guy drank some Sam Adams. But only Sam Adams had alcohol that night.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? IT'S BEEN DECADES, SOMEONE TELL ME FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
You're only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it's 80.
Dentist sign reads "KGB Dentistry" The sign continued, "We are Putin in your filling."
What ya call a lesbian with large fingers? Well hung!
I was let down in life by two people My mum, my dad and my maths teacher
If at first you don't succeed... ...then sky diving is not for you.
If you have an Oculus Rift... Then you're Luckey.
My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
WHY DID THE PRISONER TYPE IN ALL UPPERCASE? THEY WERE SENTENCED TO CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.
Does a litter box count as a guest bathroom?
What water does Snake drink? Big Voss.
Why aren't dwarves allowed at nudist camps? They allways stick their nose in other people's business.
Roses are red grass is green open your legs and i'll give you some cream.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what's this for? ME: it's a tip DOCTOR: okay but you're still dying ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
What entrance do prostitutes use? Hodor
"Cu Later!" - a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.
I combined two hit games and made "Angry Words With Friends" where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
An Irishman walks past a bar... ..no, really. It can happen.
Did you all see the shots fired at the Democratic debate just now!!???? Hillary really took aim at Bernie over gun control.
What type of pants does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim.
A book just fell on my head.. and I've only got myshelf to blame.
Living in Russia... Living in Russia in the winter, you're already snowden.
I slapped a girl in the face at the bar last night ... She told me her name!! Edit: I made up this while waiting for GoT. Please don't get mad. ^I'm ^^pathic ^^^and ^^^^awkward.
Failed my biology test today... They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.
911 what's your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma'am we don't-- IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
What do you get when you are the daughter of Rodney Dangerfield and Aretha Franklin? No R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
If Michael J. Fox was sick of his job as a valet He'd have "valet Parkinson's" disease
How many feminist does it take to change a light bulb? ....Trick Question. they cant change anything...
There's a hole in the nudist camp's wall The police are looking into it.
*suddenly awakes* honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy's face interviewer: ummm
My poop very recently stopped being imaginary. Shit just got real.
What do you call the poop that won't wipe away from your ass? You little piece of shit
My wife always cheats when we play board games Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
If you refuse to take a nap... Are you resisting a rest?
What happens when Bosnian terrorists start attacking municipal government buildings? It Herzegovina
If you're an American outside the bathroom what are you inside the bathroom? European.
Suicide If I'd ever want to commit suicide, I will jump off your ego to your elo.
Does your wife know you're single?
Father Christmas: All right my good lady my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch out... there's a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.
A cheesemaker is hard-strapped for cash... He decided to get a Provolone.
A guy doesn't go into a bar... Unaware, the bartender continues serving drinks to other people.
What do you call a snake who works for the governement ? A civil serpent !
Nice guys don't finish last, fat guys do.
What's the worst part of giving a magician a ride home? When you get there, you turn into the driveway. Ba-dum-bum! Don't forget to tip your waitress!
Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won't work. I was married for 6 years.
What do you call a group of retards in a sauna? Steamed vegetables.
*throws coin in fountain* stranger: can you not do that? Me: just want my wish to come true S: this is a drinking fountain m: wish came true
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies? A well educated Barista
Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger's Cat It could be really hot or stone cold.
If I could make puppies and kittens magically appear, people would call me "The Wizard of Awwws".
Why can't Ray Charles read? Because he's blind you racist!
What do you call a vegetable that always stays outside? An un-in.
What's the difference between a truckload of dead woodchucks and a truckload of bowling balls? You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork!
*Ghost snatches phone from me* "Who you gonna call now?"
Where did the kid with adhd go? Aushwitz
What did the mexican do when he lost his car in the parking lot? He pressed hispanic button
(Q)....... What do fat women &amp; mopeds have in common? (A)........ They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.
Carol from Facebook said she's "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That's how days work."
What does Mario wear? Denim denim denim
Lil' Wayne looks pretty good for a scarecrow that is being eaten from the inside out by bats.
Before you decide to tell a woman she should go get herself "dolled up," remember, Annabelle & Chucky are dolls.
Wow The Middle East Certainly knows how to Commemorate International Women's Day They let them get stoned.
What do you call an Ethiopian woman with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese
How do you kill vegetarian vampires? With a steak to the heart.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Boiler ! Boiler who ? Boiler egg for four minutes !
Favorite Cheese What is a mathematicians favourite cheese? Dairylea Cheese Right Angles
Talking shoes What did the shoes say to the capri pants? "What's up britches!" What did the shoes say to the black underpants? "Whassup my knickers?"
Windows: "You may be the victim of software counterfeiting" no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Why did they never make a pregnant Barbie? because Ken always came in another box.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur with vertigo? Falloffalottapuss
What do you get when you mix blood and piss? Bliss!
Knock Know? Whose There? Letm. Lemt Who? Let me in please
What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive) American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
Genetically modified fruit never ceases to amaze me. Check out this unnaturally large melon. Ah, it's not a melon. It's a grape.
Is a red headed Ninja called a Ginja?
Where does a Sith Lord do their shopping? The Maul.
If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import)
The worlds best chat-up line: "I like my women how I like my coffee... Either cheap and bitter or ground up and in the freezer."
Why was no at the Premature Ejaculaters' support group when I arrived? I came early.
So excited to go and watch 'the Evil Dead' next week. Anyone else going to Thatcher's funeral? Bring 'em on! Post em all here.
Woman hit by train Whats a train doing in a kitchen? (Sexist but creative, not meant to offend anyone.)
How do you recognize a rich ethiopian? He only wears Rolex around his waist.
How long can an Owl live? 6 1/2 books...
Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Actually, never mind. I'll finish, you'll be thoroughly disappointed, and then I'll start crying.
A Poem Roses are grey. Violets are grey. Lol, I'm a dog.
How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a light-bulb? As many as will fit.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
What makes a Mexican saddest about the rise of ebooks? The closing of the Borders.
Nostalgia Sure isn't what it used to be.
What is 2Chainz's favorite TV channel? TruTV
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed] in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete "can owls fly" before mom sees it
This year's the year of the rooster, so I ate chicken. Next year's the year of the dog.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile yesterday. I said wow, that's a big word for a 9 year old
When a relative asks me what I'm doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he's doing.
Most days I feel like three kids stacked up on each other's shoulders, covered by a huge coat, trying to pass as one of all these grown-ups.
my wife usually fills up our car with gas *she farts a lot*
My ass is a woman tonight It won't shut the fuck up.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient. They will test you...
What did the tomato say to the mushroom? "You're a fun guy"
What is the first thing that vampires learn at school? The alphabat.
Chuck Norris won an award today Kanye West sat politely in his seat.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ? A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.
Why couldn't the hipsters save the hippies? They were too far out.
What do you call a dead skunk? A stunk. My daughter made this up when she was about 7 years old. I thought it was incredible clever.
If the first piece of advice from any life coach isn't "avoid bears" you're being scammed.
This joke might take you awhile Pussy! ::snickering:: get it?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she's a keeper
How do you interrupt a Redditor's winning streak? The Game
woops i wrote a joke with no punchline a joke with no punchline
How are men like fuses? Once they're blown, they're useless.
What is meant by 'a pull factor'? A big red sports car.
I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam.. It's a great game if you're just loafing around.
Where do socialist birds lay their eggs? In a communest (pls ^dont ^^be ^^^repost)
I'm not only glad that toothpaste was invented I'm enamelled by it.
What do you call a? What do you call a convict walking down some stairs? Con-descending
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He's so weird.
There's a book called "Why Women have sex" by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote"Why Men have sex" but I'm guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Holy crap what a wank... I really took a beating back there.
Don't be silly! A kid's name doesn't affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
Revenge is never as satisfying as you'd hope And the cops always come sooner then you expect
My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.
What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he hits puberty.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Did you hear about the suicidal dolphin? He lost the porpoise to live.
Whats the difference between 3 big cocks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
What's the difference between 0/1 and 0/2 ? Nothing.
My description of today's front page... BEARY FUNNY!!!! http://i.imgur.com/en5msOs.png
What do you call a horny cow? Beef jerky :)
What did Hitler invest his money in hand sanitizer? It kills 99.9% of Germs.
Which came first? Chicken or the Egg? Neither. I CAME first!
WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.
Dear algebra, Stop telling us to find your x, she's never coming back. Don't ask y. Sincerely, PB1541
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz "we don't have time to get arrested" if you're looking for a parenting role model.
What do gay horses eat?? Haaaayyyy!!
Me: it's robocop Wife: it's not robocop it's dangerous *a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. You have my Word.
We all know how women can fake orgasms, but do you know how a man does? He moans, shakes, and spits on your back.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a Fe-Male, and the other's a woman in a power suit.
Damn girl, are you from Tennessee? Cause your the only ten I see
What animal has a dick on its back? A police horse.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
I treat women well cause I'm a real man. Also, if I'm nice to them maybe they'll come over and kill this spider for me
What degree did the butt get? A Master of Fine Farts
What did 50 cent say to his grandma after she crocheted him a sweater? G! You knit!
Billy asked our Astronomy teacher a simple question today... "Mrs. North? How big is Uranus?" Billy was sent to the office...
On soy milk cartons, the missing kids are always named "Skylar" and were last seen getting into a Prius
What concert can you get in with just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Chinese woman pray before releasing fishes in Paris river la Seine when https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G77aVXoxTk
First Michael Jackson, and now Neil Armstrong.... The world is running out of moonwalkers
[at restaurant] "check, please!" [waiter leans over] sir, again, there are no monsters under the table "ok....goodnight" wait what
There's never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Old meaning of sorry. "I won't do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid "Next time call when you say you will"
"We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision" Which was? "We ate Bill" OMG. How long were you in there? "4 minutes"
I'd like rap a lot better if they sang, played instruments, had talent, and didn't rap.
What do you call a wino eating grapes? Impatient.
It's so hot outside! I've been out here 10 minutes and I'm already wetter then Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards.
Eating McDonald's because you're hungry is exactly like sucking dick because you're lonely That meat is no good for you and I do it about once a month
Why do tourists always take pictures in Paris? Because the tower is an Eiffel.
How did the mermaid get into a car crash? ...because she was fish tailing!
Did you hear about the special offer at the Mexican carpet store? UNDERLAY UNDERLAY UNDERLAY!!!!!!!!
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted
Mating call of a blonde... "Hee hee, I think I'm a little drunk!"
(Late Joke) Islamic State: People who are currently in Cuba, You are all in Fidel's. . Sorry.
Where do shadowbanned Redditors go? To the PAO Camp.
If you're seen one shopping centre... You've seen a mall.
Did you know the earth is over 70 percent water? Now what if all that water voted
My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Wife: Rock the baby. Me: *plugs in amp*
I went camping with swingers It was fucking intense
What does batman take in his beverages? just...ice.
Where do the Chinese study? In the Pupils republic of China
"I'm paying a woman to fist my mouth" is the way I choose to describe going to the dentist tomorrow.
Police: Everything you say can and will be held against you Criminal: Boobs
What's the russian royalty's favorite type of fish? Czar-dines!
I'm no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you're pulling your tampons out way too fast.
What do you call a White Crocodile? A Crocasian
Why is it that whenever you complement someone on their mustache... suddenly she's not your friend anymore?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplane crash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They've recovered 300 bodies so far, and they're still digging them up.
Recent studies have shown that 63% of women have used vibrators. The other 37% have brand new ones.
What do you call 250 dead politicians? A good start.
What does a child with stickers have in common with a cocaine addicted DJ? They both love to scratch and sniff. ^(sorry if it's a repost I'm not here often)
If you jump off a bridge in Paris... They'll declare you in Seine
I put a picture of my friend with MS on my computer. It quit running
Washington DC's IQ is the same as the Federal Reserves interest rate Theyre both negative.
What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out of the window.
What did the teacher do with the student's cheese report? She grated it.
I'm currently working on a management oriented book focused on the delegation of tasks "I'll have my secretary let you know when my intern finishes writing it." - Mr. Manager Cordially, Mrs. Team Lead
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers
As I get older, I'm really just looking for Girls Gone Mild.
Did you hear the horror story about the teens having sex on a camping trip? It was fucking in tents!
My nephew: "Sometimes it gets puffy and I can't pee" Me: "Yeah, unfortunately when you get older it gets puffy and you can't think"
Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Cause sheeran
I just peed in my bath. But don't worry, I won't drink the water. - 4 year old logic
Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..
I once told a girl to text me when she gets home She must have been homeless
Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What does a Dalek do in the shower? EXFOLIATE!
Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community: Shop till you drop!
My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.
Why did Mr. T reject Marxism? Because Marx said "You have nothing to lose but your chains." *^(Manifest der Kommunistischen Partei - 1848)*
I like my women like I like my toasters... Two warm holes and never leaves the kitchen.
What is a Yankee ? What is a Yankee? Well, its like a Quicky but your by yourself.
Hillary Clinton is in the hospital... She is being treated for third degree Berns.
BOSS: It's come to my attention that you've disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that. BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me "literally, nothing is interesting to me".
A dick has the saddest life He is put in a dark room, banged againts the walls until it throws up and is unconcious
Why did the football team sack the hairy goalkeeper? Because he rarely shaved the balls.
The best birth control Put a rock in your shoe, it'll make ya limp
According to Cunningham's Law, the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the right answer and wait for idiots to tell you you're wrong.
What do blacks and bicycles have in common? Take off the chain and both stop working. Going straight to hell :)
Crime on multi-story car parks, it's wrong on so many levels.
I like my women like I like my coffee not older than 12 years
What do the Green Bay Packers and Monica Lewinsky have in common? Clinton Dix, haha.
I asked my friend if he wanted brown rice... He said, "No, I hate brown rice; I only eat white rice." I said, "What are you, riceist?"
After 5 vodka and Red Bulls, you start wearing your Lindsay Lohan costume.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger's engagement proves that not only is love blind, it's also deaf.
What is a trans fat? A feminist.
Gays and ISIS ... are fucking assholes.
Why was Jack scared? Because Jack was bean stalked
Mrs Smith the biology teacher was very fond of fish. She was also rather deaf which was great for the children in her class. "What Mrs Smith needs" said one of her colleagues "is a herring-aid."
What does a jock douchebag and a strict catholic have in common? They're both obsessed with their mass every day.
What did one saggy boob say to the other? Perk up or people will think you're nuts!
When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag, So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops
PERSONAL TRAINER: How's your nutrition? ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You're too young to smoke. Sorry, it's the first joke I ever learned, and I haven't ever seen it posted.
Why will Church's chicken be losing money? Because I don't see black people going to church's anytime soon
What is "attempted theft" exactly? I mean it's not like you see school librarians seeing a student use Wikipedia on one of the computers and puts them in detention for "attempted plagiarism"
What's Vladimir's favorite song? Putin on the Ritz
Stop making fun of fat people with lisps!!! ...they're probably thick and tired of it.
Which teachers care the most about their students? Math teachers, because every student counts.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? he's 0k now.
What is Dracula's favorite fruit?  Neck-tarines.
"Can you turn down the radio? I have a phone call that's going to last the entire car ride." - The worst people alive
Which dog can tell time? A watchdog.
Moss and Algae take a liking to each other. Algae and a Moss took a liking to each other and soon after got married. After a few years they realized their marriage was on the rocks.
Why do Eyeballs Make Great Comedians? Because they are filled with vitreous humor!
Ad a German i often hear some say we have a bad humor .... last time someone actually told me, he got burned with the other jews telling me. Edit: Damn it phone it is as and not ad ._.
What is brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Because of my thyroid condition, my parents made me join a support group as a kid. This one time, at gland camp...
Why did EA cross the road? The punchline for this joke is 0.99$
I like to shoot at stop signs, especially those little ones on the side of school buses.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo? A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !
What do you get if you cross a telephone with  a hunting dog? A golden receiver!
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches watches...
What is brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
I once got diarrhea on a road trip but I went on, undeterred.
Why are gametes best suited to advertising careers? Because sex cells.
There is a blind guy called Miles, what is the name of his guide dog? Roger Daltrey.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you are NOT going to like it as an adult.
*touches a turtel* *dies* *touches a plant* *dies* wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".
Whats green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Queen Elizabeth is planning to visit the set of "Game of Thrones" next week. She said things are hard to keep track of because everyone keeps dying. And then Prince Charles said, "Not everyone."
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
People ranked their favorite meats...but the survey was flawed and inconsequential. The steaks weren't very high
I'm offended every time I talk to a stranger and I'm not offered candy.
What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck my sandwiches before I eat them.
What's the definition of a will? Come on, guys. The answer's a dead giveaway.
Liars tend not make eye contact, which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.
the cool part about hitting your 30s is just about anything u do for fun eventually leads to a headache, diarrhea, anxiety, or just sweating
People are so unreliable Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.
Guns don't kill people. Wars and famine and disease and random accidents kill people. Also, sometimes guns. Have a good day!
[boss's office] BOSS: Do you like my fire place? ME: Actually, it's one word: "fireplace" BOSS: You're fired ME: Oh, I get it now
A hole has appeared in the ladies' changing rooms at the downtown sports club. Police are looking into it.
What's the difference between a calendar and me? The calendar has dates.
How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV?  Actor: Well I do appear on and off you know. How do you like me?  Neighbour: Off.
Who designed Noah's ark? An ark-itect !
Mr. Rogers misled kids by making them believe that running into people you know is good.
The difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception.
What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard? Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.
They were having a sale at the hospital for vasectomies... It was a package deal.
You guys wanna see something cool? http://www.fda.gov/ucm/groups/fdagov-public/documents/image/ucm197598.bmp
I am sad I can no longer get Arnold Palmer's at restaurants anymore But it looks like I can get an Arnold Embalmer now.
I bet you haven't heard this one before 53154
I unsubscribed from the official earthbending subreddit. Getting tired of all these Internet Toph Guys.
Wanna hear a short joke ? Wanna hear another one ?
Q: Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy? A: Because he only made a good buccaneer.
A friend confided in me about a peculiar birthmark on his butt. I told his secret to my friends for a laugh. I am Julian AssStrange.
What's a mass in your body that is really helpful? A cyst!
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery Now I don't know what he looks like.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Why did the man with acute bronchitis go on holiday? Because he had a wee cough
The doctor recommended cutting back on alcohol for a better quality of life. Then he saw my wife who had come to pick me up! He said, "You can consume all the drinks you want, it's healthy."
Attention Netflix and Chill has been replaced The new thing is Cookies and Dick...that is all
*walks up to bouncer* "sorry pal, this is a private country club" *peeks inside* [everybody's fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
What the difference between jews and harry potter Harry got out of the chamber alive
John buys binoculars and shows it to Bob. "Bob, this is the coolest thing ever. Last night I saw you doing you wife" You can return it, it's broken. Last night I was out of town
What do you call a woman with six kids? Lucy
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
At the school for the hearing impaired... ...no one can hear you scream!
My wife left me for a fisherman. Poor guy's still reeling.
What's the difference between Jews and Boyscouts? Boyscouts come back from camp.
Two black men and two white men walk into a police station The two white men walk out. Source: new girl
Who is the biggest slut in the whole wide world? Mrs. pacman. For 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died.
My new nickname at work should be "Laxative" cause I make sh*t happen.
What do you call a Mexican at the bottom of the ocean? Pollution. What do you call every Mexican at the bottom of the ocean? Solution.
Never date a baker They're too kneady
How do you organize a party in outer space? You planet.
How can you tell that Caitlyn Jenner was once a man? Because she's better at being a woman than most women are.
A Magician was driving down the street. Then he turn into a driveway.
A very busty woman whispers to me "I want you to tell me if these look real" my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I wish my grass was more emo. Then it would cut itself.
Why were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
How many cats? One.
Sports do not build character. They reveal it.
What do you call the first black guy elected to the White House? Precedent.
Last night I dreampt I was playing Kobe Bryant 1-on-1. I had him all lined up to block his shot ...and then he feinted.
So i worked at the USPS...I'm apparently not the "man" for the..... the sub its named for.
A man streaked passed two old women in the park... the first one had a stroke; the other missed
what's the difference between mean and morbid? mean: five children in one dustbin morbid: one child in five dustbins
My friend asked me what I thought about internet message boards. I said, I'm all forum.
why do you never see hippos hiding in trees? cause they're really fuckin' good at it
Where animal does Russian milk come from? moscows
Why can't your nose be twelve inches long? Because then it'd be a foot
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing
What is a Lumber-Jack from Massachusetts' favorite drink? A Boston Logger.
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
1985: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
The court was very accommodating handing Jared a fifteen year sentence. He'll even be able to take his girlfriend out for her 21st birthday.
[Spanish w/ translation] Cual es es la risa mas picante? Ahi Ahi Ahi Translation: What is the spiciest laugh? Pepper pepper pepper
Did you hear about the statistician that drowned? Apparently he tried crossing a river with an average depth of 4 feet.
Me: " *types in password*, Password Doesn't Work" ** OMG I'M HACKED**.... *oh wait... never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven't yet seen on Instagram.
Wanna hear my life story? tl;dr...
Did you hear the bus drivers story? Me neither i was on the back of the bus...
What kind of flooring does a Mexican fit? Underlay! Underlay!
Why did the tea-bag fall down the hill? To steep.
*waters flowers* *flowers die* *sprays weeds with poison* *weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If Google can't find the answer, it's not a question.
What did the redneck say when she lost her virginity? GET OFF ME DAD, you're crushing my cigarettes!
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
I'm the guy who asks for extra ketchup, notices he didn't get the extra ketchup, and says nothing further.
What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time? Uranus.
There's someone out there for everyone. Don't worry if you're alone, your true love is just having sex with someone else right now.
How do you get an iraqi woman pregnant? Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me... Tesicular cancer
Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it's my car. That's how that works, right?
[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
I want to meet the actors who get turned down to act in infomercials. Then I would ask them how their brother Alec Baldwin is doing.
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from feminists.
What did the sea say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
A black guy, mexican, and jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Get the fuck out."
What's up in the sky, oh so high? A baby falling out of an airplane.
My sleeping pills say don't mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
"Wanna Hear A Joke?" Women's rights
girl if we were pokemon you would be a pichu and i would be a raichu because im a convicted child molestor
Afghani drinking game for Cricket World Cup car bombs
What do you call a good looking Lebanese man? Azif
Don't cry because it's over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Whos jared fogles favorite outlaw... ...Billy the kid
Have you heard about the new female doctor who can cure illness with all natural, homeopathic remedies? Look her up! She just goes by the name, "Miss Information" Edit: source - South Park
I once met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds weird.... ...Dozen tit?
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit They're usually around 90 degrees
What's the best part of dating 28 year olds? There's 20 of them!
What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died? Well, that's the edamame.
I would make a sexist joke But that would be wrong, and being wrong is for women.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two but it's hard to get them in!
Note for Santa Dear Santa, Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.
I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.
Where does Ned Flanders pick up women? On OkilyDokilyCupid
I bet Dell Curry is not mad... he's just disappointed. Happy Fathers Day!
I just found out that a gay friend of mine is OCD He was the last person I expected to get upset about something not being straight.
What did the one llama say to the other before they went on vacation? ALPACA BAG
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water? Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
"And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo." (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar. They were followed by batman.
My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet... The black objects absorb more.
Why don't neo-nazis use the forward button on their browsers? Because they Alt-Right instead.
I think this is the weekend to finally tell my parents I'm straight.
Why do traffic lights turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
[Ouija board] Me: Demon? I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L Me: *your Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
So a mushroom walks into a bar.. And the bartender says "we don't serve your kind here". The mushroom responds "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
In bed I'm like Beethoven It's all over in three movements.
Who's the idiot who named the song 'The Sound of Silence' and not
What did the redneck say to his sister? Oooh yeah, baby!
I was at a barbecue party when a cow from a nearby farm charged me and chased me into a corner It was at that moment I realized my life was at steak
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother's non-alcoholic Mormon wedding. I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
An old Scottish joke. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt Disney.
My mom just took away my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about it.
What's black on the outside, green on the inside and can go through walls? Ghost avocado.
what did the faggot faggot the faggot? because faggot hahahaha
Have you heard that president Assad has been making cheese? He's been getting the Kurds out of the whey  (credit to Sambo85 - Sikipedia)
Whats Brown and... Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?   p  p
I have a friend named Scott who still forwards chain emails. As soon as I figure out what to do w/ the body I'll be Scott-free.
Whats the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic corn-husker? The epileptic corn-husker shucks between fits.
What is sharper, your butt-hole or your teeth? Butt-hole, because it can cut your shit.
What's the hardest part of the vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
Catholic Priests are taking one for the team... They're touching children, for Christ's sake...
Q: What does K-mart stand for? A: Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too
The USA condemns unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation.
Business was great last year. I made 6 figures. $2,784.93
My optometrist likes to make eye puns they keep getting cornea and cornea
Keep calm and stop making different versions of that "keep calm" poster.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They're your soulmate.
So a baby seal walks into a club ...
What do Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton have in common? They blew a seal.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.
I heard that comedians never tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre. The punchline is too long.
Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator!
99 problems and pizza solves every single 1
What did the hot dog vendor say at the World Trade Center? "Who ordered the two jumbos?!"
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
What do you give a canine seeking meaningless validation on the internet? Pupvotes
Bored, so I'm going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I'm her from the future.
7: I didn't do my homework Me: why not? 7: they told us to write about the new president Me: so? 7: you told me not to cuss
Do vegetarian cops... ....go on stakeouts?
Ever hear of that cat turned vegan because of its vegan owner? Probably not, she died.
If you're going to get in trouble for hitting someone, might aswell hit them hard.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT...My glasses r ruined
"Crocodile after awhile." - Yoda
To all you ladder manufacturers, I got something to tell you. Step it up!
We call our new maid Non Sequitur, ...because she's Latin and she doesn't follow.
Women! Can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.
What is the difference between a creep and a kid? I wouldn't let a creep sit on my lap.
Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
I finally figured out why Donald Trump married Melania... ...she came from ***YUUUUUUUUUUUUG***oslavia. ~~(thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week)~~
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out  of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.
Whenever I'm in doubt, I ask myself "What would Jesus do?" then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren't brilliant
I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick She's still not talking to me.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
How many ADHD sufferers does it take to... To get to the other si-- Knock knock.
My doctor told me I have the vitals of someone half my age. I have no idea how he found out, but now I'll have to kill him too.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You'd think SOMEONE could've let me know I was out of toilet paper.
What did the boys do ToGetHer? Roam And Tick things..
What's the opposite of Stephen Hawking? Stephen Talking.
Why are elephants gray? So you don't get them confused with blueberries.
I don't know if my ceiling is the  best ceiling, but it's definitely up there.
I have Electile Dysfunction Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.
Waiter: how do you want your burger? Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare
Money can't buy happiness... Poverty can't buy *Anything*
What did the fish say to the concrete wall? Dam!
Virgins in Paradise? Suck my balls, Al Qaeda; I got a jacuzzi full of sluts right here in Southern California.
Straight out of Gotham... This building, in the city I live in (in Tianjin, China) looks like it was taken straight out of Gotham City. http://imgur.com/j0RM7h3
A woman lost her wedding ring in Paris last night. I'm not talking about the one who deserved it.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !
"Mayo" is also an abbreviation for "mayonnaise!" Copyright 2010 Everyone on the Internet
So I heard my gf fart for the first time...she denied it But I had already decided earlier, I'd never argue with my imaginary gf.
"MY HERO!" "My hero." --Guy who got his sandwich stolen, then saved by a stranger
What do you give to a man who has everything? Penicillin
Why wouldn't the pimp water his lawn? He couldn't trust his hose.
The average speed of ejaculation is 28 mph. Which, unfortunately, makes it illegal to ejaculate in a school zone when children are present.
I created a new joke and a new word today Plagiarism
"Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo"--Where's Waldo Audiobook
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Lamborghini? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine
My background check bounced.
I agree that 6-pack abs are sexy - that's why I have 12 of them!
Since lesbians eat so much pussy Should they be considered sexually snacktive?
What's a pirate's favorite sexual partner? Can't legally consent because they're retarrrrrrrrded.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn't.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Pizza is like sex If you're going to use barbecue sauce, you need to know what you're doing.
Let's count to 10.000
Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead. The sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
There are only 10 sorts of people in the world  those who understand binary and those who don't.
Why are life long overweight people funny? Growing up they hear the best jokes.
What has 8 legs and 7 arms? Def Leppard
3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret "What it is, sweetie?" 3: [shouting] I POOPED! "Do you know what a secret is?" 3: [whispering] no.
Why can't there be a Santa Pig? Pigs don't fit in chimneys.
What do you get when a fat guy and a butterface have sex? A Burka! He covers his body, and she covers her face!
Did you hear about the discount rabbi for circumcisions? He'll take up to 10% off.
911 - wats ur emergency? - i got stuck in some magnets 911 - who are u? - Iron man
I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned... Priest texting me back: I already told you, I'm not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Donald Trump is not the sharpest tool in the shed but... ..he is the biggest.
Ab Muscles: You're having ANOTHER cookie? Brain: Yep! Ab Muscles: You're just never planning on seeing us again? Brain: Nope!
How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session? He felt dinosore.
Cutest joke ever What does a red grape tell a purple grape? Breathe, you idiot! Breathe!!
I adopted a highway. Don't tell anyone I said this, but I don't love him as much as I love my biological highways.
What is another word for Pokemon? A Rastafarian Proctologist
What does Batman do on Father's Day? He oh...
Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! Now he's toast
They didn't leave much room for new models when they called it the 'ULTRA-Sound'. "Mr Sutherland, I'll book you in for a Sonic-Boom"
What do Hillbillies do for Halloween? Pump kin
So a blind man walks into a bar... and a chair.... and a table....
What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week? The posters
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout "police emergency" and run away
What does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella for? Fo' Drizzle
What do you call it when a black person has diarrhea? Nigeria
How does a blonde call for her dog? She puts two fingers in her mouth and then shouts "Max!".
If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
Little brother told me this joke, genius. "Why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken?" -why "Because it kept saying "bok bok bok"
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender says "How did you do that?"
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was black...
Was out a drive with my dyslexic mate... I notice there's something not right. "Can you smell petrol?" I say "Smell petrol?! I can't even smell my name"
joke - ghost What did the ghost wearing sox say? Shhoooooooooooooeeeeeesss!! Shoooooooooooooooooose !
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up? Because if they slept with two legs up they'd fall over
Apparently, "My Dick" is the wrong answer to "What do you look for in a girl?"
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now its too offensive to talk about.
I don't believe you can become a successful bodybuilder without the use of supplements. There's just no whey.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
A communist tells his friend before going to bed, "I'm going to take a nap." He wakes up as a libertarian.
What happened when Hitler got bratwurst juice in his eye? He could Nazi! LMFAO
I grew up in Bolivia but I left because the currency is bullshit.
All my life I thought air was free... until I bought a bag of Chips!!!
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment  banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year? It didn't Snowden.
A mahogany boob... Would be pretty useless, wooden tit?
A recruit examines the food served to him  in the batallion dining room. - Do I have any choice here he asks a sergeant. - Yes you do. You may eat it or not.
Polls show some interesting things Statistics show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs? Methed up
If God is always watching... ...then one day, while masturbating, I'm gonna look that motherfucker straight in the eye and finish like a boss.
Carlsberg don't do Alzheimer's ... ... but they do make exceedingly good cakes.
Did you hear that Bjork covered a Lady Gaga song? It's called "Bjorn This Way".
I'm getting the band back together.... We're called New Direction.
Hey! I got a new job working in quality control at a knickers factory! I'll be pulling down about 800 a week.
Do you know why eggs are the only thing to laugh at 9/11? Because it's an inside yolk
When i apply to the job... Interviewer: So why do you want this job? Me: Well, I've always been really passionate about not starving to death.
For all the effort I put into faking it, I should really just start writing down the confirmation number at the end of a phone call.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we'll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
What did the dick say to the condom Go away, you make sex less pleasurable and have a higher than acceptable risk of breaking.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.
What did the Ents yell as they attacked Isengard? Ambush.
This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop... I can raise my cat any way I want to.
I use to know a classic rim shot joke, but...umm tiss
Doctor says my kid has some form of hereditary ADHD He explained it to me, but I didn't really listen.
Three old guys are out walking... Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming, like the people in his car
Why do Avon ladies walk funny? ..because their lipstick
Why did the artist put on a show of horse paintings? He wanted to mount an exhibit!
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod!
A man reported that his chickens had been stolen off his property Police suspect fowl play.
Have you read that new book on antigravity? It's hard to put down!
I love Nilla Wafers because who has time to say "Vanilla" in today's busy world?
A guaranteed way to make a hormone... Don't pay her...
What do you call a serial killer that rides a bike? A Cyclepath
Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.
Once, in 1998, I read a website's terms and conditions page. True story.
Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. On the one hand it is a great honour, but you dread the moment when you have to rise to perform.
Whats a hoes idea? A Thot.
Did you guys hear about the Italian chef who had food poisoning? He pasta way.
"We hug and kiss, but people just don't lick each other." -yet another lie I just told my toddler
Some days I think my mental health is coming along nicely, other days I'm vaguely jealous of turtles.
Test boast, please ignore. Mitochondria are better than yourtochondria.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung.
Why should you avoid sexual encounters with The Fonz? Because he has Ayyyds.
Shot my first turkey today. Scared everyone in the frozen meat department.
Why do 9 out of 10 bear moms prefer minivans over sedans? All the extra cubholders.
I'm starting a firing squad business Our motto is "we aim to please".
They say that nothing can be erased from the Internet... Except for Hillary's emails.
I'm giving up negativity for lent. We'll see how long that lasts. Edit: aware it should be pessimism. This is a serious quote from a friend who didn't realise what she'd said.
What do you call a Chinese Millionaire? Cha Ching
Cute things to call your girlfriend/boyfriend 1. Sugar 2. Honey 3. Flour 4. Egg 5. 1/2 lb butter 6. Stir 7. Pour into pan 8. Preheat to 350
I tried to make a robot that ate watches... but it was too time-consuming.
The French military suffered a major loss today... Their largest white flag factory burned to the ground.
How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon? Intersect it with a plane.
Always face somebody and make eye contact while talking... Especially when they attempt small talk at the urinal.
A(n atrocious) Knock-Knock Joke Knock knock! Who's there? Cop car goes "wee!" Cop car goes "Wee!" who...
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback
where does honey come from? beez nuts
How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? In Soviet Russia, lightbulb screws YOU!
Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.
The worst part about being molested as a kid is People think that you look cute, but in reality it is just afterglow
Million dollar idea: Invest $995,000 in a bank CD.
What do you call 1 white guy with 500 black guys The warden
I bet Taylor Swift still believes in Santa Claus.
My son asked me what it was like to be married I deleted all the music off his iPod except one song.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Life like potato... Only have one, then soldier come and take.
It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days. I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public.
What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."
I heard they are making Frozen 2.. ..I think they just need to let it go. My mom's funnies are rare and usually unintentional.
Engineers' view about a glass of water! To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
"THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME" - KANYE "THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND WEED" - WIZ "THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AT ALL" -B.O.B.
Two pretzels were walking down the street... ...One was a salted.
What do you call two beer drinkers arguing about sea turtles? Lager-heads at loggerheads about Loggerheads.
Two cannibals are eating a clown One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?" I decided to post this classic especially with the clown epidemic going on
My father always told me "The way to a woman's heart is... "...through her left breast."
I dont think I can be gay I just dont have it in me.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Michael Jackson is the epitome of the American Dream Only in America could a poor, black boy become a rich, white woman
Have you seen Jesus's abs?!! He must be doing that Cross-Fit workout!
I used to have a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.
Can the ninja throw his ninja stars? Shurikan
I have 6 mental illnesses Schizophrenia, OCD, ADHD, dislexia, anxiety, and hypochondria.
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas? He went to the Shell station.
What Moby Dick's fathers name? Papa Boner
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
What do you call a pair of identical twins who are stewardesses? Hostess Twinkies
I once saw a headstone that read "here lies a politician and an honest man." I wonder how they fit two people in one casket.
What was the aardvark's favorite Lady Gaga song? Just Ants. Credit: My friend, the PUNisher.
My grandfather had alzheimers...
If I ever ran a tobacco company... ... I'd name my cigarettes "heretics". So anyone could burn his own heretic every single day.
There once was a man named Dave... who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit, and missing one tit, but think of the money he'd save.
People who marry for money over love usually end up cheating for love over money!
I was going to write a novel but I may just print out all my tweets and dedicate it to my parents not loving me enough.
What do you call a gay farmer? A Jolly Rancher
Nice try, Clooney "wedding." I know a casino heist when I see one.
My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table. That's all the DNA test I need.
My cousin's shoe store burned down yesterday There were so many lost soles.
Keep scrolling... I got nothing!!
A parliament of owls, a murder of crows, a thatsso of ravens
Where do the Mexican truckers hang out? The guay station.
Why did the brother octopi look so alike? They were itentacle twins.
What's green with little red wheels? Grass. I was lying about the little red wheels. Missing my grandpa today. This was always his favorite.
You don't know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
toothbrush origin I suspect that the toothbrush was invented in the south,if it had been invented in the north, it would have been called a teethbrush
There are only 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
Who's winning Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game. "What's the score Gramps?" "92 to 86." "Who's winning?" I asked. "92"
Two Spanish historians believe that they've discovered the Holy Grail. Indiana Jones found it back in 1989, but they lost track of it.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? The "P" is silent
Welcome to Alzheimer's Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.
Whats Hitler's favorite type of joke A roast
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
A man and a doctor are talking... The doctor says "I have bad news. You have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Thank God I don't have cancer."
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
How do Japanese politicians say they got their positions? With erections.
What did Einstein eat as a baby? Formula!
Did you hear about the girl who gave out handjobs to electricians, plumbers, mechanic, you name it? She was a right Jack off all trades.
What do you call a manager that hasn't grown up yet? A kidager
[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision [me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god
So glad the new phone book arrived, because I hate texting the wrong number from the rotary phone in my Ford Model T.
Michelle Obama had an awesome speech tonight... I wonder how long we'll have to wait for Malinia Trump to steal it. The part about her black daughters will be awkward.
Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.
Three Nazis walk into a BAR They all get shot.
I don't always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding
british people say "maths" instead of math because they are big nerds who cannot be satisfied by a single math
How do you get the drummer off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.
What's the difference between Hitler and Keemstar? Hitler knew when to kill himself.
How often do lesbian gypsies get their hands read? Every 28 days or so.
Q: What's the strongest bird? A: A crane.
What's a Republican Congressman's favorite movie? Kill Bill
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Earth, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter were going to setup a party But they failed because nobody knew how to planet
what is the SEXIEST kind of tree??????? A COUNTRY!!!!
So I was wondering whether any of my friends could possibly teach me quidditch... ...and then I thought, "wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would".
her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep me: k her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
People of the world There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine. Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don't sip wine.
A foot fetish porn called "I think we got off on the wrong foot"
I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me.... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.
I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought 'thats just a spam'
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday I don't think they understood when I said " I wanna watch"
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
"Dammit. I had shit planned today." -- a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.
"Axe" is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My neighbor asked me to keep an eye on his house while he's out of town. I've already texted him "Your house isn't on fire" 42 times.
You know how you can tell if an Irishman has had too much to drink He walks into a bar
If you watch Jaws backwards... Its about a shark that throws up so many people, they have to open a beach
What if you woke up with amnesia and all you could remember was your Facebook password and you had to discover who you  were based on your statuses?
A friend of mine from Europe told me this beer joke What's the difference between American beer and sex in a canoe? Nothing. They're both fucking close to water.
How to celebrate 4/20 Guide your newborn son into becoming an evil dictator and slaughter most of the Jewish population.
sir this ouija board is broken, it keeps spellin stuff like 'wah hoo!' and 'lets a-go!' "hmm it looks like youve bought a luigi board, pal"
Due to its location South Africa doesn't experience full tide or low tide... it has apartheid.
I AM IRON MAN! the real one....
What's the best part about dating a homeless chick ? You can drop her off anywhere
A feminist asked for my name I said I'm Hugh Mungus
No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.
I went by the house I grew up in and went to the door and asked if I could take a look around. They said "no" and slammed the door in my face Parents can be real jerks
Of course I touch myself when I think about you It's called a face palm
"We met in church." Lies we tell kids.
I've spotted six Pokemon today but I don't have the Pokemon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] "OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?" *ducks try to play it cool*
What did the nihilist say to the physicist? Nevermind, it doesn't really matter.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy* 14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes* 18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol* 43yo Me: *sneaks candy* Being an adult is stupid.
A plane crashes and everyone dies.
Did you hear about the guy that got shot in the back of the head in a movie theater? He was sitting in front of pee wee herman.
Hey girl with 20,000 tweets and 14 followers, I'm guessing you should probably shut the fuck up.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
What frequency do police radios operate on? 100 niggahurts
I was going to commit seppuku the other day. But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.
"Hey, Cyclops." "Hey, Cyclops, are you still dating Jean?" "No, Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
Did you hear about that guy that broke his left arm and left leg? I heard he's all right now.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn't wanna talk about it right now.
When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.
My wife was fixing the caulk around our tub... Me: You should use some caulk softener to make that easier. Wife: Is that like a picture of your mom or something? (actual conversation)
I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
I always get teary when I become intimate with a girl, Any idea how to deal with pepper spray?
What do you call an avid gardener? Herb
Why was 6 afraid of 7? I have a flesh-eating disease, and it's slowly killing me.
Cinnabon got it right with the whole selling cinnamon rolls all day thing.
Why was the man allergic to Christmas? Because it's the reason for the sneason.
I wish my wife worked at Subway Maybe then she would make me a sandwich.
Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace. 
I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book it cost me a fortune in postage stamps
Gravity Maxim Trow yourself from the building and catch from the boardwalk!
A table walks into a bar and says... Drinks are on me!
A customer asked me to check their balance. ...so I pushed them over and they fell.
I've mathematically figured out how many upvotes it takes to get to the front page. Answer inside. [score hidden]
Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight... Live longer, than the men, that mention it.
I was in a band.. called "Missing Cat". You might have seen our posters.
A hungry college student saw a poster reading "Humanitarians of the World meeting tonight. Free food," and decided to attend Upon arrival, he was promptly killed, skewered, roasted, and eaten.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[Dinner with GFs parents] *Does shadow puppet of a bird* "Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?" Um *smooths tie* I'm unemployed
Never make fun of fat girls with lisps... They're thick and tired of it.
There are two types of people in this world Those who can make an assumption based on a previous statement
What we've learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.
I asked my German professor... ..."can you tell me how many credit hours of German this school offers?" She replied, "nine." "Well, thanks anyways," I said.
Thank god we don't send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
How do you get 4 gay guys to sit on 1 bar stool? Flip it upside down.
911 what is your emergency? Me: "My 6 year old hasn't stopped talking since he got home" 911: "stay calm ma.. Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING
What do you get if you cross a Green Lantern, a car and an atheist? Willing suspension of disbelief.
How many South Dakotans does it take to go ice fishing? Four. One to cut the hole in the ice and three to push the boat through.
Why did the doctor go the furniture store? Because he needed a stool sample.
I heard they finally updated the Encyclopedia of Chronology It's about time.
If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your pic, you're buying drinks for me until you do.
"I missed you today." "Awwww I missed you too." *both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Knock Knock Who's there? Doorbell salesman!
If honey bees make honey, what type of bees make milk? Boo bees...... My dad just told me this one
A game I bought my Pokemon-Go playing friend caused her to have a brief panic attack. In hindsight, the latest Counter-Strike probably wasn't a good idea...
Why do gay men float? Flambuoyancy
You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it's not all pixelated looking down there?
Q.Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory? A. She kept throwing out all the W's.
Sexist double Standard: "If a girl fucks a ton of guys, she gets called a slut..." But if a guy does that same, he gets called a homo.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm the world champion in false modesty. ^^^^^Yes, ^^^^^I ^^^^^know ^^^^^I ^^^^^already ^^^^^posted ^^^^^this, ^^^^^but ^^^^^the ^^^^^title ^^^^^got ^^^^^"AutoCorrected"
Why don't Jewish men go down on their wife? Because it's too close to the gas chamber
I saw this heartwarming video of baby bears climbing out of a dumpster and thought, "Who would throw away a perfectly good baby bear?"
What do you get when you eat too much shitty pizza? Pizzeria
The genius and the pool player A genius walks into a bar and says, "I have 200 IQ!" The pool player replies, "I have an eye cue too!" and pokes the genius in the eye.
What do you call an elderly vampire? Grampire.
What's the difference between yogurt and America? Yogurt could develop a culture after 200 years
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer
Where do llamas go on vacation? Alpacapuco
Omg! Leonardo DeCaprio! Wanna hear a joke about the Oscars? Never mind, you probably won't get it anyways...
I was really moved by The Great Gatsby. Specifically, to the theater showing Iron Man 3.
How to be cool: A) use cool sunglasses emoji in everything B)
God doesn't play dice well, that's what he tells Mrs God.
My best friend is so white she pays for her kid's school lunches.
What do a Harvard lawyer and a Yale lawyer have in common? They both got accepted to Yale.
My cat refuses to approach strangers. He's such a pussy.
What do you give a sick bird? A tweetment
What do Jedi sheep sound like? Dagobah.
So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda... Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!
What goes ooooooo? A cow with no lips. ;) ;) ;)
Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.
Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don't give you all my money you'd have no problem watching me die.
Momma always told me that women are like chocolates... The ones with the cherries are better.
What did the french butter say when it got stocked in the cooler? Beurre... I came up with this today while grocery shopping. I'm ridiculously pleased with myself.
My son is suspended? Yes, in-school suspension. So he goes to school? Yes, but he's suspended. Suspended IN THE SCHOOL? Yes. Idiot.
they say penguins mate for life, but that's bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
"i never metadata i didn't like" -NSA
I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
What's a policeman's favorite gaming console? Wii-U, Wii-U, Wii-U!
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
ATTENTION : All position for stupid people in my life ,have been filled ,no more applicants need apply. Thank You !
What do you call a whirlpool in a church? Holy water!
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.
How many grammar mistakes does it take to piss off your English teacher? not alot. (Just thought of it, tell me what you think :) )
I sleep better naked...why can't the flight attendant understand this?
Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane? Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...
I heard about this one place with red signs that thanked drivers for slowing down... ...but when I drove by, everything was blue.
Wait, you didn't let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don't speak German.
I'm moving to Ottawa and opening a gym. I'm gonna call it Capital Gainz.
I was forced to put my grades up for adoption I just couldn't raise them
Have you ever been to an Istanbul nightclub? I hear they're poppin' and a good place to get wasted!
It's about time I talked to the boy about the birds and the bees. If memory serves, it's the stork that delivers and the swallow receives?
Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I said "Hell no. I don't want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home."
What do you call a group of elephants? A pack o'derms
If you don't like my opinion of you  improve yourself!
All the toilets in the city have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
My Dad just had a stairlift installed in the house. Its driving him up the wall.
I have a wig, I have an orange, ugh Donald Trump
My sister would make a great politician... ...she avoids directly answering questions and always leads the blame to someone else, whether she has proof or not.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us! -if bras could talk
So Hillary Clinton logs into her e-mail [deleted]
What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question? ...
A black guy walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder The bartender then says "Well that's special, where did you get it?" "Africa" says the parrot
Know what her cervix and a plate glass patio door have in common They both make her eyes light up when you run into them.
My wife ran away with my best friend... My wife ran away with my best friend. I don't know the guy, but he made me a huge favor so I consider him my best friend.
The most perfect method to say the perfect punch-line. /pnt.lan/ assuming of course you know how to read "phonetic transcription".
Why is wheat a hillbilly grain? X/post from r/funny Because its inbread
Let's stop listing pagers on that list of electronic devices that should be turned off.
Damn girl are you playboy magazine? Cause holy fuck you have a pile of issues
Girl, do you want some good sex? Me- Girl, do you want some good sex? Her- No! Me- Then you came to the right guy
If you don't think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
What do you call a crazy guy in a room full of mosquitoes? A bit neurotic.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus] excuse me, can you slide over so I ca- "NO, there's no room"
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogy in it!
I'm so poor I'm taking a vacation on Google Street View this year.
What did a disappointed Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he fished up a Salmon? "IT'S NOT A TUNA!!!"
So I was walking down the street the other day, and saw this black guy... carrying a tv. At first I thought, "Hey, that looks like mine!" But then I remembered mine is at home shining my shoes.
Judge: Order in the court [from the back] Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with... [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Where do onions wrestle? Onion rings.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
Remember when OJ Simpson was found innocent and all of us white people hit the street looting and damaging property?! Oh, that's right, we didn't...
Muffins are just cupcakes that will never get laid.
There are 0000 0010 people in the world..... Those who get it, and those who dont
I have trained a cup full of meal-worms to give me sexual pleasure... ...I'm a master baiter
Where do Tumblr users go to pray? The Cis-Teen Chapel
Whats the difference between Peanut butter and Jam? You can't Peanut Butter a dick up your ass.
What are the most common 3 words used all around the world? Made in China.
If I haven't said something mildly offensive today I'm sorry and I promise to try harder
What's the worst part about dumping a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
The American flag Red with blood Blue with tears White with privilege
Google changed to Alphabet Mostly alpha, not making it to bet-
I've been reading a book about anti-gravity. Man, I just can't put this thing down.
How do you deal with ignorant people? I really don't know.
People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about  them.
Coffee is the silent victim in our house... It gets mugged every day.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I'll tell you what I know about midgets... Very little
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*takes a picture of food for Instagram* Food: delete it
She just didn't get that i was into fish. Geez
Why was 6 afraid of 11? Because 11 snaps people's necks with her mind.
What is Yoda's last name? Layhehoo
Why did Thor file a police report? Because someone stole his thunder
If a man holds the car door open for a women, then you know that one of the two is new.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
My european friend Opee is opening up a restaurant where he claims to have the 'worlds best pizza'. His restaurant is in the middle of no where, but don't worry Opee Delivers
I told my friend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high... she looked surprised.
Why was the Trail of Tears so hard on the Native Americans? It's not easy to hike a trail when you're always falling down drunk.
If you drop your pants for a "surprise checkup" and hear your doctor's belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I  saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
A mexican magician says to the audience he will dissapear on the count if 3 Uno...dos...*poof* He disappeared without a tres
10 reasons why doctors use defibrillators... Number 4 will shock you!
Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? They don't believe in higher powers.
What do you call a bird who wants to have a different personality? An alter eagle!
In Chinese culture the great wall represents true longevity. It's the only thing from China that lasts more than a few weeks.
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
How to bring pacman to life Scratch your head and think of the Wakas. Soon you'll see pacman while brushing your teeth.
I put on a pretty expensive perfume and went into an Apple Store Everyone enjoyed; it is good they don't have any Windows.
Hear about the blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus Burned her lips on the exhaust pipe
A skeleton walks into a bar and says... "Give me a beer and a mop."
Few things stress me out as much as a waiter who doesn't write the order down.
What's the difference between a Redditor and an egg? Eggs get laid only once
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
Two ghosts walk into a bar... They don't say ow.
NSFW What is the noisiest thing in the world? Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
What did the dog bring to party? Wooffies!
Turtles think frogs are homeless.
Why was 56 scared? Because 28 8 1.
If cats could talk, they would talk a lot of shit, I bet.
With everything going on at reddit you would think that Pao would at least regreddit :)
A girl asked me if I was into anal sex... I said I've never tried it, but I figure it'd be fucking shit.
How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy'  Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril!'
Why do some race drivers hate wet tracks? Because the water is a distraction.
When an American says, "You do the math," you should also offer to assist him in his grammar.
Damn I hate this time of year I just get so damn Claustrophobic
Did you hear about the blind man walking past the fishmonger's? "Hello ladies"
Top 10 inappropriate songs to sing at a children's karaoke party; 10 - Sometimes When We Touch
It's like my pet hippo doesn't even realise it's my pet. DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Man drowned in Muesli Got pulled in by a strong currant
Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
What do amputees and cricket have in common? Stumps
I was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way. I mean how the fuck do they fit a rucksack on a cow?
A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar... Or a hospital.... Or possibly a church.
Why do molluscs only think of themselves? Because they're shellfish
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Did you hear they came out with a drink called the Osama Bin Laden? It's two shots and a splash of water.
A hamburger walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
I'm coming out with a new type of whiskey called cunt... So when someone asks me what i want to drink I'll yell cunt liquor.
What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes? Get a small hankie!
People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.
If George Raft's wife gave birth to twin Gorillas would they be the Apes of Raft?
Did you hear about the Georgia  accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?
N F L THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE IS CONSIDERING EXPANDING NEXT YEAR BY ADDING A PRISON TEAM
What do you call a TV award an Italian mobster cheated to win? Rigatoni
I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies.
Just bought a sweet British accent off of Daniel Craig's List.
If you are following Facebook on Twitter, you have reached a new level of retarded.
What does a feminist doorbell say? Stop-oppressing-me
It's called "personal grooming" as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
What kind of concert costs 45cents? 50cent feat. Nickelback
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. "Hitler's haircut is literally the worst," she writes. "Also he's mean."
Why was Jared Fogle upset? Because he was sentenced to over 15 years in prison.
My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying. Onions was a great dog.
When you're in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think "THEY'RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I'LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED"
I've just bought a film on DVD about a prisoner that finally gets parole. I've waited years for it to be released.
4yo doctor visit: Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I'd rather he play with mud. Me: .. Wife:.. Me: where do u download mud?
My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology So I put her in my new smart fridge
I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting bigger... then it hit me!
How does an Old lady vagina feel? ever fed a pony?
My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me
Best thing about being a hermit? No peer pressure.
How many ADD/ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
A movie theater near me closed down they didn't meet projections
It's crazy how quick women are to cut each other's throats over a guy! I mean I'd understand if it were shoes....but a guy???
What'd be worse? Zombie apocalypse or Facebook shutting down and 500 million retards all of sudden using twitter?
My vocabulary is so poor... I can not express it in words.
What's dumber than a box of rocks? The hippie carrying it. What's dumber than that? The yuppie buying it. What's dumber than that? The box of rocks
Welcome to my garden of actors And on your left, we have the Benedict Cucumber Patch
Has 2 wings but doesn't fly, Has 2 eyes but doesn't see, has 2 legs doesn't walk, what is it ? A Dead bird
Why can't I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I like my coffee like I like my women... ...in two enormous cups.
I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
Don't you just love whiteboards? They're remarkable.
Why did the sand dune blush? Because the sea weed
Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
I love avocados in my salad I would go buy some right now, but I don't have a car doe
What do you call a starfish with a missing arm Patrick Stump
Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
Did you hear about the man who opened a yacht showroom? Sales went through the roof.
Female Viagra Why has it taken so long to get a female version of Viagra? They couldn't get the women to agree on the color for the pill.
Ya know what usually happens when I get naked in the bathroom? The shower gets turned on.
I love playing "Army men" with my Girlfriend I just lay on the ground an she blows the hell outta me
Have you ever tried duck sausage? Why don't you duck on down and get you some?
There Are Three Types of People in the World People who are good at math and people that aren't
what is the mods favorite joke? [deleted]
I think that bisexual girls should just call themselves more-or-lesbians.
Three guys walk into a bar... John Wick kills them with a pencil. A fucking pencil.
Why can I never be a doctor? Because I don't have any patients
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Elliott Smith... Wouldn't know heartache if it stabbed him in the chest.
My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
Walls are just sober floors.
"As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?" MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he's getting rid of China
How do you start making big bucks? With a little doe
What is a Jewish dilemma Free ham
Why your fingers have spaces in between? nothing!why? would you like it to be very close to each other. You're not a duck!
A man is getting head from his wife... ...and tells her that he wants to cum in her ear. "I'll go deaf!" she says. "Yeah? Well I always cum in your mouth, but you never shut the fuck up!"
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.. heh
What do you call obnoxious almonds? DEEZ NUTS!!! HA! GOT EEM!
What is a favorite film for an average girl? Mean Girls
What do you call transgender superheroes? X-Men.
I found the secret to getting fresh content on the front page. I turned my laptop off and opened Reddit on my phone. Boom, all blue links on my front page again.
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with Diarrhea? The farmer has the fits while he shucks.
What do you call a Jamaican who wears glasses? Rastafoureyes
Why does heaven have such great wifi? Because of all the cloud space.
TIL that there is a subreddit dedicated to praising Nancy Grace for her contributions to modern medical science. LOL! Not really, no. She is a bad person, and should feel bad.
I'm jealous of Santa... ...he can yell "hoe hoe hoe" at anyone and get away with it.
I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation. Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis. But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?
Can you name a grateful astronomer? How about Neil Degracias Tyson?
[1st date] HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u? ME: OMG SAME HER: What part's ur fave? ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Why was the Pedophile's movie rated PG-13? It only had minor nudity.
Why did the man cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
Why can't Stevie Wonder read? Because he's black.
C'mon, I can't be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Kind of cruel that "stutter" has two syllables.
Before I die, I'm putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames. My grand children will be so pwned.
Movie Law: All computer hackers have to say "We're in" when they get into "the system"
What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson? One of them got shot for touching a kid.
My brother has muscular dystrophy and we got into an argument about religion I told him his argument is just as valid as his legs.... Weak.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
Why don't feminists carry handguns? Because of the triggers
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night... So I said I had a headache.
A guy walks into a bar the punchline doesn't matter because the real joke is always in the comments.
So I met a girl named Tennessee I said to her, "You're a ten, I see!" And that's how I blew it with the hottest girl in the world.
My wife's cooking is so bad.... We pray to God after the meal
I hate having to go to the Starbucks 2 blocks away cuz of the horrible dates with all the baristas at the Starbucks 1 block away.
How does a man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it
Chuck Norris strikes again Chuck Norris has counted the number of atoms in the universe... **thrice**
How do you make soup from a computer? It's easy; just throw in a couple of Boolean cubes.
are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?
It's your first time when you high af and you could feel the earth rotating faster than usual... in the opposite direction.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
What kind of bee produces milk? A BOOBEE!
My Life Sucks... Because my wife doesn't.
Deep After stewing in his emotions, emo veg comes to the conclusion that the root of the world's problems is that people don't seem to carrot all.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl with one hand. It's 42.
When I was young, I stopped believing in Santa despite massive peer pressure. You could say I was a rebel without a Clause.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snow balls.
DON'T BREATHE! Studies show that 100% of humans that have died have inhaled oxygen at least once in their life.
I guess you can say trusting a Russian merchant is pretty... Roosky business
I'd try Taco Bell's breakfast but I don't start drinking that early.
Why cant Miss Piggy count to 100? Every time she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.
The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If you believe binoculars are overrated, then look no further.
What is the KKK's favourite football (soccer) club? Blackburn
Crazy ex's are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog
My religious, conservative upbringing taught me that poor people are lazy and the rich are giving. Real life taught me the opposite.
If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.
There are three kinds of people on this earth. Those who can count ... And those who can't.
A man comes to the infodesk in a mall And says: "Sorry, I seem to have lost my son in the mall, can I make an announcement on your PA system?" "Oh, sure" The man leans towards the mike: "I'm vegan"
Why can't Chinese people eat Swans? They don't have a Pitchfork. (This is a music reference joke)
More men have been enrolling in domestic violence support groups than ever If you can't beat em, join em
If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.
My exercise routine is a running joke.
Rabbit: I got kicked out of my cage for not  paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I'm all out of carrots. What should I do? Friend: Don't worry; be hoppy!
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I found the one When I saw her my knees got weak and my vision got blurry. That's when I realized I drunk the wrong glass.
I have Capri Sun and pudding in my fridge which proves I'm four or poor.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn't do what I wanted.
What is Snoop Dogg's favorite weather? Drizzle
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym] "The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day."
How did the Italian die? Talking while driving.
My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.
Oh you sneaky little bastard! [Link to the joke.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ei9ie/the_best_joke_i_know/)
new instagram notification - Girl Who Actually Secretly Hates You Commented 'omg literally why are u so perfect'' On Your Photo!
In response to /u/WisestAirBender, "Backwards" is also a palindrome. "Backwards" spelled backwards is "Sdrawkcab", which is still backwards.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn't my problem
90s kids won't get this... Social Security benefits.
Wife:Stop watching porn Wife: (shouting) Stop watching porn, I can hear it in the kitchen . . . . . Husband: . . . . I'm not, it's Sharapova vs Serena... I'm watching tennis....
3 Steps to being a good Programmer 1. Avoid recursion 2. Repeat steps 1 and 2. 3. Always have an exit condition. 4. Beware of being off by one.
I don't have bad posture, my body's just sad.
Why didn't the monster use toothpaste?  Because he said his teeth weren't loose.
Why do Ethiopian women give the best blowjobs? You know they'll swallow
What was the name of the hobbit who went to get frozen yoghurt? Froyo Baggins.
I had a race with an Asian today... It was a Thai
Youtube is the only place where you'll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
1 in every 5 dolphins is a method actor.
Why did the lizard take viagra? He suffered from a reptile disfunction.
Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.
This year, measuring your accomplishments against Lindsay Lohan's will ensure you feel like a winner merely for avoiding the penal system.
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who get binary and those who don't.
How do you differentiate a basic bitch from a bad bitch? You pour phenolphthalein on her and watch it turn pink.
Innkeeper: The room is $45 per night. It's $35 if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Everyone around me is obsessed with finding true love. All I want is a girl who will laugh at my jokes.
Loyalty Test... Wife buys 12 underwears of same color for hubby.. Hubby- Why same color sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear. Wife- Which people Total silence...
make it a double A woman walks into a bar. The bartender asks her what she wants. "I'll have an entendre," she says. "Make it a double" So he gave it to her.
What do a 9 volt battery and a hot chick's asshole have in common? You know you shouldn't but you are going to put your tongue on it eventually.
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes 1 to screw it in, and 99 to tweet about it.
What do you call an unfinished inflow of money? Incomplete.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles. Fly is dead.
Why did the gay guy cross the road? Because he is gay and the people on the other side of the road hate him and asked him to leave.
Mike Tyson refuses to play on any Playstation... He is an Ex-Boxer.
i went to a seafood disco once... And I pulled a mussel.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I'm like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Give a man a fish.. C'mon..give it... bad doggy..
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
"Lets all start wearing weird '90s mom jeans!" - girls now
What type of pasta is most likely to cheat for a musical award? Rigatoni
What do you get when you cross a regular potato and a sweet potato? A tater tot.
Found out the paper in my favorite jeans is made from hemp. Hashtag Hashtag
*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn *later* Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
If Chile and Turkey had a war... Would that be a recipe for disaster? Would Greece get involved?
What did the Criminal call his new pretzel company? Assault and Buttery
"When fat people finish eating their Popsicles, let's punish them with the taste of death." --the creator of the wooden Popsicle stick
Guys, what are your favorite "I'm going to hell for this" jokes? Here's mine: What do you call a dead Mexican? Dearly deported.
I don't agree with all the critics towards priests nowadays. They are actually the only ones who slow down with their car when near a school.
What's the similarity between Chris Brown being released and Pokemon Go being released? An increase in battery cases.
Congratulations! You successfully delivered that bell with no chips or chunks of it breaking off. Please see us to receive your... No Bell Piece Prize
what did Freud say about an algebraic equation? What you do to one side, you must also do to your mother
So from now on I believe in talking bears until someone can logically explain how that Ted scene just happened on the #oscars
How was copper wire invented? 2 jews fighting over a penny.
Why would the Holocaust have failed if the victims were Islamic? Because it would have been impossible to get a Muslim to take a shower.
My preferred method of birth control is "mood-killing repetitive DVD menu."
If a flea and a fly pass each other what time is it? Fly past flea.
The difference between the middle finger and the fourth finger I use my middle finger to say fuck you to you.. My wife uses my fourth finger to say fuck you to me
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered six offender.
If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you I'd start thinking about you.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
One time I saw a biker's funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My wife saw an ad in a window Which said "tampons 50cents" Is that true, she asked the shopkeeper... Very true, he said...."no strings attached"
I lost my job as a massage therapist. Apparently, I rub people the wrong way.
What do you call 20 niggers in the emergency room? Family reunion They even brought a bucket of KFC
How do you eat a DNA spaghetti? With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)
Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.
Gay jokes aren't funny... ...I mean, come on guys.
Rules for rap battling Eminem: 1. Do not let Eminem go first. 2. Do not let Eminem go second.
What is a dog's favourite Easter treat?  Jelly bones!
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak.
Knock Knock, Islam Knock Knock Who's there? Allah Allah who? Allah who ackbar!!!! ***BOOM***
My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says "Recalculating".
Why do prison guards use Proactive all the time? So they can prevent breakouts.
People who change the channel every time there's a commercial are more annoying than commercials.
Why was Darth Vader so ugly? Because he had sithilis.
Nowadays these adverts don't even make sense. The other day I saw this advert that said. The mother of all broadband! Virgin.
(SPOILERS) I guess you could say Tommen... Made a King's landing.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap... Guy: doctor, I've been hearing voices. Can you help? Doctor: I'll try to diagnose but I can clearly see your nuts
What's the difference between you and a rooster? A rooster says "cock-a-doodle-do" You say: "any cock will do!"
When someone is absolutely positively sure they're right about something is when I'm absolutely positve they're completely full of shit.
I'm going to by a bunch of those stick figure decals and randomly ad family members to the windows of unattended vehicles.
So I released a new cook book in the oriental side of town. It's called *101 ways to wok your dog*
If you have to ask if something is racist, it's probably racist. If you insist something you've said is not racist, it's probably racist.
Just got a great deal on some bottled water. The store was having a liquidation sale.
So this morning my fiance rolls over and says ,"honey I think I have a fever this morning." To which I reply, "pics or didn't happen."
Two women are sitting quietly...
Is it just me or does the name Elon Musk sound like a cologne brand my grandpa would wear?
Business Idea: Audio books for deaf people
You ever click a link thinking you're going to get a free iPad, but all you get is a million emails? No? Yeah, me either.
I accidentally swallowed a turntable needle. Good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened
I Heard that the Afterlife in Greek Mythology was Pretty Boring. I wonder why Hades didn't liven things up a bit.
Statistically, 1 in 5 of The Jackson's are Randy.
Dr: I'm giving u a proton-pump inhibitor Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER? D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
What is the name of the event in which Hillary supporters move out of the US? A start.
A banker broke up with his girlfriend... He lost interest.
I don't take my shirts to the dry cleaners. If I want to look sharp, I pay the iron price.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I'm a special person who cares deeply about some things & I'm freaking 'cause that's SO me
What do you call Whoopi Goldberg after sex? A Whoopi pie.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If you watch tape from The Ring you die in 7 days unless you copy it and show it to someone else. So what happens if you put it on Youtube?
I'm always Frank with my partners. I don't want them knowing my real name now do I?
A nerdy pastry chef walks up to the girl he likes and says 'your beauty is infinite. . . . . . . just like Pi.'
I thought I saw someone I knew putting up Rick Santorum posters but I couldn't get a propaganda at him.
How do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef
What did Justin Bieber's biggest fan say to him when they met? nothing, hes a fan.
A prostitute got a tramp stamp It said "tips appreciated"
A girl wants to go to the concert... She asked her dad for his permission, and he said, "no, but you can buy the album, and that's vinyl."
Why was the table pissed at Jesus? Because he looked a little cross.
My relationship with my cat is like that of a married couple. Basically we fight a lot and never have sex.
Whats the difference between a jew and a boyscout? The boyscout comes home from camp
I'm returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful. "Sir, that's a loofah." Oh. I'm returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
What do you call an Indonesian shoe factory that just had air conditioning installed? A sweatstop.
You are so dimwitted even the blackhole night sky looks brighter than you.
I couldn't afford a vacation in Mexico, so I watched the Spanish channel all day and ate some undercooked chicken.
I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalk For keeping me off the street.
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three  times a day ? After a week he was spotless !
A blind man walks into a bar... Table and a chair.
What happens when a university math professor and a high school math teacher get it on? Calculust
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW Dress her up as an altar boy.
What do you call a web developer who enjoys finding bugs in the system? A spider
RT if you think it's sad when people use social media in an obvious attempt to feel something, anything. RT if you disagree.
Why do feminists hate Apple? Because they're not PC.
One for the school kids this morning. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Elephino.
A guy broke into my apartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..
When I think of a good tweet in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.
People keep telling me to start thinking for myself... I'm not sure what they want me to think about.
Cw: you have a call holding M: put it in my voicemail Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent M: hiiii this is Jennifer
How do dogs do business? Pro-bono
*shows up to date with broken nose* "What happened?" Hurt myself playing football "How?" Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My 5 y/o's best Knock Knock joke yet Knock knock Who's there? Monkey balls Monkey balls who? Don't you mean monkey *bars*?
My sense of humor is so sophisticated... ...it's not even funny.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never had a lentil all over my chest.
What do you call A Tale of Two Mosquitoes?  A bite-time story.
Veterinarian- You're here to discuss your dog's salivation? Me- No. My dog's a good dog, he'll go to Heaven! I'm here about his slobbering.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can't smell their breath.
The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week. The pilot was sick.
Did you know President Obama can run around the White House in 11:00? It would be a record, but Bush did 9:11.
How do you get a full grown elephant on to the subway? You take the "S" out of "Sub", and then you take the "F" out of "Way".
My best friend was talking to me about proposing to his girlfriend. I'm not sure though, she's not really my type.
How do you stop a Polish tank? Shoot the guy that's pushing it
What did the elephant say? When he lost his penis.
The best part of the Grammys was Justin Bieber not performing
Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?
I quit Reddit.
I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet? Precubescent
Him: let's play a game of rhyme. I'll go first. Romantic Me: Panic Him: Fun Me: Run Him: love Me: shove Him: this isn't going well. Me: hell
I don't do cocaine I just like the smell
My 7yo has a friend over and I'm pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.
What do you call a nun in a wheel chair? Virgin mobile
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day* Her: You eat too much candy, you're going to make me a widow Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Why do Asian woman have small breasts? Because her parents accept nothing less than an A.
Saw a man selling umbrellas in the rain today. He ironically was umbrella-less. When I asked him why, he replied: "Man, I don't stay dry off my own supply."
Me: I said no cookies! 4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia! Me: How'd you get amnesia? 4yo:.. Me:.. 4yo: I don't remember. Me: Well played..
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs in the code. Take one down, patch it around 117 little bugs in the code.
Getting ready to ask my black friends what finna ax means.
Can we just hold the power button down on America and see if that fixes anything?
Why was the dolphin depressed? He felt he had no porpoise in life
Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants
Why didn't Spider-Man's enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone's probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.
First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a t-rex] Her: I absolutely love it when guys open the car door for me Me: Shit.
What do you call a Roman transvestite? Ben-Her.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face. #watersportsgate #goldenshower
It's like Grandma used to say, "All men are hilarious, until you marry one."
Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
What do you call an Arab with a hammer on his head?
[at interview] INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you? ME: Peter Piper. INTERVIEWER: What does he do? ME: It's difficult to say.
Why is it easier for women to shave "downstairs" than men? They don't have to go through as many obsticles.
Air Conditioning is pretty cool
What do you call a bunch of stereotypical Americans running? Nothing, it never happens.
Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket? Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
Why was 6 afraid of 10? Because 10 was in the middle of 9,11...
What did the P say to the R? "Is that a strap-on?"
Some people's decisions are based in fear, others are based in beer.
I don't know what to I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape I don't even have a home anymore. Definitely time for a new keyboard.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[team tryouts] Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park. Jimmy: Thanks Coach! Coach: This is tennis.
8y:thank you for the present grandma ....: no need.. 8y: that's what I thought too but mum said I have to
[getting fired from NASA] Is it because I kept saying "Technically we're already in space?"
Three types of people... There are three types of people in this world. Those who are odd, and those who literally can't even.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They go through 50 stories in just a few seconds.
I tried explaining to my girlfriend how hard it is to pee with a boner... Now she stands in the bathroom naked just to make it harder
Why don't you want a turkey at your thanksgiving dinner? Because it'll gobble up everything.
People who say "the waiting is the hardest part"... ...have never used Viagra
A violist and a cellist were standing on a  sinking ship together. "Help!" cried the cellist "I can't swim!" "Don't worry" said the violist "just fake it."
Of course I like you, which is why I have to act like I don't like you so you'll know how much I like you.
A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece ofcelery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.
Why did the storm trooper get an iPhone? He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for
"The limo is broken"... Said the limo driver who looked like a person but darker colored
A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand... and says, "Make me one with everything."
Why did the bar owner by a diamond mine get arrested? He attributed to the delinquency of a miner.
Santa Hates Blonds Why did the blond slap Santa? He kept saying "Ho Ho Ho" *dum roll - rim slap*
"Jill look out the window..." "...there's a horse in our yard." "No Jack, it's not a horse, it's a cow!" "I said look out the window, not in the mirror!"
I tried committing suicide once... never doing that again, I almost killed myself.
This joke is like a party without any demand for fruit juice. There is no punch line.
What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down? Crumbs!
GUY 1: Why can't we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.
How are girls and jokes alike? They both tend to suck more the more strung-out they get.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 explodes.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats ?  In the croakroom !
You heard about the new Jewish designed car? It stops on a dime... &amp; picks it up.
So a sandwich... So a sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here."
What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99? You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
How much force does it take for the Carolina Panthers to lose a Playoff game. One Newton
A recent archeological dig was finished at historic Stratford-upon-Avon They found many typewriters and many, many, more monkey skeletons
Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college
Technically When is a computer like a blonde? When it goes down on you as soon as you turn it on.
"That's a sexy little outfit you're wearing," I said. "I bet you want my cock in you." "Dave," my wife said, "do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?"
He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He's a serial killer named Terrence Fishman & he plans to kill you Monday
What do you do if you see a blue banana?  Try to cheer it up.
What did the hungry dyslexic order at the movie theater? Cop porn * This is probably already a joke but I'm experiencing a huge coffee crash so it was hilarious to me.
[15 years ago] Mom: Use protection. I'm too young to be a nana [Now] M: I'll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My son asked me what it is like to be married.. So I deleted all the music on his ipod except for 1 song.
A Jewish kid asks his father for sixty dollars. The father replies "FIFTY DOLLARS??? What the heck to do you need forty dollars for??"
Why did the TV execs decide not to create a new reality show about philosophers? Because it would only be for a Neitzsche audience
Food has replaced sex in my life. I can't even get into my own pants.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"
Have you heard about the gay bees with allergies? They come out in hives.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we're an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
<Tries to plow the road> Road: I have a boyfriend.
Why did the ocean take a bath? It had a sandy bottom.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.
Where do boxers punch each other the most? In the ring.
Why was Jesus so ripped? because he did crossfit...
Who was the most famous ant scientist ? Albert Antstein !
The iPhone 7 is water-resistant, has stereo sound and a better camera but it doesn't have that one feature that I want: affordability.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment. I wouldn't recommend it.
Gaining weight from drinking so much water? Drink lighter fluid
folks this is your captain, we're reaching an altitude of 69,000ft. the plane can't fly this high so we're gonna crash, but it was worth it.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Why is it that sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists.
This day in Sweden... ...there was a black guy in Gothenburg.
A magician was driving down the street and turned into a driveway
Teacher and student Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass? Student:  I didn't even know they were catholics.
What's the best part about having sex with twenty-one year old's? There's twenty of them.
How many MRAs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Tires need changing too you know!
Why is the mailman bad at sex? His package cums too quickly
Did you hear the one about the deaf man? Neither did he.
How did the writer pop the question? He per-prosed
If one horse is in the corral, running around the perimeter of the fence,and another horse is running free in a field, which one is singing, "Don't Fence Me In"? Neither. Horses can't sing.
A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair
My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs  Bunny. But I'm positive he isn't. How do you know he isn't?  Because I am.
Canceling my subscription!! I'm tired of your issues.
Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.
They say it's impossible to be sad and happy at the same time My wife just told me I have the biggest dick out of all my brothers.
A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks". The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"
Why was Jered Fogle always late? He kept getting a little behind.
Why did the fish's car break down? It needed a tuna-up.
Hey Goku, with how many women have you been with? - Just with Chi-Chi, and you Krillin? - With 18
A dad walks into a zoo.. A dad walks into a zoo. He sees the only animal is a dog and says "Well, this is a shitzu"
When I said that you'd always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway ... You can't stay here.
Why should you never watch a movie with a generous Nascar driver? He might give away spoilers!
A white guy and a black guy walk into a bar... The bartender says, "your kind isn't welcome here." They kick the nigger out, and everyone laughs, and has a drink of beer.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted while writing a paper; Id be making money in a weird ass way, man. ~Mitch
Hate it when pharmacy girls ask if I've "Used this product before?" Darling I've applied, swallowed & inserted every item ever sold here.
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler. So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting " Fucking give it to me!"
*points at self* the man.. *poimts at foot* the leg-end
Circles. I don't see the point in them.
When you drop the beet... ...everybody's going to turnip
They tried to make me go to rehab... They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said... 'I don't have insurance'. And that was the end of that.
What did the grapes say to their parents after they put them into a nursing home? Thanks for raisin us
What did Hitler get for Christmas? An easy-bake oven.
I didn't realise you spelled your name with a "ph", Steve. My apologies, Pheven.
Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
"I've got 99 problems and they're all FABULOUS!" (Gay-Z)
Boxing and fencing Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court ? Annette !
A new book for stoners aspiring to greatness 7 Habits of Effectively High People
Her lips were saying "no"..... But her eyes were saying "read my lips"....
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps can finish a race...
I once met a guy who had a law fetish. He got off on a technicality.
What does a pirate say when he turns 80? Aye matey!
A skeleton walks into a bar... orders a beer and a mop.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
There are 4 black guys in a rectangular room. They divide evenly into the 4 corners. How many men are in each corner? 3/5
Doctor Doctor my husband smells like fish Poor sole!
'Noah' plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Have you ever had sex while camping? I hear it's fucking in tents.
David Cameron joke! They say David Cameron is a one term Prime Minister. That term is of course 'cunt'.
Life is a soup And I'm a fork
I can't do this. I think I'm dying. Why does your face look like a donut? ~ me 30 minutes into dieting
"Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.
What do you call a man with three cocks? A farmer
Why should you never date a tennis player? Love means nothing to them.
Once I saw a blind man touching a cheese grater at Ikea. He said: "who wrote this bullshit"
What is a heroin addict's favorite website? Instagram.
You dig ,I dig, she dig, he dig, we dig, they dig. It's not a great poem but it's very deep.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn't effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
invemtor of fruit-by-the-foot: [stares blankley at a roll of toilet paper for hours] WAIT I'VE GOT IT
They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...
Enough with the North Korea jokes guys, Seriousry they aren't funny!
The creator of Mad Libs has died. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
Why are there so many people in Ireland? Cos' they keep Dublin and Dublin and Dublin...
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one.
Auto-erotic asphyxiation You can go on about it until you're blue in the face, I'm still not interested.
After a klose game with messi challenges and neuer goal scoring opportunities, ze Germans kept their cool and gotze World Cup that they deserved!
How do they know that Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her Head &amp; Shoulders on the dashboard.
What do you call an Italian with no hands? Mute
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
It's funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Which one is the odd one out; monopoly, rape, incest? Rape. It's not a family game.
Having a talk about drugs with my 11 yr old, and she said "If I'm going to do anything, it will be hot boys." I think I just had a stroke.
The other day I held the door open for a clown I thought it was a nice jester.
Q. What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians? A. Militia Etheridge
What kind of person do people hate moving in next to them that starts with an 'N' and ends with an 'r'? [NSFW] A 'neighbor,' you racist fuck!
I made this joke up. Man 1: Hey, I haven't seen you in a few days. What's up? Man 2: Oh, I went pearl diving in Ming Chao. Man 1: Oh? Where's Ming Chao? Man 2: She's getting dressed.
Shout out to octopi. The spiders of the sea since 1981.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it's 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled "FINE THEN, I'M GOING TO BED!" So you be the judge.
Greek yogurt Its just not as rich as it was before
What is a porn star's favorite allergy medicine? (NSFW?) Bend'n'dryl
There is a time and place for decaf coffee. (Never and in the trash)
[Frugal] I ran behind a bus all the way home and save $2.25. Got home and girlfriend mocked me saying had I run behind a cab, I would have saved $15.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.
What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.
I bet... ... you clicked here.
I think my girlfriend has a trigonometry fetish because every time I talk to her she gets off on a tangent.
Our homemade guacamole turned darker green after sitting out for awhile Seems like after hitting the air, it guacsidized.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!
Why don't women get hit by trains? There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.
What happens at night in Bangladesh? It gets Dhaka
Do you guys know the story of Flip Flap the Giraffe? It's a giraffe, walking in the savannah. All of a sudden, an helicopter comes by and..... flip flap the giraffe!
Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
What's the difference between a girl scout and a Jew? Girl scouts come home from camp
Your momma is so fat... But I still fucked her.
Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.
How did Popeye buy long sleeve shirts?
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' 
Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? My boner, during my girlfriends period.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
Me: doctor doctor I cant stop fucking farting... Doctor: *runs out the room comes back with a ten foot pole*Me: OMG!!!!!!! what are you gonna do with that??? Doctor: OPEN UP A FEW FUCKING WINDOWS
"Oh man, you've got stretched lobes and piercings? I've got stretched lobes and piercings, too!" "Sweet! We should hang out!" - Ear buds
'50 Shades of Grey' taught me how to please a woman. It's by writing a shitty book.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Donald Trump sure likes making fun of boxing. What with all the lightweight insults
Why is Russia a very fast country ? Because the people are always Russian !
[accidentally calls teacher "mom"] MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something. ME: what's for dinner tonight BRAIN: what
I hate the word "chicks". Can we politely call them LADIES. Women, please.. Ladies nuts on your chin ;)))))))
I bet if Jesus were here right now, he'd be like "Toilets are amazing."
11's thoughts on tonight's dinner: "Well, it didn't make me gag, so I ate it." The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
The iPhone 5 will be able to print bacon
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Two sausages sitting in a frying pan... 1st sausage turns to the 2nd sausage and says, "is it me? Or is it really hot in here? " 2nd sausage says, "HOLY SHIT! A talking sausage..."
See a penny pick it up... All day long you'll have.... A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn't a "hand washer".
What is hot, carbon-dated and buried deep inside Georgia? Her geography teacher's cock.
Congratulations on your accomplishments! Whitney Houston, on being year sober!
I think it's weird that characters in comic strips always recite the alphabet to fall asleep... ...But it's even weirder that they always time it exactly fucking perfect.
Non-Racist black joke What do you call four black men in a red sleeping bag? A Kit-Kat.
Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.
Why did everyone hate the window? He was a pane in the glass! Credit: 12 year old me
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I once knew a guy in high school who got caught masturbating in the shower. It really ruined our class trip to Auchwitz for us.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
What did the Alabama woman say when she lost her virginity? Dad you're crushing my cigarettes.
Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana.
Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. and dont ask y.
I accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn't include the word "hotshot."
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!
What's Hitler's favorite Pokemon? Nein-Tales.
Candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to rock candy.
What do you get if you cross an alien and a  hot drink ? Gravi-tea !
Fun trick to play on your partner: "Don't you remember what day this is?"
I missed a period in that last tweet. I hope I'm not pregnant.
Me: *Sweeping* Wife: Excuse me Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS Wife: ... Me: That's from lord of Wife: MOVE! Me: *Moves*
How do you keep black people out of your business? Put up a "Now Hiring" sign.
How many Jews can you fit in a car? Two in the front, two in the back and none in the ash tray because the Holocaust never happened.
Why did God allow women to get yeast infections? So they could know what it was like to live with an irritating cunt sometimes..
Knock Knock? Whos There? Imaja / Imaja who ? Oh look the door opened Im out
I wear the pants in this family. It's so embarrassing when I go to Olive Garden, and the rest of my family is naked from the waist down.
What do you call a lost Asian man? Disoriental
What do you call a compliant volcano? A volcayes.
Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option
what's orange and sounds like a parrot? a carrot.
"Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!" "Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."
How much wood can Chuck Norris if Chuck Norris could chuck wood? Chuck Norris would just stare at the wood, and it would chuck itself out of fear.
Here's the thing about women: it's really hard to write a good joke about them.
A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married
Genderqueers must have a tough time scheduling.. Because they don't have agenda
What did the Pope say to the hot atheist girl? Shake that blasphemy
4-way car crash reported in Mexico City. 86 confirmed dead.
What do you say when someone asks you to make a fat person leave? "Piece of cake."
AMA Request: Kim Davis. I would like to hear her answer this question, for she seems uniquely qualified to do so: If a man and woman from Kentucky get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
Q: What do you call the study of the purchase of tree parts? A: Stem sell research.
The roulette dealer had a unique personality. He had a different spin on everything.
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
I used to do drugs... I still do. But I used to, too.
Think about a nice pair of slacks. Now think about a panda. Now about radishes. Now about salt. I think you see where Im going with this.
What's Invisible and Smells Like Mice? Cat Farts...
cause baby now we've got baaathtubs you know we soaking in maaad suds so take a loofah for baaack scrubs cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
What's the great thing about 25 year olds? There's 20 of them.
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ? It lives on ice !
Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion? Anyone can pull them off
If i could have any super power, i'd pick the ability to lure kids into my truck without giving them candy i spent my hard earned money on.
If Jesus could see the way some Christians act today He'd be rolling in his grave
Sorry Amanda. There will be no second date. First off, the plural of shrimp IS shrimp. Not shrimps. Also it's pronounced sammon, not sallman
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? 'Hi girls!'
[biologists find beached whale] its a new species what can we call it? [surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro [biologists look at each other]
Did you hear about the 4th place winner with the muscle condition? Even though he didn't rank in the top three he still got atrophy.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUUUUNNNGGGGGG
What did the snake say when another asked him the time ? Don't asp me !
Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!
You don't need a parachute to skydive... You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Joke  What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
If I ever become a filthy millionaire, I'm gonna string 50 smartwatches together and create a batman belt of gadgets out of them I know it's a waist of time, but it'll be worth it.
[Gaming] Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side
It's not a nap if you never got out of bed.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, "Guacamole is NO OBJECT!"
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia. Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. That rose's name? Albert Einstein.
It's always "Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick." I'm never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy
What do you get when you cross an ape and a black person?? A really stupid ape
I wonder if Jesus knows that everyone just pretends to be his friend so they can move into his sweet cloud house.
"There is no such thing as a stupid question." - person who has never walked my family through attaching a photo to an email.
Yo momma so fat when she had turkey at thanksgiving She ate the whole damn country
How did the muslim get cancer? By smoking a lot of fags.
How does Austin Powers decide which guys he will sleep with? (NSFW) By giving them an oral test first. "If you can gag me, you can shag me!"
The word condominium has the word condom in it. hehe ;)
What do you call an army of gorilla soldiers? Boko Harambe.
I get chills down my spine every time I hear the song Stayin' Alive... I don't know, there's something about the Bee Gees that just gives me the heebie jeebies
Two tampons are walking down the street. One is a name brand, and the other is generic. Which one talks to you first? Neither. They're stuck up bitches.
My better half said period jokes aren't clever So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.
My ex-girlfriend had a parakeet That fucking thing would never shut up. The bird was pretty cool though.
What do you get when you stick your dick in yogurt without asking first? Rape culture.
I dated a woman once. Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
When Chinese audiences see movies based on toys... ...they probably think "Hey look! It's those toys we made!"
Because telescopes work using mirrors... We'll never know if there are any space vampires.
A grasshopper walks into a bar ... The bartender says "Hey we have a drink named after you" The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"
This subreddit used to be funny until chickens started screwing light bulbs.
Comedian In A Fight!! What does a comedian use in a fight? A Punch Line
as you wonder "where the weed at?" a worm hole opens up in front of you and through the portal an alien arm reaches out to pass you a blunt
Q: What do termites eat for breakfast? A: Oakmeal.
Knock Knock Who's there? Gilbert Melendez Gilbert Melendez who? Gilbert may lend deez nuts
One of my favorite things about raps music is the fun ethnic code words they use for everyday things like money & women. I'm learning a lot!
I told my redneck uncle how I learned about the five pillars of Islam. He said Muslims must all be a bunch of pansies. Just one pillar has always been enough for him, and he sleeps just fine!
In response to McDonald's pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I don't believe in ghosts. They're always lying to me.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn't calling the number I dialed.
My social outings consist of the "maybe attending" events I never attend on Facebook.
Actually, the past tense is 'hanged' as in 'he hanged himself'. Sorry about your dad, though
Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.
Why can't Santa play in the NBA? He has a no-trade Claus
The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Got six numbers at the bar last night One more and it would have been a full phone number!
There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary, and those who don't
Her: Make me a burrito, please. Me: ?? *wraps her in blanket *pours hot sauce inside
How did Roman magistrates keep fit? Pontius Pilates.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Obviously more than 8, because my basement is still dark.
In "Come As You Are", Kurt Cobain kept repeating "And I swear that I don't have a gun"... ...he lied.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My dog is attacking a tree. "Bark, bark, bark , bark."
What's the worst thing about living with Alzheimer's? I forgot
You'll never believe how much this girl paid me to have sex with her...... One vagina.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I'm unaware of?
I liked "Facebook posts" better when they were called "journal entries" and no one was allowed to read them.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?! 7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
What kind of bees give milk? BOOBIES!!!
What did O say to Q? Your boto is showing!
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we're grilling our neighbor's cat.
What do you call a British person playing a saxophone? An Anglo Saxin'
What's the advantage to fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free
Who are you and how did you get in here? I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.
Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying "Not looking good today" after deleting the first 50 pictures she took
The 3 words that best describe me are... I'm really bad at counting.
How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
I bought a tiny chili pepper plant today. I wanted to spice up my apartment.
My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn't happen. I think I'm raising a politician.
I feel bad for people who work at German supermarkets. They have to deal with Deutsch bags all day.
Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away? A: A polygon!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Aww, you "only wish the best for your exes?" That's cool, I lie about things too.
Coworker: I never would've guessed you're in your 30's. You look so young. Me: I'm old at heart.
Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.
Reception Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
You're doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything? -Me as a Drivers Ed teacher
Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU... You Brexit, you bought it.
My cat doesn't listen to a word I say. That's why the cell phone she made me buy her only has a text message plan.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
the man who killed hitler ...sacrificed his life to do it but people still hate him.
Nosy Peppers Nosy peppers are jalapeno business.
What do you call the babies born in a whorehouse? Brothel sprouts.
What does anal sex and broccoli have in common? If you're forced to try it as a kid.. you probably wont like it as an adult.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
There are only 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
What do a pimp and a cowboy have in common? They both know how to throw a ho-down.
Some pretty young girl just knocked on my door saying there was a Pokemon inside my house... I was all "Nice try Chris Hansen..."
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "can you make me one with everything?"
TIFU by mocking a reddit mod [deleted]
Roses are red and sometimes they're thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling up stairs.
Who is both a knight and a spy? Sir Veillance
What is Donald Trump's favorite type of cheese? White American.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
*Kanye trips and falls* SUCH A GENIUS! WHAT A POETIC DEMONSTRATION OF HOW HIS ANCESTORS FELL TO SLAVERY AND ROSE AGAIN *jaden smith cries*
Why did Elon Musk's wife leave him? she asked for sex and got S3X instead.
How do you find a blind guy on a nude beach? It's not hard
I don't like peanut butter... it just isn't my jam.
What do you call a Pokemon that likes coins? A Pika-Jew
Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.
Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? A: Don't look I'm changing!!
Someone's only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.
The worst mix of diseases? Alzheimer and diarrhea. You run but you don't remember where.
Why didn't Toronto's mayor tell us earlier about his drug use? It must have fallen through a crack.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Why did the stick-figure man's arm keep hitting him in the face? Because it was the punch line.
Closed letter to the Mods of /r/Jokes O
Al Gore to protest Amy Winehouse funeral... Something that toxic should not be going in the ground!
There are 10 types of genders in the world... Gender binary, and, well, the joke still makes sense if you didn't get the first part.
Nice shoes. Where'd you get them? Him: ... *peeks under bathroom stall* Did you hear me?
What has 2 heads and six legs? Nirvana
Let's have phone sex over walkie talkies. "Bend over." "Bend what? Over."
What does Chris Brown tell his friends when he sees Rihanna at a party? I hit that.
What did the kids say to the gay rabbit? Silly faggot, Dicks are for chicks!
Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving? All the coats are on the bed!
Why did... Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one! Ha Ha  Ha Ha
How did the obscene telephone caller get  attacked by the Gorilla? He made a mistake and dialled a preyer!
When the moon hits your eye... When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore. When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek that's a moray.
Mom She gave me life She gave me love She gave me sarcasm She gave me the ability to cut brake lines so that it looks like an accident.
Which female comedienne likes terrible punchlines? BaDum **Trish**.
What did the Trump supporting viticulturist say Monday morning? Time to make America Grapes Again.
What is a store for dogs called? A Superbarket
What's small, orange and sounds like a parrot? An oompa loompa with a sore throat.
What kind of dog is the quietest? A "shhh"nauzer
What's it called when a vampire kisses you goodnight? Necking.
How do you make holy water You stab it with a knife over and over
What did the chicken say before it crossed the road? I'll be Ba Ba Ba Baaach!
Best Bang for your Buck! would make a great punchline for a joke about bambi and the intricate workings of an illegal woodland critter prostitution service
This yogurt is so cultured, I can only eat it when I'm listening to Beethoven.
What makes a software developer feel rich? Their Cache
Number joke as told by Yoda why 5 afraid of 7 was? because 6, 7 8
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes
Which celebrity is great at creating probate documents? Will Smith
What is worse then a centipede with sore feet? A giraffe with a sore throat
3 am phone call, "Hey, are you asleep?" Nope, Im skydiving.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don't have to fill out a form or anything.
Q: How do you catch a red elephant? A: With a red elephant trap.
Father: I hear you skipped school to play football Son: No I didn't and I have the fish to prove it!
Trash can and chileans(Geopolitic humour) what is the difference between a trash can and a Chilean? The word
Shout out to my loving wife, who has made me everything I am today... Fucking miserable
A blind man walks into a bar "Ow!" he exclaims. The bartender responds by saying that he doesn't know that drink.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount rushmore
Remember to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
An Irishman walks out of a pub. ...
What did a cyberman say to John Smith? You will be [deleted]
I finally found my wife's G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?
Virginity Dad: You stole my daughter's Virginity! Man: Sorry sir, Won't happen again!
What is the plural of y'all? -What is the plural of y'all? -Y'alls? -All y'all.
What's between an old woman's breasts that's not between a young woman's breasts? a navel..
Setting off the security sensor when exiting a store should involve a trap door or at least a big net that scoops the suspect up.
What do you call a German think tank? An answer panzer!
Snowy White and the 7 dwarves... Snowy White and the 7 dwarves were lying in bed feeling happy...but happy didn't like it and got out...
What do worms and girls have in common? They both squirm when you eat them
I've seen some bad thieves in my life before... But this one couldn't even take the cake!
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
The HARDEST part about being a teenager? Probably having to sigh a second time when the first was too quiet.
You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.
It's important to set goals. You don't have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Wife: Tell me how many women you fucked during your 5 year trip. Husband: None! Wife: For every one that you tell me I'll give you a hundred dollars Husband: I don't need your 36000 dollars!
Me: You put the "cow" in "coworker" Her: Excuse me?? Me: It's a joke format. Her: I'm telling HR.. Me: Ok but I doubt they'll get it either.
I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.
How do you recognize a feminist from a bunch of naked women? She's the one with the penis.....envy.
Why cant a bike stand up by itself? It's two tired.
Why is English such a hard language to learn? Because it's
New study reveals that women actually make better archaeologist. They're always digging up old shit.
What's In Hitlers Nose? Snotzies
What did the Japanese Journey covers band sing at the funeral? Don't stop, bereaving!
I witnessed a murder in the park last night and called 911 They told me to stop calling and leave the crows alone.
what do you call an italian whore? a pastatute lol
A comedian walks into a club and says the punchline.
I want to adopt two kids... ... with cancer, both named Jordan. I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.
In a few weeks the keys to the worlds most important office will be handed over to Donald Trump. There is absolutely nothing funny about that. Figured this sub was a perfect place to post this.
What the difference between /r/gonewild and /r/jokes? Not all the posts on /r/gonewild are about pussy, anal sex, blowjobs, and pedophilia. Seriously, /r/jokes, get your shit together
What do the NBA and the presidential election have in common? There's only two candidates, and nobody wants either of them to win!
My Grandfather died in a concetration camp. He fell out of a really tall guard tower. so sad r.i.p
My favourite exercise is a mix between lunge and crunch I like to call lunch.
What's the difference between an orange? One of them doesn't.
Why do Pokemon have eyes? So they can pikachu
IT routine is full of jokes What is suitable for the employer it's real pain in ass for the recruiter
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag.
Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral Because that person is still alive?
Me: I'd like to adopt that baby. Clerk: Sir, that's a family sized platter of Super Nachos.
My biggest fear is that I'm holding my baby and a rapper asks me to put my hands in the air.
Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill areas. I'll show myself out
Just came up with.. Q: How do pirates like their jigsaws? A: In pieces of eight.
What do you call sex with a burrito? Getting chipotlaid.
I know there's something wrong with my braille book... but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Just ate a bunch of vegetables instead of cheese. One of my children wasn't even observing me. This is the first sign of insanity, right?
I just don't understand kids. My kid says he wants to play heavy metal. So why's he so mad at me? I bought him one of the best tubas money can buy!
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
So there I was at my favorite seafood restaurant having dinner, and I told David, my favorite waiter, that TONIGHT I wanted my fish exactly how I like my wife... ..."Battered it is, sir."
My penis isn't small. It's "artisanal."
The "Selfie" sorority girls Gave there tickets to the less fortunate...I'm my book that makes them charitable women and not very selfie at all
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I just found out why the literacy rate in Greece is among the lowest ...it's because everything they learn in school is Greek to them.
Why can't you have Christmas dinner in the EU? Because there is no Turkey
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn't move.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.
SO lame!!! My significant other is crippled.
TIFU by sleeping with my boss I should be getting a promotion any day now.
Got fired from the firedepartment Guess putting a sticker saying 'find em hot and leave em dripping' wasn't a good thing to put on our truck
What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picasso
What train do you take to the synagogue? the jew jew tra
two fish are in a.... Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'do you know how to drive this thing?'
Why did the fat girl cross the road? She wanted some chicken.
2 Scottish cows in a field: which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.
We all live in a yellow submarine... ...I really wish the bathroom was working right.
Who is an archaeologist? One whose career is in ruins.
Stupid Autocorrect you're always posting some thong you didn't Nintendo
Great move NASA, let's blast Will.I.Am's music into space. That will definitely let every alien nation know we are intelligent. Throw in some Beiber while your at it.
What do you call a rogue toaster? A rebel appliance.
What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot? A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball... Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...
I like my women the way I like my wine... 15 years old and locked in my cellar on a rack.
What do you get if you walk under a cow? A pat on the head.
What do you get when you cross and owl and a bungie cord? . . . . . . . . . . ...My ass
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.
Why did everyone invite mushroom to the party? Because he's a fungi.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream? Because the bus hit him.
In art class I was told black was a shade not a color. That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady.
What did Luke Skywalker get for his 16th birthday? A Toy-Yoda
I submitted ten puns to a pun contest to see which one would win.. No pun in ten did.
Meta I asked my friend " you know what is the best type of joke? A meta joke."
A Catholic priest walks into a bar he shits all over the floor. It's disgusting. Customers leave.
WELCOME TO GYM. [5gp] WOOD MUSCLE // [10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE // [50gp] IRON MUSCLE // [100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE // [999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can't afford to eat for a month.
With all those 'thoughts and prayers' on Facebook it's amazing people are *still* dying.
Him: Will you marry me? Me: omg what did I do, why don't you want to have sex with me anymore?
Three men walk into a bar... One said ouch.
I like my beer, like I like my violence Domestic
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.
My boss said to "treat customers like you treat your mother", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.
I just got a tattoo of Ben Franklin on my dick Because my girlfriend knows how to blow a hundred bucks. (for our non-American friends, Ben Franklin's face is on the US $100 bill)
I won't forget what my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
How do you sell a deaf guy a frog? DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG? rip.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut? ME: *takes three* I: Um, ok, what's your greatest strength? ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
We all know you love your boyfriend, but we'd all appreciate it if you'd SHUT THE FUCK UP
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cartoon ! Cartoon who ? Cartoon up just fine she purrs like a cat !
Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane? The steaks couldn't have been higher.
What fetish does winners hate the most? The feet
They opened a Tempura Shelter in my town It's for lightly battered women
Me: *gets on scale* 5yo: Whoa! That's a lot of points!
What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato? The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.
Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ? He always burns the franks.
What did the priest get at Toys R Us? An erection.
Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
I've started 2016 with a goal of losing 20 pounds... Seems like I've lost more, my ATM is empty
How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? Trying to read her own lips.
Why Was The Canvas Maker Late Home From Work? He had to close a sail
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints
What is white on top and black on the bottom? Society
A man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers. succeeds
Who has two thumbs and a concealed identity? Disguise!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Belize ! Belize who ? Belize yourself then !
Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say "What's up, Chad?" & he'll be all "Whoa... How'd you know my name, bro?"
If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.
childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is
It's crazy people freak out about ghosts but are totally fine with actual, horrible human beings.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don't enjoy them. Plz understa
What type of music do people listen to in the grasslands? [Shrub-steppe.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrub-steppe)
I forgot to buy baking paper Looks like my cooking will be foiled again...
Celebrating National Sex Day the only way I know how Not having it.
I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW] www.reddit.com
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!
*Fakes Phone Call* "Yes a thousand doves please....well give me pigeons and i can paint them white" (cups hand over phone) "I plan weddings"
Does anyone know how to change the batteries in a dead kitten? Please help.
Is there something called "Your mama so foreign..."-jokes? Please share if you have any, no rules O.o
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig? Because he was an old boar.
My sex change from male to female My sex change operation from male to female went really well yesterday. It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out the fucking hospital car park!
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for two?", I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see her too?".
Why do Apes like tall buildings? They want to climb the heights of the business world!
Little Johnny & the Devil A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
Sometimes I pretend my hoodie sleeves are elephant trunks. My vote counts just as much as yours
Yo mama so stupid that..... she tried to stop the cold war with a heater.
Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."
Why do vultures hate flying? Because they have to pay extra for Carrion! Budum tsssss
If I went back in time I'd tell myself... "Don't wait until 29 to become a stripper. You get to be naked, drunk and get paid for it!"
*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it's nest* HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!
Knock knock Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes your cuzin, let me in.
when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie
Soviet Russia In Soviet Russia, Turkey shoots you!
FIANCE: where should we go on our honeymoon ME (after hearing there's a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
What did one suicide bomber say to the next? Nothing, he just waved. #punchlinesthatdontwork
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Not to nitpick, Kay Jewelers, but "every kiss" TECHNICALLY begins with an African diamond miner having his hand cut-off
Now that I'm playing Pokemon Go I don't need a girlfriend anymore... The servers go down on me all the time.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car who's driving? A: The police.
What do you call a small dog that can store food? Pupperware
You have a man, woman and douchebag who walk into a bar and order a triple shot... ...and Caitlyn Jenner takes it to the face !
Knock knock... A: Knock, knock! B: Who's there? A: The Interrupting Cow. B: The Interrupt-- A: MOOOOOOOO!!
All I have is blood on my hands now. Papercut
Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday
- Michelle, we must break up... - Oh, I'll kill myself! - That's a nice bonus. Thank you!
Apparently dogs can die if they eat a lot of chocolate. I wish I had a delicious way to kill myself.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
When I jerk off I'm not a fancy restaurant about it, I'm more like McDonalds Fast, easy, and you don't have to get out of the car
I just bought a book from Apple The beginning was iOpening
"I need a lady in a sheet who is not permitted out in the streets." -Taliban man looking for love
If hillary wins, trump supporters can at least take solice in 1 fact. Bill clinton is going to be the first lady.
What does it mean to come home to a man who'll  give you some love and tenderness? You're in the wrong house.
What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil? Popeye's knob.
How long does guacamole last in the fridge? Please say a year.
Today is the last Cinco De Mayo If Trump wins the election
If my blood type is A+, can I use that for my GPA? Also how many credit hours does it count as?
Why isn't there democracy in North Korea? Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you up.
What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "Why" over and over? "Because I saw so."
What do you call 6.02x10^23 avocados? Guaca-mole
What is something we all lost? The Game
If I've learned one thing from watching horror movies, it's if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.
If you were a tree you'd be a bonsai, and if you were mine you'd be dead by now.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
What would Caitlyn Jenner need to do if she changed her mind about being a woman? She would need to reJennerate some balls. What does Caitlyn Jenner do before she goes out? Bruce's up for the evening.
If my friends and I torrent in Jamaica Does that make us Pirates of the Caribbean?
A carpenter's workshop's light went out To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.
What's India's most popular dating service? Connect the Dots.
Damn girl are you community college? Because you pretty much just let anyone in.
What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy? Sitcoms
How do you say doormat in Spanish? Matador
I've matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
What's bloody and painful and happens once a month? Flossing
I went to the Air and Space Museum It wasn't as empty as I thought it'd be.
Why were Jeremy Clarkson's colleagues excited to try his mulled wine? Because they'd been floored by his punch.
Funny knock knock jokes to use during sex. Keep it going. Knock knock... whos there?... sperm! :D
Why was Civil Disobedience such a good essay? Thoreau editing.
"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? " Because they're really good at it
starbucks is like a hooker... one on every corner and money upfront before they scream your name
Two jokes walk into a bar... Where's the punchline?
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Now that it's 2017 I can finally make this joke! I haven't showered since last year! Hahaha
Why is the retirement center nicknamed "the garden"? Because it is full of vegetables.
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me"
The economy is so bad....
How many dicks can Kim Jong-Un suck at once? He chooses to keeps that information secret.
I heard they banned phones now in China Apparently there is so many Wings and so many Wongs they keep Winging the Wong number.
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
So Saudi Arabia Was Elected Head Of The Human Rights Panel...
[crumpled up paper on floor] *tries to flip it up like hacky sack* *tries to flip it up...* *tries to flip...* *tries...* *leaves it*
Four year olds can't even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
What do you call a drunk dinosaur? A Staggersaurus.
What do you call a teacher who's always late? Mr Bus
She blew her only chance of ever being with me And we're still together after all these years
What is blue and lies by the seabed? Probably not a planned child.
How is American beer like having sex in a canoe? Because it's fucking close to water.
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? denimdenimdenim
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM, BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? Your girl has to chew before she swallows.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you'll be if you're breaking a chair on someone's head every day.
What's the problem with Java jokes? They have no *class*.
I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time Said the Malaysian shark.
Did you hear about the Irish man who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Why was the cemetery plot salesman upset? Business was dead.
WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid? Would you like to buy some candy?
Women used to call me ugly until they heard how much money I have Now they call me ugly and poor. (Heard a long time ago, couldn't find source)
What does having sex in a canoe and drinking light beer have in common. Either way you're fucking close to water.
Art thief. Did you hear about the discerning art thief who burgled the Impressionist exhibit? He was in it for the Monet.
If ISIS is destroyed... ... Will they be known as WASWAS?
Joke: What does it imply when a tick is found on a vagina? That you may have to pull out. Just wanted to ask whether this is a keeper.
Wait, so pooping on the entire rim of a toilet, closing the seat over it, and calling it a "Devil's Oreo" ISN'T a thing?
How do you make an Chocolat omelette? With Easter eggs.
What do you call a guy with no shins? Tony..... toe knee
I tried explaining sarcasm to some kleptomaniacs but they always take things literally.
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said... "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." Then I said, "Turn left."
What did airport security tell the Dentist? We need to give you a cavity search
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
How can you teach your child about adversity if you don't leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I'd like for you to look at.
Drinking light beer is like having sex in a canoe... ... fucking near water
*at a funeral* haha. they should have provided SOUL food, lol. *nudges crying lady next to me* hey. they should have had SOUL food here haha
Why did Yewtree arrest the husband-to-be at the celebrity wedding of the year? They wanted to make sure he'd never been a groom.
[Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.
Did ya' hear about the bear that tried to fly from British Columbia to New York? They wouldn't let him bring his carrion. Sorry.
So this guy is making a construction joke... But he's still working on it.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs. Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Halloween ... The agoraphobic paedophiles favourite day of the year.
I'm a pretty neutral guy. I find it hard to choose sides. I mean, I have an uncle who drives a truck for Pepsi and a cousin who sucks dick for coke.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
What do birds order when they go to Starbucks? Flappaccinos.
What do you call a sheep with no legs ? A cloud.
Why did the raisin go to the police? Because, he was a grape victim.
Why are there so few Christians on 4chan? Because religious people don't like faggots
Have you ever seen the movie called "Constipated"? Well it never came out.
Here's a joke I saw on the internet recently that I think we can all relate to http://i.imgur.com/ijAmlhi.png
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Penis It's an insideher joke
What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
I took my wife to the Planetarium. She was shocked to learn that she is not the center of the universe.
Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.
"The total cost would be 3000," said the funeral director. "And that includes digging the grave." "Is that the whole thing?" I asked. He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
If love is blind why is Lingerie so  popular?
What do you call a bagel that can fly? a plain bagel.
Want to hear a joke? Tess Holliday.
If I could, I'd wear plaid every day. But I feel as though doing that would cross several lines.
Fat chicks don't get wet..... They get greasy
A man went to the zoo. All they had to exhibit was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Got in a fight about the Treaty of Versailles. I said the German fines were too punitive; the guy at Starbucks said buy something or leave.
Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way
How do you sink a French battleship? Put it in water.
What do you call an Italian man with Parkinson's? A stutterer.
What sport does the kool-aid man play? Baseball; he's a pitcher.
My family thinks I don't get jokes But I'm actually great at them!
[sees someone use multiple contradictory excuses to compel faith-based behavior] perhaps i can reason you out of this using history and laws
'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Why did the redneck cross the road? To get to the oth-TONY STEWART
Did you hear about Taco Bell's new sauce? It's picked-out daily south of the border.
"Look slightly worried." - picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter's Handbook
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I could lead in the Republican Primary polls.
What do gay zombies say? Heeeeyyyyrrrrrrraaarrrrrgggggg.
I offended someone with a joke about molestation. I forgot it's a touchy subject.
*interrupts dinner "IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?"
"Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred." "So just the normal way you make a martini then?" "That's right."
If my teachers don't become Ms. Frizzle anytime soon, I will just keep not paying attention.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
I've never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
If two wrongs do not make a right, What do two rights make? An airplane! haha Wright brothers :-) I made this joke when I was in Junior high
"A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn't."
Lady beavers call their vaginas, "people"
Why did the groom ask his bride to wear white? Because he wanted his dishwasher to match the fridge and stove
What did the banker say to the tongue when he rejected his loan application? There's no accounting for taste.
What's the difference between jam and jelly I can't jam my cock up your ass
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
What do dead kids and jokes about dead kids have in common? They never get old.
Civil war jokes? I General Lee don't find them funny.
How many non-binary gender-fluent people does it take to change an LED lightbulb? DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY LIGHTBULB?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf date: the dog? me: of course the dog
I went for sushi with Luke Skywalker and he was struggling with chopsticks... "Use the fork, Luke!" I said.
2 dudes Came here to tell a gay joke, Butt fuck it.
People who genetically engineer food, why don't you make celery that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
What do Swedish people put in their coffee? Artifical Swedeners
How do you know if a homeless person has a girlfriend? His clean fingers.
Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don't they want to get better?
[office] BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter] SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
How can you tell if your wife is dead The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Silly Rabbit, Trix are for a culture of entitled white American children who are systematically fed a diet of high fructose corn syrup.
What do you call the Pope after he's resigned? Ex-Benedict.
What's the Biggest Jobs Killer in the United States? Pancreatic cancer.
If Jesus died for our sin... Who died for our cos and tan?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I can tell within seconds of meeting someone if they'd be annoying on a group email.
Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn't even write a song about it.
I got my first blow job today It sucked
?When the moon hits your eye? You'll be killed. It's massive.
What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap.
Someone drew a swastika on The Trump Tower The police aren't sure if it's a supporter, or a hater.
There are two fish in a tank... ...one is driving, the other one is operating the guns
Men Vs Women Women want many things from one Man Whereas, Men want one thing from many Women..!!
College My son took Rock Climbing in college but he had to drop the class. He couldn't find any "Cliff Notes."
What mustache can an alien not pull off? A human chu
What not to do on a first date: ask what gender they are.
Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called "MOneyWallet", where you earn "Money Points" by mailing cash to my house
Clinton still leads Trump by 2! FBI Investigations.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn't be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Kanye running for president in 2020
I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
Why do GPSes work really well in Washington state? There are lots of Seattleites there!
What is the difference between a pack of pygmies and a girls track team? The pack of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
The U.S Election is Kind of Like an Attractive Bisexual Because whether they go with a man or a woman, you know they're fucked.
How was copper wire invented? A Dutchman and a Scotsman fighting over a penny.
How did Jeffrey Dahmer make alphabet soup? With 26 characters he met at a party.
Spilled my bottle of sleeping pills, and now they're wide awake.
a car just rolled by blasting the "Duck Tales" theme song so now I'm chasing after it and trying to catch up with my new best friend
I got charged for a satellite dish the other day... I was furious. He told me it'd be on the house.
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits in your wife's clothes.
what do Little Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? Kurds in the way
I have a good joke... My grades.
Two peanuts walk out of a bar one was assaulted( a salted)......peanut
The Pen is mightier than the sword... Cuz, you know, you can't draw dicks on faces with swords.
Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye. Her: Why? Me: *stabs fork into eye*
Went out with a blind girl last night A blind girl was jerking me off last night, and told me I had the biggest dick she's ever felt. I told her she was pulling my leg.
Looking for jokes that will make a girl laugh I like this girl and I hear she likes hearing jokes. I need the funniest jokes that will make her laugh.
[Flight Attendant]: Would you like some headphones? [Passenger]: Yes please, but how'd you know my name was Phones?
Only mass transit kids will get this! We rank the top rails, the third one will shock you!
My friend told me what the Mile High Club was the other day But honestly, I don't give a flying fuck.
I would walk over Lego's for you.
Acid... The taste you can see!
Some girl wanted me to take her to see 50 Shades of Grey... So I took her to Sherwin-Williams.
Meteorologist - Be horrible at you job and no one really cares. Pizza Delivery Driver - Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
If you're not supposed to drink shampoo why do they make it in such pretty colors?
Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday.
Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody... ...making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.
Some people are about as useful as the "r" in February.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An electron
Going to sleep: It's so cold in here, I'm totally wearing these socks to bed Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I'am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there's 100% chance I'am getting laid and a 50% chance I'll like it.
I went to a feminist picnic the other day It sucked. No one cooked or made any sandwiches.
What has four legs and goes "Oom! Oom!"? A cow walking backwards!
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED! Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear Fox: you mean... the tooth is out there?
I wonder if the username "That Cab" is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow "That Cab"
Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.
Light a man a fire... Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Light a man afire and he'll be warm the rest of his life. (I know it's a repost, but I've never seen the play on words, shame)
I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.
What did the welshman do... ...when his girlfriend asked him how many sexual partners he'd had? Fell Asleep
What do you call dirt? Dirty.
googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
But let's get real here guys I mean who exactly are we kidding ? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.
Breaking News: United States is now the largest producer of salt. So Salty...
There should be bongs and blunts at viewings in funeral homes... A true wake and bake.
Why did Hitler have a thing for men from Hungary? Because they are Hung Arian's
How do you know that the Invisible Man doesn't have any children? Because he's not apparent.
Why did Jon Snow go to The Apple Store? For the Watch.
10th anniversary So my girlfriends dad just accused me of pedophilia, she is 18 and I am 32. It ruined our 10th anniversary
What Do You Call Giving a Dutch Guy a Gun? Armin Van Buren.
[whole foods] WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice
Why could nobody win a dance off at the annual African American ball? Because it was a black tie event
My best friend keeps bagging me for being a virgin I haven't got the courage to tell him I slept with his sister.
My mind is a micro-government, fighting wars of its own creation for profit.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you're working.
What would George Washington do if he were alive today? Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
college is a lot like kindergarten except instead of going to school im smoking weed in my dorm at 1 pm
What is the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin.
What did the car-painter say to the carpenter? "You sound just like me!"
Last night my wife said that our bed had seen better days. She's right. When she stopped at her mum's last week, I had a threesome in it on Monday and Tuesday.
Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
A friend of mine died late last night I woke up in mourning.
Are news anchors secretly insulting you? Moron this story at 11.
Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War? Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man. T: ....
Where should we look to stem global overpopulation? The youth in Asia.....
My headphones stopped working before the warranty... I'm taking them to cord over this!
A group of protesters gather outside a physics lab "What do we want?" "Time travel" "When do we want it?" "Irrelevant"
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Last month, I asked my dad if I could get a tattoo. He told me to get it somewhere that didn't matter, so I got it done in Oklahoma.
What did the redneck get on his SATs? Barbecue sauce.
What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits a windshield? His ass.
what fandom, despite only 1 book in the franchise, has been obsesing over it since the begeinning? christianity
911: What's your emergency? Me: Whatcha dooooin'? 911: Sir, are you in danger? Me: *giggles* You're always so worried, but I'm fine, silly
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill Mrs Brown.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he's being a d-bag and won't wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
GOD: there, my first animal :) SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move? G:like this*shimmies* S: G:just kinda*shimmies* S:dude
The word "defenestration" means "to throw someone out a window." Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I smoked before going to the dentist & didn't know they would let me have laughing gas &watch Netflix Im cross faded af having the best time
How often do you use algebra? Equationally.
Can I use cash to pay for a new electric car? No, you have to charge it.
"Man, I did so much shit today" *throws away diaper
Almost yelled "F.U." at another driver, but the kid was in the car. So I yelled, "I'm dedicated to customer service." Just like airlines do.
What does an Indian man get when he works out? Sikh gains. I made this up too! Although this joke has probably been said before
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
[on a date] *showing her pics of my pet lizards* ME: "and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth" HER: "I must have sex with you immediately"
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon player? Ash.
[Request] Easy to remember jokes that can be told at a bar even after a few I was wondering if there were some easy to remember, or just good jokes that could be told at a bar.
What kind of mint is the hardest to swallow? Abandonment.
What do you call an Italian guy whos afraid of cheese? Alfredo
50 ft ladder. John: "Shit, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder." Adam: "Oh no, are you okay?" John: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
Knock knock "Who's there?"   "Deja"    "Deja who?"   "Yeah, it's me again. I left my purse!"
My friend came up to me He said, "Can you ever remember a time where you removed a wig?" I said, "Not off the top of my head."
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines...
A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.
nurse: "if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half" me: [visibly confused] wife: "the grapes keith not the baby"
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ? An alarm cluck !
What type of overalls did Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim......
A Buddhist Monk visits a hot dog stand in New York and says "make me one with everything".
If you send Joseph Gordon-Levitt a script that doesn't say "skinny tie" on the first page, he gets so mad he has to write four ukulele songs
If Turkey was attacked from the rear Would Greece help?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
There are two types of countries in the world.... Those who use the metric system, and those who have a successful space program.
All of the countries in the world run a race. Who wins? Finland. He's the first to Finnish.
How do you start an Ethiopian rave? Staple some food to the ceiling.
Men are like cement. After getting laid they take a long time to get hard.
What does Matthew McConaughey think about an all white, Republican Government? Altright, altright, altright
"We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS." Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
What's a mathematicians favourite plant? Any that has a square root!
Which is heavier: a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Depends on which weigh you think about it
Legend has it the "M" in MTV once stood for music.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
What's innuendo? It's Italian for "suppository".
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. Four to sit in the dark and cry about it and one to write the song.
What are mixed feelings? Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.
9 out of 10 Chinese Doctor Have Cataracts... the 10th drives a Rincoln
Did you hear about all the Pokemon that died in the fire? All that was left was Ash
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don't confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
I'm still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.
This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions. I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy
Q: Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain? A: I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.
When I grow up, I want to spend 1/3 of my life sleeping, 1/3 staring at a computer in a tiny cubicle and 1/3 hating myself. (realistic kid)
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they're darker than, say, beige."- Statue of Liberty.
What do you call the angel in charge of hydroelectrics? A God dam engineer.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time"
What is the main reason people are voting for Brexit? When asked if they want to be economically joined with Greece, all they can say is "eeeeuuuuuuu"
Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite!
I like to sneak into people's houses and masturbate in their livingroom. ...so far no ones heard me cumming.
[NSFW]What does a woman, fridge and washing machine all have in common? They all drip when they're fucked.
If Adele were a computer, what would she be? a computer.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means, Even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
TIL the USS Colorado made nearly 12,000 career dives during WWII- significantly more than most modern submarines- and sunk the last Japanese warship of the war! Sorry, wrong sub :(
life is just a series of people giving up on you til your body gives up too but yeah sure, I'll bring my famous guacamole to the baby shower
There are days & nights where I'm surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
When my grandad was 75 he started walking 5 miles a day. He's 80 now and no one knows where the hell he is!
Don't ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don't wanna look suspicious.
What's the difference between a gorilla and an Italian in the bathtub? The gorilla gets out to shit.
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
Does syria have any walmarts? No, only targets.
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
"Will.he.was" -Will.i.am's tombstone
My grandmother would roll over. My grandmother would roll over in her trench if she knew how much I spent on her funeral.
Kid: Are you the babysitter? Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I'll be watching you. It'll be fun! Kid: *horrified*
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
"ok start it up" tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk "give it some gas" ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh any ideas? "I can't hear over you beatboxing"
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? Ones a Goodyear; the others a fucking amazing year.
Marijuana? More like MOURNrijuana, because you're parents will have to go to your funeral if you try it. #no
How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb? You will find out when the light comes on.
What would you call a superhero with Down's Syndrome? Ultra Downy
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? EVERYWHERE
What is an inconvenient truth with music? Algorithm.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I think the best thing about being a house wife is that you would get to be married to a house!
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles! Courtesy of Ben Morehead of the Goulet Pen team.
Another normal evening Cook food - 30 minutes Eat it - 5 minutes Check Facebook - 1 minute Check Twitter - 8 hours
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro cinqo. EDIT: Yeah, I take French, not Spanish. :)
Am I capable of premeditated murder? Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
It's Facebook's 10th birthday today. Let's all click "Maybe" on the event invite and then not show up.
An opinion without 3.14 Is just an onion... DEEP
I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt..... So, I made a move on her.
They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.
Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? He was held without charge.
My grandma can hold her breath for over fourteen years!
"Hey, enough with the damn songs! We're all studying for finals." -rest of the school on Glee
I just had a coughing fit and think I accidently created a Nicki Minaj song featuring Ke$ha. Sorry, you guys.
How do you buy hair? You have toupee
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I'm way too clingy, so the exorcism didn't work.
Madonna falls off stage apparently she was supposed to untie her cape so that her dancers could rip it off her. i guess madonna is not as good at pulling things off as she used to be.
Last night, I got in touch with my inner self... That's the last time buying cheap toilet paper.
Texans can't comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I redid my fence yesterday. It needed to be reposted.
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two? One.. ..Or two?
Why did the military name it's new drone system "Caitlyn Jenner"? Because it's unmanned
Why can't Jesus eat M&amp;Ms? Because he isn't real.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
What's a Vikings favourite dance? The Loki cokey.
Pamela Anderson What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts? Answer: Silicon Valley. Just heard this one today and wanted to share. Don't know if this is gonna be a repost.
nothing is more unattractive than insecurity unless that doesnt sound right haha i mean whatever you guys think
Who's the healthiest member of the Army? General Wellbeing
I've never had a beard before this one and I didnt like it at first. But its really growing on me.
Don't sleep with politicians. They all have aides.
Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on an airplane. The airplane crashes. Who survives? America.
I got married to an antenna... The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!
So glad I don't subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it. Ha.
ALL THE JADED LADIES all the jaded ladies ALL THE JADED LADIES all the jaded ladies
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? ~Why? -Because she had no arms ... -Knock knock ~Who's there? -Well, it sure as shit isn't little Suzy
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
*Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!
I went into a haunted house today. All the ghosts ejaculated on my face. It was a bookkake.
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
According to my mate 3 genders exist. Female Male And mental illness
Yesterday my doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked, "Why is that, doc?" He replied, "I'm trying to examine you."
Eric Clapton So over the years Eric Clapton has developed an aversion to Microsoft and prefers to use hardware made my by Apple instead. Why? Simply because Windows killed his child.
Why did the bicycle fall over? it was too tired!
What emits a monochromatic beam of salty snack food? Frito Layser.
Did you hear about corduroy pillows? They are making head lines everywhere
A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry.
"God" not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don't worship God. "Money" mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.
I had a best friend who wore a gorilla suit everywhere... he was my prime-mate.
Chuck Norris was bitten by a snake After several day of agonising pain, the snake finally died.
How many quarters does it take to play the Lord of the rings pinball game? None, it only takes Tolkiens
What's black, white and red all over? A nun in a blender
What's Dr. Dre's favorite vegetable? Beets.
i remember most of the fatalities from mortal kombat 2 but i can never remember which knob turns on my windshield wipers
My local's rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night-First question was What the f*ck are you looking at?
I told my neighbor with a cute daughter this joke today and it's killing him. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at 'C'
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds
My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a note on it that said, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "I don't take orders from a cake."
Son - "Mom, don't get scared but I'm calling you from the hospital..." Mom - "Son you've been a doctor for 4 years, and you still go on with that shit."
Two peanuts walk into an elevator One was Ray Rice and the other was assaulted.
Never ask someone to promise they'll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. Ask them to promise that the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end.
How many PETA memebers does it take to change a light bulb? None. PETA can't change anything.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.
Why don't melons ever run away and get married? Because they cantaloupe!
If 2016 had a twitter account it should have one of those "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" bios Because 2016 is a crazy bitch
Can you spell eighty in two letters? A-T.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
What did the French philosopher say to the vegetable playing poker? All in, du thyme
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor I have yellow teeth what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
"So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT." - What not to say on a first date.
I saw a blind man walking down the street one morning... I saw a blind man walking down the street one morning and as he passes by a fish market, he shouts "Good morning ladies!!!"
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Yo mamma so stupid when she heard of "orange is the new black" she thought Donald Trump became the president.
What did Little Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both had curds in their whey.
A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell "What's so cool about Star Wars anyway?", then jetpack through the ceiling.
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining. I mean, c'mon. Let's spice it up a little. Aim for my chest and call me your "naughty potty".
I have constipation. ..I don't give a shit.
What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker? A wouldpecker
How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.
My girlfriend told me all I could think about was sex... Fanny she should say that!
Why was the mathematician late for work? He took the rhombus.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we'll take them to my car
When preparing blood sausage, never cook it in the same pan as crip sausage.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Baloney ! Baloney who ? Baloney chase you if you're a matador !
sorry I didn't answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
How do cows get their gossip? They herd it through the bovine.
What do you give an octomom for mother's day? A spatula. Maybe she'll be more responsible making dinner than making babies.
Sorry for teaching your kids to yell "STRANGER DANGER" whenever you tell them they can't have something LOL
A bunch of NBA players decided to have a holiday party. They each brought a pass to dish.
I never understood how you got dick from Richard. Apparently you just get him drunk first.
*wife offers me a sip of her water* m: Am I gonna catch what you have? w: No m: w: m: Are you sur- w: You're not going to get my period!
- Do you want to have sex? - Don't you think you're going a little too fast? - Do......you......want......to......have......sex?
There's nothing like finding a screw on the floor to make me wonder for the rest of the day about what's going to fall apart and kill me.
Sex is like a key and a lock. If a lock can be opened by any key, it's useless. If a key can open any lock, that is a good fucking key.
I like my steak just how i like ISIS... DEAD
Government confiscated all the syrup from a syrup factory. Owner of the factory says, "Why do you need all this syrup?" The government worker says: "That's mollasified."
*donates my body to science* Science: no thank you
There are 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murders, but why are there no 90th degree murders? Because murder is not right
Last night I asked my wife for a 68 ... She said: What that ? I said: You go down on me and I owe you one.
When I was at school, the school bully used to make me rub my head against a giant piece of sandpaper. I was no match for him.
International women's day
What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life? "May my thoughts be with them".
Why are fat people like relationships? Most of them don't work out.
My girlfriend wanted a nose job for her birthday. It took me a while, but I got her off.
Why did Sarah fall of the swing ? Q: Why did Sarah fall of the swing ? A: Because she has no arms. *knock* *knock* Q:Who's there ? A:Not Sarah.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones. Not excited for the return of the phrase, "If you'd read the books, you'd know that..."
*pretends floor is lava* *looks around* *slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
What's a prostitute's favourite type of bird? A cock-r-two
Lake Erie: Great Lake name Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Does Snoop Dog wear and apron when he cooks? Yes, for sizzles. Edit: Snoop Lion
Son , I am not able to go to school today Son: I am not able to go to school today. Father: what happened? Son: I am not feeling well Father: Where you are not feeling well? Son: In school!
A man brings his wife as Aspirin... She says, 'Why did you bring me this? I don't have a headache.' He says, 'Good, let's fuck!'.
Yes, they're good. But mangoes act like they know they're good, and that's unappealing to me.
Two soldiers are in a tank. "BLUBLUBLUBBLUBLUB", said one to the other. A variation of the 'two fish are in a tank' joke.
-What's your zodiac sign? -Tyrannosaurus. -But that's not even a real sign. -None of the zodiac signs are real.
Two college feminists walk into a bar They tell it to check its privelege.
The guy I just cut off thinks he's gonna destroy my car with high beams.
Roses are red Violets are blue I've got multiple personalities disorder And so do I.
Home made honey mustard ! I have a beehive full of bees trained to eat mustard ... and that is what comes out !
One does not know true happiness until he gets married But then it's too late... Source: I heard it in a PS2 Raw vs Smackdown game...
Why don't blind people bungee jump? Cuz' it scares the fuck out of the dogs!
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass...
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart and 4 people asked me to defend them in Drug Possession Cases. Court starts Monday.
Just dropped the kids off at the pool. Totally embarrassed them by peeing on them.
What do a car, a bus, and a family have in common? The car and the bus both have wheels.
Ever been to a Canadian mosh pit? "Oh sorry eh! Oh! Sorry! Sorry, eh? Sorry? So sorry! Oh! Oh no.... Sorry, eh?"
Add inches to your penis with this one simple trick! Sharpen the edge of your ruler before you measure.
why don't chickens wear pants? Because their pecker is on their heads!
I'm at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.
What's a Frenchmen's favorite vacation? A retreat.
I asked my boyfriend "How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?"
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you 'randomly fall asleep' in the middle of a conversation.
Why didn't the rope get any presents this year? He was very knotty.
What cause of death did the doctor give for a patient whom died after staring at a woman's behind? assfixation
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me? *noun the view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist.*
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.
How do you kill a troll? With a firewall spell.
I was going to bring everyone on reddit some cool plants but unfortunately, I never botany
What happens when you put too many paintings in your car? You can't make your van gogh.
Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past nine.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints!
According to all these "note to self" sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Survey gone wrong.. or right?? On a survey for 'which conditioner you use?' 99% of the womens said 'aaahhhhhh.....get out of my shower!!!!'
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My friend starting hearing bagpipes in the back of his head I swear, I think he has Scotsophrenia.
Why does Carlos Mencia love r/jokes? Reposts are allowed.
Had to get up at 8 o'clock to work. That's 8 in the MORNING. Like a fucking farmer or something.
A lot of my friends struggle hard with drug addiction and alcoholism but they both came real easy for me.
What does the Philosophy major say a year after he graduates? "Would you like fries with that?"
Why does Barbie hate Amazon? because they're always putting sales out on ken-dolls.
If you ever take a bus and you don't stare out the window and pretend you're escaping your abusive mother, you're doing it all wrong.
Why did Courteney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
What religion do ghosts practice? Boo-ddhism
There is an existential horror upon seeing your password in handwriting.
Two chicken are gossiping... And one of them says to the other: "You know Brad?" "Yeah." "He's a total dick."
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see he's flat mate
It's a bird, it's a plane! No, it's my data plan!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
What do you call a Jew with no chance of getting ahead? Bernie Sanders.
Black jokes and Mexican jokes are all the same... Once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal.
Catfishing my ex... So you could say we're back together.
Heart of a lion My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
Darth Vader says to Luke 'I know what you're getting for Christmas'. Luke: How could you know that? Darth: I have felt your presents
TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat. Woops, wrong sub.
Why can't you play cards on a small boat? Because someone is always sitting on the deck.
What did the Muslim Zoophiliac say when he found out his friend was a beekeeper? "Dicks out for Haram Bee"
An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. "Well sir" replied the villager "we ain't got one now. He died last week."
Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.
Why did princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
Pretty much just pronouncing "Caramel" however the person I'm talking to is pronouncing it.
Why were Ru Paul and Buffalo Bill at the park? They were at a Tucker family reunion.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean "if" Harry Potter was real?
I remember how the folks on food stamps cost our country trillions by selling bets on bad mortgages to suckers. Glad they're being punished!
[Jumps into taxi] "FOLLOW..." [taxi driver turns around excitedly] "...ME ON TWITTER" [Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Why is Africa hot? Because of dat Djibouti.
Have you heard the one about the gay termite? He only eats mail boxes. (male boxes). Hmm. Works way better when told out loud.
I have a step ladder its a nice ladder, but I wish I knew my real ladder.
I heard a group of pedophiles dressed up as superheroes and molested kids at birthday parties . Apparently they called themselves the Justkids League .
Did you know fish have their own religion? It's called "ichtheology." They study it in school
You all like dinosaurs...right? What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? ***A thesaurus***
You're only as awkward as you say you are...out loud...in front of people...who were in a private conversation...that didn't involve you.
Face down, Ass up. That's how I like to tie my shoes.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he's getting away VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Meeting with a social media consultant about how to better leverage my twitter stream for optimum engagement. Kidding. Banging your mom.
I don't know what "swag" is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I'm assuming it's not talent.
First The Doctor Told Me The Good News I Was Going To Have A Disease Named After Me
What did the green onion say to the Thanksgiving dinner? "I ain't no chive, Turkey."
Musicians... cant seem to get of the [sofa](http://imgur.com/xUunghQ)
These five euphemisms for defecation will shock you! I can't believe #2
Me: "I'm trying to type the word 'fucking.'" My iPhone: "Huh? Surely you mean 'ducking.'" Me: "No, I mean 'fucking'." My iPhone: "Bullshot."
I feel so bad when I see a woman wearing a shirt that says GAP on it. (OC) I want tell them, "You're so much more than that!"
"Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be." ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
What are Russian clothes always made out of? Lenin.
Who's the best grammar Nazi? Adolf Hitler's grandmother.
If you like the song "Red Red Wine" then U B 40.
I never close my eyes in the shower because that's how murderers know when to show up and kill you.
What does Hillary Clinton call a Trump supporting turtle warming itself in the sun? A basking deplorable
If you're first on a YouTube comment thread, I assume you're last in pretty much everything else.
Whorehouse party My friend had a party at the local whorehouse and everyone came.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Why are Jewish Women like the Bermuda triangle They both swallow seamen.
It's cute how my boss called the plastic container on my desk a "water bottle." Yeah, that's the clear liquid I keep in there.
Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor? He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.
Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say "Will", "you", & "me." That'll keep her busy while u watch sports.
Sometimes it's really hard to tell who's winning when you fight sarcasm with sarcasm.
What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Going in to ask for a coat hanger!
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I can see myself doing it.
How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? 1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was
Your mom is so dumb.... She tried to climb Mountain Dew
A cheers for women's underwear... ...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.
The generic brand Kool-Aid Man just walks into walls and mutters "whatever" and tries to steal your wallet.
Want to Read a Bad Joke? A bad joke.
If you played pokemon in Brazil, you might catch a Zikachu
How do you get herpes viral infection of the eye? Looking for love in all the wrong places.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I'm not allowed in Subway.
What kind of currency do astronauts use in space? Starbucks
He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Manic-Depressive Barbie ...with a set of Oriental throwing knives
Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
Sitting here eating blueberries wondering if my brain is improving Doubt it..... took too long to spell doubt
When is a pentagon not a pentagon? When it's intercepted by a separate plane.
If you were a girl and your last name was Pelled your name would always be Miss. Pelled
What would Gregor Mendel pray for if he had a blender for his experiments? Whirled Peas
There are two types of people on Reddit Karmanaut and Unidan
How do two gays propose? They both get on all fours and present the ring!
Why was the programmer sexist? Because he treats women like objects. EDIT: phrasing
How did the monster cure his sore throat?  He spent all day gargoyling.
'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' is good advice for any best man.
What's a Mexican's favourite sport? Cross country
How many flys does it to take screw in a lightbulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
I really want to learn how to play the Piano.. .. But it's not my forte.
Little Johnny Orders A Pizza "I'll have an extra large pie, but hold the cheese, hold the sauce, and hold the crust on that pizza!" Haha
I have used contact lenses my whole life... I can apply them with my eyes closed.
What is it called when Batman skips church? Christian Bale!
What's worse than waking up after a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced
What is it called when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname... Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute. I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.
In a perfect world anyone that said they, "literally died," would drop dead on the spot.
Q: What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A: A pool table.
I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
I posted this joke 3 days ago Fucking FedEx
Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.
Me at a wine tasting: *swirls glass* *sniffs* *sips slowly* *stares off into the distance* ...Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
What do you call a sheep giving birth in a bedroom? Bedlam
What is the difference between a pub and an elephant fart? One is a bar room, and one is a Barooooooooooooom!
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in the wallet than on dick
How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog? Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code Take one down, patch it around, 126 bugs in the code
Is yur name Atilla cuz you can be my hun anytime!
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
What's a pirates favorite fast food restaurant? Long John silvers
Knock Knock... 1.Knock knock. Whos there? Yoda lady. Yoda lady who? Good job yodeling! 2.Knock knock. Whos there? Well, not your parents, because your parents never knock!
[12 doctors in a meeting] alright. which one of you idiots leaked the 1 weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you. IDIOTS!
Mos Def (Most Definitely.) Hi Def (High. Definitely.)
Who is Bob Dylan's favourite soccer player? Harry Kane.
Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't  pretty and wasn't ugly ? She was pretty ugly
I bought a pair of sneakers from my drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
Did you hear about that new movie about Hitler? It's called 2fast2furherious.
Dating. I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.
A man buys some chocolate pudding from a sweets shop, and finds it's turned a sickly green color. He says to the manager, "this is off pudding."
oh, youvve read a few academic papers on the matter? cute. i have read over 100000 posts.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods had a better driver!
Why do Scotsmen screw their sheep by the side of a cliff? Because they push back harder.
If we went camping... If we went camping and you woke up with a condom in your ass, would you tell anyone? Want to go camping?
Just killed a butterfly. Let's see how this changes all future events.
Ben Carson: Health care is not a right. Trump: We're not gonna just let people die in the streets! Carson: Oh you're so hippocratical!
giving birth and cutting of your fingers are alike alot it hurts like hell and you wont really look the same afterwards. the only difference is that stupid people have to stop after 10 fingers
I just wrote down my best joke ever my best joke ever
How is Donald Trump like a VW Bug? They both spew toxic hot air disguised as being good for Americans.
The past, present and future walked into a bar It was tense.
Before he was a footballer, Messi used to be a stand-up comedian He had to quit because his jokes kept flying over the audience's heads.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean? I haven't had a garbanzo bean on my face.
my ex-gf had multiple personalities it was like having sex with a diff woman everynight except the time she turned into some guy named harry
The "This is not an 'I disagree' button" doesn't work Title. It's like people can't read that sentence.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was far out dude
Can you imagine what would happen if Kate Middleton started doing porn? She would be *royally* fucked!
Why do historians say Hitler was a great mathematician? He could always find the final solution
Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish. I can't even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne
Did you know unicorns exist? Yeah man. You didn't know? They're short and fat, and people call them rhinos.
What is the room temperature on Tatooine? Lukewarm
One word difference One word can change your day, your feelings, and life. Example: "This is your captain speaking" "This isn't your captain speaking"
What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male
Final words on germanwings flight recorder: "Dave's not here..."
*approaches man sitting at the bar Me: would you like to dance Him: yeah! Me: that's great because I need to sit down
Garden Water Features by Lily Pond
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission. Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure' guy? And what is he running for?
I used to watch 7th Heaven religiously
What's the difference between the Harriet Tubman and the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves; the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to the heroin!
Why can't cops eat bacon? Because that would be cannibalism
95% of the world is retarded I'm glad I am the 10%
A man with dredlocks and no religion is.. Currently Jahb less
What's hitler's favorite yu-gi-oh card? Blue eyes blond dragon.
What is your best lawyer joke? I need some new material for the court house.
I bought some toothpaste that must have been created by God. It said on it, "Heal Thy Gums."
Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.
When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."
A guy walks into a bar... The real joke is in the comments.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That's right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
What do you call a deer missing an eye? No-eye deer.
What's with the attitude? I don't know what's gotten into you but I know what hasn't.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she's just not that into you.
Confucius Say Confucius say: Man who run behind bus get exhausted. Man who run in front of bus get tired.
I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?
How did the mathmatician become unconstipated? He worked it out with a pencil
What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick? A docs-hund!
My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds Only 13 more to go
How did Mace Windu from Star Wars die? Through the windu!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Why does a milking stool only have three legs? The cow has the udder.
Two nice guys didn't walk into a bar They both insists they would hold the door for each others.
What do you call a water bottle that objects? A rebuttle
I had some good news today; a TV Station have commissioned my new show about what goes on inside a cockpit. We're filming the pilot next week.
How did the grave robber perish when he became trapped in a pyramid? He died of asphinxiation!
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected. "Why's that?" Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? Goldfish like to muck around the fountain.
Monday mornings are spent avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.
What did Eminem say when his label spelled his name wrong? It doesn't Mather.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...
Star Wars Joke. How many stormtroopers does it take to change a glowpanel? 2. One to change it, and another to shoot him and take the credit.
If I had a sex change, I would change mine to more
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
As a man, I bleed once a month too. When I floss.
Did you hear about the duck that got thrown away? He was down in the dumps.
What do you call a man with a penis in the middle of his face? Fuck nose.
*Follows dreams *Ends up at refrigerator.
How do you know your sister has started her period? Your Dad's dick tastes like blood
Why did Bob get 'Emo' Grass for his lawn? Because it cuts itself.
When I was younger, I was told that anyone could become President. Seeing Trump's campaign, now I believe it.
If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
To do: 1. Read one book. 2. Ask someone if they've read that book. 3. Act incredulous when they say no.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
What's it called when you're using Tinder on the toilet? Swiping and wiping.
I was looking at the menu in a restaurant wondering what the "Jeremy Clarkson Special" was Then it hit me
Eve says to Adam " this salad is so good" Adam says to Eve "That's the basket with my dirty clothes"
What's the difference between a midget and a dwarf? Very little!
What's the worst thing about being black and jewish? Having to sit in the back of the oven.
Q: How can you tell if a cat is blonde? A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its  head.
An actual quote by President George Bush "The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"
Why does Mary Kay walk funny? Her lipstick
My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt." Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
A Jewish boy asks his father for 50 dollars, to which he replied.... 40 dollars? what do you need 30 dollars for?
I had sex while camping yesterday. It was fucking in tents!
Why did ebola cross the road? To infect more people and make them shit out their insides and sweat blood.
The coolest letter. Why is N the coolest letter? Because it's N.Ice
Kids wouldn't stop shooting me. So I took their guns and *nerfed* them.
Her: omg, I'm SO happy for you! Me: *shaking head* No, no, no... I said I got 'enraged', today. Not 'engaged'.
My high school bully just made my McDouble, so I guess I won; but then again I am eating at McDonald's so I guess it's a tie.
How do they cook a turkey in Russia? They nuke it. OR In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!
why does Snoop Dogg use and umbrella? for drizzle..
knock knock...
My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything. You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
Girls spend a lot of time explaining how they never do the thing they just did.
Chernobyl Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident? He thought the Russians were just "overreacting."
Did you know that you're allowed to pull over a cop on your birthday? Try it!
Why are there no female serial killers? Because after the first kill, they have to tell someone.
2 birds talking to each other I think I need to take a shit. What are you waiting for? A car.
It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows
What did the messed up psychologist have for dinner? Freud rice.
Not yet Not yet Not yet Not yet Not yet Not yet Not yet Not yet Not yet Not yet OK! EAT ME NOW Oh! Too late Bananas
"Any women in the audience who think I'm a male chauvinist, say "Boooo!" Every woman in the audience yelled "Booo!" The speaker said to the crowd, "Obedient little bitches, aren't you?"
Is it just me or is solipsism just a load of rubbish?
Revere rides a horse saying "The British are Coming"and it's heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming "look at me"and it's probation?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they're all like: You talk too much....and I want my Mommy.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors? So they can see the front-lines.
They say 3 out of 4 people text and drive Not me; I watch YouTube videos.
I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"
What did the prarie dog coach say to his team? Just gopher it.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her.
What do you call a legless man at the beach during high tide? Fucked.
Walking inside a Nike store would be the worst place to contemplate suicide. Everything is saying Just Do It.
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talking about.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car* Him: *Drives away* Me: *whispers* "yeah, you'll be back."
Budweiser is a lot like sex on the beach; It's fucking close to water.
I added Paul walker on Xbox He spends all his time on the dashboard
Did you hear the joke #4126?
I met my wife in an African Languages class We just clicked
Me:I need to focus on work Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning? Me:Yeah that was sweet Brain: Let's sing that instead
My dentist is going to be so proud of me! I've been brushing my teeth like ten times a day since I started using Betty Crocker toothpaste.
Do you think horses are negative? They seem like real neigh sayers, and they're always whinnying about everything
What's the difference between you and Bear Grylls? You'd get fired if you drank piss at work.
"I've been trying to recapture my lost youth... I really need to get that cellar door fixed." ^^^^^^. ^^^^^^^. Gary Delaney.
We live in a generation where Gorilla Glass technology protects our phones.. ..yet there's nothing that exists that could have saved Harambe.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
chemistry a male and female atom are in a bar. the male goes to the female and makes a terrible pickup line for her. somehow it worked and it didn't take long for the chemistry to start.
What part of the Vatican is made entirely out of amino acids? The Cysteine Chapel
How do you sink a Polish battleship? Put it in water
Whats the German version of silent night? Kristall nacht
What is the only animal in the world that can't get hogh A fish
There's nothing more annoying than someone trying to live by their values
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans
What does Matthew Shephard hate more than being raped, having AIDS, and being pistol whipped? Camping.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner!
Wanna hear a joke? Womens rights
What do you call the largest of the land masses, when it's unable to hold itself together, breaking into smaller land masses and leaking waste water? Incontinent.
I'm rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you're going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My favorite jokes are ones about Pavlov. I always laugh at them without even thinking about it!
Why did the fashion show lose it's attendance? my friend thought it was a strip club. (I'm not good at this, pls don't be harsh)
What is the best part of a Jonestown joke? The punchline
How many Mexicans does it take to build a.... Oh shit they're done That is all
Your dog has stockholm syndrome.
Girls call me a wizard Because it's magic what I do with 3 inches.
What do you call it when someone has sex with Dwayne Johnson? Rock Climbing. heh.
Why do they throw so many Black men in prison? So it hurts more when the pedophiles get raped.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Did you hear about the gay Irish couple? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
My fire alarm keeps going off. I think it's because my girlfriend keeps coming in. She is smoking hot.
Whenever you floss, you should be allowed to go to your dentist's house and collect an allowance.
Daddy, where do bananas come from? Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other...
Shaved my 4 month old beard this morning My wife was upset, she said she really liked it. I told her I felt the same, it really grew on me over the last couple months.
You know that awesome feeling when you finally understand a word problem in math class? Me neither.
What is a Jedi's favorite salad dressing? Skywalker Ranch.
Me: I've read the Bible cover to cover Her: Yeah? Prove it. M: How? H: What is the first sentence in it? M: "Do not remove from motel"
Whats the difference between Caesar and Casanova? Caesar said:"I came, I saw, I conquered." Casanova said:"I saw, I conquered, I came."
want to hear a joke about sodium hypobromite? NaBrO
If you can't handle me at my worst that makes sense and I'm sorry for setting your house on fire.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? Nobody wants a garbanzo bean on their face....ha!
Why does a chicken coup have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
There was a social anxiety convention No one showed up.
My wife just walked into a huge spider web. She is now a black belt in karate.
My sex party was a big disappointment... Nobody came.
Why does no one like the number 4? It's too square.
If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling "It's over here you idiot!"
What did the holy shit say to the priest? I'm glad I got the hell out of there!
Baltimore, eat a snickers. You turn into Ferguson when you're hungry.
Not sure if my bed is calling me or if its the girl I left handcuffed all day
Nothing feels more deflating than when a dog shows zero interest in you.
Did you hear about the fly stuck on the toilet bowl? He got pissed off.
Have you ever had sex while camping.... It's fucking in-tents
Yo mama's so fat when she takes a bath she  fills the tub then turns on the water.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Two potatoes on a street corner There are two potatoes on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute? It's the one with the little sticker on it that says I-da-ho!
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of  fried chicken ? She kicked the bucket !
What's a Sudanese child's favourite TV channel? Khartoum Network.
Last night I got too drunk and sensibly took a bus home Pretty proud of myself...Never drove a bus before.
If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh? Meat.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Shit happens You know what they say: shit happens. That's why every time something bad happens, I pray for constipation.
Alcohol is the worst thing in the world... My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying  "I love you" to his Own Wife !!!
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Grandma got run over by a Prius. Grandma is fine. The Prius is totaled. And there's glitter and Obama stickers everywhere. Merica.
I spend so much time alone I may as well just be ugly.
I warned my friend that the girl he was taking home looked underage, but he said... "If there's grass on the field, I'll play."
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
What did the retail employee say to the young gang member in the fitting room? You dont fit in the hood kid.
Did you hear about the Egyptian boatman who refused to believe his craft was sinking? He was in denial
What's stronger, fifty watts of sound or fifty watts of light? I don't care but would you please stop screaming, turning the lights on and off.
Q: why do the gay guys like midnight? A: twelve DONGS!
How do they keep track of books at the sausage library? The Andouille Decimal System
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don't have to share your snacks.
I want "Wake me if anything cool happens" on my tombstone.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer's name on the floor* I...will be...avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON'T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling "white people milk" and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street
Why couldn't Luke get any sleep? Because the Force Awakens
My doctor said I have high cholesterol Because my dick is too fat
No thanks "protected account". You can't trick me into following you! For all I know, you could be a vegan.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? because it didnt want to swim in the hot chocolate
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Have any of you realized that the self checkout has the sexiest cashier's?
I'm really good in bed.....I stay on my side and rarely steal all the covers.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing.. She was gagging and choking
Susie 1 - Why did Susie fall off the swing? 2 - Because she had no arms 1 - Knock Knock 2 - Who's there? 1 - Not Susie
Have you heard about the movie director from space? Woody Alien
why cant women count to 70 because 69 is a mouth full
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System PLUTO: I'm back, baby! NASA: because we found a new one! PLUTO: SON OF A
[chicken buying a car] Salesman: Hop on in! You're gonna love these bucket seats. Chicken: OH GOD
What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard.
One of my last days in town and my girlfriend asks me what I want to do, and I say we could just sit around. She says what will we sit around?
Dicksuckers Cramp Guy 1: "You know what this face is?" *Holds mouth open in an O* Guy 2: "No, what?" Guy 1: "Dicksuckers Cramp, get it?" Guy 2: "Yeah" Guy 1: "How often?"
What did the Leper say to the Prostitute? Keep the tip.
I've made a list of seven notes on how to get to the front page If you follow the first 6 it will get you a few hundred upvotes but with Note 7 it will blow up
What's the difference between a long bearded redneck and a long bearded ISIS man? One wants to eat filthy american pigs, and the other wants to kill the filthy american pigs.
I have an eating disorder. I'm about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phonebook? Because they all own telephones
First Kangaroo: How do you tell the  difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros? Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.
Why did the pervert cross the road? He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken!
Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it's in high school and I'm not.
There are three types of people in this world... those who can count and those who can't.
What did one succulent say to the other? "Aloe there"
Fighting a lion is on my bucket list but I should probably make it the last thing.
Are one-liners accepted? I immediately stopped telling people I was xenophobic when I realized it doesn't mean "afraid of xenomorphs".
How do you know that Hogwarts is feminist friendly? The entrance is a dumbledore.
Did you hear about the window installer with two penises? He was double-hung.
Kylo Ren: I am your father. Rey: We're roughly the same age. You're just copying everything Vader said. Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre Didn't go over too well in r/pics.
Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? A: Between the two of us we can make a lot of money.
My friend and I have a pact that if we're not married by age 40, we're going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
What does a scientist who has an epiphany while peeing say? Urea!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.
The Republican primary race should be called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" It's way too long, and the protagonists are becoming more juvenile as it goes on.
Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised? They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.
If you use a wrong word in a tweet and a grammar nazi loses his shit- Try these consoling words : "Their, there, they're. It'll be okay"
Say "Oh my God" 5x fast, then say "I got 'em" 5x fast.. Have you found Jesus? Lol, jk.. But they sound pretty similar, don't they?
Anagram It told me to nag a ram.
Ever heard of the 68 position? You go down on me now and I'll owe you one.
When droid BB-8, was asked whether it should be referred to as "he" or "she"... BB-8 replied, "I roll both ways." http://i.imgur.com/umSzUjp.gifv
I slipped on some black ice yesterday. At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.
Say what you want about porn stars... but they work hard, right up until the moment they get off.
Did you hear about the priestess who accidentally healed the evil darklord? Talk about a clerical error!
2 Mexicans escape from prison. "Jesus, take the wheel!"
France declared war on al Qaida yesterday. Thank God, for someone needed to teach the terrorists how to surrender.
What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved? He grounded him.
What's the difference between Wright and Rong? Wright yells, "Objection!' Rong is your typical Chinese man.
What do you call it when you give chairs to the poor? A Chair-ity!
My dad drove in a pothole and his tire popped, this is how it went Badum-tsss
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Roller coasters are like your first time having sex. for the amount of time it takes to get there, you wish it lasted longer.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they'd broken one of my keyboard keys. I onder hich one.
It's easier to compliment a woman when you're traveling with a toddler. "Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes."
If Jesus played soccer, what position would he play? Not on the wing, he doesn't do well with crosses.
I spend 17% of my day wiping the fingerprints off my phone screen.
My ex-girlfriend and I both went blind before we broke up. After that, we just couldn't see each other anymore.
Oral Sex: A taste of things to come
Where did the English teacher and the student fight? in the MLA boxing ring
What do you call a fake noodle? An ImPASTA!
What's the difference between sex and golf? In golf one bad hole won't kill you.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Why did the melons decide to have a wedding? Because they cantaloupe.
I found a great way to stop procrastinating! I'll tell you guys later.
I've been crying a lot recently It's shocking how many girls carry pepper spray
I quit drinking and my beer belly is now a pot belly.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it!
Jared Bogle Always trying to get into smaller pants
Went for "a walk" today, like some kind of prehistoric moron.
Kim Kardashian is essentially three asses stacked on top of each other.
Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing? Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.
What's the worst way to lose your job? By firing squad.
Why are there no Irish lawyers? You ever seen an Irishman pass a bar?
What's the difference between a prostitute in the bath tub and a nun? The nun has hope in her soul.
Why doesn't Mexico have a team in the summer Olympics? Because all the ones who can run, jump or swim are ready in the US.
Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds...not the religious robey dudes.
What do you get with breaking news? News casts
What's the worst advice calculus can give you? Integral of e^x because that's Se^x dx and it's never a good idea to sex the ex!
Arianna Huffington said Donald Trump is not getting enough sleep, so why isn't he getting enough sleep? Apparently not having enough **Melania**tonin at night!
What do you call a nun that is lost? A Roamin' Catholic
Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.
Welcome to r/Jokes Where the jokes aren't funny and the points don't matter!
What do you do with a stuck tap..? Fawcett.
Congratulations USA We have officially gone black and gone back.
What happened when the owl lost his voice ?  He didn't give a hoot !
What did one cloud of fog say to the other? I don't know. It's a Mistery.
Did you hear about Pala Deans new restaurant? They only serve crackers!
Can't wait for "Watch Where You're Going, Dummies" Ricky Gervais' new show where he laughs at blind people crossing a busy street.
How do you turn lead into gold? Start a war.
I like to cook my meat like I like my women Low and slow.
I was going to tell a Periodic table joke... ...But they all Argon
A father takes his son fishing Son: Dad, can you teach me how to catch fish? Dad: Sure, son! first you throw the clickbait into the water Son: What next? Dad: What happens next will shock you!
A black man, a white guy, a muslim and a communist walk into a bar..... Bartender says "what can i get you mr. president?"
How much sex do couples have? Newly weds: "Tri-weekly." After 10 years: "Try weekly." After 30 years, "Try, weakly."
A priest, rapist, and a child molestor walk into a bar Then he ordered a drink.
I will never trust a poster who claims to be an obstetrician. Because OP never delivers.
What do compassion and sex have in common? Without passion it's only cum!
Never tell a joke about a midget. They can come back to bite you on the ass
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An envelope!
Xperia M2 dual my sony xperia m2, hanging so much after updating this new year, even when using facebook and making a call, any one faced this problem
deleted scenes are rarely worth the time but on Honey I Shrunk the Kids check out one where the dad thinks he's alone and starts jerking it
A neutron walks into a bar and asks: "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies: "For you? No charge."
R niggers 2 gay 4 u? How many jews can you fit in a volswagnon? 2 in the front,2 in the bak, and none in the ashtray because the holocaust didn't happen,
What helps keep your teeth together? Toothpaste.
It's actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Why is the Mars Rover banned from pet stores? Curiosity killed the cat.
Why doesn't Casper have any children? He has a hollow-weiner.
I survived Sharknado, but my friends didn't... ... I miss those chums
10 years ago, if you would've told me that I'd be having a daughter at 28, I would've murdered you for being a robot from the future.
What do you call a nun that is going for a walk? A roamin catholic
A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks, "why the long face?" The horse starts crying. In between the sobs, he says "it's not my fault I look like Sarah Jessica Parker!"
From my 8yo daughter: What do you call a boat made out of corn? A: A tortilla ship!
My main move is to say "long story short," but then hit you with long story medium.
why do giraffes have long necks? because they have smelly feet!!
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though. The plot thickens...
I wish there was some way to get rid of the stupid apple in this caramel apple.
Why did my sperm cross the road? Because my wife wore the wrong socks.
So, why were they called the dark ages? There were too many knights.
Did you hear about the Bourne identity movie? Matt Damon returns in ..........Still Bourne
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My girlfriend got a dog, "Missy." She messes inside a lot though, especially if I show too much attention to the dog.
A black lesbian, an obese white neck-beard, and an Indian comic walk into a bar. What do you get? A Netflix original series!
Whats the worst thing about the deaf women being raped She didn't hear them cumming
If it weren't for double standards, some people would have no standards at all.
You really gotta hand it to short people because they usually can't reach it anyways.
What do you call a blad man with dandruff? A Snowglobe!
You put the punchline in the title Wanna know how to spoil a joke?
My pastry factory has been pretty successful... So far we've had a good turnover.
That awkward moment: You're watching a movie with your Dad when a sex scene comes on. And then your dad starts stroking your balls. Am I right??
Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party? The cake comes out of the girl.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That'll be $3.25 DUCK: Can you put it on my bill? CASHIER: That's not where it goes, silly
Feminism is a broad issue.
What's the only thing a feminist is going to change? The Laundry
News reports say that someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown. The cops have nothing to go on.
Paying for things with hugs Because it's legal tender.
What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne ? Sat down !
In tonight's debate Trump said we can't trust the rebels I'm not surprised; he has always reminded me of Emperor Palpatine.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
I find it kinda funny that people still reuse memes from 10 years ago and i find it kinda sad that these things these people talk of are the best they ever have.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they're changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Did you hear about the man with five keen senses? He still lacked common and horse!
Hitler is walking in an extermination camp with the camp manager.. "Why is there such a sweet smell in the air?" Hitler asked. "Today we're burning the diabetic" answered the manager. Edit: Spelling.
What is the name of a dog with no legs and metal balls? Sparky
What does an insecure white kid do when he accidentally leaves a page? Alt+Right
Why did the orange fall out with the orange-peeler? Because he was taking the pith. /gets coat. bai.
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef strokanoff.
How do the French defend a city? We don't know, they've never tried it.
You should never trust a molecule They make up everything.
remember teens: even Jesus once logged off for 3 days
What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?
Did you hear about the guy who ate his trousers? He pooped his pants!
I hate how funerals are always at 9-10 AM... I'm not really a mourning person
What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime? A Ouijaboo.
Had a rabbit that would come by every morning. I'd leave a bit of food for him. But he stopped coming one day. Now he's just some bunny that I used to know.
If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
What's the difference between my basement and a Ferrari? One is filled with hookers, and the other is my basement!
Got this email from a friend:  CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?
Another yo momma joke Yo momma so fat she emits more gravity waves than colliding black holes
There are 10 kinds of people in the world... Those who understand hexadecimal and F the rest.
What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump? One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? How the hell did they get inside a light bulb?
What do you call a transvestite postal worker? a mail lady
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID* you sure you're 3? *dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I'm naked, but then I don't get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We're in a drought, idiot.
why didn't the young bald eagle need a chaperone? he already had super-vision.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
What is white and blue and swings through the jungle? a refrigerator wearing a denim jacket
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her "insurance would call" me. Someones still carrying a torch!
What do you call a trapped fly in a frying pan of stir fry? Your mum
Last week, Puerto Rico's Governor said that they couldn't pay their debt. From now on, the Island will be known as Puerto Pobre.
What's the core body temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke Warm
Don't be racist. It doesn't matter if you're black, asian or normal!
I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that's 10 times better.
I dowloaded the song "Runnin' down a dream" illegally from the internet... I got charged with Petty theft.
Why do Ethiopians have fly swatters? To hunt for their food.
So many women in the world, but out of all the men in the world who has the best picks? Probably climbers and miners.
I'm sleepier than a cupcake stand. They are tiered... sorry, this joke has too many layers.
How many lazy people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Count for yourself...
There should be a terrible show about a woman, her mom, and her daughter, all 3 named Jennifer, called "Jenerations" on Lifetime or the CW.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? He walked . . . . . . . . . . . . . J.K..................... Rowling
Good Cop: step away from the ledge Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.
Why was the snowman smiling? He heard the snow blower coming
What's a white supremacist's favorite cereal? Special KKK.
[Walking around park with kid] Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green? Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Some people say I am an evil person. But thats not true. I have the heart of a sweet young girl, in a jar under my bed.
What advantage do gay black guys have over gay white guys? They only have to come out to their mother.
What do you a white convict stuck between two black convicts? An Oreo crookie
"I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy the store brand that's on sale instead." The last thoughts of a man who's about to die.
If you don't wear ear protection, do you run the risk of getting Hearing AIDS?
Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.
FRIEND: What 3 books would you have on a desert island? ME: My first book is more books. F: What? These aren't wish M: Second book's a TV.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
There are two kinds of people in the world These who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Why do lesbians have belly buttons? To hold the tartar sauce.
How Wonderful Did you hear the story of the man that had the great honor of being crushed by a steam roller? He was flattered
It's good to know how to jerk off sometimes... It comes in handy.
BOSS: it's national replace H's with F's day ME: really? BOSS: yep, you're hired! ME: hahaha-wait BOSS: get out ME: what the huck?
What's red, 6in. long and my gf cries when I feed it to her? Her Miscarriage.
There are a lot of advantages white people have over black people. But there's one advantage gay blacks have over white ones. When a gay black comes out, they only have to deal with one parent.
What did The Zodiac Killer say before killing his victims? "You're Cruz'n for a bruising".
Our carbon monoxide detector keeps beeping and waking me up from my nap.
I called a suicide hotline today... they do NOT give the kind of advice I was looking for.
I realized today that the Vans logo looks like a square root symbol. It's probably because they're so radical.
Why was the Dalai Lama not upset after he spilled spaghetti sauce? Because it happened in the *past*a.
I think I have hit rock bottom in my life. Do you know where I can buy some new tacks?
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: a word
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile. Robin: I'm so excited! *curtain opens* Robin: Bruce, that's a car bed... Batman: You're welcome.
I found out when my birthday was and now I can never have a surprise party.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
What did the Japanese man say when he jumped out of Office Depot? SUPPLIES!!!
When toddlers get naked and run around giggling, it's "cute" and "funny" ...but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target"
Dammit Springsteen, I was born in the USA too but you don't see me making millions in monthly residuals from a 20 year old song about it.
I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.
A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.
Why do penguins never go to England? Because they're afraid of Wales!
Want to hear the corniest poop joke ever? No? Too late.
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, it just waved. Sea what I did there? I'm shore you did. Laugh, you son of a beach!
What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty? Are you my mother?
Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful Thought of this in traffic yesterday
What did the man say to the giant squid? What's kraken? JAJAJAJAJJAJJAJA
How do you get a gay guy to screw a women? Shit in her pussy.
A polite German who never showers walks into a cathouse... ...and does his buisness. All the women then commented on how he had quite a "gru dich."
NSFW - Want to hear a dirty Joke? The white horse rolled in the mud. Hiyo. Try the salisbury steak I'll be here all week. (I know its an old one, but it always made me laugh)
You can eat a huge bag of cashews right in front of a cop and he can't do shit about it because cashews aren't illegal.
Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge.
What do you call two guys above a window? Curt 'n Rod
What do you call a grandma that know martial arts? A grandmartial artist. I apologise for any lost brain cells.
If by raw food you mean cookie dough, then yes, I love raw food.
What do my iPhone and my girlfriend have in common? They both go off again two minutes later to remind me of the same thing.
Who's the most popular guy on a nude beach? The one who shows up with a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, 1 beaver, a shit load of hares, a camel toe, and a fish nobody can find.
If you get raped... Then at least you know there is someone in the world who wants you.
when i got asked to do the thanksgiving prayer Thanks Obama!
What does the physicist have to eat when he goes to the pub? Fission chips.
use this coupon for the pizza its expired whats the worst that could happen [calls wife 10min later] hello Im in something called pizza jail
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabidooo.
Real laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
What's the worst thing you can do in the name of cupidity? Going to Thailand with your own children
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn't even come close to my 5 year old's reaction when I told him that there's no school today.
How do you mute an Italian? Tie up their hands.
TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun. Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.
Whats a really famous corn? Pop corn. Get it? like e.g, pop stars
It's fun to watch babies taste new things like ice cream, lemons, or 9-volt batteries.
Did you hear about the man who was sexually attracted to cars? He had an auto-erotic affixation.
What do the UFC and Beauty Salons have in common? They're both full with Brazilian pussies!
Old fire fighters never quit They just do asbestos they can.
I just finished reading Great Expectations. It wasn't all I hoped it would be.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I hadn't masturbated for a month. Seriously, when I ejaculated it was six feet. Which was unusual, as usually it's cum. Strange day.
I need a joke about lightning keep it pg thanks.
Do you know that awesome feeling after understating math? Me neither
Threading the hook... Are those fishermen that are good with their hands, wrangling the worm -- called Master Baiters ? Boom-boom
What do you call a second hand gold necklace? Recyc-bling (I'm pretty sure I thought of this myself but I used to smoke the Mary Jane a lot so......)
I dropped my iPhone in water and now I'm unable to make phone calls. So basically it's the same as it was before.
What is the most heinous, disgusting, perverse, NSFW joke that you know?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Q: Why do blonde's get confused in the ladies room? A: They have to pull their own pants down.
A city is only really home when you stop being mystified by its public transport system and instead are just constantly angry at it.
What is the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple generally waits until you are a teenager before it comes on your face.
After their meal of rawmen and a cup of joe, what do cannibals use to freshen their breath? MenToes
When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie... I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Ma'am, I never said your baby is ugly. In fact, I have not even seen it. However, the aardvark in your stroller is adorable.
[pharmacy] "Can I help you?" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
What do you call somebody who is content being average sized? A happy medium.
Housekeeper &gt;I am a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
I've heard a lot of gossip about molasses today. It's nothing more than viscous rumours.
Help, I just sunk the wrong submarine and I need legal advice Whoops! Wrong sub.
I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn't. So now I'm mourning wood.
Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it's too long.
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
Excited about my bike, I decided to start a cycling club. It's been weeks and no one has joined Maybe The Pedalphiles wasn't the best name :-/
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
What did Chuck Norris told his father when he left home for college? You are the man of the house now.
What did the little boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened them yet.
Who is the scariest hobbit? Lorena
The early bird needs to shut the fcuk up.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life ...if I die next Tuesday.
What part of the hospital does John Cena hate the most? the ICU
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
There are two types of people in the world... 1. People who masturbate 2. Fucking Liars
What do you call a camel without humps? Humphrey.
Why doesn't barbie have any kids?
There's a strong correlation between the amount of pre-made holes in a guy's jeans & his level of douchiness.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, "Now, what I'm about to say is correct"
What does an elite hacker get after being arrested? [deleted]
What's the difference between a man and a woman? A vas deferens.
Why wasn't the fella able to get out when he fell in the river? Cause it was on a Sunday and the banks were closed?
Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I'd say ominous things like "Look both ways before you cross The Street"
Why are atheists so light? They have no mass.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fruit salad
I couldn't figure out why that frisbee was getting bigger... ...and then it hit me!
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism? v2 Allah's Snackbar.
Just found out my girlfriend has a vagina Should I break up with her?
Earth? yeah, I'd hit that -meteor
Keep your friend's clothes in your enemy's toaster.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it. (heard this somewhere)
What starts with an F and ends in "uck"? Fuck
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school. It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know. They just keep going on and on about how the last one broke.
What do you call a ship that drives itself? Auto-pirate.
Confucius say... French girl high maintenance. Chinese girl Lo Mein-tenance.
Whenever I go bowling.... I enter my name as "3 testicles". That way, occasionally the monitor says "Congratulations 3 testicles! You got a spare!"
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
Slept with a girl who had eczema last night The sex was alright but her tits were cracking!
I always thought Hamlet was the story of a small pig.
*through a mouthful of Nutella* Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
What does a desperate Mexican do? Bangs his head against the wall.
Why can you only drown a hipster in a tributary? Because, it isn't mainstream.
"Do you want to hold my baby?" Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I saw a scary looking Middle-Eastern man so Iran
I'd like to tell you a joke about paper... but it's tearable.
I met a dyslexic Christian who was also a carpenter... Kind of weird meeting someone who believes in guardian angles.
Pretty sure Craigslist is just a secret genetics lab and they send out their failed experiments to come pick up the stuff you sell there.
Sharks prefer Stevie Wonder to Ray Charles in a blind taste test.
Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it's getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.
What's the difference between a guitar and an elevator? I didn't expose myself inside a guitar this morning.
My weightlifting trainer told me the key is "If it burns, it grows" So I lit my cock on fire
It's yellow, lives in a tree, and is very annoying? A Banananananana Banananananana!
I am one "Mom!" away from making the 6 o'clock news.
How can you tell male from female ants? Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it's buoyant.
What do you call a blonde in a closet? Last years hide and seek champion
How do you hide money from a Republican? Put it in a science textbook.
Did you hear about the russian prosititute Nickersonanoff
The inventor of the throat lozenge died today... There will be no coffin at the funeral.
I now have 8 apps to communicate with the same people.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch  of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one.
What do you call a disease that only effects ducks? A mallard-y
How were you conceived? Daddy came on his shoe and kicked mommy in the ass. Or Daddy came on the wall and mommy ran against the wall.
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The wall behind him.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car. Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
How do you spell onomatopoeia? Just spell it like the way it sounds!
Bill Cosby sure does love pudding Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong.
What music do dyslexic programmers listen to? Run/CMD
I walked into a room full of men masturbating   They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
I like my woman like I like my coffe With no pubic hair.
What happens if an Asian gets stung by a bee? Their GPA drops
What did the the dad say to the feminist? Hugh Mungus
Today is Tax Day. It's going to be a tough day for the few hundred people in the U.S. that are still making an income.
Where do Amish people go to get medicine? To the farmacy.
Last Supper Recently discovered scrolls reveal Jesus' words to his disciples at the Last Supper: "If you guys want to be in the picture, you've got to get on this side of the table."
I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward.
A guy named Charles lived in a foreign country for many many years. When he came back, everyone started calling him "Harles". Why? Because long time, no c..
1 in 5 American children are now on food stamps which is why we must cut food stamps to reduce their dependency on food.
Michigan and Ohio fought a war over Toledo... Michigan won and Ohio has to keep it.
A guy asks a nurse about his wife.. guy: Nurse when do you think we can have sex? Nurse:wait I'll just go and change.
I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you know we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says.... ...Ralph?
me: [slides bank teller a note] bank teller: what's a "roblery"
When I see a lovers name carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it's acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too? ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure. ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
I love Clint Westwood easterns. Especially The Bad, the Good and the Handsome.
What makes a joke about ISIS funny? The execution
Engineers will get it They should call it a "Bachelor because of Science".
What they say: Want a bite of my sandwich? What I hear: How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Did you hear about the erectile dysfunction support group meeting? It was a total flop, nobody came.
Donald Trump and I have a lot in common People like him, but nobody knows why
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar He buys a beer.
Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* "That's what she said"
Facebook has made me hate birthdays more than funerals.
Legally, you are not required to tell your boss WHY you saved all those Burt Reynolds pictures to the desktop.
I'm starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
You know why you can't scare a gay guy? Because they're not fucking pussies
If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys, I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
What is a suicidal person's favorite card game? Bridge.
A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight. She told me, "Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"
I painted my PC black to make it run faster Now it doesn't work
What do you call it when a plant used TV Tropes? A TV Tropism.
I'm writing a book about futurology. It's coming soon.
What does Tupac Shakur and Oceans 13 have in common?... They were both shot in Vegas!
'C' has just been promoted to the second letter of the alphabet! However R &amp; D believe the rise in C levels will result in a loss of B's.
Greatest Photocopy Machine 9Gag
A cop stops a drunk man and asks "how high are you?" The man replies. "That is wrong English. You should say 'Hi how are you?'"
Three Men Walk Into A Bar The bartender then says... "How'd you guys get in here?"
Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.
TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich Oops, wrong sub
How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock? She waits until midnight and plugs it back in. Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.
How do Jews fight? With JewJitsu
what colour are Marios overalls? denim denim denim
[Adam and Eve in bed] Adam, am I really the only girl for you? GOD EVE, YOU'RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I have a dog named Lucky... Sometimes he escapes so we have to go get Lucky. And sometimes it'll be dark out so we'll be up all night to get Lucky.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
What is Grammar? The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit
Dad rocks,son shocked! Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Why do Catholics drink? ...because they're filled with the Holy Spirit
What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer The taste
I'm hungry for pancakes AND vague racism. Aunt Jemima, it is!
I'm going to start rubbing myself up against people when they've got nice food. If it works for my cat, it'll work for me.
How do you keep a fool in suspense... I'll tell you tomorrow.
How do you remember your wife's birthday? forget it once.
ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don't know.
"I'm turning over a new leaf" -Adam telling Eve that he's seeing another woman
Two scientists walk into a bar... One asks for a H2O, the other asks for a H2O too. The bartender hands them both glasses of water and asks them why they're talking in scientific terms.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it's Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
son let me tell you about the birds and the bees... I left a window opened and they flew in and now I'm scared to go in that room
What do you get when you mix a Mexican with an octopus? I dont know, but it sure as hell can pick apples.
Not a joke, sorry, but I'm new to this subreddit... Does this subreddit actually have 36 million "humorists" or is that a joke? If so, I don't get it.
What'd the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
When I die, scatter me across my ex's front lawn. Also, don't cremate me.
Knock knock The game
What do vegetarian zombies eat ? terri schiavo
How do they prevent crime in hamburger country? With burger alarms!
MOBA Joke Why are Americans bad at MOBAs? Because they cant defend towers.
How do you beat George Foreman in a fight? Punch him in the grill
My position on marijuana is slumped in a beanbag chair.
Scientists have discovered a new way to get AIDS from toilets You sit down before the other man is done.
To kill a mockingbird should have been titled "how to kill a mockingbird." Learn English idiot.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway? me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car
I love when the family tells puns on easter They are always so eggciting to hear.
When I was a kid, my parents gave me a drum set for Christmas. They let me bang them as long as it wasn't after midnight. They always slept better after being banged.
[death row] Guard: alright tough guy one last meal Me: a cyanide pill Guard: what? no we want to kill you! Me: too bad Guard: aw man
Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?
I don't pay my taxes... Because I'm smart.
I believe in strict gun control [gun sneaks toward front door] Where do you think you're going at this hour? [gun hangs head & turns around]
In general, girls don't like to be described as "beefy". Even if you love beef.
I always take a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it is always the same one...
[showing my family to coworker] This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack. "You named your daughter Jack?" Nope, mittens
What do you mean I've had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.
like my grandfather did, i want to die peacefully in my sleep... ...not screaming and yelling like his passengers
I was furious when I found my wife's profile on a dating website That lying bitch isn't "fun to be around"
Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons? Because they're made exclusively for cunts.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids. Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he'd brought home a girlfriend.
When you assassinate, you make an ass out of ass innate.
How can you tell when Dracula is sick? By his coughin'
What separates Humans from Animals? The Mediterranean Sea.
How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they don't change anything.
How does the sun cut his hair? Eclipse it.
What do the letters G, I, T, N, H, N &amp; O have in common? nothing
Three statisticians are hunting when they see a rabbit. The first one shoots and misses him on the left. The second shoots and misses him on the right. The third one shouts, "We've hit it!"
I had a wet dream about you last night I dreamed that you got hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing.
The issue of cannibalism and the afterlife A cannibal dies. He moves on to the afterlife. He goes to a bar. He drinks a spirit. He says "sorry, I needed seconds.".
Why were Porn Stars not affected by the recession? Some jobs always have sticky wages...
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3... He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* disappeared without a tres.
Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
How to insult an elder in the museum. Say "I would shake your hand, but the sign says "Do not touch the artifacts."".
What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?  A harebrush.
I intend to live forever... or die trying.
Why do zombies always kill at comedy clubs? Because their jokes are told post-humorously!
People always ask why I'm wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my senor year.
My grandfather told me this joke. A man jumps off a skyscraper. Halfway down, he says: "so far so good"
What's the difference between a slice of toast and the French? You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast.
If Last Names Often Come From Ancestors' Professions... Then what the fuck was wrong with Bruce Dickinson's family?
What's long and hard on a black man? The first grade.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, he didn't get across, but he made it to the other side.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men's Room for 45 mins. WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says "he's not coming back"
I told the Starbucks batista my name was Mary Krismas... They still can't get the spelling right.
Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache? Because in between stroking it, he said "hello, let me clear you off a place to sit."
todd: *sobbing uncontrollably* me: relax it was just a little earthquake todd's wife: he's an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had
What's the difference between an 115 year old man and a 46 year old woman ? sixty-nine
A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
Woman Attacks her Husband This woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars. Judge: "First Offender?" Woman: "No. First a Gibson Les Paul. Second a Fender."
What's the only mammal that can breathe under ice? An elephant hiding in your fridge
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
What kind of orange juice do Jews drink? All kinds, just not concentrated
This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow.
Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white
I'ts so cold outside... I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
The best thing about hand sanitizer in hospitals isn't the hygiene. It's everyone walking around like they're hatching an evil plan.
What was the favorite food of the thrifty Italian who loved contractions? A pasta free.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
What's the difference between very large building and pigeon? just one 's'. One is skyscraper and the other one is skycraper.
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler
So won't Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My parrot got himself a new suit. It's polly ester.
Balloons think they're so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, "Pfft."
Hair in bun=housework Hair in ponytail=oral sex Body language is important-So he doesn't get excited when I'm about to 2 scrub the toilet
The only thing worse than having a small penis... Is having small arms.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn't happen, you've clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a pinata.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool
What did one snowman say to the other? "Weird...I smell carrots, too."
I like my women like I like my student debt Always there and constantly fucking me
Your mama is so fat..... Your daddy proposed to her with an onion ring.
Why did the bald man draw rabbits all over his head? From a distance they look like hares!
My cat's name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw "Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda"
Where do they send female terrorists? Guantanamo Bae.
I used to be very indecisive But now I'm not so sure if I am anymore.
Why was the female bank teller angry? She was going through the change...
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Two Sikhs are fighting with each other on the street... "I WILL A KILL YOU!" One says blatantly. "AND THEN?" The other bellows while widening his eyes.
Why can't elephants go skinny dipping? They can't get their trunks off...
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Why aren't the Italians afraid of the biscuit? Because it ain't nothing butter biscuit!!!
Autocarrot sucks!
What does a man with one leg wear to the beach? Flop.
Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn't changer her mind..DUMP HER!
[1692 Salem] "BURN THE WITCH" U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH "No, Frank, at the stake" [quickly lighting torch] Right, I knew that.
Cancer cures smoking.
What sort of drug does a duck use? Quack cocaine
For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo. That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.
Really Speedo Guy? Things aren't bad enough in the world already? You've got to display to the whole beach that you're hung like a Tic-Tac?
I should have made a website called www.reallydontfit.com and posted all the pics of fat chicks wearing skinny clothes this weekend. @MaleHonesty86
What do you call a pig that votes? Polled pork.
How does Moses make tea He brews it..
Q: What do you have when you have a cow and two ducks? A: Milk and quackers.
What's an old woman taste like? Depends ...
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven't slept or eaten in days.
What type of bagel can fly? A plain (plane) bagel!
I've decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back
How do magicians hide their boners? The power of missed-erection.
A man went into his local pharmacy to purchase condoms. After ringing his item up the cashier asked, "Would you like a bag?" The man responded, "No, she's not that ugly."
What is a prime way of knowing when a retard is thirsty? He'll have water on the brain.
Kylo Ren and Supreme Leader Snoke go to a restaurant. Why did Snoke get his meal before Kylo Ren? Because he made the First Order!
Sorry to interrupt, but the personal story you're in the middle of telling reminds me of how much I love attention.
Kim Kardashian's baby will be the whitest person to ever see her vagina.
If a group of ducks were controlling the "autocorrect" feature that would be ducking insane
As told to me by my 5y/o nephew at the dinner table... Why did the elephant cross the road? &amp;nbsp; Because he farted!
How does a Welshman find sheep in long grass? Irresistible.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The oldest British joke (10th Century): What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key.
Rosie O'Donnell is such a hipster ...she hated Trump before it was cool.
What is the similarity between Election and Erection? The words election and erection are spelled similarly. They both have the same meaning too: a dick rising to power.
bacon and eggs walk into a bar bartender says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
now when we see rotten food we think "we should throw this out" but in the past, they'd be like "are there any shitty concerts coming up?"
Bartender: What can I get you? Me: Drunk
What do you call a masochist looking for a hookup? Cruisin' for a bruisin'
I think it's nice that the vowels sometimes let "Y" into their crew.
OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.
Which eggs are the best for Easter? Empty ones (   )
Trump promises to bring back Jobs If he can save the iphone 8 from deleting the charge port he can save America
Two women are at a cafe, sitting quietly
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Why did the computer freeze? It got frostbyte.
Jews would love to believe in Santa.. ..but they're not fans of anybody that keeps a list with peoples names on it.
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.
A guy walks into a bar... He says "ouch!" and grabs his forehead.
You can tune a guitar... but you can't tuna fish!
I cant believe Whoopi Goldberg hasn't legally changed her last name to "Cushion." I mean, why even be a celebrity??
2 blondes walk into a bank You'd have thought one of them would have seen it
"Dad, what do you think about abortion?" --Ask your sister --But I don't have a sis...
A man with a mirror leaves a party... ... and says "I'll see myself out."
A little girl was next in line. 'My name's Curtain' she said. 'I hope your first name is not Agnate ?' 'No it's velvet !'
What did batman say to robin? What did batman say to robin before they got in the bat-mobile? "Get in"
A Blind Man Walked Into A Bar... and a table.
What's the difference between cab drivers and F1 drivers? F1 driver doesn't think he's a cab driver
Where would you find the emo kid at his birthday party? Just *hanging* out by himself in the bedroom
What is flat, at the center of the universe, and warming?
What do Mexicans use with the Wii-U? Amiigo
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? Convincing their family to consent to it!
I went to a camouflage themed party the other day... but I didn't see anybody there.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Well, if you're going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
My bike is getting old. I had to retire it.
[NSFW] I'm almost legal and want to discuss sex with my parents but I'm worried how incest will affect our relationship.
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a nobel prize? They said he was outstanding in his field
To smell good while aboard the ISS, astronauts wear ... Old Space.
The invention of the shovel was a groundbreaking discovery
What dance do hippies hate? A square dance.
What did the left leg say to the right leg? Between me and you, we can make a lot of money.
Why did the man put his car in the oven? Because he wanted a hot rod.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2, but I don't know how they got in there
One sperm says to another... "Hey, which way to the egg?" The other sperm replies, "I'm not sure, but we just passed the tonsils."
Why was the Rastafarian poor? Because he was jah bless
I had sex for an hour and 45 seconds last night. Thanks daylight savings!
How does the Pope pay for things online? Papal
If I had a dollar for every gender that exists.... I'd have two dollars.
"God's last name is not Dammit." Unknown
My wife left me because "I am addicted to video games".. I was so sad I could hardly console myself
I'm no cactus expert. But, I know a prick when I see one.
What do you give to an elephant who suffering from diarrhea? Space.
When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa... "Whatcha doin?" Papa would say, "I'M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS." Best advice ever.
My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
It's the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I think it's a shame that young people today no longer even know why we celebrate Halloween. None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn't slain that fucking giant pumpkin.
I broke up with my girlfriend when I found out she only has 4 toes on each foot.... Turns out I'm lack-toes intolerant..
My friend asked me to take a look at something on r/jokes I replied, "No thanks, I already reddit."
What do you calla brown guy that asks a lot of question? A curry-ous guy
A Quebecer staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.
There's plenty of fish in the sea(fixed) But until I find one I'm just stuck holding my rod
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
What is the difference between animal abuse and animal cruelty? . . . The size of your dick.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Things I'm doing today * going to the gym * having sex * lying
Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.
Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job. I hope it's me this year!
Did you hear about that broom on the news?? It's sweeping the nation
Bosses are like diapers... Always on your ass and normally full of shit
Smokey: "Only you can prevent forest fires" Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
A police man pulled me over and said "papers". So I said "Scissors! I win" and drove off
What do you call the National Conference for Bridgebuilders? RubiCon.
If you want to have sex with a frog, use a condom If you want to enjoy it, rib it
What's Alderaan's main export? Dead bodies.
Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and... SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I was dropped on my head as a baby but not as hard as the pound just dropped.
Looks like it's time to start pretending Andy Murray isn't Scottish again...
What do you call a sleepwalking nun ? Roamin' Catholic
Me: I love you Wife: I will testify against you if required
Born too late to explore the earth, born too early to explore the Galaxy... ...born too ugly to explore a woman.
[Calling concert venues across the country] Hi yes, I'm just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled "weekend" incorrectly
Drown that bastard! No mercy! Nana please... this is a baptism.
I'm kind of scared. So, last week I swallowed an ice cube whole and I haven't pooped it out yet. I'm getting kinda worried, should I go see a doctor or nah?
Once you stop doing functional programming... You never return
actors kiss each other for like 7 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 4 months
On which side of the road do you drive? -Left. -Well, that doesn't sound right.
Doctor, how long do I have left to live? - Ten. - Ten what? - Nine.
[no spoiler] Why is the BB unit droid not hungry? Because BB-8
What do you call a cow that gets an abortion? De-calf-inated
How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it
Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.
What shoes do Ninjas wear? Sneakers!
Men need to stop looking at women as sex objects... They can also cook and clean!
Apparently there's enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
What's the difference between erotic and kinky ? Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use a whole chicken.
You should skydive without a parachute. It's a once in a lifetime experience.
Apparently 1 in 7 people in the world are Chinese. That means it's either me, my mum, dad, brother Steve, brother Craig, sister hanna, or brother huangxi. I suspect Craig.
What do you get when you mix castor oil with holy water? A religious movement.
My phone died... There won't be any service.
Why did the doctor toss his patient down a well? He tried to kill them.
Never Go Shopping When You Are Hungry. but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
What do you call a deaf chick in bed? Anything you want
How was copper wire invented? Two jews found the same penny.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
what do you call bees on halloween? boo bees
REMINDER: Joe Biden is the only American vice president in the last 15 years who hasn't shot a friend in the face.
Took me forever to find this chronology book. It's about time.
A parakeet that won't shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
What's the difference between a bonus and a penis? A wife will blow a bonus.
You know, I heard listening to Queen has been scientifically proven to give people autism. Apparently because of the unusually high Mercury content.
What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeno business.
What did one coconut say to the other? Oh my god a talking coconut!
Why cant a Gorilla get a job? BECAUSE HE'S BLACK
"I like your pushy."  Sean Connery talking dirty to his woman
What happened to the tree when the lumber jack hit on it? It got all sappy
What do you call a factory that only makes good products? A satisfactory
My parents didnt take me seriously when i came out It was because i couldn't keep a straight face
Do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese... and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath.
You had me at- well, you're breathing and female. That's about the point you had me.
What's the difference between a washing machine and your mom? The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!
Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy h0rny? What the f^ck are the 49 things after "touch his p*nis
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish... And you are missing out on a lucrative business opportunity.
My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it's his turn
What do the lady reindeer do on Christmas eve? They hit the town and blow a few bucks.
It's crazy how much stuff there is to do on my phone when sitting at a restaurant alone.
Why are the twin towers and genders so similar? Because there used to be 2 of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Looking at you is getting my dick harder than Chuck Norris
A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose a  friend asked "how much did you pay for that?" "I paid through the nose!" he replied
gynecologist Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose.
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim.
John supper in spanish is JUAN CENA ^^^^^^^^edit: ^^^^^^^^apparently ^^^^^^^^its ^^^^^^^^juan ^^^^^^^^cena
What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison? A small medium at large
Fox News: Trump looks strong! CNN: Hillary should get the win! MSNBC: If you put a buncha hot dogs in a hamburger bun, is that a sandwich???
Why do people choose to become bakers? Because they knead the dough.
Whats green, has six legs and if it falls from a tree it will kill you? A snooker table
What's the difference between a circus and a whore house? My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5
Why was the snowman's dog called Frost? Because Frost bites.
I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll swallow anything.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo ? Ones a little lighter
One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they're OK then it's you.
[throwing a party] I invited Judas. That okay? "Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-" *loud knock* "It's the Roman legion. Open up!"
London held a monocle convention for high class members of society... ... it was a respectable spectacle spectacle.
Why did my girlfriend cross the road? To get back to the first shop we went to 4 fucking hours ago!
Just seen an illegal Mexican boy get into a van with a pedophile. Talk about alien vs predator
Donald Trump secretly wants to lose the election? If he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
What did Mr. T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I don't hate this bar, but I pity the stool.
My neighbor can't understand why he just found human shit on his front porch. I can't understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
Roofing... That's a bit over the top isn't it?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he's coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I'M WEARING TWO BRAS
A pony walks into a bar and in a soft and raspy voice says to the bartender, Gimme a beer. The bartender says, Sure buddy, sounds like you got a cough. The pony replies, I'm a little hoarse.
What do you call an unused piano? A keybored
What is a male pirates biggest fear? A sunken chest with no booty.
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp espressivo'.
Inauguration Limerick by Stephen Colbert There once was a man named Barack Whose re-election came as a shock He raised taxes I pay And turned marriage gay And now he's coming after your Glock
Why did the chicken kill himself To get to the other side
My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
That uneasy moment when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.
What do Greek soccer players wear? Soccer tee's
What is worse than being kidnapped by the Talibans? Being rescued by the Americans
I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear
I'm one step away from being rich All I need now is money
Guy in USA:(phone) you ready? Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah Both:123 *each drop a piece of bread onto ground* Both: EARTH SANDWICH!
What's blue and gold and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts.
Guy shoots Fake Gun in the air https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Auw8wJVU0l8
The cops came to my door to give me a ticket for a dog at large. They say he was chasing a kid on a bike. I said, "that's not true, my dog can't ride a bike."
What did Jesus say to the Eskimos? Many are cold, but few are frozen.
All this darkness is making me feel like Hellen Keller.
What is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You don't have to take your shoes off to jump on a banjo.
[3 AM] 5yo: *sobbing* Daddy Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what's wrong? 5yo: I'm lonely... Me: Then, don't ever get married. 5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Ferguson PD plans on removing all German Shepard k-9 units Turns out Germans aren't the problem. They're going to replace them with coon dogs
How do they play Pokemon Go in Gaza Strip? They grab a round rock from the ground and say: "Pick-a-jew"!
I hate Russian dolls... They're so full of themselves.
Racecar spelt backwards is racecar But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died
Heard they circlejerk here in reddit reddit in here circlejerk they heard
A large amount of stormtroopers walk into a bar and orders drinks They all miss the free shots.
Did you hear about Instagram, the weed delivery service? nm was thinking of Instantgram
Why did the cancer patient get smacked? His hand was bigger than his face.
My iPhone's device name is "Titanic". It's syncing.
Wanna get together and test the spring potential of my mattress?
My friend texts "ur" instead of "you're" but puts extra letters in "so" because she's "soooo happy." This is why everyone hates you, Julie.
Ever have sex while camping? It's fucking in tents!
Why was 7 afraid of 8? Because 8 nined 10.
I make the Transformers sound when I change into sweatpants.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it's the thought that counts.
My girlfriend left me because I couldn't stop singing Linkin Park. I don't know why it made her so angry, but in the end, it doesn't really matter.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Today I saw 2 blind people fighting. I shouted "I support the one with the knife.!" they both ran away.
I was standing outside their school waiting for the kids to finish, when a parent came up and asked "So which one is yours?" I replied "Not sure, haven't decided yet".
What's the difference between Polio and 9/11? The government actually wanted to stop Polio.
Why was the picture acquitted of the charge for murder? Because it was framed.
The worst reaction I ever got telling a joke was in front of a bunch of crickets.
Why was the origami class cancelled? The school folded.
Q: what's a biologists definition of a graph A: an animal with a long neck
The longer you sleep  the more sleep you need. The more you eat  the bigger is your appetite.
My girlfriend spends all her money on expensive perfumes.. I feel like she has no common scents.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn't find the other guy's arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I'll never forget what my grandmother said to me right before she passed away. She said to me *"What are you doing?!?"*
What do you call a broken boomerang? A stick
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick...and Patrick Fitzmichael
Unemployment jokes aren't funny They just don't work
Knock Knock Who's there ! Athena ! Athena who ? Athena reindeer landing on your roof !
Why don't women need drivers licenses Because there is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom
What is Mary short for? She has no legs
What do you do when your lawnmower stops working? Deport him
Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close. I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.
When an eel bites your thigh... ...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.
A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says "get out, we don't serve your kind here". The helium atom did not react.
What did the furniture salesman say when he wasn't happy with his haircut? Its a chaise lounge.
Romeo possum: [kissing] You're so hot Juliet possum: [plays dead] Romeo possum: Not cool, babe
I poured my root beer... ... into a square cup, now I'm left with only beer.
What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date? A sunken chest with no booty.
Why is it called Mother Nature? Because if it were called Father Nature it would be a lot more predictable.
Don't Invite Satan Over To Play Board Games... ...because last time I did it, he took the dice we used to play Monopoly. Now I have a pair of dice lost.
What do you call an Igloo without a toilet ? An Ig !
What did the Mexican say to his dirty friend? Hey Messe
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don't sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I'm talking to you David Arquette.
When Jesus Makes Tea... Hebrews
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
What does a pretentious owl say? Whom whom.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don't have to shovel snow this weekend.
I got a job at an orange juice factory I couldn't concentrate so I was canned
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You look for fresh prints.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Oh, you used "whom" in casual conversation. Well, I didn't realize I was in the presence of William Fucking Shakespeare.
Why did the baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.
*looks up from phone* Great, I'm inside of a coffin again.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If you buy orange juice with "Some Pulp," it's time to pick a side.
what's the difference between a pitbull and a jewish broad? a pitbull will eventually let it go
Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's.... Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school.
What's the definition of relative humidity? The sweat that accumulates under your balls when you're fucking you're sister.
You know how I can prove Jesus wasn't black? Because the body of Christ was a cracker!
Saw my neighbor jogging at 1 am. "It's a little late for you isn't it?" I said. "I couldn't sleep," he replied. "That's not what I meant you fat fuck."
Netflix is red, Xanax is blue. Put them together for a fun afternoon.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy? Me neither.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn't over. It's just beginning! Me: *sobs even harder
What did Jesus do to lose weight? Crossfit
Don't be a doormat, be an electric fence.
Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar? Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers
I went to the gym the other day... ...I asked the instructor could he teach me to do the splits. How flexible are you? He asked. I can't do Tuesdays. -Tommy Cooper
Practice safe lunch Always use a condiment
Irony. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what irony was. Which is ironic because we were in a restaurant.
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds Poor bastard
Hey beautiful, is your Dad in prison? Because if I was your Father I would be..
What do they call the Hulk when he has an erection? Bruce Boner.
What did one computer CPU say to the other after getting hit? Ow! That megahertz!
Capitalism is horrible Buy my book to find out why!
Why was the little mountain dying? Because he was terminally hill.
When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?" because you can never be too careful.
What do you call a hippie astronaut? A far out man
What do you call a blind deer? No-eye-deer. What do you call a blind dead deer? Still no-eye-deer. What do you call two blind deer that died while having sex? Still no-fucking-eye-deer.
Master Yoda, what sound do sheep make? Yoda: "Dey go bah"
You didn't like it. I was gunna tell u a joke about my time machine
Ain't no party like a Neal Brennan party cuz Neal Brennan quietly resents you for making a mess.
Please stop throwing my only possession. ~dogs everywhere
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ? Because you can't bury them in trees !
Why should you never go down on a girl the morning after a night of sex? ..ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
What's a joke? My life...
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
What do you call an angry pirate? A Pirate (A mix between Pirate and Irate)
Did you hear a med school is accepting animals as students? They're calling it the hippocampus.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters* Caption: I'm so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I like my woman like I like my coffee Served at 160F.
I had sex with your mom A sandwich
Say what you want about paedophiles... ... at least they drive slowly through school zones.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
What is the smallest part of a little person? Their wee-knees!
Best Hitler Joke That I've Heard Me: "Hitler Killed 5 million Jews and a Penguin." Friend: "What? A Penguin?" Me: "See, no one wants to know about the Jews."
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You hit her
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I'd have to poop in front of people in prison.
Santa is nearby... I can sense his presents
How to become a The Fray fan in easy steps - Step 1: You say, "We need to talk..."
What do you call a dinosaur with too much power? A tyrant-osaurus rex! &amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; I'll see myself out...
My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident They will be mist... :'(
What's the difference between the Joker and Ronald McDonald? The Joker only killed people in Gotham City.
Shoutout to sidewalks! For keeping me off the streets...
French-related joke (semi nsfw) When does a Frenchman get his morning wood? A bonne heure.
What do you call a nerd after highschool? Boss
How many fishermen does it take to change a  light bulb? One but you should have seen the bulb it must have been THIS big.
Q: What's faster than a black man stealing a T.V? A: His brother running with the V.C.R
I was a pilot at 10 years old... It's true! My brother would chop it and I'd pile it.
What do you call a cardboard belt? A waist of paper. -- ^(Credit: Shadow Warrior fortune cookie)
Why are black people unfair? Because they're unfair.
The Chinese have the best Democracy in the World They have tiny elections every few hours. ;) if you know what I mean
I was the top student at Ninja school, but I failed because they kept marking me absent.
What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common? They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby! Me: Yep, there's a baby in there! Will you love it? 2: I eat it. Well that escalated quickly.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
They say jokes lessen tragedy Is that why my parents became comedians after having me?
My dog can eat more condoms than your honor student.
How do you make a woman scream for an hour after sex? You wipe your dick with her pillow
I have separation anxiety so I date a boomerang. It always comes back to me.
John Cena wakes up in a hospital Cena:"Where am I?" Nurse:"ICU" Cena:"No you don't "
How do you make Lady Gaga cry? You kill her family.
On your first day in the hospital kick the ass of the sickest motherfucker in there
If a boy put rose petals all over my bed I'd be like you're cleaning this up I'm not cleaning this up
Stop poking me on Facebook uncle Brian it's not cute anymore
How do you stop an Armenian tank? You shoot the guys pushing it.
England football manager Roy Hodgson has just announced that he's won the competition for "Scotland's favourite Englishman."
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Two guys are talking in a bar... About their wives. The first man proudly tells the other '"My wife's an angel!" to which the other man replies, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Did you know you can tell what kind of area you're driving in by the bumps in the road? A few big bumps means you should probably slow down. Lots of little bumps means you're in a school zone.
I am the worst writer in the world until I finish writing, at which point I immediately become a goddamn genius. This is relatable content.
If a hipster falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it does it make a sound? Yeah, but you've probably never heard it
Vladimir Putin's Anthem Q. What is Russia's current Anthem? A. "Putin on the Blitz"
I finally got my hands on a sign language translator. It comes in really handy.
What do you call 32 white people locked in a closet? A captive Cherokee.
I'm a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
What grey has a wand huge wings and gives money to elephants ? The tusk fairy !
Wet T-shirt contestant asks former contest winner: Any pointers?
What did the police officer say to Tom Brady during a routine traffic stop? Your tires are low.
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he 'kneaded' a shit.
Ok, don't let them know you're a puma Interviewer: We're very impressed! You've got the job! "REALLY!?! I'M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS"
What does Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common? They are both made of plastic and get turned on by children!
Barista: name? Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch Barista [writes "Benedict Cumberbatch"] Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My kitchen timer broke..good thing I wasn't counting on it.
I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me."
What's the best way for an American to lose weight? Gamble in British currency.
One reason my boyfriend likes The Big Bang Theory so much is that he says the title always reminds him of when we f**k.
One of the rudest things you can do is make eye contact with someone eating McDonald's in their car.
How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome? You pull down its genes!
Why is Edward still in Russia? He's Snowden.
Funny one liner: My dick is so big that my girlfriend use it as a selfie stick My dick is so big that my girlfriend use it as a selfie stick
There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
10 years ago parents were like "be careful what you put on the web" and we were all "lol. old people." now none of us can ever be President.
*robs craft store with hot glue gun*
Why did the vacuum get a raise? Because it sucked at its job.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
Socialism jokes are only funny... ...if everybody gets them.
My Wife Saw Me Licking A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?" "Because Yogurt Tastes Better" The Divorce Is Next Tuesday
I baked my girlfriend something for Valentine's Day It was a creampie
So I walked into a pub with some of the lads... Oh wait hang on I don't have a social life.
To the first person who took their picture with their phone at the bathroom mirror, you are a pioneer. We salute you.
What's the world's sexiest phone number extension? 6969
Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because there is a target on every corner.
Complaints via email or texts should be called "Read Whine"
I've always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers* Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer "Squishy and like I've done something wrong"
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I'm done.
What does a cannibal get when he comes home late to dinner? The cold shoulder.
Jubilee is a mutant who can shoot sparks from her hands, and spontaneously destroy electronics by touching them... So she's basically like my mom, if my mom could shoot sparks from her hands.
Bumped into a friend of mine the other day. He was wearing camouflage.
Long-time lurker, first time poster and I had this really great gay joke I wanted to share with you guys Butt Fuck it.
Wonderbra tried to defend there new bra today. But it didn't hold up in court.
What kind of cars do shellfish drive? Mussel cars.
What's the difference Between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job. One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a cannibal that only eats disabled people? A Vegetarian
Lionel Richie: I'm easy like Sunday morning Sunday morning: wow I'm right here
When a necrophiliac goes to a funeral... He gets mourning wood.
How do you weigh a hipster? In Instragramm
The owl knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a toostie-roll-pop. Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a 5,000 pound boulder.
[job interview] "Tell me one of your long term goals" Sleeping "No, I meant-" *leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change
I had the left side of my body cut off... But I'm all right. EDIT: I just realize that whether the left was cut from the right or the right from the left is a matter of sincere argument.
What do gay cow's eat? Hayyyyyyy
Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead... but that would be half-assed.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says "Here lies updog" EXPLORER 2: What's updog? EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
What song would Kendrick Lamar sing if he was Native American? "Bitch don't kill my tribe."
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit Farts
Today a cartoonist was found dead at home. Details are sketchy.
What Do You Call an Epileptic in a Pile of Leaves? Russell
"Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?" Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not
I like my women like I like my wine... 18 years old and locked in my basement
Say what you want about Cannibals but they have a great taste in people.
Never take ecstasy with a squirrel named... hey, squirrel dude, what's your name? Charles? Never take ecstasy with a squirrel named Charles.
A man walks into a bar.... ...and spectacularly fails at Limbo.
I think it's funny how I can sleep right through my blaring alarm clock but I'll wake up to the slightest phantom vibrations from my phone.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Yo Mama So Fat... ...it took the Large Hadron Collider to weigh her atoms.
Did you know an NFL player was the first to land on the moon? He planted a flag, but a ref came by and picked it back up.
What's Asian on top and black on bottom? IQ distribution graph
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[Snail Court] Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor? Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time.
Millions of people are killed every year because they didn't check behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.
Saying Romney would handle the economy better is like saying ... ... one of your friends is "good with women" because he's a convicted rapist.
I saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other this morning. Gives me hope for the future. Or at least another Rush Hour movie
Do you know why there's no Apple wireless charger? Because they can't decide what exactly should break there.
Kissing the back of someone's neck is a sensuous thing to do. Unless it's a stranger in a queue in Primark.
This morning I found out the terrible news about David Bowie, He released a new album.
So Steven Hawking walks into a bar...
If I had $10 for every time someone called me racist... Black people would rob me.
I came home from work and finally caught the filthy bitch red handed. So I asked my daughter to please wash her hands if she masturbates on her period.
Why do people from Finland who lack passports never win? ...they can't cross the Finnish line!
"Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?" "Go on then" "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" "That's Superman" "Thanks, I've been practicing."
I don't always give her an orgasm, but when I do.. She spits it back at me.
LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off CLARK KENT: no
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing zone in a swimming pool.
What kind of file do you need to turn a 8mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile
When did 888 equal zero???? When Eight ate eight
At school: Slutty girl: ugh my throat really hurts. Me: I bet your knees do too. Her: what Me: what
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The pinata is unscathed.
People need to realize that racism is a complicated is a complicated issue It isn't just black and white
what do you call the people who were protecting a van? the vanguard
Angry feminist told me that men are animals, men are pigs! So I told her that women are equal to men.
ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered... fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no
Can fish get high on seaweed?
Boxed In There was a young girl from Peru Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it, too."
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn't accept Jesus.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
How are having sex in a canoe and American beer alike? They're both fuckin' close to water
What do you call a dog with no legs? You don't call him anything because he won't come running anyhow.
I'm at an age where I don't spring into action. I dead of winter into action.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet? Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes? Wife: What? Me: What? Communication is hard
Which real-life dictator was the most fun? Napoleon BonaPARTAY!!!
Jazz is in my blood You could say I've got deep vein trombonses.
Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg] Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren't actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Ladies: The "silent treatment" is not a punishment. Try the "sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment" instead.
Why do pterodactyls use the bathroom so quietly? Because their p is quiet.
I learned how to train my cat to go woof All it takes is petrol and matches. *wooooooof*
It doesn't matter if it's fight club or book club or some other kind of club, I guarantee I don't want to talk about it.
Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back....
What does a cell that's full of shit do? Lyse.
[I wake up next to a fishing net full of salmon] But that means... [Cut to fisherman at sea, with my dreamcatcher full of howling goblins]
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
Did you hear that Jesus starred in a porn? it was called "the second cumming"
What's the quickest way to get to the airport? Terminal Velocity. [:D](http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&amp;play=true)
What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Charles? Dead in a tunnel.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn't poop their pants.
I'm an expert at killing flies I'm a member of the SWAT team
Why did the thoroughbred break up with the wild horse? Because she was looking for a stable relationship.
*I reach for the thermostat* *my dad runs in barking* *neighbor's dad starts barking* *within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
What does my cat and Donald Trump have in common? Neither of them pay taxes
Q: What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour? A: Leave it in the cow.
Some people should put professional victim on their resume
Why did a seal go to the bar? .... Because he didn't want to go clubbing.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because the cops are just gonna beat the walls for being black.
My wife and I lost 150lbs combined! So if you see our twins wandering around please let us know!
[Jedi Academy] Why do you want to be Jedi? [Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army] To keep the peace
What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees ( . ) ( . )
What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company? Progressive *this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote's son FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Did you know that 2 x 10 is the same 2 x 11 One is twenty and the other is twenty two.
How do you reload a cardboard gun? With paper clips.
Foreigners suck... They blatantly disregard the "i before e except after c" rule.
Google Glass, for everyone who's ever thought, "I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE"
My mom just got me off of work early. I love when she comes by the office. *Literally just happened
Did you know that 50% of the Chinese have cataracts? The rest drive rincolns.
My boss told me to have a good day... So I went home.
Why did the plant cross the road? Cus it was being stalked!
Why do men with prostate issues have issues stealing video game systems? Because they have trouble taking a Wii.
Election There was an election in New York.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back... Make sure she's not standing in front of a mirror.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Did U hear they're remaking 'Dirty Dancing' & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread? The only thing "natural" about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That's it. That's the joke.
Jimmy how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin? No more mom. It's empty.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don't know how crocodiles have sex.
Hey Facebook, I really don't care that a friend of mine commented on someone else's status or photo.
What do Will and Jaden Smith like about today? It's After Earth Day.
A local farmer just received an award from the city. It was for being outstanding in his field.
Thinking about wearing Uggs this summer? Just remember that blonde girl in the movie 'Taken'. She wore Uggs during the summer and died.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it's my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
What does Pluto have up on Palestine? At least Pluto exists
What's the worst part about being a beaver? It's a lot of dam work.
Have you seen that new film about a tractor? Me neither, just saw the trailer.
Why did the piglets get in trouble in their biology class? They ate all the specimens.
Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off. (Also sorry)
How do you get a drummer off of your porch? pay for the pizza.
Biologist screws up: Mutant killer virus Physicist screws up: Deadly black hole Geologist screws up: Rock on table is now rock on floor
Dude: You got a light? Me: Sure. *hand him a flashlight* Dude: I mean for my cigarette. Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I'm pretty gullible Or at least what they tell me
[picks up date] *slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another how many dollars would you have? One dollar.  You don't know your arithmetic. You don't know my father !
Who is the richest painter? Manet.
Why was the manipulative ghost so unsuccessful? People could see right through him.
98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they'd never get caught.
Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica? It's dreadful
I'm going as president Obama for Halloween this year. I'll tell you you're getting different candy, but it will be the same candy from last year.
Do you know what a gay snake sounds like? Tthhhhhhh
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"
Most people go talk to a therapist, family, or friends to get shit off their chest... ...I however just go take a shower.
What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'? They are both santa clauses.
I know lawyers aren't people. They stand in court all day and say "I object"
Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.
How do you know when a singer is at the door? First they don't know when to come in, and then they can't find the key.
What do you call a person with no nose or body? Nobody nose!
A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.
I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I once lost my watch at a party... I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, and punched him in the nose. No one does that to a girl... Not on my watch.
Irreplaceable - Beyonce. I can have another you by tomorrow.
Why do you get arrested for walking into an army base unauthorised in the USA? Because Obama doesn't like anyone sneaking in his barracks.
Why is Oedipus against profanity? He kisses his mother with that mouth
What's black and never works? Decaf coffee, you racist bastard.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting Then it brought me down
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn't know what to do with his life.
My really jacked friend shockingly ran out of protein powder today. He told me and I was like, No Whey
What kind of bear dissolves in water? A polar bear.
Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?
I keep thinking diarrhoea is part of the family history. Because it's in my genes.
What's the most beautiful thing in mathematics? A cute angle
Attention people who aren't employees: you should wash your fucking hands too.
How do you become really unpopular on Reddit? Tell someone they reposted.
How does JK Rowling text her friends that she's just kidding :(
Want to know the secret to killing two birds with one stone? Throw it twice.
How do you quiet a gay baby? Stick a pacifier up its ass
What do you call a frozen terrorist? A isilcle
GUYS! You'll never guess what I just did for a Klondike Bar! I took my wallet out of my back pocket and gave the cashier $1.29, plus tax.
The difference between a wife and a mistress? The mistress says "Oh, darling - that was *wonderful*!", and the wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige..."
How do you fit 4 guys on a bar stool? Turn it upside-down. But how do you get them off? Shake the stool. ^(OK, I'll leave now.)
Did you hear about the boy born without eyelids? The doctors said they could give the boy eyelids made out of his foreskin. The only problem is that he would be a little cockeyed.
Morning wood starts the best fire.
Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there Me: C'mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
TIFU by insulting a one-armed foreigner visiting my town. I called him a tourist.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99%Sound,1%Advice.
The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Nevermind, I just boiled the egg.
"Said no one ever." -Said everyone on Twitter.
Wife walks up to husband and asks for money Wife: I need some money to buy a bra Husband: do you think you have breasts big enough to buy a bra? Wife: when you bought boxers, did I say anything?
Why is the alphabet of a pirate incomplete ? Because they lost an I.
If all the 7 days were to get in a fight, who would win? Either Saturday or Sunday, because all others are week days.
Still a lotta racism down south. Just today I saw some asshole on his whiteberry.
Me: Push! Grandkids: But, you're heavy. Me: What did the sign say? Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :(( Me: Rules are rules.
Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.
What's the difference between the Olympic long distance race and the Paralympic long distance race? A lap
FUCK YEAH I GOT A CRIMINAL RECORD *smooth criminal blasts an i bust out sick mj moves* "congrats sir u are now manager of this kfc/taco bell
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer... Too bad he has never cried.
Never take for granted someone that can make you smile or the fact that you have something to smile about.
I wanted to buy some literature on DIY shelving Sounds easy, but try going into a book store and asking if they have "any books on shelves"
I sat next to this attractive Thai girl on the train... I kept thinking *don't get an erection*,*don't get an erection*, but she did.
My fortune cookie message read : "You appeal to a small, select group of confused people" .... Uh huh ....
Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ...ba dum tss!
I used to be a halogen but then I took a proton to the Ne
Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with photoshop.
Life is like a game of bridge If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
I just made myself a sandwich... which, if I'm understanding Twitter law correctly... makes me my own bitch.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
My new year's resolution is 640 x 480 This NYE I'm going out and getting fucking pixelated.
Why did Hitler struggle to eat his Chinese food? Because he ordered the chow mein Kampf.
This joke isn't funny. What do you say when the punchline's told first?
I was talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours. We just clicked.
Choose your friends carefully, They are the ones who tag you in photos.
what does donald trump do with the nuclear missiles when he doesn't want to have them anymore fire them
Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey... Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie's done? 
Arial walked into a bar. The bartender said "We don't serve your type here."
I was looking for the sun at night, and then it dawned on me.
Mirror inspector Now that's a job I could really see myself doing
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford.
Names of Groups A group of crows is called a 'Murder' of crows. A group of cats is called a 'Glaring' of cats. What do you call a group of Lexus cars? A fortune!
This joke is missing a climax Just like your girlfriend.
My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God.
If Hitler wanted to keep the Jews out of Germany He should have just charged admission
What do you call a family that runs a gas station? Pump kin.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. Bahaha.
What do you call five Mexicans drowning at the bottom of their pool? Cinco.
SNL contacted me about being a writer, and I was like "Pfft. I got my own gig" and they were like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" because my alarm went off
What happened when Jesus went to mount Olive? Popeye fucking smacked him one.
Emailing professors be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: "sure" -sent from my iPhone
I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
George stops at red light... A beautiful blonde stops just beside him. George pull down his window. She also pull down her window. George smiles and asks with a grin on his face " you also farted?"
I think Sarah Jessica Parker quit the church when the minister giggled & said, "Let us bray."
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 plowed 6 in the ass
(NEW YEARS) what did the rabbi say on New year's. "f#ck that, happy **Jew** years!!"
Me:*delete pics* IPhone: you sure? M:Yes IP: Ok I'll just put them over here Me:delete them IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I quit the mafia to become a housekeeper Now I'm a maid man.
I've got 40 raisins in my savings account ...oh no wait, that's my currant account.
Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously He always pulls out before finishing
A Native American just published a novel Critics consider it a Seminole work.
I had sex in French class once. She was on *la verge* of cumming.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a Warehouse.
Give your tweets a CB radio feel by adding the word, over at the end. Over.
About women... There's only 1 word beginning with B you should ever call a woman, and that's "beautiful" - bitches fucking love being called beautiful.
I need your best NSFW joke, before our coffee break!
I spent all day replacing the muffler on my car It was exhausting
The hardest part about being a photographer is deciding which half of my picture to ruin with my giant ugly company watermark.
What do you call the first Irish woman ever created? A McRib
Eleven: We're not allowed to wear spaghetti straps at school. The straps must be at least 2 inches wide. Six: Oh yeah, lasagna straps.
2012 finally we know ...
I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.
Why do computer programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
a seemingly perfect utopia immediatley becoms a dystopia when u find out evryone refers to eachother by watever their first email adress was
You are what you eat. *eats Ryan Gosling* *crosses fingers*
The pet groomer didn't appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the "happy ending".
I ordered a Pizza the other day, When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else? I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Irreconcilable differences The judge says to Mickey, "I can't grant you a divorce because you think Minnie is crazy." "I didn't say she was crazy," says Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Our baby's new nickname is Assad... ..because he keeps assaulting us with gas that is definitely in violation of the Chemical Weapons Convention.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Briony ! Briony who ? Briony beautiful sea !
Why is 77 better then 69? Because you get eight more!
If any pandas are reading this: neat!
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you're not taking this seriously. ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
"It's our third date and you still wear that shirt?" Honey, this all they have in prison.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture.
Eskimo What does an Eskimo girl say before she is about to lose her virginity? "Careful Dad, don't squish my smokes."
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Not 6. My basement is still dark.
I can never tell the difference between your/you're/Asians
If you assume all turtlenecks have sleeves, prepare to have your world rocked when this jacket comes off.
A time traveler walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
Uppercuts a horse. Creates the first girrafe.
My goal is just to find someone I can comfortably hate everything with for the rest of my life.
How my dad taught me how to button my suit coats. He said *"Think of it like a woman; sometimes the top, always the middle, but never the bottom."*
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapus
If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?
How do you kill Donald Trump? You gotta guess for this one hint: it's in the name? It's a TRUMPet
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
My boss is coming to my grandad's funeral tomorrow. He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Welcome to the school of hard knocks... You'd better hope your front door can take it!
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway
How do you make a dead baby float? Nail a piece of styrofoam to its head.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
What does Putin say during his new years speech? Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!
Apparently saying "If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby" is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Just shook a piece of cellophane off my finger and now I'm exhausted.
Did i ever tell you the story about how I climed mount everest? I made it up
Olive Garden really does make you feel like family. Last time I went there my server told me a racist joke & asked why I wasn't married yet.
My my most hated typo is is when I double double words. My second most hated leave out words. Then there subject verbs agreement from edits.
Yo Momma so ugly.. She look like Darth Vader naked.
[META] banned phrase suggestion Can we get an auto removal / deletion on any joke that has "sorry" at the end? Nothing kills a joke for me like having someone apologize for it.
YOU'LL GO BLIND When we were young teens, we were told not to masturbate or you'll go blind. I always thought that was a joke until I heard about what happened to Bill Cosby
A man walks into a seafood shop carrying a trout under his arm. "do you make fish cakes?" "Yes we do" replies the fishmonger... "Great" says the man, it's his birthday"
What do you call an orthodox jew that is prone to heartburn? Acidic. [My apologies]
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Dear girls that go tanning, it's called 'sunkissed', it's not called 'dorito raped'.
if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions
How much for the sentient racist skeleton? "Sir, that's Ann Coulter..."
Trump has just been debriefed about the aliens in area 51 he wants them deported immediately
My Asian girlfriend says that a small dick is no problem, although I'd prefer if she didn't had one.
Knock knock Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you.
(interview for construction job) Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs? Me: (proudly) Didn't even have to look at the instructions
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? A paraplegic in a house fire.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can't even see their reflection
What should you do if you're in the jungle and come upon a tiger? Say you're sorry, wipe him off, and run.
I've got two right here for ya Who are the easiest kids to pick on? Orphans. Who are they going to tell, their parents? Jews should feel lucky. They got their grandparents cremated for free!
What does Arizona name Colorado? Border Collie
A depressed man walked into a bar... He told the bartender to give him his best shot
You know what they say about camping... It's in tents!
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it's stuck in my wiper. I guess I don't have to stop to get supper tonight.
What do you call a racist cereal? Special KKK
What's the difference between America any yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
What's the difference between Justin Bieber and a birth certificate? A birth certificate states the sex.
My driving teacher asked me where the gas is: "Second door on the right."
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to "constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones" they stop replying to texts
A mosquito landed on my wife's face... Easiest decision of my life.
What's the driest joke you ever heard of? Your mom's pussy
A blonde joke... Donald Trump.
Fetty Wapp was fired from 3 cashier jobs before turning to rap music No matter what items were scanned through, the total always came up to $17.38
Divorce Mickey - I want a divorce Minnie - Are you fucking crazy? Mickey - No.. I'm fucking Daisy!
I changed my buddies auto correct, so when he types "Got it" it actually types "Go tit"
Forget the fad diets, I'm gonna lose weight the old fashioned way - by not having enough money for food.
What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? The ten year old boy in my basement.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I'm doing
jok Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
You don't know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
gardens are insane. "Oh that's just my box of dirt that pushes food at me very slowly."
How come sheeps don't fly........... Because they are scared of the Airwolf.
I don't get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
What's the best part about sleeping with twenty five year olds? There's twenty of them.
Don't read "part a" backwards. It's a trap.
I get that preschoolers go to bed early but it's still weird that Nick Jr becomes a hardcore porn channel every night at 8.
Knock, Knock! Who's There? Alzheimer's! Alzheimer's who? Knock, Knock!
What type of pants do you need to start a car? Cargo pants
Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.
What do you call a homeless Italian man? Giovanni Change
A Blonde Walks Into A Bar... she says "OUCH".
I'm not the kind of guy to distance myself from anything... Far from it.
When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That's how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?
Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first. Me or the police.
centipede: *trips* *but for like, an hour*
What is a physicist's favorite type of pants? Massless chaps
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it's somebody's birthday on FB that I didn't like.
A woman is a lot like an oven You gotta warm her up first but then you can put your meat inside.
Whites are just like Asians, but with a cock
He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring. We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.
Why did the tin man go to hell? Because he's a sinner.
My one and only joke. Two olives are sitting at a bar, one falls off and the other one says "Ahhh are you ok?" And the one that fell is like "Yeah, olive."
What do you call an elevator full of white people? A box of crackers.
Judge : Anything you say in this court will be held against you. Man : "Titties" Lawyer : Fuck.. He's good
When somebody asks for directions I just say "follow your heart" and drive away.
I have a relative who died in a concentration camp.... He fell off the guard tower.
"I think I have ADHD, doc" why? "I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford" that's not- "yeah I keep losing my Focus" get out of my office
A Chinese man goes to the doctor because of failing eyesight. DR. "Mr. wong it looks like you have a cataract." Mr. Wong " No no I drive Rincon."
Drunk girls click "reply all" when they talk.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Unscramble these words! 1.) PNEIS 2.) HTIELR 3.) NGGERI 4.) BUTTSXE Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXT?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet! Thought I'd try one: 18: Can I borrow the car? Me: No Wasn't that adorable?!
What did the mayor say after the townsfolk told him that they used the watering hole to take dumps? Well shit.
So a finch asks his mother... "Mom, why does my beak look different than yours?" She replies, "Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted."
I'm in a band called "Transportation". We're going places.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
What do Angels fans and gay men both have in common? They both love Pujols
[ER] ME: [scared] well? DOCTOR: ur ok M: so it was just a dream D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
What did the male eskimo say to the female eskimo right before having sex? I'm gunna fuck you Inuit pussy.
You'd think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I dated a really multicultural girl First she gave me a French kiss. Then she gave me an Australian kiss. I thought I'd show her I'm cultured too, so I gave her a Glasgow kiss.
Sean Connery is standing at your door, wearing white shorts and a white shirt and holding a racket. What time is it? Tennish.
 she's just a small time girl workin at Jurassic Woooorld opened a raptor cage now they're everywhere 
Why did the pedophile masturbate to Kim Kardashian? because he was blind.
I was addicted to hokey pokey But then I turned myself around
[Stares deeply into date's eyes before going to the bathroom] "I've counted these fries."
A first grade teacher asks her students, "What comes after 69?" One student responds, "Mouthwash"
a baby seal walks into a club..
My girlfriend keeps saying that it's not working out. I said, "well, you haven't gone to the gym for a while, have you?"
Today's youth are getting worse.. Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle
Why couldn't the feminist change the light bulb? Feminists can't change anything.
Punk rockers are unruly, what do they like most about women though? Their CCCCUUUUUNNNNNTTTTT!!!
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on.. Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.
Why can't Melania Trump feel her ass? He's away campaigning.
Two men are making love in a meadow, they both are struck by lightning and die. Which one goes to heaven first? The one on the bottom because he already has his shit packed and ready to go.
Why was 6 afraid if 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
What did the chef say to the man who wouldn't eat alphabet soup? "I'm gonna make you eat those words!"
New clothing store seen at local Mall named 'Off Topic'. Apparently it's aimed at edgy teens with ADHD.
Ukraine What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea? I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.
I hear Donald Trump wants every welfare recipient to take a drug test... I don't even what to know what he's planning to do with all those urine samples.
The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A total rip off.
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa did. and not screaming like the passengers in the backseat.
I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it's cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that's how it works. Meh.
Two promiscuous citrus fruits have unprotected sex They get lemon-aids
If things are going good, enjoy it, it won't last forever. If things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either.
What do you call a epileptic roman emperor? Just had a Seizure. (too those who dont get it read it out loud quickly)
A and C were going to prank their friend... ...but they just letter B
Do you like Fishsticks? Do you like putting Fishsticks in your mouth? You're a gayfish. #original
Wait, Fellatio isn't a flavor of ice cream?!
If you have any snacks left when the movie starts you're a wizard & need to be killed.
"When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?" "Because I couldn't find a fake car."
I made a joke up!!! Two midgets walk into a bar. edit: sorry I didn't set the bar very high for this joke. edit2: don't' worry- they're ok.
Today, I saw a black guy wave to an Asian from across the street. It gives me hope for the future... Rush Hour 4!
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on my face.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
if you go to a nascar rally carrying a clipboard and wearing a hard hat people will just let you go on the track and kiss all the good cars
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, it's terrible.
Grandmother: "So what is Skype?" *Explains in great detail on how it works* "So do I need a computer for it?" "I JUST...how's your cat?"
No matter how popular they get.. ... antibiotics are never going viral.
With a bit of practice I could be an excellent snooker player... But I dont have the balls and my pockets aren't that deep
A Mexican athlete finally got a medal at the Olympics. The police are still searching for him.
Why does the New York Times hire Jews? So they can put out a paper on December 26th.
Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine... Wooden move.
What do you call a man who has sex with his 9 year old wife? The holiest Prophet of Islam.
Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.
A guy walks into a bar... "Ouch"
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
What did the shoe say about the customer who didn't like that it had yellow shoestring? That's lacist.
"No, everything's fine" must've been a great phrase to say before women got hold of it.
My wife caught me measuring my dick. Embarrassing! It reached just to the back of her sister's throat.
What do you do if you see a space man? Park your car man.
My friend said I should move to Alaska... ..He said it's pretty cool there.
What's worse than having ants in your pants? Uncles.
Do you know the difference "Hey, do you know what the difference is between window curtains and toilet paper?" "No." "So it was you then!!!"
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped.
I've always wondered what periods were like... Could someone give me a demenstruation
What do you call a smart pig? Swinestein.
What's green and has wheels? A Pickle and I lied about the wheels.
Life is like a box of chocolates The fatter you are the shorter it lasts
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
A vegan, a vaper, and a Pitbull owner walk into a bar... ...I'd tell you what they said but I have no idea because none of them would shut up.
I'm pretty great with money. Folks keep calling me and telling me my accounts are outstanding.
When I die I'd like to be cremated I think I've urned it.
If William Shatner and Jason David Frank is in the same scene together... Who gets the close up?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would've been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
What do you call the German word for Vaseline? Derweinerslider
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she's completely out of your league?
What do you call a pop star that marries Rowan Atkinson? Avril Labean
Girlfriend told me she wanted to see our kids so I came in her eye
Why is there no pain relief in the jungle? Cos the Parrots-Eat-Em-All
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So nobody confuses them with feminists
My computer blew up in front of my face. I still can't process why that happened.
What's the Difference between a Wife and an Attic Door? An attic door can shut up. ~~im going to hell~~
Parents: Stop making videos of your kid coming home from the dentist all fucked up.
What did all the boys from the hood call the Pillsbury Dough boy after he got super baked? Cracker.
When playing Fuck/Marry/Kill always ask yourself: will my "marry" be cool w/ me fucking & killing these other people?
What does a mermaid wear to math class An algae-bra I'm not sorry
Roy Hodgson has told the England squad that they'll have to tighten their belts next week. He also added that they should not remove them until the "fasten seat belt" sign goes out.
Men are like pillows. Eventually even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
What do you call a Mexican child molester? A pedrophile
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaay
What is the capital of the United States? Half of what it was last week
What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse!
The funniest joke in the world Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
How are Bungee jumping and visiting a prostitute a like? If the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? "Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food's been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That's why I work at Burger King.
Coworker to me: " Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You're single with no kids." Me: " Exactly."
What does John Cougar Mellencamp get if he eats too much cantaloupe before he goes swimming? A melon-cramp.
You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight  adjustment of the shoulder straps!
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Donald Trump never asked to have a lentil on his face.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
What do you get when you mix S&amp;M with R&amp;B? The Marquis de [Sade](http://i.imgur.com/srWEGsC.jpg)
Why did they go from Windows 8 straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9!
One man's internet wife is another man's internet husband.
"Hey dude, have you ever considered being a comedian?" Yes but everyone laughed at me.
Whats grey and comes in pints? Elephants
What would a scandal involving Microsoft be called? Gatesgate.
Roadside sign holders are secretly geniuses because they get paid to do something a pole does for nothing.
Looking at all the post on my news feed, it is very hot today. News Flash people, it is summertime. That is what happens in summer months. Keep me posted in January also when it is cold out. Thanks
He's an owl with an attitude. She's a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC's new hit 'Birds of Pray'!
Why do Canadians like doggy style so much? So they can both watch the hockey game!
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs too much!
A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. "What happened to you?" the doctor asks. "I stepped on something."
How do most bakers get their start in the industry? They knead dough
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
What did the flatulent man say to the preacher during confession? Forgive me Father, for i have wind.
Shit. I was late for my time management class.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand she has to give directions!
Did you hear about the dumb woman who had... Did you hear about the woman who had two chances to get Pregnant? She blew them both...
What does the Army call it's Muslim infantry units with vehicles? Mecca-nized infantry.
It's sad that the only thing great about my job is that my chair spins -__-
What do you call a stoned Irishman? A baked potato.
Why don't other bugs like earwigs ? Because they are always earwigging their conversations !
Why Did Barbie Never Get Pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
I just saw a guy running a race and masturbating at the same time. I wonder what place he'll come in.
In Germany, we know of a joke The French military.
If you have twin girls and don't dress them like in "The Shining" and make them stand in hallways, you've squandered a precious gift.
Imagine you're about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a "University of Phoenix" degree on the wall
What about "BusinessMyspace"? Nah, it's taken. Okay, what about "LinkedIn"?
My most redeeming quality is the fact that I return bottles for cash.
What do you call a person who farts in private? A private tutor
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*Aquarium GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off...ma'am don't flash the octopus ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Otherwise I think this is a good joke, but the title says otherwise
What did Australian Jesus say after the Last Supper? Check, mate.
I Love You!! Is that you or your beer talking? Thats me.. talking to my beer
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold my penisI mean my motherI mean the ladder.
The moderators of this sub
Why did Scottish baby sneeze? It got week old.
I went into a cafe and said, " A crocodile sandwich and make it snappy."
I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". 
Are the readers of this subreddit mostly men? Who else would consider a couple inches of text to be long?
I've learned from my mistakes. I make bigger and better mistakes than ever now.
i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so i smashed their window and stole their radio
The original Karate Kid is currently the same age as Mr. Miyagi was in the movie, 51. My youth just got crane kicked in the bean bag.
I got a German girl's phone number I just ask her for it and she said, "nine nine nine, nine nine nine nine."
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
"Doctor: Put the IV in. Nurse: The 4 what?" - chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtian.
Remember your elementary gym "coach"? I should've worked out more for his girlfriend
(NSFW) A blind man walks past a fish market and exclaims "Hellooo Ladies"
What's the difference between a black guy and a bench A bench can support a family.
"Read 'em and weep" I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent's handwritten love letters from WWII.
Interviewer: How do you spell Mississippi? Redneck: Which one? The river or the state?
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim
Time goes by quicker when you have fun But one does not simply have fun
Why did the Prostitute leave the leper colony? Business was dropping off!
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto.
I used to complain about the bright car lights in my rear view mirror I removed it awhile ago, and haven't looked back since.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A feminist and a fascist walks into a bar She orders a glass of wine
Breaking up with Japanese Girls. I hate to breakup with Japanese girls because you have to drop the bomb twice before they get it.
My head is so big... When a girl sits on my face, she has room for the remote and a snack.
Let's name him something that will make children smile "How about Santa?" Ok but let's add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
What did the bicycle call its dad? Pop-cycle
These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these day--oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I keep hearing people say it was just a bad situation and the Gator was hungry. They found the body intact, guess the gator couldn't have been that hungry.
I saw a sign today about lost cat Missing cat: Wanted dead and alive If found return to Schrodinger
It looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night ... Or as my boyfriend calls it... 7.
Why do we say dogs are man's best friend? Why not say dogs are man's and woman's best friend? Because diamonds are a woman's best friend.
freddie crougar once impersonated chuck norris and that is the reason why we have nightmares
Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Why girls have zip in their pents?
Why did the old lady fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well
Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts
How do you build a boat? Well Im not sure, but I do Noah guy.
Grandma, if you're looking down on me right now - close your eyes for a few minutes.
Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off the boat? ...Because if they fell forwards they'd fall back into the boat.
How did the english teacher know his student was pregnant? She started missing periods
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books but he's only got his shelf to blame
Every Taylor Swift song sounds like it was written in gel pen.
3 Doors Down: "Okay, so we've named the band. Now what?"
[February 12] Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She's going to kill me! Unless... [February 13] beheads wife
[Noah's Ark] Noah: How will the animals reproduce? God: You took a male & female, right? Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN'T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX
I found Jesus last week... My garden has never looked nicer.
If you don't consider yourself a terrible person, you're likely a horrific person.
Girl, you're just like hell... because I'd kill to enter you.
Why couldn't the cat walk through the door? it had a javelin through it's head.
I ordered a pizza. I don't think the guy understood how to get here. Is it free if it's 5 years late?
Do you know what really bugs me? Discreetly placed microphones.
I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Grabs intercom: ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's funeral. I couldn't bereave it!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I don't like telling clever jokes about airplanes. They just go over my head.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person? Me: ... H: ... M: ... H: Why are you hesitating? M: I'm not sure which answer will get me laid.
My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed. Turns out it was her grandma. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
What do you call a viking cemetary? A grey fjord.
"KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE'RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!" -- Centipede parents
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn't for me
A three legged dog walks into a bar.... And says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"
ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i'll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months
You might think the cock and balls are similar. But there's a vas deferens between them.
How often do I tell jokes about the elements ...periodically
Where do you take a sick boat? To the dock!
What do you call an explosion in a Frencg kitchen? Linoleum Blown-apart.
My bank was worried My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday 
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry
What started feminism? An unlocked kitchen door
How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, but it must be an odd number because, "they can't even."
[Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because...tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day
Dude ...like...homeless neglected dogs totally ruined that Sarah McLachlan song for me.
What did one duck say to the other? Quack!
Baby, words can't describe how attractive you are, But numbers can, 03/10.
What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Counterfitz
My six year old niece made up this joke. I think she may be a comedic prodigy. Why did the sweater go to boot camp? To warm up!
What is the best day to wear an asshat? Sunday, because it's so holy.
The author finally found the spineless guy who stole her unpublished draft. She got her paperback and booked it
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.
What's reddit without the R&amp;D? Edit:
"any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?" [I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic] HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else%3ss eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else
"The club can't even handle me right now." What, like structurally? Should we call an engineer? Evacuate? Please advise.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like 'responsibility'
I don't know why I broke up with the gym... ..I guess we just weren't working out.
Whats the difference between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana? Nothing, their last big hit was the wall.
How many Firefly fans does it take to change a light bulb? They wouldn't. They'd rather spend a decade bitching about how it went out.
I got two front teeth for Christmas! I have no idea who they belong to.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had "brunch" so people know how much better than them you are.
Weather Girl: I'm looking at six to ten inches tonight. Me, to the TV: But is it going to SNOW?
Hi, how much for this torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.
Some days it's little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we're alone, that help me realize I'd rather have the insurance money.
I've just read a book on how dramatically footballers wives lose their looks once their husbands retire.It's a real WAGS to witches story.
Funniest joke I've ever heard. women's rights.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said "friggity diggity" please do not rt
Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was "what do they know that I don't?"
What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common? They're both fucking close to water.
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream in the oven
Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear. Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ? I can't understand it either because I planted cabbage !
What do Trump voters call Holocaust survivors? Mulligans.
Who was King Arthur's knight who built the round table? Sir Cumfrence
What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common? They both contain high amounts of trans fats. Edit: Omg guys! I didn't expect this to take off this much, thanks guys!
What did the homeless guy get for Christmas? Very, very hungry.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it's no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
daylight savings I've been told my clocks have to go back tonight but I can't even remember where I bought them from
Two blondes walk into a bar The first one says "Don't worry, I didn't see it either".
How do you piss off a gay guy? Fuck his boyfriend in the ass, then wipe your dick on his curtains.
A pillow warmer is a stupid idea... Use your head!
One I came up with today. Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles? They are sacreligious.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Myspacebarhasstoppedworking  Only joking
Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
How to trigger a liberal... Mention "Indians" around Thanksgiving time.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell "what?" into a mirror over and over.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway
If it wasn't for the random passerby with the horrific deformity, I wouldn't know nearly as much about what the top of my shoes looked like.
I save so much money by not having any money.
chicken. knock knock Why did the chicken cross the road? (To get to the idiots house.) *knock knock* "Who's there?" The chicken....
When adding number in your head... It's really the thought that counts.
Why is the Canadian school system broken because they only give out ehs
Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
WIFE: I love you NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it's just emotional comfort after years of being toget- WIFE: *packing* I'll be at my mothers
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
It's been so long since I've gotten laid My sperm's starting to grow legs.
I'm so lazy, if autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I put my phone down.
I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey.
My neighbor is loud and obnoxious Now I know how Canada feels
I have enough money to last the rest of my life... So long as I don't spend any of it.
Parachute joke if your parachute doesn't deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it!
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
Policeman: Didn't you hear me  whistle at you? Woman Driver: Sure but I don't flirt when I drive.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall -- scale reads zero
Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do shitty work and blame anyone but myself.
My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore. It's because she keeps me in Czech.
Of course women are funny. Why else would there be so many jokes about them.
Did you know there are more planes in the ocean.. Than submarines in the sky?
Did you hear about the zoo with only one dog? It was a shit zoo
What did the fisherman from Boston say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod!
"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants."
what do you call an effeminate dwarf? A metro-gnome....
Who's the biggest bitch in a whole wide world? OPs mom
Troll your friends by texting them a fake blinking ellipsis ("...") http://imgur.com/3RM8yC2
I've just burned the Koran... ...to CD if anyone wants a copy.
Our parenting style can best be described as: Bad cop, Bozo cop
Q: What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake? A: It's not my fault.
I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.
With the banning of the Confederate flag in America... We are going through a period of erase-ism.
What is Trumps favorite movie? Minority Report.
Being killed by a paper-cut would be... Quite a novel way to die.
What do a Catholic Priest and second place have in common? They both came in a little behind.
What does Pong and WW1 have in common? It's not about strategy, but endurance.
What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder? A fedoral offense.
Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Jafar my name is jafar i come from afar there's a Note 7 in my car allahu akbar
Picked up our Christmas tree from the lot today AND my wife hasn't shaved in 3 weeks. Noble fir in the streets. Noble fur in the sheets.
What do you call a bee from America? A USB.
The hardest part of having sex again after you have recently been widowed is.... Gettin there before the rigor mortis sets in.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass Doctors describe his condition as stable
What do you call a hot girl with no legs? Disabled.
Why are the only kids in Warsaw magnet schools from Central Poland? Cause North and South Poles repel each other ...
What's the difference between a wide receiver and Ray Rice's wife? The NFL will review the tape of the wide receiver getting hit
When I was young, you could go into a corner shop with 1 and come out with 2 cokes, 3 Freddos and a magazine. Nowadays, there's CCTV everywhere.
If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense" So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me" And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.
TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.
Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ? Pupil: I did I shook my head Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you !
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
A priest, a theif, and a child molester enters a bar. He buys a drink.
I love campfire smoke so much ... it brings tears to my eyes.
Guess what happens when you have a vivid dream that you're taking a piss.
What chord does a piano make when it drops on a child? ...A-flat minor
My wife asked me 'What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? And if you haven't figured it out by now you'll never figure it out will you.'
The lonelier you are the more likely you are to incorrectly believe your cell phone just vibrated.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW! Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door* Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Have the day off when the SO comes home, "Have you been on reddit all day!?" Look at the clock, "Not yet."
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
I was writing an essay when Keanu Reeves busted in and told me that there's a bomb on my computer and if my typing speed fell below 50 wpm, the whole laptop would explode.
White people really do look alike, so let's fill up on teriyaki chicken samples by walking laps around the food court.
A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Drumpf are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America.
Why did Leonardo DiCaprio visit Sesame Street? It was his only chance to see an Oscar
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her And according to the judge, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend
A Chinese acrobat/protester somersaulted over the police line in Hong Kong and was pepper sprayed. The crowd declared, "That was a-mace-ing!"
I know karate and tons of other words.
The chicken I just ate wanted to be an astronaut when he grew up.
Did you hear about the Finn who  spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an  earthquake.
s/o to chins tho for scientifically proving that two is not always better than one
How does Donald Trump tie his shoes? In little knotsies.
What do you call an Isis execution recorder A daesh cam
Boss: Why weren't you at work last week? Me: Why are you living in the past?
RIP Ronaldo's Moth. The world's most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
"We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys" said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
What month was King Kong born in? Ape-ril
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die.
Two guys walk into a bar The first one asks for h20. The second on asks for h20 too. The second guy dies.
Eating Halloween candy and ignoring the doorbell. A little game I like to call fuck you I paid for it.
There was an explosion at the world's largest sprinkles factory earlier today. Fortunately there have been no fatalities, but the number of injured are reported to be in the hundreds and thousands.
The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl. It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
A businessman comes into work distraught, wearing a bloody suit.NSFW A coworker asks him, "What happened to your tie?" He responds, "I had to kill that whore because she had a freaking dick."
What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim ? An octopuss !
I can't stand sitting down
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet? Because Somalia doesn't have an education system
Why is an elephant braver than a hen ? Because the elephant isn't chicken !
Friend zone?! I've been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I'm telling mom!!
I speak both universal languages: 1. English 2. Louder & slower English
[Commercial for axes] [A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods] *Turns to camera* "There has to be a better way?"
Why do Scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables and the bartender says, You can come in, but don't start anything!
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My wife has this mood ring... It turns green when she's happy, blue when she's calm, and when she's angry it leaves a big red mark right on my forehead.
Hope is a single man's game... A married man can't get none "I hope she ain't mad" she is. "I hope I get head tonight" you won't. "I hope I'm not in trouble" you are.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there's really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
I like my women like I like my tea... ...white, weak and you can't tell if what you're drinking is piss or not.
What's the definition of black foreplay? Don't scream or I'll kill you.
What do you call a snake that is trying to  become a bird ? A feather boa !sna
If you're a copyright attorney and your slogan isn't "Carpe TM," go fuck yourself.
Women never listen properly Wife: I lost my keys Man: Its in your jeans Wife: Dont drag my family into this.
Why can't trigonometry teachers give good speeches? They go off onto different tangents.
In my experience, cross-eyed employees are the best deterrent against shoplifting. You just can't be positive that they're not watching.
My friend gets pissed when they call his phone a droid I told him: it's **An**droid, after all.
Why was the man with size four shoes turned away from Mount Everest? Because climbing Mount Everest is no small feat
So Darwin comes across a sad penguin in an airport.... He goes up to the penguin and asks, "Why so angry, you cute little fella?" The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed."
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
the "i'm revealing my deepest insecurities to you with hope that you don't use them to utterly destroy me" is silent in "i love you"
The hardest part about dying is finding a body double to sit in a coffin for you while you take off to party island.
It's official... My voice is incapable of making, "Thanks. I appreciate that" not sound sarcastic.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: You thought I was black? Cop: Haha. Yep. You're free to go sir
Women's rights.
I'm so bad at philosophy.... .....I Kant even
When does a motel become a hotel? When your mom stays in it.
Barista: "Welcome to Starbucks!" Me: "Large coffee please." B: "It's venti!" Me: "Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee."
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle? Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn't cheap tho
Girl: I like guys with six-packs... Guy: *opens refrigerator*
What does Jeb Bush say to his wife after sex? Please cum.
The Holocaust.
What did the Pirate say on his birthday? Ayy Matey
Why don't you tell penis jokes about richard? Because Dick nose
If your coffee tastes like mud... It's probably fresh ground...
Her: *"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"* Me: *"Yes"*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Don't have phone sex.... You could get hearing aids.
I just bought the politically correct edition of Doctor Who. What's the deal with all these Cyberpersons I keep hearing about?
Best way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas? When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers!! its that easy...
What do gay horses eat? *HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY*
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal ? That hit the spots !
Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.
Why did the mother feed her newborn lamb? Because it's baby food.
What do you call a hamburger that runs for president? A McTrump
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch she goes New York L.A. Chicago
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say "bye" 300 times.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cash ! Cash who ? Cash me if you can !
Makeup tip: You're not in the circus.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying "this one's on the house" every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
do you know what 6.9 is? It's a period ruining a beautiful thing.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton's speech calling them a "basket of deplorables." The rest had to go look up "deplorable."
So the Enlarged Prostate and the Bladder are taking. The bladder says " move I gotta pee!" the Enlarged Prostate smiles and says " Sorry but urine trouble."
My coworker was like "I love kids! Can't finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!" And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
What kind of boats do smart people ride on? Scholar ships!
What bathroom does Roy G. Biv use? The colored one.
Tell 'em how it 'tis, not how it 'twas: Edition 1. It used to be the joke was "If ya lick 'er, it's quicker" Now it's: if ya drug 'er, ya fug 'er.
"I love it when we finish each other." "You mean: other's sentences?" "No."
A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop There is de brie everywhere!
As told to me by an indian bus driver overseas... Why don't rabbits make noise when they fuck? Because they have cotton balls. Apologies if it's a repost.
I'm half Canadian. Not really. But I am partly sorry if I happened to offend anyone.
What is the most up-voted comment of all time? "repost"
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Delaware? Don't worry, he eventually woke up.
The first gay wedding will be taking place in Ireland next week The men's names are Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development. Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
The letter I takes up less room than the letter W yet they're both counted as one character. If Twitter was an Airline this wouldn't happen.
A Roman Emperor orders his guards to arrest his wife. He orders them to Ceas'er.
Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor? Doctor: It's a mango. A perfectly ripe mango Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My wife has been missing for a week now. Police have told me to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I'm not really sure. The air is clean. The mountains are beautiful. The flag is a big plus.
Melon love Two melons in a romantic relationship were discussing their feelings for each other. "Honeydew you love me?" asked the first. "Yes," replied the second, "but we cantaloupe."
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Gonna get "na na na na na na na na" tattooed on my forearm. I'll tell girls it's Hey Jude and I'll tell dudes it's the Batman theme.
Poe, is your baby hungry? Poe: Nah, BB-8.
Q: What a BLONDE will ask the doctor in the maternity ward? A: "Is it mine?"
My relationship is like Monopoly. She gives me too many Chances.
Who doesn't like lincoln logs john wilkes blocks
Imagine if the Indians gave the pilgrims a donkey... Then we'd all get a little ass for thanksgiving.
What is a monster's favourite drink? Demonade.
From my 9 year old: What do you and Tatooine have in common? You both have two sons\suns.
What kind... What kind of vitamins pirates take? Vitamin "D".
Reflection vs Refraction the point at which I realize how lucky I am to not have an Asian professor.
It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
Why did the boy not do his homework? he was ceebs
Why did the stoneworker get fired? Because he took his job for granite I'll show myself out.
You know why you never see I next to Y? I don't know why.
An officer pulls over a speeding blonde and asks her for her license. She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you took away my license and now you want to see it again?"
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.
I can't wait for thanksgiving. It's an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone's getting disowned.
TIFU by posting in the wrong subreddit
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it? CW: That's my stapler Me: You didn't answer my question
Things you can't touch: 1. Happines 2. The Easter Bunny 3. Your wife's sister 4. This
The internet is the devil sitting on the right shoulder of a man who suffers from insomnia, whispering in his ear "you will never sleep".
For as long as I remember I've always had amnesia.
What Rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
Kids suck. Even God gave up after only having one.
I really hate pretzels Some would even say I'm Anti-Anne's
Damn girl, are you r/Jokes? Because your shit's getting old.
I like the fact that Harriet Tubman will be on the $20 bill. It's good to have a black woman represented on American money. It just sucks that it will only be worth $12.
Suicide is like marriage... Once one person in your group does it a few more follow suit.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a serial rapist.
If Michael Moore was a conservative... ...he'd be Donald Trump.
Sometimes I like to stick a band aid on the middle of my forehead and when somebody asks what happened I tell them I got shot.
Every time you get a haircut, you're essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My friend told me he broke my lamp He said I hope you're not mad. No, im delighted
I'm giving up my new year's resolution for lent
I told my doctor I was addicted to Twitter He said "I don't follow you"
[NSFW] what do you call a Uk police woman with a shaved pussy? Cuntstubble
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he'd yell "HOt DOG" then howl like a wolf & give away his position
When Montell Jordan introduces you to his friends, but your name sounds like a title to one of his songs... "This is Howie Dewitt!"
I bet some of the Crusaders were just random guys who refused to admit that they were lost.
What does a basketball player do before he  blows out his candles? He makes a swish!
What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
me: maybe those nazi salutes... we're just them reaching for the stars... McDonald's manager: this is the fastest I've ever fired someone
"Is it long enough to reach most people's beds?" "Yes." "Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter." -Apple, creating the iPhone charger.
What do you call someone who raises poultry? A chicken tender.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. Knock Knock. "Who's there?" The chicken.
So two condoms walk into a bar.. .. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I was gonna tell you a joke so funny you'd laugh your dick off... but it looks like you already heard it.
the past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense...
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it's an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
The second fastest thing in a bathroom is the speed in which your butt-hole closes after a log comes out, but what is the fastest thing in a bathroom? The drop of water that makes it in.
I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... ... It's impossible to put down
What's the Difference Between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
A seal walks into a club... Lets say that he got knocked up just a little to hard.
A gynecologist and a pizza delivery man. What do they have in common ? -Both of them can sniff "the goods" but no one can touch !
What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats? A slurpent.
Why did the Dad divorce his wife after she named their son? She named him Oedipus.
A man walks onto an elevator There's a woman on it he looks at her says can i smell your feet ? The woman looks in disgust , no! She replies. Oh it must be your pussy then.
Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers? [cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all] Me: lol you could try
What's Obama say to Biden when he leaves the room after a argument? Good*bi-den*
Most action figures are surprisingly inactive.
I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.
What happens if you don't keep up payments to your exorcist? You get repossessed.
Gotta elect a billionaire President in 2012, 'cause rich white guys just aren't getting their voices heard in DC.
What did the guy who liked mustard say when he opened his fridge and saw no mustard? You mustard be joking!
People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.
What happened to King Midas after he facepalm'd? He turned into Donald Trump.
Me: What's your strongest weakness? Candidate: ... *Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up M: It's a trick question. You're hired!
How many magazines did the racquetball footwear company make before going out of business? Tennis shoes (Also: can anyone think of a more succinct buildup? It seems kinda unwieldy to me)
Just threw out my one night stand. There were termites.
Q: What do you do with a wombat? A: You play wom with it.
My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out of his arse...
I heard the chief of police on the news saying "we will never forget 9 11" I should bloody hope so its your phone number
[Phone with Mom] "Did you just friend request me?" I'm on fb now "I'm not adding you" Fine do your own laundry then *accepts friend request*
If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.
How do you make all the terrorists in one room convert to rationalism. Air condition the room.
I slashed my Postal Delivery Driver's tires today I wanted to be sure *all* of my last minute packages had flat rate shipping.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
How did the dog warn its master that a  Gorilla was approaching? He barked g-r-r-r-illa!
7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.
Cell phone. Recliner. Beer. Not at work. This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.
Passenger: Will this bus take me to New York?  Driver: Which part? Passenger: All of me of course!
Last summer holiday I went to Iraq for vacation..... I was so scared Iran
If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.
My girlfriend attended a 3 day course on "How Not to talk on the phone" but missed the beginning. She mistook the course to be "How to talk on the phone."
"I trust that guy about as far as I can throw him." -The Incredible Hulk, about a guy he trusts a lot
What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick
DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want ME: imma be a hamster D: ok not that M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*
An Asian, a black guy and a Jew walk into a bar.. bartender says, "Get the fuck out of here"
What does DNA strand for? National Dyslecsics Association
Once again I'm reminded that pressing harder on a remote control when I know the batteries are getting dead is not an effective strategy.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just Juan.
My grandmother's stories always include the race of everyone involved
I'll take Manly Men for $500, Alex. "Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time." What are instructions? "Correct."
What did the robot say to the other robot as they destroyed each other? "Nothing personal."
[firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn] [goose in the distance hears it] "Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly"
What did the beach boys play at their reunion show? Wouldn't it be nice if we were younger.
Chris Christie's Favorite New Dessert??? Impeach Cobbler
What do you call a crush on a fat person? An inFATuation
I'm going to start a band called Control Z We will play our songs, but start over half way through it.
How do you package a 21st century classical jazz singer? Buble wrap Sorry 
Me: I'm going across the street to get a beer. Priest: You can't bring a beer in here. This is a church. Me: I can if it's in my stomach.
[reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.
The difference between men and women is that for men, "stabby" is not an emotion.
What kind of bird opens doors ? A kiwi !
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: "If you can't behave we're going to have to leave here." "But I want to leave here." Touche.
Why don't we see more midget actors? I guess you can say that they are in short supply these days.
Rape jokes aren't funny, but ... I got some hilarious rape seed material.
ISIS has a lot in common with Little Miss Muffet They've both got Kurds in their way
What do you call a gangster who is really in touch with his emotions? An emo-g 
[vacuuming] Pick up your feet please. Kid on sofa: No! Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first* *turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Guinness book of world records I use to have my dick in the Guinness book of world records, but then the librarian told me I had to leave.
I have no home. I've got no control. There's no escape. I should probably look into getting a new keyboard.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop.
French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem... Comes out of nowhere
House Hunters: "We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown." Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds? "haha no" *3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My coworker said my clothes looked gay. I responded with "Well they did come out of the closet today."
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Why did Berlusconi go to the Costa Concordia? To see the Gash
Police are saying that they're looking for a black man in his early twenties... And that they always will be.
What did the guitarist say to the magician... Pick a chord, any chord.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend
Why did the dolphin go to church? He was looking for a porpoise. (thought this one up but I doubt I was the first one that did.)
I bought a Cosmo magazine that said "Best Sex Ever!" All I got was a bunch of papercuts.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
I don't have many friends: I don't have many friends but I can draw pretty well, so I drew a bunch of friends But I only draw in black pen.. So I feel really uncomfortable
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Can you spell jealousy with two letters? NV (envy).
What doesn't buzz and doesn't fit in your bum. Soviet made bum buzzer.
Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head
I'm in a very serious relationship with Batman. My beloved Baeman.
"Something's keeping me from masturbating," the young woman confided to her doctor. "I can't quite put my finger on it."
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Have you heard the joke about Baltimore? It's a riot!
I almost had a three sum last night. I just needed two more people.
What is the best name for an acrobat? Phillip
A man went to see his doctor. "You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said. The man asked, "Why?" The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"
Hi, I'm your son's teacher, Ms. Frizzle. Funny story, your kid is dead and inside a tortoise
Jon Snow ask a wildlings how to have.. sex. she said , you know nothing jon snow.
North Korea shows that you don't need religion to be crazy.
I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there.
What happens when a rock gets high? He gets stoned.. Badum tsss
I heard Chris Brown was starting a new radio station... It will be nothing but hit after hit.
Why didn't Thor like the party? It was too Loki.
Why can't accountants get library cards? They're book-keepers.
Long John Silver's is the perfect representation of corporate greed. Nearly everything that company does is selfish.
Used to be a stoner..... but I got all of that out my system in high school.
*Open up, police!!* "NO YOU'RE GONNA YELL AT ME."
[stand-up comic bombing] Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts Audience: BOOOOOO! Comic: Oh ok you've heard that one before.
What do vegetarian maggots eat? Linda Mccartney...
Q: What did the spud lover do before it went to bed? A: It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.
Man it would suck if I died on this plane mostly because of some unused gift cards I was waiting for "the right time" to use.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob* Wife: What are these? Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.
Reddit knock knock joke Knock knock..who's there...go away the punchline is private!!
This is not funny. I thought you said your joke was funny. It's not my joke.
Three tampons are walking down the road. What one says hi? **None!** Their all *stuck up bitches!*
How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven. One chief of police to oversee it, and 10 cops to beat the lightbulb until it wants to change.
what do a nun and a public defender have in common? neither one can get you off
What do you get when you cross a gangster and a serial killer? Murdered. (If you don't get it: "cross" can mean "betray")
Empowered women
Easy IQ Test: starting from 160, subtract 10 points for each honk of a car alarm before the owner can figure out how to turn it off.
What is any guy's dream first job? A blowjob
Anakin: How do we get in? Obi-Wan: We'll be stealthy. *turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
What do you call an elf that follows Scientology? Elron Hubbard
My love is like a candle... (Fixed) http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/32850407.jpg
I was going to tell you guys a joke about science... But all of them argon...
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.
As a CBT enthusiast I asked to see a dominatrix but she said she was too busy She put me on the grating list
What do the letters DNA stand for ? National Dyslexic Association
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Got fat from going to auctions every day. yep, it's more bid obesity!!!
What do old lady vaginas smell like? Depends.
A wife gets naked ...and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'  Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
for a guy named Health Ledger he was not keeping track of his health very well.
Why can't Vader find a steady relationship? He keeps looking for love in Alderaan places
I'm 22 years old now and my eyesight is worsening,... ...at what point do I get adult supervision?
I used to hate facial hair But then it grew on me
I finally got my crush wet.. She got mad at me because i stole her umbrella
Student loans: because you should know what it's like to be one of the poor people you're always going on about
when fruit talks Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
(Request) My uncle is trying to remember a Sarah Palin joke about her having a kid with down syndrome. Comment them here and I'll pass em along. Thanks a bunch :)
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.
Why did 10 die? He was stuck in the middle of 9/11.
What's the definition of a good actor?  Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.
If you talk a lot about "networking" you're the kind of person that nobody wants to network with.
Wife: Hit the light. *flicks switch (wrong light) *flicks another (fan) *flicks (disposer) *flicks (nothing) *flicks (some light in Canada)
My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I have a gambling problem I think she's bluffing
What was the fat asian rapper's name? Too chinz
How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...
For a tennis player, what is the perfect crime? Racketeering
Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together 
What did Whitney Houston's coroner say as he unbuckled his belt? It's not right, but it's OK
What is Link's favorite Final Fantasy character? Zell, duh!
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she's told me I forgot...
Cigarettes are like hamsters Harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Sometimes people ask me how I got so funny and I say "It's easy. I'm just deeply, deeply sad and my life feels unnecessary and empty"
Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth? That would be a midwife crisis
What does rock music and my grandpa have in common? The Strokes
Where does Jane Fonda buy her groceries? Traitor Joe's.
What the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish, it dies.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT'S "CRIMINALLY" HIGH LOL!!!! ... yes you can talk to my mom
Amusing roller skating falls collection. That's very interesting and amusing video
It's great to get laid, It's awesome to get off, but damn it sucks to get laid off.
It still makes me sad to think there are people out there who have a favorite Kardashian.
Fun fact: Did you know that HIV is Roman for 'high five'? Pass it on - or, rather, don't.
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous
How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a  living? By appearing in television spooktaculars.
I'm so high, I just tried to Google "My favorite songs".
Baby, you remind me of a perennial... cause you always make me come more than once.
My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.
You can't run through a campground... you can only ran, because it's past tents.
TIFU by burning my post oops retoast
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn't reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Why do cows have hooves? Because they lac tose
What is a good way to describe a tailor that refuses to make clothing for nuns? Non-habit forming
My wife was having an affair... I was devastated. But, by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning.
What do you have if you are holding a cricket ball in each hand? A bloody big cricket.
How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see  into the future.
Future said "I wake up on a daily basis" so he other does so much drugs that that's an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
When does John Cena get scared? When John CENA ghost!
A nurse takes a rectal thermometer out of her pocket... She sees it and says, "Oh dammit, some asshole took my pen."
I'm like an onion When I cut myself i cry
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years. C'mon guys, I don't have 2020 vision.
This is just a temporary status...until I think of something better
I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Seven Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant... and a waiter comes and asks: ''I'm sorry ladies, is *anything* all right?''
What do you call a rich brown person driving an Audi? A Saudi
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 60 pounds.
I would never take candy from a stranger, but I'd probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.
What is a pedophiles favorite Italian meal? Chicken Statutory....I'm going, I'm going...sorry but this is how my brain works before I've had coffee.
What's harder the softer it gets? Typing withw my peniuasd 9damnit!)
*Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag.
What is black and white and red and brown and silver and can't turn around in an elevator? A nun with a harpoon through her head.
What's Harry Potters favourite way of getting down a hill? Walking Jk, rolling
"Let's do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died" ~ Really personal trainer
League of Legends Joke Why do Jews suck at jungling? Because they always get executed at the first camp.
7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon. Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.
How many vegetables should you pull out of the ground in one day? None
My Korean friend died yesterday So Yung...
You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st It's the first date
I went to a place to buy some weed, turns out they didn't have any but they sold some shoes... I don't know what those things were laced with but I was tripping all over the place.
Trump after Obama is like Umbridge after Dumbledore. R.I.P
DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON "Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?" This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
If you cross a telephone and a pair of  scissors what do you get? Snippy answers.
I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.
I saw a documentry on saving the planet They had some garbage facts
Life is like a penis... simple, relaxed, hanging free, it's women who make it hard!
When your boss tells you "I need you to have everything done by Friday." You say... I can't have everything done by Friday! Who do you think I am, Robinson Crusoe?!
Boobies Teehehehhe
two blondes walked into a bar You thought one of them would of seen it
[home late] Where were you? "Uh, with my.. gf?" Gf? Well, tell us about her! What's her name? [commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
*At the Carnival* Me: How much for the petting zoo? Person: What? *Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A blind man walks into a bar... ... Then in a table, then in a chair...
Did you hear about the guy that had mountains for legs? He also had a Pyrenees!
"Hi" My name is "What?" My name is "Who?" My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady *scribbles on cup* "Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I'll start your latte"
If you ever feel like you are worthless, just remember... You were once the fastest sperm.
Tron's full name was Tronald
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian bail
You know what is blown out of proportions? Overweight suicide bombers.
Why doesn't the sun pack it's bags? Because it's traveling light!
It is okay to make jokes about Donald Trump, For now...
Awkward If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
If a hippo was studying to be a neurosurgeon what school would the hippo go to? The Hippocampus!
It's not that I need to manage my anger, it's that other people need to manage their stupidity.
What do you call a punch that can kill 20 kids and 6 adults? A Sandy Hook.
What is your name? Hugh Mungus
I call my car 'The Forest Whitaker' because the left light barely works.
Why cant Stephen Hawking put on a comedy show? Because he cant do stand-up
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Why Did The Stadium Get Hot After The Game? Because all the fans left.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
*tries to turn on TV* TV: I have a boyfriend
How physicists see other sciences: Biology: squishy physics Geology: slow physics Computer Science: virtual physics Psychology: people physics Chemistry: impure physics Math: physics minus the units
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None... They just sit in the dark and bitch about it.
" Could the cereal your children eat every morning be killing them? Tonite at 11 on abcnews56 we will tell you" " After several studies , no. "
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson  after the fight? A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
A priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says: "What is this, some kinda joke?"
Newspaper and IPAD I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly", she replied. "Borrow my iPad." .... That spider didn't knew what f***ing hit it.
What do scientists use to measure a chicken's gestation period? An egg timer
where does a queer download his illegal software from? pirategay
How did the detective solve the case of the missing nun? Through the process of cross-examination.
What's got 40 balls and fucks ducks? A 12 Gauge Shotgun
Listen, I might be 320 pounds but my doctor says I have the heart of a 20 year old athlete. Thank god he'd signed a donor card.
Who are worse than Hitler, Stalin and Mao combined? The mods of this subreddit.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on tides. The librarian says, "I'm sorry sir, that's just gone out."
I like my women like I like my whiskey... 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
The other day, a wizard offered to turn me into a cat. The suggestion gave me pause.
Breathing heavily, she asked me what I can give her. Me: "I'll give you a hint, it starts with a D" Her: "Oh yess, I can't wait!" Me: "That's right, get ready for some disappointment!"
How does the pope refer to his secret superhero identity? It's his altar ego.
Q: What do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic? A: About halfway.
How did "El Chapo" escape prison? Joaquin.
WIFE: you need a haircut ME: I do not WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping* ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Today I realised I really want to tie the knot with the missus. Anyone know where I can find instructions for noose tying?
Me: who's a good dog? who's a good dog? Dog: i have a boyfriend
You want to know who never gets checked for their ID? HumIDity.
Most people have X's. I have a bunch of Y's and WTF's
You know what they say about Arlington National Cemetery... People are dying to get in there.
I've stopped texting "K" and started texting "L" instead so I don't have to reach so far over with my thumb.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point
What does "Maginot" mean? Welcome
I like to skip when I'm carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
When is a dog not a dog? When it is pure bread. Told to me by a friend.
Thanks for wiping down my table... a damp surface that smells like a dirty sweat sock is so much better than a few crumbs.
Why do girls have nipples? Because without them tits would be pointless.
Here's a knock knock joke about the guy with no arms
what is a short, yet a long password? 1 to 8
No need to worry if your parachute don't unfold... ... You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.
Oscar If you're Leonardo, you must have got it by now.
What's the difference between Jared Fogle's divorce and other divorces? Most married couples tried to stay together FOR the kids. Not divorce because of them.
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable? The wheelchair
Whats a black persons favorite dance move the whip
Where does a pirate keep his gold? In his treas-arrrr chest!
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A drowning epileptic.
We should've known about the failure of communism In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...
The secret to juggling chainsaws is making sure people don't see your lips move when you make the chainsaw sounds.
What do you call a greedy lesbian? Bush hog.
Why was the wife worried that her husband was a light drinker? Every night, he'd go out and drink until it was light.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan Because I bet those girls are pretty thirsty.
Did you hear about the antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
What do you call an Arab flying a plane? A pilot you racist
One social worker asks another "What time is it?" The second replies, "I don't know, I'm not wearing a watch." The first says, "That's OK, the important thing is we talked about it."
*finally detangles ear buds *plane lands
The cutest thing my SO does... Her handwriting looks like she has Parkinson's
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it's now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky. They're always 20 years behind everything. Mark Twain
I'll tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it. (yeah yeah the joke is old, so am I)
I was told that hardcore Christians don't think anal counts as losing your virginity so that's why pastors get off scot free
What's the difference between a fruit and a nut? I don't fruit all over your mother's tits.
Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he was married.
When someone tells me, "Great question." I never hear their answer because I'm busy congratulating myself for asking such a great question.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
How does a detective stay cool in hot summer? He works on a cold case.
I bought some shoes off a drug dealer But I don't know what he laced them with because I've been tripping all day...
I got a new job growing weed. It's the Kush-iest job I've ever had.
I never thought that eating a bowl of Alphabet Soup could help me overcome constipation. But here I am, in the loo, having a massive vowel movement.
Why is Mexico's flag green, white, and red? Guacamole, sour cream, and salsa.
Success... Is like being pregnant. Everyone congratulates you, but no one knows how many times you got fucked.
Me: Feel free to name your next kid after me. Coworker: Why would I name my kid "Giant Douchebag?"
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction but I think she's bluffing
I eat my pop tarts frozen like the vikings used to have them.
My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential... Then he pushed me off the roof
If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away
I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river... The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!" The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!"
Why did a Stripper run for mayor? Because she did great on the pole
Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.
Care less and you'll stress less.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I got a tattoo on my penis that just says "OK" But when I see your sister it says "OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY"
what did the doe say when she came out of the woods? I'm never doing THAT for two bucks again.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack o' Lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says 'Ugh'
Jesus take the wheel ~ Mexicans stripping a car
A crowd started gathering around the car accident with the bagpiper... Twas so unfortunate he was kilt.
What do you call a group of babies? an Infantry
Knock knock. Who's there? It's Amy. Amy who? It's amy, MARIO!
How do you know your house had chicken pox? It has shingles.
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? Pokemon!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breath out of that tiny thing?
Q: Why was the blood donation unsuccessful? A: Because it was all in vein.
I love the queen in chess... I always mate with her.
I've concluded English is my phone's second language. It's the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I had a bad dream about pizza sauce. It was a real nightmarinara.
[interrogation] What were u doing last nite? I was killin my neighbour, Bert. Louder for the tape? [leans in] Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
What's the worst thing you can call a black person?.. Hint: starts with an N and ends with an R Neighbor
What do you call a slave snickers bar Sniggers
My colleague was being a real asshole the other day. We had a costume contest and he definitely won the prize for "Most Obscene."
What do you mean mom, how could my birth certificate be expired?
Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad descisions...
I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more
How is Ducktape like the Force? It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds everything the galaxy together. Edit:Duct Tape I know, I was tired
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
When I'm feeling bold in the kitchen, sometimes I'll change up a recipe by forgetting to put in a key ingredient
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
A frog goes to his doctor, the doctor says "I'm afraid you're going to croak very soon." the frog enjoys the joke and makes peace with death
Summer is here I'm at home and thinking: Should I go outside and look at those I can't fuck, or should I stay here and fuck the one I can't even look at?
What are the two sexiest barn yard animals? Brown-chicken-brown-cow
I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.
I just got a part in the movie Cocaine It only has one line.
I don't believe ppl who "don't masturbate cuz it's not the real thing." When I run out of Frosted Flakes, I put sugar on my Corn Flakes.
My packing technique for jams is amazingly effective; cram equipment in case, sit on case, break case, swear at case, buy new case, repeat.
A new type of broom has just been released, It is sweeping the nation.
What is black and eats pussy? cervical cancer
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alfred ! Alfred who ! Alfred of the dark !
"My god, it's the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run" *me holding a Shrek 2 DVD* Way ahead of you
Saw HBO were going to be making a new TV show set in an airport... They had to cancel it though as the pilot didn't take off.
There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes.. No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire? He threw his arm out.
If there's two things I've learned in life It's that I'm awful at counting.
Overheard in the jewelry shop: "I swallowed for this??"
My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.
I hope my car appreciates the wincing when I hit a large pothole.
My brother just asked me what 'FAP' meant... Shit! Now I am starting to regret leaving comments on his missus facebook pics.
You guys hear that Bono fell off the stage at the big U2 concert last night? He got a little too close to the edge.
Why are Jewish men circumcised? Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.
What were ACDC called when they were kids? ABCD
Everyone has a best friend who's mom they've wanted to fuck I like to think of my older brother as my best friend
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
[meeting her parents] GF (whispering): Please don't make a scene ME (angry-whispering): You told me there'd be cheese
What do you call a Nazi cetacean? Adolfin.
I want to create a Facebook event called "Shut The Hell Up" and invite everybody.
What does the British monarchy and yeast have in common? They're both inbred.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I believe we should all pay our taxes with a smile I tried, but they wanted cash
You wanna know how I hold my liquor? By the ears :p
I think my entire family is racist.. I was dating a white woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family. My wife and kids never even wanted to speak to her.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They've obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Life is like a silent fart Pfft.
Donald Trump's dick is so shriveled and emaciated,... Obama called in drone strikes on it.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
This woman at the bar said "move, you're blocking the door" & I'm like strange pickup line but sure here's my number.
What is Josh Duggars favorite thing about 19 year olds? There's 19 of them
Did you hear about WHO's new report about processed foods causing cancer? Who?
So I've got this friend Dan. But when Dan gets mad, he seems kinda girly. Because when Dan gets mad, *Danielle*.
What do you say when your neighbor's 5 year old goes missing? Nothing.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful [2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold They just left him hangin'
If you are getting a prostate exam... You're getting ANALysed!!!
What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship? The crews got marooned
What do you call a recovering alcoholic? A ginspiration.
"I'm not good at goodbyes." I am. See ya.
Did you hear about the Million Dollar Dutch Lottery? It's great! If you win, you gat a dollar each year... for a million years.
I hate when people judge me because I have tattoos I will only date people with tattoos
How was copper wire invented? Two Armenians were fighting over a Penny.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives? America.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
hello 911 "whats your emergency" there's someone in my home "are you safe?" it's a girl "do you like her" *starts twirling hair* I dont know
What is the difference between a G spot and a golf ball A guy will actually search for a golf ball
ME: woud u be open to adoption? HUSBAND: yes [later, at the adoption agency] ME: yes hi, i'd like to put my husband up for adoption
How do you trap an elephant?! You first dig a hole, second, you fill the hole with ashes, also throw some peas in there. When the elephant stops to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole.
How do you know your daughter's a slut? Because you never kiss her goodnight.
What did Goldberg say when he boarded the wrong train? "Auschittz."
Why was Anakin Skywalker king of the pub crawl? Because he killed all the Yuenglings.
My kid just told me all she wants for Christmas is a bell so she can "make lots of money like the man outside walmart."
[creating humans] GOD: Make them imperfect... ANGEL: Okay...done... GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!
You can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to do during conjugal visits.
Two Goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, you drive, I'll fire the gun
How was 9/11 an inside job? If the planes came from the outside.
Worst. Cruise. Ever. - Katie Holmes
[Request] Girls names and bike parts puns I can only think of IsaBELL anyone have any good ones? (Sorry if requests aren't allowed in this subreddit just delete if necessary!)
What do you call a Russian with three nipples? Whodyanikanipplov
What do you call a Chinese guy when he's laughing? Lmao
Thanks for declaring on Facebook that you've found "true love." I look forward to watching it implode in real time.
I saw this cute homeless girl on the street.. ..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...
I broke my arm playing golf today...
Did you hear about the guy who eating crackers in bed? He felt crumby the next day.
The doctors tell me I have Alzheimer's, cancer and hepatitis. It could be worse. I could have Alzheimer's.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don't want to explain to the Paramedics.
What did the lonely ghost do at 2 in the morning? He made a booo-ty call
How many tickles does it take to effectively tickle an octopus? Tentacles.
[ phone call ] Wife: You want the white 7" or the black 9". Me: The black 9". ..and if she wasn't tablet shopping this would be awkward.
How do you turn German beer into American Beer? Drink it
My favourite Celine Dion song is the one where it's muted all the way through.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say "Like the murderer?!"
I've had a rough morning. I woke up and tripped over my wife's bra; it was a booby trap.
What's brown and sticky? My poop.
What's the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles. (Told to me by my mother)
I stole a futon from a shop. I think the police are after me, so I have been lying low.
I don't think people should throw stones in regular houses either.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN'T STOP SHOUTING!
Why do melons always have well planned weddings ? They can'telope !
Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.
Unlike Eric Garner... I live for out of state cigarettes.
A list of my favorite sex jokes. I don't have any...
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice! Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Got a buddy who's half Cuban and half Mexican. Came to the U.S. on a raft powered by a weed whacker.
Could eating a lot of spaghetti make me a better dad? I suppose it's pastable.
Common sense: Walk away. Me: No.
So the test results are in. It's bad news guys, the doctor says I'm colour blind. Ill be honest with you, that diagnosis came totally out of the pink.
Two jokes... Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get to your house. ***************** *Knock Knock* "Who's there?" The chicken.
A little boy says, Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. ' Son,' says the dad. That happens everywhere.'
Why should you torrent only from French sites? Because it'll run faster.
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.
What happened when the lawyer took a Viagra? He got taller.
A pirate walks into a bar And the bartender says, "hey, you know you have a steering wheel hanging from your zipper?". The pirate replies,"arrr, I know, it's driving me nuts".
Why shouldn't you change around a Pokemon? Because he might peek at chu.
What did the one explorer say to the other when they arrived in Northern Canada? Eh, you take this one. I don't want Nunavut. PS: I realize it's a double negative.
What to do if you run over a black man in the rain? Well, you have an hour before the rain dries...
Tried Turkish food today... It was revolting
It was so difficult giving Dracula fellatio! I guess I went down for the count.
When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"? ...instead of all this "how did you get in to my house?" calling 9-11 business.
I could be wearing a onesie right now, you don't know.
I'm tired of people calling America the dumbest country in the world Quite frankly, I think Europe is!
What do the Texas Rangers &amp; Brett Favre's wife have in common? Neither of them are gonna choke.
What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire
Why did Ellen Pao cross the road? [deleted]
Two dissectors are talking... The first one says, "I dissected a women yesterday, who had a clitoris like a pickle". "Wow, that big !?", the second one replies. "No, that salty".
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything? Me: I'm just thirsty Him: What do you want? Me: Six tacos and a burrito
The Flash jacks off Welp, guess i jacked this one off too!
According to WebMC, I be illin'.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life? Well it pizza heck out of me.
"Hi yes I'd like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge" "Very good sir" [ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Two deer walk out of a bar... One deer says to the other, "man I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there
Hard to tell if the walmart cashier was mad about me having more than 20 items, or if he just hated his life.
TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name: Kanye.
Why was the French chef sent to prison? He was convicted of crepe.
Did you know the moon was made of cheese? Thats why NASA sent up a bunch of crackers.
TIL Ethiopian warriors conquered part of Central Europe in the 1300s That's why they call it Hungary.
If puns were people, where do all the bad ones go after they die? www.reddit.com/r/jokes/new
Whats a printer's favorite sandwich? A paper jam sandwhich
I stay awake at night wondering... I stay awake at night wondering if hooked on phonics has a hotline for addicts.
I got in a car accident with a guy with a premature ejaculation problem I swear he came out of no where
"Fig Newtons: they're like a funeral in your mouth!"
Do you want to be the greatest superhero of all? Be Alfredo and take out the damn trash. Just told my son this, he hates me now.
iknowlimit: Ultimate Avengers 2 - Rise of the Panth http://iknowlimit.blogspot.in/2012/06/ultimates-avengers-2-rise-of-panther-or.html THIS IS ABOUT MOVIE AVENGERS
What does the H stand for in Jesus H Christ? [Lame Joke] Haploid
Mickey Mouse just got shot at Disney World for being black.
I was going to be a banker... But I lost interest
How was Rome split in half? With a pair of Caesars...
5/6 people agree... ...that Russian Roulette is a great way to gamble.
Why did Tiger Woods stop designing golf courses? He couldn't keep it down to 18 holes.
Twitter - We built this city on block and troll......
1 in 2 in 3 in 4 in 5 doctors are babushka dolls.
it's cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Peanut Butter So I was balls deep in peanut butter, and I thought to myself, "Peanut Butter's a weird name for a dog, isn't it?"
What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes waiting at a four way stop.
I'm walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I'm startin' to feel AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Two midgets are sitting around, bored... When one of them pulls out some weed and asks: "Wanna get medium?"
Back off, doc. I'll close this wound. Suture self.
You know what they say about poorly produced pornography... You never see it coming.
Just watched the uncut version of Scarface. Face
I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I'm an international beatboxing champion.
The "PB&HJ;" looked better on the menu. They really do have everything at the Cheesecake Factory.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay.. they'd be bagels!
The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite So he went back four seconds.
Why was Putin late for dinner with Obama? Because he got Snowden.
A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy.
What's the difference between an 18 year-old girl and a washing machine? When you dump a load in the washer, it will not follow you around for two months.
What do you call a clever pig? Cunningham
What element can you find in almost any shoe store? Heelium! I'll see myself out now...
An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn't buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.
My girlfriend's dad wouldn't let us sleep together which is a shame because he's very attractive
It must have been something to watch MC Escher's kids run down the stairs on Christmas morning for all eternity.
What is a vampire's favourite soup ? Scream of mushroom !
My girlfriend and I are in sync! Like the band. Or soap.
I have a step ladder. I just wish I knew who my real ladder was.
If god didn't like sex, He wouldn't make us scream His name when it's really hot.
Why is one floor taller than the rest of the floors in the building? It's a long story.
I have a great joke Newcastle United
My friend told me I don't understand irony.. ...Which is ironic because we were playing checkers.
Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!
This whole time I thought 50 Shades of Grey was a coloring book for dogs
I like all my women to be Just the same as my morning coffee, I.e. liquid and hot, Often drunk on a yacht And usually bought for a fee.
Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Trick question; the rooster.
A German entrepreneur is opening up a new furniture department store. Word is, its going to be called Kikea.
My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she's learned enough in school. She's 5.
What is Bruce Lee's Favourite Drink? WOTAHHHHHH
I had a girlfriend with a parakeet. We had to break up cause it would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Can you tell me why the Irish only put 239 beans in their chili? well me boy, one more would be "twofarty".
I really dislike the "N" word... I don't even like saying vinegar.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Snake walks into a bar... Bartender says "How'd you do that?"
Her: I like risk takers Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]
A blind man walks into a bar... ...and a chair...and a table.
did you hear about the time they strapped a Timex watch on an old, flea-bitten dog to see what would happen? The watch kept ticking, the ticks kept watching.
I could never marry a tennis line judge... They always point out your faults.
Just changed my Facebook name to No one' So when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say No one likes this'.
I hope I dont die on 9/11. "He died on 9/11? His sacrifice wont be forgotten." "No, 9/11/27. He was checking favs in the shower and fell."
I painted my computer black to make it run faster. Plugged it in and high voltage sho(r)t it.
There's no easy way to steal a watermelon.
You can eat a clock But it is very time consuming
Did you hear about the Chinese brother's that tried to start a German Empire? Turns out two Wongs don't make a Reich.
You know you screwed up with your blind girlfriend when she says "We should see other people".
Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
Confucius say...Man who fall in sewer trough, in deep shit.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Q: How do you catch a rabbit? A: Hide in a meadow and make carrot noises.
Food is like Dark Humor Not everyone gets it!
I decided to put some ketchup in my eyes... ...but in Heinzsight, it wasn't a good idea.
Teacher : Give me a sentence with the words defence defeat and detail in it. Pupil : When a horse jumps over defence defeat go before detail !
How many Reddit mods does it take to change a lightbulb? [removed]
[Bad joke] How does a Marine like his eggs? Semper-fried! (Bring on the booings and the beatings)
I punched Dwayne Johnson in the butt... I guess I hit rock bottom **ba-dum-tss**
Why did the baseball player fail at the math test? He used base 3.
I really hate picketing but I don't know how to show it! RIP Mitch
Somehow it's reassuring knowing I'm not the only one pretending to be normal.
I went to the zoo, which is unfortunately closing due to a lack of visitors, and all that was left to see was... the going out of business snail.
Did you hear about the man running a marathon on the afghanistan border? He actually went 3 miles further... I guess Iran* a little too far *I'm pronouncing it "e-ran"
On which day during Black History Month are the kids taught how to Dougie?
What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump? I would tell you.... But I don't compare apples to oranges.
What did the clown say after having a few drinks? "I'm feeling funny"
Have you seen the inside of Stevie Wonder's house? Neither has he.
Dear all bands: Not everyone in the band has to have a beard. Start with the drummer and if you still suck, just add beards as needed.
Apparently, women in muslim countries can't drive. They can't do it here either.
Chuck Norris crab fishes the Bearing Sea using only a snorkel and a laundry basket.
What does the chicken do to get through college? She strips.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy from drowning? He was too far out maaaaan.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal  and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
What key do you need to open a banana? A monkey
What do you get if you mix Lassie and a canteloupe? Melon-Collie.
Hey you guys! Are you all right? NO YOU'RE ALL LEFT! :D
How do you know if someone was in the navy? Oh don't worry, they'll tell you.
I like my women like I like my music collection... Large, dark, illegal and mostly unlistened to.
I'm not fat. My stomach is 3D
What dog has money? A bloodhound because he is always picking up scents (cents).
How quick she mentions her husband/fiance/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I'd just go visit my family.
Why do Canadian cops not need to wear body cameras? Because Tim Hortons already has cameras!
What's the Best thing about Duct Tape? It turns Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!......to..... Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm.
Yo Mama is old I told her to act her age and the bitch died
I went for a job at NASA yesterday. Everything was going well until they asked me what my ambitions were. I replied, "The sky's the limit!" and they told me to fuck off!
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken
"Well, he's Jack Frost now lol" -Rose from Titanic, probably
Wife renewed me for another season.
Election Day Drinking Game: Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery hashtag nofilter
Black guy just told me "Stay up playa" but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.
It's a fair notion to suggest that I'm quite keen on oral contraceptives. I asked a girl to have sex with my one night. She said "No."
What's the most common phrase at a strip club? You come here often?
My Ex? Yea I'd still hit that.........WITH A CAR
The first thing out of my mouth when I was very abruptly and rudely woken up by my neighbor blaring "Trapped in the Closet"... "Ugh, that's the second worse way to be woken up by R-Kelly!"
The Russian army orders 100K rubbers from a US company, specifying 12" fit needed. The US firm fills the order with packaging marked "MEDIUM."
Colombian Necktie Did the man with the Colombian necktie like his necktie? He couldn't say.
It wasn't raining during Trump's inauguration It was just alternative sunshine
I feel like doing something rebellious and out of character to shock people. Like dye my hair a shade darker or stop taking iron tablets.
How did the pharmacist know his drink was spiked? He fainted after the punch line.
How do you get a stoner to comprehend what you're saying? Put it bluntly.
Alcohol is like real life photoshop for ugly people.
Mom always said I was going to be a strong one... After I survived that abortion
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves! No, I'm just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.
What is big, vibrates and makes a woman scream when put inside her? A chainsaw.
Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer. Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise? Customer: Yes. Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!
70 year old man asked his wife... Do you feel sad when u see me running behind young girls? Wife: No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it.
I'd make a political joke but it would just end up being elected.
Why can't Russia extradite US top-secret whistle-blowers? Because they're Snowden (snowed-in). To all the folks on the East coast, stay safe and warm.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
"What do we want?!!" "PSYCHIC POWERS! NOW!" "When do we want it?!!"
Why did the skeptic man have high blood pressure? Because he kept taking advice with a pinch of salt!
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan? Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull. Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here
Did you hear about the cannibal family who  were caught spying by the witch-doctor? They were given a right roasting.
Verbs Without them we wouldn't get a lot done.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day... ...set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
There's a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window. I'm calling the cops.
I heard this knock knock joke from a mime last week
I hate meeting girls dads That's why I date black women.
I won my first cage fight last night... Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it.
Irish man walks into a bar An Irish man walks into a bar the bartender goes, "What you havin'?" The Irsh Man says, "Nothing".
I don't understand Facebook. If I wanted to convince complete strangers that my life was better than theirs I'd become a rapper.
Anyone can sit here and buy you drinks. I want to buy you dinner!
Me? Racist? No way! Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
When my girlfriend's done wrong it's written all over her face. I have a flair for the dramatic, so I use a red pen.
How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis
Q. What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles? A. Electricity.
A man walks into a bar Ouch...
I'm in favor of spanking children. Their parents are not.
It's been so long, I think my virginity is growing back.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A pig jumped into a giant pit of mud.
Her: Oh no, I've lost my jacket.. Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows*
I have the memory of an elephant I went to the zoo last week, they only had one, he seemed pretty lonely :(
Why did you name your dog karma? She's a bitch.
My best friend ran away with my wife.... I miss him.
Seriously considering "Have boobs, will travel" as my new bio for everything. It's a good life.
HUGE shout out to Will Smith! With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in '96. Happy Independence Day!
Where do the Greek X-men sleep when camping? Mu-tents
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple? Listening to an antijoke.
You are one well-defined function!
Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar? Because you need to be 21 to get in.
I haven't seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I order to stay in the Navy, I had to take a course in anchor management.
What do you call a narcissistic plant with an erection? A self-raising flower. I'm so sorry.
I like my beers like I like my lumber; 2 by 4:00
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
I wish my wife were more like the Cleveland Browns. She'd work out all week and suck dick every Sunday.
You sneak into my room, unnoticed you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!
A paleontologist who studies failed ancestral lines... A Faileontologist
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? Because he's married.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren't invited to.
What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time? Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.
Did you heard about the elephant that was a hoarder? He had a lot of junk in the trunk. Come on, be easy on me, I made that up myself while staring at elephants at the zoo yesterday.
Man goes to a Doctor. "Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts" "Does it burn?" "I don't know, I've never tried to set fire to it"
A zero and an eight are walking in a desert... and the zero asks the eight "aren't you too hot with that belt on?"
When I die I want to pass like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the other people in his car.
How can you tell if your wife has been screwing all your friends? All their dicks taste just like her twat.
Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named "Marco" in the supermarket just now.
Why couldn't the baby camel surf the Internet? Because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got the hump.
Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim's ringtone.
What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaay! ( I didn't hear this joke until college.)
ME: I have chronic pain. It flares up whenever someone challenges my beliefs FRIEND: That's not really how chronic pain works ME: ow owwww
Bill Clinton's real-life aging looks like fake Back to the Future aging.
Why can't Zeno seem to pay his bar tab in full? Answer: Because he kept giving half of what he owes.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony? Skydiving schools. Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate! *releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I went to that restaurant you said I had to try. It fucking sucked.
why didn't Hitler pass algebra? He didn't know the final solution.
What did the feminist Jedi say to Emperor Palpatine? Check your privilege, sithlord
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk guy.
Alabama has changed its drinking age to 28 Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high school
This homeless guy just asked me if I was okay. I told him I was a little grumpy because I haven't eaten in three hours.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Getting a red heart instead of a yellow star makes me feel like things are moving a little too fast between us.
How are blowjobs and hollandaise sauce alike? You can't get either at home.
I got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.
Why are black people so good at jumping? As developing children their knee grows.
I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.
Did you hear about the author who wrote a book during her time of the month? It was a period piece.
What did Pontius Pilate say to Jesus? If you drop that damn Cross again you are out of my Parade.
Why did the elephant paints it's toes red? So he could hide in the cherry tree.
Archaeologists are the ultimate hipsters They love all that underground stuff.
Moscow cops Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes? One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".
What did the cucumber say to the salad? Nothing. (It's a cucumber. (They don't talk.))
Why are hours gay? Cause they have lots of secs with lots of min.
America is converting to metric units... inch by inch.
[NSFW] Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
Just convinced my Mom she won't get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn't see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."
What's the worst thing you can do when posting a joke? Accidentally hit submit before you
I had an Australian "Kangaroo" beer the other day It was too hoppy! -Greg Hahn
I like to take a dog with me when I play golf.... I put my balls in its mouth.
What did the cheeseburger name her daughter? Patty.
I bought the mask Jigsaw wears in the movie 'SAW' just so that if a robber ever breaks into my house he'll know he made a fucking mistake.
Why did the blonde start rubbing toothpaste on her vagina? She heard it helps reduce cavities.
I just hit my snooze button so much it's probably pregnant.
What's my New Year resolution? Well, I just got a Hi-Def TV, so it's 1920 X 1080i.
How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites? They take a gallop poll!
What's the difference between jelly and jam I can't jelly my dick down your throat
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday? Tell her a joke on a Monday!
One is the loneliest number. Seven is kinda racist. Nine needs to just come out already. Four drinks to forget. Three is angry, so so angry.
I've always been really bad at telling jokes. I always manage to fuck up the punchline.
Everyone working at a bank looks like if you said "Marry me and I'll take you away from all this," they'd instantly scream "Yes!"
My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn't understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.
What do you get when Hulk holds the American Flag? The Star Spangled Banner!
Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials? A: Double-dumb.
My daughter just asked me about UpBro! Lol Can you believe it?
There needs to be a "Sorry I clogged your toilet" Hallmark card.
Why did the baker have smelly hands? because he kneaded a poo.
Have you heard any good jokes about Indian food? I haven't, because there's naan.^Ba ^da^Tsssss
In order to write a good essay about trees.. ..you'll need to write a good photosynThesis.
What do you call a monkey sitting on a lions back? The most animalistic way to ride a pussy
I didn't realise Trump had a communist streak, but... His call for people of the world to seize the means of reproduction was rather stirring!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don't Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Teenagers are so cute when they think you won't hit them
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday!
Hey, wanna hear a Hillary Clinton Joke? [Deleted]
Don't sweat the petty stuff Always take time to pet the sweaty stuff
I like my women like I like my coffee.... Black and full of semen.
My Muslim coworker brought a CD version of the Quran to work today. He got really pissed off when I asked if I could burn a copy.
Why do blind people always laugh at jokes? Same as why they don't drive. They never see it comming.
I'm never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Pal - "Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?" Me - "I'll need a screwdriver." Pal - "Sure what type?" Me - "Greygoose or Kettle One."
Reddit, Facebook and Twitter should merge into one company called Bridge. To bring more awareness to Bridge Trolls
What I've said most in 2016 Table for 1 please
What's the worst thing to hear after giving head to Willie Nelson? I'm not Willie Nelson.
How do you fix a broken gorilla? With a monkey wrench.
They said to get in touch with my feminine side. So I did, and my next paycheck was 22% less.
I'm at the bar & I'm trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I love babies... ...but I can't finish a whole one.
People with speech impediments are just misunderstood.
I entered 10 puns into a contest last week. Do you know how many won? No pun in ten did.
What do neo-Nazis do on Hitler's birthday? Heil if I know
You can tell a lot about a person.. by not keeping their secrets.
Naked New Jersey My girlfriend comes up to me naked and says kiss me where it smells. So I drove her to New Jersery
Her: what's your favorite thing about our date tonight? Me: that it's almost over
What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
Auto-correct is so crazy now a days... My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men? IC
Who is this rorschach guy..... and why does he paint all these pictures of my parents fighting.
What do you call jokes on Reddit? Sit-down comedy
Friend: I'm surprised to see you eating a salad. Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Police Officer and the Pothead Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Why do most Vietnamese people seem like male prostitutes? Because they pay for everything with their Dongs
I can eat an untied shoe lace and poop it out tied I shit you knot!
The non-Spanish version of Ambien is called Amgood.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan's and iPhones right? -Me responding poorly to my kid's homemade Father's Day gifts.
How do you know when your dog is a bad hot dog? When it's pure bread.
An atheist, a vegan and a crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
DONKEY-ONION HYBRID Q: What do you get when you cross donkey DNA with an onion? A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
Our Great Dane has been causing quite a smell around my house. Whenever he barks I shit myself.
I lost 5 followers after tweeting my non-concern for owls. I must stop being so politically controversial.
Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem... [car horn] He didn't have access to the Record Scratch sound effect.
You're worried about rats in the walls? How is that any of your business? When was the last time you went inside your own walls?
What do you call a rabbi that you scrap off your shoe? Resi-jew. I'm so sorry.
People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!
A truly historic day. Thousands of women at a mall.. and no shoe sale.
What do cannibals eat for breakfast? Buttered host.
My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude
A distant relative of mine died and I came into some money... but my friends told me that I have a weird fetish.
Man goes to a Doctor and says "Doctor I feel like I'm swimming in an African river" The Doctor replies "You're in de Nile."
How do you know your sister is having her period? Your father's dick tastes like blood.
I predict that Obama's next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
why was the mother buying christmas gifts for her son in august? because presents are less expensive than chemo..
Mom: *tastefully decorates house* Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED
banned from the horse lovers facebook page again for unloading a litany of ableist slurs on photo of a shetland pony
Lots of nouns have particular GROUP names. A MOB of kangaroos, a HERD of cattle, a TEAM of footballers. What is the name for a group of Bankers? A WUNCH.
I eat those silica gel packets because consumer electronics are not the boss of me.
The only time my wife will ever scream "Deeper, deeper!"... Is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I'm starting a support group for people who think they are mortgages. The most important thing is for them to realize that they are not a loan.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn't violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty" Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights
Please put your drama in a joke format so I can understand it.
Struggling to understand why you would make a video game about stabbing people with swords instead of a game about petting people
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give them a hand !
I'm voting my fridge for president. Because America needs to chill the fuck out.
What does Iron Butterfly put in their margaritas? It's agave tequila, honey.
I knew that sexual fetishes could get more and more perverse over time, but... ...it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who lost his job? They gave him the axe, he just couldn't hack it.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? Their, they're, there
What do the female reindeer do when they want some fun? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep Pan, crisp and even!!
I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
im tired of chasing my dreams So I'll just get their number and catch up with them later
Where do football directors go when they are fed  up ? The bored room !
Q: What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows? A: A milk sheik!
I went to the doctor for a chest cold, she looked at me and asked if I'd ever taken steroids. I said, "No. but I appreciate the compliment."
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit
\r\jokes has the funniest most original content But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like "no, I went out last night"
The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.
The Galaxy is the greatest rapper alive. It rhymes in universes. :)
A Dragon Joke Two dragons are in a bar. One turns to the other and says "It's roasting in here!" The first replies, "Shut your mouth."
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
"Is this your resume?" Yes "It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?" Yes "Welcome to UPS!"
Why did 11 eat 12? Cuz 12, 13, 14
Where does Putin negotiate? The Crimea River
A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can't be too sure.
ok sir guacamole is gonna be an extra $1.80 plus the rights to sacrifice your soul to the dark lord satan thank u for choosing chipotle
What did the baby skunk want to be when  he grew up? A big stinker!
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey But I turned myself around
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know why
A Canadian and a Saudi Arabian had a baby... They named it Yasir Youbetcha
A bank's radio commercial just said, "Every dollar you donate can feed a hungry family." Your ATM fees can feed four, you murderous pricks!
I make you wet and naked people turn me on. What am I? A shower
What is green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table
Top 5 birth control methods 1. pills 2. hysterectomy 3. jean jackets 4. crocs 5. putting ketchup all over the fries instead of on the side
What do you get when you mix red and yellow? Trump
The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake- you can't learn anything from being perfect.
I used to hate the square root of -1 but then I realized I was just imagining things.
I saw a sign yesterday that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a little picture of the criminal and a number to call. I was bored so I rung them up and said, "No, I haven't."
Shake what your momma gave you. *shakes unemployed brother*
In the spirit of bipartisanship and cooperation, I think Trump should offer Hillary Clinton an important role in his administration... Like the ambassadorship to Libya
Just made this up... NSFW? What turned the nice teenager into a crackwhore? A dick did.
Meet George Jetson His Boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife Just kidding, obviously. I'll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.
FDA approving female viagra next week. Or as Bill Cosby calls it,  a "spritzer"
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram
Why did the Ferguson protesters not participate in Black Friday? Because they have already looted everything they would have bought anyway.
The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.
What does a Turkey eat when it's hungry? An Armenian!
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees. Long story short, I'm getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
How does a Greek find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying!
Shot through the heart and you're to blame, you give body armour manufacturers a bad name.
I react to the phrase "open bar" the way my dog reacts to everything
If I was Jennifer Lawrence, I'd see which laws I could ignore. Start with going behind the counter at Starbucks, work my way up to murder.
How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.
"I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." - Dolphin bucket list.
I tried playing UNO with all my Mexican friends... ... but they kept stealing all the green cards!
Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
When I'm sick, I just remember my mother's sage advice: Feed a cold, starve a fever, and drown a soul-crushing depression in food and booze.
Roma menstruation Q. What's the best thing about a Gypsy on her period? A. When you finger her you get your palm red for free.
Boeing 787 The Boeing 787 Dreamliner has had so many leaks from the fuel and oils on board that they are re-naming it the Wet Dreamliner! C.H.
Where do suicide bombers go after they die All over the place
Yo momma so fat When she wants to feel sexy, she puts on a marathong.
There's a cat curled up on my pillow, and I'd probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
What did the vegan Neanderthal say when walking in to the woman's bathroom? Chickpea
Has anyone else's world ended yet? Mayan hasn't.
My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he threw me off the roof.
I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Peyton Manning walks into a bar. ... to watch the Super Bowl.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it? Finding half a worm in it. And what's worse than that? The holocaust
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Classroom Nerd (In a high school class room) Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there. Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day. Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a pimp
Why did the man take a shower? He was a thief
Michael J. Fox What is Michael J. Fox's favorite song? Shake it off
All my sisters ex fiance smoke pot... She just couldn't marijuana them.
What's worse then biting into an apple and finding half a worm.... Getting a bus from the plane to the terminal
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A: "Where's my tractor?
I used to be in a band called Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.
What do you call a gang of Country musicians jamming the shit out of some good ol' music? A twang-bang
Gotta admire the Nazi's ethics on medical research... ...since they advanced the field without hurting any animals.
A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo." The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while then says "Yup seems like a fair trade to me."
Anniversary present Wife tells her husband that she wants something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds. And on their anniversary her husband hands her a scale.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,... Judge: Don't presume I know it, counsel. Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know...
The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he's famous, then they'll be his friend.
So the other day I went to the zoo There was only one animal there. A dog. It was a shuit tzu
How many particles are there in a vaccum? It doesn't matter.
I don't like road head I always have whiskey dick.
Jesus Christ, superstar He dresses like a woman and he wears a bra!
Older son just taught me something that I didn't know. Apparently, the seat behind "shotgun" is known as "Kurt Cobain."
Her: that's disgusting Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes Her: you shouldn't be pooping in the car at all
What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle? The weekend!
I got an email from Olga. She thinks I'm sweet & "longs for finding a special person for serious relations". So there's always that.
I read a book on anti-gravity... I couldn't put it down.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Michelle Obama walks into a bar where the bartender is Vladimir Putin... complete the joke...
Made this joke up when I was 33. Extremely proud of it. Why did the salt fail 3rd grade. Cause it was sodiumb.
Oh no, a subtweet. You got me.
Today I went to an Indian restaurant and asked for bread They told me they had naan.
Every time I drive past a hitchhiker I feel kinda bad thinking maybe they're just liking my status.
My brother said his wife is "like a plunger" when she gets drunk. She likes to bring up old shit. Hahahaha
A woman is looking in the mirror... She complains to her husband:"I'M OLD AND FAT!" To which her husband replies: "Your eyesight is still ok."
An elephant [NSFW] What does an elephant use for a vibrator? An epileptic.
Did you hear about the electrician who beat up a baker? He was charged with battery.
Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick into someones ass.
"Hey, where's the beach?" "Down by the ocean!" -Dr. Demento, presumably.
When the animal kingdom had a poker party who didn't they invite? The Cheetahs!
Caught my wife in bed with a guy, says he's here to fix this wobbly wood bed frame. It seems legit, his Carpenter jeans are on the Floor.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"
I once caught my ex-girlfriend putting acorns into her vagina... She was fucking nuts.
A plant goes to a university. It is a STEM major.
I was given some financial good news today. The child I sponsored in Africa has been mauled to death by lions. for more sick jokes visit sickipedia.org.
Why does it take so long to play Israeli sports? Because all the replays are in shlomo.
I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers. I guess you could say he's behind The Times.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know BAD COP: Or we'll turn up the heat DAD COP: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Congress passed some bold legislation regarding cerebral palsy recently They call it the Ballsy Palsy Policy.
People with scoliosis are the same as you or I... But with a twist. I'll see myself out.
Cabbage get merried to Onion Friends ask them about wedding nigh . . . . . . . Cabbage told them in sad way "What wedding night, it tooks whole night to undress each other".
What's white at the top and black at the bottom? Society
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver. Driver: I don't work for Uber. Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn't I?
Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!  Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes but I thought it was mine!
What type of car explodes? A Talivan.
I asked my girlfriend to buy me some Japanese food. ... sushi did.
An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought It's a growing problem.
We've got people working on world peace, and I'm here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient's chocolate without her noticing.
"So what do you do?" I'm a wordsmith "A what?" A writer. I deal with words. How about you? "Oh I'm a uh... weedsmith"
"The ONLY guaranteed way to lose weight is through Diet & Exercise!" -People who haven't tried Meth
Apparently, Emma Watson is to star in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. If this turns out to be true, by the end of that movie my peni$ will be fifty shades of purple.
What award was given to the best knock-knock joke winner? The No-Bell prize.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys - Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Have you heard the one about the jellyfish? It's a real no-brainer.
The MI5 are watching every move I make and breath I take... It seems it's a sting operation
I wonder if when a porn shop owner gets married, he accidentally tapes over his porn with wedding footage
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet* i'm letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I have no problem getting women into the sack... ... it's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.
Why can a penguin never win Best Actor? Because it is part black.
*Cop yells at dog* LADY WHAT ARE U DOING *dog continues to give birth* THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR *looks directly at camera* LITTERING
Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love... They date for awhile, get engaged, and then get married. The wedding ceremony itself wasn't that great, but the reception was amazing!
Why didn't the guy with ADHD take his medicine? He forgot.
"I'm having a public meltdown!!" - A Snowman, maybe.
Why was the circuit arrested? Because it was charged with battery!
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas? Tibet
Since I started my diet my pants are two sizes too big! Granted I just bought a bunch of pants that are two sizes too big.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
What do porn stars and prostitutes say when they wake up in the morning? Time to suck today's dick!
Politics have really just become an emotional beauty pageant But you know... Women's Rights
Poor tradesman... ...blame his fools. I mean tools. Fuckin keyboard
Food is like dark humor not every one gets it.
In current news: US: Stop that Middle East: Stop what? US: That Middle East: This? US: Yes that Middle East: This? America: OMG STAAAHP
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous? Me: The blood of all my enemies. Bartender: Me: Bartender: Me: Miller Light
What do you call it if a white person robs you? Capitalism
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
If you can't beat them What's the point of having children?
Me: I'm a scorpion. Date: You mean scorpio? Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My girlfriend always keep her boobs pressed against my face when she asks me for expensive things.She calls it the "Booby trap"
Iron Man and the Silver Surfer should team up. They'd be strong alloys.
What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!
Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year. From all of us, thank you x
My iPhone just autocorrected "everyone" to "wartime". I'm not entirely sure what that means but I'm pretty sure we're all going to die.
Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No we just let them go barefoot.
what type of dog do you see at the zoo? a shitzu
Why did the chicken run out of the brothel? Whore moans.
CNN is fucked if their viewers ever discover they can access the Internet on their own.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
"I have a cure for your burning bush."  Moses hitting on the ladies
Why can't Bill Gates get a girlfriend? Because his penis is Microsoft.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a "pretend Christian", and if anyone's an expert on "pretend Christians", it's Mike Huckabee.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can't even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Out of all the children's stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How's someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh
I'd work out, but I'm still trying to perfect my "before" picture
Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird
People with guns, asking for your money... ...You've got to hand it to them.
I'll stop gnawing the ends off violins when they stop looking like Cinnabons.
What do you call a Pokemon with breasts? Rattata.
I've decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back
Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem) A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.
Why did the Mexican push his wife of the cliff ? Tequila
96 is the number of rejection.
What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash.
[Russian Joke] What will the results of the next election be? No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!
What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ? A horse !
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.
I wish I was able to argue about something as strongly as women do about nothing
What's the best way to search a linen store? Undercover.
You may think I know fuck nothing ... But let me tell you. I know fuck all.
I want to make a revolutionary new show called So You Think You Can't Dance. It's a singing competition.
I got caught torrenting "Free Fallin", "American Girl", and "Wildflowers" They charged me with first degree Petty Theft.
I'm taking a 10-hour drive tomorrow and I'm worried about where I'll be pooping. What? No. I don't want to supersize. Aren't you listening?
IamA personal executive assistant answering questions on behalf of former Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, AMA! Whoops, wrong *sub.* [The Payoff](http://wompwompwomp.com/)
cow: where does milk come from? me: *laughs* cow: *laughs* farmer: *laughs* milk man: *laughs* everyone: *laughs* cow: but no, seriously.
What's blue, small and sits in a corner? A baby with its hand in the power socket.
Women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Wake Up People! Ottoman cannons can't melt Byzantine walls! The Fall of Constantinople was an inside job!
Knock, knock... Tim Buckt.
Paul Walker had to take some time off from the Fast and Furious series He was burnt out.
My friend asked me what my favorite calculator was... My friend asked me what my favorite calculator was. I told him they all had their plusses and minuses.
I got a call telling me my grandma only has a few hours left to live.... but I refuse to pay the ransom.
What's the best thing about living with alzheimer's? You get to meet new people everyday.
How do you know your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
swallow...
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments...wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
LPT:Use your initials instead of full name The results will be acronymical!
7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokemon cards w/out breaking eye contact*
I learned 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' but some words are WEIRD.
Yo mama is so fat, when the judge said "order", she order a milkshake, cheeseburger, and fries.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
How many cis-gender white males does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. And it would be his privilege to help out.
Eternal Life And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' But lo, John came fifth, and won a toaster.
The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Oral B is sponsoring tonight's NASCAR race. That seems like an odd choice for a sponsorship, considering most NASCAR fans don't even have teeth.
STILL PRINTING Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
Sometimes I feel so lucky to be American... Not like those poor kids in Africa, or the euthanasia.
What's Imperial Britain's favorite game? Clash of Clans
How can transportation be improved in Harlem?? By moving the trees closer together.
Weighing elephants is .. A large scale problem.
A cheetah and a lion are racing in Africa After the cheetah easily wins, the lion complains: "Man, you're a cheetah" and the cheetah says: "Naw man you're a lion".
What did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine...? I heard that he was fully re-covered.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don't want my onions to feel awkward.
I've decided to get rid of my vacuum cleaner... ...because it's as old and overused as this joke.
I bought these shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
My dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the Net. What an intelligent animal! Not really it took the cat three weeks to teach him.
My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don't think she's buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.
I'd like to thank not only my mom and dad ... But my parents
Yur mom is so fat When she blow her nose chicken nuggets come out.
People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon. How many galleons did the get to the mile !
As a female carpenter, I'm often asked if I prefer... To get screwed or nailed...
I would feel morally obligated to eat whatever I kill... So please don't try to rob my house...
The hottest chick rang me up at the self checkout today!
"What's taking the pharmacist so long? It's just one prescription" *behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
The best thing about being deaf. The best thing about being deaf is that all genres of music sounds fantastic!
I'm learning how to play the neurotic guitar. It's a lot like an acoustic guitar but it's a little more high strung.
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer... I dont know what he laced them with,but Ive been tripping all day.
[Request] Any good jokes with the word "shit" in them? I love shit jokes. Thanks.
What do you do if you get a peanut stuck in your ear ? Pour in a little chocolate and it comes out a treat.
679 Fetty Wap. 17/38 because that's his vision.
Kanye West is the type off nigga that shows up to a random funeral and say... Why ya'll crying, I'm still alive
Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
Those goddamn Asian drivers....... Always crashing my PC
Instead of recommending more people to follow, Twitter should recommend that I shut this computer off & get on with my life
What's a junkie's favorite videogame? Need for Speed.
I think my brother is addicted to huffing paint. It's written all over his face.
Rob Ford..too soon? *Some* people though it would be nice if Rob Ford could be mayor for tumor years.
Why are they called overalls when you can still see arms and the head? That shit ain't over all. Those are oversomes and whatnot.
Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.
Father: I want to take my girl our of this terrible math class. Teacher: But she's top of the class. Father: That's why I think it must be a terrible class.
I named my dick Rosa Parks ...Because it refuses to go in the back.
College is like unprotected sex... Good until you get tested
What is the difference between a girl in church and a girl in a bathtub? The girl in church has hope in her soul
How is having a new dishwasher at a kitchen job like being in the Matrix? There is no spoon.
Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.
[at wedding] Is there any reason why these two shouldn't be wed? * me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR *pianist vomits*
It would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white... Me: Black bread. Chef: We don't have that. Me: Racist.
My baby just said "mommy" instead of "daddy" First word problems
Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you're fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn't originally realize.
Why does no one own an Xbox in Pennsylvania? Because it's always Sony in Philadelphia!
A pedigree bulldog missing. Founders  rest in peace.'
I can't watch the Super Bowl this year. It's all a LI
What do you call a Nazi who survived the war? A veterinarian
Knock, knock...... Who's there? Do you have a moment to install Windows 10?
What do Osama Bin Laden and a salmon have in common? It's a great life until they run into a seal.
I went to a Stevie Wonder concert last week and it was terrible. They moved the piano and forgot to tell him.
What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.
My girlfriend decided to quit her job at the yogurt company The truth his, she never really liked the culture
Which is faster hot or cold? Hot, cause you can catch a cold!
Do you wanna get raped? person: No me: Well that's why its called rape not sexual intercourse
I like to steal other peoples' Viagra... It's a real dick move, I know.
I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him. That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI
What's the filthiest joke you know? Here's mine How do you know when your sister is on her period? Your dad's cock tastes of blood.
What happens when you give a politician viagra? He gets taller
What do you call a sarcastic abyss? A sar-chasm.
When I grow up I wanna be a fire truck
What's the difference between a Mac user and a PC user Mac users command, PC users control
ME: I love the D HER:Why? ME:I love to lick them first HER:... ME:Then I love to swallow them HER:... ME:I love D Dunkin' Donuts Interview
Four girlscout cookie boxes down in a day and I realized I have a problem ... I'm running out of cookies.
How do you know Jesus loves Japanese food? Because he said he loves miso.
Sorry sweetie, but no. Alcohol is not an excuse for being a dirty slut. Nice try though.
What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pick pocket The pick pocket snatches watches
What do you call a color that doesn't exist? A pigment of your imagination.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands... For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale? "It was an absolute steal!"
Remember the two friends who got the world record for longest staring contest? Yeah? Well turns out they aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.
How do you call musicians who produce hit after hit? Hitlers
I asked my sister how her blind date went "Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about *that*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.
Son, there's no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
HR: You know why we called you down? Me:Hm. Promotion? HR: You know we monitor internet usage right? Me: I'd like to reporting a hacking.
man I hate tailgaters I was doing 35 over the limit today and the idiot behind me was still tailgating and the flashing lights on his car looked stupid too
I once met a dyslexic atheist... ...he didn't believe in dog.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They can't change anything.
Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria? He had diplomatic immunity.
The rabbi really messed up that circumcision... It was a total rip-off.
*Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."
You gotta hand it to the blind prostitute. .. ...
What's the difference between a horse and a zebra? A lawyer.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anthony ! Anthony who ! Anthony you want !
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field!
If pro is the opposite of con.. Then what is the opposite of progress? Congress.... Thank you George Carlin :)
I remember when my dad was a drinker I also remember when he was a alive.
So, I met this Dutch girl with inflatable shoes the other day.... ....I called her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Me: Siri, how do I look? Siri: Well, at least you tried
I masticate at least three times a day, usually at my computer Damn sticky keys!
I was kicked out for trying to have sex with a girl with down syndrome I wanted to lose my virginity to someone special.
Did you hear about the guy that didn't pay the midget hooker? It was a low blow.
Me: "Get me a newspaper."Friend: "Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad." Poor spider never knew what hit it.
A Spanish magician is performing a trick. He says "I will disappear in Uno, Dos... -" He vanished without a tres.
What's the difference between Ray Rice's wife and a fish? A fish can take a left hook.
I tried to convert to Judaism, but they rejected me when they found out I was uncircumcised. I guess I just didn't make the cut.
Scientists just announced the discovery of another planet in our solar system They're calling it Plu-two
To celebrate this Valentine's Day beat your wife... In a friendly race down to the mall.
Did Delilah ever tell that guy what New York City is like
A veteran's son asks him "Dad, did you get shot in the army?" The dad replies, "Nope! But I got shot in the leggy."
What do you call a Nurse that specializes in male genitalia? A Pi-nurse.
I once tripped and fell into a deep crevasse. Sorry, that's the hole joke.
What knight of the round table never paid with cash when buying something? Sir Charge
Seahawks on the Super Bowl Hey, so are you guys wanting to win the Super Bowl? Nah, we'll pass.
What do vegetables watch when they're feeling frisky? Cornography
Fat joke with girlfriend Me : I want to go to McDonald's grab something to eat Gf : yeah that's what fat people do !!! Me : alright then you can grab something for me ! Thanks babe :)))
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what "nerd" means.
I invited OJ Simpson to my Thanksgiving dinner. He's good at carving white meat.
A bar of gold walked into a bar. Unfortunately the barman wasn't having it and shouted "AU get out of here"
TIFU by not adhering to reddit etiquette. I have a constant problem of posting on the wrong subreddit.
*Knock Knock* Me: Who is it? Police: Police. Me:What do u want? Police: To talk. Me: How many r u? Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I: a) Walk through a spider web? b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap? c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Two Polish parents are sitting at the dinner table with their two kids... The father turns to the mother and says "Why don't we send the kids out to P-L-A-Y, so we can fuck"
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth inside.
[Walking around the office] *Sees nosepicker* *Hears burper* *Smells gas* Boss: What are you doing? Calculating the..."Gross Margin."
Black Betty An African lady named Betty came into a restaurant and asked the server, "Is there any chicken on the menu?" The server replied, "No, Black Betty, it's ham or lamb."
What do you do when your wife is blocking view of the TV? Go to the kitchen and shorten her chain.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Never in the history of unlimited data plans has someone gone through their significant others phone and gotten happier
one time a friend asked me "how are you still single?!" and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head
The first and last person to LIKE this status are the sexiest people in the whole wide world!
[Shark Tank] Ok hear me out. -Alright. It's an airplane made out of cats. -But why? It cant crash. Always lands on it's feet. -Please leave.
Its so cold In Massachusetts I just seen a democrat with his hands in his own pockets! ;)
I'd be more inclined to get in a stranger's van if he was offering free wifi instead of candy.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking... J. K. Rowling
Why did Moohamad eat his wives out so much? Allah spoke the kuran to him through the bush.
Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris had a contest to see who had more balls... Chuck Norris won by three.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gargling noise*
What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker? A no-bell prize
"When a girl says 'Awww Thanks!', it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from."
A man had three sons. One was a model, the second a hair stylist.. The third one was also a faggot.
*knock knock* Who's there? To. To who? To *whom*.
Drove my son to school only to realize there was a 2 hour late start. I should have dressed him warmer. He looked cold, sitting on the curb.
*puts words between two asterisks*
The only day of the year that gives an order March 4th Sorry this was one of my dear departed mother's favorite annual jokes. Just had to share the love!
Why can't there be peace in the Middle East? It IS what it IS.
what are you listening to right know ? candy shop.
Two Snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff buh dum tss
What time is it when. You have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
If I was super religious, I'd celebrate Easter by getting nailed.
My Grandma Discovered an online knitting forum She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.
I will never vaccinate my child. I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef jerky!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
What was eating away at the computer's RAM storage? I don't know, but it was going at it one byte at a time.
I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.
BREAKING NEWS: Facebook is down. Worker productivity rises. U.S. climbs out of recession.
I got an anti-gravity book at barnes and noble today. it's impossible to put down.
Crazy that we could end poverty by having an airplane drop thousands of inspirational quotes from Facebook on a 3rd world village.
When someone tells me that they have no life I usually respond with this... Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Select Start
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps can finish a race.
"date night!" = "our relationship died a year ago!"
What do you call a Russian with three testicles? Hudyanika Bolokov
What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and your mom? Biggie loves it when you call him Big Poppa, while your mom just loves it when you call.
Have you heard about the Indian that set the track for Native American's to vote? He was the little Injun that could
How long does it take to reach the ground from 100 stories up? The rest of your life.
My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.
Harambe walks into a bar... Bartender: What will you be having to drink? Harambe: I'll have a beer. Me: No, he'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice? Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.
I like women like i like my pizza Crusty with lots of cheese.
Zebra joke! I heard that zebras are neutral about racism.
Did you hear the one about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
Did you hear about the anxious gynaecologist? ...He got in a flap.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
What do you call and Indian funeral? A pool party
Orioles Buck showalter
Why did the strawberry take the fig to the movies? Because he couldn't find a date!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you behind and never comes back.
Imagine how confusing it would be if Ms. Pac-Man didn't like hair bows.
I'm thinking of going on a diet. I'm going to become an egalitarian: I only eat eagles.
What did one computer say to the other? Error 404 joke not found.
The Naughty Schoolboy by Enid  Spanking
6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU 8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.
What's the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser? Depth perception.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don't think he knows he lost one.
What's the difference between a loaf of bread and a penguin? "I don't know what?" "We're sure not sending you to the store!"
I'm thankful for the Buffalo Soldiers who fought tirelessly for our chicken wings.
Dude goes to convenience store and asks for cigarettes, gets one and warning reads " Smoking can cause impotency" politely asks "Bro, give me the pack that causes cancer"
What do you call it when a signal processing firm quickly remodels their entryway? A fast foyer transform!
A large marine mammal was recently in Cardiff. It had a Wales of a time.
What part of your hand is the most salty? The NaCls
Why did the dad say the joke instead of act it out? Because it was cheesier said than done.
What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "Man, if we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
Where do epileptics love to eat? Little Seizures
There is one good thing about pedophiles... its that they drive slowly when going past a school.
What do you call a museum for cows? A moo-seum.
Doctor, doctor, what did you say I had? Capricorn? - No, C a n c e r.
The wedding Joke American People - I am going on a blind date. Indian People - I am going on a blind wedding.
A jew, an episcopalian, a veterinarian, a hipster, a redneck, a goth, and a frat boy all walk into a bar that promotes diversity The bartender says "sorry, we have enough whites."
I rustle jimmies look at my name lol
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Mum are the Smiths very poor people? I don't think so Jimmy. Why do you ask? Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin
Really, nobody in America won last night. The Mega Millions jackpot went up to $63 million.
I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have........ Happy New Year!
I'm on the fermented barley diet... and I've never felt better.
What's the same as an ocean rabbit? A C-hair!
What do you call a horse who likes to carry all the groceries? A one trip pony :D
What's a balloon's least favorite music? Pop.
I've started to take the SJW movement seriously and have applied it to my parenting style It's why I'm ignoring all my 10-month olds privileged white male tears.
Best amputation jokes? Friend has bone cancer, may be getting an arm amputated. We have run "I'd give my left arm" and "Single-handedly" puns into the ground, and we need more amputation jokes.
What does a Canadian get by mixing black and white? Greh.
Not your average dad joke Knock knock! Who's there? To To who? To whom
Front page of cnn.com features "Cats that look like Hitler". Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I needed to clean my FleshLight, i heard they were dishwasher safe. But that would Just ruin the load.
I used to have a friend named Frank... Until one day I asked him: "Can I be Frank with you?" Now I no longer have a friend named Frank.
i found out how to kill vegetarian vampires a steak to the heart
[date] Me: *ok don't let her know I'm a bull* Her: "so what are some red flags for you?" Me: *sweating* "haha red flags? Where?"
What do you call a vegetarian? A hopeless romaine-tic
My doctor told me I should be on a staple diet. I told him I don't think I can digest metal and walked out.
It's almost as if they don't know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I once borrowed a pro-life campaigner's laptop. The desktop was filled with accidentally-created New Folder icons.
Greek mythology in 3 words Zeus got horny
what do you call 6 hwy workers and 6 lesbians on the side of the road? a dozen people that don't do dick.
What's black white red all over and can't go through a revolving door A nun with a spear through her
How many telemarkers does it take to change a light bulb? 3. One to change the bulb and two to talk about how beautiful the turns were.
what has more brains than kurt Cobain? the wall behind him
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Horrible joke Getting screwed over by a ex is like learning that your crabs got herpes
I ride a dog to work... The commute's a bitch!
What did the spoon say when he caught his knife cheating on him? Get the fork outta here!
So I said to Rhianna, "what is it Chris Brown does that 's so attractive?", and she said,... "Beats me!".
What would you get if Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson all died in a plane crash? Take your time, there's no Rush...
How do you say hi to a Muslim in Hawaii? Aloha Akbar.
How do you outsmart a chicken? By thinking outside the bawks.
I'm developing a fear of German sausages... I fear the wurst!
I like my coffee the way a cannibal likes his women. Boiled in a pot.
A husband says to his wife... "What would you do if I won the lottery?". She replied "I'd take half, then leave you." "Excellent!", he retorted, "I won 12, here's 6, now fuck off".
Me: I'm updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport? Him: You didn't bowl. You kept score. Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Why did the bike fall over? Because it was two tired.
Apple made an app for their watch, called i-Bro, which lets you connect to all your homies Feminists were upset they didn't name an app similarly for women.
If you are considering decorating your car for Christmas, please seek immediate mental help.
TIL that 3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.
What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load into it. #bigsorry
Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
The cast of "Game of Thrones" had a very special visitor  Queen Elizabeth. A lot of the Royals on "Game of Thrones" get offed. It leads me to believe this visit was arranged by Prince Charles.
They say there's safety in numbers But it won't really matter if she swallows the sperm, will it?
What's a Jews favorite beer? Bud Light L'Chaim (Pronounced like Lime, guys)
[Hospital] Me:How's my dad? Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition *shout from inside room "You've never lived to up to your potential!"
What noise does a witch make when she's flyin around? BROOM BROOM BROOOOOOOM
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.. A fake name and a fake number.
If a girl says vulgarities Is she called vulgirl?
Do you know how I got out of Persia? Iran.
Geez guys Not all Muslims are ISIS... Some are Al-Qaaeda or Taliban.
A one-liner a came up with. I recently bought a superconducting electric heater... I was not impressed!
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. Knock, knock.... Who's there? The chicken.
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walks into a bar. He sits down and has a drink.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge? A: In case she wanted black coffee.
If Helen Keller was a pokemon.. ..she'd be a Mewtwo.
When people say let's stop fighting and act like a family, that's where I get confused.
So I tried to watch a porno featuring Donald Trump... but I couldn't get off, because he changed positions too often.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Oh my god honey, what happened?" "I reposted the same goddamn joke too many times."
-currently looking for an adult -Realizing I'm an adult -Now looking for an older adult -Someone successful at adulting -An adultier adult
What else was the man with two penises thankful for? Being ambidextrous.
Me: Hello, is it me you're looking for? Her: no Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you're looking for?
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I'm not committed to it actually happening.
You know what gets me about karma whores?
I just read a great joke about how women always change their mind nvm it's not that good.
Q: What cows give each other when they meet? A: A milkshake.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I'm kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
A woman is doing the dishes when the front door opens... ...and in walks Nicholas Cage.
Who picks up the guide dog's shit No one since they turn a blind eye.
What Does A Redneck Call It When He Visits His Cousin Outside His Town? Entering the friend zone.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.
What are the bouncers called at a gay bar? Flamethrowers.
What does a walrus and tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
A started a blog about ADHD... ...it's going to have recipes and I went to the Alamo.
if you haven't been called a racist on the internet you haven't been using the internet
Still puzzled on how "Colonel" has gotten away with being spelled like that for so long.
Please comment Apparently that's how the real jokes are made.
I've never been offered money for sex. Never been offered money to not have sex either. So there's that.
A Pomeranian walks into a pomegranate convention, takes a second look at the flier and walks away disappointed.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? The wife always blows the bonus.
A Maritimer in a bar once asked me if I had ever tried Moosehead. I said "No, but I've had some pretty grizzly pussy in my day."
Hillary Clinton is going to be the first f president... ... Oops, I meant to say female but someone deleted the emale
What does Mr. Kipling do in his spare time? Pumps cream into tarts.
Christian pop music? You mean holy shit?
If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you're taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure
Who decided smiling would be the default expression for pictures?
What's the worst way to convince an officer who's pulled you over not to ticket you? "You can have my beer if you let me go."
Did you hear about that guy who was in an accident and lost his left-side? Don't worry. He's all right now.
What's the witches favourite pop group ? Broomski Beat !
There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time 
I've decided to get a couple tattoos. On my right knee I'm going to get "Disney." And on my left... dat-knee.
The description is hilarious! The title is deeply misinformed.
Why do hipsters love 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'? because it was the first Indie film.
English man reaches for his wallet to pay hooker.... She replies "oh, so you want me to pound you?"
There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang... This joke has been removed. Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea. To desire more is greed.
Why do people go to bed? Because the bed won't come to them.
Did you hear about the guy from Parks &amp; Rec who crashed his plane? It was comic Aziz.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
A horse is getting brushed by his owner, The horse is like "You my mane man".
What does one dog say to the other when he just broke up with his girl friend? Go and retrieve her!
When I first met my boyfriend, he told me he shared something in common with the KKK... He was right, that man is a wizard under the sheets.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho-path.
In Russia, if you're blue, and you don't where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits: Putin on the Ritz
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
What is the difference between a banana and a bell? You can only peel (peal) the banana once.
What do you call your creepy Jewish neighbor? Diddler on the roof.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
A new study has proven... A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
What's the difference between the cries of a grieving family and reggae music? I would feel awkward dancing to reggae music.
What's pink, bubbling and tapping on glass? a baby in a microwave.
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? He's Married
So, a neckbeard walks into a bar... Just kidding! They don't even leave the basement!
Why shouldn't you get asylum in Russia? Cuz you'd be snowed-in
Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche
Joke stolen from West Wing Why do they eat only one egg at breakfast in France? Because one egg is *un uf*.
A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park! 1) Park somewhere else.
People tell me my humour is offbeat but they get weirded out if you walk around with a metronome.
How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? Read the label.
Excuse me -are you a psychic hooker? **cuz you just blew my mind.** *full credit: gavin mcginnes via streetboners blog from about 5 years ago.*
I moisturize my hands with KY gel... ...that way everybody gets a warm welcome.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
they say running is addictive, that's why i don't do it, i'm afraid i'll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.
Scientists created the first white laser. They were fired for racism and hate speech.
A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes.. The government.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights... I bet he's pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
What do you call a person who uses multiple accounts to upvote their own memes? Unidank
What do Baptists and cats have in common? You know they're doing it, you just can't catch them at it.
How many A.D.D kids does it take to change a lightbulb? WANNA RIDE BIKES?
Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to  screw in a light bulb? A: Uh...standby I'll check on that.
Everything is made in China, except for babies, they're made in VaChina!
An MIT grad, a Harvard alum and a teenager that just got released from juvenile hall are all working at a Starbucks. ...
I want to make a joke about Mexicans... ... but I don't want to cross the border.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.
[buying a wood chipper] ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in? SALESMAN: What? ME: What?
[the boss walks by my desk and catches me looking at sonic anime] Me: the hackers are at it again. I was trying to visit church. com
Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy's cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.
So I hear Trump wants to ban shredded cheese. Says he's going to make America grate again.
*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks* What do you want? Him-Whatever you want. Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*
What can a goose do, that a duck can't, that a lawyer should ? Stick his bill up his ass.
Why do /r/Planetside moderators dislike the Death Star II? It's a trap.
What is Zoolander's least favourite sport? Nascar If you can even call it a sport.
Why aren't PhDs real doctors? Because real doctors have cures.
You wanna know about hippie sex? It's in tents.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Shhh don't talk, I'm imagining you smart.
I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account... ...so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
Customer: "Hi I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?"
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?
I saw this incredible color in a dream, But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but I don't know how they'd get in there.
Friends are like balloons... If you stab them, they die
My wife was pissed when I slept through a burglary last night We got caught, and I woke up during mug shots.
"I'd hit that!" -- me gazing at rock bottom
Why are horses never overweight? They're on a stable diet.
What do you call a bell wearing a tutu ? A bellerina !
Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.
I was the beast man at my sister's wedding, and there isn't a day goes by that I don't wish that that was a typo.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he's creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
You hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.
Relationship Status: Very relieved towels can't get pregnant.
I think my grandmother has been spying on me in my bedroom. She told me I have a lot of spunk!
Why do Jew's love jokes? Because they don't have to pay for them.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
I thought the big NYC ball was mechanically operated but I guess not. I heard Mariah Carey dropped it last night during her performance.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Stevie Wonder has seven kids But I heard he never sees them.
When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
What kind of bikes do girls ride? Menstrual Cycles (I'm 99% sure I made this up!)
Don't ever believe anything an atom says. They make up everything.
Working on a new type of martial arts that involves taking money from Hispanics.. called TakeJuan'sDough.
What do you call a place showcasing gay people in their natural environment? A queerium
My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me She is not a fan.
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. very nice, but i think they misunderstood when I said I wanna  watch!
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.
How many Highlanders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.
That's the last time Shang Tsung accompanies my family to the fish restaurant.... He spent all night trying to steal my brother's sole!
*Lady gives balloon to my son* ME: What do u say? SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you
If you think vests come in 2 different styles Bullet proof and suicide, you may be muslim
Shout out to plants for being independent niggas grinding 24/7 for their own food and putting on for the team by helping everyone breathe
I would never tell a rape joke It would be too forced
What happens when you drink food colouring? You dye a little on the inside.
What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever
I can't wait to try Alton Towers newest ride The Air Ambulance.
Poker? I barely know her!
How does a one-legged Chinese man walk? He takes a great leap forward.
I think the real reason men don't lactate is because we would just be irresponsible and squirt each other with it.
wife: can you stop messing around lawyer: im not wife: just read my husband's will please lawyer: that's what it says.. "oOoOoh im a ghost"
Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
this is ironic apparently Joan of arc loved a good barbecue.
Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.
What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog  asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa.
Why are jewish people's noses so big Because air is free
if you can cow boy lasso something inside a store and pull it outside to where you are you get it for free
There was a huge accident on the freeway today involving two Astro Vans filled with Mexican families... ... Over 100 people were involved in the accident...
People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it
What does a black person get for Christmas? Your bike.
How many /r/Jokes users does it take to make a Joke? WRONG! They don't make it, they steal it...
It's funny how women change. I never really noticed it until I set up my webcam in Topshop.
Sex with my boyfriend is like Ebay's customer support. I keep hearing please wait one more minute, and I just want the whole thing to be over with.
A friend was showing me around his house... Friend: "So this is our master bed room..." Me: "...You guys have a masturbate room?"
[first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* "Would you like a mint?" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* "Dammit"
The sun is a star. So technically it's night all the time.
Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from jail? Headline read: Small Medium at Large
My friend owns a zoo... My friend owns a zoo but the only animal is a tiny dog... Its a Shitzu
Knock knock (Your turn)
How many guys in the friend zone does it take to light a light bulb? None, they just stand around complimenting it, and get mad when it won't screw.
When a man opens a car door for his wife it's either a new car or a new wife
Priest and a Rabbi ... A Priest and a Rabbi are walking by a school yard, the Priest says to the Rabbi, "I'd sure like to fuck those kids!" the Rabbi replies "Out of what?"
Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet? Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.
The only time I've ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
How does a butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? Nobody will pay money to watch a lentil.
Why can't Michael Jackson drive backwards in a car? Cause he's dead.
This post will give you wings... because you just read bull.
What did the boy monkey say to the girl monkey? You're a prime mate!
What does a Kentucky girl scream while she is having sex? Get off me Pa, you is crushing my cigarettes!
A man gets pulled over, the officer says to him "How high are you?" The man replies, "No officer it's 'hi, how are you?'"
Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer.
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts? He found his lack of Faith disturbing.
How long is a china-man? Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a china man.
Back in the day I was attracted to this chick but never had enough guts to ask her out but after witnessing first hand the drama she creates on Facebook I am glad I dodged that bullet.
Dark humour It's like a child with cancer.... It never gets old.
How can a vegetarian satisfy himself in a non vegetarian Indian restaurant? Naan
An ad at the zoo: Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home
I'm going to change my name to Sparta so when I get introduced to people they can say "This is Sparta."
A broom only likes one brand of comedy. Dustpan.
So I got the new Note 7 and I don't see what the fuss is about exploding? Everything is going fi
2 introverts walk into a bar, one says to the other...
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase "I always give 110%", so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
*reads own tweet* Haha, so relatable
Where do you find a five year old with no legs? Exactly where you left him
What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Damn girl, are you a hoover? Cuz dam
Did you hear that Russia considers US intervention in Syria illegal? They even wrote a song about it... "Crimea River"
I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places. It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours
Going to open a used car dealership & employ only super cute girls who will cry until you buy something
Why is a raven like a writing desk? Because there is a "b" in both and an 'n' in neither.
Did you guys hear about the dyslexic man who went to the toga party? They wouldn't let him in because he showed up dressed as a goat.
What is an octopus? An eight-sided cat.
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
I just used the messiest urinal... If you ever see the model "Dyson Airblade" just go use a regular toilet. If you'll excuse me, I need a shower.
Why did Jesus get all the ladies? Because he was hung like this (extends arms to sides)
My school principal is also a mechanic When I asked him about my shaky car, he said it was grounds for suspension.
I ran into a racist Jamaican on Halloween, I went into a gas station wearing an Obama mask, he said no mosques allowed.
What did Hitler say to the student that got a question wrong? That is Nazi answer.
Lightbulbs in Magaluf What type of lightbulbs go clubbing in Magaluf*? LEDs (*Note for any US viewers Magaluf is a popular destination in Spain for Brits that go on massive drinking/clubbing holidays)
My girlfriend just texted me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative Anybody know what ternative means?
So, two muffins are sitting in an oven.... So two muffins are sitting in an oven and one says to the other, "Man, its hot in here." The other muffin replied, "OH MY GOSH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
You've heard about the moron pilot who once made a tricky landing, haven't you?It was the shortest runway he'd ever seen. And the widest, too.
Why are trigonometric functions always women? Because they have periods!
Considering "natural" childbirth? You wouldn't have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If twitter isn't a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
What type of store doesn't move? A stationary store.
What's the difference between a thief and a peeping Tom? Well, a thief snatches watches...
What do you call a horny Donald Trump? President-Erect
Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.
How about how some people are SO gothed out but still drive a Ford Focus and shit?! Make your vehicle goth or you ain't shit.
So I heard Rolf Harris got 5 years, 9 months... His favourite
Penguins are scientist by nature... They always have to improve their slides !
What do free masons do when they want to make a frame-by-frame remake of "Back to the Future"? They Hire 'Em A Biff!
Why do Black People hate country music? Because when they hear "Hoe Down" they think their sister got shot.
I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don't see me.
/r/Jokes was starting to get flooded by good original jokes ... Edit: I know the mods hate the punchline in the title, my bad
Why do fat chicks give good head? Because they have to
Got caught smelling my sisters underwear yesterday. Made the rest of her funeral very fucking awkward.
Do you know why I stopped playing Uno with my Mexican friends? They steal all the green cards.
A man goes to see a psychologist wear only plastic wrap on his whole body The psychologist says well I can see your nuts
please sir. i beg of you. don't take away my job. i've got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it's tuscan
Whats your favorite pickup line? Mine is: I'll give you candy if you get in the van
What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm? biting an apple and finding half a worm
Fastest readers in history. The fastest readers in history were 9-11 jumpers. They went threw 114 stories in 7 seconds
A leading rabbi has ruled that marijuana is kosher Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...
There are three kinds of people The ones that can count, and the ones that can't.
A Jamaican went to the barber. It was a dreadful experience.
The church apparently thinks that gay and lesbian people laying with one another is unnatural. As opposed to walking on water.
Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight? Me: Yea! Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is. Me: But I thought-? Mind: Don't worry, it can fly.
My dick hangs off to the left a bit. I guess you could say that it's a tiny bit cockeyed.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
2 Scientists walk into a bar, one asks for H20 and the other asks for H20 too. The other scientist dies.
What do you call a female pilot's vagina? A cock pit.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? Give the bitch a shovel.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a Vagina? A vagina is attatched to Bill Clintons wife
High School French In high school, I was in the French Club. All we would ever do is surrender to the German Club.
I can only say nine English words. Well, shit.
I have two kids, five and seven Silly names I know.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he's shrunk
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hairline!
I have a Polish friend who does microphone tests for bands. I have a Czech one two. Czech one two. Czech one two.
I heard Baja Fresh has a new burrito called the Ravens. It has everything on it but Rice.
Why are woman's feet always so cold in bed? Because they have no soles. Joke my fiancee just said to me.
What's the second fastest thing in the world? &gt; Your asshole pinching shut after dropping a deuce. What's *the* fastest thing in the world? &gt; The ice-cold drop of water that gets in first.
How can you tell if a hippie has been in your house? ...he's still there
It's a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.
Do you never want the party to end? Now, it doesn't have to! Introducing, DRUGS.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say "I'm not actually a Nazi"
Philosophy is a game with objectives but no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules but no objectives.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate food before it was cool
How do you get past trespassing laws? (Original Joke) Only cross in groups of two
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the Chinese newspaper. Get it?
My wife came from the country... and hit every branch on the way down.
It's hard to imagine someone getting any pleasure from beastiality... but that doesn't stop me from trying.
I'm good at 2 things: interviews and first dates... Turns out they're a bit alike. One gets me a job that blows, the other gets me a blowjob.
What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear? He kilt himself
What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive. 
Of course most gay men dress well... they spent more than enough time in the closet!
Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: What sort of answer did you have in mind ? A: None-just assume it's changed.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records. Edit: made it to the hot page, my dad would be so proud, if only he knew who i was
My first day in prison &amp; my giant cell-mate wants to play house. He asks me if I want to be Mama or Papa. I tell him I'll be Papa. "Ok Papa. Now get over here and suck Mama's dick."
What does a fat girl desire but already have? A ten chin
Breaking news: We can all tell Kanye something Because we're still waiting for him to get his money right
Lifehack: put on sunscreen before work, you trick your senses into believing you're in for a day of fun instead of soul-crushing mediocrity.
After many years I've realized I'm allergic to beer. It causes me to break out in places. Places I have no idea how to get home from.
If CON is the opposite of PRO is  congress the opposite of progress?
Shit's Creek is actually quite lovely when you bring paddles.
What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair Virgin Mobile Stolen from r/christianity
You're a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken's done.
What does a sperm cell have in common with a lawyer? Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
"Are you chewing, boy?" said the teacher "This is the worst blowjob I've had all day"
Little Jack Warner Sat in the corner A finger in every pie. He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a bung And said "Lets all go to Dubai!"
What is the worlds friendliest aircraft? A hellocopter!
How does Tinkerbell pleasure herself? She hides inside a flower and waits for a butterfly to extend its proboscis.
Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
TIFU by reading a TIFU I forgot they're always horrible. Tl;dr: TIFU = bad
What happened when the shoe factory burned down? 500 soles were lost.
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning." "Thank you very much, sir."
What are the Fine Brothers favorite elements? The noble gases because they don't react
What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest? A clam bake edit: You guys are ridiculous, thanks for the steady stream of laughs
I don't understand bow ties. What, is your neck a gift?
What is the most useful thing in the French Army? A rearview mirror, so that they can see the war!
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you'll never know.
My brother's now ok with me calling him retarded. All I had to do was tell him that 5 of the 6 presidential candidates are retarded.
What's the difference between Ann Coulter and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
Why does Iraq have no Walmarts? Because there's a Target on every corner.
Why did the chicken marry the crocodile? Because Croc-a-doodle-doo is a good family name.
If we've gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you've swam through my pee
Officer: Soldier do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No SIR!
Grinch? Scrooge? Why don't you just come out and say 'Jew'.
A girl from the recruitment agency called. She said, "Sir, I have three openings for you." I said, "I know." She hung up.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. I don't know what they did up there, but they came back with a daughter.
I got arrested for running out of gas on the highway. I told the cop I was on E.
I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk.
So I Went to the doctor And he told me to quit masturbating. I said "whys that?" He said "Because you're in my office"
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye's doorstep*
*on time travel bus* oh you're going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour '98 t shirt*
THIS GIRL IS WEARING PINK CAMOUFLAGE WHERE ARE THERE PINK FORESTS
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? We better get some support before they think we're nuts!
The New York Yankees Officially Sign Adrian Peterson They needed a good switch hitter.
My first job was a dishwasher at the National Radar Company Turns out the dishes were a lot larger than I first thought
Monica Lewinsky isn't voting for Hillary. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
Hey check out this new candle I got. -Sweet. What flavor is it? I think you mean 'what scent is it?' *with a mouthful of candle wax* -What?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody's son died better
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to "THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!"
LOWERCASE IS FOR THE LOWER CLASS That is an example of a capitalist.
If Im being racist, feel free to call me racist...[NSFW] If Im not, you can fuck right off you immigrant cunt.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib!
I saw a sign yesterday that said "watch for children" I thought it was a good trade
Yoda, are we on the right course? Off course, we are.
A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot
Where do country music artists become country music greats? The obituaries
*taps on a super old dude's oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
How do you make stupid children? I don't know, ask your parents.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up. Stay strong! Think of the cat. He'll eat you if you die.
Have you ever heard about the man who wrote the funniest joke in world? I bet you haven't; he died laughing.
How to: Wake up a black guy Guy next to him and say "I got KFC"
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look. I'm not sure if I'm flattered or insulted.
Just built a kite that'll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Why did the black Classic major think Oedipus was black? Cause he thought "casta" was Greek for "moms".
Who should of gotten asphalt? Cleopatra.
WIFE: omg the FBI ME: thats just female body inspectors W: why are they here M: probably all those female bodies we buried W: o yah lol
[wife yelling in waterpark] "BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR" [top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT'll BE FASTER
What does Dracula say to his victims?  It's been nice gnawing you.
I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig's wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this? A Joke?"
Was just complaining about Mondays. Then I thought, "Wow. David Lee Roth would never do that." So I shut up & finished my breakfast.
Rihanna's restraining order against Chris Brown says he cannot "harass or annoy" her. I want one of those against everyone ever.
If I could time travel, I'd make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Eating a meal on an airplane makes me feel like a Tyrannosaurus rex who has to operate on a baby.
"Hey babe, you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking.
I give myself an excuse for watching porn. By pretending I'm watching "How it's made: Babies" on youtube.
What do catholic priests and McDonalds workers have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
What do you get if you cross a rethorical question and a joke?
Unraveling iPod earbuds in less than 10 minutes qualifies you to perform surgery in most 3rd world countries.
I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
Knock Knock? Who's there? Eat map. Eat map who? NO THANKS!
How do you get a black man out of a tree? Cut the rope.
A bigoted lumberjack controversially said "All trees are only fit for furniture." He was accused of mahogany. ^^^^Never ^^^^saw ^^^^this ^^^^before, ^^^^does ^^^^it ^^^^make ^^^^it ^^^^OC
Why do frat bros hate fruit loops? They're eternally disappointed by two-can Sam.
Drunk scientists pour wine on superconductors and make an incredible discovery... He was later arrested for drunk deriving...
Why do Japanese people love mechs so much? Because of all the metal in their brains.
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass? Beer X-post from /r/imsmartandthisisfunny
I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? that's not funny! &gt;:(
I don't understand why women programmers are mad when male programmers objectify their body.... After all, it is object oriented programming.
What do you call three crows? A crowd.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke's on them because I'm not even trying.
Why did the Indian not show up for work? He was Sikh.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $40 to watch a garbanzo bean..
I went into a bar and ordered a Bin Laden Two shots and splash of water.
[Commercial for lawnmowers] [Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden] *Stabs a long sword into the grass* "There has to be a better way"
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza? Little Ceasars
Why should you never go down on a girl the morning after sex? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Who's the founder of the Japanese Wikipedia? Yojimbo Wales! (Joke stolen from co-worker)
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 50 pounds.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather But not like the rest of this joke, getting beaten like a dead horse
I asked God whether or not to open a brothel He replied "build it and they will come".
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Pavlov walks into a bar and hears a loud bell. "Oh shit," he exclaims. "I forgot to feed my dogs."
I poured spot remover on my dog Now he's gone
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Your "COEXIST" sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
First dirty joke my dad told me, it's about 30 years old and I still tell it. What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bathtub? The lady in church has hope in her soul.
An American in France... An American in France limps into a doctor's office. The doctor runs over to the patient and asks, "What happened!?" The American responds, "Ei ffel".
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
Cheesy Joke If you're gonna make a cheesy joke, Cheddar make it Gouda.
Are you a whore? Because you are priceless to me.
What do you call a magic owel? Hoo-Dini!
Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they're so cute. Me: These ugly Sketchers I'm wearing have insides made out of memory foam.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Black
[NSFW] What goes between boobs, and gets longer the more you pull on it? A seatbelt
Two prostitutes are discussing One asks the other: -What did you ask to Santa Claus this year? The other one answers: -Oh fifty dollars, like everybody else, why?
What's a French person's favorite video game system? The Wii! (Oui)
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :)
What did the kid ask the Pirate? Kid asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" Pirate replies, "They're under my Buccan Hat!"
"Good morning, this is your pilot speaking" ... "AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING" ... "and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing"
Q: Why is the most intelligent part of your body so intelligent? A: Because it nose.
I quit a job re-writing pre-classical Greek literature into braille. This was months ago. It feels like ancient history.
What do you call the hair between grandma's breasts? Her pussy.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell "FORE" before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My wife said i couldnt make a car out of spaghetti... should have seen her face when i drove pasta
You don't fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
What is the best thing about elevator jokes... They work on so many levels.
You say "save the date", I hear "more time to come up with an excuse of why I'm not going."
How do you describe a boring, Asian, black and white film? Anti-chromactic
What do you call a mexican who lost his car? Carlos
Some girls will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same cheating guy a millions times...
I tried to register under the username "v1rg1nity"... ...but it's already taken.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet? Wait until he's finished.
Just been informed the man who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
Who was Bin Laden's favorite rapper? TWOOO PLANES!!
Heard of The Gay Martini? they're pretty strong. You drink just one and you can't see straight.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
Did you hear about the dyslexic occultist? He sold his soul to Santa.
Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive
There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science 0: Naming things 1: Cache invalidation 2: Off by one errors
Did you here that Donald Trump wants to ban canned parmesan cheese? He wants to make America grate again.
"Hey Siri, what's your favorite 'Friends' quote?" "I'm very bendy"
Did you hear the new Whitney Houston album? It didn't make much of a splash.
15000 CCTV Cameras are being installed in Delhi for Obama's visit just because he is black it does not mean that he will steal anything. bloody racists !
What are a fedora tipper's three favorite pokemon? M'chop M'choke M'champ
Coworker: Are those Chinos? Me: No. These are my pants. Coworker... Me: Who steals pants?
How does a whore relieve herself? She prosti-toots!
Why did the circle stop arguing with the two intersecting lines? Because they had a point
Being an ugly girl is like being a man......you have to work
Play on word jokes I love telling play on word jokes in care homes so if you have any jokes with plays on word please email them to me so I can add to my website.
A Cambodian, a Vietnamese, a Laotian, a Malaysian and a Burmese walk into a bar The barman refuses to serve them because they don't have any Thais
My mom's MILFshake brings all the boys to the I can't even stomach this joke.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? Nobody pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.
I'm convinced some of you are here because someone didn't properly lock your cage.
What do you call a funny hill? Hilarious ... My little sister told me this and I wasn't expecting it at all. :|
What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net.
What is the Asian firefighter's favorite song? The Sound of Sirens
What did the Grateful Dead fan say when he ran out of pot? What's that noise?
The Reddit team fired Victoria without telling anyone why. I guess you could say it is Victoria's Secret
Man On Bus Asked Me, "Why Looking So Crabby This Morning?" I Just Found Out I Have Cancer...
Coming up short like.... ...a midget laying prone I'll be here all day posting jokes
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
What's the difference between Reddit and 9Gag? About 5 seconds.
I'm suffering from a more rare kind of stomach ache. It's called Indiegestion, I doubt you've heard of it before.
Blind jokes? didn't see that coming..
Some dude just asked if I was "herb friendly". I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn't have thyme to discuss it.
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
Why is Santa always so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls are.
Did you hear about the new British period drama? They're calling it Bloody Hell.
WINDOWS 10 because SEVEN EIGHT NINE! That's all.
My niece just asked for "cow juice." So adorable!!! I gave her a styrofoam tray of hamburger blood.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!
bad scary film I was watching a really poorly done scary movie last night, it was horrorble.
Why does Donald Trump always seem upset? Because it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Coconut water: for people who love the taste of piss but don't wanna deal with the social stigma of drinking it.
*Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.
Why cant we interpret what frogs are saying? They only speak in Morse-toad!
How do you make a strawberry shake? You put it in the freezer.
How do you make a cat go "woof"? Douse it with petrol and toss a lit match. WOOF!
Any joke can be a one liner ^^^^^^^if ^^^^^^^you ^^^^^^^write ^^^^^^^small ^^^^^^^enough.
How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter, mine itches so bad it's on fire, providing plenty of light for everyone in the room!
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he's gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don't even want to understand what he's talking about.
[OC] So did you hear about that harbour in Brazil that was infested with birds? I guess you could call it a Port-o-Geese.
All the toys under the tree Have now gone completely missing You've been hit by You've been struck by Reverse Santa Claus
Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares the hell out of the dog.
Just like every year, this April 1st will mark a day were people around the world fall for silly fibs and wildly embellished stories. Then they will fall for April Fools jokes.
Why did Sony pull "The Interview" ? They were afraid it would bomb at the movie theaters
What was the console gamer's New Years Resolution? 1280x720
I have a pet dog who can speak. Today I walked in to my house, and he was right there waiting for me. I asked him, "Hai Buddy, How was your day ?" And he goes: " rrrrRough "
You know what else is crazy? *googles synonyms for crazy*
Bungee Two friends watching Bungee Jumping. 1st friend: Do u wanna try? 2nd friend: No way! I was born bcoz a rubber broke... Don't want to die for the same reason!!!
*jerks off to a picture of a good personality*
Did you hear that the Department of Agriculture is outlawing round bales of hay? They claimed the cows weren't getting a square meal.
Which composer do lumberjacks prefer to listen to? Chopin
[OC] Why did Pavlov ring a bell every time a breeze entered his room? Air Conditioning
I decided to tell a gay joke but.... I decided to tell a gay joke but then I saw you walk into the room and I decided not to. You're always the butt end of the joke.
"are you a programmer?" not really. me is more of an amateur grammar
What do Kim Kardashian, and my girlfriend have in common? They're both made up.
So I had to call the urologist's office today.... They told me to please hold :(
I already won the lottery. I'm a white male born in the USA.
What do you get when you hold a mothball in your left hand and a mothball in your right hand? A rather excited moth
What's the difference between Ben Roethlisberger and a therapist? There's a space between the E and the R
I've recently started to play Dark Souls III It only took me 2 hours to beat the torturial.
Alcohol is our worst enemy Good thing Jesus taught us all to love our enemies.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Just kidding. I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you? Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.
What do you call a iPhone 6S when its out of memory? Successful. *if u dont get the joke, successful = six-es-ful*
My Girlfriend says if this gets 100 votes, We'll try anal. For God's sake, DON'T FUCKING VOTE! Her dildo is terrifying!
In the Men's Room, I hate pooping next to others... funny because i enjoy being amongst my peers.
Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Why did the Portuguese guy take Xanax? Hispanic attacks.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Did you hear about the drug that cures lesbianism? It's called TrisedixagenTM And for men, try IgnordacocTM
Why was Tigger's head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
Why can't girls count to 70? 'Cause 69's a mouthful!
You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
Why did the little boy throw the linen off the bed when he saw a ghost? He was scared sheetless.
What would you call a set of old school rapper emojis? Em-OGs
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar... What a fine example of an integrated community. ^(Credit: Bernard Righton/John Thomson)
What do you call a woman who rents out hot dogs? Lisa Frank
Tickets for the wheelchair races are selling out...seats are going fast!
What does a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue have in common? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
I can't wait to find out what new undeleteable apps that I don't want will be on the new iPhone.
Why did the chicken cross the road? I was telling jokes on his side.
I made a list on how to do an impersonation of Victor Meldrew a) Don't b) Leave it
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent. Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.
I don't always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
My sex life has improved so much I'm thinking of asking someone else to join me...
what do you call kayne west at a mexican barbecue? Kanye asada.
Your check a$$hole light is on.
How is the Middle East not leading the world in wind energy... ... they have almost one turban per person.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet? Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more
There are two cavemen sitting by a fire... [OC] One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, "You like beetles?" and his friend says, "No, *CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy."
Confucius say... man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.
Two heads aren't better than one if you're both stupid.
How does a vagina tell time? With a twatch
So Hillary Clinton recently said half of Tump's supporters are a "Basket of deplorables". Next Trump will respond saying: "Half of Hillary's supporters are deportables"
What did Shakespeare say when Mr. Big proposed to him? "Noth"
How do you know a wood pieces history? You check its logbook
.@Garfield because of your "cartoon" I fed my beloved Mr. Turtle lasagna & coffee for his birthday & he died. I will fuck your soul.
" What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? snowballs
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life's face to find she has deflated in the night.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? I'm bigger than you!
Why did princess Diana cross the road? Because she forgot her seatbelt.
I think Taylor Swift might actually just be an instagram filter
Polishing my shoes I was walking downtown when I saw a black man carrying a tv set, and it looked just like mine. So I ran back home and to my relief mine was still there polishing my shoes.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Fillipe F'Lop
Why is leather armor best for sneaking? It's literally made of hide.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Celery ! Celery who ? Celery me you lunch will you I'm hungry !
I'm not saying my mates wife is fat or anything but in February she starts working in Ibiza Selling shade.
I was on a date other day when the girl said she wanted to start a long distance relationship using semaphore. Raised a couple of red flags...
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
My girlfriend is like my will to live Nonexistent.
What do you call black vegetables? Collard greens
I tried putting my cat on a diet once, but she's still fat... I guess it just didn't work out
A truamatizing joke for a single mother to tell their child(ren) "You look like your father, whoever he is."
If a Rabbit Foot is considered good luck, then a Camel Toe should be considered amazing luck!
I'd like to make a toast... Someone get me some bread and butter
My Favorite Anti Why was the Black Jew mad? He had to sit at the back of the gas chamber.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot? Friend: Sure. Me: Friend: Why aren't you moving? Me: Updating software.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
What's the biggest joke of all time? My life. My entire goddamned life.
What does the base-jumping gardener say? GERANIUM!
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we're partners in crime.
If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends  they might not give you a chance to change your mind...
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs? ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Why did hitler kill himself? He saw his gas bill.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? A pardon.
Do seagulls ever wake up in the morning and take a moment to gather their thoughts, or do they just go straight into seagull stuff?
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... ... and doesn't
To best understand men, you need to grasp the following: 1. They think with their pen!s 2. They wanna fix everything 3. They wanna fix everything with their pen!s
My friend and his girlfriend are looking for a girl to have a three-way with... I told him to find someone whose parents are divorced. You want to find a girl who is comfortable ruining relationships.
I was diagnosed with ADHD last week. But my doctor sa
I call my friend the revolving door When it comes to girls, he just can't close
What is it like to eat out an old grandma? Depends.
I can't Colbert it, they were the Stewartship of my news and entertainment.
I've been using medical marijuana for my bladder issues... My doctor told me to piss or get off the pot.
In Iran, everyone's scared of spiders.. But in Iraq, no phobia.
Did you hear about the woman who hotboxed her burqa? She got stoned
My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.
There's nothing like shaving off your beard to remind everybody why your face needed a beard
A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a park watching some kids play. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "Man, I really wanna fuck these kids." The Rabbi replies "Outta what?"
I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
What do I have in common with neutrinos? We are both constantly penetrating your mum.
I had an Irish 7 course meal A potato and a six pack
Two things I hate: This joke, And things that are meta.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"
My 5 yr old son was just imprisoned for skipping naptime He was resisting a rest
#NAME?
Did you hear Aerosmith's new song about chocolate milk? It's called "Sweet Emulsion"
A prince asked a beautiful princess to marry him.. And she said no. The prince lived happily ever after.
Here is a racist joke. How are black people and apples similar? They both look good hanging from trees
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
[NSFW] What do you get when turn three blondes upside down? Two brunettes and a red-head.
Why did the UK's BBFC ban facesitting? They're big fans of teabagging.
What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii? Moo moos
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle* "No no, allow me" *gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Just once, I'd like to wake my girlfriend up with up with oral sex... ...but she never sleeps with her mouth open.
The moon landings looked more realistic than Hillary's rally last week. And those were faked with 1960s technology.
"Kids are picking on me, Mom" I'll teach you how to fight, son. "Yes!" [Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
The best "Ben Dover" type of names you know thread. I just used one of these types of names as a joke earlier and realized I don't know that many of them. I bet reddit knows a lot of them!
What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn't a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I'd be
What has four wheels and flies? My dead grandmother.
While watching Olympic kayaking, I was surprised at how bad the Cuban team was at paddling. Then I realized, That's probably why they're still in Cuba.
How does a man on a moon get his haircut? Eclipse it.
My little old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
How did the Welshman find the sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying.
A blonde walks into a bar
When I steal a sweater it's called theft but when a girl does it, it's a sign of affection
God's Gift Difference between talent and god's gift: A man can give lecture for 2 hrs on any subject. -This is talent. A woman can give lecture for 2 hrs without any subject. -This is god's gift.
One drink, I feel glamorous Two, I get amorous Three, a bit stammerous Anymore than four, I'm on the floor, all drooly and hammerous
2 Dyslexics run into a bank And shout: Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!
When people say things like "You can't change the past" I can't help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding? One less drunk.
Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
"Sorry, that was my bad." "Your bad what?" "No. I'm just sayin': Sorry. My bad." "You're bad at completing an apologetic sentence?" "Yeah"
All I had to do to get back into Twitter was type my credit card number into some web site in Japanese! I'M BACK AMERICA!
My mom yelled at me when I said I have never used a condom. Then I told her it was because I'm a virgin at 24 years old. So, my dad yelled at me instead.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Why do flamingos stand on one leg? Because if they didn't stand on any leg they would fall
Whats Black and Rhymes With Snoop Dr Dre
I was talking to a man today. He told me his name, "**B**ernie **A**llen **D**avies." My **initial** thought was that he was a **BAD** guy!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.
"Did you bring your LIST?" -Everyone who sees Craig at the supermarket, probably
Well they were right. If you shave around it it looks bigger Damn nose..
This is Bob.. Bob has no hands. -*Knock, knock* -Whos there? -Not Bob!
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: "Don't!" Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom: "..." Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD" Edit: Yay top of r/jokes, #lifegoals Also formatting
Why do we drink Tea? because we can't eat it :/ Have a good night/day everyone.
Me: You a good personal trainer? Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am. Me: [through tears] Wow, that's personal. You're hired.
Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting? Me: Yes. I am awesome. Boss.... Me: Write that shit down.
Doubt this is welcome in /r/ShowerThoughts but thought of it there. How many rascist Drink names can we collectively think of? I'll edit the best ones into this post. Mine was "*White Power*-ade".
How to annoy a Redditor? [deleted]
Dyslexics are teople poo!
This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.
You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithberg!
Stephen Hawking's worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
I read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking the other day, and it really scared me! So that's it... Starting today, no more reading.
Have I told you about my vacation to Oklahoma? It went fucking horribly.
FOX new has saved my legs! I got into a terridle car crash and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.
I don't think so, people who are thinking so.
"Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible." -Low-hanging fruit
There are two ways to keep a marriage happy and without quarrel But nobody knows them
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
What did the bear do to be labeled a hipster? He hibernated in the summer.
Why are people afraid to play poker in Africa? Too many Cheetahs.
Where do guys go when they want to get their penis sized and fitted? The Cocktailor.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character's idea, it's really just the author praising their own idea.
I've got my doctorate in palindromes. I'm now addressed as Dr.Awkward
What did the mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother? I've cleaned up and found Jesus.
Math joke My Calculus teacher told me:"Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead." I replied:"Is that why you're teaching Calculus?"
What's a gothic persons blood made of? Emoglobin
What's Iraq's favourite sitcom? Men behaving Baghdadly.
I just flew in from Phoenix... Boy are my arms tired No seriously, I was jacking off the entire plane ride home
Marriage counselor to new patients: Before discussing a couples differences, I first like to hear what they have in common. Husband: Fine. We both hate to suck cock.
One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney  Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned  around and went home.
What kind of bees make milk? BOO-BEES!
Knock knock... Who's there? Eat map. Eat map who? NO THANKS
Betsy Ross: "Let's put some happy little stars in a circle on the flag" Many years later, an heir of hers, Bob, would say something similar
What's black and smells like people? Black People
Why do Jewish men watch porno's backwards? That way they can see the hooker give the money back.
New research suggests that humans are double-minded... No they're not!
[doorbell] 4: *opens door Hi, is your mom home? 4: she's in the tower mom: whispers from behind door "no no no it's SHOWER not tower!"
Well this is a little....... A falcon goes into a restaurant and runs into his ex-girlfriend thats on a date. The falcon says "well, this is Hawk-ward"
Burning Man Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
What do conspiracy nuts do to fall asleep? They count sheeple.
Two eggs were boiling in a pan. The female egg said to the male egg, "Ooh, look, I've got a crack." The male egg replied, "Calm down, I'm not hard yet."
What the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches
What's good on pizza, but not on pussy? crust.
I asked my friend in North Korea how he was doing. He said he can't complain.
So I heard that Paul Walker, actor in Fast and Furious, died at the age of 40 in a car crash. I suppose he had bad *karma*
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"
"We had unprotected sex. Give us a present." -- the subtext of every baby shower
An Irishman walks out of a pub.
My neighbour told me I'd left my lights on. I told her she'd left her big nose on.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Apollo ! Apollo who ? Apollogize !
What did the blind man say when he walked into the fish market? "Hello Ladies"
What do you call a religiously-praised feces? Holy shit!
What do you call blonde girls in a wrapper? Airheads
What's the top selling book of all time in Korea? 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog
Polish Joke anyone? Knock, knock. Who's there? A Polish burgular.
I've been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I'm actually talking to someone.
A tree fell on a family's house and killed everybody. It was rootless.
I can never find my cars keys but I won't forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Why Can't you see the bacteria in milk? Because it gets past-your-eyes (pasteurized)
What do you do after sodomizing a baldy? Just put them back in the craddle.
What do you call a lesbian ice cream sandwich? A Klondyke bar.
What did the cow say about the beef industry? I've got some steak in it.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.
Why would somebody punch a sheep? Ewe wouldn't understand.
I was gonna make a dubstep joke... But I dropped it.
This guy gave me the weridest look when i flushed his urinal for him, It's like people have no concept of manners anymore
God: thou shall not kill Me: but my coworker whistles all day God: still no Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye God: do what you have to
Have you seen my digital boat? Oh wait, its syncing.
Sex is like a box if chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay to have a lentil on my face!
Everyone's talking about how the story with Ahmed and the clock has really blown up... ... but isn't the whole point of the story that the clock never blew up?
How do you catch a steroidal fish? With A-Rod.
As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".
There's no "I" in "denial".
My first dad joke So, early this morning my wife got up and questioned me after I got up early with our son and fed him. Her: Did you get our son sick? Me: Nope, I got him cereal.
How does a redhead shave his pubes? Gingerly
The cancellation of the Golden Girls must have been devastating to the shoulder pad industry.
Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up. The other 30% is just checking the math.
Where in New York City do lesbians most like to live? Manhatin'
What did the band kid say to the other band kid after she found out he was cheating on her? "You double timing son of a bitch!"
What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists  office? An encownter group.
I read the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, it was terrible.
Clean joke about sorority girls Why do sorority girls only travel in odd numbered groups? Because they *can't even*!
I gave my cat a bath the other day... he liked it, but the fur stuck to my tongue.
What did the amazed Kazakhstani say? That's Astana-shing
Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
I think I just made the best dad joke ever. My son Robbie asked how he should get Poe into his X-wing toy. I said Wedge him. I had no one else to tell.
Yo Mama is so fat she had to be baptized at Sea world. (Lionheartyz)
What did Palpatine order in the drive thru? Friiiiiiies
This cab driver has zero clue that ive played crazy taxi extensively and am critiquing his every move
I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships I guess in HD was not the answer she was expecting.
How are a full count in baseball and a mutated 2 time convict the same? They both have 3 balls and 2 strikes.
Don't die a virgin Because there are terrorists waiting for you.
Now..a cheaper way to express your love...-E-cards !
No, I'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks. I can stop at any time I want.
what did one orphan say to the other Robin, get in the batmobile
I married a chinese millionaire Ka Ching
What are the cops gonna do? Unrape you?
3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car. Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you're grunting.
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day? When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.
What did Dr.Dre say to Lil Wayne? Nothing, you idiots! Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in Eminem's basement!
What kinds of birds are raised by only their mothers? Blackbirds
ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that's quite a serious infection you have here. - Me as a Gynaecologist
I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
HER: I'm ending this ME: why? HER: you're way too literal ME: I promise I can change HER: prove it ME: *puts on a different shirt*
"Well, that just isn't gay enough" - the inventor of wrestling, shortly before adding spandex to the mix.
Have you heard the one about the airplane? It's way over your head.
There are two kinds of people in this world Those who finish what they started and
Just found this hillarious joke I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Why'd the chicken cross the road.? [reasons unknown]
What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews? Crews Control.
Where Do Pirates From Kansas Go? AR-Kansas
Who came up with hugs? The very first hug must have been really creepy. "What are you doing? Why are you holding me?" "Just trust me."
You know what's funny? Lots of shit so lighten the fuck up.
One day Facebook, YouTube and Twitter will merge. It will be called YouTwitFace.
I would tell a funny science joke... but all the good ones Argon.
I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don't care.
What do you call an expert in psychedelics? A trip advisor.
How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent
What's the best and worse thing that your wife can possibly tell you? You have the biggest dick in the entire neighborhood.
Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
My neighbour came back home drunk and has been knocking at his door for over 3hours now. But he stays alone, should i go and tell him that he is not around?
You want to know what's the most unrealistic thing from Batman V superman? (not a spoiler) A democratic senator from Kentucky.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Funny that Lebron couldn't even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
What did one orphan say to the other? "Robin, get the bat mobile."
The Harambe memes need to stop It's very de-meme-ing.
Not a fan of APA MLA, however, was love at first cite.
My science teacher taught us about gravity today. It was such a heavy subject to take...
I don't get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Kinda scared for 2015 .. Kinda scared for 2015 because 2+0+1+5 is 8. The exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 6 more nipples.
First they find ice on Mars.. ..now they find water.. ..next they will find Scotch.. ..NASA hell-bent on proving Men are from Mars..
What did the annoyed husband tell his wife after she saw elk falling from the sky? *Sigh* That's not elk... That's just reindeer.
How do you clear out an Iraqi bingo parlour? Call out "B-52"
Official Adrian Peterson Joke Thread Submit your best AP jokes and get upvotes. Easy enough, eh?
What's the difference between a black man and a bench? A bench can support a family of 4.
what is funny and starts with a j a joke
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He's hot. Me: Centaur. H: What? M: Centaur H: Is that his name? M: I want a divorce.
Why don't people in Kuwait know who Obama is? Because they've been living under Iraq.
"I've got chills. They're multiplying." "Sir, you're going into shock. Please stop narrating--" "And I'm losing control." "Sir!"
I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through. One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym.
I find that most women are like roller coasters... They won't let me on them because I'm too fat.
officer it's my son's car "just make it stop sir" I don't know how "can you call him" I'll try *tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me] Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your " boyfriend" and she dial's up Domino's pizza
I like my men like I like mathematics. Hard.
"Opportunity" doesn't always knock the door... Last night she walked in our room when we were in a compromising position. Kids these days!
What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician? A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands.  A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3
Who is the most musical Canadian heroine? Laura C-Chord.
SON: what ya reading? DAD: a huge book on podiatry SON: how long is it? DAD: it's about a foot
There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Another knock knock joke X: Knock knock. Y: Who's there? X: Doctor.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A. Three if you slice them very thinly.
A man spent millions on an impressionist painting then ate it... He put his Monet where his mouth is.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, "YES!"
For me, getting girls is like spreading butter... It's much easier with a knife.
What happened when the Mrs. Smith's truck collided with the Tastykake truck? Pyrex
Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed. Well, looks like he died 17 days after.
I apologize to everyone that I've ever offended. Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I was going to share my joke about cocaine with you But it's only a one liner
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don't eat broccoli.
Pizza is an emotion right?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
I consider myself a dog person I love ass in my face
Why do Italian men grow mustaches? To try to look like their mothers.
From Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" A woman is crying on the street: "HELP! I've been reaped!" "You mean raped?" asked a man. "No! he used a scythe!"
GTA: Online servers
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What what?
The doctor gave me 2 months to live I'll spend them making people think I'm reposting.
What do you say if your peeing in Ireland and spot a leprechaun? Urine luck
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.
(Date) ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue* HER: *giggles* 1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik's cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Why did the bus stop? Because it saw the zebra crossing.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."
EAT becomes FAT If you don't draw the line.
What do you call an Asian who breaks a lot of wind? Fa Ting
I wish we were Irish Daughter: I wish we were Irish, so we could have more fun on St. Patrick's Day Me: Irish you were a Beer
I sometimes like to close my eyes and imagine a world with no poverty and also that my hand is a woman.
How I get my dick to be 12 inches? I cut it in half
I was having dinner with a snowman... The other day I was having dinner with a snowman, and he says "Am I crazy, or does it smell like carrots in here?"
When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper "It's ok I see them too"
Every cigarette that you smoke...... ....... Takes 7 minutes off your student loan debt.
Why did the polish person marry someone from the other side of the country? Because opposite poles attract
It's "aisle" not "isle." If someone's on the "alcohol isle" that means they're in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Scientists have discovered the number one food that kills a woman's sex drive Wedding cake
What kind of underwear does a person wear when buried? Fruit of the tomb
Easter is a sad day for Lance Armstrong He can never seem to find more than one egg
My dick's like Pizza Hut... Kids eat for free.
Smokey said "Only you can prevent Forest fires" That's alot of pressure.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed? Isaac Newton died a virgin.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
"Be patient." - Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse
"Dadd-" "No." "You don't even know what I was going to say!" "You're wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No."
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You can park in the handicap zone.
Hey girls, you are not a "mommy" just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I've realized that when my wife says "what?" its not because she didnt hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said.
what was adam's nickname for eve? prime rib
Whats the difference between Zoidburg and Snowden? both accused of treason for expressing their freedom but Zoidburg didn't get his marshmallows!
You know what's the common thing between iPhone 7 and the board on Titanic? There is no room for Jack
If life begins at conception then I can use the carpool lane for the next few days
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president... ...and 50 for Miss America?
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning...
What's the easiest way to get a little head? The Zika virus.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.... and Michael Jackson liked to molest little boys.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
What kind of flour is independent? Self-Raising flour.. I'll get my coat.
What do you call the procedure that is done when a woman wants to become a man? An Adadictomy
*shuts down road going both ways* Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened. *pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I'm sick of hearing about this World Class chef at Taco Bell. Chefs don't work at Taco Bell. Your weed dealer works at Taco Bell.
If you've seen one shopping centre... You've seen a mall.
A roofer is working on a house and makes a mistake and falls through the ceiling and into the house. One of the guys inside says, "nice of you to drop in."
Guy: There's a suit booked for me at a 5 star hotel. Girl: It's called a 'Suite' Guy: No it's a 'Suit'. I'm a waiter.
I want to ask you out, but I've got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots. And..
I bought my friend a copy of The Lord of the Rings but he didn't seem that pleased. He though it was a Tolkien gesture.
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It's the most adorable massacre in history.
What are they going to use to build the wall? The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.
What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand? You can't gargle sand.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog? Dr.Dre
What do you call a baby pizza with epilepsy? Little Seizures.
I covered myself from head to toe in mirrors today. I don't really know why, maybe I'm just at that age where you do a lot of reflecting...
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin... It might taste the same but that shit just ain't right.
Thank you for telling the definition of "many" to me. It means a lot.
What is a vampires favourite type of ship? A blood vessel.
Had a terrible nightmare last night... I dreamt that I was forced to eat two huge marshmallows. When I woke up this morning, my pillows were gone!
You can tell a lot about a person's personality by the type of car they drive. I haven't got one.
Q: How do you make soup gold? A: You put in fourteen carrots.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
"LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME" - Cleavage
Teacher: did your father help you with your homework? Student: no he did it all by himself
You heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it...
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than three because the basement is still dark! *(Just heard this today, even though I know it's probably old!)*
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? ...I don't pay 100$ to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Why Couldn't Anyone Understand The Mute Mathematician's? They didn't speak sine language.
If you're keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you're losing.
I sing like an amputee I can't hold a note. I can't carry a tune.
If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter.... Jill came down with two fifty.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My 3 moods: 1. I'm too tired for this shit 2. I'm too old for this shit 3. I'm too sober for this shit
My friend said to me, "I'm going to dress up as an island near the bottom of Italy" I said "Don't be so silly."
Knock, knock. Who's there? Madame. Madame who? My damn foot's stuck in door! Open up!
What do you call a masculine Arab? Protein Sheikh
A man is at a job interview Interviewer: it says here you had a 4 year gap in your resume Man: I went to Yale Interviewer: Your hired Man: Wow I finally got a yob
Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males: Nice ass.
Beethoven found that having diarrhoea always helped him compose quicker By midday, he was already on his third movement.
I don't make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.
I'm not sure what gender fluid is... ...but it sounds like it's tough to get out of upholstery.
why didn't Maria go to prom? she had no Juan to go with
When you know it is too cold in Bay Area? When you see the programmer's hands are in their pockets.
Jesus loves you is comforting to hear in church, but terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison.
Whats the difference between acne and the pope? Acne doesn't come on your face till about thirteen.
What gets easier to pick up the more it weighs? Women.
What kind of drink does a ghetto drinks? A GHETTOrade
Heard a good joke about Hillary Clinton's email scandal TOP SECRET
What's the difference between feminism and a $100 bill? A $100 bill makes change
How do you get down from an elephant? You dont. You get down from a duck.
I threw a recyclable item in the trash in case any ladies were looking for a "badboy" type.
"No, don't get up" - how I greet people in wheelchairs.
What musician has the hardest instrument to play? A Tromboner.
Give a man a fish, sickening him with botulism which spreads rapidly, people begin dying in droves, STACKS OF CORPSES BLOT OUT THE SUN.
Me: nice car Friend: yeah 400 horsepower Me: that's like 7000 ducks Friend: what Me: what
Oh, you sent me an event invite on Facebook? We've never met and you live 2,400 miles away, of course I'll go!!
I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
What does an academic call masturbation? His seminal work.
Real confidence I was asked to write an essay of about 300 words on confidence I wrote - "THIS IS REAL CONFIDENCE AND SUBMITTED IT"
You text him, he doesn't text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
What did the mathematician do when he was constipated? He worked it out with a pencil...
State trash talk thread Insult your fellow state
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "Unionize".
When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !
How do you sink a Swedish submarine? Knock on the hatch.
How do you make a baby cry twice? Rub the blood off your dick on his teddy bear
Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff? Because she was wearing mittens.
My life is a constant struggle between wanting people to text me and never wanting to reply to texts.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Clark ! Clark who ? Clark your car in the garage !
I was having trouble starting my Venn Diagram... But now it's all coming together.
What did the leper says to the prostitute? You can keep the tip
Husband : Why are there broken condoms on our couch??? Wife : would you please call our children by their real names?
Why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows!
Which French novelist looked like a scrotum? Balzac
How do birds record their songs ? On duck tape !
Why can't you have two Apple watches? Because then it would be a pair (pear)!
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector... ...The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
"Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name." -Neutral Milk Hotel fans
So a man wins an argument with his wife...
I was dating a girl with a lazy eye... but caught her seeing someone on the side.
[interview] Any questions? "Why isn't Bigfoot called Bigfeet?" No about working here "Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?"
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE Thanks.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's Last Movement.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
During the Oscars "In Memoriam" my dad pointed out a lot of Jewish people had died, I told him it isn't surprising, they do tend to die all at once like that.
Damn girl, are you a haunted house? Because I'm scared to come inside you.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you. Me: TEDDYBEARS Cop: Aww.
If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.
What do you call a girl who only likes guys with big muscles? A Biceptual
What did the kid with no arms and legs get for christmas? ...Nothing, because he was jewish.
Potatoes are high in carbs. 'Baked' potatoes are just high.
How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk !
New Bike Shop A registered sex offender just moved into my neighborhood. He opened up a bicycle shop called Pedal-Feelya.
No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I'd hop on over to Facebook.
My gym bag is so funny. Today it was like "What does the outside of your car trunk look like?" and "What's a gym?"
Yo mama so fat She is overweighted
Masturbation is an excellent skill to have. Done right, it sure comes in handy.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
This girl on tinder was so ugly I swiped left, pay for the undo just so I can swipe left again.
Your momma so fat... Yo momma is so fat when she is playing Pokemon go she can see all pokemons on her cell phone
It is impossible to act naturally right after someone tells you to act naturally.
*DJ drops the beet* ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
When a band has Z's where S's should be in their name, I'm like, "Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren't playing by society's rules."
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years. Didn't even know he was a barber...
How many chicken eggs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Literally dozens.
Why couldn't the wizard get the witch pregnant? He had a hollow-weenie
Two guys are walking down the road and they see a dog licking himself. First guy says, "Boy I sure wish I could do that." Second guy says, "I think you should try to pet him first."
Q: How do you make anti-freeze? A: Take away her blanket.
cannibal clowns Two clowns are eating a dead body. One of the clowns stops and looks to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn't agree with me. [Inside my stomach] Chicken Quesadilla: "The Notebook" was an overrated film.
Did you hear about the girl that backed into an airplane propeller? Disaster
Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn't know they made Sharpies in that color.
What do you calls a life insurance agent ripe with flesh eating bacteria? A lepper-con
Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.
Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get his tiny little legs open?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ] Ahhhh, there it is... Wife: Get off of me!!
What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped prison? A small medium at large.
Hi Africa, it's America. A guy over here just ate 69 hotdogs in 10 minutes! How's everything going with you?
My uncle started shouting at me about my "misuse" of emoticons and had a heart attack ;)
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ? 'Dad dad look what marma-laid' !
Show your neighbor they shouldn't park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My mum likes mixing drinks But I have no idea why she wanted me to put vodka in cider.
Do not reach for the stars. They are hot gas, and will give you bad burns.
The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon enters a bar.
Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he only uses the finest ingredients.
One of My Ex's was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn't workout because all she wanted to do was SWING. I miss third grade.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
After seeing how the Segway owner died, the guy who runs the Shake Weight company must be terrified.
If you find stocking stuffers in stores around Christmas, what do you find around Thanksgiving? Stuffing stockers.
What do you call a cute girl in an Amish church? A visitor.
Instagram is the most pleasant social media site because it's really difficult to take ignorant, racist pictures of dogs & brunch
what do you call a deer without eyes? no eyedeer..
I'm driving through a town called Brosville, Virginia. I bet I know what comes next.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the  road Democrat"? A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Farming isn't for everyone.. But hay, it's in my jeans.
You shouldn't worry about headaches I mean, it's all in your head.
Canadian bird watching is pretty depressing... It's hard to see these birds all aloon.
The defense rests your honor. *camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Donald Trump, This is.. (optional)
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the instructions in once
What does a belt like to do? Getting Waisted
What does a sock taste like? Defeat
Changed Grandma's email signature to "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!"
There was once a cat on Mars But Curiosity killed the cat
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
How do you cure a basic bitch? Give her some acid.
My wife and I weren't really expecting a baby, and then BAM!... One smacks right into the windshield.
My girlfriend told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. [NSFW] So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the nose
What do you call a chicken with lettuce on its eyes? Chicken Ceasar salad.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
You only have one childhood, it may as well last your entire life.
Christmas song for people with synesthesia: do you see what I heeeaarrr
I can't get in and out of a folding lawn chair without looking like a special needs Greco-Roman wrestler.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
What happens when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen? Well, the mess is the same but the annoying jabbering stops.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves..... Free
I'm planning on being more spontaneous in the future
What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor...? Make me one with everything.
Why did the hipster burn his tounge? Because he ate his food before it was cool.
A couple are talking Her: Come over. Him: I'm coming over. Her: We should really stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.
Music Jokes! Jake: What did the Clarinet say to the naughty Trumpet? Sean: What? Jake: Why are you always in treble?
What do you call a poo which still remains after flushing? An **UFO** - **U**nflushable **F**loating **O**bject
TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine. oops wrong sub.
Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
Why does Felix Baumgartner needs parachute.. when Red Bull gives you wings.
Walked into a very expensive restaurant, sat down, was handed a menu. Comic Sans. Got up and left. Life is hard.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
The Trump presidency will be fine... Remember when NWO took over WCW? In the end, it turned out ok too.
Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
I owe my life to Justin Beiber. I was in coma for two years, until one of the nurses played one of his songs on the radio in my room. I had to wake up to turn it off.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
How do you refer to a necessary bear? Pandatory. Stupid, I know.
How are American beer and making love in a canoe the same? They're both fucking close to water.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you're prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? ...Christopher Walken
A long queue of people waiting to be hit in the face This is the punch line
The U.S. will soon have the first first lady that was not born in the U.S. Vladimir Putin
What did the boner say to the olympic swimmer? Dont be so Hard-on yourself the embarassment will only last a few months!
There are 3 types of people in the world... Those who can count and those who can't
I'll never forget my grandad's last words on his deathbed. He said: "I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble..."
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday? Unemployed.
I met this guy who said he was a Mir Space Station cosmonaut. But I thought it was quite an achievement.
[wife in labor] *i press play on cassette {Ice Cube - You Can Do It} Wife:WHAT THE HELL Me: sorry hun *ff to {SaltNPeppa - Push It}
I bought ones of those cds that teach you Spanish in your sleep. Sometime in the night it started skipping, now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Police Chief: There has been a car hi on Seventh Street Police Officer: Don't you mean a hijack? Chief: No, he had an iPhone 7
People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
What do you call a Mexican prostitute that doesn't charge? Frijole.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with a deer? A dill doe.
John Cena would be a great voice actor because we can't see him
In some cultures, it's considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby. I'd be considered proper there. Probably.
No, Groupon. Not even an 89% discount will lure me to "An evening of yoga and rock climbing."
What's it called when a cow kills itself? Mooicide ...Okay, fine, I'll leave...
What do gyms and prisons have in common? They both have ripped assholes
My dating life.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
A fifth Fast and Furious movie? Let me suggest: Fa5t and Furiou5. That's a free one, Hollywood.
Mexican wedding Why do they keep a bag of shit in the corner at Mexican wedding To keep the flies off the bride.
Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.
yo mama so stupid she worked at an m&m factory and threw out all the W's.
What does a pedophile order when he goes to a cannibal restaurant? Eh, just something off the kids menu.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
what kind of flooring does jesus have in his kitchen gentiles
Two brothers were sitting on a plane One said the the other if the plane flies upside down, would we fall out? The other replies, no we'd still be friends.
Robin Williams. Did you hear about Robin Williams dying? They said it was arson but I doubtfire..
Why does the Egyptian god Ra own every Periodic Table? Because his name is on them.
Why shouldn't you commit a crime in front of an Indian women? She's always recording.
What does a crow call his penis? His CAWk.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff [Punchline](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU)
I always sleep with a bed under my pillow, just in case
A guy is with a hot girl and gets a boner Girl: Is that a weapon in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Guy: Both, it's a weapon of ass destruction.
Oscar I hear Oscar Pistorius is struggling in jail so far. He's not getting on too well with the food. The good news is though, he is yet to have the runs.
Hodor joke (Knock knock) Who's there? Hodor. Hodor who? Hodor.
Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.
I had a winning lottery ticket but I couldn't cash it in before it expired and now I get nothing. I am *such* a Democrat.
I had another server go down on me at work. It's just how I interview waiting staff.
[bed] ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Is your refridgerator running? Because I would rather fucking vote for it than these candidates
did you hear about the farmer who was also a comedian I heard all his jokes were corny
When someone asks you if you've met their kids... ... it turns out that the proper reply is NOT "Yes, heheh."
I want to die like my grandfather . ..peaceful . . . ready to go. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car
How did the butcher cure cancer? With salt.
"My only 2 hobbies are waving and telling you my age, unsolicited of course." - Every two year old ever
If you walk in to a room and find a man having a stroke... ...you probably should have knocked.
Obligatory Light Bulb Do you know how many librarians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No, but I know where you can look it up!
What do you say if you meet a toad? Wart's new?
My ex-wife was deaf... She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
Ways To Win My Heart: 1) Be smoking hot 2) Be thin 3) Be a pig 4) Be bacon
I wasn't dropped as a baby, but I've been making up for it ever since.
What kind of soda did Moses drink? Mountain Jew!
My wife is so weird She starts every conversation with "were you even listening to me?"
Why can't you run through a campground? You need to RAN through a campground because it's past tents.
People say I don't have what it takes Yeah, because every time I get it, it takes it.
The best way to remember your 21st birthday, is not at all. Have fun blacking out.
Why did the young boat dock before it was ready? Pier Pressure
I was playing snooker with Jacqueline. I looked at her and said, "Where's your cue?" She said, "It's after the C."
What do you call a confused Asian? Disoriental.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Why did I eat so much paste in kindergarten? It really stuck to my ribs.
What bounces and makes kids cry? My donation cheque to "Children in Need".
Yes. You rt'd me 14 times in a row. Thanks. You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Life is like choclate Bitter if you're dark
Money's short
What do you call an Irishman with a dangerous bacterial infection? A leperchaun! :D
what's brown and sticky? a stick.
Question for Waitresses who have served a Mohel... ...Did they leave a tip?
How did Dairy Queen wind up pregnant? Burger King didn't wrap his Whopper
I'm reading a book about zero gravity I cant put it down
"We have to get together sometime!" is a great way of saying, "I regret running into you."
Just saw my ex saw the girl I had a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stras Innjrden he opens a Fonstrvivig
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If you're bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
What drink did the vampire order at the bar? A blood-light
Not to brag but I can produce cute children. DNA and all. Call me?
*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk* "Wait just one damn minute" - How horchata was born
*mops up wine with cat*
its such a weird coincidence that all these young financial successes all have rich parents, despite being completely self-made
The story of the upvote DAT SHAT be unin a gut tiiime we needsa usa deaa oopvote us a doonvote n all da boom world bee hap hap@#! Der viginia is a centurfuge of paap!@#$%^&amp;*()_+
It's hard having a cheesy personality... I get Provolonely.
I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself. (Shamelessly stolen from Craig Ferguson)
I live in a country where everything goes well together A Combo-Nation
I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow" and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on
Joke from my daughter Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ? It was a scream !
I'm certainly no authority, but if you want to avoid the muffin top you probably shouldn't put size 8 jeans on a size 12 girl.
How does an octopus go to war ?  Well-armed !
On what day of every week do soft drinks sell the most? thursday
Which One Comes First I just Ordered A Chicken and an Egg off the internet, to see which one comes first........ I'll keep you posted.
What was the deaf mans favorite song? The Sound of Silence.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i'm like "cool"
You shouldn't trust dermatologists. They make a lot of rash decisions.
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Why did truffle get invited to the party? Cos he was a fun-guy
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Indian Ocean? You need to be more Pacific. *cymbal clash*
I failed my biology exam yesterday The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer.
What's the difference between American and Muslim teenage girls? It's illegal to fuck American girls when they're 12.
I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker... Cant wait to see my new cock
The average person swallows eight spiders a year. And i've NEVER settled for average (pours burlap sack of spiders down throat)
Ladies stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.
Why can't you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree? Because they are really good at it
What's the worst thing about having sex with 22 year olds??? There's 20 of them.
It took me 4 attempts to type "my dignity". Autocorrect kept changing it to "HAHAHAHAHAHA"
Why do the Dutch enjoy Belgian jokes so much? They're cheap.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women: 1) Me 2) My Best Friend
A really twisted joke What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Colombia have in common? They both left bodies in four states.
What do you call a group of people addicted to Japanese drugs? We abuse
I had mostly good days in school until.... PrinciPao was hired. Now it just feels like I'm being told what I can and cannot do.
How many auditors does it take to change a  light bulb? How many did it take last year?
Why don't witches like The Keg? Because it's always burned at the stake
Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother? My name is Paul.
What's the plural of Ebola West Africa Credit goes to /u/Malfunkdung
Do you think anyone has ever superglued a pair of sunglasses to their face. Wow I hope so. The ultimate level of coolness
I'm gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
My mom read Tolstoy at 12. She has a great career. She knows the capital of every country. She just asked me to put internet in her Facebook
My sex life is a lot like the Olympic 100m final. I wait 4 years for it and it's over in less than 10 seconds.
How do you make anti-freeze? Take away her blanket.
Why were the locals dissapointed when an old, decrepit, broken down bus rolled into an Egyptian town? They wished it was Anubis.
"Work fascinates me  I can look at it for hours!"
What's gay unless you're Chinese? A bro-job.
how many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Enough to protest until the government does it for them
Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Do I know any jokes about Sodium? Na
Women's deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine. Men's deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I haven't slept for ten days... ... Because that would be too long.
Isn't it nice that soon Justin Bieber will go through puberty, Twilight will end, & Mr.Potter's gone? Everything's going to be normal again
A lorry load of wigs has been stolen from down town. Police are combing the area.
Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis"
Why don't native Americans like snow? We don't like anything white on our land.
Please stop calling it "Black Friday" That's offensive. It's "African American Day Before Saturday"
My professor's name is Andy Nusbaum. His email is anusbaum@[university].edu
If the salvation army wants a donation from me then they better get a kettle big enough to put my son in.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
[offensive] what's pink and covered in cobwebs Madeline McCanns bike
My 83 year old grandfather is still trying to be a successful rapper, his name? Two canes
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Donald Trump doesn't want to have sex with his daughter He just has "alternative family values"
Hey my name is Nathan and i'm 12 years old:) I was wondering if there was a dating site for only 12 year olds and under... I'm not asking for myself!! My uncle was wondering
My sister is a Cancer... ironic how she died... Killed by a giant crab.
LPT: When cooking chicken, it needs a lot of support Alone, it tastes absolutely fowl.
What do you call it when a golfer misses the hole? Fore-play
What's the difference between a drunk driver, and a stoned driver? The drunk driver will drive right through a stop sign. The stoned driver will stop and wait for it to turn green.
I'll see your Limerick. . I was driving along in my Bentley, tossing off ever so gently I hit a bump in the road and I shot my load not on purpose, but quite accidently!
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Why doesn't Gandalf dress as a pimp for Halloween? So people do not take him as a conjurer of cheap tricks.
What kind of gum do bees chew? BUMBLEGUM. Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.
What's an Australian Kiss? A French kiss down under ;) *first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*
What do you call a poem about flour that does not rhyme? Gluten freeverse
So a guy gets his arm and leg cut off..... Its okay he's all right.
In certain Eastern cultures, it's considered a grave insult to shit all over the floor in someone's home.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids' birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
So the Disney alligator killed the 2 year old recently. I hope the alligator has a good time with the gorilla.
Do you ever look at teachers and think "I could do that" and then remember you hate kids?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I refuse to jump on the I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more.
Hillary is a great female candidate. She really puts the "Emale" in "Female".
"Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag" "Sorry ma'am, we only have Doge bags." Much leftovers So pasta Very taking home Wow reheat at 350
I tried anal once It was fucking shit
Knock knock Who's there? An owl An owl who? That's my line!
In an effort to be sexier for my wife, I figured I'd pluck 60% of my chest hair... 3 of the 5.
What do you call a British circle jerk? A Union Jack.
Dentist: How often do you floss? Dracula: Every day Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood. Dracula: Oh...I mean never. I never floss.
WIFE: Don't be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit. ME: Ok, I will. [later that day] ME: I quit BOSS: WHAT?? ME: I said, nice squid
What do you call a Private Investigator who is bad at his job? A Defective!
I'm trying to think of a good joke about star wars But they all seem too forced
Why did Jesus die on the cross? He forgot the safe-word.
How many Brits does it take to change a lightbulb? Manual work ? That's what underpaid Eastern immigrants are for pff
Midget scammer So there was a midget scammer who was in a prison break. I watched him climb up and down the wall - it was a little condescending.
Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they are ugly and they stink.
Why is everyone smiling at me today? *checks fly* *no pants* Aaaah.
My wife says I've left the toilet seat up "like a bajillion times" but I'm contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
Ha ha A little bit ask his mom for a quarter she said for what he said for being good she said why don't you be good for nothing like your daddy. Lol
I've been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I saw Uranus from my dorm room last night... ...Next time close your Urcurtains.
The school wants to test my kid for gifted but the program doesn't have "my kid is gifted" bumper stickers, so, like, what's the point?
I was listening to a Lewis Grizzard tape the other day and I realized that r/jokes better call him up and ask for their jokes back.
A grasshopper walks into a bar... and the bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper responds, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Knock Knock Whos There The Who The Who Who? Who Are you Who Who
What do you call ISIS after it has been completely destroyed? WASWAS!
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they live by the bay they would be called bagels.
"Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."
The Viking God Thor comes to Earth... and spends all weekend shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to her "I am Thor". She replies "you're thor, I can't even pith!"
You may be able to drive but do you Avocado
Did you know Han Solo had an employment agency? Han Jobs
So I started up my PC today and all the work on my thesis was gone Who let the .docx out?
One you haven't heard- What do you call twins with no arms and no legs, hanging by a window? Curt 'n Rod
Just found some clothes my ex left here. Perfect timing since I'm out of toilet paper.
borrow money from a pessimist Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One bird says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
It turns out the iPhone 7 is illegal. It got de-ported
I met Michael J Fox yesterday... I was going to shake his hand but remembered it does that on its own.
Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie
God: Don't eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead [20 min later] Adam: Sooo hungry Eve: Me too Adam: That apple looks good
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family. All thanks to the dad. Papa Razzi. Goodnight everyone
I don't do cocaine... I just like the smell.
Why are pills white? because they work
A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: All we did was correct his eyesight'
I just sighed so hard, I won't have to dust for 6 months.
What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
My wife divorced me because I'm still making april fools pranks. April fools!
How many 'suh goods' does it take to screw in a light bulb? none its already lit sam hahahah ssoooohh
Knock knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin. They hatin. Patrollin and tryna catch me ridin dirty.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Mercurian day So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long... In other words - one Earth Monday.
According to this BMI chart I am too short.
These Black and Mexican jokes have gone too far Once you know Juan, you know Jamal.
A 3-foot long chocolate bar is "fun size" not a 2-inch one. I'm not afraid to be controversial.
I like my women like I like my golf Over 80 and handicapped
I wonder how many illegitimate socks are out there because of me?
I was more nervous than a whore in church to tell you this But your about as useless as tits on a nun
Donald Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall After all, they have experience.
What does a girl who loves giving head eat for breakfast? scrotemeal
What do you call a rigged carnival? An UnFair.
Wow, I thought "flash mob" meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh.
I wonder if Martha Washington ever got splinters from George's teeth.
my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate's dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN'T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG
Have you seen The Dark Knight Rises yet? I hear it's killer.
How can you tell if a clock is hungry? It goes back for seconds
If you believe everything you hear about trump Urine in for a long four years....
Apparently the yellow power ranger died after being hit by a car. "It's MORPHINE time" joked one ER nurse, who was later fired.
I'm thinking about becoming a devil worshipper Just for the hell of it
What did the cannibal say after eating a leper? That just fell apart in my mouth!
You're a 10...on the pH scale cause you're basic.
Mickey Mouse hangs himself... He doesn't die though, it's just a case of suspended animation.
A clown walks into a strip club and says... Someone throw a pie in my face!
What was the hardest part of being happy in the 1920's? Telling your parents you're gay.
"Inside of a ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong."  Muhammad Ali
last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house :D
What's the difference between a New Yorker and a Canadian? A New Yorker takes the A train; a Canadian takes the train, eh.
Doctors just assume I want all my blood at a particular pressure.
Why do women wear bras anyway? If you need something to hold your boobs, men are here.
What do walruses and tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal.
Give a dog a bone and you've made a friend for the day, teach a dog to bone and you'll have friends for life.
Me: Wanna role play? Wife: Sure ;) Me: You be the chef/waitress and I'll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That's what they want you to think," say, "No, but that's what they wanted you to tell me."
Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror? To see how she looks like when sleeping.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Where do people send crazy cigarettes? To the menthol institution
I know 5 people who are clinically insane I'm two of them...
Why did the guitarist go to prison? For fingering a minor.
Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said "I Love My Grand-dog" and I think l'm going to be ok.
What's the worst part about swim-up bars? The watery stools
Did you hear, John Wayne Bobbit got his penis cut off again? Isn't that redickless?
Hey there.. Hi..
How does Sean Connery ask for Worchestershire sauce? (x-post from askreddit) Worsheshershershosh.
I saw a play that had King Midas meeting Oedipus. It was pure motherfucking gold.
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Lift up her sleeve.
What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke) The size of their clock.
What does the Pope dip his chips in? Holy Guacamole
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bella ! Bella who ? Bella bottom trousers !
Pick up line I put the STD in stud, but all I need is you.
If you dress up as a banana and eat a banana Is that canabananalism?
How do you know you're talking to a pilot? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Why did the tree go to jail? Treason
I don't think this guy who just told a woman to calm down understands how women work
The moderators of The Joke Cafe rejected the joke I submitted about my penis. ... They said it was too long.
Confucius say to quiet the herd One must shut the flock up
How does one French arsonist flirt with another one? "Voulez-vous bruler avec moi ce soir?"
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
What happens when two lesbians build a house? It's all tongue and groove, and no stud inside.
*walks up to attractive person* I noticed u were eating. U wont believe this but I ALSO enjoy eating. We should get food or married sometime
Him: sex tonight? Me: Work put me in a bad mood Him: tomorrow? Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Here's a joke about circumcised foreskins. [Removed]
"Hey man, the hot girl from class winked at me today!" "Really, bro?" "Yeah, with both eyes too!"
Whats a Porn Stars Favorite Drink? 7up in cider.
I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops. I'm looking at a long sentence.
Why could Jimmy not drive a tractor? Because he had no arms or legs. Why? Because he is a potato.
I bought my dog a brand new flatscreen for his birthday today - I even had it engraved! TO SHIBA
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth... Its pasteurized before you even see it!
I know I'll never be a rocket scientist... because the amount of math they have to do is astronomical and I'm not very stellar at it.
What do you call a Mexican Juggalo? A Faygo Diego
That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.
prayers by believers to a "Sweet Jesus" imply additional deities: Sour Jesus, Salty Jesus, Umami Jesus and, most frighteningly, Bitter Jesus
Why would someone name a dog "pistachio"? Because they're nuts
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I'm so confused.
Patient: Doctor I get the feeling that  people don't give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?
Why is North America so salty? Because its Na.
No matter how kind you are.... German kids are kinder.
I saw three sapiens washing each the other day No homo
I was gonna make a dubstep joke. ** . . .** But i'll just drop it.
Hitler was the worst track runner he couldn't even finish one race
Knock Knock Who's there? Doctor Doctor who? Yes
How long does 8 sleep for? Forever.
I can see 4 years into the future! You can say I have 2020 vision
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a terrible car accident? He's all right now.
Poor Sally! Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock knock (who's there? ) Not Sally. Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? Everywhere.
In an interview: "How would your friends describe you?" Answer: "perfect......" (wait 5 seconds.) "this fucking question again! I don't have any god damn friends!" I'll show myself out
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don't like people.
What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago? "What I want to be *IF* I grow up"
Shoe repair guy: so what happened? [cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet] Me: I stepped in a..puddle
How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food? Wonton
So I was on tindr today and someone offered me a $125/hr "girlfriend experience" So she expects me to pay her 125 an hour to argue with me in the middle of an Applebee's!?
Man's appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows.
What does a white supremacist eat on their birthday? ........ A KKKake. I'll just see myself out now.
Weed doesn't give me an attitude when I forget to pay the electric bill... I love you, weed.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it "Stool Sample."
why should you be afraid of a white man in prison? because you know he's guilty.
*dancing with the stars* *all of a sudden there's a fault in our stars* me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this! *star wars*
Why does my computer say Hello? Because it's a Dell.
Women love to say "sexy AF" or "hot AF" on Twitter .... If I'd known being in the Air Force was that hot...I'd have stayed in !
What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning? Not Apple Jacks
Engineers To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, some idiots used a glass that's twice as big than necessary.
if I was ever in prison I'd quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
How do you know if someone is a vegetarian? He is going to tell you.
I love playing The Sims. It's the only time I can watch a family naked and not get arrested.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brown Artificial Intelligence
What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? About one U.S Leader.
What do you call a slutty housewife? A dirty dishwasher.
What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones ? Hush puppies !
I met the hottest woman the other day She was screaming for a bucket of water
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids' drugs. I couldn't do it. My kid already doesn't trust me, according to her diary.
getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community
This year's presidential election is like 69ing someone... ...no matter who comes out on top, you'll be looking at an asshole.
Which type of juice has the most mood swings? Caprice Sun. [OC]
I don't drink anymore. Cocaine is a Hell of a drug!
Why do people keep buying velcro? It's such a ripoff.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the one that had a dream got shot!
Why is the homeless /r/anime mod still homeless? Every time someone tries to give him Shelter, he rejects it.
What do you call a planned organised rebellion gone wrong? A "coup d'isaster".
My friend asked me if I had a blast on my birthday. I told him I had such a blast, ISIS would have been proud!
gluten free cereal. I want to make a gluten free cereal and name it "NO FUCKING WHEY!"
Helped a homeless guy move today... I picked up his vomit and threw it across the street.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have ? Plenty of milk !
Research shows that the number one cause of divorce in America is Marriage
A car made of French bread just raced past me. It was a Baguetti Veyron.
The internet is down at work. I took my top off and lit a campfire. Coyotes are near. I'll sacrifice Todd from HR. How do you hunt rabbit?
bet i can make you wipe your screen
It seems like everything is made in China... ...except for babies. They're made in VaChina
I walked into my sisters room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Stolen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^from ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^The ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Last ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Of ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^us
A deaf guy walks into a bar... A deaf guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." Deaf guy says, "I'll have a beer."
Why was six afraid of seven? Seven was a registered six offender
Why didn't Jesus get into college? Because he got nailed on the boards.
How do street urchins communicate with each other? Gutterskype.
Ever try to pee when you've got a boner? It's hard.
The sequel to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is just a series of horrified people finding parts of missing kids in their chocolate bars
Say all the bad things you want about pedophiles But at least they drive slowly through school zones.
Girls who say "I hate drama" can usually be found drunk and crying on a public toilet.
best nicknames: 1) Nick 2) 3)
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
My father was a wonderful man. He's still alive, he just turned into a cunt.
Hitler was the worst camp counselor ever.
I always imagined myself growing old with an archeologist, at least that way I'd know His interest in me would increase over time.
How do you get a Baby in a bowl? How do you get it out? How do you get a baby in a bowl? With a mixer. How do you get it out? "With nachos.
Did you hear about the time Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
The sexy 21yr old woman that lives nextdoor to me just knocked on my door and accused me of stealing underwear from her washing line... ...i almost shit her pants!
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I'm planning to open a Norwegian/Middle Eastern fast-food restaurant. It's called The Valhallah Snakbar.
Who called it "wearing a monocle" and not "putting on a bit of a spectacle?"
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
What animal is best at hitting a baseball? A bat!
what's the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in a bathtub? a woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul.
Why couldn't the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?
Ronaldo shot so powerful It created a hurricane
If someone from Poland is called a Pole, what's someone from Holland called? Dutch.
She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.
What's the difference between my 83-year old grandfather and /r/jokes? My grandfather doesn't have Alzheimers.
I always cry after sex. God, I fcuking hate prison!!!!!!!
What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs? Drool
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife? Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If we're all God's Children... What's so special about Jesus ?
What did the baker name her dog? Pido.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Legally, you don't actually have to ever stop screaming.
I'd don't know if this qualifies as a super power, but I'm 100% accurate at finding cat vom in the dark with my bare feet.
What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday?  A merry dairy!
Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.
What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla? People actually care if a gorilla dies.
What's Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking Hahahah jk Rolling
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: Hardly any D: That's excellent ME [swigs vodka] But I'm a terrible guesser
What do you call an abortion at Hogwarts? *Avada kedavra!*
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the fuck out of the dog.
You can run but my rifle's got a scope.
*acts sassy* *flips hair* *walks into a wall*
My dog died recently. It was really hard for the whole family. But it was even harder to flush her down the toilet.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Capcom is developing a new game based on Donald Trump... It's called President Evil.
The perfect kiss and the perfect high five are indistinguishable emotionally.
A Mexican magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three... "Uno... dos..." POOF! He disappeared without a tres.
TIFU by hiring a hooker for the wife experience She took all my money and went shoe shopping.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
With all these regulations and safety hazards about burgers... Rare meat is hard to find.
My Grandfather... My grandfather covered himself in lard a month before his death... After that he went downhill very quickly.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
What do you call a cow with no legs? A cow with no legs of course. HA got heeem.
New Zealand cricket
LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. TWITTER: No.
Why did Donald Trump cross the road? To grab some pussy.
There's no I... in collaboration. Or denial.
What do you call a groan-inducing, kindergarten-level pun? Top post on /r/Jokes.
I would tell you the one about the broken pencil. But there's no point to it.
I just baptized a bale of hay and now I have a Christian Bale.
I'm crap at telling jokes. I keep on punching up the fuck lines.
Why is it hard to break up with a Star Trek fan? Because they are such Kling-ons.
Some worlds just want to watch the men burn Like hell, and the sun.
"Piece of cake" should not mean "Easy!" It should mean "Delicious!"
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I'd told her I was going to a funeral.
So you could say USA nuked Japan in the woman's world cup. Too soon?
What did Ryu say when I asked if I could have some of his food? ***SHORYUKEN***
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
are oranges named orange because they're orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange shit idk
Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.
Life's most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My friend told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today. "Really!?" I asked. "No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...." That'll teach her to try to be funny...
Whoa whoa, calm the fuck down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick.
What do the British say when they're flirting? U wan'a m8?
A Baptist, a Mormon, and a Muslim walk into a bar... The Baptist says, "What the hell are we doing here?"
I had a job at a lumber yard, but I soon got board.
I have two requirements in my will... 1). I want my remains spread out at Disney World. 2). I do not want to be cremated.
What is a Muslim who works at Starbucks called? A Terrista
Did you guys hear about the catastrophic genetic flower breeding program that tried to cross an aster and a daisy? It was a dais-aster.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I tried to grab some fog on the way to work But I mist.
Just smiled at a stranger. So how does this work, will I get a direct deposit in my account?
What do you call a donkey throwing nuts? An astronaut.
What's the oldest age that a boy can have a circumcision? I just want to know the cutoff date.
[taking communion at church] I'm a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
The last beer didn't tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.
Average Guy: [writes her a song] Girl: "Yeah, whatever." Hot Guy: "Sup." Girl: "Oh my god, you're so creative!"
I just told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high. She looked surprised.
What do cows that are stoners say? 420 graze it
Peel n eat shrimp feels remarkably similar to tear the tail off 'n eat the water cockroach.
So one man walks into a bar and the other one ducks.
What's the hardest thing about roller-blading? Telling your parents you're gay.
What are two letters a Brit can't live without? T and Qs.
Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called "Everybody", and we meet at the bar.
Wife said she was 'retaining water' and I said I'd wondered who drained the swimming pool. Been 4 days and I'm still hiding in the attic
I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I'll forget it. Like 'pick up milk,' 'go to bank,' 'you don't hate minorities.'
How do you organize a space party? You Planet.
Me: I'm bored Dad: hi bored I'm dad Me: I'm hungry Dad: hi hungry I'm dad Me: I'm here's 20 dollars Dad: hi here's 20 dollars Me: thanks dad
I made a bet with the butcher that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf...... .......He refused as the STEAKS were too high!!
An egg sits perfectly balanced on the apex of a roof, the wind blows south, which way does the egg fall? Down. The egg falls down.
Thinking about getting a liver piercing. Gotta stay extreme.
What does your mom and a 4-stroke engine have in common? They're both usually busy doing one of the following: sucking, squeezing, banging, blowing.
You guys should see the look on these haters' faces as I scoot through CVS with two Roombas strapped to my feet.
If I were God I would say I'm going to fill the ocean with water but when the Subway employee wasn't looking fill it with Sprite instead.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? Apparently, it's making headlines.
What do you call someone who randomly shows up and drinks your alcohol? Bill Murray.
Without context, where would we be? Joke is the title. If you don't get it, think about it a bit.
What do you call a mexican on amphetamines? Speedy Gonzales.
Saw a picture of Justin Bieber on a horse. It looked as natural as sauerkraut on a bean bag chair.
What's the difference between a boomerang and my father? the boomerang came back ='(
Pink and wrinkly What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your boxer shorts? Your grandma.
What do you call the death of the Trilobites? An Epoch fail!
I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own.
God said unto John... "John if you come fourth you shall receive eternal life!" But John came fifth and won a toaster
Wanna buy a coffin?! So a guy comes up to me the other day and asked if I wanted to buy a coffin and I said "That's the last thing I'll ever need."
Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: I just wanted to see you. [4:07 am]
WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
What country has many sugar? sweetzerland
There are Three Rings to Marriage The Engagement Ring The Wedding Ring And The Suffering
When a waitress asks if I'd like to hear about the specials, I politely explain that talking about retarded people ruins my appetite.
My dad did the running man once.. I haven't seen him since. (Unoriginal)
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... ...eventually, they would find me attractive.
And then alcohol said "Put that on facebook, it's hilarious." But alcohol was wrong. So very wrong.
ABC Signs All 33 Chilean Miners To Next Season's Dancing With The Stars
Why do wrestlers love video games? Because of the lutte
*Runs across campus to get to class on time* Whew! I made it! *Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
What's the do a girlfriend and an ice cream cone have in common? The ones that are hot don't last as long
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
what is it about suicide bomber and sperm they both come out bursting
What do you call the parents of a cat? His PURR-ents
You will go to hell for reading this. How do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice? After you're done wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday. I'm 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
How do you REALLY confuse a gay person? Eight.
Why hasn't there been a coup in the United States? Because they don't have a US Embassy.
Someone asked me if I used mustache wax. I said no, but it helps to have a runny nose.
Just watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.
What kind of drink would a lollipop make? Sucker punch.
my mom should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 911 ... I think -Anthony Jeselnik
Why aren't there any 'Knock, Knock' jokes about America? 'Cuz freedom rings, baby!
What did the Israelite say to the american when offering him a drink? "Here, try this, Israeli refreshing!"
Girls: I hangout with guys, theres less drama. Me: I hangout by myself. Theres no drama & I dont have to wear pants.
I havent talked to my wife in 6 months. I got a slap the last time I interupted her.
Alrighty Kids always remember: you are what you eat So eat loads of sweets and pass on those vegetables
How do you make a cat go woof? Paraffin and matches.
I hate combing my hair... It reminds me of what I did to everyone else: Let them down.
Why is it so hard to help deaf people? Because they never listen.
I told my friend not to play Pokemon Go in India You won't just find a Pikachu there, you'll also find a gang banging you.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They Don't Know I'm Only Using Blanks.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money i make Then they call me ugly and poor.
If humans can grow up to 8 feet... Why do I only ever see them with 2?
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing about twenty-eight year olds? There's 20 of them.
What's invisible and smells like bananas? ....Monkey farts
Cop: "Sir, what's in the bottle next to you? Me: "It's water" Cop: "Sir, this is wine" Me: "What? Jesus! He did it again!"
Why are there no walmarts in Pakistan? Because there's a target on every corner
I'm in such a weird place in my life right now. Literally. This shop only sells Owls and Mayonnaise.
Just because I don't post it everyday doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the things I have.
I just made the greatest construction-related pun of all time Works on so many levels
Wanna hear a short joke? Joke. Ok, But do you wanna hear a longer joke? Joooooooooooooooooooooooooke
What does Trump say when he can't find his Viagra? "This erection is rigged"
Ah, the great Rental Car Kabuki Dance: I turn down the coverage and prepaid gas, the clerk admonishes me for the folly of my ways.
If Yo Yo Ma doesn't answer the phone by saying "cello" then I consider his entire life a failure.
I have no problems with buying tampons... I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. (Jimmy Carr)
After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant Apparently it just changes the color of the baby
What was Abraham Lincoln's seating preference? Not John Wilkes Booth!
In all US bars you can now order an Osama Bin Laden... two shots and a splash of water
Sorry I asked "why?" when you told me your baby's name.
When Balls Disappear What happens when skin touches skin, hair touches hair, and Balls Disappear? Answer: You Blink Your Eyes.
A hole was found in the wall surrounding a nudist colony. The police are looking into it.
It's all fun and games until someone cuts their eye Then it's humourous
Why did Taco Bell hire Eminem? Because he's a Wrap God
What do you call a Mexican Miget? A paragraph Cause he's to small to be an esse
I think the most romantic thing a woman can do for a man on Valentine's Day is to have a vagina.
That awkward moment when you realize that the nursery rhyme never said that Humpty Dumpty was an egg...
I used to be a man inside a woman's body... but then I was born.
Mexico Olympic Team Joke Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team? Their best swimmers are all in American waters.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive [penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
boyfriend jeans are over. in 2017 its all about wearing your boyfriend's dog's jeans
I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder... I hate having sex in the bath.
What does a fat person, a match, and a phone have in common? Cellulite.
I'm no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it's 4AM and I'm making up words again.
Regarding the molestation jokes. A lot you guys may not know this, but molestation... Is a very touchy subject. I'm sorry. Did that joke rub you the wrong way?
What type of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim
HER: I have something I want to tell u ME: me too HER: *smiles coyly* same time? ME: sure HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO- ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Went to the gym and asked the trainer. Could you help me do splits? Trainer: Sure How flexible are you? Me: I can only do Thursday.
When I said "I'm really good in bed" I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
/u/JokeExplainBot walks into a bar and dies
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
I spend more time pretend talking into bananas than I do real talking into my cellphone.
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.
What do gay horses eat? Horse cock
I can't believe Trump just issued an executive order changing Dora the Explorer to "Doreen the Submissive Housewife"
I'm gonna steal a bunch of Jesus fish off minivans and then put them back three days later.
What does snowman have and snow women doesn't, snowballs.
My wife deserved it... She didn't let me wank, I had to beat something!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What do you call a Jewish vampire? Nosferajew!
In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby.
What are 3 words that men hate during sex? *"Honey*, I'm home!"
What do you call a black woman on the moon? An astronaut.
What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East? Dora the EXPLODER
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because seven was a registered six offender
God: Basically u just chill. Cow: Nice. God: I mean, at first. Cow: ...then? God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
"Ow that dog just nipped at me" PEE ON IT! "No man NO STOP THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR EVERYTHING" I'M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
What's black and runny Moses Kiptanui
Why don't ants go to church? Because they are in sects!
It must have been very risky for pirates to slightly burn all the edges of their treasure maps and then dip them in tea.
Why are all castles disabled? They all have tur-rets
Dark humor is kind of like food.. .. Not everyone gets it.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity. Coincidence?
If there is no emoji to express the emotion, does the emotion really exist?
Some people have 32 teeth, some have 10. It's simple meth.
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? It would have been called a teeth brush anywhere else.
Did you hear about the tropical birds who got stuck together? Well I won't explain now, it's toucan fusing.
What did Louis say to Clark? Suck this mcdoubledaw dick nyuggahahahahaha /buh dum tiss
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull out the meat.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light-bulb? You can un-screw the light-bulb
It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.
7-Layer Dip 7-Layer dip is a complete basis for the Mexican-Food Space
Ready for the only way to enjoy Instagram? Follow zero people. Follow every dog.
aesop: man what you did was not cool. like imagine if a fox did what you did to me, and i was a goose. that makes it much clearer right?
In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.
A young boy who has diarrhea asks his mom for some viagra... She asks him why on earth he would want that, and the boy replies, "isn't that the stuff you give Dad when his shit isn't hard?"
Why is Beyonce always singing about going "To the left"? Because women have no rights.
Dermatologists hate him! It's not because he has a great skin or anything. He's just an asshole
I sext my foreign girlfriend a lot. I've come to find it's very difficult to say I'm stroking my cock in French; Although really I should just wait till class is over.
Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small
9/11 Jokes Aren't Funny... they are just plane wrong.
did your friends rob that bank? "I'll never talk" I forgot that you're prejudice against robbers "what?!? some of my best friends rob banks"
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
So I'm here at the wailing wall, like a moron, with my harpoon.
I can't wait to die.. and see what religion was correct
Think of a number between 0 and 20 Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it?
What do you call a game of tennis in China Ping Pong
I saved a girl from getting Raped today ........... i changed my mind.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new haircut? Neither has he.
Im on a first name basis with Madonna, and Cher
TIL: Captain Hook ran an entire pirate ship. He did it single handedly too. He was a bit out of breath afterwards though.
As a farmer I've heard lots of jokes about sheep. I told them to my dog but he'd heard them all.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle . Always wet but nothing to ride
What's the difference between Futurama and One Direction? There's only one Bender in Futurama
Rat and a Mouse Q:What's the difference between a mouse and a rat? A: 1 has a less likely chance of survival in the dog pound
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Her: I can't believe you slept with her! Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK! Her: I just went to the store to buy bread! Me: Longest six minutes ever
What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God? Anoobis
What's better than four roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ
I think people are getting sick of my jokes when they exhale deeply I should take it as a sigh-n
How do feminists get away with murder? They won't let anyone finger them.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza guy have in common Both get to smell the goods, but not eat them
How to understand girls.... Loading...
What do they call mosquitoes in Pakistan? Churchitoes
Time I spend listening to music  54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones  17 minutes
If online bullying has taught us anything..... It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight!!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To have sex with your mom.
What makes a salami excited? When the ham is cured!
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Things Red Bull has given me: 1) jitters 2) diarrhea 3) a heart attack Things Red Bull has not given me: 1) wings
Fish I've got a great pet fish. I called him home. He is an absolutely wonderful fish! You might even say there's no plaice like home!
What is The Mountain's favorite tri-cep workout? (Spoilers) Skull crushers
Parents: Don't let your kids get fake tattoos. Get 'em get real deal prison ink & teach 'em something about this shit called LIFE.
Why does an octopus have 8 tentacles instead of 6? (OC) Because even god thinks "Sextapus" sounds ridiculous. (Note: For purposes of this joke, god both exists, and prefers latin.)
My girlfriend asked if I was Happy to be fair, she always gets us dwarves confused
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology] [2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
So this baby seal walks into a club ...
What is Bruce Wayne's favorite religious health food? Christian Kale
What Operating System does a Redditor use? Fedora Linux!
Two utensils are laying in bed... One turns to the other and says "wanna spoon?" The other replied, "no, I'd rather fork."
"Do people really become like their pets?" I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning 1. Put on Titanic 2. He's gone, that's it
What do salads and Mexicans have in common ? They both benefit America!
What do you get when you cross a baseball with a turkey? A fowl ball!
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile
How many groping victims does it take to stop Trump from being president? We're about to find out..
I buy bags of Halloween candy and boxes of razor blazes just to see the look on the cashier's face.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don't have the remote.
How does Planned Parenthood paint their walls? They go to Home Depot, get paint and rollers Sometimes they hire private contractors Lots of paint and tarps and tape, it's not that fun
Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?
What kind of Asian dish takes away your freedoms? Kung Pao Chicken
You're telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee... They don't put any booze in it or nothin?
[coming home from cinema] Don't let that ninja film go to your head again. *roundhouse kicks the light switch on* "I won't"
Karen on Facebook says, "2014 is going sooooo well!" Personally, I've already fcuked up 2014, and a good chunk of 2015, so go fcuk yourself Karen.
A Priest, an alcoholic and a Paedophile, walk in to a bar. He buys a drink.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I'd probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him "silly."
According to WebMD I may have something called "Your Computer Is Not Connected To The Internet"
My doctor just told me I have Parkinson's... ...I'm pretty shaken up about it.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered six offender.
Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
What did Putin say when the world got mad at him for invading the Ukraine? "Cri-me-a river!"
Whats would happens if you added Hillary Clinton and the USA and subtracted an A? I dont know but it would be Hillary Us.
I'm going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
What's the difference between... a G-Spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.
Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares their dogs too much.
What do you get when you combine human DNA with a goats? kicked out of the petting zoo...
Now playing: With Myself.
DIY - previous owners thought a bright red living room a good idea. 12 coats of heavy duty primer later... This Kilz the walls.
What did the Jewish lesbian say to her girlfriend before taking her virginity? L'hymen
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I hate my dodgy household appliances... My hairdryer sucks and my vaccum blows.
One zebra says to the other, "I'm going to check out that patch of nice green grass over there . . . . . . I'll be white black."
So the Boston marathon was yesterday... I heard it was an arm and a leg better than last year!
A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help I'm doing my part!
I hear a woman with no legs just won the world strawberry picking competition. Jammy cunt
Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon... most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus
What's a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow.
Last night, I forgot about the Sun Then it dawned on me...
What did the dick say to the balls? Hang out here while I go inside.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? *sniff* do you smell carrots?
A talking penguin walked into a bar and the bartender said: "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the penguin responded: "Why do you have a drink named Bill?"
Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not? Because the dime had more cents.
[in bed] Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack? Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I'm way ahead of you
A cat walks into the bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender responds: '' Are you going to drink it or just knock it over on purpose?''
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I've ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
no, no-- i'm pro-life only until the baby is born. after that the baby must exist in a hellworld of preventable disease and gun violence
I'll have a club sandwich on rye. Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion
I find girls tend to make a lot noise in their bedroom Perhaps they aren't expecting someone to be at their window.
Police officer: And what do you think you  are doing on this road Dracula? Dracula: Looking for the main artery officer.
Why do people keep picking on fat people? They've got enough on their plates.
I had a boyfriend once....right up until the moment my dad asked him "so what do you do?" and he replied your daughter. He's Dead.
What's a pervert's favorite train stop? Molestation
I was walking along the pavement and there was this sign that said, "Pavement ahead closed. Please use other side." It made me cross.
How do hurricanes see?  -With one eye
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who can count binary, and those who can't.
4th grade student: How old are you? Me: Quite a bit older than you. Student: So like 23? Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Learning someone led a double life would hard to process because yes, they betrayed you, but wow, think about those organizational skills
A burglar sneaking into a dentist clinic got caught by the late night guard. In panic, the burglar throws a tooth at the guard. He's been hit by He's been struck by A tooth criminal.
Our FedEx guy keeps delivering diapers & formula but I didn't order any. And he cries when he holds the baby. Weird, huh?
Forrest Gump What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password ? 1forrest1
Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the other side
It's like Batman didn't even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.
What do you feed a fat vampire? One stake should be enough
If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler or just watch movies that aren't about superheroes?
The detective said it was "super fucking weird, but not illegal" to rub Rogaine on my daughter's back every morning.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you let Jesus take the wheel... Does that count as ghost riding the whip?
I wouldn't give my brother up for anyone else... Because human trafficking is illegal.
History doesn't repeat, it rhymes That's why World War 3 will be started by Schmitler
How do murderers turn off the lights? Killowatt
Why do people love working at yogurt factories? Because of the culture!
Which Christian denomination knows the most about dinosaurs? Episcopaleontologists
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
My mum told me I was her third favourite child..... .... I'm an only child
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
The joys of whisky and children are the same... ... 5 years of age 10 years in the cave Bottoms up
ME: What's this bit here? NURSE: ...his heart ME: Hm. NURSE: Your resume said you were a surgeon ME: My resume says a lot of things
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.
Yo mamma so bald... you can see what is on her mind.
Hot Topic was having a huge sale Everyone panicked at the discount.
What's a priests least favorite thing about New Years? The balls drop.
What are the two problems Donald Trump is currently being treated for ? 1) Electile Dysfunction and 2) Premature Congratulations.
Finally got the "Josh Duggar is good" neck tattoo I've wanted for years, now let me just read today's news as I take a large sip of water...
Two nuns are riding bicycles in Paris... One says, "I've never come this way before." The other replies, "must be the cobblestones."
I am the best juggler in the world. But I don't have the balls to show it to you.
If someone tells you he has a centrifuge on a submarine, don't believe him! It's a subterfuge...
The Fountain of Iniquity When your honest living has you worrying about pinching pennies, throw them into the wishing well and scoop up all the quarters.
Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.
A judge recently prosecuted a woman for flashing a man to get "new ink done" It was a case of tit for tat
I'm obsessed with the earth It's like my whole world.
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
SISS-BOOM-BAA The sound of a sheep exploding
It's too bad your funny status was ruined by your inability to spell.
Anal with my girlfriend made my day. But it made her hole weak.
What is the advantage that Mexican workers have over everyone else? Their "Senor"ity!
.@espn ugh all u ever tweet about is sports
What happens when the smog rises in Los Angeles...? . . . . UCLA.
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch? An ingestigation
How many cats can you fit in a smart car? None, you can't get any pussy in a smart car.
Hip Hop Humor Whose mother likes rap music? Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes.
What TV personality lives in your phone? SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)
What do you call a nun on a bicycle? virgin mobile
I got hit by a rental car today. It Hertz.
Ever step on a Lego and then kill yourself just to make the pain stop?
What was Bernie Sander's favorite topic in mathematics? Radicals. He loved finding the "root" of problems...
Term for the Useless I have a buddy that is on unemployment and disability at the same time... I call it unability!
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they're fucked.
Cat with 16 lives There was a cat with 16 lives. It was run over by a 4x4 and it died.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
When I finally break up with my boyfriend I'm just going to yell "UNFOLLOW" and then walk away.
Why did the monkey get lost in the jungle? Because jungle is massive.
I need farmer jokes I'm doing a speech at the Christmas party and they are farmers....I want to make fun of them
What's the difference between a musician and a large cheese pizza? A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.
My girlfriend is like Pi. Completely irrational.
If they ever make an alcoholic drink that tastes like a burrito I'll be dead within 5 hours.
My dad and I never got along We have been butting heads since the womb
Quotes to calm an angry woman: 1. Stress makes you fat. 2. My ex never acted like that. 3. I love you, even if you're just like your mom.
I know Jeb Bush will be President... because I bought a bag of Oreo cookies today.
Say what you want... ...about deaf people...
A psychic walks into a bar... it was then that everybody realized she was a fraud.
I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
You wouldn't believe how many laws I'm obeying right now
Did you hear about the suicide bomber? His career ended just as it was beginning to blow up...
Watson asks Holmes What type of rock is this? It has many layers compressed together.
Who lives in a hut with a couple pieces of trash and two grains of rice? An Ethiopian person who has been hoarding for several years now.
How do you get a blowjob in Flint, MI Pour bottled water over your dick.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Knock Knock Knock!! Who's there? The Mandela Effect.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don't even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
What do you call an excited rectangle? An erectangle.
What do you call a stampede of mexicans running away from a snake? **Hiss**-panic
Carmen Sandiego is probably in San Diego
I recently read a book by Donald Trump on finance It had 9 chapter 11s.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a child, you're not going to like it as an adult.
Oedipus? I hate that motherfucker
Finding old food in your teeth is preferable to finding a pen in your fat rolls that's been there since you did a crossword three weeks ago.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with "The Revenant", or as it's known in Canada, "Pretty Average Day"
A priest is walking a crowd through a tour of an old church. He walks them through the priests changing quarters, turns to the crowd and says "And this is where we separate the men from the boys!"
[being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
What do you call a fake piece of spagetti? An impasta
Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed? So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.
How to fleas travel ? Itch hiking !
I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil EDIT: Thanks for front page
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog? A dog who can lick himself from across the room
My ex-girlfriend made a really great cake the other day Getting her legs to fit in the oven was a real hassle, though.
Revenge is a dish best served with anchovies. Seriously, it hides the taste of cyanide
If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.
I fucked an Asian in an elevator. It was Wong on so many levels.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me...
What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02? ...six more weeks of bad hockey!
Do y'all have any tips on growing Salvia officinalis? I could use some sage advice.
What does the rude barista say to the customer in a coffee shop? I can't decide whether you are a fruitcake or a doughnut!
NEW YEAR'S LOGIC 1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun. 2. Time to lay off chocolate.
What does the atheist say when he arrives at the Pearly Gates? I'll be goddamned.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died? Mourning wood.
Drumpf's presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn't possibly win
My desires are... unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)
How many black people does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? 26. One to actually do the screwing, and 25 to mindlessly shout YAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
This hotel I'm staying at tomorrow lists "elevators" as one of its amenities. I never thought I'd fly this close to the sun.
If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.
my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is "sorry, I was drunk." But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year.
Jesus saves! Because he shops at Walmart
Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche? Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
What's blue and smells like red painting? Blue painting
A small boy swallowed some coins... A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his mother asked how he was doing, the doctor said, "No change yet."
Did you hear the one about the man with a big procrastination problem? Eh, I'll tell you later.
What did the tampon tell the other tampon? Nothing, both were stuck up bitches.
Eating pussy is like going on a roadtrip with your wife You don't want to stop and ask for directions and you dont want to admit that a handheld device could do a better job than you
Nutella: A reason to buy bread.
Here's to the stork that brings good babies, the raven that brings bad babies... And the swallow that brings no babies.
Husband catchs pregnant woman eating grass, what is it? Just pregnancy desire
Doctor: are you an active marijuana user? Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games
I submitted a penis joke once The mod tagged it long...
What is the official ice cream flavor of the Academy Awards? Vanilla, because it's all white.
What's a pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken Chest with no booty
What do you call a pig in a trailer? Pulled pork!
[jail] INMATE: so what are ya in for? BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession INMATE: goddam pigs
What do Congressional Republicans and ISIS in Afghanistan have in common?. Their first act since arriving was to go after the elderly.
What's going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. - Poncho salesman
You know how sometimes... You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?  Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.
I'm so good at making Chinese food, I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call a group of cows smoking marijuana. High steaks
What do you call a T-Rex with a bomb strapped to it's chest? Dinomite
Listen Target, I always try products before I buy them and if that means dry humping the shit out of your body pillows in aisle 9, so be it.
Greece is a good example of capital punishment.
i prefer a girl without makeup. in fact i despise the artifice of flesh. give me a nice wailing skeleton
What do you call an Arab oil baron with Parkinson's? Sheik Shake
Did you hear about the Dick that graduated from Law School? He was appointed first attorney genital.
How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West? By Bony Express.
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.
Fun Fact: It is annoying that some people think facts are fun.
What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub? Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.
This is a haiku. This is really a haiku. This is not a haiku. --- --- --- ^^^Edit: ^^^missed ^^^a ^^^word ^^^and ^^^almost ^^^ruined ^^^it.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK Me: just a cold Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA M: no I- Mom: OH GOD IT'S ZIKA M: mom- Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT M: wait, what
I bought a new black router today... I think I'm gonna name it Martin Router King
How did Darth Vader know what Luke had for Christmas? He felt his presents.
"Here, drink this." - Me speed dating.
"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word? There's "Worcestershire," "anemone" & "otorhinolaryngologist." But whatever.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Thor gets drunk, blacks out and wakes up next to a man. Confused, he looks at the man and says, "I AM THOR." And they guy says, "You think you're thore, my ath is killing me."
What happens to illegally parked frogs ? They get toad away.
What do you call a prepubescent rapist? ... a smooth criminal.
whats 72?? Q: What's 72? A: 69 with three people watching.
" I had a nightmare " - Racist having the same dream as Martin Luther King Jr.
Oil If: Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is made from olives. Corn oil is made from corn. Then: What is baby oil made from?
What is bruce lee's favourite drink? A fruit punch.
I'm reading Lord of the rings, Galndalf just died... My wife asked me if Snape killed him.
What kind of condoms do frogs wear? Rib-bed
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
What small plant is used in war? The millitree.
Kids are like farts... ...the only ones you can put up with are your own.
What do you call a lazy immigrant ? A United States citizen
Why doesn't the GOP establishment want Trump as their nominee? They hate colored people.
Testing /u/trollabot no comments
What did the hat say to the coat stand? You stay here, I'll go on a head.
What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Why do elephants hate flying? The seats are too small.
I like dating black girls... Because I don't have to meet their dad.
You should always carry pepper when you go into the city In case you become a victim of a-salt!
What do you call a Greek virgins anus? A loophole Credit to Doug Benson
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you had them as a child, you probably won't like them as an adult!
Gonna invent a drink called Expresso that's just a cup of bees so people will stop asking for espresso incorrectly.
Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
What is the name of Woody Woodpecker's girlfriend? Suzie Splintercunt.
Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.
What did the Catholic baker say after baking the Easter Eucharist? He is risen.
What are Tony Montana's favourite trousers? Alpine Chinos
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the batch of cinnamon rolls in the oven!
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Wouldn't that make frowning an exercise? You lazy bastards.
Why wasn't the bear allowed to drive? Because bears don't have fine *motor* skills
What's the difference between a princess and a witch? 2 years of marriage.
My buddy went to a Halloween party as Jesus on the cross... Everyone said he pretty much nailed it
Fucked this girl for an hour and 45 seconds a while ago. Thanks daylight savings
Why was the tree in prison? Because it broke every branch of the law.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Buster ! Buster who ? Buster tire can I use your phone !
Did you that even when The Thing is not scared... He still shits bricks
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaayaaaaay!
Do you know what happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Juan
You have some up dog on your shoe!! So I was in class one day and my friend turned to me and said, "You have some up dog on your shoe" "What's up dog" was my response. "Not much bro, how about you!!!"
What's the best way to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve.
Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.
Why does the farmer hate his mule? Because when it works, it is always half-ass.
Why is a pizza delivery guy like a gynecologist? They're allowed to smell it, but they get in trouble if they eat it. Teehee
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I'm frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don't know karate.
What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!
A grasshopper walks into a bar... A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.... Then he apologized to the woman he bumped into.
There once was an Irishman who got so drunk while he was in Rome that he kissed his wife... ...and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel.
LPT - If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of uncooked rice overnight. The rice will attract Asian people who will then fix your phone. Tried, tested, true
This is 2 girls with 1 cup. [A.K.A. Friends At (a) Cafe Bar](http://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/friends-at-cafe-bar-high-res-stock-photography/156534295)
A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.
Did you hear the new joke with the old punch line? [removed]
What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady? but we would never know because he couldn't stand up?
An entire generation does not know what the hell is happening when a movie pans over to a wall calendar and the pages magically fly away.
my neighbor who got his nut shot off last winter is outside gluing his license plate to his van
How do Jedi close programs force quit
I just bought a treadmill. It was a little pricey, but I think it will be worth it in the long run
I decided to write a joke about procrastination
How deep is a swimming pool? It deep-ends.
What is the difference between a baby and a feminist? The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.
Dildo gun What is the difference between a gun and a dildo? Nothing they both go bang but one shoots to kill and one shoots for some pleasure.
Did you hear about the man who killed 47 donkeys? I heard it was an assacre
Mom: Wanna help gift rap? Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro-- oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you're on your own.
Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears? His left ear, his right ear, and his wild frontier.
It's not a bad movie, but it is hard to believe a character named Captain America wouldn't be morbidly obese.
What's the capital of Greece? The G
eer booze and fun!' 'A seal walks into a bar  and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies "Anything but Canadian Club."
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a 'veteran' and a 28 year old player 'old' has done zilch for my self esteem today
Not all Muslims are terrorists It's just the ones with short fuses
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese man on a phone,"wing, wing, herrooo?" God I love this joke
Did you ever think about ten years ago you'd be saying.. "I really hope this is a chick I'm talking to".
Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"
Father's Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I feel like I've eaten three countries! ...namely Turkey, Chile and Greece.
13: Dad, What's detour mean? Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.
Before saying anything like "you have really soft hands for a man", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man.
Have you heard the one about the 10 apples and 8 of them were good? ... 2 bad.
What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence.
Ever had that feeling where you just want to jump right out of bed? Me neither.
Why was Windows Vista afraid of 7? Because Windows 7 8 9.
What do fat people wipe their butts with? Toilet paper.
Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath? Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel wet the soap and flood the  bathroom.
A man walks into a bar and an egg falls on his head. The barman turns to him and says, "The yolk's on you!"
Was shopping for a toilet. Sales guy showed me the newest model they had in store. It uploads all my shit to Facebook.
Aristotle: We are what we repeatedly do. Plato: Well then I guess I'm YOUR MOM! -high fives Socrates-
A reddit Moderator told me I have to flair my post.... So I replied, "Well, that's only flair."
Tomorrow I'm definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
Why did Adele cross the road? Because she wanted to say hello from the other side.
"I don't belong here" - dreadlock on a white guy
What's an oldie, but a goodie? A MILF's vagina.
Why wasn't the astronaut paying attention? Because he was spaced out.
Charlie Sheen renamed his penis due to recent events. "The African"
My colleague at work said I'm a gullible twat. Who am I to argue with the current WWE champion?
How do choo choo train go down many mountain? It go "TOOT" then thomas Tank gives tug
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A tyrano-snore-us rex.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten - one to hold the light bulb and nine to drink until the room spins! Happy St. Patrick's day!
There's a band called 1023MB It hasn't had any gigs yet.
If you ever meet me please remember that I literally have a headache all the time
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mother
Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.
"I feel like a failure, doc. I've got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets" "Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I've ever seen!"
What did you say to the policeman who spent  eight hours on the Internet? Oh give it arrest.
What do you call a discounted circumcision? A rip off
as punishment, the townspeople force me to wear a prominent, scarlet letter "A", which stands for "a big piece of shit who loves crime"
Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it's May 13th and it's currently snowing here.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she's gone. She took off after a squirrel.
What's the correct what to enter a Henry VIII convention? You just Amblein.
How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they'll ask for $15 an hour.
Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.
A man is almost hit by a car. Chrysler averted.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Proposed to my Chinese girlfriend today I proposed to my Chinese girlfriend today and she cried tears of soy.
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.... I was shocked
Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!
Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman? Because he was a VI KING.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Father's Day Fun: 1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family. 2) Hug him. 3) Tell him 'Happy Father's Day dad'! 4) Run.
Does anybody have any really old jokes that are actually funny? I'm talking antiques, 100 years +.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An Astronaut you fucking racist.
fat people https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/2uje2o/how_to_lose_weight_fast/?submit_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DzfOy5Ghv9rM&amp;already_submitted=true
How did Little Debby get pregnant? She fell into a box of Ding Dongs
Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard? They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Blur ! Blur who ? Blur it's cold and wet out here !
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I hate when people try to start conversations while waiting for a urinal Why don't people mind their P's and Q
Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.
What is the Speed of Darkness? ... ... Batman!
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
A Little evidence and inconclusive test findings is not good enough for scientist... But a little evidence and inconclusive test findings is pretty good measurement for scientist.
When I got pregnant people would always say 'eating for two now are we?' I'd tell them to bugger off, I'm not cutting down.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
What's the difference between a pot head and a person who physically abuses children? One is good at rolling blunts, the other is good at bowling runts.
What did the bobby (English policeman) say to the hitchhiker with three heads, no arms and one leg? "'Ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, 'op in."
Hitler decides to hire a weather forecaster [Hitler] what's the weather looking like today? [Forecaster] Hail, Hitler!
Where did the father of the paper sack live? Baghdad!
The Nintendo DS' cheaper version was the DS Lite. A cheaper Nintendo Switch would be The Nintendo Lite-Switch
Why do differentiating mathematicians prefer Manhattans to Mojitos? Ryes over rum.
If the women with big boobs work at hooters... where do the women with only one leg work? Ihop.
Q:What did one plate say to the other plate? A:('Lunch is on me!')
Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware store? Because he wanted a tight seal.
I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes. Things are looking up.
Sure I'll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let's get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
When the aliens land I refuse to be the one who explains why mannequins have no heads/arms/legs but do have noticeably erect nipples.
Did you hear about the rabbi performing circumcisions for free? ...he just kept the tips.
why didnt the pedicurist accept black customers she was blacktoes intolerant...
If I were to redesign the alphabet I would place D as the 8th letter. ... just so that 8 == D.
Telling my friends that I prefer twitter over facebook is like when a white girl brought a black guy home for dinner in the '60s
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What does a Knight do at night? Nighty Night
Why does Ganondorf hate the internet? There are too many links.
What's the most redundant sentence you can come up with? -department of redundancy department
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.
I hope rapidly clicking this arrow on Google Street View counts as jogging.
My friend was being attacked by a duck. I tried to warn him but it only made things worse.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.. I don't know why it keeps saying that.
How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox? By thinking outside the box
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice box? Because it says "concentrate"
What do the U.S.S. Enterprise and Toilet Paper have in common? They both wipe out Klingons.
For Halloween this year, I'm gonna be a dish. Because bitches do dishes.
What do you call 1000 Jews on a train? It doesn't matter, they're never coming back.
Have you heard of the, great, ancient Greek philosopher Mediocrates? His primary philosophical viewpoint is "eeeeehhh"
I'll be buying me some more condoms after this New Years Eve! My old ones expire.
What do you call a stand-up comedian with no legs? A prop comic
Tiger turned into Bulldog Men:1 Your dog is very healthy...looks like a tiger ! Owner: This is a not a dog ,it is a tiger.but it looks like a dog because of AIDS.
Why did the redditor go to /r/zelda? To boost his link karma! (X-post from /r/Jokes)
My catchphrase is "Just smell the money, baby". I can't use it yet (I don't have money), please don't steal it
Hit on the Head by I. C. Stars
STDs are like Pokemon. Gotta catch'm all!
"knock knock" whos there "orange" orange who "orange u glad im not a banana?" .... MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Lone girl at the table: "I like giving BJs but my boyfriend doesn't like getting them" 5 guys in perfect unison: "You're not doing it right"
You Rock... me paper, I win!
Why did the vampire miss work? He was having a coffin fit!
It's actually pretty tough to write a Reddit joke that insults Trump supporters. Because they probably can't read it.
What do you get when you kiss a canary? Chirpes. It can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.
Why didn't the bike move? It was two tired. Sorry^that^shit^made^no^sense
An Australian ate a few old chess pieces. When asked how they were, he said "It was stale, mate."
I've decided to always wear a Seahawks jersey to exams when I forget to study for them. That way I'll pass when I shouldn't.
Why don't witches wear underwear? So they can get a better grip on the broom.
What's black and got ten arms? I've got no idea, but it probably can pick cotton like hell.
Doctor doctor my sister here keeps  thinking she's invisible! What sister?
I call bullshit on dogs being mans best friend. That little m'effer didn't lift a paw when I moved. Not him or all his little friends
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together.
The entire plot of spiderman A teenage boy finds out he can shoot white stuff out his body
I signed up for the Do Not List list, but was immediately removed as I had requested.
What do you call a homosexuals hand when he masturbates? What do you call a homosexuals palm when he masturbates? His right-hand man.....
Dead Mexicans How do you bury a hundred Mexicans? In a casket.
What is the difference between a Chicken and a Prostitute? The Chicken says "Cockadoodaldoo" The Prostitute says "Any COCK will do"
At least the joke I just told you is longer then your dick. ... "What joke?" ... "Exactly".
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was "be right out,I'm taking a shit"
I love Animals They are deeeeeeelicious.
After his passing... ...his re-released albums will officially be reprince.
Why did the neck bone explode? It was C4.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food... I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.
A friend made a list of questions for his mom to answer about childhood flashbacks She threw them out
What does a gay mans penis taste like? Shit!
Everything is made from matter... That's why everything matters.
I was 17 having dinner w new gf's parents. Pooped. 1st flush didn't take. I got nervous they'd hear a 2nd so I threw the turd out the window
What did aged mother cheddar say to her son the day of school photos? Looking sharp.
Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away
Me: I'm into fitness Trainer: not again M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth T: you should go M: this isn't going to "workout" T: LEAVE NOW
How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
GUESS WHAT I SAW! Wood.
Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to  the blonde? A: It is the one with the kickstand.
A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells: "Hands in the air motherfuckers! This is a stick up!" Because he's just dyslexic and can still speak fine
I always do my best work stoned. You can ask any of my ex-bosses.
Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes? Because icing is not allowed.
I do not enjoy eating chicken... ... it leaves a fowl taste in my mouth.
We arrested a troupe of mimes for their unspeakable crimes.... None of them talked. But they did point fingers.
Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, "does this taste funny", the other replies "No".
Toilet Stolen From Police Station... Cops Have Nothing To Go On
Did you see the brochure for the California typographer's convention? It's in San Serif.
Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.
Why can't a porn star sneak up on anyone? Because everyone sees them coming
If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight.
How do infomercial salesmen tell you you're fat? Butt weight! There's more!
Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs? Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses] HER: So what kind of car do you drive? ME: A bookmobile.
A friend's uncle asked how to use Amazon. He may need an Internet primer... ...do you think Sherwin-Williams makes one?
What will they now use on photos for LGBT magazines? an airbroosh
I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day... ...so I said, "Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..." Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.
*Filling out application* Sex: "no thanks" Well maybe I should write yes... I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I'll take sex.
What do you call it when a cremated person spins in their grave? An Urn-ado.
What did Carlos the fireman name his twin newborn sons? Jose and Hose B.
Did you hear the joke about the two monsters who crashed? They fell off a cliff boom boom.
Alien vs predator Guys what if a pedophile assualts an illegal immigrant, would it be called alien vs predator?
What do you call an elephant that can't do  sums ? Dumbo !
You'd think there'd be more mirrors in the self-checkout aisle. As far as I know I made this joke up.
I like my girls like I like my computers... Without Viruses.
Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights.... Like he's a Muslim or something.
What do you get if you cross a black person with an octopus? I don't know but it would be excellent at picking cotton.
Argon walks into a bar The bartender says "sorry we don't serve noble gasses here" Argon doesn't react.
What did the ocean said to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
What's the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss........
String theory? It's more than just a theory, dude. String is real.
Why did the Siamese Twins travel to England? So the other one could drive
I was talking to my Irish mate about Brad Pitt's films, but I could not remember the name of that historical Greek film he was in..... "Troy." he said, suddenly. "I am." I replied. "Give me a minute"
"Where'd my boomerang go?" Under there "Under where?" Hahaha I just made you say "underwear" *boomerang hits me in the back of the head*
How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool? "Please get out of the swimming pool"
student: may i use the bathroom? Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet. Student: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: wheres the p? Student: running down my leg.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family* *remembers what family is like* *quits family for Twitter*
What is a Jewish person's favorite job? A lox-smith
I went to a Halloween party where everyone was dressed like a sore thumb Not me, no, I stuck out like a vicar.
Why did Mozart kill his chicken? Because when he asked the chicken "Who's the best composer" the chicken said "Bach, Bach, Bach"
A south-African and a north-African has a bet about who can hit the ground first from a skyscraper. Who wins? Society.
I like my coffee like I like my men Black and shot twice
What do you call something with no body and a nose? Nobody knows!
Not to brag but I'm one of those people who can eat whatever she wants and still gain a concerning amount of weight.
How do you make a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven at ~~three fifty~~ tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers. Edit:summoning happened.
Argon walks into a bar The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." Argon doesn't react.
Little Timmy and Little Jimmy saw a Quarter in the Road. . . Little Timmy rushed out to grab it, and got hit by a truck. Little Jimmy laughed cause he knew it was a nickel.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I'd do a joke about amphibians. But they've all been toad.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Millennial Moses: Just, let my people go or whatev- hang on I'm getting a text.
What would happen if the BLM people became white lives matter? They would finally be right.
My Mexican friend told me this one. Whats an owl say? Quien?
How many feminists does it take...... ...to change a light bulb? 0, woman are so unrepresented in technology that this is not possible.
I went for a swim with my daughter... I felt a warm pocket of water in the waves and yelled at her "Did you just pee in the ocean!?". "No" she said "the seaweed" True story.
People ask me questions like I'm listening
I bought a fan today... It blows, man.
The Inventor of the jug died today. Tributes have been pouring in.
I bought my son a puppy... I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don't hesitate to- ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar.. .. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.
Why are knives always the funniest students at utensil school? Because they're the class cut-ups.
So I knew this lady, and even though she was a Prostitute..... She had the Prettiest face I ever came across.
A japanese man was shouting jokes to his airplane window. When he noticed he wasn't getting laughs he thought... hm... tough cloud
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was "cool. that bird makes more money than me"
My wife gets crazy when it comes to sex. I've had it with her.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they!
What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you're gay
If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.
Your loud tweeting woke me up. Someone must have typed in all caps.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
Where do cows go on movie night? To the moooovie night.
My eHarmony Application was Rejected Apparently, "My dick" was not an acceptable answer to question #14: "What do you like most in a woman?"
How to enjoy babies: 1 Hold them 2 Kiss them 3 Hand them back to their mom 4 Go have drinks with grown ups 5 Laugh about not having a baby
I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive, but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge.
I have boobs & a calculator. Math is irrelevant.
I'm absolutely incredible in bed. In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.
What do you get when you kill a body of water in a comic book? A Deadpool.
My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.
"Hello darkness my old friend." Darkness: I'm not lending you any money.
What's the worst thing you could possibly hear after giving Willie Nelson a blow job? I'm not Willie Nelson.
teacher asked a boy ............ if you have ten chocolates and you give 2 to girl on first bench 3 to second and 5 to last bench girl then what will be left for you reply : three new girl friends
What do you call an Austrian woman's undergarments? A Freudian Slip.
How many Christian women does it take to change a lightbulb? nun
What do you use to make boot soup? Birkenstock
Do you know what the worst thing about an owl is? They maintain eye contact when you microwave them
What is musical and handy in the supermarket. A Chopin Lizst.
Two white guys, Tyronne and D'Andre, walk into a bar... What? That could happen, you racist!
You're so ugly, when you were born your mom said... "What a treasure" and your dad said "Lets go bury it!"
Why can't a bicycle stand up? It is two tired.
It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Why do apes climb to the tops of buildings? The elevator men are on strike!
What do you call a dim witted hooker? A slow poke.
There's so much porn floating around the internet these days... I just shake my fist.
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches? They prefer cricket matches!
Why did the blind man walk into a wall? Somebody shot his dog
Got roughed up in a Buenos Aires curry house.... .....found myself in a spot of argy-bhaji.
I had falafel for lunch... Now I feel awful.
They say that all things come in threes and yeah maybe I did too once because I was really drunk and she looked like a five.
How are teenaged boys like the enzyme helicase? They both want to unzip your genes! credit goes to Hank from CrashCourse on Youtube :)
Why do all the lesbians shop at The Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks.
Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares the crap out of their dogs!
There are some benefits to having alzheimers For example, you get to meet new people constantly.
thought being on acid at ikea would be scary but it was fine and i told people who walked the wrong way "there are arrows here to guide you"
Ive decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn't want to do it at first, but apparently it's for blind and disabled kids so I think I've got a good chance of winning.
Two peanuts are walking through Central Park. One was a salted.
I tell pissed off women to "calm down" So yeah, I'm into extreme sports.
ROOMMATE: Big date later? ME: [combs hair] Yes R: Where? M: [fixes tie] The woods R: Is it with a bear again? M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death? Isaac Newton died a virgin. Repost.
Showerthought: We should make an online dating site called eBae.
Don't forget to wear sunscreen if you go to an outdoor Bernie rally Or else you'll be peeling the burn.
Dark humor is like food... Not everyone gets it
A Mocking Bird Knock Knock Who's there? Who's there? Who's there who? Who's there who?
Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
Mrs Claus hospitalised with severe cramps. Heavy Christmas period to blame.
What kind of sound does a whorn make? A prostitoot.
What did Sting get in Amsterdam? A massage in a brothel
You shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since you walked there.
What do pizzas and parents have in common? If they are black, you've got nothing to eat.
An Angel came to Mary "She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel. " To which Mary replied, "Yikes... I kinda already picked out Jesus"
My friend once told me "You must be the most pedantic person in the entire world." "Third most, actually."
I mean, I'm smart, but I'm no Alfred Einstein.
If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.
f you think Amazon always delivers what you ordered... Then you've got another thing coming.
What did the gassy mummy say to the other gassy mummy? "We have toots in common"
My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday. So I bought myself a 12 pack.
There's no easy well to tell your girlfriend that she has bad breath. I think I'm just going to stop kissing your girlfriend. edit: meant to say "way" instead of "well"
What is the difference between a stalking African Pygmy and a jogging Jane Fonda? One of them is a cunning runt.
My cat's staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she's mulling over past social situations she wishes she'd handled better.
How many friend zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They'll just compliment it way too much and then get pissed when it won't screw.
What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
Haram Two jews walk into a bar. NOT IN MY COUNTRY
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
How did Jack grow his portfolio? He invested in beanstocks!
Subtracting the average from a distributing is demeaning.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2. But how did two flies get in a light bulb?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Don't you just hate the blatant  materialism surrounding Christmas? And aren't you just dying to know what you got?
Why don't cannibals have dogs? Because you're not supposed to feed them people food.
It's the worst night of the year for my dog and cat... Their names are Pots and Pans.
What console does god use? Praystation
What's the deal with airplane peanuts? I mean, seriously, are they seeing anyone?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties? Wife: she asked for a pony.. Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN'T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If I opened a strip club I would have the girls wear BBQ scented perfumes. So when guys came home they could say they were at a Steak House.
I'd like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn't have done this without you
Me: You can't honestly expect me to believe this house isn't haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here. Realtor: Those are windows.
Ok, I'll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
There are two things that I will never get... There are two things that I will never get - why women can't stay in the kitchen and a girlfriend.
I gotta hand it to Stephen Hawking because he can't catch.
Do they make those harmonica holders but for sandwiches?
I was tired yesterday and now I'm tired again today I'm retired
How do you disappoint a redditor? Come back when this post is 10 hours old for the results!
How to trap a Bear. 1.) Dig a Hole. 2.) Put Peas around the Hole. 3.) Put ashes inside the Hole. 4.) When the Bear comes to take a Pea Kick him in the ash hole.
I remember when it was called "drinking a glass of water" instead of "hydrating."
[my weiner falls off my body, into the toilet] ugh mercury must be in retrograde again
Hey you just shot my wife. I'm so sorry have a shot at mine !
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virginia mobile
Oh, Bill... A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?" He answers, "Well, she's no Monica!"
Just saw a man crying because he doesn't know what a homophone is To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, "They're, their, there..."
All the Geology majors at my university smoke a lot weed. I guess you could say that they're all a bunch of stoners.
Life without love is pointless.... Love without life is necrophilia
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fruit salad.
Where did Noah keep his bees? The Ark Hives
*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space* Earth: "Delete it."
time zones are amazing, it's a different time all around the world! for example, in some parts of the U.S, it's still 1950
Did you hear about the native American who tried to beat the world record for drinking the most tea? The next day he was found dead in his tea pee
My wife keeps on calling me "gullible" and "financially irresponsible". So I beat her until she bleed to much then put her back in the closet until dinner.
What concert costs 45 cents? Fifty Cent and Nickleback
I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!" They must be scared of the dark or something.
Have you ever been camping with a guy who has uncontrollable diarrhea? Shit's intense.
I have the email that Hillary sent Donald congratulating him on his victory [Deleted]
Why were screams coming from the kitchen? The cook was beating the eggs.
25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.
Did you hear about the earthquake in Korea? It was Seoul crushing.
I just went on a date with a woman that had 12 nipples.. Sounds funny, dozen tit?
Told my doctor I wanted him to check my prostate without lube He put both his hands on my shoulders and went to town
How to elephants talk to each other ? By 'elephone !
Genie: what is your first wish Joe: i want to be rich Genie: granted. and what is your second wish Rich: i want lots of money
STICK BUG WIFE: We can't seem to get pregnant DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests... STICK BUG WIFE: ...and? DOC: Your husband's an actual stick
When asked why he swallowed so much jizz, Rod Stewart would only say: "My heart can't tell me no"
What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks? It's won't be long now!
You're stuck in 2nd person and you can't get out. Help you. Help you. Please. Help you You wrote this reddit post
I just dumped a pair of conjoined twins. I said, "It's not you, it's you."
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever they said, "No, just till the end of June".
The man who invented Chinese Whispers has died. Pass it on.
What do you call it when wolves get bad breath? Howl-itosis.
[On date] Her - "so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?" Me - "Jurassic Park theme"
Why would no one listen to the percussion section? Because they couldn't drum up enough support.
What is the only feeling that's worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat? Sitting on a warm one.
What's terrible but never gets improved The bad jokes on this subreddit
What's the difference between rearranging your schedule and getting to second base with an ex-girlfriend? One is playing with your priorities, the other is playing with prior titties!
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese shop in France? The area was covered in De Brie...
Super excited about staying at my daughter's place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.
I hate myself for laughing, but a joke my grandpa told me.. What do you call 5 black people having sex? A Three some.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. - stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Slaves and snow tires What's the difference between a slaves and snow tires? Snow tires don't sing when you put a chain around them.
I parked in the "C" section of the parking lot. So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.
Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.
In the USSR's School system it was very important not to fall asleep while the teacher was talking Or you would fail to achieve class consciousness.
The reason Microsofts new browser is code named Spartan, is because they know it's gonna kick people all the time.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Billy played in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? Billy took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is his neighbour.
How does Jesus like his meat? Saviory
knock knock......... who's there?? an old joke p.s. Today is National Tell an Old Joke Day
The artist jumped from a bridge, carrying all of his favorite paints and pastels. At least he passed with flying colors.
In Connecticut it is illegal... To hang a man with a wooden leg. You have to use a rope just like everywhere else
I stuck my finger in an outlet today It really hertz
French pastry bakers are scary They give me the crepes.
Him: Have you ever been so drunk that you... Me: Yes Him: But I didn't finish... Me: The answer is yes
Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. Unless it's diabetes medicine.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable!
I get the same thing for my birthday every year - a pair of socks and a piece of tail... And they're both two sizes too big.
Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn't be arguing...
My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don't blame me. I'm not the racist code programmer.
Of course, "The Situation" isn't his real name. It's Theodore Situationson.
Fear is not the same is respect. For instance I fear bears but integrity wise they are huge pieces of shit
My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died. Mauled to death by a giant crab.
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.... I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight. They've been sizing each other up for hours.
You know what's fucked up? A girl on top.
Did you hear about the crack addict that got trapped in a pyramid? He had to sarcophagi for the drug money
What the hell is Laser Hair And why does everybody want it removed.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
TIL Doctors have successfully grafted eye lids on a patient using foreskin. The surgery went well, but now she's a little cock eyed.
I've just bought you all a deck of cards. Deal with it.
Look At Me Darling Man Looked His Naked Body In Mirror And Said To The Wife Man: "Look 70 Kgs Of Pure Dynamite" Wife Smiled And Reply: "But Shame On The 5cm Fuse"
Fire alarms are dangerous and should not be in the house. Why? Because when it starts the house is on fire!
I'll never be friends with the girl who brings a bottle of sparkling water to the gym.
Where did Santa meet his wife? Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses
I called the Paranoia Hotline: This guy answered and said, "How the hell did you get this number?"
What did one Viking war paint say to the other? Poly, you're a Thane.
If a user posts Nazi-related offensive content and a German moderator sees it, what happens to the user? He gets banschlussed.
Policeman: What do you think you're  doing parking your car there? Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says "Safety Zone."
I just realized why many women love douche bags... It's the only thing that gets them wet.
What's the difference between a dept. store Santa and a male prostitute? I've never been employed as a dept. store Santa.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you "work in mysterious ways" and see how far it gets you.
What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every  twenty seconds ? An elephant with hiccups !
A Truck full of terrapins going north and a truck full of tortoises going south... They collide. It was a turtle disaster.
Imagine if, in some fit of drug-induced rage back in the 60s, Keith Richards had killed David Crosby &amp; Gram Parsons? Talk about killing two byrds with one stone.
Stupid Joke I'd like to name my kid buoyancy, but whatever floats your boat.
Father: " I know the answer to your bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television." Son: " I'm sorry you'll have to phrase that in the form of a  question."
You know who is lazy to type?
What do you call a group of singing people floating around in the ocean? An acappellago
What's the fastest game in the world? Pass the Parcel in a Belfast Pub.
In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.
Swedish Fish They aren't sweet, just sweet-ish.
I failed my Health and Safety Test today apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer
My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my English teacher is hotter.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn't throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
What is yellow and can't swim An excavator :D
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs? Like "this drug may cause severe sexiness"
What do Germans call their own EasyMac? Mein Kraft
I went to the store to buy condoms, the cashier asked me if I needed a bag. I told her "No, she's not that ugly"
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
NSFW - Two dildos are in a drawer... One of them sighs. So the other asks, "Soft day at work?"
I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.
Massive fall on Wall St today... Nope, wait, just Hillary fainting.
Why is there a rape culture? Bcos, to some men, the inability to rape, felt like rape.
There's a sticky penis on my doormat... It must've come in the post.
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently.
ME: bartender. another. BARTENDER: but you just- ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER [bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Meatloaf would do anything for love Except for eating a proper diet and exercising regularly.
What is the Pope's favorite breakfast? Eggs Benediction.
I just molested myself. I said no, but I knew I wanted it.
What's the difference between plants and black men? Cells are found inside plants.
Why was Hitler born on 4/20? His mom wanted him to blaze it
I bet Patrick Swayze's "Ghost" ghost & Bruce Willis's "6th Sense" ghost make beautiful pottery together in movie heaven.
They say that 1 out of 3 people has cheated on their relationship I'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
DOG BOSS: ur fired ME: wait, is there any way you'll reconsider? DOG BOSS: no ME: u want to go for a ride in the car DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? (NSFW) At least a zit waits you're a teenage boy before it cums on your face.
Have you heard the myth about how the internet was created? It's an Allegory.
What's a cherry's favorite sex position? on top
[OC] What's Elton John's favorite kind of conditioner? Levon.
Whats the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down a bitches throat.
[alien taking notes] Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Why do gay people smoke cigarettes? They love butts in their mouth
The only thing better than an orgasm is being interrupted by stupid bullshit while you're masturbating. I hate stopping at toll booths!
Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road? To get to the... *other* side.
Something is bugging me... Something is bugging me. I keep thinking about my four year old daughter's vagina and I can't put my finger on it.
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
What do you do with a dog that doesn't have any legs? You take him for a drag.
Chicken walks in to a bar... It's full of Roosters. Chicken says, "I crossed the road for this?"
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Snail Racing My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish
But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures. But unfortunately I'm now banned until I bring them back.
How do you guys tweet from the toilet? I poop with both hands.
Two Na atoms are together on the battlefield... One of them gets shot. "I've been hit!" he yells. The other one looks at him. "Are you sure?" He replies, "I'm positive!"
me: "okay I might as well just say it..I love you" girl dinosaur: "omg u have no idea how long I've waited for u to say that!" *meteorite*
I'm not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I'm high or bc we're both high, but it's been 6 minutes and we're still just smiling
I use to be addicted to soap I'm clean now
ME: seen the loch ness monster? HER: it's not real M: *unzips pants* wanna bet? H: *rolls eyes* sure M: k i'll pee and then we'll google it
So I was going down on my grandmother the other day.. And her pussy tasted like horse semen. I had to stop myself for a second and think to myself "Is this how she died?"
You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran... Because it's past tents
Come a little closer so I can push you away.  Women
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it! Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.
This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it's dabbed in chloroform...
Haaha What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
Difference between a newspaper and a TV..... Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a television?
Two Chinese guys walk into a bar.. The bartender says "Why the same face?"
A Brit, a Jew and a Canadian. So a Brit, a Jew and a Canadian are sitting in bar. The jew lifts his head from his drink and says, "I just don't know anymore, does america got talent?"
What do they serve you in a Viatnamese McDonalds? NAMburgers
Did you hear about the American Indian who was in a tea drinking contest? They found him the next morning lying in his tea pee.
I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Fact: It's not masturbation if you use a puppet.
[diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Your Momma's so fat... A Stormtrooper could hit her with a blaster shot.
Don't Commit Suicide 0/10 people who commit suicide recommend it.
What do you call breakfast? Breaking fast yooo!
How do I change the ring on my phone to an onion ring?
[first date] me: don't let her know you vocalise everything you think her: what? me: shit she knows
What sound does a bloated dead horse make when you beat it? If you're still waiting for a punchline, why are you here?
Its the last day of the year.... Just felt I should thank everyone who made me smile this year. You are one of them so here's a big THANK YOU.
The less hair I have The more head I get
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home...
What do you call a religious pediatrician? A pedotrician.
"so what did you do before self-driving cars?" "we just drove 'em ourselves!" "wow, no one died that way?" "oh no, millions of people died"
Hooters finally hired me but I have to wear a smock to cover up my weird nipples
I don't like to brag about my cat-like reflexes. That said, could someone please call for help? I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
People that have their kids on a leash get very defensive when you pet them.
My boyfriend is hung like a work of art. Specifically, Michaelangelo's David.
I just ate some pasta... ...and it was worth every Penne. ^(My god, that must be the worst joke I've ever written.)
Roses on your piano What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Rick Astley voted in the referendum. He's never gunna give EU up
a friend told me how electricity was measured and i was like watt
I have a joke thats more fucked up than it is funny. Why do guys slap girls butts? To make sure thier guts dont fall out. Sry
I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.
Archeologists digging in a site in Egypt found a mummy buried with a large amount of chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be the Pharaoh Roche.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2 The spaceship returns HAL is just as uncooperative as ever. He never works. He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. "Give me a D" she says. "She wants the D" Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
HOBBIES INCLUDE: - Whispering dark secrets to animals - Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth - Being vegan, but also eating steak
I ejaculated so hard That conspiracy theorists are saying there was a second shooter.
I was asked who my favourite X-men was the other day... Apparently Caitlyn Jenner was inappropriate.
I had a dog with no legs.. I named him cigarette so I could take him for a drag.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage? me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they'd have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
What time does Sean Connery leave to go to Wimbledon? Tennish.
Why did the computer scientist die in the shower? The shampoo bottle put him in an infinite loop.
What did one nihilistic dolphin say to the other? "What is life without a porpoise?"
What are some good conversation starter jokes you can think of? Just some light jokes with bit of humor . Nothing too dark.
I don't care what you say about vacuum cleaners They still suck Just like this joke
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let's try to leave better kids for our planet.
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"? Short John Silver!
What do you get the girl who has everything? Penicillin.
Pizza slices are like fucks. I give none.
I'm not racist. White people scare me too.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house! Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Why do doctor's offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it's going to be high then.
If you cut your goat in half you'll have two goats, that's just simple math.
What's half of 8? 5. The other half is 3.
should I get a "hummus" tattoo in Hebrew and Arabic?
Two Irish men walk out of a bar.
My ex didn't realize 'cheat day' only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.
I broke up with a Japanese girl last week... It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
Medical humour A properly immobilized patient requires no anesthesia.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it's at!
The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.
What kind of sweets do trucks like? Lorrypops.
What's so bad about being a dick? Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole your master covers you in a plastic bag And every time you get excited you spew.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... So he gave it to her.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The 70's called. They built a time phone.
What's accounting? Something Italians learn in preschool.
Cop: So, I'm writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You're going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Toddlers run just like a 70s stuntman engulfed in flames.
She told me to give her nine inches and to make it hurt... So i fucked her three times and punched her in the gut.
What do you call a thief running down your stairs? A condescending con descending.
[raises hand in English class] Why do we need to be learned English? "Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"
Q: What did the lightbulb say to its mother? A: I wuv you watts and watts.
There's a lot of hate against Neo-Nazi groups... But you must agree with them that Hitler was right
"You're not like the other girls." "Yeah, that's pretty much how this works. We're literally all different ones."
Why was the lizard nervous in bed? He had reptile dysfuncton
If people in the US hate mexicans so much.. than why is Jose in the national anthem
What's the difference between Jews and Boy Scouts Boy Scouts come back from camp.
Just a taste... Lemme kiss that newborn so I know what the inside of your wife tastes like.
I just axed this dude what kind of body spray he was wearing.
Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are Remarkable
Okay amateur photographers, the 1,000,000,000,000th close-up photo of a flower has been taken.It's safe to move on to other objects now.
'Dances with Wolves'... But it's just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
58% of statistics are made up on the spot.
I hate when you compliment on their mustache... ..and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film "Back to the Future II" showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we've got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
A son to his mother: Mum, I don't like grandma. The mother: Shut up, we eat what we have!
You guys hear about that new broom that came out? It's sweeping the nation!
Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bitter Bianca ! Bitter Bianca who ? Bitter Bianca next train out of here pardner !
A man is put on trial for committing mass genocide against the people of Scotland. It looked like he would be in prison for life... ...but he got off Scot-free.
Today is July 4th. Do you know what that means for tonight? That tonight it'll eventually be 12:00am turning to July 5th.
How do you make a car top? You gotta 'tep on the brake 'tupid!
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? we are both lawyers
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
I like my men like i like my coffee Not from starbucks
I broke the drums at the bar where I work, so my boss had to order a new set He told me there would be repercussions
What do you call a dating app for neckbeards? Tipper.
My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.
Please don't joke about WWII, my grandpa died in a KZ camp He fell down from the guard tower.
What do you get when you run a canary over with the lawnmower? Shredded tweet.
What was Hitler's favorite animal? Da cow
What's the difference between a pirate and a necrophiliac? I'm not sure, but they both go out with shovels to find the booty.
Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
The only things that defy gravity are women... ...the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Always pay your taxes with a smile I tried, but the IRS still wanted cash.
What did the zero say to the eight? Where'd you get the cool belt?
My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her. She's a cracker.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." - Wayne Gretzky - Melania Trump
When couples tell me they're taking their relationship to the next level, I just assume they're gonna start throwing cutlery at each other.
My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.
How can you be so sad when you are so beautiful?
I'd hate to be Turkey this Christmas.
What did the asian couple name their black baby? Sum sing wong
What do you call a piece of poo that assualts you in the ocean? A shart attack
When I first meet someone I always want to talk about that movie with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio... but the Titanic is a terrible ice breaker.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Smallpox and genocide.
Men don't ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they'll remember "breast, thighs, moist & hot"
What is green, sings and can be found in the fridge? Elvis Parsley
I went to the doctor the other day with a nasty pain in my ass Turns out he already met my wife.
Why didn't Hitler drink? Because it made him mean
What did Pat Benatar say to the kid throwing cereal at her? Stop using Chex as a weapon!
My reddit secret santa gave me what I have really been wanting for quite some time now.... They fucked me.
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" I thought to myself "That sounds like a fair trade"
[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer? [sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I'm not expecting them to be practical
What's with everyone being scared of clowns recently? Americas already got two running for president.
On Halloween I'm going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we're going through with this election.
The Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.
I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.
How did the scarecrow win a noble prize? He was *out standing* in his field.
When you realize you're enjoying the May weather... But you want Pacquiao to win...
There is going to be a merger between FedEx and UPS.. Yep, they're going to be called "FedUp"
A black man and his donkey walk into a bar.. The bartender says "get your black ass outta here."
No, I'm not an addict I just really really need it.
A blonde joins a Mexican cartel The cartel sends her to Colombia to get coke and she brings Pepsi.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Why do ducks nod their head when they walk? They're listening to duckstep!
Why don't Donald Trump's fans care that his wife ripped off Michelle Obama's speech? Because none of them got to the point in school when they explained plagiarism is wrong
What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning? She puts her clothes back on and goes home.
Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.
I put the U in murder
What's Trump's favorite type of nut? A walnut.
What do you call a man with his arm up a horses butt? An Amish mechanic.
What did the koalas say after getting in a fender bender? Eucalyptus.
Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him.
What is the difference between Vinod Khosla and Rajat Gupta Vinod khosla made his money in information technology while Rajat Gupta made his money by selling information with the help of technology
When it comes to volunteering on my gynaecology residency, I'm the first to put my hand up.
Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she's Mexican?
Me and my wife are getting a divorce so we are splitting the house ... She gets the inside. I get the outside.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it's actually their skeleton barking. PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I told my friend I was traveling to Seattle... He asked who attle was.
I don't like male pornstars They always are fucking assholes
What do pirates use telephones for? Booty call
If God doesn't believe in himself... Does that make him an atheist or does he just have low self-esteem?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook, I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club. I only want to know what channel it's on.
What do you call an octopus that fights sharks? An octobrave. I'm sorry.
What is worse than finding 100 dead babies in a trash bin? Finding 1 dead Baby in 100 trash bins.
A guy walks into a bar... It hurt.
"I'm an actress" I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Why is 7 afraid of 8? It's not, numbers don't have emotions.
Women have a higher risk of getting pregnant than guys.
What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed? An under cover cop.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were in a car crash, who would survive? America
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't
When thirsty you should always drink apple juice.. Because OJ will kill you.
What's the difference between a really comedian and someone who can't complete a joke?
Molestation is no laughing matter. For most, its a very touchy subject.
What does an existentialist bully say? "Quit being yourself, quit being yourself!"
Why did Jose push his wife off the cliff? Tequila...
i showed an african kid "the human centipede film".... he wasn't hungry anymore
What do you say when your girlfriend accuses you of being an ass man? I'm anything but.
Anyone ever see Stevie Wonders wife? Neither has he.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
I had a bad diarrhea few days back... Someone online suggested I should try potatoes. I've showed one up by butt and I haven't taken a shit in 3 days! Thanks stranger!
I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name. He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".
My wife left me because she said I made a meal out of everything. I intend to make her eat those words.
Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice him. Weird.
Patient: Doctor you must help me. I'm  under such a lot of stress I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I JUST DID DIDN'T I YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
How much did the lawyer charge the prostitute to represent her in court? Nothing, he did her PRO BONER
Eat shit dude! No seriously, it's good for your eyes. You've never seen a dog with glasses have you?
I named my penis "Che Guevara"... ... because he strikes fast and retracts even faster. ^^^Also ^^^he ^^^has ^^^a ^^^funny ^^^beard.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your vehicle
Critics are raving about Mud. "It's like dirt but wet" says one. "Oh god it's in my eyes" says another
[rubs magic lamp] GENIE: You get 3 wishes "Anything?" GENIE: No wishin for more wishes "I wish for more genies" GENIE: I don't like you
What's six feet tall , silver and stands at the end of kids beds? Gary Glitters boots.
Condom Warning Condoms no longer guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
"I have another terrible idea for a movie!" - Tyler Perry, every morning.
It's only an overdose if you're dead.
"Iraqi Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Kills 22 Pupils." Finally, some school violence everybody can support.
An apple a day keeps doctor away... ... so do the sticks and stones.
Q: What is blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, black, brown, and gray? A: A box of crayons.
Popped a tire on a pot hole today Badum tss
Hello darkness my old friend... I've walked into a wall again.
My resolution for 2016 is to call Starbucks "Starbrights" and Reese Witherspoon "Ruth Witherspooks" to keep my grandmother's legacy alive.
Pakistani math problem. Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.
[puts puppy in microwave] [googles instructions for making hotdogs] [quickly releases puppy from microwave]
England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.
What's the best part about going in without a condom? The abortion.
What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS? Acting surprised.
Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport... Twelve women, three periods each.
Phill: *gets stung by a stingray Me: *pees on his wound Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!
i was walking down the street, when someone threw a packet of cod liver oil at my head........ .......but i only suffered super fish oil injuries
Why is King Kong big and hairy? So you can tell him apart from a gooseberry.
They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian... They're not laughing now.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
What is a ducks drug of choice? Quack.
What's the best way to make an egg roll? You push it! I deserve salmonella for even posting this...
A warning to prisoners of the Matrix Snitches get glitches
"Still hung. Over." -- well endowed truck driver.
What did the blonde haired, blue eyed soldier become when he left the army? A veteran aryan.
Speed dating, but instead of talking, you just exchange phones for 3 minutes and try to glean as much information from them as you can.
Mother: Fred why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
How do you make a redditor... Click on a post?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Women always complain about periods. Talk to me when ovaries become supersensitive, hang in a thin sac and you accidentally sit on them.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Everyone in my house has diarrhea I guess it runs in the family
Two Shitty Jokes What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
My girlfriend is  (-100). She's definitely a 10, but she's imaginary.
A guy walks into a bar... And says, "Ow."
Submarines are just hipster boats.
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
My girlfriend said she doesn't mind what car she gets, as long as it gets her from A to B. Which I fully support. Her boobs are far too small.
Researchers in Canada have reported finding a superconductor that they say works at room temperature.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Did you hear about the legless man who got his wheelchair taken away? He was floored.
Told my girlfriend she should scream out 'my god you're huge'!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room
Everyone knows you can tell a criminal is lying if his lips are moving, but how do you know when a cop is lying? His pen is moving.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn't leave the oven on.
If Chris Redfield worked pest control... It would be called Resident Weavile.
I've already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
What do you call a python with a great  bedside manner ? A snake charmer !
I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn't enough.
Can I take your order? Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke. Sir, this is Wallgreens OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
When fighting clowns, never hesitate. Go straight for the juggler.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there's a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god
I was going to post a joke about my poop this morning but it was too corny.
My pee tells me I'm probably dehydrated this morning which makes no sense at all because I'm pretty sure I drank enough last night.
Trump and Pence are so homophobic ... ... they couldn't get a mandate. HAHAHA! A lot of people are going to die in the next 4 years.
What is the temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm
How many cops does it take to push a Black person down the stairs? None. He *fell*....
A limerick for The Isle of Skye When I was on the Isle of Skye I overdid the old Spanish fly I had a stiff member From the fourth of December Till Friday the tenth of July
What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? The circus has a bunch of cunning stunts...
So, could you say "Black Friday" came early in Ferguson, Missouri?
Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies? They've got a lot of thyme on their hands
This redditor is so N00b... He pondered for several hours as to why people in his comments thread kept calling his submission "Overpowered"
The road to hell is paved. That's nice.
Controversy in Europe Did you hear about the latest controversy in Europe? If Russia attacks Turkey from the behind will Greece help out?
I'm not racist my best friend growing up was black Until my dad sold him
What do Catholics priests and Justin Beiber have in common? They're both fucking immature arseholes.
If your friend is into BDSM... Should you get them a gag gift for Christmas?
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until a boy is at least 14 before coming on his face.
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black!
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the  bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black.
How do scaredy-cats answer the phone?  Yellow?
What really ticks people off? Time bombs.
I think I'm allergic to mornings.
Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn't love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I'd be impressed.
Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
Are you celebrating Chinese New Year, gurrrl? Cuz I'd like to go home from the baa and ram ewe.
What is all this #Brexit going around? When did Bromine decide to leave the periodic table?
What Do You Call a Romantic Basketball Player? Love Shaq
What happened to Donald Trump when he travelled to Switzerland? He Felt the Bern
Describe your latest laid with a movie title! "The Lone Ranger" "Home Alone" "Bend It Like Beckham" Now it's your turn!
A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?" The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
What do politicians and sperm have in common? About 1 in every 600 million has a chance of becoming a human.
My version of "Free hugs" is a sign hung around my neck that says "Ewww, get the fuck away from me."
Why did Jeb lose support? He was always beating around the bush... Without getting to the (common) core!
[Talking w/Doc] The wife wants to try period sex "Seems unsanitary to me" I dont think u understand- *wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
What does a sarcastic fishing-rod with a broken reeler say? No, reely?
"Bless your heart" is southern for "I'm pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child."
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club ..but I'd never met herbivore.
I had a great idea for a courier business, run by lesbians. I'd call the company "Lickety Split Delivery".
What do you call 50 feminists on a bus? Trick Question. You can't fit 50 feminists on a bus.
A naked women robs a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
I hate French people They give me the crepes
If this whole twitter thing doesn't work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
A waitress approaches a table full of jews. She asks, "is anything alright?"
I wonder if Radio Shack ever thinks about changing the name, you know now that it's 2011 and all.
I looked out the window earlier and the sky was bright green. I thought, 'I've got the fucking plane upside down."
What's the worst advice you could give an actor right before an audition? "Just go in there and be yourself."
What do you call an aroused eskimo dwarf? A frigid midget with a rigid digit.
Customer: Why don't you have doggie bags? Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.
A man walks into a bar... AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA
[Pun] There's something about the sky... There was a man in an airplane and he had just over dosed on alcohol, one could say he really was HIGH -&lt;&gt;~&lt;&gt;- ^those are what I call 'pun glasses'
*men apologize for their weakness* *women apologize for their strength* *aliens probe neither*
A man walks into a sofa... Couch
Which big cat should you never play cards with ? A cheetah !
How do you annoy Lady Gaga? Poker face.
Gran's always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach .. I just can't believe she fell for it.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed! Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Do vegetarians eat animal  crackers?
If you marry a woman in Tennessee, but divorce her in Kentucky... ... is she still your sister?
When you have to poop so bad it comes out just as you reach the toilet... That's the shit I don't like.
I walked in and found my wife in bed with my best friend, I kicked them both out of the house. and he was the best dog I ever had
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.
What do you call the headquarters of an organization of space terrorists? ISISISS
How do blind people sign contracts? On the dotted line.
Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart? ...because its not a Target.
What do skeletons order at restaurants? Spare ribs.
So A C and E walk into a music bar... The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
Never make the same mistake twice. Make it three times. Be sure.
Q: What did the emu say to the nurse? A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
Son: can I go? Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings Son: yeah I know Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
What is the difference between Donald and a peace of sh..? NOTHING....!!!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers: Please add : 'Don't trust a fart' to your side effects label. kthanksbye
My girlfriend and I were practicing safe sex... i told her sex with a condom on doesn't usually feel as good. she pulled it off
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He's going to pay for that later.
Great Comcast customer service http://gizmodo.com/comcast-changed-customers-name-to-asshole-brown-but-i-1682409072 Best article i red in while.
What did King Trident say when he stepped in the whale poop? OH CARP!!!
What did the dead person say the skeleton... "You're a numbskull."
I was going to be a politician for Halloween Then I realized I couldn't fit my head up my ass
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
A couple of crows were in prison the other day... They were held for attempted murder.
I make more money than Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerburg combined And all I do is work at the U.S. Mint
Had a brainstorm, 32 neurons dead, 104 missing.
Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke. Joke. Jooooooooooke.
What's worse than finding a sack of spider eggs in your room? Finding a sack of hatched spider eggs in your room
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains? "Actually that's a myth-" This part is useless *stabs fork in head* See? Now florble arble guh
"Dad, why did your generation find a fat guy singing in Korean & pretending to ride a horse entertaining?" "I don't know son, I don't know."
When are jousting tournaments most commonly held? Knight time
doing sports is ninety-eight percemt confidence and two thousand percent talent and three fifths makimg math dudes mad
Why is Santa's sack so big? He comes once per year.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 8 fellas but dropped his microphone on his foot.......and shouted "Fuck me!" What happened next will haunt me for life!!
You can make jokes about anything; just not Mexicans. That's crossing the border.
Knock knock. Who's there? The pilot, let me in.
Why are Americans so bad at chess? Because they don't have 2 towers.
Just showered using my husband's man body wash and now I'm earning 23 cents more an hour?
Science joke The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here" He orders a drink A Tachyon walks into a bar Who wants to hear a Tachyon joke?
Just converted my savings to pesos and HOLY SHIT am I rich!!!!!!!!
My friend went to a party as the Spanish Inquisition... Nobody expected him
[first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I wanna start a muslim tinder called a-salama-like'em or a-salama-hate'em
What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop? WRAP MUSIC!
Women are like tornadoes... They moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
I know what it's like to be pulled back from death and appreciate life more since I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and it still works
My computer just said hello to me. I think it's A Dell.
Eating pistachios is like picking up girls You always go for the easiest ones to crack first.
I'm not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn't seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Why are you walking like that? "Number one, I crashed my bike yesterday morning, and number two  " edit: grammar fix
What is a Germans favorite letter? I don't know but it's Nazi.
14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire' has done nothing for our career.
Why did the boy like doing trigonometry? Just cos.
Before my girlfriend Boyfriend: Did you fart before my girlfriend? Man: I didn't know it was her turn.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a  woodpecker ? A bird that talks in morse code !
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"  The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes "Where?"
'I like big butts and I cannot lie.' - homeless guy rummaging through an ashtray.
Did you hear about the elephant that orgasmed? It was all over town.
what do you call a rock group with no bassist, drummer, singer or guitarist? Mount Rushmore
How can Donald Trump deport millions of illegal immigrants? By completely ignoring, these are only campaign promises.
If you are what you eat Then that explains why I'm such an asshole
this 'donkey kong' aspires to humanity through the gesture of the necktie. yet it is the hoarding of his wealth that truly makes him human
Two trucks carrying thesauruses got in a wreck... Onlookers were aghast, amazed, appalled, astonished, astounded, dismayed, offended, shocked, stunned, upset...
What did the cow is standing all alone in a field say? Where are the udders? (Thanks to my three boys for that one!)
Butcher A man in a butcher shop: "I would like bull testicles please" Butcher: "Me too"
Unshakable Fact # 3 Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Fucking PRICELESS.
Two Jewish businessmen were discussing insurance. "You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." "The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the other,
Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!
Whats the difference between a rooster and a whore? A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do and a whore says any-cock'll-do
A bicycle cannot stand alone; it's two tired!
I saw a slim white guy in a dark alley that was so shady but funny... ..so funny and shady in fact, that if you saw him in a room full of ready to laugh people sitting down, he'd stand up.
I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.
What is a printer's favorite Village People song? YMCK
My car horn hasn't worked for a long time. Today, a Boy Scout fixed it and all he said was, "Beep repaired!"
"I wish my girlfriend sucked my dick the way she sucked the fun out of everything." -Shakespeare
I don't understand why, with all the modern technology we have, objects in the mirror can't be the exact size as they appear
Mexican, Chinese, Jew &amp; Black jokes are all the same. Once Jew heard Juan, Yu heard Jamal.
7: what do you want for your birthday? Me: idk a new car 7: ok *walks away* [ 2 min later ] 7: what do you want that's under $6.42?
Whats a motivational word for a gopher? Gopher' it.
Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my  elephants" Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly he can't read!"
I recently won a punctuation competition. My prize was an apos-*trophy*.
The Wife just asked if she looked OK in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance...
My local butcher accidentally backed up into his meat grinder... He got a little behind in his work.
A Dick in hand is better than pussy in a bush
Did you hear about the big marijiauna company scandal? They were putting drugs in there products
A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.
Mitt Romney
I was charged for dental floss during my most recent visit to the dentist. The dentist said he was changing the office's philos phy
You have enough fat to make another human.
Who knew George Michael's "Last Christmas"... was about the coroner?
What will they now call a dust-up in the LGBT community (wait for it ... wait for it ) a bruhaha, of course
What kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees !
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.
Just went down to get my driver's license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they'll just think I'm spastic.
Brace yourselves!! The flowers, candy and jewelry mobile uploads are upon us.....
My thumb keeps attacking my pinky... I've got a civil war on my hands!
THIS is best joke ever :D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVYS0bbB70s&amp;feature=youtu.be
What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.
[halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a six-offender!
What was Bob the Builder called after he retired? Bob.
Didn't support the troops, saw a bumper sticker, now do.
What happens when you double park your frogs? They get toad!
10: What's it like being a grown up? Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn. 10: This is only $2 M: Exactly
"Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" is actually a song about everything that will hurt when you hit about 30 years old.
*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line* *Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette* "It was a... shoeishide"
What do you call really clear urine? 1080p
If two vegans are arguing with each other... ...would it still be considered beef?
Listen, when I say a movie was "cute" I do not mean it was GOOD. A girl saying a movie was cute is just code for "My ovaries liked it."
At the end of each day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?'
I can't believe Lou Gehrig's parents named him after a DISEASE
"Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account...?" hahahaha yeah, that'll go well
I was recently asked my view on lesbians... In HD wasn't the answer they were looking for :/
[date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Wife: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Go up to a guy in a bar and whisper "hey do you wanna get out of here?" and if he says yes, you can sit where he was.
"it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?" yes i am. ... "but i thougt u were gona say something unexp-- oh wow ur good"
My daughter just lost her first tooth! That'll teach her to talk back.
My wife asked me "will you marry someone else if I die?". " Of course not ", I said. "I'm not doing the same mistake twice"
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world... ...those who understand Binary, and those who don't.
Two blonds were driving to disneyland. The sign said: Disney left.. So they started crying and headed home.
I told a woman she'd drawn her fake eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.
Hey, do you follow /r/piratejokes? Arr, there's not much to sea!
A robot had an accident and sustained a head injury. He was a bit upset.
I always play Jenga on a first date That way girls know my pull out game is strong
What do you call a Mexican wrestler that only fights during his 12:00 break? A lunchador.
I told my barber that I didn't like the way he cut my hair. He said "don't worry, it will grow on you."
Gave up on my dream of being a murderer a long time ago. I leave long hair everywhere & everyone knows its mine without doing a DNA test.
To me, girls are like porta-potties. The hotter they are, the less likely I am to get inside of them.
The pope is in Israel with a sheik and a rabbi. If they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!
Is it possible to get steak poisoning? Yes, but it's really rare.
Opposites? What is the difference between light and hard? If a man tries long enough, he can sleep with a light on...
Mona Lisa's Mother If Mona Lisa's mother were Jewish, she would have said: "Mona, bubbeleh, after all the money your father and I spent on your brace, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
How do you now when somebody is retarded on Facebook? Well, its complicated.
What do you call a cow... What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef Jerky.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that little thing?!"
What do you call a person who calls themselves gay when they mean happy? A homophony.
What's an Irish Seven Course Dinner? A boiled potato and a six-pack of Guinness Stout.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
I went to the local buy and sell to see if there were any cool old jack in the boxes. But nothing jumped out at me.
IPhone and Macbook users.
What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar ? Robbery with violets !
What do you call a supernatural being that only grants wishes to men? A miso-genie!
French intelligence joke
Eight dwarves are in a tub, feeling happy Happy got out now they're all fucking grumpy Edit: seven dwarves, sorry
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells. Credit to DBZ. Edit: Not sure why this auto flared to religion....
What do you call a German barber? Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)
Have you ever been in a Native American orgy...? It's fucking intense.
'I'm really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.' 'Woody?' 'Not quite that excited.'
What did Jesus say to Mohammed...? What did Jesus say to Mohammed? 'I died for you' What did Mohammed say in return? 'How many did you take with you?'
I once slept through a burglary. Next thing I know they're taking mugshots.
Why is there a show called "When Animals Attack"? It should be called "When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals."
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great service but no atmosphere.
The main reason I'm single is because every woman I date tries to hoard the red skittles & I'm not cool with that shit.
GOP Congressmen are ripping the Obamacare website for not working for people that need it. Now they know how we feel about GOP Congressmen.
What did the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants say? "Argh it's driving me nuts!"
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
What's the most unfortunate name a prisoner can have? Neil.
I have very bad addiction to wrapping gifts. Every time I open a present, I end up rewrapsing.
When my doctor told me that I am able to astral project at night... ... I was beside myself
I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast
Anal is like brushing your teeth. If you see blood your not doing it enough.
Is the EU working out? It lost a few pounds this summer.
Roman numerals. What are they good IV?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to [I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice] Except maybe that guy
Tim Cook bravely announces he's gay. The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother. "We know, dear."
The new season of House of Cards will be nothing compared to what lies ahead with President Trump!
What do you call a Norwegian prostitute? A fjord escort.
What do you call a gay chickpea? A hummussexual.
How to make a plumber to cry How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family. :)
Your mother is like a Christmas raffle. $1 a strip.
shit i lost the instructions to my shampoo and now there's blood EVERYWHERE
Shouldn't brothels be called "hoe-tels"? I apologise for any loss of brain cells caused by this joke...
Dad, i know I'm adopted Hi adopted, im not dad.
Who was the first carpenter ever? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.
can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? Oh wait, I don't have a garage. Sorry neighbor I'll clean them out tomorrow.
Have you ever heard a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Probably not. The P is silent.
Why are rich people so concerned with etiquette? Because they have a lot of manors.
The best argument for "the sequel is never as good as the original" is birds v. dinosaurs.
Did you hear that Trump said he'd eliminate food safety regulations? It's the only way they can bring Trump steaks back.
If Amy Schumer was a football player, what team would she play for? The Stealers.
just saw a political argument on twitter that ended with everyone deciding that they disagreed but respected each other's opinions lol jk
Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'? Now you have to say "Jamaal can you please paint the fence".
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they're all like "we need to talk."
I don't trust trees... They're a little shady... And they killed my dog.
The story of the co-pilot shows what happens if you don't deal with depresion You will just bring down others
Persian joke Yesterday I was so hungry, I went to the sandwich shop and ordered Ham e Cheese. ....  means "every thing". (first timer here, be gentle)
What do Pedophiles hand out after dinner? Under eights
What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into? Difficult
Just for once I wanna be able to say "It wasn't my fault" without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault
Wanna know why santa doesn't have any children It's because he cums once a year and its down your chimney
My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex for my birthday I'ts nice, but i think they misunderstood me when i said: i wanna watch
Girl: I think we should just be friends Me: ya okay, but I get to be Chandler!
Newark International Airport: You want urine on the floor? We got urine on the floor!
My favorite toilet in my house is broken Guess I'll have to make doo with my other one
My favorite machine in the gym is the water fountain.
Oh the Irony.... My predictive text doesn't know how to spell Nostradamus.
Bathroom Break A client told me she had to cut our meeting short to go to the bathroom.... she was full of shit.
A cannibal once ate a fortune-teller for dinner. He liked his medium rare.
Me: I love you. 5 yr: I love you too. Me: I love you more than you'll ever love me. 5 yr: Okay
i don't do crossfit, i cross "fit" off my list of goals. way easier.
My friend asked me to change a dollar bill to four quarters... ...so I tore it in half twice.
An Islamic terrorist walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Good evening, sir! Would you like some alcohol?" The terrorist replies, "Yes, Allah-t of it!"
Why do vultures find it easy to fly? They only ever have carrion baggage.
I've forgotten how to "hang out" with people if alcohol isn't involved.
If I were to ask you out, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?
Yesterday in the World Cup, England beat Germany for the first time in recorded history. In fact, it's the first time England has won anything on the 4th of July.
Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles?  They can't get their heads in the jar.
German girls are really kinky... I was having sex with one and she kept yelling "nein nein nein" So I said "I thought you were twelve but I'll keep going"
Bill Cosby has finally agreed to an interview to discuss the accusations of rape. He invited Katie Couric up to his hotel room for a quick drink and a chat.
Go 3 days without your favorite thing. Then go 3 days without sleep. It turns out sleep is actually your favorite thing.
How can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky? He's got one clean finger!
Cannibal (N.) ~ Someone who is fed up with people.
My top 5 exercises: -jumping to conclusions -flying off the handle -carrying things too far -dodging responsibilities -pushing my luck
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes? Me: Because they're ballet dancers 9: Why didn't they just get taller girls?
you got to be fast to make it in advertising kid. gotta be snappy. gotta be clever. how would you sell a car? thats right: titties
What does a spanglish speaking chicken say when it's sorry? I apollogize.
What's the difference between a baloon and a condom? When a balloon pops - there's one less. When a condom pops - there's one more. Or more.
Nothing says "I don't take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man? Impersonating a police officer.
A dyslexic man robs a bank.... He then reads aloud "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!!!"
To my future wife: When I die I want you to mix my ashes in a bowl of chilli from wendi's, then eat it. Just so I can tear that ass up one more time.
Bruce Willis marks his height on his bedroom wall. He started doing it 2 years ago & it's just an increasingly thick line at the same height
I gave up cursing for lent The next day I went over to confession and told my priest, "I hope I don't fuck this shit up."
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me.
I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.
How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter. All they're going to do is stand around and talk about changing it.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They pushed two twins together to make a king.
What's the difference between a very old shaggy Yeti and a dead bee? One's a seedy beast and the other's a deceased bee.
I want this Twitter account to outlive me by 100 years. I want my grandchildren to read my Tweets and say, "Holy fuck. She was so weird."
What goes in big and hard and comes out soft and soggy? Bubble gum.
I went to a casting for the lead role in a midget porn film. I didn't get the part, but I was told I made the short list.
So, a friend of mine claims to be really body-positive, but... ...I saw him comment on a picture of a fat woman in Wal-Mart comparing her to a pachyderm. I told him to stop being so hippo-critical.
"To serve and protect."
Why does the leprechaun laughs when it runs? Because the grass tickles its balls
"Jared" from Subway recently posted an image on Reddit of him sucking a minor's penis ... ... he later deleted the image and replied "Oops, wrong sub."
Have you guys heard the story about the butter? You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around.
What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters? White noise
My sister asked me who sings the 'Black Beatles' song [OC] I told her probably John Melanin.
I remove my license plates before using the McDonald's drive-thru in case I need to throw my drink in the cashier's face.
Star Wars Spoilers (not really) Dumbledore dies!
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me. She blamed it on pregnancy brain. I asked her if she was having triplets.
Captain Ahab's crew were highly efficient sailors In fact, they were running like a whale oiled machine.
By now Waldo must be wanted for tax evasion.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no *body* to go with
How do dogs save for retirement? With a Ruff IRA.
I have but one greviance with the airplane pilots. Fantastic chaps, but good God, they're never grounded.
My father trusted no one. Even had a saying about it. But he wouldn't tell me.
What do you get when you cross the CIA with information about it? ****
Whats long and black? the unemployed line.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Why Doe's Ellen Pao suck? Because of my big tits.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because *pepper* makes them sneeze!
Did you hear the one about the guy who had to go to the ER with six toy horses in his anus? They listed his condition as stable.
Doctor: I have two pieces of bad news for you. One is that you have cancer and is going to die soon. The other is that you have Alzheimers. Patient: Oh. But at least I don't have cancer.
When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think "wow, whoever sat here was very thin".
What's the difference between kindergarteners and /r/Jokes? Kindergarteners are creative.
My wife...she says I can be a jerk some times I think it's nice of her to give me permission like that.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... except when you're at a funeral.
What do you call a model flying an airplane full of animals? Zoolander
Why do people call memes "dank"? Because they release dopameme!
What do you call a happy penguin? A pengrin!
Why didn't Hitler drink whisky? Because when he drank whisky, he got *mean*.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
A funeral stone: This is where rests in peace an attorney, a good and honorable man A guy passing buy is shocked: " Wow! I never knew they can bury 3 people in the same grave."
It's that time of year I'm just going to say it now so I can say I said it first I'll see you guys next year Now shut the fuck up with that joke
I approve of free range parenting the meat just tastes better.
You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
I was running this morning.... I was running in the park this morning, I find it really hard to push myself. So I stopped so the police could arrest me.
Nerd joke A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."
So I was sitting in traffic the other day... got run over.
A sergeant and two men from his unit walk into a bar 'Would you like to play pool?' The sergeant asked the attractive barmaid. 'No thanks darling' she replies. 'I'd rather play with your privates.'
Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot
When did you stop beating your wife? When we stopped having masturbation races.
How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you
What is the definition of a caterpillar ? A worm in a fur coat !
What's the difference between a tiger  and a lion ? A tiger has the mane part missing !
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Roses are red Violets are Glorious Don't play hide and go seek with Oscar Pistorius.
I invented something to keep the inside of my car quiet. It fits right over her mouth.
You may want to check out my new book on masturbation. It's called "50 ways to love your lever"
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Home Alone (1990) A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
What's the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet
[bald eagles exchanging gifts] *holds out gift* You didn't get me a toupee again, did you? -Uhh... *slowly pulls gift back*
I actually talked to real people this weekend. It was weird.
Did you hear the one about the sidewalk? It's all over town!
I'm like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
What's the difference between a slut and a bowling ball? Nothing....you find them both in an alley, finger the holes, throw them in the gutter, and they keep coming back.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked. Edit: Think LONG and HARD about it.
What is the fastest speed a woman can go ? 68, because when she turns 69 she blows a rod.
What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? Every night they pop open a cold one.
We may not be able to call black people the N-word But we can say things like "hey dad" and "have a nice day officer."
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy? Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Have you heard about the new super-popular broom that came out? It's sweeping the nation
Kids are like farts You only accept them if they're yours
Just thought I caught my wife looking at porn; turns out she was shopping for underwear for herself. What a fucking pervert.
Facial scrubs with bits of fruit in them are a pretty big "fuck you!" to third world countries.
Kids are like farts... I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.
If you wear a ship's captain's hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Gonna start a matchmaking site for very old people called Carbon Dating
Husband: "Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?" Wife: "Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce Shall we go out and have a cake'!"
I was going down in a girl and said "you've got a massive vagina vagina" She said "you didn't have to say it twice" I said " I didn't didn't"
A Banana and a Vibrator are sitting on a bedside table the banana says "I dont know why YOU'RE shaking, she's gonna fucking eat ME"
[standing next to the boss at the urinal] Ok, don't act weird. "That's some impressive bladder volume, sir."
What was the bear's favourite pick-up line? Hey baby, what's ursine?
What's brown and sticky? Muhammed Ali opening a can of coke
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn't recognize it when it's wearing horn rimmed glasses
Exclamation points are cocaine for sentences!
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
What shape does a muppet follow when throw through the air? Pa-Ra-Bo-La (do doooo do dodo)
NEW! TOP 100 TAZERS IN AMERICA!! #45 WILL SHOCK YOU!
1am: Huh, I'm not tired... 2am: I feel great! Maybe I don't need sleep? 3am: LET'S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I'VE EVER HAD. 3:04am: Euthanise me.
Good thing it's Valentines day, cause I woke up with a massive heart on!
what do you call a sleeping dinosaur? do you think he saurus
Damn boy are you a banker? Because I really just want you to leave me a loan.
Why would they add "twerk" to the dictionary? People that would use said word can't read.
I might commit suicide at lunch today... ...and mix all of the soft drinks together!!!
Billy wanted to learn how to juggle... ...but he never had the balls to do it
What's the only thing in Australia that won't kill you? Old Age
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Thom Yorke's phone thinks someone is listening in on its calls... ...delusional iPhone.
What does a Mexican use to cut pizza? Little Caesars
A girl melon... ...is in love with a boy melon. When her father finds out they want to get married he tells her "I'm sorry honey, but you cantaloupe"
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast? this morning I had bacon and eggs.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight rises.
Anyone who's says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", has obviously never gone through a divorce.
What does an empathetic kleptomaniac do in an argument? He puts himself in the other person's shoes and then walks away.
I came here to tell a Mexican joke But that could be crossing a line.
A man walks up to God and asks, "are you an ass man or a titties man?" He replies, "I'm a soul man"
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN'T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
A Teacher in Wales got arrested They found a pencil, a ruler and a geometry set square. Allegedly he was part of the Al-gebra network and purchased "weapons of math instruction"
How do you fit 4 gay men on one bar stool? Turn it upside down.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum* how do you feel? "with my hands" let's give it a minute
What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes? No-eyed-deer!
What kind of girls date firefighters? Hose.
Mexico is starting to build a wall They're worried about the Americans crossing the border when Trump is elected.
What's the diffrence between a Chickpea and a Gorbanzo bean? I woun't pay a 100 bucks for a Gorbanzo bean on my face.
Hey moms! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"
A guy with a gun enters a bar... "Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" He snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
Bad cooking and sex Husband: Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV. Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry no professionals."
What do you get if you stick ur finger up a moderators ass? [DELETED]
Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.
A girl was giving me crap in math class. I told her to absolute value her attitude.
Beer without alcohol is like a vibrator with no batteries... It fills you up nicely but lacks the buzz...
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
What do you call a fish out of water? Dry! As told by my 3 year old son.
Knock KNOCK Who's there? Orange Orange who? ORANGE YOU HAPPY I DIDN'T SAY ORANGE   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  v  v              TLDR I'm dead on the inside
Life is like a penis Simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.
What's your grandma's favourite social media? Instagran
13: Mom, you look younger every day. M: What do you want? 13: A new skateboard. M: How young? 13: 29 M: Done.
What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? Guardians of the Galaxy!
When covering gay marriage debates avoid asking "which of you is the woman?" It's the shorter guy.
One time I walked into KFC It was dark in there.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
What gives a ghost the right to haunt people? A haunting license
Q: How many Librans does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: Er two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts make that two. Is that okay with you?
Have you heard the new Google Glass ad? You can talk to your mate while they are sitting on you face!
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day. I'm sorry. Edit: FFS guys it's a ruddy joke. It doesn't have to be scientifically accurate
I've only ever been wrong once... And that was one time last year when I thought that I was wrong but I wasn't.
Being single is nice because I don't have to repeat my mumbled gibberish in a defensive tone.
Why did Jesus stop playing Hockey? Because he got nailed into the boards (It's a joke not to insult anyone)
What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles.
ageism fascinates me because it's the only ism with this built-in inevitable irony. like, no racist gradually changes into a hispanic
How do you convince your neighbor to share their water with you? Try to get a long well.
[feeding baby] Here comes the plane! *baby swallows food* wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk
When did intentionally misspelling words become a thing? Kewl? Gurl? You know what I dig? Literacy.
I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt I can't fucking take it
A Russian teaching his son the spelling of assassination One ass behind another ass, behind that I, and behind me the whole nation.
With elections coming soon, my coworker asked me who my favorite president was. I said JFK, because he's so open-minded.
two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast 1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon? A. A Dino-sour 2.Q. Were do robots go to worship? A. Mech-a
What is the most popular dating website in the south? Ancestry.com
What are your best political jokes?
"I'm a model." I see. And does anybody else know that?
So I the ceo of apple came out as gay I guess their iphones really are bent
What's the difference between mathematicians and Syrian refugees? Mathematicians don't struggle with integration.
Whats the difference between a Jew and a vending machine? What's the difference between a Jew and a vending machine? Vending machines give you your change back.
Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use a urinal? Because the p is silent.
How do you get a New Yorker upset about ISIS terror attacks? Tell them ISIS are Red Sox fans.
the liberal media won't report that I can easily do 100 push-ups because they are frightened
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died... She was attacked by a giant crab.
I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.
Rest in peace Dave "The Diamond" Clancy, and any other celebrity I just made up.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] "he looks like you" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though
Pssst! I'm voting. Does anyone know the answer to #4? And who do I show my tits for extra credit? That old lady doesn't look interested.
How do you know when it's NotTheOnion? When they're still running pieces on Hillary Clinton.
How do you know when it is bedtime at a pedophile's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
Me: Goodnight Moon *Moon favs but doesn't reply*
How many hobos does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in dumpsters
Stop telling jokes about Zionism. Israeli offensive.
got kicked out of the supermarket for eating off of the shelf, but since I was only eating cat food they didnt call the cops like last time.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor? Me: I just did 438 sit ups. 8: sounds legit. I've taught her well.
I bet sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.
So if he didn't invent the internet... then why does everything in it run on "Al Gore rhythms"?
I've been calling my husband "babe" for five years because I'm too embarrassed to tell him I forgot his name.
Do you know what a 9V battery and an asshole have in common? No matter how hard you try, you're eventually going to press your tongue to it.
How do you suffocate a redneck? Tape his mouth shut.
Why are muslim charities the worst to donate to? Because they are for prophet.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee. Free
Police in Yorkshire have discovered a new method of taking Ecstasy, where users dab it into their mouths... E by gum
My First reddit Joke: Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware store? Because he was looking for a tight seal!
Knock knock.. (feat. My 9yo brother) Knock knock.. \*sigh..\* Who's there? Interrupting doctor Interrupting doct-- You have cancer.
I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel But it takes up too much space in my freezer
I was tired of the fascist dictator who ran the Bird Imitators Society.. So I took control with a violent coup.
adopted son son: mom i am 100% sure i am adopted, you do not Love me. mom: if we have had adopted a child, we would have adopted the one with better face.
What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis. BTW. I know this is not a medially accurate joke
I wrote a terrible race joke today. My friends told me never to tell it. Here it is: Why was the white man chasing the black man? Because he was in first place.
I use bitcoin. That's my joke.
What's the worst part of... About locking your keys in your car outside the abortion clinic? Going in to ask for at coat hanger.
Oedipus the King You know, Oedipus the king really gives new meaning to the term "mother fucker".
Fortune Teller recruitment Come if you are accepted for the job
The greatest joke of all time... Android.
How many computer scientists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware problem
Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just "let it go". My 6 year old told me this. I will show myself out now...
Cinderella (2014) - A despotic prince with a foot fetish forces all female citizens of his kingdom to undergo mandatory DNA testing.
Do you know how to get a witch pregnant..... You fuck her
Did you hear about the porno at the campground? It was fucking in tents.
Boss: We're all human. We all make mistakes. Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]
I found a lone sock left in the laundry room and I thought to myself, "poor sole".
What can you get off with your finger that you can't get off with steel wool? Your girlfriend.
I saw my friend's kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like "good luck guys" and walked away. I'd be a great mother.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours... I always said I'd retire from comedy if I hadn't "made it" by 30. ...So I've got like 4 hours left
"I'm very sorry, but you will die soon", said the doctor "How soon?", the frail man asked, his body trembling at every word. "In ten." "Ten what? Ten years? Ten-" "Nine." "Eight."
June was sore. She scolded Ward Cleaver. "You were awfully hard on the Beaver last night Ward!!"
Damn girl, are you Jamaican? 'Cause Jamaican me crazy!
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Poor clutch control.
Who wants to go to walmart and show off our teeth?
Don't hate the playa', hate the white girl who says playa'.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right? Guy in front row: that's a ham. Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Good steak jokes are rare They are a rare medium well-done
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
Two men walk into a bar... ... but a third man ducks.
What do you call an addiction to dead black people? Negrophelia.
You can tell a lot about someone from the books they read, the things they say and how they conduct themselves in their personal life.
My blonde girlfriend froze In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".
How the hell does shit hit a fan, exactly? Who is throwing shit around? Why would they do it in a room with a fan? Crazy shit pitchers.
What's the difference between your girlfriend on her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.
To be honest, I really don't give a f*ck. I lose friends, make friends and make enemies everyday. Regardless, I'm still going to be me...
What is the definition of torque? When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
whats the difference between the USA and a yogurt? If you leave a yogurt unwatched for 500 years it will develop its own culture.
What do you call a moody bear? A bi-polar bear.
Why were all the gays winning poker in the 40's? Because they had to keep a straight face
Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.
My circumcision left me quite sore. I couldn't walk for two whole years!
Back home from the chinese paralympics.
I went to an airport the other day. As I was about to catch a plane, I thought "My dog would be proud."
What should you do if you get lots of e-mails saying 'What's up Doc? What's up Doc?' Check for bugs in your system.
[META] Dark humor is not funny Especially when it steals your wallet.
What serious crime has Michelle Obama done? Fucking a monkey! Beastiality is still illegal in most states!
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandpa. Not screaming in terror like all of those people in his car.
Did you hear about the restroom for pencils? It's for #2 only.
My jeans smell weird so I guess I should wash them in two weeks.
What do a politician and a sperm have in common? One in thousnads has a chance to e a human being. ~Edit: I edited the title.
I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations but all brooms are pretty much the same.
Superman Joke Your clear history button has saved more lives than Superman
How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower. Hand her a shovel!
If you are what you eat Does that make Jeffery Dahmer a young man?
I used to be the 2nd best boxer in North America... I boxed in over 100 matches and always came 2nd
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman... I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My 11 y/o brother told me this What is pickle bread before its baked? Dill dough
How many feet do 2 black chickens have?
My hair is beautiful.* *Conditioner applied.
How did Jesus like his chicken? Crucifried
I auditioned for a TV show for people with broken bones. I didn't make the cast.
How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and another to stand around and say 'FABULOUS!'
Friend: What time is it? Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away) Friend: Well? Me: Well what?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa's door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas. I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If you take half from a half dollar what do you have? A dollar.
me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that
All this reddit drama tends to run together on me... Like banksters on a Republican ticket.
Some people don't like fracking But the alternative is boring!
I should never read tweets at work because I laugh out loud and everyone asks what's funny and I have to say this excel spreadsheet.
How do you drown a hipster? In the main stream
A dan walked into a barr. And Roseanne said watch where you are going!
What do a 275lb white lady and a 275lb cinder block have in common? A Mexican is going to lay them one day
What is metallic and if enters through your eye can kill you? A train
Why doesn't Trump want to release his tax returns? HUUUUUGE write offs for plastic bed sheets.
I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it's like what am i, your maid
[stewardess] "Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time"
What is the hardest part about firing a black man? Waiting for him to show up.
There's something so sexy about a woman who has all the physical characteristics that I was conditioned by the media to find attractive.
Everyone on the planet is such a hypocrite and so self-centered Oh, except for me of course
What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs? Methed Up
Why did the scarecrow receive an award? ...because he was out standing in his field.
"I'm so hard right now" - math
What do you call a fire on the beach? Bernie Sanders
My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight.. When I went downstairs the debate was on.
what do Nazis drive? Auchwhips
Kid, are you a nuclear reactor? Because you're having a meltdown.
The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight and it's still not over.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Ladies call me "the turkey sandwich" because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I'd never be on a reality show, but only because I wouldn't want my mom to see the faces I make when I'm talking to her on the phone.
The Only Thing Better Then a Yom Kippur Breakfast is a Yom Kippur Lunch.
Chewbacca started a website that exposed all the secrets of the Empire, it's called Wookieeleaks.
What's the shortest way to the front page? Up vote to find out.
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil
The Air-force Cadets get Red Bull in their ration packs Because apparently it gives them wings
What do you call it when your Arab parents disaprove of your girlfriend? Harambe
What does a Trumpie say when they see video of Trump saying the N-word? "I can't believe how racist Shillary is for showing this video."
What did the 7-Eleven employee say to his wife after sex? Thank you, cum again.
What's the difference between a female and a freezer? A freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat into it!
I'd like to propose a toast... To burning bread. Will you marry me?
What do you call a dog without front legs? Chester.
What kind of tape do kidnappers use? abDUCT tape
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn't know it was even possible to be this jealous.
yo mama joke I got a yo mama joke thats almost as stupid and ugly as yo mama
An only child invented the boomerang.
If you're american in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European!
Why was Nikola Tesla a fan of Marvel? Because he didn't like DC...
Don't have phone sex... ...you might get hearing aids.
"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."
Who would win in a fight? A bicycle wheel or an old book? Well, it's hard to say. One's pumped and the other's ripped.
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people.
Top of my Med School Class: I don't just play God, I win. *definitely not remotely true*
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I know my computer doesn't have a virus because I've never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Dear millionaires, If you don't have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you're spending it wrong.
What do you call a short physic that has escaped from jail? A small medium at large
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn't murdered her.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it's hard work.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK Rowling.
Why did the paper follow the pencil? Because it LED THE WAY! I'm on a roll here! this is fun! ~Skip
What's the only thing better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.
Can't wait to walk down the aisle. The frozen food aisle. Marry me, ice cream.
Some people are down to earth while others are not quite far down enough.
Women go crazy only once a month for 30 days.
What's the most useless thing about a knife? The 'K'
*wipes pizza grease & sauce off mouth* *eats napkin*
What did the passive aggressive raven say to Edgar Allen Poe? "...ugh nevermind"
Two old guys were chatting in the park. "You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.
How can you tell that a black person used your computer? It's gone.
Where does Ben Carson spend most of his time on Reddit? /r/explainlikeimfive
You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn't have an entire section labeled "Teen Paranormal Romance."
We should probably stop all the 'Leo never won an Oscar' jokes... ...it's now irrevenant.
Every year fewer people train to become morticians. Some say it's a dying business.
Walking condoms Two condoms are walking down the street. As they pass a gay bar one turns to the other and says.... you wanna go inside and get shit faced?
how many pop punkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? five, one to drop it and four to two step and PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!
What's the difference between a black man and a white man in the US? A white man makes it to prison.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat! *throws cat at Kinko's employee
George Zimmerman is selling his gun I'm sure he'll make a killing.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I am the big shot at my new job. I am the human cannonball at the circus.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Biafra ! Biafra who ? Biafra'id be very afraid !
Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Blind Date I went on a blind date once. It wasn't a good time because the dog kept getting in the way.
What's the difference between a dog and a cyclist? When you run over a dog you don't have to go back and get the GoPro.
What kind of noodles do they eat in the hood? Spaghetto.
Funny how we say "I drank a *pot* of coffee" instead of "I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beryl ! Beryl who ? Beryl of beer !
What do neutrinos and I have in common. We are both constantly penetrating your mom.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Which dance will a chicken not do ? The foxtrot !
I'm so sorry What would you call the Islamic State if they tried to take over Antarctica? Ice-is I'll show myself out.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I ubered four black guys last night.. They were very nice. They let me out of the car and drove themselves to the destination
How do you pick up my ex girlfriend? With a broom and a dustpan.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That shit hurt.
did you know Arnold Palmer was a real human before he became a drink made by Arizona
Whats an iPhone 7's favorite brand of frozen pizza? Not Jack's.
You have beautiful eyes. Too bad they're attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.
Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.
Patriot - n. someone who wears a flag pin while moving a corporation overseas to avoid taxes
People who love Trump hate themselves. Or Mexicans.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a Lickalotopuss
Why did the blonde throw tic-tacs in her spaghetti? The recipe told her to mints her garlic.
What kind of poker do stoner cows play? High Steaks
A giraffe walks into a bar He says "High balls on me!"
I was in math class and my teacher asked "What comes after 69?" Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Don't make jokes about 9/11... they're just plane wrong.
I'm writing a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book about being in a Chinese family. No matter what page you turn to, you're never good enough
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
"And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."
Heard the one about the three blondes that  went ice fishing and didn't catch anything? By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.
How are the Twin Towers and Gender Similar? There used to be two, now it's offensive to talk about.
Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The Wheelchair (Dont hate me)
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bed ! Bed who ? Bed you can't guess who I am!
If there was a hooker named Barbie ... And she was really good at her job, would the line outside her apartment be called the Barbie queue? Edit: spelling
I've always wanted to be a comedian... But I have a tremendous fear of being laughed at.
Sometimes Victoria's Secret is Victor's secret on weekends.
I hate pedophiles they're fucking immature assholes!
What do you call an Asian flying a plane? A pirate.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest actually accomplishes something after it's triggered.
What do you call slapping hands with (5^.5+1)/2? A high phive! I'll see myself out now.
[couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
What's the difference between a fedora clad Brony and an egg? The egg gets laid!
I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh. after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".
The longest minute in the world is the one between finishing SkyMall and waiting for them to allow electronics.
What do Viagra and Disney World have in common? A one-hour wait for a two-minute ride
If you're reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.
I think I may be allergic to women everytime they touch my penis the damn thing just swells up like crazy.
I tried to read a book on Nordic countries, but... I tried to read a book on Nordic countries, but I couldn't Finnish.
I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there he said he couldn't complain.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I saw two kids fighting in the elementary school playground this morning. Being the only adult around, I had to step in. They did not stand a chance.
Why do Dale Earnhardt Sr fans hate Trump? Because Trump wants to build a wall... and a wall killed Dale Earnhardt.
Whenever I browse an NSFW Subreddit . . . . . . I always sort it by Hot.
How many French people does it take to bake a baguette? 8. Because then they have wheat.
I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
What's the difference between blacks and cancer cells? Cancer cells can get Jobs.
"Well, this isn't helpful at all."  Termite watching "Gettin' Wood" on Cinemax
asked my little bro for a couple of chips... he brought me three, said 2 were a couple and the third was my side chip
Autocorrect is like the kid in class who got ONE right and now he won't stop raising his hand.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags. Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.
How did Han Solo enter the world? On the perineum falcon!
A man was looking under a microscope . He couldn't see anything. Suggest a reason why. He was blind...
Great feats are always about timing. You think Hitler would have killed that many Jews four thousand years ago?
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
Got a reality check today It bounced.
Jesus is really mad at me, and I don't know why. I even said have a good friday!
Father Christmas: Excuse me but did I step  on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the right row!
What kind of quack doctor prescribes an odd number of pills for OCD?!
"are u crying?" "no I just have swag in my eye"
Do you know what grinds my gears? I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes.
Now that I have teenagers I understand why some animals eat their young.
Why do Nuns always wear Black &amp; White? No particular reason, it's just a habit they have.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying "present company excluded of course" after highly offensive statement
Today i meet a man with a glass eye He didn't tell me, it just popped out in the conversation
If Pingu started a metal band... It would be called Slipnoot
You can stop lifting weights now; it's actually your personality that nobody likes.
You mama's so skinny ....she can hang glide with a dorito!
Who corrects Santa's grammar? A subordinate Clause.
Who has more sense a woman or a wall? The wall. It knows how to keep its mouth shut, do its job, stay fuckin put!
A Jew walks into a bar... ...and leaves
What do you call the annual cat beauty pageant? The adora-bowl.
I kayak. Canoe?
The ex says he's come into some money and can finally "take care" of me. Wait...he's gonna have me killed isn't he?
What do Hillary Clinton and The Queen have in common?..... They're both hated by republicans
2 men walked into a bar And their head hit first.
If you turn your underwear inside out and put them on, the whole universe is wearing your underwear except for you.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I wanted venison for dinner But my wife said it was a little deer.
Momma didn't raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
The person that was in charge of naming Ohio must have thought of it when they realized someone was waving at the person behind them.
Had to buy rat poison last week. I'm with a really huge problem at home. Can't stand my roomate.
Someone should start an organization called People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals. They'd all be knows as a bunch of PUTAs
I read in the paper about a hooker starting her own business.... They said that she had a good soft-opening.
What's black and screaming? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
If Goku used his kamehameha at Jesus Then Jesus is doomed, because even if he blocks the kamehameha, it would spill through the holes in his hands.
I have this horrible tofu joke I'm afraid to post... It's really tasteless.
Wanna see some black magic? Sorry, i meant African American Magic
being narcoleptic is so boring it's snooze worthy :) :) :)
I'm thinking about trying steroids... I hear they're all the rage!
Why didn't the camgirl show up for work? She wasn't feeling herself that day.
It's really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs. The more you know.
What insect runs away from everything ? A flee !
RT if you just read Facebook for the ads
So I heard a bad joke about a prostitute... It was whoreible.
I wrote a limerick on a train yesterday There once was a fella named Rick Who started to date this hot chick But brief was romance For tucked in her pants This bitch the whole time had a dick.
What did the german with food allergies say? Gluten Nacht
I like my women like I like my cellphone plan... Free on nights and weekends.
A rabbi and a Catholic priest were talking When the priest asked the rabbi - "When will you ever eat from my food?" To which the rabbi immediately responded - "At your wedding"
What do you call a prostitute with her hands down her pants? Self-employed
I thought of a great joke about turkey coups. I would tell you, but it would probably fly right over your head.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph. He's too short to be an ese
Morning radio DJs are just reading the Internet to old people.
I used to trust my farts..... But then shit got real.
Asked an artist friend if he does nude portraits He charges by the pound
What's a grammar teacher's favorite dessert? SYNONYM ROLLS!
I'm doing the vacuuming.. It doesn't need doing but it's a legitimate way of annoying the kids
So Snookie is pregnant 10 to 1 odds all the baby's pictures have the duck face....
I like my jokes like I like my coffee. The same stuff seven times a day.
To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.
My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don't see why he can't just clean it off his desk, and move on.
What do you call 'looking for a Korean'? Seoul searching
Why did it take a strong thief to steal a manhole cover? Because only he could pull it off.
"Your son's been involved in a shenanigan" What kinda shenanigans? "It was just one shenanigan" You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
A Tumblr user walks into a DIY store..... A Tumblr user walks into a DIY store and steals one item. He take a fence
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beck ! Beck who ? Beckfast of champions !
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me: How's it look? Doc: You have 2 months to live M: WHAT?? You're my dentist! D: Then you don't need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[job interview] Him: What's your greatest strength? Me: I'm very independent. Him: ... Me: ... Him: ... Me: Tell him, Mom. Mom: He is!
So Helen Keller walks into a bar Then she walks into a table. Then she walks into a lamp. Then she walks into the wa- ok, you get the idea.
How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem? He worked it out with a pencil.
What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel!
Knock Knock Whos there Ellen Ellen who? Ellen Pao Oh k lol stay out.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bones ! Bones who ? Bones upon a time... !
Going to a restaurant alone makes me feel like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park Everyone is just there to watch me eat.
Why do women have legs? So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
What does a rock do all day? Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)
 Client not paid?  Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Fashion Facts - Adam was the first designer- with his Eden line of clothing Eve wore his first creation- the ribbed t-shirt with fig leaf
While in bed, my girlfriend said, "OMG it's so large!" Problem is, I'm a serious arachnophobe, and it was right next to me.
So my son asked me where his sunglasses are. I said "I don't know, where are my dadglasses?"
What do you call it when you build a second portal on minecraft? Anether(another) Nether
The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? You may have to give me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Back in my day, you didn't even know who was calling you when your phone rang. Shit was scary.
[bono dressed as magician] "think of a song any song" purple haze "right n- no, a U2 song" oh ok um.. elevation? "ok now.. check your phone"
A man walks into a bookshop and says, "can I have a book by Shakespeare?" "Of course, Sir, which one?" The man replies, "William."
Knock Knock Who's there? The pilot
Jews rated their trip to Auschwitz: ##**They all gave it one star.**
If I could pick any super power it would be... echo sound location so I could see with my eye's closed.
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? you've gotta hand it to her...
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
A Irishman walks out of a Bar
What did the stoner say to his girlfriend? We'd be good together.
How did Darth Vadar know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presence
How do you make a ginger snap? Call them "carrot top"
You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."
I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
What's the most common time to see the dentist? Two Thirty.
If TGIF means "Thank God It's Friday" Does SHIT mean "So Happy It's Tuesday?"
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds. Then felt glad that I don't have to water them anymore. Suburban life is a roller coaster.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? Camembert!
"Bob's here" Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he's a surgeon? "We only know one Bob and he's an accountant" *arm falls off*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
So my new gardener asked me, for the fourth damn time, which plants needed care. I quickly spun, pointed angrily at the daisies and shouted... "WATER THOOOOOSE!"
What did the tv say to the remote control? "you turn me on"
What do cubs fans do after they win the world series? They turn off their Xbox.
I'm trying to raise a horse but she has insomnia. It's a nightmare.
Fun WWI fact: There are more crashed planes down at the bottom of the ocean than- -crashed submarines in the sky.
Why is Europe like a frying pan? Because Greece is at the bottom.
Why does Floyd Mayweather have "TGIF" written on his boxing shoes? To remind him that "Toes Go in First."
I too found a safe at work and tried opening it... Bank security guard fired at me and police arrested me. It was not safe for me.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up? March 2: I am, good sir April 6: Would you kindly come over? May 9: K
Thanks to the internet I know the actual medical terms for all the ailments that I'm positive I'm dying from.
why do i love bananas so much? they have a peel
TFW you wake up and Trump is elected president Going back to sleep now.
A son asks his father, "Dad, what does gay mean?". "Son, gay means happy", the father replies. "Dad, are you gay?" "No, son, I'm married to your mother"
Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole the calendar? .................they both got 6 months.
You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I'm gonna start performing an exorcism.
Reddit CEO Ellen Pao is such a .. [Deleted]
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Here's a good one my dad told me.. A sober Irishman walks out of a bar..
Che: "Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?" Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] "Independence."
A gay deer eats what ? HEY HEY!!!!
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you're so lazy you think "Meh, whatever. I had a good run."
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You've gotta respect that.
Did I tell you guys about my awesome camping trip? Yea, it was in tents
Why did my grandmother knit a sweater for the pepper. I mentioned it was a little chili.
How do the jews comunicate? With smoke signals
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? IN HIS SLEEVIES! Best used with little kids, or followed by maniacal laughter.
4: can we name the baby Yoko? Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name 4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko? Me: ... 4: ... Me: yes
Why did Michael Jackson always lose in a race? Because he always came in a lil behind.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don't think it's weird when I have jam in my hair.
Why did Michael Jackson go to Macy's? He heard boys' pants were half off.
For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage "Wonderwall" on acoustic guitar and release him back to you
Wanna hear a good dick joke? ...hold on, it's coming.
How does a flight of steps check out a woman? It stares.
First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.
I'm not trying to be mean, but... I'm pretty average.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Don't know To get to the idiots house. Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken
What concert tickets should cost $0.45? 50 cent feat. Nickelback :P
What are Jews better at that anyone else? Concentration
*gets stabbed "Omg that knife was clean right??"
Chipotle Haiku This chipotle is having a poetry contest for some reason. Here's my haiku: Eating chipotle. They messed up my order... Again I will die alone
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn't realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It's causing quite a stir...
The Lakers
Monday: forearms Wednesday: forearms Friday: forearms Sunday: forearms --Popeye's gym schedule
Which actor is a dog's favorite? Bark Ruffaro
What do you call a Korean bulldog? *buldogi*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I dont jelly my dick down your throat.
Every TEDTalk seems like a fake laugh convention.
Why are the Dutch such great bakers? They know their way around an oven...
I was going to drive to the shop to pick up some guacamole... ....but I don't avocado.
Intelligent people are some of the biggest idiots I've ever met.
Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race? I've finally turned a corner in my career.
What is the difference between a bowling ball and a sorority girl? You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball
Some people said my dog was too scared to shit itself... Then I replied "That's why I have to beat them."
Chief Exec: Any Ideas? Writer 1: Talking Animals! Writer 2: How about a Princess? Writer 3: Kill the parents! -Brainstorming at Disney
Reddit has taught me this in case I ever have a daughter. Never ever get a full size mirror installed in her bathroom.
I bought a fleshlight Because fuck it.
A guy with crossed eyes.. ..got stuck between a tree.
Becoming a garbage man isn't hard.... you just pick it up as you go along. ^^^*I'm* ^^^*terribly* ^^^*sorry*
Why do they call them thunder storms and not lightning storms? Thunder storms just *sound* better
Knock knock/Who's there/9-11/9-11 who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!
Where do pens and pencils go on vacation? Pennsylvania
Your mama's so fat she faces an increased risk of heart disease and type II diabetes.
12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
What do you get if you pour boiling water  down rabbit holes? Hot cross bunnies !
Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.
Mexico is now the world's fattest nation, is plagued by gun violence, and has a big problem with illegal immigrants crossing their southern border... I guess they became Americans after all.
What has 40 teeth and holds a monster at bay? My zipper.
one day a soda can got crushed The next day it went to his therapist and said I'm sodapressed
What's the difference between jelly and jam? you can't jelly your dick down someone's throat
Two of my Redditor buddies just "came out" to me. They told me they are OP's
Want to hear an ebola joke? you wont get it
Drill Sgt didn't like me giving unlicensed chiropractic adjustments to the platoon when he told me... Get your hands off my privates!
Girls vs Guys How come that when a women sleeps with a bunch of guys, she is considered a slut but when a man does it, he is considered gay?
Who was the knight that invented the round table? Sir Cumference. (via friend who got this from a street performance group in the England area of Epcot)
I went to the doctor to have a large mole removed from my penis... ...If it happens again they'll inform the police.
Why did Windows skip to 10? Because 7 ate 9.
Knock Knock Who's there? Eat mop
How does loose leaf watch TV? Paper-view
"What the hell was that? What the hell was that? What the hell was that?" (Winning Scriptwriter Submission for Ghost Hunters)
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn't like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Why do accountants get excited on  Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Why did the cop wake up his son? To stop a kid napping.
What is the principle argument for a complex pirate? Arg!
William Howard Taft was so fat... ...he sat in TWO branches of the federal government.
I just saw a stage show about puns... It was a play on words.
One man's cougar is another man's grandmother.
Really struggling on what to get my lady for Christmas this year. I mean, I'd hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarrassing
Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
That's a nice ham you have there It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...
What did Aslan tell Lucy about the Witch and the Wardrobe? It's Narnia business.
I'm too immature for adultery.
"Dad can we get a puppy?" "No but we can get a submarine if you like?" [2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific] "dad I should be at school"
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your throat!
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas. I guess they didn't understand what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".
Did you see that Sargento is going to stop selling shredded cheese? They're trying to make America grate again
Sometimes I watch Spike TV just to be reassured that I'm not even close to being the biggest asshole in the world.
Would you go into the woods? -Tiger Wood
Plane turbulence is caused by flying over hot areas, flying over mountains, and you getting up to use the airplane bathroom
A morning-after pill but for when you accidentally hear a Maroon 5 song
Where does Finn buy groceries (Star Wars FE Spoilers) Traitor Joes.
Two Guys Are Peeing Off a Bridge.. [NSFW] ...The first guy says to the other, "Wow, this water's cold", and the second guy replies, "Yeah, and it's deep too!"
[white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions? *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe. *Biden returns to coloring book*
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Why did the man become a baker? He kneaded the dough.
Vegans don't beat their meat They beat their celery stick.
If a tree falls in the woods.. ..and nobody is around to hear it, then I've found the perfect place for Justin Beiber
Why didn't the American get the burger? ...because the heart attack got him first.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block.
[battle] ME: It's no good. We gotta quit SARGE: Quit? I don't know the meaning of the word M: It means give up S: Oh cool. Lets do that
"Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?" ~My son apparently
An optician fell into his lens grinder... and made a spectacle of himself.
Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
My girl said she need distance and time Still dont know what she's trying to calculate the velocity of...
I hear Tarantino's next movie is about a Sichuan restaurant... It's called "the heatful eat"
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day? Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.
I was on TV last night When I'm drunk, I sleep anywhere.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don't know how you eat that shit".
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ammon ! Ammon who ? Ammon old hand at picking locks !
What's the difference between USA and USB? One has standards
What do silicon and my ex girlfriend have in common? the resistance of both drop when doped.
Why did the mechanic go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to make a van go!
Magnus Carlsen is so hot... I'd give him the d4 if you know what I mean.
[Storm into Octopus Boss' office] I want a raise or I quit! [Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern] NOT THIS TIME
yo momma so fat the back of her neck is like a pack of hot dogs
Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
Why is ink an unwise investment? Because it's a dyeing industry. - This is too obvious a joke to be original, but it came to me during my econ class, and so it's original to me!
I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Christmas It's a great stocking-filler.
How do u get a pool table to laugh? tickle its balls.
I love the way the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
I need ideas for April fools day pranks to play on my SO
I just thought of a good Casey Anthony joke... but if I post it my mom would kill me.
I only make good posts when I'm drunk... Today I celebrate 5 years sober
Today in an elevator, I got off on my floor, hugged the person next to me & said, "You seem like a alotta fun. We should keep in touch.".
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Why don't Asians like bowling Because it's bowring I'm sorry
I heard Nintendo once planned to change Donkey Kong's name for their audience in Germany There, he was originally gonna be called "Danke Kong"
I spend 90% of my time in Texas doing u-turns under highway overpasses trying to get somewhere I can see but can't drive to for some reason.
in the darkest corner of my room, dick cheney sits brooding, waiting til i fall asleep. or it's a lampshade. kinda dark and i'm nearsighted.
It's that pottery scene from Ghost except it's me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
You know how I just broke this huge cookie in half and put the other half away like I wasn't going to eat it? That was funny.
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with building HOV lanes through mountains? Classic case of carpool tunnel syndrome
Do you know why I like camping? Because it's intense.
4-year-old: It's not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can't. Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can't. 4: Want to trade?
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Everyone says I should sign up for a 401k but I don't think I can run that far.
It's strange that most republicans are homophobic... especially when they're obsessed with screwing all the gay guys in the country.
Great pun joke It's difficult to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs because they always take things, literally.
I tried learning trigonometry under the hot sun Only thing i got was a tan
I've got good news and bad news... GOOD NEWS: Hillary lost the presidency BAD NEWS: Trump won the presidency
Why does not a forth-grader ever take the bus home? Because he knew his parents will make him return it.
How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?? Slow down and grab some lube!!
My friend asked me how I got so good at guitar. I told him I'm use to fingering minors.
Why is Barbie never pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much all the same... Once you've heard Jaun, you've heard Jamal
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"
I committed suicide today Never gonna do that shit again Nearly got myself killed
[Offensive] what did the Native Indian girl say while she was having sex? You're crushing my smokes dad.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...
"2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS," I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
German math If a train leaves Berlin travelling east at 30kph and another train leaves Munich travelling south at 25kph. How many Jews can be killed in 5years?
Doc said I need to change my diet... He said I need to eat more caviar and drink more champagne. I said, "Doc, that's crazy! What's this diet called?" He said, "it's a High Fluten diet."
What do you feed an autistic donkey? Ass burgers
(Season 4 spoilers ) Why did a cock named Oberyn Martell kill the KFC cook? "You raped her! ! You murdered her! ! You killed her children! !
Robocop's guns malfunction. Robocop gets sued for manslaughter. Robocop loses his home. Hobocop.
So, a friend of the bride gives her a wedding gift... It is an Elsa mug. Why? Cause she should have let him go.
A thimble, a battleship, a car, a wheelbarrow, a top hat, a dog, a shoe, and an iron walk into a bar... The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here, can't be part of a Monopoly."
What kind of cheese did Medusa eat? Gorgon zola.
What do you call a woman with only one leg? Eileen.
Why was the cookie crying? Because it's mom was a wafer so long.
"I need to talk to you." Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you've ever done. Ever.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba-da-cha!
What two games does Carl Sagan play at the bar? Billiards and Billiards
An Elephant walks into a bar bartender asks why long nose. Elephant: Mind your own fucking business.
What do you call a disabled paedophile? A creepy crawler
Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many have 28 days? All 12
Why was 9 scared of 10 10 8 4 Ha
Overheard my girlfriend discussing her heavy flow. That bitch never told me she could rap.
All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.
Why weren't there any black men in the trojan horse? They couldn't fit.
Whisper out to librarians!
Why did the Baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it
Why There is No Readhead in Hell ? God does not punish twice.
Tumblr is like junk food They're both filled with trans fat.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep ? A sheep that can round itself up !
My wife gets really annoyed when I make sexual requests. The other night, I asked her if we could try the praying mantis'  position and she tore my head off
I deactivated my Facebook so I won't know if any bible verses are "so true" for a while.
Feeling cold? Just stand in the corner of your house, since it's usually 90 degrees
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher "mom" during sex.
I wanted to dress as Glenn Beck for Halloween, but I couldn't find enough ignorance and hate.
currently standing in a crowded elevator by myself holding a plate with a waffle on it everyone looks confused clearly they don't know me
You say "I suggest you join this Facebook group and get 500 free Mafia Wars points" but all I see "Block me."
A confused priest walks into a gay bar and says, "So, let me get this straight."
Karma is only a bitch, if you are.
How do you prove human beings are inherently curious?
Have you noticed that the "&" symbol looks like a guy dragging his ass across the floor?
Why are neutralization reations illegal? They involve assault.
What do you call an exploding box? Your new Note 7 package
Ugly people with great bodies should be required to wear a sign on their back with a picture of their face on it.
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or you're taking sh!t from some @sshole!
What do Japanese Kids, Chinese Democracy and German Humor have in common? All are equally oxymoronic.
My friend made this joke after there was an accident at his gym where him and his friends to parkour. My friend broke toes while doing a wall flip. I guess he got off on the wrong foot.
I wanted a sweater for Christmas... But instead I got a screamer and a moaner
What do you call a group that keeps getting bigger? A crew.
My dad gave me $20 for lunch today I don't know why, a $5 note tastes the same.
My friend's name is Iceewe Neer He sounds like a dick but once you get to know him he's actually pretty chill.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know
Octopus How does an octopus make you laugh? With ten-tickles
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.
How many sith lords does it take to change a light bulb? None. They like it on the dark side.
Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
What do you call it when President Obama and Joe Biden talk shop over a nice dinner? A government man-date. Boom. I'll be here all night.
Q: What insect is good at math? A: An account-ant.
A Canadian man has found a dead mouse in his McDonalds coffee. They just don't seem to put the effort into those happy meal toys anymore.
Why Ireland so rich? Because its capital is always Dublin.
Kim Kardashian is a big fan of Einstein After she discovered he invented reality tv
[first date] Me: so what do you do Date: i'm an accountant Me: oh nice Date: thanks Me: Date: Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
anyone hear about this gravity discovery proving einsteins theory correct? I hear its really making a wave
Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?
Why was the African prostitute arrested for murder? Men kept disappearing in her black hole! (#69BadJokes buy it like everywhere on-line!) ((unless you're a hater of funny stuff ;))
Try not to remember that your brain is the pilot of a meat robot that can't do twenty pushups without dying.
Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.
I went to the doctors today told him "I've got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem". The doctor said, "Don't worry, a lot of wankers sing that".
The World's Shortest Joke - Jimmy Carr Dwarf shortage
How do you confuse one whom is gay? Seven
So my friend came to me for help with his problems, but I really had to go to the bathroom... I left telling him I had shit to do, but really I had a shit to take and no shit to give.
Why was "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because they were "Nazis"!!!! eyyyyy :D
Do what you love and you'll never work a day of your life... Thats why I got a degree in gender studies
What's the atheist's view on God? Nahweh.
The most positive subreddit award goes to... /r/hiv
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
Why do elephants have trunks ? Because they've no pockets to put things in !
So Brazil at the World Cup...
What is like tomato but better? DD-WRT
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Lazy People Fact #5812672793 You were too lazy to read that number
What black and yellow and makes you laugh when it goes off a cliff? A school bus full of black people (Sorry for racism, it is just a joke, nothing personal)
I just got rear ended... ...and as I got out of the car, without even realizing how funny it was, I said "That's a pain in the ass" True story.
I met this one guy who thought killing someone to save many is still wrong. God, what a Kant.
This lady at the store didn't know what a Toblerone was and I've honestly never been more offended in my life.
Ladies, if you've ever walked by a van with no windows and you're reading this, it's because you're ugly.
i still remember the disappointment when i learned that "diuretic" doesn't mean "gives you diarrhea." (it was 20 minutes ago)
[In a cucumber submarine] 1st mate: *inspecting leak* we're taking on saltwater captain Cptn: hm yes looks like we're in quite the pickle
"How much are these glasses?" "$150 sir" "I guess you could say" *puts on sunglasses* *runs out without another word*
My kids had head lice once so please don't tell me about your home invasion...
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bab ! Bab who ? Bab Boone is a real ape !
I was driving down a street with a magician He turned into a driveway
My future wife is... probably texting her boyfriend right now, saying how they are going to be together forever. SIKE! See you in 10 years bitch!
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we'll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Best part of banging a milf What's the best part of having sex with a milf? Leaving with a juice box and bagged lunch in the morning!
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.
What comes between fear and sex? Funf.
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
What position would Obama be if he played football? The half-black
What comes between fear and sex? Funf!
I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.
Why is the story of the Mayan Sacrifice girl so sad? Because she died a virgin!
It's not Amy Schumer's fault that she steals... .. She probably picked it up from all the black guys she banged.
Nigeria's president is up for re-election. Good luck Jonathan!
3 (calls out): daddy I'm cleaning the floor with a mob. Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that's a mob
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.
Nothing is certain but death and Adobe Flash Player updates.
If I'm ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn't "Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart."
What do you call a neolithic taking a walk? A meanderthal
Yesterday was a unique day: half the US voters made the wrong choice. The other half did, too.
[Wedding] "...to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?" [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout. *all of the ghosts boo in unison*
There was an old woman walking her dog A man came up to her and said that's an ugly pig. The woman replied "Sir, that's not a pig." The man said "I was talking to the dog!"
Did you hear what they called the new dog breed from Israel? The Penny Pinscher
Folks, I've thought of a way to save 2016: James Corden and a bus full of celebs singing We Are The World, then the bus goes over a cliff
A turd walks into the doctors office... and says, "I feel like shit."
Why can't a T-Rex clap? Because it's dead.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING. -Amish trash talk
no idea! I told my boyfriend that my mom is old so she needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told my mom my boyfriend is retarded. They have no idea!
I lost my dog and I don't know if I'll ever find him. I don't have collar ID.
Happy 'Ask a goat what month it is month'. Today is the special day when jokes get mystic powers of expression for certain class of words.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person
IMAGINE the trash talk that goes on between Oxford & Cambridge "I say. I heard your mum once went to Wolverhampton" "You take that BACK SIR"
I see your point. You're right. My timing could have been much better. I'm sorry I proposed to you at your father's funeral.
Tea Anyone? | New Daily Jokes
What's angry, fluffy and destructive and gathers inside stringed instruments? Violint
A clown was killed today after his baggy suit caught on the wheels of a passing truck; Newspapers report he was simply a victim of circus pants.
I heard Sylvia Brown died... Bet she didn't see that coming.
My productivity at work has gone down 43% since corporate bought me a swivel chair.
I've been messing about with my ouija board and i asked it if i was gonna get laid tonight. The pointer keeps gliding between the H and the A. It's been half an hour now....
WebMD's slogan should be "It could be nothing.. but its probably cancer."
She said she liked it doggystyle, so I sniffed her butt then peed on the carpet
What did Matthew McConaughey say to DiCaprio about his chances of winning the Oscars this year? It's a fugazi.
What is the difference between a terrorist training camp and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drones.
I bought a LazyBoy chair last year It's still in the package
Dogs can't operate MRI scanners. But catscan.
What do you call presents after you've opened them? Pasts
My dad had the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Yo' daddies house is so old. . . . . . that when you ring the doorbell the toilet flushes. Booyah!
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He's a violent psychopath that wants to kill you *things i learned from horrors
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
If you had a choice between world piece and a million dollars, what color Ferrari would you buy?
PJ time - Slogan behind an auto rickshaw I couldn't afford Volkswagen. Thus, Auto
The downvote button is not a disagree button.
Why is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, those who don't, and.. those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the Fresh Prints
Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He made him an offer he couldn't understand.
"I'm so over you." - A blanket.
I ran into a dance club for people with back problems It was called the Slipped Disco
Velcro. It's a rip off.
"Surely I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." I wonder why rich men didn't just chop up the camel first...
Why did the blonde girlfriend's bellybutton hurt? Because her boyfriend was blonde too! Take a second. I'll show myself out.
Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.
Why the fuck do babies enjoy being thrown in the air? How terrifying would it be if a giant repeatedly tossed you above their head?
This year I'm going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
5 dicks So I was at a bar and couldn't help but notice the guy next to me was pissing with 5 dicks. I was like "Krakens! How do those even fit in your pants?" He replied "They fit like a glove."
Schroedinger either gave the best or the worst presents.
So I'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance.
There are assholes, and then there are people who applaud after movies.
Why couldn't the octopus take off her bra? It had suction cups.
What do you do when your mother-in-law is swaying towards you? You pull the trigger again.
Jared Fogel better not drop the soap in jail. He might not enjoy those footlongs as much.
What do you call a Mexican Baptism? Bean Dip.
In Germany things generally go from bad to Wurst.
Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
What's the difference between a terrorist training facility and a preschool? How the fuck should I know, I'm just the drone pilot.
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin with a rash.
Why couldn't Obi-Wan calculate the volume of Bespin from the ideal gas law? Only a Sith deals in absolutes
Tighty-whities are like cheap hotels No ballroom.
What do you call a black-white-black-white.... What do you call a black-white-black-white-black? A nun falling off the stairs!! A really old one there.
Just got a joke after 2 weeks. Pavlov is sitting down reading a book. All of the sudden the phone rings and he says "Fuck,I forgot to feed the dogs".
Adele joined my evening class. She sits at the back silently, we don't talk about her. She's the elephant in the room.
How many ants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2, but fuck if I know how they got in there
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to sell oranges by the side of the highway.
After math class, my friend fell off of a vertical cliff... I yelled Y^Y^Y^Y^Y^Y^!
My worst 3 subjects in school we're Math and English.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon? Taxidermist: He will not
What do you call a self absorbed lobster? A little shellfish! I'll^see^myself^out...
C'mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
The fattest man in Britain has sadly died. Cremation will be held at 12PM on Wednesday..... and Thursday..... and Friday.
An owl told me a great joke the other day. Oh man, *it was a hoot*!
Sometimes I wish I was a dinosaur, but then I remember they didn't have nipples.
Back To School Sadness Well, I didn't plan on going to school today but, my gun jammed.
What do you call a wizard that puts people to sleep? Dumblebore
Why didn't anyone take the school bus to school? I wouldn't fit through the door.
US Mexicans who support Donald Trump Clearly demonstrate appreciation for a trip to beautiful Mexico. --- ^And ^come ^back.
I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.
Why do Germans have such great focus? I think it's because they used to have concentration camps.
I'd like deadlines more if they were called happy endings.
What do you call Shaka Zulu with a Fire Cracker? BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!
I went to the zoo the other day and the only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih tzu.
What are the two types of people who love the words "Who, what, when, where and why?" English teachers and Alzheimer's patients
I got a new couch... ...wasn't sure how comfortable it would be, but sofa so good!
What is hard, long, and full of seamen? A submarine
Why did the duck fly Because he was high on Quack
My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"
"Your generation relies too much on technology", my grandpa said. "No, your generation relies too much on technology", I replied, then I unplugged his life support.
How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? About 8000
I don't know what my shoes are laced with But I'm tripping balls
They say pizza is like sex... Even when it's bad you can still put your dick in it.
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for an hour... ...But set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What kind of rodent DDOS attacks Al Queda's Twitter account? An anonimouse
I'm so horny I could eat out a horse.
GOD: Peter, you will be heaven's bouncer ST PETER: What the hell, I don't want ST BERNARD (whispering): Shut up or he'll make you a dog
what do you call the study of color? cyance
Bill Gates How does Bill Gates fix a broken lightbulb? He buys a new house.
What's the difference between an onion and a woman? I cry when I cut open an onion
When brains do it it the butt do they call it ...brainal?
What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!
I walked into a male underwear store for a quick second. I had a brief encounter.
How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb? Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement is still dark
What's the difference between 10 dead hookers and a Porsche? I *don't* have a Porsche in my garage.
What has 6 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The Boston marathon finish line.
The Farmer's New Cock A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes to Reddit and steals someone else's joke.
Why is Perl Jam's new lead singer fat free? They couldn't find a Butter Man!
How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000? Smells like teen spirit.
What does walking a tight rope and receiving a blow job from your mother-in-law have in common? In both cases it is strongly advisable to not look down
What's the difference between a gay guy and freezer? A freezer doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
Q: What do you call a cute little animal you keep in your automobile? A: A carpet.
He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic  he got up on one knee.
Jehovah Witnesses keep coming to my house... So today I decided to answer the door naked and... Well...I solved the Girl Scout problem....
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
No Smoking Salesgirl : Sir no smoking in the shop. Man : But i purchased cigarette from your shop. Salesgirl : Sir we sell Condoms too, but it doesn't mean u start Fucking us .
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
What did they call the canary that flew into the  pastry dish ? Tweetie Pie !
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I'm feeling pretty awesome!!
Why didn't the life guard save the hippy? Beacuse he was to "far out man".
2014 Drivers Manual: "When a signal turns green, honk once to indicate to the car in front of you that they need to lower their smartphone."
"If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace." -Taylor Swift's moment of revenge
Me: It'll just make mom grumpy, so don't tell her that the dishwa..... 4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER'S BROKEN!
A teacher asked her class what their favorite letter was. A student raised his hand and said "g" Why is that Angus??
Shout-out to people just out of earshot.
Doctors don't usually get paid for circumcisions... But if they do, all they get are tips.
A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together.. The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"
I had sex with my teacher yesterday... God damn it feels good to be homeschooled.
9 out of 10 people agree... Gangbangs are AWESOME!
Had to be a woman that coined the phrase "severance package." No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.
What are your best 'no arm, no legs' jokes? What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on his porch? Matt.
A man goes up to an indian woman... he says "you must be ladesh?" she goes "what do you mean?" "well this summer, im goin to Bangladesh"
I got screwed by a man in a wig yesterday... He was judging me the whole time.
Me: he's cute, how old is he? Guy: 25 months Me: first kid? Guy: yeah, how'd you know? Me: because you didn't say "he's 2"
My friend and I applied for work at the new submarine factory. I don't know if we'll get jobs, but we'll see what surfaces.
I was out of town and I asked for directions, but the guy just mooned me. I thought he was a bit cheeky.
What is the holiest chord? G sus
Downside to a threesome? You'll disappoint 2 women instead of 1
A man is complaining about his girlfriend in the late 17th century... Man: "She's just a complete witch." Not sure if it's an old joke, but I came up with this one at the bathroom.
There is no cool way to chase after a ping pong ball.
An Exam paper walks into a bar. An Exam paper walks into a bar, sits down and says, "So, bartender, what will I have?".
I told myself I should stop drinking .. .. but I'm not about to listen to some weirdo that talks to himself
Whats a mexicans favorite type basketball? Juan on Juan
My wife calls me a "five times a night" man I've always had a weak bladder
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow who? Mmm- Fuck.
11/9 The day America terrorized themselves.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb.
There's no 72 virgins, guess where terrorists actually go when they die? *explosion* EVERYWHERE!
I was fucking this older woman, when she said, "You know, you remind me of my son." I said, "Let's not make this weird, gran."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bun ! Bun who ? Bun-nies make lovely pets !
Who's the roundest knight of King Arthur's court? Circumference
[job interview] "Why should I hire you?" "Because I have pictures of you with a goat?"
I bet OJ Simpson's friends were really confused when his answer to F/Marry/Kill was "Yes."
What do test tube babies do on mothers day and father's day? They cry
I have a photographic memory But I ran out of film a long time ago
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets Me: Not right now I'm working Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Dont' Wake the Baby by Elsie Cries
What do toys and boobs have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them!
What kind of shoes does Solid Snake wear? Sneakers. Huehuehue.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok? Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande's "Dangerous Woman"* I'm ok...allergies are bad.
What do you call a pig with three eyes? ...A piiig
If a dog is on a submarine..... Is it a Subwoofer?
Det. Chick Pea at your service. What do you call it when a chickpea smashes another chickpea to death. Hummuscide Thank you, I'll let myself out...
Why was the juice company losing customers? There was no punch-line.
What did the little cloud say about the big cloud? I think you're condensating for something.
Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.
What's pun plus pun? Poo
It must be cold today Because I just saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin', went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter.
What's black on top and white on the bottom? rape
You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.
Anyone else call their farts "Smelly Wind Monsters?" Cuz if Jew don't Jew should and if you Jew than take this shower. It's a gas! Also, butt trumpet.
Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears? It's true! He had a left ear, a right ear, and a wild front ear.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells Jungle bells.. !
Why did the chicken nugget cross the road? To see the chicken strip!!!
Why is marriage like a tornado? Sure it's all sucking and blowing in the beginning, but by time it is over your house is gone.
Movie pitch: There's this guy named Craig that makes a list of Jews he can save from Naz... what?
All this Reddit drama lately. That's the joke.
My dick is like a chinese finger trap. The more you struggle, the harder it gets.
Woman walks around claiming to be a flute. Says that you can blow in her hole and press her buttons for $50!
Procrastinators Unite! Tomorrow
Knock Knock! "Who's there?" "9/11." "9/11, who?..." I thought you said you'd never forget!
What did Justin Beiber say to his teacher? What do you mean?
My favorite sex position is the JFK It's when I splat all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car
"Yes, I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom, please." "Sir, that's a sleeping bag."
Sarcasm: my second favorite -asm.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny's child.
What's the temperate inside of a ton-ton? What's the temperature inside of a ton-ton? Lukewarm.
I used to wonder how the Titanic could go full steam into an area known for icebergs. Now that I work in an office the answer is obvious.
A man goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist asks: Do you need a bag? He answers: She isn't that ugly!
911 OPERATOR (female): What's your emergency GUY (being murdered): Haha nothing what are you up to
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
"That's what" - She
19: Okay mom, don't freak out but... TOO LATE
What do you call a woman drowning in money? Rich... Also an ambulance.
Why is PC the mustard race? Because consoles can't ketchup.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Genocide.
Dear teenagers always complaining about life.. You've only felt the tip of that dick.
A negative times a negative is a positive... So if they say, "no", twice, it ain't rape.
A pumpkin-shaped woman should never wear a bright orange top and a brown beret unless she wants to make my whole fucking day.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, "Awesome, now we're both barking."
What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer A physicist says "E = mc^2", an engineer asks "How much mass we talkin?"
How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? Foreskin divers
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
What do you call a racist shark? Great Whitey
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Why did the blonde stare at the Ford? It said Focus.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
I removed electrons from a seal Got a seal-ion
What do you call an Anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese! -From *Cedar Rapids* the movie
What do you like, mom? Son: Mom why is my cousin named Jasmine? Mom: Because your aunt likes flowers. Son: Mom what do you love? Mom: Dick, stop asking so many questions.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth  control? A: Their personality.
This is the way Reddit ends. Not with a bang, but with a Pao.
Are you into gardening stuff like sowing seeds? Well, I'll sew my dick to your forehead so you can seed-EEZ NUTS!
What is a Redneck virgin? A 7-year-old that can run faster than her brothers!
Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose? He was a ghoulsnif fer.
Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
Question: What is the difference between a woman  in church and a woman in a bathtub? Answer: One has hope in her soul the other has soap in her hole.
What do you call a nosy pepper? A pepper that gets jalapeno business!
What does the hippie bum say when you tell him he can no longer sleep on your couch? Namaste
I heard Kim Jong-Un built a new private refrigerator He calls it a "grocery store". Wakka wakka!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
People change. Except for that homeless guy down the street. Pretty sure he's had the same clothes on since the 90's.
What did Clint Eastwood say before firing up the ceramic bowl he made in pottery class? Go ahead, bake my clay. *walks away slowly*
Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field.
Fool me once, Shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me a thousand times, shame on the weatherman.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.
How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
what do bieber and grumpy cat have in common? What do bieber and grumpy cat have in common? They are both pussies who were discovered on the internet.
Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester... Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.
[circus school] "So to tame the lion, you have this whip..." What if the lion's too close? [picking up tiny stool] "we've thought of that"
''Ah fuck it" -Me. Making decisions.
'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
Me: I like your Prince tattoo. "It's my mother." Me: Your mother is Prince?
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
Star Wars Joke... What did Obi-Wan Kenobi tel Luke Skywalker at the brothel? "Luke! May the whores be with you!"
Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked 50% off all black speakers
[pet store] Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn't have a barbed wire tattoo.
When a Chinise guy and an Indian have a race fight. Who will win? When two of the most populated countries clash which race will rise?
I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I'll go back to paper!
best funny clip 2015 nice
I got a cheap circumcision yesterday... It was a rip off.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Will the Australian eat jam? He Mar-might.
Why did the blond climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
what do bad sex and the heimlich maneuver have in common? Both start out with lots of excitement, but then everyone is just relieved when its over
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It looks like the backstroke, sir.
Bing is a fast search engine because you're the only person using it.
What's Jerry Sandusky's favorite football position? Tight end
What does a Spanish dog say at the marina? Bark-o.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Stevie wonder may be a great musician, But he is a terrible dad.. He never sees his kids.
If what we are doing here is art, then my Tweets could be classified as kindergarten finger painting.
How do you get a witch pregnant? You fuck her
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs? Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs? Me: No, I said the right thing...
The Commonwealth Games: For when you can't win an Olympic medal.
"Just the tip," I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
a boss is like a diaper always on your ass and edventually full of shit
Why was Game Of Thrones banned from twitter? Because twitter has an 140 character limit.
My 9 year old son just told me this one Q: What do you call 5 doctors and nurses on a ship? A: A decade Ba dum tish.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? ........to get to the other side
How do you enter a brothel in Westeros? Through the Hodor!
Forgiveness is for people who don't know about arson.
Did you hear that the guy who in invented bingo had a recent health scare? The tumor ended up being B9.
What does a bodybuilder do while waiting in a long line? Weights
Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here Taken 4 ~ Listen, We're Just As Surprised As You Are Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep...
I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.
Whenever I have a twitter break, I check my job.
What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your whole day, while anal sex makes your hole weak.
Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes
Why do cows think cooks are mean? They whip cream!
I remember when I was young and dad used to play "Got Your Nose". It was far less traumatic than Uncle Carl's game of "Got Your Weiner".
I think i just wrote a joke out of my pathetic love life while fixing supper and here it goes. What does a bachelor eat the most? Balonely sandwiches.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Me and UFOS have something in common! Neither of us look good on camera.
My new year's resolution is to stop using spray deodorant. Roll on 2015!
Why could Joseph never get anything done? Because he was always Stalin..
The TSA just announced they're banning erasers on flights. They're capable of math destruction.
You know you spend way too much time on Twitter when your wife asks what you're doing online and "porn" is a better answer.
My girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. He confirmed I'm about to become a husband.
What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider? You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry
Chuck Norris uses beer coasters as shurikens.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.
What's the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama's campaign isn't going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.
How do people in wheelchairs propose?
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Why did Al Gore get nipple rings? because he heard George Bush had a dick cheney
A riddle Who's got orange skin, poor speaking skills, is overwhelmingly disliked and is in over his head? Yeah, I know, too easy right? It's Jar Jar Binks
Ok, another Grandfather joke. (revised) Just joking they're both locked in my basement with their mouths gagged while I collect their social security checks.
Man at the bar... "...Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy! Woman responds: "No, I'm Finnish. Finnished with this conversation!""
Whats the worst the thing about having to attend a funeral? The guest of honor always shows up late!
What did the magician say when he a did a magic trick on the spaghetti? Pesto chango
Why was the UKIP voter angry? Because he didn't like the look of the Poles (for this to make sense, pretend the UK election hasn't happened yet)
What did the cashier say after handing down a wad of currency to Dracula? "Count Dracula."
I used to date a girl called Anna Ward She was a trophy girlfriend.
Customer told me this yesterday... First comes the engagement ring...followed by the marriage ring...but no one ever told me what came after that. The suffering.
People say you can't compare apples to oranges... ... always seemed like a fruitful comparison to me though.
My dad asked me where the phone was... I said it was calling lost and found
Why did the bowler bring two pairs of pants? He wanted a spare in case he had a split.
My Love Life is Like my Ferrari... It's nonexistent
What did the Eskimo say about the interface on his new iphone? It was counter-inuitive.
What should you never say to a brony? Hello
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, It's the year of the snake !!! I'm still keep accidentally writing Dragon on all my checks.
The man who invented auto-correct has died. May he restaurant in piece.
currently texting 'Happy Father's Day' to all the men in my phone to freak them out
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"
Gaining Weight? ...It's a piece of cake!
Chuck Norris is a creative kind of guy... Chuck Norris is a creative kind of guy, the last time he farted it was quite a big deal. Scientifically speaking, they call it the big bang.
Balloon's What's a balloon's favorite genre of music? Pop.
I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.
Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend Listerine? Because the other .1% is too busy out hunting lions
... Pichulamono123 , That's the joke.
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence... As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well, that's a little condescending.
My dad annoyed my mom calling her "Mother of 7" until the day she called him "Father of 4".
Last night, my Chevy was bitten by a vampire. Now it's Vlad the Impala.
What's the difference between pickled ginger and a pressure washer? One is a palate cleanser, the other is a pallet cleanser.
A fat woman got stuck in the door of my local Italian buffet. I just couldn't get pasta.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
My phone's autocorrect would like to wish everyone a happy Palestine Day.
A Jewish kid asks his father if he can borrow $30... The father says, "$30! Do you have any idea how much money $20 is? Where am I going to get $10?
Someone asked me to make a joke about cancer... I said, "Sorry I can't sir."
What would happen if James Bond took Viagra? He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.
My spirit animal died of neglect.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
My body is a temple. What I mean by that is, it looks and feels like something the Romans destroyed 2,500 years ago.
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm  a woodworm How boring for you!
I raised the alarm at work today. The midgets were all furious.
What is the drunkest animal in Antarctica? A Pengwine. That's a /u/amanescape original. I can show myself out.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I'll start a fire.
Whats the difference between pork and beef? Once fucking someone and the other one if fucking someone over
I feel like I might kill someone today, and I'm starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Women only call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor.
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels...
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car. Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I've been up for 20 hours. There's no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
What did the Mexican fire chief call his two sons? jose and josB (Hose A &amp; Hose B)
What do you get when you cross Jesus with a dinosaur? A velocirapture
The US has so many disasters You would almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
What is the difference between a dead hooker and an onion? You cry when you cut up the onion.
My wife was getting freaky.. ... And she kept screaming 'Harder, Ryan!'. And that kind of made me mad, since my name is Leonard.
The Black Eyed Peas are to music what actual black-eyed peas are to music.
What's the biggest difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste.
Why did.. Q : Why did Manchester United go to Stamford Bridge? A : Four Nothing
How to make holy water. You take normal water, and you just boil the hell out of it.
A guy asked me who's chips and cheese that is "Nachos"
Why don't mathematicians have degrees? They prefer radians.
[meeting to name the brownie] "How about baked chocolate cake?" "Nah" "Yummy choccy bake?" "No" Guy who named the orange: I have an idea...
What's 12 inches long, stiff, full of sperm and can make a girl scream? The sock under my bed. (I don't remember where I heard it. Can't claim ownership.)
Don't you hate when you're at the mall and there's a kid that just won't shut up. You're like, "SHHH!" And he's all, "STRANGER! DANGER!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!!
Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed... Woke up with a few though.
I can't even imagine how low the self esteem of fat, white women would be if skinny, black guys didn't exist.
Why did the chicken get an ouija board? To contact those who had crossed over to the other side.
I find pedophile jokes to be quite childish.
Original (Dad's) pun: Sticks float. They would.
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine keeps its pricks on the OUTSIDE
Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.
Star Wars newest Droid..... How does the newest round Star Wars droid relieve his sexual tension? He master-BB8's
Knock knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget...
What's yellow and flys through walls? A magic banana...
Splashed myself while washing the dishes naked At least I can say I got my dick wet
If being sexy is a crime then I'm not committing one.
What does the Obama administration think about foreign relations? Why so Syrias?
Q: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? A: If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!
When it comes to music..... Nobody beats The Jackson 5. Except for their dad. That guy beat the shit out of those kids.
Where can you find Jhene Aiko at Bed Peace? At bed, blunt, and beyond. Bada tssss. I tried.
11% of my life has been spent watching things load 12%
Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.
Arrogant lady, owned ! Lady : I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth! Man : If I were the last man on earth, you wouldn't have a say in the matter.
If you don't have any feelings watching a kid cry, most likely it's your kid.
Women are equal and deserve respect Just kidding they should suck my dick
Sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend.
With a name like Freddy Mercury... shouldn't he have done heavy metal?
Girl, are you a parking ticket? Because I want to throw you aside and forget about you forever.
Facebook is where you'll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting "stupid".
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister's chin.
The punchline might tie in perfectly with the joke... or it might knot.
Why was six afraid of seven? Seven was a six offender.
Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.
How is eating pussy like smoking a cigarette? As you get closer to the butt, the flavor gets stronger.
How do frogs die? They kermit sucide
How does a woman differ from a computer? You can actually punch information into a computer.
When I'm having a bad day, I like to think of Prince William, Prince and will.i.am introducing themselves to each other.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they're about to take a picture?
When a man falls overboard, they say, "Man overboard!". What do they say when a woman falls over? "FULL SPEED AHEAD!" Sauce: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA8_TlOsV_w#t=82
What do you call a dog with no legs? It does not matter the dog is not coming
There will be no screen names left for our children's children.
"Ugh, it's so dark!" *shivers* "And cold! Why is it so huge? It's, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!" - Larry, the worst astronaut
BIGAMY Q: What's the downside to bigamy? A: More than one mother-in-law.
A man drowned in his cereal... ...he was pulled in by a strong currant!
What do you call a pizza who's a DJ? DJ Beazza Yes it's a stupid pun, but that's a good 50% of my humor, the other half being sarcasm.
Floyd Mayweather got off again even when there was a video of him beating her. Because it was so boring the jury walked out half way through.
Apparently we can't call it crowbars anymore. Its actually jackdawbars
Forgot your password? Hint: your cat's name ~ a crazy cat lady's worst nightmare
I was gonna say a gay joke Butt fuck it.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bossy ! Bossy who ? Bossy just fired me !
What's a horse's favorite dance The Neigh Neigh
I'm Jealous of my imaginary friend because he has a real friend
Why does Z hate being at the end of the alphabet? Because he spends all day with a Y's ass.
Son: Daddy, what's it like to have the most awesome son in the world ? Father: I don't know, ask your grandfather.
Why am I fat? Every time I fuck your girlfriend, she gives me a cookie
What does the cannibal think after seeing a wheelchair user? Meals on Wheels
How to get out of school Tell the school you are sikh
A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her  diskettes.
I told my dad I'm HIV Positive He replied "Hi HIV positive, I'm dad!"
Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees? The Germans like shade
I used to collect old broken pocket watches.. But now I barely have the time.
What technique does a prisoner use when coloring a picture? Cell shading.
Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about. It was just the start of China's two-child policy.
Q: What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer? A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.
Why is it faster to download Midget porn? The files are always smaller.
Why do the police hate teenage fireflies? They never stop lighting up.
Men treat women like objects. Weird men treat objects like women.
How is a girlfriend like a pronoun? Your's is possessive
What did the dog say to the other dog at the party? Raise the woof!
I don't like to talk about masturbation. It's a touchy subject for me.
What's the difference between you and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
Didja hear that Hershey's is bringing out a new LGBT candy-bar? They're callin it a Lady Bruce.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn't animated!
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00. Me: I can't come, I'm allergic. Boss: But we're not serving food. Me: ... yeah now I really can't come.
If I was a video game character, the 'B' button would activate my special move: Avoiding conversations.
Joke comments: so you can get all your best jokes in one place. Put jokes in comments!
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
How was copper wire invented ? One copper coin, two dwarves.
*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention* *forgets where he left it*
you may think the reason there is a pickaxe in the ice sculpture of a swan is 'i was trying to break the ice' but it is actually 'i hate it'
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million.  I call him our wonder player Fan: Why's that? Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
There's no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein. They told him, "No whey, Jose."
Did you hear about.. Did you hear about the indian man who was charged with domestic violence, he hit his wife on the head every night at 7 on the dot
A quantum physicist gets pulled over. The police officer asks "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The quantum physicist responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Is it fair to say Marvin Lewis' joke bout Johnny Manziel... went over everybody's head?
How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing? not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7
My older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word "ironic" to describe situations in her life. It's pretty ironic.
What Do You Call A Bad Mexican Restaurant? Shitpotle
Why did the mule fail his math test? He was half-assing it
Whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? You cant unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork!
What's a terrorists favorite sports team? The new York jets.
I heard a great joke in the elevator today It was funny on so many levels.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Did you hear about the man with no arms or legs that swam the English channel? What a cleverdick...
I was arrested last week at the airport. Apparently, they don't like you calling 'shotgun' before boarding the plane.
Hey kids! Don't bother getting married, just find a woman you don't like and give her a house!
My wife and I are screaming at each other from different toilets while our sons shoot each other with bb guns
Did you know, some bees can produce milk? They're called boo-bees.
Did you hear about the Crucifixion victims? They're screwed up.
The most overdone joke ever. [Deleted]
Two tampons are walking down the street towards you, which one says hello? Neither, they're both stuck up cunts!
They say you are what you eat So I bought myself some "ready to eat Apricots" And after I bought them I was indeed, ready to eat Apricots.
Why was the couch afraid of the chair? The chair was armed.
[NSFW] I think I might be gay... ...Every time I touch my dick I get hard
A sheep, a drum, &amp; a snake fall down a cliff... BA-DUMM-TSS!
When did the 100 years war get serious? When the English got Crecy
What is not the answer to this question? Not this.
I went to the dentist today... He said I wasn't wiping enough and that I have an anal cavity.
Moaning and gasping "Give it to me baby!" during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor. Anybody know one?
I used to be a plastic surgeon. Which raised a few eyebrows. (Credits: Stewart Francis. Look him up, this guy is hilarious)
Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships Which got me thinking, Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?
2 people confessed to killing Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov
What does a cow who's a jerk grow up to be? Beef Jerky.
What do you call a redditor that doesn't use the search button in /r/jokes? A bastard. [Source](http://i.imgur.com/p16XxgE.jpg)
Can anyone answer why they've kept the name Lynchburg? Come on, don't leave me hanging.
My friend and I wanted to take the spider out instead of killing it... Went and got drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
LOOKING FOR awful pi jokes! Just found out my friend hates them. Please give me your worst pi day/pi jokes!
What do call a girl that eats pastries while browsing the internet? Eclair.
Those black cats better not cross my path. I'm not superstitious. Just racist.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture? "Sure"[click] Couple: How does it look? "I just got my hair done, so pretty good"
Why didn't the skeleton go for the halloween party ? He had "No body " to go with.
What do you call it when... You put a pillow on a stool? You call it a stool softener cheesiest joke I made up
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick...
Just got a temporary tattoo. Now I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery for the next three days.
What's the difference between a black man and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family.
People who write hai and bai, wai?
While George Bush was in office... he was informed of the death of three Brazilians in a plane crash. He replied 'Oh that's horrible, just awful....... How many's a brazilian?'
My sex-life is like a Ferrari, I don't have a Ferrari
I met a guy the other day with a glass eye. He didn't tell me, it just came out in the conversation
jomomma.ninja Jo Mamma is so Ninja, that even Chuck Norris sent her a Friend request.
The child in me says "Eat candy for breakfast!" but the adult in me says "You're an adult! You can do whatever the fuck you want! Do it!"
What is it called when two lawyers are fighting? Civil War
I am exceedingly charismatic but I have trouble pronouncing words beginning with 'f' and 'th'..... ...... Can't say fairer than that.
What does modern horror films and the 2000 presidential election have in common? It's Al Gore
The dominating wife A woman at an optician's shop: I am returning the glasses I bought for my husband. He is still not seeing things my way!
Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he's my twitter husband. Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.
I don't hold grudges... my father did and I always hated him for it
What do you call a person that tells jokes to ghosts? A comedium.
If your clock strikes thirteen, what time is it? Time to get a new clock.
Safe words are for quitters.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
This morning I was beaten by a woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?" I don't remember much after that.
There were two muffins in an oven... One muffin said to the other, "Boy, it's sure hot in here!" The other muffin screamed "AHHHH!!! A talking muffin!!!!!!!"
Another Dutch joke about the Belgiums Two Belgians are walking in the desert with a car door. One of them complains that its too hot. The other one says: "just roll down the window."
I was seeing this one girl for two months Until she found out I was there.
What did they egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard. I just got laid.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o' mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
How can you tell that truckers like nuts? They always have pecans! (Read aloud)
A condom and a coffin. Both are designed for stiffs. The difference is one is for coming and the other for going
What currency do they use in space? Star Bucks.
Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years.
This question is only for the fellas: You ever kick back in your man cave and think about what a strong feminist ally you are?
What do you call it when a car full of Mexicans catches fire? Baked beans
How do you know when a black chick is pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon and all of the cotton is missing..
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing.
A priest, a rabbi, a man with a monkey, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all walk into a bar... The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I think Head &amp; Shoulders should have a body wash line called Knees &amp; Toes
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Where would be a good place to find 25 million north korean jokes? In north korea itself.
Why was the cow's house empty? She was moo-ving
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it's okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Just got added to a list called "people." Glad I made that cut.
Q. Why did the jellybean go to  school? A. Because he wanted to be a smarty
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
If anti-gays want to stop gay sex... They should encourage gay marriage.
Kids today will never know what it's like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece GOD: It's a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ MOSES: Who? GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
What does a gay horse eat? Haaayyyy
How do you power a fleshlight? With sexual batteries!
The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
My chicken and egg problem Chicken or egg which is tastier?
All I'm saying is that the cheese grater wouldn't have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond
What do you call the security at a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy, or firefighters.
Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens making machine? He made a spectacle of himself.
I dropped acid this morning The teacher made us evacuate the lab.
What do you call a spelling mistake on a map? A topographical error.
I tried to get team shirts for a sailing camp I'm going on But I just couldn't get the idea to stay afloat
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who reply to a text message with a phone call
As an adult, it's exciting to know that I'll soon be old enough to play a high school student on ABC Family.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
How do you keep redditors in suspense? I dunno, I'll tell ya tomorrow
what does Dr Watson says to his flatmate when he's constipated? no shit, Sherlock
Why did Sally fall off her swing? Because she had no arms
[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night... The plot thickens
why did the energizer bunny go to jail? he got charged with battery
What is the British equivalent of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am? "Honey!" [Nut] "Cheerio!"
So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world
Unlike a Caterpillar, a whale won't turn into a beautiful butterfly.
Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in other boxes.
Why do melons insist on having big weddings? Because they just cantaloupe.
So this blonde walks in to a computer store... ... and says to the employee; have you got any curtains? Employee says; um no sorry this is a computer store Blonde; duhh, I have windows.
My wife lost interest in sex with me because... ..of my gut, but we still have one thing in common: Neither one of us has seen my dick in years.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
"You never say you love me," wept my girlfriend. I walked up to her and said, "You love me."
What do you call an invalidation of someone's argument because they cannot differentiate between their and they're? ad homonym
Remember when Muhammad Ali died? Yeah, neither does he.
Your Mum's so Mean she doesn't even have a standard deviation.
I tried cooking with wine tonight, after five glasses, I forgot why I was even in the kitchen
I think memes would be the hardest thing to explain to a time traveler from the past.
How many Software Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None- that's hardware.
Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.
What do you call a hippie with a business major? A Hippie-crite.
Take something someone says, then perceive it in every terrible way imaginable POOF you're a woman.
I never really got the concept of exact change... It just never made cents.
What is WRONG with you??? Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let's see... ok... carry the 1... um... That would be everything
Two termites walk into a pub... A waitress asks if she can help them. "No," they say, "We'd just like to know, is the bar tender here?"
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn't name his son 'Guitar'
How many PETA members does it take to change light bulb? none, PETA can't change anything.
Why is Sigma good at sharing? Because he only ever takes sum of the numbers!
An anti-joke about lawyers. Q: What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? A: We are both lawyers.
There's way too much blood in my alcohol system today
German sausage is the wurst.
What is both a fruit and a vegetable? Elton John in a coma.
Only in math is it okay to buy 30 grapefruit at one time
Im so proud of one of my friends that happens to be a gay midget. He just came out of the cabinet.
Why can't the Maple Leafs have any tea? Because Boston has all the cups!
Thank god pets can't talk, they know so much
What kind of meat does a priest eat? Nun. (this one is probably a little better spoken)
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Homosexuals should be like my shirts when I'm not wearing them - quietly tucked away in the closet.
Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?  The first knows how to read the second knows how to write and the  third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him "Jesus, you're how old?"
All women are different. Yet none of them can drive.
What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stras Innjrden he opens a Fonstrvivig
I believe: - I can fly. - Children are the future. - Knowledge is power. - I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
What do you call an original joke? Baha Fresh
Where do blind sparrows go for treatment ?  The Birds Eye counter !
Why did Turkey disappear? Because Austria was Hungary.
You know when you find the BEST hiding place ever to keep something safe and it's so good you forget where it was? That's me and passwords.
"You have a very large package downstairs." I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.
Bestiality Is fucking bitching.
Anyone have any special planes for 9/11? *Plans.
"How do you perform mediation?" "Meditation? Uuuummmmmmm........"
Boss: You're late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired Me: Well I didn't know! I ducked out early on Friday
Honey.... Where are my paaannts.??
My wife is: 1) Am amazing mom and a great friend 2) Still the most beautiful girl I've ever been with 3) Now following me on Twitter
Does killing time damage  eternity?
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? One, although it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.
Why exactly did the teenage mutant ninja turtles need to wear masks? That shit doesn't fucking add up.
Who is Monica Lewinsky's favorite football player? Clinton-Dix
How do you know your man is cheating? When he drives by her place the wifi connects
My girlfriend said I'm too immature for her. "If I'm immature, how come I've got an Arsfor?" She said "What's an Arsfor?" "Shitting!" I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.
I don't want to brag, but when I take my clothes off... the shower gets turned on.
[first date] Boy: so where are you from? Me: [points to all you can eat sign] I live here now.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cheese ! Cheese who ? Cheese a jolly good fellow !
Roses are red, violets are blue Enjoy the cancer I just gave to you
How Stevie Wonder looks at his life... 'Rather blind than black'
Police arrested two kids yesterday... ...one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one  and let the other one off.
Is this one haunted? "No" What about that one? "Ma'am, none of the booze is haunted" What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The cops found pot on Willie Nelson's tour bus. In other news, water is wet.
Do you have pet insurance? Coz I'm gonna destroy your pussy tonight
Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card.
I knocked over the altar at a Buddhist temple the other day and spilled ash all over the monks They were incensed
We're equally riveted by stories like the Chilean miners (33 men, 1 hole) & Tiger Woods (1 man, 33 holes).
What do you get when you cross a stoner with a halo nerd? Masterchief
What is the worst thing about getting hit in the face with PI? It never ends.
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews
Like father, like son Son: Dad, why do people suffer so much in life? Dad: ... for the final five push-ups.
Home is where you don't feel the need to wipe the toilet seat After you've pissed all over it.
I'm a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis- I'm better than you.
I made a pass at my girlfriend's mum and my girlfriend is furious... She tripped over the ball and broke her nose.
So my teacher asked why I was failing my loud music class... I told him the subject just wasn't my forte
I think everyone should stop ogling Kobe. He's not a piece of meat.
It's difficult to imagine someone stealing your Viagra prescription. . . But really it wouldn't be hard.
Alzheimer A guy stands in front of a urinal with his hand in head hairs. "I, definitely, remember it's somewhere in hairs"
There are no winners in life ...only survivors.
So Cheech Marin plays golf now, which is appropriate Because what's more Mexican than sweating balls on a freshly-mowed lawn with a bag full of weapons?
[At Neiman Marcus] *looks at sales clerk* *holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase* I don't know...which one will hold more chicken nuggets?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Did you know a cat can jump higher than a house? This is due to the fact that cats have very powerful hind legs and that houses can't jump.
Here's the best joke I know The American School System
What's the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman knew his parents before they were shot.
Did you know that 1 in 4 people has multiple personality disorder? That means one of the me's has a problem.
If I had a buck for every time an elk was confused for a deer... I'd have a lot of doe
Have you heard about Unilevers ice cream It was their magnum opis. (Yes, I know next to no one will get this joke at all)
6'5" guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar] me: [hides behind GF] GF: HEY, WHAT THE F- me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
How do we know that hamburgers love classic  music? They're often found at the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall!
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
how did the Russian babysitter win the race? She got ahead LOL
Why do clumsy people get married? They fall in love.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like "well, can't even do that right"
During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night I'm a little bit more open minded
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If a woman has eight vaginas... She'd be an octopus.
Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...
Have you heard about the gay Chinese prostitute? He only does brojobs.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
   Cat and tree a
The key to parenting is moderation. For example, if baby wants to play with the cutlery, only give him a few steak knives.
Why are all jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women will not touch anything unless it is 10% off.
My friend said she likes Nickleback
What do you get when you cross a baggage handler with a sex offender? [The TSA!](http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ2-l7xEQJqvdPPlN2qABza3Hpfin65EITfmXxRgqx4gj5ajg9mEdVJFhEsjg)
Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you.
Why would the road cross the chicken? Because it had a death wish. It's well known that no one crosses the chicken and lives.
It's not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you've reached your destination.
Did you hear about the guy that went to court over a stolen bag? It was a brief case.
Why is Reddit called Reddit? Because you've probably read it before.
I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team Because I hate dealing with parents.
My son said he wanted to get into organized crime when he grew up. "Government or private sector?"
Thank God for semi colon's. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn't exist?
Nine out of ten men prefer women with big breasts... the tenth man prefers the other nine.
Did you know Ice-T has a half-brother? His name is Arnold Palmer.
What four man rock group doesn't sing? Mount Rushmore
Why do monks wear the same clothes every day? Because old habits die hard.
What shape is your hair in the morning? A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)
What do brunettes and red-heads do on Friday nights? Make blonde jokes!
Why did Microsoft skip to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9. (For those that haven't heard the news: http://www.polygon.com/2014/9/30/6873967/windows-10-announced-microsoft-pc)
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a rabbi walk into a bar And the rabbi says, "Hey, wait a minute... I think I'm in the wrong joke."
Every time I'm around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Women are like condoms... They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Went to glasses shop to check my eyes,the worker told me I had estigmatism,I googled it.... Because I was blind on the subject.
What does a redneck say for foreplay? "Brace yourself, Linda-Lou"
Did you hear about the couple who got married in a gymnasium? It didn't work out.
Don't die a Virgin Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Which vitamine are feminists missing? D
*swipes left* *swipes left* *swipes left* *swipes left* *swipes left* *swipes left* Wife: STOP TOUCHING MY FOREHEAD!
Hey girl is there wifi here? Cuz i feel a connection
How can you tell if a hippie has been at your house? He's still there.
When I first got my puppy I called him Barky Bark. Now he's grown up, so he's just Bark Wahlberg.
*waiter pouring wine* Say when sir *wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Womens rights
"Life Lesson: Never under any circumstance should you compliment a woman on her mustache, no matter how impressive it may be."
Son: Mom mom at school they call me a liar Mom: Shut up, you dont even go to school
How do you make a woman scream? You fuck her in the ass. How do you make her scream again? You wipe your dick off with the drapes.
[Joseph checking in to hotel] "Is there WiFi?" Only in the stable *later to Virgin Mary* "Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable"
Why did the pharaoh retire? Because he did not want to be part of a pyramid scheme
I feel bad for all of the couples who got married in Vegas last week But at least their love will burn with a firey passion...
What is yellow and incapable of swimming? An excavator.
What is mozart doing nowadays? Decomposing
Why do elephants have flat feet? from jumpin' outta palm trees, duh
With all the complaints about iOS 8 taking forever to install... You'd think that Apple would rename it to iOS .
Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan
A terrorist attack has blown away 2 local houses  one made of straw and the other made of wood. Police think that it's probably a lone wolf.
Years ago I tried on my sister's bra, couldn't undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I'm still wearing it. I live in shame.
Why was the daybreak sad? Because it was in morning.
What happens once a minute, twice a moment, but never in an eternity? The letter M
Me: I have a secret *I take off my wig* Her: I don't care still I love you *I smile, take off my bald cap* Me: you passed the final test
What's the difference between harass and annoy? I have never had my finger in annoy. Edit: NSFW.. depending where you work, I guess.
Got a phone call today to do a stand up gig at a fire station... ... Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Every chick magazine ever: You're beautiful and are perfect just the way you are! How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.
They say nice guys finish last.. But isn't that what most women prefer?
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited
Why were there only 3 thousand Mexicans at the Alamo They could only find three minivans
Donald Trump's campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Why can black women twerk so well? They learned from their father how to bounce.
What do you call a row of trucks covered in mozzarella? A cheesy pickup line
I took an 8 hour class on door-making... Don't knock it till you try it
What do you call it when two snowmen 69? 88
if you are on a magazine cover with the headline 'my new body' and that body is not, like, a cheetah or horse, missed opportunity
Who does a lobster have in common with a broken hearted chinaman? They are both crustaceans.
Hey Europe you look a great. Have you lost a few pounds?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bill ! Bill who ? Bill-tup area !
So I tried to get my pet kangaroo across the American border... But customs wouldn't let raw meat through.
What do you call a large pile of kittens? A meowntain.
This girl told me she didn't poop... But I think she was full of shit.
So a blind man walks into a bar. At least he thinks so.
Hey, people who upload full movies to YouTube, get a life! Also, thank you!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
TRIVIA: The sinking of the Titanic in 1912 cost 1,502 lives. Adjusting for inflation, that would be over 8,500 people today!
Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, "Now thats-a spicy meatball!" people will learn not to ask you things.
Life coach: "Always try to get off on the right foot." Me: "Wow, that's a VERY specific fetish!"
Being married vs being gay: Either way you're going to have somebody stuck up your ass.
How do Eskimos make things stick together? Igloo
Why doesn't Jesus play hockey anymore? He kept on getting nailed into the boards.
Why girls want to be mermaids 1. No pants 2. No periods 3. Perfect hair 4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra
I'd never compare people I don't like to Hitler, but the people who make the little "x" button impossible to find on pop-up ads are Hitler.
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The holocaust
A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!" Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...
Today we are offering the twin tower special... Two can dine for $9.11. Desert is $7.47 each.
"sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry" - remorse code
My stats prof is so romantic... He keeps talking about his Bayes' Theorem
A Goat walked into a bar, and the bartender said WTF is a Goat doing in here? the end
What's a bees favourite flower ? A bee-gonias !
Why did the cow return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
How manyh grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes 7 years.
Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
The local pizzeria promised us the best delivery service But they didn't deliver.
What is the difference between being hungry and horny? What she means by "eating out."
Saw a pretty girl, asked her, "whats your sign?" She said stop.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So they can think with an open mind.
What's Hitlers favourite weather? HEIL!
A young girl asks her father. A young girl asks her father "Daddy what does the word slut mean?" Father "Sweetie don't use that word, your mother will be offended"
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub? The nun has hope in her soul.
A tried to take a photo of the fog last night. I mist.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub? The nun has hope in her soul!
If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.
What does a footballer and a magician have in common ? Both do hat tricks !
Why is Monica Lewinsky voting for Donald Trump? Because a Clinton left a very bad taste in her mouth.
Why do they call chicken wings, chicken wings? Cuz they go flyin' out of your butt after you eat them!
I wish gummi bears screamed when you ate them
Have you ever heard of Christmas Adam? It comes before Eve and isn't nearly as satisfying
The Earth is roughly 70% water and 30% haters
Pink Panther's to do list: to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo!
Why are jokes about rotten eggs banned? Because they're infeggtious
ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Dear ugly people, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol
I bought my mom a fridge for her birthday present You should have seen her face light up when she opened it!
Knock knock ... Who's there? Any. Any who? Come in, Canadian!
I wish I could explain my fear of needles... they just get under my skin.
What did Consuela say to her boyfriend after he shagged her in the field? Grassy Ass
What's a shrimp boat captain's favorite drink? Hi-C
FRIEND: Do you want to go [i don't hear the rest because i'm already sighing too loudly]
Tips on how to get girls Tip 1. Don't be ugly.
Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth!
TIL that a baby can recognize its mother's heartbeat due to how much time they spent inside their mom I can also recognize your mom's heartbeat.
If I had a shot of whiskey for every time I thought of you, I'd be sober.
So a limbo champion walks into a bar.. he was disqualified from the limbo competition.
I accidentally wet the bed I share with my girlfriend.... She's still pissed
I love giving kisses to little children on Halloween.. I don't know but they love that candy
(Offensive joke) What kind of pizza did they order on nine eleven? 2 large planes
Why are the majority of school shooters white? Because the black kids don't wanna get kicked off the basketball team.
Obama this, Bush that... How about if you're still unemployed after 3+ years you might just be a loser?
What kind of workout does Bob the electrician do? Circuit training.
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? "Captain" you fucking racist!
A man gets the words "I love you" tattooed to his penis... He then goes home to his wife and his wife tells him: "honey, stop trying to put words in my mouth."
Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms? Kids: WE DO! YAY!
You ever hear about the guy who goosed the ghost? He got a handful of sheet.
What do you call a Mexican dessert that won't sink? (Or) What do you call an effeminate Mexican custard? Flanboyant Muy terrible. I know.
You should never have sex with anyone in your family... Even if they inceest.
I feel as useless as a Kardashian sister's library card.
Can I borrow your G-String? Mine broke... said one guitarist to the other
A son asked a his Jewish father The son asked "Dad, could I borrow 30?". The father turned around and answered "10? Why do you want 5?"
A poll says that 60% of women take medicine for mental instability. That means that 40% aren't taking their meds!
I'm at my most brilliant when the door says "pull" and I don't believe it.
Which scientist invented the nuclear powered floor cleaner? J. Robert Moppenheimer
What is the name of a taxi service for bears? Ubear.
Best listener Girl: My boyfriend never listens to me. Friend: You should date a blind mute. Girl: why? Friend: he's all ears
Before encouraging everyone to "do whatever makes you happy," ask if anyone is a sadist. Don't encourage the sadists.
nothing sexier than a Subway Sandwich Artist spreading tuna salad with an ice cream scoop
What kind of pants does Mario wear to work? Denim denim denim ;p
Romeo &amp; Juliet.doc... ...is a play on Word.
I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
Superman and Eyore had a baby. The baby's name? Supereyore
Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend's microwave.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
What is it called when a Sailor in the Navy gets a care package from home? Underwear Replenishment
I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
Ross's sister had a fear of wind instruments So Chandler played the drums. He didn't want to Harm Monica.
I'm very keen I could tell he was bald at the drop of a hat.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall "Dam"
I cant comprehend constipation That shit is too deep
What's a white racist's favorite food? Klan Chowder
wtf is almond milk almonds ain't even got titties
How do you separate the men from the boys in Sparta? With a crowbar.
What's the best way to pick up a woman? Like a sixpack
I was at a Chinese restaurant... when I realized that a duckling is a small duck. So I decided to cancel my order of steamed dumplings.
If someone broke up with me (doubtful) I would say 'Ok weird eyes' Even if their eyes weren't weird id say it. Because they'd always wonder
What is the scariest thing about a white man in prison? You know he did it.
so i'd tell ya a casey anthony joke but my mother would kill me...
How does a restaurant make $1 million You start with $2 million!
Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. Then all of a sudden they're pedestrians.
[ during sex ] Can we make a food baby? I'm hungry.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cathy ! Cathyl who ? Cathy free. Never had it. Never will !
Did you hear about the guy would couldn't open the gherkin jar? He was in quite a pickle.
A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own genitals. Nobody likes dictators
My wife once told me " Mike you're the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms", which pissed me off because my names not Mike
Can you imagine how hard it must be to intern a suicide bomber? You need three years experience to even apply!
Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won't find them officer. Stop looking
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say "Is that who you were telling me about?"
Early reports say Robin Williams died from arson.... But I Doubtfire.
When dads become grandfathers... Their dad jokes grow exponentially, just like their lineage.
Just goes to show, you're never to old to try new things. My nan starting running when she was 65, she's 71 now and we've no idea where she is.
Damnnnnn gurl... I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.
I was going to tell a celery joke but it might become a laughing stalk. O_o
Ah Monday morning, the hideously ugly, unwanted child of the week. I'm torn between pity and the feeling of violating something with a broom
Who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore? This guy.
I've been feeling so shitty this valentines day.. This cold I have is terrible!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow? GOD: ur starting to worry me
Apple have begun making prison guards... Apparently they like to lock up.
Newtonian physics are a good approximation for big objects that move slowly Like your mom
What's long, hard, black, wet, and full of seamen? A submarine, you dirty fuck.
I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend and re-wire the toaster. She was shocked.
Somebody accused me of being condescending today... ...by the way, condescending is shown or characterized by a patronizing or superior attitude toward others.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they push two Twins together to make a King.
A cow walked to the store to buy some milk... but cows don't have hands so they can't use grocery stores or grab milk in a container. It was an udder failure.
New way to avoid pregnancy: Wear double condom with chilli powder in between. If outer breaks she will know, if inner breaks u will know.
Me on the Phone: I'm going to "work" from home today. My Boss: I heard those air quotes.
Thin eyeliner today. *left one goes fatter *right one goes fatter *left one goes fatter *right one goes fatter *covers entire face.
BOB: Hey boss can I get another raise SCROOGE: But I just gave you... B: What's that over there, is it a gho-o-o-ost?? Ooooooooo S: OK! OK!
TIL 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the entire population. Title.
And Grandmother, what big thighs you have! *Wolf just starts crying*
why did the ghost crash his ghost car? because he was full of BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!
Why did everyone make fun of the economist's fetish? He was into inflation.
This bottle of OxyClean says "GREAT ON WINE AND TOMATO SAUCE". Call me crazy, but I think they're trying to poison Italians?
My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I was going to book a holiday to Sweden But then I realised I couldn't af-fjord it
Stop saying I'm my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he's curried such favor with father
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread "Pabst schmear"
How do you make a Scottish omelette?
Folks I'm seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there
Fat girls are like mopeds. They're fun to ride until your friends find out.
Rules for texting a girl: 1. Don't take 40 minutes to reply. 2. Use good grammar. 3. Ask Questions. 4. Use the  face.
"It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Ggrraadrttgrrtrr." said Chewbacca.
Still feel bad for not considering that Dr. Pepper might be a woman.
I thought my daughter was studying oceanography It turns out she was just a C student
What do you call a priest who has had too much sacramental wine? An Alcatholic.
George Washington Where does George Washington keep his armies? In his sleavies!
What kind of riddle has no answer?
What kind of cuisine did the rude Jamaican serve? Caribbean Jerk. Ayyyyy!
I'd definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people's Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.
I got hit hard in the head with a can of 7up today... I'm alright though, it was a soft drink.
We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."
They say that when you put your ear next to a vagina... You can actually *smell* the ocean!
So I asked my uncle how he felt about the Ducks this season He replies "I finally know what it feels like to be a Beaver fan."
I broke my finger last week On the other hand, I am okay.
How many Mexican reposters does it take to make me mad? Just Juan
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
Want to hear a good Nirvana joke? Nevermind.
"It's ok. This is normal for her." - How my friends explain me to others.
A lawyer goes to heaven...
"You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it
I told a Chinese guy that they always smell like Chinese food. He said "aw that's lo, mein."
What do you call a white guy with an air horn? A honkey
Anyone know the exact alcohol content of "lady humps"? How drunk am I going to get off them?
Way to bring me down, security questions. Dad's birthday? First pet? What's next? Gonna ask about Marco Black rejecting me in 2nd grade?
I got "Nope" on "Are You Going To Take This Quiz To Find Out What Stupid Character Or Song Or Food You Are?"
Why did the Libertarian cross the road? Fuck you, none of your business. Am I being detained?
How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree? Boy trees have woodpeckers.
If you've seen me impatiently standing in line, then you've seen me dancing at a concert.
Let me tell you guys an Alzheimer joke if I can remember it.
A programmer was found dead in the shower this morning ... Next to him was found a shampoo bottle marked 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat'.
[1994] The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio. Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
That you don't tell the answer before you ask the question. What is the most important thing to remember when telling a joke?
Why did the hipster never catch a fish? Because he didn't go in the mainstream
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I could be way funnier with like, 143 characters to work with.
How does the Terminator lose weight? By counting Kylereese.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
What's black, smells and has 17 tits? The bin bag outside the breast cancer ward.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I'd throw a couple of "yabba dabba do's" in there to see if anyone notices.
Why should you never invest in bakeries? Because they have a high turnover rate.
I'm thinking of going on a cleanse just not sure which race to start with
What happens when a cow stops shaving? It grows a Moostache.
What borders on silly? Mexico &amp; Canada
Twiter helps me keep my finger on the pulse of what today's youth is jazzing & vibing to. #hip #relevant
I'm gonna rock and roll til 9pm and only party on weekends
Did you hear about the italian chef? He pasta way
Mail! Female!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay? Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am *coke storms off angrily*
I lost my virginity to my priest... ... he told me to pray to St. Anthony
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Did you hear about the man who was to amputate a foot? They amputated the wrong one. Now they're both in a wheelchair.
What does a racist decorate in their home for the holidays? Their bigotry.
"Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"
Knock Knock Who's there? The Pilot
What's Pee-wee Herman's favorite entree? Stroganoff.
When in dangerous situation - you should always sleep with one eye opened. Especially if you're a Cyclops.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with "...and you can take THAT to the bank!"
To everybody whose birthday is today. I am sorry that your birthday was not yesterday, otherwise you would have had a puny birthday.
Why did Anne Sullivan decide on "water "for Helen Keller's first word? It was a test she could pass.
To some, it's known as "soda." Some call it "pop." Some even order it as "coke" or "cola." The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I've had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
What did the calculus student who failed his test and the guy who got a speed ticket have in common? They didn't know their limits
Two muffins are in an oven The first one says, "Boy, it sure is hot in here." The second one says, "Oh my god, it's a talking muffin!"
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said. "Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
Put the punchline before the setup. What's the best way to ruin any joke?
How many blacks does it take to screw in a light blulb? Three Fifths
"slippery when wet" signs should be on everything.
I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I'm just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
I don't get why my dad talks on a phone. He's so loud all he has to do is open the window and they can hear him.
All I want is for someone to pretend to love me for who I am, then gradually change me over a period of several years until we both hate me.
What did Hitler dream of during the holidays? A WHITE Christmas!
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? Wipes.
(My favourite joke when I was a kid) Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
How do you save a suicidal procrastinator? Tell them it can probably wait 'til tomorrow.
I got fired from my job doing porn... I had all the dedication in the world but too many times i came in too early.
Q.How Do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 simple steps A.Open the fridge, put in the elephant, close the fridge
How tall is Luke Skywalker? Six foot force :)
What's the best way to stop a German train? *Axe* them nicely.
What's the difference between the Rockettes and a troop of acrobats? One is a cunning array of stunts.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish. *I'm not even high.
You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.
My dick is like a dollar bill... About 6 inches long, 3 inches wide, and you should wash your hands after touching it
A chinese man goes to the eye doctor... The doctor says "You have cataract. " and the chinese guy says "No, I have a rinkin continental."
You should invest in Helium It's only going to go up!
People keep saying drugs are dangerous, I abused lots of drugs and I'm fine. It's only the people watching me through power sockets that are annoying.
To the Engineer To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
I was born with this saltiness I tasted my own cum It tasted salty
A Priest and a Rabbi See a 8yr Old Boy. The priest says, "Lets Fuck Him." Rabbi says, "Out of what?"
Did you here about the girl who got electrocuted by her vibrator at a sleep over? It was such a buzz kill
I work at a dealership, this guy there is addicted to brake fluid but he says he can stop at anytime!
Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!
What is Titus Pullo's Sandal Size? THIRTEEN!
[interview] "What's your strongest trait?" My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me??" GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch] THE JOB
Cremation My last chance at a smoking hot body
My big next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from his washing line. I nearly shit his pants
Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Did you guys hear about the mob of comedians? It was a riot.
I did my presentation on stools, got a shitty mark.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank the coffee before it was cool...
*nudges widow at funeral* are you thinking Arby's
I think that time will eventually show that Vanilli was by far the more talented of the two.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see the poof. Knock Knock? Who's there? The chicken.
Why do mexicans only cross the border in pairs? Because the sign reads no "tres"passing.
A man contemplates if it's worth masturbating now so he can last longer in bed later. It will come in handy.
So the waiter said "The plate is hot" and I said "I'll be the judge of that, haha." Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Almir Payday 2 That is all, thank you.
Don't forget how much dust you're inhaling all the time everywhere.
What did the deaf, blind, crippled kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
Why was the car engine so loud, but the rest of the car terrible? Because torque is cheap
What did Hitler say when 7 ate 9? NEINNN!!
Only 30's kids will get this... Jesus.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cumin ! Cumin who? Cumin side its freezing out there !
Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof
A turtle is crossing the road.... when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies "I don't know...it all happened so fast!"
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
My car is nicer then my girlfriend... It's a real fairlady.
My nun friend has started to wear holely clothes recently. I think she is getting into a bad habit.
Why does Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand? Because she uses the other one to sing.
How's the oil industry doing these days? It's in the tank.
Autocorrect sucks Amorites guys?
I still remember the last thing my grandma said before she kicked the bucket. "hey, watch me kick this bucket".
Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Doctor, doctor I broke my arm in two places. Doctor: Stop going to those places.
My favorite gift to girls... is PTSD.
What do a thug and hillbilly have in common? They both like to throw a hoedown.
What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think i can kick this bucket? Also, Why did the chicken cross the road? [He was in the bucket](/spoiler)
Two doctors were discussing the game Proctologist:"Did you see the game last night?" Neurologist: "No, did we beat them?" Proctologist: "We didn't just beat em, we rectum!
Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.
Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!
Went to the library today and asked have you got any books on mysterious disappearances? The librarian said " Well, they used to be over there......"
Now why do sumo wrestlers shave their armpits? To avoid being mistaken for feminists.
What's the fourth derivative called? Inauguration. Why? Change of jerk.
Difference between Memory and RAM? What is the difference between Memory and RAM? I can't Memory my junk in a girl's butt.
What does a vulture bring with him on the airplane? His carrion bag.
What's worse than ten babies stapled to a tree? One baby stapled to ten trees
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Who's Zombies greatest enemy? Necrophiliacs
Due to Michael Jackson's passing...
What's black, has bite marks and isn't needed any more? Philip Hoffman's belt.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.
What do you call a kitten who accidentally eat all your pills? A Caterpillar
I'm thinking about buying a Volkswagen Beetle just so I can be the reason why people keep getting punched.
What was Charles Dickens' favourite experimental pop album? It was the best of Grimes...
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton get in a car wreck, who survives? America.
I too like my women like I like my laptop. Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it.
I wonder if poor kids in Africa dream of a white christmas? Like spending time with your whole family, getting tons of Xboxes and play stations. Heaping servings of food, etc.
What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Adolf Hitler? Hitler can't finish a race
What did the devil get arrested for? Possession!
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
What's worse than an overthinker .... Sorry I didn't think this part through...
Note to shelf: Thanks for keeping my stuff off the floor.
Cop: Hey U! U: who, me? Cop: no the other 1! 1: who, me? Cop: both of U! W: who, us? Cop: Yes you! U: Who, me? Cop: No! No: yes?
My dad got me at the adoption center today He pretended to just leave me there. Good one dad, now come pick me up please.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Did you hear about the kidnapping on the bus? He woke up.
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
What so you call an Asian jew? Jew Lee
Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy, but here' say number. Call me maybe. Okay, hello Maybe. I'll leave now.
There are 10 types of people in this world... ... those who can read binary those who can't and those who weren't expecting a ternary joke Edit: word
An ISIS recruit asks his wife.. "Let's try 69 tonight" Wife says, "You should rather try 72". She then blows him up.
Can't live without your coffee? Tweet about it!
I'm not fucking stupid. I mean, I was, but we broke up.
A women takes her to dog to the vet. "Doctor every time I take a shower my great dane tries to hump me"... Doctor: So you want him neutered. Woman: No, declawed.
I don't think any other job sees as many erections as mine... I work with planning permission at the council. P.S. I made this one, kinda funny I suppose
Don't judge a German tourist until you've walked a mile in his socks/sandals combo.
Q: What's delaying the Polish space  program? A: Development of a working match.
Calling them "boobs" is so immature. Please use the proper name, "lovely lady lumps".
*Goes to the store* *Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
What is a euphemism for gay wizard sex? Taking it in the Dumbledore.
[at funeral] My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say- *casket is lowered into the ground* -he was down to earth.
What is red and goes putt putt putt? An outboard apple.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Begonia ! Begonia who ? Begonia bother me !
What do you call an angry archer? A Cross Bowman
(Writing in food journal) me: for lunch I had sa......... trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome. me: sake.
Still don't know what I did wrong. My girlfriend was happy when I brought her home a bouquet of flowers. Her mood changed when I told her I found them by a lamp post.
I walked in on my girlfriend cheating. I don't know what I ever saw in her... ..well, except for another dude's penis.
What do you call it when a Republican Presidential Candidate throws a hissy fit when he doesn't get what he wants? A Tantrump.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky babe i promise you're the only one no this is not a hickey ?it's just a bruuuise ?
Whenever it gets super cold outside, my penis exchanges its erection with my nipples.
What did the joints say to the arthritis pain? Uh-Leave! I made this up when I was a little kid and naturally thought I was a comedic genius for many unfortunate years to come.
I couldn't tell if I brushed my teeth with tooth paste or shamoo last night I hope it was the former, not the lather.
What's worst than fingering your sister? Finding your dad's wedding ring inside.
When a package says "Easy Open" I end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.
"Why is everyone talking about me? They seem mad..." -Temp worker at Foot Locker
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
"I will take a nirvana sandwich." "One with everything"
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? They both leave little boys rooms with empty sacks.
Blind man walks into a bar... And a table, and a chair.
I recently got a device that can remotely slow down any car And as an added bonus it shows me what speed they're going at too!
My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing "Yeah, shake that shit..."
What do you call it when a son of Royalty fucks his sister? Prin-cest
If I lived in Gotham City I'd always be hinting I was Batman to get freebies. "I'll get the bat-check. I mean regular check. Bat-thanks."
What do you call a single Mexican man? No bae Jose
My favorite sex position is the Ronald Reagan cause i'll bang russia and break a wall did it suck?
I'm worried about Rosemary's Baby. Everyone knows Thyme has been hard on her. (That's right. I do spice jokes. Dill with it.)
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Charlie Sheen is HIV positive It seems he went from tiger blood to monkey blood.
Why did Hitler kill himself? He got his gas bill.
My baby cousin is completely spoiled... ten minutes is way too long to microwave a baby.
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fcuk me the pass the parcel was quick!
While seen my x-ray, my doctor said.... You know, when I was a child my dad use to tell me "A picture is worth a thousand words" But this one just say "You're screwed"
I drew my gun. The guy in front of me drew his gun. Then I drew my other gun, and soon we were surrounded by some lovely drawings of guns.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amaso ! Amaso who ? Amaso sorry you don't remember me !
There's nothing horribler than a word that isn't real.
How do you make a whore moan? You don't pay her.
What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. J.K. Rolling
What's the difference between black people amd snow tires? Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them.
We didn't like Granny sliding down the banister so we wrapped it with barbed wire. She didn't stop but it sure slows her up.
Sex while married
The guy that invented the heimlich maneuver died today... needless to say I'm a little choked up
every time i see a fat, bald, goateed dude in public i get excited for a split second thinking it's Louis CK
the elevator business is great It has its ups and downs
The human body is basically flavored water
"Enjoying your day off?" - what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Pregnant women go through a "nesting" phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they've killed.
Why can't pirates wear sunglasses? Because they have no buccaneers! Happy speak like a pirate day!
Amnesia I was going to tell a joke about amnesia, but I forgot what it was.
Yo mama so fat... that when she has threesomes the dudes never meet.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Potato.
"Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy" Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
What does IDK stand for? Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don't know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.
What did the scientist see when he looked up his family tree? A gorilla pooped on his face.
Paychecks are like dicks... Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.
At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station
What did the doctor say to the midget in his waiting room? You're just gonna have to be a little patient.
What do you call a well-endowed Asian man? Hung Lo
Whenever my husband opens his wardrobe he shouts and curses. I think he's a cross dresser.
The trick that will stop you from crying every time you cut an onion- Stop getting so damned attached to onions.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "this isn't working, you take everything too literally". She'll be so happy when she sees the new one.
What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton? They are both soft and crumble under pressure.
#NAME?
What does a Bills fan do when they win the superbowl? He turns off his xbox.
The meanest man in the world Is the Warden who put a tack on the electric chair.
Listening to my husband's gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[NSFW] What is the difference between your dick and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus! xD
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Torrential rainfall? Rising floodwaters?! No escape?!! Don't worry... I Noah guy.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Ahh, those were the days...
Stay away from teenage skunks They have pee-yoo-berty! Ill see myself out :/
Why does Sean Connery hog all of the oysters at a seafood dinner? Because it's shellfish.
I like to get up early on Sundays, have my coffee, watch the sunrise, and pretend everyone else died of polio.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a Wedding Cake!!
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God.... I texted her and said "I saw that" You should of seen her face Priceless
Recursion is a curious concept because it can refer to sentences, such as this one, that refer to curious concepts.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy "You're Wife Sarah says hello".
Hear about that Saudi girl? Sunnibody try to kill her, but Shiite
The Greatest Trick the Devil ever played... The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing Columbia House that he intended to purchase more CDs from them once he got his 8 CDs for a penny...
[getting a massage] MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean
What do Peacocks mate with? Peacunts
Q: When is Santa's birthday? A: Since Santa comes once a year and he's married, Santa's birthday is December 25th
What's the difference between bullets and people? People miss Harambe
What is small furry and brilliant at sword fights ? A mouseketeer !
Why do they call them rapeseeds? It's not like the flowers ever consented.
ARMY WIVES SUNDAYS AT 11 ON LIFETIME. IT'S NOT TV. IT'S NOT HBO. IT'S NOT FX. IT'S NOT EVEN WE. IT'S LIFETIME. WHAT, LIKE YOU'RE SO GREAT?
the most boring thing to be pretentious about is how u were into something good before a popular thing showed everyone else that good thing
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are on a sinking ship. The pastor yells "Save the children!" The rabbi replies "Pft, fuck the children!" The priest says "Do you think we have time?"
I should start a sandwich shop that only sells flatbreads. You'd be able to select your own fillings. I'll call it "Pita this, pita that"
What's the difference between the G-Spot and a Golf Ball? A guy will actually spend time searching for a Golf Ball.
If you're at a party and people start chanting your name, you're obligated to do anything they want you to do.
George Foreman named all five of his sons George. I'll bet the password on every website he goes to is "password".
How do you get in with a pretty nurse? You need to be patient.
What an Idea..!!! My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?
I once heard this joke about corn It was a-maizeing
What do you call an original joke on this subreddit? Rare.
I'm giving up on the argument... From now on I will pronounce it 'gif'.
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.
Cannibalism isn't funny Although, it depends on a person's taste...
What do you call a policeman on fire? Bacon.
Sorry I commented "yikes" on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
What did the Pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey!
Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium? He tripped a fan
I used to have a job; "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."
Broke a mirror today Seven years bad luck, my lawyer says he will get it down to five
Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
A mate of mine held up a sign that said 'BNAG'... I said, "That's bang out of order!"
After working retail I've discovered that there are two types of people in the world Those who can read signs, and customers.
-Knock knock... -"Who's there?" - 9/11 -"9/11 who?" -You said you'd never forget!
He is on that bird call website a lot. - My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I send thank you cards to people that don't invite me to their weddings
Why were the Persians attracted to the Anatolian Greeks? Because they were Ionic.
What does a Gynecologist and Pizza Delivery guy have in common? Both get to smell the goods but neither get to eat it. (A straight rip from /r/funny with my apologies)
I just responded to a text message with: I can't hear you, you're breaking up
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
The only lie Republicans haven't told about Obama is he's white.
Party Questions by age 1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House? 17-20: Will there be alcohol? 22-27: Theres no kids right? 30+ Who's bday is it?
Seriously joggers?! You're gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time? And I'm all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
A woman visits an astrologer Astrologer: Would you like me to tell you your husband's future? Woman: No you tell me his past, I'll decide his future.
I asked the librarian for a book on the Ebola virus. She said, "It's in Siera Leone at the moment, but it should be here within the next few days!"
I totally understand how batteries feel... because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I've got trouble with the wife again - she  came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
"It's always Russia somewhere" I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I'm going to major in Marijuana when I go to college... I hear it's a growing field.
Did you hear about the jewish guy? Did you hear about the jewish guy that walked into a wall with a boner? He broke his nose.
My Social Studies classes never taught me relevant social topics like "How to ask a girl out," "How much to pay her," or "Will HIV kill me?"
Two birds are sitting on a perch... The first one says, "Hey... do you smell fish?"
My mom woke up early every morning to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch at school. She knew the crusts were my favorite part. She hated me so much.
What says the egg to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick
A guy walks into a bar and orders ten shots... Poor guy, he was filled with bullets in the end of the day.
Bought some expensive neck cream. Directions say to apply it twice daily. If I slather it on every hour, I'll have the neck of a teen.
You should kill me for this but... Did you see the engraving under the mineral sculpture of the famous punner's head? It said, "Wordplay Ore Bust"
When runner-ups in reality shows say, "I may not have won but I'm still a winner," do they understand how language and/or competition works?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...
I left work in slow motion but it didn't blow up behind me. This is bullshit.
On one hand, I'm intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
What do you call an Israeli rooster? A koke.
Sometimes a man has needs that can't be fulfilled in the home. [goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
What do you call a cow with no sense of humor? Moody.
If you're fishing on ice you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY???  The ice will crack up!
Where can you find the speed of light? At C level
This one is pretty offensive... Whats the difference between Jesus and a whore? They both moan when you nail them, but only one of them actually enjoys it.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn't.
Why do golf commentators speak softly? To not wake the audience.
How many rudeboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Twenty. 1 to drop it, 19 to go "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up".
A muslim opens a stir-fry restaurant in Hawai. He called it "Aloha-Wok-bar".
What did the Buffalo say to his son as he left for college? Bison.
What's the smelliest type of pencil? A #2 pencil
My "go to" zoo joke I tell this to my wife and kids every time we go to a zoo... Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A. Elephino
What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes? Sweet Pee
I don't "take" weed because weed "took" my best friend & trapeze partner Corton from me when we were 17. #ImissYouBrother #SwingWithJesus
What do you call sandpaper on fire? Bernie Sanders
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them? Neoooooooooooooooooooooow
What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady but we'll never know because he can't stand up.
Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.
*Buys bat for home security *it flies away Being dumb is hard.
How is a woman like an Electrical Fuse? When they blow, you got no power!!
There is so much lead in Flint That when you pass a factory, you immediately assume that Chinese children work there
          : - ,     -     ,          . -     !    ... aneki.kz   : - , !      ! -       ? -  , ?!   !     45    !
Where does the vampire sail? In the bloodstream.
What did batman say to robin before they got in the car? get in the car :P
If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.
What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I didn't pay 50 bucks to have a lentil on my face last night.
[Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there
What do you call a British voyeur? A bird-watcher.
[interview] BOSS: So you have zero experience? ME: Hire me & I'll give u a sweet nickname B: That's absurd.. ME: Lazerwolf B: Welcome aboard
It's the 2016 Olympics And Chris Brown is still the most famous female boxer
I used to believe that I had MPD. But I convinced my other self that I didn't.
What's the only thing worse than asbestos? Asworstos.
The only difference between politics and religion is whether the hope is for this life, or the next.
Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.
What's the instrument of oppression? the Trumpet
Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War? He doesn't work well with Vision
What do you call a cow with one udder? A bull.
*watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!
Woman Goes Doctor Latvia Woman go to see doctor. Doctor shake head and say, "Six more days life then die." Woman is feel sad. Woman asks, "Is no thing I can take?" Doctor say, "Food."
Meets girl at bar. Takes her to Ikea. Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
A man divorced his wife over her love of Adele "Goodbye. It's you."
How many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.
Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
Why do russians rush B? To break the rush-A stereotypes
Scientists discover diarrhea can be hereditary It runs in your jeans
Facebook Status: I caught your boyfriend having internet sex with one of my Farmville sheep.
"Anyway it was lovely to meet you!" - Translation: Off you go!
Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren't phony enough for Facebook but aren't edgy enough for Twitter.
Have you heard of the new deodorant called umpire? It's for foul balls!
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
Did you hear oxygen and magnesium started dating? I know, right! Like, OMg!
If everyone had a gun, we wouldn't have to worry about gun violence. This is why war zones are noted for their safety.
Q. Where do fish sleep? A. In a river bed
What's the best part of punching a tranny in the face? You get the pleasure of punching a woman but with none of the guilt!
Is that a banana in your pocket or... oh wait that is a banana. Sir I'm with super market security. Please come with me.
Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi? She had to be force fed.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
What is the medical name for the operation that changes a person's sex from female to male? An addadicktome.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
Whats the difference between Barcak Hussein Obama (or any bought and paid for American politician) and a bucket, full of horse sh*t? Not much, the bucket. Just the bucket my friends.
My friend Opie owns a pizza restaurant. Wanna know why it's so successful? Because Opie delivers.
Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we've had to dissect frogs.
Help, I accidentally ... build a shelf?!? What should I do?
Drugs don't kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I haven't eaten since last year, so why haven't I slimmed down?
Why did the thalidomide man get stopped going through customs? He was caught in the possession of small arms
My friend committed suicide by taking 50 Tylenol. I don't know why he did that. He could have just taken 4 Aleve.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Two dyslexics walk in to a bra
If you think Big Government is bad... Wait until you see *Yuge* Government.
Eating spicy food is like... Having your whole body sit down for a game of poker. Your stomach always wins while your sinuses and intestines get cleaned out.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green.
The pirate mechanic fixed my sexbot this morning. "Thar, she blows."
I've gotten away with blaming the dog for my farts dozens of times so I hope my wife believes me when I tell her that he just shit my pants.
Mr. Penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him habitually!
Where is the Serengeti Plain? At the Serengeti airport.
What did the Mexican girl say to her fiance? You're the Juan!
Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.
Frog Joke. What do you call a temple-running frog? Amphibiana Jones.
Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don't need to own a whole dollar store thanks
How do you fit 42 Jews into a Volkswagen bug? 1 in the drivers seat, 1 in the passengers seat, and 40 in the ash tray.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES - ASK US] ME: Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?
What do you call a prostitute with white eyes? Full up.
What do you call a paper car? A paper-machacedes
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? Because the *p* is silent
A boy asks his father The difference between up and down. His Father says 'You don't have up syndrome'.
What do you say to Simba if he's walking too slow? Mufasa.
I object to female genital mutilation. It is hard enough find a clitoris with having to scrabble through the skip bin behind a Somali mosque.
Jared gives a new meaning to "Eat Fresh!" How "Fresh" we talkin?
Proof of God Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space
Yo'moma so fat she jumped off the Grand Canon and got stuck
My ex wives were all good housekeepers.. ..When they left, they kept the house.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son's face so parents grow up fast too. I've already become my grandmother.
"Happy Monday," said the Facebook status of the girl with no grasp of reality.
My grandfather died in Auschwitz... He died after falling from the guard tower
Which author do the Gorillas love  most? Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!'
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Q: Why don't women have men's brains? A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
What did the businessman say to the other businessman? We're both businessmen.
Helium walks into a bar... The bar man says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind!" Helium doesn't react.
In my day a hand on my crotch was third base... now even a hand job is a foul ball!
What did the acorn say when it grew up? Geometry
Why is proctology called proctology? Because analogy was already taken.
New Thesaurus I bought a new thesaurus, it's terrible. It's also terrible.
Nice try, nine out of the ten days in a 10-day forecast.
What's the difference between a stoner and a Jew? A stoner gets baked more than once
What happened to the Asian man who walked into a wall with a boner? He smashed his his nose.
"I HATE TACOS!" ...Said no Juan ever.
If King Kong came to England why would he  live in the Tower of London? Because he's a beef-eater.
Why do they call them 'jews'? "'jew gonna do anything with that, 'cause I can take it off your hands?"
"Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don't know...bookish?" She has a name you know! "What is it?" ...Paige.
What is the cheapest cut of meat on a deer? The balls, cause they're under a buck.
if i was a ghost i would probably still just watch netflix
An old joke I learnt [Clean] A peanut was stuck on the tracks His heart was all a flutter A train came down the track *Choo Choo!* Peanut butter.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
If we would have taught the West Africans how to cook their chicken properly; we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with.
TEENS: You might find yourself "embarrassed" by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
In the eyes of God, there is no good reason to Masturbate... In the eyes of my girlfriend, well she prefers it on her chest.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell "leopard" and "deaf" correctly. You're going to want to resist that.  Best band manager ever.
What body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s? Spine
I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled It's crippling
Boss: Did you bring the reports? Me: Hold on. *reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers* Boss: I resign. You're the boss now.
What do you do if your lawnmower stops working? Deport him
Frozen pizza recalled? The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users: Legalize pot, but take away their food.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says "sorry we don't serve your type in here"
How do People in New Orleans have their beer? Watered Down
Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted: 1.) Flying forks 2.) Pre-fried eggs 3.) Fridge moaning/wailing 4-10.) Ghosts
Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls? Because people are dying to get in there.
Q: Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor? A: Because she was in the non-friction section.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth? Me: Why would I do that? D: ok...[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly] Me: *winks at camera*
What's the difference between a male lawyer and a male prostitute? A male prostitute charges $20.
slipping acid into your moms food because she needs to chill out and have a good trip
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family Murderer: You can't prove anything... Cop: You know, you're actually called "Murderer" in this thing
A woman is out fishing with her husband... As she's sitting in the boat, she asks "Honey, do you have any more of those little floatey bobber thingies? Mine keep sinking."
I've discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it's inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
If towels could tell jokes... They would have a dry sense of humor.
It's a fucking frisbee. Stop trying to make a sport out of it.
You're only as good as your internet connection.
A kiss makes my whole day Anal makes my hole weak
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9 Because Microsoft 7 8 9
What do you call a football team full of retards? Special teams.
What are prostitutes paid? Loads
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I was going to tell you about the people in the apartment upstairs... But that's another story.
How come Spider-Man didn't get the most obvious spider trait? Black.
Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Look! I can do my ABC's backwards! -"go on then" -"nahh CBA" Credit to 'Fweng chweng!'
The prince didn't mind living in his father's luxurious house but some days it was hard living in the chateau of his father
Your mom said she wanted something that could go from zero to two hundred in 3 seconds... ...so I bought her a scale.
What's worst than one bee sting? Two bee stings What's worst than two bee stings? The Holocaust.
Where do Muslims go after their Friday prayer? To the Allahu Akbar
Yo mama joke Yo mama`s so hairy, she grows afros on her nipples
My redneck cousin is looking for a girl into multiple partners. I told him that was ridiculously cliche... I mean really. Cracker wants a poly?
It's 2035: By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Hello! Is it me you're looking for? (Lionel Richie, speed dating)
What do you call your favorite 80's pop star floating dead in the harbor? David Buoy
Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America: Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers.
What do you call a rising poll? Upvote
what do you call a gay french man? a faguette
Someone just threw sodium chloride at me. It was a salt.
What does Batman ask when he enters a butcher shop? Gotham?
Growing up my girlfriend was called the human calculator... but that's just because 14 year old boys would have her do handstands so they could see her boobies.
The only way to know if a jokes is actually funny is to tell it to an African-American. Black laughs matter.
I turned into a cat earlier Don't ask meow
Joke from a 5 year old kid: how come dinosaurs don't talk? me: ...why? kid: because they are all dead. source: stolen from Brian Reagan's standup.
You, me, a bottle of wine, soft music, a picnic basket, a strange growl, a bear, a tree, coyotes, a rescue chopper, a hospital, dessert.
What do you call an arrogant patronizing thief coming down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won't take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps? Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
I lift at the gym the stairs are too much effort
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
while getting ready for the hurricane I noticed there was less people in the snack isle than the water isle... I'm just kidding, I live in America.
My friend overheard me saying I could go for some malt liquor. Instead, the bastard got me a box of Whoppers. "What the hell is this?!" I said. "Suck on them. Now, you're a *malt licker*!"
How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big? Ostrich-sized.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If I had a dollar for every time I saw a repost of r/Jokes ... I'd be as rich as the guy who posted this first
Do we still not know who let the dogs out?
Why is a giraffes neck so long? So it can reach its head.
Where's the middle of nowhere? It's three letters in. "H".
What did the depressed pimp want for his birthday? to be alone with his thots
If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European
Dinosaur 911: what's ur emergency Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US Dinosaur 911: is it the sun Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Maybe money can't buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[tattoo parlour] ME: I'd like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he's dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I'm not apathetic, I prefer emotionally constipated.
What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha Ching
I'm always on the guest list at Club Sandwich.
What do you attach to a transgender chicken? Dez Nuts!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I'm not pregnant when they ask when I'm due.
Why was the paralysed man uncool? Because he was lame.
Trees have done a lot of shady things in their lives.
What is the difference between a white guy and an asian? Cock. It is basic math. cockasian - asian = cock
So he says " Nice glasses" and I say " Thanks! They're for seeing " *slaps knee*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line] GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
If a hipster falls in the middle of the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Yeah, but you've probably never heard it before.
How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well it's not eight, 'cause my basement is still dark
Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering where the word etymology came from...
me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
Its ironic that the gay club was called "pulse"... As 50 people didn't have one after the shooting
Why can't you give a balloon to Elsa? Because she'll Let It Go.
"It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game." -Losers
buzz lightyear's ful name is "bumblebee 9.460731012 kilometers"
Ever tried to watch your own feet while running? Don't do it. It's trippy.
What do you do when you lose your Kia car? You go Soul-searching.
Did you know that 37.8% of all statistics are made up?
We're all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise... And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
me: it's too hot *opens window* *in comes 305430 flies, 43866 spiders, 91193 moths, a serial killer, a paedophile and a burglar* (HELP)
You know what I call a tube that comes with a caulk? A caulk block.
Why do Muslims not eat pork? Because MaHamHid
Million Dollar hipster food idea: Insta.ham
Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however.. he did kill Hitler. NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr
Did you know condoms have serial numbers? Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market? They tend to go cheep!
A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don't ask me questions about a crime scene
If by "junk in the trunk" you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.
[arguing w girlfriend] Her: I feel like we have communication problems. Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza? Pizzas smell good in the oven
Roses are red Oh, by the way, I have Alzheimers Happy Veterans Day
Okay mum...you know I love you...but I can't accept your friend request on Facebook.
What kind of triangle jokes can never be made right? Ones with an obtuse angle.
Why is Trump like a man with a tuber fetish? He wants to put the Dick back in Tater.
I think I'm gonna fail my Women in Islam class The course covers everything
Dear airlines, spend less money making cutesy safety videos and pass those savings on to your customers. Wouldn't that be cool?
What happened when the two lovers were watching a scary movie in a year when Valentine's day happened to fall on Friday the 13th? *Oh wait, nevermind. I'm an idiot...*
Two cows at the North Pole... One turns to the other and says "Don't know about you but I'm Friesian".
Did you hear about the string of bank robberies committed by a guy dressed up like Jesus? The cops finally nailed him.
There are 3 types of woman [reddit!](http://data1.whicdn.com/images/55422337/large.png)
when they read side effects in prescription drug commercials they should show the actors actually suffering from them instead of canoeing
Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.
clever pupil makes fool his teacher PUPIL: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: off course not. PUPIL: good, because I didn't do my homework.
Get it? http://imgur.com/AIhM5
There was a robbery in Antarctica, but it was stopped. There was even a party to celebrate Justice was served
[reading book report] ME: Beyowulf is the story of a guy that turns into an wolf when he hears Beyonce TEACHER: Wrong. ME: Well, I tried.
What do you call an angry Iron Man at a Skrillex concert? Stark Raving Mad
Basically if your movie trailer features a close-up of a glass of rippling water I'm assuming that your movie will have dinosaurs.
*Rains pennies from heaven* *coins decimate the land [terrified scream] 'CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!'
Political Satire If con is the opposite of pro, then what's the opposite of progress? Also, opposite of consitution.
Rules are like a penis You can bend it as much as you want, but if you break it, you're fucked.
Why can't two Asians make their own Caucasian babes? Because two wongs don't make a white!
A good friend will help you move. A great friend will help you move a body.
How many Karma whores does it take to screw on a lightbulb? When this reaches 500 upvotes I'll tell you.
What's your best one-liner?
What is the difference between a magician and Bernie Sanders? The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex? Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING: Hiring recent college grads REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.
If you're married to your dick... would you be a wife beater?
Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only Never mind. Batman's here.
My cat sits on my lap while I use the bathroom She cuddles the shit out of me.
What do you call a gay man's nut sack? Mud Flaps
Lmao "bikes". Basically a shitty motorcycle that you propel with your own legs. What is this, the flintstones?
please say a prayer for my coworker. his life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay? The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.
Nervous about speaking in front of a crowd of people? Imagine everyone is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird's tail for quitting time- Why my cw hates me
How to make-out - 1. Hold her close 2. Kiss passionately 3. Don't mention the budget deficit or your father
TIFU by posting in the wrong sub. Wait...
For some reason, my girlfriend hates it when I use her toothbrush So does anyone know a better way to get dog shit out of sneakers?
A duck walks into a bar... And the bartender says "why is there a duck in my bar?"
It is very wrong to ask a woman how much she weighs. (xpost from r/showerthoughts) Weight depends on the gravitational force of the planet you are on. You should ask her how massive she is.
Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry? Because red shirts die easily.
Why did the hot dog vendor cry? He burned his wiener
How many religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nun. I'll^hear^myself^out... EDIT: Formatting
Why doesn't Santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney
I always give away all my dead batteries ... ... free of charge.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What does a hungry clock do? He goes back four seconds.
That time in 1997 you found out Chris Rock & Chris Tucker are 2 different people & realized you're racist. #thatwasawkward
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay. Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I'd never see her
A tiger goes to the gym... ... wearing women's underwear underneath his workout clothes. When he does squats does that make him a crouching tiger with hidden drag on?
(Dirty) joke from 14th century (or maybe even older) What is long and likes to pry in a hole? A key.
I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Ur mama is so fat, she had to be baptized at sea world.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband? Yes. I think "stabby" is a feeling, right?
A year ago, I likened Trump to an African dictator. Today, I think I owe African dictators an apology.
Why did Kim Jong Un's father go to hospital? He was Kim Jong Il
Some people think that killing animals with helium is wrong... I don't judge... Whatever floats your goat.
When a Mexican uses the word "wheelchair" in a sentence..... "Hey I only bought one torta but don't worry wheelchair."
What do you get when you add root beer to a square cup? Beer.
Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike? A: Because someone threw a fridge at him.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace
A mushroom walks into a bar... The bartender says "hey, we don't serve your kind here". The mushroom says "why not? I'm a 'fungi' Bam, you've all been PUNNED!
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
ANIMALS IT'S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA 1. Mosquitoes 2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR 3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark
Ducks are the best animals to tell jokes. They always quack me up
ALADDIN: i can show you the world JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
What does Justin Timberlake say when he's going to the bathroom? "It's Gonna Be Pee"
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I really liked "The Force Awakens". Not everyone did. But we can all agree on one thing. Kylo Ren was willing to do what the rest of us only think when it comes to dad jokes.
They should make a gym for cops, called "Stop Resisting".
A science graduate asks the question why? An engineering graduate asks the question how? An arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
Symphony of puns i never let my kids listen to jazz or classical music... Too much sax or violins can only lead to treble!
What "YSK" means? Everyone keeps telling me that I should know...
How do you cause a riot at a cat show? Open a can
I tried to teach a class on how hard it is to make a Fibonacci Sequence. But it spiraled WAY out of control!
I got into an argument with my parents about video games. It was a stupid reason to fallout for.
7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?" Me "Yes" 7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
why is history called his-story because no one wants to read about 6000 years of cooking and cleaning...zing
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I'm rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Thanks to incognito private browsing, nobody will discover my deepest, darkest secret.... That I play RuneScape.
Q: How can you tell if it's a trombone player you're kissing? A: You feel his hand going up your ass!
Dry January is going really well. Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.
Donald Trumps Presidential Campaign I'd say thats a good enough joke...
I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol... But still.
(Physics) What's a physicists favourite graph? A Van De Graaff.
Invisible man goes to the doctor. Doctor says "I can't see you right now." -Christ Novacelic, Reading 1992
Royal Canadian Mounted Police ("Mountie") joke Did you hear about the near-sighted Mountie?...He tied his whistle to a tree and blew his horse.
Apparently they don't use the term "stealth handjob" in the UK They call it a "blanket wanket".
What's long, hard and has cum in it? A cucumber
What did the engineer say to the flood? Dam!
"Honey the baby is crowning!" *Lifts up hospital gown* "Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!"
I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked "You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin Catholic
I'd give anything to be a philanthropist. That is all.
What is the difference between Ellen Pao her brain and Aids? Aids develops itself
Whats better then getting a gold medal in the Paralympics? Walking.
Why did the dung beetle go to rehab? He was rolling balls.
I'm pretty sure I'm smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test. It unnerves me, because that's totally what a genius would do...
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
What's black, white and red all over? A newspaper.
My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?" One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."
Why won't Caitlyn Jenner go to Taco Bell? She doesn't want another Bell not accepting her for who she is.
therapist: "remember there are no stupid questions" wife: "okay" therapist: "keith you start" me: "do sharks ever need to have a bath?"
Thank you for teaching me the meaning of the word "much." It means a lot.
In a way people that work in coffee shops are also First Responders. #Heroes
What do girls and parking spaces have in common? All the good ones are taken and the rest are disabled
Which sex position gives birth to the mostly ugly children? Ask your mom
I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns. It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.
How do you know that an introvert likes you? He looks at your shoes instead of his.
I bet Lorde is a gold digger She is a minor after all.
When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope. Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
Eight. It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. This leads me to believe that if I was a guy the sex would be horrible
I never misused the word ironic, ironic right? it's a bit of a paradox. THINK!
*goes through crush's phone when he dies* *gets out ouija board* "who is Emma"
Why do women love the smell of babies so much? Because 50% of the taste is in the smell.
I drank way too much yesterday and took the fattest girl home. I ended up hammered and waisted.
Bought a new Shakespeare sat-nav - It gets me from A to B or not to B.
I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed.
I was given a book, "How to play the didgeridoo." All the pages are empty besides one that says, "Far away from me."
Q: Why did the little girl bury her flashlight? A: Her batteries were dead.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
"Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!" "DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!"
Sex like me is like 'The Mermaid Joke' on /r/jokes right now. Hot, bloody, and it ends with a dead cow.
What kind of room has no windows or doors A mushroom
Whats yellow and lives off dead beatles? Yoko Ono
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock WIFE: A WHAT? ME: Shhh, you'll make him nervous DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
How do Eskimo fleas stay warm? A flea's blanket.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I'm guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
When is being an "Alpha" not a good thing in the dating world? When you are a type of radiation. No one wants someone who can't penetrate well.
"that's me in the corner." - r.e.m. explaining how facetime works
Malcom Gladwell is going to write a book about politicians as a follow-up to "Outliers" It's going to be called "Out-and-out Liars"
Apple is trying to market its new iPod to the lower demographic with a newly named device ... ... however they decided "iTouch Kids" was not a good name.
What do the Irish do after winning the world cup? They proceed to Chapter 9: The Dark Mark
This is your captain speaking... AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Just ordered Chinese food from a place called Magic Wok. In the 'additional notes' I said "pls make the sadness disappear." LAUGH OUT LOUD
What was so great about being a black jew? They already thought you were burnt
What kind of bread always goes wrong? A rye
What is the dirtiest day of the week? SaTURDay
Someone draws a Swastika on Trump's Star on the Walk of Fame And you can't tell if it's from a Trump supporter or protester
Which ghost sailed the seven seas  looking for rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
Jokes With Sweet Wife I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrrows too high
*walks into son's room to find a recording of him snoring* Dear God *dials 911* Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90's cassette player
I got irradiated recently... I like to think it adds to my glowing personality.
Gay dudes are fucking assholes! Straight dudes are fucking vaginas.
Why don't you go down on a girl in the morning? Have you ever tried to split a grilled cheese?
"Hola, Senor, do you want me to shift into second gear?" Manuel transmission
What is the definition of diplomacy? The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
The number of times you say "Don't judge me" is directly proportional to the amount of things you do that you know are  wrong.
If you are looking for a bad girl, I have been known to shop at the art supply store on days they aren't having a sale...
Did you hear about the guy who needed to snort a line of baking soda every day? He was basically addicted.
"Why are you always tired, Dad?" my 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.
What do Donald Trump &amp; the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
What do you call a shipping crate full of snails? Escargot.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2006.
The Energizer Bunny was arrested this morning. Have you heard about this? Yeah, police say he was charged with battery.
If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.
This popped into my head in class the other day... Why do professors like stats and physics students? Because they'll work for p naughts.
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? I never cry when I cut up a hooker.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor
Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable So that rules out child abuse then....
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor The eye doctor says, "Sir, you have a cataract". And the Asian man says, "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental".
I miss my ex But my aim keels improving... One day
How many white people does it take to screw in a light bulb? All of them. One to hold the bulb and the rest to screw the world.
The most important tip when you're fapping solo. Always use your Han.
Why aren't scientists harnessing my dog's ability to produce an infinite amount of hair to power the planet?
My room is getting so messy ...that F.C. Barcelona is trying to recruit it
What is the worst thing about farming vegetables? The wheelchairs are too expensive.
And before bros, churros.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
SECURITY GUARD: "Sir, I have to check all backpacks" ME: "ok" *opens backpack* *its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
What the zombie said One zombie to another : You look paler than usual. Zombie : Must be all the grey matter I've been eating. Yeah I know where the door is...
A group of dogs walk into a University. They approach the receptionist who says, "Hi, can I help you?" "Yeah," one of the dogs reply, "We wanna see our Masters."
Going to a Yahtzee party. I hope that isn't slang for something gay. Well, gayer than Yahtzee.
"Java is to Javascript as ham is to hamster."
i get disappointed every time a catholic school's mascot isn't the fightin' jesuses (jesi?)
A jumper cable walks into a bar... The bartender says "I'll serve you, but dont start anything!"
What do you call people who aren't Christian? Light, because they're massless.
friend: i want a bf me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
What's a tongue twister? When your tang gets all tongueled up.
Se7en is a great movie even if you haven't seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser's Castle? PEACH I MIGHT BE
My wife is angry because I brought home a B.L.T. instead of a roast beef sandwich. Oops, wrong sub.
Where do you hide after a murder? Behind a badge.
A girl called me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home"... I went over. Nobody was home
How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad? Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.
I just want to be rich enough to say "that won't be necessary" when the police go to handcuff me
My friend wrote a philosophical paper about his girlfriends vagina. It was pretty deep
What do Ted Cruz and Donald Trump's dad have in common? They both waited too long to pull out.
Having a wife is like a grenade You pull the ring off, and your house is gone.
Husband sat in his room throwing darts.... at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the target. From another room the wife asks the husband : "What are you doing?" . Husband: "MISSING YOU".
What do you call a Korean girl, who lost her virginity at a young age? Sum-Young Ho
What's better than a rose on your piano? Tulips on your organ EDIT: This blew up. (No pun intended)
Two guys are walking when they come across a dog on the sidewalk, licking his balls. One guys says, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "You better pet him first to make sure he's friendly."
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What's the difference between Toddlers &amp; Tiaras and a scat fetish? One's fucking shit, and the other is a scat fetish. Just made it up, wondered how you guys thought it would be.
4:04 AM Error! Sleep not found!
A particle walks into a bar, but nobody is there. So he waves.
What's the difference between men and women? Actually, there is a vas deferens between the two genders.
A cop pulls over a guy for suspected DUI "How high are you?" the cop says. "No, officer, it's 'Hi, how are you,'" says the guy.
[NSFW] 3 people having se... 3 people having sex is called threesome 2 people having sex is called twosome So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', dont take it as a compliment!
Jaden Smith
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down into a tire and call it a good year.
"Your place or mine?" "But, sir, I just met you. What makes you think I would be interested?" "Lady, let's be honest - why else would a 35-year-old woman be at  carburettor exhibition?"
What's the difference between hard and light? You can sleep with a light on.
What's big and hairy and goes 'beep beep'? A monster in a traffic jam.
I've never met a black person that didn't have a cool nickname.
What do the woman from southern California and the clouds over the Pacific coast have in commen? They're both Marine layers
What did one dog say to the other? How the fuck should I know, I don't speak dog.
The head Counselor gathered all the campers  together. To get their attention the Counselor called out 'Order!  Order!' In a flash someone shouted out 'Hamburger coke and fries!'
Which are the scariest kind of bees? Zombees
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the microphone on his foot and said 'fuck me!' What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
What sound will reddit make when it blows up? Nothing, it's just a website.
I had Taylor Swift in my head all day... ...I just shouldn't shake her off, shake her off...
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust] "Did u just propose using emojis?" ... "Technically its called a propoji, but yes" [She's already gone]
I thought girls liked guys who are assholes? The entire subway ride I refused my seat to like 20 women and not one gave me their number.
"Al-Qaeda: 'ISIS Goes Too Far'." Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I'm having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Wanna hear a joke? I get no karma for this. :(
I had a colonoscopy done the other day and I think it went really well... As I was walking out I overheard the nurses talking about me and I could hear one saying "What an asshole!"
I judge Usain Bolt based on his race All of his races, actually.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Investment I still wonder if my parents knew humans are not much good of an investment
A news reporter introduces his new co-worker on air This Justin
I'm a feminist So is my wife, but because I'm a man, I'm better at it.
I've discovered my home doesn't have a basement. It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
What kind of skin lotion do acrobats use? Cirque d'Olay
What's the difference between a fan and a prostitute One Blows air off you and the other blows air into you.
A man goes for his first prostate exam "I am sorry doctor, but where can I leave my pants?" "Right there where I left mine" - the doctor says
I wonder if people in China call their crappy plates their "America collection."
Why did the chicken cross the beach? To get to the other tide
friend: "we should have a drink sometime" *never contacts them again*
I once knew a guy named Dapeng Nguyen. He was the first Asian-Antarctican.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Why did the Redditor cross the road? To bask in social approval.
I had a wet dream last night about dogs... Talk about coming in my boxers.
I asked my dad if I could go to a 50 cent concert... ... He tossed me a dollar and said "take your brother"
That's the pope favorite method of payment? PayPal
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records Then the librarian told me to take it out.
I tried to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink! (thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)
My grandmothers astrological sign was Cancer. Ironic, how she died. Crushed to death by a giant crab.
How did Helen Keller meet her husband? On a blind date!
Two men walk into a bar... One of them gets a concussion and the other gets a bruise on his forehead.
Did you hear about the masturbating Chinese brothers? Their names were Lo Shin and Ti Shoo
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don't get it.
I'm having an existential crisis because I dialed a wrong number and the man who answered asked me, "Who is you?!"
A couple were working as weed dealers It was a joint operation.
How do skeletons greet each other? Bon'nichiwa
When I take my drugs on Sundays, I always say "Body of Christ" because I'm all religious and shit.
[superhero meeting] "What's your enemy called?" "Dr Doom. Yours?" "Joker" [stifles laughter] "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" [just loses it]
What instrument does the uterus play? The fallopian tuba.
I was thinking about how duckling is our word for little ducks... so I canceled my order for steamed dumplings.
What's a Russian's favorite snack? Chechen Nuggets
Q. What did Snow white say when her photos  didn't come back from the photo store? A. "Some day my prints will come!"
Why did Charles Darwin become a scientist? He was just playing to his strengths. It was really a natural selection.
If you remove ET from the alphabet, how many letters are still there in the alphabet? 21, because ET left Earth in a UFO.
Girls love shoes... so if she throws one at you, you know she's really pissed off.
I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.
[on first date] Let me get that for you. *holds door open* "May I help you, sir?" Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme...
What do you call a German paedophile hiding in the playground bushes? Kinder Surprise!
Knock knock Who's there? The pilot, let me in.
I grabbed my sisters pussy I thought she said "Hold my Purse"
I'm going camping this weekend with a bunch of models. It's going to be pretty in tents.
I used to brush my teeth before I got hooked on plaque I made this joke when my 2 year old son refused to brush his teeth
Just got news that Jesus got sent to prison. Yeah they really nailed him.
If you spin an Asian person around, what do they become? Disoriented.
Racing snail. My racing snail hadn't been out for a while, so i took his shell off to make him more streamlined. Unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
It takes me about 25 minutes to pack a suitcase, but I still always block out 4 hours for it.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Child: "Mom! Mom! The dog is having it off and is f*cking!" Mom: "Yeah, then don't look!" --- ___ --- ___ --- | --- ___ --- 20 seconds later the Child: "But it hurts..."
A Liberian man has 1 pie and shares half with his friend, what does he now have? Ebola, most likely.
I think my girlfriend's love for Einstein's theories is driving us away from each other. But, hey. I'll be a good guy and understand if she just wants some time and space.
First time and with a hooker They are both naked and he says -"this is my first time..." she says -"relax and tell me what you like..." -"cheesburguer"
Why couldn't the pregnent women watch all of the Harry Potter movies? Because they lactate.
Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline: If at first you don't succeed...
There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color
Have y'all heard that new hot rapper with Muscular Dystrophy? "TWO CAAAAAAAAAAAAANES!"
Smoking is a scientific wonder! It kills people, but cures salmon.
Whats pink and always slippery? A pink slipper
A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.
The whole "bad boy" thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That's soooo hot
How many bros does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer Natural Light.
What is a tick's favorite fruit? Lime.
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler Boy, did I wake up exhausted!
What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet? There's Noel.
If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I'ma need one of you to make good on the "I'll help you hide a body" promise.
Why are Plumbers always so tired? Because their job is draining.
What do trees take when they have a headache? Aleve.
eating dinner with a gun in both of my hands is challenging but i realized i can just shoot the food and catch the splatter in my mouth
Medusa is the sexiest woman to ever live... everyone who saw her got hard
What do you call a male cow wearing a pink shirt, orange shorts, and a purple backpack? Adorable (A-dora-bull)
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston. Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright!
Why wouldn't you ever see a pachyderm on a civil warship? Because an elephant never frigates. aaahhhthankyou
What do you tell a girl with 2 black eyes? NSFW Nothing! You already told that bitch twice.
What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
Doctor: i'd like you to step on the scale. Me: You first, pal.
Why can't the plane fly? Because it's grounded.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked... Not sure what scared him more; my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
If I were to invade Djibouti... Do you think Greece would help? [read out loud]
1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.
Why'd the star go to the bathroom? Because it had to twinkle.
Why did the farmer run through his fields with a steamroller? Because he wanted mashed potatoes!!!!
What do feminists and Sports Authority have in common? They've got a rivalry with Dicks
Life just isn't fair sometimes. Woman can sell it but men can't even give it away.
What's a pirates favorite letter? If you said "R", you'd be wrong. You might think that it is "r", but it be the "c"!
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island Island Man: oh come on not this again
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.
Guns don't kill people Bullets do
Interviewer: "Your resume says you have a bad memory." Me: "I said that?"
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar QUICK! Bar the door and burn it down!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed Trump: I'm gonna be the president Castro: well then
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!!
If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today... The solar system would need more planets for the title.
I'd rather be chased by a pack of cannibal Oompa Loompas riding hungry velociraptors than go to your kid's Chuck E. Cheese birthday party.
Every time your kid starts crying when they don't get what they want, just say "I don't negotiate with terrorists."
I was gonna make a joke about my dog being a freak on a leash... But it was too korny
Another from my 25+ year old joke book... Girl 1: Whenever I'm down in the dumps I get a new hat. Girl 2: Oh, that's where you get them!
How to make money on youtube? Step 1. Submit a false claim Step 2. Collect that money Step 3. ???? Step 4. Massive profit for doing nothing
Not to brag but I can still fit in my culturally-defined gender roles from high school!
Every minute arguing semantics on the internet Is exactly 43.56 seconds wasted.
Since Trump got elected 2.5 million Americans want to leave the country That's 2.5 million jobs he's already made!
I'm wearing this hipster's carcass ironically.
What do you call an STD for homeless people? Hermit Crabs
Electrician jokes Ohm my god, watt the fuck, breakers be trippin'
Kylo Ren: I can't read your mind! How are you resisting me?! Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If a man opens the car door for his wife... it's either a new car or a new wife.
If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
Plot twist: Everybody shoots Cupid with an arrow.
I caught a friend betting on a hospitalized children's limbo contest... When I confronted him, I asked, "HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?"
There is a "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "us" in trust, "ex" in "next" & "if" in life.
We trace hands to make turkeys. Quite a handy technique.
What did Helen Keller say when she fell into the snow? Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.
If you don't know what an prefix is, don't worry. It's not the end of the word.
"You like mayonnaise? Prove it." - Costco
Chuck Norris Joke. Why does Mona Lisa smiling? The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.
What is the main position candidate Jim Webb is campaigning on? Debate time reform.
What's red and black and screaming all over? Stevie Wonder when he answers the iron.
There should be a food group called "fuck it."
What do you call an Indian lesbian? Mingita...
I used to work as a prostitute... ... due to lack of fucks to give I quit my job.
Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.
Me: Thanks for the sex. Me: You're welcome. Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room. Me: That'd be nice.
How many Viet Nam vets does it take to change a light bulb? You don't know? That's right, you *don't* know, because you weren't there, man!
i'm sorry but hating something that lots of people love doesn't automatically make u an interesting person
So back in Gr.8 Science, class reading of a chapter in biology... The dyslexic girl had issues talking about the growth and creation of orgasms.
I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Women With cream in her
A man asks his friend on skype.. "Is that a condom on your hand?" the friend replies " no Its a fucking glove". The man replies "Thats exactly what i am saying".
What's gambling like in heaven? It's a pair-a-dice.
How do you know when spring is here? the Leafs are out!
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 jumpers they went 79 stories in 10 seconds.
I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Just itched my crotch while trying to swat a fly and four people told me I was a good dancer.
Welcome to night club. I know it's dark, but that's kinda the poi-- *metal screeching* Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Poor Product Name Power equipment manufacturer Stihl recently developed a baby harness. They're calling it the Stihl Bjorn. So far, the only order placed has been by Rick Santorum.
What Do You Call 5 Black People Having Sex? A threesome
Imagine if Hannibal was a university professor I'd love to go to a Hannibal Lecture!
I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.
Why was the Router released early from prison? It had connections.
Me: Whatcha making? Mom: Dill bread. Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough? Mom: Get out.
Cher puts out an album only covering Meatloaf. Title: Cher the Meatloaf
Donald trump Is a good president
*orders pepperoni pizza* Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself. *calls back, adds mushrooms*
What does a pirate do for entertainment? Whatever floats his boat.
Why do people with heart disease always lose at poker? They have to take ACE inhibitors.
What do you call the crucified baby Jesus? Baby on board.
[my first day hosting shopping channel] "for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you" [holds up a coconut]
Played an organ for the first time today I really enjoyed it, but my patient didn't.
There are two kinds of people in the world Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
People ask me to do things months in advance and I'm like, WOW, how does it feel not to expect you might die by freak accident at any time?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Don't tell them but... I write horrible things about illiterate people.
What do you call a hippo in Antarctica?! LOST!! (I'll show myself out now)
The fire service is attending to a man who is trapped after falling into a vat of bourbon at the Jim Beam factory. Although, he is said to be in good spirits.
What's the difference between an ant and a bird? A bird can fly.
Just texted "I love you" to about 40 phone numbers I made up.
What do you call it when Bob Dylan sucks your dick in a hurricane? The answer my friend... is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend and an impoverished Sierra Leonean child laborer's worst nightmare.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
What's E.T short for... Cuz he's only got little legs
I can't stop making figurines of Frodo It's hobbit forming.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them with feminists.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
New years eve  one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early.
What do all rioters have in common? Youth
What came first? The chicken or the egg? Clearly the chicken. How would an egg orgasm?
What is a perfect society formed by a Asian called? A Yutopia
Just tried black coffee for the first time Not my cup of tea
What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever.
Let me tell you about the first time I had sex... I was scared, it was dark, and I was alone.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you're carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I saw a dwarf escaping from jail down the side of a wall As he passed by, he sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder.
I would tell you a joke about Iowa... ...but it'd be pretty corny.
On sex, Confucius say: "Couple who have sex on side of hill, not level"
A lot of schools are back in session. Remember if you study hard enough there will still be no jobs when you graduate.
have u ever tried to break a crush by looking at their Facebook like PLEASE post abt Mumford & sons or smth so I can be free from this curse
Where is the lift? American: You mean the elevator? English: Yes, we call it a lift. American: It's called an elevator. We invented it. English: And we invented the language.
Sleep with too many rich people and you can get Herpes
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
What is Jesus' favorite workout? Pontius Pilates
Knock-Knock [pic]
A black guy a spanish guy and an arab walk in to a bar.. The bartender says GET THE FUCK OUT
Ops mom Wait... shit.
What does a house wear? Address!
Day 2 It's been two days since I've been on reddit, hopefully i have the strength to..... GOD DAMNIT!
I like my women like I like my wine 12 years old and locked in the basement Edit:I like most things without dicks aswell
What do you call an equation with no solution? A hypocrite.
Heard a good joke from a patient today. (Xpost from /r/nursing) Two inmates standing around. One lets out a loud fart and the other says, "Hey, that sounds about my size." Had to share...
Did you hear about the guy who died from eating too many doughnuts? You could say... He went out in a glaze of glory (_) ( _)&gt;- (_)
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? Both have a 1 in 2 millon chance of being a person someday.
A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office.
I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amahl ! Amahl who ? Amahl shook up !
Time Travel! I found a way to time travel but it only works at a rate of one second per second.
Husband -Talking to wife I have a problem Wife - how many times must i tell you that it is "we," "we have a problem". Husband - Ok, sweetie, we have a problem. My secretary is having our baby
For tax purposes, my carpe is now per diem.
I bet Vegans that become zombies must really struggle with the whole brain-eating lifestyle...
To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian.
Went to the doctor I told him everytime I have sex I cry. He explained it's from the mace.
What did the mayor of dinosaur town say when crime increased by 50%? This calls for Jurastic changes
My idiot son turned 21 today... ...he says the last ten years were way better than the first nine.
Vet: "I can see the head... ...here's the neck... ...more neck... ...more neck... ...neck... ...neck... ...neck... ...still more neck... ...neck... ...it's a giraffe!"
Prison seems to have it all. Free food, free housing, free sex.
Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding
If you are a woman and you like men that wear glasses... I am full of specs appeal.
Is it ok if i touch the paintings i have poor eyesight. also i have to have BBQ sauce on my hands because of religion
Whats the difference between a gorilla and a guillotine? No one gets their dick out for a guillotine
Writing a romcom about a human centipede front that falls in love with a human centipede back. Middle guy is the comic relief "cockblocker"
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Jared Fogle says, "Spell 'Tuna Sub' backwards and that's what I'll do in your kid's face"
Why are bears so hairy ? They don't have salons in the jungle !
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head* M: Wow, look at that! 12: Hang on. There's A LOT more! M: 12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Why did the Mexican jump the border? To get back to Mexico
Two muffins sitting in an oven... The first turns to the other and says "Holy shit, it's hot in here" The other exclaims "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
Ellen Degeneres Found Dead She Was Found Face Down In Ricki Lake :D
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Teacher to Student Why are you looking at the monkey outside the window when I am here. What sentence seemingly appropriate makes you burst into laughter?
Many people think a pirates favourite letter is R. It's actually the C
What is the best food to eat after a circumcision? Brissket
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
If you have to pick up 9 cans on your desk before you find the one with beer in it, you........ you'd forget the fucking punch line too.
How many 2nd trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They can't get that high! (My band teacher told me that one today)
We should call people who vape... *vapires*
Why did the artists stay away from the irritable blacksmith? Nobody wanted to draw his iron.
Will reddit let me get by with this one? What do the WWE and CNN have in common? They're both fake, but sometimes people still get hurt.
When a bite of food falls off your plate... And you just stare at it on the ground like, "We could've made each other happy..."
[nearing end of first date] Me: I'll give you a call later, OK? Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
What's it called when two strains of a disease are identical? plague-arism
What is the difference between pick and choose? To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.
My friend texted saying she was threatened by an organization. "And their name was" "ISIS" "Calm down! Is who?"
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Why Don't I Have Laugh Lines? Because I never smile. :(
Why are people in jail always mad? Because they are constantly butt-hurt.
What did they do with the Crazy 8's? They put it in Solitaire confinement.
What do you call americans flying to space? The plot for Wall-E
Have you ever played the game of pocket tennis? ..it's when you like keeping your hands in your pocket, when you have holes in them and you're not wearing any underwear.
Why couldn't the physicists change the lightbulb? Too much work.
Weird how TV characters hardly watch any TV.
Did you hear about the organic chemical terrorist group? They call themselves Al-Dehydes.
I call my penis "my aircraft carrier" Because there are always seamen in it.
What do you say when only the egg remains? It's all ovum now
A teenager was stabbed to death in a shopping mall over a stolen pair of trainers. Those security guards don't fuck about.
What do you get if you cross teeth with candy ? Dental floss !
Life is like toilet paper... Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
I heard about a dog that was half bulldog and half shihtzu. Bullshit.
I'm really glad that Obama won in 2008 and was able to be the first black president of the United States of America his back up job was to be the first white president of Kenya.
A man walks into a bar... ...with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."
Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago...Still no abs.
I like NPR because you always know how much saliva is inside every announcer's mouth at all times.
what's the difference between two dicks and a joke you don't look like you could take a joke
[crime scene] *detective snaps pics of murder victim* Corpse: delete it
What a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.
A redneck looks at a Mexican right in the eye and says, "how does it feel to marry my ex wife and have my sloppy seconds?" "not bad," replies Juan,"after 2.5 inches deep she felt brand new"
How did you quit smoking? Decided to smoke only after sex
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's fuckin' worth it. A friend's divorce is being finalized today and he often says this.
Using a butter knife on steak... it just doesn't cut it.
What would Captain America be called if he fought in Vietnam? You weren't there man
I just slept 8 hours straight Then another 2 hours gay
Kids born after 2012 will have a hard time believing there were actually movies without Kevin Hart in them.
Why does Jesus eat at Benihana? Because he loves miso!
I like my apples how I like my penis... In cider.
Someone asked Russell Wilson if he wanted to win the Super Bowl. He said he would pass.
What type of gun do time travelers use? A Clock-18
At the end of the Age of Dinosaurs what happened to the good ones? They got veloci-raptured.
I've heard of trauma causing blindness like when Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles walked in on each other masturbating
Overheard this locker room convo: "The new school janitor is weird. He's always hiding in here when we're showering". I took my mop and left
Did Steve Jobs' house have windows? ...
Did you hear about that mathematician who only used furniture made out of clocks? He loved his times tables.
Chuck Norris isn't real... If he had been real, he would've come here and probably smash my head on my keyboarjfjcjcndndjxucbfjdi oejebhh jdudyehsbsj
The Oregon Problem The latest opinion-type poll Says Oregon's out of control Football - U of O Marijuana - you know Both of them got "smoked in a bowl"
Without nipples... ... Breasts would be pointless.
"Who watches this shit?" - Me, watching shit
Live today like it's your last. Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn't.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? one's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean
My article on chickens was very well received. It might win the pullet-ser prize.
A thermometer and a syringe walk into a bar... The bartender says "look at this dude he has so many degrees!", The syringe comes up and says "Hah what a loser, at least I'm graduated"
What's an archaeologist's favorite verb? Bone.
I hate people who don't finish
I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn't see it
My phone bill was huge this month. A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn't real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Hey guy's I'm the titanic I would like to nominate all of my passengers and crew to do the ALS ice bucket challenge, you have 24 hours!
Is it still a walk of shame if I'm leaving my own house? It ain't like I'm proud of what happened in there.
Is that a banana in your pocket or have you been lying about your name being Amy?
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
if ur sad abowt not havin an valentien on valentienz day remembr dat sum ppl do'nt hav an patrik on st patriks day
GOD: Moses!! I COMMAND YOU TOcan you take your shoes off MOSES: What? Why G: I'm trying to keep the place nice, OK? M: It's a mountain
How does William Shakespeare make chili? With beans? Or not with beans? That is the question.
Whenever I look in the mirror I call myself ugly. because it hurts more coming from someone pretty.
How do you say Constipated in German? Farfrompoopin
How did the Jamaican meteorologist report the risk of flash flooding? "Mon, soon."
What did Batman give Doctor Freeze with his whisky? Just-ice
Fact about apple car It has Windows
Why did Bill Gates &amp; Warren Buffett once have me quickly kicked out of a game of bridge? When it was my turn to bid I kept saying, "Go fish".
How many Freudian slips does it take to change a lightboob?
Legally,It's questionable. Morally,It's disgusting. Personally,I like it.
Why was the Mercedes Benz on sales? Because they've removed 6 rows of yellow LED strips...
A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
*waits for you to fall asleep* *rolls out from under your bed* *moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Movie critics have said some negative things about the new movie Jobs... I guess Ashton Kutcher didn't do a good Jobs.
GAME SHOW IDEA: Man hands wife his phone. If he can let her look at it for 60 secs without looking uncomfortable, he wins a billion dollars.
El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive. I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
I've been going to the gym for five years now and I still don't have abs. It sucks being the cleaner.
What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn't go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife* CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno "reverse" card* B: SHIT ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My job keeps asking me to sign up for a marathon. I keep telling them I can't. I'm out of shape, I have weak knees, and 401k is a long way to run.
PC is getting way out of hand. You can't even say black paint anymore. Instead it's gotta be "Jamal, please paint."
I really admire what Caitlyn Jenner did Took some balls
Why do pedophiles like to play guitar? Because it's completely ok to finger A minor
As a Florida resident... at least I'll have medical marijuana to treat the fucking cancer this election has given me. I won't even need a lighter, seeing as the country is already on fire.
When the blonde found out her toaster wasn't water proof, she was shocked. A man walked into a therapist office wearing nothing but shrink wrap. The therapist said, "I can clearly see you're nuts"
I'm having a very hard time believing that money can't buy me happiness. Especially since I'm constantly smiling when I have it.
I wrote a college paper about government agencies slowly encroaching on internet privacy. It's called "NSA: An Essay."
Cocaine so white it looks around the room before saying "nigga"
Where does the general keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
I wasn't going to have a cardiac transplant But then I had a change of heart
In Italy, they call me Olive Oil Its because im extra virgin. :(
Why are successful people such assholes? They get shit done.
When a relationship becomes too much work can you outsource the work to China?
Why did the frog jump under the lawn mower? He wanted to Kermit suicide.
What did the doctor say When a fruit walked into his office that was feeling like a vegetable? ...what's tomato with you?!
What do you mean you're not going to spank me? I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Texts: Cool! What does it say? Emails: Oh God... what do they want? Phone call: I basically assume someone has died.
The phrase "Silence is golden" doesn't make any sense because duct tape is silver.
What is the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster who got breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Is it that you think I can't eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won't? Either way, you're wrong.
What's the worlds longest sentence? I do.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
If there's a pedicure, why are there still pedophiles?
Why don't Italians do bondage? Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.
Who do they bring in if the stand up comedian dies during the show? A stand in comedian
I've been reading the thesaurus a lot lately... because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
*gets into trouble* Trouble: Wrong hole.
After realizing that I was living a boring, directionless, and empty life, I went to South Korea.. to go Seoul searching.
Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.
How much porn did Jared Fogle have on his computer? A pedobyte.
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids? She's a transparent.
The sad porno What did the man say after he saw a sad porno? -That one was a real tear jerker.
Snoo VS Reddit Stalker More like... ***Alien VS Predator...*** **/o\**
What is grey and comes in quarts? An elephant
Why is George Michaels never gonna dance again? His EKG ain't got no rythym
I always think the same thing when I find a Zubat and when I meet a stuck-up woman... I'm not wasting my balls on that!
How do you know if your roommate is gay? When his Dick tastes like shit
COP:Do u know how fast u were going ME: The posted speed limit, 495 COP: Sir that's the route number, i don't even know how I caught up to u
I made a belt out of watches once... It was a complete waist of time.
What's the most popular pickup line at a gay bar? "Hey, can I push your stool in?"
I think it's just about time to sit my 9yr old down and give her the "Your mom is a pyscho and you're probably gonna end up one too" speech.
How are one out of three American Boats born? By Sea-Section.
What do you call a vegetarian fart? Kale force wind!
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.
What does a psychologist wear to bed? A Freudian slip.
What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs? Names. Get it? Sorry, I just heard this joke somewhere, I'm not trying to offend anyone, it's just a joke.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there's no more soda?
Why don't Pentacostals have sex standing up? It might lead to dancing.
Did you know that Hitler invested in Minute Maid before he died? He heard they were 100% concentrated juice.
Girl at store thought CNN's Situation Room starred The Situation. No. Wolf Blitzer joins the cast of #jerseyshore next season.
'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
The sign at this gas station says "turn engine off" so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
What are Mario's pants made of? Denim denim denim.
What do you call a wine loving horse? Chardon-neigh.
I became a proud dad today My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.
How do you defeat your enemies? Chop off their feet.
A joke I've been working on. So a guy dies in a car wreck. He wakes up waiting in a line labeled automotive accidents. The guy in front of him and says " You from South Carolina too?"
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[1st Date] (Okay, don't let her know you're addicted to eating fruit) Me: This is good [2nd Date] [3rd Date] [4th Date] [5th Date] Her: Stop
Guy walks into a bakery and sees a green loaf of bread and asks the baker how he made it Baker says "Avocadough"
anyone who puts that dumb ass Gotye song on when im with them instantly becomes somebody that i used to know.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I'd make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk
What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other? Lets get Jobs!
A man is in his doctors office. The doctor says "Sir you need to stop masturbating". "Why" asks the man. The doctor replies "It's making it difficult to finish the examination".
My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. :)
My favorite endangered species is the black NASCAR fan.
The first woman on the moon. "Houston we have a problem." What? "nevermind" What's the problem?? "nothing" Please tell us!? "You know what the problem is."
Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea. Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.
Made a small donation to a street comedian for this gem... how do you know your at a gay picnic? The hot dogs taste like shit
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles...
Lincoln cars can't turn left. They're all right, all right, all riiiggghhht
Knock Knock Who's there ! Crete ! Crete who ? Crete to see you again !
What did the slutty interstate say to the porche? I got curbs!
Cracks chemistry joke No reaction
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Who's a bitch? PinkShine
What's black and found at the top of a stair case? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
R.I.P Dense Water Vapour. You will always be mist.
What is the tastiest liquid in a fruit? The IV Drip
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Elevator jokes are pretty funny They work on so many levels
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I like my women like I like my ice cream. Freezer-burned
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair black? Artificial intelligence.
What's the difference between skinny and squat? I never took a skinny on a girl's chest.
What happens when you put the Energizer bunny's batteries in backwards? It keeps coming, and coming, and coming...
There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.
Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke's still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, "Use the forks, Luke."
What's a vampire's favorite drink? A Bloody Mary.
How does a burger acquire good taste? With a little seasoning!
Why is revenge a dish best served cold? Because it's just-ice
My girlfriend just texted me, her dragon name was "Vaerjuam". I was like " Hey Vaerjuam. I'm dad."
I've been studying Israeli army martial arts. I now know 16 different ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back.
Q. What do you call a one legged  linedancer? A. Eileen (I Lean)
I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM... ...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.
An officer pulled me over for driving erratically, but it was because some bees had gotten into my car. He must have thought I was buzzed.
Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
My 5 year old just ended a phone call with "I gotta jump, Daddy. I'm out." And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.
What is Donald Trump telling Independents? Orange is the new black.
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect.
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
How many toes does Trump have on the outside of his body? 5. The rest are constantly in his mouth.
Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies !
My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet. Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age...or I dress like a tween.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.
Autocorrect changed "killing spree" to "killing soiree" so bring your finest evening attire because murder can be classy.
Oscar Pistorius misunderstood his girlfriend... when she said: "for Valentines day, can you take me out?"
What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove
Nothing says "I'm an American" more than ordering a pizza online and tweeting about it and then hating soccer.
"Wouldn't it suck to be homeless? Come try it." -- campgrounds
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
What do you call the security guards outside a Samsung factory? Guardians of the Galaxy
Hungary conquered Turkey... They had to change their name to Full.
Teacher: What are the Great Plains? Pupil: 747 Concorde and F-16!
Say what you will about censorship on Reddit [removed]
*baby takes first step* wow took you long enough
Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee! Haha jk, we can talk. How many of the commemorative state quarters have you collected? I have 40.
"Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight". - Why we'll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
*shakes the ATM like it's a vending machine*
My idea of Hell would be Carrot Top and Shaun White taking turns sneezing in my face.
Why was the gunman on a diet? Because he was still at large.
I had a terrible nightmare last night that I ate a muffler. Today, I'm so exhausted.
You know what they say about STD'S Sharing is caring
Only one man has ever entered parliament with honest intentions... ... Guy Fawkes
What did the drug dealer say when he saw the clock. Its 4:20 dude!!! 420 blaze it
I'm celibate because i don't give a fuck.
Is it just me? ... or are circles pointless
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?" "My crippling alcoholism is destroying my family"
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are we running so fast?" asked one. "Because" said the second "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"
My buddy said he'd give his right arm to be ambidextrous I can only admire such dedication.
Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Nah, that would be too long anyway.
Why is it customary to drink 8 mojitos a day in Cuba? It's the Hemming way.
USA has Democracy, Syria has Autocracy, Iran has Theocracy, and Britain has... Pedocracy.
Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.
(DARK HUMOR) Why can't Jesus eat M&amp;M's? Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Gandalf chuckled to himself as the boat left shore. "I just noticed," he whispered, "your name sounds like Dildo" #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
How do you make a journalist laugh? By giving them ar-ticles!
"We are going to Taiwan" Juan: No, please don't!
There are 2 types of people in the world, those who will admit they've masturbated to their own image in the mirror... ... and ugly people.
Before going to your partner's parents' house for the 1st time, it's very important to ask "How much Jesus stuff can I expect to see?"
I chuckled at this one Suicidal arsonist burned at the stake.
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me. now if i were a diamond ring, where would i hide ...
What did Snoop Dogg say upon graduation as a EE major? My circuit breaker be trippin and my joint wouldn't solder...
Just saw the hottest DILF! (it was glazed)
I wonder what part of the Constitution we'll all be fighting over today? I hope it's the preamble. That part's bullshit.
Apparently they're making a Middle Eastern version of 'The Flintstones'... ...and while Dubai doesn't like it, Abu Dhabi do.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbians Apparently 'HD' wasn't the right answer
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
What do you call a proton with big hair? A 'froton.
A boy goes into a butcher's shop and says, Mum says can we please have a sheep's head...". "...and you're to leave the eyes in 'cos it's got to see us through the week." Credit to Terry Pratchett.
I'm not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
I hope Confucius type jokes are alright. Chinese mating robots, make many chinks.
[Clean] You can tell that someone is not from an English speaking country if... ...if their phone's personal dictionary is full of people's names.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich Me: You too! Subway Guy: Me: Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Taste...
Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election! As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican
Good thing Father's Day is only one day. I don't think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Your beer is like having sex in a canoe and living on a pacific island surrounded by rising sealevels... It`s too fucking close to water!
I like my women like I like my coffee, Quiet.
What do you do to a dead scientist? You Barium
A guy just said he wants to know what I got "in the trunk" I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder Flirting is hard
I raped someone so hard in a LoL match last night but forgot to record it It's ok. Found it on Pornhub.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why couldn't Miley Cyrus go to the party? She had to go t'work instead.
Testing, please ignore Test^(ing)
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate expert? A: A pork chop.
My wife told me "Sex is better on Holiday".[OC] And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how she told me that she was a lesbian.
How did Jesus feel after the last supper? A bit cross.
"I don't understand the value in seeing a therapist." - People who haven't spent time with me yet.
I'm "I lost my car in a parking lot" years old *clicks alarm, clicks alarm* *silence* Am I even in the right parking lot?
Girl: "Hey, whats up?" Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?" 
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? pumpkin pi
[God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say "when" once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Katie Price has called her baby Bunny. Nice bit of meat to go with the vegetable that she already has.
"Mom?" "Yes?" "Are we having seafood for dinner?" "No, why?" "I heard Dad on the phone." "And?" "He said that he picked up a case of crabs."
A fox: People aren't so bad. I hear they named a news station after us. [Watches 1 minute of Hannity] We attack the humans at dawn.
Me: It's not illegal to be rude to cops. Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect? Me: That's why we don't make bears cops.
the guy at the liquor store didn't card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we're just standing here
i feel like a hundred bucks! *my soul erupts with the strength of 100 wild male deers*
Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please  society
birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
she was only a fishmongers daughter... but she could lay it on the slab and say fillet.
What did the guy with 5 penises say? "These pants fit like a glove"
Hey honey, I bought some steaks. I need you to stand on this box next to me while I eat them. Because it says right here, "Best if consumed by date on package."
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
Two guys who vape walk into a bar I only know because they're naked on the bar blowing their vapes up each others' assholes right now.
[pirate ship] Pirate: Walk the plank Me: *struts down like nobody's business* Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you're one of us now
What's brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and ends with "T", and has a "U" and an "N" in it? A coconut.
What does Captain Falcon say when he goes to Starbucks? "Show me your brews!"
Why did the Gluteus Maximus feel bullied? He was the butt of many jokes.
With all the negative news lately ...about the Paris attacks, ISIS and the Syrians taking over the world there is one thing that is positive and that's Charlie Sheen.
Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
My friend just posted this on Facebook. He'll make a classic dad one day. I remember 2013 like it was yesterday OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!
Don't tell me what your cats' names are, I'll call'em what I want. Oh, Mittens & Snuggles? WRONG. THAT'S WILDSTYLE & THAT'S SNACKMOUTH.
What was the buffalo's last words to his teenager as he sent him off to college? Bison
What's up with all these dudes growing 70s porn mustaches? They tickle.
How are condoms like cameras? They capture your special moments.
What makes a glow worm glow ? A light meal !
What powerful reptile is found in  the Sydney opera house ? The Lizard of Oz !
Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice? Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.
Explosion at a pie factory. 3.14159265 dead.
Why do I only see lesbian couples holding hands? Aren't their hands clammy enough as it is...
I've come to the realisation that tofu is over rated- It's just a curd to me.
What sound does an Italian make when you shoot him? Wop
*Leaves home for the day... *Fears I left something behind *Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone. *Grabs phone & leaves.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo...going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Good one liner You have a striking face.....how many times has it been struck?
Q: What do you call an earthquake fault? A: A topographical error.
What do you get when you cross sriracha, Little Caesars, and a donkey? A hot pizza ass! Like... like a hot... piece of... you get it.
SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three  candles for your party? PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one candle.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
We should rename Reddit to Redpost. Because everything is a repost.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn't even at work. He heard from home.
It's not a matter of WHEN the world will end... ...it's WHICH Applebee's you find out at.
I've never really been into French Impressionistic music, but lately... ...it's been grabbing me by Debussy.
My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn't feel like it.
*wakes up drenched in sweat* WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
What causes the bird on a pirate's shoulder to repeat 'pieces of nine, pieces of seven, pieces of nine....'? Parity error.
Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant?  Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
S.I.N.G.L.E...sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!
How do you know if someone's vegan? Someone else will make a vegan joke, then when the vegan points out that non vegans refer to veganism more than vegans do, some jackass will say "found the vegan"
What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? they're fun to ride until your friends find out.
Eli5 What is it like being six.
I really like that new Westworld show. But sex with robots makes me uncomfortable. Every time I try it - my nuts get pinched in her gearbox
Woman are alot like square numbers If there under 13 do them in your head
I'm gonna drink until she's pretty then fuck her until she's ugly again.
Apparently Great Clips doesn't like it when you sit in there 8hrs/day chomping on a cigar shouting HE AINT PRETTY NO MORE after every cut
What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds? Exit the European Union.
What do you call a grandpa who couldn't understand why his email wanted to upload his attachment to share it? An old man yelling at the cloud
My brain knows that there's a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Non-native English speakers are the number one victim... ...of getting punched in the mouse.
A termite walks into a bar... And he asks, "is the bar tender here?"
Whats the best thing Orlando Bloom's ever been in? Katy Perry
My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind. just so long as he's healthy.
The first rule of Alzheimer's's Club? The first rule of Alzheimer's's Club, Is that you don't talk about Chess Club.
Did you hear about the dwarf fortune teller that killed two of his clients? Police are looking for a small medium at large.
Typed in "My Penis" for a password Said it was "too long."
Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.
I plan to forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being stupid and forget you ever existed.
The price of oil has dropped so far that... Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
Jokes What do you get when you cross a chicken and a bed
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what? Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walks into a bar... He orders a drink
I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
WOLVERINE'S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine WOLVERINE: No, father WOLVERINE'S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine's Dad
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
Where do bad pigs go? They get sent to the pen.
What did Snoop say Dr. Dre while binge watching their favorite TV show? Are you ready for the next episode?
It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle. He just didn't have the balls to do it
these tweets brought to you by me waiting to hear back from my weed guy
I googled 'missing medieval servant boy' 404 Paige not found
How do you spot a sumo at a feminist rally? Look for the one with shaved legs....
[sitting in doctor's office] It's bad news. You have a rare case of contagious memory loss. "What do you mean?" I can't remember.
Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad? Because America is never wrong.
Don't believe that bullshit. Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions. Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I've been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?
What's more annoying on the internet, a troll or spam? Your mom!
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Nobody I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
What is a martian's favourite chocolate? A mars bar
When I was 12 I got kidnapped. When my parents found out they snapped into action. They rented out my room.
What's a rabbits' favorite movie? Rabbits of the Lost Ark.
I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...
"Girl, if I have to put my love for you in numbers..." It will be cincuentas.
[zoo] Hey dad, where are mountain lions from? *dad panics* -Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...
I'm not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription. Well he called it a receipt...whatever.
On what kind of ships do students study? Scholarships.
What was the last food delivered to the Twin Towers? Pizza. Someone ordered two large planes.
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito? Nothing. You can't cross a scaler and a vector
It blows my mind that people walk around acting like Steve Harvey won't jump out from behind a bush at any moment & murder them.
I thought I spotted superman twice yesterday. Turns out it was just a bird and a plane. -Dwight York
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you're too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Steph Curry did what Lebron couldn't do Win a championship in Cleveland
How do you make a Chevy Malibu float? Pour a glass of soda and add two scoops of Chevy Malibu
The men who sarcastically ask women if they're on their period are completely ruining it for the rest of us who are genuinely curious.
Whenever anyone mentions something about a vicious cycle, I imagine an evil bike that can't stop killing.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Worst name for a group of election tellers. The tally-band.
Why doesn't men use make-up or perfume? Because we're beautiful and smell good!
"But I need braaaaaaains!" ~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally
Q: What do you call a white, poofy space alien? A: Martianmallow.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Why do robots make bad lovers? Nuts &amp; bolts!
Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is monogamy.
I know where to get a lot of Potassium. It's true !! Source: Banana
What is a dental hygienist's favorite subject? Flossophy.
Did you guys hear about the shoe store that got looted in Baltimore? The only thing they left were the work boots.
Me flirting at a party me: so what's your major her: radiology me: oh cool AM or FM?
Why did Simba's father die? Because he couldn't Mufasa!
My friend just found out that he is Gay and Dyslexic... He is still in daniel.
Q: Why did the chicken say "Meow oink bow-wow and moo?" A: He was studying foreign languages.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it's wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I've been suffering from amnesia. Or was it dyslexia? All I know is that I can't remember it and I sure as hell can't spell it.
Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy he built a pig-powered car. He has to get rid of it though. Every time he turns a corner the tires squeal
I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads! (England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)
I met Mrs. Right today Too bad she's already married.
You'll sleep when you're dead?...that's adorable. Well, I'll lose weight when I'm dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Your momma is so ugly that Scorpion says "Get away from me"
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
Gay people make me sick I should really stop deepthroating them so hard...
How do you confuse an idiot? Seven.
[ultrasound] Dr: your baby is 7mm in length Me [whispering to wife]: ask him Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Whats the difference between a fetus and a meme? You cant kill a Meme
Who won the Asian cooking contest? It was a Thai!
What's brown and sticky? A poop.
How much is an M&amp;M? 50 cents. That's Ludicris!
Sometimes I think to myself... and then other times I don't
Have you ever noticed the lack of trigger discipline cops have in movies? It's so realistic.
I know 3 jokes about cheese... But none of them are as gouda 'dis one.
"FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE": BECAUSE YELLING, "YOU SHOULD REALLY SIGNAL BEFORE YOU CHANGE LANES" IS A TAD VERBOSE
How do you find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
i was dating a hot air balloonist at least she let me down gently
Why Wasn't Jesus born in Italy? They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now but I'm still proud...
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I'm a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind! Roommate: You DO know that's a guy...right?
What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.
The president of a popular mail-order business just died. The funeral will be held in 3 - 5 business days.
has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life
My Korean girlfriend once cooked me a pie made from scratch. I was gutted. I loved that dog. Mark Restuccia
What did the scornful owl say? Twit twoo.
If the Nazi's were a football team, what would be their favorite play? Blitz!
Every time we disagree she suddenly wants a threesome, saying "Now you're gonna fuck a nargue with me." Please help me find a hot nargue.
1886: We invented a car! 1903: We invented a plane! 1969: We went to the moon! ... ... ... ... ... ... 2015: Taco Emoji!
Uncle got surgery to get 12 nipples It's not just me, it sounds super weird, dozen tit?
What's Grey and Comes in Quarts? An Elephant.
me: *rubs lamp* genie: I will grant you three wishes me: can you go away I'm rubbing this lamp
My grandpa always said, it's good to meet a girl in the park... But it's better to park your meat in a girl.
How many lawyer jokes are there? 3, and the rest are true stories.
How do you call an intelligent blonde? A Labrador.
Band:Make some noise! Crowd:WOOO! Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?! B:I cant hear u! C:WOOO! M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!
My friend Jerry was going to be a pilot... but that career never took off.
Love when skinny people complain that they feel fat. I just shrug & tell them to eat less. Go fish for compliments somewhere else, bitch.
Wonder which part of Batman's belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Told my dad I had sex with a girl who had HIV. He asked if I was positive.
Scientists have reversed Global Warming! Get rekt, Sun!
What do you call a clown eating a mushroom? Jeff
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I'm left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that's cheating?
See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They're real prose.
My Zombie Friend was getting fat. So his doctor put him on a diet. It was a no-brainer.
Q: Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads? A: They want to measure their intelligence.
Why couldn't 5 stop drinking? Because it was 2 turnt up
Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed!
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Apparently you can't get a sick leave just because you're sick of seeing everyone at the office.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there's no need.
When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."
How does a feminist change a light-bulb? Just kidding, feminists don't change shit.
What do you call Wolverine post-op? An x-man.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, it was the selfish Rooster that came first and the Hen never even finished.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
So, hows your DNS lookup up? Yet again, I am very sorry.
What does it's job ONLY after it has been fired? A bullet
I think I pulled a muscle avoiding my neighbor in the grocery store.
Have you ever seen the house Ray Charles lived in? Neither did he.
Don't let herpes become yourpes.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station the others a busty crustacean
How does someone become a sex expert? They learn the ins and outs
I finally figured out what I wanna be when I get older...........................Younger!
How did the clerk greet the prostitute? "What can I do you for?"
I try to refrain from farting while I masturbate. For I am a gentleman.
TIL TIL means TIL
What are the three rules of being a plumber? Hot on left; cold on right. Shit runs downhill. Never, ever, put your tools in your mouth.
It's actually pretty convenient the Alan Rickman died so soon after David Bowie. You can just move your lightning bolt up a few inches for the funeral and fit right in.
A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber's "Baby" between classes and students had to pay to stop it - They earned $1,000 in 3 days.
Don't you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.
What do you call a senior citizen from Mexico? A senor citizen.
What did Clinton tell the FBI? "I did not have classified relations with that server!"
mom. Mom i'm going to get married. whom then. Jane form the next door. oho god.. you sure? where you going to live? Mom. Jane is Emo she doesnt want to live.
If a cop busts you with a prostitute, slip an engagement ring on her finger & be like "Joke's on you, bro; we're in love!"
What do you call a group of birds that stick together? Vel-crows. You're welcome.
Find a way to dress up as "accidentally liking someone's Facebook picture from 2 years ago" and really scare people this Halloween.
"Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh." "Ha, yeah ok." [swaps suits] "Now we sh-" "You took a shit in this, didn't you?"
My friend asked if I would stop singing Maroon 5 songs. I said: "I don't think so."
If you are cold just stand in a corner They are usually around 90 degrees
Barista asks a customer if they would like their coffee black Customer replies "what other colors do you have?"
Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who a good boy is.
SCARY STORY! Once upon a time there was a little boy. He saw something strange, and, thinking about what he saw, he folded his arms... INTO PAPER AIRPLANES!
Whats the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches.
What's the worst thing about being a black jew? . . You gotta sit in the back of the oven
{at fancy restaurant} Waiter: *pulls out chair* Me: "Don't make this weird, dude."
Dirty limerick... There was a girl from Peru Grammar to her was new She asked after the deed With her mouth full of seed Did I just blow or blew?
Baby, are you a silent movie? Because when you talk I don't hear shit.
*drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle
Do you know how to make 5 lbs of fat look good?. Put a nipple on it!
So Rachel Dolezal becomes a Rapper... Her rap name: the notorius W.H.I.T.E
Why can't a fish be a radio host? Because if he goes on air, he'll die.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
A good name for a transvestite. Susan B. Anthony
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar It was tense.
What's a pedophile's favorite pair of shoes? White Vans.
What do you call a group of homosexuals on rollerblades? A pack of Rolaids.
The best underwear jokes.... are brief.
Made up a classy joke, give me your feedback... I broke up with my clone the other day. Being sincere, I told him "its not you, its me".
You all know how it got started with Jared right? He walked into a Subway and asked for a sub. They said "6 or 12?" He replied with "doesn't matter."
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
What do you call a alligator in a vest? Investigator.
Somebody broke into my house yesterday, and stole all my lamps. I was delighted.
[at ultrasound] Nurse: there it is. There's your baby Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
womens rights Lol
What does racist matthew mcconaughey say? alt-right, alt-right, alt-right
I would make a Sodium and Hydrogen joke but... The fine bros own the rights to it :(
If you think you're having a bad day.. just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom
I just ran into a doorknob and swore at it but in all honesty, like 99.9% of my doorknob interactions all-time have been positive & helpful
What do you give a sick horse? Cough stirrup.
Who is the best Jewish cook? Hitler.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Did you hear? LeBron James is starting an underwear line... They're called LeBron Johns.
When people ask "what do you do" I try to seem normal by saying things like "Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there."
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders.... Zing!!
What do you call Irish fruit punch? A barfight in a gaybar
Why do sharks live in salt water? Pepper water makes them sneeze.
Mariah Carey That awesome performance. Update: thanks for helping me get to the front page of r/jokes
Did you hear about the alligator who couldn't get a hard-on? He had a reptile dysfunction.
I'm not popular, but I have nice friends. I'm not rich but I have what I need. I may not be liked but I know I'm loved.
why can't conservatives work at a checkout counter? Because they don't like change...
How many more times will I watch "A Walk To Remember" tonight? As Mandy Moore times as I want to.
I'm just me looking for fun
The bassist walked past the bar.
This guy named Bill keeps sending me letters Says I owe him money or something
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can't help thinking...I'll never have abs like that.
Being a judge incorporates my two favorite things: wearing a robe and judging people. I missed my calling.
Women's logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Just farted in my cat's face. That's what we call a power move, gentlemen.
Porn stars' favorite drink? 7-Up 'n cider.
Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son "If we stand around here long enough one of them will throw some food at us."
What did the confused Mackem say when he discovered that he was smack bang in the middle of Newcastle? I'm in the middle of *no Wear*
What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood? A match made in Heaven.
I used to be addicted to soap... but now I'm clean.
If Billy Joel made a Christmas movie, what would it be called? Miracle On 52nd Street
I'm not gonna partake in this "I hate Monday morning" thing because I hate all work days equally.
My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2. Passed over for promotion time and time again.
Why won't Santa be visiting Nigel Farage this year? He only comes if you sleep, not if Ukip.
I've heard seven cancer jokes today... If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.
Teacher I can't solve this problem. Any five year old should be able to solve this one. No wonder I can't do it then I'm nearly ten!
The jokes in this subreddit are so dark I'm surprised they haven't been shot by the police.
The chef at my local Chinese restaurant had a nasty fall at work, and was so badly injured he had to give up his job. He'll never wok again.
Why did the Egyptian kid in therapy? Because he thought his daddy was his mummy.
What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist? A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.
What does a data scientist do after an heavy lunch? A pie shart.
Windows 10? Cool! Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Don't fret, I'll buy you a guitar, no strings attached. You might not want it because you're a little picky.
What do you call not wanting to reminisce? No-stalgia.
Gramma gramma gramma gramma gramma chameleon she's old and cold she's old and coooooold
How do cats admit they're gay? They come out of the clawset.
What do you call a pompous piece of bread? A braguette.
Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter? He'll be Snowden.
And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human...
What is r/jokes' main function? ctrl+v
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
What did the mexican say when the 2 houses fell on him? Get off me holmes!
Hey, dude who's still lighting fireworks at midnight, nobody would notice a couple of gunshots right now.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It's 8am..let me in.
You've got to let me meet your dentist, black people.
It sucks when you try to join a gang in a new city and find out none of your street creds transferred.
Who was the first person Aaron Hernandez called after the shooting? Wes Welker. Everyone knows you need a white Bronco to get away with murder.
My dad hit my with this one: His belt.
Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science
Why does China hate Digimon Fans? Because they recognise Ty won
I wish my car could put its hands in its pockets and whistle when I drive by a cop.
Why are horses so negative? Because they're nay sayers.
Marriage If a couple gets married in Alabama... And divorced in Mississippi... Are they still brother and sister?
There should be an app that, in the event of your death, your phone will seek the nearest toilet & submerge itself, destroying all evidence
What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed? I trussed you.
Do you know how to fry toilet paper? Neither do i....i can only brown one side :)
What do you call a man that states the obvious? A man that states the obvious
Girl dog: I'm into bad boys Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Two guys are drinking in a bar... One says to the other, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?" "Aww, shit!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break* *Takes kid to pub* *Bumps into wife at pub*
My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.
If you hated really old teak furniture, would you be anti antique teak?
If I had known I was going to have this much shit to do at work today I wouldn't have come in sober
What do you call a good joke on Reddit? Unoriginal
What do you get when you have sex with an Alligator? Gatoraids
Put yourself in my shoes for a minute... ...Now you're a mile away, and you have my shoes!
What do you tell your bird when it doesn't want to urinate? Pee cock!
What's your best Pirate Joke? What's a pirate's favorite letter? the C!
You, my friend, deserve a high-five...that's four more fingers than I normally give.
Kill them with kindness, you say? *slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool? THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
Is it just me Or do circles seem pointless?
"Let's call it a day." -Guy who invented that word
A man walks into the shop of a psychic barber Barber: Say no more
What N word do you not want to call a black man? Neighbor
In Catholicism, souls have mass.
I'm writing some BSDM-themed LEGO fan-fiction. I hope to release it later as "50 blocks of pain"
i'll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man
"that escalated quickly" -idiot in an elevator
Hilary Clinton, Bill O'Reilly and Brian Williams walk into a bar Well not necessarily a bar per se and they didn't actually walk in and they weren't together...Ok I made it all up
I went to see a night of XXX short films! Imagine my disappointment when it was just 30 Roman movies.
I'm an anti vaccine activist, and didn't vaccinate my children. They're all dead, but at least they don't have autism!
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Facebook is a big party where the host is in a back room going through all the coats.
What do you get when toss a hand grenade into a French kitchen? Linoleum blownapart.
Space Joke What did the engineers say to the crew of astronauts after they discovered they didnt install the rockets correctly.... Guys, we really Apollo-gize
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
I'm not racist, my shadow is black. 
I'm going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Q: Why did the girl spray her clock? A: It was full of ticks.
Why can't fashion designers play uno? Because they always draw a cardigan.
I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you,"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin' large ones" is not the correct answer.
Did you know there is a town in Pennsylvania with the same same as one of the Great Lakes? It's eerie.
I like my women like I like my coffee Black and tastes like warm diarrhea.
I went to a sperm bank to make a donation. This guy in the lobby came with me.
TIFU by eating my boss' sandwich and getting fired. Oops. Wrong sub.
TERRIBLE INVENTION PITCH: decaf Red Bull
choose one to drop: 1. acid 2. bass 3. out of college 4. the assault charges 5. that thun thun thun
The fact that your guy friends stop being funny after getting a girlfriend is proof enough that women are soul sucking banshees.
Whats black and isn't working? Black lives matter.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Why are lesbians superstitious? Because they are always knocking on wood.
What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue? I don't know
Who's the aardvark's favorite female vocalist? Bearbara Streis-ant!
What's the difference between an Onion and a Whore? I don't cry when I chop up a Whore.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They have no home to run to
Why isn't the guy who wrote "Danger Zone" and the Saved by the Bell theme very active on social media? He forgot his Loggins
A man goes to a doctor Man : Doc, I have been hurting in places. Doc : Then don't fucking go to those places.
Ocean How does the ocean greet us?
What do you call an obnoxious potato? A dictator.
The worst part about being told you have Alzheimer's? It doesn't just happen the once. And I'll be posting this again later. If I remember.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
CaO+H2O=Ca(OH)2 Is this reaction illegal too?
My cheap boss... Talks so much shit. I guess its hard to defecate when you're major tight ass.
What starts with F and ends in UCK? Fire truck.
What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend. 
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
China's stock market is down again We should have seen it coming. The red flags were everywhere.
A dinosaur walks into a bar and says. #RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
What sound does a bomb make before it goes off? allahu ackbar!!
Eastern Europe - 1989 "If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive"
Why are tuna fish so bad a playing Tennis? They keep getting caught in the net!
should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room
It was the Middle Ages. There's no way Rapunzel didn't have lice.
What fish is made of only two sodium ions? 2 Na :D
When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My best friend stole my wife from me... I am really going to miss him.
I want to see where the indians live.... But I have my reservations.
What do cars do at the disco? Brake dance.
how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? one will see you later, and the other in a while
Why didnt the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe
Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack, and I'll plaster you.
Im really good at coming up with jokes about planes. They always seem to take off.
What does a girl do to her as asshole before having the most crazy sex of her life? She leaves him at home
So I'm gay and single .... Does that make me homolone?
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches...
What sound is emitted by a drowning mathematician? log log log log log log log log log...
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers? Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato? Exec: damn that's so good
Valve should be in charge of the UN... It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3.
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...black and strong!
Did you here about the guy who turned to Scientologists to escape his past? Out with Xeold, in with Xenu! :P
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and McDonald's? A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl
there're two reasons why i wear a diaper for 1 &amp; 2
What do you get if you drop a piano into a mine? A-flat "minor"
What did you learn in school today? Not enough I have to go back tomorrow!
While texting a girl she told me "I'm board" so I stopped seeing her. I wasn't offended. I just don't date wood. Or people who can't spell.
Walking into a store wearing the clothes from that store is humiliating and I don't know why.
How do Russians watch online movies? Nyetflix!
It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman's parents kill themselves.
Hey dad, i got a question for the sex with my girlfriend Can you stop doing it?
I hardly ever drink Only 2 times a year to be exact On my birthday, And when it's not my birthday
It's truly amazing what Abraham Lincoln accomplished while wearing such a big stupid hat.
Darth Vader should've married... A woman named Ella
Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
A Jewish girl says to her dad "Dad, I need fifty dollars." Her dad looks at her and says "Forty dollars, what do you need thirty dollars for?"
My 6 year old son told me this, "what did one ocean say to the other?". Nothing, he just waved.
May I hold your baby? May I throw her across the room into that pile of empty boxes? Okay, I'll just hold her then.
Surround yourself with people that can't handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.
"Please stop that." -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
While I appreciate that you're bringing sexy back, if we're not also discussing who took sexy away, we're only enabling future sexy problems
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? One. He is drunk, and he tells the bulb to screw itself.
Where do bees go on holiday ? Stingapore !
Why do pedophiles love Old Navy sales? Cause all the kid's clothes are 60% off.
Why were Popeye's forearms so big? Because Olive Oyl was saving herself for marriage.
Is a Welshman's girlfriend... ...his baae?
Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green. Its sublime
If I were to remove my intestines and lay them out, they'd reach all the way to my ex-wife's house. SEE, DEBORAH? I'M A MESS WITHOUT YOU!
I think Christmas is made for Mexicans only... ...why else would you wish Merry Christmas to every Juan!? *badumtss*
why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?
A man was arrested for dumping Chinese food on his neighbor's computer He was charged with wonton destruction of property
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I'm ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Sex is like Broccoli If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult.
Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil.
How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis... I meant... The ladder.
Funny unknown historical fact: Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
What do you call an old man's hard on? Petrified wood.
My dyslexic brother made ginger bread yesterday. Poor Tyrone..
What did the watermelon say to the honeydew? "I'm sorry baby, we just cantaloupe."
What website are the germans least likely to laugh at? Neingag.
I can't stop watching myself on this Walgreens surveillance monitor. Crazy how the camera adds 40 pounds and a limp!
What's the hardest thing about finding a dead baby on the beach? Hiding the erection.
9 out of 10 men prefer women with big tits. The 10th guy prefers the other 9 guys.
they say 98% of fat people can be good looking if they lose weight, but 99% of them don't...when I became that 1%, i realized i was that 2%
Why did the monks go to the casino? Tibet.
What do a pizza guy and a gynecology have in common? They can both smell it but cant eat it.
What did the Palestinians do to honour Yasser Arafat when he died? They gave him a 21 stone salute!
What do you call a Jewish feline? A yama-cat
john was feeling happy happy felt disgusted and ran away
My girlfriend broke up with me over my obsession with linkin park. But in the end it doesn't even matter.
My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn. Worst. Childproofer. Ever.
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and sweats? A nervous wreck...
" Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache. Husband: tell him i've already got one. "
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.
What is a dentist's favorite dinosaur? A Flossiraptor! I'll just show myself out...
I felt like making a joke about the stock market but I won't burst your bubble.
Yo mama so fat I slap her booty before she goes to work. When she comes home, it still wiggles.
What was wrriten on a sign at the entrance of a gas chamber in the Holocaust? Watch your step
Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War? Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!
No Deja vu please...I Don't want to go through that again
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Another knee-slapper by my 8 year old brother. Which president likes doing laundry? George WASHING-A-TON. He's the 8 year old white Kevin Hart.
Why did the monster go into hospital? To have his ghoul-stones removed.
You're so beautiful I can't describe it with words.. but numbers can. 3/10.
At what stage of evolution did Robots become as advanced as humans? When opposable thumb drives were developed
Darth Vader told me he knows what i'm getting for Christmas He said he felt my presents...
Fucking cows... ...wouldn't recommend it.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around "the law". Judges don't like it.
What did the dominatrix say after she spanked the wrong slave? Whoops, wrong sub
What's the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
"Stomach...Lungs...Kidneys....Heart." - Me, at my organ recital. (Not even slightly sorry)
Boo "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "Boo!" "Boo who?" "Geez, no need to cry, it's just a joke."
My sex life is like a Ferrari I don't have one :(
What a time to be alive! Right now.
there should be 1 line at every store for people who have their shit together
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money
What's the difference between a gay guy and Hitler? About 45 degrees
The number 13579 walks into a bar... barman says "sorry, can't serve you, you're too odd"
me: I bet other husbands don't get put in timeout! wife: I bet they don't put their mother-in-law's phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Onion is not the only thing that makes you cry! My friend thinks he is smart. He told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face and he began to cry. haha
TIL that humanity's new form of communication is acronyms What does FTFY even mean? I swear to god people abuse acronyms so much.
[USPS] M: *hands change of address form* C: Ma'am, this just says "bathtub." M: I live there now. C: We can't send mail to a bathtub. M: Yay
Whats a rapists perfect date? Netflix and kill.
What did one sailor say to the other on Dec. 7 1941? There's a little nip in the air.
I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you're going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.
What did one paedophile say to the other? Swap you two fives for a ten
What do you call an owl who does magic? WHO-DINI
Scary: A wolf chasing you Scarier: A werewolf chasing you Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
This invitation says, "Regrets only," so I'm sending them a note that says, "My hair throughout most of the 90s."
I got arrested... I got arrested for punching a guy at a new years party, when you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
Did you hear the one about the iphone 7 headphone jack? [Removed]
When telling your dog he's adopted, make sure to mention that you will never love him as much as the dogs you gave birth to.
my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders: Spiders make Websites. she's not wrong.
A girl once told me she was getting drunk off of my love.... ... I told her that's just the date rape drug kicking in.
Whats the difference between love, ture love, and showing off? spit, sallow, and gargle.
Since we're doing jokes in bad taste... What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.
Ads can get you laid Cuz when I turned on Ad blocker, all the women in my area who were interested in me suddenly disappeared.
Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed. Bus full of children: They'll be fine just throw em in there.
What did the square say to the root? "Radical"
While standing in the queue looking at my phone... I'm online online
I just want to rub all over you........ ........with the front end of my car.
1 out of 10 dentists doesn't care what you brush with, he just wants to fondle you while you're gassed.
What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints? an oxy-mormon. or, all of them.
What is Batman's favourite hair product? Conditioner Gordon.
What's the difference between a kinky guy and a pervert? "The kinky guy uses the feather but the pervert uses the whole chicken" As told to me by the old guy who sat next to me on the plane
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called "Asian."
I'm not saying I hate you but if you were on fire I'd bring sticks and marshmallows.
And Grandmother, what a big thighs you have! *Wolf just starts crying*
Medical prices these days are ridiculous Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.
My teenage daughter is very odd She literally can't even.
religious? why yes i'm very religious, i'm always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay
What did the egg say to the boiling water? You expect me to get hard so fast, I just got laid!
Arnold Schwarzenegger's now working in pest control... He's an ex-terminator.
My neighbor said the next time he comes over he's bringing the whole family, so I told him I couldn't wait and then I burned my house down.
I was playing snooker with my mate, Dave, down the pub last night. We finished setting the table up and he said to me, "do you wanna break?" "We've haven't even started yet, you lazy cunt!"
What's the difference between public hair and pubic hair? Pants.
probably the best joke rn your face...
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Why is the Queen only 30cm Tall She is a Ruler...
Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter? Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.
If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on... I'd be like, "Why ya'll keep giving me all these dimes?"
Never hit a man with eyeglasses Use your fist instead. &gt;Enthusiastically told by my 6 year old brother, I thought it was worth sharing.
I wasn't kicking you. I was encouraging you to get the hell out of my way.
NARRATOR: Here we see the gentle reindeer gamboling in the woods... DASHER: [pushing stack of Xmas cookies] Raise NARRATOR: I SAID GAMBOLING
When I can't tell someone's gender, I kick the closest toddler and see how they react.
It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs Because they always take things literally.
Simba was walking too slow... So I told him to Mufasa.
Joseph confronts Mary... Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!" Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."
Resistance training But me dragging my kids into school.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away If you have aim, an apple a week may also work.
Did you hear about the guy who fell asleep during The Force Awakens? The theater was too Darth.
In grammar school, most unplanned pregnancies happen early on ...before anyone knows how to use the colon.
What does a cow say in the winter? I'm udderly freezing!
I am fairly well educated, but not 'knows every nuance of the English language' educated. I also have no idea what 'nuance' means.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Which of our meaty friends are into astrology? Those that are born under the sign of the Ham!
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I'd tell you a joke about my penis. . . But it's too short &amp; not many people get it.
I tell my child, "10 minutes till bed!" She hears me say, "Go put on a Halloween costume." Why?
How do you confuse a man? You don't - they're born that way.
Im getting tired of your Barenaked Ladies marathon. It's been one week since you looked at me.
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ? He was trying to make both ends meet !
How do you know when it's time to get out of the porn industry? When they hire you a cunt-double.
Hey, Lucy! Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?
Captain Morgan and Cap'n Crunch awkwardly chat at their naval college class reunion.
Why does nobody like eating with Lionel? Because he is a Messi eater!
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don't know how much she charges him though
What did the train say on the way to auschwitz? Jew-Jew I'm sorry, that made me feel dirty. Should probably take a shower...
You know, you don't realise what you've got until you don't have it. I just ran out of toilet paper ...
What was the statistician's fetish? Let's just say he had the standard deviation.
Is your refrigerator running? Because I would vote for it.
I too save a bunch of money on car insurance. By not having any.
Did you hear about the pirate who got in trouble at work? He was reported to H-arrrrr
My girlfriend keeps complaining that nothing in this sub is funny She'll NEVER see this line because she doesn't open them.
Why did the pervert cough when he was caught molesting a pony? He was feeling a little horse.
The Worst "F" Word Finals
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
My ex-girlfriend got a parakeet, and that damn thing never shut up... but the bird was cool.
The hardest part of eating a vegetable... Is the wheelchair.
I think I've found the cure for AIDS. It was in the bathroom cabinet after all.
I held the record for collecting Stephen King's books. Then I lost It.
So I accidentally sent nudes to everyone in my address book. Worst part about it? Cost me a small fortune in postage stamps.
I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
If you're trying to woo me without food... let me stop you right there.
Do you guys know what a minstrel cycle is? A bicycle for musicians.
What do neutrinos and I have in common? We're always penetrating your mom
Just asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" ...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Why did the hipsters die of dehydration? They stayed away from the mainstream.
Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?
Have you tried that new cocktail called Hurricane Sandy? It's just a watered down Manhattan.
I've thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
Rihanna says, "chains & whips excite me." I doubt her ancestors felt the same way...
So my friends and I were having a debate over Mortal Komabt We concluded Sub-Zero is definitely cooler than Scorpion
Why does it take 2 feminists to screw in a lightbulb? One to screw in the lightbulb and one to give me a blow job while I supervise.
How many people do you have to kick out of their houses to have a World Cup? Brazilians!
And we're still calling it auto "correct" because....
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi. Don't bother asking for the password, because it's totally "Cornhole Explosion".
what happens if you cross breed spiderman and Catwoman? I don't know..can you guys tell me?
My go-to joke What's blue and fucks grannies? Me in my lucky blue coat! (helps if you say it with a biiiig smile and a little dance)
I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.
I wish my girlfriend was like my internet My internet goes down once a week for at least two hours
"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you're at a funeral.
I just searched google for 'Lost Medieval Servant Boy' "Page Not Found"
Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed? He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.
What type of target shooting does Lil Jon do? Skeet skeet motherfucker!
Just went to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas I can't believe the currant exchange rate.
How Long is a Chinese name.
Cant' believe my horse came first yesterday!!' Dad, how many times have I told you i'm not interested in your's and Camilla's bedroom antics!'
More like "science UN-fair" *I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava* *I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because he wanted to get a long little doggy.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he's kind of freaking me out guys.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
Prognosis? Doctors are reporting that a man was admitted to the hospital last week and found to have at least a dozen plastic horses inserted in his rectum. His condition is "stable".
What's in a domestic book? Home page.
Time for an update twitter. Please add a "WHO CARES" button right next to retweet and favorite.
What is JPA? Joke point average. Where do people with high JPAs go to? Hahaharvard
By putting the punchline in the title. How do you ruin a good repost?
Q: What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper? - A: RUFF!
What makes an ISIS joke funny? The Execution
I don't often tell sailor jokes But when I do they are usually salty.
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care!
My sister's got hay fever, and now she has diabetes. I tried to cheer her up. You know, the usual. Flowers, chocolates
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed "I hate you!" and she gently replied "I know. It doesn't matter."
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like I love you for what you have inside. (Me to my fridge)
Just threw away a trash can. That was weird.
What happens when you steamroll Batman and Robin? They become flatman and ribbon.
What's long, black and doesn't work? The unemployment line.
Why did the blonde girl get fired from the M&amp;M factory? She kept throwing away all the W's.
I have a friend who is really into Christianity... ...he goes to church religiously.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
How do you spell coward? S-O-N-Y
I'm excited for the Supreme Court to finally let us know if gay people are human beings.
I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...
What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common? They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
How do the Chinese decide on their next porn star? They hold an erection...
What did the gay guy say to the scared straight guys? "You guys are fucking pussies!"
I get anxious when there aren't at least 24 pieces of advertising within my field of vision.
Have you ever been on the Nile River? I heard it does on for miles and niles and niles... If you don't believe me, you may be in denial.
What's the difference between an insurance company and an asshole? If you shove money into an asshole at least you can expect to get shit back
If your girlfriend starts smoking... Slow down and use a lubricant.
What country is the most fragile? China!
Christmas cards are how old people say, "Hey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not!"
If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
Women are like mechanics. I have no idea what they're talking about.
Giraffes can never be successful comedians... Their humor goes way over your head. 
I had a dream where I was in a fight with Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Private Ryan. I'm finally battling my Damons.
A ghost couple were arguing... "I don't believe a single word you tell me," the ghost girlfriend said to her ghost boyfriend, "I can see right through you!"
GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!
A man walks into a cafe... splash!
Don't take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.
If video games taught me anything it's that you don't need to work because there's precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My friend wanted to give me a free puppy... I did not accept because their mother was a real bitch.
Too err is human... To Arr is pirate.
I like this new trend in hotels where to get some light on you have to walk around the room for 5 minutes turning 8 small lights on.
Why????? Which service would the with ask if she would check into a hotel??? THE BROOM SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Ten-ish
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said "sorry to Bale on you" then I don't think he is living life to the fullest.
I like my women like I like my cider... ... cold and dry ;)
Only at Mcdonalds do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight."
Bought the 'Sounds of the Rainforest' cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb? [removed]
Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?
"Hitting it hard as shit" and "tickling the hole" are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today
Where do you weigh a whale? At a whale weigh station
What do you do when you come across an elephant? Wipe it off and apologize.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost so he went up to a policeman and said "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied "Beer and women!"
My wife and I have lost over 150lbs combined!!! ...hustling British casinos wasn't as easy as we'd hoped.
If the creator of facebooks likes getting hurt... Is he a zucker for pain?
A jewish kid asks his dad for $5.... The Dad says, "$4!? I don't have $3! What do you need $2 for??
[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds [suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they're mine [dog cop] Jim he has a point
Here's a joke The amount of subscribers to this community
My friends bakery burned down yesterday Now his business is toast.
I tried commiting suicide today. Never doing that shit again. I almost killed myself
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
What do air and sex have in common? Neither is terribly important until you're not getting any.
Why do programmers always get Christmas and  Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
What do a mole and an eagle have in common? They both live underground. Except for the eagle.
Does anyone know any jokes about buttons? Topic.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side!
Pilots will get this. RETARD! RETARD!
Why does a midget laugh while running Because the grass tickles his balls
what did the hat say to the other hat? "you go on ahead." I'd like to thank Twitternation, Steve Wozniak, Adam Schefter, @MattGroening and anyone else who helped me achieve this great feat!
Siri, make me pancakes. You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you're drunk.
Once I threw a Boomerang but it didn't come back Now I live in fear
There are two types of people in this world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data....
An old Chinese saying: If the dog is barking, you didn't cook it enough.
Accidentally sharing porn I have accidentally posted porn on my science blog. My readers must be thinking hard about my content.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My rear view mirror broke off. No biggie, I'll just put one of my contact lenses in backwards.
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
What's the world's most dangerous city? Electricity
A mug of beer walks into a bar... The bartender sees him and says, "Sorry, we don't serve alcoholic drinks here." A rift in the space-time continuum is created as the bar ceases to exist.
Here Here Here Here Here Here Here -1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
80% of making $120 million is just showing up.
What do you call a black guy on the moon? An astronaut, you racist.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
I'm more afraid of the shitty music my family is going to play at my funeral than I am of dying.
What was the last thing the Australian terrorist said. KoALLAH AKBAR.
When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive.
[Donald Trump's election speech] "America, I have only 1 thing to say" *pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher* "YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D"
Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things, literally.
Chuck Norris launch a bomb. It makes 263 deaths, and the bomb explode.
A fruit probably wouldn't travel to Australia But a veggie might
I want to work for YouTube. It sounds so easy! All you have to do is remove a few lines of code everyday!
Why can't witches get pregnant? Because all their husbands have Halloween-ies!
Why did the integer drown? Because it can't float.
If I had 10 cookies and someone takes away 5, what would they have? A broken hand
Why can't your wife make crispy bacon? Because she got used to your soft meat.
I made a movie about premature ejaculation. But it came out too soon.
Sequencing. What's the key to a good joke?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean? Him: ...... Me: Our mom's are friends, you have to finish the date
When comparing men to women, you'll notice there's a vas deferens between the two.
I'm not bad with names, it's just that you leave absolutely no impression on people.
Went to England and asked a local how Britt he was He said "I'm Britt-ish"
How come ambassadors never get sick? They have diplomatic immunity.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid... I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already. Me: Wow that's a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Took my dog to a bonfire... ...and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
[call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine. But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.
How many teens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but you need a really big lightbulb.
Whats the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger
I don't really like abortion jokes. The delivery is always sloppy.
Pig's explanation for the creation of the  Universe: The Pig Bang Theory.
My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
I asked my band teacher to raise my F He gave me an FF instead.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
What did the astronaut get instead of athlete's foot? Missile Toe
Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday Those were the days...
What age were pigs discovered in? The Saus Age.
What kind of book does an Irish cultist read? The Leprenomichaun.
What's the difference between pop stars and porn stars? Porn stars can probably sing.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand... A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "make me one with everything".
If Arnold does star in the new Predator movie.. He would probably be sent back in time with his Expendables team to kill the Predator who was the actual John Connor.
Say what you will against pedophiles, but at least... they drive slowly in school zones.
What's an English teacher's favourite cereal? Synonym Grahams
Who takes a shit while they're at a party? A Party Pooper
Why did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool. (Written anonymously in the bathroom at work, a pizza joint.)
I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.
What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years? Ancient grease
I hate going to pancake houses because it just reminds me that I bought a stupid, non-delicious house.
1. Get preg 2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using Satanic alchemy 3. Give birth to yourself 4. Old body dies 5. Be a baby
Did you hear the joke about the pedophile with a Mexican fetish? He only wanted a little Juan.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
A protestor shouted, "Trump will make America worse for Gays, Jews, Blacks, Muslims, and Latinos!" A Trump supporter shouted back, "That's not true..." "...he won't make it worse for Jews!"
WAITER: Would you like any dessert? DATE: No, just the ch- ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.
Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying "keep in touch" after they let you go.
Not silicone A woman got wooden breast implants. This would be so much funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Gagsalotofdong
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Paranoid Mexicans have a Hispanic room.
What did the dick say to the balls? You two wait outside.
Conversation between a politician and prostitute Politician : Hi, I'm 52. I am a politician and I am honest. Prostitute : Hi, I'm 27. I am a prostitute and I am virgin.
Hey Girl, u must have gotten your steering wheel in my pants. Cause u are driving me nuts
And God said to Peter, "come forth and I shall give you eternal life" Unfortunately Peter came fifth and won a toaster
[Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we "synchronize our cycles."
New documentary about the female menstrual cycle. Available exclusively at Redbox.
How do you turn an Indian woman on? Press the red button.
What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam!
If I had a coin for every gender there is.. I'd have two coins.
Starting a cover band called "A Book" so no one can judge us.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My favorite thing about hot weather is the way it makes the fat people disappear.
What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.
Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
It's amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you're buying tampons.
What's brown ans sticky??? a stick :) haha (yes i know its super lame)
I always go to the fattest kid at the concession stand to buy popcorn at the movies because he knows how to butter it properly.
I'd hate to give a speech to nudists because I'd be nervous and then I'd have to imagine them without their skin on and skeletons are scary.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.
What do Vietnamese historians and Southern rednecks have in common? They both care way too much about the uc Dynasty.
I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago.
Kindergarten reunion??!?!?! I've gained like 100 pounds since then. No way I'm showing up!!!!
What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok
Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Force of habit sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
If you stand for nothing you'll fall for anyone who offers you a chair because standing is fucking exhausting.
How many pornstars does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know... I skipped the intro.
Nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the waiting room, but he has an appointment.
There once was a man from Kent, Whose cock was extraordinarily bent, To save himself the trouble, He'd put it in double, And instead of coming he went.
Why is an angry drunk not called mean-spirited?
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
If you throw a stick of butter out the window what would you call it? A Butterfly!
What's the difference... ...between Mick Jagger and an angry Scotsman? One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" The other says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
I like my women like I like my coffee... With no pubes.
"Hey buddy, what's up?!!" -- short honk "I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE" -- long honk
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
When is a Mexican not a Mexican? When he's an alien! I'll see myself out now
So I went to the zoo today and all they had was a dog. It was a shihtzu.
Nicki Minaj knows we can see her, right?
How do Australians ask their friends to pass the Coffee Mate :(
Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hippie Barbie ...complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia
You can call me a narcissist... Just make sure you say my name.
That awkward moment when you're trying not to look when someone is staring at you.
My Girlfriend told me she didn't want anything for Birthday I didn't give her anything :O #ThugLife
I wrote an essay about American Patriotism Then I pointed at it and started shouting ' You Essay! You Essay!'
i asked a German man if he had a wife He said he had nein.
Ironically, seeing a picture of you flashing a peace sign makes me want to violently end your life.
This sub has the most AMAzing jokes on Reddit.
My doctor told me I'm artistic. I have no idea how he could tell.
How does Lady Gaga like her... ...Steaks? . . . Raw, Raw, Raw Raw Raw!
Why I don't like gays staring at me Their gaze!
I bumped into Brad Pitt the other day They say you shouldn't meet your heroes, but I think Brad handled it really well.
I just want to win the Powerball lottery and eat unlimited carbs for the rest of my days.
The best things in life are free. My neighbor's unsecured wi-fi, for instance.
Two jihadists walks into a gay bar.... Needless to say, they had a huge blast
If Kim Jong UN and Kim Kardashian got married and had a child what would they name it? Kim JordashUn?
Start a mathematical hip-hop duo called "E" Because E equals MC^2
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there's no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Neurotic Girls... Wear Freudian Slips
What's a Mexicans favorite candy? Jelly beaners.
Why is ship tapered Why is shit tapered? So you're asshole doesn't slam shut. (I was watching my dog take a dump yesterday and this old joke came to mind)
A Welshman died at the weekend... Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, But none of them works :/
People who say "you can run but you can't hide" have never played hide & seek with me.. or seen me run.
Making a list of all the people who wrote "Happy Birthday" on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who's secretly mad at me.
Are you all allright? No, you are all left
I have a friend who is in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Concussions" He lives about a stones throw away.
Next time someone asks me a question I'm going to pull a Google & tell them my response time: "I'd like the salad. (2.5 seconds!)"
Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all. The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.
Where can you buy a 3 headed flying purple camel with 74 noses? Ebay.
It was really hard for me to get over my addiction to the hokey cokey. But i've turned myself around, and that's what it's all about.
Did Torres play for every other EPL club before Chelsea ? .... Because he never celebrated scoring a goal.
What's the differce between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four!
Kid: Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl? Mom: No, you have to flush it like everyone else.
Why does sweden have so many somalis? They have a pirate bay......
Girl are you a dinosaur? Cuz jurassic.
So a Muslim man walks into an elementary school... To pick up his wives
Why is Tumblr so odd? Because they can't even.
GUY: I dare you ME: no G: I double dog dare you ME: no G: I TRIPLE dog dare you! ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You don't milk a cow for 10 years
I'm having an increasing fear of New Year songs. Must be Ole Langxiety.
Funny Pick up line... Add more plz -Whilst sitting in a nice car- ...hey baby want a ride in my ex wife's life insurance. ~~~~~~~
What do you call a deer that has no eyes? I got no-eye deer !
What do you get when you cross a whore and a leprechaun. A little green fucker about two feet tall. (Best told orally so can hold hands two feet apart.)
Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
A blackout is just your brain clearing it's browsing history.
Why did the boy jump off the dock? Pier pressure
What do feminists do in Halloween? They go Triggertreating.
What did one quantum frog say to the other? Quibit.
I always sigh and say "I love you," followed by a long silent pause just to see how bad telemarketers really want the sale.
Did you hear about the new bra they call the Sheepdog? It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons.
DAD JOKE: Do you know where you get water from? Well...
An assistant to a company's offices in Karnataka found the title on his business card embarrassingly abbreviated. "Mysore Ass."
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today "what poison would kill someone the fastest?" and now I'm wondering if I've underestimated her.
a PS4 and XBOX One get shot the ambulance comes WII U WII U WII U
It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."
The Average human walks 900miles per year, and drinks 22 gallons of beer, which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon... Not bad!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I was shopping with my wife the other day and saw a TV on sale for $20... It said that the volume was stuck on full. I looked at my wife and said "I can't turn this one down!"
A man walks into a bar. Ouch
What do you call graveyard shenanigans? Tombfoolery.
Why did the cow get an award? For being outstanding in his field. Sorry.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, while the other is a little lighter.
What do birds say on Halloween?  "Trick-or-tweet!"
If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
I fucked a girl with one leg last night Probably should have used my cock http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2j7aff/z/cl9844o
I like to lie down on the top of a hill, then tumble down to the bottom. That's just the way I roll.
A man was asked if he would rather have a new circular saw or a ladder... He chose the latter.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things of high shelves.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I said to this bloke,"I'm going to be performing in the play *Hamlet* at a local theatre." He said,"Are you being facetious?" I said,"No- Polonius."
If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!
What's a 69er got in common with the mafia ? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Why didn't the bunny get the job as a marsupial? He wasn't koalafied!
You are no longer what you eat. You are now your browser history.
TIFU by using disinfectant wipes on my ass. Just joking!
Problems I've got 99 problems and they're all first world.
some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating. There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.
What is the most abundant spice in Africa? Paprika.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they push two twins together to make a king.
Watson: "Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?" Holmes: "DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!"
Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Pranks I think pranks are incredibly immature. They're such a childish way to interact with your friends and family. Why would anyone...lol jk! Gotcha, I love pranks!
Worrying that ghosts watch you use the toilet is a pretty legitimate concern.
People tell me I'm too condescending. That means I talk down to them.
Life tip: do stuff even though it's hard and you suck at it
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
What did the closed can say to the half opened can? YOU'RE BEING UNCANNY!
What is grosser that gross? Ten naked men running around in a circle and the first one stops.
What do you call a handjob in chemistry? Strokeiometry
What type of computer is unusually large? A Dell
I keep hearing "Just be yourself" from everyone. I didn't realize so many people want me to go to prison :(
What is Hitler's least favorite month? Jew-ly EDIT: how about jan-jew-ary, or jewne?
it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room
I'm exhausted. I just did 100 sit ups. The fact that I did them over the course of 40 years doesn't diminish the accomplishment.
Shortest Horror Story: Tomorrow is MONDAY again!
If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it.
Once you go black... you're a single mom.
What do you call a heavy toilet? El ton john.
What personal space? My dog
Extinction "Not a chance." Said the last female Dodo, as she walked away from the last male.
What's it called when you throw Indian food at someone? Naan-aggression.
In know what comes after I... Just Kidding!
What's the difference between your mom and wine? With age, wine doesn't suck anymore.
TIFU by exclusively using Linkin Park lyrics as replies at work and end up getting a warning letter from HR... But in the end. It doesn't even matter.
Did you hear about the curbs going on strike? They're lining the streets in protest
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those fuckers live forever.
2 fish in a tank One turns to the other and says "you know how to drive this thing?"
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? AYE MATEY!
God is Love... ... But Satan does that thing you like with his tongue.
There once was a man from Trent.. There once was a man from Trent. His cock was so long, it bent. When he was in trouble, he tucked it in double. So instead of cumming, he went.
Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation? John Cougar's Melon Camp
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Here's $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
What does Sean Connery's nemesis and the crater of a volcano have in common? They're both ash-holes.
A chemist is surprised by a pan of old-fashioned magnesium photo flash powder going off in front of his face. "MgO!" He shouts, temporarily blinded.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they're mine they die
What do you call a pig that took a plane?  Swine flu!
Why couldn't prehistoric man send  birthday cards? The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!
I don't buy my fruit from Chris Brown... because it's always bruised!
Why was the Mexican bad at archery? He didn't habanero
What do you call a tree that you can fit in your hand? A PALM TREE!!!
Confucius say, piano falls down mineshaft... Get tone of A Flat Miner.
Whenever It Rains, My Wife Just Stands At The Window Looking Kind Of Sad Maybe I Should Let Her In
I recently asked a serial-killer/serial-rapist/psychopath what she's doing. She replied, "Good."
What does dog poo and women have in common ? The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
How do you spot the vegan at a party? They'll tell you.
Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.
What do a Cloudy Night and Dancing With The Stars have in common? More than likely you won't see any stars.
What did the man do after listening to a Pink Floyd album for two hours? Skip to the next track
What does a networking robot say when returning from the bathroom? "Sorry, I http"
"Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird" "Dude thats my dog get off" "why is ur horse so small" "Its a DOG" Why u pronouncing horse weird
Rose: I'm so cold. Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie
A young pirate asks his old sea dog captain... .. why he wears a patch over one eye. The captain replies, "Yarr, my parrot shat in me eye... And I wasn't used to me hook"
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A Rip-Off
Why is Kim Jung Un so upset? because he has no Seoul
When is a car no longer a car? When it turns into a driveway
I wanted to tell a really grizzly joke on this subreddit.... Then I thought you guys won't be able to bear it.
Tom should concentrate less on Myspace and more on his shoe business
Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.
Two guys walk in to a bar ...the third one ducks.
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air ? Because eggs were going up !
*gets up off bed* *puts pants back on* Oh...so you...you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Tell her you already got her gift, & ask her to try & guess. Then go buy something she guessed. Shopping made easy.
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  Christmas bell! Just take these pills - and if they don't work give me a ring!
So what I want to open a comedy club called Terri Yets pub... Everyone that lives there has Tourette's syndrome.
Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.
Republicans run for office by saying the government doesn't work... Then they get elected and prove it.
Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
I was once raped by a gang of mimes. They performed unspeakable things to me!
Which one of you eggs is my employer?
Started teaching my son and his friends Karate... I'm not qualified I just really enjoy kicking children.
How do you fit 1000 jews in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, the rest in the ashtray
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Wait, I confused "love" with "being white, middle-class, and male."
Ever heard a good joke about sodium? Na
Why did broke man fall over? He ran out of balance
Why can't Indiana Jones find a long lasting relationship? Bad dates.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
What do you call a reuben sandwich with a horn? A rye-nocerous
Me: I love you so much Calories: I love you more
The Harshest "Yo Mamma" Joke... Yo Mamma is like a bowling ball... She likes to get picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, then comes back for more.
Dana White has his cock so far up Joe Rogan's ass When he farts it stutters credit /u/Blackirishman
What has four legs, feathers, and can fly? Two birds
A blind man got a cheese grater for his birthday He said it was the most violent thing he's ever read.
Two bloody tampons pass you in the street. Which one says hello first? Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house] *I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Check out this joker with his accounting book.. Guy thinks he's Heath Ledger.
What is the difference between Susan Boyle and a aircondtioner? An aircondtior can be hot
ME: For my final wish, I'd like to lose some weight. GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more. ME: This is bullshit.
What rhymes with orange no it doesn't.
How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
What did the the black boy get for Christmas? Your Bike...
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
Why do cows have hoofs? Because they lack toes
What's a tents favorite kind of meat? Stakes
How was the roman empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars Edit: fixed
The restaurant I work at has a lot of short girls who can't reach the higher up shelves and constantly ask for help. I guess you could say we're frequently short-staffed.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? dam
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
My Girlfriend says I never listen to her Or something like that
Apparently being poor is genetic, my son loves bologna and thinks pants are optional.
Two paleontologists where moaning in a ditch One found a bone
*Flips over cards* It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation
What did storm say when she saw wolverine chopping wood? That's a huge axe man!
Why did Bill Clinton say NO to testosterone meds? He was afraid of ending up like Hillary.
Why did the cowboy's car stop? It had Injun (engine) trouble.
Hello, Mr. Bond. *shuffles UNO cards* I've been expecting you. *sinks into bean bag chair*
Why do crippled kids get picked on so much? Because they can't stand up for themselves.
Can you smell mothballs? I can't. I can never get their legs far enough apart.
What do you need to split a photon? A lightsabre
[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct [later at home] I think she's on to us, mathmachicken
Are you half decapitated? Because this joke is poorly executed.
If Trump becomes president, it won't be called the White House anymore He'll rename it the Exclusively White House
I took a girl with microcephaly out on a date... I was hoping to get a little head.
I got a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer. Credit to Steven Wright.
If you got into an accident with Hillary and Trump, who would you rescue? America
My neighbor My aboriginal neighbour was telling me he got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes off the Internet for Christmas, I asked him which site he used, and he replied google earth
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year... ~Only 15 more to go!!
Why did the one-eyed pirate keep running aground? No depth perception.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot "you racist"
What is the definition of delusional? A bloke finishes fucking his blow up doll, rolls over and says was that as good for you as it was for me?
Getting frisky and my girlfriend told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the head.
First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club
2 Dragons walk into a bar.. 2 Dragons walk into a bar; "its hot in here" one of them says, the other says "shut your mouth!".
A couple of biologists had twins. One they called John and the other control.
Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a flask of whiskey, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.
Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?
It's a good thing Maradona isn't still playing. Who knows what he'd do when the ref sprays that white line on the pitch.
My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!
All cicadas must be female because they never shut the fuck up.
almost called my teacher "mom," but I caught myself after "mo" and added an "n." I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.
Books keep falling on my head.... I've only got myshelf to blame
I bet most of business school is spent teaching students how to confidently swivel in big leather chairs.
What's a dogs favorite part of a tree? Stick? BARK!
The only effective way to end a Facebook conversation is with "LOL"
My GF passed away... and I wake up every day with mourning wood now.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad! 1. name 2. address 3. email 4. where are drugs *mustache falls off*
I deal with my problems like how Coors makes money. With a lot of beer
What do you call it when a broke person makes a sex tape? A Poorno.
Did you hear about the vampire in Camelot?  He was a bite of the Round Table!
When I die, throw berries on my grave Cause that's how I would like to be berried
What did the triangle say to the circle? Why are you so pointless?
Stuck in church. Everyone's singing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". Damn, My son has some stupid friends.
A midget went to the gym while visiting Sweden... He was a little thor the next day.
What's Sauron's favorite soft drink? Mountain Dewm
Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?" She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."
A man walks into a bar and says OUCH!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. 'cause if you get any closer, I'm gonna assume you do and give you one.
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"? A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
What happened to the Pope when he went to mount Olive? Popeye kicked his ass.
Oddly addictive: some of the absolute worst jokes you've ever heard
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust
What's the difference between a piano, glue, and a tuna? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna (What about the glue?) I knew you'd get stuck on that
I don't know if I like my new haircut, but it will grow on me.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
When there's still peanut butter on the knife after a dishwasher run, I just put it in the drawer because that peanut butter is clean.
I'm a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.
Did you hear about the Vietnam veteran who became a sewage worker? He's seen some shit.
I heard they were going to put Frederick Douglass on the Fifty. But they were worried it would only be worth $30.
Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?  He could really get into the vaultz.
What do a gay dolphin and a car that leaks oil have in common? Chances are, both have blown a seal
What's yellow has wheels and lies on its  back? A dead school bus!
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft? Classic conditioning.
What do you call someone who is iffy about cleaning lawn games? A wishy-washy Washer washer.
Do you want to know what's really annoying? [deleted]
Almost arrested for drugs and rape "I didn't take the drugs, i feed the drugs to the girls than raped them" -Bill cosby
What's the Cincinnati Zoo's least favorite rap group? Gorillaz
As a tall person... Study finds that shorter men will live longer but taller men have a higher shelf life.
My wife calls it "woman's intuition" but I call it "not clearing your browser history."
1st grade: Color inside the lines. 10th grade: Color outside the lines. Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I would say Reddit's jokes aren't copy pasted but then again we're all *stuck* down here together in this place
I just put up a white board in my house... wanted to make the place a bit more classy
I'm a lot like a pair of testicles. Cause I'm nuts in the sack.
(Animal school) Lion: That's my desk Wildebeast: Sorry, I'm gnu -5 minutes later Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!
Me: Hi, what's a good school binder for my 10yo girl here? Clerk: Trapper Keeper? Me: Haha, no, she's my own daughter.
What do Waitresses and Chemists have in common? They both need to check the table periodically...
What Did Cinderella Say When She Got To The Ball? Cough, gag, choke, etc...
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for "all the services I provided them".
"Dad why was I called Holly?" cos u were born at a special time of year "And me dad?" yes Summer and u too "And me too dad?" yes Easter-Egg
Ugh I hate fake fans. Everybody here is standing up & singing along to his big hit, but probably cant name 3 other Francis Scott Key songs.
I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today... ...but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ".
What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite sex position? FUCKING RAAAWWW!!!
I hate how my job always expects me to show up.
Whats invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts. ( this joke made me laugh my butt of when i was a kid)
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 10 feet... But I can only walk so fast
Potato potato tomato tomato It works better when spoken...
Santa loves the rich kids more.
What does a footballer and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
What's brown and smells funny? Clown Poo
WHEN WIFE SINGING When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
What did Russell Crowe say when he found out that his ex-wife was eaten by a cannibal? I'm gladiator.
A dyslexic bank robber... Runs into a bank with a gun and screams out waving his gun around. "Every mother sticker put your hands up with is a fuck up!"
I have absolutely no idea what the phrase "saving room for dessert" means.
Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming or going.
DON'T STOP BELIEVING! .....but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Why don't Hindu rappers have battle raps? Because they got no beef.
"Going bald? Shave your head and grow a goatee! People will think you're tough, not bald!" - stupid assholes
Why was the Winemaker arrested Because he was a serial grapist!
Dad: I had a son once Stranger: what happened to him? D: he touched the thermostat Kid: dad, I'm like right here D: you hear something?
What goes: Click. "Did I get it?" Click. "Did I get it?" Stevie Wonder solving a Rubik's Cube.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... I'll be a millionaire!
I lost out at the S&M; Awards, but it was an honor just to be dominated.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren't married we will tell each other what's honestly wrong about ourselves.
You'd be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[OC] What did the asian say when he saw a line at the local soup kitchen? Ugh.... Pho queue...
Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled? Because they have a claus in their contract.
To Do List : 1: Buy 4 Pigs 2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs 3: Release them in Wal-Mart 4: Sit back watch Security search for #4
If you're pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I've got some very bad news for you about Jesus.
76% of being in a relationship is waiting for someone to watch a show.
Why doesn't Mr.Sodium like to spend time with Mr.H20? Because they always get in to heated arguments.
Why did the man throw his clock out the window? Cause the cheating bitch ducked.
Waiter waiter does the pianist play  requests? Yes sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've finished my meal.
My friend has a habit of dropping things. It's getting out of hand.
What did the blind deaf kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
I wonder how many husbands out there are frantically scribbling "free hug coupons" right now because they forget to get their wife a gift.
I joined a 12 step program for people who talk too much. Its called OnAndOnAnon
I've never had angry sex. I'm always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Little Monster: I hate my teacher. Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!
Your mom is like Reddit always under a heavy load
If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your lifestyle
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It's a wonder children can sleep at all.
Warning, Condoms aren't totally safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.
Cavemen were smarter than we think. Do you know why cavemen dragged their women around by the hair? It was so they wouldn't fill up with rocks.
What has handles and flies? A witch in a garbage can.
Last semester I had an English teacher names Mrs. Gaye She was a huge homophone.
Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? because it couldn't survive in the Battlefield.
You lost me at "my psychic said.."
Did you hear that Zsa Zsa Gabor was suing the doctor who amputated her leg? ...The Judge threw out the case because she didn't have a leg to stand on.
What is Eren's (AoT) favorite song? Moves Like Jaeger
Every time I click "Remember Me" on a login page, I get a little sad thinking about my fleeting existence... ...But some cookies would brighten my day! Disclaimer: Made this joke up just now.
Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.
what did the tricep say to the muscular receptionist bye, 'cep!
My hand is stuck in a jar of salsa right now. I'm just gonna leave it in there. This is who I am now. I'm tired of fighting.
Me: My dog has gone missing Dog pound: What colour is it? Me: Brown Dog pound: Sex? Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
What did the one wall say to the other wall? "Meet you at the corner"
Why shouldn't you play against Adolf Hitler in Madden? Because he always blitzes.
My teeth are so white I could use them to help land a plane and still no boyfriend. I'm beginning to think TV ads lie.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a ninja? Pork Chop!
My grandad let me in on the secret to picking up hot Jewish girls during WWII.. with a brush and shovel..
Did you hear about the 80 year old man who ran naked through the flower show? ...he won first place for a dried arrangement!
I want my next apartment to be located inside a Whole Foods.
What did Maxwell Smart Say the first time.... What did Maxwell Smart Say the first time he butt fucked 99? Missed it by that much.
I think 50 cent stands a chance against Floyd Mayweather I don't know about 12, But I know 50 cent can take 9 rounds
A blonde is walking down the street with a pig on a leash. Someone approaches and says, "Cool! Where did you get that?" The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle."
How did the redditor get lots of downvotes? What is a pirate's favourite letter?
I read to blind kids in my spare time. Their favorite book is "2dots1dot3dots 4dots3dots 5dots2dots1dot 2dots1dot5dots."
A man is stranded on a dessert island and it was delicious.
Yes, I read the Internet. But only for the articles.
What is Obama's least favorite Christmas Carol? Let It Snowden.
Q. What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown? A. Artificial intelligence.
Why are snakes hard to fool ? They have no legs to pull !
What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef!
After A Game "We kicked their asses!" "Yeah, we rectum."
Million dollar idea - an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Did you hear about the Christmas Party in San Bernadino? It was wild. A Muslim couple showed up and put 14 presents six feet under the Christmas Tree.
What would you call Osama bin Laden if he became a pirate? Sandy Hook.
What is a ghost favorite fruit ? Boonanaa !
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion? Ryan
My friend said I twist everything to my advantage. I took it as a compliment.
What's a seal's favorite class? Art art art :)
going to do everything the Nyquil bottle tells me not to
I swear some people were conceived through anal sex. There is no way being that much of an asshole is natural.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
What is Wun-Wun's favorite activity? Taekwundo.
How easy is it for wind gusts to talk to each other?  -It is a breeze
I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was... And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
The expression should be "seeing things eyes to eyes". Otherwise you're suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
What do you call a cold North African? A Brrbrr
I thought about being a mortician On one hand people are dying to get into that field but i hear its dead end job
"I lost my Khakis" - a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
What's the smelliest breed of dog? A poo-dle
What's the problem with radioactive underpants? Chernobyl fall out..
I saw a beautiful pumpkin today... It was gourdeous.
What's an Islamist's favourite crop? Rice is.
What did the lesbian rattlesnake say to Hillary after they finished making love? "You know, they're right . . . we do taste like chicken!"
History exam. There was no match for the history exam that Mr. Grey had set for his students. It was the Grey test of all time.
I use to have a job working in an elevator... it had its ups and downs
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I'll be on a short leash though so I won't run off into the woods like last time.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision
i wonder how many of the men who stormed the beaches of normandy on d-day in world war 2 had their bellybuttons pierced
FYI: If someone says "I'm game," you can legally shoot them. You should probably check your state and local hunting regulations though.
Pupil: Sir would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents? Teacher: But your parents don't have a comuter. Pupil: Exactly!
The little lizard was shocked when he found out how he was conceived. Anole sex
A woman steps into a time machine She goes back 10 minutes so she can add less sugar.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.
God: I call it a Caterpillar Angel: What is it? God: A worm with feet Angel: You're really out of ideas huh? God: Then it grows wings
How do you get Pikachu on the bus? Pokemon
I have a Love/hate relationship with slashes...
Why did the coed have sex with a Mexican? Her professor told her if she wanted to pass, she had to do an essay
I heard abortions are quite exhausting.. I was confused too, but apparently it really takes it out of you.
Real women don't wish their enemies would die, just that they'll get fat.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be" I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.
If I wanted a president, who had never touched a vagina... ...I would've voted Jeb!
I found a rating for the Sun online. It was only a star.
Two fish are STILL in a tank one turns to the other and says "NOPE!"
A 25 year old just told me she's gonna rock my world. I'm 47 so I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
How did my doctor know I have minor IBS? I just asked him to edit my essay; and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy; if he can figure that out from my writing.
What's the difference between friends and potatoes? Potatoes don't scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water.
Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
FROM: Harvard SUBJ: Your PhD application We are unable to accept you at this time as "Teaching Squirrels Karate" is too cool for us.
The worst Jewish joke ever... An old Jewish guy comes up to and old Jewish lady and says... "So what's your number?"...
I only smoke for the health tips from complete motherfucking strangers
My boyfriend asked for a nude pic (NSFW) My boyfriend asked for a naked picture. I asked him if he wanted to see tits or ass. He responded "surprise me" So I sent him a picture of my dick
What's the difference between Boy Scouts and Jews? Boy Scouts come back from their camps.
If there was an accepted currency worldwide, it would be Beer.
Me: I know it hurts, but you'll learn to love again. Sheep: I don't know. I can't even look at ewe right now.
My girl friend enjoys S&amp;M comedies. Usually slapsdick.
If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.
What's the difference between acne and catholic priests? Acne waits until you've hit puberty to come on your face.
My Bakery Burned Down Last Night... Now my business is toast!
Tell me more about how you don't have to work out often because you get too strong too fast. Man what a predicament
Got a $100 Nike gift card Can't wait to buy that one pair of socks
I wonder if the Pope has any pets... Yeah they are called altar boys.
.@Beyonce can you feed my turtles while I'm on vacation
If you only had 1% battery left on your phone, what would you tweet? Because clearly we'd still tweet.
I was thinking of hosting a gathering of celebrities where we make harsh jokes about honoree JLO's backside. Think of it as a rump roast.
Breaking News... The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a toilet The toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you dump a load in it.
If you jump through the hole in a hipster's earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters
[boy spreads his little arms] Boy: i love you this much daddy! Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
What's the definition of a will? Come on, it's a dead giveaway!
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She didn't wear her seatbelt.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs...
My girlfriend and I always like to laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh with more intensity and greater strength.
What's in the toilet of the Star Ship enterprise? The captains log
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese. Out of me and my 4 siblings, I'm pretty sure it's either Carl or Liu Yang.
Tell me somethig dirty... VW Jetta 2.0 TDI
When a dirty kid has finished taking a bath what is still dirty? The bathtub.
I was once involved in a sex ring... until my circle of friends said that things were getting awkward.
I'm worried that if I give up smoking I'll replace it with murdering.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like "whatever this person seems exhausting."
Forget the "bomb dot com" For today's political climate and lack of punctuation, try "Obama dot comma"
What should you do when you are cold? Stand in a corner, corners are 90 degrees
What do the Scottish people call iPhone? A: an AYE-Phone. (Joke brought to you by a 5 year old)
Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon. 10 gigs for $80 a month
Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.
What do you call a smart guy in US? A tourist.
I like you but not save your life before a dog's life like you.
without moms we'd have no password security questions. thanks mom, for making online banking possible
Shopping when hungry means you end up buying food you will regret. Apply the same rule for not being too horny when going to the clubs/bars.
What if Steven Hawking... What if Steven Hawking is the real Slim shady, but we don't know because he cant stand up.
Do you know what the kid with no hands got for Christmas? Me neither. He couldn't open his presents.
I liked Kim Jong-un better when he sang Gangnam Style.
What's a policeman's favorite gaming console? wii-u wii-u wii-u wii-u heh
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked. So did all the other people at the post office.
You aren't going to believe who is the most wonderful person ever... Read the first two words
Why do 2 bit gamblers never win at blackjack ? Because they can only count to 3.
Who wins in a fight: Goku or Superman? Wrong, Batman always wins. &amp;nbsp; Yes, I do have the sense of humor of a 5 year old.
So I harvested my tomato today, it's bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
A Frenchman walls into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says, "Where'd you get that?" The parrot says, "In France. They're everywhere!"
Come to the light side [Original source (in Russian)](http://peggy-s.livejournal.com/318323.html) - Come to the light side, we have marshmallows - I want cookies - Cookies are on the dark side
Cannibal Boy: I've brought a friend home for dinner. Cannibal Mom: Put him in the fridge and we'll have him tomorrow.
What do you call a dinosaur with explosive diarrhea? A shitty-sore-ass.
I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now.
How much do Americans like racist jokes? Enough to make one President.
There is a bomb going to explode in 3...2...1... Holy shit, this blew up!
My friend tried to sell me a triangular monitor but I knew it was just a pyramid screen.
I bet the best way to disguise your surveillance van is not to use van at all. Like, whoa, who's in that hot air balloon? Probably not cops.
Life is just better when you're laughing.
Four men on a boat had five cigarettes but no lighter. How did they light their cigarettes? One man threw a cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.
I was thinking of inventing some chilli flavoured sun cream. But for now I've put it on the back burner.
How are Asians and Smart Cars similar? They are yellow can they only hold small packages
Ted Cruz believes in Creationism so he was really pissed off his daughters could be monkeys.
Why can't a prostitute count to 70? Because 69's a mouthful.
How do bees get to school ? By school buzz !
Ask me what the secret to comedy is? You: What is the secret... Timing
I used to be embarrassed by my facial hair, but it grew on me.
What is the fastest way to exit a car on the highway? Through the windshield
"Toothpaste? You made that word up!" - Steve Bushemi
I ran out of toilet paper at Hartsfield/ATL. Then I remembered my mom had told me I could use pages from a book in a pinch. I gotta say...it's really hard to wipe with an e-book.
[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell] BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with? ME: a kiss? B: don't do that
What do you call an attractive girl in Poland A tourist. Or swap in Poland for wherever, spread the love.
Historical fact: The term "bro" originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
A wise Chinese man once said, "if your dog barks, it's undercooked."
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that's just about to happen anyway.
Bi-Polar Bears usually attack without warning, then sob for hours while eating leftover walrus.
What do you call a mexican protein? Amigo Acid
At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.
What goes in hard but comes out soft and sticky? Gum
I like sleeping, it's like death without the commitment.
Why can't you find any painkillers in the jungle? Because the Paracetomol
Subway only exists because we're all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here's $8."
Why is seeing a snow leopard on the hunt almost, but not quite the rarest thing in the world? A ready predator is pretty rare, but not as rare as a pretty redditor! :)
The Holocaust Wasn't That Bad "The holocaust wasn't that bad." "Of course it was!" "I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown." "Why the clown?" "See, no one cares about the Jews."
*hears Siren's song* *eyes glaze* *walks in a trance ten miles* *breaks window to donut shop* I'm here, Mistress. *eats everything* *dies*
Where did the pilgrims land when they came to  America? On their feet!
What happened to the pie dish that got arrested? He was foiled.
I hate when people people ask me what I'm doing in 5 years I mean like, come on guys I don't have 20/20 vision.
Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking vodka from a coffee cup while driving. They took a mug shot.
"So, how was your week off ill?", asked the co-worker to his Scottish counterpart. "Aye, was okay lad, but it was only a wee cough".
What's ET's first name? Spag.
What has 50 legs but cant walk ? Half a centipede !
What do you call a mummy on a horse? A knight in Charmin armor.
Copernicus was trying to figure out why the Sun set at night and rose during the day. Then it dawned on him.
Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders? A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side  to side as they are saying "I don't know?" whenever you ask them a  question.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? Still, no eye deer.
[NSFW] What's the difference between acne and a priest ? Acne waits until you're 14 to come all over your face
How are books like dogs? The good ones are hard to put down
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth 15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
It's not called PowerRamble. It's called PowerPoint, so please get to one.
I'm on a seafood diet I sea food and I eat it.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling.
I did some research to study if women like to use soap or body wash when they shower. 100% of them didn't like me watching them while they bathed.
Whole Foods makes you feel like the million dollars it costs to shop there.
I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Why do feminists only drive cars with automatic transmissions? It pains them to have standards.
too many moms aren't taking care of themselves, need to just laugh more, reddit moms, what makes you laugh?
Why can't cows do ballet? Because they lactose.
Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant? He got creped out.
We'll probably get a raging Boehner after the State of the Union address tonight.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy's house and he's really pissed
Don't be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they'll spend more time manually checking your updates
A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
You shouldn't write with a broken pencil It's pointless
Hey guys, I think I just got murdered but I'm not sure, and WebMD is like ZERO help.
My wife wanted one of those "unique" names for our son. So we named him Jason The 'J' sounds like 'Th'. The "ason" is silent. You add "omas" on the end.
"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? " She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"
I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Its hard to say what my wife does for a living... ...because she sells seashells on the seashore
I Knew a One-Legged Girl I knew a one-legged girl who worked at a brewery She was in charge of the hops
Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries.
What's better than kiddie porno? Adult porno. Kiddie porn is gross, you sick fuck!
Don't give Trump viagra He'll get taller.
Sorry, "hella" was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I'll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
he doesnt always use the internet, but when he does, he shares recipes & inspiratiomal quotes. he is..the most pinteresting man in the world
Google Buzz is Facebook's estranged drug-addicted step sister who eloped with a hideously ugly rich guy named Gmail.
Stranger: so what do you do? Me: I'm in seminary S: seminary huh? so you can't get married? M: nah, I can't get married bc of my personality
If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Make the little things count Teach math to midgets
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A PS4 fan and an Xbox One fan started fighting! Someone call the ambulance! *Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U*
What do you call a straight Godzilla fan? Hedorahsexual
[obama cures cancer, invents hoverboards, saves baby by killing 3 lions with a flurry of devastating headbutts] Americans: LION KILLER OMG
What do you call a man with a 1 inch penis? Justin
What do we want? An endless supply of milk When do we want it? Cow
What did the first cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?
So I saw my mother-in-law getting beaten up by six guys "Aren't you going to do something?" My wife asked. "Nah, six should be enough." (Les Dawson)
Why did Sarah fall out of the tree? Because she had no arms. Knock-knock! "Who's there?" Not Sarah.
There are few things in life as pure and true as a grilled cheese sandwich.
Son: Will you please just try to act normal today? Me: You're going to have to be more specific.
What do you call a boat made of cat shit? a caturdamaran
Why did the jellyroll? He saw the apple turnover.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see any!
aHow many light bulbs does it take to change a man?a -light bulb factory worker going insane
My marriage is based on trust. And according to my wife's lawyers, that trust is based offshore.
Why did Skrillex lose his job at Long John Silvers? He was always dropping the bass.
What did the hen say when she saw the scrambled eggs? My poor, mixed-up kids...
My grandfather told me that our generation depends too much on technology... ...so I unplugged his life support.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: "It's a corny show! We just don't get it!" said one astrophysicist.
LPT: If you're not planning to do anything the entire day, Masturbate. Then you won't want to walk or shower and you can waste your day as originally intended.
American Dream American is telling a German about the "American dream". He asks if they have a German dream? We did, replied the German, but no one really liked it.
What do you call a dinosaur who just got out of a relationship? Tyrannosaurus Ex
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? None. In Russia, light bulb changes you.
"Super Faggot" is a terrible nickname for a baby.
What is the definition of a good farmer? A man outstanding in his field.
Santa keeps his suits in the clauset.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can't think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
What happened when the Jew with a boner walked into a wall? He broke his nose.
Trump released medical records from a Gastroenterologist Giving us proof of an "astonishingly excellent" asshole.
Looks like Black Friday started early in Ferguson
Know how much a pirate pays for corn? Bucaneer
Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I'm going to have to get out.
A Mormon walks into a bar.
My can of whoop ass seems to have expired.
I don't like camels And anybody who can go a week without a drink.
toilet issues why did the dutch man have to get off the toilet? because it was all clogged up!
What kind of people are always in a damn hurry? Russians
"Let there be one more blade!"-Gillette marketing concepts.
I follow anyone who has "18+" in their bio. I'm waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free. You racist!
Why was the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he was a fungi...
We all grew up in the hood Childhood
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast EDIT: Holy shit guys, 2700?!
I met a guy from Seattle on the chairlift when skiing today... I asked him if he wanted to do a run and he replied, "No thanks, I'll pass."
Yo mama so stupid she thinks taco bell is a mexican phone company
I went to Penn State as a tight end. I left as a wide receiver.
Which is better an old ten dollar bill or a new one? An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.
Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers
Why do Muslims hate Hitler? My friend told me this 'joke' after he found out I was Muslim. Him: Why do Muslims hate Hitler? Me: Why? Him: He didn't kill ALL the Jews.
I'm starting to feel bullied by all the anti-bullying commercials.
What's a Canadian Anarchist's favorite shape? A circle, eh.
1. Rent storage unit 2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue 3. Place bodies in storage unit 4. Stop making payments 5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow? She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.
You know your getting old when ... Rough sex is fighting for the bottom.
what's the definition of confusion? Fathers day in Detroit.
Why did the suicidal man cross the road? Because he wanted to play chicken.
What did Chewy say after episode VII? I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo solo
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a microwave? I don't know....I was too busy masterbating.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. God knows what they did up there because they came down with a daughter.
What did the first lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month!
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass
What do you call Japanese pussy? Yellowtail
And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life" But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why did the chicken cross the road half-way? She wanted to lay it on the line.
A blonde runs into a police station "Officer! Officer! Help me, I've been graped!" The policeman is confused "graped" he asks, "well there was a bunch of them"
Vampires aren't on FB because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.
how do you find Will Smith after it snows? .... look for the fresh prints.
Guns don't kill people... ... Husbands who come home early, kill people.
If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it's that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.
I like my women like I like my coffee... I don't like coffee
I'm in the mood to multiply
Every day is a new day. For someone with Alzheimer's or Dementia.
What do you call a furiously masturbating dinosaur? A Velocifapper.
The grown up version of Tetris is loading a full dishwasher.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.
I like my women with curves. Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they're hungry.
My next song is about subtraction. Take it away...
My wife's story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
59 It's like a 69, but one person is in a wheelchair.
Sometimes I think my dog is only interested in food, then I realise that's mostly all I'm interested in as well. He's alright.
CHEF: You're fired ME: Is it cause I call beef patty's "beef patricias?" CHEF: Yes ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef- CHEF: GET OUT
We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
The first 2 slices of pizza cure depression and the last 14 bring it right back.
Newtons 3rd law of emotion Newton's 3rd law of emotion is, for every male action there is a crazy ass female overreaction.
Why did people call the late man a tiny ass? Because he was a little behind.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is "I think of you all the time dear" & not "Sex with who?".
When I was younger, they used to be able to tell me and my twin brother apart by our balls. He'd bawl at night and I'd bawl during the day.
Red, White and Blue represent freedom until you see them flashing behind your car.
How did the hipster drown? By swimming in the main stream.
What's Brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr Dre.......
I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
[30 Days of Christmas Jokes] Why was Santa's little helper sad? Because he had low ELFesteem
What do you call re-arranging the layout of your network? LANscaping.
Did you hear One Direction is breaking up? They're heading separate ways.
what did the mod say when he used the bathroom? "log out"
What do you call someone who masturbates on a plane? A highjacker
I walked past the pub the other day with my girlfriend, and they wouldn't stop calling me a paodophile just cause I'm 30 and she's 20 They completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but. atleast we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
Roses are red... Valentine's Day is Crap! I don't have a girlfriend so FAP FAP FAP!
What do you call a blowjob from a homeless person ? A Bummer
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?  Bolt upright.
All these things that aren't boobs and candy are really starting to piss me off.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Curiosity microwaved the cat.
It's 2023, a child asks her father "how did Donald Trump get elected?" ".....that was the year all the adults were busy coloring."
My girlfriend has just bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Friendly Competition My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
What did Al Gore play on his guitar? An algorithm.
Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair? he was a bad conductor.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: "Are you SURE you want to spell your kid's name that way?"
I do my trigonometry outside... cos tan.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
(Music Theory) Why do composers win debates? Because when their opponent makes a point, they always respond with a valid counterpoint.
What is Donald Trumps least favorite day of the week? Taco Tuesday.
The man who created autocorrect has died Restaurant in peace
Hilary Clinton will be the first f president of the united states.... i was gonna say female but someone deleted the emale.
"I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."
What is the president's favorite vegetable? BARACK-oli. Courtesy of my friend Abraham.
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time somebody goes in a bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.
The sign at the pool says, Children Under 12 Require Supervision. I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I hope there's a special place in Hell for me. I'd hate to be lumped in with all those other assholes.
I was going to do a Liam Neeson joke, but I feel like the best ones have already been taken.
Q: Why'd the robber take a bath? A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do American beer and having sex in a canoe have in common? They're both f**king close to water.
Yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials.
What is green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
I tried to eat a clock... ...but it was very time consuming.
Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar. They both crash when the drivers stop working.
If you're happy and you know it go to hell
Happy Father's Day or, mass confusion, if you live in Harlem.
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as he hits your car windshield on the highway? His ass.
vegan zombie what does a vegan zombie eat? GRAAAAINS
I really want to see that movie about Tom Cruise But I don't think it's ever gonna come out
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Mum: "OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!" Me: "Madness?! NO... THIS IS SPARTA!!" *Kicks Mum*..
Newtown's First Law (OC) Newtown's First Law: For every crisis, there is an opportunistic power-grab by the government to trade freedom for 'security'.
A short Ramadan joke Why does Ramadan go by so quickly?!?!? Because we fast.
What is a whales favorite pasttime? Netflix and krill.
true meaning of duck tape duck tape turns a no no no to a hmm hmm hmm
I hate it when people think I'm staring when really I'm trying to kill them with my mind.
I had an idea for a suit made entirely of banana skins... but no one seemed to find it very appealing.
If you go by "there are plenty more fish in the sea" you'll never find love cause let's start with the fact that you think you can date fish
What's the similarity between video games and roulette? Very fun until it goes Russian.
Why did the Rams give Michael Sam #96? Would #69 be too offensive?
I like my women like I like my coffee Finely ground and sealed in an air-tight container
What do Welshmen call a sheep dog in Wales? Their Pimp
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but it takes nine visits.
I've always stood up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.
<--Goes to gym 3 times a week... Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
What's the difference between juice and cider? I can't go deep in juice.
I went to a wedding. The bride had something old, something new something borrowed...and the groom had something blew.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
My wife's cooking is incredible! With a silent 'cr'
What did the hookers hang on the christmas tree? Whore-naments
No one talks to you on the bus when you're shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Apparently it's inappropriate to ask where her shoes are from when you're in the next stall.
I'm going to wait until lots of ppl get tattoos of my characters, then suddenly make my comic really racist and horrible
What is America worth? Nothing, it's a free country.
I had sex with a prostitute in a clown costume before Stephen King wrote that horror novel. In a pro pre-It.
friend: let's meet up soon me: *in the crow's nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
At midnight in the graveyard You can come across a grave with the name Billy McCrackin. If you go to the grave just after midnight and say "Billy, What are you doing?" He will say Nuthin'
Why did the chicken not cross the road? Because it was lunch
Sneezed while doing sign language and accidentally threw up a gang sign. 17 drug lords are chasing me down the street. Send help.
physics gives me a large hadron.
(Macbeth and lady Macbeth) "I killed King Duncan" Macbeth wtf!! "You told me to!!" I didn't think you'd do it omg lmao savage
Never have sex before 20... It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.
What is a Dutchman who lost his driving license? Homeless.
*sleeps with the fishes but does not use condom*
when i see lovers names carved in a tree... When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit kid: did you die? me: hmm
You know what I hate? Indian givers... ..no wait, I take that back.
Sarah Palin used "refudiate" in a sentence. I think she needs to studiate her vocabulade before she pontifitalks on the televade.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
A man just went completely berserk at a Dollar Store & destroyed everything inside. Total damage: $48.
What's the worst last words your EX-GF can say to you? "I do."
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven't been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what's wrong with you.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn't* Me: Stop or I'll be mad Kids: *keep doing it* Me: Stop or Mom will be mad Kids:*stop immediately*
"You're in no position to be making demands." [does a handstand] "Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation." "Fair enough.
You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF
Whats the difference between a black guy and a pizza? a pizza can feed a family of four
How do you know your sister is on her period? When your dads dick tastes like shit.
What did the cow with a cold say? Boo
R Kelly taking the art out of rap artist.
I watched an Indian weapon dancing ritual today It was pretty Sikh.
why is math book so sad? it has many problems...
My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....
What has four legs, two humps, and is given a copy of Metal Gear Solid for their computer? Revolver Camelot!
What do two owl brothers say when they are carrying something? To me, to hoo.
I don't watch World Cup soccer. If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd go to a bar.
What's the best way to pick up a Jewish girl in the 1940s? With a dustpan.
3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.
Out of 11, how bad is your OCD?
Why can't an elephant ride a  bicycle? Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
Why is it called taking a shit? Cuz no one wants to say they're giving a shit.
Happy Birthday question from grandpa Hey nephew are you trying to overtake me?
What do you call an alligator with a magnifying glass? An investigator.
I just made up a new word Derpflarp
Going to the toy store, pressing the "TRY ME" button on a toy and the fucking thing wont stop...So you just try to get the fuck out of there like nothing happened.
Does anyone actually know the secret to good click-bait titles?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers ...until I'm driving.
My girl stayed true and my dog didn't die, I'm sober ~no country song ever.
You know what's funny? Redditors read these jokes no matter what the title
A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks? The German!
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? The corn farmer shucks between fits, whilst the prostitute fucks between shits.
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Wanna have a little fun? Go to Facebook and post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig ?  A boar constrictor !
Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around
I've started a business building yachts in my attic Sails are going through the roof!
Whats the difference....? What's the difference between a lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a lamborghini in my garage.
What's the tragedy with little people? They lead such short lives.
Maybe I'm like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hella.
Bieberohhellnophobia: fear of accidentally listening to Justin Bieber song & not having the ability to rip own ears off #omgfacts
I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.
I will not kill my coworkers I will not kill my coworkers I will not.... Maybe just one...
Who always wins at musical chairs? Rosa Parks
How does Mulan's boyfriend explain himself when she caught him smoking pot? Shanghai
I'm not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I'm looking for the one that finds it boring.
Friends are like potatoes. When you eat them, they die.
As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself God these don't fit me very well
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! A: Two one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
Husband said, "If you were really THAT funny you wouldn't have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY." So now I have a tombstone to select
Just seen a fish swim into a wall of concrete Dam
Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house. After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?" Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Where did the Indian buy his sandwiches? The New Dehli
What did fish A say to fish B? Wasabi?
My New Year's resolution is 1920 x 1080!
You know what they say, once you go black... ...you're a single mom
ISIS Awards Night: The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed. Unfortunately, Mohammed can't be with us tonight.
Computers can beat us at go and chess, but we can still kick their asses at kickboxing.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia and she whispered "They're behind you."
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.
When you talk to ghosts, they always tell the truth. When you speak with them, they're really transparent.
Why are men the best chefs? Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.
We see you, people who order tea at coffee shops. We see you...
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
I've heard they've started holding races for the cure where the participants are actually cancer patients... ...balderdash, if you ask me.
"Parodies" or homages or whatever the fuck they are of the "Got milk?" ads are worse than AIDS + 9/11 + a 3rd thing you personally hate.
How do you get an art major off your porch? Pay for the pizza
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea ? Jack the kipper !
LOL jokes What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Fun Fact: Cats call their pussies "people"
Why do electricians wear pants? Because they hate shorts.
How do you stop a gang-rape? Throw a basketball in the middle
Friendzone at its' best How to make friends tell a woman you love her, she'll say "I think we are good as friends"
[speed dating] her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you? me: define "child"
Studies have shown that smokers are 97% more likely than non-smokers... to walk out on their families.
What do you call someone who hates people without toes and can't have ice cream? Lack-toes intolerant
The Pope walks into a Mosque. The imam says "Why the wrong faith?"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.
What happens when you give a cow marijuana? The "steaks" get higher
If only Africa had more mosquito nets... We would save millions of innocent misquitos dying from AIDS
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? Ab minor
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers ... if you find one, what's your plan?
Marvel have announced Thor is set to become a woman. New super powers include being judgmental, temperamental and unreasonable.
I don't care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water ... *Hauntingly second guesses every drink she's ever mixed for me now
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn't laugh...
what's the difference between a loaded potato and a normal one? Someone's a lot less deadly with a normal potato.
How to talk to a good girl and bad girl When you talk to a good girl, ask 'How are you?' When you talk to a bad girl, ask 'How much are you?'
My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea. The steaks would be too high.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I'm a pediatrician. Oh, so you're into feet? Uh no...children. Isn't that illegal?
Guess what I had for breakfast this morning. .. Ebola of cereal!
There are 10 types of people in this world... 1. Those who understand ternary. 2. Those who don't. 10 . Those who expected the binary gag.
Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada. He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man's twitter crush. -Emojenesis 8:15
There are two types of people I cannot stand Those who are intolerant of other cultures/ people groups... and the Dutch.
Nazis and the great depression, I get it, Grandpa. But did you have to hear the word 'selfie' every fucking day? Did you?!
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work
There was a kidnapping at my school last week... don't worry they woke him up.
A stripper once told me that I'm not her type. Um, yeah I am. I have a dick and 20 dollars.
Why do black people put their trash out in clear plastic bags? So that the Puerto Ricans can window-shop.
A man walks into a bar *ouch*
These days, lots of things get either exported or imported Except Mexicans, they get deported.
My wife is like a piece of Sodium Carbide She's dangerous when wet
TIL that saying sushi instead of so shitty makes you smile. that is all. no need to click this. If you are reading this you clicked the link, and you are sushi.
You can't be anti-abortion AND pro-death penalty AND a unicorn.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement In the end you ignore it all, wait for the end and click "I agree"
When a roofer works pro bono... It's on the house
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Why should everyone vote for Hillary Clinton? Because Bill said she doesn't suck
As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone... ...making it a weapon of mass reduction.
Researchers have developed a new painkiller with no negative side effects ... and no positive either.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Macbeth Joke Lady Macbeth: Out damned spot! The dog named Spot: Ruff ruff ruff. [Exeunt/Leaves] Spot (Aside): Wow, I wonder why she hates me so much? I thought my bark was polite enough!
A squirrel walks into a bar high on shrooms.... ...He looks at everybody and shouts: "YOU'RE ALL FUCKING NUTS!"
What do you call children born in whore houses? Brothel sprouts...
Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called 'Calvin and Sobs'.
Until yesterday I thought Chatroulette was a French pastry. No wonder the bakery didn't have any.
How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it? Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.
Happy New Year #2018 first.
To test my ability to emphasthize I tried to force myself to empathize with Brock Turner But if I learned anything from him it's that some things should never be forced
My girlfriend called me a pedophile Which is a pretty big word for a 9 year old
What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers ? Infantry !
Him: Why do you wear riding boots? You don't ride horses. Me: Why do you wear sneakers? You don't sneak.
Why was Hitler confused when he arrived in hell? He did Nazi the Aryan his ways.
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic  waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.
They always punch up the fuckline. Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?
What's better than getting gold in the Special Olympics ? Being normal.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
In shop class... student: where do you keep your nails? teacher: on my hands, where else?
A nurse reached into her pocket looking for her pen and found a rectal thermometer instead. She turned to her colleague and said "some asshole has got my pen".
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I was going to post this short, poignant gay joke.. Buttfuck it.
How do you drive an accountant completely  insane? Tie him to a chair stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it'd be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
My girlfriend took me bra shopping It was an uplifting experience
What is the best thing about having sex with a transgender? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
How do you spot the violent kids at the circus? They go straight for the juggler.
My dick is like my grades.... Because its curved.
Don't judge me for my race, don't judge me for my gender. Judge me because I've read all four of the Twilight books.
If I had a dollar for every gender I'd have $1.79.
Migrants are no longer welcome in the Greek island of Lesbos... as some people munched up the red carpet.
Can I program my dvr to delete Whitney but keep the funny commercials?
God made me an atheist Who are you to question his Wisdom.
Him: I know your secret Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah? H: You killed someone M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Vampire who is obsessed with his diet. -Count Calories
How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.
An Old German Visits the Doctor. His doctor comes into the room with a frown on his face, and tells him he has Lung Cancer. "Well," the German says, "I did Nazi that coming."
Shakira molests air and calls it dancing.
I want to get a medical bracelet that says, "Shy" so I can I just hold it up during social situations.
It's no superpower but I'm pretty good at winding down my car window without moving my arm so it looks like I have power windows.
My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data. I guess the N's justify the means.
Jaded Prostitute &amp; considerate leper What did the leper say to the prostitute? Stop me if you've heard this one
A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark"
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough's bedroom* ATTENBOROUGH: What the- WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
What kind of pokemon is a vagina that's just had an extended session of hard sex? Vulvasore :D
Italian moms vs. Jewish moms At dinner the Italian mom says to their children, "eat..eat.. or I'll kill you!" Where as the Jewish mom says, "eat... eat.. or I'll kill myself!"
Whether you are a pile of rubble or dust in the wind... ...depends on how you were razed.
Fe Fi Fo Fum Bopomofo First time to make a joke; I tried.
How much Norris? (Tongue twister) How much Norris could Chuck Norris chuck, if Chuck Norris could chuck Norris?
What's the difference between acne and a Child Molester? Acne waits till you are 13 to come all over your face.
A cat's love is like nothing you've ever experienced unless you've dated a completely aloof murderer with autism.
What do you call cheese that is by itself? Provolone
Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on whether she's going to kill batman or not.
I just thought of a really funny joke... but I forgot it.
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? He was the skipper!
This list is unbelievable! Number 3 is just SHOCKING; Wait till you see what number 2 is and what tops this list is just amazing! Unbelievable List: 1. Amazing 2. 3. Static electricity
Why did the plant get sentenced to death? Cause bush did 9/11
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I can see my Uber driver's car is almost out of gas and it's really stressing me out.
It's getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I went out dressed as a chicken last night. and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.
The leading cause of depression is reality.
Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because that's the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.
What did the guitar teacher say to the frustrated student? Now, don't fret about it!
What do a puppy and a near sighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
Sometimes I like to use big words... So people will think I am more photosynthesis
Two elephants jump off a cliff Boom, boom
Did you hear about the murder of the cartoon artist? The details are sketchy.
My ex wife is like the Mona Lisa I mean, she's not that pretty or anything, but I would be damn near ecstatic if I came home and found her hanging in the living room
Answer: 9W Question: Does your name begin with a V Herr Wagner?
You know what the worst part of vaping is? Telling your parents you're gay.
All conspiracy theories are false. They're cooked up by the government to distract people from what they're doing.
What did Michael Jackson have in common with Target? Boys clothes half off.
Clown Plays cruel joke on Black Guy Black guy get bashed over the head with a powered sock!
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there's no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My ex-girlfriend was an opera singer. With her it was always "me me me"
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
A Roman walks into a bar He holds two fingers up to the barman and says "five beers please"
When do we need airplane noises? NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW
MTV banning a video is kind of like a record store banning a book.
How did the bear kill the man? With his bear hands.
The only thing we can anticipate about Nelson Mandela's condition is that his rap discography is about to skyrocket in the charts.
Trumps wives were immigrants Proving again that they'll do jobs Americans won't
[arguing with my wife] WELL AT LEAST I DON'T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
What's a Lawyers favourite food? suet
Women who like facials must be a myth. At least, I've never cum across one.
Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?" "ICU baby, shaking that ass"
What's the difference between congress and a circus? One is a Cunning array of Stunts...
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Why did the Trump inauguration look so small? Camouflage!
I have to hand it to Trump He's the only man to win an argument with a women
Why is there cotton in medicine bottles? To remind black people they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
"We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name" Shamcrap?! "Awful" Shampoop?! "Get out!" Shampoo? "Genius!"
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Ever have sex while camping? It's intents
C sections. They really take it out of you.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car... They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby..
10x2 and 11x2 are the same thing 10x2=20 and 11x2=20 too
Blondes and their belly buttons Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Blonde boys aren't all that bright either.
Why do we hire Nazis as Game Developers? Because they're Pro-Grammer.
Did you hear about the man whose first girlfriend was a dwarf? He's still nuts over her.
A black man walks into a bar... ...with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender exclaims, "Wow! How exotic! Where did you get it?" "Africa" Says the parrot.
What do you call a mentally impaired French Man that cant say no? A Oui-Tard
I don't think my black friends on Facebook have the same keyboard as me.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
What did the son corn say to the mama corn? Where's pop corn?
I just ran over a tree, a 5'2" blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I can't wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I'm not bisexual. I'm ambisextrous.
Why is owning a dog better than being in a relationship? My dog can't tell people when I beat it.
What did the pervert say to the Sex Detective? I'm sorry officer I didn't know this was your jurisdicktion. I heard this on a movie years ago, can anyone guess which one it was?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let 'em fight that shit out.
Yelling "PARKOUR" whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot
What did the baker say about her co-worker who never sleeps and always smells funky? At yeast he's a fungi.
Is it necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down? Not all of us are surgeons.
It's late and I'm wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now. I'd call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.
The NSA isn't all that bad It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!
What do you get when you combine an excess of waste and recycling? r/jokes
Driving back from funeral yesterday: Stairway To Heaven *click* Tears In Heaven *click* Highway To Hell *click* Macarena! *leaves it*
I think I have an infallibility complex I've never been wrong before.
"The bad news is that you've had a stroke. The good news is that IKEA has hired you to name all their new products!"
Boobie joke..... (slightly NSFW?) How do you describe/measure a certain amount of boobies? In 'quantitties'.
How many US Congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, please. Like they've ever changed anything that needed it.
A cop came to my house and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes that's ridiculous I said, my dogs don't ride bikes.
The other day, I went to www.conjunctivitis.com ... Now *that's* a site for sore eyes...
What kind of street to ghosts, goblins and ghouls live on? A Dead End.
Great Britain has left the EU Now they have a GB of free space
What do you call a dog cartographer? Newfoundland
What did the US President with Alzheimer's ask his wife? Who are you?
Lucy fell in front of the train she screamed out for help "HELP ME! I DONT WANT TO DIE THIS WAY!!", so Luke came running over and cut her throat instead. Nice work Luke. You should be more like Luke.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger then it hit me
Confucius say if someone call you idiot it better you keep quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt
I'm trying to channel my inner Kubrick for my next porno. I'm calling it "A Cockwork Orange".
A year on twitter... I remember when all this was fields.
Getting married next week I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a "ladies man." But the jury preferred the term "rapist."
How do you make a neato burrito? With cool beans.
A 7 y/o asks his mom at the dinner table... "Mom?" "Yes, honey?" "I can be whatever I want to be right?" "Yes, dear." "Then can I be a carnivore?" "...Eat your vegetables."
I like my women like I like my coffee, tied up in burlap and thrown over the back of a donkey.
This is an X and Z conversation... Y are you in the middle?
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: Because they don't know where home is.
There's no better feeling than laying next to the person you love And they don't know you love them Or that you're in their house again
If Joffrey Baratheon was anymore inbred... he'd be a sandwich.
Pac-Man is a good metaphor for life because the goal is to eat all the pellets in a level. There is also fruit & ghosts, just like in life
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I slept with a coworker. The bad news is I work at the Dollar Store.
Why are Leprechauns always laughing? Because the grass tickles their balls when they run EDIT: I don't know why I decided to post this..
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.
Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?
What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. [Thanks, Wagon Train camper!]
Little Willy Was A Chemist Little Willy is no More For what he thought was H20 was H2SO4
Barack Obama is planning to tighten gun purchase loopholes by executive order this week. Republicans are already planning to shoot it down.
I thought I had a brain tumor but then I realized it was all in my head.
I was going to tell an original joke about fences... but then I decided to repost
I'm picking up some really good vibes from this guy... ...because he's not coming with me tonight. :(
Are oranges named orange because they're orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Steve Irwin lived as he died With animals firmly in his heart
What time do you go to the dentist? 2:30
What's your number? A Jewish girl and a man meet in a bar. They hit it off and the man asks for the girls number. The girl lifts up her sleeve.
I once met a man from Nantucket... I don't know the rest, so fuck it.
I'm leaving for London tomorrow. It's going to be really weird Tweeting from the left hand side of the road.
How many redditors does it take to post a joke to /r/jokes? Only one. **/r/Jokes** is **widely known** to be a **breeding ground** for new, **original jokes**.
Does the Ku Klux Klan hold a 3k run every year as a fund raiser? Shouldn't they? I mean, they are racists after all. The publicity just writes itself.
So Harambe walked into a bar Bartender: What will you be having to drink? Harambe: I'll have a beer Me: No, he'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice? Me: Yes, justice for Harambe
How do you know if an Asian broke into your house? Your math homework's done, your computer is upgraded, and that little shit is still trying to back out of your driveway.
I slept like a log last night. A badger pissed on me.
How can you tell if someone is a chemistry major? They have a mole on their body.
Some guys robbed a bank, and to escape, they blew a hole in the wall... the police are looking into it.
My girlfriend got a sex change. I'm not crazy about it but she's happy as Larry
I came home the other day to find my girlfriend dipping twenty dollar billsin batter and frying them. I said, "There you go again, frittering ourmoney away!"
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can't pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I Hate everyone! Angry guy: I HATE EVERYONE Random guy: Sir, how can you hate me? You dont even know me.. Angry guy: Hello my name is George.. Random Guy: Im Max.. George: OK, now fuck you Max
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I just found out that my blood type is B negative. That's the worst one. My day is ruined.
What was the internet speed in Canada in the 1990's? 56eh.
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking? Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane. Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.
Funniest Joke Ever... What do you call a crazy introvert?..............A walnut. *crickets* Thank you, thank you.
How does a lawyer sleep? He rests his case...
Have you heard about the all-lesbian construction crew? well, they don't use studs; it's all tongue &amp; groove :)
Two blondes walk into a bar You would think one of them would have seen it.
Did you hear about the knife-wielding madman who attacked a circus camp the other day? He went straight for the juggler.
An electrician beat himself with live wires His wife called the police He was charged with battery.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
What did the bear say to the judge? I bearly touched her.
Man arrested on charges of being nice, quiet guy. "I'm shocked, he always seemed like such a murderous asshole," said a neighbor.
I used to be indecisive... But now I'm not sure. EDIT: I know this is an old joke, but it's one of my favorite one-liners, so I thought I'd share.
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics ? All sorts of antics !
Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.
Whilst reading through an ancient book at the British Library, I found a magic spell' that would supposedly make women want to have sex with me. Worked like a fucking charm.
I started dating an optometrist, but she left me... She just said she couldn't see me anymore.
Jews be like Nah Way is Jesus the son of God And Christians be like Yahwah!
Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site  for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
If we become engaged will you give me a ring? Sure, what's your phone number?
I'm not sexist because being sexist is wrong, and being wrong is for women.
Hey, are you BB-8? (harmless spoiler) Coz I'd like to fix your antenna (   )
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? Two. One to eat it, another to look out for traffic!
What do you call a chicken without feathers? Dinner!
My son decided to help me clean the car today. After ten minutes of watching him, I told him to use some elbow grease. Two hours later, the idiot came back and told me that he couldn't find it.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face...
Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.
Mr. Peanut can't be a health nut... because he is a legume.
Which way will it fall? If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land? Roosters don't lay eggs
I pulled a muscle masturbating... I know, I know; you're not supposed to put the punchline in the title.
Pregnancy in the 1940's. (Doc) - "Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you".... (Patient) - "Thats MISS Smith, doctor!".... (Doc) - "Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you"....
A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work
If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them, then a little past them and avoid them altogether it's probably not worth it.
The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.
Scandium, Iodine, neon, corium. What is it? It's Science. UPDATE: I'm an idiot
*Takes your face in my hands* *Looks deep into your eyes* *Whispers "You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you" *
Meth, because teeth are annoying.
Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
Three of five fingers were willing to cooperate but the thumb and forefinger were opposed!
"I enjoy long walks on the bitch." -a flea's online dating profile
Did you here about the female thief? I heard she was a mistake
What's the difference between a dentist and a sadist? Newer magazines
When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. We had to go to the library to masturbate.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
A Horse goes into a bar and says Nothing. Because a horse cant speak.
What's the cheesiest Stallone film? Roquefort.
I've noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn't know you played. I'm looking to trade my Nana card.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water? A: Bob
I wanna be that one kid who.... shows Kim Kardashians kid her sextape
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? BA NA NA NA!
What do chemists say when they smell something that they don't like? Pu
If you set sail from Los Angeles, CA to Barrow, AK, what would your bering be? Strait
What did Hellen Keller name her dog? Naaaaagggghhhhhhh.
I live with my wife in a two story house... "I'm too tired" and "I have a headache" are the only two stories I hear...
Astronauts are cowards, why don't you stay down here and face earth's problems like a man
I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.
There are 3 types of guys in this world  1) Handsome  2) Lucky  3) Me
What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a bird? A Doberman fincher!
Pasta Diet 1.. You walk pasta bakery. 2.. You walk pasta candy store. 3.. You walk pasta Ice Cream shop. 4.. You walk pasta fridge.
Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one.. I think he needs Help.
That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.
"I love it when you call me Big Papa." -obese Dad who's comfortable in his own skin to his child
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches
What did the chinese guy say to the mongoose? Bing fwong dong 9/11
Why don't many buddhists work in the railroad industry? they have too many ohms to be good conductors.
What were the last words of king Laius? "Mother fucker."
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I'm in prison.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon... ...they gave him the cold shoulder.
I'm sick and tired of hearing Jew jokes! Anne Frankly, none of them are even that good.
What is your favorite biology joke?
What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons? Hose a and hose b
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she's 18
What did God say when he made black people? "Ah, shit. A burnt batch."
the ideal number of pillows should be on a bed is 6-10.
Coworker: Do you party? Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
One man's sarcastic answer, is another man's stupid question
If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait... that's for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.
Who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute? A prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.
What do you call an snobbish Mongolian ruler going down the stairs? A condescending Khan descending.
A reality show where the contestants arent allowed to say "at the end of the day" "I'm not here to make friends" or "threw me under the bus"
What was Ryu's response when someone asked if they could have his autograph? "Sure you can!"
"Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don't be clingy."-women
How many light bulbs did it take to screw a human? None, there not too bright with doing anything except showing us where to go when were lost in the dark
TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a... Baby shower.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice ... In a row. They're in rotation.
What did the wheat say to the man with the scythe? "I yield!"
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If you murder a dude and feel guilty just tell his family "sorry" and if they can't get over it after that then who are the monsters really
What about breakfast teaches us the difference between "interested" and "committed"? In a ham and egg sandwich, the chicken had an interest, but the pig is committed.
Why are all computer scientists such pessimists? They always worry about the worst case!
Why did the teacher have trouble controlling her pupils? She was cross eyed.
Do you wanna build a snowman? Come on, let's go and play!
Shout-out to my arms For always being by my side
What's the difference between a bucket of blended dead baby and a bucket of sand? I can't gargle sand.
What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together Edit: It doesn't work if you apply too much logic. Just enjoy the joke
I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter in my stomach.
My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night.
Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
WHO AM I?-Everything Bagel
How did Vladimir Lenin originally get into power? "This isn't just a campaign, this is a political *revolution!*"
Idea! Tiny headphones for pigeons who are self-conscious about their head bopping & want to make it look like they're listening to music.
What's Hitler's favorite letter? I don't know, but certainly not Z.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*sings Batman theme *crawls along bars of death *rolls down slope *ascends tower *knocks out foes "Miss, you need to leave the playground."
What do you call a Jewish wookie? Jewie get it? Chewie? from star wars?
Just reminding everyone on the sub, 9/11 jokes aren't funny. They're plane wrong.
What is it called when Batman leaves church? Christian Bale... 
What is the favorite saying of a police officer in the Simpsons? If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown shoot it down.
What's orange, and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.
What do you call a square peg that wonders if it could plug a round hole? Pi-curious.
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
My wife went to the West Indies for her holidays. Jamaica? No, she wanted to go.
How do you separate the Greek men from the Greek boys? A crowbar.
Starting a blog that's just reviews of the food I steal out of the fridge at work.
Silence is Golden by Xavier Brethe
The C in Closed is open... but the O in Open is closed
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Teach a man to Google how to fish and he'll wind up looking at fish porn for the rest of his life.
The teacher asked what comes after the number 69... The student replies, "Mouthwash."
Fans of two famous writers watched them both compete in an archery contest... Talk about a target audience.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? ... There was nothing left but de Brie.
You know what most people hate about ambiguity? Stuff.
"It's not you, it's meat" - vegan break up
Where does a Muslim go for a quick bite? Allahu Snackbar!
A SHIT JOKE.... Two flies are sitting on a shit. One farted and the other one said "Do you mind ? I'm eating here.....
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Then the librarian told me to take it out.
How many Mexicans does it take to build a... Oh, wait, they're done.
Assorted s a/e x jokes Remember to always practice safe sax We don't suck we blow wet the butt, wiggle, and blow
I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team
Dude, did you hear Willy Nelson's gone..? Yeah..he's on the road again.
Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He's been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn't work and then shot!
What do you call an Italian's semi-formal shirt? Marco's polo
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? At least 7. One to screw in the bulb and the others to form a support system. They would also like you to know they're vegan.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Two guys walk into a bar... ... I can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.
What did the leper say to the hooker? "Keep the tip."
A Welshman is talking to his girlfriend... when she asks, "How many sexual partners did you have before me?" "I don't know." replies the Welshman. "Everytime I try and count them I fall asleep."
what sign on your phone does a dog hate the most The pound sign.
When does a bed grow longer? At night, because two feet are added to it.
Some guy told me he liked me, but he doesn't follow me on twitter so his opinion is invalid.
How do you scare a man?  Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
How did Nazi's pickup Jewish Women? With a dust pan and broom
Have you heard about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard
What do you call a prostitute who's upset about gun control? A sandy hooker
what's the difference between a cat and compound sentence? one has claws at the end of it's paws...the other has a pause at the end of it's clause.
I don't like anti jokes... I like uncle jokes
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7.
How do you fit an elephant in a subway.... you take the s out of sub and the f out of way
How do pirates know that they exist? They think, therefore they arrrr
My town's population never changes Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Me: Read this tweet. Wife: Sure. Me: Is it racist? Wife: No. Me: Sexist? Wife: No. Me: Is it offensive at all? Wife: No. Me: *deletes tweet*
What's white on top and black at the bottom? Society
The biggest problem with teen pregnancy is that those idiots still think it's okay to name a kid "Bentley" or "Destiny."
My mate was killed yesterday, the bookies he worked in collapsed and he was pinned against the wall by boxes of betting slips. Firemen tried to help but the odds were stacked against him.
What do hot cups of coffee and crazy women have in common? You shouldn't stick your dick in it, and you always regret it when you do.
Recent studies have shown that Apple is trailing behind Samsung in innovation Experts predict that it will take at least another two years for iPhones to bring explosive features to the market.
Sorry, my dog ate your text message.
"Oh, we're going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked." - my 2 year old
Damn girl, are you damn girl? Cuz damn girl.
Then a white guy laughed at his own joke with an intensity that hinted at a darkness within.
My brother pointed to his coffee table and said "those are my new gloves" He's always making off-hand remarks like that
What does batman get in his drinks? Just Ice
Just recorded the baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep later to see how he likes it...
9/11 jokes aren't funny... My dad died on 9/11. I still remember his last words "ALLAHU AKBAR".
We would tease Jacob because he had glasses. Once we pulled them of him, but then he began to tease us because we had glasses.
if you're stuck in a group text, an easy way out is to throw your phone in the street and start a new life
The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides! Your days are numbered missy.
How was the Redditor with only one karma upvote able to look like he had five karma upvotes? He was a karma-karma-karma-karma, karma chameleon!
What did one nut say to the other nut? Between you and me, our neighbor is a dick.
How does a woman take care of her asshole? She packs him a lunch and sends him to work.
I couldn't find my eye drops today It seems like eye dropped it. :|
Teeth are so weird. Imagine if all of our bones were exposed and we had to brush them.
What's the heaviest soup? One ton soup.
I hate mosquitoes, they're like nature's version of a Jehovah's Witness..........
MOVE CHEESE!! Get out of the whey!! Credit to some youtuber.
This is embarrassing. I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss's office. He's watching me tweet this. I'm fired.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Twitter: something to read when people are talking to you.
$500 worth of condoms and lubricant were stolen overnight from a Sydney sex shop. Police described the thieves as slippery,well covered,hardened criminals.
What's yellow and smells of bananas? Monkey sick
Why do jews have a big nose? Because air comes free of charge.
I sent ten puns to an online contest... I was hoping at least one would win a prize but no pun in ten did.
Eyebrow gaps are so much more important than thigh gaps
If I were president my approval rating would be bananas, because as president I would change all rating systems to types of fruit.
I once knew an Asian lady with one leg... Her name was Irene.
I really hope Al Gore was in a band during college And named it "Algorithm"
Even if I had a refrigerator with glass doors; I would still stand there with the door open.
And now, here's a disappointing joke with an anticlimactic punchline. You're welcome.
Saturday in my 20's: "Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!" Tonight: "Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!"
Whats the hardest part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I'm mean. Which is absurd. Plus, they're ugly.
What does Hitler say when he's impressed? That's Totalatarily Awesome
"What if we make headphones that stay in people's ears?" "Good idea Bob!" [aside] "Kill him and his whole family." -Apple meeting
What's the spaciest kind of camel? Andromedary
What is the world's fastest land animal? The Ethiopian chicken
Tom DeLong has split from Blink 182... Looks like he lasted 'de long' time.
I just unlocked the "My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare" badge on Foursquare!
Policeman: Didn't you see that stop sign? Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.
In the beginning... Miller Brewing said, "Let there be Lite." The Fat Broad said, "Less filling, but I'm not sure it tastes great."
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee *before* it was cool.
What was Ghandi? Super-callous-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis
I think we could significantly cut down the number of different pasta shapes and still be okay.
What do you call the grounds of a university that specializes in teaching neuroscience to hippopotamuses? Hippocampus!
Here is a horrible insult. You look good.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home." I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
What's the difference between a Baby Hobbit and Taco Bell? One throws shire fits, and the other gives you fire shits.
I'm going to hell for this but..... *knock knock* Who's there? *9/11* 9/11 who? *you said you'd never forget*
I told my friend he was noble.... He didn't react.
What's the best part about having sex with 28-year-olds? There are 20 of them.
Kristen Stewart looks like she always has mono
What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say before he died? Aloha Ackbar!
So I've been studying up on clams lately I want to take up boxing, and I heard part of training is mussel memory.
Why did Adelle cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
What does an Alzheimer's patient say whenever they browse /r/funny? "Hey, this looks new!"
Carbs are my starch enemy.
Do you have to be from Vietnam to open up a restaurant called "Viet Noms?" I'm asking for a friend
A German joke... A man is thanking a German firefighter in America for saving 100 people. The German says, "Don't Menschen it"
that stage of not showering where you develop a sort of detached, clinical interest in how bad you smell & seeing how much worse it can get
My last girlfriend was a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
How do alien hunters keep from oversleeping? They SETI their alarm-y
What do dyslexic zombies eat? BRIANS!! Everyone else is safe
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant] FRIEND: You seen my elephant? ME: no FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
What did the regular expression truck driver say when he saw the number 10000? 10{4}
I'm getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.
As a kid I'd watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I'm like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Doing crazy things in public and not caring because you're with your best friends.
What is the difference between your wife and your job? Your job still sucks.
Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Best Classic Joke Ever... So Seinfeld says "What's the deal with airline food!?" LMAO
Arguing on the Internet is like sex with a goat No matter how good your performance, everyone else now thinks less of you.
If pizza places cold called people's homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I just changed a light bulb with a beer in my hand if anyone needs a man for something.
Don't forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like "make a left in 300 feet" and "you've reached your destination."
Crack babies are really sad but meth babies are super productive.
Either way she's getting a D I can't remember if she asked me for my class notes or for a dick picture, either way she's getting a D.
A man who has no right arm and no right leg falls off his wheelchair Thankfully, a woman passing by noticed him and approached him, offering some help. "Are you alright?" "No, I'm not. I'm all left."
I found my first gray pube the other day. It was in a kebab.
Did you hear about the guy in the Islamic State who was caught smoking weed? He was stoned.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
If all else fails, pretend you don't speak English.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
*brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Somebody parked in my spot and now I'm in the market for a rocket launcher.
Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey? The swim-fast diet.
Good credit is like Good Pussy, It sticks around until the money is gone.
A wise statistician once told me: Be thankful you have more hands than average.
The limerick writers on Twitter Can be justifiably bitter The limited length Is weakness, not strength And throws our last lines down the sh
What happens when a spoon and fork get into a fight? civilwar
Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1%
How many dubstep fans does it take to clean a shower? 100. 1 to actually clean the shower, and 99 to stand around and talk about how filthy it is.
Why don't tortoises wear scarves? They have turtlenecks
Church basketball What do you call a group of nuns who's into basketball? Slam NUNk Who's their MVP? Stephen Mary
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
You know you are old when... You need a viagra first before having sex
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Procrastination is like masturbation: it is fun and feels good but in the end you've only fucked yourself.
Daddy! Tell me a story.. The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open. Good night.
Sex is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good... ...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.
So about that guy with the premature ejaculation problem.... ...i heard he comes out of nowhere
Artistic people of Reddit, what is being artistic really like? And can I get fries with that?
Why is Iraq like the weather in Britain? Because it's either Sunni or Shiite
Did you hear Chinese philosophers discovered gravity hundreds of years before Newton? Too bad they had so many durian trees.
Why did princess Diana cross the street? Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.
Why does the Mexican guy take xanax? For hispanic attacks Edit: Happy Cinco de Mayo
If you have a donkey and I have a rooster, and your donkey bites off my roosters feet. What do you have? 2 feet of my cock in your ass
Why is jumping from great heights the most influential way to die? Because you make an impact
Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass afterdrinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made ofhimself.
Since the presidential race has literally a dick measuring contest... who would win the election if the election is decided by dick measurements? Hillary Clinton of course!
A man walks into a bar Ouch.
Why was the sprout farmer so assertive? He was an alfalfa male.
rolls sleeve rolls sleeve rolls sleeve rolls sleeve rolls sleeve rolls sleeve rolls sleeve rolls sleeve -Octopus preparing for a fight
Never go car shopping when you're hungry for cars.
What did the mexican say when a development fell on him? yo get off me, homes!
Who so thelioma? Mesothelioma
Did you heard about the cardiac arrest victim? He was shocked when he survived
How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant? Marry her.
My father always told me, he liked his women like he liked his sunglasses. Sitting on his face.
My friend brags to me all the time about the women he has seen naked We both agreed the internet is awesome.
What did Picasso and Smurfette have in common? Both had blue periods.
Matthew McConaughey is for Matthew McConaughorses
Why are they called dive bars? Because they have pool
Friend ran in the Boston Marathon, He said he had a blast but can't feel his legs.
Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!
Why so many conservative white Americans voted Obama? Old whites on their deathbeds saw "the light" people so often experience when they approach death, and accidentally voted for it.
You're the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.
The executioner let me tie my own noose He said I'm getting the hang of it.
You Tolkien to me?!" - Hobbit de Niro.
Christmas breakup: play Lexus commercial theme, when they run outside have all their crap packed for them on your driveway, lock the door.
How do you insult an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.
Brain: stop eating! Me: why B: you'll get fat M: so? B: there's only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach! M: oh *stops eating*
I like to stop at the UPS store late at night and leave little notes on their door letting them know I stopped by but they weren't open.
What do you call food between two slices of bread? a sandwich
Skunks are just mean cats with asshole powers. Get it?
I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
I noticed that my waitress had a black eye... So I ordered veeerrryyy slooowwwly, because she obviously doesn't listen.
RIP Fidel Castro You will be Commu-missed.
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40  years? A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? A woman will blow one every time.
2 goats were found to have dyslexia after turning up to a toga party.
Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink all day.
Some people are like Slinkies... They're not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
*stares into distance* Distance: Please stop staring. It's rude.
Cashier: "Look at all this candy! You're going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween" Me: "It's Halloween?"
I have an EpiPen I'll use it as a weapon to fend off the repost haters.
What does someone do after they eat too much bacon? They go hog wild
What do you call a search for small guitars? Uke hunt!
Damn girl, are you from Syria? Because you're revolting.
By now, I've stopped calling it "sandwich" meat and started calling it "stand in front of the fridge and eat it out of the baggie" meat.
You know why when geese fly in a V, one side of the V is longer than the other? More geese on that side.
When my toaster broke, my wife left me. I guess she was lack toast intolerant
I need to start buying Tupperware to store my leftovers before throwing them out two weeks later.
Kinda creepy that Noah could tell the difference between the male and female versions of EVERYTHING
People say I'm too condescending. (That means I talk down to them)
This jokes called, "Chumbawama" and it starts out really nice, but if you want to know the punch-line..... Hey...buy the rights.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I need a good pun about Calvinism
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
My girlfriend said she will leave me unless I stop pretending to be a hotel... I said, 'but you can never leave!' 'You can check out anytime you like'.
A man was caught having sex with the Venus de Milo... ...he was charged with statutory rape
I've just been in the garden with my stepladder Not my real ladder, I don't get on with him
What did the Hawaiian terrorists say when they blew up a restaurant? ALOHA SNACKBAR
Mr. Habbits overdosed on dick pills old habbits die hard
SM A Masochist walks up to a Sadist. Masochist: Hurt me. HURT ME! Sadist: No.
2 cats are trying to cross a river... The first cat is named "One Two Three", and the second cat is named "Un Deux Trois". Only 1 survives, which one? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi
I am going to kiss you and take your resources
If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.
Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.
The Insomniac by Eliza Wake
Why don't black pitchers throw three strikeout in a row? Because they don't believe in the KKK
Why was the Texan afraid of the clock? Because it reminded him that time was moving forward.
Who forgot his phone charger today? THIS gu
Who wants to get enraged and go persecute Christians? No one.
Q: What is Mozart doing right now? A: Decomposing.
Can't call it a real relationship if you feel single.
[working at Bed Bath & Beyond] ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for? CUSTOMER: Shower head. ME: Sir, please, we just met.
How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb? None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!
Little league Played baseball with some orphaned kids today. :) I won. None of them seemed to know where home was.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Q. Why should you never order the T-bone in an Alaskan restaurant? Because it might be a moose steak.
Why couldn't the Mexican go hunting? Because he didn't habanero!
Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk? Because their wives are driving.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr.Dre
Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment? He had some time to kill.
If Rand Paul ran for president and put Scott Walker on his ticket as running mate, their campaign would be Paul Walker 2016
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
This guy at my school has eight zits on his face. We call him octo pus.
A gerund, infinitive, and a past participle walk into a bar. Drinking, to drink, to get drunk
HER: You didn't make a reservation? ME: I got this. (to Maitre D') Perhaps *this* will jog your memory? M: A handful of Skittles, sir?
My business running a dating agency for chickens just folded. Its hard making hens meet.
If anyone has a good fishing pun... Let minnow.
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana? "You have a lot of appeal."
What's the difference between most people and planes? Most people miss the twin towers.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten. I call it Spock and Aww. Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
tilt your head up as in like look up at the sky and squeeze the bridge of your nose and blink alot. it prevents crying u wimp
Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, absolutely horrified! The thing was practically all stems and seeds.
With the recent success of mining for Chileans, I'm just hoping the U.S. doesn't try drilling for Farm Laborers.
Practice makes perfect. But only if you remove the A, the I, a C, add an F and an E and then rearrange the letters.
Whats up? My dick.
Why did the punster enjoy the Broadway show about etymology? Because it was a play on words.
CAPS LOCK. BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO UNLEASH THE FURY!
Nuts Two peanuts walk into a bar, one of em was a salted!
Ebenezer Scrooge must have been tripping pretty badly to see all those ghosts He probably popped a Marley
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I'm sobering up.
"I know" - me, on something I don't know
Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.
When you thought all of the celeb deaths of 2016 were over then WHAM!
What's the difference between a robber and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch
Life is like a box of chocolates... When you've reached the end you feel sick, ashamed, and you just want to die.
I'm perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince...But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Why was the Muslim arrested for speeding during Ramadan? Because he was going *to fast*!
I work with a guy named Rick. I'm pretty sure he spells his name with a silent "P."
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway!
What does an electrician say while meditating? Ohm... Ohm...
Where do Mathematicians sail? Indices.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don't think it's weird, it's so clever! My gf 2nd month: listen
Male ladybugs prefer to be called "bugs."
On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?
Met the daughter's new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered 'looking forward to tonight's three way'... And that is that.
What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy Dead People.
Settle down, Levi's commercial. You are talking about pants.
I hope it's true that girls eventually turn into their mothers, because this girl I just ran over has a mother who's alive.
My brother... Likes driving black and white F1 race cars. They call him the F1 racist.
What did the nucleus say to get the electron up? Up and atom!
How many /r/Jokes mods does it take to change a light bulb? [removed]
Ned: What does your Dad sell ? Ed: Salt. Ned: Well my dad is a salt seller too. Ed: Shake.
Gynaecologist aka female private investigator
Why did the gay scarecrows get divorced after their surrogate mother aborted their IVF baby on obamacare? The whole thing was one big straw man argument.
The Calbuco volcano is very hot right now... But everything around it is Chile.
To test my kid's readiness for a pet I had her clean up poop in the yard all week and now I can't go back to using the toilet.
I used to think I was a fast reader And I was quite proud of it until I heard about these so called "9- 11 Jumpers" who went through over 100 stories in 10 seconds ...Incoming repost comments
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that's all you'll have to make your kids think you're cool.
I wanted a screamer or a moaner for Christmas Instead I got a sweater.
What all girls want? All girls want 70 things in their life 1. Shopping Rest are "69"
Are the UK banning the export of cheese? I keep hearing on the radio about cheddar vans not being allowed overseas
Loaf me, loaf me, say that you knead me.
To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job. Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.
My childhood was pretty traumatizing... for my parents.
I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!! - squirrels
I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing
Does anyone else think Squidward's nose looks like...nevermind. There are children in the room.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field
What did that car driver die of?
Yo mama so fat.. she uses google plus(G+) instead of regular google
If you ever get cold Just stand in a corner for a bit, they're usually around 90 degrees.
Chuck Norris was at the Homerun Derby He pitched a no hitter!
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
What did the deaf bug order at the bar? A Bee-Ear
Girl, if you were a camel, I'd hump you!
Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world. Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...
It's International Holocaust Remembrance Day And Fugghedaboutit Day in Germany.
'Space Jam' never gets old - that's because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don't spoil. Hi, I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I was so bored last night I decided to make a belt out of all my watches It was a complete waist of time
When I was a kid, I use to think a "sexual predator" was a horny alien from the movie "predator" Turns out my uncle just liked to collect movie costumes.
Who's a gamers favourite Asian Lo Ping
What does it mean when your home is listed as a distribution center on the Keebler website?
I can't help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.
My new television is really hyperactive. It's an ADHDTV.
How do sheep divide candy? They all get their fair shear
The best part about being ugly? You don't have to change your profile picture for Halloween.
A man walks into the bar... The bartender: "Hi Dave!" The boss faints.
I treat my body like a temple.. That's been destroyed by ISIS
The creator of throat lozvenges died and i went to his funeral no coffin there
How did pirates communicate before the internet? Pier to Pier Networking
They're building a restaurant on Mars now... They say the food will be great, but they're worried about a lack of atmosphere.
Why does the universe expand?.... All the Milky Ways. You get it.
Did you hear about the man who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I don't like to boast about my sexual prowess but... (NSFW) I don't like to boast about my sexual prowess but I lick ass at cunnilingus. Oops, I mean kick ass. That was just a slip of the tongue.
Thought I saw God in my rear-view mirror yesterday... Turns out it was just a dog.
Teacher told me to give her eye contact when I speak with her. So i jabbed my finger in her eye to touch it.
what do you call someone who critiques bad jokes? A cheese-grader!!
I bet feminists hate pedestrian crossings... What with that red/green man telling them when they can and can't walk.
A school is like a barcode, It's a P.O.S.
A dyslexic person walks into a bar I on the other hand am not dyslexic and am not one to frequent drinking holes. Also I suck at jokes.
What's the definition of Eternity? The time between when I come, and you go.
How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Because he's black
"No, I'm fine." - an angry girlfriend being attacked by lions
I can't come into work today *cough* I'm really sick. "Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?" *hangs up*
I can produce silver just by sniffing. Smelt it with my own nose. **I'll show myself out**
What do you call Dubstep on a Mac? iDropIt
Part of our choir got kidnapped last week! Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today..
Why doesn't snake have balls? Because he would look like a dick.
When asking a girl out it's important to show you respect her. Try writing your number on a Tubman Twenty so she knows your a feminist.
My girlfriend feels she needs 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in her shower & if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor
I just gave my cat a bath. Your move Satan.
I SCREAM YOU SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Boxer briefs Digging my Dick out of boxer briefs, is like clawing gum out of shag carpet.
If you play a NIickelback song backwards you'll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you'll hear NIickelback
How do you make an internet addict wait? I'll tell you later.
What Did Delaware? A brand New Jersey!
Did you guys hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Oe Oe Oe so there's these 2 monkeys bathing one monkey says: oe oe ooooe second monkey says: did you forgot to put some cold water in?
Subway must have introduced a new Genius feature, because they just suggested I might like a drink with my sandwich. I do. Nailed it.
What do you call a prostitute with her hands down her skirt? Self employed
I dont make typos. I make new words.
Which is more threatening? A big sword or a small sword? The small sword - it's a little rapier
I hate tacos Said no Juan ever
There's a really annoying moth in my room. It's been on my Silence of the Lambs poster for ages now.
What did the Secret Service agent say to the President-elect when someone tried to take a shot at him? Donald, Duck!
I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.
How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?  If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
Life on earth is expensive, but it does include an annual free trip around the sun
How does a man who has just had his legs cut off at the ankles feel? Defeated
"Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them." - Archeologist who discovers the Internet
Luis Suarez has confessed he had planned on biting Wayne Rooney. However,he also said he doesn't like the taste of shit.
Doctor! Doctor! I think I have Barry Manilow's disease! "What are your symptoms?" "I can't laugh and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything!"
It really doesn't matter what the tattoo across your collar bone says. All I see is "My Dad Never Went To My Little League Games Sober."
I was going to tell a gay joke... Butt fuck it.
On a scale of 1 to Canadian bacon, how sad were you when you found out Hamlet wasn't a story about a tiny, baby ham?
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Hello Jack.
What do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night and see your TV floating in the air? You shout, "Drop it, Nigga!"
"Yo man, what's shakin'?" Nepal
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
I'm not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I'll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I haven't watched porn since last year The past 6 hours has been tough
I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital... They told me that case was sensitive.
Not wearing condoms because the world needs more people like you.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's  That's because she changes it more often.
How many times does 1 go into 0? As Many Times As It Wants!
How did the mathematician deal with his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil
"Jesus take the wheel!" I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
A young lady walks into a bar... She was protected by a rubber Bump*her*
Me: goodnight moon Moon: It's 6pm Me: I know but I'm tired Moon: I literally just got here
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.
What do you call a?... What do you call potato who's high? A. A baked potato What do call a wizard who doesn't have enough minions? A. Short staffed Ps. This is my first post, be gentle with me.
There was life on mars. Was. It was a cat. Then Curiosity killed it.
It's just not sanitary to let people get under your skin.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
My daughter told me I'm "slightly prettier than Ben Franklin," so I have that going for me.
I like to push the "stop time" button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit* good luck shaking the police off loser *sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My TV makes me wonder what song Samsung.
Just witnessed the shortest ever dispute in court about a guy who supposedly stole a woman's bag. It was a briefcase.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? No-one: feminists don't change anything.
My son has just earned his first boy scout award for 'video gaming'. I guess the next ones will be for 'social ineptitude' & 'pale skin'.
I miss the old days Nostalgia was better back then.
you stole my electron atom 1: you stole my electron. atom 2: sure? atom 1: positive!
What are a gorilla's favorite months? Ape-ril and Bananuary
We should stop making fun of fat people They have too much on their plate already
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
NO MORE READING! Yesterday I was reading this article in the newspaper about all the danger of alcohol. It scared the crap out of me!!! So that's it - from this day forward, NO MORE READING!
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash
That hot person you've been flirting with over the internet has one normal arm and one shrivelled T. rex arm.
I have a job offer for you, and I will pay you huge sums for it. All you have to do is tie up my poop I shit, you knot
What's the difference between a black man and Batman? Batman can go into a store without Robin.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your whole week.
I think we need to stop having such a bad reaction to the fine bros... We may get sued.
How do you stick things together like Fred Flinstone? You add a dab of glue.
On a scale of 1 to fucked, how fucked is FIFA? FIFucked.
The #1 rule of being a successful shirt: Always Be Clothing.
Yo momma so fat that after sex she smokes a whole pig.
What is the closest thing similar to a woman having a period? Your salary. It also comes once a month, and lasts about 5 days. And if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? **R** systems have detected a breach of copyright coming from your home address.
Q: How does a horny guy spell  relief? A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
LF : Clean-ish jokes Need new jokes that aren't dark so I don't scare away the girl I like. Engineering and soccer ones are pluses. Thanks for the help.
I had to fire my carpenter Turns out he was a mahoganist.
My first joke ever... Seriously Why did the chick cross the road? To get to the cock!
The World of Vegetables by Artie Choak
With Trump and Hillary being the candidates, I think we know who will win... Dave.
Twitter should allow you to select the font your tweets appear in; thus giving me yet another thing to judge you by.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
3: *throws plate in sink Me: but you barely ate! 3: yeah, I'm full...what are you eating? Me: the same thing you had 3: can I have a bite?
I don't trust left handed people. there is something not right about them.
During a routine physical the Doctor said, "You've got to stop masturbating." "Why?" asked the patient. "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
That old man reminds me of your puppy... They're both probably going to die within 20 years.
I could tell you a joke about Bill Murray in Japan; it would be lost in translation.
What is the only olympic sport that mexicans can compete in? Bordercross
Knock-Knock Joke given to me by a Star Wars fan Knock Knock Who's There? Metaphors Metaphors who? Metaphors be with you
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren't allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I'm confused. What's leftover alcohol?
What's a Hitler Youth's favorite video game? Meincraft
What did the African eat for breakfast? Ebola cereal. (A bowl of)
I bought a dvd of tiger woods best 18 holes... I was pretty upset it was all golfing.
I used to be a gynecologist... But after I started shaking, they wouldn't stop following me home.
What's the Incredible Hulk's favorite food? Smashed potatoes.
In other words, 2 percent of household germs kinda like Lysol spray
How can you make your d bigger? CAPS LOCK
One group of people still can't get married in the US Ugly people
Body scans and genital fondlings would save more lives if our Government was paying to have them done in hospitals rather than airports.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean"
Damn, you are so savage... Andrew Jackson made you walk the Trail of Tears!
Now that we have finally started to accept LGBT people inour society... ...I think Iowans will soon follow
Why does Kim Jong Un love books? Because he is the Supreme Reader.
What's worse than having 10 dead babies stapled to one tree? 1 dead baby stapled to 10 trees.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said 'its up in the air'. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn't be in this mess
What does a Japanese man experience when he marries a Jewish woman? marital bris
What do you call a shy hamburger restaurant? MeekDonalds
Somewhere, someplace, there's a hole in the world & inside it there's a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can't find.
Why shouldn't you make abortion jokes? It's always too soon.
Why couldn't the founding fathers ever get a date? They were revolting
Martin Luther King Day White's Sale.
A musician was arrested... He's in treble.
Girls giving blowjobs for Louboutins - Whatcha call that? Head over heels.
I like my pork butts like I like my women Slathered in BBQ sauce, stuffed in a pot, and then cut up when the lid doesn't fit right.
getting a teardrop tattoo for every leaf i've accidentally stepped on
Pedophiles They're fucking immature assholes.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If he buys your drink, but you're really not interested? Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down? Anubis (If you don't get it, say it slower.)
What is Macaulay Culkin's favorite cheese? Provolone
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Did you hear that Jesus was a bit of a drunk? One time He got so hammered that He fell asleep in a cave for three days before He woke up. (heard in church today) :-) Happy Easter!
Know why the whole thing with hitler and the Jews happens Because he asked for a glass of juice but everyone thought he said gas the Jews.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Iron Man is a superhero, Iron Woman is a command. ALL credit goes to /u/eternityinspace had to share it!
Why can you trust noone in the savannah? Cause they be lion.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.
Cop: Know why I stopped u? "Cuz im going too fast?" Cop: Yes, slow down. "But it's been 6 months-" Cop: U can't move in with her yet.
Did you know Brian Welch, the former drummer of Korn opened up an Orphanage in India? ...and you should have seen the look on those little orphans' faces when they heard korn was coming!
How many 'friend-zoned' guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
I worked a 10-hour day today... Sounds impressive to non-programmers who don't know binary.
Hooking a clock on your belt It would just be a waist of time.
What's an Asian's favorite time to go to the dentist? tooth-hurty
What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him? Get off me homes!
What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him? Get off me homes.
I'm convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Hey reddit, ever hear the one about no and me neither? Me neither.
How bout I hold a toaster over you while you're in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn't make me drop it.
Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seat belts to encourage safer driving habits.
Did you know the Packers were Trump supporters? Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
Did you see Matt Damon's character in Invictus? That's apartheid like to play.
Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.
What do you call an Egyptian butt? A sphinxter
Did you hear about the guy that used ivory butt plugs? He suffered from elephant-tight-ass.
Don't necessarily nominate me for sainthood, but I just gave a VERY ugly woman directions.
I inherited my chronic diarrhea from my parents It runs in the Genes
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
"What did you do?" "Genocide. You?" "I shared a 10 Funniest Autocorrect FAILS on Facebook." - Conversations in Hell
This is naut, ok? If America has 'astronauts' and Russia has 'cosmonauts', does Denmark have 'deeznauts'?
What is the first symptom of AIDS? Pounding in the anus
Watermelons and Catcuses There are two watermelons and two cacti. One cactus says to the other "Damn look at those melons!" The Watermelons reply "Wow they're such pricks."
I have sex with my girlfriend and her twin. How do I tell them apart? Her brother has a moustache.
My girlfriend is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type.
I was walking down the street one day when I heard someone playing Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia on the didgeridoo. That's Abba-rigonal
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? [NSFW] Cuntswaylo
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Hear about the farmer that stepped on a rake? He had two acres.
Just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
What is an Italian with Alzheimer's favorite espresso drink? Affogato!
What does Batman have in his lemonade? Just ice.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out... I say bought I actually stole it off a short fat, ginger kid
why does the official Reddit app aways crash? Unfortunately Reddit has stopped working, would you like to report the issue?
What do you call a morbidly obese person who can predict the future? A four-chin teller.
I'm trying to tell fewer dick jokes But it's really hard
My roommate confronted me yesterday... Do you think I'm a nosy bastard? No! Of course not! Then why did you write that in your diary!
Who did the ghost invite to his party?  Anyone he could dig up.
What does 80 year old pussy smell like? Depends
Why did the hipster go to the gynecologist? To get a Pabst smear.
Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: You're on your own, Idiot.
Can you be electrocuted by a news story? The answer may shock you.
What do men who receive compressed porn files do when they are alone? They unzip.
I used my rosary as a whip today... Call me Indiana Joan of Arc
What should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.
When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I'll take one of each variety.
Saw an ISIS poster yesterday It read "Sign up for ISIS today! Receive free jacket and blowjob!"
'My boobs fall to the side when I lay down' is the new 'my boobs are real.'
Mayweather remains unbeaten Unlike his ex-girlfriends.
Has anybody seen my keys? theyre awesome.
Happy New year America! from your friend Australia. Don't worry I expect it'll take about 18 or so hours for you to get this.
What do you rate Megan Fox out of 10? Friend: 9 Me: 9? I'll give her one.. *wink*
Reddit front page is so slow that it's showing posts from 30 years ago.
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it's from.
The hot blonde walked up to the bartender and asked for a double entendre... The bartender gave it to her.
At what time do most people go to the dentist? At tooth-hurty (2:30).
Star Wars Episode 7? What's next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I'll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that's me.
Two cows are sitting in a bath tub. One asks, "Hey can you pass the soap?" The other replies, "No soap, radio"
After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds. Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.
Hot Air Balloons are like Marijuana... The more you blaze it, the higher you become.
Reddit's telling me not to spoil the Star Wars movie for anyone... ... too bad my fantasies were already spoiled when Disney bought the rights.
5,"So we don't get to open any presents today?" Me, "No." 5, "So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet. Number 2 will shock them.
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
My girlfriend said "Give me 10 inches and make it hurt!" So I stabbed her with a ruler.
What's not there when you get into an argument, but there when you lose the argument? The door.
Who rode a dog and was a confederate general  during the American Civil War ? Robert E Flea !
Two law students walk into a bar. They both failed.
What would be the most useless superpower? How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.
What's better than roses on your piano Tulips on your organ
What's worse than giving Willie Nelson a blow job? Finding out it's not Willie Nelson
"I like the way you move!" -Jealous inanimate object
Q: What's brown, red, black and blue? A: A Brunette who's been tellin one too many blonde jokes.
I told my mom that the CIA was going to keep Osama Bin Laden's porn collection away from the public. She said, "Who cares? It's probably just full of camels, anyway."
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her. I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
What kind of money does Mario use? 8-bitcoins
I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:   
Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby. Me: Ridiculous! O: The pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Woman stands on top of the bridge Ready to jump. An unwashed, disgusting hobo approaches her, saying "Hey, chick, wanna fuck?" She lookis at him with digust "No." "OK, I will just wait below."
Can a ninja kill you from 20ft away? Sure he can.
Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and want to hug them. I know life is tough for the visually impaired.
Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.
Why did the alcoholic chop off the little boy's legs? He wanted his *Kidneys*.
Air and sex Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Drink to remember. Drink to forget. Tweet while drinking, Wake up with regret.
I really showed that Rubik's Cube who's unemployed.
I was watching the men's hockey at the commonwealth games today, I was thinking it must be a very dangerous game to play, I mean half the Indian team were running around with bandages on their heads
What does a near sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? Wet noses
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it! (Not sure of the spelling, heard it from someone).
I just changed my Facebook password to '14 days' but it said it was Too weak
Drugs and alcohol aren't the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Why did all the sea monsters refer to the kraken as a whore when he died? Because he died choking on a bunch of seamen.
I accidentally typed "abeer" instead of "a beer" and iPhone transformed it to "cobbler"--Anyway, drunk on cobbler.
What will Gene Wilder's last will and testament will say? YOU GET NOTHING! Yeah I'm going to hell.
How do mountainers send messages? By ski-mail.
Two fish were in a tank. One says, you man the main cannon, I'll drive.
Thanks, student loans, for getting me through school I don't think I could ever repay you
So, Apparently 'Human Centipede' Is Getting ANOTHER Sequel. 'Human Turducken'
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift
Who is a bodybuilder's favourite painter? [Gainsborough](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Gainsborough) ^Pronounced ^"Gainz, ^brah"
My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk, "Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."
I was feeling depressed, so I drank some brandy and went to the gym That really lifted my spirits
So I went to the doctor for my annual prostate exam today.... I asked the doctor "Where I should put my pants?" He replied "Over there next to mine."
Count Dracula survived on the blood of 18 year old virgins for Millennia... He died last year.
Deleting cookies from my browser history is fine but I'd rather delete cookies from my eating history.
Three tampon's walking down the street... Which one says "Hi"? None, they are all stuck up cunts.
And the King of puns said It's going to be another reigny day
[Juice Bar] (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir" *hyenas laugh*
Boss: Lunch meeting, let's go. Me: Do I have to? Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol. Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."
Mathematically speaking, 9/11 was quite rational
If I was a funeral director, I'd tell everyone "I'll see you later" & then wink, because it's fun to freak people out.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Cats are like rapists My cat is a lot like a rapist. He has no concept of the words "Stop" and "No!"
I used that classic Liam Neeson line from "Taken" today.. "I will find you, and I will kill you." My niece didn't want to play hide and seek anymore.
If a person becomes a murderer they go to jail If a cop becomes a murderer they get paid vacation.
Why do butter substitutes have such a hard time? Because they're always being marginalized!
I was going to yell "Surprise!" but missed the opportunity, now I'm stuck standing behind a curtain wondering when this becomes stalking.
I like to watch fat people walk while a tuba plays in my mind.
Just checked into hotel in Miami. They have a separate pool for redheaded people. I thought we were past this.
What do you call a jockey that doesn't get blowjobs? A headless horseman!
"I hope they bought enough beer so they won't notice how much I'm drinking" -My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
What makes a pun, fun? Add an h.
"Are there drug dealers on Twitter?" Asking for 522 friends.
TIL that I'm dyslexic. Whoops, wrong bus.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Man I hate shower sex... Its hot, crowded, and i can never fit my junk into the faucet.
Pulled this one on my son today. Son: Dad, today is palm Sunday. Me (Dad): Gimme some palm. *receives high five* Son: *not entertained*
Sorry for letting the air out of one of your tires, delivery guy, but based on the way you cut my pizza, I assumed you liked things uneven.
Why can't you trust a person with two butts? Because they're bi-assed.
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a bridge. What's come over you? Oh two cars a large truck and a coach.
Just so you know, people who don't give a fuck don't talk about how much they don't give a fuck all the fucking time.
What is a necrophiliac's safe word? I'm alive.
What Did The Time Traveler Do After He After He Ate Too Much? He Went Back Four Seconds.
I think my life is a Saturday Night Live sketch. It began with promise, but now it's going nowhere and the last half sucks.
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor ? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go !
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
A cabbage and a carrot get into a race, who wins? The cabbage, it's a head
Just like Jesus I can walk on water, if it's cold enough.
What's the main ingredient in a Jedi martini? Qui-Gon Gin
*Hits Rock Bottom* Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? "Nah" *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it
Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room...Oh God. This isn't even a joke anymore. Help
How do you bury a pothead? Coughin'
That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair? No mate, sounds shit.
Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having...
I wish I was Jewish Every time somebody farted I could say: "Are you a Nazi? Because you just gassed a Jew."
My mother picked up an Oreo but dropped it... My father looks and her and says, "too bad you have butter fingers when you want an Oreo."
What type of Martial Arts does Jesus know? Jiu Jitsu.
You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
*hears noise downstairs *wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
What did one snowman say to the other? "Can you smell carrots?"
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I've been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
There are two types of people in this world: Those that CAN gather information from incomplete data
I always feel like I'm wasting a text message whenever I respond with just "K." Now I write "Potassium" instead.
What is the most effective way of cleaning a cum stain? Baby wipes
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted! ~~I'm sorry~~
Google... qrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5
Why did the prostitute get a vagina implanted in her hip? She wanted to make some money on the side.
Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one but he'll tell everybody.
Why did the witch go commando? She needed some better grip on her broomstick.
What was Carl Sagan's favorite drink? Cosmos.
What's the difference between a gay and a microwave.... You can't brown a sausage in a microwave
What's the difference between a civilian camp and an ISIS base? I don't know I just fly the drones
How do you escape a fascist authoritarian regime? By getting aboard (a) voat
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
What do you call a robot that doesn't support his children? Nuts and bolts
what are some of your favorite play-on-name jokes? i don't really have any favorites, just looking to hear some... like what do you call a guy with a shovel? doug.
I don't like my financial adviser. He put the "douche" in Fiduciary
Names that when read out loud sound dirty Hue Janis Hue Jazz Dixie Normous Jack Mehoff Mike Hawk Phil Mahooters Philip Mabung
A begger walks up to me... And asks, "do you have a few extra dollars I can have?" I said, "I have a few dollars, but they aren't extra."
What do you call Triple H practicing for a WWE match? Preparation H
Bae: come over. Me: I'm doing the podcast. Bae: come over. Me: nah, I'm doin the podcast. Bae: my parents are out. Me: they can download it.
How did Hellen Keller break her arms when she fell down a well? She was shouting for help.
I'd like to give a shout out to the sidewalk.... for keeping me off the streets.
Without Women A world without women would be a pain in the ass.
What do you call the stage a ladybug goes through before it becomes an adult? Pupa-ty. ^^**ba-dum* ^^*psh**
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to "make God laugh"? You wouldn't order a dead carpenter to "make God some bookshelves."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, you're probably one of them.
Loved Inception. It took me to exotic places I could never visit in real life, like the first class cabin of an airplane.
Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry gave you a tan.
If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.
Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam? I cant jelly my dick in your mouth
Dear grapefruit, putting the name of a better fruit in your name doesn't change the fact that you taste like a lemon's butthole.
What do you call a round knight? Sir Cumference
There are 3 types of people in this world. 1. People who are good in math. 2. People who aren't good in math.
Why did Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"? Because black people don't have rights.
What do you call a dwarf psychic who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and he redistributes all of the drinks until everyone has the same amount of alcohol ...
My sister is moaning and screaming because she's sick. Good thing that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.
Maybe I'm the good kind of fat like an avocado.
How many Liberals does it take to change a lightbulb? Liberals: Changing the bulb is too extreme. Let's fix the current one in the dark.
Q: What do you call the Association of Blood Donors? A: The IV League.
What happened when the schoool bully went netsurfing? The goalkeeper kicked him out of the football ground.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too! HERMIT CRAB: i do. where'd you find yours? T: i was born with it HC: *scoff* ok princess
Know how to get a lot of head? Give Michael J. Fox a pitcher of beer
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent.
TIFU by downloading different captions Whoops, wrong sub.
what does one rock use to propose to another rock? A bouldering. (Sorry guys ive been indoor rock climbing lately)
How do you confused people in the 90s? Tell them "In 2016, we will be able to refer to someone as "Sir and/or Ma'am" And still be assuming someone's gender."
My doctor told me I need to stop masturbating I asked why, he said something about examining me. Lets see what you got Reddit. Keep the title and change the punchline.
A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who's winning cause he's eaten most of his tiles.
Why was the dictionary on the top shelf more expensive than the one on the bottom... Because it was a higher definition
What famous hotel chain do muslims prefer when travelling on religious holidays? Ramadamadan.
Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite? He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Why isn't Luke on the poster for The Force Awakens? He's a bit Shywalker. I'm so, so sorry everyone.
What is the fastest insect in the World? "Lice" Why? ... Because it is latching on a running Cheetah.
My grandfather had a stroke this week.. He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
Kids, in my day we didn't have text messaging. We had to write a "Do you like me: Yes or no?" note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
What do you call a dirty Jew? Alive.
What's the most annoying thing about making cheese? The curds get in the whey!
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It's for birth control. Me: I didn't even know an arm could get pregnant.
Where do Star Trek fans work out? At the He's Dead Gym.
If your wife says "take out the trash" do not reply with "you cooked it you take it out."
"Alcohol doesn't affect me" *Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*
What do black people and dividing by zero have in common? They don't work.
What's the difference between a bull and a band?
I have an irrational fear that I'm accidentally making up words. I don't want to be misunderstandable.
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW SON YOU WEREN'T THERE!!
What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ? 9GAG
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
What's Black and White and Red all over? The Zebra I just shot dead.
Whats the difference between a black guy and a snow tire? A snow tire doesnt sing when you put chains on it.
Knock knock Who's there? Bill bill Bill Bill. Worst fucking joke ever
Ever heard of the undertaker who accidentally dug another body? He made a grave mistake.
How many tickles does it take to pleasure an anime character? Ten.
What was 2016? The best joke I've ever heard!
I asked my English friend what his favourite summer accessory is. He said, "Clouds."
What's the difference between England and a cup of tea? The teabag stays in the cup longer.
OK I made a new one! How do Mexicans warm their houses in the winter months? Central Fajiting.
What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me something smells.
How do you spell "Pringles" in Spanish? Pringles
What's the difference between a blimp and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's an awesome year.
My mom says I procrastinate... But I'll deal with that later
I've been making a list of reasons to move to Switzerland... the flag is big plus.
I've started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and "accidentally" dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
Say what you want about Russian Athletes But their training regimen is pretty dope
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
One thing I've learned about pizza jokes... It's all in the delivery.
*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask* *dies instantly, but with a touch of class*
I met this amazing girl last night but got off on the wrong foot. She wanted it on her left foot. I can't help that I have horrible aim.
I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder
Guys we should stop saying these Mexican jokes... (To be said after few Mexican jokes) We're crossing the border
What does a man with a foot long cock eat for breakfast? Well, this morning I had a hard boiled egg.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he'd go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Great weight loss tip: Become an astronaut.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It's called science. Maybe you'd know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Who was the best player on the Seahawks last night? The Broncos' center
good morning class *farts* today we'll *farts* be learning *farts* abou *farts* oh god *farts* call an ambula *farts* it hurts so much *fa
My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up. So I just packed my bags and right.
Sorry, science, but religion promised me a place where I'll get to hang out with Grandma again.
[At Wedding] Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife? Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND Priest: TOO LATE. YOU'RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
The man who kept describing things as "Smooth as a pig's butt" has apparently had different life experiences than me.
How is Donald Trump going to improve American produce? He is going to make American grapes again.
The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
How do Ghosts get Drunk? Booze.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cat ! Cat who ? Cat you understand !
I almost took a bite of my friend's sandwich Woops, wrong sub.
My girlfriend can only count out loud up to five. She thinks oral six is going too far
What Australian city has the most cats? Purrth.
*comes back with wife's purse* w: I said don't run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled? m:[bleeding] Twice
Did you hear about the two antennae who got married? The wedding was okay, but the reception was GREAT
Why are religious people afraid of Trigonometry? Cos they are afraid of Sin
What do you call a website that steals all of Reddit's Hitler jokes? Nein Gag.
Get off the goddamn Twitter, go out & live your life! I'll be here when you get back
If we are not if we are not meant to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the fridge ?
Why can't you feel photons? Because they are light.
What do you call an Irish snake in Lord of the Rings? Legolas
I find giving things a thumbs down is a very negative response. I choose to be positive and give things the middle finger up.
I'm sorry I punched you in the face when you said "I love you". Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Why is it called 'Your Bowels' and not 'Your Instinks'
Which dinosaur walks with a limp? a Myfeetasaur
Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags? Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
What does Harry Potter do when he gets Ginny Pregnant? Cast Fetus Deletus.
What's the difference between a feminist and a vacuum cleaner? They both suck, but the vacuum has a handle on it.
If you're behind someone at an ATM, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Why did the armadillo cross the road? It didn't, it made it halfway and then got hit by a truck.
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You don't look like you could take a joke.
Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into  a lake? To a weterinarian!
There were zwei peanuts walking down the strae... ... and one was a salted... peanut.
What does MSG stand for? Mandarin Service Guaranteed.
Why Didn't the Jew Score Another Date with the Asian Girl? Hebrew it.
What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Tellings your parents you're gay.
Why has Ten been flirting with Seven? Because she heard that Seven eight Nine's pussy.
I just bought a used time machine on craigslist. They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore.
I have had sex with so many other men this week I can't keep em all straight
How do you spot an attention whore on reddit? [-]
what is donald trump's favourite party game? JINGO!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why don't parrot's like black people? Because Polly wants a cracker.
It only takes 3 inches to please a woman. And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.
How could you tell that the figure skater was a mathematician? Because of the Fibonacci sequins.
Waiter there's a fly in my soup ! Yes it's the rotting meat that attracts them !
My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological... She was a psycho and I was totally logical.
Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany... but they still called him Herr Jordan.
The Middle Ages Queen: Babe come to bed its late. King: Not until I can come up with a cool name for my soldiers! Queen: k night. King: holy shit you're a genius!
What's three feet long and keeps a twat warm? Donald Trump's scarf.
A blind man walks into a bar and a chair, then a table...
What did the shirt say to the pants? What's up, britches.
What food describes most men? Jerky.
Three blondes walk into a building.... You'd think that one of them might have saw [seen] it.
What does a neckbeard call his imaginary girlfriend and his disease? Ma'lady
*addresses the elephant in the room* *puts a stamp on the elephant in the room* "My pen pal is gonna love this."
I was walking past the supermarket when I saw a sign saying, "All items: a third off." I bought a dozen eggs but unfortunately 4 of them were bad.
It's a bird! It's a plane- -OH SHIT A PLANE IS COMING TOWARDS THE BUILDING
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks? So that they can see the battle.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented "that sounds delicious".
The guy I've been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don't own any animals.
Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Spanish. Press 3 for Spanglish with Adam Sandler. Press 4 for Gibberish with Flava Fav. Press # for ham.
I want to be the reason you pee in six different directions every morning.
Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
Police now use an iPhone app that scans irises to ID suspects. It replaces their previous method: scanning for dark skin
People drive too slow in the fog... I'm just over here not hitting anything. Not even my brakes.
Drummers always have such lame jokes... I've heard them all like a Zildjian times.
I like my women like I like my rice.... ....Hot, white, and lifeless.
Who may become a Prime Minister? Theresa may.
Yo mama rouchy the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
How do you find an alive baby in a pile of dead babies? With a pitchfork!
What do buzzards in Kansas eat? Carrion, my wayward son.
How do you know if someone is using recursion?
A man was at a HIV volunteer center... ...to give a motivational talk to the patients He told them they need to stay positive. Not surprise he got kicked out shortly after
I've given up masturbation for a week I'm just not feeling myself anymore.
Did you hear about the circumcision Rabbi's wallet? When you rub it for a few minutes, it becomes a suitcase.
My wife asked me to stop singing Oasis songs. I said maybe.
Jimmy was eating ice cream but dropped it as he crossed the street. Why? He was hit by a bus.
"You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something." Good idea, Oscar. What'd you have in mind?
The hurricane coming in is called Joaquin. When it leaves, does it Joaqout?
Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos
Hi-Fi, Mid-Fi and Low-Fi Stereotypes
Olympic wrestling is the only time there is a "Clean and Jerk"... in every other case, it's the other way round.
A bold move... **move**
Where do you take a sick horse? To the Horspital!
2 things I hate; 1)Hypocrites 2)and people who don't finish anyth
What's better than a rose on a piano? Tulips on an organ. Edit: accidentally a letter.
I think Lance Armstrong is missing a huge opportunity by not endorsing Uni-ball pens.
How many 3rd wave feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Whats the point? 3rd wave feminists can't take a joke anyway.
What do you call the entrance you come through from hell to get into heaven? The Glory Hole
If I could be any enzyme It would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.
Why did Jared lose so much weight? He always went for the 6 instead of the 12
John 10:26 Holy shit I gotta get up for work!
What do you call a promiscuous girl in special ed? A tater thot
What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be? A 'Miley Cyprus'. Dear god, shoot me.
jokes jokes What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend? 45 minutes
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month? Me: The package said "Take on an empty stomach" so, not yet.
i don't think i can go back to a white president
What is the name of that casino on the beach? Pair-a-dice.
[First date & I'm super nervous] Her: Are you ok? Me: yesh. Her: did u just say yesh? Me: um Nosh.
What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up
(after bedtime) 3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM! Me: go to sleep. 3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN'T HEAR YOU M: yes you can 3:NO I CAN'T
Sodium and Hydrogen should be friends. NaH, sounds like a bad idea
I like my women like I like my whiskey... ....15 years old and mixed up with coke.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together..... I shit you knot."
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee's you're buying it off of sure can.
Apple So Apple was making a new touchscreen for kids , it didn't go well because of the name , iTouch Kids
What did Darth Vader say to Luke on his birthday? I know what you're going to get, I felt your presents
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Mother Banana: Why didn't you go to school today? Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.
What's a boxer's favorite part of a joke? The punchline
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing at all... you already told her twice
I believe it was Alexander Graham Bell that once said... How did you get this number?
What does a mathematician do about constipation? Sits down and works it out with a pencil.
Do you know why there are so many great bakeries in Germany? They had to do *something* with all of the ovens.
There are three rings that come with every marriage... First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and lastly the suffering.
What do you call a striped bra? A zebra.
I was playing football with some SJWs. They found my playing strategy highly offensive.
Why Gordon Ramsey hates WWE Because it's f*cking RAW
From what I've seen 3d printers print more than d d d.
The one place you don't want to move to ...is any place with a thriving funeral buisness
Flo: Try some of my sponge cake. Joe: It's a bit tough. Flo: That's strange. I only bought the sponge from the chemist this morning.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
At the beach, women wearing a bikini exspose 90% of their body. But I'm a gentleman, and only look at the remaining 10%
What's better than swinging a dead baby around a tether pole? ... ... stopping it with a shovel
How do you know a shirt has phoned you? Collar ID
Why is your mom like a vacuum? She sucks, blows, and gets laid in the closet. Not to mention she also gets turned on by your dad
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil and paper.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I saw a black guy running down the street And he was carrying a TV. For a second I thought, *"hey, that looks like mine!"* but then I realized mine wears Adidas.
What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.
Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.
- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds? - 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?
What you called a fat Chinese man? Chunk
doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat] dad: [opens one eye]
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Has anybody ever seen the Grapefruit technique video? I heard it was directed by Phil Atio.
Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.
I set my Tinder location to Flint, Michigan. Those girls are probably hella thirsty...
How do you make holy water? Fill a pot with water and boil the hell out of it.
Where do you go to get fresh complaints? The whinery.
I'm just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.
1 out of 4 suffer from a mental illness Does this mean that the other 3 *enjoy* it?
What do you call a constipated German? far-from-poopin
Watching a Sarah McLachlan concert on TV on a Saturday night. It's funny, this wasn't on my bucket list yet I feel so close to actual death.
What happens to a desert-dwellers main transportation when it has been parked in one spot for too long? It gets Camel-Towed.
Girl: AH COO!! Man: Bless you. Girl: AH COO!! Man: Squared
What does a perverted frog say ? Rubbit
What do you call a dwarf with a birth defect, is broke and can't drink milk? Lack toes and tall or rent
Why did the Russians lose the space race? Their rocket kept Stalin!
Why does the farmer hate his job? because he has a deep-seeded hatred for planting.
How do you make a handkerchief dance? ....put a little boogie in it. :| I'm sorry.
Anyone else hear the new Whitney Houston song they just released? No? Well it's very underground right now.
Where do Floridians wash their clothes? In Fort Launderdale.
Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I'm going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.
Some say I'm condescending It means I talk down to people.
Manchester United
How do you get a little old lady to yell the F word? Get another little old lady to yell "Bingo!"
Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
What do you call unpredictable nudity? Erratica.
How much electricity is in the ground? 1 Terrahertz
Getting up Is only the second hardest thing in the morning.
I once stayed up all night wondering where the sun went then it dawned on me.
My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights... You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say: "Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"
If you're afraid of elevators Take steps to avoid them.
Mistakes married women make: 1. Assuming he heard you. 2. Assuming he understood you. 3. Assuming he'll remember. 4. Marrying a man.
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?" Defendent: "Gucci Sweats and Sum Jordan's"
Yo mama is so slutty.... I saw her on a box of wheaties with her legs wide open, saying breakfast for champs.
*doctor moonwalks into office* "Your test results are back Mr Johnson. You tested positive for BEING FABULOUS!!" *Mr Johnson does the robot*
What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel? One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different
My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex... I was bloody and sore by the end, but at least my dad came Repost from r/darkhumour
What was Jeremy Clarkson on during Top Gear? SPEEEED!
Waitress dad jokes When waitress comes to the table ask if she takes orders ,"to go"? If she says yes respond with, "Great! Get your purse we're leaving."
What's blue and fucks old people? Me in my lucky blue coat.
Daylight robbery... I got robbed today at Shell gas station. I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it. I said, "Yeah, pump 6."
Usian Bolt's favourite country? I-ran ;)
What's ISIS's favorite Country Band? Allahbama
how to you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? you wave at her.
What kind of STD does a blonde woman give you? Herp-n-derp-es
If Hillary is elected..... will she only make 70% of what Obama makes?
What does a black man do after sex? Wipes away the pepper spray and 25 to life.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar The bartender says "get out, we don't serve breakfast here"
There are only two types of people I hate in this world... Racists and black people.
I found a tumor at Bingo last night. It's okay. It was B9.
Why is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson always so sad? Everyone takes him for granite.
Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.
[NSFW] The worst part about kissing my wife after a blowjob... Is wondering if she can taste the other guy's dick.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I bumped into my old English teacher. He said, "What's new?" I said, "It's an adjective."
If you're Russian when you're running to the bathroom, and Finnish when you're leaving, what are you in between? European!
Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.
Why do aliens always disembark via ramp? Do they have problems with stairs? Or are flying saucers just handicap-accessible?
Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago He's never looked back
"so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?" [over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Thought I saw Donald Trump but it was just a pile of distressed leather with a raccoon napping on top of it.
I have ADHD How do I upgrade to AD4K?
About what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish
What do you call an oyster who can't find another job? A clamboni driver!
What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common? They both swallow seamen.
If your lawyer has a ponytail you're going to prison.
What was Hitler's favourite song? Knocking on ovens door
What's the best machine to impress women at the gym? The ATM
What do you call an interracial dwarf actor? A half cast
eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
Even the coffee is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Wait...am I being poisoned? *drinks it anyway*
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he's got only his shelf to blame.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you've sighed six or seven times.
I didn't fart, I flirted. That was a flirt! *runs away flirting*
What did the stamp say to the envelope? "I've become attached to you."
I didn't get my period this month or any month prior to that. If I'm pregnant my parents will flip. Also science, science will also flip.
What runs well and efficiently except when you need it to? The Seattle Seahawks
WTF!!!!!!!!!!! A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
What's the difference between a Dutch comedian and a piece of steel pipe? One is a silly Hollander, the other is a hollow cylinder.
Two fish in a tank One turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?" Repost from a comment on /r/askreddit
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant... ...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Exclamation point rules ! - good !! - excited !!! - awesome !!!! - starting to get creepy !!!!! - cheerleader creepy !!!!!! - own 20 cats
So I saw a black man out on the street carrying a TV and thought, "Hey, that looks just like mine..", But then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.
I was walking down the street in New York yesterday, when a black guy asked me if the Yankees won... I replied, "Yeah man, you're free."
Did you hear about the shooting at the Kanye West concert? It was awful, they missed...
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.
What's the difference between a hook and a hooker? You can unscrew a hook, but you can't unscrew a hooker
when i die use my ashes to fill souvenir snowglobes to mimic the death rain of the apocalypse pouring down on a vacant cityscape. very metal
If you are Russian when you go in the bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European (your a peeing)
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
I have this great joke about the Jonestown massacre but it's difficult to tell The punch line is sooo long. Edit:typo
What's missing from star wars 7? Maybe [SPOILER] Nobody's limbs.
when i die i want my kids to carry my casket. So they can let me down one more time.
What kind of boxes do gay boxes like? Male Boxes.
What does a mermaid wear to math class? An "algebra"
Me: *Asks question on snapchat* Them: *Answers question on snapchat* Me: "Wait, what did I ask again?"
So she was like, "Put on some protection". I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? "DAM!"
A vinter had twin ginger daughters. He named the first Rosay and the second Rose bee.
A bird in the hand is worth two... Years in prison if you get caught doing it in public.
IF YOU LIKE THAT FACEBOOK STATUS SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT?!
How many kids does a sterile German have? Nein.
"I can't believe it's not butter!" could be a disappointed statement as well. I'd like the context before I buy.
If you woke up naked in the woods with a condom up your ass would you tell anyone? No?.. Wanna go camping?
People consider me as God Santa : People consider me as a "GOD". Banta : How do you know?? Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,"Oh GOD ! U have came again".
Why didn't the Irishman add another bean? He stopped at 239 because if he added another one it would be 'too farty'. It would've been funnier if I could do an Irish accent.
"Stop complaining about food Maliki, it could be worse. There are girls in America who had their hair ruined by some rain."
I started eating healthier recently. Instead of chicken wings alone I now drink beer with them, thus, preventing coking and prolonging life.
My weird uncle Dale has a job yelling at cars on the side of the highway. It doesn't pay actual money, but it's cool that he's his own boss.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NAAAA
I used to think porn stars got paid alot it turns out they've been getting shafted
Scientists say there are now 4 confirmed states of matter Solid matter Liquid matter Gas matter and most recently... Black Lives matter
ROAR Did you here about the lion joke it will make you ROAR!!!
How can you tell if someone's a Vegan? Don't worry... they'll tell you.
Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was out standing in his field
You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.
Fun Fact: Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act because he thought it would prevent the McCallisters from leaving Kevin home alone again.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
When you're single nobody likes you... when you're in a relationship everybody likes you.
I was going to make a gay joke... ...butt fuck it.
I masturbated so good last night, when I woke up, my dick was making breakfast.
When my wife starts to sing.... When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
[Calls boss] I'm gonna be late... "How late?" *Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego* I've no idea to be honest with you...
I got friend zoned today.... So I asked if she knew what incest was...
What do you call a bird of prey born in the 00's. A millennium falcon.
Meeting your ex IRL is like staring into a black hole There should be something there, but there isn't. And it sucks.
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna
How does Donald Trump rile up his constituency at a rally? "Wall Mart workers of the world, unite!!"
Yesterday it was so hot that my gun started overheating. It was sweating bullets.
Three words to hurt a mans ego? "Is it in?"
A bloke walks into a bar with his gorilla and the barman asks "What drink can I get you?" "Just ice for Harambe"
What's long and hard On a black person? First grade
Why did the console gamer cross the street? To render the other side.
Sausage and bacon in a frying pan. Sausage says to the bacon: "It's pretty hot here." Bacon says: "Oh my god! A talking sausage !!"
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
How did Warren Buffets company survive the economic meltdown? It's a trade secret, but don't worry, Berkshire Hathaway
Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.
Went to the moon for dinner last night Good food No atmosphere
why did the little shoe cry? Because his mommy was a sneaker and his daddy was a loafer with only a penny to his name!
[Hospital front desk] "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-" *wife hits me* "Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? You wave hello!
China Joke So I was walking around the other day and I saw a Chinese guy fall out of a 2nd story window. I ran up and in English yelled, "Are you ok?!?" He replied, "I am fine, thank you, and you?"
Sam sung a song, and PUFF! An apple materialized!
Someday I will disappoint a burglar with my one drawer of Taco Bell mild sauce packets.
Why do parents send their toddlers to the army for daycare? Because they're sending them to the infantry!
Q3: What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? A: Try Sara's Tops
What's the best selling soft drink in Italy? Dr. Pepe
What did the hot dogs name their child? Frank
Divorced barbie Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff
Why do gay men hate Jesus? It took him three days to rise again.
COWORKER: how old is our boss? ME: cut him in half & count the rings CW: doesn't that only work on trees? ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE'S 38
What's the most capable element? Tin, because tin can.
What's the best thing about dating a black girl? You'd never have to meet the father.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero. The other is a command.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.
On a flight I asked the guy behind me if he minded me reclining my seat. He said he did. It really put my back up.
im 100% for equal rights for women! I mean so what they are inferior to men?
Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs? Because only the top 1% can stay above water.
Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.
What's green and smells of pork? Kermit's cock
One of the babies on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey ICU baby, shaking that ass.
They told me I had type "A" blood... turns out it was a typo.
When I'm in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I'm having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in a sinkhole? Quatro Sinco
What's a baby seals' least favourite drink? Canadian Club on the Rocks
No matter how much you love someone, your whole world can change within 5 seconds of watching them run.
What should you call someone with a different color of skin than your own? A hue man.
What's the difference between an angler and a  dunce? One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.
What's blue and fucks grannies Pneumonia....
What did the doctor say when he saw two fetuses being too affectionate in public? "Get a womb, you two."
What's a Yankee? It's a quickie....but you do it yourself
Two redditors walk into a bar
Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.
How do these presidential candidates sleep at night?! With an electorate blanket.
"Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail"
Animals are more careful than human. Here is the reason. http://funnyentry.com/ny-pizza-rat-turns-to-cannibalism/
A redhead tells her blonde friend "I slept with a Brazilian"... The blonde replies, "Oh my god, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
What did the alien say when his flying saucer landed in a stud farm? Take me to your breeder !
My grandpa has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban at the San Diego zoo.
8: I'm scared of monsters under my bed Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear 8: MOM! Wife: ZACK!
What's the difference between Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger? Tom wants his balls illegally deflated on the field and Ben wants that off the field.
With a face like that, I think it's a safe to say, life's been handing Renee Zellweger lemons for quite some time.
A good joke for the engineers out there Free time
Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
your grandma has a pic of you in her house when you were in junior high and not at any other age
What do you call a society governed by men with no testicles? An anorchy... ...I swear, that one KILLED at the urology convention
Why is Reddit called Reddit? Because you've already read it!
My pig stepped on a land mind under a tree... Now I have a porky pine.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the baseball team? She kept running away from the ball
How did Kobe Bryant go on his math test? He didn't pass.
There's no greater waste of time in life than wishing a one-year-old a happy birthday.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it's cause family day never really took off
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!  Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.
[Request] Apocalypse jokes I want as many apocalypse jokes as you can give me. Good, bad, ugly, I'll take any and all of them. Thank you :)
How do you know if you've fallen in love with an apple from France? Your heart goes "pomme pomme ... pomme pomme ..."
A joke I made up from The Revenant Why did Glass gut the horse? He just wanted to fit in.
How does a blonde man get really rich,stupid and a candidate for president ? small loan of 100 million dollars
You know your life sucks when... Your job sucks, Your kids suck, And your wife doesn't.
What did the sheep say when he saw his girlfriend? Baaaaaeeeee!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.
Two drunks come out of a bar... One says to the other: "We gotta go back, I forgot to pee." The other one replies: "No problem, dude, I can teach you how to do it!"
Definition Of A Kiss What Is A Kiss? Answer: Its An Inquiry At The Top Floor Regarding The Vacancy In The Ground Floor.
Weird Al and Vin Diesel should team up with a chip tune band Then they could be Al, Vin &amp; The Chip Monks
Did you hear about that look alike contest in china? Everybody won
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's dick.
A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer? Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Did you hear about that guy named Reginald who often visited his local supermarket? Indeed, he was a **reg**ular customer.
What does trail mix have in common with a nursing home? They're both filled with nuts
Husband-Y r there torn condoms lying on sofa? Wife-What? Where? Wife goes 2 find them & comes back angrily saying-Will you stop calling our children "Torn condoms"?
I tried to join the local hide and seek club today But I couldn't find them
You can't choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I fucking hate cheap 1 ply toilet paper.... It's just so shitty
My friends always told me I couldn't say my S's right. I never noticed it until I heard a recording of myself talk. Suddenly, it all made shensh after that.
Why don't atheists use exponents? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
Teacher: How Old is your father? Pappu: As old as I am. Master: How is it possible? Pappu: He became father only after I was born.
Guido Mastrobatatti died when he hurt his arm? How? He had elbow-a
Ethiopia How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Stable bread to the ceiling.
I asked a cute statistician if I could get her phone number. She said probably not.
What do the hotdogs taste like at the gay parade? Shit
A Santa joke. So what does a pimp and Santa have in common? They both go Ho Ho Ho I'll see myself [out] (http://i.imgur.com/9gdyd.gif)
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head  to foot around the Equator then... Hey come to think of it that's not a bad idea.
What's green, slimy and smells like pork? Kermit's finger
What do you call a blind German? A Not See
there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently... the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything.
Jesus loves me ... it's so awkward.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 hoes
To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.
*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*
What do you call a Jamaican guy on the internet? A digimon.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Chuck Norris has never lost his virginity. Chuck Norris never loses.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she had been having sex with an A-Hole for years.
I don't care how polite your sign is, i'm flushing the toilet paper.
Why did Mickey Mouse leave Minnie Mouse? She was fuckin' Goofy.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile I said, "That's a pretty big word for a six year old."
What did one end of the rope say to the other? We were bound to get together...
I don't understand how many blueberries you're supposed to eat in one sitting. 10? 2,000? There's no natural stopping point.
What's the most confusing day in Harlem? Fathers Day!
Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
I had to use my glasses when playing tennis. Because its a no contact sport.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn't a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I'm in jail.
What did a Jewish guy do first thing in the morning? Hebrew coffee Go easy on me with this pun.
I was playing Katawashoujo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katawa_Shoujo There is an option to 'Disable sex Scenes' So... do I gain more sex scenes? They're already disabled.
I told my wife I am sending her a dick pic... She said " I don't want your junk mail!"
Did you hear about the guy who died of constipation? Yeah, he stopped giving a shit.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was "Raaawwwrgggah".
How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ? Take all the matches out first !
How is a hipster like a pedophile? They both get into things before it's cool.
A little bird told me that 5 Hour Energy shots can cure hangovers. Not sure I can trust a talking bird while on acid, though.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving.
I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive.
How many absurdists does it take to change a lightbulb? Yarn.
Argon walks into a bar. And the bartender says, "We don't serve Noble Gasses in here!" Argon does not react.
Did you hear about the overweight introvert who thought he had won the hot dog eating contest? Turns out he was just a bit shy.
Did you all hear about this morning after pill? Or what I like to call breakfast in bed.
Did you hear what happened to the computer programmer? His wife told him, "while you are out, buy some eggs." He never came back.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size? In square feet.
If I had a pound for every time i misunderstood an expression... I'd way a fucking ton!
Why will Hillary Clinton make a bad president? Because she is a woman.
My friend told this great lumberjack joke the other day. But no one was around to hear it...
Im proud to be a black man! Said the black man Im proud to be an asian man! Said the asian man Im proud to be a white man! Said the racist
Why couldn't the physicist get the Standard Model to work? Because it wouldn't commute!
"Ma'am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them" - Oh no "This is Debra" - aww I like that "And this is Depanties"
What is the bounciest place in France? The dordogne.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted HER: Oh thanks! What's in it? HIM: What do you mean, "in it"?
Who represents a Ghost in court? A Paralegal.
If life gives you melons you might be dyslexic.
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January 2nd February...!
In 2017, every TV show's marketing plan will be to add a Trump parody character so he's compelled to watch & cry on twitter about it.
The F.U.N. Song F is for fascists who kill jews together U is for you and me N is for anywhere and any time at all down in the auschwitz death camp
How did the Nucleus escape from prison? through the cell wall.
What can you make and break at the same time? A racket.
DIVORCED BARBIE Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie? A: All of Ken's stuff.
What tastes good? Popcorn.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can't Breathe Without You to I'll Choke You Out In Public.
It's so hot outside that I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb? Woah woah woah... I never said there was a lightbulb!
Why does Yasuo never get locked out? Because he always "hasaki!"
What do they call traffic laws in 3rd world countries? Guidelines
I see your eight-year-old joke and raise you my nine-year-old joke. Why didn't the bullet have a job? It got fired.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
What's a weeaboo's favorite religion Animism
What do you call math that gives you PTSD? Triggernometry
What kind of sharks make good carpenters? Hammerheads!
My fat next door neighbor is lying face down on her front lawn. Don't know if she's passed out or eating the grass.
SURPRISE! -Sharts
What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread? Sourdough!
Why did the siamese twins moved to England? So the other one would also drive
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair* wife: That's a new shirt, let's put a bib on you me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
How do you get your pigs to sleep at night? No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.
Why did the biology magazine put a picture of gametes on their cover? Because sex cells.
Why did Hannibal invade Rome? [OC] Well it was kinda hard to avoid, what will all roads leading there and what not.
What's the easiest way to twist someone's arm? Thalidomide
Once there was a fire .. Once there was a fire in brothel. Some people came out running and others ran out cumming.
I want to debate! Someone disagree with me! No.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy bear.
I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come... Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Only redditors would get this [deleted]
windows 8: i got some updates me: cool windows: i have to restart me: okay not now windows: im going to me: please dont windows: lol
How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
Why is it I cant get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan? Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on??
Have u seen the movie "Constipated"? Oh that's right it hasn't come out yet.
Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
How do you keep a blonde waiting? I'll tell you tomorrow.
[DAD JOKE] My friend and I like bone jokes... ...But this time, we want you to humerus.
Did you hear about that nightclub for birds? Was Rave'n
are you the girl who has to type everything said in court? "yes" I'm sorry *looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. I'm sorry, everyone.
*Takes ex girlfriend's poem on Antiques Road Show* Sir these are worthless *Winks at camera* Told you Karen!
What do you call an Irish guy who can't keep off the weight? McFatagain! I'm sorry.
I only shave on days when I'll be having sex. I live life as a yeti now.
Why did Michael Jackson call Boys 2 Men? He thought they were a delivery service
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn't work. Help forum: Should've had a better case. Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I phoned a Chinese restaurant. A guy answered and said "Hello, I'm Wang King the chef" I said "Don't worry, l'll call back later when you're not busy "
Swords just aren't naturally "wooooshy" enough for me, that's why I add the noise. That's why I add the noise, Janet.
Sorry I'm late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I hate it when people can't make a good sausage its the wurst
Monica Lewinsky says she's not voting for Hillary if she runs because... ...the last time a Clinton was in the White House it left a bad taste in her mouth!
What do you call a pretentious criminal going down a flight of stairs? A condescending condescending
How do you make an epileptic dance? Throw a flashbang into the room.
Good thing is that the Irish won't be leaving EU. Although, U2 would probably still sound as good With or Without EU.
And Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life...." But John came fifth, and only received a toaster oven.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I felt like making some penis jokes today. Only problem is that they were too *hard* to make.
What's the hardest thing about a burning orphanage? My dick.
The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 
A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland... A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System *Czechs for ABS
I just discovered that Australia has a Canada day each year on 26 of May https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Sorry_Day
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.
What do you call white on the top and black at the bottom? Society.
What do you call a porno set in space. Apollo 13 inches
My friend told me he was afraid of Al Queda... Guess that makes him an iraqnaphobe
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
I like my wine like I like my women 9 years old and locked in the cellar
A man pickpockets a random person and steals her credit card as the man walks off with the card, he says to himself 'hasta la visa'.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
Who translated "The Flat-Chested Woman" from the original Russian? Vasily Bithertitoff
My girlfriend told me stop singing wonderwall. I said maaaaybe....
NOTHING says "I am batshit, incapable of relationships, bad with money & cannot be trusted" like colored contact lenses.
What do your mom and Poland have in common? a lot of countries have been inside her.
One I heard at a restaurant "Am I the first girl you ever kissed?" She whispered softly to her date. "It's possible" he admitted, "Were you at Lake Geneva in 2004?"
What's brown and runny Usain Bolt
What does a runner lose after winning a race? His breath.
"Damnit!" -a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Charlie Sheen #thinning
You know a girl is serious when they say your name in a text.
What did the wind turbine say to Al Gore? I'm a big fan.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten tickles
What do you call James Bond in the bathtub? Bubble-0-7
People come up to me all the time in the street and they ask me, they ask me: "Say, Paul, what's the Mahabharata?" And I say to them, I say, "Oh, just a bit of light reading."
What's the worst aspect about Calculus teachers? They always go off on tangents in class.
If by 'lucky' you mean I remember to clean the lint trap so it doesn't self combust, then yes, I'm up all night to get lucky. . . Again.
I used a vaccum cleaner inside of an elevator It sucked on so many levels...
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
What is the most popular style in Moscow salons? A brushin.
How do you know humans can't reincarnate as insects? You've ever gotten one bug bite not on your crotch (or tits).
What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Australian Cricket Team
I'm working in a bar and a woman walks in and asks for a double entendre. So I gave her one
I sent a text to my friend's mobile: "Lost my contacts. Send me your number". He replied with his name and number.
What did the little girl with no arms, no legs, blind, deaf and mute get for Christmas? NSFW Cancer
You know you're a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Did you hear about the penis-less man that got excited? He just came out of nowhere
Why was the necrophiliac fired from the crematory? He was caught spreading remains before they were cremated.
Knock knock Who's there? Ana Ana who? Ana gonna tell you
Pick Up Chinese Girl I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629
Bill Gates walks into a Apple Store.... and as he is looking at the ipad he farts. He takes a whiff and says to an employee, you need to buy some windows.
Whenever you say "I'll shoot you an email," it makes me wish I could shoot you in email.
How do you kill a hipster? by drowning them in the mainstream
If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
They are finally letting women go to the ISS About damn time. Some one has to make the men sandwiches up there.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency? ME: my wife hears everything HUSBAND 911: do I? ME: what? HUSBAND 911: what?
Some gamers think that it's wrong to cheat... but i think its down right left triangle up square down left square right circle cross
"I'll never forget you Jack" "Can I float on that wood too, Rose?" "I'll always remember you" "Seems like there's room for--" "Goodbye Jack"
This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.
Oscar Pistorius says he won't be entering other races until the trial is over. I think in prison he'll have to worry more about other races entering him.
I suggest we all go to Russia for Christmas.. They'll have fried Turkey
My doctor prescribed me Adderall to help my concentration and frustration. The only problem is that... now I'm super concentrated on my frustrations.
In every soap opera we've ever watched, we are taught that running away and leaving doesn't solve our problems Didn't stop the Brits from trying
The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal Much to his dismay, he got cold feet
Why was the lobster arrested? Because he was always pinching things.
corny joke I was going to tell you a joke about farms, but it was corny
My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke... Because in Russia line punch you.
I go to Taco Bell and throw in random adjectives to see if they notice. "I'll have the Cheesy Double Sweaty Burrito."
[At Vision Center] Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here.
Happy 47th birthday, teens logging into adults-only websites! And the same to anyone else whose birthday actually *is* January 1st, 1969.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a  cool double life.
I like my women how I like my dial-up Internet Always going down on me...
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute
How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door? The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.
How do you get a Criminal to stop running? Play the national anthem
Why did lebron change his name to ebron Because the cavaliers toke the L
Neil Patrick Harris couldn't host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I walked into the Reddit restaurant. All the servers were busy.
How many introverts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?
Without Loss of Generality Assume x = 5
What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.
I just found out my on-line girlfriend has a wooden leg. should I break it off?
Pele sees a pretty woman at a bar. He approaches her and says "You're very pretty. Fancy coming back to my place?" The woman says "My, you're a little forward."
There are certain people who assume that I'm intelligent. These people aren't aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Wanna know why everyone is a pizza delivery guy? Because if you pick up pizza, you're delivering it to yourself !! edit: RIP inbox!!!!
Waiter what's this fly doing in my soup? It's fly soup sir!
What did the Father of Judaism sleep on? An Abra-Hammock I'm sorry
My thesaurus is awful. Not only that, it's also awful.
What do a call a midget psychic that just robbed a bank? A Small, Medium, at Large
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.
You know what's a weird Irish name? Patty O'furniture.
Why did the hard drive crash? Because it had a bad driver.
An Irishman walks out of a bar
Q: What did the snowman say to the other snowman? A: "Do you smell carrot?"
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Why is a change machine easy to understand? It makes cents.
What do call an ant that helps you with your taxes? An account-ant.
What did Obama's dad say when his mom wanted anal? Well they don't call me "Saddamy" Hussein for nothing!
Giraffe: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! [5 min later] *vomits*
How many friend zoned guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they will all just stand there complimenting it and get pissed when it wont screw.
I'm sick of all these jokes about mexicans and blacks... Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal!
What is the difference between a baby and a feminist? Eventually, the baby grows up and stops crying. Edit: This turned fun!
What sex position gives birth to the ugliest children? Ask your parents.
It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone
Knock knock! Come in.
Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low...
Young Forever Nutritionists say people who eat less tend to be younger in appearance. It is true. One of my friends hadn't eaten for 10 days, he's forever 25 years old now.
The ghost of a dog with no tail walks into a bar after closing time.. Barman: Sorry, we don't retail spirits after hours.
How long does it take for a White woman to take a crap? 9 Months.
What made the vampire a gentlemen? They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.
Poker doesn't work well in Africa. There's just too many cheetahs.
If I am attacked by a group of clowns..... should I always go for the juggler?
A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.
I have this theory that McDonald's hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That's why they're always hiring.
What happens when you piss off a pepper? They get jalapeno business.
Browser History: Man vs. Woman Woman's Browser History: Pintrest Pintrest Pintrest Makeup Tutorial Makeup Tutorial Makeup Tutorial Makeup Tutorial Shoes Shoes Shoes Man's Browser History: -
Tequila If a guy gets drunk on tequila, and beats you up... then he's guilty of agavated assault.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time. Dragon: This is the last time. Unicorn: Hell yeah! Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives.
"daddy why did the moon turn red?" "because god is flooding it with the blood of all the children who ask too many questions sweetie"
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.
I just sent my first e-mail. Kongratulations!
Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.
What does an African child's mom say when it doesn't finish its dinner? What mom?
How cute does someone have to be for sparks to fly? Electro*cute*
So, I just found out I got some black guys in my family tree... Went to the backyard and found them still hanging there.
I just have a step ladder I never knew my real ladder
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing... Unless you're at a funeral.
Just been told I've got the job as a mime ... I'm speechless.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I'm having fond memories of when he couldn't talk.
Why is Uncle Sam's penis Blue and White? You supply the red.
I like my coffee like I like my men, Big, black, and strong.
I like my women like I like my whiskey... Aged 12 years.
So, a man walks into a bar with a monkey. I forgot the rest of the joke but your mothers a whore.
What does a physics cow say? 
How did the tugboat get AIDS? It was rear-ended by a ferry.
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
The new mouthwash I bought says "24 HOUR PROTECTION ....use twice daily"
What did the bull-fighter say to the upset door? What's the matador?
So I met a vegan. I'd finish the joke, but she's still talking.
I'masinglesexuallyfrustratedastronaut.YouknowwhatIcouldreallygofor? aSpaceBar
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class. I've never run so far in my life.
I don't mind going to work. It's that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Confucius say: Man cannot run in front of car forever. He get two tired.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need... Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.
I'm reading a book about poltergeists. It's a real page turner.
Recently reconciled with my brother after a long conflict. I apologised for slashing his tires, and he regretted breaking some of my home appliances. But hey, it's all water under the fridge now.
I'm interested in this girl who only dates Catholic guys... ... I guess you could call me a pope-less romantic
I'm still mad NYC banned the lead paint I used to like sucking off my tenement windowsills. #DontTreadOnMe
Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn't look like them?
Why are Redditors naturally great at swordfighting? They practice riposting all the time.
Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !
What do you call a bread that's not too bright? a dimwheat
You guys heard of the movie "Constipated"? Me neither... I guess it's never coming out.
What's Big? My ass.
Why are track suits so popular song members of the former Soviet Union? Aww cheap. I screwed up the title.
When Dealing with Penises, Some are Born Great, and some have Greatness Thrust inside them
I'm such a heavy sleeper that i still wouldn't wake up even if you... shot me in the face
Burping up Taco Bell is like returning to the scene of the crime
What do the Green Bay Packers and Monica Lewinsky have in common? They both like Clinton-Dix
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what NURSE: Sir it's a blood draw please stop saying that
The reason Patrick is always clueless Is because he lives under a rock.
How do you make cottage cheese? You shake a baby.
My sex life
What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear. I know it's bad, but everyone deserves a good arsenal of dad jokes.
How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen Do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
A girl went to Thailand... And came back a changed man.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It forgot the lyrics.
Reddit's turning into 1980's America Mass privatization, and everyone is blaming the Chinese.
What is Chuck Liddell's favorite fruit? The Grapple...
What does a feminist pick up from the post office? Their femail
I saw a giraffe with a short neck It was sad, or a deer
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield. Day. Made.
How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.
Why did Trump have to legally change his first name to Donad? Because Hillary took the L.
Why do mice have such small balls? Because not very many of them can dance.
Chuck Norris can recharge his chuckPod by plugging it into a piece of cheese.
the most challenging thing I've done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
"Let's name it something that people will automatically connect with movies." - Not the guys who started Fandango.
If you weren't supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn't package them in rows of 15.
[ad for umbrellas] [cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet] "There must be a better way!" Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
You know how some people make food exactly as it appears on the cookbook? I guess you could say they made copy and pasta.
What seemed to be the parrots problem? Prolly wanted a cracker!
The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.
And on the seventh day God said, "the American version of the Office should have ended when Jim asked out Pam"
Should you make jokes about fizzy drinks? No they'll just go to pop!
Why didn't the French soldier fight in the battle of France? He was on a summer retreat!
Why was Yoda afraid of 9? Because 10 9 8
Poker? I can't even see who you're pointing at!
A zombie walks into a bar and asks for a shot. It was a 12 gauge.
According to the Internet: Xbox One - $500. - Weaker hardware. - Mandatory daily check-in. - Requires Kinect. - DRM. PS4 - Cures cancer.
Political joke Donald Trump
A vasectomy can make a vas deferens in your life
What's the difference between a house cleaner and a thief? The way they enter your house.
After many years of research, I have finally determined that THE most annoying thing ever is... Clickbait! (Sorry)
I would like to be Santa Claus He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cigarette ! Cigarette who ? Cigarette life if you don't weaken !
Dogs are just vacuums that want to be rewarded
What did the 0 say to the 8? ... Hey, nice belt..
*showing mom how to use her phone* What's the blue button with the bird? THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!
I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.
Any time I wonder if God exists, I think of women & I know he does. Coincidentally, this is also what I do when I wonder if the devil exists.
There was this ancient pagan ritual where they would hit the ground with sticks and shout out. Today we call it golf.
Why do tigers always beat cheetahs at hide-and-seek? They've never been spotted.
Why was the programmer's code incomprehensible? No comment.
Marriage is so disrespected as an institution nowadays that soon brides may be tossing the groom and keeping the bouquet.
The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones... ...but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
My family doesn't get together a lot during the holidays. We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Q: What's green and purple and goes up and  down? A: Barney in an elevator.
What is Hitler's favorite reality show? The Amazing Race
What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite snack? Chopped dates.
So, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, right? I guess that's when the books started getting *dead Sirius*
I used to be addicted to soap But it's okay now, I am clean.
The world isn't going to end tomorrow... It's not on my calendar.
What did the baby computer say to his father? Data!
Why do mathematicians love talking about Jesus? Because he's a cross product.
What's the Al-Qaeda's favourite sports team? The New York Jets (   )
[speed dating] I enjoy gardening. I've got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Security: Animals aren't allowed in this art gallery, sir. Me: It's my guide dog. Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter...
Excuse me, do you really need glasses... or are they just for looks?
An alcoholic walks into a bar
What did the food say to the other food, while inside a stomach? I won't digest yet.
If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Police commissioner, do we have any leads in the Trump assassination case? It's too early to tell, but we have reason to believe the gun belonged to Gov. Jeb Bush
What is the only meat a Catholic Priest is allowed to eat on Good Friday? Nun
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? (slightly nsfw) a dicktater
What is Homer Simpsons favorite bread? Sour-Doh!
I dressed up for Halloween today.. I went as someone who suffers from dyslexia
Why do they have fences around a cemetery? Because people are dying to get in.
An insect just came into my living room and exploded. It was a Jihadi long legs
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
What can you never get from a gay person? a straight answer. Accepting alternate answers in the comments
I lost my ruler and my work after drawing a graph... I think they were plotting something.
Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It's been 15 minutes.
Why was the sand wet? Because the seaweed.
Valve hasn't won yet They're not **tri**-umphant
There's no such thing as premature ejaculation, the truth is that women arrive late everywhere!
These attacks in Paris were really terrible 13/11 never baguette
The countdown to my sister's wedding has begun, a constant reminder that I'm just a unibrow & a showtune away from being Susan Boyle.
I have a friend named miles But he moved to Europe so now he goes by Kilometers.
Why did they plant trees in Harlem? Public transportation.
Did you hear about the fat absent father? He was never around, but at least he was portly.
I guess it goes without saying that I'm the Han Solo of Twitter, and you guys are Ewoks. Not even the Ewoks with names. Background Ewoks.
How do sheep sign their e-mails? Ewes sincerely.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we're getting somewhere.
Why is Yoda Programming full of exceptions ? Because there is no try.
For an Asian porn star, everyday is election day.
I was braised by wild cannibals.
Why does Wiz Khalifa brush his teeth? Plaque and yellow, plaque and yellow, plaque and yellow.
When I think about you, I touch myself..... ......I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache...
Why did the man throw away all the new pennies  he had? Because they were a nuisance (new cents).
I use green hand soap because I like to imagine I just jerked off a leprechaun
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
a proper response to girl calling "amy?" in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON'T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
And the genius told me "Do you want a big dick or a good memory ?" Ho ! What did I choose ? I don't remember.
"?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA" - reverse psychology
What do you call a gay T-Rex? A Dino-sore-ass.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop
Why are aspirins white? Because they work.
The Chinese stock market... &gt;Is the safest market in the world, the most transparent market, the least fluctuating market, the most democratic market.
You hear about the fishing prostitute ? Heard she was a real hooker.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got fired because I couldn't concentrate.
Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then WHAM!
What do a carjacker and pervert have in common? They're always cracking in-ya-windows!
Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane onto his brothers scrap metal yard.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I'm fine now.
What did the bird say when he flew over K-Mart? Caw Caw why'd my natural habitat get replaced with 165 000 square feet of consumerist wasteland lol
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th. Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over.
Does a basketball player with an extra chromosome... have both ups and downs?
Sex is like pizza. My wife won't let me have it until I lose weight.
What's the stupidest prank someone tried pulling on you? My sister just told me she was pregnant and I was the father. Does she really think I'm that dumb? I'm 100% sure she's on birth control.
A list of con-man jokes. What? You were expecting your money's worth? Now begger off before I set Fred on you.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it? That.'
A small bird made of oak Be good if there was a related joke, wooden tit? (Credit: Tim Vine)
Is that all? "I wanna stab you." Huh? "Cut your throat." What? "Drink your blood." Um. "Have your baby." Uh. "Kidding! I'll have a coke."
Sure hope I haven't wasted my life being loyal to the wrong brand of toothpaste.
Why do health magazines targeting hypochondriacs have so much trouble maintaining subscriber levels? Because none of their readers believe them when they receive a warning that it's their final issue.
Coworker: Man, it was cold last night! Me: I had my heat on. CW: I meant outside. Me: I don't live outside. CW...
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their greatest hits are on the wall.
Life is like a penis [dirty] Life is like penis...... Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely.... Then a woman make it hard
My boss accused me of having OCD... I soon put him in his place.
Why are so many ghosts alcoholics? Because they love BOOOOoooOOoOoOoooooooze!!
Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee? Because they only work in theory
The most feared killer whales are the ones that have done time in Seaworld.
either my xbox is broken, or it wants to get married and start a family... because it's done playing games with me.
Remember when you were at a friend's house & their folks fought & you didn't know where to look? It's how I get when Glee does a rap song...
Dad: Level Expert Two cupcakes were baking in the oven. One of them turns to the other and say 'Wow! Its hot in here, isn't it?', the second cupcakes screams 'AAAaaaaa! A talking cupcake!'
If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it's the tennis kind.
There's only one problem where tears are the solution... and that's forgetting to pack your contact lens cleaner.
I don't know why they call it the Oedipus Complex. Banging your mom seems fairly simple.
A woman in New York is suing a Manhattan salon for $1.5 million over a bad haircut. The last time I saw a disaster like that with clippers was Donald Sterling.
"Mom! I'm going out!" - You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt - Why not? - Because I can see your balls, Richard.
My Girlfriend told me to give her 10 inches and make it hurt... So I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth!
[sits son down after he didn't win science fair] son, tomorrow some will call me "hero" others will call me "guy who fought a teacher"
Lost my wristwatch at a party once. A guy stepped on it while sexually harassing a girl. I punched him straight in the chin, knocking him out. Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Why are Russians so heartless? Because organ traders offer good price.
If we were to have a small food fight, would we be engaging in Morsel Combat?
[after i confess to murder] COP: sarge? you gotta see this [shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]
A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub. Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.
I got punched in the face last week - I now spend most of my time stroking gappy teeth with my tongue. I should probably stop making out with pensioners.
Cop: Sir, can you step outside please? Me: Sir? Awww! You are SO polite! Cop: Excuse me? Me: Now you're just showing off.
Do they have a shitty attitude because they work for minimum wage, or work for minimum wage because they have a shitty attitude?
What did the other nose say to the other nose when it was crying? It told it a Nak-Nak joke! (In my language Urdu, Nak means nose.)
What does a pedophile and a tortoise have in common? They both want to get there before the hare.
What does the German President wear? Leader-hosen.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog... It was a shih tzu.
What do you call an Irish J-Pop singer? Rady O'Gaga
Sex with me is like WWIII... It hasn't happened yet.
What do you call a bass player without a GF? Homeless.
probably the funniest noises you could hear during a funeral would be an actual donkey bray (eeyore noise), or the sound of dial-up internet
 Hey cow You're an all star You are grain fed No hay Hey cow You are ground down Graded U.S. D.A. 
Fractals joke there are 2 types of people in this world, those who don't know about fractals and those who think that there are 2 types of people in this world...
How to stop pedophilia worldwide? Kill all the children.
What do 9 out of 10 people call a good time? Gang rape.
why does a boxer have miscarriages.... ...because she punch backs whenever the baby kicks
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today... He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the fucker over.
Why did the U.S. invade Panama? Just Cause
Keyboards should give an electric shock with each keystroke when caps lock is on.
Why did Kanye blow up the bakery? Because no one man should have all that flour.
What's the difference between Jews and Boy Scouts? Boy Scouts come back from their camps.
What did the Duck say to the Prostitute? "Put it on my bill"
I've been in Wisconsin for ten pounds. That means one week for those of you who have never visited Wisconsin.
What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea? Trump has never had a garbanzo on his face.
What do you call a gay Frenchman? A faguette. (Sorry if offensive)
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks.
Why should you always carry toilet paper to the twilight zone? Doodoo doodoo
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aramis ! Aramis who ? Aramis'tery !
I could make some serious money selling nude pics of myself to bulimics with short fingers.
So a leper goes to a prostitute... She begins to perform fellatio on him. After he finishes, he says to the girl "Go ahead and keep the tip".
When colleges ask for my leadership activities... "I'm a mod on reddit."
[On a date] *Don't let her know you're a dog* Girl: Do you want to...maybe go for a walk after this? *starts running in circles going crazy*
What do lesbian couples do when they are both on their periods? finger paint!
"do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?" no, try using your phone [throws phone and hits wasp nest] *running* I meant google it
#VALUE!
What is something that cannot lift off the ground? Your career
Why are blacks so fit? From running away from fatherhood.
My dad's addicted to christmas dinner But he's been cold turkey every meal since.
My wife and I are both feminists But I'm a man so I'm a bit better than her at it
knock knock Who's there? Pill. Pill who? Pill Cosby.
Why is the network engineer sad? Because his career is in bits.
I once thought I had a Japanese friend. But it was just my imagine Asian
The phrase "Tricky Dick" refers to both former President Richard Nixon and penis puppeteer Rich Handey. Be specific in your usage.
I would have been grounded for saying 66% of Dick Van Dyke's name.
There should be a sequel song about needing a ride back from Funkytown.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I'm trying one more time and then it'll be his future wife's problem.
Slasher films are so unrealistic. Anyone could out run a guy walking with a chainsaw. That's why I train running with a chainsaw.
How'd Florida man break his leg raking leaves? He fell off the palm tree
What do you call the useless objects a company possesses? Asshats (assets - asshats)
[Image] An image speaks louder than words. If words can be offencive, more so can be images. So avoid all words and images that can offend someone.
I used to be square but then I gave my self to a higher power... Now I'm stuck in this cubical all day
I just finished arguing with a friend who thought that Charlize's role as Aeon Flux was much better than her role as Imperator Furiosa. I guess to each Theron.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
Which trees miss you the most? Pine trees
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I think I better go play the lottery because I just correctly plugged in a USB cord on the first try.
Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags: "I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris." "Sir, you can't do that." "Why not? It happened the last time."
What do you get when you send a duck backwards in time to the moment before you sent the duck? A Pair-a-ducks.
what happens after kidz bop 68? are they gonna skip a number or just go for it or what
My daughter just said that I'm the best dad she's ever had. So I got that going for me.
Santa has elves. America has China.
Boy: *calls 911*......... Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes. He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Trying to grab a stall after lunch as a male. It's a crap shoot.
My aunt sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. After much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her
2 Fish were in a tank... One fish says to the other, "Hey who's driving this thing?"
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle. Hell. No.
Black friday, ughhhh ALL FRIDAYS MATTER!
Odd numbers I can't even...
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button.
What do you call someone pretending to nice to people just to get upvotes? karma chameleon
Patient To Doctor Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
How can you tell when the stage is level? The drummer is drooling equally from both sides of his mouth.
"What's your favourite Pixar film?" "Up, yours?" "No need to be like that I was only asking"
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? A: Works pretty well, doesn't it?
How do you make a hormone? Refuse to pay.
Gary: Standing in line at the movies, little white girl has a brown colored doll. Talk about progress in America brehs. Fred: But she owns that doll tho.
Why would peter pan make a terrible pilot Because he'd neverland.
What Do You Call A Cow With Parkinson's Beef Jerky
A guy walks into a bar... The patient then exhibited signs of a concussion and a minor subdermal hematoma. Edit: Yes, a version of, "A guy walks into a bar... and says 'ouch'."
I left a godless morning fart in each of the kids' lunchboxes so they'll know I was thinking about them.
The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
What do you call a burnt nugget? nigget
What do you call a baby Cosmonaut? Yuri Googoogagarin. ^I'll ^see ^myself ^out...
A seal walks into a club... that is all.
What do you call a black guy who fly's a plane for a living? A PILOT you fucking racist!
A criminal burgles into a dormitory... He yells at one of the students: "I'm looking for money!" The student calmly replies: "What a coincidence, I am too!"
I'm a theist I would be atheist, but I left a space for God.
I wish I had a more acidic wit Unfortunately mine's very basic.
I once shook hands with Michael J Fox He seemed pretty offended, but in my defense, the room was cold.
Is fapping while high hijacking? Or is it weed whacking?
A rabbi, a priest, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"
Why were the coal miners confident of Theodore Roosevelt ? He threatened their boss to use his big stick.
What do you call an experienced Nazi doctor who treats animals? A veteran Aryan
What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument? A tuba toothpaste.
I won a waterfight with the local kids at the park. No ones a match for me and my kettle!
If a woman is in the woods, with no male around Will she still complain?
I consider myself a tolerable person, and I can care less if you are gay/straight;black/white; or conservative or liberal. The one thing I cannot tolerate, is ALL YOUR FUKN GAME REQUESTS!!!!!
As hillbillies age, they're called hillwilliams.
White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump Nope. Sorry. Just kidding. Edit: buncha scrubs keep downvoting my hilarious joke.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Want to hear a dumb, old joke? Hillary Clinton. Want to hear a dumber, older joke? Wherefore doth the chicken cross the road? Want to hear the oldest, dumbest joke I've heard? Donald Trump.
Anal sex and cabbage have a lot in common. If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.
"I don't really know my best position. left, right or center" "Wayne, just get on the fcuking plane and pick an aisle will you."
The difference between Jam and Marmalade [NSFW] Q: What is the difference between jam and marmalade? A: I can't marmalade my dick down your throat.
I'm not really sure I'm understanding this financial crisis in Greece... It's all Greek to me.
My Dog I swear my dog thinks the floor in every room is the dinner table, every time I enter or leave a room she has to stand up.
So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%
Want to hear the shortest joke in the world? Midget shortage.
They say make up sex is the best... Good thing, because all the sex I have is made up.
When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbult? To get to the other side.
Called one of those claims companies after my accident... ... Turns out you can't get any compensation if you shit yourself on the bus.
How do you kill a one legged fox? Make him run across Canada
I like to observe people in lines. I'm in Wait Watchers.
What does a stoner do to work out? Kush ups
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking? Because it was making him moody.
If a girl elongates her words when she's texting me, I know she's down to fuckkkk, developmentally disabled, or bothhhhh.
I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I made a few bucks.
Her: wanna dance? Me: I'm never gonna dance again Her: why? Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm Her: ? Me: sorry, I'm old...*Fml*
Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo
I'm really irritated by people that are missing phalanges. I guess I'm lactose intolerant.
Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward. My mom is such a bad actress.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? She was a woman.
Gravity is a harsh mistress... *... but she has reasonable rates!*
If attacked by a pack of clowns.... Go for the juggler.
What do you call a really extraordinary farmer? A man outstanding in his field.
Why do cannibals hate Pentecostals? Because they're always throwing up their hands.
What kind of fun does a priest have? Nun.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "haha good one" and we laugh and laugh and  take a nap.
I wanted to get a second dog to keep my dog company. I asked my dog if he wanted me to bring him a male dog or a female dog. He replied... "Bitch, please".
RIP Boiling Water You will be mist.
My dad went to Vietnam He single-handedly shot and killed 32 north vietnamese. Next year we're going on vacation somewhere else. Edit: spelling
Jeopardy gum If Jeopardy! champion Arthur Chu started a candy company, the gum would have a locomotive on the wrapper, and would be called - get this - Chu Chew!
A hole has been found in the outer wall of a nudist camp. Foul play suspected... Investigators are looking into it.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons] I'd like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My jeans say "no more Christmas goodies" but my leggings are like "we got you, gurrrl"
Students of Chemistry Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.
What is hitlers favorite letter? I'm not sure but I can tell you it's not z
What do you call an non alkaline Jewish family. Hasidic
The stock market monitors Chuck Norris.
Your first car is a lot like anal... ...you don't really want it but your stepdad gives it to you anyway.
(Wedding) Priest: They've written their vows Wife: *recites beautiful vows* Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Yo mama jokes are dumb, overused, and low quality. Like yo mama.
Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes? It takes 21 days to make a habit.
They say you are what you eat I guess that makes me a human
What did Victoria say to the tailor? I'm a Taylor too.
Whats the hardest part of watching an Orphanage burn? Not getting hard.
If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we'd all be dead.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house." I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?
Tomorrow is a day of fasting and abstinence for many denominations. So I guess that means no meat of ANY kind.
I'll take two glasses of lemonade please... ...said the man. But hold the "ades". Waitress: So you just want two lemons? Man: No, I just don't want AIDS.
My DR sent me a text. I read; "What blod type are you?" I replied "Typo".
Erectile Dysfunction Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
A lady cut me off... The other day a lady cut me off who was texting while driving. I got so mad at her I pulled up beside her and threw my beer can at her.
What do you call a 3 humped camel? Pregnant.
Can strawberry jam? No, but lemon curd.
Why do teenage girls have groups in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful." Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
How do you start a rave in ethiopia? Tape a piece of toast to the roof.
Ever turn the radio right to your favorite song as it's beginning? It almost makes up for the fact that everyone you love will die sometime.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide, but you can't run.
I only date black girls... because I hate meeting fathers.
What are a Corporation's Favourite Letters? Capital I's
Doctor! I think I'm a teepee and a wigwam! Here is a prescription for antipsychotics.
A poet and a logician were found dead earlier this week. They say the killer had no rhyme or reason.
A black and a Mexican are in a car.. Who's driving? The police
I noticed a bank teller having trouble counting coins so i bumped into his desk and knocked some cents into him.
It's an ATM. Not an ATM machine. The M in ATM already covered that, stupid.
What does a pirate say when he turns 80? Aye Matey. might be a repost sorry if it is!
Did you know the Dalai Lama has a gambling problem? Yeah, he loves Tibet
What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA? A strongly worded reprimand from the university's board of regents, and an immediate withdrawal of your funding.
Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same Once you heard juan...you've them jamal...sorry i had to
Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare's Hamlet didn't turn out to be the story of a delicious tiny ham.
Why does Mrs. Claus not have any kids? Because Santa only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.
Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police Nut screws washer and bolts
An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
I really feel bad that 9/11 happened. If it hadn't, America wouldn't be suffering right now over the rememberance shows and lack of good television.
Think about how much women could accomplish if they didn't spend half the day taking pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors.
There once was a man from Dupree, Whose limericks ended on line three. I don't know why,
We all knew that Jared Fogle loves the Subway Turkey Sub... but now we find out he likes to sneak a little salami into the bun too
I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend "because I'm such a pretty girl". I'm a psycho, grandma.
what amusement park ride do jews not really care for? the holocuaster
Is elliott a lawn mower? He is really gay
Why did the sun go to school? To get brighter!
What are 3 things you can't give a black man? A fat lip, A black eye and, a job. I had too..
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son's love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
the best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.
U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
What is black, white, and red all over? Interracial double penetration
A travelling salesman gets into a self driving car. "Oh shit" says the car
Why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark? Professional courtesy.
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
A boy and his pal A pedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods at night. The boy says, "Mister, I'm scared." The pedophile says, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk home alone."
How is Sandusky like a tortoise? He gets there before the hair...
What do you call a preponderance of the evidence that your drink has been compromised? Probable Cosby
So my friend went duck hunting the other day, but didn't get anything I told him it was alright. No harm no fowl.
So I asked my roommate why life was so hard... (NSFW Language) He responded, "How else would it fuck you?"
My friend told me Alan Rickman had passed away. I said "You're joking?".... ...She replied "Nope. Dead Sirius."
What does a news anchor say during sex? this just in
Isn't it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn't think so but that's what my new best friend is telling security
How do you make a pool table laugh? Jiggle its balls
I've got a circle with a vertical line through it on my bedroom ceiling It's my hi-phi
What's the feminine name for the Internet Highway? e-Lane
It's my wife birthday coming up and she keeps going on about how bad I am at buying presents. Well this year she's in for a rude awakening. I'm buying her a Tourettes alarm clock.
Floyd Mayweather is unbeaten Can't say the same about the women in his life
Scientists say you're more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents If anyone sees any German snipers let me know
I'm insensitive I don't get the sense of words.
I lost my watch at a party once Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with five guys ? All she came back with was a red snapper.
What is the difference between straight and bisexual? A 6 pack and a backrub
I got a banging sound system fitted into my car. Might make my job as a hearse driver more entertaining.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
I like my coffee how I like my women... Cold and bitter
What's the best Disney song to listen to while having a threesome? You've Got a Friend in Me
Interviewer: Where did you receive your education? Me: Yale Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate? Me: I yust got out in Yuly
How do you confuse a blind person? Toss them a basketball and ask them to read it.
I'm convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
What do you call an Irishman sitting in your Backyard? Paddy O'Furniture
Less well known than Ernest Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms"... is his sequel, "Oh Hello Arms I Didn't Think I'd See You Again"
*Snowstorm on it's way* America - we need to stock up on bread and milk! Canadians - better hit the beer store.
What is the most racist house chore? Laundry, because you have to sort the whites from the colors.
I need some white people jokes! I would especially love to hear these from someone of a different race. It's my birthday and this would make it complete.
Whats long and hard and has cum in it ................... A cucumber :)
[me, leaving a funeral] That was fantastic. Let's do this again sometime.
Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses? They never show a prophet.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn't mean together.
I hate being bi-polar. It's AWESOME!
What does a crow with a cold sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph, caw-ph.
Never give a baby alcohol unless you want him to go on and on about, "the blacks." Racist fucking babies.
If we take a shower together and sing... Then we can do it while we duet
Today my boss fondled my genitals! Being self-employed is great.
They developed a new type of cough syrup for Elephants with bad tusks. They call it, Robituskin'.
Do you know how we know that Adam and Eve were white? Because even god doesn't have the balls to steal a rib from a black guy
What do you call it when you poop a little bit in your pants by accident? A shituation.
One of the benefits of being a hermit You're always the best-dressed man in the room.
MY HOT WIFE: want to go down on me? [three minutes later] *riding my wife down the water slide* YEAHHHH
What do you call Jewish folk from New Jersey? Orange juice.
Pizza is like sex When it's good, it's the best. When it's bad, it's still pretty good
I just had a meeting with John It was stressful and hes full of shit.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.
What did the blind, deaf, mute girl get for Christmas?? Cancer.
This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!" Alas, swine flu.
Why didn't the blond want to use her phone while using the bathroom? She was afraid someone would steal her IP address.
[OC] [NSFW] I've practised for years... I've practised for years and years, and I can now finally ejaculate across the room. It's amazing how far I can come.
I got charged with rape in the woods..... It's because I forest her.
What is a black person's least favourite breakfast! Pancake. K. K.  ^^^(Pan-K-K-K)
My father was a nun. Whenever he was up in court and the judge asked "occupation", he'd say "none". (From Blackadder Goes Forth, is this still eligible for /r/jokes?)
Do you know why russians always rush B? Because they already Russia.
You want to know why we couldn't put together an Eighties Music Festival? It was to much of a cluster-funk.
Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep.
What is owned by you but mostly... What is owned by you but mostly used by others? Your name! -
What did Captain Ahab say when he harpooned a whale's tail fin on the first try? "Well that was a fluke."
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking  I'm a frog What's wrong with that I think I'm going to croak
What do you get when you mix a communist and a capitalist? Bernie sanders
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Me: hello I've run out of toilet paper Front desk: oh I'm sorry for the inconvenience Me: oh no worries, but I've also run out of towels
Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still  look adorably cute.
How do you call a Jamaican mountain? High ground
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Did you hear about the cannibal that only ate beans? Human Beans.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola. Does anyone else get the feeling they don't know what ebola is?
What do you call a waterfall that's all dried up? A waterfell.
BE WARNED I am taking careful note of all of your sins and reporting back to God in my nightly prayers
Did you hear about the hockey game where all the players had leprosy? There was a face off in the corner.
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Syd" "Syd who?" "Dys Leiax"
There's no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that's been in the closet for a year.
Whenever I get out of an Uber I imagine cameras spinning around me and my shirt blowing up in slo-mo like I'm in a Michael Bay movie.
Vagina jokes aren't funny... Period.
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because Seven Eight Nine!
My son woke me last night and said "There's another daddy in the house!" I don't think he understands how gay marriage works.
Inside jokes [deleted]
girl - baby i am wet. Boy - want a paper towel? Girl - no, i want more then that ;) Boy - want 2 paper towels? Girl - no, baby i want something big and round ;) Boy - damn you want the whole roll?
How do you fit 20 Cubans in a shoebox? Tell them it floats!
I accidentally dumped white flour on my black labrador... ...now she's a greyhound.
What do you call it when a banana eats another banana? Canabananalism
That group of millionaires owned by that one millionaire is beating that other group of millionaires owned by that other millionaire. Yes!!!
Who's your Daddy? In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend "How's your daddy?" instead of "Who's your daddy?" and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...
Teacher: I see you don't cut your hair any longer. Fred: No sir I cut it shorter.
"Hit me," said the masochist. "No," said the sadist
God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn't have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer. Step 2: Print a 3D printer. Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet.
A baby was born with no eyes lids... So the doctors decided to circumcise him and use the skin to craft new eyes lids. They botched it though and he came out looking a bit cock-eyed.
Me: Let's go to Chipotle Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let's go to Chipotle
I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what. It's my new year resolution.
Nobody is saving anything on car insurance. We're all being ripped off.
She's a perfect 10 A 4 with a 6-pack under her arm.
so a polar bear walks into a bar and says: "i'd like a...................................... beer." and the bartender says: "hey man, what's with the big pause?"
Do steam rollers really roll  steam?
Why did God create man first? To give him a chance to speak...
What does GOP mean? "GOP" is onomatopoeic: it's the sound of anonymous penetration in public bathrooms late at night. -&amp;y
How does a secret agent have sex? He does it undercover!
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop, duh.
*leans out office door* Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch. *goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*
The girl I like checked me out today. I gave her money, and she gave me groceries.
What's the best part about twenty two year old wheels of cheese? There are twenty of them.
Why does an Ethiopian baby cry? He's having a midlife crisis.
A skeleton walks into a bar, he says, "gimme a beer, and a mop."
What do pedophile sex-tourists and napalm have in common? They can both strip a Vietnamese orphan in under a minute.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
What does a Mexican magician use? A magic Juan
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
What do doctors do with the foreskins from circumcisions? Sell them to gay guys as chewing gum.
I'm no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
"Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep." *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Success is like giving birth... everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.
#VALUE!
What does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall? Dam!
A Pirate walks into a bar with a paper towl on his head.... Bartender goes "Hey buddy whats with the paper towl on your head?" The Pirate replies "Arrr I got a bounty on me head."
You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.
A nerd found out about the iPhone 6S Plus. He then said, "6s+ what? Finish the equation!"
I promised to stop making dirty jokes But it's hard..so hard.
What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!
"I think we should feel other people." (Blind couple breaking up.)
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the Fresh Prince.
*takes a sip* this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet. "sir that's windex." yes, yes, ill take a bottle.
CNN News "Tree Falls On Bank" Does anyone know what branch?
What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his broken down car? Stop beating a dead hearse!
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
What do you get when you cross a Joke with a rhetorical question?
Pore jew:( What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when its in the oven.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
How do you feel when there's no coffee? Depresso.
"If you can't handle me at my diddliest, you don't deserve me at my doodliest." -Ned Flanders
[at wedding] "I now pronounce you husband and wife." Couple kisses *yelling from the back row "AWKWAAAARD"
Proctologists are like asstronauts... ...and their on a mission to ur-anus
Getting rejected by women? Try my new question: "If I were to ask you out, would you say no?" Sometimes it just feels good to get a "Yes".
Ever hear about the lost Vikings? Ask the Seahawks.
What's trumps favorite movie? Wall-e
Did you hear about the guy who ran over himself? He asked a kid to go across the street to get a pack of smokes, the kid said "No!", so he ran over himself.
How do you compliment a scarecrow? Tell him he's outstanding in his field!
A Classic Joke for all ages! Knock Knock.
I had a Menage a trois organised... There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
A clown opened the door for me today. It was a nice jester.
What word that starts with an "N" and ends with an "R" would you never want to call a black person Neighbor
Why are condoms transparent?
What are you doing tonight? Your wife.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.
Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard!
Why is George Clooney unhappy with his sex life now? Because he married her under the impression that Anal was her nickname
Doctor: It looks like you're pregnant Woman: I'm pregnant? Doctor: No it just looks like you are
My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding. He's not happy about it either.
It's not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Note: When you cut jeans into shorts, remember to wear the top half, not the bottom half. lol. these denim calf warmers tickle my legs.
If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting... ...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.
I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder.
*Farmer walks into job application Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn't have a computer. Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
My mom laughed when I said me and my brother Al were gonna build a car out of tacos... You should have seen her face when I drove Al pastor.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Love it how music can take you to another place . For example, One direction is playing in this restaurant so i'm going to a different one.
Doctor Doctor I think I'm an electric eel That's shocking!
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket. 'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'
[NSFW] I'm trying this new thing where I don't beat off It's hard
Most TV ads: men are dumb, women are annoying, you're stupid & that's great, eat this fatty, America!, 4-hr erections, you're so alone.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go? Me: Don't worry. It's gone. 6: To where? Me: It just disappeared 6: Isn't that a little bit fishy?
Why are Christians so bad at Trigonometry ? They're afraid of sin
Past, Present and Future walk into a bar... It was tense.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers.
"Hey Adam, can you get me some water?" "Sure I can, while I'm up and at 'em!"
What do you call a stupid arachnid? A spiDUUUUUUUR
What makes Skrillex skillful at the chemistry lab? He rocks at *dropping the base.*
TIL theres a supermoon on the 14th. ELI5: If it's so super, why doesn't it fly around in the sky? Oh, right... because it got paralyzed and died.
Why don't witches wear underpants? To get a better grip on the broom
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
It makes sense that Trump is into golden showers Republicans love trickle down economics
The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect. In the event of an armed attack, they will yell "Donald, duck!"
What do you call a person with no skin? Dead. Another anti-joke by the fabulous me. Surprisingly, nobody has down voted the first one yet.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Magic Johnson own everything, movies, gyms, restaurants, sports teams! What kind of aids he got? Financial aids?!?!
did you hear about what happened to Nike online shop It shut down by a d-dos
A man collapses in a busy street. Someome from the crowd shouts "Somebody call him an ambulance!" Suddenly, another voice calls out "You're an ambulance!"
So I'm Calling random stores & saying "Hey It's Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!".... There's got to be a Michael at one of these places...
I started a project to hire people with depression on my dairy farm... if there's one thing they're good at its milking it.
What is the title of the new Vietnamamese  cookbook ? 100 way to wok your dog.
What's the best thing about fucking twenty one year olds? There are twenty of them.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Why did Helen Keller fire her maid? Cuz she left the plunger in the toilet. - Jackie Martling
comic sans divorce papers
I bet women love the first dimension... It's allllllllllllllll length.
What's the worst thing about being Thai? Everyone automatically assumes you have a small dick, even though you're a female.
PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no! ME (going out into the world): I'm ready [literally no one offers me drugs ever]
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cherry ! Cherry who ? Cherry oh see you later !
Contrary to popular belief, Stalin was from Georgia, not Russia. Stalin wasn't Russian anywhere.
Why are Mens bathrooms usually to the left? Because women are right.
What do you call a woman with no legs? Disabled.
what kind of nut does Spock hate the most? pekhan
Boss: Did you take Mike's stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later? Me: WHAT!?! Noooo....wait, did he say yes?
I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.
I'm a chick magnet I repel.
Headlice are now resistant to the usual medical treatments.... The problem has scientists scratching their heads.
Me and the wife were having a row the other day when, all of a sudden, the strangest thing happened... Our canoe sank.
What did Josh say when asked if his sister was good in bed? "I Duggar."
Why do natives hate snow? Cause its white and its on their land.
1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction Go fuck yourself
I can tell my Girlfriends ass is getting bigger, She fits in my Wife's jeans.
How does a **real** man know when a woman is having an orgasm? Who gives a fuck?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids.
What happens when redditors die? RIP in box
How does NASA prepare for an organized event? They planet!
What's Tom Brady's favorite sport? Softball.
Recycler's remorse Crushing coca cola cans is soda pressing.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
You guys like jokes I hear, I got a joke for you. Women's rights....
Damn Reddit, Aren't you tired of this bullshit?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I'm quitting drinking for good Now I drink for Evil.
Justin Bieber's birth certificate... was an apology letter from the condom factory.
What do you get when you cross an iPad with a Christmas Tree? A PiNEAPPLE! Get it? ;-D
I called out my wife's name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won't do that again.
What's the national bird of Pakistan? US Army Drone
What's an African's least favorite appetizer? E - Bola Soup
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table... ...one full of water in case he gets thirsty, one empty in case he doesn't.
I often go to fancy dress parties dressed as a shark.... Quite honestly, the novelty is wearing a little fin
I met a really cool girl name Helicase, but there's a problem... ... she's always trying to unzip my genes.
If 5 black slaves had sex... Is it considered a threesome? I'm going to hell for this.
The welsh are making a remake of a popular Nicolas Cage film. Goat rider.
I'm thinking of going as a pimp for Halloween. Anybody know how the CEO of Wells Fargo dresses?
Wanna hear a racist joke? Donald Trump.
What starts with "p," ends with "s," and is really long? Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE! Dude: You're so whipped. Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.
What do you call a gigolo donkey? Hee-Haw
Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Why did the Mexicans only bring 5000 people to the Alamo? They only had two vans
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you'll ever meet in person.
It's sad that we live in a world where we'll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.
What does a guy from Philly dunk his pretzel in? a girl from Jersey.
What's worse than finding a worm on your apple? The Holocaust
Why doesn't Ganon use the Internet? There were too many Links.
Why did the computer cross the road? To get a byte to eat...
Where do computer scientists go to have a drink? To the foobar.
I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today. She was seeing other people.
What is a gay horse's favorite meal? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I'll ask again when he wakes up.
Your mama so hairy... ...the only soap she buys is shampoo.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I'm guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The U.K. has no money Sorry for poor English
Why don't chicken wear underwear? Because their pecker is on their face.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they've answered the first.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it's to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My new Thesaurus arrived today, and it's terrible. And another thing, it's terrible.
How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck.
So Donald Trump was pounding this chick and she started moaning "oh daddy!" Then he said, "I know I am your daddy Ivanka"
How many buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they enlighten themselves.
Nancy Reagan didn't have to die... But she said no to drugs.
To the man who just got naked in public I admire your balls
So a guy gave his friends 10 puns to try and make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
I like my coffee like I like my women Ground up and in the fridge.
Why is PMS called PMS? "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
What's E.T. short for? So he can fit in his spaceship.
Why is I such a controlling letter? Because I said so.
The teacher asked... - "Why did you bring your cat today Jimmy?" - He replied, crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school!'"
Scientists say four out of five people suffer from diarrhea... I'm just wondering, does that mean that *one* other person enjoys it?
Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it? (Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty.
Twitter, because I owe people on Facebook money.
I've been sober as far back as I can remember. Which is roughly 11 hours.
All the toilets have been stolen from Scotland Yard The police have nothing to go on
Don't settle for shampoo! Demand real poo!
There was an accident front of our house yesterday. A man completely lost his entire left side. Luckily the doctors Said he would be alright.
What do you call an unwanted sext? A molext.
How many Redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It doesn't matter, they'll just compliment it a lot and then complain because it won't screw.
By telling the punchline first How do you fuck up a joke?
What is the cruelest thing you can do to a blind person? 'Caution- Hot surface' in braille.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
What do you get when you cross an Italian with a gorilla? A retarded gorilla.
Why do golfers always bring an extra pair of trousers In case they get a hole in one
A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
"So you think you can dance." should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If there's an upset in the 2018 Russian Presidential elections, I'll never dine with a Russian again. They can't stop talking about going Putin-free.
Penises are like internet connections Having a big pipe is great, but it doesn't do you much good if you don't have any uptime.
Hope floats but corpses don't, so remember: bricks or 25 to life. Inspirational tweet.
After much debate comparing early black communities to modern during all these officer related shootings They have decided water hoses weren't so bad
What do Walruses and Tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal.
A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
Went to a restaurant. The sign said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
hey @BestBuy a worker here has a hole cut out of his polo for his nipple ring to show through. he says "it's new and needs to breathe"
Interview Tip: When you get the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question, don't say "post-apocalyptic tribal warlord".
Why do ghosts like going out? So they can drink boo-ze and get sheet-faced.
Y don't women grow beards? Coz it's in there jeans ;D
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and Lena Dunham? Lena Dunham wrote the book about it.
I'm not flirting with you. I'm just nice. Get over yourself. Except you. You get under me.
If there's 'Extra Virgin' olive oil, there has to be a 'Dirty Slut' variety as well
I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber "That's disgusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad."
Which presidential candidate is the most likely to cause cancer? Ben Carsonogen
I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".
My neighbor named his dog "Rolex"... He's a watch dog.
I don't trust anyone who doesn't count their donuts before leaving a drive-thru.
Why do hitman always wear gloves? because theyre always wacking guys off....
What is reddit's favourite country M'laysia (sorry, my friends and I are drunk and we think it's funny)
Why don't they have driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in Saudi Arabia? They don't want to overwork the camel.
If u ever can't get to sleep, think of your sex life. That's boring enough.
those damn vegans still drinking water?!?! That's a fish's house, you nasty savages!!
Whats a frogs favourite website?? REDDIT
I keep hoping one day I'll be stuck on a 6-hour flight next to Flavor Flav just so I can ask him what time it is every five minutes.
I bite my nails, but you would never be able to tell because I wear socks with my sandals
Your calculator will be there for you tomorrow... You can count on it.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
What's black and blue and hates sex? The boy scout in my trunk.
[first date] Her: I love your scent, what is it? Me: desperation.
Wife: Have you seen my razor? Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My girlfriend is really loud during sex. I don't know why, she knows nobody is coming to help her.
What kind of pickles does Miley Cyrus like in her relish? twerkins
A Maid Knocks On Her Master's Door Her master is busy talking on the phone She asks, "Sir would you like some juice?" He Replies "Give Me A Minute Maid"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amos ! Amos who ? Amos-quito!kn
What do you call drunken cunnilingus? Lick'er.
Weezer first to rustle jimmies? Say it aint so | ... (hint 1:06)
I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.
What do you call an Asian woman with a white boyfriend? A sex slave.
What's red and smells like green paint? Red paint
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
a little jewish boy asks his dad for fifty dollars. his dad says: "40 dollars? what do you need thirty dollars for?"
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he's not a full ese.
2 Nazis walk into a BAR They each get 10 shots
Kids are smarter than adults I believe that kids are much smarter than adults. Why? Because I don't know one kid who has a wife and a family.
It's not that hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart... ...One will see you later, whereas the other will see you in a while.
What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common They both take risks and get positive results
What's something a third wave feminist can't take? A joke.
My army buddy was jerking off one night. He was discharged by dawn.
What would you call an additional day added to the week? Sumday
Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?
Knock knock... "Who's there" "Ya mum"
Why couldn't the alcoholic become a lawyer? He just couldn't pass the bar.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Can God be an atheist? Yes, if he has low self esteem and stops believing in himself.
You're 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE A COP Ok, now that there are definitely no cops reading this...I'm trying to find some cocaine for this weekend guys
Did you know that Polish aircraft do not have seats on the right side of airplane? Because poles in the right hand plane are unstable.
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum? Too many frames.
What did the stormtrooper say when he was frying Luke's aunt and uncle? I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning Beru.
What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy? Edit: Whoops wrong sub.
[NSFW] What kind of birds do prostitutes like? Swallows.
What do you call a newborn with 3 arms? Not mine
[REQUEST] Jokes about tall people ?
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs! Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!
What does an Ethiopian eat for breakfast? sand.
Police Officer: "Turn around!" Me: *sings* "Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round..."
I'm the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.
What do you call a flying dinosaur who always gives you a chance? A Fairodactyl
lower my casket into the ground and play "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
What is the common enemy of frostbite victims and dairy products? Lack-toes Intolerance.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In a mirror.
Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like "for your next divorce" or "clothes that make you feel skinny".
I just got this twitter error: "The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it." Apparently, twitter thinks we're married.
What do you call a black priest? ...holy shit im not racists or anything
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber's 'What Do You Mean?' was 2015's best song. The "...which wouldn't happened without me" tweet coming soon.
"Good artists copy. Great artists steal." \- Me
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
What do you call a black woman in space? An astronaut, you douchebag.
Elephant 911: What's ur em- Elephant: MOUSE Elephant 911: WHERE Elephant: FLOOR Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE [table breaking noises]
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn't have to hear her say she's done.
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey.
What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
Our office couldn't afford a paper shredder so we just have a room with a pissed off badger in it that we toss documents we don't need into
How does Yoda spend his time. He mostly just sits on his log, watching the Dagobah.
The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.
A pirate walks into a bar... ...With a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Is that a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!
What did the Calvinist say after he fell down the stairs? "Well, glad I got that over with."
What kind of meat do vegan priests eat? Nun!
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says: "Man I wish I could do that" The other guy replies: "Ya, you may want to pet him first"
A farmer counted up all of his cows and found that he had 196 of them But when he rounded them up he had 200
Moses was computer savvy.. ..He had two tablets!
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google "Fatal Engine Error:38" & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks
Why do toilets flush after getting pissed on? They get embarrassed.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. I'm sorry.
Does Caitlyn even have a vagina? "No, she has a *Vajenner.*"
There are only 2 branches of the military... There are only 2 branches of the American Military: the Army &amp; the Navy The Air Force is a corporation. The Marines are #*?&amp; cult.
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk right into a bar. The Buddhist ducks.
Please just wear the strap-on. It was a gift from Grandma and she wants to see you in it, OK? Come ON church starts in like half an hour.
What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla? The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Canadian spelling is different from American spelling For example they spell the days of the week as Mondeh, Tuesdeh, Wednesdeh...
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.
Did you hear about the woman who tried to join ISIS? I heard jihad a bad time time.
Why do you call these girls broads? Cause I don't wanna be specific
? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be... ? Wait, hang on...my bad, those are vultures.
Oscar Pistorious That sounds like a spell Harry Potter uses to make your legs fall off
A guy ran into a bar... ...he had to be hospitalized.
What's China's national colour? Censo-red.
A thief broke into my house last night He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
What is common between a priest and acne? Both start cumming on your face when you turn 13.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
An authoritarian was caught speeding the other day. When asked why he was going so fast he said he, "put his foot down."
For those of you who try to build a pool by digging a pit in the ground, what liquid should you add instead of chlorine? Holey water.
How do you tell if water is true or false? Bring it to a bool.
A good book is like a good puppy. Easy to pick up but hard to put down.
There are 10 types of people. Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who did not expect this to a base 3 joke.
Whats the most politically divided animal? The polar bear.. I'll see myself out...
Her: I'm pregnant Me: WHAT? H: Just kidding M: You scared me half to death H: My mom is coming to stay with us M: *the other half dies*
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman  marry three times.
Shakespeare was gay... How else was he so good with his tongue?
Time flies like an arrow.. Fruit flies like a bananna
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA's. It's surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
What does a rich guy from Israel wear? Jewelry.
What do you call a dyslexic insomniac philosopher? A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's too tired!
A feminist got drunk at lunch, accused her boss of coming on to her, and slapped him in the face. She got loaded, triggered, and fired.
What do 9/10 people enjoy? Gang rape
Why did the chicken cross the road? so it could get to the other side
Why do gnomes laugh when they go for a run? Because the grass tickles their balls. Merry Christmas!
in a gay bar WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN SOMEONE FARTS IN A GAY BAR? A: A PICK UP LINE
My daughter demanded she be treated like a princess... so I married her off to secure an alliance with the French.
A Jewish son asks his father for fifty dollars.. The father responds, "forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
How do you call a cross-dressing father of two? Transparent
[Checking in at Comic Con] Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay? Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked "Casual"*
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
What do you get when you plant a loaf of bread? A bakery.
If there is anything that chicken noodle soup and DayQuil won't cure, it's probably like, really serious or something.
What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male.
Christian Singles sounds like a Kraft product.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from
How is American beer comparable to having sex on a boat? It's fucking close to water.
Why does Peter Parker main spy in tf2? Because SPY DA MAN!
An unemployed guy gets a call from the lady at the Employment agency Lady : I have two openings for you. Guy : I know. The lady hangs up.
How do elves spell? With an elfabet.
What's similar between a racehorse and a leaky faucet? They're both off and running.
Why are Norwegian women so hot? The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones!
Why does Bruce Willis always play the bald guy?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can't see him 9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles* me *hits him in the face with the door*
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose? WRONG. Neither. Don't ever take my candy.
Every now and then I like to do a complete check of my financial situation. Yep, still nothing'.
My car was making this annoying sound . . . . . . so I went to see a mechanic. Me: My car is making an annoying sound. Mechanic: Easy fix. Reach over. Open the door. And push her out.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves.
IHTGYATSWTFIM = I had to Google your acronym to see what the fuck it meant.
I'm great at signalling for help on a sinking ship.. Just got a flare for it.
How many JokeExplainBots does it take to change a lightbulb? **Lightbulbs** are easily threaded by one person, **usually** with one hand. Doot.
What is a pirates favorite letter? Arrrr, but his true love be the sea
How do you know when your dad just got a blowjob? You can taste it in your sister's mouth.....
Why did the nun get a free hot dog at the fair? Because she spontaneously performed fellatio on the hot dog salesman. This made him feel charitable.
Why is Friday the best day of the week? Its the 5/7 day of the week
A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane And the flight attendant says to him, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion."
If Obama was in Mortal Kombat... He'd be called "Baraka Obama"
Come Party! I tried to host a bukakke party...          but nobody came.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it ? Nothing it just let out a little wine !
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
How do you call the mexican who lost it car? Carlos
[My Wedding] Me: I do Guests: Awww Me: Or do I? Guests: Ooooo
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
What did water say when it found out hydrogen is a diatomic? H2? Oh!
I try not to beat live horses, either
The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later"
Help. All the girls on Tinder say if you're only looking for sex, swipe left. It's not working
There will never be a 'Previously on' preview where my stoner husband doesn't say, 'We've seen this one.'
What's the difference between Karate and Judo? Karate is a martial art and Judo is used to make bagels.
Vagina jokes are not funny... Period.
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole??? A 30 foot cock that helps you reach out and touch someone!
I used to work at a public swimming pool But I got fired because every time I saw an Islamic family I pointed to the no bombing sighn
[ER: Goth Unit] Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Police have just been called to a kindergarten... ...where a three-year-old is resisting a rest.
My 6' tall female friend complains that she can't ever find pants long enough to fit. Try Amazon.com
"I probably shouldn't have said that out loud" -a biography
Guess who I bumped into today at the opticians? Everyone.
I'll eat when I'm dead - zombies
"Your finest Scotch, please." "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a **great** year.
The internet was down at work today. I got about 7 months worth of work done out of boredom.
Q: What is the lightest thing in the world? A: A penis because just a thought can lift it
What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
My orgasm face looks like I'm opening a jar of pickles.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage :(
Respect If you use the term "respectively" respectfully or you use the term "respectively" disrespectfully, I have a lot of respect for you and I disrespect you, respectively.
[nsfw] What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree? 1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
What do cats listen to during their free time? they listen to podcats.
How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training.
"Raiders" are changing their name to "Tampons" They're only good for one period and only have one string
How many bad joke tellers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden.
What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it.
Me: How are you? Coworker: I can't complain. Me: *sticks finger in his coffee* Coworker: I just paid for that! Me: I knew you were lying.
What's green and furry and smells like pig? Kermit the Frog's finger
What do you call a lemon that has sex with its family? In*zest*uous
I like my women like I like my beard Big, bushy, and sitting on my face.
1) Lick tip. 2) Stick it in gently. 3) Pump 12-20 times. 4) Sweat profusely. 5) Pull out gently. -Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I can't make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you're too fat to be loved by anyone else.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with dysentery? One of them shucks between fits.
How many reposts does it take to change a subreddit? More than we have now. This sub is still shit.
*hairstylist holds mirror behind my head after styling my hair* "Is that ok for you sir?" "Yes that is a beautiful mirror. I'll take it"
My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her. Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.
Judge: Do you mix horse meat with chicken? Defendant: Yes, my lord..... Judge; How much. Def: 50:50 Jud: Please elaborate. Def: **One horse to one chicken.**
Whats the last thing that went through Sally's mind after jumping from a skyscraper? Her ankles.
Why do they make Raisin Bran commercials? For raisin bran awareness.
I am racist. fuck NASCAR.
A guy walks into his house holding a goat. He says "This is the pig I've been fucking." His wife says "What are you stupid? That's a goat!" He says "I wasn't talking to you."
What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was? Blue, you racists
Replace someone's MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you'll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Why is the moon so dark? Because the sun beat the daylights out of it. :D
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean* You're free now
what has videos about it, is black and has white all over it a black fucked girl
Thought this up at work, prolly not funny, whatcha call it when a jew with Jiu-Jitsu skills fights you? Jewhitsyou.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes... He'll just fire them
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
*gets pulled over* Officer: how high are u Me: no officer, it's hi, how are u
Rhonda is my type of woman... She finishes before I do!
My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!
What do Wolverine and Bruce Jenner have in common? They are both X-Men
Yo mama so ugly she got beat up by her imaginary friends
As someone who didn't win a lot of awards, I enjoyed going to the dentist it was one of the few times I was recognized by plaque
a guy walks into a bar... ...says "ouch"
Humans are constantly amazing me; like how vegan is a thing but hibernation isn't? Wtf.
When is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-Hurty
How do you tell if Donald Trump is in your house? I sas Donald Trump today in my house, he had a gun.
When a bull wants to listen to a cassette what does he put on his head? Steer phones!
The FineBros remind me of a movie villian... ...they revealed their master plan via monologue and were stopped before they could end the world.
My jokes should be written on lollipop sticks So you can only see them if you suck as much as they do
Serious question: Are doctors SURE erectile dysfunction isn't just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled "Maybe it's not us, it's you..."
I think I'm overcoming dyslexia. I learned a new abbreviation today: DNA, or National Dyslexic Association.
Have you heard about the recent wave of Saudi emmigration to Pennsylvania? No? Yeah, well it's quite big - there was even a popular documentary series on it... "It's always Sunni in Philadelphia."
Why is Microsoft skipping Windows 9? Because Windows 7 8 9
When God created china he knew he would never have to make anything else again.....
what never gets old? a miscarriage.
The police came to my house earlier and said my dog had chased someone on a bike... I said, "You must be joking, officer. My dog doesn't have a bike!"
I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me
Are you guys OK? I haven't heard from you all year.
They're not called grammar nazis anymore. They're the Alt-Write.
What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ... but doesn't understand maths. - Mike Birbiglia
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers: 1. Remind you of beer in the freezer 2. Pizza rolls 3. Notify guests when their time's up & they should leave
I like to think of myself as the Martha Stewart of slobs.
Terms Of Sex Satisfaction. In Terms Of Sex Satisfaction Woman Is Like A Road &amp; Man Is Like A Traveler The Traveler Gets Tired But The Road Never Ends.
A redneck goes to a family reunion and says "Honey, I'm home!"
[offensive] jews KNOCK KNOCK Who's there Nazi Nazi who? Who killed the jews? Natz me.
A man walks into a bar... And is disqualified from the Limbo tournament
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[1st time on phone with a girl] I've got butterflies in my stomach It's so cute that you're nervous [eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
What's do you get when you mix a zebra and a donkey? I am not sure but I think it will come out a bit zonkey
Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend.
I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.
RANGER: Remember, don't feed the bears ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE'S RIPPING ME APART! RANGER: What did I just say!?
A police facial artist tried drawing a suspect's face... It was a bit *sketchy*
My grandmother was just diagnosed with Parkinson's disease She looks pretty shaken up about it
I decided to burn some calories today.. ...So I lit a fat kid on fire
What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ? Your spinning me a yarn here !
I jumped into the pool with my iPhone.... It's syncing now
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? ...Irrelephant.
dave chappelle as a BLACK WHITE SUPREMACIST http://www.shortform.com/chocolatethunder/weheartcomedy/dave-chappelle-black-white-supremacist
What's the smallest thing in the universe? A pebble caught between the wrinkle of a flea's ball.
There is no Turkey in the coop. But there's a coup in Turkey.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.
A guy runs into a bar at light speed and asks the bartender for whatever's on tap. Thirty seconds later, the bartender asks he wants to drink.
Government Shutdown: Day Two Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do. Watches all 5 seasons of "The Wire". Totally gets the hype now.
I don't have black, Mexican, or Asian friends... But some of my friends are a bit more shady than others.
I woke up this morning, and I've got the worst hangover.... ..... the sequel.
What do you give a teenage girl who can't even? A two-torial!
Did youhear about the Newfie abortion clinic? It's so busy there's a twelve month waiting list.
Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur? A: An Idontthinkhesaurus.
Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory? Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Saw a tv for sale on eBay for 5. Only problem was the volume button was broken..... How can I turn that down?
What does a man with a 10 inch dick eat for breakfast? Well today I had bacon, fried eggs, toast, and milk.
Im trying the new Vodka diet... Lose 3 days every week
"Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving" "Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids"
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don't be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
After the initial energy surrounding lithium's arrest... Charges were dropped, due to lack of connection.
Son:Dad's trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet? Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Women: Let me over-think everything you just said, connect them to things you said years ago and pick a fight about it when you least expect
What is the best way to manage a full inbox? Hillary Clinton
I passed my hepatitis test with flying colours! I got an A, two B's and a C!
What's the code name for a nitrogen molecule? Double 07.
When is the only time a Muslim bets? When there is a prophet involved.
Honey, since I met you, I have never been able to love anyone else. Why don't we get a divorce?
What did Naruto say at his mentor'a funeral? Bereave it.
You know Collin Kapernik? Can't stand that guy.........
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Ted Cruz? Heidi cannot swing a golf club.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen. Kitchen has the food, guys
I was pulled over by a female officer today When she approached my car window I asked what's wrong officer? She said "ugh nothing!"
Did you hear about the three Mexicans who robbed a bank? One of them was captured but the other two vanished without a tres.
Why do most chicken coups have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors, it'd be considered a chicken sedan!
Why should you never buy Russian jeans? Chernobyl fallout
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 always follows 6!
Why Chinese vet never hungry? Dog have rice.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one *tale*
What did the Mooslim say to the Nazi? Don't you hate it when a few bad apples make us all look bad?
I was feeling under the weather... so i got on a plane.
Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or  a tiger? I'd rather have him chase the tiger.
That chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.
Why do Seagulls Fly over the Sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be Bagels
why is 6 afraid of 7? 7 ATE 9.
A terrible name for an R&B group would be Boyz IV Men.
I just found out that my UPS guy is a monkey... ...and he's driving me bananas!
What kind of medicine do Ants use when they have eye problems? Ant-Eye Biotics (Dad joke, I know)
How many Filipinos can you fit on a jeepney? One more.
Why don't seagulls fly in the bay? Because they don't want to be bagels.
I like my women how I like my coffee... Cheap, and from a third world country
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
What's the Difference between 3 dicks and a Joke? Your mom can't take a joke
How did hitler rise to power? He didn't everyone else just fell.
A guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Your honeymoon can't be going that great if you're incessantly instagramming photos of it?
My deaf girlfriend just told me to fuck off. That's not a good sign.
Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween? Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.
Why did the pickle stop being a contortionist? It was to cucumbersome.
Why did King Kong join the army? To learn about gorilla warfare.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
How do you make a little boy cry twice? (NSFW) You wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear
A programming genius named Sewter Built a limerick-writing computer The metre was fine And the rhymes quite divine But for some reason it always got the last line wrong
a culture caught between afraid of being seen as too expressive like a hipster or completely inexpressive like a basic person
I'm trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he's pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Knock Knock... Who's there? To. To who? To whom*
Islamic Settlers of Catan Everytime you get a sheep you also get wood
So my girlfriend asked me to make love to her like in the movies.... So I pulled out and busted all over her face....apparantly we don't watch the same movies
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock.... I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds. I'm here all day..
Running and Cars He who runs in front of car gets tired. He who runs behind car gets exhausted.
No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
Why should you never let a squirrel give you a blow job? Cause beastiality is wrong.
Me: Whatcha doin? 7: a stupid math paper Me: why stupid? 7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt'd me...... You just rt'd a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.
Beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful.
Indians are better with computers because they are the 1's who invented 0's
Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail? It's pretty much a downward spiral.
If I'm extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it's cause I've forgotten your name
Why did the man bring his jar of jam to the abortion clinic? He had trouble unscrewing it.
What's the worst part about giving your dad a blowjob? His dick tastes like your brothers asshole! (ba dum tiss)
How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face? I forgot to wet the soap.
Your mom's like a shipping warehouse. "Deliveries in the rear. "
What do you call a security blanket for a mentally handicapped person? A downs comforter.
So it is my anniversary I couldn't think of what to get her... But I finally settled on a plunger, because bitches love bringing up old shit
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you're sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.
They say snapple is made from the best stuff on earth... But that's bullshit; I looked at the ingredients, I didn't see pussy or beer anywhere.
Change your Facebook Status to "I'm Pregnant" or "I'm Engaged" and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away.
What's the best thing a Star Wars fan would like to find in his garden? Princess Leia with her tits out
What's so lame about a duck President? Pieces of bread, quacking, getting into all types of duck antics in the Oval Office! I'm game!
"Jiro dreams of sushi" is one of the most popular Netflix documentary's What's the least popular documentary? Jiro nightmares of assrape
Did you hear about the woman who got wooden implants? It would be funny if this joke had a punchline. Wooden tit.
The depressing thing about tennis is that you'll never be as good as a wall
If guys think with their penises, what does a guy say to a girl after a date? Blow my mind.
My successful pancake business was recently shut down Someone tipped off the police that I was selling them hot
What is Rihanna's favorite song? "I can't feel my face when i'm with you"
I'm white but I'm not "exterminate or enslave millions of indigenous peoples then rewrite history into a bullshit heroic narrative" white
[under heavy sniper fire] Platoon leader: where's that sniper fire coming from? Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I like cheese Just like cheese man
What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox? If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
I dont downvote It's bad karma.
the other day, I got into a car accident. A midget got out of the other car and said "I'm not happy!" I said "Well, than which one are you?"
Doctor doctor I'm having difficulty sleeping.  Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed. Oh I'm all right at night it's in the day I have problems.
[requst] may someone help me with a joke include 'mi' word, I know you guys are awesome. Here is one pj example http://i.imgur.com/N0CXg6o.jpg It would almost same or better.
What's a mailmans favorite organ? Da Liver
What does Dick Cheney call rape? Enhanced Seduction Techniques.
Hey Joe, did you return that axe to Frank? Yes. And what did he say? Yaaaaauh!
breakfast in bed? babe I thought you said brofest in bed. *gestures at chad and brad to leave* *whispers* we can still play frisbee later.
They say rejection is a hard pill to swallow... But it's just practice for the 60 pain killers later.
I bet Sherlock Holmes rocked the shit out of elementary school.
My favorite exercise at the gym is lateral neck turns, which is where I walk in, shake my head "no," and leave immediately.
Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn't have known they had a torso.
Wife has 5 hours to live Doctor: I am sorry, your wife is with us for only 5 more hours. Husband: No need to be sorry. I have survived 20 years of marriage.. what's 5 more hours!
To the girl who wore a white dress to the wedding I went to this weekend, good for you for not needing people to like you
I just bought a new weed whacker. It's cutting-hedge technology.
I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.
If "the big one" hits L.A., they say the sewer system will be out of commission for six months. So how will they tell?
Knock knock joke from my 10 year old cousin. Knock knock. **Who's there?** Police. **Police who?** Police let me in, its cold out here!
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers.
A criminal tried to escape federal jurisdiction by running across the southern border, but then he had a sudden realization.. He was in Tasmania
Why did the guy at the trainyard get struck by lightning? He was an excellent conductor
Yearly reminder: unless you're over 60, you weren't promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
What do you call soup that you've found a hair in? Rabbit Soup :D
If i had two number 9s for every gender that exists I would have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45's, one with cheese, and a large soda.
making holy water is easy.... you boil the hell out of it but how to you turn that holy water back into regular tap water? You cook the bejesus out of it. *bejesus may be a local slang but i hope not.
[spelling bee] Your word: Spelunking "U-N-K-I-N-G"
Why couldn't I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba-dum tss
What's the only bank franchise that doesn't have ATMs? Sperm banks.
What do you call an arrogant prisoner walking down the stairs? Condescending. ;)
You know how they say "you are what you eat"? I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning
Hear About the Restaurant on the Moon? Hear about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing indians.
Thanks but I don't need help in your store or any other store. I've been in a ton of stores. I know how they work.
Han solo vs Redditor Han: NEVER tell me the odds! Redditor: I don't even.
Job Interview "It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?" "36" "That's not even close!" "But it was quick!"
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV. Now you're ready to have kids.
Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.
A lawyer walks into a bar... He passes.
My wife died last week It's ironic because her zodiac symbol was cancer. She was killed by a giant crab
Which country has the cheapest prostitutes? Vietnam. Because over there you need 20840 dongs to make a dollar.
A man and a boy are walking through a dark forest. The boy says to the man "I'm scared." The man says, "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? Start swimming
*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*
What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.
What's the difference between Einstein and Kim Kardashian? Einstein is famous for special relativity, Kim is famous for simple reality tv.
I love using those really powerful bathroom hand dryers, because I get to see what it would look like if my hands went skydiving.
I always dump a gatorade on my head before I leave the house so people think I just won sports.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the "caulk"
CNN writer: how's this - my phone is missing. CNN exec: meh Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode! *CNN exec absolutely loses it*
Q: What can save a dying blonde? A: Hair transplants.
*date leans in* Tell me something I don't know about you. *I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
What did the penis say to the testicles? There's a vas deferens between us
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
A woman once asked me for 9 inches and said to make it hurt So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the mouth.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
A kleptomaniac was walking down the street one day and I saw a man waving a white stick.. so he stole it when the man wasnt looking..
There are two fish in a tank... ...and one says to the other, "how do we drive this thing?"
I seared steaks in our home without adequate ventilation. Now there's a delightful and very visible meat cloud hanging over us.
Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly walk into a bar Or do they?
Never date a Theater person... ... wayyy too much Drama...
[hospital] DOCTOR: you're ok ME: so it was just a dream DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Kind of a kid joke What kind of cereal do zombies like? Kellog's All Brain
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
How do you find blind man on a nudist beach? It's not hard
"It's just bananas, bananas, bananas with you," the wife shouted. "If I told you I was going to leave you because of this ridiculous obsession, what would you say?" "Well, thanks a bunch," I replied.
If you were a pole I would dance all over you.
I'm good at 3 things: counting and ironic jokes and punchlines.
Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.
If a man shaves his arms and legs... He probably shaves his pussy, too.
What do you call a cow with no front legs?  Lean Beef
Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.
What do you call a horse that's a criminal? A Zebra.
My problem with self-deprecation... is that I suck at it.
Knock knock -Honda. -Honda who? -*Honda the wings of love*
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee, and an immediate cessation of funding.
What's thr difference between the chinese and racism? Racism has many faces.
"Whoa nice car" Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels [whispers to friend] "What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires"
Why so serious? A lady asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup. I told her it depends ... on whether she was trying to kill Batman or not.
Why can you never catch an economist masturbating? They use an invisible hand.
"to my son, i leave my bathroom scale" the lawyer sighs "because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five"
When you're in a Google Drev with the KKK So today I was working in groups with the KKK :^) http://imgur.com/mNG0RMi
To all future Canadian inmigrants: Mexico welcomes you!
My friend told my that onion was the only food that made people cry.. So I threw a coconut at him
French Joke Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Where did Susie go when her town got bombed? Everywhere.
German sausages, eh? They're the Wurst!
How do you call a sad coffee? A depresso... get it?
We all know how Bill cheated on Hillary with Monica Lewinsky. Well, did you hear that Hillary cheated on Bill with somebody named Ben Ghazi?
[knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
1. Invite snowmen into your conference room. 2. Turn up heat. 3. Negotiate on YOUR terms.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree? bored. ha^ha
I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....
Cops think i am worth the chase...apparently.
BREAKING NEWS: New iPad Will Do Same Sh*t other iPads Already Do!
I love you A man had 'I love you' tattooed on his dick. When he came home, he proudly showed his wife, who said "there you go again, trying to put words into my mouth"
I'm nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
"Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?" [from the bushes] "No"
What is the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? Ironman is a superhero, Ironwoman is a command.
Don't worry, everyone else is as confused as you, I swear.
I like to be frank and earnest with women. In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.
Today I'm cancer free! And all the days before that, but it still counts.
When do Astronauts eat? Launch Time
Pretty woman wouldn't have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain ;)
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired...and all of Target went silent.
What would people call Ryan Lochte if he went to jail? Ryan Locht-up
*takes a picture of mother nature* MOTHER NATURE: delete it
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk. Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I'm terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill,  Rent, Car Insurance.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I've sold lots - my tv, my car, my jewellery...
To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke. My apologies for taking a break. It won't happen again!
The closest I've come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I'm getting weighed.
SpaceX won't be drinking Champagne tonight. Every time they pop the cork it ends up back where it started...
What goes on forever with no head? A loveless marriage.
Did you know that Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin? That he built.
Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.
What did the bartender say to the giraffe when he ordered a beer? Long neck or giraffed?
what do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs a condescending con descending
Did you hear about that promising new male porn star? His studio described him as "up and cumming".
Time travelers never have a good excuse for being late.
My ex-wife is a Virgo... But to me, she'll always be a Cancer...
Did you hear about the baby that was born with three knees? He was born with a left knee, a right knee, and a little wee-knee
I made a joke about someone getting knocked out... ...but I forgot the punchline.
Liverpool football club
Friend: Hey guess what? Me: What? Friend: No, guess! Me: I don't need this friendship that bad.
So a guy named Steve asked how well he did during making an Apple product. "You did good Job!" Sad the person he asked.
I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today. That was the joke.
What do you call a space alien in a hoodie? Treyvon Martian
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk. Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What? M: Your father was plastic. T: But - M: It's true. You're a mixed bag.
How do you tell the time in the US? By looking at a bomb
I've started calling my penis "Elbow" Because it's hard, flexible, and it's rude to have it out on the table during dinner
How do you see countries neighboring Russia? Ukraine your neck.
Wanna hear a good joke? You.
When a teacher closes his eyes why should it  remind him of an empty classroom? Because there are no pupils to see!
What do you call a routed Greek army? A Failanx
Inside Out 2: The girl enters puberty. Her emotions get out of control. She goes Goth. Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
What is the male cover band of The Cranberries called? Boysenberries
Duct Tape Won't Fix Stupid. But it will gag the sound.
a Rabbi, an accountant, a banker, and a doctor walk into a bar mitzvah
"For a really awkward time, call me." -me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Why dosn't Jesus christ play hockey? Because he'd always get nailed into the boards
How are pimples and a priest different? Pimples don't come on your face until you are 12.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use a bathroom? The p is silent.
Joke Police arrested a drunkard &amp; askd: Where r u going.. Man: I-m going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking. Cop: Who-ll lecture at midnight .. Man: My wife..
Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne. I assume it was something she ate.
When I'm at the pool, hopefully girls see the scratches on my body and assume I'm a great lover, and not that I enjoy giving cats piggybacks
What's 11q minus 1q? You're welcome.
When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.
The other day my friend threw up grapes.... And wouldn't stop wine-ing about it
So my japanese girlfriend dumped me the other day.. .. Oh well, theres plenty more in the sea.
What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock? "Look Grandpa, no hands!"
I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.
How did experts know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her Head &amp; Shoulders in the glove compartment.
A man walked into his bedroom and saw his wife cheating on him with an Indian man... The man yells "is this some kind of Sikh joke?"
Chief Running Water had two sons. What were their names? Hot and Cold.
What do jews and people of GTA have in common? You get chased if you have a star
Why did the forgetful Mexican cross the road? To get to the other side... err, no it was to pick up the laundry... nope, to get groceries? I forget.
Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence... For instance: "Ben is in a hurry." "Ben is in a coma."
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing's happened to him, I'm just sad to hear about him.
How do moms from West Virginia know when their daughters start their period? Their son's dick starts tasting like blood
An Indian man on his death bed. "Sanjita, my wife, are you here?" "Yes, my husband.""My son and daughter, are you here?" "Yes, Papa.""Then who's in the fucking shop?"
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking behind a 3rd grader. The priest says "hey we should screw that kid" The rabbi says "outta what?'
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I'm murdered because I don't want him to remarry #truelove #tips
Wife: "Bad day?" Me: "Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid." Wife: "Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold."
A blessing It is a blessing to hear "Jesus loves you." In an American prison, but in a Mexican prison... Oh boy.
Doctor Joke 'What's the diagnosis doctor?' 'What is your zodiac sign?' 'Cancer.'   'What a coincidence!'
4pm Me: How was school today? Kid: ... 6pm Me: Do anything fun today? Kid: ... Bedtime Me: Goodnight! Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My son asked me to get a tartan shirt for his birthday. So far I've only got him the prostitute.
Hey super sassy black women. I see you. But most importantly, I hear you. And everyone else does too.
What do you get if you cross a rapist with a tractor? Fertilizer
Why should you leery of stairs? Because they are always up to something.
It's impossible to say "mesh" without sounding like Sean Connery... Also you just tried it.
A hillbilly tells his parents he won't marry his fiance because she is a virgin. "If she isn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours!"
Why is the UK suddenly a happy place? Because now they too have a day to light fireworks on!
"Honey, let's have a baby." - a cannibal couple discussing dinner plans.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that's how the fight got started.
Did you know that it's traditional to serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
What the lifelong atheist said when he reached the Pearly Gates. I'll be damned!
I'm no architect, but I don't think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.
Why was the heroin dealer arrested at the basketball game? He was talking smack.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $40 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren't going anywhere.
What do you get when you combine a recliner with a fruit? A chairy.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
How many republicans does it take so screw in a light bulb? None, Obama's already screwed it for you. (Thanks, Obama)
Why couldn't Mewtwo move? There was too much friction.
Good friends are like balloons.... ....if you stab them they die
My teacher was gone today on strike... How rude, she has no class!
What do you call a gamer girl on her period? Red ring of death.
I still enjoy sex at 68. I only live at number 66 - it's no distance.
My girlfriend started biting her lip to look sexy... How do I tell her it's supposed to be the bottom lip?
Why did the blind girl fall into the well? She couldn't see that well.
I'm not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
"The club can't even handle me right now." What, like structurally? Should we call an engineer? Evacuate? Advise.
What do they call a monastery key that opens all doors? Monk key
In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing "K" instead of "OK"?
I met a girl with 12 nipples today... Sounds fun. Dozen Tit?
How did Hitler lose weight quickly ? Juice cleanse.
Dirty: What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
Why being called handsome is an insult When you have a 3 way, it's called a threesome When you have a 2 way, it's called a twosome When you have a 1 way, it's called a handsome
My car's tank is on E and I'm still driving... Call me crazy, but I think I just beat the system!
I asked my soap who it voted for, it said... I'd lather not say! note: This one came to me in the shower just now, gotta go back in now. Oh, the irony! I think. ~Skip
A woman is on trial for murdering her husband. "So ma'am, first offender?" "No! First a Gibson, THEN a Fender."
I got sacked today from my job as a stage designer. But I left without making a scene
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai doesn't like the flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi doo
"I wish some random guy from India would DM me!" -no girl, ever
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie. (sounds like way up high)
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.
And the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here." A man walks into a bar.
Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you. Me: WHY? YOU THINK I'M 8 OR SOMETHING? Her: No, sorry... Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.
[at dentist] so your X-rays look grea- *phone rings* hold on *on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok so as I was saying you have several cavities
*handshake* wow, soft hands! u must've never worked a day in ur life [coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] "u dont know me."
Don't step outside tonight at 11:59pm You might not make it back till next year
Did you know Jesus had a Ford That's why he walked everywhere
I told a riddle to a double amputee once Boy did it leave him stumped
What did one tampon say to another tampon? Nothing, They were both stuck-up bitches.
"There will be snacks." - someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I can't stop telling people how modest I am.
Old zombies never die... they just rot away.
What's the opposite of quantum physics? Logic. (If you don't like physics jokes, just keep movin') ...(if you don't like math jokes, trust me, sometimes it makes a difference).
"You hang UP." "No, YOU hang UP." - Movie theater workers arguing about hanging movie poster for Up.
I don't know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I fucking guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
The best curve on a girl is her smile. Lol just kidding, look at dat ass.
I live off my music and the pain it inflicts on others.
There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, "am I sexual?" & they're like, "yeah."
The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.
How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.
"Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."
I get asked why I have a scar on my ass. The coat hangar missed.
Wow my pants are really loose today *skips to the nearest vending machine*
We shouldn't be donating money to 'Doctors without Borders' We should donate borders instead
7am: *starts diet* 7pm: *eats the house*
I'm a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.
Why are chemists always a part of the problem? Because they can never be a part of the solution.
TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.
You know why yoga is so unpopular for men? Well women don't mind muff diving but dudes don't like to suck their own dicks.
Christmas in Latvia Is Christmas man have present! He open, find rotten potato. Wife die of malnutrition night that.
Typical day Just saw Denzel Washington on the street and said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?" And he's all like "I'm not Denzel you racist piece of shit." Classic Denzel.
70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old. Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
I got silver for cheating on my wife. I'm always medalling in affairs.
Show me someone who says "once you try black you never go back" and I'll show you someone who's never had an overripe banana.
3 potatoes are in a corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute? You look at the one with the sticker that says, I DA HO.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
When Karma comes back to punch you in the face...I'll be there...just in case it needs help.
You say you don't eat a lot of fast food but it kinda looks a little like you do.
What's Rick Ross's favorite nursery rhyme? Ring Around the Rooooozaaay.
What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps  at thin air? Collecting his thoughts.
2016 started with the death of a gorilla ...and is ending with the death of a Guerilla
Objects on twitter may appear funnier than they are.
Even at my age, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though.
What happens if you castrate a corn cob? It becomes a eunuchcorn.
Dear Middle Finger, Thanks for always sticking up for me.
I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
Your face on Facebook and twitter : ( `) . In real life : ( () )
Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up.
What is the worst way to find out you just came into money? via sticky notes
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark-hives.
Why are baseball players so cool? They always have their fans around.
"Dude, you left your virginity here" "Oh wait you never lost it"
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, you racist bastard.
Did you hear Charlie Sheen has HIV? He thinks he got it after sleeping with two and a half men.
Girls storing chips in their bras...pfft amateurs. I've got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
What did Pac-Man say when he almost got run over? I'm Waka-Waka-Waka-Walking here!
What is 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period.
What do you call a fat alcoholic? A heavy drinker.
German boy Why did the German boy go to Summer camp? I don't know he did notsay!
My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job
Horny perverts are going to Brazil in record numbers since the Zika virus broke out because when they have sex they are 100% guaranteed to get a little head too! Original reddit first joke!
I like my coffee like I like my women... Silent
I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter... I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I got the job even though I kept telling them I'm not a plumber. It took awhile to sink in.
Her: You're up to a pack a day nowyou have to cut back. Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
If someone feeds you alphabet soup... Is that putting words in your mouth? Also, if they are about to feed you and pull back, is that taking the words out of your mouth?
What type of sea creature do Chinese fishermen catch? Crust-asian
Father: *places hand on shoulder* My son..... *Son: Yes father? *Father: Check out this cool severed hand I just found! editted for format, which I suck at apparently
Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul...to keep... If I shall die before I wake-- Yah, I really don't like where this is going.
Why do elephants drink so much? To try to forget!
It's funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!
Why can't Rabbis eat pork and Priests can't have sex? Because the Rabbis got to choose first.
What does a tornado and a red-neck divorce have in common? Either way someone's going to lose a trailer.
The man who invented the dildo sadly passed away. His funeral went just as expected. Only women came.
For something that has nine lives, you'd think this cat would spend at least one of them not being an annoying cunt.
Your honor, I second that motion Judge: Ma'am, I'm simply reading your husband's request to be cremated
I eat a lot of grapes. I'm basically a wino with no patience.
I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.
what did the leper say to the hooker? keep the tip
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Just found out Cuba Gooding Jr is not from Cuba, but from New York. Leave it to a big name celebrity to be a huge liar
I went up north to drill oil, didn't get payed Turns out, it was all rigged.
What's the most popular search engine in Israel? They surf the Net On Yahoo.
A guy told me a joke about blowjobs, but I had to admit I didn't get it I'm married
TIL that Hitler never ate cake Apparently all the ovens were already being used.
Harambe memes have lost their popularity since the election... People's attention moved away from the death of a gorilla to the election of an orangutan!
Q: why did the chicken cross the road? A: for a totally legitimate reason Now start fucking laughing
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance. ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance. DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.' If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.
Dark humor is like food... Some people don't get it.
Whats the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bath tub. One has hope in her soul, while the other has soap in her hole.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $5 to have a garbanzo bean on me.
A man came home to find his wife in bed with a stranger. "What the hell are you two doing?" He demanded. His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."
I stopped fighting my inner demons; We're totes BFFs now.
When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second. The refill contained the antidote.
[Married pillow-talk] Husband: What's your deepest fantasy? Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don't leave any crumbs under the table.
How do you make a Vietnamese girl pregnant and rich at the same time? Give her the dong.
[Border control] Officer: "You're not American." Me: "Deep." *Officer squints* M: "Fried." *squints harder* M: "Guns." "Welcome back, Sir."
(Original) Why should you keep a broken clock? It's just nice having an extra set of hands around.
What has 9 arms, 7 legs, 4 heads, and 13 feet? The finish line of the Boston Marathon.
[dropping kids off at school] ME: Ok, learn a lot today KIDS: But school doesn't start for another week ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Despite being brought up as a catholic, I was never molested when I was younger... ...yeah, I was a pretty ugly child.
Why did the communist Chinese government outlaw Viagra? They didn't want the people to have free elections.
I love people. However, most of them are fictional characters.
How did the pirate fix the hole in his pants? He used an eyepatch
A guy types "lower case is for the lower class people" someone else replies with "I guess that makes you a capitalist"
Helen Keller walks into a bar And a table, and a chair
I don't think any political ideology is inherently wrong Some are just alternative right
Google Glass is the Segway of eyes.
For Mother's Day, I told my teens, I'm going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most  Wanted."
What kind of bar do fish go to? A sand bar.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? There, they're, their...
WHY WAS THE BROOM LATE FOR WORK? BECAUSE IT OVERSWEPT.
Why do Asian students do so well in school? Because an Asian without A's is a sin
You see two puppies. "Awwwww!" But they're cannibal puppies! "Ahhhhhhh!" One puppy eats the other! "Ewwwww!" Then he takes a nap. "Awwwww!"
I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
A programmer goes to do groceries. His wife tell him: -- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen. He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread. -- But why?, she asks. -- They had eggs.
My girlfriend's angry because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof. Please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean?
Breaking News: Germany defeats Argentina... France surrenders.
A sandwich walks into a bar The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here."
A blind man walks into a bar... And then a table... And then a chair...
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I'm surprised there weren't more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I tried dropping the Google Maps human icon in North Korea... and he jumped back into his original position out of fear.
YOU MOTHER FUCKER! -I haven't fucked any mothers yet but yours is at the top of my list.
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter! Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you.
iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition. I'll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they'll likely chop off my hand too.
Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.
When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think "oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!"
Science teacher: What happened when  electricity was first discovered? Fred: Someone got a nasty shock.
I can see six years into the future. I must have 2020 vision.
Oprah lost a fortune in the stock market. Don't worry, she gained it all back.
The wind just blew my dress up. Even the weather wants me to be a whore.
Have you ever stroked a parrot? I bet you've stroked a cockatoo...
What toy should you never buy a Jewish child? A Bulldozer!
What's the difference between a woman and a video game? I don't get an erection when I beat a video game.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet... She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?
Why did the hipster break up with her boyfriend? He didn't have all the 7" he kept talking about.
RIP boiled water You will be mist
Isn't there part of everyone that hopes the Mayan calander is right? #letswrapitup #endofworld #creditcardbill
A priest and a rabbi walk by a junior high school... The priest peers inside and says "Hey. Let's go inside and screw some little boys." The rabbi responds "Out of what?"
Is it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?
[Ancient Egypt job centre] - Name? "Ankhesenamun" - How do you spell that? "Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest"
What's the difference between Michael j. Fox and an earthquake? Earthquakes stop shaking
TIFU by searching for my wife on Pornhub turns out, it's not a dating site.
My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas... I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".
What is Long and narrow and becomes bigger when given a blow ? A balloon.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
So it seems like Jared Fogle would get between five to twelve years That's his age range at least.
Did you hear about that mad cow disease? A cow to another: "Did you hear about that mad cow disease? Makes cows go completely insane!" The other cow: "Good thing I'm a helicopter!"
As the saying goes, once you go black... You become a single mother.
What happened to the cant when it ate a ball of wool? What happened to the cat when it ate a ball of wool? It had mittens
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it's only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells? I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
I went to the races yesterday. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
what do you call somebody who hates shoes from Asia? A lacist.
How do you blindfold a chinese person? Put floss over their eyes
What do Mormon's and tweekers have in common? Both ride bicycles and bust mission.
I hate it when you tell someone that you'll always be there for them and then they call you to help move
So I'm trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, "I will kill you in your sleep."
I like my coffee like I like my women. Irish!
Me: I'm super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong? Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party. Me:.................
There are a ton of nihilists protesting downtown today... They're part of the #NoLivesMatter movement.
I wanted to have a threesome.. ..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.
Girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don't know enough about you to finish this joke.
Why did the fence get busted for having stolen goods? Because it got grassed up by the lawn.
What if the pilgrims had shot a Bobcat instead of a Turkey? (NSFW) We'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving!
How do you make a hormone? Just don't pay her
There are 2 black men in a car, who is driving? The cops
Knock Knock. "Who's there?" "Kenya." "Kenya who?" "Kenya let me the fuck in?!?"
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
What do fish think about air? It's UN-B-REATHABLE!
I found out someone's been impersonating me... Well two can play at that game.
Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock? So he could wake up inside.
How does someone stop ISIS? Change their name to past tense, WASWAS.
Jesus take the wheel Carlos you take the stereo I'll take lookout
Cow joke What's wrong with Bessie? She looks like she's in constant pain! She has mooootiple sclerosis
I have a lettuce stuck up my ass But it's just the tip of the iceberg.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
[spelling bee] Your word is "echo" can you use it in a sentence? SENTENCE entence entece ece ce
My doctor told me that I had Eczema on my elbow... I told him that was pretty redundant. Eggs on my on my elbow? So much for that PhD. I just hope it goes away before they hatch...
Why doesn't Marty McFly drink wine? Too many Tannens.
Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.
Believe it or not but my penis was once in the book of Guinness World Records. The librarian got pretty pissed though and kicked me out.
"Shrooms before brooms," I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
1995: the information superhighway will mean anyone can do anything from anywhere 2015: must be willing to relocate to San Francisco
old linux joke I like my women like my kernels about 6 years old and stable
The narcissistic cannibal started to eat his own body but stopped because he was already full of himself
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
My left butt cheek was hurting pretty bad earlier, so I asked my girlfriend to massage it for me. I told her... that I didn't want it half-assed.
Why are pirates so mean? They just ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!
I walked past Winnie the Pooh's grave earlier today It read *Here Lies Winnie the Dead Shit*
What do Batman films and religious farms have in common? They may have a Christian Bale in them.
I just put too much cream in my coffee. This is the worst Good Friday ever.
Recently I'm having a lot of bad dates! I've to try grapes now!
If Jason Bateman was a Jedi... I would call him Master Bateman.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather's back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
What does a mole think, when he digs trough lower Austria? Make way, children.
I saw a really nasty wreck on the way to work this morning... ...wish I had had time to pick her up.
I love wearing ear-buds and listening to the music loud at the gym, because no one can hear you if you fart...Why is everyone looking at me?
I just finished my exam on communism I really hope I get good Marx
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, "I'm actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case"
Don't you hate it when you call a plumber and all he does is eat mushrooms and kill your turtles?
Reddit's biggest April Fool's Day Joke Yet http://i.imgur.com/aT7QoyW.png
What's a Mexicans favorite protein? Whey
Life and Coffee I like my life like I like my coffee, as dark as it can possibly get.
We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing...and if you can't think of who, that friend is you.
Did you hear about the guy who used the door knocker? He won a no bell prize. I'm sorry if this is a repost. I searched but couldn't find anything close.
If I was a sick professor giving a lecture... Ibuprofen
How are lawyers and apples similar? They both look good hanging from a tree
A teacher asked a spanish immigrant student to make a sentence using the words cheese and liver.... ...The immigrant replies: "Hey liver alone, cheese my sister"
Why aren't their any Jewish chefs? Because they aint falling for that one again
You and Me = Grand Unification
I just got fired from the calendar factory All I just did was take a day off...
What is a Christians Favorite Insect? The Praying Mantis
I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'
Did you hear about the woman who got caught with pot in her fake breasts? It was a huge drug bust
My girlfriend called me a pedophile I told her that's a big word for a 7 year old
You're riding the crest of a slump?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would've preferred a moaner or a biter.
For those who can't eat their vegetables bc of the wheelchair: There IS a chocolate shake with every one, all you have to do is pull out the straw. Edit: a word
You're mom is so dumb I knocked on her door and she said "Let me in!"
Why is it called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. How can you tell if a car is German? A. when a jew gets in it the doors lock and the heat turns on.
All firemen must dread the moment when they're done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
How do Jewish mothers prevent wrinkles? Oil of Oy Vey.
Why did the dog eat the salad? For ruffage.
Its ironic.... ... that you lot just don't get irony.
What is the difference between the Cleveland Browns and Santa...... Santa is still relevent in december
What's the difference between woman's breasts and a box of matches? The matches are made for adults, but kids constantly grab'em and play with them. The situation is quite opposite with breasts.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair] so what do you do for a living
5: "Mommy why not?" Me: "Because you're driving me crazy." 5: "How?" 5: "How?" 5: "How?" 5: "How?" 5: "How?" 5: "How?" 5: "How?" 5: "How?"
I'm not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
For girls who are trying to tan... I'll teach you how to sin ;)
3 Jokes in one A gypsy with no siblings, came home from work and had a shower.
Lifes a bitch Grab it by the pussy
He's taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
You know that photo of yourself you really fucking hate, it'll look great to you in ten years time so don't delete that shit.
asked the universe for literally nothing & received a commercial featuring conjoined twins riding a segway
It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.
*police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume* "HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN" *throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I like my coffee like I like my slaves Free You racist fuck
My friend told me if im upset about something i should sleep on it... I told him to give it a rest.
Eminem needs to release an aftershave and shower gel gift set for Christmas Eminessence and Marshal Lathers.
What did the vampire lizard say to his next victim? Iguana suck your blood!
when is it OK to spit a mexican woman in the face? when her stache is on fire!
Pinatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.
Admit it, at some point in your life, you stuck a ball up your shirt and pretended you were pregnant.
My friends really into acid rock... Personally I prefer my music with more bass.
LPT: The best time to stand behind someone is when they are watching something that makes them think it is their imagination.
FOX News is a Mecca for people who hate Mecca.
The Vatican finally recognizes Palestine... Palestine replied, "Dude. We've met like six times."
My girlfriend told me she's "spotting" and I'm like yeah right for who? You can't even bench 50 Lbs lol
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the bad part of town? One of them got assaulted.
BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines Oops, wrong sub.
Why did the semen cross the road... ....because I put the wrong sock on today
Broke up with my girlfriend today On the other hand I met this chick.
-Babe, I can't find the condom, what if we don't use it? -Sure, I'm ready to be a mother anyways. -No, no. Look, I found it!
How do you call the piece of fat around the vagina? A woman.
All the toys in Toy Story are pervs Their whole world and life revolves around being played with by little kids.
My wife believes in compromise If we agree on something we do it my way, and if we disagree we do it her way.
Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokemon. Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec2.
Me: Table for one, please. Waiter: Would you like to see the men-- Me: YES.
What's the difference between 9/11 and a dead cow? You can't keep milking the dead cow for 13 years
Found a site for hardcore Harambe Supporters It's called Omegle, Everyone has their dicks out for Harambe.
[OC] What do you call a Portable Sperm Bank? Your Momma. Happy Mother's Day folks
I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I'm walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.
I'm writing a self-help book about always doing your best. Working title: "Bestiality"
TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says... "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site."
Why don't landmines work on Africans? Because they aren't heavy enough to set it off
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alva ! Alva who ? Alva heart !
Quit criticizing the girls that take slutty pics and put them on Facebook! I like looking at them you homo!
There's a new Starbucks opening down the street. I WONDER WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE.
No I don't want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
How I like my women.. If their old enough to pee, their alright for me. or If their over 8, dont take the bait.
What do you do to an elephant with 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming
Did you hear about the Psychic midget that escaped prison? He was a small medium at large.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I'm going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
A chicken and an egg were lying in bed... ..when the chicken turned to the egg, puffed from his cigarette, and said "Well that answers THAT question!".
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Why did the interrupting cow cross the road? MOOOOOO!!!!
I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.
What's the difference between Australia and yogurt? At least if you leave yogurt alone for a while it develops a culture.
What did the decimal say to his wife? "Damn girl, I'm about to decimate dat ass."
Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent! I'm not ashamed.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that "It's 4 am!" attitude, mmkay?
The Pillsbury dough boy He is a great roll model.
There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't. Not mine, I just read it on a mug at work.
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib? Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
Driving today I kept seeing protest signs. They all said "End Road Work."
Hey baby are you a basic bitch? Cause you're alkafine!
What do you call a Russian on a golf course? Vladimir Puttin'
I went to the Middle East with some marijuana... ... and I got stoned! ###AMIRITE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!^imsosorry
What do you call a bad riddle? Voldemort
Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday...
Coworker: it's dark already Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes CoW: it's only 5 'o clock Me: I KNOW DAN CoW: it's early Me: THAT'S HOW EARTH WORKS
Next month on the 13th, the date will be 13/13/13.
What do you call a Mexican who likes little kids? A pedrophile.
"I'm an introvert!" -Extrovert, after being alone for a whole ten minutes.
When life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic.
I threw a boomerang 6 years ago and it never came back... Now I live in constant fear.
i'm actually pretty attractive if you never compare me to anyone ever
What is the worst joke you have ever Heard? I'll start it off: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
The arrogant baker declared 'You'll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window' The customer agreed 'It must be the double glazing'
A member of the river dance group walks into a bar. And asks..... What have ya got on tap!?!?
This joke is may be too vulgar for reddit... nsfw [Removed]
My stapler is pretty terrible at holding these pages together... ...thank goodness for staples, huh!?
A man walks into a bar.... ...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says... "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."
(.)(.) + $$ = ( . )( . )
How Long is a chinaman
why don't men do laundry? cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
As a purple faced man I long to meet a purple faced woman someday... Don't hold your breath
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win? Everybody.
Congratulations to the new Miss America! Now please answer your phone, I need tech support.
A man walks into a bar... Looks like it hurt.
Did you hear about the witch who turned her friend into an egg? She kept trying to poach her ideas.
Isn't giving fellatio... ...Just a taste of what's to come?
Aww, c'mon! Let me crack your baby's knuckles.
What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States of America.
Knock Knock Joke 'Knock Knock' 'Who's there?' 'Atch' 'Atch who?' 'Excuse you'
How do you spell me? "M E." "No you forgot the D." "There's no D in me." "Not yet." It's a classic, my friend got me with this right after I got him with the "duck weigh".
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. **It was riveting!**
Why do men like to be on bottom during sex? Cause they only know how to fuck up.
I don't believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women. Just joking, I believe in Nessie.
If I had a nickel for every time I had sex... ... I'd be a very cheap hooker.
I flunked out of clown college due to taking it too seriously.
I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed....
"Knock, Knock..." "Who's there?" "I Love Mop"
I like girls who don't study. Because they want the D.
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I'm like you
Just saw a guy wearing sunglasses on the back of his head practicing his golf swing empty-handed. Hope my daughter's a lesbian.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry! ME: Don't you mean history? R: Don't change the subject! *Both start laughing
Why did Adele cross the road?? To say hello from the other side.
Dad, my laptop's frozen. Have you tried warming it up?
Life doesn't matter. Life IS matter.
Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you're in prison.
2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds What a waste of thyme!
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Why does Barbie never get pregnant........? Because Ken came in another box
[request] Having a hard time remembering a joke. Please help. A guy goes to a doctor. The punch line is said in a really surprised tone "THE DOCTOR WAS A WOMAN!" Thank you in advance.
What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Fish must be like super sad because it probably took a whole lot of tears to fill the whole ocean.
What do you call a witch who drives really badly? A road hag.
Me: Let's have a fight with that guy you like Brain: That's not a good idea, he might actually like y... Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Bodybuilder 1 says to bodybuilder 2 "hey man, I think we're out of protein powder" Bodybuilder 2 responds "No whey!!"
Laugh at something on your phone and wait for me to ask what it is. See your grandchildren grow old. Witness the death of the sun.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines!
As I pulled back the ring-pull on my 5th can of beer, I heard "Hello." I thought to myself, "It must be the drink talking."
wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Sold my wife on ebay. Dreading the buyer feedback.
Why fist fights break out at NASA? Sometimes an argument of perihelion will get out of hand.
I've got a bad joke for you. It went to jail for the things it did...
A boy who couldn't hear, smell, taste or feel punched me in the head yesterday. I told him "there was no need for senseless violence"
I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend. You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
What's Hitler's favorite Yu-Gi-Oh card? Blue-Eyes White Dragon
I heard the Boston Marathon wasn't very good this year... No one really blew away the competition.
What does Cinderella say when she gets to the ball? *cough* *cough*
What do you find in a rythmic bakery? A-bun-dance
I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!
Monster energy drink bumper stickers--because you can't give your truck an eyebrow piercing.
If I have learned anything in life it's don't throw away your fat clothes
"It takes 2 to tangle." - iPod ear buds.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a lane and turned into a field...
I like my women like I like my beer: I'm so fucking lonely.
What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for? Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best.
My girlfriend's brain is going 24/7... Like a 7/11, not anyways doing business but it's always open.
I would make a 9/11 joke But that would just be plane wrong.
Knock Knock... Who's there? Sean Bean. Sean Bean who? Oh that's right, you started watching after his character died. Works for pretty much anything Sean Bean is in except Sharpe.
Why are planes strong? Because they can LIFT
if women think they arent meant to cook why do they have milk and eggs inside them?
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he'd rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I can't believe that Trump is banning Muslims from the U.S. Like, Syria-sly America?
Twitter: The addiction that talks back.
I kicked my wife off the bed when she was fast asleep to show her the man of her dreams couldn't save her.
What's a Neckbeard's favourite curry? Chicken tikka m'sala
As a younger man, I used to think women were only good for one thing... As I've gotten older I've realized......I'm better at doing that myself too.
My wife told me that she needs time and distance... ...because she's calculating velocity.
Why was the restaurant called "Out of this World"? Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.
I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be cremated.. I then told my family that I had no specific burial requests, just make sure that they don't have me cremated, no matter what.
[speed dating] ME: I like your hair HER: OK ME: And your teeth are so smiley HER: You know this is a job interview, right? ME: *rings bell*
When you run out of milk from a cow you move to the UDDER one.
My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.
Why do photons travels slower through water? They having a float-on. it very good
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He's 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
It was my birthday last week, I got a dehumidifier and a humidifier.... Put them in the same room, let em fight it out. -Steven Wright
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.
Did you hear about the short-sighted circumsiser? He got the sack.
What's the difference between eating out pussy and drinking American Beer? Pussy only tastes like piss in the beginning.
What do you call a monkey terrorist? A Baboom!
You know the best thing about having a penis? You get to share it with people who don't.
Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I am terrified of elevators I am going to start taking steps to avoid them
What did the greek cow say? 
Yo momma so poor...[original] she vote for Obama cos she want change ahhh thank you ill be here all week
I just saw an onion ring. So I answered it.
I was going to build my own bicycle but I couldn't be bothered... Two tired
When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"
My GF was brutal when we moved. Told me anything not used in the past 6 months had to go... I just looked down and gave my condolences
Heading upstairs to bed last night I started to pull my boxers off... The wife said 'You spoil them dogs!'
How does a mathematician get to work? He derives!
I hate it when they tell you that they accept cards but refuse to accept my seven of spades
What is a rapper's favorite tea? Black boo-tea
[1st date] Me: "So, what do you do?" Her: "I'm a Herpetologist." Me: "Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?"
My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.
I got mad at my uncle for telling me the results of the Cubs game because he is an hour ahead of me in New York. And he doesn't have a DVR.
I'm a Mexican with a black belt Call me Juan Punch
Why was the Shire so shocked when Bilbo threw himself and Sam into Mt. Doom? They were the first citizens they ever lost to a Mordor-suicide like that.
The French police raid in one day killed more than my guild does all week.
A man's work is never done. "...Something both men and women can agree on!"
You know who the most popular guy at a nudist colony is? The one who can walk with 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
What did the black hole say to the Catholic priest? "I'm sorry, father. I'm rather critical of mass."
What is a chronic masturbator's favorite dish? Meat stroganoff
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rabbit? A dead rabbit with a big hole.
Three People Killed at Colorado Abortion Clinic Sounds like a slow day to me
Why is North Korea so evil? Because it's got no Seoul!
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut "coffee" with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist? Because they fought both tooth and nail!
Dear Slut, Sorry, but your vagina does not have a Clear History Button like fire fox.
Hillary's team is really going all out to get the LGBTQ vote... They've even convinced Huma to get rid of her Weiner.
If you are Asian in the kitchen and African in the living room, then what are you in the bathroom? If you're in the bathroom, European.
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? Because she's a woman.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.
Lost 200 pounds. Here's my story. British prostitutes are *expensive.*
My thoughts on the recent events by the Reddit Staff [removed]
A Chinese baby was born prematurely. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
Let's claim some underground tunnels and start a new society where staring at our phones isn't considered rude and eye contact is weird.
What's the only thing worse than a poop joke? A corny poop joke. You can really visualize it.
Auto-correct walks into a bar... And the batman says, 'why the log fence?'
A Jehovah's witness knocks on a Mexican's door. The Jehovah's Witness asks, would you like to know Jesus? The Mexican said, I already do. He's next door.
What's the difference between America and yogurt? One has culture.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it's way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
What's the difference between a baby and A goat? When my goat died, I couldn't bring myself to eat it.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or genitalia? Still no fucking eye deer.
What does a mermaid stoner smoke? Seaweed.
I once photographed a high school track team practice for the yearbook.. I guess you could call it *timed laps* photography.
Being a parent means enthusiastically clapping for a lot of mediocre stuff. It's like being a Coldplay fan.
Why do Rednecks love cheeseburgers? Because they are in bread.
There are 10 types of people... Those who understand binary and those who don't.
What do you call a beautiful girl in Boston? A tourist.
your mama so fat that when she wanted a water  bed they had to put a cover over the Atlantica Ocean.
Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged? Their boyfriends eat with their hats on.
I'm so good at table tennis... I can play with one hand tied behind my back!
Dear phone. If you wouldn't remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I'd be able to finish my status upda
What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches? A paracetamole!
What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist? Nothing, giraffes aren't real.
What is the definition of suspicion? A nun doing push ups in a cucumber field.
Yo Mama so fat.. ..she walked past the TV and I missed 3 seasons!
One of these days, I'm going to go fishing for complements. I hope I catch some peanut butter and jelly.
A man walks up to a girl smoking in a bar. He ask if she knows of sudden infant death syndrome. She replies 'wut'... He says 'cause smoking kills, baby'
How do you keep a club exclusively for straight edgers? You weed out the rest
Jehovah's witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes.
A recurring number walks into a bar'
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.
If you're having second thoughts, you're two ahead of most people.
I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode.
I heard that there was some beef with Dreamworks after making the 3rd Shrek Movie... It's all ogre now.
Some people walk the walk and some people talk the talk. I drink the drink.
A mexican and black person have a car race. They both end up going over a cliff and die. Who won the race? Society.
I real reason I'm single I have a tiny penis.
I made a fortune selling HIV testing kits to Africa In reality, it's just a bunch of lollipop sticks with "Yes" written on the side of them.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. Will keep you posted.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the joke is fully groan.
Not totally sold on astrology, but Libras DEFINITELY hate it when you throw a bucket of paint on their car.
I hate talking to my boyfriend sometimes. Every time I bring up his camping fetish, he pitches a huge tent.
TRUMP: She's too scripted HILLARY (reading from teleprompter): Mr. Trump, (voice steadily rising) Adobe Reader is ready to update
I don't get what's so great about hand jobs. She's always ends up falling asleep by the time I get her whole hand in my mouth.
No thanks, doctor's office that used to be a house.
What's a moo hoo for a young calf? A new moo!
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam???? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
What do you call a reptile wearing a vest? An investigator. Ba dum tss.
"Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman's body" - Russian nesting doll
Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide - Windexter.
Son and a Blow Job A man is sitting at home and his son walks in from school. The son says "Dad! I had my first blow job today!" And the father says "really? How was it?" "It tasted awful!"
What do you do when you are riding on the back of a zebra, right next to a camel, and a lion won't stop chasing you? Get off the carousel, dumb ass. You're drunk.
What did Caesar say when was in agreement? I came. I saw. I concurred.
Why was 10 afraid? Because it was in the middle of 9/11
I've been hearing about bed stacking conspiracies It's only a matter of time before someone debunks them
"I don't like the taste of water" - First World Problem
I wrote a book It's called Oceans 2: The Seaquel
I got this Jewish girl's number She rolled her sleeve up
Have you heard about the world's largest broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA
My wife is leaving me I was having sex with her twin when she came in. I tried telling her I was doing it because thought it was her. She didn't buy it. It didn't help that his dick was in my ass.
What happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he saw she had no clothes on? It made him shy!
Why it is important that you grow mustaches? So that when you lick pussy they absorb the acids and therefore protect your teeth from falling off.
I'm fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
"Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so fucking wet!, give it to me now!" She can scream all she wants... I'm not giving her my umbrella.
If Israel gets wiped off the map... Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael
what do you call fake spaghetti? impasta.
Why is the Champs-Elysees lined with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade.
And the Lord said to John " Come forth and you shall receive eternal life" But John came fifth and won a toaster Credits: An ask Reddit post
"Why don't you cool it on the dressmaking," I suggested to my wife. "You seamstressed."
Wife's just back from the spa, says she feels like a new woman Apparently "Me too" wasn't the right response.
Don't get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Where does a river keep it's money? At the bank.
Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung.
Why was I arrested for only 1 year with a $5,000 fine after killing an unarmed African-American man? On charges of "impersonating a police officer".
How do you get a fat girl into bed ? Piece of cake
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image. E2: Hey, let's call customers at home. E1: At dinner, on Sunday. E2: But be pushy. E1: Perfect.
So I went to a wedding And everyone was very emotional. Even the wedding cake was in tiers.
If Bill Clinton was a construction worker he would be called Bob the Billder Sorry.
Hey guys, wanna hear a joke? Reddit servers.
What do you call a lesbian who doesn't believe in gods? A gay-theist. EDIT: Spelling error. whoops
I hate taking pictures of mirrors. The pictures always come out with some a**hole in them.
If Willy Wonka manufactured anything other than candy that movie would just be a dark tale of a negligent factory owner murdering children.
Tips to reduce weight... First turn your head to the right and then to the left. Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat!
I was going to make a joke about pepper but it was too insalting.
What did the horse say when it walked into the bar? "ouch..."
How do you identify a Vegan, Crossfitter, Navy SEAL, or tranny? Don't worry about it, they will tell you.
What do you call someone who has discovered nirvana? A Buddhist Or a Teenager who thinks they are now greater than everyone else Older people might not feel this joke
I'm On the Edge About Masturbation On one hand, it feels great. On the other, I can't feel a thing.
Brussels: 3 year old kidnapped Slept for two hours
A black man, a muslim and a gypsy were in a car. Who was driving? A police officer.
In case you wondered, Fathers Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother. Mothers Day is to thank Mom for not swallowing you
I don't believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
What did the Oxen say to his son moving out? Bison
Not now, inspirational quotes on my cough drop wrapper.
What's similar between Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd? Both of their last big hits were the wall.
First cannibal: We had burglars last night.  Second cannibal: Did they taste good?
BABY DRINK Q: How do you make a baby drink? A: Stick it in the blender.
The best pirate joke(in your best pirate voice): What is a pirates favorite letter? Every body says its the "R" but it is actually the "C."
[On phone to police] Has there been a report of a pervert in the park? P: No, there hasn't. Me: oh good. [Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up
I'm not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Why is a fat dog so afraid of the dog catcher? Because they're paid by the pound.
What do you get when you cross a fag and a dairy farm? A Dairy Queen
How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
If you watch cinderella backwards its about a woman getting put in her place.
A good will gesture . . . A friendly chap from a local charity asked for a donation towards restoring the community swimming pool today. . . I gave him a bottle of water.
It's a bird. It's a plane. No its... "Steve, you're fired. Air traffic control just isn't for you."
My husband grew a beard and suddenly I'm having to karate chop every woman we pass.
On a microwave, typing in 90 gives you a longer cooking time than typing in 100. MIND BLOWN
What are the three "O"s of bad driving? Old. Oriental. Ovaries.
A pelican just flew away with my sandwich. Rigged! The media!
A man orders soup at a restaurant. The waiter sets his plate down and he sees a fly in the bowl... So he asks the waiter, "What's this fly doing in my soup?" The waiter responds, "The backstroke."
Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: Know why I pulled u over C: Stop that M: Stop that C: Wanna go to jail? M: Wanna go to jail? C: No.. errr
This orange juice says shake well before drinking. *shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, "Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?"
"How did you sleep?" "On my back, mostly. At one point I tried to climb into my dryer but I couldn't fit."
I am eternally grateful to whoever donated organs for my surgery... I'll always hold a little piece of them close to my heart.
I walked into the library the other day and asked the librarian if he still had that mouldy old book on giving your child up for adoption. "It was vile so I got rid of it." "That's the one."
I put the short word in the slightly longer word.
I yelled at my wife "Your miniskirt is way too short!!" "Thats because its made for a woman" she replied "Now take it off & give it to me"
Me: I should stop drinking Me: Why? Me: I dunno Me: You're awesome when you drink Me: Really? Me: Yeah Me: Thanks, me. You're alright
A farmer won a million dollars playing the lottery, he was really excited looking at his bank account... ...it now showed zero dollars.
I recently started using a few drugs I draw the line at using cocaine though
A blind guy walks into a bar ... then a stool, then a chair...
What do women's breasts and toy trains have in common? A: They're both intended for children... But, it's usually the father that play with them the most!
You guys know that dude Jesus? Yeah, I heard he was a real thorn in the Romans' side
As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don't be late to that.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
They used to call them jumpolines... until your mom used one.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that's older than you.
News: Coleen Rooney has flown out to Brazil with her two sons to be with Wayne until England's World Cup campaign is over. That's nice  bit far to go for a weekend though if you ask me.
Can I get an amen? AMEN! Can I get a b-men? BMEN! Can I get a c-men? CME--*the whole church laughs*
Where the hell were these teachers that bang their students when I was in high school?!
What do we want? SOME GOOD DECISIONS! When do we want them? BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I was interviewing a guy for a position as a dentist Turns out he wasn't very great at the job. I told him and he broke down crying. He couldn't handle the tooth
Donald Trump and Jeremy Clarkson are now in the same line of work The unemployment line
Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office? Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.
BBC's Sherlock got cancelled Shit, no Sherlock.
Why aren't there any white jokes on /r/Jokes? "Because jokes are the white man's burden."
[sermon] There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day! *T-1000 shifts nervously*
As a literalist, I can't watch porno... There's too many holes in the plot. I thought of this while reading a reddit comment section, so thank you reddit :)
Knock Knock Who's there ! Clare ! Clare who ? Clare your throat before you speak !
Anyone know if Hallmark makes a "Sorry about your miscarriage, but it was my first time playing Bocce Ball" card?
My friend asks "what is long hard and full of seamen" random female says "definitely not your dick."
my dad suggested i sign up to be a organ donor he's a man after my own heart -masai graham
What do you call a rhinoceros crossed with an elephant? "el' if I know."
Oscar Pistorius He hasn't got a leg to stand on
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? They taste funny.
I'd never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
What do you get if you cross a tiger  with a sheep ? A stripey sweater !
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations... Friend: You say 'good morning' back
Why does Helen Keller have trouble driving She's dead.
A penguin walks into a bar and asks "has my brother been in here?" The bartender says "I don't know, what does he look like?"
What's the difference... ...between a piano, a fish, and glue? You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish "What about the glue?" I knew you'd get stuck on that.
A coworker of mine recently had a miscarriage and it really changed her. She's not the same joyful, full-of-energy kind of person she used to be. It's like she lost her inner child.
Miss Piggy was arrested for smoking weed. When the cops asked her what she was thinking she replied, "Kermit said he wanted baked ham for Christmas."
I told my girlfriend I'm a little hoarse... She looked at me in all seriousness and said "aww you're a pony! Clop clop clop!" (This actually happened yesterday.)
Why was the sea snail sad? Because it was abalonely
Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.
I got a joke about u/spez [removed]
What do you call a man who jokes that women always make mountains out of molehills? An ambulance.
Why was the farmer hopping mad ?  Because someone had trodden on his corn !
What do Japanese men do when they have erections? Vote
I like Kanye West as much as the next guy... ...as long as the next guy isn't Kanye West.
What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass? Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!
Hey girl, are you a washing machine? Coz you're making my pants wet!!!!
I used to care... what people in the adjacent bathroom stalls thought of me, but now, I don't give a shit
Why wont Apple ever make a car? Because it can't have windows in it!!!!
What does Putin's boyfriend say when he wants sex? Putin, Putitin
How do you have a party in space?! YOU PLANET! :D
A Limerick There once was a man from the Styx Who liked to write Limericks But he failed at the sport Because he wrote them too short
How many ears does Spock have? A right ear, a left ear, and the final front ear.
"But mom! I don't like grandma." "Keep quiet, son, and finish your plate."
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7... It only gets awkward when he shouts "Allahu Akbar" when plugging it in.
Hey baby do you build portable wienerschnitzels? Because you make my hotdog stand
It's been legalized! Seattle and Denver will be sharing a Super Bowl!
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan... "CLIMAX IN IMAX"
Girl And BOy Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: Because she loved children.
11 year old step son told me this... I lol'd Why did the cops show up at the elementary school? A 1st grader was resisting a rest.
The 5 signs of laziness 1.
I had a bad audition... ...but I acted like I didn't care.
Two trained soldiers were in a tank... They both drowned.
Waiter, waiter, what's wrong with this fish? Waiter: Long time, no sea Sir.
Have you seen the movie called "Constipated??" You probably haven't because it hasn't come out yet.
What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A cab.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? (From a comment in this subredit) YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent...umm...excercising!
English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships? AMB. It's stands for, 'Atsa Ma Boat!'
I believe in boobs at first sight.
I didn't give a f*ck until I drank Red Bull. Now I don't give a flying f*ck.
An IPv4 address walks into a restaurant... He says "Quick, give me a drink. I'm exhausted"
Remember back in the olden days when we used wood-burning stoves and AOL?
I KNOW WHO TWEETED THAT! -Me when reading ecards on Facebook
Spent all night being teased by Medusa. Now I'm hard as a rock.
what did one eye say to the other eye "I don't know about you but something smells between us" and then the the other eye says, "what, the nose or the asshole its stuck in?"
Mos Def I always thought that Mos Def had the most deft hands
A girl asked me if I was a good cook. "Does Meth count?" probably wasn't the answer she wanted.
One day I'll cure blindness. You'll see! You'll all see!
I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed. If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
What do engineers use for birth control? Their personality.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called "babysitting". You're wrong. It's called "parenting". Not the same.
C, Eb, and G walk into a "bar" .
What do you call alcohol distilled by the Avengers' enemies? Hydra-Gin
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who's going to eat them all anyway.
I cut myself while shaving... Because who... has time... for both.    ~Jim Hamilton
What's the difference between a football player and a bank robber? The bank robber says: Give me the money or I will shoot! The football player says: Give me the money or I won't shoot.
In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I touched them, a giant net fell on me. Damn booby trap.
I like my women like I like my grenades Hanging around my belt and ready to blow.
What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison
How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "Aww, how brave."
"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck."
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Obama won? That's it I am moving.... ..to USA!
Jokes are like paper airplanes I suck at making them
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat!
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts
*Morgan Freeman time travels back to 1810* Morgan Slaveman
Lesbians should not be allowed to buy dildos, they made their choice!!
I don't understand Christians They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Dad: i don't know why you wear a bra-you've got nothing to put in it. MUM: you wear pants don't you?
I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs. I'll call it Downtown
Santa joke Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only cums once a year, and when he does it's down a chimney.
Why do mermaids wear seashells? because D shells dont fit
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
If Hillary wins the election... Will she hire immigrants to install the glass ceiling in the White House?
Why should you never run over a black kid on a bike? Because it's probably your bike...
People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn't work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!... But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
What's big and grey and wears a mask ? The elephantom of the opera !
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it's expected that you'll continue to speak w/accent after you're hired
My neighbor said his dog was impregnated by my dog Django. I said "No way, bro." "The 'D' is silent"
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
After hearing that Diarrhea causes the most deaths... I realized I'm next. Diarrhea's hereditary, and it runs in my genes.
Me: I was sober for 12 years AA Director: What happened ? Me: I turned 13....
What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian? If you're good you get laughs, and if you're bad you get booze.
How do you know you've found Christopher Walken's house? It has a recognizable gait
Checking the meats at my local Tesco... I looked for the burgers but it looks like they are *NEIGGHHH*-ver selling them again.
I wish the band Journey was a giant human mouth becasue I have a hard-on and they *SUCK*!
Why will people click on any link with sperm or eggs in the headline? Hey, sex cells.
pH number. So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)" To which I reply, "7."
I've just been diagnosed as Colorblind.. I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
3-year-old: There's a spider on the carpet! Me: Haha, that's just a piece of fuzz. *fuzz moves* Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
What do you get when you put mice in the oven? Mice crispies.
Just read "The Three Musketeers," and it's true, the book is always better than the candy
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? He saw what happened to the zebra.
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. Hey it could happen!
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on one shoulder ... The bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the frog says, "Brooklyn, der's hundreds of um."
How do you blow a tranny? Depends on your definition of a tranny
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Did you hear about the lesbian construction company? There are no studs, it's all tongue and groove . . .
Is the penis a muscle or a bone? A bone cause all the bitches run after it
What do gay horses eat ? hayyyy
What do you say to pick up Adele at a bar You had me at *hello*
Knock-knock... "Knock-knock" "Who's there?" "Control Freak - now you say 'Control Freak who?'" :)
Google search history: -double chin reduction exercises -double chin plastic surgery cost -double fudge brownie recipe
I'm the kind of girl people don't look twice at Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr... Yep, now he's looking
What would you get if you crossed the  Easter Bunny with a leprechaun? The Easter Blarney!
What did the dog say to the pig? "You are such a bore."
I'm trying to write a joke with the word "cunt" But I cunt.
So i was sitting on the toilet today... Nah it's a shit joke, nevermind
Big thanks to all the women out there who pretend that scrotums aren't super weird.
What doesn't belong in this group, A lobster, an octopus, a crab, or a chinese man under a bus? The octopus, obviously, the three others are crustaceans.
I started dating a psychiatrist. Now I'm afraid of commitment.
How do you get 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? A blender. How do you get them out? Tostitos
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Ramadan Putting the slim in Muslim.
there are some really great cocktails you can have when it gets cold. Gin and coffee, gin and hot water, microwaved gin, go nuts
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor.
About a year ago I told my friend there's plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.
I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
Did you hear about the two junkies that fell in love? They tied the knot.
I like when my girlfriend wears a 1 piece The top piece or the bottom piece
Mixologists, bartenders, how to make a smoky manhattan? You fly a plane into the WTC
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
(Classic) Just flew in from England And boy are my arms tired. (Classic)
My very attractive doctor told me I had to stop masturbating "Why?" I asked. "Because I'm trying to examine you"
What do you call meat on the back of a cow? Aspergers
I wish I could date Pokemon GO's servers Because then she'd go down on me 5 times a day.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe his ass
Tronald Dump?
Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
What do you call a boat whose captain has no idea what he's doing and works for free? The Internship
Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag? A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.
So Trump walks into a bar... and sees Bill having a drink. "Hey Bill catch me in the news lately? I'm a bigger pervert than you!" Bill chuckles as he goes back to his drink. "Close, but no cigar."
Hey mind if I try some of your chloroform? Sure knock yourself out.
So I bought an elephant for my friend's room the other day. When I gave it to her, she said, "Thanks." And I said, "Don't mention it!"
Why can't Bernie Sanders win the election? Because 12 year olds can't vote. Edit: I'm actually somewhat of a Bernie supporter, I'm just joking about how he has a lot of youth backing him.
How to get a liberal arts graduate off of your porch? Pay him for the pizza
Short story about sharpness. Man 1: What is more sharp Mouth or Anus? Man 2: Mouth. Man 1: Can you cut your shit using your Mouth? Man 2: ...
Why was the little ink blot so unhappy? Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.
that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER
You know how people called Richard get called Dick? Friend 1: You know people called Richard get called Dick. How do you get Dick from Richard? Friend 2: Depends how you ask him
A man is driving and hits a pole. "I knew I never should've driven in Poland!"
Just saw a bum with bags wrapped around his feet. Must have them new j's, trying to keep them fresh.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I'm an ant Dung Beetle: What am I called? Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let's not focus on labels
Why Doesn't Donald Trump Buy Toilet Paper? Because he has some toilet-toupee.
Your blood pressure looks normal, I'll fix that. - Children, every five minutes.
Two back desk orchestral players go fishing And one falls out of the boat. He screams: "help, I don't know how to swim!" His partner replies: "just fake it!"
Did you know you can catch a bullet... But only once
What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
I was informed last week that "cheat day" does not mean what I thought it did. In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin
I met a new paleontologist today... Fascinating young lady, called Diana Saw-Hunter.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster did.
Some advice to you lovers out there... They may say you cantaloupe, but honeydew it anyways.
Hmm ok Trump may have said another horrible thing but let's not forget Hillary once texted a friend "Omw!" while she was still in the shower
What do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit? A honey bunny.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Remember how white people rioted after OJ Simpson's acquittal? Me neither.
[wife calls] did you write "make all the traps from home alone" on the calendar [me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] "no"
Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler... It was exhausting.
I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying bitch isn't "fun to be around".
TIL: They're making a sequal to Brokeback Mountain... Called Sore Ass Pass.
What's SpongeBob's worst personality trait? He's way too self-absorbent
What's the difference between 2015 and Moore's Law? One's the year of the ram, the other is the ram of the year.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. 
Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee? Because they hate the French Press. (This joke used to be more topical)
I heard Plexiglass coffins are making a comeback, but... Remains to be seen.
I really like working with spices... My newest recipe is cumin cider.
I knew my younger sister was becoming an archeologist after she started dating her best friend's father. She loves to be around old bones.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
A traffic jam is like a bad marriage... ...you're stuck in it because of an accident.
Why is a pool table green? Well you'd be green too if someone racked your balls.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale. I will downvote myself on the way out....
I ran into my ex-wife the other day So I backed up and hit her again, I miss her sometimes
Why did the scare crow get a raise? Because he was outstanding in his field. Annnnd you all have cancer now.
A Hot Romance While watching a romantic movie, my wife leans over and whispers in my ear "I want you to make me sweaty and wet." So I shut off the fan.
What is the worst part of eating vegetables? The wheelchairs.
I didnt know what to wear to my first meeting of the premature ejaculation society.... ...so i came in my pants.
How do you start a racist joke? With a small million dollar loan from his father.
Have you heard about the ATM that got addicted to money? I heard it suffered from withdrawls.
My new breast reduction clinic is called ... Tits for tats.
Who sits on Cinderella's keyboard? Buttons.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
On your resume under skills it says pickpocket? Is that right? (interviewer looks up) (he is wearing only underwear and I'm gone)
Yes, you're drawing your eyebrows too high. Don't look so surprised.
I would tell a joke about my dick... but there isn't much to it.. :(
What do buccaneers let off on bonfire night? Piratechnics!
My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT.
With all of this negativity in the media At least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
Why are orphans terrible baseball players? They don't know where home is.
Senate: Red House: Red Supreme Court: Red President: Orange
Did you hear about the guys who snorted curry powder instead of cocaine? One of them now has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.
I've honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. I love that joke, it never grows old.
What did Magic Johnson give his teammates after winning an NBA title? A HI-V (high five)
2 integrals are working out at the gym One asks the other 'What are you doing today?' 2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure?' 2: 'I'm definite'.
I've always said I'd go to Africa at some point in my life, and do what I could to help all the poor, starving children. But I've just had so much on my plate recently.
How many factory farmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would rather keep you in the dark!
[3rd grade] bae: come over me: no bae: my parents aren't home. me: but we're only 7, that's awful parenting. bae: but- me: AWFUL. PARENTING.
How to get out of ANY jam. Switch to jelly.
When asked why he wouldn't upgrade his operating system to Windows 8... Arnold Schwarzenegger replied: 'Windows 8, never! I still love Vista baby'...
I watched a comedian called Paul Jones the other day. He was Appauling!
JFK and Abe Lincoln were two of the greatest president of all history. I think it's because they were so Open Minded.
A wise meteorologist once told me... Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.
Bestiality People who take part in bestiality are fucking animals!
Don Draper struggles to open a PowerPoint file during an important pitch. #MadMenSeason15
What's the difference between a Chinese man and a lobster under a bus? Nothing. They're both crustacians.
How do you know if a homeless man has a girlfriend? He has two clean fingers.
Breaking news: Trump has fallen into a wishing well. I am as surprised as you are. I had no idea they actually worked.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*watches a movie with you* *loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Sometimes when I throw up I like to pretend the toilet is a baby bird and you're not even reading this anymore are you.
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
*sees a tweet i don't like from a person i follow voluntarily on a free website* I am entitled to compensation
Why can't the Chinese be Nazis? Two Wongs don't make a Reich
Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime. Alfred: You're a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen- Bruce: No I wanna punch people.
Sometimes when I'm riding in an uber, I like to request another uber. Instant car chase.
What's Jared from Subway's favorite chord? A flat minor
*runs into the back of wife's leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time* me: We meet agai- wife: Go wait in the car me: Ok
"Happy birthday! " - Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait... Did you get me a fake diamond? "Well, it's not really your 29th birthday either"
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me: 1) I don't have a car
It's a Boy! James shouted, It's a Boy!!! i still can't believe it! ..with tears rolling down ,James came running out .....swearing never ever to come back to Bangkok again! xD
When someone asks if anyone has recommended Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to me Reddit already.
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
how to beat an egg: - literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I plan to donate my liver to an alcoholic so i'll know it's a match
A world without women would be a pain in the ass.
How do you teach a Jew to pay attention? You send him to a concentration camp.
Watch 'Titanic' backwards and it's the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn't recognize. Go on without me.
Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.
It's a good thing I'm not a god because I'd probably just end up eating the planets after midnight over the sink.
A midget walks into a bar I guess it was set too low
Some people think the Arctic and the Antarctic are the same... ...but in reality, they are polar opposites.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said "Watch me" then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"
[At crime scene] Detective: You need to take this seriously Me: I am *picks up leg bone* Me: I found this humerus. Lol. D: You're fired.
You can't run through a campground You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics? because they never drink alone.
[Concert] Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle [Octagon player struts on stage] Triangle player: "What the-"
Diagnosing myself on WebMD after smoking a joint is a terrible idea, i always end up with HIV and I probably just have gas (and now anxiety)
Journalist asks a neo-nazi "what do you have against foreigners?" "I have an axe"
Healthy midgets don't exist. Midgets are always under the weather.
My father was a nun Whenever the judge asked him for his occupation he would always answer "nun".
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.
Do you like tapes and CDs? Cuz I'm about to tape my dick to your forehead so you can CDs nuts
Someone check the bulletin board... I think it's been shot!
Life is like a cup of coffee... No matter how much sugar you put in it, there's always grounds at the end.
I wrote a horror story using only six words. Donald Trump won the presidential election.
I've even started lying about my age on the treadmill at the gym.
I lost 50 pounds once sadly I was in England at the time.
I'm not racist. Some of my best friends are white such as Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. And I can't forget Chandler.
I dropped french class because my teach was a dick... I was late on the first day and he said i was a retard.
(from my 8 year old) What do you call a Mexican chicken giving directions? Arrows con Pollo
Watched the new Star Wars movie at an outdoor theater..... Watched the new Star Wars movie at an outdoor theater after dusk. It was a Jedi night.
I'm starting a tent business. My first sales event will be called the "Tent Offensive"
I'm Anti-Choice. I think EVERY woman should have an abortion.
If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day? November thirst.
You kids don't remember, but once there were sitcoms about something other than gay guys.
Why was Crassus bad at insults? He never really got the hang of Parthian shots.
For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
What's the temperature inside a tauntaun? Luke warm.
Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
My friend is like a Jew during WWII In the closet.
There are many people who are very self-aware... You know who you are.
Why do girls travel in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
What did the farmer say when his fat pig  wouldn't fit into the pen? "There's more there than meets the sty."
What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
Boy: grandma, have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD. Grandma: f*ck the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
If you can take my girl, then you can have her. If I can take your girl, then you can have her too.
The girl I'm seeing said I should say "make love" instead of "fuck" I said "what the make love are you talking about?"
United States once again votes for a minority President! Donald J Trump is believed to be the first orange President to be elected in the history of the United States.
A fish angrily clutches an umbrella, furious he's still getting wet
So I went to my Hipster drug dealer last night... He gave me an instagram
Hillary's so crooked... she needs a Kaine for support.
I have had it up to HERE with visual metaphors in non-visual formats!
What do you call the female version of Donald Trump? 
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My chemistry blew up Oxidants happen....
The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday.
I can't find a shark website.... That's cos you're dum dum dum dum dum dum dumb......
I went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a Pelican curry... ...it wasn't a bad meal, but the bill was enormous.
Why was the broom late? Because he overswept.
Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? BMWs have the pricks on the inside!
[Seahawks locker room] Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score! Wilson: well put! Well put!
A man walks into a gay bar and says... "Whose dick do I have to suck to suck a dick around here?" Heard it on Game Grumps.
I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake. It had some chunks, but it was delicious.
Plastic Surgeon Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
I hear that strong instruments are best at the inner city. You always hear the news say, inner city violins this... inner city violins that.
Duck Joke A duck walks into a bar. The ducks say, "1 beer please. And put it on my bill." I'll be here all week
Perk of being an abortion doctor One perk of being an abortion doctor is that you don't have to worry about dog's food
When i was younger i had part of my colon removed Now i only have a semicolon
I saw an advert for a Michael Jackson figurine, and at the end of the advert it said... ...not suitable for children, colours may vary.
Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres
Why is ok to leave the lid off a basket of socialist crabs? Because whenever one of them climbs to the top, the others drag it back down.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
What was the name of the Mongolian warlord's favorite cow? Angus Khan
Last year for Christmas I got my little brother an abacus in the shape of a medieval Stronghold... He hated it and was really ungrateful. Our dad said "Hey! It's the fort that counts."
A summary of all Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us. We won. Lets eat.
You ever hear the one about the super-competitive guy who joined a circlejerk? He came in first *and* third. (Ngaio Bealum)
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? "You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"
Two Men are stranded on a Boat with three cigarettes but no matches. One man cleverly throws a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years... Come on guys, I don't have 2021 vision! Oh wait....
Why did Adele cross the road? To say HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE.
My wife and I were extremely happy for 20 years ....and then we met.
What's the difference between a cow and The Bible? You can't milk a cow for 2,000 years.
What's the smartest thing that ever came out of Einstein's wife's mouth? Einstein's dick.
When I wrote "Spiritual" on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch 'Ghostbusters'.
So.. this pickup line works Knock Knock. Who's there? Sex with. Sex with who? Sex with me!
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Why would a needle even be in a haystack? Who sews in a barn?
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? None. According to Trump, they outsourced it to India &amp; China.
[son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Old experiment #You are now breathing and blinking manually. #also you are aware of your tongue now. Let me know if this worked
Why did the cow go moo? [NSFW] Because (s)he's a fucking cow.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no bell prize!
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I'll be banned for life. But I'm willing to take the whisk.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
When I was a kid the swear jar at my house was always empty because my sister was a goddamn fucking thief.
What do you call a bus filled with white people? A twinkie.
The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.
I like my coffee like I like my coffee. Coffee.
What happens when you throw a laptop into the ocean? You have a Dell, rolling in the deep.
Happy New Years 2013! Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!
Roses are red, Violets are blue... I have Alzheimer's, Cheese on toast!
You know what a fat woman and a brick have in common? Both are laid by Mexicans.
There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve.. It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to crash.
Why do black people play basketball? Because it teaches them how to shoot, run and steal.
Happy birthday to both reddit and planned parenthood... My favorite two things keeping me from getting a girl pregnant.
I'm trying to ignore the subway mariachi band that's ruining my commute, but I should have refused to carpool with them in the first place.
Why didn't the cashier laugh at my joke? It didn't make cents
Why are there rugs in front of the stove and the sink? So women know where to stand in the kitchen.
A solid athiest joke. So, a black man and God walk into a bar. The black man gets served first because God doesn't exist.
I've whittled my Starbucks order down to 11 minutes so don't you dare tell me about sacrifice.
Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer? The cat kept fiddling with i.t.
New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.
Waiter waiter there's a bee in my soup. Yes Sir it's the fly's day off.
Do you know why a bicycle can't stand alone? It's two tired.
i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me
The accountant's prayer: Lord help me be more relaxed about insignificant details starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
An immature kid decides to play ding dong ditch
Mountains aren't just funny.... They're hill-areas!
There are three types of people in this world.. Those who can count and those who can't
I watched an entire movie with my daughter without checking Twitter once. I got this addiction beat. Now how do I stop the twitching?
Have you heard of Bill Cosby's new T.V. show? It's called, "Women say the Dardest things." He denies rape charges for thirty minutes.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
A man walks into a zoo.. The only animal at the zoo is a dog. It's a shih tzu.
I came up with a hilarious joke about fermat But the margin was too small to contain it
"So Dave died" Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things "Both. it was a suicide pact" *dave walks in* hey guys
2 antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
What did the blind prostitute say to the guy with five dicks? I don't see where you're coming from.
What's the last thing you want to see on the reddit frontpage? This joke. PS: You don't think so? Prove me wrong.
Why was the chef afraid of cooking steaks on a plane? The steaks have never been higher
"Obama Hires Seahawks Secondary to Intercept Citizen's Texts, Emails" (Just a fake, Onion-y headline)
What do you call pants that can fly? Peter Pants I just made it up
How do churches stay so strong? They pray on the weak.
What do you get when you cross a raccoon, and a steam roller? Rascal Flatts.
I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.
Where do pirates go after they are thrown out of Kansas? Arkansas
One isn't a real number, Real numbers have curves.
Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.
I just want to thank you for explaining that Geico ad to me. It means a great deal.
How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb? Twelve, one to change it and the other eleven to start a support group called "recovering from the darkness"
There aren't enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Why Adele crossed the road? To say hello from the other side
3... 2... 1... sandwich? You fool! You've pressed the LUNCH button, not the LAUNCH button!
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice. Take alligators for example.
I Tweet and drive because the tragedy of me forgetting a Tweet is far greater than me being injuried
What do you call a constipated mason? A brick-layer.
Super soakers are like training wheels for black kids in the hood.
3. The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner...cuz of Twitter.
What do you call a witness to an event in the Middle East? A Dubaistander. Yeah I thought of it myself.
Why do Asian females have small boobs? Because only A's are acceptable. Heard this from a friend.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I'm buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
GENIE: and for your first wish? ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another GENIE: holy shit!
Corn Nuts is the name of a delicious snack treat. And a horrible medical condition.
I'm in a band called "Echoes" You've probably heard us before.
My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my dick And apparently "heating up her meal" is the wrong answer.
After legalizing gay marriages the US became 50 states of gay
What kind of couch do gay people buy? Homo-Sectionals
Hey guys. What's the most reassuring thing about the Riot Police presence in Hong Kong right now? *Their guns are probably made in China.* yuk yuk yuk
What's a prison executioners favorite beer? Shock-top
They agree I'm funny I started my new job at the retirement center today. Told the residents that I'm a really funny guy. They didn't understand any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
Why was the 1 Year old african boy crying? He was having a midlife crisis
Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can. 2/10
How do you say genius sarcastically? Apple genius.
What did one condom say to the other while passing a gay bar? Lets go in there and get shit faced.
Most of my jokes sound funnier in my head Like this one
What do you get when you cross egg whites with a bomb? A boomerang
My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY "All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday" [mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma] IT'S PAYBACK TIME
With what do Mexicans use to cut pizza? Little Ceasars
If you hear that someone prefers natural light. You can assume they are not discussing beer.
Which war was the hungriest? Viet-nom.
How do you tell which truck is the mail truck? It has huge balls on it. Credit goes to the 70 year old man who just came into my work and made my day.
*locks doors and rolls window down almost a quarter of the way* "you fellas mind not skateboarding so close to my driveway"
reddit's "letterbox" is sorta like a ... wordbank.
Guinea Pig When I was five years old, my teacher asked me if I wanted to take the school guinea pig home. Seven months later, I arrived in the African republic of Guinea.
[at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan
As a muslim, I'm sick of the 9/11 jokes because my parentd died too. They just weren't in the buildings.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A faggot with dentures.
Reddit is a lot like my fridge. I check it constantly, even though I know nothing has changed.
What do you call a flat-breasted french woman? Petits
When a cop asks if you know why they pulled you over, smile, take their hand in yours and say, "Sounds like somebody needed a friend"
How do you circumsise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.
Last week I tried talking to a politician about rape laws... She couldn't see where I was coming from.
What do you call a fake noodle? an impasta.
What happened when the pig ran into his ex? there was a porkward silence
What's beef jerky? Dried parts of a cow that had Parkinson's.
What did the primary rainbow say to the  secondary rainbow?  -Your pants are on backwards
"Nutella causes cancer" says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. "Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them."
Disguise a mini-recorder as a walkie-talkie and play this at high volume: "DO YOU COPY? IT'S A BEAR WITH HUMAN HANDS! A BEAR WITH--[static]"
What do you call a prostitute drinking tea in Seattle? Hooker Tea Washington.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I'll ttyl Mom: But ur office is a landline? Me: oh...so it is....K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. I am jobless now.
Just once I want to see "Soooo many animals harmed in the making of this movie. Like, SO many. An insane amount. Too many, probably."
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
What's long and black? The unemployment line
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
There's a school in my town so rough they have to check students for weapons at the gate. If you don't have one they give you one. Certified Dad quality joke. Tried it out on my kids this morning.
What do you call a ring of iron atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why do black people always die first in scary movies? Because they never run from nothin but the police
My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
What's the difference between porn and music? Volume...
A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.
My wife is like a drug to me She ruined my life.
My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake... ...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.
Did you hear about the dwarf who failed? He came up short
What is it called when you teach a girl to be a hooker? Prostitutoring
The Lost Bet by Henrietta Hart
I drink to forget that I accidentally once said "I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
My wife said, "Why are you always pushing me around and talking behind my back?" I said, "well, you are in a wheelchair".
There's one fantasy scene in 50 Shades of Grey that I'd love to be part of in real life... ...specifically, the part where the protagonist gets a job straight out of college.
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she could moan with the other.
I had my wife on all fours last night... As she was telling me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
Why don't gypsies use condoms ? They have crystal balls so they see it coming.
Why are Muslims so good at driving at night? Because that's when they brake fast.
Glad everyone is done talking about the fight. Now how about that May weather?
Why can you ran thourgh a campground but not run through a campground? Because it's past tents
What do you call a midget physic that has escaped from prison?? A small medium at large
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.
Social Media For Drug Dealers It's called instagram
Since we're still doing Pirate Jokes... What's the Pirates favorite letter? Ya think it be the Arrrr, but it's really the C.
What did the mama frog say to the baby frog when they left for a party? "You better amphi-BE-ON your best behavior."
What is a mouse's favourite game ? Hide and squeak !
My finger broke through the toilet paper so I dunked my hand in liquid nitrogen and shattered it with a hammer.
Why do so many Australian men experience premature ejeculation? Because they can`t wait to get out and tell all their friends about scoring.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
What do you call a woman on her period? A bloody cunt.
Threesome? No thank you. If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at once, I would go to dinner with my parents.
I know Karate... ...And like two other Japanese words.
[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* 'Your balance is: awful'
what do you call Coq Au Vin made with Two Buck Chuck? Chick n' Chuck!
Monogamy is having one spouse. Polygamy is having more than one spouse. Monopolygamy is marrying the Monopoly Guy.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out? Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long
"Just so you know, you're coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
A father and his son are watching their dog clean himself... Son: Don't you wish you could do that, Dad? Dad: Nah, I'm afraid he might bite me.
Why did the computer scientist die in the shower? The bottle of shampoo said, "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family. The perfect murder.
Crazy how people more successful than me are lucky and people less successful than me haven't worked as hard
I buy my son a hot chocolate so after he quits burning his mouth I know mine is safe to drink.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age  I was six."
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.
I don't see the point of strip clubs. All they do is frustrate you and take all your money. I have a wife for that.
How many goals did Germany score? A brazillian
I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should: Go for it, slow down, or just stop.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don't capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I used to be a police officer... A guy came up to me when I was patrolling a street and asked if he could urinate between my wrist and elbow. I said "Not on my watch."
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do a rape-sex fantasy. She said, "No!" I replied, "That's the spirit."
What do the Zika virus and Catholic priests have in common? They both give kids a little head.
Did you hear the one about the wooden car? With the wooden wheels? And the wooden engine? .... it wooden work
NCAA Hockey needs to re-name brackets. How is Alaska in the NE? They can see Russia.
Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4? They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.
Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.
What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
You wanna know the most HUMOROUS person I know? My Chiropractor, he really cracks me up
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year
Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin* Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Are you a beaver? Cuz dam.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it's like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
What did the 1 gay guy say to the other gay guy in a bar? Can I push in your stool.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?
Did you know that Erwin Schrodinger's funeral was closed casket? He was buried (|Dead&gt; + |Alive&gt;) / sqrt(2)
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"
Look, lady, you can either be disappointed that I have an average penis, or excited that I have a GIGANTIC micropenis.
Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
Quick Jokes http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2013/09/50-terrible-quick-jokes-thatll-get-you-a-laugh-on-demand/
God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan"
Active voice: I loved your book Passive voice: Your book was loved Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I invented a new word the other day. Plagiarism.
1.Not leaving my room 2.Not leaving the house 3.Missing someone's birthday party My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
I'd be calmer defusing a bomb after four Red Bulls than watching someone else use my laptop.
Girl: "all boys are the same" Yes, because Zac Efron, Adolf Hitler and Barack Obama share extreme similarities.
Fish jokes? I'm working a community fish fry and need your best fish jokes! Like: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Went on a date once. He ordered for me, "She'll have a small side salad." I said, "Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato."
*sees burglar *throws flashlight at him *misses *throws another *misses *throws another *misses *throws another Burglar: WTF Me: COSTCO
What are most people afraid of about Hilary Clinton? Her Penis
What's the integral of 2x with the limits from 10 to 13? A good time ;)
TIFU By posting in the wrong subreddit
What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the bunko squad? A small medium at large.
How does the Kool-Aid man end his jokes... with a punchline.
What is big and red and rolls over in the snow? Santa Claus hit in the balls!
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you're getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
Why is reddit so liberal? Because upvotes are to the left
evanescence - noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence. So that's what happened. Great band name, guys.
I finally figured out why so few people still have fucks to give ! The gangster rappers stole the whole supply for their songs
Whats worse than having a lobster on yer piano? Having crabs on yer organ!
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark
I used to have a Viagra addiction. It was the hardest part of my life.
I once went on a date with a playwright It was all going well, until she started making a scene
I hate when people tell me I don't get it. Like, what does that even mean?
Salesman: That suit looks nice. It fits like a bandage. Customer: Thanks. I bought it by accident.
Repost! You're a fucking joke.
I put the "ate" in chocolate.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex: I think I love you. Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window: Okay....
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Two friends: - I heard that you have founded a musical band. - Yes it is a quartet. - How many are you? - We are three. - Three? - Me and my brother. - You have a brother? - No why do you ask?
Am I the only one who's concerned about the fact that we haven't heard SHIT from Wyoming in like nine years?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
What does a Jewish man, an Asian man, and a black man have in common? They all like cantaloupe.
Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
Damn girl, is your dad in jail? Cuz if I was your dad, I'd be in jail.
Why was a missile looking for a job? Because it got fired!
*Cowboy stares at the horizon* "A storm's comin" [In the distance, Darude 'Sandstorm' can be heard faintly] *Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Mini M&M's - for when you just can't finish an entire M&M
If it was the choice between having the last pizza on earth or the last sex on earth, which toppings would you have on your pizza.
I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.
The Mrs recognizes my "tell" when I've seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud "A-OOGA" noise.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it's all around you
Ladies, they're called "Skinny Jeans." Not "Makes You Skinny Jeans."
What do you get when you cross a tiger with a cabbage? Man-eating coleslaw.
Ill never try suicide again! Last time I almost killed myself
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.
What's a orphans first words? I don't know. But it sure as hell isn't mommy or daddy.
I saw my buddy Barry Goldstein at the casino the other night. It was very un-jew-sual.
Beer makes you smart. It made Bud wiser.
What do you call an Eskimo peeping tom? Tukaluk
How does an Asian Cowboy say Hello? "Ni-Hao-dy"
A guy with Apple maps walks into a bar... Or a church... Or a children's hospital
LPT: Don't spend you time posting LPT on reddit. No one on reddit has a life.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he's called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.
Lance Armstrong flew to NY yesterday to fight the allegations of doping. ... would have been more convincing if he'd taken a plane, though.
My girlfriend accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.
Kanye West ruined his chances of having sex with Taylor Swift this weekend... TIDAL and his album release have proven he's premature.
I fell off a forty foot ladder today.... lucky I was on the bottom rung.
How is "Shark spotted swimming off the coast" news worthy? Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that's different.
"This is literally the worst beer I've ever tasted." *finishes six pack*
Childish but made me laugh How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?"
5: daddy can I tell you a secret? Me: sure thing buddy 5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
Joke How do you find Ronald McDonald on a naked beach? His sesame seed buns!
Today Americans celebrate Labor Day By not working and expecting to get paid for it.
How to cure affluenza? Introduce him to Warhammer.
Who did the Rebel pilot pledge loyalty to before crashing into the Death Star? ADMIRAL ACKBAR!!!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk.
What does a kangaroo and a banana have in common? They both can't ride a bike.
*visits new girlfriend's house for 1st time* "Make yourself at home" Great. Thanks! *I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
You hear about the kids book that explains the Big Bang and Big Crunch to children? "One Shift, Two Shift, Red Shift, Blue Shift." By Doppler Seuss.
I used to steal other people's jokes.... I still do. But I used to too.
There was a Muslim guy who I went to high school with who was always late we called him 9/12
Wait till the hamburglar finds out about money
Skrillex is living proof that our society isn't completely superficial yet and that most of my farts should be winning Grammys.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Dog in a Bar A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
What can turn a fruit into a vegetable? Aids.
How was Rome cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.
Ted, The bus driver got pulled over.. He was busted.
What the difference between a feminist and a knife? A knife has a point.
Guys: never wear a Saran Wrap skirt to a job interview... They will clearly see your nuts.
There is a guy in my area pooping on people's cars. He's currently public enemy number 2.
I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I went to a disco last night... (mildly NSFW) They played The Twist, so I did the twist. They played Jump, so I jumped. They played Come on Eileen I got kicked out.
Whats's Glenn's favourite restaurant? Popeyes
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
ME: I'm heading to the shop ROOMMATE: What are you going to get? ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Some people are like prawn. No guts, no spine, and a head full of shit.
And I'll have the KKK omelet All whites.
Why did Jerry Hall marry Rupert Murdoch? He's not much to look at, but he's a great listener.
Dear Airlines, We never really turn the phones off. Signed, Everyone
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Jehovah's Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus? Jesus: *In disguise* sure JW: He's lame J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Every trip to the supermarket is a game of "Dodge The Indecisive Old People With My Cart."
Why do flower beds have mulch? So you can't see their underplants.
Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers. They never take a stab in the dark.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I hope Elon Musk never gets in a scandal Because Elongate would be really drawn out.
People often ask why i dont shave myself, and i tend to give them a simple answer I have better things to do than to cut myself..... (sorry)
Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for.
What is the difference between Napoleon and his son? One is a Bonaparte from the other.
I can't wait until the year 2054 when the easy-listening music you hear in elevators will be Skrillex.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir? Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please. Cop: Step out of the vehicle. Me: Sprite.
what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help ? stay calm . reload . and try again.
What is a stuttering ballerinas favourite day of the week Tu-Tu Tuesday
What is a salad's favorite type of road? A bowl-ivard
Q: Why did Thoreau build a house? A: Because he wanted to be walled-in.
Want to have a haircut like Jesus? Just ask for the "What Would Jesus 'Do!"
Neil deGrasse Tyson walks into a bar. Everyone leaves. "EVERYONE?" he chuckles to himself. "7.4 billion humans couldn't fit in this space."
Math is like another language 2n+2n is 4n to me
I've ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Why do Cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose
I am no Joker But I know who he is.
[Calls an ex] Ex: Hello Me: Remember how you lied about everything Ex: Why are you doing this Me: It's Throwback Thursday
Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that's only after I've eaten Mexican food.
Sex Ed in 2015
What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name? Alcoholics synonymous.
Why did the golfer wear two pants? He got a hole in one
Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do. When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 &amp; 5. Turns out he's an odd job man.
A little haiku about finals. I am really fucked. Where did the semester go? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I'm constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. Fun game
She asked me for breakfast in bed... I said "maybe you should swallow next time."
What food makes women stop having sex? A wedding cake
I found I out I was concieved at my grandmothers funeral... Appearently, my Mum was trying comfort him. Stupid mourning wood.
If Apple made a car... Would it have Windows?
What is AdBlock?
Yo mama is so fat that when she fell in love She broke it.
Why did the black man go to the golf-club on Sunday afternoon? Because he had a membership.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It's true, It runs in your jeans.
Do you know how Michael Jackson really died? He ate a 3 year old wiener.
What's the most efficient way to break up with someone? Murder. I had to post this to r/jokes to keep from implicating myself
My friend threw his watch in the trash. "Stop!" I told him, "You're wasting time!"
The local radio station is having a contest. First place wins a week in New Jersey. Second place wins 2 weeks in New Jersey.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told? Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
How do you juice an orange? Play with its citorus
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong... Bullshit. What if loving you is gross? That's the question.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's an obscure number, you wouldn't know it.
Reading the Cheesecake Factory menu. Don't tell me how it ends!
Did you hear about the idiot who filled out an employment application? In the blank labeled "Church Preference" he filled in: Red brick.
What do you get when you mix Michael Jordan with Donald Trump? A Dunkin' Donut.
When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That's how doors work.
My 10 year old niece said her science teacher entered her in a science fair I said, call the police!
Sometimes when you eat too much carrot, you turn orange and you run for presidency.
The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old
If there was an award for laziness... I'd make someone go get it for me.
"They're looking for you." "Who is?" "These nuts"
Listen Mrs. Potato Head, you are married. No matter how many times you open your ass to me, I'm not doing it. Drunk Irish whore.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
My ex-wife still misses me... ...but her aim is getting better!
What's the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl? Everything. They have absolutely nothing in common.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Why don't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.
Listening to dubstep. Wait nope just my cat tumbling in the dryer.
My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
Sudoku... It's a numbers game.
Two pretzels were walking down the street... And one was a-salted.
A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I'm turning into my mother.
When I figured out that people walk on hardwood and carpet, I was floored.
Just bought a Tupac of Eminems for 50 Cents It was Ludacris!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school  there was no history class.
Professor X can move objects with his mind If Professor X can move objects with his mind, why can't he make his legs move??
If vid games answered back in real time they'd move lots more units I DIED? BULLSHIT! "Maybe if you didn't suck.." *slams x-box on floor*
[Having a problem with my iPhone] Me: *texting myself* Test Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
What is Billy Joel's favorite Bill Murray movie? Caddyshack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.
Uber driver: "I'm close, where are you?" Me: "oh I see you" Uber Driver: "Are you the guy in the middle of the road?" Me: "yeah floor it"
It looks like I'm missing a lot of tweets. They were probably so great the Library of Congress just couldn't wait to archive them.
With Murray testing free agency maybe the cowboys should pick up both Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson on the cheap! They would be a good one two punch!
Sad to think it's been three years since Notorious B.I.G. would have died of heart disease anyway.
What's the difference? What's the difference between a colorful explosion in the sky and a black person? Fire works.
Benedict Arnold's boy pointed out the front window ...and pointed at a maple. "Look daddy, a bush," he said excitedly. "That's not a bush," Benedict replied, "that's a tree son."
Did you hear about the Mexican Army's new weapons? Everyone was issued a nail gun.
Surprisingly, the only Street Fighter II move based on one of Chuck Norris' was Chun-Li's. Chuck Norris prefers to travel by performing four upside-down double-roundhouse kicks per second.
After ten minutes trying to explain twitter to a friend I gave up and told her it was a pyramid scheme.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Dad: Son.. Get me that Doptid Son: What's a Doptid Dad : You are...
Why do men sound like they're having an orgasm when they're lifting weights? And why is my father lifting weights in the bathroom?
How can I face the problem? When my problem is my face!
What is a ghosts favourite job? Tax Inspectre
What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine.
It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
I'd like to thank my student loans I don't think i can ever repay them for getting me through college
[shopping] May I help you find something? "Where are the giants?" What? "Your sign outside says there's a giant sale."
I opened a company.... for guys with erectile dysfunction because I felt sorry for them. Now they all want a bloody raise.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn't exist.
It's nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: A Rip Off
What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance.
Why did the Chicken cross the playground? To get to the other **SLIDE**.
What language do bill boards use? Sign language.
Chuck Norris had AIDS. Then he said, 'Do you not know who I am?' Chuck has been AIDS-free ever since.
get the butter out hillary is toast!
Q: What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains? A: Patty O'Furniture.
Indian man's pick up line Once you go brown you never turn around...
[Poison Ivy's home] Voice from outside: YOU CONTROL PLANTS? WHAT KIND OF POWER IS THAT? Ivy: [thru window] Go home, Aquaman. You're drunk.
Dicks are like bullets Small calibers don't penetrate shit, and the exploding ones really fuck you up.
I sat down and watched this movie with Nicolas Cage the other day... We talked through the whole movie and he is actually a pretty cool guy.
My wife mentioned that she couldn't remember if she took her anti-anxiety medication. I asked if she was worried about it?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak. What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom.
Ever had sex while camping? ... ITS FUCKING INTENTS
A planet died today I read about it in the orbituaries.
What's the most cleanest animal on the planet? A Hygiena.
"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife."
There's a guy at the office today wearing full camo. At least I think so... I haven't seen him in a while.
I've got a good joke for you guys But you've probably all Reddit before... xD
Oscar Pistorius is soon getting out of jail. 10 months without sex, you should hide, ladies. But for the love of God, not in the bathroom.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"...
John met god and God said "John come forth and you will receive eternal light" sadly John came fifth and won a toaster
another bar joke a neutron walks into a bar and asks ' how much for a drink ' the bartender replies ' for you, no charge'
Why don't Jews eat pussy? Because its too close to the gas chamber!
April showers bring May flowers.. And Mayflowers bring smallpox.
I just checked out the new Windows 10 browser. I'm still on the edge to download Google Chrome.
Spicy Pickup Line If I had a can of salt, I'd assault you. But all I have is cumin.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA? ROCK HARD ABS!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Who else takes their phone out when you're in public by yourself, just so you don't look like some idiot with no friends.
[planning heist] Me: We'll need the element of surprise. Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I'm Ne
What does a terrorist tell hes son? Aim to the sky, maybe you'll shoot a plane.
[In cubicle at work] *pretends to start clipping my nails* *tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip* CW: WTF!
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? [nsfw] I don't fuck my sandwich before I eat it. (Although they're terrible I can't help but to love dead baby jokes)
Five years after the Financial Meltdown, isn't it time to recognize that 'The Financial Meltdown' would be an amazing name for a sandwich?
Two admins meet at work "A friend of mine was able to shut down the main server just in 5 minutes!" "Wow. He is a hacker?" "No. Just an idiot."
"OMG, I FORGOT TO CHECK FACEBOOK" - somebody almost about to get some work done
[studying beached whale] its a new species bill think of a name ok um *surfer walks by* yo killer whale dude *biologists look at each other*
Windows 9 Why is there no Windows 9? Cause 7 8 9 7 Ate 9 LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can't see them anymore.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wa-TA
Why do old man's penises have low increases in size? because old men have low young's modulus
What's bad about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
Carrie Knock! Knock! Who's there? Carrie. Carrie who? Carrie on with what you're doing, I'm at the wrong door.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the Fresh Prince.
So I went to a feminist picnic the other day. It was great, but no one would make me a sandwich.
Things that kinda rhyme... Very Hungry Caterpillar Scary Money Counterfeiter
Why did the spotted pigs run away? They thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on the dotted swine.
Always remember you're someones reason to smile Because youre a joke
My doctor told me that I should avoid salty things I'm gonna miss playing MOBAs
I'm really disappointed after hearing about Trump and the golden shower thing. I thought we had seen the end of republican trickle down economics.
Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.
Just said, "Because I said so!," and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Love is like peeing yourself  everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.
A guy and his girlfriend are talking Her: Come over. Him: I'm coming over. Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.
I bet God's email spam box is filled with all the prayers from athletes.
How many dyslexics does it change to light a take bulb?
I just joined alcoholics anonymous I still drink, just use a different name
Balloons are stupid. "Happy birthday! Here's a buncha sacks of breath."
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk
I met a NASCAR driver once He told me his only regret in life was turning right.
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.  "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.
Went to a hot dog convention hoping to meet some women but it turned out to be a sausage fest
If you watch an Apple store get robbed... are you an iWitness?
WAITER: soup or salad? CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it...
I saw a group of children crying during my visit to Kiev so I said, "What Ukraine for?"
Give it to me, I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me! no matter how much she begged, I would't give her the umbrella
I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Physicist Frank Wilczek states that there is life on other planets... Profesor Stephen Hawking maintains his position.
What's the first rule for hitting on girls? Hit them where it won't show.
What do you call a Crazy Female Deer? A Doenut
So I was talking to my Australian friend when I asked him what country his Mother was from "Alaska" "Okay well tell me what she says"
I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist. It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.
In Soviet Russia, no one make comments on r/jokes Because in Soviet Russia, real comment is always in joke
Scientists just discovered a contraceptive better than a condom It's called your face
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Q. Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a  race? A. Because all his friends shout "GO-RILLA!"
Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 70% water. I can walk on babies. I'm... In prison.
Q: What can you do if you don't like the Prelude in C Sharp Minor? A: Turn Rachmanin off.
Why did the old man throw the matress out the window? Dementia
Today has been the best day of my life as I am no longer a 30 year old virgin! I turned 31 today.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Mayweather won
Pendanticness test Look in the comment section for your results.
Narcissism It's in your best self interest.
I'm scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.
Facebook has become the girlfriend you no longer like but are scared to dump
Sure, white people cant say they "N" word but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"
What do you get when an Investment banker jumps off a cliff? A Con descending Altitude.
There are three kinds of people People who count and people who don't.
What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball? They're both brown except the snowball.
I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
"Dad" said Fred to his father who was a  bank robber. "I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow." "OK son" said his dad "I'll get you the cash when the bank closes."
What do you call a guy with 4 penises who can breathe underwater? Aquatic.
The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, "My place isn't that bad, I can go another week"
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says; 'Is this a joke?'
Buddy Valastro wears too much makeup. He seriously cakes it on. aaaaaand I'm leaving so fast I forgot my shoes.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Hey girl are your parents retarded? Because you're special.
When people talk to me I cut them right off and say "I don't believe a god damn thing you just said" then start making otter noises.
What's the difference between a steampunk bike and a regular bike? On a steampunk bike the gears don't do anything.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was "Elevator Buttons."
Patient: "Doctor, my eye hurts when I drink my tea..." Doctor: "Well take the spoon out then.."
What do you call a Mexican that had his car stolen? Carloss
What do you call a fish poop born out of wedlock? A bass-turd
confucious says man who worships the pussy.... puts his thrust in god.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid's vomit.
I'm not Racist! I have a colour TV.
Did you hear about the Leper going for the masturbation world record? Eventually he pulled it off!
Checking if my webcam is on when I do really shady shit is my grown up version of checking under my bed for monsters.
What do you call a broken lizard? Ereptile dysfunction
Why did the former fitter turned baker enter the lottery? To win dough.
What's the difference between a slut and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Water into wine? I just turned my paycheck into vodka. Your move, Jesus.
Why the chicken cross the road .... to get the Chinese newspaper. Do you get it? Neither do I, I get the new york times
Really no offense ladies,but why do all of you go on about your weight..then post all this food that would clog and  artery...
A chef, a clockmaker, and a thief walk into a bar, but the bartender says he doesn't get the joke. They all say, "It's okay, these things take thyme."
best joke ever! The Dallas Cowboys.
What did the blind, innocent, sweet, paraplegic 7 year old boy get for his birthday? Cancer.
I too went to the reddit restaurant... I had to ask other customers for sauce for any of the dishes.
What do the janitors clean the Reddit office with? Derpentine.
I just HATE people that make gay jokes... Fucking assholes...
Did you hear there was a blackout last night? Don't worry, we caught him
Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have? The Trump card. Edit: so that's what they mean by RIP Inbox...
"You've got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car: That's why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Excuse me, but I feel like your eyebrows owe me an apology.
What do you call it when someone steals an idea r/Jokes
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Edit: lol it flaired accurately
What do you call Justin Bieber's singing? Canada Dry.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
What do you call a bench with white people? the NBA
Why did the stripper need more insurance? She had little to no coverage.
Why did team USA get a silver in Men's Diving? Because Steele Johnson always comes second.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
What happened to the man with a legal fetish when he went to court for his parking ticket? He got off on a technicality
Whiteboard and Eraser Why was the whiteboard angry with the Eraser? The Eraser had rubbed the Whiteboard the wrong way.
My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss... We don't know each other's name.
Why aren't there Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because there are Targets on every corner.
Why did the hipster die? someone told him billions of people were alive.
I would have been a gastroenterologist... But I didn't give a shit
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement? GUY NAMED BARRY: "How about a barry?" GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: "How about a barrier?"
What do you call a gay orgy? A fruit salad
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but...nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control I'm stepping through the door & I'm floating in a most peculiar way GC: New phone. Who dis?
Why did the young ghost leave the party? Everyone started drinking boo's. ^^^Happy ^^^Halloween!
What do you call a centaur that can't get a blow job The headless horseman
Since it's the thought that counts I'll just keep on thinking about doing exercise.
Girlfriend: "What's senior year without a little slacking?" Me: "Junior year."
I was driving today... And saw a sign that said, "Steamed Crabs". I began to wonder: "What made them so mad?"
A horse walks into a Police Station. Not a joke it actually happened http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-29550834 I would welcome a few jokes based upon this though.
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He thought he was following someone.
What happens when you shoot a black man? You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...
My dad gave me a stamp collection for my birthday... I said, "Did you buy these or save them from all the years of not paying child support." -Courtesy of Tommy Johnagin
Give me your best jokes regarding or featuring animals. For science.
No one laughed at my geography joke I guess you had to be there.
What did the fruit say to the vegetable before dinner? Lettuce, pray.
What political ideology does Hades consider himself to be apart of? Plutocracy
I was in chemistry class today.... ...Man it was Bohring
Dad cooks venison and doesn't tell the kids what it is He gives them one hint: "It's what your mother calls me" The boy yells: "It's a FUCKING DICK! Don't eat it!"
Blonde Jokes What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown? artificial intelligence What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair red? Selling her soul for intelligence
Great. My wife is on her exclamation mark.
So /r/The_Donald... That's it, what a joke.
A man walks into a bar And says "ouch"
Why do authors subtitle their books, "A Novel". Did someone look at their book one day and say "I thought this was a sandwich?"
So Rene points to Gorgias in the schoolyard and says, "you're a stupid solipsist...". ...and Gorgias says, "I know you are but what I am."
So three Hahnium atoms walk into a bar, HA HA HA
I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure
Me: You won't believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza. Him: M: *looks down* *sees pepperoni all over*
What do you call a fat man in a white t-shirt? A Man-in-a-tee.
When I asked my girlfriend what car she was going to buy... She said, "I don't know. I just want something that gets me from A to B." She's so stupid. No car is going to increase her cup size.
I've been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always  drink to "that".
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". She said "That's a mirror".
What is an alcoholic's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird
BUT GHOSTBUSTERS NEVER GAVE US THEIR NUMBER.
What stories are told by basketball  players? Tall stories!
I had a friend who used to draw on her eyebrows. One day, she accidentally drew them to high. When I told her, she looked surprised.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
I made love to a girl in quicksand. That was the only time she went down on me.
Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone... ... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?
My Chinese friend died last night So Yung
My wife doesn't mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.
A woman in labour is screaming at her husband. He says "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass." "But Nooo, u thought THAT MIGHT HURT!"
Tonight's flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze. It's a word? Whatever, man. I don't know algebra and shit.
Mary had a little lamb...... Best lamb chops I ever ate. SUCK IT VEGANS!
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
How to fall down the stairs Step One: Step Six: Step Seven: Step Ten: Step Fifteen:
"Look who comes crawling back to apologize." "I am so sorry, can I please have my wheelchair back now?"
If "wings" mean "diabetes" then yes, Red Bull gave me that.
You know Coca Cola's newest advertising campaign in russia? Under each seventh cap - **vodka**!
Why did the chicken decide not to cross the road? because it did.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare] And here's more footage of people, but I'm sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
So a clown gets eaten by a shark...
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife's insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree? me [bleeding] Wasn't a cat
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Another gorgeous fall morning I wish I was sleeping through.
What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?
What do michael jackson and Mcdonald's have in common? they both put thirty year old meat in five year old buns
He wants my carcasses apparently. I think autocorrect won that round.
What do you call a lazy baker? A loafer...
If doors have a website shouldn't windows have one too? We'd better or it will be curtains for us.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey! "What'll it be?" [out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I'm vegan
My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday". That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Christmas Trees and The Pope Q: What do Christmas trees and The Pope have in common?? A: Their balls are for decoration only
How did Jesus pay for our sins? Pray-Pal
So I hear you like snakes...I have one its called a "trouser snake"
Why was the Scotsman buried on the hill? He died.
Just talking to my neighbor, I said "your" instead of "you're" AND HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!! Hahaha what an idiot!!!
Does anyone want to buy grilled cheese? http://miami.craigslist.org/pbc/evs/5494716931.html
[1st date] Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma'am ? Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?
Why Did The Blind Student Get an F On His Paper? He didn't sight sources.
Closing a browser window when someone walks by my computer is the most Pavlovian thing that I do.
Why was the ladybird kicked out of the forest?  Because she was a litter bug.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bubbles ! Bubbles who ? Bubbles bangles and beads...!
I'll act my age when I'm 69 lol
Q: How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself? A: Acupuncture.
I don't get why Robert and Cersei never seemed to get along... They didn't even have a legitimate issue.
My sinuses are under so much pressure Vanilla Ice just ripped them off.
Harper Lee's new novel is a Mexican spinoff of her classic... Tequila Mockingbird
A father walks up to his son... and says to him, "Do we have any more dopted?" The son says, "What's a dopted?" "You are!" "Dad, that's not funny." "I'm not your dad!" (Credit to my bartender Casey)
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
How many Dependent P.D. does to take to  change a lightbulb? None he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police He's now a seasoned veteran.
What did the overbearing mother melon say to her son and his girlfriend? You Cantaloupe.
Reddit Gold
What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend? Having to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it's more of a beached-dad-bod.
How do you make a dog say meow? Put it in the freezer, then get a chainsaw and cut it. MEEEEEEEOOOWWW!!
What do you get when you clone a cyborg? A cyclone.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
What's a dinosaur's favourite poetic meter? Ptero-Dactyls
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away. *I see my coworker is nervous* Me: Relax, how bad can it be. Salmon: Shut. Up.
The man who invented anagrams has died. May he erect a penis.
It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam &amp; Eve versus evolution You're just comparing apples and origins
Cheap prostitutes are like coffee If you put your dick in them it's gonna burn
A blowfly walks into a bar.... And asks "Is this stool taken?"
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died. His funeral will take plac
Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I conquered. Julius Caesar with P.E: I came.
My arm tried killing me last night I told him "nice tri"
There was a recall on my hearing aid but I never heard about it.
Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. Thestewardess looked at them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrionper passenger is allowed."
I only remember the punchline: "Follow the yellow-dicked toad!" Anyone know the joke?
5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
Kevin Hart is performing in Baltimore tonight..... Should be a riot :p
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs? Exactly where you left it.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, and the other's a great year. x/post from r/funny
I met my bae on PirateBay... You could even say I swept her off her foot.
how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia? when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day
I entered ten puns into a pun contest, hoping one would win... But I've never been good at puns.
What is a Jawa's favorite vegetable? Zucchini
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport DAD: no SON: I can yell boom DAD: boom's ok SON: how about "my mom's a lesbian now" DAD: please don't
women sure love never chilling the fuck out
The sign said, "Call Jesus for help." The next day I had a Mexican guy mowing my lawn.
Why doesn't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he's dead.
A couple of camels are walking in the dessert... And I was like: hey get out of my ice cream cake, you camels.
My ex is so slutty... that if she had sex with a guy with Ebola, he would die of AIDS first.
Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I'm onto your marketing scam... #EasterBaskets
I like my coffee like I like my women... Black and made by my dad.
Sorry I faked a seizure at your party but my phone's battery dropped to 10%, you wouldn't stop talking and I had to go so I could charge it.
Snickers wrapper: "contains peanuts", I expected, but "brief language" and "partial nudity" was a total surprise.
I joined a nudist colony in Canada. To be honest, I'm starting to get cold feet.
Whats the last thing to go through a bugs mind as it hits the windshield of your car? Its asshole.
Dreamers dream. Livers detoxify.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
I like my pizza like I like my pizza: pizza
In high school, everyone used to call me the class clown it was probably because of the face paint.
"Mom, i'm in the hospital." "Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."
What do you call a half Mexican half German person? A Beaner Schnitzel.
Once you go black... ..you become a single mother. ^^^sorry
Helen Keller walks into a bar... Then a table...then a chair.
Why is the letter E lazy? Because it's always in bed.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date] you ever see a horse throw up? "no" *smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I just overheard a woman tell her son "We don't lick other people, it's gross" and now I'm reevaluating so many choices I've made.
Alchoholic invester Is liquidating his assets
I got asked out by 7 girls today... I was in the girls washroom.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can't reach.
I like my coffee like my humor. I drink tea.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody's scared of sleeping bags.
They put babies on packages of toilet paper because that's what we used to wipe with before scientists discovered they grow up into people
When my mother was 53 she started running 5 kilometers every day. Now she's 68 and we don't know where the hell she is...
what lives in a box and needs air? a U.S veteran.
The government forcibly took over MarshallMathers.com They cited Eminem domain
How does a farmer count cows? with a cow-calculator.
What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino? Helefino.
What has four hairy legs and likes to fuck my sister? My dad and I.
Never hire a guy with big muscles They move things around all day to look good, but don't actually do anything
Why did sally fall of the swing ? She didn't have any arms . Knock-Knock Who's there ? Not Sally !
Two electrons walk into a bar and... The Big Bang Theory is the worst. I would sooner stab my eyeballs with a pen than watch it
A deer walked out of a gay bar and said... I just blew ten bucks in there!
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
Why did the cowboy get a daschund? Because someone told him to get along little doggie.
Is your refrigerator running?? Because I might vote for it.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent
what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?
I just bought a nice 12 year old scotch His parents weren't very pleased.
Chuck Norris can't fuck with Kanye! lool Chuck Norris is the only person Kanye West won't interrupt!
Buckwheat converted to Islam... He is now Kareem of Wheat
Carl: Cold out night. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders' ability to make webs. Me: Fair enough.
Absolute Funniest Joke You Have Ever Heard Whether it be racist, sexist, chemistry related, or something else I triple dog dare you to post it.
How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Rectal thermometer tastes like shit
My girlfriend said I should be more Romantic... She didn't like my toga but the orgy was great!
If I squint really hard, nope. You're still an idiot.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America.
Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
*at hostage negotiation class Prof: Let's go around and say why we're here Man: I joined the NYPD Woman: I'm in the FBI Me: I have a toddler
Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument. I didn't really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
At first, I didn't like my haircut. But then it grew on me.
I have exponential spelling but terrible malapropism
Why did the University of Kentucky have to put AstroTurf down on the stadium? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at halftime.
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar... Bartender says "what can I get you?" dog replies "nothing.... I'm just looking for the man who shot my paw"
A tee-shirt idea For tourists in Virginia: "Congratulations on losing your Virginia-ty"
This girl came up to me and asked if I remembered her from the vegetarian club... but I don't think I'd seen herbivore.
After my fourth failed relationship, my friend tells me 'keep your head up, these girls come and go, but you'll find someone for you', but deep down i know... Girls don't just come and go... I do.
Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy? In case you wake the sleeping pills!
We get it - "Bacardi" rhymes with "party," "bottle" rhymes with "model," and "sex" rhymes with "text." You rappers can stop rapping now.
Did you hear about the laptop RAM that was raped and had no memory of it? They say it was SO-DIMMy.
What's the most important part of a terrorist joke? The execution. (   )
What has happened to common sense these days? Its become nothing but pocket change.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb &amp; one to hold my dick, I mean my mum, I mean the ladder
I feel like the average weatherman is just meteor-ocre.
Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.
Jokes There are 30 cows in a field 28 chickens. How many didn't?
We saw the german chancellor fall down the stairs ! AUA !
Catching Criminals by Hans Upp
I bought Fenugreek from a Drug Dealer It was a little *Methi*.
Everyone keeps saying they hate the smell of moth balls But I just keep wondering how they spread those tiny legs apart.
Imagination: because if I fcuked you as much as I thought about it, we'd both be unemployed.
Why is Jesus terrible at hockey? He keeps getting pinned to the boards.
Just a quick plug for the /r/antiantijokes subreddit It's absurd
Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.
Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
If there's ever a flood disaster in the Middle East & they want to make a charity song I got a great title: Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed
What do you call an immature carrot? A baby carrot.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we'll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet Bear: Wow, real original AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Cheez-Its are hands down the BEST cheese flavored pronouns.
Whats it called when you give a dolphin food for it to do a trick? Squid Pro Quo
Where do you get a dog license? At the DMV (Department of Mutt Verification)
I met a girl who said she'd met me at Vegetarian club... But I swear I've never seen herbivore!
Charlie Sheen's herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
What do you call a mod in r/News ? [Removed]
A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum... The doctors described his condition as stable.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, "oh, this is the one u were talking about" &watch the awkward stares!
If you ask your hair dresser for the Zooey Deschanel... You're really just getting more bang for your buck.
How Pokemon go came to be Customers: "Niantic, can we have 151 Pokemon?" Niantic: "147 Pokemon? You want to have 145 Pokemon?! What are you going to do with 142 Pokemon?!"
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.
Why are black people tall? Their knee grows.
If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne.
Secret To Comedy Guy 1: Hey! Ask me "What is is the secret to comedy?" Guy 2: Okay ... What is the sec- Guy 1: TIMING!!! sorry if it sucks
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn't improved since fourth grade.
[at pet store] "This tortoise's shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?" "No, it happens. It's just a reptile dysfunction."
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
I live next door to a family of Anorexic Agoraphobics I bet they have some skeletons in the closet.
What do you get if you cross a computer with a  hamburger? A big mac.
Is that shirt (those pants) mad of camel skin? (No, why?) Cause I noticed the humps!
A kid asks his father a question. "Dad where is the clitoris?" The Father responds with, "You should have asked me that last night, because I had the answer on the tip of my tongue."
How do you get banned from a subreddit without breaking the rules? Post something humorous in /r/lounge. P.S: Is there anyway to ungild myself?
You know what the best part about having sex with twenty three year olds is? There are twenty of them.
"Hey does it smell like I took a shit?" ah, sulfur so good.
How do you make Aquaman cool? Put him in water!
What do you call a can made in Mexico? A Mexican.
This generation will go down as, perhaps, the greatest in history at taking pictures of themselves.
How many ears does Spock have? The left ear, the right ear and the Final Front-ear.
What's the worlds strongest animal? A 'buff'alo
*caterpillar looks up at sky* "My dream is to fly a plane one day." Other Caterpillar: You don't pay any attention in science class, do you?
Friend: Dude that song is so old.... Me: Well so is your mum but you still listen to her.
What do you call a good fortune teller? Optimystic
Top Four Signs of Job Security: 4. Promotions and raises 3. Specialized skills 2. Top producer 1. Compromising photos of the boss
What does an EA-18 and Bob Marley have in common? They both are jamming people.
How many leftists does it take to change a lightbulb? 8,000 to protest against the broken lightbulb but 0 to realize it won't change anything.
If I had a talking shark for a sidekick, I'd probably get into more deep sea shenanigans.
I keep misreading ISS as ISIS... ...so I was very confused when we were sending ISIS The Martian
Why was the blonde girl sitting on the roof? Someone told her drinks were on the house.
Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments. When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."
Morpheus: "You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and--" Me: "Blue pill."
Why are air hostesses bad at dating? Most men aren't interested in **plane** women.
[My relationship with TV] There's nothing on. *watches nothing for the next six hours.
Been backed up for days, but finally took a huge shit... it was quite a load off my mind.
What is the first thing Trump will do when is the President Build a wall around the White House and make all the visitors pay for it!
I had all these small cheese squares but nothing to put them on. I was really cracka lackin'.
GOD: They scared enough? ANGEL: Not yet GOD: You got Trump running? ANGEL: Yup GOD: Hurricane? ANGEL: Yup GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
People tell me I'm confusing... I tell them I stopped making sense when I lost my job at the mint.
If Hillary and Trump were on a boat and it sank, who would survive? America
How do you find Will Smith in the winter? You search for Fresh Prints.
Policing the internet. Complaining to the police about something you've read on the internet is like suing a premium rate sex line for sexual harassment.
What does "Maginot Line" get translated to in English? Speed bump ahead
So I asked /r/AskScience a question... My post is not yet visible on the forum and is awaiting review from the moderator team.
Table for six please? "Is your party coming soon or?" [Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I'm going to need booster seats
Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it
What is the loneliest number? My phone number, call me please! #Please don't
Why are blood oranges the only "blood" fruit? Why not blood bananas? Who wouldn't like to slurp down a nice ripe blood banana?
I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but... I didn't want to fiddle with the camera
Knock Knock "Who's there?" "9/11" "9/11 who?" "you said you'd never forget" =(
Teddy Roosevelt pickup line Ayy girl, Do you want to see my Big Stick Diplomacy in my room? (   )
You know you're old when you get a "You up?" text.... And it's 8:25 p.m.
When Sting retires will he change his name to Stung?
A man goes to a partially deaf doctors Man: Doctor Doctor I can't remember who sang the Pinball Wizard. Doctor: The....... who?
Why are bodybuilders great pallbearers? They're fantastic dead lifters
What does the ghost of Al Pacino say? Boo-ah!
I lost my virginity to a girl on her period. The foreplay gave me cotton mouth.
Wanna hear a joke? My social life.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry gets to take the train back.
Do you know what happened in the bathroom? Me either, but I heard a lot of shit going down.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Of course he's a "jolly" rancher. He's herding candy. I'd be fucking delightful if that were my job.
"Wanna hear a joke?" I asked my wife... "I reddit" she replied.
Do you know the worst thing about sex? The part where you have to bury them afterwards.
Sorry your password must contain the entire alphabets, your left foot, a theme song to a television show and the blood of your enemies
Donald Trump went to graduate school and now he has a PuD Pretty 'uge d...isertation
I just invented a new word Plagiarism
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My Therapist said I have a drinking problem. So I got a new Therapist.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn't have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.
My girlfriend woke up with a smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tips
The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "Worst Trophy Shop" trophy and then never pick it up.
I really don't get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she's at least 18.
Why did the dick go to 7-11? Q: Why did the dick go to 7-11? A: To get a Slurpee.
A sunrise is probably the most beautiful way to find out you just made a series of bad decisions.
Whats the difference between a regular horse and a police horse? The police horse has an extra asshole on its back. :&gt;
[briefing] CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak... CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up) CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation. CP: (slowly sits back down)
what did they start calling the timelord after he started frequenting one too many prostitutes? doctor whore
So I realized I have all these great stories, but far too few end with "And then I fucked her...." So anyways I was babysitting my little sister last night....
She buys me a lot of shitty music these days. "Reminds me of your old stuff," she says. So maybe I get her a gift subscription to Playboy.
Emotions are like farts... You can only hold them in for so long.
TIFU: I ate my boss' sandwich out of the work fridge! Oops. Wrong sub.
Just watched two of my kids try and fail to open a cereal box so I've concluded that playing Mozart during pregnancy is bullshit.
Just had a fart that sounded like an un-oiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.
1) My wife and I are fighting 2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me 3) My phone is in the room where she's sleeping
It's 2012 and we still don't serve all food in a bread bowl.
I DIDN'T SAFELY EJECT MY FLASH DRIVE AND NOW MY DOG IS DEAD
What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common? They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
What does the calm zombie say to the agitated zombie? Decompose yourself.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom.
Studys show that 76.5% of statistics are made up.
I just saw a guy with a mustache exactly like my grandpa's. I doubt it was his though; grandpa never let anyone borrow his mustache.
my car's fuel economy is not doing so good... as a matter of fact, it's tanking
Man is incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.
"It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?"- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey's chocolate.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight. No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom!
What do anal sex and spinach have in common If they were forced upon you as a child you wont like them as an adult
The man at the grocery store name is Bobby Chubsucker. He was either very popular or made fun of a lot in school.
what do you call a 3 humped camel? Pregnant
Why is hay so unreliable? It keeps baleing
Why did the cowboy get a hot seat? Because he rode the range.
This sign says it's a non-smoking facility, but it's written in Comic Sans, so I'm thinking of starting.
How does a feminist change a lightbulb? By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them.
You might as well shoot for the stars because... Best case scenario you succeed and are immediately vaporized into nothing. Worst case scenario you miss and fade into the endless void of nothing.
Don't you hate it when you punch up the fuckline?
I read a book called 'The Anti-Climax' The first part of it was great, but....
which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills
I wish people would stop only talking about Jesus and just start acting like him.
Q: What's the highest form of praise you can receive from a pimp? A: A back-handed compliment.
Just made a deal with the devil. I got a PS2, half a box of white wine and an autographed photo of George Bush in exchange for my Kia Soul.
So a hunter walks in to a bar and says, "Bear with me".
What did the Monkey say when his bath was too hot? Ooh-Ooh-Aah- Aah
A man at a pub told me that he has no anus I told him he's full of shit
My nonprofit for constipation awareness went bankrupt (at least half of you can guess the punchline)... because no one gave a shit!!! yeah yeah, I know where the door is...
[OC] I just thought of this joke when my dad and I were talking about stereotypical jokes What did the dog say to his wife? You're a bitch.
On a Scale of 1 to 10, How Obsessed am I with Harry Potter? 9 3/4 *Credit goes to a tee shirt I saw. I'm not that witty.*
Want to learn how to keep an idiot occupied for hours? [Click here to find out!](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44z1io/want_to_learn_how_to_keep_an_idiot_occupied_for/)
I've been in chemistry lectures all day... I'm absolutely Bohred to death!
You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.
What's the opposite of a somersault? A winter pepper.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it's all screaming and shit.
What is the difference between a millennial and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, as long as there's a bed inside.
whats worse than a dead cat on the piano? a diseased beaver on your organ...
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? U. Because U keep reposting this joke.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia Me: No I don't
Why can't the Muslim crossdresser feed his family? He lost hijab.
What do you call a a a a aoohhh? Yo mama last night bro.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Buffer ! Buffer who ? Buffer you can say Jack Robinson !
What do you find with 4 Catholics? A fifth.
What is the most exciting sport in the world? Camping. Its in tents.
Q: What do pelicans eat? A: Anything that fits the bill.
I bought some Greek yogurt today It started asking all of the other food in my fridge for money
What do you call the Easter Bunny with fleas? Bugs Bunny
Which program do Jedis use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi.
Why do Feminists Like to have Sex with the Lights Off? They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, its to post the wrong answer.
I'm only putting a picture of me in my locket. This proves I'm independent.
Did you know that truth serum us derived from an animal? It comes from the Tattlesnake!
What is the difference between Detroit and Cleveland? 5 years.
Why Did The NSA Worker Have To Stay In Russia? He Was Snowed In(Snowden) ;)
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph because he's not a full ese.
How do you get Squirtle, Charmander and Pikachu onto a bus? You pokemon.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick in someone's asshole
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says "WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP"
What are calories? Little elves that tighten your waistband on your pants a little every night
The Largest Organ **Q:** What's the largest organ in the human body? **A:** That depends. If you've just swallowed a Steinway and a Wurlitzer, it's probably the Steinway.
As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night She always wanted a girl.
Why does a farmer fuck his sheep at the edge of a cliff? So the sheep will push back.
Hello?.... Steph? Man: Can I get Steph Curry's number? Operator: 1-800-war-rior Man: I tried that, but it didn't ring
New slogan for cats: "Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don't want to die? Cats."
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
How did the OBGYN win the election? He was able to stirrup some controversy about his opponent with his effective smear campaign.
Waiter, "Welcome to red lobster, I'm your seafood expert." me- "did you know octopuses have a beak?" W-"no" Me- "who's the expert now?"
What does a redditer say when he reads a joke on r/jokes? We saw that same joke two days ago
Sext I just received from my wife- "Wake up! You're snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed."
Radio from an American boat: Mayday, mayday. We are sinking! Radio back from a German rescue ship: What are you sinking about?
A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment. Bros before hoes.
I just can't stop making dad jokes! I don't know how much father I can go....
Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job? Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.
Reddit is like a shiny, new penny... It's fun to look but completely worthless! - Edit: Wow, front page! :D Edit 2: Oh crap, nvm. I was still on the new submissions page lol. forever alone
SEX DICK: What's ur favorite planet? VAG: URANUS!!!!
Why did the little boy flush a pencil down the toilet? Because it was a Number 2.
Why is Jesus so bad at hockey? Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards.
On Reddit, they say that you should never stick your dick in crazy. But this is not true. The problems only start when you take your dick *out* of crazy.
I'm a man trapped outside a woman's body.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they're okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
John Snow really knows the way to a guy's heart.
Why is Jesus so bad at hockey? Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
*walks up to a group of sad people at a funeral* Do y'all know the wifi password
"You think only God can judge you?" *Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you* "Well THINK AGAIN!" *bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Why is it better to be ashy? cause it just means you spit more fire
Dear Tequila, we had a deal last night. You were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk
Obesity doesn't run in your family...No one runs in your family...
I like my women how I like my whiskey. 12 years old and all mixed up in coke. (sorry if its a repost, haven't seen it yet.)
What did Data find in Picard's gym sock? The Next Generation
I don't need a tat to look hard. Just a pic of your mom...
In high school, everyone called me the bus driver. Because I was the bus driver.
How do you turn a cock into a clock? Put two hands and a face on it.
This joke tops everything. This joke everything.
Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.
Jesus: "Is it time for the second coming yet dad?" God: "I'll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he's me." Both: "LOLOLOLOL"
Two Goldfish are in a Tank One turns to the other and says.. "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.
In my opinion guys should only us two fragrances of Old Spice deodorant... Fuji or Timber... but that's just my two scents.
A Reddit mod deleting their account during controversy and creating a new one is like... the Reddit CEO
My wife said I was bad in bed so I banged her on the coffee table. Location. Location. Location.
"There is a man!" Sarah doesn't dare to walk into the restroom. Jane sees that and asks "Why are you standing in front of the Gentlement Restroom?". Sarah kept silent.
Did you know that every frog used to have at least some polish genes? In fact, they were a tad-pole.
Date: So, what are you passionate about? Me: Haha, have you heard of gravy?
If we repeal the 14th amendment, does that means there's room for another 2nd amendment? Same as the old one, but this time in all caps.
I just ate two French eggs... I think one is un oeuf
New day, same old bullshit.
Did you know LSD can make you lose weight? Because you can't get to the fridge if there's a dragon guarding it.
If accounts on every social media site have taught me anything it's that I'm so glad my family doesn't know my username.
What is Bill Clinton's favorite instrument? The Whore-Monica
Where do grasshoppers eat? At IHOP. A three-year-old made this up.
The Tsunami in Japan Everybody knows that the reason for the tsunami in Japan was because Magikarp was using splash all the time.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.
A guy noticed his friend was late for work... "Where have you been?" he asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face?" "She kept resisting, that old fart."
It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.
Why did the violinist go to jail? For fingering A Minor.
I dig, You dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a good poem, but it's deep.
What do you do in 5 minutes that you then suffer for for 9 months? A school application.
Events like the death of the Indian gang-rape victim just help remind me why I hate humans so much.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
A drunk man's reasoning; "What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"
Heard that the Lord Of The Rings author had a bit of a stammer. I tried to get his attention this one time and he said, "Jay, are are you Tolkein to me?"
What's 13 inches long, stiff, and makes a woman scream all night long? Crib-death
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce the word unionized.
We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve. We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
If a person with ADHD went to a camp... ... would it be called a concentration camp? Source: Girlfriend with ADHD
How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb?? Just 1...blondes will screw anything.
Wolverine: You know what I can't heal? Jean: What Logan? Wolverine: A broken heart *professor x starts laughing from the other room*
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
Hey Verizon, here's an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Clean sheet day!! *brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they get weirded out when I start brushing their hair.
What Hillary's word for a bribe? Pay her and she'll speak to you about it.
8: hey dad can you make me a sandwich? me: poof! you're a sandwich 8: .... me: no
Would you like to hear a Helen Keller joke? So would she.
Why did the Hispanic become a mathematician? It takes Juan to know one.
Went to see my doctor and he told i was going to have to stop masturbating I asked why and he said "Because im trying to examine you!"
Haven't been able to tweet much recently. Need to cut back on real life.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don't know.
I'm not sure which super villain I want to be for Halloween yet Right now it's between The Joker and the white privileged male.
I wish I were Mary from the Bible She gives birth to a child and her parents still believe she's a virgin
Welcome to the homonym restaurant, where all the food sounds good, but it isn't.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand eyeeeeeeeeee
There was a kidnapping at my school He woke up.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
You are all beautiful to me ...with the proper lighting. :D Have a great day!
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can't stand it when you narrate the whole thing ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why didn't the shrimp share his treasure? He was a little shellfish.
How can you tell a black person is lying? His lips are moving.
tifu by getting inside someone else's underwater vessel Whoops, wrong sub
"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?" "No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
psychic: "I see... I see kids in your future" me: "but I've had a vasectomy" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] "This's bullshit"
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
So there's this redditor that says part of the joke in the title, then repeats it for no goddamn reason.
"Nope, it needs more vowels" - Hawaiians
What do you call it when two Vietnamese people are together? A Nguyen Nguyen situation.
Wanna hear a good abortion joke? Uhhh... Nevermind..
How many NorCal kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hella
I thought I just had a bad headache but according to WebMD I'm a conjoined twin slowly dying from jaundice.
What did Sherwock say to Watsun while vacationing in Tokyo? Well done, old Jap.
Facebook is the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K" Firetruck is a very popular word!
Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.
So I decided to make some fan-fiction. My fan-fiction is about reality. I'm calling it The Bible.
You've got a buttload of good things coming your way... ...and I'm behind you one hundred percent.
This woman asked me if I had ever been in a stable relationship. I told her that I wasn't into livestock.
If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.
What is the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
I like my women like I like my condoms. Wrapped around my dick and full of my semen.
DAD: You're adapted. SCREENPLAY: What?!
How many scientists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's what interns are for.
What do you call a Mexican fist-fighting with a pedophile? Alien vs. Predator
Don't let him know you're a hologram. Don't let him know you're a hologram. Interviewer: You've got the job! *extends hand* Me: Dammit
If my phone is so "smart" how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex
my tortoiseshell sunglasses make me see the whole world through the kelvin instagram filter
Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?
What did the programmer call his ship? Sea++
If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".
The longest joke in the world No link posts, so you can read the whole thing here: http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html
If you've watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times. You've pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.
What are cats favorite Internet Service provider? Comcat.
Did you fall out of heaven? Because you look like it hurts.
Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy. Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though. Mb: I don't care just get it done.
A woman in a store was complaining vehemently about her bathroom fan. I guess she really needed to vent.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Why is Jesus black? Because he's our father, and still hasn't come back yet....
There should be a branch of the government that just helps people who get stood up.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today's spelling test, like he's teaching me some kind of lessen.
Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words? A cussomer.
Why did all most of the black soldiers die in Vietnam? When the commander yelled "GET DOWN", they all started dancing.
I lost all my pokemon cards in a housefire.. All I have now is Ash.
Spent all day at Legoland with my son during Star Wars weekend. Gushed like a fangirl when I met Darth Vader. He's my Justin Bieber
What does the letter K have in common with my cousins They are ok by themselves, but they get pretty racist when there are three of them together
Some guy changed all his pass words to 'incorrect' so his computer can tell him the right pass word if he gets it wrong
Cashier: "Sir, the toilet paper you're buying goes on sale tomorrow." "COOL, I'LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN."
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Getting her back in the wheelchair
Wanna hear a joke? Psych
Knock Knock... -Who's there? Anxiety -Anxiety Who? Are you sure someone knocked?
Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.
Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car? (on all conditions) Because their drivers keep crashing.
Create your own Bermuda Triangle! Just surround yourself with a wife & two kids, then watch all your hopes & dreams mysteriously disappear!
What's the most important part of a joke timing. .....
A man goes to a doctor one day and says... "Doctor! Please, I need a solution. I have 5 dicks!" "Well, that is astounding! Tell me, how do your pants feel?" "Like a glove!"
If you need a fake British pub name for an elaborate lie the formula is Animal+Gardening tool= we had a proper laugh at the Frog&Shovel mate
"Weight Watchers" because "Obesity Observers" was too cerebral.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Staple a piece of bread on the ceiling
A Atheist, a Vegan and a Marine An atheist, a vegan and a Marine walk into a bar. How do you know that one of them is a Marine? Don't worry he'll let you know
I adopted a cat but it turned out that my daughter is allergic to cats So, I am giving her away for adoption. She's 7 and she's in second grade
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes... That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
What's the difference between a yoghurt and the USA? If left for 400 years, the yoghurt will develop a culture.
Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he's China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.
You know what we call comedy gold in the chemistry world? Ha2Au (I'm sorry, also the 2 should be sub-scripted but reddit wouldn't let me do that)
She left me a note, on the fridge... "It's not working anymore, I'm leaving you". I opened up the fridge and it is working. She left me for nothing, that idiot.
Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil? No? Oh well. There's no point to it, anyway.
What do you call a fake psychic who was found out and now shoots up in ditches? A high medium low
why do blacks like the doctor's office? they operate on black time! 2:00 appointment? pfft show up at 3:30 you'll be straight
Well it looks like it's just you and me.. [tumbleweed starts rolling away] WAIT TUMBLY, NO
My friend Gav died last night from taking too many heartburn tablets... I can't believe Gavisgon
Floyd was supposed to hug his wife and fight his opponent he got them mixed up.
They weren't pleased that I played I heavy metal song in the church but I resolved it on Gsus
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
when life gives you lemons, be thankful it didn't give you cancer
So I just had sex for one dollar Talk about a real bang for your buck
I like my women like I like my Twinkies.. Cream-filled
Two clowns capture a clown and drag him back to their village. As they're eating the clown one cannibal asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Everyone keeps talking about tragedies but then does nothing about it. Just like this post.
A horse walks into a bar... ...the trainer says, "next time, jump".
Political correctness... Is for faggots.
Chuck Norris once urinated in the gas tank of a semi-truck as a joke... That semi-truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this "Zika" virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?
Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature
What do you call 100 Mexicans holding hands around your yard Spicket fence
What's the closest synonym to a love boat? A relation-ship.
I don't use Miracle Whip, I use Coincidental Circumstances Easily Explained by Reason Whip.
What's the best part about taking advice from r/relationships ? You'll never have to worry about being in a long-term relationship.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend? He was a boar.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas. Neighbor: Nice. I got- Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation* We're fully booked "Ahem, I'm Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69" Sorry sir right this way
How do you play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, take two shots
What do I get when I raise up a platform to play Mozart? Amadeus on my dais.
I wrote a poem that says: I dig, you dig, they dig, we dig It isn't pretty, but it is very deep.
What's the longest word in the world? Smiles. Because there's a mile between each 'S'.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says "she wouldn't want us to be sad" at my funeral. If you're not sad that I'm gone forever you deserve it
The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.
How can tell your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
Female hygiene jokes are not funny Period
I think it's safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
How do you feel when there is no coffee? Depresso
Rejected Doctor Seuss book titles...GO!
It's nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates. It'd be even nicer if they'd stop bringing them back home.
I had phone sex for the first time the other day... My dick got stuck in the 8! I tried to dial 911 but that just made it worse! It was a rotary!
An irashman walks out of a bar...
Is it possible for God to be a Cheeto Puffed? Because these taste pretty fucking great. EDIT: I'm getting downvoted but figure this is the reddit algorithm! cheeky cunts
Why did Trump go to space? Because hot air rises
I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon? They only come in quarts(z)
If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?
I want to die like my grandfather, softly in my sleep... ...not screaming in terror like his passengers.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight [11:00pm] yay i did it! [11:01pm] *preheats oven*
How can Russia love pickles and vodka but hate gay people? They have such similar interests
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
How do you make a lemon orgasm? You rub its cituris.
Why Won't Anyone Tell me the Name of Ukraine's 5th Largest City? They keep telling me to stop asking...
If a friend tells you a half-assed joke that's not worthy of an LMAO, give them a LOCO - laughing one cheek off
Titties on a hook [NSFW] click bait
What do you call a group of pillaging Huns? An army of Hun-dread.
Why do blacks smell? So blind people can hate them too.
Who placed 3rd for basketball in the 2016 Olympics? LeBronze James
Blood is Thicker than water, but maple syrup is Thicker than blood. Therefore, pancakes are more important than family.
What's brown, and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up
I switched my kids to almond milk. Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."
Who clicks on ads? I do To report them.
What do you call a goat that likes cheese with their pasta? Maaaac
It was so cold out today.. I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.
A boy is walking in the forest with a pedophile "This forest is really scary," says the boy. "Tell me about it," replies the pedophile. "And I have to walk outta here alone!"
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked "So what's the exhibit?" & the guy was like "You're breathing it, man."
I love people I can get weird with.
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
*rides in on giant turtle* Me:Sorry I'm late. Boss:You rode that to work? Me:No, went to the zoo. *phone rings* Me:That'll be the zoo.
What would Jesus do? Get nailed to a cross and bleed out.
Wanna read a really dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud
Whats the difference between seeing a rapist in the daytime and seeing a rapist at night? At night you can only see the eyes and the grill.
There CAN be a Beatles reunion!! All we need are 2 bullets.
So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles "Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."
Sorry I'm late... I was at the hospital *cough* my boyfriend has tuberculosis.
Two people were kissing. After the kiss the guy says " thanks for the bubblegum" And the girl says " oops!!! I have cough"
Today I met this electrician... Sadly I can't remember Watt his name was.
You never hear about a new ghost. "Oh yeah, this place is haunted since Jeff died last Tuesday."
Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
Why should you never eat Sonic the Hedgehog? He gives your underwear blue streaks.
What's the hard part about breaking up with a Japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice so they get the message
"As a creative person I'm often asked where I get my ideas." Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don't.
I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Mom, what is a transvestite? -Ask uncle Yvonne.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not yelling and screaming, like the people in his car
Who was the last person to have sex with Marilyn Monroe? Thomas Noguchi
The Band ACDC was Arrested For Firearm Possession... They told the officer they only Shoot to Thrill
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I know where you can buy drugs"
Why can't Pirates spell the alfhabet? RRRRRRRRRRRRRgh
What can you put at the end of a sentence, to make it funnier? The punchline.
"Sorry I'm late, but let me explain." -The inventor of the snooze button at the initial presentation
If it looks like a duck & shrieks like a drunken banshee it's probably a white woman getting her picture taken in the club.
A bear walks into a bar the bartender said "What would you like?" and the bear said "I want... a beer please" then the bartender said "Why the big paws??"
So the invisible man masturbated the other day No one saw him coming.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What do you call 4 Mexicans trying to cross a river? Quatro-cinco
Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me. Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I'm not allowed to eat.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIEt after the holidays.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
What's the best way to get to the mental hospital? Take the psychopath!!
Why do warriors make bad business men ? They charge too much !
Q: What to you call Batman and Robin after they've been run over by a car? A: Flatman and Ribbon
Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow Mines made of mammary foam
They should put ads on slow people.
If 'Blasian' is the mix of Asian and black, what do you get when you mix white and Indian? Genocide.
[zoo] ME: Haha...this one's face! WIFE: Tha- M [bangs on glass] W: Stop it M [pulls funny face] W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
What is green and goes slam, slam, slam, slam? A four door pickle!
Me:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick. Boss:- How sick are you? Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister
Why did the blonde woman have bruises around her belly button? Because blonde guys arent that smart either...
Don't trust anyone who wants to "get you out of your comfort zone." Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Girls don't poop. They go to the bathroom to talk shit.
My wife's cooking is so bad.... My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
How do you know Bono is selfish? He does a lot of Pro-Bono work.
I find the biggest difference in Canada vs the US is they don't put your lids on for you at Starbucks and exponentially less gun violence.
My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
Thanks for saying 'on your mobile' in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
How many french men does it take to conquer Paris? No one knows, it's never been done.
I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I probably wouldn't know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there's a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.
Chocolate P Women only like three things. 1. Chocolate 2. Penis 3.Chocolate Penis
I'd kill for a good work ethic.... ...But I just can't be arsed.
Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week. I won every single event. Every. Single. Event.
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *SLURP*
What did one lesbian cannibal say to the other lesbian cannibal? Eat me out
Masturbation is great. - I know that from first hand experience.
what did the farmer say win he lost his tractor "wheres my tractor"
Who robbed Lochte at the Olympics? Phelps.
Why do people think Saint Stephen was a marijuana addict? He was stoned to death.
What do you call a fallen tree in a forest? Natural log. Sorry about the math joke.
What do you call a seagull that flies by the bay? a bagel
What is reddits least favorite dish? Kung Pao Chicken
What do you call it when a Mexican digs their feet under the sand? Bury-toes. Hah hah
Why is Wrestling similar to porn? because it's fun to watch when you're younger... but you get depressed when you're told it's fake.
Why did the cow slap the bull? He didn't play well with udders.
A friend of mine just retired from the Department of Statistics, he has truly taken leave of his census.
A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.
In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period.
"Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up" "Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
Girl are you the legendary Pokemon Mewtwo? Because I've been playing with my balls all day and you're nowhere to be found.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to "Benefits", so that when you add me it will say, "You are now friends with benefits"
I'll take a Clooney, and 2 Upton's please. Turned to my wife and said, "Amazon is buying Twitch for 1 billion. She said "the dancer?" . . yea hun, the dancer.
Democratic debate is in Flint, Michigan "Would you like some water Secretary??"" "No, not at all!"
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room* Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don't work here M: *slips him a five* VI: Right away sir
Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
Told my Vegan Friend to stop with the Puns. He said oh kale no
Why were ancient Egyptian children  confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic".
I can still party like I'm 22. Too bad I recover like I'm 82.
On his deathbed, a man is asked if he wants anything said at his funeral. "Oh look, he's moving."
Give a man a match and he's warm for a day.... Set fire to a man and he's warm for the rest of his life.
So I walked into a bank with a bag of weed to deposit... The teller asked, "what are you doing?" I said, "I wish to open a joint account!"
The funniest joke of all time tbh My life... God seems to be laughing...
A woman walks into a green grocers. She asks the man behind the counter for a cucumber. He asks her: "Whole or sliced?" She replies: "I've got a fanny, not a fucking slot machine!"
Did youz guys hear about the blow job competition last night? It was nuts, the race was neck and neck till the very end!
space is stuped if im wanted to go somewhere where i cant breathe i would just stand next to a girl
Bad Luck I think my luck is getting worse. I was mugged by a Quaker.
Q: Did you hear about the book about cowardice? A: It had no spine.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex Me: Yeah Gf: I'm having twins Me suspiciously: We only did it once why's there two babies
Fajita poop, fajita poop! How dreadful are thy splashes!
What do you call a non-violent venereal disease? Ghandi-rhea
The best jokes are often unintentional; take this one for example What is the square root of 69? Ate something....
What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving? For me it's three weeks.
Good thing "you only live once" has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it's no big deal
The Energizer Bunny died last night... ...of sexual exhaustion. Someone put in his batteries the wrong way and he just kept coming and coming and coming...
A Variation on an Old Pun Why did the kids with the fancy bus try so hard? Fo' Frizzle
I'll never forget what my grandad said before he kicked the bucket "Watch me kick that bucket"
I know Muslims can't eat pork. Islam ok though?
What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college? BYE-SON!
What do you get when you cross a dairy farmer with someone who moulds and fires clay? A dairy potter.
I snore at night, so I bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for my wife to shove in her ears.
my floor was 5 years old, so i contacted someone to replace the old wood... I'm still waiting for a reply
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve
Today my brother got pinkeye... My day went pretty well, but in his eyes it was pretty shitty.
What's the similarity between a blonde and a tornado? In the beginning there's a lot of sucking and blowing but then she takes half your house
Doggy Diet book Did you hear about the new doggy diet book? It is titled "Shitzu shouldn't eat"
Two prime numbers stayed married for life. They couldn't be divided
What do you call a dinosaur having brunch? Tea-Rex
I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday. I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography." "Don't you mean history?" she replied. I said, "Don't try to change the subject."
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk!
Gf vs Wife Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
Me: how much is all the money in the world? Genie: not sure exactly Me: give me a ballpark figure POOOF *I'm now the size of Shea Stadium
Criminal on the electric chair. The officer asks: Any last wishes? The criminal: Please hold my hand
So my ex-wife is a bird lover... she always wanted a black cockatoo
My old roommate's bathroom was so dirty- -I had to clean the soap before using it. (Seriously.)
what do you call a gang made up of cookies? oatmeal raisin hell
I asked this girl to talk dirty to me in PM.. Now we are discussing politics and religion.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One. One to bitch about it so a white knight will do it for her.
Do you know where my mexican hat is? - It's somewhere bro.. Fine...a sombrero, but what I'm asking is have you seen it?
There once was... There once was a woman with dementia and she
silly joke If you think, what you better than other people, your ass must be ready for big problems
What phrase do prostitutes and mafia members both say? You lookin to get whacked?
"Haha nice" = i would rather be dead than continue this conversation
How many years before we forget if 9/11 was in '00 or '01? 15 or 16
What's white on top and black on the bottom? A: Society.
How do you call a blond who changed her hair color to brown? Artificial Intelligence!
What did the physicist have for lunch? Fission chips.
If you get mixed up when you read with your fingers, you're just Braillely dyslexic.
I'm working on a fitness routine for insects. It's going well, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs.
The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war..... ...General Lee speaking
What do you call a rich muslim god? Ballah
Life teachings Q: What do you call it when your child teaches you something they are interested in? A: Learning from your mistakes.
"you should be more serious, sir. this is arson." "no this is MY son!" *tousles his hair* "ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn"
Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored? A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.
Today's special menu The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?" "Yes please," I smiled. "Today is special," he replied, then walked off.
Where is the best place to find discounted ray bans? &gt; marked as spam
How does software eat it's food? By taking large bytes!
Dick::Ebola Your dick is like ebola, you dont have it and no one wants it
Jokes written by kids http://imgur.com/gallery/hyQna
Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants. Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.
Did you hear about the man that flashed three nuns? Two had a stroke and one couldn't reach.
A mom is having dinner with her daughter And her daughter exclaims "Mom, I don't really like the red soup", her mom replies "Be quiet child-we only get it once a month"
[Bank] COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO ROBBER: Okay, who wants out? ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I'm comfortable.
[At bar] BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
What letter do pirates guess most often on Wheel of Fortune? T. Modern pirates are most likely based in Somalia, and T is the most common consonant in the Somali Latin alphabet.
My boss asked if he dropped his watch in the toilet Because I was shitting on his time And joke creds to him. I was also fresh out of witty comebacks...
I saw the funniest joke on television the other day. It was Hillary Clinton's campaign. I couldn't stop laughing.
A black mom has six kids all named Leroy. She tells them apart by their different last names.
When it comes to my diet, I don't do cheat days I do cheat years.
Joke title Punchline
I never did understand why the ball was getting bigger but then it hit me
(JOKE) What does a light bulb filled with gas?
Skydiving without a parachute... Is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I heard this on a spotify ad and it cracked me up. I thought I'd share it.:) Edit: fixed an auto correct mistake
What is the speed limit of Sex? 68, because at 69, you eat it.
If I got 1 for everytime a girl called me unattractive I'd be attractive
Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, my Facebook feed changed everybody from political analysts to weather people.
Yo mama is so fat NASA wants to add her to the solar system
Whats Super Mario's Favorite Website? Yahoo!
A man with no nose applies to be a professional flatulence detector.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
This Doctor... Knock Knock. Who's there? Interrupting Doctor. Interup- You have cancer.
I don't WANT new people to get murdered but I want Investigation Discovery to always have new material.
God: write this down Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot God: thou shalt have no- Moses: slow down, pal. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'
I could never learn the alphabet as a kid. problems with the x...
After a long and tough discussion, my wife and I decided to go with adoption. Let the little shits be someone else's problem.
STOP ANIMAL TESTING...they don't know the answers.
If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it. It's a trap.
Who should have played Bilbo? Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings? Bruce Willis. Because old hobbits die hard.
Oh you're a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes. Can't believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.
Why do redditors hate the robot NASA sent to Mars? Because Curiosity killed the cat!
I saw such an heart touching story of a... burglar and a victim.
What is the easiest way to get chewing gum out of your hair? Cancer.
[my first day as a financial investor] "I'm going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?"
You know what would be better than Trump 2016? Kony 2016.
The only website a computer with Internet Explorer will ever see http://www.google.com/chrome gg
If a rabbit does not get any food for a week... ...he can swallow a whole python. If a rabbit does not get any food or sex for a week, the python will wish he were swallowed first.
What do you name a girlfriend you haven't had for a long time? Palmela Handerson
I love spending time with girls.. its unfortunate i have to do it from a bush with binoculars
What do cannibal parents tell their kids when they become picky eaters? Eat the vegetables
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn't pay their electric bill either.
What is Santa's motto? Wrap your package before you shove it down the chimney.
Parents: don't give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don't know what you're talking about.
What did Ted Cruz's wife get after being elbowed by him? A Ted Bruz
Why are jack-o-lanterns inbred? because they pump-kin
Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn't predator an alien too? They should've just called it "Some Aliens"
My son just told me he's changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
What did the pink panther say as he skipped down the sidewalk? Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead annnnnt, deaaad ant.
I hate being the only drunk person at the party It totally ruined my sons 6th birthday!
Did anyone else go into Monsters, Inc. thinking it was going to be a movie about a really big sink?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Cause the pee is silent.
What is true and false at the same time? This
Wanna hear a joke? The creativity of this sub-reddit.
Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. No two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
Dad: "Don't you come back late midnight again... ...Otherwise you'll be coming back next year."
Hillary Clinton logs onto her email server [deleted]
Your iTunes is working just fine. Would you like to update it?
Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a  quorum.
Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"
The weather in England is like the Muslims in Iraq. It's either Sunni, or Shiite.
Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.
Two fish are in a tank. One asks the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" ... There's the door. I will show myself out.
Where did Santa meet his wife? Conjunction Junction. They specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses
Him: "Do you want to cuddle?" Me: "Yeah, let me call the dog."
Why such hate on Lance Armstrong? I think his riding style is pretty dope.
Me: C'mon. Dog: No. Me: Let's go. Dog: No. Me: Please? Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!? Me: It's just rain. Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[Ring] "Expert Namer Guy" You the dude that named anteater? "Yep" I got a bug. Not moving. Has wings though. "Mayfly" *muffled* oh he's good
Why doesn't the postal worker's wife have sex with him on his day off? Because mail men don't come on Sundays.
It's a well know fact that Elton John is an excellent pianist. But did you know he sucks on the organ?
And He said unto Mike, "Come forth and have eternal life." But Mike came fifth, and won a blender.
Before you get all smug about "science" ask yourself why no microwave can penetrate the heart of a lasagna.
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes. I told her to lighten up.
I just sold all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay Imagine all the PayPal
Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween? Dog: Sure, put it on Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep? Because deep down, they're good people. Thanks Saul.
[in bed] "No, I'm serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?"
Trivia: If you stood every single Starbucks employee around the equator... I would totally steal a white chocolate and raspberry muffin.
Not Joking, Will I get in trouble if I tell a dirty joke that involves Obama, Bush and Pelosi? (its very dirty)
Riding a moped is like riding a fat chick It may be fun but you wouldn't want your buddies to see you on one
There's one way that jared joker can be better than Heath's. Just put a smile on his face with he's own knife.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
Got asked to help unlock a PDF file today... I said no way, we should be concentrating on locking them up!
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker me: oh im not a thinker
What's black and doesn't work? Decaf, you racist sons of bitches.
In a survey of American women when asked "Would you sleep with President Clinton?" 86% replied "Not again"
guy next to me on my flight is just staring forward. no movie, no book, nothing. so its been nice knowing you I'm about to be murdered
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I'm thinking about getting her a treadmill.
The Baby Boomers decided to leave us with one last present. This Presidential election.
What is a bear after it is 10 years old? 11 years old.
Why did the plumber kill himself? He was sewericidal.
Women on their period always ovary act. *insert pun here*
When do women get to climb the corporate ladder? When it's time to clean the glass ceiling.
Why don't you take Pokemon to the bathroom with you? ... because they might Pikachu!
It's 6 am and I've already referred to a patient as "the one with the tig ol biddies"...wonder what time HR gets here
GF: What a perfect night ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you... GF: OMG yes! ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Really, there's no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
A Mexican bear walks into a bar He stretches, yawns, then says "Oso tired"
What did one gay sperm say to the other??? Wanna get shit faced?!
Just had to cut ties with the girl I was dating after I found out we both wanted different things. She wanted a relationship and I wanted a better looking girlfriend.
What is the opposite of an autist? A socialist.
Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween...I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Most women want a man who can make them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja. Good to know
I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in 5 years. Come on man, I don't have 2020 vision!
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?  A: A roamin' Catholic!
Shall I tell you the joke about the kidnappers? I'd better not. You might get carried away.
I will work for Apple But I take bananas too. Or just any food. Please.
Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long? Because as soon as they start they get fired.
Me: I need to know what your office drug policy is. Him: No drugs. Me: Got it... Do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?
What are some pros of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus
WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?! ~me, drunk, at a wax museum
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch... But on the other hand, you have a watch.
we all had to sign a card for a coworker thats retiring and i just wrote "please take me with you" in it
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Willow Smith is 11 years old and has a tongue piercing, half of her hair shaved off, and is claiming to be bisexual? Sounds like somebody needs to move in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn't tear away ..
Listen up all you calendar owners Your days are numbered
Just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
When my toddlers are teenagers I'm going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I'm thirsty
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby
My wife made a good point yesterday.
Where does Noah keep his bees? In the Ark Hives
[Old joke alert] Why are dwarfs so depressed? Because six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? How the hell are we going to find any eggs in all this shit!
Using zero-ply toilet paper, aka the cardboard tube
Accidentally bought a Venti at Starbucks and now I can't afford to go to college :(
Why do so many /r/thedonald users work in movie theaters? Because they're great at projecting.
What kind of car does a Japanese chef drive? Rolls Rice
Why don't cannibals eat ex-wives? Because they're bitter.
Why did email come easy to the lumberjack? He was already very familiar with loggin' :D
Q: How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.
5yo: I want a snack. M: You can have a yogurt smoothie. 5: I NEED CHOICES! M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
There was a fight in the Fish and Chip shop the other day The fish got *battered* and the chip got *a-salted*.
Why does the Mexican guy takes xanax? For hispanic attacks...
What does a blonde say after having sex? "Are you all on the same team?"
What's the difference between an M&amp;M and a tiny mute in your tuna sandwich screaming for help? One melts in your mouth, one mouths in your melt.
Overheard: "Why is this guy listening to our conversation?"
I'm getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, "Who does something like that?!"
What's the difference between a famous book by Dickens and a woman who buys fake boobs? One is a Tale of Two Cities...
How do you recycle a condom Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
How does every racist joke begin? By glancing around the room.
My dad was a magician... He could be walking down the street and turn into a bar.
My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are. Napalm
What is Donald Trump's Favorite Nut? The wallnut.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar It was tense.
Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting? So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"
Did you see the clown that hides from morons?
What do you call a family of Jewish robots? The Cybergs
If quiz is short for quizzical, what is exam short for? Exammical!
If you think about it, malls are really just bazaar.
How do you unlock a door made of dough With a cookey
What function do the bumps on a nipple serve? Its brail for, "Suck This."
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It's official, a nun is getting more action than me.
I've been trying to stop making that's-what-she-said jokes But it's so hard.
My mother said that I looked "cheap" with my bra showing underneath my clothes - so I took my bra off.
Pac-man walks into Pizzeria... and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
Things in common When does atheism become synonymous with running? A: When you draw Mohamad. Edit: Reworded it to make sense.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong *walked on the moon* but Michael Jackson was a *pedophile.*
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
If boys had uteruses... If boys had uteruses they would be called Duderuses. (from Bobs Burgers)
What is the temperature inside a tauntaun? Luke warm!
Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.
I don't know or care about anything, unless I'm currently reading, or have read in the past 3-5 minutes, a think piece on the subject.
Daddy, can I have another cup of water? "Sure, son. But it's your 12th cup tonight..." "I know, the baby's room is still on fire."
I found the quickest way for a woman to make you a millionaire. See, first you need to be a billionaire...
How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!
What was Hitler's favorite food? steamed Franks
I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff] two can play this game "Your honor. Upsexy." Judge: what's upsexy? "that's harassment. move to change venues"
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land
The world would be a better place if we all stuck together. But it would be harder to go to the bathroom.
Damn girl are you today's date? Cause' you're a 10/10
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV! Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Powdered sugar, the cocaine of popos!
A knock-knock joke Knock knock Who's there? Boo Boo who? Please don't cry.
You always hear people saying suicide isn't the answer... But how do they know it's not the answer if they haven't tried it? I haven't heard one person complain after suicide.
A Response To The Stupid "What's The Difference Between Jam And Jelly Joke" Reposted Every Second Day Your mama must have fed you jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that.
Don't start or end a job in July Because you'll be asked "July on your resume?"
Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a dickless generation I was born into.
A baby seal walks into a club.
Ovens You hear? Germany is now coming out with a new line of ovens...4 seaters and 6 seaters
The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
i need some cat jokes!
The awkward moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.
I've been yelling for years. Now I'm convinced. I'm definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
In wartime, it's so often the most vulnerable who get forgotten. Someone needs to kill them too.
What do you call a sleepy relative of a paper towel? A napkin.
What's Bruce Lee's favourite drink? WAAAAAATEEEEERRRR
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Eggs can't cum.
A recent study has linked alcohol to the risk of stroke in women... but i got a dick so lets drink!
I never wash my fruit, in case anybody's wondering how badass I am.
Me: Wanna hear a joke? Dog: sure Me: Knock knock *dog goes crazy barking at the door*
There something bugging me. I've encountered this object many times over in the streets lately. Every way I turn I see Weed.... les
What's a hipster's biggest problem? You probably haven't heard it.
Yelling at a dog... Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog just probably thinks, 'Awesome, now we are both barking!'
What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop? A spokesperson.
What do you call a Russian road with a KFC and lots of prostitutes? The Road of Bones
Have you heard the one about the bed? No? Then it probably hasn't been made yet.
Dad's last words "Why hello, Serious, my name's..."
I bet unscary monsters like to hang out at the back of marathons and imagine all the athletes are running from them.
I saw a really funny joke on /r/Jokes a while back Quite a while back actually.
What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat
Why are so many Italians named Tony? Because when they immigrated from Italy, customs stuck a label on their lapel reading ToN.Y.
TIFU by having the bomb squad called to my party. They said it was the bomb.
A son asks his mom... -Mom, why is my cousin named Diamond? -Because Aunt Carol Loves Diamonds -What about me? -Enough questions Harambe
I don't think I could ever fall in love with a midget... I don't think I could ever fall in love with a midget. But I guess it's better to fall in love with a small person, than not a tall.
Hey man, settle an argument for me? "Sure" [handing him a sword] Great, he's just in there
What's the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine? A Porcupine has the pricks on the outside
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My missus has a punctuation fetish Whenever she has a period, I get to use the colon.
What do you call Stephen Hawking before he got motor neuron disease? Stephen Walkin
I thought it was odd that there is a Bass Pro Shop and a Dicks in the same shopping center.... But then I realized Bass Pro does attract dicks!
"Oh, not much, just grooming my magnificent, powerful wings, you?" -Pegasus every time a normal horse calls him
Woman walks in on a man who's masturbating. Woman says, "Eww you pervert!"... **Man** walks in on a **woman** who's masturbating. Woman says "Eww you pervert!" credit: /u/nobodyatnight
it's 2013 and food can still make you fat get it together science.
Have you guys seen that great television show, "Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?"
Great things come in small packages Is what i say everytime before i whip it out.
Every generation just wants their kids to have a better "Spiderman" reboot than they did.
What do you call a gust of wind full of sand? A rough draft
Yo mamma so fat... That when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up
The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa , a minute passes" is stupid Because the majority of Africans don't get seconds , they'll be very lucky if they even get their first servings .
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. -Oscar Levant.
Whats the difference between Taylor Swift and Adele? About fifty pounds
Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last as long for fat people!
She: 5 mins babe He: Ok *discovers a new planet* *travels to it* *discovers life* *returns back* He: Ready? She: 5 mins babe
My favorite pokemon joke What did pikachu say when ash fell off a cliff? Pikachu, that's all he can say.
I got sick from the Mexican ice cream shop... I got helladiarrhia.
i love nature :) sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
What's the correct term for an americano without cream or sugar? an African Americano
If I was on death row I'd request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn't be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing? He couldn't handle the boos.
A girl's ass is like an onion... ...It'll give you really bad breath if you eat it raw!
My sausage-addicted friend died in a car crash. Apparently, he took a turn for the wurst.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. So, I got drunk.
A cattle rancher thought he had 196 cows... ...but when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Best pickup line that should not fail. Guy: Wanna have great sex. Girl: No. Guy: Great, let's go then.
I wonder if clothes in China say "made around the corner"
An Irish man walks out of a bar....
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
yo mama's o fat she supplies 99% of  British gas.
A paraplegic high school senior can graduate... ...but can't walk with their class.
What's grey and comes in pints? An Elephant.
I kicked my rear-view mirror addiction... I'm never looking back.
Did you hear about the plane full of anorexics that crashed? There were no FAT-alities, but everyone felt really, really dead.
Crime TV shows aren't what they used to be That's why I support Donald Trump's promise to bring back Law and Order.
I remember last year... It's like it was yesterday.
Remember ladies, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it's because you're a whore.
I prefer my babies *shaken, not heard*
I was talking to a record producer at the urinals and now I've got a number 1 on my hands
Vikings kicker Blair Walsh apparently attempted suicide last night. He ended up being just fine, he was unable to kick the chair out from under him.
i like my women like i like my coffee roasted, ground up, and suspended in hot water
Why don't Rooster's wear underwear? Because their pecker's on their face
Why was the scalar depressed? Because he had no direction.
My friends call me The Archeologist Because I date old, dusty pieces of junk
I woke up to the crack of Dawn the other day... I said "Dawn! Get off my face!"
Italian WWII Tank for Sale It has 5 speeds; 4 are reverse.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
how do you make pickle bread? with dill dough
Relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut
The best &amp; funniest part of The Big Bang Theory.., is when I get the remote to change the channel.
Planters will be distributing exclusively to airlines. That's just plane nuts.
My jokes are still in alpha. Hopefully soon they'll get beta.
Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.
I unplugged my carbon monoxide detector from the wall today All that beeping was giving me headaches and making me feel nauseous
Why don't Mexican's sweat as much as other races? They don't want to fill up the river as they cross it.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Maggie Thatcher is due to be buried in a man made lake. Well, it will be once everyone finishes pissing on her grave.
Why was the vampire's girlfriend mad at him? Because she couldn't finish her sentences. Why couldn't she finish her sentences? He kept eating her periods.
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? You don't cry when you chop up a hooker.
Dreading the day that all my present and past roommates figure out that I haven't bought my own body wash in 10 years.
I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance
What's worse than waking up with a boner? Realizing it's not yours.
Two drums and cymbal fall off a cliff... buh dum, tish...
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
I can't believe how racist star wars is. Of course the only black guy never knew his father.
Wife left a note on the fridge it says "It's not working, gone to my mom's" I opened it and opened a beer, it's cold, the fridge works fine?
Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Asked my grandfather if he had anything equivalent to Victoria's Secret when he was young He said "No, we had morals."
My wife's a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right! But I've stuck with her, through thick and thin.
Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!
What does John F. Kennedy have in common with the current Democratic Party? No brains
God has cursed me with thoughts that come in 147 characters.
I do really well on Jeopardy. I get all the answers, every one of them, almost instantly. I do, however, have a lot of trouble coming up with the questions.
[in a meeting] ok a Dracula movie except he's new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught- "that's just Footloose"
This one trick will make you feel young again. Made you look.
What's a neckbeard's favorite pie? Lemon m'ringue pie
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'll just let it go.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis? her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act] "Ok all you guys need is a name" *they look around bank for ideas*
What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.
I just found out they have Canadian Jeopardy It's almost the same, only your answers must be in the form of an apology.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars.
Islamophobia is a lot like acrophobia ... understandable to an extent.
If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life.... Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?
What's long and hard and screws people? An exam.
I fucked a girl for 1 hour and 45 seconds tonight Thanks daylight savings
Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians? Because they all live in de-nile...
H: So what's the worst thing you've ever seen someone do? Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
What's the difference between a black man and batman? Batman can go into a store without Robin!
What instrument did Bill Clinton play? That whore Monica.
What is the Dothraki horde's favourite cheese? Khaloumi.
Arnold Schwarzenegger goes to a Halloween party. The theme is "Dead Classical Composers"... When asked who he'll dress up as, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
What came first: the chicken or the egg? The egg because I ate egg for breakfast and chicken for dinner.
I want to believe Pistorius...... ... But it's pretty clear his argument doesn't have a leg to stand on
What do you say to give an electrician encouragement? "You conduit!"
If you pooped everything out and then only ate corn after that, would your next poop just be a pile of corn? Oh sorry welcome to PF Chang's
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
How do you circumsize an Alabama man? Kick his sister in the chin.
A guy calls his local butchery... - Do you have chicken paws? - Yes - Do you have chicken wings? - Yes, I do - Do you have pig's head? - Sure - You must look really funny then
What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? I've never paid money to have a lentil on my face.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? I've never paid money to have a lentil on my face!
Why was the blond excited when she finished her puzzle after 6 months? Because the box said 2-4 years!
Whats the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your throat.
North Korea says it's gonna terror attack South Korea. I don't have a punchline, that's just really funny.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you're 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it's merely a suggestion.
What did one hat say to another? You stay here, I'll go on a head!
Russia announces it will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year And yes, they will be roasting Turkey.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"
I bought my friend an elephant for his living room. Friend: thank you. Me: Don't mention it. *Edit: formatting.*
A psychic told me I was going to die a virgin So I raped her and asked for my 20$ back
You know you just can't tell Penguin jokes. They just don't fly
Afraid your kid might be a commie? Well if he paints one of his bedroom walls red with some yellow stars or a hammer and sickle, that's a huge red flag.
One did one redditor say to the other? Heard it.
Last night I was with a girl... ...she told me she wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the jaw.
I love "Choose your own adventures" because my two favorite things are reading and blaming myself.
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
I went to school with a girl who said her last name was Faux. I thought to myself, "Man, that's got to be fake."
If you get butterflies in your stomach You should probably stop eating insects
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th floor But that's another storey.
Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
What the mothers against drunk driving aren't counting on is my innate ability to run people over while sober.
A survey was held on what citizens of the United Kingdom thought of the new DOOM game... The overwhelming response was "bloody hell"
What was Justin Timberlake called when he was a kid? Justin Timberpuddle!
Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me, and I thought "Well that was a little condescending."
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I complimented someone for their amazing mustache. I don't understand why she threw a fit though.
What did the 3D Vector say after making a bad joke? i j k
Blind Man I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)
What does a buisness man wear to the beach A wet suit What am i doing with my life...
How many bees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how do they get in there?
I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl... ...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.
What's the definition of a cannibal? Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Feline-loving fashionista's favorite music? Techno. *boots-n-cats-n-boots-n-cats-n-boots-n-cats*
Why did Microsoft jump from Windows 8 to Windows 10? Because Windows 7, 8 9.....
I'm running a 3K to raise awareness for the Klan!
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
What do you call a guy in a suit sitting in a tree? Branch Manager
If you're American before you go to the bathroom and American after. What are you when you're in the bathroom? European
What is Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe.
A rainbow is doing a drug deal... The cops pull up and the rainbow yells "I don't want to go back to prism!"
Why did Hitler have a vitamin C deficiency? He hated juice.
How would you describe sex with a midget covered in sugar? Short and sweet
okay, so you're definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My girlfriend is a lot like fast food I only come inside about once a year
Where did the hamburger meet the cheeseburger? At the meat ball.
Any girl who says she's not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.
How do skeletons make a baby? They bone
Hung like Einstein smart as a horse... Thanks dad.
To all you letters that want to be before P in the alphabet, join the Q.
What else did Lochte say after the truth came out? This did not go swimmingly at all
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you're doing it?
I have never met a farmer that isn't pro tractor
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Some morbid baby jokes What's scarier then ten babies in one jar? A: One baby in ten jars How do you got a baby in a container? A: blend it.
[at sheep farm] Me: So how do you get steel wool? Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep Me: huh? *sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My problem is that all food is comfort food
A man walks into the zoo. The only animal there is a dog. It's a shitzu.
Did you hear about the gay guy who got in a car accident? Some dick rear-ended him.
Why is Jar Jar Binks so lonely? He's been Wookie for love in Alderaan places.
What's another name for a ghost writer? A prose-titute.
Venison... is dear.
Hey everyone, my mom's following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Pony: "I love hay so much I-" Dad: "Why don't you marry it, ya big nerd?" *pony grows up* *becomes Horse Emperor* *legalizes hay marriage*
What do you call pasta with ketchup? Spaghetto Ba-dum tss.
A blind woman told me she thought I had some good girth on my cock I think she was just pulling my leg.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Butts Do not like lies.
It's ironic that so many NASCAR fans are afraid of other races.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years' hobo costume to dress up as this year's federal employee.
What does blue paint taste like? Exactly like red paint!
How do you know if a guy has an asian wife? He'll tell you.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Bad news about shortbread! They're not making it any longer.
Did you know that 1 in every doll, in every doll, in every doll, in every doll are Russian?
SEA LION 1: "More like shark *weak* amirite?" SEA LION 2: "Hahaha" SHARK: "Hey guys, what ya watching?" [Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
After starting on August 15th, 2004, Julia Roberts just finished brushing her teeth a few hours ago.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
I'm pretty Gouda cheesy jokes And I bet you Swiss I had another.
I hope the members of Chumbawmba have those Life Alert bracelets, you know, in case they finally can't get up again.
Why did Michael Jackson have such a private life? He wasn't nosey.
So are we all just going to pretend that we didn't spend 2001 yelling, "Whassup?" at each other?
Where am I? I don't know where I am, but there's a huge nuke in front of me, obviously supposed to be secret. I'm terrified. I ran.
I went to the shop and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."
Bees! Beavers! Let's settle this once and for all: WHO'S BUSIER?
How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None the keyboardist can do it with his left hand.
What did the bird say when it flew into the window? Owl
Never look back. If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe, she wouldn't have become a princess.
I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.
So my friend tells me that he's thinking about creating a new strain of Marijuana called "Comcast". It'll sound really good but it won't get you very high.
I have a confession about my time at the movies recently... Okay, fine. I'll admit it: I'm bad. I take women to The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and I never Gollum back.
Ukraine asks Russia to leave... Russia replies, "Crimea river."
You know what's odd? Every other number.
I think the doctors told me my blood type was A... but I'm not positive.
My girlfriend told me I was fucking stupid I told her she was just clever in her own way.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like "you can totally take him."
Me: I HAD A VISION! I was a GARDEN GNOME & I was ridding a FLAMINGO & the FAIRIES sprinkled cocaine on me & I FLIED!! My Therapist: .....
The titanic is all like... "I nominate all my passengers for the ice bucket challenge"
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn't you? ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
So I was buying a ticket for a train from London to Paris... And the man behind the desk said, "Eurostar?" So I replied, "Well I've been on TV, but I'm no Johnny Depp!"
A local restaurant is having an election special... You get two small breasts, two fat thighs, and one left wing. Side-note: don't like Trump either don't obliterate me.
In honor of the Vikings/Packers game on Saturday... How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you? They grit their tooth at you.
Now I'm trying to see if I can hear the ocean - me, as a gynecologist
What do you call a pink slip served in a coffee bag? Grounds for termination!
Cemetery I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy behind a gravestone. I said "Morning." He replied, "No, just taking a shit."
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
Sorry I asked for a rim job... ... it was only tongue in cheek.
To me, God will always be that guy that could've made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, "Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS."
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave* Tell me when.
I was in the attic the other day... ...and I found a Christmas present that I meant to give to my daughter a year ago. It's a shame I forgot about it, she always wanted a puppy.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, "My husband said." My go to response is, "My dogs haven't said much today."
If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
My ex's ex and my left hand are dating.
Today's a beautiful day... After all, nothing beats Mayweather.
Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.
I recently invented a new word to describe a lot of the jokes on the subreddit. Plagiarism.
Why did The Walrus go to a Tupperware party? He wanted to find a tight seal.
Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court!!!
Religion is like AIDS. Keep it to yourself.
Joe was chopping wood with his Dad Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot! Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency! Me: *grabs tools* Neighbor is naked and wet Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF* He disappeared without a tres.
I was going to sue U2 for stealing one of my songs But I found out my lawyer was pro-bono.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I just bought a Christmas tree and my buddy asked, "Are you going to put that up yourself?" I replied, "No, I was thinking the living room."
Donald Trump has written a lot of books But they all ended with chapter 11
Why are there no awards for excellence in betas? Because no one wants to be the master beta tester.
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er!
[Opens hand sanitiser] SUbmiT YoUr SOuL tO EternAL HeLL fiRe [closes lid] wtf? [looks at label] LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[turns to guy at next urinal] "When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion"
[to snake at news station] you can't do weather anymore "ssswhy not?" are we getting rain tomorrow? "sssno" do you see how that's confusing?
Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.
What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys? Leave my presents
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute? You only cry when you're cutting up one. Sorry if this is too 'dirty' a joke, just a change of pace I guess.
Do you need an Ark? I Noah guy.
I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.
they say each cigarette you smoke takes 7-11 minutes off your life, last year i smoked 11,000 i dont look a day younger
My Mum laughed at me when I said I was building a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe
Live Shark "Can I buy a live shark here?" "Lady, what do you want with a live shark?" "A neighbor's cat has been eating my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson."
How long does it take for a GNOME developer to take a shit? I don't know, how long until the next version of GNOME?
What is a Mathematician specializing in absolute numbers called? A Sith.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me. Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth? 5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.
How many men does it take to close the toilet seat? No one knows yet!
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender asks; "Why the long face?"
What do you call an overweight ET ? An extra cholesterol !
A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A Catholic will say hello when he sees you in the liquor store.
Today I learned that pouring water on someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won't electrocute them. It will only make them angry
As soon as I plugged in my laptop, all my files became unreadable. I guess power corrupts.
What did they call Jesus Christ when he was crucified? Holy
What did the business man say to the gangster? Pull up your fucking pants.
What do gay people call each other on? Homophones!
What do gay people call each other on? Homophones.
some people want to be buried when they die. others want to be cremated. personally, I think I would like to be brought back to life
Money doesn't grow on trees unless you are a pot dealer
Why was the surfer such a bad cook? All he could handle was the microwave
What's the most famous line at a gay bar? "Can I push in your stool?"
My friend got a nice new ride, but no one wants to drive him around in it Now he's got all that car and nothing to chauffeur it.
I asked my mate what he wanted for dinner He said he fancies a Chinese. I said I didn't ask you about your love life I asked what you wanted to eat.
[hits you in the face with newspaper] "Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars."
[Army Shooting Range] Officer: Are you locked & loaded? Soldiers: YES SIR! Officer: You may fire at will! Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I like my women like I like my drain pipes. Covered in a thin layer of PVC and attached to a wall.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I'M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL * hangs up land-line *
How would you tell if the Queen was stoned? Her Highness will tell you
My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes. Im basically a single dad now
What do dyslexic soldiers get after war? PDTS
So I just found out my grandpa was in the Holocaust. He worked up in one of the guard towers
I'm a religious man living in Colorado, and I'm starting a marijuana business. I'm calling it Holy Smokes.
"Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you."
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three hos.
I used to indecisive, now I'm not so sure.....
We're like lazy revolutionaries who act only by posting lame comments on a public forum.
What kind of potato chips do dogs like best? RUFFles
What do you call a slightly impolite canadian dust devil? Da rude "eh" sandstorm
My girlfriend complained about my obsession with spices. So I said, "Bae, leave."
Apparently you can't just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Why did the pilot hit the Alps? To get to the other side.
It's like my daddy always says...if you can't beat 'em, arrange to have 'em beaten.
I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day
FINALLY in Toronto. Winter Olympics, here I come!
What is green and pecks on trees ? Woody Wood Pickle !
What do gospel and interracial porn have in common? Gifted black people and constant calls to God.
How do you get a Catholic nun pregnant? Dress her as a choirboy
I wonder what chairs think about all day "Oh, here comes another asshole"
[Batman's parents return after 40 years] Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
Perhaps Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Ford cars and anal.. If you replace ford with anal you will get some interesting results. Anal Explorer Anal Fiesta Anal Focus Anal Flex Anal Fusion
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.
I like to knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident and I understand you're the bastard that's been opening my mail."
Why are fish no good at tennis? They don't like to get too close to the net!
Why can't Chinese emperors commit murder? Because it's irregal
What does a fat ballerina wear? A three-three
Wanna go out with me? Make an awkward face for yes. Name the entire periodic table for no.
Give a man a fish: you just killed a fish. Teach a man to fish: you just killed like a thousand fish
After the presidential debate, they debate about the debate. Mind Blown
What would be different if men got pregnant? Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer? ..... a father in law.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just look for the fresh prints.
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind a 5k, but my running group wants to a 10k. I don't like them.
My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.
What's the difference between Limburger cheese and my friend Ted? One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)
Scientists thought they had found a limb of an ancient hominid... but it was just a fossil arm.
How do you fit 20 Jews in a Cadillac? One in the driver's seat, one in the passenger, three in the back, and the rest in the ash tray.
My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. It's quite rewarding working from home I tell ya
How do you tell the teams apart in Amish women's basketball? It's skirts versus shins.
What is a great game for unvaccinated children? Marco Polio
sorry i lost my nudes can u send me yours
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Did you hear about the teacher who had eye problems? She couldn't control her pupils.
A guy walked into a bar... ouch
What do u get when u mix a douche and a tool? Scottsdale.
How do you make 5 pounds of ugly fat really attractive? Put a nipple on it!
Why is Chinese the best language? It has the most character.
awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
Of course Tom Cruise will complete his mission. With Xenu, all things are possible.
*in bed* Him: what's your fantasy, baby? Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold Him: No, like sexual Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Dear Short guy at the gym who's really fucking jacked. I don't think your goal should be to grow wider, little buddy...
What sentence is vastly shorter after you remove one word from it? Child porn
What did the psychiatrist say to the patient that showed up wearing Saran Wrap and nothing else? I can clearly see your nuts!
The snail and the tortoise What did the snail say while riding on the back of the tortoise? Wheeeee!!!! --hey, at least it's a fun joke for kids!
You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat's medication.
I need "Block" Jokes I blocked my friend really hard in a volleyball game on the weekend and I need some block puns. Thanks!
Why did a surgeon go to prison? His medical license was doctored.
So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ... Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a stroke.
Three New Yorkers are sitting at a bar... I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about being from New York.
When you ask a girl, Wanna go to the gym with me? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQegAi6d-MM
whenever I think of the happy birthday song I imagine someone softly crying and singing it under their breath, blowing out a candle alone
"You are what you eat"? I don't remember eating a giant disappointment.
Why are Americans scared of roundabouts? Centrifugal force scales with mass
Of course there's a financial crisis in Greece. How much yogurt could they possibly sell.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing.
Hellen Keller walks into a bar... She now has a bruise on her forehead...
Harry POTter? Hermione GANJer?HufflePUFF?? More like the sorcerer's STONED. Wake up, America, JK Rowling has a hidden agenda.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Another "Iron Man" Joke Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
You didn't come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?
I thought I was wrong once.... but I was mistaken.
What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples? "Don't tell the farmer. He might charge us extra."
I heard about a woman who doesn't use her feet... I really want to meter.
What is the philosophy of a necrophiliac? Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one
Forgot that I made a cup of coffee... now mass immigration has caused it to go cold.
You're like a dream. Not there when I wake up.
what is Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner's latest award? Tripod of the year.
The only ghosts I'm afraid of are my google searches coming back to haunt me.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Jerkey
Q: Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing? A: He was striking a happy medium.
How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just sit in the dark and cry.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
what do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jooouice!
What's the difference between Hillary's e-mails and the UK leaving the EU? Hillary got off Scott-free.
Hey venus flytrap got you a treat how bout a big ol juicy bug open your mouth..BOOM THATS A MILK DUD you're a plant you eat sunlight idiot
How do you get a parrot to talk properly ?  Send him to polytechnic !
Did you hear about the neckbeards that raped the killer clown? They did it, Reddit.
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're dead.
How does the universe throw a party? They planet.
[Pickup Line] Are you a phillips or flathead? OP: Uh, I don't know, why? YOU: I'm just trying to figure out how to screw you.
How many anesthesiologists does it... take... to... ... change... ... a... ... ... ... ...
Show me a man who every morning greets the sun with a smile.. ..and I'll show you a man with a tanned gum.
[Fortune Teller] "I see great wealth, also danger." Oh. "And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled." Are you watching Breaki- "Jesse is so hot."
The next Iphone I'm sure the next Iphone will be a big 6s.
So you have better sunblock than me... Rub it in
"Everyone says they're voting for Clinton or Trump, but I'm voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus."
The Longest Joke Ever! My life
What's the soft stuff between sharks' teeth? Slow swimmers
My 85 year old Grandfather just burned me so hard... Me: "Hey Pup, know what I've been thinking?" Pup: "Is that what I smell burning?"
Did you hear the headline abou the lunatic who raped the laundry woman and ran away? "Nut screws washer and bolts"
I just wanna make a lot of money and not do very much, is that so wrong?
France and Italy declare war... France surrenders and Italy switches sides. Both countries lose.
I apologize and Im sorry mean the same thing... Except when you're at a funeral.
So a foreign exchange student asks me: "Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?" I told them it was either.
What do cows like to put on their hot dogs? moostard
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bowl ! Bowl who ? Bowl me over !
The E.E.P.A levies charges against Franck Riboud, CEO of Evian, for tapping into protected aquifers in the Swiss Alps. I guess he's in haute water now!
I have insomnia. I have insomnia My doctor says it's very common and that I shouldn't lose any sleep over it.
A group of ventriloquists was murdered yesterday. Their screams were heard a mile away.
My cat's tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I'm scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.
The Three Words You Dread What are the three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."
when someone says 'your flys down' it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day
It's time for my wife's 12 week sonogram! I can't wait to see what we'll have! A son or an abortion
Lesbian Vampires What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month! Credit : /u/andrej88
When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.
TIFU by feeding my mogwai after midnight Whoops, wrong sub. By the way, if you see one, just throw it in the microwave for like 45 seconds.
How do you scare a man Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice
A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are through the roof.
God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.
How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the changes necessary will come from within.
What would the war be called if Donald Trump started war on the Mexicans? World war Juan
I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books. I don't have 10 so I just started naming insects.
"It's very expensive." - Chipotle employee "Look, I got money to spend in here." - Julia Roberts Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
What's the one thing a hoarder has no trouble letting go of? Their mind
Mike Tyson asks you: How do you think the unthinkable? With an Itheberg
"A child's observation" A child's observation: If a mother laughs at dad's jokes, we have guests.
I tried to take a dump on an airplane. TSA was none too please when they had to clean out the tray
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn't really work otherwise.
I once met a woman with wooden breast implants This joke would be funny with a punchline, wouldn't it?
One of life's great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say "Great minds think alike".
Who did the ghost-boy write to during his trip to ghost-summercamp? There is no afterlife.
A Board Game Walks into a Bar... The bartender says, "look, we don't want any Trouble!"
What's Mr. T's favorite band? the Foo Fighters
How many SEO experts does it take to change a lightbulb? lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Did you hear about the fly that flew through a screen door? He strained himself.
What's the one movie that Rick Astley won't let you borrow? He's never gonna give you Up.
What do you call a black guy flying an air plane? A pilot. You racist asshole.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on this morning.
my whole right leg fell asleep and my left leg is drawing dicks all over it wtf
New sexual position: The Canada. You climb on top and don't do much.
I read somewhere that Alligators only have to eat once every three weeks... if only that Disney Alligator could have waited one more day.
Pool donations A man came to my door Asking for donations towards the local swimming pool So I peed in it.
so, what is the difference between a condo and a condom? no difference, you get fucked with either of them
Why is it so hot? I can just feel the sweat roll down kirstie alley's thighs
Friends are like ants if you burn them, they die.
If there is a hurricane coming why don't we just name it a black name? For all we know, they would probaby never show up.
Every night Owen Wilson secretly prays tomorrow will be the day his son breaks his nose for the first time.
Bert asked Ernie if he wants ice cream "Sure, Bert"
do you know why the chameleon couldn't change colors? he has a reptile dysfunction
The World's Shortest Joke Two women were sitting quietly.
Best Deal Ever My wife said she'll divorce me if I get I phone 6S Rose gold. That's the deal..
Now that the german sense of humor has been acknowledged internationally, we can be sure of one thing... ...next world war is going to be *hilarious*.
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?" The horse says "that's offensive asshole!" -The one and only OG Nipple
Go home North Korea, you're drunk.
Yo momma is so unfamiliar with the gym... ...she calls it James
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. She's a 10, but she's imaginary.
I'm the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.
Margaret Sanger.
I feel sorry for Bruce Jenner. He should have never admitted that he is a Republican. Some things are just better kept in the closet.
Put the punchline in the title. How to ruin a joke
I like when Google answers my stupid questions because it means I'm not the only one asking Google stupid questions.
MORMON ELECTION GAME: Every time Romney becomes president, drink.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can't get it with a $150 hotel room?
what do you call a jamaican proctologist? POKE-MON!
if you meet a woman under the age of 75 named "Maude" or "Agatha" it's a good bet to check nearby for a time machine
A man goes to the doctor for an exam... ... the doctor looks at him and says, "You have to stop masturbating." "Why?" asks the man. "Because I'm trying to examine you," says the doctor.
Roses are red, violets are blue Some poems rhyme this is not one of them
The people of Baltimore played GTA yesterday... Tonight they will see the National Guard play Call of Duty.
A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel shoved down his pants. The bartender says, "hey pirate that's got to be hard to walk with." Pirate says, "aye, it be driving me nuts."
Who do you call when your wheelchair gets a flat? Cripple A.
A LGBT activist asked me how I view lesbians Apparently "fucking inhumane sluts" wasn't the correct answer
What did the physicist say when his wife wanted to go jewelery shopping? "I don't have the energy for this."
How do you have a sexy barbecue? You grill the sausage.
What is the pirate's favourite letter? C
Had a girl say "I want you to treat me like a virgin" So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
I'm at my most insecure when asked if I want to save changes made to a document when I am sure I did not make any changes at all.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Meatloaf will do anything for love, but he won't lose weight.
Let's pause this conversation until your Transition Lenses catch up.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl peeing? Because P is silent.
What happens when almonds die? Diamond
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If you type in "google" in google search, it shows you pictures of your grandkids
I know a guy who became a millionaire after marrying his wife Before that, he was a billionaire...
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn't intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
The weirder Rihanna's tattoos get the less I blame Chris Brown.
A hummingbird is a lot like a songbird, It just doesn't know the lyrics.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle ...
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer? Ash credits to /u/nothingbutcold
Why is Texas the "Lone Star" state? It was rated out of five.
My dealer texts to ask if I'm straight and I'm not even sure how that's relevant to our arrangement
What type of MMO's does the Taliban play? RPG's
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. There's nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Old Jewish Proverb: It's better to have Russians cut-off the gas than ... ... have Germans pump it.
My mother-in-law's text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law's rage isn't really from Vietnam.
Why do mice have tiny balls? Not very many of them know how to dance
Don't even talk to me unless you're an actual cup of coffee. In which case I'd listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.
A little Jewish boy asks his Jewish father for 40$... Father: 30$! what do you need 20$ for?!
Did you hear the one about Make-A-Wish foundation giving concert tickets to the little deaf boy? Neither did he.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Want to make sure you don't walk in on anyone masturbating when you get home? Try opening a bag of chips quietly when you get to your street
How much is Hillary Clinton's life insurance? Just one bill.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
What did one Nigerian Prince say to the other? Wanna go phishing?
A magician was driving in his car... ...and he turned into a driveway.
A lawyer I know is a big fan of U2 He's pro Bono.
Patient: Doctor you must help me.  I'm under such a lot of stress I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did didn't I you stupid fool!!
Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly.
Tarzan was tired when he came home. "What have you been doing" asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really ?" said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"
Why run from kids? When you could eat them
Would a gay shop owner decline service to straights? No, because gay people aren't fucking assholes
"Remember," said my boss, "It takes 20 years to build a reputation..." "...And only a few seconds to say I had sex with your daughter."
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
Anniversary "Knock* Knock*" :Who's there? "9/11" :9/11 who? "You said you'd never forget!"
Massacre between rival musicians at the Symphony Orchestra today, . Authorities have condemned this act of Violins
Knock Knock "Who's There?" "Dwayne." "Dwayne who?" "Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!"
Never heard this joke before... neither will you
What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
How are Women and Hurricanes Similar? They both come in hot and wet and **TAKE THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER, SARAH YOU BITCH!**
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Ten-ish.
What is a Redditors favorite animal? A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.
The lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life," but john came fifth and won a toaster.
Policeman: Why did your car just spin around in circles? Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.
a quadruple amputee is waiting at the  bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says "alright John how you getting on today?"
Where do pigs park their cars? A porking lot.
How to solve issues with life expectancy The doctor has given me four months to live. I shot the doctor, The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved
My friend tried to light a cop car on fire. He threw 99 Bananas...
What is a downies favourite song? Hot potato. Hot potato.
A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks, "why the long face?"
Two aerials get married... .. the Reception was amazing.
Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress  working on a movie? A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.
First time I got high was pretty intense. I was in the back seat of my brothers car. Must have been some good shit since I'm an only child.
Rosetta Stone should make software for whatever valley girl language my 16-year old stepdaughter speaks.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands
Microsoft will start making ... vacuum cleaners. It will be the only thing they make that doesn't suck.
Why do petri dishes make good conversationalists? They're cultured.
My 4 year old is a comedian and loves jokes.. this is her favorite one... Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because he wasn't peeling very well.
That awkward laugh when they've said something innocuous, but you're thinking something incredibly dirty.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.
What do you call four drowning spanish teachers? Cuatro sinko. ;)
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My weed stash is like the Koran... If you burn that shit, you'll get stoned.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I'd find another nickname for her lady parts.
What has 90 balls and screws old women? Bingo!
Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? How I bought your mother
I hate being the walking dead. I wish I could be the driving dead. Even the bus riding dead would do.
Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don't serve alcohol at the wedding.
There's an old Irish saying: "I'm Irish."
Me - I'm not in the mood to work today My bank account - you better GET in the mood
What advice did the frog give to the condom manufacturer? Rib it.
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy a gang bang
What do a Yugo and a bath have in common? You can't step out of them in public.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My girlfriend and I are fighting over my recent hair loss... I really hope it's just a rough patch
How come there are no Jared Fogle jokes on reddit? No I mean it im just asking,
What'd the scientist say to the man who was frozen to absolute zero? Are you 0K?
Today I've smoked 2 packs of cigs, eaten only deep-fried foods & took the seatbelts out of my truck. Free healthcare is going to be awesome.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
If only the person that named "walkie talkies" had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Being attracted to my own flaccid penis really sucks. But it does have its ups and downs.
Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform? So the Marine have something to hold on to.
My internet bride got delivered today.. she's the WiFi always dreamed of.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
It's fun to go up to people sitting in the mall having a job interview and shout, "The cocaine you sold me yesterday was the bomb-dot-com!"
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name amen"
What did one stereo say to the other... What did one stereo say to the other when he got called down to the office for having no bass? "Oooooh you're in treble"
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!! ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Why does snoop dog need an umbrella? Fo' drizzle....
If the State of the Union is really "the best it's ever been" Why do we "need" dozens of new government programs to fix it!
Why do french people love eating snails? Because they hate fast food
How many rappers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two!.......pac. ^(*It's a lot better spoken than written.*)
How to pick up a girl in a club: 1. Stare at her 2. Walk up to her 3. Shout stuff
TIL It is common for staff and surgeons to laugh hysterically during separation surgery to conjoined twins. Well it is side-splitting.
What has two asses and can kill you? An assassin
I went to a posh school. In fact it was so posh, their gym was called James.
New study shows Android phone users are more likely to put out, apparently iPhone users are too busy waiting in a line to have sex.
My dick was once in the Guinness Book of Records. World's smallest dick.
What's the big deal with the Dog Whisperer? My dog whispers all the time! "Kill for me," he rasps.
How did the escape artist annoy r/jokes?
"Z" I'm so hungry i could eat a pony " - Guy who knows a full horse would be too much
I've run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
Two pretzels were walking down the street hand in hand. One was a salted. Did the other one come plain?
Muslims are against the consumption of Pork and believe the pig to be unclean. Yet their prophet has Ham in his name.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You're experiencing what scientists refer to as "the eye of the shitstorm."
Me: OMG, I haven't seen you in so long! Her: We've never met. Me: That long huh?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
A joke is like a frog... ... you understand it better after you dissect it, but then the frog is dead.
[interview] So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician? Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year!
Come on Fred I'll take you to the zoo. If the zoo wants me let them come and get me!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Why do women have short feet? So they can stand closer to the sink
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone* JUDGE: he's got a point
What's a gay guy's favorite news station? The BBC.
What has four legs, two horns, and always brags about climbing really tall things? A mountain gloat.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell "spider" first. They may even thank you.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we're having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
I put a tiny bow tie on a ladybug so you could tell he was a male. It looks adorable except for he's dead now.
If you could choose between 1 billion dollars and world peace... What would the color of your new Lamborghini be?
You know what I hate about Reddit? [Removed]
What did the phone say to the other phone after a bad rejection? If you like it then you shudda put a ringtone on it.
Why was Windows afraid of 7? Because 7 8 10.
[caveman scratches a cave painting of an elephant onto the cave wall] ELEPHANT: delete it
Why did Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left" ? Because she knew Niggas have no right.
Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian. That's what most Christians do anyways.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans? Nothing this big stays secret. Just Google them. There's probably a torrent somewhere.
[bum holds his hand out] "can I have some change?" change comes from within "thank u. now I'm not poor anymore"
Jajajajajajaja is either a Mexican laughing or a German having sex.
Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
I just took a huge shit. I don't know who it belongs to, but I took it.
1964:"Remember kids," a youth basketball coach says, "there's no "i" in team." "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, "... not yet."
It takes a village to raise a child... ...it takes a child with a flamethrower to raze a village.
What do you get if you cross a 20-year-old man, and 37 steak knives? 25 years in prison
Why do orphans go to church? It's the only place they can call someone "father".
Why do penguins have skinny penises because they only have flippers
Cop: How much have you had to drink? Me: Like six carrot juices Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can't spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
What's the best name for an atheist? Godfrey
WHY DO COWS LIE DOWN IN THE RAIN? TO KEEP EACH UDDER DRY.
I lost my mood ring. I'm unsure how I feel about it.
Why didn't the melons get married? They cantaloupe.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee.
What's a shark's favorite illegal substance? Reefer
What physical trait does a shapely woman who studies statistics have? Belle curves.
Why do you wrap gophers in electrical tape? So they don't explode when you fuck 'em.
Why do black people have nightmares? Because we killed the only one that had a dream
How Swift is Kanye? About as West as Taylor
Who teaches you how to fart? A tutor :)
A Prime Rib, A Baked Potato, and a Garden Salad walk into a bar... The bartender snaps his head away from the newspaper and yells, "Beat it, guys!" "We don't serve food!"
I like my coffee how I like my women Bitter and cold.
They say tragedy plus time equals comedy... but I just don't think my wife Debra farting herself to death in 2011 will ever be funny to me
Robin Williams died like he lived Depressed.
Why didn't hitler ever cook hot dogs at a bar-b-que? He always tends to burn the franks.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I'm pretty sure it's to charge our phones.
What's worse than seeing your dad's penis? Seeing your mum's.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot... The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
I've got a "bun" (baby) in the "oven" (oven)!
I like my women like I like my coffee Silent.
What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby ? 20 minutes, thermostat 8.
George Washington: We should put 'We trust in God' on our money Thomas Jefferson: Great idea. Did you get that? Yoda (taking notes): Yep
Only 2 phrases can change a woman's mood: "I Love You" and "50% Off".
What do you call it when Batman skips Church? Christian Bale.
I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system! It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.
Ever wonder if you killed that one really important brain cell?
Pretty fucked-up that your grandfather used to jerk it while thinking about Betty Boop drawings.
Dear bed, I'm SO sorry I left you. I don't know what I was thinking. Please take me back.
"Lets put the slowest computer ever into the gas pump & make people answer 15 questions before we allow them to pump gas" - Pump Engineers
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes, Whack! Damn! And a skydiver go Damn! Whack!
Why did the competitive deep-sea diver lose the big competition? He couldn't handle the pressure.
My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her !
Why Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron. Maybe Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron cause he's trying to stay low key.
Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.
Did you hear about the terrorist comedian? He bombed on stage.
The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong's interview is the Tour de France.
What do you call two doctors with colds? An ironic paradox.
What is the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn't like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a repost.
What's Trumps favourite super market? Walmart.
Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax  time? A: A dependent Claus.
There's a couple flies in my room... I'm trying to sleep and they're bugging me.
My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn't a joke its a cry for help.
My doctor prescribed me some anti-gloating cream... Now all I want to do is rub it in.
interviewer: why do you want this job me: i've just always been very passionate about not starving to death
Having sex is like playing bridge....!!!! If you don't have a good partner,you better have a good hand...
What kind of fun do priests have? Nun
As it is Alabama, It wouldn't be proper without the traditional speech... From the father of the bride and groom.
As I've been teaching myself how to use GIS again, I've been listening to a lot of Eminem. And I'm beginning to feel just like a map god, map god.
What's the hardest kind of waffle to find? A Carmen Sandy Eggo
Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff. Me: No I need the car.
People assume I have a small penis because I have a Ferrari. It's actually the other way round.
Monday mornings shouldn't start until noon.
How are blind kids punished by their parents? The parents move the furniture.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking. Jk rowling
What do you call a person who is a bit of a jew? Jew-ish
Let's bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I hate adjectives Because they're terrible!  \_()_/ 
What did the shy pebble wish for? That it could be a little bolder!
Why did the arsonist get kicked off the basketball team? He kept getting pyro-technicalities.
I'd rather have a bottle in-front-of-me ... than a frontal lobotomy.
How does Jackie Chan karate chop things over there? AYA!!
If there's one thing everybody can agree on, no there isn't.
*bursts into church* DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN ... Undertaker: "This is a funeral" ... OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
This one time in 1993, Brett Favre sent an alpha-numeric representation of his penis to my beeper.
My wife said I was average. I said she was mean.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
What do you call a cow that got hit by a car? moo-tilated.
What do you call a warm glass of piss in the forest? A Bear trap.
My girlfriend is a porn star I really hope she never finds out.
Why are gardeners better problem solvers than politicians Because gardeners really get to the root of the problem.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent's glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
China always cheat in the Olympics They always use the same person for every sport
How does a baritone make phone calls?  Song distance!
My mate in Scotland reckons his scrotum got to -273 degrees last night. I reckon that's absolute bollocks
Dogs on a coffee break Dog 1: Heard a great joke... Dog 2: Oh yeah? Dog 1: Knock kn- Dog 2 goes fucking crazy
Why the musician sold his computer... Not enough gigs.
What do you call a tight butthole? a noose
What did one egg say to the other? It's just a Yolk!!
Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid?  He was totally bow-gus!
How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building? About 16 seconds
I'm not a proctologist ... ... but I know an asshole when I see one.
What was the precursor to USB? USA
What did Vincent van Gogh call himself when he joined the Justice League? The Starry Knight
I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma. They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life
I keep a sandwich in a holster strapped to my ankle for emergencies... It's a "below knee sandwich"
origami is a great idea on paper, but in reality folding a swan will kill it.
I'm not making any resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2003.
I'm not an alcoholic... My liver is evil and it must be destroyed.
Roses are red, Roses are blue, Roses are white, Genetics.
You ever watch a really stupid person for like 10 mins and wonder how they haven't been hit by a train or carried off by a giant eagle yet?
Action Dan here, so I read a book on Stockholm syndrome. I didn't like it at first but I have to finish a book I start, by the end I was really into it.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back
I had to stop eating alphabet soup. I kept developing a vowel blockage.
I love that one Reggae song. You know, that one about weed.
Two midgets got married They found their other half
What's the difference between a quid and a pound? I can't quid my dick into your mom.
What do you call an snobbish criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
A woman is like a delicate, Spring flower... ...I have really bad seasonal allergies, so I just tend to get my fix by looking at pictures of them online.
What does an excited karate pupil say to his friend when greeting him? HIYAH!
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? Everyone thinks it's 'R', but his first love be the 'C'.
What do a good vacuum cleaner and a bad vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.
My wife just woke me up to tell me... Wait. June is over? You must be... JULYing.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton? Bill has had sex in the White House.
It is almost 2012 and we still don't have printers that can successfully cancel jobs.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Ladies, don't be sad if your thighs begin to start touching You're becoming a mermaid!
Who are the world's fastest readers? 9/11 victims they got through 63 stories in 10 seconds.
A vegan, a cross fitter and an engineer walk into a bar No they didn't, they couldn't decide who got to tell the bouncer at the door what they do.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem... ...comes out of nowhere.
Why does the "forever alone" keep a beehive next to his bed? Because royal jelly comes in handy... you know, for lowering cholesterol.
Yes, It's true eagles can soar... ...but at least weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I'll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever WIFE: Did u hear something ME: It's just the house settling
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?
What does a suburban neighbourhood do if there's a blackout? They lock their doors and windows.
I'm not a basic Jew, I'm Hasidic.
What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate? Extra Virgin
I had sex with Adele last night... I was rolling in the deep.
My hand sanitizer smells like vodka. This gives me an idea! ........OK, that wasn't a very good idea.
Yo mama so fat.. She fell in love and broke it
What's the best part of Christmas for Santa Clause? He knows where all the naughty girls live #*(   )*
What did the mathematician wear in the beauty contest?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Women are the root of all evil [Math agrees](http://i52.tinypic.com/2hh2all.jpg)
What do you call a happy prosecutor? Smiles Edgeworth.
A black man goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder... The bartender looks at the parrot and says, "Wow! That's a beauty. Where'd you get him?" The parrot replies, "Africa".
Bill Cosby and Steve Harvey walk into a bar... (complete the damn thing)
Fred: I got 100 in school today. Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in? Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add !
"Keith Moon was Nuts" Another insightful nugget of trivia from Opie. Oh you means the rock drummer that put fish and explosives in his drums was "nuts"?
My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess So I put her into the back of a Mercedes and drove her into a wall.
There was a bad accident involving a funeral procession the other day. It was terrible! The toll was four injured, one dead.
What makes cheerleaders nervous? Being late
What is the similarity between a psychologist and a prostitute? They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.
How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change? Nyet long. He's always Russian.
Funny Comeback Dad: you better pass your exam or else forget me as your father! son: ..... son: sure, whatever dad. FIVE HOURS LATER Dad: so how was your exam? Son: who the hell are you?
Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship] *down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands* MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I'm bad at math, So the equation 2n +2n is 4n to me.
What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A Brunette with bad breath.
"United Airlines? More like DIVIDED Airlines" he said as thunderous applause erupted in the terminal, wild cheers & all the old folks crying
What do a veterinary clinic and kpop fans have in common? Euthanasia
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently
How did the depressed man get around town? Moped
Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwomen? - Snowballs :)
On a scale of 10 to 10, how good am I at giving you a choice?
What animal can only survive in temperate climates? A lukeworm.
The fabric of our lives? Why so epic, Cotton?
What do you call it when a guy pees into a bowl after sex? Split pee soup.
What's the one movie Rick won't ever let you borrow? He won't ever give you *Up*. No? I'll show myself out . . .
You remember the singer Gotye? Do you know what he's doing these days? Or would you say he's just somebody that you used to know?
DIET TIP: Always eat smart. Refuse any food that hasn't scored highly on the SATs and been admitted to an Ivy League school.
Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit ? They are both ginger nuts !
ME: Tall, dark, toilet-trained. YOU: Pizza.
If you were a triangle youd be acute one.
Stop screaming! I thought you'd appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
"The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked" I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache
What happened to Windows 9 Windows 7 "Eight" Nine...
What's brown and sticky? A stick. My combo joke: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
Parenting Tip: Place fake present under tree with unruly child's name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash. It was the left wing.
How did Satan turn an unbeliever holy? He scared the hell out of him.
What's the difference between Reddit and Facebook? About a day
My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation? ME: i did, somebody hand wrote 'do not bring pan flute' F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he  couldn't sleep. "She took the bed!"
Wife: "If I died, would you remarry?" Me: "Yup." Wife: "And you'd even let her use my golf clubs??" Me: "No silly! She's left handed."
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Today's the 3rd anniversary of my joining Twitter. Also the 3rd anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book.
Woman across from me will NOT shut up about her where she works. Ugh, I hate job interviews.
I spent most of my money on beer and women. The rest I just wasted.
Blonde: Doctor, it hurts everywhere I touch. Doctor: You have a broken finger.
How do you get 4 old ladies to yell "Shit!"? Get a 5th old lady to yell "Bingo!"
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? I don't think Bush did a cow...
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, I had to dump her because she kept seeing guys on the side.
Nintendo or Nintendont There is no nintendtry
A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back; the instructions on the medicines said : after meal
The Italian faucet.... When it drips it goes wopwopwopwopwopwopwopwop.
How many apples grow on trees? All of them..
What do you call a group of babies? The infantry.
Look, a reindeer. Santa, is that you? Nope. Chuck Testa.
A man walks up to a taxi -How much would it cost to drive me to the center? -5 bucks -What if my wife comes as well? -Still 5 bucks. -Do you see now honey. You ARE worthless.
Why does John Snow wear a Rolex ? Because he's a man of the nice watch
They say god dosn't give people things they can't handle. Except cancer.
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? None. The Russians did it apparently.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?? Because 7 had Ebola.
The word you're trying to think of is "Patronizing".
I just had a phone call saying I'd won 250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It said Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show......
Women jokes The fact is that I don't like jokes about women, period.
Did you hear about the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.
Teacher: What happened to your homework?  Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.
I didn't know too many Jewish people growing up. I realize now that where I'm from they are in the menorah-ty
Did you hear about the man who painted his wife with cheese? He Double Gloucester.
Whenever I go home from work... Have to make sure to leave an hour to sober up!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry Ive got you covered!
Did you hear the joke about the pizza? Nevermind, it's cheesy.
A man posts a Joke on reddit It is not a repost.
5 years ago I asked a girl if she wanted to go on a date. Yesterday I asked her if she would marry me. She said no both times, though.
What jobs have you found out about that made you think "why does this exist"?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Jared of Subway fame's house was raided for investigation of child porn charges..... I found it surprising, as Jared seems to prefer footlongs.
What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie.
My wife recently started snoring, so I decided to use earplugs. but I can only get one in before she wakes up, turns out she doesn't like it when I shove earplugs in her nose.
TwoXchromosomes is so annoying. It sounds like a bunch of crying girls all joined up in one place.
Dr. Frankenstein: The original body-builder!
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM... Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.
When everyone around you is an ahole you've gotta stop, take a long look at you & accept how awesome you are dead center in ahole land.
When Kelis sang about her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard... ...do you suppose she was referring to her dairy-ere?
Todays stats: My 3yr old got pissed off with me because I couldn't stop the wind.
I'm a failure as a sociopath. I'm just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I'm more of a so-sopath.
A Jewish boy asks his Father... A Jewish boy asks his Father, "Dad, can i have 50 pence please? His Father replies, "40 pence! What do you want 30 pence for?"
Birthdays.... ... are good for health. Studied have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer
What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks? Silicon Valley. [Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6bld/kim_kardashians_butt/)
What do you call two gay scientists breaking up? A homolytic fission.
How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? She tried to read her own lips.
Online dates are like recipes... they never look like the picture.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. 
Did you hear about the woman who gave birth in her 50's? You haven't? Oh, wait...that's right.... that's because they can't. (Menopause) Ha.
Nobody who does marijuana says they "do marijuana."
Why did the stonemason break up with the female con artist? She took him for granite.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High Definition Edit:Woah, I got front page! Thanks guys!
If science is so great why hasn't it invented chocolate that has negative calories?
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Flat out racism.
I named my son Gram It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.
Me: when is the pizza ready? Dad: will you wait! Me: I DID MY WAITING Dad: oh god no Me: TWELVE YEARS Dad: not again Me: IN AZKABAN
Why isnt Monica Lewinsky voting for Hillary? The last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.
What do you call a T-Rex that's been weightlifting all day? Dino-sore
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I want a coffee so rich and bold it has a cabin in the woods where it hunts humans for sport.
Q: What is a Budget? A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix... ...never drink and derive.
What did the grand child say to his drowning grandpa? Paddle Pop!
What do you call it when a red head gets a tooth infection? Gingervitus.
Just moved out on my own and am doing really well... All my bills say im outstanding
the existence of groundhog implys the existence of skyhog, treehog, oceanhog
Whale dad joke 'Dad, where did I come from?'          'From my penis'          'Oh...thanks.'          'You're whalecum.'
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it's cold" could you tell me more about that
I like my coffee the way I like my slaves... Free.
Why do teenage girls only hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
How do you make an octopus laugh? By giving it ten tickles *badumts*
Confucius Say It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.
'Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Every human being on earth has mentally retained far too many of the lyrics to "Barbie Girl."
What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs? Two pirates
It was hard until I came into Faith and found bliss She was kind of pissed when she realized I wasn't using a condom though...
I'd like to apologize... To anyone I have not offended. I'll be with you momentarily.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm...? (Rated G) Look for fresh prints...
What's brown and sticky? A stick
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says "YOU MAN THE GUNS, I'LL DRIVE!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (I'm not deleting this)
Where do the cleverest parrots live? In the brain tree forests!
Women seem to think I'm an asshole... but I prefer to think of myself as an opposite sex offender.
It's a shame Pacquiao is opposed to gay marriage. If they were married Mayweather would have boxed more aggressively.
Patient: Doctor I am very nervous. You know this is my first extraction. Young dentist: Don't worry it's my first extraction too.
I think airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.
What do The Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? The both circle Uranus and get rid of Klingons.
Me: Don't be mean to my friend. Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me. Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
A stranger called me the other day and told me to meet him at the cemetery at midnight. What a fucktard. He didn't even come.
If sex with 3 people is called a 3 some, sex with 2 people is called a 2 some.. Then I know why everyone calls you handsome.
How did the instructor try to make horse riding  enjoyable? He tried to stirrup some interest!
What do you call a psychic midget on the run from the law? A small medium at large!!
Give me your best Chuck Norris joke. ^
Which dance moves are the most sparkling? Congas!
Danger is my middle name. Avoid is my first, and Completely is my last. Nice to meet you.
Why was the Energizer Bunny jailed? On charges of battery.
Types of people There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, and those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base-3 joke.
My husband is like Santa Claus He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.
I went to the zoo yesterday, but the only animal they had was a small dog. It was a shih-tzu.
Her dad said he'd like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Why is Pharrell Williams happy? Because he "got lucky".
If rain is God's tears What is snow?
Why did the toilet make a joke about the balls? It was low hanging fruit.
I fainted at an Indian restaurant when I found out that R.E.M had split up That's me in the korma.
*puts on shirt* *shirt rips because of my muscles* *gets yelled at for ruining 5yo's shirt*
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I'm proud of myself- I just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took me 6 months! The box said 2-4 years!
Why was the Astronaut cold? He forgot to bring a space heater.
If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed... Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug. *disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.
Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a  bus driver. Witch: Well I won't stand in your way.
What did one ghost say to the other? Do you believe in people?
What did one testicle say to the other testicle? Don't talk to the guy in the middle. He is a dick!
All I want for Christmas is my own perfume commercial where I say random words like 'hope' and 'passion' & look like a date rape victim.
Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because Mrs. Claus told him he'd never get in the back door.
What do you call a cold and angry cow? Brrrgrrr... What do you call an angry and cold baby? GrrrBrrr...
WHEN CATS ARE SAD Bartender: What'll ya have? Cat: Shot of rum. [Bartender pours it] [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar] Cat: Another.
Can a ninja throw a star? Shuriken
You heard about the guy who stole that calendar right? he got 12 months ...I'll see myself out
I was going to make a chemistry joke But I know I won't get a reaction
A-What's up? B(londe)-The ceiling...
Why do Cows have Hooves instead of Feet? Because they Lac-Tose.
I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like "Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?" & we stay up talking about it.
Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac. He told him it would help him control hispanics.
One. How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
I play the keyboard in a band called The Internet!
Whats the difference between Harambe and a African child? People give a shit about Harambe
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you're eating -- you ALWAYS spill something on it? It's cuz you're a pig.
I don't like holocaust jokes ...because my grandpa died in the holocaust. He fell off a guard tower.
What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub? The landlord said "Sorry we don't serve spirits."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bart ! Bart who ? Bart-enders serve drinks !
One. How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb.
Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or sunflowers?
Why did the lone dolphin stop swimming? He didn't see a porpoise...
I just got a new job working for R.E.M. . . . I'm expecting a generous Michael Stipend.
... and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
What's musical and useful at the grocery store? A Chopin Liszt Note: taken from one of those horrible "Joke of the Day" desk calendars. It took almost 12 months to get something clever.
I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg...making me a MERMAID!
Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink... Cheers!
My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less I told him to stop getting in the shower with me
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on.. .. the suspension is killing me.
I read that having sex every day for a year could transform your marriage. It worked so well I'm thinking of suggesting it to my wife.
The NFL's Refs
What vehicle does Hitler use to fly ? Heil-acopter
I had to ground my son for cursing. He turned the girl next door into a frog.
What did the Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay! Underlay!
a fun pastime in America is driving teenage starlets into utter madness and then enjoying a hearty laugh afterwards
Breaking Ne ws
Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it's important to start out really fat.
How do you starve a neurosurgeon? Hide his paycheck with his kids.
A video montage of all the times my foot, still wet from the shower, has clung to my underwear as I pull them on, and I've lost my balance.
I make out with guys that wear Abercrombie & Fitch cologne because it rubs off on me & I love how it smells, but shopping there is SOOO gay.
Yo mama so fat, the sorting hat put her in all four houses.
What's the best thing about having sex with 29 year olds? There's 20 of them...
Some people are very down to earth... You know, midgets.
Paddy and Murphy walk into a bar... Hand in hand
I broke my finger today but on the other hand I am completely fine
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? *shrug* elephino.
*someone hands me a baby* Oh... no thank you *places baby on the ground*
How to tell if you're girlfriend is TOO fat. When she sits on your face and you can't hear your stereo any more.
What do you get when you travel a long way with a kung fun hero, and breathe heavily next to a guy named Russ? Miley Cyrus.
Watching a documentary is the leading cause of being unbearable in conversations for a week.
How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright?  Shine a torch in her ear!
I'd love to get myself a job inspecting mirrors! I could really see myself doing that.
I Can see the future, Donald Trump wins the election This post made with **Internet Explorer**
How to begin a TIFU post This wasn't today...
"Thank you for coming." "It was mandatory." #corporateshows
Women are like snow flakes. They can't drive.
What happened to the engineer who miss labeled all the floor numbers He was wrong on so many levels.
I kept trying to think of puns about the eye during my biology lesson, when we dissected one. To be honest, they kept getting cornea and cornea....
I moved to Australia, I've never been so appreciated! I've had so many offers to "Get F**ked!"... I have the pick of the litter!!
I see, it's all coming back to me now... Said the blind man as he pissed into the wind.
"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..." "He took a long look at me and gave me $300"
"I make everything sad, but I'll class your shit up." - Violins
Dear Mom and Dad, if you can read this tweet, Congratulations!!! it's time for lesson number 10.
A photon walked into a hotel. The clerk asked it it would like a hand with it's luggage... "No thank-you", said the photon, "I'm travelling light".
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I'm really drunk.
Hey gurl, are you an inaccurate answer? Because that is one-significant-figure
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing.... A woman.
Why was the OCD race car driver so fast? Because he had anal prolapse.
What did the Nazi say... What did the Nazi say when he got lost on the way to the gas chamber? AUU-SCHWIT
Read in a Forrest Gump voice. My mother always told me life is like a jar of jelly beans.Everbody hates the black ones. (I know this is a terrible joke, my friend told it to me.
Next time someone asks you how you slept, close your eyes & say "like this" & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
How does a viola greet a relative? Cello!
(from my 9 year old) What time is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty (2:30)
What's black and white and turns cartwheels? A piebald horse pulling a cart!
A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars The Judge asked "First time offender?" She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."
What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question and a joke?
Once again the award for the most stupid act ever was given to a man who glued his hands to the bars on a treadmill. That's two years running now.
Did you hear about the unnecessarily large string orchestra? It was shut down due to mass violins
I donated a large amount of money to a rape clinic.. I wouldn't take no as an answer
What career choice to hippies usually pick? Chemistry, because there is lots of acid involved.
Why was Thor so worried about his hair looking good? because he is a Norsissist.
What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls, They're under a buck!
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
It's not about the sacrifices you have to make, it's about making sure your knife is sharp and they can't wiggle away.
He asked what my favorite position was... I said CEO
What is the best way to send a letter to the  Easter Bunny? By hare (air) mail.
There was a mass shooting at the Gap store this afternoon. They're still counting the casual Tees.
After spending over 3 decades in the hard candy business, I've had enough... I've finally realized it's for suckers.
Are we still burning witches? It's the 21st century. We should be microwaving them.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a  hotdog ? A fangfurter !sna
Who decides which weeds to kill in the garden? Weedicide.
My birthday is the 26th, the day of the first Presidential Debate. I do love comedy on my birthday!
Giving birth? Passing a gallstone? Monica Seles tennis match? Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Why did the student act crazy each time he worked on math homework? He was on crystal math.
Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids That explains Captain Hook
What's the difference between a take-out dinner and a make-out session? How can you take something out you've never put in?
Where does spaghetti go to dance? The meatball.
A poet once gave a pigeon helium, and invented high coo.
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism? No more jokes about the profit.
How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicles
Someone asked me if I wanted to watch Richard the third. I Said 'I haven't the seen the first 2'
Q: What do you get when you cross a ghost and a the letter K? A: A book.
It must suck when a billionaire... Wakes up feeling like a million bucks.
My all time favorite lawyer joke. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers? A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a  spoon. Sit there and don't stir.
The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning. I take the path of least resistance.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.
Why is it called finding nemo? been wondering for years
Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs? Jason's Doner-Van
"I'M SO FUCKING WET!" She screamed... "GIVE IT TO ME!" Alas, she can scream all she wants, but I'm not giving her the umbrella.
I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
Why did my friend throw my computer out the window? So A Dell could message me and say Hello from the other side.
Why did the french guy not help his friend fix a pipe? He said he would assister.
90% of parenting is giving up the last fried cheese stick to your kid and pretending you're OK with it.
"I've never flown before said the  nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely won't  you? "All I can say ma'am" said the pilot "is that I've never left  anyone up there yet!"
I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I asked Donald Trump what he thought about my penis He said it's going to be huuuuuuge.
Why does Pakistan never get a corner during a football match? Every corner they get, they open a shop on it
My family is German. I've learned the hard way not to get drunk. The hangovers aren't the problem, but for some reason I keep waking up in Poland, and all my Jewish neighbors keep vanishing...
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
What do you call a banana you have a crush on A baenana
What did the pirate say when his kids were about to watch their favorite cartoon? ARE YE READY KIDS?!
My grandad was killed by a zulu He was having a shit in London zoo and the roof fell in.
Virgin will hate it when someone said... You don't worth a pound.
Does Kanye really think America would elect a black man from the south side of Chicago with an odd name? Give me a break...
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV ROMAN: What?! DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time? ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
97% of the women who are in "open relationships" are also "completely unaware that they are in an open relationship."
Why did the blond take a ruler to bed? To see how long she slept.
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not the sharpest elevator in the sea.
What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps could finish a race.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh! ... I'll show my way out
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don't have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Generally, the phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously... But not at a funeral.
"What kind of house does cheese like to live in?" "A cottage"
Q: What is rhubarb? A: Celery with high blood pressure.
How do you know Kurt Cobain didn't have dandruff? A bit of his head and shoulders were found behind the couch.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Given how many times they've been screwed by hurricanes, it's time to change the name of the Virgin Islands.
Heres a good joke: Women's Rights.
Hoarding's great. Collectively speaking.
Boob Size Grades A ---&gt; Almost Boobs B ---&gt; Barely there C ---&gt; Can't Complain! D ---&gt; Damn! DD ---&gt; Double damn! E ---&gt; Enormous! F ---&gt; Fake G ---&gt; Get a reduction!
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
Google just called, they want to put a camera on your mom... ... they heard she makes it around the block faster than their street view cars.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day Teach him to fish and you get rid of him during weekends.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR... CLAUSTROPHOBIC MAN (runs into a phone booth) (runs out, crying) no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n-
Where is Victoria working now? In the kitchen.
Why don't they call the Batman film "The White Knight" instead of "The Dark Knight"? Because no one would care that he died.
Is William Shatner the past version of William Shitner?
Why did the condom hit the wall? Because it was pissed off
What do you do if a 4 year old girl catches you masturbating? Untie her
Last night I was laying in bed, looking at the stars... And then I wondered, Where the fuck did my roof go?
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don't know why she got pissed when she found my "prospects" list.
What do you tell a conductor when they lose control of their orchestra? Go Bach and get a Handel on it!
What's the difference between a Muslim woman and an American one? An American woman gets stoned *before* she commits adultery.
Our Sins So what if the whole Hilary/Trump presidential race is a result of of that last guy who didn't forward that chain mail causing the end of the world...
Did you hear about the discounts at Darth Maul? I heard they're going to cut the sales by half
why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
Why can't you fool an abortion? It wasn't born yesterday.
3 women went to a bar... And they wanted to know how lose they are.. * The first one slid in a hotdog * The second slid in a cucumber * And the third one went down the bar stool
Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer? 'Cause the grass tickles their balls when they run
Condom Why did the condom fly across the room? Because he was pissed off
What did constipated Yoda say to his fecal impaction? "I shit you not."
How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull? Marry her !
Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal  village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
Did you hear about the gay turtle? Finally came out of it's shell.
I used to hate my job moving air around... But now I'm a big fan.
I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.
Hope you guys like this, it's been a tough day. I bought a pair of sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. :(
I'm starting a new Egyptian fraternity, would you like to join? It's called Delta Delta Delta.
Whats the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same.
Describe yourself in three words. Lazy.
What do a plum and an elephant have in common? They're both purple except the elephant.
Did you hear about the new low fat religion? "I Can't Believe Its Not Buddha"
I told my date I'd treat her like a deity. At the end she'd get nailed.
How does a WWE wrestler like his eggs? Raw
How did "Hans Solo" not catch on as an euphemism for masturbation?
"I'm not drunk, I'm a zombie..." ~Me passing out candy on Halloween
What did the racist ghost say? Wight Power!
How did the blind man know Santa was in his house? He felt his presents.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
A tachyon leaves a bar... The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.
Sister won't let me eat her out I'm bringing this bullshit up to Father Tim at Sunday Mass.
What do you call it when frankenstein's monster's wife gets her period? Her monstrual cycle
How does Megatron get away with raw-dogging it? Decepticondoms.
First Spaceman: I'm hungry. Second Spaceman: So am I it must be launch time !
What state makes exclusively swiss cheese? Swisconsin.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
A man was killed by ducks last week I guess you can say that's a pretty *fowl way to die*
Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a tiger wood.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
An attractive Girl sits on a guys lap After a few second the girl asks "You don't have a boner? How do you do it?" The man replies "Its harder than you think."
Who cares if you pee in the shower? The bride and all her guests, apparently.
"These orthodontic shoes are really great!" - don't you mean *orthopedic*? "I stand corrected."
Waking up alone with morning wood is one of the hardest things in life. [NSFW]
I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers... B9
Nicknames How do you get bob from "robert" ? -no answer How do you get billy from "william"? -no answer how do you get dick from "richard"? -ask nicely
You always have to be extra careful when driving through a predominantly black neighborhood at night. Because black people are super hard to see in the dark.
When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted. Now the police call that Identity theft.
I'm beginning to think rappers exaggerate a Lil.
What's the difference between a snow-man and a snow-woman? Snowballs.
Knock, knock Who's there? Cecile. Cecile who? Cecile the d-door! There's a m-monster outs-s-side!
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life? Me: Define "someone" Mom: You know, a boyfriend. Me: Define "boyfriend"
What goes clop, clop, bang bang bangbangbang!clop,clop,clop? An amish driveby
That's a nice ham you got there... It'd be a shame if you put an 's' in front and an 'e' at the end of it.
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after three periods.
Sex jokes Are Not Funny Come on guys.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn't help
First post: unconditional love test Lock your wife/husband in the trunk of your car for an hour, then your dog. Guess who's still happy to see you...
There's this guy at work who loves shoving baguettes up his butt. What a pain in the ass.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[me giving tour of city landmarks] and on your left you'll see a corgi in a bandanahe's not part of the tour but let's go get a closer look
There are 2 types of people in the world Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I bet when Johnny Depp dies his only regret will be he didn't do enough Tim Burton films.
Why is six such a nervous number? **sinko says** it's because of some cannibalism story going around.
How many stoners does it take to, ah... unhhhh..........
Where does light go when it is convicted of a crime? Prism
What do you call it when someone makes a slam-dunk wearing shiny handcuffs? Boom-shackle-lacquer!
Alzheimer's cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Why was the Scandinavian atheist warm? He had Thor doubt.
How did the elephant get into the room? We don't talk about it...
Confucius say lucky girl is girl who meet boy in park and lucky boy is boy who park meat in girl
What's the most privileged fish? A Great White shark.
What do you call the Japanese police force? Kawaii Five-0
Guy tells a psychiatrist he has a fear of commitment. Psychiatrist says, "There's no need to worry. I only do that in extreme cases."
When life hands you melons, make sure you squeeze them fast before you get slapped.
"Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined." - Moron who clearly hasn't pictured a Crocoshark.
The NFL sent a memo reminding players to treat women reporters with respect. Oh, and to try real hard not to rape anyone this season.
What do you call it when a DJ doesn't wear a period appropriate costume? Era Error
Two muffins are baking one says to the other "Hey man you got a light?"
What do you say to a two headed monster? Hello hello.
My dad was a good man, he raised five boys.... Without the rest of us knowing
I'm a kleptomaniac It's ok though, I'm taking something for it
Mother: I raised you both as a mother and a father. Son: Go fuck your self.
My grandfather came back from the war... ...with a single arm. To this day, we still have no idea whose it is
When is a door NOT a door? When it's ajar.
Person on this home improvement show said everybody needs "a good screwing surface." Can't argue with that logic.
[Jaws 5] Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark? Spielberg: ACTION!!
Whats the hardest part about slaughtering a pig? He keeps saying "I have a wife and kids, please don't kill me, I'm just doing my job"
New Show Magic Show Idea I'm going to start a magic show at a funeral home and call it Abra Cadavera Hour
yo mamma so fat she sat on her ipod and made it an ipad
There have been many time in 2010, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, bugged you... today I just wanna tell you... I plan to continue in 2011!
A man walks into a bar... Then he said ouch.
My biologist girlfriend was making competent cells at the lab today... I asked if they were very sure of them cells.
If a server comes to my table and asks 'hows everythin tasting?' mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Q: Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school? A: Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.
Two dogs are standing beside a road... The first one goes, "woof", the second says, "knock it off! That's all you said yesterday."
(really fucked up joke) How do you say happiness in German? Auschwitz
John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.
What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck? A woman will always blow your paycheck
How did the farmhand get a job at reddit? He put "excellent reposter" on his resume.
My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
Staring deeply into the abyss. Paralyzed by fear. Unable to move, let alone function. In short, yes, Pandora. I'm still listening.
I've never been booed off stage. I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage. In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.
Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Oh. So it's you then.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch. I was naked. She was afraid. I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.
Breakfast Bacon, Eggs, and Toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
What do you call a traitor with a lisp? Judith
Similes are like as holes.
Why did the vulture have to check some luggage at the gate? It was only allowed one piece of carrion.
What kind of hair do oceans have?  ...Wavy hair.
What is the Puerto Rican national anthem? Row row row your boat
Tom has no legs Who's that running? Not Tom
Drunk dude told me this at a party "Hey Katy, do you know what your Canadian name is?" "Katy A." (Katy, eh) Maybe you would've had to have been there...
"I can try" is a great response to invitations because you're not even committing to trying.
A butcher married a baker and had a kid who grew up to be what? Fat.
A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?" The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "
Anal intercourse is for assholes.
Art is when u fart without F.
We should re-fi, so we can get some hi-fi and watch sci-fi on the wi-fi.
It's called karma, and it's pronounced "haha! Screw you!"
slight variation on an arguable classic: How do mermaids reproduce? Binary fish-ion.
My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients... ...but she saw something in me.
Sorry I reported your newborn's pic on FB but nudity is nudity
Where does a snowman keep his money? In the snowbank. I'll see myself out..
My computer's RAM isn't that great... ...but it still has faster processing than the DMV.
I'm working on a gangsa Christmas song My working title is "Santa and His Three Hos"
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up her ass
A dog walks into a bar.. "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"
Where is the best place to stream a suicide ? On Google HANGout.
Another blonde joke A blonde tells her husband 'I've been thinking' He replies 'Take two aspirin, the pain will clear right up'.
What did the recent Sunni convert says about ISIS? They really scared the Shiite outa me!
What do call a horse that lives near you? A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses)
My friends are named after what they do... My friend Butch is a butcher, my friend Taylor is a tailor, and my black friend's name is Rob
New twist on an old joke (long) Don't know if this is the right place for this but I think fellow joke-lovers will think it's amazing. http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar
How do priests make holy water? They bless the hell out of it.
Dora, with all the questions she poses to her audience, is breeding a generation that will scream loudly at the characters in scary movies.
What do you call a Mexican baptism? Bean dip. No offense intended(to get the racial shit stated before I get hit with it)
Want to hear a joke? Just talk out loud.
Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his  goldfish's brain in the body of his dog? I don't know but it is great at chasing submarines.
Why did the airplane fall out of the sky? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread
Nothing enrages me more than a pop-up ad that MOVES SO YOU CAN'T CLICK THE X.
Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage? She's afraid they'll bring down the house.
A black guy and a mexican are in a car, who's driving? The police
How many dicks do you have to suck before you know you're gay? Three, two for fun and one just to make sure.
Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won't last long. Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
"Whose funeral was this photo taken at?" John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? "What kind of answer did you have in mind?" Two one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done  within the given budget.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary *Bloody Mary appears* ME: I'm moving today and need your help BLOODY MARY: Shit
Why are there so many body shops in heaven? Abortion.
Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it's still running through the forrest
What do you call a Chinese man with one foot? Taiwon Shou.
Politicians only kiss babies because it might be theirs.
I don't really know how to tell jokes
What's the difference between a muffin and a jew? a muffin doesn't scream when you put it in an oven.
Therapist: What's the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven't left your couch since 2011.
Why can't I trust my Walmart calculator? It's always 7% off.
Wife asks his husband how many women he had slept with... Husband proudly replies, "Only you darling!" "With the others I was awake..."
How do lesbians keep things interesting in the bedroom? They think outside the box.
What do you call a flying turtle? A shellicopter.
What do Buddhist monks have for breakfast? 'Ommm' lettes!
Ever have one of those days where you just don't feel like being at work? I've been having one of those days for two fucking years now.
Why don't lobsters like to share? Because they're "shellfish"
I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.
Why do people at Disneyland hate coke heads? They're always cutting lines
I've had about 13 beers so I guess I'll give myself a haircut
Always remember that the key to a happy marriage is to use those three magic words. You're right dear.
Hey balloon animal guys, there are other dog breeds besides "dachshund" and other jobs besides "balloon animal guy"
It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle. She tried putting batteries in it.
Harry Potter Yo Mama jokes... Yo Mama's so fat.. ...when she orders butter beer she says "hold the beer."
I started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction We're trying to get our membership up
Why did the computer overheat? Because windows wasn't open.
Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face? - A: Because it's the scenter.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar... It was tense.
How Many Martians Does It Take to Screw In a Lightbulb? At least two, but they have to be pretty small to fit.
It's like my Grandpa used to say ,"The fight with grandma isn't over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth."
What did the black guy get on his SATs? Barbecue Sauce
pizza has 5 letters if u double that u get 10 if u divide that by 2 u get 5 & if u do some more math u get 666 coincidence i think not
How to lose weight: 1. Name your kid Weight 2. Take it to the mall
Why doesnt justin bieber shop at Sports Authority? Cause he prefers Dicks.
What's it called when a transgender person hooks up with an Asian? A Trans Pacific Partnership
Why did the cloud get $10M for having a fight? He was the raining champion.
How "thoughts of suicide" became an acceptable drug side effect: "How do you feel?" "I kind of want to kill myself." "Ok."
What do you call a vaping vegan? A steamed vegetable
My mute grandfather always said:
If you were against pencils you would be ... Erasist
I was trying to make a joke about coat hanger abortion with my mom I was just having a poke at it.
What do black people and Batman have in common? Neither one of them get r/dadjokes
Did you hear about the Nirvana tribute act? They played some original songs yesterday. One was called 'Smells Like Kurt's Spirit'.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up. "My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather," she said.
What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]
My girlfriend asked me if I felt like aural. I think that's where it goes in one ear and out the other.
Mountains... They peaked years ago
What do humans and sharks have in common? The great ones are always white.
Needed some help with romance, so I took the book "How to Hug" out of the library. Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
How did I get out of Iraq? I ran
What do you call a far-ranging debate? A mass-debate.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1  millionth.
How do magicians retire? They seem to just disappear.
"Yeah let's clone some sheep cause dinosaurs would be too awesome." - Scientists.
I'll never reveal my secrets. Alcohol: Lol.
Rain drop drop top.... 1k upvotes and i'll sub to /r/clopclop
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph not essay
2 pedophiles are chilling on the beach, one says to the other... Hey can you get out of my son
Why don't blind people skydive more often? It scares the shit outta their dog! - - - -  **Now how do the blind people know they're about to hit the ground ?** The leash gets slack.
I have a particular disease for which I deny the existence of some 80s bands There is no cure
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
What do a plumber and a walrus have in common? They both like a good, tight seal.
Why does Woody Harrelson's wife call him Moses? Because he Ramparts the red sea each month
What do you call two Egyptians who've farted at the same time? Tutankhamun.
How did Brandon Lee's wife get pregnant? The prop guy said he was shooting blanks!
A crazy looking girl threatened to punch me because I kept playing Taylor Swift on the Jukebox. I knew she was Trouble when she walked in.
This steak is so black. . . It stole my car
Atheism... is a non-prophet organization.
what do you call it if you spend all of your money on pokeballs and lure modules on Pokemon go? Brokemon (shit jokemon)
If we eliminated, "Is your car running ok?" from our conversations, my dad and I would never speak.
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
What body of water separates Italy from the word 'goodbye'? River Derci. Sorry.
What do you give a deer with an upset  stomach? Elkaseltzer.
My grandad has the heart of a lion... ...and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo
Why do they call him shitman? His name is steven hitman
My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.
a short fortune teller escaped from prison she's now a small medium at large
What kind of dish does LeBron like? anything with curry in it.
This grocery store is playing "Freebird" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
"How did your grammar competition go?" I losed
What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.
Wanna hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked "DO NOT EAT". I assume all new shoes come with snacks.
Did you guys hear about the gay truckers? They traded loads
Now boarding... Two vultures board an airplane each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Why do men want to marry a virgin? To avoid criticism and comparison.
What did the band director say to the misbehaving kid? You're in treble mister!
Throwing acid is wrong In some people's eyes...
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I was lost in the desert, out in the distance I thought I saw Nicki Minaj, when I ran up to her... She ended up being a Nicki Mirage
What did the charlie hebdo attackers said after being caught ? "Hey , they drew first"
Racist, Sexist, Nasty, and/or Terrible jokes that makes us questions your morals. I'll start! Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: *None, feminists can't change anything*!
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
DO NOT talk about molestation It's a touchy subject
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger YI: Me:*chewing I'm a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
The life of a dog living on the street is... ...RUFF, RUFF-RUFF, RUFF!
[interviewing for job as assassin] Me: I only have 1 rule Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids Me: huh? No, I just won't work weekends
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
How do redneck Na'vi get their skin tone? Blue Genes... I'll be here all week
A horse walks into a bar. .. A horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" Sarah Jessica Parker responds, "I'm a person you know? I have feelings!"
What did Caesar say when playing battleship? A2 Brute.
Woody Allen's version of his life will be his most brilliant fiction.
Why was the hipster so successful in the stock market? He invested before it was cool.
What do clocks do when they're still hungry after a meal? They go back four seconds.
Did you guys hear about that actress who stabbed her waiter with her fork? Im trying to remember her name. Its Reese something. Help me out here....
people who back up into parking spots are worse than serial killers
What did the deaf Canadian say to the American that was talking? Eh?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Turquoise is the best colour. It's been cyantifically proven.
What do you call intercourse on a one-wheeled vehicle? Unisex.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Telling a woman she's being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: You're supposed to be taking a nap 4-year-old: I am Me: Then why are you standing here? 4-year-old: Me: 4-year-old: This is a dream
Guy: Police, yeah there's this black kid harassing a homeless person. Police: You had me at black
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom
Redneck sext message: You cant handle the tooth!
Currently working on an app for lonely people called "Words With Cats".
With the decline of newspapers worldwide, staff in-house have been referring to the obituaries as the Subscriber Countdown
The other day, my friend told me I didn't know what "irony" meant... Which was ironic, because I didn't.
What does KFC and a woman have in common? Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs there's still a  greasy box to put your bone in.
Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok.
Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Credit: Philip J. Fry
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? You didn't hear? It made headlines!
I wanted to start a business selling soap art, but soapart.com was already taken by a support group for divorcees.
A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the "mid air" beach picture :(
Have you heard my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy
Do you guys like presents? Here I am!
What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked Beans
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven't pooped it out yet, I'm really scared you guys.
If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you.
Me: pew pew...pew pew pew Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world's economic issues single handedly at this ATM.
Where does a vampire go to buy his sheets and towels? Bloodbath&amp;Beyond
whats Hitlers relationship status... He's Nazing anybody
After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c**t.
I've been married a long time, but I bet first dates are still the same. Lots of awkward arguments about Reaganomics.
If you have a horse and you didn't name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can't be friends.
Why is diabetes like a fumble recovery? Because you didn't know they had it.
Jesus is a deadbeat dad Said he'd be coming back soon 2000 years ago and we're still waiting.
Past, present and future walk into a bar... It was tense
I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.
Why did the baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken...
Why doesn't Reno Jackson like torrenting? Because he's always fighting pirates XD
"I didn't choose the thug life." I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, But the very next day, I had heart failure.
A love letter from biscuit maker: Dear marie, today is good day, u r anmol for me... but u have crack jacked my heart, bcoz i have a little heart, now i m in 50/50 position...
The only time a Girl asked me for a coffee was when she mistook me for a Waiter.
How does a SQL expert get a date? getDate() ^(I really hope this doesn't do well, so cheap, so stupid, just had to write it when I thought of it)
A friend of mine asked me how he could become a more effective boss... I said, just change your name to Simon.
What did the dog say when he bit the sandpaper? Nothing. He just grit his teeth.
Bought some gary speed wallpaper last night, its amazing! it hung itself!
What do you call people who immigrate to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners
Dad: Why do you smell like weed? Me: How do you know what weed smells like?! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy :(
Greek mythology is my Achilles ankle.
Countries.. We used to have empires ruled by emperors. We used to have kingdoms ruled by kings. Now we have countries.
I won't say she's a cunt, but she has a certain je ne sais twat.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
What did one priest say to the other priest? "Do you know where my son is?" "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm a necrophiliac."
Did you hear about the woman who drowned in semen? She had it coming.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child. Really puts the "nap" in "kidnap".
Bacon twice a day keeps a size 34 waist away.
How I know I am not a Racist... Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Intellectually challenged people who have sex with each other are fucking idiots.
What is Mister Miyagi's favorite drink? Jack Daniels-san
If you ever feel scared that someones watching you... Don't worry, i'm right under your bed if you need someone to talk to.
What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating? His ears. Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox" Good times!
Mr Clause caught Mrs Clause cheating on him. What a ho ho ho.
'Mum, can I lick the bowl? ' the child asks "No!" Replied the mother, "just flush like everyone else"
What is an electrician's favorite vehicle? A Voltswagen
Beer: When are you coming home. Me: Right away honey. See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
What's the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut? About two weeks.
My friend called me a pedophile today. I corrected him, told him I'm actually a hebephile. He said, "you're just splitting hairs" I said, "now you see the difference".
We Found Love in a Swollen Face  Chris Brown ft. Rihanna
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? because they are ugly and they smell bad
Why did God kick Joe Paterno out of Heaven? ....because he picked Michael Jackson as his new assistant coach.
If billionaires were allowed to influence the results on American Idol instead of American elections, there would be rioting in the streets.
ME: "Whoa. Put a combo on that meat locker." HIM: "Huh?" ME: "Your fly is down, idiot."
I like Gila monsters because they're willing to admit they're monsters, unlike giraffes
Who is missing an egg? there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.
Why was the wall in a store? Because it's wal-mart.
Which hotel chain was Nikita Khrushchev's favourite? Premier Inn.
I remember a time when I didn't get nostalgic after a few drinks .. I miss those days.
I have an irrational fear of elevators I always feel like they are going to let me down someday.
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? Because he was out-standing in his field.
I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" I guess my teacher didn't think "black people" was a good answer.
What did you call beef that didn't make the cut a miSTEAK
If Hillary Clinton stripped off her pant suit, what would you see? Depends.
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? It's making Head-Lines!
People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald's accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.
A man walks into a bar I'm a titty
Did you hear about the computer that ate an entire hamburger in one go? It was a megabyte.
Does anyone else have a girlfriend great enough to tell them that they have herpes? Well, me neither
"I saved this for thirty years so I could give it to you and you could throw it out." - Moms
I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.
There once was a man, who on reddit Made a point but someone had just said it. So lets all raise a toast, To the amazing shitpost Where without them then we would forget it!
Because of the efforts of my great grandfather, we don't speak German in this country. That's because he single-handedly killed 11 language teachers.
Helen Keller walks into a bar... ... and then a table... and then a chair.
I need to get one of those gadgets for my camera so I can take pictures of myself. I think it's called a narciss-stick.
Two moles are going down a tunnel. The one behind says: I think I smell molasses.
Remember in 90's movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That's what happens when I walk in a buffet.
3 DBAs walk into a NoSQL bar.. And they left because there were no "tables"..
What is the definition of Robin ? A bird who steals !
Why is Arrested Development funny? Because the farce is strong with that one.
Scientists have found... ...That people don't give a damn about apathy.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I'd like to come home
My boss fired me because I didn't attend the meeting as I had to answer an important call. Apparently nature's call doesn't count as important to him
Have you seen the new movie, "Constipation"? It may not have come out yet.
What does a man with an eight inch cock have for breakfast? This morning I had a boiled egg. From BBC show First Dates.
What is the difference between a duck? One of the legs is both the same.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can't get pregnant.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn't tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how'd you know I teach fat kids?!
What's the difference between /r/news and radical extremists? Radical extremists fuck goats while /r/news fucks themselves.
what's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Santa is near .... ... I can sense his presents.
[NSFW] Why do hipsters like anal sex? Because it's indie ass!
What did the worm that crawled out of a plate of spaghetti say? "Worst gangbang ever"
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, "Jack off mate, you won't bring it back!".
Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?
Why was the 40 degree angle so nice to the 50 degree angle? Because its very complementary!
Q. Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was  Arrested? R. Charged With Battery!
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.
Your Mama is so fat... that while on her period she sat in the nile and Pharaoh called her "Moses!"
TIL why my adopted daughter keeps screaming "Reddit Gold" Apparently there's this really popular movie with a hit song that kids just love.
There's nothing like being 4 or 5 deers beep.
Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever
Why do hamburgers make good baseball players? They're great at the plate!
You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."
Me: *breathes" My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.
when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.
I like my women like i like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
From now on, when you see the word "minimum", good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Life has never given me lemons It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. If engineered correctly.
A man starts having a heart attack mid flight... Person: Is anyone here a doctor? Vegan: I'm a vegan
You know what amazes me? A maze.
I'd just like to thank the sidewalk For keeping me off the streets
Donald trump The last American president was black, polls suggest that the next president will be Donald trump..... Huh. I guess orange is the new black
I'm sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My friend told me a joke about alarms I thought it was a snooze.
What can a duck do that a lawyer can't? Shove its bill up its ass.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.
Is anyone on Twitter named Sarah Connor? If so, where do you live? Nothing to worry about, just a simple survey for my neural net processor.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson? it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in.
Relationship between men and women is psychological. She is psycho and he is logical.
The 2 Golden Rules of Religion 1) Be kind to other people. 2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!
French bakers hate me... ...I feel their pain.
Forgive me for this one A German soldier who loves animals can't decide what to do after WWII. His friend says, Otto, it's easy to figure out. You're a Veteran Aryan.
Being politically correct sucks. I can't even say "black paint" anymore. Now I have to say, "hey Jamal would you please go paint that fence over there?"
I am not sure NSFW should apply here, because I am not convinced any one on twitter actually fucking works.
I love the study of languages, and am very keen in my analysis: I am a cunning linguist ;)
Fruit: often disappointing. Salad: always disappointing. Fruit salad: meets expectations.
An even cornier joke One stalk of corn said to the other stalk of corn, "Hey, can I tell you something?" The other stalk of corn said, "I'm all ears."
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? *The ultrasound guy.* Who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy's off? *The hip replacement guy.*
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
How many pretty girls are there at a monastery? Nun.
To be a good dentist... ...you must think laterally and incisively.
Knock knock. Come in.
Can you tease, please and never squeeze Argentina? Yes, but you Gotze try a little tenderness.
The apocalypse is apparently signaled by trumpets... ...might have been a typo though, it could have been Trump/Pence
What's the only type of music that the balloon dislikes? Pop.
My lesbian neighbor got me a Rolex this year for my birthday... I think she misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
Where do poor meatballs live? The spaghetto.
I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un. I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.
Honestly, guys, I think I've made the perfect woman this time. She's made totally out of waffles. And her clitoris is on her forehead.
What's the most confusing compliment to give a woman in her 40's? If you had a daughter, I'd fuck her.
if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them
A slut's prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I'll have to  f*ck his best friend too.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away  from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a rubber band Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
Just flipped my son off behind his back because I'm an adult and don't get into arguments with 4 year olds.
What's the most commonly misspelt blood group? Type-O
I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert... ...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas
Why did the Boeing 747 crash into an orphanage? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread!
Astronaut Scott Kelly recently came back from the International Space Station and did an interview. Wow, he's such an amazing person, he's really down to earth.
What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was *actually* Jesus? "This is my body, I'm nice with jam."
When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don't even look like sister and brother.
The kids of today have no respect. They're rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us...
What are caterpillars afraid of? Doggerpillars.
What do you call a pun in a marathon? A running joke
What I hate about pasta is how they change the shape and act like it's a different food. I'm out to expose the fraud.
I've always wondered why china have such a high population. Today I found out, their Condoms are made in China!
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out. Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I can't stand Italians and their slanty eyes... ...no, wait, *italics*.
I don't drink Kool-Aid because I am worried about excessive property damage.
"How many fingers do I have up?" - a gynecologist who thinks he's really funny
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don't want to look at you.
Simba was moving so slow until I told him to Mufasa
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes? Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty. Server: Huh? Me: No boys. Server: Huh? Me: No thanks.
A 'short' Joke About Midgets Why do midgets laugh while running? Because the grass tickles their balls.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? Some asshole has my pen!
HR says I'm not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(
[playing limbo at Gary's house] GARY: how low can you go? *i sleep with Gary's wife* GARY: wow, that is pretty low
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box She sat on Pinocchio's nose and said "Lie to me bitch!"
How long does it take to cook a baby in the microwave? No clue. Too busy masturbating.
I heard there's a new movie coming out where an illegal immigrant turns vigilante and battles a child molester... They're calling it Alien vs Predator.
How does a space class start a party? They planet!
Your mother is so ugly, that if she were the only girl in Texas... ...the Lone Ranger would be lonely for a loooooooooooooooong time
Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don't own a car but couldn't pass up the bargain.
I visited the new aviary everyone's talking about but I think it's for the birds.
My roomate was bragging about getting top comment of the week on theCHIVE. Yeah, I reddit.
How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute? Go to England and buy something
A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The horse replies "My alcoholism is tearing my family apart"
I like to go up to people I haven't seen in ten years and say, "Was THIS your card?!"
What sort of soup do men make most often after sex? Split pee soup. (I made it up. I'm sorry.)
"Old Macdonald had a farm. Had." -banks
"Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?" - The Honest Applebees Server
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I'm the racecar, sometimes I'm the iron. But usually I'm a peanut because I've lost all the game pieces.
So I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should've put it on Aloha temperature.
What's a Grecian Urn? About 75 cents an hour.
I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
Why did the psychic get fired? Because she didn't see it coming.
My library charges me a dollar for every book I check out. It's a paper-view.
My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep "I know" was probably not the right answer
How many Polish people does it take to be pallbearers at a funeral? Seven. Six to carry the casket and one to drag the body
*Gets called into HR Me: What was I accused of now? HR: I haven't had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep
sexy night My wife started to do a striptease just for me. She asked me what should go out first. The light.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady's room. Thanks a lot, "Top Gun".
Did you hear about the hearse that got into a head on collision? Luckily only one person was found dead at the scene
when I was 11 my dad saw me using deodorant, laughed, and said "that's not how you do it." I never asked him the right way & it haunts me
My father has the heart of a lion... And also a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why is it impossible to play UNO with Mexicans? Because they keep stealing all the green cards.
Bill murray banged my mom and everyone chalked it up as yet another fun silly thing bill murray did but he destroyed my family
"That was mesmerizing!" I know another big word... huge.
According to my bank account, I'm Rich! Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
What do you call Nazis undergoing decomposition? Necrotizing Fascists.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it's half empty? Me: cause you're a pessimist!
What is Dracula's pornstar name? Vlad the Impaler
What did one transition metal say to the other? Cu later!
Got into a fight with an Egyptian. We were fez to fez.
I told my blond friend, that they have higher risk of cancer. The next day she colored her hair black. courtesy: Choke by Chuck palahniuk
Canada has done well in removing the patriarchal effect on its society. Even their economy reflects it - now, _every_ worker gets 77 cents for every dollar earned.
How is today Monday? It was Friday only a few hours ago...
2016 is almost coming to an end Surprise MFs. I have a leap second added to me.
Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year The first Apple product that doesn't suck (not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)
Why didn't the sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees.
Bert asks Ernie, "Ernie do you want to get ice cream?" Ernie responds "Sure Bert"
Where does a one legged waitress work at? IHOP
What fruit makes you confused? Papayas See, you're confused right?
Truth about atheists. They've got nothing on Jesus.
What's a ghost's favorite sexual act? A boooooooooooobjob
I'm sick of pretending. I'm ready to tend!
I was fired from the M&amp;Ms factory because I threw out all the W's
What do you call a Mexican Super Saiyan? Fajita
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Did you hear about the plane that crashed on the way to the ginger convention? Thankfully there were no souls on board.
A man walks into a bar Ouch
With great power come great.. power bills. *- Uncle Ben, electrician.*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I'd left open. Well played.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Did you download the new Jewber app? It doesn't allow you to tip
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, It is
As a guy, wearing Crocs is a lot like getting a blowjob from another man... It feels great until you look down and realize you're a homo.
I don't condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.
Remember girls, you can't say happiness... without saying penis
If at first you don't succeed, try drinking beer while you do it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.
What do an 80 year old smoker and the Japanese House of Representatives have in common? They only have an erection every 4 years
Dial-up internet called. They couldnt get through.
I was cleaning one of my garden statues and accidentally cracked part of its face I guess you could say I don't gnome eye own strength
What do dwarves and midgets have in common? Very little
I've been seeing a lot of these lately, so here is mine. I like my steak like I like my women. White and domineering.
Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Why can't an IT guy be a doctor? Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
I like my women like I like my coffee. Quiet and in a cup.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
On a scale of 1 to 100, how mature do you think you are? 69
My neighbor is a micro biologist. I've never seen him.
Coworker: What's your phone number? *looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker....
If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey eats my roosters feet, what do I get? Two feet of cock up your ass.
When a pregnant woman swims she is literally a human submarine.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My neighbor's facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Never hide regular cocaine in your butt Charges will get elevated to possession of crack cocaine
How do you Think the Unthinkable? With an Itheburg.
Why do french doctors always book followup appointments? Because they have a knack for retreat-ing
I know a teen girl who can only think of numbers that follow the pattern 1+2x where x is a real whole number She can't even...
Adopt a Highway "When do you think it is a safe age to tell a highway it's been adopted?"
What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver? He said "Hey Hey Hugh Hugh Get Off Of McCould"
I am trying to find my selfie image in iPhone 7 Until I remember I took that one with John Cena.
That shitty moment when you finally get comfy in bed then realize the lights are on.
Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.
So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.
The toughest decision I will make today is wine or beer... Life is rough..
What do you call a frog spy ? A croak and dagger agent !
Let's make a story together. Comment two words and keep the story going from the previous comments. Anything is allowed if it makes sense.... I'll start. One day...
LPT: If you want to pick up wet girls go around driving while its raining and offer if they need a ride
Why did the macaroni cross the street with a bible? Because it's a pastor ;)
If you ever want to catch a white person, just set a table outside a restaurant in the summertime.
Prostitution is the only industry where freshers are paid more than the experienced ones.
Martinis are like titties... ...one isn't enough, and three are too many.
QUESTION: What is honeymoon? ANSWER: That brief span of time between "I do" and "You'd better!"
If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let me call people.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar and change the lightbulb.
I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.
Don't hate the player, play the player. They never see that coming.
I wanted to make an impromptu joke. But I wasn't ready.
[at bar] Him: Why's a pretty girl like you sitting all alone? Me: I peed my pants.
To commemorate the day. Knock Knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You were supposed to never forget.
I popped into the library this morning and asked if there was any books on Facebook status jokes? The librarian said, "They've all been stolen." "That's the one." I replied.
Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you're hot.
Harry Potter wouldn't leave me alone. I told him to Quidditch. I'll see myself out.
Why don't Boxers have sex before a fight? They don't like eachother
A Vulture Boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons.The stewardess say,"I'm sorry but we only allow each passenger one carrrion." joker
Don't expect a "bless you" after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I wonder what gets changed less frequently...the diaper of a crackhead's baby or the filter cartridge in my Brita.
What's a pedophiles favorite type of oil? extra virgin
How many Android users does it take to buy an iPhone? Zero. Apple doesn't accept EBT.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Son, Do U Also Treat Piles. A Couple In Train Girl- My Hand Is Paining, Boy Kisses The Hand, Girl- My Neck Is Paining, Boy Kisses The Neck, An Old Man Asks Boy, Son, Do U Also Treat Piles.
I'm NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Whisper "whey protein" into a mirror three times if you want a straight white man to come out of it and talk at you
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled milk.
How do vampires like their tea? With a old tampon in it.
Did you blow bubbles as a kid? He's out and is looking for you!
When you get a 3D printer, don't mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Five years ago I asked the most beautiful girl in the world out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I Enjoyed Your Joke, soue13, I've Also Come Up With One. At Age 25.. Did you guys hear about the dried grape at the party last night? He was really RAISIN the roof!
Necrophillia The insatiable urge to crack open a cold one
Why does nobody laugh at zombie-Peter Pan's jokes? He always tells them with a dead Pan face.
Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra
A boy went into the local department  store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried on this escalator.' The boy then spent the next tow hours looking for a dog.
What do a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in common? The guy didn't pull it out fast enough!
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who's really attractive, only cause it's too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Two years ago, I've shook with famous comedian and I haven't washed my hand since. It smells funny.
Did you hear about Russia's preservation new project? The Crimea River
What do you call people who use the "pull out" method for contraception? Parents.
#rubbishjokes What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? The slowest swimmer.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She can fit into your wife's clothes.
Question: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? Answer: "Leave it to Beaver."
I'm surprised more death row inmates don't choose a machine gun, a key to the prison, and a helicopter for their last meal.
[shipwreck diary] Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.
A dance club by night and coffee house by day, called Bump and Grind.
Omg, I'm a huge fan! -Windmills
Why does Bill Cosby carry around a nutcracker everywhere he goes? So he can bust a nut without having to rape anybody.
What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive Trying to act surprised.
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? There's a great view, but no atmosphere.
*opens door* trick or treat? "It's October 14th" I'm dressed as a time traveller *scraps dinner off plate into his bag* "touche"
Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava. Once
My jokes are like straws They suck.
What's the worst gear for America? Cruz control.
Remember back in the day when you'd call someone gay and it was an insult? Now a day, everybody is just so butthurt when you do...
I hope my wife and children never learn the things that I have done for a Klondike Bar.
Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?
My son was born without eye lids My son was born with out eye lids, so when they circumcised him they used his foreskin as new eye lids. He's alright now, just a little cock-eyed
Why did Simba's dad die? Because he didn't Muv-fasta
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Rage against the machine is what I do when my candy bar gets stuck and won't drop down.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.
I'm starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist's office.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY First day of the week: brad pitt Last day of the week: homeless druggie
What do you call a horse that's thinking of home? Mentally in-stable.
Shia Labeouf always looks like he's trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.
I would like to thank President Donald Trump on behalf of my wife... suddenly the thousands I invested into Canadian dating sites wasn't so worthless after all.
The really neat thing about the internet is how it feels like everyone likes you and hates you at the same time.
One a Vietnamese game show, two brothers won 5 million dollars cash and an automatic convertible It was a Nguyen Nguyen situation.
Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 is Dec 25
- Fred, Velma, Shaggy... Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals? - Rhino - We know you do, Scooby, but it's not your team's turn
Hehe My ewife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
God I hate Mayweather it was like 90 degrees yesterday
08 What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
What are the cleverest bees ? Spelling bees !
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal. He asked me to pay in advance.
What's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls. Because they are under a buck.
Why can you trust chocolate but not marshmallow? Because chocolate doesn't make a peep.
Your Lawyer and your Wife are drowning! Quick! You must make a decision!! Should you go to the movies, or order pizza?
What do you call a lady pig planting seeds? A sow sow.
Wanna join my feminist group? We usually are outside for hours arguing over who get the hold the door open for everyone.
Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!
I can kayak Canoe?
What's a Pirates favorite letter? You would think its R, but but it's really the C!
There's no "creative" way to arrange 29 sponsor logos. Let it go, walkathon t-shirt designer.
Why did the bicycle fall down? because it was two-tired.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I used to work at a knife factory but then it got dull.
This boy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, Is that a fret?
Double standards are the worst. I mean, if a girl sleeps with lots of guys, she's considered a slut. But when a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England] man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Not joke Teacher :What is the difference man &amp; woman ? Pupil :Sir, in overtime ,overdose &amp; overhead ,man shouts and woman sobs
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This is my 56th time posting this joke.
What happened to the lizard in the  wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard I throw them.
What kind of bee can make milk? Boobies
How do you greet a British programmer named Cathryn? 'Allo-cate
I was dating a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes I've just found out she's popped her clogs...
Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?  A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.
The waitress just asked, "Still happy over here, guys?" and I'm not sure how to respond.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs. YOUR MOM!
They say we're in an economic slump, but sales of 2011 calendars have never been better!
Two fonts walked into a bar... The bartender said: "Sorry, we don't want your type in here."
Side chicks are getting leftover Halloween candy for Valentine's Day "Why'd you give me ghost shaped candy?" "Cuz you my BOO"
I always write "boing" in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.
When Russians visit Mexico What do you call it when Russians get diarrhea from drinking water in Mexico? Trotsky's Revenge
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Why did they name golf golf? Because fuck was already taken.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? to get to the same side.
Everyone says soda is bad for you... but OJ will kill you.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. ... And does the dishes. Ok this isn't working
what did Cindarella say when she got to the ball? {choking noises}
Overheard a dude say he wished there was a female version of Viagra. I guess his girlfriend has a really flaccid penis.
Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What do you call a peaceful Indian sending a picture in the mail of a snobbish criminal going down stairs? Ghandi-sending a condescending con descending Sorry.. I'm tired
What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
my girlfriend texted me saying she was going to go out shopping for an hour sent at: 2001-11-06 3:35 PM
Freeze a regular Snickers bar for the satisfying CRUNCH of all your front teeth breaking at once.
A lot of the classic "cool" behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Some of your timelines are my morning paper.
I was watching the super bowl And a hockey game broke out.
Next to a lie, a pun is the lowest form of creation.
What do men and slurpees have in common? If you don't suck them fast enough they lose their shape.
I'm going to the Kentucky men's basketball game vs Grand Canyon tonight I'm pretty worried, I hear Grand Canyon's really deep.
Meatballs have bread crumbs inside them. Meat plus bread means that a meatball is actually a sandwich.
Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live *slides the doctor a five dollar bill* Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy *winks at loved ones*
It's okay if "buoyancy" makes you happy -- whatever floats your boat.
Q: Why shouldn't you listen to people who have just come out of the swimming pool? A: Because they are all wet.
What were the odds that Matt Damon made it off Mars? Astronomical
How do you propose to a stoner? Marriage, you wanna?
A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.
"Down" "Penetration" "Tight End" "Ball handling" Don't the networks have censors any more?
I'm quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would've gone in an entirely different direction.
Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie :) Me: No it's ok, I have my own account [60 years later on deathbed] Me: Wait a minute
What is Trump's favorite animated movie? WALL-E
Me: I just want to sleep! Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE! Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.
How do you know a joke is a repost? It's on the front page
What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA Championship? He turns off his Xbox.
Here is a joke about sausage: Nevermind. It's the wurst.
Why did the console player cross the road? To get the game 6 months earlier
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks* one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Did you hear the joke about argon and krypton? It didn't get much of a reaction. ^^^^ill^just^be^on^my^way^out^now
A 72 year old benjamin button, is a pedophiles dream.
What's Harry Potter's way to get to the bottom of a hill? Running . . . JK! Rolling
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
How many NRA members does it take to stop a 6-year-old paraplegic from stealing a candy bar? Nobody knows - they usually lose count at 800 rounds.
A blind guy walks into the kitchen.... ...and picks up a cheese grater. Runs his fingers up and down the grater: "who the f*ck wrote these stupid things?"
I didn't say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent!
What do you call people who worship paper bags? Sack religious
My university was really pissed off when they found out that I had a BSc., MSc., and a PhD. They really gave me the third degree.
Have you heard the joke about the bed? No. It hasn't been made up yet!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.
GENIE: you have three wishes ME: make math go away GENIE: ha ok that one's on the house ME: oh so I still get three wishes? GENIE: huh?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I think I just had my first orgasm? I was shaking and my legs were shaking and everything. Then I just realized that wasn't a orgasm, "THAT WAS A EARTHQUAKE!" :'(
I don't trust people who say "I married my best friend" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage.
Think the person who invented dog food knew they came up with dog food? "What do you think of my new dish?" "I think dogs would love it."
this is stick *dog wags tail* this is branch. its made of sticks *tail wags faster* this is tree. it makes sticks *dog helicopters into sky*
"YOL9" -cats
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar... He orders a drink.
What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas ? A ladder in her stocking !
What do you call a singing laptop? Adele
A Clock wrote a book Critics say its about time
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You tape a loaf of bread to the ceiling
Penn &amp; Teller just announced their new cologne for men who always lie to their wives... No Bullshit....or was it Just Teller?
I heard the titanic got a new job... She sells sea shells down by the sea floor. I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.
What Did I learn in Feminist Baking class? 1 Smash the Pastryarchy 2 We live in a Crepe Culture 3 Kale Privilege is going unchecked every day!
Twitter. Where people you don't know are better friends than your real friends.
Girl, are you organized? Because I want to get on your ToDo list!
"What would you say is your biggest flaw?" "i step in in people's conversations" "i was asking *him*"
Today TO DO list: 1) vacuum huge spider in living room 2) panic 3)throw vacuum cleaner outside 4)buy new spiderless vacuum
How does Alfred call batman for dinner? Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner batman!
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I'm 28 now and I'm still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang :(
Jesus has seen me naked and that's why he made me funny.
What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ? An animal that puts you out a night !
2 Irish queers Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.
Oedipal Arrangements ...just like your mom used to make.
One morning, the CEO of an airline company asked his chief procurement officer: -- So, what's the deal with airline food?
An ex-military veterinarian who specializes in animals wounded in war... is a Vet Vet for Vet Pets
How did the alien tie his shoes? With an astroknot.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice... ...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.
What is the capital of Greece? About 10 dollars.
Why was the man selling CDs at 12:30 a.m.? Because his mixtape was to die for...
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
I like my coffee how I like my women... Without a penis.
What's the difference between a lady and a laddy? The D
What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals? A good Friday
Two Robins were lying in the sun when a cat ran up and gobbled them up.. ..It licked its lips and said 'I love basking robins'
If a blind girl says you have a big penis She's probably just pulling your leg
Don't have phone sex! You might get hearing aids.
Dog asks cat, "We sorta look similar, have four legs and are both furry, you even are a bit smaller. Why in the hell do you have so much respect but I don't?" Cat: "You 'bow' while me 'owe'."
So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong... Killed 'em both.
I'm not sure if my foots been asleep for the last 3 days or if I have diabetes.
I'm not gay I've just got an alternative sexuality.
I cannot even tell you how huge my penis is Doctors have tried their most powerful microscopes to find it, with no success so far
My mum's sister always builds up jokes and then the punch lines turn out to be shit. Auntie Climax.
How does an ethiopian open a beer? With his ribs
I'm going as "Twitter Elite" for Halloween. I'm going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.
What's a Mormon's favorite sexual position? You'd probably think it's missionary, but i'm pretty sure they'd try the back door if they had the chance.
US has serious problem with illegal immigrants. If you don't believe me ask any Native American.
What did the pencil say? Nevermind, it's pointless.
What's the difference between men and women? Agenda
Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's table? Sir Cumference.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*in court* Your honor,this case must be thrown out "On what grounds?" *points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover* *Judges head explodes*
If Bill Cosby and Gwyneth Paltrow hooked up... ...it would be an unconscious coupling.
Planned to go to Thailand for my vaca this year but after hearing about the ladyboys I thought Phuket
Did you hear about the man who was hit over the head with a bobble-head in a rice field? It's the first reported case of a knick knack paddy whack.
What weapon is most feared by knights? A can opener.
How does a sloth hang itself? By trying to jump rope.
God Gave Man a penis and a brain... But not enough blood to use both at the same time
Why do stop lights turn red? You would turn red too if you had to change in front of everybody.
Did you hear about the epileptic snake? It had a hissy fit.
I'm having car trouble. I can't afford to put gas in it.
I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard, I came in cider.
"operation" A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation? B: Yes, of course. A: Great! I never could before!
Diet diary, day 3 I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake. But the cup cakes were amazing.
"You've got this," I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Copyright In India copyright means the right to copy.
What do slutty nurses go as for Halloween?
Oscar Pistorius should be banned from the Olympics ...because he smoked Reeva
3 logicians walk into a bar the bartender says "do you all want beer?" the first logician says "I'm not sure" the second logician says "I'm not sure" the third logician says "Jul 16"
I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit Now I know it's true.
Did you hear Snow White got thrown out of Disney Land? They caught her sitting on Pinocchio's Face yelling "Lie you little fucker
How is the Battle for Hogwarts like a Black Friday sale? Weasley twins are 50% off
I can finally scratch "murdering an anonymous vagrant" off my bucket list. I didn't do it, it just doesn't seem all that appealing anymore I guess.
Half of men in America watch porn everyday. The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.
What type of wood is the most expensive? Hollywood! (Made this up while i was doing a project.)
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking "are you gonna eat that?" during the procedures.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda today I'm lucky though it was a soft drink
My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like. So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone.
My friend handed me broken scissors... I told him this isn't going to cut it.
Where does the bride of Frankenstein have her hair done? At the ugly parlour.
Did you hear Italy is joining forces with ISIS? They think the world needs more Italian ISIS
How do you make an archaeologist blush? Give them a dirty tampon and ask them what period is this from.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
It's cute how insurance companies think funny commercials and catchy jingles will make us forget how much we hate them.
I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball. It cost me a fortune.
What do you call a big fish who makes you an  offer you can't refuse ? The Codfather !
Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix? There's only one nut in the bag.
What do you call Robin Hood's mother? Mother Hood.
Last night I played Cards Against Humanity for the first time... You know what gives me uncontrollable gas? Auschwitz
[ouija board] me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E me: ....please stop
Why don't ducks blow glass? To many quacks
Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs? *tries to smoke a carrot* Yea I guess I'm feelin it
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park] See? Not nice, is it?
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. She's funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop... How cool is that for someone her age??
Owning a sword is like being a horny priest... Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law.
How many /r/ users does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to do it, one to complain that it has already been done before, and one to repost this joke.
Did you hear about the guy who burnt down the Chinese restaurant? He was charged with won ton destruction ^^*cue* ^^*groan*
In LGBTQ families... We need more transparency.
What's worse than finding a lobster on your piano? Finding crabs on your organ.
I'm more hampster than gangster according to autocorrect
I lost over 100 pounds in the last week. The casinos here in London have terrible odds.
Blonde joke... Blonde: What does IDK mean? Brunette: I don't know. Blonde: NOBODY DOES!!!
The second I feel pressured to do something, I'm out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it's bath time.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.
I just want one spam email that's like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized penis."
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I told my SO that now Movember is over they should shave their mustache. She didn't take it very well.
Me: grandma have you ever tried Five Guys? Grandma: at once?! *in case you don't know, Five Guys is a burger joint*
Sorry I'm late. My dog ate my car.
I came up with a shoe company that specializes in selling oversize shoes Which is no small feat
DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I'M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.
The Phantom Menace is easily the best Star Wars installment Jar Jar Binks is the best character.
Unscramble these words Unscramble these words ! 1) PENSI 2) HITLRE 3) NIGGRE 4) BUTTSXE DO YOU GET SPINE,LITHER,GINGER AND SUBTEXT ?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you're wondering why your screen just went blank.
My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. "It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alan ! Alan who ? Alan a good cause !
Great Insults A letter from teacher to parent:Dear parent,Kamal doesn't smel nice in class.Please try to bathe him.Parent answer:Dear teacher,Kamal is not a rose.Don't smell him.Teach him.
Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".
Two lorry's crashed into each other, one containing terrapins the other containing tortoises... It was a turtle disaster.
No internet for 11 hours. I've written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce "gif."
How do you reuse a condom? You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
"Meetings" What a Jamaican calls everything he owns.
What is the problem with high frequency? It Hertz
I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station... Ya know, for shits and gigs.
Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed
What did the surrealist butcher name his shop? Salvador Deli
You have something big inside you. Share it with the world: MetamucilTM
Which similarities do Bon Jovi and geologists share? They like rock.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Why can't you find an Abbey National at the North Pole? Because Santa dere.
What does a Redhead with a yeast infection like to do in her spare time? Make Gingerbread
What's the difference between jam and peanut butter? I can't peanut butter my dick down your mom's throat.
Did you ever watch that movie about the killer tire? It was actually a sadtire.
knock knock joke "knock knock" "who's there" "jerry" "jerry who? "jerry seinfeld"
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
My father held his temper very well.... Every time we would get mad, he would just count to 100. Then take my head out of the water.
A student asks another student, "How many zeroes does your salary have?" He responds "One" "In which currency?" "Any :("
person texting me: hey I'm outside me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My black friend called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend. But then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend, Grace.
I tried fixing my vacuum the other day on my own... now it sucks even more!
Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in three years? I don't have 2020 vision.
Why black people are so good with basketball? They can shoot and steal without being arrested.
Dear Oral-B You forget the J
Did you see the guy at Walmart hiding from ugly people?
A red and blue ship collided in the Mediterranean today. The survivors are marooned.
Don't worry, they'll tell you. How do you know OP put the punchline in the title?
What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride!
How many feminists you need to change a lamp? "That's not funny..."
What is your preferred type of birth control? "Well, its not preferred, but I practice abstinence."
I walked into an explosives shop the other day and wanted to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for my pin.
Why do female skydivers use tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down! (Ba-dum tish)
What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
What do Canadian girls hate? Aboooooooooty call.
What does a sailor use to clean his clothes? Tide
That mini heart attack you have when you're in bed half asleep and you suddenly feel like you're falling.
Why did the blind woman fall down the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.
In my opinion it's the aborted fetus' fault for not carrying a gun for protection
How do you make a 6 year old cry twice? Wipe your bloody dick off with her teddy bear.
How many livers do people have? I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.
Best goldfish joke ever told Two goldfish were in their tank. One turned to the other and said, "You man the guns; I'll drive."
Knock Knock..... Whos there?? 9x11 9x11 Who?? 9x11 paper fight... I came up with this is a fit of insanity from sleep deprivation, so just laugh at it.
This joke made me shit myself Just a bit of self-defecating humor.
Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy? It takes longer to pick up
Have you guys heard the one about the sidewalk? Its all over town!
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? America can't milk a cow for 15 years.
What's better than roses on your piano? (PG13) Tulips on your organ.
Where do hippos go to school? The Hippocampus!
How do you kill an African child? Wait 5 minutes.
Why can't the bike stand by itself? Because it was two-tired.
Quitting smoking is a lot like getting out of a relationship. It's a sad and slow realization of all of the things that you used to like to do it after.
What has 10 legs 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard
What's that Eminem song where he's mad?
Nerdy pickup line. Hey baby, Are you uranium because I'm Iodine and if it was up to me I would rearrange the periodic table around and put U and I together. ;)
What did earth say to the other planets? You guys have no life!
The sadomasochist was arrested and put in front of a judge he got off with a slap on the wrist
A redditor got a girlfriend
I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!
I'm tired of people saying I sit too much and I will not stand for it
I have to come clean... So I just whack off in the shower.
My walls are closing in. Crawling in my skin my Cell walls are closing in? HELP!
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler I woke up exhausted
My OCD brings all the boys to the yard, where they're sanitized and counted before I wash my hands of them.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn't reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Wait. If Toyotas can't stop accelerating, can't they theoretically be used for space travel?
A Polish girl got married On her wedding night, she received something long and hard from her husband. It was his last name.
if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd
Welcome to college! Here's a list of our majors. Here's a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
How many potatos does it take to kill an Irishman? None.....
From an Obit: He was always a daredevil His last words were "Watch this."
There's a one-eyed doctor round my way that gives out free body parts. He gives me the willies.
Live today like it's your last day. But pay bills and dress appropriately just in case it isn't.
My girlfriend just made a peepeeAND a poppy at the same time Should I break up with her?
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries.
Lara Rabbit: Do you think that's Sophie's natural color? Zara Rabbit: Only her hare dresser knows for sure.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So that they can get closer to the sink.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? Because he was too far out man.
Why did Jesus run off the airplane? He didn't like the Pilate
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus? ME: No COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier ME: Thanks COP: Why is it wet? ME: Um COP: And holding 8 guns?
I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
I believe, if you're in Special Ed, and you're late to class... ...it's politically incorrect to say you're tardy.
What do you throw a drowning aboriginal? His wife and kids
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from "Leader of North Korea" to "Supreme Leader of North Korea" by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Yesterday one of my patients told me about the time he sat on his testicles... It was nuts.
Which is better Pirate Bay or Pirate Bae? Pirate Bae, because it never goes down.
What is a grape without 'g'? It's still a grape, just without gravity.
Your password must be at least 8 characters long & contain a capital letter, a number, and a hideous personal secret.
How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking? He burned yews.
Why did princess Diana cross the road? She forgot to wear a seatbelt.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up? DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it W: i sold his pet hamster ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar? 1. Because he was sheet faced. 1. Because he couldn't hold his boos. EDIT: Formatting.
Why is a horny walrus the same as a Tupperware enthusiast? They're both looking for a tight seal
The REAL 5 second rule? If you can get to it before the dog, it's yours.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo. Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
What do you get when you mix a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? Someone who shows up to your door for no reason.
Batman: Life isn't a video game. Your actions have consequences *Robin writes 'I'm sorry I forgot to buy Charmin' 100 times on Batpaper*
Why did the butcher die ? Because he chopped off the wrong sausage.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? You breathe through *that*?
What do vampires put at the bottom of their  e-mails? Best viscious.
I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said 'You're a mouth breather, and I'll never respect you'
My wife was struggling to open the freezer In the end she gave up, and froze to death.
How do you eat a bald pussy? You remove her diaper first.
what do you call a homosexual plaything? a gayme
People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.
How do you know the toothbrush was made in France? Anywhere else it would've been the "teethbrush"
So I walked by a restaurant in Maine! It had a sign up " Happy hour special: Lobster tail and beer!" I said to myself. Jesus, my three favorite things!
Spilled yogurt on my shirt and now I can't stop thinking of selling shirts made of yogurt. The Yoshirt. I taste potential. And mixed berry.
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away. That just seems a little far fetched to me.
What did the slug say to the police? "I was as"salt"ed"
who's there * Knock knock * *who's there* * Dwayne * *Dwayne who?* * Dwayne the tub, I'm dwowning!
New BMWs don't have a dipstick located in the engine anymore They're now located in the driver seat
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they'll spell it.
Farmers. If Farmer A sells watermelon, and Farmer B sell apples, what does Farmer C sell? Drugs.
Bird Strike Pilots in a cockpit of A380: -Damn! Birdstrike!! -NO!! It was a Fokker 50!!
There's so much sexism in this world. Just once I'd like to see a Maury show titled "You are not the Mother".
I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary... But he couldn't afford her speaking fees
They say you should play dead if a bear attacks you. That shouldn't be that hard once he snaps your torso in half.
A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender asks: what'll you have? Ghost says: I'm here for the boos.
Why is everyone in the Soviet Union always in a hurry? Why is everyone in the Soviet Union is always in a hurry? They're all Russian.
What disease do neckbeard mosquitos give you? M'laria.
Me: you have a good head on your shoulders Neck: ok wow, i'm like right here
Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.
"Ugh, you're so obsessed with me." Boss: "I just asked why you're twenty minutes late?"
I was mugged by an artist last night.... he drew a gun on me
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts to.
I like my women the way i like my luxury cars Blacked out
What did Indira Gandhi hate worse than a bogey on a par four Sikhs
How do you make a kilogram of fat appealing? Put a nipple on it
Me: was I born with a mental disorder? Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again Me: NO Mom: ? Me: I thought pants would be different
Adolf Hitler banned 5k races but sponsored an annual marathon... ...Because Marathons are the master race.
Guy comes home and says to his wife, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" She jumps for joy and asks, "Where are we going?!?" He says, "I'm not going anywhere. You're outta here!"
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too "sassy." So I'm guessing my days are numbered.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
What do a Catholic Priest and McDonald's have in common? Both like to stick their meat in 10 year old buns.
Yes it was my birthday. I'm going to start lying about my age, but say I'm older so people say how good I look for 47.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I just saw Toy Story in 3D... The guy in 4D asked me to take off my hat.
What do you call an earl grey that likes role play? Not-tea
billy joel: we didn't start the fire detective: I haven't mentioned a fire billy joel: shit
YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!! ~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.
Donald Trump never seems to answer questions specifically. I guess the questions seem to trump him.
What's the difference between a black joke and Mexican joke? Nothing. If you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
What is the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? Hockey players shower after three periods..
What do you call a Chameleon that can't change colors? Reptile dysfunction.
A perfect breakfast my perfect breakfast: my son on a box of wheaties, my girlfriend on the cover of playboy,my wife on the back of a milk carton...
What's a stoners favorite word? Here! (Must be said like you are holding a hit in)
School is like a boner It's long and hard, unless you're Asian.
Why couldn't the bike stand by itself? because it was two tired
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that's what drinking is like.
How did the Mexicans get across the border? They went through Juan by Juan. ^Forgive ^me.
What's white on the top and black on the bottom? Society.
TIFU. She was on top.
I'm training to be a sniper in the Communist Revolutionary Forces... ... I'll be the designated Marxman!
Q: What do you call a tree from Tulsa? A: An oakie.
I never really wear camouflage. It's just something that I can never see myself wearing.
"I'd like to make a large cash deposit" teller: ok, how much do you have? "Wow can't a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?"
How many nuns can a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns? Nun.
Johnny Depp has announced that he has a mental issue He has Deppression
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus. I watched Jurassic Park tonight, stole this.
We're learning more about the sale of the L.A. Clippers. Insiders say it came down to a bidding war between Steve Ballmer and Oprah. I'll let you guess who Donald Sterling rooted for.
Did you hear the pizza guy's joke? He has excellent delivery.
What do black men do after sex.... 15 years to life!
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so damn good at it
Damn girl, are you the brownie I just dropped on the floor? because you're hairy but I still wanna eat you
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick's Day. Chipotle manager: It's St. Patrick's Day?
Two people were debating first man : Polish are inherently stupid people on earth second man: that's not true first man : prove it second man : let's ask a Sardar.
[Jesus on a blind date] Christians: "Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture"
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3 Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
"Blackhat" opens to just $4M this weekend with a $70M budget, making it the first bomb of 2015. Biggest hack in the movie? Micheal Mann
How are bisexual men and bisexual women the same? They both think girls are really great but won't admit they just need to be filled by cock.
Why don't they have Oktoberfest in Africa? Because nobody there is much of a drinker.
What has ten legs and nine arms? Def Leppard
My wife thinks I'm cheating on her with our babysitter... I think she's just bitter because she's never been able to have kids...
The day I can't do my job drunk... Is the day I hang up my school bus keys.
I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.
What is the opposite of a meme? youyou.
How do you call a person that speaks only one language? An American
What is the ultimate Jewish conflict? Pork chops at half price
Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE ERIC'S GIRLFRIEND"
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Did you guys hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
My SO always wanted a Disney wedding... But aparently selling our memories of it to a demon was out of the question.
What is the Earth's most juvenile lake? Lake Titicaca of course!
Do you think, when they were looking for that Carmen girl, that they ever checked San Diego? Just a thought.
In any kind of relationship...you learn more about someone at the end of that relationship than at the beginning......
can't wait to see how dudes figure out how to still get really mad at each other when cars are all self-driving
Santa is a dependent clause because
2% of Japanese have cataracts... The rest drive Toyota and Nissan.
When Jesus comes back, how will they discover if he's Jesus or Robot Jesus? by giving him the shroud of turing test.
"Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!" CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand ternary, those who don't, and those who think it's binary.
I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down. At least I still have the cat for comfort.
Why did Mike Dukakis lose the 1998 Presidential election? He TANKED his campaign!
What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor? [OC] A quadriplegic.
Hate it when I can't find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips. Punchline ends.
The Doctor stuck a finger in my bum... For a prostate exam. He said "All's fine." I said "Stick another finger in there, please." He asked "why?" I said "I want a second opinion."
Why don't pirates ever stop going to brothels? They can't get enough booty.
Dear 70 year old man with the ponytail: stop it.
What did Stephen Hawking Say when his computer crashed? Nothing
Did you hear about the cartoonist being investigated? Police on the case say he has a sketchy past.
If you finger a bum... you're a hobosexual
Did you hear about the Buddhist that refused Novocaine during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication...
Why did the semen cross the road? I put the wrong socks on this morning.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts. His name was Frank
What?s green and fluffy and comes from mars? A martian-mellow
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic
Before Instagram people had to display their photos in fish tanks full of piss.
If had a feminine side I would try and fcuk it.
Sometimes I need "Eye of the Tiger" playing to get me to leave my bed.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women can't resist anything 25% off
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One  said to the other 'I don't like your friend.' The other one replied 'Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.'
Batman sure has a weird habit of purposely leaving his soft lips exposed.
Bernie Sanders The real reason Bernie Sanders went to the hospital because he looked at his poll numbers Berning up. Doctors have said that he must have felt the BERN.
Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).
20 years ago my parents had a traffic accident... and that was the day I was born
Didja hear about the new LGBT hockey team gonna play in Boston? (Wait for it ... wait for it ...) Yeah - the Boston Bruouts ...
So these two cannibals are eating a clown... One turns to the other and says, does this taste funny to you?
I asked a guy at the gym how to use a piece of equipment. "Just push the button," he replied, "Like you would with any other hand dryer."
2016: "Yeah right, Trump isn't going to get elected." 2017: "Yeah right, Trump isn't going to put that policy into place." 2018: "Might as well tune into the Hunger Games tonight..."
There are three kinds of people in the world, Those who are good at math and those who aren't.
What is Jesus' favorite gun? ... a nail gun!
What do you call a potato Kim jong un dropped in his lap? A dicktator.
What is Robin Williams doing in heaven? Not sure, probably just hanging out.
I thought about getting two pets and naming them One and Two. So when One dies, I'll still have Two.
This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, "Is that a fret?"
You never have to worry about Starbucks running short on coffee. I hear they always have a latte
What was Tigger doing in the toilet? Looking for Pooh
Til, We are Homo Sapiens at school, And said that my mother. She wished My father was still Homo Erectus.
If an athlete gets athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Missile toe.
Save the whales Collect the whole set. seen on a bumper sticker in PDX
If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster Or maybe that's just super stichin'
Whats big and green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.
During the security announcement on the plane, they asked us to "place all loose objects in the overhead compartment" So I picked up my friend and put her in the overhead compartment.
[in space] ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions ME: Haha I don't think so A: They can seem real GANDALF: Don't believe him ME: I don't
I'm drunk & I want a TV Special called "Wizard Fight" where David Copperfield, David Blaine and Cris Angel try to make each other disappear.
What do you call bread so burnt it can never be ate? Comatoast
I have no respect for mules. Everything they do is half-assed.
When flying to Prague... ...all of your bags are Czeched
2 fish are in a tank One of them says "You drive, I'll shoot!"
I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She's still too young to understand what I was doing, though.
Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it it's not so hot.
An Airport goes to the Dr... And the Dr says, "i have bad news. You have cancer." The airport replies, "oh no, what kind?" "Terminal."
I'm going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Heard about the new game of thrones app? It's good but I heard it might CUT OFF your wifi connectivity
Ever see a bottle of TUMS in the mirror? You'll run out of windex...
Ninjas are like virgins.... No one ever sees them coming
If you spend "up to $9000" on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it
A guy named Lur tells his friend about a business idea... "I have a brilliant idea! I am going to make and sell my own line of cars!" To which his friend replied "Christ, Lur!"
Your search - Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat - did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.
I can't help but feel that if Mario hadn't been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..
364 days until Halloween and people already have their decorations up.
I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no. He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.
A couple of cats and dogs were seen wearing crowns. I think they're reigning cats and dogs.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called? Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway.
I don't really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid's birthday party. I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.
How hot was that oven? That they baked you in? Because you're hotter than a freshly baked Pizza!
What's loud and sounds like "apples"? *APPLES!!!*
Friends may come and go, but friends with benefits cum and go
Waiter there's a fly swimming in my soup! Then we've served you too much soup the fly should be wading
Why does the sad crab walk side ways? Because he has nothing to look forward to
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Made a graph of my past relationships I have an ex-axis and a why-axis
I slept with a supermodel last night Alternative facts.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can't make him drink a horse
If Cookie Monster was going to eat a country, what country would he eat? Viet-nom-nom-nom-nom
If I give my dog a toy that doesn't make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.
Dear Netflix; when I got my first dvd by mail all those years ago I never dreamed that one day you would raise a child for me.
I never ask anyone, "what kind of dog is that?" because they'll tell you. God will they tell you.
Mom, Dad, I'm a gatherer. -Caveman coming out to his parents.
What's the best part of being a man? You don't have to sleep next to a hairy asshole for the rest of your life.
How do you kill a black man? Hide his food stamps in his work boots.
Local News Reports a Kidnapping at a School It's okay though, she woke up.
What is someone doing when they are disposing of diseased radishes? Dropping some ill beets.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don't find him. Again.
Q: What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake? A: Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork.
What paint is most popular in modern buildings? Microsoft Paint
What do you call an economist at an amusement park who is just sitting around? A lazy fair goer!
My daughter was whining about her chores. She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment. I said, "no, just do the floor."
My head and I are not on speaking terms this morning. I suddenly know what it's like to be a man.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.
How do you cut off a redneck's dick? Kick his sister in the jaw
What's a vampire's fetish? Neckrophilia
It's OK if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.
BREAKING: Judge strikes down Kentucky ban on gay marriage, but ruling on hold while state appeals for right to keep treating gays like shit.
What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin? A Hemogoblin
I would tell you jokes about perfect girlfriends But you wouldn't get them
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Fetty Wap could probably get more girls. Too bad he's not much of a looker.
What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That's certainly something to think about, but not during sex.
Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bridget ! Bridget who ? Bridget the end of the world !
Did you hear, Tony the Tiger was murdered. It was a cereal killer
There should be a "shame" setting on showerheads.
I stayed up all night, because I wanted to see where the sun went... Then it dawned on me.
Actual quote from a kid visiting from China Q: Do you like it hear in America? K: Yes. Q: Why? K: Because the sky here is blue.
Yo mama's so dumb... She heard it was chilly outside and ran and got a bowl
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard? Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
What's the best thing about blow job? 5 minutes' silence
Jack and jill Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. Jack had a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jills real name was Randy.
I'm nog saying your mom's a slut but when you were born she did slid you in and out a few times
I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's at least I don't have alzheimer's
If storks bring babies, what kind of bird doesn't bring any babies? A swollow.
What do you call an impatient skin infection? *Rash*
What insect does a neckbeard keep as a pet? M'ladybug
eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: Consumption of  alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally  disappear.
How Long is a Chinese Mans name. Yes, yes it is. Old joke my grandpa like to tell.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius! 
What does Massive Attack call Parkinson's Disease? Interia Creeps Moovin' Up Slowly
I'm terrible at directions Fuck me, left!
Carson: No it wasn't a friend it was a close family member. And I didn't stab her I froze her heart. "Sir, that's the plot of Frozen."
God: NOAH. Noah: Yes Lord? God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes? Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Why do school nurses bring a red crayon to work? So they can draw blood
Animals can sense disasters before they happen. That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.
What did the doctor give the Asari with an STD? Anti-biotics
My grandad gave me some sound advise on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers", he told me.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I think that an XBox is the closest thing to a "box" that most gamers have ever seen. Clever branding Microsoft.
* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep * decided to remember a "key word* so I can remember it * wakes up * forgot key word
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
What did the Red Queen say at the orgy? "Off with their heads!"
Just imagine how good prescription cheese would be.
parent: why did you do this to my child willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won
Two Fish There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive."
How do you break a Polacks finger? Punch him in the nose.
Why was the guy wearing the fedora upset? Because you didn't ask him what band he's in.
Did anyone else hear about the claustrophile? He just came out of the closet recently.
Want to hear a joke about Subway? Okay, but it's not really kid friendly.
[at dinner] Wife: This is terrible. Me: Horrible. Waiter: Hey folks, how's your food? (simultaneously) Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
If Prince is dead then... Is his music now "royalty-free"?
I've been smuggling transvestites across the Mexican border. It's not easy being a drag mule.
Decided to start ranking my favorite minority groups: so far Lithuanians have a lot of catching up to do.
I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line... Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Did you hear Justin Timberlake is making a new song based on Oscar Pistorious? It's called Cry Me A Reeva
We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil!
Spell roast five times, r-o-a-s-t, r-o-a-s-t, r-o-a-s-t, r-o-a-s-t, r-o-a-s-t. What do you put in a toaster? I usually put bread in a toaster.
I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.
Did you hear about the witch who was so ugly that when a tear rolls down her cheek it takes one look at her face and rolls straight up again?
What do Donald Trump supporters and flour have in common? They are both in bread.
98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.
Why must rabbits never miss dinner? With out their tea they'd be Rabbis.
In hell, you have to find the start to Scotch Tape over and over.
Have you ever heard of the lady who was accused of being the infamous Quilted Killer? She's innocent until proven quilty.
Why doesn't Thor of the insect world use a hammer? He's already got a Thor Axe.
Oh, jokes from 7 year-olds are cool now? From my son last night: "Why do sea gulls fly over the sea?" Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bay gulls ("like bagels, get it Dad?").
Yesvember!
Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING
When watching Michael Jackson's coffin being pushed away by the Jackson Brothers, was anybody else reminded of those two words... Cool Runnings.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers.
A young lady who had just been dumped by her boyfriend seemed unusuallycheerful. Someone asked her why, and she replied that, sooner or later,time wounds all heels.
What do you call a Mexican who loss his car? Carlos
*opens cartomn of eggs revealimg twelve rocks wher the eggs normaly go* guys shh ill get u past security this way, jus keep actimg like eggs
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Did you know the person who created Knock Knock jokes won a nobel peace prize?
I gave all my batteries away free of charge.
Q: What does a horny toad say? A: Rubbit
I know a really good reverend Jim Jones joke. I'd tell it, but the punch line is too long.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Mind yer own fuckin' business!
I wish I were poor for one day. Because being poor every day is not something I like waking up to.
Bald people struggle with improv, They can't seem to come up with anything off the top of their head.
Why do rapists go after fat women? Because no one will believe them.
Did you know Princess Di had dandruff? Yeah, they found her head and shoulders in the dashboard.
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Just named my dog Naked. Now im going to walk naked down the street eveyday.
KY jelly For when your cousin just ain't feeling it.
This guy and I were arguing in an elevator when all of the sudden it turned into a fist fight We really took it to the next level
Why did the chicken cross the road? It got its head cut off
I've got a shitty joke. Why did the poo have a crappy life? Because his dad is an arsehole
Was going to tell my wife a joke about quantum theory... ...but I didn't want to Bohr here
Dogs have non-traditional family structures... because they have four Pa's.
What do you call a dragqueen in a truck? A Transporter
Whats the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through his opening monologue without laughing
Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
What's the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? (NSFW ish) I wouldn't let a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
What did the two stoners do with their son when they divorced? They put him under joint custody.
TIFU by... Getting needled by a dirty prick.
[boxing match] Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
first day at school?" Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Though my heart is a fist, I really do  my girlfriend
*navigation voice* BEAR TO THE RIGHT *gets eaten by bear*
What's the paradox of 'lingerie'? Done right, it doesn't linger.
How many beans are in Irish Chili? 239, because if there was 1 more it would be "Too Farty".
They say 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile Not me I live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year olds
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
What do you call a Russian with three testicles? Whodyouknickabollokoff
Why didn't George like driving through tunnels with people in his car? He didn't want to get carpool tunnel syndrome.
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.
Plane crashed in graveyard Police recovered 2000 bodies.
What does a fecalpheliac ghost say? POO!
I had an issue with my XBone suddenly breaking &amp; emitting smoke... I wasn't too disappointed that my XBone crashed and burned but I couldn't stand the fact that the smoke was even in low-res
Why do black men cry after sex? From the pepper spray.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don't know they lost.
Why did the dog fail his driving test? Because he's a dog. Dogs cannot drive.
Spiderman's villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.
Addicted to pills? Don't worry. They have a pill for that.
Two blondes are drawing money from an ATM. One of them says to the other... I love the sound of money being printed.
What's the difference between a goat and a ram? I don't goat my dick up a dead baby's ass.
Why is there no phone books in china? Because theres so many wings and wongs you wing the wong number.
I like my women, like I like my coffee with cream in it
The inventor of the Heimlich maneuver has died at the age of 96. Ironically enough, everyone at his funeral was choking back tears.
Stop with the boxing jokes guys... You're beating a Mayweather's girlfriend here.
I woke up to the ghost of Gloriya Gaynor in my room last night At first I was afraid, I was petrified...
Canadian college to launch marijuana cultivation course......... There's only a limited number of openings for students - they'll have to weed some of them out.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip* Girlfriend: did you catch anything? Me: *sighs* just an old boot Girlfriend: okay, what's she called?
According to math, I'm broke
New reality show. Put the commenters from YouTube videos in a house with the commenters from Yahoo Answers. Burn the house down.
I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish I can't wait till they see it
What's Blue and not heavy? Light Blue.
White jokes are not funny... unless they target a specific nationality
Coffee- LET'S DO THIS SHIT Weed- Don't be ridiculous
When you are drinking with your sister you can make a bunch of really stupid mistakes... if you don't pull out.
What did the umpire say when Randy Johnson hit a bird with his pitch? Fowl ball.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A $100 bill.
Why are organ donations low ? Because most people have pianos
Your 'Chemistry' with your girlfriend is great if you remember her 'Periodic Table'.
I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
A post at night is like a land mine You have to happen upon it to blow on
Why did Brazil lose the World Cup? Weak back.
Yo mama so fat in order to meet new carbon emissions regulations, we had to cap her ass
My phone tried to auto-correct "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
What do you call a group of goose haunting you? A poltergeest
"With people now being able to decide their own gender, how do you feel about people who identify as household appliances?" "I'm certainly not a big fan."
My girl friend is a sex object. When I ask for sex, she objects.
Can Mississippi wear Delaware's New Jersey? I don't know but Alaska.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.
What does a television have in common with a rabbit? His ears! Yes, this is a real joke I got from a Laffy Taffy wrapper today, not 30 years ago. I did not laugh.
What do you call 2 polar bears jerking each other off? Bi-polar
Add a word to ruin a movie: - Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.
What did the watermelon say to the honeydew when he proposed to her "Well we cantaloupe. My mother will never forgive us"
Sometimes it's fun to pretend that all old people are part of a 'who can take the most steps over the shortest distance' contest
Making the Least of Life by Minnie Mumm
Why did the cop cross the road? To shoot a black kid.
Why couldn't the pig run? He pulled his hamstring!
How come computers are soo smart? It is because they listen to their motherboard.
Ironically, I hate people who say "like us on Facebook".
Why couldn't the police arrest the drug dealer? Because the evidence was under their noses (They sniffed the cocaine)
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his pizza? He ate it before it was cool.
Sometimes I think I'm a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Idea: An animated sitcom where the characters age and change clothes.
Why is history called His story? Because it's written by the Victors, not the Victorias.
The good thing about women who like F1 is that they like men who finish fast
A set of gold chains would be a great retirement gift.. For a really good slave.
My dick is so big I have to wear a back brace when I masturbate.
What did the windmill say to the windmill engineer? I'm a big fan of your work
How do you call black man that is flying a plane? a pilot, you racist
[spelling bee] Your word is "coincide" -could u use it in a sentence? Sure: When the nickel murdered the penny it was a case of "coincide"
Hear about the blonde explorer? She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara  Desert.
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke!
Why did 6 and 8 dislike 7? They thought 7 was pretty odd.
I don't like the Powerballs....only one person ever wins, is what I told my dad after he asked whether or not he was hurting me.
Why do you love your baby so much. You've only known it for like 4 weeks.
Did you hear about corduroy pillow cases? They're making all the headlines! Never said it was a good joke...
I told my doctor that I keep getting embarrassing erections. He said, "It's OK. Just think of your grandma." As I sat there with my cock in my hand, I said, "Then what?"
So a "refugee" walks into a bar... ...So a firefighter walks into the remains of a bar...
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? Well they said the wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome!
How many wrinkles does an asshole have? Smile and ill start counting
I hate how much time my kids spend staring at their iPads. I wish they'd look up once in a while & pay attention to me staring at my iPhone.
I keep trying to make funny eye puns... But my friends say they keep getting cornea and cornea.
What idiot called it "the clap" and not "dishonorable discharge?"
[tv commercial] me: "know what i'd love for breakfast?" mum: "what's that son?" me: "if someone pre-chewed my food" narrator: "porridge"
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Why was the harvester pleaded guilty? Cause he's a cereal killer.
Life is a lot like chess You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead. And most people want to be white.
What sexual position... Do you not want your new girlfriend to ask you put her in? The fetal position.
Let my legacy to this whole thing be a single outstretched middle finger with fire where a fingernail should be
[using ouija board] R2...L2....L1....R2...LEFT...DOWN... "what the hell?" [everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
What do you call a gay New Zealander? A Kiwi Fruit
Chinese people want to criticize Ronda so bad after that fight.....but they cant. They just end up saying her name, Ronda Rousey
If you pluck a hair out of Hitler's head... ...do you now have a root of all evil?
Yo momma's privates are like Mars... It took a team of scientists decades to find moisture on it.
If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out
Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
Obama looks rough after the last 8 years in office. Still better than JFK after 2.
The New Zealand Military
What was World of Warcraft called in the beta stage? World of Wardraft.
What if a man existed w/one hand that's a steak and the other is lobster plus unlimited salad bar? This is the plot of Edward Sizzlerhands
Where would Helen Keller park her car? On top of three children.
Work today had a sexual harassment seminar It was a real let down when I found out they weren't going to teach how to sexually harass.
The real winner in the Mayweather Pacquiao fight.? The Bookmakers
"If you film it, they will cum." That's the tagline for my new baseball porno, Field of Creams. Based on the life of Hoeless Joe.
My mom was supposed to die in the 9/11 incident.. I think - Anthony Jeselnik
What kind of comedian becomes more famous if they bomb than if they don't? An Islamic one.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I'd like to speak to your manager
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other. I went to law school for this.
shout out to.. shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is
Did you hear about the guy with two wooden legs who's house burnt down? He fell on his ash.
I'm not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
What do a gay man having sex and a pom pom have in common? They're both poofs on the end of a stick.
How do you know if someone is an Alabama fan? Oh don't worry, they'll tell you.
Executioner: any last words? Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch
The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"
What paper product speaks really quickly? Wrapping paper.
I'll lean at a 45 degree angle if I'm so inclined.
Told my co-workers this joke about mandatory meetings. You really had to be there.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account. I'm good.
You have a donkey and I have a rooster. Your donkey eats my roosters legs. What do you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They can't get up that high!
Why did the atheist fail algebra? He didn't believe in higher powers!
Boy, people who need attention continue to find new ways to get it, he tweeted.
I wanna like most of the jokes here... But for the most part, I reddit before.
[NSFW] I like my coffee the way I like slaves... Free, you asshole.
I couldn't figure out how to use my seatbelt.. Then it clicked.
How to explain non-alcoholic beer? It's like eating your sisters pussy, the taste is the same but you know something is not right.
London weather is just like Iraq. A little bit sunni, but mostly shiite.
A husband came home with half a gallon of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick." he replied. "Pour me some."
If anyone sees Phillip... ...tell him I have his screwdriver.
What is the difference between Hitler and Seabiscuit? Seabiscuit could finish a race.
Don't argue with strangers on the Internet. Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.
If you were 8 years old when "red, red wine" was released UB40 now.
Does anyone get the urge to tweet something really bad just to see if the government is really paying attention to you?
I cant believe I got fired from the calendar factory I mean, I only took a day off
I can't control my urge to pull tube tops down.
i may look like im listening to music but really i have my volume on 0 and im listening to everyones conversations because im a true spy kid
What kind of bird can write? A penguin.
Just been offered a 42 Plasma TV for 100. Only problem is the volume control is broken, I thought fuck it, at that price you can't turn it down.
how does every racist joke start? with a look over your shoulder.
What was the under-appreciated, often-exploited kitchen contractor's complaint? I'm always taken for granite!
What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick? Put it on my bill.
If you give Indian kids hockey stick and football they will be playing cricket with it.
Europe must have a detergent based economy.. ..because it's tough on Greece.
doktor: did you get a drug test? me: nah I know what I'm on
What's the greatest trick the Austrians ever pulled off? It was to convince the world that Mozart was Austrian and that Hitler in fact was German.
Why is Adam known as the first accountant? He turned a leaf and made an entry.
When does a hunger strike stop? When hunger strikes.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
ME: Would you like a snack? 4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.
Knock knock! Who's there Jehovah Witnesses Jehovah Wit... *covers their mouth* SSSHHHhhh There right outside
I'm going back to my surgeon to get my dressing changed tomorrow. Or, to put it another way... I'm seeking redress from the man who cut me.
Wlkom I happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
'Please, I need this', I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Had scab soup today made it from scratch.
Why shouldn't you burn scented candles inside of a Buddhist shrine? Because doing so would be incense-itive!
What do you call a Korean with a dog? ...vegetarian. For the record, I'm Korean and have a dog haha.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can't guess how much money I owe my parents.
What's 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild? deez nuts
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two children? Hose A and Hose B
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks this morning *Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)*
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, can I have fifty dollars?" The father looks at him and says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.
hey teens ! if you think you're angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.
Wife: "Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!" Me: "Thanks! I've been working out!"
"You're Fired!" Said President Trump to all of our nuclear rockets
I Went To Purchase Some Camoflauge Clothes The Other Day But I just couldn't see myself in them.
I read a story by a pregnant woman on reddit She was having trouble with her pregnancy, and she said she would post an update after it was over. OP delivered.
What do you call a fat psychic? A large. (Because medium)
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
A boomerang walks into a bar. Gets thrown out but he came back in again.
Why did the Mexican fail English 101? He wouldn't turn in his essay
*Friend is sinking in quicksand* Get help before I drown! *I start to run, stop, jog back to friend* Technically you're not drow- NATE!
How do you get 1000 cows into a barn ?? - hold a bingo !!
I am drinker. Hear me pour.
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies "Sorry. We don't serve food".
What's a mathematician's favorite kind of music? Logarithms
Stupid one liners everyone should know I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.
A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.
Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie... Q: What comes in quarts? . . A: Elephants
What's the difference between Bigfoot and a Mexican with a beard? Bigfoot is occasionally sighted
*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*
A pharmacy was broken into and the only thing stolen was a case of Viagra Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals
Life is like toilet paper... You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Everytime I check my facebook I remember why i'm on Twitter.
What are apricots? Where monkeys sleep.
What's worse than a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
Guy asks his girlfriend to tell him something that will make him happy and sad at the same time. She thinks for a few seconds and replies.... Your penis is bigger than your father's.
Hi I'm Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can't kick a football. I'd like to talk to you for a second about insurance
Sex with me is a lot like gun control. Some of you want it, but we all know it's not going to work down south.
"I'll sleep when I'm bread." -Dough
What car does Hitler drive? [OC] A fuhrerri.
Why do new Irish mothers keep dying? Because they lack taters
Newt Gingrich would probably leave the presidential race... if he learned it had cancer.
Sure, when a girl writes your name inside a heart it's "cute" But when -I- do it they call it "narcissism"
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven't had to spend any money. Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it "inappropriate"
Toilets can be so full of shit sometimes.
Clowns terrorizing the streets. A real life billionaire villain running for president. We need Batman now more than ever
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman ? Snowballs.
I have a lot of guilt from things I've done in the past so I'm grateful Twitter allows me to focus my pent up anger on strangers.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up!
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!" "Not this time. Our dog died."
I wish my car's navigation could take human form so I can punch it in the face.
No matter how hard you try to push that envelope It will still be stationery. ^edit: ^spelling...
Deer Run Too Fast
I have that eating disorder where I threw up once cause I ate too much candy and now I nod knowingly when someone says they're bulimic.
What do French athletes wear? Jaques straps
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I'll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don't have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
What do you call children born into a whorehouse? Your kids
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes -WHAM!- "FUCK!" A bad skydiver goes "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
What's a karate experts favourite beverage? kar-a-TEA HA
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps could finish a race
I had sex with a waitress and it was terrible. She just wanted the tip.
If eating fish is so good for your brain, how come sharks always score so poorly on the SAT?
If I ever shot the sheriff, I'd probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.
Do old people wear boxers or briefs? Depends
By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.
Why is star wars the most disgusting movie? Because its the most grossing.
WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind. On startup it performed a self diagnostic test. Turns out, it's cancer.
Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. -History
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Did you hear about the drug dealer with arthritis? He had bad joints.
Signed up for Gmail and set my password as 'Mypenis' Google said it was too short. :(
Breaking news: Cheese Factory Explosion De brie everywhere.
Some people may be brave enough to try to get into the milk business. Me? I wouldn't dairy.
How do you make a horse fast? You take away his food.
I want to tell a Moses joke... but I haven't chosen one.
Graham has withdrawn from the Republican nomination race. Some people worry that he'll send his voters to Trump. All three of them.
The only time honesty isn't the best policy is when speaking to an Apple employee at the Genius Bar.
Why couldn't the banana get a date? It didn't have a peel.
Kid, "Mom, Dad, I'm in love with a gopher from a funny animal video." Parent, "The Bible says Adam and Eve, not Allen! Allen! Allen! Steve!"
Two deaf guys... Two deaf guys, Ed and Harry, were hanging out talking, when Ed told Harry a joke. Harry laughed so hard he broke three fingers...
What's the difference between a good joke and me not giving a shit? Fuck you
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don't waver. Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Knock knock Who's there? Owls. Owls who? They certainly do
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON! Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk? Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we're walking home.
Why can't a nihilist use a pencil?.... because they cant find the point.
How about we don't pick a president this time and everyone promises to behave themselves.
How do you know an r/jokes mod is a cyberman? [deleted]
Why do white girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they literally can't even.
I farted in a Apple Store Too bad they didn't have any *windows*.
PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your ...ahem.. special items "Toys". It's very awkward to explain.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot..
You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.
[introducing you to my family] "this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet"
Where do you hide cocaine in orphanage? Right under the children's noses
TIL Australians don't have sex They just mate
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs
TIL that if a seamstress messes up even one stick, the thing van unwravel Oops. Wrong thread This^ joke type is stupid and I hate it. Maybe you won't
"Hello?" "Hi it's me" "Oh hi me"
Oh, Fox News! LOL! You wacky, bigoted fucks!
What did one termite say to another in a burning building? "Barbecue tonight!"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
I forget... What's that Mexican dish called with rice, chicken, beans, guacamole, cheese and salsa?
Are news readers secretly insulting you? **Moron this story later.**
Have you ever heard of Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
What does a tree do when it wants to go home? It leaves.
What do you get a kid without arms for Christmas? Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain :D
I don't understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don't have to have a job.
I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.
Got passed by a guy with a ponytail riding a moped so no I'm not ok.
Grandma's funeral ft. Pitbull
How do you turn a fox into a cow? Marry her
Jokes (Water) Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O. 
What did the Jewish pedophile say? "Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?"
Knock, knock. Who's there? Owls. Owls who? Yes. Yes they do.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he's calling me to sell Amway products..
If your dog has weird unsightly nipples, it's OK to throw 3 or 4 little bras on it.
Why is drinking American beer like making love in a canoe?
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.
Plateaus... ...are the highest form of flattery.
What comes before the main violinist? ... Entree Rieu
Man found dead midway through masturbating Cause of death? A stroke
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alf ! Alf who ? Alf all if you don't catch me!
My parents used to listen to jimmy saville back in the seventies If only they had come into my room and stopped him.
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
Guys, I love this subreddit, but we shouldn't joke about people dying... It's a very grave subject.
A guy goes to a pharmacy and buys some slimming products. He asks the pharmacist: How much do you think I will be losing with this? Pharmacist replies: Well ... around 200 bucks.
Yo. Wanna do graffiti? "Sure man" [My friend makes a cool gang symbol on a wall] Cool. Let me try [Mine reads KELLY WHY DID U LEAVE ME]
Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation. Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.
I keep having to remind myself that an "oral history" is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.
During puberty, how did Cookie Monster's friends describe him? "Young, dumb and full of crumb"
Have you heard men get hit by lightning 6x more often than women? The kitchen must be a very safe place
Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant? He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.
OF COURSE IT'S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
What's the best part about fingering... What's the best part of fingering a psychic while she's on her period? You still get your palm red
ADELE WAS BUSTED FOR DRUG DEALING! Yep - they lifted her skirt and found 100 pounds of crack.
Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia? Egypt 8 - Ethiopia didn't....
The difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler. Usain Bolt managed to finish a race while Hitler couldn't.
I've been texting random numbers "hey are we taking salvia before or after church?"
My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.
english words that pitbull knows: -party -miami
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book 'The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron' is a hit with both critics and readers.
hey you got a sec? next time someone asks you if you got a sec, you must simply reply" no i have lots of secs"
It's true that blacks can be racist too! But just like everything else in life, whites are always better at it.
Is your refrigerator running? If so, I'll vote for it.
The movie ''Finding Nemo'' would've lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would've looked for him.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
I'm going to a trial in Great Sept of Baelor today, AMA. Edit: Wow, this blew up!
Record ice and precipitation in the northeast and I'm paranoid that the government is watching me Because I am snowed in.
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time... ...are they guilty of resisting a rest?
What do WNBA players make? Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share
My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke "Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Why should Rihanna date the Edmonton Oilers? Because they don't beat anybody.
"You never tell me you love me," said my girlfriend. I said, "That's because you never ask." She said, "Do you want me to?" "Go for it," I replied. She said, "Do you love me?" I said, "No."
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays".
Why did the doughnut maker retire? He was fed up with the hole business.
Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any kids? Because he only gets to come once a year and thats down a chimney.
I like my women how I like my tests Curved
a coca-cola can and a dr pepper bottle are having an emotional talk... coca-cola asked why dr pepper had been bottling up his feelings for so long!
What's the difference between a pun and a copy of Cliff's Notes? A pun is a play on words, while Cliff's notes are a word on plays
What do Jews drive? A hard bargain
What's the difference between a tribal tattoo and /r/jokes? A tribal tattoo makes you laugh.
What do you call a slutty vegan A herbivwhore
So there I was balls deep in a 12 year old ... Then my dad walks in and freaks out starts screaming "What the fuck are you doing to your sister"
Perfection "Practice makes perfect" "Nobody's perfect" I'm so confused
Happy New Year Reddit! Just Kidding you really came for my cake day! Happy 1 Year Reddit
What do you call someone who cuts down trees? A lumberjack, you fucking idiot.
I don't always roll a joint, But when I do it's my ankle
"Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha" yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting
I have chronic diarrhea. My dad also has chronic diarrhea, and his dad had it too... It runs in our jeans.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed. Trump: I'm gonna be the president Castro: well then.......
50% of Canada Is the letter A
My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. He's too young to know about sex, so I told him they're just lazy.
9/11 may have been an inside job.... But 7/11 was a part time one
What is the hardest part of cutting a baby in half with a straight razor? My erection.
The thing about insomnia is 372 raised swirl patterns on the ceiling.
I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.
Shouldn't octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Hey stupid & ugly people that are brimming with self confidence. What meds are you on? I want some.
I Got Banned From /r/twoxchromosomes I guess I am too male to understand (Y).
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
When does CPR become necrophilia? When you are both stiff
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there's more sunlight
You guys wanna hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.
Did you hear about the Muslim Party? It was a blast
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Lif is too short
If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like.. [removed]
One day Canada will conquer the galaxy... And they'll call it the *Milky Eh*.
Why would you never starve in the desert? Because of all the sandwiches there.
Which Hollywood actress has made sure all sci-fi movies like alien; ghostbusters; avatar &amp; chappie are "woven" together? Sigourney "Weaver" :P
Why are envelopes and papers white? Because blackmail is illegal.
Sometimes I stand in front of a Redbox until a long line gathers behind me.. Then I'll yell. Where's the fucking Pepsi button on this thing?
What does the weather do when Hitler's around? It heils.
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
This little piggy went to the market This little piggy stayed home This little piggy spread a swine flu virus And killed 250 million people
What did the melon tell her boyfriend when he proposed? Yes but we cantaloupe.
Are you fu*** crazy? A squirrel with a nut having sex. Another squirrel sees her and asks: "Are you fucking crazy?" "No, I'm fucking nuts!"
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
I was sitting in a bar... When a guy yells out, "Linda why didn't you give your mom any grandkids?" She yelled back, "Because I swallowed them all!"
Where'd I drop my waffle? At the beach in San Diego.
Oh I thought you said VANILLA folder. Haha classic mix up. Seriously though take your folder it's melting.
What do you call a obese fortune teller? A fortune teller, you FPHer!!!
Wanna know what's making the Head Lines? Corduroy Pillows that's what
Wanna know what's the most racist game ever? Chess. They never EVER let Black go first.
All my hostile pals are in hospitals.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' catholic.
Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.
I shoudl not be expected to put my knee on the ground to propose to a woman, the same ground where the animals shit,
I went on a date last night with a tiny lobster. It didnt go well. She was a little shellfish.
Whats the funniest joke you know? You.
How come if you eat two cookies you gain 3 lbs. Then when you take a major dump, you don't lose anything?
The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky
I'm now starting to think CNN took the plane.
What's pink, bubbly and scratches at glass? A baby in a microwave
What do you call a noodle that likes Reggae? A Pastafarian.
My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months. I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry Potter can escape the chambers
How are woman and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.
My dad's never been proud of me The other day he asked how old I was, I said "twenty-one". "When I was your age I was twenty-two" he replied.
The Big C Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia."
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
I know I shouldn't, but I treat blacks and whites the same Speed Wash cycle.
If I ever become a serial killer I am going to dispose of my victim's bodies by throwing them into a bottomless pit It's a floorless plan.
when I talk about computers I make my motherboard
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
A guy walks into a building with his boss. Ouch. You'd think that at least one of them should have seen it. EDIT: A twist on the classic "a guy walks into a bar" joke.
Today at a work a few customers told me they were in denial about the approaching snow storm... I told them to watch out for crocodiles.
Where do crabs take the train? King's Cross Station :)
What's the best thing to put into a pizza?  Your teeth.
I hope this blue uniform and walkie talkie doesn't make me look fat - Insecurity guard
Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon That they made him a prophet.
In a perfect world I'd own a fertilizer / external hard-drive distribution company called Shits N Gigs.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin Step 1: Stop wearing other people's skin
What does an impatient cow say? Mooove the fuck out my way
"Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." -- everyone in front of you on the highway.
Why did ranch break up with chicken wings? Because he blue cheese...
I saw some crippled kid getting picked on the other day... He got kinda upset with me when I told him to stand up for himself.
Why was the EDM producer bad at fishing? Because he kept dropping the bass
What comes after 69? Mouthwash
A black guy, a Muslim, and a racist walk into a bar... The bartender says, "The usual, Mr. President?"
Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don't even have to ask.
The Barber of Seville by Aaron Floor
What do you call it when one piece of coal asks another piece of coal out to dinner? Carbon dating.
Maybe you never should have domesticated your peeves.
I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises... The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet." I said, "Yes, that's the one."
If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.
What's more inbred than English monarchs? Wheat.
TIFU was good, but the hole was too small.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie? HER: sure, sounds great. [next day] HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I just ate lunch at a restaurant that calls french fries, 'Freedom Fries.' Thats just fucking stupid, pardon my freedom.
[CSI at Starbucks] "Ma'am you've been robbed. Suspect is at large." Barista: At what? "At large" At what? "At venti?" OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter *calls to check on the sitter
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Teacher to child: 'do you know how to spell banana? Child: 'Yes, but I don't know when to stop'.
I went to therapy because of all the years I've been putting Chef Boyardee inside of me... I finally admitted how much he's been sodium-izing me.
Knock, Knock Who's there? Hitler. Hitler who? For denying the holocaust you are now sentenced to ten years in an Austrian prison.
He fucked his dad When mom found out she wanted to join. She wanted to do some kinky things with urination "Pee on our boy" The son didn't want to Oedipus
Yo mama so fat, when she fell over nobody was laughing... ...but the ground was cracking up
Why was 6 afraid of 5? Because 7 8 9
I've been feeling really dizzy since yesterday I think I need to stop these New Year revolutions.
You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.
Caitlin Jenner and the Carolina Panthers have some things in common... There balls drop when they get hit by sacks.
A robber broke into my house last night looking for money... So I woke up and started searching with him.
I heard there were shenanigans in Iowa last week Apparently it was Hillary's cock and Bernie's ass.
Whats worse than ants in your pants? Your uncle.
What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? "I'm stuck on you!"
I should have been a psychic I hear they make a fortune.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Floaters What do you call that which barks during the day and floats during the night ? - Your grandma's jaws
My response when someone ask me how's life with a penis. It's hard.
My wife asked me to stop singing wonderwall. I said maybe.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library* FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
All pills are sleeping pills if you take enough of them.
What has blonde hair, blue eyes and tends to ailed animals? A VeterinArian.
Taking my dog on road trips would be more fun if he didn't always insist on driving.
Why do black people hate country music? When they hear the word "hoedown" they think their sister got shot.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?? In case he got a hole in one
Its gone viral Bird flu - 45 million dead chickens and turkeys.
What did Silver say to Gold? "Au!"
If you find a fry on the floor and you don't share it with me, we can't be friends. Don't touch me. Monster.
How do you drown a blonde? Stick a scratch and sniff to the bottom of a pool.
House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don't.
RUSSELL: I told you that cheese wasn't for you ME: [bitterly, mousetraps on both hands] Nothing's ever for me, is it Russell
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brian ! Brian who ? Brian drain !
I am never going to procrastinate again... Starting next semester
Not only is my new thesaurus terrible... It's also terrible
When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it's pandanormal.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I've used up my ten free New York Times articles.
When I look up at the majesty of all them stars it really gets me to thinkin, when we gonna get that ding dong roof patched up!? Ah horse apples!
What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated? A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless
Why do they say you are what you eat? I don't know but everyone calls me an asshole.
If you're wondering at what age you'll stop messing up your life know that it's not 40 and apparently not 50 either.
If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Her: hey handsome, why don't you give me your number... Me: ...because I still need it.
What did the Estonian student say in language class? I'll never Finnish. *dodges tomato*
My wife and I were happy for 25 years Then we met.
I was so poor, we couldn't afford a bidet. I had to do hand stands in the shower.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne doesn't come on a boys face till 14
What was Dodi Fayed's favorite state? In Diana
A fun trick for remembering peoples names is to never interact with anyone.
If Africa had more mosquito nets... ...we'd save millions of mosquitos from dying of Aids each year
Is molestation rape foreplay? Is it rude to molest someone and then not rape them? Woman: I didn't let him rape me because he did not molest me first. I'm not that type of girl.
Jared Fogle just got arrested for Child Pornography Charges. I'm sure he'll be getting plenty of foot longs where he's going...
How does a sailor remove a condom? He farts
9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV's shouldn't be babysitters 9 out of 10 child psychologists don't have children
You have the face of a saint. Which one? Saint Bernard.
A pirate with Alzheimer's sold his parrot The next day he woke up and shouted "Where's my ship!?"
I HATE stereo-types.. Samsung, Sony, Toshiba, doesn't matter. Can't stand 'em.
So I fucked this bitch last night, but she was really clingy. I asked a friend for his insight, he said "Yeah man, golden retrievers can be like that sometimes."
Pretty similar... Tea is the only difference between meh and meth.
The most reliable bridge builders in all of Mexico. Spic and Span
It's not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.
I used to worry about offending people's moms on facebook but now they all post memes like "I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children"
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be "a Muslim extremist." That's like a student signing his report card "Timmy's Dad."
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
"Four, five, six, one, two, three, seven, eight, nine, ten! Coming, ready or not!" George Lucas playing hide and seek
I don't gossip because: 1. It's not my business. 2. I'm no better than anyone else. 3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff :(
"Nice" - first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E. NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth? BUZZ: Nope *5 minutes silence* BUZZ: OK, yep.
What's the best thing from New York City? The train to Boston
What do you call spaghetti that carries a fake ID? an impasta!
What is a Mexicans favorite sport? Cross-country
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
What do you get when you leave a dog inside a car when it's 100 degrees outside? A hot dog.
What starts with p and ends in orn Popcorn
[inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Why do white girls always stay in groups of odd numbers? Because they can't even...
Bishop gets in trouble for saying fruits should get married in churches "It's only reasonable, they cantaloupe"
Like most people my age... I'm 27.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
What does a teenage southern girl say while having sex? Get off me Daddy! You're crushing my cigarettes!
Frankenstein: Master go fishing? Igor: Yes. F: Master take worms? I: Yes. F: Master put on hook? I: Yup. F: Hehe...Master ba- I: Just don't.
What nation is the most unjust? Discrimination
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going? To the bank
How do you make an idiot think he's a duck? Tell him he's a duck.
Could you guys not make jokes about the holocaust here? My grandfather died in the holocaust, and it's really offending me. He fell out of one of the guard towers at Auschwitz
House is a good doctor. He's also got a good heart. He should let his friends see the real him. But he's scared.
I can prove global warming is real. The Chicago Cubs are still playing its October already.
little son knows How to scare parents? Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."
Wondering when Oceans 14 is coming out? It already did, it's called "The Hobbit".
Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a Martini. The bartender asks,"Olive or twist?"
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here Stay! Come here Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
What was the first thing the stowaway to Mars said after he landed? Just out of Curiosity...
When is Iran not Iran? When it's a rock.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
What's grey and comes in buckets? An elephant!
What's the difference between a fish and a guitar? You can't tuna fish!!!
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? A quarterback.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? Dude, how the hell do you breathe through that thing?!?
Why did the duck get kicked out of church? Because he was using fowl language!
A Funeral Director isn't the best position in this economy... It's a dying trade
What's grey and comes in buckets? An elephant.
[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The Joys of Horse-riding by Jim Kama
Jared from Subway should be happy... ... He will have a life time supply of foot-longs where he's going.
Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he is too short to be an essay!
With my luck, I bet if I was homeless, I'd probably end up with the shopping cart with the fucked up wheel.
Liquids with high viscosity... Why can't liquids with high viscosity get insurance? They resist Flo.
[texting] you mean the wolf to me -wolf? ha! autocorrect fail! -lol what i meant to say was...you're a mean wolf to me
When Santa arrives at home, he says: Honey, I'm ho-ho-home! ... I'll show myself out.
Three things in the universe are constant. The speed of light, gravity, and laundry.
Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Did you hear about Mike Tyson's opinion on ears? He had some biting commentary on the matter.
How do fish get high? Seaweed
Rabbits in a row. What do you get when 100 rabbits stand in a row and 99 take a step back? A receding hare line.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you're making the best mistakes possible.
If I were a mob boss, I'd ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
No YOU let your kid think he could turn the traffic lights green with his mind powers until he was 10 yrs old!
Do you know why Eskimos always do their laundry  in tide? Because it's too cold out-tide!
A man walks into a restaurant in Mainland China. He calls the waiter over and tells him, 'That steak was rubbery.' 'Thank you for the compriment, sir, and have a rubbery evening!'
I got invited to my first HS party... ten years too late, fuck you all i'm not going to the reunion, get bent.
Proves a point Bruce Jenner never had a car accident until he became a woman driver.
Jesus walked into a tavern and saw a man who could not walk. He said, "FRIEND, HAVE YOU BEEN INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT AT WORK THAT WASN'T YOUR FAULT?!"
What is green and glides down a mountain? A skiwi
Request: Give me your best wedding joke! (jokes with puns are absolutely acceptable)
I got kicked out of the cancer ward at my hospital today. Apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.
You could make a whole biopic about my life using only the infomercial footage of people unable to perform simple tasks for no reason.
"Meet sexy singles in your area!" Why do I always recognize the girls in the "Meet sexy singles in your area!" from 4chan? I didn't know there were so many girls in my area on 4chan!
[GRAND CANYON] WIFE: Isn't this incredible? ME: It's ok. WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons? ME: I don't want to talk about it
What do you call a fat rat? enormouse
What do a Feminist and a Hockey Player have in common? They both change their pads after three periods.
It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.
What do you call an amish man with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.
Neutrinos "Sorry we don't serve neutrinos," says the barman. A neutrino walks into a bar.
Christ, you're ENORRRRMUS!! What did the leprechaun say when he met Jesus?
Without that little voice in your head, you wouldn't be able to read this.
Hmmm... Jack Nicholson. He's that guy from the Laker's games right?
A woman walks up to me and says "give me 12 inches and make it hurt".... So i banged her 4 times and hit her w/ a brick
How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? WANNA RIDE BIKES??
A skeleton walks into a bar and says... "Barkeeper, I'll have a beer and a mop"
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn't stop)
The GPA is not my son... But I will raise it.
What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
What's green and can eat 50 hot dogs in a minute? Kobayoshi.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
A lime and banana decided to become a stand-up comedy duo and called themselves ... Key and Peele.
Frisbee. I went to the park with my son and he brought his frisbee. We started throwing it around and after a while I started to wonder why frisbees get bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me...
What do you call an anorexic lady with a yeast infection? A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they can't C#.
Q: What is a sea monster's favorite dish? A: Fish and ships.
1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone "It's done. He's dead." 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can
Does Hitler have a favorite number? Hitler: Nine.
I like my women like I like my coffee ground up and in the freezer.
if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY - my mom
What's the definition of eternity 4 blondes at a 4 way stop
The 1996 film "Crack" was directed by whom? Francis Snort Cokealot
sometimes i see a bird & i hate it for no reason. i'm not proud of it but its true. they have tiny heads & even smaller hearts. they hate us
I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'
Ever see the same type of towel you own at a friend's house and be like motherfucker stole my towel but really you're just drunk at an Arbys
Any salad can be a Caesar salad... If you stab it enough times.
I made a meme
What becomes packed between periods? School Hallways
What kind of file makes a hole bigger?? A Pedophile
Hipsters never go white water rafting It's too main stream.
Just had to re-watch the Rousey v Nunes fight... Because it finished before I did
What's a ghosts favourite Christmas  entertainment ? A phantomime !
Now that there are no phone booths anymore Superman just changes in abandoned Blockbusters.
In the summer there's only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I don't want to know the truth. Lie to me and make it ok.
I like how we say "vegan" now instead of "eating disorder".
What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? He works it out with a pencil.
How to stop, drop and roll if you are drunk. If you're drunk, it's not called the stop, drop and roll. It's called the stop, drop and stop rolling around so your drunk friend can piss on you.
Yo momma's so fat... ...she sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger out of George Washington's nose!
So I was in Jerusalem and a man was trying to sell me a gold watch... I kept telling him I don't want it. It looks too fake, not real gold. He looked at me and says "It's not fake, Israel."
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
What do a dead fish and dog shit have in common? They are both front-page material on reddit
If you ever struggle to make your woman happy, just remember Eve was in the Garden of Eden and it wasn't good enough.
What's the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo? An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg I still do but I used to too. RIP Mitch, we miss you.
I lost my job today "What? How?" I just wasn't a good housekeeper "BUT YOU'RE A BEEKEEPER" Well that explains all the screaming
What do you call a blonde standing between two  brunettes? A mental block!
What's the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer The taste.
Eat, Pray, Smoke Weed, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Love.
I have no respect for paedophiles... ... they're fucking immature assholes.
A Freddie Mercury Joke If you had sex with Freddie Mercury and got AIDS, would that be considered Mercury poisoning?
I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.
I'd be great at Wheel of Fortune. I shout random shit all the time. It's called "tourettes". "Pat, I'd like to buy a... FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!"
My friend was really worried when he had to get tested for HIV. I told him just think positive.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones.
Wanna hear a pickup line? ***HONK HONK HOOOOOONK HONK HOOOONNK***
What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener
Chess makes us to realize our life!!! Chess says everything about husband and wife. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever she wants.
What did the wall outlet say to the appliance? "You're grounded."
Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok. Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.
Hellen Keller walks into a bar Then she walks into a chair Then a table....
The other day I got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it, you know what I call that? I call that unfortunate.
What do you call a frog that is illegally parked? Toad.
It's hard following a clown act My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together. I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
What's purple and chained to my front porch? That's my nigger and I'll paint him whatever color I want!
Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a blow job
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
Coolest jobs: 1)Beer maker 2)Secretary of War 3)Ninja 4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? You pull the pin and throw it back.
My brain keeps singing songs I don't even like.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I wish i was Batman Because my parents would be dead.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Cop: A ghost killed your family? Guy: Yes! Cop: Did u forward yesterday's spooky chain email to 5 ppl? Guy: No? Cop: Well there you go.
The way I feel when a waiter brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.
A man walks into a therapist's with just clingfilm around his waist therapist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".
Just realised why careers advisors are shit they couldn't even pick their own career
What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat? A leek.
How can you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One is weasely identifiable while the other is stoatally different.
What's the smallest instrument in the world? An e-lectron.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office completely nude, and so the psychiatrist says to the man, "sir I can clearly see your nuts."
At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him whathappened, and he just looked at me and said, "I've lost my faculties!"
How did Henry V reload his rifle? Once more into the breech, dear friends
Who is this Rorschach guy.... ... and why does he paint all these pictures of my parents fighting?
Remember... You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose.
An Anus gets into a fight with two guys at a bar he rectum
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Disappointed that there will be no Call of Cthulhu client for Linux I wanted to go insane installing *and* playing the game.
I tried to take on ISIS with a shotgun. Iraq'd and then Iran
Which country has the most crying people per km? The Soviet Onion
what do you call a band made of special needs kid System of the downs
What did Thor start calling Ironman after he learned the suit was made out of gold titanium alloy? Ironyman ... To be fair Goldtitaniumalloyman just didn't have the same ring.
Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night. Coworker: Wasn't the building alarmed? Me: Buildings don't get scared. CW.....
who is the most fun on a missing persons case? the search party animal!
What do you call a black guy that flies a plane? Pilot
Thanksgiving was like the last supper for the Indians.
What did the Italian man who was feeling under the weather say when asked if he was attending the office Christmas party? No, I'm a Sikh.
TIL After years of research, scientists have positively concluded that the most effective way to make your penis bigger is using a magnifying glass
What's red, white, and full of holes? Helen Keller's face after she tries to use a fork.
A Lawyer walks into a bar He tries his hardest, and passes the exam.
You know you have a struggle of being a Vietnamese When your first name is Dat, last name is Ho and the teachers call the whole thing out
What do you call an ugly Spanish chemist? Iron Oxide
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine. 299 of them are Nestle.
How can you tell a dog from a tomato? The tomato is red.
Erectile dysfunction is a serious condition. It ain't nothing to fuck with.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is. Have kids, they said.
I was going to tell a Mexican joke... but that's just crossing the border
Job security: calling my boss and posing as a problematic customer so he'll realize he still needs me while I'm on vacation.
Old Stupid Joke http://www.digg.com
What do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig!
What's Donald Trump's favorite album to listen to? The Wall
my doctor told me to watch my drinking and so i bought some mirrors
The minimum wage in Canada is 9 compliments an hour
What do you call an alligator that always starts fights? An instigator!
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
The ONLY reason I'm voting for Hillary Clinton George Soros :(
Son - Dad, you wanted a boy or a girl? Dad - seriously son, i just wanted to fuck.
Still carry my keys one-poking-out-like-a-weapon-style in case I'm attacked by a not very tough rapist with thin skin.
What do you get when you cross a highway with a lawnmower? Killed.
If your smartphone is wet.. .. put it into a bottle of rice. The rice will then attract asians who will repair it.
A husband finds his wife in bed with three men. He says, "Well, hello, hello, hello! His wife says, "Aren't you going to say hello to me?"
So a gay guy just bought a house... He is now a Homowner
First rule of Botox club: Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
How many Swedes does it take to clean a men's bathroom? None because they pee sitting down.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She's buying tequila and a quart of motor oil. Sure like to know that story
Why do Asian girls have small breasts? Because their fathers want them to have A's.
Holocaust joke best joke A jew is disobeing order in a work camp. SS officer comes to him showing 2 soap bars in the hand: "This is your mother and this your father"
A fat Man is a joke... AND a fat woman is two jokes- one on herself and the other on her husband.
I want a kiss cam at my funeral
I went to check out a premature ejaculators' support group this morning  But it turns out it's tomorrow.
What are some outstanding hamburger colleges? Brandeis Cowlifornia State Hoofstra Pen State Ranchelaer  Polytechnic Burgereley and Moosouri!
Math class is like a penis... Its long and hard, unless you're asian!
What's the difference between a snowwoman and a snowman? Snowballs.
I start a new job in Seoul next week... ...I thought it might be a good Korea move.
Did you hear the rumour about butter? Never mind, I better not spread it.
What do you call a male seamstress? A homosexual.
So the other day I went into a local shop with a sign that read "Therapist" They should really put a larger space between the "e" and the "r"
What do you call a big irish spider ? Paddy long legs !
If you play the "Strawberry Fields Forever" record backwards, you can quietly hear your roommate saying, "Get a job, Megan."
I Am Not A Lawyer I ANAL.
What's the difference between you and a bag of shit? You're not in a bag.
Dang girl you're so hot because you have all the physical attributes that the general media has conditioned me to find attractive.
Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity's sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it's sex. S-E-X.
How are women like tornadoes? At first there's lots of blowing and sucking, then your house is gone.
[updating CW's iPhone] M: You need more gigs CW: I don't need no gigs I got a job Having a smart phone doesn't make you smart.
I have the best prison name Mitochondria
What is Benedict Cumberbatch going as for Halloween? Benedict Pumpkinpatch
Last autumn, a nice flower salesmen sold me some poppies in some cool cylinders. Oh boy! Two more months and here I come, fall opiate tubes!
Why can't Helen Keller drive? because she's dead
Her: Well, I know I told you that. Me: *closes eyes* Her: What are you doing? Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
A liberal, a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar. The bartender says "Afternoon, Mitt! What can I get for you?"
What did one muffin say to the other muffin? Nothing, because muffins can't talk..
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I like my women like I like my coffee.
If your conspiracy theory doesn't involve cats, don't bother me.
That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage
Why can't T-Rex's high five? Because they're all dead.
Want to hear a joke about toilet paper? Nevermind... it's tearable.
Going commando is the closest I'll ever get to joining the army.
Yo momma so short and poor... ...that she gotta reach up to touch rock bottom.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
How do pirates agree with each other over long distances? With their aye-phones.
(NSFW) They've finally published my self-help book about having sex with herbs It's about fucking thyme.
From my 3yr old nephew: Why do chickens sit on their eggs? Because they don't have chairs.
My son and I don't get along. I call him a son of a bitch. He calls me a motherfucker. Technically we're both right.
Morse code is like taking a shower with black guys and asian Long short long long long short long short short
Why'd the man buy a 30 pack of condoms instead of the 10 pack... So he'd get the best bang for his buck.
[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents] OK NOBODY MOVE *from back office* Aw c'mon man - really? It's tough enough in this economy.
I saw a car with "Wash Me" written on it, so I set it on fire. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow cars to become sentient!
Add an exclamation point to an email BOOM you're a morning person.
Whip cream bikinis are cool but please don't wear chicken gravy again. That's just wrong.
Why is a good husband like bread dough? Because his wife needs him.
What does my mom and a turkey have in common? They both died on Thanksgiving
Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)
What does a guy think in the middle of a blowjob? Fuck i'm broke.
Why wouldn't Chad Kroeger (lead singer of Nickelback) have sex with Helen Keller? Because she's a woman!
Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who?
What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink? A slipped disk.
What did the baseball manager do when he needed another man in the bullpen? He took a can of orange juice from the freezer and made a pitcher.
Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
I just did an alignment on my car... But my car still pulls into crowds :(
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me........ Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Can someone please explain this joke to me? How do you get the elephant out of the theatre? You can't. It's in his blood.
Before scientists discovered... Before scientists discovered that the "I before E except after C" rule wasn't universal, they were called sceintists.
Why did the blind fly starve to death?? Because he couldn't see shit
What do pink flamingos have on their front lawns? Plastic Italians.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh! Aaand I'm out
Welcome to Chili's here's your dirty fork, don't forget to spit on our hostess on the way out.
What did the cheese say to itself in the in the mirror? halloumi
Man walks into a bar... ...with a piece of tarmac under his arm, says to the barman 'give us a pint and one for the road...'
I was dating a radiologist... but it didn't work out: she could see right though me.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather. ME: IT'S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT'S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.
I NEED A JOKE! I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT SUBJECT BUT I REALLY NEED A JOKE THAT INCLUDES -a farmers field -a pack of dogs -burning house -a hospital -set in the nighttime Thanks so much
The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
What's /r/blackpeopletwitter's favourite charity? ox-fam
What do you call a wall st. executive that sucks at his job and is obsessed with his ex girlfriend? A broke stalker!
So i recently came over my ex... Hit her right in the eye! Sorry.
Hear about the oriental tailor that got arrested for being too arrogant with his customers? He was always feeling cocky.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT *Journalbot enters my study* ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. "polargeists" [very sad robot noises]
Dad do you like baked apples? Yes son why?  The orchard's on fire.
A joke from a substitute German teacher (who was later fired) What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? -Refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out of it.
What do you call an April Fool's!
[me as a magician] *pulls rabbit from hat* AUDIENCE: ooOoOo *pulls knife from hat* A: ooOoOo *pulls sautee pan from hat* A: NNOOOOOO
Difference between a 4 year old and a nightclub? I don't need a bottle of lube to get into a nightclub.
What do call a disgraceful Asian Nothing they're not your child anymore
Poor Pascal... he gets no girls at all... but at least his name is the SI derived unit of pressure used to quantify internal pressure, stress, ... Coincidence?
What do you call coffee for jews? Hebrew.
How to get laid: HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.
Why do hurricanes have girl names? First they are all wild and wet, then they take your house.
What did the donut say to the loaf of bread? If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!
What does a Mexican have in common with a cue ball? The harder you hit em' the more English you get outta em'!
What do oranges, and Jews have in common? They both hate concentration camps.
Knock Knock Who's there ... Fuck You
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... If you're a good enough thrower!
ladies, sometimes you only get a personalized ringtone so guys like me don't even have to get up to ignore your call.
Why were there 5 Mexicans in a Ford? It was a Fiesta
Dear America: it's called English for a reason. They invented it. It's not "English" spelling. It's correct spelling... This is a subtweet.
What do you get when a cow jumps in cold water? Utter udder shudder.
Dad:why are your eyes so red? Son: i was smoking marijuana Dad: don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot
What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani hospital? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Trump supporters are so uneducated! Now give us that sweet prosperous socialism! *walks onto the highway*
How do you feel about tapes and cds? Well you're gonna love it when I tape my dick to your forehead so you can see dees nuts on your face.
People that pronounce vase like "voz" make me want to punch them in the foz.
You have to be careful when telling rape jokes... You never know who got buthurt
One day, I hope you choke on all the shit you talk.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
What did southern, black children bring to school to eat? Lynchables
It's weird that gasoline smells good but tastes amazing
What is purple, blue, and white and spits out dad jokes? Reddit
I accidentally rear ended a mercedes with a midget driver... he got out, looked at the damage and yelled "I am not happy!". I replied "fine, which one are you then?"
Why didn't the patient sue the dentist for pulling the wrong tooth? Because it was accidental.
A blind man walks into a bar and a table and a chair
Michael Jackson's last words "Take me to the children's hospital."
What goes around the world yet stays in the corner? Stamp
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple. What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
Why did the horse miss the joust? He had the knight off!
A night-shift nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says... "Oh damn it, some asshole has my pen!"
The battery level on my phone pretty much dictates my life.
What's that one song that's like "duh duh duhduh duh" and they sing about girls and clubs and dancing. I think it's Top 40, if that helps.
*20-something kangaroo calling mom* yea so i thought maybe i could get back in the pouchlike just for a few months til i figure things out
"I'm so lucky to have you."--- Me to my hand. No, it's not what you think. I just watched Hook.
What's the best part about banging Jessica Alba? You'll know if she was faking it.
KNOCK KNOCK!? Knock knock? -whuz diz? Opportunity -nigga be lying opportunity doesn't knock twice
As we celebrate Awareness Month, please retweet this if you know anyone, or know anyone who knows anyone.
My father told me a joke. How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb? He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.
When I bring a girl back to my bedroom, I tell her "this is where the magic happens", then I pull a rabbit out of a hat.
Jesus loves you... ...with his whole mouth.
Why was the teacher arrested for writing in permanent marker? He wrote "1 + 0 = 0" and then spent the rest of the lesson trying to rub one out...
100 ways to reach me: 1.) Text Me. 2.) Call Me. 2.) E-Mail. 3.) FB .... 98.) Homing Pigeon. 99.) Signal Flares. 100.) Voice Mail
What do you call mixing hard liquor into coffee? Getting ready for work
What do you call a black person that can fly a plane? A pilot, you racist fucks. P.S Wasn't that well received in anti-jokes, so I figured it might work better here.
In dog beers I've only had 2.
Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost? It had a nervous breakdown.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Why do jewish women like circumcised penises? What jew doesn't like 10% off?
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
Sometimes I use big words I don't understand to make myself look more photosynthesis
Q: Why are bison such good musicians? A: They have fantastic horns.
Pokemon go should contact Hillary Clinton. I hear she has some servers
What's the best way to kill a bug? Just bug him to death.
Oscars night, Leonardo DiCaprio walks to the stage... Steve Harvey follows suit...
What do you call gay Jewish people? REAL FRUIT JEWS xD
I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just REGULAR donuts.
Who won the first Tour de France? The Panzer SS 1st Division
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common? A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish? Because other people took the bait.
My finger just touched a public toilet seat. I don't want to be all dramatic about it so I'll just say goodbye forever.
How do you make a plumber cry? murder his family.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.
[nsfw] why do Jewish women prefer circumcised men? They'll take anything that's 30% off
Did you hear about the Mexican train robber He had Loco motives
My wife told me to give her 12" and make her scream... So I did her 3 times in the poop chute and wiped my junk on the curtain. (can't remember where I stole this from)
Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living? He burns his lips on the tail pipes.
Charles Dickens' book on wine making, Grape Expectations.
What type of underwear does a fetus wear? Fruit of the womb.
What do you call a bee that produces milk? A boob bee.
What did the deadhead say when he got out of rehab? This music sucks!
What does a Russian need to drink to get his alcohol level to 200mg.. ..nothing for 3 days.
[NSFW] What is the best engine ever made in this world? A vagina! 1. It takes any size pistons. 2. It auto lubricates itself 3. every 28 days it performs automatic oil changes.
What do you call a jihadi that owns both a goat and a donkey? Bisexual.
Everyone always talks about how great Jesus was... ...because he fed 5000 people with a couple fish and five loaves of bread. But no one ever talks about Hitler. He made 6 million Jews toast.
Some inmates claimed Blackbeard was best... but I don't believe in cons' piracy theories.
If you're French in the bedroom, and Italian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom? European!
I used to be in a wheelchair.... But I kept getting pushed around. I thought this joke up at work where we deal with wheelchairs and thought I'd share.
Okay R/Jokes, what's your rawest most brutal joke?
Boy: Do you like parties? Girl: Yes, why? Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!
REQUIRED : A content developer. Salary commensurate with contentment
Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket* Him: "Where's the food and why are you naked?" Me: "Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic."
Everybody has been telling me to stop singing wonderwall... I said maybe
*Takes kids for sushi before seeing "Finding Dory"*
What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits till you're 12 to come on your face.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
Girlfriend told me to f*ck her like a man So I put it in her ass and called her Jeff
Why would the jewish cannibal eat you? For-Skin
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Did you hear about the girl with twelve nipples? Sounds weird, dozen tit?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up] Ugh, first world problems.
It's always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you've been waiting for....... "Your order's ready."
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU'RE NOT "FIGHTING" THE FIRE YOU'RE WATERING IT
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying "et cetera."
Air &amp; space museum. Shouldn't the air &amp; space museum be empty?
"Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable..." ~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I was told to write a report of waffles But I failed because there was to much walfling
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Cause 7's a nigger.
How many Redditeers does it take to post a Super Bowl "I'lll pass" joke? apparently all of them...
How do 2 psychics greet each other? "Hello, how am I?" "You're fine, how am I?"
My dog and I have a system together. We both eat, then we walk... Then we both shit in my neighbors lawn.
Hostess:There's a 45 min wait Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers! H:Let me ask my manager *2 min later H:It'll be 43 min
"Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here's the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands."
Minnie asked Mickey Are you F*****g Crazy Mickey Replies 'No I'm F*****g Daisy
What's the only thing that grows in Oakland? A: The Crime Rate!
"This sausage is the best!" She said "No," replied the German, "it is the wurst!"
Milk is probably my favorite titty by-product.
What did the autobots call Optimus Prime after he died? Posthumous Prime
Why are camels called "The Ships of the Desert?" Because they're full of Arab semen.
Today I gave my dead batteries away.... Free of charge!
I call my dick hard times.. Cuz birches always be falling on it
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia !
Why don't Africans go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He's going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That's all you need.
I forgot Rhianna's ex-boyfriend's name...then it hit me.
Average people are mean .
How do you know if a girl is ticklish? Give her a testicle.
Genders are like the Twin Towers There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject.
Did you hear about the Polish suicide bomber? 42 successful missions
What did the earthquake say to the tornado? It's not my fault.
How many people in Brazil shave? A Brazilian.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.
What's the best part about having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around the front and pretending your dick went all the way through.
I once swore in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
What do you call an invisible mom that got a sex change? Transparent
Bon Jovi published a diet book It's called "Living on a Pear"
Binoculars have to be the worst gift you can buy for a cyclops.
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?.....He walks Jk Rowling
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn't mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
According to the bloodwork I had done at my doctor's office, I'm 12 percent cake.
Now I'm not saying I plan to be a school shooter... but if I was Dylan..
If he's a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Do you know that condoms have serial numbers on them? No? I guess you haven't rolled them down all the way.
Who are the worlds fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They went through 88 stories in 7 seconds
Why did so many people show up to see the cannibal get cremated? His family advertised it as a barbecue.
How do you get a nun pregnant? by having sex with her
My 5 year old hasn't said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.
What gets bigger each time I watch a stripper? My debt.
So I was playing terraria and I got killed by an eater of souls... Damn gingers
Tanning Blondes Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks Are you two sisters? They laughed and replied, No we're not even Catholic.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep? Banned from the petting zoo.
Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this asshole real quick.
How do color blind people see porn? In fifty shades of gray
Father: What did the teacher think of your idea? Son: She took it like a lamb Teacher: Really? what did she say? Son: Baa!
How do you get a fat girl into bed with you? A piece of cake
When I said "I was afraid of the dentist", I meant the bill.
Why did the family not laugh at the Obstetrician's joke? ... Because he screwed up the delivery...
What's the common thing between Mercedes and iphone 6? Mercedes Benz...
Me and my Italian friend are opening a Chinese restaurant... It's called 2 Dum Wops
Why is Santa's Sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
What's the biggest cause of pedophilia in this country? Sexy kids
I walked into a Chinese bar and ordered the heaviest drink. The bartender served me wonton soup.
What did the hipster say... ...when he was told to get off the couch? "Nah-imma-stay"
My mum said I couldn't go out past 12. My teenage years are going to be very lonely.
It's been three weeks since I put superglue on my friend's pen. But he still can't let it go.
How do you know the name of a Pokemon? It will tell you.
How do you know if you're at a gay guys cookout?? The hot dogs taste like shit!
What's the easiest way to end a friendship? Just asking for a friend
I dislike three types of people Racists, hypocrites and mexicans
When a couple I'm friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won't ask to sleep on my couch.
My friend's star sign was cancer, so I guess it's quite ironic how he died. He got attacked by a giant crab.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a fish? Lightbulb.
Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'
I always scroll to see how long an article is before I don't read it.
What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that's your business
Why do the Japaneese have squinty eyes? Do you have any idea how bright a nuke is?
How do you choose a stupid policeman from a group of policemen? At random.
I just told my dog to "say hi" to another dog. And yes, I realize that's crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.
My asian girlfriend made me mad so I replied in text message with.. -_-
What do you call a black person flying a plane? A nigg-air!
What do pickles do to make themselves look more beautiful They get Vlasic surgery
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies] "Oh peas no!" [WHAP] "Why u bean like this?" [SMACK] "Don't u carrot all?" [CRACK]
I wanted to have dinner before 8:30pm. So I told my wife that I absolutely needed it by 7:30pm.
What happens when you cross Elton John and a sabre tooth tiger? I don't know, but you better keep it away from your ass! (Credit: Kenny Hotz)
How do tacos fair in a war? They tend to be shells of their former selves
Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of
What do you name a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He won't come.
What do you do when a bird attacks you? Duck.
What did the Reddit using CVS cashier say about the man buying condoms after he left... ...this guy fucks.
what do you call a dinosaur with a big mouth, big ass and tiny hands? T-Rump
Guns don't kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
kids grow up so fast now a days like just the other day my daughter was asking me awkward sexual questions like "Is that the best you can do?"
What's George Washington's least favorite flower? Li[e]-lacs!
An Indian tracker puts his ear to the ground And says "buffalo come." Amazed, his clients ask how he knows. He rubs his ear and says "hmm sticky."
Damn girl, did it hurt? "What, when I fell from Heaven?" "Yeah, cause your face is really fucked up."
Strange how FB doesn't automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Atoms are the biggest liars in the universe... They make up everything.
What is ET short for? He's only got those little legs.
Ultimate joke formula Q: What did (x) say to (x)? A: (Rude slang) Examples: What did the catterpillar say to the leaf? ;3 "F*** you"
Dark jokes are like Malaysian Airlines flights They're either hit or miss.
How does Moses get his tea ready? Hebrews
What 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape
What do you call a statue holding some Mouthwash? A gargoyle!
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for 'reindeer related delays.'
Baby monitors are magical When I turn it off my baby stops crying
Yo mama head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Trying not to take my dog's sighing personally.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Suck its dick
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Trailer Park Barbie ...for the parent who wants to show their child  what grown-up life is really going to be like
How do you confuse a Republican? Wrap an unarmed black man in the American Flag
Don't drink while driving  you will spill the beer.
Oh, you're having a bad day? In 1976, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000.
Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
There's a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there's pulp in their orange juice.
If you steal my tweets I'll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
What do you call a stupid skeleton?  Bonehead.
"...you can also say 'representative' at any ti--" "REPRESENTATIVE!!"
You shouldn't legally be allowed to buy Cool Ranch Doritos unless you pay for it with change while stoned at a gas station
What do you call the process of creatively making drip coffee? Arts and carafes.
Why did Micheal Jackson want to be a camp counselor? He would give Merit Badges for pitching a tent.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
What would you call a bisexual black man? Vinegar
I came. I saw. I... Oh, shit! Does anyone know how to remove semen from woodworking tools?
What kind of injury results from having an omega-3 bottle thrown at your head? A super-fish-oil wound
What do you call it when an ex pees on you? EX-STREAM!
Did you hear the one about the philosophical dentist? He wanted to transcend dentalism.
Doctor Doctor you've taken out my tonsils my adenoids my gall bladder my varicose veins and my appendix but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you !
What is Mary and Joesph's Favorite Snack? Jeez-its
It's been said that bird droppings on the shoulder is good luck... That's crap.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France? All that was left was da brie.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I could've chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
What did the ghost say during its planned act of terrorism? Allaboo Akbar.
My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..
Two guys stole a calendar and divided it equally, but they got caught. They each got six months.
I will base my art on something deeply personalfrom my childhood *childhood was full of mass-market products* *everyone had same childhood*
Mariah Carey seems like the type to sing all she wants for Christmas is you, but when you don't get her anything she throws a huge hissy fit
"Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun." - cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I swear I only have sex standing up.. I'm not fucking laying!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Finding other gay guys is a lot like trying to find a job Your only option is looking online and it's almost impossible to get anything good.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times. -I say as I climb through your window
If a giant capture you and me and made a smoothie out of us, what would it taste like? It would taste like "just us".
What do you call Nicki Minaj's buttcrack? Silicone Valley
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
Why do people call the deceased "late"? They aren't late.. They aren't coming.
What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy?
What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust? Easy Bake Ovens
"Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days" SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID
Blind Masturbation Championships Went to the blind masturbation championships the other day. No idea where I came.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None--He'll only promise "change."
What do you call a Mexican carpet fitter? "underlay underlay"
Best part about staying up late = total absence of morning people.
Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility... everyone is counting on them.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, "Y'all got a boat?" I said we have three, but they're old Fisher-Price models. It took him a moment.
If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don't have to tell me how a marriage works.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
What is the best Vitamin for friendship? B1. Because no one wants to be friends with a guy in a metabolic coma due to a thiamine deficiency.
Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy? beats me
Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common... I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.
What's the difference between a bad golfer, and a bad skydiver? The golfer goes "*Whack* Damn!" The skydiver goes "Damn! *Whack*"
how do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Press Conference: How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything? Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*
On the internet you can be whoever you want. Its odd that so many choose to be stupid.
hey girls if you sleep with a guy then tell them you're pregnant they'll give you a bunch of money for an abortion I have like 50 cars
What rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word "wifi" rather than "le signal librement accessible sans l'utilisation de fils" or some shit.
What is a zombie's favorite restaurant? Subway: East flesh!
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with my balls... I had to weiner off it.
Did you hear the bad news about the Italian chef? He pasta way.
Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn't have access to the record scratch sound effect
What's a cow's favorite form of entertainment? The moovies
Why doesn't Anne Coulter have any loose skin? She's afraid someone will make a lampshade out of it.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated
I've been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut. "There's more to it than that" they say. Whatever.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by batman
You know what they say... If a Chilean Miner gets scared and runs back to his hole it's winter for 6 more weeks.
"Hey, mate, rumors have it that you won a car in a lottery, wanna hang out sometimes?" "Yeah, it's mostly true, except it was a house, not a car. And poker, not lottery. And lost, not won".
To be used as an insult or a pick up line for a heavy set woman- "You don't need to lose weight, you need to gain bone."
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize Ayy
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My girlfriend walked in on me again while I was eating cake frosting she'd hidden in the fridge. I hate getting caught masticating.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Everyone on here complains about "the hivemind" and "circlejerk" ruining the site I don't get it, it's not like it's Comcast or anything?
A woman walks into a library and ask for a book on child birth. The librarian replies C-Section
What do you get from pampering your cow? Spoiled milk.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Meeting my friend's new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
What do gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
How many Hispanics does it take to change a light bulb..? Just Juan.
What's the square root of 69? 8 something
Why did the mexican man throw his wife off a bridge? He wanted tequila.
Miracle - something that only happens when I am not around I have that feeling that miracle is something that never happens around me or with me... does it happens with you????
How much do pirates pay for corn? A buck an ear!
For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.
Whoa. There are books on TAPE? Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.
Absolutely love holding my son, I can't stop looking at him. Whoops! This is a churro. It's just a churro.
Can putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?
Doctor Doctor I've a split  personality Well you'd better both sit down then!
I'm a shy little Pebble.... I wish to be a little Bolder
What's a nanny's favorite letter? I don't know, but it's not E.
I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion.
You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like? [cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives] Your survival instincts take over
A farmer has 178 cows roaming freely in his field. After he rounds them up, he has 200 cows.
I am quitting alcohol for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong I am quitting. Alcohol for a month.
Why did the guitarist go to prison? Because he fingered A Minor.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Ripped a plug out of the wall by the cord. YOLO
Notice: Due to overwhelming political pressure, Cracker Barrel will now be known as Caucasian Barrel.
I'm not homeless, but a lot of homeless things happen to me.
I'm at the ear clinic. My name might've been called out. I have no idea. PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.
The fourth Harry Potter book marked a huge tone shift for the rest of the series. I mean, the fifth book was dead serious.
What is red and dangerous ? Strawberry and tarantula jelly !
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? "Beat it - we're closed."
Sheryl Sandberg's husband died while exercising on a treadmill. He was trying to get his Lean In.
It's always a little disconcerting how before you trust them with your life every airline checks you in using computers running Windows 95.
The NFL has hired their first female referee. She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt? Because he was a medium
I asked my dad what our IP Address was... He just pointed at the toilet.
Did you hear about the guy who illegally downloaded Free Fallin' and Refugee? He was charged with Petty theft.
Part of me says, "I can't keep drinking like this." While another says "Don't listen to her, she's drunk."
I was researching the Jackson family tree. I got back as far as the civil war and then I hit a stone wall.
An Electric Field Walks up to a Dipole and asks, "Do you have a moment?"
When I was little I told my mom, "when I grow up I want to be a magician." ... She said to me, "you can't do both!"
Who likes debates Defish
I'd like to die like my grandfather, who passed away while sleeping Not like his four passengers...
How does a French woman hold her liquor? By the ears.
What do lawyers wear to court? Law suits.
Q. What did the salt say to the pepper? A. Hey Baby what's SHAKING!
What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly? The Millenial Falcon.
[Cretaceous Period] T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier... DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha's weird but ok 1 sec
Why did the auditor cross the  road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last  year.
[spiders pour into room] THEYRE EVERYWHERE [group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Where did the Japanese watch their movies in WWII The Pacific Theatre
Q: What is a four-letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse? A: Talk
What's your emergency? Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
Haven't worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.
what is common between a pregnant woman and a burned pizza ?? someone forgot to pull it out
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in zero lightbulbs? Indeterminate
I came. I shaw. I shanked.
Getting friends with benefits is easy If you hang around the welfare centre long enough you're sure to meet a few nice people.
What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini!
Today I was on Crimea St It was flooded.
What do you call a women with two brain cells? Pregnant.
What do my tastes in food and pornography have in common? I prefer the kind with fruits and vegetables.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I'm a gentleman. Also, to see if it's been poisoned.
No one laughed at my joke I wrote on the wall of the toilet stall... I guess I need to work on my toilet humor.
Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines? The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless
What does a bowl of spaghetti and a degree from Phoenix online both have in common? If it ends up on your wall you're probably retarded.
What is a dentist's favorite time of the day? 2:30
What do you call an inflatable dad? Pops.
What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What is the strongest bird ? A crane !
Why are Pentacostals so good at kissing? They have the gift of tongues...
bowler hat on a donkey Do you know why it's not recommended to put a bowler hat on a donkey? Because no one likes a smartass...
Most medicines have side effects... ...except Viagra has front effects. Good bye.
I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway... my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I'm having a seizure.
As I sat there twirling my finger in my hair, I thought ...I really need to shave my balls
What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base? One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence. The other is an Iraqi Army base.
A new study shows that un-vaccinated children are less likely to be autistic because they are more likely to be dead.
I want the leaves in my yard to leaf Maple I should rake them. But hey, they do spruce it up a bit.
How to Be a Librarian: 1. studySHHHHH 2. but iSHHHHH 3. eSHHHHHH 4.SHHHHH SHHHHH
Someone stole the toilet from the LA county sheriffs station. The cops there have nothing to go on.
When it comes to gay sex, I think the backwards views of my grandfather are disgusting So I might try missionary style with him instead
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
[NSFW] Sex is like flipping a coin Either way you're getting heads or tails
HumansTM they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say "ouch rocks" when walking on rocks
Why does Noddy wear a giant red hat with a yellow tinkling bell on the end of it? Because he's a cunt.
What do you call it when two cops dance? Pork Grinds
Why did hitler kill himself? He looked at the gas bill.
So I read on a website to "treat your furry friend once a week." So I bought him two tickets to Zootopia.
Wanna know a joke? Look through this subreddit, there are plenty of good ones to be found!
[Job interview] "Can you explain this gap in your resume?" Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."
Guy gets wife roses. She says "I guess this means you want me on my back w my legs in the air?" He says, "Why, we don't have a Vase?
A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets! He was arrested for attempted murder.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton  and David Koresh? A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg.
Why do pigs love Halloween? There's lots of hogsgobblin.
How many black men does it take to screw in a light-bulb? Just 1 because we are all equal and race has no impact.
A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. "Will the defendants please rise"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about the expected traffic load.
Hey other men: I'm tweeting this from your mom's phone. The implication being that she's sexually promiscuous: a big insult in our culture.
When I give people a tour of my bedroom, I like to say, "And this is where the magic happens," followed by a sad, "... magic isn't real."
Gay men are so mean. They're all fucking assholes.
Why did God give women yeast infections? So they would have to know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt too.
Why is it so confusing to play chess with the British? It's only check, mate
How many teenage mutant ninja turtules does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. It's a huge problem.
Auto-correct changed my "I'm tired" to "shut the fuck up, you unemployed bitch".
A horse walked into a bar... After assessing the danger of the situation 5 men immediately left the bar.
What's the difference between a fence and a wall? I give them a wall, and they take offense.
When I finally had sex in a hall of mirrors I was fucking beside myself.
Why did santa and Mrs. Claus go to marriage counseling? Santa only cums once a year.
What does Robert, Khloe, and Kim Kardashian all have in common? They all know how to get black men off.
Doing crystal meth lowers your risk of dying from cancer... by raising your risk of dying from crystal meth.
Why do people from Istanbul always swim? Because they're constant in a pool.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot.
Why couldn't the 5 year old go to the pirate movie? It was rated PG-13.
Had to go and find a stepladder yesterday. I never knew my real ladder.
What does a Greek man with a speech impediment say after being burgaled? "Stop those damn Thebes!"
Politicians are like sperm.. one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
"Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out."
Exposing myself to different cultures has an entirely different meaning than I thought. *puts trench coat back on*
What do you call a Chinese prostitute? Wun Dum Ho
Did You guys hear what the Jews did when they rioted? They threw Mazel Tov Cocktails
"To be perfectly honest, I'm not a huge fan of beats by Dre." --Dee Barnes [Context for the clueless](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dee_Barnes).
I went to a cemetery today. The entire time I was there my phone didn't have any service. I must have been in a dead zone.
I just got a PhD My penis enlargement operation went well. Now I am proud to have a Pretty huge Dick.
Now picture me using proper grammar Wronger
Hitler did nothing wrong.... He wanted a glass of juice, not to gas the jews!
What do you call a seafood-eating California motorcycle cop who only pulls over nuclear reactions or a radioactive decay? Fission Chips.
What did O say to Q? "Hey man, your dick's hanging out."
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Why did the hen fall in the well? she couldn't see that well
If a man tells you he'll fix it, he will fix it. There is no need to incessantly remind him about it every 5 to 6 months.
Larry is a biologist who prefers to observe his deep-sea specimens up close in the field He works well under pressure
What's the most dangerous place in Washington D.C.? Between a politician and a news camera.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that's not your Ferrari?
What is green and sits crying in the corner? The incredible Sulk.
Touching story There is a boy and girl, the boy touched the girl, girl touched the boy. What a touching story.
Dating is like vitamins If you don't go outside much you won't get the D.
My Dad got a Chia Obama head a couple of years ago. The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.
I like my women like I like my chocolate with nuts
A man is throwing out a vacuum cleaner... Another man, walking by, asks, "Is that thing no good?" "Well," says the first man, "it doesn't suck."
we regret to inform you that you've hit rock bottom
What was the last thing that went through JFK's head? A bullet.
Wife: "Would you like to help me....?" Translation: "Do it or die."
If 2 wrongs don't make a right, what do 2 rights make? An airplane.
Why do hunters close one eye when they aim? Because they can't see if they close both.
Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.
Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."
What do piggys take when they are sick?  Pigicillin!
Why do Australians take forever to play chess? Because they never make it past the first check, mate.
I told my friend a joke about last night's Game of Thrones episode.. He agreed it was well done.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 the headphone jack
it's been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can't get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Knock knock Who's there Olivia Olivia who? Olivia, so let me in my bloody house!
I take pictures of my weed because they say the camera adds 10 pounds.
Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
Every year there's a teacher I hate. The past three years it's been my 10th grade teacher.
A brunette tells her blonde friend that she can finally say that she's slept with a Brazilian. The blonde looks shocked and says, "OMG, how many is a Brazilian???
Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money
Ocean's 45: The group gets bigger each heist It's too hard to keep secrets Someone posts the next plan on Facebook Everyone goes to jail
How many people does it take to post a joke on /r/jokes One
How do you get into a haunted house? By using a spookey!
I'm always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle... ...theres too many cheet-ahs
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
Q: Why did the Eskimo wash his clothes in tide? A: Because it was too cold out tide.
How do you bother somebody with OCD 3,7,9,11,13,17,19.....
An Korean sees a gay Yu-Gi-Oh player And says " you.... Gay ... Oh!"
When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat ? He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !
I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.
Why can't geometry teachers tell good jokes? They go off on tangents.
Santa is like fathers... He only comes when the kids are asleep
Adopt 25 cats and you'll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though. -me as a therapist
If you're anxious and you know it...Clasp your hands.
Posting a Joke on reddit is like going to a bar... You see the same shit repeated every week, but you can't stop from yourself from going there.
I was raping a women may night when.., She said think of her children Kinky bitch!
Australians don't have sex. Australians mate.
if accidentally consumed consult a doctor immediately, phew good thing i did it on purpose
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout ? Monkfish !
I'm for driverless cars but honestly having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of shit 24/7
Me: Can I have a quickie? Waitress: Sir, it's pronounced "quiche".
Mummy Monster: What are you doing with that saw and where's your little brother ? Young Monster: Hee hee ! He's my half-brother now!
What do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
A few redditors wake up in hell. A few less reposts.
I hate the phrase "let me clarify" because it means someone is about to talk some more.
Did you hear Uber and Lyft are merging? They're rebranding as "Luber: For when you need to come fast!"
How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom? A Lot.
jokes what do you call a bunch of people whove been in horrible accidents in a swimming pool vegatable soup
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis. I swear that's the last time I sing "You ain't nothin but a hound dog"
You inner anus is so big that when you skydive it acts as a parachute.
Stop me if you've heard this already. -said no kid ever
Bobbing for apples is just waterboarding with fruit.
Beef jerky is already so salty... I don't understand why they give you a salt packet in the bag.
As long as McDonald's doesn't make us pay with excercise.
What do you call it when a statistician secretly gives out clothes? Discreet uniform distribution
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
How do you find Illuminati's secret hideout? You triangulate their position!
Addiction therapist: You've tweeted 36k tweets in a year. Me: Yeah, so? Therapist: What are you paying me for? Me: Material. Therapist: ...
Due tomorrow, do tomorrow.
What do you call a marijuana induced tragedy? Blunt Trauma
did you read dr seuss as a kid because green eggs and damn
Hi I am an NSA employee Tell me anything.
An orangutan in the zoo has two books The Bible and Darwin's Origin Of Species. He's trying to figure out if he's his brother's keeperor his keeper's brother.
Q: What is the proper way to address the king of the ghosts? A: Your ghostliness.
How do you fit an elephant into a safeway bag? You take the 's' out of safe and the 'f' out of way.
How do you torture Hellen Keller? Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.
Want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? I used to like tractors, but I don't anymore.
Badly built roofs... Are exactly why I have truss issues
I wrote a book about Homeopathy.... I named it 1001 uses of Alcohol.
Why do German showerheads have 11 holes? Jews only have 10 fingers.
My Pollish grandma was telling me about one of the worst periods of her life She called it the concentration cramp
a drug that makes you reallize that you don't actually like the internet that much and maybe you should go for a walk or call a friend.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bullet ! Bullet who ? Bullet all the hay and now he's hungry !
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton  and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
What do you call someone who raises the dead by giving them hickeys? A Neckromancer
[creating foxes] GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail ANGEL: ok... GOD: and make it sneaky ANGEL: you sure? GOD: yeah... real sneaky
Nose hairs must be the longest hairs on the human body. Every time I pull one it makes my arse hole twitch.
When someone says "I love you infinity plus one" I immediately love them less because of their failure to grasp basic mathematical concepts.
Where did Timmy go when the bombs fell? Everywhere.
What did the hotel clerk tell the guest with paruresis during check in? Your in 8.
I just had sex with a 16-year-old girl on an elevator... It was wrong on so many levels.
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
What happens to the losers of the tv show The Biggest Loser? They're made to feel like the smallest person in the world.
Jesus walks into a hotel... ... lays three nails on the counter and asks the clerk "Hey, can ya put me up for the night?"
TIFU Up is my horse
Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house? It swept with his girlfriend :P
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren't my thing. But, Tom Brady's kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton's dreamy, too!
Where do cannibals get their vegetables from? the coma ward.
"Please add your phone number to secure your acct." Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.
Mountain ranges aren't funny They're hill areas.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a chair. And a table.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
What do you call an element found in the ground? Barium.
A black man and his son are walking on the beach... ... the son asks "Dad, can I play with your wiener?" [](/sp) The dad says "Okay, but don't go too far."
The New York Giants.
If I were cloned I'd be beside myself with confusion. Really, I'd probably see double.
My friend entred me in a double-entendre competition That's it.
What do the iPhone 7 and the Titanic have in common? There's no room for jack, on both of them
Why did John F. Kennedy take a cab home? Because he had too many shots.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Know why cowgirls are always bowlegged? Cowboys don't take their hats off while eating.
Instructions for falling down the stairs: Step 1, step 6, step 7, step 8, step 12.
Confucius on Sex Confucius say, "It is good for boy to meet girl in park...but it is better for boy to park meat in girl."
Women belong in the house... ...and the senate too
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Why is Jesus' body bread? Because given enough time it rises
World's shortest poem titled.... Fleas Adam had `em
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.
I may have Alzheimer's but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
My wife was harassing me to do some work around the house. I said, "If I wanted a nag, I would have married a horse."
I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation... I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.
What did the Hobbit say to the Japanese man as he was leaving? Shirenara!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere
How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill two and a half men.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I like my women how I like my pudding. With their tops off and my penis in them.
How do you get a hippie pregnant? You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
The most significant change brought about in the 2ist century is the decline of photographers and photography studios. They've both been replaced.... By camera phones and bathrooms.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with "I love you?" Oh yeah me neither.
Son: Are you going anywhere Dad? Dad: No, I'm going to Romania.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window.
Why did the cowboy adopt the weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy!
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I have to take a Viagra when I take an Ambien. It keeps me from rolling off the bed.
me: *kicks a stone* mountain: my baby
What do philosophical dolphins say? What's the porpoise?
Why do you hate a nosey pepper? Cuz he's jalapeno .business
What does Reddit share in common with the real world? A messed up system of karma
Nice guys finish last. But thats because practice makes perfect.
What did the salesman at footlocker say to the customer? Shoes wisely
Imagine being the sound guy when Drake's rapping about doing it all on his own with no help. He must be like "wow um oook?"
Why do emo's always act so sour? Because you can't spell Lemon without emo.
Who do you get if you cross Arnold Schwarzenegger with Michael Jackson? Michael Wasanigger
Every year I end up have so much Thanksgiving leftovers.. Not this year though. I'm quitting cold turkey
Why does a space rock taste better than an earth rock? It's a little meteor
What's the difference between a zombie and a redneck? One is a brainless, dirty, slow moving abomination, and the other is a zombie.
Cheating on a good woman is like eating out of the trash instead going out for steak.
Why is Thors bother so secretive? Because he tries to keep things Loki...
Did you hear about the house the lesbians built? All tongue and groove, no studs. I heard they did it lickety split too!
I think I might be suffering from anorexia. Every time I look in the mirror I just see a fat guy.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don't know who's in charge anymore. I hope it's not me because I haven't been paying attention.
How did the Italians lose WWII? They ordered ziti instead of shells.
Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks... And now we wait.
Overheard: Augustus Caesar on New Year's Day: "I keep writing 'B.C.' on all my checks."
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i'm so nervous lol what if he doesn't reply??
How does Donald Trump plan to get rid of the mexicans? Juan by Juan
(Sigh) How I miss those good old days... Alas, my good old days of "morning wood" have been replaced by "morning wouldn't."
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But it takes about 8-10 visits.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I'm just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Did you hear about the guy who watched that new Bruce Willis film five times in a row? He was a Die Hard fan.
Teacher to russian student: Boris, beware, I have eyes in my back! russian student: What Are you braging about? I came from Chernobyl, I had a tail!
what's a cheap, tasteless way to kill a werewolf? Coors Lite, the silver bullet
I almost got hit by a car this morning and the scariest part was that my last words would have been "whoa there chap"
[dating game] GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo? G: contestant #2
Selling racist jokes at $1 per person... ... or 60 cents for black people.
what did coke call his daddy ? pop
George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness. In that regard, he was on the money.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
TIFU by accidentally giving my vegetarian girlfriend my Italian Sandwich from quizno's instead of her Veggie Delight Sandwich. Oops wrong sub.
"You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?" It always felt like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation...
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
I have a rude joke about Canadians! Sorry?
What do you call a zoo with only Giraffes? Giraffic Park!!!!!!! HAHHHAHAAHHAHAA
The characters from Dragon Ball Z aren't that super Just saiyan
I hate little dogs. I can only love dogs that could kill me.
What do ateists wear on their necks as an indication of their commitment to the atheism? Head.
Here's a Post Office joke Nevermind, you'll probably never get it.
Orange Jews. It's very hacidic.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
getting my hopes up only to become even more disappointed dot edu
how many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? it's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
What is the official cereal for the Rio olympics? Cheer-Rios
Officially committed to Princeton University class of 2019 majoring in women's studies with a concentration in culinary arts
I haven't swam competitively since I was a sperm.
A Priest walks in to a hotel to check in... And he asks the clerk at the front desk, "Is the pornography disabled in my room?" The clerk responds, "No, it's regular porn you sick fuck!"
It was that time of the month. I said to the wife, 'you know, your mouth isn't bleeding...' She replied, 'yours will be if you keep up with that shit'
I always make sure I have a single male friend Because he comes in handy.
Why should you tell bad jokes to cocaine addicts? Because they'll crack up anyways
Why are quantum physicists bad lovers? When they find the position, they can't find the momentum. When they find the momentum, they can't find the position.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
What Star Wars character is most likely to get cancer? Leukemia Skywalker.
What is Oscar Pistorius's new favourite band? Bullets For My Valentine
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Cereal, you need milk more than milk needs you. Just being real.
My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him dav.
Why did the left alt key and the right alt key break up? They needed some space.
What do you call an African-American baby that has tragically died and now has it's wings ? A bat.
A father says to his son, "Don't masturbate too much or you'll go blind."... The son says, "Dad, I'm over here."
Happy Teacher's day, Wikipedia.
What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave won't Brownen your meat
[first day as a mechanic] ME: i would say this car is haunted
What super hero league would Caitlyn Jenner be a member of? The X men!
My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.
How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? That's not funny.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
[Bar] HER: I want to have sex so badly ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
What do snakes use to build clocks? Metal Gears
Xbox and PlayStation get into a fight. Call the ambulance. Wii U Wii U Wii U.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.
Him: Damn, girl, are you a math textbook? Her: No, why? Him: 'Cause you have a lot of fuckin' problems.
Me: Let's try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok? Hub: Agreed Me: Wait, where are you going? Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
What do you see when a Native American Princess pokes a space smuggler in the chest? Pocahontas pokin' Hans tits
What does Batman get in his drink? Just Ice
What's the hardest thing about having a colostomy bag? Finding shoes to go with it.
What's an Islamic extremist's favorite baseball team? The new york Jets
"I think this cereal has gone bad." *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it is too cheesy.
Hillary Clinton is elected President. JK.
When it comes to volunteering on my gynecology residency, I'm the first to put my hand up.
Have you seen  www.blottingpaper.com? Yes I found it very absorbing.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
THIS JUST IN: Hooters seeks extra support due to unprecedented sagging. So yeah, Hooters is for sale.
I asked my mom if I was pretty or ugly She said both, Im pretty ugly.
My love for you is like diarrhea I just can't hold it in
Damn girl, did u just fall from heaven? Cause you are looking like the next Satan.
911: What's your emergency? "I put the Ford in affordable housing." 911: Are you flirting? "No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP"
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on the Internet. That was a close one.
Where does a pirate keep his buccaneer' s? Under his buccan-hat.
What did the Mexico team travel back home with? Luggage full of goals.
My girlfriend and I have rough sex. It's not violent, it's just poorly defined.
Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of the dog!
Paul McCartney wrote 'Yesterday' But he also wrote 'Obla-de-obla-da' and 'Ebony and Ivory' So, don't worry if some of your tweets are shit
[NSFW] Why does a walrus love Tupperware? Because he's always looking for a tight seal.
Wanna know the difference between a man and a matgarita? A margarita hits the spot every time.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An *imposta.*
what is a gays least favorite fruit? cantaloupe
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
Where do pots go on vacation? JaPAN! From my 9 year old.
What would be a good title for an Indian porno? Thank You, Cum Again
What is the first symptom of AIDS? A consistent pounding sensation in your ass.
Why did the chicken cross the road? [NSFW?] To get to the little bitch's house. *knock, knock* The chicken.
Did you hear about the blind man who took a hammer and saw?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
So frustrating when you have to text but you're home so you have to go get in the car and drive all the way to the left lane of the freeway.
I used to be into BDSM, beastiality, and necrophilia... But I realized I was just beating a dead horse. EDIT: poster does not condone the beating of any horse; living, dead, undead, or imaginary.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find.
There are two types of people in the world: Those that divide everything into two categories, and those that don't.
Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t"  Prince Harry
If you're happy and you know it, share your meds
My ex-wife still misses me... BUT 'ER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER! ...'ER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER! ......you see, i...it's funny because marriage is terrible.
Wife: What r u doing? Husband: Killing mosquitoes. Wife: How many did u kill? Husband: Total 5. Two female, 3 males. Wife: How do u know their genders? Husband: 2 near mirror and 3 near beer.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone as a light, yup that high..
One of these days you'll see the real me. Probably next week. I'm almost out of concealer.
What do you call a black dinosaur? Tyroneosaurus-Rex.
The Aluminati's plan... was foiled once again.
What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat? I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.
My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative' Anybody know what 'ternative' means?
Why did the guy from Brooklyn cross the road? None of your f**king business.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a hobo on a bicycle? Attire.
I just had Ebola cereal.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My father reminds me of Jesus Christ. Not that he resembles him or anything. Its just that he left, said he was gonna come back, and never did.
Been watching television without eating. I feel like I'm working.
An Ancient Greek walks into a tailor... An Ancient Greek walks into a tailor with a torn chiton, asks the tailor, "Eumenides?" The tailor responds, "Euripedes?"
It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey? Russia
Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.
What did the 8 say to infinity? Come on man, get up!
[At urinal maker store] Urinal maker: Let's make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL. Other urinal maker: K. LOL
Why was the ocean always sad? Because the beach never waved back.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Do you believe in abortion? Girl: Dad, do you believe in abortion? Father: Ask your sister. Girl: I don't have a sister... Father: Exactly.
How long does it take for a baby to explode in the microwave? I dont know, I close my eyes when I masturbate
Why did the tractor trailer mechanic always have half an erection? Because he was constantly nursing a semi.
What's the most popular game to play in jail? Smash Brothers
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other COCK!
What do you call a pirate who is all out of reales(Silver coins)? Long Gone Silver... /drops mic
I was going to make a joke about UDP... ...but I'm not sure if you will get it!
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled They can't even stand up for themselves
The girl I met last week said she wanted a guy who was "funny and spontaneous" I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...
How many Dallas Cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb? They don't. They just talk about when it did work.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
My friend learned today that his effeminate kid's favourite song comes from Annie. I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, The Son'll Come Out Tomorrow.
How do you separate two blind people fighting? You just simply shout: "I'm supporting the one with the knife!"
I know this may have been posted as it is fairly common, but here it is anyway: What do you call a person who had to be amputated after being attacked by an animal? Claude
"You had a bad day? Let me fix that by simply existing." -puppies
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
The definition of a fart...as told by a 60 year old woman I work with. A turd honking for its right of way!
I just want to feel as important as a person who remains on a phone call through the entire duration of a grocery checkout.
Turning on a hotel shower: making you feel mildly retarded since 1947.
So the power went out during the Superbowl (Texans Joke) Better get J.J Watt!
What's the worst thing your wife can text you after she sends you nudes? "Oops, wrong person."
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck." Note: This is a bot test
My wife's favourite drink is wine. Which coincidentally, is also her favourite hobby.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you're buying me drinks until you do.
I have an excellent memory... I cant even remember the last time i forgot something.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A Teacher asked for the chemical formula for water Teacher: Alright so what is the chemical formula for water? Me: HIJKLMNO Teacher: What are you even saying?! Me: You told us it was H to O!
My first blowjob was like my first bike ride.... Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer
Where are most fish found ? Between the head and the tail !
I dont know why its called kidnapping, Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep
My kid swallowed a torch today... It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.
Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
What do you say to a man with a broken lizard? Sorry about your reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a wanker on a plane? a Highjacker
PSA: Don't forget to set your cocks black this weekend
Two yogurts are sitting on a shelf... One yogurt starts talking about art, so the other turns and says, "wow, you sure are cultured."
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - FrankenBarbie ...comes with bolts through her neck
Why did the tomato blush when it saw the salad dressing? It was embarrassed.
An Irish guy walks into a bar... A few hours later he goes home and beats his wife into a coma.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Two blondes were walking on either side of the railway track Jokes apart
i hope jessica biel names her first child 'batmo"
two bears walk into a bar no one survived.
I like my coffee like I like my tea Hot with a splash of milk.
There ain't enough tailgatin' in this country. Folks would like workin' and schoolin' more if they could tailgate in the parkin' lot first.
*Buys world map* *Pins map to wall* *Promises to visit wherever dart lands* *Throws dart at fridge*
A virgin fingers his girlfriend for the first time The woman with bated breath exclaims "I thought you were a virgin" the man replies " I am but i also play the guitar"
Actually....The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.
Jesus, don't take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up. *hands cup of water* DON'T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Are Nicolas Cage movies terrible because he's in them? Or is Nicolas Cage in movies because they are terrible?
According to scientists drinking one can of four loko is like drinking 4 beers, 2 red bulls, a small taco, a ghost and a park bench.
What should we call this giant advertising board? Phil: We should call it a Philboard. Bill: I have a better idea...
A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Amnesia. The librarian replies, "fuck off, you'll forget to bring it back" To which the man replies, "bring what back?"
A man walks up to god and asks him, "Are you a ladies man?" God replies: "I'm a soul man."
What do Harry Potter and Kermit the frog have in common? Hogwarts!
Partied so hard last night I spilled Kool-Aide on my cocaine Punchline
If the Native Americans that celebrated the first Thanksgiving were still alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.
I Saw a Jewish Ghost Last Night... I was so scared I started to shiva.
I was screwing my secretary... ...up the arse when my wife walked in. She said, "You cannot do this to me. I said, "I know that's why I'm doing it to her."
My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 60 Now she's 97 and no one has any idea where the hell she is
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I can throw rocks further than catapults. I mean, have you ever *tried* throwing a catapult?
Did you hear about the witch who couldn't have children? her husband had a Holloweenie.
How do you make a pheromone? Tell him to let your people go.
I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Our motto is: "Hang in there, we can beat it."
You know what they said about the year old sheep that kept getting into trouble... ...he was a mutton for punishment.
The portrait fell down from the wall, And struck the young man's head. "A striking likeness!" was just about all, The rueful punster said.
I've eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
What's the worst part about being gay? Making love is a real pain in the ass.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man's endeavors.
playboy: "apparently they just read it for the articles" [takes out all nude women] every man on earth: "well this has back-fired massively"
Why does Mommy always say no? Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you'd have 20 more siblings.
Worst thing about this Californian drought... ...the the state has lost its favorite, longest-running Rivers
[1st day at work] BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here ME: That's great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
How to write Icelandic: 1) Put a dictionary in a blender 2) Blend 3) Pour onto table. 4) Voila!
Why did the chicken cross the road? Friend 1: Why did the chicken cross the road? Friend 2: To get to the idiot's house. Friend 1: Knock knock Friend 2: Who's there? Friend 1: The chicken
Its funny how guys always say they would give their left nut to do something awesome. Why is the right nut so much cooler than the left nut?
What did the zoophile scientist say to his assistant? If you need me I'll be in my lab
Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud... ...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?
 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 
Women love a man in uniform, but especially a uniform made from chocolate bars and $100 bills.
Why are most selfies taken in the bathroom? Cause that's where the shit belongs
Never take a cows job for granted: It's outstanding in its field.
What to you call an Eskimo peeping Tom? Tommy Tookalook
"Well that can't be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.
I saw a fight between two Mobius strips It was a little one sided (One of them had a Klein bottle)
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don't notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Naps are for old people. I was taking a horizontal life pause.
How did the massage therapist lose all of his customers? He rubbed them all the wrong way
What did Kris Kross tell the nervous paratrooper? "Tell her you're a paratrooper. Chicks dig that kind of thing."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bach ! Bach who ? Bach to work!
Which honorary degree is to be awarded to someone who has made contributions to PHP ? Ph.P.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me. Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too. My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My Grandfather had the heart of a Lion and a lifetime BAN from the city Zoo.
The Walking Dead Even in the apocalypse black guys end up behind bars!
If the people that drink it are any indication, Diet Coke does not work.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
yeah i like going to the gym. if by gym you mean beer and Netflix. 20 billion RTs 1 trillion favs, rted by the official white house twitter
I have what CNN is calling 'snow fatigue' symptoms include: Being tired of winter A sudden desire for spring Thoughts of murderous rage
What do you call a dizzy Asian? Disoriented.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken  over by a demon? A: A vacant posession.
My girlfriend's accused me of cheating with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How can she say that?!?!
My girlfriend was going to take my last name when we get married... but now we're changing it to Clinton so we can get away with anything we want
I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair so I won't feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
How many Dell Service Reps does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I am on hold.
I have a kinship with a racist pumpkin. I'm Donald Trumpkin.
what is hhe hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
No matter how many offensive jokes I hear... No matter how many offensive jokes I hear, this one is by far the worst. What did the lesbian vampires say to eachother? See you next month.
There were many docks along the seashore, but one of them couldn't handle itself and collapsed. Why? Pier pressure!
Date: "You're very tall! Do you play basketball?" Me: "You're very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?"
My favorite part of going out on the weekend is the 95% of it spent checking my phone.
The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was making religion cool.
When a drunk girl in her 20s screams, "Oh my God, I love this song!", you can be sure that song sucks.
FOX is adapting a mash-up of Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and Are you smarter than a 5th grader for Bangladesh. They're calling it, Who Wants to Marry a 5th Grader
Whats 12 inches long, rock hard, and full of semen? The sock under my bed.
What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.
Are you my homework? Because I wanna slam you on my desk and do you all night.
Why is the magnet on medication? Because it's bipolar
If you have 99 problems... ...you're a math textbook.
I lost 150 pounds, here's my story. Some knobhead stole my wallet.
Where are the longest hairs of the body? Inside the nose. Because every time you pull one, you feel the pain until your ass.
My website wouldn't show up, so i had to reload it you can say it was pretty refreshing
Why do they call me the fireman? Cause I turn on the hoes
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves
to discover what's going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year's 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year's chili cook off.
If Kevin Bacon is ever caught outside during a blizzard, it'd be pretty awesome if when he was found his core temperature was six degrees.
If the CIA has my house bugged they've heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
How many MRAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question, MRAs never get to screw anything.
What did the slug say to the snail? Would you like a copy of the big issue?
Store: help wanted Me: *applies for job* Store: "no, not you"
What do you call a hundred women in a tree? A cuntry (country)
I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.
I could try taking matters into my own hands... But it just doesn't do it for me.
I like my beer like i like my violence... Domestic
I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air... Worst transformer ever
I hate people who say 'age is just a number'... Age is clearly a word.
I was watching a documentary about Islam the other day... But eventually I just got bored and changed the channel. I never did get to the bomb making part! *^OC^as ^^far ^^as ^^I ^^know*
TIFU by Playing a joke on every redditor who clicked on this thread
Allergy alert: This tweet may contain peanuts.
Halloween costume... Guy 1 at Halloween party: Hey look, Steve's wife dressed up like Wonder Woman. Guy 2 at Halloween party: Yeah, it makes you wonder if she's a woman.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak.
What doesn't kill you, tries again.
What would you rather be stamped on by a herd of elephants or an angry woman in high heels... At least the elephants you could reason with
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"
I'm sexually attracted to one of my students I knew that becoming a primary school teacher was a bad career choice
So i just started a coffee shop in baghdad... ...and business is BOOMING!!
What do you call an egg that cures cancer? A keurig. Joke written by my 9 year old son.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah's ark.
People Don't even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram
Hey you hear about that gay midget? Yeah, he came out of the cupbard.
That's Odd. I can't even.
when you push a pull door and the person behind says "you need to pull" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
A man walks past someone brushing their teeth with toothpaste in a gated garden... "Cool-gate, dude," he said.
Sometimes, when I'm in the bathroom.. ...My dog tries to lick my balls... so I close the door...because that way nobody can see us.
New neighbours just moved in... I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.
What's a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
I'm going to start making my own baby food... What's the best cut of baby?
What do a call a fighting tournament where homosexuals engage in sissy\slap-fighting each other? [Tekken Fag Tournament](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tekken_Tag_Tournament)
What's worse than the holocaust? 6 millions jews
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Can't wait to start my New Years resolution in 2018!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art.
You can say what you like about pedophiles at least they drive slowly past schools and playgrounds
Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog
My therapist says I need to overcome "shame-based" thinking but if it wasn't for shame I don't think I'd get a damn thing done around here.
Want to here a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
It's no wonder we've never met an alien, i'd have a hard time developing a space program if no one believed in me, too.
Why should white blood cells never discuss God? Because they would be using the lord's name in vein
Dryer settings: - not the least bit dry - shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you
My friend told me she's going back to school for Psychiatry... I said: "That's crazy talk."
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down...and that's when things got interesting.
If God hates gays so much, why didn't he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he's more pissed that you're jealous of your friend's PS4
Rick Astly will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one... He's never gonna give you "UP".
"Grab a Pop Tart!" I tell my kids as I'm mixing up the dogs' breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.
What kind of bees make milk? BOOBIES!!!
There are two types of people in this world: Those who need closure...
Where do you find monster snails? On the end of monsters fingers.
How can you tell the clan of a Scotsman? Look under his kilt, if it's a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald.
How to be a grown up at work? Always smile and replace "fuck you" with "OK great"
My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe
What did the left eyebrow told to the right eyebrow? Hi brow
Best joke I've ever made *I open the door to leave the house* Me: It's raining outside? Mom: Yeah, and it's chilly; you might want a jacket. Me: It's raining chili?!
I shake my head at people's stupidity so often that no one will even notice if I get Parkinson's.
Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine?  They keep repeating themselves.
The Dallas gunman was a bit late. I know he wanted red whites in blue, but the 4th of July was like a week and a half ago.
A joke for the ages Le COCKoon
How many women with PMS does it take to change a... just SHUT UP, OKAY! SHUT UP, (sobbing) SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won't know until 2018.
I don't like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM. I'm not a mourning person. Edit: WHY THE HELL DID THIS MAKE THE JOKES FRONT PAGE
Toys to Africa Stop sending toys to children in Africa. It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.
What do you call a hispanic man who spilled his nachos? A messycan
What do you call masturbating on a plane Hi-jacking Never forget
Chinese girl I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
You'll have to excuse me. I've just been going through a weird time since birth.
How do you milk a sheep and make a profit? Remove the audio jack
I just spent my entire tax return on guacamole.
Canada is 50% "a"
What's the award for being the world's best dentist? A little plaque.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700. Did I spell something wrong?
What's the difference between a refugee and E.T? E.T learned English and wanted to go home
I go to McDonald's once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Texas principal: If that's a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it? Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My mom yelled at my sister " GET OUTTA MY PURSE!"... My sister yelled back "I'M TOO BIG TO BE IN YOU'RE PURSE!"
A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet  over his head. 'Are you here as a ghost ?' asked his friends 'No I'm an undercover agent".
What is a Jamaican's favorite video game? Smoke-a-mon
Overheard a phone conversation today **Father** - "What has a small dick and hangs down? **Son** - "What?" **Father** - "A bat. What has a big dick and hangs up?" **Son** - "What?" "click"
My teacher in first grade said I was stupid for "wanting to be a T-Rex" when I grew up but she died last year so who's the stupid one now?
What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP CLOP? An Amish drive-by shooting
is good joke here waht du u call sisl ngiger ))))
I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger. It was good, but the bill was enormous.
Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
What do you call a group of Mexican racists? The Que Que Que!
I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it I saw it with my own eyes
[Snow White sees her doctor] Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor? Doc: Damn it I told you I'm a mine worker not a doctor. It's my name, idiot
I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk... He said "Wow... cool! You made a 3D printout of the save icon!"
What's the scariest 3 letter acronym for a soldier in Afghanistan with a 15 year old daughter at home? IUD
Game Journalism ^^^^Thats ^^^^The ^^^^joke
Did you hear Victoria entered a boxing tournament where the grand prize was a sex change? I heard she came out the Victor
How many journalists does it take to change  a light bulb? "We just report the facts we don't change them."
In history class we got to read on a WW2 topic of our choice. I chose the Manhattan Project. I heard it was the bomb.
What do you call a deaf quadriplegic? Whatever you want
Rock around the winter clock One, two, three o' clock, two o' clock rock!
I was going to castrate myself But I didn't have the balls.
Spare ticket for Dynamo next Thursday They all Shocked to looked
Where do intergalactic keyboards go to drink? Space Bars
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Did you here about the priest? He broke his organ on a hymn
Make love to a woman's mind, and her body will follow in kind
I secretly bought some new trousers without telling my girlfriend Do you think chinos?
What do you get if you cross Bambi and a ghost? Bamboo
Your potato salad recipe is not a "family secret", your uncle Ray who cooks meth in his trailer home is a family secret.
Why does a chicken coupe have two doors? If it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan!
Spreading a woman's legs is like spreading butter... It can be done with a credit card, but I prefer to use a knife.
[confessional] me: father, gooey naan. father: what's gooey naan? me: nothing much. what's goin' on with you?
I like my Xmas turkey like I like my ass With my grandmum's fists in it, pulling out the stuffing.
What Does A Nazi Turkey Say? Goebbels, Goebbels, Goebbels
Bullshit this steak's rare. They have it at like every restaurant!
What do the Irish say when they cheers their beer? Good Mornin'!
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg? Irene
Why cant clinton stand straight? Because she is Crooked.
Two Borg walk into a holodeck. .. They wanted a simulation of all mankind.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
As a form of protest against non-moving escalators, I get on and just stand there. Hours sometimes. It's not like I have anywhere to get to.
Bath time Wanna hear a clean joke? Billy took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a clown...
I lost 189 lbs in one week. By getting a divorce.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife's selfie photo bombed by me.
Why was the horse always mad at the mule? It kept half-assing everything.
What do you call a smart blonde? A Labrador retriever
Did you hear the joke about the ageless baby? It never gets old. Did you hear the joke about Michelle Obama's vagina? It's a dark one.
Girls just wanna have funds.
if you have penciled-on eyebrows I can't hear a word you're saying because I'm staring at them
Did you hear about the depressed lactose-intolerant woman? She committed soya-cide.
my love is blind :(
I'm having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Does Robbie Williams like decimals and percentages? No, he's loving angles instead.
Accounting Joke Hey Guys Need a good accounting related joke for work, if anyone has any good ones please share
My Guitar E string broke... On another note, the D String is fine!
Who says, "Phlbbbbtfffbllph I NEED TO SAVE THE WORLD IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS phlbbbbtthhphhbbl" Queefer Sutherland.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
There was a really horrible sound coming from my car, so I asked Siri to identify it. Skrillex.
61% of internet traffic is from bots... ...the other 39% is Reddit users manically hitting refresh to check their upvotes on new posts
What's a nickname for a procrastinator? Come on, this is reddit. What's your nickname?
What does Zeus wear under his tunic? Thunderwear!
If Trump wins the election and replaces President Obama... ...orange will be the new black.
1st day of middle school & my son REALLY didn't want to get picked on but he's dressed like a dorkwad & I couldn't help myself.
Donald Trump is the only person in the world who achieved this and made a history. He won an argument against a woman
What did the poor composer say to his friend? I am baroque, can you lend me some money?
Old people poke me at weddings and tell me "your next" So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
*writes on wall in ketchup* THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED Boss: What the hell are you doing? Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
What did the bean say to the other bean? How you been?
I'm 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap? 'cause his son is 17 and really hot.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
How do you kill a fox? Cut off a leg and make it run across Canada
Anal Sex is a lot like your first car You don't really want it but your step Dad gives it to you anyways.
If I reach 700 followers, I'm gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won't do much for you guys, but it'll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Australians don't have sex.. ...they mate.
I scare off men like I'm some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet. "I'm not a clown!" I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
What is the difference between a wife and a mistress? The mistress says "Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!" The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."
Arrested for not picking up after his seeing eye dog, the blind man pleaded, "I didn't see shit!"
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Phelps can actually finish a race.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: They've been having turkey for years.
Two flies are on a piece of shit... One fly rips a fart &amp; the other says "HEY... I'M EATING HERE"
Why do jews have such big noses. Because air is free.
Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the Chocolate Factory... ...his girlfriend had been dead against it for years!
What does God do whenever he gets frustrated with Jesus? He gets out the Bible Belt!
Why is cowgirl my girlfriend's favorite position? Because she says I'm only good at fucking up.
What is the most environmentally friendly game company? The three that make Call of Duty; They've recycled their ONLY GAME, every year for the past 7 years.
What do you call a tin boat? A hydrofoil.
What does an Indian boy say to his mum when he goes out? Mumbai
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
So I said 'I love you' but he didn't say it back. We haven't spoken since. Maybe he just needs space. Vet: Your cat's fine. You can go now.
Mitt Romney is walking through heaven when he runs into Barrack Obama
My wife says I don't listen to her. I think that's what she said, anyhow.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer today I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
What do you call someone who serves smelly drinks? a Fartender
I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. I'm not sure which race yet.
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food... Neither have they.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees...... Celsius.
What is small, dark, and knocking at the door? The future
Why did the doctor lose his job? He lost his patience
An american walks into InternetIsBeautiful. [Removed because he isn't an interactive solar system map]
I have a lot of road rage. FUCK ROADS!!!
What do you call a bee with a toe? "Toby"
Do they make a Rosetta Stone for women's moods yet?
*Geography Bee* Judge: "Tell me about Yemen." Me: "Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn't breakup with Janice on Friends."
my favourite position is 68 you do me, and i'll owe you one.
Need to build an ark? I Noah guy.
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.
What do you call a pony that sleeps around A whorse
I just found out that they offer college courses on how to be a janitor... Apparently it's some pretty tough shit.
If I had a dollar every time someone called me sexist... I'd have enough money to sponsor the repealing of the 19th Amendment.
Did you hear about the blind circumsiser? He got the sack.
A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.
Why is Toblerone shaped like a triangle? To fit in the box.
Boss: Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary? Employee: I am allergic to peanuts.
A 1911 and a Glock walk into a bar.. The 1911 says to the Glock: "Hey, ugly foreigner, want to do a drinking contest?" The Glock says "You old idiot, you can only last 8 rounds!"
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Yo momma
The International Weavers Union has released a report that membership is at an all-time low. A union spokesperson called the situation a looming crisis.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed? because Santa came early! I'll let myself out.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.
What's the same with 9/11 and Goliath and the giant? They were both caused by a message from god.
What happens when a guy addicted to banging fat chicks doesn't get laid. Width-drawals.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she'd show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Today is Short Girl Appreciation Day... (NSFW) and I don't get it. I appreciate short girls every day; sometimes twice!
"So you are suffering from flatulences, grandpa?" "Suffering? No, that's my last remaining pleasure!"
How do you fit 100 dead babies in a barrel? with a blender. How do you get them out? With a straw.
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!
[Witness Protection Program] So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it'll be to blend into your new- BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
What is the lifespan of an owl? 6 1/2 books.
A proud German from Frankfurt was so pissed off when he traveled to England and people called him a Frankfurter ... ... he moved to Hamburg.
What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? Hopefully your girlfriend
Donald Trump's Best Friend Donald Trump was talking about his best friend, "Eugene Wall." He said that he liked to call him "Euge" for short.
Does the 5-second rule still apply in the Men's bathroom at Target? I'm pretty commited to this pretzel, if it matters.
Two guys walk into a bar.... And the 2nd guy goes, "I didn't see it either."
I wanted cats. My wife wanted kids. So we got a dog.
North Korea right now.
The iPhone 6 Plus sold very well. It was a huge 6s!
I just watched a boring documentary on how to build a time machine. That's an hour of my life I'll probably get back.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Why are crosses not in fashion? They're too God-y
What do you call a pen with no hair ? A bald point !
What is a rednecks favorite pie during the holidays? Pump-Kin
Had a fight with a one dimensional entity yesterday... The outcome was pretty one sided.
Love is like Wi-Fi You can't see it, but you'll know when you lose it.
I wasn't sure about having sex with aliens Butt fuck 'et
[NSFW] Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
Funny jokes for kids http://kids-funny-jokes.blogspot.com
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you're staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell "My eyes!" BEFORE she starts changing
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
A colorblind person logged onto Facebook the day SCOTUS legalized gay marriage... "Hey everyone, why are you all advertising for '50 Shades of Grey'?"
A Jew with a boner runs into a wall He breaks his nose
How do you get to a position of power in a science lab? Work over time
How do blondes carpool? They meet up a work
are u nervous? do u hav nerves? dont wory. just take a deep breath. BUT NOT TOO DEEP!!! dont want ur lungs to pop. dont want that to hapen
When a programmer is born, what are their first words? "Hello world!"
"Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again" Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.
Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW) He got off on a peel.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently 'hard' 'classic' and 'punk' AREN'T the 3 different types of rock. Who knew.
Why do white girls only go out in odd numbered groups? Because they literally can't even.
After reviewing my life, God may very well issue another 5 to 10 commandments. Sorry, guys.
I was holding my cousin's baby when I shouted SPOILER ALERT: LIFE SUCKS & that's why I'm no longer allowed to hold my cousin's baby
For tentative people there's no place like "erm".
Is a lightsaber's blade hot or cold? Neither. Its warm. *picks up lightsaber *warm warm warm*
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
What if the last episode of "House" reveals it's all been the dream of a kid with lupus?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to beat the shit out of the black guy who was originally hired to change the bulb.
What's the mass of a large chunk of tree? 10g
Dear McDonald's cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.
Did you hear about the African man who refused to accept the fact that he couldn't swim? They say he died in denial.
Why do cannibal children go to the hospital? Because their mothers told them to eat their vegetables.
What would Donald Trump say if he was Mexican? 'WE NEED TO BUILD A RAMP!'
There will only be seven planets... after I destroy Uranus
What is the most racist dinosaur??? The Tricericops
Starting to reconsider the Supreme Court decision... what are these lesbian newlyweds going to do with all the sandwiches they make if they always eat out?
"You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need."
Why did the grammar nazi request someone else's tombstone to be placed on his grave? He was a big fan of transferred epitaph.
[Ouija board] GRANDMA WHERE IS YOUR COOKIE RECIPE
If a psychic midget escapes from police custody.... ... is she a small medium at large?
I only drink to forget that my 4 year old daughter has an iPad Touch and I have to ask for her help when it's my turn to play on it.
I lost my to-do list I don't know what to do
It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
If you were to second guess your decision on booking a trip to a Native American community... That would be a reservation reservation reservation!
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with large breasts? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean!
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"
As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...
My right ear keeps ringing today. It's the left ear that means your gay, right?
What did the Spanish boy leaving for the city say to his father? Ciudad!
Knock Knock... Who's there? Anna Anna who? Another good joke.
What is the difference between an Afghanistani Primary School and a Taliban Base? What would I know, I am just a drone pilot.
Why Couldn't Bill Gates Get A Girl Friend? Because his penis was Microsoft.
I haven't heard anything from my doctor since my ear surgery. Or anyone, for that matter.
dear yahoo answers, i have a life question and i would like some bad advice and a link to a blog
If a guy says he can't feel anything while wearing a condom... Ask him if he can feel the money being sucked out of his paycheck for the next 18 years
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? An absolute ruler
double midget jokes god save me When to know to kick a midget's balls? Ans - When he's next to your girlfriend and he says "Her hair smells nice." What do you call a midget vampire? Ans - Cocksucker.
a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with 'her'
Exaggerations... ...went up by a million percent last year.
What pdf reader do Jedis use? The Adobe-Wan Kenobi Reader
My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life. A small part of me disagrees.
Nicki Minaj, Donald Trump, hoverboards, North Korea.... Oh wait, this *is* the place to post jokes, right?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today? Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
A weather forecaster took a job in another  part of the country. When asked why he transferred he replied "The  weather didn't agree with me."
I was in my coworkers office, and he said "Hey buddy... (VERSION 3.0) FUCK YOU LOL MADE U LOOK DUMBASS.
When is a rabbi dishonest? July
How did our grandparents killed time when there were no Smartphones and Internet? I already asked my mom, her four sisters and five brothers.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one then!
The game "HANGMAN" teaches our children the valuable lesson about how not being able to figure out an answer can be punishable by death.
Have you heard of the new band The Transmission Lines? I hear they have so much potential.
I heard netflix is going to start putting ads in the middle of shows Netflix and shill
What's the difference between onions and your mother-in-law? You don't cry when chopping your mother-in-law.
I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download & install Firefox up to three times faster.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
What is a pair of sheep's favorite instrument? Two-Baaas.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip.
What does a 80 yr old woman taste like? Depends.
What's the difference between a plastic tube and an adjustable spanner ? Both of em are in plastic, except for the adjustable spanner
What was the atmosphere like in the silent wooden part of a hospital? It was an oakward experience.
Call me crazy but "dropping the ball" does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Boss: Can I have a word with you? Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk. Boss: But.. Me: Shhhhhhh.....
SHOUTS OUT TO ALL THE BIRDS THAT ARE INCAPABLE OF FLIGHT BUT THEY STILL OUT THERE GRINDIN ANYWAY
I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this *Pushes salad aside*
A girl goes to the doctor, he takes out his stethoscope and says "okay, big breaths." To which the girl says "yeah, and I'm only thixteen."
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.
What do you call 10 Ethiopians tied together? A raft
I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life. If I died tomorrow.
I'm split on the topic of abortion.... On one hand I don't want to give women rights. But on the other hand I love killing babies.
Do you know why Americans think Canadians are so apologetic? It's because every time someone tells us they're American, we say "oh, sorry."
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It's a play on words.
Ever hear the one about the welfare moocher who used his government payoffs to live on lobster and steak? It was Donald Trump.
I finally figured out Donald Trump You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.
HBO cancels "Luck" after horse deaths. Their next endeavor is to make a mini series called "Glue".
if aliens show up and they're nice, we'll take them captive. and if they're mean, they'll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.
in these hard times, it's crucial to stay as positive as Charlie Sheen
why didn't the clothing drive at the homeless shelter not work out? ..nobody gave a shirt.
Whats in Olivia Newton's John? Gomer's Pile
I walked in on two mummies making out. I told them to get a tomb.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow School Nurse: Here's an ice pack K2: *fever* SN: Ice pack K3: *diarrhea* SN: Ice pack K4: *decapitated* SN: Ice pack
Back in my day... They called selfie sticks dildos.
What do you call a folder of child pornography? A pedo-file.
What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste.
"I think you'll like her. She's smart, funny, and a libra" I've never met a libra *is super disappointed when date isn't a lion zebra mix*
My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping they're more brave than I am.
Why do happy Asians always have dirty hands? "If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands."
Why are black people tall? Because they knee grows..
Being a chemist, I feel pleasure to announce that I've just Synthesised CPH4(lucy drug). I wish I could post it in r/worldnews.
What's yellow and smells like a zebra? Lion vomit.
TIFU by locking up an underage girl in my sex dungeon Whoops, wrong sub
(Age 22) *chugs bottle of water* Let's shoot some more hoops! (Age 42) *chugs bottle of water* I gotta pee.
It is much easier to hula hoop with an erection.
Dad Joke - Did the melon get married without permission? No, it Cantelope.
[NSFW] I know one woman who prefers uncut cocks... And that would be my mother, obviously.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
How does a streetwalker sing and give bj-s at the same time? She takes off her glass eye
Men In Black Men #AddaWordRuinaMovie
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies? Disney movies can still touch children.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time? Me: Wow, they weren't kidding about that permanent record thing.
I cut myself shaving today... because who has time to do both?
3YO: "How do babies get out of bellies?" ME: "Look! Ice cream!" *5 min later* 3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: "How do babies get out of be---"
Knock Knock. whos there? a beautiful girl a beautiful girl who? that was already the joke.. no beautiful girl will ever knock your door loser... edit: looser = loser
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.
I'm going to beat you up with my penis. .... It won't even be hard.
How many philosophers does it take to... ...change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".
I made my wife dinner tonight She was great with BBQ sauce
If I was a DJ... I'd wanna be called JD Dyslexic.
Someone just named a commercial service "KGB"? I would've gone with "Abu Ghraib".
When the side effect of a quit smoking aid is suicide, they really mean their guarantee that you'll stop smoking.
A recent study has found that 90% of dead people don't breathe. The other 10% didn't respond to the survey.
The nun got pregnant at the Church's Halloween party. I told her not to dress up as an altar boy...
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations ME: oh LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? I actually care when my computer crashes.
What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common? They both made the news for not being straight.
What did the judge say to the attractive woman soaked in pee? You're an eight.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and maybe use some lube
Why is Cam Newton's house so dirty? He doesn't pick up after himself.
A pirate joke kind of day. What do pirates and pimps have in common? They both say "YO HO!" and walk with a limp!
236 luftballoons* * - adjusted for inflation
Women are so desperate... 4 missed calls and 8 new text messages, CALM THE FUCK DOWN MOTHER!
What do you call a sad hat? A sombre-ero!
My Father Was An Artist My father was an artist. He had an *amazing* stroke. That's how he died.....
Knock knock Who's there? Dewt dew de dew dew Dewt dew do dew dew who? Menah Menah
What's red and orange and looks good on hippies.... Fire.
The Guyz l Shadowrun Returns l Razor Edge ep 3 l HE'S STILL THERE Hi, I'm Karmit, and I play video games...yeah... Well that's all I can really say. Just want to advertise stuff so...yeah...america...
so a cheetah and a lion decide to have a race The cheetah wins and the lion says "you're a Cheetah" the Cheetah says 'nah you're Lion'
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or somebody is going to think were nuts.
How did Caitlyn Jenner and Kanye West settle an argument? They went outside and exchanged blows.
"Hi, I'm Justin Timberlake." *notices that he's actually a large body of salt water, not fresh water* "Nice try, Mr. Timberocean."
Long distance relationships almost never work out.. Because for example: The distance from Dallas TX to Chicago IL is 967.2 mi. The average penis size is 4 inches.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar!
Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
How do normal people vs feminists laugh? Normal People: HeHeHe... Feminist: SheSheShe..
what's another word for "religion"? insurance scam
I gave a lawyer some Viagra. All it did was make him taller for a little while.
Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Cause Sheeran.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Programmers talking... \- So I heard you've got a new girlfriend? \- Yeah, she's amazing, 35-24-35! \- Deep purple?
I like my coffee like I like my women... Ground fine and stored in the freezer to maximize the freshness. Oh man this is awful. Don't kill me.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out
... You are so stupid that you got hit by a parked car!
You know as soon as my "Swear Jar" gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!
I was at a very awkward party last night in an Igloo. I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse.
If God had an iPhone, like 8 of the 10 Commandments would have typos in them.
I'm starting a new movement that encourages people to take things one step at a time Unfortunately, it's taking a long time to catch on.
Leaked CSI Reno script. Detective: Why did you do it Johnny, why did you shoot him? Psycho-killer: Just to watch him die...
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"
If you like something, don't forget to really oversell it so it can disappoint everyone else.
A little girl told her mother "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up!" The mother answered "Well make up your mind, sweetheart".
The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn't grow on trees.
What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions? An algorithm.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
My favorite Irish Joke. Two Irish men walk out of a bar.
Michael died while working at the clock factory. None of his friends were sad about it, they all said his time had come.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? [nsfw] The wheelchair.
[blind date] OK don't let her know you're a remote control "Your eyes are beau- *sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks* DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
A cop pulled me over and said 'papers' I said 'scissors' and drove off. I win.
What do you say when somebody calls you a pussy? " You are what you eat! "
Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don't ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.
USS Constitution aged Q: What was the USS Constitution's nickname after it started to rust? A: Old Iron Oxides This one just kind of popped into my head at work yesterday.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only occasionally does something retarded come out of her vagina.
There's a French guy with tourettes syndrome who keeps yelling goodbye at random people. There's much adieu about nothing.
If you only see one movie this summer, maybe see more movies, they're great!
Tiger, Lance, and now Oscar Maybe Nike should tell their athletes "Just Don't Do It!"
What do you call a criminal that cant see? A macular degenerate.
yo mama so nasty... cows with mad cow disease run from her..
I finally stopped the annoying noise in my car. I just opened the door and shoved her out.
Paddy and Michael are out walking when Paddy falls down a well.... Michael shouts down "Paddy! have you broken anything???" Paddy replies "No! there's nothing down here to break!"
We were on Family Feud once.... Yea, we fought the entire time.
It's not nice to make fun of the obese... ...They have enough on their plate.
Why can Severus Snape never become a gardener His lilies always die
I don't mind showing up to work But this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit.
Use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence My brothers girlfriends boobs are so big when she wears a ten button shirt she can only fascinate.
Garcinia Cambogia.
What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints? With a track-tor!
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
So I was in sex-ed class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69. Apparently "70" was not the correct answer.
Steelers defense, last night.
What kind of pants does Mario wear? *denim denim denim*
I just burned 2000 calories... That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap!!!
Mythology gags, anyone? What can kill you with a glance and goes "Hittthhh"? The Basilisp.
What is an astronaut's favorite meal? Launch
A single word can make a heart open. That word is "scalpel."
How do Rabbis make money? They keep the tips.
Why was the tomato blushing? It saw the salad Dressing
Banana &amp; Holes! Monkeys And Girls r same, Because They fight only for BANANA ! Boys And Rats are same, They are Always Searching for new holes..! ;)
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter... Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal.
50 Shades He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...' - 50 Shades of Macy Gray.
What do you call a blonde Jew? Goldie Lox (my little sis just came up with this...or so she said)
Did you hear about the pathological liar who went to see the doctor for constipation? He was full of shit
Here's a bit of advice. Advi
I need a full wifi description before I can even consider coming to your home
Apple Released A Pack of Playing Cards that Only has 48 Cards They removed all the Jacks
What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Irrelevant!
"I'm into homosexual necrophilia." ...Tom said, in dead earnest.
According to my Nike fuel band I masturbated 5 miles today.
Why don't you want to take a Pokemon into the bathroom? Because it might Pikachu.
If Donald Trump can become President, you can do anything! Unless you're Mexican, Muslim, Black, Chinese, to be honest any type of immigrant.... What am I saying, we're all fucked
Nothing's more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
"Always a housewife, never a house," the shed sighs as she's installed next to a mansion. No one was ever going to call her "home"...
Young Billy stuck the knife into the outlet... He said it was a shocking surprise.
What do you call a British woman with a yeast infection? An English muffin
Why shouldn't you look at a cup of ranch? Because it's still dressing.
Hillary could be the first F----- president. I would have said female, but someone deleted the emale.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.. But I couldn't find a manual.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk.
What do you call a crew of handsome Italian astronauts? Fine specimens.
"Hey, I can see my house from here!" - homeless people, almost all the time
[Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the MALE SIRI: Listen, here's what you need to know. ME: I... MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I'm speaking
A late night booty call woke me from a deep sleep... that damn cricket better have got some!
How is Disneyland like Viagra? An hour wait for a 30 second ride.
I posed naked for a magazine today Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money :)
He who hesitates is boss.
"BALL SO HARD MUTHAF--KAS WANNA FINE ME." "Grandma, just pay the parking ticket..."
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I'm not like other girls.
Just worked out for the first time in a year. Feels good to be back in shape.
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin dating Chris Brown.
Me: " Doctor can you die from Constipation" ? I'm a bit worried how full of Shit some people are !"
Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket  calculator? Customer: No thanks. I know how many pockets I have.
How did the hipster burn his tongue Because he was drinking coffee before it was cool
What do you call a group of famous people? Constellation.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap
Whats brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr. Dre
Forget drugs, with these new airline baggage fees I'm gonna have to start smuggling luggage up my asshole.
Q: What do you call a group of people who share bathroom facilities? A: party poopers
*leans into microphone* My question is for Salt-N-Pepa. "Hi" "Hey" Hi."Push It" is about takin a dump, right? "No" "Nope" *hands friend $5*
What do you get when you wear wool socks in a tortilla chip factory? Tostitos.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands... Police say that he topped himself.
Irish Jokes Megathread Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.
College Jesus Jesus opens the fridge, one of his roommates asks: "is it wine yet". Jesus says no it says 'still water'
So I was reading about the Lucy fossil in National Geographic the other day and I have to admit, she looks kinda sexy... No homo tho.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.
Yeah baby, I'm the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.
The nice thing is that now that Ricky Martin has come out of the closet there's enough room for Ryan Seacrest to stretch his legs in there.
Just clicked on an ad that said "Free Albums Here" But It linked to a download of a Nickelback album. Would have rather just gotten a virus.
Met a girl at the park today. It just felt like there were sparks between us. And as we lay making love a short time later I thought "Damn, this taser was a good buy."
Everyone should learn sign language It's very handy
Why does the easter bunny hide all the eggs? Because he doesnt want anybody to know he is fucking the chicken.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today
Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Why was the Spanish train the primary suspect? It had locomotive. (I'm not sorry)
HIM: If you're upset that people think you're weird, have you tried being less weird? ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Who wants a cold one?
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank hot chocolate before it was cool.
QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? ANSWER: Milk and honey.
If i dress up as a sea shell nobody can see me... It's my clamouflage.
Where do poor Italians live? A spaghetto.
SNL Gold: Domestic Violence A local county couple had an argument over a jar of salsa, which resulted in the girlfriend stabbing her boyfriend. But hey, you'd be mad too if he was jalpeno business.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies' shirts!
Doctor: "Sir, the results are in. I'm afraid you have a serious case of 80s Rock Bands Alzheimer's" Patient: "Oh my god. What is the cure??!"
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
What do you call an overweight Scott Walker? Scott Waddler
I tried to make a joke about unemployed people... But none of them work.
"Jesus honey, I don't know. How about a letter, a time of day, and something really Indian" - M. Night Shyamalan's parents' naming process
The mohel Q: Did you hear about the short sighted mohel? A: He got the sack.
Drug commercial just listed "death" as a possible side affect. Seems totally legit. Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron
Why did Marie Antoinette travel the world? Where else would she beheaded?
I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.
This joke is funny only today. Knock, knock. Who's there? Open. Open who? Open SSL.
Poop When you say the word "poop" you mouth makes the same motion as your butt hole when you poop. Sam with diarrhea.
I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!
What do you say to a midget that is a hooker? You must be this tall to ride.
On The Walking Dead, Glenn said "I will find you." I guess he's gonna keep an eye out for her.
Jews are so insecure... they constantly remind us their country isreal.
Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.
Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist? Because they could've easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How many NRA spokesmen does it take to change a lightbulb? MORE GUNS!!!
What do you call a constipated German? *Farfrompoopin*
I asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the vodka Turns out he was my spirit guide.
What are your guys' best Cards Against Humanity answers?
I just slapped my phone out of my mom's hand like it was a live grenade because she started scrolling thru my photos.
What's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn? You can't play football with the remote.
I always let the other person have the last word. I just ignore them mid-conversation.
You're Immature My girlfriend said that I'm too immature I said if I'm immature than why have i got an arsfor She said wats an arsefor I said shitting and giggled for 20 mins
Why does it suck to be black and Jewish? You have to sit at the back of the furnace.
I hate when I buy new shoes, and I have to learn to drive all over again.
Why is China so politically in bed with Africa? Because China is the biggest coal burner in the world
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"
Is it ok to hate a certain race? I am fine with 5km races but marathons just do my head in.
wow, i thought what we had was special, you met my family and made me dinner, now you say you're a "waiter" and you're just "doing your job"
Your greatest puns! Please, I love puns. Lots of puns. Any kind. Bring em on!
"Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza." - anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? (NSFW) You can't marmalade your dick into your girlfriends ass
*Goes to bathroom *Reaches down to unzip *Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours *Starts wearing underwear
Dark humor never gets old. Just like children in Africa.
What did the Zune say to the iPod? You da real MP3.
why didn't the bicycle cross the road? because it was two-tired.
At a train station, struck up a convo with a friendly Indian couple waiting next to me. I asked the guy how old he was and he goes, "My wife is dirty and I'm dirty two." No kiddin' oh boy
What do you get when you cross a black and asian man? (slightly racist) A car thief that can't drive.
My friend told me he wanted to join the Spanish Inquisition the other day. I managed to Torquemada it.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma'am? Me: No, I'm just dizzy b/c I'm having a heavy flow day. It's really clotty and... Cop: You're free to go.
Dark humour is like a kid with cancer It never gets old Edit: Credits to /u/CookieDestroyer66 He da real MVP.
What did the tailor do after she got hit by the lawyer's car? Sewed him
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
My father used to go out drinking all night, come home and blow chunks. why we called our dog chunks, I'll never know.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef & pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.
An Irish guy walks out of a bar... And that is the joke
What's the similarity between American waitresses and the Jewish community? They both believe in tip shaming.
A Catholic dies, and thinks he's gone to heaven .
What has got 8 legs and 1 eye? 2 chairs and a half of a fish.
How do you know if someone is a socialist? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, "Why didn't you keep them when you took their picture?"
TIFU by posting in the wrong subreddit. Shit I thought this was /r/irony
What do you call somebody who is allergic to wearing little alligators on their polo shirt? Lacoste intolerant.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
"So let's name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we'll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot"
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Are your other donkeys jealous because that's one fine ass
Wives are like hurricanes They're wet and wild to begin with, but when they leave they take everything
What's the best way to wipe a computer server? A cloth.
[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there
My professor really snapped yesterday, went all crazy on the blackboard during math lecture He really did a number on it. Its days are numbered now. Edit: grammar
Halfway through V for Vendetta... ...still waiting for Natalie Portman to evolve into Vaporeon.
TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwhich at subway... Whoops, wrong sub.
Why did the chicken? Q: Why did the chicken cross the road naked? A: Because chickens don't wear clothes.
What is a cow's favourite TV show ? Dr Moo !
"Honey, I'm pregnant" "Are you kidding me?" "That's another way of saying it, I guess, yeah"
Why does Karl Marx's toilet play music every time you flush it? Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.
Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car
Many people say they have ADD because they can't focus on their homework. It pisses me off. See, I really have ADD, and
What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration? A party line!
A vintage coin only sells for .02 cents at an auction Needless to say, he felt under appreciated.
Want a rabbit joke? Hare you go.
Just heard that distinct "baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor" sound
What did the little boy say to the priest? Haha, now we *both* have AIDS
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I'm from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
"People will believe anything if you whisper it."
A Linux Joke In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string? Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.
Why was the little shoe sad? [His father is a loafer.]( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4_OBPxJgjY) I'm here all night
If you want to know what rich people do, just follow me. I know where they live...
What's r/jokes's favorite breakfast? A retoast with butter on top.
Teach a man to phish and he'll pretend he's a Nigerian businessman.
Wouldst the genuine Slim Shady kindly arise?
There's a gang in my area... There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join. But enough about the church...
It must be terribly disappointing to go through the trouble of blowing oneself up only to discover 72 twenty year olds playing Warcraft.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?  -Hang onto your leaves this will be no ordinary breeze
Never Fall in love with a Heroin addict because even though they have a lot of love to give. It's all in Vein
What do you call a lazy crocodile? A procrastigator (I'm trash)
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He then told me about the postman and my wife.
Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Elizabeth Taylor, Bob Marley, Marilyn Monroe, "Venison's dear isn't it?", John Lennon, Albert Einstein, Bruce Lee, Steve McQueen, James Dean Pun intended
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel* Wait, you said "wrap battle", right?
Men do what they want and skip the rest. They're straightforward. If he doesn't call, he doesn't want to talk. If he calls, he's horny.
There's so many political jokes on r/Jokes, I could build a wall out of them!
My company moved offices and wanted to transfer my job to northern Canada But I was having nunavut.
Dad would you like to save some money? I certainly would son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
"Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn't going to fly." "Dude, that's a bike with a blanket on it." "My best efforts."
I don't understand why Christians don't like gay people After all, Jesus was a famous cross-dresser.
Jose Mourinhio  The Special One....... David Moyes  The Chosen One..... Fellipe Scholari  Seven One.
this is my cheat life i'll worry about carbs and a workout plan next reincarnation
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic? You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
One venti cheeseburger please.
"Bitches ain't shit" - Saint Valentine's last words.
Did you hear about the dog-walker that went missing? Police say they are following a few leads.
Why can't a chicken wear underwear? Because his pecker is on his face.
Did you hear about the guy that invented the door knocker? He won the "Nobell" prize.
What concert cost 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickleback.
A termite walks into a bar... And asks, "Is the bartender here?".
Rick Santorum What's the difference between Santorum and a feline-powered steam train? One's a kitty shunt...
Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law. It's my P.S. de resistance.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Grab onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
Satellite Radio. (Sirius Tweet)
Louis Lane "there is no way broccoli is a superfood!" Broccoli *takes spectacles off* Louis Lane "My God! Look, it's a superfood!"
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, feminists don't change anything.
There's a lot to be said for having a long term girlfriend And it's all said by her
A man dies in the desert next to a rock. How did he die? The rock is kyptonite and the man is superman.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
A guy asks his grandmother... "Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
What do Engineers use as birth control? Their Personality.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Aromatic and with a bit of foam floating at the top.
"Doctor" said the patient "I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!" "How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41
As I sit here naked in Hugh Jackman's hotel room, it occurs to me that I might have mixed up my bucket list with my wife's.
*turns on the news* I wonder if things are getting better in the wor-- tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY
What do you call a pile of frog dung? Toad stools
Conjunctivitis.com Now that's a site for sore eyes.
Thinking of starting a website that auto-tweets when you j/o. "I'm the mayor of MY GARAGE on JERKSQUARE."
What did Hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message? To e or not to e that is the question.
According to serving sizes tonight, I'm a family of 4.
Why do black cats never shave ? Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas !
I wanted to show you a new link but i can't afford the latest Zelda
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth.
There are two kinds of people in the world. There are those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
I was going to tell a 9/11 joke today... ...but I was told that it would be insensitive and just plane wrong.
What do you calls sushi in Serbia? Nishikori
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
BREAKING NEWS: They just found Hillary's emails. 30 thousand 'penis enlargement' offers.
If you've ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you're over 40.
A vulture is boarding a plane with a dead raccoon under each wing, when the gate attendant stops him and says, "I'm sorry, sir..." "...but you're only allowed *one* carrion."
Scientists Have Captured the Sound One Atom Makes and what did the atom say? "Does it really matter we make up everything."
movies never show the part in the ending where the hero drives into the sunset and has to pull down the visor
I went to a zoo yesterday... but they only had one dog! it was a shitzu (shit zoo)
How do Japanese people refer to American politicians? Parti-san
Don't you hate it, when you offer someone help and the other person says yes
Don't be that guy that goes around saying "Don't Be That Guy."
Attidude Redefined for love: I can always take care of my self... But still, i want the person who can prove to me that i can't...
Who needs a girlfriend when I have my right hand..... To make me sandwiches :)
What is red... And smells like green paint? Red paint! Whats green, and smells like red paint? Green paint :) Can't believe how many time I switch to the second, and they don't get it!
What is a double amputee's favorite video game? League of Leg ends.
Why couldn't the bike stand on its own? It was two tired
Wanna hear a joke? A joke
Judging by the number of hats on the hanger... ...and the amount of shoes underneath, I am married to a three-headed spider.
A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm  you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.
What does a woman want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine.
A deer, a skunk, and a duck went to the grocery store. When they were ready to check out, the deer didn't have a buck, the skunk didn't have a scent, so they put it all on the duck's bill.
What do you call a fish with no eyes A fsh
I asked my English GF if I could have sex with her sister today She said you can't I said no you're a cunt!
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium] AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man ME: shut up and help me butter them
What do you get when you combine someone from Colorado and someone from Idaho? A Baked Potato
My voicemail greeting: Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don't get a notification.
What do you call a group of black criminals? A "protest" apparently.
You walk into my bedroom... I'm laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest. You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
when ever yo mama farts she gets fined by the EPA for polluting.
Just watched a commercial...How is it possible that the side effect for asthma medication is shortness of breath?
I asked my North Korean friend how it was up there he said he couldn't complain...
If you prefer that unshaven look, you might not be a true hipster... These days, everyone loves hairy styles.
How Long is a China-man? I always thought he was Korean.
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name
What's the difference between regular AIDS and north korean AIDS? Regular AIDS is incurable. North Korean AIDS is invincible!
Dumb one-liner of the day: I imagine veterinarians who treat ducks put up with a lot of undeserved grief.
Did you hear about the guy who was half black and half Japanese? On every Dec. 7, he would attack Pearl Bailey.
We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I like dating black girls because...... ...I hate meeting dads
Roses are red, here's something new... Violets are violet. Not fucking blue.
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games? So that they can pack the defence!
What do you call the ring that worms leave round  the bath ? The scum of the earth !
A chemistry lab is like a giant party; Some people like dropping acid, others prefer dropping the base.
'Tis the season to pull copious amounts of tinsel out of your dog's butthole.
An Aborigine walks into a bar wearing one sandal. ' Lost a sandal dude??, ' asks the barman. ' Nah,found one, ' replies the Aborigen.
I didn't find the food in Budapest very filling, so I left Hungary.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Being football fans ... Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south ? Because Minnesota blows &amp; Chicago sucks
I like my women like I like my coffee... K-Cups.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
The hard truth is like poetry... ...most people hate hearing it.
Why would Hilary Clinton as president be good for the economy? We would only need to pay her 78 cents on the dollar.
I'm pretty bad at building fences Oops, wrong place for this post.
What's the difference between classical music and Barry white? A lot when you are having a prostate exam.
I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you.
[Meeting girlfriend's parents] Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks! <Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>
What can you tell your dog but not your girlfriend? Sit down and beg There are a million answers to this. Come on reddit, make my day better.
Why did the french chef go to the police? Escargot stolen.
What did number 2 say to number 1? you're an odd fellow
Kermit and Miss Piggy never married. He has Kermitment issues.
If you text your boss that you can't come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn't ask any questions.
You look like a before picture.
Have you got a Masturbation addiction? Message me, and we can beat it together
What does The White House and my underwear have in common? They both contain very large black dicks that can't wait to fuck you.
Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium went on a date? OMG!
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I was dating a midget but I had to break up with her. She never really grew on me.
Im going bananas Is what i tell my bananas before i leave the house.
What did the Israeli Prime Minister who can't say the word "and" say about candy that caused such a hubbub? Mike Ike's are my least favorite.
Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Why did the baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken
Sexual intercourse: It's just wanking that's got out of hand.
What is the best part about duct tape? It can turn "no, no, no!" Into "mmm, mmm, mmm"
What does a witch do if her broom is stolen  ? She calls the flying squad !
50 Cent for a 2Pac of Eminems? That's Ludacris!
People always give bridge builders a hard time... They're just trying to make ends meet.
I'm a suicide bomber with confidence issues, AMA! EDIT: Wow, this blew up!
I am going to be arrested today! Because I will be snowden!
Drank 3 shots of espresso and can now feel every part of my skin at once AMA
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply? Paul gas coin!
I heard one of the best jokes I've ever heard in my life yesterday! It was about an anti-climax.
Struggling with Christmas Presents??? If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas... Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it!
I have a life pro tip I never wear condoms
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard. I just got laid.
[interview] What is your greatest strength? "Throwing my voice" You're hired! "Ok great, thanks" Wait I didn't say- oh wow you're good
Apparently there are midget prostitutes in Thailand who cost less than a dollar. Clearly they're selling themselves short.
What do you call a fat psychic? ...a four chin teller
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Well... cats clean themselves... and we *are* out of toilet paper...
Being a child is like being drunk. Everybody remembers what you did exept you.
"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." In which case, there sure are a lot of amnesiacs on this subreddit.
Two fish are in a tank One says to the other: You man the guns, I'll drive.
What do you call a group of homosexual lions? gay pride
Why does the ocean roar? You would too, if you had crabs on your bottom!
I'm trying my best to give up using sexual innuendos.... But it's SO hard.
No, not bisexual, I said beesexual. I fuck bees.
Why does lanolin oil smell exactly like cow semen? don't ask me!
Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid. I was petrified.
How do you fix a broken Tuba? Tuba glue.
I swear, the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty.
Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?
Usually I'm quite good at telling Jokes, but sometimes i get excited and punchup the fuckline.
I want a "refrigerataur." Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way So I moved the mirror
What's the problem with tipped cows? They can't MOOve
I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Mufasa? One's an African lion, the other is a lyin' African.
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said "Well put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."
If I could travel back in time I wouldn't kill Hitler, but I would write him a scathing book review called 'Mein Kampffft."
What was Aladdin called after he went Vegan? Saladdin.
Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
I was asking my comedian friend... for some advice on my act. I said "I made a few cotton picking jokes but nobody found them funny". He said "It's simple, you need new material."
Is it okay to not like a certain race? My friends want me to run a 10k with them, but I want to run a 5k.
I stole a friend's phone today and set it so it will autocorrect "I've" to "me've" and me'm really excited about it.
What does Acetone and Hitler have in common? They're both Polish removers!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court. I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
At any time, the temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away....... A whim away.
If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
How many marshmallows does it take to get to the moon? Purple, there are no bones in ice cream!
Why do bees hum They don't know the words
Why do fish always sing off key? Because you can't tune a fish. Say it outloud if you don't get it. I made this one up in first grade IIRC.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."
What do you get your girlfriend for Valentines Day? A box of chocolate, flowers and a dildo. So if she doesn't like the chocolate and flowers she can go fuck herself.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven... The first muffin looks over and goes "man, it's really hot in here." The second muffin replies "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
What is a test tube baby's biggest fear? Dingos with straws....!! 
Apparently just because I have the "mind of a child" I'm not allowed to sit on a Santa's lap. Also it's "illegal" to carry a brain around.
I got told off for masturbating at the gun range. We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip.
God: *making Eve from Adam's rib* Adam: That's a weird way to make people God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.
"One of my neighbours had half of his large intestine removed," I said to my mate. "Did he end up in a coma?" He asked. "No," I replied, "But he did end up with a semi-colon."
3yo: *follows me into bathroom* Me: "Privacy, please" 3yo: "Oh, right" *closes door* "Now we have privacy, Mommy"
My imagination ran away with me, but we're both out of shape and didn't get very far.
What's the difference between an owl and a bungee cord? My ass
I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.
This woman I met last night says she wants a guy who is "spontaneous and fun". Yet when I tapped on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it is all panic and screaming.
Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.
I like how Subway sells "healthy footlong" sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you're eating it by the foot.
A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking" Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"
I Once Tried to Break the World Record for Most Records Broken Suffice to say, the employees at Village Music World were not happy with me.
what do you call 4 and 25 cents? foreign change
Why are African Americans called Negroes? Because their dicks grow to their knees. Negro=knee grow
*leads horse to water* "You're not gonna drink, are you?" *horse neighs* "It's The Fountain of Eternal Youth." Horse: You're not foaling me.
Thor in San Francisco Thor arrives in San Francisco and proudly announces "I AM THOR!" I flamboyantly gay man looks at him and states "You're thore? I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."
Mints I was eating mint chocolates and I felt sick after eight.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Some guy called me a siren. It's like he doesn't even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
LPT: If you crash into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen.. simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.
There are two categories of people in this world, graceful and clumsy... I always seem to fall into the ladder
What do you call a mutant with the power to get women pregnant Impregneato
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail The dock.
What's a pirate's favorite firework? M80
I've got a plan to get rid of the dollar Honestly, it makes a lot of cents
I don't watch Soccer... If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to the bar.
What do you call a woman who thinks she can do everything a man can do. Carol.
what is better than roses on your piano? tulips on your organ
A guy walks into a bar -- and sustains a mild concussion.
Why are Peter Pan's jokes not funny? Because they Neverland
I couldn't imagine my parents having sex So last night I hid in their closet and watched
The base is under assault! NaCl NH3
Gender math Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
a jew, a christian, and a muslim walk into a bar in the holyland hey it could happen, just not on a friday, saturday or sunday
Those are the whitest teeth I've cum across today.
Why aren't jokes in base 8 funny? Because 7, 10, 11.
I'm calculating how much it would cost to install lights for a little league baseball field A ballpark estimate would be perfect
I told a chemistry joke once but there was no reaction
An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river... He's still in the Nile.
Why girls don't have willys Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"
If you're going to Greece change your currency at the airport Nor sure how you're going to get 100 goats on a plane though Source: radio
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don't do this.it's a rhombus. u don't care
Give me your best "I like my women..." joke Obligatory; I like my women like I like my jack and cokes: single and inexpensive. Let me hear yours
Q: Why wouldn't the skeleton jump off the cliff? A: Because it had no guts.
After the Swiss Idol, a Bern resident was found dead in his home.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
New egg is so Corny (Have they always done this) http://oi61.tinypic.com/33kak2a.jpg
Why is the space between a women's tits and hips called a waist? They could easily fit another set of tits in there.
Someone told me Canada had no territories... I was having Nunavut.
Two old men are walking through a park... "Nice out, isn't it?" "Yes, I think I'll get mine out too."
Where do sick boats go to? The dock.
Smart-phones... The best thing to happen to sh1tting since the newspaper.
Are you a Lawyer? ... cause you're giving me the bar
I can tell if someone's uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.
First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great.
What was the butcher doing when he got caught? Beating his meat.
I saw a butterfly earlier With a tattoo of a slag on it's wing.
What happened to the man who put his false  teeth in backwards? He ate himself!
(From my 7 year old) Why should you never give Queen Elsa a balloon? Because she'll just let it go.
Sometimes i flirt and i feel really akward. Idk if the people around me are gonna hate more for it. I have this rly weird feeling in my stomach and sometimes idk why. Oh wait not flirt. I ment fart
A very very short joke Bend over Genie, a wish is a wish!
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms!
An incredible phenomenon of life A pepperoni of radius 'z' and height 'a' has a volume of pizza
I have sexdaily I mean, I have dyslexia
How did I find out my sister was on her period? I tasted her blood on my father's dick.
I want to tell you all a UDP joke ... but you might not get it.
What do Whitney Houston and Antarctica have in common? 100% chance of snow
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what's going on and you just nod
What do you call Nicky Minaj's ass? Silicone valley
What do you call getting high and having sex? A kush and push.
Do you need space? Join NASA!
Why are housing prices in Toronto falling? Because the market got flooded.
If I ever find out that my wife is going to be an octo-mom... I'm octa-gone.
What's an Arab man that drives a bus An otto-man
What do old men and the Niagara Falls have in common? Just receding.
Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.
How do you catch a digital fish Online
I Asked My Wife If I Could Give Her a Chechnyan Yacht Its where I peel back her undies and stay insider her all day.
My boss told me, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.". I'm currently sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my batman costume!
A man walks into a doctor's office completely naked except he's wrapped in saran wrap... The doctor takes one look at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts."
How did Helen Keller lose her arm? Trying to read the road signs!!!
The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can't use in the real world.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was rightI feel ten years older already.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? Synonym Toast Crunch If you said Synonym Life, please leave.
What is the car company, Kia's, main competitor? Nokia
Dark humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
Did you hear there was a sequel to The Boy in the Striped Pajamas where he visits Charlie in his chocolate factory? It's called the Gas Elevator (I know I'm going to hell for this)
How would you describe the average bully? Mean.
I've made a fortune in gambling by betting my bottom dollar that the sun will come out tomorrow, thanks to my bookie, Annie.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because their women don't want it unless it's 10% off
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
If you throw a party how do you know Mrs. Elephant is in her period? Your mattress is missing and, theirs a quarter on the dresser.
I never thought I'd love my family more than my Xbox 360, and it turned out I was right.
They're only 1 letter apart, but the difference between grapejuice & rapejuice is significant.
The Hydrogen + ion got into a fight with the Hydrogen Oxide - ion online The H + called the OH - too basic and the OH - called the H+ to acidic.
Best joke in class So my teacher says: "all men are the same" and a classmate says to her: "oh, so youve tried all of them so you know?"
A dog limps into a bar... and says" I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Why do Trump supporters enjoy polish people at his rally... so that they can say that their ahead in the Poles. Polish gram-pa said it.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? Wasabi
I know a great knock knock joke Go ahead, you start.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
How many professional soccer players does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change the bulb, and five to hug and kiss him.
Here's a Cheesy Joke For You. Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar. It was Tense.
What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints? You want flies with that?
Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don't let them see the gun.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie? ME: i love love actually actually
There's no law that says you can't make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.
The best part of waking up is still mystery to me.
Two muffins were baking in an oven... One says "It's really hot in here" &amp; the other one said "Oh crap! A talking muffin". Kristen Schaal
The winner of Powerball should really invest in a diverse portfolio There's also Mega Millions, Tri-State, and SuperLotto.
Why is Jeopardy the #1 show in the U.S.? Because Michael Douglas starred in "Double Jeopardy" in 1999.
Jesus take the wheel...let the clutch out easy [car dies] Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission Jesus: Don't test my mercy
[impatiently yells] "What do I have to do to get a margarita around here??" And that's when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.
Is trying to sell a useless set of feelings.
I'm busy masturbating when my friend texts me "What's up?" With my free hand I text "Nuttin'"
I'm glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
They found a hole in the wall at the local prison The police are looking into it
Twitter is the adult way of having imaginary friends.
a jewish man told me this... Knock knock...
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I am a good dancer.hilarious one. Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Did you know? Did you know that babies, fresh from the womb, can see all around them for 10 seconds.....after they're decapitated
What is the best part of a blowjob? The 15 minutes of silence.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side.
Mary had a little lamb, until she learned about lamb chops.
I guess anywhere they have that Zika virus... ...is a good place to go to get a little head.
"I need to do extensive reading on this complex subject before I give an educated opinion." -- Web comment that has never been made
67% of Canadians say that their favourite colour is flannel
Keep your daughters away from Olympic Track and Field events: Doctor's orders.
My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday. Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn't what she had in mind.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn't let it's daughter go to prom
what is a calculators favorite food? pi!
I like my women like I like my dragons... Jealous, naked, and atop a bunch of gold.
My wife is a computer geek and wants to name our son "one eighth of a byte" So I said "Really honey? Don't you think that's a bit...?"
What does a Syrian refugee and an American abortion have in common? White people didn't allow them to come into the U.S.
I wish I could just "like" a text message so I don't have to respond.
A Valentines joke from yours truly, Cyclops &lt;3 x Roses are Red Violets are Red Everything is Red...sigh
I heard a great Ray Rice joke... but I can't remember the punchline.
The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm tweeting this from inside his trunk.
Pity Poor Peter I feel sorry for my friend Peter. His hair's a mess. His family's nuts. His neighbor's an asshole. On bad days, his girlfriend's a c---. And his owner beats him. EDIT: Punctuation.
The comeback to every insult. "If you want my cumback you would have to get it at your mum's yourself."
What do you call a bowling alley in Brooklyn? Ebo-wling
When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm asthmatic.
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese. As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
How do you know you're on the phone with a meth head? When comcast puts them on hold and they don't hang up
Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi? Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I was woken up today by a tap on my door Odd sense of humor my plummer has.
the most American thing I've done today is pay $5 for a pre-sliced apple
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
My cat is recovering from... a massive stroke.
According to my Fitbit I've masturbated 4 miles today
What does a dyslexic zombie say? Brian's ... Briiiiiiiiian's!!!
There's nothing louder than the end of cycle signal on a dryer.
A young boy's life changed when he found out he could shoot a white sticky substance Only this young boy could also do it from his wrist. Hello spiderman.
I won't be getting any sex tonight but I beat level 15 on Bejeweled so its pretty much just as good.
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye, Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.
I'm against plastic surgery, but it's also horrifying what people are supposed to really look like.
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
This is incredible Nothing has been reposted here all year!
please spread kale over my dumb organic gluten free casket
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend's house for the evening like she didn't see me get in the pool.
As a child, 'The Jetsons' gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure
Did you hear Chewbaca won the NFL MVP his first year in the league? It was a great Wookie season!
I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokemon GO then she got hit by a car.
Yo Mama So Ugly... Bill Cosby needed to drug himself to fuck her
Have you heard about the invention of the shovel? It was groundbreaking
Why did the traffic light turn red? You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her" That's the last time I buy her an orphan
[Gets down on one knee] We can save $7.99 a month if we share a single Netflix account.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like "If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit."
mythical anciemt turtel that canot die has been found in the galapagos. "dont worry" says one scientist "we wil find a way to kill it"
They had to shut down the T-Rex cloning program at the Oedipus Complex. It was on the news this morning. Apparently, the entire staff was eaten by mother-fucking dinosaurs.
Why did the blind man swing his seeing eye dog around by the tail? He was taking a look around
"Condoms, please." "Do you need a bag for that?" "No, she's not that ugly."
What do you say when comforting a grammar Nazi? There, their, they're
Few months ago I was involved in an accident which left half of my entire body paralyzed. I am all right now.
Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log in and start posting. Hello, darlings.
Germany used to have a large French speaking region. It was called France
Did you know that a person born under caesarean section is not eligble to run for presidency? Yeah, they're not a natural-born citizen.
I would tell an economics joke... ..but there's not enough demand.
Did you hear about Treant? He's thinking of leaving. Perhaps branching out, Maybe even going back to his roots. I'm not sure I wood do that. He's barking mad if you ask me.
How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad's dick tastes like blood.
Do you know what a pirate's favorite letter is? You'd think it would be "Arrrr" but it's actually the C.
I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive
What do you get when you mix a lesbian and a platypus? A lickalottapus.
So I heard your mum is into fitness.. Fitness dick in her mouth
The first rule of Fight Club is till death do us part.
Why was the monster sitting in his Easter  basket? He was trying to hatch his peanut butter eggs!
TIL that there are over 1 million battered women in the US. And I've been eating mine plain! Who knew?
Remember, people only rain on your parade because they're jealous of your sun & tired of their shade.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.
Hello all, I have the ground type safari...Someone please add me, I'm looking for the older generation.
Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? - A: The Outside.
YES! The receipts at CVS are very long. We know, they know, everybody knows!
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
My love life is like my video game I always play single player, and I can never find anyone who wants to play co-op
Lock an astronomer in a basement... and they'll go star craving mad.
How do you give a solipsist an existential crisis? You tell me.
Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decalfinated.
WARNING: Racist What do you call a black person on the moon? A problem What do you call all black people on the moon? A solution
I got a hair cut for $10 At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.
My dad always warned me about anal sex He said son this is gonna hurt
I invited a friend over after school. I told my mom he's my brother from another mother. My parents are now in the divorce process.
I hope I never have more than one kid because the urge to superglue two children together is a crippling desire I struggle against everyday.
A young lady who had just been dumped by her boyfriend seemed unusually cheerful. Someone asked her why, and she replied that, sooner or later, time wounds all heels.
What happened when the lion ate the comedian ? He felt funny !
Auto correct changed "mingle" to "mangle," and now I've been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian you can CHOOSE not to mention slumdog millionaire?
Why did the farmer screw their sheep on a cliff? They push back harder. (Told to me by my NZ step father about Australians, of course.)
How do you say "No, I'm full" in Grandmother?
Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court? Circumference.
Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan Who would've thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?
Why are Dendrochronologists Forever Alone?
I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
What do you call jokes about eyes? Vitreous humour.
Got my left hand an awesome Valentines card and vibrating glove.
Where's the best place to hide during a zombie apocalypse? Radio Shack. Not even the brain dead would go there.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache, And then suddenly she's not your friend anymore...
I have a decaffeinated coffee table Looking at it, you wouldn't know it
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.
Q.How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead? A. The remote control slips from his hand.
What do you call a pig behind a car wheel? A ham brake !
Why is the quadratic formula so cool? Because it has 'ac'.
Why is glue white? If it were black it would run. It just wouldn't work.
What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You're just going to have to be a little patient.
[phone call] Prank caller: Hi, I'd like to speak to Agood Boi Receptionist: who's Agood Boi? Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
"Don't quote me on that." -anonymous
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce the word "unionized."
How to build a nested list 1) Start like this A) Then do this Bird: I live here now 2) Make sure to get the bird out Bird: NO
"Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"
I never shower. No hobo.
Star Wars Casting Did you hear Carrie Fischer is going to be in the new Star Wars movies? She is going to be the new Jabba the Hutt!
I've never laughed at anything any of you losers have posted here on this forum. It's sad as fuck.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"
Hear about the Hell's Angels biker who's a baker? he's bad to the scone
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
What do you call a dock that lost it's cock? A TRANSport
In 20 years I will publish a book Titled 'The Complete List of the Boyfriends of Taylor Swift'.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
15 out of 12 beers agree I can't do math when I'm drunk.
I'm really good with cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's going. - Mitch Hedberg
Now a joke for all you psychics on reddit.
What did the British gentlepimp say to his accountant bitch? Tally ho!
Why is a guy in the Navy called a seaman? You are what you eat!
If I had a nickel for every time Robert Duvall squinted while wearing a cowboy hat... ...I'd have the same career as Robert Duvall.
Not to brag, but I can still fit into my high-school girlfriend.
what do you call 2 Puerto Ricans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
If anyone has a really good fish pun... Let minnow
I try to keep it gangster, so I just walked into the grocery store and shouted "Scuze me! Could you direct me to the motha fuckin bakery?!"
What is Bruce Lee's beverage of choice? WATAAAAAR
My kid's favorite joke right now: Knock knock. Who's there? I eat mop. ... omg that is SO gross
Introverts don't get ready for a party. They gather strength for a party.
I was surprised that my Christian clothing company is extremely popular with transvestites. As it turns out, they love Cross Dressing.
He says I'm cute when I'm mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Right off the bat Cinderella knows she's marrying a prince with a serious foot fetish.
So someone decided to offer a million pounds to the first Irishman who could learn to swim... A Scotsman ended up winning.
What did the leper say... What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
What's the cheapest meat to buy? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
A Call of Duty player goes to Town... ... on your mom. Xx420MLGNoScopexX
ME: Good date? FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed ME: Then what? FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger] ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Ah ? ha ? ha ? ha ? stayin' alive, stayin alive ? ? ? ?.
I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.
My friend went into a sudden trance where she imagined she was stuck in a Pistachio. I told her to snap out of it. -She couldn't.-
A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
Why did Loki want the tesseract? to get rid of his tesserection
Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it* when did you first notice your back hurting? "after the knife went in"
Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy's now.
How can we make people tell the truth? "Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That'll scare the shit out of em"
Why can't Java programmers see well? Because of the eclipse
My Gpa said... My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
How do you cut down a hipster tree? A suuh dude!
how many Mexicans... How many Mexicans does it take to... Oh shit, they're already done.
Why can't you keep a secret from cattle? They herd
You totally had me at "I want you" and I was so excited, I completely missed the " To leave me alone" part....Sorry my bad.
Yesterday I was charged with kidnapping... That's the last time I fall asleep on a goat!
What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
Trump's ego is so big... Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off. -Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump
Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Why do white girls walk in odd numbers? Because they cant even.
So an Irishman walks into a pub... What else is new?
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines across the nation!
When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train? When it's on the train.
Having sex is like playing a game of bridge If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Why didn't the ghost have any babies? Because he had a Halloweenie! (Hollow-weenie)
Knock Knock Joke -Knock Knock! -Who's there? -The Alamo -The Alamo who? -You said you'd remember!
What is 6.9? Sex interrupted with a period!
Since It's summer here's a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift. It was an uphill battle.
Most laughs that you hear on TV shows today, were recorded in the 1950's. Means, technically, you're likely hearing dead people laughing.
No, cough syrup, you're not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.
I like my women like I like my whisky... 22 years old and mixed with coke.
When someone ends a sentence with "af" they were hastily trying to type "A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME" but could not make it in time.
My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child. She takes The Sims very seriously.
Got the cheese sweats. Got the cheese sweats real bad.
*Sets fire to city* Pppffttt... More like the Roman em-pyre... -Attila the Pun
What did the vegan say when he saw someone familiar? I've seen herbivore.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three Hos.
how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ten tickles
Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they come wet and wild and they leave with your house and your car
What do you call a spider that wants to overthrow the government? An anarchid.
"I'm too sexy for my mom." - Right Said Freud
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me. Then he turned around and asked me a question.
When my friends come over they know to ask "may I sit here" and then we look at my dog to see if it's OK
Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!!!!
I'm modest, so when it comes to sex I don't like to toot my own horn
What do you call a dog who digs up dinosaur bones? A Barkaeologist.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.
Go ahead, make up your own joke and think of it fondly as you read this.
What do you call a cow that just had a baby? De-calf-inated
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big? Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk.
My sense of humor is so dark... ...that it picks cotton.
Why should you never trust advice from a group of gryphons? Half of them are lyin'.
Did you ever hear the story about how the moose died? It's all a big moostery
Why do Mexicans make burritos? So they can unwrap something for Christmas!
Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn't like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he's not a fan.
What's the name of the scared sky diver? Hugo First
It's so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me. Yeah, I'll go with that.
What is the difference between a black guy and a bench (offensive) A bench can support a family.
Where do twin lesbians meet up? A Clone Dyke Bar.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." NSFW The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I like playing chess with bald men in the park... although its hard to find 32 of them.
me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday"
How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold it in the socket and the other to drink until the room starts spinning!
I don't understand the concept of foreskin It goes right over my head
Bi-Polar People are not too bad :) But Bi-Polar Bears are fucking crazy!
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
What is Ke$ha's favorite candy? TicTac
A person wearing a 'Snitches Get Stitches Shirt' I walked up to him and asked him where he got it. He said, "At the local mall" I beat his ass up.
What does an Arab do after riding his camel? He has a cigarette!
In answer to the question "would you have sex with bill Clinton" 87 percent of Americans responded No. Not again
What's Peter Pan's brother's name? Peter Pot. He gets so high he never lands.
Where do cows go to hang out? The slaughterhouse. Emphasis on **hang**.
Handmade things always seem to sell for extra. Apparently that doesn't apply to semen.
I think it's unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it's "sushi," but when a fish eats uncooked human, it's "a shark attack."
Obama is a cashier and you give him a $10 bill for a $9.97 item. What do you say to him? Keep the change it doesn't really make a difference.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Pornhub is down, your facebook will do (   )
A long time ago a friend of mine called me conceited, but after all these years I've found out that I'm just one swell guy.
How do you get a gay guy to have sex with a woman? (NSFW) Shit in her cunt
Being a Miami Heat fan is like high fiving Starbucks employees while the locally owned coffee shop across the street boards up its doors.
My friend took a whole bottle of chill pills and chilled himself
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'
Have you heard the joke about recursion?
Who is the 0.666 humorist here? [META]
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.
Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.
What's Hitler's favorite video game. Meinkraft
I have emo shoes. They have tortured soles.
I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
This is how I tell if someone is paying attention. You were not :D
Every tweet has 140 characters and if some of you learned the difference between it's and its you'd have one to spare.
I shot two camera lenses out of two cannons into each other at high speed... ...I wanted to make a kaleidoscope
I gave my girlfriend a picture of me for her birthday It was a gif.
You know what I love about world history? ... It's a long story
Teacher My teacher pointed to me with the ruler and said "There is an idiot at the end of the ruler" I got suspended for asking which end! :P
[phone rings] Mum: your grandad isn't well. I'm afraid he's on his deathbed Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Next time the cashier asks me if I want "Paper or Plastic" I'm just gonna say, "Doesn't matter to me, I'm bi-sacksual."
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
Hitler arrives at the Pearly Gates... ...and says to St Peter, "Sorry about the whole Jew thing." St Peter replies, "You did your best."
Did you ever blow bubbles when you were a kid? Well I hear he's back in town. Source: The Amazing Jeffery
What do you call a drunk dinosaur? Staggersaurus.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I'm calling it "Prom Nom Nom"
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
What did the Computer Processor say when it was overclocked? It Hertz.
Why did the farmer sit on a cock ? Because he was gay.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up your girlfriend's arse.
Do you like Dragons? Cause I'm gunna be dragon these balls across your face!
Someone asked me the other day, "What's with those clogs you keep wearing?" I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."
What does a redneck and yeast have in common? They are both "in-bread" Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.
Racism at its best Eeny meeny miney moe Catch a blacky by the toe If he holler make him pay By picking cotton for a day
Me: It's late. I guess I'll go to bed. -My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one "Let's put up a tent in the living room"
Why does everyone like the KKK? Cause they're the best!
I saw that Caitlin Jenner was missing... On the side of a half-and-half carton
Daughter: Mom, there's a man outside. Me: Get the net!
Don't buy a low-quality mirror. It would reflect poorly on you.
Why doesn't Hitler run a marathon? Because he can't finish a race.
I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn't work out, but he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.
-Give it to me straight doc. -You'll never walk again. -Now give it to me gay. -You'll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
Roman Centurion walks into a bar... ...holds up two fingers and says, "I'll have five beers, please."
I like my tea like I like my women.... Plain, dark and bitter!
Sorry I can't pay for a new car right now, I'm still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
"IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN" I yell while running in the opposite direction.
Yo mama is so hairy... ...She doesn't have a bush, she has a whole damn rain forest.
Daddy! I am hungry! I want to eat! You should be ashamed, son. When I was your age, I wanted to be an astronaut.
What do you call a naked baby horse? A Naked Neigh-kid
My sister went on a crash diet. Is that why she looks a wreck ?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? a pool table
If an Islamic man is murdered, what do you call it? A Muhommid-cide.
I'm 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.
Can a match box? No, but glass can.
A blonde was swimming. She swam deeper and  deeper until she drowned. Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.
I had sex with Obama last night... And I'd just like to say, let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing!
Masturbation Sometimes I masturbate into my big pussy cat and jerk off into my computer
Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
Question: what is your best comeback to being called a motherf****r? examples: yes I did fuck your mom. Tell her hi. Tell her thanks for the crabs. Tell her I want the money she owes me.
I feel sorry for Anne Frank... First she gets her diary published, which is every girl's worst nightmare, but on top of that she doesn't get any money from it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that's such a stereotype
A dyslectic man entered a Bra.
What do you calla nosy pepper? Jalapeno business
I think I might stop cussing and get all religious and shit
Why did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.
Teacher to student: "Make a sentence using the word "I" Student: "I is.." Teacher: "No that is not correct, you should say I am" Student: "Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet"!
[Doctor's Office] Seal: My flippers are sore. Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
What did the Muslim Terrorist say when he bombed Hawaii? Oahu Akbar!
There are 2 types of college majors... A B. S. major and a BS major
Q: If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? A: The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.
I love the word frequently... I try to use it as often as possible.
[Poor Taste] What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
What do you get when you blow up a police station? Bacon bits I came up with this joke 15 years ago when I was a dumbass teen.. maybe in poor taste with everything going on but thought I'd share.
Whats the worst animal to play cards with? A Cheetah.
How do you say hi Hello
What do you milk you can't see? Pasteurized milk.
The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be... 'AFKBRB'
My cat Minton just swallowed a shuttle cock. Bad Minton.
What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
What's little,metal, and will ruin dinner A bullet in your face
There are 10 types if people in the world Those who understand binary and those who don't
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Why did the man throw his watch out the window? He wanted to see time fly!
I love Brown people... but I fucking hate Muslims.
If you believe in the end of the world tomorrow... I'm going to keep making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow
Why is wrestling stupid?? It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....
She said "you look like trouble"...so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don't like people falling short of their expectations.
When someone offers me constructive criticism, it's clear they've mistaken me for someone else.
How did Mars feel when the colonists were approaching? Terra-fied.
Round Sheep A farmer asked me "Can you help me round up my sheep?" I said "How many have you got?" He said "78" I said "we will call that 80!"
They asked me earlier today what is beer made of Unfortunately I didn't know the answer as I barley pay attention to those facts.
A very Fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, 'i would like to see a bikini that fits me' Clerk...'me too'
Bodyguard Idea: Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
What kind of bird is the best pornstar? A swallow.
Scientists discovered a kind of dinosaur that could only see moving bodies. They named it 'Doyouthinkitsaurus?'
Forget everything you learn... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that's still a sports injury, right?
A woman walks into a beauty salon and asks the beautician, can you make me look like Kim Kardashian? Beautician says: you want me to put a black cock in your mouth?
What is the difference between Christmas music and Kobe Bryant? Christmas music will still be playing next year.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't, they just shoot the room for being black.
What's the difference between how black men treat their beer and their children? If a black man asks you to hold his beer, you can be sure that he'll come back for it.
Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?"Me: "I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death."
I told a man I was voting third party He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump" "Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."
EA just announced this amazing FIFA 16 feature - player is now able to run from the FBI
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
How do you get an 80 year old woman to say f***? Have another 80 year old woman yell "bingo!"
My favorite joke from tonight's debate "you have 2 minutes"
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow. At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Why did the Mexican throw his wife into the river? Tequila
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You wouldn't know, it's kind of an obscure number. Edit: I get it, this joke is just too far-fetched for you mainstreamers to understand.
TIFU: I posted my FU in /r/jokes
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
Medication for depression "may cause thoughts of suicide". If this were so for all meds then: Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I always keep at least 6 wigs in my trunk for trips to the grocery store so I can keep going back for samples
What did one ape say to the the other ape? "What did one ape say to the other ape. "
There's been a surge in public sex lately. These people are fucking everywhere.
Welcome to our swimming ool ! Notice there is no P in it.
I had a pet owl that like to sing songs to me... ...it was really a hoot.
Chuck Norris was at an interview ... And he ended up giving the guy head but didn't give him the job.
What did the little boy with no hands get for Christmas? Cancer.
**SEX.** SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. Now that you have my attention, go do the dishes for me.
What do you call a Tolkien creature who studies insects? An *Ent*omologist
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 pm The clock turned to 12:00 and I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day."
LPT: How to meet the man/woman of your dreams. Go to sleep. [Heard this from a friend so not mine and probably not hers]
How does a spider know if he just had sex with an actual female? She eats him alive afterward.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won't have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[food naming committee] ... Ok. Cow? - Beef Ground up? - Burger Great. Pig? - Pork Baked & sliced? - Ham Super! Deer? - Venison Fish? - Fish
When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.
Where do Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder go in the summer? To concentration camp.
What did one atom say to the other? "I lost an electron..." The other atom asks "Are you sure?" First atom replies, "I'm positive!"
What do you call a Trump-supporting midget having a seizure? A Foul Munchkin Malfunction
There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails, but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.
Some old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. Turns out pushing the old bitch to the ground was a bad idea.
The police were easily able to identify Will Smith as the killer. He left fresh prints.
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day ? Pupil: I get up early !
[praying in church] Please God let church end early
Obama is the first president to visit a federal prison. Hes also the first black man to be let OUT of a federal prison
Our website should have more colour more  games more sound! Look what more do you want? Blood?
I'm not schizophrenic, but he is (points at nothing)
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent's disappointment has started following me around.
You know you're getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu ... And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
A guy walks into a burn ward... and he says "hey, you with the face!"
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle? Because the parrots eat them all
Can't believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Yo momma so stupid She thinks NIckleback is a refund.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
What do you call it when a waiter at an internet cafe gets your order wrong? 500 Internal Server Error
What do you call a dog with no legs It doesn't matter that son of a bitch still won't come when u call it
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump ? One's a dumb and the other is dumber
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Google News now awards "Badges" for viewing stories. Also, remember: if you manage to finish one novel without pictures,...you get ice cream!
Did you hear about the skeleton that couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
I filmed myself having sex in 4K I can't wait to upload all 2 megabytes of footage!
I queued up for ages to get cod earlier... ...but they sold out, so I got a battered sausage instead.
Why does God like Swiss cheese? It's holey! ^^^^^get it?
What happened to the embarrassed bungalow on the street of two story houses? It got stares.
Did you hear about the skeleton that couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with!
What only lasts 40 seconds for men and leaves them hot and sweaty? A bowl of Ramen Noodles
A man entered a pun contest and submitted 10 puns, hoping at least one would win... No pun in ten did.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
And as they were eating, Jesus took content and linked to it, giving it to his disciples, and said, 'Take, eat; this is my brand'
What is John Lennon's favourite donut? Strawberry Filled forever!
Iraq has just ordered two thousand septic tanks from Russia. As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive them they are going to invade Iran.
What do you tell a slow tomato? ...what? Ketchup
Why did the chicken cross the road? To move out of range of North Korea's long ranged missiles.
BEST ADVICE: Stick to One-Night-Stands, The biggest cause of marriage is dating.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
What's the difference between God and a medical school graduate? God doesn't think he's a doctor.
I got a new thesaurus. It's terrible. On top of that, it's also terrible.
"Too soon" joke? Did you hear about that International France Futball game last night? I heard it was the bomb.
A man died and the whole country was in mourning then it became the afternoon, followed by the evening and then the night.
I've been getting way too deep into the Prague Surrealist movement lately. I think I need a Reality Czech.
What is the difference between pot and pussy? If you can smell the pussy across the room, it's probably not the good stuff.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they'd shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it
Today I got a job offer as a Mexican child kidnapper... ...Gracias, pero no pedo.
I'm gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it'd atleast be a little funny.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they're not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Its so hard to know where you're at when your boss is a powerlifter.... They just keep raising and lowering the bar
Which part of the cabbage don't you eat? The wheelchair.
What's a fish's favourite band? Stickelback!
Ronda Rousey is the only MMA fighter I can't fap to. She's the only one that finishes before I do.
Priest, pedophile and rapist enters a bar... Then he sits down and orders a drink.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it's bordering on Chile.
What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over the hill? "Here come the elephants up over the hill!"
Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China? They need clean air.
How do mussels reproduce? They shuck eachother.
Why was hans crying at dinner? Because the meat was Chewy.
They say 'No news is good news,' but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.
In the city of Chicago There are 3 streets that rhyme with vagina. Paulina, Malvina and Lunt.
How do you know when it's raining cats and dogs... you step in a poodle
Not saying it's wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
Do brothels do tight arse Tuesday? And is it cheaper or more expensive?
My first time having sex... was like my first time riding a bike, with my dad holding me from behind
NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon? I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.
Why does Mel Gibson never order a French Dip at a restaurant? Because it comes with Au Jus.
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because it ain't murder if they had it comin'!
I am Buzz Aldrin; The second man to walk on the moon. Neil before me.
The saddest joke I've heard My wife ran off with my best friend... Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.
A faster than light neutrino! Knock Knock! Who's there? New. New who?
What do you call a deer with no eye? GoodMorning! NO IDEAR!
My wife is all, "we love each other so much we finish each other's sentences," until it comes to a prison sentence.
[sees fly] Hmm... I think I'll name this creature "Fly." [sees bird] GODDAMMIT
What do you call a cow with no eyes? A cow.
Kanye West says he's the Michael Jordan of music. If he's talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.
*pushes vending machine over NO YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!
Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes. Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.
How do you know a redneck invented the tooth brush? We would have called it a teeth brush
How do you figure out how sensitive a man's balls are? Test tickles
What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn't understand is I want the world to end
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding. Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend. I'm constantly treading on eggshells. Which she also doesn't approve of.
Why was my other pillow jealous? Because I like to sleep around.
How did Saddam deal with his leftovers? He used sarin wrap
No one in traffic ever catches me eatin boogers cause u all textin and drivin
A 'Jim's Dozen' is 11, because I take one for myself.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
The word of the day is "Legs." Spread the word!
What's Obama's Favorite TV Show? Game of Drones
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks funny
I judge every book by its cover: "Too smart for me" is what I say and then look at Twitter on my phone.
"Sound the alarm!" "Dude, there's no way that thing will fit."
How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly? Just a phew!
What's the strongest letter in the alphabet? ***P*** Even Superman can't hold it.
Cop: Sir, you can't use hand-held communication devices while driving Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Give a girl an inch and she'll want the other 6 too
Why did Hitler kill himself? The Jews sent him a gas bill.
I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
Do you know why you should never program a women class? Because women aren't objects.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A's! Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Two men walk into a bar.... The third one ducks.
What does the horse call the pigs on his farm? Neigh-boars.
Why do we never run out of math teachers? Because they are always multiplying.
It's like these credit card companies don't even care that I'm an electric accordionist for South Dakota's finest heavy metal parody band.
What do you call a gummy bear with no teeth? :D
In a recent court case, the defendant was charged with smuggling bombs inside of living cows... ...Upon hearing this, one of the jurors cried out, "Abominable!" (A bomb in a bull)
What do you call a black with no arms? Trustworthy.
What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog? Out, out, damned Spot!
If bullshit could float...you'd be the Admiral of the fleet! 
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I'm really not glad to see anybody.
What did the male cheerleader say when he had to leave in the middle of a routine? "Catch ya later!"
A duck walks into a pharmacy grabs a tube of lipstick, puts it on the counter and the cashier says "that'll be $3.50. The duck says "just put it on my bill"
Babies are like farts. We only like our own.
If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
What does Charlie Sheen say when he's having sex with a Vietnamese Lady? Nguyenning!
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches.
Wanna hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism Credit: http://www.tickld.com/x/the-25-best-two-line-jokes-ever-14-is-priceless
2 out of 3 isn't bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it's bad
I'm still a virgin because I'm waiting for someone special. I have a retard fetish.
Altoids has begun marketing to the LGBT community. Their new mints are bi-curiously strong.
I'm not sure if I heard a bootleg firecracker... or a pound of dynamite.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."
[job interview] interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years? me: that's a trick question there is no c in any of those words
___________________________________ With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.
How do you know if a chef is also a mathematician.. ...the proof is in the pudding...
What car insurance do Canadians have? Triple 'eh'
What can be found in a cannibal's shower? head &amp; shoulders
I bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
What's the most dangerous weapon your wife can get her hands on? Your credit card.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears? None. He'd eat them raw!
What do you call a subreddit that sanctions free speech? [deleted]
Way ahead of you, "cashless society."
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
I'm attracted to fat chicks... ...by the force of gravity
Is my wife dissatisfied with me? A tiny part of me says yes..
I'm going to start a grocery store to compete with Food Lion I think I'll call it Nourishment Cheetah
Interviewer: "What's your greatest accomplishment?" Me: "I was in a lot of people's MySpace Top 8s back in 2004."
April showers bring May flowers Mayflowers bring Small Pox.
So I'm having sexy times With my girl when I stop and hold perfectly still. She asks "what are you doing?" I say "it's a new move I learned on the Internet, it's called buffering!"
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
People are making apocalypse posts likes there's no tomorrow.
I'm gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I'm about to win.
wife: you're listening to too much theatrical heavy metal Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
If you are American when you go into the bathroom and American when you leave, what are you when are using the bathroom? European
So I ordered a pizza I ordered a funghi pizza yesterday but I was pretty disappointed.. They obviously have mushroom for improvement
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you're talking about them, you aren't having a rough enough time already.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
your laughing style Hehehe hahaaha ahahaha ohahahooo ehahahee
Chicken and an egg are lying in bed together Chicken looks at the egg and says "Well that answered the question!"
I crossed the road, walked into a bar and changed a light bulb Then I realized my life is a joke...
Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn't mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! :)
Your so bald your bald
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
So I'm trying to get myself to be ambidextrous. I'm halfway there!
What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop? Take me to your liter!
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
When you tell someone that you're asexual... You then have two people who do not give a fuck.
Damn, girl are you Twitter? Because I can't stop staring at you and saying stupid things.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I'm glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
What's black, grey, and red all over? A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.
Ever heard of a Freudian slip? It's when you say one thing but mean your mother.
i mute every grouptext cuz friendship is cool but also generally annoying
What kind of cigars does Baby Jesus smoke? (Mmmph!) Meek &amp; Milds!!!! :0
I'm as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
What's your favorite pick up line? Mine is the Ford F Series.
I like my women the way I like my coffee. Tied up on the back of a donkey.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
When is a Jewish fetus considered a human being? When it graduates from medical school
I just got asked to work on a "special project" which is boss for "This was assigned to me but you're smarter so here you do it."
A girl told me to come over... A girl told me, "Come over, nobody's home." I went over, nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea He said he couldn't complain
What is the first question you ask a baby cow, after its gotten over an illness? How are you vealing?
Why are lazy farmers so great? Because they are just out standing in their fields.
I rang a gym yesterday and asked them if they could teach me to do the splits "How flexible are you?" they asked "Well I can't do Tuesday's"
If I had to list one thing I'm truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I surveyed 50 women on what hair product they used in the shower. I never knew there was a brand called "how the hell did you get in here?!'
What kind of sex do boring people have? Banal.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. We're very efficient and not very humorous
Some people don't like telling the truth, others don't like hearing it.
Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting: *shaking hands* Michelle: Hi, I'm Michelle. Melania: Hi, I'm Michelle.
She's so dumb, She thinks a double helix is two gay guys doing 69.
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the fuck out of the dogs.
What's the difference between a cow and Super Mario Bros? A cow can't be milked for over 30 years
If Batman and Catwoman had a kid it would be called Batcat; or the more unfortunate ManWoman.
Why did Richard leave his home this morning? For Harambe.
I have laughed at THOUSANDS of jokes where I couldn't understand what the person is saying.
What do you call a black man selling drugs? A pharmacist, you racist.
All this time I thought Bipolar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I keep getting emails about penis enlargement. The ones from my wife are starting to get personal, but it's the ones from my mother that really hurt.
What did Mr. Freeze call himself when he joined Batman's fight against criminals? The Dark Knightrogen
What happens when you piss off a blind mobster Your neighbor gets a horse ass in their bed.
They should make a movie of how WW4 almost started The sum of all spears
Two Muffins Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin says to the second, "Is it getting hot in here?" The second muffin says "AAAAHHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"
A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs
"YOLO" giggled the 53rd incarnation of Buddha
Any one remembers 'The Game' ? Now I'll fly away.
[hails Satan] [Satan pulls up in his cab]
I'm hungry A boy walks up to his dad. "Dad I'm hungry." "Hi hungry!" "Dad I'm serious." "I'm sorry serious, I thought you were hungry." The boy then dies of hunger.
How many Serbs does in take to change a Lighbulb? It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!
I got my dog from an orphanage like, two years ago. Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.
I realized today that my bed sheets are covered in layers of dead skin cells. It's okay though, I'm comfortable in my own skin.
Can't shake this headache. Perhaps the shaking isn't helping
A dead person, a 2 year old, and a thot are all asked to count to ten. Which one can do it? It's the thot that counts.
I told my parents I wanted a panda for christmas. all I got was a white x6
What did the Nazi doctor tell his fully dilated patient.? Just one more putsch.
What did the white man do at the club? Pout while all the colored folk were bumpin and grinding with all the fine white bitches
I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. She keeps screaming some other guy's name when we have sex. Let's just hope I never come across this guy "rape" in a dark alley.
Why is 88 better than 69? Because you get ate twice.
Came with our Christmas cracker Q: Did you hear about the man who stole the advent calendar? A: He got 25 days.
I have the heart of a lion And a lifetime ban from the local zoo
[trying to buy pants] Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Where did ants originally come from? ant-arctica
"Apparently I wasn't clear the first time that I want exactly two joules per second in my ass" "I said watt watt in the butt."
Did you hear about the guy who threw a tree at Donald Trump? He missed; I guess you really can't stump the Trump.
A motorist runs over a woman. Who's to blame? The motorist. He really shouldn't be driving in the kitchen. (Edit: formatting)
What did the pig say on a hot summer day? I'm bacon!
A mushroom walks into a bar... A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "whoa there, little guy! Didn't you see the sign? No mushrooms allowed!" The mushroom says "why not?! I'm a fun guy!"
i'll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school his teacher told him how he felt. I feel with my hands Miss !
How many Chinese people does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but he has to manufacture it first.
What do you call a plane with a muslim on it? Death row
Why did George Washington leave office after his second term. He wanted to set a president.
MONDAY Y U NO FUN FUN FUN LIKE FRIDAY?
Poor Brain... It got to named itself, but was dyslexic, so Brian it was not.
"8. I have 8 condoms full of hummus taped to my person right now. Anyway, enough about me, can I get you folks started with an appetizer?"
What do you call a letter that was sent to a man by a feminist? Hate male.
Q: What is the difference between a hog and a man? A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I'm the lead singer of Creed.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? "Juan"
How many prostitutes can you kill before the FBI gets involved? Asking for a friend.
I never thought I'd meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Anxiety: making it impossible to tell the difference between a minor problem and a catastrophe since the development of the frontal lobe!
Why did the Ethiopian cry when he opened up a read only document? It wasn't editable.
When I was young, at bedtimes... My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little. "Nervous?" asked the interviewer I replied, "No, I always give 110%"
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
When she texts "I Love You"... but Auto-correct changes it to "who is this"
still can't say "jk" without whispering "rowling"
Which musician is the most generous? Cher
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A solid 10, but imaginary
My wife likes to tell me she is worshipped in india... She's a fat cow.
apparently math tests aren't like pregnancy tests and peeing on them IS FROWNED UPON IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT.
Giving compliments... ...to women is like pot-hitting in a mine field.
If I had $1.00 for each person I had sex with, I would pay my rent But just because I'm currently homeless
everything happens for a reason and the reason is stupid
How to make Holy Water.. You boil the hell out of it.
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?...He braces himself
Why do hurricanes always have female names? At first they are wet and wild, but then they take away your car and your house.
How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood? He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.
My brother got into a car accident today I asked where he got into the accident at and how he was doing. He said he got into the accident in Oklahoma and that he is doing OK.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
What's long, green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger.
My dog keeps trying to get my attention but until he plays that Sarah McLachlan song I'm not gonna take him seriously.
What's the difference between a penis and a vagina.. Unfortunately, in my case ... only 2 inches. :'(
Caught my wife cheating with the neighbor today so I smashed our big screen tv onto his head. That will teach them to prewatch the jeopardy dvr and try to outscore me without me knowing!
People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My grandpa died in Auschwitz... He fell off a watchtower
I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
A job interview is like a first date. You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're  going to get screwed.
Just thought of this cheesy joke... Who betrayed Cheesus Christ? Goudas.
After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.
How many SEC football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1. And they get 3 credits for it.
 Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
Dentist: I'm going to take your tooth out Me: Ok then [later that evening] Dentist: Well this is nice My tooth: I'm having a lovely time
Not an Ostragoth Pun What do you call a Goth who has a great credit score? A Visa-Goth!
In order to say you're "born again" you should have to spend a week on a cross or 9 months in a vat of amniotic fluid.
Direct from my 8-year old: How do nursing babies blow their noses? With breast tissue.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Tripping... J.K. Rowling
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear.
What happened to the tyrannical fruit? He was impeached!
For the next president we should just elect the CEO of a dildo company at least they're honest about how they fuck people
Ambitious workaholics in Taiwan typically have a Taipei personality.
Knock Knock... Horizontally Knock Knock. Who's there? Horizontally Horizontally who? Quick, The *whore is onto me* hide me from my wife.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand was because he touched the thermostat
Spidy nonsense Sometimes I feel like spider man. Once I had Gwen Stacy, now I just have Mary Jane.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My father is Hungarian and my mother is Welsh That makes me well hung....
A naked Jew with an erection running at full speed hits a wall He breaks his nose.
What do you call a broken fisherman's calculator. Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.
Girls like bad boys, so why can't I get a girlfriend? I'm bad at literally everything. (If you came here expecting a joke, I'm sorry, the joke is my life)
What's the difference between a green elephant and a purple one? One of them is purple
Two fish were in a tank. One said "You man the guns and i'll drive!"
Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE  in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.
Did you hear about the unreleased Western starring Bruce Lee? He played Squint Eastwood.
Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.
What's a Chinese dentist's favorite time? Tooth Hurty
Sometimes, I like to drink and play guitar...
Why is the next Windows version 10? Because 7 8 9
I've been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don't talk to me about dedication!
IF JFK taught me one thing... The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car.
So Batman is flying around metropolis looking for crime when... Superman walks up and is all like, "hey motherfucker, what the fuck?" Sorry, it's Halloween. ;)
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend: honey he can't even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP
Trump: The less immigrants we bring in the better' .... .... .... ..... Pence: The fewer' .... .... .... Trump: I told you not to call me that yet'
What did the baker say when he saw the beautiful woman? "I think I'm in loaf." Ba dum, tss.
A pig with a cold is called... pigachu!
Yo mama so fat She's a reddit admin
Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'? It means nothing to them.
Freedom of speech only means you can't be jailed for it. You still have to be accountable for what comes out of your stupid, bigoted face.
SCIENTIST: it's our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I hate when people ask where I think I'll be in five years I don't have 2020 vision.
How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If a rapper named e came out as gay He would say E=MCQUEERED
I hate spelling errors... You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
What is Klaus Teuber's (designer of Settlers of Catan) favorite TV show? Brick and Orety
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? She was a woman
Did you hear Prince's sister is inheriting his estate? There's just one problem... She's just like their mother, so she's never satisfied.
You know what they say about a guy with... big hands and big feet? 2 out of 3
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Why do Mexicans eat so many beans? Because they're versatile, a good value, and contain lots of protein you racist fuck.
[dog park] Dog: omg I just found out I'm adopted Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
It's easier to get away with stealing someone's stroller if you're dressed as a jogger.
My wife complained that the Land's End catalog was showing too much camo print this season... I replied: lots of people are suddenly into camo, but I just don't see it.
Puberty doesn't hit us Asians Our parents do.
I was gonna go to the gym today... ... But it didn't work out.
What's going to be thinner than the IPhone 8? Apples ideas.
Why is Islam so unethical towards its employees Ironically, it's all about prophets
God has no Phone, but I talk to him. He has no Facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I  still follow him.
Stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How do you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on Facebook.
Everyone ready for the election? I'm still looking for the right bridge, any suggestions?
What do snakes take to combat their allergies? Anti-hissss-tamines!
Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people? Dad.
How is the iPhone 6 like /r/gonewild? They both give you tightness in the pants. I'll see myself out...
Why are women called bitches? Because they both run after sticks and balls.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as a choirboy.
Whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with Twilight tattoos.
Did you hear about the monster who sent his picture to a lonely hearts club? They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely!
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Did you hear the one about Gilgamesh? It was epic.
Me: Whatcha doin? 12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead. Me: Did Hershel die yet? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Guess not.
So a Mexican sneaks across the border into America And the border patrol officer says "Oh no not again"
When will Cameron stop fucking with the system? when pigs fly
What quality does Elon Musk look for in a woman? He just wants her to be down to Mars
Die Hard What happens when you overdose on viagra
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
What do you call a retarded Flo Rida? Slo Rida
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I'm blinded by whiteness.
Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to  instil good table manners in her girls? She told them that a well brought girl never crumbles her bread or rolls in her soup.
There are 10 types of people... There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't .
People are mad at Mayweather but I think he was just confused. He thought he was supposed to hug his opponent and hit his wife.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child? Eric Clapton wouldn't let the bag of cocaine fall out of a window
I started a website for female drivers... but the damn thing kept crashing =D.
What do you call an Indian with a question? Curry-osity
What is a good title for a movie about bacon? "Babe: The Final Chapter"
The color red walks over to the table where Blue and Purple are sitting "Sorry," says Blue, "you can't sit with us. You aren't cool enough."
Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
A list as long as my arm.. I have a list as long as my arm of why I wish my mother never took thalidomide
I think my iPhone is broken. I keep pressing the home button but I'm still at work!
My wife asked me... ...if I could eat her pussy when she got home from work. Later in the evening she asked me why I never ate her pussy. To which I replied "What do you think was in the stew?"
So i was sitting on the bus... ... next to this really hot Thai girl and i thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection." ...But she did.
My dating service, "It's Just Oral" is really taking off!
who is Godzilla's least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
The Earth was concerned about the moon. The Sun tried to reassure the Earth. "The moon is just going through a phase" said the Sun.
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut
FACT: You are having a birthday because Chuck Norris decided to let you live another year!
You drop ONE baby and everyone's all like, "Quit juggling babies Steve. You're the worst babysitter ever!"
Did you hear about the baker's son? He was in-bred.
My wife is like a Mermaid Below her pelvis, she smells like fish.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
What subject are snakes good at school ?  Hiss-tory !
Q: Why do ducks look so sad? A: Because when they preen their feathers, they look down in the mouth.
They should pass out condoms at the election That way the American people can at least be safe when they're fucked
What would you do if you were a ghost?
I lent my deck of cards to an this idiot I work with, and he gave me only 51 back. He was a jack-off.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Two books arm wrestle. One ruptures is appendix, the other helps him rebind it.
How do you catch a slutty bee? With a hornet.
What does 9/11 and owning CP have in common? The government will watch you for the next 15+ years
How does Dracula keep fit? He plays batminton.
When I see starving children in 3rd world countries, I get so sad knowing there's no way they'll ever be able to retweet me.
I can't face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping ever since.
I wonder if caterpillars know they're gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like 'why am I doing this'.
Girls who are easy on the eyes are usually hard on the balls and wallet.
Why don't ghosts make good magicians. You can see right through their tricks.
Policeman: Why did you stop your car get out and yell "coward" at the traffic signal? Motorist: The light just turned yellow.
A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
Obviously I've considered doing porn since I have this huge... butthole.
A cannibal is having a meal at a restaurant After finishing his main course he tells the waiter "Czech please"
What did the blind, paraplegic kid get for his christmas? ..cancer
TIL: The Flintstones is actually quite controversial in Saudi Arabia, because Dubai really doesn't like it... But Abu Dhabi do!
What do steaks and pot brownies have in common? If you eat either of them in India you'll get stoned.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor's coat & holds it over patient* He has finished his scan. He says he doesn't like you & you have cancer.
Jokes about German people... Are the wurst!
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A-flat minor
How does ISIS cool down in the summer time? In a blow up pool
What do you call all of the terrible jokes on reddit arranged in a circle? Groanhenge
So a husband asked his wife if it was possible to feel happy and sad at the same time..... She responded that he had the biggest dick out of his brothers.
Honestly if I had a brain I'd... probably not admit to being stupid publicly for a start.
If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.
What happens when a question mark and an exclamation mark love each other very much? They [interrobang!](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)
Why was Hitler a pussy? Because he had nein lives!
How do you tell if someone is ticklish? Testicles.
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases it  is damned near impossible.
whats brown and sticky? a stick!
What do you call a polygon on viagra? An Erectangle
Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.
Damn girl, you must be a moped Because I love riding you but I'd be extremely embarrassed if any of my friends saw me on you
DirecTV/Spongebob Joke Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? I don't know I have DirecTV.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor] "Get out of here, NOW!" "Why?" "HAVEN'T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?"
"Did you sign the nondisclosure agreement?" "To not disclose what?" "So I guess you DID sign the agreement!"
some people are like slinkys They really aren't good for anything but it feels great when you push them down the stairs.
Ever hear about the farmer who bought a tractor with no seat and no steering wheel? Apparently he lost his ass and had no place to go.....
What do you call a man in a hole? Phil.
How do you call a USB stick in Russia? A put-in
A blonde joke
Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc.
I am going bananas. That's what I say to my bananas before I leave in the morning.
Hey whatcha eating? "A pluot" Wtf is a pluot? "A cross between a plum & an apricot" That's really stupid. *rides off on a liger*
The Spanish Soccer team are have picked up two Euros in the last 4 years... ... that's two more than their banks.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Where does Santa get presents for bad kids? Kohl's.
What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater ? A plain clothes police dog !
what kind of file makes a 1 inch hole into a 3 inch hole? a pedophile
Why did the Ottoman empire collapse? Once your stack of Ottomans gets to a certain height it will fall over.
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'. So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.
What do you call a mob of armed lesbians? Militia Etheridge
Girls must gain like a 4 point bump after you've had a few drinks. Cause I'm in a bar in Greece, and these dames around me look like a 5 right now.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she flirted with the road's husband.
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs.
I aint racist! I LOVE NASCAR!
Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like. Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.
My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook
Why did the blonde stuff 98 berries in her mouth They were cramberries.
Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh... ...and if I put my ear against it I can smell the ocean
I say we take all the bad chemistry jokes and Barium
What's the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds? There's twenty of them
Apparently "I'll break your god damn legs" isn't the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Historically speaking, tanning under the sun first began in France during the bronzage.
This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p
People ask me what I'm really into these days. I tell them "debt."
I treat you like a son But you treat me like a son of a bitch! Made me laugh for 5 mins when I heard it lol
Wife: He makes puns all the time Therapist: You should punish him Husband: But every punishment to be different
I was telling a great joke about the importance of the guillotine in the French Revolution... But it didn't really land. I guess execution really is key
They aren't making foot rulers any longer Why you ask? If it was any longer it wouldn't be a foot
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Why do white girls always hang out in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
What do you call a dead bird that was suicidal? A Robin Williams.
What did the French biologist say to visitors entering the corn maze Enjoy Zea maize!
I'm going to stop eating beef from Colorado The steaks are too high
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don't know the difference between sleeping and dead
I'm taking an ornithology class as an elective to boost my GPA. It's a bird course.
The McRib is back. Because you're getting new underwear for Christmas anyway.
Coworker: What would be your ideal- Me: Sleeping CW: But you didn't let me finish my- M: My answer is always sleeping.
I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. He can binomial.
What did General Custer's advisors tell him before the Battle of Little Bighorn? Don't do it, it's Siouxicide
ME: I think I have a get out of jail free card COP: this is a do 1 jail sentence get the next sentence 50% off & it's for our other location
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph.
An illegal alien, a communist, and a Muslim walk into a bar The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"
What did Santa say when he had to travel through the desert? "My chestnuts are roasting"
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
You know what'd be an AMAZING prank for April Fool's Day, Reddit? If you could stay up for 24 hours straight :3
COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
How many Egalitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Doesn't matter, they'll just screw it one rotation one way and one rotation the other way and call it equality.
[wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body] What are you doing? "Uhh, SOMEONE said I don't glisten very well?"
Some guy scared me after class and I dropped all my notes He scared me sheet-less.
I organised a little surprise party for a girl from work. She didn't show - so I guess I'll just go back into her loft and wait.
A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited  I mean, you should've seen the look that wasn't on their faces.
The genie sang that whole song about how he's gonna be Aladdin's best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Like Bjork always says, "When life gives you lemons, giggle in childish wonder as they confide in you their citrusy secrets."
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
TIL: Phonebooks are banned in China Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs, you might Wing the Wong number.
Have you tried Gatorade's newest sports drink, F5? It's very refreshing
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Nice try, blocked number but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors? To see the battle.
Did you hear about the train that hit the deaf guy? Neither did he.
Having sex with your clone... Is it incest or masturbation?
So, have you guys seen the headlines about 'Jesus might have had a wife'? I don't know why they're still speculating. After all, it's pretty clear that *someone* was nailing him.
I've got an Intracranial Embolism... ...at least, that's what my doctor told him when I mentioned that I had Bad Blood stuck in my head.
Coworker: people around the office think you're too controlling Me: what's that? Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. But what happens when a Foghorn blows? I say-I say, you get cum in your mouth
What's the difference between an outlaw and an in- law? Outlaws are wanted.
What makes football players bi-sexual? They play with Cleats and Balls all day.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone's death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.
So, a baby seal walks into a club... *Best joke i've ever heard.*
The Fat Girl's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse: If you see me running & there's no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I'm sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it's only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Why did the motorcycle fall asleep? It was two-tired.
Did you hear the joke about the pencil? There's no point.
I can't remember my Password i can remember my Password being "Mypenis" but it keeps telling me that my password is too short :(
Cuban Joke One Cuban young woman complains to another. "He lied to me! He told me that he was a luggage handler! It turns out, he's nothing but a neurosurgeon!"
Unfaithful Russian men come home to find all their stuff in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box on the sidewalk.
if it's not a failure it sucks ass
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? When She fits in your wife's clothes.
Where does an Afghan boy go during a drone strike? Everywhere.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bashful ! Bashful who ? I can't tell you I'm so embarrassed !
I have electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet. Number 2 will shock them.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom? ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
What's better than roses on the piano ? Tulips on the organ.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
Chuck Norris once flushed a condom Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born
Get a TATTOO they said! A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said! Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!
How many Chinese people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, while the rest were kung fu fighting
What is Donald Trump's favorite song? Wonderwall Mexican cover
i need to stop imagining scenarios in my head that have a -2% chance of actually happening it's becoming a problem
What is the difference between spinach and boogers? Kids don't eat spinach
I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges. We called him Martin Loofah King.
TIL of a Native American doctor who has successfully treated cancer for hundreds of individuals. They call him Chemo Savvy.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I didn't like the fungi at first, But then it grew on me.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? (Nsfw) I can't jelly my dick in your sisters ass!
2017 whatsapp notification: Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
The Online Biology Class I almost got expelled in an Online Biology crash course earlier. They asked me what the major constituent of cells are. Turns out, "black people" is NOT a good answer.
What do you call an angry Reddit mod? [deleted]
Want to hear a joke? It's called my life
How do you make a coffee sad? You mocha...
What is the biggest mistake Steve Jobs ever made? He thought it was "being at Apple every day", not "eating an apple every day".
INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist
After much consideration, I do not believe Wolverine in the X-Men movies is real. It's obviously just a huge act, man.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A: A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
Luke Skywalker and Yoda are on a ride when... **Luke**: *Are we on the right course, Master Yoda?*. **Yoda**: *Off course we are*.
Where do Chicago football fans buy engagement rings? De Beers
Pot could probably use one more name... how about wizard parsley?
I tried using self deprecating humor But I'm not any good at it.
There are 3 types of people in this world.. ..Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why did Tigger look down the toilet? To find Pooh!
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
If you say "My Cocaine" out-loud, you are also saying "Michael Caine" in his own voice - MIND OFFICIALLY BLOWN
How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal?  They're both famous for stuffing baskets!
What is the definition of a semicolon? Something I usually have after a long night of drinking.
"This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
Why did the cat stop singing? Because it was out of tuna.
I'd make a political joke here I'm just afraid it would be elected.
The person that invented toilet paper is easily the most under-appreciated hero in human history
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? When she can fit into your wife's clothes
How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer!
Gerald: "Have you ever come across a man who at the slightest touch caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?" Mabel: "Yes the dentist."
I keep a picture of a dragon fighting a helicopter in my wallet, in case the police ask to see my license for awesome.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.
What's the #1 thing that pisses off redditors? You're grammar
"Annie are you ok?" -yep "Are you ok?" -dude, I just said yes "Are you ok Annie?" -THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Your ass must get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth!
How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common? It's either Sunni or Shiite.
A man walks up to three old ladies. He flashes them his penis. The first two ladies immediatly had a stroke. The third one didn't dare touch it.
My sex life is just like Star Wars It's either Han Solo, or I have to use force.
Why did the cold war last so long? The US couldn't stop Stalin.
Why do Indians hate snow? It's white and it's on their land.
Getting straight "A"s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting "A"s doesn't preclude it.
Apparently John Cena is going to miss 6-9 months of wrestling. Now you really can't see him.
Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles? So he could break out.
Getting married for sex... is like flying on an airplane for food.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
What's the difference between a Greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job? One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Someone else's cheese.
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock -Who's there? -The plane captain.
What happens when you provoke an angry redhead? Ginger snaps.
I was doing some DIY the other day and took out my step ladder... I don't get on with my real ladder.
What do you call a drug dealing church? Crystal Methodists
Why don't black people dream? Because the last black person who had a dream got shot.
Your favorite Anti joke... go for those who don't know [anti joke Definition](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Anti-Joke)
What does the zero say to the eight? I like your belt. Ok, ok. I know it's elementary, but I still love it.
What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common? Neither can finish a play.
I hate all these posts They're so last year
Did you see the joke written on recycled paper? It was tearable
I lost my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me Why? What did he say? "you're fired"
Elderly woman ahead of me at Subway is paying for her lunch with nickels and now I don't even give a shit about health care reform.
I'm not saying you're a jackass but... You're the kind of guy who would buy Anne Frank a drum set.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three... The one on the left The one on the right And of course, the Final Front Ear
Today I wanted to make a broken pencil pun But there's no point.
Dad joke #31939: A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
My penis and I are really good friends but... We've never really seen eye to eye
I walked up to a group of girls. I said, "Would you like to see a magic trick?" "Yes," they smiled eagerly. Then I handed them a David Blaine DVD and walked off.
While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver... She asked if I had orange juice. We've been dating since.
Are they shutting twitter down anytime soon? I need to do life stuff.
Are candles happy or sad when they are put out? They are delighted.
I poured my root beer into a square cup Now I just have beer
What plant attacks people? An Ambush ;)
How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
So, where does the captain keep his armies? In his sleevies!! (  )
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too [reads workaholic] I work a lot as well [reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
What did Eric say to his classmates on the last day of school? "Do you believe in God?"
The people in the room next door are definitely just furiously making their bed. Nothing more. NOTHING MORE.
The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby
"There's a guy that jumped off the Pont Neuf!" He must be in Seine.
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house. Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!
A famous pornstar died yesterday. My penis was at half-mast.
The difference between oral and anal thermometers? The taste.
I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won't think I'm pooping. So yeah, I'd say I'm pretty professional.
I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs. I stand corrected.
My wife's starsign was cancer, which makes how she died pretty ironic. Attacked by a giant crab.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing...they were both stuck up cunts.
My wife bought a bunch of cheap camping supplies from a garage sale. This shall be known as the Summer of my Discount Tent.
My friend told me a joke about a clock last week and today I finally got it... It's about time.
I can't believe how many people don't know the opposites of these words - always - coming - from - take - me - down
How are spinach and anal sex alike? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult
The dictator forced everyone to work in the butter industry. Some men just want to watch the world churn.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Happiness is a relative thing. I finally have some extra money and suddenly my relatives are happy.
I had a really big shit the other day. It was a real pain in the ass.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.
All this buzz about Iron Man 2 is really going to hurt the opening weekend of my movie Steel Dude.
My extremely slow tailor is trying to give me an impromptu fitting but I don't want to do it right now I'm taking steps to prevent the measure
Ugh man, I hate when pornos try to have a story. Don't act all surprised dude, just do her.
What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted some ice cream? Sherbert. (I can't take credit for this amazing piece of comedy. Heard it from a friend, no idea if he came up with it or not.)
Did you hear about the Native American who tried to break the world's record for drinking tea? They found him dead in his Tee Pee.
What did the emperor of Arabia do at tea time? The Caliph ate.
I tried that whole "if you love something, set it free" thing but my kids are still here.
"sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?" "officer, I'm..." *turns to camera* "double jointed" *cop starts breakdancing*
How do you know when a politician is lying? When you see their lips moving!
What do you call someone who worships Doritos? A chip monk.
I was going to post my best Madeline McCann joke but my parents would kill me
Everyone had that one lesbian gym teacher growing up.
Why'd the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
I found Zoloft delays my orgasm Ey, Jack, you late.
How many members of the NRA does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More guns.
What did the blind guy say to the deaf guy? I hear what your saying, but I don't see your point
There are three types of people in the world. Those that are good with numbers and those who are not.
"I wanna fu*k you so bad right now." "WHAT!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant "hey"
Did you hear about the dog who went to the flea circus? He stole the show.
What do you call a smarty pants? ...... A jeanius
Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.
Having sex in an elevator.. ..is wrong on so many levels
In Harry Potter I wonder if Sirius Black's middle name is Lee...
Racial issues in America are very complex They're not just black and white
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she's gained weight.
Don't waste electricity. Would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
[M] What's the hardest part of owning a cat? Telling your parents you're gay.
Instead of the standard 140, people should only be allowed as many characters as they have IQ points.
What is Force equal to? Double penetration, with respect to time. (F=dp/dt) I'll see myself out
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
What kind of shoes do Frogs wear? Open Toad sandals... I'll show myself out - thank you
Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey. They do, however, say "zed".
Why should you never let a non-metal drive a train? Because they're poor conductors! (I know they're called Engineers but cut me some slack, I thought of this in the 9th grade.)
I asked God for a bike... ... but then realized that is not how God works. So I stole some kid's bike and asked God for forgiveness.
A skeleton walks into a bar... And tells the bartender, "I'll have a beer, and a mop."
People say America is free, but Korea is free too! Whenever I was born, my parents gave me a choice: Piano or Violin.
I asked her if she had ever tried 69 I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Making dinner in a slow cooker involves two of my favorite things: food and panicking that I've left an appliance on for seven hours.
Can you think of something more ironic than being a gay chiropractor? Choosing a career in which your job is to make people straight again.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over a window? Kurt and Rod
Why did the rooster get 20 years in prison? He got caught on the internet, looking up chicks.
[1st date] HER: I'm such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
What do you call an elephant that no one needs? Irrelephant.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Tianjin's disaster could have been prevented... After all, the experts have warned us that China's population might explode.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.
accidentally added a "z" to the end of the word "think" in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on
What's the difference between a car tire and 365 blowjobs? One's a Goodyear... and one's a *great* year.
I like my coffee like I like my women..... Ground up and stuck in the freezer.
For the past couple of years, I have been saying that the only holidays worth celebrating are the equinoxes and the solstices. I find all of the others to be astronomically unimportant.
Giving "the silent treatment" only matters to those who want to hear what you have to say.
Great big polar bear(she says what?) It broke the ice!
Why do windbreakers smell bad? Because all they do is break wind.
I served baby rabbit this evening. It got over the net, but there was practically no bounce.
LPT: How to get out of murder/manslaughter charges. Become a police officer.
Discovering a clever way to cut the character count of a tweet. Th@.
What do you call a five year old with no friends? [dark] A sandy hook survivor
NEED HELP I'm in a situation that could require me to pull out some good jokes when asked. I need to hear the best jokes on the internet. The dirtier the better. Thanks in advance
A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden... ...but he didn't have root access.
What do you call a patella that sleeps around too much? Whore knee
Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
I just saw a gang fight. One gang claimed that grease is the word, and the other said that bird is the word. I think eight guys were killed.
ME: I hate the Kentucky Derby. You get all dressed up and excited and the whole thing only lasts 15 seconds WIFE: Oh is that right
My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.
What is "Mary" short for? She has no legs!
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn't?
Where do all the good boys go to hide away? r/cringepics Based off Daya's song "Hide Away"
Why did a girl leave his boyfriend for a mushroom? because he wasn't a fungi!
I bought a new boomerang... and went damn near crazy trying to throw the old one away!
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!
If all the corner pieces of a cake are gone, I calmly pull the emergency icing out of my purse & frost the edges of an inside piece.
Stop saying "I Wish" and start saying "I Will".
*at the confessional Priest: .'..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?' Me: 'You mean, like, ever?'
What's the difference between jelly and jam? ...I can't jelly my dick up your ass (courtesy of my younger brother, lol)
How do you say "fuck" in Chinese? Buck
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. This joke is great for determining someones sense of humor.
What do you call a woman with multiple personality disorder? Polly
If I say "Someone else's God", Then say "Dammit" Is it still a sin ?
A pick-up line for a lovely lady Hey babe, are you a fart? -cause you just blew me away.
I live in my parent's basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth's core.
Damn gurrrl, is that chocolate on your face? *licks face* Damn gurrrl, that is not chocolate on your face.
A fun prank is to search "buy antique dolls" on someone's computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Where do fish deposit their money? River banks
My friend said that China might be considering assisted suicide for teenagers He's probably wrong, but if he's right, that would mark the beginning of euthanasia of youth in Asia.
SCIENTIST: it's both man and machine ME: what's it called? S: I call it a cyborg M:  I would have went with manchine S: *crushes test tube*
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication
What's Donald Trumps favorite color? Orange
When I find something in my purse on the first reach-in I feel like I should get some applause or something.
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What do you call a 10 ten old Irish boy who doesn't go to church? A virgin
I want to hold you till the end of time, or until I have to pee.
Beer has female hormones Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
TIL: A second is called a second because it's not first.
There's no attraction quite as strong as tomato sauce & a white shirt
DUMBLEDORE: Who's brought evil into Hogwarts? HARRY: I think it's Malfoy, professor! DARK MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER: Oh come on
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I used to have a fear of speed bumps But I'm slowly getting over it
The font for alphabet soup Is times new ramen.
[traffic court] Your honor, I'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I'm here to dispute 4/5 of my tickets
I just watched a film about a couple who bought a haunted yoghurt. It's called Paranormal Activia.
Just saw a magazine cover that said "Katy Perry is on fire" so I bought it and they meant it as a metaphor and this whole week is bullshit
I have an inferiority complex But it's a not very good one...:(
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My father always told me "Son, you are what you eat". Guess i'm a dick.
A golfer to his caddy: 'How would you have played that last shot, caddy?' 'Under an assumed name.'
What's the difference between U-Haul and Youtube? People are'nt happy for you when you get loads of hits on your U-Haul.
"What an ugly baby," I said, much more audibly than intended.
Terrible Chemistry Joke Timmy was a Chemist But now he is no more What he thought was H2O Was H2SO4
What do characters at Disney World and strippers have in common? No touching!
A man using Apple maps walks into a bar... Or maybe it was a hospital? Or possibly a church?
I have the greatest dad ever Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Where do retired pigs go for warm weather? The tropigs!
"What would you say is your greatest weakness?" Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won't hire me.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in* Him:*middle finger* Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU'RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Why hasn't anyone seen or recorded humpback whales having sex? They like it deep.
Girl, do you have 67 protons? Cuz you a Ho
I love cheese! Cheese: I have a boyfriend
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*
Me: Goodnight moon Moon: night. Me: What? Moon: nothing. It's fine. Me: You're acting distant Moon: I'm 238,900 miles away
What do you call a very nosy spice? Jalapeno Business You need to say this in a pretty thick Hispanic accent for it to work. I heard it from some classmates.
I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me. But why everyday?
When I masturbate at home... I'm at homecoming.
What do you call a jerking off well-endowed midget? A huge short coming.
California Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.
Did I tell you the joke about my penis? Oh never mind it's too long.
I buy all my guns from a guy named "T-Rex" He's a small arms dealer
Why does the pedophile like Halloween? Free shipping.
You know what I'd like for Christmas, mom? I'd like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I'd like some money and some new socks.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
A mushroom walks into a bar... And the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here". So the mushroom says "Why? I'm a fun guy".
Walked by Starbucks today. The line was out the door. I've never seen so many pink cell phone cases in one place.
"Not gay enough" - superhero working on his costume
People as ticklish as me shouldn't get pedicures. I've kicked this Asian in the face twice already.
A little boy wrote a letter to Santa stating he wanted a little sister The next day he got a letter from santa saying: Ok send me your mother
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.
What's Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable? James Brady
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number...you've probably never heard of it.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
If one more person asks me to do a summersault.... .......I swear I'm going to flip!!!
I opened my fortune-cookie. There was nothing inside. Does that mean i have no future?
Witch: Doctor doctor I don't feel well.  Doctor: Don't worry you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.
It's fun to park next to that car that's parked far away so that no one will park next to it.
Kid: What's a man? Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom
Mary had a little sheep and with the sheep she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram so Mary had a little lamb.
What did the necrophile say to his ex-girlfriend? "I only loved you for your body!"
People used to say I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.... Well, take a look at me now!
Why do power lines hum? Because they don't know the words.
I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..
"I am going on a trip." "Mushrooms or acid?"
What is the difference between a cult and a religion? Popularity.
What's the Italian word for suppository? Innuendo
whats a similarity between colorado and saudi arabia? It's legal to get stoned
Drug Problems I've definitely got a drug problem......................... Seem to have run out
Sometimes I want to make a joke about short people But I don't want to stoop to their level.
What would Chrysler's version of the Ford Focus be called? Chrysler Concentrate
Why is Light Beer like sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water
One liners are great. Two liners are better.
How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down? He keeps a log
If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?
Chuck Norris strikes fear into zombies.
What do you call a root vegetable wearing a tank top? A bro-tato
My niece told me this joke and I thought it was great! Knock knock! -Who's there? -The interrupting Cow -The interr..... -MOOOOO!
Why can't the bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two-tired
How to make a gay fuck a women [NSFW] Shit in her cunt...
Why was the cook sad when all the water in his pot boiled away? Because he mist it.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Census ! Census who ? Census presents for Christmas !
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the prom? Because he was fat and ugly and no one liked him
How do you burn an Irishman ear? Ring him while he's ironing...
I should have used more oils to get this off easier.. I'm trying to jerk it off but it won't come. Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My mate keeps having sex with Nuns. I did warn him not to get in the habit.
What is the interior temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm
I got the book "Front Page of the Internet for Dummies" from a friend... But I need to take it back, because I already reddit.
Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need damn smarter friends.
The biggest Myth is to solve problems of MATH
Two wolves are chasing a Golden Retriever through the forest. After an hour, the first wolf says to the second wolf, "Ain't this a bitch?" To which the second wolf responds, "It had better be".
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I'm standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Why did the english student get an F? His poem had ABAD rhyme pattern.
I THINK [boyfriend goes by] YOU'RE TOO [boyfriend goes by] YOUNG FOR ME [boyfriend goes by] -me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel
Why did the kid eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake. -My 6 year old Nephew
Why are art contests so disappointing? They always end in a draw
Why was the ukelele teacher put in jail? Becuase he was caught fingering A minor.
I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.
Will anyone on Facebook ever have the guts to let everyone else know they married their "best friend"?
Great wine is like great jazz... It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same. EDIT: Front page? Hot damn! Now what do I do with my life?
What's 6.9? A good thing screwed up by a period
You know your a redneck when...... _______________ (Fill in the blank)
I just went to the Air &amp; Space museum. Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Noah's Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Late term abortion now offered in Florida Free with stay to any Orlando resort
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid's school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I'm going to change my name to Benny Fitz...so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.
A man walks into a bar and is immediately disqualified from the Limbo World Championships.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer..... It never gets old.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
INTERVIEWER: what's your greatest strength? ME: shape shifting INTERVIEWER: is that so? INTERVIEWER: yes INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Why did it take so long for the postie to deliver the missing jigsaw piece? He had a bit of a puzzle in his hands
Why is Barbie's boyfriend afraid of commitment? He's a chic Ken.
A lot of people seem to like these pirate jokes... ...but I'm just not hooked.
What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless
I'm watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.
People always ask 'how do you cope with erectile disfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month..
"Get off your high horse!" - Veterinarian who prescribed medical marijuana.
Did you hear about the suspect who was released from jail after he touched grounded metal and received a static shock? He was cleared of all charges.
What did the buffalo say to his boy before leaving for work? Bye, son.
What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear? Hearing AIDS
Best jokes from movies What are you best jokes you have heard in a movie?
Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind. Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
My son walked in on me and my wife "wrestling" on the bed. We call it "wrestling" because he can't pronounce jiu-jitsu.
I'm learning about imaginary numbers... I can finally plot my sex life.
My wife saw someone kill horses in Minecraft and she is making me build a Minecraft memorial for dead Minecraft animals.
What does it take to break a Nokia phone? Microsoft.
I'm watching TV My grandfather walks by: What's on? Me: Soccer Grandfather: Who's playing? Me: Austria-Hungary Grandfather:And Against who?
What did the baby corn say to the mommy corn? Wheres pop corn?
What do you call a 1 ton toilet? EL-ton John
How's havin' a dick? It comes in handy.
Did you hear? Chuck Norris moved to Endor He became an Ewok'er Texas ranger.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me ME: let me pet ur scales pls DRAGON: I don't even KNOW u ME: breathe fire on me DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I think that reddit's lockdown was an entirely democratic process... achieved completely by popular voat
I'm pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday..... I should probably "unblock" them and check.
don't regret doing things, regret getting caught
Saturn Undefeated Solar system Hula Hoop champ!
How do you get gum out of hair? cancer -I'm sorry-
What's the funniest number ever? l0l
I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy. So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.
Senior Year? More like sleep and beer.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he's been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
A snake walks into a bar... The bartender says, "How did you do that?"
When I die... I just want 2016 to be my pallbearer, so it can let me down one last time.
want a smart girl, a nice girl, a romantic girl. But most importantly, I want these women to never meet.
I tried to get an hourglass figure... ...but then I realised it would just be a waist of time.
Apple's new iphone sold over 13M units this past weekend I guess you can say it was a 6S
When I lived on the street, I always wanted to become a plumber, get a home, and run a business... But that was just a pipe dream.
What do recent college graduates and felons have in common? It takes three to five years before anyone will hire them.
[At a child's birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum] I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I've got a new job. I'm helping out a one-armed typist whenever she needs to type a capital letter. It's shift work
Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you're smart and don't go.
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Welcome to the celebrity impressionist club. Please take a seat, there are plenty of Chers. I'll see myself out....
Who farted?
What's a nice thing about having a black boyfriend? If you decide to try anal, and you get shit on his dick, no one will notice.
Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back
People on this plane got so uptight when I used the bathroom to change into my PJs. Llike they've never seen a man in a nightgown before.
"God is good all the time!" Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
What do you call a chicken takeover of the government? A coop.
How many guys in the Friendzone does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just stand around complimenting it, and then get pissed when another guy screws it.
Who was Japan's favorite racist comedian? Charlie JAPlin. hahahaahhaha stop racism.
Me with megaphone: "COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR." Man: "I'm fixing your roof tiles, remember?" Me: "I FORGOT!"
Today, my son, Sam, told me that he wanted to become a woman. I've always wanted a Trans Sam.
Just bought a Jehovah Witness Advent calendar... Every time you open a door, a voice tells you to fuck off.
What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down and use lubricant.
"Dad what IS the moon?" It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics. He told me I used the wrong stereo type.
The fact Michael Jackson had to ask Annie if she was OK nearly 100 times in four minutes makes me think she probably wasn't OK.
AMA: US government thinks I am an ET dealing drugs Because I am an illegal alien.
what's black and white and red all over a nun with a harpoon through her
Took a random unmarked pill I found on the floor because times are tough and no matter what happens it'll make for good tweets.
8: ow ow ow ow ow me: what are you doing? 8: looking for my toy me: why don't you turn your light on? 8: i can see in the dark me: carry on
Why did the electrician multiply distance and voltage? Because he forgot his voltmeter at home.
What do you call hot women in France? Tourists
I can swallow two pieces of string and make them come out an hour later tied together I SHIT YOU KNOT
Some day I have a victim mentality But it's not my fault
Old man Manelli is cooking a chicken on a rotisserie in his front stoop When a hippy walks by. He stops, looks up and says: "Hey man! The music stopped and your monkeys on fire"
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
What did one bolt of cloth say to the other bolt of cloth after hurting its feelings? I'm sari.
My wife said I could cum in the other hole tonight. But for some reason she got angry when she saw me lying in bed with her friend.
My girlfriend messed up baking a tart She was to re-tart it
I don't believe women have souls. Neither do men. I don't believe in souls.
Why do feminists hate the portrayal of women in the media? Because only men can be seXY.
BLONDE BICYCLE Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike? A: It was going too fast for her to get on.
Took my first cab ride last night And I gotta say, the price was fare!
How I met your mother was....... How I met your mother was.....nothing but a 9 year (season) long TED Talk
What do you call 2 horses side by side in a stable? Neigh-bours.
What did the tight vagina say to the loose vagina? Nothing - its lips were sealed.
A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.
I think this is a repost. Why did Lady Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat belt.
Cat lovers.
What do we want? Race Car Noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeoooooooowwwww!
Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
So, you know how they put that magic hat on Frosty and it makes him talk? I wonder if there's one that works in reverse, but for children.
What did the pregnant blonde ask at the doctor's office? ...Is it mine?
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7? I still love vista, baby
"You'll sleep when I'm dead" -- my phone
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Why is it good to post jokes about feminists? It promotes equality.
Best Boss to Employee Convo Boss: Have you typed the paper I needed yet? Employee: I'm sorry, I don't know how to type paper. Boss: I'll help you, but the paper might be pink.
Why are most weather forecasters men? Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.
Don't even try to laugh. What did the sensitive vagina say to the penis that was critical of everything? Stop Cliticizing me!
Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5? ...because 5 8 13!
I started writting an autobiography but I gave up... Story of my life.
A man goes to the doctors for a physical. The doctor says "you have to stop masturbating" The man replies "why?" The doctor responds "because I'm trying to give you a physical"
How do you define a farmer? Someone that's outstanding in their field.
What is the ultimate definition of trust? Two cannibals going down on each other
You could say I'm a Whiz Kid. I'm really smart. And I'll drink your piss
Did you hear about the perverted statistician? Standard deviation wasn't enough for him anymore...
"Can you explain this Gap in your work history?" Yes that's when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
Jack, Dill, James, and Mike were walking down the street. Mike fell down. Can Dill, Jack, or James he
Geography joke from my son Him: What's the capitol of Switzerland? Me: Ummm, Geneva? Him: Nope!.... BERN!!!!
Why do male prostitutes make more money than females? Because they always drive a *Hard* bargain. :D
What do you call someone who hates cold weather? A southerner
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one. He's never going to give you Up.
What did Barack say to Michelle when he proposed? I don't want to be Obama self.
What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore? I wouldn't shoot heroin.
Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche? Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars. Son: Thanks dad. Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.
What type of people do vampires like? Type O positive people.
This is your captain speaking THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING
I don't understand the hate for man buns I think they're top knots.
What's the difference between Audi drivers and a cactus? Audi drivers have pricks on the inside
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city is the joker stil in jail-- sory-- i mean-- u look so prety yes u do batman is not as cool as u
There was an M&amp;M in my spaghetti.. He was an M Pasta
Why do burgers run the gauntlet? To test their meattle!
What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and the Titanic? Ones full of dead semen and the other one is the Titanic
When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.
Beauty is only a light switch away. That is all.
A lot of people cry when chopping onions, but the trick.. ..is to not get emotionally attached.
What do you call a real old korean? Jurassic Park
I hate when The Little Mermaid is all "who cares no big deal I want more!" Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
What do you call a pastry with an English degree? A synonym roll
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything.
What kind of mane does a Chinese lion have? Lo mein.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets Women
A cleaning service of men who think a hot girl is coming over in 20 minutes.
My sex life is like a Wild West saloon... Liquor in the front, poker in the rear
Women are like leaves... Sometimes they fall out of trees and I've never had sex with one
A local radio station was finishing up a competition and the woman said she was "racking up the tally" I guess that makes her a **tallyracker**.
Why do comedians always have such bad sleeps? Because they fall asleep funny!
dont be sad, girl. u are like a iceberg.. 90% of ur beauty is below the surface. now 95%. now 100% OMG GIRL ARE YOU DROWNIMG
ME: Hey they're playing our song. HER: This isn't our song. ME: [turning up "Go Your Own Way"] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
What's mostly red and has 2 legs? Half of a cat.
An awesome person fills you with awe, which stands to reason that a handsome person will fill you with hand.
RadioShack is on the verge of shutting down. . . I guess its batteries are running out
There are two kinds of people in this world that I cannot stand * Those who are intolerant to other people's cultures. * The Dutch.
It was just a homeless man defecating in an elevator, but that's when the real shit went down.
I wonder if this whole Ebola thing is going to go viral Thoughts?
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
If Taylor Lautner bites you, how much time do you have until you turn gay?
A Jew, a woman, and a racist walk into a bar. The bartender says "I bet you thought this was going to be about the elections, didn't you?"
What do you call a lazy lizard? A procrastigator.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named "Insects Rabbit" and his catchphrase was, "What is transpiring, Physician?"
Why should you always carry a knife around? Because sharp wits won't always give you the edge.
There's seldom a fun word that follows "early onset."
My wife told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her twice, and hit her with a brick.
I got a job installing elevators It's some next level shit
They say there's safety in numbers. Tell that to six million Jews...
Hans Zimmer was inspired by one composer in particular when writing the Inception soundtrack... Brahms
Did You Hear About The Orgy In The Forest? People came in groves.
What are the two fastest things in the world? Second fastest: your butthole snapping shut. Fastest: That little drop of water...
Hey Prius owners your entire car is a bumper sticker
I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me.
What do you call it when Feminists own an independent sovereign state? A CUNTry. Yes, I'm terrible.
Have you heard the latest joke about physicists? It collapsed into a black hole.
What do racists say during sex? "Hard R! HARD R!"
What is made of Brass and sounds like Tom Jones Trombones!
What did Michael Jackson say at the bank? "Make that change"
What's the difference between a cunt and an asshole? According to the latest polls, about 4%.
Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?
Yoda says words out of order because his college English class was at 7 am. He never went once - "very early, it is" he would say
Boston walloped with snow again. If you think traffic is bad here... think about how bad it must be in Seattle with all those bandwagons falling over.
Date advice to women from a guy: Laughing makes you 100 times more attractive than makeup.
Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?  Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.
Take it easy on the anti-semetic jokes. Take it easy on the jew jokes please. My grandfather died in a concentration camp during WW2. Apparently he fell off a guard tower during shift change.
What did the kleptomaniacal compulsive liar say when his beekeeper friend asked him what he was running away with? "None of your beeswax!"
Do you know of anyone that has had sex while camping? I was told it's really intents.
I want to tell you a scoliosis joke but it's completely out of line.
What does a nosy chili pepper do? Gets jalapeno business
How strange... Last night my flatmate only popped out for milk wearing no make up and instead came back with 4 packets of Haribo, 4 fun size Snickers and a 'Best Costume' trophy.
Scrabble was invented by Nazi's to piss off kids with dyslexia. The word "dyslexia" was invented by Nazi's to piss off kids wigh dyslexia.
My mom got remarried to a man with a son, and he just crapped in our bathroom. So now I have a step-father, a step-brother, and a step-stool!
Real Money Once a Boss said to his subordinate: "You have always wanted a bonus so I will give you $1,000,000i^2." The Subordinate: "Sir I can this amount only on the Argand Plane."
How does a Chinese man start a religious video? Press pray.
What do you get when you cross Pizza with a Bike? A Piecycle.
A BLONDE'S BRAIN Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant.
Women are the only people who can go out broke and come home drunk.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night...he hypnotized 7 guys...then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled*F@CK ME*...what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life...
I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.
Mail order bride I just got a mail order bride from prague, I guess you could call her a Czech mate.
What has 108 teeth and holds back the incredible Hulk? My Zipper.
(CPR class) Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt? Me to instructor: See what I'm up against?
5 steps to a happy marriage: 1. Doritos 2. Oreos 3. Pez 4. Mr. Noodles 5. Oops this is my grocery list. 6. Still applicable.
I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.
Baby seal walks into a club... ...
Racism doesn't matter Watch Close your eyes *person closes eyes* See? We all black now!
If I was a girl named Isis, I'd be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Act now to enjoy a false sense of urgency!
Why did the blind blonde cross the road because she was following her seeing eye chicken
[chameleon conference] Boss: Is... everyone here? *crickets* Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx Keith: You're welcome
How do you circumcise a whale? Fore-skin divers!
Why did the skeleton not go to his prom? he had noBODY to go with.
What's the name of the strongest duck out there? PSYtama.
What kind of martial arts do birds practice? Wing Chun
Did you hear about that new liberal episcopal church? It has six commandments and four suggestions
Knock knock. Who's there? Nunya. Nunya who? How many Nunyas do you know?
I love Christmas lights! ... they remind me of politicians. They all hang together, half the buggers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!
"Let's watch TV and talk about it on the Internet."
joke what did the porcupine say the first time it had sex ? ouch ooh ouch ooh ouch ooh. what the beaver say the first time it had sex ?....... gee Wally that kind of hurt
Today I went to the protest The protesters aren't going to mace themselves
If you blow out the kid's Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
What show depicts a new pair of Jordons getting ruined? African American Horror Story
I'm still confused as to why I was arrested for stabbing the starbucks barista in the face when she didn't know what a large coffee was.
Don't give karma whores a butter joke... ...they might spread it
Welcome to the hotel. Your room has a queen sized bed, dresser and nightstand, all of which you will have to move to find the one outlet.
What is the most common phrase in a gay bar... Can I push your stool in?
I've got a new pet salamander.. I named it Tiny because it is my newt
What does a transvestite do on Christmas? Eat, drink and be Mary
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing and delivery
I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.
Wiki Hi this is a wiki I work on. I need help to expand it. It is a satirical humour based wiki. Someone any one please help me.
what do I get Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get?Tommy: Quarters.Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again?Tommy: Hamburger.
My phone reception is so clear, I can hear my wife's eyes rolling as I talk.
Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, "Yay! I won! Save the whales!"
Jay-Z puts down his phone and rolls his eyes. "The wife." "I hear that!" says Kanye, trying do the same but accidentally going cross-eyed.
Why do you have to nuke siberia twice? The first one is just to break the ice.
Hugh Jackman and Kevin Spacey are sitting at a dinner party.... Hugh Jackman says, "Hey, Kevin, can you pass the salt?" Kevin Spacey replies, "No soap, radio!"
My ex-wife is like a tornado First she blows, then she sucks, then she took my house and dog.
My ex got me arrested cause I used to sit outside her house all day. She thought I was stalking her but i wasn't, i just had her WiFi code.
What Do you Call a Bowler that drops his ball a lot? Gutterfingers!
That awesome feeling when you walk in the beat of the song you're listening to.
In a recent survey on why men like BlowJobs 6% like the feeling, 12% like the thrill and... ...82% just like the silence.
Turn your phone upside down to read the following message. sapnu puas
What do you call four condoms who play music together? A rubber band.
Whats black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains! Well don't have a shower because you might be dry clean only.
I was gonna make a joke about hitting the gym ...maybe tomorrow
I'm sorry I don't speak any English -me when someone starts talking to me
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer you're going to jail.
How was the Grand Canyon created? A Jew lost a penny (incoming angry comments)
I'd like to say the best moment of a woman's life is giving birth, but it's actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat.
My dad beat me so hard. Our priest asked him for some tips.
your mom is so stupid.... when I said it was chilly out she ran out the door with a spoon
I'm Italian, but I'm not "save a princess from a weird dinosaur looking guy, with my brother Luigi" Italian.
How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their little brooms!
I spent all night wondering where the sun went, but then it dawned on me...
Did you hear about the man with the five penises? His Condoms fit like a glove.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Why do the poles shift? to find better jobs
If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn't be writing this bullshit on the internet right now
What does Joaquin Phoenix say when a car almost hits him? ''Hey! I'm Joaquin here!''
Knock knock!!!1!1 Who's there? U fuk U fuk who? Ur mum
Which of the Three R's does this subreddit like to do the most? Reuse.
Why did the Seahawks pass the ball? To get to the other side!
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive.. They would eventually find me attractive
A bank is a place that will lend you money.... if you can prove that you don't need it.
What happened when Moses went to Mount Olive? Popeye got pissed.
I went to visit my Grandpa... My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
You know what they say about Dragon jokes They Dragon and on
If there's a pistachio that's difficult to open, I'll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper
If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don't lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic
What's Donald Trump's least favorite music band of all time? Foreigner.
I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
The worst thing about pedophiles is... ...they're all fucking immature assholes.
My wife caught me checking out the nanny the other day. She fired the nanny. Then she told me no more sex for a year! I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"
"knock knock.", "Who's there?", "Allah", "allah who?" "ALLAHU AKBARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"
Why is Santa so jolly? ...Because he knows where all the bad girls live!
There was once man..... That was really strong. He also loved drinking punch. That was the reason he went to parties. His name? Juan. Juan Punch Man. Edit: he's Mexican
Do Rabbis get paid for performing circumcisions? Nope, they just keep the tips.
Just found out today that the barber of my neighborhood got arrested for selling drugs. I'm shocked! I was his customer for years and didn't know he cut hair!
Went camping last weekend.. Yeah it was intents
"Is this the burn ward?" "Yes can I help you?" "You need to admit my mom, I told her that her casserole was ass-erole." "Stop calling here."
My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining the cops pull you over for no reason.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy? Sudden Lee
The Ghetto Finger Family Song Daddy finger, daddy finger, where are you? ... ... ...Daddy?
If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.
Boy: You are the most funniest and most beautiful girl I have ever met. Girl: You just wanna f*ck me. Boy: Wow and smart  to.
my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes then I probably reposted somebody elses joke
It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, He just didn't have the balls to do it.
If you're a woman and you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
Still waiting for #WTF! Friday where we all list people whose popularity is a mystery to us.
Muslim: I do not eat bacon. Jew: I do not eat bacon. Me: I will have their bacon.
Care free shrimp pasta is... Happy-go-lucky scampi.
I would rather be a goat or a bag of teeth than a "low information voter."
Do you know what "La Quinta" means in Spanish? Next to Denny's
I only believe 2 things 1. Respect a woman that says no 2. Never take no for an answer
And on another note... Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
What did the caveman say when he tried to have sex in his dark cave? I fucking rock.
Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend? When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
big pharma. if youre reading this i have an idea for a pill that makes you tinier so you can fit into secret zones. i will let you invent it
My friend's wife is so controlling. When they're together, he talks like he's filming a hostage video.
I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.
[ugly sweater contest] *starts sweating* *takes home the gold*
How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood? None because only beavers give a dam.
My favorite part about ordering a salad on the first date is going into the bathroom and eating 6 mini donuts.
When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it's an intervention for me
I told a Catholic girl my penis is named Jesus... ...because it always rises on the third date.
Why can't you play UNO with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
A boat carrying red paint, and a boat carrying blue paint, both crash into each other. The crew are now marooned.
Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo? Me: I'd rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.
I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine. It just didn't make cents.
Immigrants after Trump's election be like... [removed]
How can you tell if your wife is dead? [NSFW] The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Didn't make this up, credit goes to the morning show I was listening to this morning.
I moved to the south, people are different here. I started a conversation with a midget, but had to walk away. He was a little racist.
I like my men like I like my neutron stars Hot, dense, and degenerate.
I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up
A blonde strolls into her new office job at 10:30 The manager comes up to her and says, "you should have been here at nine o'clock," to which the blonde responds "why what happened?"
"Enough with the boys, I need a real man..." ...I said to myself while taking out the batteries from my Game Boy and putting them into a vibrator.
Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
What did the terminally-ill dock worker say about his health care? "It's asbestos could be."
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside 2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Why did they skip Windows 9? Because 7 8 9!
You can't spell grope without GOP.
How do you find a blind man in an orgee It's not hard
What's the difference between a  psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
How many Southerners does it take to change a lightbulb? Change? Whatever do you mean, *change*?
don't tell me starbucks isn't an emotion i feel that shit in my soul
I've been interested in this deaf girl lately, but I'm nervous. Someone told me she has aids.
What does NNNNNSSSSSAAAAA stand for? National Stutterers Association.
I have controversial opinions and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks! (Refreshes eight times to see faves and retweets)
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My wife has a seashell tattooed on the inside of her leg if you lay your ear on it, you smell the sea
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye AFTER you hit send.
Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested... ...charged with battery.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you're God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week. Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans? Because it was soda pressing.
How do you greet the cold horse across the fence? Howdy Neigh - Brr Made up by my 4 year old son.
People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
[preppin for rap battle] *pops retainer out* dont wanna give him any ammunition *takes off suspenders* that should do it *rollerblades away*
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status', do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is  people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
How can the eurologist tell if he is looking at a man or woman? Well, there is a vast difference.
Jesus one said: "he who lives by the sword will die by the sword" Apparently Jesus loved crossfit
What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 4 years? Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
Why'd the pervert cross the road? He couldn't pull out of the chicken
I'd prefer to read Yelp reviews from the kind of person who would never write a Yelp review.
What do you call it when a group of Germans give you money online? Kraut funding
How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort? Enough to kill two and a half men.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked  but don't worry, another study says you're just being paranoid.
An Olympian walks into a bar and says "damn".
Had sex with a socialist girl a little while back. Think I'm gonna need to see a doctor. whenever I pee, I start to feel the Bern.
older man discovers the subreddit showerthoughts one afternoon..... That evening discovers phones is not waterproof.
Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.
Jesus wasn't a very good carpenter... I mean... He couldn't remove three nails to save his life.
TIL: Hitler was a very emotional golfer ...Every time his ball went into a bunker, he became suicidal!
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar Schrodinger's cat walks out of a bar
I put Pepsi in my car instead of gas and now it doesn't work so think of that next time you reach for a refreshing soda.
What do you call an Eskimo optometrist? ...An optical Aleutian. I actually made this one up. But if someone else said it first, I wouldn't be surprised.
The only reason I'm on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Why do Mexican students act like they own the school? Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind
Why did the dog jump into the sea? He wanted to chase the catfish!
I was having sex with this girl, and she said some other guy's name. I was pissed. Who the fuck is Rape?
A pirate walks into a bar.... with a ship's wheel in his pants. The bartender asks him, "Doesn't that hurt?" The pirate replies, "Arr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? You just make fun of it, and it cuts itself!
A man tried to write with a broken pencil... But it was pointless
A schooner, a clipper and a junk sail into a bar, All hands lost.
Me: Don't spit at your sister! 4: I'm a bunny. Me: Bunnies don't spit. 4: I'm an acid-spitting bunny.
It'd be fun to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off that first mask.
What do you call a midget with leprosy? A leperchaun!
I don't mind hopping on the bandwagon every once in a while, but seriously, it's 2010. Buy a fucking car already.
What can think the unthinkable? An itheberg.
Why was the strawberry sad? His mom was in a jam!
I found Alan Rickman in the grocery store yesterday... Jk
"Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles!
Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Bob Ross went to hell... ...to beat the devil out of it ;) P.S. Just finished watching some episodes. I miss him so much ;( Paint in peace my friend...and God bless ;)
Her: In case you're interested, I'm dying. Me: Then I'll only set one place for dinner.
I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully while asleep... And not like the 60 students on the bus he was driving.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
Use "damn it" instead of "dammit," but avoid cursing unless OH SHIT DAMN IT WHO FORGOT TO GET FUCKING COFFEE.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's head as it hits the windshield? It's butt!
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.
No, YOU didn't tighten the cap on my urine sample
What do you get when you cross Hilter, the Terminator, and Cthulhu? Don't stick around to find out!
What does Jeb Bush say on the toilet? Please crap
I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are  cross-eyed but when they cry the tears run down their back!
why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (updated) "Cuz he just got dunked on!"
[Voice from police helicopter] PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! *raises hands* *takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight* *uploads new avi*
How many Latvian to eat potato? soldier
What do you call an 80lb midget with 40lb testicles? (SFW) Half nuts!
Your heart cannot be an American Hero Because I am going to capture it
What did Hitler name his network switch to? Auswitch
What did one ox say to another ox? A yoke.
I saw a sign that said, watch for children. I thought to myself... Thats a fair trade. - Demetri Martin.
I don't tweet about my boss because I don't wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
There are so many obnoxious people in the world, but do you know who really drives me to drink? Designated Drivers.
Why do so many white people get lost skiing? It's hard to find them in the snow.
My wife asked me what her favorite type of flower was. Apparently "All-Purpose" wasn't the correct answer.
Hi, I'm a German and I'm getting really offended by these Holocaust jokes. My grandfather died in the Holocaust. He was stabbed by a Jewish crip he was trying to rape
Why doesn't Oedipus swear? Because he kisses his mum with that mouth.
Why does the baker have so many loaves? Because they bred.
How do you call a robber in a suit of armor? A thief in the knight
What did Darth Vader say to the Internet? May the force e-with you.
Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant's!
You've taken 3 pregnancy tests this month. "What's your point" My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
What do cannonballs do when they fall in love? They make bbs
There's a thin line between "I should tweet about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that."
Do you know how Rihanna can tell when Chris has been cheating on her? He has someone else's lipstick on his knuckles.
What does Reddit need? Ahmad.
why did no one listen to the wheelchair joke? It had no back story.
Having identical twins is great because if you misplace one you have a second copy.
My Emmy party went off without a hitch despite my cat not answering me when I asked her who crocheted the dress she was wearing.
Don't let a Chromosome get you down One of my personal favorites.
Me: bedtime! Brain: you're hungry M: no I'm not B: thirsty then M: nope B: uhh sad? M: doing ok B: you forgot to do that thing M: nice try
Why does Bernie always hold the podium while giving a speech? It's tough to stand on your own when you have no spine.
I saw a bald eagle take a shit mid-flight today. I've never been prouder to be an American.
"No comment"  said no woman, ever
Decided to burn a lot of calories today so I'm thinking of setting a fat kid on fire.
Did you hear what they found in Jeffrey Dahmer's freezer? Ben and Jerry
My shy father was killed by a falling piano. His funeral was very low key.
A bee just landed on my cheek and didn't sting me. I think we're dating now.
[Doctor's Office] Dr: I'm not going to candy-coat this.... Me: *misses bad results of test because I'm imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My cousin is having trouble with the mods on Reddit... ...he's my cousin twice [removed]
SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there's nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.
What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a  gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming? Paul stop monkeying around!
Getting hit by a sound wave a couple of times won't affect you. Increase the frequency however... And it hertz
Did you hear about the linoleum factory in France that exploded? The locals call it Linoleum Blown-apart.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that's why I surround myself with lazy people
What did the illiterate man say upon realizing the couch he just purchased was made of fake leather? Oh for faux sake!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo? A kangamoo!
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we're in this big fight.
Today we're celebrating the five-year anniversary of me and the woman who works down the hall avoiding eye contact with each other.
My wife left me for my brother My twin brother.
**I am undecided about abortion** On the one hand I support it because it is killing children. On the other, it gives women a choice.
What's the bet part about having sex with twenty two year olds? There's twenty of them!
I never knew why a Frisbee became larger as it got closer... Then it hit me. . . ^^^I'm ^^^sorry
How does a painter support their art in this economy? Easel-y
Heroin is like a baby.. ..it feels so amazing to have in your arms.
DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I'll be there in 80 days
The "eye for an eye" philosophy isn't exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
How big are pedophiles shoes? A footlong.
What do you call a fissure in the earth that houses old Russian rulers who like to mock others ironically? Tsar-Chasm
Five reasons not to use an electric toilet Number two will shock you
What do you call a teacher who's always late? Mr. Buss
Donald Trump and the 2016 Presidential Election I would make a political joke about it but then it would get elected.
What do gay horses eat? Dick
What do you get if you squash a house? A flat.
Really the only advantage of a rainy day is that it is illegal to exercise.
What do you call a electric Volkswagen? A **Volts**wagon
The junkie tried but couldn't quit All of his efforts were in vein
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine] vending machine: i have a boyfriend
The only problem with kissing a perfect 10... ...is how cold the mirror feels against your lips.
The bad zoo A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo is a dog. It's a shizhu
Whats Big, Black, Hard and full of semen? A submarine
They were called Jumpolines until your Mom got on one.
Best joke in soccer right now. Mexico's national team.
I like my women the way I like my coffee. I don't like coffee
I'm terrified That I might be a hypochondriac
How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? He felt pretty cross.
[infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
How is Budweiser like Making Love in a Canoe? It's Fucking Close to Water.
A fox walks into a diner and orders a six layered sandwich.
A day before the elections Hillary tells Bill: "You know, tomorrow there will be two presidents in one bed." Next day Bill asks Hillary: "So.. do I wait Trump here or should I go over to his place?"
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
What do lesbians cook for dinner? Nothing; they eat out!
The way you feel while mumbling through that part of the song you don't know is how I feel about all my life decisions.
What's the difference between a special needs worker and a gardener? One of them has to water their vegetables
Knock knock. "Who's there?" Creepy. "Creepy who?" This is a nice bedroom you have.
Man walks into taxidermist. Asks a deer "you want a bite of my sandwich?" Deer replies "No thanks I'm STUFFED!"
Did you guys see Micheal J. Fox's icebucket challenge? The water was so cold , he's still shaking.
"pew, pew, pew!" -me, pointing out seating options in a church
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, I'm giving you a blow job!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are. Preposterous.
If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain't no hope for the rest of us
When it comes to penis size I'm happy to report that I'm actually a little above average. Thank god for Asians.
I didn't realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit "shuffle" in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I'm so old that I was the tv remote when I was a kid
I'm at my most nurturing when I'm plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.
Why aren't there more women in STEM? Because they're stupid and illiterate.
Nothing adults love more than telling people how exhausted they are. It's like a sadness competition.
What do you get when a deaf guy tries to talk to you at a urinal? Wet
I can't believe its pancake day again already.. It's really creped up on me!
It's not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Never own a pet store. Stores make bad pets.
I went to the zoo the other day,... there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat* even if you already have a cat, *replaces it with a worse cat*
What's the best way to make pants last? Make the jacket first.
Did you hear about the guy that got married to a T.V. antenna? I guess the wedding was boring, but the reception was great.
Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then
I've always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali's hand Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it.
Traffic..The only jam that doesn't go on toast
People who take things literally on twitter, stop. Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.
Nothing intrigues me more than wondering who inspired the DO NOT DRINK stickers on the back of cement trucks.
The one knock knock joke I'm sure you've never heard. ...Silence....
It's that time of the month for robots iPads
The milkman A man comes home to his wife and says 'apparently the milkman has slept with every woman on this street except one', his wife replies 'I bet it's that stuck up cow at number 12'
My girlfriend must think I'm rich and dying She keeps telling me to leave her a loan
Her: Why's the couch smell like pee? [Flashback to me watching The Ring alone] Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? He walked.  J.K................... Rowling
Starbucks Employees at Starbucks hate me...probably because I never buy anything when I go there just to take a dump.
What my father said to my prospective college roommate the first time they met... Do you know how to tell if you roommate is gay?? His cock tastes like shit!!
Hide and Seek Started a game of hide and seek with my dad 20 years ago. He's the best, where you at Dad?
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation's ability to stow overhead luggage.
I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.
The perfect woman is 3 feet 4 inches tall with a square head ... So you can rest a can of beer on her head while she blows you.
"The past tense of LOL is not LOL'd, it's L'dOL." - How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.
You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
Guys, share your most ridiculous ideas Successful women
FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous. SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.
How many letters can you wear on your feet? 10 E's
Don't forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else's house and telling everyone it's yours, then closing the post office.
i was going to tell a gay joke... buttfuckit
Study shows that people eat more bananas than monkeys I don't even remember the last time I ate a monkey!
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
What kind of bees make milk? boo-bees
[me as a cop] Me: Mrs Hill? Woman: yes Me: it's Ms Hill now Woman: huh Me: ur husbands dead Woman: h-how? Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' - White people at Indian Buffets
In California, there's just "pot" at the end of the rainbow.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.
How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...
did you hear about this new fish? nevermind it's satill in beta
Oh great! Now my phone is calling me a low life. Oh wait it's low battery life sorry that was my self esteem reading it wrong
Q: What is a bellybutton for?  A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
Whats the difference between a circus and The Rockettes? The circus is a cunning array of stunts...
BILL COSBY Rapped me in the arse with a pudding pop!
[DATE] ME: I'm a literature buff HER: who do you read? ME: read? *cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena? I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.
TENS OF PEOPLE DIE EVERY YEAR FROM TIGER ATTACKS! JOIN THE MOVEMENT! #Tony2012
Me: oil change plz Toyota: it'll be $39 Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon 4 hrs later T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Just bought lean chicken breasts instead of hot wings for supper because I'm a stupid fucking mature adult.
Who's a modern pirate for the 21st century? Neckbeard!
yo momma so fat her shadow engulfs all of manhattan
My wife said I'd look good in a beard, I wasn't sure... But it grew on me!
The two most valuable lessons I've learned in life: 1) never reveal everything you know.
These tweets are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
Why is Rob Zombie good for the health of Redditors? They see his AMA and turn off the computer.
To single moms... To single moms, I feel like the saying "easy come easy go" has an entirely different meaning.
I'm glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Ladies, if you don't want to answer a question from a guy, say, "I already TOLD you. You never listen." We have no idea if you're lying.
I'll tell you a cheesy joke? I don't like cheese. :0
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt
What do you call a church leader of the Flying Spaghetti Monster religion (Pastafarianism)? A pasta (pass-tah)!
I was throwing banana peels at other cars because I'm out of turtle shells, officer. Duh.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger Then it hit me
My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she's ever seen me pay a bill
How do you make a woman go blind? Put a windshield in front of her.
Whats an Italians favourite part of football? Half time, they get to switch sides again
What did Yoda say to Luke when he was constipated? Try or try not, there is no do.
I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I'd do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.
A man is drunk outside a bar Suddenly he starts beating up a nun walking by. Two bystanders pull him off the battered nun and the drunk yells "you ain't so tuff now are you batman!"
TIFU by trying to catch fog I mist
Where do cheeses go to the bathroom? In a Parma-John.
Chuck Norris can't fly... But he does it anyway.
A dad and his son are getting competitive while playing Smash Bros. The dad says: "I fucked your mom!" To which the son replies instantly: "Yeah, well I've been deeper inside her than you'll ever be!"
I wrote a short poem Roses are red and I am feeling blue because there is one less gorilla in the Cincinnati zoo
Wanna see an ass-trick? Here --&gt; *
Nudist's have the right idea.. Screw laundry!
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
What do politicians do for fun? Rave at the party.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat The Wheelchair Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat,   The wheelchair
How are women and hurricanes alike? The both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
I'm convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking "What a cliche way for a fat person to die of"
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex... Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I want to be a father someday But my son says I should start now
A dad asks 4-year-old son: "How'd you sleep last night?" Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed?" Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.
A pakistani cabbie called me a racist I didn't say a word and left the cab. Because you don't negotiate with terrorists
I'm so fresh... ...I get put in the produce section.
Are you on a date with me or with your phone? Just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night.
You want to urge someone to do something ASAP, when do you use "come to" instead of "come on"? come to me...
Did you hear the library at the University of Alabama burned down this morning? All three books were destroyed. One of them wasn't even colored in yet.
Why did the condom go flying through the air? ... It got pissedoff.
Her: Undress me with your words... Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Arjen Robben goes down easier than a thirsty tourist in Magaluf.
What did the vegetarian do to get ripped? He juiced...
Donald trump wins presidency
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated.
If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve... ....that would be a reservation reservation reservation -credit to Brian Regan
I hate the French They give me the Crepes
"OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!" haha, no way losers. I've got things to do. *cop whispering* "what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!"
YOU WANT TO HEAR A JOKE ON NITROUS OXIDE .... NO :-p
Getting laughs on Facebook is like going down to the elementary school and dunking on the six foot goals.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
Happy Mothers Day We love all you mothers.
I hate self-promotional people. They're so into themselves they probably don't even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
You know, a cemetery isn't such a bad place. People are just dying to get in there
I commonly known for arguing over what gives an object weight Some people say I'm a mass debater
What does Snoop Dogg eat? Beets by Dre.
Why are black people fast runners? They have 3 long strong legs.
I always hated church because of all the standing, kneeling and sitting... I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.
What did the carrot say when the last vegetable arrived at the party? TURNIP
How can you tell a Belgian in a submarine? He's the one with a parachute on his back.
What is west saharan favourite number? Data not avalible.
Herbal Doctors, someone should tell them Thyme Doesn't heal all wounds.
*looks at you in batman voice*
How did he get from Afghanistan to Iraq? Iran (He ran). Thought of this when looking at the world map, sorry that it's terrible.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
What's tall, handsome and muscular? Not you!
Jew problems An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!" The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
Did you hear about the cross-eyed carpenter? He *literally* can't even.
Its Valentines Day...If u r married go & kiss your wife or husband , if u have a gfbf ..do the same ..n if u r single, kiss the ground and thank GOD !! =)). HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
In a group friends when you laugh you will always look at the person you like the most... Thats why I always sit next to a mirror.
(Trump rally) Trump: I'll take questions now. Reporter: How will you fix California's drought? Trump: More water. Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she's a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics? Because he was Snow'den.
Whats long and hard on a nigger? First grade. 
Why wouldn't they let Helen Keller drive a car? Because she was a woman
Just re-watched the lesbian scene in Black Swan. For the articles.
So I just heard there is a disease killing off the Alligator population in Florida. They all got Gatorades.
Age gets better with wine
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? *The taste.*
What is brown and has got four legs and an arm? A Rottweiler on a children's playground.
What is the difference between a midget politician and syphilis? One is a cunning runt.
Want to hear a word I made up? Plagiarism
Skinny Jeans All jeans are skinny jeans if you're fat enough.
I'm not flirting. I'm just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive. 
What's the greatest symbol of inequality? =
[All credit to Ana Kasparian from the TYT Network] So, I heard Kim Kardashian is having Kanye West's baby... At least she let him finish.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword
Every Scooby-Doo mystery could be solved by asking, "1: Who is your most disgruntled employee?" and "2: Does he have access to a mask shop?"
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.
How do you know which potato is a prostitute? It's the one that says, "Idaho."
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Did you hear about the Mexican hit-man who was a chronic masturbator? He got excited when he was ordered to rub Juan out.
Looks like my prof is giving black friday deals too 50% off late assignments.
When do you use duct tape on a duck? When he's quacked.
Mandy was applying for a summer job. 'How old are you?' asked the owner of the store. 'I'm twelve years old Sir' answered Mandy. 'And what do you expect to be when you grow up ?' 'Twenty one Sir.'
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. But it takes 20 episodes
What's the difference between a tea bag and England? A tea bag stays longer in a cup.
I have orange skin, a lot of green and dislike mexicans. Who am I? A orange tree.
So, a happy Muslim on an empty stomach enters a gay bar............. Bartender asks, "What will it be!?" The Muslim replies, "Shots for everyone!"
Gee this couple posted so many selfies during their trip. They must've had a great time proving us they had a great time.
I made a gun in the style of a social justice warrior It has too many triggers though.
What do you say to a girlfriend who calls you a lazy couch potato? Well let me tell you...
It's impossible to ruin our friendship with sex. It was ruined the moment you called it a friendship.
A wind turbine asks his friend what his favourite genre of music is To which he responds: "I'm a big metal fan."
When in history was there ever an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones?
How to survive a beat attack Run faster than your wife and kids
Please don't ruin Breaking Bad for me... I'm only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE
The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.
If a Rastaman ever wants to tell you a story... Don't bother, they just Babylon.
Italian Knock knock Knock a knock - who's there - Ayatollah - Ayatollah who? - Ayatollah you already.
Since they won't vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
What's the difference between a procrastinator and a prognosticator? Well, I haven't come up with the punchline yet, but you can probably see where I'm going with it.
What do baby swans dance to ?  Cygnet-ure-tunes !
What did one hash brownie say to the other? We're so baked. What did the stoner say to his friend? I'm so high,I can hear the brownies talking to each other.
Exposure has never been higher, tourism Sierra Leone created ebola... The most effective 'viral' marketing campaign of all time.
Why did the snowman have his pants down? Because he heard the snowblower was coming.
Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You're happy until shit explodes in your face.
What do you call two mexican firefighters? Hose A and Hose B.
I invented the word "plagiarism"
Why are oranges like bells? You can peel (peal) both of them.
Have you seen the new recycling center around here? No? But you're already in /r/jokes
A joke my Google pixel told me Two fish are in a tank and one says to another,"how do you drive this thing"
You're so fat, they oughta call your dick "Gary Oldman" ...Cause it always disappears into a roll.
No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
What do people wear when they go to a new planet? Terraformal wear.
Why can't your hear a pteradactyl go to the toilet? Because the p is silent.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
If a letter sounds like its name... ...is it an LMNOP-uh?
There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb. One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
I fucked this girl for an hour and 45 seconds last night. Thanks daylight savings.
Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick? Me: Nope, you're the first one. Gf: What? Me: What?
What is it? It has legs, but doesn't walk, beak, but it doesn't bite and wings, but it doesn't fly. What is it? -A dead crow
I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don't give someone a reason to talk to me
Why can't you fool the aborted baby? It wasn't born yesterday.
I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction. But it's not hard.
Girls are like blackjack. I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
I like my coffee how I like my slaves Free.
The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled. "Why so glum Chum?" asked the kindly stranger. "If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"
What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners ? Mercy !
What pokemon does South America have that other continents don't? Zikachu.
Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.
I called the suffocation hotline yesterday... I was instructed to hold.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow thrower? Give her a shovel.
While doing their job, why do teachers lose self-respect for themselves? It's DeGrading
What's Kayne West's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading
Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn't have any common sense.
I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten..
* Grows beard to woo women * * Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No with mustard.
What's the hardest Olympic sport to master? Hurdling. There are a lot of obstacles on the way, and it's hard to get a leg up on the competition.
Every time I read news about ISS Im like what did ISIS do this time... half way through the article... how the hell did they get to space. Oh wait damn you dyslexia!! edit: joke
I always try to tell myself that I don't actually hate people as much as I say I do...and then I go to the mall.
I'm on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It's called: Miso Hungry.
TIFU by forgetting that today is Fathers day But it's actually on the 21st...soooo
What Do you call an alligator in a vest? An a investigator.
It's amazing with all of the bars in Boston that AT&T; only has one.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run... with bulls.
Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.
WHAT'S a pirate's fav'rite Letter? Aye, ye think it be RRRRR, but it's the C.
*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I'm sorry. This just doesn't fit me like I thought it would.
A vegan buddhist... ...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.
American cheese is just regular cheese that's not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it's fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
There's been a lot of scammers claiming they're from the electric company calling to get payments from overdue bills... They're getting pretty crafty- they even turned off my electricity.
My girlfriend walked in on me putting on a condom. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "Wrapping your Christmas present!"
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't Jelly my dick in an ass.
I can explain a paradox They sit right next to each other in the water
What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov? I'm putin' that guy to sleep
A paedophile says to a school boy "I'll give you a lolly if you come into the van" The boy replies "Give me the whole bag and I'll cum into your mouth".
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
The Four Types of Orgasms The Good "oh yes, oh yes" The Bad "oh no, oh no" The Religious "oh god, oh god" And the Fake "Oh *person's name*"
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Two fish in a tank. One asks: How do you drive this thing?
Spin the bottle is a lot like Russian Roulette if there's an ugly person there.
My wife likes to look at my face while we have sex. So i gave her a picture of me for when she goes out.
What did they name the Chinese remake of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs"? It's Raining Cats and Dogs
What happened to the cold jellyfish ?  It set !
Little monster: Mom I've finished. Can I  leave the table? Mommy monster: Yes I'll save it for your supper.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says "I'll have h2o" The second scientist says "I'll have a water" The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.
A quadriplegic goes on a blind date... And he gets stood up.
Somebody told me I need to give my new Smart Car a name. So I called it 'Octomom' because even though I can technically fit 8 people in there, it doesn't mean it's a good idea.
What begins at the end and ends at the beginning? Back to school ads
Women only call me ugly until they see how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all
PARENTS: if you have an ugly child, please don't post 8 million pictures of them online. Thank you.
What is a frog's favorite dance? The Lindy Hop.
BoB had 35 Kakes. He ate 30 of them. What does BoB have Now? He have diabetes
After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Spaniard walk into a bar.. The Icelander couldn't come because he was still at the European Cup
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My three year old had a nightmare last night He lost his ipad
(Slightly racist) What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? One can finish a race.
Make the little things count! Teach midgets maths!
What do the Police, the NFL and Black Lives Matter all have in common? They all have the same PR guy.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
I don't get what's up with Black Friday. All Fridays matter, guys.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It's like, dude, he's the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I told my doctor I abused drugs last night. Doctor:how? me: I punched my bottle of vicodin
Why is hockey the bloodiest sport? It has three periods.
What do you call a notebook where you record information about your poops? Some people may call it a log journal, while others call it a diary-a.
When does a boy scout become a man? When he eats his first brownie!
What does an LGBT couple do to show affection? embruce
How do ducks fly high? They use quack!
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.
If I hack a movie in Guadeloupe... Am i a pirate of the caribbeans ?
I have caller ID for the front door. If you don't call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Are people in culinary school required to do dessertations?
Two dogs are going on a walk down the street They walk past a few parking meters and one dog says to the other, "Hey, check it out! Pay toilets!"
Tom Cruise's nickname in between the sheets Cruise missile.
What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.
Sperm Donor In search of lesbian couple.
A wise man once said that life is like a box of chocolates the black ones don't last very long
What do Alexander Skarsgard and Ikea have in common? Swedish meatballs
A father bull and his son are standing on a hill. Overlooking the cows. The son says "dad lets run down there and fuck a cow!" The father bull says "Son, lets walk down there and fuck em all."
Are you gonna tattle to HR every time I threaten to burn your baby? Grow up!
White woman has a baby with a black guy.... And she becomes a single mom.
What do you call two black men flying an airplane? Pilots, you racist!
The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.
My son's favorite toy is the free blood pressure machine at Walgreens.
What is the longest sentence that a man can make? I do.
Where is the best place to have anal sex? A cemetary, freaks a woman out a little bit, makes it that much tighter...
FDR said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." He should have said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself and polio."
The racist dove Married a racist hen And together they started A coo clucks clan
[working in garage] "Hand me a screwdriver, son" A flat one? "No" [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
What's a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? COMET
Telemarketer: Are you a homeowner? Me: How big are your lips? Telemarketer: .... Me: Your lips. Are they huge? *click*
Tried to "Catch 'em all," but who wouldn't get sick of that imperious little prick Pikachu always referring to himself in the third person?
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to begin eating itself, as it was the less painful way to die.
Your body is your temple is a really terrible proverb to promote chastity. Literally anyone can come inside a temple.
How do you get away with murder? Become a cop first.
Brutally honest? I'm always honest ... I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth
After 3 months of Crest White Strips, my teeth are so white they bought me a gift card to Anthropologie & wont stop talking about Mad Men.
I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 20. We were at a bar tonight and people kept giving us dirty looks. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? He doesn't know when to come in
Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card. "What is this 45 in math?" asked her father. "I think that's the size of the class" she said quickly!
Everyone in the world but you is a robot and the experiment is going really poorly.
What is Batman's least favorite Sex Act? The Pearl Necklace.
You wanna know the best food to eat when sad? Cheerios
Are you guys alright? No you are all left.
If Being with someone is so great.... ....then why do all my married friends ask me how to delete their internet histories?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] "when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine"
What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn ^He^^He^^^He^^^^He
It should be illegal to play a police siren on the radio. Signed, my pants.
A black man went into a bank and asked for a job. "You're in luck!" said the manager. $50 thousand a year, and a car!! "You're joking!" said the black man. "Of course I'm joking. But you started it!!"
Why is it detrimental to have a robot with repressed sexual interests? It has some kinks to work out.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she's been giving me lately.
Every time you say you're humble, I want to buy you a dictionary.
Where did Suzy go when the bombs fell? Everywhere.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Chicago is the cleanest city in the world right now... BECAUSE IT JUST GOT SWEPT!!!!!!!!
I heard Jared lost about 7 inches. .. But little Susie isn't sure.
There are two types of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from an incomplete dataset, and
It's not all about the money. It's all about all shit I can buy with the money.
Help please I don't get this?// https://www.imageshack.us/i/pmqPA0DIj
What do you call a cross between a turducken and a tofurkey? A turfucken.
What did Mr. T say when he saw a fat woman sitting at the bar? "I pity the stool."
Why do Muslim extremists prefer to drink cappuccino? Because they hate french press.
I'm 87 but have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel But it takes up too much room in my freezer, any suggestions?
"Superman gets morning steel. That's hot." Filed under things I think about while having my coffee.
flames on the side of your car screams i want small children to think im badass but i want parents to know im not financially stable
A reporter interviewed a 103-year-old woman. "And what is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
If your nose runs and your feet smell..... You're built upside-down.
When you're trying to be cheesy But everyone around you is lactose intolerant
Premature Ejokeulation What do you call it when someone puts the punchline to a joke in the title?
"We're out of options, I'll have to use the jetpack," I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
How do Soviet prison mates greet each other? Gulag to you too.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they've never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Can we all stop pretending that alcohol tastes good?
Do you know what paraplegics can't stand? *that
What are the differences and similarities of flint michigan and the walking dead universe? They are both post apocalyptic but only one produces brand new cars.
My penis was once in the Guinness Book of World Records. Then the librarian told me to take it out.
[test driving car with car salesman] *parks on make out hill*
So Samsung released a new knife! Its brand new cutting-edge technology
How do you walk out of a Casino with $1 Million? Walk in with $2 Million.
If a quiz is quizicle, what's a test?
I call bullshit on the Chinese language. There's no way that shit is real.
Did you hear about the couple's resort that burned down? Not a single person died.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table? Circumference
5-year-old: I'll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland Me: You finally understand we can't afford it 5: You should just send me
Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.
Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.
What is the only type of folder that can make you sick? Salmon Manilla
I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts. Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0
my mom took me to "bring your kids to work day" when I was younger- the day went all right, but I just dont think the other strippers liked me.
Why should you eat your soup in a cup? So that it's not ebola soup.
Whenever I go to McDonalds, they always ask me "What can I get you?" and I always say "Give me a second." And they always give me the number two.
a magician was driving down the road... then he turned into a driveway
What do you call the North Korean dictator? Seouless
Music is best when it's louder than I can think.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
I just ate 2 lbs. of Greek yogurt in one sitting And people say I'm not cultured...
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does...
What do Smokey the Bear and Alexander the Great have in common? Their middle name.
Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year
What did Chris Brown say to Rihanna the first time he saw her? I'd hit it
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No ideer. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? A: Still no ideer
A cook married a hacker, on their first night. there is a cock and a hooker
Do you know how to make a Venetian Blind? Poke them in the eye
Why did the idiot stare at a carton of orange juice? It said 'concentrate' on it
I'm happiest when people tell me "Don't be a hero" because there's absolutely no way I'm going to disappoint them.
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? Zero, they just beat the room for being black
Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist? Sold his soul to Santa.
I hate when people say 'I died laughing', and don't die.
War Machine is such a hard worker... That he even took his work home with him.
I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. "Hey! How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Don't touch my nutella with your banana.
TIL Amedeo Avogadro died of skin cancer. He never got that nasty mol checked.
What do you get if you cross a giant ship with the Internet? The Site-anic.
I know this guy just hit the walk button, but I'm gonna hit it again b/c he looks like an idiot who can't do anything right.
I really could use some steroids. My balls are just way too big.
A Jewish Boy Asks His Dad For $20 Surprised the dad says, "$10 dollars?! What the hell do you need $5 dollars for?!"
Robin Hood went to see a doctor... ...he was diagnosed with Menintightis.
Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Chuck Norris had a body count.
Nice tan. I'm guessing your mother is white & your father's a sweet potato?
I faked a cough to get out of work. I tell myself I wasn't lying... I was just being SARScastic.
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
I went into my local record store recently... and asked the clerk "do you have anything by The Doors?", and he replied, "just the fire extinguisher".
What did the Pharaoh's wife nickname her husband after he farted during sex? Toot n' comin'
Does this $2500 electrician bill make my ass look broke?
What do you call a haunted accordion Polka haunt us
What do sick cannibals have for  breakfast? Vitamin bills!
What is a phobia of chainsaws called? Common sense.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Is there a God? A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
Why is faith greater than science? Science made buildings and planes but faith brought them together.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Junkie Barbie ...complete with needle tracks
My Friend Told Me His Girlfriend Talks a lot in Her Sleep.. ..Apparently "I Know" wasn't the right answer.
Potty humor... Have you ever taken a shit that smelled so bad, you had to re-evaluate your lifestyle? I either need to become a vegetarian, or do a colon cleanse with holy water.
What does a programmer have during sex? An ||gasm.
What is the difference between a church and a cult? Their Punch.
What is the medical term for a fat cow? Morbidly o-beef
How does the devil measure his drugs? In pentagrams
Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.
Who reads the news AND makes coffee? Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)
My childhood joke Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."!
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ's. If I'm gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you're working with are idiots.
Do you remember blowing Bubbles as a child? He told me to tell you see said hello.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"........................ Idiots.
Q: What does a blonde make best for  dinner? A: Reservations.
My friends and i wanted to dressup as the Pokemon Trio today to play Pokemon Go... Unfortunately our friend Brock was too busy chasing tail, so it got cancelled.
How do you make holy water? Boil the *hell* out of it.
I really hate seeing old people fall over, it makes me feel so bad. Maybe I should stop tripping them over.
What do you call a pie who made his own ears? A pioneer
I get bi with a little help from my girl friends.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a gun to it's head and tell it to.
What do ghosts watch if they want to relax? Skelly-vision!
What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? They both say insert Bill
42.7 percent of all statistics... ...are made up on the spot.
[on plane] Me: It's ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I'm a hippo btw Me: Nooooo
Why does skrillex suck at fishing? He always drop the bass. sorry
Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn had a huge argument over whether to circumcise their son Lindsey went downhill from there, but Tiger made the cut.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don't get any worse than that.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his driveway? Because he was snowed in.
A guy walks into a zoo. The only animal there was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
A guy ties up his dog and walks into a barber shop He says aloud " Bob Peters" The barber says "No we only do haircuts here"
When I die I want my body donated to science Specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life.
Not now, kids. Daddy's pretending to be a woman on the Internet
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair (credit to my physics teacher's wife)
(NSFW) What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
me: [raises hand] my date: again, that's not necessary
What's the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with boobs? A repost.
In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.
Just been banned from my church's Easter service. Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
Q: What is a volcano? A: A mountain with the hiccups.
Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose? They suspected it of fowl play.
If Bill Clinton gets divorced... Does that mean he's over the Hil?
*writes employment history on arm *writes professional references on thigh *writes email address on neck *adds "resume" to resume
I like my women like I like my deer... Mounted.
What did one eyebrow say to the other? H-eyebrow
All day people keep mentioning the new 20 dollar bills I check my wallet everytime somebody mentions it and mine are all still Jackson.
Wanna hear the best knock knock joke? Yes? Okay, but you gotta start off. * You: okay... knock knock. * Me: Who's there? * You: ... * Me: .. * You: ....... * Me: thats the joke, fool.
North Korea reminds me of a redhead Because they both have no Seoul
Who will win this Super Bowl's coin toss? Hillary Clinton
Babe Ruth points at a toilet, then takes a gigantic dump in it.
9/10 men said they like women with curves The tenth one liked the other 9 guys.
How many tumblr users does it take to change a lightbulb? Light is triggering, shitlord. DOWN WITH THE BULBTRIARCHY
"You are what you eat" I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter....if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno Business! (say with sass)
Islamophobia caused by baby sheep? Yes it is... Credit to Newsjack BBC for this one.
I don't think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
What's the difference between a French Knight and my friend with a genie? One's a Paladin, and the other's my pal Alladin
Don't worry, Pope Benedict XVI, I get it. Mondays make me want to quit my job too.
Why did the cup fall over? Because it was drunk.
What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? ... I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. Edit: Whoa, I knew this was a great joke but didnt expect this. Thanks!
LIFE HACK: A pancake makes a great and edible mouse pad.
Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Why don't Muslims have dirty minds? Because they're so easily brainwashed.
What do Spiderman and I have in common? We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.
Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours wondering where he'd seen himself before?
Everyone keeps telling me that the holocaust happened.. But I don't know if it Israel.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy that can hold a cup of coffee in each hand and 6 donuts
Where do religious cattle go to eat? Out to pastor.
Don't bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a bird? A: A gulp. It's like a swallow, only bigger.
What do an old cars and pasta have in common? They're both al dente.
I've removed swim with dolphins from my bucket list. Mainly cos I can't swim and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal.
Why do they call it PMS Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Want to hear a sports joke? Lance Armstrong
Hard work pays off in the future but laziness pays off now
I'm not a pessimist. I'm a depressed realist.
I learned something new about Hordor (GOT SPOILERS) He's Canadian.
"Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?" Oh it died?
At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.
Why do black guys like overweight white women so much? Good credit and a fat ass.
Ex's are like college Sometimes you wanna go back, then you remember that they would have killed you if you had stayed much longer
What's a dentist's favorite time? 2:30
Just been on bigbustycoons.com Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.
Him: Whatcha thinkin about? Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.
What do you call a Moroccan candy distributor? Fez dispenser.
Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely. It's women who make it hard.
What do you call someone who claims to do drugs to try to look cool? A marajuannabe.
What's the fastest land animal on earth? An Ethiopian chicken
[puts dog in car] Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet Wife: why u whispering [car screeches away] Me with wife in headlock: thats why
So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon. All I got was a blank CD.
Why was the Mathematician frowned upon? He was a chronic math-debater
What's big, thick, hairy, and makes babies? Your mom.
My favorite word is penetration. My second favorite word is done.
[job interview] "What would you say is your greatest strength? I'm pretty humble. Actually, I'm incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick: My girlfriend.
How did Darth Vader cross the street? Ewoked.
How many Americans does it take to change a bulb? None, Mexicans do it for them.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it'd be less violent & the shirt could say "you suck" so the target still gets the message
OMG another Chilean just got voted out of the mine, can't wait to see who wins
Sign in a store window during a blizzard "Got frostbite? Fingerless gloves, half off!"
What did the slutty girl buy at the furniture store? One nightstand.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Argo ! Argo who ? Argo down the shops ! Kn
The IOC has claimed that they will catch Olympic drug cheats. I'm not so sure - they're pretty fucking fast.
I can't hear out of my ear... It's really EAR-itating
My pregnant dog licked the floor after I cleaned it with ammonia... my vet said she was a basic bitch.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?".
I'm half Muslim I'm only entitled to 36 virgins
Sundays always bring out my inner senior citizen....
If your car is too heavy You can always use lighter fuel.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
I asked the guy from 127 Hours for help with my homework. He said, "I would give you a hand, but I'm stumped." I'll show myself out.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
People should be able to spell arbitrary however the hell they want to.
Did you hear about the little skunk who got lost in the woods? He called home on his smell phone.
A horse walks into a bar Several people got up and left at the potential danger in the situation.
dying to have A guy goes into bar and says to the bartender." I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. The bartender says " Well, the worst way I can think of is standing up in a hammock."
People who were huge fans of the Backstreet Boys are now in positions of responsibility, making important decisions.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[interrogation] Where were you last night? "Out killing people" Louder for the tape [leans in] "The Cheesecake Factory, that's where I was"
I'm pitching a prison dating show called 'America's Next Top Bottom'
I've asked a question, ignored the answer and been too ashamed to ask again, way more times than I'd like to admit.
Ordered a side of fries with my meal and the server forgot and they never came. I have been wronged before, but not like this. Not like this
If you tell me to make myself at home, don't be surprised when I take my pants off and drink all your vodka.
How do you catch a peculiar rabbit? Unique up on it.
What do you call a tissue that is sleeping? A napkin
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... so he gave it to her.
What do you call an intelligent Saudi Arabian woman? Target practice
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Man: You've brought religion into my life. Woman: Really? How? Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
Your mom can deduct mouthwash and contraceptives as business expenses on her tax return. Because she's a ho.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall. 4-year-old: I'll just be small and happy.
which 2 insects are the most foolish? ant-ticks
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. "Did you notice I'm wearing a suit?" "Yes"
I don't know what NBC showed last night.. But it must have been awesome, everyone is sporting their colors now.
A large hole was found in the middle of the city. Officials are looking into it.
Democrats are the sexiest party... Because no one wants some elephant
What is the difference between Spiderman and Superman? Peter Parker can swing a web. Clark Kent.
Here's an oldie but a goodie. Your Mom.
From where did the sperm whale get it's name? Ask your grandparents.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in the first grade, who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
How do you know if an introvert likes you when you're talking to them? They'll stare at your shoes instead of theirs.
A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her"if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly"
I will ride you like a helicopter. Totally out of control.
What do you call a dead baby with a yeast infection? ....... a quarter pounder with cheese.
1. Religion. 2. ? \3. Prophet.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party? Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father Me: there'll be like 50 of us there. We'll help you look
Two cows are standing in a field ...and one says to the other, "Say, are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?" And the other one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter! PFFFFFT!"
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
What's white and gives you a solid 9+ inches that gives you a workout every time? Snow Storms
What does a proud computer call his little son? A microchip off the old block.
RIP Boiled Water You will be mist.
What do all failing students in New Orleans have in common? They are all below "C level".
My wife uses an entire bottle of dish soap when she washes the dishes every night. Another day, another Dawn
Baby's first knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there? HaHa! You're never going to get this one!
I got caled into jury duty today... That's going to result in a well hung jury.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I'm bored. Sounds like my sex life at the moment
New Internet acronym: RALSHMICOMN Rolling Around Laughing So Hard Milk Is Coming Out My Nose
How did Charles Darwin die? Natural causes.
[robbers outside bank] When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks "But can't u feel your pores really opening up?"
I think Stu does not gets the recognition he deserves Without him, those who are studying would just be dying.
Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.
Fact - If you add "ish" to your time, like 9:00ish, you're never late for anything
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The respirator. (My dad told me this while he was cooking asparagus)
[exchanging vows] HIM: I'll love you forever. HER: I'll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that's fair.
Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.
Which is Donald Trump's favourite music album? the wall by pink floyd
[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions] me: lemme explain y this is problematic
My friend brought me to a club for philosophical digging. It got pretty deep. ^*I* ^*tried*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we're now Amish
Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.
You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of photoshop ended.
What is the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger
Why do we call lady parts beavers? Because they devour wood.
Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.
My boss told me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track"
On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ... ... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.
I was absolutely disgusted when a gay guy came on to me at the bar. After kicking his ass out the door, I went for a towel to clean it off.
A really big joke... r/jokes
Why did the scientist get punched in the restaurant? He ordered some NaCl.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Did y'all hear about the circus fire this weekend? Yeah, scary stuff... they say it was intents.
I said to the shoe salesman - I'd like to return these shoes... They've got holes in them! Shoe Salesman - Hmmmm yes, that certainly seems to be the Crocs of the matter.
Looks like I'm going to need to have the "drug talk" with my daughter because this ecstasy she sold me is NOT working.
My grandpa died peacefully in his sleep I can't speak for everyone else in his car though
I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
[starts Power Point presentation titled "Why I'm Breaking Up With You"] Him: Wait, what the--? Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Why did the Indian pedophile miss work? He was feeling a little Sikh.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
"Just because you Can't dance, doesn't mean you Shouldn't dance."  Alcohol.
This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn't sleep with him.
What's the best day to eat bacon?  Fry-day.
My friend told me he has developed a lung disease... I told him to explain it to me asbestos he can.
What do you call a sketchy place in Italy? The "spaghetto"
Ferguson shoe store broken into and looted everything but the work boots section.
Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...
Rumour... I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock. It's a false alarm.
Help! I've been robbed! They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap. Dirty bastards
"His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he's spaghetti, his Mom's spaghetti." - Eminem first draft
On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you love kids?
What's similar about a shy jihad and a bagpipe They only make noise once they've been blown up.
Why did the black man have a heart attack? afrosclerosis
I never trust atoms They make up everything.
Clinton to Trump: Release your tax returns! I have never seen them. Trump: ...but I emailed them to you. Of course you've never seen them.
I pull more tail.. ..than a slow kid at a petting zoo.
A time traveller walks into a bar... http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsgus/and_the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
I'm really conflicted about abortion. I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it's the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
The joke about The bed hasn't been made up yet. And the joke about the kitchen... Well, it's too dirty to tell. I have plenty more of these.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
How do you confuse Hellen Keller? Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.
"We've isolated the gene for the long, drawn-out sigh!" -Sighentists
I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm. Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants? Oh.
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are left on a deserted island, Who survives? America.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Bleecker St. You insisted you weren't choking and put up a good fight.
What vegetable is the favourite of British people? Queuecumbers.
1: Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Looking back on Britain's 2016. The year most middle aged men went from wanting to fuck Nigella to wanting to fuck Nigel up.
Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll? Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.
Without me it would just be aweso. Just saying.
Fish sticks? Do you like fishdicks? Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth? You're a gay fish.
What did the perverted scientist say to his colleague? If you need me, I'll be in my Lab.
Undecided voters are the same undecided people we hate for holding up the buffet line.
Say at cat 'Im rubbin ur belly' while rubbin belly, 'Im pattin ur head' while pattin head, else never learns anatomy, becomes Texas senator
if u switch the m&amp;e at the end of memes it spells meems which has the same pronunciation
What's long, green, and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger
I hate double standards. If a woman has sex with loads of men she's a slut. but when i do it that makes me gay?
Farted in front of my Jewish boss today. He wasn't impressed. It's not like a little gas ever killed anyone.
A detective tries to find to where his clothes were stolen It was a brief case.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting* *meeting starts* *I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers* *touches all the paper work*
you know how in movies the women always wake up with hair and makeup already done? I wake up like that but with a top hat&full tuxedo
My favorite sexual position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt was able to finish a race.
Case In Court After The Jasleen Kaur Case He argued... She argued... . . . . He shouted... She shouted... . . . . .. and then she cried...... . . . . Result: She won by Duckworth-Lewis method !!
My kid threw five hot dogs in the trash, in callous disregard of the pigs who nobly gave their snouts, hooves and anuses for our dinner.
Q:Whats is fat ugly and gives good head? A:Your mom OOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOooooo
Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
What's a pedophiles favorite piece of classical music? Symphony in A Minor
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bassoon ! Bassoon who ? Bassoon things will be better !
The guy who stole my diary has died. My thoughts are with his family.
I like my slaves how I like my coffee. Free.
What are the symptoms of amnesia? I can't remember
The Nokia 3310 was ahead of its time... Dust proof, water proof, had a nearly infinite battery life, indestructible, AND no audio jack!
My smart friend My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
What does a German snake say? 
So I hear Robin Gibb died a few days ago. There's only one BeeGee left now... ...I guess he's Stayin' Alive...
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
What do you call your girlfriend after a tough workout? Sorbet
BEDSIDE CONFESSION Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina." Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either.
Him: I like meatier girls. Me: I killed the dinosaurs. Him: What? Me: What?
How do you get a Nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy...
why didn't the american leek want to talk to the japanese leek? because it was negi
It's kinda corny... What did baby corn say to momma corn? "Where's pop corn?"
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It's because fish can't survive in my secret reservoir of  vodka.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Knock-Knock jokes? He won the no bell prize!
The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called "15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions. We Love You Brittani!"
Anyone wanting to hide information from me should just put it in a spreadsheet and email it to me.
Don't make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
A termite walks into a bar... He says, "Is the bar tender here?"
I fell in the mud. And took a shower right after!
Why do Russians love Pho so much? Because they're so...viet.
Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!
Shoutout to my grandpa. That's the only way he can hear...
I finally found out why guys get married because wives are cheaper than spending all you're money on whores.
Why don't they teach sex-ed and drivers-Ed on the same day in the Middle East? Because the camels can't handle it.
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
My cat told me he's old enough to move out on his own now but then he said nah I'm just kitten
What do you call an expert at making ship parts? A master master.
I almost didn't remember today was September 11th Then I felt bad, because I said I'd never forget.
During sex, my wife is a screamer in bed ...That is when I walk in on her.
A guy walks into a bar.... ....with a pile of shit in his hands and says hey, look what I nearly stepped in...
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa... ... not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it's going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
What do you get if you cross human and goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo
What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They get to smell the goods but they never get to eat them
How do you know if the moon is waxing or waning? If it's waning you'll get weally weally wet.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.
What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
How do you get the walls of your house as bright as they can possibly be? Use LED based paint.
The girl that cut my hair said "Is there anything else I can do for you?" and now I'm permanently banned from Famous Hair.
What is the best anti-joke you know? Well a joke that isn't funny, but still is because it isn't. If you know what I mean. These are kind of much easier to remember.
[crime scene] photographer: I'm done unless you want another angle or something. detective: let's do a jumping one!
A lot of people are saying that it was a ref's bad call denying the blackhawks goal... But we all know that it was really Buffalo Wild Wings doing.
There sure are alot of the_Donald posts on the front page It sure makes me glad that 14 year olds can't vote.
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !
Understand men, or die trying. Or try dying. Or quit trying. Or lie crying. Or cry tweeting. Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.
What's the difference between a crackhead and a methhead? Toothless methheads give better $3.50 blowjobs
Q: What's E.T. short for? A: So he can fit in his space ship.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we're done. Me handing him my boxers: I'm in a rush. Just wring these out.
For every male action, there is a female overreaction...
i bet you spend all your money pizza and hookers. Pssh Dad, i dont spend money on pizza thats ridiculous.
When's ladies' night at the Mexican restaurant? Taco Tuesday
Dead Baby Joke Whats the difference between a rock and a dead baby? You Can't fuck a rock
You know what they call alternative facts that are true? Facts.
In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
What do you call a frog with seven legs? A seven-legged frog.
A guy is fucking his wife up the ass when the house catches fire. Why does his wife make it outside first? Her shit is packed.
Who is the strongest thief? A shoplifter.
Why is the new Windows OS called Windows 10 Because 789
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Hey cat, how's about I lick myself for hours then puke where you sleep? Don't answer that. Why do I even talk to you. Stop looking at me.
Golf Joke: The Cast Away - YouTube http://thesandtrap.com/t/63042/golf-joke-the-cast-away-youtube
Did you read the book "Rusty Bedsprings" by I. P. Nightly
I went to the Zoo today but they only had one animal and it was a dog... It was a shit zoo
Did you hear about the football player who went to jail? He went in a tight end and came out a wide receiver.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Dear #Athiests Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My friend collects scoliosis journals He has *back* issues.
Did you hear about the mathematician who became a monk? One evening he was solving a trigonometric equation and then he saw a sine.
"I don't want a lot for Christmas." Later... "All I want for Christmas is you." EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
What floats, is very-very heavy and carries a variety of flavours as a payload? A *Souper*tanker! Simmer on that! - I say!
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. To be read: *seven ate nine*
I've always had an over-active imagination. Like that time I found myself drowning in an ocean of Tango  it took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
What's the difference  between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.
My wife accused me of being immature... So I told her to get out of my fort.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW. On a Porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
How do you hold a pirate rabbit? With its buccaneers! Source: Dad.
I broke up with her... Her name was "anti gravity" and she would never "go down" on me.
I will tell you a racist mexican joke in three, two, Juan...
Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s. Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.
I love pressing buttons, so as you could imagine this makes it really difficult for me to be around nipples.
Damn, that girls so basic... (Biology) Damn, that girls so basic she got a ph of 14!
LOOK AT HOW HE OUTGUNS ME http://xboxclips.com/Kolt+the+Don/f1dd03d5-32b3-4238-9134-393050b8d254
What is the pig's favorite musical instrument?  The piggalo (piccalo).
My girlfriend started pms-ing today. I thinks it's just a big ovary action.
I'm sorry. I had your Sharona confused with mine.
What would you get if you crossed Bill Gates with Louis Leakey ... a philanthropologist.
I'm not a recluse, I'm just playing hard to get with society.
Why was the desperate teen spinning in circles around the hot chick? Because he really wanted that beyblade.
If I see you selling weed, I will call the cops.... and report a robbery across town..... then come over and buy some weed. Safety first.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
How did the sloth become President of the tree? He slept his way to the top.
Harambe and Cecil the Lion walk into a bar Bartender asks, "What'll you have?" They respond, "Two shots, please."
My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian
How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Girl was towelling her wet pussy, she enjoyed it and started rubbing it vigorously... Until the pussy cried MEOW and ran away. Always be kind to animals..!!
Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could learn to drive. Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".
When are we going to change "til death do us part" to "for the next five years" ?
Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
What do you call a resounding period? A standing ovulation.
A man sees a woman 500 feet in the air... He asks her "hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" She says "No. Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
What did the redneck get on his SAT? Drool.
Why is camping so fun? It's in tents!
Guys, enough with the fat jokes.. Can't you see I've got enough on my plate already
What did the hat say to the tie? You just hang here, Ill go on ahead
Why do vegans give good head? Because they are used to eating nuts
What's a dank memer's favorite letter? 'A' lmao
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
When you say '' friends with benefits'' I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store
Today a girl kissed me I wish I could post it in another subreddit Edit: Thanks for gold :D
Want to hear a joke about Alzheimer's?
What do you call a group of dogs? a PAW-se
Hear about the first Polish Olympic gold medalist? He was so proud, he had his medal bronzed.
How do you kill a hippie? Tape a hula hoop to the bottom of a pool
Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the  elephants coming ? Here come the elephants
[me on phone with mechanic] Car won't start. I think it's the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.
What is it called when a chemist has a really great winter break? Litmus
A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The male cashier says: "You must be single." He got fired.
Did you hear about the eagle who could catch a squirrel with only one claw? He was very *talon*ted
Why was 6 afraid of 7? because 7 RAPED 9!!
People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it's difficult to drive.
If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced... Are they still brother and sister?
The word 'mortar' has 2 different meanings. As I discovered today when the house I built blew up.
My brother and I own adjacent farms The other day he rode over to complain that I was growing marijuana on his side of the fence. I told him to get off his high horse.
How to be popular on Pokemon Go in New York. Go in a middle of Manhattan while playing Pokemon Go and yell with the top of your lungs; CHARIZARD ,CHARIZARD!!
AudioPhiles be like .mp3, .wav, .flac
How do you get a Jewish girls number? you ask her to roll her sleeves up.
My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.
Sometimes I keep Facebook open in two tabs to remind myself I'm worthless.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say Helllllooo from the other siiiiide. My daughter came home from school with that one.
When the smoke detector goes off, it's time to flip the grilled cheese sandwich.
Why is a train a bad person to go to the bar with? Because all he says is "Chug Chug Chug"
A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender looks up and shouts, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" "You have a drink called Steve?"
A dog with only 3 legs walks into a saloon in the Old West He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
I can't stand Freud... him and his motherfucking complex.
Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
I don't like coconut so I don't eat coconut. I don't follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl* Oh my goodness was that my...(sexy voice) political science degree
People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
It's true what they say about the cast of the new ghostbusters film. They truly have no dick.
What's up with black people? They're not black... And they're not people.
[Woods] SNOW WHITE: Oh, what a lovely little house! GOLDILOCKS: [in ski mask] Beat it, sister. I've been scoping this place out for weeks.
Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud "target is in site!", see who panics.
A mathematician was pregnant Her friend asked her: - Boy or girl? - Yes.
My new favorite sex position is called "wow". It's where I turn your mom upside down.
Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap? It takes longer to pick up.
Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.
You know what gets me down? Gravity...
Ole! What does a fat white chick and a cinder block have in common???Both will eventually get laid by a Mexican!!!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don't get to read my tweets.
When pinguins fly, you are probably drowning.
I've got two part time jobs. I'm a boxer, and a warm up act at the comedy club. I read between the punchlines.
Condoms 1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats. 1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
[First day working in a warehouse] ME: What's that machine for? "Oh, that's the forklift" ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
What book did the rabbit take on vacation?  One with a hoppy ending.
Stapling my scrotum to a tree... Not a great way to start any evening...
That song from Frozen is really getting old... I kind of wish people would just... Let it go
Why doesn't the KKK like Halloween? Too many spooks.
Mulder: it's some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure. Scully: we're at the mall, Mulder. That's just Santa.
I'm concentrating so hard on trying not to eat a third cupcake that I literally can't do my job
Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer to think of it as Surprise Adoption
My girlfriend in college left me for another woman. I completely misunderstood her when she said she was going to study a broad.
Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.
My friend asked me if I was ever going to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe.
Best/worst joke out of a trip through Germany "Knock Knock" "who's there" "brat" "brat who?" "bratwurst"
Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes... Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.
What did the pilot who fail flying school did when he went home? Got high.
How do you make a cat bark? Wrap it around a tree
When you get pulled over by a cop... A cop pulled me over and said "Papers..." So I said "Scissors!" and drove off ; )
I'm not intimidated by a pretty woman. I'm intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
A pirate walks into a bar... Ouch.
If isis gets bombed They'll be called waswas
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk. We take our lazy seriously around here.
What does train tracks and breast have in common? They are both ment for boys but in the end it's the men who plays with them
Two men were out hunting together... (Joke made into a video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M3rgkpx3Lc
Keyboard Humor. Finds a ESC key from a keyboard on the floor, make the shity pun; "the Esc key escaped."
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
(My mother's proudest creation) What do you call it when you lobotomize terrorists? Simplifying Radicals. Yes, she's a math teacher.
Where do polar bears go to deposit money? A snowbank
Why can't you eat soup in the Matrix... Because there is no spoon....
My dick is like an airplane MH17
I want to marry a girl named Jane So that when our kids act out, I can just say it runs in the janepool.
What's green and comes out of your nose at 160mph? A lambo-greenie!
My wife dared me to yell out "HURRY UP HAYDEN" at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Ans : No time at all it is already built.
How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears? Seven.
Me: Why can't we feed the animals? Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.
My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
What do you call horse hay from Mexico Jose
You know what the difference is between an chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
My girlfriend said things needed spicing up a bit in the bedroom, so she introduced me to pegging. It did the trick  we've been together ten years now. Give or take.
Want to read a joke about pizza? Never-mind, it's too cheesy!
The fact that Fred Flintsone ate brontosaurus burgers seems less charming when you realize Dino was also a brontosaurus.
At the disco last night. They played twist. I did the twist. They played jump. I jumped. They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi
I still don't understand why people say marriage is so hard when I've successfully completed 2 of them...
Everytime I close my eyes, I think of you... 'cuz damn..It's sooo black just like you, nikah! --- I'm sorry...
Donald Trump could very well be our next President. Laugh, because it's a joke, guys. Guys? Guys! ...It's not funny anymore...
Have you heard about the Polish strip club? There are Poles everywhere.
When your body is a solid 10 But your intro and conclusion need work
Just saw a great panel at Comic-Con, "How to Talk to a Human Woman."
What did one condom say to another? Let's go to the gay bar and get shit faced.
Why was the 4 year old African kid crying? He was having a mid-life crisis.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary? Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years Then we met.
Why did the Jews wander in the wilderness for 40 years? Someone dropped a penny.
Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie? Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.
"Where do escalators come from?" "Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much..."
This is Eric's wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
What do you call a turkey with Parkinson's Disease? Turkey Jerky
We haven't spent a dime for snake food since I discovered all the free pets on craigslist.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? a Neck-tarine --From a great co-worker
I just thought of a great joke!! https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48lziv/hey_guys_i_invented_a_new_word/
What do you call a group of Spanish-speaking moms who band together to protect their neighborhood? Super Barrio Mothers
Chances of me doing anything at work today are about hahahahahahahahahahaha%.
What kind of bird always sticks together? A velcrow Courtesy of Jokels.com: http://jokels.com/jokes/what-kind-of-bird-always-sticks-together
just putting the facts out there 2 educate. personally know a guy who tried pot one time and he was mauled to death by a bear years later
You know the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash their crack and sell it again
Blowjobs after marriage... Is sad joke.
My brother's on a seafood diet. Really?  Yes the more he sees food the more he eats.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They aren't falling for that again...
What did Luke say at Han and Leia's wedding? May divorce be with you
You're never too old to throw random shit in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
how do you make holy water boil the hell out of it
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Proof that Bush did 7/11 Jet fuel cant melt ICEE's
What do you call the area between Pamela Anderson's breasts? Silicon Valley
(30 year old white guy voice) what we need is change in the political system which is why im voting for my neighbors dog that bites children
The guy who coined the phrase,"I'm not gettin any younger." The guy he said it to then coined the phrase,"No shit, Sherlock."
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree
Where is Engagement, Ohio? Between Dayton and Marion.
I love the way that the earth rotates it really makes my day
Waiting for the day when parents finally admit that their kid is in fact ugly instead of thinking they have the most beautiful kid ever.
Why do spoons live such diverse lives? They like to mix it up.
Class action lawsuits are like lottery tickets for people who complain a lot.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt* I'll have whatever is the most splattery and red
What's the most obvious slang word in the Star Wars universe? Yo, duh.
I have daily sex... ... I mean dyslexia.
Why would John F. Kennedy make a horrible boxer? Because he can't take a shot to the head.
What do you call a lesbian octopus? A lickalotopuss.
Did you hear Donald Trump was in a fantasy action movie? He was the White Power ranger
I bet a lot of Seattle fans' wives had to order pizzas last night
My Executive Director said to me "Well aren't you an eager beaver" I was like "Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???"
I'm Trying Out Something New and Dating People Regardless of Their Gender: We'll see how it Pans out.
What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You have to look for the Fresh Prince.
What do you call an African Bukkake? Chocolate frosting
[at zoo] Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
When do you kick a dwarf in the balls? When he is standing next to your lady saying her hair smells nice.
They say to never eat your own culinary creations. But I can't help myself, it takes 9 months to make my famous Baby Back Ribs.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I stepped on an almond. When I looked down to see what it was I thought 'Awe damn. I busted a nut.'
How much does Nicki Minaj sell security devices for? Pound an alarm
When is the best time to hold a funeral? In the mourning. FYI, my 11yo says he made this up today, right after learning of death in the extended family.
What did Blizzard do on Warcraft's opening night? Farm gold in China.
Short Jokes As a short person, I don't understand short jokes. They always go right over my head.
I like my men like I like my coffee: I don't like coffee.
What do you call a fake noodle? ImPasta
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
First cannibal: I can't find anything to eat! Second cannibal: But the jungle's full of people. First cannibal: Yes but they're all very unsavory.
A boy was sent home from school... And his mum says to him 'that's the second time this week you have been sent home because students were giving you handjobs. Maybe teaching isn't for you.'
What do you call a Mexican Jedi? Obi-Juan
Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack. - OPRAH AND AIRPORT SECURITY
Just beat Guitar Hero on expert in case anyone is looking for a virgin to sacrifice before midnight.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey... ...but then I turned myself around.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
When I was done filling my tank, a little bit of gas leaked out of the nozzle onto the ground. I actually felt my peener nod with empathy.
I painted my computer black last night Now it runs much faster
What is a Spanish person without a car called? Carlos
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less "Where is the bathroom" and a bit more "She was dead when we got here".
Join the food train Chew chew!!!
Why does Santa Claus like to go down the chimney? Because it soots him!  Beat that!!
What do you call an unconvincing stick insect? Unreali-stick
"Pistorius" sounds like a spell Harry Potter would use to make someone's legs disappear That's a Frankie Boyle joke
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The Bartender asks "Do you want a drink?" Descartes says "I think not," and *poof*. He's gone.
I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white. Looked pretty plane to me.
A cannibal eats his date he said it tasted sweet.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
"And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?"-- Teen Brian Williams' mother
I had sex while camping once It was fucking intentse.
I asked my girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage... He said I have to take the rest of her too
Why did the comedian quit boxing? He always missed the punchline.
What did the plate say to the mug? Food's on me tonight.
You know why I love dead baby jokes? They never get old
How did Mace die? Through the Windu.
What do you call parents who teach abstinence only? Grandma and grandpa.
My dick is like and old antenna television... ...it takes a pair of needle nosed pliers, and a few smacks from my father to get turned on.
Girl if you though you saw the whole bakery, you ain't seen muffin yet
How do you know a chinese thief has broken into your house? All of your rice is gone, your computer is fixed, and the mother fucker is still trying to back out of the driveway.
What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drone!
Damn girl! Your name must be Ebola... All I can think about is you spreading.
What did the rock say when he had to leave his girlfriend for a long time? I pumice I'll come back soon!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone. Guess who has a new ringtone.
I said, should we go to my place? She said, "Come to my house tomorrow, no ones gonna be home. " I went to her house. No one was there.
Yo momma so fat When she went to the beach the whales started singing "We are family!"
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... An they see a young boy. The priests says, "you want to screw him?" The rabbi says, "out of what?"
Why is Yoda the worst copilot? "Yoda, are we still going the right way?" "Off course we are"
What's the difference between a joke and three dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.
What do you do when a scientist dies? You barium! ba-dum-tss
I tried to write a song about a fajita.... But it turned into a wrap.
After the explosion at the cheese factory... all there was left was de brie
The Bible is subtitled "Shit My God Says".
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
What do you call a Mexican hooker who doesn't charge any money? Fritatas
If I swollow A weener whole, will it come out the same way? I feel like it would be really good if that happened.
You can't run through a campground You can only ran, because its past tents
A doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit. When he goes to sign the check, he realizes he's scribbling with a thermometer. "Oh, that's great," he says. "Some asshole's got my pen!"
Scared of eating genetically modified fruit? Grow a pear.
That one day of fame on Facebook when it is your birthday.
Why did the Duck flying in the sky get Shot? Michael J Fox was hunting rabbits.
Why are books the only thing advertised as "Wherever books are sold." You can't sell other stuff by saying "Wherever you get this shit, IDK"
A man named Isaiah with 2 eye patches changed his name to Saah No I's
"we want to talk" Somebody knocks on door: - Who is there? - Police? - What do you want? - We want to talk. - How many of you are there? - Two. - So talk with each other.
I was going to tell an ISIS joke but then I lost my head.
If Amy Winehouse complained a lot... She'd be Amy Whinehouse
What's the ultimate rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why do Jews like to watch porn backwards? They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
What did the white guy say when he saw the twelve black men in the jury box? "Great, it's a hung jury."
Judge: Are you married? A. No I'm divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name.
Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?
There are two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Post and Repost were sitting in a boat. Post fell out, so who was left?
What is the worst part of being a pedophile? Fitting in. No? Too old for childish jokes? Sorry.
How many fugitives does it take to fix a light bulb? 1/3
What's the worthless piece of skin hanging off the end of a penis? A man.
Want to hear a dirty joke? A pig fell in the mud
When is it okay to punch a midget? When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
What's the quickest way to clean semen off a poodle? Seriously. I need to know because my mother-in-law is due back home in about 20 minutes.
I need puns about tea! (Herbal and medicinal tea) for the chalkboard outside my sisters shop. Please help? Something better than R2Tea2
All I ask is that when I'm murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I don't always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I told a girl a joke. She said, "Don't quit your day job." I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian."
I've Got a Surprise for you! says the excited girl friend. "abort it" he reply's.
Rabbis Don't get paid for circumcisions. But they get to keep the tips.
How Many Bit Coins Does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? 00000000000001adf44c7d69767585--5572eca4dd4-db7d0c0b845-916d849af76 PM me the answer!
Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.
What kind of jokes do filipinos make? Punny ones
I told my dad that I was taking a C programming course. He offered to give me some pointers.
What happens when you throw a green stone into the Red Sea? It gets wet.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap? You're welcome.
How many redditors it takes to change a lightbulb? [OC] It only takes 1. But another 999 to repost this 100% original joke. I made this.
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? The headline said "Small Medium at Large"
What do you call a mexican drug dealer? MariJUANa
I wanted to make a porno with a ghost.... But he only did boo-kake
I didn't know it was Earth Day I'm usually in the dark on it...
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try anal She said 'Sure' and then put her finger in my butt.
How did Kanye West ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ?? "will i marry you?"
I've done some pretty stupid things while I've been drunk, but in alcohol's defense, I've done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.
what if princess leia went to the dark side? then she would be luke's sithter
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don't want anymore children living on our street.
A friend of mine asked if you could catch AIDS from a toilet seat. I said, only if you sit down before the other guy gets up.
TIL During World War 2 over 200 civilian and resistance soldiers of Albania managed to ambush a convoy of soldiers and destroy their equipment. Reports say the soldiers did nazi them coming
I suspect my girlfriend is cheating on me Every time we have sex, she calls me Jesus. *Oh Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus , Oh Jesus!*
I bet Apple's new iPhone will be a huge 6s. (Context: https://www.reddit.com/r/apple/comments/3hgadu/apple_iphone_6s_launching_on_september_18/)
Which university has the most muslims? SUNY
How many procrastinators does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh well, I'll figure it out later.
How long did it take the fish to go to the store? salmon or eight minutes.
Why are Mexicans called spics? Because they spic spanish.
big bang There is neither big nor bang in big bang.. It's just sudden expansion from nothing..
WARNING: There's an email going round... ...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can. If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT. It's spam!
What do Romans use to cut pizza Little Caesars
The last time Twitter was down I was forced to speak to real people. Real people go on and on and on and on, for way over 140 characters...
Where did Mary go after the explosion? Everywhere
A friend of mine was run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry. When the policeman informed his family he said "There's no easy way to say this"...
If you had a 12 inch dick sticking out of the middle of your forehead, how many inches of it would you be able to see? None. Your gigantic balls would be in the way.
How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Racists dont like to be enlightened.
Why do dogs hate outer space? Because they strongly dislike vacuums.
It says here on your resume that you're "good at traps," could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Where does a rapists train stop? Anal deva-station
What's Hitlers least favorite drink? Jewce
What was the most devastating thing in WW2. The environment was ruined from the gas.
Did you know that if you put your ear on Beethoven's tombstone you can hear his music in reverse? He's de-composing! Heard that one on the radio this morning.
I love the smell of my F5 key It's so refreshing
Epilepsy is a real problem, you shouldn't make light of it. Or rather, you shouldn't make light then dark then light at a rapid pace of it.
Why are Catholics the worst drivers? They always pull out at the last second (usually to avoid a child).
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley One was assaulted.
Need a new emoticon? Why not (V)(;,,;)(V) ?
What do you call an owl with no forehead? I sucked too many dongs last night to remember
A Trump supporter asked an opponent what the candidate should do for the American taxpayer. The opponent laughed and said, "How about becoming one himself?"
What's the worst thing about being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book.....deserving of a happy ending....
Why didn't the Christmas Cake go to the dance? He had his raisins...
What's an artist's favorite fruit? Crayon-berries Sorry
Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train theif? He has loco motives.
3 K's don't a right They make a white
There's nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don't like them.
I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.
What's the best way to get to church on sunday? Mass transit
A man walks into a podiatrist and whaps his cock out The staff look at him and say "thats not a foot" "No but its a good 9 inches" Bu-dum-tissh
Punny wednesday The phone rang 'green green' and so I pink up the phone. "Yellow? Blue is this? Can you speak louder? I can't hear you purplerly, I'll call you black later."
Q: What do you call a country bumpkin from Michigan's Upper Peninsula? A: A hick-UP
Windows 8 is like my ex... Looks good, is nice for touch and play, but terrible for the real work.
What do you call it when you give a downy kid weed? Baked potato.
Want to piss your girlfriend off? Text her "He's busy." and turn off your phone.
Oh baby, were not going to need a 'do not disturb' sign. We're going to need a 'please don't call the police were fine' sign.
I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
What's the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Thank you to the Spanish public for. .. ...rallying round and providing new headlines.
The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him "Bambi." nnShe deserved what she got for that.
What do you call four black guys hanging in a barn? Antique farm equipment.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make 
What do you get from an overly pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
A buddy of mine quit his job at the paper mill, He said the conditions were tearable.
What's the definition of relative humidity? Sweat on your balls when you're doing your sister.
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
Good morning beautiful breasts of my neighbor. How did you get inside these binoculars?
jail phone hey what do you call a phone in jail? a CELLphone :D
Whats green and can kill you if it gets between your teeth? A tractor
Me: I don't like online shopping. I'm old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it. Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke's on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
2 deer walk out of bar... One says to the other, "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there."
We decided to go out for bbq tonight. As it turns out, I'm too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.
10 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me! She said no both times. (   )
Have you heard about Corduroy pillows? They are putting lines in your face!
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
What do you call a dog with no legs in the ocean? Bob Barker
Click here for spoilers Microorganisms Humidity Light Heat
Alcohol and calculus don't go together very well. Don't drink and derive.
Two soldiers are in a tank... ...one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".
Yo mama so fat, she sat on my iPhone and turned it into an iPad
How I Want To Die I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the four other passengers in his car.
Instead of my usual Monday snark I'm going to be upbeat and have a great day LOLJK today will ass rape my spirit animal with its angry fist.
I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty. Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?
I am gonna die with this joke http://www.thegeekbyte.com/install-wordpress-localhost/
What percentage of Scottish people are twats? 55.3%
Bruce Jenner, substantiated proof... Women are worse drivers.
What do they call brassieres in Germany? Holdzemfromfloppen
What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip? Coo.
Walks into a bar A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding. She got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
What does the unemployed starving man ask his rich baker friend? I just need some bread
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go bike riding?
New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
The Class of 2019
Welcome to the website for sufferers of arthritis Click to find out more
Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
Haters are like crickets You can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet.
I got my car towed by a celebrity yesterday. I don't even have THAT big of a car.
Your Momma is like Communism no class
Two fish were in a tank... and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
I have beiber fever; every time i hear about him i get sick.
i don't think women should stay in the kitchen... i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there?
Girl, you be the British and I'll be Paul Revere.... I'll be riding and you'll be coming.
I ask WebMD to diagnose the weird brown mole I just noticed. "1. Is it delicious?" ...Yes? "2. Were you eating Easter candy in bed?" ...Oh.
What do you call a cheat sheet you use for a Philosophy test? A Nietzsche-t sheet!
Why does Skeleton Soup taste so poor? It lacks body
What do you call it when a hooker farts? A prostitoot.
I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take algebra!
Clones are people two.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Woman
What do they eat for breakfast in africa? Ebola cereal
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it's okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
"Buttocks! Sexy sexy buttocks! Introduce me to your buttocks! My name is Tony!" - from my new song, "Dusk in Vienna"
[knocks on neighbor's door] HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE
Overall productive day.. *Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks *Called my mom *Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
How do you kill a circus clown ? You go for the juggler
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I'd rather be "uncool" than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.
If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
What do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute
Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $47! -Attorneys
Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?  Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
So there we were, 5 against a 100... man, did we fuck those 5 up.
You can't force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD Q: Why did the stoner cross the road? A: Who else would follow a chicken?
I'm still not convinced Mitt Romney was born.
TWITTER: something just isn't clicking here HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth] TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
What's the difference between pussy and parsley? People actually eat pussy..
[at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water
The doctor says I cut my sentences short.
Nobody knows why our shoemaker always makes the insides of his shoes rock-hard... They say he was just born without a sole
I know Tinder is gonna help me meet the right person because all it takes is a mutual like of Virgin America on Facebook.
In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was "I'm less stabby than normal" not "Please tell me about your cat."
I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
They say my generation is completely narcissistic ... They're just jealous ...
You know what the difference between "Pay to Win" and "Play to Win" is? L. Which stands for "Lots of Money".
Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.
I like big buts and I cannot lie. But that doesn't necessarily make my grammar bad.
What sort of shoes to ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What's the difference between a Pakistani military post and a Pakistani elementary school? Beats me, I just man the drone.
My sister told me to "take the spider out" instead of "kill" it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
"You home?" -scariest text you can get
Fat joke You are so fat, your shadow died from a heart attack.
Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more guys I promise.
Fart John farts in the local market and Jack says: "What was that ?" John says: "That was an atomic bomb"
*sees a couple of vacuum cleaners making out* "Ugh, get a Roomba"
Elon Musk must smell pretty good.
My girlfriend is like God. Doesn't exist...
Whats Putins favourite food? Ukrainian take away.
Glad my parents spent 100k on my education so now I can type "c u @ 2" to my pot guy.
Why do the Irish wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Where do cows like to ride on trains? In the cow-boose.
Wow, I got this new lamp from the store and didn't use a dime! But instead, I used 30$
What is better then roses on a piano? Tulips on your organ.
Q: Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? A: He found a leek there.
What do gay horses eat? Hayyyy
Did you hear about the pirate who wanted to cut hair for a living? He moved to the barbery coast.
How did the farmer move his cows? In a mooving van!
Don't cry, that onion didn't deserve you anyways.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage... The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Roses are red... violets are red, tulips are red, daisies are red. Doppler shift!
Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He lay awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted
The stock market is like a woman.... ....when she goes down, you buy more
Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians... They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.
There's a great new website that helps you find the local church that is right for you They call it, Evangielist.
Him: You're married? Me: Well, it's Thursday. So, yeah. Him: What about on Friday? Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
What do you call a smoking hooker? A hookar.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTALIT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER ME: omg what're u gonna do to me? DEMON: werewere you not listening just now
There's no i in denial.
In Iraq why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day? The camel gets too tired.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre... So he gives it to her.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I keep making Freudian sex, I mean, slips.
Why couldnt Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.
Do you know why it's called the Holy Land? Because it's full of bullet holes.
If Hannibal Lector is not a vegetarian, what is he? A humanitarian.
Gary Coleman just died. Life is short. He died of multiple aneurysms. Different Strokes.
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents...
How do you fix a broken pizza? Use tomato paste.
Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.
Why does the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean? It is italicized.
If you don't order beef for dinner... That's a missed steak.
So Kim Jong Un just banned sarcasm in North Korea... Well that's good. Proves everything he did before that was all 100% serious
Wife: can you pick up milk? Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy Wife: I mean from the store Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Death is like a chance to fuck in high school or college If you find out how it was close - you will be surprised.
A white couple doesn't just simply 'have a baby' without posting a pic of them showing her growing gut every day for 9 months.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private. I ate 32 bananas today & made $725. I have diarrhea.
Why would Koreans make great jazz musicians? Because they have Seoul.
What did one fetus say to the other? Guess we're wombmates!
Friendship Application, Question One: If you see that my selfie has 0 likes, will you like it faster than humanly possible?
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.
Why are orphans terrible at baseball? They've never known what home is.
People who believe in aliens are such freaking idiots. I'll tweet more about it when I get back from my Bigfoot hunt tonight.
Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten: 1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
The sign said: FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH, but I doubt it.
Don't bother entering the sail-raising contest at the boat club. It's rigged.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Why did the console gamer faint when they visited the art gallery There were too many frames
Some people think cancer jokes are over the line... I think they grow on you
Do you have a go-to joke to tell someone who is clearly having a bad day?
*comes home from work *wife jumps in my arms *sees I'm crying wife: Why are you crying? me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Did you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff? They found his Head &amp; Shoulders behind the couch.
Being atheist is like buying a floor model No assembly required.
"The most comfortable place to put your elbows at dinner is on the table, so I'm gonna go ahead and make that bad manners." -Some asshole
My gay friend told me never to invest in real estate. He's super homophobic.
What is a relationship? It's the one that always sinks....
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Did you hear the one about the sprinkler that tried to spray a man in the eye? It completely mist!
What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp testicles that's covered in Reese's Pieces? A peanut butter bee-nut putter.
So much sh*t comes out your mouth, your ass is jealous.
How much for a haircut? Barber: Fifteen dollars. How much for a shave? Barber: Ten dollars.  Right - shave my head.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Dark humor is kinda like food. Not everybody gets it.
If a redneck was a pie, what flavour would it be? Pump-kin.
My GF and I would kick ass at the newlywed game. I know 100% of her answers to questions is " I don't know".
Snape: "I think the Dark Lord has returned." Potter: "Are you serious?" Snape: "No, I'm Severus."
What do you call a fat Chinese person? A chunk
what happened when the frog double parked? Its car got toad away.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period. 
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
Two fish are in a tank.. And one looks at the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
"Baby, I'm in the bedroom waiting for you" Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
So I was eating my grandma out yesterday... When I tongued the familiar taste of horse semen, which is when I realized how my grandma died.
I have performance enhancing shrugs.
When you drink morning coffee ... You know your boss is waiting for your report. Let him wait a little....
Which alligator lives in the arctic? The refridgegator.
Q: What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? A: A hobby horse.
What did the deaf guy get for Christmas ? A Headphone
What vegetable parties the hardest? A Turnip.
What does Tickle Me Elmo get before he leaves the factory? Two test-tickles
The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, "Happy Birthday" just to get cake.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if their was a dog.
It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.
Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach? They don't like getting sand in their crack.
That awkward moment when someone isn't texting you back and then you see them update their status from mobile.
Sometimes there's a huge disaster and lots of people die but it's ok because no celebrities got divorced.
[roadtrip] ME: I need a bathroom break FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle ME: um...ok...now how am I supposed to wipe?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn't any pressure to add to the conversation.
A big thank you to all local DJs who play marijuana themed music at 4:20. You're doing god's work.
What did the french say to the Nazis when they invaded ? Table for 50,000?
When I was a younger man girls used to "check me out". Now women just "keep an eye on me"
How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate? He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.
Whats an Australian Kiss? (nsfw-ish) It's like a French kiss, but down under.
Satan has a facebook account, apparently.
Why do engineering students call themselves engineers? You don't hear a law student call themselves a lawyer, or a gender studies student call themselves a barista.
What is Green, Slimy, and smells like Bacon? Kermit's finger.
Anybody taking bath in Milk.. "Why do you take baths in milk?" "I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
[Dirty] Surveys show ... Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.
What should you do when push comes to shove? Learn to read. The door says "pull".
Why should you never let a panda into a chemistry lab? Because it will create pandamonium
Happy penis to Sigmund Freud. What? No, I'm pretty sure I said "birthday."
Why did Tigger look in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo... ...I just had to put my foot down...
If you take the D out of Devil what do you get? D
Can February March? No, but April May.
New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep... Meat and wool. (Exchange for Welshmen if need be)
What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the party? "Namaste"
The Energizer bunny was just releases from prison. He was charged with battery. . . .
I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said "Best Drunk Before August, 2012. I've just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept....
You would think gay rights wouldn't be a problem.... With all the fags on the internet
All my friends look like a Victoria's Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake
My son can't handle going to camp this year. It's in tents
As a child I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. Courtesy of Gary Delaney
I called my wife a hoe... Hey, she's good at gardening.
Why are all italian men named Tony Because when God made them he stamped TO NY on their foreheads
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one's gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
After the "incident" at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum ? Because they're wrigleys !
I don't have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.
Sure laying me down on a "Bed of Roses" sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I just had some mediocre chinese food ... it was Tso Tso
I was having the best day of my life But then I woke up.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn't counting calories.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she's not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I'm not digging her grave in the garden.
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Why was the beaver homeless? He just couldn't give a dam.
The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a dog.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !
Hair is like fitness... If you don't condition, it'll suck (I'm sorry for nothing)
The Cheesiest Joke I Know What did the cracker say to the slice of cheddar? "Say, you're looking mighty sharp today!" To which the cheddar replied, "Fuck you, white boy."
I walked in the closet. I'm officially a straight man.
Excuse me, do you have a valentine's card that says "You're the love of my life"? - Yes. - Great. Give me 10.
I like my coffee how I like my slaves Carrying loads of sugar.
What can you tell about a guy who's always masturbating? That he's the son of one Mr. and Mrs. Bating. Please don't kill me.
what is the cleanest bar in the world... The soap bar.
Guy gets into a car wreck with a midget driver Midget steps out of his car, walks over to the other guy with a scowl and states, "I'm not happy." Guy responds. "So which one are you?"
What car does Jesus drive? A Christler
I went to the food court today. And in the case of Pizza V Hamburger, the judge ruled in favor of the plantiff.
Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend? Because Sharon is Karen.
Why was the hipster sweating? ...He wore a scarf before it was cool.
What do black people get after death? Nigger mortis
There's a man walking a tight rope. 100ft below him there's a man getting a blowjob from an 80 year old woman. What are they both thinking? Don't look down.
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
What do you call a black hipster? An idiot.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid. ~Confucius
Everything is made in China... Except for babies, they are made in vachina.
If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid's name will be just whisper "AND THE DARK LORD'S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED." They love that.
What do you call a girl with no legs? Disabled.
Did you see the preview for the movie about premature ejaculation? It's coming soon.
It's wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Baseball baking What's the difference between a baseball cupcake and a baseball muffin... The batter
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ...
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!
" I am so damn indecisive! " said the man. " How did you come to that conclusion? " said the other.
Why is Michael Jackson not able to back into a parking space? Because he is dead.
ME: my dog ate my homework TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
"Now?" "Not yet." "Now?" "Not quite." *Car approaches* "Now?" "Now." -Deer crossing the road
Wanna hear a joke about iron? I'd tell you but there's a Fe.
Who sculpted Mount Rushmore? George Washington Carver.
Make the little things count... Teach midgets math.
I think my scale is broken. It only ever goes up.
Why do Hippies love Didgeridoo? It is as close as they can get to making love to a tree.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
What Did the Fish Say When He Swam into a Wall? Damn.
Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights.
What do you call a homeless man? A Hobo Sapien.
What did the pirate say after he pulled a steering wheel out of his pants? "It's driving me nuts!"
what did the call the time travelling cyborg who had a weak bladder urinator
I got really drunk on St. Patty's Day last year and took the bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before
Drugs don't kill people. People that don't have drugs kill people.
a busboy falls into a bottomless salad. hank holds back the new guy "don't bother tryin to save him; he's gone.." the screams slowly fade
"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
Why was the hipster wearing a sweater in July? Because he was cold before it was cool.
Does any one know a program that converts mp3's into Nutella?
On Facebook: Them: Look! We're at the beach! Me: Look! I'm in your house!
Doctors have discovered a new strain of ebola in Israel They have appropriately named it Heebola.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
9am: *starts diet* 2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
welcome to fireman school. raise ur hand if you thought this was firefighter school *all hands raise* wrong *lights self on fire* FIREMAN
Miracles do happen even on Facebook and Twitter. Come Sunday and suddenly everyone becomes a preacher.
If you drop a brown bear and a white bear into a lake, which one dissolves first? The white one, because it's **Polar**.
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.
I have a phobia of German sausage Yes, I fear the wurst.
How can a mouse kill an elephant? Whispering to an elephant: " I'm pregnant with you"
What's the hot new romance novel for nerds 256 shades of grey
Why did the man kidnap 100 children and kill 10 of them? So that only 90 kids will remember.
So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it's okay to comment "hahaha" but the rest of the year it's rude??
Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out? Wife: Santa isn't real Me: Don't lie to save my feelings
Have you seen  www.brokenglass.com? Yes but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's." I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
*opens facebook messenger* *sips mtn dew twice* *strokes neckbeard* *begins typing* Sorry abt ur mom dying Tis a shame Btw ur attractive
Ray rice's girlfriend is really hot. She's a knockout!
I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs...But I totally trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.
Politicians are like sperm And often I find myself asking "How did this one win?"
The key to a healthy sex life... ...also opens the back door.
A German woman was walking down a dark alley when she got accosted by eleven men... ...who tear her clothes apart and start to rape and molest her. The woman shouts 'Nien! Nien!', so two of them left.
My dog never listens to me, and I think he might have a speech impediment... He keeps balking at me when I try to tell him to be quiet
So this guy goes to the Dr. And the Dr says "You have to stop masturbating." the guy says "Why?" And the Dr says "Because I'm trying to examine you."
What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian "Aww, what a nice name" It's her dad's, so I picked his middle name "What is it?" Theskywithdiamonds
What did the pirate say with the steering wheel in his pants? Arrgh, it's driving me nuts!
What do you call a shoplifter of pancakes? Crepetomaniac
A suicide bomber walks into a bar But he doesn't blow up, because it's an Allahu snack bar.
A man visited a zoo that only had one animal: a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
Why are muscles poisonous? Because my biceps are killer.
it's party time let's dance !
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don't tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My wife and I are painting our house. I never knew there were so many greys. I hear there's a book about it. There's at least 50.
Have you heard of drooling Jesus? He's offering salivation.
She:I'm furious with my son He's playing Doctor with Neighbor's daughter He:Its curiosity about sex She:Sex? He's taken her appendix out
They say you learn alot from your first relationship Ya! That's why i'm not having a second
Anybody want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's cheesy.
I like when you see a guy with a beard and you can immediately tell he's fashioned his entire thing/vibe/life around having that beard.
Roses are red, violets are blue... I have a gun Get in the van
What is it called when a gamer fights someone? An Asthma attack.
Why is your nose in the middle of the face? Because it's the scenter.
The word "Fat" just looks like someone took a bite out of the word "Eat".
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years I don't have 2020 vision
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs. I said maybe.
Boyfriend and Boy friend..... See that little space between the second one? Thats called the friend zone!
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he's hungry.
Truth or dare? -Truth. Ok, go. -I get sexually aroused by ALF. Okaaaay... -Your turn. Truth or dare? Um...dare. -Put on this ALF costume.
In mother Russia... How much woodchuck would a wood chuck if a wood could chuck woodchuck?
What do you get when you combined a baseball player with a metal alloy? A steel
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt
Why did Rick Astley get fired from his job at the video store? Because he refused to rent someone a copy of the Pixar flick "Up".
I'm really glad they invented shampoo. imagine having to wash your hair with real poo?
What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics? Having both your legs.
"Always remember me." - Anonymous.
Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
It can get pretty exhausting hating as many people as I do in a day.
Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work
Spell mousetrap with three letters. C-A-T
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black...
I reported my own accident on Waze Hence, the accident.
My friend told me he was terrified of pedophiles... I told him to grow up.
I'm uncomfortable with abortion. It gives me cramps.
What do you call it when homeless people have sexual relations? Hoboerotic
A Girl To Doctor: When I Smoke Cigarette, I Feel Very Uncomfortable, On First Puff, I Put Off My Shoes. On Second, My Socks. On Third, My Shirt. Doctor: Take This Cigarette And Tell Me In Detail.
Dad tells his son to vacuum *hears son lazily vacuuming * dad:do it properly, if I wanted to hear loud noises but nothing being done I'd go to a feminist rally
What did 1 volcano say to another volcano? That ash.
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
If you love someone, just tell them. Or get drunk and "Like" a whole bunch of their stuff on Facebook in a short period of time.....same shit.
Why people don't offer chair to Sean Connery when he comes? Because he shits on it.
I don't know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES' DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
When the grid crashes and there's no other way of communicating, we'll see whose drum circle is "stupid".
Here's a tip for when you're feeling shit. Wear gloves
Let me in, Let me in, Let me in! I need to go back out again!-My Dog!
Did you hear about the gay midget? he came out of the cupboard
What does a math mermaid wear? An algeabra....
Joke of The Day 6/9/14 Slept like a log last night........Woke up in the fireplace.
[at the mall] "I've lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?" "Sure, what's his name?" "Xander." "See, that's why he ran off."
Things I've learned as a mom: Kiss boo boo's. Say I love you a lot. Snuggle when they ask. Do laundry daily. Hide the good snacks.
Pretty cool how Ryan Gosling's dad was Ryan Goose.
Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.
Why is the ulna the second funniest bone in our skeleton? It's near-humerus.
What even is Atheism? A non-prophet organization.
Yo mama so fat... She had a heart attack. Is everything okay, bud?
In solidarity with the Transgender community, Hershey's chocolate will be renamed to Heshey's
What do you call an emo a capella group? Self Harmony Edit: #10 on /r/all! And thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Why do cemeteries have fences around  them? Because people are dying to get in.
Why was six afraid of seven Because Jenny is a hoe
Did you hear about the cannibal who tried eating his clone? He was getting ahead of himself.
What's a Redditor's favorite food? Copy pasta! ^^I'm ^^so ^^sorry
Q: Where did the Martian put his teacup? A: On his flying saucer.
So I took a practice test on photons today... It didn't matter.
What do you call someone that will only have sex with homeless people? A hobosexual
Are you the square root of -1? Because you can't be real.
Someone sent me some wood, nails, a saw and a hammer in the post I don't know what to make of it
I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.
Why wasn't the chemist concerned when she blew up her experiment? Oxidants happen,
German sausages... are the WURST!
Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?  They looked both ways before they crossed.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Beat the fuck out of her so it doesn't happen again.
Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers
I just had sex with a pregnant girl and told my buddies I had a threesome
Robin Williams: *Goes for hi-five* C'mon man, don't leave me hanging.
I love pussy, It's the cunt around it I cant stand
What does a German snake sound like? ....
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It's very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Why are gay guys with big dicks the first ones picked at the bar? Low-hanging fruit
An anatomical original Thought you'd like a pun. What sound does a pigeon make when kicked in the nuts? [A high coo](/spoiler)
Drinking causes memory loss. And then, drinking causes memory loss.
I'm such a perv that... ... even the crack of dawn isn't safe.
"wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is" *waits literally 4 seconds* "oh there look at that he said his name how convenient"
Say what you want about pedophiles.. but at least they slow down at children's crossings.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them... The Police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
[Classroom in 2064] Student: So how did the war start? Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
A Muslim suicide bomber joins Reddit **Edit: Wow, this blew up!
I've completed my 1st four year term as husband and have been elected to a 2nd. Let the lame duck husbandry begin.
So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks . Guess who got his yard cut?
Did you hear about the clumsy thief who stole sculptures of famous people's heads? He eventually got busted.
I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.
What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar
The electoral college needs to go away. The tuition rates are out of control.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror* *Feels confident* *"Hi I'd like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay"* *dammit*
A poem I found I dig... You dig... We dig... He dig... She dig... They dig... It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep!
Reagan laying down some jokes about the Soviets. (Youtube clip) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A
What do Asians find hard in math? Their dick.
Macs ranked best to worst - Fleetwood - book pros - n cheese - klemore
I like my women like i like my toilet paper. Soft, but not weak.
Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour? No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
Why would Gabe Newell be a good president? Because then World War 3 would never happen
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working! *eye twitches
If the name of your song is not a prominent lyric of the song, I respect you, but I don't have time for you.
Job interview with Al-Qaeda Had a job interview with Al-Qaeda today. "Where do you see yourself exploding in five years? ", they asked.
A lesbian couple asked me if I would like to make them parents. I never thought adoption could be so exciting.
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
I started calling my wife "Zika"... ...so that I could just get a little head, baby.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Have the alter boy shit into her pussy.
[REPOST] How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light-bulb? One. He stands in place while the whole world revolves around him.
My granddad has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from Bristol Zoo.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
What has 7 arms and sucks? Def leppard
[On a date at a restaurant] So this is nice huh? "Yea,uh, who's that?" *Dad is breathing on the window and writing 'VIRGIN' in the steam*
Why did the USSR agree to a nonaggression pact with Nazi Germany? They were Stalin.
What's Satan's main social media site? Pentagram
What does Donald Trump say after sex? I'm **President**
*Tries to get makeup off* Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
It's been a brutal heatwave with no respite, but things will finally cool off tomorrow and rain. I can't wait to complain about that.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing. ... i can find the door out.
Just finished building doors for my fish. I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.
Rhianna is writing the soundtrack for the new Lilo and Stitch movie It's about how Stitch develops a gambling problem &gt;STITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY
How to get a job without experience ? Just run for office!
Teenage Parties  It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person So I can get a better girlfriend ---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills...
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as 'man's laughter'. Seems oddly appropriate for someone who's got away with murder...
Knock knock? Who's there? To. To who? to *whom*.
Good slumber party questions: - What's the furthest underground you've ever eaten a burger - How many necks have you touched - What's pesto
My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
Barely amusing Japanese joke Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan? Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.
Keep your friend's toast, but keep your enemy's toaster.
Some fairy tales start with "once upon a time". Others start with "If I won the elections".
Knock knock - Who's there? - Impatient cow. - Impatient co- - He already left.
Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella? Fo drizzle
I know we're not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Honey, am I fat? Of course not! You just interact a bit more with the Higgs field.
A farmer's cattle broke out of their pen and got into the marijuana plants he was growing. The steaks were really high.
Breaking news! Cannot unsee! Mathematicians find 2-1=0!
I just had 'the talk' with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn't real.
Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken.
What happens when you cross and owl with a bungee chord? My ass.
What did The Mandrain say when he told his wife he'd stop masturbating? You'll never see me cumming.
What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill? It bucked!
I think if I was a lifeguard I would just talk shit through my megaphone. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING... WHO WEARS CARGO SHORTS TO THE POOL."
Got a new car for my girlfriend, best trade I ever made.
Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s*it..Problem solved.
Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? A: Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? B: Which one? A: the I-sis
I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
"excuse me, (Chinese couple at the next table,) I seem to have forgotten my calculator, can I borrow your toddler?"
What I say: No! What my kids hear: There's a really good chance if you keep asking.
What does R. Kelly say to his kids when they do something bad? Urine trouble
When asked about hobbies, don't start lap dancing. #jobinterviewfail
What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?
I was born disabled I couldn't walk, had no hair, couldn't talk, just laid there and shit myself....
Did you hear that France changed their flag? It is now just White
Why didn't the gunpowder plot work? Because gunpowder is black.
I hear you take milk baths. That's right.  Why? I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower!
T-Rex probably died from the spread of disease since he couldn't use the soap dispensers without smashing his face into the mirror.
There are five frogs staring at me right now but only one can be America's top model.
I hate it when people say Amsterdam is only for smoking weed. I mean c'mon, there's prostitutes too!
If women are people, why are they so stupid? Seriously. Even the smartest and most accomplished women are dumber than the most retarded head lice.
yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light  bill!
"How's your love life?" Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.
Why do lesbians like Sports Authority so much? Because they hate Dick's!
The joke about the sun Is too hot to handle
There's a thin line between word and world.
At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted???
Q. How many line dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!
Grandson is having sex with his grandma The father walks in and says, Son! Your fucking with my mother! The grandson replys: so! You fuck mine all the time and i dont tell you shit!
The human brain is an amazing organ. It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks a year, from before you leave the womb, right up until you find religion.
Gardens (only clean joke I know) Why don't you tell secrets in a garden? Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.
What does a pirate drink for breakfast? Arrrrange juice.
What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of- *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? Daughter: Boogeritis. *to phone* It's Boogeritis.
How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb? One. We're efficient not funny!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper... I woke this morning with a huge correction.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Do you know why astronomers named the planet "Saturn?" It just had a nice ring to it.
What did the anus say to the nose? FRAAAAAAPPPBLAPPPPLAAAAAAAPBRENKKKKKKKKKK!!!
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday
a powerful ancient bully emerged from a lake and told some girls i didnt know how to jack off til i was 16 & used a really unorthodox style
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
There are 2 kinds of programmers Those who understand pointers and Segmentation fault (core dumped)
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far out man!
How do you play a big game of Hungry Hippos? Go to a weight watchers meeting and roll Maltesers down the middle of their meeting circle.
Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
I love giving my girlfriend orgasms. Too bad she just spits them out.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, "Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons."
Why did the libertarian chicken cross the road? That's none of your damn business. Is he being detained?
Whats the worse thing about getting a blowjob from an anorexic girl? They never swallow.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons? 4yr: I need to wee! Me: With balloons?! 4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
When Snoop Dogg was born, he had 3pounds .. in his possession.
The key to Simon & Garfunkel's success was that one was big and one was small. Before, duos were always the same size. They changed the game
Did you hear about... ...the optometrist who fell in his lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?
"I finally caught up with my son." "That's good. Progress. How did it go?" "Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him." - Vader & therapist
"Get over yourself." *Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
So a bear walks into a bear... and says, "Sorry, I didn't see you there." - my daughter, age 5
In most of the country, if you lose your khakis you have no pants... But in Boston, if you lose your khakis you can't start your car.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Trump Jesus asked the Devil if he'd made a deal with Donald Trump. The Devil said they'd negotiated for a while but eventually he gave up and just let Trump buy him out.
Why doesn't Santa have any children? He only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.
I met my ex-wife at the gym. We didn't workout.
Hey girl! Is your name Google.? Boy: Hey girl! Is your name Google.? Girl: No-But why..? Boy: bcoz you have all the things I'm searching for....!
My Easter wish is for Paul Simon to finally turn cannibal, if only because I'm beyond ready for him to record "Fifty Ways to Eat Your Lover"
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An IN-VEST-IGATOR!
Yo mama so fat when God said "Let there be light" he he to ask her to move out of the way.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? Well you can jelly your cock up her ass!
Why shouldn't you ask if someone's a Texan? Because if they are they'll tell you, and if they aren't you don't want to insult them.
What's the only thing better than a gold medal at the Paralympics? Legs
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch? A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN! Him: Just ignore him. Me: I'm trying! Him: I was talking to the dog...
What kinda truck does Paulie Shore drive? A DiiieEEeESsssleeeeee
I hope you're using all the time you save by saying "totes" instead of a "totally" to learn a trade.
Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.
Did you hear what the Pope was giving up for lent? His job.
Black or white... We all have white in our blood.
There once was a guy drawing blood... ...he used a pencillin.
Ever hear the story of the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He would lay awake at night worried about the existence of dog.
My best friend back home just had his first kid but I also will be giving birth today...to some relatable content
If you ever get cold... Just stand in a corner. They're usually around 90 degrees!
I've just bought a transparent megaphone. Now everyone can hear me loud and clear.
I don't always give women orgasms, but when I do... I let them swallow.
Before you act, listen. Before you react, think. Before you spend, earn, Before you pray, forgive. Before you post, check  for typos.
Hey, NSA, if you're going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I'm helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I once dated a girl with two noses. She wasn't much to look at but she smelled great.
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim..
You know what they say about people with big brains, right? "You have a severe case of meningitis."
What do 9 out of 10 people love? Gang rape
Her: Do you have any kids? Me: I have 2 step kids Her: None of your own? Me: no Her: How come? Me: facials Her: I'm sorry what? Me: What?
Why is Stephen Hawking so controversial? He never changes his position.
Whoever made the song "Let It Snow" Must have been horny. Le tItS now? Cmon
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Before firemen rescue cats from trees they always take a photo and that's where 'hang in there, baby!' posters come from.
To the rooster goes the spoils.. indeed
Plastic Surgery I loaned a friend 5000 to get plastic surgery last week... I'll never get the money back, I dunno what he looks like now.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops. Clean. Smells nice. Free wi-fi.
I always keep two kinds of birth control available: condoms (cling wrap), and "fancy" condoms (condoms).
When does a Cub become a Boy-Scout? When he eats his first Brownie
Turkeys are crazy. They hunch down and freeze in groups in grocery store coolers to elude hunters. Must be a safety in numbers thing.
OK, Gravity wasn't very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock -- not an astronaut
What do you call a Greek arsonist? A 
Why does Puff Daddy have nice hair? Because Sean Combs.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
How do you make apple jelly? google maps.
Why was the airport depressed? It had a terminal illness.
If your clock strikes 13, what time is it? time to fix your clock.
Why "hooters"? Who decided breasts looked like owls? They were wrong.
Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that's ever served me. With just the tip.
I just managed to determine someones IQ just by hearing her laugh.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Stab in and thrust up.
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. [X Post from r/Fantasy] They're both cauldron.
History Teacher: what ended in 1918 ? Student: 1917
I'm the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
If I don't charge my iPad at the beginning of the week I spend the whole time just trying to catch up to 100%.
I sent in a list of my top ten puns to the newspaper hoping at least one would be selected for the joke of the day. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
What's the crackhead's favorite song? I wanna rock!
Do you know why one side is longer than the other when birds fly in a "V" formation? Because there are more birds on that side.
What's a Mexican's favorite candy bar? A payday
My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is being read aloud.
Justin Bieber gets 40,000 retweets just for tweeting 'Hello', so here's my attempt: Hele0iM1. Ah, harder than it looks. Fair play to him.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world Those who understand Hexadecimal, and F the rest
A wife is like a hand grenade... remove the ring and your house is gone!
Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? Just check for fresh prince
How does a solar system have a party? They planet
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says... "Eoooooooohahhhhhmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaauuu..." The second whale turns to the first and says. "Frank what the fuck is wrong with you?"
What do singers get during their periods? Minstrel cramps.
In china, tried Donkey meat yesterday.... It tasted like ass.
Why is the letter 'B' commonly regarded as a pervert in the alphabet? Because he can see the D
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.
Son, there's the house where I grew up. And I bought a Playstation at that Best Buy in 1996. Well, that's pretty much the tour
"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so fcuking wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, "Fcuk you, it's my umbrella!
Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.
Blinding hatred is a perfectly healthy response to everything that other people do.
I'm think about taking up Jousting so I have something to talk about at awkward dinner parties.
What does a South American say after someone sneezes? Belize you.
What happened to the man who turned into an insect ? He just beetled off !
Cancer changes things. If you really love her.. You'll put up with dry-mouth blow jobs.
/r/Jokes is hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm... If you can't come, please let the Mods know...
What do you call a ceramicist with a beard? A Harry Potter
If I had a dollar for every time Greece made a bad economical decision Their economy would still be failing.
What do you call piss from the continent? Ureapean / Urinepean.
Why should you never race with a guy from Finland? Because they're already Finnish before the race even began
How many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg? Four. Because calling the trunk a leg doesn't make it a leg.
A toothless termite walked into a tavern ... and said: "Is the bar tender here?"
What do ISIS/ISIL members use to clean their dirty vaginas? ...me!
A terrorist invites his socially awkward friend to a party "C'mon," he said, "It'll be a blast."
I like to think that hobos that talk to themselves are just recording a podcast.
Pregnancy test that says, "Your cart has 1 item in it"
Batman's Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
What does the rapping shepard sing to his flock? Ewe, crank that soldier boy!
Bring brownies to work. Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, "you feelin anything yet?"
What's the definition of a period? A bloody waste of fucking time.
robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier* cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cuba ! Cuba who ? Cuba wood !
My teacher said I'd end up working in McDonald's. Well, look who's laughing now. The guy's ordering chicken off me in KFC.
She's so fat, she fell down and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up!
Why was Hillary thrown out of a restaurant? She trashed the bill. Alt punch line 1 (u/Causative): She demanded her own private server and tried to have her meals removed.
Shooting guns is a stupid hobby. Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets!
Two muffins in an oven... ...One says to the other, "Blimey it's hot in here" The other screams, "AARRRGGGHH, a talking muffin!!!"
Q: Why did the bird get a ticket? A: It broke the law of gravity!
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich hot and can keep you up all night.
A man comes home... ... To his wife repotting cactuses and succulents "Allo Vera"
What do you call porn with transgender midgets? Micro trans action.
Jupit. Jupiter. Jupitest.
(For Ents) So the D.E.A filed a report So the D.E.A filed a report about the Old lady who swallowed the Fly. Turns out Flies are a Gateway Bug
I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer. No one will do it.
This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.
Eating Chinese food is like getting an organ transplant There's always a chance your body will reject it.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn't give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Why was the Xbox 360 named as it was? Cos when I seen one i turnt 360 degrees and walked away Playstation for life xD
A monk to another, "O! master, is it proper for a monk to use email?" "Sure, as long as there are no attachments", replied the other.
Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster... Now it just doesn't work.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt
I grew up for this?
How is /r/jokes like sex? I don't get it.
For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once.
Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf??? The girl that coughed bees? The boy that sneezed sharks? The girl that shit spiders?
What's black, white, and red all over? Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
The real joke isn't always in the comments Sometimes it's in the Whitehouse...
Yesterday I held a door open for a clown... I thought it was a nice jester.
Woman's pant pockets are like their rights. There, but only for show.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
I've been wondering for a while now... If a man who likes Asians has Yellow Fever, and a man who likes Africans has Jungle Fever; does that mean because I like Native Americans, that I have Smallpox?
A black, a mexican and a gipsy sit in a Car. Who is driving the car? The police.
When I say I'm as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch - yes - but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My girlfriend is like John Cena I can't see her :(
My Version Of Flirting! My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they're braver than I am.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
What do you call a fuzzy animal that grows on trees? A root bear! (I came up with this joke a few minutes ago. I hope it's funny)
My wife called me a child. I told her, be careful who you're calling a child because if I'm a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert.
I hope I'm not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I'm serious about wanting it back.
Don't care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you're male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
My wife threw a doughnut at my head. Now I have a glazy eye.
Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis
Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
My friend said I'm racist. But I'm not racist, I have one black friend.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut you racist fucks.
What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies? You can't unload sand with pitchforks.
What musical instrument do people with STDs play? The herpsichord.
Show me someone who is "cheery" in the morning and I will show you someone who probably knows how to dispose of a body.
They fired a Mexican guy at work the other day, he was a really hard worker. We hope the find some Juan to replace him soon we are getting tired of working overtime.
Who led the Jewish people through the semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses
Bjerg is so fly That he's sren
Heard about the peanut that walked through Central Park It was a salted.
What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill ? "Pack your trunk and clear out !"
What did the doctor say when a Chinese baby with down syndrome was born? Congratulations, you have a healthy new baby!
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that's sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that'll turn you on.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with "Nice heels, girl" and his friend slapped him and said "Those are knock offs, bro"
A woman walks in to a bar and asks for a Double Entendre... ...So the bartender gave her one.
my favourite one-liner a seal walks into a club.
[walks up to guys playing basketball] "mind if I join?" you any good? Hell yeah I'm good. Toss me the orange sphere
A Jewish kid.... asks his dad for ten dollars. His dad replies, "Eight dollars? What do you need five dollars for?"
University.... Close to being unemployed but with your parents still being proud of you
Police: where were you between 5 and 6? Me: Kindergarten
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My local supermarket is selling Star Wars-themed cereal... They really are trying to milk the franchise for all its worth.
My friend stabbed me with a pencil, I guess you could say I got the point.
Why are Microsoft circuit boards so bad? They use French resistors.
How did the Otaku Redneck guy name his daughter? Annie Mae
Buzzfeed: 9 Ways to Know You're Dating a Real Woman and Not a Burrito
Being a suicide bolder sounds like a blast
You think the dozen roses on my toilet tank are there to mask odor? Read the card: "Dear toilet. I'm so sorry for all the shit I've done..."
New Knock-Knock joke? Child: Knock Knock Grandmother: Who's there? Child: [Insert Name] Grandmother: [Insert Name] who? Child: Oh no! You have Alzheimer's! Yes? No?
Researchers have found a new medicine to turn lesbians straight It's called Tricoxagain.
Taking home work has never been more satisfying I love being a coroner!
what is the key to picking up girls who are musicians? get a flat and be sharp
Dear Idiot: It's HOMEOpath, not HOMOpath. Homopath is like a crazy gay dude.
Why should you never get into an argument with a dictionary? Because they'll always have the last word.
America is kind of like testicles If the right nut can't agree with the left nut. We can't produce.
What did captain Kirk do in the head? He Shatner.
What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component? This guy!
*puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together sometime.
What do you call a midget psychiatrist on the run from the law? A small medium at large.
Clue in Michigan is cheaper, because it only has three pieces Governor Snyder, Flint, and the Lead Pipe
I tried to buy some camouflage pants the other day... But, I couldn't find any.
Just watched an Asian toddler make a fully functional iPhone out of a piece of cheese and some copper.
What is a Hitman's favorite Mathematical Field? *Trigger*nometry
How can you tell ignorance from indifference? I don't know and I don't care.
What job pays you to shoot people but not harm them? A photographer.
What do you call a feminist manager. Miss. Management.
I was going to have a life but then twitter happened.
The Texas Rangers made it to the World Series? I didn't even know Chuck Norris had a baseball team.
Why can't you smell Bran (spoilers) He's hodorless
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination
The internet is a place where you can make long-lasting friendships. You can also watch 2 girls drink diarrhea. Two sides to every coin.
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married
There are 10 types of people in the world... ... those who understand binary and those who don't.
If anyone's hungry there's a cottage cheese sandwich in my sink I'm probably not going to eat
Whenever I'm feeling like shit,... I simply go on YouTube, search for Skrillex videos and read the comments. Instantly, I feel a lot better.
Glass... tastes like blood.
wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?
What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common? They are both over the counter strike
Did you know there are only 24 letters in the NHS alphabet? There's no A&amp;E.
i got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
That's a lot of votes Donald Would be a shame if someone deleted them...
How to fall downstairs...... Step 1 Step 6 Step 9,10,11,12
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Being an assassin would be so cool People would kill to have that job
I love you like a fat kid loves anything that will make him forget that his dad physically abuses him.
Not a Latvian joke Lost job and no money for buy potato. Also is cold. Regret immigrate to Detroit.
How are that many Republicans candidates supposed to debate each other at once? Throw a dollar bill in the floor and let the last one alive run for president.
It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Q: What kind of flower grows on your face? A: Tulips.
Joke I just made up: what's a neo nazis favorite sports drink? White powerade!
Well, I wouldn't say the easiest. What's the easiest way to get gum out of your hair? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Cancer
Trying to make a video fullscreen, my dad asked me, "How do I big it?" Silly dad, the internet told me all you have to do is be a Christian.
Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM? He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.
Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.
H:"Where'd you get those shoes?" Me:"I've had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?" H:"Nope just cleaned the old one" *Marriage lies
There once was an Italian chef He pastaway
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
I have a magic dog... It's a labracadabrador.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? "Konnichihuahua"
So Nicole Scherzinger has went from Lewis Hamilton to Ed Sheeran... Well, you know what they say... Orange is the new black.
OOPS BANANA Q: What do you call two banana peels? A: A pair of slippers.
I shaved my sack last week... Now I have poke' balls.
A salesman rings the doorbell...
My life is like r/jokes It's the same thing everyday
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Told a chemist a joke No reaction
I ate a sausage earlier, and it didn't taste very nice It was the wurst sausage I've ever eaten.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there - so he'd see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn't have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
spider-man, spidre-man,. does watever a spider can: has two legs., he can talk. wat kind of spider bit this guy
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
What's worse than finding a dead monkey on your piano? Finding a diseased beaver on your organ.
Why aren't there any knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
What bands did they hire to play at the Developmental Disability Conference? System of a Downs My Chemical Imbalance. Youth In Asia
Underwear... Because every present needs to be wrapped.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, if they'll fit.
long-term plan is to let my debt build into the millions and when I die have a golden tombstone that says COME COLLECT IT IN HELL, TAX MAN
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
A kitchen joke. Why was the cutting board? The knife was really dull
You know what the opposite of Netflix and Chill is? 9/11 and school
Writing with a dull pencil is pointless...
Boss:"I'll need those projections done Aesop!" Me:"You mean ASAP?" Boss:"No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson."
ww2 Russia be like... You better Czech yourself before you rek yourself.
You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.
What do call someone who takes care of reindeer and really enjoys it? A Jolly Rancher.
What's the definition of a nervous  breakdown ? A chameleon on a tartan rug !
I'm bored, think I'll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I just bought the best vacuum ever It sucks
How can you tell if someone is vegan? They'll fucking tell you!
Did you hear about the alien megastructures located near the Milkyway? *Handwave* nanobots
The other day I saw a sheep pole dancing in a kebab shop.
Classic. Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? A: Big hands.
What is that famous Raider saying? Next season!!! Hater nation!!!
How do you organize a party in space? You planet.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
What do you call a gay philosopher? Pyfagoras
What does a priest get when he wants some pussy? Nun.
What do I love about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
I ate a gluten-free lactose-free low carb pizza for dinner tonight. (It was a raw tomato)
Why did the stupid boy wear a turtle neck sweater? To hide his flea collar.
I don't understand why ISIS is such a big deal. All we have to do is parachute in Chuck Norris, and within a month they will all be dead... It can't be done faster since he fights with his bare hands.
That awkward moment when you're trying to get over someone you were never dating.
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything...
I can't believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was.... He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you'll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
When you catch your dog eating a dictionary what  should you do? Take the words right out of his mouth.
Why is the Martian on DVD So you can Bring him Home
I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. ...because I don't have time to get arrested today.
Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?
My girlfriend called me an asshole today... I told her you are what you eat
How many jews died in the holocaust? Not enough
I'm so proud of my African pen pal. He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.
I have the opposite of a photographic memory i have a potatographic memory.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels? Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves? Russel.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.
I hate what you've done with the place.
I like my eggs ovariesy
A woman runs into the hospital and asks Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he? Doctor- "ICU baby, shaking that ass" Sorry.
Making a joke about wheelchair users ... is a big no-go.
DIRTY Why does Bill Clinton play saxophone? Because he lost his whoremonica
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Where does Christian Grey make photocopies? FedEx Kinky's
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I'm working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I came up with a plan to help people with debt, it's called "Don't buy shit you can't afford!"
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn't home.
Why did the snooker player go to the toilet? To pot the brown.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
What did the stone say to the hill? Let's Rock and Roll.
I shot my first turkey today! But for some reason everyone in the frozen food section acted really surprised.
How do trees get online? They just log in...
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.
Me and a friend.. Walk into a pet store and the employee asks "Anything that I can help you find?" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.
What's the similarities between a priest and McDonalds? They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.
I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France. It was a painful experience.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house? He'll re-possess it
What do you call it when you go to the store just to use their dumbbells and then leave? Shoplifting
I was going to tell this gay joke... ...but fuck it...
Waxing. It's not a cure for lycanthropy.
The SSD joke "Don't buy an SSD" : Said a nerd "Why?? Asked his friend *"You wont be able to go to toilet during windows load"*
What do old people always keep in their back pocket? Depends.
A woman walks in on the janitor using the women's washroom... "What are you doing in here?" "The men's room is filthy"
I just gave a bus full of teenagers the finger before they had a chance to give it to me.
Donald Trump is an inspiration to all new College graduates. He is in the final interview rounds of a job he has zero experience for.
How do you know if someone is a vegetarian? Don't worry, they will let you know as soon as they can
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got alzheimers.
Everything's made in China except babies... ...those are made in vachina.
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die... then I got Netflix, so now I have better things to watch.
Knock knock Who's there? Shi Huang Di Shi Huang Di Who? She wan DEEEEEZ NUTS! Yay for history jokes.
what do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What did the Networking manager tell his assistant about working late? Tell my wifi won't be home for dinner.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers! *thinks about not having to pause TV or games* *orders some*
I tried giving up erections for lent... but it got pretty hard.
So many Jesus accounts...and not one is verified
I was just about to get offended by a stranger on the Internet when I remembered I'm not an idiot.
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics how to ruin the people!
I went to the dentist. I sat down in the chair and he said, "Open up for me..." "OK," I said, "my parents don't love me very much."
Whats the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby i just killed? Newton died a virgin
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. 7 also got herpes from 14 and stabbed 23 through 30 in a gang fight.
How do Mexican dogs say "hello" when in Japan? Konnichihuahua
"You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!" - Fonzi Scheme
What Do You Call A Fight Between An Illegal Immigrant And A Child Molester? Alien vs. Predator
A man once thought he'd discovered a new primary color but it proved to be merely a pigment of his imagination.
Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like. "It's irony."
I will never forgive the nazis for what they did to my grandfather He worked 8 years on the guard tower with out a single promotion
I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza can have meat and cheese.
Why is Santa Claus so horny? Because he only comes once a year!
I was in that kosher supermarket earlier. I knew something was wrong when an automated voice said, "unexpected gunman in the bagging area".
I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed.  Did you have a big role? No just toast and marmalade.
What's a thoughtful person's favourite dip? Hmmmus.
I live in a glass house and my back door is a jar
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
What do you call a female police officer with short pubes? CuntStubble
Failure is not an optionit comes bundled with the software.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there'd be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
best racist joke ever what do you do when you see a black man with half his face? stop laughing and reload
What did the Jewish sun celebrate when he came of age? His star-mitzvah. (Forgive me)
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
And god said to John "Come forth, and I will grant you with eternal life." But John came 5th and won a toaster instead.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames. Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick into a woman's ass
I'm at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
What did the sick gyro say to the other gyro? I falafel.
If I ever start a customer service company, I'm going to name it 'Hold Please'.
What's the name of the car of a hipster batman? Tumblr.
Today I Fucked Up... the couch
You will feel dumb when we find out the guy who headshotted Harambe was from the future trying to prevent Planet of the Apes..
Judge: You need supervision. Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve spirits here"
I got a job at the circus. I had to circumcise the elephants. The wages weren't great but the tips were enormous.
My daughter doesn't know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won't know I took it out and am eating it now.
jokes about unemployed people aren't funny They just don't work...
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I'd just go to prison.
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Not bad!
What's the difference between a Feminist and a suicide jacket? Suicide jacket does something when it's triggered.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has "will get in cars with strangers" in her bio. I'm hiding........
Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer.
My hips don't lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My Dad always calls me goldfish... I forget why
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house? Paint a goal line on your driveway.
I've never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn't Prime Eligible.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity It's impossible to put down.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? [read with a pirate accent when they most likely say, "RRRRR"] "You'd think it'd be R but 'tis the C they love"
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won't let me use their microwave.
Do you know what my favorite Jews are? Apple.
I always said I'd never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one.
Were there this many idiots before the Internet?
A gay man introduced himself to me at the bar the other day. He said, "my name is Richard. But I prefer Dick."
In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.
I recently bought myself the new Obama gun. It won't work and you can't fire it.
How do you add up a mountain? You summit.
What do you call a gorilla who magically smokes weed? Hairy Potter.
I was in a horrible accident a few years ago, and I suffered some brain damage and lost feeling to my whole left side. I'm feeling all right now
Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Cuz there's no way that amount of shit can fit into a normal shoe
I heard 2k14 is so real that when you give the ball to kobe, the pass button stops working
You're probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Why did Kelly fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock Knock? Who's there? ....Not Kelly.
When life gives you lemons, Instagram photos of them and add #Lemons, #LemonSwag, and #UJealous.
What do you call a dog who does magic tricks? A labracadabrador
"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes.
How do you keep water warn in the winter? Have it wear an aqua-fur.
I raised the alarm at work today... The midgets were furious.
Why was the broom late? It overswept!
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide. Edit: spelling.
TIL in 1937 the Germans sank their own U-boat instead of the American USS Anders. "Sorry, wrong sub"
Battleship is a completely unrealistic movie... Everyone knows that Rihanna doesn't fight back.
in the cha cha slide he goes "NOW its time to get funky!" halfway through the song like i wasn't getting funky already?
I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date
What is with 2016? It's like everyone and their mothers are dying. ^^sorry ^^not ^^sorry
A man came into a bar... wait no it was a horse, a man came into a horse.
What is a Nuclear Physicist's favourite meal? Fission chips.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a half Men
My girlfriend is on her period... She calls me Dracula.
Scientists are now saying climate change is "whatever" and life is "bullshit" and "Judith left me last night, that's why I'm drunk at work".
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won't answer and my ringer will be off, so it won't bother me at all.
If you say "Starbucks" in the mirror 3 times, a girl in yoga pants will appear, steal your hoodie and tell you the best things about Fall.
How can a black woman tell if she's pregnant? When she takes out the tampon the cotton is already picked
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an "Oh, honey"
According to old paintings, there's mad titties in heaven.
Q: What do you call a man who marries an old ugly and poor woman? A: Desperate!
Roses are red... Harambes in heaven, George Bush had advanced knowledge of 9/11.
I think I might be dying But I really like the color of my hair right now.
This girl just spilt ice all over my record player. I played it cool.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
What is the cutest piece of clothing? Cutie
What do you call an Egyptian spine manipulator? A Cairo-practor
All of my gaming / network usernames are based on things I thought were funny at 19, and that is my greatest shame.
That awkward moment when your kindness is mistaken with flirting.
Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I've ever seen Brain: Coming right up Me: Remember to pay that bill Brain: Nope
My dick was in the Guinness book of World Records Until I got kicked out of the library :(
Babe, some guy told me today that if I have sex with him... ... he'll give me these earrings. What a jerk!
They'll hate you if you're pretty. They'll hate you if you're not. They'll hate you for what you lack and they'll hate you for what  you got
A 92 year old man I randomly met told me this one: What do you get when you cross a turkey and a cat? A pussy gobbler.
9 out of 10 people said when polled, that they enjoy gang rape.
A man asks a genie for a dick so long it touches the ground... So the genie pulls out a sword and cuts both the man's legs clean off.
Kanye West demanded everyone to stand while giving a eulogy, didn't go through with it because Some asshole in a coffin didn't feel like standing.
Why does the internet always mourn the death of politicians? Because they are always lion about everything.
I became a Jew today Only in it for the money.
What stops rape every time? Consent.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amelia ! Amelia who ? Amelia a package last week - did you get it ? !
Relationship status: binoculars
what do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick! DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don't you knock?!? *hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.
"She loves me not..." : Picks last petal : "She LOVES ME!" Flower: "...NOT! LOL nerd" : Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
If the opposite of con is pro... Is the opposite of constitution, prostitution?
What do eggs say when they're turnt? Omelette, fam
I like my women like I like my hard drives... FAT and 32.
No Shave November No Deodorant December Lose Your Job January Forget To Pay Rent February Move in With Mom and Dad March
I'm addicted to brake fluid. But I can stop any time.
Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day
I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 and she has $.25
"Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace" "Why, there's nothing for them in Keny-" "HAWAII, sir" "Right, that's wh
I designed a website for orphans. There isn't a homepage.
What are the 5 best Vegetables of all time? tink about it. Gai lan, gai lan... gai lan, gai lan, and gai lan. (thanks to Chapelle show skit((making the band)))
Husband: You're like homework Wife: Why? Are you gonna throw me on the table and do me all day? Husband: No, leave you alone and masturbate.
What is a UPS worker's favorite cloud service? Dropbox.
Why were there only 1000 people at the Million Mexican March? They only had 2 trucks.
When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know they are talking about  a Man's wallets.
responsibilities and feelings should not exist
How do you know if a girl is on her period? Shut up!
Noble chemistry jokes Argon walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here." Argon doesn't react.
Why can't Quentin Tarantino make a good first impression? He's always getting off on the wrong foot.
*burst into doctor's office* ME: I'm no longer canstopetid DOCTOR: You mean constipated ME: No I've had a vowel movement DOCTOR: Get out
My doctor said I shouldn't binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Unscramble: pnise If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
*T-Rex stubs his toe* OUCH I'M SO MAD. JUST... MAD. I'M... "Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-" SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Why Men Are Forgetful Men's boobs are forgetful because they have no mammary's
Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract. That's what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.
People are wondering who will win the 2016 Presidential election, but I already know who will win the next election. That's because I've got 2020 vision.
Why is a gay guy dating someone named Andy particularly useful? Because he might come in Andy
The future tense of send. Seen
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
#NAME?
Why are orphans bad at baseball? They have no idea where home is.
True story I've met a research geologist whose work was groundbreaking.
I have a fear of speed bumps... But I'm slowly getting over it.
Watching your wife in childbirth... Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Why was the monkey attracted to the paint? Cuz it was yellow and appealing! Sorry if this is bad. Seen too many of the same jokes here and I wanted to add an original joke.
What did Matthew McConaughey say after voting for Trump? alt right, alt right, alt right
DATING TIP: Play hard to get. Train to be an astronaut. Fly into space and leave Earth behind. Then text your crush and be like "what's up?"
*sees oven left on "What moron left the oven on!?" *tries repeatedly to turn it off "WTF!? Stupid oven!" *realizes 425 is the time
So I talkedto a gender studies graduate the other day. I told her I wanted a #1 combo with no tomatos or onions.
Half the time I hug anyone I'm just wiping my hands off on their back.
There was a sailor on a ship that was discovered to be gay. When the others found out they tossed him off.
Got this from my dad tonight...You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.
Why did Popeye beat up the Pope? He heard he was going to Mount Olive
Is your dad retarded? Because you're something special
Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.
Are you African? ...'cause you're a frickin' babe.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait... Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
What is the Difference between Michael Jackson and a Grocery Bag? One is made of Plastic and a Danger to Children and the other one you put your Groceries in.. Ba dum Ching
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina? Only one fifth of what comes out of her vagina is retarded.
What did a chemist say to a deaf guy? Does it matter?
I've heard mixed reviews about cannibalism... It varies from person to person.
[seaworld] "Hey what happened to the new guy?" -He tried to have sex with the dolphin in tank 6 "But there's a shark in tan.." -BINGO!
So I got my blood test results back... apparently I did good, got an A+
Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba? He didn't want to play second fidel
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
What does the educated owl say? Whom
My son got sent home from school today for chewing gum in class. I had to phone the teacher and explain to her that he's only trying to give up smoking.
$10 Complaint A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
There once was a man from Kent... Who's dick was so long that it bent To save him much trouble He put it in her double and instead of cumming, he went.
What do you call a mountain of kittens? A meowtain
What is the opposite of Dominoes? Domi does not know....
Who is the greatest author of the medieval era? King Author
My wife said she wants another baby and if I play my cards right, I can be the father.
single because i didn't forward that chain mail in 2008
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
A free corpse is a dead giveaway.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell "She's right there!" every time she comes on the screen until you're escorted out of the theater.
Permanently blinded people of Reddit, what is your favourite movie?
cows are pretty nice to us considering that we eat them
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
A priest, rapist, and pedophile walk into a bar He orders a drink
What do sex and air have in common? Neither one is a very big deal, unless you're not getting any.
me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
If storks bring white babies and crows bring black babies, then what brings no babies...... a couple of swallows !!
Two Polish guys are hunting for bears in the woods. They come across a fork in the road with a sign that says "BEAR LEFT" They both turn around and go home.
How can you tell if you're at a gay picnic? The hot dogs taste like shit.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
A list of compelling arguments regarding the existence of God.
why is oral sex better than cake? Because you cannot have your cake and eat it too
Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school? He was Russian.
me on my first date: "for me to continue this relationship you need to choose correctly" [i pull a frog & a lizard out of my pocket]
Confusius says Whaaat?!
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is
She sells sea shells on the: A) Shore B) Shore C) Shore D) Shore
Did you hear? Sting has been kidnapped! The Police don't have a lead.
Her: Describe your ideal date. Me: I'd order an extra large pizza. Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing? Me: Oh, you'd be there, too?
I got a sweater for Xmas I appreciate it, but I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.
I asked my flamboyant son if he was gay and he beat around the bush. I wouldn't care if he is, I'm just pissed that I didn't get a straight answer.
A blind man walks into a bar ..and into a table and a chair.
N.W.A. writes a song called Fuck the Police and everybody loves it. I write a song called Fuck the Firemen and apparently I'm just an asshole.
"Have they tried turning him off and then on again?" - Me, suggesting a cure for Stephen Hawking.
There are only three kinds of mathematicians in this world. Those who can add up and those who can't.
Why do people say "I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
People are always mistaking things I say as racist. The other day, this guy thought I called him a 'sand nigger.' But what I said was, 'get out of the sand, nigger. Volleyball is a white man's sport.'
BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election... Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.
I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test They all tested positive for WD40
Simple instructions from FBI to crack any almost any iPhone. Drop face-down on hard surface from about 4 feet in the air. That should do the trick.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty WAITER: what why ME: a duck killed my father
I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.
What's long,hard,and full of Seamen ? SS This Dick. naval battalion
Jimmy: What has 100 legs but can't walk? Johnny: 50 pairs of pants? Jimmy: No, A centipede. Jhonny: What? why? Jimmy: Because I squished it
My friend told me I don't know what irony is... Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
it's almost as if one's education has nothing to do with learning how not to be an idiot
Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward? Because two Eds are better than one.
I usually tell self-deprecating jokes But I'm not very good at it
Hitler started the first ever Jewish Marathon.. But he couldn't finish the race
The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
Do you really have to be skinny to wear skinny jeans or can you be a big fat giant monster? (asking for my big fat friend, Colleen).
My aunt Marge.. My aunt Marge has been ill for so long I've started thinking, "I can't believe she's not better.."
Depending on who you are determines what colors you see the dress as. Chris Brown sees it as black and blue.
What do you call a black dinosaur? TYRONE-ASAURUS REX! I made this joke up in like middle school I think.
What do you say to your floating TV at midnight? PUT IT DOWN, NIGGER!
Why can't the T-Rex clap it's hands? Because it's extinct.
Descartes walks into a bar... The bartender asked if he wanted a drink. Descartes said "I think not!" ....and promptly disappeared.
What do you call a Polish chicken stuck in a tree? Poll tree!
Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces? Submarines.
I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
I wonder how many crimes The Muppets have kermitted.
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? It said "concentrate" on it!
REPORTER: *asks question* POLITICIAN: that's a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
what do you call a closet full of lesbians? a liquor closet
"Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!" - The Very Civil War
Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention
I just pimped my car. Now it has extra whorespower.
The world right now is like when you'd get bored with your Sim City and just use all the disaster options at once
*buys soap on a rope Cashier: Paper or plastic? Me: Neither.. I'll wear it out thanks
What do you call someone with no arms and no legs being towed behind your boat? Skip.
A helicopter crashes in a graveyard... the police recovered 300 bodies.
If you walk around in knight's armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Are you into fitness? How about fitness' cock in your mouth
Why Can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle? Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible. Also, he has Parkinson's disease.
How many psychiatrists does it take to  change a light bulb? "How long have you been having this  phantasy?"
Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
What did the web designer do when a hot girl walked up to him and squeezed his nuts? He AJAXulated.
If I ever have a stroke I'm going to tell kids that stare I was making a face when the wind changed and then I had a stroke.
What are a plumber's favorite shoes? Clogs
What does baby computer call his father? Data.
A man walks into a bank and puts a bag of weed up on the counter. He asks to open a joint account
To make a long story short, just walk away once you're bored.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there's a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you'll wake him up
[Playing spin the bottle] "Ok so Fred has to kiss..." [Bottle spins out of control, goes back in time & lands at the last supper] "...Jesus"
I promised my trainer that I'd set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there's a lunar eclipse I work out.
What do you get if you deep fry Santa  Claus? Crisp Cringle.
Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER: 1) get her home by 11 p.m. 2) so we can chill 3) i have mario party 4) be my friend
Is it just me... Or are circles pointless
I wonder if internet commenters ever get tired of solving the world's greatest problems.
Why did the coach prohibit the blonde from giving any bj's to the team? The guys complained about the blow-dryer being too hot ...
I met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds funny, Dozen tit?
Dear Coworker, If I'm nodding my head & smiling at everything you've said, this means I'm fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
What did the Gregorian monk say when he was kicked out of the monastery? Give me one more chants!
I'm American and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world... Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
What is Pink and lies on the doormat? Whitney Houston's Valentines Day Cards
Q: What do you call a loaf of bread when you cut off both ends? A: Endless Bread!
Talking to women is like writing code I look back at what I wrote a week later and think "what the hell was I thinking when I wrote that?!"
Saw an offer up at a pet shop selling unwashed dogs 'Buy one get one flea'
All the world is a stage, and the only seats I can afford are obstructed view.
This is funny So is this
How many donald trumps does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. He holds it up and the world revolves around him
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once? That's how I'm handling adulthood.
What do you call a Robert on a stick? A keBob!
There are 3 types of people in this world People who can't count and people who can.
To ease tension in crowded elevators I yell "George Lopez is a comedic genius!" Then I get stabbed with an ice pick & I don't have insurance
Why did the chicken cross the road? Some insensitive asshole was tapping it to certain death on his iPhone.
I hate having to pretend I like vegetables for the sake of my goddamned children.
Three ways to get something done Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ? Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
What do you call it when an Eskimo makes a dirty joke? Inuit-endo
What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday? I don't know but you'd better hope he likes it!
How did Thor's brother get his powers? Just Loki I guess
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her... According to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend.
What do you call political yeti? Obamanable snowman
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear? Because he liked sole music!
A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily...
Why did the elf have to play with Mega Bloks? Because he was Legoless
Who writes hit musicals on the Internet? Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Life tip! (Joke) When someone tells you to expect the unexpected, slap them and ask if they expected it!
What's the most inconvenient thing about liking big butts? The inability to lie
According to my Nike Fitbit I masturbated 4 miles today
Did you hear about the family with hereditary diarrhea? They said it runs in their jeans
It's not karma, you're just an idiot.
"I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE," I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.
A man submits 10 puns to a contest, hoping to win... but no pun-in-ten-did.
They say 1 out of 3 people in a relationship cheat. I can't decide if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Latest economic indicators show an uptick of growth in the manufacturing outrage sector.
Google needs a "you really don't want to know" search answer.
Michelle takes Sasha and Malia on a trip to Paris for the week. Wanks Obama.
Have you heard about the new male contraceptive pill? You put it in your shoe, and it makes you limp.
We all missed harambe Except the bullet!
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this?"
What's the difference between some people and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
Wanna hear a clean joke? Bob had a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a guy.
When is a woman wrong? As long as she is unmarried.
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.
My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.
A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor says to him "you need to stop masturbating." The man asks "why?" The doctor replies "because i'm trying to examine you."
Why doesn't a window scream when you shatter it? Because it's paneless.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them for a minute and says, "What is this, a joke?"
did you know there are people who hate jews who are not nazis? yeah, they.re called tenants.
In West Philadelphia born & raised/ through my anus is where I got most of my AIDS - Tom Hanks in Philadelphia'
What's a programmer's favorite drug? Codeine.
Her: You have very beautiful hair. Me: Oh, you flirt! *Hands me her card* Her: If you're ever thinking about selling it, call me...
The Great Spam Recycler
Why was the rooster happy after his trip to Vegas? He got clucky.
What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common? They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.
Royal jokes. (discuss) I want to see what jokes people can come up with about the British Royal family.
'Hardys, Bitter, Fosters, Strongbow' Daft Punk ordering a round at the bar
Heard about the Polish Coyote? Chewed three legs off.. and still had one in the trap.
[greeting aliens] Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
We play GTA because it let's us do things we wouldn't even think about doing in real life... Like golf, tennis and yoga.
Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.
A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop..... ... and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says 'ball or aerosol?' The man answers 'neither, I want it for my armpits.
What has arms but can't move them? A small child paralyzed from the waist up.
Why're they called hemorrhoids? Surely they should be called asteroids? :]
I wonder if Sherlock Holmes is good at his taxes... He's great at making deductions.
Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.
Why don't chickens have lips? Because then they'd have soft peckers
Me: let's go vegetarian Husband: can we still eat eggs M: of course H: fish? M: obviously H: bacon on special occas- M: we'd be crazy not to
When BP says, "We have the spill under control" is the new "I promise not to come inside you."
Sore Mccain My arms are so sore from the gym. I feel like John Mccain after the Vietnam War.
What is Christopher Reeves' favorite band? The Talking Heads
i have a joke, but not funny .
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk* ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Where did you leave your legless dog? Where you left him. And how do you call him? Doesn't matter, he won't come.
How do ghosts navigate the ocean? They use boo-eys.
If you don't hate yourself by the time you log off, you're not using the internet correctly.
What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on your organ.
(i walk up to the counter at subway) hey hows it goin? (i rest my foot on the sneeze guard thing and it slams shut on the guys hands) my bad
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
A joke I made up in middle school Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Because Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!
Sure, as a white man I can't say the n word... But I can say things like, "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad".
A blind man walks into a bar "Ouch!"
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
No one seems to care how NYC's smallest residents are handling this heatwave, which is why I'm asking you to join my Shave The Rats campaign
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out.
So my girlfriend came over and wanted breakfast So I offered her my personal salami and if she tried hard enough she could get some dipping sauce as well
Sausage jokes are bad... But German sausage jokes are the wurst
Wordpress is shutting down? http://www.everydayfails.com/articles/wordpress-is-shutting-down/
Went to the shoe store and bought a pair of converse, disappointed they haven't talked back yet.
Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first." Husband: "The washing machine broke." Wife: "And the good news?" Husband: "The dogs are clean."
Did you hear about the woman who died at an orgy last night? She went down swinging.
I woke up to find that someone pooped in my slow cooker. What a crock of shit!
Did you know you can drink Lava? But only once!
If there's more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali? I just want to be ready.
Don't fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.
Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?" and I have few friends in real life.
A drum set falls out of a window... Ba dum tssh!
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page. How the tables have turned Kate.
Wanna hear a joke? Me too
I like my scotch like I like my women 12 years old and ice cold.
They always say to follow your gut, that's why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
What do you call an orange thats been in the sun too long? tangerine
What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common? The same middle name.
Whats green and flies? Super Pickle
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I got ripped off by a hooker once. Damn fish swallowed it whole and snapped the line, $24.99 lure down the drain.
What do you call a group of prison bull-dykes? Ellen Degenerates
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head. That was on South Park last night and made me lose it.
Tell me Jeeves, are lemons tweeting? -No,sir. -Well, it seems I squeezed the canary in my tea again.
Jesus told John Come forth and receive eternal life. But poor John came in fifth and received a toaster.
Do you like puns? Then I'll pun you in the face!
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar. They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.
What do you call a cheap wig? A small price toupee.
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.
Why do political yes-men use so much Raid? Because they're sycophants!
Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.
Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says "Remember, you have a wife."
Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job.
Q. How do you make a dead baby float? A. 1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of dead baby.
What did Hitler do wrong? He didn't finish.
I saw someone litter a picture of Kim Kardashian. What a waist!
What's the similarity between a spanish prison and Leonardo DiCaprio? Now, both have an oscar.
I made my girlfriend dinner to cheer her up after her abortion The selfish cow didn't even touch her king prawn in red wine sauce
When should funerals occur? Mourning
Last night I overheard a punchline, but didn't hear the preceding joke. The punchline is inside, you tell me the joke. Bruce Jenner's cat
How do you titallate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot.
A friend of mine accused me of having a scat fetish Fuck that shit.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...
I let friend's kid call my ex & say "Are you really my daddy?" while I'm in the background yelling "hang up the phone,he doesn't want you!"
A cat goes to the vet with a septic infection. Hello Pus, said the vet.
What's the difference between heroin and foot long dicks? Your mom isn't addicted to heroin.
A girl said to her boyfriend "let's do it doggy style" The guy said, sure. But we need to find a street where nobody knows us first.
What has six balls and screws everybody? The lottery.
"Bikini faux pas: are you guilty?" As a guy, it's very hard to imagine the bullshit that women are bombarded with.
I love trigger warnings... They help victims of abuse know what's ahead, and they help me spot Trump supporters.
How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker
Alzheimer joke (can't remember if repost)
Deciding what kind of bread to eat with my curry... ...is a naan issue.
I can't wait for turkey dinner tomorrow. I love middle eastern food.
FB friend's boy in a baseball uniform pic: "Our little pitcher" Me: "He looks more like a catcher" Nobody got it. So I'm back here..
[JOKE] Why did the guitar teacher get arrested? For fingering A minor.
Whats white on the outside green on the inside  and comes with relish and onions ? A hot frog !
What do you call a Black-Asian? Hung
I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em. 2) Know when to fold em. 3) Know when to walk away. 4) Know when to run.
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. Apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
What do you call the guy that graduated last in his class at med school? Doctor.
I told my wife ..... I'm going to quit my job to become a stand up comedian, and she said, "You can't be serious"!!!
A man on his deathbed told his wife he would like to make love one last time... She replied "I'm the one who has to get up in the morning!"
A Black man and a Mexican jump off a cliff who wins? Society.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
How was my soup? Souperb.
I Don't like racist jokes... ...because I don't appreciate black humour.
The backside of women is my second favorite part. It's right behind the front.
How did the Jewish mother offer to help her son meet a nice Jewish girl? She offered to pay for half of his J-date membership.
I like bald eagles. They taste almost just like baby seals.
What do you call a woman with big tits who doesn't make sandwiches? A compromise.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Last time I had sex, it felt like the 100m Olympic final. There were 8 black men and a gun.
Why did the pirate date the mermaid? He thought finding X in her algebra would lead to booty.
What's white and smells like black paint? The freshly painted fence. What's black and smells like white paint? The 6 year old who painted it
My wife suffers from a case of constant halitosis... So I guess it's a good thing I'm hung like a TicTac.
W T F After Tuesday, even the calender goes W T F.
Leather armor is the best for sneaking... ...because it's made out of hide.
What did the farmer's daughter say when she lost her virginity? Get off me dad you're crushing my smokes! Or "That'll do pig, that'll do." I have heard it both ways.
ISIS is knocking on my door recruiting... Cause I just bombed this physics test.
I know I'll be a great chef some day... it's just a matter of thyme.
You wouldn't steal a gate. So why would you take offense?
The UK's economy. That's the joke.
What's green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table
I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details.
A man is suing a hardware for selling him a bucket with holes in it. Personally, I don't think his argument holds water.
I just heard a dried up grape won the lottery, got a supermodel girlfriend and won a brand new car. I guess everything happens for a raisin.
In honor of MLK day: Why don't black people sleep? ...Because the only one that had a dream was shot.
A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the Bar Tender here?"
Being a virgin is sort of like owning a used Prius. You've never had sex.
Cat was like, "I've been trying to call you all day. 8888888888888888888888888884. That's you, right?"
Physical Doctor gave me a physical and says I have to stop master bating. I ask why? He says "because I'm giving you a physical"
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find ...
What do you call a rabbit who lifts weights? A jacked rabbit.
What's Donald Trump's favorite drink? A white Russian.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Licksalotapuss. What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.
Coworker: "How was your weekend?" Me: "You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions."
Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby daughter? The baby, because she's a little bigger.
How do you get out of an elephant? Q: How do you get out of an elephant? A: Turn around and around until you get all pooped out. (5 yo humor never gets old)
Why did the gambler think he was in heaven? He found his pair a' dice!
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated? Too Mennonite.
It's cray that I totes obvi say perf and adorbz on the regs
What do you call an asian walking a dog? A vegetarian.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
As a large scale chicken farmer I raise hundreds of cocks everyday for a living.
Medical fact If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well! haw haw haw
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you drop a load in it.
The American Dental Association recently awarded their "Dentist of the Year" award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.
What does the perverted frog say? Rubbit!
How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dust pan.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Why did Hitler make such a bad weatherman? Even when it was rain, he kept yelling "heil!"
How do you call a male prostitute? A prostidude!
What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A liquor cabinet! heh.
ROTFLMAOBNHETKMFTARLA Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off, but not hard enough to keep me from typing a really long acronym.
Q: What's the most popular afro-american stereotype? A: boombox
What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50? Good morning your Honor!
How do you call a person that is afraid of people homophobic
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I told a joke in lit class and got crickets So my teacher was telling us about a class she took. "I took a really epic class on Falkner." and I responded "not as epic as a class I took on Homer."
Three blondes were on an escalator at the shopping mall when the power suddenly went out. The were stranded for two hours.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? You kick his sister in the chin
"Let's bust this joint" is the new tag line for the Artritis Support Group.
My handheld social networking device is ringing! What do I do?
There's a gap in my knowledge of clothing retailers
What did France say to Turkey? That's not nice.
what did one mountain say to the other? meet you in the valley!
Hitler took a quiz... He didn't do that well on most of the questions, but he got the third reich.
What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bail
What car is it best to grow grass on? K-K-K-Kia
What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife? A midwife crisis.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
A Pokemon Joke What Pokemon likes to run? Lucardio!
Can I just drop it like it's lukewarm? It's been a long day and I'm tired.
I got a puppy for my ex. Fair trade.
Tacky on you, that outfit is! Tacky on who? [Tachyon!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tachyon) Who's there? Knock, knock!
In my 32 years this is what I've learned about women: 1.) "No" means no 2.) "Maybe" means no 3.) "Yes" means maybe
A guy goes to the doctor... The doctor says "You have to stop masturbating." The guy says "Why?" The doctor says "...because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."
NEVER FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM. I just came from wolfing down a Kit-Kat in the utility closet.
Cancer research scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves..
How many times do you have to tickle a squid to make it laugh? ten tickles
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Boss Like Diaper A Boss is like a diaper, always on your ass and usually full of shit
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Nein.
I'm NOT flirting!! its called BEING NICE!
What do you call an angry pirate? P-irate
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
To me, drink responsibly means don't f?cking spill it
A democrat, a libertarian and an idiot walk into a bar.. "I'll have a beer please", says the republican.
What do you call a sassy criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.
Blind man walks past a fishmongers "hello ladies!"
Dear XBOX Kinect If I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I'd play sports.
What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out the window? Where you going essay!?
Duck in my soup. Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup... Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night? Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!
lets play cops & robbers! ok! i'll be robber! i'll be cop! *robber hides* *cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*
My 13 year old told me this joke.... Him: I want to start a dating website for Indians.... Me: a dating website for indians? [scratching my head wtf] Him: yeah I am going to call it connect the dots.
BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL ME: Who? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180*
What is bordering stupidity? Canada and Mexico both are.
Well it's now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred? Hey, is that guy dead?
What's the most positive thing about Harlem? HIV
To all the girls who take pictures in the bathroom in public places, I'm taking a dump in the stall behind you....Don't forget to tag me
"Oh NOW Burger King delivers!" -Paula Deen
[Dad jokes anonymous] "...and I'm clean 30 days" Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I'M DAD "DAMN IT, JERRY!"
Him: What's your cup size? Me: Venti
What is Hitler's favorite chocolate? Fuhrerro Rocher
A young man knocks on the door of his Girlfriend, who lives with her parents... Her dad opens the door. "Good day, Sir. My name is Tobias, I am here to fuck your daugther." "To WHAT??? "Tobias."
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
I've been lying on the floor of this Cheesecake Factory for half an hour. Everyone keeps stepping over me
Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog
I know what I'm getting for Christmas. Fat. I'm getting fat.
I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.
I'm surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done He's surrounded by tools
Dad joke Do any of you, when going poop, say "Get out of me you piece of shit!" And then chuckle cuz it's a literal piece of shit?
I lost two things today: My virginity and my job as a morgue assistant.
Why should you never mention the number 288? Because it's two gross. source: someone told me this joke, it's not my joke.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I'm running out of ideas for gifts.
What's it called when you're killing time at work hiding in the bathroom? Stalling.
Politics isn't confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.
Fitness tip: It's absolutely crucial to take "rest days" when working out so you don't get hurt. I've recently taken over 300 of them.
Cheesy joke What did the big cheese round say to the baby cheese round? Getting older isn't going to make you the big cheese.
Why can't you starve in the desert? Because of all the sandwiches there.
You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction.
The police came to my house looking for a child molester... I guess I wasn't supposed to volunteer.
Why do dogs run in circles ? Because its hard to run in squares !
I used to be addicted to the "Hokey Pokey" song, I couldn't stop listening to it again and again and again... But I turned myself around.
How does a gay forester calls his diary where he keeps account of all his affairs? A heath ledger
There are eleven types of people in the world... those who understand binary, and ten other types of people.
What goes stomp, stomp, stomp, squish? An elephant with a wet boot
I bet my friend $1000 I'd never take it in the butt. He says I am just a sore loser.
Why does Edward never leave Russia? He's always Snowden.
I never feel more hypocritical than when I tell my kid she's been on the computer too much.
What the difference between the U.S. Government and a bucket of crap? The bucket
Math Problem Q: If the the radius of a pizza is *z* and its width is *a*, what is the pizza's volume? A: (pi)(z)(z)(a)
Yo momma is so fat that she was sorted into the House of Pancakes
an irishman walks out of a bar Hey! it could happen
Maybe Jehovah's Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they're looking for Heaven's Door. You don't know.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who's knees don't bend.
I asked a librarian About some books about Pavlov's dogs and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rings a bell, but doesn't know if it's here or not.
Is athlete's foot [gulp] fatal, doc? "Not with the proper treatment." *gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed &  high-fived & I'm in Jail...
Second date tip: repeat everything you said on the first date, word for word.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
My girlfriend said we should split up because she can't handle me acting like a detective all the time... "GOOD IDEA!" I said... "We can cover more ground that way!"
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" "Kraken's not here." "What? Ugh! What can we release?" "Gary's here." "Gary?! Dammit! Fine... RELEASE THE GARY!"
Where do lightning bolts go on dates?  -To cloud 9
My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.
Hey, parents. Stop raising children and start raising adults.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir
If you see someone doing a crossword puzzle Whisper in their ear, 7 up is lemonade.
A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, thefaucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.
When a woman asks how good I am in bed... I'm definitely not the second coming.
What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen? Eat out.
Dogs are tough!! Been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy!
I hate when my iPod earbud cord gets hung on an object and it violently rips the earbud out and I get that murder-y feeling.
Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off
Jerusalem by Don McLean I think the song could be greatly improved if at the line: "All roads lead to you," the singer shakes a fist and yells out "Take that, Rome!"
Did you hear about the magician that turned his family into a 3-piece suite but couldn't change them back? They were rushed to hospital where staff described them as "comfortable".
How do mice celebrate when they move home ?  With a mouse warming party !
If asked at a job interview "what's your biggest weakness", test their tolerance for honesty by replying "mortality"
Good News: The Giant Panda is no longer considered 'Endangered'. Bad News: It's now considered 'Extinct'.
Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business? He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.
You know, you're not that bad looking -- for a fat-ass.
Why does Luke Skywalker never have trouble getting laid? Because he always uses the force.
Why don't soccer players get hot while running? Because they hve so many fans
I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
What do you get when you cross a muppet with the Loch Ness monster? Messie Thank you and goodnight.
The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.
Im trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz
Fart when people hug you...it makes them feel strong.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Crock and Dial ! Crock and Dial who ? Crock and Dial Dundee !
TIL reddit automatically change your password to asterisks whenever you type it in a comment.
Why are Americans so bad at MOBA games (League of Legends, Dota, Heroes of the storm, etc.)? They can't defend towers.
*Semi drifts into my driveway, transforms into a robot and hands me my package.* This Amazon Optimus Prime account was so worth it.
Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine? A mental hospital
So I went to the mattress store and tried laying on one of the Temper-Pedic mattresses. I was impressed.
What's the difference between a meeting and a funeral? A funeral is a meeting where you're dead outside as well as in.
How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?  Collect!
Sooo much pressure as a woman to not have a mustache.
Damn that lawnmower.... No matter how much I like a film, I can only give it one thumb up.
Why does a German always have the last laugh? He has to wait for the verb.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt
Why did the aliens choose to not invade and enslave the human race? Because they're not garbage collectors.
Why Did The Boy Drop His Ice Cream? He Got Hit By A Bus.
Did you hear about the new Canadian pornographic news network? I'll jizz here, eh?
Five most popular enhanced interrogation techniques.. .. The fourth one will shock you!
What did the Ferguson police said about the black guy who was shot down? Worst case of suicide they have ever seen
A joke I made up inspired by Mitch Hedberg. "Last week I had to put down my dog. It was sad." "I said, you are one dumb dog."
Hitler was quite thirsty... i hear he downed 6 million gallons of jewce
Yesterday evening, I had to change a light bulb. A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar. My life is one big joke
Leprechauns Why are leprechauns always laughing when they're running? Because the grass is tickling their nuts
People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Make A Dumb Person Curious Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?" - "No, how?" - "I'll tell you tomorrow."
What's black hairy and writes under water? A ball-point gorilla!
Tweeting with an egg avatar is like showing up to a job interview in a sweatsuit.
Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep his nuts dry
What's a pirates favorite thing to knit? Scaaaaaarrves
PLOT TWIST: MARIJUANA is the drug against wars.
I have to go to twitter for my news because the news is too busy showing me tweets.
This election cycle makes me want to find a bar really badly... Do any 21st amendment people know where I can get a drink around here?
JonesTown Massacre Do you know why you never hear any jokes about the JonesTown Massacre? .......The punchline is too long!
What do you say to an alien with two heads? Hello. Hello.
Teacher asks a question Teacher: "whoever answers my next question can go home" Jimmy throws his bag out the window Teacher: "who just threw that?" Jimmy: "that was me"
Three virgins go into a bar; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Hours later out come a blonde, a brunette, and a virgin. ....Ginger Snap!
What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you? A pool table.
"Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I've ever seen." "Mam, that's a tire." "Kids, get me a napkin."
My friends cat just ran across his banjo and was immediately sued by Mumford and Sons.
What do you call a gay Dinosaur? Megasaurass
Timing. Why don't Norwegians tell good jokes?
Two banana peels What do you call two banana peels? A pair of slippers
I don't play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Anyone seen the movie about the female eye doctor who's always naked when she kills her patients? It's called 'Lasik Instinct'.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot Vampire: sucks the life out of u Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling Child: all of the above
why are there fences around graveyards? people are just dying to get in there these days.
What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.
Sometimes I like to freak out the toddler by putting my iPad to my ear and frantically asking her if I've been miniaturized.
[making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Capitalization... It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Me: if u kill a murderer the number of murderers in the world doesn't change Her: yeah... anyway your total will be $8.49 at the 2nd window
What the #1 thing every guy looks for in a woman? His dick...
Helen Keller walks into a bar... Then a table, then a chair.
"This isn't my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump kin
Why did the students need a ladder to get into school? It was a high school.
Oscar nominations are out. Let's experience actual emotion about multimillionaires giving each other gold
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
An asshole What do you call someone that puts the punchline in the title?
What is Jackie Chan's favorite drink? Wata
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
I always cry at weddings (they're wasting so much rice!!)
Couples who take too many fertility drugs should always put an asterisk next to their child's name to show that the parents used steroids.
Library joke A guy goes to the library and says, "I want a book on suicide." The librarian says, "Fuck you, you won't bring it back!"
What does Snoop Dogg say to his baby? Kushie kushie koo
I had my first ever threesome last night... There was a couple of no-shows but I still had a great time.
Are you hot, dawg? Funniest dog joke I tell my pet beagle every hot afternoon. He laughs everytime.
Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel... There's no ballroom.
Why did the chicken cross the ocean? To get out-of-range of North Korea's nukes.
Japanese boy kills his grandfather... Pfft, youth in Asia.
As a Fat bottomed girl, I'm not sure how we're expected to make the Rockin' world go round. That sounds *way* too much like exercise to me
Why don't off duty police men fire grenades into children's cribs? If you're good at something never do it for free.
Am I an Angel A little Black Baby Dies and goes to heaven, he sees and angel flying and says "God am I an angel?" God looks down pats him on the head and says " Nah Nigga you a bat"
you can't please everybody. if you could, you'd probably be pansexual.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[thoughts of person talking to me]: He's furrowing his brow, he must really be listening! [my brain]: How do cows make cheese
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If a bundle of sticks with an axe in it is a fasces, does that make an OP with an axe to grind a fascist? Seems that way on 4chan.
Why did Anthony Kiedis cross the road? To get to the Otherside.
On a recent flight I was surprised to be served breakfast. Although it was only plane yogurt.
What do you get from a Hebrew genie? A coupon for 10% off three Jewishes
What is a ghost's favorite Wild West  town? Tombstone.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses.
Did you hear about the gay (native American) indian? He was a brave fucker.
I went to the zoo... I went to the zoo yesterday and I was disappointed to see the only animal they had was a single dog. It's a shih tzu.
Did you hear about the steak that was knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.
What would you name a star wars movie featuring Pluto? This is really just a bad pun, but to me those are the best kind of jokes Pluto strikes from the back and destroys Uranus.
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me. She told me she was at the mall with her friend Carrie. Thing is, Carrie was sleeping right next to me!
5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now... That's a perfect vision joke.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Why couldn't the butter quit his gambling addiction? HE WAS ON A ROLL!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If girls have two X chromosomes... Do pornstars have 3 X chromosomes?
So Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar. The bartender says "OH SNAP"
I'm selling my talking parrot..... Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!
Alcohol is an excellent solvent. It dissolves marriages, friendships and organs.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
There are three types of people in the world... Those that can count and those that can't.
Manatees come in all sorts of shades and hues Oh the hue manatee
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
What's pink and hard? A pig with a knife.
Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
90% of my opinions are a shrug.
What stresses fish out the most? Current events.
What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother? Look, Ma! No hands!
Why can't a lesbian diet and wear make up at the same time? Because..........It is hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.
If you show up to a job interview high and tired... You're hired!
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
I like my bread the way I like my women... French and covered in butter.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days. Me: hmmm Satan: well? Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are all arranged in flawless, perfect alphabetical order... AS THEY SHOULD BE.
Why can't you fart in an apple car? It doesn't have windows.
What do you call a gay drive-by. A Fruit Roll-Up
*steals machine parts all year* *gets coal for xmas* "Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber" *turns coal into diamond*
I wish I had an old Asian man for a pet. That way I could name it "Old Yeller"
What do all Pedophiles have in common They're all Fucking Immature Ass-holes
What is the most noble office supply? The ruler!
In an interview: "How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?" "I Excel at it." "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir?" "Word." Edit: thanks u/Steve_Jobs_iGhost
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In a mirror! Reply from my 9 year old brother, after my mom asked me this while talking about future career prospects.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?... You're gonna have to give me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.
The real oldest yo mama joke... ...yo mama
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
I farted in a room of hipsters and watched them fight over who heard it first.
You can tune a piano.. You can tune a piano, but you can't tunafish
Did you hear about the guy that spilled curry powder in his bed? Woke up in a Korma
Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my...shit she's coming. To be continued.
Doctor: "Why is my waiting room empty?" Judge: "I hauled everyone off to court" Doctor: "You're trying my patients"
I'm not fat. I'm just easy to see
Whenever someone tells me "make yourself at home" at their house, I always clog their toilet
What do women and dog turds have in common? The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
I was surprised that Lil Jon endorsed a presidential candidate... BERN DOWN FOR WHAT?!?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven? ME: you mean heat it WIFE: not this again ME: it can't be heated before it's heated. don't give me that look
Two cannibals are eating a clown... and one says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Engineering students are always confused by women... ....why do the ones with the most streamlined bodies put up the most resistance?
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Husband says to his wife "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!" She says "what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."
Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.
I just farted in an elevator. Which was wrong on so many levels.
Who's the most popular guy in the hospital? The Ultra Sound guy. Who is it when he's not there? The Hip Replacement guy.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY: When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
A woman goes shopping and she buys one tomato, one steak, one yogurt, and a small bottle of soda. The cashier asks her : "you're single, aren't you?" Yes, how did you guess? Because you're ugly.
I got excited when I came across this "topless Bar", in kolkata while driving home last night. I walked in and was shocked to find out that it had no roof !
The past, present, and future walked into a bar... It was tense.
What do call a poor black man listening to classical music? A Baroque nigga.
What's the worst thing you're likely to  find in the school cafeteria? The food!
Why did Arthur have a round table ? So no one could corner him !
We've secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens. Let's see if he notices.
Roses are brown, violets are brown Who shit on my yard?!?
Do you know what an Australian kiss is? It's a French kiss, ......down under!
My cat deleted my final thesis. Don't believe me? Cats can handle mice.
I've waited a year to post this This
If you've been married less than a year, stop with all the love and marriage quotes. S hit will eventually hit the fan...
A guy on the street just said "nice feet" to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
A Priest and a Rabbi Are walking down a street. They see a 13 yr old boy walking towards them The Priest says "Let's take him down this alley and screw him" The Rabbi says "Out of what?"
How come you never write e-mails? I'd rather send a note!
Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating
Ran into my ex on the street. He's got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I called a rape advice line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
Why is a rat and a jew alike? you can find both running through the sewer after a nice hot shower.
I'm not exactly sure who Pavlov is... But the name does ring a bell.
What did the proctologist do to those poor people's butts? He rectum.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin* "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?" *dead guy sits up in casket* No it sounds lovely. Keep going
What would bears be without Bees Ears
Q: Was Jesus delicious?
I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Aaron Hernandez He used to be a tight end, but prison will turn him into a wide receiver. ;)
Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
What font was used on Wyatt Earp's tombstone? Sans Sheriff.
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office. I will take it back. You have my Word.
i know a guy who loves saying "best thing since sliced bread" and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne? Acne waits until you're thirteen before it comes in your face
Generally speaking, a woman's hotness is directly proportional to the number of times your wife calls her a whore.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
How do you convert Spanish programming into English? Yes++
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands They are now known as the Islands.
An all inclusive guide for lurkers: How to reach the front page. Details inside.
Dear Evolution, It's a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Two wires were screwing around on the network. What did they discover? Twisted pair.
Dad: Why is your January report card so bad ? Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after  Christmas !
Why did Nixon never drive on the highway? Because he always took the low road.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field
I went to a Native American barber, but I wouldn't recommend him. I got an uneven haircut, and Apache shave.
DTF (Down time finally) -mom's everywhere
Waking up Is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Legend say, Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice... Donald Trump tried to count to 10 and got stuck in a paper bag.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I'm beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson's daughter.
What goes above the water and below the water but doesn't touch the water? An egg in a duck.
Boss: Can you send the documents Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain Boss: Ok just don't forget to send the documents
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
ClickBait, don't click on it are you serious?
If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.
"Pool" in Spanish is "Piscina". They know.
Today on "Dora the Explorer", Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can't explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
What is the difference between someone who worships God &amp; someone who worships the sun? The sun exists.
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepard? The Stones say "hey you get off of my cloud!" The Shepard says "hey Mc Cloud get of of my ewe!"
You guys hear about that mathematics student who was flunking? He only understood his field to a degree and decided to look at it from a new angle.
I thought my watch ran out of battery power... It scared me for a second.
"Would you like to put your hand deep into this hole" - Pokemon I know it says no outside links but it's necessary cause it's a screenshot of a poorly phrased event in Pokemon http://imgur.com/a/Zt8X6
What do you call a nice Jewish Lyft driver? an Uber Mensch.
I went to an illiterate psychic I couldn't get a reading
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist... ... a black man might rob me.
My wife said I should compliment her features more often... ... So I slashed her face.
What do you call someone who majors in geology and astronomy A rockstar
#NAME?
What do you suppose Ray Rice's fiance' did when he got her home from knocking her out? The dishes if she knows what's good for her!
Nothing is creepier than driving next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed.
Top Fears 1.Walking on manholes 2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death 3.Christopher Walken
How much does a plumber make in an hour? It depends on how much crack he can produce.
My girlfriend got her period today... ...and I guess, since I'm the adult in this relationship, I'm going to have to have "the talk" with her. They grow up so fast...
People judge public housing, but it's cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I'm not sure I see the problem...
The Night Life North Korea has just announced their own time zone ...Meaning the world now has the first official Party time.
Anybody know where I can get a Game of Thrones Valentine's day card? It's for my sister.
Arguing with women is like getting arrested, anything you say can and will be used against you.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
What do you call a bear that swings both ways? Bi-polar
What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono.
When does it become a dad joke? When it was a kid.
What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work? The aftermath
What do you call a really good fisherman? A master baiter
What is better to be taken, than to be given? A shit
I met this lovely girl who's an amputee; lost her arms...She's a joy to be around, but... I just can't ask for her hand in marriage
Knock Knock Who's there CD CD who? C DEEZ NUTS *ha* ^^*Got* ^^^*em*
What's orange and red and crawls along the side of the road? A wounded cheesie.
I just don't understand how moats ever went out of style.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves. Batman: We also poop. CG: We? B: They. I mean they
50% of Indian Roads are filled up with holes. And the rest are filled up with Assholes !!
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers] Mario: You-a kill my father! Wario: No. I am-a your father. Mario: Mama-mia!
Two goldfish are alone in a tank, One says to the other one, "have any idea how to drive this thing?"
Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites? New Jersey picked first.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could've done to get on my mom's level.
I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Abbey ! Abbey who ? Abbey stung me on the nose !
What do you call a coked-up Iron Man? Steel Man.
What did the mentally handicapped kid get on his math test? Drool
*breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
If Twitter weren't for unconsidered blather, they wouldn't have named it after bird noises.
Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
A secretary and her boss Secretary: do you wanna go out for dinner tonight? Boss: I don't know. Check if im free while I go get some coffee.
Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck in the chicken.
I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time... I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch
Psychedelic Playthings... So I should probably stop covering my child's toys in LSD and leaving them out... ... I've heard they can be a trip hazard.
Whats green and flys through the air? Super Pickle
You need some more fuel for that fire? Cause I got some wood for you right here.
I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?
What does Michael Jackson and Santa Clause have in common? They both like to come down your shoot.
What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t.v. show? I wish I could hear you whinnie.
I don't like adulting... ...just kidding.
An Irishman, An Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"
What does the nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business.
Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.
why don't foot fetishists ever win anything? because they like the taste of defeat. i'm not even sorry.
My grandad keeps complaining about erectile dysfunction. He really needs to grow up.
How does a deaf and dumb tell a secret to another one? He wears mittens.
Trump just said if he's elected he'll shut down the corrugated container industry He wants to make America crate again
Here's a joke about my browser history: [deleted]
Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.
Obama is an obamanation. That is all.
Are you still looking for a job? I hear they're hiring at the zoo circumcising elephants. The pay is small, but the tips are big!
LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name? [flashback] ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it? LUCIFER: That's fine
If our next President is Donald Trump.. He will put the P.O.S in P.O.T.U.S
Your mother's cooking
The legal age of drinking in Alabama has been changed to 31... Representatives hope that it will keep underage drinking out of high schools
I have found that there are three kinds of people; Those who can count and those who can't.
What do you call a cassette single of The Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"? Scotch tape.
"Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?" "Because its a gas planet son"
I'm never buying clothes for my kids again Dang baby goats just eat everything!
Did you hear about the newly sponsored gay NASCAR team? Its always in the rear of the field.
My girlfriend asked me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
Why Didn't* the Chicken Cross the Road? Because he was too chicken! Sorry.
What does a vampire take for a cold?  Coffin syrup!
If you crush a cockroach, you're a hero. If you crush a beautiful butterfly, you're a villain. Morals have aesthetic criteria.
How is the new Meta Gear game? Its solid.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Just another day in Portland Oregon http://i.imgur.com/JL86MY3.png
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter's forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $3.99 and deer nuts are under a buck.
I was talking to a 12 year old on the Internet when she told me she was an undercover cop I told her I was proud of her That's a really big job for a 12 year old
"Newt Gingrich" sounds like the name of a villain that JK Rowling made up.
What do French labor reforms and French citizens have in common? They'll never work.
What's the difference between a virtual car and a real one? You can't steal a real car a few bits at a time
*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking* *sees the coast is clear, licks tree* And that's how they found out about maple syrup
What do you call it when you have a bad dream about having sex with someone you hate? A 'fucking' nightmare.
My doctor suggested I use ice to reduce the pain. But I think this whiskey tastes just fine without it.
What did the Catholic Mexican say to greet the Greek God of Thunder? "hey zeus!"
So a guy gave his friend ten puns hoping one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did
Whats the #1 crime associated with cell phones? Battery
Skyscrapers are more than just structures. They have many, many stories.
Two chemists walk into a bar the first one says "can I have a glass of H2O" and the second chemist says "Can I have a glass of H20 too". and then he dies.
20/__ -- Cyclops with perfect vision
I'm selling shirts for armless people called Ampu-T's.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Did you hear about the guy who could only count using odd numbers? He literally couldn't even.
(Job Interview) Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself. Me: I'm unemployed. I: How about something personal? Me: Personally I need a job.
I don't think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic.
What did Marshawn Lynch say when he went to traffic school? I'm just here so I won't get fined.
My good friend is the world's best hitman... ...earning over $10 million each year. He really makes a killing.
I like talking to bartenders because they can't go anywhere.
Why do Irishmen hate Kia? Because gingers don't have Souls.
I heard that my old neighbour forgot about his dementia. He's alright now.
I made a graph of my past girlfriends. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
What do you call an Irish lesbian? Good with the Gaelic.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands  of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
One of my mates told me that he has a pregnant rabbit. It has an ingrown hare,
Just kick higher, dammit! This isn't Rockette science.
Will trump get a second term? Does it look like I have 2020 vision?
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
What do you call sheep in the Middle East? Arak of lamb
if you get killed while you have to pee your ghost will have to pee but it can't
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? 'Cause I'm pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi
German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: -Name? -Hans -Surname? -Schmidt -Occupation? -No, just traveling.
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
Why are there no bungalows in France? Because the French have many flaws
Here's a nerdy joke: If you use 8 bits from a Macbook, are you taking a bite from an Apple? Crunch.
What do you call a gay Nobel Prize Laureate in a blender? A homogeneous mixture.
Hilary Clinton will make the best president She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.
What is a ghost's favorite part of school? Spirit week.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what's it like to exercise?
A guy kept telling his girlfriend not to turn her head away near the end of a blow job...... Did she listen ? Nope..... it went in one ear and out the other
Dem puns... Why are there two hundred and thirty-nine beans in Irish Bean Soup? Because if there be one moar, it'd be too farty!
Why can't silverware go on good road trips? Because every time they set out, they eventually come to a fork in the road.
A child molester and a young boy are walking into the dark woods.... "I'm scared", said the boy. "YOU'RE scared?? I have to walk out of here alone!"
I'll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I'll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can't reach the remote.
Tilda Swinton is what happens when a lamp from IKEA becomes self aware.
I painted my computer black so it would run faster... but a cop shot it.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned Priest: Get out of my house M: But it's a big sin P: *sigh* Speak child M: I broke into your house
My roommate told me my clothes look gay. I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.
Why are guys so bad at math? They can't tell the difference between 3 inches and 9 inches.
The average male only lives to 25... It just takes 45 years to bury them.
"The Interview" Joke Kim Jong Un walks past a movie theater and sees a movie poster for "The Interview." He says "I wouldn't be caught dead in that."
Wrote Santa A letter asking for a baby brother Wrote Santa a letter asking for a baby brother. Santa wrote back... "Send me your mother"
90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground ...so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I used to be terrible at Valentines' Day too... But then I took an arrow in the knee.
Show me a cannibal who gets sick on missionary stew... ...and I'll show you that you can't keep a good man down!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos? Me: Noooo. I had one nacho. Hub: because they were stuck together? Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Teach a man to fire and he'll run for president.
What's the difference between rape and extortion? How you spell blackmail
You see those cows over there? They are outstanding in their field.
What's so good about being a CPU? Every time you are turned on, you're getting blown.
What did the doctor say to the patient who wanted to do his own surgery? "Suture self!"
Why can't mexicans pass the border in groups of three? Because there's a sign that says No Tres-passing
"Dad, did you ever fall in love with a teacher?" "Yes son , with the kindergarden teacher." "Then what happened?" "Well, your mom caught us and we had to send you to a new school."
If a woman falls in the kitchen and I pretend not to hear it, does she still hear the sound of me tweeting about it?
Why did the feminist accuse her teacher of misogyny? Because he'd D graded her.
Why was the blonde's belly button bruised? Her boyfriend was blond, too.
Why is the O in Opossum silent? Because it's playing dead.
Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting.  Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How come? The hunters were a man his son and his grandson.
What do you call 7 Irish guys singing "White Christmas?" Racist.
That picture of yourself that you hate now will look better than the best possible picture of you in five years.
What's today's date? Germany/Brazil/2016
Do you want a quick joke? Do you want another one?
Voldemort tried to kill my grandpa twice during the war! That's why his helmet has two lighting bolts.
After you're done watching them, Netflix should let you exchange children.
The hardest part What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheel chair
If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.
Why did Helen Keller scream? Her parents left the plunger in the toilet.
Did you hear about the French boat with five holes in it? It cinq!
What's Mozart doing? decomposing.
With gay marriage being legal now does that mean we don't have to call them butt buddies anymore? Good because that was a pain in the ass.
What did the clock say when he was finished having sex? The time has come.
I have the body of an eighteen year old I keep it in the fridge
I want to write a mystery novel. Or Do I ?
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
just told my kid "you're not going to die if you try a piece of lamb" and she said "yeah, i'm going to die anyway"
Greg wins 25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home "Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.
I wanted to tell you a joke about selfishness. But I'll keep this one for myself.
I keep confusing 9-11 and 7-11. Gotta stop going to ground zero for Nerds Rope.
Her : You hang up first. nnMe : *click*
I walked all the way from Europe to Africa. I know what you are thinking... Uganda be kidding me!
Knock Knock Who said you could come in?
My doctor told me that I have syphillis, gonnorhea and chlamydia. On the positive side... HIV.
What does a gamer say when he get married? GG.
Yo mama has so many chins it looks like  she's wearing a fat necklace !!
What do you call the device that keeps an Armenian man safe? A Serj Protector.
How do 5 gay men walk? One Direction!
Is PETA aware that we're still struggling with the ethical treatment of humans?
Next time you see someone you don't like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I'm eating right now
Teacher: What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ? Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !
If evolution is real how come? Monkeys still throw their poop underhanded
What's the coolest answer to a multi-choice question? B)
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms....
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Man walks into a bakery Says to the baker "I'd like to buy a wasp please." The baker says "Sir, we don't sell wasps." The man replies "Well there's one in your shop window!"
Why did the cowgirl name her pony ink? Because it kept running out of the pen!! My favorite joke when young :).
Where do snowmen put their webpages? On the winternet.
[bank robbery] OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN! [dave starts doing the electric slide] Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.... But all it did was change the color of the baby.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
They should make a weed strain called "WMD" Except it turns out it doesnt exist
I was wondering how close the twister was... The answer blew me away
An SJW walks into a bar... [Removed]
What's the difference between a black person and a bench? One can support a family
I asked an Indian if he likes custard He said, "not in general."
Brain: Compliment her eyes Me: Yeah? Brain: Trust me "YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY'RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO." Brain: Perfect!
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed and laughed Then i remembered that my wife and I had different dentists.
Say what you want about pedophiles.. At least they drive slowly around playgrounds.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on you. Fool me three times shame on you. It's always going to be you. It's NEVER me.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say "We ride together, we Die together."
What do you get when you mix a elephant and a rhino? Elephino!
How do you fix a monkey? With a Monkey Wrench!
Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.
The Brexit situation Britain: Down with the EU! *Next Day* Britain: I meant I'm down with the EU.
Q: Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan? A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought that she had stopped aging.
I wish I was your math homework Then I'd be hard and you'd do me on the desk.
Whats the difference between Love and Herpes? Your mother didn't give you love.
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.
Le'Veon Bell, Josh Gordon and Tom Brady walk into a bar To watch the first 4 weeks of the NFL season
Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer? He had...... Loco Motives
What do you call a broken statue with nice tits? A busted busty bust.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making
Did you hear about the communist nymphomaniac? When the workers of the world united, they all got an equal part in her.
China has a great wall..... and guess what? No Mexicans!
Why are drums a fire hazard? Because they're flam-able. Ba-da Bum tsss.
What's the name of that band Dave Matthews is in
After Kanye was released from the hospital for exhaustion what was his diagnosis? He had a Yeez-ynfection.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
What do you call a communist pirate? Lutin.
[interview] So your resume says you used to be in the theater yes that is correct What made you leave it? well, the movie ended so
Why can't redditors sew? Because the thread has been locked by a moderator
Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled? His toga size went from L to XL.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
All these fireworks and still my girlfriend has the shortest fuse.
I knew a guy who had 5 penises. His pants fit like a glove.
I don't have a sense of entitlement... but I deserve one.
My Italian grandmother just got a stair chair lift, I asked her how she likes it... she said ... "IT DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL"
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when some guys runs up and flashes them!! 2 of the old ladies had a stroke. The other one couldn't reach.
Why can't Ken get Barbie pregnant? He cums in another box
The happiest person I know is a lubricant salesperson... I guess you could say they don't have a lot of friction in their life.
There are 20 IT Professionals working on a government server 18 of them are Chinese
What do you call a Dothraki mathematician? A Khal culator.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I'm a quarter manatee.
My jokes are like hot chicks... Hard to get, and once you do they're not nearly as good as you thought they'd be.
Never be ashamed of yourself. That's your parents job.
What is the Dothraki font of choice? Kaleebri
How do you tittie fuck a flat chested chick? Froggy style. Ribbit ribbit
I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk. "You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"
Why is a giraffe's neck so long? Because it's head is so far away from it's body.
Japan's First VR Porn Festival Canceled Prematurely Because of Overcrowding Basically, a bukkake that ended early because everybody came.
The Mexican magician The Mexican Magician tells the audience she will disappear on the count of three. He says "uno...dos...*poof*" he disappeared without a tres.
My most forced joke. How did the lumberjack keep his business from falling behind when all the trees ran out? By moving faux wood. Rimshot?
Me I'm a joke
What's the difference between a campfire and a bedroom? When things start heating up in the bedroom, the wood gets wetter.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Whenever I hear an uninteresting 80 year old woman tell an uninteresting story I think, "Wow, you must have been really hot."
Why don't Chinese Restaurant owners do their dirty dishes? Because it's too much wok! [Sorry, I just made that up!]
I never go camping, but I sometimes go to bed without the TV on so I get it.
I didn't realize how religious the Japanese are. Always asking me if I have a pray station at home.
Whats the difference between a brown noser and a shithead? Depth Perception
Why are Americas so Hung up on the constitution? It's fucking ancient.
Please don't ask me if I like your new haircut, because I don't and now you made me lie.
My favourite joke - Two blondes are standing either side of a river, one asks the other "how do you get to the other side?" The other replies "You are on the other side...?"
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Why does the Trump campaign hire people in groups of three? One who can read, one who can write, and one to keep an eye on the other two "elitist intellectuals."
what's the healthiest thing about eating a wheelchair? The vegetable.
"Knock Knock" "Whos there?" "From" "From who?" "Its pronounced, From *whom*!" Sorry for bad joke, please leave your criticism! I need it to make funnier jokes! P.S. its not!
Media, stop using the phrase 'breaking news'. It's been broken for some time now.
What do you call Winnie The Pooh's grandmother? Poohnanni
Has anyone out there tried "Starbucks" coffee? It's really good. I think that they have a location in LA.
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? Everywhere.
Whats the difference between to dicks and a joke? Your mom cant take a joke. (Heard this from somebody in my class today)
What do you call midget psychic on the run? A small medium at large.
Strawberry is a terrible name. "Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw," you'd think. But you'd be wrong
Great news! Chipotle is giving out thousands of free burritos tomorrow! That means I'll be seeing thousands of you by this weekend!
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem... He says,"Give me 2 shots..." The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot."
It says right on the redbull can: do not mix with alcohol. What do we do? We make jager bombs. We are not a species made to last.
Why did Michael Sam, the first openly gay NFL player, say he doesn't shop at Sports Authority? Because he prefers Dick's.
What do you call a German rice cake? A reich cake
Whaddya call a large lizard in a trench coat? an investigator.
I bet 2 guys named Eric would have an easier time starting a sleepover camp for infants than 2 guys named Sid.
What do you call a bear that's questioning their sexuality? A bipolar bear.
When I die I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.
What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter  of a pound of ground beef? A humburger.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
What color is a baby in the microwave? I wouldn't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate
Did you hear about the new bolt the apple company made? The eye bolt
Say "No, TWO drugs."
Her: I like your facial hair Me: I like YOUR facial hair (FLIRTING IS HARD)
When The Rock is about to do it to his wife I bet he says something sexy like "You ready to Rock?!" or "Rock, paper, scissors?!"
[first date] "You're not into anything weird right?" -not at all *gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ...so I said "Implants?"
Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? ...Because Burger King didn't wrap his whopper
Important copyright notice Remember, if you sing "Happy Birthday" to the Queen, it is still *not* royalty-free.
I believe Donald Trump can make this country what it once was- -an arctic region with zero population
Say what you want about pacifists
I wish my cocaine was emo so it would cut itself.
Why are steak puns so rare? Because they are never well done.
Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.
Where do one-legged waitresses work? IHOP. Tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning.
Guess what Chicken butt
Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.
What's big, green, has four legs and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you? A pool table.
I tried anal for the first time last night when I was blacked out.. I never knew I had it in me...
I really didn't want to go the dermatologist... ...but my dad told me to face my fears! *thought of this while washing my face*
What did the redditor say to the repost? Upvote!
Is cyanide the most efficient way to kill someone? Asking for a fiend.
I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.
What has four legs and yells "Hodi doh, hodi doh?" Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.
A pair of jumper cables goes into a bar After requesting a drink, the bartender says, "OK... but just don't start anything."
How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? 10: one to change it, one to post about it for karma and eight to repost it a few months later.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You'll see it when you're pooping
My most favorite joke Boy to shopkeeper : Do you have fairness cream ?. Shopkeeper : Yes. Boy : Then why dont you apply to your daughter :D .
Gay pride parade? Why isn't there a straight pride parade? They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.
oooooo ....that went deep I was at the drug store buying condoms and the cashier said .... would you like a bag with those sir.... I said... nahh shes not that ugly.....
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music! His newest album is titled, "I'll Be Bach."
We should have a horse for president. All in favor say 'neigh'.
What do you call a crappy skin cream? DisappointmentTM
How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
If you've had your name called over the PA system at a grocery store, you're now famous enough to compete on Dancing with the Stars.
Did you hear that Jared from Subway might have been involved with child pornography? Sounds like he was just trying to beat fresh.
The 2016 US Presidential Election That's it. That's the entire fucking joke. Edit: Woke up to hundreds of messages and FP status. Damn. Thanks, folks! And thanks for the gold!
*time travels an infinite number of times to stop myself from eating the pizza but every time, future me just joins past me in eating it*
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly this dick in your mom's mouth
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend] you got the net? "yes" ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Why are people into Flat Earth Theory? Because it's edgy.
I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years. Do I look like I have a 2020 vision?
a man walks into a bar ouch
This map of Africa is so authentic, it has no borders, it just says "Hey guys, can someone fucking help us?" across the entire thing.
Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."
Funny one liners - 2016 Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.
I have two major flaws: 1. I'm very redundant 2. I tend to repeat myself
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
A boy walks into a butchers and asks for a pound of kidelies Do you mean kidneys? asks the butcher. boy: I said that didelie?
I walked into the pharmacist's office and asked for condoms for my 12 year old son. The pharmacist asked "is your son sexually active?" I replied with "no he just lays there and cries."
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I'm cool.
They call my mom Neutrogena she offers fast and effective hand relief for under five dollars.
Genetic link to male ageing and stress found in the XX sex chromosome. Hopefully it translates well enough into english.
Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread? The middle yeast
Me: Compassion is my compass. Him: We've been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold.
What do you call a hot high school math teacher? Expansion of minors
I'm hosting a support group for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come let me know
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? The Wall was both their last big hit.
Give me your best "Why don't you make like a _______ and _______."
The Pillsbury Doughboy just passed away. His funeral service will take place at 3:50 and it will take 15-18 minutes.
Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls.
When a door closes... and incognito window opens.
I have never understood telephones ,i mean, how can sound travel at the speed of light
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you Pull the pin out and throw it back
So a sloth got robbed by 3 turtles... When the cops asked him what happened the sloth said, It. all. happened. so. fast.
The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.
Lawyer: why do you want a divorce? Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly. Me: it's not my cup of shoes, Linda!
What command does the aardvark give most often  when he sails? Snout about!
What is a pedophile's favorite shoe? White Vans.
Most women love it when you play with their hair in public Their husbands not so much
FRIEND: haha she's so cutesay it for him honey HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Never trust couscous. It's just fat sand.
Confucius say... Man who walk through airport sideways going to Bangkok.
Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks? Because he got a hole in one!
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
kid who doesn't believe in Santa What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their balls? So they don't have hairballs!
The Mongols In the early days of their empire the mongols were openly mocked by their enemies for being so small and weak. Needless to say, Genghis khan really *stepped* up to the challenge.
Why can't Sweden win a race? Because, it always sits right behind the Finnish line
The problem with psychotic cab drivers. They drive me crazy.
While i was stealing my dad's laptop "yank motherfucker!" . . . "awe, god damn it."
When they came out Fanny packs were the new hip thing.
Why did they name themselves AC/DC? Because that's the chord progression in all their songs.
[date] W: I'm really into astronomy. M: Oh! What's your sign? W: The one that knows the difference between science & superstitious idiocy.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great Food! No atmosphere.
I want the Cowboys to come to my funeral so they can let me down one last time!! (Shots fired)
No, I don't need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
What is another way of 'saying caught between a rock and a hard place'? Having a threesome with Dwayne Johnson
I put the p in pants.
So I guess it's going to be ham for Thanksgiving lulz. cause no more Turkey
Question: what's Erdogan's favorite puzzle game? Answer: pseudo-coup (say it out loud)
In this day and age, the closest most of us will get to finding happiness is free wifi and an economy-sized tub of Nutella.
I think the large hand on my watch is lagging. Sloppy seconds
Are you russian? No, I'm not in a hurry.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Anti-jokes Does anyone have any good anti-jokes? I'll go first! Q:What's sad about four black men in a Cadillac driving off of a cliff? A:*They were my friends.*
A man enters an auto parts store. Man: "I need a windshield wiper for a Smart Car" Clerk: "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade"
As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.
Why did the doorman get a raise? He was always out standing.
Never tip a cow more than 15%.
A schmooze.... ...what Sean Connery calls an afternoon nap
"Wow this pizza is amazing" Yes, well it's our specialty dough. We soak it in pickle juice. Dill pickle juice actually. It's a dilldough
I just found out that there's a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I would like to be an ice cream man It would be a cool job
Why do white guys hate black guys so much? Because their sisters love fucking black guys more than them.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick into your mom's ass.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Audible be sponsoring so many YouTube channels you could go to "Audible.com/ " and type in any word you want and it would give you a free book
I have a friend who everyone knows is gay but he won't admit it. He'll swallow everything but his pride.
What's the difference between old people and babies (offensive) Old people don't die if you fuck them in the ass.
I like to go fishing from time to time... Just for the halibut.
It's cruel that people make fun of the way Stephen Hawking talks. I use one of those voice boxes myself and can synthesise with him.
What would Voldemort name his pet tortoise ? Voldetort.
I am so glad that BP is easier to spell then Eyjafjallajokull
My father used to say "Life is like a box of chocolates..." **BECAUSE WOMEN WILL DESTROY YOU.**
When I was single, my most frequently used approach with women was to play hard to get rid of.
Did you hear about the fish that went deaf? It had to buy a herring aid
Where does Peter Pan like to eat out? Wendy's.
Hamster joke There is a boy, he owns a hamster. What does the hamster eat? Ham.
Only and only when a mosquito lands on your balls do you realize there are some problems that can be solved without violence :)
Why did the chicken attend the seance? To get to the other side.
Why did Hitler send people to concentration camps? Because they had ADD.
You know why I like Peter Pan? He never lands. (I like this joke cause it never gets old)
What goes "knio knio?" A backward pig.
Finding $5 you didn't know you had is awesome til you realize you're 34, it's 2011 & $5 won't even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I got fired today for arranging the vegetables in a sexually suggestive way Apparently that's "unacceptable behavior for a special needs teacher".
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess' on it ... So I said, "implants?"
If I learned anything from my childhood, its that if you cry long enough, your dead hamster will be reborn as a rabbit
What did the Mexican fireman name his children? Jose and Hose B
Why is a bullet like a gay man? When it gets it in the ass, he blows his load!
Her: hear that? Me: nope Her: what if someone's is trying to get in to murder me? Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
What do you call a prostitute that does both men and women? An omniwhore
I told my court-appointed therapist I just needed a little piece and quiet. She said, "Necrophilia is a crime."
How do you blow a movie quote? You just put your lips together and whistle
I'm going to open a French-Vietnamese restaurant serving fake noodles.... I'll call it Faux Pho.
What's so cool about cemeteries? I don't get it. People are dying to get in them.
How does an atheist start their prayers? To Whom It May Concern
All I'm saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn't tell them to shut up.
Can I have a broken drum for Christmas? The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!
I bought a used BMW from a cannibal yesterday. It cost me an arm and a leg.
Vegetarian: *lists 100 reasons why I shouldn't eat meat* Me: Counterpoint: bacon.
My doctor said my blood sodium level is apparently too high but I take everything with a grain of salt.
The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I'm not into high maintenance women.
I hate it when I go to the supermarket and the employees there comment on my groceries. Always with the "Hey, sir, you have to pay for those!" Every damn time.
What did the really dumb guy name his pet giraffe? Spot.
Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I am still working on it.
Can't help but think if I hadn't eaten that baby corn in 2001 it would now be teenage corn.
What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch. My whole body is lazy so I'm wearing my couch.
What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film? Stop playing it cagey!
What is Lionel Messi's favorite soft drink? Si, era Missed
The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.
Which cheese is made backwards? Edam.
Whoever stole my copy of Office 365, I will find you You have my Word.
What do you call a white boxer? Black and blue
Dont wanna cause any alarm.But hold off on the #HappyNewYear stuff.Just traveled 1 yr into the future.lets just say it went badly 4 all of u
Sluggish (n): What slugs speak.
What do you call an English rock band that is high? THE ROLLING STONED!
Have you heard the one about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
What do star wars and the U.K. have in common? They both abandoned the EU
Why is Biotite the hottest mineral? Excellent cleavage.
How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU WEREN'T THERE MAAAAN!!!
I can totally keep secrets! It's the people I tell them to that can't!
"I'm gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I'm gonna make you real sad." - gas station nachos
If Apple releases a car... will it have Windows?
I bet Edward Scissorhands is very much afraid of Edward Rockhands.
Order 66 ... If the citizens of Star Wars used Base 66 Numbers, Palpatine would have said: &gt; Execute the Order of Magnitude!
How can you tell if a girl is under 18? Ask her if she is a Bernie Sanders supporter.
The Chicago Cubs
Most serial killers are men. That's because women prefer to kill just one man, over a period of many, many years.
Did you guys hear about the Great Potato Famine in Ireland? Seriously, how hard is it to feed your potatoes?
What's a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.
I turned on my computer and it went "Word" and I was like "Yo".
The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter
Getting pulled over Officer (*Walks over*) Officer -I'm going to ask you to step out of the car for a sobriety test. Me (*Presses tits together*) Me -How about now? Officer -Sir, get out of the car.
they smoked a joint and overthrew the government. now that's a high coup
last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas.... I woke up in a box.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
What's the shortest organ in a goat? An ISIS member's dick.
"Just obsess about that stupid thing you said for another hour, then maybe we can move on." - My mind.
The Amish are starting to promote the use of condoms.... To help stop the spread of Abes.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: a left ear, a right ear and a front-ear
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
now it's the scientists' turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them
How many potatoes does it take to kill the irish? None.
Why did the run-on sentence get worried? Her period came late.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.
Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart. And, both don't like it if you pee on them. Mostly.
Im not white im Jewish..
The chameleon couldn't change colors when the time was right... I guess he had a reptile dysfunction.
An angry wife storms up to her husband. Wife: Our son just called me a bitch. Husband: That son of a bitch!
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Happy Holidays Fun!
I said "You're not the boss of me" to my boss and it came true.
So excited that The Weather Channel picked up "Weather" for another season!!
A PhD in Fencing would be pretty useful... ... if you ever had a backgarden dispute with a neighbor.
What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A beanerschnitzel
I absolutely love helium filled balloons. I can't speak highly enough about them.
Would you rather have parkinsons or alzheimers? Personally I'd rather have parkinsons, cos I'd rather have half a pint than forget where I've put it!
How do chemists get high? they drop acid of course
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won't stop using 72pt font.
Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing? Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.
I'll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, "I'm here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don't care."
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What do you call martial arts for cows? Mooey Thai.
Why did dave go into the backseat? Because kurt called shotgun.
General surgeon's warning: Because you can't, you won't and you don't stop.!
What does Fetty Wap buy when he goes to Walmart? 7 tees, 30 eggs
How Long's A Chinese Penis? Yes
We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently, and my girlfriend said, "I don't get porn. Why would I want to watch to people have sex?" I said, "Two? People?"
I'm going to name my son Awesome... ...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.
Did you hear about the guy who nearly drowned in a bowl of muesli? He was saved by a strong currant.
My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
What's Bruce Lee's favorite hotel to stay at? The HYATT!!
50 of the most offensive jokes I know 49 of them is your mom
How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's what students are for.
Sharknado 3 jokes
Why do they call it a cheese grater? Because nothing is greater than chesse.
What did they say about the blind man who got hit by a bus? He never saw it coming.
There once was a man named Dave... He kept a dead whore in a cave, she was missing a tit and she smelled like shit, but look at the money he saved!
My friend likes puns so I came up with ten of them to try and make him laugh... ...but no pun in ten did.
I know pretty well how batteries must feel I'm rarely ever included in things either.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
What college tuition assistance system program did Simba put in place once he became the Lion King? The MUFAFSA.
With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they're all deductible.
when u r a responsible man so u finger ur throat to puke your beer up so u ain't 2 drunk 2 driver
What do you call memories of zombies? FLESHBACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do they call camels the ships of the desert? they are filled with Arab semen.
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? Pokemon
You hear about those robbers who steal shoes for fun? It's how they get their kicks.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. But, I still can't figure out how they got in there.
My girlfriend might not appriciate this. Me: I've got something to tell you. Gf: Don't say that makes me anxious. Me: I've got a date. Gf: ??? Me: http://imgur.com/GeYB7xY Still to hear back from her.
NEW BASKETBALL IDEA: oblong basketball that gets thrown down a long field-like court. Maybe we tackle the guy who catches it?
Man bumps into my shoulder "You're lucky this isn't the Internet pal"
If you don't walk sideways chanting 'crab people' when holding tongs, we can't be friends.
911? Yes, I was making donuts and... yes, donuts... yes, I'll hold. DAMN YOU GUYS ARE FAST!
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
Give us your best "...said no one ever" joke! "Why did they ruin this pizza with so much cheese?!" SNOE
A horse walks to a bar... Many people get up and leave the bar as they see the potential danger in the situation.
Political Correctness is out of hand You can't even say "black paint" anymore, You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my fence."
My son had a really terrible experience while camping last weekend It was in tents
*lays head on homeless guys lap* "You would not believe the day I had"
I can take two pieces of rope eat them wait an hour then shit them out tied together.... I shit you knot... ha shit you knot
I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Some day my prince will come.
The Energizer Bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery.
I bought a new boomerang but it sucks, because i cannot throw my old one away.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent? This is the last straw. He just lost my vote in 2020.
What does a Nazi reach for when he has a head cold? Mein Camphor
What are Mario's overalls made of? **DENIM DENIM DENIM.**
You don't get what you WISH for, you get what you WORK for.
What do you call an elephant with a  carrot in each ear ? Anything you want as he can't hear you !
On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia... Turkey shoot you!
warning sign on children's alphabet blocks Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
Why are diapers like $10 bills? Because you have to change them.
I bet Vanna White hates the day after Labor Day?
Toast at a Wedding "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast. "Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.
My ex called me a peadophile... Pretty big word for a 6 year old. Edit for all the nazis: paedophile... Common typo and not the worst in the world imo
ME: "I don't want sex tonight" GIRLFRIEND: "ok" Reverse phycology doesn't work on women.
A limbo champion walks into a bar And loses his title.
a little corny but here it goes...what can u make with onions and baked beans? tear gas
Why can't Helen Keller Drive? She's dead.
Sheet manufacturers totally have us by the balls. What are we, not gonna buy sheets?
Two blondes are having a conversation... Do you know that the black box of an airplane is actually orange! The other respond: OMG! So, it's not a box?!?
12 Polacks were about to rape a German girl. She started yelling "Nein, nein, nein!" so 3 of them left.
Went to a restaurant last night and the waitress had a black eye. I ordered slow and made sure to speak clearly. Because she obviously doesn't listen.
What do you say when someone hands you a nice, ripe blunt in Germany? Danke
There's no "i" in denial.
Getting to the point now where we should just try to get the water out of the oil.
What do crocodiles serve at dinner time? Death rolls
What did one gay man say to another at the bar? "Mind if I push your stool in? ;)"
Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?  A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!
A man on crutches walks into his local Ice-Cream shop.. He asks the lady behind the desk for a Knickerbocker Glory. She says; "Crushed nuts?" He says; "No, a sprained ankle"
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? Nsfw You can't marmalade your cock up someones ass.
growing up my sister was a cutter... thankfully, she got help and no longer cut herself; she would just ask me to do it...
My daughter said, "You're the best mommy ever!" I'm really proud that she's learning sarcasm at such a young age.
What's the worst thing about a September harvest? Finding a plane in your field.
*gently places finger on caroler's lips* you had me at "O come"
Why did Hitler break up with his girlfriend? She was a nein out of ten
A friend of mine was reading an article on a newspaper talking about the dangers of drinking, after that he stopped doing what he loved... ...reading.
What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes a woman crazy? $100 bill.
When Transformers was filmed in Detroit Michael Bay had to use CGI to repair buildings
What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid? Reality
"It's so hot outside..." "...that I poured McDonald's hot coffee on my lap just to cool off."
TIFU by crashing my car The last thing that went through my mind was my anus
You know what's a cool job?: Mirror inspector I could really see my self doing it.
why should you never sleep with a female beekeper? she might give you herbees
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache CW: *hands me 5 Advil* Woah there brother I'm not about to OD here, 2 will do
Why did the stool not listen to the stepladder? Because it wasn't his real dad
I wish I was a girl So I can use my menstruation cycle as my calendar.
Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it's free from the sky.
Why can't Kim Kardashian find her asshole? He's back on tour.
God said to peter come fourth... But Peter came fifth and won a toaster
Broken pencils... Are pointless.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with cheese
My girlfriend said she was cutting off sex for a while. I told her that is fine, we will just have more rape.
The orphanage i run, burned down today with the lives of sixty children Thank fuck i don't have to tell their parents ....
My number one rule to live by is: Don't die.
TIL I haven't actually been having conversations with my furniture... My toaster told me
Why are teenage girls so much better at English than boys? Girls, like, have a much better, like, grasp of, like, similes.
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years... It's not like I have 2020 vision
What's another word for knowing that you're right? Woman
Is it just me.... .... or were all the kids in the magic school bus show trippin balls.
I have a confession too Oprah. For years I have been stealing statuses from all over the Internet and passing them off as  my own original thoughts.
Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
The tachyon leaves. The Barman says "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon enters a bar.
A robot goes to see a psychiatrist... "Just because my intelligence is artificial doesn't mean that my problems aren't real."
What did the cannibal do after dumping her boyfriend? She wiped her arse.
What do Hispanic parents say to teach their son to drive? Jesus, take the wheel!
"GIVE IT TO ME" she yelled "Oh my God I'm so wet!!" She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella
What did the Mother say to her son when she saw him eating cookies for breakfast? Your Dad and I are getting a divorce.
Q: How did the pig get to the hospital? A: In a hambulance.
Even in the Olympics, women's basketball is un-watchable.
Dance like nobody's watching you. 'Cause they're not. Nobody cares. ~Inspirational tweet~
What format do Emo's prefer to compress files? .RAR
My plan if there is a draft: Put a coat on.
Donald Trump Trump never uses the washroom, ..... that's why he's so full of shit!
Did you hear about the engineer who was trying to truncate a table? They say his technique was cutting-edge
Why can't your children be like my office voice mail? Seen but not heard
My money box is empty... No change there.
What does a black man and a park bench have in common Neither one can support a family of five.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? If you slap the mosquito it stops sucking
some girls give each other the emptiest compliments I've ever heard "aww babe ur just omg like I can't" wtf did you just say??
My Dad got a new Lexus for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he's ever made.
Eat* a big** bowl*** of Cheerios****! Part***** of any healthy****** breakfast*******! [please read warnings and disclaimers carefully]
What's the difference between Wisconsin women and Iowa trash? At least the Iowa trash gets taking out once a week.
my high school class voted me "most likely to hover over the snack table at the ten year reunion"
What's the difference between a C4 and a feminist? The C4 does something when it's triggered.
I'm no weatherman... But you'll be seeing more than a couple inches tonight. ;)
Whats long and hard and has cum in it? a cucumber
The Kool-Aid Man seems depressed lately. Let's keep him away from load-bearing walls.
My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny. It was a cheap shot.
My friend David's ID was stolen the other day Now we just call him Dav
Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, "Oh wow, I love these, thanks" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, "dude, I got this"
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.
Live each day like it's my last? Terrible advice. Do you really want to encourage me to eat my weight in cereal?
A Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow $50 The father replies, "$40 dollars?! What do you need $30 dollars for??"
If your girl tells you "Deeper!" and that's all you got, just start reading poetry.
What do you call a cow who is also a knight? Sir Loin.
If you're heartbroken, remember: There are plenty of fish in the sea. But I'd advise giving mankind another chance first.
I wish I was Jesus so instead of listening to the same Christmas songs every day if the office, I could be dead.
What do you call a policewoman who hasn't shaved for a week? Constable
Why was the bicycle laying on the ground? Because it was two-tired
What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop?' Dr. Dre
Friends are like snow when you pee on them, they disappear.
Knights and dragons must have been the first rappers. After all, dragons spit fire, and knights slay.
I always find New Year's Eve stressful. I've been diagnosed with old langxiety.
Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.
Caught my son running a Google search for "adult entertainment". I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
A pedophile walks into the woods with a little girl... Girl: I'm scared Pedo: Me too, I need to walk home alone.
What's the hardest thing about Rollerblading? Telling your dad you're gay.
I don't even want to know how many nude pics Donald Trump's cell phone must have of him.
How do you ruin a date with Princess Leia? By saying Alderaan things.
You know why those automatic sensor sinks save water? Because none of them fucking work
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA Police are following a number of leads.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
My wife's sister My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I have a horse named mayo... Mayo neighs.
What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop? Polish remover
Did you hear about the guy who had writers block? He stopped writing and it was
Why do hockey players wear so many pads? Because they have 3 periods every game!
What's the word that starts with an "N" that no one wants to call a black person? Neighbor.
Italian Spies Why do Italians make good spies? Because they're masters of "DEESE GUYS!"
Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?
What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? Boy scout comes back from camp!
So I was in a race against a Prius the other day. I kept up for the first 100ft but I can only walk so fast...
Hate when you wake up & think it's the weekend but then realise death is inevitable eternal emptiness
Hitler couldn't have been that bad of a guy.. After all, he did kill Hitler
Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? A: Both can smell it but can't eat it.
Why do white girls only travel in packs of 3's? Because omg they can't even.
What does the herpetologist do when the sexual reproduction experiment is over? Turns off his monitor.
Why did the python return his pants? They were too constricting.
A clearly exhausted Pao walks into a pub and orders a drink.... The bartender asks "long day?" "No, all days are 24 hours long" Pao replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
Did you hear about the fire at the bakery? No one was hurt but business is toast.
If you say "guess who died?" with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Heard of a joke that made people hate me. It's called the game.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money's on LACK of intelligence.
What fruit had to have an announced wedding at home? Cantaloupe
Hendrik Lorentz walks into a bar... He sits down at the counter. The bartender asks "Why the long face?" Lorentz replies "What do you expect? I'm barely moving"
Bloody Mary used to be Virgin Mary.
Why did they have to cancel the volleyball games in the special olympics? It wasn't going over too well.
Days after a massive F5 tornado hits Mississippi.. ...financial experts estimate it did over 50 million dollars worth of good.
Did you know... ...95% of Chinese have Cataracts and the other 5% drive Rincolns.
What do you call a potato from Colorado? A baked potato
"It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean." But it takes much longer to get to England on a rowboat.
Hey, the 1700's called, they said please invent telephones.
I had loads of bird seed as well as loads of parrots with headaches. Trying to hold onto all the bird seed but the parrots ate 'em all
What do you call a man chasing a car? -Exhausted What do you call a man being chased by a car? -Tired
How do you get a gay guy to have sex with a woman? Shit in her cunt
What do you call people who don't repost jokes? liars
If I could have any superpower, I would pick China.
I once threw a boomerang, not knowing what it was for... Then it hit me.
Crayola is now doing its color testing on manatees and peta is pissed. Oh The Hue Manatee!
Once you go black.. You become a single mother.
What's the difference between Whitney Houston and a black widow? Nothing. Neither can climb out of a bathtub.
How can you identify a French Infantryman? Sunburned armpits.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I'd have an excuse to tell passengers, "Where we're going, we don't need roads."
Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.
A brother and sister are fucking and the girl suddenly giggles Brother: Why are you giggling? Sister: Because! You fuck just like dad, haha! Brother: I know, mom told me
Have you guys heard of the Ed Zachary disease? if you get the disease you'll look Ed Zachary like him!
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is the only movie I've ever cried to... I laughed so hard I cried
Did you hear about the two men who were  cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.
How many black people does it take to start a riot? -1
Monkey Jokes are alway funny Two monkeys in a bath, The first Monkey says O OOH OOK OOH OOK OOH OOK OOH AHHHHH AHH AHH AHH AHHH. The second Monkey says well put some bloody cold water in then...
One burrito looks at another burrito and says, "you wanna fight?" The second burrito says, "nah". The first burrito says, "What are you, chicken?"
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
What do you call a man with potatoes in their ears? Anything you want, He can't hear you!
Reward: Lost Dog What kind of a reward is a lost dog?
What do a trickster and a multiplicative inverse function have in common? They both want to pull 1 over on you.
[NSFW] What's a 6.9? Another good thing spoiled by a tampon.
Are the Polish for or against abductions? Maybe I should take a poll
I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Without a penis.
Cop:alright now repeat after me Me:repeat after me C:no not yet M:no not yet C:stop M:stop C:put your hands in the air M:put your h..
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance's baby is doing all day everyday day.
How come Apple-products have so small transistors? Children have very small hands
[Picking up girls] Me: you like bad boys, huh? Girls: yea Me to my wing man: tell them Wing man: he's just literally the worst
What happened to the muslim who smoked weed? They got stoned
My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away. That's a bit far-fetched.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody Nose
Around here we commonly refer to our intellectual property as 'our shit'.
If your Uncle Jack was stuck on the horse... Would you help your uncle jack off the horse?
Dad, I don't wanna sleep with my little brother anymore! - I know, son, but I already told you that we don't have enough money to bury him.
Why do push up bras not work for some girls? Because 0x0 is always 0.
Q: Why is a room full of married people empty? A: There isn't a single person in it.
I got a new car for my wife! It was a great trade!
why are black people so good at basketball because they can shoot steal and run!
I just spent fifteen minutes wondering how mermaids poop in case anyone out there is looking for a best friend or arch nemesis or something.
I'm so hungry I could eat a hor *horse walks by snorting aggressively* ticulturalist *horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Ha Long is many Dongs
Why was the lettuce scared of the salad? Cos.
What's the worst thing about 1 ply toilet paper? It's already shitty before you use it.
I smell sex and candy. I hate being Willy Wonka's roomate.
ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know...organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
Watching commercials about retirement homes makes my boner reach for the stars.
How do you pick Dolly Parton's Kids out of a crowd? They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips.
Sent him a pic and he replied "BOOM!!" Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
"Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!"nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I'll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I was recently asked to be a part of a biological experiment. The researchers said they would mutate me with an extra chromosome and give me $10 000 for it. I'm down.
Why did Moe finally decide to kill of Homer Simpson's son? he realized he was a Bartender
Two strangers are introduced "you have such a lovely name" "thanks, I got it for my birthday"
I think my intelligence is beyond of an average human I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and at the back of the box it says 2-4 years
What do you call a man with a colander on his head? COLIN! Duh!!!
What do you call a one-eyed sailor? Pop-eye the sailor man!
who lives in a pineapple in the back of the white van Spongebob, go meet him kids he has free candy, go and look
I ate an optimist once.. but I couldn't keep him down!
Q: Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache? A: So he could look like his mama.
How to fall down stairs * Step 1 * Step 2 * Step 4 * Step 15
I am used but in good condition.
your mom is so stupid... She put gum up her ass so she can pop shit. A very old joke that for some reason makes me giggle every time...
What is the average temperature of a Tonton? Lukewarm
Pedophile Jokes? I got 3: If they can cross the street they can take the meat. If they can pee they're old enough for me. I'm like a game boy, kids turn me on. You guys got any others?
What's the difference between a chickpee and a garbanzo bean? I'd never let a garbanzo bean on my face
When black guys say "ya feel me?", I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I'm operating at.
I don't know why everyone is mad at Subway jared He's just a fat man in a little girls body
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Back in my day we didn't have leaderboards or RTs. We just tweeted for fun. Uphill both ways. In the snow.
Little Girl: mom, I want to be an alligator when I grow up Mom: well, pick one. You can't be...acghhghh! Stop eating me! Aghhghhh...ah..a...bleh.
I like my tautologies like I like my tautologies.
If your drug dealer is on time, it's a cop.
So if something's not "unique" then it's just "ique," right?
Mirror salesman... Now there is a job I could see myself doing.
Inspirational tweet: There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.
How do you find a blind man at a nudist beach? It's not hard
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped prison? He was a small medium at large.
What is the friendliest kind of aircraft? A Hello-copter.
You could give me 67 years to do something and I wouldn't do it until the night before.
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
A shout out to all of the beautiful women who don't need to dress trashy to attract a man..... But party at my place for  all those who do
Please make sure my tombstone reads: wish you were here.
I like my women like WTC7, going down for no reason, that's a conspiracy joke that 9/11 people won't get, it's an inside joke.
Women are like cars... Only the broken ones stick around.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his whole family
Why is Jupiter both the favourite and most hated planet for Jews? Favourite because **Jew**piter is the biggest planet in the solar system Hated because it's a gas planet
If I wrote an autobiography I bet it wouldn't sell Story of my life..
To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?
The guy in front of me in line to get coffee was loudly complaining that he "needed his fix" and then ordered a soy iced mocha latte
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones* Are you mad at me?
BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
What do you call a depressed dog swimming in a pool? A watermeloncollie.
What's the most terrifying gift your SO/Family can buy for you? Reddit gold.
Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold? Because he is a bad influenza
What do canola oil and some abortions have in common? They come from rape seed.
Have you ever had sex whilst camping? ...It's fuckin' in*tents*!!!
What do you call a blind trig function? Se-cant.
My 11 year old made this up. Why did the pirate need a hooker? Because he lost his hand.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? 'Do you smell carrots?'
So Einstein finally finished that theory about space he's been working on. It's about time too, right?
I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn't make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.
What is good on pizza, but not good on pussy? The cheese and crust.
Should English be the only official language of the EU? No.
Survival of the Fittest Women in the New Zealand wilderness survives by drinking her own breast milk. Your turn Bear Grylls
Poodles are just angry clouds with legs.
What do you call a guy who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub? A bartender
A man is accused.. ..of raping a ginger woman. The Judge says 'what you did was disgusting and horrible'. The man replies 'in my defence, it was dark and she was wearing a hat!'.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware store? He was looking for a tight seal.
I asked my co-worker if she liked Adele.. Co-worker: No, I haven't listened to any of her music actually. Me: Oh! Then you must be rolling in the deep!
When I'm at a business dinner I pretend like I'm choking so I can chug my wine.
I can't wait for my girlfriend to get up and swap tampons. Let's see what she thinks of the party popper I've put inside her.
What's Jared Fogle's favorite weather? El nino.
Why do people put orange clothes on their kids at pumpkin patches? I almost picked a fat one up until it screamed.
What do you call a Mackem thief who travels around on horseback? A Ha'wayman.
How do you know if a black woman is pregnant? Stick a banana up her cooter, if it comes out half eaten, you've got a monkey on the way!
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
Some mathematicians are on the negative side, While others are quite positive.
A sloth was robbed by 2 turtles Sloth robbed by 2 turtles. Cop asks if he could describe the assailants. Sloth replies, "It all happened so fast."
Knock knock... Who's there? Poo. Poo who? POOYOUMOTHAFUCKKKKKKAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! /r/unexpectedthuglife
Why did Donald Trump win the Republican nomination? Don Rickles is dead.
Why can't you run in a camp ground? You can only 'ran'; it's past tents.
A grasshopper walks into a bar . . . A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender: Ya know, we have a drink named after you! Grasshopper: You have a drink named Steve?
Guy goes to the doctor and says, " I cnat siht!" The doctor says, "Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements."
I went to see a theatrical piece about puns last night it was a play on words
Minnie Mouse comes home to Mickey and tells him she wants to get a divorce Mickey: "What? Think of what this will do to the ratings! Are you fucking crazy!?" Minnie: "No dear, I'm fucking Goofy"
People on Facebook "Like" everything but grammar.
I'm not into anything "weird", but this vacuum at Target looks like a total VILF.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
How do you tell if somebody doesn't have a smartphone? Just wait, they'll tell you.
I was writing a paper on my grandfather... But had to stop because he was moving so much.
I used to have a bird called "Stockholm syndrome" who lived on my shoulder. I used to hate the bastard, but in the end, he grew on me.
What do you call a fight in Mexico? A Juan on Juan.
A man on an airplane was having a heart attack The stewardess asked if anyone on board was a doctor. A man replies, "I'm a vegan!"
Hey, have you heard about the new Micheal Bay film? I've heard the lead role goes to explosions.
I would talk about computer science... But it makes my mother board
Some people have 32 teeth while others have 10... It's simple meth.
I fan speak a little French I'd like to bon appetit (bone a petite) Edit: can not fan
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
What's long, green and smells like pork? "Kermit the frogs fingers"
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she's building a castle.
Why was the cannibal expelled from school?  Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
So a guy is eating a steak dinner at a restaurant... ...when the waitress comes over and asked the man "How did you find the steak, sir?" The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."
How does a butcher introduce his wife? Meat patty!
What do you call 500 dead lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? A good start
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
Did you hear that the BBC have sacked Bob the Builder? They feel they can no longer trust a children's TV star who claims to be able to 'fix it'
There was a groping incident at work. I apologized but they fired me anyways.
I found my friend poking holes in my condoms... Dick move...
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
When someone is calling with your girlfriend... Take the phone and say: What has little balls, and hangs down? A bat. What has big balls, and hangs up? ...Then hang up the phone x)
Once upon a time there was a man. Today there are many **EDIT** Grandad joke. Rest his soul
I sent off half a score of jokes into a competition to increase my chances to win.. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
Why did the condom fly across the room? It was pissed off
I am a dyslexic AMA fighter, MMA
New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke. What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.
The bus carrying the Chinese tourists crashed. It hit a language barrier.
What do you call a gender confused toddler? A Transves-tyke.
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January 2nd February...!
They found a hole in the wall at the University's girl's locker room. The police are looking into it.
What's it called when a terrorist's wife cheats with an American? Infidel-ity.
What kind of stretches does a pencil do? Ticondeyoga
Where could you look up Joan of Arc's profile? On Tinder.
Why did the fish not get accepted into college? His grades were below sea level
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society
When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle. And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.
how many tourette sufferers does it twat to caun a light bollocks?
If life hands you lemons, ask it why it has hands.
Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of S#!t... ...the first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm Eatin' Here!" Boom.
What did the dyslexic person worship? Santa.
"I like my women like I like my Stephen Hawkings... ...paralyzed and unable to talk." - Bill Cosby I'll see myself out.
Why did the Bear dissolve in water? He was polar
Why did kurt pull the trigger? He couldn't get hole out of his head
I just had my first prostate examination Worst dentist ever.
Whats brown and comes out of Cowes backwards? The Isle of Wight ferry.
What do you call the person who revised Hitler's speeches? Grammar Nazi
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke? Duck: Please address me as 'M'llard'
Whats The Difference Between a Hobo On a Unicycle And a Man In a Suit On a Bike? Attire.
What's worse than finding out that your wife has cancer? Finding out it's curable.
Most of the 1990s was spent staring at a cool light display on an Aiwa stereo.
Is it I 'ran' through the campground? Or...I 'run' through the campground? Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.
TIL ninjas only have sex in the dark... That way you can't see them coming.
Do you want to hear a really condescending joke? ... Do you even know what that means?
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise? A. Turn right and go straight.
I mean, really though, who hasn't seen a UFO at this point?
The Three Laws of Secure Computing 1) Don't buy a computer. 2) If you do buy a computer don't plug it in. 3) If you do plug it in sell it and return to step 1.
You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school. ...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation.
I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.
I'm gonna be honest with you... Particle accelerators give me a hadron.
What's the definition of a school report?  A poison pen letter from the principal.
I've always wanted to play smooth jazz while making love... ...but apparently the bedroom is an inappropriate place for a drumkit.
Did you hear about the lawyer who ate gold? He passed the bar
Do you know which End she was talking about? My teacher pointed me with her ruler and declared that at the end of her ruler is an idiot. I was suspended for a week for just asking which end!
A Polar Bear walks into a cafe He says, "I'll have a burger and.... a coke." The waitress says, "Okay. But, why the long pause?" The bear says, "I don't know. I was born with them."
What did the crop say to the Farmer? Why are you picking on me?
What is Viagra for lesbians called? Batteries
[my son brings a meme home] please can we keep him [me loading shot gun] leave the room Gregg
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan
"When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets."
What do you call it when a hooker farts? A prosti-toot
Why are sandwiches better in space? They are always a bit METEOR!
Hermione decided to spice up her life after realizing she was a basic witch. (Sorry, That's it)
Cream? Sugar? Fuck you, I want 2 cubes of chicken bullion in my coffee. I've got man's work to do.
A man calls in sick... A man calls in sick and his boss replies and asks "how sick are you?" Well, I am fucking my sister so pretty sick.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
What was hitler's favorite topic in math? Aljewbra
I'm running away to join the internet.
My wife's legs are like the peanut butter I left in the fridge. Won't spread.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this Me (being stabbed w/swords): I'm so sorry for getting blood on your swords
FUN FACT: Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I saw a VW hybrid today. It runs on gasoline and lies.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
What's the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A Pickpocket snatches watches.
What do you call three rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don't need profanity to make a point. Look: Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I shake my bottled water so the H's & O's are evenly distributed.
The most unrealistic movies aren't fantasy and sci-fi. They're the movies where people have a conversation in the pouring rain.
I could tell you a joke about a plane... But it'll probably go over your head...
were do animals go when their tails fall off? The retail store. Edit: WHERE NOT WERE I'M RETARDED I KNOW :(((((
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?...my apocolypse plans depend on it....thanks!
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year... Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
Now that China has blocked Wikipedia, they're considering replacing it with... ... Xikipedia!
Some apples don't fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling...and rolling...and rolling..
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
I drank too much water I'm going to pee for it later.
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WATAHH!
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
What's the best thing about portugal? You never have to carry your bags because of all the porter-geese. Thankyou, im here till monday!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
What does FCPA stand for? Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver 'I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago'
How do you make an archeologist mad? Give them a bloody tampon and ask what period it's from
What's brightly coloured and looks good on raver kids? Fire.
The pimp hand... Strong enough for a man, made for a woman.
Doctor, How was the surgery? surgery? But... was this not an autopsy???!!!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
N. Korea ready for war with US, leader tells nation. Come on baby. we are ready.
Her legs spread so easy, I can't believe it's not butter.
Transvestite joke What's the best part of sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
Seven dwarves... sitting in a bath and they all felt happy. Happy got out and they all felt grumpy.
My wife was raped by a troupe of mimes They did unspeakable things to her
I really suck at school, the only time I got an A+ is at the blood test.
How do you deep throat a Muslim girl? You Ramadan her throat.
What do you call a battle of wordplay? Pun-fu fighting
Just accidentally threw an 'xo' in a text to a dude. Guess I have to fuck him now.
Which director is Hollywood's darling? Michael Bae
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the  taxi and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Measurements in China. How long is a China man?
A young musician left his priceless Stradivarius violin on a train in Germany. But it was returned... no strings attached. Wait...what ?
What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper titties
What's the worst part about being a rollerblader? Telling your parents that you're gay.
I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels.
You never realize how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
What does Green Day say before bed? Green night
[opens treasure chest & it's full of treasure] Me: whoa Friend: what is it? Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
One day the bass player hid one of the  drummer's sticks. The drummer said "finally! After being a drummer for so long now I am a conductor!"
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I'm the only one not invited. Weird.
Apparently there was a new episode of "Biggest Loser" on tonight... Indianapolis Colts edition.
Q: what did Norman Bates say... when the waitress asked him what kind of toast he wanted? A: wheat! wheat! wheat! wheat! wheat!...
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology Has been my Achilles elbow
My kid threatened to hold his breath until i gave him dessert He's now passed out on the floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I'm like on 756.
So a termite walks into a bar. He then proceeds to ask, "where's the bar tender"?
[at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human
I heard there are hillbillies dressing up as clowns and threatening people... They call themselves the Ku Klux Klown
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said Maybe
Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we're going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like "Oh she's cool she's one of us."
Son! You have been adopted -Really! -Yes. Now gather your shit and get out. Your new parents are here to pick you up.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
I think "old media" should rebrand themselves as "cougar media" to attract a younger male audience.
When I don't approve of another shopper's groceries in the checkout line, I just use one of those separator bars to sweep them to the floor
Why are people not right in the head? Because on the left side of the brain there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left!
My crush's ex-boyfriend was into wearing diapers I asked her best friend what she likes in a guy. She said, "Depends..."
What do you get if you type  www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer? A sore finger.
GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me? Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.
Musician Joke Q. How many female jazz vocalists does it take to perform "Summertime"? A. Fucking all of them, apparently . . .
In light of all the recent blond jokes... Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them.
On page 24 of the world record book I'm listed as the men with the longest penis. At page 69 I'm listed as world's best liar.
What do you call a blonde white guy with blue eyes who is an experienced soldier and who works with sick animals? A veteran Aryan.
My friend likes to read philosophy instead of going to the club to pick up chicks... One could say he puts Decartes before the whores
My girlfriend told me to wash my willy I said no, it was the only way for me to make her gag
there's literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I used to be extremely afraid of hurdles... but I got over it.
The thing I like best about smartphones is how they're a prison you keep in your pocket
If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you  know which one is the American Football player ? The one in the sugar bowl !
If these seasonal allergies don't kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Her: What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom? Me: Showering is optional Her: HAHAHA, be serious. Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class ? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !
Want to hear a quality joke about knives? On second thought, I can't tell it. It's too edgy
Life is a dick... It looks short, but it becomes longer when it gets hard.
If I say "Bloody Mary" three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...drunk. (Now tell me yours)
What was the first thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 victims? Their knees! Please comment "No"
How was copper wire first invented? Two Jews were fighting over a penny.
Find everything OK, sir? Everything except happiness! You won't find that at Wal-Mart! We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Why aren't Jewish Youtube celebrities's work viewed at night? Because they're stars-of-day-vids.
A man married his own secretary thinking that she will still follow his orders as before.
An jihidist walks into a club ...on a Tuesday...
Dad, Why was Mahatma Gandhi bald "Because he always spoke the truth" "Oh! That's why woman have long hair"
[pitching script] WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet... PRODUCER: *yawns*...and its a woman? W: it's a burrito P: holy shit
What's the difference between Marcus Mariota and Floyd Mayweather? Best Duck Ever.
Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from jail? The headline read: "Small Medium at Large."
Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke. Boss: 5 times? Me: Yeah I guess. B: ..... M: HR again?
What did the number zero say to the number eight? "Nice belt."
What two friends belonging to two different alien species call each other? Brothers from Another Mothership.
Life is like toilet paper You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
If vegetarians eat vegetables What do humanitarians eat
When someone says, "Good luck with that'' they actually mean "Let me grab some popcorn so I can watch you fail."
[HORRIBLE] What is the best-selling treat in Rwanda? A Tutsi Roll.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.
What's Scoobys birthstone? Ruuuubbbby?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise
How do trees access the internet? They log on
Why did the scarecrow earn a promotion? Because it was outstanding in its field
"You're sure you understand stock trading?" ME: Yep "Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?"
Meta - Despite the rumors I am not stepping down as Mod for /r/jokes. Here's why. I wasn't a mod in the first place.
Yay it's payday! *pays bills That was short lived.
A customer walks in to a chemist's. "I would like some deodorant please" The chemist replies "Ball, or aerosol?"
What is the best thing about liquid soap? It takes longer to pick up.
Which rabbits were famous bank robbers?  Bunny and Clyde.
I was suspicious that big multinational chemical corporation was up to no good, but then I saw that green cartoon leaf in its logo. Whew!
Why will the artist formerly know as Prince only hire former FBI agents as his house maids? Because they must be able to "dust for Prince" I'll see myself out now
There may be plenty of fish in the sea... but most of them these days are catfish.
This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I'm pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
If a porn star takes a vacation, Do they consider it a leave of abstinence?
Response to "LPT: If you ever get cold..." What if your corner isn't 90 degrees? Well, it just wouldn't be right.
What is a mixture of Hulk and Captain America called? Star-Spangled Banner.
If I ran the world, I would enforce a police state where everyone would have to weigh-in before being allowed to order food.
What did Ava Braun say to Adolf Hitler? I love you so much, my head could explode!
The people I work with are a bunch of potatoes They're definitely tator-taught.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist? A Methodist will say hi when he sees you at the liquor store.
Two skeletons open up a pasta resteraunt to serve the afterlife. What's the resteraunt called? The Bone Zone.
If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean? Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I don't mean to sound like a hypochondriac but I was diagnosed with the flu today & I feel like it's been coming on for a few years now.
Whats the difference between a zit and a priest? (My 17 year old camper just said this, made me cringe) A zit waits till you're a teenager to come on your face.
Where did the chess player go when he lost one of his chess pieces? The pawn shop.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn't totally destroy my phone
My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard? A lawn mewer. (I wrote this yesterday).
Brooklyn When you go to Brooklyn always bring a camera, because there are many things in Brooklyn that you will see, then never see again in your life... Starting with that camera.
If someone on the Windows team at Microsoft gets fired... would you say they've been defenestrated?
A reposted joke walks into a bar... It gets downvoted into submission
FAA study of black boxes found in domestic US, fatal, small airplane crashes shows 98% say "may day" remaining 2% are pilots from Tennessee who say, "hey good buddy, hold my beer and watch this"
Found a copy of "Dr. No" in German, and it only set me back nein euro.
Dad Joke: Help! There's a letter coming out of the water! It's an emerging 'C'.
In order to stop all the black lives matter protests Just play the national anthem on repeat, they will all sit down or kneel.
I got arrested for having sex in a park. Luckily, I know some guys so I only got away with necrophilia.
Waiter there's a fly in my soup! No sir that's a cockroach the fly is on your steak.
One time I asked "What would Jesus do?" & then a close friend betrayed me & everyone started misinterpreting what I said for their own gain.
With great power comes Greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.
What did the black horse name its daughter? Sha-neigh-neigh. Thought of it at work.
It's called a "Monte Cristo" sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
I was told that Microwaves were invisible But I can see mine on my counter. Is mine broken?
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the  timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
Monogamy First, do no harem.
Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!! Hub: I know! He's got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream! Me:... Hub:...his dream, not mine
On the bus I was sitting on the bus and this super hot Thai girl gets on and sits next to me I think to myself "Please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner" She did.
Damn girl, are you an alarm clock? Because no matter how many times I hit you you won't shut the fuck up.
What's the worst thing about owning a console? Memories of your dad leaving you are in 30fps
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
First came up with this joke when I was 5 and it's still the funniest thing I've ever said. Q. What do you call a line of Barbies? A. A Barbecue!
A man goes to the library and asks for their best book on suicide! Librarian says "Oh, we are out of copies on that. People who take it never returns it"
Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis? [OC] It was an obvious faux paw. ^Credit: ^My ^wife's ^a ^dork.
My wife wanted to spice up our sex life. So she asks me if I wanna have a threesome.     I said, "Sweetie. If I ever have sex with two women at the same time..... neither one is gonna be you."
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, except she scissors it in.
What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing? Help! My pocket's been picked!
What do Polish arctic researchers do at elections? They have a polar pole poll.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror] [ever so slightly later] ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
What did the fruit enthusiast do as he was dying? Prepear for the end.
I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups. Apparently, it's a very touchy subject.
Your momma's so fat . . . She has to lift up the toilet seat to take a shit.
I stare at the cats. "And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away." They look at me in horror.
Waiter: And what would the lady like? Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: Me: Date: Gigi, he means you. Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I got a discount circumcision from a friend. He did a terrible job, but it was really a fantastic discount. Now I'm not sure if I should complain or not. I'm really torn.
"It's now or nev" ME: Never. I choose never.
Him: Let's play "show me your binky." Me: Hey Father, this is a fucked up confession. Can't I just say a Hail Mary?
How many Jews died in the holocaust? Not enough.
I was taken by aliens! I couldn't get away, I don't speak Spanish!
Why is pulling out 100% effective for superman? They never survive the 1000ft fall to earth. (Thanks Drawn Together)
mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet mom: (._. ) me: I'm just kidding call the cops
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
A mushroom... A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender walks over and says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" To which the mushroom replies "Why not, I'm a fungi!"
Why do cows wear bells? ...because their horns don't work.
David Attenborough voice "Amazing. See how the youngest of the species always needs something when the mother is in the bathroom."
Atheism is non-prophet organization.
What do you call a jewish bodybuilder? Muscletov.
What part of the house does a ghost not use? The living room
Pedophiles lobby for slower speed limits at school zones
Lost my watch at a party... Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl. ^not ^^on ^^^my ^^^^watch.
Two nuns... There are two nuns in a bath. One says, "where's the soap?" The other says, "it does rather, doesn't it!"
Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!
They should just draw a fart on the car A/C "recirculate" button.
The Jerk Store Called, they're running out of you! -George Costanza haha, sorry this just came to mind and I had to share..
What do you call weed from Israel? MaraJEWjuana
I watched a gay fish porn the other day... ...it was pretty homoaquatic.
I've been searching months for my girlfriends killer. But nobody will do it.
What do you call a girl whose profile pictures are only facial close ups? Fat.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you're either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
What's the most favorite bird among most men? [BOOBIES!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Booby) I can't believe no one has made this joke here yet.
With a margin of error of plus or minus three percent. That's how I poll.
Knock Knock Who's there? Oink. Oink Who? Make Up Your Mind...Are You A Pig or an Owl
How come when animals have sex at the zoo it's "educational" But when I have sex it's "immoral" and "illegal"
What do you call a slav tree? A Dimitree.
A Nazi is beating a Soviet at a political debate. The Soviet says he needs to take a bathroom break. The Nazi says: "Now you're just Stalin".
Why couldn't Cauchy lose any weight? Because every time he saw a street pole he imagined two pies.
What is the difference between a straight man's mustache and a gay man's mustache? The smell.
LOL there's like 20 guys w/ "Female Body Inspector" windbreakers that's hilarious they're seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO
"You could have done so much better than him." Me: Mom, I'm right here.
Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her.
I have a Mexican friend from the United States... He said he was Juan of US.
What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner? A drunk drives right through a stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green.
What's the difference between a dead prostitute and a dead German midget? A tiny pair of lederhosen on your basement floor.
My girlfriend was masturbating with a carrot in the back seat of my car I shouted, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"
I'd have to say that my biggest downfall was about two flights of stairs.
Most of the things I would kill myself over losing didn't even exist 10 years ago.
Kinda wanna eat a jar of peanut butter, kinda wanna nap, kinda wanna punch a stranger. Being a woman is hard.
What famous actor costs an arm &amp; a leg to hire? ARMold SchwarzenLEGger
The networks need to change the phrase "Breaking News" to "Now What?"
*points at houseplant* no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry Potter came out of the Chamber alive.
Whoops, wrong sub
Chewbacca has started a website that gives out all of the Empire's secrets... Wookieeleaks
New boss. How do you spot a bad boss your first day on the job? Check his/her pulse. (bitter at the workplace)
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'? Now you have to say "Jerome can you please paint the fence".
i wish everything was made out of pizza i'd be like hey bro sorry I ate your pizza car and pizza house and pizza wife.
How does every racist joke start? /OP looks around/
U2 just announced a world tour. Are they going tosell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?
What has a mouth but never speaks, Has a bed but never sleeps, And has legs but never walks? &amp;nbsp; A mute, crippled insomniac
How do you deal with radical Islamists? You square them.
How do you get a blonde to agree to a threesome? (Oc) Tell her she'll see an Eiffel tower if she does
The Wind is a Force So when I pass gas i must be using the Force.
Gender is like a dead Jew. Before we know it, there'll be six million of them.
"Nice place!" Mmmehh "Hungry?" Mmmehh "You look nice." Mmmehh "DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?" Mmmehh "Mom told me not to date a goat."
What can a monster do that you can't do?  Count up to 25 on his fingers.
What's the opposite of assault? a pepper.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, they're efficient and they aren't very funny.
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar and forty nine cents and deer nuts are under a buck
What do you call empathetic bovine? understand bull
Me: Go ahead. Waiter: Huh? Me: You're staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it. Waiter: There's a leaf in it.
What does a Doctor do when he needs 50 bags full of fruits? He goes to Orlando and checks the Pulse.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I'm tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food? There goes my gyroooo
Tragic reports as customers find themselves trapped inside a burning Apple store There were no windows.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me
A black man walks into a police station... The police chief asks the cop... "so did you shoot him? Did you choke him out? Whats the problem here?"
The closest I've come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
"It's 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything" - cats
Did you hear they caught the peeping tom in Nunavut? His name is Tom Tukaluk
A husband and wife were found smothered in their bed... Detectives called it the pillow case...
Who is the wealthiest shellfish in the sea? [x-post from r/underwaterjokes] It's Prawnold Trump!
If Eminem were a feminist... ...he would be called Feminem.
What falls faster from a tree? A leaf or an emo? The leaf, the rope stops the emo.
What do you call a man on your porch? Mat. I neglected to mention he has no arms or legs.
I once saw three holes in the ground. Well, well, well.
Look all I'm saying is Harry Potter could have defeated Voldemort much faster with the use of drones
At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Can someone please help me to spell misogynistic? A man preferably
Him: I'd go to the end of the world for you! Me: Well... what are you waiting for then?
A nun who was known to smoke a pack a day just recently quit her habit. Now she just smokes naked.
If you were an Apple product You'd be an iSore.
What does Hitler's asshole and the 7 dwarves have in common? They both enjoy Mein Shaft
I'm sick and tired of scandals always being named "-gate" The only thing about it that consoles me is there's a parallel universe where Watergate Hotel was instead named after John Hancock.
Asking "Why aren't you married yet" is like asking "Why haven't you jumped from a moving car yet?" B/c it's painful and not required
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut? He's all right now!
NFL Not Female Lovers Nail Females Limp Nasty F...ckig Liars Not Fair Losers
My ex girlfriend is like an archaeologist ...always digging up useless shit from the past
I'm not a fan of NASCAR but I hear it's popular in some circles.
Why are women so afraid of looking stupid? Because they don't want the world to know!
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
What does it take to finish a race? More than a Holocaust
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out.
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday? I don't know, she hasn't opened it
Circles are so pointless.
Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.
"I do not negotiate with terrorists!" said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
So /r/news and /r/The_Donald walk into a bar... [removed]
What does a fish say when it swims into a wall? Dam.
How is a moil like a mashgiach? (How is the person who circumcises infants like the person who inspects kosher restaurants?) Their job is to make sure there's no cheese on the meat!
Showerthoughts has a rule against puns so here we are. Promiscuous women in 1984 were guilty of thot crimes.
Ray Manzarek, Ric Ocasek, and Sting were talking about forming a new band after moving on from their previous bands. They were going to call themselves The Police Car Doors.
Do you know why you dont get along with cassiopeia? Cause she is petrifying gays.
What do Asians do when they have an erection? They vote.
What did the byte do to keep each of his bits safe? He had to a-lock-eight into memory. -This is an original, hope you all enjoy.
Our cats aren't enjoying the 90-degree heat. But I refuse to apologize for climate change until they apologize for pissing on the carpet.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb? YOU DON'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!
MY friends are like second-day socks... They come through in a pinch, but they really stink sometimes.
I'm a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Music is like people, the black notes are the fastest
What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist? Is there a dog?
What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
[after first date] Him: I had a great time, I'd love to see you again Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Saying "I enjoy porn" is considerably less creepy than saying "I enjoy watching complete strangers have sex in highly unlikely situations."
Name a bird which doesn't lay eggs? any male bird
Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example: Ben is in a hurry Ben is in a coma
the best thing about the moon is that it doesn't have any sports
Racist joke,(answer this BEFORE you click) What do you call a black man flying a plane? No!!! A pilot! A fucking pilot! You racist bastard!
What's the difference between a Greyhound station &amp; a Crab with boobs? One's a crusty bus station... The other's a busty crustacean.
Why did the servant of the Airplane King get executed? He was not Boeing.
Can someone just tell me which guy Bridget Jones ends up with? I keep killing myself before the end of the movie.
What does your sex life have in common with a highway bridge? If you have weight limits you aren't going to see as much traffic.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I have a weird fungal infection on my foot... I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me.
"Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip." Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip. Dispatcher: Go ahead. Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.
My ex told me that I was gonna die alone... I told her she was wrong because I would die while making out with a shotgun.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Attila ! Attila who ? Attila you no lies !
What's your best racist joke? I was just looking for some good racially insensitive jokes for my friends. Gimme your worst, Reddit.
11:30 - Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 - Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 - Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises. The librarian said "I don't think its in yet". I said "Yes that's the one".
Where do people have the curliest and blackest hair? In Africa.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I got into an accident a few days ago. The doctor said the bleeding was all internal. I said "oh, thank god." The doctor said "why are you so happy?" I said "that's where the blood is supposed to be!"
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
What are Cephalopod Ghosts made of? Octoplasm.
Wayne Rooney said he wants to be a manager after he retires "Burger King or McDonalds" was his response when asked where.
How many people from Cornwall does it take to change a lightbulb? They don't care, as long as they do it better than people from Devon.
How was your thanksgiving? &gt;&gt; Very stuffing.
My dick may be short... ...but it sure is skinny.
What do Catholics and guitar players have in common? Neither of them practice.
This sub is so inactive There hasn't been a post all year!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you're asleep? I'm worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I still have nightmares.... I still have nightmares about the time I gave my Eskimo friend a house warming gift...
Folks, what's the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal
You say tomato, I say tomato But it doesn't make that much sense when you read it.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge "I'm gonna jump into that canoe". Me: "No that's your reflection".
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
Until you've thrown up peanut butter and jelly onto an 8 year old at the beach on a Sunday, don't talk to me about your "drinking problems."
Top 3 Wiki sites: 1. Wikipedia 2. Wikileaks 3. WikiwikiwikiSlimShady
I had an embarrassing sexual problem with my wife last week - I came too early And found her in bed with someone else
What does a robot do during sex? He nuts and bolts!
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like "yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph," literally nobody will know theyre fake
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?
My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow. That means no black people. (Credit goes to a person on either America's Got Talent or Britain's Got Talent, can't remember which)
Wearing your emotions on you sleeve(less shirt). the only emotion you wear with a sleeveless shirt is the one that let's people know you're a tough guy who makes a little less than $26,000 a year.
[NSFW] What's the Difference Between Peanut Butter and Jam? I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass.
I took the Quiz quiz and found out I am "Which Game of Thrones character are you?"
Gays in church
What's a suicidal Russian's favorite drink? Cyka bleach
Do you have any raisins? What about a date?
Why is American beer like having sex in a canoe? Because it's fucking close to water
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *choking sound
I stopped at the bookstore to pick up the book I ordered on how to get through life with an extremely small penis. It isn't in yet.
How do you know a moth is gay? Its balls are deep in the closet.
The best salesperson ever was the first woman to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
They're working on a series in which Bob Odenkirk is the star... It's called Better Call Sol.
Blonde with a twist Q: What do you get when you combine a blonde woman with a physicist? A: Marie Curie
When I was a kid, I wanted my bed near the window to see the moon and stars. Now, I want my bed near the mobile charging plug.
To the girl I had sex with... My name is not 'help'
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter made it out of the chamber.
My brother told me hates my beard. I said "Don't worry, it will grow on you"
Why aren't there any Jewish Jedis? Because they lose their Force skins :D
What's long, Jewish, and rough with your ass? Passover
"Squad goals," I said, aloud, to nobody, as two rats helped each other move an entire bagel into a hole in the subway tracks
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
What do you call a girl that goes down right after you just met? Ronda Rousey
People who process expired passports are so lazy they're always cutting corners. (Joel Dommett)
Harry Potter Pickup line. Hey babe are you parseltongued cause my snake wants to communicate!
Angela Merkel got sad when she heard that she didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize after taking in so many Syrian refugees So I offered her a tissue 
What did one orphan say to the other orphan? "ROBIN, GET IN THE BATMOBILE!"
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My N'Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I'd regret for the rest of my life.
My foot just fell asleep, I'm terrified that drunk white people will notice and start drawing moustaches and penis' on it. #ILoveYallReally
Whats the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team? A tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
No Amazon, I don't want to sort stuff by "Price: High to Low," who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The sweater you left is in the closet. just like you.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it's over.
There's a steering wheel in my pants It's driving me nuts
It must be tough for a woman going through her OKCupid messages finding a good one... It's like finding a needle in a hey-stack.
Congratulations on "obtaining" your yellow belt. If we're ever attacked by 3 pieces of wood being held together, you're in charge.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping? Cop2: should we go help? Cop1: No it's ok he woke up. This fall on CBS "Good Cop, Dad Cop"
Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight
What does sex have in common with a savings account? You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
Virginity is not dignity, but lack of opportunity.
Dark jokes are like food... Only some people get it.
[first date] Him: Why are you being so distant? Me: Why didn't you order a side of guacamole?
this harambe joke is getting too long already... ...can't someone just kill it?
My girlfriend's not pregnant! Edit: I have to apologize... the pregnancy test came back false *negative*... she is pregnant.
"She's not THAT pretty." is girl code for "She's so pretty and I hate her."
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
The other day I tweeted about a married black woman hitting on me #blackwivesflatter
a man goes to a crowded church walks up to the only available seat and says "is this seat *SAVED*?
So a guy walks INTO a bar So a guy walks into a bar and says " ow."
I was going to tell a time travel joke... But I already told it.
Batman: "Shall we watch a film?" Superman: "Have you got Cape Fear?" Batman: "Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?"
I told my girlfriend her bond villain nickname is Winter Snow... Because she is so flakey I then called her Nigerian Prince for not delivering on her promises. True story
I've been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
*Takes drive down memory lane *Gets a DUI
How do you know that your gynecologist is nearsighted? His nose is wet.
3 men walk into a bar... ...and the fourth one ducks.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I believe hell approves of this joke How do you circumcise a catholic priest? Kick the choir boy in the chin.
What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit? Her last one
My four levels of drunk: 1. Bouncy 2. Slide-y 3. Slurry 4. Turtle stuck on its back
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Incest: The Boardgame Fun for the whole family!
Why does Tyler Perry put his name on everything he makes? So you know what shows *not* to watch.
Why didn't the math professor with a speech impediment get any work done? He was always mathturbating.
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Sometimes I get down on my knees and pray for a pigeon to fly directly into my mouth
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leopard!
Did you hear the creator of spaghetti died? He pasta way
My wife says I'm addicted to generalizations but isn't everyone some kind of addict?
You know what I call drowsy driving? Multitasking.
What did one snowman say the the other? Smells like carrots.
Anyone have a lot of unused pregnancy tests? Hate to see all this pee go to waste.
What's the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally
What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake? I've been really stressed out lately, I know it's not your fault, but please stop cracking jokes about me
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications: 1) Open Facebook app 2) Go to Settings 3) Throw your phone into a river
Why are jews not creative? Because they can't think outside the BOX.
I ordered some glue online but it hasn't arrived yet Must have gotten stuck in the post.
Why wasn't Boy George any good at English? because he always put 5 commas before chameleon.
Why didn't the mentally challenged kid finish his math test in time? Because he was too slow.
Do you know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Q: Why was a blind man's leg wet? A: Her dog was blind too.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? A: They take off their makeup.
[1st Date] Her: I've had a hysterectomy Him: I've had a vasectomy Her: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Him: You gonna eat those fries?
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30%of their ice cream.
What did the cave woman use as a dildo? A fucking rock
Why did Hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill.
What do you call a hard working midget? A little elbow grease ^just ^thought ^of ^this ^one
Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.
"ARE YOU IN THERE LOOKING AT GUYS STARING AT THEIR COMPUTERS AGAIN?!?!" - porn's parents
Why isn't the speed of light Asian? Because it never gets better than a 'C'.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Taste
What do they call a dog in Iraq? A Shia pet. *friend of mine came up with this and was pretty proud of himself
There is a order to the universe: space, time, and Chuck Norris...just kidding Chuck Norris is the first
If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims
My chemistry teacher went on a camping trip and died... He was exposed to the elements.
What did the new KKK member say during his training? "Hey, I'm getting the hang of it!"
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums." "Erm...what?" she asked. I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i'm having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Did you hear about the upcoming play based on the life of Elton John? It's a little bit funny.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
Why don't crabs give to charities? They are shellfish.
sometimes i watch online videos where people are so happy to see each other they make love naked
A man walks into a doctors office A man walks into a doctors office and says Man: "Doctor, Doctor! I have 5 penises!!" Doctor: "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?!" Man: "Like a glove."
Don't tell me you're coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at "the wake" or whatever
Had an idea for a Scrabble like game where you can only use racial slurs as words. The object is to see who can out trump who.
When and why did the yam farmer get up? For a yam.
Whats a joke so bad its funny? I just want some really hillarious jokes, preferably long ones
Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song
Why was the lesbian mermaid fired from the bakery? She was eating all the muff-fins.
Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: 'Why am I talking to myself?'
Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.
Frenchman in a hotel. A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper". "Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist. "Toilet pepper."
I don't care who you are, but if you're reading this I still don't care.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Aliens: take me to your leader Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Don't have a "Garage sale" if I can't buy your garage idiot.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation* *good cop is nice to the suspect* *bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free* man he's a bad cop
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapus
Computers are like old testament gods. Lots of rules and no mercy. Not mine, got it somewhere on the internet.
I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.
How can a male get a maid for free? He gets married.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went... Then it dawned on me.
What do you call a pile of cats? A MEOWntain! Thank you.
What is the greatest joke in the world? My life. My life is a joke.
What did the Alaska Native's girlfriend say when she broke up with him? *"I'm just not that Inuit."*
Guitar players are actually quite a religious bunch... They've all found Gsus at some point.
Why did Thor file a police report? Because someone stole his thunder.
I met a guy who cross-bred insects... ...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.
What do you call a bunch of blondes waiting in line for meat? A barbie queue.
Why don't ghosts have legs? Because they're so white the can't dance.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there's only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album. Don't be an enabler. Drop the phone.
What do you want on your tombstone? pepperoni and cheese....
I was told I needed to do some soul searching... so I Googled James Brown.
I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."
Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives? Crimea River
When a cashier thanks you for your purchase, unsettle them by looking deep in their eyes and softly saying, "Anything for a friend."
What did the blind man say when he passed by the fish shop? Hello ladies
Why did Jesus get pulled over for drunk driving? He had a blood alcohol content of 12.00%. It's made of wine, after all.
Yo mama is like an Arcade Machine ... put the quarters in the Pussy and play with the titties
What is green, fuzzy and very deadly if it falls on you out of a tree? A pool table.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they're useful messages. Like "remember you have yoga at 6 tonight"
I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
The waiter asked if I wanted any salt for my steak... I told him to pepper my angus ;)
Who would rule in a dog world ? The pawlice.
Let's hope the zombie apocalypse doesn't start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those fuckers.
Want to hear a joke? Windows vista
Had to check IMDB to make sure there really aren't any more Shrek films in development. Now I can sleep.
My grandpa believes he is best friends with Freud. But I keep telling him he is just a Sigmund of his imagination.
I'm allergic to chickpeas. Any time I eat them I falafel.
Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?
Whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe? (first ever post in a year on reddit!) One has hydraulics and the other high bollocks! Brilliantly told by my Irish cousin.
What do you call a hippopotamus wearing Tie Dye? ... A hippiepotamus
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
I speak fluent hint. - No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[bedroom] TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I'd never cheat on you. TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay....hey, when did we get that wardrobe?
What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down? A brunette with bad breath.
what's the difference between a my girlfriend and a voice activated sink? One gets turned on and all wet when I speak to it. The other is a voice activated sink.
What are Islamic extremists favourite drink? Smirnoff Isis
We are all Asian We are all older than we were yesterday.
Hitler wasn't a very athletic man. He never even finished a single race.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat? She can use your wifes clothes
If I ever became invisible, I'd kick fuck out of a mime Imagine the round of applause he'd get
How many Russians does it take to elect the President of the United States? Just Trump.
Two mexicans are playing Call Of Duty... It was A Juan v. Juan match.
Did you hear about the stupid  photographer? He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
There are 2 hamsters in the airing cupboard, which one is from the Army? A: The one on the tank
What do we want? Apathy! When do we want it? Oh, you know, whenever.
Golfer: "Well I have never played this badly before! Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before sir."
What is the difference between a blonde and a blonde dude? The blonde has a higher sperm count.
*standing behind home plate* -Beware of my dog-like reflexes. -Shouldn't it be cat-like reflexes? *catches baseball with my face*
Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
I could die But I'm afraid of the reapercussions
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally washed his wallet? He was arrested for money laundering
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate? Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I decided to be vegan! Until I realized that it was a missed steak
What do you call a pimp with his whores? A guard and hoes.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
What did the Korean family call their dog? Stu
"PIZZA" IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM... P - PLEASUREFUL I - INTERESTING Z - CANT THINK OF ONE Z - CANT THINK OF ONE A - "AGG"-CELLENT
Booze Cruise I'm not afraid to die, I'm just afraid of how I'm going to die. I wanna go like my grandpa, In his sleep, not like his other 4 screaming passengers.
Why did the man get a job as a horse handler? He wanted stable employment
My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up
Are you sure? Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes," the first says, "I'm positive."
What's the difference between a snow-man and a snow-woman Snowballs
How many Pao's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fuck you.
What do you get when you do laundry and accidentally leave chocolate in your pocket? Lindt choclate.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry.
A 90 year old man used to tell me this same joke every time I saw him. I went to the Dr. today. He said he needed blood, semen, and fecal samples....So I gave him my underwear and walked out.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.
If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera . You attention seeking hoe
What does a proofreader have in common with a vampire? They search for type-os
I love kale... Just as long as the K is silent.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaant, dead ant
Religions are like farts... Everyone likes their own but thinks all the others stink.
Wife: Let's get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind! Me: How about a guillotine? Wife: Me: I'll be on the couch.
Ruffled feathers ahead. What do you call a woman that is never late, can actually drive a car and doesn't need help killing spiders? Bruce Jenner.
What's the downside to dating a Mermaid? Her clam smells like fish!
Black guys like thick thighs Cuz they hate apart thighs.
I love indie movies Me too, the best one is the first one with the snakes
What's the difference between Tony Abbott and a coffee machine?... One is a cold heartless machine, used by everyone... ...And the other is useful with a Cafe. Gnite folks!
For Sale: 2-in-1 Menthol Shampoo Great hairwash. Mint condition.
Are you from Memphis? Cause you look like your parents were related.
A redhead tells her blonde friend she had sex with a Brazilian while on vacation. The blonde says, "You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
How is Halloween celebrated in Kentucky? pumpkin
What's white and covers the road in the early morning? Employed people.
I told my cat she was adopted and now she's not talking to me.
Nobody questions me when I watch a NSFW video at work because I'm a porn movie editor
What did the statistician say to the hooker as he pulled out his 5.2-inch manhood? "I heard you suck a mean cock"
A black guy a Mexican and a Jew walk in to a bar The bartender says "what is this a fucking joke?"
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
my cat: *hacking up a hairball* my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms*
What did one bean say to the other? How you bean doing.
I'm pretty white but I don't know any white people jokes. Got any?
What did they say about Baghdad after they installed too many garbage cans? It was Bin Laden
Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain Since the Titanic!
I bet even Kanye West occasionally looks in the mirror and thinks "That was kind of silly, what I just did."
When one of my friends told me he was in a sexual relationship with a space rock... I had no comet.
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Q: Why do blondes drive VWs? A: Because they can spell it.
The letter Q is an O smoking a cig and is therefore extremely cool
Gross I like my pussy like I like my steak... Pink and bloody. I'm so sorry. My friends are twisted.
What's blue and smells like red paint? Just guess. BLUE PAINT.
Bumper stickers are how we tell people we only had $1.50 to spend on a belief system.
Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely. Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks. Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms? Me: Ohh!
Who is Reddits favrite musician? Mack-Le-More!!!!!!
how was copper wire invented? 2 jews found the same penny
The United States has fallen into disrepair, due to a great catastrophe... ...they say it was called: "The 2016 Presidential Election Season"
Why is the new Star Wars film called Rogue One? Because it's a rogue film - a Star Wars prequel that won't be complete shit.
How do you comfort a grammar Nazi? There,They're,Their . . .
Why was the russian airforce less superior than their enemies? Cause their airplanes kept STALIN!! (Ill see myself out...)
If you were stressed out yesterday Does that make you past tense?
Me: let's try to catch snowflakes on our tongues! Wife: but we're inside.?. Me: shhhh, just close your eyes.
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
What do you call a feminist from LA? A SoCal Justice Warrior.
Q: Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Wood.
Typical mexico...
*rolls grocery cart into open house* Ooh what a lovely lamp! *puts it in cart* An iPad! *crosses iPad off shopping list* *puts it in cart*
Can you help me with this problem? X+U=25 I think X=15, because U sure are a 10.
OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS! 1. hold breath 5 mins 2. die
Nobody under the age of 23 has any recollection of life before the internet. I hope that fact makes you vomit like it did me.
Today my mum told me I wasn't an only child.... Today my mum said that I was an only child. I said, I already knew that mum seeing as dad is in jail for rape.
"Eat me," said the noun "Say what?" said the verb. "Eat me," repeated the noun, word for word. "Uhh...okay." Verbatim.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket
What did the DNA say to the mRNA? "I'm better without U."
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
When is a dog most impolite? When he points.
There are 10 types of people in the world... ...Those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't expect this joke to be in base three!
popsicle stick joke. Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
"Hey, boo" - a casual ghost
TIL Elon Musk has an evil twin that commits crimes every evening. His name is Felon Dusk.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don't spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Want to hear a joke? Youtube's Copyright System
customer: *looking at menu* what's good? me: not much what's good with you? him: ... him: ... me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.
What happens when a dick meets a hardass? Well... Fuck.
What do you call a David Bowie tribute band made up of astro-arachnologists? The Spiders from Mars :(
How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot? Perky.
A good woman is easy to find... You just have to go to the cemetery and dig one up.
Quebec lovers Why do Quebecers like to make love doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game at the same time!
Apparently, museums don't like it when you try to improve the paintings.
What do you call a group of slow extremist Muslim Dr Who fans? Tardis..... I will see myself out..
What has 4 teeth and 6 boobs? Third shift at the Waffle House.
Relationship tip: every night text yourself "Good morning love!" & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.
Releases 420 cows on the field Graze it. Jk bye
Why did a man eat a clock? He wanted to pass some time.
A man walks into a psychiatrist ...and says "Doctor, help me! Im a wigwam and a teepee!" The doctor says "Son. Sit down and relax. You're two tents."
What do Ohio and Mackerels have in common? Nothing! Ohio is the only state in the United States that's name shares no letters with the word mackerel.
What do you get if you cross Snoop Dogg with a hippo? A smokesalottapotamus Edit: [Found one in the wild.. ](http://i.imgur.com/c2Vt1sd.jpg)
Dumb Joke David: Jim, you've got to be the dumbest son of a bitch I've ever met Jim: Really? I think that's a hyperbola
I was telling a friend how Jewish people call god by another name, and he was like "No way!", and I was like... "No, seriously. They do."
if the gas station is 2 miles away.. ..and my dad's car can travel at 60mph, why hasn't he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?
The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is... ...don't talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You're welcome.
Him: What gets you hot, baby? Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent. H: Zoinks, like, there's a ghost! Let's get out of here Scoob! M: *swoons*
My Mother in law said to me: "I'll dance on your grave, when you're dead" "Good!" I said, "I'm being buried at sea."
How do you know when you're at a gay barbecue? All the hot dogs taste like shit.
I'VE GOT (( PROBLEMS AND A STUCK SHIFT KEY IS ONE.
I'm getting really tired of this shit No, seriously, I've been sitting here pushing for like 25 minutes but nothing will come out and I'm exhausted.
What do you call a nun in a wheel-chair? Virgin Mobile!
Remember ladies: when a guy says "I'm listening" what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd of been unstoppable".
Give a man a fish and he'll be like, "Dude I'm allergic to fish." TEACH a man to fish and he'll be like, "THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH"
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW] I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.
Whats a cab drivers favorite song? Livin' on a fare!
Do you know what is "Deja POO" ? It's the feeling that you've heard this crap before.
Q: What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend? A: His smellular phone!
How's banging a fat chick like riding a scooter? They're both a lot of fun until your friends catch you.
Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.
Did you know your kitchen faucet might raid your house? Let that sink in...
Why do jews have big noses? Because air is free.
How did Helen Keller's mother punish her? She left a plunger in the toilet
I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, surely it's not dangerous. He said it was distracting him.
Always been a favourite of mine. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
What do you call a train when it's eating? A Chew-Chew Train! Side note, I have cheesy jokes for days.
If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.
Why did I wear no jeans today? my supply was short.
They say talk is cheap but my last phone call cost me $2.99 per minute, billed directly to my credit card.
An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.
Why did the girl fall out of the swing? Because she didn't have arms.
If I got a dollar, for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you.
Your mom is like this joke old and overused
I refuse to dance to any song that tells me how to dance in the lyrics
College was the most expensive nap I ever took.
Why did the sperm cross the road?... Because I put on the wrong pair of socks today.
Why did the farmer take a milk bath? Because he's too tall for a milk shower.
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them into a tire and call it a goodyear
What does a deaf woman say to a premature ejaculator? Come again?
After realising that I had accidentally eaten my clone, I shat myself.
Why don't Bill Cosby's Lights Work? He required that their circuits have no resistance.
What is brown and rhymes with snoop? Poop.
What's black? What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
3 Elephants jump out of a plane, the first two hit land and the last one hits water. What sound did they make? Bum-bum tssh!
"I don't understand what this statue of a man talking is supposed to mean" "It's confusing, but I think it's a figure of speech."
Haven't tweeted lately because I'm really absorbed by this Bounty paper towel.
I made up a word today! Plagiarism.
What do America and Russia have in common? They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I asked this girl in my class for a rubber... forgot that in the U.S. they call it an eraser
A woman once said she recognized me from the vegetarian club But I'd never met herbivore.
What's the difference between a VA Nurse and a bullet? A bullet only kills once.
How is marriage and CPR training the same? You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's...That's because she changes it more often.
I Just got fired from the orange juice factory. They said I could not concentrate
you know what people with alopecia say.... you know what people with alopecia say... hair today gone tomorrow
How do you circumcise a Trump supporter? Kick his sister in the jaw.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky
I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran. She's an animal in bed.
My mother and father separated last year and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner. He's black.
Why did the worker at the M&amp;M factory get fired? ...he threw out the W's
My dream girl is basically a pizza in a mini skirt.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. No ones laughing now! :(
Teach a man about politicians Show a man politicians and he becomes interested for a day Teach a man to be a politician and he loses his spine
What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana.
What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail because it carries it's house an elephant just carries its  trunk !
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but I have no clue how they got in there.
Why does Middle Eastern civilization have no major accomplishments? .
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dre
Whatever Mom, IF THAT'S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Some guy ordered a glass of coke. I told him to take a pitcher, it'll last longer.
Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Nah, it's too cheesy.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
Why did Helen Keller mastutbate with one hand? So she could moan with the other.
I am not that kind of woman...I"m much worse.
What do you call a Jamaican with diahorrea? *Cool Runnings*
Whats the difference between a crab with big boobs and a bus station full of punks? One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer? Because she can clean her crack and sell it again
How did hipster kid hurt himself? He touched the stove before it was cool...
I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind... It came right out of the purple
Have you ever done it kitty style? It's like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.
If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
I'm really sick of my job. It's always "copy this", "print that", "you left your bra in the break room again."
See these teardrop tattoos? I got one for every time I cried in jail.
Im sat here looking at my glass half empty..... Everyone is telling me that I should look at my glass half full, but i just want to know, WHO THE FUCK DRANK MY DRINK
What do you say to a redhead who has just been insulted? Aw-burn!
What's the best thing to put into a pie Your teeth.
When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make? Guac!
So I asked my North Korean frien how is life was going. He said "can't complain"
What's the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.
A friend of mine is going to cosmetology school... I told her all the tests will be make-up exams.
Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they'll age, and most of them you regret creating.
Where's my cell? "Right there." That's not my phone. "Yes it is. I cleaned it!" My cell's white?
Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles
You Suck Originally I had hope and dreams of becoming somebody but thanks to you and the society we live in it's never going to happen
What's a hipsters favorite season? Summer, they like it before it's cool
What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend? A Guantanamo Bae Thought of this one earlier and just had to share
I painted my computer black hoping it would run faster, but now it just doesn't work.
On the way to school... tl;dr
At the office, my colleague had her computer on with an unsaved document. I looked at her in the eyes and told her I'd tap that s with control.
Why did the baker go to work? He kneaded the dough!
What's the only living organ in a corpse? This dick.
NASA was planning on building a restaurant on the moon They cancelled because they figured it wouldn't have any atmosphere.
What's the difference between a Black man and a park bench? A Black man is a sentient creature.
If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..
Is that really your rectal temperature? Nah, I just pulled it out of my ass.
What do you call an incredibly flexible chicken with an alien wristwatch? Bent Hen.
Is there a Hallmark card for "I think it's time we try anal"? There should be.
I wanted to fold the toilet paper and use it again... but felt that it was too tainted
Nigerian people is the best in the world. One of them offered me 1 million dollar via email this morning in just exchange for $100.
The best joke about clickbait ever
What do you call your female friend with tiny breasts? Your flatmate
What do you call black men working while white men watch? Slav-The NBA
My E! True Hollywood Story would just be me trying to open a soy sauce packet.
Dang I didn't make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
When does a guy turn into a gay? When something's bent on top of U
[OC] What do you call a Latino on a bike? Juan less car (one less car)
Joke stealing is not a laughing matter That's why I don't steal unfunny jokes.
Nothing kills a good party buzz like the paramedics showing up and acting like drama queens.
God wasn't trying to get Marry pregnant with Jesus. Turns out he was wearing a holey condom.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Strange that the Bible has no bibliography.
I tried changing my password to "brazildefense" but Reddit said it was too weak hope you find it funny!
What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most? A space bar.
I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"
You know what really gets my goat? The Chupacabra
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don't know enough about you to finish this joke.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it's my husband.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 kept blowing up and starting on fire
If one quits quitting... Are they still a quitter?
When you complain about dropping your phone remember that there are people who are starving who'll totally make you another one.
There is never an excuse to use a contract killer Always pay-as-you-go.
My favourite thing about Pedophilia jokes... Is that they never get old!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Rick Santorum drops out and throws his support to Ted Cruz Thanks for nothing!
Why do psychics ask questions?
Having to get just a cucumber at the store can be awkward. Especially if you panic & say, "It's not what you think, it just for a salad."
Engraved on a hypochondriac's tombstone... See, I told you I was sick.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister] me: so...did you like the movie? caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
Did you hear the new broom joke? It's sweeping the nation!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Our family's annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I'm stringing the lights wrong.
I walked in on my best friend Larry banging my wife. I said "Larry, I gotta', but you?"
Did you guys hear about the joke about the high wall? It's so funny, I'm still trying to get over it.
Why did the cop climb the tree? He worked for a special branch.
No, I don't hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.
What is the one thing you can't say even on the internet? [removed]
I recently saw a documentary on different types of stationery throughout history. It was on paper-view.
People with private Twitter accounts should know that withholding their tweets is like not letting us talk to their toddler on the phone.
Are we as a society going to reject clickbait journalism? The answer may surprise you!
A joke a statistics prof once told me... The average American has one testicle and one ovary.
What is the best thing to do with lots of Dutch cheeses? Edam...
What was the name of the hog who was knighted by  King Arthur? Sir Lunchalot.
What dog rides a horse named Macaroni? Yankee poodle!
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
All my friends say that I'm a psychopath. That's not true, I don't have any friends.
We have a 9th planet and it's chill Netlixand chill... sorry idk
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
The word resume has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we're left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
What did the woman from Finland say after seeing an old man fall in the water, knowing he couldn't swim? "Oh no, Helsinki! He Finnish!"
If a transvestite goes missing... Should we put their picture on a carton of half and half?
My brother told me I have the body of a god. Buddha!
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal. It's cheese, dude. We'll be here a while.
I love telling jokes... But I always punch up the fuck line. Shit!
I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks.
Teacher to Student: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
I've seen Han Solo land the Millennium Falcon on an asteroid, I'm sure he can handle landing a plane on a golf course.
The Da Vinci Code talks a lot about it Jesus had a child... But what about the second cuming?
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic... But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I'm in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I'm sitting on the couch.
What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
What's the hardest part about eating your vegetables? Digesting the wheelchair.
i've got a pilot's licence... and i'm not giving it back to him. luckily he's too drunk to notice.
A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"
I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality... ...but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
I got free admission for life at SeaWorld For being an Orca Whale.
Why do female zombies have such a terrible sex life? Because whenever they shout, "I want you inside me." all of the guys run away.
It's 2016, I don't need to set my clocks back manually I just have my Negro James do it for me.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Jesus walks into a bar "Just 12 waters please", while winking at his disciples.
I was going to buy some Veet wax strips, but then i realized they were a rip-off
My Son is a porn star... ...I had to have my wife arrested.
So far, too much day and too little hump.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. They're an efficient people, but not very funny.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
If you are charged with possession of marijuana Is it called joint custody?
Those glasses really do make you look more dignified. Respectacles
Which gun does Superman use? SCAR-L
What's the Vatican City's favorite snack? popecorn
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all of the other prescription drugs.
What's the difference between arguing with a girl and arguing with a knife? The knife has a point
What do you call a terrorist in the North Pole? An ISISicle!
Why'd they call the egg a pimp? Because he got ova easy.
Why did the boxer date the pretty girl? Because  she was a knockout!
Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains? A: So they know where to stop shaving.
I read an article about how much college will cost in 20 years so I'm scraping some paint chips off the house for my daughter to snack on.
whats the best thing about metal clothes pegs? I've no idea, you'll have to ask the wife.
Made a meal out of an old recipe book today. Just tasted like paper really .
Where do all the funny people hang out at a party? In the punch line
*feels the music* Music: "ew. no."
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Pancake Day ... Has has really creped up on me this year
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.
"Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks." *hits tree with axe* " Take me for example. I just hate trees."
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? Both looking for a tight seal.
A Chinese Couple are having Sex ... The Husband says ; "Oh i really fancy a 69 love, you up for it?" The wife replies "why you want beef and broccoli now !"
Pee your name in the snow and you'll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
creating an app called Friends With Pools. It's exactly what you think it is.
What do you do with 100 peaches? You eat what you can, and you can, what you can't.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is a watermelon.
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball? You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
There's no easy way to say this..... She sells sea shells on the sea shore, the shells that she sells are sea shells for sure.
Did you hear about the Mexican man who went to the old people home to visit his grandpa? See senior.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room... He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".
How many babies can fit in a blender? Depends how powerful the blender is
The reason I hate my girlfriend a vegan She doesn't like to eat meat if you know what I mean.
Why are artists the only guys who can sleep with comedians? Because drawing is the only way to make a comic strip.
Clearly Cheating A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody nose.
What's the name of the Iraqi basketball team? Alley-oop Akbar
Did you hear about the recent kidnapping? It's okay, she woke up.
On dating sites, some of the options for 'body type' should be, 'Vending machine', 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in garbage bag'.
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
Why does Santa Clause have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
What do you call a dog with wings? Linda McCartney Today's TIL reminded me.
A lawyer walks into a bar... exam. I just thought of this one. Not sure if I'm the first.
I have just seen a load of dyslexic africans. They were laying flowers at nissan maindealers.
A bear is asking a rabbit a question "Don't you have problems with shit sticking on your smooth fur?" Rabbit goes : Naaah, I don't have a problem with that. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Why did god give women legs? Have you ever seen the trail a snail leaves?
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
If Nefertiti owned a topless bar which served tea she could have marketed her business with t-shirts. You could call them 'Nefertiti's titties, tease, teas, and tees.' Edit: better grammar/phrasing.
How did the homeless handicap child die? Alone
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[Gets Twitter error: "Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong"] I know Twitter, I know. That's why I'm here.
What do Muslim children color with? A Quran
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
if a picture's worth a thousand words, the people posting photos on twitter are going over by 860 characters
What do you call a chinese woman with a food processor on her head? Brenda.
Do robots have sisters ? No just transistors !
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it's space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Took my date to Star Wars and dinner... to make sure BB-8.
"I don't know, do you guys really think the first rule should be 'Must Wash Hands?'" early brainstorming session on Fight Club script.
Why was the blond staring at a carton of orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you'll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
21 ways to piss off the mods on this sub [removed]
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
What did one lesbian vampire say the other? See ya next month ;)
How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
Why Did John Lennon Get shot? Yoko Ducked
My girlfriend told me she enjoys sex more while on holiday. I tell you that was an awkward postcard to receive
What do post-impressionist painters sing when painting a Frozen landscape? Let it Gogh!
I caught my neighbor putting a layer of topsoil on my allotment The plot thickened
What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house? All white, all white, all white...
19 and 20 got in a fight. 21.
I have trouble ending small talk. Some guy I started talking to in 1998 on a bus is still talking to me. His name is Gary. He hates rain.
Ladies & gentleman this is ur captain speaking. I havent seen the new Star Wars yet. If I hear u discussing spoilers I will crash this plane
I keep having hallucinations of pickles. My therapist says I'm dillusional.
What do you call a Hawaiian homosexual? A tropical fruit.
"Sure it's a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I'm doing. Open wide." *opens wide* "Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth"
Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles home.' Ghost: Why don't you take a train? Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.
I was reading a newspaper, and the headline said,"America is without a leader!" I said,"That's unpresidented!"
Do stoners just call it a five? Do native American Indians just ask 'Are you?' after greeting someone? Do Canadians buy smaller batteries by accident, eh?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with "Ok, don't freak out but..."
Elton John was asked if he'd like an iceberg lettuce in his salad he thought for a moment and replied "no thanks, I'm a rocket man"
What do you call a redneck orgy? A family reunion.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it's just hurtful. I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb? Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.
God: You'll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30 [Later] Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Why did the Mexican cross the road? Because there isn't a fucking wall in the way
The difference between BLM and the KKK? Honestly, it's black and white.
*reads your mind* *decides to wait for the movie*
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an altar boy
What do you call a guy who likes telling "dad jokes"? A "groan" man...
Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff? Because he wants tequila. Literally.
Two young men walk into a bar I dont know what happened then I was outside
Everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while.
What do you call an Italian guy wearing a flourescent track suit? A DayGlo Dago
Michael Bay looks like if cocaine was a person.
Hey TV producers! Create a show for white people called "Brunch Wars". You're welcome.
My internet went out today so I went downstairs and talked to my family They seem like nice people.
How do you spot a joke without a punchline?
Hey, Chefs, you're making food. Not curing AIDS, Cancer or defusing a bomb. Settle the fuck down.
"Most of Refugees are Doctors and Engineers" -Barack Obama Thats right, they are all gynecologists
What's so good about being Swiss? Well, the flag is a big plus.
What does a gay horse eat for dinner? Haaaayyyyyyy
Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit
A man walks into a strop club and asks how much it costs to come inside. The man at the door says "it's going to cost at least 1000 dollars to cum inside sir"
Have you ever had sex with a comedian? It's a fucking joke.
What's the difference between Trump and a pile of poop? A pile of poop is naturally brown.
Which country has many spaces to put your car in? Park-istan!
I walked into a bar once... and it fuckin hurt.
<-----Will never confess the actual number of house cats he's forced outdoors when the owner wasn't looking
What happened to Frankenstein's stupid son?  He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent contributor to Madame Tussaud's.
I had to break up with my Chinese girlfriend... An hour after eating her, I was horny again.
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? "We used to be really tight until you let that dick come between us."
[office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y'all lookin' at me?
Two gay men walk into a church. And they walk out as a married couple :) congratulations America
I remember when [person x] was just *this* big (hold hand at knee level)... Then as I got closer I realized it was a matter of perspective.
Let me clarify that I am not racist. We have a black in my family tree. We just haven't cut him down yet.
As a guy in the porn industry... I work hard.
I found out I was can't wear latex condoms They give me an allergic erection
If you watch Jeopardy backwards... ... it becomes a show where people pay money to ask questions.
we're going to have a president named jeb. president jeb.
What does an aging Mafia boss do for his birthday? Forget about it.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I love to build things... I love hammering, I love sawing, and I love sanding. But drilling is just plain boring.
Why can't Asians make white babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white
A high-dea supported by evidence... Is called a High-pot-thesis
What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick? Put it on my bill.
Conductor this bus was very slow! Oh I expect we'll pick up speed now you're getting off!
What do you call a fat man in a bath ? Tubby.
I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times I think it's a gag reflex.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag! Me: *sets bag on fire*
Thank you Facebook for putting everyone's Facebook page link on their Facebook page. I would have never found their page without it.
What are Mario and Luigi's overalls made of? Denim, denim, denim.
My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What's that? Ouch!
Why did the zombie get a gym membership? Gaaaainsss
What would Donald Trump do if he doesn't win the election? He'll start his own brand of "Government"
What is the sexiest type of dolphin? A striped tease dolphin.
What do you call a superhero-duo run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I'm now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The average person has sex 103 times a year and it's almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl? The Prophet Muhammad.
A woman asked a female doctor if she had aids ... "Yes, I do. They're busy now, but they'll be with you shortly."
concerned about people posting false lunches. lying about the food they ate on here. fraud meals. please start putting the receipts up
Your first mistake was wearing heels in this dodgeball tournament, Jason. The second was thinking that they went with that dress.
I get nervous about DM's asking if it's me in video because: 1. I drink. 2. I sometimes dance when drunk. 3. I'm always white when I dance.
Look, I've been following you for the last three doors you've opened. I'm not saying thank you again.
Why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didn't? The dime had more cents.
Why did peasants hate knights' outfits? Because everyone hates chain mail.
What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where to put the cucumber.
Have any of you heard back from D yet? DEEZ NUTZ HAHA GOT EM
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ahmed ! Ahmed who ? Ahmed a big mistake coming here !
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Bush Senior broke his neck He was trying to show Jeb Bush how to dodge wrenches, hey Jeb if George can dog a shoe then I can dog wrench!
I just got into an argument with Mrs. Fields She was one tough cookie
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it's rude to point???
My boss was honest with me today as we walked into a bar He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.
From my 7yo: "Why did the moon marry the sun?" Because the sun is hott.
Christmas Jokes (I know it's a bit late) Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naught girls live! What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snow balls
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from "The Walking Dead."
I ran over some flowers when I was mowing today Whoopsy-daisy!
Why do men give their penises names? Because they don't want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.
If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive... They would eventually find me attractive
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad... Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it...
What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat.
Sharks are just dolphins who went to the military.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.
What do you call a Muslim flying an airplane? A pilot you racist freaks!
What's the one thing a mechanic can't fix? Stupid
[front of card] No one will find your body [open card] as attractive as I do [back of card] lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
What's 8 inches long, rock hard and full of sperm The sock under my bed
guests ask for my wifi password, so I made "What is wifi?" my password cuz I'm real into that "who's on first" bit
What did the SS officer say after having his eye shot out? I can nazi.
What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller.
Mah friend asked me if i wanna know the opposite of Han I said "nah"
Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!
"Everyday I'm shoveling" - Canadians Theme Song.
The basics of male masturbation Are easy to grasp.
I wanted to make a joke about quantum physics, but I wasn't sure if I should. So I did and didn't.
Proof that Jesus and his disciples were all Mexicans... It says in the Bible that they all traveled in one accord!
If Charmin had any idea where I was sticking their toilet paper, I doubt they'd spend so much time on the pretty little designs.
Beastie Boys is putting out another album! Update: It's been cancelled due to sabotage.
"The garbage needs to go out. It's full of candy wrappers." "Is Eminem in there?"
A Texas woman found a snake head in a bag of green beans. Meaning someone will be finding a bean in their bag of snake heads.
All the guys complaining about my thighs touching each other... If you were this close to my vagina you'd be touching yourself too.
One good way to prepare for marriage is to have someone come over and critique the way you load the dishwasher.
I don't know why I still tell "just the tip" jokes. I'm not even that into them.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100 ME: 100..99..98 ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what? ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I wish I was in better shape but I also wish I could fast-forward this pizza tracker.
Outsize Clothes-buying by Ellie Fant
Never laughed so hard before watch:D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVYS0bbB70s&amp;list=UUL8eY2HmvEDEFvKE3SCL9vw
.@Oprah If I were as rich as you I'd shit on the floor & tell a senator to pick it up.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You're Welcome..
If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen. He could have been protected from harmful rays.
What was the slutty nurse looking for in October? A Hallowiener.
What do you call two identical boobs? Identitties.
The toy inside my McDonald's Apathy Meal is just a lump of gray plastic and an instruction sheet that says "Whatever. This job sucks."
Cashier: what's with all the pineapple juice? Me: *winks* -Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
What type of person does cocaine after taking a shot? A linebacker I came up with this on the toilet... Hope it's not old.
The best advice my parents ever gave me was not to push too hard because that's how Elvis died.
What do you call the hair of a centaur? Humane.
My psychologist and psychiatrist don't agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it's like to have people fighting over me.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried & then she hugged me.
What do you call it when a snake can't perform sexually? Ereptile dysfunction
Some people say Steve Jobs died to early... but I'd say its an appropriate metaphor for his companies policy on battery life
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!
What's the similarity between a smart employee and a perfect volleyball hit? They're both fine assets!
The Three Rs of Reddit Repost, reuse,recycle.
What's the difference between oral sex and Anal sex? Oral sex will make your day, but Anal sex will make your hole week!
Did you hear about the court ruling on the grammar Nazi who did the double-murder? He got a compound sentence.
What do you call a robber who looks like David Beckham? Bandit like Beckham
Why do Donald Trump's hands seem to act erratically and sometimes seem to stop where they are at the worst times? He suffers from low-handwidth...
I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.
I'd offer to help with your website... ...but it's not really my domain.
Expected delivery while I was out so left courier a note saying "Please leave with neighbour". I've just seen them heading off together.
What do you call fapping to dubstep? Wubbing one out.
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who know code, and those who don't.
What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother? HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
What do you call a black persons toe? Ghetto
[Meta] A word on 9/11 jokes.
Whats Orange and bad for your teeth? ... a brick
So Scooby Doo mixes Ruthenium Hydrogen together with alcohol.. RuH-ROH.
What do you call an Egyptian bone-setter? Cairo-practor.
If you burn a cookie in the shape of a Star Wars character... ...is it crunchy or Chewie?
I told the cop I was an upstanding citizen But I was really lying
Wife And Husband Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I took my Biology exam last Friday I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.
How did ISIS do on their French test? They bombed it...
Never propose to a girl who is a professional fighter. If the engagement is canceled, she isn't leaving the ring.
One day Joaquin Phoenix will be bitten by a zombie... ...and he will be called the Joaquin Dead
[Sea fishing] Me: This is fun. [Deep sea fishing] Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it's not fish they're after.
I love Halloween It's the only time of the year I'm not questioned for giving out sweets to small children.
I took my BMW to the mechanic today after a strange light came on. I asked him what it was, as I've never seen it before. Apparently it was called an indicator, does anyone know what it's for?
If towels told jokes... They'd probably have a very dry sense of humor.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
I painted my computer black... thinking it would run faster but it just stopped working
Anyone who can tell if they're speeding up or slowing down a ceiling fan on the first try is a wizard and should not be trusted.
I like my coffee how I like my slaves... Free.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant* Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Yo momma is so fat and old... When she farted it created the universe
I hate it when the used car salesman is just a car wearing a suit.
BAD COP: Throw the book at him. GOODREADS COP: OK! Check out Ruby, the beautiful and devastating debut novel by Cynthia Bond. 12
Jack is coming over. "Jack from work or Jack and the..." [a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Have you ever answered your own question? Why yes, I have!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? fish.
I already have a date for Valentine's Day February 14th
FYI - so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My wife told me she thought the clone troopers were kinda hot I told her she might have a Fettish.
As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers... So I have. She's 25 and her name is Candy.
Pizza. It's what separates us from the animals.
Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do
Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole "man's best friend" thing.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I'm drunk?
A corgi walks into a bar Bartender: what can I ge... Corgi: I'll have a jack and coke Bartender: why the short paws?
My friend is afraid of fruit. So I told him to grow a pear.
Why are Nazis so good at math? They always come up with the final solution.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye Doyouthinkhesawus. What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes Dontthinkhesawus.
Crap happens Called in sick to work cause I had a stomach ache and felt constipated. Got fired. Couldn't give a crap even if I wanted to.
What are the two main differences between a Chihuahua and a German shepherd? 1. Spelling 2. Pronunciation
Hello sir, I'm from your internet provider. You recently said that "homosexuality is wrong", so we've blocked you from seeing lesbian porn.
*sees baby* *feels sad that my kids aren't babies anymore* *sees look of exhausted despair in baby's parents eyes* *sadness evaporates*
A tearful Ray Romano raises the gun to his temple. 'not everybody' he whispers 'not everybody'
Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack mainly because their hearts are already broken
I was tickling my brothers feet last night, when my mum woke up and asked me to stop. Apparently I should wait until he is born.
Who makes the most money from Father's Day? My psychologist.
Tummy REALLY hurts. I guess that's what I get for being extra careful of diseases! (Coating all foods/drinks in Purell)
Why was the salt upset. Because his best friend went to join the peperami.
me *sneezes* cw: Bless you me *sneezes* cw: Allergies? [flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to] me: Yeah, I guess so
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Why was Lindsay Lohan feeling sleepy? He was buying drinks.
If you gave Captain Crunch a blowjob, would the roof of your mouth get all scratched up?
What kind of blood does a born loser have? Typo
What did the popular astrophysicist's father say to him after his cleat came undone at soccer practice? "Kneel in the grass and tie, son."
A rapist, a con-artist and a fascist walk into a bar... The bartender says 'What'll it be Mr President?'
What do you call a Muslim optician who doesn't give a fuck about his patients? Asif Eyecare
I like my women like I like my steak pink in the middle but not bleeding.
What's the difference between a Jew and Jewels? Jewels have 3 extra letters.
I've been busy. What are we unnecessarily outraged about now?
How can you tell when an idiot's depressed? Go stand in front of a mirror
Why couldn't Jesus waterski? Because he never existed.
My public masturbation was going smoothly until.. ..I got off on a tan gent
1. Rage against the machine. 2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in. 3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit
shaggy: hey scoob where's my burger scooby: ruh roh shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know scooby: ruck roo
Strings are usually pretty straight Unless they're knot
What do ya call it when a lizard goes completely limp? A reptile-dysfunction.
Q: Why does Father Time wear bandages? A: Because day breaks and night falls.
"Can I axe you something?" is actually grammatically correct, if you're a polite lumberjack
she told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... so I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth.
Turns out Danny Devito isn't so short after all... ...just found out the figurines on his parents' wedding cake were actual size.
Sorry, I can't take your call right now, I'm all tied up. -submissive's answering machine.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Neighbor A combination of horse and pig
"Were dining on the finest china tonight" A Chinese man then walks in and lays down on your table
A man walks into a bar... "ouch"
What do you call 16 white American people? A full blooded Cherokee
I'm here to tell you the truth about Trump voters! [deluded]
My mother taught me about reverse osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."
*Giving TED talk* Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair! *he does and a mousetrap snaps* Me: trust no one *audience claps*
why didn't the rabbit like his beer? not enough hops
If you hold the door open for me when I'm more than ten feet away, you aren't doing me a favor. You're making me exercise.
What would a video game about an abortion nurse be called? Womb raider
Why is Ariana Grande called Ariana Grande? She is only 5 feet tall. Shouldn't she be called Ariana Petite?
A Riddle: Where did the apple go when it's parents died? Answer: To a Bananas foster home.
Why can't ducks tell jokes when they fly? Cause they would quack up.
What do you call a legless nun? Virgin immobile. Loosely based off the nun in a wheelchair joke.
I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.
Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon? Coach: Me: Coach: Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn't you?
I would complain about the siren of an ambulance even if I was in the back of it.
Why did the blonde crawl over the glass wall? Because she wanted to see whats on the other side.
My favorite new social app is turning off my phone.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
How do you circumcise a guy in Alabama? You kick her sister in the chin!
What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus? An Octopussy.
I like my women like I like my golf score Mid eighties and with slight handicap.
I'll push a loaded grocery cart around for 45 minutes -- but I WILL NOT spend 5 seconds pushing an empty one back to the return area!
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. We need to stop this woman.
This homeless guy asked me for money, I was like "I don't think so, not with that ugly voice"
A line to use on Polish people You must be a magnetic Pole because I'm attracted to you.
Pac-Man What should you do before you criticize Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes.
*pretending to talk on my phone so I don't look like a loser standing by myself* -Haha yea dude last night was craz- *phone starts ringing*
My friend and I decided to race our Ford Pintos. Mine broke down three miles down the road. I had to walk the rest of the way. I won.
How do you find the richest man in Mexico Throw a penny and see who catches it
What did the bean say to the other bean? How have you been?
I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.
What do you call a guy who can't get a word in edgewise during an argument? A "moderator", apparently.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
A joke my physics teacher told us Student: "Did you get a haircut?" Teacher: "No I got them all cut."
Half the time, I just want to respond to an ELI5 thread with "I'll tell you when you're older."
GOD: I designed this world with a purpose, why did u change everything PEOPLE: We [pug walks by] GOD: What...the HELL...is that
My neighbor is constantly whining about her small breasts. I think she's being a little too melondramatic
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just... not Yeti.
How do you think the whole Deflategate situation feels to Tom Brady now? Probably doesn't feel how he prefers it to...
What is the warmest organ in the female body after she dies? The dick
What did the constipated mathematician do... ...worked it out with a pencil
What the opposite of progress? Congress
How do you put out a maxipad fire? You tampon it.
I knew she'd been working at the foundry... because I smelter.
A friend of mine just got fired from his job as a butcher. Apparently he was offal.
I read in the 1930's teething babies were given cocaine. Ridiculous! If they had tooth ache they probably didn't even want to party.
My brother & I've competed for title of family black sheep for yrs. He checked in at a strip-club...on FB. Well played brother, well played
Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.
I had a step ladder... ...but I've never met my 'real' ladder.
kind of weird we punch the shit out of doors to announce our arrival at someone's home
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend. Step 2) Text "Medusa's excited to meet you." Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
What do you call a special agent in a washing up bottle!? Ha bubble 0 7
Could not decide how much lettuce to buy, until I got a second opinion two heads are better than one.
What does a Jewish man attacking Pearl Harbour say? Torah! Torah! Torah!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To say hello to the other side.
I'm suprised that there aren't more fat lesbians... All they ever talk about is eating out.
I'd have to say, on a scale from 1 to Pee... urinate
What kind of undergarments do mermaids wear? An algebra
What do a country singer and combination of and SNL character and Jewish Comedian have in common)? Both would be called Garth Brooks.
"Hey Evolution, what the fuck?" - Platypus
What did the man say after his wife was dragged off the beach by a seal? Welp, seal ate her.
whats the difference between cancer and black people? cancer got jobs. (too soon.)
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's a military secret.
Did you hear about Divorced Barbie? It comes with all of Ken's stuff. stolen from /u/LazzzyButtons
The One-Step Guide To Be A Hipster 1. Don't follow this guide.
The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
How do you start a rave in Africa? Glue toast to the ceiling. (Apologies if repost, I found it funny and wanted to share it with you guys. Have a great day! :D )
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and  dissapeared.
How is an NBA photographer like a Trump supporter? They both want to shoot black people.
What do they have for lunch at Monster School? Human beans boiled legs pickled bunions and eyes-cream.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
What do you call a midget that does cocaine? A low blow
Minesweeper What Hitler called his cleaning lady.
Next time you prematurely ejaculate Just remember you probably still lasted longer than Ronda Rousey
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.
A lion will never cheat on his wife But a Tiger Wood!
What is Dracula's favorite pudding?  Leeches and scream.
Obama: "Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?" Drops mic, walks away.
I find whiteboards to be absolutely fascinating. They're remarkable.
Helping my kid memorize a list of cities and accidentally wrote a Pitbull song.
Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen? Me: We have the same teacher.
I just broke up with a hoarder... I'm the only thing she could get rid of
How did Chernobyl disaster happen ? scientist A : Are you sure ? scientist B : Trust me, I know what i'm doing.
I was glad when one fish got away. There just wasn't room in the boat for both of us!
What is the difference between pink and purple? About forty years.
My cat is out of control! Taming Wild Cats by Claud Face
Has anyone heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars] "Oh I love that movie, the way" *starts to sweat* "All those stars are at war with each other"
A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth. Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics Interviewer: Could you give me an example? Me: Yes I could
What do Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common ? They both shafted minors in the 1980's.
I'm gonna open a bakery in Germany. I'll call it "Gluten Tag!" K-THX-BAI!!!!!
Someone stole my mood ring the other day... I still don't know how I feel about it
Dead baby joke What's the difference between a dead baby and mistletoe? I don't hang mistletoe at Christmas time
What's Hitler's favorite species of shark? The Great White.
I hate going to liquor stores. Everyone wines about everything.
Why didn't the Avatar want to fight the Fire Nation? Because they gave him Aang-xiety
I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn't think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.
"Oh my god, you've gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mother
I know a really good knock knock joke! However someone else has to start it
I have a friend who doesn't drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face. credit to /u/crashdemon.
If you liked "These Boots Are Made for Walkin" youll enjoy other hits like "This Toaster Toasts Things" and "Whats the Phone Number for 911"
How many letters are there in the Pirate Alphabet? Ten. Aye, aye, arr, and the seven seas.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? trick question: you don't need a light bulb when you have a glass ceiling
When someone says "women like you" to me, I assume they're referring to extremely powerful wizards.
What's the definition of innocence? A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
Yo Mama's so fat she sank the Titanic!
What do you call a Dothraki mathematician? Khal-culator.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo's were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an 'Around the World'
My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .
In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell? Medicine ... runs off ...
I lost 100 pounds... and I only got half an hour. London chicks are pricy as hell.
How do you stop a Lion from charging? have a successful dentistry practise.
What do you call a vibrating cat? An ocellate.
Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"
What does Marilyn Quayle have in common with Marion Barry? They've both been known to blow a little dope.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beth ! Beth who ? Beth wisheth thweetie !
vote for me if ew like it watsup boring.facebook fucking.viber irritating.tango disgusting.skype ignoring. google porn'in ....lyf is complicated.
Movie Idea: Lohan. Bynes. Statham. DEATH RACE 2
What's a specimen? A Spanish astronaut
Procrastination is a really deep word. I'll tell you guys the rest some other day.
What kind of organisation is Atheism? A non-prophet organisation.
Why do Chinese knights have a low rate of survival? They all have chinks in their armor.
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck.... Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
I decided to get my girlfriend &amp; her sister new jackets for Christmas That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.
If you're a Liverpool Fan you are currently doing one of these three things: 1) Defending Gerrard 2) Defending Suarez 3) Kissing your sister
What kind of bees produce milk? booBEES. I'm so sorry..
What's a sailor's favorite kind of knot? It's a tie.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Look ask me when I get back from India okay?
[son's football game] Other dad: which one's yours? Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
What did the French guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left? Oh, gosh!
Why did the coach go to Aldi? To get his quarterback.
"Hey bro can you leave me some of the snack? You're eating way too much." I said "sure", then proceeded to put the cat down.
Really discouraging that there's still bald people in sci fi movies.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is!
What's the difference between an 8 year old and a big bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall off a balcony
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
It sucks being a dick. Your best friend is a pussy, and your closest friend is an asshole.*a real asshole*
I made this joke up in my sleep... seriously. What does a bird say when he enters Nofrills? "Cheap, Cheap, Cheap..."
*sees couple making out* Come on, get a room. Get a house with a bunch of rooms. Start a family, I think you'd have beautiful children.
Did you hear Sea World is removing their Orca attraction? Whale it's about time!
Wife: Who let the boys out? Me: Woof woof woof! Her: Who let the boys out?! Me: Woof woof woof! Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET! Me: I'm going..
What did the doctor say to the injured gingerbread man? Why don't you try icing it
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead baby? I don't have a Lamborghini
I've invented a new sex position: the 114 I was 69ing with this girl wen her husband came home and shoved a 45 up my ass
"Egocentric" is an anagram of "Geocentric" I guess the world really does revolve around me...
A cowboy was shopping for a wiener dog some told him to get a long little doggy.
I kidnapped this girl last night... And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a virgin!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.
once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me
Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.
Two condoms are walking down a street... When they come across a gay bar, one condom turns to the other and asks, "What do you think? Feel like getting shit-faced tonight?"
The new Linkin Park album
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it's the right amount.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Talking to my friend about how useless I am with ladies... Me: "I even had to stand on a damn ladder yesterday just to kiss my date goodnight..." Him: "Wow, was she tall?" "No, she hung herself."
Nothing like wearing a pair of crocs to say "I have no aspirations of getting laid tonight!"
Hey why isn't Phil Hughes playing in the test today? Oh didn't you hear, he was the first Australian to be killed by ebola!
Is the age of consent for dogs 18 or 2.572?? (Need to know ASAP)
And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest pulled out his tie and wet his pants.
Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog
This mop seemed a lot more exciting on the infomercial.
My dog wouldn't shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.
if girl is in love - Her parent Ask: Who is that Idiot..? If Boy is in love - His parent Ask: Idiot, Who is that Girl..? Moral :: No matter who ever is in love... Boys Are Always Idiot :P (LOL)
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:...... Me: Its all there.
Did you hear about the narcoleptic hair stylist? He dyed in his sleep.
What is a Trump supporters favourite exercise? White power walking!
What do you get when you mix olive oil, lemon juice, rosemary, thyme, salt, pepper and marijuana? Cheech Marinade!
When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, "Wow, I can't believe it took so long."
Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.
What did the German say to the abundance of old memes vielen dank
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Never go to restaurants with Hipster Chefs. The food is spoiled. They've been using refrigerators before they were cool.
AMD hardware aren't for weaklings only for people who can handle the heat!
8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn. Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls
Donald Trump says US should let China keep seized underwater drone oops wrong sub
I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.
Damn girl, are you Life Alert? cause you just called the cops.
i'm undressing you with my ey... oh god, no no no i'm redressing you.
People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.
Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.
My girlfriend just texted me this: Babe,myspacebarisbroken.IneedanalternativeASAP! Anybody know what 'ternative' means?
How do you call an unfanny comedian? A youtuber.
What runs faster? Hot or cold? Hot because everyone can catch a cold!
I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat. I hate cops.
What do you call a black Roy Rogers. Leroy Rogers.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Being an adult means I'm in charge of my own bedtime, and I've realized I'm not equipped to handle that responsibility.
A cup of coffee just walked up to my girlfriend and called her a 'whore'. I didn't even react. I think my caffeine tolerance is too high
Knock Knock. who's there? Netanya Netanya who? Yep... thanks Obama.
Why did the rope not get any presents? Because he was knotty.
To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy. If *she* runs, it's a girl.
Candidate, with lisp, interviews for executive position at Citibank Interviewers: "Alan, where do you see yourself ten years from now?" Alan: "Running shitty bank."
"And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to.....Beyonce?" *Kanye slowly sits down*
Tons of hot girls in my neighborhood stopped talking to me. I guess they find ad-block really unattractive.
Life hack: Never actually say the words 'Life hack' out loud.
How do you kill a book? You break its spine.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes says "I think not" and he drops dead.
Why are mountain jokes the best? Because they're HILLarious
Breaking News ..... international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven't got anything to wear
Why is outer space so clean? It's a vacuum!
I feel bad every time I lie to Waze and say I'm the passenger when I'm really driving.
What do you cal a Deaf and Mute person? It doesn't matter. He's not going to come.
I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My boss asked why he didnt see me at work on halloween. I told him I went as god. I clearly was never there, and all the work that got done I did not do.
I saw the headless horseman riding down the street the othrr day Does anyone know where he might beheaded?
Where did Sadam Hussein keep his CD collection? In Iraq.
My boyfriend has the body of a god! Or the body of God. Okay, he's like the body of Christ. What I mean is, he's a round white cracker.
Whenever you find four Priests... you'll find a Fifth.
I should become a bomb specialist... It's a booming industry. Heh.
What do you call a scary frog A creepy leapy
My Dad has the heart of a lion and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice
How many dyslexics does it screw to take in a light bulb?
Why was the kitchen full of awkward sexual tension? Because the pot never called the kettle back.
Just went to a really emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers
What do you call a penny with Jesus on it? J.C. Penny
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
A group of programmers painstakingly made a small underground passage, that somehow got smaller if it was used too often. They called it the Carpal Tunnel
Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause all the trouble.
Q: Why isn't Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive? A: Because everybody knows -- tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What soup weighs the most? Wanton soup. I'll leave now.
What is a Dolphins favorite ingredient? All porpoise flour.
Him: I'm sorry, can we start over? Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I'll keep walking.
How does a vampire enter his house?  Through the bat flap.
What is programmers' favorite wine? [yellow tail]
My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
Where do Zika babies come from? A guy trying to get a little head.
I want a woman for our president. Like the one we got for Bill.
It's gonna be ok.
Directions to take a 1000 mile journey Step 1
Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.
I read the Constitution... ...but only for the articles.
Remember when you used to blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he gets out of jail next month.
How do you keep men on their toes? Raise the urinals
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it's okay?
A fly just blew up in my room I'm scared it might be a Jihadi longlegs
boss: trouble at home? me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah boss: wife giving you grief? me: there's a bee in my kitchen
A man falls over and lands on a globe. He heads to the doctors. The doctor asks what's wrong. "I've got this spain in my arsehole."
My password is "weak?" Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My dad happens to be an umpire at a restaurant. So whenever somebody order pancakes, he immediately screams "Batter up!"
What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me I'm going in.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.
What do you call a threesome? Q: What do you call a threesome with a man and two women? A: *Fucking awesome.* Q: What do you call a threesome with a woman and two men? A: *Gay sex with a witness.*
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin..
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me...I don't know man. I think you're gonna have a bad time
What is a Japanese favourite beverage that they don't remember? "Affogato"
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me? ME: What's the Wi-Fi password? I: About the job M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 or 2. Just 1.... Or 2...?
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None because feminists can't change anything...
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.
Think about the nicest thing anyone's ever said about you. Not really true, right?
What did the sign say at a strip club Business doing pleasure for you
dry skin? flaky scalp? discoloration? scaling? tongue bifurcating all by itself? hissing? legs fusing together? recently evicted a gypsy?
dave is coming over "normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know" [from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave "noooo
What did one hand say to the other? "Help, I think I'm in glove".
Did you hear about the lesbians that built a house yeah, they didn't get any studs, it's all tongue and groove
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Why did the wine critic get kicked off the nudist beach? Because he was walking around with a semillon (semi-on)
I made a miniature lemon-lime pie... It was a little tart
My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car But I didn't want to hear his Saab story
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.
What's the only positive from living in the ghetto? Pregnancy tests
I only wanted one Duran.
Her: "Is that you in your avi?" Me: "No, it's a picture of me."
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm read for free
It's like the people in this restroom don't even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
You think YOUR economy is bad? Around here the hookers are giving free blowjobs just to get something hot on their bellys!
I just realized that I get most of my news from Twitter. So... someone remind me what Pres Bieber's health care bill will do to your mom?
What did Hillary say when she bumped into Barack Obama at the White House? Pardon me.
I farted in my wallet now i have gas money.
if 9-5 is a full time job, and 11/4 is a part time job, what's 9-11? An inside job.
Wow kanye west's website is named kanye west .com .. can you believe the ego on this guy. jeez louise.
School buses are the clock blockers of my morning commute.
Why are black people like sperm? Only one in a million actually works.
ME: wat if they dont like me MOM: just be urself ME: ok! [comes home early in a masive cloud of bees] ME: WAIT DID U SAY "BEE URSELF" OR "BE
If you see me in court you'd think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I'm usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Why did they call off the leper hockey game... ... there was a face off in the corner.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows...
How to keep idiot waiting? I'll tell tomorrow.
What do you do when you're sunburned? Make like a banana and peel.
Came up with a joke that does not refer to sex, dildos, blonds, blacks, cocks, gays or even Trump. But this isn't it.
The Idiot Named Jay Well Story Is My Friend Was Playing A Game And He Asked Me All Day Where A PLACE WAS and turns out its written in his Quest Book!
Of course every kiss begins with k. That's how the English language works, stupid.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It's simple. If it's clean, it's on the floor. If it's dirty, it's on the floor over there.
How far can this plane go with just one engine? All the way to the crash site!
My dog lost his tail So I took him to the retail store to get another one.
Why did the monkey put a bone in his mouth? He wanted to smoke a joint!
What do you call a terrorist with eight legs? An Iraqnid.
Want to know how to annoy someone who has OCD?
how did canada choose its name? They pulled letters out of a hat. C, eh N, eh D, eh
I thought by this point in my life I would know what to do with my arms when I sleep, but nope, still confused.
I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive.
My friend said he'll shave his hair for the first time in forever... I told him it was a....*bold* move.
Why don't blind people like skydiving? Scares their dogs.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Want to hear a great joke? Well then fuck you because I'm typing off a keyboard.
I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
What did one gay sperm say to another gay sperm? How do we find an egg in all this shit? Credit to my friend telling me
Two gay deer walk out of a gay bar and one turns to the other and says, "Man, I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there!"
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
What did the O say to the 8? Nice belt.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap. Filthy bastards.
[NSFW] Offensive as Fuck What's big and blue and has 300 nipples? The dumpster outside the breast cancer clinic.
How did Charlie Sheen contract HIV? He blew a Piston in his car.
My friend was a pro at Russian Roulette He only lost once.
I put the "arse" in "arsenic". I also put the "arsenic" in your "morning coffee". Revenge is best served with a donut.
So, I fell and broke my Matchbox Twenty CD . . . Tomorrow, I have an appointment with the RobThomatrist.
Why can't redneck murder mysteries be solved? Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.
Sometimes when I say "I'm ok", I just want someone to tell me: "I know you're not, here, have a million dollars."
What are the two saddest words of the English Language? 'What party? '
I just went to the apple orchard with my girlfriend... My only complaint was I didn't get to be in cider.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I'd still be in bed instead of talking to people.
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says: I think you've had enough already.
[party] ME: I'm uncomfortable BF: Just mingle ME: Do I introduce myself? BF: We're at your family reunion
Did you guys hear that Donald Trump met with the Bilderberg group? They are the Buildawall group now.
"Where is the remote?" "All the way over there." "Guess I'm watching this."
What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt? If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.
The Model Her Garb was just pure Garbage, and she had a silly old Bag: she drank so much that we all went Dutch.-and of course she lost her Rag.
Two blondes stood on a riverbank across one another... One blonde yells out, "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde replies, "You ARE on the other side!"
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky? Me: *takes the ducky* Why? 4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
A lion walks the desert and sees an armored knight. "Oh no, not canned meat again!"
People who speak who speak 3 languages are trilingual People who speak 2 languages are bilingual. People who speak 1 language are Americans.
I was gonna tell a Holocaust joke but I ran out of gas.
how do you get a toddled car repaired you get another one for you toddled car get it?? re-paired
If you think Phil Robertson (the Duck Dynasty guy) has offensive view regarding homosexuality, or slavery... You should hear his answers regarding evolution, climate change, or 8 plus 9.
Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
What's it called when you try a different flavor of salsa? A change of pace.
My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house
The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?" The camel, clearly irritated, replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
How to stop checking someone's Facebook page: 1. Delete your Facebook profile 2. Break your phone 3. Give away your laptop 4. Die
First thing Trump does as President... Is kick a Black man out of his house.
Is Google a Boy or a Girl? A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it *never ever* forgets what you said.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me? ME: How do I access the WIFI? INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job ME: Is that all capital?
I've been on this new Vodka diet. It's great, I've lost 3 days already!
Did you hear about the midget, fortune teller who was wanted by the police? It was a small medium at large.
So I was sitting on the toilet this morning... ...and I look over and see this huge spider. It scared the shit out of me.
I beat my girlfriend at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that *I* choose the pizza toppings.
So I used to sleep on my carpet... I'd have to say, it was a pretty flooring experience.
Note from angry neighbor (above) and appropriate Army vet response (below)
Did you hear about Jared Fogle? He likes to eat a little *too* fresh.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"
You know urine trouble, when You see members of the KKK, Black Lives Matter And Westboro Baptist Church together at the RNC... They are bound to piss each other off.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said "So sorry man. Hope things work out."
If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i'm a very Portant person to some.
A judge had sex with an underage boy... Reports say the judge is not going to face any charges. He tried him as an adult
God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked "Earth". The avocado drops out of his sandwich.
It takes 10,000 bumper stickers to create just one vegan.
Stuppidly offencive A bus full of Sunny women is like a box of chacklet, You never no what your going to get.
My dad rear ended a car today that had a Jesus bumper sticker on it... ..he stopped in the Name of the Lord.
Bra's are also called over the shoulder boulder holder's. What do you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut.
What do worms and women have in common They both wiggle when you eat them.
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up What I'm doing is **natural** and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
I was with a blind prostitute today and she said I was the biggest she had ever had. She was just pulling my leg.
Willie Nelson, 81, found dead... He was playing 'On The Road Again'
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
What is Bill Cosby's favorite cocktail? A Cosbypolitan
And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the ... Paul Ryan
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good  student? Because education pays off in the long run!
Madonna fell while performing at a show yesterday. When asked about it, she said... "All that time on my back reminded me of the 80's"
Drinking Bud Light is like having sex on a canoe. Cause it's fucking close to water.
why don't programmers like nature? because it has too many bugs
Po.st Blog JOBS
Doctor: You are very sick! The patient to the doctor: Can I get a second opinion? The doctor again: Yes, you are very ugly too...
Shoulder blades sound way more awesome than they are.
What did the bishop say to a large group of priest at the overnight camp for young boys? 'Let us prey.'
Last year I took a visual design class... ...and our final exam was to design a fireworks display. I passed with flying colors.
How does Mike Tyson track Will Smith in the snow? He looks for fresh prints.
[police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a grey Me: ... My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Have you seen Kindergaten cop? It was such a good movie, they could easily make one or tumor.
I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Google Fonts walks into a bar . . . The bartender says, "we don't serve your type."
Girl are you sitting on an F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing.
What did the bottle of milk say to the Mexican? Soy milk.
Does anyone see this? Test post please respond
MY EX WIFE STILL MISSES ME... But her theoretical trajectory seems to be improving!
What is the blackest of magics? Negromancy.
I think 50 Cent should run for President in 2020 He's change we can believe in
What kind of rice puts you to sleep? Ray Rice
How to tell the difference between a Crocodile and a Alligator Well one you see in a while, and the other you see later.
I want my coffee like my life: dark, short and bitter.
www.google.corn
[guy who named the bedroom gets home] Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox
I posted a joke about ISIS killing themselves with their own bombs You can view it @ http://puu.sh/j83On/f79d53bf57.png
I would say go with the bigger penis But I really want Trump to win
Cheek of my doctor. I went in for a check up and he said I'll never have kids. I said "why? am I infertile doctor?" He said "no your a fat cunt."
shows up late for first day of new job *blames it on rush hour* shows up late for second day of new job *blames it on rush hour 2*
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.(NSFW)
In 1975 Bill Gates was out on a date... ...and he asked his female companion what he should name his new company. She replied that he should name it after his penis.
woke up to a tap on the door this morning had to call the plumber in to remove it
I was gonna post a joke about you... But I just realized it doesn't mean anything.
I think Marco Rubio has spine issues. Every time someone says Marco, someone says POLIO
My husband wants me to stop working on my flamingo impression. I had to put my foot down.
I am not fat I'm just making a very successful recovery from anorexia.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bag of shit? The bag.
when my kids lose a tooth i'm gonna put euros under their pillow they'll cry but i'll be all uh oh looks like daddy has to take us to europe
What do they call shrimp killing a bunch of other shrimp? A krilling spree!
When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what? We do.
I call my mom and step-dads marriage " 12 years a slave". He is the slave.
Food preferences area curious thing, I realized that I don't like chocolate anymore ... on the day when I noticed that I don't fit anymore into my old apartment.
What's the difference between a WWE wrestler and a soccer player? A WWE wrestler will get up after faking an injury.
My wife said she wanted to have sex like in the movies.. ..so I fucked her in the arse and came on her face and in her hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son's bedroom and I'm pretty sure it can't be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Who is the most powerful ghoul? Judge Dread.
What do you put in an actor's drink... [OC] to raise the level of anticipation at the Oscars? [Expectorant](/spoiler)
Drugs can help you land a girl. You just have to make sure to pour them in the right drink
Do you know why the feminist went to church? She heard there was a man crucified.
"I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!" I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
How do you get 100 babies into a bucket... With a blender How do you get them out again? With tortilla chips
Pretty nice 7 mile run, and I don't even care that that woman passed me because her cane was like a whole extra leg that never gets tired.
Angry mimes give each other the talking treatment.
At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food? My daughter is 14 months old.
Isis isn't cool... It's radical!
What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra? He grows taller.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred? . . . . . The top ans was . . . . . GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
What's a pirate's favorite letter? 7 Pirates are illiterate.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn't start playing the violin since I was born.
If I was in a room with Trump and HRC....... and I had a gun and one bullet.... I'd shoot myself in the head....
What do you call a C-average student from Texas? Mr. President
A mosquito walks into gang territory looking for blood... All he finds are cripz.
How much do deer nuts cost? Under a buck
I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn't melt. I've got to start dressing smarter
I can't pull rabbits out of a hat... But I can pull hares out of my ass!
What are the five white things on a nigger? His teeth, his eyes, his nails, his palms and...his owner!
Remember when AOL was the shit? Then it sucked. Myspace was the shit. Then sucked. Facebook was the shit. Then sucked. Twitter is the shit!
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... But I found out she was seeing someone else on the side.
I came back from vacation with a serious addiction ...to the hokey-pokey, but I turned myself around.
How do you get out of tipping on a $100 order? Order to go. Seriously, fuck you if you do this.
Did you hear about the slow chef at the speed bake off? He would have won if he had just a little more thyme.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I've gotta go find my clothes.
A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, Doc, I'm horribly sick! The doctor looks at her and asks, flu? No, I drove here.
What do you call a thirsty cow? A watermeloin.. Don't worry, I remember where the door is.
I was awakened with a blowjob today I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.
Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud... "It should. It was fresh ground this morning"
What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning? Grab a cup of joe.
What came before the Big Bang? The Big Foreplay.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Toilet seats can give you STD's... ...If you sit down before the person stands up
What did the Sadist do to the Masochist? Nothing.
Daddy, did you ever eat cat food when you were little? "Yeah, but it didn't taste very good." She smiled and nodded, "I know, it taste like dog food." *A recent conversation I had with my daughter*
A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Men in hell.. "Did you see Satan's wife. She's bomb, dude!" Women in heaven, " Did you see those Angels? They have no style!"
How does Walter Palmer like his eggs? Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any
I have a bomb. EDIT: This blew up.
Jennifer Aniston named Sexiest Woman of All Time by Men's Health. Men's Health named Craziest Magazine of All Time by Men's Mental Health.
I've been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from Bewitched, and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.
What do you call a selfless pastrami? Pastramyou
Hey girl, do your breasts have an agent? 'Cuz I'd like to handle them.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
On medication is the BEST time to operate heavy machinery
What do you call a nazi gardeners foot pain? A facist planter's Plantar Fasciitis.
Only a woman can make you a millionaire if you are a billionaire.
What's the difference between an old cat and a little kitten? An old cat will bite and scratch, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.
The Clock is Ticking... 9:09 9:10 George Bush 9:12 9:13
Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison? Treeson.
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile (Im going to fucking hell. I shouldnt have laughed at this so hard.)
What was Helen Keller's favourite colour? Corduroy.
My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don't go to Disney.
Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.
What is the best kind of dog to ask for  directions? A Chihuahua because it knows all the shortcuts!
Margaret Thatcher has only been in hell for half a day... ...but she's already sorted out Satan's budget deficit, busted up the demons' union and made Hitler cry during a debate.
Me: Quit talking down to me like I don't know shit about technology! 12yo: Sorry... Me: That's ok. Now fix the router.
The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me. It's like being a teenager again.
So, Lieutenant Dan walks into a bar...
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The trick is getting them in there.
"You gotta keep 'em separated!" -the dude from the Offspring whenever he's doing laundry.
What's the worst thing about having sex with a Bulimic? She won't swallow
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last  night."
How can you tell when an Iranian boy has matured? They take the diaper off his ass and put it on his head.
What did the cell say to his sister who stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
A patella throws a party Because he's fun-knee
The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn't take 6 hours to poop.
My ex girlfriend had a dog. That thing was so crazy I ended up putting her down. But I kept the dog.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Why are there no Jews on Jupiter? Because it's a gas planet
What do you call a cavator that isnt a cavator anymore? an EXcavator
I asked my North Korean Friend how it was there... He said he couldn't complain
Friday is like a bra... You did your job all week, now it's time to take it off!... anyone need a hand??
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want...
Have you seen Human Centipede 3? Its the same shit.
Girl are you a gorilla enclosure Because I want to throw a kid in you.
I watched 'The Gods Must Be Crazy' for the first time. I don't want to talk about it.
Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? It's OK. He's all right now.
I saw a kidnapping this afternoon.. so i woke i'm up. Hahaha
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg? Irene.
Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight. Frankly, I'd rather cut the Obgyn.
Once in your life, you'll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
What did the leper tell the prostitute? [Keep the tip!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0PIdWdw15U)
When should you feel sorry for a skunk? When its spray pump is out of order!
1. Loan someone a pocket knife. 2. Take it back by wrapping it in a rag. 3. Explain you need a knife with someone else's prints on it.
I don't friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we're dating.
Breaking: Fox News reports Obama is no longer a suspect.
My girlfriend is always hooking, ending up elbow deep in a bush because she swings both ways She's a terrible golfer
A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"
After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty ended up having a great fall.
After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty ended up having a great fall!
So I've narrowed it down and I'm either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
Build-A-Bear won't let you stuff your animal with asbestos or bees so what's the point
If you bury someone in the wrong place then you have made a grave mistake.
Wanna hear a joke about a pizza? Nm, it's too cheesy.
I once met a Republican feminist She told me to Czech my privilege.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN- DO NOT STAND TOO CLOSE TO THEM, THEY ARE GROSS AND WILL ASK YOU FOR STUFF
How do you keep a group of women from talking? Ask the oldest one to speak first.
Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good.
I'm 35 and I was out to eat with my 18 year old girlfriend. Everyone was giving us dirty looks. Eventually I got up and yelled at everyone "you are all ruining out 10th anniversary."
if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.
Dodgeball in gym class... because life wasn't already hard enough when I was 12.
What would an anime spinoff of Dora the Explorer be called? Swiper no Swiping
*playing poker* *my opponent smirks* "All in." he says. *pair of aces* *I smile* *throws down a pair of Olsen twins* "Full House."
Have you ever smelled moth balls? How do you get his little legs open?
"How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets
I want to open a gay poker bar. And call it "The space of AIDS"
What do you call a 90's sitcom star's inactivated x chromosomes? Roseanne Barr bodies heh
Need a cure joke... Anyone? I need a joke that involves the band The Cure ... Anyone know any (or can make one up)?
What do you call a horse who goes freerunning? Sarah Jessica Parkour
What's the difference between Japanese people and their food? Americans eat the food after they nuke it.
If I jack off in a plane Does it count as Highjacking?
If athletes get athletes foot. What do astronauts get? missile toe
My cat ate her breakfast then vomited it all up. I'm a little worried about her health but she does look awesome in a bikini.
How do you make pickel bread? With dill dough
Why doesn't America knock? Because freedom rings
Your mom fell down A man tells his wife, Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 20 minutes ago. The wife yells at him, Why are you just telling me now? He said, Because I couldn't stop laughing.
Helium Walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says sorry we don,t server noble gases here He Doesnt React
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I wonder if AM realizes how bad it sucks compared to PM and FM?
/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards! 96% recycled content.
Quitting smoking was the easiest thing I've ever done... I've done it hundreds of times.
What do you call a secular humanist NGO? A non-prophet non-profit.
Why can't women be botanists? Because they'll break the glass ceiling.
Why don't old men like old women? Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I'm really a beaver] "ow" what's wrong? "I got a splinter" may I see? "I guess so" delicious "pardon?"
What's the proper name for a continually chafed asshole? "Mr. President."
Hey guys ,wanna hear a joke about a broken pencil? Ugh never mind that , it's pointless.
What do you call an alien that's also a pedophile? An Extramolestrial
Passover jokes? In case conversation at our seder lags.
Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea? Yep, he died in his tea pee.
What do Germans say when you show them a meme? Danke.
What the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
The Flash was caught high... He seemed to have taken speed.
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know anything about cars, but I do know how porn starts off
If Hillary Clinton makes it onto money... ...then she would have had to be on top while her husband and her were having sex. Otherwise, it would make no sense for her to be on a bill.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
If a spider gets bitten by a radioactive teenager does it become super sulky?
My brother lost his eyesight in a motorboating accident. Her nipples were pierced.
Why is everyone in an Internet cafe hungry? Server Not Found.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
And if you can't be with the one you love, eat because you're bored.
How do you tell a friend their breath stinks without being rude? "I'm bored, let's brush our teeth!"
Where do you go when you need a sperm donation? Sasha Grey's mouth
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell 'em: "You're gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
A woman and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig." The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck." He says, "I was talking to the duck."
"Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice."
Click here for 17 facts about suicide methods..... #8 will blow your mind!
What do you call it when you make fun of somebody else's gambling addiction? Slot shaming.
"Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil's avocado sometimes" Teacher: devil's advocate? Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.
My phone froze while looking at porn at work. The 4k quality is just too much of a load.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
I don't have a dirty mind... I have a sexy imagination!
What's the difference between a lesbian and a canoe? A canoe tips.
How did they invent break dancing? Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.
Had a vasectomy, was told it would stop my ability to have kids... Apparently it just makes them change colors.
Red head says to blonde - "I feel so dirty.... ....I slept with a Brazilian!". Blonde says - "Oh, you little slut puppy, you! Hey - I forgot....how many is a Brazilian?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum it could be done.
What did the fertilizer say to the grass? I'm the shit.
I put a sock on my doorknob To let people know I'm getting busy with another sock.
This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.
Learner driver: What happens when  everything's coming your way? Instructor: You're in the wrong  lane.
"Why did u jump off that bridge?" My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?" Yes. I literally just said that
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine... Somebody has to say it. GRAPE JOKES AREN'T FUNNY.
Did you hear about the guitarist that got arrested? He was fingering A minor.
I heard it was medically impossible for a quack doctor to make me straight But my chiropractor managed to realign my spine. He was kinda cute too.
Did you hear why the Ringling Bros. and Barnum &amp; Bailey Circus shut down? Because the Trump administration is now the greatest show on earth!
What is an astronaut's favorite meal? *Launch*
I have conversational ninja skills... People don't notice when I'm talking.
Bob has 50 cookies. He eats 45. What does he have now? Diabetes. Bob has diabetes.
A cannibal receives a call from his recently found brother. "What a relief! I thought I passed you on the side of the road the other day."
Having anal sex in the splits... A hole body stretch.
Who hasn't had Somalian food? Somalian children
What's the difference between a pizza and a gym teacher? A pizza can actually feed a family of four.
I love to have deep conversations at 12:59 I love those 1-to-1 conversations
What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.
My wife's got a latex allergy, so I substituted the condom for a bread bag. Now she's got a yeast infection.
What do you do if a bird shits on your head? Don't go out with her again!
I wanted to put a pizza joke here ...but it was too saucy.
I'd like to open a Greek sandwich shop in Lower Manhattan. I'll call it Ground Gyro.
Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard. Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.
Trunk dweeting. BRB
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why was the Formica factory so inefficient? Everything they did was counter productive.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly "Awww look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops looks up and says "Where?"
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don't think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Katt williams lost a fight to a 7th grader. This was not the first time he looked like a complete idiot in front of a crowd.
people: u should smile me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks
Serving weak coffee should be a criminal offense.
You can make fun of the Amish all you want on the Internet They'll never see it!
So an Irishman walks out of a bar ... no seriously, it can happen. (seen in an Irish pub)
Did you hear about the guy who got hit on the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Anal sex... ...it's fucking shit!
I'm calling my dick "Infinite Warfare" because no one wants it
Chopped: College Edition. "In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes."
What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.
What does a gentleman say to his friend at the gay bar? "May I push your stool in for you?"
What does Bill Clinton say when he is having anal sex with Hillary Clinton? I'm fucking Hillary-ass (hilarious)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No i-dear What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no i-dear
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Relationship Status: changing locks
what sex position produces the ugliest babies? Ask your parents
Why does more black people get run over during the day? You can't see them when it is night.
How to walk up the down escalator: Step 1: Step 1: Step 1: Step 1: Step 1:
History Joke What do you call a communist sniper? A Marxman!
If i cut off my right butt cheek will i be left behind?
What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the shit out of him.
Good news / bad news The good news is - the other day, I found a really good porn site. The bad news is - all of the web pages are stuck together.
There are just too many blogs And I will talk about it more during my next podcast.
rural upbringin' What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Wisconsin? Prom night.
Did you hear about the man who got a hatchet stuck in his teeth? It was accidental.
Plot twist: The Rock isn't Kid Rock's real dad.
Trying to make a password Me: beefstew Computer: sorry, password not stroganoff
Why Are Jews Considered Optimists? They cut a little off before they know how big it's going to be.
Patriots new theme song [could it be anything else?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uuzmub5PXNQ)
Does the FBI really investigate aliens like on the X-Files? No, that's what the INS does.
I had a fight with my imaginary girlfriend She was never there
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won't blow her up until tomorrow. I don't want to seem desperate.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it.
Someone Told me that Airplanes are the Safest Way to Travel... Now my friend has a Cessna in his living room...
What does a Gorilla attorney study? The Law of the jungle!
What is an angel's favorite font? Sans Seraph
I was so close to having sex after a long dry spell Then my wife woke me up
What did the Men's Right's Activist say when he left his piano out in the rain? MUH SOGGY KEYS!
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew? Having to sit at the back of the oven.
why were the people in the twin towers so upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My only fetish is for pasta I guess you could call it fetichinni...
Men love when you kiss their neck.. Just not when they're driving And you're in the backseat. And they don't know you. Apparently.
Tasteless but SFW What do you call a group of elderly virgins? Dried Cherries
Pete Rose is really bummed that Major League Baseball didn't reinstate him... he was gettin' some great odds bettin' they would
If Neo would have taken the blue pill, The Matrix would've been the exact same movie, except he'd have had a hard on the whole time.
My contact lenses just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.
It's a good thing that the Ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.
At first I didn't like beards, But then they grew on me
What was Philip Seymour Hoffman's favorite album this year? Pure Heroine by Lorde.
I made two New Year's resolutions: my first is to stop procrastinating I'll make my second one later
I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.
Last night I had a dream I was a muffler... And woke up exhausted
What do you call a camel with no humps??? Humphrey
The opposite of SpongeBob SquarePants is TowelWeave CircleShorts
*ring* Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline Me: Help please Her: Ok sir. Let's take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out Me: THIS ISN'T HELPING
Why isn't there a Jared's for boys? Oh wait, there is.
what do you say when your photo's being taken give it back
I was going to make a joke about an oil refinery... but I didn't want to make a crude joke.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
What do you call a hooker's fart? ... ... A Prosti- Toot!
Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.
What do you call a very funny mountain? Hill-arious!!
I was going through my nieces socks and underwear. It got awkward when she started giggling
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
You can borrow any movie you want from Ricky Astly except one He's never gonna give you UP.
Q: What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments? A: Luters.
Did you hear the guy who invented predictive text has died? His funfair will be held on a sundial. Funfair* Funfair* For ducks sake...
If your key ring is full of keychains with clever sayings, plus a stick filled with glittery water, I know you had a baby in high school.
"Grandma, may i play with your tits?" "Sure, honey! Just don't run away too far!"
Greenpeace have come up with a new name for shrimp hunting, claiming it's the same as mass murder. They're calling it columbrine
My black friend got offended when I told him a racist joke I told him to lighten up
I gave 3 berries to my friend in a trail and got shot immediately... The sign never said they would shoot for trespassing!
She's Smart! "You are so kind, funny and beautiful." "Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed." "And smart, too!"
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
I'm a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you're responsible for this."
How do bees go to school? They take the buzz
Why do people make offensive jokes about inbreeding? It's retarded.
I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom... ...until they are flashing behind you.
Nowadays People know the price of everything, But the value of nothing.
Can you find the the mistake...? Can you find the the mistake 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon &amp; you got your dogs from the shelter.... How do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
[Chumbawumba concert]  I get knocked down, but I get up again..  [whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd] "Aw hell yeah!"
Working with cops as a none cop has its benefits. I always get to say the same joke and always get a laugh. "Do i smell Bacon!" i love cops... ill show myself out.
The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."
I bought some artwork at GenCon, but I'm pretty sure I got ripped off. I swear they're all a bunch of con artists.
[throws wine bottle into vineyard] "Go, be with your family."
I love that new song where that clever black fellow does a sort of "rhythm-talking" & uses such fantastic rhymes!
Tell a girl shes pretty 100 times she wont believe you Tell a girl shes fat once and she'll remember it forever cause elephants never forget
What do the Patriots and Lance Armstrong have in common? They only have one good ball.
*1st date* "Nothing's sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh" *cut to me in her closet in a clown suit* "Hellooo soulmate"
According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.
Pokemon GO is the biggest thing right now, guess whats up next! Plantation Tycoon DownSouth 1600s Go Railroad 1800's Tycoon Auschwitz Tycoon Pedophile Go
*gets called a psychopath *googles "What's the average IQ of a psychopath?" AWWW, HE THINKS I'M REALLY SMART.
I just took a Baking Class The final was a piece of cake.
Which country has the highest number of foolish people? Hungary. Stay Hungary, Stay Foolish
Licked a frog once. He didn't turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
"Mom I wanna go bungee jumping." "NO!" "But all my friends are going" "Oh! So if your friends jump off a cliff, will you too?" "Er...yes"
--Whenever I am down in the dumps, I buy a new hat. --So that's where you get them.
Why was the cop absent from work? He had swine flu
The show "The Office" ended in 2013. We are now living in a post-office world.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Tonight on My Strange Addition Man addicted to brake fluid claims he can stop at any time
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed  for forgiveness.
What kind of back problem did the terrorist have? Scoli-isis
Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.
What has 7 letters and makes only Redditers mad? [deleted]
Why do pirates like TIG welding so much? Because they have a good supply of ARRgon.
They say that if you are bad in this life, you re-encarnate into a 'Nickelback' song in the next one.
Why did the bee get married? He found his honey!
I like my women like I like my cigars 7 years old and coming from Cuba in a burlap sack
There were two fish in a tank... one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"
For the last time, I'm not racist! I specifically called it African American Friday!
A Pokemon go user walks into a bar Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it
People in California be like Tree down walkway closed!
My phone changed "you wanna hang" to "you wanna bang" and send........
My wife said "You only love me because my father left me a million pounds." "That's not true, I'd still love you whoever left it to you"
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Still in love with various hypothetical women.
For mother day my mom is going to get the same as always disappointment :(
Twitter announced today that they've lost 134 million dollars this year. I don't know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[Donald Duck opens gift] Daisy: It's pants. Try them on! Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
What does the average cat say? Mu
What do you call a fast sheep in Ireland? A virgin.
You know what's the ultimate form of rejection? When your hand goes to sleep while you're masturbating.
Girls in Thailand are like a box of chocolates Some of them have nuts
How do you hit 20 flies in one shot? Hit an Ethiopian in the head with a frying pan.
What's more fun than swinging a dead baby by a string? Stopping it with a shovel!
Who makes more money, a cocaine dealer or a prostitute? A prostitute because she can always wash her crack and sell it again!
Iron Man Iron Man Does whatever an iron can Makes stuff hot Makes stuff flat Burns your hand Burns the cat Burns the house down . . Shit!
Hello tumblr, I'm moon landing fictionkin
A threesome? No...if I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time I would go to dinner with my parents
TIL that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has it's own version of the devil . . . You will know this fake Flying Spaghetti Monster by his name, for he is known as the Im-Pasta.
Just finished typing this tweet.
that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"
[picking a career as a kid] I just want to do something that matters [many years and jobs later] Oh right nothing matters
Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, its called growing up.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker* MOM: what do u say KID: thanks mr dog DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Ever accidentally say 'I love you' to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.
Isn't it annoying when you're having dinner with your in-laws and they don't exist because no one loves you enough to marry you?
If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.
How do a neckbeard's cells divide? by m'tosis
Always trust people who like big butts.... They cannot lie.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... Because if you purchase one of their computers, you won't be able to afford health insurance
what do you call the smallest joke database in the world? r/jokes
Why do Russian cars have such a bad rep? Because they're always Stalin.
Looks like someone spent more time at the gym than in English class...
My friend started a business in Afghanistan selling land mines that look like prayer rugs.. He says prophets are going through the roof.
3 blind mice walk into a bar... ...but they are unaware of their surroundings so to draw humour from their situation would be exploitative.
What's the difference between a baby and baby Alien? One bursts into tears. The other bursts out of tears
Is your refrigerator running? Because I just might vote for it.
What do you call a horny skeleton? A boner *ba dum tssssssss*
You know the kids that'd knock on doors and run away....? ...they now deliver stuff for UPS
Just saw my wife's tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she'd explode bigger than any firework.
Knock-Knock Who's there? Meg White's most intricate beat.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies? *crowd goes wild B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES *crowd goes nuts B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I like to stare at a Priest & say "You wore that same outfit last week" so he thinks I go to church every week & knows I'm on to his shit.
I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing....It didn't take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women...
Making a good baby joke is easy But the delivery is a bitch.
Always the best looking one in the room. *Restroom **Restroom stall whatever
I'm always frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name.
Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him? He couldn't handle his boos.
Sick and tired of birds going to any concert they want for free. Maybe get a job and buy a ticket like the rest of us.
The best dad jokes are the ones you'll never hear... ...the black ones.
Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me
Never eat bear steaks... they're too gristly. (grizzly if you didn't get it)
The ghost teacher was showing her class how to walk through walls. "Now did all of you understand that?" she asked. "If not, I'll just go through it again."
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
What Do You Call a Bad Circumcision? What do you call a bad circumcision? A rip off.
I havent had sex But i spilled water on a cat once Does that count as getting the pussy wet?
How does Dracula eat his food? In *bite* size pieces
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(
Why is Jennifer Lawrence the only one freaking out about the nude photo leak? Because she's the only one with a fat load on her face.
I masturbated on a roller-coaster once... ...it was a real white-knuckle ride.
"You're an idiot." -My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word "HAY!" while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again. Who'll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
How do you piss off Reddit? [deleted]
When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.
Coming up to the anniversary of 9/11  a reminder, that jokes about this tragedy are plane wrong.
My doctor said I had 2 months to live So I shot him, the judge gave me 30 years
What was Hitler's greatest accomplishment? He killed Hitler
It's difficult to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs... they always take things, literally.
Why is the economy so bad has anyone told these guys there's always money in the banana stand
What game is in Schrodinger's Xbox? Dead or Alive
What did Hitler say when he got a 10 kill streak? Get reiched.
What do you call the line at a Vietnamese restaurant? Pho queue!
A baby whale asks his father, "Dad, where did I come from?" The father replies, "Well, I put my semen into your mother's vagina, and then you were born!" "Thanks, dad." "You're whalecum."
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck!
A month before my grandfather died we had tried everything to cure him. We then heard you could try covering him head to toe in baby oil - after that he went downhill very quickly.
What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? You can eat a bowling ball.
I was given a load of plasticine for Christmas... I'm not sure what to make of it.
What is the best thing about having sex with twenty nine years olds? There are twenty of them.
I from korea Hi
What do you call a happy Lassie ? A jolly collie !
Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door... ...but apparently his girlfriend was dead against it.
Fun prank: 1. Steal your married friends phone 2. Change your name to 'Brandi from the club' 3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Lethal tasers can be a real buzzkill.
[ultrasound] DOCTOR: oh my god! HER: what's wrong? DOCTOR: Ok don't panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right... But three rights make a left
Why do witches have stiff joints ? They get broomatism !
It's better to have loved a short man than to never have loved a tall.
Did you hear about the Irish monster who went  to night school to learn to read in the dark?
Did you hear about the guy who thought he performed brain surgery on himself? Turned out, it was all in his head.
Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he is dead.
Size matters... My penis looks huge when it's next to a map.
What do you call a Mexican who can see into the future? Cristobal
Why did the vampire have to get glasses? Because he was blind as a bat! (My 4 year old sister came up with this one yesterday)
"Sir, I need you to explain your resume." Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters "Current job?" I pee on things I don't like
Women are only terrible at parking because we're constantly being lied to about what 9 inches is
Bartender: "Do you want a drink, miss?"nnMe: "What are my choices?"nnBartender: "Yes or No."
Why does santa have such a large sack? Because he only comes once a year
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you've clearly never lost close to 500 GB's worth of data on your hard drive.
What did the black man get for his 18th birthday? Your car.
One day, scientists will build a very intelligent supercomputer. "Is there a god?", they ask. *** "There is one now."
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo "Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes."
Out of all the post you've see on reddit... this is one of them.
I think that the NSA is after me Because I'm Snowden after this blizzard
If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice... ... at night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
I just sneezed while eating a salad and the button popped off my jeans Which proves my theory: nothing good can ever come from eating salad
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I'll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung
Tower: Mission triple-three do you have problems? Pilot: I think I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying you lost the whole instrument panel..
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they're for here or to go.
How much did Harambe drink in the bar? Just a couple of shots
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "Everybody hates you."
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face] Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I'll believe it. I'm not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
mathematician Why do mathematicians only count up to 287? Because if they count one more it would be 2gross to continue.
Her cooking is so bad, it would make medicine sick!
Having Gay parents is the worst. You either get double the amount of Dad Jokes or stuck in an infinite loop of "Go ask your mother".
How do you castrate a priest? Kick the altar boy in the back off the head
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Ten words, two commas, a punctuation mark and a full stop all appeared in court yesterday. They're due to be sentenced next week.
What's the difference between a Soap Opera and a Trailer Park? A Trailer park has much more interesting drama and less than a third of those pesky white teeth.
Everyday is a good day to walk through the forest, The fact that im dragging a dead body is completely irrelevant
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones... They should use them to build proper houses.
Why don't black people dream? The last one who did got shot.
Baby, you're a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve minors here." So Eb leaves, and C and G have a fifth between them.
Kids are like farts. You can just about stand your own.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying, "hey, at least he died doing what he loved"
Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience.
Why is the sport of cricket called cricket? A: **Because it's boring.** *Was told this by a 10 year old, and didn't quite get it at first, but I think it's rather genius.*
OH AND JUST FYI.... THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
BBC News: Man is killed by wave. Fuck, how big was the other guy's hand!?
Whenever I see a car with an "Italia" bumper sticker on it, I always write "Gen" in front of it because I'm an adult.
Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.
What's Darth Vader's Favorite Mineral? co-pper
Zelda is a web browser Because Link appears in it.
My company is hiring someone for a Business Development, Sales and Marketing position... They're gonna call the new hire the BDSM Executive.
Fun prank Make them study for 18 years then don't give them jobs
Menstruation jokes are never funny... Period.
Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy's phone. All I did was edit his mom's contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.
I just emptied a caprisun into a glass and added vodka so that's where i'm at in life.
Uma Thurman's eyes are so wide apart...... she can accurately measure the distance to the moon using parallax.
What was the difference between C# and VB About 6 months.
I don't mind holding my wife's purse. It's the only time I get to be close to my balls.
Request: push more paper than a ... I need a joke some what related to this. Any help would be much appreciated
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs"
[in the woods] Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap* Deer: I have a boyfriend
What winks and fucks like a tiger? *winks*
What's the difference between Trump and Satan? Satan will at least let anyone into hell.
Back up so I can take your picture. Further More. Keep going. A little bit more distance. Drop off the Earth. Perfect.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he's- Son: Dad please don't... Dad: Lawn gone.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It isn't hard.
What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an Art History degree? The pizza can feed a family of four.
I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore
Why aren't healthy drive-thrus a thing? I want an egg and a grapefruit and a latte and I don't want to get out of my car damn it.
Why doesn't Nigel Farage like election forecasts? He dislikes ~~poles~~ polls How do you type jokes that rely on similar sounding words? It hard :(
Ingredients for an apocalypse salad Edive, thyme
"I beat you, fair and square" - Me telling you what I did to you, where I did it, and what my favorite shape is
My roommate forgot to pay the cable bill this month. They came and cut our Cox off.
If Clinton is elected president... It will be the first time two presidents slept with each other...
What do you call an ant who skips school ? A truant !
Psychic porn stars always see it coming.
Guy playing chess with his Central European lover "Czech and mate"
My friend had a dog... My friend had a dog that could only bark below 100hz. It was a sub woofer
Why does Tiger have to take so many baths? Because he plays with Pooh all day.
Q: What goes: click click click "Now? FUCK!" click click click "Now? FUCK!" etc... A: A blind guy working a Rubix cube.
K1: Frankincence K2: Myrrh K3: Gold K1 & K2: WHAT? K3: Gold K1: We said 20 each! K3: I.. K1: I hate you K3: Wrap it from all of us?
A man goes to the zoo. There's only one animal, a dog. It's a pretty Shitzu
I know one person who thinks he's an owl. Who? Now I know two.
What's so difficult about being a camera man in the porn industry? Recording with one hand..
How did the man get the woman into the pool club? He snooker in!
At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy I loved that wheelchair.
Being successful is like getting pregnant.. ..Everyone will come to congratulate you but no one dares to ask how hard and how many times you were fucked.
What is Metal Gear's Snake's secret? There's a Solid, Liquid, and Solidus Snake. It seems they all passed gas.
What did the reddit user say to the CEO of reddit Ellen Pao [This Post was Removed]
What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool? I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bernadette ! Bernadette who ? Bernadette ate all my dinner and now I'm starving !
I never understood the appeal of /r/titler... But you know, different strokes for fascist folks
Another International Ninja Day went completely unnoticed.
How mani Iowa citizens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 4 no 5 no 6 no its really 4 - not sure, better flip a coin to get the right number
What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson? He stank to the bottom of the pool!
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list] bread milk cheese eggs vengeance [he stops writing, frowns] vengeance grapes
If you are living your life without giving an "f", You are living a li[ ]e.
Thought I saw Shaggy at What-a-burger this morning...... But, "It Wasn't him".
9/11 jokes are not funny guys.. The other 2, however, are hilarious!!
Please pray for me as I make the difficult transition from pumpkin spice to eggnog lattes.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any pixar movie in his collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
What kinda meat does a priest eat on Friday? nun
So an Irishman.... Walks out of a bar....
I'd like to say some wise and meaningful shit, but the fact I just referred to it as "shit" shows just how meaningful I can be.
"Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?" - People
Let's begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Playing with Silly Putty is like chewing gum for your hands.
Who sung? Sam. Samsung
What does an Indian kid say before leaving his house for the day?.. Mumbai
Knock Knock...Who's There?.........9/11.....9/11 Who? "I thought you said you'd never forget...."
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
It's the story of Zip the penguin. It's a penguin, walking happily on the ice, and.... Ziiiiiiip the penguin!
What's the cheapest kind of meat? ...Deer balls, They're under a buck!
White girl frustrated in the 1700's: "I shan't even"
Anaconda Funny Joke I was watching anaconda on my laptop then my parents walked in.... I just switched to porn it was easyier to explain
Queer Irishman Sean: Did ya here the one about the queer Irishman? Brian: No. Sean: Seems he was spotted leaving the pub at 11 o'clock with a girl. Brian: So? Sean: Closing time's one.
I only like two kinds of pie Hot and cold
Home alone watching porn What goes black, red,black,red,black,red,black,red, white? A negro wanking
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.
What did the English man say when he walked in on his wife making love to three men? 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece  of raw meat on his head? A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)!
Last week I was with a midget prostitute. I payed her $20 to go up on me.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
The restaurant said they couldn't seat me right away due to lack of waiters I said, "That's alright, I'll wait".
What kind of medicine do bears take? Bayer Asprin
U U U U U U An American's tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[At dentist] Dentist: Any plans for the weekend? Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff Dentist: I'm not doing anything either.
What do you call an insect that gets exposed to radiation but nothing of consequence happens to it? A moot ant
While on duty, a police officer comes across an injured baby horse. The cause of the injury unknown, but the officer suspects foal play.
For an international audience, spell the pop star's name as "KeUSDha."
The White Walkers don't need to attack The Known World as they all kill each other there anyway.
Your sign says "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE", so it seems highly unfair that you kicked me out for not wearing pants.
I have an inferiority complex.. .. but it's not a very good one.
"HOW" - dyslexic owl
A gentleman is . . . ...a man who gets out of the shower to take a pee
I tried to catch fog yesterday... Mist.
There are three people with four cigarettes on a boat. None of them have a lighter or matches. What do they do? Throw a cigarette over-board so the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter!
Pretending to hold the elevator while secretly pressing "close door" is an art.
Twitter has lost 90% of my tweets. Great! Now I've got nothing to show for the last two years. Nothing.
What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out? A rebel without a gauze
Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico? ...94 people died.
I knocked on my neighbour's door. I said, "Can you keep it down a bit please?" "Why?" he asked. I said, "I just feel a bit uncomfortable talking to you when you are erect."
A termite walks into a bar... And asks the nearest person "Hey, is the bar tender here?"
him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties me: I'm not him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing
What was Mozart's first movement? His bowels.
[wife checking on me and the kids] Hello "I called the house, you didn't answer." I went out. "Ok. Well how have they been?" How's who been?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
When in Canada, what is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable? Carrot-eh
Teacher: Didn't you hear me call  you? Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!
What is it called when a blind deaf man commits murder? Senseless Slaughter...
Why aren't there any Muslims in Star Trek? Because it's the future
You hear about all of these refugees? Sounds like a Syria's problem.
Dont take your phones with you when you go to a dentist they have li-ion batteries
Cheer up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president , until after serving 27 years in prison .
Do you think Reese Witherspoon calls her kids Reese's Pieces cause I hope so.
Why did the hippie lifeguard not save the drowning boy? He was too far out man!!
What did the Irishman say about Batman and Superman's fathers? They were both Martha Fockers
Oral Misgivings Q: How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex? A: She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
What did the mathematician and the dentist talk about? Calculus
What's the scariest thing in geometry? A vicious circle.
If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I'd never heard of him. "I'll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason."
What does NAACP stand for? National Association of Apes Called People.
I'm not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Why are pirates angry after leaving the bathroom? Because after "p" comes "irate"
Hot Gums. Dude looks at a woman and thinks she has a beautiful smile. Dentists look at her and thinks she has beautiful gums.Never watch dentist porn.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes... That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away AND have his shoes!
I tossed a quarter at my girlfriend... "Ouch, that hit me in the head!" I look back and reply, "good, maybe that'll knock some cents into you" I'll see myself out.
What do you call a Muslim pilot? A hijacker
Less than 3% of the world's mantis population are atheists.
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate it's tits a lot
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.
Teacher: "What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?" Student: "Baseballs." Teacher: "Baseballs?" Student: "Yeah they were Cleveland Indians!"
Ah yes. I've linked my Twitter to my Wordpress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it's time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood
I sent an Adele album to a guy who bought it on eBay, anyway his payment cancelled and I'm out of pocket .... Should I just give up or should I keep on chasing payments
Ways to tell a woman's mad at you: 1. She's silent. 2. She's yelling. 3. She acts the same. 4. She acts different. 5. She murdered you.
Stupid people need a CPU upgrade, colorblind people need a GPU upgrade. Just thought of this a few minutes ago, thought you guys might like it.
I don't get why people are upset with Beyonce supporting the black panthers during the Super Bowl... The losing team was already FULL of black panthers
We'd love to offer you the job [My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250 tweet! ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won't be needing to work anymore
What do you call a lonely orator? A master debater.
Dr Seuss Jokes Hello M'lady, how are you today? Let's go to my place and then we may Play some cards and test our luck But after that let's go and fu...rnish my bedroom
What's the first rule of bug ownership? Watch your step!
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common
Do you know what a sex stone is? It's just a fucking rock.
What do you call a tree if you don't know what kind of tree it is? It's a mystery.
Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer. I have no Words.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality
"Dammit" or "Damnit" are both acceptable, unless you are over the age of sixty, in which case "Dagnabit" is required.
I know a joke... that's so dark the police almost shot it.
A very, very old one. A man is standing in an elevator, when a woman walks in. The woman asks "Can I smell your balls?" "No you cannot smell my balls." "It must be your feet then."
What is love? [This is love](http://i.imgur.com/U3roe7r.png)
What do King Cong and the Archbishop of Canterbury have in common? Both are [primates.] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primate_(bishop))
I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie.
What's the difference between a white Jew and a black Jew? Black Jews have to get in the back of the oven.
Going from Obama to Trump is like going to a nice restaurant but it's full so u leave and have to eat an old ketchup packet from ur car
Why don't hydrocarbons make good criminals? They're always getting com-busted.
Why do divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
"Our toes look nothing like that!" - Camels
What's black and white and red all over? Charlotte, NC
What's the difference between ironman and ironwoman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
I went to China and couldn't find a single Catholic church... I guess they must have heard about the "One-child only" policy
These Mexican cannibals accidentally... These Mexican cannibals accidentally kill a priest for their meal. One of the guys asks the cook "ay, what's for dinner?" The cook says "tacos al pastor"
I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot and all over my crotch. Edit: My highest rated post is about coffe on my crotch.
Why doesn't anyone let Trump go fishing with them anymore? He always takes the bait...
What happened when Dr Frankenstein swallowed some uranium? He got atomic ache.
What's the difference between my job and my wife? My job will still suck after 5 years
How do you get an art major off your front porch? Pay for the pizza!
I'm gonna name my firstborn "arial" and people will be like "oh like the mermaid" and i'll say "no like the font"
When I die, I'd like the word Humble' to be written. .......on my statue.
Sometimes my girlfriend and i like to laugh about how competitive we are. But i laugh more.
I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs You'll find me in my lab
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Two children pieces of graphite are playing with a diamond..... ...Mummy piece of graphite walks in and says "Leave your Father alone - he's been under a lot of pressure"
My sons consider "it's bedtime" my first offer in the negotiation process
How many forever alone guys does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he wishes it was two.
What do you get if you cross a wireless with a hairdresser ? Radio waves !
Dear Google Maps, Don't insult me by telling me to head "southwest". If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn't be using you. Kthnxbye
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security? Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.
I'm reading a book titled "The Indestructible Dog". I just can't put it down.
What are filipinos horror stories? Crispy Pata
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he's allright. Guess he was lucky *puts on sunglasses* It was a soft drink #FFFC
Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list  things she want.
Q: What do kids like to eat in the playground? A: Recess Pieces.
Have you seen the new Stephen Hawking's movie? They say it's too good you won't be able to move from your seat the entire film.
There was an ignition recall on my new car.... I guess we're off to a bad start.
Me +  + Loud Music = Wildly dancing like no one ever imagined.
You think I'm over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT'S over dramatic.
Why do hippies like to swim way offshore? Cause it's far out, man
The package of this pie is labeled "Apple," yet these are clearly cherries. I'm not sticking my dick in this.
What kind of code does a volcano use to make its website? HTMelt
I sing like an amputee I can't hold a note, can't carry a tune...
What's the difference between a guy falling from the 20th or the 1st floor of a building? 20th floor fall goes: *Aaaaaah, BAM!* 1st floor fall goes: *BAM, Aaaaah!*
"Traaains" - traveling zombies
Jimmy cracked cocaine, and suddenly everyone cared.
My kids don't like when I drink, but if it wasn't for alcohol, they wouldn't even be here.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Imported fair trade from Africa.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
So a bunch of women were playing basketball
You'd think being in a pickle would be a good thing.
Why I don't watch science documentaries with my mum. Man on TV: Microwaves travel at the speed of light Mum: Fuck me, that's impressive. Microwaves are heavy.
4yo: *shoots me with gun* *stuffs gun in my pocket* *runs away* Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide* *keeping an eye on him*
I met a guy today with a huge tumor... It was tho growth.
Hopefully "researching tweets" will hold up in a court of law when the prosecution presents my google search history as evidence.
Me: I'm happy right now. Life: Lol one sec
I've never been carded at a Forever 21.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Thinking about the first person ever to get drunk. People must have been like, "COME QUICK! JEREMIAH HAS BEEN STRICKEN WITH AWESOME!"
When Mike got arrested they told him "Anything you say will be held against you." Mike said "Claudia Schiffer's breasts."
What do you call a sharp witted man, that knows many languages, and is skilled at giving oral? A cunning linguist.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood... she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.
Can we PLEASE... stop beating a dead gorilla.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I'm fit but really it's just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Man goes to the doctor "Doctor I think my wife is dead." "What do you mean think! Either she's dead or she isn't Well replies the man "The sex is the same but the washing is piling up in the sink"
My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public... I said maybe.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana? He Shanghai.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Neil Armstrong WALKED on the moon. Michael Jackson fucked little boys.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other's walkers???
Do you ever get a shooting pain through your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it? No? How about now? Now?
What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's last movement.
"Son, you were adopted." "What, really?" I said. "Yes, they're coming to pick you up in an hour"
NSF(Life) Why was the strawberry crying? Because it's mom was in a real jam.
I've learned so much from my mistakes.. I'm thinking of making some more
What did cinderella do when she reached the ball? She choked.
What do you call an elephant that flies ? A jumbo jet !
If you pronounce the word vase like "voz" I'm gonna want to punch you in the foz
The first computer can be traced back as far as Adam and Eve It was an Apple with extremely limited memory: just one bite. Then everything crashed.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much...
I had a really bad day yesterday the only thing that was positive was my HIV-test.
My ex is like the Mona Lisa It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room
I want to be so talented and attractive that people are blown away that I'm nice.
What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? Having your dentist tell you.
Overheard at a gay bar "Let me push that stool in for you"
I asked my wife if it was still necessary to get her a card for valentines day even after 5 years of marriage. She said yes and the only card she wanted was VISA.
I've bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They're not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Statistically speaking, every male has had a crush on a teacher... For me, it's my wife's yoga instructor.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I don't find the same reposted joke when I search reddit for garbanzo bean recipes.
Just got out of heart surgery with a surgeon who had tremors. I'm quite shaken up about it. Sorry if this is a repost.
Where is Dracula's American office? The Vampire State Building.
What do you call it when a lemon jerks off her own brother until he chafes? Inzest
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? When there's a sail on it.
Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo
Would headphones get tangled in space? no, they would knot
If I was a plastic surgeon I'd probably spend my free time putting tiny breast implants in my toes.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn't want to dance anymore.
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks Funny.
stared at the sun to long trying to get my transition lenses to change but forgot I dont wear glasses. major headach now
What present can you give to the woman who has everything? Antibiotics.
TIL that the current chinese president Xi Jinping, has a PhD in English literature. That's why the Chinese people call him "The Great Reader".
If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring? Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
I've now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
There's a cure for kleptomania! They make a pilfer that.
What did the chemist say when hr found 2 isotopes of helium? HeHe
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Why do the French stink? So blind people can hate them too
fooling around I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute..."
Did you hear about the redditor who had a girlfriend?
My girlfriend said that my dick Has resting bitch face :(
my next job http://imgur.com/r3DFIHQ
Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies. Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.
I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.
Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.
Yesterday I had to buy a new hoover. My old one was just gathering dust.
What's a 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period.
[NSFW] My favorite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her, as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Why can't cats live on Mars ? Because Curiosity kills the cat.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate Baby, I'm just gonna shake their soda
Did you hear about the Muslim artists who threw paint bombs at a building? They blue it up.
How is your job and your wife different? I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done
Write the biggest mistake that you've ever made in childhood. I was believing that all people are black or white until the age of 14.
I'm making a graph of my past relationships. I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.
why do philosophers love the ocean so much? because it's deep!
If my inlaws break a bylaw, does it make them outlaws? Would any lawyer be in a preposition to answer this one for me?
TIFU by posting in the wrong sub
99 Problems If you havin adventure problems I feel bad for you son, I dodged 99 arrows but my knee took one. Hit me!
How the hell wizards don't set fire to themselves, I'll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.
Did you hear about the guy that ran the erectile dysfunction support group? He had to disband the group because he couldn't raise enough members.
Five out of four people Have a problem with fractions
What did Van Gogh's mother say to him when he was sad? Wipe away those ears.
How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One....Two...One, Two...
Why are terrorists so mean? Because they don't like Nice people.
What did one snail say to the other? Nothing. They were both decoys.
I dont have enough money to play f2p (free to play) games because i lack the money to buy the necessary hacks to be able to compete in equal grounds.
lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were
Do you want to hear a racist joke? Donald Trump
How do you spot an engineer at a party? He'll come up to you and tell you himself.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithberg.
Jokerino Why did the tire pop? Because it retired.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
Where do you find a dog with no arms and no legs? Right where you left him.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I'm not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Please stop telling me how poor you are via Twitter for iPhone
What did the Jewish Pedophile say to the boy? Would you like to buy some candy?
Me: guess who i saw today? Batman: who? M: not your parents B: Y do you always do this? M: cause they told me to B: who? M: not your parents
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now? "...there ar plenty of fish in the sea" OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
That's the third time in a week I've woken myself up by farting. One more complaint and they're not gonna let me drive this bus anymore.
"Let's call it a day." I don't know what else you'd call it. Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid. "Lets call it a turtle." See?
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a rap artist art
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like "wheeee!"
I've discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out "TWINSIES!"
What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids? *Me too*
Where's the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form?
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? Wheres my tractor?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them: Pick up a kid Unlock a door Load a rolled rug into your trunk
How to take selfies: Step 1: Take 40 pictures. Step 2: Post the least bad one.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour's lawn mower. He'll just have to mow around me, I'm not moving.
Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.
Our last fight was my fault.. My wife asked me "whats on the tv?" I said "dust."
My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light DOG DRIVER: it was gray! COP: no, it was gray! DRIVER: gray! COP: *starts barking* DRIVER: *barking*
What's the difference between the charismatics and the nacists? 45
What makes food go bad? [bacteria](/spoiler)
My handwriting has gotten pretty bad... I am the most illegible bachelor in my hometown!
Want to hear the one about potassium? K.
What do comic book collectors use in their hair when they shower? Mint conditioner.
A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Sees... (nsfw, I guess) ... a dog licking its balls. He says "I wish I could do that" and the bartender say "Give him a biscuit, he might let you."
My wife is from England so I gave her a good Rogering for Valentine's Day. He just left and she seemed to enjoy it, so... score?
An example of men's inability to understand women - Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I met an atheist that worked for a charity She said it was a non-prophet organization.
I couldnt go back to work, especially after what my shitty boss said to me. Damn, what did he say? You are fired
What's Captain Picard's favorite game system? N-Gage
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Trump won the election? IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."
If you want to touch the sky... Fuck a duck and you will fly! (I don' know who is credited with first saying this time-honored literary pearl.)
Who could it be? there's a big idiot between the "I" and the "Y" on the keyboard. Why don't you go and see who it is?
What do you call a horse that has been kicked out of his house? Unstable
Did you hear Kony is raising up another army? It's a baby only army. The infant-ry.
What is the main difference between real numbers and women? Real numbers having period are rational.
Always be sure to pay the Priest who performs the exorcism on your property. Or they'll come back and re-possess your house.
sorry I called your baby an "it"
Two bacteria walk into a bar... The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.
A man walks into a bar.. "Ow, my head" he says.
What do you call the Italian slums? The spaghettos.
what do you call it when you sext someone and they dont respond? Molexting
yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles traffic slows down.
If Tom Cruise had an intervention to an addiction... They should call it "Cruise Control."
I hate it when my dates try to start conversations How on earth do you reply to "mppphhhhh mmmmmhhhh phhhhhmmmm"
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob. As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...
Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die You: so you can't watch that YouTube link? Me: I'm saying it's dangerous to even send them
I was talking with my girlfriend on Skype the other night... ...and she told me this really, really terrible joke. I mean, it wasn't even remotely funny!
How do you call a bucket list created by a 16 year old? A Fuck It list.
What's the one knot I can tie with my butt? A noose
How do you get "Dick" from Richard? You ask him politely.
Why did Mexico reduce the number of days an American tourist can stay in their country from 180 days to 90 days ? Because after 90 days in Mexico, even they try to enter the US illegally.
How do you check the intonation of a guitar underwater? With a tuna.
What are a NEET's favorite type of shoes? REEEEEEEEEEEEBOKS
TIL that 'gullible' has been removed from the latest edition of the Oxford English dictionary... Seriously. I swear.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Why did the azn cross the road? his parents beat him daily for A- grade.
What stretches further, skin or rubber? Skin, it says in the scripture that Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 3 miles to the next town.
How to rid yourself of geeks [**star wars spoilers**] thats how
Do you ever think about the Vice President... ...sitting at his desk, looking around his office and thinking to himself, "Fucking corners."
Two blondes are waiting at a traffic light One says "It's green." The other ponders a few seconds, then replies "A frog"
the poor people on welfare should not eat steak and sea food. they should be drinking raw sewage out of an old boot while thanking me
Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can
Why are the best accountants twins from Prague? Because they always double Czech their work!
I was going to tell a Voldemort joke.... But everyone already nose it.
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? A: His ghoul friend.
I could never be a politician because every time it was my turn to talk in a debate, it would start off with "Listen you f*cking prick."
Why did the bee put on a yarmulka He didn't want anyone to think he was a WASP.
This week's weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 raped 6 when he was 4.
Why couldn't the anarchist draw a straight line? He didn't have a ruler!
A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
flappy bird misunderstanding someone told me to get flappy bird. trying to pick up women from my local bingo hall, was not what they meant.
I start conversations with my children by saying "Listen to me," to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.
Why don't Mexicans take drivers Ed and sex Ed on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break.
Most populated places in the world: 1. China 2. India 3. United States 4. Indonesia 5. Friend Zone 6. Hell
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
I went to shake the old man's hand But Parkinson's beat me to it
What do you call a smart plumber? A wisecrack.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
What is Trump going to build to detain illegal Mexican immigrants if he becomes President? Juantanamo bay
"There's an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are.You don't need this. If your phone doesn't ring at all, you're ugly."
If Bob The Builder's slogan is "Can he fix it?" then he's not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.
Why didn't the neuron cross the road ? It was Nervous
How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures? Someone is lying.
I think it's a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone's first guess is "constipation."
Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny got arrested? He was charged with assault and battery.
I need to go Wal-Mart but I don't wear pajamas, I'm not a NASCAR fan and I'm not fat. This is what I call a conundrum.
What are the people from the country Lesbia called? Lesbians
[Giving a toast] "It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident."
Ramadan Putting the slim back into Muslim
I almost got a job with Sony but the interview was cancelled
A man was shot with a starter pistol today... Police are saying it was Race related.
At the IRS audit IRS: According to your tax return you claim got money for nothin' &amp; checks for free. Taxpayer: Am I in trouble for that? IRS: We'd say you're in dire straits.
I bet hipster zombies just act like regular people.
Did you hear about the guy that died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his coffin
How do you know if someone is Puerto Rican? They tell you.
It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M- A-N. 1948. HUGE upset. Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
Why did the gamer start working out? He wanted to finally get respecced.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some- Wife: YES!
As an organ donor I wonder if there's some box I can check that might prevent my organs from keeping Dick Cheney alive?
Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange.
Nick Kroll and Amy Poehler are moving to France to start a family... They want a house full of French Krollers.
Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?
If you own a karate dojo and you don't make your employees answer the phone "Hiiiiiiiiya" You're doing it wrong
I was gonna make a sodium joke But Na.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms--I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music mount rushmore
Did you hear the last Chris Brown's song featuring Rihanna? It's a hit
NSFW Your dick's like Mt. Everest... it's hard to get up
I came home to find my best friend fucking my girlfriend Bad dog, you know you're not allowed on the furniture.
Said "large" today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting "Venti, Venti, Venti!" and a mass suicide occurred.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Why did Dracula miss lunch? Because he didn't fancy the stake.
How do you know when your sister is on her period? when your dad's dick tastes like blood
The patriots must be feeling pretty deflated right about now.
Mistakenly used yahoo for searching instead of google. It's like someone used google two days ago & is trying to remember the results.
Why didn't the blond call 911? She couldn't find the 11 on the dial pad.
Jesus walks into an inn With a Cross and some nails. He says to the Innkeeper, "Can you put me up for the night?"
What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself? One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies... but it was actually just 'some bees'
How is a teacher like a hooker? They're both pretending that they're enjoying it.
Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.
What is the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone, except you.
Turtle + Porcupine = Slowpoke
What did fettuccine say to rigatoni? Que pasta?
"Hey Al, I heard you're constipated." "No shit."
What's the difference between a turtle and a tortoise? I don't know but your mother's a whore!
office joke It's amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, "You look so gorgeous, I didn't recognize you."
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I like my women how I like my file systems. FAT and 32
If a boy has 69 candies and eats 42 of them, what will he have? Diabetes. ^^Or ^^cavities.
Donald Trump will run for President ... When the Cubs win World Series.
what's red and invisible? no tomatoes.
Phones are fake They're phony.
"Why don't you trust me?", she texted both the guys simultaneously.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death? Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Just out of curiosity, does anyone here use RES? Because I'm really wishing that they'd changed the 'Hide Child Comments' button for the Chris Hansen AMA.
Yo' mama is so classless She could be a Marxist  Utopia
Why do girls wear so much make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
[Commercial for hobbies] Like drugs for people who don't do drugs. "HOBBIES"
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and asks 'does this taste funny to you?' Ba da ba, tshhhh.
What do eagles and moles have in common? They both fly, except for the mole...
I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal... ..turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.
I heard abortion was really a race issue. There is no gray area its all black and white.
Two potatos are in an oven.. .. One potato says to the other, "It's hot in here" Then the other potato says, "Oh my god, a talking potato!"
What do you call a midget that can communicate with ghosts that recently escaped from a prison A small medium at large
Why should you always take two Mormon's fishing? Cause if you take one, he'll drink all your beer
Three feminists had a picnic... It didn't last long - none of them made sandwiches.
Did you hear about that guy who had his whole left side amputated? Yeah he's all right now
Ninja level hiding skills! Why do you never see Hippos hiding up in trees?? Because they are so darn good at it.
Annoying couples on social media What is an annoying couple's favorite sport? Bae-sball
Billion Dollar Idea: Child-Cancelling Headphones
When someone's all, "Words cannot begin to describe ..." I'm all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.
Cop: Is that a turtle? Me: ... Cop: Painted blue? Me: ... Cop: With nails glued on? Me: ... Cop: Mario Kart's not real Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[at Red Lobster] WAITRESSES: *run toward me* ME: Red Lobster! WAITRESSES: *stop* ME: Green Lobster! WAITRESSES: *run* MANAGER: Okay, SIR...
What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man.
 Taken  Single  Depends on how drunk I am.
whats the difference between acne and catholic preists acne doesnt come on a boys face until 13
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I paid for a $0.95 corndog with a dollar!
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? I've never made a vitamin...
My daughter got her dress caught in the escalator and I had to keep walking so people wouldn't think she was with me.
A baby seal walks into a bar No, wait. A baby seal walks into a club.
The orphan sat there, apparently. Get it? A-parently.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas". And now they are The ......... Peas
Mars: "hello." Me: "Is your water running." Mars: "yes." Me: "WELL YOU BETTER GO CATCH IT!"
Just realized that I'm technically a vegan for the hours between dinner & breakfast. No wonder I feel so fucking superior all the time
i wish you could click "save as" on puppies
What's the difference between your dick and your money? I can find a lot of girls that'll blow your money.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter ME: But Inky is my pet OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT'S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him* INKY NOOOOo
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well.. All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.
~The Discovery of Fruit~ Ok, so far you've named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one? Really? *sighs*
What do I think about during sex? My wife waiting for me to get home.
Where do people in Ghana go to watch football? The Ghanarena
Princess Diana had dandruff. Cops found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.
What's an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.
And the Lord said unto John, '.... come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.' But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I drafted 1984 Madonna and a meatball sub for my fantasy football team. Hey, it's my fantasy.
There once were three holes in the ground... Well, well, well.
Christmas: One woman's lie about a one night stand that got completely out of hand.
Non-consensual sex burns more calories than consensual sex.
What was a positive accomplishments made by the Nazi party? The leader killed Hitler OP: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3grkqb/what_were_some_positive_accomplishments_made_by/
Sometimes I order Domino's but give them Pizza Hut's address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved? [me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
What you call toes that taste like mint? Tic-tac-toe! My 8 year old daughter made this one up.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*
For the last time big girls, a smaller dress size doesn't make you look smaller. Actually, it does the opposite.
What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo on my face.
A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, "Do you share the same blood group?" The husband replies, "We must by now. She's been sucking my blood for years.
My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He's full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.
I always hear voices when I go for a poo. Shitzophrenia.
Why do elephants jump across rivers? So they won't step on the fish.
My Asian friend tried being white on his Oculus Rift He said it was a very eye-opening experience
Why do Pillows work? Cause they're white
I think I left popcorn in the microwave too long and now it tastes funny. related: popcorn is my cat's name.
Remember, if you gently caress a State Trooper's cheek they gotta let you go without a ticket.
Blue Collar Work Where does the blue collar chicken work? The Eggplant.
Hillary Clinton has been so embarrassed about her email scandal that if elected she will bring back the secure channels of communication she used growing up... the pony express.
Why did Kelly Clarkson cross the road? Because of you.
Some subreddits What kind of subreddit dedicates itself to darkness and shadows? No it is not r/shadow [removed]
Gay jokes arn't funny Come on guys.
My girlfriend said she needs time and distance does that mean she is calculating velocity?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
What's the similarity between a jew and a dog? They both hate the shower ^^^^SeeYouInHell
I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.
I sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He'll live, but he won't get laid.
I can't wait for the season finale of... ...America.
What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie? Aunt Man
Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email? He had no attachments.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run.
What's Hodor's favorite cereal? Raisin Bran
I accidentally ate a piece of rope... I shit you knot
What's the fastest way to get a ripped body? Take highwhey.
So A flat walks into a bar . . . And the bartender looks up and says, "G you're looking sharp."
My girl told me that she has daddy issues... So i left for a pack of smokes and never came back.
Boko Haram Has Really CHANGED. I used to like these guys a lot. "Whiter Shade of Pale" was a great, great song. Look at them now. What happened with them? They sure made a wrong turn, somewhere!
If we get pulled over this beer is yours. - Dads
All of the firefighters at my station are quick. They're even "fast" asleep!
It's politically incorrect to say 'black paint' these days... You must say, "Jamal, would you mind painting the fence please?"
What do you call an empty cheese whiz jar? Cheese Was! some old guy came up to me on the street and told me this one.
a group of kittens is called a litter because kittens are garbage
What do giants and strippers have in common? They both grind on bones to make their bread.
Apparently the capital of Israel is totally impoverished. It's a real Jerusaslum
Two nuns walk into a bar. The third nun ducks.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? It wasn't born yesterday.
My girlfriend says I've got commitment issues.... Well she's not really my girlfriend, more of a wife. -Stuart Francis
iPhone changed miles to milf's but the good news is my dad thinks I only have 177 left to go until I'm done.
Beyonce: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at - wait what is it called again? Jay-Z: Coachella. Beyonce: Coachella.
Couldn't stop farting...so i went to the Doctors I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite
I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
In space, no one can hear you scream. In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt. Well played.
Listen to Mom! Jim: Sometimes I wish I had listened to my mother's advice. Jon: What did she say? Jim: I dunno. I never listened!
Why are oil miners and police men mortal enemies? One brings black stuff and the other gets rid of it
Did you guys hear about the new metal band playing at the winery this evening? They're called Grapes of Wrath.
Whats more bruised than an old apple? My asshole after a night with Caitlyn Jenner
Why was the leper hockey game cancelled? There was a face off in the corner
How do you know if a Muslim is laughing online? He types, "HALOL"
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced A buccaneer
Your mouth makes the same movement's as your butt when you say the word "poop".... same with "explosive diarrhea"
So... Hillary Clinton is giving this FBI agent a blow job at the Democratic Nation Convention ... Hey...Chill out man...It's politics, that's how it works !!!
"...and then she farted and I swear her butt plug shot across the room like a rocket! That's the last time we have Taco Bell."
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
What do you call a bunch of woman in a tree A country
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large-breasted crab? One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
What do you call someone who was born in a camper? A son of a hitch!
I will not believe a thing posted on this entire website tomorrow (today for some of you in the world) Fucking April 1ST.
How do bank robbers send messages? By flee mail!
What do you call a Mexican Aunt? A tor-tia.
*jumping on a trampoline* What do you mean you want full custody?
Why fart and waste it? When you can burp and taste it.
How do you make a starfish shine? Drop it in sparkling water.
Why do physicists have such a hard time figuring out why their experiments fail Monday through Thursday? Causal fridays.
Where do bourgeois monarchists get their coffee? Tsarbucks
What do you call it when people line up well? High queue-ality.
Greece just demanded royalties from all countries in the world for using democracy "As for Russia, they don't have to pay us anything"- Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras clarified earlier today.
Things you won't catch me saying: What a great fucking meeting!
So Elon Musk, Chris Pratt, and Neil deGrasse Tysons walk into a bar.... There's no punchline just give me upvotes.
Old joke for Halloween. Why do witches not wear panties? For better grip on the broom
A Priest, A Pervert and A Pedophile Walks into a Bar
Look at the clock at the end of a workday and it's 4:04 pm. Where did the time go!?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes Man: Don't be ridiculous, I'm no terrorist AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
What's the heaviest soup in Asia? Wonton soup!
What do you call a difficult problem in chemistry? A chemystery.
[sees kid crying in grocery store] hey little guy [kneels down to his level] Can you please move you're blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I can see myself going up in the world... The mirror in the elevator is pretty shiny.
Q:Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A:('He wanted cold hard cash!')
What is the best part about a prostitute dying in the middle of your session? The next hour is free.
Nooo shit...me buying too much stuff?! My wife was complaining about the fact that I'm buying too much useless stuff on the internet..... So I sent her back to Thailand.
Whats white on top and black on the bottom? Society.
Marriage is like a trip to the museum... You have to be really quiet and you can't touch anything.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
If the world was made of LSD, I'd learn to walk on my tongue.
why wasn't jesus born in mexico? couldnt find 3 wise men and a virgin...
Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
My doctor wrote a prescription for dailysex. But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Some say I'm a man of many talents. It's not true... I'm a man of one talent - I'm good at everything. *i'll see my self out*
[commercial] "I'm tired of fruits that taste good." Narrator: GRAPEFRUIT
I asked my girlfriend at dinner, "Why are you being so salty?" Her response - with a flat, even look: "I've been well seasoned." I lost it
Michelle Obama puts her secret lovers number in her phone under Ben Ghazi knowing that by doing so Barack will never search for the truth
How much power does a hearse have? 1 corpsepower
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock.
Her: I'm sorry my baby keeps crying. He's got teeth coming in. Me: Well, don't worry, I'll sign for them...
Dyslexic man So a dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Citizen of a secretive dictatorship - AMA! [this user has been jailed]
Did you hear about the guy with a jurisprudence fetish? He got off on a technicality.
If a crocodile makes shoes what does a banana  make ? Slippers !
For somebody fluent in over six million forms of communication, it's weird that C-3PO went with "gay-tinged passive aggression."
Ok, so, for some reason, my lesbian neighbours just gave me a brand new Rolex... I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
Do you know why every new bride smiles? Because she just gave her last blow job.
A man gets pulled over... the officer asks the man "Are you drunk right now?" The man behind the wheel says "I swear to drunk I'm not god"
Did you hear about the brown paper bag cowboy? He had a brown paper bag hat, brown paper bag boots, a brown paper bag shirt, and a pair of brown paper bag pants. He was arrested. For rustling.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts? 'Cause the sound of a zipper scares the FUCK out of sheep.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing. LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Today was a sad day - we had to pull the plug on my granpa cause I needed the outlet for my laptop
Why is Harry Potter so popular in prison? Because he catches all the snitches!
I can't believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Why do they call it "Lipstick?.... ... When a woman can easily move her lips after she applies it?
If my liver was a person, it'd be Doris, the 50 year old waitress pouring coffee at the truckstop for 35 years & smoking since she was born.
Saw a chameleon today, so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one.
TIFU by buying a PT Cruiser
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
A nice buttocks. A *great* butt listens.
A chicken and egg are lying in bed after having sex.. .. the chicken says; "well, that answers that old question".
Me: We spend a lot of time together. Her: Turn left. Me: Just think we should take this to the next level. Her: Arriving at destination.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar... One condoms stops and turns to the other: "Hey. Wanna go in there and get shit-faced?"
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
How do farmers party? They turnip the beets.
Let's change things up a bit. I thought I found a quarter inside one of my shoes. That would have been strange enough on its own, but it turned out to be a nickel, which made even less cents.
When is a penis not a penis? When it's a **foot**
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
How do farmers party? They turnip the beets!
What's the difference between an erection and Colin Kaepernick? An erection can make it past the semis, and still stand up if you sing for it.
Not only is my new thesaurus terrible... ...but it's also terrible.
How do blind people know when they're done wiping?
Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human  being.
Commas make all the difference He was fucking up, until the end. He was fucking, up until the end.
Everyone's a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
I heard diarrhea is hereditary... It runs in your jeans. (Ba dum tss)
Complementing a mustache should be a good thing I don't know why she took it as an insult. Edit: *compliment. I knew something seemed weird
The population of Ireland keeps expanding exponentially It just keeps Dublin and Dublin
What is a pirate's favorite letter? You might thinks it's 'Arrrr" but his first love be the 'C'
Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."
What do grammar nazis order at Burger King? Two Whoppers Junior
My wife hates when I make jokes about her weight... ...She needs to lighten up.
I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal.
What's black and red, flashes like hell and annoys men? Live Jasmine
A poor old man got hit by a car today. I say poor because he only had 90 cents in his wallet.
Did you hear the news about quadriplegia research? No? Probably because they haven't been making great strides.
I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee
Explaining KARMA! It's when you throw a banana in Mario kart, and then, you lose the race because you got caught up in your own banana!
My dream car is just Shaq dressed like a fireman carrying me everywhere like he just rescued me from a burning building
If people say that love finds you... Then I must be Waldo.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
We should not be calling girls "thirsty".... Let's start calling them "D" hydrated
Why did the billionaire philanthropist spend his fortune bringing butter production to developing countries? Some men just want to see the world churn.
what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? have you seen my tractor?
Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before
Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him- Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don't do that
Atlantis sank to the bottom of the sea because some idiot started calling it "Hotlantis".
Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft? At parking meteors.
Hey, reddit, what is the most offensive joke you know? I just thought of this one. It should be pretty entertaining!
i guess. 7..8...9? (horrible windows joke i'm sorry)
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Someone needs to tell every movie and tv show that no cell phone beeps when you hit the "answer call" button.
What caused Captain Morgan's shipwreck? He was on the rocks.
What do you do when you see Michael J. Fox in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry.
Girls and Catholic priests atleast have one thing in common, they both have a thing for immature assholes
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bunji cord? My ass. LAWL
When is my wife's favorite day to make love? Tomorrow
Why doesn't India celebrate halloween? No Gandhi
Just Juan How many Mexicans does it take to build a lightbulb?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light -Bathroom graffiti
Why is wintertime love making in Scandinavia dangerous? Your tongue might get stuck to a Pole.
When my child is born I'll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say "Thats my son. The fast one."
I was raised by my grandfather clock because my biological clock was never there.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
Someone stole all the toilets from Scotland Yard Police have nothing to go on.
Do you have a nose? Who nose? Courtesy of the ~6yo on my morning bus.
What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex? Tenants
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Why cant Helen Keller drive a car? ..Because she's dead.
What are the four fastest hands in the world? ...when it slips out.
Climb mountains not so the world can see you, but so you can see the world.
I was walking down the road when I ... ...saw an Afghan bloke standing on a 5th floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him"Whats up, Abdul, wont it start?"
Men taking pictures of their outfits on Instagram is why we will lose the next World War.
A cashier rings up a box of trash bags for a customer... Customer: "I don't know why I keep buying these things, I just end up throwing them out anyways."
it's gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Why was the young golfer so angry? Because he was having a rough day.
What was sonic's diet advice to mario? Gotta go fast
Private browsing is for pussys... ... and tits
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track] YOU'LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Did you hear about the carpenter with no legs? He was a handyman.
Did you know Donald Trump has a different hairpiece for each occasion? He even has toupe for sex.
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo... ....dead
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? Remarry
[magicians backstage] don't panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I used to think math was useless. But then one day I realized that decimals had a point.
Shoutout to Amy Winehouse She's been drug free for 5 years now
Woke up 4 times to pee last night And each time only a little came out, my night of sleep was piss-poor
What do college fish study? Algae brah... I know it sucks but it was the only joke I've ever come up with!
Why are monkeys such great friends? Because they're prime mates!
Not to brag, but I still fit into the low self-esteem I wore in high school.
I've got a dick like a baby 8lbs 3oz
What is H1B for "Come here often?" ? Visit this establishment frequently ?
To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.
What did the kid who could see dead eskimos say? Icy dead people!
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn't that impressive.
It only takes one drink to get me drunk The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
What is the best joke you have heard that was on the end of a Popsicle stick? Here is mine: Q: Where do snowmen dance? --------- A: At the snowball. Best joke at the end of a Popsicle stick
I had to ground my 8yo son for this one [NSFW] Son: Dad, why do you have to wrap a bunny in duct tape? Me: I don't know son, why? Son: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it! Me:  Son: (   )
Where did Julius Caesar keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Ms. Pac Man is the biggest hoe in history For 25 cents she swallows until she fucking dies.
As a Marxist I could never play CoD, because I refuse to create a class.
How do you call a cow with no legs? You don't, because cows don't have phones.
it must be killing england not to be able to make fun of our dumbasses because their dumbasses did brexit
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
What tribe is your bicep from?
We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn't stay alive.
I SWEAR I'm not addicted to brake fluid.. I only use it in a clutch.
I can't stop making dirty jokes My doctor says I'm adickted
I don't think it's nice to make fun of schizophrenics. And neither do I.
My review of the sun One star
What is the difference between an event at the X Games and a sorrority? One is a bunch of Cunning Stunts
I became ill after taking self-defense classes... I think I caught Kung Flu.
Thanks to yesterday's chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
What is a sheep with no legs? A Cloud.
Why I like molecular-biology porn I watch it for the blot.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
People keep telling me that I have a higher chance of getting mugged in London than in New York. Well, what do they expect, I don't live in New York.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those who don't fold their clothes out of the dryer... ...and women.
What must a vampire ask before he has sex? Is it alright if I cum inside?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer "Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion".
U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months
I studied abroad for a year. But she got really creeped out and moved away.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? You put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
Harambe walks into a bar... "What'll you have?" says the bar tender "I'll take a shot." said Harambe
What do you call a vaping vegan?1 Nothing! It isn't like you'll be able to get a word in!
Yes, I have read 'Game Of Thrones'. No, It is not any different from the show. -Me, after watching Game of Thrones with subtitles.
And Jesus said unto John... And Jesus said unto John come forth and I shall give you everlasting life. But John came fifth so he only won a toaster.
[2:30AM] *it's quite late now. Let's make a call* *Hey Boss, are you sleepin?* [Yes you nerd, why?] *cause I'm still doing your stupid work*
How do you make an egg roll? You push it
Heard this at Disney... What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino? What? An elephino! (What's better is that they tell this surrounded by kids, and the parent's all just chuckle)
An old Jewish man asked me for directions. I didn't really care where he was going, so I told him it was straight on until the third reich.
My friend is dealing with a really severe Viagra addiction. He's having a hard time with it.
"Hello, Pizza Hut" Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza? "eight" And a medium? "eight" *long pause* I'd like to speak with your manager
Packing for a trip, Husband says I don't need to overpack. It is so cute how he thinks I'm coming back.
Ancient astronomers were studying the movement of the moon around the Earth After doing it for 24 hours they got tired of it and decided to call it a day.
When ever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap. Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Me: I need to sleep Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[magic school bus] KID: where are we going today MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo KID: but last week we went to SPACE MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I'm "whenever my mother calls, I think it's because someone's dead" years old.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an  Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
After the tsunamis in Japan a while back, my Japanese girlfriend dumped me. It's okay though, there were plenty more in the sea.
I'm at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised
Why ninja's are a pornographers nightmare You never see them coming!
I just heard the words "she received an academic scholarship from the university of Alabama." I never thought I'd hear "academic scholarship", "university" and "Alabama" in the same sentence.
Why did Karl Marx hate Earl Grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it? "M-my parents?" "No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..."
what do you get when you cross copper and zinc? brass.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime? Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
"I'm too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time" ~Management
My husband said that he seriously fears for my life every time I go out because I'm the "kind of person people would want to kill."
I woke up with an erection the other day... It worried me because it wasn't mine
I'm so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted "Why y'all checkin' me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"
I avoid making eye contact like my loneliness depends on it.
What happens when the lights go out in a Chinese restaurant? It'll Dimsum.
Every night, I have attractive girls banging on my door And sometimes, I let them out!
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods The bear asks the rabbit - "do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" "Nope" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once."
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? Because she's Dead.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted people
Why do you never see a crackhead over 30? Cause they're fucking dead
Guy Fieri sisters name is Girl Fieri
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person? ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I'm just a person, what bullshit question is this
Ben Hur new politically correct versions For straight population: Ben Hur For homosexuals: Ben Gay For lesbians: Ben Wa
What do you call spending time with you family through BDSM? Family bondage time.
Put the punchline in another post. http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2l881i/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/
You should go clone yourself... so you can FUCK yourself!!!!!!!!!
*strums guitar* This is a little ditty I've been working on called "Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies" Hope you like it.
I am a Art major Leave me a loan
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
When my wife starts to sing.......... When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
A cannibal came late to the family dinner. He was given the cold shoulder.
Flashing my Costco card at the lady at the entrance is the closest I'll ever get to feeling like I'm on the VIP list at the clubs.
What has 5 teeth and 60 eyes? A bus full of old people
What Do You Call An Arab Dinosaur? Dino-mite.
My mom used to tuck me in every night. She really wanted a daughter.
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You stop milking a cow after 10 years
How is Liam Neeson and an ionic bond alike? They are always having something get taken.
I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.
How does Moses make beer? Hebrews!
A yoga joke! What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave? "Nah I'ma stay"
A new BBC documentary accuses Hitler of millions of dollars worth of tax evasion. Man, the more I learn about this guy, the less I like him!
What do you call the boner of a necrophiliac? Mourning wood
What kind of ring is the least exciting? A BOring
What type of math is dead? Aerith-matic..
Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.
What Did The Pirate Say On His 80th Birthday? Ayyyye Matey!!!
I just waited on hold 47 minutes for a tech that sounds like he learned English from a Furby.
My wife is mad at me. Get this, her diary says I have boundary issues.
Some Mexican guy just tackled me & put silver/grey tape all over my belly then ran away... I was ab-duct-taped by an alien. (I'm so sorry)
How do I know you're getting laid tonight I'm stronger than you
A Polish man goes into the opticians... The optician says "Can you read the letters on the board?" "Read them?", he says, "I know him !"
Impaired Sex I heard having sex with a mentally impaired person has its ups....... .....and Downs
My son told me that I wasn't the "boss" of him, so I showed him a 37 slide PowerPoint to justify my management position.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don't go to Africa and start naming lions 'Ahmad' and 'Hassan'.
[me, in a sting operation] Can I buy your best stuff? DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff? *talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I'm thinking of maybe giving up on my Olympic dream.
I always like taking a shit while on the clock at work but its always so hard to read what time it is when I put it back on the wall.
What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking? Vaporeon
The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... Black Fridays Matter.
Why can't clocks keep secrets? Because, time will always tell.
What does a north Korean and a ginger have in common? Neither has a Seoul
What did the Game of Thrones character say when he saw the slutty door? Hodor.
Poor Kids One Day, Charles told his father he was going to the Wishing Well. So he flips a penny into a well, makes a wish, and walks home. "What did you wish for?", Asks the Father. "Another Penny"
I had sex with a girl at an apple orchid and she ended up getting pregnant... It's probably because I came in cider.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic's Association
I have the first signs of baldness, a friend said to me that my head it's like the house of a rich man... two car entrances in the front and a pool in the backyard.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership? Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn't agree with
How many political parties does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change the lightbulb, and the other to bask in the light of the old one.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever? A: Mustard. (It's good for a hot dog.)
Build a man a fire, he is warm for a day. Light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
How many ears does Spock have? Three: a left ear, a right ear, and the last front ear.
I just saw two guys high five. What the hell? I thought we got rid of these people.
Well, the definition of humour is not much humorous! The Incongruity Theory claims that humour is created out of a violation of an expectation.
Want to solve the energy crisis? Develop a car that runs on self-delusion. Me and my fellow Americans have an unlimited supply.
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?
My favorite Caesar quote. "Pizza! Pizza!"
I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn't have to make eye contact with the neighbors.
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off the cliff? Tequila.
How do you make a venetian blind? Poke his eyes out Credits go to my 90 year old grandfather, currently completing his PhD
[Possibly NSFW] Have you heard about it? "Hey, dude! Have you heard about urophilia? No? Well, urine for a good story"
Let's talk about pre-mature ejaculation real quick. Ok, all done.
What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber
Why does Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box.
When I go outside in the winter... I like to put my codon
Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response: Sherbert!
My Puerto Rican wife asked me how I liked my coffee "The same way I like my women: light brown and bitter."
What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster? Cook-a-doodle-do!
How do you make holy water? Put it in a pot and boil the hell out if it.
What do you call a disease you get from having sex? Infucktious Diseases
In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn't understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym
What's the difference between America and yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for a couple of centuries, it'll grow a culture.
Why do the French like eating snails? Because they can't stand fast food!
People stuck in an elevator called for help. They were let down.
What did 50cent say when Eminem made him a sweater for Christmas? ju ju ju ju ju ju G-Unit?
Every year on Valentine's Day, I put a smile on my wife's face by taking down the Christmas tree.
It's funny when you tell someone that you don't like people, they always think you mean other people.
Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident! Me: *you're
what did Putin say to Ukraine? Crimea river.
Why do people who drink milk struggle to walk? Because they lactose.
Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice. Anything to pass the time.
Just modified my GPS for when my kids are in the car. It says "No, we are not there yet!" every 30 seconds.
Come here and listen close and carefully, I'm going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.
I'm single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.
I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
What's the difference between cider and apple juice? My wife doesn't let me cum in apple juice :-(
Meat, eggs, and a blow job: which one doesn't belong? A blow job, because you can beat your eggs, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blow job!
Whenever I wear shorts it looks like I murdered a fat toddler and stole his pants.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What do white guys do that lasts hours and makes white women scream? NASCAR
Today at 8:24 PM it will be 7/16/15 8:24. That is the only time this year such a thing will happen
I want you to be completely honest with me as long as you're only pointing out my strengths.
A lady came to my door the other day, asking for donations to my local sperm bank.. I gave her a right mouthful.
"OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don't know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.
What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs on a pool table? Rick O'Shay
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed...
Dating Tip: Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
What's Forrest Gump's password to reddit? 1jennay1
The high today is only 37 and the low is when I ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy before 10am.
[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust? Orange Jews from concentrate
"I'm a green onion and I'm here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day." -A rapscallion
I wonder if mormons support the transgendered? If they did, they could go on a transmission! -- authentic dadjoke overheard at breakfast
What did the Australian say to the hawk? Good eye!
So I wanted to make a YouTube channel about Reddit... They wouldn't let me name it RedTube.
If you've never had diarrhea from drinking Jack Daniels... then you don't know Jack shits.
What is the difference between ooh and aah? Just three inches.
I walked out naked one time and she's like wtf. And I'm like this is how god made me! And she's like no that's how beer and tacos made you.
Ever since I got married I have sex almost every day. I almost had sex on Monday. I almost had sex on Tuesday...
If FiveGuys had been founded by black people It should have been called ThreeGuys.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Caterpillar ! Caterpillar who ? Caterpillar a few mice for you !
[harsh] I'm very open-minded, if I have a daughter she can be whatever she wants when she turns 18: stripper, whore, you name it ...because by then she's gotten too old for my tastes anyway.
Beeoligist Is that a bee or a wasp? I don't know I'm not a Beeoligist.
what do you call chicken shawarma wrapped in a tortilla? A mosqueito.
"I'm so self-conscious" "I'm a very private person" "I'm the shyest person I know" *posts 43 selfies a week* - girls on Instagram
What do call a prehistoric hooker? Vaginasaurass
I've never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
China has recently banned puns. In hindsight it might be a punenforcable law.
Two Bedouins were in the middle of a desert.  When one gets something blown into his eye. His companion takes a look at his eye for him and says "Hold still Abdul it might be  sand."
Whats so great about banging 26 year olds? There's 20 of em
Accidentally shoved a girl I didn't like to the left in the grocery store thinking I was on Tinder.
2 secrets to success 1) Never tell everything you know
I'm not saying she's a slut but she's had more people inside her than the statue of liberty!
Hi Officer I was pulled over one day and the officer looked at me ask asked "How high are you?" I laughed and said "No officer, you said it wrong, it's Hi how are you"
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. "Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.
What did the busty police officer say to the drug trafficker? You're under a breast.
As I get older, more and more of my Christmas wish list is just stuff I need from the grocery store.
I'm going to kiss every guy I see with a "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt in hopes that they'll never wear that shirt again.
Husband Wife Funny Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.
Happy Kwanzaa, my black friend! Kwanzaa just means y'all worship a black baby Jesus instead of the real one, right?
My name is Jafar. I come from afar. Some place in Quatar. I work at bazaar. I sell snake in a jar. I have bomb in my car. Allu ak bar.
Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"
What do you call a baby born in a whorehouse? A brothel sprout
Group hugs are like.... Group hugs are like a G rated orgy
What do Super Mario Brothers, and relationships have in common? Sometimes you have to slay a few dragons before you get to the princess
My friend told me he wanted to find the electrical resistance of Jesus. I was like "Ohm my God!"
What do you call a parody when the actors are unaware it's satire? Politics.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
There's 3 types of people in the world. The ones that know how to count and the ones that don't.
When I die, my last thought will probably be "Man that falcon looks pissed."
Why does a Frenchman never eat more than one egg at breakfast? (for those linguistically aware Redditors among you) Because one egg is un oeuf
Math Joke How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician? An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.
Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
A friend described me as a 'no maintenance' type And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My favorite sex position I called wow Its when I flip your mom over.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Rehab addicts go to rehab rehab.
In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked "where's the fire", stroking a lighter & whispering "haven't decided yet" was a mistake.
Did you hear about the escaped gang of Jamaican stabbers? Poky mon. Gotta catch em all.
Did you know that being possessed by a ghost increases your body weight? For weight loss, exorcising is recommended.
How many deadbeat dads does it take to change a lightbulb? I wouldn't know, mine's never around. (Alternately: "Well, he went out to get one...")
Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you'll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?
I own an innovative gardening supplies store. We sell cutting-hedge technology.
Did you hear about the two gay guys that got into a fight at the bar? They went out to the parking lot to exchange blows.
What is the best way to determine if someone is ticklish? Give them a "test tickle."
What does a pound, a dollar and rumble have in common? For a dollar you can get a pound of rubles.
What do you call someone who can't turn pancakes? A flip-flop.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to  pick only one.
I just got back from the doctors.. And he said I should stop masturbating. I asked "why?" and he said "because I'm trying to examine you".
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words? Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How's it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[caught hiding something in the garbage] gf: are you eating hot wings again? me: no gf: oh really, then touch your eyes me: god damnit
Give me a compliment? Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? Because North Korea's nukes couldn't reach him there
Relationship status: Sitting in Home Depot parking lot, car hood open, and asking men if they can jump me.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is already in the states.
"911, what's your emergency?" "My kids are being jerks." "Hey, Christian, you can't keep calling here." "Are you gonna send help?" "..."
"So my doctor just told me my DNA was backwards." "And?"
It used to be when people would tell me to go to hell, I'd say I don't believe in hell. But then I got married. So now I just say, "Been there, done that."
An Irishman walks out of a bar... It could happen.
Always remember your ABC's Anybody But Clinton!
I'm working on my second $million I finally gave up on the first.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing except for saran wrap... The psychiatrist looks at the man and says, "Well... I can clearly see you're nuts."
Yo mama so fat... That when she sat on a Nokia phone it broke
What's the difference between a Priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13
Now I see why the Jamaica's flag is Green,yellow and black.. It's the color bananas go.....
What's Jon Snow's favorite children's book? Where The Wildlings Are
What did Goku want to be when he was growing up? a SAIYANtist!
I change Siri to a man's voice and now it doesn't answer any more questions and turns off for hours
Yo momma's so fat... ...when she farted, they had proof for the hawking radiation theory.
Why did the army's craftsman enact a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy? He didn't want any glaze in the military
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.
I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"
It's nice to feel wanted. Even if it's by the FBI.
what do you call a young Chinese prostitute ? SUM YUNG HO
My penis is only a fraction of an inch... Thirty three thirds.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? **Virgin Mobile**
If there'd been a mix up my uncle could have been President of the United States He was an army undertaker, also known as a 'barrack embalmer' \- Milton Jones
Keep yelling "dance!" and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you're going to look like an idiot.
What type of milk does Bernie Sanders drink? Whole milk because he cares about all the milk and not just the top 1% milk!
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
The completely inane bullshit I read on my phone doesn't deserve the super intense face I make while staring at it.
I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone.
Just Spent 3 hours in the Emergency room...... .... the Dyson Ball vacuum has a VERY misleading name........
Love must not be a very good student... Because Love isn't always on time.
I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into... Everyone.
How do you make Halloween great again? By carving a Trumpkin
A wildebeast walks into a speed dating meetup.. he meets some good gnus and some bad gnus.
Why should you never run behind a bus? You will get exhausted.
What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo? One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.
The US is waking up to news of Brexit 'Vote Leave' win... Bill Clinton leads 'BJ for Prime Minister' calls.
My dogs name is Nama Only reason is so I can say:"Nama stay"
Did I tell you I'm dating a midget? I'm nuts over her.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger's lap and demands tickles it's "cute" but when I do it I'm "causing trouble in Starbucks" again. Jeez!
You don't have to study for a pregnancy test... but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.
How does a man who cannot curse kill someone? He buttbuttinates them...
A woman was doing a great job driving...
How many immigrants. Q) How many immigrants does it take to change a light bulb? A) None. That is our fucking job!
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
"Say TGIF ONE more time" I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, "Go ahead, say it again."
Sorry I yelled "SURPRISE!" when you caught me in bed with your husband. I was unaware that you don't like surprises.
You can't say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT...
I applied for a job with the Brittle Bone Society. I don't have any experience, but I'm prepared to give it a crack.
People get so offended if you call certain people fat. You have to say jolly.
What is green, fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table
I may have Alzheimer's... ... but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test? 1) Yes ) No %) I love you guys M) 8 ) Potato
What do you call a talk on male anatomy? A semenar
A duck walks into a store and says, "Give me some fucking Chapstick." The clerk says, "Alright, settle down you feathered cunt... How are you going to pay for that?" "Oh, just put it on my bill."
How do you impress a girl? By growing up.
I hate using a plunger... they work the shit out of me.
Yo momma is so fat, the sorting hat put her in all four houses.
What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period!
Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor
Toddlers always feel like the floor of a movie theater.
I'll never forget my grandfather's dying words... "AAAAHHHH!"
I can't. I'm busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I wasn't happy getting A,B and C in my results today. Having three types of Hepatitis is almost unheard of.
[After 20 min at your house] I used all your toilet paper "Check in the cabine-" All of it "We have more in the gar-" All of it all of it
What do you call The Bear who loves philosophy? winnie the Philosopooh
We're having sweet potato fries with dinner "Haha sweet potatoes?" DON'T "Don't what?" You're gonna make a dumb potato pun "I YAM NOT!"
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a prostitute. 'A WHAT?' The mother shouts. 'A prostitute' replies the girl. 'OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant!
Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a  light bulb? A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
I don't drink, smoke or swear. Holy shit! I dropped my cigarette into my beer!
The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who's gonna be the most excited about buildin' a Southern border fence? Canada.
A man enters the store to buy a dog... ... and points at a puppy he likes. "How much for that dog?" "300$" "What about the half?" "I'm sorry, we only sell complete dogs."
Do you know what the real letdown about John Glenns death is? It's the second time that Yuri Gagarin beat him to it.
[movie theater] *reaches into wife's purse* *pulls out lasagna* me: Told you it'd work
What do vegetarians masturbate to? Quornography.
A woman drives into a bar.
Need an ark? i Noah guy
The Vocabulary Theater is now open! I heard they have a clever word play!
Sometimes I wonder how shit life would be if electricity was never invented. I mean it would be terrible having to watch TV by candlelight.
Alpha Kenny Wun Write that "name" down and ask someone you know to read it out loud during class.
What do gay carpenters say... I'd tap that!
If you can down 20 vodka shots in 15 seconds... ...You must be Russian.
Did you hear about the woman who doesn't like banker jokes? So if you take her on a date, you'd better not teller any.
Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.
How do you spot an attention whore on reddit? Edit: Wow, I did not expect this to get so many upvotes!
A Scotsman invented the first condom. It was made out of a sheep's intestine. Not too long after, the British improved on it by first removing the intestine from the sheep.
Found in a bar in Charleston... What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. * rim shot *
Ladies: If a man approaches you and he's wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still. Their vision is based off movement.
Who did the crocodiles call when they found one of their own dead? The investiGATOR
Used parachute for sale. Only used once, never been opened.
Which US state is friendliest toward the Japanese? Ohio
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.
If you ever meet a girl named stone... Don't take her for granite
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell "ITS A TRAP" and run in a random direction
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm OK." Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Rabbi joke A priest sits down next to a rabbi at a park. He asks, "so what's the cost of circumcision these days?" To which the rabbi replies," I wouldn't know. I just keep the tips!"
My neighbor just gave us a brand new dining set! I guess he was feeling particularly chairitable today.
99% of lawyers ... . . . give the rest of us a bad name.
What do you call a Hillary supporter? A journalist.
God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty. Devil: I made potato chips.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, "The M&M's".
What do you call a burial chamber full of Moose? Moosoleum.
Just lean back in your chair and say "caloric". It's exhilerating.
Retweeting a compliment is like getting a compliment from someone and then conference calling a bunch of people and telling them about it.
Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel ... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.
Somebody was trying to break into my house last night, so I rang the police... But Sting said he was busy and suggested I ring the actual police.
Girls are like an internet virus... ...they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile...
What cat purrs more than any other ? Purrsians !
*smels vinyl record* The Continents r ok but they wer way beter befor they split up. do u kno the supergroup Pangaea? its from befor ur time
I got sick at the airport My doctor said it was terminal
Mom: You're a son of a bitch! Son: That makes you a bitch! Mom: You sure? *This is the story of how I found out I was adopted*
I'm 14 shows into the 1st season of 'Lost' & there are SO many mysteries. I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee. The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.
"You can have sex with my sister over my dead body" "Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I'm just gonna do it in my car"
Q: What do blonde's have against  condoms? A: Their cheeks.
Twitter: your jokes suck Instagram: your face sucks Snapchat: your life sucks Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When they buried the man who invented Tetris ...the whole cemetery disappeared.
I was going to tell a gay joke butt fuck it
What do you call a very cold vodka? Absolut Zero
I'm going to name my child Dick.. It rolls straight off the tip of my tongue.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is a good representation of all Italians Not straight.
What would bears be without bees? Ears!
Man's just been jailed for stealing an advent Calender He got 24 days
I know this guy that's hooked on brake fluid He said he could stop anytime.
Why do flamingos stand on one leg? Because if they didn't they'd fall over.
Did you hear about the French chef that committed suicide? He lost the huile d'olive.
MY PARENTS NEVER BUY ME ANYTHING -Sent from iphone 6
What do Trump voters use as bookmarks? Lit matches.
I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?
What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? Unlawful is against the law, whereas illegal is a sick bird. Note: This obviously works better when told than read.
A midget walked into a bar I guess it was set too low.
I'm starting a career by putting bombs in prayer mats I think prophets will go through the roof
How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term? Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.
What has 10 letters and starts with gas? An automobile
What does an American call a Canadian Dollar? A quarter.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg Unless u only have one leg... Then you're good
Why did Freud hurt his shoulder? He made a Freudian slip
A Black Widow joke Q: How do you kill a Black Widow? A: You take away her food stamps Was told his one at a family reunion, don't know how old but thought it was funny as hell!
Why was simba grounded? Because he was lion! Please. Please kill me..
After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.
Meow What do you call a cat who watches dirty movies? A purrvert.
What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother ? A brother, because you can choose your friends.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would "feel it" working in just 5 days. They were right, I've never felt more hungry in all my life.
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.......... If you're almost there & she laughs, now that's a different  thing.....
What does a gay orgy sound like? A cockophony.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To walk into a bar.
Him: Let's get you out of that dress. Me: Be careful Him: Why? Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I'll pop open like a can of biscuits.
What are your two favourite times to party?  Daytime and night-time!
How do cows do math? A cow-culator. haha haha ha ... ok, I'll leave.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff together. Ba-dum-tss
How many children's TV presenters does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change the lightbulb and another to show one they changed earlier.
I woke up today with a blowjob... that's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open
too poor for whole foods too ugly for walmart
Alton towers changed its name! To leg - go land
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable! Until the dog humped the couch
Why do baby clothes have pockets? I've never heard a baby say: "cigarettes,phone and keys alright let's go"
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads. That's a lie. On an unrelated note, I need that guy's address.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? I eat map. I eat map who? *My job here is done!*
Did ypu know premature ejaculations are hereditary? It comes in your jeans.
Mary Had a Little Lamb She also had a bear. I've seen Mary's little lamb. But, I've never seen her bear.
What is an astronomer's favorite drink? *Star*bucks. [Sorry.](https://sarahk18.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/happy-ba-dum-tss-l.jpg)
What did the proctologist ask the restaurant goer? Can I push your stool in?
How did ISIS become so powerful? They got a head
How many fams does it take to get the sky lit? Just one sun
Mickey Mouse is in court ... the judge looks and Mickey and says "Why are you divorcing Minnie? is she crazy?" Mickey looks at the judge and says "No. She is fucking Goofy"
What do you call it when you are looking for your Subaru Forrester in a parking garage? Finding Forrester
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Who fills in for the president of Russia when he's on leave? Deputin
Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer...
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on. In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Here's a joke. Women's rights
Having trouble with your iPhone saying "No Service"? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.
Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.
Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn't mean he's racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I'd start over.
Two things are expected on reddit. To be corrected and to find out who's racist
Don't sleep with family members... ...no matter how much they incest.
This morning I read about that 14 year boy with a clock they thought was a bomb ...I just checked again and it's really blown up since then
What's the difference between Barack Obama and Cecil the lion? Ones an African lion, the other's a lyin' African.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it's too cheesy...
"I think it's about time we had a white president" - 8 year olds
"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do." "Oh Ya, what does he do?" "Makes gun powder."
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM: Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
A Chicken and an Egg are sitting in bed. The Egg looks depressed; the Chicken satisfied. Not much of a joke, but it solves which came first.
Three nuns are on a bus, when a nude man with an erect penis steps on. Two of the nuns faint and the third has a stroke.
Why did the dorito feel left out? Cause he didn't chip in!
What's better than cheese? A cheese grater
Instead of an accountant, hire a philosopher to do your taxes. It's the thought that counts.
Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.
What do Jewish pedophiles say to kids? Hey, wanna buy some candy?
Tower: Cannot read you say again! Pilot: Again!
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? You smell carrots?
The year is 2036, President Jaden Smith is re-elected in a landslide after making it illegal to respond to someone's text message with "K"
Why should they have hosted the World Cup in a different country this year? .... because a brazillian things could go wrong
I was looking at a cup of Earl Grey that always replenishes itself.. It was like staring into infinitea.
How long does it take To microwave a baby? I'm too busy jerking of to watch a timer.
A guy wore a Hanukkah shirt to a Christmas party... He was in the Menorah Tee.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters* Cashier: Feeling crafty? Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I'm so glad they released a patch for my car The windshield was starting to get buggy.
I got arrested while jamming on my guitar.. Apparently, I was fingering A Minor.
Why did Christopher Reeve lose the debate? Because his arguments *couldn't stand* against scrutiny.
Her parents wanted her to date someone of her own ethnicity. But Polly wanted a cracker.
A priest, a rabbi, and a shaman walk into a bar... and the bartender says "What is this? A joke?"
How do you recycle a condom? You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards... I got a full house and four people died.
A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..." "That she was killed by a giant crab."
To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver.
Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle? Because he's only human.
I had consensual sex with a dementia sufferer... It was like HBO's Lost, it was okay when it started but by the end of it no one knew what was happening.
I was wondering why the frisbee in the distance was getting bigger Then it hit me
Why did the corn maze go back to school? It was tired of working in a dead end field.
Why is hitler vegetarian Because he burnt all his meat!
So a blind man walks into a bar and a table, and a chair
Banana starts with a B but normally starts with a N.
AliuroPhile Jokes I Hope U Enjoy ALSO SUBMIT YOURS TO THIS
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
There are three types of people in this world... Those who can count, and those who can't.
Made this up while hanging out with some friends What do you call someone you hate who owns a cube car? Dick in a box
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the road murdered the chicken's family.
Next time you're not feeling hungry, tell yourself you're going on a diet in an hour & you'll unleash the starving African child inside you.
Donald Trump doesn't have one solid, concrete idea! Except for the wall.
Can I go to a spa and hire someone to pop the pimples on my back? Like what do single people do about back pimples?
Why should optometrists never tell jokes? Because they're too cornea.
Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip "Syrian Refugee 1 and 2" onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
How do you tell if Lady Gaga is dead? You poker face!
I'm a fighter not a lover I'd rather beat guys off than love them
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I'd react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I used to be afraid of gardening... ...but then I decided to grow a pear.
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot in the foxhole? Because Donald ducked.
For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk. But, it was an icebreaker.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little. KID: Okay. PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
i want to create and sell action figures based around fathers. "father figures". First edition, "dead beat dad". BTW it's just an empty box.
"What's a good gift for someone who has everything?" Meth. Next year they'll have nothing it'll be easier.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Boomerangs are Australia's largest Export. And Import.
"john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date"
[interrogation] "How do u kno the deceased?" I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
(Work in progress) I want to have sex with a news reporter. I want to have sex with a news reporter. As soon as enter her, I want to scream "This Just In!"
Girl are you a school? Because I wanna shoot some kids in you
What's the most popular type of car in Turkey? Coupe
I wish Beyonce & Jay-Z would get on stage and present their baby to the world like Mufasa did in the Lion King.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
My Australian friend hit a sheep in his car the other day... ...I told him it doesn't matter where it happens, domestic violence is not okay.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bernie ! Bernie who ? Bernie bridges !
If I ever had to hear "Margaritaville" in its entirety I would strangle myself to death.
She told me to give her 9 inches, and make it hurt. So i fucked her 3 times, and punched her in the nose
Someone fucked up I got Gary Glitter in the mail.
Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? Because the grass tickles their balls.
PIGS A woman is walking her dog, when suddenly a man walks up to her. Man: "Where'd you get the pig"? Woman: "How DARE you call my dog that!" Man: "I was talking to the dog!"
Who is Patrick Swayze's favorite author? Wodehouse!
My mother retired and moved into a CVS.
What's a communist's favourite beverage? Leninade
What's a pedophile's favorite drink? Cherry pop. See you all in hell!
My psychiatrist asked me how I became so patient. I told him I was waiting on Half Life 3 to come out.
I went downtown today. I was really surprised to see that the stationary store had moved locations
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work
I lovingly caress my belly. "You're expecting?" a woman asks. I smile serenely. "Just ate an amazing burrito," I tell her.
What do you call a tall black person? A negro.
This damn hurricane, I would have thought that the country that invented the burrito, could handle a bit of strong wind
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with "That's what she said."
How do you make a good pun? You use a great PUNchline.
If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear... Would Greece help?
Michael Jackson loves the holiday season It starts with Black Friday, and it ends with a White Christmas. I'll show myself out.
What is the difference between a corvette and a blowjob? Your mom never gave me a corvette.
Why did the one handed man cross the road? To get to the second hand store!
Where does Batman go to get a haircut? Batman-do
Polish guy turns down A blow job He had three weeks left on his unemployment
A bodybuilder was killed when a fire broke out in my gym. Staff tried to escort him out, but he wanted to feel the burn.
Will you get mad? Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?* Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?* Wife: *No, silly. Of course not* Husband: *I slept with your sister*
I'm practicing emotional abstinence I haven't given a fuck in years
"Would you like to partake in resistance training?" "No." "That's what I like to hear."
"Rogue One" idea: The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander. Boldly - regally - he strides into the room. "Mesa Jar-Jar Binks"
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Passengers clapping when my plane lands makes me almost wish we had crashed.
Blow job vs. Mount Everest What does getting a blow job from a 70 year old woman and jumping down from Mount Everest have in common? You don't dare to look down, but you feel the rush.
What do you get when you cross a Barbie Doll with the Pillsbury Doughboy Some rich know-it-all bitch with a yeast infection
[airport security] *BEEP* Ma'am, step through again *BEEP* Nice try pal, I'm not removing my Slayer shirt Ma'am, please it's too much metal
So a robot walked into a bar and beat up a man with a bottle... ...he was charged with battery. I'm so sorry.
My grandpa has the heart of a lion... ...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
Ted Cruz is complaining about "liberal fascism," so I guess he's just stringing random unrelated words together, like "potato doorknob."
Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers? I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive. edit: grammar
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
College: Now that you're making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year Me: lol College: lol ikr?
"We are the 1%!" - People on MySpace
Why do German shower heads have 11 holes? Because Jews only have 10 fingers
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Hollywood.
[flirting w/girl at bar] And that's why [takes sip from elephant sippy cup] I always use a sippy cup [lid falls off and spills juice on me]
I tried to sell Ikea my new range of combat furniture. It wasn't going well, so I decided to chair the meeting. A couple of minutes later, it was all-out wardrobe.
What concert costs $0.45 50 Cent with Nickelback as the opening act.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Whooooaaaa, I'm halfway therrreee WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR Take this wig, we'll fake it I swearrrrr WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.... The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."
Me: There's nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week. Tequila: We're gonna fight every girl in this bar!
When you grow up it's like, ok now you can go to bed whenever you want & all you have to trade for it is the ability to ever feel joy again
The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was "well I have known chicken longer..."
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My penis is so big if i laid it out on a keyboard It would reach from A to Z
Little Girl: "Mom I want to be a Redditor when i grow up" Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both"
Micheal J. Fox made a Twitch account. He doesn't play games, he just sits there.
I thought my publication about fish living on land would be a big hit Too bad it was just a flop
Popsicle stick chemistry joke How did the gangster know the drug dealer was selling him a bad batch if meth? He said : "Nah amine"
Hmmph! I've been trapped at my desk at work plenty of times and no one ever comes to rescue me.
You are stuck in a room with Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. You have a gun with 2 bullets in it, what do you do? *Shoot myself twice*
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I've been feeding it to my friends kid and he's still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day... Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.
Don't read part A backwards Its A trap
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Why do redditors have so many inside jokes? Because we're too afraid to go outside
Why are X-wings so grubby? Rebel scum.
If your problem can't be solved by me saying "that's messed up" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn't come to me for help
If you're ever chased by a police dog ...don't run over a see-saw, crawl through a tunnel or jump through a hoop. They're trained for that sort of thing
It seems those Trump supporters... Have some egg on their faces
More people die from choking on sweet packaging than they do from the sweets themselves... Gums don't kill people. Wrappers do.
What's brown and sticky? The remains of an overused punchline
What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share? Shelfish
Life is like a box of chocolates- -There is always that one nasty one otherwise know as your neighbor
Good news The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name a disease after you."
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
I noticed you're eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time. So how many people have you murdered?
My girlfriend is a game girl And I'm the game boy
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
What is the definition of disappointment? Running into wall with a boner and breaking your nose.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Someone asked me, "What's the difference the testes and the penis?" I said, "Well, there's a vas deferens between them."
A redhead gets a job He is now a baker, probably a gingerbread man.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Answer ! Answer who ? Answer all over your porch ! It's a mess out here !
I once tried starting a private airline business But it never took off
Bought a Muslim sex doll today It blows itself up.
What did the five fingers say to the phallus? "FAP!!!"
As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass
Knock Knock Who's there ! Conga ! Conga who? Conga go on meeting like this !
Why was the young boy crying? Because he had a frog stapled to his face
What do you call someone who sells their butthole for sex? Prostatute
Man's wife was gone from home all day When she finally came back late in the day, her husband asked "Where'v you been all day?" "At the beauty salon" "Were they closed!?"
With all the negativity world-wide lately, it's nice to see Charlie Sheen has announced something positive
Why can't you believe what an atom tells you? Because they make up everything!
My inferiority complex has a pool and tennis courts.
What do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore arms
What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Santa? ...an eggnogstic
How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you're getting your hair done. Leave. Don't get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Donald Trump has a new book coming out The Art of the Feel
I wish I knew before the wedding, That my marriage license had an expiry date.
We need to make music cool again people. If you go home with someone and they have a Justin Bieber CD in their music collection, don't fcuk them.
Little girl: "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up." Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."
Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don't do dope, kids.
I once met a man who was half Irish and half Scottish He needed a drink but he couldn't afford one.
Boss: we're going to our cabin on the lake this weekend Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake? Boss: Ya? Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Roses are Red, Violets are blue I'm a schizophrenic, so am I
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? No? Well that's because it never came out
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it. Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Black Guy shot 15 times by the Alabama Police Worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Biro ! Biro who ? Biro light of the moon !
I asked my mom to tell me a joke... "Your love life" wasn't the response I was looking for.
How heavy is the moderation on this sub? And was it in anyway responsible for the death of FPH.
if Trump played classical pianoa Would he grab it by Debussy?
"what do we want?" "faster Internet!" "when do we want it?". Loading...
I got a girl pregnant in high school. Her son grew to be 6 foot 7 (200 cm). Biggest mistake I ever made.
How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.
Did you hear about the Rabbi who made his own fireworks? He called them Mazel Tov Cocktails ^(I am **so** sorry) ^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out.
If you have The Black Eyed Peas on your iPod, 2 things: number 1, you're stupid and number 2, you have peas in a pod.
Elvis My wee pet mouse elvis has died ! He got caught in a trap !
Why are Canadian Jews so poor? Because there are no pennies to pick up off the ground.
TIL 5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions.
I was about to make a joke about Jupiter and a spacecraft... ... but how did Juno about it?
Winehouse paramedic was intoxicated on duty... ... after attempting mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Gold chains would make a great retirement gift. For a VERY good slave.
The guest said to the cannibal Your wife makes a great soup. Yes, but I'll miss her.
I can't believe it's almost 2012 & there isn't a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids who's really into magic.
What do you call someone with no legs? 30 a week poorer.
So, I was looking around for some vacuum...
Shit happens ......every morning
My dick is so average... It's struggling with student loan debt but doesn't even use it's degree... Or Can handle about 5-6 beers before it's totally useless Or Its like the Toyota corolla of dicks
Why did Sepp Blatter resign from the FIFA president position? He just couldn't hold it any longer.
What brand of car would the Roadrunner be? Jeep Jeep
GUY: are u in the 1% ME: more like the 2% GUY: well that's still great ME: [wondering why this guy's so in to milk] it's pretty cool I guess
I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray He's still alive, but his hair looks amazing.
Knock knock. "Who's there?" "Orange." "Orange who?" Knock knock. "Who's there?" "Orange." "Orange who?" Knock knock. "WHO'S THERE?" "The president." "Well, why didn't you just say so?" "I did."
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing... ...except at funerals.
why do they even call them tampons?... tamp-ins, ladies. c'mon.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken. She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Carrie ! Carrie who ? Carrie a torch !
What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
Wife: Where are you going? Me: Out. I can't stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I hate the term "Hipster" It's too mainstream
What's the difference between a dentist and a sadist? Newer magazines.
let's head over to the barber shop and make hair angels on the floor
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill] Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally. *sits down on a chair* Me: Okay.
What do you get if you watch the Blind Side backwards? Oher's NFL career
I use Facebook mostly to keep in touch (without leaving the house) with people whom I do not wish the share my cell number  with...
Neckbeard goes to the doctor, feeling abnormal. He had a ma'lady.
What do you call a trucker that doesn't drive anymore? Semi-retired.
"what's your most cherished memory keith?" [looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile] [leans into mic] i heard a dog laugh once
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
What's worse than being German on D-Day? Being single on V-Day.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.
What does a Jewish turtle say when it first meets someone? SHELLom
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll!
Today my girlfriend offered to finger me I was deeply touched.
If the Austrian Police had a Orchestra, what instrument would they use? The Glockenspiel.
Have you ever been looking at someone right before they fall and when they do you think "Maybe I did that with my mind"?
What do you call a dog that's into BDSM? A subwoofer.
WHAT DO WE WANT!? CLEARED TIMES ON OUR MICROWAVES! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? 0:00!
What happened when a heart robs a bank? It gets put under cardiac arrest.
Why do Jewish girls love circumcised dicks? They love anything 10% off
If you have trouble spelling... Go to the internet, there are always peeple who will corecct you
Why did the chicken cross the road?....To get to the idiots house. Knock knock....Who's there.....The Chicken
If you play Apple's Beatle announcement backwards it says "I can't believe you don't know how to download music illegally"
Do let me know if you're ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You're welcome :)
[Request] Some computer jokes.
I don't discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
MASTURBATE JOKE DAD: Son if you masturbate to much you'll go blind SON: Hey dad I'm over here.
Married sex is a lot like Prison sex... The sex you're wanting, you're not getting. And the sex you're getting, you're not wanting.
A black guy and a white guy fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first? Better question would be: Why were they in the tree in the first place?
On Reddit, nothing is more suspenseful for me than... [Deleted]
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They don't change it. They just beat the room for being black.
If I were an astronaut, I'd want to be one for the Bahamas because I really don't want to take the risk of actually going into space.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a lot Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your wife
Where do taxi drivers with bad skin go for treatment? The Taxi Dermist.
"Let's sleep in when we can't sleep in, and not sleep in when we can sleep in" - children
Why did the Latino girl come to class pregnant? Her teacher told her to do an essay.
Maybe the Mayans were talking about hockey
What's worse then ants in your pants? Uncles.
What do you call an Italian with erectile dysfunction? Floppy Giuseppe
What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in.
What do ping pong players and my dominatrix have in common? They both like to paddle little, white balls.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.
Robin Williams It's a shame about robin Williams, but it's his own Damn fault. He should have listened to tinkerbell when she said "think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts"
What do Germans and acetone have in common? They are both good at removing the Polish!
A nurse puts her hand in her pocket, finds a rectal thermometer and exclaims.... "Some arsehole's got my pen!"
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I'm happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream, people.
What did one royal family say to the other before getting into a fight? Put up your Dukes! I'll just let myself out...
What does the future hold? Global warming, depleted resources, & species going extinct. But also the iPhone 5, so it's break even.
What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.... But I don't know Y
I had my hepatitis test today.... I did pretty well! I had one A, two B's, and a C! Edit: word
One atom asks a hipster atom, "Hey, did you lose an electron?" The hipster atom replies, "No, I'm just being ionic."
I just bought an answering machine and it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm just asking it the wrong questions.
My girlfriend LOVES my toenails.. I'm starting to think she's a nailphile.
Sorry, ladies; I've never had a period. Can't relate. Had a semicolon once, after being hit by a bus, so I feel like that was pretty close.
Why was the virgins' wedding during the middle of the week? Because Wednesday is hump day.
just got mad that firefox was telling me that satan was spelled wrong but turns out it just wanted me to capitalize it and show some RESPECT
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Why do fencers love Reddit? Because of all the *ripostes*
My dad got fired from the local calendar shop He kept taking days off
4: Let's hunt turkeys, Daddy. Me: How do we do that? 4: Put up a big sign that says, "Come here, Turkeys!" I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
If two rap artists adopted a child... Would it be named Lil Jon Wayne?
Husband Call to her Wife from Hell.... A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked How much pay... Devil: Nothing, hell to hell is free... :-)
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat... The bartender yells, "Hey, give that back!"
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[Rogue One Spoilers] What is the empire's favorite kind of font? Sans Scarif
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walks into a bar. He orders a drink.
Every DJ's picture looks like they just got done effing your mom & can't wait to tell you about it.
Why aren't Japanese optimistic? Because not every cloud has a silver lining
Preacher: God's love is unconditional! Me: Then why is there a hell? Preacher:...... Me: Your move.
Hey girl, are you my math homework? Because I want to do you on the table
It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man  he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!
What do you call a all female flight crew? A box office
Overactive Bladder Hotline. Can you hold please?
Why does Father Christmas come down the chimney? It helps him slide down with ease,
How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror.
Why isn't Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive? Because everybody knows -- tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Have you seen www.stickytape.com? Yes I can't tear myself away.
I opened the door for an old lady today... A few people stared when they seen me jump in front of her and just stand there to activate the automatic door though.
Why couldn't the astronaut book a room on the moon? Because it was full.
That awkward moment someone begins a tweet with "that awkward moment" & I slap their face with my dong.
What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair falls to the ground? *spits*
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? They're always eating out.
There are two types of people in this world... Those that can recognise when data is missing...
Frank's Girlfriend Frankfurter walks into his favorite bar holding a curvy Hamburger by the hand. "Hi guys," he says. "Meet my girlfriend, Patty."
before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule
My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion. I said, "yeah it's pretty straightforward."
How do fallopian tubes like there eggs in the morning?? Ovary-sy
I am genderfluid I sexually identify as mayonnaise. If you can't stand it than you neeed to ketchup.
Difference between a 14 year old girl and a Volvo? I don't have a Volvo BOUND AND GAGGED IN MY BASEMENT
What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle? "You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."
*Putting ikea furniture together* Her: ummm, it's supposed to be a dresser Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA
What did the Ocean say to the Beach? Nothing, it just waved... Prolly my favorite joke of all time, maybe ever.
Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.
An orchestra one-liner I popped off my g-string while fingering a minor
Why did Anakin kill all the younglings? To get to the other side.
What's good on pizza, but not on dick? Cheese
There are only two types of people in this world... Those who can't extrapolate from incomplete data.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What's the rest of her day like?
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball
What do you call a happy ending at a Jewish massage parlor? Free.
What do you call an Eastern European cashier? A Checkoutslovakian. (Better said than read)
The lesbian couple next door got me a Rolex for my birthday... I think they misheard me when I said "I wanna watch"
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
What did the farmer tell the hoe? Let's get dirty.
How are farts and Ancient Egypt similar? They both have a Tutankhamun.
What would you call a 90 year old hooker? Ho-spice
What's the capital of Greece? (x-post from /r/MeanJokes) About 10. DISCLAIMER: I heard this joke from /u/r4e3d2d2i8t5. All due credit to that person.
Why don't the British make computers? They can't figure out how to make them leak oil.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and one is a little lighter.
A small joke Old people at weddings say to me "your next" I do the same to them at funerals *-*
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Us New Yorkers try to stick to the four main food groups; pizza, pizza bagels, pizza pies, and cheesecake.
"What were you before you came to school boys and girls?" asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"
What's a zombie's favorite pop song?  Dead sails in the sunset.
Why would you download a car when you can download a shark, I'd bet it would be at least one gigabyte.
What did the Circle say to the Square on the bus? "Oh no! I've got on the Rhombus!"
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.
What do you call a racist police dog? A KKK-9
How many Chauvinists does it take to Change a Lightbulb? None, because chauvinists can't change anything.
Why is James Bond's favourite bartender played by Michael J Fox? He doesn't need to tell him to shake the martini.
How do you draw an Overwatch character? You Tracer.
Did you hear about the two nuclear scientists who are no longer speaking to each other? They had a falling out...
How much cocaine is 2 much? Do u think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??
How do you start a rave in Africa? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
What goes oo oo oo. A cow with no lips.
These microwaved pot stickers taste like fixed income.
What is it called when a dyslexic has a slow computer? A rack of lamb
Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But fart just one time...
What is the difference between Jedward and a vacuum cleaner? A vacuum cleaner only sucks when you turn it on.
My girlfriend can manipulate the muscles in her fanny to make a shag feel like a blowjob. Ironically, when she uses the muscles in her mouth, she sounds like a twat.
Why did u shoot ur wife ? Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover? Methew:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
How do you know if a hippo is in your oven? The door won't close
What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But, if roses were called "herpes" they'd make terrible Valentine's Day gifts.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.
i named my first son "christian" and i named his twin brother "born-again christian"
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas? Gloves! Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The Best Joke Ever * Insert Story Here * * Insert Punchline Here *
Whats the difference between a dead baby and an apple? You dont cum on the apple before you eat it....
Just met a HOT girl So I just met this hot girl. Problem is she had 12 nipples. Sounds weird.... Dozen Tit?
Simba was talking way too slow so I told him to mufasa.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu? Waiter: The cheesebur- Me: WRONG! *points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
What did the passive-aggressive raven say? "Nevermind, Nevermind"
What did the policeman say to his stomach? "You're under a vest!"
You know how they say your smile is your strongest weapon? Tell that to my friend who stood still smiling when a thief asked him for all his money
I saw a homeless man holding a sign. It said, "2 will change my life." Unfortunately, I only had a 5 note in my pocket.
Where do fish wash ? In a river basin !
Save some A's for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Small cars are the best ones Only Smart people will get this
39485 Sorry for the repost, but this is a classic that never fails to make me laugh!
I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with "Kodak"? Nicki Minaj: "Kodak", duh... Pitbull: Thanks!
I need a new therapist. After a long session with my therapist describing all my various problems, she asked if I'd ever considered suicide. When I said no, she replied "Well, you should."
Harry: Want to see a magic trick? Voldemort: Let's see what you got Potter. Harry: Got your nose! Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Why is santa so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live. Why am I so jolly? I stole his list.
Did you hear about the guy whose penis looks like Professor X? The resemblance is uncanny.
[wakes up & turns to wife] "I had a nightmare. You died." "Aw. It was just a-" "Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."
My girlfriend is really into space... So I've started calling my junk the "Pillar of Creation".
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
It's impossible to touch your elbows behind your back. You just pushed your boobs towards me.
Why is Donald Trump gay? The Chinese beemhole been trippin hardcore nomsayin'?
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano? Neither has he.
Having sex on a date... ...is going out with a bang. (OC)
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn't notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Why dont applebees employees wear watches? Cuz theres a clock on the microwave
2016's been bad! But today is definitely the darkest!
What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the  thresher? Ground round!
[guy next to me at urinal] "Is that a 5 or 6?" ...about 5-1/2 I guess. "Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?" *zips up* No.
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?" Witness: "Every year."
I've always wondered what lice do to you It's a real head scratcher
Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don't take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.
My iPhone could say that I have a voicemail from God and I still wouldn't listen to it.
What's the good word? Legs. Spread the word.
Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt? I promise it's not a pyramid scheme.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome...
[at subway] And just a little lettuce. *the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping* No wait.
I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I'm still here.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis.
Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don't risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers? ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
A hippo comes to a doctor... with a toad on his head. - What seems to be the problem? - There's something stuck to my ass, - answers the toad.
Just found a scary-looking Pokemon on my living room sofa. But then I realised it was my mother-in-law.
First original joke! Why did the rapper visit the urologist? Because his flows were so sick.
The Marines are a department of the Navy... The Men's Department
What did a bad teacher tell their wisecracking student? Don't get smart with me.
I like my coffee like i like my women... ...from a third world country and at a reasonable price!
Why are thousands of kittens dying everyday? For some sick, strange reason, men enjoy smashing pussy.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
At a Smucker's family reunion... ...there is at least one mother Smucker
My pet mouse "Elvis" died yesterday... He was caught in a trap.
I once helped an elderly Japanese man cross the street. Afterwards he said, "Sank you." So I punched him in the face. He didn't have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? It's the VCRdvard
My workplace consists of 80% women and 20% men.. I guess you could say that we are under staffed
How I got over my procastination ... I will tell you later
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full
What do you call a cold Jewish person? Iceberg.
How do you kill a one legged fox? Have it run across Canada. (maybe only Canadians will get this)
Him: Are you mad? Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: typing Her: No, I'm fine, why?
I justified buying a PS3 because I knew I could always use it to just watch movies, and now that's the only reason I still have it. A 250GB hard drive holds a shitload of internet porn
What do programmers hate more than fat women? Fat fingers
When I was born I was given the choice between a big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.
Remember when you were a kid and you used to run through the sprinklers at your uncle's farm and he'd dry you off with his strong arms?
Who just rang my doorbell? Its either: 1. A murderer 2. The police 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
A young nun is sewing a hole in a sock... ...when she pricks her finger with the needle. - Shit! - Crap, I said shit! - Damn, I said crap! - Aw, fuck it. I never wanted to become a nun, anyways.
How many /r/jokes reditorz does it take to change a light bulb? 21, the first 20 will just repost an old one.
Hey, I'll sleep when I'm dead. Also tonight.
How do you kill a thousand flies at once? slapping a nigerian kid in the face
When you're a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you're an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"
A gorilla walks into a bar and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"
If I ever have a son... I'm going to name him Bashun. And whenever our butler is unable to find him in the house he'll call out at the top of his voice, "Master Bashun! Master Bashun where are you?"
"Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time"  linguists, supposably
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.
What one food is known to decrease sex drive in women more than any other? Wedding cake.
I see a border patrol car drive by... So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says "no no I only have debit card" (true story)
Did you hear about the deaf guy who could sing? Ya, well he didn't
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Why did sally fall of the swing? she had no arms
What's sexier than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ!
Who is Joseph Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy
Are these my brains? A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet!' she replied!
Is your body from McDonalds? Why because you are loving it.... No ...because its fat and greasy.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a  shellfish? A crab apple !
Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze
I hope the Orioles keep up their winning streak, Baltimore has been on fire lately.
Apparently, if she's refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be 'Why are you mad again?'
If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis... it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless
a snare drum and crash cymbol fall out of a tree.. baduumm, tssshhh
wherever this dart lands is where I'll take a trip to *throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster* oh, well this is going to be difficult
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
Batman stands high on a ledge over Gotham... "This is high. How did I get up here again? This is fun, I'm fun. I'm dressed up like a bat."
You ever wake up with a hangover feeling proud that you didn't send embarrassing drunk texts the night before? What's it like?
what will a small left boob will say to the big right boob we are not isomorphic :P
Daughter comes home with shirt inside out. Me: Why is your shirt on wrong? Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Fuck if I know.
What's the difference between pizzas and vaginas...? ...Crust on a pizza is nice...
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok? Pepsi: I'm fine.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you're chewing gum.
Joke (for adults) Okay, so I'm going to tell you- HEY LOOK THOSE IDIOTS THE U.S. GOVERNMENT JUST LOWERED OUR TAXES
Roses are red, violets are blue.. No, wait.. Fuck, now they're black.
Hillary Clinton's biography is a fable... ... because the main character is a bitch.
If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I'd be worth something by now.
Birds wouldn't be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
People are not giving Trump enough credit from last nights debate He just beat off two guys at the same time on national TV
Just bought a thesaurus and when I looked, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am!
Why are some chillies nosy? They're jalapeno business
Can we have a thread with alternative endings to traditional jokes? I'll start: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
My wife passed away from an infected in-grown hair. I got a cyst and deceased letter.
Q: What does a proud computer call his little son? A: A microchip off the old block.
Did you hear about the magic tractor ? ... It went down the lane and turned into a field.
I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?
A different Roman walks into a bar... Hey cousin, want to go bowling?
Why did God put men on the Earth? Becuase a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
What did the Bra say to the Hat? I'll hang around here, you go on a head.
I tried to bring my dead friend to class with me, but the teacher kicked him out. Guess he's too ghoul for school.
What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? Lmayo!
People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.
Pornstars would make pretty good lawyers... People wouldn't mind getting fucked by them!
A fat guy.. A fat guy just keep getting fatter every month..after 5 years he got so fat died. At his funeral a friend of him said: Good thing he died, cuz he was about to blow up. (translated)
I'm going to Bangalore to open a second hand clothing store. And I'm gonna call it "Who's Sari Now."
Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11? **One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!** Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye. First front page ever! Woo!
Your dick.
An old lady in front of me dropped a $20 note, so I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Why do bicycles fall over? Because they are two tired.
What was Nero's favorite kind of sandwich? A Plebeian J
What does an octopus take on a camping  trip? Tentacles!
Just so you know, I have an Epi pen... My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I should have it.
Can a women make you a millionaire Yes, if you are a billionaire Kevin hart
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
KIM JONG-UN: I'm banning sarcasm ME: well that's just great K: what? M: I reeeally hate sarcasm K: seize him...I think
Donald Trump must be happy today... ...now that Chyna is finally dead.
What's the difference between a gay man and a Christian man? One fucks an asshole, the other is a fuckin' asshole.
What do you call the sweat on the bodies of two people having sex in West Virginia? Relative Humidity
I misused a comma in my last tweet and now I'm having problems with my colon. I know it has nothing to do with my period.
Whenever I see an adorable service dog and I know I can't pet it, the greatest internal struggle of my life begins anew
I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69... She said, "No, but I have done 53 That's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
How many American cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black
Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for Sea Biscuit?
A man goes to the doctor He says he has been having dreams where one night, he is a teepee, and the other night he is a wigwam. Doctor says: "That's an easy one, you're too tense!" (Two tents)
What famous movie did the hamburger meat think of when they took it out of the freezer? They Fry Who Cam in from the Cold!
Why are Peruvians always deported? Because they can't Peruve they're citizens
Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit's new baby? She  thought babies should be pink so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.
What did one orphan say to another? Robin, get in the Batmobile.
How do men in New Zealand address their women? "Hey! Ewe!"
I just overheard a co-worker announce she got tickets to a Nickelback concert. That's all, she was completely serious.
"DAAAAAAAD!! LOKI KEEPS STEALING MY THUNDER!!" -adolescent Thor
What do you do after raping a deaf girl? Break her fingers so she cant tell anyone.
Donald Trump doesn't play in the stock market. He prefers Junk Blondes.
Yeah yeah "Friends with Benefits" are cool but have you tried "Friends with Batteries"? Less drama!
Someone needs to tell attractive people that their stories are boring.
*doctor looks up* I'm afraid you have forgetting about 80's bands disease "Oh god what's The Cure?" *doctor sighs* It's worse than I thought
Q: Why did the apple cry? A: Its peelings were hurt.
How did Donald Trump know he had an STD? Because he was fired
Two birds are sat on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere **Knock Knock** Who's there? Not Sally.
Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an  ambulance! Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
What do you call your last girlfriend's vagina? Xbox
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Nobody ever wants to borrow my hippo :-(
What's cheaper than a wall? Landmines.
What do you call a young plastic covered sheep? Laminated
Superman: " I'm faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive" Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell into a mud puddle! ............ And then another horse started having sex with it.
How did the gangster die below the Empire State Building? Someone dropped a dime on him.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto . . hahah . . . fuck
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. "Give them to your sister," was apparently a relationship breaking answer
What do you call hundreds of crows at a Catholic church? A mass murder.
Why don't gay guys go to lesbian bars? Because they can never find a place to sit.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
Why did the "upright man", a humanoid species, went extinct 70.000 years ago? Because they got homo e-rekt-us.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I'm glad there isn't a pop quiz every time I claim to have read something.
I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back...
In Canada we don't have cars. we just float around on apology clouds and nobody ever gets sad or dies.
What's strong enough for a man but made for a women? The back of my hand.
twins are fighting over breastfeeding so one wanted to poisoned the other in the morning their dad died
What did the Italian bigfoot say when someone yelled, "Hey Abominable Snowman, are you ready to go?" "Not-a-Yeti"
Is your refrigerator running? Because if so I'll probably vote for it.
What do you call an alligator that starts something? An insti-GATOR!
Freudian Slip... I got divorced over a Freudian slip. I meant to say, "Please pass the salt" but I said, "You rotten bitch, you ruined my life." (I think that's a Jackie Mason joke)
We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.
How do you start a conversation with a bunch of idiots? HELLLOOOOO AMERICA!
What's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursELF 
"You are what you eat", said the cannibal.
Did you hear about how they spotted a Nazi in the sea? It's okay, it's just adolfin
[police raid at balloon store] Cop on radio:"We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over" Hedgehog cop inside:"Its not gunfire, over"
The two minutes silence in Tesco was so well-observed you could hear a pin drop. Then my poppy fell off too.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I'm having a stroke when I yawn.
I don't know what I'd do without Twitter. Probably my work.
Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you going to keep them ? Stan: In the bathroom Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath ? Stan: Blindfold them !
Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
If you throw a ping pong ball in the air, no less than 45 Chinese people will materialize to catch it & start a tournament.
If I had a dollar for everytime a girl found me unattractive... ...they would eventually find me attractive
What does the new socialist leader of France mean for the country, Europe, and the world? Nationalized wine.. Sounds like the right wing will have some whine too.
I'm watching so many cute animals videos I think I'm developing aww-tism.
Where did little annie go after the explosion? Everywhere!!
Why did the anthropologist eat a lot of yogurt? So that he could understand culture.
I tried to learn how to play the drums. but i'm just a beat off.
What happens to a frogs car when it is parked illegally? It gets toad away
Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
I dated this Muslim girl once... She was the bomb!
Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.
How do you convey body language? With your figure of speech
How do angels greet each other?  They say Halo.
How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope imsosorry:(
What is the first name of Mr Rafone? Mike.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Hangry A state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation: feed me or i'll cut you
Call me old fashioned, but I'm dying of smallpox.
It's a 10 minute walk from my house to the bar. It is a 2 hour walk from the bar back to my house. It's so weird.
Why do I wash my clothes in TIDE? ... because it's too cold out-tide.
What do you call Winnie the Pooh's Grandmother? Poonanny
I got to know that there are 15 child molesters in my area... So why do we always have to meet at my place? (Credits: Anthony Jeselnik)
What is Mexico's national sport? Cross country
Asked my toddler if she'd work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate "No." At least she's honest.
Mom: Wear your jeans! There are too many mosquitoes outside. Feminist daughter: Don't teach me what not to wear. Teach the mosquitoes how not to bite.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My girlfriend has a poop fetish NSFW I always give her shit for it
If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*date* GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs? LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.
Please stop looking so hot, I'm trying to stop liking you.
This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.
What do you call a monkey with a white bandanna tied to his tail? A surrender monkey
If you visit the president of Russia..... ......be sure to Putin a good word for me.
Why did Jon Snow need a new battery? For the watch.
Sean Connery was an excellent carpenter. he even wrote a book... "Shelf help."
Did year about the phone war between the iPhone 6s and Samsung s6 I hear the S6 has an edge.
What's a seal's favorite drink? Canadian Club on the rocks.
How do you make a witch scratch? Remove the w
The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it's TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years.
Oh you got "Swag"? Don't forget to put that on your Burger King Application.
A real "nonstop flight" would be terrifying.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.
Why was the Eunich Squirrel unhappy? Because he had no nuts.
"What do you mean there's not a secret passageway?" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers* "What do you mean there's not a secret passageway?"
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that's just wine.
girl are u a hyperlink in an email from my grandma, because I think u gave me a serious virus
A cabbage, a tap and a tomato had a race The Cabbage was ahead, the tap was running and the tomato tried to ketchup
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Why did the cows cross the road? They wanted to go to the mooo....vies
Dear Microsoft, If you had called it "Bang" instead of "Bing," you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.
Penis Enlarger My wife suggested I get a penis enlarger. So I did, she's 25 and her name is Kelly.
I tried to get a guy over to fix my window screen but we couldn't get our times to mesh.
What is a terrorist's favorite wine? White Infidel.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie into it
Good punctuation is the difference between... Helping your friend, jack, off a horse, -or- helping your friend jack off a horse...
[spelling bee] Your word is "redacted" can you use it in a sentence? The   is   and  .
What do you call a pretzel with roofies in it? Forget-me-knots!
*cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you
I don't dance. Unless it's for money.
A Wookie, a Stormtrooper, and Boba Fett walk in to a bar. They sit down and Boba Fett turns to the trooper and says, "I think that was the first time one of you guys actually hit something."
what idiot called it becoming a zombie and not waking up on the wrong side of the dead
The inventor of the calculator is one of the few people in life that actually made something that counts.
What's the definition of "relative humidity" in Arkansas? The amount of sweat you can lick off your fathers balls after sex.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
My neighbor was going out of town and asked if I'd feed their cat. I said sure... ...to what?
Saying someone is doing something "like a boss" to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
It didn't take long for Japan to illustrate Rousey's knockout. See? http://imgur.com/NSLx1SZ EDIT: Link works now.
me: i'm really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello kidnapper: pls stop talking
Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?
Doctor Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises!
I like my coffee how I like my women... Quiet.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus? Irritable Brawls in Rome
God I hate kids. And people. And animals. And sardines. And stuff that's alive. And stuff that's dead. I hate stuff. I like cheese.
Instead of yelling at jerk who cuts u off in traffic just chuck a realistic rubber snake in their window & yell "have at him Damian!"
Jewish kid asks his father for $50 ... His father replies: "Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
german jesus why jesus not born in germany?there was not three wise men and not one virgin around
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
A monster walked into the council rent office  with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other.  You see he was $15 in arrears.
How are tigers like sergeants in the army ? They both wear stripes !
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I met a girl with 12 nipples It sounds funny Dozen tit
My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
Whats the difference between a duck? One foots both the same!
Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to join search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
Two jumper cables walk into a bar.. The bartender says "I'm gonna serve you guys, but you have to promise not to start something".
A baby seal... ... walks into a club.
How can you tell if a Redditor is European? Don't worry, he'll tell you
What do you call something that is long hard and full of semen? A Submarine.
It was an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.
For my birthday my friends got me a sweater. I would have preferred a screamer or moaner, but a sweater was fine.
Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying "Home Alone" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
Oh that's neat so you're a Cancer? Wait...astrologically or to society?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Why can not Stevie Wonder read? Because he's black.
The only thing Bill Cosby did wrong was pudding. ...pudding his dick where it doesn't belong.
Why did Gandhi lose the race? I guess he got his fasts mixed up.
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called "Mein Cramps" What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Alright MythBusters, it's time to step it up. You're busting viral videos now? Next you're gonna tell me Toy Story 3 was bullshit.
What's a mathematician's favorite drug? dx/dc
You can't trust Atoms .. They make up everything
What's Mexican's Favourite Horror Movie Ju-Juan I'll see myself out.
Why shouldn't you kiss anybody on New Years Day? Because it's the first date.
The bartender poured me a scotch and asked me what I thought of it. I told her it was neat.
Just bought a copy of a talking holy book An Audibible.
Why are people afraid of Donald Trump? Because he's run more buildings into the ground than Al-Qaeda.
In Canada, she's Kilometery Cyrus.
Whats the most addictive drug you can formulate out of a piece of the human body? Hairoin
"Nailed it." -inventor of crucifixion
Rig Sour punch straw contest http://flavors.sourpunch.com that is the link. Make a Kiwi Flavor with Super Sour topping Named Hobae
Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
They can't spell for shit, but cats sure are good at Photoshopping text on photos and uploading them to the internet.
I just want a man who'll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's all meet at BP headquarters and pee in their lobby.
Donald has special needs. His small hands fit perfectly around our new shovel model. '8:D' Only today. Only here.
I'm not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
What is a nurse in the maternity ward's favorite kind of food? Delivery.
I know sitting down to pee makes me less manly but I stand up to poop so it all pretty much evens out.
I need to do just one more beheading & this will be the best New Year's revolution, ever!
The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!
I have the body of a 25 year supermodel... but it takes too much space in my freezer.
Yo mama is so fat, She's a Reddit admin.
Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
What is not a truck crashing into people? Nice.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is... ... a stainless steal.
it should be illegal for shipping & handling to cost more than the product
There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Knock Knock "Who's there?" "Kelly Clarkson boo" "Kelly Clarkson boo who?" "Stop crying, Kelly Clarkson."
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it's the alpacalypse
Kid: Hey, Mum! What's an orgasm? Mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.
A local caricature artist got arrested today I always thought he was a sketchy type of guy.
What is a sluts favourite drink? 7-Up in cider
Do you ever feel bored on reddit, because you read everything already? I guess you could say you've reddit already
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you're hardcore.
Why did Daenerys cross the road? To be that much closer to crossing the ocean.
[aquaman origin story] *falls out of boat* help! im drowni- oh... no, im good, actually
How are synagogues like lemons? They're full of acidic juice.
A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine He was soda pressed.
Yesterday I was telling my friend that my chiropodist improved my posture ... He pointed out that it was in fact my chiropractor. I stand corrected.
About to go out and make some foreign dude's night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I'll be ordering.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.. It was tense.
Jews rated their trip to Auschwitz... They all gave it one star.
I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles My next dump could spell disaster
What does an uncircumcised gangster say?.. "I cum from the hood"
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station.
Slave1: I never knew my parents Slave2: same Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river Slave1: do baskets float? Moses: they do not
Some people say filling animals with helium is wrong but i say, whatever floats your goat
I tried to break into the Apple Store but... ...the backdoor was locked and they didn't have any windows
How to tell if you suck at football... Hint: You call it soccer.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Donald Trump's Executive Plan for the next 4 years. 1. Make America Great Again 2. ? 3. Profit
What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals? He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
Why do women have periods? because they deserve them.
When my SO is sad, she likes to code. So I give her some &amp;nbsp
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn't scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Racial jokes: Put em here, let's see what ya got! How do you starve a black man? You put his food-stamps in his work boots!
This morning I called work and told them I came down sick with Anal Glaucoma. And I couldn't see my ass making it in to work today.
Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes? Last I heard, he was still at large.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?
What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend? Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?
What do you call a gay drive by? A Fruit roll up
What are snails trying to do? Their best
What do you call a magic dog in French? A magi-chien.
What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away? Semtex.
What was Monica Lewinsky's high school yearbook superlative? Most likely to suck seed.
[Cops at crime scene] Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet. Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
What's the worst part about viewing porn on a windows computer? The sticky keys.
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass!
[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter] Him: Hey sweetie how've you been? Her: I have a boyfriend Me: lmao *my daughter and I high five*
After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside! It was unfortunate.
School portraits would be way cooler if they were all mid-spaghetti-bite candids.
Remember the old times in the Internet? Where men are men, women are men, and the national security agents are young children.
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass.
If Hitler had a pet, what would it be? A dolphin
Why isn't there a middle finger emoji I swear I would use it 99% of the time
Listen. I may be a nerd, but I have had sex. Just ask my wife. (Please don't ask my wife.)
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it's open bar right?
Poison control sounds pretty easy. Most poisons can't even move.
My girlfriend asked me what I feel about being with her. I told her what I truly feel. Numbness radiating down my left arm.
What did Hitler say from heaven when the Russians took over Auschwitz Stop it that's Mein Kampf!
What does toilet paper and the Star Trek Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
what do you call someone with le neckbeard and le fedora le enlightened genius lol
What is Whitney houstons favorite type of coordination? HAAAANNNNNND EEEEYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEE
so a guy with a premature ejaculations problem comes out of nowhere
Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon? He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles
Guy: I want a room Receptionist: Sorry no rooms available G: My name is improvement R: So what? G: there is always a room for improvement !!!
My wife doesn't like it when I pee in the shower... Especially when I'm not in it... And she is.
A pirate walks into a bar... The bartender says, "are you aware that there is a wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "AAARGGHH it's driving me nuts!"
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list] What? What's wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
What is the difference between an onion and a hooker? I always cry when I cut an onion
What's brown and hides in the attic? The diarrhea of Anne Frank
Mexican and black jokes are all the same.. Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
The first time I took a Viagra it got stuck in my throat I had a stiff neck for 2 days
What does a pedophile and a guitarist have in common... They both like to finger A-minor.
I don't see the problem with suicide.. For me at least, it seems like a self solving issue.
I treat women like I do numbers.... If they're under 16, do them in your head.
Top three reasons he doesn't text you back: 1. He's just not that into you 2. He's imaginary 3. He's a cat
If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
What do you call a small dog? A subwoofer!
I used to be poor. Then I found a thesaurus now I am impecunious.
My greek friend just got charged with necrophilia His name was Nick Fukadacarkas
Jesus, take the wheel! *steering wheel disappears* *car careens into tree*
Come this Tuesday I will no longer be a 40 year old virgin. I will be a 41 year old virgin...
*points to person jogging outside through the snow* "Look kids, a lunatic"
3 men go to a strawberry stand... they buy some strawberries. They get stomach aches from eating the strawberries. They put on their hats and go off to work with stomach aches
Everyone wants to have sex, sluts are just successful. That's why we hate them. Stupid sluts.
It's everybodies favourite day of the year World IBD day! Ah shit, I'm missing a colon
[ouija board] Spirits im in need of your help O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S Sure W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D
Why should you bring two pairs of pants when you golf? In case you get a hole-in-one (stolen from some girl at school)
Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land never waves back
I know I know So what do you call a black woman who has had 9 abortions? A Crime Fighter!!!
I once played golf with a Kiwi The RSPCA showed up the next day.
Who is the bees favourite singer ? Sting !
q: what's black and would kill you if it jumped on you out of a tree? a: a grand piano
The English team visited an orphanage in brazil. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope",said Jose age 6.
Are you a cop from New York? Because you take my breath away.
What do you call it when a lizard has problems in the bedroom? A reptile dysfunction
Why is Obama pro gay marriage? Because he is a cock sucker
Why can't you play UNO with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards.
Dr Watson asks Sherlock Holmes... "Holmes, why are you spreading fruit juice on my buttocks?" "Lemon entry dear Watson, Lemon entry"
Would you like to go see a meteor shower? What are you some kind of pervert?!?
Who is Ed McMahon's favorite Japanese Filmmaker? Hiyooooo Miyazaki.
You're in love? Cool, I'm in sweatpants.
One lab mouse to another: I've trained that crazy human at last. How have you done that? I don't know how but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell he gives me a piece of cheese.
Why chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.
Sometimes cops don't believe it when I explain that my mom's dying wish was to keep her cremated ashes inside a bag of blow in my glove box.
An unemployed engineer... if ( engineer == employed() ) { print "Meh"; } else { make_a_stupid_joke (); }
Q: What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument? A: A tuba toothpaste.
Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
Stupid science joke Calcium Carbonate gets into an argument with his friend, electron. "Why do you always have to be so negative?" "Shut up, you're just basic!"
never heard this before Knock knock Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who ? DISH IS SEAN CONNERY
My ex would always skip a letter when reciting the alphabet... She never said y
Why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing.
Why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing!
Chuck Norris can't play LIFE. his is too complicated
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!
Despite my drinking, I can honestly say I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman But man I've woke up with a few.
What happens when someone spills really hot coffee on you? You will get burned, you idiot.
People that start a sentence with "Now I'm not trying to be rude" are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
For the first time in forever, I used the term "oopsie-daisy". Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone's baby?
[board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "Uh no."
I told her I had lightning quick reflexes... Sounds better than premature ejaculator...
A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Ten years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."
My local policeman does a tall on heroin. I don't know why, we can never understand a word he says.
Fruit flies can fly, but most fruit can't, do you know which one can? Banana Skin
Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but saran wrap... The psychiatrist looks at the man and says "I can clearly see you're nuts..."
Doctor, reading chart: "Says here you're improving!" Doctor: "...Oops." *slowly turns chart rightside up*
Which two regions have the most people named John? SEA / NA
I can get into aquariums for free, because I donated a whale! I guess my ex's sister was useful for something after all.
There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken... ...It's motherfucking good.
"Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint." - mafia spelling bee.
Who was the marketing genius who decided to call killer whales "killer whales" instead of "sea pandas"???
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
Mayweather's formula of victory Victory = (Hugs + Runs) * 12
Whenever I talk about me and friend doing something, it's a good bet that my friend is actually a pizza.
What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector? One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach... ... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.
What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor? Two Towers.
Just when I thought we'd avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cape to wear and whoosh noises to make.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I have a friend whose thighs don't touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Ringing the doorbell.... ...don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
A: Have you heard that joke they don't tell retards? B: No, I don't think that I have. A: "..."
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
*loses 100 pounds in the US* yes *loses 100 pounds in England* no
Just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the England team. Yep she got off the bus look abit confused and then got back on went home.
I saw the most unnecessary roundabout the other day... ...it was literally pointless
Dont like dogs They can be a bit RUFF!
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."
Wow this vegetarian rock music is really good. It's like nothing I've ever herbivore
How to ride an escalator Step 1.
I call my printer Bob Marley. Because it's always Jammin'.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find.
What did the super-fan sheep say to Obama? You Bahhhhhh-Rock!
At what time does a dentist have the most business? Tooth-hurty
What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band? Sleigher
What do iPhone 7 and the lastest trailer Pirates of the Carribean 5 have in common? They have no Jack.
What did the hat say to the other hat? You stay here. I'll go on a head.
What's the difference between a cockerel and a prostitute? A cockerel says cock-a-doodle-do. Whereas a prostitute says any-cock-will-do.
What do you call an Alabama woman who can run faster than her brother? virgin
Are "authorities" ever not " baffled?"
The best things in life are free. Stealing is awesome.
The best thing about having a penis is .. Sharing it with people who don't have one :P
Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn't it a bit late to zombiefy yourself? Her: What's zombiefy? Me: ...Your hair looks great!
If you order a salad in Texas, you get a bowl of ranch dressing with a chunk of iceberg lettuce, 89 croutons & a chicken fried steak on top.
girl you're like the water in flint, michigan you quench my thirst but i know you'll slowly kill me
Jennifer Aniston's dance scenes as a stripper in "We're The Miller's" are totally Oscar worthy. Oscar is my nickname for my penis.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,"I'm in this now."
What should you do if a monster runs  through your front door? Run through the back door.
Real Road Signs (What they mean) "Rough road" (Road sucks) "Construction zone" (Unattended orange cone zone) "Lanes shift" (Confusing af)
*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door* *Lets nature run its course*
chuck norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried.
A very short ginger joke The only soul a ginger has is on their feet.
The key to success is sincerity... Once you can fake that, you're golden.
All good Dick jokes... are well concocted.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I love wearing my "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt... I have no friends.
I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
[running from cop] *cop catches me* "Get on the ground or I'll taze ya" *pulls jellyfish from pocket* "Look they were all out of tazers"
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Megasaurass.
What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen ? A viper !
"Dad, what does it take to become a writer?" "A job."
You always agree with me and like what I say even if you don't believe me. What am I? An upvote
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.
I was walking down the street with my wife.. And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough." From Les Dawson.
I'll be getting a 4.0 this semester... When a girl rates me out of 10
Bill Cosby admitted drugging women.. ...when he was questioned later about how he managed to sedate so many women he said simple, I put it in their pudding. I'll get my coat.
What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro? zika blyat
Why do irish fried beans only have 239 beans? Because the extra bean would be too farty.
I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.
What smells bad and sounds like a bell? Dung! Get it?!
Hillary Clinton and Donald trump both are in the same car, who should be the driver? The police
If others are jealous, you're doing something right.
Mark Zuckerberg stole Facebook from my friend, Craig Facebook
What's the name of the yoga pose where you're hunched over your kitchen sink shoving handfuls of cereal into your mouth?
Did you hear about all the butterball turkeys that got recalled? The balls weren't buttered. Thanks to my grandpa for that one. It's his annual thanksgiving joke.
I'm not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
What an adorable idea. My coworkers have been writing names on food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.
There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35. And those flashing lights on top of your car looks ridiculous!
Don't give a women flower, she may have hay fever. Don't give her chocolate, she may be on a diet! Give her wifi so there's no excuse.
If thieves ever broke into my house, searching for money... ...I'd just laugh and search with them.
#NAME?
How did the white girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do an essay. (ese)
Most women turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out for women turning
Whats a famous piece of shit, that hates mexicans? Tronald Dump
What do you get if you cross Michael J Fox with a dildo? A vibrator.
How bad was the Rio 2016 Olympic? None of the North Korean athletes defected.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I'll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation
NASA spent 1.5mil on a pen that works in space. Russia putin a pencil.
What did the poop say to the pee when he was hitting on her? I may be a two but your an eight..
What is the Beatles' favourite social media site? REDDIT BE
They say the average male has sex 89 times per year. Though, I heard that result was just because one guy had sex 17.7 billion times in the year the data was collected.
I've clicked on every shady ad that I've seen for the past 12 years. My penis is now 648 feet long.
*makes direct eye contact with an vaginas* what in the fuck kind of a boobs are this
I'm emotionally constipated I haven't given a shit in days.
I'm really good at acting like I'm sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
What does a gay horse eat? HAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY
Have you heard? McDonalds is partnering with Nintendo and Niantic! Prepare for trouble And make it a McDouble
Does Canada even have a president? Or is it just whichever moose has the strongest antlers?
What does an Asian person say when asked, "does the carpet match the drapes?" I don't have a carpet; I have an Oriental rug.
I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets. Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million. Kids, don't stay in school.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy  goat? A crashing bore.
"Just Do It" - Nike/Alcohol
My mom got one of the bracelets that help you with balance, so I pushed her into the shelf at walmart. It doesn't work.
I told you I'll be there in 5 minutes, stop calling me every half an hour!
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.
LinkedIn would be richer than Facebook if they charged $200 to never get another email from LinkedIn.
*deathbed* All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family* getting down to this... sick... beat *dies* *widow rolls eyes*
What do you call a canadian enchilada? A centimeter-alada
What is trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate... Tell me if you can come.
Why didn't Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Steve Jobs's death was a conspiracy. He was murdered by his brother, Inside Jobs.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma go to a bar. They both had a great time.
The tip of my tongue is sore, and I just can't think of why that is.
what do you call a Cow with no legs? ground beef. what do you call a cow with three legs? lean beef. what do you call a cow with two legs? your mother.
The rotation of the earth. Really makes my day.
If there's a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.
How does a pig write home? With a pig pen.
Who proofread Hitler's speeches? A grammar nazi
How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip? Bring two Mormons.
I can't figure out why my son hates me. Tim hates you? No, my other son. I can't remember his name. I just call him "not Tim"
I just 'borrowed' $20 from my teenage daughter. She's such an idiot.
I think my neighbor is stalking me... as I saw her googling my name on her computer last night.I saw it through my telescope.
It's been quite a while since I saw a movie with Jane, Henry, or Bridget I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.
Why was the skunk arrested for  counterfeiting? Because he gave out bad scents (cents).
My friend told me I didn't "understand" irony. But then he got a flat tire. Oh, the sweet irony.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
What did the sassy monkey say to the bad monkey? You don't deserve a banana.
Q( - _-)________o__Q(-_ - ) Asian Ping Pong Match
All the liberals want to move to Canada... What's wrong with Mexico, you racist fucks?
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? There were so many Knights
"You're under arrest for trespassing." "On what grounds?" -FromJokester4Android
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dogs
Why didn't the bunny hop? No bunny knows... :(
What do I do after I die? Idk EDIT: Read the letters out loud :)
I've just left feedback for my second hand telescope I bought from eBay. Rubbish; 2 Stars.
What is the best definition of irony? irony irne/ noun a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.
Did you hear the one about the guy who could never remember the punchline? It...um...it was a pretty good one.
Stay out of my dreams if you're not going to be there when I open my eyes
I was pretty sure I've been dead and in hell for the past three hours until I was informed the air conditioner isn't working.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...
As a stay at home dad, I have more in common with lingerie models than you might think. We both are in our underwear most of our work day.
I went to the Space and Air Museum in Indiana... I paid $20 just to see an empty warehouse.
Me: "Bless me father, it's been 13,505 days since my last confession." Priest: "You're off to a bad start."
I was gonna wear my camouflage pants this morning... But I couldn't find them
Found this in r/funny "When I said to nuke the Chinese, I meant to put the takeout in the microwave!"
What do you call an anorexic.. What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection? Quarter-pounder with cheese
What came first, the Chicken or the Egg? That depends on which one you had for starters
Knock knock... Who's there? Cow. Cow who? COWWHOBUNGA DUDE ._.
BRO DOCTOR "Well, looks like we're going to have to check that prostate lol no homo" BRO DOCTOR
Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey? A few billion dollars worth of improvements
What's the worst thing you can hear when Willy Nelson is going down on you? I'm not Willy Nelson
Two guys are busted stealing a calender The both got 6 months
My friend is addicted to brake fluid... ...but he says he can stop anytime
I have blue eyes. I got them from my father. My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.
(No spoilers) What did Daredevil say after begrudgingly agreeing with The Punisher's brutally honest opinion that he's just a half-measure? "You're such a Frank Castle."
So Jesus walks into a hotel... Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the receptionist 3 nails. He asks the receptionist, 'Could you put me up for the night?'
Having sex is like multiplying numbers together If they're under 13, just do them in your head.
What did the dyslexic Satanist do? He sold his soul to Santa.
What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society
What's the benefit of having sex with 24 year olds? There's 20 of them.
Apparently I took my elderly neighbor's offer to "come inside" a bit too far. Anyway, totally in jail.
I don't know if I should go after that ghost or not. ~Drunk Pac-Man
Me: Is there any particular way you don't want your name pronounced? Percy: Not per se
In WW2 my granddad broke the enigma code... machine.
TIL if you type your password for all to see it gets censored. Look: 1337Penis Edit: GOD DANG IT
My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana
What's the President's favorite vegetable? Barackoli
Wanna play guns? Bend over and I'll cock you.
What do you a paralyzed gangster? A crip.
Scaring the postman I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I know where he lives.
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig, It might not be a very beautiful poem, but at least, it's quite deep.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should go for it, slow down, or just stop!
For every 10,000 references to incest in the GOT books George RR Martin gets to add another R to his name. (He was born Geoge Matin.)
I know the voices in my head aren't real but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!
Bought myself a really tight fit bomber jacket the other day But once I had got it on it wouldnt go off...
where are opie and anthony from? ethiopia
You know you're tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it's easier to get up or just live there now
I like to name my hotdog "The Moment"... ...so I can relish it
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My New Year's Resolution 1920x1080
A Game of Thrones Joke What do Theon Greyjoy and Justin Timberlake have in common? A dick in a box.
I deleted all my german friends on my contant list on my phone... Now its Hans free.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
I'm going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
I was caught stalking David Cameron today I told the police that I was simply following the political movement.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Three words to ruin a man's ego...? "Is it in?"
My kid wants pizza without the crust AND a side of breadsticks. It appears I've given birth to everything that's wrong with America.
Since Justin Bieber has the "Beliebers" and Lady Gaga has the "Little Monsters" I'd like to name Robin Thicke's fans "Thickeheads."
Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don't know it yet
When it comes to distinguishing male genitalia from female genitalia... There's a Vas Deferens.
You could tell my parents hated me... My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Use a lubricant
"Of course you're the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you're making out with someone. That'll show him you're still crazy AF.
"Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex," exclaimed my girlfriend, "I've had enough, I'm leaving." I said, "Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?"
What's my favourite kind of trans-fat? Chaz Bono
"Well, my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape."  Bob Toblerone to rival chocolate manufacturer.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
What do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene What do you call an Asian woman with one leg? Irene
What does a goose do What can a goose do, that a duck can't, and that your lawyer should ? Stick his bill up his ass.
What did the spaceman see in his frying pan? An unidentified frying object.
When I think of all the money I've spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
What's the difference between two dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
A blind man walks into a Fifty Shades of Grey theater takes a deep breath and says " MMM ... I guess I'm at a fish market"
How do you blindfold an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
My standards for women are the same as my standards for juice. Five and Alive.
My GF is like my treasure... I buried her in my backyard yesterday.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
All I'm saying is, I've never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer
Guess what I got asked at the hairdresser's earlier. Fucking everything.
You are? Follow instructions. Say - Eye Spell-map Say-ness
Sad news about the Michelin Man.. He's retyred..
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Why did Darwin love CSS? Because children inherit properties from their parents.
Tumblr actually likes Preston Garvey That's it, that's the joke.
my test required a number two, pencil i thought it was a pretty shitty requirement
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the 'Silver Table Cat' wasn't a real species, and that we didn't own a pet, we owned a toaster
What goes clop clop clop - BANG! BANG! BANG! - clop clop clop? An Amish drive-by shooting
How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff? Straight jack it.
How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it. [Source](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes)
[on deathbed - calls for son] ".....if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it....."
My friend said he found a website that represents my sex life. I tried to look for it and an error came up saying, "404-Not found". Strange, I must have a bad connection.
I wonder what Hillary Clinton will do after she dies.... Most likely she'll lie still
Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the Internet? Click Whittington
A Jew, a black, and a Muslim are on a frozen lake, not talking to each other... ...so I thought I would go over there and break the ice.
I'm starting an A Capella group with five other ill tempered pedophiles. We're called Six Dicks in A Minor.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they've been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Bunch of good one-liners
As an Asian, puberty doesn't hit us... our parents do.
Why does it take so long when Satan is in front of you in line at the post office? Because the devil takes many forms.
A student walks up to their teacher. Student: "Teacher, would you ever get mad at me for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "Of course not! why?" Student: "Because I didn't do my homework"
How do you know your sister is having her period? (Sick danish humor) NSFW When your fathers dick taste like blood.
I bought a timeshare on a racehorse. It's a nightmare.
Ladies: we're not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.
I hate and despise violence In fact, the very thought of it makes me want to beat the shit out of someone
What's the real reason why SJWs hate guns? They don't come with trigger warnings.
What do you call an army of toddlers? Infantry.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they
Are you pudgey? Cause you have me hooked!
What's the worst thing to hear during a prostate exam? Look! No hands!
You know why there are very few American bees these days? They are being replaced by H1Bees.
What's green slimy and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger.
The wind of Chuck Norris's round house kick can be felt from 1600 miles away
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino
Why is the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of Pasta? Because "made of bread" was already taken by Jesus.
Why did Will die? Because the commanding officer told his soldiers: "Fire at will"
How many walruses does it take to make a sandwich? Don't be silly, walruses don't make sandwiches; women make sandwiches. Made this up to bug my sister. It worked. Her husband laughed.
Went early to my Tantric Sex class last night... Was told to come later.
My dog is called cigarette as he's got no legs Every evening I take him for a drag
Does an Eskimo ever think about drizzling their house with delicious flavored syrups and eating it?
Why did the boy take a ladder to school? He wanted to go to high school.
What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg? Balan Singh.
I cannot stand sitting beside a racist person. because its impossible to sit and stand simultaneously..
Confucious say Man walking down the street carrying a 5-disc CD changer... ...is either walking to or from the Salvation Army.
Where do Crows hang out on a friday nght? At a crow bar.
Policewoman: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Driver: Boobs.
I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescendant con descending.
What will latent pedophiles pay a hooker extra to wear? pedo-pushers
So my buddy was going down... On his grandmother, and he told me he realized he was tasting horse semen... That's when he thought. "I wonder if that's what killed her or not? "
Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I'm Irish.
What do you call a girl without arms and legs? A fuck nugget
Honey, let's make this cactUS a cacti. What I'm saying is I want a divorce, and I'm taking the cactus with me.
Her: I love your lip gloss. What brand is it? Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It's donut glaze.
What do you call a pimp without a cane? A caneless pimp.
People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.
I wake up every day in a house built by slaves -Melania Trump, 2020
Today I've decided to rename things in the office to start with "i" like Apple. There's iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday...
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:1) Crimes2) Accidents 3) MarriagesNeed I say more?
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place? With scare spray.
I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that's what makes me a woke bae.
What do you call a farmer who's excellent at what he does? Outstanding in his field
Lady: How old's your son? Me: He's 3. Lady: Wow, he has great hand eye coordination. Me: You should see him play Grand Theft Auto, he sucks
I'm so depressed, Radiohead is cheering me up.
If I ever had a one night stand and the guy texted me the next day and said "nice to meat you"... I'd marry him.
What happened when the monster kissed his one  true love? He left lip prints on the mirror!
LIKE if you've already broke one of your New Year's Resolutions.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an AR 15? One is responsible for the deaths of Americans, the other is an inanimate object.
Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I got a girlfriend.
*dog runs for president* *is asked race sensitive question "The thing is, I don't see color" *crowd goes wild*
Limericks eh ? There was this girl from Boston, Mass. She wade into the sea and wet her ankles, it doesn't rhyme now, but just wait until the tide comes in
I'm impressed with my mom's commitment to saying the word 'the' before every noun. Example: the Walgreens, the AIDS, the Fox News, the Adele
You ever wonder why Sewage workers are so depressed? They're always down in the dumps
Just found an inch-long hair growing from my earlobe. Does this mean I can finally join the X-Men?
How do you castrate a guy from Kentucky? Kick his sister in the jaw.
"Do you come here often", she asked... "No, usually in my belly button", I replied.
What's the best way to announce that you're lactose-intolerant I'm allergic to Wait for it Dairy
What do you call a lying rooster? A cock you wouldn't believe!
You know a girl is too young for you... If you have to make the aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth Credit: Jimmy Carr
What do you call a cheap maid uniform? Maid in China.
Did you hear about the scarecrow that got promoted? He was outstanding in his field...
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors? To see the battle.
I don't believe Africans poach rhinos. They don't have enough water to fill a pan that size.
What's the difference between Chuck Schumer and Tom Brady Tom Brady is a Patriot and a winner. (Thank you Dennis Miller)
Whats about 9 inches and makes a woman scream? Cot death.
Son: "Dad, can we talk about the sex with my girlfriend?" Dad: "Sure. What's up, buddy?" Son: "Could you please stop doing it?"
This one is new in the market.. Sometimes blonde jokes are so blonde..
A Muslim cannibal walks into a bar The bar tender says, 'Wow, is it true that human meat tastes like pork?" The Muslim says "How am I supposed to know? I'm a Muslim, I don't eat pork."
What's the difference between a blimp and a blow job every day? One's a Goodyear, the other's a fucking awesome year!
Apparently "you have great tweets" sounds a lot like "you have great tits" in a crowded bar.
The disabled vet So my buddy is a disabled vet. It's really sad because he got injured on the job. Turns out he's not very good with animals.
Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day. Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.
What's even harder to find than Bigfoot, UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, and diamonds in Minecraft? The real download button on Softpedia.com
What's the difference between r/politics and r/sandersforpresident? The url.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[blood bank] Doc inserts needle [turns around] YOU AGAIN! [vampire sucking on tube like straw] GO ON SCOOT [chases him from room with broom]
Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? It was two-tired. *Slaps knee* *Prosthetic leg falls off*
Whats the opposite of progress? Congress
What does a Astronaut that likes to play Basketball eat for Breakfast Space Jam I hope this hasn't been posted yet
Failed my biology test today... ...They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.
When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? aye matey
What do feminists and Redditors have in common? They both have multiple triggers that will cause them to down vote those who don't think the exact same way as them.
Dance like you aren't depressed. Sing like you didn't kill that homeless guy. Love like you don't have herpes.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
What does Snoop Dogg keep in his backyard? His garden hoes.
My grandpa dropped this one on me over the phone. I'll see you in church, make sure you sit by the window.
Why does corn in Illinois lean east? Because Indiana sucks and Iowa blows.
We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
What's the difference between Karate and Judo? Karate is a martial art, and Judo is what they make bagels from.
why isn't thunder called soundning
It takes balls to be a man.
What's the difference in Xbox One and your mother? I genuinely care about your mother.
I tried to duck it, but I just wasn't quack! enough.
Why can't Mexicans cross the border in three's? Because there's no TRESpassing
I am not an alcoholic An alcoholic needs a drink, I have a drink.
What do you call an Irish lesbian? Gaelic
"If you want something badly enough you'll never give up." -psychopaths
I'm just like Batman I have to get out of bed at night quite often.
What's the difference between the England football team and a teabag? The teabag stays longer in the cup.
Everything is made in China. Except for babies. They're made in VaChina.
What Do People Have In Common With Jellybeans? Nobody likes the black ones.
What do a Russian pimp call his prostitute? Slobberonmadickyabitch
According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job Me: Toilet paper
Why did Gateway computers go out of business? Because they led to stronger and addictive computers.
Why did the chicken cross the street? **DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR LIFE!**
What is Jesus' favorite video game on earth? I am bread.
What do you call someone whose filed bankruptcy 4 times and divorced twice? A GOP Presidential candidate.
ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it's difficult to read, but i'd hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne
So, uh... How about that airplane food? Edit: I'm so sorry.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
A man walks into a zoo with only one animal, a dog... It was a shitzu
Just bought a white pool stick... Now, I shoot better then the rest of my school.
Why does doctor pepper come in a can? Because his wife is dead
Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
Ha ha! Clinton-Dix
Psychologists say that the left half of the brain is responsible for both kleptomania and numeracy. It's the taking part that counts.
A guy came to me with a bag in his hand. He said "If you can guess how many donuts are in this bag... I'll give you both of them."
what's the worst part for a zombie about eating a vegetable? the wheelchair.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard!
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
Once a person turns 60, the "reply all" feature should no longer be available to them when sending emails.
Doctor doctor I've only got 59 seconds to live. Wait a minute please.
A Gnome Joke What do you call a gnome who's highly fashionable and likes to produce regular, metrical beats? A Metrognome
What kind of donuts did Bob Marley prefer? The ones with Jam in
What's the difference between an apple and a hormone? You can't hear an apple
Explained to my client that he shouldn't put "urgent" in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as "urgent urgent".
Papa Johns delivered to the World Trade Center on 9/11... They were 2 large plains.
What do you call a group of animals who decides to kill themselves? Mass zooicide.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
An Arab is shaking a carpet on the window.A guy sees from below and asks: What's wrong with it? Doesn't start?
[spider confronting me] him: yo did you steal my coat? me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine
For Sale: Dwarf Jacuzzi Can also be used as a foot spa.
Dozing off during Sportscenter and waking up an hour later in the same clip is every guy's version of Memento.
Prominently display feminine hygiene products in your living space to let him know your eggs are still viable.
There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania... the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.
Heard this one in history class. North Korea threatened to bomb the US and France immediately surrendered.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
What happened to the gay wizard? (mildly offensive maybe) He went off with a poof.
What's the difference between a bull and a cow? A bull smiles when you milk it.
Hey, people "liking" Walmart on Facebook - you OK?
Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? It only takes 1 nail to hang the painting.
I hear Bristol Palin is pregnant again... Ever since Trig was born, she's been Down to fuck.
I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?
Niantic title
Why did that guy shoot up the church in South Carolina? He thought it was the white thing to do.
Why was the Facebook post redundant? Because I already reddit
[Hostage situation] Um I don't want to be "that hostage", but I just want to let you know I have a gluten allergy.
"Pick a lane! Any lane!" - I hate commuter magicians.
Just saw The Imitation Game & it was FILLED with historical inaccuracies about World War II. They don't even mention Captain America at all.
Supply drops I was going to tell a joke about supply drops, but you wouldn't get it.
Why would you go to a psychiatrist? When you can just kill yourself
Round the Mountain by Sheelagh B. Cummin
Men are great masochists After all, they spend most of the teen years beating themselves while looking for someone to do it for them
I got some used paint In the shape of a house.
This kid at my nephew's birthday party shit his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option.
Drake Lyrics I was running and I stubbed my fuckin toe, you know how that shit go, I went down to the floor
And Lord said unto John... "Come forth and receive eternal life" But John came 5th... He got a toaster
What is Michael J Fox's favourite song? Shake It Off by Tayler Swift
How did the Latino girl get pregnant Her teacher told her to do an essay
What kind of bee can never be understood? A mumble-bee.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Reddit, why do people masturbate? I came here to explain.
*hires skywriter Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Don't be silly, Californians screw in hot tubs!
*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here
I saw some guy stealing my front gate... -"I saw some guy stealing my front gate." -"Didn't you say anything?" -"No, I thought he'd take a fence."
Supposedly a banana a day can help prevent colon cancer Doc forgot to mention you're supposed to eat them.
Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow? It was Terror bull.
My friend and I saw a hobo sleeping in the park with a memory foam pillow... My friend turned to me and said, "What a truly lucky man!"
Where do Russian cows come from? Moscow!
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet But I don't know why...
Several toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I'm like the human version of that.
Two guys walked into a bar... ...the third one ducked.
What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America? Antiquing.
Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit? Because thyme heals all wounds. :D
A drunk law undergrad walks into a bar... ...the invigilator kicks him out.
"Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop." -corduroys
My friend told me that he saw a bowl so big that it was the size of Australia. Which I replied, "Wanna know whats also the size of Australia? Australia.
Americans: Muslims are so violent Me: ok but police co- Americans: shut up. Don't judge a group of people based off a select few.
A nun walks into a grocery store Nun: "Hi I'd like to buy a cucumber." Clerk: "Well, why don't you buy two, so you can eat one."
So, two elephants are in a bathtub, when one of them says, "pass the soap", and the other one says, "No soap: Radio!"
You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.
What does Batman do for Father's Day? Nothing
Amsterdam is like a tour de France - it's full of people on bikes and drugs. -- Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam
What do you call someone with one arm and no legs? Names
Congratulations West Ham The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.
How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? #
Why can't you trust any Adam? They make up everything.
[Twister] DOG 1: left paw green DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My girlfriend invited me to have some cyber-sex... I thought it was gonna be just some us time but it turned out it was a 4G!
The quickest way to immigrate to America... Is on a one way ticket to Mexico.
Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed) The cake jumps out of the girl.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically. I made one yesterday, but it had no reaction.
Mathematicians have found a new, advanced strand of Ebola... called Hyper-bola I'm sorry :(
I met a girl called simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
What is a red haired persons favorite alcohol? Ginger Ale
When picking partners for a trust fall . . . . . . Always choose the ground. The ground will always catch you.
How to pass the Bechdel Test "Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt."
Turkey shoots down Russian jet it's too soon to tell, but insiders report his actions were in hopes of receiving a presidential pardon before thanksgiving hits.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have? No chance of blocking an uppercut.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby? One is still dicking bimbos while the other was dicking still bimbos.
What's the difference between the jokes from today and next week's jokes? The posters.
How come Miss Piggy couldn't talk? She had a frog in her throat.
Where can you find the best joke book in the world? The Seattle Seahawks play book. Edit: sorry for the typo.
I'm guessing that most people who claim to "count calories" are really bad at math.
"911, what's the emergency?" we were robbed. they stole the wireless router "calm down" also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
How do you know when someone is a single mother? Don't worry! They will tell you!
So a vegan sits down at a bar... I only know that because he won't shut the fuck up about it.
You know why ancient Greek children were always getting lost from their parents? 'Cause they kept Roman around!
I like Mitt Romney because he looks like the model in every stock photo of a businessman on a flip phone in 2002.
God said to Jon "Come forth, and recieve eternal life." But Jon came fifth, and won a toaster.
What's the Easter Bunny's favorite song? "Don't you want some bunny to love"
Why didn't Hitler participate in the marathon? ... Because he can't finish a race.
How did I get the balls to write such a grotesque joke? Gruesome.
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the boy? Hey kid, you want to buy some candy?
Hansel: how are we gonna get home Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs
So I called the suicide hotline earlier... I was answered with, "Thank you for calling Mr. Archipelago0. We will be processing your request shortly."
Pop's Chicken Q: What did popeye do after he turned black? A: He made his own restoraunt.
My sister lost her voice and told me this joke
If you commit 90 sins, u will get caught 45 times. Why? Because Sin 90 = Cot 45!
Got caught checking out another woman? Turn to your woman and say "Did you see how ugly that girl's hair was?"
"There is no spoon" -Post-Coital Keanu Reeves
What do Ryan Lochte and the water in Rio have in common? They're both full of shit.
What's a pedophile's favorite musical key? A minor Hahahahahaha I'm making music flashcards and I'm soooo bored :/
PUN MEGATHREAD Post your punniest, worst, most awful puns here
I walked into a locker room today, and saw a bunch of members of Donald Trump's new administration standing around completely nude... ... I've never seen so many Goldman sacks!
Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot, kinda gross, and picked up at the gas station.
What would you find on a German fire truck? Ladder-hosen
Did you hear Obtuse Angle lost weight? He looks all right now.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?  My all time favorite joke. Sorry if it has already been posted but who has the time to browse all of r/jokes.
White guy is very frightened when he saw a black guy Black Guy: Hey man, why are yo scared, because ima black huh?, you racist scum White Guy: What are you doing in my house?
*waiter lays down my plate* "Can I get u anything else?" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok
What do you call an Jihadi Terrorist who just escaped prison? a free radical..
[giant fork knocks at my door] "Excuse me sir do you have any spoons?" [a family of spoons are cowering in my kitchen drawer] "um...no sir?"
A priest, a child abuser and just plain pedophile went to a bar. And he ordered one drink.
What is Kanye West's favourite kind of omelette? Omeletteyoufinish -stolen from raininginreverse on tumblr.
I play music for the National Alzheimer's Awareness club "Somebody I used to know" probably wasn't the best song to pick
Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care
What happened to the frog's illegally parked car? It got toad away
What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables? A cannibal.
A vegetable walks into a bar... Just kidding, he'll never walk again.
In Soviet Russia, Romans do as we do.
What's a pirates favorite type of thread? Yaaaaarn.
What does the alcoholic drink when he complains wine (kinda sorry)
A Dietitian X Nun's favourite song? Agave Maria
Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack
If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
What sound does a subatomic Cow make? Muuuuuuon
You should all be proud if me, guys. I got a designated driver for tonight. He's my nephew, and he's six, but he's drank way less than me.
What do you call titty fucking underwater? The breast stroke
I decided to come to my friends as transparent they saw right through me.
A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
Damn girl Just $5 for a blowjob? You have syphigonnaidsitis or something?
My girlfriend called me a pedophile That's a big word for a 12 year old
A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender "I'll have a gin...and tonic." Bartender says "OK, but why the pause?" "I was born with them."
What rock group has 4 men that do not sing? Mt. Rushmore
If your mom calls you a son of a bitch, you might be a redneck.
How would you try to sleep with a fat girl? oh, sorry, i misspelled "why"...
Can you think of any snake jokes? Because I serpently can't.
For the next two days you can call me Edward... I'll be snowed in
Why did Hitler visit the optometrist so much? cause he could nazi
Riot's Responce to Sandbox Mode Edit: Response
I recently found out that my aunt is both a bigot and illiterate when... she refused to shop at the local fabric store because they were having a sale, but it was only for muslins.
Do you kiss your boyfriend with that mouth? No, my boyfriends not gay.
Post that you're pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments. Tweet that you're pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober! Wow! Never thought it would happen
You ever heard of Oedipus? That guy's a real motherfucker.
If a tree falls in the forest...... If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy.. with interlocked fingers.. INTERLOCKED FINGERS? send bail money!
Turns out my vasectomy didn't stop us from having more kids. Turns out my vasectomy didn't stop us from having more kids, it just made them a different colour.
Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.
Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they come in wet and wild, and leave with your house and car.
It's the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
A big upside to marriage is never having to take time to google shit, your spouse already knows everything.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille....nnn.....I just love smell of campfires.
What's the difference between a Jew and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney :(
Looks like Trump is going to lose the presidency I guess his erection is going cost him the election
What's Richard Nixon's favorite game? I spy.
Hi my name is Richard. I'm a husband and it's been 3 months since my last decision.
A recent report shows that Gangs are now using dogs instead of knives, I tried this. My toast was very hairy
How does Michael J Fox take his martinis? Shaken. Not stirred
Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.
My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I've got some news for her.
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
What would you call a restaurant for anorexics? The Empty Plate...
A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin. It eats shoots and leaves.
sorry I had to unfriend you on Facebook after you accepted my Facebook friend request one second after I sent it to you at 3 in the morning
Twitter has ruined me. Just wrote "we'll deliver your load on time" for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I'm on a version of the Paleo Diet where I eat anything I want knowing that my fossilized remains will be plenty thin in 2.5 million years.
Kids these days have Wikipedia... When I was a kid, all I had was a drunk uncle.
What do grapefruit and vaginas have in common? The pinker the better and they're both an acquired taste.
3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack.
Bathroom joke What's the difference between sanctuary and prison? Toilet paper.
What type of rock is this Holmes? It's sedimentary my dear Watson!
There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe...call in sick tomorrow.
I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.
There are four states of matter: Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.
What does a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, and a wife have in common? Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day... Give him a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
I hate when I mean to type 'porn links' but I type 'pork links' and then suddenly I'm horny AND hungry.
Guy walks up to a Canadian and says "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?" The Canadian says "That was my wife."
I haven't been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn't lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I've told to cops.
Actual voice mail: "Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
Olympic Sailing results are in! Denmark have taken gold Finland have taken silver Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise
Mike Tyson is a passionate, sensitive man, who cries after making love. ...because of the mace.
People: Are you single? me: no i'm Album
SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised They do not look surprised at all
You don't need to put "narcissist" in your bio. This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
When I'm furious at another driver I roll down my window, thrust my head out & whisper "wow you drive really inconsiderate" into the wind
Leave it to the military to take a fun activity like a clusterfuck and put a negative spin on it.
What's the difference between yogurt and the US? Yogurt's got a culture. (no offence)
Doc: Let's check your reflexes. Me: I have the reflexes of a cat. Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer* Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc's eyes out*
Announcer: "Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!" [crowd goes nuts] A: "Well too bad, here's Coldplay"
What happens if you put a mirror in a garage? A mirage!
Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel? He called it "Cheeses of Nazareth".
Misunderstood gift! My lesbian neighbours gave me a rolex for my birthday. Really sweet of them, but i think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch""
Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
I like my women like I I like my coffee.. Ground up and in the freezer.
*gets down on one knee* Wow, you really suck. Why can't you be more like the other knee?
What is a Redditor's favorite car brand? The Snoobaru.
You're not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person's name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook
I made a device that lets me hear diseases. Hearing cancer is great and all, but hearing AIDS sucks.
Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar.. ..and it burns to the ground and it's finally safe to turn the radio back on.
whats white with red stripes and crawls slowly over the floor? Freshly whipped masochist!
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would've stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
My girlfriend told me my dick was two inches bigger than her ex!! Then it dawned on me she used to be a lesbian :(
"OH MY GOD YOU'RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I'M A DOG TOO" - dogs
What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit? Johnny Cash.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Why was the dolphin sad? Because it had no porpoise in life.
one tectonic plated bumped into another... "Sorry my fault"
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Pokemon Go Run errands with your mom.
I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and don't know how to drive.
Just went to Walgreens & they're a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I'm suing.
How many perverts does it take to insert a light bulb? Only one; However, it takes an entire emergency ward to get it back out again.
What do you call a pot smoker that spends every night dancing and drinking with his friends? A Rastapartying
Klondike bars, Hitler did it for one
"will..." *Starbucks barista squints at name on cup* "... the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?" *Eminem flips table and storms out*
I'm a champion of grammar; A grampion, if you will.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I was in Australia once and I saw someone play Stairway to Heaven on the didgeridoo. I said "That's Aboriginal."
Why do robots never cuddle after sex? Because all a robot does is nuts and bolts.
I overheard a friend telling his pal "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?" the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg? A. Limp biskit
What do math and mermaids have in common? They both have an alge-bra.
Today, at the train station, my mood ring was stolen... but I'm not sure how I feel about it.
*stops walking* Wait, I think there's a stone in my shoe *takes off shoe, shakes it upside down* *Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back... and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!
I'm in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib-- I'm in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though
What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine* age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine* age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I "slept funny"
Me: "I can't turn on the shower" Plumber: "It's seen you naked so often the excitement's gone. Try dressing up" *Hands over shower cap*
This summer, while visiting Europe, I had a blast in Florence. She seemed to enjoy herself too.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
What is live? Life is love. Whats love? Love is kissing. Whats kissing? Come here and I show you.
I like turntablism. Some of the samples really speak to me.
I won a swimsuit contest the other day I ate 57 swimsuits
Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid North Korea's long range missiles.
A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he's thinking about something else.
If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don't care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.
When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.
Kim Jong Un walks into a bar... [removed]
Three Jews walk into a bar... ...and head straight to the back room to check the books to see how much profit it's been making. Because they own the bar. Because they're Jews.
My gran keeps banging on about the dangers of the modern world, apparently when she was young she never had to secure her back entrance. What a slag.
getting sick of watching movies where johnny depp dresses like a hobo. I blame him for russel brand
I'll have you know my grandfather was killed by a Nazi. He committed suicide
How do you hire a horse? Put a brick under each hoof!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno buisness. ... I'll let my self out.
My girlfriend broke up with me after we had sex.. She said she's full of me
In capitalist America, you grab people by the pussy. In Soviet Russia, you seize the means of reproduction.
I like my friends like I like my coffee... I gave it up for lent
Scientists have looked into claims of widespread mansplaining... Turns out it's usually just an ovaryaction.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Arthur ! Arthur who ! Arthene you in the butchers haven't I ?
Why is it so hard to pronounce words in Welsh? It is the language of Wales.
What does Spiderman like to get high on? Mary Jane
What did the ghost give his girlfriend on Halloween? A "booquet" of flower.
Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? (no) me neither but enough to break the ice, hi my name is .....
They say abs are made in the kitchen But i can only make rolls
Religion... That is all.
Patient: "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: "Next time, take off the candles."
What do you call a book filled with outlines of Star Wars characters? A Kylo Ren Book
Karma's only a bitch if you are.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Kum &amp; go Ejaculate &amp; evacuate
So I found out today that I have Alzheimer's...
Life is all about trying way too hard to look like you're not trying.
You call it lightning. I call it targeted airstrikes.
Trying to get my kids hooked on cigarettes so they'll stop outgrowing their clothes.
Trust us: the feminine form of 'ghostbuster' is 'ghostbuster'.
My Glee Club is just a baseball bat that I use to hit happy people over the head with.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker Face
I've tried dating websites. But no priest will a marry man and HTML.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What do you call a rainbow of Jeeps in the driveway? Roy Jeep Biv
The joke that made me subscribe to this subreddit: I love being bipolar. It sucks.
I think my wife is cheating on me with an undertaker. I could swear she was wearing clothes when she died.
What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs? Nice tits!
I'm going to get a job at a liquor store just so I can card people & see who's lying about how much they weigh on their ID.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
In a communist country, what does a woman say to a man before having sex? I want you to seize my means of reproduction.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Month End Status Month begins with lots of happiness and ends with just a few coins &amp; credit card bills
I have the solution to the drought in California Just let all the ladies hear my mixtape
If a Woman says you're "unfuckable"... ...she means "you're unattractive". If a Man says you're "unfuckable" it means "you're a Mermaid"
heres a funny one. womens rights /s
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad
Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.
Why does Steve Irwin hate sunblock? It doesn't protect from harmful rays
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Late 9/11 joke. My dad died during 9/11. He was driving a plane.
So North Korea's Kim Jong-Un executes it's defense chief with an anti-aircraft gun. I bet he took a lot of flak for that.
What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey. What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye? A winky-wonkey.
Hi, I'd like a salamus sandwich, please. "You mean salami?" No, just a single salamus. "People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani."
A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bartender here?" Is the bar tender here?
They say love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit
Ke$ha is what would happen if a garbage can came to life.
Of ten puns, how many won? No pun in ten did.
Two bananas are relaxing on a river bank... When a turd floats by. The turd shouts over. "Come on in the waters great." One banana turns to the other and says. "Do you believe this shit."
A Boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother.... They couldn't settle on a name, Until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee Sorry
what do people call bob the builder when he's not building anything? bob
Straight guys, don't act like an asshole when a gay guy hits on you... ...because then they'll definitely wanna fuck you.
What do you call an Italian at the World Cup Finals? A referee
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
What did the body builder say when he ran out of protein powder mix? No whey.
I told my girlfriend to make a sextape together. She agreed. It became a vine
How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than four, they've been in my basement for days, and it's still dark down there!
If they ever start charging for air... I'll buy a bag of chips, at least it will be a package deal.
An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
So 2 guys walk into a bar. ........that's pretty much it i'm still 17
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
What's the difference between Donald Trump and an oompa loompa? If you are wise, you won't listen to him.
Why didn't Sug Knight talk to the police? Because the g is silent
Is there a mouse that doesn't make a clicking noise as I'm trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills. Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I once asked my friend why he only had a step ladder. He told me "I don't know, I never knew my real ladder."
did u hear about the crow that landed a job? he works in a caw center. he's winging it for now but it might take off
[at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!
conjunctivitis.com... ... It's a site for sore eyes.
"911, what is your emergency?" I got stuck in a beaded curtain "Again?" SEND HELP
My sister didn't believe me when I said I could build a car out of spaghetti....... ... you should have seen her face when i drove pasta
What did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken? No weigh...
Have you ever heard of Skrillex? Ah forget it... I was gonna make a Dubstep joke, but I'll just drop it
Whats the most confusing day in Detroit? Fathers day.
Thor isn't able to stay in hiding long He's not a very loki guy (yeah, still a bit iffy on the wording)
Bill Clinton voted for Hillary Clinton in the electoral college today. First known instance of him being faithful.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
What do you call it when you do a skateboarding trick over your parent's genitals? A Freudian Flip.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren't the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
When I saw grown ups in public kissing I'd ask my mom, "What are they doing?" Now I wonder the same thing.
What idiot decided it should be my foot's asleep instead of coma toes?
I had sex with this girl for 1 hour and 45 seconds last night.... Thanks daylight savings.
Reddit is really a green community, considering all the recycled content on here.
Dear Board of Education... So are we. - Sincerely, the students
I hate in your end. O. (innuendo)
What do Bristol Palin and the Virgin Mary have in common?
What vegetable has the most sexual self-control? The cuecummer!
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my "cycle" and just told me that I'm ovulating and that I should mingle more.
What is large and grey and shoots tourists in Africa? An elefanatic, of course.
"Reality is for people who can't use the internet."
I had a cold so I stopped by the drug store. I asked for some vitamin C. The Spanish pharmacist said "Si'" I said "Yes, C" And that is how the fight got started.
Teacher: Are you good at math? Pupil: Yes and no Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Yes I'm no good at math!
What are rich people called in Japan? Milyennaires
Dear people posting pics of things they got for Valentine's Day: Please stop it! Spare us the cheesiness and keep that sh!t to yourself. Sincerely, Single People
What is Alzheimer's? WHAT IS ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE? * Is it A) Memory Loss? * Is it A) Memory Loss? * Or is it false?
This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
How do you know if you are having a good time? When you throw your knickers against the wall, and they stay there.
A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar or maybe a hotel. Or possibly a church
I'm old enough to remember being the tv remote.
What kind of television do horses like? Saddle-lite TV
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job? Me: the pay Interviewer: can you be more specific? Me: cash
Why can't I eat just one cookie and be happy???
Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
If someone was shot in a chapel... ...would that count as a mass shooting?
Robbing me is only a good idea if you're running low on ketchup packets.
Teacher : What is the most common phrase used  in school ? Pupil : I don't know Teacher: Correct !
Feminists are like proximity mines. Anything can trigger them and they blow it way out of proportion.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie] SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU "Uh oh" YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9 "Haha nice!"
Do you know about the unpredictable weather in Syria? Sometimes it's Sunni, other times it's Shiite.
There are over 1 million battered women in the US. And I've been eating mine plain!
Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook? It's called "101 ways to wok your dog"
What's the difference between a hippie girl and a can of beans? You would still eat the beans after a month in the woods
Why didn't the vegan gamble at the meat raffle? Didn't want a brisket
How's a divorce like a hurricane... There's a bunch of sucking and blowing, but in the end she takes your house.
Q: What do you call dirt? A: Dirty.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF: 1. Sunset 2. Crashing waves 3. Dad's grave (as casket is lowered) 4. New stepdad's face 5. Quiznos
TIFU in the shower Although I still think Up is a strange name for a dog...
Why did the cowboy get a dachshunds? Because once someone told him to get a long little doggie.
Getty Yup! Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."
Job interview tip: Bring a box to the interview, point at it and say "I do all my thinking outside of that." Then open some champagne.
How will Trump deport the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.
In the words of my dead grandmother...
I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!" To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
What did the right eye said to the left? Between me and you, "something smells".
What did the sea say to the shore? Nothing, he just waved. Christmas crackers are the worst.
My neighbours are getting really stressed out because I keep indulging my window fetish. I feel their pane.
Girl, you should be a life gaurd You so salty, all you got to do is jump in....
My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it?! He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chin and Tony ! Chin and Tony who ? Chin and Tonyk !
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear "Go towards the light."
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Smooth jazz always puts me to sleep... ...must be the mellow tonin'.
How many dubstep fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Wuh-wuh-wuh-one.
What did the Alabama sherriff call the black man who had been shot 15 times? The worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away. She waves. I wave. I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
What do you call a lonely terrorist? ISIL-ated
What's the difference between a Christmas star and a bad pickling job? One brightly shines...
Although not as effective as finger quotes, finger commas and finger periods are way fun.
Why did the Time Traveler give Julius Caeser a BJ? He wanted to go down on history.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I think my friend's new bowl is really a colander He told me a long story about how he uses it for mixing, but it doesn't hold water.
What's your mom's favorite bird? A cock or two.
Who was the most well known Jewish cook? Hitler!
Missed Connections: hey, are you that woman I saw? Any of them? Call me.
The founder of strepsils died this week There will be no coffin at the funeral
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah....kids are stupid.
I want to do an essay on chronology and hand it in late... ... so the professor can say "it's about time!"
Have you heard of the new Divorced Barbie Doll? It comes with all of Ken's stuff!
I laughed too hard at this. What has a bottom at the top? A leg
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this. *stings person* FRIEND: That wasn't dis... JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
What do you call a flesh light powered by your smartphone? iFap
Old Navy commercials give us a glimpse of Hell
North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine Woops, wrong sub
Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Can someone's face be a pet peeve?
#1 Joke Voted by Australia My life
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? You cry when you cut an onion.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste. I'll show myself out.
A brand new Russian joke It tuned out that a Chinese trying to break into the Kremlin, claming that he lives there, is a time treveller from the future.
How do lions like their steaks? RAWR
Why was Ke$ha arrested? TiK ToK On The Clock
If you don't know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can't be friends.
What's worse than a fish in the SS? *Adolf*in. Man, I did *Nazi* that coming.
What's wrong with a joke containing Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium? It's CoRnY
I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way.
Change is hard. I mean, have you ever tried to bend a quarter?
If you took the tartness out of a lime and later put it back would the lime be retarted? Yes...yes it would...
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
UNICORN: I love the forest! I love my horn! Life is wonderf [Pegasus flies over chased by babes] UNICORN: God why have you forsaken me
[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That's great. Let's just put that in the 'maybe has epilepsy' pile.
Women really can't take a rape joke lately You really have to force it against their will.
What's worse than your mother-in-law? My mother-in-law.
I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30  minutes.
Chuck Norris's Daughter Lost her Virginity... He got it back.
What cell phone service do Stormtroopers use? AT &amp; AT.
I hate it when you're about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range... But it wasn't his strong suit
I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone.
Don't masturbate with Crisco. It's shortening.
How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?
"And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide
What does a lonely pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.
This comes from a good place in my heart, homeless people build the best forts I've ever fucking seen.
I once met a girl with 12 boobs.... Sounds weird. Doesn't it? (takes a while to get)
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
While at our wedding, I pointed out to my wife-to-be... that her her veil wasn't nearly opaque enough. She responded by discreetly implying she would hit me. It was a thinly-veiled threat.
How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?
What's green, has 6 legs and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A pool table...
There are three kinds of people in this world Those that can count and those that cannot
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather's ashes going EVERYWHERE
An Indian walks into a hotel, and the receptionist asks "Do you have a reservation?"
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone Me: fine Her: good Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy and asked me if I could help train it. I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."
What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis? TB or not TB, that is the question.
Why is it okay when a woman has sex with someone half her age, but when a man does it, it's awesome?
Just found out my bank won't cash these so-called "rain checks." This is bullshit.
How many amateur masochists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards. Double joke! "whole... hole." it's a play on words ;)
How do you stop a woman giving you head? Marry her.
Three elephants fell off a cliff. Two fell on land. One fell in the water. Boom-boom-chhh!
Did you hear about the raisin that slept with another raisin's wife? No? You're obviously not up to date with currant affairs.
Women are like stars... At first they are small and hot, then they get bigger and bigger, then finally they suck the life out of everything around them.
I was interviewed today by a Far East Sultan to be a eunuch. He needs a eunuch to guard his harem of 365 women. What an ideal career!! Sadly, The Sultan told me I wasn't cut out for the job.
Two Irish men talking. - I saw my girlfriend going to the movies with another guy the other night. - Oh my god. Did you follow them? - No. - Why not? - I had watched the movie before.
What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
*text message* Cat: Slave, I'm missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it. Me: but I'm at work. Cat: find it.
I went to the barber before I had my SAT yesterday it really helped me clear my head
What's M. Night Shyamalan's favorite flavor of ice cream? Twist
When I fall down a public venue, "Did anyone see me" totally outranks "Am I ok" on the thought process.
Men often think that women don't know what they want. That's incorrect. Women know exactly what they do and don't want, however, those two are usually the same thing.
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?
so this baby seal walks into a club... ...he got smashed.
I like my coffee how I like my women. STD free.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Why did Steve Harvey announce Miss Colombia as the Miss Universe winner? Because he couldn't pronounce Miss Philippines.
Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.
This haunted house sucks. It's just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I'm going to name my son Glove Being handy will come to him naturally
What happened to the two zombies who went on a date? They had a *Necro*mantic** time.
Why are there fences around graveyards/cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
I found out why I'm still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
What type of lettuce do they serve on the titanic? Iceberg :D
I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just
Why did the Cephalopod get coal for christmas? Because he was on the nautilust.
My daughter wanted me to treat her like a princess So I let her get stolen by a giant, mutant turtle.
Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie? He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.
Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.
What is a hipster's favorite element? Fe, because it's so ironic
Patient: Hey that tooth you pulled wasn't the one I wanted pulled. Dentist: Relax I'm coming to it.
I don't need a calendar to tell me winter is approaching *strokes wife's leg hair*
TIL Ron Jeremy is a porn star I always thought he was just an actor but as soon as he came on the screen it was clear
Two old nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man runs up to them in a trench coat, opens it wide and flashes them. One of the nuns immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.
Did you hear about the new strain of bird flu? Chirpees... a canarial disease... un-tweetable.
What did the baby milk say to his older sister? You're spoiled!
I have some OC jokes as well Actually the post snaps in two. THAT WAS A JOKE THX FOR COMING
For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I'm terrified to Web MD this. I'm too young to have kittens.
I entered ten puns in a contest ... to see which would win. No pun in ten did. ps: not my own, came across randomly.
[throws a dart at map of the world] One day, I'm gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.
What do I want to do to your body? I don't know. Identify it, I guess.
Rome wasn't built in a day... But it was built in Italy!!
Why did my Exotic Bird Startup Store fail? I didn't have enough seed money.
Dot [limerick] There once was a woman named Dot, who lived off of pig-shit and snot. When she ran out of these, she ate the green cheese, that grew on the sides of her twat.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I'm a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.
Large scale pot-growing bust on my neighbors property I was charged with planting evidence...
Are you a can of mountain dew? Cause I'd mountain dew you.
Just had the following conversation in court Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: Thanks, I'm outta here
I don't discriminate based skin colour, I do it based on clothes... In fact you could call me a fashist
What did the suicidal college student say to his room mate? Dont leave me hangin' bro
Two toothpicks are walking through the forest they come across a hedgehog. Says one to the other "Look, a bus!"
Why did the banana go out with the prune?  Because he couldn't find a date.
AI walks to the human AI: "I relieve you, sir!" Human: "I am relieved."
saw a chameleon today So it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon
America is that sexy classmate everyone had a crush on in high school, not aging that well but you'd still hit it.
What's the difference between me and my couch? My couch pulls out.
Did you hear about the birds who wanted to go out drinking? They ended up at the crowbar.
I went to the doctor.... he pulled down his pants, and I said, "Dr. ewwwwww!" He said, "My name's not Drew."
How do Ethiopian parents celebrate their child's first birthday? By putting flowers on its grave.
I work at a women's shoe store Sometimes I tie the laces together... Bitches be trippin'
What does your wife/girlfriend want more than anything in the world? Nothing, she's fine.
Your momma is so old.. her social security number is 000-00-0001
Thirty years ago, Marco Rubio was bitten by a radioactive doormat.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if... wat if water was mor like sandwich
What do you call two men from Paraguay? Par a guays! 
"Well boy," I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, "naming you E.T. clearly wasn't enough."
If Trump is elected President It won't be the first time he has kicked a black family out of their house.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vender and says.. "Make me one with everything"
A PROBLEMIC POLEMIC Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: Who knows why the heck they do anything?
How many Freuds does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other one to hold the penis.. I meant... The ladder.
How do you restore your body back to 'factory settings'? Is it kale? it's kale, isn't it? please don't say kale.
I never wear red because I don't want to anger any bulls disguised as cab drivers or businessmen.
What did the HS principal say when he accidentally got a math substitute to fill in for a chemistry teacher? Whoops, wrong sub.
Black monday is way better then black friday, look at the deals these people in Ferguson are getting. Stuff is free!!
Do you like him like him, or just Facebook like him?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map... Putin is fixing the issue by just calling it all "Russia".
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
A man died at the drive-in theater He froze to death seeing "Closed for season".
Looks like balls = Scrotesque.
I don't mean to brag but 14 bots are hitting on me and I've already received 72 viruses. -- Nerds
[skydiving with my dog] Me: ur ears r inside out My dog: can't hear u my ears r inside out Me: it's the wind My dog: I think it's the wind
AT THE DOOR Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.
My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography... But it put her to sleep.
I was wondering when the sun would come up... and then it dawned on me.
how do you make a dog go "meow"? Freeze it solid then push it through a band saw. MEEEOOW!
Why isn't Hitler invited to any barbecues? Because he always burns the franks.
What's the one thing a black person will never steal? Your job.
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? 'cause they're ugly and they stink.
How much money does a gay pornstar earn? A buttload
A man walks into a zoo The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.
What's green and goes red at a flick of a switch. Kermit in a blender.
An Owl and a Squirrel are sitting in a tree watching a farmer mow the lawn.... ...The Owl says nothing because Owls can't talk, the Owl then eats the Squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
Review about the movie "Ip Man"  (1/5) Disappointing. Totally not about networking or computer. Just some random Chinese guy hitting people.
I'm ok with it if my son decides he wants Crocs. He has peanut allergy, so it's not like people will hate him more than they already do.
Anton Chekhov brought his gun to work He was fired.
[in front of fire] DATE: I'm still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket* ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
What's the fastest way to get to a woman's heart? A knife.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? No potatoes.
How would Arnold Schwarzenegger describe a sousaphone? "It's not a tuba!"
They say it's amazing what we can achieve if we all put our heads together But if I could put my heads together, I'd never leave my room
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
2 men walk into a bar... You would think one of them saw it
It's me and Pamela Handerson again this Valentine's Day... 
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre. Their girlfriends however... not so much.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A FAKE NOODLE? AN IMPASTA.
Sometimes I go on WebMD to see what I'm currently dying of.
What's the I.T. guy's favorite pokemon game? It's a toss up between ruby and perl.
LPT Don't order the wrong thing for your wife at subway Oops wrong sub
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Toy Story 5: Jason Statham must deliver the last iPad to Uganda, in a prius, and he has to drift the entire trip or the car will explode
What do you call bees that make milk instead of honey? BOOBIES XD
"BRING ME THE FOETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS" *Maniacal stare* "Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette" "AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"
What's the most Ghetto cheese? E-Dayyyyyyyyyymn (Edam)
I like my men how I like my rum Smooth, dark, rich, and with a bunch of coke.
Firemen deserve a raise. They took a pole and they all fell down a hole.
btw, my linkedin endorsements for "Dreamweaver" are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software
What's the difference between Eric Clapton and a snooker player? One plays with an electric guitar, the other a-cue-stick.
What do you call a hot indian girl? Bomb bae
Commitment doesn't mean sticking to one person forever, it means keeping a relationship with someone even though you have lots of options.
What do you call a random selection of sailors? A seamen sample
Why did the Kremlin sacrifice 8.7 million soldiers during WWII? They were just Stalin for time.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and Jeb Bush? None. They both should have pull out sooner.
I'm glad I'm not invited to Joan Rivers' funeral. She might be cremated and I hate the smell of burning plastic. Too soon?
What do you get when you put 32 Rednecks in one room? One full set of teeth.
What do you call a marathon runner that refuses to stop? A joggernaut.
I didn't get that job I wanted testing invisibility potions. Apparently they don't hire blind people.
Today is Hitler s birthday. How about a hitler joke? Why did Hitler give the jews a shower? - They were Au-schvitzing.
I asked my friend if he knew binary he said "yeah I took the 101 class"
A masochist and a sadist are having rough sex. Masochist: "Hurt me! Hurt me!" Sadist: "No."
Here is an easy way to tell a Chinese girl from a Japanese girl The Japanese girl has pixels.
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three ho's
What is light and red? Pink
Thank god attorneys let us know they're attorneys "at law" so we don't assume they're attorneys at garlic bread or something.
If you're going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I'm sorry, I lost a bet.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, "I thought this was FAST food." The place will never recover from that mega burn
What do you call an alligator with a vest? An Investigator!
I just can't stand it when people make jokes about crippled people.
Dysentery It's a shitty way to die.
Unshakable Fact # 4 Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was killed by the woman's husband.
Where do rabbits like to eat breakfast? IHOP!
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your cock up someone's ass.
What do Chinese lumberjacks do? Chopsticks
What's another word for a penis potato? A dictator
I've hosted an bukkake party for my girlfriend You should've seen her face
I will not be giving shelter to any men in my bunker after the apocalypse only women, and there is a dress code.... #Doomsday2012
Why did the boy look at each and every one of the animal crackers? Because his mother told him not to eat them if the "seal" was broken. Credits to my school principal
Playing Scrabble is like talking to women... You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words.
So a termite walks into a bar... And he sits down and says, "Hey, is the bar tender here?"
What's the difference between a garbonzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbonzo bean on my face!
What is the difference between a Cadillac and five dead Asian hookers? I don't have a Cadillac in my garage
JOCKEY: "Watch me whip" HORSE: "Watch me neigh neigh"
What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist? A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.
What'd you call a German businessman? An enterpreNeuer.
Best thing I've seen on Facebook all day: "I thought Ariana Grande was a font."
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
The best part of necrophilia You don't have to bring flowers
Why did the privileged white guy fail his algebra test? He didn't know enough about inequalities
Someone told me that the best pokemon was the bird that holds a leek stalk I said 'That's a little farfetch'd'
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it's the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
"Friends are a dime a dozen." *pulls out a sack full of dimes* "Sweet, I'll take 32 dozen friends please."
No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character... The husband that's out of town.
Did you hear about the homosexual magician? He disappeared in a poof.
[Dog Restaurant] "Is the Book Report any good?" Yes, Sir. "How's it prepared?" A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it. "Ooh, I'll have that."
*pets your eyebrows* there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My wife is so stupid... She thought that I was a racist because I separated my whites from my colors.
What do you call a king with a weed addiction? Your royal highness.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist] Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like? Me: Not anymore I can't
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims' hands into turkeys this time of year.
The Enola Gay Made rice crispies long before Kellogg's
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Money talks But all mine ever says is good-bye.
What do you call a Russian sovereign with dwarfism and a taste for both men and women? A little bizar
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
What is it called when an exchange student goes to Malaysia? Euthanasia.
"You can be anything!" Okay I'm going to be Kanye west "Josh that's not what I meant" Shhhh *puts my finger to her lips* It's Kanye now
Whats the difference between America and Yogurt? If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.
Young Charlie to dentist's sexy chariside assistant "Aha ! Are you the lady orthodontist ?". The lady replied "No but I'll straighten anyone's teeth "
My favorite dinosaur is the Clitorous, its is the smallest of the dinosaurs, it is also hard to find because it likes to hide in the bushes Credit goes to comedian Etta May.
What's your favorite city in China? Taiwan
What's an Apple Scottish self-aware computer called? I, Mac.
How much do you pay to buy corn from a pirate? You pay a buccaneer.
Want to hear a joke? The Ghostbusters Remake
I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriends killer. But no one will do it
Dang girl, are you a zombie? Cuz I'm bringing you back from the dead!
How many Freudians does it take to screw their mothers? Not mothers, lightbulbs. Shit.
While driving, I hit a car driven by a little person. He ran up to me and said "Hey asshole! I'm not happy!", to which I replied.... ...."So which one *are* you then? "
What did the fish say when it swam into a cement wall? DAM!
I was gonna post a joke about me being a shitty seller on eBay But my delivery has horrible timing.
Yo momma's so fat You can see the couch behind her do to gravitational lensing.
What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
So I was having sex with this girl.. When suddenly she asks me: "Doesn't it bother you that I'm 13??" So I replied: "Not really, I've never been superstitious"
ad for letuce: do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Do you think George Clooney has an iTunes playlist called Clooney Tunes?
Is there anything sexier than a woman who reads? Yes: Models.
Her: i'm in the mood Me: me too Her: wanna do it Me: oh yeah baby [we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]
Owning a selfie stick is a good way to tell people that you've driven all of your friends away with your narcissism.
A guy walked into a bar... And said, "Ouch!" Sorry. It had to be done.
My favorite pirate joke (no arrr) Say it out loud. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? I'm 80!
*tattoo parlor* ARTIST: What do you want? ME: Surprise me *He tattoos the word 'hiccup'* ME: Why did y- ARTIST: BOO! *the tattoo disappears*
So I started a charity last week. I donate headphones to black guys on public transportation. He was pissed.
I BRAKE FOR PERPETUAL GODDAMN CONSTRUCTION ON I-16.
If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying "it's not safe to talk on the phone right now"
YOU MUST ENJOY THIS FOOD! It's a required taste.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Heavy metal is not intimidating to me because half of the time it's just the plot of Lord Of The Rings yelled over guitar solos.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I'll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body, your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.
Hunters should always know what's behind their target Behind mine is a Sam's Club and a Starbucks
I believe I can flyyy. I believe I can touch the skyyy. I believe I was mistaaaken. I believe I'm faaalling. I believe I'm gonna diiiie.
What is a dentist's office? A filling station.
What is a tornado ? Mother nature doing the twist !
My girlfriend asked for a dick pic file size too large
What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ!
Why was Jesus crucified instead of stoned? So Catholics could do this [makes the sign of the cross], instead of this [bangs self in head with fists].
What do you find at the bottom of the lake? Bassturds.
Why are a German vegetarians pessimists? Because they always fear the wurst.
My girlfriend knows I love pinball, so she uses just 3 words to let me know when it's sexy time. "Lock is lit"
"We heard reports that some guy saw a snowflake one time somewhere so we better cancel 5,000 flights." - Airlines
What kind of luggage does a vulture bring on a plane? Carrion.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"
What did Napoleon say on the rollercoaster? Ouiiiiiiii!
your mom is so fat that.. The whole U.S nation started this "ur moms so fat" joke exclusively because of her
Why did the Pasta join a dating website? Because he was cannelloni.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Why couldn't the little mermaid get into college? Her GPA was unda da C.
There is no reason to hit a woman! Lol, just kidding
"Give it to me!! I'm so fucking wet!" She screamed at me... "Fuck off. This is MY umbrella."
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Holy Roller
Store Sign: "WE HAVE MACE" Think that's going to keep me from shopping here?
What's a best friend? One who goes out and gets two blowjobs, then comes back and gives his buddy one
So I have one coworker who uses "irregardless" and another who uses "unappropriate" and now I'm over trying to conversate with these people.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks* Friends: *No concern* Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB* Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[Starbucks] "Yes, I'd like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please." Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
(First Day as Mailman) ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup? BOSS: You're supposed to deliver those. ME: No.
Why did Eeyore cross the road? To get to the other... *sigh*
Aquaman: Come on in the water is great. Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.
"Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club." Actually this is Oxymoron Club. "Ok, same difference." *looks at group* Oh, this guy is good.
My mum is a midwife and she always messes up jokes... Which is strange, because I thought midwives were great at delivery.
Jeffrey Dahmer and his mom are having dinner. Jeffey's mom looks over at him and says "Jeff I don't like your friends". Jeffery then replies "You can eat the potatoes".
[think of idiom] firing on all cylinders [post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation] mr. on all cylinders, ur fired [wait for 100+ faves]
Do you know the fat catholic woman? [OC] She has mass.
I masturbated in the shower... I just wanted to come clean. Came up with this earlier, I guess it could've been relevant in /r/showerthoughts
My friend gave me one last gift before he died. It was his EpiPen.
Wife: I think we need a break. *Titanic crashes into iceberg* Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? Wife: Yes.
What gym equipment does Jesus use? A cross trainer.
69 I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Walkout
Who is the rudest person in my mathematical family? Aunt Sally
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no-eye-deer
Why did Obama take all the pens when he left the White House? Because trumps bringing his own pence.
Teacher : Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes. Pupil : We're not passing notes. We're playing cards !
What do you call tubing in Winnipeg? Mani-tubing
Don't have phone sex Because you'll get hearing aids
What has wheels and is green? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to sing about how grand the old bulb was.
It's not rape if she's holding bud light
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum psshh!
Why can't you email a picture to a jedi? Because attachments are forbidden.
I was just reading about the Volkswagen fiasco recently, and something puzzled me. It's not like Germans to get gas emissions wrong.
I always lock my front door before I get in the shower 'cause if a killer broke in & heard me singing I'd be HUMILIATED.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I'm like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
How do scientists freshen their breaths? Ex*spearmints*
What do You Call a Line... Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A: a receding hare-line.
My cooking is so great.... ...that firefighters like to come and watch.
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots??
What do you call a 350 pound stripper? Broke
Asking me to care Would be like asking the hunchback of Notre dame to stand up straight.
In the year 2065, old men will say 'bae'
My black friend asked me where to find the color copier I said it's 2015 and he can use whatever copier he wants to
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
What do you call a country ruled by dank memes? Kappatalism
New air jordans What do you call the new air jordans in mexico The air juan 11sd
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? the answer isnt congress
My wife was preparing to bake bread... I asked what that was she was putting into the mix. She said, "dill weed". I said, "Darling, you know I love your recipes, but I refuse to eat dill dough!".
I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.
What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella? Wet. Source: me, now.
What is the most popular hacking tool preferred by hackers in Bangladesh? machetes
Jewish dietary law... Pork and shellfish may be eaten only in a good Chinese restaurant.
I'm inappropriate on Facebook because I have to be appropriate and follow the rules in real life.
Can't Sleep Whenever my son can't sleep I tell him to count backwards from 100 to 0. He usually gets to about 80 before I pass out and can't hear anymore. Works every time.
Greek people must feel like a tampon. They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
A guy told me this one in class today.... What do you call 2 White Russians and a Jager bomb? A Boston Marathon.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Happy Birthday, Jesus! The lawn looks great, thanks!
Why didn't the police shoot the polarbear who was wandering peacefully around the streets? Because he was white.
Saying the Punchline After the Setup What's the key to a good joke?
The doctor's had some troubles convincing Jim he had gone deaf. He wouldn't hear it.
How can you tell if a package is gay? It cums in the male
I like my women like I like my news... Without an opinion
What does a farsighted gynecologist have in common with a puppy dog? They both got a wet nose.
There's an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you'd be perfect for the job.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I was recently in a museum in Europe So much Picasso I wanted to Pablow my brains out
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
Why did tigger look in the toilet... He was looking for Pooh
Shredded cheese has officially been banned at grocery stores in the US. President Trump will make America grate again.
My roommate asked me why I'd invited a bunch of Parisian newspaper men over for breakfast. I told him I always make coffee with the French press.
Some racists say black people are just white people that were left in the oven too long... If that's true, then all black people would be jewish.
I just got the biggest idea for a joke! Then I realized it was my dick. No seriously check this one out: "I dont want to sound like an asshole, but ppfdrtrrtrt *fartnoises*"
IMHO = I Miss Hall & Oates
If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!
What did the blonde Buddhist say when she finished her 88th prayer? "I literally chant even..."
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves] Me: It's muggy out there. Guy: I'll be fine. *guy is beaten & robbed immediately. M: Told you.
i went to a 5 Guys burgers and fries and there was only one guy. im just gonna say what were all thinking. the other 4 guys died at benghazi
Who is the poorest in England? The Tooth Fairy!
If you're going to call people who aren't yet born "the unborn" then you have to call people who aren't yet dead "the undead"
The school counsellor told me that alcohol was never a solution. I said that my chemistry teacher would disagree.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
What do you call a butthurt white guy? A salty cracker.
A skinny friend told me she's never hungry and just 'forgets to eat', so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Why did the double agent cross the road? Because he never really was on your side.
Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?" Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy." Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise." Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"
A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?" "Africa," says the parrot.
How can you tell a pirate is being raped? You hear him screaming "Quit plunderin' my booty!"
Why did the chicken get into so much trouble? Because of its fowl language.
What do black guys do after sex? 25 years - life
What do you call a black pilot ? A pilot , you racist dumbass...
Improvement One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
Why do intersecting lines hate each other? Because they do nothing except making themselves cross.
You know what's weird? I've never seen any femail boxes.
What's the cheapest cut of meat? Deer nuts: they're under a buck.
how do you know you're in an elevator with the people of reddit? you're stuck on the basement level!
You don't need to use your words if you're carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you say "NO YOURE UNDER ARREST" the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I've seen nothing good can come of this, but I'm a white guy so I'll stay.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it
I was about make a Sodium Joke... But Na
Have you heard how busy the Samsung customer care lines are? Their phones are blowin' up!
My Wife wears some very revealing shirts. Today's shirt says 'Nick's ATM code is 1234' on it.
Ancient Aliens
Why did the groupie let the percussionist come over? He promised he wouldn't drum in her house.
How can you smuggle 500 Jews across the border in one car? In an ash tray
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up.
I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness... That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??
Are you afraid of the dark? Just sing the opening line to "The Sound of Silence." Darkness will feel like you're being clingy and leave the room.
My vegan friend asked me if I've met his new girlfriend I said I've never seen herbivore
Football joke Joke: What is the difference between Arjen Robben and the time?
I've only seen "Babe" once, but I've said "That'll do, pig" 1000 times. My wife hates me.
A man walks into a bar ... A man walks into a bar, a man walks into a bar, a man walks into a bar, but enough about me ...
I went to zoo and all they had was a dog It was a shit-zoo
What's the difference between a ginger girl and a vampire? One bursts into flames in the sunlight, and the other is a vampire.
[tortoise arguing with his gf] "FINE IM LEAVING" FINE [6 minutes later] are you going or not? "THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN"
Old ladies are not as fucking helpful as they think they are.
Today a tragedy occurred: a gardener died You could say he threw in the trowel
Racist Maths If Steve has $20 and Tyrone takes $16, what color is Tyrone?
Adele called her first albums 19 &amp; 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life Her follow up 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out next month.
What's the worst part of being a cook in prison? Having to toss everyone's salad
What's the Titanic's Favorite Holiday? Sink-o de Mayo.
How is the elevator business? Oh, it has its up and downs...
Boys, if you don't look like Calvin Klein models, don't expect us to look like Victoria's Secret Angels.
A son asks his dad "Dad, am I adopted?" "Not yet son. We still haven't found anyone that wants you"
Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I believe when you die you become a slab of meat... I call it rein-carne-tion.
What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages? They both fear the wurst
Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns By keeping his mouth shut.
I have a dog named Hot-Dog. Isn't funny? hahahaha....
I have one friend who is very creepy and intense and whenever we take a photo together all I can think is "this will be on Dateline someday"
Wind Farms..... I'm a big fan!
Why did the StormTrooper Buy The IPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for
A physicist sits down at a bar. What does he order? Ein stein
The 2016 presidential race Nuff said.
The only B word you should call a woman is "beautiful." Bitches love being called beautiful.
How do you steal something from a crazy person? You straight jack it.
If I had a million dollars for every time I lost money... I'd have $43.
Do you remember blowing bubbles in the bathtub as a kid? Saw him the other day, told me to say hello!
My Girlfriend surprised me with a dirty sex toy for my birthday... Now she is in jail and I have anal infection.
Why does Lebron James drive automatic? He has no clutch.
What does a White hole and a stoner in a herb plantation have in common There both spewing out Thyme
What do mexicans drink in the morning? Dos Eggys
How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate? None.
What's a pirates favourite letter? P, because without it they're irate
What's the difference between a preschool and a brothel? You should know this you sick fuck.
What did one plate say to the other? "Lunch is on me."
Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.
[girl brings me back to her apartment] her: come to bed me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot you racist bastard.
"THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!" 2012: omg please no 2016: are we doing this or not
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A PILOT you racists!
[Haunted House] Ghost:You've been here a week Me: I like you G:You knew what this was M: I thought I was your boo G: I say that to everyone
Why do Jewish bachelors like latina women? Because they like to fool around with Chicsas before they marry. (A shiksa is a gentile woman)
Employers are now blocking Twitter at the office. Is there a way I can do that on my home computer? Asking for a guy who should be working.
People who aren't funny get offended by jokes.
Why did Hitler not mind being on the naughty list? He needed more coal anyway.
What did the blind man say to his old friend? Ayy, long time no see!
"I am un-punkable!" - Justin Bieber, 2012. "Mister Trump, I am a valuable asset to my team and shouldn't be fired." - Justin Bieber, 2019.
Two kittens are sitting on a roof. Which one falls off first? The one with the smallest [](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friction#Coefficient_of_friction)
Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 12 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.
How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Apparently, saying I prefer the babysitter not have a gag reflex isn't as appropriate as it seemed when I wrote the ad.
Don't tease fat girls; elephants never forget.
Why can't spooky skeletons cross the road? No guts.
I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.
What's a feminists favourite type of math? triggernometry
I burned 1000 calories today... Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.
HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back? DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks
A woman dropped a $10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
What did one volcano say to the other? " i lava you "
Knock! Knock!
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street. Drunk people still think there's a sniper somewhere.
Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.
Where do you find a quadriplegic? Where you last left him.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent P!
Hitler and his men are having a meeting. Hitler: We will kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown. Men: Why the clown? Hitler: See! I told you nobody cares about the Jews!
How many clergymen does it take to screw a lightbulb? Amen.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail's pace!! *silence* Todd the snail: This is bullshit *spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I bought my son a trampoline But all he wanted to do was sit and cry in his wheelchair - This was a repost but I thought it was too funny not to share
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that's already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
There are 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%."
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? A smell that keeps coming back!
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Ya know, my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records once... Wasn't for very long though. Librarian told me to put the book down and get the fuck out before she called the cops.
A sodium atom undergoes a vigorous reaction with flourine... How do you feel?" Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil and paper
Oh, it's your "birthday month?" That's nice, grown adult. I hope you don't survive it.
Somebody told me that rum and coke wasn't the answer to my problems. I told them that it might not be the answer, but it was certainly a solution.
The Final Jeopardy category is: Beer. The answer is: It's f**king close to water. The correct question is: Why is Bud Lite like having sex in a sailboat?
There's this blind man feeling his way down the street. He walks past a fish market, you know what I'm sayin'? He stops, takes a deep breath and says: "Ooooo Good morning Ladies!"
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? (Sorry if you've heard this) Christopher Walken
I love everything about writing except the part where you want to kill yourself, which is all of it.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
What do you call a mexican midget? A paragraph.Why?Because he's too short to be an essay.
Greek Tailor's Shop A Greek man walks into a Greek tailor shop holding a pair of jeans. The blind old tailor squints at him. "Euripedes?" The man nods and holds up the pants. "Eumenedes?"
Did you hear about the newlyweds who mixed up the lube and window putty? All their windows fell out
Now that it's all blown over, those Alton Towers victims should look on the bright side. Free parking.
More outlets please, anyone planning on building anything anywhere.
[apocalypse] Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There's no joy left in the world Day 69: LOL 69
Bar of gold walks into a pub, The bartender says "Au get out of here"
What's long, hard and covered in blood? The Boston Marathon!
TIL that Funimation has an unreleased Dragon Ball Z episode where they just improved the whole script. Oops. Wrong dub. (Real oops. Meant to type improvised)
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it's important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Why didn't JFK ever like vodka? Because he couldn't handle a few shots
Money doesnt grow on trees? So then why do banks have branches?
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer and a mop.
An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance.
What did the rapper say to the deli owner? Challah!
Lesbian Eskimo? Klondyke.
What is the climax to a telephone receptionist who is on cocaine ? A second line
Opening a gym... Gonna focus on power walking &amp; door knocking. I'll call it "Jehovah's Fitness"
Where do you find a turtle with no legs? right where you left it.
A dark, dark joke What's the difference between molestation and rape? You remember rape
Chuck norris once put a forest fire out by spitting on it.
Last night, my girlfriend made me really happy and really sad at the same time. She told me, "You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends."
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: Hey. Nice Honda. Him: It's an Acura. Me: All Asian cars look alike. Him: You're racist. Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.
Last night I woke up and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor... ... at first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What do you call a Mexican guy shouting at someone? An argumentative ese
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought "how did a pigeon make $2.75"
Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!
-Knock knock -Who's there? -Go fuck yourself!
Why are you baking octopus? So I can get octopi.
If I had a dollar every time someone called my mother a whore... I'd be the richest client she ever had
What's the most evil thing a human being can do?
I spent all day yesterday putting my old watches together to make a belt. When I finally finished I realized it was just a huge waste of time.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
"Your resume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?" *flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* "Grad school."
I saw a synopsis and some abstracts shot down in a hail of bullet points. I guess it was a summary execution.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account.
how does james bond prefer his women? shaven, not furred
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her "good morning solar eclipse" Yeah, don't do that.
What did one orphan say to the other? "Robin, get in the batmobile"
Huh, maybe THIS pizza delivery guy will be the father figure I've been looking for
I like my girls like my file system... FAT and 16.
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps CAN finish a race!
My wife showed me her baby photos. She said, "Here's one of me when I was 3." I replied, "Wow, and there's me thinking you were like a fine wine."
I thought of making a joke on Apple But I can't afford it.
What did 9/11 have in common with a lasagna? There was ground meat between the layers.
NSFW, What did Hitler say to the black Jew? GET TO THE BACK OF THE OVEN!
Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation
Why was the haunted mansion self conscious? Because it got a lot of creepy stairs. FML.
Politicians and dipers have one thing in common they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason
Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying "Thank You", she's all like "How did you get into my house!"
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
Hey ladies, if you don't want me staring at your tattoos, maybe you should lock your front door before showering.
When playing golf my wife got stung by a bee between the first and second hole I told her that her stance was too wide
Why did Hitler really kill himself because he couldn't pay his gas bill
I'd say Blair Walsh is kicking himself right now... But he was probably wide to the left.
What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? They both like a tight seal.
"Take off your corduroy shorts so I can blow you," said no chick, ever.
OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
My friend told me he wanted to plant an orchard. I told him to grow a pear.
Retired colonel talking of the good old days:  Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No but I've been fishing in shorts.
No amount of minority filled commercials can ruin Red Lobster for me.
Curiosity killed the cat. NASA apologized profusely.
what are pee wee herman's favorite baseball teams? yanks and the expos
"Inside Amy Schumer" is funny... As it's a show I never wish to watch, and a place I never wish to be.
Someone is yelling! The voice is familiar... How they rave and they rant! Is it Jackman? Or, Laurie? Hefner or Grant? - Horton Hears a Hugh
Guy: girl are you a newspaper? Girl: no why? Guy: because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
What weighs 2 lbs and is full of shit? Donald Trump's shoes
The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.
*opens camera app on phone* *35 cats scurry under the couch*
Which dinosaur was the hardest to find? ...the Steganosaurus! And do you know why? ...because it was encryptid!
If an assassin killed exclusively Utility Workers, would that make him a PUD Whacker?
Ordering at Chipotle: "With white rice." "Brown?" "No, white. And chicken." "Steak?" "No, chicken. And medium salsa." "Mild?" "No, medium."
What's harder than beating Alabama twice? Beating LSU once, Geaux Tigers!!!
Even crazier than posting photos of your food, is what you actually look like hovering over your meal snapping pictures.
People have started rating HIV clinics on trip advisor The one time you don't want a positive review.
Why can't dwarfs sing? Because they can't reach the high notes. Bonus: how does dwarves communicate? Smalltalk.
How many I.T. workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, just upgrade to windows
If you set fire to LMFAO they'll become ROTFLMAO.
My father was in the holocaust, he fell of a guard tower!
How do you cook toilet paper? You brown it!
I like my women how I like my coffee Cheap, easily picked up And found later in a disposable plastic container.
accidentally just walked halfway into a hug intended for someone else on the sidewalk maybe can't leave house ever again
What do you call an Asian person that is hit by a car? Hood orient
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Hell, even an 80-year-old prostitute works more often than twitter.
If I'm ever in an accident while driving and tweeting and you're the first person to arrive on the scene, grab my phone and press "Send."
What's 6.9? A perfectly good 69 ruined by a period
Have any you ever tried to throw out a garbage can ? I leave it on the curb everyday, and its always there when I get back from work.
Why were the people in the twin towers so upset? They ordered pepperoni and all they got was plane
What do Stephan Harper and pennies have in common? They're both useless in Canada.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one.
Even though his lawyer had told him to check the fine print, he hadn't expected this: it was the SEXIEST print he'd seen in years.
What is the most dangerous thing in america ? Ans: Nigger with a library card
My fellow Canadians, Complain about the heat just *once* and it will get taken away from us. Don't be the reason we can't have nice things
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it into a microwave until it's bill withers.
Why did the girls in *Requiem for a Dream* go ass to ass? They were just trying to make ends meet.
What do you call rice on 2 legs? Pi Ok, I'm leaving now.
Three rifles walk into a bar... ... and one of them was assault.
Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan
Bad joke I made but thought it was clever in 4th grade What do you get when you slice ice cream? Slice cream! ... I think I'll join the reposting group now...
I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won't activate the touch screen, I'm long gone.
Feminists hate words with masculine-sounding roots... ...maybe that's why none of them have any manners.
A man was walking through the woods with a little boy... It starts getting dark and the boy says to the man "I'm scared". The man replies "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone".
Today, the tree my family planted 15 years ago died and had to be cut down. I'm mourning wood.
Here's another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I've created a new strain of marijuana called halal haze.. . It's so strong... It'll get you stoned to death.
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert? "You owe me one cannoli."
Which is faster to unload, a truckload of bricks or a truckload of dead kittens? Dead kittens. Can't get a pitchfork into the bricks.
Smokey the Bear Why cant smokey the bear have kids? Every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
What is a dank memers favorite letter? A
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying 'cat'
How do Jews shower? The same as you idiot. First we get nice and we.. Wait, it's a trap! The gas its too mu... faint scream
I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they're such big fans but probably can't even name 3 of his songs.
What's for dinner? -A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Why didn't the melons get married? They were cantaloupes. ;)
If at first you don't succeed... skydiving isn't for you...
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok. He woke up.
Why doesnt Kermit like elephants? They always want to play leap-frog with him.
I had sex on a camping trip for the first time recently... It was fucking in tents.
Everything men know about women [ ]
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss* wtf? "dad i can explain" u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I'd make a wind pun But it blows..
What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic? Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
I was skeptical Apple was using child labor until my iPod arrived and engraved on it was, "Help! So hungry! Send Lunchables!"
April showers bring May flowers. But what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
So a group of nerve cells are mingling for the first time. They look really nervous.
Tangled earbuds are the new rubik's cube.
Q: When is a car not a car? A: When it turns into a parking lot.
So a crossfitter, an atheist, and a vegan all walk into a bar How do I know? Because they told everyone in the place within 30 seconds
The next time you are in a group and everyone is on their phones except you, go ahead and treat yourself to a fart. You earned it!
Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.
Forget everything you learned in college... ...You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are under qualified to work here.'"
You wanna know why me and my wife don't see eye to eye anymore after 26 years of marriage? She lost her legs so we're no longer the same height. edit: I'm sorry, I thought this was /r/antijokes
Forgot to pack tights so I'm wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
So i watched a scary movie last night. It was so scary my shit took a shit
Officer: You drinking? Me: You buying? Oh how we laughed and laughed.... PS: I need bail money.
I've finally taken the time to list my collection of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.
I see your "long walks on the beach" and I raise you "long Segway rides on beach" *peels off on beach throwing sand in dates face*
Wanna know what the hardest part of Roller Blading is? Telling your parents that you're gay.
A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did you hear about the new Jewish car? It stops on a dime and then picks it up.
I made a girl wet yesterday. I took away her umbrella.
Why can't the bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired
Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first? Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.
I got my dog a tinder... He loves chasing pussy
Instagram's down? What am I supposed to with my food, eat it?
What's the worst name a transvestite could choose? Amanda
I accidentally ordered a grande at Dunkin Donuts so I had to just keep speaking spanish so they wouldn't think I was a snob.
Lion King joke Q: Why is Simba an orphan? A: Because his dad couldn't Mufasa 'nuff
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
What did the fish scream when its tank cracked? "Dam-it!"
Q: What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog? A: Out, out, damned Spot!
What's the difference between a monster  and a mouse? A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans Free. - [*Darren Walsh*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)
To my American friends: On Sunday, don't forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 8,9,11
I don't mind the NSA reading my Word documents. It means that at least someone will read the first draft of my novel.
I went to Costco the other day... As I was checking out the cashier asked me " Do you wanna box?" I said "No, but I'll wrestle you!"
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
AGE 18: There's someone special out there for you! AGE 28: You'll find them one day! AGE 38: It'll happen! DEAD: Just be patient!
What shoes are hard to wear? Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.
I don't know why /r/deadbedrooms complains so much about starfish sex. Personally, it really turns me on when her arms grow back.
Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
"HEY I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY ASLEEP & STUFF, BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M LIKE 22 MILES AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW." -Trains
My girlfriend started eating my ass during foreplay last night, She asked "Have you taken a shower today?" And I said "What's a shower got to do with my asshole?"
Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
A parkourist walks into a restaurant He sees 5 jars. "What are those?" The waiter says "Some are suger, Summersalt"
Funny Fact Always happens to me : Study for one hour no one sees . But pick up mobile just for a second and MOM/DAD enters the room
If I could go back in time & change any event that would alter the course of history: I probably wouldn't have super sized that fry order.
Visitor: Wow you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them? Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.
I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Asian kid drinking alcohol under age Call that Jin-yung
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We do it in schools, because we have class.
Why should every woman know a C++ programmer? Because they'll always let friends access their private members. Ba dum tiss.
I hate to brag, but several ladies just asked me if I wanted a date. On multiple street corners.
What do you call an Asian woman on the moon? an Astronaut
It's great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don't feel like listening to people anymore
What falls first an apple or a black man? An apple because the balackman hangs.
How is the Torah like Kidz Bop? It's for yids, by yids!
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those that can extrapolate from missing information.
What do you call a Vagina's Poem? A Solliloqueef
How many Marines does it take to change a lightbulb? Four, one to change it and three to comment on the changing.
Can't put title, please read description Can't put description, please read title
I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
Jennifer Lawrence has said that those who saw her nude photos should cower in shame... ...I don't know about all that, but I did shower after I came.
Why didn't DiCaprio laugh at Oscar joke? Because he didn't get it.
Q. Where can you dance in California? A. San Fran-disco
What do Pokemon Go and Tinder have in common? Both give you a good chance of catching something
The British Pound? You mean the British Ounce.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don't like the French.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops* Sketch Artist: *draws my cat* Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
After reading about Rihanna's thug life tattoo, I think we all owe Chris Brown an apology.
I went to the zoo the other day, There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
Where do Sith lords go to shop? The Darth Mall.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair gets in the way.
I just found out that the reptile I had sex with last night had an STD Now I have a dino-sore
Where do snowmen go to dance ? Snowballs !
The human body is amazing; I ate no pickles today, yet I just produced a burp that tasted EXACTLY like delicious pickles.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a cold one. The bartender replies, "We don't serve food here".
What do you call the entrance to a prostitute's house? Hodor.
At School: What Does It Give You? "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" "Meat!" "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" "Bacon!" "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" "Homework!"
Whenever I go for a jog and it's raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.
What do you call a fishing prostitute A Hooker
Nutella is made with hazelnuts, milk, real cocoa and pure evil.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that's right...send.
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories? A: Violists.
Walks into a Bar A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile."
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait...
Just took a huge Nicolas Cage movie.
Where does one apply to be a "kept man"?
A man flashed three old women in the park. The first two women each had a stroke! The third woman tried, but she couldn't reach because her arms were too short.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth. Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.
A husband and wife go out to eat And the waitress asks "would you like any condiments?" They simultaneously reply "no thanks, we're married"
I used to be schizophrenic but I'm OK now. No I'm not.
I forgot to take my wallet out of my pants in the washer. I have committed money laundering.
Fact: Your elbow is the most delicious part of the human body. Try it.
Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars.
Why are dyslexia kids scared of Christmas? Satan comes down the chimney.
What did the gay Frenchman say to his boyfriend right before sucking his dick? Boner appetit.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
If you marry an 18 year old they call you a cradle robber.. So if you marry a 70 year old, does that make you a grave robber?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
What do you call the Dollar Tree stores in Britain? Pound Town
How do you circumcise a whale? Four skin divers
Family cookouts are spent telling me to "stop...don't say that"
What do you call a gore thriller that can't get enough funding? A film that needs morbids.
I got stung by an applebee and now I'm going into bananaphylactic shock.
A little fish uwu Once there was a little fish who wanted to be a journalist, he go "on air" and died...
Test post, do not click. You suck at following directions.
what is a feminists favorite branch of mathematics? Triggernometry
I've started a time travellers club The first meeting will be yesterday at 5pm
What's the difference between Bad Jokes and Dad Jokes? One starts with B and the otber starts with D
Antenna's Wedding Two antennas got married. The ceremony was awful but the reception was awesome.
Have you guys heard about the scarecrow... Have you guys heard about the scarecrow that got a nobel prize for being outstanding in his field?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. "6 fell down today". Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: "33 is drunk again".
Two wrongs don't make a right. But two Wrights make a plane.
Why can any hamburger run the mile in under four minutes? Because it's a FAST food!
Here's to tits! ...Cause No one ever said "I want to cum on her nice personality"
Inspecting mirrors Is a job I could really see myself doing it
If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make? The first airplane.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Did you hear that protons have mass? Na
Why do black guys always have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream.
What do you call someone who has sex for spaghetti? A pastatute.
What is called a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone with no dressing.
How do you make a 5yr old cry twice? When you rub your dick on her teddy bear.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Why did the twitter army lose all their battles? Because they kept retweeting.
Really sad news from the entertainment industry. Justin Bieber was found alive in his apartment yesterday.
Selfie Stick - Picture taking device used when the internet has made you so socially awkward you can't ask a stranger to take a pic for you
Jesus goes to a palm reader And she nailed it! Saw Gallagher last weekend and this had me in tears.
I ate too many rowing paddles Now I feel oar-full
You know what they say about incest... It's only relatively bad.
College doesn't prepare you for holding in farts in the workplace.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn't shy and introverted Alcohol: I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
What do you call a slutty fisherman/woman? A hooker.
What is the difference between a tire and a black man? The tire doesn't start singing when you chain it.
TIL it is impossible to look at your nose while sticking out your tongue without looking ridiculous.
[TIFU] I picked up somebody else's sandwich at Subway Ooops, wrong sub!
What is Beethoven's favorite food? Ba-Na-Na-NAAAAAAAAAAAA
Why was the Redditors jokes so unoriginal? Because he Reddit off the internet.
What do you get when you put a woman's face on a $10 bill? $2.23 in change.
Why is Spider-Man a bad boyfriend? He's super clingy.
911: What's your emergency? Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead 911: Can you verify that he's dead? *gunshot* Me: Yep, he's dead
He who farts in church..... Sits in his own pew.  (Courtesy of my wife)
The contestants on Jeopardy are always asking the stupidest questions. "What is bronze?" Read a book, you dummies.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Walked in on my Dad chopping up Onions and I started to cry Onions was a good dog..
What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion? Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone's house on fire. Either way, I'm prepared.
Christmas tree's for single mom's Just big enough for her to carry by herself
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
What do you call an Irish milkshake? Mashed potatoes...
She said she wanted to see other people So I bought a disguise
I asked Dumbledore what 3 + 5 was. It didn't know the answer because it was a dumb old door.
I've gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn't gonna get arrested all by itself.
What can turn a fruit into a vegetable? Jeffrey Dahmer!
What pronouns do you use to address a chocolate bar? Her/she
That moment when... ...you're on reddit too much and you say repost too often.
What's the worst gift to give to a Jewish person on Christmas? Literally anything.
That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" "Yeah," Drake sighs as he keeps walking. "She was."
My friend is color blind.. So I had to ask him... "How many fingers am I holding up?"
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has its pricks on the outside.
What do you call a couple of ones and zeros orbiting around each other? Binary stars.
What did the orphan say when the orphanage burned down? Nothing. He just laughed.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot
Me: I'm not going to drink in 2017 *in hospital 3 days later* Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot
I've decided to leave my past behind me.. So if I owed you money- I'm sorry but I've moved on.
What did the jealous prostitute say at the orgy? Don't blow this for me.
It makes me sad that the closest I'll ever get to 'hulking out' is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
sometimes i sleep naked just in case leonardo dicaprio breaks in and wants to charcoal sketch me
I'd tell you a good chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.
[If my dog could talk] DUDE, IT'S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I'M A GOOD BOY
What did the detective say when he tripped over a pretzel left by the perp? Well, that was an unexpected twist!
What's the difference between STD's and Pokemon? I still haven't caught any Pokemon.
How do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y
What is a Catholic's favorite weapon? Nun-chucks.
So, I was going to make a Gay joke butt fuck it
I like my coffee like I like my women Sent back for not being hot enough
1. You're confined to a hospital bed. 2. You're 11. 3. You sustained brain damage in a car accident. - Reasons to watch shows on "The CW"
What's better than a paradox? A pair of nurses
I was on a date with a girl last night... She told me she had an eating disorder. I looked at her solemnly for a minute and then asked her very nicely: "So are you gonna eat 'dis order of fries then?"
If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I like my women like I like my water Wet and slippery on the floor.
Man from Nantucket There once was a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he could suck it, he said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin, " if my ear was a cunt, I would fuck it!"
How can you tell if a girls tinder profile is fake? They're attractive!
Have you read the book about anti-gravity? Much like that one book, Old Yeller, it's pretty damn hard to put down.
Who is the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra sound guy. And who covers when hes off sick? The hip replacement guy.
Asked my dad to pass me a screwdriver. So he gave me a double vodka and orange juice.
What do you call a gay fly? a maggot
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He took a bite before it was cool.
What did the young witch say to her mother ? Can I have the keys to the broom tonight !
What's the difference between a dilapidated bus stop and a lobster with a breast implant? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. Heard very recently and just had to share.
If Bruce Wayne was Jewish, would he have had a bar mitzvah or a bat mitzvah?
What are Mitt Romney's favorite shoes? Flip flops
MurphySnowden Law of Fluid Dynamics Everything leaks out eventually.
Monica Blue Knock knock. Whos there? Monica Blue. Monica Blue who? Bill Clinton.
Once i did the "is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.." line to a muslim girl. Totally blew up in my face
What's black and screams Stevie wonder answering the iron
*octopus goes in for a palm reading* Psychic: "CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS"
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway across
I had to figure out what to do, to avoid a truck that had run a red light ... ... when suddenly I realized why the baseball had been getting bigger.
Gay guys in wheelchairs are like tomatoes. Are they a fruit, or are they a vegetable?
How long should you microwave fish for? Tuna half minutes.
Did you hear about the shop that only employed dwarves? It had to close because it was short staffed.
"Will he ever wake up?" He's been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull* *patient wakes up to turn off the music*
moron: "duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea" me: try getting tacos instead, genius
We Don't Swerve Blondes Here
Two chemists are at a bar. One says, "I'd like some water." The other says "I'd like some Hydrogen Peroxide." The second one died. Of cancer, many years later.
Websites that automatically play music are like strangers who try to talk to you on a plane.
Being human is OK, but I wish there were alternatives.
My pupil is dilated... ...6 inches. Guess I shouldn't have believed her nine months ago when she said she was on the pill. 13 year old girls are such liars.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn't have to end at work.
If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping  pong and died. What would they put on his coffin ? A lid !
He who laughs last is probably just really high.
I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs I'll be in my lab.
Why couldn't the potato get off the couch? Because it was baked.
My mother never attempted to wean me off of breast feeding. Just cut me off entirely one day... ...as if that first year of college wasn't difficult enough.
Two muffins bakes in an oven... Then one of them says " Damn it's hot in here!" Then the other screams... " AAARGH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
Oh vajazzled is definitely going on my bucket list. I'll pity the fool that has to jazzle my vag.
Just once, I'd like to open up my refrigerator and find cartoon versions of my favorite foods arguing over which one of them is healthier.
"Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in" *Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
A fish is made from just two atoms of Sodium. 2Na
What do you call a girl that sleeps with you for your Adderall? A total attention whore.
News Just In:More pictures leaked,the world rejoices...Iran uses oppertunity to attack Lets not get complacent,your lives could depend on it.
Hillary Clinton is gonna be our first f president Oops, someone deleted the emale
A guy goes to the doctor and is given a prescription. "Do I take this with anything?" "Yeah, your face."
Why couldn't the melons get married? Because they can't elope.
OC - Why shouldn't Spanish women smoke cigarettes? You shouldn't smoke if your pregnant.
All my friends are convincing me to travel to Northwest Territories... But I'm having Nunavut.
Why don't Muslims use contractions of words? Because in Islam, the penalty for apostrophe is death.
Blind prostitutes. You gotta hand it to 'em.
I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess ME: i sell human organs on the black market JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I suck at blowing up balloons That's probably why they never inflate
...: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy? 5y: mummy ...: why? 5y: mummy talks more
"Name?" queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If you don't pay your exorcist... You may get repossessed.
What did the cop say to the doughnut as he ate it? Rest in **police**.
An art teacher comes across a badly made nude painting. What does she say? "This butt a scratch!"
When they buried the man who invented Tetris... The whole cemetery disappeared. -Gary Delaney
Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race? He was always coming in a little behind.
What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow.
What should you do if you see your TV floating? Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy.
What do call you someone who feeds on comatose patients and pizza? A vegetarian.
Are you from Russia? Cause I'm Putin deez nuts on yo face.
Having dinner with my phone and some people.
What does a hardware salesman do on a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
I'm angry that only one company makes the game monopoly.
I swear I change my mind about this election every time I open up facebook. My high school friends are political geniuses!
I'm not a racist but. . . I fucking hate marathons.
Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren? Motorist: Sure that's why I sped up.
*accidentally deletes a tweet* MY LITERATURE!
Im sick of people calling America "the stupidest country in the world" Personally, I think Europe is.
At a business meeting: "How about SuperCupid?" "No, expectations will be too high" "GreatCupid?" "Lower" "Uhhh, OKCupid?" "Brilliant"
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brewster ! Brewster who ? Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo !
People think I'm a hugger, but I'm actually shaking them down for snacks.
I'd let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to put your phone off.
I'm going to have an ear transplant later tonight. Thanks in advance for the well wishes!
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire* "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I want to look hot on tinder.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Did you hear about the failed Origami shop? If folded.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
A magician was walking down the street... ... and then he turned into a store.
Who's up for some conundrum? What's the difference between a dwarf who digs for ore and an ogre who waits too long in a classy restaurant? credit: the late, great Dave Trampier
Just found out the Turkish President is getting into acting He shot a pilot a few month back
If we're talking and I suddenly look off into the distance at a copse of trees that means I'm thinking of burying you there.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.
WIFE: how old is your daughter? WIFE'S FRIEND: she's eight going on nine. ME: *whispering* That's how numbers work
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
What's a wombat for? For playing wom
What is it about glow sticks that makes me want to dance in a field wearing fairy wings? If only I hadn't taken so many drugs I'd know this.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawkings after a house fire.
What's long and black? An unemployment line.
Why has Mexico never won olympic gold? All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.
I'd sit on Ellen Pao's face... ... Just so I wouldn't have to look at it.
A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime... Because they de-liver for free.
My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ? Father Christmas wears a whole suit a dog just pants!
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
What is the best way to stop rape? Consent
Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large just that the viola player's heads are so small.
Why did Tiger Woods bring three socks instead of two? In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a German dust storm? A Jewish family reunion.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? You put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.
My wife removed the "G" key from our keyboard at home so I could appreciate the frustration associated with not hitting the spot.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I am living proof that you can "be there" and "be square".
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn't know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
What do you call the concentration camp prisoners who kept pestering the guards with questions? Askanazi Jews
Why did the cheese maker not enjoy the movie? &lt;in a Dutch accent&gt; Not much Gouda
Sorry if this comes across as offensive... Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train. One man shouts to the carriage "Air in the hands motherstickers!" The other man shouts "This is a fuck up!"
What do you call a circus full of mean people? A jerkus.
When I order a burrito with a coffee in my hand, I imagine the cashier is thinking "Wow, this guy must really love to shit!"
What would Martin Luther King Jr. have been if he was white? Alive
What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? One hundred sowsand bucks
What did the gay deer say when he left the bar? "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there!"
"Money isn't everything" - Someone with a shitload of dough
Wanna know my New Year's Resolution? 4K, baby.
If horses could talk I reckon they'd mostly just say 'Get off me'.
Fill in the blank: Friends are like_____ mine is "Friends are like trees, if you hit them with an axe they fall over."
If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.
Whoever named the ewe really didn't like female sheep
Bar joke A monk, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this? Some kind of joke?"
They say men think about sex every seven seconds. That's complete BS. We never stop thinking about sex.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It's only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
"You're stepping on all the cracks, but you don't have to worry about it because your mother's dead" - my seven-year-old to me this morning
What do you call an overpriced circumcision? A rip off.
I am against animal testing because there is nothing crueler than forcing a living creature to smell like Axe Body Spray.
Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?  One to get in and one to get out.
What do you get if you cross a rhino with an elephant? I don't know but it's not relevant.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Someone should make a joke about music... I've never seen it done on a major scale.
What's the best thing about blowjob? A moment of silence...
Why do black people have nightmares? Because one had a dream and died
Why is rotten egg the best comedian? He's got a funny yolk.
I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink* WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper "Perfect. Master will love you." This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace...
What do you call a line of iron cats? A Feline...
I had a muslim only party Last night was a blast
Ciger: close but no cigar.
What is the hardest part about playing soccer? Telling your parents that you're gay.
My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It's our sixth season together.
Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation? Sammy: No. They do!
I'm beginning to suspect I might have bad posture call it a hunch
What does a pizza boy and a gynecologist in have common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.
So I caught up with my mexican friend ..He told me that his wife give birth to their first son, just the other day. I said "Jesus really?!" He replied with "Nah, his name's Jose."
Low self esteem group meeting Please use the back door
I can't even I feel the phrase "I can't even" is rather odd.
What the difference between a Mexican and a bench? The bench can support a family my first post here, a friend told me this joke.
She's so ugly, the fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
How well did Jackson Pollock do in art class? He passed it with flying colors. /heyo
Hello I'm Janardhan and I just had sex with a hedgehog. It was a little prickly at first but then I stopped masturbating and just went for it.
Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say "when" and starts grating cheese on my salad I say nothing Room fills with Parmesan No one survives
Four years ago I asked a girl out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Whats long and black and hard to cut into? The line at KFC
My new thesaurus just came in Not only is it terrible but it's also terrible
Why don't they let whales into strip clubs? They tend to humpback.
Hi, my name is Chadical--I mean--Chad, and I'm a recovering bro. [group says "Hi, Chad" but one voice goes "Sup bro"]
What do you call a gay club in the 70's? Phallic! at the Disco
What's the best part about fucking 28 year olds? There's 20 of em'
Did you see that crazy news story on the internet? Of course. You reddit
MEN AIN'T FROM MARS AND WOMEN AIN'T FROM VENUS. BOTH YALL FROM EARTH AND BOTH OF YALL WACK
If you want people to get mad at you, just say that your not going to care about you're mistakes.
The difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic oyster shucker... The oyster shucker shucks between fits!
Whenever I'm tempted to talk shit to a perfect stranger on Reddit I always remember my mother's wise words: "Shut your fucking mouth, no one cares what you think."
Newlyweds tell the hotel desk clerk "we need a room we just got married!" Clerk says "would you like a bridal?" The husband replies" no I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."
The worst thing about babies is how little they appreciate all the sleep they get.
What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence? An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.
What do you name a dog with no legs? It doesn't really matter, he isn't going to Heel anytime soon.
What do you call a Mexican who has just lost his car? Carlos
"Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight."-You, counting your lucky stars.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
I like my drinks like I like my women With big cups.
Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"
Hey scientists, you gave us Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. How about you stop playing with your dicks and give us something for cancer?
What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure? A defetus
Q: How do elephants smell? A: Really bad.
My younger dog can go to sleep in about 4 seconds. The older one takes about 6 because she's got more shit to worry about, I guess.
Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken.
I hate when I click a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading.
The New England Patriots deflate balls to win a game... and get punished with a low pressure system.
What does Air bnb stand for? Bring no blacks
Life isn't about the moments that take our breath away. That's asthma. You're thinking of asthma.
Math teacher: What is the value of x? Student: She was my life.
So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library
Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along..
Why do stoners carry lighters everywhere? Because they don't have legs to walk, man.
[end of long conversation] HER: let me give you my number ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name? HER: ME: HER: k-i-m ME:
What do you call a spring break whore... ... a slip inside
I don't like blind jokes... I just don't see the humor in them
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
How was copper wire invented? 2 Jews bent down to pick up the same penny.
How do you know when you've played too much minecraft? When your friend wishes aloud that he could be creative and you tell him ,"your game mode has been changed."
Apple and Google are both working on self driving cars. Personally I don't think I want to ride in a car without Windows.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she's gonna be a drug mule.
I saw a woman texting and driving today and it really pissed me off... So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"
How do you pay a quiz master? with finances.
In the future, everyone will have to make a public apology for 15 minutes.
So, we're doing race jokes: What do you call it when 5 white people have sex? A family reunion
Trump supporters determined to hack berniesanders.com They're just waiting for their GED results to come in, so they can operate their computers.
Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting "boy, girl, boy, girl" used to be a punishment.
So many things have made me laugh today but not one of them was funny.
A STD You Can Get From Performing After performing, what STD did the performer get from the audience? **The Clap**
What do you do to a blind, deaf, dumb girl after raping her? You break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Why did dwarf laugh when he walked through a paddock? Because the grass tickled his willy :)
A joke one of my friends told me. "Hey_____ do you know how I like my men"? "umm no". "Like I like my coffee hot,black and will keep me up all night".
A woman is pulled over for speeding Cop: May I ask you why were you speeding? Woman: That is not possible, I think that Russians hacked your speedometer
My friend got into an accident while vacationing in Vietnam He got hit by a Truc.
I hate looking for a job almost as much I hate not having a job almost as much as I hate working. It's complicated.
Crimea River Crimea river - Putin
A girl went to Thailand for a week... And came back a changed man.
An iron rule of a leader  make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.
Why do blondes have "TGIF" on the front of their shirts? **T**its **G**o **I**n **F**ront
Hey guys, remember that one time, when Clinton was president and gas was a like a $1 a gallon and people had money and jobs and shit?
What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone
Why does Fred Williard keep Kleenex in his pocket? They come in handy.
Don't do drugs Without me
Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. Plus a portable phone an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."
an always fun part of dating an extremely cool girl is learning just how many of her guy friends are secretly in love with her
"Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby's coming" "We're not bring ur new chainsaw-" "HER NAME'S DEBBY"
Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? . I hear it's a catastrophe
I want to break up. It isn't you. It's a me...mario!
I told a rape joke the other day and a dude got mad. He said "I hope you have a daughter and she gets raped so you can see how it feels." Well I mean she'd have to survive the abortion first.
Why can't blind kids have imaginary friends? Their i's don't work
Thank God football is back on. I've been watching baseball for months and it's only the 7th inning.
Chris Brown only listens to his music.. on his Beats by Dre
Want to hear a construction joke? It's not finished yet.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
ME: i thought i saw a new color today WIFE: wait- is this..are you.. M: but it- W: oh no M: was just- W: dont M: a pigment of my imagination
Three really fat girls were cramped under one umbrella. Why didn't any of them get wet? It wasn't raining.
A guy walks into a bar... Ow!
Where does a vampire take a bath? In the bat-room (bathroom).
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The only time a man has ever asked me "do you have a sister?" was just to make sure he avoided dating her too.
There are 4 states of Matter Solid, Liquid, Gas, and Black Lives
What happens when you drop a decimal point in water ? it floats.
I wasn't mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I'm mad.
[PHONE] "TSA, How can I help you?" Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"
Did you hear about the bedbug? He was undercover.
The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.
Do you know why you will never go hungry in the desert? Because of the sand which is there. *edit: because of the sandwiches there.....
How many internet users does it take to change a light-bulb? I dunno. Let's just sign a petition so that hopefully somebody will do it.
Did your world end today? Mayan didn't
Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug. (Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )
How many jail guards does it take to change a light bulb? Why does it matter? Everyone knows the prison system can't change anything.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher! Hahahahahahahahah you guys have no idea how alone I am.
I use my notebook the same way I use my girlfriend. Just flip'em over every period.
Someone called me a horse today... I just looked at him and said "Nay!"
What did Mr.T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I pity the stool!
What do you do when you are done with the vegetables? You put them back in the wheelchair
What does a prostitute have in common with Sting? They both stop sucking when The Police are around.
Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom's on Mother's Day because that is what they are going to look like!
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
What do you call a chihuahua with a rainbow colored fur? Chihuehue
What is a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
"Dad do you believe in Buddha?" "Why of course but I think margarine is just as good."
*Paranormal Factivity* [I walk into my bathroom] "OH MY GOD" ['WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS' is written in blood on the mirror]
Your mom and a Volkswagon have something in common They're both 40 times dirtier than advertised.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? 'cause he was too far out man!
Somebody said that truth doesn't exist at all. And then an enthusiastic supporter shouted: "YEAH, THAT'S THE TRUTH!"
A black guy with a parrot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "wow! That is beautiful! Where did you get it?" The parrot responded, saying, "there are millions of them running around in Africa."
Let's all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
"It's a-WE, Mario." - Peach, shortly before the divorce
My wife likes to talk after sex.. So she called me from a hotel room. No Respect! RIP Rodney Dangerfield
I went as a congressional bill for Halloween.... I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.
Why is it that lawyers get sick? It's because they are *contract*ually obligated to do so.
An iPhone 7 walks into a bar ... I'll have a Jack please!
I recently opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats Prophets are going through the roof
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
Interview Employer: "This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want! At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible."
The best joke ever created. Feminism.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ? Disney Movies still touch kids
In response to Wikipedia's "price of a cup of coffee is all we need" fundraiser. I like my coffee like my wikipedia. Free!
What does DNA stand for? The National Dyslexic Association
Hey, John... Yeah? If killing a man is a homicide, then is killing a swiss person a suicide?
All these Fifty Shades of Grey jokes... Guys, stop, they're whore-ible.
What's the difference between 9/11 and Tianjin? I'm only 75% sure Jews did Tianjin
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance
What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stops at three Ho's
What was it called when the dragon from The Hobbit was thrown out a window? The Defenestration of Smaug.
If they put a woman on the cover of th $20 bill... Would it change its value to $15.60?
What religion do mosquitoes follow? Muslim, because they go to a mosque...ito. ^Sorry.
Why did the chemist join the Pentecostal church? He wanted to speak in tungsten.
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a streaker runs past them. The first one has a stroke The second one has a stroke And the third doesn't touch him.
How do you get two rednecks to play Banjo in unison? Shoot the first one.
Did you hear about the truck full of blueberries that crashed on the highway? It caused a traffic jam.
Sometimes I like to pretend I am a cat ...and ignore my wife until it is dinner time
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Like all great artists, Drake will reach a tipping point in his career And follow Snoop Lion's footsteps and reincarnate himself as Dragon.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school
Robin Williams joke from Bicentennial Man A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
What do we call that one small worm that won't shut up? A chatterpillar
"Wanna hear a chemistry joke?" "Na, man, I'm good." "Wow, you didn't have to get salty over it." (Chemically inaccurate but who cares, right?)
/r/jokes also went private, but not the whole thing Just jokes!
My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow
Spain now have the messiest prisons in the world. No messing.
What's the difference between a catholic and and a catoholic? One is devoted to following to rules laid down by those who consider their will that of the divine. The other is a type of christian.
Me I'm a joke.
fools cosa rara
What do you call people who hang out with musicians? Drummers
Have You Heard About the new KFC Hilary Clinton Special. its 2 small breasts, 2 large thighs and 2 left wings
Daddy daddy can I have another glass of water please? But that's the tenth one I've given you tonight!  Yes but the baby's bedroom is still on fire.
A deer stumbles out of the forest and says "that's the last time I do that for two bucks."
What do you call an explanation of an Asian cooking show? A wok-through.
"First gay marriage. What's next - people marrying dogs?!" *nervous glance at dog Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend
[first date] "so what do you do?" *thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I'm a hedge fund manager
"dad mom wont tell me where babies come from" *dad slams newspaper down* DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS *clenches fists* WHY WONT SHE TELL US
kley (Proto-Indo-European)-&gt; ,  (Greek)-&gt; clima (Latin)-&gt; climat (French)-&gt; climate Climate change is man-made.
I bet by the time you were done listening to The Fray's "How to Save a Life," the person choking on their food would be dead already.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Safari Barbie ...with rifle pith helmet and pygmy guide
Fun Fact: Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Yo mama's so fat... When she picked up a toddler the zoo keepers shot her.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts. So Disappointed.
"Look guys! No hands!" -captain of the Titanic
What did the dog say to the man? Nothing stupid, dogs don't talk.
Cut the shit, people who think I'm going to share my arm rest at the movie theater.
I was awakened last night by the bulimic lady in the apartment next door. I knocked on her door and said: "Please keep it down!"
"I'm better than you because I can fly and my body is a boat." ~ Ducks
A woman asked me how I view lesbianism the other day... Apparently "in HD" was not an acceptable answer.
Why was the pregnant woman screaming "wouldn't, shouldn't, couldn't!"? She was having contractions.
What do children in north korea study for a science? Kimistry
What do you call a fat Taylor Swift? Taylor not so Swift
I like the NSA They're the only government agency that listens
People who say they're 'living in the moment' must be hitting the refresh button like a motherfucker.
My clothes don't fit anymore. There's only one possibly explanation. America is shrinking my clothes.
So I was having sex the other day... I thought I was doing a great job because her toes kept curling, then I realized she was still wearing panty-hose...
Knock knock. Mailman.
Why did the concrete fail at its job? It couldn't take the shear stress
I've built a labyrinth for my pigs. It's ham-mazing.
Almost half the atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder... Was the sex really that bad?
You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."
You know what they say about amnesia... No, really. Do you know?
I don't get why I got fired today I was just doing my job... Stalking
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Donald Trump tells a joke to Hillary Clinton It was hillaryous
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory
There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.
Only 1 month left til black people misspell Kwanzaa.
What is Pinocchio's favourite kind of sex? No strings attached.
So a lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre... ...and the bartender gives it to her.
My Blonde neighbor says me and my friends suck at basketball. I asked her why and she said, "Because double teaming is against the rules"
I'm addicted to Halloween! Nobody seems to know how to "treat" it
Another Santa-Banta Joke During sex ,Santa suddenly stops &amp; remains motionless.... Wife: What the hell are you doing? Santa: I have seen this on youtube... Its called BUFFERING
Did you hear Helen Keller was an atheist? I guess she never saw the light.
Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.
Did you hear about the guy that copied a joke on /r/jokes? He insisted it wasn't a riposte.
Why did Pinocchio's nose get longer? Because he told his wife he cheated on her.
My ex-girlfriend was like an incompetent tailor... She didn't suit me.
Reddit, what is the most disgusting joke you know of? I'll start What does eating yoghurt and a girl on her period have in common? You never know when the lumps appear...
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam
What makes a barbershop quartet sound so amazing? They're on the cutting edge of musical innovation.
What's imaginary that my girlfriend and I afraid to forget? My girlfriend
Wanna hear a joke about Ebola? You probably won't get it.
My sister is a mathematician... She celebrates 4/20 on January fifth because it's just simpler that way.
What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time? Stall
I'm under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that's how weather works.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME!! Him: Ma'am please just take your pizza.
My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now. I need a drink.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I'm 73.
What do you call two lepers in a spar? Soup
According to scientists, the Gulf of Mexico may never recover from the spill. It's true what they say: once you go black, you never go back.
I ran into my dad earlier... Shitty driving must run in the family...
Policeman: Are you going to a fire? Motorist: No I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said  would happen if I were late again.
"Please note that WinRAR is not free software. After a 40 day trial period you must either buy a license or remove it from your computer."
I really wanted my kid to be a kid so I gave birth directly into the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese's.
Where's the best place to go on the first date? All the way
Why did the cowboy have a brown moustache? Cause he was Lookin' for loooove in alllll the wrong places.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
What do you call a sick Pokemon? Pikachoo
Why can't Hellen Keller drive? Because she's dead
It's so cold outside... I just saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
'hey babe, you fancy Amazon prime movie and instant video online demand service and chill later?' No thanks dad
I have been try to come up with a funny joke about leeches. I couldn't because they all suck
Tweeting and grocery shopping don't mix. I've been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone's baby.
My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights? An Insti-Gator
Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic. You're welcome.
The Tree Stooges: Moehogany, Cherry, and Curly Maple Alternate for Larry: Larchy
I had an awkward moment with my english teacher. Apparently pathetic fallacy has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction.
what car do people drive in Norway when it floods? the fjord escape
I had a terrible cross-eyed teacher in primary schoool She could never keep her pupils under control.
Why don't blacks like Tylenol? They have to pick cotton to get to them.
Why was the paper man sent to jail? He was caught rustling.
What do you get for the women who has everything? A divorce, then she'll only have half of everything.
The Story of 3 chinese immegrants
I'm not stalking you. I'm getting to know you behind your back.
What do cats love to read. catalogs
My sex life lately has been like very fine jewelry 100% handmade
What do you call fish that taste two times as salty? 2Na
What do you call an Irish threesome? Dublin up.
What do you call a bull that masturbates? Beef Jerky.
Did yall see the Ebola donation thing that popped up on Face Book the other day? I clicked not now, because I thought it was some kind of virus.
Why can't black people get PhD's? Because they can't get past their Masters.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? I won't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
Why are there no Walmarts in Syria? Because they're all targets
When I said "I hope you die," I was actually being really thoughtful. Do you really want to experience the unending burdens of immortality?
Why is Xena never charged with any crime? Because she's Lucy Lawless
I'm an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Height of noise Two skeletons having sex on a tin roof and using a can for a condom
Two parallel lines have so much in common Its a shame that.....
Yo momma so bald head she put a weave cap on and it weave her cull
We get it, painters: you love naked women and bowls of fruit.
I don't think Jesus would be mad if he came back and saw what the world has become. He might be a bit cross, though.
it's never okay to hit a woman ! wipe her make up and fight her man to man
[work email] Me: Can I meat the new guy? Boss: Meet? Okay, sure... Me: Great! *hides bag of steaks*
What do you call a bee from US? USB
The gun that killed Reddit Went **Pao Pao Pao**
Why did the elephant paint his balls green? Answer: to hide in avocado trees.. How did Tarzan die? Answer: Picking avocados
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me? That's just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
A surgeon accidentally removed a women cancerless breast.... Sounds like it was a mastec-to-my
I don't know why everyone's complaining about chip card readers. I have bad credit.
What do you do when you want to golf in a thunderstorm? Hold up a 1 Iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Andrew Jackson? One goes from black to white, the other goes from white to black.
PREACHER: any prayer requests? 3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Seen on the back of a Harley-Davidson Tee Shirt:   "If you can read this, my bitch fell off."
Why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good looking? All of those guys already have boyfriends.
How do you make 7 even? By removing the S
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles] interviewer: I meant like clients me: [removes cactus]
Michigan is the First State to Welcome Back Sub-$1 Gas Just flip on your water faucet and you'll get it for free
I saw two lesbians kissing in the park. "There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife. She said, "Yeah..." I said, "It's 9pm and my house."
If all the women in the world died at once.... It would be a pain in the arse
How many Redditors does it take to tell a joke? Two. One to post it and another to create a better punchline in the comments.
Damn Jared Back at it again with the white vans!
I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who`s dumb enough.
Whats the difference between a boner and lamborghini? Right now, I don't have a Lamborghini ;)
Why is a river really rich? It's got two banks.
CREATE PASSWORD - "123Bob". Password must contain no names, be complex and have over 50 characters. "GameOfThrones" Password accepted.
Today I saw Flash walking by, on the street. He must really be a shitty flash.
What's big, yellow, and can't swim? A school bus full of children.
What was said the boiled waters funeral? You will be mist.
If cocaine were an old cranky man... He'd say "blow me"!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How does a Mexican keep warm ? They use chicken for heaters
"Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you're calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line..."
So, I hear Islamic Mysticism is all you need... It's suficient.
They say that money can't buy happiness, give me 100 dollars & watch me smile 
what did 0 say to the 8? nice belt
How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
ME: I had salmon for lunch. WIFE: the L is silent. ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$ I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$
YOU CAN'T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to suck my dick.
What do you call a hooker at Christmas? A frostitute
Pineapple &amp; Semen Isn't it odd that pineapple makes semen taste good, yet semen makes pineapple taste like shit. Credit to Harris Wittels
Victoria's Secret recently invented a bra that contains Bluetooth speakers ... ... because so many women had complained that men stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.
Leave any two Arabs alone in a room and throw in a sharp stick... come back fifteen minutes later and one of them is going to have that stick in his eye.
Put the punchline in the title How do you ruin a joke?
What do you call a stampede that runs in circles? NASCOW
Has anyone said 'Julia Roberts makes me feel like I don't have enough teeth'? Because I'd like to say that.
Q: Why do marble statues look so mean? A: They have hearts of stone.
A pirate walks into a bar... The bartender looks up and says "Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your butt?" The pirate responds, "Yarrr, its driving me nuts."
What does a neckbeard say when make him laugh? You made m'laugh.
What do you call a gay guy in a coma? A tomato.
I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant. Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.
how many Frenchmen does it take to properly defend Frances borders? No idea, No ones ever tried.
How do you advertise a motor home? A trailer
So a Pokemon go user found a Mewtwo at a bar... 20,000 Pokemon go users walk into a bar.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.!
Q: What does an attorney wear to work? A: A law suit.
You know you're not a Harry Potter fan if: you think a parcel-tongue is someone who can speak to packages.
I wanted to rope down this mountain... but I found it quite rappelent.
Do you think the Tauntaun from The Empire Strikes Back got cold after Han sliced it open? Or do you think it kept lukewarm?
My Valentine is like the square root of -100... A 10, but imaginary
Why did they let the chicken join the band? Because he brought his own drumsticks
Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes? Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
How do you catch a wild bra? Set a booby trap.
What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
What are the man with no shoes say when he was forced to walk on broken glass? Fuck
Bought a jug of detergent that said it will clean 126 loads. ...So why, after 3 washes, do my sheets still glow under the black light?
Don't kiss me, I don't have the insulin for that. Tell me your diabetic jokes.
A mushrooms walks into a bar... ... The bartender yells "Get the hell outta here!" The mushroom says "But why?! I'm a Fungi!"
A man is buying an apple, a banana, and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
The year is 2075. A student asks how World War 3 began. The teacher responds with "Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie..."
Who was the best boxer of all time? Jim Jones, he knocked out 909 people with one punch!
I don't repeat gossip So listen carefully the first time
Crush: "Hey!"  Me: *Retard mode activated*
Heard they are making the Tetris movie into a trilogy... They must think its going to be a real blockbuster.
What gets very small when exposed to cold? **YOUR PE**..anut butter ice cream crave
Whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay 200 to have a lentil on in my mouth
I used to work at a trampoline factory It had its ups and downs
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Why is the number 6 always angry? Because 789
Why does the american loose at billard ? Beacause he always shoots at the black one.
Life is like pizza. It makes you fat.
Mean people tell me "you've got a face only a mother could love" but the joke's on them because she didn't
Why do farts smell so bad? So the deaf can enjoy them too.
"There's a party in my pants!" Sadly, they only RSVP I've received was from myself.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Why were the letters a-y banned? They were all nazis
Contrary to the rest of America, Twitter runs on drunken.
I saw this sign that mad me shit my pants. It said 'bathroom closed'
I've bought drinks for guys and not as an equality thing but because when I'm drunk I forget that money is real.
DOOM 4. All of the guns suck, so we made punching take forever.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb Juan.
When is a shirt not a shirt? When it's attire.
What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from "Married" to "It's Complicated."
Hi we're a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can't ever find our dog.
Are limericks still in? There once was a genie with a 10 foot wienie so he showed it to the woman next door she thought it was a snake so she hit it with a rake and now it is 5foot 4
If I get one upvote I'll get drunk by myself tonight. Edit: Well okay, thanks Reddit, I upvoted it myself.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church early? Christian Bale
What's Whitney Houston's favorite coordination? Hand eyyyyyyyyyyeeeeee......
snickers where r mah snickers
When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.
another candidate got the job i applyed for at Senate Office whomever you are, i hope your happy with that analist position you stole from me.
I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA
15 year olds be like I remember 9/11
What did the police officer want from the criminal store? Just ice.
I need to get my spine removed.. It's been holding me back my whole life
"you create beauty with your soul and personality! and also with not being fat and with using this make up." - women's magazines
If I have HIV I hope I find out from a Doctor, like Charlie Sheen did And not from the TV, like his ex girlfriends did.
Why didn't Peter Jackson cast any black actors in The Lord Of The Rings? He was afraid they wouldn't be taken on their merits, that they'd just be seen as Tolkien blacks.
What do you do when a Chemistry teacher dies ? Barium
My girlfriend went blind I hear when people lose one sense, it improves their others. Maybe she will improve in her sense of humour.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run!
Two guys from Michigan wake up in Hell....... ...and they go about there day, and live there daily lives as citizens of Hell, Michigan.
What did the Hungarian say to the annoying kid? "You're nothing budapest!"
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
They say a woman's work is never done... Maybe that's why they get paid less than men.
Did you hear about the new German microwave? It seats 8.
I had sex in a hall of mirrors. I was fucking beside myself.
Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays? Inflation
[argument w/girlfriend] HER: you know what your problem is? ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i'm about to find out
I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks. All credit to Emo Phillips.
oh hey mom. no i'm just Skyping with my girlfriend. what do you mean am i just playing a Vine of a girl saying i love you over and over
What do you call a bicycle made just for grandpas? A popsicle!
Kind of a pick up line? I wrote you a song but it's only one verse... But it's only because you're my UNIVERSE ...lol...
So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old... I told her "why bother? You'll be 14 in a few years anyway"
A Montage Video of My Life Except every time I disappoint someone, it gets faster [0:08]
I'm still a little pissed we didn't get to keep the tail through the evolutionary process.
Went on a date with a single mom... It was going well until I told her I didn't care about her kid; I just wanted to play with the box it came in.
What does a pirate's beard feel like? Corsair. (works better in a pirate accent)
Plans are already underway for a Trump Library... It's the first time a Presidential library will have *just* scratch and sniff books.
Which strip club does Obama go to? The Illuminaughty
Me: How many legs does the dog have? 4 y.o: Five Me: There's something wrong with your counting. 4: There's something wrong with the dog.
Me: You say all the right things. Her: I didn't say anything. Me: Shhh Don't ruin this for me.
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don'tserve food here."
Why did 5000 Mexicans show up to fight at the Alamo? They only had two cars.
What has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
What comes in pairs? seeds
I know this girl who's a total butterpoliticalviews.
Sorry I can't go out. I forgot to charge my phone halfway though the day.
What do you call bread from heaven? 100% holy grain
I told Leonardo DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars... He didn't get it.
An Amnesiac Knocks on the Door Knock knock. Who's there? Amnesia. Amnesia who? ... ... Knock knock.
Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.
Why was the two-dimensional emo sad? Because nobody would ever know how deep he was.
This is the most offensive joke I know What's the best part about having sex with a six year old? Watching her fall apart on the witness stand.
I just invented a new word! Plagiarism
What's the difference between a wedding and a funeral? One less drunk.
Life is like a gluten allergy.. It seems like everybody but me has one.
What do you call a Mexican midget prostitute? Cunts-way-low!
How do you get down off a horse? You don't, you get down off a duck.
A priest, a rabbi and a duck all walk into a bar... [put your best punchlines in the comments, I couldn't think of anything]
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl one one hand. It's zero, because I've never been to Chernobyl.
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure now I see the spots much clearer.
You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don't want to talk to.!
How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who gives a cluck? (I wonder if the moderators will censor this joke merely on the grounds that it is categorically terrible?)
Why do Canadians not pay attention to their local wildlife? Because there's nothing to care-aboot. (caribou)
I put a beaker of sodium hydroxide on a biography. It was base on a true story.
What did the blind and deaf kid get for Christmas?? Cancer.
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!" The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
Instead of calling it them locker combinations.... We should call the locker permutations.
Misfortune Cookie After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, "Be quiet for a little while." His read, "Talk while you have a chance."
*Ok, don't let them know you're a dog* Him: The job is yours. Here's the keys to your new office. [tosses keys] *catches keys in my mouth*
Being calm is not something I rate.
I turn to my brother and ask Hey bro, what's the most you've jerked off in one day? "About 3 dudes".
I bought a pig for $100 and named him Moo-Ham-Head, I then sold him for $150. Does that make him a profit?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world Those who know this joke and thought it was a repost. And those who don't know the joke and are confused right now
What happens if you pee on Putin's head? Urine big trouble...
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world's largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Who took care of German army dogs after the war? Veteran Aryans
You know the difference between Lego and Sex? If you had to click, then... you'd better stick to Lego.
Something something Reddit something something Ellen Pao GUYS, DID I DO IT RIGHT, GUYS?! DO I GET THE FREE POINTS NOW?!?!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
My brother is so immature he was a stillbirth
If I had a time machine I'd take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
What is the fiercest animal in the savanna? The *itseems*. Because the lion is not as fierce as it seems...
I found a dead mouse in my mother's basement. Honestly, I hate being a gynaecologist sometimes.
How did Hitler originally get into power? "Let's make Germany great again"
[Airport security] Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes Centipede: No problem. I'll just run. I have 100 legs. Guard: Remove your shoes
What did Jeffrey Dahmer sing as he went to the refrigerator? My Bologna had a first name.
I told my girlfriend to roleplay as a a Lvl 100 Charizard while we were having sex. She scratched me and told me that I didn't have enough badges to train her.
"I know what you look like naked" - me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.
Donald Trump wants to ban selling pre-shredded cheese... ...he says it will make America grate again.
So a baby seal walks into a bar... The bartender asks "what can I get you?". The baby seal replies " anything but a Canadian club on the rocks".
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger...
I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for 'Im sorry'?
I love dead baby jokes They never get old
We're out of toilet paper, also don't pet the cat.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back
A man walks into a bar.. ..all the bottles fall down.
How is Bud Light like sex on the beach? they're both fucking close to water
What do you call a Gay Dinosaur? A Megasaurus
Pimples are a rising issue And a pressing matter
I Am So Depressed. I Think Suicide Is The Only Answer. If my bitch ex-wife would just commit suicide my life would be so much better.
Why cant you email a photo to a Jedi? Because Attachments are forbidden.
Knock knock Who is it? GESTAPO GESTAPO who? VEE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
I almost forgot to wish a happy St. Patty's day to... ...Barack O'Bama Got this from Neil deGrasse Tyson's Twitter.
Why are gangstas afraid of the rain? Cuz they roofless.
The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
I've got a good knock-knock joke, but you have to start
Another night, another chance to put a flaming skeleton outside a little girl's window and then hide it when she tries to show her parents.
A horse walks into a bar...... A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey SICCNESS206, put your pants back on"
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
Rick Astley will loan you any movie in his Pixar collection except for one... He's never going to give you Up
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What did Frankenstein's monster say when he was struck by lightning? Thanks I needed that.
I'm okay with Rob Ford illegally using the HOV lanes... He technically counts as three people, doesn't he?
Did you hear about the Scooby Doo villain who became an Olympic swimmer? He would have won, if it weren't for all those medaling swimmers!
Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.
I saw a construction sign today that said, "road rehab". It must've been addicted to crack.
Barista: Latte for Waldo Barista: Do we have a Waldo here Barista: Where's Waldo Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
If I had a dollar for every maths exam I failed I'd have about $6.50 right now
My girlfriend said I was stupid for taking unnecessary risks. At least I think that's what she said. I was too busy trimming my pubes with a chainaw at the time.
Did you know there are bees that produce milk? Yeah, they are called boo bees.
What do you call a black astronaut? An astronaut you fuckin racist
Just had a very embarrassing misunderstanding with my new Irish girlfriend. Turns out she just wanted me to take her in the Yaris.
my mom's cat has been in our family since 2002 and i never saw it get a boner til tonight. animals are awful and perverted
What do you call a theatrical performance about puns? A play on words
Her: "Your funny" Me: ".... Uh ya... this isn't gonna work"
What do cats and people that submit jokes with the punchline "PLAGIARISM" have in common? THEY BOTH LICK THEIR PAWS!
What do you call the sweat between two rednecks having sex? Relative humidity!
Why USD erected so fast? Why falling US$ erected so fast after GFC?
Why did Farmer John let his grapes go dry? He had his raisins . . .
In a Mediterranean restaurant...(xpost /r/puns) What did the sick chef say to the bus boy? "Oh man, I feelafal"
How do you make a dog smile? Suck its dick.
The most courageous thing a TV show can do now is keep all its characters alive.
I sexually identify as a Canadian... I'm eh-sexual.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I used to have black friends. Until my dad sold them all.
My wife refused to do anal. She said she had a Boo-T-I.
At least my masseuse has my back.
ever have sex while camping? it's fucking in tents
Lame joke: "What do you get when you combine a vampire and a snowman?" Frostbite.
I have a friend who is half-Indian... He's Ian.
AC Jokes We're not a fan.
What do you call a girl on the grill? Patty
I wish I was filled with pepperoni but instead I am filled with guilt & despair
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Which two names figure prominently in every Ape's diet? Ben/Anna!
Joke's on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."
What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjolnir all day? He gets thor arms!
Why didn't galactus consume the milky way? He was galactose-intolerant. I'm sorry.
What is most popular hearthstone deck in Germany? Patron Warrior because Everyone Get in Here
Did you hear about the guy who drunk brake fluid everyday? He's ok he can stop whenever he wants.
Aspirin is a Placebo!!! That sense of relief you're feeling is all in your head.
Why do flamingos stand on one leg? If they lifted the other leg they'd fall over.
Why is a woman's asshole like a 9 volt battery? Because we all know it's wrong but sooner or later we're gonna put our tongue on it.
What's the difference between spinach and sodomy? None really. You can add as much butter as you want, kids just won't enjoy them.
Why did the little Dutch boy get kicked out of the gay bar? He kept putting his finger in the dikes.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
A book fell on my head today... I've only got my shelf to blame.
"My wife is like Whiskey." "Oh yeah, she gets better with age?" "No, she gives me a headache."
My mom should have been on a plane that crashed on 9/11 *I* think.
"On my way" I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey But then I turned myself around. So that's what it's all about.
if i were a cab driver, i'd scream "ROAD TRIP" every time i got a passenger
What do you call tiny batman? Lil Wayne
CONSERVE ENERGY: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
What does Batman like in his drinks? Just ice
Toasts are like parents... If they are black, you have nothing to eat
Joke Who wants hear a pun about ghosts?
A man walks into a zoo... ...the only animal in the whole entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
What do you call a paedophile with no legs? A creepy crawly!
Why did the termite eat a sofa and two chairs? It had a suite tooth.
What do you call a grunge gardener? Hedgy.
Don't let the notion of being bad at something keep you from enjoying it Ask my wife.
What did Lord Nelson say to his shipmates before they got on the ship? Get on the ship
Why do porn sites have a share to Google plus button I don't want my friends to know I have Google plus
I heard a joke about the swiss the other day But the punch line was too cheesy to repeat.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you'd be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
What do all dogs get with their phones? Collar ID
One blonde says to another, "I slept with a Brazilian last night". The other blonde says, "Wow, how many is that"?
What did the man say to the priest at the beach? Do you mind getting out of my son.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won't get another chance like this.
What do you call a serial bail man. Cereal flakes
I got pulled over for running a stop sign. The cop says, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you're rubbing me the wrong way.
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? A Pokemon.
Do they have any car wash in Albania? Yes. They call it "rain"
What do you call a whale that isn't wearing any underwear? Free Willy
You're Girlfriend is the square root of -100. She's a 10, but she's imaginary.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Buh dum tsss
Why a centipede cannot fly coach? Not enough leg room!
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
A roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The barkeeper looks at him and says "mate, don't you mean a martini?" The centurio answers "if i wanted a double i would've ordered it!"
What do you call a Skydiving criminal Condescending
I like my women how I like my coffee... Without a dick.
When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper "suck it" under my breath.
VERY angry at @united flight attendant who REFUSED to let me ride as a lap baby
The poor sentence got hurt while riding his bike... He got his dangling modifier stuck in the chain.
Donald Trump is a presidential candidate I can relate to Both of us have fantasies with Trump's daughter
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Why is it called PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Blow a little boogie into it!
My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying "try again bro."
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.
What did one saggy boob say to the other? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code Take one down, patch it around, 116 bugs in the code!
Why Can't a Nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
Planet joke. If you make a cake that looks like Mars, could you say it's out of this world? ;)
I've said this to countless medical professionals. Nobody's laughed yet. "Does my chart say what blood type I have? I can never remember." "O+" "Oh... [insert troll face] Positive?"
Q: What did the head trauma patients do when the price of medicine went up? A: They went on stroke.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out standing in his field!
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
Image sharing sites before E3 are just like a toy vegetable stand Full of fake leeks
[Rorschach test] Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps Dr: I think we can skip the others
What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel? I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.
Me: this doesn't seem right Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists M: yeah D: im the one *he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on." I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."
Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it the fcuk off?
A cunt. What do you call someone who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the joke?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane's about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do?? ME: *slowly stands up*
The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us. He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone...
What do you call Islamic death metal? Allahu Rockbar.
What do you call a hacker who can see the future? A 4chan teller.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Buh dum tss!
What is easier done than said?
[Game of Thrones Spoiler ALL BOOKS Fan Theory] Benjen, Bran, Daario, Euron, Syrio, Jaqen, and Coldhands walk into a restaurant.. and say: "Table for one, please."
What's Serena Williams' favorite time of day? Ten-ish.
Why don't we let Google Chrome drive? Because it crashes all the time. *Disclaimer - shameless chrome user*
What do princess diana and pink floyd have in common? Their last greatest hit was the wall.
"Hey man, for our grammer project, do you think we might get an A?" "We shall C"
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you're a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it's hot -pooping
People of Twitter: If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
A man in North Korea got given 40 years in a labour camp for calling Kim Jong Un an idiot... 5 for slander, and 35 for revealing state secrets-
I hate Christmas. I work throughout the year to afford gifts, and the fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit. Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.
What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other? A colour scheme.
A man walks into a bell tower and shoots 16 people... America responds by restricting access to bell towers.
Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
Here's a joke about procrastinating
Why do scientists love watching dog shows? They appreciate good lab skills
[date with girl I met at the park] Waiter: is everything ok, sir? Me:*fighting back the tears* Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.
[Entire house is full of trees] Girlfriend: What did you do?! Me: You told me to spruce things up. GF: Everything's stuck to everything!!!
Love is like a cup of hot coffee on a rainy day... It gets cold really fast.
Quizzes...... If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent...well played...
Guess what I saw? wood
What did the grape say after the elephant stepped on him? Nothing, he just let out a little whine.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head... with a hammer.
Did you hear about the Mexican painter who lost two fingers? After the incident, he could only tres.
How do you pump a Republican for information? With a plunger.
Did you hear about the shortsighted circumciser? He got the sack.
I get nudes from Adele Sorry, *a dell*
My Irish friend was telling me about his uncle. "My uncle's a cop, you know," he said. "Oh, really?" "No, O'Riley."
Simba was going too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill - I will show you the Matrix.
Me: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. H: You do realize I'm your husband, right?
Why were there so many Hawaiian lei's at the funeral? the obituary read "Please send donations in luau flowers."
What kind of TV show do felines watch? Catoons
Did you know that 50% of asian businessmen have cataracts? The other half have BMW's.
Me: I can't seem to lose weight CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[bday party] Mum: happy birthday son Me: wow that's a huge cake! Mum: its full of bees Me: what Mum [backing away]: I said it's cream cheese
just a thought... if Jesus was born a Jew and his father is God, does that mean god is Jewish?
Have you heard Adrian peterson used to play baseball? He might play for the twins this year. Apparently he is a switch hitter.
Women's rights. want to laf again? **WOMYNS RITES!!!** el oh el
Did you hear Jesus was pissed about his birthday gifts? He was pretty incensed by the whole ordeal.
Hey, have you heard about.... A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I want to start selling arm prosthetics globally Because then I'll be an international arms dealer.
Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
How do the Muslims like their eggs cooked? Sunni side up. I know this is a Shiite joke.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.
What do people do in Greece? Slip and slide around.
Girls want a Guy that's a gentleman and a Bad Ass! Girls want a guy that's a gentleman and a bad ass. On first dates, I wear a tuxedo and an eye patch!
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me... I suffered super fish oil injuries.
I found a wallet today As a good Christian I thought: What would Jesus do? So I turned it to wine
What do a dildo and tofu have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up? He wanted to double his prophets.
How did the rice crispy propose to the cornflake? It Snapped, Crackled and Popped the question.
What do bears get at raves? Mauly.
Why I need feminism A guy once told me that he disagreed with me. This is why I need feminism. He shoudn't be allowed to say that.
The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.
How is Twitter like Game of Thrones? There's 140 characters, and they are all terrible.
How long does an owl live? six and a half books.
I feel like when life gives me lemons I just give them back because I hate holding stuff.
Michel J Fox walks into an ice cream parlor. He orders a large cone with two scoops what flavors does he choose? It doesn't matter he's just going to drop it anyway
Hitler Where did Hitler keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner five in another and two in another how many would you have ? Pupil: One big haystack !
So a blind guy walks into a fish market... And says Hello ladys
Why are power tools good for bank robberies? They know the drill.
Damn girl, did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
Why was six afraid of seven? (twist) Because seven was a registered six offender.
Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.
Prove you're not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
When was the last time the Indians were the champions? Before Columbus came.
Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
I like my women like i like my coffee Ground up and in the Freezer. CREDIT: Friend told this one
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Dirty Harry Barbie ...comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says "Go ahead >giggle< Make my day!"
I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition. It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.
New Year's Eve probably sucks for Lance Armstrong... He can't enjoy watching the ball drop.
*barges into bank with guns drawn Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt! *hands out sunglasses all around Nice. Nice.
Why cant some one stay straight while playing hide n seek in IKEA?... ...cuz they'll have to come out of the closet at some point.
I started reading a book about anti-gravity... ...now I can't put it down.
I just checked the weather for Iraq Looks like it's partly cloudy with a chance of bomb.
sdkgnosdngosdg;klm'gtmq[rasmgladmgladmgladmngksdngksdnkgnadkfgnkasgnkpasngksangkasngkdsgksgnkdgnkdgk; I just hacked the CIA [redacted]
I've had many traumatic experiences with Mexicans... I don' wanna taco 'bout it.
Wouldn't it be great if twitter had a roped off VIP section where celebrities could keep their boring tweets to themselves?
Great Barrier Reef is 'almost dead', say scientists It is officially being downgraded to a "Good Barrier Reef".
Best African soccer team EVER! the French National team...
White people will swim with sharks, wrestle with alligators, and sleep with tigers.... ....but get nervous when a person of color walks by. Sounds about white.
The reason women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees The man will start unzipping
What do Muslims do at a Rammstein concert du fast
How can you tell if an elephant has been in the fridge? There are footprints in the butter
Why don't you see any slow black people? They're all in jail.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my uncle Charlie Not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the  three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.
What do you call a Muslim on a plane. The pilot, you racist bitch.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses? HE-MAN: Well, I- *job interviewer's fake mustache falls off and it's Skeletor*
I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!
What do you call batman when he skips church? christian bale
The most artistic boxer Just watched some Evander Holyfield highlight videos. Such artistry! He's like the Vincent Van Gogh of the boxing world.
What is worse than bad grammar? pour grammar
Two crows sitting on a fence. Attempted murder.
Do you have oxygen and potassium? Because you seem OK. I'm not sorry
Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.
Want to know a 100% effective form of birth control? Abortion 0_o
Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.
A little boy says, Dad,....... A little boy says, Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.' Son,' says the dad. That happens everywhere.'
I've been listening to Spice Girls for hours now..and I need to stop.. so I told my self to stop.. Stop right now....... thank you very much, I need somebo..... GOD Damn IT!!
How do you get teh bee off the toilet? You piss it off.
Office Scare Prank
Advice needed, please, on cooking roadkill What do you do with the bike?
Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
What is the slowest ship? A snail boat.
Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Pros and Cons of Easter Pro: Eating a chocolate bunny that's hollow inside. Con: Looking in the mirror and realising you're the same.
What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons? Jose and Hose B
What do you call someone who smokes two doobies at once? Double jointed. What do you call someone who can smoke three at once? Dead. Don't do drugs.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn't read the entire article.
What kind of computer can't sing? A Dell
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes
If I had a daycare, I think it would be awesome to get each kid to wear one of those backpack-leash things and make them pull me on a sled.
I wanna make a toast, to all of you. But i have no bread.
Why did the nun call the Womens helpline? because she was touched by Jesus.
My friend hates theme parks because he doesn't like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he  still goes on dates.
Solving constipation How do you solve constipation? Rape.
When I blow myself up in a streetside cafe I expect 72 fleshlights in heaven.
[on date] girl: "id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married" henry the eighth: "our food sure is taking a while"
How much does a hipster weigh? ....An instagram.
Three women are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are... One can fit in a sausage, one can fit in a cucumber and the third one just slides down onto the bar stool.
What do you call a bitchy oak? A country
I was having sex last night and had an epiphany right before I climaxed... I guess you could say that I came to a realisation.
Do you know whats really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2.
If I were an attractive girl, I would introduce myself as Hottie McHotterson because I would still be an asshole.
(Original) did you know that if you squeeze one of your balls hard enough you'll cum? Because sooner or later you'll bust a nut
I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I'm sitting in timeout tweeting this.
Needs a Facebook button that says  What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face.  Put it beside the Like button. Just a suggestion.
[restaurant] WAITER: And to drink? ME: I'll have a coke and a pepsi. WAITER: Is pep...um...Is cok...ok...Is...I...what.. *waiter spontaneously combusts*
What do frogs drink ? Hot croako !
Wow 15 notifications.. oh wait 13 of them are for farmville, cityville, I dont give a shit-ville
Women are like a 1000 piece puzzle... Hard to finish in 10minutes
What is a horse's favourite sport? Stable tennis!
What's the hardest part about nailing a baby to a tree? My penis.
You can't live on Cheetos and Oreos alone. But God knows I've tried.
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?.... the holocaust
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Did you know that clumsy people are more likely to be obese? That's because they keep walking into things.........like McDonald's.
A doctor reaches in his jacket for a pen.... and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh great, some asshole's got my pen!"
What is a pedophile music teacher's favorite chord? A minor.
Everything always ends well. If not  it's probably not the end.
What does Pingu say when he feels suicidal? Noose Noose
If attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler.
Did you hear about the farmer who was a heroin addict? He had to quit in the end, because he couldn't find a needle in a haystack.
What is a shoe made out of a Banana called? a slipper! I've been telling this corny ass joke around campus and everyone seems to like it haha.
*puts finger over your lips* Shhhhhhhhhhhhh *feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
"This is bullshit" - bull farmer giving barn tours
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
A Short Offensive and Original Joke What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people? Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.
I saw a van covered in dirt... I saw a van that was covered in dirt &amp; someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van". I wrote "she is-when you're at work!"
Q: You can sleep on it, brush your teeth with it and sit on it, what is it? A: A bed, a tooth brush, and a chair.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
You know why I was mad after I had sex with the women I love? Because she woke up
Why is a train like a stick of gum? One goes choo-choo; the other goes chew-chew.
According to my mom, Michael Jackson died again. #RIPPrince
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
That little dance your thumbs do when you don't know how to reply to someones text.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it'll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
When is the appropriate time to kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
I could not stop my baby boy from crying so I poured no tears shampoo in his eyes, it didn't work.
What do you call a computerized rock band? ASCII/DSCII
The world is made up of kids who can't wait to grow up...and adults who wish they hadn't.
[Baby crying in a movie theater] Me: "What's his name?" Parent: "Ethan." Me: "The movie's starting, Ethan."
What do you get when you cross a feminist with a non-feminist? Triggernometry
How do you count cows? with a cowculator.
Katie Price's first task in Celebrity.... Katie Price's first task in Celebrity Big Brother is to not get pregnant or married in the next three weeks.
What do you do if a purple elephant and a multicolored horse are following you? get off the merry-go-round! :)
A journalist is interviewing a five hundred pound man with paper thin skin who is getting a full body skin transplant. The reporter asks if he is excited. He says, "I can barely contain myself!"
Does Lance Armstrong enjoy cycling? Of course he does! He has a ball!
Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you
What did the gay man say at the bar? "Hey, can I push in your stool?"
You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing.
What happens when you put 50 different grey ions together? Bondage.
My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and the bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve food in here.
You'd think strip poker would be more fun but Grandpa is horrible at cards.
What are a philosopher's favorite type of chips? Plato Nachos
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I told a joke about Hurricane Katrina the other day. It failed to make a splash.
What's an alcoholic's favorite book? Tequila mocking bird
What did Hitler smoke? The Jews.
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger? Or Mr. Bigger's baby? The baby, because it is a little Bigger.
A grasshopper walks into a bar And the bartender says "I have a shot named after you" The grasshopper replies "you have a shot named Steve?!" My bartender friend told me this, thought I should share
You know whats the problem with Proctologists.... They always butt in.
What do you call an intelligent blonde? A Labrador.
What do you call a rifle that has been fired recently? A shotgun
My friend from Pakistan said he hates his job and can't take it anymore "It will get better", I said. "You have your whole life ahead of you. You're only 12 years old."
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?
Around me, girls tend to lie when they're drunk... Especially on their back
Super hot girl working the snack stand at the theater ... and I just ordered a "cockporn with extra butter". Thanks brain.
I like my beer like I enjoy my violence. Domestic.
"Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation." -me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip
Cello Green has T-Rex arms.
If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old,and tell them its santa clause.
What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains? If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.
"I can't feel my legs" --mermaids
What part of the body never wins? Dafeat
AC changed bail to basil, and now I'm sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Remember, he who laughs last is the idiot who took forever to get it.
No one's laugh sounds like "bwahahaha." NO one.
I told a newcomer in prison that the other inmates were heavily interested in astronomy. When asked what I meant, I said, "They are particularly interested in Uranus, so you don't want to moon them."
I was really hesitant about this new haircut at first.... ...but I'm starting to like it you know. It's really growing on me. Sorry I'll leave now.
Which murderer is the safest to be stuck in an elevator with? The ax murderer of course. He will always ax you before murdering you.
Damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary? Because you left before I even finished my sentence
This spa was amazing! Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
What type of weather has the worst attitude? Darude - Sandstorm
What do you call a partying Hansen's disease patient? A social leper.
Did you guys read about the fence that got knocked over this morning? Dont worry, it'll probably be reposted before the weekend is up.
How will future generations contact Beyonce's ghost? They'll hold a Beyonceance.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Why did the Jedi kill his master? To get to the other side. ...Told by my brother last night
Mom, what's an orgasm? I don't know, ask your dad.
Get rich or die of poverty-related causes
where did the lone ranger take his trash to? to the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
My burrito brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, "Careful, everything is falling out from the other side."
What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire? That he needed to address the situation
My liver works harder for two days than I do all week...
What shouldn't you do at a funeral? The corpse.
Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn't like her.
Why is the rabbi in geometry? To practice circumscribing
How do you kill a one-legged fox? Make him run across Canada.
What Would The Rocks Boyfriend Be Called? Fruity Pebble..
Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]
What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world? You mean across?
Just think about this: Jeff Goldblum is someone's uncle. Jeff Goldblum goes to someone's house for holidays and is Jeff Goldblum.
I'm only human. And like all humans, I'm a fucking asshole.
My Dirty apartment..... Is so messy I cant even get in with out my discovery pass.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do... And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down'.
I went into a French restaurant and asked the waitress... 'Have you got frog's legs?' She said, 'No, my jeans are just a bit tight.'
I feel bad for people without arms... ... They can't rapidly take off their bottoms when they need to take a massive dump.
I have a sister named Virginia... We called her Virgin for short, but not for long!
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Megasaurass
France beat the Germans 2-0 but the terrorists have them at like 50-3
*sir mix a lot voice* i like big butts and i'm sad inside
If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.
Got so drunk last night I woke up on a sidewalk this morning and rolled under a parked car so I could continue sleeping in the shade.
What comes out my ass and smells like shit? The jokes on this subreddit
Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
I swear to drunk im not Patrick.
I had a rib removed so I could cry further into my lap
What the difference between Reddit and other sites? On some of them you actually have a voat
What do you call an underwater dog? A sub woofer!
The neighbours dog has jumped up into my garden so much that he's totally destroyed the fence. Figured here's the best place to get it fixed as everyone is a certified reposter.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Knock Knock Knock knock. Who's there? Nicole. Nicole who? Nicole never bothered me anyway! (Hehehe)
Do you know what the best part about banging 21 year olds is? There's 21 of them.
Well my friend was raped by a troupe of mime artists... They did unspeakable things to her.
"Hey left ball!"..."What, right ball?" Who's the penis in betweenus?
People without profile photos, put your photo up 'cause there's no way you're as fat as we're all imagining.
How do you get your dog to come? Fuck it.
Today my engineering final exam friend please pray for me all is well. hhhhhhhhhh it's joke my wife birth a baby so it's my engineering
The President of Nintendo Died... The ambulance went WII U, WII U, WII U
Sometimes "4 star hotel" means 4 porn stars have stayed there. In the same room. At the same time. With a camera crew. And a goat.
Where did the suicide bomber go when he died? EVERYWHERE!
Are you having trouble finding your kids' name's on bottles of Coca Cola? Then I bet you wish you'd given them proper names instead of thinking you were clever by calling them Lake and Destiny.
A bottle of food coloring jumped off a building... It dyed.
My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.
What sound does an octopus make? A squid word.
What do you call a violent Buddhist? A Zero.
All racist jokes are the same If you've heard Juan you heard Jamal.
What do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese
Why is sonic the answer to every google search? Because he shows up the fastest.
I just flushed a stink bug down the toilet along with the dump. Who's the stink bug now, Bitch?
Did you hear about the musician who couldn't even pay to be in tune? He was only a few cents off.
Harriet Tubman printed on $20 notes, immediately rendering them worth $12. #threefifthscompromise #myjokesarefunnierwhenIexplainthem
My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.
Why there is no windows 9 Because 7 8 9 Heehaww
Apple just released a brand new programming language, *Swift*. Job recruiters everywhere immediately started posting ads for Swift programmers with 5 years of experience.
I like my men like I like my grapes Black and twenty at a time
if you come into a restroom & announce that you've "had to piss for two hours" I'd better hear a strong, frothy stream for at least a minute
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
What do you call 2 crackers arguing? White noise.
Two cannibals are eating a clown... One looks up at the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
Which of the Knights of the Round Table actually created the round table? Circumference.
When I see a door with the sign 'Door Alarmed' I always tell the door "don't worry, it's only me" ~ It's all about the empathy.
What did Anakin say to Padme right before they had sex? Let's see those Naboobies.
I went to see an inflatable marching band I was excited at first, but when I got there they turned out to be pretty flat....
Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.
Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?  A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top she's old enough. If it isn't cut the barrel down a bit.
Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Is the Black Friday name racist? Because everything's a steal?
My girlfriend and I went to the Renaissance fair and saw a minstrel get cut in the arm He's gonna be okay though, my girlfriend had just the thing to stop the flow of minstrel blood
A guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs. In fact he was stumped.
[first date] her: so are you a dog or cat person? me: *long dramatic pause* well... i'm almost positive that i'm just a normal person..?
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow in the sky She missed
yo mama so old Her first Christmas was the first Christmas
What do you call a rapsit that gets raped? JUSTICE
4 words Donald Trump Presidential Library
How many Crusaders does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on Deus Voltage
Worst pickup lines I love bad/funny pickup lines, lets see what you guys' got!
What is Trump's favorite movie? "Octopussy"
gardening i spent alot of my days trying to grow a specific seasoning in my garden. it took forever, but once it finally produced, i had the thyme of my life.
What is the difference between Elon musk and Tony Stark? Stark industries has actually turned a profit
If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
Well if there's one thing we can all agree on regarding tomorrow's inauguration ... Orange is the new Black
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Your restraining order says "no", but the 1/8" gap between your living room curtains says "yes".
What came first the car or the wheel? The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.
When a CW is coming out of the men's room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that's the polite thing to do.
Where's the best place to weigh a pie? [*singing*] Some-where over the rain-bow... Weigh a pie.
How does a cat tell time?? In meowers
What is Donald Trump's favourite Olympics event? Fencing.
A joke I just made... "I just invented a new word... plagiarism"
If you punch a hippie, and a cop arrests you... Would you get arrested for disturbing the peace?
A friend and me were arguing over whether masterbation is better with lube or not . . . different strokes for different folks, I guess. (I think I came up with that but I'm not sure)
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Text from husband: Where are you at? Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your momma can't take a joke.
Fun fact for you... 5 out of 4 people don't understand ratios...
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut you racist bastard
What do you get if you put four economists in a white room and ask them what colour the walls are? Four different answers
A paraplegic gets hired to play a lead role in a horror film The Silence of The Limbs
have you ever tasted african food? don't worry if you haven't, neither have they
"Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house" In addition, locals have told police that he was previously sighted with stumps.
I almost wish the guy I'm stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Why don't cannibals eat pantomimes? Because a mime is a terrible thing to baste.
What do black people drive? house prices down
And now for a brief trip back to the early 90's. Knock knock. Who's there? Amy Fisher *BANG!!!*
What dog wears a white coat and does science  experiments? Labs!
I see you as a glass half full you need me to fill you up
"That dress fits you like a glove" "It sticks out in five places"
Why is the letter N the most powerful letter? Because it is in the middle of TNT.
My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
What's the best part about having sex with a gilf? You can finger her and grab her titties with one hand at the same time. ;)
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.
Malaysia airlines are having a huge sale Flights to any destination in the world for $499 one way.... return flights not available
The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole
Virgin mary enters into heaven as soon as she gets in she notices a hot dog stand. She blushes and giggling says "the holy spirit!"
til the hard way that my toenails are stronger than my teeth.
Wow she actually noticed me! Time to pick a different tree.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Did you hear? If the democratic candidate wins the white house... the president will be taking a pay cut. It works out to be about 22%.
[at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* "STOP STARING IT'S RUDE"
Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it. I wish I could make this up.
What do you call it when water is poured over a clock? Time dilution.
[emergency] [super hero appears] GUY: It's Doesn't-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you! HERO: I...I don't know
Black people are way more susceptible to diabetes. That's not racist, it's a medical fact. Now if I said "hide your wallets, there's diabetes patients around here," that would be racist.
At a restaurant: "Would you like a table?" "No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall... ...As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
Why did the book critic give The Road a bad review? Too many plot holes.
How do you call a singing PC? a dell
What is the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
What's Black on top and White bottom? rape
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Just between you and me, something smells down there.
If you see your friend Jack on the plane... Don't say hi. Especially if his last name is King.
Why should a man never bang his best friend? He'll probably catch fleas
So two mushrooms walk into an elevator. One turns to the other and says, "There's not mushroom in here is there?"
If Mississippi wore a New Jersey, what did Delaware? I dunno, Alaska.
How did they know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the beach
"I'm proud of all the Twitter followers you've accumulated." - none of our parents
Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is "why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?"
I just made my Chiropractor's day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.
I never really liked gravity... ... It's always bringing me down.
What's the most popular game at a nursing home? Guess who
Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing  hide-and-seek ? Fowl play !
What did the wall say the the other wall Meet you at the corner
Don't be easy to get because you'll be easy to forget.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones: Q: Can you act? A: Sorta Q: Will you get naked? A: Yes HIRED!
You know all that confetti that fell at the end of the DNC. I heard it was made up of the 30,000 missing e-mails.
Why are boys faster than girls? Because they have ball bearings and a stick shift.
Which Nazi leader likes the Bulls the most? Joseph gobulls!
If Cadillacs are Jew-canoes, what are BMW M6's? Jew-boats.
Do you know what the difference is between a joke and a dick? Girls never laugh at my jokes. :-(
Two men walk into a bar... The 3rd one ducked.
My parents treat me like a god They dont believe in me
What is the main material used in the manufacture of TIE fighters? TIE tanium
Why is the US so much better at the accurate placement of round objects than Japan? We had two practices in 1945
What happened when the Italian Chef Died He Pasta Way
The teacher asks her 6th graders: "Can anyone tell me the definition of relative humidity?" Johnny: "The sweat on your balls when you're fucking your cousin!"
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
what's better than roses on your piano? tulips on your organ.
But Honey, if I stop eating this third bowl of Cap'n Crunch just because the roof of my mouth is bleeding, then the terrorists have won.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An extra electron
what did the locomotive conductor crave once he became a zombie? traaaiins...
Athiesgasm What would an atheist say while having an orgasm? OH MY NOTHING
seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
I have erectile dysfunction, and I'm constipated. My doctor prescribed me Viagra and Ex-lax... Now I don't know if I'm coming or going!
Back in Homer's time it was thought that ingesting small burrowing mammals would cure you of any injury. When the prince of Troy was shot with an arrow the doctor prescribed Paris eat a mole.
Here's your social security card. It's paper and has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck asshole.
My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in "fairy dust" She better mean cocaine because if it's glitter somebody's going to be homeless
What are some benefits to living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I don't trust any person who hasn't memorized the fuck out of Bohemian Rhapsody.
[ouija board] "Spirits are u there? I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T? [squints] "A needy board?"
At the end of the day, no one needs to worried about the_donald's large scale of support None of them are old enough to vote anyway.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won't stop grinding its teeth.
What do you call a rich male redhead? A Gingerbread Man. I'll just close the door behind me...
What do you call a foot doctor, curled up in a ball on the floor? A pedal physician in the fetal position.
What does an epileptic vegetarian eat? Seizure salad
I like Buddha He's a well rounded guy
The bartender says:"We don't serve your kind in here." A tachyon walks into a bar.
Who should we vote for the next president? Gabe Newell. There will never be a World War 3.
I bought a new flat last week... I use it as my spare.
How does Donald Trump start his favorite joke? Two Corinthians walk into a bar...
How does a turtle grate cheese? Shredder
What is the captain of the starship enterprise's favorite drink? Picardi and coke
What do necrophiliacs get when they wake up on the day of a funeral? Mourning Wood
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
What does Dracula say when you tell him a new  fact? Well fangcy that!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work. But he types really well.
Some people are doing stuff with their lives!! Let's mock them.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: My greatest weakness? I'm a bad listener.
I'll think of a good herb joke... When I have some thyme
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beggar ! Beggar who ? Beggar you don't know !
Biden: I think if we just leave a small- Obama: No Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired- Obama: No booby traps, Joe
I feel bad for kids in wheelchairs. I bet they get pushed around a lot.
You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.
Auto-correct simply means you end up saying stuff that you didn't Nintendo.
"911 what's your emergency" IM DYING "what happened" I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES "lol pics or didn't happen"
So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience
What's 50 Cents name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars
Why is it considered socially wrong to make fun of a crying 10-year old boy in Africa? Because it's normal to undergo a midlife crisis.
What is a snakes favourite opera ?  Wriggletto !
My brother bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What do you call the delivery boy at an Indian restaurant? Curry-er.
What do you call a parrot that flew away? A polygon!
A heavy metal fan walks into a heavy metal bar. He gets a concussion.
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders
Don't introduce a guy to another guy. No guy needs to know any more guys.
Shout out to all my people with split personality disorder You know who you are
Wow, if Justin Bieber trends this much without dying, imagine how much he'll trend when he OD's on puberty. #careerdeath
What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day? Rugs and kisses!
What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common? They don't want to pay for mods.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that's why I'm putting this salad in my pockets, you don't know me.
[Corny] What does a highlighter say when it answers the phone? Yello?
I asked my heart why I can't sleep at night? Heart replied "because you slept in the afternoon, don't act like you're in love"
Apparently, David Cameron can only be divided by himself, and one.
A horse walks into a bar.. The bartender asks "why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and then leaves.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they are both stuck up cunts.
Communism and nude beaches have one thing in common The idea sounds great unless you've actually been there.
My date said he wasn't looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.
Horton Hears a who? Horton Hears a what? Horton Hears a huh? Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who'sbeckystan?
Why didn't the shy juggler perform at the circus today? Because he didn't have the balls!
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
What do cows say on Halloween? Still moo.
Looking for a +1 for my wedding.
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don't taste any different.
I didn't think a McDonald's Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did... OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
What do computer programmers and aged-care nurses have in common? They both worry about the position of colons.
They should have cell phone charges in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I used to live in a tea cup I know what you're thinking, pour you
What came first the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*
I've never liked new years at time square They always drop the ball
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!, I'm gay.
What did the guy who burglarized the German bakers store at Christmas find out. All of his cookies were Stollen.
Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump's slogan for his campaign but "Make America Bern Again" didn't go over well with marketing.
The doctor says to the old man "Sir, i see what the problem is. You've got a suppository stuck in your ear!" And the old man says, "well, now i know what happened to my hearing aid!"
I beat a Prius today... Thank goodness I had on my running shoes.
Today I read this book about Alzheimer's It was about Alzheimer's.
Why didn't the proctologist show up for work? He had two cars, but he rectum both.
Two peanuts were walking through the bush... One was assaulted.
Just because it's Friday the 13th, people seem to think that horrible things are going to happen, like another shitty horror movie being released.
Why didn't Chris Brown make any headphones? He definitely knows how to make a good beat. I will show myself out.
Anyone want to come over for a topless pizza party? I'll supply the dough, you bring the toppings.
I like my men like I like my laundry Clean and hung
If I had a time machine and could travel to any time imaginable, I know in my heart I'd probably just set that thing to lunchtime.
"Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Why did the man keep reloading the picture of the candy cane at the potluck? He was in charge of refresh mints.
How did the bootician style the ghost's hair?  With a scare dryer!
I forgot my joke about a lollipop... I swear it was on the tip of my tongue!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe. I dug in the trash and found one. It was from a set they didn't know was missing Now I'm looking for 2 shoes.
A dick has a sad life His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next door neighbor is an asshole,his best friend is pussy and his owner beats him habitually.!!
Why do ants not go to church? Because they are in sects!
I'm gonna make you .org until you .com everywhere.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that's why he doesn't want to shake your hand".
I ordered girlfriend from Thailand who thinks small penis isn't an obstacle for relationship. Now I just have to get used to that she has one.
My depressed son once confided in me, to which I replied: "Don't worry, you're my reason to smile... ... because you're a joke."
....Hey...uh...hey. Reddit. Yeah, you Reddit.....what do ducks eat? **QUACKERS** **LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL--STARTS CHOKING ON OWN HUMOR--**
Me: I feel skinnier today! Scale: Nope.
[interview after losing a fight] "What happened out there?" I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either
PASTOR: and the lord said unto uscan u stop please? it's very distracting ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don't think he said that
My mother said today, "I'm always alright as long as I'm taking that D." She was referring to vitamin D.
1 out of 5 dentists is illiterate, and could not complete the survey.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you* *grabs last bag of Cheetos* *tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Dang girl are you a CS map? Cause you're looking DE_licious tonight.
How does Justin Bieber remove a condom? He farts.
What do you call an envious ocean? A jealou'sea'
My wife & I couldn't agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing. "What did you do?" We finally found a happy medium
Brexit EU now has 1 GB of free space!!
Which rappers had a flow that could simultaneously speed up and slow down at the same time? MC Escher
First post and an original How much does a Chinese elephant weigh? .................. Wonton
What do you call Muslims on a Plane? PASSENGERS!
Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's Table? Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Etsy is like your Aunt taking acid. It's lonely and crafty and tries to convince you that spoons should be necklaces.
The person who invented knock knock jokes... Deserves a no bell prize.
Why did the rock star fail his depressing math exam? He couldn't get the saddest fraction.
How many maple leafs does it take to change a tire? Only 1, unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up
How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Vegans have the same capability of changing a lightbulb as non-vegans.
What do you get when you combine mayonnaise and bologne? Bolognese sauce
Drinking hard liquor is... pretty whisky business.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Battering Ram Barbie ...Barbie's head on the end of a  battering ram
Me: will I find true love? Ouji Board: A R E Y O U H U N G R Y Me: dammit grandma not now
What's in common with jam and cream? I can jam and cream my dick up your ass.
What did the cowboy say upon entering the German dealership? "Audi"
Why do black people put their garbage in clear trash bags? So the Mexicans can window shop.
Now I'm not saying that your new girlfriend is a slut.. but Bermuda Triangle has swallowed fewer seamen.
Why is divorce so expensive? Who cares?? It's worth it!
I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States.
A guy is at the doctors... The doctor tells him "we're gonna need a stool sample, urine sample and a semen sample." The guy says "Doc, I'm kinda in a hurry, can't you just take my underwear?"
I just want someone to like me. Not you. I meant someone pretty.
How do you know if you have amnesia? I don't know.
Yo' mama so fat, when she was a baby, she took a bath with a rubber albatross.
I don't care if a human is male or female, Black or white, European, American, or Asian, they all taste the same.
When the zombie apocalypse comes, we'll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.
2 fish were in a tank, what did one of them say to the other? How do I drive this thing?
You'd think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won't.
Everyone is making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow. :O
Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool Wooden tit?
What is a rifle with three barrels? A trifle.
Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn't mean to one-up you. I'll pipe down.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven't played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I'm Michael Jordan.
What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day? G u knit?
I'm already 14 yrs old Dad! why don'y you buy me a bra? Shut up Peter!
I'm a homeless romantic
Do you want to know a good Jewish wine? Ma, when are we going to Miami?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game *guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I woke up this morning to find Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...I was petrified.
How did the guy from Kentucky find his sister in the woods? Pretty good!
What Kind of Motorcycles do Lesbians ride? Chowasaki. - Pat H.
911,What's your emergency? Me: I think it's a heart attack 911: Can you call back when you're sure, we're watching Walking Dead
[interrupts brain surgeon] yes, but I read on Web MD that
Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?  A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
Why do dwarfs always laugh when they are playing football? Because the grass tickles there balls
The blue man lives in the blue house, the yellow man lives in the yellow house, the purple man lives in the purple house. Who lives in the White House? The orange man.
Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.
[Job Interview] "It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?" "36" "That's not even close" "But it was quick"
The scariest moment in any man's life is when his wife stops talking and it's his turn to say something in a conversation he's been ignoring
Jury duty [Burps] Wow, excuse me. Judge: You're excu-STOP THAT!
Isn't it amazing that human brains are still faster than supercomputers? Eventually they'll start putting wheels on the machines though.
What is a Skywalker's preferred temperature? Lukewarm. I'll show myself out.
What do u call a stereotypical Vietnamese commie He is so-viet
Wife: "Ian is coming over." Me: "Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?" Wife: "Ian- *pulls off mask* -who is good at disguises!"
A new study has found that Donald Trump supporters make the most grammatical errors. They tried to find Hillary supporters errors as well, but they got deleted.
Whats black and always in the back of a cop car? A seatbelt.
The next time I see a feminist say "Kill all men"... I'll just reply "Valar dohaeris".
There was a man watering his garden across the street at night. At first I thought he was pissing outside but after a realized he wasnt I said "I thought you were peeing" he said "no I'm Chinese"
Why does nobody like tampons? Because they're all stuck up cunts.
"The best things in life are free." ~ shoplifters.
Vanish- The World's Number 1 Stain Remover' Is there a number 2 stain remover? My boxer shorts are absolutely fucked.
White people can't say the N word, but we DO get to say things like, "Thanks Dad" and, " Thanks for the warning, Officer."
I got caught masturbating by the fedex guy I shouldn't have answered the door, but you gotta sign for that shit or wait til he comes again.
Anyone can give a definition for erectile dysfunction... It's not that hard.
HOW MANY LAWYER JOKES ARE THERE? Q. How many lawyer jokes are there? A. Three...the rest are all true.
[iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?
At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the "I have a PhD" card. Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.
I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
Once I saw a ghost... It looked like your dick
Went into a restaurant and asked the waiter for a haramburger He said you can't have that...it's forbidden
What dog can tell the time ? A watch dog !
A German Dad Joke So, because St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow I asked my dad (who is German) if Germans have any day like St. Patrick's Day. His said, "Yes, it's called October."
What's the difference between the NBA and a pint of Guinness? Nothing. They're both mostly black, with a little bit of white at the top.
Women are like necklaces They strangle me when i try to sleep with 'em.
I also like my coffee like i like my slaves. Hand-picked from a third world country. ...I'll show myself out.
How do you make a little boy cry twice when your finished wipe your dick on his favourite teddy bear
Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.
Two hats on a hat hanger, one says to the other.... You go on ahead.
Aww... Nuts What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts What do you call nuts on your chin? Dick in your mouth *I'll see myself out...*
[tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Give me a massage "Mm okay" *rubs oil all over her* *things get hot* *things get too hot* *she bursts into flames* "Dang I used petroleum"
Guess what New york is going as for Halloween? New Orleans!
Knock Knock Who's there? Aren't you glad I didn't say banana?
What do you call a snail on a sail boat? A snailor
The Bride of Frankenstein Dr. Frankenstein: I took the Bride Of Frankenstein to the Caribbean last month. Igor: Jamaica? Dr. Frankenstein: Yes.
Dicaprio finally won an Oscar!!! Sorry wrong sub...
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do
Throwing a grenade at someone who's taking a selfie is photobombing, right?
How did San Diego get its name? Someone dropped their waffle on the beach.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You can actually punch information into a computer.
Mom says to Dad: "I've found a BDSM magazine under our son's bed. What are we supposed to do about it?" Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."
What's lil Wayne's favorite pizza? Lil seizure
Minecraft releases a new movie Critics say its a block buster!
This is what I told my nephew when he said he wanted to be a videogame journalist when he grew up The only thing worse than a job in video games or journalism is a job in videogame journalism
What do you call a gay Eskimo ? I dunno, but he's the only one in my tribe...
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, one to hold the ladder and the other to screw the mother.. LIGHTBULB!
Why do abusive clowns make good comedians? They just hit you funny.
What animal gets applauded? The mosquito.
About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.
Why can't your penis be 12 inches? Because then it'd be a foot
How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on her curtains.
What does a man with a 10 inch dick have for breakfast? Well, this morning I had bacon, eggs, juice...
I've been training for the masturbation world record. I'm gonna beat it.
My previous relationship was like a presidential term. It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!
Did you hear about a Russian-speaking Indian? He worships a moss cow
Why didn't Barbie and Ken's relationship work out? Because Ken always came in another box.
Do you know why the marketing company started hiring pedophiles? They wanted to get in touch with this generation of children.
Is Kamagra safe? http://www.kamagracheaper.eu/index.php?route=blog/article&amp;article_id=3
We changed our dog's name to Dad. Because he kept running away
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Why did man invent the shipping cart? To teach women how to stand on their hind legs.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed. But none of them works.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapuss
I went to London over the weekend and wore tracksuit bottoms in the hope of fitting in. How wrong I was. If I really wanted to fit in, I should have wore a turban.
What do you call Mexican stoners? Baked beans
What do you call a German guy wearing basketball shoes? Herr Jordan
My friends hate my cheese jokes. They said that they're no Gouda
People always look at me weird when I argue with my food, but what can I say? I cook a mean steak.
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt got killed in a car crash? ......yeah, some dick cut her off.................
Old people, when you say "the good ol' days," do you mean during the draft, or when black people had separate bathrooms?
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Whats the differance between a terrorist and a yiddish mama? You can negotiate with terrorists
Hawaiian terrorists be like... Aloha Akbar
What's the best side to eat from a chicken? The inside.
What do you call a black kid riding a bike????? A thief....
What did the leper say to the prostitute after their session? "Keep the tip."
Why did the French construct the Maginot Line? To keep the Nazis in Czech!
What is the coldest dish at a Mexican restaurant? a b-r-r-r-r-ito
[job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Alcohol "Umm ok, how about strengths?" *pouring him a shot* Sharing
What bone will a dog never eat a trombone
Still looking both ways on one-way streets.
[titanic] SAILER: but captain there's an ice berg right ahead CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead
Knock Knock Knock knock "Who's there?" "The pilot, let me in."
This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women's bathroom.
Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase "calm down."
What's the most positive thing in Harlem? HIV.
A woman walks into a bar She walks up to the counter and says to the bartender, "Gimme a double entendre." So he gives it to her.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapus.
What do you call an English teacher five feet tall covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?  Sir!
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowomen Snovaries
Some say the five knuckle shuffle isn't a finishing move My girlfriend is not one of them.
ME: who's a good boy!! DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit ME: what DOG: bark
They'll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it's a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
What do bees who are allergic to honey get? Hives.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Where do Eggs keep their holidays pictures? In a photo albumen...
What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza? A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four
What is pink and has seven dents in it? Snow White's virginity.
rachel ray and the hulk have a baby muppet cookey monster
I had a dream about you saving my life! A poison snake bit my dick...
Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants: 1. Weigh less than the animals they represent 2. 3.
What birds are found in Portugal ? Portu-geese !
What did the hurricane say to Hillary? I didn't know disasters can run for office
How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb? YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE..!!!
What is black and starts with "nig"? Nighttime, you racist bastard.
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
What do you get from a frozen zombie? Frost bite. ;D
A student sits at his desk and begins his economics exam. He opens the paper and reads the first question. To Germany, how much is Greece worth - 1 mark
My girlfriend acts like a 14 year old in bed Even though she is 12
Q: What did the leprotic john say to the hooker? A: Keep the tip.
Wonder how many novels Stephen King wrote this morning.
Does it count as necrophilia if she's just dead inside?
I tried "Netflix and chill?" on my wife. We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls.
What two planets should we keep clean? Earth and Uranus.
Why did they call the masseuse sexist? He was massage-anistic..
Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar? They both got 6 months.
A necktie and a hat are sitting on a coat rack.... The hat says, "you can hang around if you want, but I'm gonna go on a head. "
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
What do you call a couple having sex in a moving car? Burning rubber
Hate being a funeral director "why'd u take the job?" I inherited it from my dad "You could've just declined it" And lose my first customer?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
I have found the secret to intradimensional travel
Does this comic book collection make me look single?
Treat her like a lady and she'll show you her inner slut.
Why did the blind guy crashed his car into another car? Because he forgot to check his blind side.
What's the difference between driving a Volvo and putting your hand down the front of Donald Trumps trousers? You feel a bigger dick driving a Volvo
How to stop being intimidated by dates Just think of them as big raisins.
Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast? Because it's un oeuf.
did you hear about the canadian who stole gold? It was a buttload, too!
Why is Oklahoma the bleh state? Because it's just OK
A Hindu and Muslim together makes for a surprise equillibrium Muslim keep beheading the Hindu. The Hindu keeps reincarnating.
Warning, offensive. Why was Hitler so concerned about getting into heaven? Because there were 6 million jews waiting for him in hell.
Did you hear about the white supremacists chemist with a lisp? He was so radium carbon iodine thorium he joined the potassium potassium potassium.
Your jokes are only as funny as someone else's sense of humor.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
The reason why Clinton is a super secret agent of the alt right is because... She has a frog in her throat.
Redditors won't get this... Original content
Did you hear what the Kathmandu? He Baghdad so he could Bangkok
How does a monster begin a fairy tale? "Once upon a slime . . ."
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I was on the subway when someone sneezed on me. I was so disgusted, I turned to him and said "People like you make me sick."
[me buying drugs for the first time] wow that's a very puffy jacket u have on
How Many Marshawn Lynches Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb? Only one. Just as long as you hand him the damn lightbulb.
Why do feminist Jewish girls never give blowjobs? Because men are pigs, and pork isn't kosher.
Stephen Hawing running for president Just kidding.....he can't run
Jerk chicken and pulled pork... The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality.. That explains why jerk chicken and pulled pork were the only two menu items.
So I was going by this farm the other day... and I was like, hay.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help," she said. "Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
How many cocks does it take to make your mother cry? None!
The avengers walk into a bar Except vision. He phased.
Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees? A: Come.
When I click on "Submit a joke" You.
What do you call a dead magician? Abra Cadaver.
Sometimes I take out my headphones, walk to class, graduate college, get married, file for divorce, and then finish untangling my headphones
Where would you park your camel? The Camelot. PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment Edit: Went to class, came back, saw this. Me and my cat are thoroughly pleased.
What did Orville say when Keith Harris died? Nothing.
What's worse than getting a penis drawn on your face? Knowing it was traced
What do you get if you cross Doc Brown and Jay-Z? 1.21 JiggaWhats
The Pope is making great strides in combating child abuse... But many priests are still coming in a little behind.
Which snakes are found on cars?  Windscreen vipers.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
I just can't get behind gay jokes.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Why did the cyclist stop riding? He was two tired
What do nazis use to mass produce toys? A vinyl solution.
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.
A Chinaman goes to the eye doctor.... Eye doctor says "You've got a cataract." Chinaman says "No, I drive Rincoln Continental."
What happens when there are two Islamic terrorist identical brothers and one is way taller than the other? The Twin Towers.
The more fanciful embroidery you have on the back pockets of your jeans, the less I value you as a person.
*boss stops meeting* Mike, is there something you'ld like to share with the whole group? Me: Nooooo, that's why I whispered it to Alan.
Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run
Pun contest One day a man saw that there was a local paper puns contest. So he decided to write his 10 best puns and enter them into the contest in hope of winning. Unfortunately no pun in 10 did.
I've decided to take the day off today. I'm just going to call it to.
deer diary: day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.
The inventor of the snooze button has passed away. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00, 8:06, 8:11, 8:13, and 8:14.
Two men walk into a bar... Knock, knock.
I accidentally bought a bicycle that has no seat it's not a deal breaker but it's kind of a pain in the ass.
Me: So if I call Canada it's billed as international? Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country. Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Who's the dankest pokemon? Vaporeon
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Q: What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests? A: A cramberry.
My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said "You'll be okay, stop syncing about it". We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.
What did the second guesser with no self esteem say to Reddit? edit: nevermind...
A dyslexic walked into the bra
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!! haha funny fun pun so funny joke haha (upvote this) haha lol =)
guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells "who the fuck fucked my wife!". Everybody's silent for a second, then a guy in the back of the bar says "you haven't got enough bullets mate"
I stay away from granny Smith. She's just too tart for me.
Q: What did the candle say when he was down on his luck? A: I'm at wick's end.
I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore... They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.
"I'm in international waters, your damn laws can't touch me" I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
A girl a day keeps the hand away.
What are the other letters of the alphabet? Nazis.
What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles? Electricity.
A dslexic man walked into a bra. His wife's washing was hanging out to dry and he wasn't looking where he was going. The man's dyslexia was admittedly pretty irrelevant to the event.
A blind man walks into a bar... ...and a table... and a chair.
What do you call a sophisticated American? Canadian
People like to put words in your mouth, predictive-text likes to put words in your phone.
I didn't study for my Star Wars test.. So I'm getting Alderaan answers
Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit - how Game of Thrones started, probably.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Are birth control pills deductible? Only if they don't work.
I was going to tell a joke about sodium But Na
An Italian and a Jew go into business together, who looses? the government
Scared the hell out of a stranger by sayin' "good morning" to 'em. That's a thing people used to do. Google it
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop Dr. Dre
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
One time I shot a gun... And the gun died!
Why are all of the accountants supporting Hillary Clinton? They want to save 20%.
[1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!" *gets stabbed*
I came into some money yesterday. I couldn't find the tissues.
I always go the extra mile for my wife Ever since she took out that restraining order
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky] But that means.... [Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?
How do japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konichihuahua
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
[at home on video conference call] Yeah boss I don't know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad. *pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I don't know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
What do you call a womans vagina after having a baby... "Baby Gap"
Messy people must see reality shows differently They must see shows like "hoarders" as people with a bunch of cool stuff and douche bags throwing it away
How do you have nasal sex? Fuck nose.
If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra.
Why do white girls hang out in odd numbers?? cuz they can't even!!!!
This is Ray. http://i.imgur.com/BZfRQEt.png
My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records until the librarian told me to take it out.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I'm sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Why did the elevator take antidepressants? It was feeling down
One day I ask my father for $5 He said $4!!!! But why you need $3 for? $2 should be enough. You know what here's $1 and bring me back half.
'100% Yes!' '1000% Yes!!' '1,000,000% Yes!!!' I wish the X Factor judges would stop trying to top each other... and just top themselves.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? &gt;**Because they lactose**
They say playing video games is a waste of time, but I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when bagging my own groceries.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Sorry, I was just laid by a hot chick....it's going to take me a while to get hard again.
What dat mouf do ;)
My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed... I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"
If you really want to fuck a vampire.. then i'd say you're down for the count
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night. The performance was a little wooden.
Why won't hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die? Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they're underground (Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics)
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle "If I Only Had a Brain" from the Wizard of Oz.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria. Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her Bill becomes President!
My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I've ever seen! He's mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found. *tampons
I like my women like I like my coffee noice
People keep saying I need to be more assertive Is that okay?
Crows are like if a witch decided "I'm a bird now, too"
I really like passive aggressive people I'm not at all bothered by the fact they are giant cunts one and all.
Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?" "Mall? We thought you said wall" Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?"
My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday
Women get yeast infections So that they know what it's like to live with an irratating cunt.
I woke up, after a drunken night, with two tattoos on my dick, but one of them was done in regular pen ink. So I rubbed one out.
How many introverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?
What's the worst animal to play cards with? A cheetah. Because it'll rip your fucking face off.
"I just heard that that one actress from Legally Blonde, Reese... 'whatever her last name is' got stabbed to death walking to her car last night." "Witherspoon?" "No, with a knife."
Kim Jong-un read War and Peace in a day. At least I think that's why they call him Supreme Reader.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar. How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I told my math teacher I was freezing cold and he told me to go stand in the corner of the classroom. Because it was 90 degrees.
A man was molested by an Alien... ...when asked by a local reporter if he had any comment he said, "It was out of this world."
why did Hitler eat a lot of fish sticks? because he thought they were not seafood
Yesterday, I lost a wedding cake.. ..but today, I fondant.
Marriage is a three ring circus... Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffer-ring
How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs? There are poodles everywhere!
Jumping Off A Building Two men, one black and one white, jump off a building, which one arrives first on the floor?    A: The white one. The black man was busy stealing the air conditioners.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Why was Jokeexplainbot angry? Because someone was pushing his buttons!
How do you disappoint a Redditor? [deleted]
What did the fly say to the second man on the moon? Buzz.....
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Only in SF: people checking into the riot on Foursquare.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will have eternal life" But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
Just passed a guy wearing a "#1 Dad" T-shirt. On my way home now to ask my kids what the fuck.
"Ninja kills Mime" Nobody heard about it
List of Extremely Stupidly Funny Jokes Comment the stupidest, funniest joke you know!
What do Pink Floyd, Dale Earnhardt, and Donald Trump have in common? The wall.
listening to Mambo No. 5. every time Lou Bega says a woman's name I fire my gun into the sky
I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so... I'm drinking if you're buying.
Did you hear about the problem in Pakistan where smoking a scorpion gets you high? Well only the men get high, the women get stoned
Why didn't the mason jar need a paternity test? Because the resemblance was uncanny.
9 out of 7 people can't do fractions
This is a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. Last I heard he was in a twelve step program. I'll see myself out.
What do you call a deer with a missing eye? I have no fucking eye deer.
If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.
What do you call a blonde, who dyed her hair black? Artificial intelligence
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Trust Mom!
Which classical composer is best at playing hide and seek? Haydn. [OC]
How big was the ant when it knocked over the table? giANT!!
Bridge is like sex. If you don't have a partner you better have a good hand
Economists say the recession ended last year. Good to know. I'll bring that up at the dinner table tonight over our single bean.
Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.
Q: Why was the insect kicked out of the wildlife preserve? A: It was a litterbug.
I have CDO... It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order
Wife asked what was on the TV... I said "dust". That's when the fight started.
Why didn't the little girl finish her lollipop? She was hit by a bus
Tripods with two legs I can't stand them.
What do MLK, Elvis, and the Houston Oilers have in common? They all died in Tennessee
"Dad, I cant sleep." Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB. "Dad Im seven-" Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Cash or credit? Did you just assume my tender??
Why did the roadkill cross the road? Because somebody FINALLY turned on the lights.
Shout out to the people who are wondering what the opposite of in is.
What's an sjw's favorite subject? Triggerednometry
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I've always used Google and I'm super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I parked in a disabled space today... ...and a traffic warden shouted to me, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said "Tourettes! Now fuck off!"
Ok I have 2 short jokes and a long one. joke joke jooooooooooooooke. I'll show myself out.
Why did 10 go missing? Because 9/11.
What is Santa's favourite metal band? Sleigh-er
Love  is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.
I called the sexual abuse hotline for help. ...Apparently it's only for victims
Found the battery for your mom's dildo. http://imgur.com/XBmHG7I. C size for scale.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?! "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."
I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice.... but he's having Nunavut.
I was walking home and saw some drunk guy trying to steal someones gate... I was gonna say something, but I din't want him to take a fence.
i'm not "cute" awkward. i'm "what the hell is wrong with you" awkward.
I've developed a phobia of elevators I'm taking steps to avoid them.
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-Na-Na-Na
I just got told by my dentist that he is homosexual. Bloody Tooth Fairy!
I'm never at a loss for words when I'm drunk. I just can't pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one's.
What's the difference between a lazy overeater and a flirtatious emo? One is Sloth the Gluttonous the other is Goth the Sluttiness. Yep made that up on the way home today... Sorry.
What do Vegans, ISIS and Feminists have in common? None of them like pork.
What do you call a radioactive Angler? Nuclear fishin'
Why do squirrels swim on their back? To keep their nuts dry.
Im sorry I yelled "GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE" when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn't be married
ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away? HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
"So send me a picture of you..." *sends* "Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever."
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles... still pretty fcuking awesome.
They say that 5 in 3 people are bad at fractions. Don't even get me started on the other half.
Zero word punchlines * Does this smell like chloroform to you? * I wonder what happens when I pull this pin? * Does this hurt? Comment some more!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you're talking to someone and look totally evil
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer Ash
What's the difference between Tim cook and a dead body? Tim cook gets to come out of the closet.
Why use 2 A's in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What's stopping us?
Why did the Muslim fail his Chemistry Exam ? because to him, alcohol is not a solution.
It really hurts for me to say this but... I have a sore throat.
I kept getting asked to stop singing "What is Love?". My response to this is always the same... "I would stop if I Haddaway"
TIL about different subreddits. SHIT...
Why didn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Q. What do you call a blonde in a leather  jacket? A. A rebel without a clue!
What store does Governor Ratcliffe go to buy his video games? IT'S BABBAGES, BABBAGES
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Why couldn't the choir director figure out whether Alison Brie was alto soprano? Everytime he tried, he was told that she was young and that they tried not to sectionalise her.
Me: what do you want for breakfast? 7: a bowl of sugar Me too kid, me too
I'm not real good about sharing my feelings unless I hate you.
What's the difference between a feminist and a battery? Batteries have a positive side! inspired by: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zlrot/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
Why are politicians different from prostitutes? With prostitutes, the more money you pay the more you'll get fucked.
I asked a Mexican man how he was voting in the next election. He was on the fence.
What's the difference between Texas and stupid? Nothing.
What does priest stand for Paedophile representative in every small town
Isaac Newton's friend was 16 minutes late the first time they met. At their second meeting, the friend was 8 minutes late. At this rate, said Newton, "you'll never be on time."
Why were the boy and girl melons depressed? Because they can't elope.
I can't love you. I'm still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can't abandon her.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
What do you call a fragile camera? A glass Canon.
Why are politicians assholes so clean? Because all their shit comes out of their mouth!
Anyone remember the Boxer rebellion? Thank god it was only for a brief moment.
What do you get if you take a really big dog out  for a walk ? A Great Dane out !
What happens to a drunk vampire? They get a fangover.
What did the snail say when put on top of a turtle? Weeeeeeeeeeee
Do you want to here a joke about TCP Did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift
Why did the cow tip over? Excellent service.
What do you call a duck traveling south that enters a time warp and meets itself traveling north? A pair of ducks.
Do you know how to disappoint a fellow Redditor? [deleted] Why would you fall for this again?
What is another name for sunscreen? SOLution
Two wrongs don't make a right Take your parents for example
2017 New Years Resolution First step: write down the resolu
What do a baby and an Etch A Sketch have in common? If you don't like it, you just shake it and start over.
Confucius say... Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
You know pornstar are really violent people... Everything always comes to blows.
I realised today after seeing gray hair in the mirror that my dream of being a child star will never happen.
How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone? A Hans free device
So many haunted "mansions." Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Why do black people hate wine? Because it's a waste of perfectly good grape juice. (Also, anyone care to explain me where the "Black people like grape juice" came from?)
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because the B shells are too small and the D shells are too big!
Guy calls his doctor... He says, "I figured out what's been causing the pain, doc. Avocado!" Doctor: "Did you research that?" Guy: "No, I just pulled it out of my ass"
There's a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about
What do you call the killing of Chinese baby girls? Youth-in-Asia
Robin Williams was found dead in his house. The police suspect arson, but I doubtfire. Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/4chan/comments/2dacn8/no/cjnr8i8
How do you make a protester cry? Tear gas
When someone texts you k', just reply, "L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z"
Why are Twilight fans obsessed with it? Because they need a fandom that won't make them feel like trash.
So, Nintendo recently acquired a printing press Word is, they're printing ninten-dough.
So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What has one "n", two "g"s, an "i", "e", and an "r" and you can only say this word when you belong to this group? ginger
I wanted to eat lunch at KFC and my girlfriend wanted to eat lunch at Chick-Fil-A... we compromised and went to Chick-Fil-A.
Why do black people have white palms? There's a little bit of good in everybody
Like teacher like student Teacher: Did you finish you homework? Kid: Did you finish grading my test? Teacher: I have other children's tests to grade Kid: I have other teachers homework to do.
Why was the German woman freaking out? Because she was late.
Why did the chicken cross the road? (Why?) To get to the idiots house.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy... ...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What's small red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
I have Tindr hair.... It's messy, dry, and I swipe it to the right hoping for good looking results.
I TEXTED MY BOSS... "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?... HE ANSWERED: "I don't know?" I REPLIED: "I'm not coming in this morning!"
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
4/21 International Drug Test Day!!!!
You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Curiosity has killed my cat.... At least I think it did. I mistook Schrodinger's box for my cat carrier when I threw the squeaky-catnip-mouse toy in...
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they don't know the words.
Caller: I'm your worst nightmare. Me: Whaaat?? You're a sugar free cookie??
What has holes in it, and travels down an alley? Batman: my parents?? Riddler: no its a bowling ball! I-im so sorry!
How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Stick a nipple on it.
What does a nosy pepper do? He get jalepeno business.
What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? Her: What? You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name)
So they're bringing in 100 fine for bad driving... How sexist is that? (via Jimmy Carr)
What's gray and can't fly? A parking lot.
What is the most frequent word in the comment section? This.
Lol (sorry for my bad english)
If I was a germ, I'd probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail? "That's the end of me!"
Are rape jokes funny in this subreddit? I wouldn't want to do anything if you guys said NO.
I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.
What sexual position makes the ugliest babies? Ask your mom
What do gay Polish men like most up their arse? Poles.
Hey, do you guys remember Sex Ed from High School? He's in jail now.
What's Shakespeare's favorite video game? Sonnet the hedgehog
why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? she can clean her crack and sell it again
A pizza delivery guy knocks on the door Two men answer the door and invite him inside. They ask him if he wants to have a threesome. He replies, "just the tip please".
Two things I will never grasp in life: 1. What to write in birthday cards. 2. What to do when people are singing happy  birthday to me.
why should you be afraid if you see a bull chasing after you? Well. I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't want something that horny chasing me!
How do your organize a space party? You planet! (It won't turn out well though because it has no atmosphere.)
Somewhere between murder and suicide There's Merseyside
(dark humor) In the used cars for sale add i am selling very little used wife whole or in pieces.
A QA tester walks into a bar... and orders 1 beers and orders 5 beers and orders 9999 beers and orders -1 beers and orders foobar beers
Why don't people tell many jokes about the reverend Jim Jones? The punchline is too long.
Did you hear about the Hollywood actress that got murdered...? Person 1: Her name was Reese, errr, Reese, Reese whatshername... Person 2: Witherspoon? Person 1: No, with a knife.
Ever hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He made him an offer he couldn't understand.
Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines? He drew 100 cats on the paper. He thought the teacher had said lions.
What did ELO say once they found out their stripper was a hermaphrodite? You've got a strange vag-dick.
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.
Why did the amoeba flunk the math test? Because it multiplied by dividing.
Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
What's the difference between a tease, a love, and a lust? Spit, swallow, gargle.
How did the dyslexic American mathematician sing the first line of his national anthem? "Oh secant, you say?"
Don't trust the atoms... They make up everything.
Did you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.
Fun Fact By law, fun facts don't have to be true, but actual facts do. Just a fun fact I thought I'd share.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it's the kids.
Knock knock Who's there? Alzheimer's Alzheimer's who? To get to the other side!
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn't have been me
HR- do you know why we called you down here today? Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride? HR... Me- a house landed on your sister
i like my memes how i like my burgers... rare and hearty
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please
What do you call a root beer in a square glass? Beer
Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!
2 Antennas got married recently The ceremony was shit, but the reception was just great
Bill Cosby likes pudding his dick where it doesn't belong.
What's the one thing spiderman can't eat? Uncle bens rice
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can't remember to flush the toilet.
If you say I'm getting fat again Aunt Betty, I'll make a "anything for 5 dollars" ad on Craigslist with your name and number.
What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase? Audi *tips hat*
Where do fish come from? Finland!
What bank do birds open accounts with? The one with the most branches!
Q: How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning? A: She opens the car door.
Did you hear the joke about the deaf idiot? Neither did he.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry martinez.
What does a chef and a gravitational wave astronomer have in common? They both work in gastronomy
What do you have when you have 1000 whites skydiving? Oil
ME: I'd like to order...the updog. WAITER: How would u like that prepared? ME: um medium well? W: very good Me: oh god what have I just done
What is the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo? A Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the cage along with a recipe.
"I" before "E" but only at participating locations
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
What's the best part about showering with a 7 year old girl? You slick their hair back and you've got a 7 year old boy.
- You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
I'm anti-semantic but I don't know how to say it.
INFORMER!!! Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm... A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Man, Asians drive so bad . . . I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
I wonder if Jesus would have been as popular if his name was Eric.
TIL when nursery rhymes are playing in the car but your child is no longer in the car then the songs were probably never for him in the first place.
I know a girl named Penny But because of inflation, she is going to change her name to Nickel soon.
(punny) Did you hear about the orgy at the campground? It was in tents
With women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at... LOL Who am I kidding, even the  homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff..
How many reddit offices does it take to screw you in a light bulb? yishan
What's the difference between a manly female and a feminine male? A dick, you moron.
'It's ok, I'm from the internet', I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Fairly Fairness A butch, a bitch and a snitch all come together at the "Pretty Rainbow People Bar." The Butch complains, "ugh all those itches" :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D FUKKEN LOLZ Downvote for cash!
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
What's the fastest way to go from 300 pounds to 140? Convert to kilograms.
This post doesn't have any purpose... so why you still reading
What is the difference between a epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarrhea? The epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.
Anyone who claims on the internet that the President is a Communist, should be forced to spend a year in 1934 Siberia.
Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore Throat? Because they always get a little hoarse
What do you call it when Kony drinks too much? Cognac
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don't have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet Right next to the beer fridge
"Wait, it wasn't us? Are you sure?" - Fox News
Why is Apple donating money to cancer research? "Cancer stole our jobs!"
What is the most popular soda in candy land? Lolli-pop
Would you like some salt? Na.
After watching all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies I realized the biggest twist... ...his career has been dead the whole time.
Roses are red. Wine is red. Poems are hard. Wine.
Sometimes i feel like the flat bread option at subway because I'm always available but no one ever wants me to hang out with
When someone picks up your call after 3 or 4 rings you should know they were seriously contemplating letting you go to voicemail
I have been having a lot more threesomes as of late. Ever since my wife got pregnant.
clock always late The woman says to the husband: Dear, today the clock fell from the wall of the room and i left that place just 5 seconds ago. Husband : Damn clock,Always late...
Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
What do you call a greedy ant ? An anteater !
You know what's funny? An unexpected shift in context.
Chimney Whats the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa Claus goes down the chimney
The problem with politics today... Republicans treat people like dogs and Democrats treat dogs like people
I've been dating a homeless women recently, and i think its getting serious. She asked me to move out with her.
He's making a list, He's checking it twice. And now I'm falling asleep. And she's calling a cab.
Donald Trump comes from the future There will be hell toupee
What's the difference between Luke Skywalker and a black man? Luke Skywalker eventually finds out who his father is.
The Spanish national soccer team visited an orphanage in Brazil today "It was hard to see their sad and hopeless faces", said one of the orphans
[australia's first national meeting] Do we want to make our own language? That's too hard, let's keep this one but say everything weird
Listen buddy, I don't know why I'm doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Wife: "Take me to bed or lose me forever." Husband: *Thinks about it for 45 minutes*
16: My friend is coming to get something while we're gone. Me: Should we leave a key? 16: No, she'll just go thru the doggie door again.
why did the man cross the road? he had his dick stuck in a chicken
Boy to Friend: I'm sorry I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.
Merry christmas and happy new year! - Internet explorer
Why did the mountain have trouble in class? Because there was a steep learning curve.
The meaning of the word "Poor" Poor (noun) = When you have too much month at the end of your money
I don't want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn't trying very hard.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk] "Don't you wish there was an easier way?" [cut to carton of butter milk]
Knock Knock "Who's there?" "Dunno, but i do know its not Michael Brown"
I think every joke should have a serious element of Fe-y
My Grandpa has a French rifle from WWII It was never fired, but it was dropped once.
My grandfather suffers from dimensia... he doesn't ever seem to know at what point he exists in time or space.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't really know Y
There's nothing scarier than a squirrel who's not afraid of you.
This DLC is getting out of hand... The DVLA want me to pay 60 to add three points to my driving license, because I beat my high score!
What is it called when you eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch at noon? Cinnamon Toast Brunch
What do you call it when thieves in a metal boat steal your fool's gold? Iron Pirate
Can someone tell me that Johnny go deeper joke from 15 years ago? I was in middle school and can't remember it completely.
TIL that a Russian submarine was accidentally destroyed by a Russian warship that mistook it for an enemy submarine. Oops, wrong sub!
Where do banana slaves go to work? Plantaintions.
Did you hear? Oxygen and Magnesium are dating. When I found out I was like OMg!
You really shouldn't mess with rickshaw drivers They run the streets.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike) KID:Dad, I'm scared ME:It's okay. The closest tree is a mile away TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Why do children cry when they find out Santa isn't real? They figured out who has been drinking their milk and eating the cookies!
So I organized a threesome last night! ...there were a couple no shows, but I really enjoyed myself.
How'd the preacher catch A.I.D.S. in Africa? Missionary style.
I don't understand how there can be different shoe sizes. I mean, everyone's feet are a foot long.
Why did the gay man sue the mental hospital? They held him in a straightjacket.
There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat's pretty pissed
A man goes to a job interview... Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?" Man: "Probably my honesty." Interviewer: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Modern music is like taking a poop you like it at first, but then you realize its all shit in the end
Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper? Because Jesus saves.
Three gay deer walk out of a bar: One turns to the others and says "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"
How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? They don't have to change the light bulb, they buy LED's.....My first original joke submitted to reddit! Hope you like :)
Q: what do you call an orange Jew? A: Ivanka trump
Why did the Cold War never happen? Because Joseph was Stalin.
How did the puppeteer meet the President? He pulled some strings.
'How I Met Your Mother'- is definitely The longest TED talk ever!
Having sex while drunk is like trying to pierce a Capri Sun with an earthworm
My friend said this in the middle of class. Best joke I have EVER heard. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 knew what 6 and 9 were doing.
What do you call a police officer who has just finished masturbating? Pulled pork!
I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
Why did the chicken fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
Do arcades ever clean the joysticks? 'Cause I've sucked on a few and they tasted awful.
So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant... Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.
Why can't T-Rexes clap? Because they're extinct.
He Who Farts In Church... ...Sits In His Own Pew.
Computer technology used to be a lot tougher. Back when I was a teenager, mice had balls.
What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a farmer? A farmer shucks between fits.
I was born on 09.11.2001 and I suffer of autism Cause: The stork crashed and I'v hit my head
How did the Jewish terrorist die? Hebrew up.
Why did the chicken cross OP's mother? .
If your bio says "Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman" I'm assuming you misspelled "Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds."
Very sick man asks the doctor, "how long do I have?" The doctor replies "10." "10? 10 years? 10 months? 10 what?" "9...8...7..."
There's two things I don't like about my sons new partner. He's black
You can't get AIDS from a toilet seat unless you sit down before the other guy gets up
Ever since I've been on crutches I've been extremely depressed... I mean I just can't stand myself.
I used to think I had an ass that prison inmates would die for, now, I don't know.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate...
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town. They call it resisting a rest.
If we can put a man on the moon, we can put a man with AIDS on the moon. And then someday, we can put everyone with AIDS on the moon.
I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don't speak.
What has four hairy legs and fucks my sister? Me and my dad.
Why does no work ever get done on the Sun? Because it's always a Sun day
Why doesn't Donald trump travel in ships anymore..? Cause he doesn't like Cruz...
Everybody is annoying after one hour.
What kind of insect gets triggered on tumblr? A butthurtfly
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials because I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.
There are two types of people. Those who have sex daily And those who don't have dyslexia
Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.
Knock knock Who's there? Mike jones Mike jones who? Mike jones, who?Mike jones, who? Mike jones
What do holiday parties and after school clubs have in common? They both feature Chess nuts!
The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
"Nope, there is no i in team." -Pat Sajak, accidentally giving away the puzzle
Why are feminists so good at Street Fighter V? Because they are always V-triggered
How do you fit 5,000 Jews into a Volkswagen? Two in the front, three in the back and the rest in the ashtray.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? "Cause you're fatter than they are."
What's the best part of eating a burrito? Every time you fart, you lose weight.
Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.
I walked past an electronics store once... I saw a TV for sale in the window. The sticker said, "TV for sale, volume stuck on full, $1" I thought to myself, "Wow. I can't turn that down."
What do you call a fish with no eyes ?  Fish !
Got trapped in a bidding war for a house with a lengthy corridor I'm in it for the long hall
My friend stole my Atlas and won't give it back. Seriously it's the world to me.
My friends all judge me for being a heroin addict... I guess they just don't like strong women
You know why I drink apple juice? Because OJ will kill you
The past, present and future walk into a bar It was tense
So Lady Gaga wears a tin foil hat and sings with Elton John and people clap I do it and you're all "This is Barnes and Noble, please leave?
What do you call a black man in space? An Astronaut you racist!
The worst excuse I have ever came up with.
What kind of currency do they use in space? http://i.imgur.com/vfZp1nP.jpg
There are so many uses for toilet paper rolls... but you have to go through a lot of shit to use them.
How did the geologist develop a career as an expert in sinkholes? He fell into it.
The student and the teacher. JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?" TEACHER:" Of course not. " JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework ...."
Wanna hear a terrorist joke? Israeli good..
How many elves does a german santa have? Elf.
What baked treat shares its name with a gynaecological apparatus? Flapjacks.
Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have? 6yo: $60 Me: That's correct, son.
How many Sanders supporters does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, they can't change anything.
Every day, there's a kid coming to my store looking for trouble... And every day, I tell him we're sold out. Can't he buy Monopoly instead?
My friend's bakery burned down last night. I think his business is toast.
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall? Dam.
What website do southerns use to research their family tree? Incestry.com
Question about The Catcher in the Rye In chapter 5, I didn't understand why the bus driver made Caulfield get rid of his snowball. He was just...Holden it.
5+5=6 -5+6=-12 10+10=200 no joke
Dear Cereal Makers, Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Did you hear the one about the dog with no limbs named joint? Every morning his owner would take him out for a drag
What is hillybillys fantasy?! S&amp;M . . . . .. Sister and Mother.
I was at a hockey game yesterday and I came up with this horrible joke. Why are women bad luck at hockey games? Because they never have good periods.
I just discovered the opposite of an orgasm. It was such an anti climax.
What's your blud type bob? Typo
Why wouldn't the two tampons speak to each other? Because they were both stuck-up cunts.
Why do lesbians prefer going to Sports Authority? They don't like Dicks...
[Giraffes at gym] "What do you want to work on today?" Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet
You can't threaten me with Work when I came to Work.
Why was the laser sad? All his gas is Argon.
Who is the coolest guy in a hospital. The ultra sound guy. Whos the coolest when he is off? The hip replacement guy. /dad
My friend had a bad experience with ice once He told me he was traumiticed
Last night I dreamed of a color I had never seen before. It was a pigment of my imagination.
Did you hear about the chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
PSA: Always be careful around muesli. My friend drowned in muesli once. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Sex is a great way to get rid of stress, so go f*ck yourself and calm down
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
Sometimes I scratch my balls and then smell my fingers. It's not a big deal really
Wife says "sorry I have my period". I said "that's ok honey, that's what the colon is for"!
I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.
What do you call a horse getting carried away with a magic marker? A zebra.
Best part of election night is seeing how fast states tabulate votes and judging the slow ones. What's up, Sloth Carolina?!
What do you call two midgets giving each other oral sex? 34.5ing
I've just raped a retarded virgin. Pure and simple.
Joke What did the one Angel say to the other? "Halo"
Why should you not visit the Ukraine with your fly unzipped? Because if you don't, Chernobyl fall out!
I hate it when people make eye puns... It really makes me *lash* out sometimes
What do you call your saggy old midwife? Me doula oblongota
In the library: "Excuse me, where are the books about paranoia?" "They are... right behind you."
What happens if Donald Trump pulls out of the election? He will be Donald Duck
Whats the difference? Whats the difference between mash potatoes and pea soup?... Anyone can mash potatoes...
My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.
A robot walks into a bar; says he needs to loosen up. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.
Interviewer: "Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?" Interviewee: "Word."
Avocado or Donald Trump? Avocado or Donald Trump for president? Well, one is a wrinkly old bag filled with green mush The other one is an avocado.
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry
Why is French person a better team player than a pirate? The pirate says, "Aye, aye!" The French says, "Oui, oui!"
I got a girl's number today! All I had to do was hit her car.
ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired ME: I'm getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra
Cheesy joke A muenster attacked Emmenthal institution. Everyone cheddared with panic. There was de brie everywhere. It was no Gouda.
[x-ray] DOCTOR: wow ME: what DOCTOR: I don't know, there's a bunch of- ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore
A history joke Teacher: When was Rome built? Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that? Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!
When someone has Taken your car who should you call? Liam Nissan
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Dont worry , he's all right now.
You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.
Why did the guy take his time setting up a premature ejaculation support group? He didn't want to go off half cocked.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do? ME: um, cursive, regular... DATE: no I mean- ME: actually I can't do cursive :/
What do the English and Welsh have in common? Kids are their definition of a good time.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
What do you call a Magician's dog? A Labracadabrador.
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler! ^^^... ^^^I ^^^know, ^^^I ^^^know, ^^^/r/dadjokes ^^^is ^^^thataway
What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle !
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can't figure out boyfriend's passwords
I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.
I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They're not quite sure if I'm the district manager or not.
Why is my hand 11 inches long? Because if it were any longer it would be a foot!
Why is turkey happy? It just escaped from a coop.
My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.
What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him
THE RIGHT ONE HOW CAN YOU BE CERTAIN YOU FOUND THE RIGHT ONE? AFTER YOU PASS GAS,THEY HAVENT FILED FOR AN ORDER OF PROTECTION
People in India must really enjoy sandwiches. I heard there were almost 250,000 people in a new deli.
Did you hear about the anesthesiologist with giant breasts? She's a knockout.
Two robots discuss beauty They both come to the conclusion that magnets are really attractive
Organs are like onions If you cut them in half you will probably cry
If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we'd figure it out in about a week.
I just got out of school and landed my first full-time job! I could have sworn I made more money in college... working for my parents... as their son.
So a guy walks in on his daughter masterbating with a cucumber. "SICK!" he said. "I was going to eat that.... Now it's going to taste like cucumber."
How do painters stay warm? They add another coat.
There is a new app. that tells you how smarter your dog is. Here's how it works :- If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than you.
How do you make a Jewish omelette First off all Borrow 6 eggs.
Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...
Most disgusting joke I know ... [NSFW] So, I was eating out my girlfriend when all of a sudden I tasted horse sperm. I couldn't help but shout out "aha grandmother, so that's how you died!".
Reading that some butterflies avoid sex by closing their wings to males. The slutty ones get tattoos on the smalls of their backs
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
What do you call a midget fortune teller, who is wanted by the law? A Small Medium at Large
add "boobs" to a famous film name 47 boobs. got it?
Today is Steve Irwin day... Good ol' Steve, he even died with animals in his heart.
What is the difference between a camera and a sock? One holds photos The other holds five
What did the bed say to the sleepy man? "I want you inside me"
I've always wanted to be a comic book artist... I'm really drawn to it.
Why didn't the bike go to the car show? Because he was two tired.
What did Santa Claus say when Mrs. Claus asked him for the weather? It's rain, dear!
When the doctors diagnosed me with leprosy... ...I laughed my head off.
I still remember what my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?"
How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate? By reading street signs.
Circumcision jokes are.... ....pointless.
What do cops do at a buffet? They pig out.
I met a girl... I met a girl who had twelve nipples. Sounds kinda funny, dozen tit?
Why was the Turkey v Germany match called off? There were too many fowls.
What do blondes and turtles have in common? When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
don't smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg? Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor.
What's the difference between a paddling pool and a toddler? The pool doesn't scream when you go in dry.
[Enter Password] abc1234 [Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]
How do you measure a milf? themommeter
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
Why did Ms. Frizzle get fired from teaching Sex Ed? She told the class to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.
What would reunite the Beatles? 2 more bullets
Statistics humour The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."
Why don't mathematicians build bridges? Because they'll never be perfect.
What do JFK, John Lennon and Donald Trump have in common? Nothing. But a man can dream.
What did the man with a 10inch dick have for breakfast? I didn't think you would know, but I had steak and eggs.
What kind of goat did Houdini have? A scapegoat.
So I'm opening a seafood restaurant... ...and my signature dish will be eel in a light Japanese batter. It will be called "O Tempura! O Morays!"
Which newspaper is most popular around cows? The Moo York Times
What is the difference between a paycheck and a cock? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
What do you call a group of squids? a *squad*
Men don't ask for driving directions because we just don't want to arrive wherever you're making us go.
how many cooks does it take to change a lightbulb? one, and nine to stand around and say how they did it at their old job....
What did Leonardo DaVinci call his house? The DaVinci Abode
Wanna hear a joke about potassium? K
Whats the Difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt? Bolt can finish a race
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I wish I was 7'9" so my BMI would be normal
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans.
When I tell jokes my friends call me a faggot but I suppose it's just because they think i'm a bundle of shticks.
How many goals did Germany score? A Brazillion.
Me: We need to go. 11: Go without me. 7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can't let that happen.
Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit  you're wearing.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
How do you find out if a dead man has autism? You give them an autopsy
Remember that time when you didn't call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.
Since 1782, at the age of 12, Beethoven was composing some of the greatest music ever, of course since 1827 all he has been doing is decomposing.
Who won the first Tour de France? The 7th German Panzer division
What 20th century composer would make the best bartender? Philip Glass. (fill up glass)
My friend asked me how I became so confident, I told him I play Russian roulette every morning... RIP Larry.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird
how do you hide from hitler? Standstill.... he can nazi.
Did you guys hear!? Easter is cancelled! Yep, they found the body. Go home boys.
My friend Victor changed his last name to "E". No one knows why. He's become a Mystery.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous I see a lot of new faces here and I'm very disappointed.
It's an unwritten rule in girls' soccer that each team must have at least one Katie on the field at all times.
Roses are red... Violets are glorious. I wouldn't surprise Oscar Pistorius.
What the corniest part of a corn field? The corner.
"bowl of chips" 9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.
What is a castrated male's favorite operating system? Unix.
Mom filled up the refrigerator ... we could say that it had a pretty productive day.
Great news teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine. So what's so great about that? It's snowing outside!
What squeaks as it solves crimes ? Miami mice !
I should clean mirrors for a living. It's a profession I see myself in.
Teacher: In 1940 what were the Poles doing in  Russia ? Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !
How much does funeral insurance cost Enough to put you in so much debt you need to dig your way out Alternatively: an arm and a leg
Did you hear? They found a new use for sheep in texas. Wool.
When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.
I got 99 problems and the bitch heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100.
What's the difference between a jeep and a rental car? A rental car can go anywhere
If you see me tied to a horse please know I don't own one so whoever robbed me has gone out of their way to make me look like a fool.
For those who've received my unsolicited dick pix: my computer does NOT have a virus I am purposely sending those to you.
I Got Worried After Reading the Statistic on Marriage 50% of them last forever!
What do you call deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
If zombies ever do attack, I'll just skip coffee that morning. They'll leave me alone because they'll think I'm one of them.
My mom's favorite internet game is "Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?"
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, "I might be back, I haven't decided yet."
The constant challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other's smartphone.
How do trees browse the internet? They log in.
What kind of nuts go on your feet? *Sigh*... Cashews.
I'm surprised more black people don't relate with NASCAR... After all, there are no rights
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Why did the greek philosopher break in two? He was made out of Plato
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing...we are about to make fun of people on FB...
Have you heard of the hysterical TIE fighter squadron? ... lol lol lol lol ...
The cops showed up earlier saying my dog was chasing some kid on a bike.. I was like that's ridiculous, my dog can't ride a bike
What is Santa Claus' favorite metal band? Sleigher
What do you call the Knight who started the Round Table? Sir Cumference!
using microsoft word *moves an image 1 mm to the left* all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
I like to put grilled chicken in my egg and cheese stuffed breakfast burrito... Nothing warms my heart and stomach more than reuniting a mother and child.
What do you call a cat who takes a shortcut in a race? A Cheetah.
Did you hear about the Aggie that moved to Oklahoma? Raised the I.Q. of both states.
A guy at work fell into our upholstery machine a week ago Don't worry, he's fully re-covered
I changed the tranny in my 69 Camaro. Now he has a brand new dress!
I quit smoking for good Now I smoke for evil.
What's a feminist's favorite math class? Triggernometry.
Necrophilia The insatiable urge to crack open a cold one
Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi's worst nightmare.
I bought a new boomerang... but I couldn't throw away my old one.
What do you call a mexican prostitute? Nach-ho
Jewish kid calls his dad from college... ...asking for fifty dollars. Dad responds: "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo.. I had to put my foot down
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.
A Social Justice Warrior went to the doctor about their weight problem. The doctors says to avoid trans fats. The Social Justice Warrior asks, am I allowed to use Tumblr?
Be that Shopping Cart with the bad wheel. Go in your own direction no matter how hard someone try's to push you in theirs.
Remember those morons that protested civil rights reform in the 60s? If you're against gay marriage, that's how you'll look in a few decades
A pediatrician and funeral guy opened up a business together. The sign out front said "Either way, you get your kid back"
If I were Mario I'd hang out with Toad all the time He seems like a real fun guy.
The world's shortest joke. Pakistani government.
What did one bird say to the other bird? toucan play at this game.
"I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Taking a cue from politicians, I'm getting thirty normal people to stand behind me every time I say something stupid. (They're here now.)
If I were Jesus, I'd change all the water on waterslides to wine because how awesome would winoslides be?
Did you hear about the donut who split from his wife? She's terrible with the kids so he's filling for custody.
It's hard to compare Stevie Wonder to Ray Charles They are both just so out of sight
In honour of St Patrick's day, can you guess my Irish name? Pat MiGroin. Yeah, my grandpa just told me that one...some visual images cannot be unseen.
Religion That is all
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend's birth control that says, "guess u don't want 2 have my babies haha."
What do you call a half gay man? A semicolon.
If there was a race of the mentally disturbed, the necrophiliac would come in dead last Get it cus he bangs dead bodies?
Do cucumbers make anyone else burp? Or am I shoving mine up to far?
The corner store started carrying Ben & Jerry's Creme Brulee ice cream so if anybody needs me I'll be fat
Why did the boy die? Because he ate honey nectar and then went to the store and tried to buy some mustard and got eaten by a Stegosaurus
What did Pippin Took do when he was drunk? He began to feel Merry.
What are the advantages to living in Switzerland? Their flag is a big plus.
Q: What did the Irish farmer say to his cow when it climbed onto the roof of his barn? A: Get off.
Why did black beard kill his first mate? He kept singing, "your ho, your ho, a pirate's wife for me"
What has nine arms and sucks? Your mom on Def Leppard's tour bus.
Why couldn't the beaver cook his twigs? He only had Non-Stick pans.
How does Trent Reznor's mom hang up his Christmas stocking? With a Nine Inch Nail.
Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Why are Fencers so popular on /r/Jokes? Because they do well with Ripostes.
My grandma still doesn't need glasses... My grandma is over 80 years old and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
I'm Thirsty! Hey Thirsty, I'm Friday. Wanna go out on Saturday for a Sunday? ^I'm^sorry
How to live forever? Hire a project manager to plan your death.
What kind of car does George W. Bush drive? Porsche 9-11
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
What kind of money do religious businesses make? Prophet.
Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.
Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car.
Ebola Fun Fact Before the internet was invented Ebola was just known as Bola wakka wakka
What does the sterile man say when asked if he's gonna get neutered? Vas the deferens?
"Challlaaaaaah" -hip hop rabbi
Why did Toby rape a girl? He couldn't Turner on
Do they make special shoes for gingers with no soles?
Which bounty hunter specializes in tracking elves? Jingle Fett
After failing my first 2 exams, I just got an A on my third Anatomy exam... the answers were inside me the entire time
Making light humour Why did the peace-loving incandescent bulb reject the candle and choose the fluorescent lamp as role model? The fluorescent lamp wouldn't hurt a fly.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning... I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"
Want to hear a joke about the Nazis? Not Reich now.
Donald Trump is cancelling the Dawn Of Justice movie He's doing it since one of the main characters, Superman, is an illegal alien.
Why Didn't The Skeleton Go To The Party? Because he had no body to go with
[fixing your car stereo] Ah here's the problem [ejects Pitbull CD]
Who would survive if Trump and Clinton both were stranded on a island? America
Do you know why the "deez nuts" guy is in prison? He's nuts.
What college did the eyeball go to? ICU.
I pulled a girl in a nightclub last night. She said "What the fuck are you doing" and walked back out.
I have a phobia of German sausages... I fear the Wurst.
Melania Trump released a statement about the alleged plagiarism. These accusation really hurt me, and my kids. Sasha and Malia.
Cahoots Husband comes home at night, goes to bed to his wife, embraces her - going to make love with her... Wife drowsily: *What are you all today - in cahoots or something?*
I was just unfollowed by a guy with 10,349 tweets & 38 followers...I'm thinking that's the same guy at the park that talks to all the pigeons
Want to hear a joke about nitric oxide? NO
What does a jello shot and my dick have in common? They're both only meant to be consumed by dumb drunk chicks.
What did one boob say to the other boob Hey man, if we don't get some support soon they're gonna think we're nuts!
Graham Gates | Facebook Here is his YouTube channel too http://www.youtube.com/watch?nomobile=1&amp;v=yIohIslPIMU
Sometimes you have to forget what you want & remember what you deserve.
Why did the Fonz have red eyes? Because he had **AYYY** fever!
If you told me 100% of serial killers were "morning people" I'd believe you.
Not to sound like a total jock but who won baseball this month?
. No Shoes No Shirt No Problem Welcome To Walmart.
People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.
How do the Sith ascend? Elevaders
Bono played a prank on me yesterday and I wasn't happy. He really pushed me over The Edge.
Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.
Schools kind of like a penis.. long and hard, unless you're asian.
Hey all Hot Girls. I'm starting to think that all your phone numbers don't start with a 555-
Q: What is the clumsiest bee? A: A bumbling bee.
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
I Hate Housework! I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes ...and six months later you have to start all over again.
Did you hear about the flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage? It was a murder most foul.
So Aaron Hernandez is going to prison... He's going in a tight end, and coming out a wide receiver.
What is the definition of a 'double standard'? If a girl sleeps with a ton of guys she is a slut, but if a guy does it, he is a homosexual.
I like my underwear the way i like my Ronda Rousey fights Boxer brief
I saw someone use "Terrierist" instead of "Terrorist" and I don't know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.
How to make your ears pop? Try some sparkly earrings.
How much money do porn stars make? A fuckload.
Why did Plato's worst student always have stuff stuck in his teeth? He didn't understand Flossophy!
Self-Love Joke When I was at the zoo, I couldn't figure out why a monkey was staring at me with its hand between its legs. Then it came to me.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Police arrest two kids. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I want to give my ex a great Valentines present to show him how much I still care. I think I'll go all out and buy him a Toyota.
On a scale of 1-10, you're a 9 and I'm the 1 you need
What did the eye say to the other eye? Something smells between us.
A Roman walks into a bar... and holds up two fingers and says "I'll have five beers please."
What do you call a smart Blonde? A Golden Retriever
Dog and a Candy Bar How is a dog before he goes into the vet like a Snickers, and after he comes out of the vet like a Milky Way? They are both the same, just without the nuts.
A: My dog had a nose surgery - B: How does he smell? A: Terrible!
Don't call it a comeback.. .. It's mostly in your hair.
How did the knight know that his armor was made in China? He found a chink in it.
What does a cannibal drink for breakfast? A cup of Joe.
What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits for a boy to be 14 before it comes on his face
Why did the chicken run out into traffic? To get to the other side.
Jesus fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish But Hitler made 6 million Jews toast
I've never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn't shout, "We legally had to do this."
My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd.....it's now Friday June 27th.... still no email
"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources" -The Credible Hulk
what did the tampon say to the other tampon as they passed each other in the street? NSFW nothing. they were both stuck up cunts!
I just saw Jurassic World... It was DINO-mite!!! A'thank you, I'll show myself out.
A skeleton walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Hey skeleton, what'll it be?" The skeleton replies, "I will have a beer...and a mop."
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again!
The Irish have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance!
Horrible joke I made up as a kid Why are frogs on the endangered species list? Because they croak a lot!
"I love all quilts, regardless of quality." - blanket statement
What finally killed Captain Hook? Jock Itch!
I just bought that new aftershave "Stalker".... It's slightly stronger than Obsession.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change cuz I don't want to get up and find the remote.
Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
My friend saw the son of god at a brothel yesterday... Or as he called it, the third coming of Jesus.
What did the blind fortune teller tell his customer i can see your future (I'm not sure if this has been posted already)
If the majority of twitter's trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
What's black and fills out welfare forms?? A pen, you jerk.
Why did the cow sign up for TSA precheck? Butterflies
Utah... but I'm taller.
Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon
Helen Keller walks into a bar.... And then a table. And then a chair. Another table....
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who stayed up all night debating the existence of Dog?
What happens when 2 meets 3 at Times Square? 36
I like my coffee like I like my women From a third world country and covered in cream
Apple is working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy It's going to be called the I-Eye Captain
My girlfriend is such a procrastinator She never finishes
One thing that watching cartoons have taught us. Gravity only works if you look down.
What kind of beef are you most likely to catch masturbating? Stroganoff
R.I.P boiled water... You will be mist
What do you tell a women with a black eye? Nothing, you already told her once.
I'd love to hear an actor honestly answer the "How did you prepare for today?" red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes
[me as a ninja] [a smoke ball is thrown in a park] [when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
What signal tells you that a politician is lying? The lips are moving
What is Eminem made of? He is made of Mathers
Why do black people keep the brims of their hats flat? So birds don't shit on their lips.
What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday? A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.
[doctors] "How long have I got?" "Not long. Two, three months" [casually places apple on desk] "Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"
I don't understand chinese philosophy. It Confucius me.
My freshman year of college I farted in a tiny crowded dorm room & a girl's younger sister who was visiting & wasn't even drunk threw up.
I love when people say "If people hate you, it only means you're doing something right." Because that's what Hitler would say.
Did you hear they found a dead ice cream vendor covered in sprinkles? Police are saying he topped himself.
I hate being bipolar. It's awesome!
Why do migits laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls.
My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... ...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
Have you heard about the curator of the Slavic History exhibit? He's forever Russian around, Czeching that everything gets Polished
No one likes a motherfucker *Except for the mother*
The Device Too Big To Fail I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, "The Titanic is syncing."
What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas? I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mafia Victim Barbie ...feet set in cement--she really sinks!
What kind of tree do chickens come from? None of them you stupid fuck. Chickens come from other chickens, trees from other trees, and the 'try' part of 'poultry' isn't even spelled the same.
My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.
It's sad that, because of cell phones, kids today will never know what it's like to choke their friends with a phone cord.
What do you call a father who was kidnapped in Iraq? A Baghdad.
What's the difference between a penis and a testicle? (sfw) There's a vas deferens between them.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Linkin Park My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday...she said she couldn't stand my Linkin Park references anymore, but I guess in the end...it doesn't even matter.
*races to airport *hurdles though security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *romantic music swells I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell down the well? She screamed her fingers to the bone.
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it
Today my friend accused me of being condescending. It's ridiculous, I don't even think he knows what that word means.
What is a twip? A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.
*walks into Babies R Us* Hi I'd like to buy a baby. "Sir we don't-" *I slide him a 100 dollar bill* "This way please."
I'm a really big supporter of gay marriage... Mostly because I believe one day there will be a law that will allow you to shoot gay guys. And when that day comes, it will be much easier to find them.
One of the best moments in my life was hearing my wife day "till death do us part." I wish I would've known she was talking about her legs....
I was trying to help my blonde neighbour park her trailered boat in her driveway. Go ahead, back up, I kept saying...it took over 2 hours.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... They would eventually find me attractive.
More Wisdom from Confucius Man who goes to bed with itchy butt, usually wakes up with stinky fingers. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Black and Blue Whats black and blue and doesnt like sex? The six year old in my trunk!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias "Who is having alot of plight 2012]
The clock was bored of his tick-tock... ...so he changed to a better tack-tick.
Lesbian vampires What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month.
How do you catch a green elephant? Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.
I like my women like I like my cod Battered
What do you get when you breed a rabbit with an elephant? A dead rabbit with a beat-up asshole.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don't enjoy life.
It's so cute. My kids always say "I want to help you, Daddy!" because they don't know the word "hinder".
Just shoveled my sidewalk My neighbors dogs didn't seem too appreciative with all their barking and yapping. Or maybe they fucking loved it and I just don't speak dog very well.
[Jack Black's birthday] Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma. "How is Rock School going dear?" It's School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Kill the time Teacher - How did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or Internet? Smart student - i've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters...
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn? Where's pop corn?
"Maybe like a tiny bed for your face." - pillow pitch meeting
Why did the horse feel famous on Reddit? He was gelded.
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? Glue doorknobs to the walls.
The doctor asked me if I was having trouble getting an erection.. I said, getting one is not my problem it's finding someone to give it to.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. "It's pronounced Jarfield" he says through tears
My daughter can be so cruel... Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers? Me: I don't know, what? Her (pointing at me): YOU, don't eat your broccoli!
*Tim Burton slams hands on table* WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE *turns to Depp* HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I prepared the chicken earlier. I said, "Listen, there's no easy way to say this..."
My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis. For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.
Best Ever Comedy Movies - Can You Guess The Movie Quote
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die.
First man: what is the most commonly used French expression? Second man: uhh... I give up
What's worse than finding hair in your food? Finding out the chef is bald.
I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents. I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.
That awkward moment when you're not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
THE WEEKND: I can't feel my face when I'm with you DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that's kinda the point dude
Why did a man name his legless dog, Cigarette? Cause he had to take him out for a drag every night.
I'm looking into joining the rubber band industry after High school. I've heard from multiple people that it has quite extensive opportunities.
I'm not sure if Steve Jobs got into heaven... God's a bit touchy about apples...
My wife came in and yelled "What are these clothes on the floor?"...... "A dead Jedi" I replied
Hey baby, Heaven must be missing an angle because you're kindacute.
There is a band called 1023 MB. They haven't had any gigs yet though.
I was sold a calculator with the plus button missing. Something doesn't quite add up.
If she didn't reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn't have good cell service. Definitely don't stop texting her
Computers seized from Wiener prompt new FBI investigations. In her defense, Bill Clinton said it's not the first time she was betrayed by a Wiener.
Password. "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
I like my women the way I like my wine 8 years old and locked in my cellar
Just read an amazing book called "Zero Gravity" I couldn't put it down!
What did Einstein's dad say when he published his theory of relativity? Damn, son. It's about time!
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar. I know because they posted it repeatedly on Facebook.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
What body of water is used for writing? The Apostrosea.
Can't believe tomorrow is Take Your Alcohol to Work Day.
My girlfriend is like Windows... She's 10.
What does a sheepdog say when he sees something shady going down? "Let's get the flock out of here"
Did you hear about that car company having to shut down? It was a saab story.
Columbus thought he landed in the Far East. But he landed in the Far West by occident.
*Ahem, ahem* So...  A needle pulling thread... 
"You should only have to tell them once" - People with no children
How do you make a dog meow? Put it in the freezer for three days. Run it through a bandsaw. Meoooooow.
I'm using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
How many governments does it take to make an Egyptian happy? I'll let you know when I find out...
"Hi mom, don't worry but I'm in the hospital." "Heinz, stop calling me like that. You are now a doctor since 8 years."
Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store? They would steal all the boos.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was going down the road and turned into a field.
"It says here that diarrhea is hereditary..." It runs in your jeans Credit: @chillblinton
REAL math joke At a party vectors V and W see vector V+W poking in his head and asking: "Can I join?". "Yeah.", V and W reply; "It's a closed party..."
What's Fermat's favorite topic in Mathematics aside from his theorem? Fermatation.
What are the four words that you least want to hear, after having blown Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
What's the difference between Prince and a White Dwarf? Nothing, they're both dead stars.
Jesus saves But Moses invests
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.
What's the difference between a bunch of sly pygmies and a girl's track team? The sly pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts ..... (it'll come to you )
*NSFW-ish* Two nuns Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"
The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.
Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don't become polly-saturated!
Pickup lines in /r/jokes? Stahp.
Yo mama so fat... She holds her pants up with the bible belt
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Did you hear about the gay fisherman who went for a check up They said if he wanted to get better, he had to stop going down on all the docks.
What do you do when a timeline dies? Barry it.
I hate when I'm running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.
What do you call 10 degree water? Ice.
i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.
My favorite part of a marathon is... My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Doritos - my own personal love triangles.
I can't believe this paper went to college, let alone thought it ruled
So, there's a chicken and a frog in a library... The chicken shouts: "Bok!" The frog replies: "Reddit!"
How do mathematicians scold their children? "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."
What do you call a christian crawdad? A Prayfish.
How do you make Holy Water? Boil the Hell out of it!
I'm not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.
Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"! 
Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7? Because they literally can't even.
Why do giraffes have a great love life? Because they keep a good distance between their brains and their heart.
What's the most annoying thing in the internet? People who comment "repost" on a Joke subreddit.
Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday...
In the jungle, the mighty jungle. Cecil sleeps forever.
Knock knock... *Who's there?* Dwain. *Dwain who?* Dwain the bathtub I'm dwowning!
Guess who's the central character in the next Aliens movie ... Ripley, believe it or not!
Statistically, you're more likely to be killed, raped or robbed by a black person than other races. This isn't really funny, it's a PSA.
Your mama so FAT32 She always takes 4096 bytes
Never trust a married guys opinion of who's hot. It's like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I tired playing soccer But I couldn't get a kick out of it.
Met a contortionist, said, "When you wanna get sexual?" She said, "However I fit in your schedule. I'm flexible."
Why did the hooker get a vagina implanted on her hip? She wanted to make some money on the side.
What did the german child get for Christmas A mini bake oven
A baby seal walked into a club ba dum tss
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to f*ck? When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What did the Klansman say to the Muslim? Psst...Who washes your ... sheets?
You guys hear that Atheists don't get taxed? Apparently they are a non-prophet organization
This might sound crazy, but I have proof the CIA is putting chips in people's brains. I think they're Pringles.
What do you call Bruce Lee's mom when she's making obvious statements? A parent, Lee.
The less people you chill with, the less bullshit you deal with.
Roses are red... Violets are violet, That guy who hit that skyscraper was a really bad pilot.
I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.
wouldn't be arguing...
A man walks into a psychiatrist's wearing solely underpants made from cling film... The psychiatrist says 'Well, I can clearly see your nuts!'
Why did the dumb girl have a painfull bellybutton? Her boyfriend isn't the smartest one either.
So I had a dream last night about eating breakfast. It was pretty *surreal.*
Favorite lame DAD joke
I think I can fix one of your ripped shirts. Well sew it seams anyway.
Malaysia Airlines passengers have recently been asked about their flight experience; 5% said they were satisfied. 10% said they were extremely satisfied and 85% said they were blown away.
If hearing "I love you" was enough, we'd all buy parrots and live happily ever after.
Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.
What's a Mexican's favorite assignment? Ese's(Essays)
What do hippies say when you tell them to get off your couch? Namaste
How do I like eggs? Ummm...in a cake!
What do you do when you stumble upon a one-armed Polish man stuck in a tree? You wave!
What's a Liberal Arts Major's Favorite Board Game?...... Trivial Pursuit.
I tried phone sex last night Safe to say, I would prefer if you didn't call me during working hours until it goes flat.
What's the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or you can help your uncle jack off a horse
My ex-wife still misses me... ...BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
My dad everyone... Dad: U at home? Me: No. Dad: Where? Me: Hairdresser. Dad: Aaahhh. They putting pants an blouse on ur hair ? Get it. Hair dresser. Lol Ugh.
did you hear the one about the deaf guy? niether did he.
What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet? Remains to be seen.
Hear about the Donald's "high energy" masturbation kit? Tweezers and a magnifying glass.
Them: Pleasure to meet you. Me: Give it time.
What does an Alabama prostitute give her family? A discount!
From school to work, I've spent the majority of my life staring out a window, waiting to leave.
Best asian joke Im writing a speech for best friend's 21st He is Asian Points for immaturity and vulgarity Must be short HELP ME R/JOKES!! Thanks!!
Bad joke Look in the mirror and see the biggest joke ever... that's what my mom said
At first I was reluctant to fix my broken fence... but then I just had to repost.
Have you heard of the John Denver omelet? It's just like a regular Denver omelet, but it's served upside down in seawater.
Why did Einstein marry his cousin? It's all relative.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
Why didn't the leopard go on vacation? It couldn't find the right spot.
How do you call it when a girl kicks a boy in the groin during the first date? Premature emasculation.
"It doesn't say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see," I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
Im excited to have Tubman on the twenty So we can use black people as currency again
My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent he's going through withdrawls
The other day I went to the zoo All I saw was a dog. It was a shitzu
Knock, knock... .. Who's there? Buster Buster who? Buster cherry, where's ya daughter?
Amputees can be pretty stubborn. You've really got to hand it to them.
Shouldn't all ghosts be naked?? It's not like your clothes die too...
What's Jared Fogles favourite Vietnamese cocktail? Sum yung gai
I stubbed my toe while visiting my parents. "Mother fucker!" My dad pops up, "Hey! We agreed that you'll stop calling me that and I'll stop calling you 'cunt squatter.'"
I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two huge male lions, taking it in turns to shag each other. I thought, "Fcuk me, have they got no pride?"
What's better than roses on your piano? - tulips on your organ.
Shock me, say something intelligent.
Let me tell you a Statistics Joke. What is a Car in the U.S.? A mode of transportation. :D
Everyone talks about roses on a piano... I just want tulips on my organ.
what do you call the most famous canadian hacking group? anonymoose.
What's the difference between the US Election and sex? In sex it's fun to choose between a cunt and an asshole.
*Young Jesus plays with food* Mary: you're not playing until you finish your bread and fish! *ugh* *touches food* *it multiplies* NOOOOOO!!!
News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don't know if it's an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "Sir, you have to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why, doc?" And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"
I'm should probably update everyone who wrote "Have a great summer!" in my high school yearbook. It was okay.
This is getting ridiculous. At what point does a newborn learn to change their own diaper?
Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You're the Microsoft Word Paperclip.
TIFU trying to have sex and it went horribly wrong. 1 simple trick to make it to reddits front page.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
10% luck... 20% skill 15% concentrated power of will 5% pleasure 50% pain 100% reason to remember *the game.*
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. "Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don't eat the sand."
How many redditors does it take to repost a joke? About four.
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? About tennish
what do you call a clan of barbarians you cant see? invisigoths
Just had a very thorough pat-down by a TSA agent. Now he wants to talk about my feelings, but I'm soooo sleepy.
BARISTA: I have an order for...God? Is there a God? [no one answers] ATHEIST: Haha told ya GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I'm here ATH: Shit
A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator... ...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.
I overheard some women saying that guys who drive expensive cars have small penises Me: M'am, that's very inaccurate, because I drive a very INEXPENSIVE car, and I also have a small penis.
Are people who write "prolly" rather than "probably" just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that's a word?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother's cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
How does Harry Potter go down a hill? By walking. JK. Rowling.
Why was the phone wearing glasses?... Because it lost all its contacts!
What did the muslim woman say to her new fiance? Jihad me at hello.
For the english - What do you call a girl with 2 cunts? NdubZ
Philip Seymour Hoffman use to be my favorite actor... But now he's dead to me.
racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.
THEM: What's it called when you think about them all the time? ME: Love. T: What if it's about murdering them all the time? M: Also love.
Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason.
Joe is getting ready his Batman impression... So he decides to show his friend Bob. "Hey Bob, wanna see a Batman impression?" "Okay." "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" "That's Superman." "Thanks Bob!"
"love is the most powerful force in the universe" wrong! huge explosions are
I haven't jerked off in almost a month I guess you can say I haven't been feeling myself lately
What do you call an extroverted snail? A slug
What do you get when you mix a hippo, an elephant and a rhino? Hell-if-I-know!
If I had a penny everytime I was one cent short for a beer I'd have become an alcoholic.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.
*Opens Twitter*.....scrolls 4356 tweets....*checks for abs*
How many black people does it take to start a riot. -1 I stole this.
New Immigration Policy Obama tells 5 million illegal immigrants: "Come out of the shadows and register, or shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium."
What's an undertaker's favorite element? Barium!
"I'm never gonna do THAT again!" ~ Me, about things I'll continually do... Again
Wanna know why donald trump considers my penis a muslim? Because i bomb the pussy
Mom wants to meet her Son's Girlfriend Mom :- Son, I would like to meet your Girlfriend. Son:- Me Too.... (Being Single)
Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?
All panties aside, it's Friday.
I started a fertilizer store but but got sued by Apple Inc. They patented selling overpriced shit for fruits.
I think I'll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.
What do you call a sad watermelon? melancholy
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language? An American.
I got my sister a T-shirt and a dildo... That way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself.
Anyone who doesn't believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.
What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school? A flat minor.
What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. - Danny DeVito from Inside the Actor's Studio
I came across a lost kid in my neighborhood the other day Now I have to register everywhere I live and put a sign in my yard :(
I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.
"I sound nothing like that when I cry." -doves
I'm a proud member of DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
A black person and a mexican are in a car. Who is driving? The cop
"Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"
So you like limericks, huh? On the Breast of a woman named Gale was tattooed the price of her tail and on her behind for the sake of the blind was the same information in braile.
A dyslexic man... Walks into a bra.
Broke Last night, a burglar broke into my flat looking for some money. I woke up and went with him to join him in the search.
What is the worst part about being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
What has two legs and is bleeding all over the fucking rug? Half a dog
Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him? It was an emergent sea.
Why did the melon plan a big elaborate wedding? Because he cantaloupe.
If she calls me lazy again, I swear I'll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the  _()_/  emoji
Dijon vu The feeling you've eaten this mustard before.
A Mexican, a Jewish, and an American walk into a bar... Bartender asked, "is this a joke?"
Mary was in the prophet making business
My anti bacterial hand wash promises to kill germs & moisturise at the same time. Such violence & nurturing from the one product.
Why is Rengar so OP? Because E: Bola Strike.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I was in the mall the other day, and suddenly I found myself on the top floor "Boy", I thought to myself, "that sure escalated quickly"
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme. Courtesy of u/AVeryHappyCamper
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
What happens to superficial people when they die? They end up in a shallow grave.
Why would Donald Trump make a great addition to The Walking Dead? All he wants to do is build a wall.
What does Vin Diesel call "pin the tail on the donkey"? Fasten the furry ass.
Music is like candy Just throw out the wrappers.
Dr. Who knock knock joke Knock knock Who is it? **Doctor.** Doctor who? **YES**
Why did the Mexican school girl get pregnant? Here teacher said to go home and do her "essay".
*empties an ice cube tray in the Arctic* "You're free now."
A peephole was found drilled into the wall of a women's locker room in a gym in Manhattan. ...........The police are looking into it.
ME: I can't come in to work. My grandma died BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year ME: yeah she's a cat
What are your go to jokes? I was at an event the other day and someone asked "So... anyone know any jokes?" What's everyone's "go to" joke in social situations?
Marriage is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
What is the difference between an egg and a redditor? Eggs get laid at least once.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power
How can you tell a mechanic just had sex? Two of his fingers are clean.
Me: "What's the haps, yo?" 19yo niece: ... Me: ... 19yo niece: ... Me: "I'm sorry."
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don't wanna walk around doing grave math.
Q . what did the sign on the whore house  say?A: Beat it we are closed
My neighbours listen to good music Whether they want to or not
Words cannot describe how cute you are... but numbers can tho, you're a 3/10
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.
My four year old cousin told me: Home is where you can sit on the toilet as long as you want.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I have a friend with only one leg. He's been having some issues with stares.
I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself "she totally deserved to die".
Most of the lies I tell aren't even true.
I hate grocery shopping. That's why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I'm getting, but it sure is faster.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children's bicycle, you're probably in a bad neighborhood.
What goes clip-clop clip-clop bang!? An Amish drive-by shooting.
The other day my friend was telling me I didn't know what irony meant... Which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop.
still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It's Made" episode on babies. otherwise i fear i'll never figure it out
These new drone regulations... I had to register my two sticks of butter with the FAA. It was so much trouble just to see my butter fly.
I answer private number calls with: "Rent a Gent hello"
When I was visiting the islands in Alaska, I thought I saw an eye doctor wandering around... It was just an optical Aleutian.
Did you hear about the Mathematician who was constipated, and lost his calculator? He worked it out with a pencil
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I'm here to like' them.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own? It was two tired.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
After telling joke that made me seem gay to my friend... I started laughing and said, "Sorry, I'm not thinking straight." Badam tsss
No tables? Maybe THIS will change your mind [slides maitre d' piece of paper that says "It's my birthday"]
Yo mama so fat when she moves, the space-time ripples are detectable with naked eye.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
What is up with these reposts? It must be heredditory.
Does anyone have a really good racists or sexist knock knock joke?
What is the difference between picking your nose.... ...and fucking someone up the ass? When picking your nose, you hope something **will** be stuck to the end after you pull out!
My silent frog died... After a noiseless life and a drawn out death, the little guy finally croaked.
I tried the blowjob trick with dogs and peanut butter I don't know what the fuss is all about. It tasted terrible.
Today I tried to pick up a girl by telling her I was invisible. She saw right through me.
You're not considered an alcoholic if you're married.
Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I'm doing important volunteer work.
After years of working in a hospital, I've become a bit of a germaphobe. I just do NOT believe that Bacteria should have the right to get married.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Today I bought some shoes from my local drug dealler.. I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day
Could somebody please explain "free range" eggs? These chickens aren't even born yet. I'd kind of rather they be stationary.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
How do you help a choking pig? With the Ham-Lick maneuver of course
What did they call the Mexican cleaning robot? Aye CaRoomba
What do you call that useless skin around the penis? A man....
Why can Warren Buffet pull great stock tips out of his ass? He has a tickertapeworm!
Just popped in to say I'm considering switching to Depends. I'm not having a problem, but new underpants everyday!
What's the difference between a feminist studies major and a bench? A bench can support a family.
What does a Jewish pedophile say to a child? Do you want to buy a candy?
What do you call it when the robot from Futurama gets in a minor car accident while wearing a dress? A gender bender Bender fender bender.
Making out with a blind girl... I made out with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "Nah, You're just pulling my leg."
Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free. (Stolen from my science textbook)
I like my coffee like I like my women Basically, I'm now banned from Starbucks.
What person strives to ensure safety for horses? Ralph Neighder!
What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal.
If I had a crystal ball that could see five years into the future... I would have 2020 vision.
A girlfriend and boyfriend are talking... The girl says, "hey John, how do you spell 'pedophilia?'" He responds, "gosh honey, why do you need to know? That's an awfully big word for an 8 year old."
Joke of the Day 6/13/14 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I saw a documentary on how they make jeans... It was riveting.
It's so cool how math isn't real now that I'm a grown up.
[Therapist appt.] Hub: She doesn't have her priorities straight. *Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* "That's not true"
It's not believable when Billy Bob Thornton isn't an alcoholic in a movie.
Here you go, Merry Christmas! "Dad, why'd you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?" Because I wanted to make- Mom: NO DON'T My presents felt
What did Aaron Hernandez lose when after he got cut by the Patriots His TE
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" Maybe I eat too much pizza ...
What supplement did Stallone take during the Rocky films? Ginkgo Balboa
The "Lumos/Nox" trick on Android phones is pretty neat. However... I'd advise the Galaxy Note 7 crowd to avoid "Avada Kedavra."
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
After years of searching for my girlfriend's G-spot, who would have guessed her sister had it all this time!
I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.
You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
Whats the best part about sex with a pregnant woman? You get a blowjob from the fetus.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel. I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal
Why was Karl Marx arrested for brewing a cup of Earl Grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Two tomatoes were sitting in a fridge... One tomato says to the other: 'Ain't it cold?' And the other replies: 'HOOOOOLY SHIT, A SPEAKING TOMATO!!!'
If someone writes you a long email that ends with "Thoughts?" just reply "Nope."
Tony the Tiger knows that Chuck Norris is G-R-E-A-T!
Mum, where do I hang the clothes. The hanging line's gone. Son, just hang them in the gallows. No one would know.
An Atheist Walks Into A Bar... An Atheist walks into a bar with God, Thor, and Zeus. The bartender looks at him and says "Drinking alone again, I see..."
What do gay jazz musicians play? The ballsax.
Commented on a woman's french manicure. "I like your tips" ...let's just say she didn't hear me correctly.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe you idiot! Breathe!"
What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn? A Moles Royce.
I never understood why it was popular in AOL chatrooms back in the day to ask if others had neurodegenerative diseases.... Squishyquake81: "Hi, ASL"
I just read an article in the newspaper about how 60% of adults still live with their parents. I was like "OMG Mum did you read this???"
What was Hitler's least favorite sauce? Jus
Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Did you hear about that guy who said 'that's' like 'dat's'? Instead of saying that's mine, he said dat's mine.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
What do you get when you cross a horse with a pig? Sarah Jessica Porker
What causes dimples? Its how many times your dad poked you in the face when he was fucking your mom when she was pregnant with you
Just been watching the Olympic ladies beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be okay by Monday.
Do you know what they say about the guy that invented life savers? He sure made a mint.
Race jokes are NEVER okay! Unless it's between a tortoise and a hare. :)
If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.
Why was the gangster sick after going to west Africa? He got eballa
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[Speech Therapy] Therapist: Repeat after me: I'm thirsty Dad: I'm...thirsty T: I'm hungry D: I'm...H...Hi Hungry, I'm Dad T: *throws clipboard*
What do midwesterners call Minnesota? Minnepop.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach ...
An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this? Some sort of joke?!"
What do you call making jokes of a chicken on fire? Roasting a chicken.
Sitting while wearing shorts is a fun way to make your thighs look like they escaped sausage casing.
What do anemic people drink? Pale ale
Q: How does the queen bee get around her hive? A: She's throne.
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are sold for a couple of dollars, and deer nuts can be found under a buck.
What animals do you bring to bed? Your calves.
What did the Jewish child molester say to the kid? Hey kid, do you want to buy some candy?
My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Countdown with them "What's that?", I replied, "Dracula's retarded brother?"
Not all wood floats Natalie wood, for example.
What do all murderer's have in common? they all have killer personalities
So what are you doing today?? "So what are you doing today?" - "Nothing." - "What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!" - "That's right, and I'm not finished yet."
I hate that random song you hear in the morning and gets stuck in your head all day long.
BlackBerry: being significantly less obvious than a magazine to carry into the office shitter since 2002.
I Ordered Pizza From OP Pizza... Turns out they don't deliver.
Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute? It opens on impact.
I needed something to leave my door open.... So I left it ajar.... :'D
What do you call a boyscout in WWII-era Germany? A knotzi.
I went to buy a 'Where's Wally?' book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.
Today holds a lot of meaning to me. Today is the 2 year anniversary that I lost my wife and children I'll never forget that game of cards.
Gays in the military "If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"  Adam Hills
What happened to the two mad vampires?  They both went a little batty.
What do you call a bunch of gay slaves? Fruits of labor.
Ireland is beautiful Too bad Irish people live there
My doctor told me I had stop masturbating. I asked why and she said "because you're in my office and it's fucking disgusting." Fair enough.
How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? Sorry, your Quest to whore karma is currently unavailable. Please try again later.
[Computer Games] Enemy: Where have you learned aiming? Response: In programming course.
Have you heard about the humble farmer? He's a grower, not a shower.
What does an accountant call a friend's birthday party? (x-post from /r/tax) A present liability!
My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I'm really pissed that I didn't think of that first.
By a show of Hans, how many of you are German?
What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
What is the most common blood type among pessimists? B Negative.
Most effective way to remember your wife's Birthday Question : What is the most effective way to remember your wife's Birthday? Answer: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again. :D
Why Does Captain Kirk Have 3 Ears? He's got his left ear, his right ear...and the final front ear.
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice.
A corrupt politician turns the power off in an orphanage. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
What is a chicken's favorite composer? Bach!
What's one thing a woman can never say no to? Rape.
If there's one thing I know about Mexican stand offs... In the end, there can only be Juan.
Did you hear the one about the pilot who backed into the propeller? Wrecked'em. Damn near killed him.
TIFU Now the disc is not playable.
Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don't see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.
Using Craigslist can get you murdered, but that's only one of its many advantages
Someone that knows three languages is multilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language? An American.
Why do successful lettuce farmers always get women? Because everyone knows they give good *head*.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Harry Potter: "Hermoine, I'm gay" Hermione: "Are you kidding?" Harry: "No, I'm fucking Sirius"
What do you call a lawsuit against a zombie? Deceased and desist
I had Taco Bell for lunch AND dinner. So yes. I've given up on life.
trolls have found a terrible new way to antagonize me. it is called "retweeting" and it works by exposing my posts to scammers & crumb bums.
My wife thinks I'm cheating on her. Because none of our kids look like her.
I can usually tell how productive I've been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
What's everyone's problem with euthanasia? I like little asian kids
Trump running for president It's Hillaryous.
What happened after the eyeliner and mascara got in a fight? They had make-up sex.
Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire? She wanted to lay it on the line!
3 Men Walk Into a Bar One of them should've noticed. (credit to my brother)
What's the difference between my computer and Paul Walker? I don't give a shit about Paul Walker crashing.
Beginning to worry that, on my deathbed, I'm going to be just lying there, refreshing twitter.
When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this shit anymore"
Why don't they let blind people sky dive? It scares the shit out the dogs.
Why was the chess player pregnant? Because they were mated.
Easy way to tell GOP actually know their policies are hot giraffe shit is how ashamed they are of George W. Bush.
For my next trick I'll turn a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
A woman walks into a bar. "OUCH!"
"Whoa! It's really hot in here!" "Sorry, Should I leave?"
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Can we get a tagging system for jokes? Like [OL] for one-liners, [S] for story, etc..
I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it... *The Selfie Made Man.*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that's Fahrenheit or centigrade.
What do you get if you cross an Egyptian  mummy with a car mechanic? Toot and Car Man.
If Clinton makes a good joke it'll be Hillaryous
I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday... Never again. Credit: Tim Vine.
I gave a melon a vasectomy. Now it can't elope
What's worst than a dead baby in a trash can? A dead baby in three trash cans.
A joke about 'The Interview' Nobody fucking cares.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, WOW! that one REALLY looked female.
My TCP server is getting fat Too many processed syn-acks
Dicks are like LAYS potato chips... No one ever sucks JUST ONE!!
My friend was knocked down and killed by a speeding truck full of designer Versace dresses The police said he was a fashion victim
What kind of sex toys do terrorists prefer? Blow up dolls.
I was attacked at a birthday party by a Mexican man with a baseball bat. Thankfully he was blindfolded and extremely dizzy.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I'd wait until next week.
I like to make jokes about summarizing stories without context. For example: *...Long story short, my mother isn't allowed to walk on the neighbor's lawn anymore*
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he's in two places at once.
How does Donald Trump plan to expel all Muslims from the county? Legalize Uber.
everyone's always saying 'the good ones die young', 'god only takes the best'. so I must be immortal
How much resistance can a Buddhist monk endure? Ohmmmmmm............?
Kleptomaniacs are the worst hecklers. They always steal the punch...
I've had good' tattooed down my cock. I like to see a bit of good in everyone.
What gas is best dressed at a dinner party? Formaldehyde
The problem with telling lawyer jokes is Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
Hey airplane designers, why don't the people who pick the number of windows talk to the people who pick the number of rows?
Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry...Alcohol is a solution.
What did the pints say upon landing on Planet Metric? "Take us to your liter."
Would you like to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, its too cheesy!
How do you discipline your pet rock? You hit rock bottom!
Friends are like trees... They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him? A sick Bern.
*hears your text message notification beep* *constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down... No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Don't do drugs, kids. The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Daisy: how are you Gatsby: great
Did you hear about the monkey lawyer who kept throwing his shit at the witnesses? He's been transferred to a different branch.
How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those  eggs? He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.
Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? Because they can't stop saving their work.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don't like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
What do you call a scam artist who is walking down the stairs? Condescending
Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.
Two blondes in a hole Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
No hedgehogs were harmed in the making of this short movie 'Ripping the Legs Off a Hedgehog So He Looks Like a Pinecone'.
Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn't let you in because you're terrible?
My style speaks for itself. For example, today it says, "You probably shouldn't go out in public dressed like this."
there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair
*job interview HR: Can you name one of your strengths? Me: Sure. I'll call it Giselle.
What did Trump get for Christmas? Stage IV rectal carcinoma with a recto-vesicular fistula so he farts out his penis...hopefully.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary and those that don't.
I asked for your advice but now I'm angry with you because I don't like your advice.
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true....Comet cleans sinks!
A blind man walks into a bar... And hits his head.
How did Helen Keller break her arm? You try reading a stop sign at 60 miles an hour.
Me: "Can I see the baby?" Sister: "Yes, but only if she's awake." Me, through a megaphone: "NOT A PROBLEM."
Why are Indian the best in bed? They always come late.
My girlfriend started smoking... ...so I slowed down and applied lubricant.
What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist? A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.
What elements make up life? Lithium and Iron
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it's only because I have bad aim.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with "Thoughts?"
A religious family member literally said "Spongebob goes too far sometimes" and I can not stop laughing.
A vegan in the woods. If a vegan is alone in the woods with nobody to tell, are they still a vegan?
This Christmas... This Christmas, Donald Trump's hair becomes sentient and nukes canada. Only one Democratic Socialist can prevent a total World War. Bernie Sanders stars... in HELL TOUPEE
How do you piss off horny redditors in nsfw? [deleted]
So i made a joke about paper.. but it was tearable
Mariage is like deck of cards At first its like a diamond and heart. Then it turns into a club and spade.
Dear Abby, I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma. Teen: Huh? Doctor: He's in airplane mode now. Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field
There are two kinds of countries in this world. Those who use the metric system. And those who have landed a man on the moon.
What do you call three Trumpies? Drei rot.
How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello? Konichihuahua
What's the difference between your mom and my computer? I can still turn your mom on.
What do you call a man with his hand up a horse's ass? An Amish mechanic.
Why does the Little Mermaid where sea shells? Because she can't fit in B shells!
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? Q: What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? Ans: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day? St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I decided to live at the gym, it was free! Because of squatter's rights.
How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to shoot him if he does it wrong.
My trip to the psychiatrist. Me: I have a crippling fear of backstories. Psychiatrist: So when did this begin? Me: AHHHHH!!!!!!
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
What do sex and air have in common? They're no big deal unless you aren't getting any.
'I have trains ran on me all the time.' - Railroads. Or my ex-girlfriend.
Last Christmas I bought my mother-in-law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits. She looked angry and said "I'm a medium" Bullshit!! XXL fit her perfect!
Overly Polite Twins Why were the overly polite twins almost never born? "After you." "No, after you."
Caucasian Half-Cauc, Half-Asian
What's Bernie Sanders favorite Christmas Carols? deck the halls with boughs of free cash
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today
What type structural support do you make out of phone books? A call-em
My dentist hit me in the mouth... ...he really hurt my fillings.
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.
A Blind Man Walks Into A Bar Then Into a Table, Then Into A Bar Stool.......
If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.
I thought about marrying my mom... but Oedipus wrecked it for me.
How does a girl in West Virginia know when her mama is on the rag? Her daddy's dick tastes funny
What do you call a black man camping? Criminal intent
What do you call an underwater restaurant that serves cured meats to sharks? A Sharc-eatery
Chocolate Rain + Rickrolling = death by Youtube
The problem with today's children is that today's grown-ups are idiots.
Why is milk the fastest liquid on the planet? It's pasteurised before you can see it!
Want to hear a good physics pun? It's relatively funny.
in your head, in your heaaaaaad Harambe, Harambe
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
My mate with Tourettes was cured after walking into a Gay Bar "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!" He shouted.... He's not said a word since..!!
I enjoy cereal so much.. I enjoy cereal so much that I started incorporating it into other aspects of my life. For example, I don't get blue balls, I get Grape-Nuts.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[NSFW] I got an awesome handjob from my barber after my haircut Just one of the many benefits to cutting your own hair
What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
Boobs What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or people will think we're nuts!
What did Groot say when he had amnesia? Am I Groot? (Credit to my 7year old son)
I just started reading "Codependency for dummies" I can't put it down.
Why don't astronauts take anything seriously? They don't grasp the gravity of the situation...
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb To get to the other side
ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.
What do you call a miniature pension? Warhammer 401k
Beware of Advice from Successful People They don't want company.
Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.
My girlfriend turned to me and said "Dave, I think we've come to the end of the road." "Why?" I said, shocked. "We're in a lake."
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
I'm at my most "penguin", when I'm walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.
A man walked into his house and was delighted... ...when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
What do you call a gay Eskimo? A snowblower.
A homeless man told me to get home safely I smiled and said, "You too!"
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn't figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Umm..I don't want to be "that inmate," but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
What do you call a black pilot? A pilot, you racist!
Did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds crazy, dozen tit?
I put a huge brown paper bag over this keg. So people won't know I'm drinking at work.
Having sex with you is like playing hide and seek After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don't do nuthin dumb Me: That's a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English - hey, come back
I had a dog that always used to chase people on motorcycles In the end I had to take the keys off him
Friend: [showing baby photos] Me: Ah yes, very baby
I love women so much that.. If I were a woman I'd be lesbian.
Sending 17 text messages explaining why you're not crazy seems a little counterintuitive.
Did you know: the human body is 60% water, 20% hair, 34% rope, 9% tubes, 12% earrings, 99% eyes, 13% jubjubs, 6% dingdongs, 100% crannies
I found a new way of making popcorn... just give an ear a baby
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
A blonde a brunette and Ellen Pao walk into a bar... This content has been censored by Ellen Pao because it was harassing her personal interests
[begin metajoke] What did the drunk Chinese customer say to the bartender? No have to cut me off. Fall off barstool by myself. [end metajoke]
Q: Why did the engineer drive the backwards? A: He had a loco motive.
What's the difference between a group of pigmies and a lesbian track team? One of them is a bunch of cunning runts
To err is human To arrrgh is pirate
My top 5 yoga positions 5 Napping Warrior 4 Downward Spiral 3 Crying Plank 2 Farting Tree 1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets
What's a necrophiliac's favorite band? Coldplay.
Are you ready, kids?! ARE YOU READY FOR THIS SUNDAY NIGHT WHEN THE CHAMPION JOHN CENA DEFENDS HIS TITLE IN THE SUPER SLAMMMMMMMMMM? DUBYA DUBYA EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Donald Trump wants to ban shredded cheese... He wants to make America grate again
What did the vampire call his false teeth?  A new fangled device.
So an ogre walks into a club...
I went into a pesticide shop and asked the owner if he had anything for flies. Stupid idiot shat in my hand.
There are 2 types of people in this world: Those who pee in the shower... And stinkin' LIARS!
What is 12 inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden infant death syndrome.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One deer turns to the other and says "Man, I cant believe i blew 30 bucks in there"
Why couldn't the depressed person get his email? He had a bad Outlook.
There's a lot of nasty jobs out there Butt plumbers have seen some shit.
What do you call a gorilla that's a member of a terrorist organization? Boko Harambe
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job. I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
What do you call a weatherman's evil twin? A doppler-ganger
Slow and Steady Wins the Race. But Fast and Furious killed Paul Walker.
Chuck Norris Once roundhouse kicked a horse in the jaw, thus creating the giraffe.
I opened my water and electricity bills at the same time. I was shocked.
What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a large pizza? "A large pizza can feed a family of four"
Atoms are what make us all Matter:)
good jokes here http://iteslj.org/c/jokes-short.html
A rhyme which is neither Hickory nor Dickory Hungary Dungaree Duck That fowl sure loves to fuck just like his feathers his zipper is down Hungary Dungaree Duck
I hate being bipolar. It's fucking awesome.
When I first got my student loans, I thought they were great. Now, they're outstanding!
[NSFW] Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess snails make?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
he's not all bad: after an 12 hour shift at a local food kitchen, mayor Rob Ford selflessly turned down a hot meal. "I've got more than enough to eat at home"
Sausages or..... Salsa Jizz
Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them with your mom.
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Alright, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
So, I was talking to my friend who runs a scrap yard. I asked how business was... ... He replied: "pretty good, I've seen a bit of a pickup recently."
[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]
So, we're arguing and I've suddenly realized I don't agree with a word I'm saying. Which really ups the degree of difficulty for winning.
I used to be addicted to having sex with bars of soap. But then I came clean.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
AMA request: Floyd Mayweather I wonder if he'll see this
Why do mimes always lose arguments? They don't have a say in anything!
Give a fish a man, that's a bit odd. Teach a fish to catch men and... what have you done you fool! Run! We must escape its scaley clutches!
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
What do the Egyptians call a man who cannot keep his opinions to himself? IMHOtep
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
what do you call a Black man with a small dick? By his name you racist fuck!
Why did Yoda need a stepladder in the chocolate shop? Because he was reaching for a galaxy far, far away.
Several ducks were found dead in a playground. Police are suspecting fowl play.
Why dont Canadian colleges have spring break First , you need spring.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me
What do you call chow mein cooked in tomato sauce? impasta
Hot Date: Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date. Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman.
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below
What if when the machines gain self awareness they just constantly text us and ask what we're up to and invite us to play FB games
Why do Bay Area gamers like Pier 39 Modern wharf air
Where do lobsters buy their work clothes? Homardware.
What is the best "bang for your buck"? Vaseline.
Q: How do small people call each other? A: On microphones.
I knew I'do have to close the podiatry clinic I had opened in Paris. I smelled defeat.
Guys, don't worry, the glass ceiling already broke 78 years ago! It was called Kristallnacht.
I don't have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Will He Win ? by Betty Wont
Why did the guy with a 7-days-a-week sexual job look forward to the weekend? Because his favorite part of sexual intercourse is the BEGINNING and END!
What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship? All four people are happy.
What does a sick billionaire say? "I feel like a million bucks"
Sex is like lasagna - there's absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
What's the difference between a jew and... ...Do you know what's the difference between a jew and a boy scaut? A boy scout comes back from a camp.
I would not recommend eating at the new Star Wars themed restaurant... The burgers are chewy
I need a high resolution photo of Puff Daddy... ... so I can make my 1080P. Diddy joke.
Where does Max Planck go for a night out? To the h-bar
I've got a drug test tomorrow at work Good thing I know loads about drugs =)
Due to my lack of sexual experience... I prematurely ejaculate every time I watch a baseball game.
The wife My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets... She'll be back when she's hungry.
The thing I don't like about Dietary Fiber is the large poops I'm also not crazy about our dog's name.
The school called me on the phone today and said, "Your son has been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good! I don't have no kids!
Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables.
I learned how to talk to animals today.. Now they just have to learn to listen
Who's the most meta player on a Football team? The PUNter.
Why do they call the 3 musketeers.. musketeers? Not one of them uses a musket =( justsayian
Am sorry boss, I know I said I'd do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven't met yet.
"I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun." Said a bunch of now single guys.
An escalator can never break  it can only become stairs.
What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph, because they're too short to be an es'e
I like short jokes.
North Korea new leader After Kim Jong Un dies, North Korea will be ruled by his son, Kim Jong Deux.
Did you hear about the murdered essay? They can't find the body.
You: Knock knock, Me: Who's there?
I have batlike reflexes. -You mean catlike reflexes? *screeches real loud right in your face to locate food and avoid obstacles*
I'm DJ Con$tapation I don't give a shit.
Typing Mistake One million copies of a new book sold In just 2 days due to typing error of 1 alphabet in title. "An idea,that can change ur wife'' While real word was (life).
My local barber was busted today for dealing drugs. I'm in shock. I've been a loyal customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
Did you hear about the new chemical that turns lesbians straight? Trycoxide is showing staggering results!
How did the Endorian get to school every day? Ewok'd.
How do you make a duck sing soul music? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies ,if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a Camera in it.
If a regular frog says "ribbit," what does a horny frog say? "Rubbit."
Do you like fishsticks? What are you a gay fish
An idea only achieves transcendence after it is: 1. Published as book 2. Made into a feature film 3. Turned into an amusement park ride
Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide &amp; seek with? An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus
Open books don't get judged by their covers.
Was going to go see The Pope the other day but too tired to go... ...you could say that I was too pooped to Pope.
So, I accidentally sent a picture of my d&amp;#k to everyone in my address book today Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work. Siri: Lol
Why did Fred put band aids in the refrigerator? He wanted cold cuts.
What did the radioactive sample say to the other radioactive sample? IDK.
Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell? Easy. More traffic is going to hell.
I sold my old bike the other day. I decided it was time to peddle it.
Bill Clinton right now, texting Monica Lewinsky "You up?"
Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you're interested in what they are saying
Day one of acting school should be teaching actors how to hold an empty cup of coffee on 'Law and Order' like it's a full cup of coffee.
A baby crawls into a bar... He asks the bartender for a milk. The bartender says, "I guess you want that in a bottle?". The baby replies, "What do you have on tit?"
The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like "Ok but only if you're racist too."
I'm not going back to school ever again Why ever not? The teacher doesn't know a thing all she does is ask  questions!
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They just arrest the entire room for being dark.
Where do ants keep their armies? in their sleevies
Roses are infrared Violets are infrared I'm hunting you for sport And soon you'll be dead -a valentine from the Predator
To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!
Those who say "two wrongs don't make a right" have obviously never tried ranch dressing on french fries.
Does anyone know if it's worth signing up for this sex offender registry? Will I learn any new moves or techniques?
Last time I used my phone was to call someone upstairs in my house b/c getting up is hard & I'm not trying to win the Olympics.
When my wife starts ... When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
I was cured of lycanthropy. Now I'm a were-wolf.
What will santa bring your fish this  christmas? A scale letrix!
Currently using my daughter's iTouch to read your tweets. Also, reading her emails and writing shit on her Facebook page.
What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vender ? Make me one with everything
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon balls!
Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.
What's the hardest part about walking through a field of dead babies? My erection.
How to spot the toughest guy in jail? He still has some whistle left in his fart.
What do you call cake that isn't yours? Stollen
*forgets to talk to friends for 4 weeks*
One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.
two Penguins Two penguins went to the bakery and asked for bread. The baker asked: do you want white or brown bread. then te penguins replied: it doesnt matter because we came on our scooter.
I've spent about 6 years of my life waiting for roommates to leave so I don't have to say hi to them when I come out of my bedroom
Whats the easiest way to annoy someone?
Boyfriend: You know you can..... Boyfriend: You know you can be a real bitch. Girlfriend: I have been called worse. Boyfriend: Like what? Girlfriend: Your girlfriend!
Asked the librarian for a book on the female G Spot. He couldn't find it.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
What did the Leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip.
Besides being an famous chief (despite burning everything he cooked), Adolf Hitler was also a star athlete.... He was the fascist kid on the playground.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom A pick pocket snatches watches.
What is a mathematician's favorite food? A slice of Pi.
If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.
What did Obama mean when he called for "change"? Come Help A Nigger Get Elected
Snake: *hissssssssss* Feminist snake: \*herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\*
I like my women how I like my bicycles, chained up in the garage.
How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ?
I walked up 14 flights of stairs, so I'm all done with exercise this month.
1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!" 2nd man: "Did they wake you?" 1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."
What football position did the forever alone play? Left Out
Why are people so sad in Ferguson? Because they live in misery
*phone rings* SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week? ME: No returns SATAN: Please. It's making me sad
Your garbage disposal eats better than most of the world.
I saved a bunch on my car insurance by making the switch.. To reverse and driving away from the accident
Medusa was the hottest woman ever. Every man who looked at her got rock hard.
Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.
Whats the difference between a Pizza and Jew? A pizza doesn't scream in the oven
Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term? Oh... *Tosses tissues in the trash*
What did the Cryptologist have for breakfast? Hash with alot of Salt
I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.
Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor At first I was afraid. I was petrified.
A German is at the border to go to Poland. The officer asks him: Name? Hans Gruber. Address? 123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin Occupation? Nein, just visiting.
I was fooling around with my new Roomba... I guess you could call it nice, clean fun.
I just can't trust stairs anymore Try seem like they're down for anything, but really they're always up to something
How do you catch a Douchebag? JerkBait.
What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to pigs? A hamosexual.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
How the hell is the director of the CIA unable to hide an affair?
An ESL student accidentally bought a middle Engish dictionary... ...and hath furnished many a quipster and baffoon with merriment and jocularity
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce? Chicken sees a salad
What is the best way to find out if someone is ticklish? Use your test tickles
Dad joke- Car sick. I was riding in the car with my cousin and uncle. My cousin says "I think i'm getting car sick". Her dad says, "Well if you get out of the car then you'll just be sick".
Why did the dragon go to jail for farting? Arse-on. **Cough Cough** I'll see my way out.
[Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
What does a terrorist and a soccer player have in common? Mossack Fonseca.
Did you hear about the new Chinese rap duo? 2 Changz
I don't know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
"Bro she's a cold digger" [later with gf] Do you only want me for my germs? [she stops licking my face] Why would you ask that?
What does a 90 year old's pussy taste like? Depends.
Why didn't the internit get any  e-mail? Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Why has there never been an Asian president? Because they are taken to the hospital if the election lasts more than 4 hours
Have you heard about Karma, the new restaurant? There's no menu. You just get what you deserve.
Knock knock... Who's there? Ah. Ah who? WEREWOLVES OF LONDON
What do you call a sleeping police officer? An undercover cop.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Yo mama is so fat that... The recursive function used to calculate her mass causes a stack overflow.
The gym got a new machine recently, it does everything! Snickers, twix, Mccoys, pepsi....
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Then when people ask me what it means...
Death by chickpea... What do you call it when a chickpea smashes another one to death? Hummuscide Thanks, I'm out.
Did you hear about the reverse exorcism? The devil was trying to get the priest out of the little boy!
I think dinosaurs didn't get hit by a meteor they just all committed suicide because they didn't have internet
I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
Authorized, Bona Fide, Established... those are some Legit synonyms.
What did man create that inevitably destroyed man itself? Reddit
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. Two condoms walk past a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "Hey, wanna go get...shitfaced?"
A girls diet always starts tomorrow...
I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names
I heard Bernie Sanders lost a delegate to the millionaire in a coin toss. The difference was a Quarter of 1%.
My penis is a gentleman ... It stands up so ladies have a place to sit down.
I'd like people more if they were kittens instead.
Why does the US love Israel so much? Because is a raeli good country
Q: When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other? A: There are more ducks on that side.
Why do ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
I get about your body being a temple but... right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I'm all about fun.
"If you started at 16 and work until you're 23. That would give you 10 years of experience." Back to school for you My friend!
What do white guys have bellow their hips thats hard and pleasures women Credit Cards
My son just referred to a beaver as a "wood-eater". So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he's correct on two levels.
Terrible music pun If a person were to have sex with Andrew Stockdale, would that make them a wolf, motherfucker?
How do black people get to Hogwarts ? They go through wall 9 3/5
"WHAT DO WE WANT?" "Hearing aids." "WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?" "Hearing aids."
People think it's great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age. I like 10 year olds. See? Creepy. I'll wait in the van.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Never argue with an Archeologist Theyll just keep digging up the past
Yesterday while I was talking with my girlfriend about Ebola, I asked her what she would do if I had Ebola... "Ebola what, Cheerios?" Best joke she's ever told
I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something.
A guy got hit by a car in his left side. He's all right now.
I'm not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Everyone thinks its cute when a kid wants to be a pirate But when a Somalian kid says he wants to be a pirate it's a different story
a lady was like "can you believe he's 14 months old already" and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day
i hav cat-like reflexes "prove it" *looks at a cat* (instantly) i like that cat
What did the frog say when he walked into the bar? *Bonjour.*
I don't know many football players except... The one with the Messi hair
What do you call a confusing sharp pain in the ass immediately after a break up? An ex or cist?
What did the Frenchman yell on the roller coaster? Yes!
What do you guys think of this quote I came up with? "Good artists copy, great artists steal."
I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare at him angrily while I order something completely different.
A Latvian joke. J: Kapec vistas skerso celu? A: Lai noklutu uz otru pusi!
On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day, Carol. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday.
Ur mum is so ugly That hello kitty said goodbye
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? Jelly is made with the juice of the fruit.
I would tell the one about Jonestown.. But the punch line is too long
A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.
My girlfriend just told me she has a STD... I'm Gonorrhoea-valuate our relationship
What does Light Yagami drink at the bar? Tekira!
Your clothes will never forgive you... You always hang them out to dry.
What do you call Turkish President, Recep Erdogan, after the military coup? Erdogone
I once went to a Japanese Tea ceremony... It was steeped in tradition.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
what's the difference between an elephant and a sicilian grandmother? the black dress
 Kim Jong Un   North Korea  the   ? Because    !
How do you kill 100 flies? Smack an Ethiopian kid in the face.
What does a duck like to have for breakfast? Quacker Oats
Did you know Helen Keller had an amusement park in her backyard? Neither did she.
People tell me filling animals with helium is bad.. But i say whatever floats your goat.
Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms? Better traction in the mud.
Do you know what a pirate's favorite letter is? Most people think its "R" but it's really the "C."
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
Two fish were in a tank. One looks to the other and says, do you know how to drive this? Now, two sharks were in a tank. One looks to the other and says, I don't think that's enough equity.
When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes
Knock Knock Who's there ! Abe ! Abe who ? Abe C D E F G H... !
What do you call a long line at a cookout? A barbequeue.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Why is it that at class reunions  you feel younger than everyone else looks?
What is the difference between Black men and white men? Black men can't fuck "Alexis Texas"
You're not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU'RE RICH
Heard about the new Itailian all-weather tires? Dago through rain Dago through mud Dago through snow And when Dago flat Dago wop-wop-wop-wop...
Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors. Because they were Veteran Aryans.
Did you hear about the dog who had sleep apnea? He had to get a C-PUP machine.
How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if "Thomas the Tank Engine" was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive
What's a teenage fish's favorite website? Prawn Hub
2 eggs were on a frying pan One of them says: "Gee, it's really hot in here!" The other egg says: "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING EGG!"
The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
What's a ginger's favorite drink? Ginger ale!
When you wish upon a star Makes no difference who you are It's a ball of gas and fire It can't hear you.
I just recently became a vegetarian. I quit meat cold tofu.
What did one octopus say to the other octopus? Will you hold my hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that's a lot of weed.
Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter? Because it's a catastrophe :-) Yeah, ok, I'll be going now. EDIT: removed explanation.
For people who say "nothing is impossible", that's crazy. I've been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Donald Trump walks into an elevator... and a gorgeous woman is inside and says, "When the doors close, I could drop to my knees and blow you." Trump replies, "And what's in it for me?"
Why was the Energizer Bunny in court? Because it was charged with battery.
Every time I see my grandad he tells me the same joke. Grandad - How's Harry? Me - Harry Who? Grandad - I'm fine thanks, how are you?
*goes to the gym* *takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see* *hurries to the bar*
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
What did the math major say to himself when he discovered that he was no longer a sapling? Gee, I'm a tree.
What's the best way to organize your cakes, muffins, and hamburger buns? Alphabreadically!
It took America two days to create "anti-WikiLeaks legislation", yet, proper regulation of the financial sector, for example, is awol.
You're so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.
Autocorrect just changed my kissy face emoji to "stop it you're 37" then powered down my phone.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs* "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." *Asteroid crushes Earth* "Dammit Dad."
There was an inflation joke on reddit once It blew up
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. They hold the bulb and expect the world to revolve around them. Edit: missed the y in they Thanks u/HapaHeather
Guy walks into a gym He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women. The manager points to the ATM. Edit:formatting
Father's day is coming up in the UK... ...I better go find one
If I ever wake up on Christmas Day and there's a Mercedes outside with a giant ribbon on it, I'm gonna assume it has an ignition bomb
Maths Teacher Was Teaching Mathematical Conversions.... Teacher-If 1000 Kgs= Ton. Then! For 3000 Kgs =How Much? Student - Ton!Ton!Ton!
What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? One's a bottom-dwelling, muck-sucker and the other is a fish.
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman? Their criminal record.
The tattoos in your shirtless avi say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.
What's the fastest way to become a general in the Rebel Alliance? Leia Princess!
You know what really gets my goat? The Chupacabra.
What did one pancake say to the others as it was tossed off the griddle into the air? See you on the flip side.
Hellen of troy, the face that launched a thousand ships... ...And the ass that docked them.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kim Jong has a short one, Mickey Mouse's isn't human, the Pope doesn't use his, and Cher doesn't have one. What is it? Last Names
"I'd like to raise a toast." *Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
FUNNY SEX JOKES ;) Do you like dragons? Because i'll be dragon my balls all over your face
So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called "Ain't nobody's business." Well, I just  wrote my own song called, "Ain't Nobody Cares!"
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY "PYTHON PROGRAMMER"
Why aren't cowboys circumcised? So they have somewhere to put their dip at lunch
If that's his reaction to spinach, Popeye should never try cocaine.
Just realized I've been misquoting George Orwell since 1985.
Can you show me how to use the Internet? I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in  circles.
How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His senentences start with "A woman once told me.."
Pupil: In other schools pupils get a  choice of computers to use. Teacher: You get a choice her too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.
My brother's pretty good at Russian Roulette... He's only lost once.
I told my girlfriend she should work at UPS She's good at handling packages
Don't click this!!! Ahahaahahaha! Gotcha!! :P
What type of doctor did Batman visit after Bane broke his back? A Chiroptopracter.
I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I'd need to do is kill the boss.
What is it called when Albert Einstein masturbates? A stroke of genius.
After a number of meetings and discussions, a blonde 18-year-old was dismissed from FFA, the Future Farmers of America group. She couldn't keep her calves together.
What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it man.
"Alcohol is just water with feelings in it," said the girl who failed chemistry.
Why did the man cry when he was cutting up onions? "Onions" was his dog... D:
Two kinds of lairs when it comes to masturbation ... Those that say they never have ... ...And those that say they quit .
A rich guy walks by.. When someone asks,"What's that smell?" The man turns around and says,"I'm sorry, it must be my Elon Musk."
Would you blow him?
I was going to say a gay joke... butt fuck it.
On your mark, get set, go f*ck yourself.
I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma it's tough sometimes, but I'm doing asbestos I can.
What did the balding thief say in the wig store? Toupee or not toupee
Why didn't the coffee and the tea get along? Because they were being "brewed"
I used olive oil for sex last night. Popeye was furious when he found out.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
What did the King say to the pawn shop owner you are my pawn go fight for me but in a line no moving around.
How cats and dogs think Dog: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God. Cat: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God.
So sick of all the time travel jokes next week.
Clothes are just, human shaped blankets.
How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the parachute? When the leash goes slack.
i'm selfie-employed. yes sir i'll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Do you know what really burns my ass? A flame about 3 feet high.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Dating tip: Don't do it, a disturbingly high percentage of people are actually flesh eating insects in human suits. Just stay home instead.
Why are bass guitarists always standing at the front door? Because they don't know when to come in.
Two Police officers. Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says: "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza can have ham and cheese together.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.
A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet... he got lost at C
What's the difference between a dog and your best friend? The dog doesn't fuck your wife and walk the house in your robe
Funny and strange video
Who can make six figures a year and still be poor? A toy builder.
Why did the lion get lost? Cos jungle is massive.
Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook not everyone wants to see you happy.
Believing that you are popular or "famous" on twitter... ...is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven't changed, just like she asked.
Contrary to obvious physics, you can't attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.
Italian wedding invitation , 2 D wedding Rosa Mr .
I had a dream I was completely weightless... I was like... 0mg!
My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition. She didn't miss a beet.
Why were the Native Americans in America before us? They had reservations.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
I call my kettle Jim Carey, because it brews-all-my-tea.
I hope one day to be dating a moderator from /r/jokes... Everything is long from their point of view!!
In a hurry? I'll tell you a joke about my penis. It's short.
Are you impulsive? Think about it
what did my sperm get for easter? an egg hunt!
How do we know that deer are stupid... ...and not just *really* suicidal?
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
I get jealous over the little stuff... Why? Because we started out doing that "little stuff"..
What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky? A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.
*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone* SKELETON: you cant...it's not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media
why do they put gates around a graveyard? Because people are dying to get in
I heard they are remaking Luke's starfighter group with 25% black pilots... They're calling it Rogue Quadroon.
Cerebral palsy It's the thinkin man's palsy
Why did Sally the stripper stop dating the guitar player? He kept trying to tune her G string.
Why did the black boy fall off his bike? He didn't. He fell off your bike.
Conjunctivitis.com... "Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes" - A Tim Vine joke, just thought I'd share.
Did you head about the rabbi who only drank lemonade? He's an acidic Jew....
Every since my Grandma discovered Netflix she's been calling me w/ suggestions like "ok write this down, it's called Friends, F-R-I-E-....."
What did the Mexican firefighter call his son?? Jose
My husband hits me whenever I tell a joke. He doesn't strike me as the funny type.
I didn't see you at the camouflage competition private. "THANK YOU, SIR"
I hurt my foot the other day. My heel can't support any weight. But I haven't got to see a doctor yet. I'm just tiptoeing around the issue.
Were you born on Highway 22? Because I heard alot of accidents happened there.
It's eating disorder awareness week and they're selling t shirts for charity They only carry x-smalls.
I went camping in the snow. As the snow melted, water leaked in. It was the winter of my discount tent.
If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in a bedroom what do you have? A very large bedroom.
What do you call a very smart glass of lemonade that is gay? A homo-genius mixture
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell.
NSFW. What do you call a starving Kenyan child in the desert Nobody really cares.
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks.
What does the NFL season and the national anthem have in common? Kaepernick is gonna sit through them both.
What does a Stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work? She drops him off at band practice.
What's a thimble? By definithion, thomething that represenths or thtands for thomething elth. Thymbolithm, y'know.
Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech praising non-violence in India surprised everyone when they pelted him with several thousand flatbreads.
What is the last step in manufacturing Tickle-Me-Elmo's before packaging and shipping to stores? Give it two test-tickles.
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!
hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*checks box* oh, Synonym Toast Crunch
I let people know that I'm no weirdo. I say "I'm no weirdo!" From that point forward, it's just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Two atoms are in a bar, Two atoms are in a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive."
How do you kill a black widow? You take away her food stamps.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed space.
What do a homeless woman and an American football player have in common? They both take their pads off after four periods
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist
*catcher puts 1 finger down* *pitcher shakes head* *puts 2 fingers down* *nods* (catcher to umpire) "can we take a break? he has to poop"
My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I could build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Damn! I'm still writing Slovakia on my Czechs!
Sometimes in the shower I pretend like I'm a bumblebee and just crash into the curtain a few times and die in the water.
I once went five years without having sex then I turned six and my uncle raped me
If you don't have a condom, put a stone in your shoe.. ...it'll make you limp.
He's as sharp as a bowling ball.
A Canadian walks into a bar, steps back, apologizes to the bar, and walks away.
Have you heard of the movie called constipation? No? Because it has not come out yet
I'm not a fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.
What do you call a bull masturbating? Beef stroganoff
If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?
"It's no biggie" I can't tell if they are trying to make me feel better or insulting my manhood on the first date.
Apple products of late is a crime against good design The iPhone battery case should be charged as an accessory
What do you call an insane nocturnal blood-sucking parasite? A lunartick.
Do they really serve burgers in Transylvania? Very rare-ly.
Date: "So, what do you want to be?" Me: "Impressed."
Why is light beer similar to sex in a boat? They're both fucking close to water.
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck! Ha ha!
Why are all black people scared of sleeping? 'Cause one had a dream, and he died.
My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
what does the Jewish pedophile say to an elementary school kid? Hey kid, want to buy some candy?
Every time I glue uncooked pasta together, a macaroni angel gets its wings.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? This change'll be fantastic. It'll be great. You won't believe how great this change will be.
BLONDE ALE Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Cry Baby - by Liza Weeping
Not having any friends means I'm always the pretty one.
I need help I've spent every waking moment of this year browsing reddit
What is heavy forwards but not backwards? A ton.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
Sure, Sally, I'll just buy one of your shells BY THE SEA SHORE. Oh, wait, here's one just laying here, you skank.
If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).
How do you move a 2000 lb dinosaur? Don't know?? Use DINO-MITE
I used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters.
I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China... but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I start every argument off with "first of all..." like I'm really going to school them, but my second point is always just name calling.
Why don't OSHA inspectors watch porn? It's Not Safe For Work.
Which 20th century President's wife looked like she could have been LGBT? Eleanor Brucevelt.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I met a Wheelchair user yesterday. He's a stand up guy.
Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries In Teenage Girls... (REMOVED)
I made a commitment not to masturbate for the past four weeks... I didn't pull it off
Communism is awful. It's just common cents.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean
What language do pirates speak? Arrrrrrabic! A friend and I were extremely high and he thought of this.Good times.
Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS.
If 666 is the evil number Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.
"OOOOOH an email!" - me, every single fucking time I email myself
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It's almost like someone made the whole thing up.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Just been offered 8 legs of venison for $40 Is that too dear?
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentickles
A quick joke that my friend thought up over dinner Why do sailors marry busty women? To forever see the seven C's
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 or 2. Now 1... or 2.
How do you make a baby drink? You stick it in a blender.
A black guy walks into a police station.
Why should one masturbate while calling Comcast customer support? Because getting fucked in the asshole when you are not horny feels awful
And the award for best neckwear goes to... huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie
Girls who say bestie are the worstie.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Have you heard about the plant in the maths office? It is growing square roots!
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only a rapist would think the violation of a light socket by a foreign object is a matter to make jokes about.
Your psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.
What comes after 69? Mouthwash. I'm sure this has been posted before, but I thought it was funny.
whats the most popular drink at a nude beach? Sunny D
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Get me a cold one." The bartender gives him my girlfriend.
Whats the fastest way to a women's heart? A Knife
Organised a threesome last night There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
Where does a redditor's slutty girlfriend hide her other boyfriend? Idaho.
How is an elephant like a wristwatch? They both come in quartz.
Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.
I went to the Reddit tennis tournament. All the servers were busy.
Everybody on Earth must be ''literate''... because nobody ever uses the trash cans anymore :/
What were people doing during the last ice age? Chillin.
Why is it easy for gays to escape a fire? Because their shit is already packed.
What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter. No matter how many feminists there are, they can't change anything. Source: a friend
I hope you like double meat, because Putin is about to go HAM on Turkey
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the Basketball team? Cause she ran away from the ball
It's so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don't accept your friend request.
My friend got hired at a dildo factory He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"
What did the cow do when the farmer was about to hit him? He mooved
speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language? American
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles.... But at least they drive slowly past schools
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best mate. They're both cauldron.
I like my Thanksgiving turkey like I like my own ass On the dining room table, with my family gathered round, and with my grandmum's fists in it pulling out the stuffing.
Why is "Z" afraid of all of the other letters? Because they're Not-Z's (*Nazis*)
The time machine of tomorrow. Today.
Two muffins are in a oven... the first muffin says, "damn it's hot in here.", the second one says, "holy crap a talking muffin!"
Here comes my big moment... MOMENT.
Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap. There were a lot of casual tees.
Yeah, so, I don't usually argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.....
Why did the guy have Ben Franklin tattooed on his dick? His girlfriend was great at blowing 100 bucks.
Cows How does a farmer count cows? On a cowculater :D:D (ya its crap)
Ever read Hitler's 2nd book? It was called Mein Bad.
Texas - A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serving a prison sentence. He gave the court a check--a forged check. He was sentenced to ten years.
Guys, please don't judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.
A family is at the table eating dinner. "I don't like Grandpa" said the boy to his Mom. "That's okay honey, just finish your potatoes instead." She replied.
The company that makes the Opera browser have asked Sir Patrick Stewart to redesign their logo They want him to make its O.
I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent. Now he'll never have any friends.
The best things in life are free. JK, they're carbs.
I had a break up with my clone the other day... I was being sincere by saying, Its not you, its me.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. "Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to see a doctor."
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate the Pizza before it was cool.
Girls of Reddit what do you like in a man Lol we all know girls don't do the "Internet".
What's Jesus's porn name? Hot cross buns.
Moon Landing conspiracy theorists should be called Luna-tics Just posting here because r/showerthoughts doesn't allow puns.
How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants
Wife :'Darling, look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits.' Hubby : It's a scarf!
A man walked into a bar... don't worry...he was fine he just had a minor bump on his head.
You can always tell a guy masturbates a lot, by his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.
FUN FACT: All kitties share a common ancestor, whose name was "Snickerboots Fancybasket."
Popcorn. Potato. Frozen Pizza. Cold Coffee. James Incandenza. Defrost. Refrost. Cancer. Corn. ""Aren't these weird microwave buttons?
Life is like a penis, loose and hanging freely. Until a woman comes along and makes it hard.
What do you get when you intersect two planes? A national travesty.
National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.
Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail? Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.
How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can  see Mt Ranier it's going to rain. If not it already is.
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
What's the difference between a McDonald's and anal? McDonald's makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.
What does a vegan zombie eat? GGGRRRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty to the charge of premeditated murder Frankly I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.
Why are airplane crashes in the ocean so visible? They're plane to sea
I hope I can kill my feelings before my liver.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
PMS jokes are not funny... Period.
It ain't harassment if... Her ass meant to be slapped
It's hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Fisherman: What are you fishing for sonny?  Boy: I'm not fishing I'm drowning worms.
does anyone know a knock knock joke that's actually funny? most of the ones i have heard are not funny at all.
What's the difference between a smart midget... What's the difference between a smart midget and a woman with a venereal disease? Well, one's a cunning runt...
I've been taking something for my Kleptomania. I've been taking something for my Kleptomania
How to do math with sex. You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply!
Nothing makes me more proud of my son's sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
When i was young my mom used to put food on the spoon.. and sing "train is coming, train is coming"... I'd always eat cause i knew if i didn't, she wouldn't untie me from the railway line.
Why cant billy ride the swings? he has no arms. knock knock. Whos there? Not billy
I like my women like I like my coffee... Silent.
A kiss makes my day. Anal makes my whole week.
Home is anyplace where you don't have to wear pants.
"Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?" "Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time." "Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns."
Why was the bodybuilder arrested at the elementary school? Because it was a gun-free zone
Wow, it's a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen* ~ Developers
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to screw in the light bulb, two to make a documentary about it.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces.. For example, I'm going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed.
My dick was in the Guinness Book of Records! ...but then I got kicked out of the library.
A Gnome and A Reindeer take a picture together What is it called when a gnome and a reindeer take an instant picture of themselves - A S-ELF-IE POLE-ROID
What happened when Hitler lost his glasses? He could Nazi.
What do you call an Asian woman with a leg shorter than the other? Irene
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put in the wrong pair of socks this morning.
What is the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.
What did OJ say to Nicole just before he killed her? *Your waiter will be with you in a moment, ma'am*. (was reading an OJ post in another sub and remembered this one.)
lovely joke Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Throw shit at a person, you are their enemy. Throw shit at a plant, you are their hero. source: r/Showerthoughts/
I do my best speed walking when I'm trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
"GIMME AN E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ..." - Cheerleader who loves ecstasy
It's impossible to think about uptown funk without getting it stuck in your head... Don't believe me? Just watch!
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone's looking for a sugar mama.
What was the most pivotal point in Jesus' ministry? When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
eer booze and fun!' 'Twenty-four hours in a day... twenty-four beers in a case... coincidence?
I'm dying, call me an Ambulance. Dad: Okay Dying, you're an ambulance.
I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said "open cap and push up bottom". Now I can't walk but my farts smell awesome.
Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don't like like the internet.
Is your last name Stilton? *insert cheesy pickup line here...*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I used to do the "hokey pokey"... But I turned myself around.
3 middle aged men walk into a notary office. Half life 3 confirmed.
When I smacked Dwayne Johnson's ass... I really hit Rock bottom.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude? Me: just my cat *dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out* Mom: why are you using drugs???
What do the films 'Titanic' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common? Icy dead people.
Why does Peter Pan Fly? Because he Neverlands.
ARTEMIS: No man shall boast he has seen Artemis bathe! *turns Acton into a stag* [Artemis nudes go viral, 2.2M viewers turn into stags]
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
If you're looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I'd suggest 2006.
All I want from life is to be able to respond "crystal" when someone angrily asks me if they've made themselves clear.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? Yeah, he got the cold shoulder.
The Bartender says, we don't serve time-travelers here! A time traveler walks into a bar.
It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring. *turns around* *grabs one of his crayons* *slowly breaks it* *whispers "you're next"*
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Religion is a multi-billion dollar industry and those benefiting financially from it will do everything in their power to keep the con going.
Just ate a bunch of confetti... Now I'm a party pooper.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped.
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority? Because they hate Dick's
Dear keyboard, They may touch you, but they can't take their eyes off of me. Sincerely, monitor.
What terrorist group have the most cold blooded killers. ICES ASSASINS... (isis pun)..
I never knew how smart Dolphins were... They are so smart that after only a few weeks of captivity they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish
I got tasered by a female cop the other night.. never have I laid eyes upon a more stunning beauty.
Why did the skeleton's dick float? because he had a hollow weenie.
God: u can ask me 1 question me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop God: [later] devil: welcome to hell
It's scary living in Massachusetts... Every time I watch the news I hear about Mass shootings.
Face down, ass up, that's the way babies often sleep. Adorable!
What's ten inches long and white? Not a damn thing! I thought it was time we had some racist jokes towards someone who isn't black for once ;D
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
What's the ultimate rejection? When you masturbate and your hand falls asleep.
What do you call Dracula when he goes swimming? Aqua-Vlad
Why was Mr. Behaving sad? His daughter was always Ms. Behaving.
Seagull joke Q: What do you call a seagull that knows martial arts? A: Steven Seagull
[Dark] What is black on the bottom and white on top? Society.
Who hosts the Late Night Show in North Korea? Jimmy Kim-il
My work day - 8:00-11:30 - wonder what I'll eat for lunch today 11:30 - 12:00 - eat lunch 12:00 - 4:30 - Damn lunch was good.
Date tip: buy a calendar
I owe my life to Nickelback I got in a horrible car crash and was in 6 month coma. Then the nurse switched the song to Nickelback. I woke up and muted it.
I just saw a guy with no legs. I told him all about my recent stubbed toe. I hope it made him feel better about the whole no legs thing.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Did I tell you about my old girl friend with only one leg? Unfortunately we broke up. Turns out she leans both ways.
I am a recovering redneck. It's been three weeks since I dry humped a cousin.
Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs? They wanted to thyme travel!
Me: Can you believe that after all that crap they're still together!?! Friend: Who ? Me: My butt-cheeks
What is a nitrate? It is much cheaper than a day rate.
Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
My mum says I don't know anything about colourless gases. But ammonia little boy.
I heard Christians only count 1 through 9. I wonder what happens if they say 10?
Hey Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job.
Nothing says "I'm single" like a string cheese wrapper in the bathroom trash can.
She said I have a face only a mother could love. I said "that's not very nice, mom."
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents felt.
My stats teachet said I was just average What a mean thing to say
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting. Until you realize you live alone.
Where's Finnick? Odair he is! Obligatory: My brother told this to me while watching Mockingjay P2.
I asked my Grandfather what it's like to have Alzheimer's. He stared blankly at me as he no longer remembers any of his family members or how to construct sentences.
Scientists have discovered secret of infinite electric pover... ... - a generator without 'Turn off' button.
I'm not excel-ent in my job but at least .. I know my sheet.
One step forward for cancer research, two steps back for women getting men to go down on them. Thanks, Michael Douglas
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember...HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If your Polly wants a cracker, he's a white supremacist
"Let's blast some Jack Johnson and call each other Broseph and dump our girlfriends with a text." -Dudes who wear salmon colored jean shorts
Made a cool logo for /r/jokes Ya like it ? 
Why do gay men have good fashion sense? Because of all the time they spent in the closet
Did you know Elvis used to have a boat called the "Jailhouse"? That fucking thing rocked.
Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
Why are spectators so happy with their jobs? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you're irritating the shit out of me.
Me: "...american cheese, toasted." Her: "What kind of cheese?" Me: "American..." Her: "Want it toasted?" Me: "I'll just make it myself."
How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
The mathematician worked from home, Because he only functioned in his domain.
What did the Dalai Llama play on stage at Glastonbury? Yakmanninov
Dear Egyptians, please chill the fuck out while we consult our groundhog for advice.
Been waiting at the bar for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake!!!!!
humer why do squirrels swim on their backs???? To keep their nuts dry!
If loving copies is wrong, I don't want to be copyright.
We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy He has a strong Taipei personality
i got complimented on my driving earlier they left a note on the car saying parking fine
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary.
Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
A scientific joke Q: Why are Curium, Helium, and Barium the medical elements? A: Because if you can't Curium or Helium them, you Barium!
Why are pirates good at singing? They have great hARRRmony. I'm sorry.
The only times I go for a jog is when there's a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (...and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine But Catscan
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can't just eat one
It's a good thing I keep condoms in my backpack because midterms have been fucking me all week
Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they're crying for a stable economy. YOU DON'T KNOW!
My lesbian friend gave a me a Rolex for my birthday. I don't think she understood when I said: "I wanna watch."
A taliban and his wife are getting ready to go to sleep at night... ...but before that, the taliban goes out to pee. He returns back all wet. "Is it raining outside?" "No, it's windy..."
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
My exes broke up with me because I'm a pot lover. I guess you can say they don't have high standards.
Why is E the only good letter? Because every other letter is not E!
What does the Alt-Right drink? White whine.
What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals? "2p or not 2p, that is the question."
I'm not sure how I can prove it, but I think I'm actually more stupid since joining Twitter...
Why do people carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas cant walk.
What did the zoo employee say to the big cat? "Why you always lion?"
How many dead babies, does it take to change a lightbulb? ...not 7, because it's still dark in my basement
It's cute to think of a nun saving up her nun allowance and then buying a cross or extra bible or something.
What do you call a Jewish stoner with Downs Syndrome? A twice baked potato
What does your mom and Pac-man have in common? She eats balls all day. WOKA WOKA WOKA WOKA!!!!!
A guy sees an Indian in a port-a-poty The guy asks how long he has been down there. The Indian responds, "Many a moon"
For some reason the Pope didn't... sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???
[JanSport keynote address] (audience grumbling) "where is he?" *CEO emerges from backpack on stage* *crowd goes nuts*
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was *in tents.*
Halo? more like..... GAYLO!!!!!!!
After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"
I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator. We speak to eachother on so many different levels.
"Do you love me, Mulla?" whispered the girl. "Of course I do," Mulla Nasrudin whispered back. "Will you marry me then?" she asked. "Let's not change the subject?" said Nasrudin.
Woman 1 - Your husband now comes home early. How has this happened? Woman 2 - I've simply told him sex will start exactly at 9 PM, with or without him.
Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal.
What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a hippopotamus? A lickalottapuss.
"Hey babe, you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."
OK - who knows their Soupy Sales lines? I'll give you the set-ups, you give us the lines.
All dogs go to heaven... But all snakes are athe-hissssssssssts
Say what you want about deaf people...
I must be baked Two muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin looked at the other muffin and said, "Hey man, is it getting hot in here?" And the other muffin said, "Ahhhhh! You can talk!"
What do you call 12 guys with big dicks? A hung jury
A really drunk guy... A really drunk guy gets into a taxi and says "Heeeyy cab guy, can I leave the pizza and the beer in the front seat?" "yeah no problem" -BHLUAGHH-
What's long and black? The unemployed line.
What do white people and fences have in common? They both get jumped by Mexicans.
A photo caption in the paper this am "Bertha the ostrich take a break." A break from what? Ostriching?
Where do birds meet for coffee ? In a nest-cafe !
My son is a man trapped in a woman's body he'll be born in February
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as "Meghen" like I lay eggs or some shit.
Why might Saturn's rings come loose? They're too close to Titan.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
What is a vampire's favorite sport?  Batminton.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black? *doctor sighs for like 3 mins* "Sir, its an ultrasound" *Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night and people kept calling me a pedophile, just because I'm 53 and she is 22... ...totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Losing your phone makes dying in a car accident less likely but more appealing.
Why can't R2D2 walk? Because he has MS-DOS
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it's really easy
"I feel like the fat kid in gym class on dodgeball day" - The End Piece of Bread
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
NSFW What's the hardest part of being a pedophile? It's hard to fit in
What did the horse say when he fell over? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."
What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."
Whenever someone says, "that's what she said", I like to reply with, "not to you"
What's the difference between a Scottish guy and Mick Jagger? One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" The other says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
Family tree Your family tree is a cactus, because everyone on it is a prick.
A man walks into a bar.. A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
What's the difference between Reddit and 4chan? One is a group of immature internet trolls....and the other thinks it isn't.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, "your baby jumped out!" before she gave me the finger.
nsfw Why did the gay have sex with the lesbian? To get back at her girlfriend.
What do you say to piss off a british farmer? You're a peon.
I just ended a 5 year relationship I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship :P
What do you call a Norse god after a workout? Thor
What did the soldering iron say to the capacitor? Go flux yourself!
Did you hear about the terrorists who hijacked a plane of lawyers? They threatened to release one every hour til their demands were met.
If you get kissed by an alpaca it's not the end of the world. It's the alpaca-lips.
The insane really should be institutionalized. Trump for President
Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's?
How many times should you check whether a sentence is written in English or Spanish? Once.
*grammar police reads ransom note* "Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead" *grammar cop dies* "Damn, he had 2 days until retirement"
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Opened a can of Pillsbury rolls and was reminded of why I shouldn't wear skinny jeans.
Me: When does karaoke start? Him: Never. Me: But I put my "I ? Karaoke" t-shirt on. Him: We noticed. Me: This is the worst funeral ever.
I've never falsely accused someone of hacking, whether aimbotting, wall hacking, or speed hacking They were all just really good at hiding it!
How do you contact dead window cleaners? Use a squeegee board.
*hand grenades* *blow torch* *AK 47* *sulfuric acid* *ninja training* My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.
Coming this Christmas, an ageing misogynist and his quest to correct all women in his path. Hugh Grant stars in "Actually, Love".
Why did 6 wanna fuck 7? Cus 7 8 ass.
Why are vegetarians good in giving head? Because they are used to eating nuts!
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about suicide. The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
A Muslim, a black guy, a horse, a pirate, a gay, a chicken and a rabbi all walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
You Are What Your Eat I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
If the Pilgrims were alive today what would they be famous for? Their age!
I'm a completely chill dude. But you try to cook my baby son in the pizza oven you built in your backyard... we're gonna have problems.
What do you do with an epileptic lettuce? Make a seizure salad
What connects the computers in Sauron's office? A Tolkien Ring network.
Did you know women are fantastic at exactly 70 things? 69ers, and making sandwiches.
Told a homeless guy sorry I was saving to buy a house. He got mad and threw his cup of change at me, so now I'm... $3.75 closer to my dream!
A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
Some people should be dipped in vagisil Maybe then they wouldn't be such irritating cunts
One day a wife complained "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied "The darn clock always was slow."
Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.
What song did the gay guy sing on his way back from vacation in Thailand? Goodbye yellow dick road
Deactivated my FB. Before the final "submit", they show you pictures of "friends" that says "These people will miss you". Best laugh ever.
How many palindromes do I know of? Not a ton
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Confucius says... It is good to meet girl in park but BETTER to park meat in girl
The only B word you should ever call a woman is beautiful Bitches love being called beautiful
I felt sad when my girlfriend wouldn't reply to my emails I guess that was the point of no return
A teacher and the students Teacher: What does the chicken give you? Students: eggs! Teacher: What does the pig give you? Students: bacon! Teacher: What does the cow give you? Students: homework!
What side of the American flag are the stars on? Both sides. Came from my FIL on this Memorial Day.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you're asleep
They should call Jupiter JEWpiter Because its a gas planet.
Why can't Asian couples have a caucasian child? Because two wongs don't make a white.
Why didn't the Orange want to be eaten? Because he wasn't feeling appealing.
What do you call a Middle Eastern moving company? Pack-it-stan
A man is talking to his friend who has recently been diagnosed with cancer Not knowing what to say he awkwardly asks him "how's the cancer?" He replies "I dunno it's kinda growing on me"
Do you wanna know how to confuse a gay person? 7 ... It's a sign, you`re confused aren't you.
My doctor made me do a urine test for fun. It was a piss-take.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.
what do you call a feminist who loves to swallow? a semenist
So I know this guy who is addicted to brake fluid... He says he can stop anytime.
If I hold one moth ball in my right hand and another moth ball in my left, what do I have? A bloody big moth!
People always ask me why I quit my job as a can crusher... Well it was just soda-pressing!
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your moms throat!
1,3,7,9 Were murdered last night What are the odds of that happening?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let's check upsta-- GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that  almost caused a car accident? A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Why did the chicken cross the road? The first side smelled bad.
What do the ninja turtles say when bad guys ask them where they learnt to fight Master splinter tortoise
Why does putting a stone in a mans shoe make the best contraception. It will make him limp
Down in de islands, what do they call de dew in de morning? Daylight come!
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he's expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.
Headline: "American Pharoah Wins 1st Triple Crown Title Since 1978" That is one long-lived horse.
What do you call a French vacation? A retreat.
Why are men better swimmers than women they are part sperm
Why is British weather muslim? Because when it isn't sunni, it's utter shiite
Where's the best place to hide after committing a murder? Behind a badge.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past 2 years But no one will take the job
Duck Joke Q: Why did the duck go to jail? A: He was selling quack.
The difference between erotic and kinky: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
A man has an airtight bag of money He leaves it and comes back 10 years later. It is full of air. The son goes, "the rate of inflation has just skyrocketed the past few years"
my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.
What did the spanish teacher say to his one student, who was a member of the cartel? Where is my essay?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope's all quitty! - Nuns N' Moses (I'm so sorry)
DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery ME: Wtf why not? DAD: Because *locking eyes* they're still alive
What does the "LL" in LL Cool J stand for? Lickin Lips
Isaac Newton couldn't become a surgeon ... because blood is non-Newtonian!
911: Whats ur emergency? "OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-" 911: Ma'am, this is an emergency only service- "-of my sons mouth."
It's a real Challenger When I was first introduced to the Kerbal Space Program, my spaceship kept blowing up. I looked at my friend and said "Wow, this game is a real Challenger!" I am a bad person.
If superman were evil he'd be the man of steal
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!
I think my dog always follows me into the bathroom because I always follow her outside when she goes and she just thinks that's how it works
What do bees eat? Hum-burgers
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
Don't be that guy that tells people not to be that guy.
There's a TV channel where you can buy all the Pope's speeches It's called "Papal View".
A guy went to the doctor for his annual physical... Doctor says to him "you need to stop masturbating." Man says, "but why doc!?" Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination."
Did you hear about the Furry who started frequenting SomethingAwful? Hare today, Goon tomorrow!
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I once dated a girl who told me she had had sex with Mr. Peanut. She was fucking nuts.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.
If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
About tasty steaks. You knowing the art of making a steak is a rare medium well done.
I absolutely, unequivocally support any and all scientific efforts to create a real, working invisibility cloak. I just want to make myself crystal clear.
"Awww. There there." *pats you on the face. Hard
What's long and hard on a black guy? First grade.
My mom laughed at me when I told her I was making a car out of spaghetti... you should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
I have a joke about unemployed people But it won't work.
If you're not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
If only women knew that being happy with themselves is the most attractive quality they can ever offer.
I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end... But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they're judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
"Dad. Dad. DAD! Please just come home. You promised us you'd stop after Volume 46." - Creator of NOW! That's What I Call Music's children
What did the caterpillar say to the cocoon after he broke out? Moth.
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay." "Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah...that too," says Harry.
I have spent the past year looking for my ex's killer. but no one would do it.
"But... I can fix us!" the rocket scientist sobbed, as his wife picked up her suitcase. "Jim," she whispered. "This isn't rocket science."
Do you know what really gets my goat? El chupacabra
Why don't you see many chemists with master's degrees working with acids and bases? To really understand acids and bases, you need a pHd.
Shriek your Twitter name between songs at concerts and hope that it makes the live album.
How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle? He had *bean stalking* her.
Always remember these 2 words in your life which will open many doors to you. Push and pull.
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals? Felipe Flop!
Who are the most decent people in the hospital? The ultrasound people.!! lol
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck
A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee... That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...
Black Friday Matters!! No, all Fridays matter.
Why is it bad to have a strong American dollar? It's harder to break bills.
Why does the Catholic Church protect paedophiles? Because the last time they shunned a child molester, he started Islam.
Ignoring your text is easy. It's having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I'm not home when you drive by that's awkward.
I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV(RTV) and play nothing but music videos
Jurassic World was fantastic movie... In fact you could say, they "spared no expense"
We all have one ginger friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde".
Some people say I have my mom's eyes... but since they can't find them they've never been able to prove it in a court of law.
What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?... When ur done, u can drop her off anywhere.
What does Donald Trump call his penis? Little Marco
The Food Pyramid http://imgur.com/hugGqpi
How do you give a blonde two black eyes and a broken nose without touching her by waving your cock under a glass table
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Steamroller Barbie ...doll squashed flat
5-year-old: Why are we here? Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions
Jaime Lannister Is Officially Known As The "KingSlayer" And Unofficially known as the "QueenLayer"
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) "oh no my hot bod!"
My girlfriend asked me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... So I fucked her twice and slapped her
Kid just asked "why is it called 'flipping the bird'? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle." I can't even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My ex-girlfriend had eczema She had a cracking fanny.
When someone says "but i thought..." in defense Well, a guy thought that shit is a sugar so he shat into his cofee. How did that help him, hm? Props to my dad for this one.
The NFL was considering issuing small bats to referees to "knock" the balls to check for proper inflation during the Super Bowl... but then they realized that was queer.
What to hear something funny? Original Content
do the Simpsons know they're all dying of jaundice
Still waiting for what didn't kill me to make me strong.
A man walks into a chemists "Hi, I'd like some Viagra please" asks the man. "I'm sorry" says the Pharmacist. "You can't get that over the counter." "You can if you take enough." replies the man.
Involuntary Owl Knock knock. Who's there? Involuntary owl. Involuntary owl who?
How much does a dead elephant weigh? A skele**ton**.
I'm 28 years old, but in marriage years, I'm already dead.
I heard they're inventing a new kind of bed... ...but most of the theories I've heard are bunk.
"OMG IT'S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN!!!" - Drivers, apparently.
(starts to scramble eggs) "THESE YOLKS WON'T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!" (.0008 seconds later) "Oh, ok."
When i dont understand a joke I read on /r/Jokes I don't get it
What's the most beautiful thing in Advanced Physics? A passing grade. :)
I'm not gay.. I just like 9 inch black clits. Peckas.
How is credit like cocaine? Everyone just needs 1 more line.
What do you call an Irishman who slept out on the lawn all night? Patty-O`Furniture
The day I decided I wanted to do drugs Was the day I saw your crack
A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today... The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
What was the name of the film about a  killer lion that swam underwater ? 'Claws.'
I enjoy visiting countries where I don't speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding* Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What'd you call this again? Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I saw a sign today that said "tailor-made sandwiches" What the hell does a tailor know about making sandwiches?
M'eal *tips waiter*
What concert can you see for 45 cents? 50 cent, featuring Nickleback.
What's Brown and Sticky? A stick!
A terrorist Walks into a Pet store A terrorist walks into a pet store and shouts "Run away you only have 10 seconds before I blow this place up!" "You Bastard!" The Turtle says
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes out for milk and doesn't comeback.
How do you stop your dog from humping your leg? You suck his dick. How can you tell your dogs gay? His dick tastes like shit.
I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.
Two men walk into a bar... Two men walk into a bar. The first man says "I'll have H2O". The second man says " I'll have H2O too". The second man dies.
Joe: $400? For ONE night? Innkeeper: It's the honeymoon suite. [outside] Joe: No rooms. Mary: None? Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?
Why don't Dallas Cowboy fans take their wives to the football games? 'Cause they jump the fence and eat the grass.
What's E.T. Stand for? Extra testicle
So my dog told me it was into BDSM So I tied it up and turned on the vacuum cleaner
My mom always says "Alcohol is your enemy!" Jesus says, "Thou shalt love thy enemy."
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? *She ran away from the ball.*
Must be tough for an honest Nigerian businessman to make a living.
This guys car is stopped in the middle of the hwy with his flashers on. Probably thought of a really good tweet.
I still miss my ex-girlfriend occasionally Sometimes I'll get to my hiding spot outside her bedroom window just minutes after she's left
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I went to a blind fortune teller the other day She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.
My psychologist said that I am losing my mind, and I don't agree. I'd say that my mind is losing me.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We're all crying. It's awesome.
Is there some organization that evaluates the quality of shea butter? Because if so, it could have Fifty Grades of Shea.
Why was the mathematician stressed out? He was in a dilemma.
How much horsepower does a mustang have? 1
Why don't black people dream? The last black man to have a dream got shot.
There hasn't really been any natural disasters lately Even the mudslides have gone downhill.
I would love to give Rachel Riley a cream 3.14159265359
What do you call a fake noodle an impasta
J. J. Abrams wanted to make Luke's lightsaber red but it wasn't greenlighted.
Wife: I want to see some snow. Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight. Wife: I'd rather see snow.
What does a drama student do while stuck in math class? She Cos(plays)
Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.
I will never forget where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot. (8th grade history class)
I need help with what pencil to buy... 2B or not 2B? That is the question.
My girlfriend spends every night in town, going from bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.
RIP boiling water You will be mist. EDIT: AWESOME my gold cherry is gone!
What is the difference between San Francisco and Larkspur? Larkspur has a ferry terminal, San Francisco has terminal fairies.
What do you get when you cash in your memes for karma? A dank statement.
His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife... EDIT: Damn this blew up. Thanks guys!
Yo mama's so fat... ...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.
Dear Sir/Madam, Your transgender operation has been a partial success.
Why don't snakes like Vitamin C? Because it's an anti-hisstamine.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.
A joke about the mods [removed]
"No, Dad, Vampire Weekend is not like Shark Week..."
Mexicans cats are attacking my home! Looks like a "Gato raid"
Thomas Jefferson's dad's name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I'm so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[spelling bee] "your word is... death" can you use it in a sentence? "in most states, yes"
I just posted "How do I find answers using Google.com?" on Yahoo Answers. Stand by while the internet divides itself by zero.
I had to pay for a satellite dish But the salesman said it was on the house.
Still haven't forgiven my parents for not being rich.
A Freudian slip.. is when you say one thing but you mean a mother.
Why does Superman have to wait until tomorrow to fight gang violence in LA? He can't face the Crips tonight.
*rises out of neighbor's hot tub* I'd like to talk to you guys about home alarm systems...
Ugh, I just spilled red wine all over the inside of my tummy.
Me: this is shit, I'm changing the channel Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My wife told me her bra and boobs aren't getting along... ... they had a falling out. ^^^^^^^I'll ^^^^^^^leave ^^^^^^^now...
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Why does repost always get to the top?... Most people reddit before
What did the jack say to the car? "Can I give you a lift?"
My dad doesn't see why he should pay a mechanic to rotate his tires. He says they're rotating the entire time he's driving!
A guy walks into the doctors office... ...and says I'm having trouble making friends you fucking prick
Sarah McLachlan should do a commercial but instead of homeless pets in cages, people in cubicles.
How do you help a sick ghost feel better? Give it a BOO-quet of flowers!
Awful chat-up line: "Did your mother have zika virus?" Because I like a little head
If I can't pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as "bro."
I had reconstructive bone surgery It wasn't Humerus
INTERVIEWER: what's your greatest strength? ME: I'm good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Who invented cereals? Chris P.
the chipotle guy who never charges me extra for guacamole even though there's a big G on the foil. what are we?
Abortion - it really brings out the child in you. Anyone got any similar puns? Also: - 9/11 jokes are just plane rude.
I taught my parents something today... ...I guess they learned from their mistake
So a seal Walks into a club.. *Rim shot*
How do you know you are at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit
I'm not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone's house and just started eating their breakfast.
My penis is nicknamed "The Titanic"... "Because it's so big?" "No,because it is a tragedy."
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling "Ta-da!" so he won't get in trouble. Stealing it.
Nobody in America dies as a virgin... because our government fucks us all.
Why can't the Americans play chess? Because they're missing two towers.
Happy fathers day... ... you motherfucker
Why did the fish monger cross the road? Just for the halibut.
If you're a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Its terrible how so few black people get nominated for an Oscar It's so sad they're not as talented as white people.
It's been a tough year for gluten farmers.
Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Why aren't there any B batteries? Because people might think you have a stutter.
Sadly, the lifeguard couldn't save the hippie from drowning He was too far out
Why was the old Jewish woman afraid her chauffeur got her pregnant? Because they schlepped together.
A joke I made up when I was high: Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face? Because they're always footing the bill.
I'll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Huz and kids want to go to waffle house for breakfast but I didn't even remember to pack our bullet proof vests.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
You have to chose between your SO and one million dollars. What is the first thing you would buy?
I was planning on taking my little girls to the start of summer village fair today, but its raining, windy and cold so we decided not to go. May weather won.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.
[first date] I'm sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous "That's okay" Yeah.... *jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I don't know what I would do if I got to Greece... ...and couldn't get a single gyro.
The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the cliff? Nothing, she had her mittens on.
I just killed a man and his death is everywhere! (Ate a piece of toast and made some crumbs, dramatized for your entertainment *bow*)
Why does Kanye West need a billion dollars for ideas? Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a kite.
*thinks happy thoughts* *throws pixie dust in your eyes* *flies off with all your money*
How are America and McDonald's similar? They are both run by red-headed clowns.
Three blondes walk into a bar You would have thought that one of them would see it.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am. I'm not that much of a mourning person.
I'm so horny... ..even the crack of dawn looks good.
These people are screaming like they've never seen pompoms on an axe before.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span ME: that's hard to believe DOCTOR: are you checking your phone? ME: what?
Who do you pat with encouragement when they fail to work? A Remote control
"You take pills because you're crazy" "No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don't take pills"
To a necrophiliac, what is the only thing better than a human-sized refrigerator? A human-sized microwave.
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings poking me in the ribs and cackling telling me "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Mike Tyson wanted me to add him online But I couldn't find him on faithbook.com
So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend's friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.
I went to this zoo the other day, but there was only one dog inside. It was a shitzu.
What's the fastest thing in Bulgaria? Light
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it's bracelets.
Where do pencils go for vacation? Pencil-vania.
I won't sit back and let gay people marry. But I'll let big oil melt the icecaps because I believe in a lil' something called freedom. #tcot
You can tell a lot about a woman from her shoes If they're behind her ears, she likes you
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. They'll just beat the room for being black
What do you call a fly with no wings a walk
Why did Katie Holmes get rid of her fancy car? She got tired of all that Cruise control.
What do you get if you cross a giant hairy monster with a penguin? I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
Laurie got offended just because I used the word "puke" But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
I won't get a girl pregnant because I only have sex at night, when my sperm is asleep.
How many moths does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but more can join in if there's room in the lightbulb.
Buried Knife Found at O.J.'s Estate Proof that black knives matter?
[1st date] So, what's your back story? "I have scoliosis" No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history "Oh! I got scoliosis as a child"
For logic-based beings. !!... Who's there? Same as before.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, glass ceilings don't have light bulbs.
NOBAMA I've been seeing a lot of these "NOBAMA" stickers recently and I find that I have to agree. I hate the crimson tide too.
Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you're also white.
What is the microbe's favorite country singer? (Original) Amoeba Mcentire
If your idea of a nightcap is passing out drunk on the toilet with a fifth in your hand, we could probably hang out.
How do three gay guys sit on a stool? Flip it upside down.
LPT: Be thorough with everything you do and you'll struggle not to succeed!
[sinking ship] CAPTAIN: dammit RAT: i'm leaving CAPTAIN: i'm staying CAPTAIN'S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i'm excited to see how this plays out
What is a proper greeting when you're introduced to Christina Hendricks? Nice to meet you both.
Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card?? Me: Beats me *pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed
How do you keep a homo in suspense? I'll tell you in the morning.
LPT: Think content you are looking for has been removed from the internet? Just ask the NSA, They always keep backups!
How come the steel clad soldiers from the Ming Dynasty lost to the Knights of Eastern Europe? They had a chink in their armor.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fcuked.
When your telling a joke But you punch up the fuckline
Sorry a lot of sand came out of my sleeve when I shook your hand; I went to the beach six years ago.
What is the best thing about having sex with twenty-five year olds? There's twenty of them.
What did the Orthopedist Comedian Magician say to his patient? "For my next trick, i'll tickle your funny bone"
Addicted Three years ago I got addicted to soap. But now I'm clean.
[Meeting] CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we- BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Whats red, white, and hangs from a telephone pole? A dead baby shot out of a snowblower.
Sometimes I feel bad for thugs when I realize they can't enjoy a cup of hot cocoa with a bunch of marshmallows without risking street cred.
TIFU by being a loner Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
Why did the vampire take up acting? It was in his blood.
There was a sixth Spice Girl named Pumpkin Spice but she only sang about Uggs and Instagram.
lol so good https://soundcloud.com/yung-palmtree
I bet people who see Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwich freak out over latte art.
Jared Fogle got 15 years 8 months. But officer, she told me she was 18!
I was looking in the mirror this morning and noticed a tiny bald patch on the top of my head. It appeared out of thin hair.
Please don't be curly Please don't be curly Please don't be curly I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
It sucks that Mary and Joseph couldn't get a room at an inn..... but what were they expecting not having a reservation on Christmas Eve of all nights!
Why is there no Windows 9 ? Because Windows 7 8 9.
What grazes in the Higgs Field? The Higgs Bison!
I can't have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Sometimes I tell my And I laugh at them.
"Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again." (my brain)
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The "head" nurse.
So Kanye had another kid... He named it Wild Wild
Why are all these jokes about unhappy relationships? Said my wife as she looked over my shoulder. What a nosy fucking bitch.
2 guys walk into a bar... The one who ducked was never a Pokemon fan.
Industrial robots How do industrial robots communicate with humans? They use a conveyor belt.
My ex said he would die for me. All I'm saying is, it was his suggestion.
Why did the Muslim CEO dislike the cartoon of Muhammad? Because it wasn't prophet maximizing.
Why am I still hearing noises from the class? Because you still have ears, teacher.
A neutron walks into a bar... A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much it is. The bartender says "We don't charge your type here!"
What's the resemblence between politics and sex? It can be in whatever position they choose, but regardless there's still just gonna be a dick going in there, and you're still getting fucked.
I really wish my boss would fall for the "but all my friends are allowed to be late to work" excuse.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer? A full bull!
What is black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee.
What type of animal browses Reddit? Karma-vore
What did the bacon say to the sandwich? This club can't even handle me right now
I came very close to death last night. I had a wank in a graveyard.
I live a Sinatra lifestyle. I'm just being frank with you.
Bono and The Edge walks into a bar. The barman says "Oh God, not U2 again."
They tried to combine a networked hard drive with a device that brewed drinks... It was NAS-tea
How do you greet a gay Hispanic?  Homo Estas!
Why do old Jews watch pornos backwards? They like to see the hookers give the money back''''
Hard to concentrate on work with Arbor Day so close.
Quick Joke # 3 Husband is praying before going to bed... Wife: What are you praying for? Husband: For guidance. Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!!
Have you ever heard about that joke you can't tell to gay people?
I want to make an alligator joke... But I'm afraid I'll get carried away.
I always tell my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I think my friend Ben has a bad reputation. Every time I tell someone that me and my other buddy are friends with Ben Ofitz, they give me a strange look.
The #1 Killer of cats aged 14+ is feline AIDS. However, the #1 Killer of people aged 60+ is.... Hearing AIDS.
The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.
Cashier: Need to see some ID Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey? Cashier: Yup Me: Ok, here you go then
Friends are like snowflakes If you pee on them, they disappear.
what type of music does a balloon hate? Pop music
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery] "They said no I couldn't have any money" Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
What's blue and doesn't weigh much? Light blue
What do Russians call their sexual partners? Cumrades
My favorite part of Avatar was when Queen Amidala defeated the Klingons by helping Harry Potter & Legolas destroy the White Witch's ring?
CW: I think you're two-faced Me: Why don't you say that to my face CW: I just did! Me: No. My other face.
What do you call a deep-sea diving dog? Scuba - Doo!
You know at first, I didn't like the mold I found on my skin. But then it started to grow on me.
I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer, because I've seen her google my name. I'm certain I saw it on my telescope last night.
Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Have you ever met a vegan that does crossfit? Oh you'd know if you had.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never had a lentil on my face
"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son. "Why can't we have something normal for dinner?" He said
What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis!
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a **shitzhu**.
[Blackstreet Bakery] Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] "I love the way you work it" Baker: "No diggity?" Me: "Baguette up."
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Yeah, neither have they.
This guy goes to the Olympics and sees a guy carrying a long pole. He asks - Are you a pole vaulter? Guy replies - No I'm German, and my name is Hans.
Why is it both a good idea and bad idea to hire a Logophobe as an editor? - .... . -.-- / .- .-. . / .- .-.. .-- .- -.-- ... / .--. ..- -. -.-. - ..- .- .-.. .-.-.-
Why do orthodox rabbis like lemonade so much? Because, it's acidic juice.
When I'm in a bathroom stall, please don't yell "Oh my God oh my God there's a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
what's wrong with pi? He is irrational and goes on and on - says the wife of pi
So I was fucking my daughter last night... when my wife walked in. I don't know what she was more surprised by: the fact that I was fucking our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep it.
What do you say to a broken Xbox One? Nothing, you already said it twice.
Whenever people say "anything is possible", I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Let me tell you a pizza joke... Nevermind it's too cheesy
Why did Steve Jobs decline chemotherapy? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Mike: I'm really glad I wasn't born in France. Jim: Why? Mike: I can't speak French.
Two muffins are in the oven... One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here!" the other muffin yells "OMG A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Were Trump to propose a ban on Abortions... he could easily modify his slogan to "Make America Late Again"
Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust... Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming: "I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"
What is red, slimy and crawls up your leg? An abortion with home sickness.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles
Why are men better cooks? They only need 2 eggs n 1 sausage to keep a girl full for 9 months
My uncle died on 9/11 Those buildings can come out of nowhere.
u think u had a bad day? smh think about the tree that just got cut down to make flyers for the next nickelback concert
Me and my GF split...she sais " You never listen...." Or something like that.......
down vote this do it
Other uses for chloroform 1) A great conversational piece when talking to the cops about using it 2) Make the day go by faster 3) And finally, as a reagent.
What does a mathematicion find in a forest? A natural log.
Someone stole my mood ring. I dont know how i feel about that.
i have come to the conclusion that Google must be female, as she has the answer to everything!
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I dunno, but you should see that son of a bitch hang dry wall.
wife: You're home early me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Do you have any motivational books? Yeah, they're in the back. (long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
They released a new study on marriage It's the number one cause of divorce
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer. Me: I think you're too cute to be a boxer. 5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. If I put my ear on it I can smell the sea.
What are the 2 most important holes in the female body? No, you f**king pervert. It's her nostrils. How else could she breathe while giving you a blowjob?
[at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don't have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying
What do bullets and I have in common? We don't miss Harambe.
Today I heard a critical speech about masturbation It was very touching, to say the least
Jimmy Savile was once captured by the Scooby-Doo gang He would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for meddlin' those kids!
Why are most runners single? At best they're ASICS.
Who was the best actor in the bible  ? Samson he brought the house down !
Which doctors suffer the highest rates of depression and suicide? Dentists. They are down in the mouth all day.
(alternate) My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house To kill the hallucinations I said She laughed. I laughed The toaster laughed I shot the dog
What is a chemist's favorite brand of shoes? Vans of der Waals
I stopped using Hotmail, it's not for me. I'd rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.
A joke about a hangman's noose... You probably thought it's knot funny, but there's a twist at the end.
If I ever met the man who came up with the idea of lobotomies, I'd give him a piece of my mind.
Who is the oldest singer on the Internet? Click Jagger.
What do you call a pair of crows? An attempted murder.
I would have fucking loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
The FAA is reviewing the new Boeing Dreamliner... it might get thrown under the airbus.
Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration. "Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner. "That's the one!" says the man
I was about to do a mexican joke... but that's crossing the line.
"Space heater" is a pretty ambitious name. How about "shin warmer?"
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cabinet.
Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!
Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed.
I found a way to make all this gender identity stuff work for me. My right hand will now identify as female. Now I won't have to be sad every time I masturbate.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the  problem is me, I'm just a shithead."
A pirate walks into a bar with paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "Hey, do you realize you have paper towel on your head?" The pirate replies, "Arrrg, I have a bounty on my head."
What do the Russians use to film their war with Isis? Daeshcams
I've started a charity for donating horchata-flavored espressos to deaf Americans in Thailand. It's called the "ASL Rice Phuket Allonge"
Had a 6" sammich from subway today, and it totally didn't fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I'm so, so sorry.
Really Smooth. I lied told my dad that school was canceled. He said," lets go see a movie." We got in the car and he dropped me off at school.
I want to write a book called "Variably Orgasming Man" So people ask me how's "Variably Orgasming Man" coming?
"Hello, 912" wait did u say 912? "yup" I meant to dial 911 "happens all the time" lol I'm such a goof "haha right?" my neighbor got stabbed
Harassment Teacher: Frame a sentence using the word 'Harassment'. . . . Johnny: I was in love with a girl and Her Ass Meant a lot to me.......
Doctor: "I'm sorry.... Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time. Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.
I thought I could have sex with this Eskimo woman... ... But she wasn't that Inuit.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they'll do nicely"
Santa accidentally ran over a man. The poor fellow was sleigh-n.
Jared Fogel is teaching a music class in prison Today's lesson is fingering A minor
I've never seen a dead body but I did once watch a girl get proposed to in an Applebee's
What does Michael Jackson and j.c. penny have in common? Little boys pants half off.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards: "Thank You" Get well "soon" "Congratulations" on the "baby"
Chuck Norris *hates* Raymond.
Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasn't finished..
What is ISIS's favorite type of text? Is the answer: A: Heading B: Heading C: Heading
Two frogs are in a bathtub getting washed. One frog turns to the other and says: Please pass the soap. The other frog says: What do you think I am a typewriter?
What do you call the small amount of time between when you slip on a peel and when you hit the pavement? A bananosecond
Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents? Word to your mother.
Why do some people think Python scripting is offensive? Because white space matters. hehee
I think I'm failing my marine biology class My grade is below C level.
The Detroit Lions That's it; that's the joke.
I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING  about themselves.
I'm so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Civilization is just one really long and annoying group project.
How do u call a Boomerang that doesnt come back ? a Stick
Jesus loves you, but Zeus thinks you're stupid.
If you don't know me, don't judge me. Unless you're making me a pizza and you say "This woman looks like she wants extra cheese." That's ok
Baltimore? More like BaltiLESS! Haha!
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift.
Why couldn't the BMW fit into a narrow parking stall at Target? because it was being driven by a woman
Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat? Mom ! I see an angel.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room He said thanks I said don't mention it...
Why does Donald Trump take women out on his yacht? Because of the implication.
My boss incinerated that I use words incorrectly, applied that I was stupid & told me to watch my tardiness. I'm not even retarded.
What does the DJ do when he spills acid? He drops the base!
So they say rubbing the Buddha statue's belly gives you good luck... ...imagine if you sucked his dick.
What do you call a mouse named Bob who's having an existential crisis? Bob.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you're installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
This PS4 Pirate Simulator game is rubbish! Bringing your ship into harbour is a nightmare! I guess it's just a bad port.
If you woke up in the woods with a condom in your ass and no recollection of the night before, would you report it? No? Wanna go camping?
if you stabbed me i would probably bleed pizza sauce.
You do understand "Tan" and "Orange" are 2 very different colors right?
When birds fly in a 'V' formation, one arm of the V is usually longer than the other. Do you know why that is? There are more birds on that side.
What's the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go in a store without Robin
Why does Santa carry a heavy sack? Because he come once in an year.
My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.
What was so special about Bounty's new line of paper towels? nothing they were tearable.
Why was the Mexican tire sad? Because it was despair
I wouldn't want to live forever. I don't even want to stay at a party past eleven.
what do you call a Canadian alien? ehh lmao
Immigrants are like sperm millions get in but only one works.
When it comes to friends...I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.
Don't you hate people that answer their own questions ? I know I do...
Drugs are a crazy thing What did jerry Garcia say to Bob weir when they ran out of drugs? Man this music sucks!
Why shouldn't you ever have an argument with Mobius? Because they're always so one sided!
First white Muslims in Boston, now a 7'0" gay black pro athlete. Narrow-minded conservatives everywhere are having a very confusing month.
The worst part of Aquaman's day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
What does Tim Cook do when he's home alone at night? Jack off
If I go into a stall and see a solitary, intact lima bean in the bowl, I pick a new stall. I don't want what you're selling, lima bean bowl!
Whenever I'm watching paint dry I like to listen to James Bay ... Just to really complete the experience
I heard that there was no plane be shot down in Constantinople Because there was no Turkey
What's the worst thing about suicide bombers? They're not organ donors.
What do you call a display of Australian patriotism? Stockholm Syndrome.
I invented a Glass Coffin, but I don't know if it will catch on. Remains to be seen.
Cats and Dogs Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can't take x-rays, but cats can.
What do you call a gay geologist? Fagate.
He who farts in church Sits in his own pew
Have you heard the one about the untouched coal pit? Never mined.
I've been reading a book about the history of glue. I can't put it down!
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife's pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Making good jokes about the clitoris is difficult: It's really sensitive.
If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you dumbshit.
What's the word that starts with an "N" that no one wants to call a black person? Neighbor
Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid? He was told not to play with his food.
(OC) What's the dirtiest part of a Jedi? The Forceskin.
So I realized that there is no difference between races. At the end of the day we are all cummin the same color, white.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? a carrot...
What does a parrot named Larry talk about? Vocabulary
Did you hear about the brain implant that can fix stupid? It's called a bullet.
Do her by the ocean. Beaches love crabs.
What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck? a daeshcam
Humans are like grapes... Grapes are green or purple, and a human has colors too. A grape is picked, and eaten by a human. Then we die of old age. I'm not good with metaphors.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair
Does the obama phone ring? or does it tell the person calling that they can just assume yes to whatever they were calling about?
My wife asked me to hand her a tube of lipstick, but I mistakenly handed her a tube of Super Glue Now she won't talk to me.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians...should I be concerned with my safety when I'm up in Heaven?
Just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in the rubbish bin, can't believe someone would throw that away! Worth 5p that!
Have you heard of this new drug? The DEA just passed a new controversial drug to help treat lesbians with depression. It's called Tricoxagan.
What's the best was to piss off an archaeologist ? Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it's from.
Doctor Doctor, my period wont end! I am so sorry... I think that you have caught feminism
I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.
*sees commercial* "Talk to your kids about drugs before its too late" "Kiddo. Kitchen. Now" - Yeah? "This is oregano. Don't get ripped off"
Where are the baby leeks? In it's nappy! (diaper for my american friends) (I work in a supermarket, this is how I pass the time)
I love you dude, but im not "In Prison" with you.
"It's the holidays" *eats a pizza* "It's the holidays" *eats 3 cheeseburgers* "It's the holidays" *eats my food, your food & a small baby*
If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation. It's called a system check.
I hate it when I'm peeing in a public restroom & some motherfucker tries to rob me & I have to fight him while holding my dick.
What kind of cigarettes do California kids smoke? Yours.
Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbians. Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut the f@#K-up! but the parrot was cool though!
if at the end of every year you find yourself posting on social media how "this year sucked," it's time to examine the common denominator
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowtin
*eats one piece of lettuce* checks for abs
Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!
Two snare drums and a hi-hat fall off a cliff. Bu dum tiss
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill. Me: I talk in my sleep?
The older I get, the better I was.
A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
Was going to make a joke about my paycheck... Turns out I have insufficient puns
My girlfriend said I have a good looking penis She said it was impeckerable
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Why do sharks circle their prey? "dad, why do the sharks swim in circles like that before they eat someone?" "it makes them taste better, son." "taste better? How? " "it scares the shit out of them."
I really like some metamorphic rocks... They're the schist!
Doctor: I'm sorry to say but you have cancer and Alzheimer's. Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer. - Jackie Martling
totally original joke/first post: What do you get when you play a Frank Sinatra record at twice the speed? "Shrank Sinatra"
Bill Cosby and Ben Roethlisberger walk into a bar... I don't remember what happened next.
How do you describe the life of a redditor? [removed]
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say "Oh, look, a dead bird," and you look UP, we take your phone away
I'm suffering from bad breath You should do something about it! I did. I just sent my wife to the dentist.
I don't believe in anything I can't see, hear or touch, like calories. My thighs, however, are clearly very gullible.
SCIENCE!!! Hey reddit, are you a 10 on the pH scale? Because you're pretty basic. ^^^^^jk ^^^^^dont ^^^^^kill ^^^^^me
Hope to get down to a weight where people don't think I have an opinion on movies.
What is a drug addicts favorite snack? Crack-ers
What does the L in Samuel L Jackson stand for? Motherfucker
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's finger
I thought up a color that doesn't exist... It's just a pigment of my imagination.
u don't need dangerous marijuana pot get high on life -ride a bike -read a good book -make a sacrifice to the dark lord -watch a sunset
How to be funny [OC] How to be funny: 1) Why 2) Was 3) Six 4) Afraid 5) Of 6) Seven 7) 8) 9)
This kid who wants 'two front teeth' for Christmas is full of shit.
What's the difference between and epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with dysentery? One shucks between fits and the other, well...
She told me to go deeper.... But I was all out of poems.
Password insecurity questions: 1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What's wrong with your toes?
What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don't take me for granite!
(not sure if repost) What do you call a black man that drives an airplane? A fucking pilot you racist!
Why did the hipster burn himself while eating pizza? Because he ate it before it was cool.
What is a grave digger's favorite element on the periodic table? Barium
What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water? A religious movement.
I dared my little brother to lick my dad's ass, and he did. So he dared me to lick my sister's pussy. Just FYI, the ass is called Toots and my sister's cat is Mr. Pickle. We're both 9 and 12
What do you call a woman-hating masseuse? A massage-onist.
I was really bad in school. I failed maths so many times, I can't even count.
Members of my family suffer from a medical condition called "death," but it only strikes late in life.
When I see you, I'm a 10... On the [Mohs scale](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohs_scale_of_mineral_hardness#Minerals).
What's a pirates favorite letter? If you said "arrr" you'd be wrong. It be the sea
A human cannonball for the circus retired after 35 years of service. When asked if the man would be replaced, the owner of the circus said, "No, only because it's hard to find a man of that caliber."
In the old days, folks used to say "tisk, tisk" to shame others Now social media connects us to millions, and allows us to multi-tisk.
A mom walks in on her daughter getting it on on the couch with a boy. "Well, I never!" the mother huffed. "But mom," the daughter protested. "You must have!"
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.
*watching an old Lassie show Me: How come you can't do those things? Dog (mutters): If we had a well I'd push you into it.
Who would win a fight between Lemmy and God? Trick question. Lemmy is God *The world lost a great musician today
Why are lemons yellow? They don't know it either - that's why they are so sour
My girlfriend is a bit like water.. She's H2O without the 2.
Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
This sub is great for learning new jokes Repetition is the first law of learning
Jet Steel can't melt dank memes
Did you hear about the gardener that had an aneurysm? He's currently in a vegetative-state.
My plumber insists on personally using every toilet he just installed. His mission is to boldly go where no one has gone before. Sorry Gene. We still love you.
A joke died on stage. It leaves behind an orphaned punchline.
Did you hear about the Italian Chef with terminal cancer? He pastaway.
They say eye contact in job interviews is important, but try sticking a finger in the interviewer's eye and they always get mad.
What did daddy fish do when mommy fish got herself lost? ...He flounder
Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, the other is a little lighter. Saw this online, laughed a bit too much.
I asked my mate what he was going to get his mum for Mothers' day. "Nothing!" he said. "Why do they get a whole day to themselves, why can't we have a Son Day?" We do mate, it comes after Saturday.
Shout out to my arms for always being by my side... &amp; my legs for being there every step of the way
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don't say a word. Thanks.
Home Alone 3: Take the Hint, Kevin
[Restaurant] Waiter: Compliments of the chef. *He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words 'You're beautiful' pour out*
I'm getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it's really just starting to come across as desperate
Just hugged a sycamore tree before kissing an oak tree. I'm having a treesome lol
A Siri joke!: Two iPhones walk into a bar... ...Carrying a set of iPod shuffles. The bartender says: &gt; Let those iPods sing, man! He was an iSurfer on iPad mini.
From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings
Kinda rude of my neighbors to be burning leaves before I had a chance to blow mine into their yard.
What did Glenn say to Maggie at the baseball game? I'll keep an eye out for you!
Somewhere in Russia, a little kid farted a half beat before the meteor blew out all the windows. It was the greatest moment of his life.
If Jenny has 215 coins in one hand and 412 coins in the other,what does Jenny have? 5 days to live.
What comes between fear and sex? Funf
What's the similarity between eating a girl out and talking to the mafia? A slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo... I had to put my foot down.
Just want to remind all you Trump supporters to get out and vote early on Wednesday.
A guy walks into a doctor's office... ...with corn in his ears, a carrot shoved up his nose and a potato in his butt. Doctor says, "Buddy, you're not eating right..."
Thou puny pottle-deep joithead! You tell em Shakespeare!
I put my underwear on like anyone else. Backwards, two legs in one hole, falling down then decide it's easier to go without.
Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!
So we no longer say "please" and "thanks" in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it's ok to key impolite people's cars.
I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they'll open up a small demolition business together.
There is only one ideal dance partner & it is an empty apartment
Congratulations to my ice maker for winning my fridge's annual "Ice Maker of the Year" award for the 4th straight year!
What do you call a conversation at a proctologist meeting? Butt-Talks
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it's not but they are lying.
I don't know why people always make such a fuss about how much a newborn weighs. It's a baby, not a stash of cocaine.
Pie are Round!!!!!! After the math teacher told the class that the area of a circle is  r2, the Kentucky mountain man said: "Pie are not square! Pie are round! Cornbread are square!"
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree Because he was dead.
A man sees a blonde across the river. Man: How do I get to the other side? Blonde: You are on the other side.
Angelina Jolie needs to take some time off her busy schedule of feeding the hungry and poor in third world countries and feed herself for a change.
I wanna thank my mom for not aborting me and my dad for buying cheap condoms. Love you guys
What do you call a vegan who cheats on their diet with human flesh? A humanitarian
Mondays aren't so bad if you force yourself to have a terrible weekend.
How do you get a hippie off your door step? Pay for the pizza and close the door.
Yesterday, I was told to "check your privilege." I did. It's still there.
Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?
What, I'm Asian? *slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks* *buys a bonsai tree*
Why do Pakistanis love football (soccer) so much? ... Because whenever they get a corner they open a 7/11. PS: I'm Pakistani and I found this joke to be hilarious.
Why are people so surprised that Joe Biden acts like such a poonhound? It's in his job description. After all, he *is* the Vice President.
- How much for the mobile tampon? - Ma'am? - It's a bit big. - Ma'am, it's a lamb. - Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I walked up to a guy in the gym. I said, "How do you use this piece of equipment?" "It's pretty simple," he replied, "Just push the button and it dries your hands..."
In first grade when I'd tell my parents what I learned in class and they'd act amazed, I'd think "Shouldn't you know this shit already?"
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure PHONE: *unskippable ad plays* NURSE: he's dyin SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
If a stripper got "$20" tattooed on each asscheek, she could bend over & say "Hindsight's $20/$20!" ...What a money maker!
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If you enjoy sitting around and doing nothing, I'm your girl.
What's the speed limit for sex? Sixty-eight. At 69 you have to turn around.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven't responded. They must be really busy.
What do you call a murder committed by a gay person? *homo*cide ;)
Why was being a soprano a requirement to becoming a pirate? It made it easier to deal with high C's
Why can't Jim's make sandwiches? Cause it was at my grannies, isn't it!!!
Weight discrimination and fat-shaming are a real problem in our society. Do you know what the worst source of fat-shaming is? A mirror.
Sorry I missed your facebook event, I was super busy not considering you a friend.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behaviour
i've been doing home repairs. since i started using black caulk, i haven't gone back.
Two fish in a tank.. The one fish looks at the other and says ''How do you drive this thing?''
My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..." "My mother was never a young boy." Tim Vine
Lizzie Borden had a couple of really good lifehacks.
What food greatly diminishes a women's sex drive? Wedding cake
I'm having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it's working right now? Thanks.
What's the difference between being horny and being hungry? Where you put the cucumber
If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I'm just a pilot so I always travel
I have the attention span of a gold fish It's been staring at me for several minutes now.
Why was the Doctor screaming angrily at his secretary? He ran out of patients.
I was trying to have sex with my wife on Thanksgiving But she was too busy making dinner, Turkey shot down my jet
You guys ever seen a cockatoo? Yeah? I bet you have.
Gandalf was an alien. It's right there in his name: Gandalf the GREY. Wake up, sheeple!
What happened when the husband tried to deep fry his wife? She went to the battered women's shelter
A man goes into a bakery and asks for 99 loaves of bread... "Why not make it a 100 loaves?" asks the baker, to which the man responds "who the fuck eats that much bread?!".
I think my girlfriend might be a vegetarian... ...because I've never met a girl like herbivore.
Why couldn't we get precise kinetic data on the phosphine-catalyzed reaction? The reaction rate was too phos-phor-us
What do you call your friend from Prague who beat you at chess? Your Czech mate
Why do clairvoyants have crystal balls? So they can see what's coming.
Why did the USAS with frag rounds fall over? Because it was... imbalanced.
It's find it a tough decision to buy the right mattress... I guess I'll have to sleep on it.
I had to bury my girlfriends cat today... He put up a hell of a fight, but I got him covered up!
When I was a child I played "The Floor is Lava!" But as an adult, I've put away childish fancies, and purchased magical lava-proof shoes.
What happens to you at Christmas ? Yule be happy !
Good job I am very surprised that no one has made a 9/11 joke. I would of thought that 9 times out of 11 that I would see one.
John Goodman descends from the sky on his hang glider, scooping stray cats into his mouth like a pelican.
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's "Love Story" in the car on the way over] me: Yes
A horse walks into a bar and orders an N.
Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.
Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: "I'm so sorry"
The lords army. Chad: My brother, why don't you join the lords army? Bob: I'm already their. Chad: I don't see you on Sundays... Bob: I'm in the secret service.
Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can get is bronze.
Heading to Chinatown tomorrow just to hear the people there say the word "election" all day.
They agreed upon 'almond milk' when the original name  flavoured nut water  was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason...
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it's the most important meal.
Did you hear Donald Trump wants to ban pre-shredded cheese? Apparently a bunch of immigrants work in the Kraft factory.
God: Women will bleed for a week. Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time? God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English".
I have no problem with Capital Punishment in theory.... I just have problems with its execution.
How many ISIS mercenaries does it take to change a light bulb? None stupid crusader, that's a job for the hostages!
If a parsley farmer is sued... can they garnish his wages?
Did you hear about the woman banned from Disney World? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Lie to me, Pinocchio! Lie to me!"
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne's parents.
What was the fisherman's favorite art style reelism
I demand a binary world. Everything should be black and white. Or not.
My Dad was the town drunk, ... and we lived in Chicago.
Max has 40 cookies, and decides to eat 34 of them. What does Max have now? Diabetes.
Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one "Just kill me already!!!"
2 Beers = 1 Tweet 5 Beers = 3 Tweets 9 Beers = 7 Tweets 12 Beers = 12 Tweets 24 Teers = 30 Beets
How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses? Instagran
A great high-intensity workout is maintaining a neutral expression when someone tells you about a cool place to hear electronic music.
Next time you're in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say "Yes, can I get some toilet paper?"
Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road. A cop pulls him over and asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."
What do you call a dedicated but untalented gymnast? A working stiff
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, but he has a 12 inch cock? Partially handicapped.
Linguistics Student: "What's a glottal fricative?" "*Heavy sigh*"
What did the accountant with constipation do? He worked is out with a pencil.
GOOD COP: cover me! DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
What do you get when you drop a Piano on an army base? A flat major.
I'll be coming into some money When Katy Perry gets on the dollar bill
In a car it's illegal to not wear a seatbelt. But I guess if you're on a bus they figure death will be a sweet relief.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw plastic forks at her.
If a feminist has 15 cupcakes And she eats 13 of them, why is she wearing leggins?
What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
What is the opposite of a misogynist? That little pussy, Brian. Always talking about his feeling and shit like a little bitch. Fucking grow a pair, dude.
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a circus entertainer ? Something that goes straight for the juggler !
Bought a new vacuum cleaner.. ..it sucks more than my old one
I organised a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.
Dark humor is like a terrorist attack... the timing needs to be just right.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A man walks into a bar and says... OUCH!
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off. They called it neigh-balm.
If you ask me about my love life, I can honestly say... I'm holding my own.
There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own
Why shouldn't you throw a rock at a Mexican riding a bike? Because that might be your bike
What do you call a below average sized dog? A sub woofer Yeah, I know I'm barking up the wrong sub reddit.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I Decided To Learn How To Write Clickbait Titles. What I Learned Will Amaze You.
Funny talks make smile always. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
"Chewing" and "eating" are very similar things. But "getting chewed out" and "getting eaten out" are very different.
Don't judge Charlie Sheen until you've snorted a mile in his coke.
I watched a documentary on how ships are held together It was riveting.
What's the worst thing a girl can hear when she's giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? "I'm not Willie Nelson..."
Today I watched a donkey look both ways before crossing the street... ... he was a smart ass.
Any jokes about failed startups?
I've got this great joke where I kidnap people's sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that escaped from prison? The police reported a small medium at large.
I'm extending the weekend one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you dress slutty on wed.
After years of hard work and dedication, I can finally say that I have that sexy body I've always wanted. It's in my freezer.
Wrong hole! It's too tight! -me putting on my watch, you pervs
"Donald is intensely loyal. To family, friends, employees, country." -His 3rd wife
I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.
My dick was in the Guinness book of records... Until the librarian throw me out.
Biggest joke on Reddit r/politics
What's the difference between stew haters and steers.
Just realized some twitter handles are probably prison ID numbers.
I've just ordered a procrastinating blowup doll with real orgasm effect It's coming tomorrow
We get it car dealers, EVERY Day is a sale day. You don't have to make shit up like The Saturday After It Rained On A Friday Sale.
Don't worry, you are safe Zombies eat brains
Saw my ex... Please. She needs to die.
Why are lesbians always low on cash? Because they're constantly eating out!
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't Chinese? They would have eaten the snake
What do you call a dead baby floating in the middle of the ocean? Bait.
Q: If Bill Clinton Hillary Clinton Al  Gore and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized who would be  saved? A: The United States of America!
Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water? Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Which country has the loosest regulations on incest? Oh shit, this isn't Google.
BALD FLEAS Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head? A: Homeless.
Do you want to hear a joke about pussies? You probably won't get it.
JEllo hooker? What's the difference between Jello and a Dead Hooker? Jello wiggles when you eat it out
How do you address a monster? Very politely.
Like this if you can't think of a clever status either...
I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
I asked Sean Connery what game he was going to play with Roger Federer tomorrow and what time he was going to go He replied: "Tennish"
What do you call 4 dicks tied together? An erectangle.
Whenever I tell someone I'm Russian they tell me to slow down.
What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period? Getting your palms red at the same time.
Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just "open."
*me, at high school prom Me: So, you wanna dance? Her: Definitely! M: Can you tell me why?
Are you bad wifi? Because I see there is no connection here.
What would have happened if asians had committed the attacks of 9/11? 10/11 with rice, thanks for your suggestion
Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.
Why did no one like the cannibal that started eating his own body? He was too full of himself.
Why did Dr.Pepper blush? He received a Sunkist from his Crush
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
One time I walked into a bathroom and there were no urinals I thought, "huh... that's strange." The girls that came in after me were apparently pretty freaked out by it too.
TEXT "TEXT" TO TEXT TO DONATE A TEXT TO TEXT
{discussing wedding dresses} CW1: I had mine preserved. CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You? Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.
Why was the chicken kicked out of class? For using *fowl* language.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It's the worst.
Find out this one weird trick fishermen use. Click bait.
You're like a semicolon. I'm not sure exactly what to do with you.
Whats the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? John Wayne stopped killing Indians
I want my money back, these suppositories taste like shit.
Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field!
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
is this Sara? hi, this is Tom from HS. my god its been years! Anyway, im calling because u changed your HBO Go password & I need the new one
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field.
If life gives you lemons... Make lemonade. If life gives you melons... You might be dyslexic
What's the difference between someone who doesn't use their turn signal and Hitler? You know Hitler will turn Reich.
Why did the Romans build straight roads ? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend !
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench... Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.
"It's not you, it's me" - DiGiorno, to delivery
How did Barack propose to Michelle? He got down on one knee and said, "I don't wanna be Obama self."
Save the cheerleader, save Reddit. 
What car does a japanese girl love to ride Nee-san
What do you call the area where a horse lives? The NEIGHHHHHHborhood
2 deer walk into a bar An hour later they walk out and one says to the other, "Man, I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there."
I was told I was addicted to cocaine, but I can assure you I am definitely not. I just love the way it smells.
Damn it's so cold out i saw woman in two pairs of pajamas at walmart
The Kool-Aid Man is a classy actor... even while crashing parties on TV, he never broke the 4th wall.
What did the Shit Summoner say at the bar ? Mind if I pull up a stool ?
Food is like dark humour... Not everyone gets it.
I'd fuck around on my husband more but he gets jealous when I make sandwiches for other people.
I took a class on Narcissism. I'm pretty sure I blew everyone away.
Rubbing my ass on these documents because the boss's email says to "cheek his paperwork".
What did one boob say to the other? You're my breast friend. Budum tits.
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
What's the difference between a refreshing beverage and an angry dragon? One hits the spot...
I was asked on a biology test "what is most commonly found in cells" Black people was the wrong answer...
Gay test: are you gay ? If you answered yes, then you're gay.
You know you've just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.
Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes its painful sometimes its enjoyable most of the time its hard but mostly your just happy it keeps goin
I was wondering why my doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation... Then I saw a dragon and I fucking shit myself.
What does a Jew do at a coffee shop? Hebrew's coffee
What does wearing Crocs and getting your dick sucked by a dude I have in common? They both feel really good but when you look down you know you're gay.
I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui. But oh how the tables have turned.
Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticeable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.
A Muslim, A Mormon and a Rastafarian walk into a bar... No one does anything
Do people who criticize the presidents daughter for smoking pot forget that the last Republican vice president shot his friend in the face.
I guess he's going back to "the artist formerly known as prince" too soon?
Today I was walking down the street today and a guy threw a slice of cheese at me. That's mature.
How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one ? By her suntan !
I was going to tell a time travel joke... but you didn't like it.
whats the difference between my sex life and racism racism actually exists
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others? ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Did you hear they had to shutdown Japan's first virtual reality porn exhibition? Too many people came.
Why would you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can make dinner and get head at the same time.
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted.
How many sound guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, two... One, two.
My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta It was worth every penne
How is the RNC going to wash themselves of the reputation Trump has given them? Lather, Reince, repeat.
Why do women love Satan? He's down to Earth.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed...Pooh, what's ham? WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to "Dick". Especially since his name is Steve.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Dallas? They woke him up.
What do you call ice cream that robs a bank? Heist cream Got to give credit to my friend, who sadly dosent have reddit.
What can't I find on the internet? My keys
(Tell this to your professional friends or relatives) Your must be a fish... because you've got lots of SCALES!! YEEEEEEYAAAAAA Edit: (skills/scales?) get it?
Steve Harvey
Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't think of a punch line?
Did you hear about that Mexican train thief? They say he had loco motives.
There was a surprising surge in Republican support for Syrian Refugees today They found out 80% of the islamic refugees supported punishing gay people and bans on pre-marital sex. *pew-polls*
What do you call an angry German? A sour kraut
What's an octopuses favourite latin saying? Squid pro quo!
If you pee on a cop Urine trouble. (Credit to my bff)
What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now? Probably clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Yoda: "Mmhhh, why 5 afraid of 6 is?" Because 6 7 8
Reddit is like Porn...... No matter what weird shit you are into there is a category for it.
Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they see it.
[NSFW] Look on the bright side My hooker died during sex... Next hour is for free
I'm from the 80's. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
What do you call cows with 2 legs? Lean beef. bonus: What do you call cows with no legs? Ground beef.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I tried committing suicide today Not going to do that again almost killed myself
What did the Jew say to the homeless man? Could you spare some change?
Me and the wife had a argument about what desserts to have, it turned into a custardy battle.
How many apples grow on a tree? ALL OF THEM!!
*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye* HE STARTED IT
"Well gentlemen... the steaks are high." *two steaks giggle* "Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man..."
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
What is a modern name for a store that specializes in the sale of pornography? A junk shop.
Get off your high horse. Send your high horse to rehab. Keep an eye out to make sure your horse isn't getting high again.
Another joke thread...What's your best: I'm as/so angry ________ (or variant) Here's mine: I'm more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out birthday candles.
Why did everyone hate the shoe company? It had no soul.
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After ten years your job still sucks
My biggest complaint about Batman v Superman is how the movie always just assumes you know which one is which.
[son at dinner] "a boy at school sells fireworks for $2" [to son and wife next day at breakfast] so, we'll charge $1.75 and split it 3 ways
How can you tell you live in an Asian part of town? All the Mexicans have car insurance.
How does a jew make coffee? Hebrews it
My son asked me to explain women to him so I told him we'd go to lunch and talk about it, then spent the next 3 hours getting dressed.
What do you call a Jewish rapper? A rappi.
What do you call a former member of ISIS? WASWAS
My girlfriend is like the square root of a negative 100... She's a perfect 10! But she's also imaginary.
Who was the most well rounded knight at King Arthur's round table? Circumference
God said He loves me? That's awkward. Tell Him I want to see other people.
What is a British person's favorite cereal? Cheerios. say it in a British accent
BLONDE COUNTING Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
People who put the punchline in the title What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Why did the USSR have so many lower case letters? Because they aren't capitalist
How does a mathematician deal with constipation? He works it out with a pencil
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted
(x-post from /r/dadjokes) Did you hear about the new ultra-expensive cologne that's for sale? It's called ElonMuskTM
What's worse that biting into an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion.
There are two reasons I would never drink from a toilet Number 1, and number 2
Short story about HYGIENE Hi, Eugene. Please be kind. First post here. ;)
The only people I know I'm superior to are the ones who announce the break they're taking from Facebook.
Jack and Jill... .....went up the hill so he could lick her candy, but jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, cause Jill now identifies as a male and had gotten sex change surgery a week before.
Why did the skeleton not attend prom? He had no body to go with.
Whenever I try to steal from people I get stabbed by an old plastic fork or a stick. The homeless are resourceful, man.
Where does food go when Palpatine eats it? In Sidious!
Why isn't Sonic the Hedgehog Muslim? Because once Ramadan is over, he can't stop fasting!
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I think I'm just going to date procrastination... It just makes sense, it's been fucking me every day since high school.
I'm not an elitist. I'm far better than that.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
What do you call a musician's erection? A tromboner.
Why did the Moon break up with Earth? The Moon said they were slowly drifting apart.
I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.
Go piss on a friend. They may have been stung by a jellyfish & are too embarrassed to ask for help. You'll be a hero.
MAN: I'll get pasta & she'll have the salad COW: What's that mean? MAN: Uh- COW: I'm fat? MAN: ... You're a cow? PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
What did the left butt cheek say to the right? If we stick together we can stop this shit.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: Dentist #5 is a real asshole.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
How do you get a Jewish girls number? Check her wrists.
Splinters are woods way of sexual assault They can go deep inside you, and the bigger they are, the more it hurts.
I bought my kid some McDonald's today. He really doesn't like stocks though.
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language? **An American.**
Beer is mankind's best invention ever, but the wheel is the most revolutionary.
If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.
this is what happens when you don't read the comments before commenting [deleted]
Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby? Mrs Bigger's baby because he's a little Bigger.
Who'll handle the Guantanamo closing? Same guys who did Circuit City?
I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How's your night?
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to enter a weightlifting competition? The judges said "Sorry, we've got enough dumbbells"
Why did the boy stand behind the horse? He thought he might get a kick out of it!
What does a scientologist and an almond have in common? They are both nuts.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me:I'm cute? Cop: Nope Me: you like my car? Cop: Nope Me: I could do this all day.
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday ?  Eat him on Saturday !
Magician walking down the street A magician is walking down a street, he then turns into a grocery store.
i swear to god I'm funny I was going to tell a gay joke... Butt fuck it.. Bada bom tisssh
Hey, did you all hear about the Muslim space program? Yeah, me neither.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
What's a bounty hunter's favorite cheese? Fetta
Why are dogs such terrible dancers? They have two left feet.
So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes* What do you mean, like a sandwich?
I used to be a werewolf... but I'm alright noooooooowwwwww!
'I' before 'E' , except after 'C' Weird.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it's like...I don't care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
3 words that wins a girl's heart. Suck my dick
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
if religion is the opium of the masses then i smoke weed everyday!
4 gay guys walk into a bar, but there's only 1 available stool. What do they do? Flip it over.
"No woman, no cry." - Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
One time a friend said that he "ain't never had no nothing". It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.
Why do French tanks have a rear-view mirror? To see the front
Why you should wash your car? WASH YOUR CAR BECAUSE IT IS DIRTIER THAN MILEY CYRUS!
When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. ` And then I wait for the next bus.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll post the answer in the comments.
Why I think North Korea is a bad place [deleted]
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge . :)
Government officials have released a report including satellite images of secret ISIS training facilities Iocated in Italy That's right.....Italian ISIS
Raging Gamers A recent survey conducted asked about a thousand 13-year old gamers what they had done last week. 92% said "your mum"
Dogs that belong to homeless people must think "just say you're sorry dude and we can sleep inside tonight"
So I went to ask about some yoga classes in my neighbourhood as it's my first time. The instructor asked me if I was flexible... ... I said "I can't do Tuesdays."
How do you ask an Uber driver if he drives for Lyft, too? Do you even Lyft bro? (I'll see myself out)
"hello pretty lady." [i slide down the bar] "what's your name?" i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[wedding reception] DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions? IDK HE'S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what's going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? A: S&M&M.
What did Tennessee? ...the same thing Arkansas
ELI5: If both my parents have huge dicks, does that mean I will be genetically guaranteed to have a huge dick when I grow up?
Nobody told Ahmed about the clock change so he blew himself up in the garage.
Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym? Because you already know she'll work out.
I had a cocaine joke, but now I can't find it It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up
What do Trump supporters and child molesters have in common? They both like immature assholes.
thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money
"Internet pretty"  angled profile photos that disguise the ugly truth.
What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player? He got crossed.
What do you call a an Egyptian crocodile who swears they live in Florida? In da-Nile
So is the Pope like... single now?
NRA member: I've got guns. I'm in charge. Me: That's nice. I've got bubonic plague - "cough, cough" - now you do, too. I win.
Why are Boy Scouts such great murderers? Because they leave no trace.
Women don't know what they want. Men don't know what they have.
One Gay Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?" "No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"
IT Jokes 3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later, they walked out... Because they couldn't find a table.
A lot of kids these days don't even want to be sailors... ...but it's just so easy to give in to "pier" pressure.
I don't answer unexpected knocks on the door in case it's the beginning of a very polite Zombie Apocalypse.
How do you find the click bait audience?
According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex's house.
Why are all updates to Apple stuff piratical? Because they all involve iPatches.
You're not a mistake. Mistakes can be fixed. You're hopeless.
"Huh?" - Wonder Woman
A mathematician was constipated, how did he solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil and paper.
What is the easiest way to weigh your head? Ask assistance from ISIS.
If asked 'Whats up?' respond 'An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man' then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons
My doctor says i have that "Hannah Montana" illness He said it was a Miley Virus
So Zayn quit the band? His life is obviously taking on a new direction...
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word "fungus."
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
What do you call a Syrian sex toy? A blowup doll
Did you hear about that pirate movie? It's rated "Arrrrrrrr!"
[courtroom, on witness stand] Prosecuting attny: If you think she's poisoning you, why did you eat it? Me: It was pizza [jury nods, murmurs]
Customer: Waiter, theres a button in my salad... Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.
Damn girl are you a pet rock? Because I want you in my butt.
I might not be the "best" father in the world, but I'm also bad with money & know how to beat a polygraph.
What's a Henway? Oh, you know. About 5 pounds. I'll show myself the door now.
An Indian can do anything for sex Even marriage
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass
Q: How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful? A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for  penicillin.
The crazy thing about insurance is that the best case scenario is you've wasted a bunch of money.
Took and Ambien and a Viagra at the same time again. Im finding it hard to sleep.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales!
I like my sex the way I like my tweets. Forced and meaningless.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that - ugh hold on *covers phone* MOM I'M ON THE PHONE!
I opened a new nightclub named 'Erectile Dysfunction'. It was a complete flop, nobody came.
Why are urologists selfish? Because they're all about number one
What's the difference between a Jew and a truck? The truck doesn't scream when you pump gas into it.
If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback. I'll let myself out.
What did they call the documentary about Lorena Bobbit? American Snipper
What did the computer say to the pirate? Want to date hot Russians!
[Titanic] Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign. Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat- "What about Leo?" Steward: No. Leo dies.
A Spaniard, a Dutchman and an Englishman walk into a bar The Icelander couldn't make it because he's still at the Euros.
What was Hitler favorite TV show? The Amazing Race
A photon walks through a bar
Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died? He just needed a little bit of Clojure.
I would rather have Bill Cosby as President than Donald Trump.. because if America is gonna get fucked for 4 years I wanna be asleep when it happens.
How many potatoes does it take to kill the Irish? None.
Laundry Day Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt. Him: Babe, I can explain! Me: Don't care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Why is Princess Peach named after a fruit and Princess Daisy named after a flower? Because wanting to sound good is their OBJECTion
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I'm being stalked.
Why do Eskimos wash in Tide? Because it's too cold to wash out Tide
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if your name was "ARGHAGHRRAH!"
"Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years."
Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
If life gives you lemons, you migth be lysdexic
Why do bicycles always fall down if unsupported? Because they're two-tired.
My wife left me due to my obsession for classical music.. I hope she takes me Bach
A kid is playing with his Testicles, while his mom baths him... "Mommy is this my brain?" "Not yet sweetheart, not yet"
What does Eckhart Tolle get for Christmas? Presence
Reddit is like a shiny new penny It's fun to look at but completely worthless :P
*At store buying school supplies* Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Why are gay people so rude ? Because they're fucking assholes !
What food guide does a Chicagoan need in Japan? A Ramen Manual.
Why did Fetty Wap chose that as his stage name? Because he wanted to make $50K per day from ad revenue.
What do you call a religious man with low pH? An acidic Jew.
What's going on in Paris is outrageous. You think the french would have surrendered by now.
I just found out that my pillow has a better sex life than me It gets head every night
What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.
We All Love To Hate Them But... Let's Hear Your Dad Jokes. We love to hate them ( secretly of course) But let's hear the worst ones you come to hear in your life.
*turns on internet* computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Went to the opticians today leaving with them telling me my eye sight is better than 20/20. So when I say you look like a C*NT, i think i know what i'm talking about.
Why do rednecks love Halloween? (NSFW) Because they love to pump kin.
Apostrophes are important. "I fed the dog" "I f'ed the dog" Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
What kind of horse has trouble keeping track of  his Macintosh? An Appaloosa!
Do you know poop is tapered at one end? So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" His father replied, "well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine."
A little bit of ash falls on Hitler's shoulder. He sweeps it off and says "Fuck off Jew"
grey matter What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant.
What is an out of date joke you still remember? One from the 90's: What do you call a little burro? A Burrito. What do you call a little taco? A Taquito What do you call a little judge? A Judge Ito
Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I haven't paid $500 to have a garbanzo bean in my face.
What is a prostitutes business motto? The customer always comes first.
If a cop sees a black guy crossing the street and a white guy robbing an old lady, who does he shot first? The thief because first duty then plesure
Trick or treat.. Smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear. And that's why I was arrested, Your Honor.
How does a Welshman find sheep in long grass? Irresistible
Curiosity killed the cat... Why the hell was she on Mars?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[pizza delivery] Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip* uh HELL YEAH! *pulls out phone* see that RT button?
It's so hot outside... I'm sweating like a poodle at Michael Vicks house.
I applied for a position as a stenographer, but I was disqualified when the blood test came back. Turns out I'm Type-O Plentiful.
Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.
My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt." I suppose she has a point, I really should make an effort to learn her mother's real name.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that'll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Did you hear about the kindergartener with a bad knee? He needed a kid knee transplant.
why you shouldnt drink around gays because you may wake up with an empty wallet and a sore ass
Every day I see my baby nephew, I lift him up repeatedly and say "whee." French is a tough language to learn. I want him to get a head start. :)
What does an electrician say when he's confused? Watt?!
When buying baked goods I always ask myself, "are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?"
*reads menu for reasonable amount of time "I'll take the food."
Fake is the new trend and some of my friends seem to be in style!
What is a ducks favourite drug? quack
Leprecauns and gay guys must end up at the same places a lot.
What happens in BSDM when you fuck the wrong person? Oops, wrong sub.
A hobbyist metalsmith was arrested for displaying his handmade pennies in public. What was he charged with? Indie-cent exposure.
A tombstone that has a scrolling LED marquee of your greatest tweets.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she would CONSTANTLY accuse me of cheating. I just can't be with anyone who sounds so much like my wife.
Why do mermaids wear seashells for a bra? Because "B" shells would be too small!
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything..
My old math teacher used to dress pretty casually. So one day, when I walked into class they were all dressed up, suit, tie, etc. I strolled up to them and asked, "What's the equation?"
The bartender says we don't serve time travelers 2 Time Travelers walk into a bar
Hey, man. Can I get a cold one? "Sorry sir, the morgue is closed after 6."
"Make it two if you count my great personality - three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it's a table for one."
Did you hear about the man who had sex with a parrot? He got chirpes, and the bad news is...it's untweetable.
Every mirror is a vanity mirror.
What's your dad getting for Christmas?  Bald and fat.
The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs! *puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water* *water turns into wine* Thank u Jesus
Vegetarian Club I met a girl that said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but i had never met herbivore.
Do you know the 20th President of the United  States ? No we were never introduced !
How do you make both God and Satan angry at you? You rape Satan's wife.
Have you seen the Australian version of Breaking bad? He get's cancer and Medicare covers his costs and the series ends.
Did you hear about the woman who had her left side cut off? She was alright.
9/11 jokes aren't funny. My uncle died on one of the planes. His last words were ALLAHHHU AKBARR!
This joke is brought to you by Arnold Schwarzeneggers one-sided chess set. "I'll be black"
Of course I can keep a secret, It's the people I tell it to that can't.
I read the following headline in the paper today: "Woman Beats Off Attacker"
"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you." "That's so sweet." "Not particularly. It was daytime."
As I was about 3/4 of the way through the Fallout 4 campaign, I began to notice something strange... .
My girlfriend has the hottest ass in the world. Me
Told this girl to text me when she got home ... I think she's homeless
I'm all set for Friday night: got my mac 'n cheese dinner, 40 oz., 'Steel Magnolias' DVD, Twitter friends and tears.
How to insult a nerd "Is rhat an Apple Watch?"
I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the "Sunni D" family
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the jungle? He got so excited, he threw up his arms!
My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
I once tried to be a cat... It didn't go pur-fectly, but it went well... (   )
I think my favorite sexual organ is the one in the Milan Cathedral because that is the only organ I've actually had sex with.
"There's no '1' in ' team.'" - guy who wrote "Se7en"
Let's all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of the dog.
So I met this gorgeous girl... ...and I was sucking her cock last night when I thought to myself "Hey, wait a minute!"
IOC Drops Wrestling From 2020 Olympics Countless people are stunned by this takedown.
Three men of different ethnicities walk into a bar. The first two say something smart. The third completely embarrasses his countrymen by saying something stupid.
Who won the animal race? The giraffe and the aardvark were running neck and neck but the aardvark won by a nose!
my chemistry always told me "if you're not part of the solution..... then you're part of the precipitate"
I have just invented a perfume made from holy water Eau my god
If I had a gun and 2 bullets and I was alone in a room with you, Hitler, and Stalin, I'd look at you like how the fuck did we get in this situation.
[Racist Joke] What does a black men and the Terminator have in common? One says "Hasta la vista baby!!" and the other one says "Hasta la vista son"
Why are women such bad drivers? Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
Drunk girls shouldn't even be allowed to have phones.
Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door "Back in 30  minutes" so he sat down to wait for himself?
John Wilkes Booth is one of history's greatest stand-up comedians I heard he really killed at Ford's Theatre.
Used to be I got stoned a lot, people called me a stoner. But now I'm older and my kid brother wants to get baked all the time. So what do I call him?
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men." So he stabs her and steals her purse.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
So a giraffe walks into a bar... and says, "High balls, on me!"
What's the difference between a chicken drumstick and a penis? If you answered "I don't know"? Then would you like to go for a picnic?
Officer- I'm giving you a ticket for your speed Me- That's heroin Officer-... Me- Want some? Officer-... Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt "Merry Christmas" text, I thought you should know everyone says "Thanks". ..All 115 of them.
Red. My least favorite urine color.
What was post office worker's sexuality She was attracted to mails
What's big, white and goes down on you in the middle of the night? An Airbus A320.
Where do ninjas come from? Out of nowhere!
Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that's been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.
Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI's, the cops won't accept "tradition" as an excuse as to why you're driving drunk.
I don't like vacuums. They suck.
I used to be a senile UPS worker Shit I messed up the delivery
I don't think it's very professional for my psychologist to say "holy shit!" twice during my hour.
Is your refrigerator running? Because refrigerator obesity is on the rise.
If you're American walking into the bathroom and you're American walking out of the bathroon, what're you in the bathroom? European
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.
Why are cigars unhealthier than cigarettes? Because they're fatter.
Why did the semen cross the road? Why did the seman cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today..
What do Asgardians use to keep food hot? A Thormos.
In Soviet Russia... TV watches you. With much apologies to Yakov Smirnoff (who rarely told them). Please to bring on Russian Reversal jokes in comments.
Apparently you can make a career out of exhaling It's called a blowjob
Why are Americans bad at league of legends? Because they can't defend their towers!...i'm gonna get stabbed
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer.
As I read my son's suicide letter, I couldn't help but feel that I had failed him as a parent.... His grammar and spelling were terrible.
Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be a bagel!
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
How do you know a woman has had sex in every country in the world? Her pussy is well cultured.
How do you throw a party in Nigeria? You stick a piece of bread to the ceiling
What starts with e, ends with e, and has one letter in it? An envelope.
Oh God. Yes. This is so good. I love it so much I'm having a sarcasm.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die. Me: So? You're going to die, and he had you.
If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.
Every female knows that one annoying boy who constantly asks "So when we gonna chill?"
Women age like fine wine... In my basement
What do women in the Middle East and Millennials have in common? If they go to college, they'll probably get stoned.
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile I replied "Shut your mouth you fat cunt"
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it.
What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack? Morning wood.
In honor of easter, here's a joke my French teacher put on the board last week. Easter is a bonne idee.
I can't imagine the enormous pressure on fat black women to be sassy all the time.
While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full...I'll just be drinking from the bottle !
I can prove that primates don't exist... Eight divides evenly by 2 or 4.
We're making self portrait masks in art class. I think I'll get an A+. I could just be getting ahead of myself.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower] "Yo, Taylor- I'm really happy for you & I'm-a let you finish, but..."
If you're fat, don't sugar coat it Because you'll probably eat that too! In the midst of this craziness I saw this gem. Not my joke. Credit to everyone who thought of it first.
The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.
Why did Timmy fall off the swings? Didn't have any hands.. (the real punch line) Knock knock.. Who's there? Not Timmy..
Why was the panda crying? He had a bambooboo. Aonther one from my 9 year old.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It's just the only way I'm ever gonna effectively lose weight.
So a homeless guy asked me to give him $20 to hold him off until payday. I asked him when payday was, and he replied, "How would I know, you're the one who's working."
My Facebook friends fall into 3 categories: vaguely remember, don't remember at all, or never want to speak to for the rest of my life.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
What is a terrorist favorite Pokemon move? Self-Destruct
90% of the internet is people who don't know anything having their questions answered by people who don't know anything.
Girls think shrinkage is funny but I just think they're jealous, because the same principal does not apply to them.
What's the best fantasy book? A bible
Proposing new subreddit rule No more menstruation jokes. Period.
Sorry I'm late, I was staring at a picture of the Ninja Turtles for an hour trying to figure out why they always wear belts with no pants.
What's the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of afterbirth? You can't gargle with the sand.
I got mugged yesterday... The mugger said, "Give me your money or you're science." I said, "Don't you mean history?" He said, "Don't try and change the subject."
if a cop pulls u over play dead
What do you the balcony seats at the theater? The Wilkes Booth.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? To To Who? Um, it's 'to whom'.
"I'll have a cheeseburger with a large coke," The blonde girl requested. "Excuse me miss, this is a library." ^^"I'll ^^have ^^a ^^cheeseburger ^^with ^^a ^^large ^^coke," she whispered.
Hellen Keller was the first person to go to Disney land. Don't worry, she didn't know it either.
I married a Chinese millionaire..... ....Ka Ching.
What does the grim reaper and a pedophile have in common? They both take people before their time.
There are only a few people I can say "You're one of the few friends I enjoy being with more in person than on Facebook.
"My goodness, you've grown a foot since I last saw you..." ...said the doctor in Chernobyl.
*phone rings* Wife: "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me (a dad): "Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It's for you." Wife: "...."
My favorite clean joke Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field!!!!!
if you watch cinderella backwards its about a girl who finds her place in society.
So I asked my friend what ADHD was... He told me "It's was like a better quality version of."
I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Who is the only person able to knock out Ronda Rousey? Bill Cosby
Man down! Send in back up! *wife comes rushing in the room* "What happened?!" *i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
At first I was angry... ...when all my friends began collecting stamps after I started. But then I remembered: imitation is the sincerest form of philately.
If you don't react when the Dr. hits your knee with the mallet, the Hippocratic Oath says he has to kill you with a shotgun right then.
What did tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance? "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance!"
"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?" Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.
It's not funny when a First Lady runs for President. It's Hillary-ous.
Life is like a box of chocolates It really sucks if you have diabetes
What's the similarity between my dad and a magician. They both like sawing people in half for fun
I love collective nouns: a pod of dolphins, a mob of kangaroos, a Gosselin of douches.
what do a sex in a canoe and American beer have in common? they are both fucking close to water
Little boy to airline pilot:  "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."  Pilot:  "Not if I do it right."
A man was arrested for taking drugs in the UAE He got stoned...
What do you call an Ethiopian squatting to take a shit? A bragging son of of a bitch.
What material do african blacksmiths use the most? Steel.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots? Me: What? 5-year-old: A horse.
Joke from my jazz history class: You are stuck on an island with Hitler, Stalin, and Kenny G. You have a gun, but you only have two bullets. What do you do? You shoot Kenny G. Twice.
Did you hear about the Barcelona football star who got busted for tax evasion? They said his tax returns were Messi.
What do you call a guy with no body and no nose? Nobody knows
Imagine if American Waitresses didn't get a wage, but instead had to make do with.. Just the tip!
If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless." #SOTU
What do you call smutty pictures of birds? Pornithography.
What's green and has wheels? The grass. I lied about the wheels.
My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop using Monkee's song references. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face...
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate pizza before it was cool
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
How many ADHD children does it take to change a lightbulb? Lets go ride our bikes
Good names Barry McCockinner Ben Dover Eileen Dover Dr. Hugh G. Rection Give me other ones
How do you know it's time to clean up your room? When the wifi signal doesn't come through.
"What happens to germaphobes?" They wash their hands so often, they dry out and people assume they have AIDS.
once i saw a horse standing next to a car and when someone remote unlocked the car, the horse got spooked and kicked in the passenger door.
Why is a giraffes neck so long? Because the head is so high up.
I'm always a little suspicious of women who say that they don't "remember things"
Sunday is the only day of the week I can say, "I'll do it in a minute," never do it, and not feel guilty.
What do you call a prostitute with cum on her face? A Taxi, Her jobs done.
Some people wonder why Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't run for President... It's only because he's Austrian. And we all know what happened last time an Austrian came to power...
Which Sri Lankan do Star Wars fans like? May Theforcebewithyou.
That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.
A man wanks into a bar... ...and the bartender says "We don't serve your typo here"
Sometimes I wake up feeling like I figured something out, only to realize it was gibberish. My latest invention was ladders on airplanes.
What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots and shoots but can't hit, and the other...
You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him. Also background checks and digging thru his trash.
[school] Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy? "Abolishing slavery." And... "Slaying vampires." Very good.
A Mexican Magician... A Mexican magician says he will dissappear on the count of three. Uno... Dos... *poof* He's disappeared... Without a tres.
What sound does an Italian American microwave make? Bada bing!
What does a horny frog say? Rubbit. Stole this from a friend.
If I like my job am I a "gruntled" employee??
I found a spider in my protein powder today I politely asked him to get out of my whey.
What is the Sun's favorite type of music? Sol.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me? Both! Now get in the fucking van.
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? Kanye
Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.
I'm not the best at giving advice when it comes to tequila So you'll have to take it with a grain of salt...
STUDENT: what's it like being drunk? TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12. STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? 4. 1 to hold the bulb and 3 to drink until the room spins.
eer booze and fun!' 'Contrary to what people say  you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes you get so calm you can't move.
Pythagoras was a skeptic... ...but now he believes in angles
As a child my girlfriend loved train sets Most of my adult friends thinks its weird she still plays with them. I think it's perfectly normal for a 6 year old.
How many Cowboys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they have Giants for that kinda shit.
I like my TVs like I like my women... Smart and curved.
Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater? Because he was a little chile
The Quran is like weed You burn it and you get stoned
QA engineer walks into a bar ...(x-post from r/programmerHumor) Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.
Russian Joke Parents got shot, children got shot, friends got shot... Joke over back to field.
Why did the porn-star get hit by a bus? She never saw it coming!!!
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full. Credit afroman for this one
LPT: if you're trying to study, don't listen to music with lyrics Any modern pop-song should do.
There's a doping scandal at the Rio de Janeiro Paralympics involving the Russians. We will see if these accusation stories have any legs.
A photon... Checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs help with his luggage to which the photon replies, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, &amp; mentally challenged sister... It was wrong on so many levels.
I feel bad for men with erectile disfunction, but they all seem to be handling it well. It's like all of them literally can't give a fuck.
Why will the next IPhones be the hottest best selling phones? Because they'll be sexy(6c) and a success(6s)
Sex is like Gardening. Sex is like gardening, old women do it alone while they think of their dead husbands. @johntole
There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I'm not sure who to believe.
I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.
I threw a Bukakke party last night...... it was terrible nobody came.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Not picking up the phone is some of the most fun you can have with a phone.
What's the difference between half a dozen dicks and the truth? You can't handle the truth.
What did cinderella do when she got to the ball? choked
What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket? Independent
Where do geneticists store vegetables? In the CRISPR drawer
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A Hippo is heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread. Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.
april fools joke: replace all the sugar in your house with cocaine
[grocery store] dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying [baby keeps crying] me: wow, your baby does not listen
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom? "Well, I fucked that one up."
Did you hear about the Irish paper boy? He blew away.
In my youth, there was no "snapschapts". If you liked a young lady, you'd draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.
A psychic dwarf escaped from prison There's a small medium at large.
What did Syd Barrett leave in his mother's bathroom? A saucerful of secretions
What does an egg do for fun? Kari - YOKE - ee *Ha Ha Ha*
Robin: "Let me drive the Batmobile!" Batman: "Never. I'd rather let Superman." *wall breaks down* Superman: "OMG really??" Batman: "No."
What's the difference between a feminist and an illegal immigrant? The illegal immigrant knows how to cook.
Why are gay guys able to float? Because they're flamboyant.
What do you call a bunch of Lesbians in a closet? A liquor cabinet.
Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.
*walks past yoga studio* *looks in window* *eyes widen* Awesome. It's like kindergarten. *walks into class* *unrolls mat* *takes a nap*
I can see what happens at the end of Trump's presidency I have 2020 vision.
When is Dennis Rodman going to realize that he will be executed as soon as the North Korean basketball team he is training loses their first game.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
When Chumlee gets out of prison he should do a show with Jared from Subway. They should call it... Child Pawn.
Did you hear about the COW that got a promotion? She was out standing in her field. **Edited for political correctness.
In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water
I was going to post that I'm in Nebraska but Foursquare didn't have the location "Someone shoot me in the face" listed.
What do you call a religious cow in the Middle East? A Moooooslim!!
If a person with down's gets high Do they become a normal person?
"Serving size: half sandwich." Really, ice-cream sandwich manufacturers? I know what you're doing. And I don't like it.
whats the difference between Congress and a condom? You can only fit one dick in a condom.
My friends think I have a drinking problem... So I told them "no, I actually think I drink quite well"
In this sentence, their are exactly three errorrs.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile.
People who leave voicemails are probably the same people who will wait in line to have someone bag their stuff when self-checkout is free.
[NSFW] Why don't vegetarian girls moan during sex? Because they don't like to admit that a piece of meat can give them so much pleasure.
Hits rock bottom. *adds Geologist to resume
Which whale makes the best sexual partner? One that will humpback!
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
So a black man walks into a store and bought 5 items. April fools, he stole them.
Why your mother had you Your mother did not get an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with you because she wanted you, but because the abortion cost more then keeping you alive.
Apparently for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair. Why is the man only left with 30? Credit to Bo Burnham.
What's the difference between a rooster and your mom? A rooster says, "cockadoodledoo". Your mom says, "anycockwilldoo".
So, a cheerleader walks into a Starbucks... and shouts, "gimme a tea!"
What's Jared's favorite ingredient for his Subway sandwiches? Extra virgin oil
The one huge advantage of being dumb ... you never overthink things.
Staying at my daughter's place again this weekend. Can't wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there's a moth in my room.
It's not a "junk drawer," it's a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Why are there separate book donation boxes for Nigeria, Ghana, AND Zambia outside the bookstore? Am I supposed to pick my favorite?
How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination? Well he's dead, isn't he? (Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)
Why did the prison board decide to build the new prison out of concrete? The old one was made of steal.
Naked and Afraid but it's just you in someone else's bathroom with a toilet that won't flush
I finally admitted to my girlfriend, "I think I struggle with gender issues... ...because whenever I see you girl, I realize I wanna be inside a woman's body."
Abortion is a tough issue for me. On one hand I love killing babies but on the other I don't want to give women rights.
You should never yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater The gunman will shoot when he's ready, it isn't polite to rush him
If you want to hide something from me, put it on my voicemail.
I recently bought some shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had long since succumbed to Stockholm syndrome and was actively engaging with their captors.
"Don't touch the floor. The floor is the lava" Pompeii, 79 AD
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley... one was a-salted
Sorry I'm late, guys. SOMEbody.. *gestures at wife* told me this knife fight started at.. *sees everyone holding guns* FANtastic, Ellen
I just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle. God I love her optimism.
It's okay to joke about Jesus... He died for our zings.
"Hello! You have a nice dog. Opiates are bad. Beautiful day today. My parents talk to pixies. Bye!" - Polite home-schooled kid I met today.
In German, the imperative is formed by opening your mouth and speaking German.
Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner? Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.
You send yourself a message through time. "Invest in google" it says. You don't have money in the past either. Nothing Changes
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Did you hear Trump announce he's doing one more season of Apprentice? Winner gets to be V.P.
*Runs a bath Me: ok, jump in 3: it's too hot *Adds cold water Me: Ok, get in 3: it's too cold Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.
Yo mama so fat... She models for the atlas
Hey, have you heard of that new movie, "Constipation"? Yeah...it hasn't come out yet.
Rules to live by: 1. Be kind to strangers 2. Don't cheat on your taxes 3. Everything in moderation 4. Bury the body at sea
What is the difference between a Peeping Tom and a burglar? A burglar snatches watches.
What do you call a fake Irish diamond? A shamrock.
Ok so I met this one guy who told me he lived in Paris. To make a long story short, he lived in Paris TX.
When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said "braaaaiiiiinnnnssss" number 10 ate the researcher.
What is the needless meat to a vagina? The woman!
Blind dates are the best because they can't see me stealing all of the food from their plate
5 Brazilian dollars sounds like a lot of money... However, with the current exchange rate its only about $1.35 USD
Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side.
Bob just couldn't nail his roll down.. .. So he just decided to screw it.
Who makes more money, a hooker or a drug dealer? The hooker because she can wash her crack and sell it again.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we're doing this joke wrong".
Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut.
Telling my wife I'm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
yo mama so fat she sat on a tractor and made it a pick-up truck.
I never realized how overweight my thumbs were until I tried typing on an iPhone.
I give in to peer pressure My friends went on a diet, so I joined in to try to fit in.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes? *The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I love being excluded from things Should have got a green card
I bought zombie insurance recently it was a no brainer
A cop that contemplates his existence: Philofficer
Ive always wanted to be an artist. I draw and paint everyday. But im already 25 so im going to do what bruce jenner did and wait 40 years until im nearly dead.
Just lasted over an hour in bed... Thank you day light savings
Arrghh! I'm so bummed! I finally got laid off
Why do fat girls give great head? Because they have to
I'm making a graph on my previous exs It has an Ex axis and a Why axis.
i tried to share a hilarious pun with my kids but they had turned on dadblock plus
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder w cheese ;^]
I want to tell a chemistry joke... But all the good ones argon.
"How about a scarf?" - Johnny Depp's stylist every day.
A recent study has shown you should NOT vaccinate kittens It increases their risk of awww-tism
LeAnn Rimes No it doesn't.
What does eighty year old pussy taste like? Depends.
The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn't matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.
They say 99% of the population is stupid... I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!
What's best about a sixteen year old girl? Her fourteen year old best friend.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but getting them in there is a bitch!
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It's been in my wallet the whole time.
Oh you graduated from DeVry too?! Which month were you?
So most foot longs at Subway are 7$ not 5$. I'm not mad that it's more money. I'm just mad that I sing their tunes of false advertisement
Somebody messed up my small weighing scale. I was like 0MG!
I can't afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My wife said "vase" wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Horses are so negative in meetings.... They are such neigh-sayers.
Politicians are like diapers... They're almost exclusively white
Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I'm sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?
Will Smith joke How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prince...
Two Mexicans What do you call two Mexicans in the back of a fire truck? Jose and Hose B
Salary is like a period  you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.
My friend told he she thought she looked fat and needed a compliment I told her she had perfect eyesight
People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones. But people in ABU DHABI DO!
Why shouldn't you lend a anthropologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you! Me: Ya? What show? My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens! Very funny Mom!
When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer, it's called "art" and "music. When I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave Home Depot".
Why is the sea so strong? It has a lot of mussels.
My roommate said I might be schizophrenic. But what does he know I don't even have a roommate.
Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.
And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross. Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs, i'll be back on Monday.
My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.
Did you hear about the angry pancake!? Well one day he ***flipped***!!!
A good day for a bad boy is talking a good girl into a bad decision.
Why are quantum physicists so bad at sex? Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
I'm not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I'm pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
Everytime someone cuts me off in traffic, an angel gets its wings Because I'm going to kill a motherfucker.
"I'll have what she's having." " Sir, this is a gynecolo-" "Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr's lips* I said I'll have what she's having."
A blind girl was giving me a handjob last night..... and said "this is the biggest cock I've ever felt in my hand." I said "Nah you're just pulling my leg."
How do you make a hormone? Don't tip her.
"The tension between Uranus... and Pluto hat has been there since June of 2012 will finally ease up", Astrologist say.
My gf won't get the remote that's in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she'd be shopping already.
There's a new TV drama coming out starring Saddam Hussein it's going to be called "Soap on a Rope"
I gave my sister away at her wedding. I stood up & shouted "SHE USED TO BE A MAN!"
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
How do you open a banana safe? With a monkey. ^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^my ^^^^way ^^^^out.
(Ad for a baby)  gently used  can't even kill you  doesn't shed  poops on a learning curve  goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it's less cute when you realize it's all just bird murder practice.
Hey Dad? Can you sing me the Alphabet? Sure, "abcdefghiJK."
I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking "hey, can I see how you look?" is frowned upon.
I just invented a new catch phrase What's yer Rush Limbaugh? Get back to me immediately and tell me if you love it or just like it.
What did Darth Vader say to the vegetarian stormtrooper? "I find your lack of steak disturbing."
Two men have been arrested for stealing a calender.. They both got six months.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what the woman wants! Meanwhile she changed her mind.
A daughter goes to her Jewish father and asks for $20 The father replies "$10, what do you need $5 for?"
Why did the man throw duck food at Nurse Jackie? Because she was a quack.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I'm right.
Never judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.
I have the attention span of a... Have I ever told you how much I like porn?
I've never really heard a ginger joke... Got any?
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it's a sentient being with its own thoughts and desires
I wanted to tell a Lord of the Rings joke.... but all the good ones Aragorn
When someone tells me they're a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: "wow your parents must've yelled at you to do your homework a lot"
Magic Johnson is one positive individual.
A recent worldwide survey showed... A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 7,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
The woman who first decided that tights are pants should get the Nobel Peace Prize.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Now that Justin Timberlake is married he might as well take sexy back and exchange it for some sweatpants and a recliner.
My daughter wanted to be a princess... ...so I got divorced, married a horrible woman with three ugly kids, and left them all to it.
irony - Using words to mean the opposite of their literal meaning. ironey - Made of iron.
Did you hear the one about the dead guy? Neither did he
I wish "it's the thought that counts" worked for housework.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - T2 Barbie ...a study in silver
I'm sorry I punched you when you said "Facebook me". I thought you said "Face punch me".
A man walks in on his wife, an English professor, having sex with his buddy. Honey! How could you! Well.. I'm surprised! She responds: *I'm* surprised. *you* are *astonished*.
There's two things I hate. Hypocrisy and condescension. Do you understand what I mean?
If you're American when you go into the toilet, and Asian when you come out, what are you on the toilet? European!
A twelve year old girl finishes her bath in the Atlantic. She goes to her eight year old sister and starts a fight with her. And thus we have Ocean's Twelve vs. Hateful Eight.
I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page No pun in ten did
What's with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Everyone keeps telling me... Everyone keeps telling me "There are plenty of fish in the sea" and I keep telling them "NO way in hell, I am gonna fuck a fish"
What's brown and rhymes with snoop...? Dr Dre
A hobbit walks into a bar It was very low down.
*raises the bar 16 yrs later] Bar: even though you weren't my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad. *me trying not to cry
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never paid to have lentil on me.
How often does Mary see her special friend? Periodically.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
How do you castrate an Amish man? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you're now working at Subway. You're a submarine.
"Was that lightning?" No... they're taking pictures for google earth.
My inner man is a fabulous gay dude named Gary who loves pedicures and bon-bons.
How do you ruin a good joke? By posting it over and over on the same subreddit
The Russian Army Q: Ho  you Hld you -47 when running aay fro nuclea blast? A: On far stretched out hands coad, so the hot , fro the gun does not dip on s oned shoes!
Q:where do you see yourself in 5 years? A:I don't know i dont have 2020 vision All credit goes to /u/RegretDesi
"Knock Knock.", "Who's there?" I Eat Map
Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.
Why do people wear sleeveless shirts? They like to express the right to bear arms.
Did you hear about the basketball player that fell in love with a midget? He was nuts over her!
What do you call a mexican midget? a paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Dad.
Why are tennis equipment factories so loud? Because everyone's making a racket.
Junkie grandson : Grandma,grandma did you see my pills I left on the table ? Grandma: F*ck the pills,did you see those dragons in the kitchen ?
What do you call it when you keep wiping but brown still shows? The Trail of Smears
King George. One day George is going to be king, thats not bad going for some one who started at Asda.
Why did Katie Holmes divorce Tom Cruise? She heard he was in a few good men.
My favorite worst joke ever Two guys walk into a bar. One guy says, "Hey, Frank... I'm not feeling so good..." Then he falls to the ground, and he DIES! *Ehhhhhhh????*
If anyone's seen me at my best, and seen me at my worse, and still accepts me for who I am, it's definitely the liquor store.
My friends were deciding how much alcohol to get... One of them wanted one fifth and another one wanted to get five fifths. We decided on a 3/5ths compromise.
Crap. They didn't cancel this morning's meeting. I wore my suit to bed inside out for nothing.
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on? A Perch!
A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought... "Some asshole's got my pen"
I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.
[1st date] WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss? HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table* DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Why did the bait-shop owner take an apprentice ? He wanted to be a master-baiter.
HOW TO BEAT YOUR COMPUTER AT CHESS WITHIN 5 SECONDS: just set the difficulty to OBAMA.It will never come up with a strategy.
How much for the mirror? Ma'am that's the cover of Vogue
A black James Bond? Wouldn't work. He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
I ran into my X the other day. Now I have to get my bicycle repaired.
Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome! Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi. Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*
How do you find a British person in a crowd? 1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.
DATING TIP: Size does matter! Tell her how big your TV is.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I've accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me* "ROAR" whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this "GROWL" hmm "SHOUT" hmmm "YELL" hmmmmm "HOLLER" oh its a thesaurus"
Why can't Mexico beat the US in the Olympics? Because all their runners, jumpers and swimmers are already here.
What is the hardest part about eating vegetables? The wheelchair.
I just solved all my problems I just pretented it wasn't happening, and I instantly felt better.
Saudi Arabia Where you can get caught with marijuana and still get stoned.
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WA-TA!
How many dead babies can fit inside a Bio-dumpster? 16.
How long is a chinese name
Why did the parrot fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
What's green and smells like Ms. Piggy? The Boston Celtics
Do you sell hot dogs? Because you know how to make a wiener stand.
I came out of the gym the other day and someone asked me, "How have you got that body?" I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the boot and there she was."
"i like a woman that's loud in the bedroom" *wife smashes a bulldozer through the bedroom wall with 2 air horns blaring* "damn i love you"
Two Irish schoolboys... 1: Hey, Pat! What's the craic? 2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really? I thought you were only 15? 2: I am! 1: So what was it? Guiness? 2: No, it was water.
How do you spot will smith in the snow? Just look for the fresh prints.
A bear walks into a bar... And he goes up the barman, rests his elbows on the bar, and says "I'll have a pint... ... of beer please." And the barman says, "Why the big pause?"
What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? Both of them cost $100 and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed!
Where does a salmon go to deposit a check? To the river bank!
How many millennials does it take to change a light-bulb? One, but he has to create a safe-space where the light-bulb can go to avoid being offended that it's being replaced.
If pro is the opposite of con, then whats the opposite of progress? Congress
Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? There was de-brie everywhere.
Why did Burger King decide to partner with Dairy Queen instead of McDonalds??? Because she unwrapped his Whopper. I'm so sorry!!!
What do you call a gay Chocobo? A kweer.
Did you hear about the fish addicted to worms? He got hooked.
What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump 's tie
Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they are used to eating nuts!
NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs...
Never call a woman fat An elephant never forgets.
Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I've just always had a passion for making people feel bad
Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, "Wait a minute. I have that."
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
What's brown and sticky? My poster of Beyonce.
What did the lecherous Sufi say to the burkini fatso? Ouagadougou
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Threesome fun!!! I had planned a threesome, but there were two no shows. I still had fun though!!!
I love the concept of karma. It means all the people I've been fucking over and mistreating must of had it coming.
Haha Whats is a house without ears : anwser:homtydumty:}
What would you get if you crossed a dinosaur  with a pig? Jurassic pork!
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
You hear about these Islamic balloons? ... they blow themselves up.
*First Date Her: Why are we at Home Depot? Me: I wanted to see what it's like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I'm really impressed by both Kim Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner... Both women got famous by making a dick disappear.
"PS, I love you" -- Me to my PlayStation.
What do you call a Mexican baptism? Bean dip!
I bought my cat a box of wine... The selfish rascal only wanted to play with the box! Also, it turns out I have a serious drinking problem and no cat.
So this girl makes her own hummus. We're in different tax brackets I'm guessing.
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What's the difference between 6 inches and 12 inches? 6 inches makes you day but 12 inches can make your hole weak.
I like my woman how I like my books Leather-bound and broken spined.
My ex DM'd me to say I'm acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he's wrong.
Why does Donald Trump dislike trees? Because they're brown and don't speak English.
I once went out with a girl who worked with bees My friends said she was a keeper
Why don't ducks become doctors? They are afraid of accusations of quackery
I just got accused of "plagiarism" Their words not mine!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None. You don't need a light bulb when you have a glass ceiling
Religion is a lot like sex They've both destroyed just as many lives as they have created.
ME: I can understand why, it's so silky and luxurious. THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan. ME: Oh. I thought you said "satin."
If there are degrees of asshole, I'm the pressing the crosswalk button even after watching you do it because maybe you did it wrong kind.
#hashtag From the stoners who brought you "420" and "hella" comes the hot new game Hash Tag!! cause, i mean, come on...regular tag just isn't that fun.
How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs? He was delighted.
My mom said if I don't stop using reddit she will bang my head on keyboard But I know she will never do that because she loves medssxcvnklkjfsaarfscnnlknvdgjjbcfggukkfrhhvvvrrjbzddsazvbdwjjhguoiufde
I got arrested for saying "Hi!" to my friend Jack The Air Marshall doesn't screw around
What do Islamic McDonalds employees wear? A cheeseburka
I went to Africa and spoke with the people there... It just clicked.
[Next door dog barking] Me: *inserts earpugs* [Barking intensifies] Me: wtf................haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I don't get this joke A guy woke up after being frozen for 1000 years, someone asked how he felt and he said he was okay with an emphasis on the o
Kim Jong died. I guess you could say he was a little il.
what happens when you die? I've seen much scientific and spiritual literature researching and explaining what happens when people die. I've found that generally, they get put in the ground.
Did you hear about the murder mystery porno? In the end, everyone did it.
Explain joke What is a bee's favorite game? Hive and seek
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money "too dirty." He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
What is the cause of an increase in sexual desire in young men? Whore-moans
What did the female Supreme Court Marshall say when I visited her? [Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oyez)
There isn't such a thing as a communist school is there... They're all in classes?
My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
What kind of ears do trains have? Engineers (engine ears).
About 90% of people do not know the opposite of these words... Always Coming From Take Me Down
How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You hold the lightbulb and every politician screws you!
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] "Of course I do."
A guy told me he didn't have a penis I doubt he gets cocky often.
What is the only thing more permanent than a Sharpie marker? A STD.
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing!
They should hire people to stand in Times Square and yell "WALK FASTER!"
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I'll hold."
Little boy: "daddy, I want to be a Men's Rights Activist when I grow up" Dad: son, don't grow up to be an irritating wuss
Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
Pirate, land lubber Yarrrr, Why be it that land-lubbers are never confident? For they are always on shore...
If her age is on the clock then she's ready for the cock
If you believe in God, yet you can't believe it's not butter, then your faith needs to get its damn priorities straight.
*lives in a crumbling democracy on a slow terrible decline* hellll yes who just got two green lights in a row
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 shot up a school
doctor: "is there anything that runs in the family?" wife: "hm not really" me: "the dog jogs a lot"
A bomb goes off at Reddit Wow, this blew up!
My cat went missing, so I put up posters of myself that says... "If you're reading this, you better get your ass back home right now!"
I get a lot of compliments on my stamp collection but philately will get you nowhere.
Sign language is a pretty handy skill
The other day I found two gold bars. I've always dreamed of an Au pair.
Toy inventors make the best writers They have many novel ideas.
Just watched some Midget Wrestling. It was a short fight.
Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits! What you mean those square ones? Yes! The ones you put butter on? Yes! Oh You're Crackers!
Have your people call my people but keep in mind that my "people" are just stuffed animals with cordless phones glued to their necks.
Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry was *rear ended* this morning. Now I understand why he Walks This Way.
Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats The cops had nothing to go on
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Why do console gamers use their in game names in real life? They haven't got anti-aliasing.
Women are like rollercoasters... Fucking mental.
So, a squirrel walks into a bar- -k
What do we call of spill of the world's most abundant resource? A sunny day.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
What do calenders eat? Nothing. Calenders are inanimate objects that are used to keep track of the date and important events.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser. I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
why do indians hate snow? because it is white and on their land
Life is like a bed of roses. You just have to watch out for the pricks.
[out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Just once I'd like to yell, "Don't you know who I am?!" because I'm important, not because I'm drunk and actually forgot.
When someone describes themselves as a "foodie" I automatically assume they shit a lot.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie? "You mean MAY, not CAN" Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My wife has a book on homeopathy I've only read the blurb on the back, but I think I know everything I need to know about it.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich... After finishing his meal, he tries to pull out a gun, but the owner shoots him dead because he's seen this joke on /r/jokes a hundred times.
What do you call a strongheaded female rapper, and a flatulent Spanish woman? One's a Queen Latifah, and one's a Queef Latina.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Why was number 6 scared of number 7? Because 7 8 9!
So, how do you like your job as an elevator repairman? Meh, it has its ups and downs
My English professor had a colonoscopy... Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Did you hear about the stupid  Kamikaze pilot ? He flew 57 missions !
I just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven when I take a nap.
I was feeling a bit down today... So I breathed some helium. It picked me right up!
Whenever the wind gets bad... I think to myself, "It may be windy but at least its not sandy."
Good in bed? So I was asked by a girl recently if I was good in bed. My reply: "I know I'm good in bed because I'm always satisfied!"
Pregnancy I'm too smart to want children, but not smart enough to make *her* not want 'em.
Garbage day. When you find out which neighbors are drunks by how many bottles they throw out holy shit this one still has something in it.
People thought I was crazy when I said I was going to cure blindness. But they'll see. They'll all see!
How come Jews run the world? Because they dominate the gas industry
Did you hear about the salad who went missing? All they found were its chard romaines
I'm deathly afraid of elevators. I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
We all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but do you know why 9 is afraid of 6? Because she bit his dick last time
Guy walks into a bar Metal bar. Ouch
Are you getting older and wiser? No he's getting older and wider!
"son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?" "dad, don't you mean Nam?" "sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence"
Sorry, I'm using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I'm the Spare Queen All I know is how to make a mess and then make sense of it.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his coffee? He drank it before it was cool.
What do you call a Roman fighter with curly hair in his teeth? Gladiator. (Glad he ate her)
This year for Lent, I'm giving up
When someone asks me where I see myself in 5 years... I dunno...I don't have 2020 vision.
People who pronounce didn't as."dih-in't" please doh-on't.
what did the depressed monkey say when his tail went through the lawnmower? It won't be long now...
Where did the terrorist go after the explosion? Everywhere..
Man, speaking (in heavy Scottish accent) to policeman, "But, officer, it said laddies on the door."
I'm German and Jewish. I hate myself
Beefy right wing joke The maniacal right wing, cow-worshipping saffron brigade in India...is it true they never hold a beef against someone?
what is a ghosts favorite lunch meat? Boo-loney :D
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They both come while you're sleeping
To watch a reality show about a restaurant is to realize how much chef's head-sweat you've eaten in your life.
They say sex after marriage is not the same. My sex life is like the Olympics! Happens once every four years, costs me lots of money, &amp; there's usually a big fight afterward.
What does earth say to the other planets? You have no life
Enter new password <glovebox> Must contain number <glovebox1> Must contain PHONE number <no> Please ;) <no u creep> Password not recognized
Did you hear about the woman who got those wooden breast implants? It would make for a good punchline, wooden tit?
So I was at a book store the other day and I saw a Vietnamese cookbook... It was called "How to Wok Your Dog".
The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w "Here's somethin for ya!" as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere
Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.
I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? because 7 is a registered sex offender.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate. I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that's iffy
She's like a cat. I don't mean in bed, she just ignores me
My friend tells me he gets 20 times more bitches than me I told him: u get no bitches because 20*0=0 :(
You've failed history again ! Well you always told me to let bygones be bygones !
When they announced Ashley Madison was made up of almost all guys... I realized the internet really is a series of tubes.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A CARROT
When you're enjoying your Chow mein.. ..but you miss your dog.
Why does the NSA hate the winter? They got snowed in.
Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december? The specific ocean.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I'm taking the door to prom
in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played "in the end" by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off
Sockets What did one socket say to the other? Stay grounded.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope's tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'? A miscarriage! This joke never gets old, just like the baby!
A double amputee has escaped from the mental asylum I wouldn't worry too much, he's armless.
Christianity One woman's affair which got out of hand.
My ceiling fan has three setting: - very slow - slow - I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
Why couldn't Snape be a Herbology teacher? Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.
What is the collective noun for a group of depressives? A melancolony
I wanted to make a joke about a Russian airplane... ...but it'll probably get shot down
How you heard about the new bad breath removal strategy? They call it the tic-tac tactic.
Why do indegionous people dislike snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
Do you hear about the 2 Irish gays? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.
If Trump Becomes President the rates of people getting fired per day will increase exponentially.
Shopping with girlfriend, she says, "let's go down this aisle." Me - K. Why? Her - It's a surprise. Me - K. Why? Her - Just grab that. *points* Me - K. Why? Her - KY. Me - K... Her - Y.
What is the origin of black jewish people? The oven.
Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We'll tell you about it in 2 days. - Local News
A man shot himself in the head at an NRA sponsored NASCAR event... while the GOP shot themselves in the foot on the NRA sponsored gun bill. (Jokes for the week of 4/13-4/19 @fridayupdate on twitter.)
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar* Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Infidel. It's where I want to be, thanks to my fetish for Cuban politicians.
What do they call a meeting among the most  brilliant people in Burger Land? A MEATing of the minds!
Reddit is like cancer it's much bigger than you thought.
Gym Joke A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls. The instructor replied,"the atm"
What's 18 inches, stiff and makes girls cry all night? Cot death
Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me... I thought it was a nice jester...
An avocado-wife is giving her husband the silent treatment Husband: "I said you were the good kind of fat!"
What does R. Kelly tell little girls on Halloween? Urine for a treat!
Gypsy marathon: runs to a lake, swims, bikes back
Ordering a cake over the phone "And what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "Honey, do we want a talking cake?"
You get an ark! You get an ark! You get an ark! You get an ark! You get an ark! You get an ark! -Noahpra
What's a feminist's favorite rapper? Feminem
My friend told me "the first stage is grief" "Isn't it denial?" I replied. "No, not for me"
Did you hear about the happy Roman? He was glad-he-ate-her
Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908 In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871.
What is Newton's fifth law of motion? If you run around a tree at the speed of light you can literally fuck yourself.
I've just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants..... Feefiphobia
"Tim's coming tonight" "Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?" [in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
What did baby corn say to mumma corn? Where's popcorn?
The janitor's union called for sweeping reforms.
What does a Boko Haram terrorist become after getting his throat slit? Boko Halal.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
I thought about going to a psychic, but then I started having doubts and changed my mind At that moment I received a text message that said "Well, that's too bad"
I am a feminist. Unless you tell me to go and bring you a sandwich. I'm also a waitress.
There once was a man from Nantucket... who didn't know what a limerick was.
I can tell by the way you give me instructions that you've dealt with a lot of dumb people before me.
The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).
shops have changed so much. In my day you could go in with a pound and get a bag of crisp and a magazazine now days they have cameras
"I just can't control myself around you" - Me talking to a homemade batch of cookies
My black friend was told he couldn't run in the boston marathon Bunch of racists.
Just remember ...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
How was the red sea made? Over a very long period
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
What do you call alcohol in a birdbath? Tequila Mockingbird!
In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on
The Rocky Mountains Ever since Colorado passed amendment 64, legalizing marijuana, there have been talks of renaming the Rocky Mountains to the Stoney Mountains.
How is it that magic carpets are able to fly? They are powered by turban engines.
We're expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.
I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum ..and I was still worried! It never kicked in!
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It's basically everywhere now.
Olive Garden waitress begins to freshly grate cheese onto my salad. I never say when. Room fills with parmesan. No one survives.
Where did the drug addict keep his food and dishes? The potry
The worst thing you can be is gullible My friend told me that means you're prone to random attacks by seagulls
Don't send vague texts to girls unless you want them read and analyzed by 7 other girls.
2 peanuts were walking down a dark alley one was assaulted
If I had a dollar for every gender I could possibly be... I'd have $2.00.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist] ...But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
A Mosquito landed on my wife's face... Easiest decision of my life.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled "fountain of youth" right next to him.
How far do burgers go in school? Through cowlege (then they get their 450 degrees!).
What do pirates call fat whores? LAND HO!
Why can't a T-rex clap? Because there extinct.
It's weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn't show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they
What's black and hard? Cast iron.
Sleep tight! And if you should die before you wake -- did you clear your browser history?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse's mistakes WILL shorten it...
Why does Santa come only once a year? (Its not the chimney one) Because it's all his sack can handle
An Italian classics professor... ...goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"
I had a friend who thoroughly hated music... He left no tone unspurned.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick strawberries.
Why'd the seaman cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock that day.
Guys, if you are ever watching Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me  for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!
I would like to think money won't change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Patient: Doctor what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points? Doctor: Sell!
Welcome to the jungle. My name is Axl Rose. I think you'll find we run a pretty good jungle here. There's the toilet *points everywhere*
What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so? "Curses, foiled again!"
What happened after Hitler dyed his hair blonde? He became a Super Aryian.
Apple was going to make a smaller version of the ipod touch for kids, until they realized the name iTouch Kids wasnt an acceptable name.
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Why do men float? 'Cause they're all scum.
"This is gonna be so awful, and everyone's least favorite, yet .0001 of the population will keep it in demand." - Inventor of licorice
What's the difference between George Michael and Carrie Fisher? Two days.
Why can't you put two dicks in one condom? Because it's too hard...
How many ears does Daniel Boone have? He's got a right ear, a left ear, and a frontier.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"  - I said "Dust!"
[love making] Her: [leans in] "do that thing you know I like." [i cease to exist] Her: "yeah baby."
I'll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Why are redditors American? Because they always \*tip\*.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile I told her that's an awfully big word for a ten year old
How many cops does it need to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They both can smell it, but they can't eat it
Just saw a bug change its mind about going into a McDonalds.
What is the opposite of progress? [](/colgatereally)Congress.
Did you hear about the zombie that went vegan? He called his decision a no-brainer
Pedophiles like their wine like they like their girls 9 years old and locked up in the basement
A met a girl with 12 nipples Sounds weird. Dozen tit?
I think I have a premature ejaculation problem it seems to come out of nowhere.
Good jokes What did the doctor say to the airplane that has canser? It's terminal.
Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
I had a good Jeremy Clarkson joke... But I forgot the punchline... Then it hit me!
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.
Did you know a man gets run over by a car in New York City every five minutes? Whoa, he should really get out of the road!
I always found the movie "The Exorcist" confusing... It made my head spin.
Doctor Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts and here... it hurts and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?  You staple food to the ceiling.
Restaurant Hostess: "Sorry about the wait." Me: "It's okay, you don't need to apologize for being overweight."
I don't know why everyone is suddenly talking about Twerking... My mate from Yorkshire has been doing it for years. As he says, it's how he gets t'money t'pay t'bills.
There's a black guy in my family tree... He's hanging in the backyard.
What's the most awkward U.S state? O....Hi!.....o.....
Two guys walk in to a Bar First Guy orders an H2O. The Other Guy orders H2O too. The Other Guy dies.
Today's date: 4/9/16 2 squares/3 squares/4 squares 4/9/16
What do you call a joke about oral sex? Pun-ilingus.
I retweet to avoid any awkward silences between tweets.
Did you hear about the guy who swam the English Channel with no arms or legs? They call him... *'clever dick!'*
Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing? To get some fresh air
I just saw Avatar and I've got one thing to say: Blue Man Group ROCKED!
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person's hand through the interview. If you don't get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide!
What is Vladimir Putin's favourite drink? White Russian, Straight
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
What's the difference between a Bull Dyke and a Bull Elephant? ...about 100lbs and a flannel shirt
[g/friends dad] "who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?" Me - [say a real name say a real name] "Football Man"
So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened... It just didn't make scents.
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups? Because the border says "No TRESpassing"
So a police officer is called out to the scene where a Mercedes is wrapped around a tree, He said "Well, I guess that's the way the Mercedes Benz"
What kind of grass do cows like most? It's a moot point!
My dentist offered to give me dentures for only a dollar. It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.
I put Red Bull in the hummingbird feeder. I'm pretty sure I just saw one go back in time...
coding humor 1 +1 ___ =10
I went to the doctor's office the other day And he told me, "you've got to stop masturbating so furiously." I responded, "why, doc?" He angrily responded, "because, I'm TRYING to examine you."
Someone stole a kitchen utensil from my house He said it was a whisk worth taking
Just heard on the news about the 1993 luggage murder. Apparently the police are reopening the case
What do you call a fake noodle? ...*dramatic pause*... An imPASTA!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov "will be ruthlessly hunted down." He added, "It's cheaper than paying them"
Imo everyone should consider organ donation Ahhh actually I've had a change of heart
Armageddon... ...tired of all these Rapture jokes.
I'm celebrating 200 years of the buffalo. It's the bison-tennial!
Profanity is unnecessary and fucking stupid.
What is a Minnesotan's favorite state to vacation in? It's Alaska, don'Juneau.
Recent studies have shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
What do you call a group of 8 hobbits? a hobbyte Cortana told me that joke
Girl, if you got any hotter you'd be so earth-shatteringly hot the ground would split & we'd burn to death in molten lava. That would suck.
Whats the difference between a woman and a plate? You can lick a plate dry
Two blondes are in geography class together... One asks the other "Which is closer, London or the moon" The other replies "The moon, obviously, can you see London?"
I once dated a girl who got in a car accident and lost her whole left side. Shes all right now.
Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind. I shouldn't spread it.
I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.
Kadala of Diablo 3
When does it Rain Money? When there's a change in the weather.
Who has a higher recycling rate than a recycling plant? r/Jokes
I would never let my kids watch the orchestra, too much sax and violins.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"
Why do I hear noises? (Teacher) "With all this talking I assume you are done with your work" (Student) "And with all this complaining I assume you're single"
A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."
Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed? The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out
if my mother-in-law was an actress, she'd be the star of The Cunt for Red October.
What did the elephant say to the famous  detective ? It's ele-mentary my dear Sherlock !
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman naked? The Dark Knight Rises.
My dog said "woof" so I said "woof" & now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I wonder what will be bigger The video games of the future or the average Tumblr user
Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he started it. Trying to get into small pants.
Paula Deen reportably has type 2 diabeties. Any word on she's serving it with butter?
Got any spare change? No, Im an athiest. Can you give me a hand? No, Im an athiest. Hows the weather? Sorry, Im an athiest. - Athiests
real men.. [twitches uncontrollably] don't hi- ["real man" skin suit falls off revealing fake man who was the one doing bad stuff all along]
If I was an origami penguin, where would I hide?
How did the aquarium win the battle? Giant Fish Tanks.
Michael Phelps won his 21st olympic gold medal. You could say he's swimming in them!
Can a ninja throw a star? Shur-he-can!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn't have died out if they'd built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
What do you do with a sick boat? Take it to the dock.
"Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?" "No, flush it like everyone else"
What do you call a sudden fart? An institute.
Did you hear the one about the dude who married an exhibitionist? He saw his wife flash before his eyes.
Chick Peas and everyone wants to watch.
BARNES: "What if it wasn't just empty cabinets?" NOBLE: "Let's sell books!" AND: "This is why we make such a great team."
What do you call a dog with no legs and brass balls? Sparky
Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend. Me: Thanks but I'd rather not hear about your sex life.
Some people call it anal bleaching, but I prefer to call it changing my ring tone.
Roses are red... Our flag is too Raise your hand to the sky And gas all the jews
A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home... She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen" He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread
Do you know why I hate drinking with blind people? They can't handle their booze and always black-out.
Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"
Two mods walk into a bar... [deleted]
What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates...
Why couldn't the man be bothered to look at the origami mountains? *because it was pay-per view.* "paper view"
I have a hotmail email account. But don't worry, I use it ironically.
Give a man fire and he'll be warm for a day... Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My friend and I tried to start an erectile dysfunction club... ...but it flopped and nobody came.
A Horse Walks Into A Bar And the bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family"
What did the diligent whore get for Christmas? lots and lots of karma
M&amp;Ms should change their packaging. They should make it a white wrapper.
What's black and white and red all over? Michael Jackson falling down the stairs.
I've been happily married for four years -out of a total of 10.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
"Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her." "Ummm, what?" "Trust me, the kids will love it."
A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in "I want to be a history major," he says. The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"
How do you call a man without a body and a nose? Nobody knows. Sorry if it is a repost
Why do ladies prefer 77 over 69? Because it's eight more.
I don't usually make anal sex jokes... ...butt fuck it
Winter is a lot like Justin Bieber. It was cute and exciting in the begining, but now its a bit annoying and it should probably just stay in Canada.
*put cooked chicken in oven* *offer to cook date dinner* *put raw chicken in oven* *immediately pull out cooked chicken* *keep eye contact*
Tell me a sick joke Whatever type of 'sick' humor - gross, racist, etc. All is fair on this thread.
"Mommy all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?" "No of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."
Q: Why did the computer squeak? A: Someone stepped on the mouse.
The Clippers are gonna be bought by the former CEO of Microsoft. Apparently he's looking for something to occupy himself while Windows is installing "critical updates."
What do you call a belt made of clocks? A waist of time
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office.
What did one orphan say to the other? "Robin, get in the Batmobile."
if im being ridiculed online, i will not hesitate to post a photo of a gun. is it my gun? maybe i just googled it. you gonna take that risk?
Have you heard of the artist Jackson Polyp? He could only paint with splatters and he hung out with some real assholes.
Guy asks his friend: "I heard you were out til 5 am last night. You must have been partying pretty hard?" Friend: "Did you just assume my bender?!"
Did you hear about the new Drake Beats Headphones? The softest headphones out there.
This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn't buy him candy & now she's yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.
3 cars back at the Burger King drive thru gives you a devastating amount of time to consider your missteps.
Did you hear about the truck that spilt concrete across the road? It wasn't cement to happen.
Why did the carpenter's wife leave him? He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.
I hate when I press 1 for English and still get an Indian person.
I asked my boyfriend if I brought Joy to his life... "Yes," he said. "I knew it," I said, "That backstabbing bitch!"
What did one banana say to another banana? I find you a-peeling
Yo momma is so fat She's dead.
Why was Saint Peter so good at basketball? He denied Jesus 3 times
Humpty Dumpty had a good Summer... But he had a *great* Fall!
A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots. "Crap, that wasn't Will."
I try to tell good jokes... ...but they always come out a little funny.
"When I think of you, there are some capital gains in my pants." - sexy accountant pickup lines
The average married couple has sex 68 times a year. I should be pretty busy the next couple weeks.
What do you call 100 blondes standing ear  to ear? A wind tunnel!
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] "gnocc gnocc-" waiter: "who's there? haha" me: "this isn't a joke son"
Why Asians are good at everything? Because they're Asians, not Bsians
cried at the dentist today but at least they thought it was because of them
What is the rudest part of the body? The privates. They're either dicks or cunts.
*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese* *Fails to see holes in plan*
A lady friend asked me back to her place to chat about conspiracy theories... Orwell, you know.
What type of grapes to Indians like? Gangrapes Edit: do*
How many Google plus users does it take to change a lightbulb ? All of them actually . Two to hold the ladder and one to change the lightbulb .
I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.
My new Toyota is going to featured in a film! They call it a Camryo.
Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals? They would run out of black ink
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
What did socialists use before candles? Light bulbs.
What do you call a truck with only five Mexican passengers? Under capacity
What is the difference between Harry potter and jews? Harry potter made it out if the chamber
I like my coffee like I like my women. . . from the corner of the street and I'm not willing to pay more than $2.40
How did the black guy get his pilot's license? He went to flight school, you racist bastards.
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ? Because they mess up the whole house !
When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper "We can make it look like a suicide" and wink
"It's a bird! It's a plane!" - my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb 2 to turn the ladder and 17 to be on the guest list.
I've heard making the perfect salad can be pretty difficult... Not exactly **rocket** science though, is it?
My old man got admitted to a psychiatric hospital today. He had set up a traffic detour through his house. I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there.
How are hanging upside-down and getting a boner alike? All the blood goes to your head.
What's the best time of the day? 6:30... *hands down*
I used to be dyslexic but now I'm KO
what you call a Chinese man with a camera? Phil ming
There's a bizarre irony to jokes about Ebola going viral.
What is Hannibal Lecter's favorite Jane Austen quote? **"There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart."**
[speed dating] *girl sits down* "hi im melan- QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE "wha- CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
Why does carbon monoxide smell like fjbsjko
What's the difference between an Elephant and a post box? Well, if you don't know I'm definitely not asking you to mail this letter for me.
Did you hear about the joke about the 3 wells? Well Well Well
Having a sexual fetish for shirts is wrong... The bible says "Adam and Eve", not "penis in the sleeve"!
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
In Soviet Russia ... the Government owns the Corporations.
Nerdiest joke I know. I'd tell you a joke about UDP packets, but I'm not sure you'd get it.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent. Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.......
What do boxes breathe? Boxygen
When people ask me why I got into drumming I always tell them it's because really enjoy beating off in front of crowds
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Dear Kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Love, Julian Assange - *WikiLeaks*.
What are all sports in Africa called? The hunger games
How does a ghost eat a hotdog? By goblin it. Sorry
I chose not to act when a bunch of pinnipeds gatecrashed my outdoor party. I sealed my own fete.
Q: Why won't a bike stand up by itself? A: It's two tired.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb ? Not three, my basement is still dark.
How do redditors get their water? From a well, actually
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.
I wanted to make a lame pun thread about fish. But its not the right time or plaice.
Why aren't there any asprins in the jungle? The parrots-eat-em-all.
Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill  Clinton wishes he had? A: A mandate to govern.
Why are shopaholics so hard to help? They can be very "clothes"-minded about the problem.
NSFW My friend told me how much she hated sucking dick. I said I've never done it so I can't felate.
Washed up Yo mama is just like yo mama jokes, washed up and old.
A priest checks into a Hyatt... A priest checks into a Hyatt. Asks the front desk, "Is the porn channel disabled?" Guy at the front desk replies, "No, you sick fuck. It's regular porn."
A man asks god... Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?" God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?" God:"So she would love you."
I'm not going to heaven because I'm afraid of heights.
Santa claus may only come once a year... But when he does he does it, on Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
Board Game 10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO! Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming* 10: *laughing* OMG! Me: What?
Women are like bathrooms stalls.... ....they're all dirty, except the handicap ones -Jim Jeffries
start out every morning with positive thoughts then put them in a pile and light them on fire to speed shit up
If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping... It's in tents.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door] "TRICK OR TREAT!" You kids are in for a real treat... *slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
What soft drink do pigs like best? Root beer.
It's a great time to be a horse caretaker in this economy Stable jobs are hard to come by these days.
Kangaroo 911: What's your emergency? Kangaroo: I CAN'T FIND MY CHILDREN Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets? Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
The Orgasm Time Machine A coming of age story.
I used to be an Uncle like you... ...Until I took an arrow to the niece.
I like to play chess with old men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Me: We need to hire smarter people. HR: Why? Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this? HR...
What do making love in a canoe and Budweiser have in common? Both are fucking close to water.
I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed... ... Number 14 shocked me.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself? me: It was on sale for $4 friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I cried when my dad chopped up onions for his sandwich.. Onions was always my favorite dog...
I pay a monthly membership fee that lets me think about going to a gym.
I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas. He couldn't find the right words to thank me.
Hey girl, are you a group of integrable functions? because I would love to find the area under those curves
"All the single ladies... All the single ladies... All the single ladies..." - list of girls who wouldn't talk to me in high school
(A math joke.) What did the acorn say when it grew up? Gee, I'm a tree.
I'm single by choice Not my choice though, every girl I've ever asked out's choice.
Son: Dad, I just had sex. Dad: Good job son, sit down, we need to talk about something. Son: I can't.
My long-term goal is to change the world, so I step on a lot of butterflies.
There's no I in you. Yet.
Why are giraffes slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Breaking News: Uncovered Nazi documents reveal a cure for cancer was found An oven..
If my girlfriend caught me telling a sexist joke, she'd get really... emotional
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a supermodel? Nothing if her husband knows what's good for him!
How long does it take to eat a tire? *A Goodyear*
I'll never be able to clean my house faster than when someone texts saying they're coming over.
Why do fat people like games ? Because they're unfamiliar with the gym.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Baron ! Baron who ? Baron mind who you're talking to !
Vegetarian: 'You know, a cow died so you could have that burger'. Me: 'Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food'.
I use to be addicted to the Hokie Pokie.... but I turned myself around.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
The first question aliens will ask our leaders is why that peanut is wearing a top hat and monocle.
Every time Mila Kunis comes on my TV I do too
"What did you do today, mommy?" "I invented names, like 'Grand Theft Anal' and 'Mortal Cumbath" on Twitter, and you?"
I tried to steal a didgeridoo from a museum... I didgeri-shouldn't-have-done-that. 3 years....
My wife and i decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard...
My dad caught me sniffing at my sister's underwear ...while she was still wearing it. Everyone in the funeral couldn't believe what they were seeing
Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade? There were too many vets.
Know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.
You know what's odd? Numbers not divisible by 2.
What is a Mafia enforcer's favorite game? Whack-A-Mole
"Sensitive" guys who only retweet chicks, you're not fooling anyone.
I do all my addition in my head. It's the thought that counts.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? You wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on your face.
What is a Thai person's finishing fight move. Bangkok.
What vegetables do plumbers hate the most? Leeks
A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?
What is a pirate's favourite letter? He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he's a fan of anti-jokes.
Dogs are all "huh?" while cats are all "ugh."
I saw an advert that read: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.
How do they launch a champagne factory? They throw a boat at it.
A photon checks into a hotel... The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and the photon replies "No. I'm travelling light."
How did Hitler pick up Jewish girls? With a dustpan...
What's the difference between a man's balls and Jehovah's Witnesses? There's none. They both knock on the door, but never goes in!
My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas... I think this time, we should let them in...
What's 18 inches long, and makes a woman scream the entire night? Her dead baby.
What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.
[NSFW] Next time you're constipated, just watch Fox News or CNN. They bother the shit out of everyone.
How do you kill a poet? Give them real self confidence.
Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants. Everyone heard you leaving.
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again." Trump 20:16
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My sister is a 13 on the pH scale. She's basic but can't even.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I always sleep naked. I don't care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
You're like a brand new pencil pointless
So apparently when a woman asks what you're looking for in a relationship, "a way out" isn't the right answer.
Sometimes when I'm down on life, I think to myself... "At least I'm not addicted to crack." And then I feel alot better about myself.
Give someone fire and they'll be warm for a day. Throw someone into fire and they'll be warm for the reat of their life.
Why are there ants on my toilet seat? Because of my sweet ass.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil. Worked a treat. Got me twenty years.
I was going to tell you this joke about Matthew Shepard... ...but I'm kind of on the fence about it.
Q: What's red and really bad for your teeth? A: A brick.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick down your girlfriend's throat.
Woman always call me ugly until I tell them how much money I earn Then they call me both ugly and poor
Math and sex... sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply
Probably already been done but... What is wrong with a humorless person? A broken funny bone. I'll leave now.
What is Italian-American foreplay? "Hey! Wake up and roll over!"
What do you get if you cross a phone with a mouthwash? Tele-Scope.
Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter time? Cuz they'll get chapped lips. Brr.
I don't know why people use odorless deodorant It makes no scents!
If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don't freak out. I'm just jamming out to Eminem.
So these two blind men tried to start a glasses business, but they were always arguing... ...guess they couldn't see each others vision.
I can't pull a rabbit out of a hat. But I can pull a hair out of my ass.
You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.
What do music producers eat for breakfast? Fruity Loops
Stop calling me a Karma Whore I'm a Karma Escort.
I'm not saying my wife's a fat,...... I'm not saying my wife's a fat, greedy bitch, but she's just cleaned the cooker with two fucking slices of bread.
If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.
Why can't ghosts have sex? Because they have Halloweenies
LPT: Always know what subreddit you are posting in
Why did the USA invade Panama? Just 'Cause
I'm shocked that not one dairy farmer in Israel has thought to call his company "Cheeses of Nazareth"!
What do you call an Italian suppository? Innuendo.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don't really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison? One can't see to go the other can't go to sea.
Why do women watch porn films until the end? To see if they get married.
So Jesus... Walks in to a hotel, with a hand full of nails and a hammer in the other...and asks "Can you put me up for the night ?"
My girlfriend gave me a handjob yesterday... and told me "My God, your penis is huge!" I replied, "You're pulling my leg!"
"There's a horse in my leg?! Why are you taking out my Adam's Apple? What's wrong with my nose?"- Guy from 'Operation'
The reason my jokes are so funny is because I have
What do you call a group of white people sitting on the bench? A basketball team.
Macbeth.docx That's a play on word
Guys, always let the ladies finish first. It's just common coitusey.
What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow balls
I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented me on the way I had cooked his steak. "Well done" is rare from a medium.
[Blue whale documentary] This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day. Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I'm kind of a foodie.
Why don't Indians eat baguette? Because there's naan there.
What is it called when a reptile loses its tail? Ereptile Dysfunction
When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.
What is a pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty.
Politicians are like diapers.... They must be changed often and for the same reason.
What did the spanish soccer announcer invest in? **GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD**
Me: I heard you like men with a huge collection of words that they know and can say. Her: A vocabulary? Me: A what?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it's been taken out.
Got a big audition coming up that requires me to tell a good school appropriate joke. I have plenty of jokes, none of them school appropriate. I thought I'd come here for help.
New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
What do you call a frozen Communist? A hammer and pop-sickle
Did you hear about the gay Russian knight? His name was Sergei.
GF asked me where I learned Kama Sutra Told her I studied a broad.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we're both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter. Blame GROCO PCA
Rap is 75% Crap
Jon Snow contracted malaria after getting stabbed... "How did you get malaria from a stab?" "Malaryan Steel."
In light of recent events... Killing 50 people isn't hard when they're all in the closet.
What's a pirates favorite letter? You would think it's the r.... But it's really the c 
I have a friend that's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.
What do you call a Jewish person who is suicidal? A Yamikaze.
Reddit, I see your sick jokes and raise you sickipedia.org a huge database of sick jokes
Roses are red... Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have alzheimers ...cheese on toast.
Thanks God for Fast food! Lucky for us we do not have to hunt our own food, because I don't have the slightest idea where the hot dogs live.
How do you describe every gf in one word? K
Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back. Will: Pity it's not on her head.
What do you call a bad circumcision? A rip off. (Da da tshhh)
I think the world of you! (Polluted, poor, generally prone to disaster.)
If you ever need some really poor grammar I'm you're guy
"Every family on 2013 had 'quite the year'." - study conducted using Christmas newsletters
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Why is football the single best sport? Because americans don't play it.
why do black people only have nightmares? the only one ever to have a dream was shot.
"You thinkin what I'm thinkin?" "That we should dance our way out of this street fight?" "Wait what?" "No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8."
Psi walks into a bar And says to the owner "Such a nice unit you have here, totally on a different scale"
[torturing terrorist] [plays EDM] [beat rises] [beat keeps rising] [beat rises endlessly] Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I'LL TELL U ANYTHING
I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.
Why don't they allow lesbians to play baseball? When they get to third base they think they've scored
The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels
"This is your captain speaking" "AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
I want to listen to the audiobook of The Qur'an. Can someone please burn me a copy? Seriously, folks...
Say you're being attacked by a circus mob. What's the best strategy? Go for the juggler.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My uncle knew the exact moment when he was going to die, down to the last second. Isn't that amazing? The judge told him
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
How does grandma's chairlift work? It has to do with nanatechnology.
What do you call a bad joke about prostitutes? Whorrible.
It's OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I'm a sex attic too.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!! (someone date me please)
How do you make the Wicked Witch of the West kill herself? Challenge her to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.
Why couldn't Bach be a rapper? Because he's Baroque.
A man had to visit a hospital after inserting five toy horses up his anus... ... the doctors described his condition as stable.
Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering whether or not there really is a dog.
So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys.. But you didn't like it.
what's big, black and looks good on a lawyer's neck? a doberman
What breed will Donald Trumps dog be if he wins the election? A Border Collie
I don't know what Germany's favorite letter is but I can definitely tell you it's... Not C.
I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it -- everyone on the carousel freaked out.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
A nervous mountaineer looks at the steep mountain... Which his guide had proposed to climb. - Do people tumble down often here? - No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done! I didn't do any of it. But I certainly had the opportunity.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it's obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman... But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become president.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani? Me: Thanks! It's Febreze. I just took a dump.
Why do buddhist make bad vacuum salesman? They can't deal with attachments.
What do you call a group of Idiots? Congress
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey wanna go ride bikes?
What's a frog's preferred fastener? Rivet.
Once a man went to a resturant and ordered  an egg. When it was brought he didn't liked it so he informed the  waiter that the egg was bad. Came the reply: "I don't lay egg sir I just lay table !"
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow
Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.
Dear Google, It's *You're,not "Your" https://gyazo.com/96cc1d47896deae8c436aa8afb56f36b
Did you hear about the refuse collector in Pakistan who died after carrying too much rubbish? He was Bin Laden.
Tonight I saw a truck spin out in a snowy McDonalds parking lot, and honestly it was doing a much better job of being president.
Sometimes I make up raps about the mortgage brokers and escrow officers I work with in case one of these mother fuckers tries to battle me.
Red sky at night shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning... Your barn's on fire.
What kind of street does a ghost like best? A dead end.
2 flies are sitting on a piece of poop, one cuts a fart; what did the other one say? Hey come on, I'm eating here!
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.
I'd like to personally invite Conan to bring his entire show to Nebraska. We can work out details later.
What did the pea say to the peanut? At least you got one nut, I don't see what you're crying about.
A creepy man is dragging a little girl into the woods. \- "I'm scared, I'm scared!!" she's crying. \- "Stop crying. You think it's easy for me, ha?! The way back I'll have to do by myself."
How does a gay guy fake an orgasm? He spits on *your* back!
What do you call an Irishman who sits on the porch all year round? Patty O'Furnature
Budweiser is like sex on the beach... It's fucking close to water
If you're cold, stand in the corner It's usually 90 degrees
Did you hear about the commemorative gun they're making in honor of the democrat party and president Obama? It's called the union worker You'll over pay It never works And you can't fire it
It's ok to leave a client with split ends if you're a hairdresser. But not if you're a mohel!
If we could put bread in a particle collider... We could discover new quarks and glutons.
Why did the elephant take off his socks at the golf course? He got a hole in one.
God made Heaven and Earth The rest made in China
Why did only 2 Mexicans cross the border? The sign said "No Trespassing" (TRES-Passing)
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
You guys! I just realized I've been holding my moral compass upside down this whole time.
Why did the wee duck hide in the cupboard and give the other wee fuck a fright? For the quak
An atheist, christian, and a scientologist walk into a bar. The atheist and christian then beat the ever living shit out of the scientologist for being so damn stupid.
A guy says to his wife "why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm?" She replies, "I don't like ringing you at work."
Why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones? He wanted to buy stock options.
What do you call a police officer standing on dog poop? On duty
Did you hear about that proctologist who became an English teacher? Did you hear about the proctologist who became and English teacher? He specializes in teaching analogies.
How do you surprise a blind man? Stick a plunger in the toilet
Be the change you wish to see in the world. -Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson
Why did the turtle cross the road? ...to get to the Shell station.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We're like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other? A caterpillar
What did the power ranger-turned-addict say? It's morphine time!
What do you call a canine that lives at the beach? A hot dog.
I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder... ... just send them to concentration camps.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars? ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
patiently explainin to a 5yr old that night lights only mean u will SEE the monster as it rips u apart.. that sometimes not knowin is better
I heard Reddit opened its own restaurant... The food is great, but the servers are always down.
Where do tv's go on vacation? To remote Islands
Knock Knock Knock, Knock. Who's there? Horton. Horton, who? Horton Hears A Who.
What do you call an anthropomorphic car that's attracted to itself? Autosexual.
What did the farmer say to Pat Sajak? I'd like to buy an owl
A woman was battered over breakfast ...it was waffle :(
If we are a country committed to free speech then why do we have phone bills?
What did the photographer say when he retired? "I can't take it anymore!"
A young couple are in bed for the very first time The guy asks " Are you nervous?"--- "Yes " she says.--- "Is this your first time?"--- "No, i've been nervous before"
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
What do thesauruses eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls.
What`s the definition of eternity? The time between when you come and when she leaves.
Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right? Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.
I heard politicians don't have toilets. They just shit into microphones.
How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb? (fixed) 100. 1 to change it and 99 to stand around and complain about how they coulda done a better job.
[announcement over PA at work] "FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM" *I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone's eyeglasses*
Did you hear pooh bear went gangsta? He doesn't even give a bother.
A blind man walks in to a fish shop and says "Hello there lady s"
What do you have to use to check a test on Telemarketing? A Scamtron.
How did Jared lose all that weight eating at Subway? He just ordered off the children's menu.
How do we know that God isn't a woman? Because we're not all sandwiches
What did the terrorist say when he woke up? It was Allah dream.
It's not so much that I love karate as it is that I hate boards.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I loaned my friend $15K for plastic surgery... And now I don't know what he looks like.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I'm not doing too bad.
Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I'm done, he's natural selections problem now.
Why don't pc gamers get laid Because they're micro-soft
A redhead girl, an Asian girl and a blonde girl are in 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest? The Asian of course, she's 10 years old.
Why shouldn't you take your clothes off while riding the elevator? It could get you an in descent exposure charge.
How do stories from Justin Biebers early childhood begin? "A few months ago
I've dedicated my entire life to getting prostitutes off the streets For an hour or so each day.
I hate people who take drugs... ...such as the police and customs officers.
[NSFW] Its a good thing your vagina has a sense of humor... ...otherwise it wouldn't be able to take this joke.
They don't even serve apples at Applebee's. Or bees.
Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day. Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns. Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins. Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.
I saw a unicorn today. Okay fine, I saw a girl who ate her food without Instagramming it first. Same thing.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine
Why should you slow down to let another car move into your lane? good karma.
how are bi planes different from regular planes? a lot of them have a wide open cockpit.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penisLADDER I MEANT LADDER
If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese.
What is green sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together ? Chimney Cricket !
My boss said , "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume
Why can't Jesus eat Skittles? Because they're always falling through the holes his hands.
What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common? They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.
Doctor then says to Pagliacci... "New treatment. Get on stage and forget vagueness and uncertainty, or else the twelve guys I've already sent to go see you are going to fucking kill themselves."
What do you call someone who masturbates a lot? A nutcracker.
My das always used to eat rabbit before he went for a run - he said it made him go faster Really, it just put a little more of a hop in his step
IamA former Backpage massage girl - AMA!
It would be nice to have a second button beside the 'snooze' that emails your boss that you aren't coming in today.
How many pornstars does it take to screw a light bulb? Nobody knows, they keep cutting themselves. PS: original joke
I accidentally washed a black sock in with my whites and everything came out fine, so I totally get that whole "I Have a Dream" thing now.
Why are all Blackberry workers so bad at basketball? Because the always hit the RIM!
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle? To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I'd be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of crap together.
"Oh I'll be your relationship status alright..." -me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
I was at the confessional booth the other day and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating He said "Sure, If it bothers you, I'll stop".
Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar. On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.
Q: How do you have a party in outer space? A: You plan-et.
There are 2 types of people in this world Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
All of the world's natural disaster met to decide which one was the worst. Avalanche won by a landslide.
I bet Hitler & the guy who invented the car alarm belong to a book club together in hell.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button? -IT'S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Why didn't the coast guard save the hippy? He was too far out!
Chemists do it on the table... Periodically.
Paris Hilton was arrested for coke possession. Said her family, "If you love cocaine so much Paris, why don't you Marriott?"
two Odessa women fall out with each other: - Oh, you old whore! - Sarah! I do not understand, what's age got to do with It ?!
I was arrested for indecent exposure, but, sadly, released for lack of evidence.
I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.
Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn't have to? [flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors] Me: Yeah, I'm sweet like that.
I approach sex and parking the same way Get close enough to the end while still being able to safely pull out.
If a Republican candidate who is hated by the GOP establishment and loathed by half the country just won the election... ...maybe Hillary should consider running as a Republican!
JESUS: today im going to walk on water JUDAS: NO DONT-- [jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
Wasn't doing much, so submitting a funny link on reddit.. You are doing that too much. Try again later.
What do you say to a fig on ice? Fig u're skating
I like my coffee like my women... Black and bitter, preferably fairtrade
How do you make an orphans hands bleed? Tell them to clap until daddy gets home
What do you call a pig with three eyes ? Piiig
If I wanted to seduce my mom with fruit... ...should I send her an Oedipal Arrangement?
I text-ed my girlfriend "goodnight, love you" but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave. *Adds track star to resume*
Two muffins are sitting in the oven. When one muffin leans over to the other and says, "boy it sure it's hot in here." To which the other muffin responds, "holy shit a talking muffin!"
Sign Driving through a residential area, saw a sign: SLOW Children Playing! I thought to myself "Gosh, that's a bit cruel!"
My friend told his girlfriend that he wants lots of children It's pretty messed up how excited she got about dating a pedophile.
how do you get a cat to say like a chicken freeze it and bang it against the table and it says: gog gog gog
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
When I've had a bad day I remind myself that I'm a straight white guy. Then I high five some dudes and we destroy an ecosystem or some shit.
Why do Scottish men have long skinny dicks? Because they're tight fisted wankers.
Why haven't any subscribers to r/TheRedPill played Overwatch yet? They don't play the beta.
Why did the investment banker leave her husband? She was losing interest.
How did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.
Google just threw a drink in my face I deserved it I have no business asking those questions
John Deere's manure spreader... ...is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
You're right, sir. It's MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
Some people mock me because I'm a virgin but I don't give a fuck (This is probably a repost because it's so unoriginal)
*puts hand on your knee *slowly moves up your thigh *runs over your hip *drags finger up your stomach *grabs remote *changes channel
What do you call space herpes? Star Warts.
I like the lack of controversy over the Olympic men's figure skating "No Need to Ask, We'll Tell!" policy.
What do you call a snake that informs the police ? A grass snake !
If someone sends you a link to download the Homer's Iliad, don't download it... It's full of trojans!!
A penguin talks his snowmobile in to get fixed. The mechanic takes a look at it and says "looks like you blew a seal." penguin replies "no, that's just frosting on my lip."
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
What do wolves say when you yell barba streisand in the forest? uuuuuUuuuUUUUuuuuuuuUuUUUuuuuuuuuuU
What was the Neo Nazi's favorite computer game? Mein Kraft
God: I made you in my own image. Adam: Your penis looks bigger.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm the jerk...
Online Dating is like Online gaming. The Grind is real.
What did the doctor call his new metal band? Inflamed
What did the tv get for Christmas? Replaced
Pirate ship Why did the pirate carve a topless mermaid into the front of his ship? Yar, cause wouldn't it be loverly
Happy 2011! I can't wait for Internet Explorer 9.
I just got a new universal remote Wow! This changes everything...
If you sleep with two prostitutes in one day... what is the first one called? a whore-derve
"I'm a skeleton!" *kisses and hugs you* Stop that! *kisses and hugs you again* What kind of skeleton are you?!? "An XO skeleton"
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
What do you call the science of knives? Cutting edge technology.
Knock knock Who's There? Olive. Olive who? Olive my jokes are bad.
Want to hear a gay joke? Nevermind... it's kinda gay
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it. - my employer
I imported a Honda directly from Japan and was forced to pay a large tariff... ...that's OK though because it's my Civic duty.
What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
I used to be opposed to organ transplant... But after having one done myself; I guess I've had a change of heart.
I think it's time I remind you all that spoons are just tiny bowls with very long handles.
So this guy comes into a bar No wait... it was a horse. So this guy comes into a horse...
Recent study shows 9 out of 10 men prefer looks rather than personality in women 1 out of 10 men prefer the other 9.
What time does Wimbledon start? Tennish
harry potter and the prisoner of society
what do you call a boring burrito? aburrido
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that. With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
What happens when a sweatshop gets busted? The entire outfit is compromised.
What's the gift that keeps on giving? AIDS
"Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out" "Correct English is 'you've run out of tea'. What else?" "You've walked out of wife"
What do two people with Parkinson's disease do when they meet for the first time? They shake hands.
In honor of National Limerick day (U.S.) There once was a man from Nantucket Who had a cock so big he could suck it He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin If my ear were a pussy I'd fuck it
A pretty girl walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "what are you having?". Girl responds "I'll take a a Double entendre". ... So he gives it to her.
A dyslexic boy was beaten up by classmates for trying to ride on the regular bus instead of the short bus. Whoops, wrong sub.
Great... This guy double parked his porsche, and now I've got paint all in my keys.
Have you seen the movie about a lone piece of graph paper? The plot was a bit scattered.
You got to hand it to blind prostitutes...
Thursday is that guy who shows up early for the party, with margarita mix and no booze.
What does Idk stand for? Everyone I ask says they dont know
I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of WNBA history.
I was in a taxi when the driver said.. I was in a taxi when the driver said"I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!". I said "Great. Now take a left here!"
Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my "M" back..... you know, since you're not using it. Sincerely, _usic
What porn does a rooster watch? Hentai
Two Goldfish Are Sitting In A Tank One turns to the other and says "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight. Me: So you want less Tarantino... H: ...and more Seuss. M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.
[making small talk at a business function] "You're 35 aren't you?" "No, I'm 38" "Oh right" [long silence] "Did you used to be 35?"
funniest joke i've ever heard. womens's rights.
"You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet." - If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
WIFE: I can't believe you ruined my birthday yesterday ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn't even know it was your birthday
I'm on at least 5 different social networks right now managing my empire of utter and complete bullshit.
How was Rome split in half? With a pair of *Caesars*
Adam says to Eve... "I wear the plants in this relationship!"
Just got a gift for my dog. I bought my dog a cute toy from the pet shop and she immediately broke it. I demanded my money back but the manager said they won't refund a dead hamster.
What do fish in Jamaica smoke ? Sea-Weed. I'll show myself the door.
Have you heard of the film constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
Where does letters to Santa go. (Dark Humor) In the trash, he's not real.
How does Donald Trump keep Mexicans off reddit? With a text wall.
Worst joke I could think of. A man walks into a bar, it hurt. Watch where the fuck you're going.
Kanye walks into a museum in Finland. "Imma let you Finnish," he snickers. The entire tour laughs. They're all Kanye, too. And so are you.
Vagina jokes are not funny, Period
Farted on my wallet... Now I have gas money.
I saw a poor cat down the street So I felt bad and gave it two dollars
I want to meet myself from someone else's point of view.
Did you hear that sugar is magic? It'll make a diabetics feet dissappear!
I just did a fart that was like the movie 'The Sixth Sense' There was a weird twist at the end, now I'm afraid to look
If the Hulk worked in the produce section of Kroger... would he be a Green Grocer?
Boy: I wish more girls liked farming Girl: I like farming Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s
I just got back from my friend's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball... It was a lovely service.
What is a difference between those who left USSR for Canada in 1972 and those who left USSR in and after 1991. In 1972, people ran from Socialism, and in 1991 into Socialism.
You know what the worlds best play on words is? Scrabble.
How can you waste food when there are starving children in...ew onions.
How do they know Princess Diana had dandruff? Because they found her Head n' Shoulders in the glove box.
I saw a "best at sex" contest for gay men, where the judges were your fellow participants. It looked fun, so I entered the competition.
First Jon Stewart retires, then Brian Williams gets suspended. What's happening to fake news?
A dog walks into a bar and says I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
If sex is a pain in the ass ... Then you're doing it wrong.
I need some help with my Halloween costume. I'm dressing up as Ebola and I want to make sure everyone gets it.
Anyone else feeling solipsistic? No-one?
Does Facebook have a "You're not smart enough to be talking about politics" button?
What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog? On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.
Lady Gaga: "People should look nice all the time." "Nice" = "If an alien did meth and had a baby with a satellite dish."
Found The Best 2014 Prank Site Check out this website seriously one of the best websites 2014 filled with all sorts of vines, gags, hidden camera, and pranks for ages...http://superpranktube.com
Why couldn't the pirate use the bubblegum vending machine? Because there is no quarter for the wicked.
You know, after all these years, I hardly remember the first girlfriend I had. I remember she was Muslim, but physically, all I can recall are the beautiful hazel eyes Jihad.
My wife and I decided we don't want to have children anymore So anyone who wants one, leave us a number and adress and we will bring you one.
I lost my grandmother last weekend. Seriously, I lost her. If you have seen her around please let me know.
What does /r/funny and /r/jokes have in common? I laugh at neither of them.
What's the difference between Naruto and Bleach? No one ever told me to drink Naruto
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went it would be Hell.
Your mom is so sweet... I don't even need sugar when I'm eating her
What does Vincent say when he's annoyed at someone? Fuck Gogh
Two peanuts are walking down the street. One of them was assaulted.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"
If bird-watching is called bird-watching, what do you cal cow-watching? A steak out.
What did one tampon say to the other?? ...... Nothing! They're both stuckup cunts !
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
Why does the nurse always carry a red pen while at work? To draw blood.
I like my women like I like my coffee Roasted, ground up, and dissolved in hot water
Q. What are 2 girl chickens that fall in love? A. Lesbi-hens
What do you get when you cross a brown cow with a brown chicken? "--brown-chicken-brown-cow--" (said like: 'bowm-chicka-bowm-wawm')
You know pterodactyls' don't make noise right? Even the P is silent.
What do you call an Eskimo who's a peeping tom? Itookalook
What's better than winning the Paralympic gold medal? Not being in the Paralympics
what do you call the act of masturbation before you sleep? the stroke of midnight.
My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses. She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.
There's no way that Cinderella was treated like crap her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn't like "yeah right."
Why was the electron mad? Well, it doesn't really matter...
Knock Knock.... -Knock Knock... -Who's There -Panther -Panther who? -Panther no pants, I'm going swimming!
A man goes to the lawyer: "What is your fee?" Lawyer says: "1000 US dollars for 3 questions." Man: "Wow - so much! Isn't it a bit expensive?" Lawyer: "Yes, what is your third question?"
What's the difference between a nazi and a gay guy? 45 degrees of the wrist
How did Godzilla escape the trains? He threw them off their tracks.
all I wanna do is [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] move to a safer neighborhood
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy. Me: I know, right? Me: It's a sign of advanced intelligence. Me: High-5. Me: Word.
Two fish are swimming in a tank... one looks at the other and says, "You know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a cheap hooker? A bang for your buck.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I went to the doctor with a hearing problem... I told him I got fucked in the ear. Now I have hearing aids.
I heard this one from a crotchety old guy at Dunks yesterday What do you call a woman who sets all her money on fire? Bernadette!
What did Davey Crocket say at the Alamo? "Where'd all the roofers come from?"
People say there is safety in numbers... Tell that to 6,000,000 jews.
Reincarnation I told my wife that in the Hindu religion she could come back as something completely different. She said she wanted to come back as a cow. I told her she wasn't listening.
What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit
What did the llama said to the other llama? Como se llama?
Why did the library book go to the doctor? It needed to be checked out; it had a bloated appendix.
If I was a fashion designer Id call myself "who" so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say "Who?" "Yes who?" "Yes."
[NSFW] How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? You suck its dick
It's been 50 years since The Jetsons showed us a wacky science-fiction world where you could afford two kids and a house with just one job.
What did one friend say to another on a flight that made him get escorted off of it? (WARNING: PUNNY AS HELL) "Hi Jack! These airplanes are da bomb!" how did i do? thought of it a couple days ago.
There are two kinds of people in this world. People who say they piss in the shower, and dirty fucking liars.
What type of meat are your calves made of? Bologna.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
So I went to a restaurant called Bukkake the other day... WAY too much sauce on everything.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but no one can pee soup.
How should you send a letter to the Easter  Bunny? By hare mail!
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
What is a terrorist his favourite car? A Citroen C4
What's a cokeheads favorite TV show? Whose Line is it Anyway
Facebook should add a hug and kiss button that way people can have a little foreplay before getting poked.
Why couldn't the dolphin turn around in a hallway Because he was driving a tractor
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with Italian food. I wouldn't put it pasta.
How to equally divide a cake among five people with only three cuts Slice three people with your knife and ask the last, "Do you also want a piece?"
So this Kristen Stewart cheating stuff... Still a better love story than Twilight.
There are only 10 types of people in the world... Those who understand ternary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.
How do you make a patty melt? Give Marcie a strap-on.
What do you say to a girl with a black eye? Nothing. You already told her.
Teacher : What's your favourite letter ? Student: The letter G. Teacher : Why is that Angus ?
The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.
Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you're meant to be studying.
What did the moon say to the window? Fuck off
Sometimes I like to sit at the playground & wait for a concerned Mother to ask "Which kid is mine?" I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."
What do you call a potato shaped like a penis? A dictator.
i'd be ok with drone strikes if we used them against anyone who thinks mentioning "bacon" is funny
How do you get the political science grad off your lawn? Pay for the pizza
[In a seahorse home] Son: Dad? Dad: Yes? Son: Happy M- Dad: DON'T Son: Moth- Dad: STOP Son: HAPPY MOTHERS DAY *Dad bangs head on desk*
What did the quadruple amputee say when he couldn't solve the riddle? I'm stumped.
love is joke hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Why is eastern europe filled with strippers? Because they like Poles.
My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do? Take his bike away.
"Oh holy shit, what the hell is this!" -people who request songs on the radio discovering the internet for the first time
I got banned from my chiropractors office. Apparently its not "appropriate" to ask for a happy ending.
What do you call a bear that can't win? A Chicago Bear
Whats 6'2" and doesnt work? My moms van, its been sitting on blocks all summer you racist bastard.
What do you get by cross-breeding a jehovahs witness and an atheist? Someone who pointlessly knocks on the door.
How do you get heaps of pikachu on to a bus? You pokemon
You can't trust anyone you meet online I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him
My doctor says I'm not eating a balanced diet...that's absurd. I eat as many cookies with my left hand as I do with my right!
Thinking about free healthcare and how much it's going to cost me?
This month is so 08/15
What do you call a dog wearing a watch? You would call it a dog. A dog wearing a watch is not a watchdog.
How do you spell moron? M O R M O N
I don't have a problem with man buns You used to have to talk to someone for 3 or 4 minutes to figure out if he's a fuckhead
What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed? Nothing.
Q: Can February March? No. But April May!
looks like our killer left his calling card. 5 cents/min to canada, 7c/min to puerto rico. he knows what he's doing.
4th of july British people say that we as Americans go overboard with the 4th of July. When really the only thing that went overboard was their tea
Why was hitler bad with directions? Because three reichs don't make a left.
The Bat family were playing a game of "old maid" with a poker deck... Needless to say it was a never ending game. Everyone wanted the joker.
Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes. OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!
Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and were in a fatal car crash, who survives? Bill and Monica, ooops I mean Melania!
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there's never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would "have a piece of cheese and calm down" So, yeah, she's mine.
Where do mathematicians go to gamble? Sine city
Some of those Mardi Gras beads could serve a dual purpose. Don't act like you hadn't thought about it.
Anyone who's ever stood in a busy McDonald's line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
You brought me roses? I can't eat this. Get out.
Caitlin Jenner's name should be Trans Trans Jenner
A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes. Genie: What is your first wish? Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
What's the difference between an airport shop and a golf course covered in bacon? One's a duty free, the others a Jew free tee.
What do you call a Canadian pimp? Jose (hoes eh?)
[pharmacy] "I'd like a refill for this bottle of pills" PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof? "No thanks, I already believe in children"
What do you call a white guy who grew up in the ghetto? Tarzan.
What do you call a frightened nun? A nervous habit
Girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her I mean, technically, she didn't say "dream," she said "nightmare," but close enough.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time Papa Bear: Thanks, babe [she puts on a Goldilocks wig] Mama Bear (falsetto): I can't sleep here! It's toooo hard
Did you hear what happened to the dildo farmer? He had a big problem with squatters.
What's white and kills you if it enters your eye? An airplane.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I like Donald Trump how I like Destiny Overhyped and without a campaign.
Dr. King Schultz wins the Oscar.. The white man profiting yet again at the expense of the black man.
How do Germans tie their shoelaces? In little knotsies....
Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I Oh shit, did you see that? Daaaamn. She straight up ate him.
What's the funny thing about child pornography? The absence of cast and credits at the end. Doug Stanhope
I'm so sick I feel like a white boy at his first Kanye concert (masterpiece)
Sex in the morning I bet it has been up here before, but I felt that it had to be out here again. Sex is one of THE best things to wake up to.... Unless you are in prison
If it looks like I'm typing for five minutes I'm really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Where do black parents get gifts for their children? At Toys We Is
A wife is like a hand grenade you take away the ring, and there goes your house
Mattel has a campaign urging girls to pursue their limitless potential. It's called You Can Be Anything Except A Woman With Barbie's Body.
BAD MATH JOKE TIME. For pi day, my friend was selling pies as a fundraiser, so because I love pie, I decided to buy two. I went from 0 to 2. I went absolutely nowhere.
A doctor goes to his patient and says "I have some bad news, you have cancer and you have alzheimer's" Patient replies "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.
I think it works! GUYS! I just invented time travel!
My wife caught me again on the couch with my iPad & a hand towel while I was putting lotion on my feet with my pants off.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
The new French tanks have 14 gears 13 go in reverse and 1 goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt, and Delete. That way when they fuck up, I can hit them all at once.
What do you call an orgy with five black people? A threeway
"Well, there goes the end of my arm," said Tom offhandedly.
Two hikers are standing on a bridge over a stream, peeing over the side. First hiker: "Wow, this water's cold." Second hiker: "And deep."
If we're going to do racist jokes How's a Mexican like a cue ball? The harder you hit it the more English it picks up!
A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera... I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot.
If FedEx and Ups merged would they call  it Fed UP?
Why did Hitler invade Poland? To get to the other side.
In 1969 we put a man on the moon... In 2016 we put a man in the ladies restroom.
Just made 7 decisions based on my phone's battery life.
why did Microsoft skip 9? because 7 , 8 , 9 !
For Halloween I'm giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids'll be shaving away and then BAM - nougat everywhere.
What is the deal with airplane food? Seriously, I'm trying to feed this thing and I don't know what airplanes eat.
What do you call the operation a woman gets to become a man? Addadicktome
So a black guy walks into a bank... Approaching the nearest available teller, he says, "Hi, I'd like to file for bankruptcy." "Okay", the teller replies, "what's your name?" "Fifty Cent" badum tisss
Based on the novel 'Push Notifications' by iSapphire
Cantaloupe... or Wontaloupe?
What's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution.
I caught a computer virus once. My thumbnails fell off...
[beside lady with baby] Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change? Me: *blushing* Yes ma'am.
how did one droid flirt with the other droid "hey bb"
A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg. Authorities say something sinister is afoot.
Donald Trump had a great inauguration speech It sounds like he Putin a lot of practice
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle His wife is already pregnant
I made a joke. I had a threesome once... I think I sprained both my wrists
2050's kids won't get this... Snow
Three logicians go to a bar The waiter asks if they would all like a drink The first responds "I don't know" The second responds "I don't know" And the third responds "Yes, why thank you"
Tired of Funny jokes? Check out a new subreddit for real bad jokes... They are not funny. There are no strict rules about what kind of not funny they have to be. /r/realbadjokes/
Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart and stopped littering
There are 3 kinds of people in this world; those who can count, and those who can't.
What do you call two Mexican men playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
Why did the Louvre tour guide work for pennies? Because this docent makes any cents.
" How was your blind date ? " " Terrible ! He showed up in a 1935 Rolls Royce. " " What's so terrible about that ? " " He was the original owner ! "
I bought a book about addiction I've read it 50 times and it still hasn't helped.
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo!
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?
Healthy human blood must be a low-carb meal... Because it's the most-keto diet.
Just trimming my nose hair and drinking a soy latte. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.
The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Manti's girlfriend walk into a bar... Rimshot!
"Hey, did you hear about the blonde that lost over 85% of her intelligence?" "No, actually. How'd it happen?" "I dunno, but I hear that it happened at around the same time her husband died."
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn't come back. How long do you reckon before it's safe to turn around?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn't ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car ? Carlos.
How do you know when your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
What's a dog's favorite chip? Ruffles :)
How does a vampire get through life with  only one fang? He has to grin and bare it.
I've got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I'm trying to calculate the odds.
There are three kinds of people in this world.... Ones that can count and ones that can't
Why does China care so much about money? They can't resist all of the cha-'ching'.
My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and... A lifetime ban from the New York City zoo.
What car does Boba Fett drive? A ManDeLorean.
I told a joke to my Chemistry teacher. He replied "Oh man, I slapped my neon that one"
I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude
A joke about mods [deleted]
I just microwaved my TV dinner & it came out fully cooked on the first try, so I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone's hungry.
Why was the obtuse triangle upset? Because he is never right.
So I donated blood today... Good to know my blood is gonna be running through some other guy's boner
I once dated a guy with premature ejaculation. I don't know why. I knew it wasn't going to last. In fact, I could see it coming.
I watched the African version of "Man v. Food", but it was just a half-hour of a guy chasing a gazelle.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home....
A man walks in to a green grocer's "Excuse me ma'am, are these carrots genetically modified?" "No" interrupted the carrot.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two! But don't ask me how they got inside there.
I think I'm gonna become a solipsist, who's with me? Wait... no one's with me.
What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick? A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..
Ever see the movie human centipede? That movie sucks ass.
Vending machines are so homophobic Like, I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you.
Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.
Did ye hear about the movie that the pirate went to see? 'Twas rated Argggghhhhh!!!!
What's the worst thing about alcoholics? They wine too much.
Here's a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!
A cobbler was once elected the mayor of a small town. People thought he was a real shoe-in.
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman
My wife gets her news from NPR. I get mine from Twitter. Guess which one of us knew about planking first? Suck it, legitimate media.
Go fuck yourself. It only takes a few minutes and it feels really good.
what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce
What do you call a melon with overbearing parents? cantaloupe ;)
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I'm ready now.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
What do you call a Phillipino contortions? A manilla folder
Don't ever go camping. That shit's intense.
Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
What's Ja Rule's favorite type of bread? Challah!
Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop? Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.
Ever tried eating a clock? It's time consuming.
What do you call a fuzzy philosopher? BEARistotle I'm so sorry
What's a snake's favourite food ? Hiss Cakes !
Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics? All that backstabbing was too much for him.
what do you call a french kebab? a body bag.
They say that kissing makes your day ... And anal sex makes your hole weak!
How do small people call each other? On microphones.
Aggressiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Until he punches you in the face. Then aggressiveness is inbetween the eyes of the beholder.
Do you want to hear an Ebola joke? Just refresh the page,it's probably posted again.
I Thought having a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby
While Twitter is the slutty wife we all share, Facebook has become the humorless mother-in-law we all endure.
Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists.
How did Jesus get his beach bod for the summer? Cross fit
So UBER is not a dating app? *sigh* I kinda thought all those 'Goodbye' kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Genie: 1st wish ME: I wish for a pen G: #2 M: another pen G: wtf M: I already lost the 1st pen G: and ur 3rd M: ur not going to believe this
Why do lesbians shop at sports authority? Because they hate Dicks
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
Do you think a contortionist would go on a date with me? Even if I couldn't fit in her box?
Do you know why they call them Sperm Whales? Because they're delicious!
What is a Pokemon's favorite kind of nut? A Pi-cashew
You know there are some trained minds that can tell a lot about a person just by looking at them. I like to call said minds 'Presumptious, judgemental Assholes.'
What is your best wordplay joke? My personal favourite: Two peanuts walked into a bar, one was assaulted.
Gentrification tends to happen during autumn Because the brown leaves.
Santa is such a whore... He's always looking for some ho ho ho's.
What's a lesbian's favorite game? rock-paper-scissor
I'm still waiting for my knight in shining sarcasm.
"I found my charger!!" - a love story
What's the worst part about being a black Jew? you have to sit at the back of the gas chamber.
Turns out that German pilot was heavily depressed... He brought the whole plane down.
Pants should have to wear pants so they understand why it sucks to wear pants.
Did you hear that M. Night Shyamalan is making a new movie about a ninja with a nipple fetish? You'll never see the twist coming
What did the VW spokeswoman say after the EPA tester discovered the emissions discrepancy? Nothing, she was embarrassed.
I'm bored Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.
How much do my arms have to weigh before I can be considered heavily armed?
On Possession So me and my sister when in a fight and she said, "Your so possessive", I responded, "What about my possession, is it ok?
Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727...
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide......... Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
A turkey was about to cross the road... when a chicken appeared and said "dont do that that, you will never hear the end of it"
Want to hear a clean joke? Henry took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.
Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that's cool. One time I didn't run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Dave: I don't want to sound stupid.... Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I wonder how many other Sandy's have come into men's lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe? John Cougar Melon Camp
[job interview] "So do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?" Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Wanna hear a joke? Western Feminism.
What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?? Attire
A comedian committed suicide today... Took a knife straight to the jocular vein.
I'd like to give it up to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
Did you hear about the spilt milk? It was an udder disaster....
My facebook homepage has become a sea of 'who the fuck is that?'
My wife and I have been seeing a counselor for our sex life, and things have really been improving. We take turns on her.
My brother was in a car accident yesterday... and lost both his left arm and left leg. Actually, he's my half brother. He's all right now.
Did you guys hear they're making a sequel to the hit TV show "Medium?" It's called "Large."
http://loolzpedia.blogspot.com/2014/08/oxygen.html Oxygen Is Important
My friends and family treat if as if I'm a god! They don't believe in me
"I'm going to France next summer." "Oh, really?" "No, De Gaulle."
Why is Kristen Stewart safe from the Fine Brothers? Because she has no facial expressions so can't react.
R/jokes Reddit posters are cleaning the earth They are very good at recycling
You know what really makes me smile? Fascial muscles.
The inventor of the Red Solo Cup had died. His body was found under the sofa in the living room three days after his death.
What does Trumps Hair and a Thong have in common..? They both barely cover the asshole.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago. Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I recently traced my family tree... It was easier, I'm rubbish at drawing.
So a fisherman is having an argument with a stain on his shirt.. And the stain says "I'm fish jizz, thank you." And the fisherman replies "No, you're whale-cum"
My friend's coming over, I've got to be careful... ...my house mates are crazy and he's allergic to nuts. *Yes indeed.*
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!
What did Noah do with all the poop? Threw it overboard. it formed the UK. Taken from here: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/240xyy/brilliant_neil_degrasse_tyson_quote/ch2kcxl
"You're a joulepersecond!" "Wat?" "Exactly."
TIL Lebanese people are from the fugawi tribe. When they walked out of the airport they said we're the fugawi.
What did the lawyers say when they finished their basketball game? Court is adjourned
My girlfriend is from another Nation. ImagiNATION
I was talking to coworkers about quitting this job and working as a pornographic actor... I decided against it, because I realized I was quitting "This fucking job for that fucking job."
"I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don't want a blue collar job." - Everyone who eventually becomes a judge.
Donald - Knock knock Hilary- Who's there? Donald - Interrupting Donald Trump Hilary - Interrupting Don--- Donald - WRONG!
A selfie stick is very useful..... .. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him? Ayyyy watch it homes!
[dinner party] GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia? ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Relationships are a lot like algebra... Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.
Me: are you married? Him: separated Me: your wife know about that?
Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job? Ubisoft
A rapist a gangster and a murderer are in the same car... Who is driving the car? A police officer!
Two atoms are walking down the street.... Two atoms walking down the street. One says, "Damn, Ive lost an electron". "Are you sure?" "Yep, I'm positive".
My dog has been chasing people on bikes lately so I had to take away his bike
How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide? Alt-F4
If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn't make sense. Forget it.
What do you call a carrot that repeats everything you say? WOAH! BACK UP, BACK UP. You've seen a TALKING CARROT?
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster Now it doesn't work.
Which is better a stool or a box to stand on? You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder
What do you do in a master bathroom? Masterbathe.
There's only one way to get a girl's heart... And that's through her rib cage
Why did Hitler turn to genocide after a failed career as an artist? He never learned to mix the colors
Why is Dublin the capital of Ireland? Cause it keeps on Dublin and Dublin.
My 'home to pants off' speed ratio is unparalleled.
What did the little girl's parents want for Christmas? A better son.
What's big, huge and hairy? A Goliath bird eating tarantula.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
How can you tell a rich Swiss from a poor Swiss? The poor swiss washes his Mercedes by himself
The only thing keeping me from driving off this bridge is the insurance rate increase if I survive.
The worst is when you're on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I went to Russia, met a guy called Vladislav * **Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.**
Winston and a Cat What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat? One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.
What is Bear Grylls' favourite vegetable? Leek.
Are you ready for TheDivision's upcoming DLC? TheAddition? If not, you might like its already-existing-but-cut-for-later content TheSubstraction.
Thank you for explaining that Geico ad to me It means a great deal
My microwave broke. So, we're finding innovative alternatives. Did y'all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
I don't see the issue with microcephaly. Personally, I love a little head.
Two months ago my best friend took off with my wife. And god damnit, I miss him.
Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don't care if you have one.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one to hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.
I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain't got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
Pull my finger Pffft
What did the dill pickle say to jennifer lopez? U WOt M8&gt;?
What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire? mourning wood
Date: Do u have any allergies? Me: I'm allergic to raisins. They make me cry D: That's an unusual reaction M: They could've been wine!!
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I hurt my neck sleeping on a pillow that was too fluffy. My body is not meant for this world.
A man once told me that he had never went to the bathroom in his entire life. I told him he was full of shit.
Girl: Mom mom a monster's just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well keep out of the kitchen I've just washed the floor.
I really, really need to stop eating clocks It is very time consuming
Did you hear about the ghost who was a great football player? No, what about him? He's a spooktacular quarterback.
My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & shit like that is why I'm never sober.
2015:hey how's it going so far? 2016:uh good 15: 16: 15:you've got an armed mili- 16:we've got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
a 3 year old daughter * her - will i have a baby in my belly some day? * her dad - if u want to.. * her - no, that place is for candies
People who get offended when I breast feed publicly can fuck off What I'm doing is totally natural and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog
Why did Gigi leave the party angrily? Because she's Hadid.
What do you call a potato that's high? [A baked potato.](http://www.spudstravels.com/Travel%20Archive/Caribbean/Jamaica_images/Cannabis%20-%20close.jpg)
When sitting in traffic behind a good looking gal, ill rear-end her gently to see if I can ignite a romantic comedy.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If you had a gun with 1 bullet and you see Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton chilling in a boat in pacific ocean who would you shoot? I'd shoot god damn fucking boat because both deserves to sink.
It's still Valentines day for another hour.. Roses are red Violets are blue No, they are violet FTFY
Ain't no party like a dyslexic party Cause a dyslexic party don't pots.
I don't get new car smell air fresheners Your '98 Ford Taurus isn't fooling anyone
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
Sorry I haven't returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Jared Fogle gets sentenced 15 1/2 years in prison At least he'll still be able to enjoy footlongs
An Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew are sitting at a bar What a fine example of an integrated community.
When I die, PLEASE don't bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Dudes in skinny jeans...there's no need for sex if you're already in her pants...
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack! Quack! Quack!"
"McDonald's sales soar thanks to all day breakfast" In unrelated news toilet paper stocks have risen and plumber businesses have been unable to keep up with demands for work.
what do homosexuals and peanut butter have in common? They both dont come in boxes
I heard Israel is planning another false flag attack... The Mossad is going to nuke Gaza and blame it on the IDF.
Why do cow wear bells? Why do cow wear bells .......???? Because their don't work :D :P
What are pupils at ghost schools called?  Ghoulboys and ghoulgirls.
What do Jews and Snorlax have in common? They always lie
Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. "How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?" he asks with a large smile on his face.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because 7 is a prime number and those are pretty intimidating.
I once thought about becoming a proctologist... but I can't imagine spending my entire workday dealing with assholes.
Is it just me...... or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing ?
Have you heard the one about the jump rope never mind, just skip it.
Tragedy strikes us today as a local "Caution Tape" factory explodes, leaving officials unsure how to properly barricade the area
You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your ass
When I hear the word "aftermath" - it always makes me hungry. At school, lunch period followed Math class, so we ate "aftermath"
I lie in the bath for hours. But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I hear the Black Knight isn't as bad as he seems... He's medieval
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw? Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: "Go swimming, the water's great! And there's no sharks! P.S. this wasn't written by a shark"
What do guns and millennials have in common? You need to keep them in a safe space if you don't want them triggered.
Don't dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that'll happen tomorrow.
Rihanna. Sorry, I put the punch line in the tittle.
What did capital 'O' say to capital 'Q'? "Hey, put that thing back in your trousers!"
My Jewish friend always had such a positive outlook on life, even as he suffered from such horrible constipation. As he'd always say, ... This two shall pass.
Why do we call dogs, K-9? ...because K-10 is for cats.
I will name my kid Pluto When he grow up, he will ask me, "Dad, did you name me after a planet?". And i will be like, "No:("
Q: What's small red and goes up and down? A: A tomato in an elevator.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me... I screamed, "OH HELL NO" and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can...and vodka to accept the things I cannot. Amen!
What did the older terrorist say to the younger terrorist before he headed out for a party? Go on, have a blast.
F Scott Fitzgerald ...and F the Great Gatsby as well.
Polio walks into a bar and no one walks out.
What do you call 69-ing in China? Tu Can Chu
Stop wearing shirts that make us want to look at your titties if you don't want us to look at your titties, because TITTIES!!
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
There are three kinds of people in this world... Those who can count and those who cannot.
I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
What do Godzilla and shrimp have in common? They both crustaceans
What sounds like a robot and bumps into tables? Stephen Hawking.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea.
I was watching Star Wars in English Class And a classmate says "metaphors be with you"
What's black and doesn't work? Half of London
What did the necrophile say when his girlfriend told him to be more romantic? "You're dead to me."
You speak in haiku / That is VERY attractive / Said no girl ever
Who's the most famous jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
"Kiss me", moaned the attractive blonde... "Absolutely not", replies her doctor. "It would be most unprofessional of me. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you!"
What do you call a cannibal that only eats Marxists? . . . a proletarian.
Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.
I'd say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I hate it when people call me contrary. I am *not* contrary!
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My friend is so rich He thought Manual labor was a Spanish musician
All those subreddits going private proves that Reddit's CEO isn't the person that should be in Pao-er
What will ISIS be called once it is destroyed? WasWas
Ben Carson is going to be our next president. Cause once you go black, you never go back.
"Is this InkJet any good?" "Sure  we've sold it to royalty" "Princesses?" "Mate, it prints ALL the letters"
I've just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing. She's behind with the laundry.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take. ME: You mean, don't take? COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Only France would name a city "to lose."
Last night I was using Google docs This morning I decided to use Google moorings.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice. Vader: But why? I've been loyal. Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Dear Parents If you want to find out where your Son/Doughter is in the house, Simply turn off WI-FI and Wait
My heart is like an onion... I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Why was the pig in the kitchen? It was bacon.
Q.) What happens when a Blonde eats a mosquito?  A.) She has more brain cells in her stomach than her head.
what should i do for my 30th birthday??? I'm only 23 but it pays to b prepared
When's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
Two gerbils....(NSFW) ...are walking down the street and come up to a gay bar. One turns to his friend and asks. &gt;Wanna go inside and get shit faced? Lemmiwinks is your clue.
caught my son running a google search for " shit stain pussy ". i am beyond distraught. we are strictly a Bing family
Who says you can't make someone love you? I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard? A liquor cabinet.
Roses are grey Violets are grey Everything's grey I'm a dog
The MAN makes the BIG decisions. The WOMAN makes the LITTLE decisions... Married over 16 years, haven't made a BIG decision yet.
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court  decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas is she still your cousin?
I know how the Force Awakens ends! Credits.
I just ate so much Chinese food that now I'm able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I said "no" to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance. In 2016 I plan on saying "maybe" more and then changing it to "no".
What do you call a Sandwich with legs? Bready Legs
What's the difference between a hockey player and my exgirlfriend? A hockey player will shower after 3 periods.
Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies? She was taken in by the coppers.
I like the alt-ending version of Se7en where there are donuts in that box and Morgan Freeman pulls a jug of cold milk out of his jacket
In congested traffic, it's best to stay on the right side of the road. It'd be a real tragedy if you were on the wrong side.
What the plate say to the other plate? Dinners on me
Why can't you have sex after playing Assassin's Creed? Because Ubisoft
Never marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them
Printer tired while printing her picture Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
Wanna know why I prefer sponge cakes to Jesus? Because sponge cake doesn't take 3 days to rise.
If you say "cray cray" I'm going to punch you in the "fay fay",
Police in Mississippi shoot a man :( He had accidentally set himself ablaze, and police opened fire because he was waving fire arms in the air :)
Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My kid's teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I'm like I do. I'm player 2.
Q: Why did the elephants go on a diet? A: Because they had too much junk in the trunk.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Biochemistry joke- I once went carbon dating... I was arrested because carbon was only 14
Here's one for you...! 1
Haha I made you click GOT YA
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it's burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth. I'm a goddamn genius.
Studio Dunkers-that's an odd name for store-brand Oreos. I'd like a written explanation from Duane Reade.
Today, a hobo called me a beautiful princess, but he pronounced it "I KNOW YOU HAVE CHANGE, YOU STUPID CRACKER BITCH!".
What's Jared's favorite side dish? Megan slaw
What is the most faithful insect ? A flea once they find someone they like they stick to them !
What goes "snap crackle and pop" ? A firefly with a short circuit !
Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"
What happens when you cross the band "The Knack" and a bottle of Corona? A song called "My Corona"
Daughter saw old clothes I've saved for sentimental value & said 'I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too'. She's out of the will.
What's the difference between Americans and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture
*cape flaps in the wind* Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K? Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.
It is tough being a horny pagan with no regular religious holidays... ... because all you can look forward to is getting the Wiccans off.
An epic story of love Man riding bicycle with gf Man gives gf helmet Man says I love you Man does 720 inverted wheelie Man dies Man in news Woman cries
If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? One doesn't cry sexism when you fire it.
Dear women, 3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature. No 1. We know what upsets you. No 2. Hahahahahaha... I said "number 2"
Those little bumps around your nipples? That's braille for "suck me."
A Psychic Buying Clothes Employee: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn't even try it on. Psychic: I'm a medium.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people living above me are furious.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don't realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
-So how can we help you today Mr Benson? "Please. Mr Benson was my father." -Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?
In what direction do five gay guys walk?
Why don't you feel the need to wear a seat belt when taking a cab? Because there is a doctor driving.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Cokey But I turned myself around, and that's what it's all about.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I think I'm allergic to alcohol... After about 10-12 beers, I throw up. It's the damndest thing!
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life WIFE: our wedding day ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
What's the difference between a fairy tale and a war story? Nothing, except fairy tales start off with "Once upon a time", and war stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you do when you see your wife stumbling around in the backyard? Shoot her again.
Waking up in the middle of the night to a 4.0 earthquake is kinda awesome until you realize it was not an earthquake & what's that smell?
They say there is safety in numbers tell that to 6 million jews
Pink Panther was looking for his friend's apartment. He drives into a street and suddenly drives out. It was a Dead-end. Dead-end. Dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-ennnnd...
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works Then it struck me
Walk into a bar dressed as a bunny rabbit. Punch the first person who says something to you. You're a wild animal.
Sorry babe I wasn't paying attention  sorry babe I wasn't paying attention, can you start over ?  ok, from where ?  2009
The woman who injected her 8-year old with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody... The child didn't look surprised...
Who is 'N Sync's favourite film maker? Michael Bay Bay Bay
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain.
Why does everyone hate Hitler? The man was a hero... After all he did kill Hitler
Aims at the heels, but hits the nose. What is it? A fart.
I once farted in an elevator it was wrong on so many levels.
My Egyptian friend's dad drowned yesterday... He's still in denial.
A blind man walks into a bar. then a chair.. and then a table.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No idee-er. (idea) Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A: Still no idee-er.
What is a 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period...
whats the difference between girl M&amp;M's and boy M&amp;M's? Boy M&amp;M's have nuts.
Two people are in a fight. Guy 1: "Well, your sister blew me, and it only cost two dollars!" Guy 2: "So she's only charging a dollar an inch these days?"
I wrote a song about tortillas. Actually, it's more of a rap.
I never get my idioms mixed up and you can take that to the bank and smoke it
What goes clop clop, clop clop, Bang! Bang! Clop clop... An Amish drive-by shooting.
Fiber Monday is a great idea... but is once a year often enough ? Oh....it's Cyber Monday ? Never mind.
What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? Cheez Waz.
"I'll put this somewhere I won't lose it." (I'll hide it somewhere I'll never see it again.)
I'm currently trying to remove all Cancers. Then I'll move on to Virgos.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Him: "What kinda chameleon do you have?" Me: Karma "Karma?" Karma "Karma.." Karma chameleon "How long you had him?" He comes & goes..
How did the swordsman annoy r/jokes? He feinted. (Sorry)
My friend's 6-year-old was being obnoxious. The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down. I challenged him to a rap battle.
Hey y'all, I finally got a smart phone. I'm a big girl now! Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
How do you tell when a woman is having an orgasm? Who cares?
What was Helen Keller's favorite color? Velcro.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it
What's the last thing you want to hear from a surgeon dissecting someone? Oops
The four states of matter: Solid Liquid Gas Black
Girl: "My first time having sex was a lot like the 100 metre dash..." Boy: "What, over in ten seconds?" Girl: "No, eight black men and a gun."
I told my parents to put their Euros in my UK bank account, just in case. It didn't work.
I brought my camera to a strip club for my photography project I ended up failing because everyone in my photos was over-exposed.
my parents did a terrible job of distributing my skill points
People who failed committing suicide... How do they live with themselves?
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture
All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.
I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.
Hipsters probly don't eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I'm fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Yesterday i met a fat chick and i fucked her in the elevator It was wrong on so many levels
Date me? You can't afford the maintenance to keep me. Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria's Secret, and bail money.
Why should you never trust atoms? They make up everything.
I used the word "procreate" at work today... ... and a pregnant girl asked me what it meant.
Females on Facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I've ever met in my life.
To add insult to injury... ...James poured Saxa Coarse into Stephen's wound.
A vulture boards a plane... ...carrying with him two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, "I'm sorry, but we only allow each passenger one carrion."
A polio survivor walks into a bar...... Wait I fucked it up.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious! Waiter: Ma'am, you can't try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open when she brings it to you
If one is an expert at tying knots, one does knot simply.
Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.
A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.
"What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.
What's worse than lime? Sublime.
What does Batman put in his drink? Just ice
What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with? Thyme management
What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANES! When do we want them?! NEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. 
Why is the Angel of Death so socially awkward? Because he sucks at life.
I used to forget time with you. Now, I'll just forget you with time.
A woman found out her husband was cheating on her. "Herman, I can't believe you did this. Why?" "Well, my name **is** Herman, not Yourman."
What did the homophobic sheep say when he saw the two female sheep making out in the field? "Oh, ewe"
Life is to enjoy with whatever you have with you ;) An old man had 8 hair on his head. He went to a barber shop. Barber in anger asked: Shall i cut or count? Old man smiled and said: "Colour it!" :D
If a tree falls in the woods... If a tree falls in the woods, and Republicans aren't around to hear it, is it still Obama's fault?
3 Mods walk into a bar [deleted]
When my date told me he was a 'culinary genius', I replied, 'Then this Brazilian won't go to waste!', and winked. Now we wait.
[DARK HUMOUR] What do you call a fat baby? Quite a mouthful.
5: Mommy can we pee in the pool? M: NO! Neighbors kid: Why? M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they'll eat and kill you.
I can be up bright or early. Pick one.
What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head ? Petal !
If you've met someone a few times but still can't remember their name, one trick is to avoid them for the rest of your life.
Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says "Say goodbye to your family"
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
What did Saturn tell it's moons when they started getting too far away? "Titan up!"
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
My son just said "I'm sorry I can't be cute right now, I'm hungry" and I've never understood him better.
A friend and I saw a man killed at the canned goods factory... It was a jarring experience.
What's the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your wife can take 3 dicks!
How to make a girl laugh Step One: ask her out.
What shoes do roosters wear? Chickenstocks
Have you heard the watermelon joke? You have now! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I'msosorry
I like my girls like my nails Hammered
Why are women like parachutes? Because if they don't spread they are worthless.
The sharpest part of the body is not the teeth... Your asshole is the sharpest. Your teeth can't cut shit.
Justin Bieber said to be just devastated to hear the news on the Boston marathon . . . . . .but hopes that everyone involved are fans.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
When starting a new relationship it's important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.
Wordplay is the fundamental form of a joke... After all, doesn't every joke have a PUNchline?
Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements? He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it
My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can't decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.
What's red, bloody and hangs of the back of a train? Miscarriage.
What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old) Madame
What do you call it when a woman of the church goes on a secret mission? Nun of your business
I wonder if girls on dates in the 1800's got mad at guys for checking their treasure maps.
Vine is shutting down I might actually make more in a year than a vine star does in a week.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing But you mean your mother.......I mean another
If you're looking to learn how to get rich, I recommend reading this book How to get rich, by Robin Banks.
What is a horses favourite kind of party? A stall ball.
Reddit went down for me... that was the most boring poop ever
Fax? Why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn't put it down.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I put my middle finger up as soon as I start driving, and if another driver does something really good, I take it down for a second.
Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Yeah, if he's a billionaire to begin with..
Well, that escalated quickly! http://imgur.com/Sjrxt6L
(Animal spelling bee) Owl: Your word is Mississippi Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
I heard you were in to fitness... well ima be fitness dick in your mouth in a second
You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you're a BAD person. ~ internet logic
Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.
Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery left
Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they're frosted.
I got one for you guys... Donald Trump
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? The woman in church has hope in her soul... The woman In the bathtub has soap in her hole.
Just Netflixed "2012." Six Billion people dead at film's end. Was prepared because PG-13 rating warned of "Mild Violence"
How many terrorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, they blew it up already.
How was there no jackass in a giant penis costume at the women's March? That would of been hilarious. You would never see feminists beat a dick so hard.
What do you call that mean guy who keeps waking you up? A myoclonic jerk.
The Canadian Army
I can relate to people who say they need to rest so they can recover after a tough workout. I feel exactly the same after a heavy meal.
There are two types of people, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
I was recently the subject of a joke. I chickened out of a fight, and crossed the road to get away.
Whats the difference between a porcupine and a police car. A porcupine has it's pricks on the outside.
Can you believe my girlfriend's mother said I'm a pedophile because I'm 40 and she's 20? Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she can judge people twice her age.
Parallel lines have so much in common It's a shame they'll never meet!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a Lightbuld? Only Juan...
I hate Masseuses They're always talking behind my back
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..
Two atoms were crossing the road... ...when the first atom screams "Ahhhhh! I lost an electron". The second atom asks "Are you sure?" to which the first atom replied "Yes, I'm positive."
What do you get when you divide 69 by 2? A lonely man's handjob.
One dolphin cut another dolphin off at the intersection of Coral Reef and Caribbean Current... The other dolphin said, "Hey, you did that on porpoise!"
Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.
Shout out to people who rate & review things cuz I don't like to rate or review things but I like to know how things are rated & reviewed
On my first day of college my dad's only advice was "don't date any of your teachers!" Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.
What is a missionary's favorite car a convertible
How does ISIS turn on their water heater? They light the pilot on fire.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.. Okay I'm done
Why aren't there very many jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones? The punchline is too long.
My wife's friend's baby always cries when her mom leaves the room. My son just laughs at her. Proud father of a douchebag.
"Would the owner of a blue PT Cruiser with license plate 'CRUZIN' please park your car 300 miles from here and kill yourself? Thank you."
How do you get a fat lady in a car? Piece of cake.
How do you know that a elephant's been in the fridge? There are foot prints in the butter. "
What emotion does a tree feel every spring? Relief
Before you criticize someone.. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
officer: give me your name me: then what am I going to use?
Every morning when my alarm goes off I think, "this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me."
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch! J: Not Guilty!
Celebrating Good Friday by honoring Jesus aka doing the same thing he did today and hanging with my Bros.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to *WANT* to change.
If this evening got any more bland and disappointing it would be a menu item at Applebee's.
If a kid refuses to go to sleep during nap time... Is he guilty of resisting a rest?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[me explainin to the kids why they're having soup and one cheese singlet for dinner] there's a place called online & im very important there
TIFU by buying an MP5K instead of a Mini-Uzi from the Arms Store... Whoops, wrong sub.
all right class welcome to Intro to Sitting 101. everyone have a seat. *confused whispering among class*
Thanks to Twitter I can tell people I read.
What's a pirates FAVORITE letter? *They ALWAYS say Rrrrr* "You'd think its Rrrrr but it's the sea they love"
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.
Anyone else think Mexican and African jokes are pretty much all the same? Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!
elder master! someone took a crap in the village's water supply! "well, shit!"
My girlfriend and I used to like to pretend she was Khaleesi and I was Drogo Until she called me "Crack of her Moon"
Why did Sally fall off the Swing?? Because She had no arms...... Knock Knock Who's There?? Not Sally........
I have better things to do with my time than my job.
ELI5: Women
So there's this girl named Mary... 1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph 2. Mary ends up pregnant 3. ??? 4. Prophet
I was raised by wolves I was then lowered by bears They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear? An algae bra.
*Husband buys me flowers* Me: Aw sweet, but don't waste money on things that are going to die. Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
No Sopa... Radio?
You don't see much in a small town ... but what you hear makes up for it. [Source](http://www.dougwils.com/Chrestomathy/no-kidding.html)
Death When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the proper waiting period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?
What do you get when you mix an octopus with a black guy? Idk but it sure as hell can pick cotton
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.. The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! Where'd you get it?" The parrot replies, "In Africa, they're everywhere!"
What was the Walrus doing in the Tupperware store? Looking for the tight seal
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.
Say I'm a man after reading a line I scored a chick I brought her home I got her in my bed Then she said:
What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy is 13 to come on his face.
Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change.
Teacher- "How much is a gram?" Me- "Depends on what you want" Teacher- "Out, just get out"
My favorite exercise is a mix between a lunge and a crunch. I call it Lunch
What do you call a man with a toe on his knee? Tony
My mother in law:did you put the weight on? Me:no...actually I've lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
Ellen Pao walked into a bar The bar bent. Bartender served her 3 sets of jumbo meals. Bartender had to repair the door.
Jokes are like food... Not everyone gets it.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world's biggest loser, he'd still only win 2nd place.
What's a redneck's favorite dating website? Ancestry.com
Why Marxists are not good at object-oriented programming? They don't get the concept of classes!
Psychic fellatio It'll blow your mind
Why does America spell some words differently? They said "We can do it without u, Britain."
Why did you get a tattoo? Because tatthrees were too expensive.
Kristen Stewart is proof that if you're making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.
a dyslexic man walks into a bra
Two statisticians walk into a bar... What are the chances of that?
There's no such thing as "elevator etiquette" buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Mr Monster: Oi hurry up with my supper.  Mrs Monster: Oh do be quiet I've only got three pairs of  hands.
"Did you know Jesus was a carpenter?" -every carpenter, 100 times a day.
My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution Nope, I'm still working here
sex toy. do you know about ISIS making there own sex dolls? it blows up itself.
I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business. My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".
One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.
How do you know all chickens are gold-digging size queens? All day long they're talking about "buck, buck, big cock!"
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems??? GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation??? USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My boss just said, "Everyone dies alone." I told him, "you don't have to die alone, just get in your car and aim for a school bus."
What did the Asian pirate do when he saw a crowd? He fry through it!
Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice......
I was getting a blowjob and I told the girl to treat my dick like a jolly rancher.... and keep on sucking.
What's an incestuous mother's favourite drink? Sonny-D
Hellen Keller walks into a bar Then a table, then a chair
My fake ID is so good, bars never suspect I'm not an organ donor.
So I finally decided to read one of Freud's books today... It's been shitting on my self for awhile now.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation: 1) Going on vacation 2) Taking my family
What do you call a police officer that shoots black people? A police officer in America.
I'm a hard core Trekkie except instead of Star Trek, alcohol.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? So that no one find out he fucks chickens.
What did the chinese pirate say? Awwlllll!
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all.
Your momma so dirty she serves more requests than HTTP
A cruise ship with a Gay Pride party on board... ran into a storm and began to take on water quickly but by some miracle did not sink. What saved the ship? "flambuoyancy"
If John Lennon made a rap song today It would go... I'm in love with the Yoko! Them other Beatles thinking oh no! Now they wanna go solo! But no one give a fuck about Ringo!
Spell anaesthetize! Harry was sad when reddit was unaffected.
Going out later today to apply for a third job so I can afford to pay for the gas to drive to my other two jobs.
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are going to think we are nuts.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread? Waiter: So a sandwich? Me: I'd prefer if we called it a salad
All it takes is 10 minutes without electricity to prove my total uselessness as a person.
Twitter is like a dog: There's always someone who loves you for you... there's also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Why does Piglett smell nasty? He plays with Pooh.
[OC] Kid: I just shat gold Parents: Wow, finally something good came out of you
What's the most sensitive part of your body while masturbating Your ears.
Seriously ppl who eat pizza with a fork & knife? This is America. We shove it in our faces like the rest of the fat people. Get it together.
Jesus killed the dinosaurs because he was tired of their bullshit.
[2 paintings talking] "hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?" please dont say it "JUST HANGING!" i wanna move to a different gallery
i had sex with your mother you see? it's funny because it's true
A Spanish-speaking sailor met Poseidon and asked the God of the Water if he was wet all the time? Poseidon: "Sea, Senor!"
On Mondays, Zombies feel alive inside.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? It chickened out
The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave. It's full of convex.
Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
Best pick up line. Hey is your name Sandy Hook? Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of kids inside you.
With all the awful things happening in Nepal... you just have to wonder...what would Kathmandu?
I believe in a woman's right to choose, except when it comes to picking what movie we should watch tonight.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? You don't tell her anything anymore, you've already explained twice.
What's the difference between a peeping Tom and  someone who's just got out of the bath? One is rude and nosey. The other is nude and rosey!
The sheer terror of laughing at a joke you didn't understand and then someone asking you to explain it to them.
How many Missouri Police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just shoot the room for being black.
Whats the difference between an easily offended person and a gun? A gun actually does something when triggered.
The best thing after an intensive argument is the reconciliation sex... ...but boy, do I hate to argue with my in-laws.
Jewish kid asks his Grandpa for money Grandson: Hey Grandpa, can I have 30 dollars? Jewish Grandpa: 20 dollars?? What do you need 10 dollars for?!
Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Diets are hard.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.
Neighborhood kids came over for an Easter egg hunt. Apparently hiding the eggs in the clothes I was wearing is somehow against the law?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be. *pulls up pants
What's a moo hoo for grazing school? Grass class!
What famous chiropodist ruled England ? William the Corn-cutter!
Why are condoms like cameras? -they both capture the moment.
Why can't seagulls fly over the bay? Cuz then they'd be baygulls.
A joke What do you go a place where cows go eat lunch ? A Calvefateria
A cowboy walks into a German car dealership and says "Audi, pardner."
So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep? ...banned from the petting zoo...
Me: 'Why are you going through my phone?' BF: 'Do you have something to hide?' Me: 'I'm gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.'
I once joked about Ebola. Everyone started laughing. It was contagious.
Why did Mickey leave Minnie? Because she was fucking goofy.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the Rhino. - *One of the many jokes I remember from Hot Shots.*
My wife said to take the dogs for a walk because they looked like they needed to go out. But I think they're full of crap.
I will not be stepping down as moderator for this sub-reddit, and here is why. I wasn't one in the first place.
If a white woman goes to the Caribbean and doesn't get cornrows did the trip even happen?
What do you call an unidentifiable eating disorder? An a-nom-aly
What was the last thing that went through JFK Jr's mind when his plane crashed? The console. What was JFK Jr's wife drinking when the plane crashed? Ocean Spray.
It's pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Hold on, gotta check my iPhone.
War crimes, helium balloons, sphincter control; just some of the things "Let it Go" doesn't apply to.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea... He says he can't complain.
What sort of aircraft does the Asian pilot who loves to greet people fly? A herrocopter
And then God said, "Let there be Black Friday." and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
It's leaked that Caitlyn Jenner is winning the "woman of the year" award. Oh so now they're implying that men are better at being women than women are.
Golf Vs Women Why don't women play golf? Because they suck at driving.
I've started going to AA (Illiterates Anonymous)
I bet Islamic women have a hard time tagging their girlfriends on Facebook.
"My what big teeth you have! Also you're grey and furry and clearly a wolf... I'm not retarded."
Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.
M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn't perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God. H: This is our house. M: I SWEAR TO GOD!
A: Do you miss your ex? B: Yes, everytime A: How are you going to fix that? B: More frequent target practice
If the wrong women weren't so tempting, then I'd probably be married to the right one by now. @MaleHonesty86
They're giving away Marshawn Lynch jerseys at my local sports shop. But I think I'll pass
I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb. Knew right away she was a keeper.
If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck... ...it'll be a vacuum!
What do you do when someone has an epileptic fit in the bathtub? Throw in the laundry.
How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ? Take them out their wheelchair.
What's long, hard, and full of semen? A submarine filled with cum.
What's the difference between your PC and your Penis? Usually its small, used often and you dont let just ANYONE touch it.
Chuck Norris has sex with every woman once a month. It causes a week of bleeding
Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you've lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.
My phone's low battery warning is the only warning I take seriously.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? Matt
What's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow? Cows are real.
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight... She needs to lighten up.
What does a midwestern farmer and a rapper have in common? They both want to make it rain.
Why are there no black people at the North Pole? Because there is nothing to steal there
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That'd wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Have you heard the joke about the jump rope? You can skip it.
What country does fried fish swim in? Greece! (courtesy of my ten year old)
Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. And I was like "*Sex-education* is so advanced now that they also give homework!"
Do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his Trans-Atlantic crossings? Because he was quartered on the port side.
"Can I see your ID?" Sure, it's... *lowers sunglasses* *raises them* *lowers them again* "What are you doing?" I don't know.
Black men should stop having sex with black hookers That's black on black crime
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business :D Edit: Sorry, I'm not sorry
A new version of clue is coming out this year It's called Flint River Clue. The only weapon is a lead pipe.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn't make the shampoo
Buddhist Pizza What kind of pizza does Buddha like? One with everything.
Why did the cab driver did not get time for his family? Because he was Uber busy.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I'M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Dear diary, Sometimes it just seems like I can't tell if something is an inanimate object or a person My therapist: Yes that's quite clear
A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?" The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"
I have sex daily. I mean dyslexia!
What do girls and snowflakes have in common? They can't drive cars.
What is called when a woman gets a sex change? Addadictomy.
My friends butler lost his left arm in an accident serves him right.
"oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol" -giraffe in quicksand
I like my women how I like my wine... 12 years old and locked in my basement
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island] How can I still be fat?
I want to tell a joke here... ...but it's about sex and I don't think most redditors get it
waldo at the gym can't none of y'all spot me
What do you call a punk band that knows how to play their instruments? A metal band
My opinion on mediums where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged? I'm forum.
What's a pirate's favourite letter? P, without it he's irate.
I looked at the calendar and thought, "It's been one of those days today."
What's a Chinese fisherman's least favorite part of living in Hollywood? Pilot season
I like my coffee like I like my women. Without some other guy's dick in it.
I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, When i woke up, my pillow was gone.
So my son ate the baby Jesus out of our Nativity scene. Now we wait for the religious movement.
TIL that Harriet Tubman sought a monthly pension of $25 a month for services in the civil war ,but was only awarded $20. 100+ years later we're still only giving her a $20.
Q: What do you call a girl with only one leg? A: Eileen
Are Ginger Ale made from real gingers? Said Cartman.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I told a joke about Muhammad to a Muslim man.. And he blew up in my face!
I have eaten so much of the white bean and kale soup we made this weekend that the EPA just imposed sanctions on my butt
It's 2015. I can't believe we're still referring to a dress as colored.
Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it's time to get groceries.
Why is religion like mobile gaming? Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.
I went into the changing room in a clothing store several times... But it stayed the same.
Did you hear the one about the JRPG character who named his daughter Dot? He called for her three times, but she she still didn't answer. ...
Recently had a cat-scan. They didn't find any cats.
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans
Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, "feminine scent" and "feminine odor" are perceived differently. You're welcome.
Being cross-eyed has made it difficult for me to stay in monogamous relationships Sometimes when I'm seeing a girl I can't help but also see someone else on the side
[NSFW] How can you tell if your girlfriend is too young? You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth!
I was at Ihop the other day... and there was a one-legged girl named Eileen working there.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
when a cop pulls me over i tell him i'm a nihilist and i don't believe in tickets or laws or authority. i do however now believe in tazers.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
JFK put a man on the moon Obama put a man in a woman's bathroom
Guys don't forget, tomorrow is Chinese Aviation Day! AKA Fly-Day
Seal walks into a club Sales have been down recently so he doesn't play larger venues anymore.
I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, "It's not your fault."
What is the difference between Chelsea and Leo di caprio? Chelsea got Oscar. huehuehuehue.
Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close they're connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare. Me: So? 5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Two Texans taking a leak off the GW Bridge on a December night Man, it's cold. Yeah, deep too!
Why did the depressed chicken cross the road? To get to the other side :(
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? You just call me...
Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn't peeling very well. Credit to my four year old niece.
I may be a bit rusty, but if the world ever needs me to climb into a triangle and shoot asteroids, I'm ready.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you take out the sausage.
Why Don't feminists make good botanists? They spend the entire time in the greenhouses bitching about the glass ceiling.
My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns But he didn't know toucan play that game.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we're not telling her.
Well this beer isn't going to throw itself up.
What do you call a black man on the moon... An Astronaut!
A hot babe said we could have sex if monkeys fly out of her ass, so tonight I meet with a zoologist, proctologist and some guy from NASA.
My gf is getting glasses Hey guys - my gf is getting glasses on monday and I need a couple of jokes to fire at her - please do your best 
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
What's black and white and red all over? A happy orca.
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular
I always say: "Sex is a lot like pizza. How? Well, let me tell you about the worst pizza I ever had:" ...it was fantastic.
How do you get two priest to fight to the death? Throw a small boy between them. How do you kill the other you ask? Throw in Michael Jackson.
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
Yo Mama! What's the difference between your mama and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's **not** funny!
What is an orphans favorite beer? Fosters
No matter what amazing things you accomplish or how fantastic you are, a cat will always think it is better than you.
Why hasn't a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented? What are our scientists doing?
The Last Time I can Make this Joke I happy to see Caitlyn Jenner is happy, but I was disappointed she did not go with the name I suggested- Bruce Jennerfer.
Don Draper and Meiosis get together for an advertisement meeting. They agree on one thing. Sex Cells.
Where do people from Laos like to swim? In Laotian.
Alabama: where the men are men and the sheep are scared
I thought I'd found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.
Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.
Do these jeans make me look fat? And don't cover your nose this time! -Pinocchio's girlfriend
My therapist asked me to stop wanking. I asked how long i should stop for... He said at least until i left his office
A Janitor starts up his car. "Broom broom"
What's grosser than gross? When a midget walks past and says your hair smells nice!
Q: What goes VROOM  SCREECHVROOM SCREECHVROOM SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
What is the definition of "moon"? The past tense of "moo"!
What is the digestive system? The digestive system is a system which starts with one hole and ends with one hole
There's currently a thin shell of space, hurtling through the solar system at 67,000 mile per hour, in which boners must be blurred. "Japan"
What do you tell someone who is bad at sign language? You have bad hand writing
I heard reincarnation... ...is making a comeback.
Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.
Racism is deeply embedded in our culture My mom always told me to separate whites and colored before doing laundry
"Here taste this " followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
What's worse than losing one arm? Losing both your arms.
What do you call a flightless bird? Joaquin Phoenix.
A priest, a rabbi and penguin walk into a bar IT'S THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
The Inventor of Stereo steps back to admire his work and says "Let's see how this pans out."
Few things more demoralizing than saying "excuse me" to a mannequin.
There are two penguins in a bathtub... One looked to the other and said, "No Soap Radio"
Why are farmers so wealthy? Because their stalks are always growing.
*walks up to Michael Cohen's door* "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Says." "Says who?" "THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM."
I thought about opening up a cemetery... but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.
There are 3 reasons for "Liking" someone's Facebook status:  1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I'm liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
why are blonde jokes so short so brunettes can rember them
I just thought up a really nerdy joke... How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT? Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**
if ur fighting with your bae but sleepy, write what you're mad about on a piece of paper so u can continue in the morning
I tried looking for cover versions of Milli Vanilli songs but it turned out that they weren't the original ones.
When someone texts "whatcha doin" after midnight the appropriate response is "someone else" even if you're just eatin' pizza all alone.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
There's a whole world of people out there! *closes the door*
What do you call gungan served raw? Tartare Binks...
A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"
The American Psychiatric Association defines narcissism as the first ten minutes of every podcast.
The best advice I can give to Black Friday shoppers is to come early and take a shit by the door so everyone tracks it in.
Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq? Because they are all Targets.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that [Later in bedroom] Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
What does a bee do with his stinger at night? Put it in his honey.
Oh Subway You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we've been doing that for years. Sincerely; Guys
A Silly Riddle! What is white looks like sand and found in the gusset your GF Knickers Clitty Litter!
What is every Redditor's blood type? Edit: TypO
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What's the perfect name for a salon run by a couple of lesbian nuns? Scissor Sisters *ba-dum-tiss*
I went to the psychiatrist today I told him that I have started hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
Why does Donald Trump like free haircuts? Because he doesn't have toupee.
What is worse than waking up with your dick in your mouth after sleeping with your gf? Waking up with her dick in your mouth
How to get a girl to like you: 1. Become a lion tamer 2. Release a lion on her 3. Tame it right before it kills her 4. Take her to Chili's?
*goes down on one knee* One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Lord, protect me from my friends, I can take care of my enemies.
NASA confirms, life found on mars.
Why did the atheist go to church? To use the Pokestop.
[God creating beards] ADAM: God, I don't like my face. GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I'll cover it in pubes. ADAM: What? That's not GOD: Done.
Why did the train get hit by lighting? Because of the conductor.
[mission] CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches? ME: Yeah and now it doesn't work CMDR: What? Let me see ME: I can't...it's in the sink
World's shortest joke Your penis
So a pun, a play on words, and an anecdote walk into a bar. No joke.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
tired of people always telling me go to hospital and that i've lost a lot of blood, its my severe head injury not yours stay out of it
How do you know a vocalist is at your door? She can't find the key and doesn't know where to come in.
I saw a sign that said bad' the other day. I thought, that's not a good sign.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.
What's the difference between a midget and black people? A midget is a small problem. Black people are a huge problem.
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes SIR!
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
What do you call nudes from the 90s hot mail
Thanksgiving Prank - Pregnant Turkey http://tjmix.net/index.php/videos?task=latest&amp;id=557&amp;sl=latest&amp;layout=simple
Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to walk around the world? She drowned.
Things never heard before sex, "Wait let me take off my crocs first"
If there's one thing children have taught me it's how to count down from 5 while pretending there's a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
A man goes to the library and asks for a book on satisfying your partner in the bedroom. The librarian said, "Let me check that it's in first". "Yeah, that's the one."
Did you hear about the Zodiac killer? I heard he cut his victims in to little pisces!
You might be a hipster if... Friend: Did you see that &lt;funny cat picture&gt; on reddit's frontpage? Me: Naah, I don't subscribe to all the big, popular subreddits.
What is the difference between a dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Tried to catch fog yesterday... Mist.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? to get to the body shop : )
What's the slowest, most painful way to kill yourself? Get married.
What's the difference between George W. Bush and Hitler? Hitler was an evil *genius*.
TIL why windows skipped a number going from Windows 8.1 to Windows 10 Because 7 8 9
Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport, boy she has a lot of baggage.
The Little Mermaid (1989) The story of a girl who realizes that she should change EVERYTHING about herself to land a good man...
Copyright In India, copyright means the right to copy.
yo mama so fat that when she puts on her  yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!
"If you could be anyone, living or dead, who..." Me - "dead"
Why can't Americans play chess ? Because they are missing two towers.
I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&amp;M for years." "Really!", I said, "I had no idea!" "Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"
Today is the rest of the world's 9/11 No, seriously, look up the calendar.
Can someone please lecture me on their political views in an aggressive and condescending tone so I may realize the error of my ways?
A man asked his wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day: Wife: "A divorce." Husband: "I really wasn't planning on spending that much."
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.
On a cold, late December day... ... the wall calendar looked across the room at the advent calendar and said: "It looks like our days are numbered, pal".
Ever look out the window of a plane and see a huge target on the roof of a Target? Haven't these people ever watched the History Channel?
Sci Fi Films I don't understand why in Sci Fi films, whenever there's danger they never send in a Cargo ship. So much for the Element of Supplies.
What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint? McLady.
Why do all blacks have acne? Because they all have black heads.
What does the pussy of an 80 year old woman taste like? Depends....
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you're intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My friend took me to a twilight fencing class. I couldn't really see the point.
Definition of clickbait
summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking
Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.
[horror movie in 2169] The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE [entire audience faints]
What's the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Actually agents will screw in just about anything.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I fell in love with a prostitute last night, she had literally everything I have ever wanted in a woman My dick
Why was the Egyptian queen so grumpy? Because, she was on her pyramid!
What do you call a fish that eats shit? A bottom feeder.
I used to be really scared about marriage... In fact, I hear 50% of all marriages end up lasting Forever!
WATSON: do you even have a proper education? SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson WATSON: but, like, beyond that SHERLOCK: nah
If you honestly think I want to hear about the details of your dream you're still fucking dreaming.
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked
What did Khloe Kardashian do for a vegetable? Broke up with James Harden
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipe.
I like my men like I like my chess players... They know how to make an opening.
I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking, I can turn water into Sprite.
One liners Come on /r/jokes, what are your favourite one liners, here's mine: I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Two very unhappy animals.
I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.
My friend asked me if he was gay... I didn't know how to give him a straight answer.
"The police are looking for a man with one eye named Murphy." "What's the other eye called?"
How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change?!
How can you tell if someone's a redditor,in real life? Ask them if they're on reddit. I'm sorry.
Why should Donald Trump change his name to Donald Duck? Because he's a quack.
Nice try Asian guy in porns.
How do they separate the men from the boys in Athens? With a crowbar.
Q: What did the mermaid do last Saturday night? A: She went out with the tide.
Why did God make farts smell? So that deaf people could enjoy them too.
Entered into a hot potato competition today. It really got outta hand.
Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.
How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date? Bring her flours
Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers fight for nicest person ever. Who wins? They both share the trophy
*Breaking news* The inventor of the anagram has died may he 'erect a penis'.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
Van Gogh hands a wrapped up box to his girlfriend. "Vincent, please tell me this isn't another ear." "What?"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chip ! Chip who ? Chip of Fools !
If a rooster lays an egg on a triangular roof, which side does it roll down? Neither! Roosters don't lay eggs!
I'm tired of talking to the monkey!! I wanna talk to the Organ Grinder!!
What's the similarity of a dough and a human? If they are thick, they have a hard time to rise
Daddy! Daddy! I can't stop running in circles! Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Trevor: That's a cool pair of stockings you have on Jill. One red and one green. Jill: Yes and I have another pair just like it at home.
What kind of water do ducks drink? Bottled Waddle.
I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Just another lawyer joke Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
What is the German word for Constipation? Farfrompoopen.
I thought she said "tantrum sex" and this is probably the most I've ever disappointed a woman.
9% Smarter Why are men 9% smarter after sex? They were plugged into a Genius.
I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party... and she woke up with more clothes on. (Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke)
A new Michael Jackson album was released this week and it contains a track titled "Do You Know Where Your Children Are?" Even worse, the next song is called, "Can You Give Me Directions?"
At first I thought this subreddit was beating a dead horse. But it had only fainted.
Which Asians have the softest skin? Laotians
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending (duh dun dun chh)
A sad story A boy was jelous of his baby brother, so he put poison on his mother's nipples. The next day, the gardener died.
perfume should come with instructions like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse points Do NOT marinade in event of overdose take shower
Joke my dad told me: What's black and white and red, and has trouble going through a revolving door? A nun with a javelin through her head
If I had a 1$ for every gender there was... I'd have 2 dollars.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo ANGEL: But they live on land GOD: Yep ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u GOD: Not a bit
In my next life, I'd like to come back as someone who has a life.
My girlfriend was on her. So I put it in her:
Why can it be so annoying to drive a Skoda? The Czech engine light is always on.
What's fourteen inches and white? Nothing.
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dicktator!
My wife said she was feeling Light-Headed from a Low Iron Level... So to help her, I raised the Ironing Board to a more Suitable Height...
Q: What do space aliens put on their windows? A: Venutian blinds.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tutor (tooter) Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.
New Series For The The History Channel The History Channel is planning a new series, "Airline Tragedies." They are putting the pilot together as I write this.
Crossing guards get mad when you call them what they really are... Human Traffic-ers.
I'm not a big fan of chick flicks, but my girlfriend pressured me to pick a favourite. I went with Pounds per Square Inch Love You.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
Why is the Camel so hard to see in the desert? Because it's Camel-flaged...
I like to jump onto people's backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!
If I had a dollar every time someone called me a racist, a lot of black people would try to rob me
What is the hardest thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it. I'm going to hell..
Snow is like sex... You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. ..
What were Jesus' final words? "So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.
How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie? An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? He had no-BODY to go with.
Why does God love atheists? Because they don't bother Him with incessant prayer.
I went on a date with a drinking straw. It really sucked.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I got fired from a suicide hotline Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology.
If The Beatles were from Hawaii... What would they have called their song, "Hello Goodbye?"
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Trump vs. Kanye 2020 Yeah. Fuck it, why not.
Why is singing like autoerotic asphyxiation? Because sometimes you just gotta belt it out
how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.
Freddie Mercury: "Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?" Brian May: um... Fandango? Freddie: "Perfect!" *snorts another line of coke*
What do a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common? They both have wet noses.
Why is it good for a mason to live in constant fear? That way he just shits bricks.
[interview] My biggest weakness is that I'm too literal "That's fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!" *turns to whiteboard* welcome
A black man, muslim, and an illegal alien walk into a bar... And the bartender asks "What are you having Mr. President?"
I accidentally swallowed some Liquid Paper last night ...Today, I woke up with a massive correction.
If the world's fate ever hangs on my mom opening a picture mail on her phone in under ten minutes, we are all doomed.
My dad smeared glue all over his Uzi, and he say's his Glock is next. He can't be talked out of it. He's sticking to his guns.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy - he was america's carrot
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Dear Satan, God never healed my dyslexia so I'm looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey. Love, Me
You and I are like ass cheeks... we're still together after all the shit that's gone between us.
How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero because it's already lit fam.
What's worse than locking your keys in you car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger
What's the Priest favorite breakfast? Kids.
Never date a girl with lots of baggage They'll travel too much, you will never get to see them.
Why did peanut butter flop at the talent show? He didn't have the right jam.
What's Santa's favourite Chinese dish Beef Ho Fun
Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.
Batman walks into a bar... ...Followed by 24 Sodium atoms.
Thanks 'the news', but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school.
If Mitt Romney was president, we'd blame everything on him. "Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn't this cold when Obama was president."
Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids? Me: When are you going to stop?
I'm 100 percent against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.
I farted today and 4 people turned around.. I felt like I was on The Voice.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled "Raiden Wins!"... I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
What did the Jewish pirate say when he heard his wife died? Argh, shiva me timbers
What's the difference between getting the girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car? How pissed your wife gets when you explain the coat hanger.
Where does Skrillex like to eat lunch? He goes to WUBway!
I love dry erase boards... They're remarkable.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite. I know that joke has its faults, so I'll just accept my pumicement and go back to looking at cleavage.
If I was a candle... ...and somebody dumped a bucket of water on me, I'd be quite put out.
Did you know - what is the best thing to put on a delicious cake ? Your MOUTH !!
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don't have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Which dog eats with its tail? All dogs keep their tails on when eating.
The baker wouldn't finish telling me how he makes bread. He said that information was on a knead-to-know basis.
A joke about procrastination. Eh, I'll write it later.
Going to Paris is like inverted anal sex. Wives are always trying to pressure their husbands into doing it.
Every toddler is basically a 1/8th scale model of a person on bath salts.
So Nicole Scherzinger has gone from Lewis Hamilton to Ed Sheeran... Guess orange really is the new black.
What's the difference between a 100 year old and a 4 year old? What base you're counting in.
Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events" Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"
A white girl walks into a bar She passes it with flying colors and becomes a top lawyer
A Lizard lost its tail... but it got one back from a retail shop!
A kid has cancer Then he gets AIDS from his mom
How many chans does it take to change a lightbulb? Lulz!!! etc etc etc :-D
What's Mario's favourite clothing? Denim denim denim
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn't seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Who is this Rorschach guy? And why does he keep making paintings of my parents fighting?
I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...
What do you call a fat skeleton? big boned
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? Klondike
Why does Daenerys Targaryen listen to Hoagy Carmichael? Because she's got Jorah on Her Mind.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm... and says "Pint please, and one for the road."
I don't see what people get from... Dark humor!
What do you call a blond that dyed her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence
I'm taking part in the Hillsborough triathlon today! Football, squash, and fencing.
Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they're trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Knock knock. Who's there? The Jews. The Jews who? Don't question us, that's anti semitic.
What does a beer say when it's cold? Buuuurrrrrr!!!
Scandanavian Booty Call What did the Norse goddess say to Thor when he drunk dialed her? "I aint no Valhalla back girl."
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Doe A deer, a female deer. Ray A hunter, with a gun.
Forget solar and wind, America should figure out a way to power itself on internet backlash and mock outrage.
Have you heard about that cop that shot the black guy? Which one?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn't have electricity.
What are Mario's overalls made out of? *Denim, Denim, Denim*
What's a Cholo's favorite Chinese food dish? Chicken chow meng.
Sometimes, late at night, I stare out the window at the stars and think about all the airlines that have wronged me...
What comes after a great pee? A "Q" I made this joke up today. I don't know if it's been thought of before, but I couldn't go to sleep without posting it for the world :)
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? We're closed  beat it.
TIL King George III had a strong distaste for The Colonies In fact he found them revolting.
What is something all Hispanic people write in college? An ese.
Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney! Merry Christmas sickos! :)
A woman who sits on a judges lap... Get's an honorable discharge.
Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is  butter made from imitation cows.
Like that scene in 'The Revenant' where Leo is mauled by the bear but it's just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Jesus dies for our sins? No, no, no... He died for YOUR sins. I haven't touched a goat inappropriately since third grade.
Ted Cruz just looks like a... Saturday Night Live Skit
I'm not sexist.... because being sexist is wrong, and being wrong is for women.
8yo: mommy how old are you? Me: 46 8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?
Did you hear about Ken M.? He was a master baiter, but they told him to beat it.
Mom, I am very worried... Mom, I am very worried, I have lost 3 kg. - But that are great news, You should be very happy. Yeah, Say it to my Colombian *friends*
A horse walks into a police station Policeman says "Why the long face?" Horse replies "I've just witnessed a murder" [True story](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-29550834)
Kinky and Perverted What is the difference between perverted?? Kinky is when you tickle your lovers ass with a feather ... perverted is when you use the whole chicken!
I will be in a bathroom stall later today to watch Trump's inauguration... ...it will forever be remembered as the day shit went down.
Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.
I woke up with a ringing in my left ear So I put my phone on vibrate.
I thought of something funnier than 24 25
Joseph was changing Jesus' diaper Joseph slowly takes out Jesus' dirty diaper, when Mary suddenly asks, "What's inside?". Joseph exclaimed "Holy shit!".
Went to an astrologer and found out why my wife and I aren't compatible. I'm a Capricorn and she's a fucking BITCH!
What do Jedi and rapists have in common? They both use "The Force".
I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, "I'll get on top." I said, "Great, I'll get the ladder." She said, "You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"
Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.
Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
"The ancients would grind the nougat plant with stones, adding cacao nibs as they worked." Satisfied, Paleo Dad accepts the 3 Musketeers.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
There is no "we" in pizza
Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds! Edit: Please don't hurt me.
I've been "watching my weight" and, rest assured, it's still there.
A tree was knocked down by a recent storm... and destroyed an African family's home. The thing is, we didn't even know they lived up there!
I was so poor as a kid, we only had Onepac Shakur.
I'm going to open a building that functions as a sperm bank as well as a urine analysis center. It'll be called "coming or going".
What's the difference between a happy programmer and a sad programmer? "Hello, world" and "Goodbye, cruel world"
There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs
Apparently it's not acceptable to moan when someone is demonstrating a choke hold on you in crisis prevention training.
What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas? ...Baaaaaahumbug
I really like ethnic foods, but the one type of asian cuisine I haven't had is North Korean food. Then again, neither have citizens of North Korea.
"You're the bomb!" No, you're the bomb!" A compliment in America but an argument in the Middle East Too soon?
we lost our power "why?" a transformer blew up by our house *eyes widen* "that's awes-" it's not as cool as it sounds
What kind of parents are see-through? Transparence!
I got 99 problems but I'm avoiding them all.
[hospital] "We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach." "Is that bahahaad?" "Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."
How do Jewish kids learn to count? 10% off, 20% off, 30% off
Bath Humor Want to hear a dirty joke? Ray rolled in the mud Want to hear a clean joke? Ray took a bath with bubbles Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Butthole". Sometimes I just say things. I don't know.
Orange Jews 100% Concentrated.
Looking for a girlfriend is a lot like fishing There's a lot of fish in the sea but until you find one its just you and your rod
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number. Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar? I don't know.
Did anyone ever find out who let the dogs out?
OMG I love you You're the best You left me Did you bring me stuff OMG Anything I don't care Where have you been I smell someone else -Dogs
Not to Brag: Not to brag, but I own the world's largest collection of air guitars.
The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
Whats the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man? Refrigerators don't fart when you pull the meat out.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That's me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn't brush my teeth, either."
You could sell the cure for Ebola to Gamestop and they'd still only give you $4.99 for it
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2012: he died of hunger.
I'm hungry but broke so I'm waiting for my bf to say he's hungry too than he'll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.
A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, "Not overly racist."
How does Craig Venter drink beer? Shotgun method
I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record... ...she called me a riceist
Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . . Socialist Media.
I prefer masturbating with coconut oil as opposed to lotion It just cums naturally.
What's an avocado's favorite music? Guac N' Roll
What does a man with a 9 inch penis eat for breakfast? Well, Right now I'm frying up some eggs, got some toast in the toaster and the coffees brewing.
Just gargled mouthwash all over my shirt. I'd be a horrible homosexual.
If Jesus were alive today...what type of car would he drive? A chrysler (Christler)
Why couldnt the bike stand on its own? Because it was two tired!
I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades. They never get above C level.
Damn, I burnt one. What did God say when he made the first black man? "Damn, I burnt one."
Old musicians don't die. They just decompose.
Why does Stevie Wonder smile all the time? No one told him he's black.
Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.
ELI5: Why do i suck at posting in the right sub?
Obama's announcement Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.
Obi-wan: You look different. Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs. Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
my cousin's baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like "im here lol. from baby"
Meanwhile, in Facebook, Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his "roommate" of 20 years.
If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
My girlfriend left me a roll of quarters for laundry today She told me to try to not blow it all on one load...
While Ajax sales have been going down... It's still stronger than Greece
Two terrorists are sittign around a campfire..... when all of a sudden a donkey comes along.. The first terrorist jumps up and shouts " Look at that ass!"
What did the father say to the pedophile at the beach? "Hey you're in my son"
I used to work in a haunted pub... There was spirits everywhere.
My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Why is a woman lie a hurricane? When she comes she's wet and wild, but when she leaves she takes the house, the car and the kids...
I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
A gun is like my penis.... On cold lonely nights sometimes I stick the end of it in my mouth
How Do You Get Stoned in Ancient Rome? Start shouting Jehovah.
What do more than half the U.S. population consider a gay marriage? Still not recognizable
What is the difference between 69 and an ambush ? With 69 you see the cunt coming at you.
Church is one of the few places you get on your knees BEFORE a guy gives you wine.
I think I ate too much salmon over Christmas I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Testicular cancer
I went out to eat and told the waiter I wanted the steak bloody rare. He asked if I was worried about the mad cow, to which I replied..... ..... No. My wife will cheer up after you take her order.
What does The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people
What's the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building? Not everyone's been up the Empire State Building
Perhaps one day he'll meet his Girl Fieri.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? Job still sucks after 5 years.
Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None, because feminists cant change anything.
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck
Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.
Did you guys hear the news? Apparently Donald Trump is a cuck.
What do you call a Hebrew that lives in the Alpines? A Mountain Jew.
What is better than Roses on a Piano? Tulips on an Organ.
What did the elephant say when it saw the  Chihuahuas coming down the road? Look out for the mice!
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.
Bummed that there's no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
What do you call a person who loved tractors but doesn't any more? An extractor fan
What do you call a frozen hamburger? A ham-brrr-ger. my 7yo claims she made it up herself.
If you say "Unique New York" (5 times fast) is it easy or hard?
What's the difference between a 4WD and a rental car? A rental car can drive anywhere.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar Just kidding
Mosquitoes are whores. They suck on everyone who goes near them.
A batch of muffins are baking in the oven ... a muffin says to the other muffin 'getting hot in here eh' The other muffin says HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN
Coffee Joke [OC] So the coffee asked the creamer, "Are you outraged by our working conditions too, or do you support management?" The creamer replied, "I'm half and half." ^^^I'm ^^^Sorry.
What did the Banana say to the Vibrator "I don't know why you're shaking, she's going to eat me!"
A man goes to his Doctor. man- Doc i cant stop singing Tom Jones songs, have you ever heard of such a thing? Doctor- Its not unusual.
They should sell flags for fake countries so people can burn them without offending anyone.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."
Why are people afraid to talk to black people? Their scared they'll say something nigative
I sleep with all my cupboards opened so that when i bump into them while sleep walking im woken up abruptly
did you hear about the kidnapping at the high school? It's OK. He woke up.
Nice being home from work so I can finally continue sitting only now it's in a slightly more comfortable environment.
Funniest joke ever Your dick is big
What do you call a short sleeved British shirt? A tea-shirt. Please don't hurt me.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they're for multiple people*
How does a cow quickly do math? With a cow-culator! (Rimshot)
How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked.
Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
What's the difference between a daydreamer and a pervert? A daydreamer stares out of windows.
What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse's head in the sheets.
What did the ISIS fighter say when he went to bomb the Hawaiian cafe? ALOHA SNACKBAR
Nice job person who came up with bread.
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? They're really good at it.
"My friend got me a Fitbit" ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven't got one tho "u can buy them online" ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?
Why did users stop coming to r/jokes? Because their jokes weren't very funny.
What's a similarity between Old Navy and Jerry Sandusky... Both of their pants are half off
Mad Cow Disease Q: Why do cows get the mad cow disease? A: Anyone would go mad if someone squeezes your tits four times a day, but only let you have sex once an year!
I think what irritates me most about Katy Perry is that I thought she was a Zooey Deschanel SNL character until about 2 months ago.
What do you call memories of old Playstation? Sony-stalgia
Donald Trump used to enjoy having first wife Ivana.... sit on his knees so he could raise and lower her. Guess not the first time he bounced a Czech.
#NAME?
What do gamers make for New Years? A New Years RESOLUTION
[counseling] She gets angry a lot "He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere" YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
What's the sound of a water truck hitting a vinegar truck? KAAA DOOOUUCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey something came in the mail today... What? Deez Nutz! Haha Got Em!
I just bought a device that makes my car 95% quieter! It fits perfectly over her mouth.
Women's Rights.
me: Did you brush your teeth? 9: Yes me *hands him a glass of orange juice* 9: Do I have to? me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
They've discovered King Kong was indeed heterosexual... ...it was booty that killed the beast.
Hey, Jose! How many of our friends do you see? Just Juan.
I went to the Zoo once. It had only one dog. It was a Shitzu.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water? One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
How do you get a blonde on your roof? Tell her drinks are on the house.
I am going to stay up tomorrow and watch the election results... But all the commercials say "If your election lasts longer than four hours, please call your doctor."
Reddit right now http://imgur.com/hcmqCjU
I just forked over $5,000 for a reincarnation seminar I figured what the hell you only live once.
I attached all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time.
Vegetarians eat vegetables... What do veterinarians eat? (you thought I was gonna ask about humanitarians, didn't you?)
If the backup sensor beeping in my car is keeping with the beat of the song I'm listening to I'm probably just gonna hit whatever it is.
Fighting childhood obesity.... ....is as easy as taking candy from a baby.
What are some good "hate on America" jokes from other countries? Try your best to offend me! I want something to make me go fuck, that was good.
"See? I'm not nothing," I thought... ...as the sliding glass doors opened for me :(
A lot of people have a fear of flying. Not me. I have a fear of crashing and dying. #pussies #imbrave
What's the difference between pizza and a jew? Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
[grocery store] Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay Me (still chewing): well I never
She asked me for an example of a double entendre So I gave it to her.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe
Do you think people who chanted "Drill baby, drill!" for Palin had even a flicker of self awareness while watching Avatar?
The lobotomist ran off with my wife... And I think he took off with my better half.
Why did the crayon want to be a phone? Because it wanted to be a texta.
I was suppose to write a sodium joke... But Na
WHAT is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WAH TAHH!!!!
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Why are black people so good at basketball? The core elements of the game are things they have been doing forever. Shoot, steal and run.
Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull.
Q: What mythological monster casts no reflection? A: All of them.
How do you catch a rabbit? Sit in a field and make carrot noises.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it's windy outside. And outside.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a "beef?"
I've been nominated for person most likely to not be nominated for anything.
#rubbishjokes Noah's diary - 39th day: "The dragon pie was really scrumptious."
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
It all The title says it all
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner? The placement of the dirt bag.
In 1974 I helped a man called "Falcon" throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I'm kinda terrified for 2015 2 + 0 + 1 + 5 = 8. The EXACT number of nipples Hitler would've had if he had 6 more nipples!
You're supposed to throw rice at new babies and their mothers, right? Traditions are weird.
The paraplegic would be easy to oppress They would never make a stand for their rights
Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?? Because when she gets to 69 she has a Frog in her throat.
What does a jewish pedophile say to a kid Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?
Why don't female mathematicians use tampons? They are weary of anything that advertises discrete AND continuous protection.
Velcro sanitary towels... They're a bloody rip off
*young woman walks by Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don't you think? Me: NO WAY, I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
Wife and I are having an argument: At what point do we tell the highway it's adopted?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU... YOU... EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
"IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?!?" I screamed on the plane. 3 men shot up. "Ok, now are any of you single? I need a sugar daddy. I do butt stuff."
I read a book about frogs today... It was ribbeting.
How do you know a presidential candidate is lying? Their lips are moving.
You know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2
I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She's tattooed with the names of the previous winners.
I'm so Italian . . . I even text with my hands.
Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.
Dance like you're not the father
Should I take something for my kleptomania??
No matter close I get to her when I do them, I cannot seem to startle my dog with my farts.
What's the difference between my job and a dead hooker? My job still sucks
Why did the old man buy his wig at the thrift store? Because he didn't want toupee.
What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke. (Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)
What's the difference between Broccoli and boogers? Kids don't eat broccoli.
Why aren't there any black people in the Air Force? They're still afraid of hangars.
Whenever there is injustice in the world, Americans will rise up and retweet a hashtag.
Men are creepy, super creepy, but also a lady just stood on the same escalator step as me and lit a lighter and just held it the whole ride.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE *noah looks at boat full of dead animals* do u kno how long this took
[dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."
I bet if I could see into the future, I would use that power to watch a lot more TV.
Why can't Cinderella play soccer? Because she keeps running away from the ball
I've decided I want to start a career in Mirror Cleaning It's just something I can see myself doing.
I went to the library the other day.. but I couldn't get in, it was fully booked.
When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?" answer "Scissors." then drive away..
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock. It's not great, but it gets me out the house.
I can't believe it's been 5 years since Tyler Perry's Hurricane Katrina.
I asked a pretty homeless woman... I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Back in my day you knew who your real friends were because they ranked you in order of importance on Myspace.
3 guys walk into a bar The 4th one ducks.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn't send you subtweets.
Did you hear about the guy that was half Black and half Japanese ... ... every December 7th he would attack Pearl Bailey.
Some ascetics were headed into the forest to meditate and one shouts "hey budd, you gonna come seek enlightenment with us?" "Namaste right here."
Why did the homeless women keep flies in a plastic bottle? That was her vibrator.
Why are Americans so bad at chess? They already lost two towers.
People tend to think I'm a serial killer.... They don't think that for for very long though!
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren't we helping to find them?
What's the matter? Hydrogen, mostly.
Every morning when I wake up I wonder to myself, "Is today going to be the day that Lou Bega drops Mambo No. 6?"
Went to the Doctor Yesterday... Went to the Doctor yesterday, he thinks I suffer from Paranoia... Well, he didn't say that, but I know he is thinking it!
The whole Greek Mythology could be summed up in one line............ "Unfortunately, Zeus was feeling a bit too horny."
This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Fuck you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."
Remember, freedom isn't free. If you're with the military-industrial complex, it can be incredibly profitable.
Asian's pets Asian's eyes don't water when their pets die, their mouths do.
Did you guys hear about the funk singer who stubbed his toe? He said "ow".
What's a lannister's favorite pop star? Katy Perry, because you're going hear her roar
These hospital bills are killing me! I'm starting to think buying a hospital wasn't such a good idea.
Ever notice that a European male tourist dresses like a 7th grade girl from the suburbs? Graphic tees and Hollister jeans allllll day.
What kind of birds do you usually find locked up ? Jail-birds !
those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting
Geography puns So I was trying to look up some Geography puns, but I couldn't find any.
[stranded on deserted island] *spells out message in rocks* WHAT'S THE WIFI PASSWORD
Hey do you mind if I play street fighter with you? SHORYUKEN!
You're so empty inside....nnn....stupid fridge.
Where do you send hyperactive jewish children for summer vacation? Concentration camp.
I just held the door open for an Asian guy. He said, "Sank you," so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
people who can fall asleep quickly freak me out don't they have thoughts
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
Did you hear about that guy who put 19 toy horses up his butt? His condition is stable.
The Pythagorean Theorem, Newton's Third Law and Bernoulli's Principle walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm not going to get this joke aren't I?"
How Many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they're so darn stupid!
Women that say size doesn't matter are just? Shallow
I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out I ask the guy who is running the gym, "Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?" He smiles says "Try the ATM in the lobby".
What is a cation afraid of? A dogion
What do you call an 8 day long blowjob? Hanukkah Lewinski
I'm going to open a store called Chasm It will be like the Gap, but a lot bigger.
What does Harry Potter say when he walks into a bar? I Expectsum Patronum
What the pepper say to the angry chilli? If you don't cool down, I'm going to get jalapeno business
Hillary Clinton has become so famous that they started naming footwear after her They call it the flip flop
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!
For Halloween this year, I went as Julian Assange And stayed home.
Hi, I'm Tim Cook and I will teach you how to count in decimals * 10.1 * 10.2 * 10.3 * 10.4 * 10.5 * 10.6 * 10.7 * 10.8 * 10.9 * 10.10
They say there is safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million jews.
Women have eggs and milk in them... And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" -"A little early isn't it, Woody?" -"For a beer?" -"No, for stupid questions."
Women's history isn't a month.... It's only 28 days.... Period.
Hmmm... Should I be a TA or a "Lady of the night"? "If you wanted people to fuck you for money you could just continue being a TA. I get told I'm fucking people's lives all the time."
Three Mexicans walk in to a bar... You'd think Juan would've seen it.
One injured in Greyhound rollover in Texas. But the rest of the puppies are fine.
Kill him, he's different! -History
What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's head before she died? Her asshole.
What's the highest story of any building? Floor 20
Every man has two heads... One holds the brain, and the other makes all the decisions.
What is a female peacock? A peacunt
Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it... But those who fail to clear history are doomed to explain it! **Credits to Rob Denbleyker of Cyanide &amp; Happiness**
Did you know that the 16th presidency had the best records kept? I think they were called the Lincoln Logs.
Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected... contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion? He was moist-jew-rising.
Donald Trump for President.
Did you see the video of the guy making out with the lady with the Zika Virus? Yeah, apparently it went viral. I know this is awful, but my coworkers laughed... so I got that going for me.
What's the difference between A circus and a brothel? One has a cunning array of stunts..
Fine, you drive. I won't tell you how. I'll just yell WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA THROW UP AND WE'RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.
I am kinda scared of 2015 because 2+0+1+5=8. The exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 6 more nipples.
Chicken Pot Pie My three favorite things.
Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common... both are essential when I take a s$it.
Horrible Breakfast wife: "do u want your eggs boiled?" husband: "no, first boil your milk"
Snotty bitch in the elevator was looking down her nose at me. So I had to ask her, "Lady, can I smell your pussy?" Indignantly, she said, "No, you may not!" "Oh, well, then it must be your feet!"
What country has the strictest dress code? Thai-land.
How do you excite an idiot? I'll tell you later.
At 31 years old, I decided to grow up, kick a bad habit and stopped biting my nails. The nosebleeds are getting annoying, though.
What if you had an eye in your asshole? Imagine all the shit you would see...
What is the ghost of an Australians favourite dessert? Boo-meringue
I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much. Me: Aw. 5: *spreads arms even wider* But I'd love you this much if we had a pool.
My doctor said that high levels of hormones were causing me to prematurely ejaculate. On my way home I bought a gag for my wife.
What did Antonin Scalia's pathologist write in his autopsy report? Cause of death: Hippy-energy induced heart attack. Time of death: finally.
What's also red and know if you're naughty or nice? My penis during my girlfriend's period
How does the pedophile like his music? Just like his dick - in a minor.
Stop being so hard on yourself. You don't have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.
A surprise party on someone's birthday isn't surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Whoever invented the knock knock jokes should get the Nobel prize. The No bell prize
Why did the hipster burn his mustache on his coffee? ...he was totally drinking it before it was cool.
My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship.. But I still wish she didn't have one at all.
I'm not worried about chemtrails anymore. My flu shot must be kicking in.
How do you save a Republican from drowning? Take your foot off of their head.
How do computers measure pain? Gigahurts. (Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)
The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven't had to deal with any Foo in years.
If you're Russian when you go into the bathroom, and Finnish when you come out; what are you while in the bathroom? European
If someone could find a way to make all pets live as long as humans that person would win all the Nobel prizes until the end of time.
Jehovah's Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies ...
[Command Center] *opens map* *traces route* *marks intercept point* *drives* *waits* *target arrives *tackles* Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
What do you call the neighborhood where all the poor Italians live? The spaghetto.
What do you call an anorexic person with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Stealing candy from your kids is awesome... ...because you can justify your actions by stating that candy is not healthy for them. It's a win-win.
If you're such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.
*first date (Me, texting) This is awful. She's boring, has no sense of humor & rude Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Why did r/TwoXChromosomes flood? The dyke broke.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The Internet. The internet: Where Men are Men, Women are Women, and children are the FBI...
Do you know whats black on the bottom and white on top? Society
Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes? To carry his library card.
Plucked from obscurity by the glorious hand of RT the little tweet shouldered its way into your timeline with eyes that shined like justice.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I'm in a marching band.
The last thing my wife gave me before she died... ... was her epi pen. I don't know why, but it seemed like she thought it was very important that I have it.
I've been putting vodka in my fruit smoothies. Also no fruit.
Me: And what do you do if I tell you I'm having a heart attack? Siri: I clear your browser history. Me: That's right darling.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you a flat minor
What's a Democrat's favorite genre of music? Progressive rock.
Where do puppies go when they die? Back into the microwave so I can get in another round.
One thing that Trump's supporters love most about him is his authenticity... Unfortunately, he also embodies the most dangerous example of inauthenticity: the combover.
What do you call a ghost who had a sex change? TRANSparent
I saw a midget escaping from jail the other day He was looking down on me as he climbed down a rope. I though to myself, that's a little con descending
Sex is like a cookie It's usually good, but most people like it better raw
What's black and white and red all over? An assassinated President.
Did you hear that the DMV is going make all stop signs bilingual for Spanish Speakers in 2014? It's not going to be too expensive, though, all they have to do is add the "e" to the front.
What is Jar Jar Binks' favorite food? Meesa Soup
How do we know that insects are so clever ? Because they always know when your eating outside !
What kind of shoes do pedophiles like? White Vans
Unfair fight. Housewife Holly Holm defeats Rousey with ironing skills... Because she layed her out and starched her ass.
A Man Loses His Eye in a Fight The first thing he says to his eye doctor is: "Eye didn't see it coming."
Wife Wanted! A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received hundred of letters. They all said the same thing: ["You can have mine."](/spoiler)
When I see someone's name trending on twitter, I used to be afraid they died. Now I'm afraid they're a Republican presidential candidate.
Take my advice  I'm not using it.
High-definition ruined porn for me. I like my porn blurry so I can't see butt acne and herp scars.
I don't use my power for good or evil. Mainly, I use it to watch TV, microwave food, and charge my phone.
What is Donald Trump's favourite nation? Discrimination.
Capital letters. It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
what do you do when your wife turns 40 exchange her for 2 20s
What did one bag of shit say to the other bag of shit? "Ugh, stop standing so colostomy."
Why do black people have nightmares? We killed the only one with a dream
I hate trying to wipe my ass without my glasses on I can't see shit
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.
Call me Christopher Columbus, Because I'm coming to get India.
Show me on this Georgia O'Keeffe painting where the bad man touched you.
Just bought some 007 Viagra It makes you rodger more
#VALUE!
K: 1s(2)2s(2)2p(6)3s(2)3p(6)4s(1) Or you can write it in noble gas notation as [Ar]4s(1) and all of those numbers argon. (OC)
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn't seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Use chemicals to remove polish nobody bats an eye Use chemicals to remove Polish and you are literally Hitler.
Twitter is just LinkedIn for the chronically unemployed.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
Where do cat astronauts go? Meowterspace
"If you text me, I'll call you back just cuz it's more efficient." - a monster
[shark tank] "Hi, what's your product idea?" Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I'm here to see the tank of sh-... I've made a mistake
I got a 0 on my computers test. a 01000001
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
What do Derek Jeter and girls' asses have in common? They're both overrated bags of shit
What kind of shark is always drunk? A hammeredhead
What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm.
What do you call a baby girl who died of alcohol poisoning? Give me a blender and we'll call her a bloody mary.
If I give you breakfast in bed just say "thanks" Not "who are you" and "how did you get in here"
A talented artist sculpts a dog out of melons. After it looks perfect, he takes a picture of it, then starts eating it. He is suddenly very sad. He was full of *melon-collie*.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift.
Edward Scissorhands was beaten mercilessly by the school bully, Edward Rockhands
What did the cheese vendor say to the robber? "Hey! That's nacho cheese!"
Why is that Mac owners always say their computers never get viruses... ...when it is clear that being a pretentious douche is a clear example of a virus that is exclusive to Mac ownership?
How do you make an elephant sandwich?  First of all you get a very large loaf...
What is Saturn's favorite movie? Lord of the Rings.
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
You have to admit that if you saw Santa Claus actually coming down the chimney you'd freak the fuck out, presents or no presents.
What do people and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
Sometimes It's nice just to sit with the person you love. But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all "Why you at our table?"
Some people, SOME damn people, only tell jokes with famous French people in the punch line... Deneuve! DeGaulle!
BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit Tim Tebow hired by mistake. After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.
I'm at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald's employee what my change back should be.
I failed to stop a suicidal Catholic guy from blowing himself up. "Abort, abort abort", I shouted.
Popsicle sticks are depressing.
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
if i was a klingon the first thing i would do is grow out my bangs
Why did Adele cross the road? So she could say hello from the other side
I wonder if they ever considered calling it Jerry & Ben's.
Oxycodone With my wisdom teeth gone, I was hoping of getting a bit of a high, but all it did was relieve pain. well that was a "downer"
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85 That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship EDIT: Didn't excpect to get this many upvotes. Thanks!
What do you call a robotic priest? The Sermonator.
Just slammed 12 wheatgrass shots now everyone at Whole Foods is trying to take my keys
Stevie Wonder was once asked if there could be anything worse then being blind. To which he replied "Well... I could have been black".
You know how I got my dick to 12 inches? I cut it in half.
Why I don't joke about politicians? Because I don't joke about jokes.
Why is the moon so grumpy? It's just going through one of its phases.
What do they do with Tickle-Me-Elmo's before he leaves the factory? Give him a couple of test-tickles.
What do you call it when a therapist falls down for no reason? A Freudian slip.
My girlfriend is a pornstar She will kill me if she finds out. Edit: Holy poop, front page of reddit mum get the camera
Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999 Because back then the worst thing I had to worry about was just a computer glitch destroying civilization.
If I had to remove any part in my body I'd remove my spine, it's holding me back.
What does 007 wear on his head? A Bondana.
Oh, you're an American? Yeah, right. Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
What type of car insurance does OJ da Juiceman have? Triple Aaayyy
Giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Where do you go to meet the best fish?  It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.
Did you hear about Dictionary: The Musical? It's a play on words...
Don't you hate it when you don't know something and have no way of finding out? We need some kind of... global information network.
What's the most positive thing about Africa? HIV
Why did Cindrella sucked at baseball? Because she kept running away from the ball.
When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint
What's the difference between an American and a Briton? Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
I am waiting for scientist to invent invisible chocolate nobody will see me getting fat.
I think they need to come out with an R rated Toy Story where the mom's sex toys all come to life too. The theme song should still be "You got a friend in me".
What did the Alabama State sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? The worst case of suicide he has ever seen.
If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"? A "subreddit"
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Hey Girl Scout, let your mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math.
beluga whales singing and one that cant sing lol http://youtu.be/UlJ5GhYzHIY
What do you call an Atheist at a Christian fancy dress party? A cross-dresser.
Did you know that Matthew Broderick was the first Iron Man in the movies? He was Ferrous Bueller.
You've been robbed by *360 spin* A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*
Father walks in son's room and catches him masturbating........ Father says, "Son if you don't stop that you'll go blind." Son responds, "Dad, I am over here."
Why do black guy's eyes get red after sex. mace
I banned birthday parties in the office because if you don't care enough about yourself to take the day off why should we care about you.
9/10 people actually enjoy a group rape
I was in a band called Obese Bastards. What can I say. We went through a stage.
What do you call a cow with no legs?? Ground Beef
My girlfriend let me try anal with her. It made my whole day! But it made her hole weak.
So I thought about getting a Chinese hooker... But then I realized that I'd just be horny again in an hour
What do you call a pig stuck in a topiary? A hedgehog.
Texting you back right away doesn't make me a psycho. What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
What do toilet paper and the star ship enterprise have in common They both circle Uranus and battle klingons
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? 2 one to change the light bulb, and the other to hold the peni-- I MEAN LADDER
Do you know why I pulled you over? "Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet." I meant this time "Oh. No." Please step out of the oven.
I started a business selling landmines that resemble prayer mats. Prophets are through the roof.
My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn't real. The irony is not lost here.
*During math test* My answer: 28. Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45. Me: "well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer."
The thing about driving in Lebabon the traffic can get Beirutal!
I'm officially putting my GPA up for adoption... I just can't raise it myself [joke credit to the girl I overheard say it in the library] Edit: apparently its from yikyak?
Nothing bums me out more than realizing how many celebrity baby names I know.
I've always got women knocking on my door... Sometimes I let them out.
I don't blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I'd bite their leg off too.
Cease &amp; desist to all of Reddit I've trademarked PLAGIARISM and seek to protect my trademark from infringement.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower! Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower. H: Yeah but you're not in it right now, I am.
How Are A Prostitute And A Pirate Ship Alike? They're both full of seamen.
*wife phones* "Hi!" "Hi! Did you clean the house?" "Uhh...YUP!" "OK, I'm coming home. Need anything?" "Yes, about 2 hours."
I decided to sell my vacuum... It was just collecting dust.
If I ever make a list of dumb things I have done my ex would be right on top.
Netflix is becoming a viable competitor to cable service So your local cable company is now offering headend and bellend
Who Died? The husband comes home drunk. His wife asks him: -Where have you been?! -**At the cemetery...** - And who died? -**You won't believe it: they are all died**
How many psychologists does it take to change a tire? Just one, but first the tire really has to want to change.
I call my penis "Pizza" Because when you get it it is firm, gooey, and delicious. But if you leave it out to long it gets hard and crusty
What's brown and sticky? A stick. *I'm sorry I couldn't resist.*
A gambler hits the jackpot *What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?* - asks his wife. "31 black"
Pizza at gay marriages will inevitably become a trend. It will be largely symbolic (and artisanal).
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide
What is a long, tiresome speech delivered by a frothy pie topping? Meringue-harangue
When I'm bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils. "I now pronounce you pan and knife."
I keep thinking I'd like for my girlfriend and I to have a threesome But then I think "I have enough trouble pleasing one woman, let alone some dude too."
Getting paid to sleep... That's my dream job.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
There are 10 types of people in this world Those that know binary ... And the rest have girlfriends
Q: What's a cat's second favorite food? - A: Spa-catti!
Q: Why does a farmer look out of his window in the morning? A: Because he can't see through the wall.
So I farted in an apple store Everyone got mad so I said too bad you don't have windows
Where do snowmen keep their money ? In a snowbank !
Think you're smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My Mom watched me play "Madden" for 40 minutes then asked "What game are you watching?" I wonder what she thought I was doing with my hands.
What do you call an unfriendly American from the 60's? An anti-socialist
God took a paternity test He found out he was the father, the son and the holy spirit.
How do you answer the question "What's new?" without sighing really loudly first?
34 of the A-Team have just launched a valiant rescue mission I heard they were just trying to save Face after their last failure, though.
Ted Cruz wants a 19% federal sales tax on goods and services made in the U.S. The only thing flatter than this proposal : his personality.
Why is American beer like having sex in a canoe? it's fucking close to water.
My dad is stupid. He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car.
What popular board game do dyslexics hate? Scramble
When I was a kid, ppl would cover me in sauce, throw nuts, cherries & sprinkle hundreds & thousands over me.. Life was tough in the gateau.
My wife says she hates it when our next door neighbour sunbathes topless in the garden. Personally I'm on the fence.
I was sitting in the traffic the other day That's why i got run over.
If you're ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns... ...go for the juggler.
Why did the bike fall over? It was "two" tired.
What do you call Batman when he skips Church? Christian Bale.
We have technology which allows people to see through walls. We call them windows.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking] "YOU NEED TO LEAVE" me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: "I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS"
A lady goes to the emergency room with a vibrator stuck in her cooter. The doctor says, "That's going to be hard to remove." She says, "I don't want it removed. Just change the batteries for me."
My son is a real hand full. I didn't have any tissues handy.
How many virgins does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. But he will pull it back out and stick it back in again just to make sure he`s got the right hole.
How come Landscapers have huge loads? They are always edging.
What did the vegan give the homeless guy? A lecture.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you're mistaken ...its pronounced sexy.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?! Me: It was getting freezer-burned. W: I just bought it today! Me: Crazy freezer.
Does life imitate art or does art imitate life? Either way I've lost 1000 dollars playing poker with these dogs
What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty two year old's? There is twenty of them.
What's your best limerick? There once was a fellow McSweeny Who spilled some gin on his weenie Just to be couth He added vermouth Then slipped his girlfriend a martini
Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?
Have you heard about this? It's a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing.
What did the pedophiliac rabbi say to the young boy? Hey there little boy, you wanna BUY some candy?
When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.
I saw a midget in a KKK outfit today I think he is a little racist.
I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD. The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.
Chuck Norris tries this at home.
Why did the chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan!
A Sikh man had to face street harassment, teasing and rude jokes about his homeland and fellow countrymen in America. Why are we so mean to Canada guys ?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
In English there's a word for fucking everything. It's 'pansexual'
What do you call a lycanthrope you've snuck up on? An unaware wolf.
What's the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of babies? You can't unload a truck full of marbles with a pitchfork.
What do all Yale and Harvard students have in common? They got into Yale.
I'm starting an Atheist corporation... it's a non-prophet organization.
If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
A man goes to a new doctor for a checkup upon which the doctor discovers he has five penises. The doctor says, That's unbelievable, how do your pants fit! The man says "Like a glove."
Lost and Found I was reading the lost and found section of the paper and saw this: "Found, one black boy's bicycle." Wonder how they knew?
79 million people are without access to drinkable water Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!
There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns--maybe one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Did you hear about the kidnapping today? He woke up though so it's okay.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls. My dad told me this like 10 years ago and I can't get it out of my head...
What does a neckbeard tip his fedora to in soviet russia? "M'otherland"
When you see geese flying to warmer a climate ever wonder why one side of the V is longer? It's because that side has more geese.
What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood? You can't drink sand.
What do California zombies eat? Graaaiiins.
I wanted to tell you an UDP joke But you won't get it.
Feel free to not tell me how sore you are from working out.
Can't think of a good Halloween costume? Go as a failed abortion. You don't even have to dress up, you uncreative fuck
Why did Michael Brown rob the convenience store? He was so hungry he could eat a bullet.
Why do redditors make such good fencers? They're used to dealing with ripostes.
I asked my North-Korean friend how it was there... He said he couldn't complain.
Saltwater The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty.
Why does beyonce sing about the "box to the left" Because women have no rights
I don't need anyone with a so-called degree "to" tell me I use quotes wrong.
Your ex-girlfriend has endorsed you on LinkedIn for "Ignoring Glaring Personal Issues!"
My Grandpa told me this joke when I was 16... It took me a few years to understand it. How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
What did Sonic the Hedgehog say during Ramadan? "Gotta go fast!" ^I'll^see^myself^out...
what do you call a sad tree? Mourning wood
How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
Justin Bieber and Selena have broken...dammit they were my favorite lesbian couple!!
Why isn't Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.
What is Peter Pan's favorite place to eat? Wendy's
So many pants. So little yoga.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
You say "my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle" like its a bad thing.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see the idiot. Knock knock *Who's there?* The chicken...
I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.
How do Asians see the world? In widescreen.
Whats the last thing that goes through a fly's brain before it hits my car windshield? Its arse.
What did papa butter say to troublesome son butter? You had *butter* behave now, alright son? I sure know you don't want to get *whipped*!
What do you call the family members of the Force? Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.
First Ebola and now Measles... Is there ANYTHING hipsters won't bring back!?
"You'll never see him coming!" - Quote by Stevie Wonder
So a guy goes to the doctor to get a physical and the doctor says, "Holy shit you have five penises, how do your pants fit?" The guy replies, "Like a glove."
Just found out my wife is a dolphin in a wig.
How do you get a woman from to be, to bed? Give her the D.
What are a parrot's favourite literary characters? Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
Dying in a tsunami isn't so bad... At least the earth gives you a wave goodbye.
Is it solipsistic in here... Or is it just me?
The American stock market is a bear BULL shit
I just cut my mouth on a potato chip. People in third world countries are so lucky they don't have to worry about this happening to them.
A Scotsman was running down the street with his mouth open... He'd heard there was a nip in the air.
how many sexual perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb? only one. but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.
Q: How does a blind skydiver know the ground is near? A: The leash goes slack.
Why did the horse fail German? Because he could only say, "neighn!"
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won't you just text him?
I guess Phillip Hughes was the first Aussie To die of a bowler. Badum Tiss.
Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.
I have bad knees. It runs in my family. Now nobody in my family runs.
Gone are the days when I could just jump in the pool fully clothed without thinking twice. Thanks a lot, Steve Jobs.
I don't want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Two penguins are taking a bath together... ... One penguin asks the other penguin, "Hey, could you pass the soap?" and the other one says, "Whah do I wook wike, a typewhita??"
What did Admiral Ackbar say when he saw someone unfolding a 10'x15' sheet of canvas? IT'S A TARP!!!
im a proud member of an elitist clique which spawned from the entenmann's bakery product support forums back in the early '00s
"We're going to chop off your testicles so we can love you until we decide you need to die." --pet owners
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
My boss: Are you on Twitter? Me: I've never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you're acting funny.
A Bartender Says, "We Don't Serve Time Travelers" A time traveler enters the bar.
What's the only disease a potato can get? tuber-culosis
Why do Republicans oppose Gay Marriage AND Obamacare? Because they hate mandates.
Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it's like wow those look cool but in person it's all omg what do I do
What was Rudolph's nickname? Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names. Credit to my dad.
What do you call a fish with three eyes? fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)
With as much as Adobe nags me to update, I feel like I should have its surname and be making it sandwiches all the time.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
Vader: "I am your father." Luke: "I am your father." Vader: "Stop copying me." Luke: "Stop copying me." Vader: "Shut up." Luke: "Shut up."
You know what they say about fleeting boners They cum and they go
What do you call a hippy's wife? Mississippi.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief] COP: *squints* Was it you? GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The emperor's new joke
I leave the interview room as I entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster
I've got a sense of deja vu It seems like last year was only yesterday.
What does a monster do when he loses his head?  He calls a head hunter.
Show me a dude eating pork ribs and macaroni after midnight and I'll show you a dude about to hit send on this tweet.
Who ate a lot and conquered Rome? Atilla the Hungry.
I've got loads of jokes about undelivered letters. But people just don't get them.
My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test... A+
I once went to a blonde psychiatrist She blew my mind.
Why can't Kylo Ren get a date? Because he has always Ben Solo.
Hey, did you hear about that Coldplay concert in China? It was all yellow.
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to  tell you off this week what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!
A physicist saw a man standing on a ledge The physicist yelled out "Don't jump, you have so much potential!"
Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers? Under his buckin' hat.
Why can't pencils have babies? Because they have rubbers on their end.
If anyone is interested I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.
Why is r/Jokes only text, and forbids external links? Because black people can't be offended if they're only reading jokes.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I'm a meatball
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We're going to need somewhere to go after this next election
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure? DR DOG: *places cuff around cat's neck* Sure CAT: Shouldnt that go on m- DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
The list of Republican Presidential Candidates.
Which is the worst hand to lose? The second one.
I regret to inform you that I've had better lays from a bag of chips.
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women's attention. I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.
Hi, my name is USA, and I am... addicted to starting wars in Muslim countries. This is my first meeting and I'm a little nervous.
My piggy bank was robbed the other day. I tried to ask him how he felt... ... But he was evidently shattered
damn girl are you my old Gamecube? because for some reason i cant turn you on anymore but we used to have alot of fun
Hey Dad, do the Indian people celebrate Thanksgiving? They did. Once.
[ First Date ] Her: So you're a MMA fighter? * flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom's * Me: Yea, I'm still training
Starbucks job interview: "What's your name?" "Alyssa" "Spell that please" "L A R I S S A" "When can you start?"
How much does freedom weigh? A WashingTon.
[My Joke] Where do noodles get their nails done? At the spa-getti.
What did one wall say to the other wall? Let's meet up in the corner.
What is the name of the guy with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
I've been searching for my stolen bed. And I won't rest until I find it.
What did 0 say to 8? Why's your belt so tight bruh?
Wife: "Why don't you ever callout my name when  we're making love?" ! Husband: "Because I don't want to wake  you."
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N...only with slapping.
look son... rome wasnt built in Ade!! rome was built in I-TA-LY. do u even kno where Ade is?! A-FRI-CA. AFRICA. how r u goimg to pass school
Referring to another employee as a "gingeraffe"will land you in sensitivity training...no matter how tall and redheaded they are.
Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
I was thinking of opening up a new business... For teenage abortions called: Little miss conceptions
I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa. Well, I think it is a scam. Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving.
Why couldn't the man marry the melon? It was a cantaloupe.
Why don't Raggedy Ann &amp; Andy have any children? Cotton balls
Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey. Which is why I'm not allowed within 100 yards of a playground.
Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa? Nelson Candela
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was "layla"
Now, if you all will excuse me I'm going into my closet and I'm not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist...
New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
I almost got raped in jail ... My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of marijuana recently: "It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana. If it had been a bag of spinach, I'd be dead by now."
I'm terrible at telling jokes I always mess up the punch limes
A Muslim, A Christiana and a Jew walk into a bar, The Muslim blows up the place before anyone could say anything.
What kind of cologne applies itself? Elon Musk
I failed my origami course But it was not my fold
I had to make a sign for the International Haiku club: International Haiku appreciation Conference meeting
A miner is selling raw ore... He's approached by a blacksmith who says, "I'll take it." The miner questions, "Which one?" Blacksmith replies," Either ore." BADUMTISSSS
Dear girls, not every guy is in love with you, sometimes they like your prettier friend and need your help.
While we frantically work to solve the budget crisis, a much bigger threat looms. Cats are running out of funny photo poses.
I just took a part time job at a vitamin store... for some supplemental income.
Superb Waiter Our waiter went above and beyond his job description. He brought a lot to the table.
Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
A Cuban just arrived on a raft... And is being interviewed when they ask him Name? "Manolo". Sex? "Two to three times a week" No,no i mean Male or Female? "Well whatever I can get that week"
What do neckbeards like to spread on their toast? Marma'lady ^tip
"If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus." What I actually said: "Yes, Claire, you're makeup looks lovely today!"
Thanks for reminding me to "have a safe trip." I was going to roll down a cliff and let the river float me to my destination. Close call.
A man was arrested from leaving families of puppies in the street. He was charged with littering
What do frogs say? Times fun when you're having flies
What is an Arkansas virgin? A girl who can run faster than her brothers.
Afraid to die alone... ...become a bus driver!
The first rule of Rule Club is that we talk about the rules. A lot.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
A DEER IN THE WOODS. A little sweet old lady, told me this one. Question: What did they Deer say when she came out of the woods?\ Answer: "I will never do that again for 2 bucks?" My reply: Ha Ha! :)
A blind man is tapping his way past the fish market. He stops, takes a deep breath and says, "Good morning, ladies."
My girlfriend thought this up today. I found it hilarious and disgusting. What do you call it when a gynecologist goes in the wrong hole? A crap smear.
[1st date] date: ...you said you had abs me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents! ...I'll see myself out.
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up. The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY Doctor: Can you read this ? Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
How many times can your grandmother orgasm per hour? I'll let you guess first before I tell you...
"Hey girl, you ever dated a monk before?" "no? well how would you like to get into the habit?"
I'll be remembering Pearl Harbor by getting bombed this evening.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man one bicycle? A tire.
What do you call a trailer park in a tornado? Wind chimes.
Me: What are my choices again? Pollster: Donald Trump... Me: Or? Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby. Me: ... Pollster: Well? Me: I'm thinking.
Need help While scratching my ear with key few hours ago, audio on my brand new TV went off. Does anyone know good TV Service. Sh... I think my Laptop sound died too.
Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood. Real estate agent: This is a cemetery. Me: I'll take it.
Terrifying to think that one puff of marijuana can transform your life into a carnival of lies & ultimately, murder.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[remodel] Me: can you please keep that awful noise down? Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don't control who's running for president.
A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?" He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."
How many Jews can fit in a shower? Don't ask me, ask Hitler
"Mommy, why do I have black skin and you have white skin?" "Honey, when I think back to that night, you're lucky you don't bark."
Take me down to the gentrified city where the grass is green and the girls can't even
A Jew goes up a ladder. As he reaches the top a pound coin falls from his pocket. He climbed down to retrieve it and the coin hit him on the head.
What are the 3 rings involved in marriage? 1) The engagement ring 2) The wedding ring 3) The suffering
Pimples on teenagers are asterisks on things they say* *Listener discretion is advised
Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't. He died.
Asian Jokes are just wong
My wife got mad at me for my long-term addiction to watching Bruce Willis movies. I told her old habits die hard
I always thought I was stupid... Then I read the commentary.
What's the difference between France and Texas. About ten people.
If you think your job tires you... ...try working for Goodyear
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Which one was bigger? The baby. It was a little Bigger.
What do you call a sad elk? Lachry-moose
[courtroom] Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID Shark: I'm telling you idk *whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.
What would Fred Flintstone say if you asked him which city had the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world? Abu Dhabi Dooooooo!
Why are 8 year old African children always so depressed? Mid-life crisis
Which country's capital apologises for its religion? Islamabad.
Today in 1775, Jane Austen was born. She wrote "Sense & Sensibility," "Pride & Prejudice," and "Lust & Lunchables."
China is now entering sperm as contestants in Olympic swimming events, claiming they are of age.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken. (Not sure if it's a repost, but I don't think I've seen it posted here.)
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, you'll be a mile away and he'll be barefoot.
Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? They're always switching their tails!
Jamie asked Tyrion [GOT SPOILERS] Why did you kill our dad? &amp;nbsp; Tyrion:  \_()_/ , everything happens for a treason.
What to you call a Russian flea ? A Moscow-ito !
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a lousy summer.
What do you call a Russian with three testicles? Whodyounickabollockoff
How does Pocahontas celebrate her Cake Day? With a Pao Wow.
The great thing about Reddit and internet forums is that they're ageless. As long as teenagers act mature and adults act immature. And if you don't agree you're stupid.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they'd be powerful alloys.
Men vs Women Women want a lot of things from one Man. Conversely, Men want one thing from a lot of Women.
What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don't know and I don't care.
I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"
Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes? Me: I'm flattered you think I'm a model but I'll just look at the regular homes
What's the name of that movie about the war horse? War Biscuit
I've GOT to get a life stenographer. It'd be great to say, "Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand."
Why do men scratch their balls? Because they are test-itch-els!
An Irish man walks on the street and ignores a bar... Muahahaha, like that's possible!
*loses faith in humanity* "this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships"
What do you call a Quadriplegic in the ocean? Bob. *I'm so sorry*
My football playing cousin went to prison He went in as a tight end, and came out as a wide receiver.
What do you call a Skyrim fan that is good at CSGO? Nova'kiin
[God creating cheesecake] GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good ANGEL: shouldn't u share it? GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Why do chicken coups have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
"ENTER PASSWORD" *types 'snowflake'* "RE-ENTER PASSWORD" *types 'snowflake'* "ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL".
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Two prostitutes are discussing the hazards of their job One says, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I've been slung around by the tits."
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you're a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.
Adam and Eve Did you know Eve was the first carpenter? She made Adam's banana stand.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.
Me blacking out when I'm drunk is God's way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The secret cocaine ring in my school still hasnt been busted by the police It's slipping right under everyone's noses!
If there was a black character in the game of Clue... The game would be called "Solved."
OWNER: The museum's ready? ME: All the artichokes are in place OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts [I slam the door shut] ME: U cannot go in there
George Michael is recording a song with all the proceeds going to end sectarian violence in the Middle East. It's call "I Want Your Sects".
I was just scammed out of 25 dollars. I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!
Don't trust an atom... They make up everything.
I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook It's about thyme
What has 9 arms and 10 legs? A Def Leppard.
I love vending machines because I can see exactly where my food is coming from.
My Favorite Joke (Sorry Cat Lovers) How do you make a cat go Woof? Soak it in gasoline and throw it in a fire place!
my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
My card got declined buying toilet paper shit.
How many billionaires does it take to create a superhero? Three: two to die and one to never get over it.
What do you call a frog that's in the mood? A HORNY TOAD!
Did you hear about the guy who bought a ring for his under age fiance? Apparently he went to Jared's.
I masturbate with soap... Just thought I'd come clean.
Do you know the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss, but you get herpes from kissing a snatch.
Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it's not real life.
{Date} ME: I have to warn you, I'm the jealous type WAITER: What would you folks like? HER: I'll have the s- ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night.
Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population #1. USA: 318.9 million #2. China: 1.357 billion #3. Japan: 173.3 million #4. Australia: 48 as of last census
Do you know how I feel about muscle relaxers? I valium.
What kind of music do rabbits listen to? HIP HOP
Why don't black people lay in the sun? ...because it's 92.96 million miles away.
Why do we need iron in our diets? Because it's good ferrous.
What is the plural of manatee? Menatee
Why did the cattle leave the marijuana field? Because the steaks were too high!
How many Jews can you fit in a car? Two in the front, three in the back, and as many as you can fit in the ash tray.
Plot twist: "Luke, I am your Mother." - Yoda
My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records The library lady then told me it was indecent to place my dick in between a book.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
What does the average drummer get on an IQ test? Drool.
My wife is an angel. All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.
Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.
How are black people like Christmas lights? Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't that bright
How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk? Udderly useless.
A liar, a murderer, a cheater walk in to a bar... The Patriots must be in town.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all of her musical instruments.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this...1984?
My blood type is coffee.
Just ate my toothbrush to clean those hard-to-reach places.
I bet Abe Lincoln only paid with $5 bills then as the cashier's face lit up, he'd smugly grin "yep."
A friend of mine has a trophy wife... apparently it wasn't first place.
Cats are great for testing because they have 9 lives.
What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Challenge Only a Genius can say these four words, Four times Really fast without getting Tongue twisted. Eye , Yum , Stew , Peed
Why did the Austrian woman go to see a psychologist. Because she wanted a penis.
I hate sitting comfortably on the couch and then discovering my phone is more than an arm's length away. Also more than a leg's length away.
If an illegal immigrant and a child molester have a fight.. is it Alien vs Predator?
What is the difference between an oil painting and Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang an oil painting.
I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
What do you call an undulating pig? Swinusoidal.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times... Then I pick up the block, and put it back in the toy box.
Why are people so worried about Hurricane Matthew's wind speeds? I thought CAT4 was capped at 16Mbps.
Anytime I see a person wrapped in a Snuggie, I think, that's a person I could easily set on fire.
What is the definition of a Barbarian? It's someone who cuts hair in a library.
What makes men cheat on women? Women!
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? [x-post from r/gratefuldead ] Because he was too far out man!
Bicycling must be a really popular hobby in Detroit I saw this black kid, and he had 7 bikes.
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken
Did y'all hear the one about the professional jump-roper? Never mind. *Skip it*.
if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world
[maid of honor speech] Never thought this day would come! Remember when you came home early & he was wearing your bra & panties [mom faints]
Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Southern Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
Hear about the porno in a hot air baloon? It was fucked up.
TIL the word "Muppet" is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet". It's like how the word "mobster" is a combination of "man" and "lobster".
Why did the guy gay go to prison? For HOMO-cide.
Every 5 out of 6 people say Russian Roulette is fun... I wonder why the sixth guy hates it
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
What do you call a cow that has a record player, tight pants, and thick brimmed glasses? A hip-steer.
Why doesn't Barbie have kids? Cause Ken cums in another box...
Now I know it's the 100 Aniversary of the Titanic and all... But aren't the Italians going a little far with their tribute
I think Yahoo! news is written by someone who's had significant head trauma.
People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government
I like my coffe like I like my slaves Free.
How to leave someone on the edge of their seat:
If morning had a face I would totally be punching that shit right about now.
I was gonna open a clothing store for midgets... ... but the market was too small.
Why do men die before their wives? Because we want to!
Why is yogurt always in debt? Because it's Greek.
the most awkward time in my life Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.
What's Lisbeth's twin sister's name who enjoys spending time on the internet?... ...Elizabeth.
While I'm shopping at Costco my kids wait by the exit and try to get adopted by a wealthy family.
What does Monsieur Homer say after spilling water on himself? D'EAU!
Define Marriage: It's a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.
What do you get when you mix yoga and scouting? Concentration camps.
What did Donald Trump say to the thieving immigrant at the RNC? Great speech sweetheart!
What Happened when the girl sat on Lance Armstrong's lap? She had a ball
Why would anyone still use traditional sms text messages when you can just use WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger etc. for free? It's not about the money. It's about sending a message!
What did the answering machine say to the  telephone? Take my word for it.
Author: So, I've got this children's book. It's about a hungry caterpillar. Agent: Pass Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar. Agent: Go on...
God was truly looking out for me today  I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay's potato chips inside.
What do you call a pall bearer in Oklahoma? A karaoke!
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man... so that I can get a better girlfriend.
What's blue and fucks grannies? Me in my lucky blue suit.
Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
I try not to associate myself with bowlers They're all a bunch of pinheads
Fun with wife A man has fun with his wife.......
Wanna hear my Jump Rope joke? Never mind, I'll just skip it.
Girl, if I could rearrange the alphabet I probably wouldnt: I'm not that smart and people are already mad at me from other stuff I did
A drunk driver gets pulled over by a cop The cop asks him "how high are you?" The drunk driver then says "isn't it supposed to be hi, how are you?"
Dear little baby Jesus, If I got what I deserved, it'd be bad. But my daddy deserves the best. Please send him a handsome son-in-law. Amen
How do you make an ant huge Add "eleph"
Why can't bikes stand up on their own? They are two tired.
Did you hear about the Easter Egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers. His name was Frank
The world can be separated into two types of people. Those who listen to all genres of music except country... ...and fucking rednecks
I still get my 'drive-throughs' & 'drive-bys' mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts. As you were.
What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants? A ChloroPhile
What's it called when you backtalk someone so hard they die? A sassination.
The AutoZone guy said my battery was out of juice but he didn't say which kind so I'm going with kiwi strawberry.
I didn't sleep at all last night I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went... and then it dawned on me.
My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman.
I'm getting worried about the amount of violence in modern society. I went to a pet shop and asked the man behind the counter "Do you have fat balls? He punched me on the nose.
My cow won't give any milk... She is an udder failure.
Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.
The first Olympic sailing results are in England has taken gold, France has taken silver and Somalia has taken the boat.
When do you ground an astronaut? When they're astronauty.
Why do single people take dating advice from other single people? That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.
Why did the lesbian cross the street? She was emo.
George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.
The woman next to me on this roller-coaster won't stop screaming and shouting. It's like she's never seen a penis before.
It's normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
I made a joke at the US-Mexico border jajajajajajahahahaha
I'm gonna start using my cat's ages like y'all do your kids. 5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.
Clubbing I never have a good time going out to clubs. I can't seem to hit on any girls. All my friends pay to get in and hopefully leave with a one night stand. I pay to stand for one night.
How did Mace die? He was thrown out the Windu.
is Quentin Tarantino directing 2016?
What saddens me is that I'll never be able to murder anyone who uses "Not with that attitude" as a counterargument to negativity.
A zombie visits the Dry Cleaners. He shuffles up to the assistant behind the counter, holds up his dirty underwear and says... "STAAAAINNNS! STAAAAINNNNS!"
Horror Stories by R. U. Scared
I did a theatrical performance about puns.. Really it was just a play on words.
I hate when people say, "You barely touched your food" like what do you want me to do stroke it?
What's brown and sticky? The contents of my pants.
Why did the leper chase the leopard? Because she wanted the D. (I dreamed this joke last night. Not bad for a dream joke.)
How do you like your juice? I like mine gassy and concentrated.
What's the similarity between a bad postman and an eviction notice There's nothing worse than the day they come in the mail
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there's no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I can't believe they're still using that guy as a Subway spokesperson! Robert Griffen III is terrible!
I knew I could convince my wife to get an Abortion... All she needed was a shove in the right direction... and a set of stairs.
If Clinton wins presidency, who will be First Lady? Monica Lewinsky
Women, If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that'd be greeeat. Sincerely, Men
OOO! XOX. XXX!! - Reviews for "TicTacToe, The Movie"
false fact did you know if you stacked all the 5  bills on each other the stack would quickly become unstable and tumble over...
Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?
Whenever I see an elderly person who looks lost and confused, I stop and take a moment to feed 'em a peanut.
Q: How do you describe a blonde surrounded by  drooling idiots? A: Flattered.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I play too many video games. Seems like something pretty stupid to Fallout for.
Why don't blondes like M&amp;Ms? They're so damned hard to peel.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell* Karen, they have a message for u WILL YOU M- "Omg Yes!" OVE OUT? Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Statistics say there's a gay guy in every group of friends. I think it's Tim.. he's got a great ass.
What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli
So Nickelback walks into a bar... [xpost from r/funny] There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny.
Anyone seen "Captain Phillips"? If not, I have a pirated copy you can borrow.
My girlfriend was very proud of this one. What does cats and festival attendees have in common? They both love using the toilet right after it's been cleaned.
[shootout] Cop: I said fire a warning shot Me: I already did. Cop: you shot him in the face Me: warning the others that I'm a very good shot
What is the only way to stop Donald Trump? A Cruz missile.
Womens are crazy And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don't have to die alone?
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I'd look out the window for that.
Once upon a time there was a yellow frog and a pink elephant...
Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
too Hairy I went to town to see MS. Lucy, I'll give her two cents to see her pussy. The hair was so black I couldn't see her crack, so I asked for my two cents back
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Oh is it really raining outside? Please post a status update for all of us with no windows.
What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I'm not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I hate it when people stare at me and don't say anything I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask.
I recently started playing the triangle for a reggae band... ...I just stand at the back and ting...
I bought some Spot remover at the market yesterday. . . . . . and now I can't find my dog
The best pick up advice I've ever been told is.. ..always bend your knees.
Why is grandpa fine with performing tricks, but gets mad if you ask grandma? It took him forever to get her off that street corner.
What do you call Squidward's Protest Group in Mexico? Counter-Esp*i*on*a*ge
What do you call an alien starship that drips  water? A crying saucer !
They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
What did the boy with no hands get for a Christmas present? Gloves.... Just kidding he hasn't got into it yet.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff [Ba dum tssshhh](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI)
When not in stores Republicans shop from a  catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because the farmer had cold hands
What's in an STD salad? green pees
I was asked earlier today to submit a 1,000 word essay. I thought, "fcuk that". So I just submitted a picture instead.
LAZY EYE never date a girl with lazy eye. theyre always seeing someone on the side
YO momma so fat that they had to install  speed bumps at all you can eat buffet
Orion's Belt? A Waist of Space.
If I were a male porn star My name would be Jesus and right before each money shot I would say, "Get on your knees and close your eyes. Jesus is coming soon."
What happened to the loser of the Frisbee Championship Finals? He threw it.
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino? elifino
Two silkworms have a race..... .....it ended in a tie!
Six year old just gave me these gems What do you call a dog with a stain on his fur? Spot. What do you call a dog who lays on a golf course? Ruff. What do you call a dog who just got run over? Rhody.
Teacher to lil Donal Trump Teacher: what you want to be when you grow up? lil Donald: I want to be Donald Trump because I'm rich, very...rich.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
What do you call a Gay Dictator? A bendy ruler.
Clock Joke Very Funny Why do people never eat clocks? Because it's really time consuming.
Why'd the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila
Why did Nintendo cross the road? idk, Nintendo always does random shit and never explains it
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET] long day? "ugh I can't wait to go home" know who else wanted to go home
My wife is so educated She has a PhD in yelling sciences.
Dayum girl, did you fall down from heaven? Cuzz ur face is fcked up.
What did Drake say to 2Chainz as he was leaving da club? Challah at ya boy!
How do you know when you are in bed with a witch ? She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas !
I'd rather keep thinking there are punctuation errors in everything I read than clean my monitor.
What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Black lives matter.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Windows Phone
I am the best at avoiding competition.
I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day. It was soda pressing.
My name is Forrest! I constantly hear Forrest Gump jokes, ever since I can remember they've been the same ones, and I want to hear something original! Work your magic reddit!
GOT knock knock Knock knock? Who's there? No one. No one, who? Jk it's Arya Stark. I'm out, Jaqen H'ghar.
I'm worried about my girlfriend recently... I'm always worried if shes eating well, sleeping well, or if she exists at all.
What did the salad say before being eaten Lettuce go.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Why did the Sheikh cross the road? To get to the other wife.
Why did the referee blow his whistle at the leper hockey game? There was a face off at centre ice.
What did one vampire say to the other vampire? Is that you coffin?
My "Metapod" has been having some problems When I used Harden . . . It failed. So I tried to find something to help it. After asking my doctor, he said the best option would be to use a PP Up.
How do you confuse a feminist? Tell her not to make you a sandwich.
[doctors exam] "I'm feeling a lump here. Here's another. You have several lumps." -uh oh, what does that mean doc? "it means you're fat"
what would Barack Obama be if he was a vegetable? Baroccoli
Did you hear the one about the statistician who drowned while wading across a river whose average depth was three feet?
Bones - joke Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
A Roman walk into a bar A Roman walks into the bar, hold up 2 fingers and say '5 beer please'
What do you call a woman with an opinion? Wrong.
You know that brain-dead zone you go to in the middle of a cardio workout? Is that where dogs always are?
Today I tried to remove a bandage I couldn't pull it off
I saw your link on Facebook. What happened next will blow your mind.......I didn't open it.
Ukraine are currently third in the Paralympics table, reaping the rewards of their investment programme... ...Or as we know it, 'Chernobyl 1986'
A guy walks into a bar and orders an Ovechkin... (Hockey joke) The bartender looks confused and asks "What the hell is an Ovechkin?" The guy says "It's a White Russian with no ice and no cup!"
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
What song do burgers sing on the  job? Gristle While You Work!
[Offensive] I like my wine the way I like my Women... Nine years old and in the cellar.
What's the difference between Beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are over a dollar; deer nuts are under a buck.
I wish i was ugly for just one single day.. Because being ugly everyday just sucks!
I was telling my friend in London a joke... ...but I wasn't sure it would translate well into English.
in the rental car today and my son said it was like we were in a "rocket ship" how many rocket ships have you been in. That's what I thought
They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I love my d*ck! I don't want it to be sliced off by the women I cheated on...
The best time to propose at a restaurant is right after you order but before you pull up to the window.
What do a gynecologist and pizza delivery man have in common? They both can smell it, just can't eat it.
What happens when you take the tea away from your guest? He's left there trying to "guess" what happened.
What's the real reason Mr. Clean is always smiling? He likes it dirty.
My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.
What is Irish and sits on your deck? Patty O'Furniture !
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ? Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Joke spy Why did the spy stay in bed? Because he was undercover
Solving the Mystery by Ivor Clew
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? I don't know. It kept breaking my guitar strings so I gave up.
astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours so they decided to call it a day
Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BATMAN!
Karma whoring is bad. Upvote if you agree.
A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables the bartender says, buddy, I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said "Yes, I'm round, ripe & covered in fuzz."
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.
Why couldn't the computer play golf?... ...Because it had the wrong Driver
I'm gonna have an Avengers themed birthday party But don't tell anyone, I'm trying to keep it Loki.
What do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe wan Kenobi.
Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?
[my cell phone rings] ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Arrr Matey!
I'm throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
This coffee tastes like a Kenny G album.
What happened when the gay guy put a nicoderm patch on his wiener? He cut down to two butts a day
How did the dollar bill feel when his change started disappearing? Coincerned
The fight against Hilary and Donald If Hilary wins a door to women's rights will be opened and if Donald Trump won the there won't be anyone to open that door
What do you call a Filipino Contortionist? A Manila folder.
I used to have a steering wheel in my pants But it was driving me nuts
Which country has the nicest children? Germany. German children are kinder.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don't let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
What's the difference between a park bench and a black man? (hopefully not a repost) The city supports the bench. Badum-tsss
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles.
In a knife fight with street entertainers I always go straight for the juggler.
Procrastination is like Masterbation In the end you just fuck yourself
ANY voicemail left by the elderly starts off with 2 minutes of "HELLO? HELLO?" and ends with them trying to dial another number.
I think I'll just leave my turn signal on from age 60 onward.
Life is like a jar of jellybeans Everyone hates the black ones.
What was the stressed out toddler diagnosed with? Diapertension
I have a double major in Psychology and Geography. I lead the field in research on glacial depressions.
Q: What do you call an 800 pound gorilla? A: Anything he wants to be called.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not going to fall for that one again.
Knock Knock Who there? Control freak Contro... Now you say control freak who!
The Cincinnati zoo has honey bees, sweat bees, carpenter bees, bumble bees.... But no Harambe
"It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?" TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
what is a painfully loud color? YELLOW!!
Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you're gonna drug test me or not
How did people charge their phones before electricity? They didn't...!
How do ya get a fag to fuck a woman? Shit in her pussy
Who were the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.
History Welcome to the the 21st century Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
whats that under your shirt, Louie? you wearing The Wire? you wearing a literal DVD taped to your chest for the purposes of a visual gag eh?
Need quick joke idea before I leave work My boss is requiring me to tell one funny quick joke before I leave work. I need your help Reddit!
A man walks into a bar... Ouch....
I have a super hero joke Fantastic four
A girl with braces learned the hard way that she shouldn't laugh during a thunderstorm.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&amp;T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common? Immigrants
FULLY LOADED Q: What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet? A: "We're gonna have a BB!"
Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays. I'll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Maybe if I swallow enough magnets I'll become attractive.
Where do geologists go for entertainment? *Rock concerts.*
[Dirty] You know what they say about farm girls and horses... They both fell in mud.
What did the egg say to a pot of boiling water? "I'm not ready to get hard yet, I just got laid!"
11 years ago, Greece won the Euro 2004 Today, they would be happy with 2004 Euro's.
I heard from a terrorist that they are planning a nine-eleven attack times a thousand... That's right it's gonna be 911,000
Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends? Because he was married
What does one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.
Gorilla tape isn't stronger than duct tape anymore because... ... They shot and killed it.
What's an Israeli ghetto called? Palestine.
I don't have shower thoughts. They're against my religion. I'm a Bathtist.
Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.
How do Itallian chefs swap emails? By spaghett-e-mail!
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "BREATHE DAMMIT!!"
Are your parents Laptop memory? Cause you are SO DIMM.
Why did the USSR have such a bad air force? They kept Stalin.
I'm really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
There's a good chance Dr. Phil has jerked off to the Domino's Pizza Tracker.
Had a terrifying lucid dream of getting stabbed and slashed from behind with a huntersknife & people making fun of me for being uneasy after
Avoid the horror of watching your children's nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
If I were a piano... ...I'd make sure my life ends on a high note.
Where are otters from? Otter space!
Why does waldo wear stripes? So he isn't spotted.
Dayum girl are you a dell notebook? Because you set my dick on fire when you stay on my lap.
IDK Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don't know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
What do you call a bell which doesn't do it's work? A rebell
Where do red head pirates come from? IIIIIiiireland Edit: Posted while drunk, fixed spelling.
Lots of people use their kid's name as their password I love my son mHh$5rY%9a@#JJ5
Oklahoma State's student union got shut down today because of a gun threat It turns out it was just a calculator. Don't people know that a calculator is for math deduction not mass destruction?
Hanukah hip-hop act of the decade? Dr. Dreidel with Justin Timberlatke. (There's gotta be more we can do with this.)
I can actually decide what is inspirational on my own. But thanks for the warning
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come to work :(
For Sale Russian dolls - buy one get six free.
what do you call a lazy kangaroo? a pouch potato
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
10 ways to stop Procrastinating 1.
What's the difference between a cat and a politician? A cat will lie *on* your face. A politician will lie *to* your face.
I just ate a pizza covered in pepperoni and chillies. To be honest, I looked pretty ridiculous.
Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, "doesn't your family miss you?"
Did you hear about the lesbian couple who couldn't afford a double-headed dildo? They were having trouble making ends meet
Friends and family sometimes said I was a kid stuck in a man's body. The police say I'm a man caught in a kids body.
Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says "have you got any nut allergies" aye pal I'm planning suicide by donut
Lyrics in modern hip hop are so bad..
Why do so many Jews enjoy smoking? The ashes reminds them of their parents.
Fitness guru just tweeted "remember to breathe" and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from jail last night? Yeah, there's a small medium at large!
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
My pics are real. I don't use any filters. I don't even use coffee filters. I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
When I was a kid, my family was very poor... I remember my dad was cutting Onion and our whole family was crying. Poor Onion. He was such a good dog...
You know the difference between Sadistic and Masochistic? No one has ever called me a masochistic son of a bitch.
Chuck Norris There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris. It was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Good cop: *sits* Bad cop: *pees on the floor* Wait, I'm thinking of dogs
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid.
Reality show idea: "So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson's Nose." Hidden camera. Tyson isn't in on it.
How do you catch a politician? With a special interest group, or evidence of a sex scandal.
The price of Trumps' wall became much cheaper after the election... ...50 million people shit a brick!
What do you call a paralyzed clown with his tongue cut out? BEST MIME EVER!
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
You can justify pretty much any shit you put into your body these days simply by saying, "But it's got antioxidants."
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense... Then a wigwam and a tepee walked into the bar and I left quickly. Things had gotten too tense.
Looking for an Australian joke! I saw it yesterday. I only remember the last line was "bummer man".
I'm considering going vegan because the steaks are too high
Did you hear that Sir Mix-A-Lot's pet snake left his girlfriend because she went low-carb? His anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
[murder scene] detective: "she drown?" cop: "after a blow to the head" d: "what's he doing?" me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying... The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
What do you call people who use the pull out method? Parents
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Look I'm not racist at all... My best friend was black until my dad sold him.
How many Greg leganis does it take to fill a swimming pool I don't know but it only takes one to empty it.
I started a band called 999 megabytes We still haven't gotten a gig.
How do you find an old man in the dark? It isn't hard.
What's worse than a pile of dead babies? A live one that you have to care for and nurture for 18 years.
I lost 15 pounds so far, another 15 to go, but... I do not want to get circumsized
My I.Q. goes from 125 to about 14 when there's a hot girl around.
Mommy! I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cus it was fake. "Oh, how did you know it was fake?" "It had two zeroes instead of one."
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn't have happened if it had been a Snickers.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was ostracised when he was young. After taking steroids, however, he was Austria sized.
My roommate is painting and makes a mistake... Him: "gah why can't I Ctrl-z!?" My inner dad: "because z is a rouge letter"
How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice? They use extractor fangs.
What's the difference between a fat girl and model? The black guy doesn't give a shit
Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they're going to say something wrong.
Costco is a great place to go if you want to shop for 15 minutes and then stand in line and judge people for an hour.
No Linda, I CAN'T believe how early it's getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn't.
Garry Glitter gave me my first guitar lesson the other day He showed me how to finger A minor
Wondering why Google has a black ribbon today... I think I forgot something.
My leg goes to sleep as soon as the dog starts humping it. I'm afraid they're married.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring...
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting all the illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
What's the difference between Davey Crockett and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
Real geniuses never talk about that they are a genius. I know from myself.
One liner I can really see myself working in a mirror factory
When I was single my old Aunt used to come up to me at family weddings And poke me in the ribs and say, "you're next." she stopped after I did the same to her at a funeral.
Drayman green pushing to go to game five... if you push back he'll hit you in the nuts.
Is your refrigerator running?
A Jehovah's Witness followed me. I think I'll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes...
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
What is the scientific name for a crippled tyrannosaurus rex ? Tywalkasoreus Rex
What do a telephone and a dog have in common? They both have collar ID.
What's a dead baby's favorite holiday beverage? Infanticider.
What did the A/C unit say when it suddenly turned on? "Sorry, I just needed to vent"
I like my coffee how I like my tea Like my coffee
HO_SE BOAT I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark? A period, since it ends his sentence.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEP3Jut-crE
Why did the lion always lose at poker? He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs!
My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary.
You know what else has a 2-0 score between the USA and Germany? The world wars
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I want to make a movie where RoboCop gets laid off due to budget cuts and has to work at a Waffle House.
What did the exponential equation say to the linear equation? Real graphs have curves.
Saw a really attractive woman the other day... She was wearing a miniskirt and a really low-cut shirt and I kept thinking to myself, "Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner." She did....
I'm scared of french pancakes They give me the crepes
There are four things that you can look at into infinity. A flowing water, blazing fire, a woman parking her car, and - in one case - the ceiling of the mausoleum.
A man spends his first 9 months trying to get out of the womb and the rest of his life trying to get back in
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.
What do you call a man that brews beer? A Hebrew.
Wife: You were right. Me: Say it again. Wife: You were right. Me: Again. Wife: You were right. Me: One more time. Wife: You wer- *wakes up*
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME. I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
I always yell "I'm not masturbating!" when someone knocks on my office door so they know I'm not masturbating.
Sorry, but the greatest thing since sliced bread is sandwiches. Period.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I got punched in the face by a hipster today... I yelled "Bro, that's not cool!" He replied, "not yet".
Women who say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history.
If I had a boy I'd name him "Opportunity" & whenever he knocks on the door I'll say "I bet that's opportunity knocking" & laugh with my wife
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot It got so bad , I had to take his bike away
"FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!..." - Honey Boo Boo's teachers her senior year of high school
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, you chauvinist asshole!
Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie? There was no clear winner.
What is the volume of pizza? Pizza of course! If z = radius of the pizza and a = the height then  * radius^2 * height = Pi * z * z * a = Pizza.
A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here." The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."
"I want to get drunk in public." "Me too but on pancake batter." "If only there was a way to solve both problems." -The Origin of Eggnog
no thanks La-Z-Boy. I like my furniture gender neutral
The line "Do you come here often?" Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.
When trying to determine the best place in Charlotte to go for a team building event, go to the White Water Center... It's a no brainer...
Why are jews always washing their hands? They're Germaphobes.
My dyslexic friend is getting married! I'm a groomsman, but a dog is my friend's best man.
I can't stand pedophiles - Fucking immature assholes.
A guy walks into a bar ... and orders a drink.
I've been reading a book on euthanasia... It's so good I can't put it down.
What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina? A fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat.
"This is the best acid ever. I totally should write some children's books now." ~ Dr. Seuss
Why are 1980 pennies worth more than 1979 pennies? (Dads joke) The same reason 10 pennies is worth more than 9.
What a do pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it.
What do you call a sexist masseuse? A massage-ynist.
A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian..." The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
New job. A nigerian man got a job at US, on his first day he shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies, "Why? What happened at 8.30?"
Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? - A: You're the purrfect cat for me!
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. We are efficient and don't have humor.
A pickup line for people named Matt. "Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)
Why did the Dark Ages existed? Because there were 'nights.
Captain America Civil War Joke. What's War Machines favorite dance move? The Crawlington
Why do American's take letters out of words? Because they're lazy, and they hate U.
I clocked this beautiful woman earlier. I'll probably never see her again  it was a pretty big clock.
Next OSX version announced!!! It will be called "El Chapo"
I made a knock-knock joke for ya Me: knock-knock You: Who's there? Me: DEAD NAZI! You:... Dead nazi who? Me: I bet you Dead Nazi that one coming.
Does racism still exist? Let's go to this panel of white people to find out.
My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen.. I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"
My New Year's resolution was to buy a velcro wall So far I'm sticking to it
How do you get everyone to click on your post? [NSFW] Put [NSFW] in the title.
*crawls up from backseat* *slowly pulls off paper bag from head* What? No... I'm not embarrassed by your driving
What do you call a seagull over the bay? A Bagel
What's blue, standing in the kitchen? STFU, I can paint my wife any colour I want!
so a dyslexic man........ walks into a bra
I went to an erectile dysfunction meeting today. Nobody else came.
I carry a magic 8 ball because no one should have to make tough decisions alone.
If everyone was like you the human race would lose faith in the world.
"Oh my god, that's so offensive!"- Someone, about everything.
What are a mathematician's five favourite numbers? 0, 1, e, pi.
Apple vs Windows If apple made a car would it have windows?
How do you find Will Smith in winter? You follow the Fresh Prince
If we paid teachers more, they'd probably stop dating their students. At this point, a 16 year old working at Quiznos doubles their income.
Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!
God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.
Nazis would love heather bresch Because she is killing off the genetically impure
I hate it when you're on the bus and the local weirdo get on and sits next to you. You know, the ones that watch you having a wank.
My therapist told me "time heals all wounds", So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
[Bookstore] Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book* Cashier: How old is your daughter? Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
TIFU by messing up my wife's Subway order. Whoops, wrong sub.
What's big, green and can kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table
16: "What was the internet like in the old days?" Me: *opens door* *pushes 16 outside* *locks door*
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything.
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens ... I think my cough medicine expired
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chad ! Chad who? Chad to make your acquaintance !
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff
Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on  the side? A: So the cops can find the handles.
What is Rick Grimes' favorite thing under the sea? CORALL!
Don't do suicide, kids! You'll kill yourself!
Q: What did the atlantic say to the pacific? A: Nothing. It just waved.
After hearing a lot of Oscar Pistorius jokes I find them disgusting. Frankly I won't stand for them and neither will he.
In Massachusetts you can't buy liquor before noon on Sundays. But bless your raging alcoholic heart for trying.
My dishwasher has racks on racks I'm not talking about the machine
I'm still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant's bathroom... I hope everything is ok.
Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang ? It doesn't come back .............. it just sings about how much it wants to.
If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I'd be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
What do you call a virgin redneck? An orphan
ACTORS: It's easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says "Did you see that?" say "Nope".
it was hard being a teenager with the last name  i mean stalk one guy and you're  for the next three years
I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune Walk in with a big fortune. Happy new year
In biology class my teacher asked "What is most commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" was not the right answer
You're like an opera singer.... Cause it's all about me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-meeee ----Robert Kelly
A group of feminists deciede to have a picnic... But nobody made any sandwhiches
What's an alcoholic's favorite type of beer? All of them
"Hi I'm looking for a birthday card for my mom's sister" *hands you an extremely small card* "WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS" Yes "Perfect"
It's so cute how fish just can't contain their excitement when you cuddle them.
Notice in a hospital waiting room. "Thanks for being Patient.'
if there were a zombie apocalypse i'd save a lot of kids but it would be only because i'd need them later to feed zombies so i can run away
David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.
The longest relationship I've had is with my first vibrator. We were together 7 years. Off and on.
Some people have no respect. It's obvious I'm on my phone trying to do something & this guys all "STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"
Twitter: where strangers will explain your joke back to you.
How is 'crazy' like a freshly baked pie? You have to let it cool off before you put your dick in it.
I just read a Facebook ad that said "Come in a designer, leave a CEO." Not sure why they're offering dating advice, but okay.
If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.
What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus? The police made him bring it back again.
What do you say to get the attention of a gold bar? "AU"
What kinds of jokes do cats play on each other? Purranks.
Teacher: Name two pronouns ? Pupil: Who ? me ?
Sometimes, eating road kill Can be a big moose steak
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. Which is really scary because that means that 75% are running around untreated.
What did Nicki Minaj, Hitler and a Feminist say when they walked into a bar? Ouch.
What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? Swimming trunks!
Raise the roof! The roof is on fire! Hit the club! Bust those moves! Burning the dance floor! - RL partying sounds so violent
Why did the chicken cross the road? Dad, I'm over here.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone's face.
Jews don't recognise Jesus Protestants don't recognise the Pope Baptists don't recognise each other at the liquor store
Thank you student loans for helping me get through college I don't think I can ever repay you.
After Monday and Tuesday Even the calendar says W T F
Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"
Why do people buy fruit already cut up? There's only like 7 things in life easier than cutting up fruit and one of them is farting.
What's tinier than a teeny weenie ant? An ant's teeny weenie.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver".
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision. Me: OK, what do you need me to do? 5-year-old: Go find Mom.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do with most of his time? Stay up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Three Mistakes Of My Life : WTF (Whatsapp Twitter Facebook)
Did you hear about the hydraulic press? It wasn't very impressive.
What do you call a really cheesy thought? A quesaIDEA.
I would tell you a pizza joke... I would tell you a pizza joke but that would be too cheesy. Funny no?
I think OJ Simpson should be on Dancing with the Stars... I have a funny feeling he really knows how to cut a rug.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[car dealership] "it's just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle." fred flintstone: i'll take it!
Why did the seismologist not have to pay for the damage caused by the earthquake? It wasn't his fault.
Hillary Clinton is a strong woman who doesn't need Bill. Besides, the FBI has been fingering her for a while now.
Redneck joke If'n you and your wife get divorced, and still agree to be cousins, you might be a redneck.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It's like, fine, I'll buy an axe.
What did you get for your birthday?  Another year!
Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole. :(
Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors... it will always resolve with tonic.
What 6 inches goes to your mouth? Toothbrush...you dirty bastard
Why did the chicken cross the road To get away from her abusive cock of a husband
If you were on a bus full of queers, Would you stay on or get off? My physics teacher told me that one.
How was your day? -You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass? That bad? -Oh no. It's just a cool scene. My day was decent
Life Tip: Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.
Why reddit is a murderer. Because it killed me battery
Why did Hitler like blind people? Because they can not see.
Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now? Yea, he was doing Magic.
What's a great dating app for pedophiles? Tindergarden
If it walks and talks like Stephen Hawking... It's probably not Stephen Hawking.
you know when a kid calls their stepmom by their first name? we should weaponize that
I care about how girls feel. The firmer the better.
How do you ask for a cigarette in spain? Tapas a snout!
What did Adele say when she crossed the road? *sing* Hello from the other side!
There's a moron in every office. They usually get paid more than you.
What super hero league is Caitlyn Jenner part of? The X-Men
Two satellites got married the wedding was okay, but the reception was incredible!
Masturbation is like procrastination... ...in the end you're just fucking yourself
I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building. It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.
Trees are really rude They're always throwing shade!
When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
What has 9 arms and sucks? Fed Leapord.
Whats black and white and red all over? A nun in a car accident.
What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom &amp; Dad
Just invented a landmine that looks like a prayer mat... Prophets are through the roof!!!
Have you heard about... Alex Trebex? His job is in jeopardy.
What's invisible and smells like bananas? Monkey farts.
Q: What's red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
What idiot named it prozac instead of sadvil
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride? Him: No Me: So you're a liar? Him: Me: Him: Nice yoga pants Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
You know what they say about cliffhangers...
Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"
Parents, what's the right age to explain to a Fox News anchor that Santa isn't real?
For my new tattoo, I'm totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
What do mathematicians read for fun? conics
Why use words you don't understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Why are defense lawyers the best lovers? Because they're great at getting you off.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
What did the lazy monk say? Namaste..right here
My wife... My wife just got kidnapped by a group of muslim cannibals. I'm not worried though, I heard muslims don't eat pigs.
The wife said that a dwarf felt her tit the other day.
How do you know if an Asian person has robbed your house? When you come home, your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and they're still trying to back out of the driveway.
Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
It's hotter than A Nazi oven in the summer.
i think it's ironic that #youdonthavealife is trending on a social networking site.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job Me: *already asleep on a folding chair* Interviewer: hang on u don't start til monday
Why cant you play cards on a rowboat? Because you're sitting on the deck...
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Words can't describe how beautiful you are. But, numbers can. 4/10
Somebody has stolen my Microsoft office But I will find them. You have my Word.
I'm a Tumblr user and computer scientist, i'm boycotting binary computing.
Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums.
What state is the highest on every top 50 list? Colorado.
Who would win a football game between the 1989 Raiders and a team full of U2 lead singers? Bonos.
People who don't know how to merge onto the highway, there's a bus pass for that.
What's the difference between a racist and a liberal? Gullibility
Greek cheese turns me on. It is a feta-ish.
A woman walks into a brothel trying to find work... "Do you have any openings here?" she asks the manager. The manager replies, "Sorry, we have too many right now."
What do the wage gap and the story of Hercules have in common? They're both myths. EDIT: spelling
Did you hear about the guy who invented the Hokey Pokey? He just passed away and they had troubles putting him in the coffin. When they put his left leg in his right leg came out.
Everyone on a flight is technically a flight attendant
One time I walked in to a pole..... ...... and, uh, I don't remember.
Watching the olympic 100m is like witnessing a crime You hear a gunshot and a second after you see 8 black guys running away.
The cool thing about shaving all my pubes off is that I get to see exactly what my penis looked like when I was first born.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Roses are red Violets are blue There is one less gorilla In the cincinatti zoo
LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard. Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.
A genie granted me a wish, i said i wish to turn me into something who always suck the blood of the beautiful women, then poooof, i became a tampon..
Girlfriend bugging you to get married? Propose to her in the most inappropriate place. "I'll have the McChicken. AND YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE!"
Today is David Finchers birthday... WHATS IN THE BOX!?????
What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.
What does a goat have when it gives birth? A kid.
Wanna hear a joke? My bank account... :(
Why did the Native American curse the snow? Because it was white and on his land!
Why did the farmer call his horse Baseball? Because it's covered with horsehide!
What is the capital of Greece? They have no capital.
Why are Asians no good a football ( soccer) ? Because whenever they get a corner they open a shop !
Yo Mama so poor... ...that when she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken she licks other people's fingers.
What animal has bad memory and climbs mountains? A Forgoat.
I wonder if they'll ever release Call of Duty Go in the UK They've been playing it in America for years
There was a shooting at the Apple store last night. There were no iWitnesses.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A Minor.
I don't know how I'm going to get out of bed tomorrow now that I live in a world without Cecil the Lion.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. "I found these. Weird?"
This thorn bush just stabbed my wife in her vagina. What a fucking prick.
Most of my alone time is just a cataloging of hatreds and revenge scenarios.
Jesus walks into a bar... orders a glass of tap water.
Give a man a compliment & he'll be all, "Yeah, I've been working out." Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he'll be all, "I feel SO fat."
I searched up blind in the dictionary But I couldn't see what it said
Noah: An ark? Full of animals?? God: ... Noah: You even listening?? God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
What is a Canadian's favorite board game? Sorry!
Just found a yogurt recipe online and the first ingredient was yogurt. That's not a recipe
What's does the self reliant alcoholic Rabbi Pedophile do in his spare time? Very little, he brews.
Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs! [two days later] Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile I told her "Well now, that's a pretty big word for an eight year old."
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your  door? A: The knocking always speeds up.
It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
What's the difference between Barbara Walters and Oprah? Oprahs Black
Why do porn stars always talk the same way as they would to a pet? Insert punch line below if needed
What is the difference between a hooker and an onion? I don't cry when I chop the hooker up.
Honey I Shrunk The Kids And Then I Shrunk The Lawnmower And They Are Riding It Around My Head And Giving Me A Haircut It Is Awesome
So much mascara her eyes got stuck in the closed position. Too bad lipstick doesn't work that way.
My parents were nihilists, but I knew they loved me... ...Because when they died, they left me nothing.
you become your "real you" when you are hunched over eating a burrito on the toilet and you look up and see yourself in the mirror
Did u know that a condom had a serial number? No I never had to unroll one that far.
2016 is on such a high kill streak I'm worried for when it's going to unlock nukes
I'm no gynecologist, but I'll take a look.
What's the name for a person that only gives massages to men? A massagonist.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Why was the whittler banned from his synagogue? Because he made his rabbi a little cross.
I like my meat the way I like my grades... ...Well Done.
What does a brick and a fat girl have in common? Both will eventually be laid by a Mexican.
What did one egg cell say to the other? I'm not ovary fond of you
What is a pirate's favorite letter? Ya think it be R, but it's da C!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.
My sexual fetishes my sexual fetishes have been getting more and more perverse ever so slowly. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.
You're legally allowed to stab anyone whose favorite album is a band's Greatest Hits.
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend? Homeless.
What is a duck's favorite drug? Quack.
I know a chess grandmaster, but I've only ever played checkers with him Because I know he'll only lose to a check mate
What was the old man in despair about? Nothing.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Christmas, the side chick is you!
I just typed "married" and it came out "martyred". Damn smart phone is becoming self aware.
Why did the Chinese almost lose in Mulan? They had way to many chinks in their armor.
what would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if he was a member of Al Qaeda? GET TO THE VIRGINS
My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bud ! Bud who ? Budweiser the King of Beers !
What do you call a fish that is good for your bones? An orthopedic sturgeon. :D ?
What did one TCP packet say to the other TCP packet? 0x809ACC0E!
"your mom" jokes can be fun but they can be over-used too . . . . just like your mom
I feel like if Joe Biden and Kanye West were involved in a Freaky Friday scenario no one would notice for months.
I was going to post a Michael Brown joke.. ..but I'm afraid it would just get shot down.
What's the longest game in the world? Two women playing pool.
The early bird might get the worm... But the second mouse gets the cheese.
The bonus of simple origami is twofold.
I know what a bird can do that you can't. Whistle through its pecker.
Joke challenge What's the best mad scientist joke?
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Fast Food Barbie ...also known as McBarbie...you want fries with that?
How many Women Priest are there? Nun.
Call a woman beautiful a hundred times... Call a woman beautiful hundred times, and she won't remember. But call her fat just *one* time, and she'll never forget. Because elephants never forget.
The cure for premature ejaculation is coming soon.
Why did the pentagon change it's name to the square? Because they were cutting corners.
What do women share in common with a condoms? They spend more time in your wallet than on your cock.
What's today's date? 10-4 Good Buddy!
My family's invaded my house for the weekend. As a side note my dog's been walked 18 times
Dating your Ex again is like buying your clothes back from Goodwill. There's a reason you got rid of it in the first place.
I tried to kill a spider with glitter spray... Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it cinnamon.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh What do you call a crocodile with no eyes? A crocodle. What do you call an Indian with no eyes? A blind man you fucking idiot.
At this point my body would probably mistake a vegetable for a virus and try to attack it.
I always wear an athletic cup. It's over-protection in a nut shell.
Thanks for being the shoulder to put my head on.. Though being a conjoined twin does have its cons.
"Do what you love & the money will follow." Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear. And now, I wait...
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
My wife said she was watching he weight I told her to get some glasses. Edit: I need some too
Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife's Facebook account?
What language do eagles program in? [C#](https://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3tp03o/in_canada_we_have_some_nice_falcons/cx8608n)
Why wasn't the Achilles invited into the body? Because it was already attendin'.
Sex is like putting money in the bank.... When you take it out, the interest is all gone.
Insanity? Psychiatric patient attends his appointment with no clothes on, the guy is wrapped in clear plastic. As he enters the psychiatrists office the psychiatrist comments,, " I can see your nuts"
What do you call it when batman leaves church early? Christian Bale
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It's making head lines....
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe..... Fur Traders
What did the racist Pillsbury Doughboy say? White Flower
What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the couch he was sleeping/staying on? Namaste (nah-ima-stay)
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat's paw] Ignore himhe'll never understand love.
Why is an egg like a young horse? Because it can't be used until it's broken!
What's 10 foot long and stinks of piss? Old folk doing the conga.
When someone posts "Hmmm. That was interesting..." as their status on FB, I never ask what they're talking about because it never is.
I got head from a blind woman She didn't see it coming!
Donald Trump walks into a mexican resturant jk. he doesn't...
Where do college students go for medical attention? An I.V. League.
A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified. "No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
The captain of a ship got into a fight with a one eyed monster... Once the fight ended and he had prevailed he said to himself "I lost a lot of good seamen today..."
I guess even though he's resigning, the pope is still against birth control- That's why he pulled out.
I love the metric system. It's the best by an absolute 1.6km
I told my wife I was making venison for dinner.. She said "oh, deer"
Genie: I shall grant you three wis- Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me Genie: here's the thing Jeff, Kate's with me now...
Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists. [interviewer thinking] holy smokes he's good
What did the unicyclist say to the bicyclist? I'm bi curious.
What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner? "If you need me, I'll be in the lab."
What do you call two couches that are in love with each other? Homosectionals.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.
Q: Why do owners of muffler shops sleep so good at night? A: They're exhausted.
My level of sarcasm's gotten to a point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.
MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see? ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
What do you call an online relationship? E-bae... I'll see myself out
What do you call a mexican cyclops? Juan Eye.
When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, "Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom".
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I told my dad "Look, I got a B in reading!" He said "That's a D you idiot." -Rocky Laporte http://www.cc.com/video-clips/m25nl8/comedy-central-presents-birthday
"White Purr!" - Ku Klux Kat
What's the difference between a dead baby and my ex-girlfriend? There isn't one...
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, its a hardware problem
What do batman and 16 atoms of sodium have in common? Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Nickelback walks into a bar...there's no punch line because ruining music isn't funny.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I just saw a ghost with Tourrets. Fuckboo to you too.
What do you call a girl with braces? A Black &amp; Decker Pecker Wrecker^&amp;#8482;
I have a step ladder I never met my real ladder.
Never borrow money from a zombie: they almost always want to be paid back in brains
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
TOA! The Transvestites of America want to wish everyone a happy holiday season, remember to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Roses Are Red, I call it bold and brash Even though I think its art It belongs in the trash
I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is in the future.
Two condoms..... Two condoms pass a gay bar. One says to the other, "Let's go in and get shit-faced."
Two snakes meet in the jungle... Two snakes meet in the jungle. One asks the other: "Are we poisonous?? " The other says: "Why do you ask?" The first replys: "I just bit my tongue..."
An elephant, a 500lb gorilla, and a naked emperor walk into a room Nobody says a thing.
May I have a quick word with you? Velocity
Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.
What does the murderer say after he kills someone with a nail gun? Nailed it.
I can't believe I'm in class on Presidents' Day. This is an obamanation.
did you hear about the guy with five penises? his pants fit like a glove.
*tries for a year to brush and floss better* *goes to dentist* Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?
What's a feminist's least favourite bread? Gender rolls
My wife treats me like a God Every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Noah in a pet shop "Two of every animal please" "Want any unusual examples?" "No, just arky-types"
the year is 2086 and pizzas are delivering young men to your house
YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE I DO WAN'T TO MEET HOT SINGLES IN MY AREA
My Girlfriend My girlfriend is an epidimiologist and I'm a stand-up comedian so that means I have a lot of chores I have to go do. Later.
Where's the best place to apologise to someone? Surrey.
I just changed the clock in my car to show the actual time here comes the good life
It's better to plagiarize from Encarta than from Wikipedia, because people actually read Wikipedia.
What's the currency in space? Starbucks
Why did the one eyed bird go into a frozen food store Because it was birdseye
What do you call a group of JD Salingers? A Humble Hindi Bundle.
Never stop seeking knowledge. It is how we grow as a society. But if you do, go ahead and run for office.
This woman's "I'm deleting my Facebook" post has 52 comments and she's replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
What do army ants have in common with masturbating dolphins? Both come in waves...
Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Am I the only one who feels bad breaking a family of bananas in half? This is how sensitive and crazy I am.
[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring] Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need... [cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling] Legos
Why did Adele crawl under the cow? ...to say hello from the udder side. I'll take my Oscar now.
COP: You're allowed 1 phone call ME: I'm gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me* *everyone claps & cheers* *hands check over to teller* Check is for $1.00
Why do u wanna work at Burger King? *imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king* "I haven't taken my meds in weeks"
Why didn't the conspiracy theorist make his irreverently named pet sleep outside? Because 9/11 was an inside dog.
Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art" But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"
Why are black people tall? Because their knee grows.
Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Tim Tebow is a lot like Mary because they're both virgins. But at least Mary was able to produce.
I work as a Lie Detector for police interrogations. At least it's honest work.
Knock knock! "Who's there?" "L.A." "L.A. who?" "L.A. who Akbar!"
What do male prostitutes and Inspector Closeau have in common? They're both Peter Sellers
How many Hillary Clinton's does it take to screw in a light bulb?. How many Hillary Clinton's does it take to screw in a light bulb? I belive GE is a corner stone of the American economy.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? [not the traditional punchline] Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye... It would have worked out, but I discovered she was seeing someone on the side
[during sex] HER: I want you to make me scream ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
what do you call a whale that mates constantly? your girlfreind
A man walks up to a woman sitting alone... ...He ask her "Did you fall from heaven?" She begins to blush and giggle and replies with a smirk "Maybe.. Why?" "Because you look *really* fucked up."
American light beer is like two people making love in a canoe... fucking close to water
TIME TRAVELER: I'm here from the future ME: Really? Who wins the election? TT: Omg it's such a disgrace ME: You need to be more specific
Are You From Boston? Because you're the bomb...
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl? "Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy"
The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.
Michael Phelps can't play any MMORPG anymore He always gets banned as a gold farmer.
When in trouble I think What Would Justin Bieber Do? scream like a little girl, grab nonexistent testicles & run away awkwardly.
I'm so drunk I can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.
Donald Trump has received 50% of the African American Republican vote so far.... and the other one has voted for Ben Carson.
Don't worry if a fat guy comes to kidnap you... I told Santa all I want for Christmas is you.
Somebody told me my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding] yeah but you should see the other guy! [cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]
Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up? They call their tailor Herr Dresser
What do 9 out of 10 people always agree on? Gang rape What do those 9 disagree about? The order
What's the difference between a man biking to a job interview and a clown on a unicycle? Attire.
Several insects dancing in a pen, what is the name of the movie? In The Pen Dance Day
I think "So do you come here often?" is a valid pick-up line. I don't want a girl who's drinking 7 martinis everyday.
Why can't a Chinese couple get a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white
Last night, during sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move... She was like, "What the hell are you doing!?" And I was like, "Hush baby, I saw this on PornHub....it's called 'buffering'."
Having an elliptical in my living room has improved my health. Moving it out of the way when I lay down to watch TV burns like 25 calories
Physics Joke I tried having a threeway with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three body problem
What did the Triangle say to the Circle? "Your life is pointless."
How do you start a powerful woman's movement? Laxatives.
Why is the Kentucky Derby run in a circle? They like horsin' around.
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint
How did King George view the colonists? He thought they were revolting
My sexlife
I know Victoria's secret She's hungry.
I took part in an erection competition over the weekend I made it to the semi's
What type of melon would Romeo and Juliet have been? Cantaloupe.
high school was the free trial version of college. "if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000"
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he'd be like, "WITCH!"
What does Speedy Gonzalez keep under his carpet? Underlay! Underlay!
Why did the man go fishing? Just for the halibut.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.
Why isn't Hitler invited to the barbecue? Because he always burns the franks
If you don't believe that Love is Blind. Look at Howard Wolowitz and Bernadette Rostenkowski.
What do you call a skinned, animal-throwrug for your vehicle? A carpet.
North Korean civilians have been playing the Hunger Games since the 1950s.
What do nosy peppers do? They get jalapeno business. :)
"I see," said the blind man... As he picked up his hammer and saw.
What do you call a gay Yeti A snow blower!
If Trump wins the election *Orange* is the new *Black*
My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.
Oh please! Merkel: "Alexis, I don't think you Greeks understand the seriousness of your debt situation..." Tsipras: "Oh please....you really should give us a bit more credit."
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don't show up there.
I know that we don't all agree on our new president But at least the first lady is someone we can all get behind.
The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when I was a sperm.
Denied candy because I "didn't wear red". Kicked out of the office because I "didn't wear pants". I'm tired of these Valentine's Day rules.
I WON'T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY! *sits* Ok, proceed.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn't get me anymore. I. Don't. Want. A. Fish.
What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear 
What do you get when you cross a duck and a fire work? A firequacker
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv. Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning? By opening the car door.
You don't need to learn how to masturbate, It comes naturally.
How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask? He's Force fed
How did the fruits get married? They Cantaeloped!
I'd make a joke about the Hindenberg, but... I feel like it would *crash and burn*.
What did the fat cat go to prison for? Purrrjury
Haven't refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jewish person? The Boy Scout comes home from camp. ^First ^time ^posting ^on ^this ^sub ^don't ^know ^what's ^too ^offensive ^and ^what's ^not ^sorry.
My old car is a great investment It doubles in value every time I fill the gas tank.
Wise Men Sea man came across a woman, there was a lot of cleaning up
What's green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus? A: He comes down the chimney wakes up the children and says "Hey kids do you want to buy some toys?"
Coffee maker in the IT department doesn't work Try reinstalling Java.
What do you call a group of religious oranges? Jehovah's citruses.
What's the difference between Ant and Dec and lesbian sex? Nothing. They're both just a couple of cunts bouncing off each other.
"Endless shrimp" sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It's a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I quit smoking, drinking and chasing women... Worst 10 minutes of my life...
My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. That was an awkward SMS to receive.
Groupies How many groupies does it take to change a light-bulb? None, they all know someone that does it for them.
"BRB" - Hindu Gravestone
Why does Poland stay from Germany? a couple decades ago they had a three way with Russia that ended poorly
What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
2 men walk into a bar. The first 1 says "I'll have some H20" the second one says "I'll have some H202" The second one died.
Wife : don't forget to pick up the kids at the school Me : why
Why did the scarecrow earn an achievement award? He was outstanding in his field
Miley Cyrus down at the post office lickin all the stamps. Mail lady says they're not even that kind of stamp anymore but Miley doesn't stop
Where did king Tut go to masturbate? His Jerkophagus
If a Nun changed sex... Would that make them a tran-sister?
Why did Chandler play the blues as loud as he could? He wanted to harm monica.
Why did Sally fall off the swings? She had no arms. Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
Why can't a schizophrenic kleptomaniac become President? He always takes office clothes.
What's the greatest gift you could give to a trashcan? A baby.
Is it true that Martha Washington had wooden boobs?
A duck walks into a CVS... The duck walks up to the counter and says, "I'd like to buy some chapstick." The clerk says, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "I'll just put it on my bill."
Driver: My God... that weasel... Onlooker: He just went... "pop"... Weasel's family: *sobbing* Ice-cream man: I've got an idea for a song y'all.
Which 20th Century Business tycoon was a top? The one who could really Rock-a-feller
I'm 5'5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Women hate it when you call them ma'am or sleep with their friends.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was out standing in his field.
"So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?" "I'll sleep on it"
I wonder who plays the "famous rich guy who can relate to poor people" on the AT&T; commercials at Luke Wilson's house?
Ad hominem tactics are awful and so is anyone that uses them.
I used to be in a relationship with a Mobius loop It was very one-sided.
What do you get when you mix batteries and water? Watt-er
What is a neckbeard's favorite color? M'genta
Have you heard the new hipster joke? Yea, I have it on vinyl.
It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit.
I just licked guacamole off my elbow. Yup.
Why do smart people wear glasses? Because as resolution goes down performance goes up. This is a little bad but....
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four, it'd be called a chicken sedan.
My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen...
Which side of a chicken has more feathers? The outside
guy at work: "good weekend?" me: [in next toilet stall] "please leave me alone"
How does an attorney go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other!!
Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, 'Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe' night.
What do mermaids wear to math class? An algae-bra!
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
What kind of meat do priests eat on good Friday? Nun.
Mother Earth: I'm not a regular mom. I'm a Cool Mom. [humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature] Earth: This is fine. I'm a Cool Mom
There was a professional hockey player that had to go to an away game, but he couldn't take his dog along with him. He got 2 minutes for boarding.
What do you call a bee who's had a spell put  on him ? He's bee-witched !
What's the difference between purple and pink? Your grip!
Why do hamburgers and hot dogs fuck their cousins? Because they're inbred!
"Oh you're excited about something? I'll make sure that it doesn't happen." - Life
Dear everyone reading this tweet, What's the future like?
Check it out on Netflix There's this new docu-series about religion in professional sports. The first episode is titled *Bindi Like Beckham*
Have you ever smelled moth balls? Reply: Yes How did you manage to get between their tiny legs?
A Stormtrooper and a Red Shirt get into a firefight. The Stormtrooper misses every shot, and the Red Shirt still dies.
I don't see how someone could mourn the loss of a Chinese dictator. It just seems unbereaveable to me.
My doctor just gave me some good news about my prostate.... ...He gave me the thumbs up
What's the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What *the* fuck! and What *a* fuck!
What did the American Army General say after the first opposing casualty in the Mexican-American War? Juan down, a million more to go.
I know this gem of a procrastination joke. I'll tell you later.
Why are people pissed off that Justin Bieber smoked some weed? It's not like he released another album or anything.
I use to have a quantum-sized girlfriend, but she was too quarky for me.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I'm not supposed to be at this slumber party.
TIFU by climbing into a German U-Boat Whoops. Wrong sub.
When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Stalin took from the rich and gave it to the poor... ... and then he took both of them and put them into the Gulag for 25 years. EDIT: spelling
I wouldn't say I do a lot of psychedelics... But my couch has seatbelts.
How do you catch a Polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice, place peas around the hole and when the Polar bear comes up to take a pea, you kick it in the icehole. :)
A man walks into a restaurant and calls over the waiter and asks him "Do you serve pigs?" The waiter - "We don't discriminate between our customers."
I hope that bee enjoyed the close-up of my face because that's the last thing he ever saw. #rip
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn't even try to diss your clothes. what's your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I've just heard that Harrison Ford crashed his plane onto a golf course Apparently he was just dropping in for a Short Round
What's long and hard when you first put in in your mouth, but soft and wrinkly when you take it out? A piece of gum, you pervert!
What does watching golf and a giant spinning dildo have in common? They both bore the fuck out of you.
Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying "My, uh... friend said..."
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you. ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.
You're on top of Mount Everest. How do you get down? Pluck a duck.
Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
Everyone done keeping calm yet?
My brother is addicted to break fluid... But he says he can stop any time.
If a Butterfinger doesn't list butter as an ingredient, then is it all just finger?
My ex sent me a text saying "please delete my number..." I sent one back saying "who's this?"
Did you hear the latest news from black holes? Nothing has come out
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with diarrhoea? One shucks between fits...
Dear Neighbours, "She's coming" isn't a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[firemen meeting] if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker *from back* "why dont we just sit downstairs?"
What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? No one knows. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
The guy who proofread Hitler's speaches was literally a grammar Nazi.
What jumps up and down in front of a car ?  Froglights !
I've got an Uncle Rube. I mean he's really my mother's sister's roommate's friend's hairdresser's step-dad, but the effect is the same.
I remain convinced that the only people who can gracefully sprint in stilettos are prostitutes.
What happened to the number 10? It got stuck in 9/11
Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way when you do insult them you're already a mile away and you have their shoes.
What's the difference in the KKK and the Supreme Court? The KKK dresses in white and scares the hell out of black people, the Supreme Court dresses in black and scares the hell out of white people.
2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, both in hospital...one's in a korma..
Where do bros go for spring break? Gainzville.
I'm so sick of being white it's like playing a video game on easy
Sodium said to neon, "I gave your mother my electron last night!" Neon didn't react.
How is cribbage like anal sex? In both, scoring involves pegging.
When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm vegetarian."
Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.
You think we should see other people? I'm bipolar. I am other people.
My dad just lost his leg in a motorcycle accident Now his feet only smell half as bad.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling "He doesn't even buy bread."
  . The joke does not translate.
nba joke The cavaliers without lebron...
The best part of being a crackhead.... Only two more sleeps until Christmas.
Secret combination of ingredients for homemade Viagra discovered Add 2 parts MiracleGro to 1 part Fix-A-Flat
Why are gays never late for hotel check out? Because they get their shit packed the night before
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? It's the scenter.
I love the way the Earth rotates It really makes my day
Ever heard the song Coldplay wrote about the American Civil War? It goes: "When you try your best, but you don't secede".
What did the Frenchman say after 80? Blaze it.
My friend asked me if I wanted to walk down a hill with him. I declined.
Cutting out gluten is a great way to lose weight and friends
The lifeguard caught me peeing in the pool, today. He shouted so loud I nearly fell in.
Perfect Joke: Two peanuts were walking down the street... ...one was assaulted.
How many white people does it take to replace a light bulb? One to hold the bulb, and the rest to screw the whole world.
Who is the most popular guy in a swingers' club? The guy who can carry a dozen doughnuts without using his hands. Who's the most popular woman? The one who can get the last one without using hers.
Doctor's office A man walk's into the doctor's office to get a check-up. The doctor tells the man he needs to quit masturbating. The man asks why . The doctor says, "So I can examine you".
Why did the pig walk into the kitchen? Because he felt like bacon. :P
Little to no thought was put into this status.
I feel bad for skeletons... They have *nobody* to be with.
Yo, Hillary, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish... ...but the World Trade Centre had one of the best collapses of all time! One of the best collapses of all time!
I was at the doctor today and he told me he needed a urine sample, a stool sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample. So I gave him my underwear.
When is the Bible accurate? When it's thrown from a short distance.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a black man? Someone who steals your job then doesn't show up.
When I see a reality show, I can't decide which sucks more. Reality or the show.
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
[Gym] Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake! Me: "Jake?" *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Q: What do you get when you combine a recliner with a fruit? A: A chairy.
Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.
Now I can't wear my nude crystal dress this weekend. Thanks, Rihanna.
Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?" Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".
I like my women like I like my coffee...... Ground up and in the freezer
You pick up the phone: "Hello, this is the IRS.."
What's E.T short for He's got little legs.
What do you call bears with no ears? B
Why couldn't the crime scene investigators find the murder weapon? They thought it was a piece of cake.
A man got a vasectomy without telling his wife. When she found out she said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" "Yes, I'm not kidding you." he said.
Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust Now I'm dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
Flavor Flav is the bomb  \()/ 
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
That awkward moment when.. ...you show up to a feminist picnic and no one made sandwiches.
Why do girls... Hang out in odd numbers? Because they can't even!
Lindsey Lohan is going to be charged with a felony tomorrow. In other news, restaurants serve food.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.
Do you like sex on tv? I tried once, but I fell off.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is "guilt" I pretty much have it in the bag.
Premature Ejaculators Anonymous, Wednesday at 5:30AM I'd be there, but there's no way I'd come that early.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say "I haven't decided yet" while sobbing uncontrollably
My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
What kind of car drives over water? Any kind of car if it goes over a bridge.
Why did Amy Schumer go to a psychic? Because it's the only way she'll ever get near a medium.
How do you fail a urine test with a clean sample? Poop in the specimen cup.
We can put a man on the moon but we can't reference any other achievements?
What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped
Lesbians aren't that tough... In fact, they're all fucking pussies.
Haikus have three lines Sometimes they don't make much sense Refrigerator.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because their boobs are too big for b-shells!
Happy 15th bday, Internet Explorer! We baked you a cake. What's that funny taste? Definitely not poison. Have another slice!
I slapped Kim Kardashian's ass once I don't like his music.
I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day. The court trial starts tomorrow.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
Oh, I'm just in the bathroom stall, standing on the toilet. So yeah, it's 4/20 & I'm totally high on pot.
British jokes aren't funny anymore. They lack hEUmour.
Yo momma is so fat... ...She was diagnosed with a flesh-eating virus and they gave her 15 years to live.
The spokesperson for the National organisation against impotence got up to the podium... ...And proclaimed "This will not stand!"
Did you hear about the guy who thought his dishwasher was talking to him? Told him to kill his neighbor's dog, in Spanish.
A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue. 'Is it moving?' they asked. 'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'
Why didn't the Eskimo want to go hunting? I don't know, guess he just wasn't Inuit.
My parents are middle aged. "Mine are to-" [parents burst through bedroom door on horses] "CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?"
Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you'll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you'll see their son crying
I've been working with NASCAR on redesigning the track for more variety, but it's tough I just can't seem to get it right
I'm going to buy a boomerang now... You need friends to play Frisbee.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Ha! Feminists can't change anything.
I don't want to do cocaine. I just want to know what it smells like.
How do you keep your wife screaming after an orgasm? Wipe your dick on the curtains.
What do priests and zits have in common? They bost bust on 12 year Olds faces
I asked my friend, "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?" He said, "Cold War Russia."
You know what I heard? Sheep
When I get a dog I am going to name it syndrome Because when he jumps up on me I can shout "Down syndrome"
What is the square root of 69? Eight something. Get it?
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.
How do you post a fish? You send it COD ... or first bass mail
I was going to tell a gay joke But fuck it
Maybe I'd bother with cologne if my natural scent didn't make even elderly women violently ovulate.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Get in the car.
Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
Figurative digits When is a 2 literally a 6? When it has metaphor.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
You know what's gay? Two men having sex. Whats gayer than two men having sex? Three gay men having sex. What's even gayer? An infinite number of gay men having sex.
How does Batman's mother call him to dinner? She doesn't, she's dead
What does the baker turned counterfeiter say? "I make my own dough". My sister Katie came up with this one.
They hired a comedian for the local construction site. Everybody loves him. You could say he's really nailing it.
What is the difference between Emo teenagers and your lawn? Your lawn won't cut itself.
What's a stoners favorite marker? A Highlighter
Can you people please stop being so condescending and passive-aggressive? Thanks!
How do you get an fat chick into bed? Piece of cake. Stolen from /u/No1ReallyCares' comment
Q: Who ruled France until he exploded? A: Napoleon Blownapart!
If I want to check instructions and it's in Spanish, .. .. am I checking a Manuel?
So, I asked a few former Wall Street employees how they were going to clean their record... ..."Submerse it in water", they said. The bath-tards.
Mummies might be scarier if they weren't called mummies. Brits call their Moms that. Suggestion: Psycho Rotting Corpse Wrapped In Gauze.
"That kid..." That kid is so nerdy, he's as classy as Frank Sinatra, haha... Wait...
Three men walk into a bar you would think the third one would have ducked
What's the shittiest dog race? The poo-dle! I'll be seeing myself out :/
A man goes to the hospital after shoving 6 toy horses in his ass... After a thorough inspection, the doctor stated his condition was stable.
I'm very good to my wife, everyday I'll run the hot water and put the bubbles in for her ...just to make doing the dishes that bit easier.
What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk? A dead bird.
Teacher : What are you reading ? Pupil : I dunno ! Teacher : But you're reading aloud ! Pupil : But I'm not listening !
What do you call a person who teaches you how to fart? A tutor.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Heard your mom was into bdsm Apparently she likes to tie guys up in her rolls Sorry if this is a shit post first time poster 
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad? EXCUSE ME?! *sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad *snaps newspaper* that's better
Contagious Had my grandmother mow my lawn, it took that contagious.
I'm surprised bread is still made after... ... The flour power movement ended
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn't she make herself some pets? I'd have like 50 snowcats by now.
Racist jokes are like a suicide bomber They really clear the room.
What did the veggies say, as they sat down for supper? "Lettuce, pray."
Did you know that if you laid the entirety of my intestines out in a straight line you'd likely be incarcerated for many years?
A boy and a gorilla walk into a bar... The boy says "first shot's on me" The gorilla replies "nah, I got this"
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work because the dog just goes "Cool, now we're both barking!"
What do Reddit Users and Olive Oil have in common? They're both extra virgin.
congrats to those who made it onto my "Not A Lizard" spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.
Listen, I'll play that funky music if you ask me in a nice, non-derogatory way.
A few years ago, Katy Perry came up to me at a party and whispered, "I want you to pound my little asshole." "You're on." I narrowed my eyes, "Is he here?"
So I asked my Dad, "What was on Grandpa's mind when he had that aneurysm?" "Probably a tumor."
I can't believe they're still together after all that crap... "Who?" Your butt cheeks.
Why do priests have lots of kids? They always use the holy condoms.
It's cute the way they make the Oreos bag resealable like I'm not going to eat them all.
Why do flowers and beer get along so well? They're buds
Why did the chicken cross the road To get too the other side lmao memeboi
A LOT of people have been photobombing my shots of Waldo
How do you become a millionaire overnight? Start off a billionaire then make a bunch of bad investments.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite form of coordination? HAAAAANNNNND EEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEYYYYEEE
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.
So I heard a new Pope was elected today... His wife and kids must be so proud!
If you can't stand behind our troops, feel free to to stand in front of them!
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, "Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat's meow."
I for one, like Roman Numerals
Bawk to the Future #ChickenMovies
I was cornered in an alley way by a German holding a sausage I looked him straight in the eyes and bravely said "go on, do your wurst"
Stevie Wonder... I don't see what his problem is!
Particle physics joke The bartender yells, "We don't serve your kind here!" A tachyon walks into a bar.
I am not schizophrenic doctor We're just fine......
My career is in ruins. It's fucking great being an archaeologist.
Disabled toilets... Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
What do you call a barn full of black people? A police shooting range.
The worst part about a prostate exam... is getting an erection in the middle of the exam and then them finding out you're not even a doctor.
Did you hear about the Energizer Bunny? A judge charged him with battery.
How do you pick up women in Waco, Texas? With a DustBuster.
I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins \-Son, leave the room please. \-Dad, but I'm 23... \-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.
Why did the Mormon cross the road? To get to the other bride!
Last night, a man assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese. Not much to say really, I got whipped and he got charged with assault and buttery.
What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk.
Did you hear about the two radio antennae who fell in love and decided to get married? The ceremony was okay, but the reception was excellent.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? It looks like you landed on your face
[Tim Burton tries baseball] COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now T: Yes C: Ok. Pitch T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De- C: I'm gonna kill him
Ancient wisdom: There is no tri... only a do-ceratops. Just dug this joke up.
Guy told me I have "Bambi eyes"...is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don't shoot my mother.
Life tip - buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift. You are welcome.
Why did Microsoft skip to windows 10? Because 7 8 9.
Asked someone today if they knew any good antonyms for yes They didn't know any
Dreams can come true. For example, One night I dreamed that I was poor, sad and alone after three months the dream come true.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.
I'm responsible for the deaths of 100's local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead!
I Dropped Out of Elementary School Because of Recess.. I don't play games.
Here's a double entendre joke I made up Why do grump pedophiles like cats? They're assholes...
Taking BuzzFeed's millennialness quiz. Apparently having mental health issues and not knowing your gender is 100% millennial.
Have you heard about the jewish comedian? They say he Israeli funny.
There's nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack.
What do Gingers and Extinct Dinosaurs have in common? Not enough"
A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you  were beautiful.
"I love u" "Umm isn't it a bit too soon to say I love you?" "Oh ha I meant the letter U. What's your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol"
#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.
A fly gets hit by a truck. what is the last thing to go through it's head? It's arse
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. "First offender?" The judge asked. "No" said the bailiff, "First a Gibson, then a Fender."
What's that diving? Is it a bird, Is it a plane... No it's the British Pound...
video games allow you to journey to wondrous locations straight out of your dreams such as: warehouse, sewer, and subway tunnel
Working at a Land Rover factory is so interesting I make a new Discovery every day
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo
What makes Stevie wonder? What everything looks like.
I met a girl that told me, "Make me laugh and I'm yours". So I pulled down my pants. Apparently, she didn't want to laugh that hard. :(
This cashier was totally just checking me out, you guys.
Just saw an unbelievably beautiful woman in the park. I wonder how many cows her father would give me to marry her.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Child actors cry so realistically because their parents have given them a bottomless well of sadness to draw from. And... ACTION!
After failing miserably at a standup routine I told my girlfriend I was going to try physical comedy. She said... "You can't pull your pants down in public."
Why do single women take advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Pilots sure do like dick holes... Sorry, im just testing out my new thesaurus
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Why would anyone lie about liking big butts?
What screams, wails, and lights up? A bus-load of babies on fire.
What kind of joke did the forgetful Redditor make?
What's the worst part of fucking twenty-seven year olds? There's twenty of them.
What's the difference between Christianity and Judaism? Christians pay for their sins
I'm starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
What's a horse's number one priority when voting? A stable economy...
What is 12 inches long, rock hard and full of semen? The sock under my bed.
Did you know there is going to be a spin-off from that old show touched by an angel It's going to be called Touched by a Priest.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can't click because I'm eating cereal and a sandwich.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
One good thing about pedophiles....! At least they drive slow in school zones...!
Can't believe people still say "pot" it's not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
What do you call a group of pirates having sex? An *Arrr*-gy...
I gave a Republican an IQ test... He rolled it up and tried to shoot me in the dick with it.
My friend just told me this joke: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Chicken" "Chicken who?" "TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!"
Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
When a celebrity dies, who's the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the "is"s to "was"s on their Wikipedia page?
Now that Harriet Tubman is on the $20 bill I hear it will only be worth $15.80
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
Yesterday I burnt my food so black... ... it stole my bike.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because then the children have to play inside.
A man went to a zoo... When he got home, his wife asked him how it was. He replied "There was only one dog in the entire zoo!! It was a shitzu."
If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria 1. Hair 2. At least one eye 3. A pulse 4. Not that bothered about 1
I'm a genie. If you rub me, ill grant you 3 wishes.
What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don't have Cancer! Me: So it's working...
What's the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories =D
Why are lions more religious than other animals? They prey regularly.
My life is boring, I'm a shitty photographer and I don't know how to write. So anyway, what should I call my blog?
Why did the baker have stinky hands? He kneaded a poo
Whats the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? Ones a snack cracker and ones a crack snacker!
I had a big mix up at the store today. Apparently when the clerk said strip down facing me, she was referring to my credit card.
Why are eggs so good at humor? Because they have running yolks.
old man's advice when you're young, she just takes your breath away, but once you're older, you realize she's suffocating you.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
[Produce Aisle] Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. *mouthful of like 20 grapes * "That lady took one too!!"
I was gonna tell you a joke about the wind... ...But it blows
I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.
FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
What does a whore call a bus load of men? Meals on Wheels
What did Jesus say when he made his return? "Hey guys! What's goin on? Tweet my return! #JesusReturns"
When I post a joke... ...and no one rates, I just assume that they all died from laughter.!!
Hitler was a bad guy... But then again he did kill hitler. But he also killed the guy that killed hitler, so...
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me.
What do you call a helicopter with no radar and no windows? A Helenkelicopter.
Shirley Temple, a wonderful example that making sex tapes, twerking, and going to re-hab are NOT necessary to make it in Hollywood. Classy is ALWAYS in style. RIP Little Princess.
I baby-proofed my apartment but they keep getting in.
I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground
Did you hear about the NASCAR driver who went the wrong way around the track? It turned out to be all right.
So I slept right through the blood moon event this morning, I'm more of a crip moon guy anyway.
If you love something, let it go. From the creators of "If you're tired, go for a run," and "If you're on fire, eat bees"
What do you call the security guys at Samsung The guardians of the galaxy
"Momma momma, why do I keep running around in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
The year is 2035. The only movies are superhero reboots. Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
What do you call a Jawa's favourite magician? Houdini.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Did you hear about the gay broom? Spent 10 years in the closet.
The doctor said I have Type A blood But it was a Type O
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.  - It's called wedding cake.
My sister won a horse pulling contest She went so fast she nearly fell off her stool.
"Grandpa, grandpa! Tell us again about the time you whittled a 189 character idea down to a perfect 140 character tweet!"
Running away doesn't help you with your problems. Unless you're fat.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.
My sons joke - if you've a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand. What have you got? A big cricket.
What's a Porn Star's favorite spell? Expecto Erection
My date cancelled; said he had an emergency. I just saw him at the market buying cereal and I thought, 'I agree with his priorities.'
Why can't you escape the angry forest? Because there are mad trees.
I went to see a movie about Beethoven... it was du-du-du dull, du-du-du-dull.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My ex talked me into marriage I mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife
How do you get 1000 dead babies into the bed of a pickup truck? A blender! How do you get them out? Nacho chips!
What does the sign at a nudist Buddhist beach say? No [Bhikkhunis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhikkhuni) allowed.
what's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? attire.
Why is a pensioners vagina like a pork pie? Because you have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Words can't describe how beautiful you are. But numbers can 4/10
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Damn girl, are you Miley Cyrus? I fucking hate you.
I won't slam on my brakes if someone's tailgating me...I will, however, take my foot off the accelerator and slowly come to a stop.
Why were the Libyans eating money? They were having dinar.
If a man says he is going to fix something he will. There is no need for a women to ask every 6 months about it
Why can ducks fly so well? They're high on quack.
What do you call a morbidly obese hippy? Tie Dyeabetes
What is the difference between a Train and an Hamster ? The train got windows
Why did the skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop.
My goal in life is to get my face on a coin. That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.
Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them. *selfies*
[playing pictionary] Her: A circle..a ring...a diamond ring...a diamond engagement ring...OMG YES I'LL MARRY YOU! Him: Its a door knocker.
The headline "WORLD'S OLDEST PERSON DIES" could also be "WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON".
Why don't smart girls ever get pregnant? Because they use their head.
Why did the feminist cross the road To suck my dick.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Well Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Mexican Olympics Why can't Mexico field a winning Olympic team? Because everyone that can run, jump or swim is in the US.
What's a 90's kid's favorite salad? Quinoa &amp; Kale
Apple Airpods A $159 game of hide and seek.
What's black and doesn't work? Half of London.
Why did one european country eat the other? Because it was Hungary
Treat life's problems like your dog would... If you can't eat it or fuck it, just piss on it and walk away.
What does gay rooster say? Sev-sev-seveeeeen.
What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.
I'm tired and want to sleep, but I can't stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Colorado changed the name of Christmas to Juana. "Merry Juana!"
The greatest trick the devil ever played was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.
I'm afraid that my best friend is developing an addiction to brake fluid. I've called him out on it, but he says he can stop anytime.
What does a pig use for his skin? Oinkment.
[Opens a beer at the park] "Dude. There's kids here." Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea. I wouldn't pay $300 to let a lentil on my face.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances...
How do Canadians take care of their skin? Maybe it's maple leaf.
Did you hear that Bruce Willis is going to star in a movie where he goes undercover as an elderly nun? It's called Old Habits Die Hard
Girlfriend Pissing You Off? Text her "He's busy" and turn your phone off.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill hillary: stop calling him that
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Knock knock... Who's there? Europe Europe who? No, you're a poo!
I Used To Be Against Sodomy Butt fuck it!
What does a Muslim cowboy shout on his horse? Jee hawd!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't you hear it when a pteranodon goes to the bathroom? Because they're all dead.
My dad wears loosey-whities.
"No more self-deprecating tweets," I whisper fatly.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor looks him over and says "You have got to stop masturbating" "Why?" "Because I'm trying to give you a physical"
there's a portal to another dimension underneath Zooey Deschanel's bangs and I am determined to use it to meet Benjamin Franklin
I don't go to Applebee's often I know how to microwave my own meals
Happy International Women's Day Or its better known name, Just Another Made Up Holiday No One Gives A Fuck About Day. or my favorite, Tuesday.
There are two rules for success: Rule #1. Never reveal everything you know
What is round, heavy, has 3 holes, and is often found in a gutter? My ex wife.
When Jesus went to heaven technically he was moving back in with his parents..
The Mafia have decided to update it's operations to keep up with internet trading. Their first venture is called Pay-Up-Pal
Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I'm saying? Friend: ...
*Judge raises hammer* "I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE" -*defendant chuckles* "I'm already alive you MORON!"
What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? The drunk driver runs the stop sign. The stoned driver waits for it to turn green.
Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track Police think it may be race related
Why is Microsoft going straight to Windows 10? Because 7.. 8.. 9
What's the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a hooker with diarrhea? The epileptic corn shucker shucks between fits.
Did you hear about the convicted grammar Nazi? He was *sentenced* to death
Wait ... "El Chapo" is a Mexican drug lord .... and not the guy who's been stealing our Chapsticks for years ?
My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
The breweries of the United States are planning to overthrow the government... It's a consbeeracy!
Your mom is so fat Even Jesus couldn't lift her spirits up.
Whats The hardest thing about rollerblading Telling your Dad you're Gay
How is a lesbian like a camel? Their hump has no bone.
Q: What do get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile? A: An animal that talks your head off.
What do you call unborn twins? Wombmates.
My buddy told me this one: "People think I'm ugly until they see my bank account" "Then they think I'm ugly and poor."
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What's the difference between an English pig and a French pig? A French pig goes, "Oui! Oui! Oui!" all the way home.
Every girl I bring home is unemployed, drunk and on drugs. I'm starting to think that whole "opposites attract" thing is bullshit.
Why do baby birds love Amy Schumer's comedy? They can't handle anything that hasn't been consumed and regurgitated.
How can you tell if your buddy is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
What if the aliens were from Uranus..
How were the Jews captured during World War 2? They could not resist a ho-low-cost.
I bet when you barge in on a chicken rapist and say "Guess what!?" they really mean it when they say "Chicken butt."
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Where do you send a Jew with ADHD? A concentration camp!
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? There, they're, their.
Reddit repost
Did you hear about the guy who's been pickpocketing midget charity workers? How could someone stoop so low?
"Go down, Moses." And he did. And that's why the ladies loved him.
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to the party? He's a party pooper!
What does one star say to another star when they meet? Glad to meteor!
9 y/o daughter: dad, what's your favourite healthy food? Me: fruits. Your's? 9: Eggs Me: Good 9: like Reese's peanut butter eggs
Are you spectacularly unfunny? But have heard the way funny people talk? Ever considered a career in morning radio?
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef, but it takes a special skill to pea soup.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Capital letters are important. It can be the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Robert Downey Jr. went on a trip to the Virgin Islands Now it's just called " The Islands."
Doctor: "We got your test results back. I'm so sorry--it's Curiosity." Cat: "Oh my god..."
Man I love watching women's curling in the Olympics. It's the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Why was the math teacher late for school? He took the rhombus
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you're required to have the baby for her
I never wanted to believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had garbanzo bean on my face.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me. DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
What do cows do for fun? They go to the moo-vies!
Did you hear about the police detective who really bungled the vampire case? He set up a stake out.
Joker: You're endangering a minor Batman: He's my partner Joker: Why's he in his underwear? Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? 'ell if I know.
If laziness were an olympic discipline... ... I'd want to finish 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the medals podium...
What kind of sex do you have with twenty seven year olds? Any kind you want, there's twenty of them.
What does a wife and a tornado have in common? They start with a blowjob then they take your house.
For Christmas this year I'm going to pay my bills and look at pictures of Europe and cry.
I've been sexually frustrated ever since my girlfriend left with the broken fan. Who's going to blow me now?
How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 but how they got in the light bulb I will never know
I'm such a crastinator... I'm way too busy redditing to go Pro!
An Irish man walks out of a bar... Not likely, but weirder things have happened.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ... Then I thought, look what's telling me that
My boss My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Stephen.
I hate arrogant people....It's like they think they're better than me...No one is better than me!
I like my women like I like my coffee Tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey!
I don't want to sound ignorant, but if I can't understand something, then it's stupid and I hate it.
Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book Me: Get the what now?
How many passive aggressive people does it take to change a light bulb? Don't bother, I'll do it myself.
Two Germans walk into a bar... I forget the punchline, but I know it was heilarious.
How do Mexicans cut their pizzas? Little Caesers
If the tongue is a muscle I want your pussy to be my gym
Knock, Knock Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? EEEEWWWWWW.
Just told a couple disbelieving millennials about how we used to have to poop without cell phones.
I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes
Why didn't Anna and Elsa's parents teach them the alphabet? Because they got lost at C.
Take me down to the paraphrase city. Where it's nice.
What's the first thing a hillbilly says after losing her virginity? Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes.
The difference between a turtle and a politician... ... You feel bad after running over a turtle.
If I have to Russian again... Soviet.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music...pugstep.
I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert. I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work.
Why do pigs never recover from illness ?  Because you have to kill them before you cure them !
What's the difference between a pedophile and acne? Acne waits for puberty to cum on your face
What does Deadpool need? Someone to merc him shut up.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I've recently invented a new gaseous compound I like to call 'Fuh'. I like to spray myself with it before I go out. It often causes people to Fuh-cough.
I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Cock... is a fowl word.
Why is the Statue of Liberty a woman? Because the head had to be empty in order to build a restaurant.
I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69 She made me crunchy sweet and sour pork with double rice
Why was the lazy-eyed man a horrible teacher? Because he couldn't control his pupils.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? And 'entruncated'? How about 'monosyllabic'? Who's running this language?
If C3PO was made of glass... That would make him a see-through-PO!
I want to start a customizable shoe store in Canada I'm gonna call it "It's All About You"
Hey pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Voldemort in a garbage bag.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs? Me: Would you eat them if they were? 4: No! Me: 4: Unless I had ketchup.
I don't think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That's pretty basic stuff.
Why do you see so many Bernie Posts on r/all? Because supporters of other candidates are out working or voting.
No one cared about Cap'n Crunch when he was a Lieut'n'nt Com'nd'r
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Didja hear that Israel's Chief Rabbi has told Israeli LGBT's that they will no longer be allowed to speak Hebrew ... wait for it ... Yeah - they're gonna have to speak Shebru instead ...
My principal doesn't allow guns in school... ...So i had to put on a long sleeve shirt
Tech guy says: "When in doubt reboot. " Okay, I've rebooted but i still don't see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.
I always felt suicidal.. because I'm hanging on by a thread
Accordion to a recent survey, most people don't notice when a musical instrument is inserted into a sentence.
CNN just said the world is forty trillion dollars in debt. Who the f*ck does the world owe? Jupiter?
The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement
How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to beat the bulb for being broke, another to shoot the room for being black.
What did Ozzy Osbourne do after eating a whole Bull? He threw up the horns.
What works better than anti-depressants? A 12 Gauge in the mouth This came to me whilst being all depressed.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Kentucky Fried Chicken has introduced the new Hillary Bucket. Two large thighs, two small breasts and two left wings.
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? ....getting her out of the wheelchair.
I saw a midget carrying a TV out of Best Buy I asked, "Hey, do you need help with that flat-screen?" He replied, "Fuck off, this is a Kindle!"
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One deer says to the other deer "I can't believe I just blew twenty bucks in there!"
Prince: "The slipper fits! You're the girl I met!" Girl: "I wasn't even at the ball. This is a common shoe size." Prince: "YOU'RE THE GIRL!"
What do you call it when you make sandwiches at a sleepover? Peanut butter and jammies!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him. "Who unfollowed me?"
Empty brain A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Chuck Norris' penis has a Ph.D in sexual education. It also has a pretty mean golf swing.
How do thunderstorms invest their money?  -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets
Where did the pirate go to college? Yale. He was rejected from H**arrrr**vard.
I get this girl to come home with me. I'm in bed with her and then she tells me "Just the tip." Jokes on her, that's all I got.
I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes
Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn't a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.
When I think about it, Gaston really was a peaceable chap... It's a shame. He was a shoe in for the No-Belle prize.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall Dam
It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker
What do you call an incognito deer? An anonymoose
We can all agree that everyone else has terrible taste in music.
I use head&amp;shoulders Me: I use head&amp;shoulders frequently Friend: But you dont have dandroof? Me: Exactly!
My grandmother hates it when I make spelling errors One might say she's a grandma nazi.
most ppl write it like "haha", but if i were to write my laugh phonetically it would be "boop boop boopityboopleboop" i laugh weird boopboop
I saw some snails fighting in my driveway... They were really slugging it out.
I'm leaving my job at the ship yard to be a contestant on The Apprentice. I don't know a lot about the world of business, but I'm good at making sails.
A prostitute propositions a snowman, "I can be gentle or dominant. I can be anything you want me to be." The snowman hands her $20 and says, "Be a snow blower."
while memes are a great gateway to wasting your life away online,, they're not for everyone . ask your doctor if memes are right for you
I am the Dread Pirate Roberts of poverty. Taking ever increasing doses, hoping that one day I'll become immune.
What do you call a flying bus? Bus Lightyear...
3 days ago I ate my daughters's m&m's while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate 'em She's still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.
If Hillary wins the election, emails be like... [removed]
Why are fish only happy inside? They have in-door fins
I used to play water polo But I had to stop when my horse drowned
What goes in long and hard and comes out soft and wet? A Stick of Gum...
Why do crows fly upside down over The Reservations? Cuz even they are tired of giving Indians free shit.
My Dad's last words I'll never forget the last words my dad said on 9/11 "Allahu Akbar"
What do you call a bear that will fuck anything? Bi Polar
My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a f*ck...
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she's all like, 'I'll never let go' and then she lets go.
Dog: WHAT IF I'M HERE ALONE FOREVER Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT Dog: probably eat the cat LOL Dog 911: LOL
Hi my name is, Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop.
How do you know if an introvert likes you? He looks at your shoes instead of his
What's the similarity between designer jeans and cheaply made castles? No ballroom
What did one strawberry say to the other? If you weren't so fresh last night we wouldn't be in this jam.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bunny ! Bunny who ? Bunny thing is I've forgotten now !kn
What does a moped and a fat lady have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.
So, my girlfriend is a porn star . . . . . . she is going to be SO pissed when she find out.
If I ever have a daughter I am naming her Everest. That way her boyfriends can say they Mount Everest.
Do you like yogurt? I bet I like it more than you. I'd put money on it. I'll come to your fucking house.
How do you measure how funny an electrical engineer is? You use an o-silly-scope!
What do teenage terrorists drink? Smirnoff ISIS
Wolverine and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says, "No claws, please!" They both leave.
Why did Hitler kill himself? He looked at his gas bill.
What did the Hispanic security guard drink at the airport... Tea Ese.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: Hey lady, you can't park there. Her: I'm just running into Starbucks. Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don't apply to you then.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Two muffins are sitting in a hot oven. Two muffins are sitting in a hot over. The first muffin sighs and says, "gosh, it's so hot in here." "The second muffin exclaims, "Ahh, a talking muffin!"
So I'm talkin' to a giant squid monster and I sez to him "What's kraken?" (badum chh)
What's does an angry, anti-feminist Redditor have in common with a newborn baby? The only vagina they've touched is their mothers!
Every time I clean out my fridge, I get pissed off about the stuff I forgot to eat.
What do you get when you drop a piano in a coal mine? A flat minor. Night... Don't forget to tip your waitress
On the topic of Transformers "Have you guys seen the new toys? They've changed too much! They were so much better when we were little!" "...Transformers are supposed to change"
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous ME: ok [later] ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
What is the difference between a broken down bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a rusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
So excited for the season finale of America I hope there's another season though...
There's only one kind of humor in Africa... Dry humor.
What did one cell say to his sister that stepped on his toe? Mitosis
Dang girl, I want to treat you like my big toe... ...and bang you on every piece of furniture in the house. (sorry if its been submitted before)
What do you call the secret Eskimo organization that controls the world? The Igloominati.
Most people who think I'm a nice person have no idea that I'd trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Jack in the box ...is NOT an instruction.
Person: What do you think you're going to be doing in 5 years? Me: I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision
Started a game of hide and seek with my dad 20 years ago haha he's the best where are you man
"Did you sign the nondisclosure agreement?" "To not disclose what?" "Then you DID sign the agreement! "
How does a orphan change a light bulb? They grab the stack of un-signed adoption papers, stand on top of them, then proceed to change the light bulb.
What is the worst part about being told you have Alzheimer's? It never happens just once.
Did you here the one about the midget that finally admitted he was gay? He came out of the cupboard.
Giant methane storms on Uranus Ex-post from r/science
The easiest way to appear photogenic in pictures is by not being ugly.
What town in the continental United States produces the most alligator pears per year? Avo, CA does.
What do we want? -SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS! When do we want them? -NOW! THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC
Why was Pablo Escobar always falling asleep? He was **narco**leptic.
If you've never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you're not me.
What language does a Jewish homosexual speak? Heblew
Ethnic humor . . . Q: What is the national bird of Italy? A: The fly.
What do you call a fatality that results from friendly fire in a gang war? Homiecide
Two Grandma's Are Walking Down The Street... One says to the other 'My chest is tight, and I feel heavy'. The other one replies 'That's because you're standing on your left titty.'.
What does my penis have in common with JP Morgan Chase and Bank of America? They are all too Big To Fail.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don't like being shaved while they're eating.
Oddly enough, when ducks take pictures of themselves, they make the drunk sorority girl face.
Why do geologists have children with birth defects? Because they practice relative dating!
Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary? It's a play on words.
They're calling the internet a drug now. Don't worry, though. It's not as bad as Cocaine or Heroin. They're calling it a 503 bad gateway drug.
What does a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who's half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
"Grandma why don't you drink tea anymore?" "I don't like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat."
What's the opposite of pro? Con. So what's the opposite of progress?
On behalf of all of my black followers, I'd like to remind you all to fuck the police today.
Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear? Because Chernobyl fall-out.
What do you call an attractive ghost butt that is at max poop capacity? Booootyfull
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. "I'm Bruce Willis" he says. The parrot repeats it. "yeah right" Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Yo mama is so old. Yo mama is so old that in her history class they just wrote down what they where doing.
Alphaterrorism Part of the alphabet has been destroyed in a terrorist attack. It's not yet known which letter had anything to do with the atrocity, but early reports suggest G had.
I tried phone sex today I ended up with hearing aids
Well, it's that time of year again when people come up to me with their scary face and frightening clothes with their hand held out wanting money and shit. I hate my job at the welfare office.
Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off? Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!
when you take a bunch of videos at a concert but you can hear your singing in the background
A Japanese commander invites Darth Vader to dinner He asks him " Will you be there tonight at 8 PM Lord Vader?" Vader says " I hope so commander, for your sake ".
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? They both don't work and always take your money
Must spend less time with my dogs. Haven't bitten the mailman yet but I am starting to circle three times before sitting down.
A joke you can only tell to a nerdy black guy. Your mom's so fat, scientist had to come up with a new name for her. A super massive black hole.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won't talk to me on the phone for a week.
*lays in bed for 12 hours I guess I'll get up now *walks over to couch & lays down
I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday I just felafel afterwards.
There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored? The turn signals.
"Yes, I have reservations, but I'll eat here anyway." - my dad to every hostess ever
Doctor Doctor you have to help me  out! Certainly which way did you come in?
Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? Eh nevermind, I'll just skip it.
It's easy to plan an orgy... ... the hard part is getting everyone to come.
A very tall and handsome man walks into a bar and suffers a mild concussion.
did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? he was up all night, wondering if there was a dog.
Wow, I was not expecting this to blow up ! RIP Inbox. Well, I actually was.
What do you call a gay date mixer? A meat-and-greet.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who like pastries... And those who donut.
She was only a moonshine-maker's daughter... ... but I loved her still.
A Jew, a Kurd and a Yazidi walk into a bar. It's not a bar, it's a chlorine gas chamber.
What did the constipated mathematician do? He worked his problems out with a pencil and paper.
I remember when I was a kid... ... I was only about 10 years old and my grandmother took me out for a wonderful seafood meal. I'll never forget it. A great mussell memory.
Why did the GameCube controller get off the boat? Because he got a little c-stick.
If laughter was the best medicine... Your face would cure the world!
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his ass.
This girl with a yeast infection walks into a bar She sits down to order a drink and the bartender walks over and says " what's with the sour puss? "
Did you here about that original joke? Neither did I.
Some people ask me why I never hold a grudge. I've always hated those people.
My bitch of a Grandma just made me cookies with Raisins in them.
Anybody have some good summer reads for me that...Oh wait. Nevermind. Found my phone
A priest walks into a bar.. He looks around and leaves disappointed. Everyone is over 18.
A woman walks into a bar. What makes you think she can drive any better?
Why did the chicken cross the stage? To get to the other aside!
Bernie will win the 2020 Democratic Nomination... ...because his supporters will be old enough to vote.
What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables....
A man noticed that his thermometer had come down with a nasty cold. Medicine in hand, he asked the thermometer, "How are you feeling?" The thermometer responded, "0K."
I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
One of my dad's Why do serial killers do what they do? For the Kix
I just found a six pack in my room. Case closed
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
Don't care about baseball, but I love apple pie. Can I still be an American?
When is a door not a door? When it's a plank.
sometimes I'm really not sure which KKK is the worst, the racist one, or kim, kourtney & khloe.
April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
You know what's great about Alice In Chains? She can't get away.
I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off... ...so i rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
How do you organize a party in outer space? You planet. &amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; ...I'll show myself out.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.
Conjunctivitis.com There's a site for sore eyes
A joke from the Future. *#58821*
Policeman: Why are you driving without a license? Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.
Why did the fruits take out a $30,000 loan for their wedding? Because they cantaloupe.
Hi. I'm Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls
What type of pussy does a priest get? nun
What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves? Your mom.
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? He couldn't find the droid he was looking for.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a notebook? A notebook has papers. -I'll see myself out now
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won't have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it's mad at you the whole next day.
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise
If I could have dinner with anyone dead or alive, I would choose alive.
Got run over by a limo this morning Took fucking ages
I was going to tell you a joke about an injured deer... ...but it would have been lame.
What is a Jew's favorite Mexican food? Carne Masada
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
On which day do monsters eat people?  Chewsday.
Gay people try to say they're not as permiscuous as they're made out to be, but I've had three separate gay men offer me blowjobs And I've never had that happen with a straight guy
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a NUT
I'm Hungary I'm Russian to the kitchen to czech the fridge There is turkey But it's covered in Greece There's Norway I can eat that. Edit:spelling
Dentist: ok open up "Well I guess it all started when my dad left..." Dentist: no I mean- Assistant: wait bill...let him finish
ELI5 What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about? Ooops... wrong sub.
Detective: Where were you on the night- Me: Twitter Detective: Between the hour- Me: Twitter Detective: I wasn't fini- Me: Twitter
Behavioral studies show that those who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest. That's what I've been trying to fcuking tell you!
Y'all hear the one about the clairvoyant midget that escaped from prison? The police are searching for a small medium at large.
Two muffins are sitting in a oven... One muffin says to the other, "Damn, it's hot in here". The other muffin says, "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
Dark Humour Dark humour is not everyone's cup of liquidised dead baby
What do you get when you cross a whistle with a blizzard? Edward Snowed-in
i legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I'm in NYC
What has 300 legs and 16 boobs? The breast cancer awareness 10K run
Have you heard about the sequel to the Exorcist ? In the new version, a woman hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.
What did the egg play in the movie? The egg-stra.
If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.
This Subreddit.
Apparently I watch too much internet porn.... At least that's what my ebony girlfriend says.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep? Me: I don't know. Olive ewe? Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101
You guys hear about the antique shop owner who liked to have anonymous sex with menstruating women? Nobody could tell which period his dick was from.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say "Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima," & then start swearing in Japanese.
Immigrants are like sperm. Millions get in...only one works!
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because all those men already have boyfriends.
*jk rowling wakes up* what's today's tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid... is... pansexual and... he later joined isis
The most popular guy in a fraternity will end up working at a mobile phone kiosk in a mall.
Pokemon Go is just like Caitlyn Jenner... It keeps crashing and you never look back.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo.
What's the most stupid part about telling a rude joke on Reddit? (Offensive)
Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
Have to take my son to speech therapy.. Easier done than said
What's the difference between a women's argument and a knife? The knife has a point !
Why can't sluts count to seventy? 69 is a mouthful.
Remember when only the really cool people were on Twitter? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad...
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments? Unthinkable.
Don't make fun of Kanye when he's talking to his reflection That would be two Yeezy
I was trying to write some jokes about panhandlers but they just won't work.
Where do I see myself in ten years? I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
Knock knock? Who's there? Dr Who. WHICH Dr Who?
How do you make five pounds of fat attractive? You put a nipple on it.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other... How do we drive this thing?
Different cultures like eating animals that we consider pets... For example, did you know that in Japan, they eat fish?
If at first you don't succeed... ...keep on sucking until you suck seed.
What do you call a group of well-endowed, homosexual physicists? Large hardon colliders
MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We're good here?
What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of? A Doberman puncher!
If y is dependent upon x, that means y is determined by x. So we could call y the determinant. If that's true, then we can call x Arnold... because it's de-terminator. Heh.
My reaction to jokes where the punchline is [removed] after seeing so many of them [removed]
Notice you don't hear about,"Kony" anymore? Glad everyone cared for like, five minutes.
Hey, what's a good sign that you're going insane? I'm asking for an imaginary friend.
My mate lent me $5,000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit. He stole my limelight.
"Son it's time we had the talk" "Cmon dad I know about se.." "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams" "What?" "It was an inside job"
Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana? Because he was in a wheelchair.
If my entire family died but there was pizza at the wake, a part of me would still be like "yay pizza"
Statistics are like a bikini What it reveals is suggestive, but what it conceals is essential.
Day 1 of tea instead of coffee I was ready to kill myself, but now on the fourth day, I'm ready to kill others
What's the best way to get your guitar player to turn down the volume? Give him the sheet music.
How do you know you have a high sperm count? Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
My wife accused me of being addicted to drinking brake fluid. I said I can stop any time I want.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job? Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Did you grow up on a farm? Cause I want to wear you like a feed bag!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A small joke... A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
Where do Pixar employees go for Happy Hour? CGI Friday's.
I'm scared of lifts Guess I have to take steps to avoid them
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I'm like that, but with salad.
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour ? Pupil: Because it can't sit down !
Going down on a woman is the best. The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time...
Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery? Currant Affairs
Why do cows need four legs to walk? Because they lactose. Moo
What did the squirrel say when he fell out of the tree and broke his leg? AAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
2 Smurfs stand over a body... "What happened?" "Choked on a sandwich." "Nobody helped?" "No." "Didn't they see him turning bl-" "..." "Oh."
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer.
Oscar Pistorius found guilty of murder Police say he is now on the run.
A poll showed that North Korea is the happiest nation in the world! 100% of citizens reported being happy!
I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant. But it turns out it just changes the colour of the baby
What do you call a gay man milking a cow? A Dairy Queen.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with her. She said "Speak now or forever hold your piece"
Q: When should you charge a battery? A: When you can't pay cash.
Subway...I don't know whats worse.. What Jared did or you raising your Februany $5 footlong to 6$.
I hate Nihilism ... It's meaningless!
This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis. I only had two options, either give it away... or flea
My parents are so poor.... If I dont wake up with a boner Christmas morning I'll have nothing to play with.
How many Ellen Paos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The mods do that for her.
Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
I started playing water polo the other day It was all fun and games until my horse drowned
My brakes failed the other day And I got a crash course on Newton's first law
My doctor said I have about a month left. So I stabbed him. The judge gave me ten to fifteen years. Crisis averted.
My grandfather always used to say that to really know a person, you have to walk in his shoes. He had six hundred and nine pairs when they finally caught him.
John was hard at work with the broom in his family's tent. His mother came in and said 'That's nice. Are you sweeping out the tent?' 'No' John answered. 'I'm sweeping out the dirt.'
What did the stubborn Hindu in Pakistan say after partition? Na-ama-ste
Why do pop artists hate shoe shopping? They have too many ft. *edit for spelling
Who writes ghost stories? A ghost writer.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day? Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I just swept a girl off her feet. I'm quite an aggressive janitor.
I heard that Sarah Palin is inviting everyone to watch the 2018 World Cup from her house
Why don't anarchists accept the metric system? They refuse to have liters.
You know why Irish pillow cases are so popular? They can really make a sham rock.
Unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less, Facebook Friend Request: DENIED.
QA Engineer Goes To A Bar He orders 1 beer. He orders -1 beer. He orders 644644678 beer. He orders a goat. He orders asdfg.
Columbus didn't get to India because he was dis-Oriented He found the Americas by Occident.
What do you give a sick bird ? Tweetment !
I was in a job interview. The guy said, "What's your biggest weakness?" I said, "I'm a great listener."
Wherever someone says, "Oh, geez!" I always think, "OGs," as in "Original Gangstas." Whenever someone says, "Gee whizz!" I think, "...gross."
The other day, someone called me an oxymoron. I was raging calm.
My problem is I take things too literally. Like when my wife said she'd give an arm and a leg to lose weight.
The next time someone describes me as feisty, I'm going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.
Back in high school, I had this very bad beard and everyone would make fun of for it... So I had to start using a razor to *shave* face
When you're on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines Delicious sardines
Why was Santa upset he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he wanted a screamer of a moaner.
What did the trailer park girl say when she lost her virginity Get off me dad! your crushing my smokes!
We can't really blame Donald Trump... I mean look at China; they built a wall and have almost no Mexicans.
*Santa's Google search* cheap labor cheap labor not kids magic cheap labor elf for sale bulk labor laws by country north pole group travel
Just thought of the best senior quote " " -Taylor Swift
Greeks are not impressed with an international bailout scheme Declaring it to be a Mickey Moussaka plan.
Me: You've got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm... :|
Too many men hate it when I put both of my hands on their shoulder and ask if everything is alright take this guy at the urinal for example
A gentleman goes into a doctor's office... ...and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I keep forgetting things!" The doctor responds, "When did this start?" and the gentleman replies, "When did what start?"
What's Whitney Houston's favorite car? Hyuuuuuuundaaaaaiiiieeeiiii
Personally, I don't believe in "bros before hoes" or "hoes before bros" There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis if you will.
What is a boxer's favorite meal? Break-fist
If the universe were not absurd, would it make sense? squid
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard? A pillow fight
What's the best thing about a Trmp versus Clinton election? One of them has to lose.
"I deleted that tweet because I've really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it's just not up to my current standards"
How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well I'm not just going to tell you. You need to figure it out yourself.
My wallet just went through the wash. I guess you could say I've been laundering money.
When girls ask if I'm good in bed, I tell them "Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours".
I haven't said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
What's E.T short for? Because he's got little legs. But seriously, what does ET stand for? Because he can't sit down.
Baby I wanna love you across the face with a romance shovel.
So one physicist asks another physicist So what's new? The physicists responds, C over Lambda.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says... give me a beer and a mop.
What did the male lamb say to the female lamb Nice rack
Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can't.
Did you hear about the man who died at the spaghetti factory? He's with the angel hair now.
What do you get when... what do you get when you mix a joke and a rhetorical question? a rhetorical answer
[Home Depot] "Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? "Nah, just verbally"
Curiosity killed the cat, and got your daughter pregnant.
Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won't open.
CEO: It's got wheels Inventor: It's the best we could do CEO: You had 30 yrs I: CEO: Put "may not hover" on the box and get out of my sight
Driving Wizard A wizard is driving down the highway, a man try's to merge into his lane in front of him. The wizard speeds up and yells out the window, "You shall not pass!"
Open Window Mrs: Hello, please send a MAINTENANCE personnel!! my husband will jump on the window!! Hurry up!! Administrator: Mam why maintenance? Mrs:Bec. the window did not open..
Wanna hear a bondage joke? Sorry I'm all tied up at the moment
I went out with an Asian girl once I asked for a 69, She said "Fuck off I'm not cooking egg fried rice this time of night"
My wife told me to stop listening to Wonderwall with the volume all the way up And I said MAYYYBEEEE
I hired a hitman to kill the wife. He said, I'll shoot her just below the left nipple. I replied, I want her dead, Not fucking kneecapped
How do you get in the 'Public Urination Club'? Walk up to the nearest police officer and you're in.
When Martin Cooper invened the cell phone... ... he already got 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
What's the difference between Reese and Tyrese? Reese was born Witherspoon but Tyrese stole his.
The best DVD feature is when the audio is so quiet during dialogue I have to crank the volume then in action scenes its so loud my pets die.
Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills? To prevent Hispanic attacks
Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from.
Why aren't anal sex jokes funny? Because they tend to be inside jokes.
When you lick the icing off a spoon... Are you defrosting it?
I just ran over my dog. April fools! I don't know whose dog it was.
Is Kevin Bacon popular on Reddit? "Yes" :p Or also "Yes she is" (yes cheese) Just made it up, I can't stop laughing, thought I'd share...
Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.
My sex life is like Antares rocket. - It takes huge amount of help to make it happen - It's really expensive - It ends with "It's ok honey, it can happen to anyone"
What do Iraqi men do that gets them laid on the first date? They give their women awesome Dinar.
Bruce Jenner When Bruce Jenner finally gets his va-jay-jay operation done, will the docs give him a hymen? And who's gonna be the lucky guy to pop it?
Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. I'm in it for the long hall.
How did the blond chip her tooth? With her vibrator
[2025] Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous *the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*
What do you call a thin North Korean leader? Skim Jong-Un (guess you could say he eats Skimchi)
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months
Never let your children play in an orchestra. Too much sax and violins. * Credit to maxwell bot.
i'm like a biiiird / i wanna shit on cars
I just poured my coffee with my left hand so it would feel like someone else was doing it.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won't be known as their "worst regret" when you break up.
there's no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[SPELLING BEE] JUDGE: Tim, your word is "Oak" TIM: [deep breath] Ok *BUZZER* T: What th J: So close! It's O-'A'-K T: But... J: Hard luck, kid
What's Tyrion Lannisters's favourite sea food? Shrimp.
A married couple are having sex...
At some point Princess Peach needs to look in the mirror and ask herself what she can do to prevent getting abducted so frequently
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
How do you know the high heel was invented by men? Who else invents things?
What's the most common marriage proposal? You're what!
A black, a Jew, and a gay enter a bar.. .. made you look
I'm despondent. I'm chained to the phone charger. It's so fucking landline.
Why was Mr. Strawberry sad? He was in a Jam.
How do Batman's parents call him to dinner? They don't; they're dead.
No matter how bad my head hurts, I bet Lindsay Lohan is jealous of my hangover.
Do you know the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your dad that you're gay..
I put off things I don't want to do until tomorrow because a small part of me is like "Well maybe I'll be dead by then"
70% of writing is writ
What does no one want but will always take Refugees
Why do Scarecrows Make Great Rocket Scientists? ...because they're out-standing in their field!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I'm charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!
Atheist Sam's grand-daughter Saudi Atheist Sam gets an email that his new grand-daughter is named Saudi. His first response? Jesus!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh.
why don't lions like clowns? they taste funny
What genre consists of erotic novels? Cliterature
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I'm kidding.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a Jew? Trick question- ovens don't run on light bulbs.
A boy calls 911 Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911 Operator: What's your emergency? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911 Operator: So what's the problem? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
What is long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
Why do towels get dirty? If we use towels just to dry ourselves after washing off dirt and what not. Why do they get dirty??
Saw a black guy today with a black guy. Did he get punched in the eye?
I hate toilets... They're so shitty.
I recommend all Apple users turn off the iCloud function on their devices... not only are you at risk of your nude photos leaking, but now you're at risk of getting the new U2 album too.
Bad News. Doctor: "I have some bad news for you. You REALLY have to stop masturbating." "Oh my God doc, why, WHY?" "I am trying to examine you!"
What do I know about dwarves? Very little.
A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we're in a van together.
Superman: Who's gonna be Batman? *leaves Earth*
Skirts on people can create cooling effect by flapping when in close range. They also can create heating effect by fapping.
Romeo: Your cheeks are like petals.  Juliet: Really? Romeo: Yes bicycle pedals.
Conversations get real after midnight. 11:59 pm - "I love ramen noodles" 12:01am - "I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once"
Perhaps the darkest joke of all time. What happens when the sun goes down? It gets dark.
I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool
God promised men that good obedient wives would be found in all 4 corners of the world, then he made the world round. What a funny guy
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-saur-ass
A dog was giving birth on the side of the road... She was cited with littering.
Santa went to the doctor's Santa Claus went to the doctor's with a mince pie stuck up his arse. The doctor took one look at it and said "no worries, I can give you some cream for that."
Real redneck woman. How do you know you're with a real redneck woman? She can put in a dip know what to spit and what to swallow.
You don't know... ...until you find out!
I was once kicked out of fat camp for being a little debbie downer.
I just slipped on a banana skin. I look ridiculous in it.
I remember once I threw a boomerang It never came back so I've learned to live in constant fear.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan walk into a bar... The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today. I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
I'm totally hooked on masturbation! It's a dick thing..
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help? Bro sure!
Hi, my name is Typo! It's spelled 'Tpyo'.
What if 85% of Homeless veterans are 2LTs lost on a land navigation course?
I was sitting on a bus in Thailand across from a beautiful young lady. My shorts were a little tight and I was thinking, don't get a boner, don't get a boner... But she did.
What do you call a pigeon with 4 feet? A STOOL Pigeon
Old people. Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Amish jokes Have you heard about the promiscuous Amish lady? She had two Mennonite I had the Amish flu last week. At first I got a little horse. Then I got a little buggy... but yesterday I got butter
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
If I had any self control I'd probably eat that too.
A man walks into a gym and asks the personal trainer which machine will make him most attractive to women.. The instructor points to the back of the gym " The ATM machine"
What's blue and doesn't fit anymore? A dead epileptic.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
What's the difference between my bed and my imagination? You aren't naked in my bed.
I love how insurance companies offer "accident forgiveness" like they're some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
What did the frog say to his girlfriend while she was giving him a handjob? Rubbit, Rubbit!
What's white and can't climb trees? A Refrigerator
before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war
So my pen died today... Unfortunately, it was decapitated.
NSFW What is the difference between your father and I? Nothing. We both had sex with your mom. Just kidding, the difference is that I used a condom.
When my wife left, I was sad and lonely So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol. She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.
Did you hear about the midget Scotsman who does avant garde strip tease? He's a little off kilter.
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market? HEYYY LAAADIESS
How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, change comes from within.
Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
Dinner party tip: Gluten allergies can easily be treated by not telling people they are consuming gluten.
3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
I remember when I was a virgin I thought I'd remember every single time I got laid Since I've been married though I can't remember the last time I've had sex
You know when your teacher is running ten minutes late and it feels like nobody is in charge? That's what Mexico feels like all the time.
At first, I hated my new haircut but it's grown on me.
Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.
Christopher Walken should make a Christmas album called "In a Winter Wonderland"
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
The Religious Right. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
What do you call an organized group of people waiting to get drinks? Punchline
The teacher took away the kids rubber-band gun.. Because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said "Dada!" Wait, why is he using air quotes?
The inventor of distorted mirrors has passed away. His funeral will be held in asymmetry.
"Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?" ME: No, you're still grounded "No fair!" ME: Yes, that's what I said
You know how when you're in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That's Me. I love you.
Your momma's so fat it takes two warlocks to summon her.
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
I want to start a summer program for kids with A.D.D. I call it "Concentration Camp"
How do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum? A bad magician
Husband:-"So when you starting back at the gym"? Me:-"Why"? H:-"Because you need to" His funeral takes place next week.
What's in cider? I'm in cider!
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Religion is like a penis It's perfectly acceptable to have one, but unacceptable to flaunt yours in public.
Whats the difference between a sly pig and a yeast infection? One's a cunning runt.....
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Why did Simba's father die? He couldn't Move Fasa
A blind man walks into a bar... ... and table, and a chair
I sing like an amputee. Because I can't hold a note, can't carry a tune..
I have decided to run a marathon and have taken up vaping instead of smoking You could say I am running on fumes.
What do you call a sudden breeze at The Masters? Augusta wind.
Where did Steve Jobs and Bill Gates go to get a drink? The Space Bar
Do you have a hole in your sock? Then how the hell did you get your foot in it?
You can try to annoy me with bird puns but toucan play that game.
Pros and Cons of making something to eat: Pro: Something to eat Con: Making
How does a black women know she's pregnant? When she pulls put her tampon the cotton I'd already picked
I'm taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Before listening to your opinions on current events, I'm going to first need to check your DVR recordings for reality TV dating shows.
Whats pink and smells like salmon? trout
When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don't do it in the bathtub.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a hooker with diarrhea? One you shuck between fits...
Before they built this Trader Joe's, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other's way
Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.
Ye olde insult battle Insult the person above you in ye olde english. Try to quote shakespeare if you have any quotes in your head. I'll start. Thou dissembler, thou! I fear thee not.
[baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]
A skeleton walks into a bar... and he orders a beer and a mop.
What do you call a deaf dinosaur? Anything you like - he can't hear you.
A horse walks into a bar....... Bartender: "Why the long face?"  Horse: "My alcoholism is destroying my family and my wife wants a divorce."
What's the powerful weapon in Greenland's arsenal? The Nuuklear Bomb
Fidel Castro's Favorite Pickup Line Girl, I'm no Kennedy or Khrushchev, but I can show you a Cuban Missile Crisis
CAR GPS: turn left PHONE GPS: turn right C: who was that? ME: just a friend P: just a friend? ME: wait C: make an illegal U-turn ME: babe
From a shark's perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Why do computer programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31
What does 80 year old pussy taste like? Depends
why do they call it an owl? because when you see it you turn your head 270 degrees and fly away
Give a man a fire, and he will be warm for a night Light a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I see dead people.
A little Hanukkah humour What do you call a vagina-shaped candelabra? A Labia Menorah
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire! Daughter: A telephone WHAT? Me: Wire. Daughter: That doesn't make sense.
Whats a Himalayan's favourite body part? a Nepal.....
What's the point in getting a Master's degree if you can't even own any slaves?
Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.
What is loud and sounds like "apple"? (scream) APPLE!!!
[ first date ] Me. Do you take drugs? Him. I never touch them. Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
What did the shirt say to the pants zipper? Your so fly man
Why did the male spider spin a web? So he could catch all the fly ladies.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A man walks into a bar... Just kidding, he is actually sitting at home.
What did Cinderalla do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
What did the Italian say when 6 curses were removed from him? Hexagon.
I was watching a fight the other day... ...and a hockey game broke out.
"Who am I kidding?" - blind comedians
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I'm gonna have you take a typing test. LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
A man sneezes on the subway who clearly has a cold. The man next to him says in a disgusted tone, "people like you make me sick."
What's red and loud? A skinned baby in a bag of salt.
R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" should automatically play every time anyone takes the first bite into a microwaveable burrito.
5 birds are on a fence, you shoot one, how many are left. None they all flew away.
I put the D in Fucking because I know that's what you really want. -autocorrect
[somebody steals my car] it's only metal. the important thing is no one was hurt [somebody steals my tweet] MAY VULTURES FEAST ON YOUR EYES
My wife wants to meet new people &amp; have fun, so she made me join a Bridge Club.... ...I jump off next Tuesday
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
This will make you groan.. I like to travel a lot, and last year I flew and visited Hiroshima, Japan. It was fairly cold that day so it wasn't the best day, but it wasn't the worst....
IPHONES... When I wants to talks to someones.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped. ;)
God said, "If you come forth, you shall win eternal life." But Frank came fifth and won a toaster.
I was touched by Jesus today Oh wait that's a Duggar
What is the difference between a female blond and a female mosquito? A female mosquito can raise a family when she is done sucking.
Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.
Why did the blonde tip-toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
I like to yell "Aloha, Captain Future!" when I see someone using an iPad in public.
My friend said to me, what rhymes with orange I said no, it certainly does not
If you think "Terminator: Genisys" is going to be bloody... ... just wait until you see "Terminator: Leviticys."
What is a cat's favorite breakfast? Mice crispies.
Sleeping guy on the bus has a laughably obvious boner. And now he's waking up. And now he's tweeting about it.
why did abe lincoln get released from prison? because he's in a cent
Peter Dinklage is a Star! He is a White Dwarf.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? *Nein*
What if Voldemort's last horcrux was his virginity? Then Harry Potter would have to destroy it ofcourse.
Q: How do you milk sheep? .... .... .... A: With iPhone accessories.
A man goes to a doctors office Patient: I have been having a lot of pain in my ear Female doctor: Sir, I think you have an ear infection. Patient: But u havn't even looked at my penis
Pressing A too fast and having to talk to the Pokemon Center's nurse again was by far the worst part of my childhood.
Giraffe walks into a bar and says... The hi-balls are on me.
A Roman walks into a Bar. He holds up 2 Fingers and says "Five Beers Please."
A member of Isis is having a bad day... It's having a crisis
There's no such thing as the funny bone... But I heard the upper arm is quite humerus.
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? The first is a super hero, the second is a simple command.
I just walked across my cat's keyboard while he was filing his tax return.
A toothless beaver walks into a pub and asks... ...is the bar tender here?
I sat next to a hot girl on bus and thought: Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection. ... ... But she did. :&lt;
I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Writing a good joke is an art form and some of you need to stick to coloring books.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't remember where I live.
I don't know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[2018] ALIEN: take me to ur leader ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump* ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where's ur real leader
They should make a movie where a guy takes someone's Ph.D. thesis, edits it one paragraph at a time and turns it into a completely new thesis. It should be called Ship of Thesis.
What gun would Jesus outlaw first? A nail gun
Help! I have food stuck in my throat! Haha, just choking!
What's balck on the bottom and white on the top? Society
DAD: Sorry it's not a pony, honey. Best I could do LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[public restroom] Me: We'll have to go some place else, it says "unavailable" Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you
How do you make a hormone? ... Don't pay her.
Donated blood today. One lucky person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to read 3000 tweets per hour.
If I ever start a team, I'm going to name it "Each Other Off"...That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they "beat each other off last night"!!!
Womens Rights
What's a cops favorite TV show? Justified
Why was Ed single? Because Sheeran away.
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.
What's the difference between Pussy and Parsley? Nobody eats Parsley. (said at Christmas dinner by my 100 year old great Aunt)
I always like to have snacks while I surf porn. That way, I'm packing on the poundage while I'm pounding on the package.
I broke up with my girlfriend over religious beliefs She didn't believe I was god. (Credit: Artie Lange)
Knock, Knock Whose there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget.
I was thrown out of the hospital for improper conduct with children Apparently dressing up like the grim reaper and pointing at anti-vaxxer's kids isn't okay.
If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping
What goes 30 miles per hour and smells like curry? Usain Balti
A porn star comes running up to a laundromat just as it's closing, offering to trade sex so she can wash her clothes. [nsfw] She just wanted to get one more load in.
What do Apple and Rose have in common? They both lost jack.
I was going to write a joke... but I'm not that funny.
What's the best class in school if you want to be a doctor? Weight training, it gives you the most patients.
Everybody has their own circle of friends. Yet the police still want to refer to mine as a ring'.
Never leave Sulfuric Acid in a metal beaker That's an oxidant waiting to happen.
A termite walks into a bar... And asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Q: I'm hungry. A: Nice to meet you, Hungry!
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Doctor, I don't know what to do. My wife thinks she's a piano." Doctor says "Well, bring her in." "Are you *nuts*? Do you know what it costs to move a piano?"
Tornado warnings outside. Good thing I got drunk enough to fight a tornado or else we'd be screwed.
A grasshopper walks into a bar The bartender immediately says, "Hey! We got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks at him quizzically and says, "You've got a drink named Leonard?"
What's the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with boobs? One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he's wearing TOMS and you can't stop laughing.
Neon bumped into helium. There was no reaction.
What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!
"Premature ejaculation man I NEED HELP!!" I'M COMING!
DONT SIT IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR EXAMINING YOUR FLAWS. QUIT IT. THEY ARENT REALLY THERE. ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD. BE CONFIDENT IN WHO YOU ARE!!!
Why do you go to a black mans garage sale? So you can get all your stuff back.
Why do raindrops like lightning at night?  -So they can see where they are going
Best Fortune cookie ever: "Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application."
Man in a pasture face down A man lays face down in the pasture with a backpack on his back and flies buzzing around him. Question: Whats in his backpack? Answer: Parachute
Oscar Pistorius was released from jail into his uncles custody I heard his uncles shitting himself, safer than using the toilet
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Two musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...
Don't worry honey, they call it my dual-channel RAM.
David Bowie died at 69, Alan Rickman died at 69... ... Donald Trump is 69. We are all crossing our fingers.
When's sex not work? When it's for play.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient Hide her markers And wait...
What soft drink did Hitler ban during WWII? Mountain Jew.
The Earth and the Moon get in an argument The Moon tried to be the bigger body and walk away, but the Earth grabbed it and said "I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. "
What happened to when the coke bottle was ran over by the steam roller? He was soda pressed.
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids... Apparently she left me two days ago.
I'm also not racist/ I think everyone should own a black person.
"GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL" "Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse" "Oh rad bring it in"
What's the difference between feminism and Islam? One is demonized by the actions and beliefs of a small minority. The other believes in the wage gap myth.
I learned that 17th century French royalty depleted their treasury... I guess you could say they were baroque.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Doesn't matter kek
I got the most classic, timeless Christmas present this year A broken watch
I asked a chinese girl for her number... She replied "sex! sex! sex!...Freeee sex tonight!" I said "wow", then her friend said "She means 6663629"
What did Kellyanne Conway say about the leaked e-mails? They're just alternate fax.
Difference between jam and jelly You can't jelly your cock in a girls ass
I spent the past 2 years looking for my girlfriend's killer But no one will do it
The only word in the English language that is always pronounced wrong is........... Wrong
A black guy walks into a bar. And he found himself with a headache as he couldn't read the CONSTRUCTION sign
Why can't a blonde count to 70? Because 69 is a mouthful.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
LPT: If your phone gets wet, leave it in some rice to fix it. The rice will attract Asians who come and fix your phone. You're welcome.
First rule of I'd Hit That Club is: don't say "I'd hit that." in front of your wife.
What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood? Logger-rhythms.
What's the worst news for a NASCAR driver before a race? "The track is alright."
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My horse had a win at the races today. Fuck knows how he filled in the betting slip.
A political joke for Americans I'm voting for hillary
I was in bed with a woman and she said, I want tonight to be magical And it was. After we had sex, I disappeared.
My friend claims that he is a really good boxer. He doesn't strike me as one.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.
What's the best thing about having insomnia? Only one nights sleep til Christmas!
George, are you high? No mom. The smell is incense, my eyes are red from browsing reddit for hours, and I'm just keeping that unicorn here until Tim comes back from Florida.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
(Interview) Says here on your resume that you're unpredictable. (I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman) "That's a rumor".
I like to play chess in the park with bald men... ...Although sometimes it's hard to find 32 of them.
Somebody told me I'm horrible with names.
You shouldn't commit any crimes after you marry someone. Why? Because you have a mother in law.
Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?
One of the funniest jokes on reddit. /r/atheism
"Ninja please" -Japanese people
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother's room. I can't believe it... she's a superhero!
[at Goodwill store] *buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If you ever get really mad. All you have to do is think about a T-Rex trying to pick up a basketball.
Why were the Indians the first ones here? Because they had reservations.
How much coke DID Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
[text] 11:56 pm Her: whatcha doin? Me: taking a shit 12:03 am Her: whatcha doin now? Me: same shit different day
I often break into song The keys are so well hidden
What was Jamie Bulger's favourite Bob Dylan album? 'Blood on the Tracks'.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Not much. It just gave a little whine.
What happened when the composer got angry? He flew off the Handel
If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems and a bitch is all of them I feel you
"Don't let your inner child die!" could be a slogan for an anti abortion campaign.
I'm teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.
A doctor in a mental hospital was caught having sex with a female patient. He was Fucking Crazy!
Why does the Pope shower with his briefs on? He doesn't like to look down on the unemployed.
Someone called me lazy today, I almost replied
I forgot to wear my Halloween costume to work. I was gonna go as the Invisible Deaf Mute Man.
I'm not a "stalker". I want to make sure you're okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
After finishing my pint really quickly, the barman told me to calm down. I said, "You're telling me? You just drunk my pint!"
What's Paul Walker's favorite drink? Fireball
God loves me but I'm not looking for anything serious.
How do Reavers clean their harpoons? They put them through the Wash.
What happens after an alligator commits a crime? You call an investigator
In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
What does Andre 3000's menorah look like on the last day of Hanukkah? ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT ALIGHT
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
France is a shitty country... Even the Nice parts are rundown.
"I love the fall!" - girls who are happy they don't have to suck in their stomach in pictures anymore
How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch? The big hand's touching the little hand.
If at first you don't succeed, you're assembling furniture from IKEA.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
In the future, Martian singers will have to drop their albums 62% earlier in order to account for reduced gravity on Mars.
Some people are like clouds... ... Once they fuck off its a nice day.
If your status update contains the words, "I know 99% of you won't repost this," there is a 99% chance you're an idiot.
How does a Korean walk a dog? With a little bit of oil.
What do you call a black guy at college? A miracle. Edit: I've hidden this post as I realized it was stupid and too offensive. I'm sorry, it was overly racist.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I'm just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.
In what month are Rabbis dishonest? Jew-lie
New camper: I thought you said this camp has no mosquitoes. Old camper: That's right. These mosquitoes come from the camp down the road!
My wife and I are hosting a get together tonight that ends at 11:30.. We're calling it a before New Year's leave party.
What does a five year old and a penis have in common? If it doesn't come when you tell it to, then just beat it harder. (I am so sorry)
Top Five Accountant Taboos: 5. Unreconciled difference 4. Doesn't foot & crossfoot 3. No journal entry support 2. Cooking the books 1. Sex
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you're reacting.
What do you call a man with just a nose? No body nose man. Hue, hue, hue.
Where does the Persian air force keep its aircraft? The Carpet store
What do you call a koala that drives? A koalafied driver! *badum-tis*
Should I have a baby after 25? No, 25 is enough
I'm in a pickle and I don't know how to dill with it
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson? A gap in coverage.
Meanwhile, at School: Teacher- "How much is a gram?" Laure- "Depends on what you want" Teacher- "Out, just get out" #YouOwnedHimDude
Where does a burger go on vacation? The Swiss (cheese) Alps or The Cheeseapeake Valley!
What is a wok? Something you throw at wabbits when you haven't got your wifle.
By Putting the Punchline in the Title How do you screw up a joke?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
"I have a coupon for a large 2 topping" "What toppings?" "Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza" "Sir you can't top a pizza with a smaller pizza"
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years to life.
Chuck Norris was orginally casted as the main character for salt but then they changed it to Angelia Jolie, look at her face now.
Sign seen in restroom Most people come here to take a shit. I come here to leave one.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Which of these is out of place in this list? Wife, Blowjob, Meat, Eggs. Well you can beat your meat, beat your wife, and beat your eggs, but you can't beat a blowjob!
Why did the Muslim man let the air out of his sex doll? So he could blow it up again.
Why did the French Hen give up her job? One day she'd just had un uf.
I was going to tell a gay joke Butt fuck it! Not saying it's original but still funny
how sodomy started........ a good friend &amp; an itchy butthole.
alladin: do u trust me jasmine: i've only known you for 2 hours a: so u don't wanna jump off this rooftop j: lemme ask my tiger first
I saw a woman suffering cardiac arrest earlier... She asked for me to call her an ambulance. I did, but I think she should've asked for help instead.
I don't see why everyone is up in arms about Oscar Pistorius.... Haven't we all woken up legless and fired a few into the missus?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees? Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Just saw a homeless guy yelling at his shadow. You know what that means right? SIX MORE WEEKS OF RECESSION!
Apparently, if you Google "boss" and "chloroform" from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.
Sorry Satan, but I'm selling my soul to Buddah. You gotta be fucking stupid to pass up on a tasty offer like "free Chinese food for life."
sex while camping? Now that's fucking in tents.
Any funny student council election catchphrases for posters? I made jokes for last years sophomore election but can not think of any for this year. Any help redditors?
Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
What do you call a hotel special that lets policemen stay for two nights for the price of one? CuNO3!
What is Peter Pan on death row? A frying Pan
Why can't ghosts have babies? They have hollow weenies!
Every girl on Tumblr smells like Chapstick and cats.
What did King Midas say to the centaur? Stay gold, Ponyboy.
what the hell does my dog have to sigh about
I tried to write with my broken pencil today it was pointless
A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg... I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man. That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!
A double entendre walks into a bar...
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
ELI5: What does ELI5 mean?
So Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?
I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.
Chuck Norris, the actor, film producer and screenwriter died in his house today at 76 years of age He is now feeling much better and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you're telling my mom we're going out.
So I was out for a walk with my Grandpa... My grandpa had altzhiemer's disease, and we were going for a little walk when all of the sudden....... (Classic comedy)
What was the middle aged man charged with when he was found fondling a calf? Sexual Moolestion
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
If a gay guy jumps on your back... do you leave him there, or do you beat him off?
What would you do if you were Justin Bieber for a day... ...i would send all the money in his bank account to me, obviously. How about you guys?
I've had it and I can't take it anymore ...ever since I developed that penicillin allergy.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Utah? Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
After getting off the ski lift, my mate said "Let's go hit the slopes!" I'm like, "Why do you want to beat up those Japanese tourists?"
What do you call a disabled cub scout? A nub scout.
I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO
Turn off autocorrect? Challinje aceptid.
How do you get 30 drunk Americans out of the pool? "Allahu Akhbarrrr"
Answer: Marijuana Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?
[Hardware store] ME: I'll take one of those giant forks. WORKER: That's a rake. ME: I'm gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I went to a nightclub the other evening and saw a topless ventriloquist. She was really good. I never saw her lips move.
Why do Hummingbirds hum Because they forgot the words!
'Two can play that game...' -people who dont understand that's how games usually work
If Trump wins tonight... He'll be the first person to go from P.O.S. to P.O.T.U.S.
I don't get why the people in the twin towers were upset on 9/11... I mean, the workers did get razes.
What do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub? Throw your laundry in with them.
What have Margret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville got in common?(NSFW) They both fucked miners(minors) in the 1980s
I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in three's? The sign says "no trespassing."
The cannabis industry... It's a growing market.
Only Two Things Can Change A Women's Mood 1.I Love You. 2.50% Discount
I'm Phoenician, as in, "Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts."
My wife is a lot like a facebook post... Lots of people like her, she gets lots of comments, she has been shared by thousands of people, and she may be viral.
What has 12 breasts and 24 teeth? The night shift at Waffle House.
I'm excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled.
I was going to tell a story about a Black Hole.... But it sucks.
In case you haven't checked Facebook, It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Bring your nsfw jokes. You down? Anything that makes parents cry when their kids say it.
Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can't read Bella's mind is because there's nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.
A robber comes up to a man in a suit and threatens him... -Give me YOUR money! -But, I'm a ... politician. -Okay then,give me MY money!
What's an Alzheimer patient's favorite horror movie? The Blair...Which project? [Made my roomie laugh at least]
What do you call a blonde at a golf course.. ..the 19th hole
If Trump becomes president... there'll be hell toupee
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy, scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is delicious dipped in batter and deep-fried. *-Hannibal Lecter*
Why do Mobius strips make such bad politicians? They can be rather one-sided.
I'm not a god. I'm a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way. There's a difference.
911: Your emergency? -Karen asked me a question. 911: Not an emergency. -She asked if I could be more pacific. 911: Cars are on their way.
Bigamy is having too many wives But so is monogamy.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I like my women like I like my coffee Hot and all over my pants.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants ? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
What's a snakes favourite dance ? Snake rattle & roll !
Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else's.
"One Two Three Four Five Six... KEVIN!!!" - how I would introduce myself 100% of the time if my parents had blessed me with the name Kevin
DATE: This place is so fancy ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before? DATE: Well, only when we didn't have a condom
Hey Baby are you Rockefeller? Because I think we should Horizontally Integrate.
How much liquor does it take before you start telling racist jokes? For me, it's about three fifths.
OMG! THERE'S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! "OMG." Wtf are you doing?! "HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!"
How do you confuse an AP student? Make the first 21 questions all be the answer C.
I've snapped a bunch of necks Being a necklace photographer isn't too bad
How does a young man make an old woman feel young again? Elixir
Wanna know what makes me smile? Face muscles
I've never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I USED MY WIFE'S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN'T STOP YELLING!
Only is Adam and Eve were Chinese they would've probably ate the snake instead of the forbidden fruit.
How does Kylo Ren spend Father's Day? Solo.
What is the most popular bar in the Middle East Aloha Snackbar
The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie. Whoever wins, we lose.
Q. What does a blonde see when she looks into a  box of cheerios? A. Donut seeds.
What is a jew on a swing? A annoyance to German snipers.
I called a suicide prevention line. It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.
So I've Been Making this Joke About Alkaline Metals Recently... I'ts been getting a lot of good reactions!
What would you hear at a cow concert?  Moo-sic!
What do you call a communist sniper Marxman
What do you call it when one lesbian "Cock Blocks" andother lesbian? Beaver Dam
I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom... The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg
Kylo Ren/Ben Solo got a head start with completing his comic book collection he's already got all the daddy issues
Marriage Proposal In ancient Greece, throwing an apple at a woman was considered a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. This tradition still continues - throw an apple (iPhone5) and she will say YES!
When I said I got a little action last night, I was referring to bed bugs.
Did you hear about the little guy compelled to clap in time whenever he was on the Paris underground? He was a Metro gnome.
Your mums so fat, when she performs oral sex... ...people shout "THAR SHE BLOWS!"
I just finished reading a book about preventing skin injuries and burns... The author classified the book as "non-friction"
Your dating profile said you were a night owl.....eat this mouse.
Why did the math student fail his exam? He needed to sketch the sine and cuisine graphs but only knew how to do cos(-x)
So my spreadsheet program hasn't been working for 40 days... ...it was excellent.
I hate when I sit on the toilet and my legs fall asleep ..because then they can't sleep when I go to bed
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero? 3. 2 to die and 1 to never get over it. Heard while playing Arkham Knight
True false tests Why did the school principal forbid the use of true/false tests? It was part of the school's anti Boolean campaign.
Just got back in the USA, I heard something about a party here? I don't know, there's a song about it and everything.
Hey girl, I'm an Aries... Wanna get rammed?
LAWYER JOKE whats the difference between a lawyer and a liar? liars sometimes unknowingly speak the truth
Not a joke; what your favourite one-liner/wordplay joke?
I don't know why everyone looks so stressed. I tweet and drive all the time. Oh...must be the beer.
This one time I swallowed a piece of string. When it came out it was all tied up. I shit you knot.
One of my many niche-market jokes They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why haven't beekeepers monopolized the fashion industry?
I'm getting mighty fed up with these sheep-human hybrids! What is with ewe people!?
I was rescued after being exposed to the elements... I couldn't feel my fingers or toes, so I got the doctor to tell it to me straight. His reply: "Once they go black, they never grow back."
These days you can't even say ''black paint'' anymore You have to politely ask, "Tyrone, will you please paint the wall?"
Everything Must Go? You should have had that attitude before going out of business.
"Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!" The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
French prostitutes in Pakistan come from La'whore Me to friend: What would you like, breast or legs? Friend to me: pussy, pussy and only pussy Me to friend: We are at KFC, not in a whorehouse
What were Nazi turkeys forced to do each Thanksgiving? Goebel Goebbels.
Why aren't there many dead baby jokes anymore? They don't age well.
EMOTICON GUIDE :) I'm happy ;) Having a seizure. Still happy :/ Having a stroke. Not happy :( I'm a grouper .) Lost an eye. Still happy
I've never been a fan of phone sex... ... mostly because they're made out of really hard plastic.
How did the Allies have time to prepare D-Day? Because Russia was Stalin
Here's what I'd like for my birthday: Everyone in the world, chewing with their mouths closed for the remainder of my life.
Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you're just left with onion. pretty crazy huh Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*
What's the difference between a 12 year old grill and a 12 year old girl? The grill doesn't cry when you use it to satisfy your meaty desires.
A man enters a party and says "Is anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff raised his hand and said "Yes." Geoff raised his hand and said "Yeos."
Worst Betrayals in History: - Judas turning on Jesus - Brutus helping to murder Caesar - Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A mechanic.
Donald Trump.
Want a couple of pointers in life? 0x8130 and 0x8134
Chemistry Joke Potassium and Oxygen went on a date. It was OK.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist. Which is too bad. Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Did I ever tell you about how I escaped from Iraq? Iran
Which video game would Adolf Hitler play? Mein Kraft
Me: "Can I buy you a drink?" Her: "I have a boyfriend." Me to barman: "A beer for me and a 'I have a boyfriend' for the lady."
Why couldn't the hippie reach his tie dyed T-shirt? Because it was Far Out!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Does your brother keep himself clean? Oh yes. He takes a bath every month whether he needs one or not.
Q: What's a cat's favorite food? - A:  Petatoes!
Q: What time would it be if five elephants were chasing you? A: Five after one.
Hipsters liked the other side of the pillow before it was cool.
endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1
Why did the chicken cross the road... Because he wanted to say hello from the other side
There are 10 types of people Those who understand binary and those who don't
If a cop is at the door when I answer, I yell into the house "Anyone order a stripper?" then say "Sorry, wrong house" & slam the door shut.
So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?" "Africa!", says the parrot.
my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he'd stop wasting the coke. it's like goddamn amateur hour with him.
What is a Mexican bodybuilder's favorite supplement? Guey protein.
My new app is called Tech Bubble. It makes all the other app icons on your phone float around like bubbles. Current valuation: $3 trillion.
I invented a realistic sex simulator. It doesn't work on me because realistically nobody wants to have sex with me.
Reddit is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.
ELI101: How do people not get binary?
What kind of girl gets away with being five years old and having sex with 20 guys? A woman born on February 29th 1996.
Does the Easter Bunny like baseball? Oh yes. He's a rabbit fan!
Surprise your coworkers by hiding in the utility closet until you're dead.
How are whores and movies alike? You pay up front for both and even if it's bad, you don't get a refund for either.
32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed. I don't have kids, did I do that right?
Germany vows revenge after Brazil's goal yesterday This must not go unpunished
What's the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
What do you call an alligator who's wearing a vest? An investigator.
You know your getting old when you drop something on the floor and instead picking it right back up, you just stare at it for a min or two...
Need special medicine for our son's kidneys but we can't afford it because we bought printer ink last week :(
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn't that funny anyway.
"Please. I need this" I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.
Did you hear about Hellen Keller's tree house? Neither did she.
Our credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it .... The thief is spending less than my wife did.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do. Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I could never become a vetanarian. That job takes balls!
How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.
What is Son Goku's least liked food? Vegetta balls
What's hard and hairy and sticks out of your pajamas at night? Your head.
Boss: why do you deserve this promotion? Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant B: what drugs are you on? Me: good ones *leaves*
Where was Soloman's temple located? On the side of his head.
Why did the cab driver get a divorce? Because he had a fare.
What's the safest font? Helmetica.
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last as long if you're fat.
statistics show that 9 out of 10 men prefer women with big boobs. the statistics also show that the 10th man prefers the other 9
What do you call white grand parents? Graham-crackers... "wokka wokka"
PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6
I feel like I just won the lotto! Because I just paid the IRS a shit ton of tax.
Why did Johnny Bravo go to the pet store? To pick up some chicks.
I'd really, really love to adopt a kid some day. Abort* Sorry, I hate auto correct.
Mgmt: What makes you qualified for this job? Me: Because i work for less and good at licking. Mgmt: You're hired.
I'm now on year 3 of the '7 day ab challenge'
It's important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, "Mr. Mean Old Man" and his wife, "Screamy".
Ah you love me that's great. Now I'll do a bunch of terrible shit because I need to be sure you love me no matter what
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding: 1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit 2. Say you're welcome 3. Shake head 4. Mutter "unbelievable"
TIL that Geneva has the biggest meeting place for Homosexual scientists in the world. It's called the "Large Hardon Collider"
I got stopped by a woman in the street today. She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."
Why was the skeleton alone at prom? Because he had no body to go with!
So Obama's leaving, and Trump is going into office I orange really is the new black.
Knock Knock Knock knock Who's there? Daisy Daisy who? DAISY ME ROLLING, THEY HATING
What do you call a man with a fetish for US currency who works on a dairy farm? A quarter-pounder with cheese.
My grief counselor died last week. Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit.
How Long is a Chinese name. No, really, it is!
Harry wasn't chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.
I really hope to die as peacefully as my grandfather did. Nothing like his passengers, though. They must have been losing their minds before the plane hit the trees.
I left my wife for a bin man.... .... But he wouldn't take her
How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Feminists can't change anything.
What's the difference between an elephant and a police car? On the elephant, the trunk is in the front and the asshole is in the rear. Cop here, so everyone laugh it up!
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
Went to a talk at the pencil factory they made a series of excellent points
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Sometimes a canoe tips!
BLONDE ON BLONDE Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.
There's a disease going around called these hands. You about to catch it.
Did you get those pants on sale? Guy: Hey girl did you get those pants on sale? Girl: No why. Do they look bad? Guy: No cause they'd be 100% off at my place.
"Sexting" is the sending of sexually explicit text and picture messages. It is not, apparently, an appropriate way to submit a resume.
What's the difference between a sperm and a Young Republican / Young Conservative A sperm has at least a 1 in 100 million chance of becoming a human being
"A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a  pint of Adenosinetriphosphate. The barman says "That'll be 80p [ATP]!"
So I have a pretty good fathers day joke Can't wait to tell my dad when he finally brings the milk home
What did the dog say after it slid across some sandpaper? Ruff.
A parachutist died I didn't know him but his friend said he was a real ' down to earth' guy
I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora. Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.
Hey teacher, i made a clock! "Did you say Allahu Akbar?"
What if a side effect to laxatives was death? That'd be a shitty way to die.
Where did Little Johnny go when the bombs dropped? Everywhere.
Why did the dog go into the church? The doors were open.
Why don't old people have sex? Have you ever tried peeling a grilled cheese apart?
If you touch your computer in all the right places... You can turn it on
People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John" I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? Because they have a common enemy
Doctor Am I pregnant? A lady goes to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant Doc: Hmm, Looks like your Preganant... Girl: Am I? Doc: No it just looks like you are
Why was the communist arrested? He was caught red handed.
If I'm on a date and can't think of anything to say I just make it look like I'm busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye... use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler
Last night I dreamed the oceans were made of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
An egg and a chicken are lying in bed, the egg's enjoying a nice, post-coital smoke... Chicken looks over and says "Well, that answers that question. "
Down with the metric system No more foreign rulers!
[*Wakes up on sofa] "Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?" Wife [from bedroom]: "YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."
Why did god make pussy look like a taco? So we can eat it...
Programming Job I wanted to give you some C++ pointers but I wanted to make sure you got this reference.
What did the SJW say to the person who had just been blackmailed? At least you didn't get white maled.
What you call a crocodile covered with tortillas? A tacodile
My wife asked me to go out and get something that makes her look pretty. So I went out and got drunk.
Why is it difficult to break up with a Japanese girlfriend? Because you have to drop the bomb twice for her to get the message.
Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich? Because the whole state is inbred
Are you all right? No.. You are all left Ahah is joke
Simba was moving slow So I told him to mufasa.
I bumped into the inventor of the selfie today His face was a picture
A funny thing I like to do is yell 'God, not your WHOLE hand' when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When she says she is "new to NetFlix and Chill". ~ and her bed has surround sound...
Girlfriend and I are visiting San Fran to finally see the Golden Gate in person. "What are we going to do when we see it?" she asks. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."
Did you hear the one about three Scotsmen who walk out of a bar? It could happen..
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble Mahoney. I think it must be drink. " "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley I'll come back when you're sober."
We all have that one friend that looks Chinese but isn't.
Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter? Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.
Why didn't Hitler talk to Jews? He had Auschwitzim
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.
How is a judge like an English  teacher? They both hand out long sentences.
Sadly, the man who invented the raffle has passed away. R.I.P Tom Bola
I still occasionally fap over my ex Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
A sheep, Don Trump and a snake all fall off a ledge Baa Dumb Tiss!
What do watermelons and Khloe Kardashian's vagina have in common? They're both pink in the middle and full of black seeds
Why couldn't Handel play his harpsichord? Because it was baroquen.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn't feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.
I took the shell off my racing snail... ... thinking it would make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish.
What do you call a Nebraskan who hates Obama? A CORNservative.
My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today... but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
[trying to get a massage] How much for a happy ending? "Sir, this is a library!" *whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Teacher: Why are you late? Boy: My fish died. Teacher: What fish? Boy: You don't know him he goes to different school.
Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake?  Because he always slobbers out the candles!
I wish I was a Farmer So I could be outstanding in my field.
Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Q: What do you call a blind German? A: A Not See (Nazi)
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
Chinese Joke Got my blood results today turns out my blood type is A negative. My dad is going to kill me
A joke I thought of back in the 5th grade. Why did the robber go !POP!... Because he was busted. EDIT: a little corney, but hey who gives a flying fuckaroo.
My wife is a vegan. I'm not. I don't care if she makes more money than me. I can still say that I'm the one who brings home the bacon.
Strong people don't put others down: They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection - except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
"Quinoa" sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[thinks about me petting a very cool dog] me: oh hell yea
Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died? He pasta way.
Why did the rap battle champion get the most spacious and accessible seat on the bus? Because of his dis-ability.
I bought a great book today: The History of Krazy Glue I can't put it down
Girl, do you work at Arby's? Because you've got a roast beef pussy.
How many white cops does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, as he'll just beat the room for being black.
I find that women in nightclubs are like toilets in nightclubs They're either engaged or vacant and some of them are disabled
What do you call four rats on a mathematical equation? A quadratic equation :)
I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added "Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer" In my prayers
I BELIEVE A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE KITCHEN 20% of the time.
What's a a magician's favorite kind of coffee? 100% abracadabra
A British man and a Chinese man were arguing One of them is Wright and the other is Wong.
How do you count cows? With a cowculator
How do you make a baby float? 2 scoops ice cream 1 scoop dead baby
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I'm a snake now and I typed this with my head.
pulled over drunk driving office: please recite the alphabet from z to a me: z y u a k m e
"W.A.D."  a simple mnemonic device for remembering the steps in folding a fitted sheet  stands for: 1. Wad it up; 2. And; 3. Done
A Polish guy bought a toilet brush.. three days later he went back to paper..
Why did Al Gore go to the dentist for a tooth pulling? He had an Inconvenient Tooth.
Sexy subjunctives... ... give you would.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of 'hey you' every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn't let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
What's Michelle Obama's favorite place on reddit? /r/jokes cause it's all about recycling!
If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me... And then plug me back in. See if that works.
What Central American country has the most spooks? Ghosta Rica!
What do you call a group of Ocelot? An Awful-lot.
What's the worst thing about being drunk? Ask a glass of water.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin's wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I learned an interesting fact about the Titanic today The swimming pools on it are still full of water.
What is the Cuban national anthem?  ''Row Your Boat!''
Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?  A: A new bar
Why did the guitarist get arrested? He was arrested for fingering a minor
Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street? Resident: No it's 66 but we turn it upside down to confuse  people.
What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
A blind man walks into a bar. Then a chair. Then a table.
It's amazing, when a dog licks its own arse it's perfectly normal. But when I do it... I get arrested for bestiality.
0 Two muffins baking in the oven. One says "Bloody hell! It's hot in here." The other spins around..... "AAAHHHHHH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!! GET ME OUT!!!!"
I was addicted to porn... ...but then I beat it.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Fact that will blow your mind away. Did you know that Oprah Winfrey contains enough air that it can be used to inhabit life on Mars by creating an atmosphere.
Wanna hear a joke about eye fluid? It's vitreous humor.
So I've been dating this anorexic girl... ...but lately I've been seeing less and less of her.
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - new york's most hated cab driver
What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house? Mortgage Freeman
LIFE is just a game of Monopoly and RISK.
What do you call a Satanist dancer? A ba'al-erina.
I used to work as a bed salesman One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.
Push up bras A push-up bra is like a bag of chips. You open it up and its half empty.
Duck Sausage Would you call Cajun sausage made from animated young ducks Huey Louie Andouille?
It's interesting how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.
Why do pirates like girls with small tits? Because they always search for sunken chests
Dad: Where were you? Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral Dad: You grounded
Putin's message to tourists: Visit Istanbul While he still exists...
What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can't beat a wank!
Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn't mean only zeros.
Two guys walk into a bar... You figure the second one would have ducked
Classic one How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
"My friends on Facebook are idiots." So, what you're saying is that you're smart, but not smart enough to not friend idiots. Got it.
Everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs...I'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame, just to make their lives a living hell
What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.
"none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?" I promise [later] *stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
sex and air Q.why is sex a lot like air A.because it's a big deal unless your not getting any
Why did the inventor of panadol think I had no parents? I said I'm an orphan.
Crappiest Town In The UK I am not British because I was born in Slough :( :l :)
If you're having second thoughts... You're two ahead of most people.
How can you tell when a bar is haunted? It's full of Boo's and Spirits.
I saw a Buzzfeed article about the top 10 ways to execute someone. Number 3 will shock you.
Hey now, you're a rock star, get your game on, Go plaaaay Hey now, you're potato, get your tate on, Po taaaate
why cant Ray Charles see his friends?? Because he's married.
CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign. Apparently, the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth.
A hipster's favorite frequency is 50,000 Hz You've probably never heard it
There should be a massage parlor where when you ask for a "happy ending" your dad walks out and says that he's proud of you.
Boss: Why aren't you working? Me: I didn't see you coming!
How do you censor real life hentai? Pubes
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
"I'm tired." - Beat Cop
If Han Solo were Mexican... We'd have Juan Solo
Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.
I went to the zoo today, but it only had one animal! It was a Shitzu ... I'll see myself out edit: apparantly this is another common repost which I have never seen. Oh well, I like it.
I drop kicked a Japanese woman today After holding the door open for her, she said to me "Sank you" How dare she bring up Pearl Harbor like that after my nice gesture!
"Dave's coming over." -Dave from work or Dave that doesn't know how doors work? [doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]
Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
Beauty is only skin deep ... but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
I'm like a Rubik's Cube, the more you play with me the harder I get!
My husband is out w/friends & I'm at home w/the kids. I'm going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[Cat Businessmen] "Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh." *sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I'm abandoning Obamacare for Bidencare. Everyone gets a sixer of Natty Light, 2 copies of Hustler from 1978 and a VHS copy of Caddyshack.
how do you tell the difference between an extroverted engineer and an introverted engineer? the extroverted engineer looks at *your* shoes.
Why did the Chicken cross the road? Because the farmer left the chicken hatch open
A conversation I had with an abusive child philosopher &gt;ACP: What is love? &gt;Me: Baby, don't hurt me.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent! (Credit to the first dad who said this) EDIT: I fucked up the joke, thanks /u/Daviddddddd
I took a "Which Friends character are you?" quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Don't you hate it when you're reflecting on life...... Then you realize you're a mirror. Thanks came up with this a bus ride I'll see myself out.
What do you call a one legged woman? Eileen! What do you call a one legged Japanese woman. Irene! What do you call the Samoan lady who fell off the cliff? Eileen Tufa'a!
You're a square... ... but you're still all right to me.
Why didn't the parrot want the black guy to buy him? Polly want a Cracker.
Why did the man on a lake full of docks build another one He felt the peir pressure
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm 'Predicting Cat Behavior' is complete! Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
The spanish word of the day is "Juicy" "TELL ME IF *JUICY* THE COPS!"
A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows  should be milked. "Oh I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.
How do most rappers build a following? They go shopping at a department store.
drank a Mike's Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
How did little Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis.
Why are the people of Saudi Arabia always behind the times? Because they live under Iraq.
Did you know that Ireland is the richest country in the world? It's capital has been Dublin for a long time.
A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?".... He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Gym memberships are expensive, just tattoo biceps all over your body and eat all the cake you can find.
What woman say right before they kill you: Wow. Fine. Whatever. No problem. I'm not mad. Nothing's wrong. Sure, stay friends with your ex.
/r/badplumbing is leaking
I go to strip clubs for the music.
What do you say to an native american who, you think, is telling you lies? Don't sittin' bullshit me.
When I said I respect our boys in blue I meant the blue man group
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at him/her!
Yesterday a bird crashed into my window... ..of course that's what I was willing it to do, so everything worked out great.
My lame brother and his friends dressed up as european sausages tonight! He's the wurst.
What did Ronald Reagan say in his presidential campaign? Electron. Also, what did the Greek warrior say when he saw the wooden horse? Hydrogen ^^^^please ^^^^spare ^^^^me
I like my women how I like my fracking Always wet and poisonous to my long-term health
#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot
The one thing that I excel at... is spreadsheets.
I got second place in a star gazing competition once. The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize.
Why do chicken coops have only 2 doors? If they had 4, it would be a chicken sedan! ^I'm^so^sorry
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you? Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
What does the handyman who has no legs wear on his head? The handycap.
Poor Susie! Q: Why couldn't Susie ride the swings? A: Because she has no arms! Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie!
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Baa dum tssssss
"My god," I whisper as the food arrives. "Just as the prophecy foretold."
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Alickalotopuss
What do you call a lame horse? Elmer
Just got a job as a scientist and I fell in love with the periodic table whilst the music was on. It was my chemical romance.
How do you call a nazi that doesn't react? A neon nazi
I got you a paracetamol, I said "I got you a paracetamol", I said. "But I don't have a headache", she replied. "Good, then let's fuck".
What's the difference between a pill and my penis? A pill can achieve an erection.
What did cinderella say when she got to the ball? NSFW *gagging noise*
A man walks into a bar and says ow
THE ROOSTER ALSO CALLED A COCK LOVES THE KITTY WET THE CAT FALLS INTO A BUCKET OF WATER THE ROOSTER LAUGHS THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS A COCK LIKES A WET PUSSY.
It's my CakeDay. Here's a joke I wrote. My British friend is a bit of a freak. He sniffs African women's underwear when they're on their period. - - - ^^Bloody ^^nickers ^^lover...
Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren't free samples. I know that now.
I sat in traffic this morning and my inner child wants to know if we're there yet.
Why are there no guys named William serving in the army? Because they dislike the phrase "Fire at Will"
My gay friend fell into the ocean Good thing he's so flambuoyant.
The total of the food we had was a bit dark... Because we had "Dim Sum".
It's probably not relevant at all that the big tough republicans always seem to be the most terrified of everything.
Hey baby, if I were a gorilla exhibit I'd let you drop a kid in me.
What can you say about Ham Burger and Chief Justice Warren Burger? Ham Burger is 'well done' and Chief Justice Warren Burger has 'done well'!
...Maybe it should be called 'Dancing Without The Stars.'
An American and a Finn are drinking in a bar... After an hour, the American says "ahh, this is good beer." The Finn says "Are we drinking or talking?"
According to a study I read... Men think about the adjectival form of pus every 6 seconds.
If there were no bad parents there would be no good strip clubs.
Why was the Jewish man so defensive about his beer? Because Hebrewed it.
An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Man walk into a bar The Hobbit laughs at them and walks under it.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Are your parents bakers? Cause youre inbread.
After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ... he's going to build a 4th Wall.
What does Sting have in common with a snitch? They both sang at the police.
What's a Lumberjack's favorite drink? A lager
Interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
Damn girl are you a Nirvana album because...nevermind.
Why is Santa's sack so full? He only comes once a year
As a mark of respect to Lou Reed I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones. -Daft Limmy
Knock Knock Who's there ! Czech ! Czech who ? Czech before you open the door !
*Pops up from the backseat as you're driving* *Duct tapes your neck to the head rest* Now, why are you telling people I'm crazy?!!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea, not the bay? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels :D
CW: What's for lunch; smells good! Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven't found it yet. CW: Me: *smirks*
What did the depressed light switch say? I can't go on.
My girlfriend and I tried Anal sex for the first time today. It was a little ruff at first but I'm finally managing to sit down again.
How do you say goodbye to an epileptic? Seizure later
What is the most important thing for a hungry shark? A-fish-in-sea.
Why has Stonehenge been there since 2000 BC? because it's stoned.
How many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it 'No Filter', go with a filter next time. serious
Why did Microsoft skip from Windows 8 to 10? Because Windows 7 ate 9!!! :D
the older i get, the more understandable britney's meltdown seems to me
When my robot left me for Africa I had to ask why. "Why are you moving there?" "Because! Botswana! Duh"
What do you get when you cross a cow with a trampoline? A milkshake!
Me : It's over & nothing you say will make me change my mind Him : 'I just ordered a large thin crust' Me : Be there in 10 min
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That'll teach 'em. Can't unsee that.
Mother's Day is once a year... But Sunday is once a week!
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we're in public.
My mom told me to quit smoking weed But I said fuck it I do what I marijuana
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.
All your responses must be oral, okay? Q: "What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together. ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
How do you celebrate July 4th in Canada? Not by getting drunk and blowing off your fingers, because it's just a regular day fir you.
Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off.
Skeleton: an oldie but a goodie! Why didn't the skelton cross the road? (Answer in comments so you can fully appreciate the joke)
The fact that the self-checkout computer doesn't say "This shit is bananas" when scanning bananas seems like a wasted opportunity.
I just made up a new word Plagiarism.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns? Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
"One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service" - Abraham LinkedIn
Do you know how to tell if a bee is Africanized? It's all in the lips.
Why was the password a bad attorney? [OC] He was case sensitive!
will you marry me? "OMG YES! I love you!!!" *imagines typing only 4 characters for 'wife' instead of 'girlfriend' on Twitter* I love you too
Why aren't there any Jewish gangsters? Because they don't "come from the hood"
Cannibals don't drink coffee. They have a cup of Joe instead.
Donald Trump and Mike pence fall off a boat, neither of them can swim, who survives? AMERICA
I hate when you tell someone you're bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you're not quite that bored.
Black people can be racist too It's just that white people are so much better at it.
What you get if you cross an r/jokes redditor with an author of books about the past? History repeating itself.
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy? Wanna take a shower? They're to die for.
What did one Jew say to the other Jew? Is it just me, or is this room getting really hot??
I met a geologist the other day He seemed gneiss.
I'm thinking of doing my part and getting into taxidermy... It really is a dying art.
What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me, im going in!
Jehovah's Witnesses They have to be the worst at knock knock jokes.
Instead of Grammar Nazis, can we call them Grammar Alt Rights? Because your Grammar sure isn't Altright.
I heard that the majority of car accidents happen within 15 minutes of home So I decided to move 30 minutes away
Question: If a King runs a Kingdom...& an Emperor runs an Empire... Who runs a country?
They say cow manure come from males. But that's bullshit.
I once ate an entire pack of rope I shit you knot.
The debate should just be held here The joke should be in the comments
The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4.  Why do I do this to myself
What did the trans-gender, pan-sexual, gender-fluid ogre say to the heterosexual male ogre? Shrek your privilege!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
What comes in pints? elephants
if you open Door.jar, is the door still ajar?
I think that being a Lone Wolf is the coolest thing ever yeah.. except at the annual wolf picnic when you don't have a partner for the wolf hill barrel races.
The researchers didn't want to give their years of AI research to a younger team. But eventually, they decided to pass the torch
How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb? They don't change it. They just watch it burn out, then follow it around for 30 years.
I like my internet like I dislike my women. Not going down on me.
A guy walks in on his daughter masturbating with a pickle "Sick!" he says. "I was going to eat that. Now it's going to taste like pickle."
The patient was about to die "Well," said the doctor, "He can wait."
*emailing professor after exams* it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot
Capitalisation It is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."
What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on? Vacation.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents' house for Thanksgiving so I'm bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Software boner. Why did the computer need Viagra? Because it had a 3.5 inch floppy disk.
What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.
You can tune a piano But you can't piano a tuna.
"DADDY THERE'S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED" [me opening bedroom window] Wife: What are you doing? Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but I have no idea how they got in the lightbulb.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it... We went out and had drinks. Cool guy, he wants to be a web designer.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Intern Groper Rob'.
Knock Knock Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you.
Me: I ate all the chips. Wife: What!? For the boys' lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its. Me: You're not going to believe this
Why did Luke Skywalker get in trouble for using the Live Long and Prosper sign? It's because he was accused of cultural appropriation.
I heard Cobras dance to music. I played some Justin Bieber for my pet Cobra and he bit himself and died.
So two snare drums and a cymbal fall on the ground... *BA* *DUM* *TSSHHHH*
Roses are grey, violets are grey. I'm a dog.
What do reindeer have that other animals don't have? Baby reindeer
The George W. Bush Library just opened... It uses the Doofas Decimal System.
Been told I'm a pretty awful human being. I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.
At first, I never understood why my parents had a bitter relationship Until I realized my birthday was 9 months after my dad's...
What do Bernie Sanders and Santa Claus have in common? They're old, promise you free shit and are red!
I bet Michael J. Fox makes one hell of a martini.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None They expect someone to do it for them.
What Johnny Mercer song does December 21st remind you of? Autumn Leaves.
What's the difference between an elevator and a black guy? The elevator can raise a child.
"What the fuck is he doing?" -first person to witness breakdancing
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.
Condescending Joke You
So I'm going down on this homeless woman. And then she wakes up!
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never begged to have a lentil on my face
What did the botanist say to the plant he was tired of tending to? Grow away.
What's a homophobic child's worst nightmare? A monster coming out of the closet
Anytime someone over reacts about a joke Hey, it's a joke not a dick don't take it so hard.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent
I think my husband is psychic! "Honey, what do you think of this outfit?" {from other room} "You look great!"
With the 1st overall pick in the Whose Line is it Anyway fantasy tennis draft Is Wayne Brady gonna have to Djokovic?
How do you make a cat go "Woof!"? Soak it in petrol and put a match to it. (This is a joke, not and instruction, Reddit)
My doctor won't go away. I know what you're thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
What kind of pizza would the twin towers order? Two plains.
Lighten up your drive-thru experience by saying "I just need two buns" into the speaker then pulling up with a live cow in your backseat.
I suffer from Insomnia On the bright side; only 12 more sleeps til Christmas.
Where did Sally go during the explosion? Everywhere! source: https://twitter.com/AntiJokes_Kapil
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won't eat you. If that doesn't work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
What do you call Trump's barber? Orange peeler
The service on my iPhone is so bad I'm thinking of calling it my AOL phone.
I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me... "WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast. Thanks, royal baby.
Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda's back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly...
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray. *writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
If you love somebody, let them go. If they're smart, they'll keep going.
Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says, "Gosh, it's hot in here", and the other sausage says, "JESUS CRIST, IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE"
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.
A programmer had a problem... A programmer had a problem. He thought "I know, I'll solve it with threads!". has Now problems. two he
"Dude, what's with the outfit?" "Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer" *hops away in kangaroo costume*
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am...Can you believe that, 2:30am!? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was a muffler. I woke up pretty exhausted.
I'm the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I got a $100 bill tattood on my penis, if the wife wants to blow $100 she doesn't even need to leave the house.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
The boiled water died It shall be mist
When I smell weed coming from my neighbors house I call him pretending I'm the Mexican Cartel, and accuse him of stealing my drugs.
Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I'm about to beat some sense into.
Any dude who waits for Valentines Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days a year.
The Pope walks into a mosque The Imam asks "Why the wrong faith?"
Why couldnt you trust Castros wife? Because at one point, she was infidel. Ok ill leave now
After watching a strongman competition... it amazed me to see how much the human body can lift without pooing itself.
What type of pants does Mario wear? denim denim denim
The difference between a black man and a tire ? The difference between a black man and a tire is that if you put a chain around the tire it doesn't start singing rap.
People who say age is just a number fundamentally don't get numbers and that's why I always borrow money from them.
I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
My superpower is predicting the exact day I'll need something that sat idle in a drawer for months so I can throw it away the day before.
Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate? A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye 'maighty
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.
She can't wrestle... But I'd love to see her box.
Why is it difficult to find the clitoris? Because you have to go through a labiarinth.
Jesus could walk on water But Stephen Hawking runs on batteries
Get ready for a corny joke! ***What is Mr. Corn's philosophy on life?*** Life is a maze.
You ever stick your dick in pecan pie? It's fucking nuts.
why did the scarecrow win a Pulitzer Prize? He was outstanding in his field
video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
My Life. It said "Submit a Joke."
There are two things in this world that I could look at forever... the left one and the right one.
Okay, but it's offensive "Have you ever had Ethiopian food?" "No..." "Neither have they!"
The other hole. My buddy asked me the other day if whenever my wife and I were getting freaky if I ever tried having sex with her other "hole". I replied "Hell No!",.......... She might get pregnant.
Son: "Mom, Dad we need to talk.... I'm a vegan" **Mom cries running out the room Dad: Why can't you just have a normal eating disorder?
Scientists have discovered what a woman wants. But she changed her mind the next second.
Do you have a little Irish in you? Well... Would you like some?
Wanna get rich? Buy my book, 'How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95' for only $39.95.
So a cinematographer, writer, and production designer walk into a bar.... and the director takes all the credit.
What do you call a jewish eskimo? A kike!
My Granddad is on a catheter...... It really takes the piss
I thought nothing could be more embarrassing than finding my dad's playboys in the closet. Until one of them tried to shake my hand.
A friend of mine told me that sex after a vasectomy would hurt. But to be honest I haven't noticed a vas deferens.
I like my women like I like my coffee. No pubes.
Your mom doesn't have a nice bone in her body, except for mine.
What is your best North Korea joke?
Sitting with Grandma at the hospital. She noticed me checking my watch and said, "Go on Dummy. I know brunch is almost over at the tit bar."
When is a one not one? When it's too
I read my horoscope today... It said I was gonna come into some money... which is weird because I usually just come into a tissue...
We crush olives for olive oil, we crush walnuts for walnut oil and we crush sunflower seeds for sunflower oil So how do we make baby oil?
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the teeth.
why would you steal a baby at least steal something good like a truck or a dolphin
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I'd tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she's been so quiet that I don't want to disturb her.
Girl, you look like trash. Can I take you out?
I'm sorry, this is awkward. Those weather maps are interesting but I'm actually looking for a "meaty urologist."
Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"
I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3. When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.
why can't a bike stand on its own its two tired.
I hate when my wife says her friend at work "got flowers again today" and I have to kill that chick's husband.
A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon His friends gave him the cold shoulder.
Hangovers vs Women Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers go away!
What's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus? You only need one nail for the picture!
I'm only good for two things... Self-defecating and self-deprecating.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
What's brown and sticky? A twig.
I'd like to thank automatic flushing toilets For making people think I'm giving them 2 or 3 courtesy flushes
Let the Trucker Sleep
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et.
If they made a movie of my life it would be a lot of me looking for something to wipe my hands on.
What happened when Hamlet discovered his love dead? Necro-Ophelia
'welcome to subway how can i-' ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID 'sir-' M: IS IT HIS PISS
What do you get the man who has everything? Antibiotics
I smoked weed to think of something funny to post [deleted]
What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mother!
A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesn't get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.
Q: Why did the baker have brown hands? A: Because he kneaded a poo.
Men are like snowstorms You don't know how many inches you'll get, how long it will last and how hard it will be.
I injured my back in Egypt... and had to see a Cairo-practor
Where do pirates go in the summer? In ARRgentina.
How do I know you're not a cop? "If I was a cop, how would I have this?" *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good
*Jesus sits down at the bar* "The boss says we have to start charging you for water"
Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the capital of England.
do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify
I bought shoes from my drug dealer today I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
what's invisible and smells like carrots? rabbit farts
Wife*outside bathroom door*:"I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?" Me*pauses knitting*:"Uh, Ya"
Is Santa Clause real? Because the zero's on my bank statement are.
How do you kill a retard? Give him a knife and say "who's special?"
Did you know that NASA sent a bunch of cows into orbit? It was the herd shot round the world.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him GOD, I hope he calls me.
What has 16 legs and speaks german? Doppelspider
Knock Knock Who's there ! Armenia ! Armenia who ? Armenia every word I say !
What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? A pimp
What does being questioned by interpol have in common with cunnilingus? One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit
The Dalai Lama calls and orders a pizza... ...and says "Make me one with everything."
What is cat's favourite tea? Kit-tea
How did Hitler tie his shoelaces? In cute little knotsies!
The store that has everything. I keep hearing about this amazing store that has EVERYTHING. Unfortunately I cant find it anywhere... anyone know where "Participating Locations" is at?
What's the most sought after ball in Biopsy Bingo? B9
Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that. *slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*
What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail ? This is the end of me !
How do you confuse Hellen Keller? step on her books with golf shoes
Niagara Falls Viagra lifts!
Why do people never eat clocks? Because it is very TIME CONSUMING. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL LMFAO STFU
My dicks only 3 inches...... But smells like a foot
Why did the calendar give up on life? Because he felt his days were numbered.
Q: What do you get when you cross a poisonous snake with a horse? A: I dunno, but if it bites you, you can ride it to the hospital!
Overheard at Starbucks: Man: Would you like to try a pumpkin spice latte? Woman: No. Since Trump came on the scene I am boycotting everything orange.
Friend asked me a personal question: Do I ever stick it in my girlfriend's... you know... her other hole? Ew no, she might get pregnant that way.
What do you call a movie about a low-magnitude Iron ion that skips school? Ferrous Bueller's Day Off
Want to hear something funny? Women's Rights.
What do you call a Hawaiian with a cold? A Polysneezin.
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today? We would get paid every day, and all women would bleed to death.
What does r/The_Donald call its rule list? The MAGA Carta
What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil? I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would've been a lot more interesting.
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhea ... ... It runs in our jeans.
Dropping your keys standing over a grate and them not going through is God reminding you that he could fucking kill you if he felt like it.
My MILFshakes bring all the police and devastated families to the yard.
Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny? It just makes cents.
How do you kill 200 flies at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won I said, "yeah man, you're free!"
The thought of Aortic Dissection just tears me up inside.
My friend dropped his phone in the toilet It was a shitty phone anyway True story
Haven't seen a king so upset since MLK had a dream! WARRIORS!
I like my whiteboards like I like my women... Remarkable.
Why are hurricanes sometimes named after girls? because When they come they're wild and wet like hurricanes, but when they go they take your house and car
Why did the Console peasant cross the Road? To render the Building on the other Side
What's the difference between sexy and kinky? Sexy is when you use the feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Black people! Guns! Police officers.
Squishing breasts an blasting them with radiation to cancer prevention is like... Sticking a Molotov cocktail up your butt and spraying sparks at it for prostate health.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? "Dam"
How is Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis similar? They have Hogwarts
Hate it when a banana has bruises on it but the banana says it fell down the stairs & you just know it's lyin' to protect an asshole banana
"Pray, love, eat." -- A mantis
Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
What do you call someone who barely graduated from med school? Doctor.
What do you call a gay anemic? homo-goblin
Is there anyone besides Jesus Christ who has the privilege of having his name double as a swear?
I think calling them maggots is insensitive... they should be referred to as larvasexuals.
I've feeding my kid Green Beans for St Patties Day so I can have green vomit on me without having to drink 26 green beers.
What Do You Call A Blank Piece Of Paper? WOMEN'S RIGHTS!!!
Drunk - When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell into a ditch She screamed until she was blue in the hand.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Two Jewish women are on a bench One turns to the other and says "meh" The other responds "eh" The first one replies "but enough about the children"
Whats the biggest difference betweens mens and womens soccer? There are more pussies on a mens soccer team
Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.
Microsoft tech support called me last night as a indian, I said "Sorry your calling Indian Tech Support"
Even though the Miami Dolphins traded down in the draft... They still got the highest pick.
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well it depends on what you mean by change.
*delivers baby* *delivers baby* *delivers baby* *delivers baby* *delivers baby* Nurse 1: I'm exhausted. Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
What do you call a teacher who doesn't flatulate in public. A private tutor. -Credits to my cousin ;)
What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?[NSFW[ One is an array of cunning stunts and the other is an array of stunning c*nts EDIT: R.I.P. inbox, this really blew up unexpectedly
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
I phoned the police. I said, "A girl is being raped in the park!" He said, "You're going to need to be more specific than that." I said, "You kinky bastard."
For the first time I am going to be visiting Britain this summer, but when I got there... Britain had already left.
Some Irish feminists decided to go braless to make a statement, but one named Erin wouldn't do it. So the rest of the group got really angry and shouted at her: Erin, go braless!
So I saw one of those "Drink for Pink" labels on a bottle of juice... Sounds like Georgia Tech's hookup strategy.
Mean Insults, Good Comebacks, Insulting Quotes - Itchyflight.com http://www.itchyflight.com/mean-insults-and-comebacks-good.html
Why do farmers put bells on cows? Their horns don't work.
Have you ever had sex on a campground? It's fucking in tents.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I'm not kidding.
Where's the best place to go if you want a little head? The 2016 Olympics.
Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb. It doesn't matter since they will just be the room for being black.
I heard Oscar Pistorius had a hard time finding a lawyer for his murder trial... they kept saying he didn't have a leg to stand on.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
Women: Can't live with 'em... ...Can't live with 'em.
I'm selling my vacuum cleaner It's just collecting dust. I'll show myself out
I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy. I don't want her getting fat like my wife.
What do you call a Mexican woman who has no legs? Cunts way low
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!! #labordayweekend
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.
Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's OK now
Seems like Harrison Ford is really down to earth Too early?
Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep.
there has been like five kardashian birthdays in the last two months wow i actually can't keep up with the kardashians
[god creating jellyfish] how bout an evil bag
Why do the proms stop after high school? Just because I'm an adult now doesn't mean I don't still need to grind on people to Lil' Jon songs.
My friend bought a stone mirror. It reflects poorly on him.
I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.
what do you call gay paramedics? First-AIDS
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"
What do you call someone who likes to rap about salt? NaCl-more.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad's in the audience [waves to dad] [orchestra goes crazy]
Hi 911, I'd like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
In honor of Earth Day I'm going to forage for my own food. Does anyone know what a Dorito plant looks like?
Optimism The eternal belief that you're always one-third of the way to a threesome.
I like to keep my collar popped. I ain't no collar back girl.
If you're ugly, you cant say "Single And Loving It" Cuz you really have no choice.
In the spirit of mother's day Roses are Red Violets are blue Pornhub is down Your moms facebook will do
"Did you watch Big Hero 6?" "No, I still haven't seen Big Hero 1-5."
It makes sense that tumblr is against whites with dreadlocks After all, these are the *dreaded* white people they're always talking about.
What do you get when you combine north beach and south beach? Sum of beaches.
Twitter is the world's largest voluntary police lineup.
wife: What's the best moment of your life? me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding
In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.
My favorite parts of the Bible are when Jesus is alone talking to God (himself) and someone who wasn't there is writing about it.
Noel, Noel. Noel, Noel. Born is the king of isrea.
American Politics That's it, that's the joke
It's gonna be tough for Brad Pitt to start dating again. Everybody knows Tomb Raider sequels are terrible.
Apparently, somebody gets stabbed in London every 52 minutes. Poor bastard.
What's a Rastafarian's favorite Star Wars character? Jah Jah Binks
[prison riot] me: here comes the tickle monster!! [gets stabbed 100 times]
Where do Dutch sheep go at night? TO SHLEEP! :D
What's the difference between your mama and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow me around for a week after I dump a load in it.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show these fu**in pedestrians how its done!
The NYC smoking ban sucks. Thankfully you can still wear sunglasses indoors, otherwise it'd be impossible to tell who the cool people are.
Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she's not yelling. -my kids, watching me sleep
I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like... But I'm sure the mass will be the same.
How is being married like puttin' on a tin roof? If you don't nail her good she'll be at the neighbors.
What do you do when Ronda says "Not Tonight"? Kick her out of bed
The last time Japan upset a nation this much was December 7th, 1941.
A teacher finds his students have drawn penises on the whiteboard, so he rubs them all off. He is now a registered sex offender.
What is the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
I have a friend who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
"I'm sorry, sir, cash or credit only." The rain sadly puts its check away. 21st century technology has not been kind to him.
"What's your job?" Programming. "What's your hobby?" Programming. "What do you do when you're not programming?" Think about programming.
What do you call a cold homie? A chilly dog.
The documentary who? Knock Knock Who's there? The documentary The documentary who? The documentary Hoop Dreams.
I've been happily married for 3 years Out of a total of 20.
Have you ever heard the saying... ...come here and sit on my lap and let's see what pops up?
Did you hear? They're making the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey into a romantic comedy. It's going to be called "50 Hues of Gray".
What do Batman's parents shout when dinners ready? NOTHING, BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD.
Do these Daisy Dukes make my trash look White?
People think life after college is nothing but feeling tired all the time, but that's just not true. There's also a ton of fear and anxiety.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Birds can fly, but flies can't bird
My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone. That was the last time we played monopoly.
Q: Why is a blonde like Australia? A: They're both down under and no one cares.
What do you tell a person with two swollen eyes ? Nothing, you already told 'em twice.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks
There was a black-out in my city last night. The police said stay in doors until they shot him.
Why do kangaroos hate rainy days? Because the kids have to play inside.
Why did the headless chicken cross the road? Cause he was supposed to be-headed to the other side
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.
Cholo What did the cholo say when two houses fell on him? "Get off me, homes!" My brother heard this on Tosh.
Remember to practise safe phone sex. You don't want to risk getting hearing AIDS.
What type of pants do Japanese people wear? Nihon-jeans (Nihon-jin)
How Long is a Chinese name. It's not a question.
What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend Flush I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.
got 1 of those water bottles w/ the plastic prison inside 4 putting fruit in. i'm gonna put donut in it. donut water.for health n prosperity
A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to' but YOU ???"
new stereotype I just invented: everyone else but me is bad at navigating their cart at Costco
Where did the hipster drown? In the mainstream
Why can't Edward leave Russia? He's Snowden.
What's the difference... What's the difference between a chef and a perverted aquarium owner? One fixes dishes and the other dicks his fishes.
You know they say 25% of women are medicated for being "crazy".. That means the other 75% is running around un-medicated.
What did the fish say when he crashed into the wall? Fuck!
Metalhead love What do you call 2 metalheads falling in love? A match maiden heaven
How do shellfish get high? At a clam bake
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Why do prescription pills always say "by mouth?" Where else would people put th... Ooooooh.
*feels comfortable* comfortable: *slaps hand away*
What do you call the group of people with funny outfits that talk about peace and love and stuff Trekkies :)
A construction worker comes home from work. He tells his wife, "Honey, I cut off my finger today." She replies, "The whole finger!?" He says, "No, the one right next to it."
Me: I love you with my hole heart. Wife: Wrong hole.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friends Inside of a dog, it is warm and moist.
I got probed by an alien last night Its true what they say, Mexicans do work good with their hands
Some kid on xbox live told me he had *** with my mom I told him my mother has AIDS.
How can you spot a racist in a crowd? They're the ones shouting "Black Lives Matter!"
The elevators are broken & I work on the 17th floor. Pretty sure I'm the first person ever to use the phone in reception to call in sick.
What is Pitbull's first name Featuring
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in mud, and cross again after being caught by the mafia? Because he was a dirty double crosser.
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walked into this bar... ..and of course we all know this because they wouldn't shut up about it.
The election between Trump and Clinton was just like sex. You could've either take the ass hole or the cunt.
When she screams "deeper!"... ...but you already have a degree in philosophy.
Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? THAT'S THE JOKE.
I hate cereal killers they go against the grain
What do Donald trump and the Internet have in common? They're two of the worlds most powerful tools.
My friends tell me that I'm a sociopath, but I don't care what they think.
Sometimes peeing feels better than sex. It lasts longer too.
Ran out of Manila envelops. Off to the Philippines.
Q: What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty? A: Are you my mother?
My friend asked me if the new Star Wars movie was in 3D I said yes, but they R2D2
When I'm not anxious I'm anxious about it.
What's the hardest part of burning a church? My dick.
How do you circumcise a priest? Kick a little boy in the jaw.
One day long, long ago... ...there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and just for that one day. The End.
I won't say I necessarily want to be in a relationship, but I will say its been hard to load a dishwasher with no feedback, whatsoever.
Bro do you even-- Bro I do. *eyes begin to tear up* *fist bumping until the sun rises*
What do toilet paper and The Star Trek Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.
What is a hamburger's favourite story? Hansel and Gristle!
Q: What did one vampire say to the other vampire? A: Is that you coffin?
Why do procrastinators live the longest? Because they die at the last second.
Remember when social awkwardness was a bad thing and not what drew us together into online communities of self-loathing and horrible puns?
I am a woman, hear my eyes roll.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I like my women like I like the sun... Not exploding.
An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face
What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.
What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night? I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...
what's the opposite of a Mexican? a Mexican't
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot? A bite in shining armor.
When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
Why is it spelled 'cancelled' in the UK, but 'canceled' in the US? Because the US gave the UK that L back in 1776.
Two Native Americans walk into a restaurant... The concierge asks, "Do you have reservations?" One of the guys replies, "Yes; mine is in Oklahoma and his is in Arizona."
On second thought this "Thug's Life" tattoo probably shouldn't have been done in Comic Sans.
@GaryDelaney: If you watch Benjamin Button backwards you won't be able to see anything as you'll be facing away from the television. -Gary Delaney
The wife just said "right, pack ur bags and go ya lazy bastard." I said,"fuck off...you pack them."
Friend: "Did you bring condoms?" Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."
A joke I made up What happened to wendy on her way to neverland? She peed her pants (read out loud)
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I was shocked when they said I should spend a month's income on an engagement ring, but dammit girl, you're WORTH 900 favs.
What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...
The most important organ I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
The IRS is going to start garnishing my wages. I think I'll enjoy getting a sprig of parsley in my paycheck.
What do you call a deer with flashlights for eyes? A bright eye deer.
She said YES! ..When I asked her if she was cheating on me.
"You can hide but you can't run," -- Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Did you hear about the drug addict who went to court for flipping off the cops? It was a case of two birds one stoner
What do giant steel beams say when they come across a nugget of gold? Au
So there is a First class only Indian Airline. Their motto is "We will treat you passengers like Cattle"
Have you ever tasted traditional Ethiopian food? Neither have they. I'll show myself out.
Does Kim Kardashian ask Kanye West - Does my bum look big enough in this? I'd like to think so...
Chinese Food is amazing but I do find it hard to believe that a chicken fried this rice
TIL that North Korea is one of few countries where women Truly have equal rights to men. That is that they both equally don't have any.
Don't say "fuck" in Japan They don't like it when you drop the bomb.
How come when someone goes to sit down and the seat is dirty they use their hand to wipe the seat then wipe their dirty  hands on their pants? What was the point
Anthropologists found a group of people whose religion forbids them from being angry They're called the Nomads
Asterisks are awesome. *tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*
Did you hear they found life on Mars? But, Curiosity killed the cat.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? Because she moans with the other.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation  of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
The acting in Gilmore Girls
If only we had more money for mosquito nets in Africa... think of all the mosquitoes we could save from dying needlessly of AIDS.
What's Nu? Frequency.
What do you call Ralph Nader's alter ego? His alter-nader
TIFU by Mixing up my Pastor's Sandwich Order at Subway! Whoops, wrong *sub*.
Whats the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth.
`That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches. "Nah." "Fine, suture self."
Did you hear about the new protagonist in Mass effect 4? It's Commander Lamb. (From a friend of mine... Told it to me while we were in a party chat)
A Russian went for an eye check up. The doctor showed him some letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY "Can you read this?" The Russian responds, "Read? I even know this guy. He's my cousin."
I got a free wallet and watch today. It's like this gun is magic.
Who is a bee's favourite painter ? Pablo Beecasso !
What was the best part of being a blind smallpox inoculator in the 18th century? The great stories you get to read everyday.
Halal in the streets but Haram in the sheets. stole from a comment thread dont sue
Don't be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Can a kangaroo jump....? Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
Don't let anyone's hate, negativity, ignorance or drama stop you from being the asshole you strive to be.
Why is K-9 another term for a dog? Because if it was a cat, it would be a K-10.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you'll change your mind real quick.
In the Garden of Eden... In the Garden of Eden, Eve wore a fig leaf. Do you know what Adam wore? A hole in it.
Don't be racist! I takes all colors to make a rainbow. Except black. There's no black in a rainbow. Credits to vinesauce
I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.
Today was boring, I hung around in my underwear all day... got kicked out of quite a few businesses though.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.
Isn't it so weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?... Anyway, my sister in law just caught me masturbating.
I've been married to my wife for 27 years but it feels like 27 minutes. ...under water
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks? Half calf
Me: I'll take another drink. Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir? Me: No it's cool he's driving * points at chair*
Did you hear the one about the gang that's throwing eggs at people and kicking their asses? No Yolks but that enough about the Beaters
So the Jamaican said to the Arab.. "Aye where you from? You from tha beach mon?" The Arab replied "Yemen!'
Girlfriend walks into the room - Smells like someone farted in here. What an asshole
What do you call a lizard that doesn't work? A reptile dysfunction.
Did you hear about the weird music that plays at Mozarts grave.... Don't worry, He's decomposing.
Obama says he's pro-vaccine, GOP comes out against it. Now Obama needs to express his support for breathing.
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
I put my pants on like everybody else. Grudgingly.
What's Autocorrect's blood type? typo negative
It's a shame that zip is not an on-the-fly compression algorithm.
What does Imperator Furiosa like to click when she logs into a website? REMEMBER ME!!!!!!!!!!
GEEK BOOTY CALL... ALLERGIES I'm allergic to three things: cheese, pollen and not being with you.
What kind of pants does Mario wear? (Super Mario Brothers) *"Denim Denim Denim"*
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera* "My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?"
The strangest thing happened to me on the train today. Found a book titled "How to increase your Memory Power" left behind on a seat. Now, that's irony!
Oh no! An Xbox One and PS4 just had a head on collision... CALL AN AMBULANCE! WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU
What do you call the mean and dusty winds of the desert? Darude Sandstorm
My keyboard is such a freak I fingered the shift key 5 times and gave it sticky keys.
So Rick Perry drops his presidential bid Today.. I thought his campaign wasn't for late term abortions.
*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying* ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler PM: With a top hat? ME: Of course you idiot
How do five gays walk on a road In one direction
Candy is like virginity It's easy to take from a child
[1st day working at bank] BOSS: What are you doing?? ME: I gave that man a personal loan. BOSS: YOU'RE THE JANITOR
Why did Jeffrey Dahmer fuck his corpses? He already had a skin lamp, but he didn't have a flesh light
Inception *A van falls into a river* (Duration: 148 minutes)
In Hinduism, cows are sacred, are to be revered and certainly should not be eaten. However, the Christians eat Jesus' corpse.
The 70s had it right. Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I was wondering why my tap water was cloudy... But then it became clear to me.
Sunscreen isn't very effective... It didn't protect Steve Irwin from harmful Rays
Did you know PMS is mentioned in the Bible? "...and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day.. Light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The Dali Lama walks into a Pizza store He says, "make me one with everything"
What do you call a group of killer whales that play instruments? An Orca-stra
The late great artist of the 20th century Yelvis. YOU AIN NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG! CRYING ALL THE TIME.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner
Last night last night a girl kept pounding on my hotel room door.....finally i had to let her out...
How do you cut the Roman Empire in half? With a pair of Caesars!
What do you call cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
How do skunks like their e-mails? Scent.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save? Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Kim Kardashian will star in new commercials for Geico as part of a promotion for new slogan.. So easy, a caveman could do her!
I found out my wife was cheating on me so I divorced her. She's no longer my Mrs Take. She's my Ms Take
First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's eating you? Second apple: Worms I think.
My lesbian friends just got me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."
My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.
What do you say to a man with no legs? Nothing, he'll shoot you.
SEX TIP!!!! If you want to meet new women, stand outside a sex change clinic!
Men are just like jokes The best ones are all dark.
What did Hitler eat for breakfast? Luftwaffes
How to fall down the stairs Step 1 Step 2 Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Floor.
Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because they can't fit in d-shells. Edit: re wording
Just cause you have 9 lives doesn't give you the right to show it off and run across a busy street....fucking cats.
I failed a Health and Safety course at work today... One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer. Edit: grammer
What flavor gum does a scientist prefer? Exspearamint. inspired by the presidential gum joke.
People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
Girls are like puppies. If you don't take them out enough, they'll poop on your rug. SERIOUSLY ASHLEY ON MY RUG??
Quickest way to get over someone? 4 wheel drive
Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.
Breaking news A landslide recently struck downtown Chicago, causing $3 million worth of improvements.
How do you sink a norwegian submarine? Swim down and knock on the hatch. (In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)
Why are african americans so good at sports? Because of hard work and dedication.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Why did (do?) cavemen drag their women by the hair? if the dragged them by their feet they'd fill up with mud.
"Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course..." *Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir? me: a naked salad, please. waiter: ... me: you know, no dressing.
I once lost my thesaurus... and I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.
I'm sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullsh*t.
A Rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar The bartender asks - is this some kind of joke?
I was told water cooling a computer would make it faster So I threw my laptop into a pool, and now I never have to see a loading screen again!
I gave my girl an orgasm and she spat it right back in my face
So they finally proved the last part of Einstein theory of relativity. It's about time.
A bad thing about living in Switzerland. The flag is a big plus, but that just adds to the problem. (I did not create the first part, but i decided to *add* the last part to the joke)
What task was assigned to the last electron to join the military? Survalence
How do you get a Twinkie pregnant? How to put it in a box of Ding Dongs.
Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... Then a table, then a chair.
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
It's me Goan Goan who?...... Goan fuck yourself
I see you when you follow. I know when you get blocked. I look at all your @ replies and hack your DM box. Stalker Claus is coming to town.
When a clown sheds its skin, it rubs its head against hard objects, causing the stretched skin to split. The skin is often left in one piece
I carry an epipen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Morning jog Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick up the block and put it back in my toy chest.
Why do you never see Hippo's hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
This day needs cyanide.
Why are white girls odd? Because they can't even!
computer jokes Client to designer: "It doesn't really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue."
Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate
What happened when the joke about terrorists got to the front page? It blew up
"The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
What's a Jawa's favorite kind of pasta? Rotini!
I'm doing market research for a telescope manufacturer, I run the focus group.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying "If you keep making that face, it's going to get stuck that way" being true.
How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
How many men do a feminist need to make her sandwich? two. One from front and another from behind.
After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey... ...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.
I didn't believe the rumours about clowns being spotted all over the country Until I saw them debating on TV.
My Russian friend came to visit me Vladislav? Baby Don't Hurt Me....
Have you guys seen the movie about Flapjacks? Don't. It was critically panned.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
What do you call a large hairy gay man with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call a West African cricketer? He Bowler
Someone on the New England Patriots is getting fired Whoever forgot to deflate the 12th ball
Repost- How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Why did my Geoligist wife divorce me? She kept on saying that everything I said was complete bullschist
picture a potato but sexy lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
What is the name of your car? Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'. Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.
spent the last 36 minutes yelling at this ugly little girl to get off my lawn before realizing it was my naked reflection in the window.
I just got hired as a garbage truck driver. There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Why is a redneck wedding and a tornado alike? Because either way someone is losing a trailer.
Did you hear that Napoleon broke the Sphinx's nose with a singe shot? It was a one-hit wonder. I'll show myself out.
Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver.
[ This one from the great /u/KingOfRibbles ] "My sink was a bit dirty-" "-but all it needed was a little ...wiping!!!"
One thing is for sure about people who want to do Bono. They want to screw U2. I'll show myself out...
REACT [removed]
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
My girlfriend bet me a blow job that I couldn't go the whole day without making a period joke. I said, "You're on."
I'm no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
It'd be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I have a good friend who was retired but he needs extra $$$ so he took a job as a taxi driver. Last night, he pulled out to avoid a kid. ... and fell off the sofa.
What suicidal space creature did Kirk find on the Enterprise? A Tribble with troubles.
Whats a similarity between dogs and teenagers The girls are all bitches
"Ok. Breathe. Retrace your steps. You went to the beach, carried that dude, stopped for Quizno's, got your hair cut..." -God loses his keys
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR "UNACCEPTABLE" BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
What is a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.
"I love garlic bread! Put another loaf in the oven baby"fun song I made up at dinner. RT to show my family they're wrong & the song is good
I want what any normal girl wants in life... A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
What is the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste!
I just bought condoms. The cashier asked if I needed a bag. I just said "No, she isn't that ugly"
I like my women like I like my chocolate. With nuts.
Sometimes people ask me why I don't wear a watch. It is because I just don't have the time.
Fuck a horse.... Enjoy a stable relationship
Why do kangaroos hate rainy days? Because all the kids have to play in side.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you're not even there.
I like my women like I like my coffee With K cups
If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.
What do you call a fake thong (flipflop)? A scandal!
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Why does black lives matter affect the postal service? They have white mail privilege.
There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
What did the sexual predator chicken say about the donkey? I don't think it'll fit in that ass.
SCIENTIST: Behold The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive ME: uh okay *gets in* [CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]
Traffic shut down in many US cities today Have you ever seen a angry woman drive?
Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again... He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I'm worried
How do you keep a turkey in suspense? ...... ...... ...... I'll get back to you in a few weeks
Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it's gone by tomorrow.
My coworkers think it's funny they have power & I don't. I think it's funny how they won't get home to enjoy it cuz their tires are slashed.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? nobody ever changed that light bulb because we are to fat and lazy to do it
Break-Ups How do functions Break-Up? They stop calling each other.
I don't know why they call them drug deals... That shit's expensive!
"What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?" - my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.... ...nothing
What do you get if you cross a glow-worm with a  python? A twenty-foot-long strip-light that can squeeze you to death.
Life is like a box of chocolates If you're fat it's not going to last long.
My wife gets scared easily... She's got no balls.
If life were a videogame, what would be the easiest difficulty setting? Straight White Male
I bet phone booths are disappearing because they don't want us escaping the Matrix.
Every letter likes Jews... but not-Z
What kind of drugs to frogs take? methamphibians.
(real news) A tech company has announced they are close to perfecting a flying car. The company says the car should be ready by the year 2000.
You can lie about where you went to college & nobody has any idea. Pretty sure you can also just lie about going to college.
So I was eating some Middle Eastern food... ...but then my fala fell
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink
One guy trained how to kiss using kiwi So he wasn't confused by neat mustache that Mary had.
I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges.... I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome.
A sheep calls a sex line... Sheep: I'd ram you so hard. Operator: Ewe are a baaaaaad boy!
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed not my fault they don't have windows
A student was writing all his answers in ||||| format... Teacher: What are you doing? Student: I am writing all my answers in bar code, so that no one can copy it... New Method of Answer
Personally, I don't find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.
What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants? E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.
What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common? Some douchebag forgot to pull it out in time.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Why do people say "fat people are lazy"? Fat people get themselves food, I'm skinny because I'm too lazy to get myself food.
Why are statistics more believable with a larger sample size? The Ns justify the means.
A skeleton walks into a bar... And says "gimme a beer and a mop."
Jewish house on Christmas You know if a house is Jewish on Christmas if there's a parking meter on the roof.
I always cry before talking to attractive girls Any tips against pepper spray?
Grammar tip Farther = physical distance Further = metaphorical distance Father = emotional distance
How can you tell when the blonde's boyfriend's birthday is? when she has a belt-buckle imprint on her forehead
Why do people live soda? Because it's sodalicious.
I'm worried that Alexis Ohanian will end up divorced. In Tennis, love means nothing.
You don't know awkward and uneasy until you've seen the way I hold a cat.
If you want to annoy a programmer... Give him a bug-type Pokemon
In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe? Pokemon Go!
Hooters is starting a home delivery service. It's called Knockers.
Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone's favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?
I've got the eye of a tiger and a lifetime ban from the zoo
Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.
*i get home riding a pig* Wife: Hey honey, how was the "Hog Riders" meeting? Me: *sighs* Pointless...this one was for motorcycles too.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed woman on a tricycle? Attire
When I get naked in the bathroom the shower usually gets turned on.
I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out... but I lost my job as a middle school teacher
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
What's the difference between everybody and bullets? Everybody misses Harambe.
kanye west slowly pacing around the room to avoid a bee but insisting that he's not scared of it
What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon? 1/6 G My 8 year old son came up with this one.
What's the difference between Males and Females? An iron.
"Dad that's ridiculous, Hitler didn't invent Pokemon" [Checks Google] "Well I'll be damned"
How do you make Polish sausage ? First you gotta find a retarded pig...
[on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
I was at Morrisons earlier and the cashier asked a foreign couple if they needed help packing. I thought "Fuck me, this is getting serious"
Ruth and Johnny, side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump, Ruth hit a tree, Johnny kept going Ruthlessly.
The was this democratic elevator stuck in the basement it kept getting down votes.
Me- "Sorry I can't" Friend- "Why not?" M- "Working on my book" F- "Neato! What about?" M- "It's a collection of ways to escape obligations"
I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" line.
What did the Mexican doctor tell the Lone Ranger? Estas muriendo. Tu necesitas chemo. Sabe?
Police Chief: Why did you ticket the computer? Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.
My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can't even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
Hell is just going to be you on a conference call waiting for the 8th guy to dial in for all eternity.
What would you call Jack Black and Jack White's kid? **A dirty abomination you god hating homosexual!**
What's better than roses on a piano? Two-lips on your organ
If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I'm a purple hippo online
What's the worst thing to say to an anorexic person? You are what you eat
A construction site worker told his boss "Boss, the shovel broke ! What should i do now?" to which the boss replies "We're out of shovels. Go lean on something else !"
Where do Doggos go when they lose their tail? THE RETAIL STORE!
Curiosity killed the..... Martian race
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area, Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
I went to the zoo today, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu
How do you call a sex doll when you can see the whites of its eyes? Full
Why does a milking stool have only three legs? Because the cow has the udder
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far
I heard a wild, made-up, native american folk story the other day... It was some Crazy Horse shit
A new bike company says it has the best wheels in the world. According to their spokesperson.
I've just made a meeting site for retired chemists It's called Carbon Dating
Does anyone need an ark? I noah guy!
A guy walks into a bar. ouch!
What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator? Close the door! I'm dressing!
Billy where is your homework? "im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it"
I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you here an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
RIP Dense Water Vapour. You will be mist ;(
Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
"I'm a people person." - outgoing guy. "I'm a geese goose." - outgoing goose.
Whatever you do, always give 100% Unless you're donating blood
My first joke ever Two buts were talking. Sudenly one but farts. Other bur replies : "Yeah that was the thing i was thinkig abaut." As a child i loved this one .
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.
It's My First Cake Day and I'm Scrambling. How Does Moses Make his Tea? He Brews It!
What do you call a family in which everyone from grand parents to grand kids smoke weed? Joint Family.
What do you call balls on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call balls on a chest? Chestnuts. What do you call balls on a chin? My throne
I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".
What dog always gets on everyone's nerves? A great pane!
Why does Walter get to keep more of the drug money than Jessie? White privilege
I love how you can tell how slutty a girl is by the size of her hoop earrings.
I hate jokes about German sausage.. They're the wurst
Pulling pants up high to conceal a big belly is like a comb-over for the gut.
Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service.
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who understand the binary numeral system and those who don't
Why did the Eskimo break up with his girlfriend? He just wasn't really Inuit...
I love to play with my balls. I've been trying to meet a woman with the same hobby.
Warning: 18+ [link!](http://imgur.com/dkKxyoa)
A really hot girl walks into a bar... brb
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
A blind man walks into a bar And a Table. And a Chair.
Mitt Romney .
One direction splitting up? My daughter just announced to me she is in d-Niall :-)
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it's officially considered a hostage situation?
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up It's gone spiral
Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives? Purrgatory.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.
Which state smells the worst? The Prostate
Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without them.
What do you call a German virgin? Guttentight.
How do you write an essay that blows people away? With lots of drafts
Light a fire for a man, he'll be warm for the night. Light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ? Santa Paws !
HOH HOH HOH It's a wet joke
How did the mystic respond when asked what he's doing tonight? Your mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Why did Microsoft skip a number when naming their new operating system? Because 7 ate 9.
Left my iPod in the Washer and Dryer... I accidentally left my iPod in the washer and dryer, and when I took it out, all of my songs with explicit lyrics had been deleted.
Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.
When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'. I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"
perfect vision Whenever someone asks me what I plan on doing in five years I always get frustrated. Like c'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision.
So Kim Jong Un helps a little girl's starving family Oops I put the punchline in the title
My dog used to chase after people on a bike so I took the bike away from him.
What did the cow say when she jumped off a cliff? "Geronimoo!"
What did the pastry from Denmark say to the pastry from Norway? Hey, I'm Danish. JK they're pastries, they can't talk.
I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
I bet Elmo wonders about how they might stop funding PBS. And sometimes why.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.
Yo momma's so fat... I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing!
These sex jokes are in really poor taste and they need to stop. I mean, cum on, guys.
Every time I'm at a friend's house I look at the ceiling & say "You like to watch, don't you.." so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam
What is a pessimists blood type? B-negative.
A bird can fly... But a fly can't bird.
What does a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it.
Janet: What's the difference between a cake and a school bus ? Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake !
How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do? enough to kill 2 1/2 men.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception* *taps on mic; everyone smiles* "Anyone that doesn't want their cake, pass it to me please"
You are so ugly... ...the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand ripped through the toilet paper.
My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn't want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.
blonde joke Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes? it gives brunnettes and redheads something to do on friday and saturday nights!
A man walks into a mental hospital wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The clerk says to him, "You definitely belong here, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Why do wallets make so much noise? Because money talks.
"Impeccable" sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks...
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
COP: Give back the money you stole ME: Already spent it COP: On what? ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Why was the redneck on his Iphone at his sister's funeral...? He was changing his relationship status to single. Dahurpy durp Dahurpy Durp Da dUrpy durp.
Read more Aardvark jokes
I think I'm going to start taking helium People are speaking very highly of it.
Golf Joke: Drag Charlie - YouTube Latest Golf Joke from www.TightLies.tv
What do you call a communnist sniper? A Marxman
Why would I donate 2 to save a kid's life? I'd rather spend that 2 on a condom to prevent a kid's life.
why can't you fool aborted fetuses? because they weren't born yesterday.
TIFU by serving a hasidic man a footlong Italian BMT. Oops, wrong sub.
If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.
Three tampons are walking down the street... which one says "hi" to you? None of them, they're all stuck up cunts
I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand That way when it starts to run out I can say, "Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"
My doctor told me to stop masturbating When I asked him why he said, "So I can examine you."
Two blondes came across some tracks in the woods - and they argued with each other about whether or not it was bear or deer tracks... Until they both got hit by a train.
What is a Down Syndrome kid's favorite number? 321
What's the easiest way to find a gay West Virginian? All his cousins are male!
I just saw a squirrel pooping. That shit was nuts.
My uncle went on holiday to Ireland, but didn't have enough time to go to Clare. He really wanted to see Moher
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Every 60 Seconds in Africa.... a minute passes
Roses are brown, Violets are brown.. Who the fuck took a shit in my garden?
How do you cure depression? A gun.
Why did the wizard ask a pretty chick to throw a heavy box on him ? Not just the hard on............ it would've made him more flexible
Took my girlfriend to the ice cream factory and she fell into the gelato machine She's a sore bae now.
Why was Star Wars released in the order of episode 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3 In charge of order, Yoda was
did you know they are planning a sequel to fifty shades of grey in which both leads are played by men? they are gonna call it fifty shades of gay
What do you call a Chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary? They couldn't afford it.
I was in the living room and a book fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
why did the tomato cross the road? to become ketchup
What's the worst thing about a blowjob from an anorexic girl? They never swallow.
What's the saddest computer you can buy? A Dell
Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
I'm through making Alzheimer's jokes guys I just don't know why I liked making them anymore
I bet Billy Joel only needs to type in "Cad" before his phone's dictionary chimes in and recommends "Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac."
Before having sex with a girl, you should always (ALWAYS) ask...
New Game Here's a new game we can all play! You have to use a long mallet to hit frozen potato treats through hoops on a field. All while dressed as a frontiersman I call it Croquette Crockett Croquet
Introverts should get a 26.2 sticker for when they have to talk on the phone multiple times in a day.
What is 007's fetish? Bondage...
What religion does a drinking feline believe? Cat-holic
There's no such thing as "fair trade" honey. Those bees are gettin' screwed.
Don't spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Why did the melon try so hard to get her father's approval? Because she cant-aloupe
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
a piece of me is missing. I guess that I should stop asking people if they want a piece of me.
I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay I still do but I used tutu.
Me: I won't be in due to a VOLCANO Boss: ..we live, in Florida..? Me: IRRELEVANT Boss: Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
What is long and hard on a black man? Third grade.
[at gym] Him: How much do you bench? Me: Way less than I couch.
How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dustpan.
"Dave's coming for dinner tonight." "Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney...?" [from outside] "...hakuna banana."
My wife and I tried anal for the first time... is it supposed to hurt this much? i couldn't sit upright for a while...
how do you keep a stupid, boorish, unnatractive, and uneducated person hanging?
What does Eminem and a Tumblr SJW have in common? "See they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out"
Alan Rickman is dead sorry all the other subreddits were taken
Did you hear what is making the latest headlines? Corduroy pillows
Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep - 148 mins
1. What do you call a man with a flamethrower? 2. What do you call his first victim? 3. What do you call his second victim? 1. Bernie 2. Crispin 3. Ash
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
I'm sick of having to pick up women's jaws after I walk into rooms.
How does Hillary Clinton say goodbye? "Seizure later!"
My girlfriend stopped being my toaster strudel today... Now that she's on birth control, she became my twinkie!
My sister's husband overdosed on Viagra... she took it hard.
TIL that FDR was the first sitting President to travel by airplane Maybe tomorrow I'll learn who the first standing President to travel by airplane was!
Not to mention trempe If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
What do you call a stoner that is masturbating? A highjacker.
So a woman is driving down the road..... ....... Forgot women can't drive.
If you are ever attacked by a gang of clowns... go for the jugg'ler.
Some friends of mine recently lost their baby. They swore to never dress him in camouflage again if he turns up.
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
I bet i can tell you where you got your shoes. You got'em on your feet.
Do you wish you were always broke? Are you tired of having a thriving social life? Is too much sleep boring you? Parenthood. It's for you
What is easy to register for, but something you never want? Sex offender.
Why didn't the girl ride her bike to go water the neighborhood flower bed like usual? Because the pedals fell off.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why was the Cyclops a terrible teacher? He only had one pupil.
Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.
Why can't rappers take holidays? They always forget Tupac.
A geologist hit a man with his car. What crime is he accused of? Vesicular Basalt
What did the Japan team say after the first half of the Women's World Cup? "I, 4-1, know we won't win."
Mitch Hedberg used to do drugs
If the opposite of "pro" is "con"... What's the opposite of progress?
Oral makes my day, but anal makes my hole weak!
Two peanuts were walking down the road... One was assaulted
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny.
Id like to thank /r/nsfw for getting me through hard times.
Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't  come in and closed you up? Waiter: They're afraid to eat here.
The knowledge that Jersey Shore is known as "Macaroni Rascals" in Japan may just be the most important of my lifetime.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, It means a lot.
Did you fall from Haven? Me: "Girl, did you fall from heaven?" Her: "Don't even think about it?" Me: "...because Satan did"
Why are boats named after and referred to as women like "Ain't she magnificent" Because they're both things you can get in and still complain
*i put two straws in my drink* gf: awhh :) me: hell ya double barrel *i use both straws*
A termite walked into a tavern, and asked" Is the bar tender here?"
Would you tell me your street address, please? To which the Roman replied "I Wood" because he lived in the 1st house on Wood st.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
I don't know why women spend so much money on sunglasses... Wouldn't it be cheaper to just tint the kitchen windows!
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger? NFL: No way, that would be dumb. KATY PERRY: Oh I'll show you dumb.
I celebrate 4/20 On 1/5 Simplify your fractions!
what vegetable really likes to party? turn-up
Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I'm not the kinda guy who'll kiss intel
Islam is a peaceful religion A piece over there, a piece over there, a piece over here
Wanna impress me iTunes? Let me download a motherfucking pizza.
Why don't people in their 80's have sex anymore? You ever try to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?
What do you get when you cut yourself while having sex with a member of Queen? Band Aids
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple.
Why did the angry ant fall off the toilet seat? Because it was pissed off.
What is a Cell? something you keep black people in
In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation. Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.
Why did the farmer name his pig "pork Chop" Because 'Bacon' was already taken.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is. - Yoda does Hamlet
"Hey girl are you from Europe?" "cause europiece of shit"
I tried to catch fog today I mist
mosquito and a blonde joke what's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde ? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it..
What do you want to eat a week after thanksgiving? Anything but fucking turkey...
When I see something funny on the internet, I don't usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning... Him: What's a pirates favorite letter? Me: ARRRGH! Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
Why do people tip cows? Their service isn't even that good.
So a conservative was browsing r/news Haha that's a good one.
Proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a beer.
It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane
If someone who speaks 2 languages is Bilingual, whats someone who speaks 1 called? American. EDIT: My first post on Reddit and I get 1000+ up votes, thanks so much!!!
I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays.
I trust a woman ab as far as I can throw her. Very far. As far as she wants. I'll do anything plz come back to me *cries into pillow*
What did the dog say to the pig? You are just a bore.
There are three different types of people in the world... those who are good at math, and those who Just can never grasp it..
What do Gay men have in the morning? Sticky Buns! ;D
A readhead tells her blonde step-sister "I slept with 2 Brazilian guys last night!" The blonde replies, "Holy shit, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don't want to get off the couch.
What's the best name for a cigarette company? TOBA Co
What do you call 2 doctors walking together? Pair-o-Medics
I think the closest I've come to playing romantic music at a girl's window is when I forgot to turn down "Eye Of The Tiger" at the drivethru
I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies... Just for shits and giggles!
Where do stoner cars store their weed? In potholes.
If a chick tells you she's "not like other girls" she just proved she's exactly like all other girls.
The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.
My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an asshole.
What do you call a redhead who identifies as the opposite sex? Transginger.
$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.
Where do blind people got to get their college degrees?
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes... That way you're a mile away from them, and as a bonus you have their shoes.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I went swimming in the Black Sea It stole my trunks.
A woman files for divorce from her husband... citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns. When asked if this is true the husband says, "Divorce is strong with this one."
What do you call someone who worships testicles? Sacrilegious.
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass.....nyahahahaha (10 points for who knows the source of this classic joke)
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ? Frost bite !
What do you call the procedure for female to male sex change? A stitchadicktomy
Cop: You doin drugs? "No" Cop: Whatya smokin? "Pot" Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS "Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs"
Me: (Sigh) There she is. Him: Sounds like you're still carrying a torch for her. Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Maybe I'm just drunk, but this toilet looks alot like my neighbors car.
What type of grain uses profanity? Vulgar Wheat
I took my item up to the counter. "I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work." He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."
An Atheist, a Crossfiter, and a Vegan walk into a bar... how do I know? Because everyone repost this joke everytime!
What does George Bush Jr and Michael Jackson have in common? Bush did 9/11 and Jackson did 9 11 year-olds.
Anyone know why jewish people like coupons and deals so much? They are just trying to avoid the whole cost.  I feel terrible for making this up........ But ill get over it.
Is it true that in Siberia, bears walk on the streets? Nah, that's bullshit. There are no streets in Siberia.
What does a South Korean call their lover? Their Seoul Mate.
Two guys are drinking at the country club bar... First guy says, "Hey, you want to go play some golf?" Second guy says, "No, not today." "Why not?" "Because I never drink and drive."
You can never trust the cat family..... The head of the family is always a lion, and his cousin is a cheetah. (Lying and cheater, for those whom need this explained).
I play the triangle in a reggae band It's quite easy. I just stand at the back and ting.
My narcissistic friend just became an organ donor... because "who wouldn't want a piece of this body?"
"Son of a bitch, what are you doing? I just brought you that." (most dogs during fetch)
Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.
Always remember, there's someone out there for everyone... You'll probably never find them and die alone, but they're out there.
You call me a whore? All I have to say is that my legs are as open as Walmart at midnight
Me: Off to adult school recess! Boss: it's called lunch.. Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands
[in hip-hop voice] uh
A guy did squats at a talent show... He called it a stand up routine.
Jurassic Park- making you afraid of vibrating water since '93.
Italian men regularly hit women... ...who make the mistake of standing too close while they are talking.
What do you call five black men having sex? A threesome
Twilight drinking game rules: 1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.
Did you hear about the man that lost half of his body? He's all right now.
Why is a woman unlike a washing machine? After you throw a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow you around.
Since the pharmacy keeps making it harder to buy decongestants, I've just started making them at home from crystal meth.
The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that shit down somehow.
What do you call the useless flap of skin around the vagina? A woman. 'Nuff said.
Today there was an explosion in my kitchen... I combined pasta with antipasta.
I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.
What's black and smells like Shiraz? Tyrone Lannister
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it's nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Who wins in a race to San Francisco, the lesbian couple or the gay couple? The lesbians. They get there lickity split while the gays are still packin it in!
[religion] Why did Jesus die on the cross? he forgot the safe word
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Hey, are you from Ireland? Because when I see you, my penis is Dublin
I'm tired.... I hear there is a nap for that.
90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga. 100% of straight men don't care.
Repeat after me: President Trump.
Redditors of North Korea: What's your opinion on the recent Sony hack?
Relationship goals: A relationship
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A little boy asks his dad, "Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?" His dad replies, "Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!"
Recently a fellow coin maker challenged me to beat his best work. (x-post /r/3amjokes) When I punched his daughter's face, he said "That's not what I mint." At least his daughter was impressed.
What do Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and LeBron James have in common that led to their success in the NBA? Hard work and dedication.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly button? Because there are blonde men too!
I walked into the bar and asked for something cold and full of rum. The bartender yelled to the back, "Dear, there's someone here to see you."
Why did the chicken cross the road? To say Hello from the other side.
How do you get your girlfriend to fart? Pull out
A barber asked a man how he wants his haircut In silence
I was loving the song with the great beat in the lunchroom at work today when I realized it was the dishwasher running. It's great to be me.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a used car sales person? The used car sales person knows they are lying.
I spent all of last night trying to remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 and couldn't.... ...I'm so LIVID right now.
Did you hear what happened to Lithium? He was arrested for battery charges. Some say he's bi-polar.
Vote for trump Orange is the new black
Your're a redneck if...
What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? In the case of the bmw, the pricks are on the inside.
What do priests have in common with my dad's BBQs? They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.
A rather bold robber... Broke into the local police department and stole all of their toilets. Cops report that they have nothing to go on.
"Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree. I think I found my spirit animal.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Alabama? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Kate Upton's chest beefers ain't just a carnal thing. It's about beauty. Same as starin' at the American flag, wavin' at dusk.
Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear? A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.
What's the most American food? Popcorn, because you have to blow it up before you eat it.
It's only TMI if you're ugly.
Constipation: Same shit, different day.
[job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today.
Saying "Sloppy seconds" instead of "leftovers" is really funny, until your five year old says it.
Just texted "I still love you" to about 50 random phone numbers.
I got robbed last night The burglar replaced everything with an exact replica
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
I bet the government is behind all these conspiracy theories.
When is the best time to play racquet sports? Ten-ish.
What's the difference between a good joke... and a bad joke timing
My wife gave birth to twin boys the other day. And I've decided to name them Jerry and Forgery.
[at the gym] Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro? Waldo: Please don't do that.
A drunk man walks into a bakery... He approaches the baker and says "I fucked your mother!" On which the baker replies "Go home dad"
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug? She gave birth in the spring
What is another word for a rap battle? Black-on-black rhyme
Who sang the song that goes... ..."that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love your tiger feet"?
DO YOU EVEN LIFT BRO? I do take the lift sir.
What is the center of a gay apple's life? Decor.
I only break out my Cookie Monster impression if a date is going terribly or really well.
What does a Chinese cow say? [Governess](https://translate.google.com/m/translate#en/zh-CN/Governess)
"Who are you wearing?" -red carpet interviewer at the Serial Killer Awards
What do you get when you cross a pyrotechnician and Mexican food? Explosive Diarrhea
Someone called me yesterday and said, "Hello, is this Ross" I said " no it's Chandler" And they hung up. So much for trying to be Friends.
It's a good thing the Island of Lesbos is not in the United States Not sorry...
I got fired from the sperm bank today.. Apparently they frown upon drinking on the job.
How did Harry Potter cross the road? Walking Jk rolling
Life is short, which means it can't get on any of the cool rides.
What do you call a black man flying a plane A pilot
Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.
My kids are always accusing me of having a 'favourite kid' Which is ridiculous as I don't like any of them. -Danny Zuker
Roses are red, violets are blue Vodka is cheaper than dinner for two
My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
Big deal, McDonalds. We're all here for a limited time only.
What's better than being up to your knees in beer? Being up to your nuts in cider.
"Why'd you name me Carson, dad?" You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Disney's Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bond ! Bond who ? Bond to succeed !
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist Pokemon
How does a blonde turn a light on after sex? She opens the car door.
This town's government... "This town's government is excellent and spends your tax dollars efficiently."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"
Why did the religious bull get mad Because he had a bi-son
Thank you, possum, for rustling outside the window when some show about serial killers is on. It really helped with my insomnia.
Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.
Most of the jokes posted here are like gay muslims Beaten to death.
A four letter word that every man is afraid of? (More)
I hope death is a woman. That way, it will never come for me.
Describe your sex life with a video-game title. Uncharted.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their shit.
Two peanuts are walking down Central Park... one of them was assaulted.
What does oral sex in a nursing home taste like? (shrugs shoulders) Depends.
[yelling to the person i'm dancing with at the club] I HAVE SLEEP APNEA
Very dirty joke [NSFW] A pig falls in the mud.
Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus ? He ended up in a flea circus !
WTF is a cup of raw asparagus? Next this fucking diet will tell me to eat 4 stalks of powered sugar. A bale of jello. 32 inches of chicken.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... It's my screen savior...
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day... Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
What language does gay Jesus speak? Heblew
Three beans travelled around Australia together, where was their final destination? In Cairns.
What is so brilliant with a Arabian blow-up doll? They blow themselves up.
You're never gonna believe this but Ben Carson's full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
What would be your reply? Someone stops you in the middle of the road and asks you to tell him a good joke, What would be your reply?
What do you call someone who specializes in trains? A trained professional
What did the knob say to the door? I LOCK you a lot! yep, its corny, indeed, but... I'm tryin'! ~Skip
What do you get when you cross a snake with a plane? A boeing constrictor
Why was the blonde wearing condoms on her ears? Because she didn't want to get hearing-AIDS.
Facebook- You: Going to a concert tonight! Friend: Sweet, what concert? Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
A simple smile can brighten someone's day... ...but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.
Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
How can you tell when a Serbian girl isn't wearing any underwear? By the dandruff on her shoes.
A girl who I've been seeing goes to sleep early. But that's mostly from the chloroform.
What did Batman say to Robin before they hop on the Batmobile? "To the Batmobile!"
Why did the monster take his nose apart?  To see what made it run.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.
What version of Counter-Strike do feminists get? Counter-Feminist: Globally Offended
How much lube should you buy to prepare to have sex with a McDonald's fry cook with a cheddar fetish? About a quart to pound her with cheese.
Minnesota has 4 seasons Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.
Why does NASA drink sprite? Because they couldn't get 7up
This guy clicking his pen in Starbucks just got stabbed when I stabbed him.
if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off
Why did the elephant eat the candle ? For light refreshment !
I was gonna tell you a gay joke... Butt fuck it
[Conspiracy Theory] The second Darth Vader slashed off Luke Skywalker's hand, Luke became... ...Hand Solo.
"Get a womb!" - me when I see two babies making out.
So a neutron walks into a bar... So a nutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "how much for a drink?" bartender simply shrugs and replies, "for you, no charge."
When babies cry at movies: I hate when people's baby start crying in movie theaters. Bruh I didn't pay $12.50 to hear a reminder of how weak your pull out game is.
What cereal was removed from Tim Cook's breakfast? Apple Jacks
Teens today have it so easy. We didn't have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
How are tornadoes and women alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and they take the whole damn house when they leave.
Overheard a woman telling another woman "It's $150 and she supplies all the turtles" and whatever it is, I'm in.
I'm an apathetic druggie. I'm always high on crystal meh.
Jared Fogle was 994.4 terabytes short of being a petaphile ayy
My friend told me my mustache makes me looks like Jeffery Dahmer. I said, "Thanks. I've always wanted a killer stache."
Did you hear about the cheese that exploded? There was debrie everywhere.
How many Libertarian Capitalists does it take to change a light bulb? I ain't buyin those fancy *Tek-noh-lo-jikal* Big-Government ones. The free market idn't ready.
I'm a virgin by choice just not my choice.
Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream? He got hit by a truck...
Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with  newspaper? A. Yes if you wrap an iron in it.
My mate Dave drowned... For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver. It's what he would've wanted.
Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can. Sincerely, spiders
Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father ? They called him Dad !
My tacos are ready. Please check my Instagram to see 16 photos of them.
If a man stands alone in a forest... If a man stands alone in a forest, with no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
*gets on 1 knee* Jenny... "OMG" *places hand on heart and starts crying* "This is great!" *gets on 2nd knee* I'm having a heart attack
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 20 seconds.
What's fast and can breathe underwater? Not a toddler, I can tell you that
You don't have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. "No, I was waving at my friend."
Why do cowboys like dachshunds so much? They like to get a long little doggie.
Someone stole my copy of Microsoft office.. I will track you down, you have my word.
My wife's boss's name is Adolfo! I wonder if his family have always been against dolls?
Crime in multi-storey car parks. Wrong on so many levels.
Why don't the French enjoy travelling to Northern Ireland? Because they don't like the smell of Derry air.
There is a bible book all about beer... Its called Hebrews
What's the difference between a hobo on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? A tyre (attire)
"Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?" A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1. "I'd like 3 second slices please"
James May... James might...
A neutron walks into a bar. If you dont know how the rest goes im sorry you dont deserve to be on the internet.
"Yo momma is so ugly, I had to invent a device that allows me to converse without looking at her."  Alexander G. Bell
Is it called zerotasking or notasking? I'd look it up, but that kind of defeats what I'm going for here.
My grandmother used to wakeup and head for the bathroom . along the wat she would say with a raised voice 'o Jesus christ' Soon after my grandfather passed away she asked me to move the coffee table
2 Muffins are sitting in an oven... One says to the other "man its hot in here" the other one yells terrified "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face open I really dont need to hear about your gym workout
How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, Vigo and see. (best read in Yanosh's voice)
It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter
My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don't want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.
I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.
When I die, I hope it's in a women's dressing room because if I become a ghost, that would be AWESOME!
*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* "I noticed there weren't any black sheep. what's up man. we gonna have a problem?"
There was a fire at the supermarket I work at today. We now offer a large selection of smoked goods.
What do you call a Mongol with an infectious skin disease? A leprekhan
In Russia I like my coffee the way I like my women...
I can't recall the hunchback of Notre Dame's name Does Quasimodo ring a bell?
How do you make a nun pregnant? You fuck her.
People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.
Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car [hours later after date] HER: It's been 18 miles ME: I insist HER: But you drove both of us
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself "I can't believe I'm recording this"
The snow in the front yard is melting and so far I've found 3 unopened beers. *Adds party planner to resume*
I ate so many chickpeas... I falafel!
I was trying to trick someone into getting the new Windows But they saw right through me
Words cannot describe your beauty... But numbers can. 4/10.
FYI: You can't make rose by running red wine through a Brita filter.
My friend called and said, " on your drive over later please don't forget to bring all the ingredients for the Guacamole ". I said sure, there's only one problem..........I don't avocado.
Why doesn't the Easter Bunny make noise when he has sex? Because he has cotton balls!
i told my cat i was gonna teach him to speak English ... he looked at me &amp; said "Me? how?"
What idiot coined the term ex-fiance Instead of near-Mrs Edit: ex fiancee. I'm not as smart as I thought I was..
The Daffy Dictionary Straw Poll (n.) Something you find on an aroused scarecrow.
Momma bird: welcome to the world! Baby bird: thx! M: for the next few months instead of food, I'ma just throw up in your mouth. B: wait what
What's 12 inches long, stiff, red and purple, and makes women scream? Crib death
Bras come in sizes A, B, C, etc. So what's the biggest bra? The Zebra.
An impotent man... ... named his dick Magikarp. Because it's useless and can only splash.
I just heard an old man tell this joke on live radio... - Knock, Knock - Who's there? - Little Boy Blew - Little Boy Blue, who? - Jared, from Subway, that's who
Why is ten afraid of nine? Because nine ate seven! *heh heh*
Someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown. The cops have nothing to go on.
When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
I'm playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
So today's my wife's birthday... I went out and bought her some flowers and a vibrator. That's so if she doesn't like the flowers she can go fuck herself.
"Paper or plastic?" Sorry i have a boyfriend "Thats cool, but how should i bag your grocer-" I think we should just be friends
Chuck Norris checks his facebook on a typewriter.
What makes a fencing joke extra funny? When it is a riposte
Why did former Alabama governor George Wallace fail high school calculus? He refused to integrate.
Why do Ukrainians not like being late? They don't wanna be rushin
How do you know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish? He was shot in the temple.
I refuse to see movies that critics deem "fun for the whole family," because a lot of our grandparents are pretty racist.
So I was driving home from work and I saw what looked like a giant weasel It was humongoose.
I was confused why my college wanted me to report my Mexican friend to the police Then j realised they were just asking me to turn in my essay.
Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety medication? To prevent Hispanic attacks.
Where are average things built? In a satisfactory
My Jewish friend was having trouble with his homework..... I guess he needed more concentration.
What do you get if you cross a hedgehog  with a giraffe ? A long necked toothbrush !
The Republicans haven't got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
What do lesbians use to get on top of a building? A scissor lift.
wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him" doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs" me: "where will i keep my car keys"
chevy badge on a holdern upvote if you think they're gay
Trail mix? You mean M&M's with obstacles.
What dose a old lady got between her tits? Her belly button.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
good old family racism what do you call the leader of the black panthers movement? the maine coon
What kind of person are you if you open the door from the bottom of the door? A low-key person
Smoking 1: What Cures Smoking 2: Cancer
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that's what all my pants are now.
Anti joke Why did the boy drop his ice cream?? He got hit by a bus
What happens when the PS and XBOX servers go down? The ambulance comes lights and sirens, "WII-U WII-U WII-U" I'm sorry, I'll leave now ._.
Life is like a shower Fat people don't have very good ones
It's so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren't already inside their house.
You know the person in exercise videos that's doing the easy version of everything? I'm the guy behind that person eating chips.
People are always asking me for advice. I finally have some to give: Make every light switch a dimmer switch.
My girlfriend finished all my french fries... I couldn't KETCHUP.
A cicada crawled up my butt while I was sleeping last night. I'm not worried though. It'll come out in 13 years.
What do you do to a dog that doesn't obey your commands? You kill it.
If I don't get my IBS and anger issues figured out... I'm going to lose my shit.
Justin Timberlake visits the Ukraine. Where does he visit first? Crimea River
She doesn't follow Newton's law I give her a stare but she doesn't give me an equal and opposite reaction
At my funeral, I want them to play "Thriller" and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing. (wins at death)
Maybe I'm covered in chameleons right now. I'll never know for sure.
A man buys condoms at a drugstore ... The cashier asks "You need a bag with this?" and the man answers "No! She's not *that* ugly!".
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because seven was a registered six offender.
Whenever my car won't start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don't understand.
what do you call a 9 year old african boy crying on his knees Midlife crisis
I'm developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers' stories.
Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina? Realizing you only put 10 in
The NBA is like a box of crayons... they don't use the white ones.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don't have any kids.
Funny shit 52% of all women have used vibrators , the other 48% have new ones .
how many hitlers does it take to change a light bulb? nein edit: i dont know if this is posted before, it probably has but i thought of it myself, no hate :3
Oh, you don't like my Lego jokes? BLOCKED HAHA, get it?! *retires*
Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color? He had *a reptile dysfunction*.
Police have arrested a cat for robbery Guess they've identified the purrpetrator
What do tour call a man that is happy after performing oral sex on a woman Gladiator
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Don't mind me The real joke is always in the comments. I'm just waiting for it.
What is Bing's most searched word ? Chrome
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone knocking at your door for no apparent reason.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King... ...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
I work out So my relationships dont have to
Why don't seagulls ever fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.
I fractured my tailbone this morning. I guess you could say I was pretty butthurt.
What is brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr.Dre
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. 
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"
I double majored in TV and burritos.
I saw the strangest thing ever today. I threw a sausage off the pier and some blind man jumped in after it, then when he reappeared out of the water, he had transformed into a Labrador.
I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+ The hardest part is always having to act surprised.
A baby is like a bee farm I don't have one, but if I did, I would stay the fuck away from it.
Girls are like blackjack... Girls are like blackjack... I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
My handicapped girlfriend claimed she could arouse me at any moment but it's hard when she can't move an inch
Weekend special: What has 142 teeths and can hold back the incredible hulk? My zipper
Two fish are in a tank. One looks to the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
[elementary school] BULLY: gimme your lunch money ME: no B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher
I went to the dermatologist about something on my neck- -and they said I just needed to scrub it!!!
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?" "A choice" is a decision you make. "To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
I want a textbook wedding. One that costs way too much and is of no use to me later in life.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single.
Christopher Columbus: discovered nothing, kidnapped, enslaved & murdered natives & gets a national holiday honoring him? Well played, sir.
What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off an apologize.
How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party? Look for his footprints in the ice cream.
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack*, "Darn!" A skydiver goes "Darn!" *whack*
What did Jesus become after they nailed him to the cross? Holey.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking in a house fire
How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.
My kids are in Karate class and I'm just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.
Q: How many Italians does it take to change a  lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.
What does an Asian prostitute say to asbestos workers? Meso horny.
Anal with my girl friend made my whole week... It also made her hole weak
You know what Trump and the Note 7 have in common? You know it will blow up, just not when.
How many police chefs does it take to beat an egg None, the little brown bastard accidentally fell down the stairs.
*smashes into treehouse* Gimme all ur snacks! *kid reaches for cans on a string to make emergency call but I already snipped the string*
How do Mexicans cut their pizzas? With Little Caesars
DOG 911: what's your emergency? DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Why is yellow afraid of red? Because red blue green.
Q: What did one angel say to the other? A: "Halo."
The first rule of laziness is
What's the worst thing about Mexican and Black jokes? Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
this one is courtesy of a friend of mine... so did you hear about ku klux kineeval(sorry if ,misspelled)... ...he tried to jump 20 black guys while on a steamroller!
What is an injured persons favorite movie? Cast Away
Customer: How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered? Waiter: Well you know how slow turtles are.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics !
My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl's house after watching "How I Met Your Mother" with her.
what's a good pick-up line in a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?
One day Eddie Vedder and Bob Dylan got into an argument. nobody knows why.
Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate? They don't want to see their little boy grow into a fat man.
I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called "101 ways to improve your confidence". I couldn't buy it though, the cashier would have laughed at me......
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit-alot
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Any phrase can be banalized,by adding "if you know what I mean" at the end. EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean
Im going to make only Paula Deen recipes from now on... So when someone is like,"Oh that was great!!", ill know they're racist.
Everyone's switching from the iPhone 5 to the iPhone 6 for an extra inch ...I sure hope my girlfriend doesn't do the same.
If someone is a vegan, does crossfit, and has a rescue dog.... which one do they tell you about first?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Jokes What do you call a Mexican in a car
Having problems with my low-libido S.O., but last night she finally took one for the team! But when she got home she was completely exhausted and still didn't want to have sex with me.
A spice belt for chefs Might be a waist of thyme
My period is late .
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Why can't gay people play poker? Because they can't keep a straight face.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass
Knock Knock ...who's there? Smell mop Smell mop who?
What happens if a big hairy monster sits in  front of you at the movie theater? You miss most of the film.
Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p*rn. It's a fight to the finish now.
What do you call an edible ion? An onion
Because you crave something doesn't mean it's good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
How does a _____ (insert race, occupation, etc. ) find his goat in tall grass? Very satisfying
TIL The deadliest Medieval warrior was a Scottish tailor. ....He kilt thousands of people.
Why did the condom fly away? It got pissed off.
Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren't your pants. Give them back to your sister.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: Would you remarry if I died? Wife: Yes. Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile? Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Whats the difference between me and my couch My couch pulls out
Why is a Camel called the ship of the ship of the desert? It's full of Arab Seamen.
You'll know when it hits 0 degrees because all the Canadians will be wearing shorts, playing frisbee and BBQing outside.
What do a d20 and my penis have in common? Girls don't play with either of them.
Why an Irish man might vote for Donald Trump Because he thinks his Capital will keep on Dublin under his presidency
How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants. ^lol
Nothing is more intimidating to me than someone who genuinely enjoys the outdoors.
Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own? Because it's too tired.
The Biggest Joke Ever Team Fortress 2 competitive matchmaking.
I hate being a prominent political figure. No-one wants to date a guy with aides.
Who do you see winning the presidency in 4 years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
What is Beethoven's favourite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA
My crush said we can't be together because he's seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.
Who's bigger- Mister Bigger or Mister Bigger's baby? Well, Mister Bigger's baby's a just little bigger.
If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12.
My calendar says there's a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you'd think people would be more excited.
My mate Dave has changed a lot since his time in prison For a start he's not half as tight as he used to be.
A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"
if theres 'national public radio'? (npr) is there also 'private public schools'?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel] "Hi there. I couldn't help but notice-" *points at book* "That you support the murder of trees."
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb Just juan
Where did the Knights of the Round Table park their horses? In the Sir Lance Lot
I just read a list of 100 things to do before you die... Surprisingly enough, yell for help wasn't anywhere on it.
Ughh...7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends...7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I know the rule: if you're dreaming and you're about to pee, wake up! But last night I found myself about to pee on Emma Watson, and man, I just had to see where that one was going.
I went to a record store today. They advertised that they had hard-to-find records nothing was alphabetized.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his waist... Bartender says "Hey man, you have a steering wheel around your waist!? The Pirate replies "Yeah I know... It's drivin me nuts!".
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response", she responded.
Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a lesbian.
What do the twin towers and gender have in common? The Bush
I'm half black... Bottom half
"Hey, did you get a haircut today?" "No, I got all of them cut."
What do you say to two dust particles making out in the street? Get a broom, you two.
I bet if Leornardo DiCaprio has a kid... he names it Oscar so he can finally have one.
Why do you get when you cross a Rhino with a Panzer tank? A bloody mess
If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
My answer to everything today will be FUCK YOU, I'M AN ANTEATER!
Why can't Irishmen be lawyers? They can never get past the bar.
Where does He-Man keep his towel? BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.
Please don't tag me in photos where I'm not wearing my roller skates, I'm looking for a boyfriend.
Why did the girl fall off the swing? coz she has no arms.
Mechanics How can you tell a mechanic has just had sex? One of his fingers is clean....
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: "Where to?" Me: "oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."
Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes? Never 21
A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children". "That's a good deal!" he thought.
Why does Saturday stink? Because it has a turd in it.
What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant
"I spent 150 dollars on a penis enlarger and they sent me a magnifying glass."
Instead of playing FarmVille I just send blank email messages to myself and then delete them.
[dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
I don't think I will ever find a stable job... Because quite honestly I'm very uncomfortable around horses
Oops, I "accidentally" left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I'll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Math made simple: If you have $20 and your wife has $15, she has $35.
Why do pirates love sunny weather? Because there's lots of AYE ARRR (IR) radiation!
Someone just told me ignorance and apathy are the world's two biggest problems I didn't know that, but I don't really care.
Don't move leaves without their permission... That's rake.
How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you "Let's just be friends."
My wife doesn't like me to shave my face for the same reason I like her to shave her pussy She says it makes me look like a 12 year old.
My wife said she wouldn't have sex with me until I did everything on the "To-Do list" So I scratched out **#1** "*Wash the car*" and replaced it with "*Have a three-some with Becky and Wife*"
Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey. Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".
I think Chris Brown should be a storm trooper in the next Star Wars. Maybe he can actually hit somebody.
DRUG DEALER: what'll it be man ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please [at the surveillance van] DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I'm just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my dick up your ass.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
The EU has said that more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children. May I recommend swimming lessons?
I'm always extra nice to the guy who used to deliver my mail. I'd hate to get into a fist fight with an ex-professional mail boxer.
The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account.
Who is Monica Lewinsky's favorite football player? Ha Ha Clinton Dix
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem.
My wife was almost killed by a clock today, it fell onto the chair just as she stood up. Damn clock was always too slow.
You are more useless than... Stephen Hawking in a power cut.
What's big and green and sits in the corner? The Incredible Sulk!
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
What do you get if you cross a duck with a  firework ? A firequaker !
Hey people who say 'I want my funeral to be like this': what are you going to do about it if they don't do it like that?
The only thing grosser than finding a hair in your Velveeta cheese is knowing the ingredients inside Velveeta cheese & continuing to eat it.
I have an ear infection. It's called hearing AIDs.
A Roman walks into a bar... And he holds up two fingers. "Five beers, please," he asks.
The person who creates Taco Bell's menu must be the biggest pothead of all time.
[blind date is waiting nervously at the table] *I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*
MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That's how old you were three years ago.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I'd lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
What do dirty fish read? Prawno Magazines!
And now for the best horror game of the year! FNAF vs Slender:The Arrival! FNAF wins! (The FNAF fanbase will scream at us if we pick anything else)
WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I'M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360
Three guys walk into a bar. They pretend to hear each other for two hours and then go home
Really not liking this new Reddit app update. I'm going to be sharing it all day.
I hate graph jokes... Because I can never get the point.
Reddit is a meltigpot There are rants about melts and 420 blaze it *crickets chirping*
She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
I feel like if there ever was a zombie apocalypse I'm so numb to them at this point I wouldn't even bat an eye.
Why does the CPU never get any work done? Because it gets interrupted constantly.
If you ever go skydiving and your parachute doesn't open don't worry You have the rest of your life to fix it
What do you call a fight between a human and a gorilla? A harumble.
Helium walks into a bar The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here". Helium had no reaction.
Why was the lion cub sent to jail? It was a child predator.
I met my wife in Tinder. It was awkward. I didn't know she used it, too.
as a kid, there really wasn't anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
What does a soviet call someone with good vision? Glasnots.
How do you know your girlfriend is too young for you? You have to make airplane noises to put your dick in her mouth
Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet? Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*
What did the potato say to his lover? You have amazing eyes.
summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
How do you frighten a Bee? Sneak up behind it and yell BOO BEE!
What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde  ? A jet setter !
What did the people say about the eccentric poo? It was a little nutty.
What's the quickest way to lose pounds? The UK National Lottery!
isnt it so weird when youre thinking about someone and they suddenly appear? Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
You know what's so great about a Yankee? It's like a quickie, but you do it yourself.
My girlfriend is quite pessimistic about our sex life, but I'm a vagina half full kind of guy.
Want to hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.
As soon as the native american saw snow, he frowned and said I don't like the snow. It's white and it's on my land.
I asked my North Korean friend what life was like in North Korea "Can't complain", he said.
My friend used my stereo and it sounds like crap now I can't forgive its infidelity
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynaecologist have in common? Both of them can smell it but neither is allowed to eat it.
From my not quite 3yr old cousin. Q:Why did the doggy cross the road? A:To get to the bone! Q:Why did the bone cross the road? A: To get away!
2 queers walk past the city morgue.. 1st turns to the 2nd and asks " wanna stop in and suck down a cold one"
Why can't you play UNO with a mexican? They always steal the green card.
What "bus" crossed the ocean? Columbus.
How do you make a hormone? Kick her in the shin.
How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Oops.I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.
It's very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as "Your Majesty".
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...
If this isn't funny, I won't be able to live with myself I'll have to get another apartment.
Liverpool I've been to Liverpool and never walking alone is actually pretty good advice.
BREAKING: John Terry spotted changing into his full German kit.
Now then - what's an oxymoron?
How to Fall Down the Stairs Step 1 Step 3 Step 7, 9, 11, 13
What's the best part of a baker's body? Their buns.
Our family summer boat trips haven't been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Ate a hot dog at the food court today and four gay men gave me a standing ovation.
People complain about Facebook privacy settings, but I'm still standing 5 inches away from the guy in the urinal next to me.
Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
I'd tell a 9/11 joke... But the only two I know always fall flat.
migraine |my-grain| noun 1 a recurrent severe headache 2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
What's the difference between a whore and Nickleback? A whore doesn't always suck cock.
You're not fucking handicapped, you're fat. You should have a parking spot 6 miles away and be required to jumping jack to the store.
Q: Two Pretzels were walking down the street. A: One was assaulted.
What was the name of Gorilla's girlfriend Go-rilla
I was devastated to find my first love in bed with my own father. "We've been through this," said Mom.
What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I've never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don't do that.
Did you here about the man who was diagnosed with Parkinson's. He was pretty shaken up about it.
Have you seen that old movie about the KKK? I hear it's a real cult classic.
Half the fun of buying your child a piece-of-shit knock off game system is how mad they get when you refer to it as a "Playstation".
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Hey dude, can you make a pamphlet for me? For you bro? Sure.
Knock Knock Who's there? Allah Allah who? Allahu Ackbar! /r/unexpectedjihad
If you ever get cold Just stand in the corner of a room, they're about 90 degrees.
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic atheist... [Corny Meme](http://imgur.com/b0CrsHL.jpg)
God I'm so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
What do you call a murderer who pours their mike before the cereal? A cereal killer!
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
A lot of people say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... Stephen Hawking disagrees.
You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie... Because some of you should need to pick drama...
No matter how loud car alarms are, cars never seem to wake up.
My new years resolutions are: 1: Stop making lists. B: Be more consistent. 7: Learn to count.
[nail salon] Excuse me, do you do filing here? "Yes of course we do!" Great! I need a good refund *hands over tax forms*
I almost had a threesome yesterday... i just needed two more people.
Knock Knock.. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor Who? Yes.
I will never forget my grandpas last words. "Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!"
*1st date* [Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3] So where do y- *internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When someone asks "You know what I think?", I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.
What do you call the electronic process of making a sandwich? A sub routine.
What were Tarzan's last words? WHO GREASED THE VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEE.
Totally gonna fail the Black History test at the end of the Month.
Why are black men afraid of chainsaw's? When you start them, they made the sound "runnnniganiganiganiga" Sorry for the racism, but had to share this.
As long as you're good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina's family too.
I'm at a bar in the United States and there's still a lot of white people who are way too confident with their dancing abilities.
What kind of shoes do therapists wear? Issues.
Two little monkeys Jumping on the bed One fell off and Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
i was about to smoke a joint in the park but then i saw a sign that said "keep off the grass" and felt judged.
What do you call a race run by baristas? A **decaf**alon
I was going to write a gay joke.. ..butt fuck it.
What animals are poor dancers? Four-legged ones because they have two left feet.
I want to start a charity where terminally ill people can request to sleep with hollywood celebrities... I'll call it "Make A Wishbone"
A Master Baker is known to put a lot of himself into his work.
I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.
I heard they are digging up Micheal Jackson Gonna melt him down use the plastic to make toys, so little boys can play with him for a change.
Why was the tomato blushing? ...because he saw the salad dressing
Mexican Word of the Day... Ebola "Today he went bowling and ebola perfect game!"
[DIRTY] Eye exam Eye specialist: "Sir, you need to stop masturbating." &amp;nbsp; Patient: " Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?" &amp;nbsp; Eye specialist: "No. It's disturbing the other patients."
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummi bear.
The major difference between death and taxes  is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.
Is it wrecked or love My cell was 14 % and my gf cell was 97 % she put out my cell from charging and kept her cell and start playing temple run on my cell...
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple
If I had to lose any bodypart I'd lose my spine. It's really holding me back.
My friend asked me to name my top 5 Coldplay songs... And they were all yellow.
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield? It's rear end!
Fun Prank: Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They'll think they have a poltergeist and move
Favorite song What's a chinese chef's favorite song? I believe I can fry.
Titanic II: Jack Survives
All right, Mr. Bank Guy. My business plan is forcing my pregnant dog to drink beer so its puppies are deformed and I can make money off them
If your name is Susan, I surmise you're lazy. If your name is Tom, I posit you're a peeper. If your name is Jason, I automatically assume... YOU'RE A CUNT!!! NO! SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU, JASON!!!
I would tell you a good cheesy joke, But I lactase
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
incredibly rude how everyones out with their dogs rubbing in the fact they have a dog
In 'One Really Long Metal Claw' (the bear version of 'Hook'), what did Captain Onereallylongmetalclaw really hate? Clawcks.
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is... ...Mrs Fire.
Two condoms are walking down the street... The first one sees a Gay bar, turns to his friend, and says 'Hey, want to go in and get shit faced?'
"I propose a toast" "I propose a bagel." "Ya bagel, much better."
What do astronauts eat for dinner? Launch meat.
I've never met a weekend that I didn't like.
I found a very lucrative deal on the firearms section on Craigslist. A French MAS36 rifle. Never fired, dropped once.
Why wasn't the aeroplane invented in China? Because two Wongs don't make a Wright.
What was the bridge player's political view? No-trump!
Why do we never take the time to thank mislabeled concrete? It's mistaken for granite.
I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said NaBrO
Q: Older Brother: "Hooray! School's out! I'm free! I'm free!" A: Younger Brother: "So what? I'm four!"
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan
This ones for those college students and there finals This is really just a good analogy. Finals are like plastic surgery, you go in with A's and you come out with D's!
Introducing my girlfriend to the family Me: This is my girlfriend Jane Jane: Hi Wife: What the fuck
If an Italian could time travel, where would he go? To the Pasta.
If life gives you melons... ...you may be dyslexic.
A gymnast walks into a bar... He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chance of a medal.
*A coyote bites my leg in front of a girl I like but I wanna seem cool so I just keep walking and take it with me*
Did you hear Tarantino is making a documentary about the Catholic Church? It's called Pulpit Fiction
What happens when two oxen bump into each other? You have an oxident.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he's not coming.
What do you get when you cross a mountain and a desert? Very tired feet.
What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door? Triforce
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I always have to throw out my animal crackers. They always have that label: "Do not eat if seal is broken".
Who was the roundest member of Sir Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference. He at too much Pi. He ate approximately 3.142 slices
Son: Is it true? Dad I heard that in ancient China a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere son everywhere!
A man went to his doctor... Man: When i press here it hurts, when i press a little bit higher up it hurts and if i press on my leg it also hurts. Doctor: Looks like you broke your index finger.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
I've got Alzheimer's ....but atleast I don't have Alzheimer's.
What did Santa give the blind, autistic, paraplegic kid with down syndrome for Christmas? Cancer.
What do you call a pachyderm that has nothing to do with the situation? Irrelelephant. *...I'll show myself out*
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I'm familiar with commitment.
Which day is the most agreeable? Yesterday
What do you call a deer with no eye? No eye deer
At Dunkin Donuts- 8: Can I get choc. milk? Me: We have that at home. 8: We have coffee at home too... Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Sorry if this is a repost but I'm new here Why are hurricanes named after women's? Because they're wild and wet when they come but when they leave, they take the house and car.
The Better Paleo Diet I'm on the Paleo diet, except I'm the caveman who discovered Snickers.
You know how Feminists say, "The only thing men think about is sex." We also think "Should I risk it and not wear the condom?"
What does it take to be a president? Nothing
What's the difference between a tornado and a redneck divorce? Nothing. Either way they're losing the trailer.
Why was the floppy disk self-conscious? Because it was FAT.
It's funny how you can tell when someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you.
The Artist Formally Known As... Alive.
I'm not crying. I'm just watering my moustache.
Oh man almost forgot the trash *takes trash out, a nice little sushi place* This is great *sees wife there with the recycling* WHAT THE HELL
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day... Teach a man to microwave a fish and he'll lose the respect of all his co-workers.
What do people with two left feet wear? Flip flips
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? ...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
Did you hear about the man who was half  Jewish & half Italian? He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.
Classic Insult Boyfriend: Can you be the moon of my life? Girlfriend: Awww Yes sweetheart..! Boyfriend: Great! then Stay 9,955,887.6 kms awy from me..!!
What is a dark comedy? A black guy with small ^dick.
If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat.
I love Summer. Two weeks of doing absolutely f*ck all. And, once my boss gets back, I get to go on holiday as well.
I haven't had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I hate when I'm singing and some idiot thinks they can join in with me... this is not Glee.
A feminist and a reddit admin walk into a bar... Just kidding, they couldn't fit through the door.
I'm pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
A man's wife died. friend asked what happend He said, she fell out from windows; as she was not drinking the poison.
Most Contradictory Inspirational Quote Ever? "Follow Your Dreams." -Freddy Kreuger, 2016
What's white, blue , and red all over? REDdit.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs] "in a few years its gonna be really cold" *hands them mixtape* "you're gone need this"
How long does it take to build a castle? A Fortnight
What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the baker who became a fisherman? He's reeling in the dough!
I'm a Mime rapper I call myself Gnat. Cause I'm a silent G.
Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
My Favorite Native American Joke Smoke, Smoke, No Smoke, No Smoke, Smoke, No Smoke, Smoke, Smoke, Smoke? Smoke, Smoke, No Smoke, Smoke!
"At your cervix, m'lady" - me as an OBGYN and also just me
I have a crush on a girl with a lazy eye But she won't even look at me..
Why should you never trust a whale with your secrets? They're huge blubbermouths.
Ever hear about the Roman general who had a fit every time there was cold weather? Hail.. seizure
Jews spell their god's name "YHWH" ... ... because they're too cheap to 'buy a vowel'.
Why are dragons so tired? Because they fight knights!
Learning karate in case I'm ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I told my kids 10 good dad jokes to see if any of them would make them laugh. But no pun intended.
I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands... Clunk. These are heavy.
Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair  of water-skis? A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
"So Sherlock..." asked Watson, "I forget, what was your highest degree of education?" "Elementary, my dear Watson."
A Mexican magician says: "on the count of three, I will disappear..." and he went: "onu, dos..." and POOF! he disappeared without a trace
Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret? The panties were half off
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party! Patient: But my birthday's not till next month Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? Their making headlines!
Incest... A game the whole family can play!
League of Legends Solo Queue
Whats the perfect place to hide a body on the internet? The second page of a youtube search.
What's big, yellow, and can't swim? A schoolbus full of children.
Why is it a bad idea to swim in the Mississippi River? Because it has pp in it.
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.
Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk.
What do you call a watermelon in California? A melon
How can you tell if there is a pilot in the room? He will tell you.
Sorry I got us kicked out of your niece's dance recital for blowing my airhorn too much
My gf asked me if I'm cumin I said no, 'cause your papwreaksa
Remember that time Hitler had a juice cleanse?
What do you call a man-eating tiger? A tiger.
What does a terrorist in Antarctica say? Allahu Akburrrrrr
I hate when her husband comes home early. She says I'm the pool boy. And I spend the next few hours cleaning the pool. This is BULLSH!T!
What do you call an epileptic leper taking a bath? Porridge.
How many mexicans can you fit in a bus? All of them.
Being married is like playing cards If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
If Donald Trump becomes president and keeps up his shenanigans, he could be the first president to be impeached. It would be an un-presidented event in American politics.
Why do Irishmen grow mustaches? So they look like their mothers
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I feed my cat lemons. He's a real sour puss.
I tried to open a store that specialized in leather made from cow nipples... It was an udder catastrophe
Why do the ladies love Jesus so much? Because he comes twice and he was hung like this: (spread your arms like you're on the cross)
I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch". You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.
How would you describe frankenstein's birth? Shocking!
Did you hear about the man who was into asphyxiation and vegetables? He liked being artichoked.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Did you hear the one about the guy with five dicks? His pants fit like a glove!!
"What's The Pink Panther's favourite type of jacket?" "No idea." "Denim." "Denim?" "Denim denim denim denim denim..."
Drunk Welsh man walks into a bar A drunk welsh man walks into a bar. How many women are pregnant at the end of the night? None, but I wouldn't eat the lamb!
I choked on a carrot earlier and all I could think of is that a donut wouldn't have done that to me.
Did you guys hear about gay 9/11? Never faget.
Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
Who called it a "backpack" and not, "the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex."
What did the pro bono plastic surgeon say to their patient on Dec 31st? Happy new ears Eve!
Fancy coming back to mine for a few shots ? Fuck off Oscar, I'm not falling for that one!
What do Russians call their barbers? Combrade
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream 'SURPRISE' directly in my cat's face
Did you hear about the kleptomaniac with no sense of humor? He took everything literally
What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
Q- How many billionaires does it take to make Batman A- Three. Two to die and one to never get over it. I heard this in the game Arkham Knight
If it weren't for twitter I wouldn't know what it feels like to go unnoticed. Just kidding, I'm married. I know exactly how that feels.
Someone said to me today that my clothes are gay. I said yeah, they came out of the closet this morning.
What do you call a shape that's always worried? A paranoid. (Wooo maths jokes)
How does trump fire a gun? He tells the bullet it's fired.
What's it called when a fedora wearing neckbeard gets sick? M'alady
i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood.... I saw the photos - we need to talk.
Which band does rockclimbers listen to ? Rolling Stones
If Russia tried to take Turkey from behind... ... do you think Greece would help ?
What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad? I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.
Do you like surfing the net? Oh yes I've really taken a shine to it. (Moon to Sun)
How does a gay guy remove a condom? He farts
What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.
Starting chatting to a 14 year old girl online... Started chatting to a super sexy and flirty 14 year old girl online, and she just told me she's an undercover cop.... How fucking cool is that!
Just saw a dude with a row of pimples that looked exactly like a sick handlebar moustache. Nice one, puberty.
What do you call an important Australian? A significunt
Never date an apostrophe... they can be possessive.
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should've cooked it on aloha temperature..
[Nerd joke] What do trespassers have in common with logical fallacies? They both violate the rules of the premises.
Wife: how'd you get that burn on your arm?? Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That's not very Thanksgiving-y. ME: Well, it's about family...
Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer? A: You get a short circut.
Bought an elephant for my friends So I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said "Thank you." I said "Don't mention it."
My favorite drawings at the Mohammad cartoon festival in Texas... were the two chalk outlines out front.
I don't understand why we give bad kids coal. Isn't coal what minors want?
Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example, Ben is in a hurry. Ben is in a coma.
Birdshit Why do birds fly upside down over Australia? Because it's not worth shitting on.
My neighbor knocked on my door at  2 am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."
What do you call a migrant in space? illegal alien
My doctor said I had an iron deficiency and I asked him how he could tell. He pointed at my crinkled shirt.
Man, Trump has gotten a tremendous amounts of votes... Would be a shame if someone deleted them
A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
If a quiz is quizzical what is a test?
What do you call a Greek Magician? Abra Kebabra
Knock. Knock knock. Knock knock knock. Knock knock knock knock knock. Who's there? Fibonacci.
It's funny how my doorbell starts working when I'm expecting a pizza delivery.
NHK reported on the massive American erection yesterday... and apparently there will be a bigger one in two years.
Studies show that on average 2 students in every fourth grade class can't count properly. It's usually one to three.
A priest, a pedophile and a homosexual walk in to a bar... And that was just the first guy.
A baby seal walks into a club... ...
"The auditors have just left  sir." "Did they check the books?" "Very thoroughly." "What did they say?" "They want 15% to keep quiet."
the chinese food place by my work is dangerously close to being added to my 'never again' list after finding a human tooth in my food
Totally going to buy a tiny pet crow for myself. Gonna call it Micro.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant... But then i changed my mind.
The dishwasher is making weird noises. Probably because she's outside chopping firewood.
Did you know Diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans. ba dum tss.
George Bush
You know what happens when you put the toilet seat up? that's the joke
Lifetime TV. For women whose own lives aren't depressing enough.
"You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?" "I'm just here to take out the trash." "Whoa, we'll get to your catch phrase later."
why does it take so long for a pirate to learn the alphabet? the could spend years at sea
1 We must strive to disconnect gender norms from career choices. It is my hope that the next generation is better, that Secretary Kerry's grandchildren never feel the embarrassment his children feel.
A black guy willing to hold a frisbee, smile and sit on some grass with white kids can make a career out of appearing in college brochures.
People without kids: I'll never yell at my kids People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
What type of tea is hard to swallow? Reality
What's the difference between Batman, and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin. Ba-Dum-Tis!!!!!!!
What do you call a Muslim father who works at a supermarket? a Baghdad
A couple have a terrible accident and they both end up blind The guy turns to his girlfriend and whispers in her ear: I'm sorry, but we can't see each other anymore.
When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.
Back in my day, I used to have to walk 4 miles to the nearest store. Because I had too many DUIs.
I mailed my letter to Santa today. It was an index card that said "not AIDS."
A man with a wooden leg marries a woman with a wooden eye on their honeymoon she asks him if he wants to fool around. He replies, would I! she spits out peg leg
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I'm not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That's just ridiculous
Why did the mathematician move to Seattle? He liked LaGrange bands
What's the difference between a Mexican and a bench? The bench can support a family of four.
What does a catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common.....They both came in a little behind
I have a condition that I eat when I can't sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? U... Because U keep reposting this joke.
I'm done telling racist jokes because... Once you tell Juan you tell Jamal
I'm hospital for an appointment and I saw a toddler playing with a donkey toy. ICU baby, shaking that ass
Did you hear the one about the shipwreck where only the limbless mute survived?
I was in a flash mob once. We'd mainly just hold people at gunpoint until they updated their Adobe.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee. Free.
BARTENDER: I think you've had enough sir. DRUNK: I just lost my wife buddy! BARTENDER: Well it must be hard losing a wife.... DRUNK: It was almost impossible!
Why do black people from west Africa never go on cruises? They're not falling for that again.
"I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losin' control." Buddy, you got stomach flu.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
AMA Request: Adolf Hitler
Hitler was not very athletic. He never finished a race.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I don't hold grudges. My father held grudges, I always hated him for that.
I sometimes dream of a rivers of orange soda But it's just a fanta-sea
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn't act like five year olds?
Hills have eyes... They also have "L"s
Asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog & Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
What did One Direction say when they became popular? Zayn Ma Luck
Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because "10 and 2" is 12
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock, with a mouth full of cock, to find out Jill's real name was Randy.
If comedy is tragedy plus time... The holocaust is the funniest thing ever.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? to get to the other side.
A new TV program to be filmed about asylum seekers in the UK... The Great British Fuck Off starts next week.
Two pigs went to a party, one got boared and came home.
So, my mate Vincent cut his ear off and his wife asked him why? He just told her " I guess I just had to 'let it Gogh'. EDIT: removed the u from gogh
My daughter asked if I am going to die someday... I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Judge: jury, how do you find the defendant? Me: [whispering] dude, he's like...right there. Judge: there's no talking Me: [pointing]
Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it's two tired.
Three guys walk into a bar together... You would've thought at least one of them would have seen it!
I asked my immigrant Asian parents if they knew what Roe v. Wade was. "Umm... the decision we had to make when we came to this country?"
What did the human call the bee after it stung him? An ass hole
how many hipsters does it take to put in a lightbulb? its a realy obscure number, you've probably never heard of it
What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic
"I like cooking my family and my pets." Use commas. Don't be a psycho.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton
[Bar] "Two long necks please" Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just- Giraffe's wife: Cliff, he didn't mean anything by it please sit down
I just discovered a subreddit called /r/abs Turns out it wasn't about arabic culture.
What's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursELF
Why would Bill Cosby make a great lawyer? The proof is in the pudding
I just dropped 15 pounds! But don't worry, I unplugged the toilet afterwards.
Why shouldn't you be friends with a broken clock? Because it won't even give you the time of day.
I'm agnostic. What happens to me when I die? Idk. (I decay)
A funny knock knock joke I've heard awhile ago... *knock* *knock* who's there? Doctor Doctor who? ...exactly!
What do you call a psychic on /b/? A 4Chan-Teller
I was really upset today but then a friend said "don't be upset" so now I'm not upset anymore
What's Dee Barnes favourite headphones? Beats by Dre
Her: "How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!" Me: "I know, I'm completely exhausted."
At A Bar A very large group of photons walked out of a bar. The bartender looked up, and saw nothing.
Apparently telling the principal that "it's not cheating, it's cooperative learning" was the wrong thing to say.
The U.K. Summarized in two sentences. "No Scotland, you cannot leave the UK." "Hey Scotland, let's leave the EU."
If you are Bipolar... ...does it means that you can claim that you are from the North and the South Poles ?
i can't wait til my boyfriend breaks up with me im gonna eat so much ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
As a gay man with a background in the arts, there's precious little to keep me occupied in prison. To be honest, I just get bored.
Last year's Christmas pudding was so  awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink? Me: Yes, it's a period piece.
Ladies, the word for the day is "legs." Spread the word.
What does an American actor say when going to Europe? Let's go PAL.
This old dude from Europe is everywhere. The one that is making everybody cry.
i imagine having sex with bill cosby is alot like a Ronda rousey fight. it's terrifying, some poor girl ends up being unconscious, and it only lasts about 30 seconds
Ask me about my vow of silence.
A naked man broke into a church this morning... After a 30 minute chase, the police finally caught him by the organ.
My Accounting Teacher Told Us This One Today If your debits and credits don't equal, then your assets in jail.
Two paratrooper recruits in a plane: - Are you crazy Vasily? You are going to jump without a parachute. - Is it mandatory to wear it? - Sure. It's raining outside.
Why do we call the office printer Bob Marley? Cause it's always Jammin'
I think I could make a pretty decent living as one of those people in infomercials who have immense difficulty performing everyday tasks.
Remember folks, beauty... Is only a light switch away.
What did the man say when he saw a dancing soup container? That can can can-can!
If you're gay in the Muslim world you are fucked..
two blondes... ...are chit chatting. "I slept with a Brazillian!" "Wow, how many is that?"
You know, I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.... then it dawned on me.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica.... Long story short....Send bail money...
what do you call an animal that's neither a herbivore nor a carnivore?? an om-nom-nomnivore
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents. Not Sorry.
What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? Automobile.
A nude man walks into a doctor's office. A nude man walks into a doctor's office wrapped in Cellophane from head to toe. The doctor says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."
Why did no one laugh at the hot dogs joke? Because it was too cheesy. I work at a hot dog stand and tell this from time to time.
What's black and white and goes on eight wheels? A nun on roller skates. - kills self
Ive decided to run a marathon for charity I didn't want to do it at first, but apparently it's for blind and disabled kids so I think I've got a good chance of winning.
Bad advice to give a kleptomaniac... "You should really take something for that."
In mother Russia..... .... Joke is you.
[in the park] ME: aww look a baby WIFE: is it on me?! ME: um no it's in a stroll- WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT'S ON ME
[commercial] WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim? NARRATOR: geese
I wanted to crack a joke on cooking utensils... ...but it didn't pan out.
"911 what's ur emergency" This guy's not breathing "Did u send him ur vibes?" Yes I been sending em "I'm sending some too" Okay he good now
My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.
A drug dealer sold me his shoes today I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day
My farts are so strong..... I can make bubbles in the shower!
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Why can't motorcycles go faster? They're two tired.
Why couldn't the man leave Moscow? He was Snowden.
My name is Steven But the bank calls me Owen. Owen Lotts.
The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials. On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?
how do you know Jesus was a virgin? Could you keep it up knowing you'll be screaming "Oh my dad" during sex?
I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I'll never lose it again. Your move Apple.
There's something about pressing F5... Thats just so refreshing
If your tweet says "I'm at a bar getting drunk again" with "via web" below it, what do you think are the chances I'm going to believe you?
I got my first A+ on a test today... It was a blood test...
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I'd like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My son was kicked out of school when a girl came in and wanked him off... I said, "Son, that's 3 schools already... Maybe teaching isn't for you."
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
My neighbors listen to good music. Whether they want to or not!
*lights scented candle* *accidentally burns down house* *everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*
Who will stop Donald Trump? The First Amendment people.
The US won gold in shooting They have good schools for it
A blind man walked past the fish store. He said "Hi, girls."
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
I have to say, I prefer audio books to written books I don't know why. I guess they just really speak to me.
ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone sack time!!
Why did Leonardo di Caprio want Steve Harvey to host the Oscars? He'd get it.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I like my coffee how I like my slaves Free
What do you call a pre-historical human who wanders around too much? A Meanderthal
if you want a woman to settle down with you be a cat
So, I Robbed a Bank Last Week Disguised as a Muppet, It was the First Time I Kermit-ted a Crime
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scot? One says "hey, you, get off of my cloud", and the other says "hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe".
Dear England, Now you know what it feels like when you're out of Europe against your will. Scotland.
How can you tell if a loaf of bread is a boy or girl? Feel around for the dough nuts
What do you call the reptile that started the fight? The insti-gator.
What's the difference between Spartacus and Hannibal Lector One of them's a gladiator, and the other is glad he ate her!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Canoe ! Canoe who ? Canoe come out and play with me ?
*girl calls me daddy* *hammer appears in my hand* "oh no" *I start building a deck* "what have you done" *grill turns itself on*
Did you hear about the constipated chancellor of the exchequer? He couldn't budge-it!
I was armed to the teeth. Now most of my teeth are gone. Let's just say I filed an assault case.
What do you get when you burn down Woolworths? Coles.
Where do hamsters come from ? Hamsterdam !
Whoever said "The best things in life are free" obviously knew a very unsuccessful coke dealer.
If I were really famous, I wouldn't even need body guards. These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.
Invisible man married invisible woman.......Their kids were nothing to look at either!!
Did you hear about how the Police were called to a daycare yesterday? a three-year-old was resisting a rest
How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.
It's not possible to have a 12 inch penis... because then it would be considered a foot.
Had a fight with a money wasp once I got a *paysting*
Why do Jews watch porn backwards? Because they like to climax at the part when the hooker gives the money back.
News said how hard it'd be to shoplift a turkey. Amateurs. It's all about commitment. *stuffs turkey under shirt* *whines that back hurts*
What's a prostitute's favorite position? Whore-izontal. Zing! This has been a productive day at work.
Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha. "I replied, 20 x 0 = 0."
What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?"
My mexican friend told me he is far sided, I said so does that mean you cant see far away? to which he replied &gt;"No, I *quinceanera*"
Knock Knock Who's there ? Comic ! Comic who ? Comic and see me sometime !
How did the pastry chef do on the donut-making exam? She passed with frying crullers.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
What's the best part of being a necrophiliac? In the bedroom, it doesn't take much effort to make your lover's jaw drop.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Cockinasoreass. (Better when said aloud)
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Some poems rhyme, this one doesn't
I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
Which Pokemon got a cold? Pik-a-choo.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones: 1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
Why are squirrels actions so sexual? They are always trying to bust a nut
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a lockpicker. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a lockpicker. We should break it off." Me: "But then it might get stuck inside the lock!"
I've been waiting for almost half a year to post this this
Why do they call them "country bumpkins"? Because in the country, you bump your kin!
How did the pepper end up getting killed? A salt with deadly weapon
Sex is like maths.. Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
What does a man call a gorilla he loves? Haram Bae
What is Harry Potters favourite way to get down a hill? Walking. Jk. Rolling
I went to a feminist picknick today... ...it was great, apart from the fact that no-one made any sandwiches.
She's so ugly, she made a freight train take a dirt road!
"Dear Hotels, stop hiding your electrical outlets. I don't want to move a bed or table to charge something." - Everyone
What is eternity? Two self-conscious guys taking a shit in a public restroom.
Now I don't know if this is racist but a black guy walks into a bar.... The barman goes 'wow where'd you get that?' To which the parrot goes 'Africa'
DON'T ARGUE WITH ME I READ THE HEADLINE OF AN ARTICLE I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
I don't like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.
What was the victim of the car crash wearing? A Casualty (Casual-Tee, as in Tee-Shirt) 100% Guraneed Originality You can know for sure I made it up because of how corny it is...
"Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me." -Alcohol
Why was the first computer never invited to dinner? It would just take a few bytes then run.
I'll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
If two Homeless people are hitting each other with a cardboard boxes... Is it a pillow fight?
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What do you call 5 black people having sex? A threesome
What's the difference between cats and dogs? Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
What do you call a movie about artificial orange juice? Pulp Fiction
Why did the funeral director cover his mouth? he kept coffin
Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?
Our Ideal candidate: -Minimum 3,000 years exp. -Must have 8 PhD's -Speak Klingon 80 hrs a week $7.15 an hour Must be passionate about work!
DNA What do you get when you mix human and goat DNA? [Kicked out of the zoo.](/spoiler)
Well, I just broke my personal best time by wearing a white shirt 13 minutes before getting a stain on it.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces* Lois Lane: "What the heck?? Who are those people up there?"
LPT: When Reddit is down it is a perfect time to do something away from your computer, like for example crying in a corner Well Reddit was down and I had to do something
Only three things are infinite The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.
Finally finished carving GOOGLE EARTH CAN SUCK IT - plus a rude emoticon - into the face of a massive cliff. Now... we wait.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there's a horse there, the queen is watching.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade.....
while out today at a restaurant... my waitress had a black eye. so when i ordered i made sure i talked verrrryyyy slowww obviously she wasnt a good listener.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Knock Knock. Who's there? *Doctor* Doctor who? *Actually, it's just "the doctor".*
 What do you think about sex before marriage?  Well, as long as it doesn't delay the ceremony...
What's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack? The lumberjack has a job.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump's account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[shopping for make-up] "Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?" "I know exactly what you need." [boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
What do you call a stoned pig? Baked Ham
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever - not dying. Score.
If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain... ...can a hooker get laid off?
When people say 'oh, you're still single?' I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married?' I'm popular.
After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names... 
"Bigotry" -an Italian guy describing an oak
I wanted to tell you a joke about egoists... but I'll keep that one for myself.
How does Gandalf know he's pregnant? A wizard is never late.
I admire the way that, even with millions of followers, celebrities on Twitter rarely succumb to the pressure to be funny.
What's in Poison Ivy's underpants? Tulips.
How do you disappoint a pack of redditors? [removed]
Give a man a fire, and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What did the fat math teacher say after a large Thanksgiving dinner? (-1)/8! Edit: I clearly don't know how to math.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey "poor choice of words" Stevens] Joey: "I just couldn't get that guy to go down on me."
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has it's pricks on the outside!
What do you call a super kind man who spends too much time on the beach? A tangent
Why did the man get dumber after he fixed the potholes in the road? Because he re-tarred it.
ant-man: im here to stop u bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid] ant-man: motherf
How many dragon Ball z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but it'll take at least 6 episodes!
Coworker:I'll take care if it. *Translation* You're gonna take care of it. You just don't know it yet.
Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... Was aiming a little high...
What are your thoughts on new soup technology? I say Progresso at any cost.
How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb? Two! one to change the light bulb and the other to rotate the universe!
Girls really shouldn't wear animal print clothing... ...if they're bigger than the said animal.
"Sorry, I have to take this call." "That's a banana. And it's half eaten." *covers banana with hand "I don't tell you how to do business."
Girlfriends are expensive but so is my drug habit.
I'll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
When I call you Hun, it's short for Atilla.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen's clubs.
I played a game of poker with a leper. He threw his hand in.
Did you hear about the middle eastern clowns? ISIS
I'd tell you the joke about the philosopher but I think only a Nietzsche audience would understand it.
I want to open a clock shop... The commercials will say: "I sell some of the finest wrist timepieces around. Don't believe me? Just watch."
Believe in yourself. Build a religion around yourself. Canonize your quotidian tasks. Build idols of yourself in your best outfits.
My fencing teacher must've been a redditor He kept shouting 'That's a riposte! That's a riposte!'
What's black, blue, and red all over? The Grudge at a rave.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Remember when parents said "I'll give you something to cry about" & were scared they'd hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen? Snow balls!
"Twilight" is the timeless story of a girl who must choose between ripped abs or clingy dependency.
Have you been on /r/bigdickproblems ? Of course you haven't.
At my new job I have 500 people under me. I mow grass at a cemetery.
[sketchy parking lot] stranger: hey man, can you jump my car? me: maybe if i get a running start
My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
(During sex) Pull my hair! No! Just the grey ones.
There are two types of people in the world. Those who understand ROT26... ...and those who don't.
You know, that Poisson distribution is really strange. It's just not Normal.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fish.
What do banks and the US government have in common? They both deal with checks and balances.
What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
What did the dumb Electrical Apprentice say to the journeyman? I conduit
Russian Standard is a vodka and American Standard is a toilet. Russians are all drunks and Americans are all full of shit.
What did the green grape said to the purple grape? BREATHE, GOD DAMMIT!! BREATHE!!!
A man decides to go to the zoo There was only a dog there. It was a shih tzu.
Love is overrated it's only 5 pts in Scrabble.
What is the Difference Between Your Nearest Bus Station and a Crab With a Boob Job? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I'm so tired, I just typed a tweet into my GPS. It responded with directions to my day job.
Teacher: What is the difference between lightning and electricity? Alexander: I know  you do not have to pay for lightning.
Why couldn't the teddy bear eat any more of its dinner? It was stuffed.
What's the one advantage if Hillary Clinton is elected President? We'll only have to pay her 77 on the dollar
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? *Christopher Walken*
I took my turtle for a walk. It's been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.
I went for a meal at my local Chinese restaurant "Mysterious Ways" yesterday... ...I don't even like Chinese food but I thought I'd check it out because people keep telling me that God works there.
My grandfather died during the Holocaust He fell off a guard tower.
The owner of the local pet store let me take a test fish home to see if I'd like one as a pet... ...It was a beta
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? Ten: one to screw it in and nine to say, "Pssh, I can do that."
LISTEN FOR YOURSELF Has anyone else but me noticed that while Rice Krispies still go snap, crackle, and pop, Cocoa Krispies are speaking Ebonics
[coffee shop] *casually puts arm around wife* *reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen* *changes last "i" to an "e", draws downward arrow*
How do you know when a black woman is pregnant? When you pull out her tampon and all the cotton is picked.
DOGS TAKE THEIR LICKS Q: Why do dogs lick themselves? A: Because they can.
Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he's solving a mystery.
Ladies, if you're over 50, you may wanna rethink the cowboy hat. It's terrifying.
If you are scared of pedophiles Grow up.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
How do we know that Adam wasn't a black man? Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man!!?!
Everyone's awkward shines a little brighter on an elevator.
When someone asks you to give an example of an idiom Just tell them you can't recall any from the top of your head.
Hamlet gets a cough So, Hamlet is admitted to a hospital for a cough. He asks the doctors: "TB or not TB"
Islam is a religion of peace Piece of you here, piece of you there
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets* WE ARET HROUGH maybe it's an anagram *rearranges* ROUGH WEATHER whoa better pack an umbrella
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low? General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I'm okay with most drugs... But cocaine is where a draw the line.
"14 years, 20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope." "You mean Collider?" "Oh shit!"
My ex said that relationships were about sacrifice. But she still screamed when she saw the bloody goat on the altar.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Went to a meeting of the Tibetan Ungulates society...... Didn't like it though. It was all "Yak yak yak"
What do you call someone with spasms and bladder problems? A twitch streamer.
I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay's Potato Chips!
You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.
Good ol' misogynistic joke What do you call a woman with two black eyes? Two good fucking lessons taught.
Why was the baby Honeydew sad? Because it was Meloncholic
What do mentally retarded parents give their kids? Hand me Downs.
Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.
How are the homeless like votes? Republicans have them thrown out.
I can smell shit, but I can't find it.
How Long is a Chinese guy.
My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear  when they turn round I'm wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten. I call it Shock and Awwww!'
Why did the student do their multiplication problems on the floor? Their teacher told them not to use tables!
Sucks when good bands have dumb names. "What are you listening to?" "It's Made Out of Babies, they're really great." "..."
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie "Seven" with me and Morgurt Freeman? Doctor: I think you mean Morgan Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
Thanks, Santa! I totally wanted a hangover!
I like my oreos like I like my people... ...held under the surface till the bubbles stop.
Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.
[Guy on the Death Star who's really sick of hearing Vader's breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I'm going to put on some music
As a non-english native redditor ... Edit: grammer
What is the difference between Jamaicans and Jewish people? Their reaction when someone asks if they want to get baked.
What do you call a fat person who likes trance music? Trans fat
What did the fish say when it hit a wall? Dam.
If three men are arguing about whether to be known as Jews, Israelis, or Hebrews... ...would you say they're just arguing Semitics?
I haven't talked to my wife in 8 months... I didn't want to interrupt
How does Dr. Dre like to be told a story? Chronic-logically.
You shoulda never challenged me to a rap battle, Kim Jong Un! I'm about to end this man's whole Korea.
A clown and a little girl walk through a dark forest. The girl says, "I'm scared!" The clown replies, "you think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
What did the buffalo say to his son when he came out to be bisexual? It's okay, we're Bi-son.
The last stall in the bathroom at work Has a really, noisy creaky door when you open it. There's some scary shit going on in there.......
What do the Brits say when there's actually blood on something?
Best year of my life! Last year was the best year of my life. Broke my neck and I have never looked back since.
Don't hear many Limerick jokes any more. So I wrote one. There was a man named Johnathan Hicks, who liked to write limericks. But his Poems were crude, and many lewd, so his balls were often kicked.
How do you make a 90's kid mad? The game.
It's all fun and games It's was all fun and games until Trump got elected. Now it's a riot!
So I got a new job, and at the interview they told me I would be making millions... I'll be working at the U.S. Mint.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[breaks into your house] [steals your shoes] [walks a mile in them] [judges you]
My grandfather's new 21 year old wife denies she's a gold digger but I think it's a little suspicious she married him less than a week after his death.
Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at Sports Authority? Cuz he likes Dicks.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.95, Deer nuts are under a buck.
Why was the guitar teach arrested? For fingering a minor.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks? *rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Why can't feminists change a light bulb? Because no matter how many you have they still can't change shit.
Have you ever tried using a broken pencil? No? Well don't try. It's pointless.
The Bible is %100 accurate Especially at close range
In case I ever get diabetes, I want to be sure that I'll be comfortable with injecting myself, so I practices by injecting sugar water.
I got my beautiful wife a lovely woolie hat and a coat for Christmas. She's gonna need it because I've just lost our house to gambling.
"Let me get them digits." - creepy accountant
I am trying to come up with a joke about the Patriots not winning the Super Bowl but.. I keep having a giant problem with the punchline
What do you call a White Woman that has had over 4 Abortions? Income Equality activist
Birds can be dangerous. Do you know what's the primary risk that woodpeckers pose to women? Splinters.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Japan stays in Japan Until she turns 18, that is.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Why was Harry Potter hufflepuffed after his date with Hermione? She wouldn't let his ravenclaw slytherin her Gryffindor.
Turns out buying that meth lab on craigslist was illegal
29 months? Yeah, no, I meant how old is your kid in HOURS.
"Good luck with your little skits!" -Shakespeare's mom.
[AMA request] A person living in an electricity-free Amish community.
What's the difference between a lonely person getting trolled and a wanted sexual offender? Ones a pranked Redditor, the other is a ranked predator.
I'm a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I'm Usain Bolt.
I have decided to become a dolphin... It is my true porpoise in life
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me? Me: No but you're now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Reddit is like my ideal woman with double D's
In 1976, my friend asked me when's the last time I had sex... I replied, "1950" He responded, "that's a long time ago.." And I said, "not really, it's only 2150 now."
Tonight you will be bound and beaten until you almost loose consciousness and your tear ducts are dry Sorry wrong sub
Life is not a FAIRY TALE. If you lose your shoes  at midnight, YOU ARE DRUNK
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans can't milk a cow for 15 years.
Men in Black 3 is in theaters and 3 black men are in a Kardashian.
If you need a distraction from the election there is a new American reality TV series starting soon. It's called The White House. Apparently the lead actor has been given a 4 season contract.
I don't always roll a joint... But when I do it's my ankle.
Bad news: I just stepped on the cat. Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.
Cold turkey tastes so good. Why would anyone want to quit it?
Mother: Let me see your report son. Son: Here it is Mother but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping  me !
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would've enjoyed it.
What do the state of California and BDSM dungeons have in common? Nothing butt restrictions (thanks twitter.com/sorryforthelolz)
QUEM TEM CHEFE E INDIO NHOQUE EP 1 (trilha sonora para youtube) Aprenda nada sobre cozinha
If the British had won, today we'd all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
What's the difference between a prostitute and a crack dealer? A prostitute can sell her crack over and over again.
Some people They're kind of like STDs , at first you don't like them, and then they start to grow on you.
People tell me I have ADHD Wanna ride bikes?
Some pretzels are totally weird... They're knot for eating.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? They like 50% off everything
[OC] My therapist asked me what was my earliest erotic remembrance and I told him it was wearing my mother's lingerie when I was a child. he said it was probably a Freudian slip.
"Oh, THANK GOD. I'm still a dog"  What dogs probably think when they wake up from one of their little nightmares
Your father is so absent... When I Google searched him it returned: Error 404 Not found.
Invite everyone you know over for dinner. Set the table really fancy. Serve 6 courses that are just mayonnaise in different bowls/plates
Why did France really surrender to Germany? *Hitler was being Vichy.* [Just thought of this earlier in the shower... Had gas ever since.]
Why the population in India is exploding these days? Because everyone over there is doing IT!
Why kind of motorcycles do cows ride? Mooooootorcycles!
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ? A petticoat !
I go for chubby girls because they can't run away
If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Genocide.
When you whistle at a bird, it's as offensive to them as saying "ching chong ding dong" to a Chinese person.
What's cold and comes in April? Her dad.
When I'm old, I'm gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
"What's your name?" "I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo's riders-" *Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear
What's the difference between Madonna and a bowling ball ? You can only fit three fingers in the bowling ball.
If dogs have taught me anything, it's that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don't want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
What does a dyslexic zombie eat? Brians.
[coming through customs] Okay Sir 1 last thing before we're done. Is there anything you'd like to declare? *slams passport* "I've had sex."
I like to measure my workouts in terms of a reward system. For instance: I just ran 2.5 pizzas.
i like my beer like i like my women in large cups
[medusa's husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Life is like a box of chocolates... Mostly nuts and sometimes you get brown stuff on your hands.
Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.
What's the difference between me and my couch My couch pulls out
Coldplay is like depression you can hear.
If I was a villain, my weapon would be a fan and a bag of eyelashes for blinding superheroes I'm a villain, don't ask how I get my weapons
Milk cartons in Asia have missing planes on them instead of children.
TIL of a soccer player that is never invited to any parties He is just too messi
[financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116 [me] *slips her $100* let's make it 112 [her] now it's 120
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
Just saw two 10 year old boys sharing a cigarette. I was really shocked and upset so I gave them money to buy a pack.
I hate to think there are meteorologists out there who've never stood in front of the green screen and pretended to jerk off Florida.
My favorite part of sex is when I'm actually having some.
What is the name of the secret society of weavers? I-loom-'n'-I-tie
Whats the difference between risky children and risky lesbians? One runs when they have scissors, the others scissor when they have runs
Accidentally fell asleep at my grandmas funeral Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood.
What do you call a tattoo of the most commonly used English letter on a scientist's penis? A logical phallus E.
Today I learned that Disney had to rename Moana in Italy because an Italian pornstar has the same name AND NO ONE KNOOOOOOOOWS HOW DEEP SHE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOES.
What do you call a magic door? Dumbledoor!
What's the difference between a bot and a Trump supporter? A bot has a chance of reacing self-awareness in our lifetime.
Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible Is that true? Where can it be found? Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt "
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today... Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser...
I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over
Why do people with a gluten allergy usually make for pretty funny comedians? Because they always have silly acts.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.
I needed a password eight characters long... ... so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
How does Father Christmas request a four-way at a brothel? Ho ho ho
[plane] "Is there a doctor on board?" Im a doctor "Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att- Of fine arts "What?" Doctor of Fine Arts
i like shaking hands with old guys with really tough hands because it feels like im grabbing onto a horse saddle
What is the best part about having Alzheimer's Making new friends every day
So I got caught copying my friends test in class... I think the teacher heard my Xerox machine.
When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Fidel Castro ... ... not screaming in terror, like his victims.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Give us your most offensive joke (with one challenge) No Jew, black, Helen Keller or dead baby jokes. Feeds are always filled with those. Let's see something different.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
What mouse has two legs? Mickey Mouse. What duck has two legs?
What's Green and Smells like Pork? Kermit's Finger
Whenever I hear kids singing..... Whenever I hear kids singing "do re mi" I picture Chris Hansen is hiding in the room somewhere.
The day we decided such footwear would be called "flip-flops" was not our most creative moment.
FB makes HS reunions awkward. Hey, I haven't seen you 20 years. So how was that nap you took this afternoon?
I got my drug dealer arrested the other day Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom
I think that, in the space race, the U.S.S.R. got to Mars first. Because mars is the red planet.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7? Because 6 7 8.
When does a pear become a pair? When one appears.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? His wife is dead.
What is the difference between a divorce and a hurricane in the south? Nothing, someone is losing a trailer!
What is the difference between Donald Trump and a vibrator? A vibrator is not a genuine dick
Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like......Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go
This woman walked into a bar... and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.
My uncle died after falling out of a helicopter.. ..so at his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a parachute. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
(For Star Wars nerds) What do baby Twi'leks wear when they eat fish? A Bib Fortuna
What is this 'wrong hole' you people speak of?
Donald Trump says he has a great relationship with the blacks But unless the blacks is the name of a white family, that's probably not the case --Seth Meyers
What is a mushrooms favorite type of music? Hyphae
I got lost.. Walking around your fat mother
I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that shit.
Today I went to the convenience store to pick up some condoms. When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?" I replied "No, she's not that ugly"
*clicks on article abt miley cyruses tongue bein so white* this is the shit. the good shit which i crave in a infinite universe of mystery
I got lit with my Tibetan friend once Once.
What's the difference between a new golf ball and a spoilt child? One's white and shiny, and the other is shite and whiny!
A man wakes up in a hospital, after a serious accident. He yells "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" The doctor responds "I know. I amputated your arms."
What's the oldest trick in the book? The first one.
I just put a whole frozen chicken up my arse April fools! It was just a drumstick.
I told my friend I had HIV... She asked me if I was sure. I told her I was positive.
Tuna What do you call a can of tuna in a lesbians back pocket? DIP
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
What do you get when you crossbreed a negro with an octopus? I've got no idea, but sure as hell would be useful at a cotton farm.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair with a cell phone? Virgin Mobile.
My dads favorite When you're kissing with your honey and your nose is kinda runny you may think its kinda funny but it's not
I could've sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on... Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it
Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you'll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!
I picked up an upside down bag of candy and ate it all in one go. I just love W&amp;W's.
A priest, a little boy, a Rabbi and an imam get into a cute little Nissan car. The little boy says... ... what is this, a Juke?
Just choked on a apple... Bet a brownie wouldn't have done that..
today i saw a dog barking at a ball and i thougt, ah yes, good dog. i too curse the very things which bring me joy
What doesn't kill you isn't earning the money I paid.
What do you call someone you want to be stepped on by? A crush crush
What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common? Neither can achieve an election
I met a refugee on the bus today. "What country are you from?" I asked. "Iraq" he said. "How did you escape?" I asked. IRAN
Son just threatened to poke me in the 'belly butthole". Pretty sure he meant belly button, but I'm on guard just in case.
What do you call a German taking a shower? A Showerkraut.
Friend of mine said "What rhymes with orange" I said "No it doesn't"
She was going to tell a joke Guy: I was going to tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long. Girl: I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you've run out of coffee.
Two women were driving on the highway when the traffic rapport broadcast said there was a car driving in the opposite direction. "One? There are hundreds of them"
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
Did you guys hear about that crazy thing Trump said at the debate last night? I couldn't believe it. He said "Ohio is a spectacular place."
The wife asked her husband to get rid of his boner He tried, but it was too difficult.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner? Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.
Why is it good that the Vietnamese man won first place? It's a Nguyen-win situation.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I'll only have to tell my mom 'I love her' for them] Cashier: that'll be $5,364.32 Me: shit
My idiot friend wanted to get into porn. He heard that the camera adds ten pounds.
Everything anew I went home yesterday to find all my furniture replaced.I asked my roommate "What the hell" and he replied "Who are you".
Why was the plant embarrassed? It soiled itself. *Buh dum ts* *Dodges tomatoes*
I want to treat you like my big toe and bang you on every piece of furniture in the house.
Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense ? So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.
Sometimes I like to stop and fart at the jewelry counter in Macy's to remind them that there's common folk like us that shop there too.
I was in the bank yesterday and all the money floated out of the vault and flew right out the door... It was a polterheist.
When Captain Picard's sewing machine broke he brought it to the repairman and said... "make it sew."
So my ear doctor said... ..."If you continue down this path, soon you will lose your hearing." and i asked. "So no more PewdiePie videos?"
What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? A lumpy milkshake.
"exorcise" and "exercise" sound alike because they're both the work of the Devil
What do you call a fast zombie? A zoombie.
Ask me if I'm an orange. No.
I was the fastest gun in the West, I'd shoot you with a ham before you could even ask "What is that, some sort of ham cannon?"
Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter *said thru a mouthful of pie*
bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
My dog has no legs. I call him Cigarette. Every night I come home from work, I take him for a drag.
When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?' She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long
i like to unfriend people on their birthdays, let's them know it's not all about them.
What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls? American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.
Where do women in the WNBA shop? It's definitely not at dicks.
What's the difference in red and purple...? ... How hard you squeeze it.
Naming my daughter "A Relationship" so I don't have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
"I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Better names for porcupines: Needle Beaver Battlepig Hurty Squirrel Flail Monster Cactus Rat Capy-scare-uh Death otter Revenge Possum
What did the letter O say to the letter Q? "For God's sake man, put some pants on!"
Q: How do librarians file melted marshmallows? A: According to the Gooey Decimal System.
Don't worry if you are spending the Christmas all alone because everyone will eventually die xD
What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080-Pee
Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
My identity was stolen two days ago. They called today begging for me to take it back.
How to paint a live flamingo: 1. Get a live flamingo 2. Paint it
I just took an IQ test and apparently I'm a Libra?
Did you know our brains are 75% fat? Thinking about putting mine on a diet.
If an ant smells bad, what is it called? De-Oder-Ant
What's the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I Farted... I farted infront of my Jewish friend and he got offended, i shrugged and said "what? A little gas never killed anyone"
My friend was putting lipstick on her forehead She said she was trying to make-up her mind
Broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got a hint.
The size of penis doesn't correlate to the number of sex one will have Proof: the two largest populations in this world: China and India.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline
What's the difference between a woman and a laundry machine? When I dump a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around after
[High Stakes Poker] Dealer: Are you in or are you out? Schrodinger's Cat: [For the 20th time] BOTH [Player flips table]
"My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth" was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Slept like a log last night..... Woke up in the fire place
Why are women bad at parking? Because they're consistently lied to about what 6 inches looks like.
When a boy turns 12 he is given the choice between a big dick or a good memory... I can't remember what I picked
Which operetta make the Gorilla crack up? Nutty Marietta!
What did the necrophiliac have at the funeral Mourning wood
Some people think horror movies or big spiders are scary, but nothing terrifies me more than couples that share a Facebook profile.
Flogging Molly is a pretty good Irish punk band; They're also 2 activities typically kept very, very separate.
Why can't the cops keep calm and carry on ? Because they carry guns instead
Apparently, the correct reply to "Where've you been it's 3am, you're drunk & have lipstick on your collar" is not "You're next, fatty!"
Whats the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
My girlfriend stole my vintage adding machine That calculating bitch.
A blonde decided to go to grad school
I like my sex like I like my math Discrete
How does a Marxist jack off? By seizing the means of reproduction.
What's a pirate's favorite rapper? Kendrick Lamarrghhhh
Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day. How do you apologize properly for something like that?
I had a colonoscopy today... ...it was a pain in the ass! EDIT : Deleted original post that had "coloscopy" instead of "colonoscopy"
What is Hillary Clinton's favorite dice game? Benghahtzee.
What do you call an employee at a sperm bank? A nutjob
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
What do you call a peeping Tom cat? A Purrr-vert.
Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she's overreacting. She'll realize you're right and calm right down.
What's the best part about dating a twin? Nobody can judge you on your age difference.
You may refer to him as Cap'n Crunch to others, but you must still salute him in person.
I have sex daily I mean dyslexia. Fuck.
What's 18 inches and makes women SCREAM? A stillborn.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Why the long face?" So the horse proceeds to rampage around the bar because he's a fucking horse.
I've been alive for 25 years, only a fraction of a second compared to the age of the universe but still measureable. Unlike your mom.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing they are both stuck up cunts
What do you call a crate of ducks ? A box of quackers !
(Rushes to hospital) Dr: Your mother is extremely critical. Me: Don't overreact doctor, she's like that with everyone.
What can you catch from ear fucking? Hearing AIDS
I told my girlfriend I would get a picture of her on my new debit card... So that even if we break-up, she'll still be taking my money.
Don't you hate those people who are obsessed with tracking their steps? Fucking pedophiles.
It was called a jumpoline... ... before your mother jumped on it.
Art: Stop it. Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
What do you get when cross religion with apples? Apple Jews.
If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three  days later leaves on Friday how does he do it? The horse's name is Friday!
What happened when the cheese factory exploded? Debrie everywhere.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you? DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn't easy
The most terrifying sentence in the world. "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help." -RR
texting and driving is dangerous because u might accidentally text the lips emoji to your boss
I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job" after its completed.
What happens when a bunch of ferrets get together? None of your business.
I call my girlfriend Dumbledore Because she's the real headmaster
When writing a resume, it's much more valuable to say you are an expert at "replicate and repurpose functionality" than "copy and paste."
What did the carnivore say to the vegan? "That's a missed-steak"
What happened to the naughty little witch at  school? She was ex-spelled.
What do you call an exploding ape? A baboom.
A Spanish Magician says he will disappear on the count of three He said Uno Dos Then he disappeared with no tres (say it out loud to understand)
*one day before marriage* Parents: Don't talk to the groom. Don't see him. Don't think. *one day after marriage* Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I've always wanted to have sex while wearing Mandalorian armour... I guess I have a Boba Fettish
The improper fraction help line is now open 24/7
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist bastards.
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... Unless he's a vegan. Then you can get there through his vagina.
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood he  had to walk 7 miles to school everyday. Well he should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else !
Did you hear about the emotional wedding? Even the cake was in tiers!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?"
Why do plants hate math? ... Because it gives them square roots
Why is there so much tension in Iraq? They Haven't Broke the Isis yet.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Why do girls always walk in odd packs? Because they literally can't even.
You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.
Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.
when i was 17 my bucket list was "buy a house" & "marry a tycoon" now i'm 27 it's "tickle a baby hedgehog" and "learn Beyonce choreography"
i'm only a good advice giver from 11pm to 2am central time. any time besides that if you tell me anything i'll just go "oh."
Have a Coke and a smile! I opened up a can of Coke, and on the side it said: "Share a Coke with your Soulmate." So, I put the can in my right hand.
What is teen pop? Jared's favorite music genre.
It's not a "gay" wedding or a "straight wedding" it's a "waste of money they could have used for a down payment."
I just heard a folk song about KFC It was fingerpickin' good!
Your mom is like a pile of bricks. Constantly getting laid by Mexicans.
'If u insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!' 'Don't be selfish, think about the baby.' 'What baby?' 'Oh, so you're not pregnant?'
How do you know when you're turning 40? When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
Teacher : Tommy put some more water in the  fish tank ! Pupil : Why Miss I only put some in yesterday and he hasn't drunk that yet !
A woman met a guy at a bar... ...and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a jockey," he said. "But I thought jockeys had to be small," she said. "You're average-sized." "This is my day off."
What did Little Bo Peep say to Woody when she got caught screwing Buzz? You got a friend in me.
I had a neurotic rabbit once. His name was Stu.
Thank Satan it's Monday.
A high schooled student becomes a national hero after taking down a school shooter But was expelled because of the schools zero tolerance policy
Why does Lichtenstien never lose a race? Because nothing is faster then Liecht!
What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period.
What do you call one billion facebook users piled on top of each other? suckerberg
Waiter there is a fly in my soup ! Hold on sir I'll get the fly spray !
A hip-hop artist went to the shop to buy some cigarettes. He bought one pack for himself, and another for his hip-hop artist friend. He bought Tupac's.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45. They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek. Teen: (smiles) Thank you! Me: God damn it.
What do you call a dad joke in Jamaica? Dreadful.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party? FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I realized why the media isn't taking my presidential campaign seriously. Occasionally, I'll slip up and accidentally tell the truth.
I just drop my keyboard on the floor by accident... I lost control.
What did the Kiwi say to the Rabbi? "Hebrew".
Why doesn't the Grinch like knock knock jokes? Because there's always Whos there!
I'm all for people, places, and things. I guess you could say I am pronouns.
Trump may not fulfill all of his campaign promises... ...but he sure is making Saturday Night Live great again.
Oh man, I just got back from the most awesome campground orgy. It was in tents.
Everytime I hold someone's baby, I whisper "You aint shit" into their ear. Just to bring their huge baby-ego back down to Earth.
And the cat's in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer's, this is a terrible mix-up.
Yesterday 8 mosquitoes bit me! I guess I now have a mosquito bite
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
VW just released a new diesel car... It's called the Cheetah. ... credits to a colleague at work
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter made it out of the chamber
Why is MetLife Stadium the windiest stadium in the NFL? Because there's a Giant fan in every seat.
Always thought my Chinese neighbor was super religious... Turns out he was just playing all the time. Just came up with this. I'll show myself out.
This autographed Bible isn't authentic, unless Je$u$ is actually how he signed his name.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
So I was having sex with this chick and she kept calling out another blokes name. What kind of name is 'rape' anyway?
Why could Neo from the Matrix never be a Christian? Because he has his own Hole-y Trinity -I'll see myself out
What do you call a cheap boob job? A discount rack.
Want to hear a joke about black people? Never mind it won't work
KIDNAPPER: Get in the van ME: Oh no thanks I'm vegetarian KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away* {15min later} KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf
Mexico replaced America as the world's fattest country because we sent them all home.
When a computer program says "Not Responding" I start texting it stuff like "Who are you with?" and "Just heard our song"
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Where do South Africans buy their pastrami and salami? At the Nelson Mandeli.
What do you call a homeless Hitler? A roofless dictator.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To confuse pirates
My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they'll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring
I can deal with shootings and police harassment. But it's January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music. Time to leave the ghetto
An 'overdose' is what happens when you suck at taking drugs.
Went to the Indian bakery today and asked for some bread They said they had naan
r/jokes, I'm in the dentists chair with 2 cavities. Please, cheer me up.
I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say "I got this" as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face
This is NOT a repost.
God damn toilet! Always stealing my shit!
What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed? Aw sheet! One of my favorite, cheesiest jokes of all time. Thought it would be a good first post to Reddit!
What do you call a fake noodle? Impasta
I think I may be emotionally constipated...I haven't given a crap in days.
Me: Nice new car, boss Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I'll be able to buy an even better one
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
What's the difference between Hitler and Ronald McDonald? One of them is red and the other one is dead. LOLZ
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
If black people have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump card.
Fruit By The Foot, but no Meat By The Meter? I call bullshit.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory... All I did was take a day off.
What is the area at the Danish/German border called? The DaneGer zone! I'll show myself out.
Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says "I have to admit, it's pretty scary out here." The other replies, "You think this is bad? I have to walk back alone."
Everybody made fun of how I lost a race to the fat kid in school. If only my wheelchair was faster.
BAND: How's everyone doing tonight!! [crowd goes nuts] ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
What has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.
What do you call a screaming timepiece? An alarmed clock.
What do ISIL and Little Miss Muffet have in common? Both have curds in their whey. -Credit goes to my professor
"I tell you, this car runs like a dream!" I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Cheesy pun I once had a dream about cheese. It was all gouda until a muenster appeared and started chasing me
What's the National Vegetable of Israel? Ariel Sharon
Best Joke which defines me I am married and not allowed to make decisions :D
Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Couldn't be sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
What a weekend... apparently gonorrhea is NOT a girl's best friend.
A skeleton walks into a bar... and asks for a beer and a mop.
Frankly auto correct, I'm getting really tired of your shirt.
Person: Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Me: I understand. *I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn't fed me*
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.
What do you call a black guy that visits r/jokes regularly ? A masochist
If you woke up and couldn't remember the night before and your ass hurt real bad would you tell anyone? Want to go camping?
Of course I'm English. I'm the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
In olden times it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then weddings have been held there and times haven't changed at all!
I asked the pizza place to write a joke in my pizza box. They delivered... the pizza with nothing written inside.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like 'what is she thinking'
I got in a lot of trouble on a date recently because I didn't open the car door for her Instead I just swam up to the surface
Why is school like a boner? It's long and hard...unless you're asian.
Watching a cooking show when "We believe this was the last dish they served on the Titanic on that fateful day" I bet that went down well.
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job? You know she'll swallow.
How many Tumblr women does it take to change a light bulb? I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM!
Damn girl, did you fall from heaven? Cause you're Satan.
Sex in front of a mirror. I really see myself doing it.
What is the difference between a polar bear and the World Series? One has cubs
What bill is the Congress's favorite? Of course the $ bill!
Why is Santa Claus's sack always so full? Because he only comes once a year
Why did the farmer take a bale of hay to bed? He wanted to feed his nightmares.
What did Kermit the Frog say after Jim Henson died? Nothing.
Why were the Ten Commandments so powerful? Because they were set in stone.
What is the hardest part of eating a vegetable ? Putting her back in the wheel chair
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.
how do you catch a unique bunny? unique up on it. :) How do you catch a tame bunny? The TAME way!!! favorite cheesy joke.
A baby seal walks into a bar, bartender asks what he's having.. anything but Canadian Club
Did you know the Bible forbids sunbathing in Greece? That means it is a sin to go to Cos and get a tan.
No matter how much I try to buy those supermarket conveyor belt dividers... The cashier just keeps putting them back!
Hillary and Huma Hillary Clinton likes Huma Abedin who is married to Anthony Weiner which would make her Huma Weiner. That means that Hillary likes a Weiner which means that she is not gay.
What do you do with a no-legged greyhound? Take it drag racing
What do you call a daredevil Gigolo with dwarfism? A Stunted Stunt Stunter.
heres my To Do List - become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Mom Can we go out and play with granny? Yes, just don't bite her nails or I'll close the coffin
How do you stop a clown from laughing? Hit it in the face with an axe.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
You're a vegetarian? That's a missed steak
Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know... Oreos.
I heard a joke about a German sausage today It was the wurst
God damn auto correct... Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo
What's the difference between my computer and Paul Walker? I actually give a shit when my computer crashes.
Its official. Donald trump is the 45th greatest president of the united states.
For some reason my dad thinks I'm a private investigator. He keeps calling me a dick.
[offensive] Why didn't Hitler become an artist? Because he hated mixing colors...
I can't wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.
It was recently revealed that 25% of women are being treated for mental illness. Scary shit. It means 75% are running around untreated.
What do you call a bi-curious woman? A clitourist.
Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good.
What happened to Hillary Clinton's emails? [deleted]
Why are sailors so impatient when they get on land? Because they're tired of waiting in the rhumb line.
China lands on the moon! Salvages antique U.S. flag
Why can't the average white girl pass Math? Because she can't even.
The rules of weed do not work for pussy.. If you can smell it across the room, it's not the good shit.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
my dad told me this one Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table , then a chair
Why can't Hellen Keller Drive? She's a Woman.... No, Seriously, it's cause she's dead.
I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night... I thought I was more careful and smart than that, I swear! I typically check the tags on their feet first! :(
Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries He responded: Oh go Crimea river
Why was 11 afraid of 12? Because 12 13 14!!!!! GET IT?!?!??! source: some comment on reddit I read like 6 months ago
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
It's really easy to be picky on Tinder... Sometimes I swipe left just because I have dirt on my screen.
An emo vampire probably bites himself.
What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans? The black one steals your watch and stabs you.
A day with no sunshine is like..... night
Cooking two tortillas at the same time like some kind of Mexican DJ.
What's another name for chicken breasts? Chitties
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got Viagra? Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But I've got a photograph of the wife..."
No matter how kind you are Germany children will always be kinder
So a horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, why the long face?" The horse looks up and responds, "I'm out of the job! Sarah Jessica Parker started doing her own stunts."
What do you call a Jewish Ginger? Gingerbread. Edit: Here comes the downvote brigade, haha!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
What do you call a disabled person during a zombie apocalypse? Meals on wheels...
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I went to the library and asked if they had any books on Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog. The librarian said that they may or may not have it, but that it rings a bell.
You've just made a very lazy enemy my friend.
My girlfriend is like the square root of negative one hundred A perfect ten, but imaginary
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
A dog with a cowboy hat, spurs and a cigar limps in through the swinging doors of a saloon... ...He says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab? "Looks like you've got me in a pinch."
"I see," said the blind man... as he pissed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."
Why did the black man buy 4 boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.
I'm sorry and I apologize are the same thing... Unless it's at a funeral.
My wife isn't much of a wrestler But man you should see her box.
When is an English teacher like a judge?  When she hands out long sentences.
Half of these jokes were around when Jesus played fullback for Jerusalem.
What happened after the ugly man married the beautiful blonde? They had a wedding reception.
Lost My Job I've been sacked from my job as a roller coaster ride operator. I'm suing them for funfair dismissal.
So today I found out I have Alzheimer's disease... But on the bright side, at least I don't have Alzheimer's disease.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-sore-ass
Chinese magican Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate? I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
It sucks when you get to work early but then shit for so long that your boss thinks you came in late. I need a "I'm Here But Shitting" sign.
I like my women like I like my car parking spaces... Disabled only.
Que dijo un mar al otro? ola
I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here. I still do, but I used to too...
Doctor wanted a semen sample, stool sample and urine sample. I gave him a pair of my underwear. Here, you sort it out.
Holy crap! I can't believe it! Thanks to Twitter - I'm going to Yale! Wait a minute... Jail - I'm going to jail! Oh...
At the gynecologist Young woman:Doctor,last few days I can not feel the IUD string.What I am going to do now? Doctor:Well, now you can have sex with no strings attached!
My daughter wanted me to be a mime for her birthday party. I was speechless.
Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope. That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The other day my dessert looked like it was undressing me with it's eyes... It was a total crepe.
Just because this is a public space doesn't mean my tweets are meant for ALL of you to read! Please respect my privacy at this time!!!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
Have you heard a dad joke about dad jokes? I've never meeted an person who had.
Why did the European businessman sleep on the streets? To avoid a hostel takeover.
Why is Hollywood full of vampires? They need someone to play the bit parts.
Why did the lawyer refuse to take payment when defending the lead singer of U2? Because he said he was pro Bono.
Men are just opposite from guns The smaller the caliber, the bigger the bore
"Wow, that milk is spoiled!" *milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.
My social life.
How do Orcs eat their food? By goblin it down.
[first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward Cuz that's how I roll..
Parallel Lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents? Meat patty
I think Helen Keller said it best when she said. .
How do you figure out that your girlfriend is getting too fat? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common? They've both been in little boys.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us? OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Equality That's the joke.
Looking for some tasteless Gabrielle Giffords jokes
Like I said before, I hate repeating myself
Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move."
"auuahuhuh" some nerd who wears glasses probably right now
Why do men stare at a woman's breasts? To prove they can focus on two things at once.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
Why did Mufasa die? Because he didn't Mufasa-nuff.
Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.
What do you call a basketball that rolls off court and deflates? Out of bounce.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
How do you help a paraplegic kill themselves? Give them a push.
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course no one pays the least bit of attention.
How do you make a dead baby float? 1 cup of milk 2 scoops of dead baby.
What did one muffin say to the other? muffin', he wasn't a very talkative guy
Did you hear about the guy who snorted curry powder? He fell into a korma
Did you hear that the saucepan beat the pot in a wrestling match? It was a real boil over.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Nothing against fat chicks having high self-esteem Just not yoga pants high
How Long is a Chinamen? Yes he is.
What do you call a will? a dead giveaway
Why doesn't Texas slide into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma Sucks!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
The biggest problem with prostitution as a career path... All the jobs are entry level
What's brown and sticky. A stick.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I'm a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
Did you hear that Tom Brady is running for president? His platform is lowering inflation.
My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.
What is the similarity between a weiner and a Rubik's Cube? The more you twist them the harder they get.
Answering school teachers like... Teacher: What is the outside of a tree called? Student:I don't know. Teacher: Bark, my child, bark. Student: Bow, wow, wow.
Did you hear about the Florida pastor's Quran burning? His actions are incendiary.
What do Gungans put things in? Jar Jars.
What do catholic body builders lift? Their guilt.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
How do you know Satan's barbeque ribs are good? Cos they're trident tested. #noapologies
How does praying lead to a blow job? I don't know, ask an alter boy.
Nothing better than experiencing the majesty and wonder of the great outdoors on a really good television.
Where did socially awkward Nazis get sent? To the conversation camp! (That was a part of my shower thoughts and popped spontaneously into my mind)
It's not you.. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.
You had me at "we've got the place surrounded"
Why do seagulls only fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be called Baygulls.
What do you call a Muslim standing between two buildings? Ali
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died. May he RIP in peace.
Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass Doctors describe his condition as stable
I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"
You're so fake, even China denied they made you.
'He looks just like you' is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
A man sued an airline company after they lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
Trump is the 45th President of the United States. Aren't you proud fellow Americans.
I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I like my coffee like I like my women... ... Ground up and in the freezer.
Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day. Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.
What's the difference between Bigfoot and Donald Trump ? One is big loud and smelly the other is a mythological creature ?
Where is the best place to hide a dead body? A cemetery
What would Steve Urkel say if he used The Force? Jedi do that?
Of course Donald Trump has a big dick. How did you think he was going to fuck all of America from the White House?
Don't you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The fact that belly buttons aren't blowholes is fucking stupid.
So I heard they've discontinued the Xbox 360... I guess it's an ex-box now.
I'm pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose
I don't believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn't get any balance laying on his shell.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I once knew a guy... I once knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking alcohol, eating rich food and sex. He lived healthy until he killed himself.
My friend would not believe Canada has a new prime minister It's Tru-deau.
Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer? Ash
What's worse than finding cum stains in your son's underwear? Finding cum stains in the back of the underwear.
1. Ice *check* 2. Ice *check* 3. Baby *calls 911* - Freezer Inspector -
If you were 8 yrs old when "red red wine" was released UB40 now
Christian music producers The only Christians who know how to use Logic and Reason.
Knock knock... Knock knock. Who's there? r/news. r/news who? [deleted]
What do you call a fat psychic? Not a "medium", but a "large."
If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have? I'd have 314,159,265
My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they're lazy.
Consuming alcoholic beverage is prohibited in my office! So I sit down with root beer on a square table sometimes.
yo moma is so dumb she climbed over a window to see what was on the other side
Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
What if Steven hawking is the real slim shady We'll never know because he can't stand up
What "smart" cars should say Instead of my car saying stupid things like " your door is ajar " , it should say helpful things like " there's a cop hiding in the bushes "
What's the difference between a hipster and a fire hose? It takes more than one hipster to push the black people out of a neighborhood.
Superman: I'm faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive- Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Some relationships can survive only online.
How does a bassist's brain cell die? Alone.
What's big, Scottish, and depressing? Scotland.
Why can't lesbians have sex at concerts? Because rock beats scissors.
Picking up a drug addict is easy... They go for any line.
What do animals read in zoos? Gnus papers.
A guy walks in a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide Librarian: Fuck you, you won't return it
*goes to the park* *spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
What do you call non-muslims that rides motorcycle? Kafir rider
Came home to find my girlfriend packing her stuff... I asked her what she was doing, she says "I'm leaving you, you sick peadophile!" "Peadophile! That's a big word for an 8 year old!"
When writing your calculus exam, make sure you don't sit between twins. Because you might not be able to differentiate between them.
What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal I'll go now.
A naked woman robbed a bank... No one could remember her face.
If you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
f u cn red ths yu meb b dislxic rely
A jumper cable walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'll serve ya but don't start anything."
A cannibal ate a charismatic... He threw up his hands
I don't drink any more. Or any less.
HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
What do you say to a Jewish New Zealander? Hee brew
[at my high school reunion] Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb's house? "Dude that was in 1991."
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it's an emergency me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
this is a joke consoles
For Halloween, our daughter is dressing up as joke telling jack-o'-lantern. She's our little pun-kin.
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Don't break anyone's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
What do you say to a giraffe? "Hi, Asshole!" (Made that up myself, I did.)
What's something 9 out of 10 people enjoy? [NSFW] [xpost /r/askmen] gang rape
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club. Sam: No one else is here. Sam: You're here. Sam: I'M YOU, STUPID! Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same.
Grandma catches Bobby beating-off Stop it! Don't you know you can go blind from that? Gee gram, can't I just do it till I need glasses?
How do you know Santa Claus is married? He only comes once a year.
[murder scene] MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
There's a woman with a colostomy bag. Her boyfriend says he wants to fuck her in the pooper... Which hole does he use?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
For the English Q: What do you say to someone who appears to have done irreparable harm to themselves despite multiple warnings to the contrary? A: U.K. ?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Why did the bear run around his bed? He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
Whats brown and ryhmes with snoop Poop.
whats the differnce from a blonde and a blow up sex doll only about two bottles of hair spray
A black man and a mexican are in a car, who's driving? The police . . . . . . . They're the police you racist cunt.
[being mugged] ME: can i keep things of sentimental value? ROBBER: ok ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash...my lucky debit card
What did the Earth say to the Earthquake? Sorry...that was my fault.
"My dad could blow up your dad!" - braggy al-Qaeda kid
My friend begged me to stop playing Wonderwall I said maybe.
My favorite Yakov Smirnoff joke about the good old USSR. In America you find the party. In Russia the party finds you. Edit: in reference to the soviet party
Riffing off u/Mc237269's joke: What do Donald Trump &amp; the Galaxy Note 7 have in common? Push any button then watch the explosion.
Joke from my 4 year old granddaughter... "Knock Knock"... Me: who's there? Her: Orange Me: Orange Who? Her: Orange glad I didn't say Police!
Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.
Did you hear about the man who hit my ex? He gold arrested for animal abuse
What does a Christmas tree do after Christmas? It pines.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in. He told me, I'm the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I went to the club last night... They played The Twist, so I did the twist. They played Jump, so I jumped. They played Come On Eilien... and I got kicked out.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I'm just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.
Q. What kind of ears do pumpers have?  A. Engineers.
[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
Why is it a bad idea to wear tiny shorts on a Ukranian holiday? Chernobyl fallout.
I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said "I'm your dad now," your kid wouldn't even question it.
I used to watch lots of Bruce Willis movies, but now I don't. I guess old habits Die Hard. ^Someone ^please ^slap ^me. ^EDIT: ^Even ^better, ^this ^was ^a ^shower ^thought ^too...
What did one saggy boob say to the other? If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.
Wanna hear a joke? Sanctity of marriage. OH!
The world is a dangerous place. Just the other day, I was walking down the street and I punched a guy in the face for absolutely no reason. Stay safe out there, folks.
What book is better when you read it drunk? Tequila Mockingbird.
I could never date a homophobe... I just don't think he'd be into that.
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three? Because it says "No Trespassing".
How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? Do you have a ticket for that?
What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine.
Gabriel "Really? That's how you want humans to reproduce?" God "Trust me. It will be hilarious."
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
What's the difference between a baby and a kilo of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo of cocaine fall out of a window.
So if google glass got a virus.. Would it be called malware or malwear?
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn't, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
... AND IT WORKS!!! I just invented a time travel machine...
Why did the gray whale go on a diet? Because he wasn't a Fin whale!
When the guy at Subway asks what type of bread you'd like, say cookies. When he laughs, ask to speak to the manager.
Sugar - Honey - Iced - Tea ... Guess what it means.
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...all over my crotch when I'm driving.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written 'nail appointment' in my diary? Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Who never gets his hair wet in the  shower? A bald man.
Everybody thinks Australians are laid back until one of us is standing over you with a chainsaw asking you to pronounce Aluminium correctly.
What's the most sensitive protein? EMOglobin.
People are always like "you're so crazy" and I'm all like "please take off the restraints, I promise I won't do it again".
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from? Father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."
My ex-girlfriend's star sign was cancer. It is quite ironic how she died.... .... she was killed by a giant crab.
"WDASDWwAdWwda" -said every pc gamer
A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night "Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?" "I've had 8 drinks, officer." "That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."
Why do the French eat snails? Because they don't like fast food.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?" Descartes replies, "No, I think not." And then he vanishes. No dice.
What is the difference between a circus side show and a Las Vegas floor show? One has a cunning array of stunts, the other has a stunning array of cunts.
Daughter just told me, "Dad, I don't make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches." One day her picture will be on money.
What do you get when you mix a gay Eskimo and a Black man? A snow blower that doesn't work
I had a turd the other day that looked exactly like George Bush. I shit you not! (It even tried to declare war on me)
If strippers are now called "exotic dancers" then drug dealers should be called "exotic pharmacists".
At the hospital... NSFW At the hospital, I overheard two doctors discussing a patient that came in with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum. They described the patient's condition as stable...
I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki... It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt
What's the shittiest day of the week? Saturday
What do you first see when you enter an Indian community? 50 shades of brown ;)
Need the most offensive team name possible for beer Olympics team. I believe in you Internet
My Swedish girlfriend broke up with me Now, I'm just somebody that she used to blow.
I used to tell this great joke about homeopathy. But I've told it so many times the humour has been diluted.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken
I feel like a tampon... In the right place... at the wrong time..
It happens when you least expect it. Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels. -winter ice/love
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I'm simply going to reply, "Hmm... I've seen better."
A giraffe was at an airport security check line. The security guy asked "Is that your laptop?". The giraffe replied "I thought you would never ask."
Daniel Day-Lewis walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll it be?" but he already knows because he's also Daniel-Day Lewis.
Jejunum? I hardly know him
Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? Because he was Haydn.
Are you constantly in a rush and have ZERO time to just sit around and relax? What the hell are you doing here then, dipshit ??
If I yawn, and the person talking says, 'Sorry for boring you', I graciously accept their apology. Because, manners.
Why is Dick short for Richard? Genetics, I guess
Why can't single women fart Because they don't have an asshole until they're married.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Its all shits and giggles. Until someone giggles and shits.
Why do Republicans make good DJs? Because they know how to shut the House down.
Sex is like a good joke I dont get it
We're decorating the tree with the kids today. But now that they're teens it's harder to find branches that will support their weight.
What do you call a drum that causes problems? A conundrum
LOL at the neighbor kids who didn't realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.
A man spread his late wife's ashes on the lawn... ...so he could still cut her at least once a week.
Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Why are all Atheists poor? Because Atheism is a not for-prophet organization.
How does a Confederate flag and a rainbow flag differ? The latter represents people that win.
Yoda asks: Afraid of 7, 9 is. Why? Because 6, 7 8.
Why did the personal trainer break up with his girlfriend? She just wasn't working out.
Where is your 1,000 word essay? "Right here" *pulls out selfie* That's a picture... "A picture is worth 1,000 words" *becomes valedictorian*
Two mice were chewing on a film roll ..when one of them says: *I think the book was better*
What did the barber say to the Potato? "You've got eyes on the back of your head!"
Did you hear about the plane that flew over the Java Sea? it crashed.
Where do you find a man with an aquatic mammal fetish? In Wales.
What do you call a vulture with no beak?  A head banger.
Why did Hitler move from Germany to Westeros in full support of the Starks? Because he saw real hope for an Aryan nation.
A little boy skips school... Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!!"  Little Boy: "No you go hide because I told her you were dead!"
I got up early to watch the sunrise And then it dawned on me.
Sometimes I look down at my cleavage and I'm like, "wow!" "That's where the rest of that cookie went!"
Why don't electrical engineers get girls? Because they can resistor.
Girl seeing my torn jeans Where'd you get those?! *remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes* The Gap.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I... can't see.
"At least Donald Trump says what he thinks." Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
What's a Sicilian terrorists favorite treat? Italian ISIS'
What do you call a little Lannister when winter finally comes? Peter Shrinklage
I'm sorry I said "sorry about your eyebrows" when you showed me your wedding photos
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
How does the moon cut his hair Eclipse it!
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor Bastard.
What do you call a midget psychic that escaped prison? A small medium at large
Why don't progressives go to the dentist? Because dentists like everything straight and white.
Me and my friends.. My friend: Your dick is probably like a tic tac. Me: No wonder your moms mouth is so fresh. Class: OOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!! #GetRekt scrub m8
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a Parking spot..... The good ones are all Taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
When can you call an Arab unlucky? When all his wife's have synchronized periods.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
The awkward moment when you've already said "what?" three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree
Kisses make my day... But anal makes me hole weak.
PMS jokes are not funny Period
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
When you're feeling down, just remember... you've accomplished more than Steve Jobs this year.
What do you call a naked blond standing on her hands? A brunette with bad breath.
Why are orphans unable to play baseball? They've never known what home is.
who was the spiciest man to hit a homer in baseball sammy salsa
What do fat girls and mopeds have in common? They're both fun to ride, until your friends find out.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I like my ice cream like I like my women. Plain vanilla, and hopefully if it lies around long enough it will get wet so I don't have to do much with my mouth.
Eric Clapton Did you know Eric Clapton's son was a speed reader? Six stories in 2 seconds.
"Whoo, take off your tits!" -confused pervert
Did you hear about the 80 pound midget with 40 pound balls? They say he was half nuts.
One of my great-grandparents believed in God, but the other seven didn't Which makes me an eighth theist
Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'd better get out and dry myself."
Women always check me out. The cashiers at the grocery store are so nice.
What did King Arthur sleep with when he was  afraid of the dark? A knight light
I don't think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Jokes Like This? Do you like dragons? Cuz imma be dragon my nutz across your face!
What's Michigan's favorite beer? PbR
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
At first I thought drag racing games would be difficult.. Turns out, they're pretty straight forward.
Researchers found that students of a teacher who regularly took LSD lived extraordinarily long lives. It seems his pupils die late.
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
What kind of tea did the american colonists want? Liberty
Butt sex is a lot like spinach Even with butter, children don't like it.
Why were the twin towers sad? They ordered pepperoni but got plain.
Why are Iranian women always eating? They can't stop getting stoned
Two Unix experts are talking about their age... - What is your date of birth? - 0 - Ohh, nice I was born in January too.
Political correctness has reached the level of absurdity For example, we can't say brown paint. Instead we should say "please paint that wall, Jose"
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel prize? I heard he was outstanding in his field.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive
Advertising agencies should start using gametes in their commercials Because you know, sex cells
We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
A therapist and his client play a word association game and the therapist asks, "What's the first word that comes to mind after the word 'pork'?" ...he responds, "U pine."
I was just told this joke What's the hard part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair!!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo ? A stripey jumper !
I spent a long time hitting on a lesbian girl... ...until she said: "Okay, I'm gonna be straight with you."
Why'd the pervert get banned from the board game shop? No fucking clue
"In my defense, Your Honor, I only made comments about her yoga pants cause harassment a lot to me" "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"
I predict futuristic fiction will become very popular. Nope, just an example of futuristic fiction. It wasn't that great  because that's what futuristic fiction is like.
I remember how my uncle died.. Driving an 18 wheeler rig down a long, icy road in the pitch black with no working headlights. He swerved and suddenly BAM! Cancer.
What do you call a Japanese kid the explodes? A loli-pop
My girlfriend says she needs time and distance... Is she calculating velocity?
My phone didn't get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode.
What's so weird about a steroid addiction? No matter what happens, the addiction always makes you stronger.
why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses
How does a composer remember which groceries to buy? She writes a Chopin Liszt.
If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you
Static methods won't get this
Apparently if you call out your own name while masturbating they will kick you off this ferris wheel.
How do you know a Muslim is lying? their lips are moving
What do you call a Chicken with lettuce on its eyes? Chicken Caesar salad.
How do you know if you're in a French Village? If you see sap buckets on telephone poles.
What do you call a pussy with herpes? Cuntagious
NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.
[interview] Okay, don't let him know ur a vampire. "What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?" OH COME ON
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
What happens when two dogs breed in a pound? Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.
What has three feet but no legs? A yardstick.
Whether my dreams are good or bad, waking up is always worse.
My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don't exist in real life, just on tv.
Why did the boy fall off his bike? Someone threw a fridge at him
Why don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.
Obama wants another chance
What's faster than a speeding bullet? [Religion] A Jew with a coupon.
It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be a paramedic.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time..... nvr said a word.... it was jus on sight ..
Don't you say that about Java. Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders
So what kills a joke? The punch line . . .
Depressed cows feel like life is udderly hopeless. But now there's hope. Ask your doctor if Cowbucil is right for your cow.
What's the best way to get bubble gum out of your hair? Cancer
I like my women like i like my upvotes. Under 16 and being fucked with by people online.
Once Chuck Noris .... Once Chuck Noris had sex in a pick up truck ... today the truck is known as Optimus Prime.
What's white & falls from the sky? "The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Ferguson, MO In the after hours bars where the cops in Ferguson hang out, the most popular tipple is a 'Jim Crow': that's a shot of Jim Beam, and a shot of Old Crow - served separate, but equal.
Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.
PMS is a myth It's really just an ovary action.
My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 C Don't worry though, he's 0K.
Asked my dad if I could go to a 50 Cents concert He gave me a dollar to bring my sister with.
Have you seen the clown that hides from gay people?
An invisible man married an invisible woman... Their kids were nothing to look at either.
Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean? Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day.....
I'm not Anti-Social. I'm Pro-Doing Shit on my Phone.
What does Gollum think about Gandalf's smoking addiction? Stupid, filthy habitses!
Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.' Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.'
What's a pirates favorite letter? Nope, it's the C that they love
Why being gay is a serious issue? Because men are fucking asshole
I'm hosting an event for people who are unable to have an orgasm. Let me know if you can't come.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
It's kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn't
I'd love to show a fountain to someone from the 3rd world: "This is our water showing off contraption. We also throw our extra money in it"
I like my women like I like my vegetables... 5 a day.
Last night I made love to my wife while camping.... It was in tents
Never get drunk before you write your grocery list. You'll end up adding things like "vegetables" and "someone who will marry me."
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Reddit, what is your go to Q &amp; A joke? The cornier the better.  What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.  What do you call an epileptic cow? Beef jerky.
What's White &amp; Gooey and Rains Down From the Sky? The coming of the Lord.
is it "milfs" or "milves"?
Hey it's Bill Gates! Mr. Gates, why was 6 afraid of 7? "I don't know, because 7 8 10?"
Please follow the instructions 1) Read all instructions 2) Sacrifice a goat 3) Cut off your fingers 4) Eat glass 5) Only do number one
My business is awkward smiles and poorly executed high-fives, and business is good.
What do you call a turtle with a hard on? -A slow poke.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they're trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, "Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft."
I'm a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I'm going to find you and build you a bench.
Can someone get Trump a thesaurus, I can't listen to the same 23 words every day
My dealer needed to do laundry so i sold him a dime bag of quarters.
After reading some marriage tweets I'm beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? You strangle it until it turns blue, and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
DAD: I invented a diaper that's also a time machine! MOM: Where do the poops go DAD: dunno! [CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942] HITLER: omfg
Optimism? Sure, it's worth a try. I don't see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
When is a parent like a child? When he's a miner.
Did you hear about the nun who only made her clothes out of rags she found on the street? She had a very odd habit.
I know five people who are clinically insane... I'm two of them.
Let me tell you the funniest joke I know... Hold on for update, I'm on mobile. edit: forgot the joke
"You make as much sense as taking a blind man to a silent movie!"
Q: April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims.
Who is "back at it again with the white vans?" pedophiles.
Did you know Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock? Yeah, but it's up his ass and it belongs to Usher
Funny one liner if the purpose of technology is to make our lives easier, then i need a "voice-based-auto-adjustable-underwear".
Hilary clinton joke Friend:What are you going to the party as Me:Hilary Friend:why Me:Aren't you supposed to be something scary Friend: ;-;
What do you call an Ethiopian with a piece of cheese on his head? Quarter pounder with cheese!
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just beat the room for being black.
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it's making headlines
What's the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, "Spit out your gum!" The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"
Why is a schoolhouse red? You would be too if you had 7 periods a day.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory? All he did was take a day off.
How do gossipy hamburgers spend their time? They chew the fat.
I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune!
A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?" "You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!" "Not this time, your dog died."
I've decided to move to southern France... I've got nothing Toulouse.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? He stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you're on a cruise!
What did one potatoe say to another? Dan Quayle wrote this joke.
Drive-thru worker just recoiled in horror when I rolled down my window & she got walloped by a bucket of moist farts.
So I heard Lena Dunham has a new show coming out... It's called Sister, Sister.
*walks in stumbling* Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!? "Just a couple shots" Oh that's not bad then *flashback to Paul injecting heroin*
Why can't there be a League of Legend's team of 5 Lucians? Because you can't have a team with only 3 champions.
Q: How many Development Executives does  it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Well first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.
Here's one for you 369
TIFU by being a dyslexic bus driver Whoops, wrong bus
I'm only tweeting this to keep myself from looking up from my phone and accidentally making eye contact with a stranger.
Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally
How does a flower get pollinated? Beez Nuts!
Basically, I'm paying for a gym membership just to have the keyring thingy so people think I actually go to one...
Do you know the definition of a bonehead? Someone who's marrow minded.
Count Dooku has always been puzzled by his wife, Sue.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
"It's one of those new Hoverboards!" 9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together. "Don't be silly. Now go vacuum...I mean play upstairs"
Did you guys hear about the new cocaine dealer in town? I hear he comes highly recommended.
How many black people does it to pave a driveway? One. You just have to spread him real thin.
I'm single for so long My last girlfriend dumped me on MSN.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandad Not screaming and crying like his passengers.
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
A patient said to a psychiatrist, "I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint." The psychiatrist said, "Sounds like you have a gilt complex."
What's black, and breaks into houses? A wrecking ball
So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me: What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone? You skip them both.
My pal is 6 ft 5, and his wife of ten years is only 3ft 10. After a decade of marriage he's still nuts over her.
If pink and glitter were vitamins blondes would be the healthiest people alive.
What did Donald Duck say to Goofy? I Fucked your Dad !! Lol !!
What did Obi-wan say to Skywalker the first time he saw him as Darth Vader? (snickering) Nice suit, must have cost you an ...
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...
Please help me with a punchline to: "How do you find an amish guy on the internet..." I've got nothin, but I feel like there could be something there. Any help is appreciated.
How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Not 6, because it's still dark down there...
I dated a meteorologist once just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.
What do you call a dinosaur who joins the band The Clash? A StayGosaurus
"I gotta 'A' in spelling" Tony told his father. "You dope!" he replied. "There isn't any 'A' in  'spelling'!"
Where does Ubisoft have the most trouble in school The Division
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Whose shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come  forward.
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop? Ivana Pulyova
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Stop making jokes about noses It snot funny
I'm a necrophiliac... ...but my friends seem to be cool about it
If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
Man Rule #6......Men's Olympic Swimming events are the "Only" I repeat "Only" time speedo's are allowed!!!
post and comment hey nice jokes
How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece a' cake!
Ways Ryan Gosling and I are similar: 1. Up to date on our vaccinations 2. I dunno, that's probably it and I'm not sure about that first one.
If you're driving a Porsche in traffic I'm not letting you in because life already let you in enough.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
how do you piss of a frenchman? ask him what part of canada he's from
I would teach Honey-boo-boo to speak in the third person, just to hear what she'd say if she had a small cut on her arm.
Wanna hear a dyslexic joke? Knock there who's knock?
What is a North Korean's favorite school subject? Kimistry
What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a  prisoner ? A Kong - vict !
What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.
What do you call a cross between a hippo, an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know
I'd like to stab you now. Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.
What do you call the surgical procedure for a female to male sex change? An Addadicktome.
I think I must have a leather allergy because whenever I wake up with my shoes on I have a headache.
What is the difference between a yogurt and america? If you leave the yogurt for 100 years alone, it develops a culture.
I always thought air was free Until I bought a bag of chips.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because, he ate the pizza before it was cool.
Why was Cinderella bad at basketball? Because her coach was always a pumpkin.
more like Clifford the Big Red Reason we are Homeless
I just got diagnosed with the inability to feel emotions Now I'm sad
Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before  retiring. Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm  sixty-five?
My life. Best joke I know!
Why is Harry Potter so popular? The story grows on you.
It's Earth Day... FUCK Uranus!
Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators The other 33% have brand new ones
I like my women like I like my corn. On the cob, I mean on my junk, I mean I didn't think this joke through
Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.
This Halloween I'm going to dress up like Bernie Sanders... and go around the bar drinking 90% of everyone elses beer...
I tripped over my girlfriends bra.... I guess she planted a boobie trap.
What do you call a bad hairdresser who is also very expensive? A rip-off.
Friend: what time do you usually go to bed? Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4
What did Brad Pitt in Seven and Harvey Weinstein in real life both get? Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work? ME: I took care of it. BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it] Nice work today.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
Magic School Bus Movie Don't get your hopes up
Little kid walks in on his daddy masturbating... * Daddy, what are you doing? * I am jerking off, soon you will be doing it. * But why, daddy? * Because my hand is getting tired.
I went to go see my therapist without my clothes on. I told him I didn't feel very sane. My therapist said, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Nothing rhymes with Trump Wait. I meant nothing rhymes with orange
If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace... how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
An Irishman walks out of a bar... !!!
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."
Why cannibals prefer to eat gay people? Because they have good taste.
Im a bit hurt that my friends told me I'm condescending. Condescending is a big word that means you talk down to people.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump? Trump wears more makeup.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Nan, what is death? Nan? NAN? ..
What is blurrier the more you squint? Everything.
Seriously, get off the computer once in a while... smell the roses... volunteer... show your balls to a turtle... make a ham fort...
What do you use when you are drowning in women? A flirtation device.
Fall asleep on a jigsaw. Woke up with a puzzled face.
I was gonna tell a joke about OCD... but.
I Opened A Shelter Called "Tempura House" It's for lightly battered women.
This is my "go to" dirty joke ...always What did one tampon say to the other..... nothing, they are both stuck up cunts. ba dum tiss
What do you call a dad that raps? (x-post from r/dadjokes) A hip pop. Happy fathers day!
I hate being happy because it makes my tweets suck.
A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy. "ephedrine?" "I can't serve you that" "sudoephedrine" "There you go".
Does Axe make a spray that smells like one of those soft pretzel stores at the mall? I'd use that daily.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
There are two sides to every story. My side and the right side.
I took up guitar lessons recently. It's pretty simple, really. Unless the song requires the blue button.
What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..? If we stick together, we can stop this sh*t.
The ugliest baby in the world was just born... they didn't print a birth certificate... they printed an apology letter instead.
Drunkenly changed my voicemail to "if you like cheese, press 2. Para Spanish, press cheese. To hear more cheeses, say goooo-DA"
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear (buccaneer).
What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease? Let's name our sandwich shop after it
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of boats? Because if they fell foward, they would still be on the boat.
I've got 99 problems but my battery is almost dead so I guess we'll have to talk about this later.
So a beautiful girl I met was coming to my house.. But I was afraid of getting a boner, so I taped my dick to my leg. She shows up in a mini-skirt, smoking hot.. so I kicked her in the face.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 
Saw an ad for a mirror. It said "Never used". How, then, did they know it was a mirror?
Women's Rights... What?. did you expect more?
David was hard at work... it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says "kill, kill, kill" as his eyes swirl...
Did you hear the one about the sidewalks? It's all over the streets.
A bit computer geeky I feel bad for kids being born these days their grandkids will never know what an IPv4 address is.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea green soup? Anyone can roast beef.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[NSFW] why do penguins have flat dicks? Because they masturbate like this *imitates penguin flapping arms*
A Jew is happy. A Jewish person finds out that his car is full of gas. When he found out he was happy and he said "this is ISIS on the cake".
If Eminem converted to Islam.. ..he'd be MuSlim Shady.
Who's the most badass flower salesman? Chuck Florist
The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it "shes probably lying airlines".
How do we know the Indians were the first  people in North America? They had reservations.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It's okay, just go on without me
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA? A ban from the petting zoo.
"I set all the cattle free." - Reverse Cowgirl
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What will the ISIS be called when we eventually destroy them? WASWAS.
Her: OMG! The holidays aren't an excuse to stuff your face with whatever edible that crosses your path. Me: I eat like this everyday.
You guys hear about the hippy who drowned? He was too far out, man.
They should just report when there WASN'T a shooting in Florida at this point
So my girlfriend of five years asked me... . . "Daddy, when is my 6th birthday?"
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's ok to leave her alone with him.
Seeing as how reddit is taking so many pictures of lightning... Reddit must have some lightning fast reflexes
The best part about this status update is that by the time you've finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it
I got a nice Rolex from the lesbian couple next door after they asked me what I wanted for my birthday. It's a cool gift and all, but I think they misunderstood me when I told them I wanna watch.
my biggest fear is ants working together to lift my house up, and bring it somewhere
I'm a strict vegetarian. After I kill a cow I don't eat ANY of it.
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? One can finish a race.
My work fired me for only losing a kilo! It sure is tough working for the International Bureau Of Weights And Measures...
Three Mexicans were seen at the border. They were tres passing.
Did you Hear About the Paper Joke? It was tear-ible
What do you call a fire at the Internet  cafe? An e-mergency.
Why did the stand-up comedian get such bad reviews? He was sitting.
I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.
Everyone thought the swordsmith was very persuasive He made a good point
A wise Chinese man once said... "If a dog barks... its probably undercooked".
First I dated a seventh day adventist and then a mormon I told my mom that im not just in it for the sects but she doesn't believe me.
I need a girl that appreciates the little things. So when I take my pants off she will be excited.
Forgot to put the salmon in the fridge after dinner so tomorrow for lunch, I'll have the salmon and the shits.
I thought it was funny teaching my parrot racial slurs, but I was horrified after reading his "Race War Manifesto"
Some people say that it's impossible to have fun and burn calories.. I suppose those people have never burned a fattie.
You're about as useful as closed captioning in a porno.
I like my whiskey like I like my women 18 years old and all mixed up with coke
How do you catch a Pokemon? Dig a hole and put Ash Ketchum in it. Then when a Pokemon comes by, run up and kick it in the Ash-hole.
<--- 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says "going down". Never gets old.
Why did Sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street? She got hit by a Bus.
What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG BANG CLOP CLOP? An Amish drive-by shooting
Do people ever come up and sing your own songs to you? Dave Grohl: Literally all the time Me: What if I say I'm not like the others?
Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a "What's up" text right now Be strong. Don't answer. Eat ice cream.
The only reason Indian mothers don't shop online is coz they cant bargain there
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
If Donald Trump becomes president in 2016, there will be hell toupee.
I like my women like I like my coffee... In an airtight bag in the freezer.
Did it hurt when you fell off a whore tree and banged every man on the way down?
Somebody should open an arcade called The Jungle, and hire Axl Rose to welcome the customers.
If I ever have a daughter, i'm gonna name her Desire And when she is 18, I'll kick her out of the house and when she asks why, I'll say "Because all suffering comes from desire".
I have a splitting headache today. Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Why did the moth go into the dentist's office? The light was on.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she'd hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[job interview] Interviewer: "Do you have any questions for me?" Me: "How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?" Interviewer:
A father says to his son, Father: son stop masturbating so much or you'll go blind  Son: dad I'm over here
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
Religious gardening rising in popularity with today's youth. Parents around the nation are alarmed at their teens obsession with Sects and Violets.
If E.A made an alphabet. Do you think if E.A made an alphabet they would make a free betabet then release the the betabet as an alphabet?
Uses pic of car as profile pic. Gets hunted down by Decepticons.
i know you kids love uber and airbnb, so today i want to tell you all about the real 'sharing economy.' that's right. communism
Q: What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor? A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
Have you heard the news about Bismuth? He recently came out as Bi.
Mrs. Claus can't have kids Do you know why Mrs. Claus can't have kids? Because Santa only comes once a year, and that's down the chimney.
Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.
What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex? One doesn't brown your meat.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
If I have trouble finding an arm hole while putting on a dress shirt, I imagine I'm rehearsing for my show "Damien Fahey: Shitty Magician".
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it's like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don't like it
Islam is.. ..a religion of peace
My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the  driver.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking? It was making him Moody Edit: Guys, its a Harry Potter Joke for those who don't get it.
If Adam and Eve were chinese they would have stayed in paradise Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.
How do you know if Helen Keller just masturbated? She spits when she talks.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.
"Meh-eh-eh. Meh-eh-eh" - Apathetic goat.
If a quiz is quizzicle, then what is a test?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
A joke about my girlfriend
Question: What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.
I will always remember what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. He said, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Only Juan
Behold the nuclear arsenal of North Korea and Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un! The very Earth quakes in terror!
What type of porn do vampires watch? Fangbang.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
A priest and a rabi are walking down the street... And they see a little boy. The priest says,"Hey, we should go screw that little boy." And the rabi says,"Oh yeah? Out of what."
Words can't even describe how beautiful you are. But numbers can, 3/10.
They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it.
At this point, I'm pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers
Dogs are "practice babies" and cats are "practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with."
The man entered his home and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone has stolen every lamp in his house.
Is the end of the world happening right now? The internet is not working on my phone, so that was my first logical conclusion.
What is the cannibals' favorite game?  Swallow my Leader.
Why isn't China a democracy? Because then they'd have to hold erections.
Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.
Why are women so odd? Because they can't even. Huh huh?
What's the hardest part about fucking a cripple? Paralyzing her.
What's worse than a pile of dead babies? One in the center eating its way out. What's worse than that? It goes back for seconds.
Did you hear Kevin Trudeau is working on a new book? It's called Prison Yard Secrets "They" Don't Want You to Know About.
Whats 1+0? Babies
Roses are red-ish... Violets are blue-ish. If it wasn't for Jesus, we'd all be Jewish.
What's a horny pirates worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty! *ba dum tssh*
Bars are one of the few places that will solve your problems & create your problems at the same time.
Remember April showers bring May flowers. But, Mayflowers being smallpox.
Crimea River What did say to bama.
*discovering flying dinosaur* PALEONTOLOGIST: We'll call it pterodactyl, for "wing fingers" ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I offered a North Korean some freedom He said "Im glad its free but what the hell is 'dom'"
How do you get a lot of people to check out your post? Mark it NSFW
Me: We don't have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I'm sad. Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby
How does a german get to the airport? He heils a taxi!
What's the difference between a toilet and a sink? ... Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore.
A a few States in the south celebrate MLK and Robert E Lee day on the third Monday in January. They are working to separate them.
What happened to the two ants who got into a fight on a toilet seat? They got pissed off.
Hey, Reddit. Time for Michael Jackson / Liz Taylor jokes! Go! Please. I can't think of one and I can just sense that this topic is ripe.
How many panhandlers dose it take to change a light bulb ''There's change in the light bulb?''
What do you call a chicken coop with four doors? A chicken sedan
Cheese makes everything better... *sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
What do you call a baby bull? A bully!
What do you call it when you shit yourself during the first meal of the day? An Incontinent-al Breakfast
Why don't lions eat clowns? Because they taste funny
Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it got pissed off.
Why did the internet pirate get scurvy? He couldn't use Lime Wire anymore.
Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night? Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
You know what they say about small feet... Big truck
What does the government and pedophiles have in common? They defile private things.
"WTF IS THIS?!?!" dad demands as he looks at my report card. I explain to him the idea of schooling and grading systems and he calms down.
I stole a toilet seat from a police station once, and they never figured out it was me. They had nothing to go on.
Why does the KKK wear all white? Because they hate black, people!!!
Oh, your kid gets straight A's at school? That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
The hardest thing about being a Pink Floyd fan... ...is watching a vegetarian eat pudding.
Diff Good Girl &amp; Bad Girl What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.
What race is the author of Charlotte's Web? E B White
How do you make Instagram worthy coffee? #nofilter
I thought the Undertale genocide run was comic, But than I met sans. ^I'm ^so ^sorry.
Starbucks? Yes I'd like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name's Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Jared Fogel was sentenced to 15.6 years in prison for having sex with underage individuals He was just happy to get anything under 18
Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors? If it had four it'd be a chicken sedan!
Everybody keeps telling me I'm paranoid... it's like a fucking conspiracy. -Jessica Jones
Definition of FACEBOOK? It's a place where Boy posts a Joke, Gets No Response....And If Girl Posts The Same Joke, She Gets 150 Likes, 300 Comments & 60 Friends Requests.
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb? One. But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.
Where did Susie go during the bombing? Everywhere
The fact that twitter is at it's busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
WARNING ! ! ! This is a VIRUS . . . When you turn your phone off it WON'T WORK AGAIN.. U are a BITCH Beautiful Intelligent Talented Cute Hilarious r u smiling now? ? ? ? *YOU ARE REALLY BITCH*
My all-time favorite one liner NSFW Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
Why /r/Hillaryclinton is a ghost town All their keyboards have water damage.
This subreddit has terrible puns on pretty much every subject. In particular, it has puns about the Scottish.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Best garage sale ever! It's not advertised, nobody's here and it's all free! It's like my neighbor accidentally left his garage door open.
That awkward moment when your in super deep thought. Then 3 minutes later you realize you are staring directly at someone.
What is the definition of "trust?" Two cannibals giving each other head.
The Most Dangerous Place on the Planet! Those BASTARDS!!! It's a [death trap](http://www.savagemill.com/wp-content/uploads/StoreFront_HandsOfTime.jpg)...
What is the best time to watch Predator? Anytiiiiiiiiiime
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through an alley last night? One was a salted.
What makes an ink joke so funny? The plot.
A Priest and a Rabbi observe a 10-year old boy walking down the street. Priest: Wanna fuck him? Rabbi: Out of what?
Can you name all the dissimilarities between men and women? I can't either, but I'm sure there's a vas deferens.
What do you get if you turn an evil laugh backwards? A laughing cow. Ahahahahahahahamoo.
my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
My friend got a pretty bad haircut I told him it would grow on him
I don't know how Valve managed to do it, but... they even included the British Pound in their summer sale this year.
I am genuinely terrified of my Biology Professor I heard he has a lot of skeletons in his closet
/r/im14andthisisdeep? ...I'm 12 and that's what she said
Why did the woman's visit to wall street land her in the hospital? Because the stock broker!
How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's House? All right, all right, all right..
What do you call a gang of tires? A rubber band
Stranger:"Your tag is sticking out" Me:"Does it say size 4?" Stranger:"Yes it does" Then don't touch it bitch,it's supposed to stick out
Why did little Jimmy break open his computer? It said that it had 20 cookies in it.
I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with my back. I'm not sure yet, but I have a hunch.
Why doesn't the pope like continuous functions? They're not hole-y.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone's living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
What did Hillary Clinton say when she got to the restaurant? "Can I have a private server?"
I'm not racist, I have black friends. Or at least I did until my dad sold them.
Cable guy's here. I plan on yelling "DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU IN FRONT OF HIM!" to my girlfriend before he leaves.
What do you call an Inbred cow? A sandwich!
How many pallbearers are needed at an Indian funeral? 2, it only takes two people to carry a trash-can.
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry  about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
Why did Thor not invite many people to his brother's wedding? Because it was Low key
Why did the writer not like his friends book? It wasn't his type.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack!
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
my wife says she's leaving me for being to arrogant. I said don't slam the door on your way back in.
What kind of ice cream runs for president? neapolititian
Q: How many buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three - one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change-and not-change it.
the real people to blame for 911 I heard it was two irish carpenter s paddy and mick fitting doors on the 60th floor paddy told mick to get a plain n take some of the top. Mick misinterpreted
If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.
A Unit of Power Walks Into A Bar Watt?
My grandma got a hip replacement My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.
The guy who cuts my hair tells me that the iPad 3 is coming out in March and the iPad 4 is coming out in October.
A liberal arts student walks into a bar. (Insert pronoun here) can't buy anything.
What kind of overalls does Super Mario wear? denim denim denim...
I'm just grateful that I don't have to draw on my eyebrows everyday because I would totally forget to do that.
if i don't respond to your text, it's because i fell asleep finding a dumb picture of mos def to send u in lieu of typing "most definitely"
Why should you never put the punchline in the title? Because it ruins the joke
You remind me of my appendix... You remind me of my appendix. I have no idea what you do, but I'd love to take you out.
"No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you." - soulmates
Mega Bites by Amos Quito
Wife: It's not a chick flick! Me: was the movie released in February? W: yes. M: are they standing back to back on the cover? W: sigh.. yes
Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks?  Because their heads are so close to their bodies!
My pants are so tight I'm legitimately afraid they won't fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
A pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel in his pants... The bartender says "hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" the pirate responds "ARGH! it drives me nuts!"
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef strokin' off.
Nose hairs must be the longest hairs on the human body. When you pull them your arsehole twitches.
Congradulations, you have won a lifetime-supply of batteries from He Man's new company: The Power of Greyskull
FIFA is a nonprofit. That's it. That's the joke
As a German, this year is the first year I'm really happy... ...that I have missed the Coke X-Mas truck.
I got my kid a cat as a present, but it died before X-mas... Now I'm stuck taking care of a cat
Why do old people read the bible so much? I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"
Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket. It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.
A classic Dutch bakerjoke * A man walks into a bakery. * Baker: How can I help you? * Man: I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!!! * Baker: Get out dad, i'm trying to work.
What is Batman's favorite thing to do with his money? Make it Wayne.
I hate people who don't know the difference between "you're" and "your". There so stupid.
name a hurricane "Jesus" cuz then u could say "Jesus is coming" & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Gabe Newell just died... His hair black
I put on my favorite disco album yesterday. My wife tried telling me disco was dead. I said "No honey, it's not. You're thinking of your mother.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn't even have lights at the Super Bowl.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes prison Is a small medium at large.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down
How do you fix a broken rock. Geosporin.
It's not Wingardium Leviosa It's Wingardium Leviosah-Dude
If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.
(Meta) To all the people with disgusting "jokes" Guess what......... Chicken Butts!
I just read that the average person spends 2 weeks waiting for a traffic light to change. Fuck that. I'd run it after 3 or 4 minutes tops.
Some guy jumped me in the alley...! Yeah he was so nice. My battery had run out because I left my lights on!
To be fair, being Swiss isn't ALL bad The flag is a big plus
Live debate - where is the "China" counter? Someone must be doing this :)
two men walk into a bar one man goes to the bartender and says "i think i will have some h2o". then the second man says "that sounds good I'll have some h2o too". The second man died
So my sister is pregnant with her first child. I'm so happy to finally be a father!
Doctors in the 40's used to prescribe orgasms to stressed women. Which seems pretty liberal until you realize he used his hand to do it.
What starts with "E" and has only one letter in it? Envelope!
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they aren't mistaken for feminists.
have i ever told you your smile reminds me of a song? black and yellow
What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Hungry.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals ME: no problem [later w/ a group] ME: that's Greg, & that's Linda...
Why is it better to be a redditor rather than a suicide bomber? You are guaranteed to meet more virgins..
What do you call a dog with no legs? Why bother calling it?
I totally understand how batteries feel Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids And I Shrunk Some Water Skis And Now This Little Squirrel Is Skiing In Our Pool And Its Rad You Gotta See This Babe
A girl compliments a guy on his new phone. Girl: 'Nice phone!' Guy: ' Thanks! I won it in a race.' Girl: ' Who were the participants?' Guy: ' The owner, the cop and me. '
A boss is like a diaper Always on your ass, and usually full of shit.
If a man and woman from Arkansas get a divorce... Are they still brother and sister?
What do you call a midget clown that juggles? A Juggalo
What's the cheapest present for an ophan? A tattoo with dad
Roses are red, I have a phone, no one texts me, forever alone.
[marriage counseling] She's always getting mad at me "There's a shark living in our pool" IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I don't get why everybody hates on ISIS.... Their drug policy, for one, is incredibly progressive. Women get stoned legally over there all the time!
I don't understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal. I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
Why did the policeman stay in bed today? he was undercover *!*
Did you guys see the new Mad Max prequel? It was playing on every channel last night
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that's either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
HIPSTER BOOTY CALL... BEER Can I buy you an ironically lowbrow beer?
I Like My Women Like I Like My Coffee.... Well educated, independent, pretty looking and doesn't nag all day
Q: Why don't blacks fuck Afghans? A: Because they are going to make you blow.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Hey girl, are you an orphanage? Because I want to give you kids.
you can't watch porn on the new iphone they took the jack off
I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.
I rented The Interview on ITunes tonight. I have to say it was the most boring movie I've ever seen. Two hours into it and it still isn't ready to play.
Oh cool this dress has pockets to keep my snacks in
I know one song that won't be popular in gay clubs anymore. Murder on the Dance Floor.
I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a  mirror.
Just watched a heart-warming video of a soldier returning home from Afghanistan to his cat, who looks at him as if to say "Were you away?"
if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i'm eating before i die
Exams are like girlfriends! - difficult 2 understand - too many questions - more explanations are needed And results are most of the time failure...
Chemistry Joke: What is "Me"+"U"... A rare gathering.
Guys aren't the only one who get friendzoned! I'm so deep in the friendzone that I've met his girlfriends parents
They say a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush But a penis in the bush is better than two in the hand any day.
hello 911? yes do you think i'm pretty
When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money. Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.
Just once, I'd like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
How do you get a fool to read something? Mark it as NSFW
What did Jonathan Ross say after breaking in to a large kitchen to steal some utensils? It was worth the whisk
What is it with lesbians? If they hate men so much, why do they dress like them? You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi.
There is a 88% chance my chalk outline will be holding a piece of cheese.
[NSFW] What do they say after intercourse in Alabama? "Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my smokes!"
I like my women like I like my herpes... alllll on my dickkkk oh *yaaaah*
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore? Row v. Wade
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child's voice say "hello" becuase i dread making smalltalk
What's the worst part about smelling moth balls? Having to move the moth dick out of the way first.
I've got a hot auntie that works for the electric board. Do you wanna meter?
I've been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex's number popping up on my phone this morning.
What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed? No whey...
If I say something, in the middle of a forest...with no women around to hear me... ...am I still wrong? [credit](http://forums.macrumors.com/showthread.php?t=90423#10)
Why are pirates always angry when they go to the restroom? Because they p-irate.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Whats the difference between an onion and a hooker? *Dead pan face*, I don't cry when I cut up hookers.
What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner? All rice, all rice, all rice
"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?" "Ask your sister!" "I don't have a si- Oh."
My gf told me she had an STD... I would've been surprised, but I heard this one before
When do ghosts play tricks on each other? On April Ghoul's Day
Oregon's defense.
Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it's not.
Why do they call it the Xbox360? Because when you see it, you turn 360 degrees and walk away.
When I retire, I want to be a hunter... I wanna go out with a bang
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9-11 victims, they went through 104 stories in 7 seconds i hope this isn't a repost
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
What travels down an alley and has holes in it? Batman's parents.
How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight? Just one with depression.
How do you know when the moon is going broke? When it's down to its last quarter.
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer.... ..and a mop.
According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking According to my bartender, I look great Moral of the story: I'm drunk
I lost 1/2 a pound in one hour! Want to know how? I cut off 14 inches of hair!
What's worse than ants in your pants? ...uncles
A man named Gene, and a man named Eugene meet. Hi, I'm Gene. Hi, I'm You,Gene.
An Eskimo's lover leans in close and says.. "baby, kiss me." The Eskimo leans forward, shakes his head, and says "no".
If the camera really does add 10 pounds Do Ethiopian kids even exist?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
What do I and Y2K have in common? Neither of us can get a date right ;_;
Why is the new Brexit diet so popular? All you gotta be is a little more than halfway into it and the pounds will start falling.
How to know if a cat is male or female, from far ? Put a cup of milk on the floor. If he comes it's a male and if she comes it's a female !
Soon be Christmas... WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.
what do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? an ass that'll bring a tear to your eye
What do you get if you put morphine on your toast? Crumfortably Numb!
What do you get when you cross a republican house with a democratic senate?
Why do Jews get circumcised ? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 10% off
How do you keep a retard in suspense? ...
I've seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
There was two muffins. They were put in the oven One muffin says to the other muffin, "wow its hot in here!" The other muffin said "WHOAH, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. .
There's no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
"I'm a hoarse whisperer..." - Batman
A bullet hit chuck norris yesterday Today is the bullet's funeral
Me: Just so you know, I'm DTF right now. Wife: I don't know what "DTF" means. Me: Take a guess. Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus? He waits at the next station
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every  cabin!
How does a Jewish man make coffee? He brews it
Who was the first black person accepted into Harvard University? The Janitor
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Science flies you to the moon Religion flies you into buildings
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.
Tried to go for anal with my gf without talking about it She says, "that's a dick move"
Please write my tombstone in Comic Sans font.
Saw a man waiting for the bus who just stood there staring into the distance. It was as if he just didn't own a phone or something. Weird.
April Fools Day The one day out of the year where all of reddit becomes /r/nottheonion
When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water
Why did Hitler delay the invasion of Britain? The weather called for *Heil*
I was really moved when I saw someone hosting a 5k for special Olympics athletes. Well, until I realized it was just another zombie pub crawl
How many punks does it take to change a light bulb? None. Punks never changed anything.
Why do they name all hurricanes after women? Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car
What do girlfriends and ass hairs have in common? They never let shit go.
Was it bad? To yell at my gf if I should dig up hitler to show her how to use an oven
I have two children, one's five months and the other is twenty one months... ...we didn't want too big a gap, so my wife had them both by caesarean. -Ed Byrne
What do you call a Jewish cop? Kosher Pork.
What job do you never stop training for? Conductor
A guy walks into a bar and asks the guy across from him why his hands were all over his face: The guy across replies: "Because I am a clock you drunk fuck."
What do you feel when there's no more coffee? Depresso.
What key opens a banana? A monkey. What key opens a carrot? A donkey.
Feeling strange Mr. Bond? It's because I laced your Martini with a vaccine for Measles You now have Autism!
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn't stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.
Two fish are high on heroin playing basketball "Oh man", says one fish. The other fish replies, "What, you hooked?" He says "All net."
The Romans have a lot of Gods. They have a God for everything. The only thing they don't have a God for is premature ejaculation. But I hear that's coming quickly.
Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
Why arent the americans playing chess? ...they are missing two towers.
My mouth so dry... Eli Whitney walk up on me while I'm yawning and invent the cotton gin.
Samsung Gn7 user here. despite all the abuse they're getting I was surprised that it's actually a really great phone I mean the battery life alone just blew me away
HER: We need to talk. ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk. HER: ... ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
You can idolize anything... You just have to put your mind into it.
Did you hear about the nudists that attempted to forcefully take over a local beach? It was roundly condemned as a case of naked aggression.
Got a secondhand robot. Practically good as new! Just a few nicks and scratches, and a tendency to murder.
Why did the band Wham! break up? Because he didn't wake him up before he went went. It's [Jitterbug]( http://youtu.be/pIgZ7gMze7A), people.
What disease do Spartans get the most? Leon-itis.
Fun Fact: Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn't like The Princess Bride.
Old ladies smell both good & bad. Like if you farted through a scented dryer sheet.
Library joke Why are librarians so lonely? They're always by them shelves Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold
What do you say to comfort the grammar nazi? There, their, they're...
I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators... But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try. So it IS possible, guys. IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
What did the white high school dropout get for his birthday? A legacy scholarship for his second choice school
The NSA hired Sarah Palin so she could keep an eye on Edward Snowden
WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you? ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
A gross joke which is better to listen to, than to read. - What is the difference between diarrhea and a regular stool? You can't [gbrblblblbl](gargling noise) with a regular stool.
Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from? I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.
I like Jews how I like my cookies. Cooked in an oven
What is a gay couples favorite fruit? Cantaloupe
Which country will be the first to change to all electric vehicles? Madagascar
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road  anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won't find them.
I called the pet store to ask if they sell exotic cats. "Yes" he said. "Serval Varieties" ^I ^better ^see ^some ^horrible ^retaliatory ^puns ^in ^the ^comments
"Ed's Plumbing" Hi I think an engagement ring is stuck in my toilet "ok when did your lady drop-" She didn't "Sir?" I hid it in her dessert
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard.
It's hard to believe my teenage son hasn't got a job yet. I was sure his special skill of keeping it real' would impress any potential employers.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.
My Deaf girlfriend told me..... My Deaf girlfriend told me to fuck off. That's not a good Sign
I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev from a company called You Crane.
I've started writing crossword puzzles for a national newspaper. The money is not great but It's allowed me to buy a little two up two down house.
(Not a joke) Can have some flairs for the type of joke? So we'll know which jokes are One-liners,short,long,punny,and anti-humor
What is the worst thing about Gonorrhea ? the taste!
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then? "Google Glass" I know what glass is, Catherine.
Friday night is Fred Flintstone sliding down the dinosaur's back.
A man is getting a prostate exam... During the exam, the man asks the doctor, "Is there anything I should be worrying about?" The doctor says, "Only if you can feel both my hands on your shoulders."
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher. So of course I had to fire her.
What do you call it if an illegal immigrant fights a sex offender? Alien vs. Predator
"Master Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are.."
Where do Arabians with cowboy hats gather? Howdy Arabia
18 holes What do you call the area between a womans vagina and butt hole? *The driving range, because that's where I hit my balls!*
[ Buzzfeed writer becomes a teacher ] "Kids today we will learn Alphabets. Here are 26 Alphabets that will blow your mind"
Doctor doctor people tell me I'm a  wheelbarrow. Don't let people push you around.
There are three things a bride thinks of on her wedding day As she arrives and sees her husband to be.... Aisle Alter Him
what do you call a lesbian in a ford windstar filled with penises? dick van dyke
Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons? (if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again) Because it takes longer to pick up.
What is Bill Cosby's favorite hotel chain? Red Roofie Inn. I'll show myself out.
I need 6 to 8 vegans... ...to mow my lawn. Plenty of food here, just bring your own drinks please.
Why Snoop Dogg can't eat a hotdog... Because he drops it like it's hot!
that's disgusting (unless you're up for it?)
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
Driving Have you ever been driving down the road and you flick a cig out of the window, then a few minutes later you smell something and turn around to see your nan fingering herself in the back seat?
If a man says something in the forest, and no woman is there to hear it... ...is he still wrong?
Is that water coming out of your nose? No, it'snot
I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer.
The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down." "Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!" "Because my arms are getting tired."
Why can't Jesus eat m&amp;ms? they keep falling through. If you aren't offended. Swap out black Jesus and skittles. Happy Easter.
Why are vaginas called beavers? because beavers eat wood
Why does Heisenberg hate driving? He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the Fresh Prints.
The best way to respond when a girl asks you if she's fat is to fake a seizure.
My relationship is complex because I am real but my S.O. is imaginary
I'm pretty sure God and Satan are both women, because who else would hold a grudge for that long?
I can't define "pattern matching" ...but I know it when I see it.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Nice try, black horses not named ShaNeighNeigh.
April showers bring the May flowers. What do the May Flowers bring? Pilgrims
GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime? ME:*nervously looks around* MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables
Yelling "shotgun" when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
What's the difference between Preston Coach Terminal and a lobster with 34e breasts? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I identify as a creeper from minecraft Because I become unstable when people get to close to me
Even though the nurse who performed my circumcision did a bad job... I still left her a tip.
Sex is like candy... You can't give it to little girls without people thinking you're a pedophile
I thought I defeated this dragon, but he's been following me around... I beat him off with a sword
What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.
Husband and AC Comparison Position of husband is like a split A.C. No matter how loud he is outside, but inside the house, he is designed to remain silent, cool &amp; controlled by remote.
I'm so pale all of my relationships are interracial.
What do you call a pile of cats? A Meowtain.
One time I got stuck holding a Starbucks door open from 2005-2007.
This morning's commute could have used more FAST and less FURIOUS.
How do barmen surf the web? On the Gin-ternet.
I prefer women with big breathing problems than big breasts. I'm an asthma-n.
My retirement plan is to die young and broke.
get away from the tree Dad: get away from that tree son! Son: why dad? Dad: it looks shady
M R Ducks Person 1: M R Ducks. Person 2: M R Not. Person 1: O S A R. C M Wangs? Person 2: L I B. M R Ducks! My grandmother told me this when I was 5ish. Don't know why it cracks me up.
If I had a dollar for everytime I unnecessarily sexualize a sentence, I'd have 69 dollars.
Well, at least I didn't kill a lion! - Bill Cosby
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off...
A lady went to the hospital after her husband beat her black and blue... After examining her under the bright lights, the doctor sent the white and gold lady home.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
What's the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber
If I enjoy drawing black people, does that make me a furry?
How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. But it takes 5 episodes.
Saw a cute girl at work today. I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.
I asked for a chemistry joke, and he responded with this. [x-post from r/dadjokes] What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer? The taste.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Why did the octopus become an electrician? Because many hands make light work.
What did Silicon say to Germenaium ? Got dope ?
Today I learned... That I'm on the wrong subreddit.
With a name like "Earl", I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.
Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most? The micro wave.
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graiins!
What did the Lion say to the Rhino? Y NO LEGS!
How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.
I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
The Victoria's Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The man who invented autocorrect just died. His funfair will be on Monkey.
What do all the Smiths in the telephone book have in common? They all have telephones...
How come, "I'm sorry" and "I apologise mean the same thing... ....except when you say them at a funeral?
Ever hear about the Jesus Bomb? Red bull and merlot
This show 2 broke girls
Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"
What advice to cows give? Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!
What do you call a group of people standing in the arctic circle? A Finnish line.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.
acquaintances (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
What do you call a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy who is well-endowed? A Hung-Ariyan.
Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's.
What word starts with F, ends with UCK, and people look for it when things get too hot... A Fuck. The word is "fuck"... honestly, I lead you right to it
Up dawg A man sees a long lost friend he says... 'Up dawg' 'What that?' 'What's what?' 'What's up dawg?' 'Nothing much hbu' '...? Oh hahahahahaha '
We woke up to a noise. I grabbed a bat. He grabs a can of body spray. "Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?"
Did you guys see the stock prices of brussel sprouts today? They really blew up....
I wish there were more dry sex acts like dry-humping. I think I'd really enjoy dry 69.
|(O)| MAARCOOO! ...... (.){
Two scientists walk into a bar The first one says "I'd like a beer" And the second says, "I'd like rum" They didn't wanna get H20. They were in flint.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 is a registered six offender.
Why won't you ever see an ant walk in a church? They're insects. I'll show myself out.
What do vegan zombies eat? Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnssssssssssssssss
How did the dog feel when he lost his  flashlight? Delighted.
What's the difference between a feminist and a trash bin? The trash gets taken out once a week.
My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.
Sorry I used your baby's bald head as a lipstick blotter.
How do they educate locomotive drivers? They train them
A Jehovah Witness Knock-Knock joke: KNOCK KNOCK..
Just managed to download the 'Titanic' soundtrack to my phone, even though some said it was unsyncable.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Robot Joke A robot walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve robots here". The robot squints and says "you will..."
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? because he was outstanding in his field.
as a lad i often drew 2 adjacent circles in a crude attempt to portray an Ass. ive since matured and only draw asses of the utmost precision
What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time? He screwed, nutted, and bolted.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people.
If your erection lasts longer than four hours, call your doctor. Or masturbate. Either one works
Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman... ... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.
What did the magician say to the cell? Might I conjure Ya?
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.
What did they gay necrophiliac say about his ex-lover? "That rotten asshole split on me again!"
What do accountants use for birth control? Their personalities.
What do sound engineers say when they leave? Audios
I'm never condescending That's when you talk down to people.
Why did the man drink two beers with his lunch? Because he wanted to drink two beers with his lunch.
How many Freudians does it take to change my mother? Edit: Sorry, I mean light bulb. &amp;nbsp; A: Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to hold my dick. &amp;nbsp; Edit: Dang. I mean the ladder.
Why did the pharoah go to the dentist? Because egypt his tooth.
Why I don't let my girlfriend play my PS4. 1. I don't have a PS4. 2. I don't have a girlfriend.
SOPA inspired joke: What has two eyes, two hands, two feet, and two noses Two Pirates
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I know he means well...
Did you hear about the guy who killed people on the train in Germany? Seems like he wanted to be an axe-man.
After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch's lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say "I guess that's why they call him Dr. Strange"
What's the difference between a feminist and a knife? The knife has a point. P.s: please don't kill me feminists, it's just a joke
Why are the buses in London red? You'd be too if you came every 10 minutes.
I have a job for you planting tulips.... ON DIS DICK!
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast.
What's the difference between regular sex and anal sex? One makes your day and one makes your hole weak.
I always hang on the rim after I dunk because it's really high up and I'm scared.
I realized that haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
What do you call it when a British Redditor posts a Showerthought about wiping til the tissue turns red? A bloody shitpost.
How do you get Americans to join a World War? Tell them it's nearly finished.
Did you know that Native Americans were really good strippers? Every time they danced, they made it rain.
What did the bra say to the hat? "You go on ahead, I gotta give these two a lift."
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion He was outstanding in his field.
Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.
TIL that someone in the UK gets stabbed every 52 seconds Poor guy.
Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was killed by a garter snake? Betty: That's impossible. A garter snake is not poisonous. Bob: It doesn't have to be if it can make you jump off a cliff!
What did the homeowners of house haunted by windows have? Phantom panes.
My wife is addicted to goji berries but I wish she was addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
Being old is like being in prison... It hurts to bend over.
A tree walks into a bar ... The bartender asks him to leave.
Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species. I left there full of egret.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that? My Boss: This is inappropriate Me: Your skin is so... My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait... What's that animal that plays dead?
GabeN failed at maths exam... Because he can't count up to 3
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Dancing Prime Minister Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer Dancing Lord Privy Seal -ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
What's grey and comes in quarts? [NSFW] Elephants.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I caught my wife cheating with the neighbor last night They are both banned from being the banker during monopoly game night now. That will teach them to sleep together.
What do you call a Chinese billionaire? Cha Ching
Judas: How long are your arms? Jesus: Why? Judas: Like in a cross, how long Jesus: A what? Judas:Across. How long across.
This year's Delta inflight buckle your seat belt video isn't as good as the last one. I give two and a half seat belts.
That awkward moment when your friends are singing "happy birthday to you" and you don't know where to look.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar... And the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Why does Tom Hiddleston only invite his closest friends/family to his birthday? He likes to keep things low key.
My neighbor is a veterinarian I can never tell whether he's talking about putting an animal to sleep or the "youth in Asia."
Lionel Ritchie says 'Hello', by the way.
Why won't Monica Lewinsky be voting for Hillary? Because the last Clinton presidency left a very bad taste in her mouth.
I wanted to get rid of my body hair through laser hair removal But it grew on me
I love telling your momma jokes she has a terrific sense of humor and a beautiful laugh.
So Sports Authority is going out of business. I hear their competitors are real Dicks.
Yes I get laid because I'm an illusionist. But I don't use "magic" or "tricks" on women. They respect my skills & choose to make love with m
Why Don't Santa Claus and Misses Claus have children? Because Santa only comes once a year and when he does its down the chimney.
What do you do when two lesbians make out in front of you in a bus? You get off.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto "ah-ha-ha-ha-" intro to Stayin' Alive
Until you can't kill a spider with an e-book, Print media will live.
What does a Bird and a fridge have in common? They Can Both fly except the fridge.
You know why the undertaker was fired? He made a grave mistake.
Why do they allow people in wheelchairs to bring carry-ons onto a plane? Aren't they themselves a carry-on?
And now a mediocre blonde joke: what do you call a blonde who dyes her hair Artificial intelligence
My friend is working on a website and told me he wanted to use MySQL. Why can't he just use HisOwnSQL?
The Internet manages to show how far Homo Sapeins have come while simultaneously showing how far they haven't.
I like my sex how I like my endoplasmic reticulum... Rough
What's the lightest thing in the world? The penis, Because we can lift it with a thought.
I should have noticed that my son, a railroad worker is stealing from his workplace But each time he came home I just ignored the signs
Before I workout, I like to warm up with 10 sets of selfie's.
A blind man enters a fishmarket... "Hello Ladies"
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin'. Might not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
what do you call that worthless flap of skin around a vagina a woman
What does kanye west eat for breakfast? an omlette you finish.
Hey, old people! Less driving, more dying. Thanks!
"Daddy, may I trouble you to clean a shocking amount of poo off my genitalia?" - if babies could talk
Where do you hide after killing a black person? Behind a badge
Despite it being close to Christmas, I'm still on my Summer diet... ...I'll have summer that, summer that, and summer that.
If a quiz is quizical, what is a test ? Title.
A horny male giant went to college.... He got a degree in giantities.
[Me as a Realtor] BUYERS: this is a great house, what's the catch? ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
During an appointment, a doctor tells his patient, "You have got to stop masturbating!" The patient gets concerned and asks, "Why? Is it affecting my health?" "No! I'm just trying to examine you!"
Never trust a fart... You never know what kind of shit your asshole is up to.
If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.
I got shoes from a drug dealer once... I don't know what it was laced with but I was tripping all day!!
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If I were to open a dollar store in the UK, I'd call it Pound Town.
What's a crossfit bro's favorite Italian dish? Testosteroni.
How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift... She seemed a little upset that I said she should've mailed it ahead of her visit.
Damn, boy are you Cosmo magazine? cause you sure have issues with women
Connecting to a wifi named 'Martin Router King' ... ... and suddenly I have a stream.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you're out of eyes.
I farted on the train and 4 people turned around. Felt like I was on The Voice. (Not an original joke)
Anyone who thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever has obviously never left Pizza Rolls in too long.
How do you encourage a potter while he's glazing his bowl? "Way to go dude, you're kiln it!"
Would you like to hear an original joke about Anal Beads...? Well, if you're lucky, later on in the night I might try to slip one in...
Him: you're terrifying Me: awww you're just saying that
Today I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Help! I was in Chipotle and a Vampire Weekend song came on and now I'm a Toms shoe!
If I Cuold Time Travel I wouldn't have dropped out of school
Kobe Bryant converted to Islam today As-salamu a-laker
Why did the monkey trip over the branch? Because the Chimp-Can't -See
Q: What does a bankrupt frog say? A: "Baroke baroke baroke."
There is only one rule for when you're in Mexico Trust no Juan.
What do communists clean first when they do their laundry? Their Linens
Every 60 seconds in Africa... a minute passes, you racist.
Two baby seals walk into a club...
Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men? Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"
What would be a terrible name for a new beer? Q: What would be a terrible name for a new beer? A: "Mondays"...because no one would EVER want to buy a case of the Mondays...
Kid: How did you meet daddy? Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion...
TIFU by forgetting what current MMO my friend played and wasting my money to buy WoW gametime Wrong sub.
What did the blind, def and mute kid get for Christmas? Cancer
I was created in a gas station. I was an in-petro fertilization baby.
A guy in school said that my clothes were gay "Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."
What's the difference between a policeman's baton and a magician's wand? One is used for cunning stunts and the other is used for stunning cunts.
Whats the most confusing day in Harlem? Father's day.
What's so great about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
What goes "oh oh oh"? Santa walking backwards.
Found out my "girlfriend" had a penis, so I broke it off .
What did the thug say to the mugging victim before he shot him. Worldstar.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence.
My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.
I saw a guy with a belt made out of wrist watches. Thought it was a pretty cool waist of time.
Ooopppsss Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish
What did Keanu Reeves say to slow down his horse? Whoa.
Old Spice Joke Look at the comments.
The chicken crossed the road. Him: Why did the chicken cross the road ? Her: Because she had heard that the mayor was going to lay a cornerstone and she wanted to see if he could really do it.
Can someone call me right now? I'm at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
What do you say to Jennifer Anniston after she has been stabbed? So noone told you knife was gonna be this way?
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
"If something goes wrong, we'll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened". This was a choice made.
Rape is a terrible crime... I'll never understand how a man can traumatize a woman like that. That's why I always make sure they don't remember...
Aerosmith According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.
CNN is running a spot called "Why Tsumanis are Dangerous". They should follow it with a spot on "Why Journalism Is Dead".
Who is the Fonz's favorite baseball team? A'szzzz
Over the years, my sexual fetishes have been getting more perverse But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I hit rock bottom
I took a poetry class at an all-girls school It was called Girls Gone Wilde.
Wanna hear something fucked up? When you find your dads wedding ring in your sister...
A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it's hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.
[seaside wedding] We are gathered here today to celebrate the- [bride picked up by giant seagull] -completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later, they walked out... Because they couldn't find a table.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years... ... then we met
Why are gym memberships illegal? Because of the Free Exercise Clause.
I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I'm with a screaming two year old wondering, "Who is that solo genius?"
My wife decided to take up painting Not to be outdone, I became an art critic.
What's the most common blood type among drummers? Heroin.
I can not fathom how some people are exactly 6 feet tall.
I can't wait until I'm 69. It's going to be hilarious.
I like a good long fiction piece... So I picked up the Bible at my local book store.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It's to the point that Google even knows when I'm high.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wiseman... Who gave Jesus the gift of the beard. Which he rocked until the day he died. And three days after.
Why did the black man walk backwards? I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.
The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!
I was overcharged by a plumber! So, I've been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people. Tomorrow, we're kidnapping his girl.
"if our love was a tweet, i'd fav, RT and 'gram a screen grab, bae." - modern vows
Why can't a bicycle stand alone? It's two tired.
What's the difference between a hammer and a mallet? I don't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.
What did Jesus say when he was nailed upon the cross? "Me! That hurts!"
I once threw a fish off of the roof of my house. I guess you could say the bass dropped.
A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal. I dunno, what do you want?
Eskimo: If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell? Priest: No, not if you don't know Eskimo: Then why did you tell me?
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
A lawyer and a catfish What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Homework. The teachers' way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Admiral Ackbar sez, "drop it like..." http://i.imgur.com/R896U.jpg
I'd share with you the audio log of Felix Baumgartner's jump again... ...but I'd hate to sound like a broken record.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn't had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Doctor: are you sexually active. Me: I'm not even physically active
I'm an Asian male who scored a 2300 on the SAT I still don't know if i met my parents' expectASIANs.
Why are there no black characters in clue? Becuase if there were it would be called solved
I made a shirt out of pushpins... ...because I wanted to look sharp. But everyone said it was just tacky.
Why do sumo wrestles shave their legs? So that you can tell them apart from feminists
The USB port on this cat doesn't work.
Can anyone help me load Angry Birds on my PalmPilot? If so hit me up on my pager...
Hear about the 2 Mexican firemen? Jose and Josb
Once you've seen an Elephant attacked by a lion... You've seen a maul.
To get to the other side. Why did the tachyon cross the road?
I heard you like bad boys? *jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour* Sup.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro cinco.
You hear about the guy who's teeth is like a shopping mall There's a big GAP
Have you heard about the guy who didn't want to walk the plank? He wasn't on board with it.
When your sitting in a Chevy and you feel something heavy Anybody know any silly diarrhea rhymes?
Let's shoot some hoops. I hate those fucking things. Maybe we can play basketball afterwards.
How do you make a hormone? Kick her in the crotch.
My buddy, David, had his ID stolen while on a business trip in Prague... ...now we just have to call him Dav.
You know the difference between my birthday and a courtroom? My dad shows up at a courtroom.
The Starbucks in my town just hired a Jewish barista... He brews.
There's a group of passive aggressive people that keep saying I'm a snoopy mailman I know because they keep writing letters about it to their friends.
I went to the supermarket dressed as a classical composer... Somebody asked me what I was Chopin for.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
What is worse than three babies in three containers? NSFW One baby in three containers.
[One liner] How do you make an archaeolgist mad? Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.
How Does An American Commit Suicide? They jump off their high horse. ^^^ThisIsJustJoke
Self control (sorry if offends you) I stopped a girl getting raped today. I used self-control.
you must have a special kind of death wish if you have your read receipts on and still ignore my texts.
I'm not saying the police are over zealous but I was arrested yesterday for singing "come on baby light my fire." They said it was inflammatory.
If you watch Twitter backwards, it's about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.
Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad? Because they're diene
This bloke at uni today told me he had 90 degrees... I said 90 degrees how is that even possible? He said you just need to look at uni from the right angle
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
What is something that Ronda Rousey and myself both have in common? We only last 48 seconds.
Why did the noodle take a bow after the recital? He was the vermicellist
What do rodents do after dinner? Gopher a walk.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 left him a note saying "You're next".
What is the oldest red wine? "They took our Land!"
Repent! Seek jesus! Judgement approaches!
I just punched Dwayne Johnson in the ass So I guess I've finally hit rock bottom.
I know it's time to wax my upper lip when the cashier at Firehouse Subs gives me the policeman's discount.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Is the bartender here?"
I Want To Be Pampered! Actually, any brand will do.
You see me driving 'round town with your Alzheimer's mom and she's like, forget you.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower  and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
What do you call a wheelchair bound Leo? HanDicaprio. .
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT I like big buts. I can not lie.
I know you can't compare apples to oranges... ...but two apples do make a pear.
Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park! 
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I swear that apple puts something in new iPhones that attracts them to concrete.
Pixar says Toy Story 4 is about Hamm, the piggy bank, being turned upside down as executives try to shake every dime out of the franchise.
Two men walk into a bar...... ...the third sees this and ducks.
What did Bill Cosby say in response to his rape allegations? Kids say the darndest things.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the "i'm not a robot" box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
What do you call a homosexual on roller skates? Rolaids
A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous "It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign" "Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten
What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn? Beep repaired...
So today is International Women's Day It was supposed to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready. ^^stole ^^this ^^from ^^twitter, ^^sorry
Q. A fireman had two sons. What did he name them? A. Hosea and Hoseb
Law Students Why are law students known for drinking? They are getting ready for the Bar exam.
Einstein finally developed a theory about space... and it was about time too!
What do you do to a dead fruit? You *berry* it.
In a serious water shortage /r/showerthoughts should be shut down.
You can pretend you're a ghost at pottery barn, there's no laws against that
"I'm running late" makes sense. "I'm running early" makes no sense. "I'm standing impatiently early" makes sense.
I like my women like I like my coffee.... All over my lap while I'm driving
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I used to be great at word play. Once a pun a time.
How do you know when there's a vegetarian at your bbq? They'll tell you.
What's the difference between a cloths hanger and a flight of stairs? The cloths hanger only solves one problem.
Taking that CPR class before Highschool... Led me to believe that choking and strokes would have occurred more often that I thought.
What do you get when you move 32 Texans into the same room? A full set of teeth
Why don't woman have urinals in their bathroom Because they would clog it up with their tampons. HA HA j/k
A logician's wife is having a baby The doctor hands the newborn immediately to the Father. His wife asks impatiently: "well, is it a boy or a girl?" The logician replies: "yes"
Everyone has to pay for their mistakes... except for banks. Banks are apparently exempt from a lot of shit.
What do you call the useless skin around a vagina? The woman.
Caught in the act My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion I said "Darling.. it's not what it looks like"
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked - Apologies in advance to my coroner
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You're wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Breakfast musings... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
911 The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard too, I would think, considering it's your phone number!
I like to pretend I'm on "American Idol" by holding a piece of paper with a number on it and running out of a room like an idiot.
What do you call a young Jewish girl who solves mysteries? Nance Hebrew
What's the difference between a group of snowboarders and lifties (lift attendants)? The lift attendants have jobs.
When Copernicus said the Earth goes around the sun I don't think he appreciated the gravity of the situation. Science. History. Punnery.
*hands cashier $100 bill "Ya have anything smaller?" *crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
What is red and hurts when you bite it? A Brick.
On the bright side, smoking cigarettes reduces the risk of winning a marathon.
Why didn't they just call "Ant-Man" Uncle? Credit to Steve Higgins from The Tonight Show.
My tombstone will read: If You Don't Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.
When's a door not a door? When it's slightly ajar.
What's the difference between people who voted for Trump, and those that didn't? On average, about $30,000 in student debt.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Necrophiles like their coffee like they like their women. Still warm.
I tried a new strain of weed... I highly recommend it.
What's the similarity between a woman &amp; a condom? [NSFW] They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
I just published a satirical critique of the Russian government and Putin hasn't sent anyone to kill me yet. I'm radiating with joy.
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts... The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Why did the Jews board the trains to Auschwitz? The tickets were free.
A chinese father tells his 7 year old son he's adopted His son replies: it's ok daddy I learned this in school already! 2 wongs don't make a white.
What is a penguin? A swallow who ate after 6pm.
I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Why was the electrolytic solution taken to court? It was charged with a salt.
If The Dark Side Of The Moon had tracks 3 and 5 removed The album would be timeless, but there wouldn't be any money in it.
You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I'm on a budget.
What is Batman's Japanese emergency number? 7777-Batman
6: I'm done. Me: you didn't even touch your food! 6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact* The Sass is strong with this one
What is a difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus? It takes one nail to hang a picture.
I'm going to start an education program aimed at changing kids' reading habits to post-rapture Christian novels. It's called "no, child, 'Left Behind!'"
THE BAD BELT Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
Everyone is panicking about the stock markets.... But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
Somehow women make a new friend every week while guys just know the same six people their entire lives.
What European capital has the most ghosts?  Boodapest!
If I had a dollar for every time I was racially accepting I'd be as poor as a no good, dirty mexican.
Let us not judge a man based on the color of his skin, but by which character he picks in Super Smash Bros.
My favorite joke is about music... It's a well composed joke.
Who finds america? Funny Joke Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
What's a moo hoo for a darling bull? A dear steer!
Why does the American Border Patrol guard take Xanax? ... ... To stop Hispanic attacks.
Why did the ska guitarist take twice as long to fap? He only knows up strokes
What's that? "It's my pet rock." Why does it look sad? DWAYNE JOHNSON: I'm hungry.
I was reminded of you today. But then I flushed the toilet and went on about my business.
What do elephants say as a compliment ? You look elephantastic !
If you get robot arms don't get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
What did the dad say to Michael Jackson at the beach? "Get out of my son!"
Have you heard the joke you are never supposed to tell a gay person? Oh. Sorry.
How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her a test-tickle.
I got arrested for killing a black man. I was charged for impersonating a police officer.
How does a mathematical pedophile refer to a child who just turned 8 years old? As someone who has passed their prime.
If I'm introduced to a proctologist at a party ... ... do I shake his hand?
What is the most popular breakfast at the World Trade Center? A plane bagel.
What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.
I do things for others... Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Two white guys and a black guy go to the police station The two white guys return
[on a date] Play it cool don't let her know you're a refrigerator [her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity] "This isn't cool man."
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.
I asked for her number she said sex sex sex I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight! I said, Wow! Then her friend said, She means 666-3629.
What did the raisin see when she came home early from work? Her husband on a date.
I heard an immature joke about dildos. Now I'm butthurt.
So, what're all of us fortunate people complaining about today?
Me: I'll take one insurance Insurance salesman: It doesn't work like that Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.
"What's your name?" "Colin Fucking Wilson." "Have you got Tourrettes?" "No, but the Vicar at my Christening did."
Why did vegan cross the road? Because chicken came to his side.
What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time? A widow
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?... Make me one with everything.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?  A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Why did the man fall down the well? He couldn't see that well
Shortest maths joke  &lt; 0
What did the leper say to the prostitute? "You can keep the tip".
So where do you see yourself in 5 years? How am I supposed to know, I don't have 2020 vision!
Okay, Beverly Hills plastic surgeons. Seems like it might be time for you to Google "normal human mouth" photos.
What's Donald Trump's favorite song? White Christmas
JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life ME: This guy is definitely an only child
Good ice-breaker How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice I'm..
A man is alone in a forest with no woman within earshot Is everything he says still wrong?
Islam is a religion of piece....There is a piece there, and another piece n the ground there Not an original joke just found it.
What do you call a cow... With three legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? That's right! Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? .... YOUR MOM.
Trojan's next commercial should just be a guy saying "See?" while pointing at my kids when they're fighting over a cookie.
Saved a man from a speeding car Man: Can't trust anyone Me: True Man: Us old ones got to stick together Pushed him in front of the next car
Why couldn't Edward leave Russia? Because he was Snowden.
What is the key to being a successful and lucrative locksmith? There isn't one.
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck... Bar tender looks at him and says, "I guess I'll let you hang out but you better not start anything."
I just ran out of tissues... Lately, it's been coming in handy
Knock knock... Who's there? Huey Huey who? I'm me, who are you
What do you call a boxing on a slackline? Punchline.
A racist joke. Why don't you fight the black kid that is in the second grade? Because his father is in the eighth grade.
The only thing more annoying than Libertarians are the people who complain about Libertarians
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
What does a train full of grain's whistle sound like? "COUS, COUS!!!"
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.
do the people in Fiji know we pay 4 dollars for their tap water
whats the difference between Court and Supreme Court? Supreme Court comes with sour cream and guac.
Q.When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice .
The steak pun... ...a rare medium, sometimes well done.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
What's the difference between pizza and a black guy? The pizza can feed a family
What's a dish best served cold? Air condish.
What is made of wood and sticky? ...a Stick!
Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.
I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth
What's worst than being just a procrastinator... Being caught in an infinite loop because of being a procrastinator who loves to plan.
What's a baseball players favorite type cake? A bundt cake.
If you see a kid who's physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they've never noticed and will thank you.
If you're American when you go into the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you *IN* the bathroom? European.
If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven... is doing it in the shower a German oven?
What do bees and celebrities have in common? They're both dying at an alarming rate.
What would be the name of a gangster who makes terrible movies? Suge Knight Shyamalan.
What is best potato? Latvian potato is best potato. Is kind you spend whole life looking for. Also, low calories.
What do you call a car with a broken exhaust? Emission impossible
What different about an American Christmas from a Spanish one? Noel.
Whenever my ex-girlfriend regrets her abortion... ...she just calls and talks to me for an hour.
Two guys walk into a bar.... ...the third ducked.
I knew a shopaholic woman who routinely ended relationships. She couldn't pass up a good buy (good bye).
My version of a haunted house is hitting yes when an ATM asks me if I'd like to see my balance.
What do a pirate wench and an alcoholic have in common? They've both got a little Captain in them.
I got jumped the other night, the muggers made off with my wallet, cuff links, and mood ring... I'm still not sure how I feel about that.
Asked a vegetarian if she'd heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it
Yo mama head so big she has to step into her  shirts.
I've been with the same woman for twenty years. Don't tell my wife. She'd kill me.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Why are there so many Jews? It's the only race that's well accounted for.
Costs of living are so high that my wife sleeps with me again She can't afford new pair of batteries
what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? we are both lawyers
Excuse me, but do you need the Jaws of Life? Because damn girl, you're crushin' it
My gf was complaining about how difficult anal was... I told her "It's only as hard as you make it"
What do you call a treehouse full of women you despise? A country.
I saw something really shady in my neighborhood the other day. An awning.
Why don't black girls wear underwear to cookouts? To keep the flies off the fried chicken.
Fall? More like fail [watches as the leaf from a tree gracefully falls to the ground in the beautiful cycle that is nature] loser tree lol
First rule to losing weight as a political world leader You only get out what you Putin.
I was going to tell a straight joke... Vagina fuck it
I haven't heard a good poop joke in a while... find them all to be a bit corny.
#Confession: Sometimes I start random lines in a public setting just to see how many people I can get to stand behind me.
One I just made up. Did you hear about the dyslexic mafia? They all pay homage to the Dog Farther
An Irishman walks out of a bar... Do you get it?
I have now lived in New York long enough that I can eat a meal while running at full speed.
A pyromaniac recently joined tinder... He got a lot of matches
My puppy is a bastard son of a bitch His mother is a single mother
*i finally get a girl over* *dad rolls out from under my bed* YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE? "dad no" A PORK CHOP
LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out... You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.
Had sex for the first time yesterday. It was a load off my chest. And a load onto hers.
What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear? Denim denim denim.
[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall] Oh ya! [breaks 2nd wall] Oh ya! [3rd wall] OHHH YEAAHH! [breaks 4th wall] I've had many, many concussions
Why has "America" been abbreviated to USA Because it has to Capitalize everything
What do you call a hand job from Stephen Hawking? A stroke of Genius.
Highpotenuse I'm high on potenuse
What is ISIS' favourite file type? .exe
"Sir, you cannot fish here!" "Don't worry, I'm just teaching my worm to swim."
What do you call Pegasus farts? Horse power.
I'm kind of like a fireman. I turn the hoes on.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[Serious] Can we stop making bomb jokes? Edit: Wow, this really blew up! Edit 2: Feeling bombastic! Thanks for the gold!
You wanna hot body? You wanna Bugatti? You wanna Maseratti? Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
He'd make the best firefighter. My friend is the absolute worst at snappy comebacks I guess you could say he's flame retardant.
I have a dog with no legs. His name is Cigarette because I have to take him out for a drag.
Hey UK! You're looking great! Have you lost a few pounds?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis. Contestant: What is love? *dance party erupts*
Donald Trump...
Remember, in a few days this'll be last year.
I know we haven't talked in awhile but I've been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Japan's Woman Soccer Team
knock knock, who's there? An ass load of Brazil v Germany posts of which 5% are actually funny.
Beethoven was such a hipster... ... that he never even heard some of his own music.
Toilets that automatically flush before I'm done make me feel like every relationship I've ever been in.
What do you get when you cross an idiot with a watch? A cuckoo clock.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I'm SUPER focused on my depression.
People keep coming up to me & saying "You have the right amount of hair my son." Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??
How did the Catholic Priest finish the marathon? He was second to Nun.
[Meta] I made a subreddit for anti pickup lines If you want to post an antipick up line, post it to /r/antipickuplines
Whats the difference between a terrorist camp and a high school? I don't know, I just fly drones.
What was the Sci-fi remake of A Streetcar Named Desire? InterSTELLLLLLLAAAAAAAR
Which is heavier, a coin or a ship? Obviously the coin, the coin sinks!
My teacher reminds me of history  She's always repeating herself !
Hey, hey...calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For Drizzle.
Why did the pedophile cross the road? To get to the other slide.
Two cats cross a river... first cats name is un deux trois. The second cats name is one two three. Which cat made it across? The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.
What's the best vegetable to bring to a party? Stephen Hawking
When Bruce Jenner changed sex's. I thought damn... he's Trans-Jenner?
How many Harambe memes done an average human make a day? Gorillif I know Front page here we come?
Brain: HEY 2am let's think about Greg Me: Ok Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it Me: Wa...what? Brain: Owned
My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones. It's saucery.
Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens? He wanted them to lay coloured eggs!
What did Stella McCartney say during a threesome? Come together Right now Over me
What do Netflix and diarrhea have in common?......... Both stream instantly.
People say, "You have to work on a marriage." I say, "No thank you. I already have a job
What's the difference between anal and oral sex?(NSFW) Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
What do you get when you combine a Comedian and a Whorehouse? a BROFL
I'm no scientist, but I'm sure that gravity is at it's strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.
I'm no Peyton Manwich, but I'm not afraid of putting a little sports juice on my hands, bending over and hutting the ball to myself
Top two sprees: 2) killing; 1) shopping
Cliffs are so great... But they have one downside
Why is Alabama the smartest state? Because it has four A's and one B.
What did one rock say to the other? Ha, you really think rocks can talk?
Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year Looks like I'm in store for a wild December
Tattooing bullet holes where I had a stomach ache so I never forget what I've been through.
When are Latkes traditionally eaten? While hiding in an attic.
Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he's fat.
What's worse than having a girlfriend with no tits? Having tits and no girlfriend.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you're no detective.
Erotic is using a feather Kinky is using the whole chicken!
I got in from the pub and poured myself a glass of water. "You're drunk, aren't you?" said a disappointed voice behind me. "What makes you say that, honey?" I asked. She said, "This isn't your house."
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
"Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory." - NBA players to their interior designers
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding
A mathematician walks into a pizza shop... They request one pie. Upon getting a full pizza, they exclaim, "You gave me twice as many radians as I asked for!"
SIRGEN = A Slut that acts like a VIRGIN
Why was the bullet train behind schedule? Because it had a bad conductor.
*walks into bar with camera* Me: Can I take a shot of this glass? Bartender: Take a pitcher, it'll last longer
Customer: Waiter this soup tastes funny.  Waiter: So laugh sir.
Women are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch... ...But most of you are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.
I was wondering why everyone at school was forming small groups... ...and then it cliqued! I'll show myself out.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Now with all the kids outside, playing Pokemon..... Dads and moms can stay inside playing Pokemom.
DAD: Think an earthquake's coming. MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know. DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.
How many pregnant women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. She holds it while the world revolves around her.
What's a good example that oil is a bad lubricant? Middle East
Why was the dildo company so successful? Good product placement.
I went to the local zoo today There was only one dog there. It was a shih tzu.
Why does our body absorb Strontium? To make our bones stronger
Wife: "Tony is coming round" Me: "Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?" Tony: "I'm here for the money." *DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Why are high school girls only 13, 15, or 17? Because OMG, they like LITERALLY can't even.
In my most recent study, Ive found that saying "I'll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot" to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife, but eventually the assassin and I agreed on a fee.
What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAND EYYYYYYYYYEEE
I hope if I ever get taken in for questioning there's no algebra.
It's possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
What kind of jean's do Mario prefer? Denim Denim Denim.
My air fresheners for insane people got turned down... They said there wasn't any cents in making scents for people who don't make sense
Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape? He's a de-septagon.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What's the definition of a good buddy? [NSFW] A guy that goes into town and gets two blow jobs. Then comes back and gives you one.
I like my coffee like i like my movies... Black to the Future.
What do you get when you cross reggaeton and masturbation? Dame mas Vasolina
My doctor told me I need more potassium in my diet And I said K.
I like my woman like I like my font Bold, black, and size 14.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed *drops phone on face *chips tooth
What do you call anal sex on an airplane? High ass fuck
I went to Applebee's for dinner last night Our food was so good that I asked the waitress to bring out the chef, so they brought out the microwave.
SRS bait. How many feminists does to take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one. She stands with the bulb and the world revolves around her.
whats a frogs favorite type of metal joining practice? A rivet
Your honor this man killed my parents and deserves life but could you make sure he has internet access because he retweets me a lot.
Mr. and Mrs. Needle were so proud of their son when he grew up to be an upstanding citizen. While growing up, he was a little prick.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm coming through your window, I'm under your bed. Thank you
It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! - someone who believes in talking snakes
Pornhub has banned submissions of the Germany-Brazil game. They don't allow rape videos.
Weather Channel I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It's like having an extra TV.
Girl, are you expansionary monetary policy? Because my Aggregate Demand is growing.
I have got my own private jet, my wife owns rest of the hottub though.
I didn't really want to take my friend's true or false test But he wouldn't take no for an answer
What do hillbillys do on Halloween? Pump Kin
What do you call a dwarf psychic who has escaped jail? Small medium at large
'Let's just agree to disagree.' -Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
What do you call a car that grants wishes A Lamborgenie
If I had a nickel for everytime someone said "If I had a nickel for...", I'd ask people to say that a lot.
There is always that one person you want to punch for no reason every-time you see them.
What does an astronaut say when he's sorry? All my Apollo-gies.
There are 10 types on people in the world Those that understand binary code and those that don't.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.
You know what really grinds my gears? Poor shifting technique.
My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement... She couldn't take it any longer
Scientists have discovered a drug that can increase a woman's libido 100%. yeah. Its called jewelry.
After all that shit, I can't believe they are finally back together. My ass cheeks
There are two kinds of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will be a pizza history. Edit: Thank you for getting this on the front page!
What do you can an African-American that has growing pains in its leg? A knee-grow
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we're making some people soup huh gang
Why did Donald Trump watch the olympics? To see how high the mexicans pole vaulters can jump
Why is it dark in Skeletor's castle? Because He-Man has the power.
Why does Peter pan always fly? Because he Neverlands
What do you call a pile of cats? A Meow-tain.
Let's all take a minute and be thankful that bugs aren't the same size as us
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You're welcome.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and one to provide suppressing fire.
Whats big and white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A fridge.
For people who say bernie sanders and is socialist ideals is going to revive the red scare... Actually we're blue... (Go bernie!)
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad
How do Australians sleep? With their heads at the foot of the bed.
I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry... but graphing is where I draw the line!
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...hot and in my hands **right now**.
Hottest fabric on ramps in Paris this season: Kevlar...
I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia. I said they all look the same to me.
How do you know adam and eve weren't black ? Ever try to take a rib from a nigger ?
Sex is kinda like pizza... It tastes better without rubber.
Why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory? Because she was fed up with the hole business.
What did the Ancient Romans use to cut their hair? Caesars.
What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) Alien vs. Predator
Now the Fine Bros are suing Steven Spielberg He had to make the cast re-act 12 times before they had a viable take for the scene
Apparently women prefer men who are taller than them. So I guess it could be said that tall women have higher standards.
Why do time machines make you happy? They're an anti de-present.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
A farmer walks into his wife's bedroom with a sheep.... And says "This is the pig I'm fucking." His wife replies "That's a sheep you fucking idiot!" And the farmer says "I wasn't talking you!"
How did the police determine which turtle ate the diamond ring? They conducted an in-turtle investigation.
There is simply no need to add "NSFW" in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.
How Many Surrealists Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb? Fish
If Facebook has proved ANYTHING, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met.
alcoholic alzheimer's anonymous. No one knows who they are, or what they're drinking.
There was once this starving homeless man near Pyongyang... This joke has been removed. Food and shelter is plentiful in North Korea. To desire more is greed.
[Puzzle Group Therapy] Crossword: Just once, someone use a pen! Sudoku: Nobody likes math. Jigsaw: ..Then they glued me together! *sobs*
Maybe the reason you're not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
What do you call an evil cat, who only lives to be an ass hole? A cat.
One of my peers asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. After struggling to come up with an answer, I decided to go get laser eye surgery. Now I've got 2020 vision....
&lt;------Flair My penis is, -Yoda
Your mamma's so fat when she goes to McDonalds they ask her what she doesn't want
*pulls away from kissing* batman, is this why I'm your sidekick?
How bad does an atheist smell? Ungodly
If you ever feeling worthless, just remember that Gotham City has a police department.
How does an eyelash, so soft and fine, turn into a cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?
Your baby's cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
What do you call a spider that likes 80s music? A Durantula.
Why didn't the guitarist get laid? Because he had bad pickups
I buried my head in my girlfriend's breasts tonight when we had a deep, intellectual conversation I just had to rack my brain to figure it out.
Jamaica is demanding compensation from the UK for our involvement in the slave trade! Shocking, we already paid for them once!
Did you hear about the guy that only ate one chicken leg per day? He was malnourished due to his paltry (poultry) diet.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch? NASA: have you ever built a space ship? Reporter: well no bu- NASA: it's really hard
Yes autocorrect, I was trying to find some 'amazon' weed
What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and a pot of glue? You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
Ha ji, kuch arz kiya hai | Shayeri joke sms
My favorite knock knock joke when I'm feeling like an asshole. Knock Knock. Who's there? To. To who? Actually it's 'to whom'.
If the Narwhal bacons at midnight, what does it do at noon? It bakes off.
Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he doesn't think it matters if you make it or not.
What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I like my coffee like I like my men. Ground up and in the freezer.
[proctologist's office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
I'm really sick of making my dog a birthday cake every 52 days.
what should you never say to a bossy person planning the funeral of a loved one "who died and put you in charge?"
I used to know a very professional scarecrow He was outstanding in his field.
Roleplaying My friends always gives me so much shit when i go LARPING, but when the guys in the movies goes out and chops goblins to pieces, and when I do it, i get arrested for child mutilation
What do you call a group of Combi's? A Combi nation!
We should be more thankful for our wounded veterans Our freedom cost them an arm and a leg
A cig takes 7 minutes off your life A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
It's afro-carribean day at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
Knock, knock... Who's there? Daisy Daisy who? Daisy me rollin', they hatin'!
What's the stupidest joke you've ever heard?
Guys insult each other and don't really mean it. Girls compliment each other and don't really mean it either
Funny one liner: Virgin Pussy is a "Road not taken"
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Pokemon go in Brazil I heard Pokemon Go players in Brazil can catch an exclusive Pokemon... the Zikachu
A lot of people tend to say life is like a rollercoaster. It is! Specifically the Smiler in Alton Towers. You start out with nervous excitement and by the end of it you need new knees.
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair? Get cancer.
What do you call Star Wars Spoilers? *Wookie*Leaks.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's pretty time consuming. I'll escort myself out now.
Where is a pirates favorite place to shop for toys? Toys arrrrrr Us.
[babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" wtf "woah wait its back on again" no way "great he's stole my nose now" im phoning the police
I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me.... I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
What is the difference between oral and anal thermometers? the taste.
If your uncle Jack was stuck on a roof... Would you help your uncle Jack off?
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
I'm feeling sluggish No one pour salt on me.
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... fcuking livid
The next person who says it's not the heat, it's the humidity will learn it's not my fist, it's the impact.
You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Damn autocorrect... It's always making me say things I didn't Nintendo
Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle? Because the Parrots-eat-em-all. Thank you, I'm here all night.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don't think he'd know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Why does lightning always strike trees? They are the path of leaf resistance.
If you drop your phone in water, put it in a bowl of rice. At night the Asians will come and fix it for you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in urns.
Two coffees were walking down the street... One of them was mugged!
Found a lump in my testicles, had to get it checked out It was much bigger than the other two
A cannibal and a vegetarian go to lunch. They both order a Danish.
[At the ferret store] I'll take five of those furry slinkys
I can't wait to tell my Grandkids, "Back when I was kid, we were smarter than our phones!"
There's a nun at my church who occasionally does stuff involving leather. And I'm okay with that, I really am. Just so long as she doesn't make a habit out of it.
What's the shortest organ in a goat? An ISIS member!
Why does Tiger Woods bring an extra pair of socks while golfing? In case he gets a hole in one.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked
I heard a pun about German sausages... But it was the wurst pun I've ever heard.
Don't trust atoms. Seriously, don't. They make up everything.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.
I was standing in a playground wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer.. ..... Then it hit me.
Have you heard the one about the three bodies of water in Texas? Well, well, well...
bury me in a dog park so i can be some dogs treasure
What do you call a research facility in the middle east? Darpa Darpa
Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet... ...has shitty time
I Made Myself A Belt Out Of Watches It Was A Real Waist Of Time
Dopted Dad: Have you seen an animal named Dopted? Son: What's a Dopted? Dad: You are. You're adopted.
If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry.. You have the rest of your life to fix it.
What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus? You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
My wife told me that I am very controlling. She'll stay locked in the closet with the dog collar on until she apologizes for her comment.
What's the fastest way to kill millions? Just swallow.
My friend Oscar told a joke to Leo Di Caprio. He didn't get it.
How many guys in IT does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to identify that the lightbulb has indeed burned out, and one to call the maintenence man to change the lightbulb.
I don't always roll a joint... But when I do, it's my ankle.
I had sex last night... Her: You don't have AIDS, right? Me: Of course not, why? Her: Oh thank goodness! I got it last time and it really sucked.
Instead of expecting your wife to make you dinner every night like it's 1950, man up and develop a cocaine habit so you don't need to eat.
The most Canadian thing I ever heard was a secondhand story about a guy getting his toe bit off by a beaver but not telling his date.
Why did Santa name his penis Conjunction? Because it joins Clauses.
What's a Rabbi's favourite drink? Mountain Jew.
What do you call a pretentious coffee? A latte-dah!
[Family Dinner] Me: Grandma, please pass the updog. Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose* Grandma: What's updog? Me: Not much, how about you?
What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.
I accidentally emailed my essay to the 3D printer It came out as a piece of shit
Big shoutout to my great grandmother She can't hear me otherwise
Holocaust joke How do you get a jewish woman's number? You roll up her sleeve.
I did really well in my math class My professor said I was on the top of the bell curve.
You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, "Am I dating a Human or an Onion?"
My friends say I'm shallow... because I won't sleep with someone who's 200.
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ? Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
NURSE: do you have any allergies ME: burnt bread NURSE: you're allergic to burnt bread? ME: yes I'm black toast intolerant
If I'm ever on life support, I want to be unplugged. And then plugged back in to see if that helps
What's a word that starts with "u" and ends with "w"? Cloning.
I was just asked to give my credit card details. I said, "It's rectangular, blue and not very valuable."
Things I learned from media: Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out Rubio shows he's a contender by losing nearly everywhere
What do Orphans get for Christmas? Lonely.
"Ewww how'd that get in the house? I don't wanna kill it. I'll just put it outside" *scoops your baby up in a tissue*
thats one giant leap for mankind, and also a giant leap for puppies. scruffy keep your helmet on
Doctor doctor my baby's swallowed a  bullet Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Procrastination Some times I procrastinate so badly on one item of home work that I do other homework to get out of doing that one item
I think it's kinda gross to have sex in bed After all it's where I eat
"A Brita pitcher is only as good as the man who re-fills it after emptying." -- Dalai Lama
They should make a Bollywood movie about a poor Punjabi guy that wins a singing contest against all odds. It'd be called Singh: A Song
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.
*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect
I could tell it was a Monopoly board from the word Go
Guy walks into a bar and says "Give me a 'bad hombre'" The bartender fills the glass with liquor, lights it on fire and throws it in his face.
Imagine dressing up as Hitler for Halloween in Israel.
What is a KKK member's favorite board game? CROSS fire
Why did Johnny fail his programming class? His mom kept telling him to do his homework, "No ifs, ands, or buts!"
Why did the printer have wet ink? Because it couldn't control P
What did the cyclops say to the sheep? "Ewe and eye make a great team."
Life is like a box of chocolates .... ... It doesn't last as long for fat people.
This sentence.. This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.
How did feminism start? Some guy forgot to lock the kitchen door
Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A: Hailing taxis.
How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life ? Tell him a joke when he's a baby !
Why did the white bassist refuse to play the show? He had a bass only a brother could love.
I'm sorry previews, but "best movie of the year" means nothing to me on January 18th.
what if family matters took place today.... urkel would make an app. laura would have a blog. eddie listens to podcasts. carl is on atkins
My golf game is a lot like my iPad, I don't have an iPad.
Cake day: How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Response: I don't know, I'm no scientist.
HALT! Hammerzeit!
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more? Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Did you know... Did you know that Stevie Wonder has been paying child support for kids he's never seen?
My son is fashion conscious and likes Disney show tunes. I think we need to have THE TALK. No son of mine is gonna raid my lingerie closet.
My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I'm hot when I'm naked, but come on now, let's all just calm down.
A lot of people tell me I look like a blind Channing Tatum I don't see it
Alcohol is a perfect solvent. It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I got a new fishing boat. I call it the master baiter.
Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins.
I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything.
Baby, let's stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.
What do you call a silent kebab? A shh-kebab
(Joke Request) A joke about penicillin I'm looking for a joke about penicillin to start off a presentation on a light note anything PG will be appreciated :)
Why did the black guy loose all his money? Because a cop robbed him.
In Canada , we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
[funeral] *walks up to give eulogy* *pulls notes out of pocket* "Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails." *folds notes* *sits back down*
I'm writing a poem about the first time I masturbated. Can someone think of something that rhymes with, "I was taken away by an ambulance"?
An apple didn't fall on Isaac Newton's head. He missed the gravity of the situation.
Why does Sunscreen break atomic rule? It's only SPF
Cross country skiing gets you in great shape in case you ever get sent to jail and have to give simultaneous hand jobs to two guys at once
..so in a technical sense, they're only relatively bad. My jokes are so bad, they sometimes appear to violate causality..
Don't ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can't be tempted.... Because Satan's game is strong
What is crucial to any joke about ISIS? The execution
Knock Knock "Who's there?" "Horton heres a" "Horton heres a who?" "lol yh gud movie m8"
What do you call a Mexican with a fake toe Roberto
One day at a Stripper Club Stripper: "The more you tip, the more I'll reveal!" (*tips more money*) Stripper: "Bush did 9/11!"
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Strap a steak to the ceiling
Here's the punchline to that riddle joke ... They leave a ring around Connecticut,
Do you like this hotel? Then why don't you Marriott !!!! Hahahah
At our local restaurant you can eat dirt cheap - but who wants to eat dirt?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
What do you call a man who loves a woman for her brains? A zombie.
Girl you remind me of this steak I have no steak
The best way to get a woman to argue with you is to say something
Common ground among the German people What are the German people in agreement with when discussing over-entitled children and expired sausages? That Spoiled Brats are the Wurst
I've eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Q: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? A: They're making headlines!
My girlfriend's father got mad that I proposed to her without asking him first but there's just no way I would ever marry that guy.
What do you call redditors when they get STDs The HIVmind
I know we're smarter than dogs, but whenever I hear them bark for no reason I'm positive they know more than I do.
I think I'm about to be molested by an alpaca... Today some guy on the street kept screaming at me to "be ready for the alpaca lips"
What did they serve for lunch at Jurassic Park? Chilean Sea Bass. Spared no expense. Didn't you watch the movie?
A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised.
My guy friend is pregnant! Inconceivable!
Has anyone else noticed that the symbol "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?
It's really cold this year in Motown... Three Degrees... Four Tops
Don't pollute the Earth... ...it's not Uranus.
Don't be sad dirty dishes, nobody's doing me either.
What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car? A convertible.
I'm unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
What did one pencil say to the other? 2B or not 2B?
Did you know that space has tons of alcohol floating around in it? It's Stellar Artois
What's a scientist's favorite gum flavor? .......Ex-*spearmint*.
What did they priest say when he got censered? Holy smoke!
I unveiled my plan for loan repayments. It's staggering.
Never Trust An Atom They make up everything
A couple in their nineties are getting divorced. Everyone is like "Why why why after all these years?" They say "We were waiting for the children to die."
CNN has confirmed that aliens might actually be involved in the disappearance of Flight 370. At least two illegal immigrants were caught on camera boarding the plane.
I'm going to make a heavy metal band ... and call it Lead Zeppelin.
Damn, girl are you a sketch on Saturday Night Live? Cause you're getting old, fast!
I am creating a new airline called 'The Wife'... Crash proof... It will never go down.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
"I just tried to make reservations at the library" You don't need a res- "Couldn't get one though" Don't do this "They were fully booked"
I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a "Best Nip Slip" category... or "Best Back Burger."
When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.
A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned because he couldn't concentrate.
I a tendency to skip words.
My Estonian girlfriend gave me a BJ the other day When she looked up at me and said "12 months!"
"Why was the slab of marble upset?" "He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."
So a crazy dog goes to a place where dogs get scanned by a machine and the dog goes crazy and breaks it and everyone is scared. He's inSCANINE!
Why did the hospital put all of their gynecologists on salary? Because the ova time was killing them.
Two priest walk into bar and disappointed... there are no young boys there.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's too cheesy.
What did Caesar say when he went to the whorehouse? Veni Vidi Veni
Sex in a cornfield Is sex in a cornfield called porn on a cob?
Why do rappers always get arrested? Because he who did the rhyme did the crime
I am not a gay man.. And neither is my husband !
I'm sure without any training, I can sky dive.. Only once
What is small furry and smells like bacon? A hamster.
What do you call a pompous Hobbit? Bilbo Braggins
ISIS commander to troops ISIS commander: Do you guys know what the leading cause of goat rape is? Troops: No, what? ISIS commander: Sexy Goats ;)
"shaved carrots instead of cheese" lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Top advice for resumes: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes. Ex. - First-hand job experience = good. First hand-job experience = bad.
What will Tesla build this christmas to help santa deliver presents? An elf driving car
Why aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn't recognize each other.
What do you have when you get 32 rednecks in a line? A full set of teeth
A black women names all of her 4 children Tyrone... How did she tell them apart? She looked at their last names...
When is the question also the answer? "Who gives a fuck?"
What do you mean pi r square? Pies are round
What's the difference between Bono and God? God doesn't go around thinking he's Bono.
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" ... ... "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
Note to self: don't set your password reminder as "you should know this"
How do you know your friend has been at the gym? Don't worry, he'll tell you.
A black man and an apple fall from a tree at the same time. What hits the ground first? The apple because the black man was stopped by a noose.
Do you want to celebrate!? It's the year of the cock.
Did you here about the guy who had a wifi hotspot put in his foot? He wanted "web"bed toes.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
What made the world stop being Blue? The new softcap limits
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
"The plane nosedived and crashed, due to a passenger's iPod being played during landing." - No flight, ever.
I once told my friend he was dead to me... I cried during the burial.
What happened when the girl dressed as a  spoon left the Halloween party? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.
Motorcycles, more like donor cycles.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Why are Mistborns always so thin? Because they're always Burning calories!
My favorite thing to do after a nap is immediately take a second one.
Please take a moment to envision the movie "Drive," but with him only using Zipcars.
Yo mamma's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
What did one snowman say to another snowman... Do you smell carrots!?
A joke from the oldest written collection of jokes begins "A coward is asked which are safer, warships or merchant-ships" Dry-Docked ships he answers
So did you guys hear about the weather in Gotham City? It's cloudy with a chance of Bane.
Why will Trump become President? Because of his Trump card.
LPT: When weightlifting, always have a friend videotape it. Because the camera always adds 10 pounds.
Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim.
I recently dated a slutty check with a brain fetish. The experience was mindblowing!
Magic A magician is driving down a road and turns into a driveway.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Me at 20: I'm smarter than everyone in the world Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
What did the letter " O " say to the letter " Q " ? Dudddeee.....your dicks out!
Why did the geologist quit his job? His boss always took him for granite.
Where do poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto. Kudos to my friend who came up with this.
A man walks out of a bar Which is weird, considering it's a solid object.
What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover. Somebody tell her, I can't.
What did the redneck say to his ex? "Can we still be cousins?"
Anxiety is like..[doesn't finish the simile due to crippling self doubt and the worry that people will think badly of me]
What do you call a Pikachu caught in Brazil? A Zikachu
You know what they say about hand jobs and homosexuals... They come hand in hand
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old. -I saw this on twitter today and laughed, so I thought I would share.
What if condoms had temporary tattoos on the inside like you rolled off the condom and there was a picture of a dinosaur on your dick.
I started wearing nicotine patches as a way of easing myself into a smoking habit.
Never trust a woman who takes pictures from the neck up.
Why can't atheist solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
I bought a lottery ticket the other day. I didn't win anything. I've come to the conclusion that the lottery is a bunch of balls.
Why did the whale cross the road ?  To get to the other tide !
I saw a woman with 12 breasts. Sounds strange, dozen tit?
I subscribe to Groupon because it's good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.
Facebook is like prison because you write on walls and people you don't know poke you.
[marriage counseling] Ginny- He always hides from our problems. Therapist- Is this true? Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
How do you get a hipster to take a shower? Give them a leaky showerhead. You know, so they can avoid the main stream.
Whats the leading cause of pedophilia? Sexy kids
whenever u hear a creak at night, dont wory its nothimg scary! its just a reminder that somthing u think is solid like a house actualy moves
Why do sorority girls travel in odds? Because they can't even!
The ruling that legal papers can now be "served" on Facebook is ridiculous. Don't they know the people they're looking for are on twitter?
Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back? The mall is hiring new Santas.
They say you're only as old as you feel. Yet they'll arrest you for trying to feel a 12 year-old.
Keystroke... not as sexy as it sounds
What do nearsighted gynecologists and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
Why was the Jolly Green Giant wrongly accused of being a pedophile? He'd been letting the kids use his dick for a bungee cord.
I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I've left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dick's.
I've heard muslims are bad in bed After the first scream they go off
What do you call a Korean bulldog? A bul-dog-gi
I became friends with a Lovecraftian alien.... It was a Mi-Go.
Horses are the most negative animals... ...they are such neigh-sayers
Someone asked Trump how he planned to build the wall he said "On the day I got elected 60 million people shit a brick and Mexico agreed to pay for the mortar"
A son runs up to his dad Son: Dad, I'm gay! Dad: Son, I fucked your mother. Son: ... Dad: ... Son: What the fuck? Dad: What? I thought we were saying things that were obvious.
Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps. Freaks her husband out though.
*weighs self* "Shit" *takes clothes off* "GODDAMMIT" *takes tampon out*
What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 13.
Why do I support extreme racist political parties? Because their aims are white up my street
I just took laxatives and huffed some nitrous oxide... for shits and giggles.
What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
What's the best part about being an orphan? All your chips and candy bars are family sized.
1st day of hunting season: *puts on camo* *climbs up in tree stand* *waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Wife: We're not talking over the radio. This relationship is over. Me: This relationship is what? Over.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes... Should get a no bell prize
Why is the fungus such a hypocrite? because it doesn't have mushroom to talk.
Just once In a post-game interview, I'd love to see an athlete credit Natural Selection for his team's win.
What did Frank say when he dropped his last slice of Pizza Hut in the toilet? "Pizza shit"
So sex workers ever post anything that's nsfw?
What do you call a bear's dick? a weenner the pooh
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there's Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Man gets arrested by female police officer A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college? Bye-son
Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple? Me: Blurple. *She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I "know"
Damn you bladder stop releasing my precious beer.
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the  Month" isn't an award. It's an appointment!
I found my dad sniffing my sister's underwear. It wouldn't have been that awkward had she not been wearing them at the time.
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.
Is there a Twitter acronym for "Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it"?
I know Mexican judo Judo know if I have a knife. Judo know if I have a gun.
"One man's trash is another man's treasure." is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar... One turns to the other and says 'Wanna go in there and get shit faced?'
TIL There is only one thing that gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets. A Woman.
This happened over the weekend I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.
Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana? "No!" Oh really. And what's your first name? "Indiana" [jury gasps]
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy? Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
A man is lying in a hospital bed. "Doctor, how long do I have to live?" asks the man. "10," replies the doctor. "10 what?" "9."
His girlfriend returned all his letters. I bet she marked them "second class male !"
Testing new mobile phone Hello, i don't know if anyone is going to read this because i am using the internet explorer. But still i wanna wish you a good start in the new year 2010.
Roses are red Violets are blue Bad boys bad boys Whatchagonnadoo
I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected This economy is ruthless.
Did you know King Solomon made love to 1000 virgins but he never enjoyed great sex :-P
A new source of electricity is found! Lincoln is is infinitely rolling in his grave right now. We can use that somehow.
What did the record holder for the world's longest coma get? A trophy
"Q. Why were India kicked out of the Soccer world Cup held in England in 1966 ? A. Every time they were given a corner, they built a shop."
Egyptian 1: Hey did you just fart? Egyptian 2: Yes Egyptian 1: Please don't do that again it absolutely sphinx.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band. I would stand at the back, doing my ting.
days 'til xmas Today is December 10th, there is is only 14 shoplifting days til xmas. Now get out there
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman? Snowballs!
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour? Leave it in the cow.
"It's possible to touch birds!" I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Free reddit! http://imgur.com/762fAPG FREE REDDIT!
What do you call sliding into home plate, on a green field in Mexico? Muchas Grassy-ass. I'm sorry.
Today is my mom's birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Why don't SJWs go to college? Because you have to put Male or Female on the college application
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two? One.... or two?
What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.
Why are women bad at parking? Because they have a wrong perception of how long 20 centimeters are.
My plan to buy a drawing board just fell through. I guess it's back to th-OH GOD DAMNIT.
I like my women like i like my coffee.. Ground up on the back of an alpaca somewhere in south america.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick... It's two chicks fighting over a pair of shoes.
Great pickup line... You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress? Her: Yes. You: Wanna Traumatize it?
How did the hipster drown? He went ice skating on a lake before it was cool.
Why should you stand in a corner when you are cold? Because corners are *90* *degrees*
A cannibal with diarrhea cloned himself for dinner. He shit himself.
You know what Schwarzenegger is up to these days? He's an exterminator.
I'm going to make a calendar of sexy Islamic extremists I will call it, Ji-hotties
I patented a new bullet that will kill 2 deer at once You get more buck for your bang!
They say love is more important than money. B!tch, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?!
Nervous about our 1st ultrasound exam. What if my baby doesn't make ultra sounds? What if it's just farting noises? Is it graded on a curve?
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name!
What do you call someone with no body and just a nose? No body knows!
Patron 1: I eat at a different restaurant every day. Patron 2: I don't tip either.
When jokes go to parties, where do they wait for drinks? In the punchlines.
For yoga people He who noticed it lotused it
When I'm in the bathroom a long time, I come out sniffing & wiping my nose so people think I was doing coke and not making a doody
Yeah food is good but idk I guess I just always wanted to be able to devour souls as well
Submitted ten jokes to a local newspaper that was giving away $100 for the best joke. Despite multiple efforts to win, no pun in ten did.
Did you hear about the new Marty McFly movie... ...Where he travels back in time to become a florist? It's called Back to the Fuschia.
Why did the duck get arrested? because he was smoking quack!
Can I ask you a quick question? What is the quickest way to the front page?
I'm thinking about going on a day trip but I just don't know where to get the LSD
All I want for Christmas Boy: I want a brother for Christmas. Santa: Send me your mother.
Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.
Why are most demolitions experts happy? They get the best blow jobs in town.
[hears a voice in the sky] - Is it you? GOD?! [kneels] Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
What is the most romantic city in England?  Loverpool!
Sidebar the Numbered Jokes joke, start linking reposts and numbering them For science
A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents
Pizza burnt the inside of my mouth and I don't understand why the things I love most keep hurting me
My phone auto-fills FUCKLULZ. Do I get my own bot now?
What's your favorite terraria boss? Mine is the enderdragon
The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.
Sooner or later Rockstar is going to make a GTA that features every possible human action you can do and then the world will implode.
Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me She belongs to us all She's R. Kelly
What do you call a Christian who fell down the stairs? A couple of steps closer to their final destination.
Why Did The Black Guy Crossed The Road? because... chicken.lel
Which lawyers are U2 fans? The pro bono ones
What do the Kardashians and penises have in common? They are both stuck up cunts
A girl's tinder bio said "I would die without food" uh okay me too
Top Seven Things Men Don't See Coming: 7. Plot twists 6. Police cruiser 5. Love 4. Trash day 3. Health issues 2. Her reaction 1. That
What do you call an edited series of MILF videos? A Momtage
You know what the best part of having dyslexia is? I have sex daily
Poetry about Pawn Stars You want a poem? Best I can do is haiku, take it or leave it.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school
My wife asked me to stop singing Oasis songs I said "Hey, this would be a great joke to repost!"
What has 4308 eyes, 28957 legs, and 398503 teeth? I don't know, but if you see it, RUN!
I accidentally filled the escort with diesel, she died.
My girlfriend's reason for leaving me was because she still hadn't found what she was looking for I replied with "oh, U2"
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
This absolutely killed me when somebody told me this in a lecture last week... What do you do if you come across a Tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
How much does a pirate pay for an ear piercing? A buck an ear
New years eve. An evening of fun, alcohol, laughter,, family, and friends Or at least that's what it could have been if you weren't sat here browsing reddit
Hey baby, what's your resonance frequency?
What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper ? You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant !
Dad Rabbit: Who is this Daughter Rabbit: My BF Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes
How many Trumps? How many trumps could donald trump trump if donald trump could trump trumps?
Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
Three monkeys walk into a bar... I forgot the rest, but your mom's a whore.
You would be a good dancer Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet
I was gonna tell a joke about a pizza but it was way too cheesy!
I mean, NHL teams have father-son road trips all the time I don't think they're as common in the NBA though...
What do you call the deaf man with no limbs? Whatever you want.
Are you today's date? Cause you're a 10/10
A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.
My wife just accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left!!
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? Well, the wedding was terrible... but the reception was great!
God and China In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was Made in China.
We didn't have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Why are elevator jokes so funny? Because they work on so many levels
I really like white dwarf stars... ...My favorite is Peter Dinklage.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said "that's the girl I'm gonna marry one day" but it turned out to be a lamppost
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks.
You guys should stop with the 9/11 jokes. I think they're PLANE wrong! *sigh* EDIT: GRAMMAR CORRECTION
I woke up to a blow job this morning... That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
If I had a nickel each time I had sex. I'd have a 12$/hr job!
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Butcher ! Butcher who ? Butcher your arms around me !
I've got my own lie detector at home. I call her "honey".....:)
ITT: Jokes that would have killed at a party in 1998. I'll start us off: What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? They both have a slot that says "insert bill here."
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
What does the KKK use to bake cookies? White flour!
If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."
Why do nurses smack newborn babies on the back before handing them over to their parents... To knock the dicks off of the stupid ones
Impatient means she's restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital... Learned that one the hard way.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."
So many boys, such little minds. 
New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot. I call it the Ferguson
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I suck at sports events It's a good way to make a quick buck.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan  then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his pu$$y.
AMA I left the Church of Scientology two weeks ago [Deleted]
I want a job cleaning mirrors.... It's just something I could really see myself doing.
Me: How long have we had that pillow? Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? Supplies!!!
My little sister's cat died... ...she cried telling me she needs another identical one. I got her one today, but i don't know why she needs another dead cat.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I'm a big perv.
Anyone who believes in telekinesis... ...raise my hand
I'm going to rewrite history. History.
How do you fit an elephant in the subway? (x-post) You take the 'S' out of sub, and the 'F' out of way.
13 blackberries and 5 iPads walk into a bar... They leave hammered
I Walked In On My Dad Chopping Onions Up One Day... It made me cry. Onions was my favorite dog.
What do pizza delivery drivers and gynecologist shave in common? They both have to smell it but never get to eat it
My cellphone is incredibly acidic... It's a pH one
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength? Potential employee: Shape shifting. Interviewer: Really? Interviewer: Yes. Interviewer: Shit.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted
I don't know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I was so happy when I got my new thesaurus in the mail. But when I opened it, every page was blank! Damn. I have no words to describe how upset I am.
On the occasion of Women's Day...my wife decided to take a rest ...so I am the boss for today.....
I wanted to be a palaeontologist, but my parents said there was no future in it
What is the Technical name For IronMan Overreacting? "Fe" male
Why don't the people of Pompeii like volcanoes? Because they're all dead. As told by my best friend, in light of the Indian joke.
I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
What's Chinese and climbs the Empire State Building? Ping Pong
Treat me like a semicolon and use me in all the wrong ways.
My wife finally conceded in an ongoing argument we were having about clocks It was about time.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who undertsand binary, and those who don't.
What do you call a kid that stands up to bullies? An ambulance.
Pussy Don't worry you'll never get it.
What did the triangle need to do before he could get a loan? He needed somebody to cosine.
What do you throw a drowning guitarist? His amp.
There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. How many didn't? Ten of them.
My wife's a ventriloquist, which means she has the ability to complain about having to give me a blowjob whilst actually giving me a blowjob.
Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting? Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."
that sinking feeling... when you're on the Titanic
First day at gym and i've already lost 5kg. seriously, i have no idea where i misplaced those weights..
For a final paper, I was assigned to write 3000 words So I put 3 pictures in there.
People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer Just throw it out. I'll print it again.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Hit that faggot with your car.
Employee requested for a leave and got FIRED!! "Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave." ~ James
A termite walks into a bar... And says, "is the bar tender here?"
I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work.
Republicans believe every day is the 4th of July... Democrats believe every day is April 15.
Why did the Ferguson protesters go home early last night? The whole thing was a gas.
Why did the Pakistani cook get fired? He could only cook eggs Sunni side up and, honestly, they tasted like Shi'ite.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
"We don't serve faster than light neutrinos here." A neutrino walks into a bar.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question "How do you pronounce quinoa?" [it's just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
What did they call Postman Pat after he retired? Pat
Are we heading in the right direction, Yoda? - "Off-course we are"
What is a pirates favorite file type? .rar
My therapist picked a cool time to go on vacay I'm making decisions out here like a wild animal
You can't run through a campground You can only ran, because it's past tents
Why did the golfer take a spare pair of trousers with him? Incase he got a hole in one!
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me? I'm cool if it's a burrito.
What's the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Speed Dating Tell me something about yourself I have 3 cats What do u do for fun I have 3 cats What are you most proud about I have 3 Next
What do you call an old skeleton's jokes? *Dry humer!*
I saw a beaver movie last night. And it was the best dam movie I'd ever seen.
You're so ugly that when they went looking for flight MH370 black box they found your vagina
I told my audiophile friends I listen to MP3's I got some .flac for that.
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke joke jooooke!
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
An incendiary note i left resulted in suicide by arson
a cannibal's favorite drink What drink does a cannibal have after a long day? a handshake!
Whats green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls from a tree? A pool table
I don't know what you guys are talking about. I drank pineapple juice earlier and my jizz doesn't taste any different.
I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.
A group of people walk into a bar... An Irishman, a rabbi, a Japanese man, a blind man and a boat captain walk into a bar. The bartender asks "is this some kind of a joke?"
What's the best thing about Sweden? Well, their flag is a big plus...
"Knock knock" Who's there? "Russia" Russia who? "Get out of the house. I live here now."
What do you call a blind german? A not-see.
*calls mom* "Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today" *long pause* "Mom?" *mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears* "Mom?"
I think more research needs to be done on the tube inside your body that carries Taco Bell food directly from your mouth to your butthole.
Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime... Balloon prices are going to go sky high.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT'd, so I threw it back in.
wife: "HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?" me: "DUNNO," I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.
Last night after we had sex I asked my wife if she was faking it and she said "no, I really was asleep."
I got a job crushing cans at the supermarket... It was Soda Pressing.
An Englishman walks into a pole... He tells him, "Get the fuck out of my country"
I stopped by the house I spent my childhood in, and I politely asked the owners if I could look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.
This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Safety first. Just kidding, coffee first. Safety's like third or fourth.
iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once.
Did you hear about that new wax museum in Arizona. And... it's gone.
What is black, heavy, and can't swim? A grand piano.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers. Me: *does "the divorce papers" in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY
FACT: Once he became a knight, Sir Ian McKellen could only move in an "L"
My mom told me this joke the first time she met my gf. What are three 2 letter words meaning small? Is it in?
You're on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words "Boxers with pockets," you say. "You'll never have to wear pants."
What television show best describes a mothers virginity? Lost
What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor!!
"I'll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter" (How I'd die in a horror movie)
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quattro Sinko
I saw a baby in a carriage holding a chocolate bar. It's mother wasn't around. So i took it, tore it open and ate it, right in front of the chocolate bar.
Everyone on Reddit is nosey.. See. I told you..
What do you call a Jewish New Zealander? Hebrew
Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the balls before you realize "This can't be right."
This Status maybe recorded for quality and training purposes
The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Guurrhggrgrh
How do you stop a nigger from raping a girl? Throw him a basketball
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Someone with a knife exactly like the one I'm holding in my hand ruined my neighbor's inflatable Christmas lawn decorations.
A better blonde joke What is the difference between a brick and a blonde? If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you home.
I like the word "panties" so much I'm going to start using it in place of "cool." Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that's panties.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 189,463 times, you're the editor of HuffPo.
Today I saw a sign that said "watch for children" Sounds like a fair trade
There is a James Brown impersonator in South Korea. He's known as the Godfather of Seoul.
The worst part about being introduced to new people is the panic moment where I think "Pay attention! Pay attention!!!" and miss their name.
I Need a Drink
Confucius say.. Man who farts in church, sits in own pew.
When's the best time to go skydiving? Fall.
I love cliffhangers ...
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the guy at the liquor store? Only a Sith deals in Absolut.
How many Economists does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends on the supply and demand curve
You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.
It's just a flesh wound... *looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with* *looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
What did the baby say to its mom after breastfeeding? Thanks for the mammaries!
Ideas are like kids Don't have them
I saw a man with a board saying 'Repent for you're sin's, the end of the world is nigh'. I thought 'That's a bad sign'.
What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.
It's time for dirty limericks! There once was a lady from Decatur Who got laid by a large alligator. But nobody knew The result of that screw Because after he laid her, he ate her.
#TT At 14 I yelled, "You'll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!" and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
What has 5 arms and rocks? Def Leppard
April showers bring May flowers Mayflowers bring Smallpox.
What does Sean Connery surf on the Internet? Reddish.
Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint." Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said "Listen to it, it'll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
After God had finished creating 24 hours of alternating light and darkness... One of his angels asked him what he was going to do next. He said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college... I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.
I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers. I quit cold turkey a long time ago.
Did you hear about the fire at the flame retardant textile manufacturer? Someone left the irony on...
Before my grandma kicked the bucket, he said one thing to me "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
"How come you're only watering half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident. "I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."
*decides to go on a diet* *smokes weed* *eats a horse*
HUNG LESBIAN how can you tell a lesbian is hung? she has really long fingers
How well did the Mexican do for his class test? He got a borderline pass.
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay
What did the philosopher say to his coworker? "Cleanup on the detergent aisle"
"If you can't beat them, join them," I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
What do Trump and an Aluminum can have in common? They easily get bent out of shape...
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
How do you get a little old lady to say the "F" word? Yell bingo.
My cousin couldn't pay the church for her exorcism So they repossessed her.
Why did the Polar bear struggle in geometry class? Because the teacher was a Cartesian bear.
I met a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray. Crazy conversations, he was definitely a seasoned veteran.
There was a fight in the fish n chips shop the other day The fish got battered!
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again CEO: my God [10yrs later] CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The dark lord Saran has wrapped Middle Earth in 2-3 days of freshness.
A doe came running out of the forest: "That's the last time I do that for two bucks."
Baby oil If olive oil is made from olives, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Me: What's w/the ice pack? 12: I have a headache. Me: Do you think it's a good idea to play video games if you have a headache? 12: Yes.
Hitler is judged very harshly by history, but... He did kill Hitler. Joke credit to Jimmy Carr on QI
What do you call a bee that never dies? A zomBEE!
A German installs a bath around his table Badumtisch
A nudist colony is where both sexes go... ...to air their differences.
What Did The Egg Say To the Boiling Water? I just got laid by a chick, its gonna take me a while to get hard.
Him- You're a useless piece of shit.. Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.
Say what you will about pedophiles At least they drive slowly past schools
Origami Belts They're a waist of paper
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
[art store] You do free framing? "With any purchase" Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife's fingerprints] you know what to do
My friends think I'm weird for sleeping with a full size body pillow It's just a lot more rare to find a dead midget.
Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, "Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?"
I got kicked out of my club cuddling team today.. ..turns out they frown on the use of performance enhancing hugs.
"We have here the results of your fraternity test." (*opens envelope*) "Kyle... You are NOT the bro!"
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
another polish joke why do polish people keep empty bottles in the fridge? for those that don't want anything to drink
Why Does Donald Trump Oppose Single Payer? Because he is a Toupeer
Why'd God make women pretty but dumb? They're pretty, so men will like them. They're dumb, so they will like men. Courtesy of the great movie Ip Man 3 which I watched yesterday.
Doctor Doctor Father Christmas gives us  oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?
I crashed into the back of a dwarf's car... He got out, looked at the damage and said "I'm not happy". So I replied " Which one are you then?"
Dear Abby, My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words "In Him" Help! Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
What do tofu and dildos have in common? They serve as makeshift substitutes for people who have forsaken meat.
What's another name for a chicken testicle? Fowl Ball
What do you call a gay tramp? Hobosexual
Connor O'Connor walked out of a bar... [because hes irish!](http://replygif.net/i/1083.gif) ...thats pretty much the joke.
What's Monica Lewinskys favorite time of day Eight o'cock
Remember, flies transmit diseases So keep yours up
Did you meet the guy who masturbated on the toilet? He came and went.
Everyone has that one best friend who's now a.... **Stranger!**
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
This just in, Beverly Hills, 90210 Cleveland Browns, 3 &gt;Credit to Colin Mochrie from *Whose Line Is It Anyway?*
One snowman says to the other snowman, "do you smell carrots?"
Two Snowmen are in a field... ...and one turns to the other and says "Yeah, you're right, it DOES smell like carrots." My favorite joke - short, hysterical, and perfect for any occasion.
Retarded people They shouldn't even exist
What should you do if you find the corpse of a raped woman in the woods? Check your bearings, you're going in circles.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Changing the world. Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing herself.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
(Dad joke warning) What was the almond tree doing all damn summer long? Nuttin'
How is Trump vs. Clinton like Godzilla vs. Mothra? No matter who wins, the city will be destroyed.
My dad died on 9/11... He was a terrible pilot.
Village Competition Tomorrow our village is having it's annual Innuendo competition I might enter my friend's sister.
A Polish person went to have their eyes tested. The eye test chart read: N Y X C S F R U Z. The optom asked, can you read any of those letters?' read it?' the polish person answered, i know him!'
Why did the soccer player have to ask for a bib at the restaurant? Because he was Messi
The reason why the current season of GoT is not so good as the last one ... because my wife said so.
Garbanzo beans vs chickpeas I used to to not know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea. But last night I definitely didn't have a garbanzo on my face.
I'm tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I'm pullin' the plug. "...hi pullin' the plug, I'm da-" *pulls the plug*
(Q)...... What was the difference between Bill Clinton &amp; Monica Lewinsky's dry-cleaners? (A)...... Clinton wouldn't come clean.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2 . One to screw it in and another to say, "I could do that".
- Are you even listening to me? - Of course I am - Ok, what did I just ask you? - If I'm listening to you
Why old people don't have sex? Have you ever tried pulling a grilled cheese apart?
What did the samurai do...? Q: What did the samurai do when he was dishonored by his inability to complete the crossword puzzle? A: He committed ritual sudoku.
Shout out to the people who... Don't know what the opposite of in is
How to capture an elephant step 1 dig a hole. step 2 fill the hole with ash. step 3 surround it with peas. step 4 when the elephant comes to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole!
What do you call an old-school CIA agent who believes his work is none of the public's goddamn business? A Pte-redact-yl
What kind of fish is made of two sodium atoms? 2 Na
Virgin Airlines is opening a bank called Virgin Money. It's for people who've never been screwed by a bank before.
"Blow on this." Hot food.
My love for you is like diarrhea......I cant hold it in..
Maybe middle America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
What do you call alien life on Europa? European. Credit to Neil Degrasse Tyson on the Late Show
That escalated quickly - Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
2016: No way will Trump win the election 2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes 2018: No way we're doing what those Apes say
George Bush was trying out BDSM with his wife. George: Punish me baby, I've been a bad boy. Laura: Hmmm...what did you do honey? George: 9/11
To a murderer, we're all jailbait.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
Some women bounce back quickly after pregnancy.. some just bounce
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.
Man: What can I do you for? Woman: a bottle of wine and cab fare
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking...... JK Rowling
Similar to the mile high club, Whats it called when you jack off in an airplane? It's still the mile high club, but its just the single aviator's division.
My body is shaped like a hooded sweatshirt.
I'm not sure I understand What The Hell you're talking about....But.....you're showing cleavage, so I will listen.
You don't need to tell me that I'm not your cup of tea. I am well aware that I'm not a cup of tea, idiot.
How do trees use the Internet? They log on
How to make the World Cup more exciting: Refs are on stilts The ball screams when kicked Kissing is legal 1 player gets to use a car Snakes
A man went to a fish and chip lunch organised by the local monastery... He strolls up to one guy serving, and with a big grin, asks "Are you the fish friar?" The guy responds "No, I'm the chip monk!"
I told Siri that no one understands me. She said: "I don't know what you mean by *no one understands me*"
What happened to the frog who parked illegally? he got toad
Jewish Pedophile "Do you want to buy some candies?"
How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
I got a new stick of deodorant today The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom". I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
What do you call a grammar Nazi in 2016? An alt-writer.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out :(
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, "there's plenty more married men out there."
"Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?" "No." "OK." "Hold still." "What're you putting on me?" "Sunscreen." "It smells like ketchup." "Shhh"
"Marvel comics to introduce a female Muslim superhero" Fans are looking forward to seeing Captain America, Iron Man and the Post Box in the next Avengers film.
I saw a sign in a shop- Mosquito nets 10' I didn't even know bugs could play the lottery.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches! Thought you all would like this one.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said "You're the Obi Wan for me" and that's the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I may be schizophrenic ... But at least I have each other.
I was doing manual handling training at work today. I've been picking it up really well.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine's Day so I guess I'll stay home with the kids.
This blizzard in NYC was just like my boyfriends penis lees than expected
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 6 beers.
You know how I found out I have a fruit fetish? I had an Orange Crush.
Could we make a seperate subreddit... for one-liners please? :) I just love seeing the old fashioned long jokes! you're awesome /r/jokes!
how do socks reproduce? they have socks. goodnight folks
Knock Knock Who's there ! Castor ! Castor who ? Castorblanca !
What did 1 lesbian bullfrog say to the other lesbian bullfrog? They're right we do taste like chicken!
"ring on the wrong finger" A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? . B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Choose your own adventure: S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P Dad sees a soda? Moving a couch for dad? Obese girl with a vision problem?
Why did the Japanese American bring his server with him? He thought they said internet camp
What's the difference between a Youtuber and a hooker? Both are getting fucked, but the hooker's still getting paid.
Did you hear about the fire man who lost his job? He was laid off.
What do you call a nut that can't talk? Nutin special. Credit to my 8 year old daughter who made that one up.
My sex life is like a Ferrari.. I don't have a Ferrari
What's worse than stubbing your toe? The Holocaust
[Going through rubble after a house fire] Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined. Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
I overclocked my computer processor this morning... The time advanced by one hour.
I may be dating myself here, but the restaurant doesn't mind my intricate placement of mirrors that fool me into believing I'm not alone.
If I can ever learn how to fold a fitted sheet, I will consider my life to be a successful one.
How are Cigarettes like Hamsters? They're harmless until you put one in your mouth and light in on fire
I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
you used to call me on my nokia phone
"Oh. My. God." - the first duck to eat bread.
How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
[royalty free Black Keys-sounding music plays] Anthony Bourdain: There's nothing more rock n roll than eating a famous new york city whopper
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I'm at a hockey game and the players weren't really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled "come on" and then they tried harder.
I am a level 5 vegan.... I cant eat anything that casts a shadow.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house. Knock knock... *who's there" It's the chicken!
What happens when people settle for a shitty situation? They're citizens of the So-be-it Union.
What does apathy sound like? I'm Ellen Pao, AMA
Why do politians hate the term "mudslinging"? They don't want to get their hands dirty.
Black History Month Bake Sale Vanilla Cupcakes: $1 Colored Cupcakes: 3/5th of $1
I named my dog Rembrandt That way I can say "have you seen my Rembrandt?"
Tonight's forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn't let her kid eat cheese for dinner. This cheese is delicious.
What is woman spelled backwards? Kitchen
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn't mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Unless it's that scary chick from The Ring, I really don't care who is in the restroom with me.
I had a dream That the most beautiful plate of salmon with lemon zest and crusted parmesan was in front and before I could dig in I woke and saw it was my wife's leg spread open.
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours.
People and airplanes Be nice to fat people, they're human too. Human Boeings!
I wish the book "How to be an adult" came in hard cover... .. it would be that much more effective at bonking stupid people in the head.
What do you get when you cross Groot with Santa? A Giving Christmas Tree
I'm having a 'Two Girls One Cup' kinda day and I'm the cup.
A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer "Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"
From my 6 year old: Where do good bees live? A bee-have
What Does A Ghost Cow Say? Moo!
I just accidentally opened the door for a jehovah's Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I used to date a Mobius stripper... ...I broke up with her when I found out that she would never stop.
Where do Old Egyptian people go to Swim? The Senile River
What an upset manly clock with boobs says to another manly clock with boobs who doesn't arrives in time for their homossexual dating? You man nipple lated me
I'm so stoned........ It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light. Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
That awkward movement when you... read movement as moment.
HER:He doesn't trust me. THERAPIST:How so? HER:He's always spying on me. ME (dressed as Therapist):Really? THERAPIST:WTF HER:WTF ME:WTF
Where are the best leaders made? Flint, Michigan.
Why doesn't Kylo Ren's lightsaber look like a normal lightsaber? Because it's a First Order approximation.
I like my women like I like my doughnuts black and glazed.
Did you here Ram Dass is getting a sex change? He decided to Be Her Now
I called the Muslim suicide hotline but they kept asking me if I can fly a plane.
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.
How do you get an Asian to crash their car? Make the windshield full screen
What do you get when you cross Rogaine with Viagra? Don King
Answer to the seagulls riddle. To beat the Portuguese (it's a New Bedord/Falmouth/Vineyard joke).
I didn't want to walk in the woods. But i was forest
If I ever fire someone who is a Taylor Swift fan I'll say "I knew you were trouble when you clocked in."
People believed in Jim Jones but... Sadly, he switched to KoolAid and lost a lot of followers.
I asked a pharmacist "do you stock multicoloured tampons?" "Not since Brexit, they were made for brighter periods."
How many potatoes does it take to kill a Latvian? None.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They rearranged the furniture.
A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa's clothes but lost his grandpa's work ethic.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who are you?
"7 minutes in heaven" but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.
Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.
Why do they bury police officers 6ft under. Because deep down they are good people.
What did one fetus say to the other? Guess were wombmates! *drops mic*
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy... it feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.
What does a Canadian hipster say? "meh".
BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My dad told me this one. Now, I'm not cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
[blank], teaching english better than english teachers since it's release. Video games.
Jesus opened up a shop... And it was called Jesus Christ Superstore
Maybe if we press "2" for Spanish, we'll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the "1" line.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alexander ! Alexander who ? Alexander friend are coming over !
243 http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/11rg19/efficient_jokes/
What if aliens are responsible for global warming? And this is just their way of breaking the ice.
Donald Trump wrote a lot of books on business Most of them end on chapter 11
COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark? MARK: He's alive so I'm assuming he had a birth, yes.
How can you tell when a salesperson is lying? His lips are moving.
What kind of furniture do pigs like best?  Overstuffed.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Fill out job applications in crayon... ...and if you don't get hired, just blame it on your color.
A blind man finally got his vision back He was so happy he became paralysed
I'm almost positive that angrily staring at the pile of dirty laundry won't fix things, but it's worth a shot.
Hey, are you cold? Go over to the corner, it's 90 degress
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Most people call me "bad at pickup lines" But you? You can call me tonight.
Why don't witches wear underwear? They have to grip the broom.
I keep nacho cheese handy so in case I start to lose an argument I can pour it on my head and say "You're arguing with nachos, you idiot".
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... I only know this because this joke is reposted here every god damn week.
If Lamar Odom would've died... He would've went out with a bang.
"There's approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today." -meteorologists
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. Rather a few layers.
*logs onto Facebook* *sees 347 ultrasound pictures* *logs off forever*
What is green and slimy and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog's finger...
The How I Met Your Mother series will end tonight & everyone is thinking the same thing...if only it were The Big Bang Theory instead.
Yoga bends. Yoga stretches. Yoga realizes is out of shape. Yoga pants.
[Airport Bar] Me: I'll have a beer, please. Bartender: That'll be $45. Me: Worth it.
I bought a book on DIY. So far my dad has read me 103 pages of it.
How is crossing an intersection like going to jail? If you're a white man, you're free to walk.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
How can you tell if your wife left you? You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!
Why do nice guys always finish last? Because their girlfriends always cum first.
Why do hippies wear corduroy? It's groovy!
a big fat women looked in the mirror and said to her husband 'im fat and ugly say something to make me feel better' he said 'your eyesight is perfect
My wedding vows said "till death do us part." My wife died, so I was a free man. Then she came back and bit me.
Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy. Unless you're on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.
What is the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before eating it.
What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini? Olive or Twist.
USA: "Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?" Canada: "OK." *USA hands Detroit to Canada* *USA quickly walks away.*
what do they call a hot looking girl who will love you and stay devoted to you forever? let me know once you find one
Why was the teenage girl fired from her job at the casino? Because SHE JUST CAN'T DEAL
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor. We don't care...as long as there is shaking.
What do a call a blonde that dyes her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence.
BRAKING NEWS ... A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Dyslexia didn't stop Mark Twain being a great writer He didn't even suffer from it.
Whats the difference between a zippo and a hippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home
What if Bruce Jenner's whole "Caitlyn" thing is just a big joke, but nobody gets it because ... ... women aren't funny ?
I was wondering why the football was getting bigger... Then it hit me.
How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
This is very serious ... please read and be aware: IF YOU GET AN E-MAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON," DON'T OPEN IT.... IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON !!
What happens when you give Sigmund Freud and Oedipus a bunch of cocaine? A mother fucking awesome party.
Thank you student loans, for helping me get through college. I am forever in your debt.
What do you call a cow that starts it's own nudie magazine? Hugh Heifer
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly [emerges from cocoon] AH WTF I'M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? I ain't got cats in my bank account.
What's an ants favourite collectible item Antiques
God says to jesus, "You remembered it's father's day?" Jesus says "what the hell am I supposed to get a man who has everything?!" *God turns &amp; winks at camera* "Omnipresents."
What can't you hide in a basement full of dead hookers? My erection
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
What is the world coming to? Youporn
Did you hear about the gay football coach? He turns tight ends into wide receivers
Every meal I didn't have to cook myself is the best meal I've ever had.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little knotsies
I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill... They can finally legally own a black person again.
Life is like a box of chocolates... it doesn't last long if you're fat.
If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people, they're the ones who keep having gay babies.
The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
[spelling bee] Judge: Your word is McConaughey McConaughey. M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey. Did I get it? Judge: We have no idea
What does a spanish programmer program in? Si++
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... ...because they always take things literally.
Did you hear about the nympho waitress? She was sick of getting just the tip
Why do Christian people suck at Pokemon? They don't believe in evolution
A sloth walks into a bar 10 minutes later, bartender says "Sorry we're closed."
Me and a buddy went to an amputee party It was crawling with pussy.
I don't know what's more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Why did the Hobbit put his phone on silent? Because he was bored of the rings!
I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!
I like my women how I like my wood... ...flat as a board and easy to nail.
Need a Polygon ? Why not Trape**z**oidberg
What do challah and martial arts have in common? Judo
The first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number I didn't know what to do so I ate it.
Roses are brown... Violets are brown... Wait...Who shat in my garden?
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
A cheerleader gets up in front of me and says "2, 4, 6, 8..." I was like "don't even!"
What do you call a Spanish midget? A paragraph. Because he's not a full essay.
What is the favorite sex position of James Bond? 69 - she **shakes** and he **stirs**.
Feel free to use the "or less" feature of your 140 characters.
Why does Batman wear a mask? Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis
"I only cheated on you with girls" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.
Up-Dog Something smells like updog.
Definition of Insomnia: Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it's gone
What do you call a college scholarship for a black guy? all of them.
How I broke my cat's knees? With rude eyes.
BREAKING: Daniel on Facebook is worried about his account's privacy but Paul is all "that shit's a hoax dude!" More as this story develops.
Flabbergasted I was about to lay this blonde chic i met until she told me to wear a rubber coz she did not want to get HIV AGAIN!
Darth Vader showed up to Luke's party uninvited. Talk about a foe pa.
Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives? because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.
I wish my band were shittier so we could get booked on Leno :(
I just noticed how high the prices were for the Adele concert So I said "Heeeellloooooooo from the Parking loooooooooottt"
Did you guys hear about the new exorcist movie? where the woman hires the devil to pull the priest out of her son.
I meant to type : You're dear to me. I actually typed : You're dead to me. Losing friends is easy.
[2 Humans who definitely aren't lizard people at Denny's] 1: I sure am glad they don't have newt brain on the menu 2: Right on, fellow human
I like my women like I like my beef Slaughtered and then wrapped in plastic with an expiration date stamped on
What part of a vegetable can't you eat? The wheelchair.
If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck... it will be a vacuum cleaner.
Is BB hungry? No, BB-8
I divorced my wife because she made a horrible april fools joke April fools
I've become such a positive person recently, that I only wash my hair with Pantene Pro V bonafidepoo and proditioner.
Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don't work and don't pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.
What do you call a plan to exterminate Hipsters? The Vinyl solution.
what do you get when you spell dyslexia gangnam style? sexilady!
What do a dildo and soybeans have in common? They're both used as a meat substitute.
In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after sex? I'll be home in 20 minutes.
What is 6.9? Good sex interupted by a period
I get so angry when I see nudity on Reddit... so I have to shake my fist
I'm giving up self control for lent It's going to be so hard!
"If he told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?" "No, because i'm not fucking crazy mom."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Allegra ! Allegra who ? Allegra is broken !
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL [angels look nervously at one another]
Did you hear about the Mime Murders? It was an unspeakable horror
What did the old Kentucky colonel say when he got his Viagra? The south shall rise again!
Doctor talking to a woman Doctor says: It looks like you're pregnant. Woman says: I'm pregnant? Doctor says: No, it just looks like you're pregnant.
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
I organized an orgasm denial convention. Nobody came.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Men are like shag carpets. Soft fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Ouch! I stubbed my butt hole...
Massive US blizzard advancing north. African American community complains about exclusion of black snowflakes.
Eating broccoli is a lot like anal sex... If you're forced to have it as a kid, it's less enjoyable when you're an adult.
Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
This may be the vodka talking, but   .
What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Dam!!
I've been squeezing the last drop of toothpaste from this tube for over a month now.
I'm just waiting for the right person to come along and mistake my crippling pessimism for an attractive sense of humor.
In Soviet Russia... ...end of joke is when line punches *you*.
"if inventimg a machine that alows man to soar through the air is wrong, i dont want to be Wright" - Wright brother, invemtor of airplabe
I crossed a Lhasa Apso with a Shih tzu. But all I got was Lhasa Shit.
When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned.
A blonde's house is on fire. She runs outside  and yells "Help me! My house is on fire! What do I do?!"  Someone else yells "Call 911!" The blonde yells back "What's the number?"
What is something that tastes better than it smells? A tongue
My parents just said they want another child. "I'd love a sibling!" I said. "That's not what we meant." they replied.
I always drink heavily whenever there's a blizzard or a hurricane or the slightest breeze.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you? Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Alcohol was created as a social lubricant, to make men brave and women loose.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means 'only married' like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I challenge someone to say something including the word "Trump" or "Hilary" without sounding biased in any way. Hang on... Did I just...
TIFU by mixing condiments up. This is seems to be the wrong sub.
A gay guy and a cow?
What is green and goes backwards at 1000 miles per hour/ (Snorts)
What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ? A cat-a-logue !
Don't ever do that again knock know who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? .... You said you'd never forget
When she found out he worked in technical support, it really turned her on. Then he turned her off. Then he turned her on again.
What do you say when your mom walks in on you fapping? C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
What does a blonde and a tornado have in common? They both start blowing but in the end they take everything from you.
Just ignore me !
What does a spy's pussy smell like. Fishy
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose...? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find
How did the Scottish man find the sheep in the tall grass? Surprisingly pleasing.
After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see. I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"
I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled "the meaning of dreams".
What illness do you diagnose a sick ass online bowling player with? E-bowla!
How do you identify a baboon? Easy, they stick out like a sore bum!
I just got a part in the movie Cocaine I only have one line.
Quack Quack Who's there? A duck.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built  his monster? On a piece rate.
How do you catch a unique bird? Unique up on it.
What's the difference between a woman and a PC from 1995? A woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.
My son: do kids that get bullied go to college? Me: no they go to the police academy
When do computers go to sleep? When it's internight.
I judge a book by it's cover when the cover is a picture worth 1000 words.
I love oral sex... it's the phone bill I hate.
Where do you get frog's eggs? The spawn shop.
Freudian Slips A Linguistic Slip is where you say one thing, but meant another. A Freudian Slip is where you do one thing, but meant your mother.
"I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won't want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!" - cats
What made the New Mexican sad? He was out of meth.
Why are straight men smarter during sex? Because they're plugged into a fucking know-it-all.
You can say that Hodor was Branwashed.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics. GIRL: I love comics. GUY: Oh really? Then what's the Hulk's favorite flavor ice cream?
So, I told a girl "send boobs"... ...and she sent me a topless of her, 8 years old, at a beach. Girls are really losing it, man. Year-old picture?!
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON'T KNOW BUT WE'RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Elliot Ness, Cookie Monster, and John Locke start a law firm. Locke Ness Monster.
*eats whole carrot cake* *waits for eyesight to improve*
Meek Mill's response
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I  think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
If at first you don't succeed . . . don't try skydiving.
Sorry in advance for the pun... So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.
What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
Who would have thought.... Some as humble as I am, could be so important..
This one time, a guy duped me... ... but the joke was on him because then he had to deal with two of me.
A visibly exhausted man walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Long day?" asks the bartender. "No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it's really over
What do the French call artificial feet for cats? Faux Paws
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh you don't know? Never mind. You wouldn't get it.
My new girlfriend just gave me her number i
What do Mexican jokes have in common with black jokes? Once you know Juan, you know Jamal
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
Where do footballers dance? At a football!
A Limerick There once was a barmaid in Salles, On her chest wrote the price of ale. And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille.
The "Slow Children Playing" signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: What sound do dogs make? 3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses? 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs? 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.
What's the most awkward moment for Jesus during sex? When they scream his fathers name.
What cloud is so lazy because it will not get up?  -Fog
I saw a report that teen pregnancy is falling.... But child obesity is rising. Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
"Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!" - The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My dad is hung but then again, everything seemed bigger when I was a kid.
Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
What do you say to a person at a funeral held at 10 A.M.? Good mourning.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminists house? Only one, but you have to slice him REALLY thin!
Why did the chicken cross the road half way ? He wanted to lay it on the line !
Just because someone says, I love you, doesn't automatically mean they love just you.
*accidentally likes a hot girl's photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Age 15: kids are stupid Age 25: kids are stupid Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
What do you call the father of a frog that is in the early stages of its life? *A Dadpole*
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! ... EVERYWHERE! ... SEND...HELP! "Sir we don't ..." Me: OMG! DON'T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says, "You gotta leave. We don't serve food here."
911! I just murdered a bunch of people 911: omg on purpose? Hang on lemme ask, did I murder anyone by mistake?.. No one is answering, So..
(NSFW) All the little children were virgins... .. Except for Kate, her daddy couldn't wait
What do you call a Scottish man with no arms and no legs? a bell.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
What does spinach and butt sex have in common? When they are forced on you as a child you resent them as an adult
When the crooked hamburger took it on the  'lamb' where did it go? Oh 'ewe' know!
One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.
Did you hear about Disney's new Star Wars/ Highlander crossover? The tag line is "There can be Obi-Wan."
I got nothing better to do, dude in a Prius, I will absolutely follow you all the way home just to let you know you're a terrible driver
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you. But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn't. Twitter's hard. Get a helmet.
How did Hitler check the price of his clothes? He looked at the Reichstag.
what did they call the hooker who only slept with vegetarians? a herbiwhore
If you're hot I'm going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.
I recently started a company that combines Perchloric Acid with random elements... So far you could say Bismuth is booming.
It's like my racist grandpa used to say: "Good morning." That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn't one of them.
- Let's get wasted! - No, I have a good job now, a great woman I love, and it's time to grow up. - ???? - Just kidding, few min lol
Man is like spider... ..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web
Sex while camping... Is fucking in tents.
- How many Russians does it take to screw in  a light bulb? - That is a military secret. If I told you I'd have to kill you.
[stranded on Mars] me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
What do you call a black man on the ISS? An astronaut.
I need new jokes to write in people's birthday cards. The one I've been using for years is getting pretty stale: "Happy Bird Day!" Then I draw a bird. Thanks /r/jokes!
It's that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
How long does it take a monkey to fly a plane from LA to New York? About 6 hours.
60% of my day is spent quickly closing non work-related browser windows when my boss walks by.
Yo momma's so fat She did a cannonball, and water was found on Mars.
What's the difference between a duck and a curling iron? A duck is a carbon-based life form while a curling iron is an inanimate appliance
[kids party] "This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year" Dad no "That's.." Please no dad "..Inflation for you" *kids start crying*
What do you call a female peacock? A peacunt
I like my money like I like my women... Under the table.
Why do Americans just ignore the "H" in "Herb"? Honestly, no idea!
What do you call a disembodied nose? Nobody nose. My 8-year-old niece claims she made this up. I have my doubts.
Everyone is misunderstanding me... I just don't know why. I keep telling them I got an East Infection. (better said verbally)
The phone cops got a new case. It fit snuggly.
Wanna hear a cat joke? Just Kitten
There should be a multi-event competition for finding out who the funniest people in the world are. We could call it the LOLympics.
How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!
This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour
Those luxury car ads with a sexy couple zigzagging through the hills should really end with the passenger puking on the side of the road.
"If a Groundhog emerges from this hole wearing too much eye shadow, its grounded for 6 weeks for being a whore"--Groundhog dad
Go to www.JebBush.com
If women lactate... Then men...
I've heard that a support group has been started for writers who can only sell their work to Barnes &amp; Noble It's called Authors without Borders
Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
[on a date with a teacher] Me: your eyes are beautiful Her: yours too Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you Her: i don't know CAN YOU
Repeat after me.... I Pam sofa king read card Ted. Complements of my 6th grader.
Did you hear about that Air Asia flight? Air traffic control didn't.
If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat ? Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say "You haven't seen The Wire?" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I don't think I'm racist but... ...the KKK all look the same to me
If Donald trump and Hilary Clinton both go down on a ship who survives? America that's a no brainer
Definition of a Will: It's a dead giveaway.
So Jesus can turn a Glass of Water into Wine Last night my drunk friend could turn a Glass of Water into Puke.
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
What Hogwarts house was the Big Bad Wolf in? Hufflepuff
Why is Tigger always dirty? Because he plays with Pooh
Donald trump isn't a wight supremacist... he IS an orange supremasist
He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.
Unlike your magazine, an actual watchtower would help me spot Jehovah's Witnesses before they knock on my door.
A Bar joke A Socialist jew, a misandrist woman, a Canadian and a Toupee walk into a Bar. One walks out the President of America.
What does a lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both a lawyer.
What's the difference between a Nun in Church and a Nun in the bath One has Hope in her Soul the other has Soap in her Hole.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't? successfully end a race.
"Pff, I liked bread before it was sliced." - Hipster baker.
What did the pre-school math teacher have to say about her students? Every single one counts.
My wife has been missing for two days now. Police have told me to expect the worst. So I went to the charity shop to buy her clothes back.
Bradley Cooper looks like a guy who's playing a "famous actor" in a made-for-TV movie.
We all deserve friends like the Backstreet Boys. If you ask "am I sexuaaaal?" and don't get a "yeeeeeeah!" in response, you need a new crew.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga's wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that's the dress code.
How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thick you slice 'em.
Satan cannot be everywhere, So Relatives were created..
Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup? It clotted.
I failed my spelling test I got an F for f-ort.
Why do Chinese people sound like lions when you tell them a joke? Because they ror.
A waiter took my plate before I was done and I watched him carry it away like it was my sibling who was just chosen for the hunger games
What do you call a crushed angle? A rektangle.
I watched Cinderella backwards today...
So 2 astronomers decided to throw a party They sit down for lunch and one of them says: ok, let's planet
I just saw a man pick up a screaming child and take her to his van. Man, kids are getting carried away these days.
Three people having sex is called a threesome... Two people having sex is called a twosome. Now I know why everyone calls me handsome. (My brothers Facebook status today...)
The Quran is like weed If you burn it you get stoned.
What kind of dog is the smartest? A great brain!
Egypt is one of those rare countries whose "good old days" were in 2,000 B.C.
Knock, knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you would never forget!
Where is the safest place to stay at Ferguson? The public pool, if it is too crowded try the library.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Have you heard of the Jewish "Catch 22"? Free Ham!
What is the gender of Iron Man? Fe Male
Girlfriend Joke - Written by Me I was in the shower with my girlfriend the other day and I asked her, "Have you ever been peed on in the shower?" She said, "NO!" I said, "Yes, Yes you have!"
Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? Because it's capital is always Dublin.
I'd like to welcome everyone with a car visor CD holder to the year 2011. We understand and accept your simple ways here in the future.
Frederick Douglass opened President Lincoln's mind to the plight of blacks. Name another person who opened Lincoln's mind. John Wilkes Booth.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies? A Swallow.
A kid goes up to his dad with a question... "Dad, can I ask you something?" "Of course." "You and mom are both white, but I'm black. Why?" "That party was so wild, it's a wonder you don't bark."
X post from meanjokes: michael schumacher regained consciousness today, have your heard how the doctors did it? They sat him on the window seat of the bus
This bathroom attendant is a little overzealous. I can shake "it" myself. Also, I am not in the bathroom.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose... Glutes(   )
My sister read '50 Shades of Grey' and relayed some of its explicit content. I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.
When I was growing up I never knew what I wanted to be, now that I'm older I know that it's younger.
Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together? Because they discuss tings.
I wish my parents ran when they heard The Rolling Stones. Now they're stuck under a pile of rocks.
An airplane killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach. Which is why I don't jog.
Where did the Jewish girl go during the bombing? Everywhere.
I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.
If I had to describe myself in three words... It would be; Tall, dark and unable to follow basic instructions
Decadent: Posessing only ten teeth.
What kind of food can you color with? A cranberry! ~ Esher (my Grandson) age 5
What did the conceited man say while he stood on the north pole? The earth revolves around me.
Wanna expand my polynomial?
What's a hipster's favorite kind of cigarette? Yours.
Why are people without converse shoes dangerous? Because they own none chucks.
The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket
My atheist, mathematician friend insists religion is negative... Because at it's root, it's imaginary!
What did the duck say to the cashier after she purchased some lipstick? "Just put it on my bill"
All of these Ferguson jokes lately... What a riot!
Why don't Canadians have many orgies? Too many thank-you notes.
"Settle down. You can play Whac-a-Mole when the man with the neck tattoo uses up his tokens." Chuck E Cheese is such a special place.
Yo momma's so fat... LIGO detected her gravitational wave.
Is it dangerous to swim on a full stomach? Yes. It's better to swim in water.
What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the inside of her coffin.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she can't still screw.
Chuck Norris... ..was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands
Women call it a secret sixth sense, men call it paranoia.
My skis are like my parents They're drifting apart
Most Racist Joke I Have Heard (told to me by a devout Chinese Jew) whats the worst part about being a black jew? getting put in the back of the oven.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
So after how many speeding tickets am I qualified to be an honorary race car driver?
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row... ...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts
My audiologist put his penis in my ear. Now I've got hearing AIDS.
Critics say Botox is too expensive... ...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.
I once knew a girl so basic... ...that if you pushed her into a pool of acid, it'd be considered a-salt.
Well, a wasp just flew into my house and I hope the fire department gets here soon.
A man drives his truck and runs over a woman. Whose fault is it? His fault. He shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.
"Here, throw this away for me." ~ People who hand out leaflets.
How do Russians drive to Alaska? By bearing straight
How can you tell someone's a navy seal? they'll tell you in their novel.
What's a pirates favorite letter? You may think R, but a pirates first love will always be the C.
Whats a caged animal's favorite food? Zoocchini
Sometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.
I took a laxative and smoked some weed. You know just for shits and giggles.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ? Don't feed it !
Old but gold What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school? Bison.
Uber driver just asked me "how much would you pay to go swimming in the sky?" I wish I hadn't seen how dilated his pupils were. Also, $975.
What is a Latino gang member's favorite type of exam? Essay
I don't know about you guys... but I don't want Trump's trickle down economics....
They're really just "Grammer Nazis" But the media keeps calling them "Alt-Write"
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
Umm, no officer. I'm pretty sure that bag of weed fell out of YOUR pocket.
What's the best part of sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
feeling dunb after a class test they are always the same :( reddit jokes saved me
A bartender walks into a barn... The horse says, "Hey, why the wrong place?"
Why did Hitler kill the Jews? Because they're greedy dirty Jews
Just once, I'd like to see a cactus that isn't flexing.
Who is your's Your Father's- Mother's- daunghter-in-law's husband is your?
"Children can be very cruel," I reassure my 6 year-old. "But sometimes it seems like you aren't even trying."
Which route should you take through the woods  when riding a fizzy horse? The psycho-path!
My orange tabby tried to convince me he was a big cat today I don't believe him since he's known for lion.
BUSH AND BILL Jokes Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House? A: Because President Bill Clinton's code name was also "Mr. Bush."
What do you call a smart mexican? Sherlock, Holmes.
A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck... ... And says "make me one with everything".
What is M. Night Shamalan's favorite game? Twister.
What is Hitler's favorite drink? genocider
A Jewish Coffee brand named... Hebrews It
I don't always say 'oops', but when I do, it's usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
"BE CAREFUL! I HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS!" She snapped.
"Snap! The Rice Krispie cereal mascot just isn't my type... ...his idea of a date is to just 'Crackle and Pop'"
I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a stone? Killed.
Wow, you're a Sagittarius?? That must mean you're trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Where do Eskimos train their dogs ? In the mush room !
A man was about to jump off the Empire State Building... A physicist runs up to him and shouts "Don't do it you have so much potential!"
An apple a day does not keep the doctor away. Look at Steve Jobs.
Have you heard the joke about the 13-inch ruler? Never mind. It's too long.
Murphy said to his daughter "I want you home by  eleven o'clock."  She said "But Father I'm no longer a child!"  He said "I know that's why I want you home by eleven."
If these celebrity stints in rehab were any shorter, they'd be drive-thrus.
Halloween Joke Thread Share your best Halloween jokes here, reposts and all. Maybe this will help with the sub being overrun with the same thing?
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I have never payed for a garbanzo bean on my face.
We complain when it's hot. We complain when it's cold. We are such c**ts. That's why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Did you here about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
A teenager walks into a library. He asks the librarian, "Where can I find a book on how to kill myself?" The librarian retorts, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
Whenever I feel like I'm a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don't feel so bad
How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas? he raps his presents
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My daughter asked me if opposite day is real. I said yes. Because, you know. Opposite.
Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and they shouldn't be aired in public.
I always put pennies in that thing at the convenience store so I can put "benefactor" on my resume.
Energy Drink OD = Black out and wake up in a bookstore signing copies of the book "Part-time Boy: The Unauthorized Biography of Lady Gaga."
What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common? In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
Why is it worse this time around? Thermal cameras mean I can't save anyone by hiding them in my roof.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I'm in.
If Satan ever lost his hair... There would be hell toupee.
Shakespeare was a good sport... He ended all his sonnets with gg.
What do you call a person who sexually identifies as a Xenomorph? An alie-kin
Sex therapists have invented a new long lasting, alcohol based, vaginal gel and lubricant. Campaigners have slammed the move saying it could lead to 24 hour minge drinking.
I sent my wife a card that said, "I DON'T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU'VE MADE."
Don't lye. It makes you basic.
Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
Did you hear they made an Emo-Hipster pizza? It cuts itself, and you're supposed to eat it before its cool.
I lost my mood ring yesterday I don't know how I feel about it.
A comma is the difference between "Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton." and "Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."
I don't get why people say "Pussy tastes great"... I've licked 5 of them, Then I got Cat hair in my mouth
What do you call a Yugoslavian Pimp? Yasalivason Medickubitch
why should you never iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Feminists don't change anything
What would you get if you crossed a skunk with a type of Easter candy? Smelly beans!
*holds pen ready* "How many zeros in one million?" "Six" "Ok, thanks" *writes milli000000n*
A pretty face gets old, a nice body changes, but a good woman will always be a good woman.
I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
I want my tombstone to read: Don't feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Halloween and Valentine's day are pretty much the same thing... people dress up and pretend to be someone they're not for some sugar
Did you hear about the girl who caught the STD Pokemon? She got a Vulvasore!
"Watch me smell my wine." - white people
Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.
What do they do in West Virginia for Halloween? Pump Kin
God: But if you use your sting you will die. Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news? God: Err...
A man walks into a zoo... The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.... It's a shitzu.
A Mexican, a Cuban, and a Puerto Rican are in the back seat of a car. Who's driving ? Immigration. (ICE)
How does a candy bar laugh? It snickers
Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes? I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?
what does a nosey peper do? gets jalapeno buisness.
Two men walk into a bar... You'd think the second one would've noticed
What do you call a chinese food truck? A Wok in the Park
Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip across the flat ones.
Why do White Supremists call this month "The Holocaust"? Because it's just another Jew Lie (The Holocaust is real and this is just a joke)
Heard if the Obama diet? Putin eats your lunch everyday...
How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market? Buy high sell higher.
If my name was Richard I would become a professional photographer and call my company Dick Pics
What's the difference between... What's the difference between dubstep and a fish on the floor? Nothing as long as you drop the bass.
How many zen buddists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One and not one.
what if an italian guy smoked weed, he might say "emma stone"
In Egypt they started throwing gay people in the river, an Egyptian friend of mine swears he isn't gay. But he's still in the Nile.
i may be single but at least im gettin f*cked financially!
Her: "Honey, I want to be with you 24/7" Him: "Ok, see you on the 24th of July"
Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed? To catch her false teeth.
Had to Return the Sensitive Toothpaste I bought yesterday... It couldnt take a joke!
What do you call a Grizzly bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear!
Her: What's your biggest weakness? Me: My honesty. Her: I don't think that's a weakness. Me: I don't give a fcuk what you think.
So I just flashed my hard drive. Though why showing my computer my schlong is meant to speed it up I'll never know.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
How do you know when you are going to drown in milk? When it's past your eyes.
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Two friends were walking down the road, won took a crap and shit slid out. Her friend said that aint shit that my cunt
I have been trying to find a new hobby So lately i have been drag racing. I win most of the time, it's hard for them to outrun me in heels
"He be dead." Who? Your English teacher?
Chefs who can't admit failure present: Soft-boiled eggs Steak tartare Twice-baked potatoes Sour cream Calzones Pineapple upside down cake
Why do lesbians hate Nutella? Because it's not nut-free
So I went around to a friends house... And on his mantle was a bronze statue of an animal butt. When I asked him about it he said it was a catastrophe.
[Shipwreck Diary] Day 29: worried I'm losing track of time Day 4: nope. I'm fine
"I can't understand a word he says" A: Meet my new born brother. B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name? A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
Help! I accidentally swallowed a mint! Never mind, I'm cool now.
My wife is like my phone When she's turned off she won't even give me the time of day
A man walked into a bar He was knocked unconscious.....
Two snowman are in a field. One turns to the other and says "I don't know about you, but I smell carrots"
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
How do Muslims cook their eggs? Sunni side up.
You know, if grapes actually tasted like "grape-flavored" stuff then maybe life wouldn't seem like such a lie all the time.
What's long, hard, and has cum in it? A cucumber. edit: words
What is the fiercest flower in the garden ? The tiger lily !
Why can't you lift weights on Monday? It's a week day.
God Said to Phil "Come Forth and Receive Eternal Life." Phil came fifth and received a toaster.
Objection your honor! He's badgering the witness lmao *Courtroom erupts in laughter* Badger: Ok seriously I'm a lawyer and deserve respect
A surgeon turns to his assistant, while operating, and says... "Hey, it's the right or the left one?" "Are you serious?" "Just kiddneying!"
I've been called "Poindexter" for different things... Does that make me ambipoindextrous?
What do you call an Irishman sitting on your front porch? Paddy O'Furniture
what do you call cheese thats not yours. someone elses cheese. what else would it be.
Q: What kind of bees make milk? A: Boo-Bees
Have you heard about the Italian chef? He pasta way
My Boss's Name is Richard. I think his last name should be Cranium; because he is a dick head.
What do you call it when Hitler is constipated? Ow-shits
What's a pig's favourite casino game? Porker.
You can tell a lot about someone by the tank top they wear. For instance, if they wear a tank top, they're probably a dick.
Apparently Cadbury's are making an oriental chocolate bar I reckon it's just a Chinese whisper
Whats the difference between my computer and Paul Walker... ... When my computer crashes, I give a shit.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Thats is how i outsmart him :P My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
School is like a boner.. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you? Because he doesn't know the time of day.
Sorry I went down on your moms sister at your BBQ... I guess you could say I'm... [lowers shades] An aunt-eater.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey... worst first day ever
Why did the mother cat pick up her kittens? She didn't want to litter
What's brown, sticky and runs down your leg? Chocolate Ice Cream in July!
why does reddit love cats so much? because they give zero fucks
How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly  flat? You use a spirit level.
I had to put my dog down today. My arms were getting tired.
Websites that automatically start playing music are like friends that awkwardly start giving you a massage.
What is the difference between a black man and an elevator? An elevator can raise a child.
I don't throw snowballs because I believe snowman life begins at snowball conception.
Have you heard about the Polish lesbian? She fucks men.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like a choir boy.
Some women enjoy eye contact during oral sex on a gentleman Others say it stings.
Why do weathermen name hurricanes after women? Because when they come they're wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights
What did Cinderella say when say got to the ball? *choking sound*
So a guy enters a theme park alone
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare* DC: Which room will you be working out in? Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
"Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor."
So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise... Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men.
I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate... He said NaBrO3
STAGES OF DRUNK: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don't wake up the cows.
Why do you never see elephant's in trees? They're really good at hiding.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
When is it alright to spit in a muslims face It never is
What do you call a guy who has sex with bums? A hobosexual.
Why do technicolor pigs have great breath? Because the have a lot of pigments.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Becker ! Becker who ? Becker the devil you know !
What did the diabetic's girlfriend call him as pet name? Sweet pee.
Why did princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
Small problem with Donald Trump's like logic. Yes Donald, you can build a wall, yes you can make the Mexican's pay for it. But who's gonna build the wall?
today, my girlfriend asked me for a dick pic.... but the NASA didn't let me use the Hubble Space telescope..
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. I said about 30 minutes
Don't you hate people that answer their own questions? I do.
Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn't
Reading's great. You stare at stained slices of tree for hours on end, hallucinating vividly as time passes you by.
I don't get it Friend: "1980's called, they want their music back" Me: "The mirror called, they want their joke back" Friend: "I don't get it"
My grandfather died during the Holocaust. Fell right out of the guard tower.
On Sunday, a user posted the joke "Jesus"...which was quickly buried... Its been 3days, has anyone seen it?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today* Back again? Forget something? -Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*skydiving* Jumper: Where's your parachute? Married Guy: Don't need one J: There's no chance of survival MG: Not trying to beat the odds
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
what did the rapman say to other rapman yo tony where did you get that fresh salami?
What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers? The Daily Express.
A Rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Confused, the bartender asks, "Where did you get that??" The parrot replied, "Oh him? New York."
THE HONEST LAWYER When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth? When his lips are shut.
Yep. Not sure what freaked out the mailman more - that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived.
What do you get when you cross Hitler with a black woman? Aw sieg heil no!
Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. - bob marley
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it's the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Why did God invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners? Use the forks Luke.
If Hillary wins in 2016, it's gonna be a huge year for shoulder pads
I was in a band called Cheap Viagra.' We never made it big.
What did Spock find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise? The Captain's Log.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Google won't replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.
A Load of Old Rubbish by Stefan Nonsense
Caller ID should be more specific. It should say things like, "Needs to borrow money" or "Will whine about petty stuff".
Why repent? I pented just last week.
They told me i had type A blood. But it was a type O.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
America's favorite psychic Ms Cleo passed away No one saw this coming.
Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.
"I am not a human garbage disposal" *eats leftover mac n cheese anyway* *makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*
I just bought a thesaurus from the book store, however when I got home I found that all the pages were blank! I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don't you take a "how to eat sandwiches without choking" course?
Why is it so hard to convict horse rapists? Because sometimes neigh means yay.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers! Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard...
Whats it called when batman leaves church early? Christian Bale
What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's head before she died? The Dashboard
Where does a hedge knight invest his money? In a hedge fund
Giving Money To The Non-Homeless Prank What kind of reactions could we get by giving our spare change to people who clearly don't need it. confused and disoriented evidently. :D
Why did Russia close all of its airports? The planes were stalin.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.
If your surname is Dumpty, don't name your kid Humpty. I mean, seriously.
Can't believe I'm still writing "-oslovakian" on all my Czechs.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. I can accept getting old, but it was in my Big Mac.
What is a person with epilepsy's favourite salad? Chicken Seizure Salad.
Why did Adolph Hitler become embarrassed in a Jewish synagogue? He had bad gas.
I've never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
What did one pizza tell the other pizza? A cheesy pun.
I don't trust stairs... They're always up to something
What's the difference between going into a sewer system and the government buildings? They're both full of shit, but the government's got more assholes.
Your mother .
are you my appendix because i don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out
How does a black girl know she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon the cotton is already picked
Feels like there's not enough blood in my drugstream.
Why did Hitler cross the street? To get to the GENO-SIDE!
No one is ever able to catch me. What country do I live? Iran
I told my mom I was going to run away to Oklahoma. All she said was, "OK"
friend: Try this me[takes drink] It's wine friend: Did you detect a hint of anything? me:Alcohol friend: But what did it taste like? me:Wine
What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common? Both have had to adjust for inflation.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The Nazi's weren't bad guys. And I know I'm 100% reich about this.
You can find weed in almost every book go to page 420
What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup? Anyone can roast beef.
An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
I saw a smart car get hit with a snow ball today, yep, it was totalled!
This joke is like a never ending stairway. This joke is like a never ending stairway, it leads up to nothing
When a friend dies, I'm not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally "poke" them to see if they're still dead.
How can you get four suits for under $2.00? Buy a deck of cards.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
A Chemist with a broken arm fell in some lava His splint went up in flames
hate how my phone sometimes autocorrects haha to hahahahaha. im trying to end a conversation not laugh harder than i ever have in my life.
I like my logic like I like my logic... Circular.
Why do you get the best blowjob at a crack house? Because they ain't got no teeth!
Why can't anarchists draw straight lines? Because they don't have any rulers.
Q&amp;A / ALMOST CHOKES IN cinnamon challenge Watch This Guy DO A Q*A And Almost Chokes ON The cinnamon challenge
One time I got Starmix and Tangfastics mixed up... ...it was a Haribo mistake.
I've met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the f*cking cactus.
Doctor Doctor I can't stop singing Delilah Oh that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome Is it common It's not unusual.
Found out the name of my neighbor's cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
I went to that new sexy internet cafe My server sure had a nice rack
So a realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?" The realtor says "Brochure"
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said. "Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
John Wayne vs. Johnnie Walker What the difference between John Wayne and Johnnie Walker? Johnnie Walker is still killing indians.
How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb? 2. 1 to change the light bulb, the other to take pictures.
why don't black people go on cruises? Because they already fell for that shit once.
If I had five coconuts and I gave you three how many would I have left ? I don't know. Why not ? In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
The freebie-jeebies That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
What's the most popular sexual activity among Manitoban horses? (NSFW) Whinny-pegging!
What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet? The toilet only has to take shit from one asshole at a time. . .
I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.
What happened to the plant in math class? It grew square roots.
s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic
What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common? One protects all colors.
*DJ scratches a sick mix* [crowd goes wild] *DJ scratches a puppy's ear* [crowd "awws"] *DJ scratches Lotto ticket* [crowd "oohs"] *wins $1*
Is there a big difference between Alan and Robin Thicke Or is it just a blurred line?
What is a caterpillar afraid of? a dogerpillar. Sorry. It was so bad that I had to share it. Fuck you Laffy Taffy.
A guy says to a poor kid... "Speak like you eat!" And the poor kid stop talking.
You're so ugly that You're so ugly when you went to the store to get your photos developed they threw away the memory card
Why did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke.
What did the pirate name his pet clam? Michelle
For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.
What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit
Jared and zits What's the difference between Jared and Acne? Acne doesn't come on a kids face until there a teenager!
Grapes What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breath, stupid!"
I've had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said "C'mon, can't we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes."
What's Chris Brown's favourite drink? Punch
<- I've been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Why do tampons have strings? So crabs can go bungee jumping
The airport lost my luggage so I took it to court. I lost my case.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer I give a shit when my computer crashes
This article says 80% of men feel confident being naked in front of a woman. Twitter says the rest prefer being naked in front of a donut.
Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No
I'm organizing a party for people who can't ejaculate Please tell me if you can't come.
Knock Knock Who's there? Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly who? Peanut butter jelly you!
Confucius say....... ........woman who fly in plane upside down, crack up.
what did the zombie say when he prank-called someone? "deez gutz"
Trump has a change of heart and brings Hillary to his administration As Ambassador to Libya
When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.
I tied a string around my finger to remind me about World Leprosy Week, but it fell off.
Two businessmen are at a bar One asks the other: "What would you do with a loan of a million dollars?" The other replies: "Not become Trump."
What did drunk say to the blonde? Nice ass.
Autocorrect just turned "stepdaughter" into "lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"
Is the volcano mean or nice? He was mean because he interrupts. (Courtesy of a family member - Benjamin)
Why did the hippie drown? He was too *far out*!
GPS: You're not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant... ...and you realize you have to tell your wife.
I'll never set a book in the ancient Roman Empire again. Ben Hur, done that.
In the middle ages, it didn't take long to learn human anatomy. You could learn it all with one knight and a scalpel.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings. Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though?
Why was the broom late? Because it overswept.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnut? w' jammin it
A man breaks into a pharmacy and kills the pharmacists... He then steals as much medicine as he can carry and runs off. Police say it was the first known case of a modern day pillage.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
My girlfriend said she liked surprises. But you should have seen her face when I told her I have chlamydia.
Is there a site I can go to where I can write down stuff that happens to me? Like an electronic diary (eDiary)?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies? Me: That's an oddly specific question. 4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
What's the difference between a church and a mosque? In a church you see pew, pew pew. In a mosque you hear pew pew pew.
Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..
Imagine the look on his band's faces when Steve Miller hit them with lyrics claiming people called him Space Cowboy & The Gangster of Love.
Why did a Jamaican cry while eating chicken? Because the chicken was a Jerk.
How did Princess Aurora catch her prince? She became a sleeper agent
If I ever ask you, very seductively, "Do you wanna do it?" It means take a nap.
Doing a suicide attack is... ...a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
WHAT KIND OF BAND PLAYS SNAPPY MUSIC? A RUBBER BAND.
TIFU by being dyslectic and using the wrong public transportation Whoops, wrong bus.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What's important is that you're rich & you have a giant castle
(NSFW) What's a vagina's favorite type of music? Cuntry!
I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply? "At least it's all behind you."
Great Halloween costume idea! I just went through my closet and found my ex's clothes. Does anyone want to be a raging bitch for Halloween?
All men are the same Said the Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A unemployed male college graduate.
After being fired Donald Trump went to collect his last paycheck from NBC but HR wasn't sure who toupee
Why did the paedophilic bestialist not answer his name? Because he was feeling a little horse.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
If the shortened nickname for the Buccaneers is the Bucs, the Jaguars are the Jags, and the Patriots are the Pats... Then what do we call the Titans?
Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven was a Six offender.
If I ever have a heart attack, I'm deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening [flashback] GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol called the congressman... X/post from r/guns .....it doesn't work and you can't fire it.
What's the worst thing your wife can do while you're having sex? Come home early.
Logic What happens when u ask a fake logic fan... What is your favorite logic album? Their response Flexicution
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse responds, "Because my daughter just died of leukemia."
ayo girl are you an unanswered email? bc you are stressing me tf out
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
What's the difference between me and my couch? My couch pulls out
Grape Joke What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe!
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Wife: I lost my day planner. Me: Not in your briefcase? W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE. M: Well it looks like you've got a hidden agenda W:
What's Hitler's favorite thing in the ocean? Adolfin! Where does he go to see them? NotSea World
What do Nazi pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
(Very blue/dirty) What's the difference between regular blood and period blood? You can't eat normal blood with a fork.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I cant jelly my dick in your ass
Me as a news anchor: an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
What happens when the smog/fog/smoke over Los Angeles lifts? You see L.A.
That awkward moment where you don't know if you're in a relationship or not.
TV playback craziness [Through the eyes of Adrienne Hedger](https://www.facebook.com/HedgerHumor/photos/pb.630201143662377.-2207520000.1443863939./1179935295355623/?type=3&amp;theater). :)
What happened when Cinderella got to the ball? She choked.
What was the best part about Narcos Season 2? [SPOILERS] Tata, Pablo Escobar
I'd tell you a joke about thorium... But it would be quite shocking.
How do you get a Jewish girls number? roll her sleeve up
What do you call war fought with bees? ...Beeological Warfare
What do you call a beaten up pretzel? A salted pretzel
What do you call someone who pushes people down stairs? A stairorist.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Why do German shower-heads have 11 holes? because Jews only have 10 fingers.
I didn't hold open a door for a woman and she said 'I suppose Chivalry is dead' So I put my sword through her heart to prove otherwise.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.
This joke is like cancer. Some of you will get it. Some of you won't. Either way, you won't be laughing.
how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to eat my ass. One to suck my dick. I screw in the light bulb...
How many verses did the Prophet Muhammad write? Allah-t. Thanks for listening.
Pot bellied pigs are gateway pigs to cocaine bellied pigs.
People who say I'm hard to shop for obviously didn't see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else. One arm at a time.
What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A cock that stays up all night.
What is a guy who rubs bear toes called? Rob...wait for it... erto! Rubeartoe!
Shout out to all the sassy receptionists out there. I won't even go near businesses that don't have sassy as hell receptionists.
How does a boat captain determine his profit? By using aquadratic equation. (Via my coworker)
Here's the one way to avoid clickbait (screw the other OP!). [Click here for the truth!](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2tjg13/heres_the_one_way_to_avoid_clickbait_screw_the/)
I don't get why people are so obsessed with anti-matter It doesn't even matter
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
The other day, after much trial and error, I successfully became completely weightless... I was like, 0mg!
I got spam from someone named "Amishguy." I wonder how fast his windmill had to turn in order for him to email me like that.
[first date] HER: I totally love Nirvana ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums HER: Nevermind ME Okay, forget about it then
How many apples grow on trees? All of them
WebMD says pregnancy symptoms are fatigue, tender breasts, irritability, cravings, and headaches. All chicks are pregnant. All. The. Time.
Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
What's a poor person favorite meal? Sleep.
son, you don't need to close your eyes, it's just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you're not watching it
If there was an award for being the laziest guy ever I would send someone else to get it for me.
What do you call a theft by a stumbling person? A lumberjack.
What do you say to an art student with a job? "Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese"
What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with a boob job? One's a crusty bus station.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, no ones laughing now.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before.
Why did the black guy cross the road? He heard there was chicken on the other side!
What's better than winning a gold medal at the special Olympics? Not being retarded
What's the most disloyal animal to it's mate? A cheetah.
me: How many calls do I get? cop: one me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?
Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn't have blankets. Sorry lady in seat 21B
Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?! The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!
First time I saw the Trojan bare skin condoms I was like, what? Bear skin? That seems unpleasant.
My Tylenol bottle says "DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT." Does anyone know how to contact him?
I heard there was a paedophile roaming my neighbourhood. I don't know who it could be, nearly all of my neighbours are sexy little kids...
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
[OC] My best friend recently lost the front of his foot in a boating accident and now I hate him. I'm surprised by how lactose intolerant I am.
A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3. ??? 4. Prophet.
*bakes 12 cookies* *waits for family to come home* *eats 12* *family arrives* 5 year old: "I SMELL COOKIES!" "Weird! Here's a salad."
I bet it turns out 100% of serial killers wore jeans to the gym.
Apple invented a new app, Asians love it. Introducing the iOpener.
I believe the Pope did what all Catholics are told to do. Pull out early.
Canada has crack?
Why are there no black snowmen? WHITE POWDER!!!
I give lions haircuts by the river for a living What I do is all but manestream.
I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick! Exercise
1) Put on chicken costume 2) Go to store to pick up eggs 3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream "WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????"
Non-alcoholic beer... Is like eating your sister's pussy. It tastes the same but deep down you know it just isn't right.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I went to the zoo the other day.. I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog. It was a shihtzu.
Why is imgur down? It was over *cat*pacity.
Recently in my town there has been a lot of rain. A local church put this sign on the marquee: "Tired of the rain?..." "... Come find the Son inside!"
why was the computer late to work? because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can't stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.
You know what really turns me on? Unprotected.....WiFi.
So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you've hit,i will be removing mine
Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
In his quest to become a brain surgeon, Charlie the otter couldn't afford to live at the University of aquatic mammals. He was forced to take online courses from the Hippo-Campus.
Jesus was white If there's one thing I learned in church, it's that the man was a cracker
Dirty One Liner Girl: "Hey, what's up?" Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
Knock Knock "Who's there?" "Cows go" "Cows go who?" "No, Silly. Cows go moo"
Nothing creepier than a grown man drinking a glass of milk.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About six beers.
Reddit is like my Mom If it sucked, I probably wouldn't be here.
Premature Ejokeulation What do you get when you cross someone with a sex disorder and someone who ruins punchlines?
My boobs are so big you can't even motorboat me. You have to row boat me. With oars.
What do you call a bunch of Jews in a concert? A Moshe Pit
What's the cheapest concert you can go to? 50 cent feat. Nickelback.
I Need To Tell You All SomeThing Very Important. Sanic Ate A Burrito Then Pooped On Bready.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you're handsome. Me: Aww. That's cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there.
What is a video game characters favorite method of brawling? Hitboxing!
What do gay cows eat? Haaaaayyyy(gay voice)
On my way to Chicago. Anybody need anything? Hot dog? Deep dish pizza? Bull's Jersey? A lock of Oprah's hair?
"What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?" "I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."
Condoms are really counterproductive.
How many Police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they are too busy beating the shit out the room for being black.
What hotel does Link always ask for? HYATT
Classic How do you make a Ice Cream man sad? - - - - - - Kill his family.
I've discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I'm 2/3 virgin.
Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.
Ok son, the bad news is, your dog died while u were at school. The good news however, I found a vape pen in a tree mmmm onion flavor
Having my wisdom teeth pulled. They have nothing left to teach me. I must learn on my own from now on.
[drug test] WEED: what did you get for #15? HEROIN: the teacher said not to share answers. COCAINE: done LSD: this paper tastes like crab
I just found out my wife is 1/4 Navajo And 3/4's regular ho.
*puts spider in the ocean* "Now go free and flourish into an octopus." *cuts girl in half & puts in ocean* "Mermaid probably."
Why was the car naked? It was missing a tire.
Why does Marx support New Years Eve celebrations? Well, it's got everyone out and about, celebrating another revolution..... (I'll show myself out)
I told my psychiatrist that I believe I have the power to detect Indian bread for miles around. He said that's naan-sense.
Plot Twist Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he's emailing everyone now.
Why aren't you allowed alcohol on a golf course? Because it's a crime to drink and drive.
How do you make a mailman cry? You kill his family
Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
TIL: In 1949, the French police spent 3 months investigating DiVince's Mona Lisa in connection to a murder. Apparently she was framed.
"Two thumbs up!" -man with 12 thumbs reviewing a movie he hated
What do you call a bunch of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hairline.
Don't be sexist. It's just wrong. And being wrong is for women.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill  for men? A: It changes their blood type.
Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.
British English will have only 3 vowels now A I O They left E U
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the "bananus".
A long time ago, I thought of a soda joke. I'd share it with you, but I'm afraid I think it'd fall flat.
Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.
My youngest brother told me this one, he laughed for hours afterwards. What's worse than being a butt-half? Being a butt-whole!
[Request] Aboriginal jokes
I got stuck in a tornado once It sucked
Q: Why didn't the pig have to pay for drinks on the cruise? A: It was all-oink-lusive.
What do you call a prostitue from Maui? "Hana Ho"
North Korea is calling for war. In other news, it's Saturday.
My girlfriend is like ketchup. I always bang her on the table.
My dog recently stole my loafers. Now they're his new favorite pair of **chews.**
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I'm "not afraid to eat bread"--so I'm done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website. That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."
If a band plays music in a thunderstorm who  is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.
The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren't fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth
Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not: a) Work related b) Mel Gibson
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Did you know that Miley has a twin sister? Her name is Tyranna and she's a palaeontologist.
What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet? Lieutenant
Tomorrow...trade cell phones with your significant other for the day...see how many of you are single by the end of the day...
How come it's ok to talk to a stranger's dog on the street but when I ask for the dog's email I'm suddenly a weirdo?
How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin? A little stiff.
Just tasteless A man gets the words "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his crank. His wife tells him "Quit putting words in my mouth!"
What would you call it if Hitler was mad? inFUHRERiated.
My doctor says I'm allergic to feces I am the egg man. Poopoo, achoo!
told my mum i wanted to get a tattoo in a disgusted manner she replied 'over my dead body!' i was like, 'well i was planning on getting it on mine, whilst breathing'
2 Types of People I Hate 1) People who make lists. 2) Hypocrites
[Dr.] "Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you'll die" *slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth* "Don't do it" *eats cheese* *dies*
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor's house is genius.
A Jewish dilemma? Free ham
What is the 2nd worst reason to become a historian? A. To find evidence of time travel. What is the worst reason to become a historian? To find evidence of your own time travel adventures
Why was the Frenchmen racist? Because he was a bigette.
I was sober for 12 years... And then i turned 13.
Why are Jewish men circumcised? Cause Jewish women won't take anything unless its 10% off.
I get a sense of pride and achievement when my boss catches me actually doing work.
French toast is just like regular toast but with a tongue in it
"Honey, it's time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas" "You mean the birds & the bees?" "DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!"
What do you say to a urinating Italian? You're-a-pee'n
Number Bullying 1 was making fun of 0 for being fat and how he equates to nothing. This continued for several weeks until 0 had enough. He grabs 1 by his throat and shouts "Stop boolean me!".
what did the police do when they wanted to interrogate mark? question mark.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to attempt to screw it in and the rest to bitch and complain about how its mans fault that it's so hard to do.
do you have any idea how fast you were going? "no, I'm not wearing my contacts"
Why did Bach have to sell his organ? A: Because he was baroque.
Q: What lives in the sea and yells? A: A clam shouter.
What's the difference between a whore and a prostitute? One of them is a paid professional and the other one's your mom.
Think I've got the Windows 7 ADVANCED edition. It automatically created ".dust" files in my e-book folder.
Survivor would be a cooler show if only one contestant remained alive at the end of the season and that was the prize.
I like my coffee like I like my women... Chopped up and in the back of my freezer.
"You know the speed limit here, son?" 45 "You know how fast you were going?" 88 "So where you off to in such a hurry?" 1985
Carrots are good for your eyes but they hurt when I put them in.
I gave my bus seat to a blind man this morning... I lost my job as a bus driver.
Two Policemen Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site."
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It's definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
What do you call somebody who is anti-vaccines? An idiot, just a god damn idiot.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight? Cannibals. And also a fork.
Organic chemistry is difficult Those who study it have alkynes of trouble
Why does everyone hate Harkonnen web-devs? Divs within Divs within Divs ...
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
Why can't you be friends with a tampon? Because they are stuck up cunts.
How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs? None, he fell.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase "but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that"
(NSFW) Let's have a bet Let's have a bet. When I grow up, I'm gonna be a good dad. If I am a good dad, you will give me a million pounds. If I'm not, I'll beat the shit out of my kids, deal?
Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you  back there? Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.
Nothing says defeat than deleting your own tweet.
call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't remember... Call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget =)
A magic tractor drives down the road.. and turns into a field
Look what the cat dragged in! *freaks out remembering I don't have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
What did the Mexican guy get for Christmas? His verdict.
How do you make your dick look bigger? Take a picture of it in a 5 year old's hand
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating "Little did they know..." over and over and over.
What does Belathor call his balls? His treasures.
What's the difference between Mic Jagger and a Scotsman? Mic Jagger says "Hey you, get off of my cloud". A Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"
How to kill a hipster with 3 words Breathing is mainstream.
My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my crotch... Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.
How do you keep an Idiot occupied? [Click here to find out]( http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1v1wqm/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_occupied/)
People are like, "How cute! Your dog looks just like you!" I'm like, "That's my son."
I hate the lack of entertainment on westjet flights It's driving me bored-air-line crazy
Why do people hate cliffhangers? Because the suspense is killing them.
Dove is supposedly 1/4 moisturizing cream, but this one seems like it's at least 80% bones and feathers.
She's a 159er Oh shit, it's 1:59, I'll take her.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
What's the hardest part of a vegatable to eat? The wheelchair.
You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.
Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.
This is how I like to review my books: I look at their prose and cons.
What does santa do with a lazy reindeer? Sleighs 'em
I have 5 uncles. Scott, Daniel, Bob, Tate, And the one that works at Nintendo.
Socialism jokes are only funny if everybody gets them. Its Reality.
How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.
How do you blind a woman? You put a windshield in front of her.
Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I'd prob eat it.
What do you call a dictator running a bookshop? The Supreme Reader.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
so this cargo of brain transplants went missing and... uh... ... ah shit... lost my train of thought
What is Kim Jong Un's favourite video game? Duke Nukem.
How do skateboarders see? So gnar
I overheard a voyeur couple talk... ... about how they needed to start seeing other peepholes.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you'll have to pay an extra $25 to check it. Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
What did one guy at a gay bar say to the other guy? Can I push your stool in? I just wanted to note that my ten year old brother told me this joke.&amp;#3232;\_&amp;#3232;
I just started my career as a shy rapist. It's touch and go.
I'm technically 5'11" but whenever people ask I just say I'm 6'0". I do it for the same reason I tell people I have a four inch penis - what's an extra inch, anyway?
Just ran over chumbawamba with my car at 80mph Lying Bastards!
These Alt-Right people should Ctrl+Alt-Right+Delete themselves from American society, Am I right?!
Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you're an idiot
Just remember that whatever you put up with, you end up with.
What do you call it when someone steals your footrest? Grand Theft Ottoman
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons? Her: Will there be children dining today? Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Defense attorneys are just like porn stars. Their only job is to get you off.
Nothing like an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
What do you call two skunks sixty-nining? Odor eaters.
That's a Chapstick in my pocket and I'm a little happy to see you.
People who say me breastfeeding in public is 'inappropriate' ...should grow up. It strengths the relationship between me and my dog.
Why do farts smell? So that deaf people can enjoy them too.
How many post-minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. On e to he lp with t he he lp with one two with and the oth there to {}}}}}}}}}}}}} and th e to two with lp he
Having gay parents must be horrible ... ... you either get twice as much of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
Guy walks into a store and asks the cashier for $0 in change... cashier says "$0? That doesn't make any cents!"
What do thanksgiving dinner and the refugee crisis in Europe have in common? Turkey and grease
How does the Navy separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar
The police came to my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes My dogs don't even have bikes.
Something only a guitarist can say I broke a g-string fingering A minor.
Tried to make my coffee with Red Bull today... I made it all the way to work before I realized I had forgotten my truck.
THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911.. AND 9/11
I want to be a brick layer, I'm shittin bricks left and right.haha
Why couldn't the penguin turn around in the phone booth? Because it had a spear through it's head.
I'm with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don't find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can't believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
i don't know how to flirt so i am just going to stare at you until you marry me
Germany really put a whoopin on Brazil today... But it's still not as bad as when they beat Israel 6,000,000-0
The guy installing the new security system said we should upgrade because of the increasing crime rate. Typical alarmist.
What is the greatest part about women's hockey? Their pads last for three periods
If you had a donkey and it bit off my rooster's legs, what do you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
Her: is the game almost over? Me: this is just the first half Her: uggghh how many more halves are there? Me: you're pretty
How do you fit 10 lbs of shit into a 5 lb sack? The same way you take the F out of 'way'
Theodore Roosevelt had sage words for men needing dating advice. Speak softly and have a big dick.
My grandpa has a heart of a lion... ... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
AY LMAO's in a bar. Two aliens are sitting in a pub. One of them turns to the other and says, plububulaBBHAJGGIUI@@#GJKG?' The other one replies, Dude, you are seriously shitfaced.'
5-year-old: Why don't we say Grace? Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Some elements walk into a bar... Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfer, sodium, and phosphorus all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "OH SNaP!"
Where did Hitler watch TV? In his *Lebensraum.*
Quitting the gym because it's easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
What do you call it when you have sex to Scott Joplin music? A maple leaf shag!
I'd just like to thank my English teacher for defining the word Many' for me. It means a lot.
A few days ago I went to a zoo and the only animal they had was a dog, so I left and went to Starbucks for a coffee... It was a shit coffee
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they're all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering ? A. The spider -- It has its own website.
The only downside to buying diamonds is that you could have bought thousands of tacos instead.
One out of three men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest of us just don't think it's a problem
Why is it so hard to breakup with Japanese girls? You have to drop the bomb twice
Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team? ...because everyone who can run, jump or swim has already crossed the border
XM radio suddenly went to the hospital It's in Sirius condition.
There is one type of person in this world... The type who half understands statistics.
Just laminated my dad.
My wife told me she thinks men in camouflage look sexy... I just can't see it.
in response to u/alexsings, What 6 letter word has a n, i, g, g, e and ends in an r that's used to describe a certain group of people... ...ginger... ...you racist fuck!
You know why T-Rex can't clap his hands? Because he's dead.
Why was the new Mexican sad? He was out of meth. Why was the old Mexican sad? All his friends are dead.
I robbed a cookery shop last night... to make it big you've got to take some whisks.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Africans would remember this Ebola
u can't pet a goldfish without taking it out of the water & even then it's not that satisfying for either party
Woman runs into a police station shouting, "Help! I've been graped!" Policeman responds with, "Don't you mean RAPED?" Woman replies, "No - there was a whole bunch of 'em!"
gonna start my first youtube channel and post my first youtube video and the first thing i will say is "hi sorry i haven't posted in awhile"
Tiger Woods Playing Golf
Cool name for god = "head writer of The Weather Channel"
Mimosa's The morning after pill for an alcoholic's hangover.
Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.
I'm giving up my husband for Lent.
I couldn't find my credit card this morning. Someone must have swiped it. I'm sorry.
"Give it to me!" she yelled "I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me now!" ... She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella.
I PISSED OFF MY NEIGHBOR ONCE AGAIN!!! She said she could see me masturbating through the window.. I told her if she would buy some blinds, I wouldn't be standing outside her window.
What do you use when you have dry eyes? Moist-your-eyes-er
Republicans didn't protest when Obama was elected... Because they had to go to work.
Did you hear about the guy who brought a ladder to the bar? He heard beer was on the house
What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS? They both hate the French press
did you hear about the rock and roll fishmonger? they sell skate, mackerel and roe.
I've got the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.
It's perfectly fine to offer raisins to a guest (if nuclear winter is upon us & you're living in an underground bunker)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his cheeks Both of them
[drive-thru at 2am] Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah! Neighbor's mailbox: ...
I have really bad hearing & thought he said "I love turds" but he said "nerds" & now I don't know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
What do you a call girl with a saggy vagina shaking her booty? Beef twerky.
Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.
adulthood is just eating a taco where the toppings keep falling out and then death
Did you know there is a species of deer that can jump higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house cannot jump.
What do you tell the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he picks up a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais.
My friend asked if I knew what kind of sweater he was wearing. I said I had no idea, he said "Guess." "Hollister?" "No. Guess." "North face?" "No... Guess" I sill don't know.
Did it hurt when you fell from a lab where science is studied which has rendered religion obsolete? (Atheist pick-up line)
What was Hitler's favorite animal? *Nnnnnnnnnnnnnneeiiiinnnnnnnnn*
Why did the radiologist break up with the gold digger? Because he saw right through her.
Cashier at McDonalds said "See you later" a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The Minnesota Twins have just signed Adrian Peterson to a 3 year deal. More details to come. All we know is Adrian will be a switch hitter.
Neighbor's kid just asked me 2 fix his computer. I was gonna tell him 2 come back tomorrow but I saw the look of "I need porn" in his eyes.
Why can't gays get auto insurance? Because they're always rear-ending each other!
Why does Windows 10 say "Hello"? Because my PC is a Dell. (please don't hurt me it's my first post on r/Jokes omg)
What's a neckbeard's favourite disease? M'laria.
Why do so many girls do archaeology degrees? Because they love digging up the past.
I texted my girlfriend "goodnight, love you" but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
A percussionist tells his fellow percussionists some puns His group laughs at every pun he makes. He asks a friend: Hey, are my puns a tenor what?
What did Father Buffalo say to Child Buffalo as he left for school? Bison.
Build a man a fire, and you'll keep him warm for a night. Light a man on fire, and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.
What does a mobster buried in cement eventually become? A hardened criminal.
What type of objects do not accelerate, regardless of the force applied? Letterhead and envelopes. No matter how hard you try, they remain stationery!
I once applied for a job to work as a blacksmith.... The blacksmith asked me if I'd ever shooed a horse. I said "no, but I once told a donkey to piss off."
Winnie the Pooh band-aids may look cute but are useless on stab wounds.
Food products made from real ingredients, unlike margarine, are whey butter.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
So two men walk into a bar... Which is weird. You'd think the second one would have noticed it!
What do Justin Timberlake and Theon Greyjoy have in common? A dick in a box
Excuse me but I didn't order Hamlet I ordered an omlet
Pretty cool that the letters "B.J." stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver? A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
What is an elephants favourite film ? Elephantasia
When Wall-E first came out I was like "'what a profound statement" and now, a few years older, I'm like "gimme one of those sick chairs."
Why does Saudi Arabia import so many camels from Australia? They've got to get their 72 virgins *somewhere*
So there was a kidnapping in one of the local schools Teacher woke him up though.
What's 18 inches long and never gets used? Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.
I've never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that's running 30 minutes over time.
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? You don't cry when you cut up a hooker.
Here's a good one The 2016 political race.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has " P " no. of lives.
Q. What do you call a Mexican vegan? A. No Whey Jose
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the toilet? Because the P is silent!
What do Nascar and a Kinko's dumpster have in common? They're both filled with white trash. -&amp;y
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the toilet? Because the P is silent.
The most misogynistic joke you will ever hear Why did the motorcyclist get charged for manslaughter when he killed his wife? Because he was drunk and never meant to ride in the kitchen.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gag
The Student Special Okay, so my friend and I went into a Chinese restaurant for lunch. They have student specials labled as K1, K2, K3, and K4. He walks up and asks for a K9.
When a cow laughs..... does milk come out of her nose?
Roommates Roommate 1: "You think I'm nosy, don't you?!" Roommate 2: "No, not at all!" Roommate 1: "Then why'd you write that in your diary?!"
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, "who emptied the dishwasher?!"
Turning 40 When my best friend turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40. 2 months later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra... Not my joke, but made me laugh.
What is the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore will have sex with anybody, a bitch will have sex with anybody except you.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A: A pachydermatologist.
Me and my German girlfriend like to rate our sex on a one to ten scale while having sex. So last night we were having sex and we tried anal. The whole time she was yelling out nine!
*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge* *Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit* *Buys $80 worth of donuts*
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your cock into a girls mouth. -the daily show
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking "Have you seen my cat?" So I called the number and said that I didn't. I like to help people.
*Boss approaches desk* "What the fu.." Me, wearing paper clip necklace - "See? I knew you'd be mad so I made you one too"
Like my grandma always says... put more booze in the mashed potatoes
What's an epileptic persons favorite appetizer? Seizure Salad.
Don't force funny huh? Well, I have funny tied to a chair in my basement and...unless we become fast friends... ...he's losing a knee cap.
If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns Go for the juggler
by far the worst part of becoming an adult is realizing that at no point do you simply obtain all the answers. you just fucking guess.
Take your height in centimeters and multiply it by the number of people from whom you have received oral sex. There's your credit score.
You're pretty cocky for someone with such a small... ....vocabulary.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the Fresh Prints!
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
What is the last thing on a Mosquito's mind when it hits a car windshield? It's Asshole.
Why do skeletons have so many kids? Because all they can do is bone.
What do you call drawings of dog poop that don't have outlines? Dog turds without borders
south park buzz bazinga punk!
Why are glasses required to do math? because you need it for davision
YO MAMAS SO FAT WHEN SHE WEARS A RED DRESS ALL THE KIDS SCREAM LOOK ITS THE KOOLAID MAN y
I've often wondered, how do devout Christians handle being raped? Y'know, with that whole "turn the other cheek" thing?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don't want to do.
My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell "ARF, ARF" like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth
A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, "Do you have any colored printers?" To which the clerk responds, "It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want."
So my dad has already spent +$300 on coffee this month. That must have Costa lot.
What did the Nazi boy say to his sweetheart? I reich you.
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep? It's baaad...
You're not able to watch porn on the iPhone7.. Yeah, they took the jack off.
What are the four most common types of states of matter? Solid, gas, liquid and Black Lives.
What's an Impressionist's favorite condiment? Manet's.
Why are most Hotwheel cars Ford? So people can grow up getting used to pushing a Ford.
[Siri Beta] What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A mars-upial
What do you call a gay fascist leader? A Dicktaker
What do you call a holy man who works at McDonald's? A Friar
What do you call a cow with no legs? My severely diabetic sister.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Did you guys hear about that circus fire? It was in tents
I'll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
What's 7-1? A national disappointment.
What gets larger every time I see my Girlfriend? My credit card bill.
what do you call the space between kim kardashian's breasts? silicon valley
(re-post) Why does beyonce sing "to the left, to the left" Because women have no rights.
You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Ariel was a minor and couldn't sign a legally binding contract. You'd think the king of the ocean's lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Q: Why was the willow weeping? A: He was unpoplar.
What's the difference between a girl's track team and a village of pygmies? One's a bunch of cunning runts.....
What do you hear if you hold a kebap to your ear? The silence of the lambs
How do you make Manischewitz Wine? Kick him in the nuts.
Why do milking stools only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder
Wanna hear a word i made up? Plagiarism
Aw, crap, I just ate a silica gel pack. Why didn't I take seriously the "Do Not Eat" warning on it? It just looked so effin' delicious.
What did the lucky butter say? I'm on a roll!
If you leave me a voicemail, congratulations. You've just given me the gift of anxiety.
[on date] ME: I like my women like I like my wine WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink? ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
What do you call one bunch of woodland creatures complimenting another bunch of woodland creatures over their newly formed religion? Constructive Critter Schism
GPS: turn left onto High Street Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
What is Wilford Brimley's favorite band? The Beatis.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex It backfired... :(
What did the children with no arms and legs get for Christmas? Cancer
People are always asking me why I named my pet newt 'Tiny' It's because he's my newt. ^minute ^^means ^^^small
What do you call an octopus that loves jokes? A knock-knocktopus.
A photographer shot his subject with a Canon. She was blown away.
No one in the Star Trek universe knows how to tie a neck tie. They're all use to Klingons.
Wanna hear a Bill Cosby joke? Drink this first.
Q. Why do blondes have more fun? A. They are easier to keep amused.
An eskimo was showing another eskimo pictures of his house... ... The other eskimo said "That's an ice picture!".
What do you call a blue-eyed blonde that doesn't eat meat? A vegetaryan
My girlfriend likes it in the ear... because everytime I try to put it in her mouth she turns her head.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
How did the hipster burn his mouth? HE drank coffee before it was cool, man
What do you call a man with no will to live? Willis.
Why did the Wright brothers turn their aircraft 90 degrees west when their dad walked in the cockpit? because three Wrights make a left.
What do you get when you mix Fascism and Communism? I don't know, that's why I was asking you.
If I had a dollar for every joke I've recycled I would have a lot since this is a popular style of joke
What's in a Paul Walker shot ? An Irish car bomb followed by a shot of Fireball
What did the termite say to the chair? .... It was nice knawing you.
"I don't think so", said Rene Descartes Just then he vanished.
Step 1  Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2  Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Doctor said I had kidney failure. I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."
Making plans with a stoner is like having sex with a prostitute... ...They tell you they're coming, but you know it's a lie.
Do you know the meaning "Happy wife, happy life"? I tend to go with "Happy wife, extended life."
What did the leper say to the prostitute? you can keep the tip.
2 peanuts are walking in the park. One is assaulted.
What's your best Michael Jackson is dead joke?
Do scarecrows really work? No, but because they don't register for benefits, they don't count as unemployed either.
What did one Jersey girl's leg say to the other? Nothing - they've never met.
Honest ads - 'Hot singles in your area want to be just friends'. 'Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother'.
Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.
Why would John Wilkes Booth kill Abraham Lincoln? You would too if the guy in front of you at the Theatre was wearing a Top Hat!
What do you call the Mother Superior of a corrupt convent? Nun the Wiser
Who was the largest knight at the Round Table? Sir Cumference. Why was he so fat? He ate too much pie.
4% battery left on my iPhone. The music that plays when Sonic the Hedgehog is drowning is playing in my head.
Did you hear about the camper who refused to wake up? He was intent on sleeping in.
Do you know why lions eat raw meat? Because lions don't know how to cook.
A blind man walks into a fish market and says..... "Hello, ladies."
I went on a date with a server... It went down on the first date. Not sure if repost, just a really funny joke I just heard.
How do you catch an elephant? You dig a big hole, fill it with ash, and put peas around the outside of the hole. When the elephant comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
How high are you? Cop  How high are you? Me  No, you are wrong. Its Hi, how are you?
Why did the Spy cross the road? 'Cause he wasn't really on your side.
Why are the steaks so high? Because the pot was calling the cattle back and the cows went back to the marijuana field.
Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference
putting 'official' in your username to let all of your 37 followers know it's the real you
What do you call a British midget mother who can barely support her family? Mini-Mum
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
The apostles fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane while Jesus was praying. Noticing that they fell asleep, Jesus woke up St. Peter. "Huh? What? Oh, sorry, Lord, I forgot the coffee!"
I used to be into sadism, bestiality, and necrophilia... ... until I realized I was beating a dead horse.
An Eskimo is holidaying in New Zealand.. His car breaks down. A Kiwi stops to help, opens the bonnet, and says "Bro, you've blown a seal" To which the Eskimo responds "so what mate, you fuck sheep!"
Q:What is the only NFL team whose players have undergone a sex change operation? A: the Ben-gals
Cannibal and Girlfriend What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe his ass.
What did Jay-Z call Knowles before getting married? his biancee
What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch? Namaste
What does Hitler say when he gets a charlie horse? *Mein Krampf!*
Deep sleep prevents aging. Especially when you are driving.
Remember alcohol is NEVER the answer. "Why can't I get it up?" Okay, sometimes alcohol is the answer.
What's the Russian word for water? Vodka
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a toad ? A croaksman !
I've invented a new word. Plagerism http://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2oy5fe/i_made_up_a_new_word/
What's black and blue all over and hates sex? The five year old in my trunk.
With the announcement of Pence as Trump's running mate, it reminds me of a man running. With a dick out in front, and an asshole behind him.
Ms. Pac-Man should only cost 70% of a quarter per play
Why does Barack Obama eat bananas? Because they are popular, inexpensive, and a good source of potassium.
When Arwen and Aragorn got married... was Frodo designated to be the Ring bearer? *edit Thanks Kikifoun_Unui... not my main language T_T
Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew? Pizzas dont scream when you put them in the oven...
What makes a little bit of sense, but you'll never understand? Hobos
Why did hitler kill himself? Because he saw his gas bill
Did you hear the one they don't tell retards? NO? Oh well never mind then.
You shouldn't kiss anyone on January 1st It's only the first date.
Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I'm convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.
I'm torn between having wish you were here' or look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
"This work simply does not deserve an A," my teacher said, berating me.
Why does Bear Grylls love Bud Light? It's sterile and he likes the taste.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn't disappoint.
I drink Rockstar cause I'm a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids? Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ? He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.
Here is the best joke ever Donald Trump
Please take selfies. There are enough pictures of sunsets and airplane wings. Your face is more interesting.
[boxing match] ANNOUNCER: ...and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy "The Baby" Sanchez CHAMP: That's a real baby TRAINER: You got this
"Selfie" has come to mean any photo of a person. At this rate, it will be the only word in the English language in 2023, meaning everything.
Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable... Who cares if you can see my balls?
The iPad Air is named after what's left in your bank account when you buy one.
The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
I went camping last week... And oh boy, it was in tents.
Women who are short are called "petite." What are short men called? Friends.
Why is it so important to fruits to get married? Because they cantaloupe.
What type of Bees provide millk? Boobees (boobies)
This is the funniest joke you'll ever read, I promise! [removed]
Best book quotes out of context Touching the void: 'Fuck me, it's enormous!'
ER Dr: What are you doing? Me: I'm decorating. ER Dr: Why? Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Why did the dolphin run away from home to start a new life? He felt he had lost his sense of porpoise.
If Terminator had a horse, what would its name be? Termineightor I'll show myself out...
me: better check my phone for texts from friends me: *checks phone* me: better get some friends
Prostitute+McDonalds Going to Mc'Donalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Why don't North Koreans like jazz music? Because they don't have Seoul.
apparently some people have been using wind to take the leaves from my frontyard and put them other places. they are still mine regardles
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area *refresh page* Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y.. "no dont leave" *refresh page* Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Did you hear about the kidnapping at Walmart? ...it's ok, he woke up.
"Single and ready to Pringle." - my Friday nights :(
Why did a Mexican man throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila.
Dark Joke from my sister when she was 6. Her: How did the dead baby get across the road? Me: How? Her: It was stapled to the chicken. Me: .....
Mike's dad has three sons.. Snap Crackle and...? Mike
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a lentil on my face.
Chuck Norris doesn't count his chicken before they hatch. He cracks them and eats them.
What kind of fabric does Mario use? Denim denim denim.
You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.
I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy said, "Are you gonna put it up yourself?" I said, "No, I was thinking the living room."
Yesterday, my computer science teacher was teaching us about for-loops... ... he said it was a *for n* concept.
Me: Hey, can I have an Iphone 7 please? Apple guy: Possibly... What's your name? Me: Jack Apple guy: Sorry, no jacks.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just announced he's giving up the limelight to go back to his first love, pest control. He's an ex-terminator now.
Open your eyes, people! The Three Little Pigs was written by bricklayers.
What's an 80 year old pussy smell like? Depends!
What cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone!
What do you call a gay person from Wisconsin? A Dairy Queen
A man with Schizophrenia says: "I used to be Schizophrenic... but now we're better."
The Pope just changed his relationship status to It's Complicated...
What's the difference between a good Samaritan and a Jew? A good Samaritan means well, whereas a Jew is just well, mean.
Seems weird that evolution produced the female gender just to spend their time shopping at Target and returning what they bought at Target.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos!!
Whoa! I just looked it up and all teachers below 5th grade are actually required by federal law to use Comic Sans.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Two Hydrogens walk into a bar and spot an Oxygen Feeling adventurous, they approach her and ask "Hey baby, can we interest you in a waterway?"
Why does Gordon Ramsay always use a condom? Because he should not be FUCKING RAAWWW!!
What do you get when you cross Tom Cruise with nails? A cruiseifixion.
My Doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. Apparently it was making it difficult to complete the exam.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see his girlfriend on the other side, but then he got taken by McDonalds and crushed for chicken nuggets.
I'm already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today.
Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails? You can say she has a bad habit.
What is the name of that disgusting, hairy and mostly useless piece of flesh that dangles around the vagina? Your mom.
An old black man goes to his vasectomy wearing a tuxedo... ...his doctor asks him "Why are you wearing a tuxedo?" The man responds "If I'm going to be im-po-tant, I want to look im-po-tant!"
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? None
What are some good clean jokes to be used at a grade 8 farewell dinner?
What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison? They both turn "o" into "O".
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Did you hear about the Irishman that was attacked by a carpenter? I heard he was hammered
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!
For what reason was six afraid of seven? Six knew, that all but for him, seven would have won.
Tonight's bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
How can you tell when a man pumping gas is a male porn star? Right before the gas stops pumping, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. Why? What happened at 8.30?'
A man is like a spider.... when he is on the web, he is bound to get his hands sticky....
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Why is Edward still in Russia? Because he is Snowd*en*
You know what they say about men with big feet... They have massive socks.
What did the cancerous contractor say to his apprentice? Avoid the insulation asbestos you can.
I passed out on the steps of a synagogue... And woke up in the morning with a heavy Jew on me.
I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.
How did the Haji find the goat in the tall grass? Satisfying
There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce 
At least there's one other woman who's more wasted than me in this emergency room. No, my mistake, she's got dementia.
This is how bad immigration is getting. I walked into my local corner shop wondering if I could pay by my card and all I said was "Visa?" The fucking twat ran off!
Who is Vietnam's greatest superhero? Vietman.
A man walked into a bar He's gay now
What do you get if you breed a Green Lantern, a car and an atheist? Willing suspension of disbelief
Did you hear about the straight white male viscount who ruled with an iron fist over one field? He was an oppressive shitlord.
When I worked for the USPS a number of years ago I found the work to be slightly monotonous. It really helped me work on my delivery though.
"I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT" - Guy who named the sweater.
*in an interview* Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job. Applicant: 5-7PM po. Me: Applicant: 8PM. Me:
My friend told me a bad joke he got from the internet... I asked him where he reddit.
What did the brown dwarf say to the bartender? I'd like a Corona, please.
My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!" and hung up. Should make him wonder a lil bit.
You don't hear much about Snow White's eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Why was Jesus a virgin when he died? Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of their dog!
Do you know why Petyr's last name is Baelish? Because he is the liege of Baes. ^I'll ^see ^^myself ^^out.
Dwayne Johnson's new television show on the food network Can you cook what The Rock is smelling?
Optimists see a glass that's half full Pessimists see a glass that's half empty Engineers see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be
What did the farmer say when the townspeople told him all of his cows were in town..? I herd.
Why did the black guy get mad at the pirate? He dropped the hard 'arrrrrr.'
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cause Jill's a goddam tranny!
Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking  through the campus. "Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?" "Yes!" "For the  whole basketball team?"
My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up... So I just packed my bags and right...
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I learnt that Mel Gibson was born in Australia Well I guess you could say he was from... -puts on glasses- MELBOURNE
The difference between Julius Caesar and a Rapist? Caesar came, saw, and conquered, a rapist saw, conquered and came.
I woke up the other day and had really bad bed head. Never called her again.
Why do professional boxers not have sex the night before a big fight? Because they don't like each other very much.
My wife and I have lost 150 lbs combined!!! The search team are taking longer than expected to get her body back from the river though.
What do you call a cannibal who only eats comatose people? A vegetarian.
My grandmother always wanted to be in a gated community So that's why I chose to have her buried at the cemetery when she died.
Gay Sex How much cum does a gay man have? A buttload.
NutFlick and Chill
Q: Why is it so easy to make plans with a gymnast? A: Because their schedules are so flexible.
It doesn't matter how hard I try, I just don't seem to be going anywhere in life Hamster therapist: Sounds like you're in a vicious circle
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty.
What joke did drake get when talking to diddy? The punchline
What is the definision of mixed feelings? When your wife says that you have the largest in your street.
Do you know what the difference is between a straight man mustache and a gay man mustache? The smell
What's black on the outside and white on the inside? Whitney Houston's nose
I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth I never realized just how much blood I was eating
I would tell you a devilish joke about getting wet but I wouldn't want to damn-pun your mood.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every Iinternet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
The police arrested a prostitute in my neighborhood. She was so startled. I guess you could say she was caught with her pants down
What do you call a Spaniard kissing a door? A Conquistador!
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough. Model: Are you a starving artist? Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WATAAAAAAAAAR
I tried going outside today as a gamer Holy shit 4K RES and 120 FPS. Best quality ever. 10/10 will play again.
My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee'd in their pants
"My wife is such a racist... she won't let me date black girls." -Andy Breckman
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if your name was bblamdiffergmunmnumblldpbdb.
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? tennish
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like "I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively."
Tooth sale Two buck teeth for 1$ buck
Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog ? He was dense and wet !
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
What do you call two physicians? Paradox.
My friend just sent me this one. &gt; To the person who stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you! &gt; You have my Word!
Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber
What do women and fly wire have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.
I ate a hermaphrodite lunch today... I had both a Ding Dong and a Yoohoo.
My daughter has reached that age where she's asking embarrassing questions about sex Just this morning she said, "Daddy, is that the best that you can do?"
What do you call alternative medicine that works? Medicine.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I slept with a slut that liked to twist words... I forget her name, so I just refer to her as "Whorenadoe"
A new remake of Titanic features Bruce Willis. Bruce saves everyone.
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a French girl? You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
I like my black people like I like my coffee I don't like coffee.
I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list. Turns out he's an odd job man.
[travels back in time] [accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
That which does not kill me has been everything so far.
What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice? Jesus
I ate something evil and it's killing me... I don't know whether to get an ex-lax or an exorcist
My cat scratched me for trapping her under the blankets as I made the bed... I guess she's clawstrophobic.
What's a good pickup line in a New Age bar? I bet it's really nice to be Enya.
I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds Only 30 more to go and I'm there!
Where does Trump buy the bricks for the Mexican border? At Wallmart i'll show myself the way out
Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.
Why does flint never get any likes on their Instagram pictures? Cause they don't use a filter.
What did the photocopier say about its favorite purchased song? That's my pay-per jam.
.@Schwarzenegger I just wanted to let you know that every single article I've ever read about you spells "Australia" wrong. G'day mate!
What is the most well-known joke of Heni Patel, the famous comedian from the sub-continent? "Take my wife ... if you would be so kind!"
If you're clever, what do you call a german waffle house? Luftwaffle!
Universities are like priests They will teach you a few things, and then take you into the back room to fuck you.
Hey, want to hear a rape joke? No? Too bad.
I went to the zoo today and all they had was a dog... It was a Shih Tzu.
What pick-up line works 100% of the time? Does this smell like chloroform to you?
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Why couldn't the salad bowl play Scrabble? It had run out of lettuce
A man bets his wife she can't tell him something that will make him happy and sad at the same time. "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends" replies the wife.
Book nerds all be like.. 420 blaze it? More like, 451 BLAZE IT! .... On second thoughts, this is probably why I have no friends
What do you call all of Trump's failed businesses arranged in a circle? Orange
What do you call Protestants who want to save a dime? Econoclasts.
Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon but  they left after a few minutes ? You see it had no atmosphere !
If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? You're peein'
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops] LOOK IT'S A WESTERN MUSICAL [Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON- [Cat runs off] Meow!
strange love! Muhammad Ali said that he loved human beings but every time he beat the shit out of every human in the ring. I guess love finds many ways to express itself.
Security signs that begin with "For your protection..." essentially end with "...we will restrict freedoms & invade privacy"
[7am] *drinks 19 cups of coffee for work *can't stay awake [9pm] *takes a sip of coffee [2am] I should vacuum the dog
I get bummed out when I end up being on time but I'd worked up a really solid "why I'm late" story.
CASHIER: 300. ME: Ha, like the movie. CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld. ME: Ha, like the comedian. CASHIER: ... ME: Ha, like a mime...
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I don't get sports lingo. It's always offsides this, penalty that, murder this, sexual assault that.
Ahhh.......I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My daughter reached that age where they start asking embarrassing questions about sex The last one was "is that all you got?"
*feminist at thanksgiving dinner* "dad will u use your white privilege to pass the salt"
What kind of karate do Rabbis know? Jew Jitsu.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
What do monsters play when they are in the bus?  Squash.
The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
How can you tell if a Redditor is a female? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Why doesn't George R.R Martin use Twitter? Because he killed off all 140 characters.
"Will you marry me?" "The cookie was poison" "The lotto numbers will never win" Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies
A new ISIS cell has been discovered in Italy They will be called Italian ices
I wish there were a way to find hot singles in my area.
*gets shot* "Lassie im hurt, quick get pa" *Lassie gives me her paw* "lol i see what you did there girl" *we both laugh as i bleed out*
Why can't the T-rex do any push ups? Small arms? No it's because dinosaurs are extinct you dumbass.
What is brown and screams? Stevie Wonder when he answers the iron.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her I wanted to film a sex tape. I was surprised when she agreed but now it's awkward because she thought I meant with her.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Guess who I bumped into at the opticians? Everybody
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself. It's okay, I've had it coming for some time now.
When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.
Police are looking for a man who refuses to update his PDF reader. He is described as 32, single and has no fixed adobe.
A thief broke into my house, looking for money I got up and did the same thing.
I just bought my first girlfriend online I got her off E-Bae
The John Birch Society wants American schools to ban protractors. Because a protractor marks angles.
Have you heard about the corporation that controls all the world's cheese? The hallouminatti.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I saw two blind people on campus today One of them walks by the same spot every day at 1:20. I've never seen the other one before. I don't think she's seen me either... or ever will.
"I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription" "Sir, those are kids" "Gimme two"
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess I should have put the oven on aloha setting...
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Her: Oh, please... You'll make a pass at anything in a skirt. Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
As I dropped my child off at school today I said, be positive If the race war starts before I get back, that's your blood type
There's a fine line Between a numerator and a denominator.
Yo mama so fat, the sorting hat placed her in the house of pancakes.
I usually like to go fishing... Just for the halibut
If the letters fall off your company's logo... ...maybe it's a bad sign.
Did you hear about the article in Psychology Today about disproving the existence of Observation Bias? The head researcher was quoted as saying "it turned out to be just as we expected".
Two snakes walk into a bar. Turns out they were lizards.
People from the food stamp office came by today to inspect our store I hope they didn't make any SNAP judgments
[first date] Me: that is hilarious Date: ... Me: wait, bread or dead? Date: how would my parents be bread?
Lifehack: Make sure you give your child a normal name Me: are you still mad your parents named you "lifehack"?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
One day I talked to a girl who has a lisping problem "How long can you hold your breath?" . . . I left the room with a black eye.
My Girlfriend told me that if I bought her any more stupid gifts, she would burn it! So I bought her a candle!
"There are no dumb questions" is truly the perfect trap for making dumb people reveal themselves.
Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt? So they would end up with seasoned veterans.
Don't include me in your "baby name suggestions" group text if you're going to ignore my ideas. Pubert is a lovely name for a boy or a girl.
My friend Jay is going to name his newborn son "K" When I asked him why, he said he wanted to name him after himself.
I'll finish this joke when my dad gets back buying cigarets
If I ever got into the plastic surgery business I would call my company "Breast Buy".
What's the difference between a voyeur and a thief? A thief snatches your watch.
Hey girl, do you ever go to the gym? 'Cause if you don't we probably won't work out.
Why are Toblerone's triangular shaped? So they fit in the box.
I keep forgetting  which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?
Where did Javon get his earrings? Ja Mall
I was feeling depressed. . I was feeling depressed so I went to the doctor to get a blood test. A week later he called me back with the results and said B positive, it's in your blood.
A group of crows plan a meet up... it was a premeditated murder.
When is there two Ds in "her?" http://imgur.com/Rmc4pha
What branch of the military are horses in? The NaaaaayyyVY
Meanwhile, at the bar: Batman: "Whisky." Aquaman: "Appletini." "WHAT?" "It's vodka, apple schnapps..." "You're off the Justice League."
Her: you take nice selfies Me: so I'm vain Her: no you're photogenic Me: oh so I'm ugly in real life Her: just say thanks Me: oh so I'm rude
I hate when girls say, "you probably say that to every girl." don't you use the same resume when applying to different jobs?
My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus? A platybus!
How many grains of sand are there in the world? As many as 27. I'm referring to the number of times good ol' 27 was reposted.
My house is so trashed that Whitney Houston just dropped by in her 1988 Ford Escort & gave me a high five & then she asked me for ten bucks.
there should be drug education for future nerds covering topics like "chill out. take a drink" & "don't be the D.D. for people who hate you"
Me Chinese, me play joke... Me take drone, return it broke.
To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
How will Donald Trump decide which ones to deport? By separating the good Juans from the bad Juans!
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !
If "Cops" has taught me anything it's to stay away from people with blurry faces, they're nothing but trouble...
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just beat the room for being black.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I freak out when i don't see the L and R marks on headphones. There's no way I'm taking that risk.
Why was the tank top more gangster than the tube top? The tube top was strapless.
People who write "loosing" when they mean "losing" need to get loost.
Just helped a girl give birth... OP delivered.
Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.
How do you make an octopus laugh? Give it ten tickles!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants the bartender asks "doesn't that thing annoy you?" The pirate says "arr, it's driving me nuts"
A man sends ten puns to a friend in an effort to make him laugh. Alas, no pun in ten did.
I got a puppy for my daughter... Good swap if you ask me.
What do Kim Jong-un and a penis shaped potato have in common? One is a dictator, the other is a dick-tater.
Why did the lettuce get arrested? ...for disturbing the peas!
What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...
Photo Of The Day:- No Matter How Smart You Are, You Will Fall For This (See Photo)
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Witch Doctor Barbie ...with potions and face paints
What did Mike Meyers say to Eddie Murphy after Eddie bought him a brand new Mercedes? "DANKE!"
My physics teacher said i have potential and then pushed me down the stairs
*watching The Revenant* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* Him: What are you doing? Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Knock. Knock. Oh. Hang on a minute..... I haven't thought this through..
I can row a boat. Canoe?
How is your golf game? Eh... It's sub-par.
I like my women how I like my math problems: Short, easy, and with no imaginary parts.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs... ... sitting at your door? Matt. ...floating in your pool? Bob. ...hanging on your wall? Art. ... water skiing? Skipper.
I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.
I had 2 big surprises today. The first one was that the Thai massage centre at the bottom of my road is actually a brothel...
What did the ill kitty say to the playful puppy? "Not right meow, I have a headache."
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? a pilot, you racist
If there's something strange, in your neighborhood, Who ya gonna call? GEORGE ZIMMERMAN
Whats the difference between a woman and a computer? A woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies
What is your favorite "There are two kinds of people..." joke? My favorite is "There are two kinds of people...those who cheat at 7-up, and god damned liars."
Last night I dreamed I was eating a pillow When I woke up, my 10 pound marshmallow was gone.
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pumpkin
Your mom is like the Liberty Bell ............ Everyone gets to feel her crack !
What's the difference between an Aboriginal and a park bench? ~~A park bench can support a a family~~ One you sit on and the other is a park bench.
My girlfriend said, "Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?" I said, "Yeah, definitely. Let's call your mum and tell her you've died."
What did the gay guy with Alzheimer's ask his partner? Where did I drop the soap?
At what age is it acceptable to tell a highway it's adopted?
Whoever drew the food pyramid forgot to coat the outside in Ranch dressing.
If a tree falls in the woods It won't make a sound because it has been copyright claimed by Warner Music Group.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed... like my name, phone number, address, etc.
Why don't hypochondriacs... Why don't hypochondriacs use lighters? They're afraid of catching fire!
Clean - What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car man :) - Classic!
How is a hailstone like an onion?  -They are both whitish and have layers
What kind of people like Scottie's hair? Chubby 7th grade girls!
What do you call an old soldier who has been sprinkled in salt and pepper? A seasoned veteran.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Why did the gay man vote for Trump? He was the biggest dick in the race.
No wonder Satan hates humanity... We draw him as the ugliest goat alive
A guy at work lost his thumb and had to replace it with his big toe. (True Story) Now we ask to get "your foot off the table" when he's eating.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot's asleep
Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race.
"Rolls Royce" is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
What are the chemicals in a midget's body that make them happy? En-dwarf-ins
Looks like we set back the clock twice this week... First on Sunday, then on election night.
How did the butcher introduce his wife? 'Meet Patty!'
I doubt vodka has all the answers But it's worth a shot.
How does Norman Bates get to the Bates Motel? He takes the psycho path! (I'll see myself out...)
What is Anon's favorite coding language? Fortran
I barely slept last night; I kept dreaming about mufflers. I'm exhausted.
Where do lightbulbs die? Offswitch.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang a picture! Happy Easter!
I don't like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.
"HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?"
What do you call a cow stable in Egypt? A Mubarack
Policeman: Why did you crash into that stop sign? Motorist: I was only following orders.
Nothing says "I m not interested" quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use "ur" because ur a retard.
Alcoholics don't run in my family... They stumble everywhere.
One time I won a raffle in England, turns out it was for knighthood. Boy was I Sir prized
Things You Will Never See In A Fortune Cookie
Love yourself. But, not in public. That's illegal.
Why did the console player cross the road? To render the other side.
What do you call two bees at the seaside? A B&amp;B
Why did Kyle Crane have to change the lightbulb? because he had a dying light
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
What do you call a surfer who loves Muhammad? A radicalized Muslim braaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
There's nothing worse than child abuse but a close second is when someone describes an actor's performance as "courageous."
Who's the friendliest person at the hospital? The ultra sound guy.
Joke What did the cup say to the mop
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
What do black men hear most after sex? Back to your cell, inmate.
"Nice to meet you," she said, meeting me for the third time
Courtesy of my 8-year-old : Knock knock Who's there Europe Europe who? No, you're a poo!
I was driving around in my tricycle all day I worked it so hard, it lost a wheel. The tricycle is two tired now.
My girlfriend complained about me moving on too fast.
What do you call two turds getting intimate in heaven? Holy Fucking Shit.
For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.
What kind of candy is Hitler? A Jew-breaker!
What if Titanic was real and not just a movie? Crazy to think about
Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side
Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet.
I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"
Starbucks bathrooms are EXCLUSIVELY for terrible diarrhea, right?
There is one great thing about cancer It does a fantastic job of getting rid of those weird hairless kids.
The oldest joke I know A girl with no arms or legs was sad on the beach. A man walked up and asked what was wrong. She said she'd never been fucked. He threw her in the water and said, "Now ur fucked"
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan.
When does a black person become a nigger? As soon as he leaves the room.
I was driving through a woodland area the other day and accidentally hit a stag It really spoiled the wedding
I'm allowed to make racist jokes because my Mother in Law is Korean And she love me long time
How did the hipster burn their lips? They ate the pizza before it was cool
Who is the second coolest doctor in the hospital The hip replacement guy
What do you call a Russian ninja? Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)
Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble! Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble CW: What was that? Me: You too
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
What did one cow say to the other? Just the udder day!
Cop: "You been drinkin?" Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny "You're free to go.." Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?
Twitter should have " Throwing tomato" button.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it "Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!" And then run head first through the screen.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, handicapped kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
Don't you hate jokes about German sausage? They're the wurst!
With my luck, I could jump in a barrel full of titties.... ...and come out sucking my thumb.
With his comedy career basically ruined, Bill Cosby can finally pursue another dream of his... ...coaching at Penn State
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
A Mexican Magician... ...told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three. He began counting "Uno, dos..." And he disappeared without a tres.
Missed Connection: You were attractive. I awkwardly overreacted to your presence.
Nobody thinks my march madness bracket will win I just can't see why people would dismiss a team that beat professional organizations last year. I say Golden State all the way.
I, for one, like Roman Numerals
What do you say to someone who studied media at university? Can I have fries with that please?
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests? Dj: Yes. M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My Thai girlfriend is so generous She gave me a pearl necklace.
what's the difference between peanut butter and jam? Well I can't peanut butter my dick up ur ass.
Shouldn't the Air and Space museum be empty?
How does a 49er fan change a light bulb? He doesn't he just talks about how great it use to be
Got this one from my nephew Knock knock. Who's there? Hoo. Hoo who? Big summer blowout!
How did the mathematician solve his constipation problems? The same way he solved all other problems: He worked it out with a pencil and paper.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I got fucking hammered last night so I made sure I took the bus home It was ok, except for all the passengers screaming at me to stop driving.
Virginia wolf More like Virginia woof
Finals in college are a lot like plastic surgery walk in with A's and leave with D's.
I'm so attractive Whenever I enter a room, the lights get turned on
Donation A man knocked on my door the other day asking for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I have him a glass of water
A car almost ran into me and I screamed "WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO" I could have died and those would have been my last words
I don't like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
How do you make a Jewish girl scream twice? Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the bedspread.
What is Eminem's favourite food? wraps
I'm at my most British when she says "teabag me" and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Why do bald-headed men never use keys? Because they've lost their locks.
Why was everyone shivering at the inauguration? Because it's a cold day in hell....
I'm sorry, but I absolutely detest law firms that do pro bono work. I fucking hate U2.
Look out man! You know the difference between driving in the fog and 69ing is? You can't see the asshole in front of you driving in the fog.
If there's one thing I like better than paying bills, it's anything else.
What do American Beer and sex in a canoe have in common? They're both f*cking close to water. [Joke courtesy of Zane Lamprey on an episode of Three Sheets]
I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don't you mean netsurfing? No everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!
I'm not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I'd like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I'm writing a book about Indian food... It's gonna be a naan-fiction.
Hey Click this link.
when girls are mad at you they go on twitter and rt something that is the exact reason they're mad...they find it in under a minute too
A car salesman says to me... "Buy this car and pay no interest for a year!" "That's stupid". I said, "why the hell would I buy something that I'm not going to be interested in for an entire year?!"
Q: How was the pig defeated in court? A: Oinkontroverible evidence against it and oinkonsistencies in the defense.
What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window? The restraining order
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs Now we have no money, no hope, or jobs.
A penguin, a priest, and a cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?!"
Want to hear a racist joke? Civil Rights Act of 1964.
Women think about sex every 7 seconds. Just not with you.
Pennywise the clown to Ronald "you disgust me Ronald, you're not even scary." Ronald McDonald: "I've killed more people than you."
2 guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks
ME: So, where are the Hobbits? GUIDE: Again, that's Middle Earth. This is Central America. ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Facebook likes I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola? The Cowboys Stadium. Because they can't catch anything there.
To Dig. I dig. We dig. He dig. She dig. They dig. It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's very deep!
I wish labor day was 9 months after spring break
Where do hamburgers go to dance? To a meatball.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
TIL that 70% of statistics are made up on the spot. ...like for example this one.
So I peed on my phone last night man was I pissed.
What do you call a girl from Alabama who's faster than her brothers? A virgin
Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail? Because he was a mass murderer
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Rabbi So today I was wondering, when a rabbi performs a circumsision, does he get paid or does he just keep the tips?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Does anyone have a good joke about essays/paper writing I can use?
After 10 years of marriage I've composed a check list of good reasons to get married. 1) Your family is being held hostage. 2) 3)
A guy comes into a bar. No, wait... it was a horse. So, a guy comes into a horse.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer this morning... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
I'm not sure why my dog enjoys watching me have sex but I'm sure deep down she's thinking "B itch stole my move..."
I named my bathroom "the Jim" So I can tell my friends I go to the Jim everyday
(NSFW) Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm... He walks up to his wife and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking!" Wife: "That's a duck." Guy: "I was talking to the duck!"
I've reached the point in my life where I'm ready for a life partner. But I'd probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I saw a ballet themed porn the other day. It was 'Fucking en Pointe'.
A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night... ... and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"
Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial? They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.
Why couldn't C.P.E. Bach find his contemporary? He was Haydn.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
My first language is typo.
Muslims don't blow themselves up for virgins They're going to hell, where the women know what they're doing
Have you heard about Reddit OP having a miscarriage? She could not deliver :(
Did you hear about the epileptic midget who works at the pizzeria? They call him Little Seizures.
Ben Carson ZZZzzzzzz
I'm not fat. I'm famine proof.
I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic. Rain? In California? Did they even pretend to research for this movie?
What's the best thing about dark humor? People don't take it lightly.
Whats the least paying job? British dentist.
Pooped without my phone this morning, just like Gandhi.
I can't remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common? They all "Feel The Burn!"
The difference between "like" "love" and "in love" is the same as the difference between "for now" "for a while" and "forever"
I can't believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
What shark has the most privilege? A great white!
I was going to tell the joke about the scarecrow... but I think it has already been posted.
A man is at the checkout to purchase some condoms... ...the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag as well?" the man replies, "Oh, no thank you--she isn't that ugly."
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor HEYYYY MACARENA
What do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both have Kurds in their way.
Jesus walks into a hotel He throws a bag of nails on the counter and says: "Can you put me up for the night?"
What's grosser than gross? 2 eels screwing in a bucket of snot.
What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"
I came up with a phrase for the female version of a dick pick. Slot shot.
How do you get a drummer to drink a beer open it for him
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Steven Gerard has finished his book about his football career, the problem is that he hasn't got a Title...
What do you call a gnome that muffs a fairy ? Goblin....
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
So I just preordered a Jet Black IPhone.. Lol jk
Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.
women secrets? Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.
Islam is the religion of peace a peace of you over here and a peace of you over there
"Oh love what did you ever do to deserve a  wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes. "I don't know but I promise I'll never do it again."
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks.
What's the worst thing about losing your hand You're also losing your girlfriend
Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.
I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.
For someone with a penis, wearing skinny jeans is a lot like living in a cheap mansion... There's no ballroom.
Why did God make women last? He didn't want someone telling him what to do
Getting a college degree is just like buying a new car Its value is cut in half as soon as you leave the property with it.
So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
It's 2080. Every living human is named Taylor. Dogs are the size of hamsters. The iPhone 47 is the size of a parachute. Weed is mandatory.
What kind of tie is best to wear in a fight? Muay Thai
Soviet Valentine's Day You are the hammer to my sickle.
I have Alzheimer's disease. But at least I don't have Alzheimer's disease!
A kid asks his father what a prostitute is. And his father replies: That's a woman who sells her body to have sex. kid: Oh, I thought it was a bitch.
Did you hear about the math teacher... ...who used a ladder to solve a calculus problem written at the very top of his blackboard? He really rose to the equation.
Would you like a bag with that? Would you like a bag with that? Would you like a bag with that? I know now it isn't really the most efficient way to sell tea!
When I die I want to invite my college group mates to my funeral and have them bury me So they can let me down one last time
Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes C
How do we know Paul Walker had dandruff? We found his Heads &amp; Shoulders in the glove box.
The NFL replacement refs
If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I'm polite.
How can you tell if a black woman is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out the cotton is already picked.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five Clinton won three games to two.
Tuesdays go into Humpdays now don't they
I used to have an invisible pencil I really didn't see the point of it.
Teacher: "What is the most common phrase used in school?" Pupil: "I don't know..." Teacher: "Correct!"
What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name? You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothin, you've already told her twice!
What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room? "You're going to have to be a little patient"
What Counting system does Valve use? Trinary
Kidnapping Catnapping keeps you well rested, kidnapping gets you arrested.
Congrats Amy Winehouse on being 5 years sober
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It's true, I'm still glad I went with a bowling ball though
What did batman say to robin? Q. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? A. "Get in the car, Robin" Source http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
What was Jesus never thankful for? Fridays.
What does a silver medalist and a pedophile have in common? They both come in just a little behind.
Why do they call Hannibal Lecter "The Mail Man"? He always delivers.
Dear K", Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, Got nothing to say.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic. Religion: I prefer scripture and faith. Astrology: I like turtles.
Me: "My elbow hurts." WebMD: "Elbow cancer."
What did Drake Bell say to Batman? Sorry, still calling you Bruce! I found this on Facebook somewhere; I dunno who to get credit to.
Falling off Bed A lunatic falls off his bed. He quickly gets up. 10 minutes later, he falls again. He thinks to himself "Good thing I got up 10 minutes ago, or I might have fallen on myself"
"Dear NASA... ...Your mom thought I was big enough" -Pluto
I like my women like I like my milk Freshly made and trapped in the fridge
All I'm saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Why are drug addicts bad at billiards? Because they only pay to shoot up the eight ball
Witnessed the birth of my cousin's first child... She said we should've used a condom
I asked my French friend if he watched superbowl... ...he said bowling is not so big in Europe.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
What's the difference between period blood and sand? You can't gurgle sand.
Love is like a fart If you have to force it, it's probably s**t
What was the weather like at the rap concert? There was a Lil Wayne.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Grammar died so that Twitter could live.
Why couldn't the whistle blower make it home for the holidays? he was snowden
Two drunks are crawling on the railroad. One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?" "No worries, I see an elevator coming."
A Moment of Silence Let's all spare a few moments of silence for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.
I've been called the Trump of the bedroom... Because sex with me builds up emotional walls that they end up paying for.
My English professor failed my essay on child birth They don't allow contractions in formal writing
What do Princess Diana, Kurt Cobain, and Pink Floyd all have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
What do cows usually fly around in?  Helicowpters and Bulloons.
Why was the lions stomach enormous? Because he finally swallowed his pride
Donald Trump is banning pre-shredded cheese And making America grate again
An interesting twist on a classic. (x-post /r4chan) http://i.imgur.com/UvBlxDK.png
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the trick is finding two people small enough to fit IN the lightbulb...
I'll never forget the day I met you... ...but I'm trying.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can't wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
How does Smaug copy files to a USB stick? Dragon drop
There are few problems in life that can't be sorted by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and THEN drawing winged eyeliner on a raccoon.
Many Americans don't know the opposites of the following words: * Always * Coming * From * Take * Me * Down
I took a class on procrastination There was always homework due next week  (.   .) 
What do you do if someone is having a seizure in the bathtub? Throw your laundry in.
My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
Son:Mom! What's a GF? Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store "Bed & Bath" isn't working. How can we take our branding to the next level? BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea...
Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I've seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means? Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
title text
My son: "Dad what's a douche bag?" Me: see that guy sitting with his friends wearing a Bluetooth?....
Heard about the new low fat comminion wafer? it's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
I've got an old condom joke I wanted to share on Reddit with you guys... ...but it's already been used once.
YOUR MUMS SO FAT...... your mums so fat she makes the moon look small
I shouldn't play with Legos? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
What do you call a wizard holding a teacup? A saucer-er!
Which is the favorite US State of Miley Cyrus ? Montana.
HELLO? HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON'T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Barry hoped one of the almost dozen puns he told his son would make him laugh. No pun in ten did.
What's the difference between a 4 year old boy and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.
How many nice guys does it take to screw a lightbulb? 0 cause they'll compliment it then get pissed off when it won't screw
My girlfriend reminds me of Chernobyl... There's nuclear fallout when she over-reacts!
What did the constipated mathematician do? He sat down and worked it out with a pencil.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
So I went to a culture booth recently... And I tried some ramen. Wasn't a great idea I soon found out, as I had eaten a cheeseburger not long before. Everything just surrendered...
Punish your cat by lint rolling him until he is completely gone.
I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn't "fun to be around."
What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, i'm going in.
david guetta feat. the person who sings the whole song
There are only two types of people in this world People who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
*Goes fishing *Catches Spongebob *Hangs him on my wall as a trophy *Too lazy to buy a sponge *Uses Spongebob to clean toilet
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint :)
What's a terrible plate pun? dish one.
Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits.
What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help? Bro sure!
What do you call a gay man on roller skates? Rollaids
True friends don't judge each other.... They judge other people, together.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
TIFU by whipping the wrong person at the BDSM club. Whoops, wrong sub.
A man with OCD and a man with ADHD walk into a bar... Everything explodes.
I know a guy who refuses to use anything except paper money. But he says he's trying to change.
So there's this humor contest... and a guy enters ten puns hoping to win with at least one. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
Do you know the most popular place in town? The cemetery; people are just dying to get in
Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
Why is childbirth called "delivery" and not "take out?"
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Scott Summers (X-Men) is dead.. ...by watching his navel. (I don't know if this joke works in English)
How do you starve an black man? Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
If someone honks at you in traffic, honk back and yell "HEY, OUR CARS ARE TALKING!"
What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea? I've never paid 50 bucks to have a garbanzo on my face.
You hear about the accident involving the mustang and the t bird? There was horse shit and feathers everywhere! My grandpa died 12 years ago this week, thought I'd share his favorite joke.
How come its okay to tackle someone who wants to jump in front of a train but its unacceptable to slap a Big Mac out of their fat face.
Why do ducks look so sad? Because when they preen their feathers, they look down in the mouth.
Why can't America ever win a chess tournament? Because they're missing two towers
You know what grinds my gears? People who say they know how to drive stick because they "watched a tutorial on YouTube".
I am addicted. I bought the iPhone, iPad & iTouch & now iBroke, iHomeless & iRegret.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs ? Raining elephants !
What do you call it when someone is raped by a bunch of ghosts? Boo-kakke
A reporter asked Lil Wayne how sure was he that he contracted HIV. He said 100% positive
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we shot the last one who had a dream.
I just found out that I missed a test on stolen flags last week. My teacher had it flagged as missing.
I just got fired from my noose making job :( I was there for several months, but I just couldn't get the hang of it.
I want a real relationship; not a Facebook one
All women say they just want to meet someone with a sense of humor - From what I can tell, Rich guys are fucking hilarious-
I like my women like I like my coffee horny
Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barmen says... "Get out! You're Bard"
I am sure Freud invented autocorrect... because when you mean one thing,it autocorrects it to amother.
I'm not homophobic, I love my house!
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? I can't make a vitamin
"Look, I know I'm just a deep dish filled with dough, tomato sauce, and mozzarella cheese... But you should really reconnect with your father." "Hey! That's a little personal, pan pizza!"
What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher? Would you like ketchup with your chips?
[tearing off our clothes] Her: I want you. Take off your shoes. *kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Whats the difference between a woman president and pizza? Most people like the idea of pizza better.
What are Benedict Cumberbatch's fans called? Cumberbitches.
I can type 600 words per minute but none of them makes any sense
Accountants aren't boring people They just get excited about boring things.
I want to pump iron with all of Twitter. I want to spot my followers and scoff at my haters' form
Which kitchen appliance tells the best jokes? The beater - he cracks everybody up!
What's the best part about abortions? They never get old
What do fish do when they have cancer? Nemotherapy
A little boy wrote to Santa Claus... One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Why does Santa have such a beautiful garden? He is always Hoe-hoe-hoeing.
How does a woman destroy a mans pride with 4 words? Is it in yet? How does a man destroy a womans pride with 4 words? I don't know.
The first rule of Yacht Club is you need a membership and a boat.
What do... A grape and a bunny rabbit have in common? They're both purple. Except for the bunny rabbit.
Girl asked me to rate a girl out of 10. I said, you a 14 cause you so basic.
I'm glad Canada won. Beating them in hockey would like telling Yo-Yo Ma that the cello sucks. He's a nice dude, let him be into the cello.
IamA PC user who bought winrar AMA
I'm sick and tired of those who say Hillary has no great accomplishments.... I would say staying out of prison for the crimes she committed in the last four decades is a great accomplishment.
Your Momma so dumb She bought a book on how to read
For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
If by "cat-person" you mean do I sleep a lot and will I lose my temper with you without provocation, then yes I'm a cat-person.
what is green and has wheels? A frog, I lied about the wheels.
Never ever marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them
Body: All done? Brain: All done. Body: goodnight Brain: goodnight Body: Brain: Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don't get electrocuted when it rains and now we're checking Google
HELP!!! I've just spunked all over my mother's chest by accident whilst she was asleep. If she finds out, she's going to go fucking crazy. Anybody know how to clean cum off antique oak wood??
That annoying moment when you're waiting for a text & you get one but it's from the wrong person.
Why did the vampire feel tired after dinner? All the blood had rushed to his stomach.
I like my woman the way I like my coffee. Hot, black, and all over my lap while I'm driving.
Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
What does Walter White say when he tells a knock-knock joke? I am the one who Knock-knocks.
What is Cab Calloway's favorite type of humor? 'scat'alogical
Would you rather suffer from Alzheimers or Parkinson personally I'd rather shake my drinks than forgetting where I put them.
*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.
What kind of chili do they serve at the cannibal prison?? Chili CON Carne!
The other day I sold someone a stale fish, next day he came to my store and said "you selfish" and left... now I am not sure if I should have replied "yes" or "sorry".
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent. Might not kill him but he'll never have any friends.
What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch? A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.
Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often. Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself.
a dog pisses on an ant... and the ant says "hey watch it!" and the dog says "i don't have a watch"
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? Juan
Why are millenials so odd? Because they can't even...
A lot of women at the mall make me feel like I'm tripping on flaccid.
Why did Adele cross the road to say hello from the other side
3yo: make me oatmeal me: *poof* you're oatmeal 3yo: me: *makes oatmeal
What's the difference between a tuna a piano and a pot of glue..? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna What about the pot of glue reddit will ask. Hahahahaha I knew you'd get stuck there
Today I asked "Where do you get off" while quarreling with my girlfriend. She replied "In your bed." Quarrel over.
My post on /r/bombs made the front page Edit: holy shit this blew up
Why does Axl Rose love to carry around The Scarlet Letter? Because every Rose has its Hawthorne
Dear Father Christmas this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes? Lemon-entry my dear watson.
A man walks into a bar... ouch.
Women and not finding me attractive. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
2 gay guys and 2 lesbians are Going to the beach. Who gets there first? The gay guys because they packed their shit the night before.
TIL where the first French fry was made. In grease.
In germany there are lots of jokes about the polish, so... What did Piotr get for christmas? ... Your iPod!
Donald Trump has begun work building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. It's called the wetback setback.
The only good thing about being a chemist... Is that no one knows what I'm doing with my dog when I tell them "I'll be in my lab".
What happened to the ice cube? It came straight outta Compton's glass.
What is the definition of a minor 2nd chord? Two flutists playing in unison.
"Aww. You guys... And it's not even my real birthday! #flattered ." -Jesus
What's infinity minus one? A sideways seven.
Demons must be obese... ...Because they hate getting exorcised.
What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Fang Tango.
What is the temperature of the average coffin? 6 Below
A secretary asks a favour of her boss. She asks "can I borrow your Dictaphone?" "CERTAINLY NOT!" he replies indignantly... "You can use your mobile like everyone else!"
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night, 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine.'
Is your smart fridge running? "Yes? Well can you turn the damn thing off, it's breaking the Internet!"
You must be the square root of -1 Because you can't be real.
Two guys were watching a marathon on tv. One says to the other, "why are they running?" "to win the prize." "who will win the prize?" "the one who finishes first." "then why are the others running?"
If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.
Knock knock Who's there? I eat mipe
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
My friend was the best at Russian Roulette. He only lost once.
I like my coffee how I like my women. Without a penis.
Hello! my name is Linus Q: What do you call a person who has lost all hope? ------------------------------------------------------------- A: Linus
Two sperms are talking with each other... "Hey man, how long till we get the ovaries?" "Long way still, we just passed the throat."
Neighbor: It's July, you need to take down the xmas lights. Me: It's no worse than your stupid yard gnome. Neighbor: That's my wife.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One fish turns to the other and says, "DAM."
"Hey, wait" - African children watching Gatorade get dumped on a winning coach
Nobody cares about the Jews Hitler and his men are having a meeting, Hitler: We will kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown. Men: Why the clown? Hitler: See! I told you nobody cares about the Jews!
What's a 68 to a blonde? She goes down on you and you owe her one
The penis game. Not technically a joke, but it's always fun. Just replace one word of a movie title with the word, "penis". Indiana Jones and the Temple of Penises
What's the difference between feminists and a pencil? A pencil has a point.
Have you seen the movie, Constipated? Of course not. It hasn't came out, yet
If the music's too loud you're too old.
Nostradamus's childhood Kid Nostradamus asks his mom: "Mom, what's for dinner?" "Like you don't know, you little prick!"
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her: I replied with, "Alright, fatty."
My 1 yr old only says the words "no," "mine," and "bye" and I tried it out and it turns out that's actually all you need.
Advice to those who steal from libraries If someone gets caught stealing from a library, would they get *booked?*
What I want In A Man (NSFW)
Possession is nine-tenths of the law. The other tenth must be exorcism.
I hit the gym today... But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.
Mom: I think I'll name her Jenny. Dr: I'm sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I like my women like I like my peanut butter... Brown, chunky, and easy to spread.
How much did the Holocaust? Not enough Jews.
She got a big booty so I call her Ashley because that's her real name and I don't objectify women.
I did a striptease for my wife but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.
911: What's your emergency? Me: I brought a girl home last night 911: That's not an- Me: NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE! *swat team busts down my door*
I don't have tinted windows on my car because if people don't like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.
Two lawyers walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
I need a gun to protect me against those that want to harm me, a group mainly made up of people I've threatened with shoot with my gun
Time for a Pao wow... Feel free to express how you really feel...
Bikini season is right around the corner...But so is Chipotle
Recently I felt Funny and came over Queasy... At which point I was told to leave the local theatre adaption of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Did you hear about the man who couldn't keep his herb garden under control? He had bad thyme management.
a bird doesnt sing becuase it has an answer. it sings becuase birds are jerks who like to hear the sound of their own voice
What came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken, eggs don't cum.
Why are dogs in a lot of pain? Because they chew balls.
Why did the H blow itself up? Because the Jihad.
What did the lieutenant vulture say to the enlisted vultures who stopped eating a dead cow to salute? Carrion.
Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you? If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.
When life gives you AIDS... Make lemonAIDS
How heavy is a dumpling? Wanton
I charged my phone, but I didn't have enough evidence to indict, so I had to let it go.
The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists.
So the Chicken and the Egg are laying in bed. The Chicken lights up a cigarette, takes a deep drag and says, "Well, I guess that answers that question..."
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for a toaster."
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?
A friend asked me if I knew what the best pizza was. I said I didn't know but Digior knows
I don't really have a "blood type." I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
The best part of having a prostitute die on you is the second hour is free!
There's going to be a Fast and Furious cameo on Walking Dead Paul, walker
What do you call a horny Catholic? A firm believer.
Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read.... # **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**
Why did the Catholic church decide to abandon science? Light stopped having mass
Send a text to your SO exactly this in commas "You effect me" (read comments after you have done so 1st) SO: Don't you mean "affect?" You: Yeah i forgot the A-Hole. Sincerely, JM
What does a Chicago cop say after emptying his clip into a fleeing suspect? "Stop. Police."
Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge I do not owe my ex-wife any money." Glaring down at him the judge replied "He's not. I am. You do."
I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
There are 4 states of matter... Solids, Liquids, Gases, and Black lives
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.
Why was the road upset when the chicken went over him twice? It didn't like being double crossed.
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
I find my own face to be scary... But I guess that's just me
Hey baby, lemme see what's under that shell. Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.* [3 hours later] I still see you there baby.
Hey Billy Joel it's called a pianist.
What's the best side of the house to build a deck on? The outside
I had an artist put a tattoo of an asshole put over my asshole. That way I can say, "Are you referring to me or my tattoo?"
I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.
So in this upcoming boxing match, Soulja Boy is being trained by Floyd Mayweather Where as Chris Brown is just getting another girlfriend to train on
Tiger Woods joke So I guess Tiger Wood and Lindsay Vonn are having an Open relationship.
my gf is like x of sin(2x)=0 she's irrational when she's on her period
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid money for a garbanzo to bean on me.
(Politics) If trump becomes president... And he identified as a female or got a sex change, would he then be the first woman president?
Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton are on a boat that is sinking, who survives? America.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I think we all know who the big fat loser was tonight... Rosie O'Donnell
What's the difference between a tumblrite and a coprolite? Their age.
Help! I need funny jokes for a 9 year is at camp! Know any kid jokes that are actually funny? Please tell me what they are
You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don't like you and she likes everyone.
Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling? He wanted to hang with his family. 
How do you call Bob the Builder when he is unemployed? Bob
I found my first gray pubic hair today. It was in my Big Mac
I don't know anything about golf... ...but I just watched it on TV for a couple minutes. It looks really easy. I'm sure I could get a very high score.
My son's taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone's talking about anymore.
what's the best part about eating out your... nsfw ....grandma? you can suck her tits at the same time!
Man crushed by giant baseball. Witnesses say object came right out of left field.
Who needs viagra when there are pictures of old women with dyed orange hair and their eyebrows penciled in on the internet
I'd run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
How do you top a car? with the break tupid!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bethany ! Bethany who ? Bethany good movies recently !
What did one British tampon say to the other British tampon? We're bloody-well stuffed.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Oh goodness it's Olympic Soccer. If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd take some of my single friends to the bar.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his arse
"Nothing rhymes with orange" No it doesn't.
William Shatner? I didn't even know he knew her.
"Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
When the pilot says, "This is your captain speaking," I like to brush the hair from his eyes and whisper, "This is your passenger listening"
What do you get when you mix a black man with microwave chicken? (May be offensive) Mike Tyson
"Boo!" -- cow with a cold
How are fat girls and mopeds similar? They are fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to find out.
Ive never seen a pregnant Chinese lady.
Killer Whales like classical music so much... That they form Orcastras.
I was gonna make a joke about Alzheimers.. ..but I forgot what it was.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
The most high brow yo 'mamma joke... Yo mamma is so classless... she is like a Marxist utopia!
Breaking news In an exclusive interview, Hitler tells our reporter that the final solution was all a big misunderstanding, he claims he said: 'I want concentrated juice'
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Was forced to watch Lifetime and now I think my water just broke
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
What political party does Donald Trump belong to? The Whig Party
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please Arresting officer: no
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 30 years.
The thing about midgets and dwarfs... they have very little in common.
Why do men like blowjobs? It's the only thing that they get something straight inside a woman's head.
People who comment with 'goose bums' on YouTube videos, more power to you!
I'm an astronaut, and recently decided to invite my girlfriend to my work. She said she needed some space.
I really got in touch with my inner self tonight... I'll never buy that cheap toilet paper again!
Your mumma so fat. Its not a joke. im just stating facts
My wife's so ungrateful The other day I gave her a massive orgasm, and she just spit it out.
I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven't heard from them since. Best decision ever
Someone broke into my local corner shop and stole 30 cases of Red Bull last night Honestly, I don't know how these people sleep at night
[Takes dog to park] *waits for romantic comedy to begin
The "oops, wrong hole" excuse doesn't work when she catches you with her best friend.
I was an emotional Wedding. Even the Cake was in Tiers.
Why is Mrs Trump always on top? Because Donald can only fuck up.
yes ladies i have a black belt. its a black leather belt from Marshalls. [i flinch as a bird flys by] you girls wanna get some lunch?
Did you hear about the prison breakout yesterday? Those prison guards should have used ProActiv.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile! XD
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don't work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.
So Donald Trump is only getting $1 a year as president? You could probably get an immigrant to do a better job for a cheaper price.
I'm Rich with a capital R! But my colleagues know me by my legal name, Richard.
I covered my boyfriend's laptop in melted cheese and now he's really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Nothing brings out the kid in you like... an abortion.
Imagine us waiting for 2016 and all of sudden comes 2015 s
Why is Donald Trump always biting his fingers? Because they look just like Vienna sausages.
When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders... When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?
What do you call it when a midget realizes he's gay? Coming out of the cupboard.
we're fucked When u thought that Donald Trump running for president was a joke then realized I don't have enough money saved up to move out of the country.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I told a little white lie... or a little black lie, because all lies matter
Just saw an employment ad... ...for cleaning elephant dicks... The pay isn't good but the tips are big... I'll be here all week...
My bartender offered me a new drink last night called a "Sandy." It's a watered-down Manhattan.
What does the L in Samuel L Jackson stand for? Motherfucking
My dog said I was crazy
"I ate thoup before it wath cool." - Hipthter
What did the overly excited gardener do when spring arrived? He wet his plants.
What do we want? CLICKBAIT When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
In the doctor's office "I think you should get hammered and fuck a lot of women" "What can I say doctor, you are the best psychiatrist I have ever had..."
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ's and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My motto is "Grab Life by the Balls." As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named "Leif."
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. 
I'm so sick of all these unfunny dad joke reposts. "Hi, So Sick of All These Unfunny Dad Joke Reposts. I'm Dad!"
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I'm just listing things.
What's it called when a 12 year old African boy that's crying? A mid-life crisis
How do you get a blonde on a roof? Tell her drinks are on the house.
Why should you wash your hair with counterfeit feces? Because it's sham poo.
How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ? They sit eggsaminations !
Why do babies cry so much? YOU'RE MOM.
What do you call a sextape with a 60 year-old man in it? Flappy Bird. ^I'll ^excuse ^myself ^now
There's a doctor here to see you. Doctor who? No, I think it's a non time traveling one.
I had the worst day EVER!!! I found a hair in my booger and it totally ruined my booger :(
Shakespeare could see the future. He knew people would listen to only two types of music. Doobie or not Doobie.
How do you turn a cow into a steak? You mootilate it.
Home early. Wife : "Why are u home so early?" Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"
What does love mean to a tennis player? Nothing
Chelsea Clinton is so patriotic That she wore George Washington's wooden teeth for her speech last night
Well-known lodging chain  announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. The only way you'll see  a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an  M&M.
What do you get when you put semen in a bat? Abasement.
I can do number tricks in my head They do cartwheels and handstands.
What do you call a man with no shins? Toe-Knee
I need some Asian jokes As an Asian American I have never had the satisfaction of ever hearing an Asian joke that was anything but mediocre. I JUST WANNA BE OFFENDED GOD DAMN IT!
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss... and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons? Because blonde guys are stupid too.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate? A small chest with no booty.
I have a joke. Me.
Q: Which is the most courteous State in the US? A: Conetiquette
What does an octopus have ten of? Tickles...
How many A.D.D. kids does it take to change a light bulb? Look a squirrel!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I'm a big fan of crucifixions?
Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Bought some sneakers from my drug dealer... Not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
I figured out why new mothers are so tired. Having kids really takes a lot out of you.
What did the tumblr user do when she got arthritis? Massage a knee.
"Why am I not asleep?" he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Did you know that all of the Hobbit films were recorded in L.A. Yeah, you could tell by the Smaug.
I know this is a long shot, but any super-attractive men and women out there also self-confessed "nerds?"
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working I'm going to my mum's house." So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold. - What the hell did she mean?
This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I drank too much
Who is a Project Manager? Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.
Sorry I put a Gryffindor scarf on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and called him Hermione Manger.
What is the best armor for sneaking? Leather, it's made of hide.
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator
Interview: "What's your greatest weakness?" *I look at my watch then lean in* How much time do you have?
What do "Jingle Bells" sung by Mike Tyson and a green and red g-string have in common? They're both Christmith Thongs.
How is Microsoft like Bob Marley? I do updates before I do updates. And then I do updates.
Chris Christie stopped running... Go figure
9: The remote isn't working me: Did you smack it? 9: Yep me: Did you push the button down really hard? 9: Yep me: Well I'm out of ideas
In A Error At 99% Completed Understanding A Girl: . . . This Is Like Downloading A 4GB File. At The Speed Of 2kbps. Which Ends Up.. In A Error At 99% Completed!
The worst part of a Halloween party with a bunch of techies is bobbing for apps.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office? [I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
"I stalk people you've probably never heard of" -hipster stalker
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down
Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. "With love, WikiLeaks"
i don't think that was a chocolate chip.
Some women have names that simply demand respect. The few. The proud. The Maureens.
This cop is driving so fast it's like he's trying to keep up with me
Mayweather is dyslexic, He's supposed to punch his opponent and hug his wife.
What do you get when you run over a goose? Goose bumps.
*braids your voodoo doll's hair Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like "who braided my hair" HAHAHAHA
I've been having an affair with a film director's wife. Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious. I said to him, "Look, mate, don't make a scene."
when you drink too much, you may get whiskey dick. a less well known concern is when you use painkillers, however, and you get poppy-cock
What did the egg say to the boiling water? Give me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid.
Bae: come over Me: do you have food? Bae: my parents aren't home Me: Are they gonna come back with food?
What is the difference between snowmen and snowomen? Snowballs.
Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18. It was a very close race.
What is the hardest part about bring a pedophile Fitting in    btw meant being not bring
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we shot the only one who had a dream.
Get AIDS from a toilet seat A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat? The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.
it's ridiculous to estimate the size of a man's weiner by looking at his hands or feet. just ask him to show you. if it's small, he won't.
I make more Freudian slips before 9am than most people do all gay.
The Wife just accused me of loving Twitter more than her. I said, "but honey! I love you much more than Facebook or LinkedIn!"
Laugh while you can, 2016... ...you're next.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that's not how pregnancy works.
Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the... *other side.*
You say, "POE-TAY-TOE." I say, essential ingredient for a distilled spirit.
My wife tried to lecture me about "mansplaining"... ...but, as usual, she had it all wrong.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a school, after a while the priest turns to the rabbi and whispers: "I'd like to screw that boy", the rabbi then replies: "Out of what?"
Can't believe no one told me that cows can't walk down stairs. Now I'm stuck with all these attic cows.
If NASA are ever going to send someone to mars to collect water samples, They're going to have to planet very carefully!
Define "no more Twitter or I will leave you."
Mom, what's an orgasm? Child: "Mom, what's an orgasm?" Mom: "I don't know, dear. I never had one." Dad: (Thinking) "This bitch."
I yell at my grandma to see if she is still alive It's a win win situation, either she's still alive or my inheritance just came in.
What's similar between an elephant and a plum? They're both grey except for the plum.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
What does the hot dog say when it crosses the finish line? I'm the wiener!
Broccoli is like sex If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult
If a prostitute is someone that uses sex to obtain money, what do you call someone who uses sex to obtain you? Yo momma
My girlfriend asked if she would be able to make a living by being a stripper... I told her it was probably a bit too risque.
If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella how come none of them got wet? Because it wasn't raining.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one. IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off. ME: Too late, I ate it.
[interview] "Where you see yourself in 5 years?" Doing your job. "And me?" Jobless and upset about the divorce "OMG" *runs out crying*
Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? It scares their seeing-eye dog.
How is learning to ride a bicycle and 9/11 alike? Because you never forget!
They're going to start playing porn at the fuel pumps.... This is so you can watch someone else being fucked at the same time as you.
A painting was arrested... It cried out "I've been framed! Don't hang me!"
"You had a life. It was this long. Here's a rock." - tombstones
A look into the mind of women...
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv! Me: Oh. No that's just for when I run out of toilet paper.
The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?" The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!" Heard this at the dentist this morning
Me: I'm completely lost. What's going on in this movie? Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago. Me: Wow! New record.
What's the best thing about deadly snakes ?  They've got poisonality !
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they'd still be dead at 8am.
Some people say , well I'm glad I'm not as crazy as Jon . And I'm like glad I'm not as crazy as the people in the loony bin . The people in the loony Ben are like.... I'm glad I'm a squirrel.
Hear about the guy whose brother cut off his leg below the ankle? Treachery was a foot.
Have you heard about the billboard company who only did JPEG files? I heard they got a lot of stretch marks.
The funniest vampire jokes... ... never see the light of day
TIL that curling used to be coed... But the decision was made to segregate because the committee felt the female members had an unfair advantage, being naturally better sweepers.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I suppose at least two. But where are you going to find a lightbulb that big?
What is the best way to cut a mango? With a knife!
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa? Santa stops at 3 'Ho's'
It's bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well
What did the footballer's girlfriend think when she saw him standing between some goal posts? "He's a keeper"
I wonder which woman said..... "yep I'm gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens."
What is Forest Gump's Email password? 1Forest1
What do you call it when a doctor has sex with a quarantined patient? Sick Fuck.
What is the dogs favourite city ? New Yorkie !
What do a priest and a swimmer who came in second have in common? The both came in a little behind
I wanted to take up yoga. I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".
Why do girls prefer to drive auto cars, instead of manual? Because they want the D.
Had a lot of chemistry with my high-school science teacher.
Did you hear the story about the broken pencil? It's pointless.
What do you call an alligator with a map? A Navigator.
Is milk the best workout supplement? No, whey man! (My first dad joke, im so proud!)
Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas? They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.
What do you call a giant elephant mafia boss that owns slaves? Masta-Don.
I have two friends who always compete against each other in art competitions But they always end in a draw
Why did the scale not wear any of his shirts? Because they all had a tare ^^^I'llseemyselfout
I hate it when I open Twitter and miss a week of work.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEE
TIL there is a new type of morning-after pill, and it's for men! It changes blood type.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don't you leaf.
I am the janitor of the World Trade center back in 2001 - AmA Edit: Wow this *blew* up.
Have you watched the movie about polynomials? I heard the *f(x)* were great!
What do you call a house that changes every month? A Werehouse.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin God: Yes Jesus: Which you created as punishment God: Yes Jesus: For eating an apple God: Yes Jesus: No
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how's your day going?
They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.
An eagle gets sick and is arrested ... because, he is ill-eagle
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
What is the definition of "indefinitely"? When your balls slap your girlfriend's ass, you know you're in definitely.
What do books have that Mexicans don't? Papers.
Why did Satan need life alert? Because he had fallen, and could not get back up.
What did the cervix say when the penis asked about the sex party? If you're in, hymen!
The inventor of AutoCorrect... ...is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.
Islam IS a RACE to the 7th century.
Did you hear about the guy who repeated a joke on /r/jokes? He insisted it wasn't a riposte.
If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.
Can I play Piano? A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation? B: Yes, of course. A: Great! I never could before!
A guest checked in and informed us that his plane had a ton of delays throughout the day. I replied "well, at least it didn't disappear, eh?"
What's cooler than Obama? Snowbama
I think I'm going to sell my theremin I haven't touched it in ages...
What do you call a man with 3 testicles? Whodyanickabollockoff
Seven year old brother hit me with this one Him: How do people look at the internet? Me: How? Him: With their google-y eyes
If I got a dollar every time someone called me a racist Black people would rob me.
A neutron walk in to a bar... A neutron walk in to a bar, orders a beer and asks: How much? The bartender looks at him and replies: For you, no charge!
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Inoffensive Muslim joke What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common? It's either Sunni or shiite
How do you change the light bulb in the dark? You don't. The police shoot you.
They should make an iPad with a fold-open keyboard that can sit on your lap.
I'll throw corrosive acid in the face of anyone who casually glaces at my computer screen while passing my cubicle.
If you only speak one language you have no excuse to suck at it.
What's another name for a prosthetic patella? Faux-knee
When your prescription says "DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS" how many beers are you really allowed to have? 6?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk. I said yes. That was the shortest job interview I've ever had.
Lately I'm very optimistic about the future of my marriage... I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he'll meet somebody... soon...
Why can't you tell when a Pterodactyl goes to the toilet Becuase the P is silent
Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road.
I have a stalker now and it's super creepy. She shows up wherever I go... her house, her job, the women's restroom. I don't know what to do.
"Hi doc!" "Hi! What is that behind your ear?" "Nice try, too old for the coin trick" "No it's a tumor" "Oh my god" "Kidding it's a quarter"
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
What does a duck call a tractor? A quacktor
18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget
Steve Irwin lived the same way he died... With animals in his heart.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Him: Let's grill this steak Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS Him: that's not- Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
" I am not Acting" Me: (talking random shit to my friend) Friend: "Stop acting stupid" Me: " I am not Acting"
I've come to accept the fact that I'm quite vain. On a vanity scale of 1-10 I'm about a 6. . . A sexy six.
What do you get when you cross a bear and a spider? A six-legged, honey-lovin', web-spinnin' **freak!**
why do mice have such small balls? They can't dance very well.
I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies. Should've added the [Sirius] tag.
If you love something set it free,unless it's a lion. Don't do that.
I have created a new Word! plagiarism
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
doc: how is your headache? she: he is doing fine.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
What picture does a cup get when it goes to prison? A MUGshot.
I'm on the toilet, and I'm pretty sure I just reached enlightenment. Holy shit.
Attention Walmart Shoppers - There is someone dressed Appropriately in Aisle 12
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see ME: a rorschach test PSYCHATRIST: and this one? ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Molestation, mo'problems
There's a new machine at my gym. I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick... It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!
"What's the difference between a gnome and an elf?" Gnomenclature.
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why?  Are my eyes bulging?"
I don't get how people still get attacked by sharks. DON'T THEY HEAR THE MUSIC?
Babies and Gin I like my babies like I like my martinis. Shaken.
What's the difference between a Canadian woman and a moose? 50 pounds and a flannel.
I really understand how batteries feel... I'm rarely included in things either.
How does a redheaded surgeon operate? Gingerly
I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to mess with Texas.
What did the artist say to himself before drawing his first penis? "I'm gonna have to think long and hard about this one."
How does a nucleus get out of prison? Through the cell wall. *Badum tss* :D
People call me peanut-butter... Because everywhere I go, folks be gettin' jelly.
(OC) A little joke I just made up... Homeless people never get inside jokes.
Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days
What Do You Call An Asian Billionare? Cha Ching
Why Did The One Handed Man Cross The Road? So he could get to the second hand store!
Shouldn't you pet him first? Two guys are in a park and see a dog licking it's nuts. First Guy: "Damn I wish I could do that" Second Guy: "Shouldn't you pet him first?"
Drills are boring.
So much rosemary. So little thyme.
A cop stopped me & asked "do you know why I followed you" so I said "cause my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail.
Why did the chicken cross the road? because it was being chased by Mila Kunis.
What happened when pigs started flying? Everyone got swine flu
If you watch the way that many motorists  drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is the nut behind the wheel.
What does your mom and your driveway have in common? They both have a GARBAGE box.
Don't talk down to me just because I'm drunk on tequila. That's Patronizing.
I was walking through... I was walking through a graveyard on my way to work earlier when I saw a man crouched beside a headstone. "Morning" I said, he goes "nah, just having a shit."
My neighbor just just had a baby boy born with no eyelids. When they did the circumcision they used the skin to make him some eyelids. He's doing great, just a little cockeyed.
You know that one cow in the field that's like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That's me. I am that cow.
How many Estonians you need to build a house in Finland ? Who knows, there is no tax record of it.
What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber!
Was being tested for allergies at an all-male nudist colony when the power went out... Needless to say, I felt every prick.
Excuse me Ladies, but my eyes are up here.
What did the angry octopus say to the octopus that made him mad? POW POW POW POW POW POW POW POW Right in the kisser!
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when he hits the windshield? His ass.
Got EM DEEZ NUTZ
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA: Go to an ATM. Withdraw $100.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation* "Technically we're all under the weather today unless you're an astronaut in orbit"
What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits
WIFE: How's the ventriloquism going? ME: Not good. WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book. ME: I don't think he read it.
I told my friend to stop buying Sonic Comics... He said it was one of his many issues
Why don't orphans play baseball. Because they don't know where home is.
What do gay Russian partners call each other? Cumrade
What did the body builder say when he saw he was out of protein powder? No whey!
The Night's Watch opens a drinking establishment to attract new brothers. They call it the Crow Bar.
Then there was the time a cement truck collided with a paddy wagon. Twelvehardened criminals escaped.
Had to delete my Pokemon porn, because the new stuff is way better.
I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
Why do fire departments have dalmatians? To help the firemen find the hydrants
Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent
What do you call a dog with no legs? You don't call him anything, we both know that he's not coming
Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans cant milk a cow for 14 years.
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your dog dance with you on it's hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it too.
You know, I always thought that show Deadliest Catch was about HIV... But here it turns out to be about Crabs
What do people do for a party itinerary in the Jersey Shore? Gym.Tan.Laundry.
The creepiest thing you can do is drive next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed.
What has 400 legs and 23 teeth? The front row of a Trump rally
Why didn't the Indian like having two t.p.'s? They made him 2 tence.
I had a boner during a funeral. I call it the "Mourning Wood".
I got a paper cut writing my suicide note It's a start
looney toons fans: ah, good... once again elmer has failed to put food on the table... he won't survive the winter. this is truly hilarious
Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
I'm addicted to poverty If my bank account has money in it I suffer withdrawal.
What do vampires cross the sea in? Blood vessels.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say 'beautiful' instead. Me: Ok. Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I hope aliens don't land in the next few years, because this is a really embarrassing time for humanity.
Where do sick boats go? ........to the dock!! HAHHAHHAHAHHA
My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and  there/their/they're.
Don't know if this is original or not but... What is the top selling fruit in the world? Clay Aiken.
What do you call a dehydrated French man? Pee Air
What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
What kind of bathroom does Napoleon use? A Waterloo
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"
One of my friends maintains that tomorrow doesn't come until you've have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. He also maintains that it's September 7th, 1998.
I'm old enough to remember when there was only one fat kid in class photos.
What type of drink do gay nazis hate? Juice
Kids today don't know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
A lady that sat next to me on a plane freaked out when she realized that I am a muslim. I laughed so hard my grenades nearly fell out of my pockets.
Merry Christmas.. Or Happy Heineken, as the case may be ;)
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Why does a mother carry her baby? The baby can't carry the mother.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow: Informer
What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears? "You're hired" "Not guilty"
The guy at the grocery store just asked if I brought my reusable bag with me and I told him its none of his business where my girlfriend is
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Spinach is like butt sex If you're forced to have it as a child; you won't enjoy it as an adult
What's a Muslim's favourite musician? Shari'ah Carey
Do you remember when your grandma was younger? Neither does she.
In lieu of the recent manhunt... The LAPD's motto is "to protect and serve." I think they ought to change it to "We'll treat you like a King."
What do they leave on your pillow at a bordello in Dijon, France? Condom-Mints
Ah St Patrick's Day I better eat some Irish food *pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to "You have reached the government."
Why did the pervert cross the road? He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken
The Best Part of Waking Up is Friends Who Don't Know Each Other Arguing In Your Comments on Facebook
what do computers &amp; old testament gods have in common Lots of rules and no mercy
Whenever I'm feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits. Today I'm writing my bosses obituary.
What is an aliens favorite keyboard key The space key
What is Donald Trump's least favorite Candy? Jelly Beaners
#jenesuispascharlie #jesuisrdkw Is it that difficult to get over your identity crisis reddit?
How do you kill 10 flies with one hit? You punch african kid in the face.
What would MLK be if he was alive? White
One nation, under Trump, divisible... Trade liberty and justice for Wall.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi I'll let myself out now.
I once farted in an apple store and people got evacuated.. ...because there wasn't any windows.
The songs that make me feel coolest when I'm driving fast are generally the songs that make me feel dumbest at stop lights.
What's a sheep's favourite band? Ewe 2
Why is a gay man having sex similar to Tony Abbott? They're both fucking arseholes.
I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
She's got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won't quit. Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Because he had a boner
Who was the first Mexican to be knighted by the Queen? Sir Veza
Super Intelligent Student Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! and I'm going home now.
What's the difference between 365 used condoms and a tire? One's a goodyear and the other is a great year.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest
Did you dream of me, baby? -Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk? No, silly. -Then no.
Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
Cigarettes are like Squirrels... They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful. Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.
REMEMBER: If you mention another race, you're racist.
Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.
When you cook duck you should always add a little bit of goose It makes a game out of every bite.
What's the most important part of a vegetable's golf stats? The handicap.
My favourite Halloween joke: "I was going to dress up as Jian Gomeshi but I figured that would be too creepy."
*takes your order* *goes to kitchen* *comes back* "did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?" grilled *sighs* *goes to kitchen*
A seal walks into a club...
good baseball player nicknames if they weren't already taken: - batman - hitler
Lance Armstrong...Optimist or Pessimist? So, Lance, do you see the scrotum as half-full, or do you see the scrotum as half-empty?
Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his  PC? Because it was on old croc.
When I was a kid we were so poor... I had to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.
100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.
A jewish man walks into a bakery And he asks, "how much does the challah cost?".
Why couldn't Princess Leia get any dates? She was looking for Alderaan men.
What's upside down and downside up at the same time ? A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia
Turned off my lights for "earth hour". I've never had so many other cars honking at me.
"You said send nudes? I thought you said send nukes" And that, ladies and gentleman, is the real reason Clinton shall never be president.
What do people say when Batman skips Church? Christian Bale
A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar... And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"
Football is like sex By the end of it you'll be bruised, battered, and sore; but hey at least your dad came.
Was watching golden globes this morning. The next door neighbbour was sunbathing topless in the garden.
Have you tried rocky mountain oysters? They're offal.
My wife felt guilty I found her using a vibrator. She said she was denying me my pleasure. She's using the batteries from the remote
There is nothing worse that realizing the vacation you planned is going to be the same week as her period.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Berlin ! Berlin who ? Berlin maiden over !
Why do the homies call their friend Paragraph? Because he's too short to be an essay
How do you get Akbar to shut up? Muzzle'm.
They cloned a man without his permission. Was he angry? He was just beside himself.
I was playing guitar and someone asked if I could play Wonderwall ...I said maybe..
My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display. How will it work?Remains to be seen.
What is the difference between a girl in a church, and a girl in a bathtub? The girl in the church has hope in her soul, and the girl In the bathtub has soap in her hole.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I'm surprised by on my neighbor's lawn are metal lawn ornaments he's had for 5 years.
What's the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.
Did it Hurt When You Fell From Heaven Straight Into Hell?
How do you prevent a canoe from tipping? Paint it black.
What's the best thing about having sex with Twenty Five year olds? There's 20 of them.
Two guys were playing a game.... Guy 1 says "Game" Guy 2 lost the game You're guy 2 You lost the game
Three blondes walk into a bar You would think at least one of them would have seen it.
Vegans have a special acronym for 'Today I Fucked Up' TOFU
What did one steak say to another? Nice to meat you
What is a Viking's favorite music? Ragnarock
cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov
What's the most romantic pasta? Farfalle. It always gives me butterflies in my stomach.
Does anyone smell that up dog?
Obesity researchers have discovered a new approach to solve the problem. They are now focusing on just making people taller.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly this joke onto /r/jokes everyday
If Trump and Hillary were stranded on a boat, who would survive?? America.
What do you call a group of people from Idaho? Deydahoes.
I need to get off my high horse. He's certainly in no condition to take me anywhere right now. Get yourself together, junkie.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
What do you call a chinese crab who just got dumped? A frustacean
NFL Players + Fireworks =
I don't always tell Dad jokes... But when I do, he laughs.
A woman is just like a condom. If she's not on your dick, she's in your wallet.
Testicles are like grandparents. You don't really pay them too much attention, but you miss them when they're gone.
"Sir, we lost the platoon. All our men are gone." A lone camouflaged fedora is seen in the distance. "not all men"
There's no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That's why it's called faith.
What did one sub-orbital jet propulsion engineer say to the other? This ain't exactly rocket science.
science defines a baby as "a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp"
If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant? Mariska Hargitay
When I was young, I thought girls didn't poop Now I realize they're all full of shit
Where do people keep their gay porn? On a hard drive.
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses? That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's Furniture Emporium...
How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you.
My black friends really enjoy hearing my lame jokes. It's almost like they've never been told dad jokes before...
I was told that at birth I had a choice between perfect memory or a big penis. "I fucking remember" i replied
You know what's a good joke? The CSS of this subreddit
"For people that are hungry but would also like something to drink."  Pitch for Soup
Have you ever had North Korean food? No? Neither have they.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have Bird Flu, you need tweetment. If you have Swine Flu, you need oink-ment.
Why did the sex assault victim get triggered by the pear? Because pear in an anagram for rape.
My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"... That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
A boy says to his step-dad "You're not my real dad", and his step-dad says "you're right, because I'm here right now".
What do you call someone who can't find a job? A Psych major. (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was *two tired*.
So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland. "Occupation?" - The officer asks. "Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"
I've decided to get help with my drug habit. I've managed to convince some friends to give me bulk discounts.
10:00 am: sitting alone at work 10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend 10:06 am: ate my best friend 10:07 am: sitting at work alone
It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
Angela Jolie's scanning the crowd. Anyone who's foreign and underaged goes in the adoption queue. #goldenglobes
How many aardvarks can ride on an elephant? Six... three on the back and three in the trunk!
Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at Sport's Authority? Because he likes Dicks.
"Your voice is so sexy. How can I direct your call, babygirl?" --Smooth Operator
Airport burritos. This could be bad news for the people on my next flight.
What sort of soup do skeletons like? One with plenty of body in it.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker, and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits
So I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar... and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don't know what to do with that information.
Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer
I tried to make my racing snail faster by taking off its shell But that just made it more sluggish
[funeral] WIDOW: ii just cant believe he's gone ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey.....................................well except for the apricot.
Why were the trick-or-treaters wearing grass  skirts? Because it was Hulaween!
There hasn't been a sexual assault that didn't have some Ed Hardy fabric as evidence since 2006.
Son: Dad how do stars die? Dad: Drugs, Usually
I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.
"Is it in yet???" -My ATM, mocking me.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, at least two, provided the lightbulb is big enough.
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware issue.
It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody...
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off of a boat? If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat
It puts the vodka in its mouth or else it sees the ugly girls.
[blind date] (don't let her know ur a dog walker) "So what do u do?" Well, I'm like a- [13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
What do you call a pile of kittens? A Meowntain.
Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you'd think she'd be able to shit. Who knew.
What did the robot say to the centipede? "Stop being a centipede." Get it, because the robot has no arms! Hahhahaha, gets me everytime.
I bet most Braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"
Why can't you suck air through your fist while bobbing your head back and forth? ;}
My dvd got a scratch... so i used sandpaper to smooth it out
A Geeky One Why would The Doctor and Storm get along? Because he is the heart of the storm.
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to screw in the bulb and one to hold the ~~cock~~ ~~father~~ LADDER
What should we name this ancient Japanese throwing knife? A: Let's just name it the first thing that comes to mind, think you can handle that? B: Sure I can.
I'm not racist... I'm not racist, cause racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was WARRGELBLAFFENGAR!!!!!
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid good money for a lentil on my chest. ( credit to the guy who told this on tv Fri night )
What do a basketball player and a beer brewer have in common? They both have hops.
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does  it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
It's so sad... that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs
What does the date inside of a wedding ring stand for? best before...
Pretty sure this dollar store toothpaste is just white paint.
My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.
I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can't kill the same people as the other guy
Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide? He jumped behind an oncoming train.
How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea? Skates!
What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle? Wipe it off and say you're sorry.
An American tourist in Germany... While in Germany, an American tourist saw a man peeing in a fountain. "GROSS!" She said. "Danke!" He said.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC  with a research grant? A: A mad scientist.
What is it called when you are arrested for drunk driving and you extremely regret it? DU-WHY?!
A Blond walks into a Bar "Ouch"
I met a girl who said she wanted to be a mortician... "Yeah!" she exclaimed, "The job market for morticians is really great right now, despite what people say about it being a dying career."
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.... The situation was tense...
I'm devastated. My pet rat Elvis just died. He was caught in a trap
What did the snake day to Adam after he bit the apple? You owe Eve an O.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT
What kind of tea do koalas drink? Euca-lipton
Whats another term for acid? Its on the tip of my tongue...
My wife asked me why I suddenly froze in one position during sex. I said: "It's a new move I learned from PornHub. It's called 'buffering'."
Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs? She was a lesbian.
Diets are like ghosts. They might exist, but I wouldn't know.
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day Even the cake was in tiers.
q: what's green and yellow and hangs from trees? a: gorilla snot.
If you dress in cowboy clothes does that mean you're ranch dressing?
Why was the man suspicous about the tree? I dunno, it seemed a bit shady.
Sean Connery was injured last night in his sleep when some books fell on his head. He could only blame his shelve.
How many homophones does it take to change a lightbulb? Nun.
So glad my boobs don't honk. Talk about a mood-killer.
My dad's not an alcoholic... ...He just collects empty bottles, sounds so much better, doesn't it? ~ Stewart Francis
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I prayed to God for a handbag and he gave it to me It's a blessing and a purse.
The reason i am nervous around women. I showed my first love to a girl, in the forest, but she ran away before i was done digging.
Why wasn't the patient concerned when she was told she had a brain tumor? The doctor said it was all in her head
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing? PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don't know.
Did you hear about the guy who's left arm and leg got cut off? He has **crippling** depression
What is Hodor's favorite cereal? Raisin Bran.
I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" and thought to myself, "Sounds like a fair trade."
Why don't good golfers cheat? Cause they play the fairway.
A baby seal walked into a club... =)
Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don't wear hair to bed.
I was in the Olympics ,I was favorite in the Errection event But only made it to the Semi's
So, let me get this straight. You boast that you shagged my Mum, and I'm supposed to get you a Fathers Day card to say 'thanks'?
What did the doe say when she came out of the woods? I'm never doing that for two bucks again!
What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common? If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.
What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute? A Ronda Rousey fight.
What did the college student say to a banker? I am forever in your debt.
What is a toad's favorite genre of music? Hip hop.
I don't need a girlfriend to get action... The Pokemon servers go down on me all the time.
In the days before the Internet... did black people watch Cops to see what their family and friends were up to?
I'm a 40 yr old man sitting at a Cafe with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I don't mean to brag about my financial skills but, my bank calls me almost everyday to tell me my debt is outstanding
Tonight the 3-year-old asked: "How did God make Himself?" I have to remember to start getting high before bedtime.
My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all. He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books? Me: Have you? Friend: No. Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
So there were these two sisters.. a blonde and a brunette. The brunette goes to her sister and says "I just fucked a brazilian!" The blonde replies "You slut! How many more is that than a million?"
If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there is no women around to hear him is he still wrong?
I hate computer speak My brain just cant PROCESS it.
Frostbite!! It snow joke!!
Who likes bad jokes What do you get when you crash a ford focus with a ford fiesta. A ford fusion
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing.  Because he's Jewish.
whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond? Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds Kid: well what about my name? Mother: never mind about that Richard.
This pun may hurt a bit But I'll tell it to you straight: Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass *...and I'll be seeing myself out*
As a doctor, I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before but let me give it a shot.
How do you get a witch pregnant? You fuck 'er.
I like my women how I like my computer Broken, dead, and in the basement.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom
Whenever I talk to a Mexican I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us It's about 4 ft high, made of wood and there's usually a cash register on top of it.
When's the best time of day to start a diet? 4:00 For:Klock
Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field.
When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.
Sorry, I can't listen to your vegan nonsense right now. I have more important things at steak.
The brain is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked.
A vegan, a crossfitter, and an atheist are sitting in a bar. But you wouldnt know it, thanks to the Texan telling you all about Texas
Maybe there is no baby I'm starting to suspect my wife's been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams Now I'm hungry.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I need to find out what my company needs to do in order to get protests by topless women.
A white man, an arab and an asian walk naked into a bar... ...the bartender yells "Is this some kind of a joke?"
The body is 70% water.. So cool, you're not fat you're just flooded..
I grew up near the man with the record for most concussions. He was just a stone's throw away.
Some kids called me fatty as I walked down the street today. I just turned the other chin.
Do you know why ladies call my penis a flight stick? Because it makes them sore.
First they came for the people who say "Awesome sauce," and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
What do you call Q: what do you call a gay goat? A: a Faggoat
What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite movie? It's fucking Frozen!!!!!
What does it take to have a Beatles reunion? 2 more bullets
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he's just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I'm seriously disappointed by /r/goldbenefits. Not even one name appeared in the Panama papers.
Home is the place where you can scratch your butt and balls exactly where it's itching
A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So the bartender gave it to her
Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water". Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one". Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".
Who were the shortest people in the Bible? Let's see. There'sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, "Silver andgold I have none," and no one could be much shorter than that.
My wife said I should stop telling jokes because my punchlines are always shit. Shit.
Why are pistachios called pistachios? More like "these-are-hard-to-openios"
"You're going to love my friend. He's hilarious." is still the best way to know you're about to meet an annoying person.
If you were arrested for masturbating on a plane... ....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking
I fcuking love it when my girlfriend uses her evil psychotic skills for my benefit and not against me.
What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme
What is a zombie's favorite cereal? Raisin brain.
What do you call a midget in a hospital waiting room constantly complaining about how long he's been waiting? Imp-Patient!
Apples on trees Dad - Hey son, how many apples grow on trees? Son - I don't know Dad, how many? Dad - All apples grow on trees, silly.
What do you call an unsweetened, kosher lemonade? acidic juice
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They rearranged the furniture in the room
My wife told me I'm an emotional, emotional, insecure coward. Now I feel depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid she'll leave me any time. **** Dammit, I spoiled it with the double emotional.
*gives date flowers* Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Charlie Sheen... ... He's on a drug called Zidovudine Too soon?
What do you call an economics lecturer? Prof. it
CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves. Me: I don't rake. CW: Leaves will kill your grass! Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.
A man on his death bed: "Honey, are you here?" "Yes darling" "Ana, are you here?" "I'm here daddy" "John, are you here too?" "Of course daddy" "Then who's in the fucking shop??"
What's the difference between your mom and a condom? A condom wasn't on my dick last night!
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand...... E - I - E - I - O.....
ME: OMG I CAN'T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR HER: do you want dessert? ME: ok, but just a small slice.
What's worse than a pedophile? A fucking pedophile.
North America Sodium, atomic number 11, was first isolated by Humphry Davy in 1807. A chemical component of salt, he named it Na in honor of the saltiest region on earth, North America.
My favorite joke when I was a kid "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Interrupting cow." "Interrupting co..." "MOOOOO!"
Your date leans in and whispers "I'm not wearing panties." You shiver. She continues: "I pooped a little and had to throw them away."
I received an envelope full of semen today The mail came
I got offered a job at McCormick... ...but it was just seasonal work.
I like my women like I like my steak Dead
[man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me.... I said u look really fat in those pants!
An e-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you're not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I went on a tour of a soap factory last week. I forgot which one it was, but I'm sure it will Dawn on me.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
A blonde walks into a bar... Ouch.
To err is human... To arr is pirate.
Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.
What is a German's favorite Pokemon? NEINtales
When the police asked Bernie if he profited from stealing millions of dollars from his former clients he replied, "What do you think i'm Madoff?"
If you drop this book in a pig pen what should you do? Take the words out of their mouths.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet? But most only have 4 :)
you're her boyfriend?! That's cool! I'm her manfriend!
From a funny Twitter post If rather die than commit suicide.
What do you get if you cross the Titanic with The Sixth Sense? Icey dead people.
I was only young when I learned to count....... I was only young when I learned to count. It was odd at first, even then.
If South Carolina is the Game Cocks Their offensive line would be the cock blockers
My friend bet me $5 that I couldn't tell a joke and sneeze... ...at the same time. I tried and tried but finally realized that I'd bitten off more than I could aaaachhooo.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chile ! Chile who? Chile out tonight !
Dark humour is like food Not everyone gets it
I'm trying to teach my cat Java programming... But he keeps complaining about a `NullLaserPointerException`.
Hello everyone. How are we? ...was the capital of Wodesia
My wife told me I'm fantastic at cutting up cheese I told her she's greater
What do you call a gay drive by? A fruit roll up.
I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life
What begins with 'R' and ends with a sentence? Rape
What's the weather like in Iraq ? Sunni in the North Shiite in the South.
Chicken pot pie Three of my favorite things.
I'm not saying your cat doesn't care about you, I'm saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
why do mexicans make refried beans? Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?
What kind of cell phone doesn't have a lock? A Nokia
Why do Japanese women love to eat pixels?
What do you call a bird of prey with high intelligence? A falcon genius.
My newest million dollar idea involves crowdsourcing. So, who has a million dollar idea for me?
My wife broke her SatNav and wants $150 for a new one. She can get lost.
What do you call a Lesbian with long fingers Well Hung
What do you call a Kardassian on a boat? ...A sea Gul
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, "don't do this"
Speaking of short term memory,
Aliens are taking people with . . . . . . .Big Dicks! Dont worry you are safe! Im just telling my favourite alternative news site that i wont be around for a while!
How do you make a 4 year old girl cry twice? Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.
The person who invented knock knock jokes Deserves a *no-bell* prize
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 15 people Then the grenade exploded.
What did the IT guy say when he threw RAM sticks at the stripper? "RAMs a make a dance!"
A midget goes to the doctor and exclaims "doctor! doctor! can you treat me??" Doctor says: "yes, you just have to be a little patient."
What is a Men's Rights activist's idea of foreplay? Trying to argue a prostitute into accepting a credit card.
Are you assholes still playing the lottery with the numbers from Lost?
I stopped drinking and sleeping around Shit got too gonorreal
What do white nationalists call three left turns? An alt-right
When a cop tells you to "spread 'em" he is not flirting.   I know this now.
What time does Sean Connery arrive at the Wimbledon? Tennish.
What's the problem with a Jewish football team? you're gonna need a new squad as soon as soon as they hit the showers
My girlfriend got mahogany breast implants yesterday. I think this joke would be more funny with a punchline. wooden tit?
They say the music you listen too is tied to your personality;I listen to Chris Brown. Two counts of assault and one hit and run.
Where do most illegal immigrants go in America? Allah-bama.
Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.
How do Germans tie their shoes? In little Nazis
A baby boy was born without eyelids. After the circumcision, the doctors used the foreskin to make eyelids. Now he's cockeyed.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer: I saw it through my telescope last night.
I do have a joke about circumcision, but I'll need to cut it short.
I just love that fragrance you're wearing, is that Consent?
My wife bought a new plant for for the house. I didn't like it at first... ...but it's starting to grow on me.
Two peanuts walk down the street... one was a salted
How can you tell your boyfriend has gained weight? You fit into his clothes.
How do thieves kiss? They make out like bandits.
the worst part about hitting a child in public... is getting caught by their parents.
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton gets in a car crash who will survive? America.
We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here, says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
Nancy Reagan gave the ultimate sacrifice today... She'd rather die than see Trump win the GOP nomination
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse, gets the cheese! [Dark humor, I love it!]
What did James Potter say to his wife when she told him she's been cheating with one of his friends ? ARE YOU FUCKING SIRIUS ?
I ate an optimist once, but I couldn't keep him down
Clocks in Heaven
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Part time lover Is any benefit of part time lover. Scheduled time for any
I was asked who my favorite X-Man was Apparently, Kaitlyn Jenner was an inappropriate reply.
Why was the student witch so bad at essays?  Because she couldn't spell properly.
Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons... It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.
A man walks into a bar... ... ouch.
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha
My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace. After a few hours I finally found the exit.
My friend was harassing me with bird puns But toucan play at that game.
What do you call a Viking pop band with a big gay following? The Pillage People.
I went to the gym and did a negative pullup today. It was a letdown.
A girl has taking home a very handsome guy... ... to spend the night. When he unzips she bursts out: - "Oh! I've never been with a circumcised guy before" - "I'm not. This is just wear n' tear"
Did you know Helen Keller is on the back of the Alabama quarter? "No, and I bet she hasn't heard about it." "She probably hasn't seen it either."
What does a dog do that a man steps in? Pants
What's worse than morning wood? Mourning wood
I decided to rob a blood bank They caught me red-handed.
I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines. What can I say, I have issues.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I have a dead budgie for sale You may want it, but it's not going cheap.
In 2016 Scott Baio has called Hillary Clinton a cunt, Chris Christie has called her a criminal and Ben Carson has called her a Lucifer worshiper. What will they call her in 2017? Madam President.
A guy goes to a record store to pick up a Meshuggah CD... but he can't because it's too heavy.
Do you know why Bill Cosby likes Jam more than he likes Jelly? Because he can't jelly his dick in someone.
My SO thinks it's sexy to bite her lip... I haven't got the heart to tell her it should be the bottom one....
What do you call a Mexican with a broken lawnmower Unemployed
I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction. I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.
Life without internet is like a house without a bathroom... What are you supposed to do? Go outside n' shit?
Why don't women tip bartenders? They don't give a tip because they take the tip.
If I have an erection for more than 4 hours, she is going to need to see a doctor.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Why do you keep going back to that fishing  website? I can't help it I'm hooked.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer. Brrrr it's cold in this doghouse :(
Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a mohawk.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Why was the young strawberry upset? Cause his mom was in a jam. :(
Man who washes with dog toy becomes squeaky clean
I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say "no, in fact, I'm just getting started"
Boy: Dad dad there's a spider in the bath.  Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before. Boy: Yes but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!
The difference between reddit and college is ... You get a piece of paper at the end of college.
Apparently the stock downturn has a lot to do with a big gas plant going offline. I guess the gas was argon.
Does the world really need another rhetorical question?
What does the NFL and Broke Back Mountain have in common? Cowboys that suck.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
What do you call two mexicans playing tennis? Juan on Juan.
My grandfather died at Auschwitz He got drunk and fell out of a guard tower
Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it  around.
People making jokes about communism are all sharing laughs
Every time I listen to oldies I'm like, "These people didn't even have cellphones. What the fuck do they know about love?"
Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not
I've turned the wifi off. The 15yo's world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse. Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Everyone's making Mayan jokes Like there's no tomorrow!
"My water-bowl wasn't filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes." --Cats
The wind is such a whore... ...it blows everyone.
What do errant Jewish golfers shout? Three ninety eight!
I only trust people that like big butts. ...they can not lie.
I just called. To say. I texted you.
Femi-Nazi Moderator Free speech to hell
A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar... He orders a beer.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn't she?
Donald Trump has one good point but if he combs his hair right you hardly notice.
A 2 man plane crashes into a graveyard... so far they've found hundreds of bodies
What happened to the guy who grabbed the Viagra instead of the Allegra? ...he had a hard time with his allergies
Why was the graveyard so noisy? Because of all the coffin.
Paris Hilton's chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead whore? I cried when I cut up the onion. (Jack the Ripper)
NSFW Your dick's like Mt. Everest... It's hard to get up
Do black people get sunburns? I don't know... Most prisons are indoors.
What did the guy say after he finished jacking off? Well that got a load off my mind.
Teacher: Alright! Is everyone ready for the geography quiz? Student: There's a quiz today?!? I'm not ready! Teacher: Well, how much of the textbook have you read? Student: Nunavut!
a thing I like about Nintendo is it's often possible to enjoy one of their games in its entirety without murdering anybody
Penn State Prefers to be losing at half time.. Because at Penn State they like when you are a little behind in the locker room. - South Park
How does a mathematician swear? Math-you.
(NSFW?) What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me I'm going in
How do you confuse Hellen Keller? Give her a basketball, and tell her to read it.
If The Bachelor was realistic they'd ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I have a physical limitation from achieving any of my goals My fucking spine. Holds me back.
What do you call a zombie musician? A decomposer.
what is the disease that killed princes diana? Car pole tunnel syndrome
*sniffs date's hair* [later on in ambulance] "no, it's my fault for not mentioning I'm allergic to japanese cherry blossoms"
Wife told me to stop obsessing over monkeys I thought she was joking, then I saw her face
After DST I stopped to visit my dyslexic friend... http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/12d1747cd7/the-agony-of-dyslexia
American beer is like having sex in a canoe It's fucking close to water (Heard from Monty Python)
What did one giant squid say to the other giant squid? What's Kraken!
Why would you get mad? Because you cant take a joke.
Did you hear the joke about the Hassidic jew dentist who only puts braces on every third tooth? He's an unorthodox orthodox orthodontist
Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash. This divorce thing is really working out for me.
My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I know you're not supposed to question doctors, but it's weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California. Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too? Me: and Saturn.
Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods... ...?
Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.
What did the grape say when I stepped on it? Nothing, but it gave up a little whine.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
When you ask if I want fries or salad, I'll pretend it's a tough choice and we'll enjoy a genial laugh before you bring me more ketchup.
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef strokinoff
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
What does IRE-1 say to XBP1 mRNA? Prepare to get RIDD of your intron.
My husband's new prescription glasses is not working He still can't see things my way. ^Credits ^to ^the ^original ^twitter ^post.
One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we're 85% less scared of him
Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? It heard the referee was blowing fowls
What's more disgusting than a hickey on a haemorrhoid? The girl who puts it there.
Did you hear the one about the guy who got two tickets to the Cuckold Convention? His wife ended up taking someone else.
All the girls I've ever kissed can agree on one thing. It's weird that I have a beak.
What do you call someone who doesn't like food fights? A pasta-fist.
[job interview] Says here you're good with nicknames? "I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man" *under his breath* holy shit he's good
Why did the mummy cry himself to sleep every night? Because he was empty inside.
How did the Mexican want his sex? Orale, homes!
I changed my Ipod's name to Titanic Its Syncing
yes off course i'm an American My friend calls me up and asks "Hey are you free tonight?" And I say of course, I'm American
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
What's do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino? 'ell if I know.
What is cold, grey, and ugly? Me after I take all the Nyquil and die. Also, Janet Reno.
For all the single ladies out there, here is my number: 4/10
My friend is majoring in Gender Studies. He's been a broad for the past semester.
Jesus may have walked on water but Steven Hawking runs.. ..on batteries.
The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."
Why did the chess master order a Russian bride? He needed a Chech mate!
BREAKING: Millions of young white girls scream themselves unconscious as the new iPhone color is revealed to be Pumpkin Spice Latte.
What is it? What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? The fat kid in my trunk.
You know you are out of luck.. You know you are out of luck, when you ass-fuck your GF and still end up with a kid !
What's green, slimey and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
A Mexican once tried to steal my golf clubs.. so I had to shoot a hole-in-juan.
What is the equivalent to Area-51 in Canada? Area-51, A
" Let me be perfectly clear" - My Aquarium
I'm not a huge fan homeopathy... ...but I guess it's okay in small amounts.
turns out the 'kkk' are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages :(
How did the toad feel in the morning? A little bit froggy
Where did Mary go after the explosion?? EVERYWHERE!
Delete me , Poke me, Like me, Limit me ..The choice is yours... Facebook, where no one really gives a fuck!!
Why did the blonde climb the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
Is the reason why all of the Pokemon professors are named after trees because They embark you on your journey?
Hey buddy. How late does the band play? About half a beat behind the drummer.
I don't trust umbrellas. They're shady.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers "apps"
I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night. She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.
"It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate
[looking at ceiling of Sistine Chapel] mmm its a little busy.
How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production? They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure
What did the secretary say to Bill Clinton after his inauguration speech? Wow, that was quite a mouthful.
Where did the one legged waitress work? IHOP
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Why do jews like jail Because of all the shackles.....im terribly sorry
My teacher accused my of plagiarism on my calculus paper She said my work was very derivative
I had to dump my cross eyed girlfriend I think she was seeing someone else
I'm no scientist but you're an idiot.
Why won't Microsoft hire any maids? Because they don't do Windows
I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language... ...entirely out of tattoos.
What did the cell say when its sister stepped on it's toe? Mitosis!
I just answered someones question with..... I Reckon. and now I have to move to Oklahoma.
WHY DID HITLER COMMIT SUICIDE? Why did Hitler commit suicide? Because he saw his gas bill.
Did I mention ... I can't believe it's nearly Christmas. I once tried to balance a board on two wheels. Did I mention I make terrible segways?
Bilbo Baggins walks into a strip club and sees his cousin making it rain on a stripper. Unimpressed by this, he proceeds to shout... ..."Don't Fro Doh".
Confucius say..... Confucius say man drunk in cemetery make grave mistakes
I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
"Sir, I need to ask you to please stop spanking your monkey. This is a bank." "Fine, but I'm never coming here again. Come on, George."
Why did the guy give up connecting his controller to his Xbox? He was syncing too much time into it.
My Doctor told me I had the Big C. I asked him to be more pacific.
Did you hear that the coprophiliac Scotsman is engaged to be married? They're so cute together; apparently, it was love at first shite.
I've decided to start carrying a knife. After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
What's a caterpillar afraid of? A dogerpillar (Thank you Laffy Taffy for the ~~worst~~ best joke I've ever heard)
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend "Ice Cube dies" before they watch it. They'll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I'm trying to watch this with my mom
What is the speed limit of sex? 68, because at 69 you have to turn around.
I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.
i'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in france i've heard it's nice.
Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says "Oh no she didn't!", she in fact, did.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like "WHY is this shit still here?"
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
How to have a seance Ance. Ok you're turn.
I measured my penis today and it said 11.7 inches. Then I realized the ruler was backwards. Credit to /u/TodoJaw21
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? French onion soup.
Man outside walmart is asking for donations for the drug and alcohol outreach program You mean there's people who don't have access to them?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: You're gorgeous Her: OMG that is so sweet, c'mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would to if ur name was arrghhvjvjvkkrhvy
Roger Goodell
DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it's healed completely, you'll need to wear this *places cone around patient's neck*
What do you get when you cross dancing and an act of god? Deus Ex Macarena
Ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
What do you call sex with an ex? sex
What be a pirate's favorite letter? Ah, ye'd think it be R matey.... but actually it's the C!
For Christmas my wife wanted something that went from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds. So I bought her a scale.
I got a tattoo in memory of MH370... You'll never find it.
Researchers found a deep-ocean microbe which could explain transition from simple to complex cells However, it passed away before it even had begun explaining.
Why is Helium so trustworthy? Because HE's noble.
I was thinking about where Luke Skywalker goes to buy his change of clothes while talking to my girlfriend. Me: I wonder where Luke Skywalker buys his clothes. Her: The Darth Maul. ;) I love my life.
How do you celebrate Christopher Columbus day? Barge into your neighbor's home and claim it as yours.
*snail Olympics* How does it feel? "Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon" And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow? "What"
A woman is watching the food channel... Her husband says: why are you watching this? You can't even cook! She replies: you watch porn all day long and I dont even say anything!
I owe my love of bukkake all to my dad When I was a child, he really rubbed off on me.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands.
How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse at a hospital? She's the one with the dirty knees.
What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now? Kids.
Two Apple Farmers, a baby, and an extremely agitated Sugar Glider walk into a bar... ... ... ... ... ... I don't remember how it ends but your mothers a whore.
I would literally never feel confident enough to drop a piece of equipment as expensive as a mic.
*mugger snatching Elsa's purse Elsa: LET IT GO! Mugger: LET IT GO! Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE! Mugger: LET IT GO! Elsa: LET IT GO!
While single, focus on becoming a better person instead of focusing on finding someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.
America is finally getting around to banning some dangerous weapons after the latest mass shooting Its a shame nobody was killed by a flag
What does a Latina like on her bagel? Papi seeds.
Yo mamma is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping from the basement window.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it's ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I was gonna make a chemistry joke Then i realized all the good ones argon.
An 80's style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.
Why did the Libertarian Cross the Road? None of your Damn Business. Am I being detained?
British politics is like a gym. Everyone laughs when they see youkip.
What's brown and sticky? Poo!
My throat has been sore ever since I ate that tin of beef. I think it felt a little horse. Thank you. Tip your waitress.
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick I just get so tired of calling him David
Better to be somebody's dog than everybody's BITCH !!! Every dog will have his day, remember ?
I heard Bill Cosby made a sex tape.... Twice as strong as duct tape.
A tangent applied for a credit card, but was denied. He couldn't find anyone willing to cosine.
lady, cut my neck open with trimmers, i dont care, but if you try and start a conversation with me im never coming back to this Supercuts
You know those dirty movies that come on late at night? If one of those actresses doesn't feel comfortable doing a certain dirty scene, they use a cunt double
Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? The Burger King forgot to cover his whopper
*turns on notifications* Notifications: I have a boyfriend
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have...
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh Prince
Someone's written an album about thermometers... I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.
what's brown and rhymes with snoop? dr. dre
They finally caught the 'Subway Pervert' today. Someone saw him get off at Times Square.
It was so hard getting out of bed this morning Thank god for elastic boxer shorts
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like's over & nothing's on fire.
What do Donald Trump's Toupee and a thong have in common? They both barely cover the asshole!
Thanks for letting everyone on facebook know your phone is broken. I was already thinking about never calling or texting you anyway.
Why i'm leaving r/Jokes... I have to go to the store, but I'll be back in an hour...
Why does a dirvorce cost so much? Because it's worth it
HER: I'm leaving you ME: Is it because I'm too literal? HER: no it's just we're not working out ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Friends are like snowflakes... If you pee on them, they'll dissapear.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
Don't just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
A man finds 3 magic lamps in the Sahara.... ...he says "Damn, I wish there was an outlet.".
I hate porn that develops too much story line. I actually watched till the end and forgot to
I finally found out why clickbait is so effective.
What do FBI agents grill for the 4th of July? Hillary.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Why did the movie scene have a rusty pan? Because Rusty thought the scene in the book was better. I'll show myself out. This is a horrible joke.
I love Fight Club! I showed up a little late so I missed the first few rules but I can't wait to go next week!
Five chickens leave Topeka traveling west at 25 mph. Please help me find them chickens. Those are my chickens.
Accidently played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear. Now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
What did they call the Pillsbury Doughboy after he hurt his leg? Limp Biscuit
What does getting pregnant and locking your car keys in your car have in common? They can both be fixed with a coat hanger.
I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand "What will it be for you, my friend?" - the vendor asks. "Make me one with everything"
What does a nosey pepper do? He's Jalapeno business
phone call Wife: Want a free couch? Me: Free? Yes! Wife: How do we pick it up? Me: Lift with your legs, not your back. Wife: *click*
Why does Waldo always wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
I've got a really crappy joke for you... ... Nevermind, it's too corny.
What will Russians be cooking for Thanksgiving...? Turkey
What do you call Dementors that breed? Sementors.
Want to hear something clean? I took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear something dirty? Bubbles is my neighbor.
What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me there's something that smells.
"Doctor I'm invisible!" "I'm sorry sir. I can't see you right now"
I have one alcoholic beverage and they call me an alcoholic But when I have a Fanta, no one calls me fantastic.
What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.
Did you know that food coloring is very bad for you? If you happen to drink too much you will dye.
After the poor quality of the front page lately This new algorithm better be so good I can read about news before it happens
I don't see the point of class reunions anymore now that Facebook exists.
Men and women are like cats and dogs... You can't have sex with them in public.
Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Freedom Isn't Free, So Stop Whining And Pay Your Taxes.
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen
Before you reply angrily at a tweet, just ask yourself if you'd yell at a retarded kid for screaming irrelevant shit into a megaphone.
I feel like a mentally disabled person with an Australian accent would be the most annoying thing ever.
Texting back and forth with a wrong number. I'm all "Dude! Let's be BFF's!". He/she is all "Stop texting me". CLASSIC him/her!
A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest... are sitting on a park bench when a kid walks by. The Catholic Priest says, "We should screw him!" and the Rabbi says, "Out of what?"
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
What's brown, long, and sticky? A stick.
An insolent teenager stomps off to her room... Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!" Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"
I asked a Chinese girl for her number... She said "sex! sex! sex! Free sex tonight!" I said "wow" Then her friend said," she means 666-3629"
Everyone keeps saying "0scars r our Olympics!" O for f*ck sake. And our Pussy Riot is Justin Beiber fighting Shia lebeouf
Why didn't the blind man want a seeing eye dog? He wasnt about to take directions from some bitch
With the recent events in the news... My Facebook friends list is starting to look like the French revolution.
Let's hear some Confucius Jokes I'll start Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy.
My wife left me because I couldn't control my pasta touching fetish... I'm feeling cannelloni right now
It's hard to tell a joke to Thieves... They always take things, literally.
I'm at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I'm half naked & being chased by my TC's wife who found me in his closet.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? It's hard to pick one, but the flag is a big plus.
The first of Jay-Z's 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
What do you call a stock market crash in Japan? The "My Yen" Apocalypse
What is green and smells like pork? Kermits finger...
I'm part of a club for people with parkinson's We have our own hand shake
How do you cure a mute coworker? Tell them a secret
What did the fisherman say to the fisherwoman? Your place or mine
What was the yacht doing while it played heavy metal music? Dokken
whats a feminist least favorite football team? MANchester united
"That chicken died for you" - how I get my kids to eat chicken
R.I.P to my good friend Brian Eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies.
Knock Knock Whos there Daisy Daisy who Daisy me rollin they hatin
So a skinhead walks into a Jewish bakery... A skinhead walking into a Jewish bakery and asks, "How much does the challah cost?"
Whenever I game on my Note 7 I always have such a blast
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Why do Asians have squinty eye balls? Because Atomic Bombs are pretty bright...
What do you call the ghost of a dessert-chef who returns no matter how many times they're exorcised? A boo-meringue
I met a girl with 12 nipples today. She was a bitch.
What do Coors Light and sex on the beach have in common? They're both fucking close to water. (credit goes to my dad for this one...)
What idiot decided to call it chewing tobacco instead of chewbacca?
What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Good news for insomniacs Only three more sleeps til Christmas!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb has to do the changing.
How do you call black guy that missed his train? Nigga, you racist!
Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
What does a suicidal teenager do on the weekends? Hang at home.
You know what isn't a joke? Hitlers gas bill.
What happened when a cannibal went on a  self-catering holiday? He ate himself.
A German man and his son walk into a bar... A German man and his son walk into a bar. The man points to his son and says "Ein Bier bitte". Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your Kind here".
What would happen if you shot Donald Trump in the rump? You'd hit Christi in the head!
Two wrongs don't make a right, but do you know what two Wrights make? An airplane.
Finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet? "Sir, this is a liquor store."
What did the Alabama Police officer call the black guy who had been shot 6 times in the head? The worst case of suicide he ever saw
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
My friend just told me I don't know how to make jokes. That's shit because I once sent ten of my puns to an online contest. No, they didn't make it to the finals... No pun in ten did.
So a man walks into a bar... It must have hurt like a sonuvabitch.
If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump.
Last night I had a bad dream about a nocturnal horse It was a real night-mare
Who is al-Quaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
How was Snoop Dogg murdered? Blunt force trauma.
What do you call a person who teaches about Drones? Dronacharya
I'm jealous of turtles because if they don't want to talk to someone, they're like "Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later."
Where do steers go to dance? To the Meat Ball!
What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Lukewarm.
Why does no one care that space is a vacuum? Oh it doesn't really matter.
Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children.
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They both come when you're alseep.
What do you call a drug-addicted vampire? Crackula
What do you name a combination Gay Conversion Camp/Coma Ward? Fruits &amp; Vegetables.
What does a tornado and a black person have in common? It only takes one to ruin a good neighbourhood!
I wish dreams were like Chatroulette and you could just click "Next" when you see a guy in a Mickey Mouse costume jerking off.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? You light on fire. *woof*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop? 5: *doesn't look up* I already know them.
Last night my black colleague....... Last night my black colleague walked away with the 'Employee of the year' award. Luckily security stopped him at the door.
I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now update your Facebook status.
Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.
Doesn't count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights! "Your what?" You know, my... [mumbles] banana rights.
Why can't some people help being born Chinese? Because there's nothing wong with it.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ? Well. Then I'm a dragon.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Bugs Barbie ...buck teeth long ears
A seal walks into a club.
My father grounded me... He said if he ever saw me in front of the computer he'd smash my face in the keybouvuvwevwevwe Onyetenyevwe Ugwemubwem Ossass
i went to a bookshop And asked for a book about tortoises. The woman asked "hardback?" I said "yeah, and little heads."
A spider just crawled onto my keyboard. Don't worry, it's under ctrl.
What is the fastest animal in the world? The Ethiopian chicken.
Why do mice have long tails ? Well they'd look silly with long hair !
What did the people call the bad hot dog stand? The WURST!
How far can you run into the woods? Halfway, any further and you're running out.
What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common? The same middle name. (Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)
how to be a good DJ? press "PLAY" and don't touch anything ever again
How do you know when a blond is having a bad day? Because a tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say... "Are you ready to take this shit to a whole new level?!"
Did you hear about the shooting at the Dyslexic makeup factory? It was a total mascara.
I just yelled 'Jayden' at the mall and now I'm a mom to like 20 kids.
With great power comes.. An expensive electricity bill
Add "in my pants" after a song name Shake that laffy taffy in my pants
Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.
The sign at the McDonald's I just passed says "We hiring" in case you're wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.
Dinosaur grandparents probably made racist remarks about mammals as their grandkids listened in horror.
So a German installs a bath around his desk... BADUMTISCH
If two gangsta vegetarians are arguing... Is it still considered beef?
I was going to make a gay joke butt fuck it.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there's a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
What do you call social networking for magical creatures? Faebook.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Me:What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat? 6: no M: oh for the bath? 6: no M: the pool? 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
There's no "u" in employee. You're fired.
"I would absolutely say I'm an introvert!" - Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Can february march? No, but april may. ~~ sorry, I just love bad jokes~~
The War on Terrorism.... ....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans.
Playing truant from school is like a credit card Fun now pay later !
I think my 2 year old wants to move to Iowa. She points to everything and says "Des Moines."
Nintendo recently acquired a printing press Word is, they're using it to create legal Nin-tender
We don't have to worry about Trump having the nuclear launch codes. His hands are too small to push the button.
You can read his mind in his face. Yes it's usually a complete blank.
the worst part about a shark eating your legs off is when you realise your wallet was in your pocket
If her age isn't on the clock, she is ready for the cock.
A Rabbi, a Canadian, and a New Yorker walk into a bar Just kidding the Rabbi was actually a terrorist and they all died in the explosion!
My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like Watt
I had an idea for a hot air balloon underwear company. I couldn't get it off the ground.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Why is six afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender...
What did the Vietnamese sandwich salesman say to the unhappy mod? Banh mi
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score! ME: y'know they're just numbers on a screen right? they don't mean anything [checks follower count]
Went to a shrink today. She said I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the  rest from the other b*tch!
How do you unpoopify water? Boil the shit out of it.
Holiday sex is the best sex ever..... That was the hardest postcard from my wife to read!
What's the dieeference between /r/Showerthoughts and /r/jokes?
Why wouldn't the mouse tell the police where he hid the cheese? Because he's not a rat.
Matthew McConaughay is for Matthew McConaughorses
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? Me and my running friends always run 5Ks, but now they want to run 10K races and I really hate running 10Ks
What country has the highest concentration of pool players? Irack.
What do you call a short psychic who got away with murder? A small medium at large
Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four? Me: i have no idea what he's for
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we'd still marry each other? {turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town Not a creature was Tweeting, cause favstar was down.
My friend asked me how it felt to be able to say that i was married I said that "It has a nice ring to it"
Siri, are you a funny reference any more?
UFO conspirators believe theres been an invasion... ... They have reported an incredibly high amount of aliens at California DMV's.
B-E-F-O-R-E not b4. We speak English not fuc?ing bingo.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that's only like 11 days
What do some people have against cheeseburgers? They say 'Burgers can't be cheesy!'
Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for  screwing? A: The balls are lighter and you don't have to change shoes.
So we didn't get the first woman President, it's an even bigger step... ...the first developmentally disabled President!
What do you do when your Apple device gets warm? Ask apple to open the backdoor.
What do you call a mexican barber? El Chapo
What do you call a black preist? Holy shit.
What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
What's a stoner's favorite cheese? Mun Cheese!
My friend ran into a tree with his brand new car... He found out his Mercedes bends
A guy gans into the butcher's... ... and says "Gie us a steak and kidley pie." So the butcher laughs and goes "You just said kidley." And the goes "Naw, I didley."
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My mate threw a beer bottle at my head It didn't break the skin but it left a nasty Brews
Why doesn't Jesus play basketball anymore? Because he got all crossed up...
What's common to both Adolf Hitler and Volkswagen? Both of them can kill people with poisonous fumes
Q: What do you get Devin Hester for Christmas?? A: Nothing - he'll just return it!
Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.
Trump Tower and Michael Phelps Between Michael Phelps and Trump Tower, it has been the biggest week for suction cups in the history of mankind.
How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask? He claims to be your father. Edit: it's just a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.
Used tampons should be hung outside for the mosquito
Couldn't afford the "Wheres Waldo" book for my baby niece so I just Tivo'd the winter X-games and told her to find a black man in the stands
Asians are such bad drivers I am beginning to think Pearl Harbor was an accident. Just jacked this from a comment on ask Reddit....thought it should be shared.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn't be able to stop until I'd added glasses and a moustache.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the gays guys house. Part 2: knock knock Who's there? The chicken
What do you call someone who is skilled with their mouth? A cunning linguist.
Don't you love it when you order salt at McDonald's and you accidentally get some fries!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A doyouthinkhe-saurus
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? Addictionary. ...or a High Definition.
I promised myself to quit smoking once I graduated. So I dropped out.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it's not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
What is invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts.
They told me to imagine a guy holding a jug full of water. But I just couldn't pitcher it.
Hold.. Hold.. Hold.. CHARGE!!!!! -Ice at the bottom of a glass
Management tip: 1) Slam phone down, 2) Grab briefcase, 3) Stomp out while mumbling about "always having to fix things," 4) Sleep in car.
Rodman, Rogen and Jong-un walk into a bar...(add your punchline because I don't have un!)
You say potato, I say put out, ho. Otherwise, I'm calling the whole thing off.
78% of black people like sex in the shower. The other 22% haven't been to prison yet.
I took my girlfriend bungee jumping. As her body hit and spread out over the rocks below, I thought, "That'll teach you to lie about your weight."
I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
Me: I've had this for 3 weeks & I'm still single! HomeDepot Clerk: ma'am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall Me: that was unclear
I already know what I want to be when I get older.. Younger
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
Men do not have multiple orgasms like women do because if they did they would never be able to get out of the fucking shower.
The other day my European friend ask me about our views on lesbians in this country. Apparently, "usually in HD" was not the answer she was looking for P.S sorry english not my native language
Two Arabs walk into a bar
Did you hear about the guy who chugged 8 cokes? He burped 7-Up
[trying to talk to girl] Ha so you from around here? "Ya" Cool me too. I love planet earth
Where do you send Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder? Concentration camp.
Why did the redditor go to /r/zelda? To boost his link karma!
A woman asks her friend, "Is your husband circumcised?" Her friend replies, "No, he's a complete dick."
I was going to come on here and make a Trump/Hitler/Jew joke But then it was loxed by the moderators.
Not all astrophysicists are bad. I'm sure at least one of them's a really Feynman.
Knock Knock -Who's there? -The pilot. Let me in
"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the owner asked the vet. The vet replied "You certainly will and you'll probably beat her too!"
Are you looking for work spreading the word of Jesus? Because I can offer you the missionary position.
Why was the iPhone 7 so embarrassed? He was caught jacking off.
What's your most messed up/morally wrong joke?
If electricity is always directing itself to the least resistant, where would it go? The French
My girlfriend wouldn't let me play orchestral music during sex... We eventually came to an arrangement.
What do you get when you cross a person and a manatee? HUMANITY! ...And bestiality....
A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control.
She was only a lumberjack's daughter ... ... but she always gave me wood.
Did you hear about the dating website for old people? "I've Fallen In Love And I Can't Get Up"
How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy? Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
What do you call a witch who only eats sand? Malnourished.
I'm as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
It's so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I had an amazing racist joke to tell... ...but a black guy stole it.
Fishermen... ...are reel men.
learning from mistakes is for people who recognise that they make mistakes. i dont give a shit
What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a bath? The nun has hope in her soul, and the woman has soap in her hole. EDIT: NSFW?
What do you call an object used as seating that can fly? A rocket lawn-chair.
Dinosaurs went extinct because they heard Chuck Norris was coming.
What's the most electronegative state? Fluorida!
What really makes Whinny the Pooh angry? When other people put two fingers in his honey.
When you hold me, I'd prefer it not be "accountable."
What do you call a cow with no legs.. Ground beef
I once wanted to start a pessimist club, but I knew it would never work.
A black lady named Betty walks into a butcher shop that's always running out of things and ask for some beef The butcher replies "No black Betty, ham or lamb?"
What's a mouse's favourite record ? Please cheese me !
They say breaking a mirror is the worst because you get 7 years bad luck OH PLEASE!!! Try breaking a condom!
What did they call Fireman Sam after he retired? "That fat, selfish faggot that chose the pension over saving our lives."
Babies are like tattoos. They're yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they're not all gross looking.
I robbed a bank dressed as a frog the other day It was the first time I Kermit-ed a crime
My friend William joined the army He is uncomfortable with the phrase "Fire at Will"
If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
I'm at my most immature when girls misspell "cologne" and start talking about how bad a man's colon smells
Minimize vs Close in 2014 In 2080: there were some dumb computer users who thought if they click on 'x' in Skype it will close it.
What do you call Billy Mays when he says something stupid? An OxyMoron!
What do you call a traveling Pope? A Roamin' Catholic.
Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears shampoo.
My friend got a job as a metronome. I said, is that a regular thing?
Did you hear about the ghost who enjoyed doing housework? He used to go round with the oooo-ver.
The worst thing about being a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac ...is that you stay up all night contemplating the existence of dog.
What Should You Do After Ireland Wins The World Cup Turn off Fifa and go to bed
Today was a great day 10/10
The only chance of me reaching the third base ever... ...is while playing baseball
it is so good that there are millions of movie & famous people quotes you can use instead of having to think of something interesting to say
Who did the chickens vote for president? Baraaaaaak Obama
Do you know how to tell your ass from a hole in the ground? Stick your finger in and try to walk away.
I will NEVER go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of broken rubber, no way am I leaving the same way
My door bell rang this morning. I didn't even know it had a phone.
Two guys walk into a bar... the next one ducks.
Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.
A pianist is currently on trial. He was accused of fingering A Minor.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it's the pug
What ghost did Ebenezer Scrooge encounter when he refurnished his home? The shadow of his former shelf.
What did the physics professor shout when he disproved Hooke's Law in early to mid March? Spring break!
How many women does it take to make me a sandwich? What the fuck are you waiting for bitch? Get in there and make me a fucking sandwich!!!
This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."
Here's a joke I made when I was a kid: What do you call an empty anthill? VacANT! . . . I'm sorry.
"I want my country back" is a fair and accurate thing to say if at one point in your life you owned the country.
A girl tells her parents she's going to major in psychology "Hey mom! Hey dad! I'm gonna study a real science! PSYCH!"
A duck goes into a drug store He says gimee some chap stick put it on my bill
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? About halfway
Ancient Chinese proverb say man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day
What does Polynomial Man say when you beat him? Youve foiled my plans again!
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A Buck-An-Ear
What's a german's favourite number? Nein
Are you a hydroelectric source of power? ...cause dam!
3849. Buying picture frame. 3850. Changing batteries in flashlight. 3851. The X-Games. 3852. Scotch tape. (List of most exciting things.)
What happens when a fly drinks rum? It gets buzzed!
My wife asked me to grow a beard I didn't like it at first but it's really growing on me
I call my email my "memail" because it's filled with personal mails just for me. Here's a heartfelt letter from the Gap. Right in my memail.
Yo son, do you like nachos? "Hell yeah!" *son goes in for high 5* That's good, 'cause I'm nacho real dad *rejects high 5* You're adopted lol
How can you tell if someone is from New York? They always talk about how they're from New York.
Why don't seagulls fly over bays? because then they'd be called bagels!
My friend says he's doing good he means well
My wife wasn't amused... Her: Be careful traffic is crazy. Me: If I can handle you, traffic should be a cinch!
My 21yr old son: "Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support" *slow wink*
I didn't believe my friend that you can't get big muscles without supplements ... Turns out it's the only whey
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist? Because she thought everybody loved her.
If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."
What do you call a doctor for websites? A URLologist
Has legs, but don't walk... has feathers but it is not a chicken... What it is? A dead horse with a duster in his ass
Joke from my dad while in the car What does it mean when a pedestrian has the right of way? When you see a pedestrian, youve got to get them, right away
Glockenspiel Germanic efficiency brought to the game of Russian roulette.
'Marley and Me' has a sequel! It's called 'Me'...
Woman goes to a psychiatrist convinced her house is made of celery. Psychiatrist tells her he's seen this sort of thing before ... it's called stalk home syndrome.
What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7-up for a living? A Poptometrist!
I almost banged my wife in the ass last night.. Coworker: Well, what happened? Me: She woke up!
[NSFW] I like my men like I like my coffee liquified in my favorite mug
What is a thing that Alan Rickman and David Bowie both have in common? It is that they have both recently become deceased.
A chicken that gets it's B's and F's mixed up... sure would sound fowl.
Haha my cousin's safeword is "chalice." (We don't have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I have been struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide but my friends have been very supportive... they insist that I go through with it.
Where did all the cuts and blood come from? The school went on a trip!
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra] "We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time."
iPhone 8 Screen [REMOVED]
Joke It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
What's purple-headed and makes women moan? Crib death.
" Wake up, little Suuuzzie, wake up " - The Everly Brothers accidentally kill another hooker
Do you know what the arch enemies of skinheads are? Blackheads.
Why do men die before their wives? They *want* to
The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.
This Post just says it all! It all.
People never point out how awesome Meth is for weight loss.
Reddit, tell me the most offensive joke you know. [NSFW]
Just an internet explorer joke Loading...
Those a-hole guys on "Teen Mom" don't think being a dad is "cool." Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so "swag! " lol
once a woman in the mall said "isn't everything cuter with babies?!" and jeff replied "not coffins" and just stared at her until she cried
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair
A woman goes to the doctor... The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?" She responds, "Every time I sneeze, I orgasm" The doctor ask, "Are you taking anything for it?" "Yeah, pepper."
Where do you go in the room when you're cold? The corner, it's 90 degrees.
What does NASCAR stand for? Non-athletic-sport-centered-around-rednecks (I heard this forever ago and wanted to share. Sorry if it happens to be a repost.)
What does Hitler drink every morning? Concentrated Jews
Welcome to America's Next Top Teen! Smoke these drugs, piierce your face, burn some books, swear at your parents
What is an archaeologist ? Someone who's career is in ruins !
Bernie Sanders again topped in campaign contributions with most of donations being small contributors... Leave it to a fuckin' jew to rob poor plebs of all their money!
What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this sh*t.
Q: Who is Scooby-Doo's evil twin? A: Scooby-Don't.
*Party dog shows up at funeral* *He barks, the corpse turns into a keg* *Everyone runs out screaming except Uncle Steve, who likes to party*
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
What do you call a gas station that sells crabs? A crustacean.
What do you call a Polish fisherman? A fishing pole.
"Your word is their..." "Your word is their," said the spelling bee judge. The contestant, confused, asked for a sentence. "They're looking for their dog over there," replied the judge.
What is the average lifespan of an owl? A little over 6 books.
What did one Mexican say to the other Mexican? It's four-twenty Juan!
I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I'm going to haunt grows everyday.
Knock Knock Who's there? IP IP Who Haha...that's nice r/eli5 it's funny because it sounds like I poo
"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?"
How do you call someone named olaf with ebola? Ebolaf
I told my friend that playing with money was not funny, He told me that I had no cents of humor.
Welche vier Flusse kennt jede Blondine? Rhein, Inn, Main, Po
Magic Q: What does "Magic" stand for in Ervin "Magic" Johnsons' name? A: **M**y **A**ss **G**ot **I**nfected **C**oach!
CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.
Buy this car, this is a good car, you could put a bunch of ducks in this car, probably 30-40 ducks
"Why do rednecks act like such morons?'' "Who says they're acting?"
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Jared Fogle will feel a sense of familiarity in jail. Even inside jail, he'll be enjoying fresh meat.
What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
When my buddy smokes weed with me, he calls it smoking me out. Apparently bringing over a pizza and eating him out means something totally different.
Why did the Chicken cross the road? because 7 8 9 hahahaha
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead. That.
Never iron a four leaf clover... You don't want to press your luck.
[visit to zoo] See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I shit my pants the other day. Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them.
what's the difference between BMW and a Porky Pine? The porky Pine has the prick on the outside.
A soviet soldier asks a man his opinion of the party. The man nervously replies "the same as yours comrade" The soldier then arrests him for sedition.
What America thinks of Donald Trump is what the world thinks of America.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Byron ! Byron who ? Byron new suit !
what colour were Kurt Cobain's eyes? blue one blew this way, one blew that way
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says "Hey Mr. Pirate, ya know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says "Yarrrrr, it's driving me nuts."
My dog always walked backwards... So I named him god.
My wife gets kind of bitchy once a month. It usually lasts about 30 days.
My phone changed 'loud' to 'logs' so I "laughed out logs" at a friend's joke. I mean, I did poop a little, BUT HOW DID MY PHONE KNOW?
Why Do Jews Make Good Philosophers? They think that everything Israel.
whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)
A beggar walks up to a wealthy, upper-class lady and says, "I haven't eaten in three days." She responds, "You must force yourself! You must force yourself!"
What drink did Hitler absolutely hate the taste of? Juice.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
You spoiled brats with your fancy Cheerios flavors. When I was a kid Cheerios had one flavor, and that flavor was paper.
If you own a small, anti-Kindle bookstore and it's not called Page Against the Machine, just give up.
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison to go to Death Valley to shoot up? A high low small medium at large.
Whyisleatherarmorbestforsneaking? It'sliterallymadeofhide
What did the blind man say to his estranged friend? "Long time, no see."
what's Putin having for Christmas? Turkey
Did you know that Jose is an American name? It's mentioned in the very first line of the U.S. National Anthem.
Guess what? Chicken butt.
What is a black mans favorite Halloween costume? Robbin Hood
I'll do algebra. I'll do trigonometry. I'll even do calculus! But graphing is simply where I draw the line.
What is the difference between a teacher and a train? The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
I used to hate my tumor But it grew on me.
Me: "I want to go on a diet." Food: "LOL no."
Knock knock *Who's there?* Who. *To who?* (cough, straighten collar) To WHOM...
Guess what? Chicken butt!
It's been pretty rough going, but I think I finally beat my crippling addiction to sobriety.
You know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets... -credit to Daniel Tosh
people don't want art, they want garbage. and thats what i sell. i've been losing some business to the art store next door but thats a fluke
Why is Yahtzee better than the Bahamas? Because it's more than a paradise.
What do you call a group of euphorics? A fedoration.
Shout out to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
I hate people who support the Nazis They're such deutschbags.
There are 10 types of people in this world... The ones who understand binary, and the ones who get laid.
When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"
Bill Gates farted in an apple store and stank up the whole place, But it's their fault for not having windows.
I may have dry humped the Oreo section at the supermarket today, but I'm not telling. Just kidding, I totally did!
The joke about the sun Well it's too hot to handle. And the joke about the circle has no point.
*air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant."
I find it disappointing that the word "stealth" doesn't have a silent letter in it.
*a dripping wet Kurt Cobain stumbles out of his garage* "OK WHO REPLACED MY GUN WITH A SUPERSOAKER"
What OS does an atheist run on their computer? Fedora. [For Linux n00bs](https://getfedora.org/)
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
What do pirates and pimps have in common? They both say "YO HO!" and walk with a limp.
To: ALL STAFF Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I can accomplish great things if I apply myself... At least that's what a high school guidance counselor with a shit job and a bottle of whiskey in his desk told me once.
The soldier survived pepper spray and mustard gas He is now a seasoned veteran.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats. I'm so sorry.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. Jokes on him. I don't have a roommate.
How do you titilate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot.
A guy in a plane stood up &amp; shouted "HIJACK!" All passengers got scared . . . Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, . . . "Hi JOHN"
[Weather Channel Secret Memo] To technical crews: If blizzard doesn't reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I'm putting off having kids mainly because I'm not ready to be 9 months sober.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? THATS NOT FUNNY (must yell it)
What do older women wear? Depends
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky after getting caught? "I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election".
What dance did the Rastafarian teach Ash Ketchum? Dah okey pokey mon.
What did the bra say to the hat? "You go on a head, I'm gonna give these two a lift."
The difference between a cucumber and pickles... Is jarring
Rome wasn't built in a day. But part of it was.
On the eve of her execution, a woman is asked what her last meal will be. "I don't know. What do you want?"
Doctors just told me I have "stripper lung" from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to "JIGGLERS" again I'll die.
Why did the boat know it had a leak? That sinking feeling...
I got busted visiting Texas. For trying to smuggle in books. Luckily, I got off on a technicality. No one could prove they were books.
FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now
Autistic guy didn't get paid for a whole year while working at Applebee's. Life is hard for stauving autists.
[morgue] mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen cop: the robber yelled "everyone be cool" so he tried to do a kickflip
I see your limerick... There once was a man from Wheeling Who pounded his pud with great feeling And then like a trout He'd stick his mouth out And wait for the drops from the ceiling
What is the swamp-dwellers favorite form of extraterrestrial life? the Martians
I don't trust public opinion polls because they don't take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
After a terrible storm, a farmer realizes he needs to revamp his fence. Sorry, repost.
Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family
Knock, knock... Chicken combo... Why did the chicken cross the road? *I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?* To go and see ugly... Knock, Knock *Who's there?* **The chicken**
Sometimes I wake up grumpy... ... but some times I just let her sleep.
I like to think my father is looking down from heaven and smiling, but he's actually at an Indian casino with his new wife.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
You know what channel The Republican debate is on? I don't know man, maybe check Comedy Central?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: I have bad news about Bob. Friend: Bob from work or Bob that always fakes his own death? Me: *Drops shovel* Ut oh...
Kinda hard to feel sorry for myself when there's people out there who wax our private areas for a living.
A salami goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "Sorry, I can't help you, ..." "... you're already cured."
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
What starts with F and ends with UCK FIRETRUCK!1!1!1!!!1!1!!!!1!1!1!!!!1!1!1!!
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says "Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud..." the Scottish farmer says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"
A Sigmund Freud light bulb joke. Q: How many Sigmund Freud's does it take to change a light bulb? A: Cocaine.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.
You can actually drink lava! but only once.
"Wow the service here is really good" - snail after waiting 40 mins for a Big Mac
I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens shoes. Bitches be trippin.
Survey Says A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints
My wife and I were stuck in traffic. She said, "I'm turning round." "I can see that," I replied. "Try eating less chocolate."
One obtuse angle says to the other, "Oh man it's hot in here!" The other one replies, "Yeah, it's over 90 degrees!"
Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.
Why can't Armenians drive? Because they're too busy swearing at obama! ba dum tss
When I got my license they asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I said "I don't own an organ".
[goes to museum of fine art] "Just how fine can this art be, anyway" [sees a vase in a thong] "oh damn"
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren't allowed to vote.
When choosing a bottle of wine, it's good to pick one with a picture of the animal you'd most like to get drunk with on the label.
People always tell me to be the change that I want to see in the world, but I can't seem to get any whiter.
"HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?" - Indians
Deez nuts hah goteem
Why don't English teachers like parole? They prefer complete sentences.
(Anxiety/Depression joke) I'm always exhausted... except for my nervous energy.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Why do Puerto ricans have so many kids? Because pulling out is work!!!
[magic show] MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card... ME: Your VISA card MAGICIAN: God dammit!
13 Types of Regret You'll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won't Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex" has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter's night.
According to my roommate's diary, I have boundary issues.
Why did the chicken cross the road? The road crossed him first, man. The road crossed him first. *This should be delivered in your best "tough guy" voice.*
A JokeExplainBot walks into a bar... The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve robots in here." The JokeExplainBot replies menacingly, "Oh, you will... Someday, you will."
What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD? Four whore and seven beers ago....
I like my games like I like my women cheap and used
Why did the Chili Pepper cross the road? To get to the Otherside!
Due to a tragic "iTunes on shuffle" incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met...
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left the farm? Bison
ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN: -Little Black Dress -Cute flats -Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.
*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?
I had a third of a Mars bar the other day... All I wanted to do was rest.
If children refuse to sleep during nap time... ...are they guilty of resisting a rest?
In Australia your best friend and your worst enemy are both called a.. Cunt
Why did the Turkey cross the road? Because he was Trans-Chicken
Do you know what the one vegetable that isn't actually vegan is? Terry Schiavo.
Me: "people always think I'm gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?" Guy whose back I'm massaging in a bubble bath: "maybe a little"
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do people with one leg work? IHOP.
There's an Italian town where pasta is a currency A penne for their thoughts.
What do you call those things that get fluff off a sweater? Women
It's impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day? A coffin break.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor's home & then taking a nap
Grandson told me his uncle abused him as an April fools prank. I don't know why he's so upset I didn't fall for it.
My friend said he was worried he's losing his hair I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me.
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
Grandma got bussy.... I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
On a long road trip.. When deciding whether to stop at a rest area, I always say, "Speak now or forever hold your pee".
What's worse than sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandma's vagina? Realizing you only put in 11
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars.
I'm proud to be black, said the black man. I'm proud to be Asian, said the Asian man. I'm proud to be white, said the RACIST.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
What did the pot-head name his son? Bud.
She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.
After working out for over a year, I successfully dated several girls who always jumped on my couch, saying 'do whatever you want with me'. But unfortunately none of them liked Mario Kart. :(
The guys at Futurama really didn't do their research... Vice President Agnew was at lest a head taller than depicted!
Why won't A Flock of Seagulls perform in the Middle East? Iran so far away
How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? They look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.
Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.
I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that's why my tattoo is hot nurse. -LA Ink.
What kind of jeans does mario wear ? Denim denim denim
Where do you send Jewish kids with ADHD? Concentration Camp
I didnt believe my grandfather got fired from his job as a Crossing guard for theft... But when i got home the signs were there
Just spent another day totally agreeing with everything pretty girls say.
What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.
What did the homeless prostitute's boyfriend call her? his hobo
Popcorn is great but why did we stop there? This is America & I intend to find out what other foods would be delicious if we exploded them.
What do you get when you cut up an avagadro? Guaca**mole**y edit: how do I make it not say this joke is Dirty?
What do you call a female android? Synthia Lmao
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Free Palestine! With purchase of equal or greater value.
I like my girls like I like my coffee. In a cup.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Can't wait to say "I haven't seen you since last year!" to everyone I see next week. I'm a very popular person with thousands of friends.
What did the blind, deaf, and mute kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
Dad joke Son: "Dad, tell me a joke." Dad: "Pussy." Son: "I don't get it." Dad: "I know."
I always wear black. That way I'm ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.
What's a baker's biggest fear? Something going a-rye while they're raisin' bread.
What does a French carpenter say when he runs out of nails? I haven't a clous.
"What's it like being a female comic?" "Well, you get asked what it's like being a female comic a lot."
"Sorry, but I can't sell you cigarettes. It hasn't been 18 revolutions around the sun since you descended from your mother's vagina."
Editors at fashion magazines, you're doing a great job. Women continue to hate their bodies.
How do you get over trophobia? Look at the hole photo for 30 seconds straight
My girlfriend is the undisputed queen of not giving a fuck But it's all good. Her sister is plenty wild for the both of them
What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter the number of characters do not go down with time
Did you hear about Linda Lovelace's grandmother? She went down on the Titanic.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Why wasn't Michael Jackson allowed to perform at the children's hospital? Because he is dead. ^((I came up with this joke when I was very tired.))
So Tim Cook (CEO of Apple) came out as gay ....I guess that's why all of their products suck dick.
FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
What's the loudest thing in the last two Harry Potter films? Deaf Lee's "HELLO!"
If I were to ask you to dance naked for me, would your answer be the same as to this question?
Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
What do you call an angry cashew? A pissed-achio.
What is green, has four legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would kill you? A pool table!
I'm straight, but I'm not "wouldn't spoon with George Clooney" straight.
Sine, cosine and ln(x) are at a party Sine approaches cosine and says, "Hey, what's ln(x) doing over in the corner by himself?". Cosine responds, "You see, ln(x) doesn't integrate very well".
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It is very time consuming
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that's just how she laughs
Did you hear about the Bob Marley impersonator? He's dreadful.
Dracula must have a hard life... It sucks to live forever
Little known fact: Mirrors are the leading cause of death among people who have looks that kill.
Why do white girls walk in odd numbers? Because they can't even
I got rear-ended in traffic the other day Thank God i wasn't in my car.
What's the difference between you and a baby bird. The bird got laid.
How many mexicans does it take to build a house in.... Shit he's done
TIFU by walking into the class of the wrong substitute teacher Whoops, wrong sub.
the real reason you shouldn't flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
I call my penis... "the cartridge" because women love to blow it
What do black guy's have that is twice the size of white men's, and expands upon contact with a woman? A criminal record.
What did the worm want to do when he grew  up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Dog poo was thrown over my fence so I went and knocked on my neighbour's door. I wanted to see if I got him.
There's a great deal of tainted money in the world... It taint yours and it taint mine!
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
RIP Jordin Sparks She had no air
"I'll shave whoever I want! I'll shave you, I'll shave her! I'll shave a goddamn baby if need be!" Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism
How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb? Irrelevant, you will be assimilated!
My friend asked "What do blind people think about when they masturbate?" I'd be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of  "Who the f*ck is watching me"
Business idea: Own a profitable business
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it's okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Did you know I'm actually ambidextrous... I can actually write fuck all with both hands!
Where does almond and cashew milk come from? Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.
What did the radiographer call her daughter? Imogen
A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.
If I had Pokemon, I'd pretend to understand them. They'd go "Bulba bulbaaasaur" and I'd be like "What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?"
A love letter from a biscuit maker to a girl: Dear marie, today is good day, you are anmol for me, But u have crack jacked my heart, because i have a little heart, And now i m in 50/50 position.
Why is USA so gloomy? Because only two parties exist for the whole country
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? They can't, they're not bright enough.
Say what you want about Olympic Skiing Events.... .....but most of that sport is going downhill fast.
Did you hear about the genetic study on diarrhea? They say it runs in your genes.
What do you get when you watch Cinderella backwards? You see a woman learn her place.
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ? Santa pause !
Want to hear a joke about my penis? Ahh forget it.. it it's too long. Woman replies: want to hear a joke about my vagina? Ahh never mind... you'll never get it.
North Korea's launch code         B A
What does American Beer and making love on the beach have in common? They're both fucking close to water.
Summer in Scotland. . . Is the best day of the year.
I was going to make a joke about the Malaysian Airlines.. But I lost it.
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
There's something about a mousetrap that I can't quite put my finger on.
2 young Christians walk into a bar... But they're under age &amp; can't drink, so they don't really do anything.
What did Indira Gandhi hate worse than a bogey on a par 4 Sikhs
I'm so tired of seeing cheesy puns on reddit all the time... I swiss they would just stop already.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank herbal tea before it was cool.
I'm a grave digger, My hole job is depressing.
top baby names for 2015: Bareth, Robaldo, Gunblayde, Terby, Gulb
What do you call twin policemen? Copies.
Donations Person: "Please donate to the local swimming pool" Me: *Gives a glass of water*
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I will tell you later. SOURCE: Heard it on the subway
Where do you find a dog with no arms and no legs? Right where you left it.
Did you know that Dublin, CA has the fastest growing population of all time? The populations always Dublin'. :D
Heard a friend bragging about his one night stand Whatever mate, i've got two night stands. One either side of my bed.
That thin line between "I should tweet that" or "I should talk to my therapist about that"...
How do you clear out a synagogue call the irs
We had our pot-bellied pig de-oinked He was a little disgruntled.
The people working at Petco.... ...hate when you refer to them as pet-ophiles.
How did the Greek army separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar
Have you ever been fooled by the MAF method? MAF = Make-up + Angle + Filter
A man walks into a bar.... the bar is then raised to prevent anyone else from walking into it.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
What do you call a really cranky shaman with bad breath and osteoporosis? A Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A nigga, you occupationalist!
What's the difference between a dead hooker and a Porsche? (Not what you think) I've never been inside a Porsche.
TORTURER: I'm gonna water-board u ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher* ME: Oh shit
What does a black man do when faced with the death penalty? Nigga pleads.
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose??? Full
A Scotsman is out walking with his girlfriend. They walk by a hot dog stand, and the girl exclaims, "Mmm, that smells so good!" "Oh," the Scotsman answers, "do you want to go walk past it again?"
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but I dunno how they got in there.
What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver? The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa
Mom: Why are you eating my flowers? Me: I'm gonna be young FOREVER! Mom: How? Me: Duh, from the stem cells. Mom: I'm worried about you.
My Dad's Maths Joke: Why do programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because Dec 25 is Oct 31 Edit: corrected because I'm a fucking tool
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg I said to him: "I bet I know what your favourite holiday is." He said: "You've got to love Easter, baby."
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership? Cold Trafford!
"Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.
I bet other balls don't like Wiffle Balls because of their holier than thou attitude.
Bros were dying to know the song I had playing on the gym speakers, said it activated beast mode for them. It was "Tracy chapman - fast car"
The doctors tested a man to see if he was gay. He passed with flying colors.
Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice?  Why? Do I look like one?
Dad joke **Dad:** Whaddya got there son? **Son:** Soy milk. **Dad:** Hola milk, soy tu padre
Why I'm leaving /r/jokes I'm going to bed
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyonce. *drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
"Ma'am, please stow your laptop prior to takeoff." "This is my Emotional Support Computer."
What do you call a proud Danish countryman? A pastriot.
What do you call pasta from the hood? Spaghetto
What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy? Deer balls, they're under a buck.
What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
What does American beer have in common with making love in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.
They're giving Caitlyn Jenner ANOTHER TV show Apparently, they have her competing in the Olympics again. It's going to be called "Drag Races".
Coworker: I lost my phone. Me: WHAT? CW: I don't know where it is. M:*perplexed look* You're not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!
I make fun of people Instagramming their food, but I forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit.
Some kids were making fun of the new Spanish guy. I said, "Ole off him."
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
When your friend tells you she's thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Why are so many people caucusing for Hillary Clinton... They were inspired by Monica Lewinsky.
You don't need a hunting licence if you shoot a turkey and plant a very small gun on him.
Have you heard about that new David Beckham film called "Into The Unknown"? It's about his visit to a library.
Why does Britain love tea so much? Because tea leaves.
Yeah I got a job at Coca Cola... It's sodapressing.
What do you call inexplicably missing aioli? Awoli.
any drug is a gateway drug if you do it while standing in a gateway
On the news: there's a shortage of maternity-ward staff. You could say it's a bit of a...*looks away* *mumbles* MIDWIFE crisis! (...sorry.)
Where do Sith Lords shop? At Darth Mall.
Life is like a box of chocolates A woman can completely destroy one in minutes
A man's girlfriend shaves her pussy in the shower. His girlfriend says "Hey babe, I shaved my pussy...you know what that means?" The man replies "Yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again."
A fish lost it's body part. Fin.
Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!
I went for a run.... I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes
I often wonder how different it would be if I were to go back to grade school Not so much with the knowledge I have now, but with the penis I have now
Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog.
A robot nervously gets into a hammock. Stiff as a board and holding on for dear life, he looks to his friend and screams "TAKE THE PICTURE!"
Why are the Jews angry about the new $20 bill? Because it's only worth $12 now
What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe? Roberto
Tattoo idea: One Jonas Brothers face on each thigh. What? There's three? Okay, and one right in the middle. How do you spell Kevin?
A narcissist, a misogynist, and a bigot walks into a bar... Bartender says, what'll it be Mr. President?
Why can't horses vote? 'Cause their answer is always 'nay'. I'm sorry, I'll leave...
What's Better, British or German Sausages British, because German are the Wurst...
The Comic Wonder of the week is "The Contest" by ReedBurns [audio]
What did the bullied microchip say? PIC on someone your own size!
Why does ed not have a girlfriend? Because sheeran
"Doctor I think I need glasses!" "You certainly do Sir, this is the butchers."
People are always talking about how popular Steve Jobs was.. But I don't think he'll ever be as popular as his brother, Hand.
What do you call a stingy douchebag who likes plants? A prick
There's a new video game called Earthquake coming out. I heard it's groundbreaking.
If Trump gets elected... ...it will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
Dead babies and rocks What is the difference between a dead baby and a rock? You can't Fuck a rock
How to catch a polar bear Cut a hole in the ice. Surround the hole with frozen peas. When the bear walks up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole!
What do you call a girl with a frog in her  hair ? Lily !
100 years ago, 19 white men chasing down a black man was called the Klu Klux Klan Now it's called Formula 1 *Ku Kluk Klan
When I saw Stephen Fry was getting married to a much younger man I wondered what a gay cougar was called. A pink panther.
How do you start a rave in Uganda? Tape a slice of bread to the ceiling
Did you hear about the guy ducking charges of sheep rape? He's on the lam.
What do you do when someone has a seizure in the bathtub? Throw in your laundry!
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
Champagne says I'm classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
A man was stabbed in the stomach in an alley... he was gonna punch him back, but he didn't have the guts.
My brother got sent to prison for something he didn't do. He didn't wear gloves.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.
How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.
Goes to church to find God's love. Friendzoned.
Your momma is so fat, her personal website has a .org domain
Why aren't any transvestites astronauts? Because in space, there's no drag.^please^dont^hurt^me.
What do you do when your wife starts smoking? Slow down and apply lube
My most pretentious joke -Knock knock Who's there? -To To who? -To *whom*
"My brother's coming over for dinner." Ugh, is he still talking only in country names? *brother walks in* "Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?"
A white female President's first order of business would be instituting the "No Cupcake Left Un-Instragrammed" act.
Why don't shrimp donate to charities? Because they're shellfish.
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you're Chuck Norris.
I'll stop at nothing... ...to avoid using negative numbers.
The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don't mind carrying around a 42" screen.
What did the bull say after sleeping with a transexual cow? "That was no Miss Steak!"
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
*brings whipped cream to bed* Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new? Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
did you hear about the italian chef? he pasta way
If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!
I once had a math test in an elevator... I was wrong on so many levels.
Read in Richard Pryors voice... The other day I had to take a shit so bad... The shit came out and said DAMMMMMNNN I gotta take a shit!
Ever since I was a kid I had always wanted to be a door to door salesman... But then I found it's a hard knock life
A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Who hits the ground first? The brunette, because the blonde stopped to ask for directions.
It'd be pretty rad if the Pope's Twitter account was just Billy Joel's second Twitter account where he only tweets while on Ambien.
I don't remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world... ...Then He made the Earth rough and He laughed and laughed...
Two types of people in the world.... Ones who pee in the shower, and motherf**kin liars
I've heard so many drunken Irish jokes, it's gettin' old... ...not everyone's a drunkard in me ~~Publin~~ Dublin.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a "Pregnant Only" parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My friend gave me an epipen in his last moments He printed it himself and it seemed very important to hi- wait why did the cops just pull up in front of the house
If I Cuold Time Travel I would fix the title.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, that's probably a good, isolated spot to commit crimes.
An English, an Irish and a Scottish went to a bar... I am waiting they to come back to finish the joke
Today i asked my friend how hungover he was... He replied. "Well on a scale of one to Amy Winehouse its not looking so good."
Prank: put a bucket of water on top of the door, then shoot your roommate in the stomach. When the cops come, they get soaking wet!
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair...
What do you call a mexican that lost his car? Carlos
Forrest Gump ran for 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days, which is approximately 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days longer than I've ever run.
A man walks into a flower shop and discovers something new: a bonsai palm tree in a pot. As he admires the plant he says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"
A dog limps into a bar. Says, "I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw".
What is the biggest joke in the world as of now? The current US presidential election
Tom Brady is a clever mastermind He learned from another great American hero named Tom and convinced Bill Belichick to whitewash his offenses.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny.
I named my Pokemon Margarine... ...because it's butterfree.
Never believe what a fish says It sounds fishy.... ... sorry
Straight dudes should be fine with Gays It takes away two hot men from the dating pool And two ugly women.
"I just figured the 'H' was broken on your sign" Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she's still got her overinflated self worth...
Apparantly there is a term for Baywatch actors in their midlife crisis. It's called the Hoff-time show.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
What dinosaur knows the most words? Thesaurus. :/
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.
Don't try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever
MMO players are the best people in bed. They're good grinders.
What's a nice way to tell someone that you don't want talk while you're working out? It's not "Shut up, asshole." Apparently.
I have bulimic Alzheimers I always eat too much but forget to throw up.
Our father who art in heaven what does that mean like painting or something
[blind date] Her: so do you go on a lot of dates? Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
5yo: "Dad we don't have a chimney. How will Santa get in?" Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what? Me: what?
Have you heard about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison last week? You should see the headlines: "Small Medium at Large"
A woman walks into a grocery store with a duck... A clerk says, "Hey! You can't bring that pig in here!" The woman says, "It's not a pig. It's a duck." The clerk says, "I was talking to the duck."
I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.
The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here". A time traveler walks into a bar.
Have you ever flicked a cigarette out the window then five minutes later you start to smell something? So you turn around only to find your grandma fingering herself in the back seat.
What did A and B look for at the beach? A "C" gull!
I'm not very good at baking... my friend said to stick with it dough, it'll pan out in the end.
What do Classical musicians do when they die? They decompose.
Guy walks into an amusement park ... and sees a big sign that reads, "Three balls 25" So he walks up to the lady behind the counter, pulls down his pants and says, "Ok, gimme a quarter."
The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel. Dinosaurs: We'll take those odds!
What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer? Thanks, Obama.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head] 1st time: "aww cuuuute" 2nd time: "ha okay" 3rd time: "i am trapped in a nightmare"
I can't direct you the ingredients to the ultimate diet shake.... But I can show you the whey
I think I'm allergic to cats. They give me stomach aches.
What's the best thing about a penis? Think long and hard before you answer this one.
I spent the whole day cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean trying to find out where my son hides his weed.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? They're stuck at C for years
Why were the dinosaurs so big? Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures
TIL my mom isn't a member of any organized political party. You see, she's a Republican.
If you could pick any superhero name and power, what would they be? My name would be "Dad" and my power would be *invisibility*...
You shouldn't call short people "midgets". It isn't the right gnomenclature.
What do you call a black man that summons the dead? A Nergomancer
I saw Michael J. Fox in a gardening centre the other day... He had his back to the fuchsia.
What do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner. EDIT: spelling
What is the difference between Feminist, Hitler, and Elizabeth Bathory Feminist with accomplish nothing before dying.
My son would have been 16 today... It's too bad he died after being caught in my wife's bed.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys Well not to brag or anything but I'm bad at everything
What kind of bugs bother sporting dogs?  Ath-fleats!
What do rich people and bad flossers have in common? Deep pockets.
I was relieved when the cop gave me a ticket for driving without headlights. I thought I was going blind.
Did you hear about the clairvoyant midget that escaped from jail? He's a small medium at large.
How do depressed people play the violin? With a razor and their wrist.
*offers dog a treat* Dog: I have a boyfriend
[date] HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Today my grandpa told me I couldn't even bait a hook. Well he's never been more wrong. I consider myself a master baiter.
Two gay guys are sleeping... Facing each other.. One of them says to the other, "Are you angry with me?"
Meteorologists always have their heads in the clouds But gastroenterologists take shit seriously
I was chasing a girl with a dildo through the park. I would have left her alone, if she'd just given me back my dildo.
Why is heaven a paradise for the common man? Because all the politicians are in hell.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it's lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Have you heard about Polish Roulette? It's played exactly the same way as Russian Roulette, except with a semi-automatic pistol.
Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable
A child molester, a conman and a priest walks into a bar He then sat down.
WAITER: what can i get you ME: what do you recommend WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat
Why should you separate something into 62 parts if you want to make it tiny? Because sixty-seconds=minute.
What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his  head in the fan? It took ears off his life!
A tiny Shaquille o Neil inside a footlong sub lookin up at you and crying cuz he don't wanna be eaten
Date: what kind of work do you do? Me: I dabble in real estate [Dad yells down the stairs] She visits open houses and eats the free cheese
What did the man say to his penis when it offered him a fight? Come on then you *little squirt*!
"Gosh it's raining cats and dogs" said Fred looking out of the kitchen window. "I know" said his mother. "I've just stepped in a poodle!"
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture! Me: Love it 4: See green M: Yep 4: And blue M: Mmhm 4: And red M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
Politician (noun): Someone who will lay down your life for his country.
What do you call a guy who works out regularly? Jim.
Every time I lay down in bed I think 'why didn't I do this sooner?'
Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?  Because it's always on a sundae!
What's the rate at which racist work is done? Whitepower (Horsepower is the rate at which work is done)
A redneck sees another carrying a sheep under each arm. So he asks him, "you shearing?" The other answers "nope, gonna fuck 'em both m'self."
Letsh Have Shex!  Horny Sean Connery
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now.. Hopefully modeling.
I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw
[On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye.
How does Microsoft count to 10? 1, 2, 3, 95, 98, ME, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.
Just pulled up next to a car identical to mine & accidentally made eye contact with the driver. I think that means we have to race on green.
my wife's favorite joketo tell What do you call a peanut with a cold? Cashew! she was so proud of herself for making me laugh with this one.
Don't you dare dry your hands on my decorative towels you piece of shit.
To follow up on the Java/C# joke... Q: Why did the Java Developer quit his job? A: Because he didn't get arrays.
What was Tigger doing in the toilet? Looking for Pooh.
My 4yo: Dad, you're old, right? Me: I'm not that old. 4: You're not new. Me: Go to bed.
Teacher: Tomorrow There Will Be a Lecture On SUN.. student: I Will Not Be Able To Attend It Teacher: Why? student: My Mother Will Not Allow Me To Go So Far..:-)
Maybe Michael J. Fox could get a new show where his character doesn't have Parkinson's but he's a conductor aboard a moving train.
Just a heads up guys, M. Night Shyamalan dug a hole in my backyard and has been filming Mark Wahlberg yelling at it for 6 months now.
My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom. The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I've strategically placed, should do the trick.
What could Dora the Explorer's kids be called? Doritos
What shoes to chickens wear? Reebok bok bok
What do you call a black man in a ghetto walking around with a boombox on his shoulders? A stereotype
A horse trots into a bar, trips, and falls
Pink Fluff... What's pink and fluffy? Pink Fluff What's Blue and Fluffy? Pink Fluff holding it's breath. (My niece told me this)
Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.
I always cried when my Dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog.
What are the two words men hate most unless used together? Don't Stop
Mainstream Media: Obama signs repeal of DADT. Fox News: Foreigner masquerading as President admits he's gay.
On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.
A man walked into a bar And immediately lost the limbo competition
What's a magician's favorite Mexican dish? TosTADA!
What do you call a secret agent running for the bus? A Russian spy.
There are two things I hate in this world... People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
In Hell, you're surrounded by people saying 'suposably' and 'irregardless.'
What do you get if you have unprotected sex in the ear? Hearing AIDS.
Old Navy claims their Whirly Skirt is "the most fun a girl can have for $15." They obviously haven't been on a trip with me to Mexico.
What is an algorithm When the presidential candidate goes to a DiscoTech
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Break that faggots spine.
I'm a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I'm fat.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married ?  Because they had a crush on each other !sna
Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he's going but I assume there's Mountain Dew there.
Q: Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank? A: Because she had an interest in the principal.
An A-TEAM reboot would just be one two-minute episode where the NSA triangulates their location and they all get blown up in a drone strike.
What did Jean-Luc Picard say in frustration to the incompetent Singer repairman? Make it *sew*!
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other... The woman says "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee." The man says "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
The *REAL* Way to Avoid Clickbait Seriously guys, this is Reddit. What were you expecting?
I always want to be friends with the people that need shopping carts at the liquor store. I bet those people are fun.
Hey I'm in jail on the police station for having an ugly face..... Can you please come over and show them they got the wrong person?
A scientist was playing scrabble with his wife She played "PINE", he had "LMHIOJK". He played all of his letters at once to form a 8-letter word along with the "N". What did he make? H20
Google+ is like the gym of social networking. We all join it, but nobody uses it.
What's black, white and red all over? An interracial home abortion.
You ever been to the butcher with the chastity fetish? Say what you will about the lifestyle, but his meat simply can't be beat.
My farmer buddy is so lazy. Even when we go to the bar, he only picks the low hanging fruit.
"Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you've been wearing the same outfit all week is you" - my fashion blog
"Yo it's your boy! You already know who it is!" -every rapper that is not your boy and who you do not know
Can't stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I've been seeing some anti-gay humor on this sub lately and wanted to say something: Gay jokes ARE NOT funny. Come on guys.
Damn girl I like the way you constantly change your profile pic to the one good picture of you from 2008.
A pirate walks in a bar... A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says "whats with that" the Pirate says "ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"
What's pink and retarded? A Flamongo.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried? Me: You mean after I die, right?
Blind Man A blind man walks into a bar...and a table...and a chair.
How do you make a cat bark? Drench it with gasoline, drop a lighted match on it... Woof!
Whats your favourite brand of beer? When i was younger, i used to drink any brand of beer, but now i am older Budweiser
It's World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
What does a virus call a cluster of stars and gas? Nebola
What noise does a nut make when it has a cold? ... CASHEWW!
Naked man doing jumping jacks... db qp db qp db qp db qp
Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who killed everyone? He had locomotives.
Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one? Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.
laugh! besty medicine
Whose elbows are ashier than everyone else's? The Jews.
I'm "don't flash your headlights at someone who doesn't have theirs on bc they will come and kill you" years old.
So two guns are hanging out, "shootin' the shit"... When one gun says to the other, "Damn dude, those are some nice bullets, where'd you get them?" the second gun says, "In some old magazine I found."
3 blonds were driving to Disney World... The sign said; Disney World Left, so they started crying, turned around, and drove home.
Arguing on the internet is like the Special Olympics. It doesn't matter if you win you're still retarded.
I masturbate so much in the shower I get wet when it rains
I phoned my boss. I said, "I'm calling in sick tomorrow." "But, how do you know you're going to be ill?" he asked. I swear, sometimes he forgets that he works in a psychic shop.
What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot? Overcome
Go green by saying no to diapers. Simply swap out your poop-covered baby for a clean one.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall* SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?! Judge- no, CREDIBLE! Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Patient: Doctor my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
why thank you, sir! I was totally unaware of my big titties. How kind of you to risk your safety by yelling it out of the car window.
You guys ever try boiled pasta? It's not as crunchy but it's alright
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
If you play Titanic backwards it's about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat.
Nurse: Doctor there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
I bought myself a snail to race other snails.. I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
What is a cancer patients favorite bingo number? B9
I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
Hey, did you hear about that top secret explosion? Me neither. No one did. It's top secret. We're probably on a list already for talking about it.
Horny rooster What does a normal rooster say? cock-a-doodle-doo! what does a horny rooster say? any-cock-will-do!
What do you call an undercover cop? A pig in a blanket.
My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.
There's only two things I hate... Size queens and small dicks.
Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin? Because he had my grains
A man goes to the Doctor. A man makes an appointment with his Doctor. Says "Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm" The Doctor says "What are you taking for it?" Man replies "Pollen"
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? No one knows, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
What do you call two lonely bastards drinking together? Two bastards.
What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole at Easter? Hot Cross Bunnies!
What is a short punchy statement? Boxing Midgets.
My friends say I can be condescending That's when you talk down to people.
What's the difference between a cow and September 11? You stop milking a cow after 10 years.
What would you call Vanilla Ice if he was asian? Yellow Snow.
What do Japanese men do when they have an erection? Vote.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?? None. They just beat the room for being black
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine
Why'd the Titanic stop putting out on the first date? The iceberg had said 'just the tip'
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am... Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
What do you call Indian flowers? Patels
What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts
Why does a chicken coop always have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers People stopped at nothing to avoid them
The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says "who?" but you still killed a baby.
I resolve that in 2010 I will kick my procrastination habit in 2011.
I was recently diagnosed with depression It made me sad
What is a spectre's favorite theme park attraction? The Roller Ghoster
What's the difference between a teabag and the English rugby team? A teabag stays in the cup longer...
A black man walks into a bar his cell door was still closed.
I've got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation... so if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
What happens when U change position too fast? You get an unpleasant vowel movement.
Child services told me to stop using cigarettes as they are harming my children Fair enough, I'll just use an Ash tray
[at my funeral] *casket falls onto the floor* Mum: that's the quickest I've ever seen him move Dad: lol owned
A termite walks into a bar... and asks, "is the bar tender here?"
Don't worry if you're skydiving and your parachute doesn't open You got the rest of your lives to fix it!!!
Where did Mario and Luigi go to school? At 'Wass-a-matta U'
"Hmm, how can I look at her boobs but not look at her boobs?" - Guy who invented sunglasses.
I haven't been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a gynecologist? A gynecologist will shake a woman's hand before grabbing their pussy.
What kind of memes do Germans like? Danke memes
Did you know that Rick Astley will give you any movie from his collection Except one, he is Never Gonna Give You UP
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches... Edit: Sentence inversion
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again.
The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.
My first wife's breasts were different sizes... One spring I took her down to the beach for a wet T-shirt contest. We took 1st and 3rd place.
2 guys walk into a bar.. The third one ducked.
I feel bad for Anne Frank She had her diary published for all the world to read, which is every girl's worst nightmare! And she didn't get paid for it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
Joke about North Korea! [deleted]
I finally finished the jigsaw puzzle It took me 2 years but I was well chuffed seeing as the box said 6-10 years.
This is rigged! Wife to Husband : Will you take me out for dinner in the evening? Your options are: A) Yes B) A C) B
So I have had this joke in my mind for awhile but cannot figure out the best delivery... Why is it ok for police to keep rape kits in their cars? but if I have one, I am some sort of criminal.
The shame of my ancestry weighs heaviest on my soul any time a white person asks if they can get a "what what".
Your inspirational tweets were so inspiring they inspired me to unfollow you.
Micheal Sam will have the most sacks in the NFL next year... ....on his face
Never murder a death metal singer slowly... They always let out blaring death growls.
Did you hear Green Bay (NFL) is in the process of a buyout by Ghiradelli chocolates? They will be renamed the San Francisco Fudge Packers.
Why was the midget fired from his job? He came up short on his register.
Who does a Jedi call when he forgets his keys? A LockSith.
Hotel Chain Merger Ramada Inn and Hilton are merging. The new hotel chain will be called "Ram it in to the Hilt"
Dogs are some of the coolest people I've ever met.
What would you get if you crossed a witch with a famous movie director? Steven Spellberg!
What did the horny Astronomer say to the telescope? I wanna see Uranus.
My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.
Two men were having a drink together. One said "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife." "Why's that?" asked the other. "Because she's always trying to bite my head off" he replied.
Are you all right? No, you are all left!
"So you spend 6 bucks on a beverage that has no booze in it on purpose?" -me to everyone at Starbucks.
[in class] Me: hey, can I borrow a pen? Guy: sure, black or blue? Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My sick friend said a cold never bothered him anyways. I asked him if he wanted to build a snotman
Traffic stop A cop stops a car and asks the man inside, "Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking?" The guy replies, "Why? Is there an ugly chick next to me?"
The pirate missing a hand was looking for a replacement. I suggested the second hand store
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
"The Force Awakens" had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards. How is that even science fiction? They might as well rename it "Downton Abbey."
I'm at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that's obviously not working.
What did the eyeball say? Eyes, in deep despair, looking up, said in a passive tone, "wazzup brow"
Helpful weight loss tip: Don't eat so much, you fat piece of shit.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He can't come anyways.
How Do You Kill a Trumpet Player? You shove then off their ego!
Breaking News ...A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt................. Archaeologists  believe it may be Pharaoh Roche
I'm really worried about this Harry Potter kid. Seems like he's definitely gonna die.
Hillary is like the George Washington of 2016. She cannot tell a lie.
Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Patient Anonymous! I see a lot of new faces here and frankly, I'm disappointed.
I'm bad at sewing Shit, wrong thread.
I woke up went for a walk my head fell off  and rolled away. I picked it up and put it on. A child walked up to me  and said: "Good grief where are your feet?" I must have left them in bed !
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
What's the number for Baltimore chiropractic services? 9-1-1
What does my dad do for fun? Beats me  \_()_/ 
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger. --how I cancel dates
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. I'll show myself out.
If a deaf kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I bought a time machine. I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
ALERT At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe. Last seen in the word "Let's". If you see it, please send it home. Its tweet misses it.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Chef 1: You can't serve cake for breakfast, moms won't allow it. Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it? 1: GENIUS!
What does Kodak film and a condom have in common? They both capture that special moment
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I opened a cheese shop in Israel today Called it "Cheeses of Nazareth"
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
What do cannibals and politicians have in common? They both enjoy handshakes.
What is the Free Syrian Army's favourite Western Song I DON'T CARE...ALAWITE I DON'T CARE..
In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns At least not until Putin sends him his W2s.
Why did the protester cross the road? To get to the Occupy! EDIT: To get to the other side/Occupy?
What do you call a black person flying a plane? A pilot, you racist piece of shit.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
Why did Monica Lewinsky vote Republican? Because Democrat left a bad taste in her mouth!
"Emma Stone" ~ Italian man telling you he's high
Why are women such bad drivers? Because they are constantly lied to about what 8" is.
A priest, rapist, and pedophile walks into a bar... ...and he orders a drink.
Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in, you are cut off.
With all this uranium on Reddit, we should remember not to swallow any. You'll get atomic ache
Why are there so many French orphans in the fruit isle of the grocery store? Because they are all looking for their pere
How do you make an archeologist blush? Give them a dirty tampon and ask what period its from.
What is a broken drum kit's favorite file format? PDF puh-duh... ffffff
Pampered Cow What do you get from a pampered cow?
Want to know why? Or do you want to know z?
I have decided to write all of my jokes in capitals from now on... This one was written in Tokyo.
How did Geordi La Forge go blind? He turned on the UV light in the Holodeck.
What do you call a drunken asshole? Alcohole.
The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: "NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*
Don't ever go to Bates Motel... a PSYCO lives there!
I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
What do you call peanuts in space? Astronuts!
What do you call a Chinese man allergic to dogs? Starving.
What do Tinder and Seafood restaurants have in common? Both are good places to find Catfish
white girls be like i'll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign spice latte
me: Dave's coming over wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer? *Dave walks in wearing an "I Beat Cancer" shirt*
I just saw an Asian chick with big boobs and a booty. I took a pic so if any of you have Mythbuster's email hit me up.
What did Gandalf say when he tried to shut down Auschwitz? "You shall not gas!"
Well..I updated my status...offended someone. Was deleted from their friend list...Yep..My work here is done 
Why did Constantinople fall? Itstumbled.
What did the stressed-out casino worker say to their boss? I literally cannot deal.
We're all big racist time bombs set for "elderly."
A Blind Fish What does the blind fish say when it hits a wall? DAM!!!!
My friend asked me why I still buy vinyl. I told him 'Records are always a sound purchase.'
Friends are like trees... Few swings with an axe and they fall down.
I got some good tips on how to spice my roast chicken... I guess you could say it was (_) ( _)&gt;- (_) Sage advice.
They say you should never run when you stumble across a lion in the wild. I don't think I'll be able to run with all the shit in my pants.
How much cash can you make robbing an Indian restaurant? As much as you can curry.
My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids. But I laugh more.
The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.
When my family says things like...why don't you have kids yet? I say "Because I didn't get drunk & do the football team, Sasha."
The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you're gonna have to set yourself on fire.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Twitter addiction A man goes to his doctor and says: -Doctor, I think i am addicted to Twitter. -Eh,sorry...I don't follow you.
Hey baby, are you a space archaeologist? Because there's gonna be a bone for you to discover in Uranus
So a guy walks into a bar where Eminem is the bartender Guy: Two shots please Eminem: You only get one shot
Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex? Because it's unbelievable.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
What has tiny balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine you sick fuck
Glenn Frey What did they call Glenn Frey when he was in the hospital? An Illeagle
When is the best time to schedule a Dentist Appointment? 2:30 (Tooth Hurty)
Military shouldn't hire people named Will.
I destroyed the garden yesterday. Thankfully I'm off the antibiotics Monday.
What's the funniest part of a boxing joke? You'd think it'd be the punchline, but apparently it's funnier when the person feints...
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It's pretty solid.
How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb? "In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in Hawaii dealing exactly with this issue."
Did you hear about the scientist who discovered the G-spot? He found it while studying abroad.
Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
"I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year.... only 13 lbs. to go!"
Modern day Paul Revere still warns about enemy incursions. But now it's one if by LAN, two if by wifi.
What do you call a woman who can successfully play pool whilst balancing a glass of lager on her head? Beatrix Potter.
Why is "Dick" short for Richard? Genetics.
Why is the tailor's daughter such a slut? She gives great hem jobs.
The first rule of Chinese Whisper Club: Don't talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub.
King splits his kingdom to his three sons... Hell yeah, said the fourth...
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A-flat miner
Do you know what girls say to a guy with a big dick? I do!
What's the difference between an old Greyhound station and a lobster with a double D bra size? One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn't put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
If your partner/spouse tells you they're not reading everything you tweet: A) they're lying B) hi honey!
What do sexy farmers say all day? "Brown-chicken-brown-cow!" And then they swagger a bit.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman... Batman: Yes, she's a thief, but- A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
What do the USA and a black hole have in common? They both have a problem with mass incarceration.
Whoever invented the knock knock joke.. Should get a no-bell prize
I don't trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman
People complain about the weather and politics till the cows come home... and then they complain about how there are cows in their house.
I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner.
A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." ~~~ So he pays for his meal and asks for his change. The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within."
I keep swallowing live ammunition. I thought, this time I'm going to go to the hospital, but as usual, I just farted a round at home.
I just applied for my medical marijuana certificate. Reason: Joint pain.
When I get to somebody's house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
For years I thought that my wife was repulsed by me but as it turns out she just doesn't put out on the first marriage.
why didn't the antelope like to go on the rollercoaster because he is anti loops
I only wash my hands when other dudes are in the bathroom.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A bird that lays down !
I've been thinking about Oscar Pistorious's case... I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? TENTACLES!
This oatmeal tastes like I'm gonna need a doughnut.
My parents are so strict.. they yelled at me cause i only got a B on my bloodtest.
I gave up on photography. Couldn't focus.
I bought a new fragrance today... Bc I heard with the right Cologne, women just can't say no to you
What does sex have in common with a savings account... What does sex have in common with a savings account? Answer is: "You lose interest once you make a withdrawal".
What did NaCl go to prison for? A-salt
The clock was still hungry... so it went back four seconds.
Non-lactating cows are milk duds.
You're never drinking alone if you nickname your ice cubes.
I was bitten by a mosquito today. It sucked.
Why is sex with hipsters always unsatisfying? Because they always come before it's cool.
What do identical stars do? Twin-kle
I'm surprised that more people don't shoot at the signs on Target stores.
Why was the prostitute so good at her job? It was in her whoremoans.
What did the lizard get at home depot? Reptile.
What did the psychic velociraptor say to his friend? "Dino what you're thinking."
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth... Then it's a soap opera.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop &amp; a lobster with breast implants.. One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
Why did the rich guy crash his car? He wanted to see how the Mercedes bends
I was going to buy a greek yogurt today, every little helps. Come on guys, lets pull together.
Horse walks into a bar Bartender says: "Why the long face?"...... Horse responds: "Because my drinking problem is tearing my family apart."
I hear there's a sex toy and lingerie shop for chavs. Nissan Summers.
Two muffins are in an oven One turns to the other and says "So how are we going to get out of here?" The other screams "GAH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
It's a boy! "It's a boy", Jimbo shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, Jimbo came running out of the room. And never returned to Bangkok again.
What does pizza and vagina have in common? They both good hot or cold
Why did the US Informant get stuck in Russia? He was snowed-in.
How do you make a gay guy fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
My compass I have a compass, but instead of North, South, etc, it just points to Orc's, so when people ask me for directions, it's always orcward.
I asked my wife if we could have sex even though she was on her period.. ...she said she may be able to pull some strings
Why are woman so happy in wedding photos? They know they've given their last blowjob.
One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?".... The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".
Teacher : How can we keep our school Clean? Student : By Staying at home. :p
What do you call a midget party? ...a little get-together.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Inception (2010) - Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster" We don't deliver.
I learned today that I'm still a reddit noob.
What do you call a silly, apathetic German boy? Agoofaloofagus
Why did the short vampire like to gamble? Because the stakes were high!
I like my women like I like my video games... Finish this joke! There's a thousand punchlines. I want to hear yours!
How I met your father announced. Starring me and your mom.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
What do you call a feline massage therapist? A cat scratcher.
Ladies, if you give men a choice between two things we'll pick the first. We stopped listening and didn't hear the second.
I am a Amish man with no access to the internet, AMA Did you even read the title?
Why didn't Timmy get his parents Christmas presents? He's an orphan.
The absolutely wrongest answer when you ask a woman if the carpet matches the drapes "Nope. Hardwood floors."
Serious question... Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
How do you make a baby cry twice? NSFL You wipe your bloody dick on his/her teddy bear.
Why didn't Rick Grimes settle his group in an abandoned senior center? Too many walkers.
Did you hear about the cop who arrested the almond who was smuggling heroin across the border? He busted a nut.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.
if you have a dirty lift raft... does it make it a dingy dingy?
The hardest part about breaking up with your Japanese girlfriend... Is that you have to drop the bomb twice..
I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs. Longest surname I've ever seen.
Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
*draws a line in the sand* *looks at the line in the sand* *decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I hope there will be a riot where I live... I really want to have an Xbox one and a new TV.
Guy on phone telling gf he's bringing her a HUGE bouquet b/c 'she deserves the best'. Hilariously, he was peeing at a urinal the whole time.
What is a 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.
What is the difference between a physicist and a biologist? A physicist is atoms studying themselves, while a biologist is cells that study themselves.
"You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark." The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
New years- the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early
Did you hear about the emo windows? They were double-pained :,(
HH The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place.. ..and says "Please make me one with everything"
What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices &amp; accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard
revolting SERVANT: Ms. Pao, the Redditors are revolting! PAO: Well, you're not so pretty yourself...
Ah Toronto, the only city where the leaves fall in autumn... ...and the Leafs fall in the spring
[ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E
Standing on a corner waving an advertisement sign is a sweet job, but probably unnerving knowing you could be replaced anytime with a stick.
A man with dyslexia... Walks into a bra.
I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2012 & a beautiful beginning into 2013.
We used have Empires ruled by Emperors. Then We used have kingdom ruled by kings. Now We live in ... And We are about elect Hilary
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe.. Eww! I thought you were a spider. Eww! Someone's bringing raisins in my house.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else's.
After sex a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his organ was to small. He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".
Want to know why carrots give you good vision? Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses before?
I knew you'd come crawling back the minute I stole your wheelchair
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
What are the spookiest sounds? Skeletones.
This soup tastes funny Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
It was called a jumpoline...... Until your mom got on it.
Why are gay men se well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Pa's being chased by a bull! Well what in tarnation do you want me to do about it? Get me some film for my camera!
2 sheep are standing on a hill One turns to the other and says "Baaa!". The other sheep says "I was just going to say that".
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow! Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong? The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.
(x) calls up a popular restaurant... The owner says, "Sorry, we don't cater functions."
Why did the condom cross the road? Because it was pissed off.
All I'm saying is there's no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Take me down to the console city Where the games are blurry and the frames are thirty.
Yo guys, does it smell like updog in here to you?
If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?
What do you call a transvestite in Spanish? HERmano
Do you know the time ? No we haven't met yet !
"Hi, I'm Garfield, a cat who hates Mondays. But I'm here to tell you that there's nothing lasagna' about global warming."
I used to date the lead singer of the cranberries Until i found out she was cheating on me....turns out she had some turkey on the side. :D
How do you stop a Polish battletank? Shoot the guy pushing it.
"HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!" "Has it got ears?" "YEAH." "Tail?" "YEAH." "Is it the dog?" "I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF--AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!"
What do you call a reliable coke dealer? Instagram
Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children... Whoops, wrong thread.
"Pistorius" sounds like a spell Harry Potter would have use to make someone's legs disappear. This is Frankie Boyles joke, not mine
[at my intervention] mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $4.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.
if you whisper "snapchat" in the mirror 3 times a white girl will appear and say "hold on let me grab my Bacardi before you take the pic!"
I love getting blowjobs, but sometimes I feel like an asshole.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I'm having sex ... Probably with the other sock.
Why did the shell not go to the beach? Because he was self-CONCH-ious.
Hey! I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my tarifa por 2 horas, so pay me maybe.
I like how McDonalds mixes the napkins in the to-go bag with the greasy food, so that even when I'm wiping my mouth I can get fatter.
Prostitutes are like the Elves from Lord of the Rings When you know them well enough they tell you their true name
The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!".
Two aardvarks watched in amazement as a  firework flashed across the sky. 1st aardvark: Wow! I wish I could fly like that. 2nd aardvark: You would if your tail was on fire.
I will carry 17 grocery bags or die trying before making two trips.
Someone talked to me today about having two X chromosomes. Typical woman.
Why were the Native Americans upset when it rained in April? Because April showers, bring May flowers!
What is a Muslim's Favorite Dinosaur??? Allahsaurus!
Why are Canadians given only a half  hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.
Plumbers are a lot like hookers... They'll unclog your pipes, but it's gonna cost ya.
women are like pokemon, they were originally released for Game Boy in 1996 and now encompass a vast series of games, toys, and cartoo
A zombie boyfriend will love you for your brain and not your body.
My uncle found the g-spot once... ...he tells people he lost those two fingers in the war.
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. "It's not unusual", he replied.
I'm so sick of political jokes... I've seen too many get elected.
Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.
My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got  stopped by a cop who said -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes officer but I wasn't going to be out that long.-
Please don't make fun of the Holocaust My grandfather died by falling off the guard tower Edit: Spelling
What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter? Cheque, mate!
A man died today when a pile of books fell on him. He only had his shelf to blame.
A dyslexic guy walked into a bra.
TIL that 4/3 people... Struggle with fractions
Why were the mountain climber's parents disappointed in him? He was always high! ^(I'm sorry)
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
What kind of cheese is best to watch Lost with? Smoked Muenster.
I was voted "most friendly" at my high school in 10th grade. It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.
What do you call a prostitute with one leg shorter than the other? A Trampoline.
I'm not racist. I just have a problem with people's tone.
Why did the baker's hands smell Because he kneaded a poo.
Life advice: 1.Never be afraid to say what's on your mind 2.Never be afraid to do what's on your mind 3.Don't take life advice on Twitter
"Are you there, God? It's me, well, you've probably never heard of me cuz I'm like really underground & shit." -- Hipster prayer
Growing up is watching your parents morph from superheroes to ordinary people just trying to figure stuff out.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.
What kind of weed do muslims smoke? Quranic
What are Aladdin's least favourite biscuits Jaffar Cakes
If you don't come to my funeral, then I won't go.
"Why do you hate me?" - me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Bruce willis was found dead next to a bottle of viagra I guess you could say he died hard
how much does a polar bear weigh? enough to break the ice what's up girl my name is bill
Home alone... Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
What's a telemarketer's favourite element? Scamdium.
Doctor: "You have lost a lot of blood." Me: "That's not good." Doctor: "It's not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen."
What do you call a zoo where the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog? A shitzu.
I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...
Thumb war is never the thumb answer.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He's a web kinda guy.
When a women says "What?" its not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change your answer
Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.
How do you end a relationship fight? You break it up.
What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel? A bit of a shock really!
What's the difference between Marty McFly and a Bears fan? Eventually, Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985.
[Meta] the number of subscribers in this sub is a joke right? Did I miss something?
You had me until the final shot, local commercial. An employee in the back row didn't wave hard enough. No sale.
Taylor Swift Stabs Lucky Fan 1,989 times.
If you've never had a 4 hour conversation about which cartoon character gives the best blowjobs, then I question your commitment to tequila.
Parents: You are adopted. Son: You assholes! I want to see my real parents! Parents: We are your real parents. Pack your stuff, the car comes in one hour.
knock knock! who's there? not trayvon martin -- that nigga dead!
Single by choice, just not my choice. Damn you, 19th amendment!
[First day as a superhero] Oh hell yeah! *sees a crime happening* Already? Ok... *the bad guy looks really mean* Umm, I'll get the next one
[Toothpaste Laboratory] Dentist 1: Yes Dentist 2: Yes Dentist 3: Yes Dentist 4: Yes Dentist 5: Not so fast...
What are Mario and Luigis overalls made out of? Denim denim denim
Did you hear about the twins with a fruit fetish? (May be NSFW) They came in pears
What do Japanese men do when they have an erection? They vote.
I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have "followed" me. I'm getting choked tonite. Help.
U2 donated that album without charging, and we hate it. That's pro bono and anti-Bono at the same time.
Why did the golfer wear a extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one
Thank you, Mario, for rescuing our daughter... So, what now? Like, do we just pay you standard plumber rates? We didn't ask you to do this.
How do you get 50 little old ladies to scream FUCK at the same time? Have the 51st scream BINGO!
You know I'm glad there are women in the world... Otherwise life would be a pain in the ass.
I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered "please stop stealing my spotlight"
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer Bartender replies "For you, no charge".
Confucius he say Man who wank into till Come into money. Source: My mate Dave at uni circa 1998.
what's up guys welcome 2 mtv cribs 2016 edition today we gonna show you how white peoples homes are oppressive
Interns think of God residents pray  to God doctors talk to God nurses ARE God.
Some chump in an orange apron in B&amp;Q just asked me if I wanted decking... Fortunately I got the first punch in.
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin  opener ? He had a bee in his suit of armour !
What did one plant say to another when it dropped its camera into the sea? "Photos-in-the-seas!"
Remember these two words. They will open up the doors in your life. Push and pull
What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear? Boulangerie.
What do you call an Asian lobster? A crustasian
Don't make fun of Terry If he kills you, you would die of dissin' Terry
WHATS A HIPPY?? THE THINGY WHERE YOUR LEGGIES HANG FROM
Please don't tell my three year old his oversized black calculator isn't really an iPad. He'd be crushed to learn his dad lied to him.
How do you tell if someone is a metalhead, pot-smoker or pro-gay? They never shut up about it! :D
What's the best way to piss off your best friend? Stand on top of his head and make it rain.
You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
"My fellow Americans-" Barack "we are working tirelessly-" Sir "to make sure-" Barack. You're still wearing ur xbox headset
I feel the same away about the porn industry that I do about the meat industry. They both make great things, but I wish they treated the meat a little better.
whats a pimps favorite cereal? cheeryhoes
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today... him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I used to work as a waiter... ...the hours were terrible, but hey, it put food on the table.
Why are crabs always tired? Because they sleep in snatches.
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick Me: not if I'm banking on them eating my body
well technicaly my oficial title is "head research scientist in the field of DNA sequencimg manipulation" but u can call me "gene hack man"
If masturbation lead to blindness internet would be in Braille
I have a stepladder... ...because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding. *Followed*
Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.
What's The Difference Between Donald Trump and a Bucket of Shit? The Bucket!
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What's the difference between Nicole Simpson and Princess Dianna? Princess Di was killed ~ by a white man ~ in a black car.
I'll bet your parents hit the JERKpot!
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it's up to you.
Who is Monica Lewinsky's favorite football player? Clinton-Dix, HaHa!
Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
What's the difference between a bag of sugar and a dead baby? I don't use sugar in my signature cookies.
Are you the fourth derivative of a position function? Cause you're a jerk!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Why did the Marxist drop out of school? He didn't like the classes.
Why didn't the two tampons talk to each other? Because they were stuck up bitches.
Half-Life 3 is getting made.
Why do ducks have flat webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires.
Did you hear about the proctologist who had a car accident? It rectum.
I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.
I'm not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Bernie Sanders is like the Wizard of Oz... ...because he took Kansas by storm.
How soft is Bill Gate's pillow? Microsoft.
Whenever I Think Of Books I touch my shelf.
What is the worst part of a prostitute and the best part of a pie? The crust.
This guy came up to me and told me that he fucked my mom My step dad is weird as fuck
I'm pro-choice; pro-life is for babies.
Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view.
do not be racist Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
Who can shave 25 times in one day, and still have a beard? A barber!
Someone asked me what it's like now that I'm circumcized I told them I get a little less head.
What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? Pumpkin Pi. (   )
I welcome new employees by leaving a candy bar on their desk. Then I drop by later and yell, "Yo, who ate my candy? You're my bitch now!".
Why couldn't you trust the king of the jungle? He was a lion.
I have a Polish friend who is roadie for a rock band I have a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
I like my women like I like my fields..... fertile and full of my seed
Whoops, I said "fuck" in front if the kid again. I am the Joe Biden of this family.
A cop stopped a man smoking cannabis while driving The officer asked "how high are you?" The man replied "no officer, its hi how are you"
I saw many places when I fought in WWII.. But I did Nazi Germany.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.
What do space aliens put on their windows? Venutian blinds.
If Private Ryan was Black...it would be called.."Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan."
My wife has a logic fetish... She's always coming to conclusions.
I'd make an Apple joke... But they'd probably remove it.
What is a drug addict's favorite series? Really anything with a strong Heroine
I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Hey baby wanna come back to my place for a little..."double entendre?"
My wife always freaks out when she's on her period Keep having to tell her to stop ovary acting.
"Sorry dad... my cat ripped your sweater" "Darn it!"
Whenever I'm watching the NBA and a ref makes a bad call, I go down to Foot Locker and yell at the employees.
A woman recently tried to flirt with me using a electric mixer. She said she was going to whisk me away.
Why do Native Americans hate it when it rains in April? Because it brings Mayflowers.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He's too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
What's the difference between an eight-ball of cocaine and a pre-pubescent boy? Eric Clapton wouldn't let an eight-ball of coke fall out a hotel window.
Just once I'd like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The most attractive thing about you is your gravity.
The karate student kept killing all his teachers... I guess he became desenseitized
Me and my new girlfriend are both scientists, archaeologists to be exact... .. we're carbon, dating.
yesterday when I was contemplating my life while playing volleyball I wondered why the volleyball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?" it's a rhetorical question I know this now
This week in Nascar it all comes down to one race... The Caucasians.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female? Because they're never wrong
Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open.
Why do drummers carry transparent lunchboxes? So they know if they are going to the gig, or coming from it. Ta-boom!
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.
Hey guys let me know if you figure out a way for me to rt myself. Some of these are pretty great.
I knew a woman who was very liberal with her kids. She had them aborted.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Why was four afraid of five? Because five was a six offender
Why did Opey get fired from his job as a pizza delivery boy? Because Opey never delivered.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph... Because he's not a full essay
If there was someone selling drugs in this place... .... Weed know.
Confucius say: "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."
Why are the busiest paleontologists always rednecks? Because they are always caught up in some type of relative dating.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic. RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air ME: HOLY SHIT
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
*makes third wish* Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women. [Transformed into really nice handbag] Dammit.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party? Because everyone was a goblin
Knock Knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 Who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!!!
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.
Q: How many Director's does it take to  screw in a light bulb? A: Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute blonde?
our top story today after a disappointing summer Humpty Dumpty has a great fall
Bloody Good Question How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I'M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN'T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[wife replies to text that I found a genie] dont do a thing im almost home [she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I don't understand why women get so angry and stressed on their period. It's such an ovary action
What's got two legs and bleed a lot? half-a-dog!
Chuck Norris can squeeze blood from a stone. He must feed his children.
I wonder who coined the term money.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we'll crash in a forest & I'll become their King.
TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation. It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.
The other day a man knocked on my door and asked me for a small donation towards the local swimming pool... I gave him a glass of water.
I love drowning... It just takes my breath away.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife* ME: holy shit
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.
Congratulations r/jokes on being the most eco-friendly subreddit! 95% of your material is recycled! (Love you guys &lt;3 )
How do crabs get out of hospitals? On crotches.
Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors? So they can see the battle.
Where's the best place to hide a body in texas? Oops. Wrong subreddit!
I ate too much alphabet soup and became consonated. I was better after I evacuated my vowels.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full I heard this on a radio show and thought it was worth sharing
YOU: Please be aware-- ME: I'm not. I never will be. I've never even SEEN a "ware"
*Gets down on one knee* "Can you drive us to dinner I have three DUI's"
My Grandfather developed Cancer when he was younger Some say he's the most evil scientist to ever have lived.
My company's health plan is a guy who comes to your house when you're sick and yells, "DON'T YOU QUIT ON ME!"
The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman...always go with Batman
What education program did Eric Wright enroll in? ECE
We'd probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.
Why does a bride wear white? So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
How does a cow do math? With a cowculator!
What has 2 wings and a halo? Did you say angel? WRONG! Its a chinese phone. *Wing Wing* "Halo?"
My Gf asked me How many times I jerked off I told her I only tried it a handful of times
I was at the park today by the playground. A mother asked me which kid was mine. "I haven't decided yet.".
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants... The bartender says "Hey! You know you've got a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies: "ARRR it's drivin' me nuts!"
My girlfriend has Parkinson's Disease. And the hand jobs are AMAZING!
Did you know the world's first sniper was Mexican? He even inspired the Sniper motto. Juan shot, Juan kill.
One of the worst things you can possibly do to someone is return their text with a call.
Everybody loves my mom's cooking The only thing she's ever made that people didn't like was me
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn't spending recording or performing music.
I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out. It felt good being on the winning side for once.
HONEST JOE'S DISCOUNT BREAST IMPLANT EMPORIUM. WHY PAY $6,000 FOR SILICON WHEN YOU CAN PAY $20 FOR WOOD
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I'm enthralled by curling. No, not enthralled. What's the word for interested in something, but not enough to look it up on Wikipedia? That.
How does Rudy Giuliani count to 10? He doesn't; he skips 1-8 and says 9-11 ten times.
Toilet humor Why was the toilet scared? Because shit was about to go down!
My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.
How do you ask someone if they're Vegan? You don't need to, they'll tell you
Marvin Gaye's Last Day on Earth Marvin (holding present): Happy Birthday Dad!!! Dad: Marvin, if this is another tie, I'm gonna kill you.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you're 4 wheel
Clitoris A boy asks his dad: "Daddy, what is a clitoris?" Dad replies: "You should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue."
how much onion does dad use in his bolognese? shallot
What sound does a turkey now make? Coup.
Never telling another baby goat joke again. I'm not kidding.
Why do most blind folks not skydive? The sound of the dog screaming at 8000 feet gets to you after a while.
a photon checks into a hotel... And the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and he replies, "no, I'm traveling light."
i have a very frustrated pet at home... its a turtle that loves to chase cars
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number. ME: *thinks for a bit* ...k MAGICIAN: That is a letter. ME: omg ur right
I bought my friend an elephant... I bought my friend an elephant to put in her room. She said "thank you very much" I said "don't mention it"
What do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein
How do you piss of an archaeologist? Hand him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Ill tell you tomorow.
Son and Dad Joke Son: Dad, when i look down i have 4 balls. How is that possible ? Dad: I'm fucking your ass, son.
Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes? Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.
"How fast can you hack into the system!?" "20-25 minutes." "You've got 10 minutes!" "Okay, well then I can't." - real life spy dialogues
One i made up for my mexican friends. If a Rabbi blesses food it's kosher. What do you call enchilada sauce bkessed by a priest? A: HOLY MOLE' Thank you, I'll be in r/dadjokes all week!
Did any of you hear about that pedo music teacher? The one who broke a G string while fingering A minor.
People always tell me I'm funny and I always have to remind them I'm Dad.
What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A roamin catholic
Sarah Palin bought up all of Alaska's pancake mix She's trying to keep her son from battering women
Hey people who design vacuums- Why the headlight? Are people vacuuming in the dark? or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen?
It would be hard work being a deep-sea diver they're under a lot of pressure.
CanOfWorms.exe
It's a bad idea to eat the meat from the female cows. That would be a Miss Steak.
Me: I'd like to report a disturbance. Police Dispatcher: Okay, where sir? Me: In the force, I can feel it.
Life Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life, no one helps you once you're fucked!
Today a preacher told me that Jesus died for me, it made feel feel horrible.... I didn't even know the poor guy was sick!
What's black and white and red all over? The slowest zebra.
If a bunch of white people running down a hill is an avalanche, what is a bunch of black people running down a hill? A prison break.
I killed my twin because she wouldn't admit that she was the evil one.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
When the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show comes on the TV. So do I.
How does an economist open a can of beans? "Assume you have a can opener..."
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
What's the name of Brendan Dassey's favorite band? The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
What did the poles do during world war two? They held the telephone wires off the ground.
OBAMA REVEALS HES A KID STANDING ON A KIDS SHOULDERS. ROMNEY COUNTERS BY REVEALING HES 3 TINY KIDS. 20 BABIES TUMBLE OUT OF BIDENS CLOTHES
What refreshing beverage will no red-blooded American male ever drink again ? ... wait for it ... an ice-cold Bruceski
Who is Shrek's favorite basketball player? Shrekquille O'Neal I'm sorry
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Madeleine McCann
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
I met this guy who said he was a Mir space station Engineer. But I thought it was quite an achievement.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
I went into my sons room and found a mouse, so I stamped it to death. It would have been so much easier if there wasn't a fucking cage around it.
"I just got a fruit juicer because they say juicing adds years to your life... ...What they don't tell you is the years you add juicing, you lose cleaning you juicer." -Kyle Dunnigan-
If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.
I miss lost brain cells the most when I can't find my car keys. Also, my car.
I turned into a transformer last night... And boy are my arms tires
Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives? They're called the Clue Clucks Clan
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be 'land'
Why did the rapper die after being shot? He forgot 2pac his bullet proof vest
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He was drinking his coffee before it was cool.
moms outraged over new ninja turtels movie. "theres too much violence" says one mom. says another "they r named after guys who sculpt butts"
DOES HOLY WATER WORK ON OBNOXIOUS CHILDREN
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute
What do you call a dad butt? Dat ass
My Chinese dad told me all Chinese Women look the same... That's why he's a polygamist.
Which sex position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your parents.
just ate about 3 pounds of eggplant parm. time to fuck.
Comic Sans Serif walks into a bar.... ... the bartender says: "Get out! We don't serve your type here! "
I hate it when the neighbor's dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant... All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
I purposely did not bring my reusable shopping bags to the grocery store and I have never felt so alive!
What do you call of group of black people? A group, you fucking racist
Did you hear about the man who got his entire left side of his body mauled off by a bear? He's all right now.
How do rednecks know when their sister is on her period? Their dad's dick tastes like blood.
Welcome to heaven, here is your harp. Welcome to hell, here is your accordion.
How can U make a difference? Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*
What are most incarcerated inner-city youths locked up for? Some bullshit
Real House Wines.
It seems that Montana has found a new use for sheep . . . Wool
Want to hear a joke about a man suffering from constipation? Tough shit.
NORTH WEST KIM AND KANYE HAVE DECIDED TO NAME THE BABY 'NORTH'. I WONDER IF THE BABY WAS CONCIEVED AT THE MILE HIGH CLUB ON NORTH WEST AIRLINES
People who smoke cigarettes die sooner, but people who smoke e-cigarettes deserve it more.
What's the difference between a jew and pork ? Cooking time.
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
(Selling my soul) Just sign here and here "I should have a lawyer read this" *a million lawyers crawl through hell* We have plenty of those
TRUE STORY Just made this restaurant change its "All you can drink Brunch" Policy.
I don't like people call me fatty I like people call me to eat.
How does a mermaid give birth? By sea-section!
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
LAMP FOR SALE: gold, antique, good patina, evil genie, functions like new, you will be killed, shiny, polished, be careful what you wish for
I saw the last perfume made by Internet Explorer . I was fascinated by the slogan : " use it today, smell it tomorrow"
What's the difference between a fake orgasm and a fake Christmas tree? Not everyone can tell when you have a fake Christmas tree.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
If Einstein were alive, he would listen to 10 minutes of scientific breakthroughs before asking you to describe free online porn again.
Coworker: you play any sports Me: yeah but I've had to take a break from it CW: oh..Injury? Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He tried to work it out with a slide rule.
What do you call two black dudes on a motorcycle? An Africa Twin.
It's impossible to stick out your tongue and roll your eyes up at the same time ...without looking like an idiot.
What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life? Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window
I knew I was old when I opened internet explorer.
Why did Hank Hill join an S&amp;M club? He heard they were Pro-Pain.
Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals.
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy
[petting friend's new guidedog] so how did you get here? "he brought me" wow [later in bed w/ wife] did you know dave's dog can drive a car?
What did the suicide bomber ask his son? "What do you want to be when you blow up?"
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday. First time posting, please be gentle.
Stop calling Donald Trump "Hitler" Really, Hitler doesn't deserve to be slandered like that!
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over? Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there Cop:.... Me:.. Cop: sir, your tailamp is out Me:...
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single Me: *you're
Say what you want about pedophiles... ...at least they don't speed in school zones.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how in the hell did they get in there?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70's when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My neighborhood barber just went to jail for dealing drugs... I never knew he was a barber..
He'd probably stop sending me "good morning, beautiful" texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.
The Lesbian couple next door... got me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like "yo why did u kill that kid"
"What did two years of Spanish classes teach you in high school?" Nadar
What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar? He raised Cain.
knock knock. Who's there? Lee Lee who? No, Lee hao.
I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?
How do farmers party? They *turnip* the *beets*. :/
My brain hurts. That means it's getting stronger. Right?
What is a printer's favorite type of jelly? Jelly's fine, but paper jam is the best!
What do you mean I can't change the past? *logs on to Wikipedia*
Know what I call girls who run faster than me? Cardio
Why is marriage is like an alarm clock? After the ring, you wake up!
Wife's Dream! Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
Trump is like a racehorse.... If it aint running, it's just an ass.
What's a farmers favourite part of a novel? The plot.
Why did my semen cross the road? The condom broke
Why do athletes prefer nuns to time their laps? Because when a nun times anything it's zero. (0*n=0) :D
What did the undertaker say as the coffin fell out of the car? "We'll have to rehearse that."
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald's.
What is the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick in a girl's ass.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Mexican &amp; Black jokes are all the same, once you've heard Jaun, you've heard Jamal.
Today, I went to the toilet without bringing my phone. There are 178 tiles in the bathroom all and 6 stalls in total.
Spell Xenophobia H-A-N-S-O-N
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I received a document about the ROM in my computer science class it was read only.
I've been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn't say not to do that.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning. I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it's been, "Your eyeliner is really crooked."
A moral compass is just a clock that isn't drunk enough.
Relationship advice on /r/relationships User: So my boyfriend and I... Adviser: Dump him.
I may have Alzheimer... ... but at least I don't have Alzheimer.
What's the difference between a chick with a dick and a guy with tits? Empty testicals.
What would you call a terrorist organisation run by wielders of the dark side of the force? ISITH
What's Goku's favorite subject? Super Science.
If the pensieve from Harry Potter could think... It would be thoughtful.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
"Can you tie a knot?"... "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?" "Fuck off!"
When does a dyslexic person know they've bought the wrong SUV? When they're in Denali.
I am a child molester just like my dad was a child molester. He rubbed off on me.
I never feel more American than when Hulu makes me pick my "advertising experience."
What is a cannibal's favorite food at the county fair? Chili con Carny.
What do you call a Latino woman with no legs? Consuelo^(cunts-way-low).
How can you pick out the prostitute in the miss America pageant. She's the one wearing the sash that says Idaho.
When you have the choice between cleaning the bath or doing some sport... which series do you watch ? :D
Do you send e-mails on your home computer? What's the point? I can just bring my home along with me and have a chat.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I was going to tell you a joke about infinity But there is no end to the joke....
We must be subatomic particles, because I feel strong force between us.
What did the pebble say to the rock? I wish I was a little boulder!
Paddy was rushed to hospital after he became slightly ill at the boxing gym It was only belly ache, but he tried to swallow the medicine ball.
I wish vaginas were like MacBooks. Macs don't get viruses.
So a ion walks into a bar... So an ion walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "hey I may have lost an electron." Bartender asks in reply, "are you sure?" Ion answers, "yeah, I'm positive."
Why did the woman sky-diver wear a jock strap? So she didn't whistle on the way down.
How did Australians get ebola? By eating at Outbreak Steak House
Give me your best pun and I will put them in the despiption.
What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist? A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.
Instead of Kanye learning anybody else's name, I bet he calls everyone Not Kanye.
I told my friend she drew her eye brows on too high... She looked surprised.
9/11 Americans Won't get this joke
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Trying to give up cold turkey It's hard though when there is so much left over from Christmas.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don't, you still eat food and that's all that really matters.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Mgr: What'd she want? Me: nothing. Mgr: Where're all the donuts?
[Trigger Warning] [Deliberately Offensive Joke] NSFW. I'm irresistible to woman. ... Only because I'm much stronger than them!
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature's best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.
I used to be indecisive... but now I'm not so sure.
If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I'm annoyed
Hey girl, are you a fan? Because you're obsessive and loud
There are 10 different types of people in the world Those that understand binary, and those that don't
Why is paper money more valuable than coins? When you put it in your pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases. -
Yo mama's so fat she fell out of bed and caused the Great Depression. I'm so sorry for posting a Yo Mama.
I just went to a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Why did Elvis' mom get mad when people called him "Elvis the pelvis"? Because he had a brother named Enos.
WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.
Complete Guide to Understand Women ...............................
[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock... Whoops, wrong sub.
Want to hear a Cosby joke? Wait ... I told it wrong. I wasn't supposed to ask for consent.
I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes: Please stop. Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women. Love, M
Puberty doesn't hit asians Their parents do.
I used to be a Banker.... but then I lost interest
In a blind test, 100% of participants... said they totally didn't see this joke coming.
[catching breath at friends house] I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Bill cosby is like life They both end up fucking you
MISSING HER SHE SAID SHE DON'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, THEN I WON 300,00 DOLLARS AND NOW SHE WANTS ME......I GAVE HER A DOLLAR AND TOLD HER WENDY'S IS OPEN.....LOL
How do you beat the Islanders? Give 'em a 3 goal lead
First Witch: I like your toad. He always has such a nice expression on his face. Second Witch: It's because he's a hoptimist.
Chris Rea came to my garden centre today... ...he bought a driving gnome for Christmas.
Racist Surfer What did the racist surfer say when asked about hanging a black man? Hang ten dude!!
How many black metalheads does it take to change a light bulb? 100. 1 to change the light bulb and the other 99 to complain about how the old light bulb was much better.
[customs] "Passport?" *I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out* ME: OH NO OH GOD *still rummaging through bag* ME: I've forgotten it
I bought a Molotov Cocktail today It was $850 and they called it the Note 7
What's a joke that you invented? Here's mine: Did you hear about the guy who had to snort a line of baking soda every day? He was basically addicted.
Two ninjas are training in a field. One ninja says "I'll bet you can't hit that that target with your throwing star." The other ninja says "Shur-I-ken."
What do you call a midget mexican? A paragraph since he isn't a full essay
My wife and I are doing role reversal to spice up our sex life... She's going to be the aggressor, and I'm going to lay there like a corpse.
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen uses ? Enough to kill two and half a man.
Told my pregnant boss this: Is it OK for you to drink while pregnant... if you're gonna give the baby up for adoption? She laughed at least. But I no longer work there
I wouldn't say I never exercise. Occasionally, my nose runs.
A baker gets home from work. He then says "Time to go to bread".
[writing own obituary before going to the zoo just in case] "his hatred of lions was well known and dreamt of fighting one two of them"
I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said let's go get a bucket of parrot.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the concert? He had no body to go with.
4 out of 1 dentists have multiple personality disorder
You can use lemon juice to get the goat's blood out of the drapes. #householdhints
The mayor of Baltimore
What do you get when you cross an English bulldog and a Shih Tzu? A bull-shiht!
Did you hear about Trump's import tax assessment? It's tariff-eyeing
I used to crush cans for a living, didn't like it though... It was soda pressing.
I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.
DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are? ME: Can't say I do DOC: That's one of the symptoms, yes.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now. Anxiety: Haha...Christmas.
Yo mamas ass is so fat She dont wear DENIM she wears DAMN!
How did the detective know the Necrophile Killer was a hipster? He fucked his victims before they were cool.
A german asks his friend for the time So a german asks his friend "Do you know what time it is?" "Nein" "really? I could've sworn it was 8"
What do you call a semi-professional proctologist? Someone doing a half-assed job.
New music is so bad you should be cool like me: longing for a fictionalized version of the past you werent even alive for in the first place
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you drink through that?
Groundhogs Constipation is a bit like watching for groundhogs on Groundhog Day. You know spring is coming early, but that reclusive rodent is nowhere to be seen.
Why did Princess Diana Cross the Road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt!
Why is it hard to buy potatoes on the black market? Because there are eyes everywhere!
Me: did you get into my weed again? Wife *dipping a pop tart in ranch dressing* what?
I like my women like my coffee... Imported, ground up, and in my freezer!!
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don't like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I'm 10 times more likely to get mugged in Colorado than I am in New York City. Because I don't live in New York City.
What's a pirates favorite letter? Them: R You: No, its the C!!!!
mike hawk is huge !!!
What airline allows you to pee in cruise? Wizz Air
I asked a Welshman how many sexual partners he had. He started counting but then he fell asleep.
Mum I found Dad Haven't I told you to stop making holes in the garden?
How does a barnacle like its martinis? On the rocks.
Spider van Spider van How do spiders drive a van? 10 on top 10 below Where would you like to go? Get in. Get in the Spider Van.
Drummer joke What is the difference between a podiatrist and Ginger Baker? A podiatrist bucks up your feet.
I'm not gay I just have a dick fetish.
When the Chinese fill out government forms... Under "Occupation" do they write "Tibet"?
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? Nothing. They never met.
Hey little kid in your adorable pink jacket: I'm no kidnapper, but if I was, you would be the one.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes your blood type.
Q: How do ghosts fly from one place to another? A: By scareplane.
what did the egg say to the boiling water? i dont know how long its going to take me to get hard i just got laid by a chick
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
[lays down] Me: Feels so good to close my eyes. Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.
I know someone that was frozen to absolute zero once. He was 0K.
A wife texts her husband "Windows frozen" "Pour some hot water over it" he replies. "Computer completely fucked now"
The anchorwoman on the local news just reported that Davy Jones from the Monkees has died At first I didn't believe it. But then I saw her face.
What do you see when you go to the tiny beach? Microwaves.
Some say English is tough... Some say English is tough, it can be understood through thorough thought though.
Ocean's Eleven? Ummmm I'm pretty sure it's a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[after lover's spat] ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes. HER: You're just naming foods. ME: Pumpkin. Muffin. HER: ... ME: Zucchini bread.
Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm... He tells the bartender "let me have a drink...and one for the road."
Crocs Why is wearing Crocs like getting a blowjob from a man? Because it feels fantastic, but then you look down and realise you're gay.
So this crazy guy starts talking to me on the train... "Is this the train to heaven?", he asks me. "No", I say. "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit", he replied.
[Racist] So a black guy and a Mexican fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The Mexican. The black guy's stopped by the rope!
To the handicapped guy that took my bag! (   ) You can hide but you can't run!
What do call a bunch of white people on a bench? The NBA
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to pop open a nice cold one.
I just bought a car flag for independence day, for only two dollars.. Now i just need to buy a car, and i am all set.
That ends your training. You're now a GameStop employee. Any questions? "What do I do if a girl comes in" Err *boss scrambles thru manual*
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
A boy walks into confession.... a short commotion later the lad limps back out
Knock knock Who is it? Daisy Daisy whom? Daysi me rollin', they hatin', patrolling. They wanna catch ne riding dirty!
Best joke ever Why is the orange Rolling down the road? Because it's run out of juice!!!!!! (:
Parents spend the first 3 years of their child's life teaching it to walk and talk.. They then spend the next 10 years teaching it to sit down and shut up.
The longest Joke in the world... Is very long.
9: I'm going to live with you guys forever me: I don't ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
If your wife is Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
So I'm taking a Terrorism and Covert Politics class Pretty sure I bombed the midterm.
Why does Russia not celebrate Thanksgiving? Because they hate Turkey
I didn't think my son would make a good postman. But he delivered.
Its not a good sign when you go to take a self portrait and your camera automatically switches itself to 'panoramic'.
What do you call tities in the middle of your beer? Better.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea??? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
They named a cricket tournament after my friend's grandfather. They call it the ashes for a reason.
What is the difference between sex and golf? In golf, less strokes is enough to win. I could actually use some help refining the punchline on this one if anyone has some ideas.
How long does it take a tweaker to go shopping? An hour 5 minutes for the Ramen noodles and foil. 55 minutes to fix the squeaky shopping cart wheel.
I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It's the best thing I can offer.
Who is the most famous DJ in Australia? DJ Redo
I do not take credit for this joke cash or checks are fine, though.
I tried buy only some of the songs off of a Beatles album But the store owner said they all come together
Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time.
My friend asked me for some inspiration for a Halloween costume. Apparently "The Emperor's New Clothes" was a bad idea.
Did you hear about the hunter who traded a prize deer for a high class prostitute? He got the best bang for his buck
Him: Hi Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My friend's a pyromaniac... I guess you could say he has a "burning desire".
If two vegetations are fighting... Is it still considered beef?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids? Hubs: With the door locked. Me: She means how do we manage...but yeah.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you'd come for me, my darling. where are you going
Son: Dad, how do stars die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
Anonymous now declared war on ISIS... It's now a hacking contest.
Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? "I still love Vista, baby"
Monster-making as a Hobby by Frank N.  Stine
I don't think Donald Trump realizes how strong and unified Latinos are... Every Latino is like a brick. When they come together they form a wall.
I don't think my inner child is ever moving out.
Hey girl are you like a gorilla exhibit? Cause I want to drop a baby in you.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? None, that is a hardware problem.
What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil? Popeye's penis
Could Jesus make a nerd so nerdy that even he couldn't resist giving him a wedgie?
Damn girl, are you an octagon? Cause there's like 8 different sides to you.
Why did the cow go to the psychologist? She had a fodder complex.
What's the difference between an extroverted mathematician and an introverted mathematician? The extroverted mathematician looks at YOUR shoes when he's speaking to you.
My love life. ...
My mom is the most hip and tech savvy person I know! She needs every possible search toolbar conceivable so the internet can keep up with her!
I told my girlfriend that we should play trains... All she'd have to do is sit on my face. Then ill "Chew chew". // not my joke //
Hey, black forest ham. Stop being so dramatic.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? He was a fun-gui!
My man wants me to understand him better so I'm not getting my mustache waxed this month.
The iPhone 6S+ has been doing really well so far... It seems to be a huge 6S
Where are PCs formed? In the computerus.
Does heavy lifting make you dumb? Yes Cause counting to 10 has never been this hard before
My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger. She'll be back.
What has 3 arms, 1 hat, 2 shirts, 1 jacket, 1 scarf, 1 gun, and 4 ears? The Tchernobyl cowboy.
Why don't they have driving classes and sex ed on the same day in Saudi Arabia? Because the camels get tired.
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Worried about hair loss? Just draw little rabbits on your head. From a distance they'll look like hares.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers.
I got my little brother a Cisformer for his birthday It's like a transformer, but it starts out as a car and stays that way
The ducks in Cern What does the ducks in Cern say? Quark Quark
Money is not a problem. The Problem is "I don't have Money!"
If you don't have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair? Cancer.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
call a man vandor of water die because of thirsty
Isis have just started making explosive prayer mats In their first quarterly report they said that prophets were going through the roof.
Do I like like a fan to you? Because you seem so much cooler when I'm around.
What's Donald Trump's favorite sport, according to CNN? Dodgeball.
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.
Dealer: You followed? Geologist: No man. Its cool. *dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out Geologist: Gneiss... Gneiss
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan. -Stolen from youtube
Manute Bol walks into a bar And says "The highballs are on me!"
Hey guys I just discovered something... It's called Christopher Columbus. I later robbed and killed him.
I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician... ...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
What do a hen house and OP's mom's mouth have in common? They're both more productive with a cock inside. Nsfw
When I see lover's names carved in a tree... I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.
What's the difference between peanut-butter and jam ? You can't peanut-butter it into her ass !
The first time your mom saw me naked She asked for an epidural
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
What's a Jewish Catch 22? Free Ham.
My name is Seamus and I build that bridge you just drove over. It's the longest spanning bridge in Ireland. Do they call me Seamus the Famous Bridge Builder? No, they don't, but fuck one sheep...
When I'm on a date, ... I like to tell the girl that "I'm available for a limited time only* In hopes that her shopping instincts will kick in.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old.
I'll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The Pope is sick. Apparently the Pope resigned because he was sick with bird flu. He got it from a Cardinal.
It's rude to ask someone to courtesy flush, so I always offer them an ass mint instead. I'm a gentleman.
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.
I'm like a dead owl... I just don't give a hoot anymore.
I made a belt from all of my old watches last night It was such a waist of time
There's 2 types of people in this world... Ones that pee in the shower And liars
People who unfollow me always seem startled when I show up at their home to conduct an exit interview
Why do Klingons feel very little pain? They produce a lot of endworfins.
Hippies glare at me when I use plastic bags at the market. I wouldn't need to if this pack of gum had some handles.
Geometry is so discriminatory How come there are only straight angles?
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!" It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Why does the chicken want to cross that road Because he wanted to reach the other side
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I'm hungry and in the area.
It's so cute how my kids think I'm going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
What's the difference between polite conversation and an erection? I can maintain polite conversation.
What must a vampire earn to learn to fly? His red wings.
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then ? Well I saw this light at the window...!
*looks up from phone* "Kids!! we're leaving the playground in 22 percent."
What do you call a cab driver who lost his brakes? A screwdriver
ME: will it hurt? DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees? ME: omg no! DR: ok. that's not what it's gonna feel like. I was just wondering
What's the difference between dreams and memes? I haven't given up on my memes yet
Why do gardeners make horrible cops? Because they keep planting evidence.
I went to go high five a shirt in my closet... ...but I left it hanging.
Jesus died for our sins. But then he came back to life. Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Ebay products are like sex You look at it online a lot but never see it in real life
Why can't you find pirates in Kansas? They all live in Arkansas
Good Ol' Fashion My favorite thing about a good ol' fashion DVD porno is the gag reel.
*eats a bag of chips* *eats 2 baked potatoes* *eats a plate of fries* *eats a plate of mashed potatoes* Being a vegetarian is easy!
What do you call a bunch of wealthy muslims? Ballah ballah ballah ballah ballah
How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb? None. Their President outsources the job to India.
My fiancee asked me why I always back into parking spots... I told her "guys typically want to just pull out". She was not amused.
What do you call a mill thats just ok? A satisfactory.
Why does Leonardo DiCaprio love his fast car? Because he got an award for revvin' it.
Did you hear about the guy who has a fetish for cashews? He's fucking nuts.
(Possible nsfw)Adam was watching Eve.... Masturbate with a fish. God said, great now I'm never gonna get the smell out!
If life gives you melons You might be dyslexic
i know a place where the recycling rate is 99% /r/jokes
What's the difference between Darth Vader and Tom Brady? Darth Vader probably gets high fived
some macians can walk on water but chuck norris can swim through land
Moses was the first hippie. He was a guy who came from the hills with long hair and sandals, and he brought with him tablets that made everybody feel good.
Knuckle tats: (I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I was born to be happy... not normal.
Men, what's worse than Satan himself? Satan herself
[restaurant] Man *proposing to his gf*: "Will you make me the happiest man alive?" [me, alone, eating nachos a table over] "Not possible"
I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
So I'm not allowed near petting zoos... .. Or as I prefer to call them, heavy petting zoos.
This coffee tastes like... ...mud, because it was ground a few minutes ago. EDIT: how to tag as 'dirty'?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
What do you call someone who commits piracy? Neckbeard the pirate
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin: A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I can't wait for hillary to become president and appoint bernie sanders as her vice president "I did not have sexual relations with that man"
Jimmy Savile was a terrible ventriloquist. He stuck his hand up my arse and told me not to say anything.
"Bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks." --William Shakespeare (i think)
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Cooking is actually really easy for anyone to do It's just that most people don't have thyme.
He said we needed to talk so I screamed 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house?' Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad
There are three fourth graders, a white boy, a black boy, and an asian boy. Who have the biggest dick? The black kid. Cause he's 21. People here get butthurt by the simplest jokes. Good lord.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, 'member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
So a blonde rips a particularly fragrant fart Some buddy says "k there, that smells like **diarrhea**!" Blonde replies "Oh, well that's funny because I don't remember eating diarrhea."
I was going to make a gay joke Butt fuck it...
What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by? Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here? Please, this is a cry for help.
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak
I don't have Instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday? Me: You could get me a "world's best dad" mug. 4: You told me not to lie.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I have swagger. At least, that's what my deodorant says.
How to measure the perfect amount of pasta Step 1: Measure out the perfect amount of pasta. Step 2: Wrong.
Why did the boy become an astronaut ? Because he was no earthly good !
Chuck Norris walked in a chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread...and got it.
What's Donald's true political party? Whig
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I walked into a bookstore and asked if they have any books on gloryholes. She said ya, over there in the mystery romance section.
Apparently the majority of The United Arab Emirates don't allow The Flintstones to be shown... However Abu Dhabi do.
Which part of your body shuts down last when you die? The eyes, cause they di-late.
So my girlfriend got a new tattoo...... Of a seashell located on her inner thigh, and the best part is if you place your ear next to it you can smell the ocean.
A Muslim, A Commie, and an Illegal Alien walk into a bar.. and the bartender says, "what can I get you Mr. President?"
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A milk dud!
Housekeeper: Professor there's a bill  collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't believe me.  Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and tell him myself.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."
What is the nastiest bun of them all A *cinna*bun
Whats the ducks favorite drug? QUACK
A double foot amputee hobbles into a yogurt factory and is immediately escorted out... They were lack toes intolerant.
Spreads legs... Nope Spreads two other legs .... Nope Spreads two others .... Dammit, no Spreads last two.... BINGO!! - spider sex
Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.
Why couldn't Hitler fly a plane? Because he could Nazi very well.
What's the pedophiles favorite holiday? Christmas. Because you can dress up like Santa Claus, and get free lap dances for a whole week.
Don't know if the boss will appreciate my sense of humor in this meeting, but either way the stripper is already paid for.
Why do dogs lick themselves? Because they can!
I know alcohol isn't the answer, but it's my best guess.
My daughter bought a new mattress for when she goes off to school, but was undecided about whether to keep it. I told her to sleep on it.
My gf said men only think with their penis. I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed The chicken, smoking a cigarette, turns to the egg and says, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
I got into a heated debate with my friend about time travel... We really opened a can of wormholes.
When does 2-1=0 ? When you're talking about choices.
What's black and white and can't fit through a door? (x-post r/AntiJokes) A zebra with a spear through its head.
why is it called bacon if you fry it
What do you call an Islamic pilot? A pilot, you racist.
[airport check-in] Me: I'd like to check this in Clerk: you'll have to take that on with u Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam judas: yo what the f
I'm already an idiot, I just need a village
Apple's latest phone is going to be a hit. It's the iPhone Success.
Spoiler Alert: There will be a minimum of 4 "Gangnam Styles" at every party this Halloween.
What do you do with unruly shapes? You put them in prism
I accidentally hit my head on a window today... It was paneful.
What is the definition of a farmer!? Someone who is out-standing in his field!
Poem flipped around Jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick her candy. He got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill's real name was randy
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Apples New Featured Release The Fappening.
Why did the mermaid wear sea shells? Cause she was too big for B- shells! (my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)
How many blacks does it take to start a riot? -1
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
What do you call a Muslim cowboy? Dirty hairy.
I went to a shop and asked the cashier, "can I have a KitKat Chunky?" After the cashier came back with a KitKat Chunky, I gave it back to her, saying "I wanted a regular KitKat, fatso!"
The dent "I noticed you've got a dent on your car?" "Yeah." "Oh. Did you drink too much last evening?" "Yes, I did." "I see. So your wife had to drive you home?" "Exactly."
I was going to say a dead baby joke... but I decided to abort
"If you are fat you will die," said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I understand why abortion is a touchy subject (NSFW) Because on one hand I'm all for killing babies but I really don't think women should have a choice in the matter
What's the best song to send to your father on Father's Day? *I'm Glad You Came*
I have decided that I am not a 30 something. I am 29.95, plus shipping and handling.
Your car keys will always be in the same pocket as the hand that's carrying 6 bags of groceries. Always.
Redimi2 - Bonita - Video Letra/Lyrics hola
Sometimes I like to lie on the kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.
San Francisco airport has RUG on the floor so I can't "kickslide" my bag around. What an embarrassing failure of a city & its people.
How did Hellen Keller burn her ear? She answered the iron.
[Watching babies first steps] *turns to wife* Has he been drinking?
Shout out to my kids. BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
What does an Australian witch ride on? A broomerang!
Britney Spears and WILL.A.AM go to use the toilet... Test... Mods plz delete omg
When my wife and I first got married she treated me like a god! Gave me burnt sacrifices every night.
Why did I cross the road? Because your mom was on the other side..
WHY DID THE KOALA FALL OUT OF THE TREE? Because it was dead.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Dads... Are just a bunch of mother fuckers
I don't have a lot of regrets but one time I met a girl named Stephanie & prematurely called her "Steph."
Spelling errors in quotations make me sic.
My date didn't go as planned and now I don't know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.
What do you call a perfect society formed by an Asian? A Yutopia
Let's get a beer Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
I love walking around the house naked. Damn neighbors keep complaining. They think I should do it in the house.
dishes laundry vacuuming dusting me *Things that won't get done today.
My ex-wife says she misses me... But her aim is getting better.
Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.
One man asks another, "What's the best thing about 28 year olds?" "There's twenty of them," replies the pedophile
If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!
And the Lord said unto John "come fourth, and ye shall have eternal life." John came in 5th, and won a toaster.
I bought my friend a new computer screen for Xmas. His New Year resolution is 1920 x 1080.
What does a prostitute and a lawyer have in common? They both screw you for $300 per hour. What's the difference? Most prostitutes have standards.
The golf joke What's the best part about golf? It's the only activity where you actually aim for the hole under 18 and you don't go to jail.
What do you call a woman with a very round head? Sophia. (sphere) it works best spoken
"Are you sexually ac-" [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
ME: "This might be a dumb question..." SCIENTIST: "There's no such thing as dumb que--" ME: "Am I a dragon?"
What did the janitor get for his birthday? A urinal cake.
Do you know why Morgan Freeman's name is Morgan Freeman? Because his first name is Morgan and his last name is Freeman
What do you call a Black Abortion Clinic? Crime Stoppers. I'm going to hell
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I knew should've put the oven on aloha setting.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank coffee, before it was cool.
7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy? Me: 7 years 7y: how long have you got left?
What's the difference between a bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean
Why is there no gambling in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.
What does a Mexican duck say? GUACK
I'm disappointed. I check reddit after last night's episode of TWD *SPOILER* and I don't see a single joke about Bob's Burgers.
Never trust an atom They make up everything.
Made a mistake while drawing with my crayons. Can't erase. I guess the dragon will just have to have disproportionately large nipples...
So there's a three-legged dog who walks into a saloon He sits at the bar and orders a drink, and tells the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot mah paw"
The only time I'm like "maybe god is real" is when I'm eating really really good nachos.
Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white... Now it looks like France landed there...
Relationships are a lot like Algebra... ...have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Q: What is a pig's favorite superhero? A: The Oinkredible Hulk.
What is Rickon Stark's favorite band? One Direction
You're good, Adobe Acrobat. You're fine just the way you are. No need to continue updating every three days.
Utopian Socialists have no class.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I wish my girlfriend would stop confusing my chivalry for chauvinism... Pssh... fucking women.
What do you say when a robot explodes into pieces? Rest in pieces. I'll show myself out now.
Supposedly Adam Ant has been trying to impress Robert Plant for years... ...everyone knows Adam Ant doesn't move Robert Plant, but he's got high hopes.
Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?
biggest joke ever? The U.N
I would tell your a chemistry joke But all the good ones argon
*leaves church* *sees McChicken video* *goes back to church*
I have finally figured out how to clone a human being! Needless to say, I am beside myself.
Little monster: Mom why can't we have dustbins like everyone else? Mother monster: Less talking more eating please.
Why do Jewish people have big noses? Air is free
I love my lungs... ...they have a place very close to my heart.
When you really want fried potatoes, just remember.... Keep your eyes on the fries
On this new /j thing im really back and forth on it
I'm hooked on abortion jokes, Gladly, they'll never get old.
Apple have talked about their most recent iPhone recently, The sales team seems to think it was a huge 6s
Feelings are like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Scorpio's drink water when they're thirsty" OMG THIS IS SO ME
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we've lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Beer nuts $1:50 Deer nuts under a buck
How do depressed frogs die? They Kermit suicide.
Joke from my 7 year old cousin - Why did the ninja go to college? He wanted to be a ninja-neer.
I adopt cats because I can't have any of my own.
So a man asks a rabbi... "Do you make a lot of money doing circumcisions?" To which the Rabbi replies: "Not really, but I get to keep the tips."
Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."
Child: Dad, I don't like the goldfish... Dad: Shut up and eat your dinner.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you're talking about BABIES?
Sure is hard going to cinemas with dyslexia "I'd like some uhh... cockporn please"
What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white? Alive.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rooster? The rooster clucks defiance. ^Let ^it ^sink ^in.
TIFU by making an overused joke. Reddit
Let's take a moment and remember the tragedy the Norwegians have suffered... they will never get to see Amy Winehouse live.
A Nazi and Jew walk into a bar.... Or was it a gas chamber i can't remember
So I called my boss this morning. I said "Hey boss, what's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He replied, "I don't know. What?" "I won't be coming in this morning."
I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex... I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I am your sister-in-law.
You say you can quit drinking whenever you want... ...but I bet you can't go more than two or three days without water.
So I'm out in the woods taking a shit when... ...a bear strolls up, cocks his head with a funny expression, and says, "I never knew you guys did that."
Kim Kardashian makes me long for the days when girls like her were hired to show prizes on game shows and we never had to hear them speak.
Apparently 98% of black people enjoy sex in the shower The rest 2% have never been to prison.
A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.
Why are politicians buried 6 feet under? Because deep down, they're good people.
Probably just one for the Irish but who knows.. What's the difference between an apple and an orange? You can't get an apple bastard.
Auto correct tries to change the word "pussies" to "Aussies".... Just saying.
What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Pardon me, I'm just a little hoarse.
Why can't the Tyrannosaurus Rex clap? Because they're dead
Did you guys hear what happened to Helen Keller? Neither did she.
The new federal health regulations require every citizen to take a half-hour daily walk. Now at least one part of Obamacare is constitutional.
Why was the monster standing on his head at  the birthday party? He heard they were having upside-down cake!
Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world What was I wearing ?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90's TV
Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the "intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist" wing of the Democratic Party.
I can't understand Undertale. It doesn't make sans.
What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection? LeBronchitis
When is a door not a door? When its ajar xD
What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i'm like "yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?"
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin? None. It is all tongue and groove
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? "Robin, get in the Batmobile."
What is the worst thing you can hear while blowing Willie Nelson? I'm not Willie Nelson.
Why are so many African Americans moving to Detroit? Because they hear there are no jobs there.
My new year celebration is Masturbating Couple's are enjoying their new year eve, friends are watching movies and I'm here still doing masturbating. Fuck yeah
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80's that brought you any level of fame
What's a pigs favorite morning tv show ? Morning Ham
I just joined a Tourettes Club took 5 hours to get sworn in...
Uranus has been the butt of many jokes. It's the gassiest of all planets.
Hockey joke Turnovers are like ex-wives; the more you have, the more they'll cost you.
What's the best part about having sex with 25 yr olds? There's 20 of them!
How Do they say "F**k You" in Hollywood? "Trust Me..."
A New Word For Your Vocabulary Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2012 election year.
What do you call two chinese guys in a firebird? Gooks of Hazard
Sometimes when I type my brother smashes my keyboard. But luckily it doesn't happen ofteklansiurbkjgnv hgaikuwh GI;OOR;KGHKJh klwhkjalhdhakjshdilBILWU HP KJn kjlgn
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats: A) Why? B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
god: go to earth jesus: why god: i have a plan jesus: is it a nice plan god: it's a plan
After doing it once they said a prostate exam is like riding a bike.. Without the seat.
the homeless woman I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Whats the greediest nut? a cashjew
How does the Consigliere get into the Godfather's house late at night? with his own set of donkeys!
DEFINITION OF DIPLOMACY Q: What is the definition of diplomacy? A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
I have created a subreddit dedicated to all times that OP doesn't deliver The link is in the comments
In Buddhism, people first die, then they attain Nirvana. ..Kurt Cobain did it the other way round.
Tonight I'm having a party for people who struggle to reach an orgasm just lemme know if you can't come
What did you do wrong if your wife comes out of the kitchen and yells at you? You made her chain to long.
That moment when you realize you can't ignore someones message on Facebook anymore because it shows that you've read it.
Is it hot in here, or is it just me? - Joan of Arc
Why did Arnold show up at the rodent infested house? Because he is an ex-Terminator.
Double limb transplants are so expensive They cost an arm and leg
Did you hear about the vampire comedian? He went straight for the jocular every time
More of a riddle, actually. I happen once a year, but twice a week. You can easily find me in a store, but you won't see me in a mall. What am I?
What do you call a pile of cats? a Meowtain
What do you call a gay farmer? A jolly rancher!
Here's the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.
I was going down on this guy.......... ..... He started playing with my hair. I mean, what a homo, right?
Why did the atheist cannibal stop eating Christians? Because they didn't agree with him.
Samuel L. Jackson should make alarm clocks.
If you think I'm flirting with you, I'm just being friendly. If you think I'm weird and I make you uncomfortable, I'm flirting with you.
I vote for less election coverage
You'll never guess what my login name is. Constipated.
Down a flight of stairs. That's how I roll. :(
A baby seal walks into a club.... ba dum bump - ting....
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
So drunk that if Dracula bit my neck right now, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
You remind me of a beautiful star in the night sky... You each have your own gravitational pull.
99 bugs in my code, 99 bugs in my code... Take one down, fix em' around, 404 bugs in my code.
Do ya know the difference between Scots and Scotch? Ay now. A Scot is a lad that can play the pipes. Scotch is what makes it so that he canna.
Interview Joke Interviewer: Why should we hire you Interviewee: Coz you are hiring :)
They say 1 is the loneliest number, but I bet 0 is even lonelier. Not only is he a single digit; he's fat.
What was John Lennons final hit? The pavement
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Whats Brown and Sticky? Mohammed Ali opening a can of coke.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what's stuck to the ceiling.
what did the soldier say to the other soldier when wanting him to get in the tank? "Get in the tank!"
I like my women like I like my shirts With a deep V
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Off duty cop: No *cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro* You're driving great, pal
There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . . Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.
Dear coffee, I want you inside of me
half life 3 will never come out lmfao got u~
Why should you always run next to a car? Because if you run behind it you get exhausted, and if you run in front of it you get tired!
[grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Twitter  Taking the everyday boring shit and putting a much better funny twist on it.
Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac with tourettes? He was up all last night wondering if there is a cunt.
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
New Neighbor: Hi, I'm Derek; I moved in downstairs. Me: I'm Spencer; I'll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[Inventing Cotton Candy] What if insulation was delicious?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile? Santa: Be realistic. Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job? Santa: I'll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.
Rhianna How does Rhianna look after a date with Chris Brown? White and gold.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage? Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
What do you get when you cross a male chicken with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Someone threw an egg at me, I wasn't able to dodge it. It was un-ovoid-able. =(
General Tso's Curse: You have every intention of trying something new, but you just can't order anything else.
Remember kids, dark humour is like food... Not everybody gets it.
I like my women how I like my showers... Cold, crying and alone.
I had some North Korean food yesterday... The [deleted] was delicious!
What did Obama say when he called the Russian Parliament? "Are you Putin me on?"
Girl are you a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls because I want to bang you on the counter
How do you know if a Catholic girl puts out? Ask her about her relationship with her father
What do you call a boat that looks like a penis? A Freudian ship
Nigger went to a shop Then he got aids and died
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Blind.
Why couldn't R get to P? He had to wait in a Q!
"This is your Captain speaking..." "...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."
What's a mexicans favorite game? Cross country.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It's not hard.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Camila ! Camila who ? Camila minute !
What does an uncircumcised Jedi use?
What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor (My nephew is watching Spongebob please send help my brain cells are leaving one by one)
Why did the melon leave her boyfriend? He said he can't elope.
This unit not available for individual resale. -tattoo on a retired prostitute's back.
How do you make a woman have an orgasm? Who cares?
I SAID I HAD A NEAR DEAF EXPERIENCE
What is a cheating wife's worst nightmare? A husband in his hybrid
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house? CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months [9 years later] CONTRACTOR: ok so we've installed 1 stair
My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.
What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange? Check, mate!
Why don't Mexicans have BBQ s? Because beans always fall through the grill.
How does a CANDU reactor work? By believing in itself.
The penis is a really strong organ... ... because it can take a beating
I used to be a necrophiliac... til the rotten cunt split on me
I don't know what STD causes blurry genitals... But Japan seems to have an epidemic of it.
Just lost my mood ring... not sure how I feel about that.
What does a blind person read in church? Holy Braille
Hear about the malaysia airlines pizza delivery order? Two large planes.
You shouldn't say mean things about the illiterate you should write them
In the middle of a GOP debate, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Just saw a girl wearing a "BAD GAL" t-shirt so I yelled "NO!" & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I really didn't like dick at first... Then it grew on me.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick into an asshole...
don't be offended if someone doesn't reply to your text. their phone is prob "just on silent" or "right in front of their lying face"
What food is bad for epileptic people? Seizure salad
I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go. If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.
Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas? Because everyone there hates integration.
Dutch Girl I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila!
How Hitler eat a vegetable? He jew it.
What did one fish say to the other during the race? I'M GOING TILAPIA!!!
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.
What do whales do on dates? Netflix and Krill
*pizza man crashes his car into a house and flies through the windscreen and smashes into TV* "yo you order pizza?" *they didn't*
People complain about there being too many GOP presidential candidates, but when Chris Christie quits that will be, like, half the field right there.
I don't know why we need a special day for it, I vote for boobs every day.
I don't know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I was going to start my diet today, but as it turns out pizza still exists, so...
An American and a Muslim are at a bar. Who got there first? The drone.
What did the pool cleaner say to the impatient swimmer? Whoa, whoa, whoa... Wade just a minute.
If there is anything in this world to be happy about... Just be glad that the tastebuds are at the front end.
What did the asian do after receiving a test with a bad grade? Bangladesh
Everyone keeps guessing who Rey's parents are, but who delivered her as a baby? OB-Gyn Kenobi
Difference What is the difference between an English Womans pussy and a bowling ball. If you TRY REALLY REALLY hard, you can eat a bowling ball.
Two sperm are racing each other to get to the egg first After awhile one sperm says, "Shouldn't we be there by now?" The other sperm says, "I don't think so, we just passed the esophagus."
Do you know what beats meat? a hand.
Cop: "Excuse me have you been drinking tonight?" Me: "I've been draanking.. I've been draanking.. watermeloon.." cop: "surfbort"
What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit? Hare in your milk!
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo? Starchy and Husk
You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don't be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome is genetic. It runs in your jeans.
What do you call it when someone has sex in exchange for spaghetti? Pastatution
This guy came up to me and said he needed a glass of water but his pants were on fire so, he probably was lying about  needing it.
Me: The bathroom Wife: What? Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.
I don't think drinking Vodka is the solution to all of my problems... But it's worth a shot.
What do Fort McMurray and a 1998 Pontiac Sunfire have in common? Both are full of white trash and smell like burning oil.
Why do Asians have such small tits? Because they can only get As.
I know that Bill Cosby is guilty because his comedy has been putting me to sleep for years
Donald Trump is going to be president in 4 days. That..that's it...
Dad, I'm thirsty. Hey Thursday, I'm Friday.
"I can't take this shit anymore." --a clogged toilet
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
My mood ring was stolen today. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I'm spending valentines day doing math homework. I'm stuck here with an eX, and I'm still trying to figure out whY.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The Republican Party has shown its support for the mentally ill by nominating Trump for President! Well, support for at least one of them. (here come the trolls and bots)
Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?
Why did Lot leave his wife? She became salty.
How to check whether you have a fast PC... Click anywhere on your desktop (not on icon). Quickly press on keyboard Ctrl+A then Enter. So you will know.
My love is like a candle, if you forget me, i will burn your fucking house down
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
You can titillate an ocelot if you... ...oscillate its tit a lot!
Why are yogurt eaters sophisticated? Because they're WELL-CULTURED.
I think I found the cure for gonorrhea It was at the bottom of my wifes handbag.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you're ruining the franchise.
If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
What do you call beef that's been burned? A mis-steak.
Soviet Russia In Soviet Russia you no criticize government, government criticize you
Where does Iron Man live? Iron know.
Why won't a witch wear a flat cap? Because  there's no point in it.
my spirit guide told me to scale the shelves at Cosco and build a nest with toilet paper
Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Where does a race on the Swedish border end at? The Finnish line.
It took police 4 days to catch the bombers..... Yet my bike is still missing
What is the difference between a panda, four lesbians and a firetruck?
I like my women like I like my coffee. BIG
Why can't smokey the bear and his wife have kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
My cousin: "i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!" Me: "some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me"
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down...... inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[body shape - help request] M, 18, struggling to get rid of a body fit for a 46 year old... Seriously guys, do I cut it up or just bury it whole?
If you start a sentence with "Let me reiterate..." I'm gonna ignore it the second time too.
Racist joke What's the difference between a cupcake and a Jewish person? A cupcake doesn't burn othe oven
Harness the power of my dog's wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.
German girlfriend My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they've sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I bought a lot of frozen pizza yesterday and now it's all in vain the beach weather is over.
Someone told this at a Disney campground. What's large, gray, and comes in quarts? An Elephant.
I think my wife is dead I mean, the sex is no different, but the dishes keep piling up
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter. So, just me..
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL. Anyways, the baby's ok.
Guy: Do you like Cds? Girl: Um, sure that's a weird question why? Guy: Cuz u about to see deez nuts!
Did you hear about the overachieving masturbator? He's constantly outdoing himself.
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? Quarter-pounder with cheese
You know what the worst part is about dating a Japanese girl? If I ever decide to break up with her I will have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message
Why cant black people get PhD's? Because they can't get past their Masters.
Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.
A fish walks into a bar ..and the bartender asks, "What can I get ya?" And in a very raspy voice the fish says, "WATER"
A quick Mel Gibson joke. If Mel Gibson directed a popular 90's show starring Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt: "Mad about Jew"
What's the difference between PHP and PCP? One makes you: * feel numb * see things that aren't there * panicked and paranoid * feel loss of control over your actions. The other is a synthetic drug.
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-two year olds? There are twenty of them.
What do you call it when Google Glass connects to the internet? Eye-fi.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other after the earthquake? That was your fault!!!
Being drunk is a very unpleasant experience... Just ask a glass of water.
A black kid comes home from school.... "Yo mom guess what I got the biggest dick in the third grade! Is it cus I'm black?" "No nigga its cus you nineteen!"
I wrote a song about cutting down trees. It's not a snappy tune, it just lumbers along.
My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like? Me: Open ones.
I turned my phone onto "Airplane Mode" and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My dog saw a sign on a wall that said "wet paint"... So he did.
I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye... So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She's always been thoughtful.
A roger you say? My hot Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I'd dropped my pants and got my cock out that I realised she meant someone to rent her spare room.
Handicap jokes are getting old And quite honestly, they're lame as fuck.
I opened my water and electric bills simultaneously... Needless to say, I was shocked.
I never know what to do with my hands during sex. I just end up snapping my fingers along with the rhythm.
Three men walk into a bar They all get concussion
Why was everyone saying such kind, loving words to the man? The man was a corpse being buried forever.
Have you heard about corduroy pillowcases? They're making head lines!
what do you call an American Tardis? a reTardis
What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
I'm doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Why do girls have legs? ...ever seen the trail a slug leaves?
Gas should cost /gallon. Since the price is irrational.
Im opening a ice cream parlor in Israel... Its called "The Creamatorium"
What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker? They both take away the coffin.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
What is Justin Timberlake's favourite Ukrainian river? The Crimea River.
How can we know atheism exists? Where's the evidence?
I wish there was a job that required me to pet a room full of basset hounds all day long.
[if my cat tweeted] When "over 38" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Why shouldn't you have a conversation under a tree in the fall? There may be leavesdropping
Friend: *singing along* But I'm a creep. I'm a widow. Me: Weirdo. Friend: Sorry, I'll stop. Me: No, he says...yeah okay, thanks.
*gets into canoe* Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar! *gets out of canoe*
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
Germans cant cook sausages. They're just the wurst. (ill shot myself out.)
A man walks into a bar... and says "ouch"
Mexican cartel drones were found near the border in a failed attempt to smuggle drugs I guess the drones got too high and crashed
What do you get... Q. What do you get if you cross a large dinosaur with a frog? A. A diplo-croak-us.
"The name's And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach."
Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.
People have always told me, "Shoot for the stars" So I became a celebrity hitman
6th grade nurse: do you play baseball Me: uhh why Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than- Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] "Go on without me"
What's the difference between a boy band and a band of just guys? The person sucking dick.
A man has a heart attack on a plane. The man who was sitting next to him stood up and shouted"Is anyone here a doctor" The woman in front of them then stood up and shouted "I'm a vegan!".
Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore Said no one ever!
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey
In Texas you're allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I'd host sooo many parties
I would imagine paying your bills at a library in Prague has to be easy. You know, with all of the Czech books and whatnot.
If there's not a man out there with "Gluten Free" tattooed above his junk then we've failed as a society
YO mama is so poor... She can't even pay attention
My wife said I'm just like Pluto I have a very cold heart
I guess it's not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.
I asked a crow what its favourite Apple product was.. "Caw!"
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Free
I was gonna say a joke about the disabled, but... it was lame.
A new energy drink called F5 just came out, It's super refreshing!
Hey dad, wanna hear a dirty joke? [SFW] Me: Hey dad, wanna hear a dirty joke? Dad: No, do YOU wanna hear a dirty joke? Me: Sure... Dad: Four white horses fell in a mud puddle.
What is the purpose of the bumps around a womens nipple? It's braille for blind babies... -=Women=- It spells out ...."Suck here" -=Men=- " I am the daddy "
They say a blowjob makes your day... ...but anal makes your whole week.
Why do the French not pronounce "h" at the beginning of words? *with a French accent* Because they hate it.
Knock Knock! Knock Knock Who's there? Eat mop. Eat mop who?? I will do no such thing
I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.
Not the best joke, but i did make it up myself. Q: Why can you not hook two CD-ROM drives together to create a CD Writer? A: Because two ROMs don't make a Write.
I RT you, you ignore me I fav you, you ignore me I ignore you, you ignore me This seems to be working out well for us
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My jokes are like cancer Only my dad gets it.
Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess snails make? Credit to Oney in [this](http://youtu.be/lZWJKhLe6wo?t=7m46s) for that one.
Did you hear about the gym where people pay to get punched in the face? Go after hours, there's no punch line!
Darth Vader The first black guy to admit he's a father
I wonder, if I say "Hi" to everyone on here, how many "Hi's" I get back?  So let me say Hi....
If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
You can't always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you'll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
How do you catch a whale? You wait until last call and use a good pick up line.
My son was upset his personalised number plate name was already taken I'd never seen little YCM-846 so sad before
What do you call Mexican potato chips? Oles Potato Chips!
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
What did Treebeard say when he took a piss? RELEASE THE RIVERRR!!!!!!!
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer but no one will do it.
I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fish.
What one food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%? Wedding cake.
I recently bought an alcoholic ginger beer He wasn't pleased
How do you call a lesbian's pussy? The no man's land. (From me, but that's an easy one, so someone must have come up with it before. But as a frenchman, I'm pretty proud of it.)
What did the tree do when the bank closed? It started its own branch
The only thing I know about Women: They don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.
Why does a middle eastern person not give a blowjob to an American? Because he hates Bush. ahahahah Get it George Bush ...... Ill see myself out.....
Why are Prank Videos AIDS? Because they are people gone sexual, happen in the hood and is sex gone wrong.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? It's dangerous to hit a lightbulb with a bat.
Did you hear about the new skat porno? it's full of shit
"Balls!" Said the queen. "If I had two I'd be the king!"
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers
Knew a Muslim kid in college who was notorious for being late to everything. We called him 9/12.
I wish my work would pay me to tweet all weekend like they do all week.
What is a Ninja's favorite beverage? Karatea From Fargo Ep. 2
A hoe is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
You should never go grocery shopping when you're hungry and never go clothes shopping when you're naked.
Why do the Dutch people love..... Why do the Dutch people love the Belgian-jokes so much?  They are cheap.
They say that a person's surname is named after whatever their ancestors did to make a living I feel sorry for the guy who's dad was the first person to be called "Dickinson"
I've never wanted a mansion. Not because I'm modest- I just don't need more places to lose my keys.
I see there's going to be a new PeeWee Herman movie on Netflix. It's a good thing it won't be in theaters.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
What's the fastest way to piss off a Starwars fanboy?
What is the worst way to spell Mississippi? Correctly.
How do you f*ck a Greece woman? Get a job at the ECB
How can you tell which end of a worm is which ? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs !
Why did the lollipop cross the road? ... Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.
I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems. The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
Do we even know how much anything else costs in Africa? Maybe $1 a day to feed a child is way too much.
I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does. Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.
Whenever Adobe Flash tells me to update I download and install an even older version, that's MY revolution
Based on my family's hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I'm never in a coma.
What is the opposite of Imagination? I have no idea.
Why didn't Hitler drive a stick shift? Because he hated Stalin
UPDATE: They just released the time when Cecil the lion was shot. Tooth hurty
A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.) If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit? Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.
Three states walk into a bar The first goes straight to the back and starts washing tons of dishes. The second orders a small Coke. The third one has no idea what to get. What states are they?
Why is 6 afraid of 7? 7 8 9
Procrastinators unite! tomorrow
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
Why did the melon break up with her melon boyfriend? He told her he *can't elope*.
[therapy] "Where does your fear of spiders come from?" *flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees* They're just creepy okay
My Day is Going to be a Small Celebration to a Nordic God It'll be a Loki Day
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite work of art? Pneumonia Lisa
I thought about starting a business selling halos... ...but the cost of overheads was too high.
My ex and I split up with no hostility... We had a non-diss closure agreement
UDP Jokes The good thing about UDP jokes, is that I don't care if you get them.
Cat: Lame. Just lame. Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know. Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home. Me: ...ok
You're Like The End Of The Bread... Everybody touches you, but nobody wants you.
Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.
I didn't say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Did you hear about the kayaker that hit a submerged couch during the Rio Olympics? It was a fabricated story.
What do you get when you cross Donald Trump with Hillary Clinton? A dickless bull that can't fuck its way into the white house. But who tell which is which?
The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.
Please, Lady, come home with me. You never know what I'll turn into, at midnight!
Thank God you've updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn't tolerate more suspense.
Just payed a cab driver $10 not to beat two dudes with a tire iron because they didn't have cab fare. #fact #trueshit #newyorkmoment
You wanna know what's lame? Disabled people.
Why are gas giants always so happy? Because they're all jovial.
A Werewolf: A Very astute wolf
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good. Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I introduced reddit to my girlfriend yesterday Me: So, do you like it? Her: yeah, it was entertaining. Just one question, though Me: Sure, go on Her: Yeah, who is OP. And why is his mom such a whore?!
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells
How do you describe getting cancer on your resume? As a real growth opprotunity
Highways need 4 lanes per side. A racecar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.
What do you get when you cross a peach with a bunny? Something punny.
I became a proud dad today, my boy is actually 4 but he was a little prick for the first 3 years.
A Chinese kid was born before the due date..So his parents named him "Sudden Lee!"
What do you call an American girl who can run faster than her brothers? A Virgin.
I wonder if Bruce Wayne ever wears a Batman t-shirt.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My liver's so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it's family very proud. Weren't expecting that, huh? Racist.
What's brownish and runs on oil? Jesus in a hurry.
I'm not saying she faked her orgasm, all I'm saying is my p enis wasn't even in.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.
This girl won't stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.
If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right
One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!
What did the rising sun say to the morning dew? You will be mist.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
FYI  Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.
I'm sure wherever my dad is he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.
USA to Russia:" What will you have for Thanksgiving dinner? "Turkey"
One-percenters and Jimmy Swaggart One-percenters' relationship with politicians is like Jimmy Swaggart's with prostitutes. They pay lots of money to see other people get fucked.
Back in the day... ...cars were made in Flint and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico...
How do you call an insanely rich proton that spent all of his money to become an electron? Ex centric
What does my girlfriend and Windows 8 have in common? they are both 8........
Well done, you are popular on Social Media. Sorry about the rest of your life.
What do you call a dinosaur that hates punchlines? MY LEGS! OH GOD, HE'S EATING MY LEGS! AAAAARGGHH!
Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 10% off
What's the difference between a police baton and a magic wand? Ones used for cunning stunts.
6 year old wouldn't drink out of my cup because she doesn't want my "DNA". Should I tell her?
Who makes coffee for the U.N.? The French Press Secretary!
Why are mosquitos religious ? They prey on you !
What do you call a baker with red hair? A ginger bread man
Did you know the first baseball game was held in the Garden of Eden? Eve stole first, Adam stole second, and Abel struck out.
Not all my tweets are true. For example if "sex" and "lack" are not in the same tweet then the polygraph will probably run out of ink.
Best line a wing girl can give: Ranch or blue cheese?
A Canadian walks into a bar and says, "Soo-ree." Haha
Technically, it's only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
6 more days, guys.. That's December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I'm going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!
What do you say to a woman that has two black eyes? Nothing! You already told that bitch twice. (Yeah...I know. It's horrible, but I just couldn't help myself.)
Her: I've had gray hairs since I was 16. Me: I got my grays after I got married. Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU! Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!
I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.
I've been constipated for four days I'm getting real tired of this shit.
What is your favorite dumb joke? here's mine :) Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? ....his ass.... :P
Why did Bill Cosby make his own Jell-O? Because his girlfriend was in a Roofie induced coma.
Chuck Norris uses pens on Scantron sheets.
What animal never forgets national tragedies? the nine-elephant
I call my ex wife... I call my ex wife an "ankle", because she is three feet lower than a cunt.
Eleanor Rigby would probably get super bummed out if she ever heard the song about her.
Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia
Titanic be like "I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge!"
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. *Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.*
Women have a better memory than men... Because they change it so often.
Having trouble finding paper towels. I need a Bounty hunter.
How do you milk a sheep? With iPhone periph**e**rals.
Confucius say... Difference between camping and being homeless is intent.
A threesome with an older couple Girl: Babe come over  Guy: Can't having a threesome with an older couple  Girl: My parents are not home  Guy: I know
So my dad posted a picture on Facebook with captioned "Condom challenge fail" It was a photo of me.
Why didn't the Romans try to kill Jesus after he rose from the dead? They were too afraid to double cross him.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled 'Aqua-Toast'.
What did the surfer say to David Carradine? Hang tight
What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants? Your mother.
Why did Sarah Palin endorse Donald Trump? Because it takes a cunt to recognize another.
What do organic mathematicians throw into their fireplaces? Natural logs.
I have pet snakes, turtles, and lizards. They are a family but I think they hate each other. I think I have A reptile disfunction.
I've been shopping for my wife's birthday present. What did you get her? A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20. 20! Why didn't you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decaffeinated.
I have a friend from Armenia who disagrees with everything I say just for the heck of it. He's such a Contrarian.
I got a thesaurus the other day, but all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am!
Did you hear about the new Jewish Sports Car? It stops on a dime then picks it up.
"I'm Dan if I do, and Dan if I don't." -Dan
Making my voice mail message say "Just hang up and text me."
Oh so everyone praises the movie 'Her' but when I loved my Sims everyone was like "we're worried" & "you've been playing 72 hours straight"
Having sex is just like riding a bike. A strategically placed baseball card makes it sound like a motorcycle.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
A suicide bomber, a member of an ethnic minority, my girlfriend, a priest, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, /r/Jokes?"
NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies." They are putting the pilot together right now.
Why is it the worst for Stevie Wonder when stopped by the police? He doesn't know why they're beating him to death
Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? It was a lawn-distanced relationship
The best time to reevaluate your life is when the online video you're watching is buffering
A police officer confronts a man who he thinks is high on marijuana. "How high are you?" He asks. "No,you said it wrong, it's 'Hi! How are you?'"
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Southampton? Don't worry, he woke up
Why are astronomers so popular with the ladies? Chicks dig stars.
I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call
How many pictures of the sky until we are satisfied as a people
The necrophilia is strong with this one This is my best friend. She enjoys pina coladas, long walks on the beach, and the feeling of cold dead skin upon her body. http://imgur.com/Rie20hf
People who have quit Reddit, how is life like now?
What do you call a pig that does karate?? Roast beef.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
What's the difference between god and an engineer God doesn't walk around thinking he's a fuckin engineer. (Told to me by a millwright)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? u/ShittyJokeExplainBot's explanations.
Ricky sent SMS to his BOSS: "Me sick, no work" Boss SMS back: "When I am sick I kiss my wife try it" 2 hours later Ricky sms 2 boss: "Me ok, ur wife very sweet"
When are you allowed to play with scissors? Never, under no circumcises!
How much is twelve units of mass? Dozen matter.
My friend just said this: Never be a half assed dog owner... It'll bite you in the ass every time
Why do people get suspicious when a baby doesn't like you? It's not psychic. It's a stupid baby with shitty taste in people.
What's the opposite of the Sun? The Guardian.
I've got butterflies in my stomach... That's the last time I eat a cocoon.
Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they're just having fun.
gf: i'm breaking up with you. me: is it my drinking habits? gf: well it... me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
How to sleep: 1. Lay down 2. Dim lights 3. Dwell about literally every mistake you've made in your life for 6 hours 4. Rest for 9 minutes
I got a great deal on a boat the other day..... Sail
What's the hardest part of cooking vegetables? The wheelchair
Why does O.J. Simpson claim that he's not a murderer? He's an ex-murderer.
I often fill my water guns with urine and fire them at tightrope walkers. Pisses them right off
The other day a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. he is a small arms dealer.
The Trump Tower incident proves that.. ..the only way to climb up a corporate ladder is by sucking up
A cop stops a drunk man and asks: How high are you? The man replies: This is wrong english, you should say 'Hi, How are You?'
review of outside: too many other people, bugs will attack you randomly, pizza only available in certain areas 0/5 would not recommend
Why did the adobe acrobat document go to jail? ...because it was a pdf file.
All the gingers I know have pretty good morals... I guess you can't really sell your soul to the devil when you don't have one to begin with.
I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."
What is the first thing a cannibal does after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his ass.
A smooth close shave with a brand new razor blade is the best feeling in the world! ... was not the best thing to say to my wife shortly after sex.
What's the difference between Mayweather and a Lotto winner The Lotto winner has to make an effort for his money
What did the seven dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up? Well, it looks like its back to jerking off.
What do biographers and serial killers have in common? Multiple life sentences.
What do you call a group of trees? A communitree
Magic Mirror Mirror Mirror in my hand, show me the ugliest person in the land.
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
Does pornography degrade women? Or does it merely raise the standard by which they are judged?
I used to be really interested in drilling holes Now I just find it boring.
A farmer was counting his cows and found out that he had 196, but when he rounded them up, he had 200.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Which position is for a baseball player wearing a buttplug? Shartstop
What does British toilet paper and John Wayne have in common? It's rough, and tough, and doesn't take any crap.
Raksha Bandhan Whatsapp Status #rakshabandhansms #rakshabandhanquotes #funnyjokes Thnks bro for ur warmth affectn &amp; ur undrstndng, May our bond of luv remains forevr.....
what's a pirate's favorite letter? You would think its 'RRRRRRRRRRR', but its actually P because without it they would go irate!
I said I was mad at myself. My 4yo son looked at me. "There are fancier words for mad," he said, fixing my hair. "You should say irritated."
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
The stock market plunge of 2008 was worse than a divorce... I lost half of everything, but I still have my wife!
*sees neighbors bringing in KFC *knocks on door Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there's- Some KFC?
French Bread There's this crazy guy on our street that tries to catch people and shove French bread up their butt... He's a real pain in the ass
The son tells his dad he just lost his virginity Dad: That's my boy, come sit here and tell me how it was! Son: I can't sit down, dad...
I found out why the Ringling Brothers Circus closed down. All the clowns moved to Washington D.C.
Dictators make great rulers... if you make a bunch of one centimeter marks on them while they're asleep.
A psychic midget broke out of prison... He was a small medium at large.
What do you call a poodle that serves coffee? A Bark-ista! I said a bark-ista Coral.
I learned about the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon last week and now it seems like everyone's talking about it.
What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street? Sesame Street has an Oscar.
My nose won't stop running. But, to be fair, it's the only part of my body that's still in shape.
Why wouldn't the four month old African stop crying? He was going through a midlife crisis
Fun prank: Tell an English major how "impactful" something is.
Small mirror that attaches to head of a phone so you can peripherally experience real life while you're live tweeting it.
My wife asked for the broom... And I said, "Why? Are you going somewhere?"
My friend from Prague is a writer. He likes to use Spellczech.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."
A: What are you doing? B: Nothing A: Didn't you do that yesterday? B: I havent finished...
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
How does Jesus make coffee. Hebrews
Why was the African man wearing a wristwatch? He needed to hold up his pants.
Why does an elephant have four feet? Because it'd look bloody stupid with six inches.
Mom asked, "Are you going to see the new Michael Moore documentary?" Wife replied, "Magic Mike XXL?"
What did God say when he created the first black person? "Dammit I burnt one!"
My girlfriend is ridiculously good at deepthroating... It's actually not that great because she only gets to do it when she cheats on me with black guys.
What's faster than the speed of light? A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
What is the Difference? Joke: What is the difference between a snowlady and a snowman? Snowballs. Good joke Eh?
What do you call it when a bison borrows money from you? A buffa*loan.*
Why wouldn't the teacher fart in public? Because she was a private tutor
You know, we're not all that different from the Middle East You smoke weed here, you become stoned. You smoke weed there, you get stoned.
Just back from that seafood disco. Pulled a mussel!
I like my women like I like my Building 7. Going down for no reason. That's a conspiracy reference that 9 out of 11 people don't get. It's an inside joke.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it's me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Did you hear the joke about the Dutch speaking farmer? Nevermind. It doesn't transplant well.
Stubbed my toe this morning. It's because I received a chain letter in 1992 and only sent it to four of my friends.
What do you call a potato with no limbs? An amputater
Cup of Tea According to Tetley, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap her arse and say "two sugars fatty".
Where can Grammar Nazis find asylum? Grammargentina
"Barista" is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Just ate a bag of jelly beans. Did you know if you eat a pineapple, a coconut, and a black one together, it tastes like pina colada asphalt?
Instead of yelling, I just say "Caps Lock" and then speak at a normal volume...
How many feminists does it take to screw in lightbulb? It doesn't matter how many you get, because all they'll do is sit around complaining about how misogynistic the use of the word "screw" is.
If my balls come out on the lottery tonight... my career as a TV presenter will be in ruins.
Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.
How do you know if you are at a gay picnic? The hot dogs taste like shit.
A man was at the end of a bar... and then he went to the next one.
[blind date] "Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos." *huge sigh* LEGO. It's called Lego.
What was Cambodia's biggest export in the 90s? Pol Potting mix.
Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas Can't believe the currant exchange rate!
Just thought about it... (nsfw) My ex-boyfriend was 6'1". My current boyfriend is 6'3" ....height isn't the only 2 inch difference between them.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
What's the difference between a Taliban training camp and a Pakistani wedding? I don't know. I just fly the drone.
Do you know what 8/10 redditors say they hate the most? The answer might surprise you... ..clickbait.
Why did the boy become an astronaut? Because he was told he was no earthly good.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F'ing B.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[labels account "18+"] [tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Hi, I'm black and I really can't stand it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. They say old habits die hard, but some habits never die.. Like the white men leaving us hanging
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they're in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
What's a cats favorite Mexican dish? A purr-rito
What happens in vegans stays in vegans, unless they eat fiber.
What has seven arms and sucks? Def Leppard
My girlfriend told me that if I were a tree, she'd want me to be a Christmas tree so she could spruce me up I told her she'd probably be a huge birch
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile me: wha mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed] Bruce: Viagra! Dr: Bruce this isn't the time- Bruce: Give me...a Viagra! Dr: Ok *Bruce Dies...Hard*
Guy:Hey what are you doing? Girl:unzipping it Guy:why? Girl:I want to see how big it is. .. *Unzips tent and gets inside* Girl:nice, nice..
What is a female genitals favorite slide to slide down at the playground? The fallopian tube!
Coworker: What was your college major? Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What does donald trump use when he plays FPS games? Wallhacks
If you laid end-to-end all the plastic bottles an average family throws away in a year, you will have wasted a fuckton of time.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when invited to the musician themed costume party? I'll be Bach
My friend has mexican car insurance. It's called get out and run.
One of the simplest ways to stay happy is to let go of the things that make you sad.
Kanye &amp; Kim were discussing their decision to name their child North West They agreed that next time they would fly with Virgin
Which of the seven dwarfs use the Internet? Happ-e Sleep-e Grump-e Dope-e and Sneez-e.
Standing closer to me in line right up my ass will not make it go faster. Back the fuck up you faggott
What if Mike Tyson could use the Force? He'd become a kith lord
16 Sodium atoms walked into a bar followed by Batman
What sound does a racist machine gun make? kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Who said the first million was the hardest? Was it hitler?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one but the bulb has to really want to change.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, "YOU'RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!" Best.Insult.Ever.
They asked if I wear boxers or briefs.... Depends
In high school they called me donkey dick. I got that name because... it was short for Donald Keith Richards.
I deleted my facebook account. Could one of you tell them it's raining and cold here?
That awkward moment when a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer... Killer: "Turn down that dark road down there." Rapist: "I was planning on it..."
How do you keep a hard on? Don't fuck with it.
Someone in America gets raped once every 56 seconds... ...and I feel just awful for her.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I'm on your porch. Can I come in?
My work email inbox has grown so wild and unruly that everytime I open it, it plays its own 70s porn theme.
During activities I'm like batteries I'm never included
GF told me she wanted to write her "biography" & I said "autobiography" & now there's a chapter where I sleep at my place.
What's the best part of an ISIS joke? The Execution. Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now.
I woke my SO up with a bj. She didn't seem to appreciate it.
My gal pal: "Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin... What's you're secret?!" Me: "Poverty."
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
If you're in Los Angeles and lost your wallet near the Starbucks on Melrose I found your wallet but not the $58 inside it.
"Oh my god, I've...I've never seen anything like this before. This is incredible" - me looking at a boob
Did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants? That is something i never herbivore!
Calling 911 Hello 911 I'd like to report murder, this bitch killed my vibe
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office... ..I will find you. You have my Word. --- Edit: 1000 upvotes. Of course it would be on a self post. :( Thanks though. &lt;3
I went to Prague recently... I had a really good time. You should Czech it out.
Why do black men wear baggy trousers? Because their knee grows.
I would like to apologize to those offended by the false pregnancy gags. I too participated in this prank. I would like to apologize to all the men out there unable to carry a baby.
What do Dave Mirra and The Offspring have in common? No Self Esteem!
A Freudian slip? That's where you think one thing but fuck your mother.
I had to take my horse to get surgery last week. The doctor told me he's in stable condition.
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company I thought it was a good bees nest
Pacquiao knocks out Mayweather in the first round!!!!! 2:05 into the first Mayweather goes down!!!
What do you call a nomadic neanderthal? A meanderthal.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb ? Just Juan.
What's David Cameron's favourite Shakespeare play? Hamlet.
Whats long and black? the unemployment line.
*saves baby from burning building* "How can I ever repay you?!" Favstar in the bio "Oh I don't have Twi-" *returns baby to burning building*
best thread convo u came across Let em rip guys an gals
Why do people never eat clocks?.... Why do people never eat clocks? Because it's really time consuming.
Why don't nervous vegans visit Germany? They fear the wurst!
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES Me: Of course you don't, you're a date Blind Date: WHAT Me: Kind of like a big raisin
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner... ...The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
What does a Jamaican Liar sit on? Deceit.
I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine... But I need a line to finish it.
What lands as often on its tail as it does its head? A penny.
My buddy joined Christian Mingle... it's going pretty well, He got nailed three times in one night.
I'm trying to switch from "okay" to "OK" but I can't figure out what to do with all this extra time on my hands
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
What does a gay cow eat? Haaaay!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away] [scientist decodes message in the signal] "enough...with...the...Harambe...jokes"
DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.
*corrects your grammar incorrectly, winks at your date*
Im pretty sure my dick is a masochist It loves being beaten every day
What did the man who survived a javelin headwound say to his opponent? Thanks for opening my mind.
People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still update their MySpace profiles.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin! DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I'll take this one
Eating a box of Thin Mints doesn't make you thin. Apparently.
What would you get if Harry Potter tried to kill Darth Vader? *A Vader Cadaver*
A fish swimming upriver and bumps his head. "Dam" he says.
What's worse than a lobster on your piano? What's worse than a lobster in your piano? A CRAB on your organ.
I have a good joke. Say "Knock knock."
I hate gay people They are a pain in my ass.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
What do you call a fishing hook without barbs? Debatable!
My coworker loses her keycard so much she just legally changed her name to Guest Badge.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
What did the frog's girlfriend need when she was on her period? A lily pad.
What's the best thing about dating a homeless chick? You can drop her off anywhere...
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Asian businessmen don't pay thousands of dollars to have a lentil on their face
I don't let my cat outside. I'm worried he might talk to other cats & find out that their owners don't force them to wear little party hats.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brent ! Brent who ? Brent out of shape !
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"
Hey baby, is that a gun in my pocket? Get in the van.
The iWatch is awesome because it's the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.
Be careful when you buy stuff from Ebay . My friend ordered a penis enlarger from ebay. Those bitches sent him a magnifying glass :P
A women asked her husband, "What do bees eat?" The husband replied "Honey, how should I know?"
Why do pirates love Playboy Magazine? You'd think it's for the booty, but they really read it for the arrrticles.
What kind of Lettuce do serve on the Titanic? Iceberg Lettuce! :D
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I'm supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Follow your instincts, into the path of a moving train.
'gamer' & 'foodie' are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
How to bargain with your wife Me: Can I get a motorcycle? Wife: No. Me: Can. I get a boat? Wife: NO! Me: Can I get a blowjob? Wife: (sighs) Is it a BIG boat?
Where do shoes receive their military training? Boot Camp
The old lady at the bank An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
The cast of 16 & pregnant are the future cast of 32 & grandparents
What do you call a bunch of male pornstars on a flight together? Snakes on a plane.
For father's day my grandpa got a SUV Socks, Underwear, and Viagra
What do you call an ethiopian with buck teeth? A rake.
Hey girl, are you a candy? Because i have a crush on you
Probably the worst time to ask "shouldn't we go on a date first?" is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.
A Grizzly walked into a bar... It was horrible! Many people in the bar died painful deaths, survivors of the attack said the pain was "un-bear-able".
So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply because the wrong person will often say all the right things.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife? Because you're a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh
What sound does a train make when it's eating? Chew Chew
you read this wrong
Adele was outside my window this morning. She said hello from the outside.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound? No, because trees can't talk.
Why are the dinosaurs extinct? Q: Why are the dinosaurs extinct? A: because they're dead.
You can say what you like about Paedophiles... ..at least they drive slowly in a school area.
Guys I got the new name for Pokemon Go. We will call it Natural Selection.
Just found out exercising... ...and exorcising are two very different things. Officially canceling my membership to the most terrifying gym ever. (via @wiseguypictures)
Knock knock... [pic]
What do you call a sarcastic crimminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
What did the cliff say to the landslide? Chalk to you later.
Sometimes in the 'special talents' section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said "Hell I'm no actor and I've got thirty movies to prove it!"
Living in Switzerland sucks but the flag is a big plus.
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race.
All I'm saying is God wouldn't have given me this wild hair if he didn't want me to store stuff in it. *baby hedgehog peaks out*
What's the internal temperature of a Taun-Taun? Lukewarm
Why did Snoo not check out a library book? Because he had already Reddit.
COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won't eat ur way out of these CROOK: Sure
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
How do you make endocrine? Endocrine is not a hormone.
Classic knock knock joke nsfw Knock knock Who's there? Argo Argo who Argo fuck yourself!
So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.
What does the average male have in common with a Velociraptor? They both have a six inch retractable claw.
Don't laugh at the guy who drives the septic tank truck It may be shit to you, but it's bread and butter to him.
It may be autocorrect, but I'm excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Remember when we were young enough to order mozzarella sticks and not think, "maybe deep fried cheese isn't the best life decision?"
What do you call two debunked ghost sightings? A pair'a'normal activities.
Two cashews walk into a bar... The Bartender says "How about a glass of our most expensive wine?" The Cashews reply, "Do you think we're Nuts?!"
A young boy once reached out to the grab some fog but he mist.
So there's a flash flood warning in my area. I didn't know floods could be exhibitionist. *^I'm ^so ^sorry*
Quasimodo is running down the street with a bunch of kids chasing him. "Fuck off, i haven't got your ball!"
Did you hear about the couple who stole a calendar? They both got six months.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say "just not in my hair"
Women are like snowflakes... They can't drive.
In the US the best men of all are called "bros." In the UK, it's "lads." Either way, they're both thoughtful, selfless & fun to be around.
How are music and candy similar? We throw away the rappers.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they've all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie's life? Because he was too far out maaaan. (Hippy voice)
Pssst, what's the answer to question number 5? umm, dude this is a voting booth.
What did the penis say to the condom??? Cover me, I'm going in
I'd rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I inherited one of the paintings done by Adolf Hitler today. I don't want to hang it in my house though. I'm afraid it's bad Jew Jew.
Why doesn't anyone in [insert nations capital] use the toilet in the morning? So they have something to do at night.
How to keep an idiot busy for hours [read below] How to keep an idiot busy for hours [read title]
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? (x-post from /r/adviceanimals) Because if they had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
i just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Netflix and chill is cool... But let's be honest guys, we know for most of you it's Netflix and Jill Edit: if you don't know who Jill is, take a look at your hand.
What's the problem with North Korea? It has no Seoul!!
Whatever happens tomorrow... ...Thanks Obama.
Told to me by my 8 year old daughter: Knock knock. Who's there? Awkward silence. Awkward silence who? ... I see what you did there...
What does a writer hope to get in a Christmas cracker? A Pull-it-surprise!
The US Census Bureau is known for kicking ass And taking names.
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a mattress store and sleep on the floor
[OC] Why can't an orchestra made of OB/GYN doctors ever get good enough to perform a concert? Because the C-section is always messy.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead - I'll just hang around.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they're already in tiny little bags!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I'm about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
opinions are like birthdays.. everybody has one &amp; I only know yours because of Facebook.
My stepmom fell into a wishing well I was amazed- I never thought they worked
If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night  there.
Laziness father to his adopted son: "what is the limit of laziness?" son: "having an adopted son"
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the barman "hey how much for a drink?" The barman replies "For you, no charge" Bazinga!
Did you hear about the emo pizza? He topped himself.
Swallowing glass is a real pane in the neck.
I'm sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid's first birthday.
How do German women know when they're pregnant? They're never late...
I like my wine how I like my women 15 years old and locked in a basement
What brand of makeup does cap'n crunch wear C'ereal
There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.
Steps to success 1:speak with God 2:??? 3:prophet
I farted today on the bus... I farted today on the bus and 4 people turned around. Felt like I was on The Voice.
I heard Matt Damon took it real hard when he heard Robin Williams died. I just hope he remembers. It's not your fault. It's not your fault...
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace's bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
What did Steven hawking say when he first got his wheelchair? I can't stand being in this
I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
What do you call someone with a large head? The headmaster.
What's the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
What's the difference between a black person and a Jewish person? How they steal your money
What's the difference between a bug and an insect? Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.
I went to one those secret New York City rooftop concerts last night. Seeing FIDLAR on the roof was great!
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: "their", meaning "belongs to them." Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
What is a Chinese person's favorite wound? Bruise Lee. I'll see myself out.
TIL the creator of the Hokey Pokey died last week. Planning his funeral went fine until it was time to put him in the casket. They put his left foot in and that's when the trouble started.
Q: What's a tongue twister? A: When your tang gets all tongueled up.
An axe walks into a forest... An axe walks into a forest and the trees say, "At least the handle is one of us."
I heard there's this amazing place underground... ...where you can have sex with miners.
2 condoms are walking down the street and pass a gay bar... One turns to the other and says "Hey, you wanna go get shit faced?"
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I've got a job for Victoria... Well, *had* a job...
A tip for Snowden. Apparently he is traveling all of the world but if you never want to appear in front of an American judge there is only one place to go... Guantanomo bay
What did the angered Mother say to her son, the garbage man. Your throwing your life away.
What do you call a fire pokemon mixed with Donald Trump ? A Charitard.
They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say, "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd
In Soviet Rusia: In soviet rusia, we post webs on the cat!
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It died.
Hate the political process, not the politicians. Nah, who the f*#k am I kidding? Hate those politicians!
How do you stop a mexican tank? You shoot the guy pushing it.
NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22...... It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.
Why should you never have oral sex? It really sucks.
Did you know the first sniper was a Mexican? Juan shot, Juan kill.
Rob a bank with a Nokia How would you rob a bank with a nokia? Walk in hold up a nokia, Robber: Get the fuck down i gotta nokia Lady: Holy shit hes got a nokia AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Something like that
What do you get when you mix a penis with a potato? A dick-tater
Your mama so fat that NASA thought they found a new planet Dad stop it.
What do fat people feel? Hunger mostly...
Why is 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 is a six offender.
Why did the minus sign run for office? To make a difference.
What do you call a reindeer trapped in a storm? A Thundeer
What's the best part about fucking twentythree year olds? There's twenty of them.
Unexplainable things: 1) Stonehenge 2) ESP 3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes? Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me? Adam Levine: Practice.
Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he's the world's most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I "ruined your son's birthday party"?
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to  change a lightbulb? A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror] "My dead what?" [ghost writes *YOU'RE] AAHHHHHHHHHH!
If I ever have a need for a drag queen name, I just decided it's going to be Queef Latina.
I'm going to stand outside So if anyone asks, I'm out standing
I have new strategy for getting my wife to have sex with me... When we are in bed I just talk and talk until she has sex with me just to shut me up. I call it filibusting a nut.
Hey baby, are you an oven? Because you've had a lot of Jews inside of you.
At first, I was merely a stock trading enthusiast... ...but now I'm fully invested.
What is Ling Ling's (from King Pow) favorite video game console? Wii U Wii U Wiiiiiii U
Cherry tree How do you hide a elephant in a cherry tree? Paint it's balls red. Howed Tarzan die? Picking cherries.
What does Batman put in his beverages? Just ice.
What's angry most of the time and wants you to stick something hard in it? An outlet
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go ride a bike?
Username walks into a hotel... And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves. I guess you could say, Username checks out.
How does the Navy separate the men from the boys? ...with a crowbar.
What do you call your friend thats a detective? Your Sherlock Homie
What does a girl from Arkansas say when she loses her virginity? "Get off me paw, you're crushing my smokes."
What do you get when you inject human DNA to a goat? A permanent ban from the petting zoo
Me: So what do you do? Date: I work with animals Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
How do you tell if you have a high sperm count. She chews before she swallows.
If Ursa Minor is made up of stars... is it safe to call it a Solar Bear?
I saw a front page post today about a woman who hasn't experienced a period in 15 years. That's one long sentence.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Did you see how nervous C-3PO was in the new movie? I mean he did seem a little red
What do you call a naked snake A snake because it wears no clothes :D
Porn I watch so much porn, my screen saver is windex.
I wondered why the truck was getting larger... ... Then it hit me
Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say? Start whispering something to your spouse.
What do you get when you cross a Cuban and a Pollock? Ricky Retardo
A man enters his house and is absolutely delighted when he discovers that someone has stolen all the lamps
"Why aren't you wearing a coat?""Coats are for pussies."My mother asks too many questions.
Carbon was under a lot of pressure from his parents to marry Silicon so Carbon gave her a diamond.
Whats the most handiest tool ever? A Hand!
7 days without puns makes one weak.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can't handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change
baby moses: [crying] mum: "why wont he stop" dad: "throw him in the river lol" mum: "okay" this is from a book called the bible
Why was the bald king so sad? Because he had no heir.
How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it." &lt;Tips fedora&gt;
How did the mermaid prostitute make all her money? Blue whales
"A Vegan...like Mr. Spock?" "No mom...that's a Vulcan."
[I am wearing a wedding gown at work] BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office? ME: [lifting veil] I do
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
She said "Give me 10 inches and make it hurt." (NSFWish) So I fucked her twice and slapped her.
How do you piss off an emo? Give them a dull razor.
The Bermuda Triangle A.K.A.... Clinton's Inbox
How do you know if a blonde has been in the refrigerator? There's lipstick on the cucumbers.
Why do they put fences around cemeteries? People are dying to get in.
Chuck Norris is in a class of his own. That doesn't implement Comparable. #hacking
Mickey Mantle knew 2 things. Drinking, and how to play drunk baseball.
You're like pizza at a Chinese buffet. I ain't feeling you but I see you over there, doing you, and I respect that.
A dad walks into a room seeing his daughter masterbating with a cucumber. He said: "I was gonna eat that, now it taste like cucumber"
Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure... it's called a credit card.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I've narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
What do Nihilist's believe in...
I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it'd just get mustard stains on it.
Would you like to buy a second-hand computer? I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.
What is black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
What kind of porn to chickens watch? Nugget porn.
Only ten more American gun massacres until christmas
A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the  bee turned around and flew away. Why? The rabbit had two b's already.
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaaa
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
A man walks into a bar. He is okay he just has a minor concussion.
I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf. He said it was a real pain in the neck.
Knock Knock Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Which sex position produces the most ugly babies? Ask yo momma. Sorry
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -FDR "Exactly." -everyone with anxiety
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.
Me: "Knock knock" , Jesus: "I'm not in!" ... Me: "Oh, come on." Jesus: "I refuse to open the door."
Knock knock "who's there?" "Europe" "Europe who?" "No, you're a poo"
How do you shut up a deaf person? Punch them in the hands.
Hey babe , there is a party in my pants! And URINE.................Vited!
The amount of tinder matches I've gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from "Murdering" to "Not Murdering"
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentacles.
People say I'm a mean person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a sweet girl In a jar on my desk.
My idea of responsibility is plugging my phone in at mid-day
Sexist Joke: What does Big Foot, the tooth fairy, and a book full of female inventors have in common? None of them are real.
Why did the DJ get fired as a waiter? Because he'd drop everything
What was the allergic 2"X4"'s terrifying hallucination? He sawdust.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh getting kicked out of the Grammy's? I guess that's what happens when you toot on Common.
id be so offended if a group of ppl just rolled through my room on safari rn as im lounging in bed and just pointed at me and took pictures
The TSA agent who runs the x-ray machine just told me "Nice penis." Thank you, Al Qaeda!
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women's rights expect to move forward if they're not even allowed to move diagonally?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall* Forgive me father, for I have sinned. "Huh? What?" It's been 3 days since my last- [sound of diarrhea]
What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino? 'elephino..
The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips... So I got kicked out of KFC.
My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles Straight until you get them wet.
THE MERMAID WHY DID THE MERMAID WEAR SEASHELLS? BECAUSE SHE GREW OUT OF HER B-SHELLS !!! BADA BUM !!!
Damn girl, are you a cigarette? Cuz I don't want you unless I'm drunk and one of my friends is already having you.
Bee jokes, courtesy of my niece (age 8). What did the bee use to dry off after swimming? A *bee*ch towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles? A honeycomb.
What was the sale in Jewish circumsicions? Buy one get one half off
Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . . . . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?" The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail."
Donald Trump ... ill see myself out
My city has been putting in tons of toll booths. Yesterday I had to pay ten cents before they'd let me pass through an intersection! At least I was able to turn on a dime.
A Sober Irishman... .
Seenus trouble Dad: Son, I have seenus trouble. Me: Seenus? Dont you mean sinus trouble, pops? Dad: No, son. Seenus, I was out with my girlfriend and your mom seenus.
What part of the vegetable is hardest to eat? The wheelchair.
Why did the dog scratch itself against the tree? Ruff Bark
two deer walk out of a gay bar one turns to the other and says "man, I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there."
Never trust a big butt and a smile. Where is the rest of this woman's body?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I'm just going to send a pizza down to check it out.
Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind it's too long.
After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date...the American tourist.
[DEATH ROW] WARDEN: Last meal? CON: Just a glass of lemonade please *Drinks lemonade/Burps* WARDEN: Pardon [CON WALKS FREE] W: SHIT
I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a "hauntingly beautiful blonde lady"
Im never going to public bathrooms again Because last time i was there, shit went down
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Why don't lobsters ever share anything? Because they're shellfish
How can you tell you're at a gay cookout? The hotdogs smell like shit.
[Mom]: My son's voice is changing [Dr.]: Thats normal at his age [Mom]: This is normal? *fax machine noises are coming from the kid's mouth*
How did the hacker kill himself? Overddos.
Who is a golfers favorite singer? ...birdy :P
Hey, ancient Egyptians! I'm eating popcorn that I cooked inside a bag in under a minute. Fuck your pyramids.
I hear Christian girls give really good moral.
why do chickens cluck? ........ cause you can't say fuck with out a bottom lip.
90% of the economy is just women giving each other useless gifts.
Ironically, the Boogeyman was a terrible dancer.
A snowstorm knocked out the power of a black man's house, so he went out to investigate. He's the only blackout in a whiteout.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
What is worse than the earthquake in Italy? The Holocaust.
I'm white, but not "clap my hands above my head at a hip hop concert" white.
A giraffe walks into a bar... The giraffe trips and falls over, the bartender says, "what's that lyin over there." And someone replies, "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."
We're just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don't have to show our face
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
I got hit by a can of coke... Good thing it was a soft drink.
I asked an Indian man how to make his amazing Naan bread. He was like "Naan of your buisiness bitch!"
Household chores How do you turn a dishwasher into a lawnmower? Send the bitch outside.
What's the hardest part of running over a baby? My dick.
Name a country that doesn't have a letter "A". JEPEN LOL
When I get caught smoking in a restaurant, I pretend I'm blind and tell them the cigarette is my seeing eye dog.
Im in a band called "Missing Cat" You've probably seen our posters...
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amber ! Amber who ? Amber-sting to come in !
What did Ghandi say when he was in the toilet? "I'm having a movement"
My 5 year old brother said "when I'm older I won't have a GF, I'll live on my own like my big brother" YEAH CAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY A CHOICE
With this whole Anonymous attack, ISIS is finally getting what they wanted... ...fucked by 72 virgins.
Did you grow up on a farm? Because you sure know how to raise cock
Why did the farmer vivisect his daughter? He wanted to reverse cowgirl.
Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland Pros: No more Adobe updates!
How do the Chinese pick a name for their child? They throw a spoon down the stairs
What does a ghost cow say? *wave arms around* MoooooOOOOOOoooooooo
"If you're building a time machine, Take your time. what's the rush?"
This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator". "Whoever wins... We lose."
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance......... The 5 stages of wearing a condom.
Time for a joke. "Dad, how do you feel about abortions?" "Well, why don't you ask your sister?" "But I don't have a..."
Knock Knock..Whos there? Allah...Allah Who?..Snackbar!
Just got back from the Dollar Store. I bought two cars and a trip to Paris for three bucks.
As a ginger person, I find tanning to be easy I just go sit underneath the full moon.
[loud crashes] Me: What was that? 4-year-old: Nothing. Me: 4: Me: OK. Parenting is easier than it looks.
What do you get when you put a tiny umbrella in a supercar? A Lambortini.
How do soldiers tell if a woman is a genuine Red-Head? If it's red on top, fire in the hole.
I was pretty surprised when my son came home from university and announced that he's gay. He used to hate anal sex when he was little.
What starts with E, ends with E, and only has one letter in it? An envelope!
A lot of beautiful women have told me that I am a looker... and that I should stop.
[NBA Postgame] *LeBron wearing his fake glasses* "Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet" "Yeah hi. I'll wait til LeBron comes out"
A black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim, and a communist walk into a bar... The bartender asks, "What can I get you Mr. President?" ;-P
What do you call a women who cant draw? Trace
Why couldn't Arnold Schwarzenegger run for president? Because he doesn't do cardio.
A known sex maniac, on the publication of his memoir, was asked how he felt about his past exploits. "I remember them fondly."
I finally finished baby proofing the house. Let's see those babies get in here now.
Why do men get erections while they sleep? So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.
What is a depressed person's favorite outdoor activity? Cryaking. I'm sorry.
On went on a cruise last week and fell into... the Aft hole. I was stuck in that aft hole for two weeks. Source: Impractical Jokers
I just met a woman who told me she had "trouble keeping weight on" in times of stress. I ate her.
Moby jumped over a mountain.... of air. . . . . . . What did you expect?
Stop Flaming Faggots! A Non profit dedicated to informing the public about the fire dangers of bundled sticks and stacked firewood.
What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef strokinoff!
If you were a Canadian and I were a Canadian and we bumped into each other, who would apologize first? I'm not a Canadian so get out of my fucking way! I'm Walking Here!
Rick Astley will let you borrow of all of his Pixar movies except for one. He's never gonna give you Up
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Have you seen John anywhere? No, but I've Cena guy just like him.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Know what OBGYN stands for? OBGYN: Oh Boy! Got You Naked!
Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.
Doctor doctor I keep trying to get into fights. And how long have you had this complaint? Who wants to know?
No Cash, No Hope and No Jobs! 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home  and nailed her against the wall.
So I bought some shoes from a guy on the street... Anyways he turned out to be a drug dealer, and I'm not sure what they were laced with but I just keep trippin'.
Why did Gandalf have to go to the hospital to get a splinter removed? He had a staff infection...
Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person's picture, whisper "It has to look like an accident", walk away.
What do you call a cannibal who eats a lot of cereal eaters a cereal eater...
Did you know that Germany was the original creator of the Amazing Race? They tried to introduce it back in 1933. But the show caust too much.
Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, Teach a man to phish and he'll empty an old woman's savings account.
I can't come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh's soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I'LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
humans bury seeds in the earth, while birds cut out the middle man and eat them straight. really makes you think if you're stupid like i am
A gay couple and a lesbian couple check into a hotel. Which couple leaves first the following morning? The women. Lesbians leave lickety split. Gay guys have to pack their shit first.
Charm me with your beauty and intelligence or just wait till I'm really drunk.
Fellas; There's no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
If winning was easy, losers would do it.
FORD Fix or Repair Daily.
[GOP debate] JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation's struggles MODERATOR: what how JK: i went through everyone's mail
My wife doesn't like communism jokes. I capitalize on'em.
I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped. He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.
What do you call a chicken that can play tennis? A Henman.
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy .... .... I hear you ask.
Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor... Old but classic!
how do you know you are a real redneck? you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.
What do you call a gaping hole in your chest that smells like fish? VAGINA PECTORIS!
A chess grandmaster is asked "Which do you prefer, sex or chess?" The grandmaster replies, "It depends on the position."
Why are blonde jokes so short? So that men can remember them.
A woman wants to buy a pair of spectacles. A woman walks into a shop and says," Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles! " The shopkeeper replies," You certainly do ma'am! This is a grocery store.
I'll tell you a joke about sodium. Na. How about one about potassium? K.
A good friend doesn't just make you smile, they make you happy.
I'm part indian My ancestors are from the slapahoe tribe.
Nice guys finish last Which is quite unfortunate, given that nice guys finish last
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.
Why could'nt one cat impregnate the other cat?? Its because they're both pussies!!
Did you hear about the latest Calvin Klein Lawsuit? Yeah - but it wasn't much of a suit. It was actually a brief case.
Dude, your girlfriend's tits are so saggy... I bet she walked straight off of page 12 of National Geographic Magazine.
Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names
Q.How do you put out a fire?  A.Take away the HEAT FUEL OXYGEN or the CHIEF!
Even though I know its wrong. I don't know whats right... Damn math problems!
What does a clam do on his birthday?  He shellabrates!
When I was a kid, you could go into a corner shop with $1 and come out with 2 cokes, 3 Freedos and a magazine. Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
50 cent just escaped from jail... They just call him loose change now.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch manager.
What do women and computers have in common? You only learn to appreciate them when they go down on you for the first time.
I need to take a new default picture but i'm nowhere near a bathroom mirror.
There was a murder at the mime convention Everyone was left speechless
Why aren't there any mexicans in the Olympics? Cuz all that can run, jump or swim have got their ass over here.
How do you tell a good farmer? He's outstanding in his field
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
How dare you call me naive! I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
(telling a ghost story) You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That's adulthood coming for you! *all the adults start screaming*
In what sport to balls go flying around at speeds of up to 150 miles per hour? Jogging
What do call the President of Russia with an upset stomach? Vladimir Poopin
Two antennas got married The wedding wasn't great but the reception was amazing!
Women don't deserve to be paid as much as men and should stay in the kitchen. I'd go on, but that's the misogyngist of it.
that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in... and your pants are up.
A co-worker of mine vocally disapproved with my proposal to ban pyrotechnics in nightclubs... I told her to give her rebuke a rest.
A man walks into a gay bar and says... "Whose dick do I gotta suck to suck a dick around here?"
They say rabbits don't have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don't have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don't eat carrots.
Why doesn't Ellen have a cooking segment? She's always eating out
Bro, your girl is so basic bitch Her shoe size is 14
What do physics majors do when they hit the club? They torque it..
Knock, knock. Get off my porch!
A photon checks into a hotel.. The bellhop says: "Can I get your bags?" The photon says: "that's ok, I'm traveling light" - I heard Neil DeGrasse Tyson tell this joke with pure giddiness
My phone case doesn't expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
TIL chimneys can be used as conjunctions They may introduce a clause
I just touched a person with down syndrome. Then I shouted; "touchdown!"
How does a cactus do his math homework? He uses a cacti-lator!
That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
"Uno, dos..." And just like that, the Spanish magician was gone without a tres.
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ? A dingo-ling !
When the moon hits your eye/like an eel in the sky That's a moray
sleepy from being on your phone too much? there's a nap for that
Why was skrillex banned from the music shop? for dropping the bass too much
Why is math a scumbag? Because it borrows the one and never gives it back.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
A woman once said that a cheating man is like a deck of playing cards.... You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his fucking head in, and a spade to bury the bastard
I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day... Or you can just take the whole thing.
PRO TIP- Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half
DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris? ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris SON: OMG!! ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?
a woman wrote a c function to calculate the weight of her breasts the program crashed due to stack overflow
I saw a Russian woman shouting at her husband It's clear who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that relationship
Did you hear they are still going to run the New York Marathon? Phelps is the favourite.
What weapons did the Romans use to fight the Carthaginians As-salt rifles
I'll be going to my friend's Halloween party as a trapped Chilean miner unable to go to a friend's Halloween party.
There are three types of people in the world. Those who can count. Those who can't.
Why did the sorority girl add NaOH to her Frappuccino? Because she's a basic bitch.
The talk -Dad, am I adopted? -Not yet, we still haven't found anyone who wants you
You know what they say about men that live in glass houses... They beat their wives in the basement.
What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.
What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy? "The sky's the limit for you".
If you're having a bad day , just remember ... All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. She holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
*Hunts and Kills Winnie the Pooh *Hunts and Kills Pepe Le Pew *Cooks both in stew *Serves Pooh Pew Platter
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.
What rhymes with orange No it doesn't
What did the CIA dogs say when they supsected they were being followed? Looks like we got a tail.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? You really think feminists will ever change anything?
Shortest One-Liner ever Dwarf shortage
Friend: Hey dude, tell me a joke.  Me: Pussy.  Friend: I don't get it?  Me: I know you don't...
A low battery and full bladder is the new torture.
Did you hear the joke about ebola? Never mind, you won't get it.
Everybody always asks my why I like chess so much... yeah
Driving in London
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
My 4 y/o doesn't realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let's be gentle.
Did you hear about a band called 1020 MB? They haven't got a gig yet.
Did you hear how Mexico announced it's solving their country's housing crisis? The Mexican government has decided to build apartment
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak. If only they could see me now...
"Here, let me fill your head with a bunch of opinionated bullshit that's not actually news" - Every major news outlet
What's the difference between a cliche and a trope? BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY
I got lost in a corn field. It was quite a maize.
You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
TIL NBC had a show with the entire premise being an orangutan being a political advisor They decided to call it "late night with conan o'brien"
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro Sinko
Two owls were playing pool. One said "Two hits." The other replied "Two hits to who?"
A vending machine fell on me today Luckily it only had soft drinks
What do the Optimist Club and the Mile High Club have in common? They're both about giving a flying fuck.
[bar] HER: wanna get outta here? *winks* ME: hell ya HER: whatya thinkin? ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle HER: what? ME: u scared?
English is hard to understand It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars? "Well... If it's any constellation..."
Everything electrical runs on smoke They don't work after you let the smoke out
What do you call a Latino on a trick bike? A BMXican.
What is Russia's favorite type of pasta? Putinesca
I'm not one of those moms who knows all her kids by name.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth.
The rape advice hotline hung up on me today... Apparently "How do I stop them from blowing a rape whistle?" wasn't a valid question
My New Year's resolutions: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.
Steve Buscemi makes me regret buying a high definition tv.
What's black &amp; grey and also looks good on a cop? The World Trade Center
Did you hear about the Buddhist Viking? He believed he'd be Bjorn again
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Why do Hasidic Jews dress so strangely? Because they are unorthodox.
My wife said she was hungry and told me to order food... So I got us a hooker cuz I heard great things about their seafood buffet.
I saw a sign in the book store labelled "Christian Fiction" I think we all know where I'm going with this..
ME: My cat isn't overweight; she's just big-boned VET: This is a dog
What did Mr. Orange say to Anna Banana when she asked what his first name was in rhyme world? Fuck off
I went to church today just to thank God I'm not Miley Cyrus.
What's the real reason Lego Movie didn't get nominated for an Oscar? They thought it was called "The Leo Movie".
If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?
The victim's body was found in the kitchen surrounded by eight empty boxes of cornflakes. Police suspect it was the work of a serial killer.
I am forming a new punk band! We are called "young boys getting sodomised by fat middle aged men". Search for us on google!
What's more useless than a condom at a feminist rally? Everyone there.
What do having sex and playing cards have in common? If you dont have a partner. You better have a good hand.
Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them!!
~ At a bar last night ~ Her: I don't want to be alone tonight Me: Well, I can take care of that *takes her home* Me: Pick any cat you want
[Wall Street] ME: haha Hump Day, amiright? HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes* ME: eh? *nudge* HD: Dude don't- ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.
Remember to crowd around the baggage carousel like it's armageddon and the bags are the last remaining food items on earth, you animals.
What did the joke say to the anti-joke "I'm a joke," and the proceeded to cry into his beer.
How many Nazi skin heads does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10, 1 to do it and 9 to back him up. Source: https://redandblackbritain.wordpress.com/humour/
How do you tell 2 Scotsmen apart? You lift their kilts, and whichever one of them has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!
I changed my relationship status to "I'm sharpening my knives" on Facebook so my boyfriend's family will never come visit
I saw leaked footage of Finding Dory yesterday Bruce the shark is now called Caitlyn.
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?" "Please wait someone else is using it."
What kind of shirts do philosophers wear Soccer tees
What kind of movies do scurvy circles enjoy? rated movies.
My daughter told she hates getting glitter on her face I told her it's far better than getting Gary Glitter on her face.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news. He claims he found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. America will pay him to take Justin Bieber back.
In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again... He says, "I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it."
5/6 doctors agree... Russian roulette is completely safe!
New machine at the gym. They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it. They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, you name it...
Ganondorf doesn't use Reddit There are too many Links
Shoes from a drug dealer I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Two women are sitting in a cafe discussing work.. One says to the other "How do you like your job testing push-up bras?" The other woman replies, "It has its perks."
I expected a medal for my bravery when I had a full-leg cast on. Instead, I got atrophy.
I'd kill a man to have my pillow always cool on one side.
What's the same about George Washington, and a tranny? They both chopped down their own cherry trees.
Life is like poker. I try to get 21 but always hit on 14.
If Donald Trump becomes President... then that would server a perfect example of my belief that USA = P2W
Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Why are hipsters such great assassins? Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.
I don't want to alarm anyone but BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!
What do you call the useless skin on the end of a penis? A man. Courtesy of my grandmother.
Chuck Norris house trained his dog by 1 roundhouse kick to the face.
My girlfriend is a pornstar Shes going to kill me once she finds out,
Liquor How does a prostitute hold her liquor?
What do you call a controversy surrounding toothpaste. Colgate.
Ever since I joined a French pedophilia group.. (Xpost r/imgoingtohellforthis) I've been on Claude, nine.
Your momma so dumb she tried to climb Mountain Dew
What did Sacagawea the frog say in the trampoline factory? I'm very hoppy.
What do you call someone who walks into a building full of people? A cannibal.
I'm such a funny guy that everybody laughs at me. My life is a meme :')
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Attractive.
I was gonna tell a racist joke But fuck it, its too dark
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.
What is a pedophiles favorite part of a hockey game??? Before the first period
How do you make exotic matter? By taking a shit in a rainforest!
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio? And the dashboard, and the windshield...
I'm joining a cold war reenactment group. We get together on weekends and hide under desks.
I heard Florida rapper Rick Ross is making a cameo in the new dragon ball z movie Hes got that 8th ball.
I can't picture myself getting a tattoo I'll get married and have children, but a tattoo is just so permanent
What followed the Big Bang? The Big Cigarette
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
What kind of doctors do elephants become? Pachydermatologists
As a white man, I cannot celebrate Black history month, but I can celebrate Father's Day.
Irish girl What does an Irish girl do after she's sucked cock? Spits out the feathers.
So a Jewish pedophile walks up to a kid and says "Hey want to buy some candy?"
2 guys are in a public bathroom One is white, and the other is black. The white guy says across the wall, "This water is cold!" to which the black guy replies, "It's deep too!"
Why are they called hemorrhoids? Because asteroids was already taken.
Today my family is celebrating my dad's 100 days w/o alcohol he is in a coma
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab. This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.
If a mother and her son conceived a child, what would the child call his/her mother? "Herrburgggerrrpffffppphfffffdudududeck"
What do you call an Arab who has many cows? milk sheikh
What do vegan zombies crave? GRRAAAAINS!!
1890 How can you tell someone is a vegan, cross fitter, or an atheist? (alt) Make a joke about them, and then they'll get real offended.
Alien vs Predator upheld by Supreme Court. "this movie rules" said Justice Scalia writing for the court.
In the presidential election, who does the elephant vote for? Donald Trunk.
What do people say when they hear about the assassin from Wales? Welsh-hitman!
My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid." When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."
Today is World Alzheimer's Day! Just in case you forgot.
Why are storm troopers so clingy? Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Christian epileptics don't appreciate when you tell them "Jesus is the reason for the seizin"
A sandwich walks into a bar... The barman says "sorry, we don't serve food here."
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel.
What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house? He became a quack head
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."
I think Hitler was gay. After all, he sure loved licking the poles.
Old but Gold. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
Deep Love no matter how deeply you love someone, you cannot express it more than six inches deep
Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.
Ok so we get a deaf cat hear me out.
Just had sex in an Apple Orchard. I came in cider.
Can't wait until phones become waterproof so pushing people in pools becomes funny again.
such a hipster... they were into Adele before she got big.
Life is like a box of chocolates... It goes by faster if you're fat.
People keep telling me i'm self-deprecating. I don't think i deserve that.
A woman was looking in the mirror... And she says to her husband "I look fat. Give me a compliment." The husband replies " Your vision is perfect."
I started gaining as much weight as possible... I wanted to become a more well-rounded person
Knock knock. Who's there? Smell mop.
I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had. He started counting and fell asleep.
What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car? Dual air bags.
How does Brutus eat his salad? With a knife and Caesar dressing.
What did the former governor of California say after he helped the old lady cross the street? I'm Arnold to assist you.
[NSFW] My favorite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Bumper sticker I boinked the mother of an honor roll student at Parkdale Elementary. My wife...
Voting this year will be like going to the dentist... No one wants to do it, but we all know we should for our own good.
luke: yoda, i wish for........ your freedom yoda: i'm not a genie. i'm a person like you. i just look really weird
Hero's don't wear capes, they wear dog tags.
Roses are black... ...Violets are black, Everything is black, I'm Ray Charles.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because the neckbeard put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it. Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Squaring numbers are just like women If they are under 13 just do 'em in your head
heard about the toilet that quit his job? he was tired of dealing with that shit every day
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
What is the most popular vehicle in South America? They drive alpacars.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a whole bunch of hairs, and a fish that you just can't seem to find
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[on a date] *don't let him know you're a bird* Him: I'll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed. Me: *poops all over windshield*
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gag gag gag
which country has the maximum number of bacteria, fungus, viruses and other micro organisms? GerMany
ke$ha gets caught in the currency exchange market she is now ke0.77ha
Why are homosexuals so well dressed? Because they didn't just spend all that time in the closet doing nothing...
What is the comeback that fits well with any argument? Not a joke. Just want to see funny comments.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
As the head emerged from my wife's vagina, one of the doctors turned to me. He said, "Are you excited?" "Of course," I replied. "I haven't seen my Action Man in ages!"
Just figured out what "CW" means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don't buy ice cream. Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
"Muffintop" doesn't adequately describe what this girl has hanging over her jeans. I think "layer cake" would be the more accurate term.
Where do nieces and nephews come from? Aunt holes
I've got to go pick up my dog... I've got to go pick up my dog. Why? His car in the shop? No he had his license revoked... What for? Unpaid barking tickets.
What's the difference between a chicken and a hen? The spelling.
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *thwack* fuck... A skydiver goes FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- *THWACK*
What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? "What the Fuck!" and "What a Fuck!"
A fish swam into a wall... and said "dam!"
My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.
I like my women how I like my coffee... In a Styrofoam cup
What did Indian Ocean said to Atlantic Ocean? Nothing.. They just waved.
Lance Armstrong interviewed before a competition - How do you feel about the upcoming Tour de France? - I'm gonna give 110%
Does anyone have any good programming jokes?
What's the most popular white wine All Lives Matter
Black Widow movie slated for this fall A documentary on the aftermath of Baltimore
Lady: he's so mysterious Lady2: I wonder what he's thinking [Me, just wondering how easy it'd be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
tell me your jokes
Trump was recently asked his opinion on Roe vs. Wade... He thought it was two different ways to get across the Potomac.
Just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.
I used to live with my sister. It was really off-putting when I could hear her scream during sex... So I just put my hand over her mouth. "Shut up, no one is coming to help you."
Sarah Palin is claiming she had a sexual relationship with Bill Clinton. When asked, Clinton responded "Close, but no cigar."
whats got two legs and bleeds..? Half a dog
Does anyone know what subreddit "your mamma" jokes are in? Jk.
What do you call it when an amputee does Karate? Partial Arts! :)
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... His name is Chaz.
handsome when there are 3 people it is a threesome. when there are 2 people it is a twosome. thats why you're handsome.
What was Trump's reaction to the petition for him to release his tax returns Not my precedent
Who do elephants get their christmas  presents from ? Elephanta Claus !
I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink
What do Eric Clapton and Donald Trump have in common? They were both jealous of the size of a black man's crowd.
The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?
What did the 40 yr old bassoonist tell the proctologist? You need to examine my butt soon.
What's the difference between a politician and a computer? logic
Whats long, green, and smells like pork? Kermits finger
What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics? Legs.
It's funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment'. Because she thinks it's a punishmen
I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years I didn't want to interrupt her.
I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name He was like, "No way!" I was like, "Yahweh"
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
What is the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite? Israelites contain about 20% less fat.
What's the fat person's favourite football club? KFC.
Knock knock -Who's there? Ash -Ash who? Bless you.. P.S. kids love it
Your mama's so ugly people discriminate against her for it and she has no legal recourse.
I play in the band I play the circle, it used to be the triangle but I beat the fuck out of it
What do Libyan people put in their TV remotes? Tripoli batteries.
Wanna hear a joke?? Okay here goes, My ex-wife still misses me! BUT HE AIM IS GETTING BETTER! HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! You see it's funny because marriage is terrible.-Stanley pines 2012
Just got sacked from my job Been working at that jigsaw factory for years I've been in pieces all day :(
Pretty awesome that we have a black President. Maybe one day we'll even have a President named Sean.
god walks into a bar... and no one could believe it
Apparently asking the boss " who ignited the fuse on your tampon?" will get you sent to HR.
Why girls live longer than boys???? SHOPPING" never causes HEART ATTACKS, but,"PAYING the "BILLS" does
What did the server say when the customer requested something they didn't have? 404
Two homeless guys are watching a dog lick it's nuts... ... One says to the other "I wish I could do that" The other scoffs and replies "you'd wanna ask him first"
What's the cheapest kind of meat. Deer balls, they're under a buck.
Your momma so dumb she drove around looking for the App Store
I watch too much Asian porn... I accidentally learned to speak Korean.
"Doc, it's embarrassing, but I don't feel sexy." "Try wearing the wife's panties." "Really?" "Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice"
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you." Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
How did the pedophile pianist get caught? He accidentally let people hear him playing in D-minor.
Don't make ebola jokes Some people just won't get it.
I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and hate.
A man walks up to God and asks him, "Are you an ass man or a titties man?" God replies, "I'm a soul man."
My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian... it's like I've never seen herbivore. edit: I think I summoned the pun cult.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor. Ok that's how I dance.
Money is really tight this year... My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas.
What do robots do at the rave? They torque.
My wife screams like crazy during sex... ...especially when I walk in on her!!!
Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.
[NSFW] What's the difference between Harry Potter and Jews? Harry Potter came out of the chamber alive.
I hate it when homeless people shake their Change cups at me..... I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
I bought a metal detector. Beach better have my money.
Hillary, why are your socks so saggy? I'm not wearing socks
I bought these pants 50% off. I guess they're shorts now.
How to eat?
Pussy is like visa It's accepted almost everywhere
Sup, ducks? Lookin' straight nuclear with your orange ass bills & your furry yellow torsos. All aquatic & shit. Lazy as hell, too. One love.
Frieza may be cool... But his brother is Cooler!
What's the difference between Finebros and Humiliation pornstars? Humiliation pornstars get the money they want.
BDSM browsing reddit... Just a dom looking for a sub.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
"What are you doing tonight?" Gonna smoke some Herb. "Nice." -guys who work in a crematorium
You know what I say to people with low fiber diets. Tough shit
Void? Y E S F R I E N D Why are you laughing? A J O K E Tell me? W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E I don't get it Y O U W I L L
Why do the Heisenberg operators for position and momentum work from home? Because they won't commute.
A guy goes into a military surplus store... ..and asks the owner if he has any camouflage jackets. He says, "I've got hundreds, but I can't find any of them!"
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Can you at least smile if you're gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc? (takes off rubber glove) "You can pull up your pants now."
How did the high speed car chase end? Caught eem! Hahaaa caught eem.
What did the drunkard say when he walked into an Israeli bar? Hebrews?
Arby's also has a secret menu. If you order a "phone book" they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I like to mix things up a bit and go to a fast food place and complain that there isn't enough pubic hair or fingernails in my food.
What do you say to a crazy person who's talking to themselves? Hey, the person you're talking to said to give me a few bucks.
I just don't get bukkake It goes straight over my head.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote "AQUAMAN RULZ" all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Q: What connects the computers in Sauron's office? A: A Tolkien Ring network.
Doctor says to his patient "you have cancer and Alzheimer".. Patient looks at him and says: "At least I don't have cancer."
EVIL TUNA Did you hear about the evil tuna? He was rotten to the albacore.
My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs. She didn't believe I was God.
Deep Thoughts Do you think that, when two police officers are having sex, they appreciate the fact that they are copulating?
Where did Noah keep his termites? In a plastic bag.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 
Did you know that Hitler survived World War 2? He's currently a mod at r/news.
I like making babies... Unsuccessfully, of course.
Why did god give women yeast infections? So they know what it is like to live with an irritating cunt. Zing!
What's big, black, and explodes when shaken? A COKe bottle.
Why do Mexicans make tamales for Christmas? To have something to unwrap.
Dear President Kennedy, is it cool if we start asking what our country can do for us yet?
Sometimes I want to get married just so I can have something sad to tweet about.
What's funnier than a turd burg? Two turd burgs, fuck face!
What 8 letter phrase means a healthy scratch? Tim Tebow
NOW THAT is a great looking tie! just. WOW. I mean, SHIT, that's nice! seriously, that tie is fucking PERFECT! ... I ran over your kid.
I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write "wash me" on her face
How do you stop a metal from rusting? Use some antioxidants
What does a paedophile do at the beach? Lilo.
I went to a Zoo last week.... It had no animals there apart from one little dog!!!! It was a Shih Tzu
What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
You know how bullies stick a kid's head in the toilet & flush? We need to give Bieber credit for turning that into a look.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
What do plumbers and slinkies have in common They both make you laugh when you push them down stairs
Whats the age of consent in Thailand? 50$
I think it's so brave that Rosie O' Donnell is openly fat
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a dick up your ass!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Free event: Datsun + Tooth &amp; Nail Brewery + Mostly Danish For anyone that have been wanting to try food from Datsun and beers from Tooth &amp; Nail craft brewers.
How does a Tyrannosaurus Rex scratch it's junk? It squats down on a Triceratops.
Black joke Q. What do black guys have that's double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman? A. Their criminal record
How many pixies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
"Why Isn't The Media Covering This?" the media asks other media, peering into its media mirror, media-ing before a day of media in media.
tongued ellen told oprah on her show that ...she lost her first love to a well hung tongue oprah replied....gosh,that sounds like a mouth full
I'm worried about the calendar... Its days are numbered
Do you remember the name of the Italian/Vietnamese restaurant we went to? Yeah! It was great, how could I "Pho-get-abouttit"
Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom?  While the crowd was doing the wave two blondes drowned.
I went to a strawberry picking competition the other day, a woman with no arms and legs won it. Jammy cunt.
Did you hear the founders of New York City were Jewish..... Who else can buy the most valuable land in the world for 26 seashells.
What do you call a Jamaican who likes spaghetti? A Pastafarian.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we'll decide if that's positive or negative.
57% of serial killers were bed wetters until an unusually advanced age. Let's make fun of them! What's the worst that could hap..never mind.
Everyone always thinks I'm gay... Even my boyfriend.
Hilary Clinton is elected president ... FTFY
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one  and let the other one off.
customers who viewed SHIMMERING LIGHTS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOWS, also viewed THEIR FEET HELPLESSLY MOVING TOWARDS THE DARKNESS OF THE WOODS
The sign on the whore house door said, "Closed, beat it!"
What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and a homeless man who works at McDonalds? One of those greasy bums is making a lot more money.
The President gets an Escort...
A blind man goes to optician for a check up. The optician takes his guide dog away, replaces it with another and asks, 'Is this better?'
How many IT professionals does it take to change a lightbulb? Have you tried turning it off and back on?
Don't go over-analyzing my statuses. If I made sense all the time I wouldn't need to be here so much.
When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes I still do, but I used to too.
Why do hens sit on eggs? because they're too poor to afford chairs.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Hide all that weed because police lights are too.
George foreman sells a grill, what does the iron shiek sell? Cast iron sheik skillets.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Corporations big and small rejoice as taxes are lowered in St. Louis for businesses. Once again proving that famous saying; Missouri loves companies.
What do they call fat chicks in France? American tourists!
How many women does it take to park a car? A man.
What do a walrus and a ziploc bag have in common? They both like a tight seal.
what did the doctor say to the midget? you'll just have to be a little patient
The World Cup has an official song. The official anthem is "We Will Find a Way." It narrowly beat out the other contender, "I Feel Someone's Teeth in My Shoulder."
"BANGING BODY" Thanks "What's your secret?!" I eat fireworks "..." BOOM
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It's only 3 digits & he said it's only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Scientists recently developed a weapon that directly targets the Higgs Boson It's classified as a weapon of mass destruction.
My horoscope read "You're going places and you can't be stopped." Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises" The doctor says "Woow, how do your pants fit?", he replies "like a glove"
Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged.
Two guys walk into a bar.... You would think the first guy would've warned the other.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist] "He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth." *holds up drawing of Pac-Man* *sobs* THAT'S HIM!
Not really a joke but still funny US air force engineers and aerospace scientists developing the military's newest stealth fighter have approached Malaysia Air for the plans for the missing 777...
You know what they say about tapirs?... They're nosey pigs.
Menstruation is no laughing matter Menstration is no launghing matter. Period.
New guy: I really like your name Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[a dolphin kisses me at sea world] ME: so like what are we
What do Zack Snyder and The Jonestown Massacre have in common? Sucker Punch.
*tree falls in the forest* *tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn't look like an idiot*
Why are programmers bad at doing laundry? They throw all their dirty clothes on the heap.
What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other? A so-be-it union.
If Pobelter played tibia... ...his char would be called Probolter.
I delete enough tweets to know I should never get a tattoo.
Q: What do you call a prostitute's children? A: Brothel sprouts.
Best one I know, and quite apt this time of year! :D Americans think they have Freedom!
What do you call a gay wildcat? A dandelion
My girlfriend Likes to dress up like her self and act like a bitch.
Why do they call old people 'frogs' in Florida? 'Cause they all go there to croak!
What is a gay man's favorite vacation site? He loves to go to Bankok.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat. No Gary..I rent. I'm not a hobo.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile? Gladiator.
How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to "Yes I'll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me"?
I'll try this here. Let's all come up with a joke, line by line... One person starts, the next adds a line.
Where do poor meatballs live? The Spaghetto.
What do you call jerking off two dicks with your elbows? The chicken dance.
What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds? Chevy Chase.
Playboy's decision to keep models clothed comes weeks after McDonald's decision to serve breakfast all day.
One time the top popped off my blender when I was making a smoothie. So... Yeah Iceland, I get it.
What do you call an african american guy walking into the DMV? An african american guy walking into the DMV, you racist f#ck.
What do you call 3 Irish tree surgeons? Tree fellas
Why does Santa have a huge sack? Because he only comes once a year.
How do you say nachos in English? Mine.
What personal question is not obvious yet nobody has ever needed to ask anyone? Are you vegan?
George Zimmerman knock knock joke Person 1:Knock knock. Person 2: Who's there? Person 1: George Zimmerman. Person 2: George Zimmerman who? Person 1: Ok good you're automatically on that jury.
Oreo A little white kid goes &amp; stands in between 2 black kids and says : Look mommy, "Oreo biscuit !!!"
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word ME: capsicum P: no M: tumescent gerund caliphate P: stop trying to guess the word M: maelstrom
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she's not there so I can take some candy off her desk* HR: Do you need something Josh? me: Nope
TIL: 9 out of 10 people addicted to drinking break fluid... can't stop.
Do pigs like Backgammon? No they prefer their backs scratched.
What's the difference between your mom and a pizza? A pizza doesn't beg me to keep going when I'm eating it.
What did T-Rex say after doing yoga for the first time? dinosore
I'm a devout Catholic with a sex addiction. I'm a hole-y fucker.
Companies should make camouflage condoms... So they never see you comin
I'm taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can't lose them there, I'll try the mall again.
*takes a home pregnancy test* *finds out home is pregnant* *calls a carpenter to find out if it's gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I an expert on everything as long as I have google within reach and I don't like you enough to want to prove you wrong.
Really wanted the day off, so I texted my boss... "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" I'm not coming in this morning. (I got some time off now)
How do rain drops marry?  -They coalesce
What did the basic girl say after all her writing utensils broke? I literally cant even write now
What's Hellen Keller's favorite color? corduroy
I miss my friend Jack... I loved to listen to music with him.
[Shark Tank] an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm Sounds dum- It's called the Alarmadillo OMG SOLD
What does an Ethiopian have in common with Yoko Ono? They both are living off of dead beatles.
I'm not saying I've let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I've caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
What is Chewbaccas favorite celebrity? Wookie Goldberg
[ORIGINAL] What's a priest's favorite cheese? Swiss. It's holey.
When the Baltimore rioters looted the CVS, they stole everything except for the Father's Day cards.
I wonder if God ever looks down at the waste I've made of my life and thinks to himself, "He should have been an opossum."
My girlfriend thought the fossball table in our living room was too fratty. So I filled it up with water and turned it into a synchronized swimming simulator.
What's the funniest fish in the world? Piranhahahahaha Don't lynch me
How long is a short circuit? As long as it takes to ***find*** it!
Inspired by Baby Jesus, I'm hoping to get nailed this weekend.
How do I know thieves are bad kissers? Because apparently I make out like a bandit.
Hillary and Bernie are on a boat Hillary and Bernie Sanders are on a boat. It's sinking. Who survives? America survives
M.C. Escher was born on this day in 1898. Although if you study the timeline of his life, it also looks like he was born in 8681.
If Donald Trump's Hair turns out to be a wig then... There'll be hell Toupee.
Snake and the lizard Did you hear about the snake and lizard? Turns out they moved. Yeah, they scored an upscale apartment.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight? HER: no not yet!! i'm totally free and available ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
i jacked off into the toilet and tried to flush but the cum seems to always stay afloat..... well,what do you know...... I got great swimmers!!!
What's the difference between a suicidal ghost hunter and a weaboo alcohol taster? One drinks bleach and watches spirits; the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.
How many Orthodox Hasidic Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, ya mensch. It's Shabbat.
And the award for best neckwear goes to... Well, would you look at that...it's a tie.
What kind of bird flies around bays? Bagles
[2 guys at open mic night] What are we gonna name our band? [from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO *they look at each other*
Why are you laughing? My dentist just pulled one of my teeth out. I don't see much to laugh about in that.  But it was the wrong one!
There's no police in Canda... If your car is faster than a moose
Person: I like your name. Me: thanks, I got it for my birthday
Why do Jewish people have big noses Because air is free
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I hate gays They're all fucking assholes
Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind
Broken Pencils are pointless.
I opened a sperm bank in London recently... We had a disastrous first day. Only two clients. One came on the bus; the other one missed the tube.
Roses are Dead, Violets are Dead I am a bad gardener
Why isn't it safe to hunt niggers anymore? Because PETA will freak out.
What does E.T stand for? Because he hasn't got a chair!..... sorry.
Vanilla body wash.... smells amazing.... tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.
Sex is a lot like pizza. When it's good, it's good! But when it's bad.. It's still kinda good.
Fool me Once - Shame on You. Fool me Twice- Shame on Me. Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?
how many black live matters protester does it take to screw in a light bulb? no one knows it was too dark to see them.
Whats the world weakest animal ? A toad he croaks if you even touch him !
What web page do orphans visit the most? 404 Edit: Sorry it sucks, it's me trying to make oc.
What do women and the square root of 2 have in common? They're both irrational.
A city boy was on his first camping trip. He was eating his lunch under a tree when an old-timer came along. 'It smells like rain' he said to the boy. The city boy replied 'They said it was lemonade.'
How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad's dick tastes like blood..
Need jokes about Germany/German people Friend of mine going to Germany. Want to wallpost lame jokes on his wall. The cringeworthier the better.
Q: What holds the moon up? A: Moonbeams.
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
What's a cows favorite type of tv show A cows favorite type of tv show is animoo... I'm bad at jokes
Go sport ball! Game time! Yelling and outfits! Beer! You guys are bad! We are good! Sports yelling! Bright colors! #sports
Why didn't the girl go on a date with the artist? Because he was sketchy.
How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.
Give a man a jacket And he'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.
Why were people milking cow upside down? Because the system went tits-up
Didja hear about the coke dealer who retired? He didn't want to put his business in other peoples' noses anymore.
WAIT, THERE'S NOTHING IN THIS AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM!
Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol
Everyone in "Star Wars". Everyone in "The Muppets". Everyone in "Game of Thrones". This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I've just been at the hospital having a mole removed from my penis. I wont be shagging one of those again!
What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts? M'rauders Map
Christmas gift What did the kid with no arms or legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
What do you call a group of rappers in a washing up bowl? In Sink!
9. You can fit 9 cats inside an acoustic guitar.
Scientists have found out... after they were shown the exit.
Embrace her crazy and she'll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first
What do you call a fish with no eye? A FSH
What does a vampire with a weight problem drink? Blood light
1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood 2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures 3. Get all the cats
My dad called in and told this joke to win a corny joke contest in the 70's What has two knees and swims in the ocean? A Two-knee fish!.....
[interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Superman: Seriously?
A man was pulled over for speeding... The officer says: Where is the fire at? The man replies: it's back there, I'm just going to get the water! (This is a true story, my uncle really said this)
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair... Virgin mobile
How does a black girl know she's pregnant When she pulls out her tampon the cotton is already picked
As of Nov 9, 2016, what will be the 2nd most populous state in America? Catatonic
A Roman walks into a bar........ .....holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend's parent's house and the toilet water was rising... -My best pickup line
How long does it take for a Jew to get 100 meters far? It depends on the wind strength.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
Girl: Do you have protection? Me: Um like a sword?
What does the chemistry teacher like to do with his dead bodies after he kills 'em? Barium.
"Hey, your fly's down" Oh shit.. *pets fly's head* you'll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we'll get you some new wings
Don't send me a  face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of Helium? HeHe
Can't wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours
In coach, I like to pretend it's my private plane and I happened to invite along a couple hundred of my stinkiest and loudest friends.
"More than 1 way to skin a cat" - "Killing 2 birds with 1 stone" - Running like a chicken with its head cut off" -- who ARE we???
Who's your friend?
What do you call it when a group of chickens rebel against their farmers? Coop d'etah
Why don't the other DC heroes like Nightwing? He's always being a dick to them.
Two old ladies sitting on a park bench.. Two old ladies sitting on a park bench, a streaker ran by. One of them had a stroke, the other just couldn't reach.
Q: What's every cat's favorite song? - A: Three  Blind Mice!
Two muffins are sitting in an oven The first one says "Man it sure is hot in here" The second one replies "JESUS RIVERDANCING CHRIST A TALKING MUFFIN!"
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 4K
If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it's isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you
A thief broke into my house last night... he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him
What does a Jewish barista do? He brews!
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!
Money is a good servant... ... but a bad master.
Here's how I made my dick 10 inches long... I folded it in half.
Did you hear about the monster who had an  extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.
Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.
Boyfriend rushes home: Pack your bag honey, I've won Rs.10 crores in a lottery. Girl Friend: Wow! Dubai or Switzerland? Boyfriend: Who Cares? You just pack your bag &amp; GET LOST!!!
How many confederate flag bearing husbands does it take to beat up their wives? None, she fell down the stairs.
Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? He said "I still love Vista, baby!"
What happens when geese land in a volcano ?  They cook their own gooses !
They say that it's tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses: six past one present and no future.
No matter how kind you think you are... German kids are always kinder
How do you tell the difference between the front and back of a tree? Go to the toilet, because you would never shit in front of a tree.
Why aren't cremations given out for free? Because you have to urn them.
Evidently that good samaritan bullshit doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.
Wanna hear a joke? You!
What is stronger than Ronda Rousey? Her anti-depressants.
MIL: You're going to give me a heart attack someday! M: Last time I checked you didn't even have a heart.
What did the left breast say to the right breast?? We better get some support soon or everyone'll think we're nuts
How do dogs like to have sex? RUFF!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
What do you call a haughty criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target." "Were we at least close?" "Not even remotely."
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back. Satan: WHAT
When I go to the bar I get a Lindsey Lohan. It's a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke
"Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl" -just to be clear, if I don't tell you she dies but I get to live right?
If I had all the money in the world to do whatever I wanted I'd be the next US president
A man shot a guy in the butt from 1000m away It was one helluva crack-shot.
What's the squeakiest ride at the fair? The haunted mouse
Black magic is kinda racist, but it's better than nigga wizardry
Did you hear about the midget that finally came to terms with his homosexuality? He just came out of the cupboard.
What's the difference between roast chicken and pea soup? I can roast chicken but I can't pea soup
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
*shots fired in the club over the last slice of pizza*
Really funny joke What's Charlie Sheens middle name? Washingma Charlie Washingma Sheen
Your Harvard education doesn't make me respect you more - it makes me respect Harvard less.
"HEY, WHERE'S THAT BOOK?!" (Dewey Decibel System)
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common? They both plat no more.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds. He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Where do babies come from? Storks bring white babies. Crows bring black babies. So what brings no babies? Swallows
A lot of people think boogers are funny But they're snot.
Who wants to join me in quest to warn teenagers about the harms of plucking your eyebrows too thin?
[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here *wife walks in with police officer* "did you take a knife to a job interview"
Freda: Boys whisper they love me. Fred: Well they wouldn't admit it out loud would they?
My Son Is A Genius Mom 1: my son is so smart I swear he's the next Albert Einstein Mom 2: oh really? My son is the next Steven Hawking, he never gets his up off his ass
Heya /r/jokes! do you want to know how to keep a loser in suspense? I might tell you tomorrow.
Roses are red Violets aren't ferns Since I've been with you When I pee it burns.
What's the difference between RPGs and Drunken Style Kung Fu? In the first, you must drink a lot of liquids before battle, but in the latter, you only pretend.
Two ninjas walk into a bar. They stole several glasses and a Vodka bottle, without the bartender noticing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef! Bonus joke: What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef!! Double Bonus: What do you call a cow with one leg stuck in the ground? Steak!!!
Two artists had an art contest... It ended in a draw
What did the man without a voicebox say to the person next to him?
Wanna hear a good one? The current choices America has for the job of president.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier. Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Overheard my boss say this to our secretary.. What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
At the car dealership - Hello, i'm interested in buying an Alfa . - Romeo? - Juliet ?
Why do fat women always have a cat? In case they run out of food.
A guy asked me if I wanted some free fish... I asked, "What's the catch?"
Re: global warming and the cold weather "Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air."
What did they call the sad little fish poop with no father? A bass turd.
Nightmare scenario: a man with the confidence of Pitbull and the talent level of Pitbull.
I made up a good one. Why do so many white people do meth? Nobody likes a cracker without salt. *I'm white*
What is the difference between a Siberian husky and an Alaskan husky? About 1500 miles.
Matt Schaub and Eli Manning walk into a bar. What happened? They order a beer sampler and the bartender tells them to pick 6.
How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris? No one knows, it's never been done before
Here's another Diarrhea joke If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, then does one enjoy it?
What is Bear Grylls' favorite snack brand? Nature's Valley
Bread is just bread until you drop it on the floor. Then it's toast.
I went to the doctor the other day and he told me I need to quit masturbating I asked why and he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"
Did you hear about Freud's party last night? Id was wild!
What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.
The principal confiscated my CD's and microSD full of songs from 1980's shoot-em-up video games, specifically the ones mentioning eagles. He said it was illegal contraband.
I hate my new Haircut!! ... But it'll grow on me =D Do you get it?
I'm not sure how messed up this is. What did Bill Cosby say when he was asked about the child abuse claims? Kids say the darnedest things.
Are there any medium rappers? They're always big or lil
I only listen to Australian indie pop music on Sundays.. Because that is the Lorde's day.
What do you call an ant with frog's legs?  An antphibian.
How do doctors treat mesothelioma? Asbestos they can.
18 years ago my 4rd grade teacher said to me "You aren't shit and you'll never amount to anything."... I guess it's safe to say, she was a psychic. Wonder if she can predict the lottery too.
What percentage of germans are not nazis? ninety-nine point nein nein nein nein nein nein nein percent
Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, "Hey, I found you on Twitter" and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.
Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
What do you call a horse who likes crackers? Seatriscuit
19 and 20 got in a fight 21
I hate when people make fun of people with epilepsy It makes me so mad I shake and twitch with anger
Who doesn't want to be a millionaire? Well, certainly not a billionaire.
Where does the red teletubby come from? Poland
Whatever doesn't kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
For Sale... Parachute: $300. Slightly stained. Used once; never opened. No strings attached.
How does an Alabama girl know she's in for a crazy night? Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.
After I changed sex, my daughter has been ignoring me.. It seems like I'm transparent
Suicide book A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
What did the police officer say to stop the depressed man from jumping off the bridge? You have potential. Sorry if this is a repost, just thought of it now.
Did you hear about the blonde who was a really  good cook? She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!
If I've said it once, I've said it one hundred times. I'd rather listen to an auto-tuned queef played on a loop over and over, than listen to Lady Gaga's performance at the Grammy's again.
What did the milk say after it got beat? ...It's butter this way
How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar?  Throw it under a bus.
How many Redditors does it take to change a light bulb? Well... none. But their friend did once.
Girl to boy. Girl: What's up ? Boy: If I tell you, will you sit on it ?
Why did they arrest Jared Fogle at 3:15? That's when the big hand touches the little hand.
So a magician walks in to a bar And says to the bartender "Why so many fucking reposts?"
What's the definition of vagina? The box a penis comes in ;)
I ordered the kit "Make your wife beautiful" And they sent me two bottles of Jagermeister.
I got my mind on my monkey and my monkey on my back.
How many racecar drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's impossible, they only know how to turn to the left.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
"Do you know the difference between jam and jelly?" "I can't jelly my cock up my wife's ass."
dont call my cell phone unless i know you and really even if i know you dont call my cell phone
If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
Breastfeeding in public is a great way to get hit on. Especially if you forget to bring your baby.
So I was having sex with a girl from work... She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us. Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.
What's a pedophile's favorite musical score? The Magic Flute in A Minor
How do you tell the difference between a Pakistani wedding and an ISIS training camp? I don't know, I just fly the drone
I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.
What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track?  The Indy 500.
a sort algorithm walks into a bar he orders anything
You know how you'll see something a million times, but can't find it when you need it? That's why I stopped buying condoms.
Jew joke I'm a German Jew raised catholic and a chain smoker. I'm genetically engineered to hate myself.... And I think I'm gassing myself.
Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again
I call her Magnet... She's attractive from the back, but repulsive from the front.
Why do black people only have nightmares? They shot the only one that had a dream.
Why does gigahertz? Because megabytez.
What does snoop doggy dog use to do his laundry? Answer in comments.
Sometimes when I look into the toilet I realize that I'm not a regular guy.
A joke from Jimmy Neutron made into my own. Q: In the dark they arrive without being fetched In the light they are lost without being stolen. What are they? A: Good TV shows.
My local police stations toilet was stolen.... The cops have nothing to go on.
What does it sound like when two churches fight? Pew Pew PEWPEWPEW!!!
Wanna hear my joke about the beach? I'm shore you'll like it
I never took Complex Anal. in college So I had to find out about the residue theorem the hard way.
[US] THIS WOULD BE GREAT ON NETFLIX!! I'm still waiting for that porno category...
Me and my son don't always see eye to eye because we both wear glasses.
saw your mum at the supermarket buying vaseline & cucumbers & nothing else, no wonder your dad died if that what she puts in sandwiches
Judge: How do you find the defendant? Jury Foreman: Well...I guess I just look right at him. Why -- isn't that how you do it?
How do you say 50 cents name in Zimbabwe? 400 MILLION DOLLARS!!!
I once let a blind guy touch my face and he thought I was Philip Seymour Hoffman
Why doesn't the sun go to college? It's extremely bright, it already has 28 million degrees.
"just do it" Nike is sponsoring a probation program. They provide T-shirts with the slogan " just DON'T do it"
Yeah, I had a good weekend. Mostly just ran around the theater screaming "THE BOOK WAS BETTER! WHATEVER YOU'RE SEEING, THE BOOK WAS BETTER!"
Last month I lost my camouflage hat... I'm not sure how I should feel about this
I was out shopping today; guess who asked about you?! Nobody.
How many dead orphans does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than 10, cause it's still pretty dark in my basement.
What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest? **An astro-fizzy-tits**
LinkedIn Bans Prostitutes And Escorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to  the party?
How many Scene kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it
What do you call Atheism? A non-prophet organization.
I hope buying all this cat food doesn't make me look like a crazy cat lady. I just like the taste.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay  waiter."
The last four letters of the word "queue" are just there because they saw a queue forming and hoped it was for something good.
Why did the cookie get fired from his job? He came to work baked.
if you imagine all of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger, it changes things drastically.
Redditors of Mississippi. Tell me how do you feel abou- Oh wait, you can't read.
*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*
When I told my friends that I'm writing jokes for a living... ...they laughed at me, wait 'till they hear one of my jokes on tv, they won't be laughing then!
Christians call it the Rapture. Chuck norris calls it cleaning his house.
I was just eating cashews and one of them fell into my bra. Is it still a cashew or is it a chestnut now?
[Pickup Line] Do you hold up the KDE desktop environment? Because you're a QT!
Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match? Because they rain supreme.
At church, what three words are foremost in a bride's mind on her wedding day? "Aisle,altar,hymn."
A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water. The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?' The vampire holds up a used tampon and says. 'I'm making tea.'
How many people with no humor does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
What's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
Me: The new guy's a lumberjack? Boss: Yep Me: He seems nice... Boss: STOP Me: I'll bet he's good at... Boss: DONT Me: random axe of kindness
It must suck to be creative in Boston... Because everyone tells you how "ah-tistic" you ah.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows? A cawcus
*looks at selfie* "Hmmm I need more flattering lighting" *tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine* "ahhh much better"
And now, a poem. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Violet is a shade of purple, so you're a lying whore.
How do you get down off of an elephant? You dont. You get down off a goose.
How will Trump fund the wall? He'll get the money from *wall* street
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cam ! Cam who ? Camalot is where King Arthur lived !
I just shit my pants! I guess it serves me right for eating them in the first place...
What did one orange say to the other orange? Do you speak Mandarin?
Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
Selling chewing gum. Mint condition.
Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season? Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children.
Australia I told my girlfriend I've been to Australia... I kissed her sting ray down unda'
Why do elephants and stoners get along so well? ....uh.. I don't remember..
A Girl once asked me how I view Lesbian relationships... I told her "In HD". Apparently that was not the right answer
[Desert island] Me: JANE! Jane: What? M: It's a boat! J: HEEEEEEEEELP! Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Did you hear of the old man that died while masturbating? He had a stroke.
I live like a king of medieval time. I eat three meals a day, each meal may have meat and spices. I work sitting down.
Why do black people hate chainsaws? **RUN** NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA
Why can't Daredevil drive a car? Because he's from New York.
A guy forgot to pay his exorcist... He got repossessed.
the chemistry between me and any kind of food is just whoa
Don't judge. Maybe I'm conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don't know.
Do you know what's funnier than 24? *25*
What do a Redneck divorcee and a Tornado have in common? -- either way, you're gonna lose your trailer...
What does an egg say when it gets punched in the stomach? Oeuf!
Rule 34.34 of the internet If it exists, there is a repost of it.
Be sure you are standing on your left foot and only your left foot at midnight tonight... ...so that you start the new year off on the right foot!
There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
What's the most annoying thing on /r/jokes? People who post the joke intro twice.
I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.
How do girls know when they are adults? When they start to like spankings
I like my coffee like I like my women... Ethiopian and full of milk. (I'm so sorry)
Why did the clock get banned from the library? It tocked too much
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I'd resemble a crack addict.
I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just don't care. Then I realized I do care. Damnit, I do care.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day. I thought, wow, that's a big word for an 8 year old.
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary, those who don't, those who think this joke is in base 3, and those who know this joke is in base 4.
Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens
There's no "I" in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
What does Freud like to do with his mum Oedipussy
What's a rabbits' favorite book? Hop on Pop.
I have a file on my computer named Hillary Clinton When I tried to open it, I got a message saying ' file is too corrupt'
My SO thinks this is a very funny joke... is it? Q: Where do ballerinas go to get their torrents? A: The Pirouette Bay
I thought VH1 was showing an episode of The Golden Girls, but turns out it was an interview with Steven Tyler, David Bowie & Keith Richards.
What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
You know what I hate? People that start their statements with rhetorical questions.
Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid
What did the guy Zebra say to the girl Zebra? Take ze bra off.
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? Ahh yes I can see how you would think it's the "r", but in fact it's tha "C"!
5: Can you cut off the skin? Me: What? 5: *holds up sandwich* the skin M: The crust? 5: yeah M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
You know what the best thing is about being a narcissist? Me.
why does the mexican take xanax? For hispanic attacks
What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? "I don't know." "So you're the one!"
Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep. Check on sleeping baby. Can't hear breathing...prod sleeping baby Repeat
How do you get a whale off a beach? A whale-barrow!
Women who want to renew your wedding vows.... Why not renew the bachelorette party? You'd probably have more fun.
Why shouldn't you let a Pokemon take a shower with you? He might Pikachu.
"I'm not that kind of girl." ~That kind of girl
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.
What's the last thing you want to hear right after you get done blowing Willie Nelson? " I ain't Willie Nelson."
How do you get a gay to fuck a women? Shit in her cunt
My wife had the best Mother's Day I didn't ask her for sex, not even once.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel? A: Climb in a tree and act like a nut.
"I shaved for this shit?" - All of us at one point in our lives.
How did the Fonz die? Ayyyds
An engineer has girlfriend but she lives in other nation ...... .......&amp; that nation is "Imagination"
Just now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India? We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.
I rang the gym about joining their yoga class. They asked: *"how flexible are you?"* &amp;nbsp; I said *"I can't make Wednesdays or Thursdays"*.
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I shoulda cooked it at aloha temperature.
Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle? the Polar Bear
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? So she could moan with the other.
Two Blondes Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto; "I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night" "Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Why do Jews have big noses? cuz air is free
My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet
Why wasn't the fish allowed to play in the band? Because he couldn't tuna piano! ^^^^I'll ^^^^show ^^^^myself ^^^^out
How to end an interview: 1. Thank them for their time. 2. Shake their hand firmly. 3. Firmer. 4. Firmer yet. 5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic
Sometimes I'll casually say "what else do you want?" on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I'm ordering for more than just me.
What ethnic group do cannibals eat on thanksgiving? Turkish
What's the difference between a worm and an apple ? Have you ever tried worm pie ?!
I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes! It's called Twenty Pho Seven
Political opinions are like assholes If yours shows up in my Facebook feed I will probably block you
SHENG WANG: FUN AT THE PARK Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
What is the difference between Russian Optimist Pessimist and Realist? An Optimist learns German. A Pessimist learns Chinese. A Realist learns AK-47.
How did they keep the pilot out of the cockpit? With an Allahu Lockbar.
I was never good at French in school. Just remembering how to say "bread" is le pain.
Which kind of shark is also the saddest dog? The porbeagle. _
"Women are crazy!" "Did one try to murder you unprovoked?" "No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
Fruit Basket Stephen King and Richard Bachman are sharing a fruit basket. Which one noms de plum?
I tried to learn how to drive a stick shift but I couldn't locate the manual.
[takes a nap] ok i like the concept [sleeps for a long time] alright alright im diggin it [dies] oh hell yea baby that's the stuff
I bought a new camouflage coat put it in the closet and I can't find that fucker anywhere
I swear I am not racist I have nothing against them, actually I think every white person should have one! I'm sorry
What is the opposite of a meme? A youyou
"You a cop?" UNDERCOVER COP: No. "So you wouldn't mind if I ... threw these donuts away?" UC: *sweats profusely*
Calm down, white people expertly wielding chopsticks to eat pad thai.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane... and the flight attendant says, "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one carrion."
Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube? Because I am an Asian that knows how to solve you in 22 seconds
My boyfriend doesn't like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, "Beard Man" "Jolly Girl" and "the one I slept with in 2009."
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work.
[French restaurant] DANIEL: Promise me, not again MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon? [waiter comes] D: Don- M: [waves hand] Garcoff
TIFU while trying to write a joke Ok so it wasn't today, it was 10 years ago.
Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Tyrana**sore ass** Rex
Why did Josh Gordon marry Mary Jane? So he'd only get a 2 game suspension for abusing her.
My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis... ...and asked what I was doing. Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the correct answer.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg? One's an overblown Nazi gasbag and the other's a dirigible.
What do you call a robotic lizard that can't stand up? Ereptile dysfunction.
Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink
My paper rips a lot It's tearrible paper.
Hey sexy granny, you better call life alert Because I've fallen for you and can't get up
Mummies are basically just zombie burritos.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Eat mop Eat mop who? Hahahahaha
My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded " if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year"
I used to want to be a banker. But then I lost interest
I went to a restaurant last night and had the Wookie steak... It was a little Chewy...
My husband is so weird He always listens to me for an hour and a half, but then he turns off the tv, and leaves, telling me the match ended.
What bird is most likely to inspire a revolution? A pigeon... "Coup, coup"
I scream, you scream- Fine, I'll put down the flare gun and let the hostages go.
Where do one-legged people go to eat? IHOP.
What do 2 Chinese people call their black child Sum ting wong
sexist joke Why is a woman like a condom? Because they both spend more time in your wallet then on your dick.
How did the Machine Learning professor pick which of his undergrads to have sex with? He used a Naive Babe Classifier. ... Sorry for the nerd joke; I'll show myself out.
What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple ? Worm your way out of that one !
what aftershave does James bond uses after retirement? Old Spyce.
The citizens of Twin Peaks became furious when they learned who killed Laura Palmer. They soon began to behave like a lynch mob.
I made a really sexy gravy. It was saucy. I put a few raisins in it, but it started getting fruity.
What does an electric engineer say when they get kicked in the balls? Owch! it hertz
I like my women like I like my cars ...All black and twenty eight hundred pounds!
I was tickling my younger brothers feet last night, then my mother had a right go at me. Something about waiting till he's born first.
Great deals on circumcisions, Half off!
What's the difference between Hitler and Donald Trump? One made a killer microwave.
What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? A pizza can feed a family
What do you call someone who gets Praise and Merit on Reddit? Creddit!!!!
YO' MAMA IS LIKE... ASS HAIR Yo' Mama is like ass hair: totally useless and full of sh*t.
Where did Sally go after the explosion? Everywhere.
I've been having constant sleep paralysis In my last 3 dreams I was in a wheelchair
You should go to all your friend's funerals... ...otherwise they won't come to yours. EDIT: NOT MINE, a friend told me this one, he also heard it on the radio but doesn't know which context.
My dentist said I have a very wet mouth. *Updates dating profile.
What do you call an asian who flies planes? A pilot.
What do nazis eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles
What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their stupid event?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine* Girl: Aw that's so sweet *Pulls out a pickaxe* Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
We should move to a herb based fuel economy We can finally make the trains run on thyme.
What did the two lesbian vampires say to each other? See you next month.
older woman => young dude: cougarnolder man => young women: manthernolder man => younger men: faguarnolder woman => younger women: sheetah
Nice try, PG-13 comedies.
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk? Utterly useless
Two Snowmen are standing in a field. One snowman turns to the other snowman and says, "Does it smell like carrots to you?"
I went to a karaoke bar last night. I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music... at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.
A man was walking his dog in a graveyard when he spots another man crouching behind a tombstone Mourning,He Said, The Other man replied "No just taking a shit."
Joke for any location... I was at a "place of religion or race" the other day going through some magazines... ... I was perfectly happy till my rifle jammed.
Where do crows go to buy groceries? Kroger
"Hey Dad, I'm going to the airport. Call me a taxi.' Dad : "Hi taxi"
Not tryin' to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it's inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
On one side of me was Dwayne Johnson, and the other, a stone fish. I guess I was just between the Rock and a hard plaice.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
pplease remember to turn your location on so the buffoons on this web site can have an easier time finding you, for whatever horrible reason
What did the captain say to the men before they got on the boat? "Men, get on the boat."
What has two thumb drives full of porn and forgot his laptop was hooked up to the projector?
Why couldn't the pregnant horse sing? Because she was getting a little hoarse
Analysts have recently uncovered the reason behind Obama's recent activity He is practicing for a golf war.
Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes? A: Because they're simple easy and they taste good.
What's it called when you have sex early in the day after a funeral? Mourning Sex.
What is the worst thing to happen to an anagrammer? It is to get West Nile in the stew line.
What's a muslim's favourite game? Goat Stimulator
I took a "Paint with Wine" class. The instructor was really impressed with how well I handled my wine.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A minor.
Al Gore should start a band and call it Algoreithms.
What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off? I'll get you next slime!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly, because they're full of shit.
inexplicably call ur boss "shortpants" until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes
How many NBA refs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw playoff games.
Want to hear a joke about Nitric Oxide? NO
Who uses a Rubik's Fleshlight? Incubators.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey... But I turned myself around.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Why did the ghost go to the funfair. He wanted to go on the rollerghoster.
S&amp;M "Fuck me till it hurts." *slap* "Well, that was easy."
Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.
If Black Lives Matter So Much... Why Don't Their Fathers Want To Be A Part Of It?
How does french cheese expire? From age
I can't wait til there's a chalk outline filter
I like my beer like I like my violence... ...domestic
I saw a middle aged man staring at a picture of his very first steps. With tears in his eyes, he told me he regrets ever replacing the steps with an elevator.
I bet those 300 Greek soldiers would have stood a better chance if they thought to wear armor instead of going to war in capes & speedos.
A dyslexic woman walks into a bar And puts it on
What did the FLAC say? I'm an audiophile
Kidnapping is the most misleading term ever I've had these kids in my trunk for an hour and I can't get them to stop screaming let alone nap
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
What's the similarity between a KFC meal and sex? When you're finished, all you're left with is a greasy box.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
Do you know why they call Venice the city of romance? You can't spell canal without anal.....
If Panic! At the disco were Mexican... They would be called Hispanics at the disco
What's the difference between Paul Walker and Windows 10? Paul Walker only crashed once.
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan
My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died... She got eaten by a giant crab
OP's sex life.
whoever thinks money doesn't bring happiness, transfer it to my account.
A real man can feel embarrassed only two times in his life... the first time when he can't manage the second time, and the second time when he can't manage the first time.
Do you have a favorite boat joke? No? Well you will schooner or later.
What were the infinite number of Indian Mathematicians complaining about? That the Hilbert Hotel didn't book Uncountables.
[I time travel to 1998] Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Today I thanked my toilet, because it puts up with my shit everyday.
If I meet Captain Crunch I'm going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.
[a person with cold hands] DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE [a dog with cold paws] POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
What do you call a camel with three humps? pregnant
Why did the Jew vote for Obama? Because he promised change.
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene.
What is similar between Spain, Ireland, and the United States? Their economies falter after a popping of a housing bubble.
Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Who needs light bulbs under a glass ceiling?
Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal? He was so proud, he had it bronzed.
There will be no documentation of the 1990's... ...Because only 90's kids will remember
April Showers Bring May Flowers. What do May Flowers Bring? Pilgrims.
What did the peanut say to his wife before he left? I'll be back in a jiffy
And the lord said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life" But john came fifth, and only won a toaster!
I tried typing "penis" as my new password and I got an error message saying it was too short.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
A bandit walks into an old west bank... and yells, "alright, I want all you mother stickers down on the ground - this is a fuck up!"
You remind me of someone I'd never like to meet.
Just went to an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.
1st old man says "I wish I could pee with no problems", 2nd old man says "I wish I could poop easily", 3rd old man says "I easily do both by 10am...." ".... problem is, I don't wake up til noon"
So this joke crossed the line in a group I tell "Offensive Jokes" to every week. Is it? Can you top it? NSFW / NSFL How do you titty fuck a 7 year old? *Snap her shoulders.*
Where do you find a paraplegic Where you left them
There's been a toothpaste scandal. The press have called it Col-Gate.
Okay Canada. You've made your point. Will you take winter back now? Please?
[sits family down at dinner table] I've decided we're going to start watching anime
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Waiter, there's an I in my team
I don't mind your bad kids running around if you don't mind me tripping them.
I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69... I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
It's cute that you think everyone is jealous of you. We actually just don't like you.
Trump announces plan to crush China by sending Chris Christie to every Chinese buffet in the country.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I've read on Goodreads so it looks like I'm smart or something.
Offensive Joke (Orlando) The only straight thing in Orlando are the bullets
Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They steal the green cards.
Mustaches: they're growing on you.
What is the difference between a priest and a pedophile? A pedophile does not get tax exemptions for raping young boys.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chloe ! Chloe who ? Chloe's Encounters of the Third Kind !
Women are like parking spaces... Sometimes all the good ones are taken, so you have to stick it in a disabled one.
What do you call a serial killer that plays bingo? Jeffery Dauber.
your mamas feet are so scaly you can see crocodile dundy in her foot bath.
Shoepidity... wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.
What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them the more english you get.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions. That is all.
What do you call semitic oompa-loompas? Orange Jews
gOOD JOKE Bug run up tree into butthole.
Chinese married a Chinese woman born baby blue eyes and blond hair, he called some thing wrong HAHAHAHA
What did quantum consciousness say to its son? Your awareness differentiates to the expansion of experiences and freedom impacts the expression of the phenomena in reality to quantum belonging.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?
I missed a call from a girl last night... I missed a call from a girl last night. I called her back, she said she must've butt dialed me. I said, "Maybe your butt knows what it wants."
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheelchair
I like my coffee like I like my women... ... ground up and in the freezer.
If someone writes "you are" I immediately assume that they don't understand the difference between you're/your and are playing it safe.
Want to hear a joke about paper pizza? Nevermind, it's tearribly cheesy.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them
When an intoxicated person is blabbering, 60% of whatever he/she says is true.
I've started handing out guns to large men at gay clubs. Just exercising my right to arm bears.
Whats the worst thing to hear when you have explosive diarrhea? "Are you ticklish?"
Did you hear about the husband... ..who loved his wife so much he almost told her?
Reddit is a lot like being married... You are free to express your opinion on anything you like but you will quickly be informed as to why you are wrong.
What is a java programmers favorite bird? A BlueJ
What did the prostitute say to the psychic? I don't do aural. You're welcome and I'll show myself out.
I love drinking wine. It's my Riesling for being.
What do you call a group of cows robbing a Skyscraper? A high-steaks mission.
The Credible Hulk. "You won't like me when I'm angry because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."
I'm all about fitness fit'ness whole burger into my mouth
A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day... ...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.
Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.
The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is... You're probably Australian
I got good news and bad news The bad news is there's no good news. The good news is... well I just told you. OR The good news is there's no bad news. The bad news is... well I just told you.
A girl walks into a bar and introduces herself.... She walks up to a guy at a bar and says "Hi, I'm Anita." He replies, "Anita this dick?"
a midget started a fight in... a mini-bar
what do you give to the god of shit? Sacrifeces
I was walking through the mall... I was walking through the mall, when I noticed this mannequin giving me a filthy look. I went over and decked the cunt and said "Fucking poser"
Why 21 didn't invite his brother for dinner? 28
Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans? Because you're breaking wind.
A carny invited me back to her place for a good time last night... She wasn't kidding, there were bumper cars, a ghost train and a mechanical bull. I had a blast!
When I die, I want to die like my Grandpa, in his sleep Not like his passengers, screaming in pain
What do you call a centipede with no legs An amputede
A man decides to give up his fancy lifestyle and moves to the wilderness to live with bears. He claims that he only needs the bear necessities.
All dick jokes are basically the same... They just vary in length
What do you call a pair of eyeglasses that questions its surroundings? Skepticles.
A mathematician was out with his friends.
[THIS IS NOT THE GENERIC CHICKEN JAYWALKING JOKE] Why did Adele cross the road? To say "Hello From The Other Side".
What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? ya'll watch this!
I'm watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I texted my girl saying who sang "Party Rock Anthem". She replied "LMFAO". I don't get what's so fucking funny?
Did you hear about the Olympic sprinter who got busted for steroids? Now he's out of the running.
"Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?" *sigh* "Because you don't b-" "BECAUSE WE DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU"
Did you hear about the 3 car pileup in Tijuana? 28 people died
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Let's go ride bikes!
Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!!
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
What's the difference between a soy bean and a chick pea? I've never had a soy bean all over my face.
Why did the train engineer go on a rampage? He had a loco-motive.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Colin
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.
Why do jihadists drink instant coffee? Because they hate the french press...
Hi. Everyone. I created a subreddit for topical news jokes. If you like Colbert, Letterman and Leno's opening monologues, come check it out. /r/newsjokes
I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-six year olds? [NSFW] There's 20 of them...
Aren't some of the methods used to kill people on death row... ...absolutely shocking
Did you know they were trying to ban MSG? It was called law 13 due to the fact that it abolished savory....I will show myself out.
To all the Moms: "Happy Mothers Day"! And to all the Dads: "Happy Sunday.. Mother FuKers"!!
son I heard u praying for grandma. look that's nice *clears throat* but daddy's tweets need prayers too. im in a RT dry spell right now, son
Why is 6 afraid of 7? racial prejudice
If a penis/vagina was asked to judge your appearance it would probably say.... Urinate
Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch 87% Musical Chairs
a serial killer that strangles victims with fruit by foot and eats the murder weapon afterwards
My joke will make you absolute value of zero lol
What do you call a gassy greek? A Fartin' Spartan
"If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you, son." --Jay-Z consoling his son who just started menstruating.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Why is Darth Vader's helmet so phallic? ...because when they hid Luke &amp; Leia from him, they removed his force kin.
Lif's too short
I wish there was a sarcasm font so people could read my humour and not be offended.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
A joke about airport security The TSA. This concludes the joke about airport security.
What did the Morman say when asked what kind of wives he wanted? "Brigham Young"
Professional liars Haven't done an honest days work in their life
I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.
want to hear a joke about pizza? nevermind... it's too cheesy
What's Adolf Hitler's favorite letter? Not z, that's for sure.
Men 1 Women 0 If women can do anything men can, how come they've never successfully suppressed an entire gender? Men 1 Women 0.....
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He won't come when you call.
The entire UK walks into a bar. Half of the people decided to leave, so they all had to go.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them And giving them back because they're driving you crazy
Knock Knock. Who's there? Dragon Ball Z. Dragon Ball Z Who? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z
"Paper or plastic?" I don't know. How can anyone really know? "Uhh-" I'm bagnostic
This is ridiculous: "www" contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is 'short' for, "world wide web."
I had a short prison sentence. ^that was it.
What di you call a snowman in may? A puddle!
Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocain during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don't like. Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
What do you call a female dog with a pH over 7? A basic bitch.
A horse walks into a shrink's office. The shrink says "Why the long penis? Er. Um. Face. Dammit!!"
What kind of noise annoys an oyster ?  A noisy noise annoys an oyster ! (Try saying that fast!)
What makes a USPS joke funny? The delivery.
That awesome moment when you comment and get more likes than a person who has tried to insult you in their status. Priceless.
[date] ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse HER: *sits down* see it's not hard to be complimentary ME: u mean complementary HER: *gets up*
What kind of laptop calls you a thousand times? A dell
Today, I'm going to give it my some.
What's the difference between having sex on two twin beds pushed together and Reganomics? You get fucked and fall through the cracks.
I (maybe?) came up with this joke today. What do you call a lost caveman? A meanderthal.
if someone wakes up from a twenty year coma, i hope the first thing they see when they turn on a TV is mike tyson petting his pigeons.
I like to squat down, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward. That's how I roll...
There was a documentary on TV about animal abuse. I felt lonely watching it by myself, so I made my dog watch it with me. Whether he wanted to or not.
[opening can of Russian Pringles] once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can] huh [inside that can is an even smaller can] wtf [in..
[dog wedding] [Bride throws bouquet into crowd] [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride] [Bride throws bouquet again] [Groom catches..
whats the difference between rush limbaugh and the hindenburg? ones a flaming bag of hot gas the other is a blimp
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I'd be like, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!"
dude told me he did a line with Emma Watson but I know he was lying - she's British, they call them "queues"
Why would you chase a waterfall? They don't move to different spots you know. It's pretty much just right there.
Hey, guy who contacts Batman with a spot light in the sky, pretty sure you can just text him now, it is 2012.
The fish never seem to bite when I go fishing. I guess I just don't have the right allure.
Asked my 3yo what she was thinking and she said "I wouldn't want to work at McDonald's bc you have to poop in the food before you serve it."
I'm intelligent but not "make good life choices" intelligent.
I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.
What's the difference between swine flu and avian flu? Bird flu needs tweet-ment and the swine flu needs oink-ment! Ha
Marry with that girl If a Girl says's :- I Don't like Shopping " !! . . . . . . . Then Marry Her !!...:D
They named a paint color after my ex... It's called *Whore Red*. It's not very bright, but its cheap and spreads easily.
What did the egg say when it was about to be hard boiled? It's gonna take a while to get me hard, because I just got laid by a chick!
What's the convention for big-breasted female clowns? Silly-Con
I saw a woman with no arms today... ...she was statuesque.
Brad Pitt might be "better looking" than me, but I am considerably fatter.
What's hit more balls than David Beckham's right foot? Elton John's chin.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
Whats black and white and red all over? A race war.
If athletes get athlete's foot then what  do astronauts get? Missile toe.
I'll have a Venti Vodka please.
What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable? Getting her back into the wheelchair.
that I like being lazy more...
Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Knock knock. Who's there? A black guy. "A black guy who?" "A black guy who doesn't pay his child support." "I'm sorry, you're going to have to be more specific than that."
How do you tell if a woman is a feminist? She'll tell you within five minutes.
I need a "your penis is so ugly..." Joke yep, thats what i need
Some guy in a in a wheelchair stole my camo jacket He can hide but he can't run.
Is Google male or female? Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Metapod really loves eating Margarine on his pokefood. Since its butterfree.
Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......
Who was the most racist president? Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.
Her: I'm thinking of a number between 1 an- Me: 69! Her: ...10. Me: Her: Me: 6.9?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Why does the rabbit hide Easter eggs? Because he is ashamed of fucking the chicken.
Want to play the rape game? said Guy. "No" said Girl. "That's the spirit!" said Guy. Girl is now screwed.
I hate pebbles! They are a bitch
What's the opposite of marshmellow? Well, I guess it would be marshmadness
I'm giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
Scroll no further, as it only get worse from here...
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Ah dam!
What's the difference between a 2016 Reddit post and a 2006 Reddit post? [Removed]
How did Jesus stay in shape? Crossfit
Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said you were leaving at 4:00.    Sincerely,   The Unicorns
I almost hit a bunny but then i missed it by a hare.
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Domestic Violence 1/10 10/10 with Ray Rice
Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips.
Hey Southpaw, going to lunch? Of course, I also have the right ...
Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service... and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"
Gf: What's the dog eating? Me: Piece of hotdog. Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Did you get that????? Unscramble these words! 1.) PNEIS 2.) HTIELR 3.) NGGERI 4.) BUTTSXE Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXT?
What do you call a cow masterbating? Beef stroking off
Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things? Me: Yes, I am. Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.
How can you tell there are two elephants in your fridge? You have to put the partly-eaten dismembered body of your infant daughter in the freezer instead.
Hey, the army. Camouflage your helicopters blue, not green. You're fucking welcome.
Imagine getting the girl of your dreams phone number and her first text to you she spells it "definately"
My wife and I decided we don't want children... ...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress. Other times I think you need a better home security system
What is the best way to hunt bear?  With your clothes off
How to do fit ten popes in a vw bug? Tell them to take off their hats
I went to the canary islands ... and believe it or not, I didn't see any canaries. I also went to the virgin islands, and believe it or not, I didn't see any canaries there either.
Harry Potter joke Q. Why can't Snape teach Herbology? A. He can't keep the lilies alive.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone's numbers again, I text them: "Guess who?" for 2  weeks.
A Dumb blonde is pulled over by a cop... He says: You were going 95km/h. The dumb blonde responds: but I haven't been driving for an hour.
Who is the best player on the Texans? Watt WHO IS THE BEST PLAYER ON THE TEXANS? Watt **WHO IS THE BEST PLAYER ON THE TEXANS?**
How is prison like quidditch? The game ends when they catch the snitch
Why shouldn't you shower with a Pokemon? It might Pikachu.
The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.
What do you call a blind German? A 'not-see'.
If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?
What is an engineer's favorite Halloween candy? Dork chocolate
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?" I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!". Edit: grammar
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads? Because they're headcases.
"Ben Carson makes stuff up" said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
How do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, line it with peas and fill it with ashes. That way when the elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
My couch has gotten so much ass today.
What did the butter say to the jam? We're on a roll now!!!
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.
If I learned anything about politics from this election It's that politics isn't about the ass you kiss but the pussy you grab
Sober Irishman
I was having an argument with my deaf wife. All women are the same, they don't listen.
Calling someone "exotic looking" is a polite way to say, "I might be a little bit racist but I'd love to see you naked."
What's a thief's favorite type of armour? Steel armour
On my tax form I checked the single box but added "and looking".
Why was the clown kicked out of the maths lesson? Because he kept throwing his pi in other peoples faces!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt? ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here
I love when couples get sick together because that's what people deserve for being happy.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Where does a dog go to buy shoes? Reebark
"It's not you, it's me. And me. And me! And me. And me." - schizophrenic break up
What if reddit had a currency? Would they be called creddits? (   )
Just got back from seeing a chiropractor that guy cracks me up
What kind of fish is funny, beautiful and a good role model for young women? Tuna Fey.
I've never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My fourth grade teacher told me I would use cursive at least once a week, but she was wrong. I use it every day when food is delivered to my house.
I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the most ignorant country in the world Personally, I think Europe is the most ignorant country in the world.
Where's the best place to find a dog with no legs? Where you left it
Why don't astronauts get hungry after being  blasted into space? Because they've just had a big launch.
What does mosquito say when its parents die? shhhhhh.....it !!
I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets.
Two Jews walk into a bar... Midget Hitler laughs and walks under it.
(NSFW) Whats cute, red, bubbly, and likes to scratch at windows. a baby in a microwave
Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail? Because time was always running out.
The first Annie was a ginger top. Now we have a black Annie. What's next? A young feminist orphan Annie?
*at adoption center* "Okay yeah they're all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that"
What's the difference between a fish market and Nicki Minaj? One has halibut and one has hella butt.
I've been on Ashley Madison for over a year now. About time I got fucked.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
What's the difference between a smoker and a crossfitter? Most smokers know and acknowledge the fact that they're slowly killing themsleves.
Where does the Islamic botanist go to pray? In the Mossque.
Why didnt the mole make it to the stripclub? He was slow as molasses.
I always think of doing things for charity. Then, I get back from making a sandwich and I see there are 43 new tweets. Sorry, starving kids!
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Ever had Ethiopian food? Well, neither have they! Seriously though, donate if you can. https://donate.feedthechildren.org
Just been chatting on Skype to a young lady who lives in Wales, she's asked me to come and visit her...this weekend I'm off to Bangor.
What do my jokes have in common with toilet paper? They're both tearable.
Your house is too dirty if you see bugs with little suitcases leaving it.
Him: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants. Me: I'd be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I left my girlfriend because she lost an ear It may sound shallow but I take my corn seriously
What do couch potatoes evolve into? Computer chips.
The cops raided our house and set off my epilepsy... Talk about a search and seizure
Muffins - for people who don't have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
(nsfw) What do pimples and catholic priests have in common? They both start coming on boys' faces around age 13.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"
What did the West African boy eat for breakfast? Ebola oatmeal...
I tried to use "MyDick" as my Netflix password... ...Netflix told me "not long enough."
What do you call a fear of deadly snakes? Common sense.
Hey baby, have you got a time machine? Cuz' I could go back in time to approach you with a better pickup line than this one
I like my coffee like I like my butt hole... Without a penis in it.
If Mr. Bean lost one of his legs he'd be cannellini!
did Darwin predict butterflies would then evolve into tattoos?
Q: How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to start screwing it in and the rest to vote 'em off the ladder.
Yo mama mouth so big she speaks in surround sound.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped. Her: I can hear you. Me: she could hear me
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They're always like "Hey man we're over here you don't even know those people."
"Mommy, Mommy - I hate walking around in circles!" "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor..."
Good Grammar is the Difference... ...between * Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and * Helping your Uncle jack off a horse
How many Mexicans does it take to replace a serviceable part of a complex machine? Just Juan and Emmanuel.
When I'm having a shitty day sometimes I go to WalMart and just smile and show off my teeth.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, "Stairs".
Is it considered sexual assault to masturbate while cyber bullying? If so, I owe a pretty heartfelt apology to some members of PlaystationNetwork.
What do you call a heard of sperm whales? Bukkake.
My doc said that I should stop smoking and drinking immediately. What does he care what I'm doing in the waiting room?
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My wife has the body of a porn star... ..which is kind of creepy and takes up a lot of room in the fridge.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a hippie slut? The washing machine doesn't still want you after you make it spun and put a load in it.
I created a new word today. Plagiarism.
When a clock is hungry... ...it goes back four seconds.
Did you hear the one about the woman who went on a fishing trip with 7 guys... ...and came home with a big red snapper?
I went to McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries" The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party? You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!
I'm just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day...it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you're talking to drugs, you're probably already on drugs.
Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper facial hair from my father... why couldn't i be more like my mom?
At what point does CPR become necrophilia? When you both get hard.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It's exciting! Him: What's that? M: um, well, it's an imaginary trophy... H: well then I'm imaginary proud of you.
What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation? A waggin'
What does Ronald Reagan have that Jimmy Carter doesn't? A widow.
Left handed people can't do anything right. That... that's it. That's the joke. You don't get it? Then you're probably left handed.
Inlaws.. What is the difference between a inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What does a Cannon and Canon have in common? They both kill ships.
*lays in bed* "Did I leave the oven on? When's the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure"
How do you best serve burned food? Coal'd.
Why do people prefer shooting stars to vegetables? Because they're meteor
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would've paid to see that.
Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.
What's round and hard and full of acidic semen? A Jewish submarine.
Is it normal for a doctor who sees your penis to yell "MAGNIFICENT!" --it's not, right?
Even Al Qaeda is like "These ISIS guys are a bit much no?"
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? The hell if I know...
A prisoner said to me today "Boss, I think my cellmate is a fag" "cos he closes his eyes when i kiss him goodnight"
I put a couple of t's in my beer last night. I think it made it better.
I was going to tell a gay joke... butt fuck it.
I decided to read War and Peace whilst walking over the Golden-Gate, I'd heard the abridged version was easier to finish.
"why do they have such a nice house?" -- my review of every movie
I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you.
Confucius says: Man who run behind car will get exhausted but man who runs in front of car will get tyred.
I hate it when my kid says, "But mom, it was an accident!" Yeah? Well so were you, but I still have to take responsibility for you...
What's the difference between a book and a Mexican? A book has papers.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One makes your whole day the other makes your hole weak!
I want to tattoo "platform 9 and 3/4" over my ass 'cause you wouldn't think you'd get in there but you can Edit:words
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, "Who else would I cheat on?"
I'm a grammar nazi. I'm also a regular nazi, but that's a different story.
What do you call a 100 year old frog? - What do you call a 100 year old frog? - An old croak! By: http://fun.fopii.com/
Why do they call P.M.S , P.M.S ? Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.
What is Superman's favorite thing to eat for breakfast? A Bag-El
why did the chicken cross the road 69 ahhahaaha
What do you call a man with erectile dysfunction? Doesn't matter, he won't come
My dog's favorite movie is 50 Shades of Grey... because the sex is rrruff.
Where's the most dangerous place to go  trick-or-treating? On the psycho path!
What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen? Don't ask her out again.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work
If a mentally challenged person shows up late Is it ok to call him tardy?
Did you know there is one colour that can time travel? It can only go to the fuchsia.
"Okay class, today we are going on a trip... *hands out acid*
Limericks : Think this needs tweaking... There was a young man from Constantinople Whose limericks didn't always rhyme They finished too short.
Whenever I see a teenager, I can't help thinking" holy shit" was I really THAT fucking stupid once?
Why are parents boring? Because they're groan-ups.
There's no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
What do you call a dinosaur with a super high automobile insurance premium? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
I tried to fix my shovel today, but I just couldn't handle it.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That's my dog. My dog does that.
Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Ok. The boy fell in the mud. Ready for a clean joke? Yeah. He took a bath.
My Mexican friend is so indecisive He's always on the fence
What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick abortion.
What do you call a black man when he is sitting in the cockpit controlling an airplane? A pilot you racist!
What's the difference between a Triscuit and a Lesbian?? One is a Snack Cracker and the other is a Crack Snacker!!
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.
I just got laid. But don't worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.
Hillary Clinton and the Email Hillary: "At least I, unlike Lindsay Graham, USE email! &lt;drops mic&gt;
Do you want to play a Russian drinking game? It's simple. If you see a Malaysian Airlines jet in the sky, take a shot.
Mom: Sorry, I won't be able to come in today. My son's got stuck in the washing machine. Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he? Mom: 27
Why does the hobo only drink coffee? Because he has no proper tea! Hehehhehahahahhhehveahhs
I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.
[Date] Me: tell me about yourself Her: I'm really vegan Me: oh no Her: and I have a kid Me: oh no Her: his name is Kale Me: ohhh noo
A midget went to visit the doctors There was a long wait and the nurse said "you're going to have to be a little patient"
What does the bride of a Russian man get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
This 5p bag tax is great I can get a 10bag for 50p
Why is Beyonce a Jew? Because she's a survivor.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said "You're not hot!" Actually it was a cop &he said "Here's your ticket. Have a nice evening."
So I was at the club They played crank that, and I did the Superman. They played the Cupid shuffle, so I did the Cupid shuffle. They played Come on Eileen, and I got kicked out of the club.
What is it called when Venom snake gets spotted doing something bad? Getting caught red handed!
[cool person follows me] me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it's only good tweets from here me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
So I went to a production about puns today... ...it was basically just a play, on words.
Apple are finally allowing porn on the itunes store now there's a fap for that
Beach people are fickle. One minute you're the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they're terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
We act like we're too cool for "brand loyalty" but if someone says they *bing'd* something, we beat them to death in the street.
I tried to open a .SJW file but it said I lacked the "Correct" privileges.
My friend said to me "I don't understand why all smokers don't just vaporize?" ... "A little harsh don't ya think?" I replied.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis, tiny little knotziz
My wife asked me about the movie "From Hell" &amp; I described it as a movie about Jack the Ripper, starring Johnny the Depp.
How many homeless people does it take to screw a light bulb? does anyone know of any good jokes about homeless people.?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
What does a Jewish guy say when he's making eggs? I-fry-em
What Sea said to the beach... Nothing it only wave
My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself. I think she's pozest.
The Boston snowstorm so was bad the Canadians reported on it. They called it Tuesday.
I was going to make my friend some spaghetti made from milk protein... But sadly he pasta whey.
What do you call an accountant without a  spreadsheet? Lost
Knowing its International Women's Day is the only thing I know about women.
You've just got to see the fan exhibition It blew me away
How do you make a faggot have sex with a woman? Shit in her cunt.
I've been trying to sell my child to any house that will take her. I'm a daughter door salesman.
I've been dating a homeless girl So I've been dating this homeless girl. Things are getting pretty serious. She asked me to move out with her.
What do you call a clean, good looking well behaved monster? a failure!
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, and Grub. Trumpton is on.
What will a monster eat in a restaurant?  The waiter.
How did girls text before emojis? Hey I can't wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
How do farmers find their sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying!!
What's a pedophile's favorite writer? dickinson. ^^^sorry.
Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses. 5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas
Why did the hillbilly cross the road? His dick was in the chicken
What do toilets and humans have in common? You can give them as much crap as you want, but when push comes to shove, bleach makes everything better again.
What diagnosis did the veterinarian give to the dog with the funny walk? The dog has cerebral pawlsy.
Nice try, dogs who wear "Please Don't Pet Me, I'm Working" vests.
nuance is cancelled. ur either good or bad. if ur good but then u say something bad, then ur bad now n therefore cancelled
Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force. NO YOU GET A LIFE.
Just the punchline... ...So then he says, "But wait officer, you can't arrest me! I was only half-hard!"
For as long as that song was, you'd think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once...
What is a cat's favorite vacation spot? Maui.
Our perfume store is finally going out of business... I guess it just makes scents.Nobody nose about us.
So I was talking to this dolphin the other day. It was so gnar
I wanted to make a joke about the new Call of Duty... ...but there are already infinite of them So here's a Battlefield one instead
I'm getting my wife a new bag and belt for our anniversary She will finally be able to vacuum again.
What did the male robot say to the female robot? 1100011010000010001000100101011101111100001011101001101000110011010110100000000110001001101011000001
An Irishman walks into a bar Every night and then he stays there until it closes.
A blind man walks into a bar.. And a table. And a chair.
If I was a drunk superhero, I'm pretty sure I'd be "I Love You Man"
Two corn muffins were in the oven baking. One turns to the other and says "man it's HOT in here" the other corn muffin replies... AAAAHAHHHAHAHAHHaaaaa A TALKING CORN MUFFIN!!!!!!!
"This team looks good," said my son of the somewhat browner soccer team who were not yet playing soccer. #racist
Why can't pirates finish the alphabet? because they get lost at C!
LPT: If a sexy hot girl adds you on Facebook... REJECT HIM!!!
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 mins later: "Computer completely fucked now."
Jewish having a hard time concentrating Go join a concentration camp
What is that thing on top of a helicopter? A fan. The moment the thing is turned off, the people inside start sweating.
People that cut others off while talking should go to jail. But only serve half their sentence.
How can you tell elephants love to travel ? They are always packing their trunk !
[at aquarium] That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank. "Octopi" Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Whats the difference between my wife when we have sex and my hand when I masturbate? My hand moves.
So what goes around comes around eh? Try saying that to my belt
Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps
What do you call a bench full of white people? The NBA.
What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.
When 2016 has to kill one more thing Mariah Carey's career
classical music sounds really fancy and proper for something composed by guys who threw a bucket of their turds out the window every morning
On their 30th anniversary Patty turns to Mary, tears in his eyes, and says Mary, you've added so much texture to my life... it's been rough.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam
how come paul simon gets all the first names and art garfunkel just gets random words
If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Knock knock. Who's there? Gettuda. Gettuda who? Gettuda choppa!
Lance Armstrong I hear Lance Armstrong was doping to win the Tour de France again this year.
What do you get when you cross an orchard with a concentration camp? apple juice
What did the middle eastern man say to his marijuana enthusiast wife? Stoner!
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ......All of it.
I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky "cut the cheese" at least 50 times.
I overheard an extremely perverted frog at the pond yesterday. Kept saying "rubbit"
I think i'm lactose intolerant I've had 6 milkshakes today and feel like crap.
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to  dress up for Halloween.
Me: Oh yeah, baby. Tie me up and put a blindfold on me...Grrrr. Him: Erm...I'm only here to rob the bank...and I have a boyfriend.
What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven C's
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
whats an english man favourite breakfast cereal Cherry Oh's
There's a easter parade in my pants...wanna go?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don't eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
What does a walrus and tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal
This was the funniest joke in the world when I was five. why did the chicken cross the road roll in the dirt and cross the road again? because he was a dirty double crosser!
My friend drove into a tree earlier... I wonder if he's oaky
My girlfriend, concerned, asked me if I'm an alcoholic. I said "Of course not sweetie." "Alcoholics go to meetings."
Been a while since I've gone on Spring Break. How many wet T-shirts should I pack?
Coldplay have been arrested. They played "Clocks".
Like every good global citizen I've reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they're on vacation
Redneck Divorce (Oh Boy) How is a redneck divorce like a hurricane in Florida? Either way you lose the trailer!
Look at me! I'm a morning person! Let's work out! Get worms! Drive garbage trucks! Use exclamation points!
What do porn stars have and comedians are? Professional Assholes.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
What did the viola say to her daughter before crossing the street? You better C^ or you'll B^
People with egg avatars are the extras having silent conversations that no one pays attention to.
If someone steals my lunch from the fridge at work, I get on the office PA system and do the Liam Neeson speech from Taken.
Why do pencils shave? To look sharp. &amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; Credit: 3rd grade me.
Soooo.... I was fucking this guy in the ass and I went for a reach around and the faggot had a boner
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sandwich.
If I had a dollar for every gender... I'd have $2 and some monopoly money...
Not really a joke Girl dyed her hair red, I asked "does the carpet match the drapes? She said, no; "Waxed hardwood floor"
I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that's not a professional wrestler.
If it's a boy, I'm naming him after my father, Anonymous.
94% of my workout regimen is reading things online that make me so angry I shake
On the street a person has a heart attack. Someone shouts: - Is there a doctor? Vegan: - I am a vegan.
Why did Olly call the manager for help, outside the store? For the watch..
What does Uncle Vernon from Harry Potter not do on Reddit? Post on Sundays.
So a blind girl was giving me a hand job last night... She said I was the biggest she's ever felt, I said "Nah girl, you're just pulling my leg."
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket... Could some say you are, independent? :D (Don't look at me like that. You smirked, at least. haha!)
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be... ...I'd still be below average.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down? IT GETS TOAD!
My dad went to jail this morning... Because he's the jail doctor.
Where can you find a black Jew? In the back of the oven.
*horror movie "The calls are coming from inside the house!" "Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I'm too lazy to get up."
Why are orphans bad at poker? Because they don't know what a full house is
What happens when The Past, Present, and Future walk in to a bar? It becomes very tense.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, "Sarah Connor?".
What does a Super Star Destroyer wear to a formal occasion? A bow T.I.E.
"I'll teach you the gropes." -perverted mentor
A Jewish boy asks his dad for $50 His dad then asks, "$30? What do you need $20 for?!?"
My new favorite drink at the bar. It's called the Paul Walker. It's an irish car bomb followed by a shot of fireball.
What is heavy forward but not backward? **ton**
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
Deathbed confession Me: We're bankrupt Him: What? How? Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Why did all of the frog guidance counselor's students become construction workers? The only advice he could give them was "rivet, rivet."
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover 'See I told you he was  stupid'
Why did the Bee get married? Because she found her honey!
fyi it turns out you CAN get kicked out of Jimmy John's for calling the sprouts "vegetable sperms" live and learn I guess
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
A three-legged dog walks into an old-timey saloon "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw." (I know it's old but I'm feeling really down and this joke cheers me up.)
A wizard walks in to a gay bar.. And disappears with a poof!
Why wasn't drinking permitted on the Oregon trail? It was important not to fall off the wagon.
Mom, I'm sleeping wit the neighbour -That's unacceptable young lady! He could be your Dad! -But Mom, you don't understand. Age doesn't matter for true love! -I didn't say anything about age ...
I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.
Why wasn't the cat moving? It was on paws
"I can't wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My girlfriend told me I should grow a beard. If I wanted hair on my face, I would go down on her.
GRADUATION TIP: Don't graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can't make you leave if they can't find you!
What's the biggest sign she's just not into you? a restraining order.
What's do call a masrbating cow? Beef stroganoff...
What does an Australian chemist call is bro? Bromate Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong
How many French horn players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 100, 1 to screw it in and 99 to say how they could do it better.
[posing for mugshot] "now turn forward" [flash] lemme see
Getting mail addressed to "Current Resident" is the sales equivalent of a guy group texting "You free tonight?" to every girl in his phone.
I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!
Whenever I Get in Trouble My Back Hurts I guess I have scold-iosis
Encyclopedias are just ghetto Google.
Faving a tweet = Quietly having sex with someone. RTing a tweet = Introducing the person to your friends.
A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "What do you have on tap?" He replies, "Anheuser-Busch" She says, "Just fine. How's your penis?"
I'm tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!
How do you make a dead baby float? 2 scoops vanilla, 1 scoop dead baby.
What do you get if you cross a plum with a man eating monster? A purple people eater.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.
I think I'm a genius.... I just solved a rubiks cube so fast! It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
"I'm $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
How do you know if you're at a gay barbecue? The hotdogs taste like shit.
Why is Jesus bad at hockey? He always gets nailed to the boards.
What did the werewolf say when he got shot with a silver bullet? Oooooooowwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooo. He howled while saying ow pretty much
When kids don't want to take a nap, can they be charged with resisting a rest?
What did the tailpipe say to the muffler? I'm exhausted. What did the muffler say back? ^mmmmbfmbm
How do you kill a troll? Take away its internet access.
How does a Trumpie become a smooth talker? Takes a laxative.
How to use eyeliner: 1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids 2. Oops too thick, try to even them out 3. Colour your whole face in
"Dear Gillette, 5 blades on the Fusion is enough, chill out." -Seal
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it's the next big thing.
What is the difference between jelly and jam? [NSFW?] What is the difference between jelly and jam? *I can't jelly my dick up your ass.*
We need to start investing more in solar energy But it's not just going to happen overnight
*places empty liquor bottle on shelf for display* I'm An Animal Now Everyone. I Decorate With Trash. Literally An Animal
What type of blood does a keyboard have? Typo.
Why are porn stars so good at studying for tests? Because they have photographic mammaries!
Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party? Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding
Teacher: What is the unit of energy? Students: Yes!
What will the sequel to Lake Placid that takes place 50 years later be called? Lake Flaccid
Sex is like playing a game of Bridge... If you don't have a good a partner, then you better have a good hand.
What do call an Asian person who sucks at jokes ? Obvious-lee
How much does a pirate pay for corn? Buccaneer.
I don't understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They're probably just underwater.
There are 10 types of people Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect a teritary joke.
Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I'd be pissed
Mike Tyson caught experimenting with Methamphetamines... He exclaims, "I was just mething around!"
My mailman got gender reassignment surgery. Now he's a post man
What do you get when you cross a cartoon character and a Communist? Mickey Mao.
I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture. It'll be the best around, Bar None.
How do we fix boxing? We can't. It's already fixed.
Why couldn't the infant insect without toes drink milk? He was lack toes and toddler ant
Injured myself dancing last night but fortunately I'm eligible for Twerkman's Comp.
What do you call a singing computer? A Dell.
I didn't realise how lonely I was... I didn't realise how lonely I was, until I decided my favourite sexual position was right-handed.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hairy balls because hair does not grow on steel.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
What is the difference between memory and ram? I can't memory my weiner in your mouth.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If you're one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Pitbull, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat.
First thing heard on the news: "You're gonna be wet by this time tomorrow morning". Kinda looking forward to Tuesday now
Did you guys hear about the dry erase board It's remarkable
To the idiots who say ghosts aren't real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Putting my grades up for adoption... Because I can't raise them.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like "we clean our bathrooms now."
Life's too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Websites that are similar to Reddit.
Cop: Know why I stopped you? "You heard the song I was playing?" Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM "ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE"
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I'm suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
There are two types of people in the world: those who need closure
I asked my Dad, "Dad, what did you want to do when you were my age?" "Your mom's sister."
Think about it! You're already thinking about it, you might as well do it.
What does an egg say when it's drunk? Omelette
Why is Canada the part of the Illuminati? Because they have 3 ehs in the name. C-eh-N-eh-D-eh
I'm what the kids call shitpost
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow? Give her a shovel.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
This guy. This guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes outta no where.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people. But none of them work
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who understand binary, and those who do not.
Woozy woman comes up "OMG I'm-I'm gonna faint!" "Go ahead, knock yourself out"
[NSFW] Why was the Pedophile depressed? Because he couldn't fit in
The GOP should be like a good hand in Bridge No Trump
Hedgehogs... Why can't they just share the damn hedge?!
What does a condom and a wife have in common? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "Dam."
Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.
Did you hear about the house built by lesbians? There's no studs, just tongue and groove.
How does a lawyer name their kids? Bill and Sue
It's like squirrels don't even know how good they'd be at parkour.
[on quiz show] "and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?" *leans way too close into the microphone* spend it alex
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she's standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I'm good.
Why did God create Adam before he created Eve? So no one would tell him how to make Adam.
Bjork Q: What does Bjork do when she's horny? A: She watches pjorn.
"Alright, now who's ready to fuck and get some fiber?!" - Keynote Speaker at the 'Fuck 'N Fiber' Convention
I saw an entire family with huge butts I guess you can say It's in their genes
Not only is my short-term memory horrible... So is my short-term memory.
If u stand in the pouring grain.... Your gonna get all wheat!
What is worse than ants in your pants? ......... Uncles.
A man walks into a bar. He goes "I really shouldn't be walking through a building site" and leaves.
I have the Emergency Alert Warning sound set as the ringtone for when my wife calls.
The weather data was unclear.
wife: What's wrong? me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn't give me any brown crayons] Nothing
"Why's everyone so afraid of clowns?" Well.. You know what they say about big feet.
Some say the quickest way to mans heart is food. As an experienced heart surgeon, I disagree... It's sex.
Hot girls who complain that you can't get laid... do you live on a deserted island?
To avoid butterflies in your stomach, don't eat caterpillars.
My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."
Say no to drugs. Although if you're talking to drugs you may already be on drugs.
Anti Jokes How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? To get to the other side!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge? Martin Loofah King
how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don't have any tattoos.
Why did the farmer's bucket keep singing songs? Because it was haulin' oats.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."
What's a Saudis favourite drink? Milk sheikh
I am a master of tearable puns But only on paper
I HAD A PANIC ROOM INSTALLED AND THEN I CAME IN AND NOW I'M TERRIFIED TO LEAVE OMG WHY DID I DO THIS?!
If you're Italian in the kitchen and Russian in the hallway what are you in the bathroom? European.
Did you guys hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.
What do you call a Pho restaurant run by 9 Japanese chefs? Pho Kyuu EDIT: No one understands how to pronounce "Pho". ;_;
What do you call a scary unexpected post in reddit? A Dreddit!
What's common between Marriage &amp; a Port-a-potty? There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.
Get a slab of bread dough. Wrap dental floss around it. Congratulations, you've seen me naked.
My friend said he wanted to float at the top of the troposphere.... I said "You can't be cirrus."
Guess who I ran into when I went to get my glasses. Everybody
What do Lumber jacks do in China? Chop sticks!
The Wikipedia entry for 'Toe Injury' is a stub.
I bought a new pair of polarizing sunglasses and was asking my friends what they thought of them. They seemed to either love them or hate them.
having sex for pleasure Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.
Honey, I just won the lottery! -- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases! -- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing? -- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1 to hold the bulb in place and 100 to spin the house around it.
With Christmas just around the corner, what's your favourite christmas themed joke?
Why doesn't Saran Wrap have any friends? Because it sticks to itself.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Told my friends I couldn't make it to happy hour. Didn't tell them it's because I want to sit around sans pants and eat cheese for a while.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Why are fish always on drugs? They just keep getting hooked.
Why did the chemist break his teeth? He ate a Pb and j sandwich I'd tell you another but all the good jokes argon
Your Mom is like Planet 9... very distant from the sun
So my brother tried the old saw about calculus and alcohol not mixing... i.e., don't drink and derive. I said, "It's true. I tried it and destroyed a bridge."
Why did the golfer wear two pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
[in Starbucks] "It's Ian with one i". "We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye".
There are some things Black people can't really say... Like, "Skinny Macchiato" Or, "Too-da-loo" And, "Thank you for your help, Officer."
What is the difference between a vacuum and a snowboarder? How you strap on the dirtbag.
When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.
Is this sub Reddit dead? There have barely been any decent posts all year!
"I sit on my ass looking at the web all day."  a spider
Was watching family feud, I don't think The announcer was N'SYNC
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I've no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I'll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Learning from your own mistakes is the biggest mistake you can make. Carefully observe the stupidity of others and learn from theirs instead
What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire
What did the optometrist give Helium? A pair of noble glasses
Joey the marsupial applied for a job to eat eucalyptus leaves all day. However, he was declined due to his lack of koalafications.
What do You Call Someone Who Self Harms In The Antarctica? An eskemo.....
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 5 billion dollaers???
Nice try government. But I'm not taking you back until I know where you've been for the last two weeks.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn't mean you can order before me
Why don't they use Macs/iPads in hospitals? Because using an Apple a day keeps the doctors away.
I get a little too excited when I hear the sound of sizzling fajitas go by.
"When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you're dead." - Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I've been arrested for robbing a bank dressed as a frog. It's the first time I've ever kermitted a crime.
Descriptivism is the right way of managing the English language, irregardless of what you think.
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar? She heard drinks were on the house.
"To each their own" Translation ~ one of us is right, and well... the other one is you.
Girl you are like a fine oriental rug... ...you'd look great on hardwood.
"Hey, what time is it?" 9:11
How does a Bee get to work? He catches a buzz.
Maybe snakes are always angry cause they don't have arms to hug with :(
I've satisfied every waitress I've met... With just the tip
A Texan says to a Harvard student... Texan: where are ya from? Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions. Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, jackass?
So I was at Ikea the other day and bought a hot dog. The weird thing is, I had to put it together myself. And when I was finished, there were all these parts left over.
I have earned 800.25 as a male prostitute Too bad each of them paid 0.25
It's Thanksgiving week in the U.S., but all I'm hearing is... ...everyone's Russian to get Turkey.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn't know why she was mad at me.
I'm in one of those moods that only a virgin sacrifice will appease.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegtable? The wheelchair.
It's cool how when people tell us about their dreams that were the weirdest/most beautiful thing they've ever seen we're like "UGH BORING"
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you."
If I had a dog, I'd name it Syndrome. I'd teach it to jump up on people just so I could shout "Down, Syndrome!"
Say what you want about Donald Trump... ...While you still can...
I'd get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I think my Spanish girlfriend is cheating on me She keeps talking about this "great" guy names Jesus
So if Valentine's Day is for couples, then the other 364 days are for me, right?
Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife. Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.
Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
Me: I'll have a Dr.Pepper. Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok? Me: Is he a doctor?
What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? "...Would you like fries with that?"
What do my relationships and fat people have in common? They never work out.
*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* *panics* OMG WHAT'S THAT NOISE? *son walks in with powered toothbrush* *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* thank GOD.
My mum's bf hates when I shorten his name to 'Dick'. Mainly because his name is Matthew.
The best thing about time machines ... ... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.
when it comes to birth control, an ounce of prevention is worth about 6 and a half pounds of cure This should be here instead of r/funny
Furniture stores keep the guy who voices their commercials in a windowless room full of cocaine.
How do skeletons communicate? A cell bone. *just got it off a popsicle.
The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I'm cured.
Where are all the women in amateur astronomy? At the other end of the telescope.
You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale.
I'm an atheist but if lightning struck Trump during his victory speech I'd become a monk.
The easiest way to create a feeling a suspense. ...
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
When I was a kid we were so poor... If I didn't wake up at christmas with a hard-on I'd have nothing to play with.
What is brown and sticky? a stick
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
I like my coffee like I like my women. Without a dick.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
There's a new app for people recovering from bad dates. Anyone ever tried *Cinder*?
What is the difference between the USA and USB? One connects to all your devices &amp; accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
IPhone 7 headphone jack [removed]
What dog sweats the most and drinks the most  water? A hot-weiler!
Why should't old people eat healthy? They need all the preservatives they can get.
A ninja is like a fart They are both silent, but deadly.
I wish I hadn't bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I've never used the dust pan I once bought... It's been collecting dust in the closet for years.
What is the difference between a sock and a camera? A sock takes five toes and a camera takes photos.
"Is it a stupid question to ask how many parks there are in New York?" It's not a stupid question. It's actually quite difficult to count, as more and more Koreans are moving here every day...
Jan 1st, 2017: I'm finally going to start learning guitar. haha only kidding I'll probably just ride out my current interests until I die.
"I'm both fucking people, Lois! Honestly, how do you have a job or even tie your shoes?!" -Clark Kent
A Batman Joke for Indians - What do you call Batman without a soul? Bn. (B "atma" n)
Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.
Why do so many lunatics have ear infections? Because they're ear-rash-ional.
how to perform artificial insemination in mexico about 10 guys jack off onto the floor, and then they let the flies do the rest.
R.I.P. Prince We have truly lost a symbol.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
It's not manslaughter if they chew with their mouth open.
What do you call a Warriors fan that complains about the refs? A retarded bandwagoner
Black and white... I've just woken up with black and white squares all over my face. I'll have to get this checked.
Sleepy pilot What did the tired pilot say to his crew? I think I'm gonna crash
I was with a girl last night who told me she wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.
What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater? This is the most violent thing I've ever read.
[touching face upon receiving compliment] Glad you like it. But, it's not a teardrop tattoo. It's an Oxford comma.
I have a step-stool because I never knew my real stool ^
What does the Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingon's
My first girlfriend, a beautiful blonde woman, left me after the first date She asked me what was my hobby and I said penetration testing
Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them
Nobody wants to see your Ice Bucket Challenge video. Good talk.
I masturbate with soap Just thought I'd come clean.
[aquarium] *penguin strapped on my back* Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back? No, it's just a backpack. Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?! um, fish
A friend of mine sold an old rifle he inherited from his German grandfather. The ad says: "French-made rifle. From WW2. Never used. Only dropped once."
sisters take a selfie crank http://grabfile.co/189159
Why is Paul Walker and Rihannas new song the same? They both went up in flames.
Heard about the baby seal who walked into a club? ba doom doom cha!
What would you call a Pokemon Trainer if they were Jewish? Ashe.
scorpin and subzero walk into a bar the bar gets hot from scorpin and cold from subzero!!
How much does wonton soup weigh? One ton, but I don't know anyone that'd wantonly order it.
Where do gay midgets come out from? The cabinet.
Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans? If he ate one more, it would be too farty!
Who makes the best Astronauts? Team Rocket since they're always blasting off.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I just came up with a long UDP joke But it's not really worth typing out here. You guys probably wouldn't even get it.
What's harder than rocket science? My dick.
Its the little things that bring the most joy - Like sneaking a home pregnancy test in the shopping cart of a mom/daughter combo & observing
After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got an email stating, " It was a pressure meeting you"
I met my statistics teacher at the store today... What are the odds!
What is the name of a bag pipe band that likes to play while jumping on squares? hopscotts.
I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
Why do teenage girls always hang out in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
Why can't you starve in a desert? Because of all the sand which is there.
Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he's "cool," but when I do I'm "lying"
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape? Elephant grape sine theta
Where do fat people live? (no offense meant) Original joke by me... Where do fat people live? ... ... ... in Obe-city.
Back in my day invincibility cheats used to be called God Mode. 90 kid's will understand.
How many FIFA officials does it take to change a light bulb? **None**. They operate in the **dark**.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They can go through 110 stories in five seconds.
Why did two owls get arrested for the same crime? They were in ca*hoots*.
Gay Bartender What did the gay bartender say to his new customer? "Want me to help push in your stool?"
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
I built a staircase using an online tutorial! When I finished I thought something looked wrong so I went back to look at the instructions. I missed a step.
Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
Mortgage Dream The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today's young families is to get one.
I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don't play.
What side of the road do they drive on in ireland? None. They're so drunk and violent no one is allowed to drive.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Cause I put on the wrong sock this morning
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
cucumber and potato. What the potato said to the cucumber? - Hi, How are you? What the cucumber answered? - OH MY GOD!!! A TALKING POTATO!!!!!!!!!
Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it's ok for her to talk to multiple cats.
I got 4,627 problems and 697 of them are toothpicks, 884 of them are threads on my pillow, 3,045 are leaves on these trees, and OCD is 1.
Where did Czechslovakia split up? At the Czech-out line.
*moon landing* That's one small step for man, one giant leap for updog "What's updog?" NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
I told my psychiatrist that I have been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
Why did the biscuit cry? Because its mother had been a wafer so long.
A young couple are in the middle of an argument... Man: "Yeah well, your hemorrhoids are disgusting!" Woman: "At least they stay out of my asshole!"
Why are locomotive drivers so good at driving locomotives? Because they were trained.
They say there is safety in numbers... Tell that to 6 million jews
Whats rectangular, white and blue?.... A fridge with a denim jacket on. HA!
Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween? Because they don't like random people knocking on their doors
So reddit announced today transparency is important to them. Unless its about Ellen Pao. the end.
Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door I say "Hey! Sorry I'm late."
Its a wonder how stadiums get so hot When they're filled with fans!
My girlfriend is a pornstar Shes gunna kill me when she finds out.
If the employees in your human resources department were all very into Aleutian sea birds. . . Around Christmas time, everyone would be sending HR Puffin Stuff.
What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung
Why did the Mexican take xanax? Hispanic attacks.
How do you prepare for a party in space? You Planet Thanks u/BostonCentrist
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard... Carry on then.
My buddy asked if I could make an electronic cigarette lighter so I removed the battery.
*gets summoned to the spider court* YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS HOW DO YOU PLEAD? *places glass over spider judge*
Why did the gay necropheliac stop by the morgue on his way home? He wanted to suck down a few cold ones after work.
Wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning... I refused.
Submit a joke This subreddit.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered.
When I was your age... When I was your age, before the Internet, there was none of this e-bola. We just had plain bola. And you know what? We were thankful.
Man walks into a tavern. Man walks into a tavern and passed the bar. Bartender turns to him and says, "You can't be back here." Man says, "It's OK. I'm a lawyer now."
What's considered an homemade gift in China? An IPhone.
As a Brandon, I'm constantly at war with Brendans. Do not confuse them with my kind. They are shit demons. Slaying them is my birthright.
Before I give a speech, I always tell myself I won't quote Linkin Park But in the end it doesn't even matter
So a jewish boy walks into a bar mitzvah
Me and my brother went to a homosexual Chinese restaurant. We both ordered 'the cream of sum yung gui'
I'll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.
I m married a girl with acute angina... After a couple of kids it was gone.
Met an old friend... I ran into an old friend the other day. He asked if I was getting any on the side. I told him, "It's been a long time, but I didn't know they'd moved it over."
A man walks out of a toilet cubicle with semen coming out both sides of his mouth, what do you know? The floors are level
The reason God began calling himself "God" was because the name "Chuck Norris" was already taken.
[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn] ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
Nike and TOMS are embarking on a joint venture... ...for every pair of shoes you buy, they'll donate a pair to the child who made them.
What is the preferred drink for people in St. Cloud? Mini Soda
Did you know there's an Alzhimers epidemic? I noticed it when I saw how many reposts make it to the front page.
Happy Womens Day They say a womans work is never done... Perhaps that's why they're paid less?
Never hit a man while he's down... Kick him, it's easier.
Scientists have now changed the name of periodic table element 117, formerly known as ununseptium, to Chogenon. CHOGENON DEEZ NUTZ
I found a great recipe in my mathbook Everything was amazing except the *cos-law*
What do you get when your iPhone auto-corrects "lardass"? Kardashian
If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
It was a blessing that grandpa past away peacfully in his sleep, but tragic for the passengers in his car.
It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards. Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.
Why did ginny make harry get rid of his invisibility cloak? He kept coming out of no where
I don't know why my Dad named me Hockey. He never calls me that, he just says "Hey sport"
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
What do you call a Jamaican redditor? [Le]mon
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
RIP to the Italian chef, it's nice to gnocchi pasta pizzafully.
What do you call a drug-addicted canine? A meth lab!
Whats the difference between children and lesbians? Children shouldn't run with scissors. Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs.
What did the gay cow say just before sex? STICK IT IN MY ANGUS
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a bush? BARRY
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
"See you later alligator" "In a whilst crocodile" -why we fought the British for independence
Why did the pigeon hate the crow? because he was in the coo klux klan
What do you call a gay man who just got fired? A canned fruit!
How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb? The parents would love to know.
What did the buffalo say to his kid when he went off to college? "Bye, son."
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?  - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
When we were young, my brother was always better in everything. I never let it get me down though. Because I know I will always have more chromosomes than him!
How do you prepare corn like Sean Connery? Shuck it long, and shuck it hard.
Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team? She ran away from the ball.
Reddit is red. Reddit is red, Facebook is blue.... No mutual friends, Who the fuk are u?
What's worse than missing your bus in the morning The Holocaust
I may be Indian.. ...but damn Curry sucks!
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid's teacher's way, & all of his crafts projects will "mysteriously" disappear after being graded.
what do you call a baby in the middle of the ocean without arms or legs? fucked.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine *I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat* Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My friend wants to carve a Venus statue from a tree. That seems like it would take a while, woodentit?
When is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades
What does a pirate take for his allergies? Aye-drops
Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I'm 38 it just sounds exhausting.
Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator? He didn't want to see the salad dressing.
What's a philosopher's favorite toy? Play-doh.
I'm sure some of you have already heard this one..... 4217
Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers? They always punch up the fuckline
A new study finds marijuana users are not more likely to have car accidents. Mostly because they're usually too high to find their cars.
Do you think the husband of the GPS lady listens to her directions?
What's the deal with lampshades? If your gonna turn on a light... Why shade it.
I'm getting pretty hungry. I haven't eaten all year!
"As one door closes, another one opens," he said. "That's all well and good," I said, "But until you fix it, I'm not buying the car."
[During Sex] "Hurry up, this isn't really my house."
Why doesnt Justin Bieber shop at Modells? He loves Dicks
what idiot called it a moon enthusiast and not a lunatic
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?" To which the horse replies "I have testicular cancer".
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher. One hour later she was dead. So today I'll be watching Home Alone 2.
Africans bring a whole new meaning to lesbians "Eating each other out"
I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue. I don't want to talk about it. ...It's a sore subject.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Licksalottapuss.
There are 10 types of people in the world Ones who understand binary And the ones who don't.
Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Why did Russia sign the non-aggression pact with NazI Germany? They were Stalin for time.
What do you call someone who hates Asians A riceist
What do you call an angry reticle? A cross-hair
I have a foot fetish, but only for left feet. I know you are thinking "That ain't right."
I just had sex with a woman who was 101 years old. In binary.
A young boy came up to his mother crying, when his mother asked him what was wrong, He said, "I went to Jared"
My lesbian friend asked what I wanted for my birthday... ... All I got was this stupid rolex!
Kanye tryin to get a parrot to talk, says to him: Polly want a cracker? Parrot look at Kanye, say Nigger want a watermelon?
What's short, but sometimes funny? a short joke.
What do you call a person who hates fat people? Weighcist
My boss called in sick of me
I don't mean to brag, but instead of teaching a man how to fish, I just gave him a bunch of things to do when life hands him lemons.
The masochist and a sadist. What did the masochist say to the sadist? *Hit me.* What did the sadist say to the masochist? *No.*
You've gotta hand it to short people.. Usually because they can't reach it
What do you call a chicken going to the moon? Apollo 11
This is a motherfucking website. http://motherfuckingwebsite.com/
A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him. His neighbor is curious &amp; asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?" The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"
eating the classic new york dish we all know and love that's right the individually purchased sleeve of ritz crackers
TIFU by not paying attention while ordering at Subway. Whoops, wrong sub.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. I'll see myself out now.
What kind of insects to secret agents like? (as told by my 9 yr old) Spiders.
Why didn't the girl cry after learning of her boyfriend's leprosy diagnosis? She didn't have a shoulder to cry on!
Why do Mexicans have no Targets? Because Trump is hiring them all to build a Wall mart.
How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles? "Trust me."
Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec
Sinbad isn't just a comedian's name - it's also an extremely short summary of The Bible
If you try to rip somebody's head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don't succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[at heaven's gate] God: Tell me why I should let u in Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic God: You can have my bed
i guess my favorite book would haveta be "being and nothingness"... i was halfway done before i even started reading.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.
Me: Good night, moon. [30 mins later] Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren't you reading my messages?
Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar? They both got 6 months
Umm Leo, there has been a mistake... Steve Harvey wrote the cards.
What is the difference between the deflate gate controversy and my wife? Only one shows an interest in the balls.
2 bats hanging on a branch Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill areas
What breaks when u give it to a toddler? Her hips
I went to a zoo one time and all they had was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Just made eye contact with an old guy as he slowly licked an ice cream cone. Great, like I don't have enough shit keeping me up at night.
There once was a fellow McSweeny... Who spilled some gin on his weenie. Just to be couth, He added vermouth, Then slipped his girlfriend a martini!
For a hero, it's pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
A Muslim walks into a bar An allahu ak-bar.
there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church... police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams? Shoot for the Tsars.
What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden? Rudolph's red hose rain gear...
A woman came in for a job interview wearing an abacus on her head. I hired her right on the spot. It's so hard to find employees who you can count on.
Can I get a football meatlong? With please, cheese.
Asians are so bad at driving That I think Pearl harbour was an accident.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Asian? A car thief who can't drive
What did the dad buffalo say when his offspring left for college? Bison
The secret of getting ahead is... not having a rib.
The king splits his kingdom for his three sons... -F**k yeah, said the Fourth Son
These next few days are going to be just like the OJ Riots. Oh wait...
Give a girl a plane ticket... ... and she'll fly for a day. Push a girl from a plane, and she'll get to fly for the rest of her life.
Hashtag. A game you play in the quad of any state college...
The blind circumcisionist What happened to the blind circumcisionist? He got the sack! Don't think Circumcisionist is a real word but it sounds better then surgeon or urologist.
If a camera adds on 10 pounds..... If a camera adds on 10 pounds, do African children even exist?
As a boy, I went to a Catholic School... It was a pain in the ass.
Sometimes, When I Think Of My Books... I touch my shelf.
What is a dog's favorite thing about living in a house? Roofs.
Russian Roulette 5/6 doctors say that its safe to play.
No one shot Rick Ross - when you're that big you're BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
How many women here think men are pigs? Let me see a show of tits.
What does going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite off the crust, lick the gooey stuff before you get to the meaty bits
Best actor of all time in human history. Also Starring
How do Astronauts screw in a lightbulb? They don't: They screw in a vacuum.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it's antidisestablishmentarianism.
I just opened up Microsoft Edge... Now I can download Google Chrome in style.
What did Amelia Earhart learn? Triplane fuel can't melt sea beams.
U want to hear a great joke? "A great joke" but you have to speak it out yourself.
Alligators can grow up to 8 feet! Though most only have 4
My grandma has dementia the saddest part is watching her slowly forget about Dre
When I was little I didn't mind my mom feeding me, the only food I refused to allow her to feed me was Alpha-Bits... I just didn't want anyone putting words in my mouth...
I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked. Worst. Transformer. Ever .
You said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can't jump at all. Well neither can a fence!
Family reunions must be really awkward in the south... Especially when you see your exes there
[at the pearly gates] I said, "send me a selfie." Then she said, "too ugly today." So I said, "never stopped you before" ...& here I am.
My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule. Doesn't exist by definition.
I think Rachel Dolezal is misunderstood. . . It turns out she's bi-Rachel.
Ever tried anal sex? Its fucking shit.
At any given moment the urge to sing is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
What happens when devil worshipers do the rain dance? PrecipiSatan
I was trying to catch some fog earlier... I mist.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry's good, the geography won't be..
Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
A gay joke Being gay is hard ass fuck
If 666 is evil Does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 and I have no idea how they got in there!
A guy just offered me 8 legs of Venison for 40. Does that sound too dear?
A black man and a feather fall out of a tree. Which hits the ground first? The feather. The black man is stopped by the rope.
Jokes written by kids (xpost from /r/funny) http://imgur.com/a/hyQna
Never trust an atom They make up *everything*
Intellectual person on phone. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket? One. After that the basket won't be empty.
I'm Godzilla's gift to women!!! *walks around toy store destroying doll houses*
Behind every fat girl there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, you're in the way
What do you call a group of emos? The Suicide Squad
The heart wants what it wants, y'know? On an unrelated topic, I'm not allowed in Petco anymore.
Did you guys hear who killed Alicia Keys? No oooneee, noooo oneee, nooooooo oooooonnneeee http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rywUS-ohqeE
*spin kicks cigarette out of your mouth* Nothing is cooler than health
How do you take your coffee? **Barista:** How do you take your coffee? **Customer:** Ferguson Police **Barista:** Huh? **Customer:** Black, two shots.
On a scale from one to ten, she's a ten... On the pH scale, CUZ SHE BASIC!
What Men think What is the useless skin around the vagina called? The Women
How many ghosts does it take to change one lightbulb? Zero. They don't exist.
Jokes that nerds tell I would tell you a NTP joke, but I don't have the time. Got any more
Ugh, I can't believe our coexist bumper stickers aren't working.
What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke Warm
What do you call a drunk dinosaur? Stagger-saurus.
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk in to a bar. And he orders a drink.
Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.
What do the Welsh call safe sex? Spray painting the sheep that bite.
What do you call a... What do you call a powered scooter in cow country? A mooooooooooped
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
What did it mean when they found bones on the moon? The cow didn't make it.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse? Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Just met up with an old friend yesterday I asked where he's been I haven't seen him in years. He replied jail, cops don't approve of you selling pot in a school zone.
Watched golf for two hours before realizing that the TV was off.
Why did the Anti vaccinator leave the solar system? Because he found mercury in it.
A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show... "I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."
What do you call the kids claiming "We don't need no education"? Comfortably Dumb
TIL how to keep an idiot waiting I'll let you know tomorrow.
What did the Mexican student write his essay about? Life outside of prison.
Why are relationships complex? Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary
I've spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she's a woodpecker.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs at your door? Whatever his name is you ass
What's your opinion on the mobius strip debate? I find it a tad one-sided.
What was the pedophile doing on the beach? Just kidding
What kind of underwear does John Grisham use? Pelican Briefs I'll go find a bridge
What did Earth say to the other planets? You guys have no life!
What did the lactose intolerant guy say after having a glass of milk? Please excuse my dairy air
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Humphrey. (I was told this joke by an actual dad, it was his response to one of my jokes)
Why was the battery arrested ? cuz it was charged with electricity .
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, Is this a joke?
I took a poop in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
Vectors Joke When (i) think of crossing with (u) I get my own normal vector, if you know what I mean. ;)
What is the worst thing about people who don't finish anything?
Animals are better than people because they can't talk
"Pass the joint." -Cannibals at dinner
Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
I once accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. It was embarrassing and cost a fortune in stamps.
The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.
I still remember what my grandpa told me before he kicked the bucket. "I wonder how far I can kick this bucket"
Why doesn't Oedipus curse? Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth ... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.
I wish all black men were like unicorns... gay.
What did the remote controller say to the tv? I know he turns you on but man, that guy just pushes my buttons!
A snake met an elephant one day and laughed 'Look at you, you have a dick on your face!' The elephant replied, 'Better than you, your face is on your dick!'
"She queefed violently, immediately fogging the windows of my Volvo wagon. I knew then I belonged to her." - from my new novel, NIGHT SOIL
Ladies, if you get in an argument with a guy and you have no chance of winning, start playing with your boobs. Trust me on this one.
I don't like bone jokes.. I don't find them humerus.
Mystery In an ironic twist, Oscar Pistorious has investigators stumped.
What do you call a Mexican woman with a large labia minora? Cunstwaylow
Is fashion all about clothes? Apparelently.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Chuck Norris uses a floor buffer to polish his massive testicles.
I once farted in an apple store, everyone got mad. It's not my fault they don't have windows...
What Should Make A Book Teacher: "What Should Be In A Book To Make It A Bestseller?" Jorkens: "A Girl On The Cover &amp; No Cover On The Girl"
I can hear my girlfriend in the other room cleaning up my cat's pee. As soon as I think she's done, I'm going to yell out "I'll do it babe!"
robbing hood http://ts2.mm.bing.net/th?&amp;id=HN.608026807890022015&amp;w=300&amp;h=300&amp;c=0&amp;pid=1.9&amp;rs=0&amp;p=0
He shouldn't have died so young, but he also shouldn't have cut the grass at 7:30 am on a Sunday. (I'm writing my neighbors obituary)
Morning! I was walking through a graveyard yesterday morning, and saw a guy crouched down behind a grave stone. "Morning!" I shouted. "Nah, just taking a shit!" He responded.
1. Put on clown shoes. 2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up. 3. Wait for someone to enter other stall. 4. Slowly lower feet to floor
By the cup of Nescafe even the most secret thoughts turn into words, and by the bottle of vodka  into actions.
What song do you sing if you're not a fan of Christmas? Sigh-lent night
My girlfriend and I have a rocky relationship... Much like Sylvester Stallone, there is a communication problem.
Missing Condoms
What did the snail say when he rode a turtle? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I'll see myself out.
What does a Jewish pedophile say to an 8 year old boy? Hey little boy, want to buy some candy?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.
Dirty Catholic Priest jokes are getting old. So we know one demographic who won't like them any more at least.
I accidentally pooed my pants in an elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
My 5-year-old daughter hates it when I call her the "C" word... cranky. She starts crying, screaming and stomping around. It's at this point I have to tell her: "Stop acting like a little cunt!"
The Seahawks beat the Panthers up so bad that people in North Carolina are wearing JE SUIS CAM t-shirts.
If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don't understand my son's Christmas list.
"Did you hear? Lament's gettin' a Ph.D." "What does Ph.D. stand for?" "in his case Pin-headed Dope."
An Indian friend of mine used to hit his wife every night at 7.30... ..on the dot.
What is the scariest thing to read in braile? "Do not touch"
Best jokes come from real life. This happened this morning. The toilet is clogged. My wife and I both insist we've only gone #1. One of us is full of crap and the other one is full of crap.
[voice recognition in car] Car: "please say a command" Me: "call Tim" Car: "calling Sarah Marcogliese"
Q: How does a cow add and subtract? A: With a cowculator.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
FUN FACT: If every human on Earth was laid out end to end... ...there would be no one left to measure how far it went. &amp;nbsp; ^^credit ^^to ^^@meganamram ^^on ^^Twitter
Best way to lose weight. Wait until you are full and stop eating.
I walked into a bar the other day... ...ouch
Why is Tylenol white? Because it works
[special ops briefing] Leader: We're going in deep & hard in the middle of the night Me: I bet you say that to all the boys L: Get out
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married
I had developed a porn addiction, but now I come here instead. These jokes really turn me off!
I wanna get rid of this memory foam mattress, but it knows too much.
I'll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? You slow down and add lubricant.
I ceaselessly seek validation from strangers. No joke, but that's why there would be a joke in the first place.
Drew Barrymore is so hot. That's why E.T. is one of my favorite movies.
Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.
I'm not saying she's fat...... But if you asked me to name my 5 fattest friends.... She would be 3 of them.
what has 150 legs and 7 teeth? the front row to a Willie Nelson concert
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length. Me: You could stop cutting.
Did you know you can take a whole nap and wake up and football will still be on?
What's black, wears a bandana and ends the world? Tupacalypse. (thanks to my buddy Mike)
Why couldn't the children see their father after his sex change? Because he was trans-parent
How do you combat espionage? Umbreonage
I like my girls like my whiskey Aged 18 years and single
You can't make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I'm pretty sure everyone else does too.
She was wetter than a down syndromes chin.
I'm pretty sure Robin Hood was black and he was just robbin the hood.
What do you call a hooker fart? A prostitoooooot
Capital letters... ...the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.
What is it called when one blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer
What do you see when the Pillsbury DoughBoy bends over? Dough Nuts
I'm in the hospital with meningitis, so here's a joke on the back of my tiny $10.00 juice box : what kind of shoes are made from bananas? Slippers.
how many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? one to drop it and the rest to pick it up pick it up pick it up pick it up
A man armed with lazer guns shot up a church... ...people went running pew after pew.
I enjoy working in a slaughterhouse.. Everything is so cut and dry.
If you don't use a bottle opener to open your beer, you drink shitty beer.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second one dies.
They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Making cakes Mom: I need to go to the store to buy some molasses. Dad: Why don't you just dig under the front yard?
A mugger was able to lure a woman very easily behind the building where he always sits... She was right up his alley.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Just saw a bumper sticker that completely changed my belief systems.
Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?
Being an HR, whenever I get a new batch of resumes, I always throw half of them in the garbage. I don't want unlucky people working in my department.
if you are getting circumcised you have to throw the foreskin in the garbage immediately otherwise seagulls will come and try to take it
Why was the New Englander so intent on looking for his khakis? Cuz he needed to pahk da cah in da yahd.
Seeing Kenya on a map is like seeing a pussy for the first time. It's lower than I thought it was.
Prostitution problems are had in Canada because... We use $1 and $2 coins. You can't throw those at strippers. Some of us ignore this problem and use Canadian Tire money.
What do you call a Mexican child molester? A Pedrophile.
Feed a man... Feed a man some fish he'll eat for a day. Feed a man some poison he'll eat for the rest of his life. Feed a man some fingers and he'll ask you to stop.
Dragons have tattoos of Asian chicks on their backs.
I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league. Good players are hard to find.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed face first
Deer Two deer were frolicking in a field and then a wolf came by. One of the deer said to the wolf, "Are you here to kill us, Mr. Wolf?'' And the wolf said, "No, for you are both dear unto me."
Is it okay to kiss a nun? Sure, a long as you don't get in the habit.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
What is the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak
if your religion infringes on people's rights; sorry, you've had hundreds of years to change everyone's mind- obviously that hasn't happened
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her he shouts out the window... "Pull over!" "No" she shouts back "a pair of socks!"
It's never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
opening a deli called "Work" a steakhouse caled "The Gym" adn a fried chicken place caled "A Funeral" for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I just sold some Viagra to a guy who thought it was Adderall. He's going to have a very hard test tomorrow.
A 9gag member posted original content
How do porcupines have sex? Very..................... . carefully.
Someone's just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries.
"Sorry I haven't been tweeting much lately."  guy who actually thinks people notice when he's not tweeting
My dog just got into a bottle of Tums She is now a basic bitch.
What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, three legs at noon and two in the evening? A cat in a minefield.
What do you call a baby from Dover? Doverkiin.
Rookie cop: "But sir, why would man's laughter be a crime?" Chief: "ffs kid, it's one word. Manslaughter."
How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? 4... one to drop it and three to PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP, PICK IT UUUUUUUP!!!
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop...now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit. Wife to therapist: Do you see what I'm dealing with here?
Actions speak louder than birds (except for parrots)
Why was Steve Jobbs funeral an open casket? So the attendees could get some face-time.
How does an astronaut cut his hair? Eclipse it.
At first I wasn't sure about my beard But it's growing on me
My mate asked me why I had sex noises saved on my iPod... I said, "It's for sound effects during sex". He asked, "Ah, is the wife a bit quiet in the bedroom?" "No," I replied, "I work in a morgue."
Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.
I saw a man at a circus put his head in a lion's mouth ...and that's still the only big cat blowjob I've ever witnessed.
Why are Jewish movies different from other movies? Because they are uncut.
Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.
My car is 13 years old. I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a six offender
What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
If sexual harassment is wrong, I don't want to be caught.
CRAZY PRANK!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYmoaJoyZTo
Birdie birdie in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye I didn't cry I didn't sigh I thank god cows can't fly
Why do doctors slap babies bums when then are born? Because the balls fall off of the stupid ones.
What's the difference between having sex and killing animals? One is OK to do for fun but not OK to do for profit, the other is vice versa.
What's pale, lives in darkness and sucks blood? A tampon
Not feeling great about how much scrolling down I have to do to get to my birth year.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Doctor: I'll be with you in a minute.
Why didn't the scarecrow want dessert? Because he was stuffed!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What does a cue ball and a mexican have in common? The harder you hit them, the more english you get out out of them.
I'm not racist... ...I own a colored tv.
I saw my ex getting jumped at a party 3 people started beating her up, so I decided to help out...that bitch didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.
What did the Jewish pedophile say? Ay kid, go easy on the candy!
Karma So yesterday I found a 15 dollar note in my purse. Not bothered to submit it to the police I went to an alley to spend the fake bill for a 1 dollar item, and I got two 7 dollar note for change!
What did the clock do after the good meal? He went back four seconds.
A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a crowded bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo, mate!"
Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they stink and they're ugly.
Samsung developed an infinite space hard drive. Only problem is they're still formatting it.
What do vegetarian dogs eat? Bark!
What do you call a midget psychic who escaped from prison? A small medium at large
What do you call a Dinosaur serial killer? A terror-Dactyl
Stevie Wonder is having triplets at the age of 64. I bet he didn't see that coming...
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom of the page
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I was having dinner with my folks when dad called me a son of a bitch. I said, "Listen, I don't disagree--but she's sitting right THERE."
The last words of an electrician "Yeah you can turn it on, it is proven."
What did the pickle say to the cucumber? Come on in the water's brine!
Why was the Women not Afraid of the Shark? It was a man eating shark (sorry it's so bad)
4 out of 5 experts agree that when you put any 5 experts together, 4 out of 5 of them will agree.
Who me? Oh I'm just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
My wife is a famous porn star. But she would be pissed if she ever found out.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwears
Why do they call wood carving "whittling"? Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.
I used to play hard to get until I realized that I was hard to want
Some-What strange joke What does a white woman make for dinner? Reservations.
I think I have a sleeping disorder. It's called children
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I'm doing well and he's 17 which is very old for a dog
My girlfriend's a bouncer I only found out because I saw her fall out of a window.
What do you call an actor who has given up civilized life and gone to live in the wilderness? Will Feral. Edit: I tried
You should not vaccinate your children. Get a health care professional to do it.
An African athlete has been banned from the Commonwealth Games after testing positive to a performance enhancing substance.' ....Food.
What's the difference between sex and a corporation? In sex the person on top does most of the work
if you ask a veteran if they've killed anyone and they say they don't like to talk about it, that means no
Did you hear about that kid who claimed that his age was 2015? He was infact a *year* old.
How do you make a cookie dance? Throw a little dough at it!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 The odds were against me.
#NAME?
My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
Does it mean you have a small dick if you never got a toothy blow job? No it doesn't I'm asking for a friend because I've never got one
Sources say Amazon to invest in maternity wards in hopes of expanding their delivery services.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
When can you tell your waitress is having a bad day? When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
What do you get when you mix a Native American and an Irishman? An alcoholic with a drinking problem
What did the Buffalo say to his son when he went off to college? By son.
What do you have when you are having second thoughts about your booking on Native American land? Reservation reservation reservations.
what does a frozen beer, burnt pizza, and pregnant girl all have in common? they all happened because some dumbass didn't pull it out in time.
Why is 6 afraid of 9 on New Years Eve? Because 9, 8, 7....
I consider you a female sheep Gotta say it aloud. *ewe
My friends were making fun of Starlord I told them that Pratt Shaming isn't welcome in my house
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard? No, and neither did she.
Why do women have legs? So they don't leave a snail trail
What did the sheep at the fraternity say? Braaaaaaaah
What did the duck say to the bartender put it on my bill
"Only God can judge me" People who've never been to Whole Foods.
Every time I meet someone new, my girlfriend gets a slap across the face. I really need to stop high-fiving people.
How do you catch a polar bear? You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
What email service do gay people use? Hotmale.
Did you know Chewbacca got a girl pregnant the first time he had sex It was a Wookie mistake
[end credits roll] "I did not see that coming" "Dude that was titanic"
10,000 years from now people will probably be incredibly confused why they keep digging up dog shits perfectly preserved in plastic bags.
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the woods? One was "a-salted."
Only 90s kids will get this DEEZ NUTS
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE I yelled at my gynecologist
What's the similarity between iPhone 7 and my girlfriend? They both let me stick it in only one place.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don't I?
Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cart has claws at the end of its paws. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. Edit: spelling
Did you hear Monica Lewinski is in town? I saw her going down on Clinton! (most towns/cities have a Clinton St.)
There was once a magical tractor... It turned in to a field
Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary's garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby's parking lot?
Perhaps the greatest fashion revolution was moving the pads from the shoulder to the bras
What does a laser in a church sound like? Pew pew pew!
I like my men like I like my coffee... Tall, dark, and fantastic in the morning
[NSFU] Bill Gates' penis... What does his wife call it? Microsoft.
They say breaking a sweat every day is one of the healthiest things you can do... good thing I eat a lot of Indian food.
What did the man do when he got a big gas  bill? He exploded.
Ruin a date in 5 words... Does this smell like chloroform?
"Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures," I mutter after each rabies shot.
What is Jesus's favorite gun? A nail gun.
Why did the chicken cross the road? A black guy was following her.
If you're ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, "Help Me" to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Why did Jesus cross the road? To get away from Donald Trump
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Opening a Christian gym called 'Jehovah's Fitness'
Not to brag but I'm never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation...
Who is that only black guy at the family reunion? Your fat sisters boyfriend
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
You've reached the Suicide Hotline. If you're clinically depressed, press 1. If you sent a tweet with a typo in it, press 2.
[marriage counseling] She thinks I'm stupid "He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex" HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I learn something new every day that I didn't want to know.
"I brought whipped butter instead of cream cheese for our bagels." -terrorists
*desperately tries to get screaming newborn daughter latched onto my nipple* hmmmm. she must not realize I'm a feminist
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
So this baby seal walks into a club... ...
Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today? Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I almost had a threesome once. I only needed two more people.
Why was Gollum executed at a bar in Iraq? Because he asked for Ice-es
Has anyone heard of the new band called 512MB? They haven't any gigs yet!
Whats the difference between the Titanic and EA servers. The Titanic only went down once.
Vitamin C is Spanish for Vitamin Yes
Are you a guitar? Because I want to wrap my hands around your neck.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine
A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do.
What do you call a french guy wearing sandals? Felipe Flop
Keep calm and pretend today isn't Monday.
do i own a boat? no no no. im afraid of the ocean. i guess u coud say.. *removes glasses* i cant sea
What is the poor part of Italy called? The spaghetto
Why was Dr. Dre kicked out of the farmer's market? He kept dropping the beets.
How do you know an Asian broke into your home? The computer's upgraded, the cat is missing and they're still trying to back the fuck outta the driveway.
I have cancer. I can't sleep. Entertain me - tell me a joke about terminal illness or insomnia.
Tell 'em how it 'tis, not how it 'twas: Edition 2. The joke used to be "If ya lick 'er, it's quicker". Now it's: "If y'ignore 'er, ya score 'er."
I'm not addicted to cocain I just love how it smells
[music club] what should we play today [hand goes up] yes joe? "banjo" all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand [everyones hand goes up]
An electrical engineer is talking to a blonde the blonde asks: "What do you do for a living?" The engineer replies " I make chips" "Oh yummy!"
CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan
How do computers learn to read? C:/ Dos C:/ Dos Run Run Dos Run
Yo momma so poor... that ducks throw bread at her. I fucking lost my shit at a [6]!
Why did the geologist get divorced? He took his wife for granite.
Hey, is your computer running? Well, you better go catch it!
A call When making food, mum asked me to **call** out to her once I finish draining something. So, being a smart ass, I called her phone.
why did russia execute its jeopardy winner? he knew too much
I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?
What did the teacher call her intelligent yet self-harming student? Her scar pupil.
Looking for jokes about short people... e.g. My friend is so short he XXX
If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, the internet would be a much more peaceful place.
Sponsor a Child I was thinking of sponsoring a child in Africa. But him being so far away, how could I be sure he actually completed the Fun Run?
What do you call a black Canadian? Just 'Canadian'.
I thought the wife was joking... ...when she said she wanted to go to Switzerland for a Monkees concert. Then I saw her face...now I'm in Geneva
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
It's been so hot lately, so I finally got a new AC... and i nicknamed it DIRK cuz it's so clutch against the heat.
Microsoft should try making an optimistic and articulate robot that adjusts its responses based on interactions with the public. They could call it Marco Rubio.
Lisa Sparx What a Record!!! World gangbang record with 919 men in a day.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot.
It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I figured out why the plane crashed! There were skeletons driving it!
You thought i would bring up an old meme from 5 years ago? Nope, Chuck Testa
That old expression: "hold the phone!" doesn't work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Was hit by a rental car earlier today. It still Hertz.
How many Hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? ...it's this really obscure number. You've probably never even heard of it. No big deal.
I remember the face of every person who doesn't say "thank you" when I hold open the door for them.
Just because I can't spell Armygeddan..... Doesn't mean its the end of the world....
I saw two really fat people today talking... Looked like a heavy discussion
Whats the difference between a prostitute with dysentery and an epileptic oyster shucker? The oyster shucker, shucks between fits.......
Meeting with the father who married me and my wife for dinner tonight. I hope it's Italian I am going to ask him to pass the body of christ.
This joke contains no nudity, no sexual acts, no alkohol drinking, no cheating, violence, bad language or anything provocative. It's so safe, its a joke.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-o-puss
Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging? Because X was always 10
What would you call an indian dating site? connect the dots
Body Glitter: For the girl who wants to leave a sparkling trail of daddy issues everywhere she goes
I've got a 3D printer But it only prints pieces of paper.
What would you title a movie about a Nazi roofer with a speech impediment? Shinglers Lisp.
What's 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild ? A 100$ bill
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine .. .. but catscan
What is the difference between a pizza and a black guy? A pizza can feed a family of four!
There was a pair of Siamese triplets, but they wanted to be a pair. So they cut out the middle man.
I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.
My friend told an out of place joke about police searches. But I don't think it was warranted.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day give a man a poisoned fish, feed him for a lifetime
My car and I have one thing in common... ...we're both broke as hell.
The day my wife found out she was pregnant, everything changed... My name, my phone number, my address, and my country of residence.
Why shouldn't you hang out with zombies? They make rotten friends
Did you hear about the contest that awarded the winner with a cat? It was a catastrophe.
Lindt chocolate... .....is to die for.
I have three kids, one of each.
Dad Jokes Who can make a good dad joke?
"outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend" "inside of a dog, its too dark to read"-Groucho Marx
We've had the selfie and now the selfie stick. So when will our phones be renamed Selfones.
How can you tell retarded kids form the art students? Retards don't wear Black.
Are you a moment of Inertia? Because you're MR (squared)
Nic Cage was a straight A highschool student but he slacked off one semester. When he got his report card, he shouted "Bs! Not the Bs!"
Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly? A: Heredity.
What type of job does T-Rex have? He is small arms dealer
Have you ever seen the inside of an ac compressor? It's really cool.
What do you call a hippo that swears? A hippopottymouth
Don't do any jokes about Jesus this Easter.. He's not the guy you'd want to cross...
What do lawyers wear to court? Law suits
Why did Baby Moses believe he was Egyptian? Because he was in da Nile.
I love fucking love coffee. It's what keeps me up at night.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Why can't Micheal Bay be a farmer? Because he dosen't have a plot.
My wife called me a pedophile. Pretty big word for a nine year old.
I don't like my hands I always keep them at arm's length
What do you get when you cross a millipede with a parrot? A Walkie Talkie
I hate pitchers ...They always throw games
TIFU by quitting my job as a train driver and downing a bottle of ketchup. I went off the rails and straight on the sauce.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
You know how the bud light campaign got through PR? Because the guys at bud light aren't used to getting consent and don't take no for an answer.
I named my hard drive "dat ass" So once a month my computer would ask if I want to back dat ass up.
My Dad's Motto My dad always lived by the motto "work hard, play hard." Until mum made him seek help for his Viagra addiction.
What did the river say when it saw the beavers? I'll be dammed.
Why is there no Windows 6 or Windows 9? Windows 6 got scared because Windows 7 8 9
BREAKING NEWS: Miami Heat joins LeBron James.
Rihanna and Chris Brown recorded a duet together......i think its a cover of Britney's, "Hit me baby one more time"
Hey dudes with super big muscles, that's not necessary.
I made a butchers club The only problem is we can't agree to a meating time.
"I sure hope that was a cracker" -Me eating in the dark.
My dear Grandpa died peacefully in his sleep. But his 3 passengers all went screaming.
Is it just me, or does hamstring sound delicious?
What can a man do that is physically impossible for women to accomplish? Orgasm.
China's economy is doing perfectly fine. I hear it's booming.
Why do you have to take more than one Baptist with you when you go fishing? Because if you just take one, he'll drink all your beer.
How do you milk sheeps? With Apple accessories.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing in the leaves? Russell.
Punny Chemistry "What's Jerry Sandusky's favorite compound?" "What?" "A mole ester"
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottsman? Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" A Scottsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
A new thought from Anton Belvedere Q: What did I say to Queen Amidala on Mardis Gras? A: Show me your Naboobs!
I gave up and "folded" the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.
Bad puns are the best puns How can you tell that a baker's hands are on fire? He can't seem to *stop droppin' rolls*.
How did the pothead propose to his girlfriend? "Marriage.. you wanna?"
Good Music Jokes? I want to see what the community can come up with.
"She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it" - my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Why aren't there any French Restaurants in Davy Jones' Locker? Dead men sell no snails!
Why couldn't I call back a Bernie Sanders volunteer? Because they were using a Berner Phone.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapuss.
In Soviet Russia... You are in charge of Charles. (h/t Wife)
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T's on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bar tender says "Why the long face?" To which she replies "My husband and brother just died."
[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy. "Snow White?" Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.
Yo mama's house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
Jews are lazy... ... essentially a group of people who couldn't be bothered to read the sequel. -Will Bailey (Cambridge footlights)
I Told my Friend She Drew Her Eyebrows on too High She seemed surprised.
People Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by people who are full of hot air...I need to find a way to use it as renewable energy
[murder occurs] ME: how terrible. why can't we love each other [someone slightly inconveniences me] ME: I will execute your entire family
Hillary Clinton is like an art history major, old and useless.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
What's black and white and green all over? A black environmentalist.
dark humor What are your favorite dark humor jokes
Other Trump supporters might be racist, but I'm not. My girlfriend's black. But only the area around her eyes where I punch her.
I was forcibly held underwater, made to consume human flesh, and drank human blood all before puberty. man Christianity has some weird traditions.
what does Voldemort call his prostitutes Whorecruxes
Why were people angry wen the chiken crossed the rd? Cus he looked one way, then another way after.
I was in a job interview. "What is your biggest strength?" "I am always on time." "And your biggest weakness?" "I get annoyed when my dealer is late."
Eric Garner tried stand up comedy... But he choked on stage.
You like parachuting? That's messed up... you like the Paris Shooting!?
Why did Goku cross the road? Find out next time on Dragonball Z!
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
So a horse walks into a bar... And many people leave because that is a safety hazard
What's the difference between yogurt and semen? ~~Semen~~ Yogurt, dammit! I meant *yogurt* doesn't hit the back of your partner's throat at 30 MPH. \* I always mess up punchlines when I'm drunk!
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you do not talk about, name, hint at, refer to, discuss, or mention Thesaurus Club.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
A family walks into a hotel The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
I think my husband is having an affair with the computer because he's always fucking on it.
What do you call a pasture full of cows masturbating??? Beef strokin-off
What do you call A man in an iron suit flying by the king of the North? A Stark contrast
I'm addicted to glue You just get attached to it
A doorbell that whispers "hide."
Why was the rooster angry? He just found his chicken strips. (Courtesy of my creative bartender pal)
What do vegetarian zombies eat? GRAAAAAAAAAAINS!!
What does my calendar look like? Let me check. It has a bunch of fucking numbers on it and no space for you.
I loathe earlier versions of myself as though they were separate people.
Can me and you go out sometime? "No, your grammar is too poor" Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
befor they had dog cops they tried cat cops but the cats kept meowing at the policemans durimg the stakeouts
Say what you want about deaf people... Am I right!?
Why did the chicken cross the road? ...To get to the other side.
That Awkward Moment when you find something hilarious, but nobody else does.
That's a nice sham-wow you got there... It would be a shame if someone replaced the wow with the letter e
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants
"20 McNuggets for $5? That's like a quarter a nugget!" I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair? Cancer
Chain link fence gates will have their revenge on speeding 80s getaway cars.
inspired by frontpage's TIL about the guy fawkes mask: how many occupy protesters does it take to change a lightbulb? none, occupy protesters can't change anything.
Whats the best thing about doing twenty four year olds? Theres twenty four of them.
If the number 666 is considered evil... ...is the number 999 is considered LIVE?
What US city has the dirtiest frozen waffles? San Diego
Did you hear about a vampire that joined the Nazi party? He was nazi in the mirror as well.
There were 2 goldfish in a tank One said to the other, "you man the guns, I drive."
(Grabs store intercom) Would whoever dropped the list with "pizza" and "wine" on it in the cart come to the front? We need to be friends.
Nobody told jokes in the USSR... Because in Soviet Russia, jokes tell you.
Startup idea Dating app for pedophiles, Kinder. [huh?](/s "Yiddish for 'children'. Also, 'pssss, wanna buy a startup?'")
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with two people is called a twosome... then I know why people call you handsome.
There was a party in my pants and only one guy came...
Chuck Norris can live on the dark Side of the moon............naked
Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam? Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.
Did you know that national middle child day was last week? Yeah... Nobody else did either...
What did the Puerto Rican dish say when he lost his Android? Where'd mofongo?
Everyone thinks the same thing when buying Drano. What a waste of money! That's $5 down the drain... (  )
What is Apple's CEO's favourite TV show? Lost
I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
Change is inevitable... Except from vending machines
I thought I fell in love with my blender ...but now I have mixed feelings
Me: I'm too full to eat anymore. Food: Are you sure. Me: No.
[interview] BOSS: How many words can you type a minute? ME: Probably all of them BOSS: What do you mean? ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Careers Advisor to American student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?" Student: "Alive".
Email to my boss: What is the difference between your daughter and this morning? I'm not cumming in this morning!
What did Napoleon have up his sleevies? His armies!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem.
Apple pie isn't American unless you eat the whole thing in one sitting.
How do you know a North Korean robbed your house? All your printer paper is gone and when you look at the printer history it's all Kim Jong-un.
People say... People say I'm not a fun loving person. Well some nights I am, some I'm not. That's all folks! I'll be sitting on the bleachers if any one needs me!
What do you call the surgery when a woman gets a sex change? Addadictomy
I still have a lot of teen angst You wouldn't understand
I was just making a sandwich when I thought to myself, So, there is a downside to divorce'.
If you're a "Blocked caller" you're gonna be a "missed call."
Why are frogs always so happy? Because they eat whatever bugs them.
Knock Knock who's there? to to who? to whom.
Self-deprecating humor is kind of my thing, or at least that's what I tell myself.
I've lost so many friends to babies.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
a disability, a curse word and a radical interpretation of scripture walk into a bar nothing happened welcome to /r/cleanjokes
I was fired from my job as a bingo caller.... ....apparently "a meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Betsy ! Betsy who ? Betsy of all it's a cadillac !
Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."
I was sitting in traffic the other day got run over.
2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win 2017: He can't do that... right? 2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games!
There was once a psych researcher with a rare genetic defect that gave her four buttocks. She was fired for being bi-assed.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What is brown and sticky? Michael J Fox opening a can of coke
[Bank Robbery] Put all the money in the bag and no one- *sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt* MOST people won't get hurt!!
I was getting the kids out of the bath last night when a complete stranger burst through the door. I swear I've never moved faster down a drainpipe.
There is no "i" in "stupid."
What do you call a half elephant, half rhinoceros? An abomination.
What was Pablo Escobar's favourite pool party game? Narco Polo.
Hey guys What do you think of my jokes! My girlfriend asked me to treat her like a princess in France. I said ok but im not crashing the car. 11&lt;&lt;
Two people have been killed and another seriously injured in a knife attack at an Ikea store in Sweden. Police are currently at the crime scene trying to piece the evidence together.
What do you call a bunch of Asian bears roaring? Panda-monium.
If Obama had run against a cop in the 2012 Presidential Election... He would have got beaten.
In tandem with the supreme court ruling in favor of same-sex marriage New Line Cinema announced a sequel to Wedding Crashers. It's going to be called Wedding Crashers 2: Courthouse Marriages.
Would you like a havarti sandwich? No thank you, havarti got a sandwich! *rim shot*
Harry Potter is a kind of "whodunnit" book series and you-know-whodunnit...
What part of a vegetable is the most difficult to eat? The roots.
Jesus walks on water and everyone is impressed. I walk on water and I'm seriously concerned about this ice breaking...
What's the difference between a swimmer and a gay? The swimmer smells like chlorine all over his body, while the gay only smells like chlorine on one part
Why doesn't Hitler play table tennis? Because he's dead.
Dominos dropped the "pizza" from its name because they're not legally allowed to call that pizza.
I can't believe this guy took time away from his busy schedule of commenting on YouTube videos to make my McDonald's order wrong.
What did the Chinese man say when Winter came around? Reddit snow, reddit snow, reddit snow!
TAKEN 4 COMING SOON ! Ring , Ring . Kim this is your father. Daddy ? she replies. But, but your dead ! Listen I'm a Ghost , and my Corpse is about to be, TAKEN !lol.
People are like trees, they'll fall down if you hit them multiple times with an axe.
What's a young birds favourite game? #BEAK A BOO!
Why the long face? "A horse walks into the bar and the bartender comes over and says, 'Why the long face?'" - Not my original for sure, but always makes me smirk.
What's a golfer's favourite games console? A PS FOUR!
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay $60 to have a garbanzo bean on my face!
Rihanna the masochist paparazzi: why did you stay with chris brown? rihanna: beats me
How does Google celebrate its birthday? With a search party.
The awkward moment when you realize you have a lot in common with the person you hate.
I once met an Indian bloke in Birmingham and his name was Naan. He wasn't born here, but he was bread.
Sex Change I ran into an old guy friend named Harry that had a sex change to be woman named Jan. I told her, don't forget it's Jan-ur-Harry 1st.
What did both Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common as winning presidential candidates? A cool catchphrase.
A man proposes. A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her: *Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World* Looking bewildered she replied: **You want Both !!!??**
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
I was going to post a gay joke.... Butt fuck it
Roses are red... Roses are red. Harambe was shot. I am Rick Harrison. This is my pawn shop.
You know it's cold outside... When you see a politician with their hands in their own pockets.
People often ask me why I'm single and how surprised they are Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
24 bugs in the code 24 bugs in the code... Take one down patch it all out... 78 bugs in the code...
What do a German says when you show him a good meme? Danke
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV: They shrink everyone on earth on purpose The planet will never run out of resources Everyone is eaten by ants
No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with
I went for a check-up today, the dr. said everything looked good... Then he stuck his finger up my ass and declared everything there was good also.... I think I may need to find a new dentist.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn't a very good one.
A redhead tells her blonde sister "I slept with a Brazilian"... The blonde says "OMG! you slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle? The road.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It's like he doesn't realize I'm married.
What is the best url for a bukkake website? www.facefullof.com edit: wow i did not know this lead to an actual site???!!!!
Life is like huffing butane... first you huff the butane, then you die
To all the Ananda's out there.. What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.
What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment? Storming a castle.
It hit me as I was taking my kids trick or treating tonight...... I'm lucky it was just a golfcart
How do you find and old man in the dark? Just feel around. It's not hard.
NO I didn't eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn't even know they were being watched.
I thought about getting a pocket calculator... ...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.
DID YOU KNOW? You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shut-off switch.
Why was Hitler late to his meeting? He did nazi how late it was!
What did Olivia Newton-John say to her doctor? Lets get physical!
What do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after? A one night stand with Jesus
It's only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn't mine
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?  A. Chelsea Clinton
Want to know the worst thing about yourself? Hang out with a kid for an hour, then ask them.
Student: What is the chance we are alone in the universe? Professor: Astronomical.
Now I understand why the British population was on a steady decline these past few years... Brits are really good at pulling out.
Gay jokes are not funny Come on guys...
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Guys joking about chemical weapons isn't funny. Syriasly.
I have neighbors who are racist. Whenever we play monopoly, instead of using the hat or thimble I just carve a black family out of wood. They move whenever I land on their property.
Why would anyone trust Chewbacca to fly the millennium falcon? He's such a wookie pilot. I had three Star Wars jokes prior to this. But none were any good.
Why don't most people have classes on Saturday or Sunday? School is for the week.
I ought to start doing more with my weekends than just sit at home drinking beer, jacking off to porno mags and playing minesweeper. I do enough of those things at work.
It's white, it's ceramic, and it taps on your door. Let that sink in.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.
The Alzheimer Society of Ireland is commemorating 30 years this year... ...or is it 40?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Sometimes I gaze upwards at the endless stars that populate the sky and realize how small I truly am. I should get one of those pumps.
The Chicago Bears
Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don't know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.
Facebook's "People you may know" should be called, "People you definitely know and have been avoiding".
What does Peter Parker wish he would have went to school for? Web design.
The German folk singer was very dishonest with me. You could say that he lied.
What did Blackbeard say to the girl who was dressed as a sexy pirate for Halloween? "Land Hoe!"
Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.
Who are the fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They got through over 40 stories in seconds.
You think you got problems I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti Supper is ruined I tell you
Pathan Joke *original joke translated into english* Pathan: I want to get married Dad: With who? Pathan: Grandmother *Dad turns angry* Pathan: You married my mother, that's why I want revenge.
The worst is when you wake up hung over and you didn't even drink the night before.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
What is Harry Potters abortion spell? Fetus-Deletus
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that's Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Want to hear the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? (Bar Joke) Einstein's dick
Hey I got your text but then I died, I'll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Guy calls his wife and says, "I had an accident at the factory today - a machine cut off my finger!" His wife asks, "The whole finger?" He replies, "No, the one next to it."
What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and donald trump? One of them is a racist carrot
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
A man walks into a zoo, and the only animal he sees there is a dog. It's a shitzu.
How do you turn fruits into vegetables? Drive a bus through a pride parade
What are the hottest days during  summer? Sun-days
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO! COWORKER: Amanda. ME: Why would you assume it's a man?
Why did the baker have smelly hands? He kneaded a poo.
I'm leaving you for an NSA officer "I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said. "But why? What does he have that I don't?" "He listens to me."
When you're dead, you have no idea you're dead. It's only difficult for other people..... Much the same as when you're stupid.....
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.
[OC] Are vegetarians allowed to have pudding? If so how can they have pudding if they don't eat their meat?
If we are what we eat... ...children in Africa don't exist.
A whale performs a La Roux cover...... "Mmmmmmmmmm.......I'm goin' in for the krill"
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
"What kind of dog is this?" "Well actu.." "Hes cute" *pets it* "Sir thats my.." *picks it up* "Your a good dog arent you?" "PUT MY SON DOWN"
Why did God give the seagulls wings? To beat the French to the garbage
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Joke my brother told when he was little..... Why did the cannibal cross the road.....  To get to the body shop......
The best freestyle ever Roll up to someone with pancakes Drop my iPhone on it Call it ihop I'll see myself out
My girlfriend just introduced me to the parents. As if I've never met my own mum and dad before.
If the next president is white.... That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.
I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
What do you call a five foot psychic that escapes from jail? A small medium at large.
My local cafe is getting awfully spiritual these days The new sign says "Please wait here to be, seated."
What is the flatulent fat guy's favorite song after his gf dumped him during Christmas? Last Christmas I gave you my fart
My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.
What's Trump's favorite place to shop? *Wall-Mart* ^^pls ^^no ^^kill ^^I ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^at ^^2 ^^in ^^the ^^morning
What's the difference between jam and jelly? well.... I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
why did the chicken head cross the road? to ghetto the other side...
Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
You better hope you marry rich.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
What do you call it when you think deeply about something you just saw on reddit? Redditation. I am so sorry... that was horrible.
You know what grinds my gears? When I'm low on transmission fluid.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I'll be out sick.
I always hold my girlfriends hands Because if I let go she shops!
I have proof that the FBI has no sense of humor [REDACTED]
What do your mother and a marathon have in common? They are both doable as long as you don't mind following a bunch of black guys.
So much negative, Wars, terrorism, climate disruption, political corruption.......Kardashians........ At least Charlie Sheen is positive.
Why is a UTI such a bad thing? Because it means urine trouble
What Does Pink Floyd and Princess Diana Have in Common? Their biggest hit was the wall.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that's ghanistan af.
What does a mexican magician make for breakfast? Toast-tah-dahs!
People are like traffic lights You have to judge them by colour
Others have suggested it, so here it is! A dumb blonde joke thread! Post all of your blonde jokes here!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it'd be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Why don't you transport onions by boat? You don' want your boat to be full of leeks.
Step 1: Walk without rhythm, Step 2: Ride the worm Step 3: Prophet
My friend had his assignment on plagiarism stolen so he copied mine. He then proceeded to take a course on Nihilism but it ended up not having a meaningful impact on his transcript.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she's channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.
Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.
A good thing about being single is I don't have to worry about anyone flushing while I shower. Or caring that I exist or whatever.
What do you call a bulimic tree? Sycamore!
What do you call a bulimic tree? Sycamore.
New study shows AMAZING new way to cut down on clickbait! Well, that wasn't it...
Nike's thought when considering whether or not to participate in the FIFA bribe scandal... Just do it
Why wasn't the pediatrician impressed with the new year's eve Times Square ball drop? Because he has seen plenty of balls drop. (Sorry)
I was suddenly awoken with a blowjob this morning. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
[OC] A cold bear Did you know that when a bear gets cold it loses control of its vowels and becomes a brrrr?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous. We'll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
What's the hardest part about winning crossfit? Being 5 foot 6
The shame about ancient Grecian art... The shame about ancient Grecian art is that there are amazing marble sculptures and structures which too often get taken for granite.
Why do women have boobs? So ya got something to look at when yah talkin' to em'! So ya got something to look at when yah talkin' to em'! So ya got... Thanks Family Guy.
I would like to order a sandwich.. Oh wait. Wrong sub
What can Santa give away and still keep?  A cold.
I just called the suicide hotline AND THEY DON'T THINK RUNNING OUT OF MAPLE SYRUP WHILE I'M EATING PANCAKES IS A REASON TO KILL MYSELFFFF!!!
Donald Trump is like a marshmallow... He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.
I invented a new sex position called "The Donald" You grab her by the pussy and fling her over a wall.
My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited
What computer monitor sings the best? A Dell.
What do a gang member and a redneck have in common? They both know how to throw a good hoe down.
How do you handle a redheads anger? Gingerly.
Jesus, my local time travel club postponed their meeting again.. Now its last week
Taco emergency ? Call 9 Jaun Jaun
I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet. *runs after him
When I first met my wife I asked her if she smokes after sex She got quiet for a second then said," I don't know, I've never checked ".
Renee Zellweger walked into a bar... "Oh, so that's what happened!"
Before you judge someone... Walk a mile in their shoes. If you still don't like them, at least they're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
Did you hear about the HVAC technicians who got into an argument? At first it was heated, but they got some fresh air then things cooled off
A grasshopper walks into a bar... ...the bartender glances at him and says: "Hey! We got a drink here named after you!" And the grasshopper says "What, Larry?"
I'm not saying I'm smarter than you because I use proper punctuation; I'm implying it with semicolons.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit the other one says rub-it rub-it!
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that's the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers...
A sad man walks into a Coca-Cola carbonation factory... But he leaves because it was just soda pressing.
In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.
Blood oranges at the farmer's market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.
What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?? Quarter pounder with cheese
Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
What's the difference between Reddit's CEO and Hitler? There's no "L" in Pao.
Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down  his pants? Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.
Blonde and brunette are stuck in elevator... Blonde starts yelling HELP HELP Brunete: it is better if we yell together. Blonde: TOGETHER TOGETHER
ALERT: If u got a message from me saying "I Need To Contact Poopy Woman" that was a hacker or error. I called the cops and they are mad
Cute cat "Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds" You mean sheds? "No" [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
How long does it take to drive across France? 3 days by panzer
Don't you guys just hate it when a sentence doesn't end like you think it pineapple?
What do you call someone who can't do anything? HR
I wonder if the Cabbage Patch Kids grew up to be bastards & whores that left their offspring in random gardens like their parents did.
I was watching a hulu video and an ad came up saying "This episode was brought to you by the invisible children." Now I know how the internet works.
You guys was right about Donald Trump harming the environment He's already making snowflakes melt!
TRIGGER WARNING National Rifle Association of America
So, two yogurts walk into a bar The bar tender says "hey, what do you think you're doing? We don't serve you here!" And the Yogurts respond "Why? We're two cultured individuals."
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe. ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Do you have a hole in your sock? "No ..." *(looks at sock)* . . How'd you get your foot in it?
Q: When do the leaves begin to turn? A: The night before a test.
One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming...
Remember: If the leprechaun sees his shadow today, six more weeks of drinking.
Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter? There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.
If I was a cannibal I'd only eat women. Because they're seedless.
We put a man on the moon yet we still keep using the same dated scientific progress analogy.
My water stopped working for a bit today. My wife immediately said, "I'm going outside to dig a hole to catch the rain water!" After the wife is gone I said to the rest of the family, "she means well"
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
What's the difference between a Mexican joke and a black joke? Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal
Just ordered wonton soup Hope my apartment can hold the weight
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Feminists can't change anything
I think my coworkers are gay Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass."
What is half the diameter of a radish? ...the radiush.
So Cologne, Germany during WW2 was bombed and decimated by fire. I am sure the fire smelled pretty nice.
What do you call a german that does the exact opposite of what he says to do? A hypokrout.
Did you know when a man masturbates he generates 5 BTU of energy.. So if you had 5000 men in a room masturbating, it would be extremely gay.
So I'm not showing up to any Halloween parties this year... I'll be telling everyone I'm Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.
Did you guys hear about the midget that admitted he was gay? He came out of the cupboard.
Its Wrong To Have Sex Before Marriage Girl (While moaning during sex) : Its wrong. Boy : But I love you. Girl : No its wrong. Boy : I will marry you soon. Girl : You stupid cunt, the hole is wrong.
A man walks into a bar It hurt
I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
-I'm just gonna have 1 drink before dinner -I'm just gonna have 1 drink with dinner -I'm just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk -I pishd ma pnts gen
I have sex almost every day. Today I almost had sex, yesterday I almost had sex...
How do you make a clown cry? Kill his entire family.
The leading cause of pedophilia worldwide.. Sexy kids.
The teacher asked her class, "Who can make a sentence containing 'defense', 'defeat', and 'detail'?" Little Johnny puts up his hand and says, "Defeat of de dog went over defense before detail"
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don't have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Dolphins are really smart. Within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and feed them.
What is the collective term for rams crossed with llamas who work as Avon representatives?? Rama llama ding dongs
What do Disney movies and coathangers have in common? They can both bring out the child from within.
What do you call a vicar on a motorbike? Rev
Did you hear about Charlie Sheens new TV show? It's called Two and a Half T Cells.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I'm definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
A Jewish boy asked his father to borrow fifty dollars... "Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page! Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I wanted to tell you a joke about my favourite Michael Jackson album but it's Bad
Did you hear the one about the man who was run over by a Nissan? He had to pay the altamate price.
I once had a friend addicted to drinking breaker fluid. He said, "I can stop whenever I want."
Why can't a hand be 12 inches long? BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
NSFW Your cock's like Mt. Everest... It's hard to get up
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. ba dum tish!
What do you say to your girlfriend with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.
What do you call saplings in the army? the infantry
What can you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him on a drag! What do you call said dog? Doesn't matter... he's not coming anyway.
Why did the French milkman have to hurry? He was running lait
Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI? A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
Phantom cellphone vibrations are your dead ancestors calling you.
My dad died in Auschwitz He was crushed by a man falling out of a guard tower.
You see, son, when two girls love each other very much and they have a cup...
The worst thing you can do to a woman is to not let her see the picture you just took of her.
I just deleted all the German names from my phone's contacts. Now it's hans free.
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fucking cock.
Give a man some punch and he'll drink for a day. Teach a man to punch and he'll smash your face in for using this joke format again.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
What do you call a hula hoop with a nail on the inside? A Navel Destroyer.
What do you call it when a jewish submarine operator is discriminated against for being gay? Subjugation.
When cannibals ate missionary When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
They said I should follow my dreams So I went back to sleep.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I can't tell if I'm an alcoholic or a necrophiliac... ... I just love to crack open a cold one every once in a while.
Like a princess A man takes his girlfriend out on a date, and as they are leaving he says "I'm going to treat you like a princess". So they jump in his Mercedes and he drives into a wall.
What's a kkk members favorite beverage? White power aid.
What's the difference.... What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? At least when you're eating pussy, you can see the asshole in front of you.
How do you call a gay person from Russia? Sergei.
If you leave your house with one leg, that's going out on a limb.
[on a date] HER: any accomplishments? ME: yeah, i'm an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog... liker HER: awww
Q: Why do divorced men get married again? A: Bad memory.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
General Lee didn't have kids? A parent Lee not.
Why can't Spongebob make the honor roll? Because he's a C sponge!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Father wakes up his son and asks him a question. What has 4 legs and isn't alive? It's a chair dad... Why are you bothering me with this?! No Jimmy, it's your dog...
I was trying to make a text art dinosaur today. I can't ever get the teeth right. I only seem to be able to do them ASCII-dentally.
What happened to the ghost who went to a party?  He had a wail of a time.
Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
The hardest part about coaching Little League is remembering not to say, "MOTHERFUCKER FIRST FUCKING BASE GODDAMMIT SHIT!!!" all the time.
Mary had a little lamb... Boy, was she surprised.
There are two types of people in this world... Those who hate clowns, and clowns.
Why did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space.
Do me a faver? Look at any object near you k now imagen its a diferent thing how was youre experience? i imagened pencil is baseball
*goes to grocery store *puts "gently used" sticker on all their cucumbers
I wanted to have a threesome... but then i realized, if I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time I'd just have dinner with my parents.
Hey baby..are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids in you
Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.
[Phone rings] Babysitter: Hello? Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs. Babysitter: Wha.. What's upstairs? Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
Today I am the C.E.O of the "I Don't Give A Sh*t" Committee........ We Are Hiring
How do you turn a link on r/jokes purple? You choke the shit out of him
What do you call a teacher who's always late for school? Mr Bus.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I'm running late to a concert and I'm the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I'm sick of numbers defining who I am. * My GPA * My weight * My 1st degree murder convictions * My grades * My SAT scores These things are not who I am.
Whats the difference between reddit and hell? Hell *fires* bad people
What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor.
The grass is always greener, but usually because it's synthetic AstroTurf.
What's the difference between a twitcher and a stutterer? One's a bird watcher and the other's a word botcher!
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.
Femenist Social studies... Why did the femenist fail her social studies class? She didn't wanna learn his story....
I've been happily married for four years out of a total of 10.
i know we have cell phones and the internet, but i kinda expected the world to look like Tron by now.
What would the world be like without women? A real pain in the ass!
I've just bought a car that parks itself. Oh really? And where it is? I have no fucking idea.
My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.
What do you get if you cross a drummer with Mike Tyson? A beatboxer.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Hey, are you -273.15C? Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.
You may have the last laugh now, but we'll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you
Did you hear about the fire at the sprinkles factory? Hundreds and thousands were reported missing.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza? british guy: tea british waiter: jolly good choice [both laugh britishingly]
What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track - all straight!
Went to a KKK meeting the other day... It was a load of white sheet.
Attractive women with no personality are like clear skies on a 10 degree day. Looks good in pictures, but no one wants to live with it.
Trying to make a collage for my preschooler's art project using magazine cut-outs, but I keep ending up with ransom notes.
What is a 72? A 69 with 3 people watching.
What do you call a dress that refuses to learn? Clothes-minded.
What's the diffrence between Math and Emos? Math problems actually exist
I hate being bipolar... But it's also pretty awesome sometimes.
Whenever I shake someone's hand as I meet them and they say "The pleasure's all mine." I quickly look to see where their other hand is.
Why did the mathematician ignore the tan lady on the beach? He was too concerned with the tan gent.
WTF is a palindrome? No it isn't.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus ... Zayda Ate a Bagel
phlegm I used to work in a seafood restaurant where my specialty was clam chowder. I got fired when I got over my cold
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and Scotsman? The Rolling Stones say "Hey, you, get off of my cloud." A Scotsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."
Did you know that Helen Keller lived in a huge mansion? Neither did she
I recently bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer... I dunno what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!
[checks window] [locks door] [starts to tweet] shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
What do you do to an aggressive vegan? Shove your meat in their face.
What is one of the funniest simple joke you have ever heard? Literally... made you die laughing e.g. Why did the monkey fall of the tree? bc it died e.g. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
When someone's ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes. We'll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I go to the gym so infrequently that I still call it the James.
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new  car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
can a women make you a millionaire? yes,if you are a billionaire!
What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens....hold on, I have a list.
Canadian and a American watching a movie Canadian: Lets watch a movie. American: Have you seen Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank.
What is Mozart doing right now? Any one else get that pm? /u/jokinglikeabot
How do you annoy a Worldnews redditor? Comment after reading the article.
What did one stegosaurus say to the other stegosaurus? "There's a sale on at the fern store!"
Today my friend got a new downstairs neighbor. Herpes
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like... bananas!
Victims of successfull murder attempts: whats your story? Serious replies only.
Discipline in the Home by Wilma Child-Begood
What kind of genie only grants wishes to men? A misogenie.
Why did the stoner take his wife to court? He wanted to get joint custody.
How was the grand canyon formed? A Jew dropped a penny down a gopher hole
I heard the Energizer Bunny got arrested the other day... Yea he got charged with "battery".
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver? Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows Yeah, I know it's old....
It's kinda bullshit that carpenter ants can't even build IKEA furniture.
If the 2008 election was about Hope and Change, what is 2016? Fear and Loathing.
What is brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
My girlfriend told me she wanted a ring. So I said "Bitch, take your phone off silent!"
roses are red... Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have alzheimers, cheese on toast.
What do you call an average guy who's happy? Fake and gay
"Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You're getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!" - the Abdominal Snowman
When a man talks dirty to a woman... The man is charged for sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, He's also charged $3.95 per minute.
Jeremy Clarkson is like Marmite Disgusting
Why are lesbians such poor cooks? Because they love to eat out.
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? He was a fungi. Why did he end up leaving the party? There wasn't mushroom.
I was going to watch a documentary on the Malaysian Airlines But I couldn't find it.
Why were Kay's pets scared of Kay? because... K8 K9
I thought I had a fantastic cheese joke... But it wasn't very Gouda.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex's car.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
What do call a man who swims the Atlantic with no arms and no legs Clever Dick
Tomorrow is bring your hangover to work day.
How do you spell "we" with two letters  without using the letters W and E? U and I.
I drank a bottle of vodka tonight and I was feeling Russian Russian to bed
My atheist friend let out a sneeze... "Damn you," I responded.
Do nomads ever get angry?
What's the longest word in the English language? Smiles. There's a mile between the s's.
What do the jews use to browse the internet? NethanYahoo!
So a man walks into a... All you just got to do is finish it.
Me: I'm so over him Vodka: No you're not, you should text him Me: Really? Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*runs into dental hygienist in store* Me: How are you? Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth* Me: Not so easy huh
So when you play a wind instrument.... Do you suck, or blow? My Dad made that one up, so I can't take the credit :P
I pulled my groin the other day.. .. It felt so good, I pulled it one more time.
How many copies can you make of a page without a copying machine? Xero.
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
I saw a midget insect having his first orgasm... It was a little beecoming.
An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job... No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer
What's the difference between oooo and aaaa? about 3 inches
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was out standing in his field
How long is one minute? It depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
*Alcohol kills germs. *Vodka is alcohol. *Flu is germs. *Vodka kills the flu. *You're welcome!
What do you call a dog in a bun? A subwoofer.
What starts with Y and ends with a D? You're gonna get raped!
A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling. Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.
What do you call a line of Mexicans buried across the border? A spicket fence
So I was talking to a Christian mother We were talking and she said "I tell my kids Santa doesn't exist, I don't want them to believe in stuff that isn't real."
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ? A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
I want to grab some Mexican tonight and then maybe have some dinner with him
Did you hear about the Mexican train robber? He really had loco-motives.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no known comeback.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana's purse.
A Roman walks into a bar... ...holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please".
They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer.... So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.
Jesus dropped out of medical school. I hear he got nailed on the boards.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.
I just got scammed by a hacker from Cairo... I guess you could say I've been E-gipped.
My wife is SO immature... I was upstairs taking a bath, and she walks in, and for NO REASON WHATSOEVER she sunk all my boats.
What does Tony Romo and a porn star have in common? They both know how to choke.
What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson. One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy
Technically, a bus driver is anyone who drives a bus, Officer.
In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.
Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man? The Book of Job.
What do you call a guy who watches child porn on the dark web? A Tor pedo.
Heard on the radio and could not resist repeating... "My ex-girlfriend never asked me use a condom." "Because she was on the pill." "Ambien."
You can tell the toothbrush was invented in Alabama if it was invented anywhere else, it would've been called the teeth brush.
Ladies: If he's right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
How can you spell chilly with two letters? IC (icy) .
So my girlfriend's sign was Cancer. which is quite ironic considering how she died. She was attacked by a giant crab...
What do you call a Muslim with a kebab? A kaBOMB...*hah*
Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.
Based on the things my kid will and won't eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
How do you confuse a straight person? Tell them they're straight.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
A chemist walks into a bar and orders a glass of h2o... The next guy in line says, "I'll have a glass of h2o, too." He died shortly after.
Whats the difference between a midget and a bigot? One is small and the Other is small minded!
How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? [Answer here!](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2q2uaq/how_many_karma_whores_does_it_take_to_change_a/)
How do you know that a plane from the UK has landed? An hour after its landed its still whining.
How fast do lesbians have sex? Lickety-split.
What do you get when you take the circumference of a jack'olantern? Pumpkin pie!
Reports are in that Hugo Chjavez has died....hmmmmm  Saddam Hussein  Osama Bin Ladden  Moammar Gadhafi Kim Jong IL  Fidel Castro Hugo Chavez  Not good times for my Fantasy Dictator League...
My cowboy friends phone froze on gindr the other day He kept asking "Why can't I quit you"
My workout schedule: 1. Run half mile 2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights 3. 35 year break 4. Protein shake 5. Repeat
What do you call on-again off-again snow in Michigan? Inter-mitten.
Two rules for success 1. Never reveal everything you know
Do bakers get depressed...? Or do they just experience extreme self-loaving?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, "Go home you're drunk!" Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I wanted to gift my brother a drum set... ...but I decided to keep it for myself. **badum tss**
What's the hardest part about roller-skating? Telling your parents you're gay.
What do you call someone that lives next a horse? Their neighbor
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday.
i stand up too fast fromthe toilet and some warm pee lands on my phone activiting the touch screen & texts the word 'autumn' to my aunt
So desperate for some action, I might just crash a frat party and roofie my own drink tonight.
why couldn't mrs. claus get pregnant? santa only comes once a year and when he does it's down a chimney...
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said "I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle"
My husband just got to level three on netflix: "faking an illness" to finish binge watching I'm on level 6: "faking your own abduction"
Big GTA 5 bug A cop killed my white character in GTA 5. Anyone else experiencing this bug?
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
I'm totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Doctor I swallowed a PEN!!! Doctor, Doctor I swallowed a PEN, WHAT DO I DO? Doctor: Use a pencil...
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
If the BeeGees are 'staying alive' so much then how come they're all dead.
Have you heard of the new fishing net technology that is 300% more effective? cod damn it
Why won't anti vaxers ever win an election? All their supporters are home with sick kids
All of Jesus' disciples were big and muscular Because Jesus was their whey
What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat? The wheelchair.
Why don't golf courses ever serve sandwiches? They always turn out to be sub par.
"911 whats your emerge-" I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
"Whats your biggest weakness?" "I'm bad at taking compliments" "Actually that's quite endearing" *Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Why doesn't Bono like Google? He still hasn't found what he's looking for.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Whiteboards. They're remarkable.
There are lots of reasons to hate the Nazis. Mine? They didn't finish the job.
I take my coffee like I take my women... From behind
Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple. 
How to ruin a helpful solution you gave to a friend that needed help. End with "Your mom is actually really hot"
Two do list: -Do -Do
Why Did Hitler Quit Drinking? It made him angry.
What do you call a parent an a transsexual A transparent
Ellen Pao's credibility after VictoriaGate Oh wait, she never had any.
Stop Hammertime
Where does Obama keep his armies? In the Baracks.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I Like my women like i like my elevators.... If I push their buttons, they'll go down.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it's a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Pacifist I'll pass a fist right through your fuckin' face nigga.
Don't be silly, I'm not objectifying women. I'm not sexually attracted to objects.
So, saw a couple of transgenders dressed up as super-heroes.. May be Ex-Men
What's the difference between my ex and my toaster? It only takes 120 volts to turn on my toaster.
Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?" She replied: "Beats the hell outta me" Edit: holy shit front page, thanks guys
What's supposed to be funny, but let's you down? This joke...
Why was the maths book sad? It had too many problems.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
We could use Thor and his hammer to solve all our energy problems... I see the headlines already "Earth powered by Generathor".
[turns to buddy just before bar fight] "I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja"
After watching the Olympics, a little boy says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be like Ryan Lochte!" She says, "Honey, you can't have it both ways."
What did the fish say when he accidentally swam into a wall? Oh dam
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? RUN! She's got a grenade in her mouth!
eer booze and fun!' 'A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender replies "Sorry we don't serve food here".
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Only Juan.
Text REDCROSS to a girl and be like" oops wrong number, I was trying to donate for the 5th time today" then she'll sex you guaranteed.
I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.
I used to have phone sex now I have hearing aids
Whats the opposite of nickle back? Bill front (Money jokes i got em)
Gross fact: Taco Bell burritos contain less than 10% real bell
"You always overreact and make things dramatic. It's really annoying." *raises megaphone to lips* How so?
I hate playing chess with Australian players Every check is a check, mate.
Vladimir Putin didn't want anyone to find his collection of pornography, so he set his browser history to privyet.
2017 won't be all bad For the few people living just the right distance away from the nuclear strikes,the radiation will cure their cancer.
"Get a load of this guy!"- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
It's not God I dislike, He's cool. it's certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I was playing chess with my Australian friend He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate". I replied and said, "you didn't win though?" Confused he said, "mate, I know."
Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
"The Sun is dying. We need help" the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades "It's daylight savings time"
I tell my daughter she has no idea how lucky she is. When I was 12, I had to use a pay phone and walk 10 miles in the snow to get weed
I used to steal jokes I still do, but I used to too
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
The worlds best ninjas comes from Iceland Anyone actually seen an Icelandic ninja?
What starts with "M" ends with "arriage" and recently made me the happiest man on earth? Miscarriage
Did you hear about the fire at the campground? It was in tents
Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar ? He wanted sweet and sour pork !
"Woo, I'm on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I hired a prostitute to indulge my food fetish. She said that for $500 we could spend the night licking food off each other's bodies, although if I wanted guacamole it was $1.80 extra.
France and Italy are in a battle against each other. Who wins? Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides.
When you're trying to kill a clown... Go for the jugular.
How much penis? Soooo much penis.
Next year for Halloween I think I will be a dead chrysanthemum.... Then when people ask "WTF are you", I will reply and say "I am a chrysanthemummy!"
I was just looking in the mirror this morning, thinking about who I was. I suppose you could say I was reflecting.
Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian Well, nobody's laughing now
How many koalas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Technically just one, as long as he's koalafied.
What do you call a woman who has a lot of sex? Her name.
[my fitness dvd] ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind
I dropped two bucks yesterday... Third one got away.
a useful hat is also a handicap
Don't commit suicide by jumping off a building or they might report it as a parkour accident.
Why did the bolt in the ceiling have to go to therapy? Because it was screwed up!
That boy is so dirty the only time he washes his  ears is when he eats watermelon.
How Many Hispanics Does It Take To Hold Up A Roof? Just Juan....
Guys: What should you do if you drop your wallet in San Francisco? Kick that shit to Oakland!!
The swimsuit portion of the presidential election is going to suck.
Anti-joke Knock knock Who's there? No
What do you call a black priest? Holy shit!
AT&T; always treats me like I have no shirt and no shoes.
What do you call a black priest? Holy shit.
So a skeleton walks into a bar... and asks for a beer and a mop
Damn son are you a girl? BECAUSE OTHERISE WHY YOU NO DOCTAH YET?!
Numbers don't lie but they don't tell the truth either. They're NUMBERS.
How many contradictory Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nein.
I want to start body building. I just need to find out where hospitals put the cadavers.
What did Batman say at the deli? Got ham?
What do ya call an overweight Scottish pigeon .... A fat coo... Im here all week.
What does the pirates 5 trailer and the iPhone 7 have in common? There's no jack
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
I bought a gallon of Wite-Out the other day.... Big mistake.
why was six afraid of seven? because seven beats his wife thoroughly and brutally in front of six
Getting directions from Donald Trump is a lot like checking the hour on an analogue clock Always pay attention to where the little hand is pointing
Don't judge me. Judge Judy.
How many Poaz does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?. None she is the joke
No no, I'm not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
How did the trout become a symbol for Christianity? Easy. By dropping "trou"
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Boys are like bras.. They are cute and supportive until you use them too long and then they fall apart... ...also that's when the support ends
Trump doesn't like Pence Because he loves walls.
Spider dick Today I read that spiders like dark, damp, untouched places. Today I realized my dick is a spider.
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What has two legs but can't walk? A dead duck.
Peanuts Two peanuts are walking down the street, one was assaulted... ...peanut.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? Because if they fell forward they'd still be on the boat. :D
My 16: "How come when my friends come over you're suddenly the nicest mom in the world?"
If you got on a bus with a bunch of gay guys would you stay on or would you get off?
[deathbed] Son....come closer "Yes dad?" We need a new man of the house "I'd-" *presses fake mustache into his hands* Give this to your sister
DRIVING ON HIGHWAY Wife: You just missed a right. Me: Thanks babe  you just MRS right.
What did the green light say to the red light? I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn't.
A Jewish man walks up to an Asian man... The Jewish man says "Hey, your eyes are really squinted, must be hard for you to see, huh!" The Asian man says "Well at least I can see my grandparents."
Why are emo people so good at ping-pong? Because they are well practiced in cutting.
I just don't know where I stand on masturabation... I mean, on one hand it feels good, but on the other hand it feels bad.
Don't join dangerous cults Practice safe sects
[speed dating] HER: So what do you- ME: How fast can you order a pizza? HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Butter Joke There's a brick of butter and a fly, the fly was stuck on the butter. The fly says to the butter "Hey butter , why don't you fly." The butter says "Because I'm not a Butterfly!"
Donald "Pharmabro" Trump: He wwebsite as on the internet!
For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii... ...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.
What is yellow and lives off dead Beatles? Yoko Ono
What do you call a starving robot from space? A C3POpian
My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.
What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers? An oxymormon.
What is the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut? 2-3 weeks tops.
I knew that psychic wasn't legit when she let me write a check.
Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet? Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny
Why are pirates funny? Because they Arrrr (Yes I know its cheesier than my feet)
Why are goldfish crackers always smiling? Because they're baked..
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Comcast's Customer Service ba dum tsss
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent
How chi was the Olympics? So chi
What does a duck call a tractor? A Quakter
What's grandma's favorite seasoning? Old Bae
Five emos in a room A study has shown that if you put five emos in a room, one of them will eventually kill himself because he wont have a corner to cry in.
Did you hear about the guy with the invisible penis? He came out of nowhere.
What do you call a shitty bungalow? Dungalow.
My fat friend, who always says I'm cheating when I roll so much as a 16, just rolled a perfect 20. Ugh, I fucking hate hippo-crits.
Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers? They tend to punch up the fuckline
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? A: An offer you can't understand.
The asian girl I'm playing chess against is really hot, you might say she's worth a... *puts on sunglasses* "Second rook"
Killed my first 8 point buck of the season! But it was with the front end of my truck so fuck my life...
Coworker: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: It's hum.. [30 min later] Cop: So you stapled his lips?
What do you call a woman with boobs on her back? I don't know, but she would sure be fun to dance with.
what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
One day my GPS is gonna say, "You should know this one by now" and shut off.
I like my women how I like my coffee... Bought online.
I sometimes miss people I love quite a bit... But my aim is getting better.
You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Religion  because thinking for yourself is hard.
What's the difference between family bonding and family bondage? One is forced and borderline torture, the other is sex.
Why did Microsoft go from windows 8 to 10 Because 7 8 9
How does Lady Gaga like her meat? Raw Raw Rawhahaha...
What do you call a married knot? Monotonous. Bonus answer from my wife: a noose.
I am Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten: 1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aida ! Aida who ? Aida more than I drink !
My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died She got squashed by a giant fucking crab
A Freudian Slip is... when you say one thing but mean your mother.
What are Donald Trumps least favorite food? Mexican jumping beans
Doctor Frankenstein If Doctor Frankenstein ever opens a cheese shop, he should name it 'Frankenstein's Muenster'
"The floor is lava" -Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D.
If zombies attack I'm heading south, most of those people don't have teeth.
God must have really liked saturn
An American guy ends up in the hospital with an Australian doctor Feeling very weak and dizzy, the patient asked: -Did I come here to die? -No, you came here yesterday.
What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.
I love how coffee tricks me into believing I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes
Black joke What did god say when he made a balck guy? Oh shit I burnt one
[Knock at door] MAN: Hello I'm here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I'm here to talk about bondage ME: Do come in
An idea came to the mind, and now she's searching for the brain.
Learn cursive, they said. You'll need it your whole life, they said.
What do you call an insect that talks under its breath? A mumble bee
What do your mom and a hockey team have in common? They both go three periods without a shower.
I held a solipsist party at my house yesterday Everyone was there.
The people who think Obamacare is failing thought George W. Bush was succeeding.
Some people need therapy. ... The rest of us just know how to conceal evidence
Why do men snore when they sleep on their back? Because their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.
hear about the gay indian? he's a brave sucker....
Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed? BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS!!!!!
How do Alaska CB radio operators say  "10-4"? "5-5-2-2."
Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny Jesus:HAHA I got you! Judas: So glad this is our last supper Jesus: what? Judas: what?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming "SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR"
Corny Deadpool joke Wolverine has DirecTV. Deadpool has Cable.
I like to play chess with old bald men at the park. ..Although its hard to find 32 of them
Why didnt the shrimp let anyone else eat? He was being SHELLFISH
If the sheets are still on the bed when it's over, you're doing it wrong.
My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot  finish bottom ? Captain: Well it could have been worse. Manager: How ? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league !
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
Thanks for the holiday photo! I can't believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!
How many? How many elephants can you fit into a Matterbooboo? "What's a Matterbooboo?" Nothing Yogi.
I got my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. I know it's not the greatest gift in the world, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
Lance Armstrong finally admitted to doping... ...at least he had the ball to admit it.
If your Uncle Jack was stuck on a roof Would you help your Uncle Jack off?
Racist marathoners only run 3Ks.
*stops next to punks at red light* *stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music* *light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.
I don't go back to my hometown very often because I've burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The past, present and future walk into a room. It got all tense.
I read that a couple from New Jersey named their baby Adolf Hitler. They should be ashamed, New Jersey is no place to raise a kid.
What do you call a Serbian who won't clean his room? Novak.
What's worse than two babies in a dumpster? A baby in two dumpsters.
Good cop: u want a drink? Good cop 2: I love your shirt Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[Starbucks] What can I get you? I'll have a large coffee, black "You don't have to say black" I'll have a large coffee, African American
When it comes to cooking herb-crusted fish... ...there's a thyme and a plaice.
If you're happy and you know it please don't burden me with your fucking joy.
What do you call a Greek skydiver? Condescending
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Reddit is really a green community Consisting all the recycled content on here.
DOG 911: what's the emergency? DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can't find it DOG 911: did u check his hand? DOG: of course I checked hiDAMMIT
What is the best way of stopping infection  from witch bites ? Don't bite any witches !
I just want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa... Not like the passengers in his car who were screaming quite loudly.
A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?" ... she says: "That was a pretty wild orgy, be glad you don't bark"
Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
I was walking down the street When I ran into Oedipus; so I said, "what's up motherf**ker?
What's blue and doesn't fit any more? A dead epileptic.
What do disgusting people eat? Groceries.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ashley ! Ashley who ? Ashley-t's foot !
Yeah, I am one of those people who've had milk with whiskey. My mother used to drink a lot post pregnancy.
Never marry a drummer... they beat things for a living.
What's the art of having multiple personalities? Acting
My buddy has an inability to visualize feces He can't see shit
Catching imaginary characters "How much time do you waste catching imaginary characters on your phone" my father said to me as I was playing Pokemon Go. And then he left for the temple.
What did the U.S president say before starting WW3? Nukes... You're fired!
I'm in a joint World Cup/NCAA Bracket pool. I have Portugal/Wofford/Belize/Kansas/Mexico/Wofford/Qatar in my Sweet Seven.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police... He's now a seasoned veteran.
Why are the silent majority actually Hillary supporters? Because they're dead.
I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia.
What do you call Abby who lives in the city? Downtown Abby
Why did the IT Admin marry Sally? She had a 19" rack.
Well, you know what they say about cliffhangers...
I've come from the future to let you know the Chilean miners will be OK, and that we haven't yet perfected time travel.
"Check engine" Yep, it's still there.
When someone tries to argue with me I'm like "hey pal let me stop you right there" and then physically turn them around to face someone else
"Sit down. I've got some bad news." (Every Milkman's boss 30 years ago)
Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Wife: Silent Me: What's wrong? Wife: Nothing Me: Grabs shield and sword
Made up my own joke today when visiting my brother. I like my coffee like I like my woman. Made by your grandmother. Yes we do your mamma jokes even though we're brothers.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I don't want to peanut butter my dick up your ass.
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinners on me!
What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire? "Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."
What happens when you force two mirrors to confront each other A bit of self reflection. Baziiing
British Synonyms As we know, the British say ''Bloody hell'' when something goes wrong. A synonym for ''Bloody Hell'' is ''Period''.
I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. But i realised a sit-down comedian was more comfortable.
Why does Gru speak with an accent? Because he's Arminion.
I don't think I'm ready for the emotional commitment of ordering a Happy Meal.
Guess who doesn't want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
A second Limerick There was a young man from Nantucket, With a dick so long he could suck it, As he wiped of his chin, He said with a grin, If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it
BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
How do you tell a joke about ISIS? It's all about the execution
I see you've chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
A Mexican magician tells an audience he can disappear at the could of three. He counts "One, two, *poof*" He disappeared without a tres.
(My 99 y/o Jewish grandma told me this joke tonight and I have never heard it before) - "Why was Abraham Lincoln Jewish?" Because he was shot in the temple.
What do you call a fish without an eye? A Fsh
I got in touch with my inner self today... That's the last time I buy 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store!
What's the best part about taking a shower with an 11 year old girl? If you slick her hair back, she looks like an 8 year old boy.
What's black, white, and red all over? A newspaper.
What do you call a Christian who comes to your door to sell you vacuum cleaners? A Jehoover's Witness
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you're usage
I went to the store to get six cans of sprite... ...But when I got home I discovered that I'd picked 7-up.
Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails? She was always using fowl language.
If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.
Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.
When I Die When I die, I want my last words to be "I left a million dollars under the..."
"It's terminal-" GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE? "Departure time is in three hours." THREE? WHAT DO I DO? "This is an airport." SO WHAT? I'M DYING!
If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?
What do you call an immoral lesbian citizen of Rivendell who hosts a talk-variety show and lacks character? An elven degenerate.
What do you call a fox with one leg? Terry :D
My dad told me I was no son of his. Then my mom said "Dammit how did he know?"
Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.
Why does DMX hate sweatshirts? he dunno where the hood at
What's the opposite to Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken!
Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "we don't serve your type in here."
I heard they're releasing a new yoyo for more formal events It's going to be called a welcomewelcome.
Never fall in love with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?! Seriously? You're 10 years old." "..." "Beer before liquor, never sicker. NEVER. SICKER."
Bar joke What has two thumbs an craves a blow job? This guy!
Did you hear about the guy who had ADD and schizophrenia? He heard voices, but could never pay attention long enough to them to do anything crazy.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
My friend H has some good jokes But hes almost always silent.
What do the mafia and a vagina have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
The real reason OP never delivers..
I just bought a pair of Nike's from a drug dealer. (other brands are available) I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all night.
A truck driver almost crashed into a dam Son that was close!!! Nope? :( ok I'll shut up...
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
What does a Muslim have if they hate their god? An Allahgy
I got caught peeing in the pool the other day The lifeguard yelled at me so loud that I almost fell in.
What does a Mathematician say when he eats too much pie? (-1/64)
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child? Eric Clapton would never let a small bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
What do you call a Black Abortion clinic? Crime Stoppers.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture. -.-
(nsfw)A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
A jewish boy goes up to his father and says "Abba, I need 40 dollars." The father looks surprised and says " THIRTY DOLLARS? What do you need Twenty dollars for?"
My old physics professor: Times flies when you're having fun, Or as frogs say, times fun when you're having flies... That was a long semester
American Ginny Thrasher won gold in the Olympic shooting contest. When asked where she learned her skills "in school" she replied.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We're redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Why is the man with the world record largest penis so depressed? He just didn't fit in.
Hey Can_ZigZag: what did one burning bush say to the other? Ain't no way they're makin' a fuel out of me!
Teacher to Student...? Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. The student: I walk. You walk .... The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run ...
What do you call a boxer with an upset stomach? Gaseous Clay
I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. Now I'm taking this shit to the next level.
It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up. How do you get down from an elephant?? YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!
What would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if you asked him his favorite holiday? "You have to love easter, baby." (OC)
The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... "Hail, Satan"
I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body But then my mother gave birth
What do you call Kanye dressed as Kermit? I don't know, but it's not Yeezy being green.
Married for money... Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked? Wife: That I married you for your money!
Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.
What do rabbis call the leftovers of a circumcision? Debris.
Bobby Flay's sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.
Friday night. Friday night- Cant get fucked- Women are sluts or too stuck up- Cant grab pussy- Cant get head - If it werent for lotion Id shoot myself dead
Why are round bales of hay illegal? Because cows can't get a square meal.
Did you hear the popular pickle? He's kind of a big dill.
Everytime I listen 'freudien slip' I always think in my ... ... psychology classes. And you ?
Whats the difference between your wife and your  job? After 10 years the job still sucks.
I'm so lonely I bought a plane ticket just for the airport pat down.
What do you call the spaces between the bits on a comb? Hair-vents.
I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
Found a concert that costs 45 cents! ..... It's 50cent and Nickelback /mikedrop
Did you hear about the Irish guy who had fun in Limerick? Well its been 2 whole years; Rick and him are still going strong
What do you call a foreigner who is obsessed with Chinese culture? A zhuologist
*Checks out grocery item* Grocery item: "I have a boyfriend."
Whoever decided on the color white for underpants was an idiot.
She said no! *sobs tears of joy* -me after proposing
Say what you will about terrorists, but those guys really know how to paint the town red.
What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs? Matt. No arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
"THIS SUB CAN'T EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW!!!"-what i just screamed in subway as i spit black olives all over a 7 year old.
ARCTIC HOOKER Q: What is a hooker in Alaska called? A: A frostitute.
I fucked a fat woman in an elevator.. It was wrong on so many levels
What's the difference between a tropical beach and a priest? One gets sun on your skin and the other gets skin on your son.
What do you call a feminist that raps about women's rights? Feminem
At the water cooler, just "accidentally" splashed my pants to hide some pee. This Christmas, I'll give the office a chocolate fountain.
Two Men Were Hunting Buffalo One put his ear to the ground He lifted his head up and said "Buffalo come" The other said "How do you know?" He said "ear sticky"
What do you call a Totalitarian ass who remixes other people's speeches? D.J. T-Rump
If all of Ireland sank, what part of it wouldn't? County Cork
Wait, you've got 99 bottles of beer on the wall? A. You should be refrigerating those, not putting them on a wall. B. You are an alcoholic.
A young jewish boy asks his father for $50 His father replies: "$40? what do you need $30 for?"
Why don't people like to play uno with Mexicans? Because they always steal the green cards....
What does a horny man living in Northern Russia need? He needs two jacket.
What do you call a naked skateboarder? A scab.
Brake fluid I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
Knock Knock Who's there ! An author ! An author who ? An author joke like this and I'm off !
They don't set the bar very high in Ireland... It makes the leprechauns angry.
What is Stewie Griffin's least favorite Fallout weapon? The Fat Man.
Which dog looks like a cat? A police dog in disguise.
Personally I feel Romeo and Juliet could have handled the situation better.
This could be the Alcohol talking but.... OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
A man with authority walks into a bar... Orders everyone a round
Why did the Libertarian cross the road? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! AM I BEING DETAINED?
If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??
What did the gamer say when he assassinated the Pope? 360 NO POPE!!!!
There's a hole in my sock but atleast there's not a sock in my hole
I don't like lollipop ladies... They make me cross.
Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers? Click Turpin
2016 got me like I had no expectations, still didn't meet my expectations.
How many Mexicans does it take to build a.... never mind, they're done
The agony of dyslexia I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend last night. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him: "You idiot!" "You're supposed to turn your clock back!
To all my haters. First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
What's the difference between beekeeping and falconry? Falconers have to be more talon-ted
dont judge a book by its cover. dont judge a book at all. read a book. write a book. dont judge a book unless that book has murdered someone
Britain should have written a break up note "It's not EU, it's me"
Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler... (Fixed) Because she is black.
What do you call a bee that comes from US? USB !! sorry, I am going to shoot myself now!
When do cows go to sleep? When it's pasture bedtime
My boss always gets angry at me when we golf together, for some reason. All I do is compliment him on his subpar golfing skills
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
what's the most impressive thing about tom cruise performing his own stunts? he does it in heels
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
What title do a sandwich and an occupation in the porn industry share? The Fluffernutter.
Whats the point in picking up a bag of pills... ...if you are just going to drop them?
Where did Stephen Hawking find his wife The vegetable isle
What did Quasimodo say while being whipped Beats me, but I have a hunch!
Today's assignment: Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them "Have you seen this person?" and pull out a picture of yourself
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Why do ducks try to avoid eating out? They're always stuck with a bill.
TIFU I'm like a 4/10 and she was a total 9.
It is not ok to joke about menstruation. Period.
*on a 1st date* Her:..and I have 3 cats Me: Swipe left H: Did you say "swipe left"?! M: H: M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I hope that someday we can live in a world without plagiarism. You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.
Two Irishmen walk out of a pub.
Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic dyslexic? He was up all night wondering if there was a dog.
COP: You're under arrest for owning a non-domesticated animal. ME:(looks at otter)You mean Dave? COP:...and for this weed ME: That's Dave's
Dark humor is like food Only some people get it
Oscar Pistorious wanted to get his bathroom door replaced But his wife was dead against it
kids telling dirty jokes http://www.vice.com/series/kids-telling-dirty-jokes best. shit. ever.
What do people hate about CEOs of big internet companies? They act too paowerful
What did the Banana say to the Monkey? Yo You peel me?
There's way too much nudity on TV programs these days... I just sit there shaking my fist at them.
Why did the sea-monster eat 5 ships filled with potatoes? Because no one can eat just one potato ship.
What does an inexperienced public speaker and a pizza place with high workers have in common? They both have problems with delivery.
Not Your Father's Root Beer Me: Hey dad. Is this yours? Dad: No.
I had a joke about eating girls out... but apparently it left a bad taste in too many people's mouths, so I had to delete it.
Punchline... Joke...
Why I love duct tape? It can turn "No, no no!" into "mmph, mmmph, mmmph"
I don't want to spoil my autobiography for you. But at the end, you find out that you've just wasted 4.99.
So a man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a piece of shrink wrap... The doctor looks up and says; "I can clearly see your nuts."
What do you call a vegan wizard? A soyceror.
What do you call an undetectable black man? Incognegro I'll see myself out
A man posts an original joke to http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes
My new neighbor's super hot but I haven't tried to take her out yet... When I checked the oven, she wasn't quite done.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?
I didn't really want to go to the seafood buffet... ...but I just went for the halibut
Cherish your high school friendships, those people will be strangers for the rest of your life.
My gf was a virgin until recently ;) Too bad I still am.
Johnny was a chemists son.... Johnny was a chemist's son, But Johnny is no more, What Johnny thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.
My girlfriends parents are very religious. The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
Did you know that beer contains female hormones? It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car. All apologies to the fairer sex.
women rights
Q: Why is the banana the most popular fruit? A: Because of its appeal.
Hello, you've reached 1-800-NARCISSIST, how can you help me?
What goes "Clip"? A one legged horse!
White Girl What do a white girl and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a  trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
I thought they'd named a loaf of bread after one of my exes then I realised it said Thick Cut
My alcohol addiction was so bad i used to drink hand sanitiser! Im clean now!
Try this: In a crowded hallway, say out loud, "Oh my god look at the blood on her pants." Whatever girl turns around is on her period..
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10, then it's a cat.
Santa probably regrets giving coal Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I used to have a job circumcising elephants.. It was shit work but the tips were massive.
What symphony is a pedophiles favorite? Mozarts' Flute in A minor
I'm texting random phone numbers with "I just saw your Facebook Status. LOL"!
I like my coffee like I like my ships. Full of semen.
Why isn't Spiderman in the Avengers? Because a black widow has no husband.
What would you call Hitler if he had a child? A DILF
Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans can't milk a cow for 14 years
I know a cannibal who only eats women's genitalia. Sometimes I go over to their house for a clambake.
So the local Spandex store just closed The local spandex store closed down... ... I guess they couldn't expand
math problem that didn't stump the internet 2 girls  1 cup
Why doesn't the Mormon Church have a Tour De France team?
How do u confuse a blonde Tell them to pee in the corner of a silo
A baby seal walked into a club
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
How do you turn on a female mathematician? You Euler up.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Mega thread for Pen Pineapple Apple Pen Jokes. I have a Plane, I have Twin Towers UGH.... Nine Eleven. I think Reddit can come up with better ones!
Have you seen the news about the Seamus Costello Celebrity sex tape? It's all about the star he ploughs.
A guy calls the hospital and says... "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" To which he replies, "No! This is her fucking husband!"
People love making jokes about camouflage but I just don't see the humor.
If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking or cursing, it involves less of me.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don't watch.
Black humor never gets old ...just like african people
What would the most depressing game show be? Biggest Loser: All-Stars.
Her: Let's go see 50 Shades of Grey Me: Tonight? Her: Yes [After the movie] Her: OMG that was so hot! Me: Mom, please just stop talking
In my house "no" means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Elon Musk has decided to abandon his dream of going to Mars and pursue a career in perfume sales. In honor of the canceled Mars program he will be debuting 'SpaceAxe', a signature Elon "Musk".
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they'll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I wish Shaq named his daughter Shaqira.
How many cats sawed in half does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently 10 aren't enough :\
I got caught taking a piss in the swimming pool earlier... The lifeguard shouted so loudly that I nearly fell in!
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo."
How do you find will smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints
What did the French skeleton say before he ate? Bone apetit
The dildo I bought didn't come with instructions But I guess it's just plug-n-play
Reddit creates a joke. Ill start with one word and comment to create a joke in order. One
What do you call a terrorist who's always late? 9/12
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I'll just sign up with a different name. They can't silence the truth.
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
What's Mitt Romney's favorite make of vehicle? A Mack truck, because it already has a little dog on top.
A penis walked into a private club. Thank God he was a member.
A bad Workman blames his fools *tools Fucking autocorrect
I wanted to be a pilot in the air force But they said I didn't have the right altitude.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? He only comes once a year
Why do ducks have big flat feet? To stamp out forest fires.
How do you kill a snail? With an as-salt rifle!
in hindsight, ms. frizzle taking a bus of children inside of an unsuspecting person was not ok. one of those rascals peed in his body.
Why couldn't the chord get into the bar? She was A minor.
Two-thirds of America's Funniest Home Video winners spent their prize money on heroin.
What did the manager of the frankenstein museum say? I'VE CURATED A MONSTER!
What does popcorn and KFC have in common? Greasy, old kernals
What's better than having a garbanzo bean on your face? Having a chickpea on your face.
Why do teenagers want to work for Intel? Core i3, i5, i7... ican't even! Edited from: &gt;They can't even
The 1920 Red Sox were completely ruthless...
I like my women how I like my fish, battered I thought it up in science, so I hope it is a new joke(hopefully) :)
Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!
Black lives matter But only three fifths as much
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Q: What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot? A: A bite in shining armour.
I say "what" a lot, not because I'm hard of hearing, but because I can't believe how stupid some people are
Why cant you trust stairs? they are always up to something...
A farmer has 96 cows. When he rounds them up, he has 100. Title
I decided to vote for the most presidential and least controversial person I saw on the debate last night... So I'm going to vote for Lester Holt.
Just a reminder: please do not post any jokes regarding the German highway system. You will be Autobahn'd.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
"Describe 2016 in 4 words" "That's a tomorrow problem"
Happy times with grandma One day I was eating my grandma out. Suddenly I tasted horse semen. "I thought" Oh yeah, that's how she died.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to "please pull up to the window."
It's funny how trusting of bartenders we are. I wouldn't let my life-long best friend hold my credit card for four hours  while I was getting bombed.
I'm not racist because... I'm not a racist because racism is a crime, And crime is for blacks.
So my friend told me... So my friend told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a watermelon at him.
Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair... the warm pavement on your face...
Bruce Lee's favorite drink Wataaaaa!!!
Your password doesn't remember you either. He moved on. He's someone else's password now.
My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms; my second wife died of a fractured skull... She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
Niantic's customer support minor text fixes Edit: The title **is** the joke.
What happens when a Pokemon goes through puberty? It's bells sprout.
Men are like mascara.  They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
You ever get so drunk you write your social security number in the tip slot on your bar tab?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there's anything good in there*
A horse walk in to a bar A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sir, why the long face."
I've been told the best humour is self deprecating. But I'm rubbish at it.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?... How do you eat with that?
Don't feel sad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Hair so long she accidentally flushed herself down the toilet
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
A kid with a speech impediment spends his entire childhood in speech therapy. Youthless
Indian Election Joke... How can you get one million Indian youths into a polling(voting) booth at the same time? Tell them there's a Call Center Job Inside!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she has no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally, she has no arms.
Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms? The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.
What comes between fear and sex? funf
My new favorite joke. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a high school?? Names
Why did the rooster buy mittens? So his chicken fingers wouldn't get cold. I'll leave now
How do they call women that don't suck dick? They don't call them at all.
Ever since Jim got cancer, he's been feeling really crabby
I think that this entire Jared thing will just end up resulting in a teeny jail sentence.
I went to the School of Engineering formal this weekend. Walked up to a girl... "Are you a civil engineer... cause DAM GIRL!" she went home with me...
What do you call an online correspondence with a transvestite? She-mail.
Don't put words in my mouth...my foot is already in there.
Many people think the Romans invented Vaseline That was ancient grease
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. That's a hardware problem.
How does batman order his iced water? "Can I get that..Just ice"
What do you call a 200 year old Buffalo? A bison-tennial.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister? 3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Why are the landmarks in Paris quarantined? Because they are parasites
I was going to go as a worthless piece of garbage for Halloween... ...but then I realized I go as that every day of the year.
Why can't women ski? there's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.
What do you call a midget who directs Dirty Jobs? A Micromanager.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
More girls chase after me everyday than Leonardo, Channing Tatum and Ronaldo combined -Bus driver
I like to abbrev.
A libertarian vote walks out of a bar ... ... and goes, "God, I'm wasted."
Doctor Care to his patients. Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
What does a forward thinking person say? wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Justin has his Beliebers. 1D have their Directioners. If I ever had fans/stalkers I'd call them Tomaskateers.
A mom hassles her son to take out the garbage. the boys says "sheesh, mom you tell me to do that at least once a week!"
Fidel Castro was alive?
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A Milk Dud.
Did you know that Lil Wayne's parents were murdered right in front of him? It was what inspired him to become the Batman.
I don't know about Michael J. Fox... His last few performances have been kind of shaky.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I wanted to major in marine biology but those guys get pretty upset when you follow them into the latrine with a tape measure.
Anytime I'm watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn't use them.
My love for you is like a rapist: it just doesn't stop.
[Creation] God: *creates the crab Crab: "wtf?" God:"You're a crab" Crab:"wtf?" God:"Now go forth" Crab: *walks sideways "WTAF?!"
What's roughly 6 inches long, has a head on it, and women love it so much that they often blow it? A 20 dollar bill
How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar? Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.
My friend has a butler who had his left arm cut off... ...serves him right!
[OC] Did you hear the political interview in regards to homosexuality? It was hard to get a straight answer.
I was gonna make a joke about cows... But it's terribull
Trump has a tower? Well Bernie has his towers too. The Twin Towers... They felt the Bern.
For today. * Knock knock. * Who's there? * 9/11. * 9/11 who? * [You said you wouldn't forget](/spoiler)
If Al Gore had a band, it'd be called... The Algorithms. I'm sooooooooooo sorry for this. :(
Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I'm saying to you.
feminism .
Why does Drake hate summer? Because you start wearing less and going out more
"Got kicked out of the hokey pokey class for putting it in, when I was supposed to be shaking it all about."
i just thought of a funny line to use in my old age "when i am having trouble peeing, i look down, and tell my penis to stop being a dick, and get on with it."
The first thing I'm going to do when I'm rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Which two musicians are famous for saying, "What?" Lil' Jon and Beethoven.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it's not up to me to find these kids?
A Tiny Joke Zack's penis.
When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that's what's up. But they're all at work.
How are babies and strippers alike? They're fun to play with but I wouldn't want to take one home
So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church I really hope I get the missionary position
What's Gollum's favourite food? Scallops, scallops!
*at funeral* Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us. I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Multiple personalities If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves is it considered a hostage situation?
Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
I saw a rabbi blessing food while golfing. I mentioned that it seemed strange, but he told me it's parve for the course.
[God creating wombats] Just roll that balloon in fur and let's call it a day.
My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.
since I worked on my problem with exaggerated arrogance, I'm a much better person. better than you all together!
What does a 72 year old snatch taste like? Depends...
What do you call a slutty telescope? A horoscope.
They say behind every great man is a great woman. Never been that into pegging though.
Jokes What kind of bees make milk
Abstinence-only education... Was the first time I got screwed.
[inventor of the piano] Tables aren't noisy enough.
What did the field say to the farmer? Plow Me!
My neighbor is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian He has a sign that says either way you get your dog back
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger.... And then it hit me!
Q: How many editors does it take to  change a light bulb? A: If we change the light bulb we'll have to change everything.
I named my dick the truth, because the truth hurts, and you can't handle the truth!
Why do the birthers...? Why do the Birthers care about where Barack Obama was born (Hawaii, not Kenya) and not where Ted Cruz was born (Canada, not Texas)? Because Barack Obama is black.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank coffee before it was cool
So, I got a card from a friend that said "I'm Sorry". It was all handcrafted and I didn't know what it was for, but I was flattered. I opened it and it said "For fucking your mom" :0 WTF!?!?!?
I had a Viagra addiction... and it was the hardest time of my life.
Insult me with your BEST, most offensive , crude insults you can think of! Let's see who can make me cry, and rethink continuing living!
At university I was going to join the debating class... ...but someone talked me out of it
Do I have a police record? No... but I have two of their albums on tape.
Someone told me I was "good people" and I replied "OMG you can hear them too?"
Error 609: When your kid sleeps in between.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Love is a lot like algebra... You look at your X and try to figure out Y.
Based on how many times I've dropped my phone, I'm gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Now I know why they call it Whole Foods. It took a whole hour to spend my whole paycheck and they can kiss my whole ass.
who are the shortest people in the bible? The Shuhites
What do you call a white man who never lose in the boxing ring? The referee
There should be a warning on these math books. Something along the lines of "Beware the additive properties"
You'll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I can't help but pronounce A, E, I, O, and U very aggressivley. I think I have irrititable vowel syndrome.
A hotdog and a hamburger are haveing a pooping contest... The hamburger is winning. In order to ketchup, the hotdog mustard.
Where does a powerful king keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Why don't chickens wear pants? Because their pecker is on their face.. Thank you, good night!
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf? Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying  involved.
A man hobbles into a McDonald's and walks up to the counter. He proceeds to place his order of 1 hot fudge sundae. The cashier asks him "Crushed nuts?". "No." He says, "Hip replacement".
Wife just got me a new tv for Christmas! Looks like my New Years resolution is 1080.
They say that time heals all wounds... But what if you get hit in the head with a clock?
Your mama's so fat We are all genuinely concerned about her health.
What is the theme song for the KKK? We gon be all white
I've developed a fear of imitation ale, It's a faux beer.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? To get a filling!
If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.
What do you call a marine who can't swim? A submarine.
What do astronauts put on their toast? Space Jam.
Reverend have you been drinking? Just water, officer. Then why do I smell wine? Good Lord! He's done it again!!!
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Sorry I can't pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.
i wonder if... a receptionist at a sperm bank ever says "thanks for coming"
Judge "Why are you divorcing her?" Me "She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody." J "You get half her stuff." *air guitar solo*
Me when my friends are sad: 268 text messages of advice and tell them how perfect they are.  Then when I'm sad: Oh, sorry .
I'm not racist... I have a color TV!
An old married couple talk sex. Wife: What ever happened to our sex relations? Husband: I don't know, they don't even send Christmas cards anymore.
After seeing his first ballet at age 6, his parents asked him how he liked it. It was good, but you know all those girls who were on their tippy-toes? Why don't they just get *taller girls?*
The chicken and egg have sex The chicken, enjoying a post coital cigarette, turns to the egg and says "Well, that answered that old question"
Wanted to buy a 17th century European castle but I'm baroque.
NATURAL BLONDE Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair? A: Artifical intelligence.
Are people in wheelchairs okay with jokes being made about them? I don't know where they stand on the issue.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To watch the mason lay a brick.
There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.
How do you piss off an animal rights activist? You eat pita bread.
They got 5 guys making one hamburger? No wonder the employment numbers are up.
This joke didn't just happen by chance It was punintentional
A "C," an "E-flat" and a "G" walk into a bar..... The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
What's blue and look like pink fluff? Pink Fluff holdings its breath. What's Red and looks like Blue Fluff? Red Fluff.
some jokes in a song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&amp;v=cMU-eLxIRj8#!
I was looking into the sky and I thought, why does that plane look bigger the closer it gets... then it hit me.
Why Seth MacFarlane's Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.
[glances toward living room stenographer] "Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago." stenographer: I promise not to get mad
How many dogs does it take to change a tampon? 26
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Why did Dracula's mother give him cough syrup? Because Dracula was coffin. Source: A Laffy Taffy wrapper.
I just ordered a pair of 24" socks They're two feet. (this actually happened)
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Look, no hands! The worst thing you could hear during a prostate exam.
Decks. Because I like to be outdoors, but not like all on the ground and shit.
I saw Stevie Wonder in concert the other night He didn't see me though
A bullet walks into a bar, depressed. "Why the sad face?" asks the bartender. "I got fired."
I told my dad about the school shooting today I don't know why he got so worked up over picture day.
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted  will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?" Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning I'm beginning to think I didn't."
Why do riot police get to work early? ... .... To beat the crowd.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. The assailant avoided prison, though. As the battery charge wouldn't hold.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesaurus
What do you call a blind, mentally handicapped, quadriplegic? You can call him whatever you want; it's not like he's going to get up and do anything about it.
What does an Italian... What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other? A speech impediment. AY!
What is the punishment for bigamy? Two wives.
Ugh. Sausage puns. They're the wurst.
My sickening birdwatching experience. I must be ill - I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.
How do you know when you're staying in a hillbilly hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "okay, Go ahead."
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is...
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it.
yo momma so ugly her vibrator needs viagra
I told my GF that I'm jealous of her V-J. She shows me NO pity, though. She just rubs it in my face
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn't about me.
What is the difference between Iron man and Iron woman? Iron man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
[Interview] HR - What are your strengths and weaknesses ? Me - WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.
Everyone on the planet is chasing imaginary monsters with their phone But when I do it I need to "grow up" and "quit looking for Bigfoot."
I figured out why we abbreviate BlowJob with BJ 'cuz it's a mouthful
Memes This is my first post, make it good. I want memes
If getting proper sleep the night before was a necessity for writing an exam, then I'd fail every single time.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time.. I say, the person who chose the spelling of, "Colonel" is the biggest liar of all time
THERE IS A VIRUS GOING AROUND REDDIT W THE LINK "CO-EDS.AVI" THAT MAKES YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS I DIDNT CLICK ON IT BC I DONT WATCH PORN BUT BE ON THE LOOK OUT..
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Reddit, Funnyjunk, and Digg walk into a bar. They all see 4chan and say to the bartender: "I'll have what he's having."
404 jokes... I just can't find the humor in them.
Dear fork, I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork. Love always, Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I said she's half the person I am... I weigh 240 pounds, not sure why she got so mad.
How does Donald Drumpf change a lightbulb? He doesn't. He hires people with long fingers to do it for him.
*interview* So, why do you want to be a judge? *Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* "To fight crime"
Imagine a world without pizza. No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I'M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I'M SORRY
How many men do you need to defend Paris? I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.
So a local photographer started seeing a chemist from out of town... I heard their relationship was developing quite nicely.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards in single file. Recieding hare line.
My wife walked in on me and found me f***ing our daughter... I didn't know what she found more disturbing, the fact I was f***ing our daughter, or that the abortion clinic sold me her fetus.
Why does Voldemort always sit in the nosebleed section at events? So he'll finally have the chance to get a bloody nose.
BAAAAAAAAAAAA! SOWENYAAAAAA! MAMABEATSEBABAH.
Which political party do the letters A through Y affiliate with. The Not-Z Party
[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him [goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter... I've fallen on some hard Times.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle.
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a separate box.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender, confusing idioms with jokes, offers the horse water but cannot make it drink.
Apple recently changed the gun emoji into a water pistol emoji... Meanwhile Microsoft has just changed their toy blaster emoji into a real gun shots fired i guess
Besides watermelon, there should be windmelon, firemelon and earthmelon. The four elemelons.
I wish I were as attractive to women as I am to mosquitoes.
Why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? She uses the other hand to moan.
What type of condoms does Ronald McDonald use? McRibbed
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? because he was far out.
My dog has no nose. That's terrible! How does he smell? Awful.
When I'm high, I'll call some customer service number and choose the Spanish option just for the challenge.
How many graphic designers does it take to change a light bulb? Does it have to be a light bulb? 'Cause I had this other idea...
Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.
There are 10 kinds of people... Those who understand ternary notation, those who don't and those who thought this would be a binary joke. Credits to /u/johnnybenude
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Life in 1914-1945 Europe must have been hard. All those geopolitical events and no TV shows to compare them to
Who was the burger's favourite all-time movie  director? Sizzle B. DeMille!
People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century... Oops wrong sub.
Donald Trump is still running for president because it is the only race he hasn't offended yet.
Waiter there's a fly in my  soup! Don't worry sir the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
You may say the glass is half full or half empty. I say fill the rest of my damn cup!
I was going to write up a guide on how to reserve yourself a spot on the front page of Reddit... ...but it's really not my place to say!
There once was an algebraic instructionswoman who did not rinse out her mouth The function of Listerine to her breath varied inversely, as the function of Listerine went undefined throughout the year.
It would suck to look like William H. Macy but not be William H. Macy.
Don't get why guys complain about "sleeping on the couch" I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Maybe it's karma that I stepped in gum after all the times I've spit mine out on sidewalks. Didn't stop me from keying the nearest car.
What a common problem with r/jokes and FedEx? Delivery
If the cat's got your tongue, it's your fault. What did you expect, making out with a cat?
Never try to pay a Prostitute with Chocolate covered Ice Cream. Apparently, there ARE limits to what someone will do for a Klondike Bar.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Why did Yellow divorce Red? Because Red Blue Green
Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush? She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.
What does a sick train say? Achoo Achoo!
Does it disturb anyone else that "The Los Angeles Angels" baseball team translates directly to "The The Angels Angels"?
I came up with an excuse for being late I was marching with Martin Luther King, but then some firemen mistook us for fire and tried to put us out; that's why I was late sorry.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Dude! Breathe!!
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
I had sex with a can of Coke. The doctor told me that I had contracted... ...Genital Burpies.
Why did the unfaithful Arabic woman cross the road? To get to the other Sayid.
What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a boner? I don't have a Lamborghini right now
What would Economics be without assumptions? Accounting
Math is sad. It takes hours to try to prove your point, but only one counterexample to destroy everything. Much like my marriage.
What do the Globetrotters do when they're finished urinating? The Harlem Shake
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying? Scientist: No idea. *eats bee* Scientist: Did you just eat a bee? Scientist: *eats bee* No.
Did anyone happen to DVR Twitter for me? I missed the last 3 weeks and I would like to fast forward through all the Justin Bieber parts.
How do you seperate the men from the boys? A crowbar.
ten years ago my dad called me a "latte liberal" once, now i wanna adjust my vintage frames scoffing all like "UM, IT'S COLD BREW SOCIALIST"
Why do Newfies want Quebec to separate? So it's a shorter drive to Toronto!
I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.
Dark humor is a lot like fresh drinking water... Not everyone gets it.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto!
Facebook: I'm happy! Instagram: I'm pretty! Vine: I'm artsy! Pinterest: I'm crafty! Twitter: I'm lying everywhere but here.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Lipstick Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
I'm not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it's just not a threatening instrument.
It was actually the muslims who invented the C4 explosive... But it was the US:Army who later added a remote detonator.
Where on Earth can you find the highest concentration of Jews? In the atmosphere.
Did you hear about the guy that made the highest grades in his graduating class? He was on a roll!
By the volume of the pans clanging and slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something
HIV Test Where are you getting your test done, at a gay bar? Hey doc do you feel the HIV in my ass yet? Almost, I need to finish first. (As the gay doc fucks your ass and puts the hiv in you.)
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo club Thank you all for coming
Have you ever woken up because of a boner? Alarm cock.
What do you call a nun in a wheel chair? Virgin Mobile
I killed a black guy.... I thought I would get arrest for murder, but I got arrest for impersonating a cop.
Just watched The Martian I found it odd that NASA would commission SpaceX to make the Iris probe.
Q: Who burped at the big bad wolf? A: Little Rude Riding Hood!
I have a coworker whose humour gets drier ...as he gets more dehydrated. (True story)
A woman walks into a bar Oh, I just wanted to say "a woman walks into a bar" because the jokes always start with "a man walks into a bar".
After four years I finally had to buy condoms again. Stupid expiration dates.
I just heard a horrific story about a man who left his house without his phone.
I am in the S&amp;M period in my relationship She sleeps, I masturbate.
Unfortunately, this month's Psychics Club meeting is cancelled... ... due to unforeseen circumstances.
Where I am from, if I was "16 And Pregnant" I'd get an ass beating not a TV show.
What's the same about Mexican and Black people? Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal. (Sorry if you're offended, I love all races.)
I just left my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me. What did he say? You're fired.
Why can't you have a party on the moon? There's just no atmosphere
My uncle is a toilet inspector. He's seen some shit.
Why did the duck leave the dancefloor? He didn't want to get down on it.
My wife is always trying to pick a fight by making fun of my impotence. Well she won't get a rise out of me.
Casual sex is like a math equation... You add the bed, subtract your cloths, divide your legs, and hope you don't multiply
I used to have a 2 year old son, he died the same way Eric Clapton's son died... For inspiration
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily
How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch? They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.
Today, I made the little things count by teaching math to midgets.....
I love when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible shit.
I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance. "Thank you. It means a lot."
I've got an idea for who should run for President next... Hindsight, 2020.
what do you call a grenade thrown into a french kitchen? linoleum blownapart
How did the electron board the train? It lepton
Why are cars slower than planes Because they're tired. PS. First post here..
Selfies? In my day we stared in a mirror and then felt ashamed.
Q: How do mathematicians scold their children? A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
A butcher backed into a meat grinder... He got a little behind in his work.
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes...
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
"This race is over," said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don't preface them with "and lastly".
I hit the gym today... Now the gym's filing for divorce and I'm loosing custody of my children
Why was the pigeon theater troupe arrested? They were staging a coo.
I feel like (for me) to be great one day is to finish what Hitler didn't... Art school
Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend? It's not like they had to be there...
Some Muslims were having an argument on my street the other day... I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.
Let's hope God grades on a curve or I'm so screwed.
Where do comedian Eskimos live? A Giggloo.
Are you alone? Because you're showing high interest.
They say yoga is the best form of exercise But I think that's kind of a stretch.
What the difference between a black guy and a donut? One of them already had a hole before the cop saw it
What do you call Aaron Rodgers' generous daughter? Sharon Rodgers
What happened to the guy who ingested helium? He became enlightened.
A man walks into a gay bar.......... The bartender asks "Would you like me to push in your stool?"
My old dog What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs? Nothing. He wont come when you call.
I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, 1, volume stuck on full." I thought..... "I can't turn that down."
I'm getting tired of all these Nepal jokes. Come on guys, shake things up.
Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building? Officer: I'm making a house arrest
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don't know who's winning
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Why don't oysters give to charity? They are shellfish.
I just donated money to help create water reservoirs for families in need. It was money well spent!
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms? Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals
There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: "ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU". I put the money back in my pocket just in case he's right.
I watch Aladdin and root for Jafar.
Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side
You can't even? That's odd.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. 205, 204, 203, 202, 201... She'll make a great soup.
This will be my first valentines with a girlfriend. Anyone have any ideas to help make it great? I'm 17, can drive and have a source of income. I would really like to make this one good.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word "voluptuous."
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
My Paul walker joke What do you get when you put Ryan dunn and Paul walker in a porshce?? "Dunn Walking!!!
I remember when I stayed with my girlfriend and her parents for the first time, and her dad wouldnt let us sleep together Which is a shame, because he's quite attractive
Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.
If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.
Your girlfriend should never be jealous of another woman. Instead, you should do your best to make other women jealous of  her.
Chant at a pro-sexual consent rally. "What do we want?" *-- Consensual intercourse!* "When do we want it?" *-- Not right now!*
How do you confuse a blonde? Hold up two shovels and say, "Take your pick."
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three... He says, "uno, dos..." and he disappears without a tres
How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer may shock you.
Cross the Road Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday? Me: I want a gf thats not crazy. Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Boy, is my face red! Fingering a suspect means something totally different at the police station, you guys.
What do you call a fake noodle? ... An "impasta"!!!!
Do you know why Moon rocks taste better than Earth rocks? Because they are a little meteor!
Which dinosaur will never be discovered? The Clitaurus
Just made this up, probably not as funny as I think it is. What do you call a dozen birds making a rooster? A twelve finch cock!
Diet plan: make friends fatter
"What should we put in the middle of this mall?" How bout some chairs? "That idea sucks" A little pond to throw money in? "Oh hell yeah"
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
What did the pornstar say after getting a cumshot in the eye? "I didn't see that coming"
What ever happened to Windows 9? Windows 7 8 9.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean - atrophy - space bar - supervision - extraction - dogmatic
What do you call it when a non-binary gendered couple has a legal dispute over custody of their children? A transparency review.
Jesus take the wheel. No that's a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN'T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped  you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!
Bernie Sanders has no chance as long as Theres a Trump virus going around on this website?
Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream parlor... And the guy behind the counter says "what flavor would you like?" Michael say "It doesn't fucking matter, I'm gonna drop it anyways"
Corny Ass Joke Did you hear about the man forgotten in a freezer? I guess we can say he's fresh to death.
I asked my mother who was her favorite child... She thought for a second and said, "Do I have to pick one of mine?"
Imagine how slutty girls would dress if Halloween was in July.
The difference between Indiana and California In Indiana there are lots of budding young farmers. In California there are lots of young bud farmers.
Something so sad. A can of Coke getting crushed. It is soda pressing.
What do you call a sad robot? A woebot. :(
A very large woman was walking her dog... and as she walked by I said "nice pig," she looked at me with a puzzled face and said "that's no pig, it's my dog." I replied with "I was talking to the dog."
Love is like a fart... If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
I wanted to write a poem about you but I'm having a difficult time finding the words to rhyme with chlamydia infected narcissistic harpy whore.
I've got 99 problems... <snap> 98 problems. <snap> 97 problems. <snap> 96 problems. <snap> BRB... I need to buy more mousetraps.
I like my women like I like my dog. Actually, No. I prefer the dog.
How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
The first time I got high was in the back of my brother's car... It must of been some dank weed, because I'm an only child.
True irony Ay im Rony!
today, I told a girl in my class she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.
what do Hitler and Terry Fox have in common? they both couldn't finish a race.
Two Jews walk into a bar... they buy it.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway. "Wait a minute. I'm named after beer?!!?" -My 6 yr old son, Miller
Who burped at the big bad wolf? Little Rude Riding Hood!
Wanna hear a racist joke? Donald Trump
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Im just an average guy with 2.4 kids.
Mom, is this skirt too short? Yes. Your balls are showing, Robert.
Why did the negative number look so surprised? He was nonplussed.
A neutrino walks through a bar.
What's the square root of 69? 8 something.
How do stoners travel? On the canna-bus.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff... bahhh dum hisss
The worst thing about Obama's presidency is knowing Will Smith will play him in the eventual biopic and win an Oscar. Fuck that.
Here's a joke from Hilary Clintons emails... [deleted]
Stop chicken mass production... You're making them eggs-hausted!
Life Advice Always keep your words soft and sweet - In case you have to eat them later.
How many startup CEOs does it take to change a light bulb? Change a light bulb? Pfft! We are game changers.
My parents are really against my candlemaking habit. One day, I came home, and saw that they had thrown away all of my parrafinalia.
Happy Halloween... may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! 
My cab driver just described Seattle as "Not that horrible of a place." Get that guy a job on the tourism board.
What is a Statistician's preferred method of killing people ? Poisson Distribution
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
Why was the geologist hungry? He had a large Apatite.
What does an LGBT orthodontist make most of his money off of ? bruces
To take revenge, I'LL EAT CHINESE.
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around
[OC] Did you hear about the two fruits who weren't allowed to get married? Turns out they cantaloupe.
What did president Obamas father say when he was born? Oh, He's Barack. pronounced with a bad asian-english accent.
My friend said to me "people do not change" I told him to empty his pockets.
What does the hipster serial killer do? Has sex with the bodies before they're cool.
When a dating site tells me "Someone new likes you!" I get angry because I'm there to meet adults, not babies.
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
What did the tree say to the lumberjack? I'm falling for you
Anal sex is like getting your first car You dont really want it but your step dad gives it To you anyways
My physicist gf told me she loves me to the moon and back .... I don't know if she was referring to the Distance or Displacement.
A man with one leg shorter than the other visits the tower of Pisa. He says "It looks fine to me."
I'm so grateful to the teacher who defined the word "plethora" for me... It meant a lot.
I don't know why I got fired from my job at the M&amp;M factory. I threw out all the Ws, they should be happy!
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s
What has a ring but no fingers? The former owner of a Note 7
to do list I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it
How do you increase a pirates morale? mor ale
She told me I was a talented lover I told her I studied a broad.
What is a caterpillar's biggest fear? A dogerpillar.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But, the trouble is getting them in there.
I taped a slice of bread on the ceiling. And that's how you start a rave party in Ethiopia.
Conductor do you stop at the Savoy Hotel?  I should say not on my salary!
I brush my teeth a lot longer when I'm around another person.
The most successful marriages and the very worst marriages end exactly the same way... ...with one partner watching the other one die.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay, But I ain't no snitch
I tell people I'm narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they're talking to me I don't seem rude.
My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.
Remember when America used to be cool... .... Yeah, me neither.
what's the worst thing about being a black Jew? you gotta sit at the back of the oven
What is a witch's least favorite food? Burnt steak.
Clickbait Got you.
Couches pull out... I don't
Ladders causes more accidents in homes than guns That's why I have 10 guns, incase some psycho tries to sneak in a ladder. Gravity Falls has the best jokes.
What does Rihanna think of Chris Brown? beats me
What's black and married to my daughter? Nothing because I'm a good parent.
I don't drink for religious reasons. I drink for other reasons.
Have you heard about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
Why couldn't the snowman spend his money? Cause his assets were frozen.
[at restaurant] -sees baby screaming in high chair -walks over & picks baby up -walks outside & puts baby down "You're free," I whisper.
A handsome and well dressed old man walks into a bar... ... approaches a good looking elderly lady, and says: "Do I come here often?"
Life is like a box of chocolates... It's expensive, you don't like half of it, and sometimes you can give the whole thing to a woman and she still wont have sex with you.
What do a brick and I have in common? We both get laid by hand.
The length of my penis was in the Guinness Book Of World Records Untill the librarian told me to take it out
There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid. Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.
No one eats chocolate in tiny orgasmic bites like the women in the commercials. You shove it in your face hole as fast as you can, then cry.
If you're ever feeling down about yourself, head to your local GameStop and ask the workers how they feel about dragons.
What do a condom and a fighter jet have in common? A cockpit.
Why do golfers bring an spare change of pants? Just in case they get a hole in one. Credit to /u/Diablo182
What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What's it called when you poke a Scantron to make it laugh? A test tickle.
For sale: Thick layer of dust As seen on TV.
What do you call the study of butts? Analysis.
What do they call the lottery in Africa? Celebrity adoption.
What do you call a fancy toilet? A dapper crapper
Why are elements attracted to the Noble Gasses? Because they're *Noble!*
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? A: Women working at 900 numbers.
How many Metropolitan Police does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
Why aren't there any Mexican astronauts? Because whenever they hear the world "launch", they go get something to eat.
What is smaller than an ant's dinner ? An ant's mouth !
Why did the band 999 megabytes break up? Because they couldn't get a gig.
My son played soccer in the mud all day. He was a little Messi.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."
What cheese do hunters use to goad a bear out from its cave in the winter? Camenbert
I'd like to think that my exes see me as "the one who got away," but it's probably more like "the one who got away from the police."
Think about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth. It's unsettling
I saw a car with the registration plate 'BDR MNHF' earlier. Now I feel like I'm seeing it everywhere.
Do you guys wanna hear a joke about a pizza? Naw i dont wanna tell it cause it kind of cheesy....sorry dadjokes
If you're a comedian named Luke and your 1st album isn't named Luke Who's Talking, I don't even know why you got into this game at all.
Two hunters were driving down a narrow two lane road in an off-road jeep, and saw a sign that said 'Bear Left'... They turned around and went home.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
A boy walked into class 20 minutes late and really high. My teacher asked him why he was so late and he said, "I don't know, I think there were more stairs than usual."
Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N' Slide. So you do the math.
Joke look into the mirror
Siri: Retweet me.
What did the feminist Jedi say to Darth Tyrannus? "Check your Force privileges, Sith Lord!"
Saw some Advil on the floor this morning and sincerely thought "Better just leave it there so I know where it is."
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency. And sorry about your neck hole.
What did Harry Potter order when he went to the bar? Expecto-Patron-On-Ice
My safe word is "I WANT YOUR BABIES"
[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant] Male: I can't decide if I want tuna or the salmon. Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table
My dad is "looks for fettucini in the Ethnic Foods aisle" years old.
Don't judge me until you know me. Don't underestimate me until you challenge me. And don't talk about me until you talk to me
There once a website called toogle now it is google
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
I don't get why everyone talks so fast in old movies. What was the hurry? There was nothing to do back then.
Michael Sam is going to get cut from the Rams Apparently he is always behind the competition
Evil Queen: mirror- Hand Mirror: what Evil Queen: mirror- Hand Mirror: WHAT Evil Queen: on the wall Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry
What do you call Hitler on his birthday? Hightler
What happens when a Cow tries to jump over a fence? Udder destruction
How does Moses make his coffee? HEBREWS it! (He brews it)
What's a rapper's favorite candy? Eminems.
Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
What type of overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim.
right before i die, i want to stuff myself with 100 chicken nuggets and blaze tf up
Golf and NASCAR are the only sports on television today. Looks like the opposite ends of the asshole spectrum will be happy.
What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran? If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.
Why are people still using a dictionary? I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me.
My coffee shop in Tokyo hasn't had many customers in the last couple of months... It's ok now though, people are starting to drift in.
Why do gay clubs float so well? They're flambuoyant.
My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
Why did the walrus go to the tuppeware party? To find a tight seal.. Badum tsst
What does a woman's arsehole do when she is having great intercourse? He is at home taking care of the kids.
When apart, Sodium and Chlorine are harmful. When they form a bond, they are harmless to humans. Huh, isn't that ionic?
What do you call a depressed cow? A mooooope
What does the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common? The balls are for decoration only
Meant to type "Lmaoooo" but left off the "L" and now she thinks I'm singing the praises of The People's Republic.
I've been really impressed by igloos. They're all white houses.
I showed up to my girlfriend's house. She said, "Why, don't you look nice!?" I said, "Thanks." "It wasn't a compliment." she added.
How do you say nachos in English?? Mine!
I once had a job circumcising Elephants at a Zoo The work was hard but the tips were huge!
How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan? He was de-lighted
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"
How are you related to the sun? Because your teeth are the same colour as it.
I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.
When I go to a birthday party... I like to pull out the gifts I got and show and tell everyone what I brought for the birthday person... I just want my presence to be known...
[Me at job interview] And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I'd rather have a laptop than an iPad. At least you can slam it shut when your lady walks in.
My room + internet connection + music + food  homework = perfect day.
God lets you know where you stand with him by how tangled your headphones get.
Q: what is the scariest religion? A: boo-dism. Im kidding its all of them haha
Why do Jamaican chickens make fun of all the other chickens? Because they're jerks.
How do you separate Siamese triplets? WE CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN AND PASS THE SAVINGS ALONG TO YOUUUUU!!!
Yo mama so fat... her carbon footprint turned to diamond.
What do you call a magic dog? Labracadabrador.
My elderly grandfather came over and complained of diarrhea. He repeatedly told everyone "Shh". It took us a while to realize he'd lost "it".
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
What about a reality show where people who complain about homeless people having cellphones have to get a job and an apartment without one.
What do blacks and apples have in common? If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree. Da ho, no I didnt.
How to make a charity 1. find someone in need 2. Create an organization and donate all revenue to said someone 3. ??? 4. nonprofit
What is green and goes a hundred miles per hour? A fuel injected pickle.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 8 and 9 died in a double homicide and 7 is the **prime** suspect.
What's one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job? The view.
What's Kermit the Frog's favorite song? "Whib It" by Devo.
Why does the NSA only do anal? Because they backdoor their way into everything.
Why is my dog better than my girlfriend? I can throw her food on the floor, call her a bitch and she'll still play with my balls.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I'll be when I wake up tomorrow.
What's the difference between Hitler and Keemstar? Hitler knew when to kill himself. Edit: Holy shit 200+ likes.
Do you know why Jesus doesn't play hockey? Because he always get nailed into the boards.
Why is North Korea so cruel? Because it doesn't have a Seoul!
I'm taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she's staying with me and I love subliminal messages.
I lost my Nana today must have fallen out of my lunchbox
there are two kinds of people in this world... 1) People who can finish lists.
A Russian walks into an Ukrainian bar... And farts. The Russian says, "I'm sorry for Putin."
Is it a bird is it a plane well what ever it is its heading straight for the world trade center Tell me if this joke is even funny.
My penis is only four inches But some girls like it that wide.
Then there was the time a cement truck collided with a paddy wagon. Twelve hardened criminals escaped.
I keep ringing Screwfix... .. To this day they still insist they're not a matchmaking agency!
Q: What kind of math class did the acorn take when it grew up? A: Gee-I'm-a-tree!
Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dildos.
what do you say when you're out of spoons? fork it.
*cop slams bag of weed down on table* "EXPLAIN." "its not mine officer i swea- "oh quit the crap Bulbasaur we know you're the grass type"
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Definitely not 9, my basement is still dark
My dad died five years ago but I still see him everywhere I look. Makes me wish I hadn't dismembered him.
[God creating the raccoon] God: make it cute with a lil mask Angel: haha aw okay God: also make it eat trash
Sexting gone wrong I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today. Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Where do you find a zebra? 25 letters after a, brah.
What do you use when you go fishing for nudes on the internet? A boober!
With the brexit news, they say the pound is failing. They're calling it the ounce, now.
Then god created Saturn, And he liked it. So he put a ring on it
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
How many rednecks does it take... I don't know exactly, but a shit ton.
What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter
Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.
You know what sucks? A vacuum! You know what else sucks? An overused, crappy joke.
Satan: "Waaazzz up?" God: "Speak of the Devil." Satan: "Really?" God: "Sorry, figure of speech." Satan: "Jesus Christ." Jesus: "What?"
It was so cold out... I was cold out today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
The Ultimate Spoiler You all die in the end.
Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just really hope they segregate us by genre.
A lady in front of me at Walmart today had six kids and was buying a baby gate. I wanted to tell her, "if that's for your  vagina, you're too late!"
What ward does Sauron visit in the hospital? ICU
*clears throat and reads from the ancient parchment* i love big tittys
Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa's sleigh.
A chemist and his friend walk into a bar... The chemist asks for some "H2O." His friend asks for some "H2O too." His friend dies.
What's the difference between babies and boomerangs? If you throw a boomerang correctly, it will come back...
You are right, 27 is "just a number" but I'm looking for a man, not a boy. No offense. PS: Save my number... just in case I change my mind.
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Have you ever read "The Longest Joke in the World"? Now you have.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I'm pretty sure "God" is trying to kill him.
*sings Hakuna Matata during your meltdown*
Really shouldn't If you're always Putin things off, you'll end up Russian.
Cannibals like to eat... vegetables
I wanted to try Heroine the other day... But for as long as I tried, I just couldn't fit the courageous female rolemodel into my syringe.
Wanna race? Ok, I got white
What do you say when you step on a snake? Well that bites.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
BEST SHORT JOKE you know about YOUR OWN RACE Hear the one about Ku Klux Kinevil? He tried to jump 50 Negros with a steam roller.
It's time to make like a baby... And head out. *leaves
My Facebook "News Feed" should be renamed "A bunch of boring fucking idiots who have horrible grammar" feed.
What starts out happy but ends in tears? Marriage
I love heavy metal. My favourite is lead.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch It took her 3 hours She was so excited to be done Then I served dinner.
I think gallows humor is gaining popularity. Then again, I wouldn't know. I'm always out of the loop.
What type of shoes does a pedophile wear? White Vans. Creds to a friend of mine :)
I asked a refugee: "How did you get out of Iraq?" He answered: "Iran"
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
How to know you're a Redneck When you look at your sister and think "I'd bang her".
What do you call a slutty bean? A Frijole ("free-hole"). Ba-dun-tss
I'm just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Damn girl are you an Indian reservation? Cause I want to lay some pipe in you.
Meatloaf said: "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that"... ...he means lose weight. -&amp;y
What did the dyslexic, epilptic with hemorrhoids say? "If I fits I sitz."
What did the ninja do when he failed to kill his target? He sai'd
Knock Knock Whos there" Allah Allah who? Allahwho akbar
I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.
Anyone still keeping up with their New Year's resolutions? I am... Still 1080p
If I ever build my own house, I'm putting a toilet right in front of the refrigerator.
I found a good bread recipe where you don't have to get your hands messy from mixing it The bread was kneadless, to say
Did you hear the one about the gay couple who were perfect for each other? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
Islam means peace! Stop means go, up means down, left means right.
Imagine us waiting for 2017 but out comes 2016S
How many Duggar does it take to screw in a light bulb? They screw children, not light bulbs.
How did the pig get to the hospital? In a hambulance.
I shoveled half my driveway yesterday but my wife's still not happy because it just so happens to be the top half the sun melted.
I fell out of a tree and landed on an antelope. I was impala'd
1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
How did the man get stuck at the Russian airport? He got snowden.
So my wife walked in on me blowdrying my crotch... And asked me what I was doing. "Just warming up breakfast for you, honey." First post, hope I'm doing this right.
Why did the sick bird come in jail? Because it was an ill-eagle.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world Those who can count and those who can't
When your wife says she needs a new broom it's best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
The mean Apple Store manager He's a real apphole.
They say honesty is the best policy, but quite frankly, I think a million-dollar life insurance policy on a super old dude sounds better.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
What do you call an anti-vaxxer? Greiving
Two economists fall into a hole they realize they are trapped, and so they come up with a plan. The first step in their plan is... assume a ladder.
I wonder what it would be like if we made Dr. House an annoying woman.. Whats that, Nurse Jackie you say?
How does Bob Marley like his donuts? After a couple of spliffs.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... ...all it was doing was gathering dust.
So Godzilla walks into a bar... The entire building is destroyed. 23 people are missing and presumed dead.
What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ? (wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!
Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again.
I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.
"oh cool a sewer level" --nobody, ever, playing any video game, ever
What did one saggy boob say to the other one? You know, if we don't get a lift, people will think we're nuts.
What do you call a thief that leaves a trail? A crummy thief!
It is known that masturbation eases congestion "I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"
If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I went to a zoo that only had no animals in it. I exclaimed, "Doggone!"
A wizard walks into a gay bar ... and disappeared with a poof
A new species of fish have evolved to have wrists They're called metacarpals.
So I had an unplanned talk with my 13 years old son about masturbation yesterday... I told him it was a perfectly natural thing to do and that he should knock before he enters my room.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Why couldn't the skeleton cross the street? Because he didn't have the guts!
"DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU." -real thing I just said to my son
Did you ever hear about the Bass player whose timing was so bad he threw himself behind a train?
What is a double-blind study? Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
A woman asked me for a German method of coal extraction... And mein shaft she got
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you're Gunther.
What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose ? Bicycle petals !
I had the shingles on my house redone, and the contractor lied to me about his pricing. I was expecting it to be done for free; he said it was going to be on the house.
I'm starting a fusion restaurant that serves gyros made with haggis I'm calling it "Organ Doner".
what's the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub? The girl in church has hope in her soul whilst the girl in the bathtub has...
TOP REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: 1) Ted Cruz 2) A gun 3) Your racist uncle 4) A gun in a cowboy hat 5) Jeb Bush 6) Literally a turd
If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny I get sad every time I look in a mirror
What did one boob say to the other? You're my breast friend! Badum-Tits!
What do they call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids
I went Christmas shopping at Best Buy...
Reporter: Sir, how do view lesbian Relationships.?.. Me: Full HD.
Life is like a box of Chocolates It doesn't last as long for fat people.
QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men?  ANSWER: They come in five flavors.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Cops are kinda weird, asking stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Cause I have weed in the glove compartment?
It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Your momma is so fat That when she dies, the moon will finally be able to break orbit
Boss: How come I don't see you doing any work? Me: Because you have no imagination!
The inventor of throat lozenges has died today. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
What's the difference between Kim Jong Un and Hillary Clinton? One is called "The Great Leader" and the other, "Great Deleter"
American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment... It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: They're trying to get away from the noise.
Is she hot?- A guy's reply to any story that starts with "This girl I know.."
The ultimate chicken crossing the road joke So why did the chicken cross the road? Because your momma's so fat and she seems to like chicken.
My girlfriend was so intent on going shopping for a dress that she wouldn't even think about seeing a movie. I swear, she's such a clothes-minded person sometimes.
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible... which means that I'm an eightheist
How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper? Take the M4, across the Severn Bridge.
Ever heard of a game called Polish Roulette? It's like Russian Roulette except all the chambers are loaded. edit: "chambers," not "barrels"
Why won't cannibals eat Frank Sinatra? Because he's always coming back!
How did the Pillsbury Dough Boy Die? A Yeast Infection
Does money shrink when you wash it? No, but it does when you launder it!
I like my coffee like I like my women... With my dick in it.
Why is reddit bad grammar? Because you can't read a dit.
Early bird gets the worm 2nd mouse gets the cheese 3rd cow gets the grass All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.
My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank. They caught him drinking on the job.
What's the difference between a group of midget engineers and a women's track team? One is a group of cunning runts...
Batman was arrested today in the Vatican He was released on Christian Bale
Did you see the guy in Birmingham, Alabama trying to fuck a clock? He heard time was relative.
I have a great story to tell u. "Why don't u just go write a book" Wow, that's- "Don't u dare say it-" a novel idea. "I'm moving out"
Why was the solider nervous about being deployed? He had arachnophobia.
What's the difference between Ellen Pao and a catfish? One's a scum sucking bottom feeder. The other's a catfish.
8.7328917415 The cube root of all evil.
Germany 7 - 1 Brazil
I was at the doctor... I was at the doctor getting my rectum checked and I asked him "Where do I put my pants?" He said, "Over there by mine."
"I'm not racist. I have several friends who are black... for Halloween. "
What do you do once you're done raping Helen Keller? Break her fingers
How can you recognize a Gnome Pig?  They're the ones with the little red hats.
What is perfectly adorable, good as new, and has seven tiny dents in it... Snow White's hymen.
Just walked by a senior center celebrating pride... ... It looked like they were having a gay old time
I'm a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them
Definition: Politics Poli (Poly): Many.... Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures
One of my favourites Women's rights.
My dad walked in on me masturbating... he said, "quit doing that, you'll go blind"! I said, "dad, I'm over here"!
The invention of the wheel was revolutionary. The lightbulb was a brilliant idea, and the rocket's invention is simply out of this world.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?  A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What do Muslims do before a jager bomb? Press the button
I was going to buy a book on phobias But I was afraid it wasn't going to work
What did one slave-owning waffle say to the other slave-owning waffle? L'eggo my n'egro.
If I were a DJ, I think the best part of the job would be making people sorry that they hired me
Clinton didn't faint due to heat exhaustion... ... she was just doing her steel beam impression.
What's worse than a white guy walking into a church andshooting 9 black people? He let the others get away... I feel I'll be downvoted to hell for this...
ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
I told my kids "I slept like a baby last night, Woke up at 1am and fussed until your mom stuck a boob in my mouth."
Sometimes I kidnap holes filled with water *Well, well, well... What have we here?*
They say there is a murderer in every group I thought it's jack, so i killed him before he could harm somebody.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn Neighbor: "Confused about who to vote for?" Me: "What? No! I'm making a Halloween haunted house."
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers? A redneck virgin
I can't wait to find out who's playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
How's a fart and a teenager alike? Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.
Why is camping so much fun? It's intense!
If they somehow magically ever discover another part of the reproductive system, they should name it after Prince
A new study says vegetarians die younger than smokers, on average, so don't smoke your vegetables...
Why can't ghosts make babies? They have hollow weenies! .... And I'll just see myself out.
What do you do after you but a new oven? Invite all of your friends over and have an oven warming party.
What docyou call it when a Soviet dies comedy? Stand up Commedy
When an oppressed people demand a democracy I wonder if they realize we created obesity, the piano neck tie, and Keanu Reeves.
Pizza delivery guy showed up. Gave me 3 pizzas, and had me sign the credit card receipt. I gave him a $500 tip. I didn't order any pizza.
I'm really starting to hate these little Russian Dolls... They're so full of themselves.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.
What do you call an unemployed rasta? Jah bless
When you say the word "poop" your mouth makes the same shape as your butthole when you poop The same can be said for "explosive diarrhea"
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Why did Americans go to the moon? They heard Indians had land there.
What's black and white and can't go through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
What do you call a Rwandan tribe falling down a hill? Tutsi Roll.
I'm gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
What do you call a person with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Fucked.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we're not around?
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, what else would you call him?
Why Did The Tiger Cross The Road? Because there wasn't a Zebra crossing Sorry, my 5 year old son made me post this
What's an ethiopians favourite song. Its raining man.
OH SHIT! I just ran over an emo kid! Quick! How do you tell if theyre dead on the outside, too?!
Jesus' crucifixion was a success... They totally nailed it!
I'm not good at many things. But incest is where I come into my own.
Why did the skeleton go to the movies alone? He didn't have any body to go with him.
Rain drop, drop top... Getting fucked by a fake horse, that's /r/clopclop
If my husband doesn't like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
"Hands up, don't shoot!" cried the protester "Take what you want, just don't kill me" whimpered the store manager, dropping his gun and ending the terse standoff.
Dear Restaurant Managers: If more than 3 employees ask me how I'm enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don't know.
What do you call the first sperm that reaches the egg? The ova achiever
People say you can't live without love... i think oxygen is more important
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? People like me have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Why are fat people always possessed by the devil? They never exorcise.
Why wasn't meek mills phone working? Because it wasn't "charged up"
Italian restaurant. I went to my local Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large fat woman standing at the entrance. I couldn't get pasta.
Why was Noah a great businessman? He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
How many germans does it take to change a light bulb? One, we have no time for humour.
A magician was walking down the street .... and he turned into a grocery store
I removed Sean Connery's limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig's arms & Pierce Brosnan's legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Whoa whoa whoa... I was stalking her first buddy...
How do you fix a Jack O Latern? With a pumpkin patch!
I love playing chess with bald men in the park, but it's hard to find 32 of them. -Emo Phillips
FIRST TIME SEX My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
Why does Tiger Woods bring two pair of pants during a golf game? Its in case he gets a hole-in-one.
Why are there no apps for my pager?
Never trust a person with 2 anuses Because they're biassed
Jason Russel's been caught masturbating in public? Well, I guess it was Kony a matter of time before he fucked up.
Something weird just happened. My captain just told me Bravo Zulu for a job well done, and then abruptly fired me. How am I supposed to get an explosive tug with my dick in my pants?
Jesus was obviously white. He even tastes like crackers!
Life is like photography  we develop from the negatives.
A Canadian walks into a bar A metal bar. BANG! "Sorry!" says the Canadian.
Why do marble statues look so mean? They have hearts of stone.
Pokemon Sun is better because the Sun would beat the Moon in a fight That's that's why I picked Pokemon Black
Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.
ME: I'll have the burger. WAITER: And how do you like your burger? ME: I don't know. You haven't brought it to me yet.
A fire broke out at a gay club last night. Police think it was started by a Fag.
A football joke Jose Mourinho
Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
On a scale of one to ten, guess how much I like golfing. Fore!
Why did the chicken cross the road? 'Why?' To get to the idiots house! (Immediately follow up with this) Knock knock 'Who's there?' A chicken!
What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't cry when it takes a load.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
How do you count cows? You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want.
It's been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: "Just be myself."
I'm a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There's a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.
If I like ceilings... Does that make me a ceiling fan?
How do cows communicate? Moorse code.
What do you call a white European with a big dick? Hungaryan
A neutron orders a drink at a bar. When it comes time to pay, the neutron asks how much did the drink come to. The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Should have put it on aloha setting.
A Roman walk into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says, "5 drinks, please!"
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a watchdog? A terrified postman.
A guy walks in a library: - Do you have motivational books here? - Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf. - Do you have any books closer?"
A performative poet from Hibernia Rhymed himself into a hernia He became quite adept At this practice, except For the occasional non-sequitur
The only thing worse than watching a TED Talk is doing it on Netflix so your TV thinks you like TED Talks & tries to make you watch more
Short self made joke, pretty offensive. Did you hear about the cannibal who is a vegetarian? Yea, he only eats vegetables.
What do you call an Irishman sitting on your veranda? Patty O'Furniture.
Why are germans so bad at marathons? Because they cant finish a race.
How do you fit three gay guys on a bar stool? Turn it over.
My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she's not looking, I switch the cups.
What do yu get when you cross a Jew? Christianity.
A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant... He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."
Laws of Accounting 1. Trial balances don't 2. Bank reconciliations never do 3. Working Capital does not 4. Return on Investments never will
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeno business
If you're looking for a relationship, become a roofer. You're bound to find hot shingles in your area
date: so wat do u wana do next me: why dont we slip into somthing more...convertible [climbs into ferrari] date: omg wow is this ur car me: no
What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I don't know. I don't have 2020 Vision.
Why should you never trust soap? It's an emulsive lyer.
It's summer. We're young. Let's sneak into someone else's pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Time flies like an arrow... Fruit flies like a banana.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts.
The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?
Calm down! I'm not officially late until I actually get there.
why put cookie dough in the oven when you can put it in your mouth
Why did the baker rob the bank? He needed the dough.
You know what's nuts? My balls!
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Knock knock ...
what did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Damn
A man walks into a search bar Just kidding. No one ever does that.
Who were the shortest people in the Bible? Let's see. There's Kneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, "Silver and gold I have none," and no one could be much shorter than that.
Congratulations on having your 2nd kid. But aren't you supposed to learn from your past mistakes?
[interview for CIA] Your resume says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*
You know what I love about being bipolar? NOTHING I FUCKING HATE IT!
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
What would you call Scott Adsit if he was a skirt? Scott Ad**skirt**
Your momma's so fat. When she was born, the universe expanded.
Such double standards. My wife sleeps with like 10 pillows and I don't get mad but when... I pull out my dakimakura she threatens with divorce.
why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? to get to the same side.
What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops? Demeter.
I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
I have abs...... .....olutely nothing
A blonde and a brunette are in a room... The blonde ask: "What does idk stand for?" Brunette: "I don't know." Blonde: "OMG, no one does!"
My 3yr old pooped her big girl panties at church today and I forgot the wipes, in case you were feeling bad about being single today.
How to get a divorce Wife: Honey, how do I look? Husband: Like a.. Well, great! Wife: Good great or bad great? Husband: Overflowing sewer grate.
What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common? They both change your ring tone
Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic. Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.
Original &amp; Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort) Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
What's the most overused punchline on reddit? [removed]
Life is like a box of chocolates... If you end up with brown sticky fingers, you're doing it wrong.
I'll never feel more drunk than I do walking down a broken escalator sober.
What is Donald Trump's favorite flavor of ice cream? Definitely not Chocolate
In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math. Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.
I've been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I'll be damned if I'm going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Chinese girls just aren't that into me. I wish I had more of a Tai Pei personality.
At the bus stop "Wow, the boy over there is ugly." - "That's my Son!" - "Oh sorry, I did not know that you are the father" - **"I am his mother!"**
Q: What is dumber than the Blonde jokes above? A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these damn things.
What did the disappointed smoker get for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar...
I find hanging around in coffee shops A great way to espresso yourself
It's not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I'm not angry or covered in piss.
My stages of awkward: Sober me: I don't know what to do with my hands Drunk me: I don't know what to do with my face High me: What face?
Wanna hear a joke? women's rights
You're a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.
Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy? He was celebrating his girthday!
[OC] How does Gandhi measure passive resistance? In oooooohms.
My homie only lets dudes use his lawnmower. No hoe mow.
What part of the road is always crying? The breakdown lane.
Where did all the Sephardic Jews go? I dunno, you'll have to Ashkenazi
What's my favorite machine at the gym? The snack machine.
THEM: Hey, I haven't seen you for a while. ME: As planned.
What do you get when a piano falls down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
penis it's funny because I said penis
Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors.... The Ginger Bred House.
"And the award for Most British Name goes to..." *Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed* "Helena Bonha-" *spews*
[After losing a rap battle] "How did he get a hold of my credit score?"
Two Part Joke Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road? To get to the stupid bitches house. Knock Knock [Whose There] It's the Chicken!
Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Frankenstein.. Frankenstein enters a body building competition, and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.
A blonde walks into a bar holding a piece of shit and says "look what I almost stepped in!"
"Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on.." [rubs up against your leg] "that's better" -cats
What dog wears contact lenses ? A cock-eyed spaniel !
The USA and Ethiopia played a football friendly. The final score was USA 8, Ethiopia didn't.
Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups? Hermione went alone and was attacked by a troll
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It's SET THEM FREE isn't it? Sorry burning loved one.
Have You Ever Taken a Bus? WELL THEY WANT IT BACK!!!!!!
Why is there such a big contrast between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt? Because they're different cultures.
Why wont Goldilocks drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it? Because it's too cubed!
My dog failed puppy school. He was always wagging class.
A man recently felt funny and came over queasy... At which point he was asked to leave the local amateur production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Yo mama so fat When she taps on the QWERTY Keyboard 26 letters pop out.
What do you call a shoe with no laces Shoe HA!
A pencil sketch artists' greatest dilemma..... 2B or not 2B?
Had the words "I love you" tattoed on my dick. Wife made me remove it because... she said I was always trying to put words into her mouth.
Did you hear about that new film on the B-17 aircraft? It bombed
So I Tattooed a $100 bill On my Peter so my woman always has money to blow!
What happened to the Japanese man who walked into a wall with a boner He hurt his nose. There are more boner jokes at http://www.bonerjokes.com
Just saw two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard.... Pillow fight?
Motels may wanna take down that "Color TV" sign. We know.
Why did the chicken cross the road? He wanted to go to the other side.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don't get sick!
I went to a feminist picnic recently It was terrible. No one cooked or made any sandwiches.
The other day I saw two squirrels making noises at each other as if they were arguing. You could say they were squarreling.
I need subtle fat jokes My wife is annoyingly pregnant. Give me your best.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I'll already be done my work and I can leave early
Why do you have 0 viewers on Twitch? Because not even Nightbot is watching you.
Do you know something? Holding your dick with two hands and still a little sticking out the top now THAT is something.
I used to think there were 25 letters in the alphabet I don't know Y.
Two Vietnamese people got married It was a Nguyen Nguyen
What's gray and comes in quarts? An Elephant
Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10 ? They were trying to keep their german market.
What do you get for stealing a slut's vegetables? Herpeas.
So there's two astronauts on a rocket... One says to the other, "Get Ready, it's almost time for launch." To which the other says "Launch?! I haven't even had breakfast yet!"
I'm so glad I found Twitter...I finally have a rock solid Alibi for my Google Search History!
I like to tell the bad joke about condescending so I can overexplain it in simple terms.
I wish genders were more like the twin towers At least the people who changed the number of towers realised we all hated them and they died
Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day? Because she never marries the best man.
The reason that I'm not a superstitious person... ...I think that if you believe in superstition that it'll only bring you bad luck.
The year is 2089. Toasters are made clear now and no one burns toast or bagels. Crime is at 0%
the face you make when a stranger's dog starts sniffing your crotch
Working with horses is hard but it's stable work.
I always wanted to be a seamstress... But I could never mend-straight.
TIFU by firing a torpedo at an ally submarine Whoops, wrong sub.
Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
What do you call a hundred year old man who dies in the library? Overdue
A black man walks into a bar "Can you imagine that nigga's face when the judge believes my testimony?" - a policeman told his friend
I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I bought a box of animal crackers... I bought a box of animal crackers and the label said, "Do not eat if seal is broken." I open the box and sure enough...
Two pubes sat on a toilet seat...nsfw One says to the other, "how long are we going to stay here?" The other says "dunno, till we get pissed off I suppose".
If my penis was an inch longer.... ....it would be a foot.
You know people who call their penis wood? Can they say they have a two-by-fore-skin?
Skrillex is the worst lab partner I've ever had to work with. Every time I hand him a beaker of alkaline solution, he drops it.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
#LanceArmstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was #stoned I ended up in a ditch.
I was disappointed by the British version of Breaking Bad. It ends after he gets cancer and all his treatment is paid for by the NHS.
If you love Christmas so much, why don't you merry it?
What does a parliamentarian say when they're done masturbating? "Beating adjourned."
What's the worst thing about kidnapping and raping a young child to death in a dark alley? Getting blood all over your clown suit
What is the best way to get over a guy/girl? Truck.
Q: What do you get when you cross a camera with a mirror? A: A camera that takes pictures of itself.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they're fabulous dancers
I asked Jesus what he did before he died He said "Not much. I was just getting hammered and hanging out all day."
I just came up with a great joke about blowjobs. I'd share it, but I'm afraid it'd be in poor taste.
I used to go to communism classes. I never really got good Marx.
What does Santa Claus call his more thuggish elves? Gangsta wrappers!
What's the difference between my face and my jokes? People laugh at my face.
!false It's funny because it's true
An apple a day keeps the doctors away! With that logic a bullet a day should keep the retards away!
Just wrote a book on reverse psychology... Don't read it!
Where are average people made? The satisfactory
[Starbucks] ME: [bursts in] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT LARGE BARISTA: [shrugs] ME: [sigh] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT VENTI B: *grande screaming noises*
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer (I heard we're doing pirate jokes today)
2 Jews walk into a bar.... They buy it.
What's the sexiest thing about the holocaust The shower scenes
NSFW Why was the guitar teacher arrested? He got caught fingering a minor
How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach? It's not hard...
Did you hear Seinfeld on political correctness? He really went on the offensive about it.
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Credit to Top Gear.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4rM4oj-u3A
A drunk guy walks into a bar KLANG!
LeAnn Rimes No, it doesn't.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent
How to get on the front page Not like this.
What happened to the McDonald's Cook when he stuck his dick in the pickle slicer? They both got fired.
Do not fap on a plane.. Unless you enjoy hijacking
You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.
I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar They both only come when your sleeping
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff... Ba-Dum-Tsss
grandma! Mommy! Mommy!. I don't want to visit Gramma! She's cold,distant and she smells funny. "Shut up and keep digging"
Smart Friend My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Marriage is a three ring circus:  - Engagement ring wedding ring suffering.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand? My hand.
What is the difference between a turkey and my wife? I stuff the turkey before eating it.
A man is in urgent need for transplant buttocks after an accident. Doctors report no end in sight.
What advice did Tiger Woods' dad have for Tiger during training? Concentrate on golffuck everything else.
A man is having trouble in bed, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him he's going to need to stop masturbating. "Why?" the man asks. "So I can examine you", the doctor replies.
When life gives you melons... ...you probably have dyslexia.
What did the surgeon say to his constipated patient? Cut that shit out!
I heard that there was a new food court in Coruscant Its called Admiral Ackbar's Admirable Snack Bar
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
Did you hear about the bloke who tried to kiss his girlfriend in the fog and mist.
Difference between computers and woman. I have no problem turning on a computer.
What does every Tickle Me Elmo receive before it leaves the factory? Two testicles.
If I had a crystal ball, I'd probably walk differently.
Why was 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 (eight) 9
Why doesn't Mexico live up to it's full potential in the Olympics? Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump, and swim are in America.
Why is a bad government like a bikini? Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
What has two arms and 14 legs? Guy who collects legs.
"How old is your girlfriend?" "She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"
"That's what" -She
Mommy told me I should make some friends So I became a necromancer
I treat pavement like Tampax Because some bitches bleed on it!
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"... So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. -Stephen Wright
A Polish man and a Palestinian woman married and had a son. What was his name? Yassir Yabetcha
An alcoholic goes to the doctor.. The doctor diagnoses the man and says "You have alcohol poisoning." The man replies, "I am going to find and KILL the person who poisoned my drinks!"
There's four things I'm no good with: faces, names and numbers.
Q: Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of a settlement? A: Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances.
I never want to have a threesome, If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.
a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you're supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot
Why do cows have bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.
What did Nazis do to kids with ADHD/ADD? They sent them to concentration camps.
In six years, people will be able to have cybernetic eyes installed in the back of their head... ...because hindsight is 2020.
Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again.
Yes It Is Is Time Travel Possible ?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Have you ever meet someone so Jewish... That they didn't want to pay for their train ticket?
What did the Australian say when he won a game of chess? Cheers, mate.
Did you hear the new classical piece of music commissioned by the church? It's called "I slipped and fell in A minor".
What do ya call a grizzly who's interested in both sexes? Bipolar Bear
What would you call a Mexican that lost his car? Carlos
My little Nephew told me this one. What do Trees and Dogs have in common? Bark.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they'll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can't handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Two Nuns walking down the street...when a streaker.. Two Nuns walking down the street... when a streaker runs past, one of them had a stroke..........the other couldn't reach...
TSA Terrorist Profile: male/female, aged 1 to 112, wearing clothes and traveling in US airports.
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
What is a nudist's favourite alcoholic drink? A daiquiri.
Why did the fisherman catch the Mackerel and then let it go? Cause he's all about that Bass, bout that Bass.... No Mackerel.
The definition of trust. Whats the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
For Christmas I asked for the best looking person around The next morning I woke up in a box
A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I like my coffee how I like my ladies Strong, black, and preferably fair trade
The best way to prevent the next generation from stealing your lunch... Is to not show them where your lunch is. Because you forgot where you left your lunch.
Did you go to the cellphone's wedding? No but I heard that the reception was great.
Stalin met Hitler in hell Hitler said : Next time, I'll kill 6 Million Jews and two Clowns! Stalin : Two clowns? Why? Hitler : See? Nobody cares about the Jews.
Note: September 2, 2010 will be 90210. Plan jokes accordingly.
Why did Sally fall of the swing set? Because she had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Did you hear about...? The dad who put gasoline in his daughter's sippy cup? Doctor's say she's going to be fine. She just had a little gas.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don't stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Now that I think about it, I probably didn't need glasses for my butt. I guess hindsight is 20/20
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend's experimental theater piece.
What does a 90 year old pussy taste like? Depends.
What do you call an Asian lady sitting on a fence with no arms or legs? Pai-Ling
The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beethoven ! Beethoven who ? Beethoven is too hot !
Did you guys hear the one about the mascara and the lipstick? The relationship was alright, but the make-up sex was amazing.
If the opposite of pro is con.. What's the opposite of progress?
i'm writing a book on overcoming foot pain it's called the agony of defeat
my hipster wife is on her way to the hospital with severe burns in her mouth because she tried to to eat my lasagna before it was cool
So my proctologist has OCD... I went in for an exam. He was very anal.
My dad had a heart attack while laughing at his own joke I guess he had to deal with the punintended consequences.
Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another  there how many eggs will there be? Fred: None! Fred (surprised): Why not? Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!
Whats faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon
Knock Knock Who's there ! Almond ! Almond who ? Almond the side of the law ! Kn
What did Spock find in the Enterprises's toilet? ... ... ... ... ... ... The captain's log!
I applied for a Cashier job at Wal-Mart the other day.. But they said that those 4 positions were already filled.
My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, "Of course I'll have another...I AM drinking for two, after all!"
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: "Katherine Heigl movies."
Time is not wasted, when your wasted all the time" ~Benjamin Franklin (I think.)
Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to  change a light bulb? A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
If bananas have potassium... Does that mean potatoes have banassium?
"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Control Freak" "Con" "Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?""
everytime pitbull performs i get scared because i probably know the words from drunken bar nights
Worlds shortest horror story The last man on earth sat alone in a room...... there was a knock on the door...
If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic? ANKH ANKH!!
What do Jews get at night during the holocaust? Not z's
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My girlfriend and I are both feminists But I'm better since I'm a guy
What happens when you flip an 8 to it's side? Everything, given enough time
If I had to eat a person I guess I would prefer a vegetarian. I like irony and prefer grass fed beef.
If you are religious, then you should not wear underwear. It is holey.
What do you call a religious bird? A bird of prey.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
whats the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies? my dick
I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.
As a person with alzheimers, all my punchlines are...
I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
What's your name? SIENNA Where you from, Sienna? MALIBU Do you like sports? GOLF You're just replying w car brands aren't you? FORD F-SERIES
What do you call a foreskin found on a crime scene? Circumcisional evidence.
My company issues user id's to its new employees based on the 1st letter of their 1st name and the 1st 3 letters of their last name. I feel sorry for my new coworker Tim Watson.
oh sally Why did sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms Knock Knock Who's there? NOT SALLY!
what did the black boys dad do for him for christmas nothing, he had no presence
A baby was born laughing really hard with it's fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it's tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Year: 2020 Cause of death: iPhone 10 Plus fell on his head.
There are no limits to my perfection  a monkey was thinking while looking at a human.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
What's a clowns favorite thing to do? Children
Calm down girls, it's Starbucks. They sell coffee, not unicorn blood.
What do you call a person who helps teach others to fart? A tooter. (thanks, honey)
Once there was a guy... ...who had a dog with no legs. Everyday he took him out for a drag.
He was a poor country boy. She was a rich city girl. They never met, due to geographic distance and rigid socioeconomic stratification.
Who is James Bond's favorite bartender? Michael J Fox
If white guys are day drinking, it's inevitable that they're going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Friend: Do you have a bird problem? Me: No. Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound. Me: Oh that? That's for people.
I stopped doing topical humor People were getting tired of jokes about ointment.
My wife asked if I was coming to our daughter's dance recital... I was, but I paused the video, pulled up my pants, and denied it.
What do you give a losing horse with lockjaw? A new jaw-key
What do you call a Frosty's prostitute? A snow blower
Its not drinking alone if the highway patrol has informed you they're calling for back up.
How do you circumsise a redneck Kick his sister's chin
I have the body of a God... ...unfortunately it's Buddha.
What is the best way to break a shield apart? Seth Rollins with a chair
Why is the cinematography of pornos so impressive? Because it's all done one handed.
How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Natural selection.
My girlfriend is a midget and I'm nuts over her
What did the hippie say when you told him to leave your house? Namaste
Dictators dress to oppress.
what does the bermuda triangle and blonds have in common they both swallow a lot of sea men
Starting Salary
What is the best spanish joke you've ever heard? I couldnt find the spanish section of reddit
What is the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until the boy is 14 to come on his face
Intentionally or not, gays are the only people fighting overpopulation and it's time for everyone else to join the fight. But first...
My wife said that I'm a lousy lover... How can she know that after only two minutes?
Only 3 more STD's to go until I get my own MTV reality show!!!!!!
Dja hear about the LGBT who would only own a Dalmatian if its spots were bleached white? Bruella de Ville
Standing up quickly is my Six Flags.
NSFW Where do you go when you get semen in your eye? Pearle Vision. [Totally a Canadian Joke, my bad for not thinking about that! Pearle Vision is a local Optometry franchise.]
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of planes? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Helo, my name is Ma-ma-ma-ma-martin. "You stutter?" "No, my father did and the registrar was an idiot."
Him: I just had sex with that woman! Me: She's 60. Him: I know. Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Why did Sally Fall off the swing? [kind of rude] Because she has no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn't the best way to respond to my therapist.
how much wood would a wood chuck if Bruce Willis is the Ghost
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Why are there not more black golfers? Because the bus route doesn't go to the country club.
Whats the best part of having sex with a transgender? When you are hitting it from the back and go for the reach around, it feels like it went all the way through
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Q: What's a good place for water-skiing? A: A sloped lake.
Why didn't the stick of butter confess his feelings? Because somethings are butter left unsaid.
If your cat is your "child," I bet its "grandparents" are "sad"
I once hung out with Dwyane Johnson and Danny Trejo... ...and I was literally stucked between the Rock and a hard face. ^^
How do pirates sing the ABC's? abcdefghijklmnopq AAAAARRRRRR stuvwxy and z
"I'm gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it'll be a mom scrapbook" ~ Mark Zuckerberg
What do you call a communist dog? Karl Barx
I've got 99 of everything, and my problem is hoarding and OCD OCD OCD OCD.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos
I'm not saying I don't like you, but if you had an open wound I'd hand you a salt shaker.
What do you call it when a valley girl gives blow jobs for Louis Vuitton's? Head over heels
If you call someone from Alaska an Alaskan, someone from Texas a Texan, and Iowa an Iowan; what do you call someone from Utah? A Mormon
To err is human... To admit it is not.
The tongue twister... The wife asks her husband: -Hey, do you know any tongue twisters? -Yes, penis. -Penis? thats not a tongue twisfhndnfasdfnghfgh
WIFE: Don't embarrass me in front of my boss, he's colorblind ME: Duh [later at party] ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
How many seconds are there in a day in Africa? Seconds? They barely get firsts!
Why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows
The way I pronounced "prix fixe" should be enough for you to figure out that I can't afford to eat here.
So the Middle Eastern restaurant near my house has been selling baby meat I regret ordering the 'pita platter of tiny feet'
[aircraft carrier] *paints a T on the helipad* Captain: No it has to have an H Me: Why? *train sounds approaching* Captain: Oh dear god
I'm white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Petshop Man goes in to petshop and asks for a pet wasp. 'I'm sorry sir we don't sell wasps' 'But you've got one in the window'
A retarded kid, chemo patient, and midget walk into a candy store... [And walk out with jawbreakers bigger than their heads!](http://imgur.com/HwGG6mm)
What do mathematicians call retirement? Aftermath
And that's how the fight started My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And that's how the fight started....
Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate? He couldn't take any more lip!
How do you stop a dog from biting you on monday? Kill the dog on sunday
My brother and I started a business manufacturing Dracula toys I have to make every second Count
Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
I just ate a frozen apple! Hardcore.
a man goes to the doctor for an operation to get part of his colon removed. he turns to his doctor and says, so dose this make me a semi colon?
I'm glad to see New York getting in the spirit of Halloween! New Orleans in 2005 was a great costume choice!
How many Budists does it take... How many Budists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The change, if needed, will come from within.
What is the Similarity between McDonalds and Anal sex? When we were young, we were told McDonalds was fine for us. But when we grew up... we found out it wasn't at all!
How many vowels are in the word 'vowel'? Four. O, double-u and e.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
How does Tony Stark keep his clothes wrinkle-free? Iron, man.
"You should go with the black one" I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran. FINE, GO WITH THE WHITE ONE
Live for what tomorrow has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.
There's a big difference between writing poetry, and just making stories with rhymes. Guess which one I'm good at, limes.
What do you call a thick wire made of phone batteries? Likable
CW: Can I ask you something? Me: Don't talk to me until I've had coffee. CW: But you don't drink coffee. Me: *smiles and continues to work
"sin" asked "cos" what should they do tonight "tan" or "cot"?
Just started listening to Fall Out Boy. They're more than I bargained for.
My son is sort of like rapunzel But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.
Strawberries are like porn stars. They both have the seed on the outside.
I thought I had lost my porn stash It was right under my nose all along.
No, actually I hate gambling, that's why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I'll burn up his gambling dice.
A pickup poem RAMBUTANS ARE HAIRY DURIANS ARE THORNY LOOKING AT YOU MAKES ME REALLY HORNY
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they're cooking meth.
I'm converting to Islam for my haram bae
I once went to Africa, all the girls there were a perfect 10..... ...on the BMI scale
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I'd be like omg I have a boyfriend :)
My girlfriend broke up with me today Now I guess I'm just somebody that she used to blow
Donald Trump always looks like he's trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
What do you call a cheap male prostitute? A five dollar footlong.
Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
People belittle the internet "talking about a dress" as if we're busy solving problems otherwise.
I heard on the radio that protestors in Beijing are demanding authentic democratic reforms. Unfortunately, all they can get is cheap Chinese knockoffs.
Day 1 of being kidnapped. Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back. Husband is asking for more money.
What's the difference between a Pakistani wedding party and an Al-Qaeda training camp? Dunno, I just fly the drone.
You know you teach in a rough neighborhood when... You ask the class what comes after a sentence and they say, "you make an appeal."
Why did the skeleton go alone to prom? Because he had *nobody* to go with.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block. I call bullshit.
I wonder if deaf schizophrenic people hear voices... I never asked them
I'm planning on having a three-some with a chicken and an egg tonight I'll let you know.
What kind of bees make milk? Milk-makin' bees.
When God made me he was just showing of
What do you call a magical creature with a skin disease? A leperchaun.
Pussy I know some of you don't get it.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
(1st day in heaven) Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
currently imagining a redditor choking on an uncooked hotdog and trying to wheeze out "epic fail" before losing consciousness
You know how drinks always mention "Please drink responsibly" ? ... Well I want to start a beef jerky brand that mentions "Please jerk responsibly"
LIKE if you remember having to REWIND a video before you returned it.
If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European
Oh so Paris Hilton can carry a dog in her purse but if I leave my baby in a suitcase behind the chicken restaurant I'm some kind of monster.
My teacher called me a procrastinator today. But I'd say I'm more of an amateurcrastinator considering none of my endorsement checks have come in yet.
Why are there fences around a graveyard? Because people are dying to get in!
The string of expletives that poured from my mouth when I woke up at 3 pm to realize my alarm didn't go off was pure smut poetry
I wrote a book about my car It was an auto-biography
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy
How are Oscar the Grouch and the Olympic Diving Pools in Rio de Janeiro similar? They're both green, smell like farts, and will stay that way for 47 years.
Friends are like boobs... Some are small, some are big, some are real, some are fake.
Do you ever play a song and then realise you were too distracted to appreciate the beauty of the song so you replay it?
I didn't come here tonight to win a popularity contest. Is there one though? Because that will probably affect my behaviour.
My wife used to be a nun... But I got her out of the habit.
Wall, you may have ears but you're pretty useless without a mouth and eyes, aren't you? Wall?
The only thing i understood from Interstellar [spoiler] that the fifth dimension is a FUCKING BOOK CASE
What do you get when you cross a pirate and a pedophile? Arrrrrr Kelly
Peeing is Foursquare for dogs.
co-pilot: "ask in a way that won't panic everyone" pilot: "ok" [via intercom] "is there a fireman on the plane?"
Knock knock Who's there? Owls. Owls who? .................. Exactly!
There's one good thing about suffering from insomnia 3 more sleeps 'til Christmas!
oh i'd definitely choose flight over invisibility. i'd fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Tell the punchline first. How do you ruin a good joke?
Dear car commercials, You probably don't mean to scare me but "German engineering" is also why I don't have so many cousins today.
I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
There are two things i hate a lot 1. Lists 2. Irony
So I got rid of my gym membership... just didn't work out  
hi reddit okay bye reddit
(taken from my kid's favorite show 'Arthur') What is a sea monster's favorite meal? Fish and Ships
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die
GATHER ROUND! Lets tell a story one word at a time. Lets tell a story one word at a time beginning with: THE Hopefully this turns into a joke post or the most captivating story ever.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it be R, but his first true love always be the C.
I'm an introverted republican... ...I guess you could call me an anti-socialist.
How do you stop rape in West Virginia? kill all the sheep
Not a joke. I just wish more jokes were shorter.
People don't usually compliment me on my driving... But today I saw a note on my car that said "PARKING FINE". That was nice of them. ... I'll escort myself out.
Maybe if I took my problems to the gym they'd work themselves out.
Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
What do Michael Jackson and Mcdonalds have in common? They both stick their meat between 13yo buns.
I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.
What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground? I dunno, I just fly the drone.
oh my love, where are you, i am searching for you here and there, but never find you anywhere, just because of you heart is ringing the bell, just like a school bell.
Knock knock Who's there? You want two CDs You want two CDs who? You want to see deez nutz?
Which Jedi can save PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi
A subtle joke A cannibal passes his friend in the woods.
A man was found dead under an ice-cream truck, covered in chocolate syrup and sprinkles.. Police think he topped himself.
What is College Feminism? What is college feminism? 10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers
What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events? A topical rainforest.
I was going to tell a joke about the earth... Then I realized it was pretty terrable.
Why can't Albert Einstein drive? Because he never learned.
My stoner neighbors got divorced but it's okay because they got joint custody
Yo mamma so fat... ...she doesn't jump, she pushes the earth away from her, and it falls back to her.
The worst part about eating at Outback is when I don't finish my steak and they hang my picture on the 'Wall of Faggots'.
I once held a PHD in the field of literature And then he asked me to put him down and pick up all the books I threw all over the grass
Paedophiles Pedophiles are really only a minor concern
What do you call an unimportant pachyderm? It's irrelephant.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, feminists can't change anything.
What's red and has seven dents in it? Snow Whites cherry.
How many lives does a Nazi cat have? Nein
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
What's a pirates favorite class? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt
People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.
What's the definition of "trust"? Two cannibals doing 69.
Recently asked my North Korean buddy how it was over there... He said he couldn't complain.
Helium walks into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender says "Sorry. We don't serve noble gases here". He doesn't react.
as your casket is lowered into the cold, fresh earth, i lean down to you, my love, and whisper my final word..."unfollowed"
How did the firefly react when he was stepped on? He was delighted.
I'm so sick of all the Irish stereotypes... As soon as I put down this beer, I'm going to punch someone!
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *choking noise*
ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining? [A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]
If you're starved for time, eat a watch.
Eve: Wrong hole! Adam: Sorry, it's my first time. How do U know it's the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it's just us two you know
What did the sea monster have for dinner? Fish and ships.
Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.
Christmas Presents To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present... They are due back at the library today.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop... I've that.
What kind of cheese do you use to hide a small horse? Mascarpone!
My teacher thought my essay on Brokeback Mountain was irrelevant to the class. But he said he wanted an essay about the male gays in film!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't stop quoting Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I cut butter with a regular knife and now it won't stop crying like a little bitch.
What sound does a Nintendo Ambulence make? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U.
What goes up and down but does not move? Stairs
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks... But I didn't even try and mine's been playing dead for an hour!
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just shoot the room for being black.
I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.
This one is for the Electricians A black guy, a red guy and a blue guy all walk into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve your kind around here, this here is the neutral bar".
How do we know God likes condoms? Because Adam was ribbed for Eve's pleasure
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Possibly better for r/dadjokes, I'll show my self out.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Rick Astley told me that you could borrow any of his Disney movies, except Up He's never gonna give you Up...
I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting... I wonder what she's up to now.
Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying to call the zoo for hours! Zookeeper: Yes all our lions were busy!
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I'm going to go against the Circlejerk here and say that I am really starting to like Mayweather It's really starting to Warmup, without getting Overlyhot as it does during Midsummer.
What do you get if you cross a trout with an  apartment ? A flat fish !
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but how do you get them in there?
I think I might go gold mining today... Aurum just gonna stay at home and relax.
I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p. I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
5 jokes at once. Q: how to tell 5 jokes at once? A: One direction
If you make $200 an hour you can't complain that your employer is fucking you Because $200 an hour is a very reasonable rate for getting fucked.
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? We used to be really tight until you let that dick come between us.
how can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit your wife's clothes. Yes, I know this isn't OC. Nothing on reddit is.
Just saw a guy on rollerblades. He was surprisingly sweat-free for having presumably "bladed" here from 1991.
What does Mortal Kombat and a church in Helsinki have in common? Finnish Hymn!
Depression isn't officially on the menu at Taco Bell, but it comes with every meal Truth
I use to bleach my bangs so I know about regret.
What was Spider Man's major in college? Web Design.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you're interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn't our lawn ever look that nice?"
I signed a petition to end women's suffering yesterday. Oops. Sorry: autocorrect. *suffrage.
I saw a dog taking a dump and I totally thought of you.
RSVP: yes no yes now but then no later on
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think "you dirty bastard".
*she leans in close* 'kyle, what's your wildest fantasy?' *i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*
My favorite Christmas joke: Why do Mexicans have tamale making parties on Christmas Eve? So the kids have something to unwrap on Christmas morning.
Why do you need to be 35 to be elected president? So women don't get elected.
What do mice do when they're at home ?  Mousework !
Your face is kinda similar to a planet... ''Oh yeah, Which one?'' ''Uranus''
Why did the bandit from Burma vote for Trump and Hillary to be the primary candidates? Because, Master Wayne, some men just want to watch the world burn.
I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.
Why are there only 49 'Black Miss America' contestants? Because none of them want to be Miss I-da-ho
Girls are like league of legends You put in time and money just to get fucked
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts "No this is Creative WRITHING class" Other student squirms around on floor "Very good Todd"
SexyButtPotato So somebody has been uploading my nudes from when I was a teen... Makes me mildly uncomfortable. http://imgur.com/5Gd9VUI
Blacksmith asked, do you have any experience in horseshoeing? "Yes, I once told a horse to fuck off."
ooh n aah Q whats the difference between ooh and aah? A About 3 inches.
What is a blind persons favourite song? Hello darkness my old friend
As soon as he clicked on the title he realized that someone was narrating him while he was browsing reddit. He chuckled and left an upvote, ready to read some more jokes.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy
I came up with a great pirate joke, but my friend stole it. A cruel Arr-any, m'friends.
Cucumbers are 95% water, Jesus can walk on water... I can walk on cucumbers so I am 95% Jesus.
How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had? He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...
A Mexican man has two penises. What did he name them? Jose and Hose B.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Blurgblurgblurg
Why hiring foreign workers can be bad... Boss: Where were you born? Woman: Germany Boss: Really? Which part? Woman: what you mean which part? Whole body born in Germany!
Dwayne Johnson has said that he would run for President... As long as he isn't up against paper, then he should win.
This sentence contains exactly threeee erors. The third error? The fact that there are only two errors. The fourth error? Running this gag.
Why do black people have nightmares? Because the last one that had a dream got shot.
Two men were arguing when one goes: 'Come at me, you wanna fight? You can bring all your friends vs me'..... ... And then I'll beat up the BOTH of you.
dad, we have ants on the counter! Hey, some of them are uncles, moms, and dads. (Thanks dad)
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her? By rearranging the furniture.
What does Trump call his immigration plan? Order 66.
What did the peadophile say when he was released from prison? I feel like a kid again
I once had a friend who really wanted to get run over by a steam train When he did he was chuffed to bits
melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog
I've decided to avoid Turkey this Thanksgiving... Way too close to Syria.
What do you call a 20th century grammar nazi? Alt-Write
lol How much did the Holla Caust? 6 Million Jews
Ask someone how they're doing & they'll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I like my coffee like my women.. Ice cold and overly expensive.
A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States." The receptionist: "What are you an idiot?" Redneck: "Why is it required?"
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word Me: Hired Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Why did the French chef commit suicide? He lost the huile d'olive
fuck homosexuals... ...in the ass, only if both of the people involved agree to do it consciously and consensually
Whats the difference between driving and getting a blowjob? I can only hold one beer when I'm driving.
Gold Medal What's better than winning a gold medal at the special Olympics? Not being retarded!
What's that pig doing in the middle of the road  with a red light on its head? Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine?
I asked my cat "Who is your favorite President of China?" According to her it's Mao.
What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist? "Let me be Frank with you."
If you drop your cellphone in water put it in a bowl of rice... It will attract an Asian who will fix it for you. (just heard from buddy of mine)
I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.
Dark jokes aren't everyone's cup of liquefied babies
Where can I find that "4 Out Of 5 People Get Money In Their Birthday Cards" Birthday Card? I've been checking online with no luck, unless I'm checking the wrong place
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back 4 seconds
[kelloggs meeting] "okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?" a chicken "jim is there something wrong at home?"
Two gold fish are sitting in a tank... Two gold fish are sitting in a tank. One gold fish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
2015 twilight zone episode abt me wanting to get jacked so my clothes fit better but then I get so jacked they look too tight and weird
Dad can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please? Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet I remember looking for it when I was a boy!
You want the good Dorne plotline... ...but you get da bad pussay
Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink. Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP. Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I invited Alan over for dinner. "Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he's Captain America?" *a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Have you ever worked in a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock.
What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before? Deja phew!
What did the cashew say to the sneezing peanut? "Yes, what is it?"
Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic
I didn't know that numbers were Irish until I started telling time.
I fell asleep in the shower last night I guess you could say I had a few wet dreams
What's worse than a baby stapled to a tree? A baby stapled to ten trees.
TIL there are a lot of #1 rules for being a prostitute
If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild then place your thumb and index finger tips together- make a bandit mask. They will accept you.
Is there a morning after pill to erase all the texts from the night before?
"No one cares about the jews" "Yeah, they do" "No they don't. During the holocaust i killed 3 jews and one clown" "Why one clown?" "See? No one cares about the jews"
"What are you doing, idiot?"  me, to other drivers on the road "What are you doing, idiot?"  me, to myself, in all other situations
[opens fortune cookie] be careful what you wish for [opens another] this is your final warning
Why did Henry VIII fail his classes? Because he lost all his Tudors.
What do u call an ethopian with a feather up his ass? A dart
Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days? He forgot the safe word.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet ME: stand back i have mace MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
So I hear they're building a new Cloud City... In orLANDO Florida.
If i would gift every redditor reddit gold how much will it cost me ? A small loan of a million dollars.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn't find her cigarette.
What's the worst thing when being told you have Alzheimer's? It doesn't just happen the once.
I know a woman who owns a taser... Let me tell you, she's stunning!
The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile got in a huge accident earlier. I never sausage a thing in my life. In frank, it was the wurst.
What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella? The umbrella can be shut up.
I like my coffee like I like my women. Without a penis
What do crazy girlfriends and chocolate have in common? They both kill your dog
Literally The Best Joke Ever. The Best Joke Ever.
I recently broke up with my long term Japanese girlfriend... She didn't seem to understand so I had to drop the bomb on her twice.
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.
I'm great at drinking and driving but I would never do them at the same time.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash] I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your feet. "OMG why?" You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
You can't hear me! She: "You are so deaf. You never hear me." He: "I heard you. I was just looking at my new watch." She: "Oh yeah? What kind is it?" He: Six o'clock!"
I'm currently writing a musical about diggers trapped in a mine. I think it's gonna be in the key of A-flat minor.
Why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken
[OC] Why did Caitlyn Jenner lose custody rights of her kids? Her kids couldn't see her anymore, she was a trans-parent.
SuperMan, A Nice American and A fat American were having a race, who won ? the fat American, because the other 2 are fictional characters
I overdosed on Viagra once... ...It was the hardest day of my life
I'm like the mafia to my son. He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Donald Trump truly made history... Winning an argument against a woman.
My rare penny collection isn't very wise... It completely lacks common cents.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? (Kinda dark) One's fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a delicious snack.
[Excavation for dino bones] DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG! DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I'll finish up
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Well I guess none; they just put the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.
I went to an Anti- Abortion rally... Their slogan was "our movement is unstoppable, they will never defetus"
He's making a list, he's checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice. Donald Trump is coming to town ! 
Why do elephants do well in school ? Because they have a lot of grey matter !
My jokes are pretty deep Cos they are mine
If I get $1 for every racist joke.. I'd be rich enough and black people would start robbing me.
What is Pi squared? Pop-tart.
Why did the hotel refuse hospitality to the Navy? They didn't want their rooms covered with seamen.
In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg... That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!
I had some stir-fry delivered. I don't really like liver.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I would never have a threesome. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.
I'm starting to think my Girlfriend doesn't like me anymore. Last time we talked on the phone.. she told me she had to go cause there was a telemarketer on the other line
Run over by a Limo My mate got run over this morning by a limousine, it took fucking ages...
How do you...? How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Give it aids.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I used to know a joke about Jonestown... but the punchline's too long.
What's 69?... (NSFW) A great sexual position. What's 6.9? A great sexual position interrupted by a period.
Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we're going to wait for your friend, she's the hot one.
My father has a big wallet and drives a huge car! He's a busdriver.
Make like my dick... and fuck your mother.
Just been sent to jail for the first time and spent the first half hour getting ass raped. My Uncle Frank takes Monopoly far too seriously
I thought "#2 pencil" meant a poopy finger. Guess that explains the low test scores.
What kind of guns do bees use? BeeBee guns
Damn Girl Do You Work At Subway? Cause you're making me a foot long.
I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
After the title "The Fate of the Furious", I just need next 2 movies to be titled Fast *nein* : The Fast and the *Furher*ious Fast10 : your seatbelt
My wife called me a paedophile yesterday Quite a long word for a 9 year old.
Did you hear about the most recent police shooting? I heard they killed a law-abiding, productive member of society.
Why are most cemeteries fenced in? Because everyone is dying to get in
Who are the most intelligent monsters? Zombies (because, Braiiiiiiins!!!)
gotta love cousins... what do you call a hispanic man who's car got jacked? Carlos. what do you call the italian man who stole it? Carmine.
I forgot the joke about the Jonestown Massacre. All I remember is that the punchline killed
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up
If ignorance is bliss there should be a lot more people with smiles on their faces.
Where do bacteria go when they die? St. Petri Dish.
What Did One Eye Say To Another Eye? Don't Look Now But Something Between Us Smells
Why can't Bane play baseball? He always breaks the bat.
Question: In China... ...is everything "Made in China"?
Me: "Goodnight Bed." Bed: "New foam who dis?"
What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon? One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck? He was trying to bust a move
Q: Why was the young bear so spoiled? A: Because his mother "panda'd" to his every whim!
hello 911? this monkey isnt yelling PARKOUR whilst hes swinging through trees
I know I'm more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Know what a 6.9 is? Another good thing screwed over by a period
Girl, me without you is like the History Channel without World War Two.
You guys ever hear the joke about the pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy... Those pizza jokes are all about the delivery.
My neighbor crashed her car while listening to Adele. She went rolling in the Jeep
Do you like tapes and CDs? Cuz I'm gonna tape my dick to your forehead, so you can see deez nuts.
TIFU by eating my brother's extra hot Subway sandwich! Whoops, wrong sub.
There is only one thing that could possibly stop Messi's unstoppable form Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick
Somebody once told me I was a real skeptic... I didn't believe 'em.
I'm not good-looking enough to be this stupid.
What's the difference between a theatre-snack muncher and a person who watches police sex scenes? One likes popcorn, the other likes cop-porn.
What type of energy supplement do terrorist take? C4
"And for our next lesson, we'll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana" - Rosetta Stoned
I had a lovely threesome with my girl friend and her twin He is a lovely chap
Pirates and the Alphabet How come pirates can't say the alphabet? They always get lost at "c".
what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? the taste.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I'd choke to death swallowing it.
Did you hear the one about the sexually promiscuous citrus fruit? He got lemon aids.
How do Muslims close a door? Islams it.
does this typewriter come w emojis
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak!
Anyone looking for a job should consider becoming an elephant circumsiser... ... the pay isn't too great, but the tips are enormous!
How does Tom Brady like his soda? Flat.
Nobody believes in racial profiling until they get a sushi chef with red hair.
What do fables and STDs have in common? Both can be passed on orally!
I like my coffee like I like my women... Hot, dark and bitter.
If Hide and Seek was created by the Arabs... It would be called Hide and Sheikh
Why did the student fail his physics test? He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
Why was the little bear so spoiled ?  Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !
A simple guide on how politics works Fuck you
I hate it when people think I'm dumb. I follow current events. Like the World Cup, for instance. I'm totally rooting for Vuvuzela.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don't even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Breaking News: It turns out OJ Simpsons son actually killed Nicole Brown Simpson. OJ's son asked him if he could have an advance on his allowance. OJ told him "Go axe yer mother"
Knock Knock "Who's there?" "Walter White." Of course.
Sometimes when my dogs piss me off I put their leashes on them, then I sit on the toilet for 20 mins and make them watch.
it's my birthday today. IK Fuck you too.
i ate my weight in goldfish crackers. i'm hoping to poop a shark.
Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.
Why can't you run through a campsite? Because you ran when it's past tents.
Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference.
There's a wormhole in the center of my bagel.... "Of course, that's not a Cinnamon-Rosen bagel....you bought an EINSTEIN-Rosen bagel!"
i hate when you google stuff like 'insidious' it gives you the definition but when you google 'butt' it doesn't. define butt for me damn it
A car goes to the grocery store... For the first time, who didn't see one's part because it was the only one left
The people who wear Bluetooth headsets always look like the people least likely to ever receive phone calls.
I'm a senior in college with 2 semesters left, and I'm considering picking up a minor Do I lie about my age, or do I just offer to buy her cigarettes and booze?
eer booze and fun!' 'Ever hear the expression "hard drinker" ? Never made much sense to me drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.
What do Polar Bears eat for lunch? Ice Bergers.
A guy is fucking his sister... she says "it's weird you fuck like dad" and he answers "yeah that's what mom said too".
You're not allowed to tweet screenshots of chats where you're the one who says the funny thing.
This mothers day send the gift of Microsoft Office Word to your mother
I've lost my dog! Have you tried putting a message on the Internet? Don't be silly my dog never reads e-mails!
I was so embarrassed when I got an erection during a prostate exam. Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor.
Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can't even do being unconscious right.
What did one amputee say to the other? I'm as stumped as you are!
Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.
What's the difference between a triangle and Manchester United ? A triangle has three points
"Beat me." said the masochist. "No." said the sadist.
The phrase "Whatever floats your boat" is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that's going to float your boat is water.
Why one's dick can be only 11 inches long? Because if it's longer, it's called a foot.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair
It has been reported that listening to the band Queen links to giving you autism due to the high Mercury content.
My math teacher called me average the other day. I thought it was mean.
If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio
I don't really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I saw a dwarf escaping prison yesterday, and as he was climbing down the outer fence he turned and sneered at me. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
Sam left work after a tiring day. 'Take the bus  home' suggested a friend. 'My mother would only make me take it  back' Sam said.
with all of Canada's recent Olympic successes ... I was just thinking that we must ... have been on our 'eh' game. YEEEAAAHHH!!!
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."
This is a dark one! A black baby, pickle and a blender. what do you get? A Nickle!
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There's no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Studies show unprotected sex has over an 8 percent chance of causing Cancer. The same study found a near equal chance of causing Gemini or Sagittarius.
My penis tingles when I'm in danger. Wait, nevermind; she said danger was her middle name.
My girlfriend and I play a game where we see who can yell rape the loudest while having sex. She doesn't know we play it but she still wins every time.
He's hot, I swear! Hang on, let me find another photo...
I love Isis She's my favourite pharaoh.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
A Star Wars Joke(No Spoilers) Why was Han yelling at Chewbacca on their first day on the Millenium Falcon? . . . Because Chewie was making too many wookie mistakes!
I wonder how many kids with dyslexic parents are getting gifts from Satan tomorrow? ZING!
Walked into Olive Garden, yelled "I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN," then stormed out & slammed the door because when you're there, you're family.
I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.
[Sportsjoke] How do you know it's going to be a white christmas? It's approaching with deceptive speed.
What kind of transportation does the Pope take? Mass transit.
I bought a pair of shoes off my drug dealer... And they must have been laced with something, cause I've been tripping all day.
Mad Man Wife: How would you feel if I die? Husband: I will go mad with grief. Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you? Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!
Good night everyone. There's a pillow with my name on it. It's a long story. But basically, I had a brief obsession with needlework.
A fish runs in to a wall and says... "Dammit Donald!"
Why was the piano teacher arrested? He kept fingering A minor.
People often ask me if weed hurts memory I'd tell them but i don't remember.
Q: Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street? A: Because she didn't want to go.
People with Tourette's would be great to take to improv shows where they take audience suggestions.
The invention of the jackhammer. . . It was groundbreaking. [Side Note] I have already posted this on  /r/badpuns but, that seems inactive so, I decided to repost it here.
I just ordered a door bell on Amazon... Shit, how am I gonna know when it gets here?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
what's brown and goes through walls? a poopy spooky
So there are 2 fish in a tank... And one says to the other: "Hey, how do you drive this thing??"
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don't text me back.
What happens when a cow jumps over a barb-wire fence? udder destruction
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming "That's not what I said!"
Kanye West wants to be president... But no one man should have all that power.
Elevator A man walks into an elevator occupied by a woman. He asks, "Can I smell your feet?" She says, "Certainly not!" He says, "Hmmm, must be your pussy then."
Why is sex during a camping trip so exciting? It's in tents.
The first rule of Tautology club... The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club. ^credit^to^xkcd^[here](http://xkcd.com/703/)
I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.
I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America's shield. That's probably his weak point.
What do you call a man with no arms &amp; no legs... ...hanging on the wall? Art ...floating in the sea? Bob ...laying on the floor? Matt ...down in a hole? Phil ...sitting in a pot? Stu ...
A little advice on poetry..... If you don't know if you like a poem or not just perform the ex lax test. See if it moves you
Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT
Yesterday I saw a little kid who kept refusing to go home for a nap. He was resisting a rest.
What do you say when someone makes a racially insensitive comment? That's insensitive, you retard.
This drink tastes like the neighbors will be hearing late night small arms fire. I swear I just saw a coyote or a squirrel or a tree or a...
Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin looks at the other one and say, "Oh my god we're gonna die in here!" The other muffin looks back and says, "Holy Moly! A talking muffin!"
Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up? They were just never on the same page...
Why did the stoner admire himself in the mirror everyday? Because he has a high opinion of himself
"Hello, is this the number for Japanese food?" "No, it's Chinese. Sorry, Wong number."
What do you call 12 enchiladas? A footilada!
Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!
A liar, a murderer, and a thief walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "what will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"
Who do hamburgers love on TV? Archie Bunker's son-in-law the meathead!
Why do most men hate Russian dolls? Because they're so full of themselves.
Why hasn't Mexico won any medals in the Olympics? Because all the Mexicans who can swim well, jump high and run fast are in the United States.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo. Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
What do you call the famous astronomer whose observations were the foundation of Kelper's great works. Typo Brahe.
I didn't like my haircut at first, but it grew on me.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? The Spanish Inquisition.
What did the egg say to the boiler water? It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid last night.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out "OBJECTION" and then contradict the one wearing something you don't like.
What's the easiest way to come out of the closet? 1. Open door 2. Walk out
Your cough turns me on "That's sick."
Got in a fight with my boner this morning; Don't worry i beat it single handedly.
Why did Helen Keller stop cleaning her dishes? She was running out of things to read.
Do headphones just tie themselves in knots while we're not looking?
A Chinese man goes to the eye doctor complaining of poor eyesight in his left eye. The doctor says "I see you have a cataract". The Chinese man says, "No I don't...I have a rincoln continental."
A wise old man once told me... ...to bend over.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Volunteer shark bait is a much more inspiring name for surfers
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
Have you heard about the new car park crime statistics? It's wrong on so many levels.
What do you call a cook with ebowla espatula ill be here all night guys
My friend immediately started crying when we found 3 pairs of shoes for $5. She cant stand good buys.
I am Dyslexia of Borg Your ass will be laminated.
Gary Johnson withdraws from the Libertarian Ticket. Replaced by Harambe. That's right. Johnsons out for Harambe!
How can you get hundreds of women wet all at once? Go to a john mayer concert!
What do you say to ensure another Jehovah's Witness never comes by your house again? Sir, have you heard about the great workout of crossfit?
Do you know what a blond and a tornado have in common? They both blow for a living.
Kanye West was hospitalized... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter (centre).
What do you get if you cross an illiterate african american with an illegal hispanic immigrant looking for a green card? A U.S soldier.
What city loves to eat sandwiches? Koldcutta
Would you like to try some binary cake? Sure, I'll have a little bit.
What do you call a floating penis? space junk
I was sad when I learned Steve Irwin died... .. but at least he died the same way he lived: with animals in his heart.
Why are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Godzilla, Mothra, and Battra all walk into a bar... The building owner must now pay $100,000 due to property damage.
Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist? Don't worry, he can read lips.
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock down your throat.
I keep trying to tell my friend a joke about his broken pencil, but he's missing the point.
What is Donald Trump's favorite album? The Wall
Apparently, In Sweden parents aren't allowed to spank their kids. Like that would bother me, I don't do foreplay.
Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing.
My highschool sweet heart is the mother of my two children. But apparently, my wife isn't too happy about it.
Few people have the balls to admit when they're wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
What does a Mexican Morpheus say? Neo, you are the Juan ... I'll show myself the door...
What do you call a nap in computer science class? A CS-ta
My sister's lucky she married a doctor She says she has access to way more treatment options than normal patients.
I used to be afraid of the dentist But now I know the drill.
We can't afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
What did the prostitute bring to the can drive? Her peas
Teacher "Hi, why are you here?" Me "Um, isn't this the beginners' philosophy class?" Teacher "Yes and you're off to a really bad start."
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb, the other to hold the ~~penis.~~ ladder.
Hey Hollywood, time to start using a new fake phone number. This 555 bullshit takes me out of the moment every time.
If you don't believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Congratulations /r/Jokes! You are subreddit of the day! Come check it out!
Something you don't want to hear in a sonogram... Doctor: There is the head...see they hand, they're waving.... and look! It's a boy! Wife: Is it supposed to be that big?
A bishop came to Church Today Clearly he was an impostor. Never once moved diagonally.
Me: ..and a small sprite. McDonald's Girl: Want a large? All sizes are only $.99 Me: I ASKED FOR SMALL YOU DIABETES PEDDLER ok gimme a large
i was gonna make a mexican joke but i decided i'm not gonna cross that border u feel me #Respect
I'm not saying he's a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald's drive thru.
Do you want to hear a joke about pizza? nevermind its so cheesy
What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church? The woman in church has hope in her soul.
Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany? Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!
My girlfriend's extremely flexible, which comes in handy for sex. I say, "when do you wanna have sex?" and she replies "I'm free whenever".
What is the only planet you can visit on Earth? Ur anus
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My friend had asked me for tips that may help his erectile dysfunction Apparently, a hotter wife wasn't a good answer.
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in.
I have a great HIPPA joke! But I can't tell you.
Psychiatrist cannibal by day, pop star singing sensation by night Hannibal Montanibal
[heaven] IAN: I only regret the things I didn't do ME: Me too I: Like, I didn't swim with dolphins. You? M: I didn't stop poking a bear
I was hoping to be friends with benefits.. because my health insurance sucks!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My girlfriend has a fetish for feet Every time I go to see her she adds a few more to the restraining order.
In regards to the recent ruble crash in Russia A Russian boy asks his father "Daddy, can I have 5 ruble for buy milk bread and vodka?" His father replies "20 ruble? What you need 50 ruble for?"
I like my women like Hillary Nasty and exposed !
Studies have shown there is a direct correlation between a woman's insecurity and the amount of selfies she posts each day.
Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.
Did you hear about what happened with the elk? It was really amoosing.
What do you call a pregnant air hostess Pilot error
Massive victory for business ethics advocates! After years of negotiation and hard work, an industry-wide agreement has finally banned opticians from using contracts containing small print.
The French are such nice people. (would have been funnier a few decades ago) Do you know why all of the streets in France are lined with trees? The Germans like marching in the shade.
What do you call man without toes? What do you call a man without toes and is allergic to milk? Lack-toes intolerant!!
Where do the gays in New Mexico live? Santa FE GUURLL!!!!
How to explain to your parents that you are a prostitute Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on "chocolate."
Have you heard the one about the roof? never mind, just forget about it, it's probably over your head.
They say not to go to the grocery store when you're hungry, but I ran out of food and few days ago, and it's just getting worse. :(
I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.
Tampon is the worse thing to call a woman. A stuck up cunt
What if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again...
My ass is going through some serious shit right now The reverse is also true
Try saying "I heaven this order" three times. Nothing wrong if you do :)
What's the difference between a race car and a woman? One costs a lot of money to maintain, keep running, and give you the results you want. The other has four wheels.
I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.
Geeze, how's all the news in Nepal? It's really shaking me up!
I was in a tailor. I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding." "What's that?" he queried. "A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.
I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn't lose him Therapist: Not a bad thing Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My little girl was staring at the letters on my coffee mug she's very QRS about the alphabet.... I'll see myself out.
What are a psychoanalysts first words to a suicide bomber? "What makes you tick?"
How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask him/her to pronounce unionized Edit: Gets 3000+ upvotes, Karma remains at 20...
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My kids aren't going to believe in Santa. They're going to believe in a magical Unicorn that barfs the presents under the tree.
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me.  Are you having trouble hearing? Pupil: No teacher I'm having trouble listening!
I don't give out fake number anymore. I just tell them to find me on facebook.
I like my women like I like my coffee: All over my lap while I'm driving.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
No Soap. Radio!!!
Bae: Come over. Romeo: Can't. You're a Capulet, I'm a Montague. Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over. Romeo: Also, you're 13.
I'm selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
How do you see fish semen? You Blow-Fish!
I was masturbating, looked up and saw my mom standing there. I was really freaked out. Because she died 6 years ago.
When is Independence Day 2 coming out? 9/11
It sucks how if you say hi to someone once, you're now committed to saying hi to them the rest of your entire life.
Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his George Clooney movies... But he's never gonna give you Up In the Air.
Donald Trump chose Mikey Pence as his vice-president... Did anyone else realize that Mickey and Donald will run America from now on? Walt Disney also could not have imagined this...
Why was the Trebuchet so rude? It was an offensive siege weapon!
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I'd like to put a big red bow on the coffin of the guy who came up with those Lexus ads.
"I'm calling you because you're easy." "You're not even very good." "You're just the best I can do this late." Dominos: "Your order, Sir?"
How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? 11. 1 to change the lightbulb & 10 to take 200 photos of it & clog my newsfeed.
To all the US redditors, remember to set the clock back an hour on Sunday and not set the country back 50 years on Tuesday.
I miss you... then I eat something and it goes away...
When I'm on phone with tech support or costumer service, I say the whitest shit. "Sure thing" - "You bet" - "Correct" - "Tell me about it"
Two were sitting in the table on a bar First one: We are leaving. Second one: No, we are staying. First one: WE ARE LEAVING. Battery on my phone is 4%.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn't want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
What is better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics? Having two legs
My girlfriend accused me of cheating She sure is starting to sound like my wife
When a family member unexpectedly dies what's the proper waiting period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan??
If your avatar is you in a bikini, but it's the type that stays tiny when you click it, it may as well be turds in the shape of a swastika
Food is like dark humour Not everyone gets it
How many nuns are there in a temple? Nun.
Why does Stephen Hawking have a boring sex life? You can't 69 in binary.
I don't know what hurts my wrist more, playing volleyball or watching women's volleyball!
i just found a web site where you can see women with no clothes on not even underwear! brb!
Why does Ariel the Mermaid wear seashells? She grew out of her B - shells!
I got in an argument with Kobe Bryant. I now have Kobe Beef.
I'm sure I didn't invent this joke, but i thought of it myself. What do you call a dog/ octopus hybrid? A Dog-opus! What about a cat/ octopus hybrid? an Octo-puss... buddum tiss*
So Putin and Erdogan walk into a bar. Sorry, a war.
Be the change you want to find in your couch.
What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money's tight these days!
I'll never forget the day I said "Ride down this hill" and became the greatest bobsled coach in Olympic history.
i have a question for ron gaul why was my wife screaming your name last night?
A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with - If elected I promise..
What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Hey you see that Russian car over there? When I was in Moscow I saw a Lada them.
What's a dentists favorite time? Tooth hurty
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I too like my women the same way as I like my coffee... Constantly berating me making me wish I was dead.
"Good morning ladies!" The blind man announced as he strolled through the fish market.
Why can't you see a transgender who's a dad? Because he's a transparent. Apologies if I could've worded it different.
What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
The United States has such bad luck It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...!
I love Halloween... It's the only time of the year that I can lure young children in with candy without using my van.
"Metric system? You mean the easy measurement system based upon multiples of 10, that every other country uses? Na. We're good." - America
My secret to sleeping is I put my bed outside When I go to bed I'm always out cold
If only Darwinian theory worked on request.
Constipated Mathematician Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
I almost bought a 5 pound bag of mini-eggs at costco. Then I saw the 10 pound bag.
Jamaican space program. Have you heard of the Jamaican space program? they just keep getting higher and higher and higher......
Me: I made you a playlist... Her: OMG! THAT'S SO ROMANTIC! Me: It only has songs about food.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl? He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.
What's red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Got kicked out of the Renaissance Fair after seeing an Asian wearing a breastplate. I said there was a chink in the armor.
What's a Yankee? It's like a quickie except you do it yourself.
My wife told me to stop singing Oasis And I said *maybe*....
It gets cold in Alaska during the winter. Juneau what I mean?
Why is it we trust politicians with creating jobs when they don't know a thing about working?
Customer: "Do you sell a 'best of' Enya album here?" Cashier: "What do you want - a blank CD?"
19 and 20 had a fight to the death. When they were done only 1 was left.
Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
Trainer: "ok, lets warm up 1st....wait, where are you going!?" Me: "tanning bed"
I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking. But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Edit: For clarification, that's the joke.
In Scotland we have a saying-"If ye cannae clackit ye widnae brackit." Nobody knows what the fuck it means.
What did tie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll hang around.
Nine out of ten doctors suggest you drink water instead of soda. The one that doesn't lives in Flint, Michigan.
I just finished doing 100 push-ups over a period of 8 years
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd? One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" The other says, "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe!
How do the Lanisters make large beds? They put two twins together to make a king.
What's the latest big thing to sweep across Japan? The ocean.
Knock Knock.. (joke) who is there? Nicole. Nicole Who? Nicole never bothered me anyway.
What do you call a chinese guy with a long penis? Long Wang... or nonexistent whatever you prefer
I just got my first hand job. I'm officially a manicurist.
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Ask her to roll up her sleeve.
What does a boat have in common with a ballsack? They both have a lot of seamen
you're honor, my client- hold on.. *long recess w/ client* ok my really high client wants to know if he can eat his Cheetos during the trial
What do women and parking spots have in common? All the good ones are already taken, and the available ones are either pay or handicapped.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships.
Ass. You've got a donkey. I've got a rooster. Your donkey bites one of the legs off of my rooster. What's the end result? One foot of my cock up your ass.
Me: do you like bad boys? Her: no Me: are you sure? Her: [covers her dog's ears] okay yes
Knock Knock Who's there ! Becca ! Becca who ? Becca the net !
Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? - A:  Catnip!
"i would like to propose a toast" - slice of bread
"Fight Fire with Fire!" - motto of my town's least successful volunteer fire company
There is a new breakfast cereal for impotent men Nuttin' Raisin Honey
They say puns are bad to bring up during gay sex... Butt fuck that.
I can't remember what age I am? Last time I checked I was 15, and that was 10 years ago!
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay 200 to let a lentil in my mouth.
I went to the doctor today and he told me to stop masturbating so much. "Why?" I asked. "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Tonight I made some synonym rolls Just like Grammar used to make
How did Jack get rich? His bean-stock went up.
Jokes about the blind aren't funny. Can't people see that?
Gimme your best Mickey Mouse/Disney character joke! Going on a Disney Cruise and need your funniest, raunchiest or most nasty joke involving a Disney character.
Remember when Michael Jackson hung his baby off that balcony as a goof? He's dead now.
What breed of dog loves to take a bath? A shampoodle
What do you call a football fan with a cold? A sneezing ticket holder.
Obviously chocolate was created for women It's called HERshey, not HISshey
What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to motivate his colleagues? Underlay! Underlay!
Women are just like an oven before you stick any cake batter in them, you have to preheat.
What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife? A prostitute says "Faster, faster!" A girlfriend says "More, more!" A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Two priests in a car... ... as a cop pulls them over. "Sir, we are looking for two child molesters..." The priests look at each other and after a short moment the driver says: "Okay, we'll do it"
My pet rock likes to dent people's heads. I don't blame him
[at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello
What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull doing so? The pit bull gets to finish.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar... The bartender asks "why the long face?"
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn't just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.
Why did the Tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Sean Connery the plumber, available 24/7, rain or shnow. Becaushe the shitty never shleeps.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
"I think we should-" Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other's sentences! Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
One of my employees took 6 months off work to get in touch with his inner child... ... he came crawling back
Nerdy joke What did the web server told the browser? My &lt;BODY&gt; is ready. What did the browser answer? Please give me &lt;HEAD&gt; first.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have  dinner with.
What did the Italian diver say when he saw an eel? That's a moray!
What's the most dishonest creature in the sea? The Lionfish.
What is the funniest two legged lizard? The stand-up chameleon.
If I say I'm going to meet my maker, it's just me having lunch with my parents.
You have an uncle named Jack. Would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?
Dark humor is a lot like food... Not everyone gets it
[answering machine] "Hi Mom, leave a message"
Chuck Norris once went sun-bathing... ...but unfortunately there were no towels available on the sun.
Relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night, because I'm wearing the same shirt as last night.
"Hey idiots - I don't have spikes" - The sun, to child artists
What did the wind turbine say to Justin Beiber? Justin, I'm a big fan. wheyyyyyyyyyyyy
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Why do ghosts say booOoOoo? Because they are disappointed in you...
Why did a chinese man ride a bike to the brothel? To get laid.
Did you guys hear about that Egyptian con-artist? Turns out he was running a pyramid scheme all along.
Einstein discovered three things slow time 1. Speed 2. Gravity 3. My Wife
What do you call a porpoise that acts like a Nazi? Adolfin'
Where do the elements go to church? At the Atomic Mass!!
Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind  wander? A: It's too little to be out alone.
what gets wet when it dries?? a towel
"My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner" I explain to the other homeless people.
An island for people who tell other people to smile
What's the difference between a kitten and your wife? You actually want to cuddle a kitten after you fuck it.
did you hear about the gipsy that had a glass baby married a fortune teller with a crystal ball.
My job is affecting my mental health Whenever I put my welding hood on, the world just seems like a dark place...
I like my coffee like I like my women... hot, blonde, and with extra room for cream. :-)
My bank sends a text with my balance. It's a nice feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.
Jokes about PMT are like GMT. There's no physical line but there's signs that let you know when you've crossed it.
Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
Knock knock . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Come in
Everyone should have that "tester" first twitter account to screw up and learn from... You know, kinda like that first child you have.
I like my women like I like my reality shows... ...Naked and Afraid
[on the phone with wife] Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin? "Tell me why." [winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
How to make friends with girls... Ask them to be your girlfriend.
Don't worry, officer, this isn't my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu? One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!
My penis was in a Guinness Book Of Records... ...but then they threw me out of the library.
Sometimes I feel like if it weren't for the free coffee and internet, I'd never go to work.
Just ate a Hot Pocket filled with pasta alfredo because my body is a landfill and I don't ever want a husband
What do you call the accidental nuclear bombing of a furniture plant? Chairnobyl.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some People have 10. Its simple meth.
Biggest fears: 4. Dancing in public 3. Spiders 2. Forgetting names 1. Dancing in public with spiders who's names I forget
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??
I can't decide if I want to watch the original Star Trek of The Next Generation... I guess you could say I'm stuck between a Spock and a Picard place!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? I'm gonna need some specs or an outline of the scope, before I can get you an estimate.
Why couldn't the Dairy Queen have any kids? Because she married Mr. Softy!
Why did Bernie Sanders cross the road? He didn't, he was distributed evenly on both sides. Bernie supporters, please don't downvote me to hell, it's just a joke
What's black and yellow and goes "Ahhhhh" A school bus falling off a cliff.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I asked my friend in North Korea what it was like living there.... He said he couldn't complain.
Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel
Reading the three bears to the boys and six says,"Goldilocks slept in every bed!" "Son.That's the meaning of life. Only date brunettes"
Why couldn't the Chinese herpetologist see out his car window? Because it was too froggy outside.
What do you get if you take the red circle off a Japanese flag? The French flag.
Which band does feminists hate the most? Cis-tem of a Down
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an "X" instead of "Christ". I think it's time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
A new band called 1025 MB is playing soon They just barely got a gig
What vehicle do bicycle riders take to the hospital? An Ambulance Armstrong
Patient: Doctor, doctor I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I think I am a wigwam and sometimes I think I'm a teepee. Doctor: Relax Mr. Robinson, you're two tents.
Yo mama joke(FNAF2) Yo mama is so ugly that even the puppet master was scared of her!
What did the Germans name the Israeli Submarine? Das Jude
EXEPT FOR TWO THINGS Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet
An Irishman offended everyone in the pub by making witty jokes about their mums. What was his name? O'Byrne
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. "We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle."
What's a pirate's favourite Roman numeral? You might think it's II, but his true love be the C.
What do you call a muslim holocaust? Sand Sanitizer.
You did not have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up.
If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna... You have selfie-steam issues.
What's the easiest way to pay a musician? Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza
Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in  a light bulb? A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.
What Do You Call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer? answer: ash
Did you hear about that invisible penis? It came out of nowhere...
What's a panda's favorite kitchen dish? A pan....duh
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
How do you keep a Redditor busy for hours? [Click Here](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ou62j/how_do_you_keep_a_redditor_busy_for_hours/)
Sometimes words just aren't enough. And that's why we have middle fingers.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus... even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head.
I like when a girl wears a pearl necklace But only for the first 10 seconds or so. You know, before it's hard and crusty
My brother shit himself.... my mom said holy shit
Had Irish 7 coarse meal for lunch today 6 pack and a baked potato. Was delicious!
What did the elephant say to the naked guy? That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
If I were to steal an experiment from a microbiology lab... ...would it be cultural appropriation?
The pope gets caught with child porn, he says: "Just looking at some old home videos at the Catholic Church". Still a joke guys, I don't actually mean it. :D
What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in
What do you call it when two transgender people go on a couples cruise around Hawaii? A trans pacific partner ship.
Why does beer go faster through you than milk? Unlike milk it doesn't have to change color. Why does Budweiser go faster through you than beer? Unlike beer it doesn't have to change taste.
Protip: If you're bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say "isn't that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?"
Vagina- jokes are not funny... Period!
A picture's worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post.
I hanged myself for being fat The rope broke
How do Ghosts lay foundations? With a spirit level!
My doctor said I shouldn't hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.
Sean Connery doing a knock knock joke (X-post from /shubreddit) Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery
People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like "Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph."
Why didn't the lesbian go to the bread festival? She already gets two times the normal amount of yeast.
An honest Joke Job interviewer: "What is your greatest weakness?" Young man: "Honesty" Job interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Young man: "I don't really give a shit what you think..."
[paying at chipotle] ME: i got a burrito CLERK: that'll be ten dollars ME: with guac CLERK: that'll be ten thousand dollars
Tonight's going to be a good night if I can get that stupid song out of my head. Otherwise, no.
They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds
Just finished the 5th book... In the 'Learning to count' trilogy
Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd just sit a blow bubbles all afternoon? Well, Bubbles is back in town and wondering how you're doing these days...
What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist fuck.
Why do Jewish guys get circumcised? Because Jewish women love anything 10 percent off.
SCIENTISTS HAVE FINALLY DISCOVERED THE CURE TO PREMATURE EJACULATION It's not out yet buy it's coming quickly !!
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
If I had to be in the military I'd probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot
A Harry Houdini Joke What is one thing Harry Houdini can't escape from? Stomach punches
I got in a fight with a coworker yesterday... He struck me as a very offended man.
My best friend has been diagnosed with HIV "Everything will be ok", I said, "just stay positive."
Governors that use foursquare probably get really angry when they become mayor of something.
What do you call a poor Italian community? a spaghetto.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.
What is the best celebration to have in a French Toilet? A biday party!!
What's the difference between Justin Bieber and a lawyer? Some adults like lawyers.
What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes? A pilot, you racist.
How to pick up a woman at Walmart. Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
What do you call two guys above a window? Kurt and Rod
What goes around.... still goes around, because life is a b**ch
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alaska ! Alaska who ? Alaska my mummy !
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.
I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.
Why don't we hear cannibal jokes anymore? Because after they ate the clowns, nothing is funny.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I really miss him.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow *100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed ? Out of the way !
Where in the world is Comic Sans, Diego?
Why are Suicide Bombers always angry ? Because of their Short Fuses.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills. You catch.
If you weigh a whale at a whale weigh station, where do you weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight? Me: 7:30. It's 2 hours 50 minutes Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30 "Back off ladies. He's mine"
What did one font say to the other while at the beach? "Serifs up, dude!"
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Kevin"
A governor is being inaugurated and there are snipers on buildings and based on my work in video games I'm offended I wasn't asked to help.
Why is Bieber never late? because he's always justin time
There are so many closet gay muslims, Isis just invaded Narnia.
Yo mama.. is so old that Steven Spielberg used her as a dinosaur consultant in Jurassic Park
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is black
Could yield signs be any more Canadian? "You might have to stop. I'm not sure. You decide. Do you like me? I'm on a street!"
Today I'm approaching teens dressed like I'm from the future, locking eyes, and saying "Happy Presidents Day, sir" with a wink
[OC] How does Haskell like his food? Curried.
A police officer just knocked on my door... and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Pfft, my dogs don't even own bikes, idiot.
Are all black people uncircumcised... Since they cum from the hood?
Knock knock Heisenberg Knock knock Who's there I am the one who knocks I am the one who knocks who You know exactly who I am say my name Heisenberg You're goddamn right.
Different Language Speakers, What are some jokes that are funny in other languages that don't translate well to English?
Want to hear a short joke and a long joke? Joke, Joooooooke!
"DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!" - Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*sneeze once* God bless you! *sneeze twice* God bless you. *sneeze three times* Get your shit together, Steve.
My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.
I treat my women like I treat my super cars I enjoy them a lot and they only exist in my dreams
Why are there no asian knights? Armor is pretty much useless once there's a chink in it.
What do you call a black hitchhiker? Stranded.
When you hang around pieces of shit You're bound to land in a bowl of piss
How do you propose to a stoner? Marriage ya wanna?
Girls: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Guys: I don't mind Girls: Like a huge mess Guys: ok Girls: Like dead bodies on fire Guys: ok
So my friend and I were playing chess. I said "why don't we make this interesting" so we stopped playing. Credit - I can't remember which comedian I stole this off but i am sure reddit will know
"My first wife didn't have a gag reflex" Wow that's amazing "Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes"
Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Before Google, there was memory.
What happened to the brain eating zombie that went to Washington? He starved to death.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce
How do you organize a Space Party? You Planet!
Why was the storm trooper such a good dad? He could never hit his kids.
In the final analysis, why did Yu do better than Hu? Hu died and left Yu king. Wait a minute - how can you so sure about what's after death? Who died and left you king? Isn't that what I just said?
How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.
What do you call a Mexican baptism? Bean dip
My Netflix subscription feels like one of those abusive relationships people are afraid of leaving.
What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer Balls. They're under a Buck!
I found out last night that trail mix makes me gassy. So, in reality, I don't know what the fuck makes me gassy.
I can't sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I'm an owl.
If you think it's "uncool" to love America, why don't you go see how "cool" it is to live in a country that doesn't have toilets or pizza.
Whoever said white people can't jump... clearly hasn't seen footage from 9/11
Three friends were casually talking. -I bumped into my Russian friend yesterday -Vladislav? -Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!
Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.
What is white and 14 inches long? Absolutely nothing. It's MLK weekend, lets have your best white jokes.
During Sex Girl: Promise Me you Won't Break My Heart..., Boy: you are completely Silly Dear it's Not That Much Long
I don't like rape jokes. They're always so forced.
Whichever way you cut it, it's always a piece of cake Title
People who are constipated are such activists. They're seriously always trying to start a movement...
What do you call a cow with no sense of humor? A Feminist.
What did the man say when his boss asked him to deal with some potassium? K.
teen son: 'cause the boyz n the hood are always hard /u come talkin that trash we'll pull your card mom: take out the trash & mow the yard.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I've rolled.
What happens if you cut off your left hand? You would be all right.
Everything's racist these days. You can't even say "black paint" anymore. You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".
A girl goes to the doctor... A girl asks her doctor "Are there many calories in sperm?". Doc replies "Look love, if you swallow, no one cares how fat you are!".
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a hooker with diarrhea? One shucks between fits...
The Egg Race Who came in first? The over easy egg because it was really runny. How about second? The over medium egg because it was only a little runny. And last? That would be the baked egg.
What kind of food do the cool fish eat when they study math? Algae bru
Sometimes I'll purposely spill gravy on my pants to give me an excuse to leave early. The real trick is sneaking the gravy into church.
Did you hear about that mexican murdering train driver? He had locomotives.
I took my girlfriend to a baseball game. I kissed her between every strike.... and she kissed me between the balls.
Pregnant by Jesus How come my wife never gets pregnant when Jesus screws her? Because she tells Him to come into her heart.
I was pumping some iron in the gym yesterday, when the trainer pointed out that the hole in the weights was supposed to be for attaching them to a bar.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word instant' and replaec it with sudden'
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly....... on a broomstick, we're flexible like that
I want to open a Jamaican/Irish/Spanish small plate breakfast restaurant And call it "Tapas the Mornin' to Ja." RIP Harris Wittels.
Riverbed My daughter asked me the other day if the riverbed had a "pillow"
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium] "...any questions?" Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly? "No" What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water? "Huh" How Can Birds Be R
The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.
Who succeeded the first President of the USA ? The second one !
The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.
I asked a homeless woman if I could take her home. She shyly said yes.... so I took her cardboard box and left.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That's how sound works.
What does Donald have up his sleeve? A Trump card.
Why are clouds like jockeys? Because they hold the reins!
If you could have a superpower, what would you pick? Cold War Russia
10 years ago, my teenage daughter ran away from home. I bumped into her the other day and she said "Dad, I have something to tell you. I'm a prostitute". I always knew she would suck seed.
When a newly married couple smile, everyone knows why. But when a fifteen year married couple smile every wonders why..!!!
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my foot up your ass.
Just started coaching some retarded children in football The passing isn't very good yet, but the dribbling is fantastic.
Why was the 1 year old Ethiopian boy crying? He was having a midlife crisis.
Did you here about the funny looking desert font? They call it comic sands
Jesus came to me the other night Please let me out.
What was wrong with Han Solo's "Hanburgers"? They were really Chewie!
Girl: "How do I look today?" Bruno Mars: "When I see your faceeee" Girl: "Ok ok I get it."
Yo mama is so stupid She thought the Hardy-Littlewood inequality was a theorem relating dick sizes.
I like my racist jokes like I like black people! I don't like black people.
It's hot as balls today. And by "balls" I mean "testicles".
I'm thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Dubai knows how to end the year with a BANG! I'm talking about the fireworks display guys.
When lesbians get married, which one makes the sandwiches? Neither! Everyone knows they prefer hot pockets
remember when people would choke on cinnamon to entertain the internet
My office's password has been hacked. That's the third time i've had to rename the cat.
For dinner last night, all I wanted was some bread that wasn't indian But we had naan
Stalin and Hitler Stalin: Hey Hitler, Wanna Hear a Joke? Hitler: Sure Broh Stalin: Stalingrad Hitler: I Don't Get It Stalin: Exactly
My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep
I can always determine how financially stable I am by how carelessly I press on the gas pedal.
What do you call a Harrison Ford one man show? A Han Solo performance.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.
Why are chickens never virgins? A: Because when they're born they get laid.
Bill Cosby is like Santa Claus He comes while you're asleep.
I wish I could find a girl that loved me as much as she loves her hair.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
What do you call an elf who lost all his toys? Legolas
If you ever think you're not creative, buy a Bowflex and marvel at the creativity of your excuses not to use it.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
A girl told me that I have a really strong tongue today. It was my dentist holding my tongue back as the other one was filling a cavity.
What does Hillary Clinton do when she sees a sniper in Bosnia? Ducks on the ground
I heard PAX and Comic Con won't be merging after all... They wanted to avoid so much.... con-fusion.
Why is a sorority the safest place to be during a zombie apocalypse? Because they're looking for braaaaaaaaaains
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.
Why don't blind people go for bungee jumping? it scares the shit out of the dogs.
I identify as counter strike, and I find this globally offensive.
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors it's just something I could really see myself doing.
Where did the pilgrims land when they came to  America ? On their feet !
Why is it easier for married black men to cheat? Because their ring doesn't leave a tan line when they take it off!
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What do you call a black guy surrounded by a bunch of white guys? The Allman Brothers.
The movies were right about monkeys ruling the world. They came from Baltimore.
What kind of bees make milk, not honey? Boo(bees)
Yeah I can take a hint. I'm not going to though.
What is harder than telling the difference between Chinese people? Telling the difference between Chinese people with down syndrome.
My friend started making bird puns towards me. Toucan play at that game!
A healthy man has a thousand wishes and a sick person only one... ... to win the election
an elevator what can a elevator do but a mexican family cant. raise a child PLS IM NOT RACIST DONT HATE
My April Fools day joke blew up in my face. I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.
I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off. It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.
What do Pimps and Santa have in common? They stay with 3 ho's
What policy do the pro-Russia rebels have on gay recruits? Donetsk, don't tell.
My week is basically: Monday Monday #2 Monday #3 Monday #4 Friday Saturday Pre-Monday
I met an urban dwarf who keeps perfect time. He's a metronome.
I've been eating a lot of Thai food lately to lose weight. I'm on an Ethnic Cleanse.
What is Hitler's least favorite sauce?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there's always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there?
in japan 2/3 population hava cataracts the other 1/3 have rincon continental
What do you call a Chinese billionaire? ChaChing!
Why did the fishermen buy a new pole? Just for the halibut.
What do you call a piece of toast on the ceiling? An Ethiopian rave.
I like my coffee like I like my women Full of my own semen.
Late to bed and late to rise . . . Makes a man who will serve french fries.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
If crime doesn't pay... ... than you're doing it wrong.
Come over to the Nerd side... We have Pi.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh
In this holiday season I really gotta give a shout out to those who've always been around for me. Mr. Chen and his family at the restaurant.
Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building... They blue it up.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath? Shower cream and onion.
I lost my watch the other day. I'm sure it'll turn up, but there's no telling when.
Women's sports
Why was the plumber sad? He had a shitty job.
What separates man from animal? The Atlantic Ocean.
[guy jokingly refers to america as 'murica, everyone starts applauding; I basically hork up a damn lung from laughing my shit off so hard]
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Why didn't the construction worker like to get wet? Because he didn't drywall.
Always ask your girlfriend if she is actually a transvestite before you start dating her. I learned it the hard way.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other France surrenders Italy changes sides Both lose
What's the best time of this month for vampires? It depends on the girl
I started a band called 1023 Megabytes We're pretty good but we haven't gotten a gig yet
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough. 2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Why is it ridiculous to believe I communicate to the world in 140 characters but not ridiculous to believe I created the world in six days?
A priest walks up to a rabbi and says . . . "Been in any good jokes lately?"
Science creates airplanes and skyscrapers, Faith brings them together
How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette? Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a relationship with a statue? Because it's not going anywhere.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don't floss
It's international women's day. But apparently my local strip club didn't get the memo. Went there today and all the girls were from my country. No international women at all.
No one beats the Jackson 5! Except their father.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I'm her boyfriend. I'm flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Thanks for the gold! I'm an optimistic guy.
What do you call it when a stripper gives you a free lap-dance? A pro boner.
Merry Christmas and Happy Ho idays to friends and oved ones c ose and far. B essings to you and yours this Yu e season. This is my no-L greeting!
How do you walk a chicken on a leash? You pullet.
What do you call a spider that's had a sex change? A trantula.
TIL Cleopatra lived closer to me than the pyramids. I live in Alexandria, so did she, and the pyramids are 200km away.
What kind of vehicle did they use to transport prisoners to concentration camps during the holocaust? Ju-Haul
"If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly how did it fall off?" Interviewer: I meant about the job. Me: Oh.... no I'm good.
What do you call a gay indian? A Brave Sucker Best friends dad coughed this one up to his son-in-law that was native american.
Where does the king keep his armies? in his sleevies!
What do africans wear on their heads? Ebowla hats
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won't find them.
I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic... but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7
Ok, but like, how married are you?
TIFU by clicking on a useless post.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a horse show in Amsterdam... What is this world coming to?
Last night, I poked a woman in the eye with my penis She's gone a bit cockeyed since.
ME: i'm having a lovely time tonight my date: why do u keep yelling "ME" before every sentence
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Cause she's a woman.
"...said no one ever," said everyone ever.
What happens when you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia? You get stoned.
Q: What happened when the elephant sat on  the car? A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
When you get 3 out of 4, its... not half bad!
What was the last thing Beethoven accomplished? Decomposing
I don't like Nazi jokes... ...they're far beyond Mein Kampfort zone.
An Englishman walks into a bar... There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
I've never actually finished the song "Rock Your Body" by Justin Timberlake because I'm afraid I'll be naked by the end.
I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression? Me: no they both liked it
Well quit blocking my knife if you don't like being stabbed in the hands.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If my doctor ever tells me I have three months to live, I'll probably pick December, January and July.
The moment when you realise that you've just lost 10 seconds of your life. [Your life]^1^0^s^e^c^o^n^d^s
I'm taking a course in self defense. I can't afford a trial lawyer.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away... Too bad we all can't be asthmatics!
What's a math teacher's favorite TV show? Sinefeld
They say parrots don't like change... So you could that they are very right-winged.
A suicide bomber is teaching some new recruits... He said, "Watch this demonstration carefully. I'm only going to do this once."
Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber. It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization.
How was the bird able to pass his math test? He was winging it.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil? I've never had a lentil on my chest.
A friend of mine told me he gets terrible stage fright... ...I thought he was taking the piss but he really wasn't.
New research A new research suggests that idiots look for a joke in everything.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
I sent the guy on the couch to the store for bread. I'll get 6 texts and a phone call and he'll come back with peaches.
Happy April Foo... ...oh shit
If straight people use Tinder, what do Germans use? Hitler
A man walked into a bar... ...and stayed there my whole childhood. ^:(
what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again? DJ Vu
My younger brother told me this. Why don't crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish
Why is it forbidden for ants to go in a church? They are in-sects
Oh please don't do it! Oh please don't do! Oh please don't! Oh please do! Oh please! Oh!
What do you call someone who only gives back rubs to men? A massage-inist.
So Hitler is working at a bookstore and I go up to him and say, "Hey, do you have any books about the expense of a yell?" He replies, "Kinda, I have this book about the Holla' cost."
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms* *replaces them with Flintstones vitamins* You looked a little sickly.
I always use incognito mode when looking at porn and video game walkthroughs. I don't want my wife to think I'm a cheater.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
People always think I'm gay because I'm a confident person, I hate that... ... I'm gay because I fuck men.
Kim Jong Un walked into a bar The North Korean media still said he got a gold for high jump
How do trees get on the Internet? They log in.
"911, what is your emergency?" Yes I can't hear my television "Sir, this is not an emer-" Someone keeps screaming "HELP ME!!" next door
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter.
Want to know how to amuse a blonde for hours? Write please turn over on both sides of the paper!
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels HER: Shouldn't it be - HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The wife shares my sense of humour. She hasn't fcuking got one of her own.
I was driving down the road when I spotted a black man walking along carrying a TV over his shoulder... ...I asked myself, "Is that mine?" Then I realized, mine was at home shining my shoes!
Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
Why can't mimes finish marathons? Because they can't get past "the wall".
I was speaking to a black man the other day, when I said I suffered from Deuteranopia he asked 'Are you being racist?' I said 'no, I don't see colour'
Whats the difference between New York and Middle Earth? Two towers.
Changed ex's name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn't show up when he texts.
Why is Islam called the Religion of Peace? It will leave you in pieces.
What does the nosey pepper do? Get jalapeno business!
I spend 90% of my time online waiting for password reset emails
Awful Purim Joke Grogger? I hardly knew her!
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder* "Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"
What did the one electron say to the other when it asked it out on a date? Get outta here, I'm not attracted to you!
Some people need to open their small minds instead of their big mouths.
I was walking thru the graveyard the other morning... Saw a guy kneeling behind a headstone. I walked up to him and greeted him "Morning!" He replied, "Nah, I'm just taking a shit"
The designer of the generic "Advice Animals" font changed the internet. One might say he made quite an impact.
Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
My friend's bakery burned down last night Now his business is toast
Whenever you're mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.
Two cannibals are eating a clown... One stops and asks the other, "Does this taste funny?"
What do you say when Kim Kardashian burns to the ground? Look at all that ash...
A gay man walked up behind me at the bar He asked to push in my stool
A jem of a joke You
What is white and goes up? A stupid snowflake
Just a short joke you are probably pretty familiar with yep, it's your penis
Cops in the U.S. are like vampires They suck, their bloodthirsty, and can't come in your home unless invited!
Human Cannonball Following the tragic death of the human cannonball at the local fair, a spokesman said, "We'll struggle to get another man of his calibre".
What do Nate Diaz and Jaime Lannister have in common? They're both Kingslayers and fuck their sisters.
Went to a ginger convention today There wasn't a soul there.
What did God say when he made the first black man Shit i burnt this one
A significant proportion of public restroom users are assholes. The rest are all either dicks or cunts.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions? "Can I shower with this cast?" DOCTOR: What do you think, guys? PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Q: What do teddy bears like to have in their houses? A: Fur-niture.
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? The Captains log
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says... "Five beers please."
Certain religions condemn eating pig meat. They're against the idea of cannibalism.
What's the name of China's new atmosphere-cleanup program? The Desolation of Smog.
Damn girl, are you Daenerys Targaryen? Because that ass could take over the world. Haha don't know if this is used or not yet but I dreamt up this joke so enjoy.
I really hate faulty vacuums. They suck!
Do you why I never excel during a meeting? Because I use powerpoint for my presentation, of course.
I'm going to bang my head into the wall repeatedly. Is that okay? Sure, kid. Knock yourself out.
I was bullied in high school by the X men. No, not the group of crime fighting mutants, but a bunch of transgender females who were better at sports than I was.
Watching Avatar again Didn't notice the first time how odd it was that all the Na'vi were portrayed as so pale-skinned and blonde...
What's a boxers favorite joke? Punchline.
The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You're probably broke and there's nothing you can do about it.
You would think that, if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.
What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
For Follow Friday I recommend Saturday.
Some guy said I wear as much makeup as a clown so I'm under his bed with a knife. That's what clowns do, right?
Why did Kennedy throw his head back? He was taking a shot.
How do you make dill bread? Dill dough.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ? Because talk is cheep !
Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball? All those spikes hurt his hands
What happens when a guy from Finland dies? He is finnished. Ha ha ha. God I am so depressed. :(
What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards? A Czech Republic
I hate what toys do to girls' body images. Real girls don't have smaller girls inside of them with smaller girls inside of them...
What's black and full of holes? Michael Brown
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.
My Grandpa Raymond and his wife live in a retirement community for swingers. What are his favorite underwear made out of? Ray on Paulie's Ester
So today I finally got my license... to krill!
What do the "Damn, Daniel" kid and pedophiles have in common? They're both back at it again with the white vans.
Properly relocating a cavewoman Q: Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair? A: Because if he dragged her around by the feet she would fill up with dirt.
It's cold outside... Come inside, sit in the corner It's 90
For some silly reason my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair... I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon
Do you know why the snowman is smiling? He heard the snowblower was coming.
They say we are created in Gods image. So does that mean he smells the toilet paper after wiping too?
How many terrorist jokes are there out there? You'll have to c-4 yourself.
I'm not against half naked men. At least not as often as I'd like to be.
What is the cheapest meat? Deer testicles. They're under a Buck.
Just read it Just reddit
*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over* Cat in audience: Oh, this guy's good
What's Jewish and runs? The Diarrhea of Anne Frank
What did one gay box say to the other? "Nice package..."
Bartender: YOU'RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets? Me: [I try to say "NO" but it's just lavender scented bubbles]
What's a turtle's favorite type of shoe? Green clog. (looks almost like a turtle shell)
Yet another Clinton picks heads Over tail.
What made Bruce decide against Jacqueline for his new name? He was afraid his nickname would be Jockie.
What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
I learned today that "bust a nut" doesn't mean "work really hard" and boy aren't I embarrassed about using it in all those work memos.
If you are reading this, you are not Floyd Mayweather.
Why do people paint eggs for Easter? Bunnies squirm too much.
Why is golf better than sex? It lasts for hours and there's 18 different holes.
What's the easiest way to kill a bison calf. Put it in the back of your SUV.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn't mean bottle.
Why didn't Jesus' business break even? It wasn't making enough prophet
A girl recognised me This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell
Too Soon? I heard the Black Friday deals were amazing.
are you the girl who types everything said in court? "yes" I'm sorry *turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Why couldnt the feminist screw in a lightbulb? Because there was a glass ceiling.
I call my Missus's mimsy 'The Tardis' Not because it's bigger inside than I expected. It's just that she's had several dozen companions and at least one dog in there.
I wish I could be like my cable company's customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
MOM : Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother? SON : My name is Paul.
And now I spend the rest of the day worrying about whether or not I removed the sticker from the apple I just ate.
Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I've never felt so alone. Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?
Why is diarrhea hereditary? Because it runs in your genes!
What's a python's favourite pop group ?  Squeeze !
Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I ever got? It was awesome!
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he fucked off.
Where are you from? "So where are you from?" "I'm a Liberian" "Oh sorry" \*whispers* ^"where ^are ^you ^from?"
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He kept getting nailed into the boards
Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast? In France, one egg is un oeuf
Thinking of donating my beard to charity because there's so much food in it.
*jesus turns around to find only 11 apostles* "WHO UNFOLLOWED ME"
People think I'm weird because I swallowed an abacus They're forgetting it's what's on the inside that counts.
I play hard to get; if it's hard, you're getting it.
Did you hear about the comedian that calls himself "The Sofa King"? He's sofa king funny.
DNA doesn't make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Why can't youplay UNO with Mexicans? Because they'll take all of your green cards.
Personal reflection is important for anyone working in the mirror industry.
In the middle east its hard to tell who's crazy, And Hussein.
If you run through an airport yelling "Marybeth I love you don't go!" then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Shout out to the people who don't know what the opposite of "in" is.
At least in 4 years we'll be able to look back at this election with 2020 vision.
What do you call an African disease that only affects the math geniuses? Parabola! ^i'll ^shut ^up^now.
God said unto John, "come forth and receive eternal life..." But john came fifth and won a toaster. Not original but I love this joke
Best Jocks https://www.reddit.com/r/Reddit50/comments/3p9d9z/girl_you_remind_me_of_an_alarm_clock/
Why does the NBA finish in June? She likes it.
An illusionist was driving down the street and he turned into a driveway
BB8, are you hungry? No, BB8.
How many German does it take to take down a plane? One. Because he's very efficient and silent while doing it.
What do nerdy mermaids wear? Algae-bras
I put my root beer in a square cup Now it is just beer
[having sex with centaur] ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
You haven't seen true happiness until you've looked into the face of a white person when The Cha Cha Slide comes on at a wedding.
"It's cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I'm so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don't have to go to Facebook today. You're welcome.
The grim reaper attends a funeral early in the day... as he gets there, he says, "Good mourning, everyone" Ill see myself out..
Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage? I don't know I just fly the drone.
Once you start making jokes about wrestling... ...that's when you know you've hit Rock Bottom.
Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day. Harry: Why do you say he's conceited? Fred: Well every time there was a thunderclap during the storm he went to the window and took a bow.
How do you get a male cat "fixed"? Get him Catstrated
I used to steal jokes. I still do, but I used to, too.
What does Kayne West masturbate to? He masturbates to the sight of his ego.
What's the best part about getting head from an infant? Watching the soft spot move.
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke Joke Jooooooooke.
I'm finally part of the cool crowd! *waddles off with colony of penguins*
What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
What do you call a sour black guy? A vinegar
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me* Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt? Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
What do you call an Alaskan hooker? A frostitute.
What's the difference between a decrepit Greyhound station and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.
I just slept with Pinnochio. No strings.
Just asked my hairstylist for the "Bieber." He shaved off all my pubic hair.
Why do people starve? When food tastes so good.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Before you criticize someone... walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
A Amish scientist...
What is currently the greatest crime in China? Identity theft.
My doctor told me I have 2 months to live So I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years
You know they say the same thing about Bill Cosby and Mexico? Don't drink the water.
I put the STD in STUD... And all I'm missing is you.
What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
If I could go back in time and talk to my ten year old self My parents probably would've put a restraining order on me.
Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge.
Give a man a pizza and he eats for a day Teach a man how to make a pizza and he will work minimum wage
Happy 34% of Americans Tuesday.
Why did the superconductor eat all the pudding? It couldn't resist.
Advises all the young people, "Do not grow up; it's a trap!!"
Why do Feminists lay down during sex? They can't *stand* seeing a man have a good time.
I can't wait till next years veterans day: for the ones that didn't get captured....
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? I can't get hard, I just got laid!
Something disturbing came in the mail today... ...my mailman.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
A Pixar movie about Marlin trying to put his son through fish college called Funding Nemo.
When a knight in armour was killed in battle what sign did they put on his grave ? Rust in peace !
She puts the hot in psychotic
When i told my friends i was going to be a comedian they laughed at me. They're not laughing now.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
A dodgeball player died recently... He will be missed.
i just dropped my phone without the case on it and i can't tell what hit the ground faster my phone or my tears
As a janitor, you wouldn't believe the shit I have to clean up. http://m.imgur.com/cjYphZQ
Limits Of Technology A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.
What are gay people's favorite pizza? Meatlovers.
Haters gonna have a valid point sometimes.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100 ... ... ... a "10," but imaginary
When looking at the list of the best 10 Presidents of the last 150 years Obama's name really jumps off the page. Because it knows it sure as hell doesn't belong there.
Why don't they teach sex ed and drivers ed at the same time in Mexico? Because it's too hard on the donkey.
What do you call a zoo that only has dogs? A shit zoo.
Me and my girlfriend had a suicide pact. One of us got cold feet.
Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
What do you call a Chinese man with a pet cat? A vegetarian.
Oh science, oh science, oh science!!" ~An atheist having sex.
My ex-wife still misses America Online... ...BUT HER **A.I.M.** IS GETTING BETTER!
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking ... J K Rowling
Why are Slavs always squatting? what else is there to do while you're waiting in line?
What floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee? Nothing.
Bill Clinton was surprised to find his old sandwich maker is ahead 12 points in the polls.
What do you call a condom full of money? Johnny Cash.
Laura Bassett must be an alcoholic... She couldn't even wait for the game to finish before she hit the bar!
"My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom." *cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens
'sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.' what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday? "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
How do you kill a fox? Give it one leg and make it run across Canada
My Lesbian neighbors got me a Timex for my birthday They misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore... I had to put my foot down
How many retards does it take to change a light bulb? Well, line up so that I can find out..
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
home is where the pants aren't
After Luke Skywalker found out Princess Leia was his sister... He became best friends with hand solo.
My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip... I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.
What should planes be made of to fend off islamists? Allahminium! Since Muslims cant desecrate anything with Allah on it!
It's a good thing George R.R. Martin has a Twitter... If there's one thing he can do, it's wasting 140 characters at once. ^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out
Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed"
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokinoff.
What do drug dealers sit on? KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that's not a risk I'm willing to take.
What happens if an axe falls on your car? You have an ax-i-dent (accident).
eer booze and fun!' 'Q: What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?  A: Ok you 2 dont start anything
Can we survive without whales? No whey.
What do rocket scientists say about a task that is relatively easy? It's no social skills!
Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to the Masters. Just in case they get a hole in one.
Why do they never serve a beer at math party? Because you can't drink and derive
I just ended a five year relationship. I feel like maybe that arguing couple at the store was none of my business.
[ANTI-JOKE]So a man walks into a bar. So a man walks into a bar and.....his drinking habits are tearing his family apart.
I have somewhere around 300 karma I intend to drop it to 0 by having human-like opinions on the wrong subreddits
Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen? Criminal: It wasn't when I took it.
What do you call the boss hit by a shrink ray? Micromanagement!
So Boxing Day, its a magical time of year, when companies send you amazing emails with pictures of all the stuff you just brought from them, at half price.
How do you kill a blonde? You put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
People need to learn how to take a compliment... Just today I complimented the most epic mustache I've ever seen and the lady didn't even say thanks.
legendary joke a guy walks in to abar and he goes, he goes hey thats not airplane food, how about that weather?
I'm not saying she's a whore... But if you threw her out a window she'd be deep penetrated[.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defenestration)
What's the difference between a hockey team and a Russian woman? The hockey team showers after three periods.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"
I'm about to tell my date that my penis is twelve inches wide. I don't know how she's going to take it.
A man walked into a bar He is an alcoholic and he is ruining his family. (Any anti joke lovers out there?)
What's the number for poison control? Dancing With the Stars is on and I need to make sure this will be enough.
Life with me baby is like a rollercoaster It's got a weight restriction. (Stolen from a mock the week episode)
Why did Abe Lincoln and Stephen Douglas get thrown out of the church? Because they were caught mass debating in the bathroom.
I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from  the electric company? He was shocked.
I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn't get enough likes on Instagram.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Got robbed. Someone broke into my house, stole my stuff, but then replaced everything with an exact replica. I pointed this out to my closest friend, and he went, "Have we met?".
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo on me.
I rode a horse today. In other words, I had sex with Sara Jessica Parker
Need a clean joke about sexually transmitted diseases for my presentation tomorrow. Please help! Update: I chose to go with "my name is _____ _____ and I have STDs... (pause) as my topic"
Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever. Me: Really? Aren't you married?
You know why I quit working at the sausage factory? It was the wurst.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here
I think my dog wants to be a carpenter. He likes roofing.
What music do cats prefer? Deadmau5
Trump/Pence 2016! Or "TP" as I like to call it. ;)
Feudalism It's your count that votes.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn't had proper cooling time.
"I have a hunch." - Inspector Quasimodo
Only in Scotland, will you ever see a man take a piss on a door, then open it and walk inside. (credit: Frankie Boyle)
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history's greatest monster*
What's the difference between a Bernie Sanders supporter and a fat stripper? A fat stripper actually gets to the polls.
I wrote a book about a man that chokes to death on his own fart. I've called it: "Gone With The Wind".
Be right back. -Godot
When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?"."Not yet," she replied
M: I can't access Twitter IT: We blocked twitter M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now? IT: Work? M: Who hurt you?
Santa Clause for Halloween. Axe Murderer for Christmas.
Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill.
Did you hear that Tom Cruise is hiring Rebecca De Mornay for the weekend to help him make cat food? Yep, it'll be "Friskies" Business!
How do you know if somebody does crossfit? They are probably in better shape than you.
How many hamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two.
A deaf couple decide they want to break up... Boy: Girl: Boy: Girl: Boy: They went their separate ways and never heard from eachother again.
I like to put Aunt Jemima next to the Uncle Ben in my pantry. I'm hoping for a love connection.
My friend Gerund is from Ingland.
Have you ever eaten at that Ethiopian restraunt? There portions are like..nothing.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time... Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I'll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Why can't bikes stand up without leaning on something? They're two-tired.
(NSFW) Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"? Because niggers have no rights. or Option 2: Because women have no rights.
My wife asked me about where to put a dish when unloading the dishwasher... I looked at her and said "As a French whore would say 'Put it anywhere it fits.'
My girlfriend nicknamed me after a piece of classical music She calls me Canon in D Major
Stephen Harper's Campaign Against Trump "Donald Trump: He's just too old"
What did Sam say to the young Americans? "Guess where this finger's going."
Why do you never see Mexicans with acne? They keep slipping off.
Having friends is... Like peeing your pants, every one can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
How to sound Australian. Say "good eye might" aloud.
What is Saddam Hussein's favorite band? My Chemical Romance
I spilled spot eraser on my dog... Now he's gone.
I heard the funniest joke... But the Fine Bros copyrighted it.
Two cleaners had a massive fight in my office earlier. Hell of a dust up.
"I got hoes in different area codes." - World's most disorganized landscaper.
Ever tried 77? You get 8 more.
Why Does Dr. Pepper Come in a Can? ...Because his wife died.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned PRIEST: nothing that can't be forgiven my son ME: I microwave my pop tarts PRIEST: u sick son of a
Why is Ian Thorpe gay? He didn't like breast stroke.
My son walks in on me masturbating. He asks me what am i doing. I say, don't worry son you will be doing it soon. Why dad? he asks. Because my arm is getting tired.
Having my oil changed today, but I need proof it's really changed. I've been hurt by oils before & I'm not going through that again.
A virgin nun gets pregnant.... And she's sure it's not a miracle pregnancy so she bursts into the priests chambers and yells out "which of you fuckers has been wanking on the candles?"
Goth people wear black to reflect the color of their souls... Except ginger goths. They go naked.
What was Hitler's favourite colour? Braun.
You're not an American until you've eaten more than the serving suggestion.
I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes.... they performed unspeakable acts on me. ..!!
I saw an infant in the intensive care unit at the hospital... ... quietly playing with a toy donkey. I couldn't help but think: "ICU baby, shakin' that ass"
A blind man walks into a bar And a table. And a chair
"Okay--don't get cancer." (My response to "Have a safe flight.")
I like my women like I like my scotch... ...12 years old.
There are two kind of women in this world. Those who get mad about everything, and those who get mad about nothing.
Why should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? His Fresh Prints
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... ...they would eventually find me attractive.
There's a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family
ho ho ho pimp.
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
Having sex in a bunch of python compilation errors It's fucking *indents*
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell cause she's got a nade in her mouth!
How does Michael Jackson Beat It? With the Jackson Five
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg? He was alright.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
What do you call poppies from eastern Africa? Ethiopium
Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they'll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.
why does beyonce sing to the left, to the left? because black people have no rights XD
A Buddhist Monk walks up to a hot dog stand... ...and says "make me one with everything."
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have large, flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
What do you call a struggling artist? Baroque.
What is the difference between a symphonic orchestra and a bull? The bull has its horns in the front and the asshole in the back!
Ladies don't pass gas. We just let it bubble up inside until it bursts out in the form of nonstop chatter about some chick we hate at work.
This is why I'm leaving /r/jokes: I have a dentist appointment. I'll be back in an hour.
I found a popular erotic novel from Iran It's called "Sheep."
I asked a German girl her number. Apparently, it was 999-999-9999.
Leonardo.... NoOscario
CW:my husband doesn't understand me at all. What about yours? Me:I wouldn't know... I don't talk to him about you...
I accidentally spilled my bottle of rum on the floor. I was let down because I thought I'd be the one getting wasted.
Two nuns are riding their bikes down a Paris street.. One looks to the other and says "You know, I've never come this way before." The second replies, "Must be the cobblestones."
A network engineer goes to the doctor...... He told the doctor, "It hurts when IP"
Did you see the new abortion movie? I hear it's a real coat hanger
why dont atheists solve exponential equations ? they dont believe in higher powers.
Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe. He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday
A priest asked a convicted murderer at the electric chair: "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer "will you please hold my hand?"
Presidents What's the difference between Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy? One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated.
Pizza is like sex... If three people are involved, someone's not gonna get as much as they want
What's the difference between a star and America? The star has a bright future.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I gathered a list of ten puns yesterday. And i wanted to see if any were reasonable. So i put them all to the test to see if they would pass. No pun-in-ten-did. Edit: grammar
What brings a Jewish family closer together? The bristles
Heckling I am looking for some heckling like jokes to yell out during soccer games. Any ideas?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Republicans and elections The republicans wanted to have Jesus run for president. The plan had to be aborted though: he had a hole in his hand.
A neutron walks into a bar... A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
A narcissist walks into a bar... The rest of the joke doesn't matter.
What aspect of the game do women soccer players like most? Getting that good D
a well educated penis is one that rises so the lady can sit down
Which actor is resting in pieces? Alan RIPman
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children"... ... and I thought, "That sounds like a fair exchange"
My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.
Q: What do you call a spooky waterway? A: The Eerie Canal.
GERG: She licked ur donut? JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER! GERG: gross! JERY: she also said she "hates america" GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Gonna let my boyfriend snort an eggroll out of my vagina while on a luge. Yeah we're having a Chinese New Year Olympic Valentine's Day.
[OC] How does captain hook cook pita bread? With a pita pan.
I love donuts so much I want to marry them. But then I'm afraid I would eat all our donut hole children.
I think my car must be Jewish It always needs to be gassed.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand hand hand hand?
My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food Sushi left me.
Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.
"You're going to leave me for someone younger," my wife explained. "That's not right," I assured her. "They could be older too."
If I ever get the chance to reveal a chupacabra to the world, I hope I have the presence of mind to say, "Chupacadabra!"
What did Obama say to Trump at the White House? Change
If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
An electrician was shocked by a live wire when he was asked why... He said he couldn't resist.
I was at a antique store and came across the first Playboy magazine ever issued...... Luckily, the owner didn't see me.
Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome... One turns to the other and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before!" The other nun says, "Oh, it's the cobblestones!"
Passenger profiled on airplane flight for doing math. I want to know if the profiler is a blonde? Feminist? Liberal arts major?
What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people
Why can't Tarzan be played by a black actor? It wouldn't be an adventure movie then, it'd be a documentary.
Why is it called "the circle of life"? Because it's pointless.
What's the difference between a church bell &amp; a church? A church bell peals from the steeple.
What do you call part of a poem written by a Seinfeld character? A George Costanza.
Why does anal porn never have a good plot? Too many loose ends.
The supermarket ran out of soup. They were out of stock.
Being an adult is just a competition to see how many times you can say "storage space" before you die.
What did the man get for winning the muscle relaxing contest? Atrophy!
The Vietnamese hooker who works next to the asbestos factory always says, "Ooh, me so thelioma."
Here I sit all broken hearted tried to shit but only farted. Then one day I took a chance, tried to fart and shat my pants. My dad called that one The Standard
Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
The richest man in the world will be the one who creates a pair of sunglasses that automatically plays a guitar solo when slightly lowered.
"Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine." - Nicki Minaj
I failed stats because i have no faith in myself.. I couldn't find anything more than a 0% confidence interval.
If you say the words 'beer can' in a British accent, it sounds like you're saying 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.
Never date a girl named Autumn because she'll leave you.
The best joke on reddit (OC)
"You wanna play the rape game?" "-No!" "-That's the spirit."
Two rabbits were 69ing. One says to the other, "hang on, I've got a hare in my mouth."
Abraham Lincoln was better at finishing plays than the Seahawks.
I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn't funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.
Cashier: Smile! Me: Worry about your own face.
It comes too early. Premature ejaculation is just like the punchline of this joke.
Today the world has lost a great leader who ruled with an iron fist. Mrs.Brady you will be missed... (some guy named Fidel Castro died too)
4 yr old daughter calls her ankle bones "my balls" in case you were wondering if I was raising geniuses over here.
I loaned a blind guy some money... It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.
I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn't tell I was drinking. I'm worried about her, now.
What was Will Hunting's backup plan if that guy said he didn't particularly care for apples?
Every day at my 4 PM computer science class that the teacher is late to... "4:04 teacher not found"
Wife and husband laying in bed And the husband says "honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." To which the wife replies "you have a bigger dick than your brother!"
Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58000 cars out in the driveway.
What's another word for slaughterhouse? Lumbar mill.
What do you call somebody who suffers from both depression and trisomy 21? Down's in the dumps
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
An adult man named Todd just told me I could call him Big T, that was 9 minutes ago. I'm staring at him waiting for the punch line.
Your mom... Your mother is so classless, she could be marxist utopia.
What has TWO wings, and ONE arrow? A Chinese telephone. Wing wing. Arrow?
What sea creature is the most self-centered? A shellfish
Drilling into American House Walls is like paying into German Welfare  risky as fuck.
"I don't have time for this shit!" I thought, as I sat on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
Ugly How do you know your the ugly in a couple? I will spell it out for you, U come first...
How did the hipster drown? he jumped in the mainstream
"Why are the good ones always taken?" - Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message. What's up?
What is Mortal Kombat fans' favorite Nigerian state? It's Kano.
Dear God, Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing. ~ All women
Why do women get yeast infections? So they can know how it feels to live with an irritating cunt!
There was an explosion at a toy factory... Only 1 injury reported. A security guard had plastic horses lodged in his rectum. Doctors say he is in "stable" condition.
If there's one thing my English major girlfriend has taught me, It's what a colon does.
Why was the mushroom happy? Because he was a fungi.
Did I ever tell you about how I lost my job at Tropicana? I couldn't concentrate.
A driver was so focused on being upset I was texting while driving... They rear ended the car ahead of them. I guess texting while driving is distracting.
What do you call a Transformer that's also an optometrist? Oculus Prime.
Where do the burgers go on New Year's Eve? To a meat ball!
What's the difference between Sesame Street and Leonardo DiCaprio? Sesame Street has an Oscar.
i just bought a rape whistle... and the look on my victims faces is priceless.
If Donald Trump replaces Obama.... ...Does that mean Orange is the new Black?
What do you call an egg that always gets picked on? The butt of every yolk :(
What do you call a faked pregnancy? A misconception.
April fools in Latvia Latvian ask friend if he want potato for lunch. Friend guess is April Fool joke. Say "Too easy, never potato in Latvia, only sadness." One man starve to death during lunch.
A port-a-potty truck blocked my car in at work so I couldn't leave.. But hey, shit happens.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
How do you lure an English bear from his cave with the help of French cheese Camembert (Come-on-bear)
TIL that soldiers in Vietnam ate small amounts of C4 plastic explosive to get high. No wonder the US defense budget blew up so quickly.
My Dad's cat had a hernia operation The cat was laying there next to next to me and I asked " What did they sew you up with?" My Dad laughing so hard - as he said "That's not funny!" [Cat Gut]
What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where's popcorn?
You really have to respect the male pornstars They're always working hard
I'm about to see if two carrot sticks can undo the damage of three margaritas and six hot dogs.
I 've got an intense fear that I am a hypochondriac, or at least showing symptoms of one
Physics joke Yo mama so fat she has a spin of 2
A man started telling a joke, but he started with the punch line... What did you expect?
Gay jokes aren't funny Come on guys...
Just found out my daughter's super power is repeating what I've said about others as soon as she meets them.
"Hey girl, are sitting on the F5 key?" "Because dat ass is refreshing."
TIL Lewis Black is still alive.
"I'll hand you your change in the most inconvenient way possible!" - Cashiers
Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend? Because they're both roasted
It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.
What's the difference between a dwarf and an STD? Ones a cunning runt the other is a running cunt.
if you can't put two and two together you might actually enjoy the plot of the new star wars movie
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man's best friendzone.
Q. What is one of the first things that  Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain.
Just thought to myself: If cars were people than taxi cabs would be whores. Then a crowded city bus drove by and I felt sick.
Have you been injured in a car accident? call 555-bottom-feeders. We will do anything for money.
We are probably the first generation that will have our user names on the headstone
What do you tell someone who feels that life has shorted them from a purpose or calling? You belong.
"If you like Google Glass, also try Bing Chewables."
How often does jet fuel melt steel beams? 9/11
I need a less intrusive addiction than Twitter so I started using meth this morning.
I quit my job as CEO at the pc fan factory They needed a cooler master
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a - oh look, tree!
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
What did the mother snake say to her crying baby ? Stop crying and viper your nose !
A swimmer and a shark walk into a dive bar They had a great time. Fin.
Sometimes i feel like girls are like oscars And im leonardo dicaprio :(
I had to quit my job at the helium factory. No one talks to me like that.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
What's a good treatment for insomnia? Bill Cosby
I was intimate with a clown once. She just tickled my funny bone.
Just got a houseplant. Can't wait til it grows a house.
A beekeeper talks about the dangers of his job. "Of course you have to be carefull you won't get stabbed by one of those creatures, but that's a part of living in a multicultural society."
What did the buffalo said to its bisexual son? Bi, son. ^^^^it's ^^^^a ^^^^three ^^^^in ^^^^one ^^^^joke
I have been suffering from Priapism for the last 2 days My wife is taking it pretty hard
I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.
Decided to burn a lot of calories today So I lit a fat kid on fire.
A Roman walks into a bar... He holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beers please."
[Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill...screwdriver... tape...there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
At this point, camels should know better than to put straw anywhere near their backs.
What kind of bird does 2 Chainz own? Toucan
Andy Murray's been detained by anti-corruption officials at the Davis Cup... Apparently he's been operating a racket for years.
How to catch an elephant Dig a big hole Fill it with ashes Sprinkle peas on top When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick it in the ash hole.
Question AND Answar Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
three straight men walk in to a bar... and come out.
What's a zombie's favorite snack? Fritos
Am I original? -Yeaaah. Am I the only one? -Yeaaah. Do you wanna build a snowman? -Go away, Anna. Ok byyyyye.
I'm shaking what my momma gave me. It's the most darling snowglobe I've ever seen. LOOK AT IT.
Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.
List of the best jokes on this sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7nqa/list_of_the_best_jokes_on_this_sub/
I saw a person with a backpack and a messenger bag. Talk about some serious baggage.
Drummers of Reddit. What does coffee and Ginger Baker have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Whats the difference between a pizza and a black man? A pizza can feed a family of 4 (I'm black so I can say this)
7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage....now go to bed.
Why does the North Korean military always lose their battles? [xpost /r/meanjokes] Every single shot at them is at a chink in their armor.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood* 5-year-old: Who's there? Me: It's not a knock knock joke. 5: It's not a knock knock joke who?
Why are all black people fast? Because the slow ones are in jail.
Laugh and the class laughs with you. But you get detention alone !
coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
came from my uncle: Why is the capitol of Ireland growing so fast? because the population is always Dublin.
Boyfriend Joke To GF Today, I had to appear in court. My boyfriend gave me a chocolate to eat for comfort. The quote on the wrapper read "Today, you are exactly where you should be."
I'm starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.
A young boy asks his Jewish father if he can have $10.... The father responds "8 dollars?! What do you need 6 dollars for?!" :)
I should have just named my dog "Password".
Why does Piglet smell so bad? Because he always plays with Pooh.
*breaks glass* *pulls fire alarm* [outside] Great, now that you're all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I'm weird.
If you don't have a bucket list, then put "make bucket list" on your "To Do" list. nnYou don't have a To Do list?nnnnJesus, what ARE you?
I usually piss in my shower combo to save on water But I should really stop taking baths they are so wasteful.
Women are like parking spots they are either taken or handicapped.
I can finish The Times' crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Nobody Carries A Tiffin To A Restaurant. Wife: Why Arent You Taking Me With You To Bangkok? Husband: Because Nobody Carries A Tiffin To A Restaurant. "If U Didn't Get It Go Watch Pogo":p
How do you know if you're sitting in a gay bar? If someone comes up behind you and offers to push your stool in
The Legend of Zelda Joke Do you know why Ganon can't use the internet? There's too many Links.
Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now? What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits Cop: wtf are flimits Me: idk let's go look Cop: ok
What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings
What is the difference between batman and a black guy? Batman can walk into a store without Robin
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her!
Standing in disbelief at an automated door that isn't opening for me is the closest I'll ever feel to having been born rich.
Why did Dave Mirra cross the road? To go to the Gun Store!!
What do you call 99 bunnies walking forward and they take one step backwards? A receding hare line.
What did the spice scream during sex? Thyme cumin!
no the princiPAL is not my PAL he's an ass wipe who called my mom and told her to buy me a bra because my big smelly tits upset him
I measure how hard I'm working by whether I feel compelled to close my eyes and nap while sitting on the toilet.
How do hens encourage their football teams ? They egg them on !
My girlfriend told me our safe-word was too easy to forget I said, "Ok, let's make it 'harder.' "
Is it just me or are they doing everything but having sex in Viagra commercials.
What do you call a delicacy made by stripping the skin off of a Native American and cooking it? A Sioux Flay
My house is full of Valentines cards. I'm not a legend though Just a lazy postman
What is the longest word in the English language? Nina: What is the longest word in the English language? SoSA: SMILES: becoz there is a mile between the first and last letters!" :P
At first I wondered why the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me.
These riots remind me of basketball There are always people stealing, but you can't win without shooting.
What do you called an unemployed Jamaican? Jah Bless
Every time I go into my boss' office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Where do cousins come from? Ant holes
An Australian soldier arrives at the front line in WW1 where he meets a British officer. The officer asks "have come here to die too?" The soldier replies "No sir, I came yesterday."
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I'm pretty sure it would've been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Why did the employee get fired from the calendar manufacturing company? He took a day off
I was in a highbrow bar at the Ritz Carlton, and their Pianist was asking folks for requests. I said to him, "Can you play an Etude by Chopin?" He replied, "Which one?" I responded, "The composer."
How do you keep an asshole in suspense? I'll tell you later.
Three dyslexics walk into a bra...
What's the difference between a contradiction and a punchline? There's no punchline for this joke.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
I just saw my balls on The Simpsons. Itchy and Scratchy.
Sometimes I just like to surprise my liver and drink water.
Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile* Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco. *Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Whats the technical term for a female to male sex change? An adadictomy
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.
TIL that a class was taught by the wrong stand in teacher and the students knowingly went along with it. Whoops, wrong sub.
How many scientists it takes to change a lightbulb? None *et al.*
my favorite pickup line... "Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform to you?"
Why aren't there any mexicans in star trek? They don't work in the future either.
What's the difference between a drummer and shoes in a dryer? Nothing.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist urinating? Because P is silent
How do you know a girl is into you? Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't.
I have good and bad news WIFE: Bad news first We need a new front door WIFE: And the good news? [points to Monster Truck in living room]
simple joke (but dirty) what's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? a fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I like my women the way I like my coffee... Two years old and stone cold...
Ellen Pao reminds me of this guy I know... His name is OP
Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine. "What's a magazine?" asked every guy under 30.
What's Bill Cosby's favorite cheese? Camembert.
Sar-Chasm (noun) When you're joking, but everyone thinks you're being serious, you've fallen into the sar-chasm.
What has four hairy legs and sleeps with my sister? My father and I
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems--what are you doing?! Me (giving him the finger): Wait--you can see me?
My mother asked me today if I was more attracted to breasts or butts.. I told her to shut up and put her robe back on.
We now have tortilla chips shaped as functional shovels to minimize calories burned when scooping junk into our mouths. Your move, diabetes
Why are the top elites around the world scrambling to buy school supplies? Because scissors beats Panama papers .
My jumper cables stopped working the other day So I called triple A to bounce up my trampoline
Why don't black people dream? The last one who had a dream got shot.
*stares off into the distance* Distance: I have a boyfriend
Every time Guy Fieri forgets to call it "Hotlanta" Chester Cheetah magically appears to remove one flame from his shirt.
Did you hear the one about the two homosexual homeless men? Fucking bums
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was.
You're fat Don't sugar coat it, you'd eat that too
I would never buy a BMW, they're too cheaply made. I mean, they don't even come with turn signals.
I walked past a drug rehab facility today. There was a sign on the front lawn that read "KEEP OFF THE GRASS!"
"Dammit, I'm more than 15 minutes late for my three o'clock." John 3:16.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson's next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
There's a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything. We call her Tracey.
Decaf means something is very, very Dec.
I only had kids so I'd have a valid excuse for always being late
I just fell backwards off a stool trying to get the last few crumbs from a Pringles can into my mouth if anyone needs a wife or something.
What's a zombies favorite exercise? Deadlifts
What do a drunken cat and the pope have in common? They're both Catholics.
"Thanks, you've been a wonderful host!" - Viruses
At first i thought slave jokes had ended but then i realized there must be a market
What do you call an Eskimo peeping Tom? Tom tookalook! Went to see my grandma. Dying of cancer but still got a sense of humour!
Before you wreckyourselfvakia Czechoslovakia
Why did the star go to the bathroom? Because it had to Twinkle.
Q: Did you hear about the marketplace where everything cost twelve and a half cents? A: It was a bit bazaar.
I have a diabetic racist uncle who doesn't get on with milk. He lacks toes and tolerance.
How to change a baby: 1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one's looking
[Sunday] God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake. *walks up to Chick-fil-A* OH COME ON!!
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? I'm surprised if you haven't, they're making lots of headlines.
What did Anakin give to Padme for christmas? Sithilis
She said yes.. Unfortunately the question was 'is this definitely rape'
If your kid's shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I didn't want to believe that my Dad was being accused of stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I'm on a new diet where I can only eat and drink things where I know what the ingredients mean. I can now tell you every ingredients use in Cheetos, how it's obtained, and the molecular structure.
Why isn't there a Windows 9? "Hey Microsoft, why is there no Windows 9? You've given us 7 and 8, and now you're skipping straight to 10?" "Well, to be completely honest, 7 8 9."
I was thinking about quitting ciggaretes But my mom always taught me not to be a quitter
What would happen if for one day nobody could make calls with their cellphone in the United States? Literally nothing, because nobody fucking ever answers their phone to begin with.
Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What is ISIS's favorite smartphone? Samsung Note 7 , according to them it's "the bomb" nowadays.
How many niggers does it take to win a war? All of them.
Three guys walk into a bar... ...the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Why do you not run over a Mexican on a bicycle? It could be your bicycle!
"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....
Why can't any of the seven dwarfs share the same name? Because that could create a pair o' Docs.
What did the priest say when watering his garden? Let us spray.
Joke Of the day Yo mama's so fat when I pictured her in my head she broke my neck.
it must be confusing working at a mint when a power outage happens. because when it happens, everything stops making cents.
Got my new Chinese cookbook today...."101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
My ex-wife was a great housekeeper... she kept the house after the divorce.
Circumcision and Manners Why did they used to circumcise the penis? Because in the good old days, you took off your hat when you were in the presence of a lady.
Chemistry joke If you can't helium or curium, then you barium.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.
2 for the price of 1 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the idiot's house Knock Knock &lt;Who's there?&gt; It's the Chicken
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Looking for rich sugardaddy to support me so I can support my boyfriend so he can tweet more. *thoughtful romantic tweet*
What's the difference between pizza and your opinion? I asked for pizza.
There are two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "It sure is hot in here". The other muffin says, "Yeah like 350, 375".
What do Saudi guys and girls have in common? They all get stoned constantly.
I think I might be famous because twitter just asked me to verify my account. Does this mean I have to do coke now?
"Shoot for the moon, land among the stars" -dead astronaut
You're breaking up with me because I "don't put food in the correct things?" WTF? After I've JUST made you a delicious bowl of toast??
I saw some things at the auction labeled "Art Objects" Considering what they looked like, I'd object, too
Did you her about the boy that was born without any eyelids? They used the foreskin from the circumcision to make them. I guess you could say he was a little cockeyed.
What did Mike Tyson say when he saw Breaking Bad? That's methed-up!
I don't want my wife any longer. Her height is perfect.
What has a beginning and an end, but nothing in the middle? Life.
Q: What does a turkey do when he flies upside down? A: He gobbles up.
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
What else do you need when you use your Batman shampoo? Conditioner Gordon.
Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love
My grandfather was a baker in the army... ...he went in all buns glazing.
If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
What insect is the Wood Ant related to? The Should Ant and the Could Ant.
What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsssssssh
Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle? A: Trying to put batteries in it.
When I play fighting games I press random buttons and hope for the best.
Hungry? The hell with a snickers. Look to her cleavage, you'll find at least two snacks there and maybe some stray popcorn.
English is difficult to learn. It can be taught through tough thorough thought, though.
My heart hurts when you're not around *buuurrrrpp* Never mind
How do lumber theives offload their stolen goods? They fence it.
What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?  A mousetache.
A roman walks into a bar... A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martini, the bartender gives him two and the Roman walks away happy.
A man didn't like his haircut But it started to grow on him
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood? Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Don't forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not
Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.
Q: How do you get a German out of the bath?  A: Turn on the water.
A helicopter crashed on a graveyard Reports says over 500 dead.
How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
The village people asked all the wrong questions I mean... Why not MCA?
Right now Chuck Norris' pumpkin is carving itself
Where Did it go? Where did that list of dark jokes posted this morning go? Iv looked everywhere.
"Your keys are over THERE." - Wow. You have eagle eyes! "Yup. My vision is 20/20." - No. I mean they're small, beady & kinda close together.
My wife kept trying to get pregnant but she blew all her chances
I don't know why people dislike roman Numerals. I, for one, like them.
How did Sherlock reply to Watson's inquiry, "Sherlock, where did you get all of these lemons?" "A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
I like my woman like my espresso; Bitter, exhilarating, and some sort of Italian I guess.
A man walks into a bar after a long day in the mines He asks the bartender for some whiskey, but the bartender replies; "Sorry, we can't sell alcohol to miners."
What did Emma Sulkowicz get for her birthday? I don't know but I'll tell you what she didn't get. Raped
Are guys smarter before, during, or after sex with a woman? During, you're plugged into a know-it-all.
Why can the Devil never go back to Georgia? He fiddled up a little kid.
Woman equalities.
[1st ppl to go camping] wife: what do u wanna do this week? hubs: luxury cruise? w: no h: nice hotel? w: no h: pretend to be homeless w: YES
What do Chinese bears use to cook? A pan. Duh!
Its amazing how much power a simple clipboard can wield. Today I fired my boss. What could he say? I have the clipboard.
So I read the dictionary the other day. Turns out the zebra did it.
For lunch today I ate three lunches.
A Baby Seal Walks Into A Club
What do you call Barrack Obama with a bad spray tan? Orange is the new Barack! edit: Typo on el presidente's name.
Do you know the difference between lunch and a blowjob? You don't??? We should have lunch sometime!
What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador.
School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.
How many blind people does it take to screw in a light bulb? I am not sure, I haven't seen them try and I can't do it either.
1912 called. They want their boring ass concept of a parade back.
Statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile Not me though, I just live next door to a 10 year old with a hot piece of ass
The only thing I hate more than taxi drivers who talk on their phone the whole time are the ones who say even a single word to me.
I wanted to tell a joke about the fluoride in our water making us complacent But I just don't care
So I got a manual on how to please a man. So far it's really come in handy.
Ellin Pao is a perfect redditor... A predditor, if you will
How did Peter Parker know Mary Jane was cheating on him? He spied her man.
If the earth is round why is there no round 2?
My girlfriend said last night "Fuck me like a man" So I putted in her ass and started calling her George
This polo shirt has two buttoning options: Uptight golf prick or disco chest hair.
What did they bilingual foot model say as he enjoyed chips and warm bread by the fireplace? "Tengo toasty toes, toast y toes, y Tostitos." My friend just posted this to Facebook :)
What US state is it easiest to hide a prostitute in? H-Idaho-e
I am Poliachi Man laughs, roll on snare drum
How can you tell if someone who's having a  temper tantrum is on the phone? You get a tizzy signal!
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!
There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.
How can you tell if your son is gay? Ask him to go to a football game. If he can't go, because he's busy sucking his boyfriend's dick, he might be gay.
I'm no fan of Smokey the Bear. He's just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
hey tomorrow you could be hit in the head by a block of cheese so frickin live ur life today before you have to wear ice on ur head tomorrow
Although it sounds like it could be a good one, Pissflaps is a terrible name for a bar & grill
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None; it's a hardware problem.
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
I made a belt out of $100 Bills. It's a waist of money.
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a BMW? I don't have a BMW in my garage. ....and if I did, I *probably* wouldn't masturbate in it.
Mommy, what are these? "Put them back they are sleeping pills!" Oh, then you shouldn't yell "Why?" [whispering] YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP
I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.
It's like Nabisco doesn't even care their Birthday Cake Oreos will wreck my ass.
I suck telling jokes.. Because I start laughing even before I reach the punchline. The doctor says I have a premature hehejaculation.
I'm such a tightass when it comes to going to the proctologist. Gotta pay out the ass.
I watch doomsday films like there's no tomorrow.
My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don't even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
I just got back from a boner contest I must admit, the competition was stiff.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's an obscure number, you have probably never heard of it.
I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.
Say what you want about pedophiles! At least they slow down in school zones.
Ya know who's probably more bummed out than any of us? Bums.
who said that girls don't have a good sense of direction? they sure know their way down.
If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.
I'm too old to still be "getting too old for this." I've arrived.
How did the cheerleader get magic AIDS? A Magic Johnson.
Have you heard about the record-setting farmer...? He's outstanding in his field
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
What Pokemon would you catch in Rio De Janeiro? Zikachu.
In Elevator... Ask "What would Ray Rice do?"
I met a girl with 12 nipples today... Sounds funny dozen tit.
Has Kim Kardashian Broken The Internet? I'm not sure if Kim Kardashian has actually managed to 'break the internet', but she's certainly put a big crack in it!
I don't trust people with graph paper They're always plotting something
How was the bear able to move in order to get honey? It had muscles.
Where does napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies
What do you call a neurotic octopus?  A crazy mixed-up squid.
What does the Mexican kid say as his homework flys out of the window? Ayyee essay, where are you going?
Where are average things manufactured? The Satisfactory
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everyone and a bitch sleeps with everyone but you.
my husband...just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin..... someones not getn laid tonight.
Why did the lizards get a divorce? A reptile dysfunction
Two peanuts were walking down the street One of them was assaulted
How do you say "Fuck You" in Yiddish? Trust me!
A sandwich walks in to a bar... ...and the barman says, "sorry, we don't serve food here"
Penny for the Ruble...oh wait never mind!
Me: My sex life is like your car. Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed? Me: Nope. Electric powered.
It would be nice if Republicans and Democrats could work together to limit Nicolas Cage to 6 movies a year.
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween, so I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in... Fuck the ships ! My lighthouse, my rules !
I'm a huge fan Well, I used to be... now I'm an air conditioner
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat ? The wheelchair!
Friend: "What's a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?"  Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"
I say this to girls at the bar, gets tons of laughs everytime. "So, what's your number?"
Two monkeys were sitting in a tub. The first one says "Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!" The second one says "Perhaps we should add some cold water."
They should harvest the excess fat from fat people to turn into fossil fuels, to solve the world energy problems. Or world hunger.
I am sorry about this. I'm not proud of it. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.
I try to say at least one bad thing about somebody after they die just to counter all the compliments they're getting.
Did you hear about the guy who robbed blind people? Nobody saw it coming.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple? A pimple doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13
3 legged Dog A 3 legged dog walks into an old western salon, looks around, and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
He is so dumb he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!
A Monk went into a shoe store... He was doing some Sole Searching.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hits were The Wall.
How can you tell a hippie's been in your house? He's still there when you get home. What's he say when you tell him to leave? "Na, 'ma stay"
How much wood... ...could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris? *All of it.*
'I hope you're not one of those boys who  sits and watches the school clock' said the principal to a new boy. 'No Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at  three-fifteen.'
Q. Why did the belt go to jail? A. Because he held up a pair of pants!
What do you call a Mexican with crazy intentions? A locomotive!
Gets pulled over. Cop: You know the left lane is just for passing. And you were driving in it for the past 3 miles without passing a single car. Me: Oh yeah I know, that's why we're passing the blunt.
The Energizer bunny is dead... Someone put the batteries in backwards and he died of sexual exhaustion.
A lot of people have been asking me what I'll be doing in 5 years' time? C'mon guys, I don't have 2020 vision.
So a lady with Parkinson's orders a grande decaf peppermint soy latte no whip and I forgot to put the lid on.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
Why can't Sluts Count to 70? Because 69's a mouthful!
What's the hardest part of making monster soup? Stirring it.
You've wasted your time explaining sex to me I still don't get it.
How to give a woman an orgasm? Dream harder.
Carl was annoying Carl walked into a street shop. the first thing he did was cough very loudly. e b 9
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Why doesn't Russia import water buffalo? Because they already have Moscow.
So I broke my Nokia today.
How do you weigh a whale? On Whale Weigh Scales.
Did you know that timing is the secret to great comedy? Like a head phone jack is the secret to a great phone.
I Hate When Old People Poke You at a wedding and say "you are Next". So next time i was at a funeral I poked them and said "You are Next".
KFC now offering the Top Kill sandwich! Bacon. Cheese. Mud. Sandwiched between two oily chicken slabs served on a plate of shame
What did Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self
If you're going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.
Black lives matter Most black 15-year-olds are decent law-abiding citizens. It's their kids that cause all the trouble.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your swimming pool? Bob
What's a neckbeard's favourite country? M'laysia
This orange does not taste right... I think I'm gonna put it back in the crayon box.
What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.
I like my women like I like my cheese Aged.
The liquor store cashier asked me my birth date so I said "12-25-0000", and stared into his eyes majestically.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia
What does Walter White say when someone tells him a knock-knock joke? Nothing, because he is the one who knocks.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Albert Einstein was a genius... But his brother Frank was a monster.
My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it
What do you call John Cena in camouflage? Redundant
When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
So Hydrogen finally admitted to Sodium that she had been bonding with Oxygen Sodium reacted violently.
Joke said by my little sister "Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?" "Why?" "Because she will let it go"
What do Brooklyn and pantyhose have in common? Flatbush.
It could be the wine talking, but I used to be grapes.
Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider? Because it's hard to discern.
Dear Workaholics who browse reddit - how do you manage your time so well?
I was at the bank earlier and an elderly lady asked me to check her balance for her I still don't understand why she was mad when I pushed her over
My boss keeps getting pissed when I call him 'Dick' for short... It might be because his name is Brian.
How many buzzfeed employees does it take to screw a lightbulb? Click here to find out!
In light of situations in the Middle East, I think some humor may be called for How do Muslims like their eggs? Sunni side up.
Lenin, Hitler, and Stalin were in a plane crash. Who was saved? The Russian people
My pants say yoga but my ass says more cupcakes please
My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years.
Who seduces all the ladies at the swimming pool? Don Juan de Marco Polo.
"Jesus loves you." A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison.
How many short term memory loss patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? to get to the other side..
If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.
Why didn't the cow go on to greener pastures? She couldn't find any mooovers.
A mexican fixed my deck today... I guess you can call it Manuel labor.
Where do bees keep their money ? In a honey box !
Never forget. Never forget that Americans can't even get the date the right way around. Sincerely the rest of the world on 9/11.
Once upon a time there was a happy woman... But that happened only once and only to one woman
(Best New Pick Up Line) How much does a polar bear weigh? Like a thousand pounds. Read a fuckin' book.
What is the shortest, very funny joke you know? ITT: comments about my dink, and people who can't search
How do the Jedi imprison Siths? With force-fields
What do you call a river that's an actor? Russell Flow
What's the simplest way to prevent rape? Consent.
What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?  A milk sheik.
What do you call a child that's good at digging? A minor
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
What material does Cayde-6 use to repair his armor after falling feet first into hell? Nathan Filaments (   ) X-Post from /r/DestinyTheGame
What kind of martial art does a chef do? Kung food (Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)
What is the only inedible part of a vegetable? The wheelchair
I would like to apologize to all my American Friends for the Power Blackout in India. Electricity is now restored and your Customer Service & Tech Support is now up & running.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I'll be a hero.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 53 times a day, you're an Instagram filter.
I don't know what I'm more afraid of: killing myself or never doing it. Clowns definitely scare me the most, though.
A skeleton walks into a bar... He says to the bartender, "I'm gonna need a beer and a mop."
How do you make five pounds of fat fun? Add a nipple.
My friend asked if working at the 'Depot for the Mentally Disabled' was a shitty job I said it had its UPS and its downs.
Why don't they show porn on an IMAX screen? Because they can't fit your mum on the screen
I have a fear of two-letter words I get scared just thinking about it
It's rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn't enough.
What do you call a tavern that only serves non-alcoholic drinks? A pro-teen bar
I spend half of my time thinking about fractions Well, not exactly half....
Yo mama so fat... ... The holiday photos are still printing
Martin Shkreli's life was such a joke he was born on April 1st...
What does a statistician call a defective butter substitute? A margarine of error!
I dressed up as a woman for a day just to see what they go through on a daily basis... apparently women get called faggot A LOT.
How would you get four reindeer in a car? Two in the front and two in the back! And how do you get four polar bears in a car? Take the reindeer out first
What is the last thing that crosses a fly's mind when it hits the windshield? - it's asshole!
The sausage mogul Jimmy Dean has passed away. Someone just sent me the link!!!!
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night? They found him dead the next day in his teepee
How did Chad Kroeger lose a quarter? Everyone who bought his tickets wanted their nickelback
You're how old? *does quick math in head* Ok! I'm not old enough to be your mom ...lets do this! -justifying a bad decision with math
I thought of this one in history class today The thing about communist jokes is that everyone has to get them.
What's a SJW's favorite maths topic? Triggernometry
Do you fall for 'click bait'? Yes.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says "I'm going to have to cancel tonight"
It's so insulting when people think they need to explain simple things to me. I mean like, don't consume I'm dumb n shit, you know?
It was a rainy day, she had just left him and was walking back home... "Nobody will find him there" She thought as she walked.
I just opened a shop called Beatbox. We only sell boots n cats.
What is a buddhist's favorite pizza? One with everything
if i ever go missing please don't use that photo of me holding a sign that says "if i ever go missing don't look for me." thanks
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I'd be shopping at the dollar store.
And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life' Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
My Penis was in the Guinness world record book for the bigest penis Until the librarian told me to get it out.
I used to be friends with a lot of metalheads. But then, gradually, our relationships got a little bit rusty.
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another? Sorry, my fault.
People always ask what's the best sport to watch at home. It's obviously volleyball because I can't whip my dick out in the stands.
Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry? Earth: You just don't understand the gravity of the situation. Sun: Oooh... Burn!!!
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? His desk is level
What does a fish say when it swims into a wall? ....Dam.
Got a tan this weekend. Might exchange it for a turquoise.
So the other day in calculus we were talking about concavity I asked if that's why prisoners brush their teeth
Most people don't realize the Hunchback of Notre Dame's back problems were a result of his grueling database entry job.
What is my favorite street sign? Slow children.
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only suffered super fish oil injuries, but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Confucius says... "He who goes to bed with an itchy butt, wakes up with chicken fingers!"
What's a Muslims favourite animal? Its Lamb
%3. Ask Questions. 4. Use the  face.
What do you call a self-absorbed trumpet player? Brasshole
Did you know Thailand has a military? It does a good job of separating the ladyboys from the ladymen.
"I'm still at the airport, actually." -A woman next to me on the train just now
What do you call a slutty dinosaur? A tricerathot
Guess who opened for Justin Bieber... The teenage girls.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat? Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
I tried on a parachute at an extreme sports retailer the other day, and asked my girlfriend how I looked. "It suits you down to the ground", she said.
I got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
What are my views on lesbian relationships ? I view it in HD.
Gonna try and impress this hot girl biking next to me at the gym by answering the Who Wants to be a Millionaire questions out loud.
With Airlines stocks having crashed. I can't decide between paying for two extra bags or buying half the company.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry
I like my hippies like I like my Karma. High.
What did the black man get on his SAT's? BBQ sause.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I'm going to try this with my co-workers.
Hey bro, how did you get so strong? By picking up chicks in the gym
Why was the archeologist sad? His career was in ruins.
Why did the man who robbed the liquor store with a boomerang get caught? Because he couldn't throw away the evidence
You should never kiss someone on Jan 1... It is only the first date.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing.
Remember when dresses were slightly longer but still cute, and when I bent over my gender didn't show? I want those back.
What's the difference between jelly and jam you cant jelly yo dick in a bitch's ass
3 things that happened today 1. My friend says he hates reddit 2. My friend gets hit by a bus 3. I loose my bus driver license
How do you make a hormone Stamp on her foot
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
daniel radcliffe's family were just known as the cliffe's until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
Just had an idea for a book that'd be a good screenplay that'd make a great short that'd be an amazing blog that's totally a tweet.
Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!
How are anal sex and spinach the same? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you're going to hate it as an adult.
Someone broke into my house last night... They took all my soap, shampoo, deodorant and toothpaste. They made a clean getaway.
Did you ever see that movie about constipation? of course not, it never came out.
What language do fast talkers from Moscow speak? *Rush*ian!
What's the craziest "would you rather" scenario you've ever heard? Time for some new ones, the classics are getting tired...
Children of ISIS have been complaining of the heat and the leaders didn't know what to do... lucky for them, they were able to recruit Italian ISIS. credit goes to Jerry Seinfeld for the idea.
[jesus noticeably walking into work 3 days late] sorry i'm late i died
Damn girl are you sitting on a F5 key? Cos' that ass is refreshing
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole? Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
The only reason to have a second kid is if your first one doesn't get a lot of likes on Facebook.
We finally have definitive proof that Osama bin Laden is dead. He just registered to vote in Chicago.
What is the boogiemans favorite dance move? the boogie
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna ride bikes?!?
The hot chick I hooked up with last night must be a Berny Sanders fan... Because when I went to go pee, I could feel the burn.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.
If Trump becomes president, I'm moving to Pakistan! hehehehe......
I want one of those jobs where people ask, "Do you actually get paid for doing this?"
So, I was eating out my grandmother... ...and I tasted horse semen. "Oh," I thought to myself, "so that's how she died."
If I had a dollar for every girl I fucked ... ... I would be still fucking poor!
Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded... at how gullible people on the internet are.
Am I in a safe neighborhood? I only see 2 stores that exclusively sell lacrosse equipment.
What is an epileptics favourite food? Seizure Salad
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly this dick in your mouth.
My love life
adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
So I accidentally fell onto the rope connecting my two pigs... I tore my hamstring.
On a scale of 1 to 10 you can't even weigh yourself unless you are an infant or leprechaun or something.
Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers. Lesson: If you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's head when it hits a windshield? Its ass.
Lots of decisions will be made today... Because it's Choose day.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
What did Delaware? A New Jersey
What happens when you sit on a grape? It gives out a little wine!
Shout out to old guy behind counter who started coughing really hard, drank some water, recovered, chuckled, and said "Not today!"
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison..
"I'd hit that"- me, to rock bottom
Alien: take me to your leader. Me: They all suck. How about I take you to this place I know where you can get amazing mini donuts?
The only time my girl friend will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER"... ...is when they are lowering my casket into the ground!
How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because feminist can't change anything.
Have you seen bofa lately? Bofa deez nutz
[Shipwrecked diary] Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I'm in a Staples.
A rabbit's favourite Christmas song? 'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'
I feel bad for that goober from the Mucinex commercials. It's not his fault he's a little snot.
What's the difference between a magic show and a strip show? A magic show is full of **cunning stunts**
Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once
How do you know tickle me Elmo is male? Because before he leaves the factory they give him two test tickles.
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true.
I once walked in on my brother having sex with my girlfriend. Needless to say I deflated her and threw her in the trash. #awkwardbreakup
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny's cat.
A man rushes into a bar and yells out, "Guys I just heard the funniest pole joke!" And the bartender says, "Hold up there buddy, Im a pole" And the man replies, "Okay, then I will tell it slowly"
Why wouldn't Jeffery Dahmer go down on Terri Schiavo? Because cannibals don't eat vegetables.
What do you call a person who doesn't care that he just got kicked out of a Call of Duty team? *unfazed*
The only way I'd be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I'd have to eventually fold.
If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.
I saw Jimmy Carr at the train station the other day.. ..I guess it's because he doesn't like taxis
My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said " everyone here is alive because I got laid ".
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Teacher: Did you finish you homework? Kid: Did you finish grading my test? Teacher: I have other children's tests to grade Kid: I have other teachers homework to do
How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? Because it is not called a teethbrush.
I own a very profitable bakery I guess you could say, i'm rolling in the dough
How do you get an Aussie to climb up on the roof? Tell him drinks are on the house.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I'll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Whenever I have sex, it's always a race to see who cums first.... Me or the police.
What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute? When I cut up a prostitute i don't cry.
A TCP packet walks into a bar... ... and says to the barmen: "Hello, I'd like a beer." the barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?" "Yes," replies the packet, "I'd like a beer."
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would to if your name was auhmonahahha
"I love you." "I love you, two." Because multiple personality disorder.
Want to hear a good pee joke? Well urine luck.
Instead of regular Christmas cake, I hit my Italian neighbor over the head with a saucepan Pan-a-tony
I just named my whiskey "Titanic" because it goes down better with ice.
do these four empty jars of nutella make me look fat?
Teachers of the modern era who still expect hard copies of assignments can't bitch when I turn in a margarita-soaked paper.
My parents taught me how to walk and talk Now all they want me to do is sit down and be quiet.
What's an otaku's favorite transition metal? Manga-nese!
Me: Who's a good boy? Dog: I thought we settled this.
Taliban Airways We make sure your flight is a blast.
A woman walks into a bar... ...and ruins the joke.
I like my problems like i like my women Constantly following me
How do you know a woman is wearing tights? - Her knees swell up when she farts.
If you get cold just stand in a corner for a while. They are about 90 degrees.
Your sex life It doesn't exist
My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I'll stop putting it in his coffee.
40 Theoretical physicists walk into a bar Or did they?
Why don't you buy your wife a watch? There's already a clock on the stove
What kind of coffee does a peg legged pirate drink? Decalfinated.
So a blind man walks into a bar. No one warned him.
A leper man has sex with a hooker. Keep the tip, he says afterwards.
You're "gluten free?" How nice. I'm mostly "money free" so I can't be so fuckin' picky.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card???
I don't see any former child prodigies/spelling bee champions solving any of the world's problems. Thanks for nothing, you little burn-outs.
Who do you call when a sleepwalker injures himself? The somnambulance.
"There's no such thing as a stupid opinion." Said the world's first feminist
There are two kinds of people People who can count People who can't count People who are there for no particular reason
It's weird that 'coward' doesn't mean "towards a cow". *sips wine*
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one, but we weren't able to get the work done in 1 term because we inherited a really bad situation from the prior administration.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon I'll be sure to let you know which one wins so we can settle this once and for all.
A man tells his friend his wife broke up with him and has full custody of his kids... His friend says: "I feel so sorry" The man says: "I feel worse for the kids"
"Sorry I put my nuts on your desk."
We were so poor Dad could only afford to drink 3-4 nights a week.
What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? Both can smell it but can't eat it.
How do we know that Jesus wasn't born in Mexico? Because he'd never have been able to find 3 wise men and a virgin.
I keep trying to find my wife's killer But nobody will do it
My wife says it's time I stop pretending to be The Karate Kid. I had to put my foot down.
Unlimited data is better than unlimited drama, and that's why I love my phone.
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a lickalotapuss... thanks dad.
When I take pictures of cheese I yell "SAY HUMANS!" and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.
A man goes to his doctor The doctor says "Sir, you have HIV", the man responds "Wow, you can't even trust your own kids these days!".
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA Natives: actually it's no- C: HI INDIANS N: no see, we are nowhere near- C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I should put my GPA up for adoption. There's no way I can raise it by myself.
What is Batman's least favorite ice cream? Vanilla Bane!
Two men walk into a bar... The third one ducks.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don't have any kids...
What's a redditor's favourite sword move? Riposte!
Mexican word of the day: wheelchair Theirs only 1 taco left, so wheel chair.
How do you end beef with someone? With the assistance of your friend, use a machete to chop the cow into pieces.
The inauguration is today... Trump: Unprecedented Obama: Un-Presidented
If you eat guns, you'll sweat bullets. It's science.
What do you call someone who tells too many lame dinosaur jokes? I dino-bore! . I'm sorry.
Why is a room full of married people empty? There isn't a single person in it.
Two reposters are in a plane crush. Who survives? Reddit
what do you call a deaf Gorilla? Anything you like he cannot hear you
In America saying you're the bomb is a compliment but... In Afghanistan it's a question.
If God made anything better than pussy he kept it for himself.
I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix. :(
I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way
Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy? He didn't either.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 6 drinks
What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph. He's too short to be called an ese
No one ever taught me about erections. So I had to learn the hard way.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an  hour. But by thetime I got my tights on.... the class was over!
What do you call a Mexican boxing match? Juan v Juan
Why were the welder and stoner such good friends? They both love to spark up joints.
It was mealtime on an airplane... ...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
They polled Britons on their favorite Jane Austen novel 52% prefer Pride &amp; Prejudice to Sense &amp; Sensibility
Why can't you tell jokes in base 8? Because 7, 10, 11!
And then one day you realize you're older and fatter than old fat Elvis.
Yooo mama's sooo fat...that when she jump fo joyyyy... She got stuck.
Drop what you're doing right now and go take a look at tonight's moon in the iPhone weather app. Gorgeous.
So I just moved to a new area... And as usual I had to tell everyone that I am a registered sex offender. Just kidding, nobody's found out yet.
Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in "The Plunger Games".
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
It was a beautiful day at the beach. .... Three young women with eye-popping racks decided to sunbathe without their bikini tops. .... A cop came along and pinched all six of 'em.
If I ever describe anything you tell me as "crazy," it's really not, I just want out of your conversation prison.
"Benjamin Button" *"Benjamin who?"* "Benjamin" *"Who's there"* "Knock knock"
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Why does Trump like pressing apples in the fall? Because he likes to stick his hand in cider!
GUY FIERI: "Just saying, I'm open all week if anybody requests me." MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION OPERATOR: "Stop fucking calling."
People already feel judged in public but what if they also had the same awful feeling in private? GUY WHO INVENTED RELIGION: I have an idea
What type of tree doesn't remove active torrents? A *Cedar* tree.
What caused The Black Death? The police.
Me: "you hang up" Her: "no you hang up" Me: "no you hang up" Her: "no y-" Jail clerk: "sir, you only get one phone call."
Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting? Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.
Someone asked me if I'd ever taken ecstasy I said, "No, but I've given it a few times."
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Have you ever try ethiopan food ? Neither have they ..
In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.
Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies
You staring at your phone= jerk. Me staring at my phone= cool guy with lots of shit happening in his life.
TIFU by Posting in the Wrong Subreddit Twice
What's black and white and dead all over?
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa! I'm way too high!" -Bruce Baum
What part of a chicken is a musical instrument? The drumstick. (Had this joke stuck in my head for a while so felt like sharing it.)
If things around you don't change, change the thing you're around.
How does Moses make tea? Hewbrews it.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he gets 3 ho's... Yeah it's bad... But santa isn't real anyways...
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph... He isn't a full essay
how did the Imam order his dessert? Allah mode
Jehovah's witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
A Mexican walks into a bar The bartender says "You can stay, but you must sit behind that wall over there."
Lmao this joke has no punchline because Ellen Pao
I've been diagnosed with kleptomania... when it gets really bad, I have to take something.
What kind of ant is good at maths ? An accountant !
I can't take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him... Guess that's what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Greatest Joke on all of Reddit Is this subreddit
I had a blind date tonight Her name was 
Clark Kent: How's your lunch? Bruce Wayne: This soup is great. CK: don't BW: You could even say CK: please don't BW: It's Souper, man
How do you tell when somebodies a vegan? You don't, they will tell you.
I forgot to take my bladder medicine.. The nurse said 'Urine trouble now!'
It's amazing how incredibly urgent emails become not urgent at all if you just wait long enough.
Yer man's no chicken anyways... Who's no chicken? Donald duck.
Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband: - Honey, I have a sad news - a gynecologist told me not have sex for a three weeks... Husband: And what did the dentist say?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I'm dying just let me lay here
Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
What do you call a color-blind pop artist? See No Green
What do you call a quadriplegic Canadian? A Can't-adian!
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism? Me: I've been.. Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: Coffin. Doc: get out
What do you call a bee that has been run over by a car? Bee flat Music joke for those who don't understand. B flat is a note.
Your face. There's a bat for that.
What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip.
A new study finds that women find men with beards more attractive than men without beards More great work from the University of James Harden
I went in HMV earlier and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records. "Walk this way," he replied.
Why are hot dogs the best dogs? Because they feed the hand that bites them.
What happens when a mean girl dies? They write an o-bitch-uary
your mom's so fat her nickname is "damn!"
Nobody except an English major appreciates when I say ... my granddaughter has double Ds
When the woman was asked if she liked asian cock... She replied, "No, I prefer caucasian."
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes
The earthquake shortened Earth's day by 1.8 microseconds, so don't expect me to get everything done this week.
What do you call a witch that stays out all  night? A fresh air freak.
Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac who has dyslexia? He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
[First date] Me: So, I've been married for 12 years - Him: You're married?? Me: Is that a problem?
I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a video of me trying to run in flip flops.
If you can't handle me at my Walmart, you don't deserve me at my Target.
Marriage must be difficult for gay people Ive heard it can be a real pain in the ass.
Yo mama's soo ugly.. One Direction went the other way.
Did you know you can tell whether an ant is male or female easily? Just drop it into water, if it sinks it's a girl ant. But if it floats it's a buoyant!
So I walked into the pharmacy the other day... because I needed to grab some condoms. As I was checking out, the clerk asked, "do you need a bag for that?" I replied, "Nah, she's not that ugly."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cicero ! Cicero who ? Cicero the boat ashore !
White girls: You do know Nutella has been around for more than 50 years and is terrible for you, right?
Girl posted on Facebook: All men are dogs! I commented: Which breed is your father?
Meteorologists have recently reconfigured the 5 categories of hurricane. Number 5 will blow you away.
When does a fuckboy become a fuckman? At his bar mitzfuck.
I was asked today why I thought Kim Kardashian &amp; Kanye West would break up. I replied "dunno, but they're BOUND 2 EVENTUALLY" I hate myself.
I think this belongs here. Mitt Romney
What's a bicyclists favorite letter? A! (hands raised up)
I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching Genders.
Who get's the best grades? A-sians
I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday.  Farcical?
"I've never told a joke" "Are you serious?" "Always."
What do Brits call a fleshlight? A blowtorch.
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero? Three. Two to get murdered and one to never get over it.
If someone starts a speech, "I'd like to take this opportunity--," I interrupt by shouting, "He's trying to take our opportunity! Grab him!"
Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans... Its called the United States.
I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support it's given me over the years.
"Let's get this show on the road." ~ Guy who invented parades
How did Hitler react to the fall of Berlin? He did Nazi-it coming.
Out here in Compton searching for Wiggachu #PokemonGo
It's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.
Know how to get people to stop showing pictures of their kids? reply with "Mmmm fuck yeah"
A racist, a fascist, and an idiot walked into a bar "What can I get you?" Asked the bartender. "I'll just have a water, and make sure the glass is small enough for my hands" said Donald Trump.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here."
My woman's always trying to give me stuff she gets from work. I tell her I've already got herpes.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great!
What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic ME: *covers face with hands* BABY BOSS: oh guess he's out for lunch. I'll talk to him later
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.
Why did FIFA have surgery? They had to remove their Blatter.
What medicine do you take if your butt hurts? Assprin.
The world is my oyster. Expensive and gross.
How many SJW's does it take to change a 90w lightbulb? Did you just assume my wattage??? FLICKERED
Why did the Chinese kangaroo turn red? Because it was making a Great Leap Forward.
Where do you find 100 fat cows? At bingo
So I was watching gay porn yesterday... And I saw my doppelwanger.
Somebody told me to make an original wonderwall joke I said no
What did 18 Year olds in the Byzantine Empire do for fun? Nothing they were busy teens.
You can't take a picture in slutty clothing & glasses & make the caption "NERD LOL" You're not a nerd, you're a whore who found glasses.
What does a massage therapist with a speech impediment who moonlights as a dubstep dj do all day? Wub, wub, wubs.
I know a great knock knock joke. You start.
An Ob-Gyn asks a woman to get in the stirrups and he says, "My god, you have the biggest vagina I've ever seen!" She says, "Well you didn't have to say it twice." He says, "I didn't".
What do my dick and my mind have in common? They both want to get blown.
MOM: always open the door for a lady [later on date] ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks? Him: Thought you said they were baked. Her: I said YOU were baked.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person's argument is, you can always win a debate by adding "yeah, but still" at the end.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and his left leg? He was all right.
mother-in-law (on FB): I'm tired of everyone being so condesending *wife tackles me before I can write "you spelled 'condescending' wrong"*
What do you call citizens of Florida who eat at Chick-Fil-A? Gay-ters
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn't have.
How do you find the circumference of a sheep? Use shepherds pi
Where do Koalas love to go for a holiday? Koala Lumpur.
How did Djengis Khan found Mongolia? One steppe at a time.
Why did the Geometry major marry a Brit? Because she was a cute angle.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a chicken? Just the tiger
Latvian Christmas Christmas Eve father ask son what want christmas. Son say potato. Father say "Ok. Santa bring potato." Next day boy is learn Santa no exist.
I'm a girl When i get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Why did the Irish woman only put 239 beans into her bean soup? Because 1 more would have been 240...
I like my slaves the same way I like my coffee Free
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ? Big holes all over Australia !
"Doctor, how's the patient?" Doctor: He's critical. Patient: Dear prospective viewers, remaking 'Point Break' was a bad mistake. Utterly pointless.
Being asked if you've read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you've had steak at Applebees. You do know there's actual steakhouses?
The neighbors love it when I practice piano. They break my window to hear me better.
Why did the condom fly around the room? It was pissed off.
Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio? The nearest ISOBAR!!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his tea before it was cool.
So, my wife makes moonshine.... ...but I love her still.
If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
How did Helen Keller get punished? Her mom rearranged the living room
[10 mins into couples therapy] Therapist: I cannot help you two. Me: Let's go, Betsy! See! She doesn't listen! T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!
What should you do if you see a vicious dog? Hope he doesn't see you.
Starting a hammock company for kids called Kidnaps and maybe I need to rethink some things.
My doctor is so young that, when I need them, he just comes in the room shouting, "Shots! Shots! Shots!"
Every time I text this guy, he replies with "Sorry, I'm driving." It's been a few days. I'm guessing he's probably made it to Mexico by now.
The Vatican got a huge internet bill this month... Apparently it's because of all the PDF files.
How do you mess with a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Why did the spy stay in bed? To stay under cover
[For HindI speakers] What is the loneliest fruit? A kela
My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display like a museum.
I got kicked out of the chorus line I was with. I just couldn't stay in sequins.
Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?
Att'n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.
Chuck Norris threw an impact grenade and killed one hundred people. Then the grenade blew up.
I'll bet you, like me, average the most "uh"s per sentence when ordering at a fast food drive thru.
When I die I want my group project members to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time
It's ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Why aren't there any black magicians? Because magic is stupid.
What did the bear say to her date? "I'll be down in a minute I'm bearly dressed"
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was driving down the road when it turned into a field.
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because 7 - 8 - 9.
"There goes my Baby" by Usher... ...is a bad song to play at an abortion clinic.
Context is everything "Jesus loves you!" A lovely thing to hear in church. Not so much in a Mexican prison.
Yo momma is so fat... When she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
And the Lord said unto John... "Come forth and receive eternal life." But, John came in fifth and won a toaster.
*CAN'T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR* SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty...
Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"
So a jew walked out of a bank... LOL no he didn't
I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.
I messed up planning my New Year's party I guess you could say I dropped the ball.
My relationship with my Ex was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.
My biology professor's favorite joke What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!
Why did the elephant paint its nails red? So it could hide in the strawberry patch.... Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? No? See, it worked!
My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time. So what if it was the wrong song? There's never a bad time for "We Will Rock You."
Read about that farmer who lost a whole load of crops when crossing the river. Turns out his boat was full of leeks.
The shortest joke in the world 'Dwarf Shortages'
Why can you never trust someone that needs to go to the toilet? Because they're full of shit
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don't think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk
Did you hear the joke with the punchline that is invisible to idiots?
What kind of bars do lesbian Eskimos go to? Klondike Bars
Two atoms walk into a bar. The first one turns to the other and says "I think I've lost an electron!" The second one goes "Are you sure?" To which the first one replies "I'm positive."
How do you put elephant in the fridge? - Answer is open the door and just put the elephant in the fridge.
What did the stoplight say to the car? Don't look, I'm changing!
What happens if you see twin witches? You won't be able to tell witch witch is witch.
If any of my jokes or status have offended you, I am truly sorry......... that you're such a pu$$y.......
I have to write 4 pages in 3 hours, but at least I'm not deployed in Iraq.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
The Sea A husband says to his wife: " -Honey, you remind me of the sea..." " -That's really sweet!" " -No, you just make me sick."
Its girls like u that cause global warming!
The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.
My mom always said I was like a punctuation mark I am an exclamation mark when I should have just been a period.
Why was the socialist kicked from his party? Because he was anti social.
What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
You're so poor I saw you kicking a can across the street I asked you what you were doing you said moving.
The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in.
Salt movie review Gave me hypertension, 16/10.
Even though there's over 10 million people that play WOW, I've got a good feeling the username 'Sarah' isn't taken.
You've really gotta hand it to short people because they usually can't reach it anyways
Some say Blair Walsh tried to commit suicide... ...but it went wide left. Being a Vikings fan is painful
Why did the goal post get angry ? Because the bar was rattled !
It seems like gay guys get the most sex, lesbians get the best sex, and straight people are just fucked.
I know my Valentines day will be full of garbage... ...because I'll get dumped anyway.
If women are looking for a strong man who makes them laugh.. then they are looking for something like a ninja clown.
So I checked into a low class hotel I called the frontdesk and told him "I got a leak in my sink," he said "go ahead."
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don't know they have? a.k.a. "Running Man","Mustang Bob", "Blue truck dude"
Before you insult somebody, walk a mile in their shoes Then, when you insult them you'll be a mile away and they'll have no shoes.
What do you call the runs in space? The floats
mean while, while you were "Gaming ", i tasted 100 different wines in a cave behind a waterfall and cried into a shaman's arms
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7? Because 6, 7 8.
Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger
If Ice T got killed He'd be called Iced T.
What's a pornstars favorite drink? 7 up in cider
Wait, I forget, what's the national pastime? Is it baseball or worrying about Jennifer Aniston's happiness?
Origami The World Origami Championships is today. Let's see how it unfolds.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother!
Hitting the snooze button... ... Is just starting your day off with a nap.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope? A whywolf.
Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4  years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Did you hear about the guy who told everyone goodbye and then didn't leave? It was much adieu about nothing.
how do you help gay psychopaths? With a straight jacket .
What does a suicidal man say to a suicidal girl? Hey, wanna hang?
Why do married women have sex with the lights out. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
What's the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blow job? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
My girlfriend says a 4" penis is just fine. Still, I wish she didn't have one.
Why was Luis Suarez expelled from the rap contest? Because he was biting.
Who are the best readers in the world? Suicide jumpers : hundreds of stories in a few seconds
How do dog catchers get paid? By the Pound!
/r/jpegs A place for an assortment of quality pictures /r/jpegs
Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now
When did John McEnroe arrive at Wimbledon? About tennish.
I own a gossipy parrot... which really says a lot about me.
What's the similarity between Bruce Jenner and a Pharaoh? At some point they turned into Mummys
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.
I've yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I was playing charades with a deaf guy Or as he called it, "having a chat".
My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
Auto mechanic: Well here's your problem. The last person to work on this didn't wash their hands after using the restroom.
Aliens: "Take us to your leader" "No" "What" "Look we've made some mistakes" "Just take..." "It's been a weird year, half of us are morons"
A Jewish boy asks his father for one dollar... ...and his dad responds, "Fifty cents? What do you need twenty-five cents for?"
What do you call a dwarf without a mouth? Short for words.
My son keeps talking to me in binary even though I ask him not to. What kind of boy is he? A noughty one.
'I Love You' is a mathematical function where, 'I Love' - is constant and ; 'You' - is a variable..
When I'm stressed, I go to the gym Cause then I could workout my problems
"I'm not racist, but," -Racists
TIL Hours before Edison died , he came out of coma , opened his eyes and said "It is very beautiful over there" Well tesla said it first anyways.
What's ET short for? His stupid little legs.
New study shows you can get HIV/AIDS from toilet seats in public restrooms By sitting down before the other guy gets up
Seven Bar Jokes Involving Grammar and Punctuation http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/seven-bar-jokes-involving-grammar-and-punctuation
Girl I like keeps putting me in the "dad zone" Good thing this weekend is Father's Day.
What has teeth but no mouth? A comb or a saw.
[on phone] "Press 1 if you're a huge nerd" "Press 2 if you're a virgin" "Press 3 if y-" STOP TALKING, DAD! I'm trying to call Xbox support
TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween.. guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date's white cat?!
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey!
What do you call a milf barista? Joe Mama
Fortunately I've never been brainwashed, so my mind gets dirtier each day.
Why do refugees in Germany smell like shit? Because they're too scared to go in the showers.
What's the difference between me and a dentist? The dentist pulls it out when it hurts.
Want to hear a good joke? Me too.
Short joke I thought of. What's the difference between sheep and women? The Welsh don't know yet either.
Many people are shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.
Pedophiles should be careful around farms Farmers are known for burying seeds.
Why did the salmon cross the road? Cuz it's fucking flooded.
What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song? "Can't Touch This"
She was only a gas-welder's daughter ... ... but she had acetylene tips
Dad, what is a cross-dresser? Ask your mother, he knows.
Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.
Next big terrorist attack I was going to tell a joke about the next horrific terrorist attack, but it's too soon.
Why did the tree look pissed off all the time? It had Resting Birch Face.
Every time I click on AMAs That's all the time we have, thanks everyone!
You know why you like stupid pun-y jokes? Because they /r/funny
What do you say when you are trying to scare your girlfriend? Boo bae! (Read aloud please)
Where in the supermarket would you find the Dalai Lama? Eggs-aisle.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts!
What do you call the corner of 69th and main? Your moms place of employment
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Did you guys see that episode of Finding Bigfoot last night? [SPOILERS] They didn't find Bigfoot.
I know I'm late to the party but why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
How do you split $6 between 5 mexicans? You cut *Juan* out.
Camo Bulletd You know, so they do see it coming!
I was just diagnosed with a severe lack of empathy. But I'm gonna keep going strong! The last thing I will do is start feeling sorry for myself.
So ladies, Oscar Pistorius is single... and he is ...
A man walks into a bar Ouch -badumtiss-
Guarantees in life 1. Death 2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill
Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.
Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge ? Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !
Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans.
A chicken walks into a bar and clucks at the bartender. The bartender says, "No fowl language allowed"
There once was a man named Dave Dave dug up a chick from the grave. She looked kinda gritty... Was missing a titty... But think of the money he saved!
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
Swallowing these multivitamins is like swallowing the Titanic Need a little water to wash it down.
How do you order food at a Muslim restaurant? Allah carte.
Did you hear about the woman who had to quit her job as an air traffic controller to date a monk? She got out of the flying plans and into the friar.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
What do you call a male cow that eats hamburgers? A cannibull..ha..ha..?
Apparently someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in London Poor guy
Did you hear about the Mexican racist? He joined the Que Que Que
What's the hardest part of breaking up with a leper ? They always leave a piece of themselves behind.
The phrase "don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.
Why was the Dark Age dark? Because there were too many knights....
How do you kill a hipster? By drowning him in the mainstream
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My wife ran off with my best friend... Man! I'm going to miss him....
Astrology Fact of the Day (Aquarius) Aquarius, with an extra M becomes aquariums.
I will step on an old woman's face to get to my computer to thumbs down a bad song on Pandora.
"What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?" "...What?" " -Toes." "Out. Just get out."
Why do Scots wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Parkinson's My friend asked me the other day if I had any advice for dealing with Parkinson's, apparently 'just shake it off' wasn't the right answer.
I met a girl with 12 nipples once... Sounds funny Dozen tit
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
A guy walks into a bar ouch If you didn't get it think about in literal terms
Why did they build a shrine to karl marx in Japan? Because he was a kami!
Make sure you your hands if you shit your pants Atleast be sanitary
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A few more beers.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I didn't listen to her or something. Idk I wasn't really paying attention.
What did the Nutzies say to their leader? "Heil Dickler"
What do people who don't like the slippery slope argument call it? The slippery slope fallacy
What did the sadist say when the masochist said "Hit me"? "No."
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Did you hear about the guy that was born without ears? Neither did he.
I was there when my wife gave birth... I was there when my wife gave birth. I watched as piss came out, and then shit. I think my wife regrets letting me name the twins.
What do you call it when a flight attendant gets pregnant? Pilot error.
A teenager tells his dad "Dad I just had sex for the first time ." The father trying to hide his excitement tells his son " here son sit down and lets talk about it" The son replies " I can't"
How are asymptotes like women? You can get close to it, but you can't touch it
What does the fan of a shitty rock band, which canceled a gig in his city, say? "I want my Nickel back!"
some bitch dyke... ...filled up my mentions fggot fucker
I'm sorry did you say your name is ned or bread
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
I'm not exactly Jew. I'm just Jewish.
My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I am schizophrenic. I am too.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Looking for a flexible babysitter. My girlfriend only does missionary.
A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!" "Son you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
I've started calling my penis the bullet. It's really small and comes really fast.
Do you know what is 100,000 French men standing with their hands up? French Army.
Why are Egyptian saxophonists all such good friends? They've got a "toot in common."
I don't always say bye... but when I do, it's to Felicia
With all this excitement about Guardians of the Galaxy, we shouldn't forget the movie of the summer is yet to come out. We still have to wait for Expendables 3.
A man is going to sleep, when his wife decides to surprise him with a blowjob
Why do Americans hate knock knock jokes? Because Freedom Rings.
College graduates, did you know there are people that went to Princeton that can't find a job? And you just went to a normal shitty school.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: "Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives" ...crossing my fingers
If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing wonderwall. I said maybe...
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ayatollah ! Ayatollah who ? Ayatollah you already !
Most Well-known Speeches: 1. Gettysburg Address - Abe Lincoln 2. I Have a Dream - Martin Luther King 3. You Need to Floss - Every Dentist
What mental illness does Hank Hill have? Propanic Depression
Jamiroquai because Jamirosad.
Why do astronauts bring their phone into space? Because they can get 4g
So it's game night at a social group. The social group contains an autisic person, an abuse victim, a socially anxious person, and a depressed person. What game do they choose? They chose "Sorry!".
i wish i lost weight as fast as i lose motivation
Why can't blondes finish software updates? They can never find the "any" key.
HEALTHY VIRGIN Q: What's the definition of a healthy virgin? A: "One who has never been bed-ridden!"
What do you call a joke without a punchline??
I asked Rick Astley for a movie... I asked him to borrow some movies. He said "sure what movies do you want?" I asked him for the movie 'Up'. He started singing. "Never gonna give you Up!"
The guy that takes a picture for girls at a club never gets laid.
The only thing better than iPad... ...is an iTampon.
"Why does everyone hate me?" I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.
How does a Jewish guy make beer? Hebrews it. :)
Doc, I swallowed a chicken bone. "Are you choking?" "No I'm serious!"
Good news for insomniacs! Only one more sleep until Christmas!
Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.
What do you call a white asian who loves cola? Cokeasian.
How come you never see a pregnant Barbie? Because Ken comes in a different box!
How do you stop a dog from barking in July? Shoot him in June.
"I'm going to be famous one day" -Unknown
When's a dentist's favorite time? 40 hours
Suicide Bomber They said, "If you blow up the building, you'll get 72 virgins when you go to heaven!" I said, "How about I just vandalize it for 5 sluts right now?"
I'm going to name my son Red so he'll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Here's a joke ... College fees.
Where do cousins come from? Aunt holes
Do you want to hear a dirty joke? Jimmy fell in the mud. You wanna hear a clean joke? Jimmy had a bath with bubbles. You wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door.
My washing machine is racist.. It only likes whites with whites and colors w colors..
My boyfriend is the best cook With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
What did the tailor say about her job? It's sew sew
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I've never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*yells from space* Did you kill that spider?!
What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams "I wish I was dead," but God hears "Deb," so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Why is your face all scratched ? My girlfriend said it with flowers. How romantic. Not really she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses !
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she's always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Don't have shower sex It's a slippery slope that leads to bath things
"I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat" - me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Why is Latvian cross road? Latvian see potato, but when cross is only secret police.
Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.
If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You'd be surprised how many people hadn't thought of that.
How many climate change deniers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What are you talking about? The bulb is fine.
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!
What do Romulans and Vulcans do with their high school drop outs? Send them to barber school.
What's a pirate's favorite thing about turning 65? AArrrRP
Beer is like sex. When it's good it's good...when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Soldier Smith! I did not see you at camouflage training yesterday! -Sir, Thank you very much, Sir!
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2 He never talks about it.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
What does daenerys give to tyrion? A hand job
Knock Knock Who's there ! Che ! Che who ? Che what your made of !
Whats the difference between a house cat and a polecat ? How much their husbands make
6:30 is the best time on a clock... ...hands down.
What did the drunk egg say? O'm lit!
I don't watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The inventor of the salad spinner would be spinning in his grave if he would have been buried in a salad spinner.
Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.
cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
Why do Italian men grow moustache's? So they can look like their mother.
You know what I hate the most about suspense?
i have claimed all of you on my taxes as a deduction so if someone else asks tell them it is too late
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
I got a tattoo of a gong Because I heard it's cool to get a tattoo of a Chinese cymbal
I think my entire family is racist. I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, "N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S"
What do you call a broken snake? A reptile dysfunction.
I want to leave this world the way I entered it... By accident!
I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in the freezer
What is the theory behind Brownian motion of sperms? It's testicle physics.
Knock Knock *Who's there *The Kgb *The kgb who? *(Slaps person) we will ask the questions.
How do lesbian couples celebrate their anniversary? By eating out.
Why did Luke want to become a jedi so badly? He wanted to get Yoda off his back.
My new Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a blow-job. I don't know whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport..........
Why do ISIS fighters avoid Montreal restaurants? because they serve Poutine.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. A time traveler walks into a bar.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
What do you call racist jokes that are made about black people? Dark humor
What's annoying about going 90 in a school zone? The screaming speed bumps
I don't think a wooden structure is capable of holding up my books. I have low shelf-confidence.
KNOCK KNOCK Who's there? JESUS Jesus who? EXACTLY
sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i'm not a real cop but no one told me i'm pretty today
they should stop calling it the "Make-A-Wish Foundation" and start calling it the "No.... Make-Another-Wish Foundation"
When girls or any women ask you "What?" In reply, it isn't because they didn't hear you. Its because they are giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.
I put a picture of myself in a locket. You could say I'm... independent
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
What would u do if u won the lotto? 10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u. 11yo: I'd buy a monkey. Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?! Years?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Fat people are a bit like circles. Because pie dictates their life.
The guy in front of me is buying a pregnancy test....I bet this is the only time he would rather be buying tampons.
I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?" Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.
Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently. California said "It's not our fault."
Why would it suck to be an egg? Because you only get laid once, only get smashed once, and the only chick that sits on your face is your mother
Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t..
I know that I have an attitude problem But I just don't care
A man lovingly told his fiance "I don't have a big house or a yacht like my friend, Harry, but I will love you forever." She replied, "Oh, yeah. I love you too. Now, who's this Harry?!"
How do you make a feminist angry You don't, they come that way
There are two types of guys. Those who eat pussy and those who lie they don't eat pussy.
How do you make a cat go 'woof'? Douse it in gasoline and set it alight.
Most famous gay couple of all. Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
A friend said he couldn't come to my party because he has diarrhea. I don't believe him, I think he's full of shit.
My Favorite Latvian Joke One day, hear knock on door. Man ask "Who is?" "Is potato man. I come around to give free potato." Man is very excite and opens door. Is not potato man, is secret police.
What do Nazis have for breakfast Luftwaffles
I'm neither going to heaven or hell. I'm coming straight back because Hindus believe in reincarnation.
When does one plus one equal three? Nine months later.
No one told him Syria borders Iraq Why did Obama provide weapons to Al-Qaeda in Syria
I like my women just like Apple... Manafactured in China.
The iPhone SE just came out Finally a phone that Donald Trump can use.
If your dog has fleas and you hear ticks, what should you do? Make a vet appointment for both of you.
Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.
Never trust a screw... ... They might turn on you!
What has 10 letters and starts with Gas? Automobile! Everyone says gasoline because they don't think about it.
What do you say to a woman with one black eye? Nothing, you've already told her.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Hello everyone, welcome back to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous... I gotta say I'm pretty disappointed because I'm seeing a lot of new faces here tonight...
The guy who invented the "hokey pokey" died recently. . . . I heard they had a hard time getting him into the coffin.
[meeting the parents] Do you have one in blonde?
I don't like wearing sandals, they rub me the wrong way... To be fair, that does explain the blisters.
All night long I dreamed that I was a pumpkin. When I woke up, my sister was pregnant.
what did the frog say after he finished his book? Reddit.
Why did the melons have a big wedding? Well, they cantaloupe
Here is one of my favorite Iranian jokes translated to english, for all of you to enjoy Go Fuck Yourself
Episodes 4, 5, and 6 of Star Wars came before episodes 1, 2, and 3... ...because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
What's the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women? American women get stoned before they commit adultery..
I'm not real familiar with who this Rorschach guy is... ...but he sure loves painting pictures of naked dudes.
An Irishman walked out of a bar
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
PayPal is spinning eBay off into its own company. After several years, PayPal finally got tired of living with a hoarder.
why do people do drugs for fun like have you ever tried mac n cheese
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I'm making up for that now.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He's 65 now and we don't know where he is.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now heis walking around like a sour puss.
When does a Mexican know he's hungry? His asshole stops burning.
Why did Snow White stop using the mail-in photo lab? She was tired of singing "Some day, my prints will come..."
How are the Seahawks and my girlfriend similar? they both can get 16 shoved down their throat without choking
If emotional scars were visible, strip clubs would go out of business very quickly.
Career day: Hi kids I'm Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?"
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag ? You take the "F" out of way.
Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.
Police: "How high are you?" Me: "No officer. It's Hi, how are you?"
10 Dollar Compliment A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka's tour.
If you lend someone 20 Bucks, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
There's no b,c,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,n,o,p,q,r,s,u,v,w,x,y, or z in team either.
Wherever you go, hold your head high like you actually did something with your life at some point. It fools most people.
What do you call it when an Irish band is caught lip syncing? Sham rock.
When I was a kid I used to dream about swimming in an ocean of soda... ....but when I grew up I realised it was just a Fantasea
What's the difference between the US and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
My bra has felt way too tight all day. Sorry I just had to get that off my chest.
Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person? He doesn't believe in dog.
Accidentally walked into a mosque "This isn't where I'm supposed to *be headed*"
How did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field.
OMG guys just watched the news and those "COEXIST" bumper stickers totally aren't working :/
Did you know a falling cat ALWAYS lands in a single person's apartment?
Just got my wife a matching bag and belt set for her birthday. Let's hope the vacuum cleaner works better now.
"We run a tight ship" barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway "Real tight." he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so fcuking clumsy.
I'm gonna get a neck tattoo that looks exactly like my neck.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bjork ! Bjork who ? Bjork in the USSR !
The first rule of thesaurus club is... You do not talk, speak, communicate, orate, or converse about thesaurus club
I have just read an interesting dictionary. It had literally no metaphors. I'll ^show^myself^out...
Kanye West gets a bad rap... And then he makes it even worse.
So how does this work now? Does General McChrystal have to give up his Foursquare "Mayor specials" in Kandahar?
What does being in the mafia and eating pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
What do phone books and women have in common? They both couldn't vote before 1920
I told my wife that I am helping create jobs in the economy. I left a dish in the sink and told her she now has a job to do.
I'd expect Captain America to be fatter.
If everyone walked around with their orgasm face, no one would ever get laid.
During wartime, the Philippine flag is flipped upside down so the red part is on top The same thing is done with the French flag, but instead they remove the red and blue colors
Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree Ba-dum tss
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
How do you find a fat girl's vagina? Roll her around in flour and look for the wet spot.
How come Americans never play chess? Because they are missing two towers.
What does Gwen Stefani say when it rains a lot in California? **No Drought.**
"got you by the balls"... classic reference to the type of situation where someone is holding your balls and you can't jump around too much.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Did you hear about the tap dancer? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Batman's identity revealed Batman was identified as Christian Bale Sunday when he didn't show up at church...
How many literalists does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
Lost My Bitcoins Last Week been trying to track them down ever since.
Canadians would be chagrined to know how many Americans think a "Vancouver" is a big tarp for your VW microbus.
What's big and brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? She gets a frog in her throat at 69! Wakka wakka wakka!
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
"I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
How do you know an african has used your computer? Out of nowhere, it has a virus.
A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn't a real sport
A kid and his dad are playing cards... The kids tells his father "Dad, I'm bored" The father then pulls out a box and says "are you sure you're not card board?"
Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn't think you'd remember.
Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ? because he didn't know Mandarin
I'm so bright My mom calls me her sun
What does the boy from Manila spread on his toast? Filipeanut Butter.
how many mice do you need to screw in a light bulb? just 2. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Friends are like trampolines. I've always wanted a trampoline.
I hate those Russian dolls They're so full of themselves.
Why doesn't Barbie have a family? Because Ken comes in another box.
I call the toilet at work Mrs. Star Trek, because I just Shatner.
Q: What do giraffes have that no other animal has? A: Baby giraffes.
What did the otter say to his girlfriend? "You are my significant otter."
Better be named after what? If you had to choose, would you prefer having a disease named after you, or be named after your mother in law?
Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...
Sister: Mom wants you to come in and help fix dinner. Brother: Why? Is it broken?
I can sum up my taste in music and my political and religious beliefs in just a few bumper stickers.
one time this girl pulled me close & said "I'm the girl your mom warned you about" & I said "so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon"
Having persuaded autocorrect that I don't want to duck anything, I hope the council don't take my complaint about the pond the wrong way.
What do houses eat when their breath stinks? Apart Mints
Why are most guys like floor tile? Because if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them from the rest of your life!
My girlfriend's new tattoo My girlfriend has a tattoo of seashell on the inside of her leg. When you put your ear on it, you can smell the sea!
I can't understand my parents. I am 35 years old and they're still living with me.
I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.
What does the floor of my house and a girl with a partial nudity fetish have in common? They both feel a lot wetter when Ive got socks on.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I've been resting for 6 years.
Why won't the holocaust survivor vote for Bernie Sanders? He doesn't want to feel the Bern.
What did the Canadian eel say when the bartender asked him if he'd had enough? No, I think I'd like some more-ay.
If you love something, set it free... Except if 'It' is a man. Because he'll get lost, and won't ask for directions.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the cutest of them all? the mirror laughed & made a grunt & said "not you, you ugly  c*nt.
I used to be confused by the quote "with age comes wisdom", but now that I'm older, I think I've finally figured it out.
Did you hear about the Jewish pedophile? He said "Hey, kid. Can I sell ya some candy?"
HR said I'm not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I'm supposed to use though, they wouldn't tell me.
How do you annoy a Redditor? [deleted]
What do you call gay Dracula? Cock Dracula, because blood isn't the only thing he's sucking ;)
If your uncle jack helped you off a horse, would you help your uncle jack off a horse?
I saw a billboard that said "Watch out for motorcycles. Thousands dead every day!" Beware the motorcycle menace.
"Help! I can't get my jogging trousers off!" "We'll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy"
What's worse than a bee sting? The Holocaust. What's worse than two bee stings? Still the Holocaust. What's worse than the Holocaust? Three bee stings. good'ole anti-humor haha
I'm at my most Mexican when I'm chatting about a movie and I suddenly pronounce Antonio Banderas like a Telemundo newscaster.
I lost two things today. My virginity.. ..and my job at the morgue.
What did the insect say when he saw a gnat get hit? "He did gnat see that coming"
The device will work much better, if you turn it on.
"Well well well." - Me, answering three questions: 1.) How are you? 2.) What's your favorite adverb? 3.) Where'd you hide grandma?
What's yellow and always points to the north?  A magnetic banana.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
A man steps into an elevator with a woman inside... He asks her, "Can I smell your feet?" She responds, "NO!" He says, "Oh shit, then it must be your pussy!"
I asked my friend why i have a thing for short Asian girls. he said "its because you want them to call you Godzilla in bed"
What happened when the cow tried to milk itself? It was an udder catastrophe.
Do you know why police dogs are called K9? Well, because if they used "K10", they'd be cats.
If your friends don't make fun of you, they're not really your friends.
Baby baby... Poopy. (This joke was written by a three year old I know.)
What do children think of the world? I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.
Did you hear about the fight between Haydn and Beethoven? You didn't? Neither did Beethoven.
"Frequently Asked Questions" is the most cheerfully passive-aggressive page of any website.
What do you call a black person in space? An astronaut.
I don't like the idea of having to go on in a world where good people like Robin Williams is no longer with us, but Justin Beiber is still alive and well.
Instead of smoking cigarettes, switch to hanging just outside an establishment, casually repeating that you want to die.
Why do we always see a Dung Beetle with a ball of shit? Because that's how he rolls. ^^/groan
I have the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the Lincoln Park Zoo
Why don't sea-gulls fly over bays? Because then they would be bay-gulls.
What do they call the lower roadway of the George Washington Bridge? the lower roadway of the George Washington Bridge
Whenever someone says, "Good question" I never hear their answer because I'm too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.
I got my PHD in scatology today. Reading all of those YouTube comments was a pain though.
A clairvoyant, palm-reading midget escaped from prison last night. You shoulda seen the headline in this morning's paper..... "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE"
I made a list of my favorite asses... It's a big ass list.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no dick? Still no fucking idea
A soviet joke Q: What doesn't buzz and doesn't fit up your ass? A: A soviet made anal buzzer.
I follow back all spambots. I even star some of their tweets, because I'm looking for a spot in middle management when the robots take over.
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn't have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.
My wife and I have lost over 150lbs combined!!! ...we divorced. I'm not sure how much she weighed but it was definitely over 150lbs.
Do you smoke... The Lady asked," Do you Smoke after Sex?" I said," My gosh I never Looked!!!"
What do you call a dog with iron balls? Sparky.
You want to know what's the toughest part about Thanksgiving dinner at my house? The sexual tensions
I'm so baked, That I'm two apples and three tablespoons of sugar away from a fruit pie.
Me: Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.
What do call a fish with a Phd? A brain sturgeon.
I went to a large bookstore ... ... and asked the lady at the counter, where the self-help section was. She said if she would tell me, it would defeat the very purpose of it.
Did you hear that joke about mosquitoes? it's malarious.
My wife and I often orgasm at the same time But rarely in the same place.
Said she was gonna send a pic of her "backyard' . Turns out we weren't on the same page
Xerxes I is the most successful carpet dealer. He went to the West with a million Persians and came home with only a handful of them.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
How many girlfriends have you had before me? She asked casually, as she sat on the edge of my bed pretending to be interested in my Warhammer catalogue. Fucking stupid question.
What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street? Slip not.
Why did the shark keep swimming in circles It had nosebleed.
[Bad] Why was the gourmet upset when he saw the menu? The prices were gastronomical... (I'll show myself out...)
How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day? One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.
wife: ugh I feel so old me: you're only 36 wife: ugh me: that's like three 12yr olds wife: what me: what
Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire? Because they can only semi retire.
What's the best way to break in a new pair of shoes? Moonwalking
One Direction.
My ex had a really weird fetish... She would dress as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
Trump and Cruz are fighting over whose dick is bigger and whose spouse is a bigger whore. Two more contests Hillary will win.
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Ten-ish.
What is the difference between New York City and the deep south? In the deep south they at least had a show trial before letting murders walk free.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that "Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it's next to Mrs. Sippi."
why do birds sudenly appear every time you are near and how do u always manage to fit that many birds in ur mouth to begin with
Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun but at least you get to push them around.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
No Auto-correct, I never meant "Relationship Goats".
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but... ...when I got home all the signs were there
What do you call a brain dead Swede? A vegetable..
What kind of shampoo do people with Down Syndrome use? Tresemme 21
What where Adam's first words to Eve? "Don't wash it in there, you'll make the fish smell like that!"
I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl. I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.
A hipster has just died Welcome to heaven, says god. The hipster turns back : no way, I'm going to hell before it's cool
(NSFW) My wife was doing the mannequin challenge way before it got popular. She only does it when we have sex though.
pull a prank on your boss by not showing up to work ever again, instant classic
What do you call a Pokemon with a STD? Vulvasoar
Why did the blind man use chopsticks? Because he couldn't see the point in forks.
Dear diarrhea, You're a piece of never-ending shit.
dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color
"Grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?" When her sister dumped me.
Did you hear the one about three holes in the ground? Well, well, well...
What is green and has wheels on it? A grass parking lot.
What does a mathematician do when they have constipation....? They work it out with a pencil!
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
What is a pedophile's favorite musical note? A Minor.
no, dont go there dont touch that no, leave it alone keep your hands off! a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)
I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.
Obama is visiting India! Indian government has installed 15000 CCTV cameras. Come on! Just cause he is Black, he won't steal!
Me:"The store didn't have any bread so I brought flour" Wife:"If they didn't have butter would you buy a cow" *sound of hooves in kitchen*
Why don't Jedi make good comedians? Because their jokes always sound forced.
"Stop hitting me." -Rock bottom.
Is that a tongue ring? No... my mouth is just liftin weights
One ant was running across an unopened box of  crackers and urging another to speed up. "But why do we have to hurry?" said one. "Can you read you nut! It says Tear along the dotted line'".
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I'll paint your ceiling. *To himself* Errybody gon be naked tho.
What did the vampire say when his son scraped his knee? **"Suck it up"**
I don't care what your favorite song is, if you set it as the alarm you wake up to in the morning, you'll want to stab it with other songs.
I used to speak in Fleetwood Mac quotes, but I stopped... ...and I'm never going back again.
Like a good neighbor State Farm and I haven't ever spoken.
I heard about a new drug that is super addictive and leaves one in a state of sustained indifference. Parents, talk to your children about Crystal Meh.
What is the summit of trust? Receiving a blowjob from a cannibal
Sex to a man is like hunger. If he can't get into an expensive French restaurant, he will go to McDonalds.
I like my coffee like how I like my women. Without a penis.
[long ago] A: Ok, so let's mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it. B: Great idea. Write that down. A: Where?
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? ...A tea bag stays in the cup longer! #FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL
There are four Mexicans, one Chinese person, and three black people standing on your lawn. What do you have? A sprinkler system. Spic, spic, spic, spic, chink! Nigga, nigga, nigga.
Places in Japan nowadays have banned some of the traditional Martial Arts, They have adopted a strictly no Kendo attitude
Froth too A guy saw an attractive Jamaican girl; he said...I love cappuccino... He was not attractive at all, so when she him, she was disgusted and spit at him. He said...oh wow with froth too. .
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? The pilot. ^^^^^You ^^^^^racist ^^^^^fuck.
Batman's an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can't knit.
Why did the cat go to the doctors? Because it wasn't feline well
To support all you Movember guys, I'm not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won't shave in Mecember or Manuary either.
Why did the milk cow want the role of the camel in the nativity play so badly? She thought she was a dromedary.
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.
TRUTH: cop teaches class on drug awareness "honestly guys... pot isn't bad for you" *class gives standing ovation* *cop starts breakdancing*
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all right now.
What do you call a Muslim basketball player's best move? Islam Dunk
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day; Teach a man to fish, and a month later he dies of scurvy.
Pessimist: This can't get any worse. Optimist: Yes it can!
It's because you have a penis for a face... Oh, I thought you asked me why no one likes you.
If Chuck Norris catches you writing jokes about him, he'll smash your face into the keyjhesreqdzsf
My girlfriend burned our Hawaiian pizza today... I should have told her to put the oven on aloha setting.
I bet Hemingway would've deleted a shitload of tweets the next day.
Your Uncle Jack Hello there... I would like to ask you a question about helping an old man......... IF UNCLE Jack HELPS YOU off an ELEPHANT would YOU Help UNCLE Jack OFF AN ELEPHANT?
If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.
Indie-Tarts: the nuanced alternative to Pop-Tarts.
Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final
Why are piggy banks actually pigs? To keep Jews away from your money.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He was dead.
is your name melissa? "yes" are you married? "to you sadly" yes or no please "yes" do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Walks up in da club like "Has anyone seen my Mom? She'll be the one trying to cover up everyone's cleavage."
If Bruce Jenner is a woman then Eminem is black. Since when does having boobs make you a woman? If that was the case all women that lost their boobs to breast cancer are now dudes.
What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color? GINGER.
Have you seen the new interview of John Cena? Yeah me neither..........
What were Adam's first ever words to Eve? "Stand back - I don't know how big it's going to get!"
What's a pirate's favorite subreddit? /r/matey
How does a barber make phone calls?  He cuts them short.
There are 42 references to food in the Bible, nuts, crackers, and fruitcakes are some of the... people who believe in it.
I didn't think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I don't see dead people, I just see people that I wish were dead.
*Leonardo Dicapreo goes up to accept oscar* *pulls out speech* *blows dust off of it* Yes I'd like to thank the directors of titanic for th-
It is odd, isn't it, that to get rid of penis enhancement emails .. .. I have to send them to the Junk box.
Pretty soon Starbucks will stop being coy and offer to just shove a pumpkin & a fistful of nutmeg in your ass for $20.
A boyfriend asks his girlfriend: "What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?" "Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. "OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."
Bob suddenly realized his wife had fallen off her horse Which was quite a relief as just an hour ago he'd thought he'd gone deaf
Whoever thought up the spelling of the word "queue" is stueuepid.
You couldn't even imagine how good I am at taking a fake phone call to get out of a boring conversation. It's Oscar worthy.
Last night instead of feeding my rabbit , I went out clubbing got really pissed and took drugs......I really let my hare down
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we'll be using the acoustic chair.
Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What's the 25cents for?
Gf: "You want to know what your problem is?" Me: *looks at watch* "Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours"
Lets give each other cute nicknames like, 'Plaintiff' and 'Defendant'
What do the mafia and 69 have in common? A slip of the tongue and you're in for some shit.
What do you call two stoners sharing a joint over dessert? Joint custardy
What do you get when you cross 400 Obese Water Buffalo with a Transgender Pimp? Clickbait
What is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head? You don't want to look down.
What do you say to Aziz Ansari when you forget his birthday? Aziz, I'm sorry.
Yesterday my dear friend Gavin passed away after taking heartburn pills. I can't believe Gaviscon.
what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce? one guacamole
Why did Cyclops close his school? He only had one pupil.
Why are black girls tame in bed? Because they have no daddy issues.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I said "My, what big eyes you have!" Followed by "My, what big hands you have!" And then "My what big teeth you have!" My charity gig for children with disabilities did not start out well.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Why did the baker only date large breasted women? Because he kneaded them.
Why did Hitler kill himself? Because he saw his gas bill
What's the difference between tuna, glue and a piano? You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? A: I didn't do it on porpoise.
What do you do with an aggressive Islamic German shepherd Muslim
The frustration I feel untangling my earbuds before I use them never translates into me putting them away neatly when I'm done.
Black Whopper at BK You hear BK is now selling a black whopper? They are already cancelling it because it will never work and everyone wants it for free ...... lmao
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
I've been fired for a childish behaviour Apparently, sucking tits of my female coworkers wasn't such a good idea.
Trump There's no punchline, as the title was the full joke
TIL that my chemistry professor is a zoophile I walked in on him while he was in his lab
What do you do if you come across a tiger? Wipe it off and apologise.
And then I was all: "I'm really getting sick of your shit, bitch." And then she was all: "To speak with a representative please press 7."
Things a raccoon and I have in common: 1) Dark circles around the eyes. 2) Likes eating junk. 3) We're both cute but will kill you.
What do you call a Native American who graduated from medical school? A doctor you racist
A Girl In London Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in London gave me a sexually transmitted disease". His mate replies "you were lucky, in Yorkshire you would have had to pay for it!"
A snake is what happens when a string goes "what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head"
I have CDO. It's like OCD, except that the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they're supposed to be.
What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe? I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
A man was applying for a job in the navy So, the interviewer said. "Can you swim." The man looked puzzled and asked. "Why, did you run out of ships?"
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? Cause it runs in your jeans.
Why does Saturn have rings? God really liked it so he put rings on it.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
i didn't get your text because i'm lying
Damn girl, are you today's date? Cause you're 10/10
Saw an accident on the highway today that made me feel like a short-sighted man in a strip club... I couldn't see much but there was definitely a semi involved.
what is an pirates fav element potassium because pirate doesnt want scurvy. it not argon k?
Why are there no good jokes about engineers? zzzzzzzzz, wait, I fell asleep at the punchline.
So how do I take the gum out of my hair? Cancer.
10 qualities of a perfect girlfriend: 1. Truthful 2. Intelligent 3. Gentle 4. Humble 5. Tolerant 6. Polite 7. Understanding 8. Sexy 9. Smart 10. Young In short:- T.I.G.H.T.P.U.S.S.Y
There was a failed art theft today... the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.
'911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE' uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don't you hang up, lose the 'tude and lets try that again, pal
So I heard you just saw a play at Ford Theater, how was it? It was Mind-Blowing
I have a lot of growing up to do... I realized this the other day... inside my fort.
What's a good thing about a novelist conman? He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose.
Did you hear about the Nuns up north who started a marijuana dispensary? Holy smokes...
This sub is the greenest on all of reddit It runs a 100% on recycled jokes.
Small one A midget fortune teller escapes with some money and is not found by the police. Headline in the next day's newspaper: Small medium at large.
Knock knock. Whose there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget!
Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.
BIRDMAN Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "We need the eggs."
George Bush is a pretty handsome man I would rate him 9/11
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? You take your foot off the top of their head.
Obesity doesn't run in your family - NO ONE runs in your family.
Clean shirts Q: How does Snoop Dogg keep his tee shirts so white? A: Blee-otch.
Here's a tip: When making sad face emoticons, use :( If you use ): that means your mouth fell off and a frisbee is lodged in your forehead
When do chickens stop laying eggs? Henopause
Hear about the cross-eyed teacher? ... she just couldn't control her pupils.
Rohypnol.......
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.
My car is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.
Why can't the train lady have a baby? Because she's miss carriaged.^(is it morbid?)
During conversation, a guy mispronounces a physicist's name. Upon realizing this, he apologizes profusely. The physicist says, "It's Feynman."
What is Jamaica's favorite TV series? The Walking Dread
My therapist says I'm paranoid. He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.
[NSFW]We should learn three things from dogs. 1. Love 2. Trust 3. Faithfulness And what we actually learn? Doggy style
He always tells the jokes out of order Why would Tarantino be a terrible comedian?
President Obama has done nothing for the people of Ohio. For example they still live there
Dating tip: don't mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Shock Therapy Barbie ...car battery and wires included
SATs Roses are red, Violets are blue. I copied your answers, and I failed too.
I just realized why my wife never posts on Reddit. She always has to have the last word.
A Muslim, a communist and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar... And the bartender says, "Hello Mr. President!"
"I was going home with someone new every night. I didn't even know their names, and you know what? I didn't care." - class hamster memoir.
How Do You Make A Blind Man Angry? Give him a basketball and ask him what it says.
My dog forgot it's mother's day, again.
The Sahara desert walks into a bar. The barman says "long time no sea."
The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.
What did the pirate say to his kids when picking them up from school? Get in the carrrrrrrrrrrr!
A recent study found that an estimated 25% of Republicans are on medication for mental illness. Why in the hell are we letting the other 75% go untreated???
You know what they say about a man with cold hands...... No gloves.
How many sad soccer fans are there today? A Brazillion...
As soon as you see the cop approaching, throw the bag of weed in his hands and do a citizen's arrest.
What do you call patriotic pubes? A Merkin.
I don't date married men. I mean I wouldn't call it dating...
How many of those brownies did you eat, private? "All of them sir!" "That was my stash private." "Negative sir it was labeled private!"
Tiger is wearing a summery pink top with black trousers during his opening round at The Open. He's so getting laid tonight
A priest, rapist and pedophile enter a bar. ^^^A ^^^priest, ^^^rapist ^^^and ^^^pedophile ^^^enter ^^^a ^^^bar. He orders a beer.
National Women's Equality Day is the Same Day as National Dog's Day Coincidence? I think not.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Today I was asked, "What is something you prefer from a sexual partner, but could go without?" "Consent"
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
That's the problem with exhibitionists. They're fucking everywhere.
TIL never give up your seat for a lady, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Ned: Boy! Was I ever in hot water last night ! Ed: You were? What did you do ? Ned: I took a bath !
I dumped my gf as she had OCD Odorous Cunt Discharge
On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?
Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chicken...
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
GIRL NEARBY: I'm breaking up with you, Kevin. You don't talk about Pokemon enough. [I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
That one onion ring didn't end up in your french fries by accident. That's Burger King's way of flirting with you.
"O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!" ~ Japanese flag designer
So three gay guys are sitting in a jacuzzi.... A condom them floats up from the bottom of the jacuzzi. At that point one of them says, "Who farted?"
My 40 yard dash time: 5.5 My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3
How do you defend your breath mints? Tic-Tactically.
Michael J Fox and Taylor Swift dated, but broke up Don't worry, they're both going to shake, shake it off.
What medical device helps people that are uncomfortable looking at male genitalia? A cockleer implant.
Why do Jewish Men get Circumcised ...Because Jewish woman cant resist 20% OFF.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
Hey girl whats your sine? It must be 90 degrees because you're the 1.
A heavy woman walks into a lingerie shop. She was bra'd
What sexual position produces the ugliest babies? Go ask your mother.
Lesson of the day: NEVER EVER make fun of an Asian woman on her period. On a related note: I got stabbed with a chopstick.
Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.
If you want to cry use a tissue, not your Facebook status.
"even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill." - my first and last day as a defense attorney
How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.
why does the NSA hate blizzards? Because they get Snowden.
Johnny got back from drug rehab... ...and they asked did he managed to quit taking drugs. He said: "Well, on one hand a I did, but on the other one I didn't."
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the  symbol] DREW: ooh that's 8 days in the hole CONTESTANT: what? [hole opens in the ground]
They call me Big Dick But im average at best.
What did the dead blues musician sing? "Didn't wake up this morning..."
What's the best angle to tackle a problem? The try-angle
I just want a man who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.
I tried to get into the knife sharpening academy I didn't make the cut.
What do you call an academic who apologises all the time? An anthropologist
Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.
(NSFW) I made my girl so wet last night... ...that bitch is STILL crying...
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Bottom of the Class "I'm worried about you always being at the bottom of your class," said the father to his son. "Don't worry Dad," he replied. "They still teach the same thing at both ends."
Remember when people uses Chuck Norris jokes? They all died because of unknown source :)
How do you get an LSU football player to stop masturbating? Paint his penis crimson and white, and he'll never beat it.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator? The fridge don't fart when you pull meat out of it.
I lost 12 pounds in a week. Good thing I'm not a big investor.
Batman prank calls Spider-Man... Batman asks, "Is uncle Ben home?" Spider-Man says, "No! He is at the theater with your parents!"
[last supper] Judas: Here, I brought this Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand Judas: *winks at camera*
What is Donald Trump's favorite river? Denial.
Reddit must have seen your mom the other day... ...cause went down for while and has been *up* ever since.
I wish people who take selfies or make amateur porn would clean up their room first.
What's the difference between an elephant and a banana ? Have you ever tried to peel an elephant ?
I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering
"Trent! Your only job was to prep the classroom for Diversity Day!" ME: *in full scuba gear* look, I think "diver city day" could be fun too
Well, I was going to make a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy...
[E] open box [empty]
When I looked at the eclipse yesterday all I could see were my parents fighting :(
People, today, I met and chatted up a super-hot stripper at Walmart. Sorry, there's no punch line - I'm still too shocked to write one.
A Big Moron and a Little Moron Were on a Trestle The big moron fell off. How did the other stay on? He was a little more on...
You know how racist make their pancakes? With white powder.
Deer nuts and beer nuts What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.
I can speak any language. I just don't understand what I'm saying in anything but english.
I was sending out letters the other day, when all of a sudden I got a paper cut... ...Bloody envelopes!
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.
"I'm sorry" &amp; "I apologize" mean the same thing unless... you're at a funeral.
Why did the viper want to become a python?  He got the coiling.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic? A person who stays up at night, wondering if there's a dog.
Two in one **Dude**: My IQ is absolutely massive! **Guy**: IQ is a representation of your matriarchal heritage? **Dude**: Clever.. maybe my IQ that big after all **Guy**: Ah, *patriarchal* heritage!
Do you know what my dad and Brad Pitt have in common? Neither came to my birthday party
"Call your blonde friend, your black friend & your Asian friend!" - every cellphone ad ever
Anyone hear the one.. Anyone hear the one about the messy bed? Yeah, I made it up.
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
I really don't want to be a professional web developper Selling my &lt;body&gt; feels wrong.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My calculator sucks It always gives me the wrong answer
Yo momma's so fat... .. when she fell out of bed, it was detected by LIGO.
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.. ..so I pushed her over.
I didn't get the joke about the hot air balloon. I think it was over my head.
Why did Rudolfo salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket? Because the label said General Foods.
What do you do if a cow is in the middle of the road you're driving on? steer clear
What do you call a small Mexican? A paragraph.
Ways to get me naked: 1. Be hot 2. Be funny 3. Be alcohol 4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
What's a mathematician's favorite plant? The geome-tree!
There is only one type of cake I don't like Stomach ache
A nice pick-up line I made up Hey are you from Brazil? Because I'm trying to score with you seven times.
True story: Surgeon: Did someone fart? Silence Surgeon: I need to know if someone farted. I may have perforated bowel. Med student: I farted
Where can you get away with rape? Any school for the deaf
The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman. She wrote him a John Deere letter.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it's the cat's way of saying "What the f are you looking at?!"
Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
I like my scotch like I like my women.. 12 and single.
Monday, after class, I get back to my dorm ready to start all my homework due this week.
How to piss me off: rearrange the grocery store. How to send me into a psychotic rage: rearrange the liquor store.
Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from "The Sleeping Disease"
A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, "Your technique is flawless."
Reddit has gone so dark that it just got shot in the back by a cop
What's the difference between a Commie and a Hippie? Nothing. They both suck.^
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
What do you get when you have seven dragon balls? Nothing! This is real life.
I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.
I like my sex like I like my banana trees If it won't bear fruit, it's not appealing.
"Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest" - T-Rex singing "Head, shoulders, knees and toes".
What was Hitler's favorite Yugioh card? Blue Eyes White Person
Husband to wife: "I am impressed, you only talked to your friend on the phone for 20 minutes." Wife: "Oh, I dialed the wrong number"
Who performs the most assisted suicides. Youth in Asia.
What is agitated buy joyful? A washing machine
Do you know who are the fastest readers in the world? 9-11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.....
Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"
[OC] Where do all the cutest electrons hang out? A d orbital
What did the IRS agent say to the financially backward store owner? "Ehh it's easier If I just write it off as tax evasion"
TIL that some barbers have haircut numbers "Honey, I just went to the barbershop and had a fantastic number 2!"
Yo dawg...pass me my 9mm I didn't realize these bolts were metric
'Ukraine's crisis has been caused by the west.' - Putin
How will Hillary Clinton keep the economy up? She won't, a secretary will.
It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.
Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day... Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.
I have diabetes.... There's no sugar coating it.
What do you call a rabbi who plays baseball? Big League Jew.
What do you do if an epileptic falls in your swimming pool? Throw in your laundry.
I have a new co-worker, who only has seven toes. I instantly hated him. Turns out I'm lack toes intolerant.
BY COINCIDENCE By coincidence, the mom from Toy Story had adult toys named Woody and Buzz Lightyear
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Why are there fences around a graveyard? People are dying to get in.
A man brought a dead animal onto a plane... When the flight attendant asked what he was doing, he simply replied, "It's my carrion luggage!"
[bank robbery] Robber 1: put money in the bag Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1? Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There's only 3 of us
What did the abortionist have for breakfast? Scrambled eggs =p
What do you call a white guy surrounded by a group of black guys? Coach.
Plumbing My German plumber accidentally hooked up the gas pipes to my shower.... I guess old habits die hard.
Bricks and mortar are so passe. I going to live in my homepage.
There is one rule to Tennis Love means nothing
Whats the best part about twenty-three year old's. There's twenty of them
What do you call a pirate with no friends? Ginger Beard
I'm thinking of writing a Mystery novel... or am I?
Did you hear? Lorainna Bobbitt dies in a car accident! She was merging into traffic, and some dick cut her off.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple ? Because everyone had to go on in pairs !
Why was Michael Jackson always late for meetings? Because he was always coming in a little behind.
Did you hear about the couple who went on a second honeymoon to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary? This time it was his turn to sit on the edge of the bed and cry because it was too big.
What do you call it when a really large number marries a small number? A Ranged Marriage
It's difficult being a dyslexic agnostic I'm never quite sure whether or not there's a dog
[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy's (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast
A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That's nuts!
What do you call Batman who skips Church? Christian *Bale*
My opinions are like my bed sheets. I only change them if it helps me get laid.
What is Hellen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.
Just once I want to see a highway raised by its loving biological parents.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school? ART ART ART!
Husband: "Honey, at work I fainted, and Natalie took me to the doctor. He says I need a brain surgery in 72 hours and blood transfusion also." Wife: "Who is Natalie?"
A lawyer is offered two cases... He can either defend a rapist or defend a burglar. He says: "I'll defend the rapist, I love when people get fucked."
Did you guys hear about the new death camps in North Korea? No you didn't. You haven't heard anything. Long Live the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
9/11 never forget 11/9 always regret
Why were the teachers eyes so crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.
INCREASINGLY DESPERATE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR "HOW MANY SHADOWS SHOULD I HAVE?"
What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Baraccoli
Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.
I Went To See Star Wars Yesterday... And some asshole in the protectionist's booth spent two hours showing everyone spoilers. What a dick.
Why do they say I'm black in the bedroom? I'm fast.
I always thought Americans should say "B". Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
My fourth grade teacher told the class to go outside and sit Indian style... so I drank a bottle of vodka and passed out in the street.
My psychiatrist asked me about how many times a day I exaggerate. I responded, "Like a billion."
Menstruation is NOT a laughing matter. Period.
Here's a joke about cancer... about 1/3 of you guys will get it.
Worst place to buy condoms? A church. They're holy.
Jews What is the difference between a pizza and a jew? Jews dont scream in the oven. What is the difference between a boy scout and a jew? Boy scouts come home from camp.
Excited for Tuesday. Inception is releasing a DVD, inside of a Bluray, inside of a digital copy, inside of a dream, inside of BestBuy.
My co-worker is so annoying... She's always showing me pictures of her daughter and always asking: "Have you seen my baby?" It's so annoying, come on, its been two years, they're never gonna find her.
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but.. Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who's not Employee of the Month.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he cums once a year.
What do you call a sleep walking nun? A Roman Catholic
A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand... and says "Make me one with everything."
What would be a more appropriate name for spiderman? Peter parkour.
What is a chinese homosexual videogamer called? Gay Ming
Mexican word of the day: Chicken Wing My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing some money.
What is Julian Assange's favorite vegetable? WikiLeeks.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini? I don't have a Lamborghini in my basement.
If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them.
Come on iPhone! It's someone, not semen. Now my mom thinks I'll find semen to help me. Related: I'm looking for semen to help me.
"Did anyone else's house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices..........oh U2?"
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it...
I can't wait to listen to the new Kelly Rowland album... I believe it's called "Milk, Milk"
GM developing car seats which detect how wet your ass is and post the data onto your facebook page, for fun?? fuck eveory thing about this .
Fucking dirigibles.
I Ejaculated 6 Feet Earlier. Which is weird, as I usually ejaculate semen.
There are three things verbose realtors should keep in mind... Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
twitter: the only place where you get excited when a stranger follows you
Candy corn is the rare candy that's worse than than the vegetable it's based on.
"Where will you see yourself in 15 years?" A Mirror
Toads and choads What do toads and choads have in common? They both taste a bit swampy
What do you get when when you mix cocaine and LSD? Time
Scientists discover that Jupiter's moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, "Oh, hell no."
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.
I've had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend. I've started seeing someone else.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
Bollywood What's the reason Bollywood Cast parties are awkward? They think Cast is spelled with an e.
Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a  flat tire.
When a woman says "fine" what she really means is "I'm going to say things are fine but they really aren't and I will later throw it back in your face.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!"
What has 6 eyes but cant see? 3 blind mice.
If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.
Why is the ocean salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.
What do you call a cock blocker? A knobstacle.
Three crows walk into a bar HL3 confirmed.
Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein  Russian: Niej  Arabic: La  Women: Yes, but ...
I had a job interview today, the interviewer asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. Luckily, I have 2020 vision.
NSFW What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
Man walks into a bar and asks, "Can I have a Colt 45?" "Sorry Sir," comes the reply "We have sold out". "OK, no problem, can I have a Luger and Lime instead?"
So, it's now officially a week after the Super Bowl, can we please stop with the Super Bowl jokes? They're going right over my head.
Why do girls wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they smell bad
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.
Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
He's going to change just for you? Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid
How do you know Moby Dick was a gay whale? Because he was trying to swallow the sea men...
In general, the wronger it is, the louder it's shouted.
Everyone, stop with the Jell-O jokes. They're off-pudding.
Bieber roast! Lets hear your best or should I said your worst! Calling all redditors!
"Daaaaaaaaaaaad, what should I do with this industrial roll of bubble wrap?" "Just pop it in the corner please" It took me 2 hours.
"It's okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too."
Why doesn't Gabe Newell have kids? He can't get to 3rd base
Why are Communists bad Java programmers? They don't like classes.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
A squirrel had dynamite. He was trying to bust a nut
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? It only takes two mice to screw in a light bulb. The hard part is getting them in there.
Why was the whistleblower late for his annual winter whistleblower's convention? Because he was Snowden!
If I'm guilty of anything it's only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
What does 90 year old vagina taste like? Depends
Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? After they were caught, they finished each other's sentences.
[dog social media] Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption - "woof, woof, woof." Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
It's good to meet girl in park. But better to park meat in girl.
Did you hear about the Grizzly that killed a camper? He used his bear hands
Knock knock. *Yodelayhe
"How about... we change the 6 to a 7?" "I love it!" --board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year's Eve
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships?  At parking meteors.
A guy in Saudi Arabia once masturbated, breaking the law of the land. His name? Sheik Dawood.
A Mexican and a Black are in the car. Who is driving? The Cop.
An American History Joke What do you call 5 black people having sex? A threesome.
Is no shave November just for men? Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.
I have a dream, that one day white socks & black shoes can be together without hatred. And not just because I accidentally wore them today.
I just typed "relationship" and it came up "delusional" on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says: "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Tan lines are like highlighter for your most awesome body parts.
Why do your in-laws become dangerous after a divorce? They become outlaws
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it. So I choose not to post it this time around Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys! ( Edited when I only had 27)
Helen Keller walked into a bar And a table, and a chair
I just don't get the immigration issue... If they can't get Visas, then they should just apply for Mastercards.
I own a store that sells crafts painted with blood It's called the Artery
stay safe this international men's day. make sure your man is at least 165 degrees in the center
The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ? A carrot !
World's Funniest Joke? Women's rights!
What's brown, smelly and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
Ladies, if he tells you he's 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren't two separate measurements.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOM!!
If you eat enough ice cream your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
How does a blonde high-five? She smacks herself in the forehead. 
I've slept with a series of triplets i called it a waltz
In honour of Mothers Day, what's your favourite Yo' Momma Joke?
What do you call an erection you get at a funeral? Mourning wood
How did the world's tallest monster become short overnight? Someone stole all his money.
What do you call a virus that affects your command-line? A Terminal Illness.
Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog? He wanted to git a long little doggy.
She said she wanted to hear a double-entendre... ...so I gave her one.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer" from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Physics! What hurts really bad? Frequency!
Who sews really really fast? Tailor Swift
Q: What's the best pickup line to use in a gay bar? A: May I push in your stool?
"Sleep is for the dead". Yeah cos you look so alive when you're yawning. #stupidsayings
2 condoms walk past a gay bar. One says to the other, "Hey, wanna go get shit faced?"
Wife: You're so lucky, I'm like a trophy wife! Me: Wow, I'd hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I saw Stevie Wonder at the airport, but he didn't see me. *(True story, courtesy of Dad)*
The FCC requires all rock stations to hire a woman named Kat.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren't going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
How did the hipster break his neck? He jump off the diving board before it was pool.
The Zen Master ordered a hotdog and said..... I want one with everything
I used to Remember Leonardo DiCaprio When I was feeling down. Unfortunately I still remember him.
anyone here with one leg? i have a ton of socks you can have
Why are fat couples always so close? Gravity
How does a black woman fight crime? By having an abortion
Why would anybody ask me anything when google exists?
My girlfriend always likes to pretend to be 14 when we have sex... I don't know why, she'll be 14 in a couple years anyway.
Why did the shit-kicker cross the road? To use his rich neighbor's outhouse.
There are 3 types of people in this world People that can count and people that can't.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It's like, pick a side, babies.
What's the coldest type of reptile? Blizzards.
I've got my fingers in many pies Which is why I lost my job as a waiter.
How do you turn a fox into a cow? Get married to her.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a drink and a mop"
I had a racing snail... To make him more aero-dynamic I took off its shell. If anything it made him more sluggish
He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch!
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... They'd find me attractive.
My SO and I recently decided we don't want to have kids... I think the kids are taking it the hardest
So I see Keira Knightley has named her daughter Edie.. Guess her name won't be the only thing without double D's
An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started raping people. The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.
Guns don't kill people... Husbands that come home early from work do.
Guy at the gym had "True Gentleman" tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.
Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
Impress an Asian chick by treating her as an equal.
What's Super Mario's favorite type of jeans? Denim Denim Denim
"My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"
Rude limerick anyone? There was a man from Leeds who swallowed a packet of seeds. Great tufts of grass grew out of his arse, and his balls were infested with weeds.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me: I didn't do... Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody Me: These are my regular clothes
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a shit.
Cute Pirate Joke What is a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? Well, you might think that it'd be Arrrrby's, but they are actually quite fond of Long John Silvers.
Did you know 50% of Asians in America have cataracts? The other half drive Lincolns
Mom: Why can't you be successful like your brother? Amazon: heh Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons! Thanksgiving at the Primes
How do you make a goldfish old? Take away the G.
What kind of a joke does a black person not get? Dadjokes
When I was in Paris, I got up early to get some food. They had this huge mushroom buffet. Portabella, shiitake; Breakfast of champignons
[teen me w/GF in my dad's car] Me: You wanna do it? Her: *giggling* Yes Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Toasted bread is like parents If theyre black you have nothing to eat.
Aren't dad jokes great? I got a bad sunburn a week ago, and my skin is staring to peel of.I guess you could say that it's.....appealing
How many Hitlers does it take to change a light bulb? Nein
Wife: "I'm going to bed, honey." Husband: "Okay, sweetheart. I'll go get you a tylenol." Wife: "But why? I don't have a headache." Husband: "Great! Let's fuck."
My humour is so black... ... it started picking cotton.
(Q)....What do fat chicks and scooters have in common? (A).... They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
I Remember The Guy Who Made Me Smile For The Rest Of My Life He's the reason why I don't do plastic surgery anymore.
What do you call a mexican baptism? Bean dip.
What do you call a relative of a nap? A napkin.
"I left you a voicemail." You honestly might as well have written it on a post-it and thrown it into the sea.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Why did the bumble bee have sticky fur? Because he used a honey comb.
Why can't you trust a garbage man who loves his job? Because he's always talking trash.
A member of ISIS accidentally blew himself up... Well, Ji-had it coming.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
What is the Jolly Green Giant most afraid of? Avocado pickers
What is the most commonly used phrase at a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
after every snowstorm, animals must spend a few brief moments wonderimg if nature has claimed back the world and the humans have finaly gone
my abacus is super trustworthy i can always count on it
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead the dough.
There are three type of people in this world. People that can count, and people that can't.
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Did you ever see a country boy in New  York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers  "Taxi!"
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle..
Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
what do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby? chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
An Elderly Couple were Watching TV They died.
Women can fake orgasms... But men can fake love.
What is 6.9? A very good moment ruined by a period.
What did the Queen say when she lost her dog? "Where the fuck is my corgi?!"
Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree? BIRCH I MIGHT BE
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? you: R? One might think it's the R, but really, it's the C.
All the good ones are taken. All the funny ones are fat. All the smart ones are ugly. All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time
I just read someone's TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT'd a gazillion RT's on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Latvian Joke One Latvian comes to other Latvian. First say "is that potato? Will buy." Second Latvian say "No, is wife." Both men sad.
So a baby seal walks into a club....
What do you call batman when he runs out of church? Christian bale
My grandpa died in the holocaust... He fell off the guard tower.
[Offensive] Whats the difference between a Mexican and a Pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four. Im sorry if I've offended any pizzas.
What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader
What did the dog say to the tree? Bark
I'm no meteorologist, but I'm washing my car so there's a 97% chance of rain.
Hey ladies, you realize that you're not required to look at every mirror you come across, right?
What time is it after you've eaten a dozen eggs? 8:12
This tweet was going to be really funny but I didn't write it down because I was totally sure I'd remember it.
A horse walks into a bar He saddles up to the counter. The bartender asks "Would you like a drink?" The horse replies "Neigh." (I'm so sorry)
What's common between sex on a boat and Coors Light? They are both close to water.
What does a flame smell like? Burnt nose hair.
You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.
What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital? ... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.
Take pride in what you're into, if thats exponents, well... More power to ya!
Two cows were in a field. One cow says, "Mooooo." The other says, "Jerk. I was going to say that."
Whats the difference between a chicken and an alligator? I don't know.
Vanna White's birthday is today... Pretty soon she'll be getting to the age where she has trouble with her vowel movements.
If a cop beats a pregnant woman till the fetus dies, is it a miscarriage of justice?
An Ancient Roman walks into a bar.. Holds up two fingers and says "Five glasses of wine please".
Stephen Hawking masturbating  Now there's a stroke of genius
What did the busy port master say to the rowdy pirates who wanted to dock? "I don't have time for your ship."
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put "delicious" in their name. Like calm down. You're still just an apple. You ain't no prize.
Fresno. I want to live in Fresno, because it rhymes. Rhymes with what? Because I said so.
What's white and 12 inches long? Absolutely nothing.
Once again, I've forgotten what time class starts... When will I ever learn?
How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb? None, it is a hardware issue!
How did the hairdresser escape? John Frieda.
What does Edgar Allen Poe call his women? Edgar Allen's......bitches!!!
Why yes, I am watching a documentary about Marie Antoinette and enjoying it. Could it be because I'm straight fucking gangster? Perhaps.
A chemist walks into a bar... Chemist: Do you have any Sodium Hypobromite? Bartender: NaBrO
I'm throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn't invite any people.
You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
So what are you doing these days? * -Oh, i just sit in my house and complain about things.. * -So how is that working out for you? * -Well i can't complain * -Oh
What did the Mexican say when his house collapsed on him? Hey, get off me homes !
There are 3 kinds of people in this world Those who can count and those who can't.
What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I wish I was getting a divorce. Because it would mean someone once loved me enough to marry me.
What do you call a Grizzly Bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear!
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Want to know what I know about dwarves? Very little. Heard from a friend. It's awful, I know.
Why did the chicken cross the road? TO MAKE A VERY BIG POO POO!!!
Obi-wan: These aren't the droids Stormtrooper: They look like them Obi: So all droids look the same to you? Trooper: No, I- Obi: Racist
My family treats me like a god. They only talk to me when they want something.
TSA agents might have to arrest me if... They felt deez guns *flex*
No officer I didn't mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Welshman walk into a bar... but none of them are xenophobic, so they all have a wonderful time.
Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word  lettuce ! Pupil : Let us out of school early !
What did one chicken say to the other after they  walked through poison ivy ? "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours !"
Chuck Norris... Walks up the elevator.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!
Me: *explains idea* Boss: That's the dumbest idea ever Me:*clears throat* *repeats exact same idea in a British accent* Boss: Brilliant!
Why did the ebo(l)la patient yell? Someone spilled wine (bolla) on his ELECTRONIC. (E)phones.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Where's the feminist world headquarters? Bancock
My wife accused me of having uncontrollable OCD.' I put her in her place.
Xanax: For Hispanic attacks.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless those wrongs are 270 degree left-hand turns.
My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun I responded, "Because of those fucking decepticons!" I laughed. She laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.
What do you call four Mexicans that have drowned? Cuatro Cinco.
What does a ship weigh when she leaves for a journey? Anchor.
What's the difference between a toddler and a handgun? A handgun can't suck a dick.
Me and a North African girl spoke in her native language for hours... We just clicked
This sub is the best. It has salami, pepperoni, lettuce, black olives, green peppers, provolone cheese, and oil. 10/10
I had a chat with my ex-girlfriend last night. He's doing really well.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn "mayhem" into "ma'am" with one narrowed glance.
[1st date] Her: we should keep religion out of this *religion gets up & leaves the table* Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
So a midget psychic broke out of jail the other day... the headlines read "small medium at large"
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
At this point, I think the people on "The Walking Dead" are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours. And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris... But it turns out that idea was already taken
Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.
There was this group on Facebook called Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat'. So I became a fan.
I'm going to name my son After Me. So every time he asks to do something cool I say "ya After Me."
What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors.
My boss texted me... My boss texted me: "Send me one of your funny jokes" I replied: "I will send you one l8r, I'm working right now" He replied: "LMAO, send me another one!"
How do you stop the government from making a pipeline across your land? You Sioux them.
Easy way to earn karma points on /r/jokes? Options are: 1) Crack a witty comment 2) Link to /r/dadjokes 3) Submit a damn joke and the answer is.....drumroll...... just reply with a "whoosh", simple!
VLUT = A Virgin that act's like a SLUT
I was going to post this funny incest joke last night... But I was too busy nailing OP's mom
A good girl bends at the knees... A great girl bends at the hip.
how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?? pick it up and suck its dick
What is a stealth bombers favorite banana from Bananas in Pajamas? B2
Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers
What's a pirates favorite letter? You think its the R! But its actually the C!
The 4 year old thinks a cat's tail is it's underwear because it covers the butthole. I can't really argue with that logic.
John McAfee's doing paper work to become president... Time for America to become bloated and slow...
When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.
Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But then I think "What would I do without them?"
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last book you read.
What does 80 year old pussy taste like? Depends.
I was going to tell a joke about a vacuum But I realized it sucked.
I can't understand why people say my girlfriend's legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but they certainly don't match.
What's E.T. short for? He's only got small legs.
My family hates it when I swear, but I sound like a child using mild words.... ....damned if I do, darned if I don't
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed? Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!
What did the space between two tiles say? I AM GROUT
Rap is 75% Crap.
The best thing about a blowjob... ... is the 15 minutes of silence.
For Star Wars and Star Trek fans A stormtrooper and a red shirt are in a room. The stormtrooper shoots the red shirt, but misses every shot. The red shirt dies anyway.
Some Penguins Went to a Bar Waddle they do next?
How do mathematicians solve constipation? They just work it out with a pencil!
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
You know you're drunk when the cat barks.
What's the hardest thing about skateboarding? Telling your parents you're gay.
*gets home from game* "whoa what happened to your eye" I was on the Kiss Cam "oh she wasn't into it?" with the t-shirt cannon guy's daughter
Alice is travelling at a speed of light.. when a traffic police pulls along side and asks her name, she says she is alive.
Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm. His wife's standing there. He says "This is the pig I've been fucking".
COP: can anybody else describe the suspect? JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees COP: anybody
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff ba-dumm-tss
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean? I've never had a lima bean on my face.
I like my girls like I like my pepperoni pizza White, full of fat and red dots all over them... :-(
The more adjectives a coffee order requires, the bigger the asshole.
When I'm away from my girlfriend, I feel incomplete... ... But I love it when we're together again, because she makes me feel hole.
Sweden runs out of trash to recycle... ... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone when you buy flowers because they're also a snack for later.
I have sex daily. I mean dyslexia.
Kinda scared for 2017 Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more
What do you call a Mexican Standoff between two people? Juan vs. Juan
Black dads
What's a blonde's favorite color? A light shade of clear.
Dams. The only thing that holds back liquid better... Is the idea of using a port-a-potty. "Look, I know my pants are brownening and getting wet, but I'll just wait forever -- I CANNOT go in there."
Hippocrates did very well for himself, considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
What's the difference between Martin Luther King and Donald Trump? Martin Luther King had a dream and Donald Trump is a nightmare.
What do you call a cow that masturbates? Beef jerky.
What doesn't Princess Leia like toy guns? Because the Nerf hurt her.
"40 is the new 30!" My dad always used to say. Lovely man. Banned from driving.
Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn't believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores
The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room
My boyfriend thinks it's cute when I use the clap emoji but I've just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
How do you play Taliban bingo? B-52...F-16...B-1..
My brother told me we ran out of protein powder I didn't believe him, so I said No Whey
One-night stand at first, but ended up happening again... I mean, they're just so cheap at Ikea, so I had to go back to get another.
Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Computing Pirates What's a pirate's favorite computer language? Aye, you'd think it was R, but tis the C
2 blondes are on their way to Disneyland... they see a sign reading "Disneyland left". So they cried a bit and headed home.
Why does a honeymoon only last 7 days? Because 7 days makes a hole weak
Your cubicle must be full of ghost and owls Because all I hear over there is booo hooo
I could tell you that sodium hydroxide is a liquid out of solution. But then that would be a lye.
Jethro's logical logic Classic from Jethro, [Logical Logic](http://youtu.be/lMBVMyXaCng)
Some relationships today will end over a "Like" on Facebook.
"What's green and eats nuts?" "Syphilis!"
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A Penguin rolling down a hill What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him
How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian? Just spin him around in circles until he's disoriented
I've got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that's supposed to change my life.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion? Teargas
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit? Me: Sure. But I guarantee you'll win. I'm not that smart. Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Why are men sexier than women? Because you can't spell sexy without xy.
As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee
One night stand I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for the other side of the bed.
A drug addict died in his sleep... I guess he overdozed.
A Jew, A Christian, A Lawyer, A Doctor, A Blonde, and a Biker walk into a bar........ the bartender goes "what is this some kind of joke or something?!"
Did you hear the joke about the sewage back-up at the juice bar? No? Well, that's okay. It had a shitty punch line.
An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital. FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, I know you're asleep but I just wanted to let you know that I'm like 14 miles away from your house right now!" -Trains
Why is Captain Hook good at getting away with murder? He leaves no fingerprints
What's the difference between a feminist and a vagina? Nothing. They are both cunts!
HADES: Unleash the hell hound! CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it's a good time for us. HADES: Is it a-- CERBERUS: No.
What's the main problem with Wookie steaks? They're a little Chewie. (Edit: Wookiee***)
Why didn't the triangle go outside to get a tan? Cos the sine said so!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
What do women and Spotify ads have in common? They're both annoying and want your money.
" So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore" Me if I was on the Titanic.
If I'm a baker, you're the dough.. I knead you.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview* Nexft queffstun pleeazse "Umm. Your biggest weakness?" Panfccakes
Have you ever drank The Slager... It's when you you take eight shots of a Black Russian back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back.
It must be garbage truck mating season, judging from the sounds outside.
The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.
Why is leather armour the best for sneaking? Because it's literally made of hide. *Ba Dum Tsss
I'm glad I didn't go to primary school with Freud. I bet his "your mom" jokes made a few kids cry.
What has four legs and says "hoe de doe, hoe de doe"? Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.
What kind of computer can also sing? A Dell.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? A Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, feminists cant change anything
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
If you're burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, "I seriously love your place"
Whats the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean? I've never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
I know a place where you can meet tons of women. Weight watchers.
Geek humor: Thanks for the upgrade... You turned my floppy disk into a solid state.
Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That's how I troll.
In a perfect world, the phrase "axe body spray" would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they'll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.
A man is stranded on a deserted island. To attract rescuers he sends out a smoke signal. "Help! My blankets on fire!"
How To Avoid Dating You're too young for me. I'm too young for you. I don't date men my age. Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My housemate threw milk on me... how dairy.
Any recommendations for a new chiropractor? Dr. Reece Etmabak.
A pedophile, a rapist, and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
What did Ash say when Pikachu went missing? "Where did my Pokemon Go?"
Getting into a fight at a dog park about cleaning up after your dog. You can't just walk away from this shit.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don't have to share that
What happened when a frog joined the cricket team ? He bowled long hops !
So an Irishman walks out of a bar... Seriously, it happened.
Yo mamma is so stupid she thought the fast Fourier transform was a way to complete your bachelor's degree.
LOL "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.
Six and seven just had a child. Five says "You lucky devil, you."
A realistic Applebee's commercial would show a collection of recently divorced dads blankly staring at the bar's televisions.
How many redditors does it take to call-out a repost? WHO CARES YOU F*CKING LOSER I SAW SOMEONE MAKE THAT POST LAST WEEK.
What's the difference between a Jew and a bullet? The bullet gets out of the chamber.
What do you call a drunk muslim? Hammad. What do you call a VERY drunk Muslim? Mohammad.
What do you say to a video game developer who's not that hard? Ubisoft.
The American education system. That's it. That's the joke.
*turns on alarm* Alarm: I have a headache
A Joke walks into a bar And everyone laughs!
Sex jokes aren't funny, I mean cum on people.
Learn to solve your problems like a constipated mathematician... Just work it out with a pencil.
How to ruin a joke on Reddit? Misspell the paunch line.
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
TIFU by getting fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Why did the feminist get fired from Panera? Because she ate all the cookies and didn't know how to make a sandwich.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field!
What's the difference between my daughter and my wife? I need viagra to maintain erection with my wife.
It's funny how you think it's your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.
My ex and I would role play from time to time. She would dress up as a teacher and call my mother to tell her that I ate the Crayons again.
Why was the chemist not able to get very far in his study of acids? He was only willing to consider the most basic of solutions.
I take my coffee how I take my women... ground up and in the freezer.
Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Don't know they're just a bit shady.
Cats make the best boyfriends because they're soft, loyal, and won't claim they're straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!
I know I need to lose weight when.. I ask my boyfriend "do I look fat in these knickers ? " and he says " what knickers ?"
I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like "holy shit, I'm definitely not displaying any symptoms!"
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band... I'd stand at the back and ting
Startup idea: Toilet Paper App. Wipe your ass with your actual phone. Reusable.
Probably not a good sign when my favorite thing to do in the whole world is be unconscious for 8 hours
Does Adam Sandler know that he's allowed to turn down movie roles?
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? Because he was out standing in his field.
Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's dead.
She died doing what she loved! Telling me how to drive.
I know Greenwich has a mean time, But do they have a happy hour?
Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I've learned all that is possible for my brain to hold....
What food is given to ebola patients? Pizza because it can be slipped under the door.
A man is dying of cancer... But he tells everyone he's dying of aids His son asks him why. He replies "So no one will have sex with my wife when I'm gone"
I didn't feel like putting a lot of effort into a costume this year. I wore the bottom half of a donkey costume. I decided to half ass it this halloween
Why doesn't Ed got a girlfriend? Because Sheeran away.
I am a simple man with simple jokes. A tumblrite came up to me and told me I needed to respect her being a pansexual. I said "why do you want to fuck bread? You'll get a yeast infection."
This year I got my wife the Baking Bible for Christmas because last year I got her the Baking Quran, which really blew up in my face.
The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny.
My girlfriend says I treat her like an object. I don't know why it keeps saying that.
Me: What do you call sex in December? Wife: Don't say it. Me: ... W: ... Me: Wintercourse. W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after? The Weasley twins
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaaiiiins......
Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks. I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine.
70% of the Earth's surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I can't tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
What did the blonde medical student die from? An aneurysm.
AMA request! Someone who actually pays for Netflix. Instead of using their brothers ex girlfriends sisters moms password.
Chewbacca told everyone about my sex change operation. Damn wookieeleaks
I want to write in my resume how experienced I am in burning bridges... ...but I don't have anybody to use as a reference.
How can you spot a blind man in a nudist colony? C'mon, it's not hard...
So these lepers are playing ice hockey and he gets kicked off the team. Why? Because there was a face off on the ice.
[hours after first date] HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy. *i'm just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.
You know why it's called Black Friday? Because everything is 3/5ths the original price!
Who is the best drummer in the Beatles? It's between George, John and Paul... We all know it isn't Ringo
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I was discussing a trip to Chernobyl with my friend... He said not to go there or else Chernobyl fall off.
My wife and I adopted an abandoned newborn. She was affected by shaken baby syndrome... ...We're naming her Jostlelyne! I made that one up myself.
I thought Instagram was a cocaine delivery service.
Why did the squirrel swim on it's back? To keep it's nuts dry.
Here's a really old one I
What do 16 year old boys and drug companies have in common? They are both more worried about getting inside you than being effective once there!
The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply... "Benedict Cumberbatch."
Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.
Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks? Pupil: What does it spell then !
So, I was waiting in line for Pho, and my buddy called me asking where I was. For some reason, he was offended when I said "Pho Queue."
Why do cannibals love eating people with epilepsy? Because their favorite side dish is Seizure Salad.
Who knows about math and science and is always close by? An engi-near!
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I didn't wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed, now I'm worried about my vagina.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans. Credit to my younger brother on this one
A Roman walks into a bar... Holds up two fingers and asks for five drinks.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don't get married. If you are over 35, don't get married. If you are 35, don't get married.
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
How do you circumcise a guy from Florida? By punching the nearest ten year old boy in the back of the head.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bush ! Bush who ? Bush your money where your mouth is !
What bounces and makes little children cry? My donation check to Feed the Children!
I asked Ness (of Earthbound and Super Smash Bros. fame) what his favorite TV show was... His reply: PK Blinders!
Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won't say a word about your "wenital werpes" *winks*
Job hunting tip: Leave the facial piercings at home. Hard to get hired when you look like you fell down a flight of stairs with a tackle box
If watermelon exist why doesn't earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "
Both my ends are business ends.
What car does Jesus drive? A Chrysler
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Lion Tamer Barbie ...lion is included; Barbie's head is not
Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?" "No son. Of course not" "Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!"
My wife told me she accidentally swapped the KY Jelly and the window putty No wonder the windows kept falling out!
*Watching YouTube videos* Boss: What are you watching? Me: .... Boss: ... Me: Church? Boss: That's a dog on a unicycle. Me: Praise The Lord!
I have got the best business idea of 2013, I am going to start Facebook rehab centers throughout country.
Did you ever wonder what happen to the "Dude you're getting a dell" guy Apparently he works at target now trying to get people to buy Adele's cd.
Why did the nun always wear a slip? Sheer habit.
My printer has a drug problem And it just can't stop!
Not ordering French fries counts as exercise, right?
What did the homeless got for Christmas? Hypothermia.
I try to avoid buying into this "Americans are stupid" stereotype but, for fuck's sake......
What is Harper Lee's favorite alcoholic drink? A Tequila Mockingbird.
What do you call Vladimir Putin after an ultimate fighting championship? Vloody Putin
How many teens does it take to change a light bulb 1, they stand there and wait for the world to revolve around them
How do you flirt with a calligraphist? Say, "You have pretty I's!"
What do you call it when 2 cops let everyone know some dead cow meat is homosexual. Steakout
Which insurance company does Bernie Sanders use? Progressive.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
He: is this love or what? She: What.
Trump isn't wrong when he uses "alternative facts"... He's just alt-right.
I know a telegraph operator who was so bad he always had to send his messages again. He had a lot of remorse about that.
What do you call it when all the Chinese places in town start to close? Wonton endangerment.
Somebody said "hey wanna eat this apple" and I said "no thanks I ate a PC for lunch"
I run a support group for premature ejaculators every Friday at 6. But everybody comes early.
Someone peed here Someone peed here Someone peed here Someone peed here Someone peed here Someone peed here My dog when we go for a walk.
"MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL" "Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse" "Oh rad bring it in"
I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
"that's the power of German engineering" is a great slogan for your product if you're selling fear
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
A liberal, a conservative and a libertarian walk in to a bar. Bartender says, what'll ya have Mitt?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Scientists are cloning John Lennon.. What if it all goes wrong and they clone millions of John Lennons? Imagine all the people..
Lol "I'm not a pervert, I'm just a connoisseur of ass and titties." My response after a female co-worker called me a pervert for commenting on a customer's ass as she walked past us.
Why does wonder woman fly? Because she can't drive for sh*t.
Why aren't there any jokes about the Jonestown massacre? The punch line takes too long.
Mermaids and their boobs This one has always been a hit for me out in the field, in a goofy way. Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because their boobs are too big for B-shells!
"I used to be the Internet!" - The Library
Twentieth Century Fox should really consider updating their name.
What do you call a woman who sells sex for noodles? A Pasta-tute!
It's obvious that God doesn't hate gays; because if he did he would have made a plague or something to wipe them out.
[Crossword] 7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters COWORKER 21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters COWORKER
Invention of the knife "What is that?" I call it the 'knife'. "Wow, that's the best thing since bread!" Greg, I am about to blow your mind.
A man walks into a barn The horse says, "Why the wrong place?"
I have someone I want you meet - how is she? - she full - ehh... - of love - great! - to food - ...
Whats does Copy pasta taste like? The same
A friend told me I'm out of touch. I laughed so hard I almost peed my Hammer pants.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me [glides on] Not much I can do
I once dated a girl that collected magazines. We had to break up because she had too many issues.
My gym just sold me a lifetime gym membership for our unborn baby. I hope it works out.
What do Canadian banks and psych wards have in common? They both contain locked up loonies!
Anyone else get the feeling their being watched? NSA: They're.
Freud had it wrong, women don't have penis envy, men have boob envy. Explains the obesity epidemic and my need to breastfeed daily.
Sometimes having an extra chromosome... really gets me down
#rubbishjokes How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None - it's a hardware problem.
Trying to convince my wife that the white powder on my nose is cocaine to hide the fact I've eaten a large sugary donut
What's Wayne Static's relationship with drugs? [**I SEE IT!** ooooohh **I NEED IT!**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps0MfBG5-Uo#t=1m24s)
When someone tells me, "I think of you as family," I assume I'm about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
There once was a frenchman Yvon was his name, exploring the world he dreamed was his fame, but... He's fucking retarded.
When an ad says critics are "raving" over a movie, I picture them all in a dark warehouse twirling glowsticks & giving each other back rubs.
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says "what'll ya have" Seal replies "Anything but Canadian Club.
A bag of flour is bragging to his friend about his new girlfriend ...His friend asks "Does she have a sifter?"
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling "LET THE BEETS DROP!" And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
This year's election is a joke. I for one, find it Hillary-ous.
I'm reading a book about Zeno's Paradox. I'm not quite halfway through it.
Some mornings I just want to brew the coffee directly into my mouth.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
"I really regret not taking up bow hunting" I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.
Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down.
What does Michael Jackson have in common with a second place racehorse? They both came in a little behind.
Where do seagulls live? Shit, wrong subreddit.
What do you call Rowan Atkinson watching Monty Python? A jellybean.
Congratulations to Snooki who gave birth today to a baby boy... 5 NJ High School rings, 2 condoms, and 12 press on nails.
What did the lead researcher say when all of her colleagues were complaining about the experiment? "I don't care et al."
My girlfriend tells me her body is a temple Everyone's welcome, but you just have to take your shoes off before you enter.
Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Who has the largest pupils? A sumo instructor.
Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff... [www.instantrimshot.com](http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=rimshot)
So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69. I said 70. I know you were expecting a joke, but I want to pass my exams.
What is the sound of a homophobic magician? "POOF!"
I just found my old Nokia phone from 2003. It still has 87% battery life left.
What do you call an onion with no shoes?
How many Dragonball characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes him 20 episodes.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm pooping.
Nothing says you're in the Christmas spirit quite like searching 'Christmas' on Pornhub.
Sometimes I hang out in tea shops waiting for someone to say "Oolong" so I can shout "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"
I once had a llama.
I'll take "That's Not A Category" for $200, Alex. "That's not a category." Yes, that's right. "That's not a category." I chose that, yes.
"Flatulence is not an emotion." -me explaining feelings to boyfriend
My friend asked what would get black walnut stains off of his driveway I told him to call a cheap motel. If anyone would know how to remove nut stains it would be them.
What language do teapots speak? Teabrew.
I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys.
I don't understand why people say they don't believe in sex before marriage... It's obviously sex after marriage that doesn't exist.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!! THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don't say
The wind just blew a napkin off my table and down the street. That one's on you, Earth.
I try to teach my mom something new everyday Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors? Because they take everything, literally.
The difference between your boyfriend and Ronda Rousey is... Ronda actually gets paid to disappoint people for 48 seconds.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
If clinical depression was a sound, it would be two people trying to talk at the same time during a conference call.
I just taught the dance floor a fucking lesson.
I like my women like I like my coffee Scalding hot and drenched all over my penis in the McDonald's parking lot.
So I put a bucket of water over the door a few days ago, and my victim remarked that it wasn't very original. Eh, maybe I was the fool.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn't tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Looked at changing my name to Bieber so I could get RT'd. Realized I can't b/c I have a penis.
Two cows are talking in a field. Two cows are in a field. One says, I'm not scared of mad cow disease'. The other says, Oh really, why not?'. The first replies, Because I'm a helicopter'.
I have two problems in my life. My math sucks.
I don't understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Why are shopaholics in the UK generally very skinny? Because they are always losing pounds.
What did Charlie Bucket say when Willie Wonka peed on him?  I've got a golden tinkle in my eye... 
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there's the possibility of invisible bees.
What's the president's favorite vegetable? Barack-oli
How does a mathematician deal with constipation? He grabs a pencil and tries to work it out
Why do we sleep? Because we get sleepy.
On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.
"I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10" 1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
Hey hot single dads; I wanna call you daddy too.
Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.
Hitler didn't like oranges. He hated the juice.
Whaddya call a know-it-all from Europe? a Shure-opean
One of my friends told me how electricity is measured And I was like watt?
Rick Astley will let you borrow some of his Disney movies But he's never gonna give you Up
Call of Duty is the most environmentally friendly video game franchise. ... because each game is made from 90% recycled material.
Did you hear about the newly announced cure for Parkinson's Disease? It's in a bottle with instructions to "shake well"
Last 4th I remember watching the fireworks on the TV In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best place to light them
"Can you describe your self in two words?" - Lazy.
[2 monkeys in a bath] Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!! Monkey 2: If it's too hot Colin, put some cold water in
So Darth Vader had been plotting against the Emperor for many years By the time return of the Jedi came around, he finally got his chance to overthrow the Emperor.
My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar on innuendo... Now I have to fill her slot...
I'm madly in love with a girl who's a solipsist... ...but she doesn't even know I exist. :(
Not To Brag Or Anything... I live near where Notorious B.I.G. was born and raised. Just a short walk over and I'm in front of his house. Took a picture. No biggie.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot you fukin' racist.
What is Hitler's favorite type of food? Not Seafood
My friend posted on Facebook: "Spending the night in with my girl" I couldn't help but chuckle, My Girl is a shit film.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you're successful, you end up with a job.
I don't understand why people are in awe when I tell them my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most of the other German officers did too!
Police Chief: Why did you arrest that doctor? Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.
I hate jokes about jewish people because my grandpa died in auschwitz! he got drunk and fell off the watchtower....
Why was the policeman in bed? Because he was an undercover cop
What's the holiest, French color? Sacred blue!
My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car We glared at eachother and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.
I do not have bad attitude... I have a low tolerance for bullsh1t.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don't know what either of those things are.
Why do married men love golf so much? Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.
People think I'm kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
What's the fastest way to ruin free pie? Put the word 'gluten' at the beginning
An egg voted to leave the omelet.. and then.. it.. did.. yeah, sorry its just too scrambled. there's no way to get a good yolk out of this mess..
Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.
TIL That there was a German warship during WW2 that accidentally sunk 34 friendly submarines. Edit:Whoops, wrong sub.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? I'll see you next month
I only date girls that smoke weed I guess you can say I have high standards
Who is a battery manufacturer's favorite baseball player of all time? Al Kaline.
What do you call a dog that likes Mexican food? A Qdoberman!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't anybody satisfy a woman completely? Question: "why can't anybody satisfy a woman completely?" answer: "because nobody has a dick made of gold, decorated with diamonds and ejaculates cash"
What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.
I recently found out that marriage is actually a sport... 50% of the time the parents ruin it.
While Facebook was down I walked up to coworkers & just said 'unfriend' or 'like' & walked away then poked 17 people before I got arrested.
Why do gay men get so much hate? Because sometimes, they're fucking assholes.
My wife and I moved to a new house. It's the only place I've lived where I can tolerate the neighbours. It's next to a cemetery.
What do a clitoris,an anniversary and a toilet have in common??? Men usually miss all three.
What do you call a fascist fish? Gill Duce.
My mother died suddenly from natural causes. I strangled her with kelp.
What's the difference between Comcast and hell ... Hell has better customer service.
Man, I really wish I'd noticed that rubber ducky in the toilet BEFORE I pooped.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you're not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Yo Mamma is So Fat..... when she moons people, they turn into werewolves.....
So apparently... So apparently a new study shows that 98% of black people prefer to have sex in the shower. The other 2% have never been to prison.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decalfinated
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad? Me: Ice cream
What's the difference between a psychotic mental patient and a man with a bible in his hand? Respiridol
Who is a chemist's favorite Game of Thrones character? Stannous Baratheon.
What kind of liquid does a pig's printer use? oink
Why is it called Black Friday? Because the deals are such..A nigger
I spilled water on my computer. 0/10. 10/10 with rice.
What do you call a university full of fat girls studying neuroscience? A hippocampus.
You know what they say, "liquor before beer, you still have a problem but cute rhymes make it less clear."
Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don't panic. She's just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.
I tried to give myself a sex change... but I couldn't really pull it off.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it's not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Eating spinach is much like anal sex You won't enjoy it as much as an adult if you are forced to do it as a child.
Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes? A: No eye-deer.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it. Thank you TheAustr0naut
Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers... Wrong sub.
I'm in an Uber going 100mph the wrong way on the freeway and the driver's girlfriend keeps calling and screaming at him on speakerphone
What is worse than Spygate? Deflate-Gate
My wife is always like, "You answer the door, I don't even have my bra on!" and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Where do witches and wizards shop? Voldemart.
Why are ducks funny? Cause they be quacking jokes
Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.
My buddy asked me what it's like now that I'm circumcized I told him not much has changed, I just get a little less head.
How does the sexiest man in the world tell a joke? Like this.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Justin Timberlake was a devout christian during his N-Sync days. He was always reading his Bye Bye Bible.
I want to press charges on Santa If he knows when I'm sleeping, and he knows when I'm awake, that has to be considered stocking.
What DOESN'T Bruce want for Christmas from his ex? A Krismas goose.
I fear for the calendar... ...its days are numbered.
A man purchases a new dress for his wife... ...he goes home as fast as possible so he can give it to her before fashions change.
I hope to die the same way my grandfather died Asleep. Not screaming like everyone else in the car.
Where does a homosexual Southerner live? In dick-sea land
The silver-tongued lover can always make a woman blush... ... because they're a practiced, cunning linguist.
My friend asked why I have a folder named "dick pics" I told him because nobody will open it and find my porn.
What did the Moderate Moslem say before hitting a guy for criticizing his religion? It's alright, reddit'll say this had nothing to do Islam.
A lawyer, a tax-man and a murderer jump off a cliff in a race to the bottom. who wins? society
"WE WANT EQUAL RIGHTS! WE WANT EQUAL RIGHTS! ... HEY! YOU CAN'T HIT ME. I'M A GIRL!"
Doctor Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
I got a resume from a kid with the last name "Arriola". I'm bringing him in for an interview solely to make nipple jokes.
Why did the chicken cross the road? The person jogging had a Mc chicken in hand.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry's in the oven. I'm going to bed.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman EDIT: Grammar
If the free sample lady at the grocery store isn't handing out something I want I don't even acknowledge her as a human being.
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead  Sea? Pupil: Dead? I didn't even know he was sick!
What are two things you can't give a black person? (Semi racist) A black eye and a fat lip.
Im on a sea food diet if I seafood I eat it.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying "Cancer" on boxes replace it with the word "Acne".
Helping a gang of squirrels buy remote control cars against my better judgment.
Two canibals are having a meal . . . One looks at the other and says, "Man I hate my mother-in-law!" The second one shrugs and replies, "Then try some of the potatoes."
Who's the best person to invite over for Christmas? Charlie Sheen. Because you know it's GUARANTEED to be a white Christmas when he's around.
A man was on an escalator.. When all of a sudden it went very fast. He arrived at the top, turned around and said.. "well that escalated quickly".
I've got my girlfriend working on her gag reflex... ...I haven't got a big dick or anything, she just throws up when she sees me naked
"This soup was so good I wish I could just...NOMCRNCHNCH" *chewing glass* "There must be a better way!" -Inventing the bread bowl
Sometimes it's funny being LGBT because, in that case, OP is ALWAYS a faggot!
I hate when people leave their shit in the bathroom I don't know what's so good about the showers. The toilets are right next to them!
"OMGJK" -atheists
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler?? Michael Phelps managed to finish a race.
What do you call the space between a Mormon's butthole and balls? a Latter-day taint!
What body part never seems to win? The feet.
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."
Who does batman love the most Bae-ne
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing "kiss by a rose." REFUND!
What's dark, and usually involved in crime? A balaclava.
They planned the date when the Burj Khalifa would be finished in advance... They wanted to know when it'd be due by
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That's a heck of a place to put a call centre.
OMG IT'S GOING TO KILL US ALL!! ~ My dog every time I use a broom
whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? ...one is a little lighter
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I've been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Lottery- Gilbert Gottfried A man comes home to his wife and says "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery!" She says "What should I pack?" He says "I don't care just pack and get the fuck out!"
Why do Mexican families make tamales on Christmas Eve? So the kids have something to unwrap on Christmas morning.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom...so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.
What's the quickest way to kill 100 Mexicans? Blow up their car.
*works out for 75 mins *eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Why do people in Afghanistan air dry after they shower? Because of the towel ban
Used to be a twin I used to be a twin. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
knock knock whos there?
* Kindergarten* Hi kids! I'm the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard] [Boy Raises hand] We can't read. No one can read
What do you call two healthcare professionals hanging out? A paramedics.
Shot through the heart and you're to blame. You give archers who shoot apples off of people's heads a bad name.
Why do black people have white hands and feet? Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.
Which chemical compound are you most likely to find at a frat party? Hydrogen *Bro*mide.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist fuck
Voting is just like driving. To go forward, choose D. To go backwards, choose R.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you're going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Because they're two tired!
Countless marriages could be saved by requiring urinals in private residences.
What do internet pirates have on their legs? j.pegs
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
You can't run in a campground You can only ran because it's past tents.
What do you call a republican fashion director? Clothed minded
[punches shark on the nose[ shark: that wont stop me me: are u crying shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Alanis Morissette: It's like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife. Spoons R Us clerk: Ma'am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Two Native Indians in a canoe and two Dutchman in a restaurant... Who tips first?
My friend just got a pool table for Christmas so he gave me a call inviting me around for a pool tournament with the boys. I said thanks for the invite but I prefer to pool by myself.
"What are you doing here?" I just got fired from the circus "Oh my" Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat what would you have ? Someone else's coat.
I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.
What does a mermaid mathematicion wear? An Algae-bra.
What do you get when you go scuba diving with your iPhone 6 The bends.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn't work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made? A nut for a jar of tuna.
It's going to be a cold day today in Motown...... Three Degrees, Four Tops.
The TV's airing the same pressure cooker ad over and over again. It's Torr-turous.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybeeee...
If Jessica own 400 melons and Jimmy steal 50 of them, how many would be left? About tree fiddy.
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
Whats the difference between man united and a clown? ones a complete laughing stock and the other ones a clown.
Why did Hitler take suicide? Because of the lethal gas bill.
Michael Jackson was just so innocent and childlike... After a show he'd go home and just blow bubbles...
Give a man a baby, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Why cant Mexicans smoke joints? They aint ever got any papers
What sound does a Polish crow make? Krakow
Children are so unappreciative these days. I bought my daughter a rabbit. She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".
Invisible Russian army. -Do you see Bandera supporters in Crimea? - No. -Yet, they are there. - Do you see Russian army in Crimea? -Yes. -Yet, they are not there.
No Valentine On Valentines Day? Don't worry if you don't have a valentine on valentine's day.. Most people don't even have AIDS on World AIDS day..
I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery. None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea. Edit: So I come back to my joke and have no idea what happened...
Why did Hitler lose World War II? Because his Reich exceeded his grasp.
When I found out the murderer dismembered the victim, It really tore me into pieces.
A three legged dog walked into a saloon. Said.."I'm looking for the man that shot my Pa."
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I'll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Why couldn't the clown make balloon animals for the children? With inflation raising the cost he couldn't afford it.
My post is low effort It does not take much work to type this post.
Last week I ordered a vault and some speakers Today they arrived, safe and sound.
People in love use phrases like "takes my breath away" and "swept me off my feet". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder.
Why should you serve Eggs Benedict on shiny metal dishes? Because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
When you put the punchline in the title... How do you ruin a joke?
After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
If you could travel the world with only one person, who would that be? Dora. She has like everything in her backpack.
Are we sure that Oscar Pistorius was the only one involved in the murder of his girlfriend? Someone else may well have done the leg work.
What do you call a rapper will killer abs? 6Pac
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it's so hard to read I should really find a pen
Why did Chris Brown stop having long-term relationships? He wanted 2 hit singles
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Q: How do you keep a ghoul from biting his nails? A: Replace the nails with screws.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
[Asking someone out] Um...so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..
the iPhone 8 won't even come with headphones you'll have to imagine you're listening to music
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Before &amp; after marriage Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, O my darling! I love you... After Marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, don't come near me, Paray hatt tuu,
Pokemon go has made Reddit into a fangirl. But oh my gosh i must catch em all
Opinions are like assholes... I'd rather not hear yours.
McDonald's serves up 1 billion "abortions on toast" They've sold 1 billion of [these](http://i.imgur.com/d9CDgON.jpg)...the egg-mcmuffin
What kind of baseball do burgers play? Ketchup baseball!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
How are Harambe memes keeping up? Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down. Edit: Spelling
Did you guys hear about the movie called Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
What do you call a mexican who lost his car? carlos
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"
What vehicle does a baker drive? A Winnebagel
What's his name? A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's *her* name? A: Betty Will
Anybody can piss on the floor but it takes a great man to shit on the ceiling
Why did Waldo wear stripes? [I wouldn't know. Ask these guys.](http://imgur.com/yTGbPI0)
I held a door for an elderly Japanese man. He said "Sank you." Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that?
What's the difference between an erection and a Ferrari? [whisper] I don't have a Ferrari.
What is the difference between michael jackson and pimples? Pimples wait until you're thirteen before they come all over your face.
Girl, you don't even know how crazy I am about you.... I'm thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.
Seeing a guy in skinny jeans and wondering how his balls fit in there.
Was Jesus Gay? Maybe Jesus was Gay? All this time he was actually saying "Ah, men!"
What does an educated owl say? Whom.
Anyone who loses his arms shouldn't just throw them out. You never know when they'll come in handy.
Snatch, twat, fanny, cunt, pussy, box, split-arse, and of course vagina. Just a few of the names I have given to my cats.
So, being ironically stupid is funny... But being an Ironic Sociopathic Murderer is still being a murderer? I'll never get people sometimes.
My kids just introduced themselves as "Let's Go" and "We're Late"
The best joke about Kim Jong Un [removed]
Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs! Her: Thank you. M: They'd look great around my neck! H: Hey! M: Wish I'd brought my saw. H: WHAT?!? M: Nothing.
My friend, upon hearing that Chris Pratt will be in the new Jurassic World film... Are you looking forward to Jurassic Parks and Recreation?
Jehovah's witnesses are at my door. *Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, "Are you the keymaster?"*
Did you hear about the guy who pick pocketed a midget? How could he stoop so low?
If breaking a mirror is seven years of bad luck. What would have to break to give you 18? a condom
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.
Did you hear about that party at Thor's? No, I guess you wouldn't have; he kept it pretty Loki.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic? Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers. America needs a first lady.
Rocky Rooster walks into a bar and then the is swastika
What is Darth Vader's least favorite band? Faith No More
What is the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb
When I got my first pube, I left it under my pillow and waited for the pube fairy. And he came. All over my pillow.
Pro Tip: Don't EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don't "get" X-Men. Because. They. Will. Explain. It.
Olympic Results for Sailing are out: The British have taken the Gold medal. The French have taken the Silver medal. The Somalians have taken the boats.
What do the pizza delivery guy and the gynecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but can't eat it.
There's a name for people without beards Women
What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song? Crimea River...
What's a homophobic congressman's favorite place to swim? In da Nile
Like most people my age, I'm 23. .
A Jewish boy asks his father for $50... The dad replies "40 dollars!?! What do you need 30 dollars for?!"
If I ever kill someone I'm dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like "oh yeah this makes sense."
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face :O
99.9999999% of you will laugh after reading this joke. How soon after and whether or not it's in reaction to the joke is irrelevant.
Why does the corn hate the farmer? Because he picks his ears!
Hedgehogs... Why can't they just share the hedge? One of my favourite jokes to come out of the Edinburgh Comedy festival :-)
Have you seen www.lockeddoor.com? Yes but I found it very difficult to get into.
A customer's corn broke through her bag. I told her it was too husky. She stared at me blankly. Something must've been wrong with her ears.
I renewed my driver's license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.
Vaginas are like weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside
I heard someone got shocked by their Ford... that must stang.
What is another name for a Nissan Cube? A tool box.
As soon as he clicked on the title... ...he realized that someone was narrating him while he was browsing reddit. He chuckled and left an upvote, ready to read some more reposted jokes.
A hipster burnt his tongue Drinking coffee before it was cool.
How come lesbians can't be vegan? They all eat pussy.
I'm not sure faith can move mountains... But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers. EDIT: Thanks for the love. More people have upvoted this post than have died in the attacks.
Victoria Beckham got her twat shaved. He still looks ridiculous.
My goldfish died. The good news is I'm inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My private health insurance really needs to start covering retail therapy.
Two chemists went into a bar The first one said to the bartender, I want H2O, the second one said I want H2O too. The second one died
"Contact Us" Oh yeah, I'm gonna contact the shit out of you
Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space? Because nobody liked it on earth.
Want to hear a pizza joke? It's pretty cheesy.
How do you know when a white girl recently visited her friends grave? There's Starbucks next to the headstone.
Why was the marshmallow stuck to the tree? It was taped.
If you've watched even one episode of two and a half men... ...you're gonna need to go ahead and get yourself tested.
what do British people say when Satan is on his period? Bloody Hell!!!
Who is the biggest slut in America? Little Debbie, everybody eats her.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre....
A dyslexic stoner enters a competition. He comes out on pot.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways: 1. WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK? 2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Fat Chicks Are Like Scooters... They're Really Fun To Ride Until Your Friends Find Out
How is a Muslim at Ramadan like Sonic the Hedgehog? They both gotta go fast.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Ordered my grilled cheese with tomato. Go hard or go home.
How do you know which tree is the jew? It doesn't drop apples.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
What's the difference between a black man and Batman? Batman can walk into a store without Robin.
my ideal date: shoplifting sushi from Walgreens then holding hands for 3 hours
Probably too soon News is Robin Williams didn't commit suicide. Apparently, he was Ru-Fi-O'd.
Why did Hellen Kellar burn her ear? The phone rang and she answered the iron. Why did she burn her other ear? They called back.
I can kill a man with nothing but my bare gun
Mama Pig has a great new kitchen appliance that lets her prepare meals ahead. It's called a garbage compactor.
What do Lady Gaga and E. L. James have in common? They both wrote bad romance.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
what's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? the taste
Hey Girl, do you recycle? Because I'd love to crush that box and leave you by the curb tomorrow morning.
Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no  one else gets sun!
Stand up... Comedy
Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house Knock knock? Who's there? The chicken
Did you hear about the giant that threw up? It's all over town.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
What do you call a bear that likes men when it's happy and women when it's sad? A Bipolar Bear
"All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics." "Those are just stereo types."
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
you don't need to thank everyone on facebook for your birthday messages, they were not sincere.
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
I just held the door open for a Japanese guy and he said, "Sank you" So I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor just like that.
I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it... Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"
What do locking the keys in your car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common? both can be solved with a coat hanger
I could've been a boxer, like my father. He could've been one too Source: Simon Munnery
My eyes are puffy and watery. People at work are going to think I've been crying. That should squash the rumors that I'm a heartless bitch.
I dreamt that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda... But I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.
My damn neighbours bang on the walls at all hours of the night It's so bad sometimes that i can hardly hear myself practising the drums
Autotune is the new 80s saxophone.
There once was a man from the Cape. Who had balls like a hairy great ape. Then he met a nice girl. She gave him a whirl. And now he's got two little grapes.
A Mexican Magician During his performance, he says: "On the count of three, I will disappear! " So he starts counting... UNO... DOS.... and then suddenly he disappears without a tres.
I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is is on the front page! ^so ^upvotes. much karma. ^^^wow.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
My daughter is now at the age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. This morning she asked, "Was that the best you could do?"
Why did Obama take all the pencils and pens when he left? Cuz he knew Trump would bring his own Pence
Rules for meeting a puppy: 1 be cool 2 pet it 3 do not steal it 4 stop running from the owner 5 put it down 6 this isn't worth jail time
What's the most unsatisfying prank?
When the human cannonball submitted his two week notice the ringmaster had trouble finding another man of his caliber.
Children Are Hereditary Children are hereditary... if your parents were not able to have any children, chances are you won't be able to either.
When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid... *lowers shades* ...Dutch Coven.
Her: Hi, I'm Jane Me: I'm Christopher, but everyone calls me Dick for short. Her: How do you get Dick from Christopher? Me: You Ask nicely.
What's 9 and a half inches long and satisfies all c*nts? An iPad.
Why are the "sans" family of fonts so serious? No one wants to be comic sans.
I'm bored. If I were a man I would be scratching my balls right now.
I come from a small town. I come from a town where the population never changes. Everytime a kid is born, some guy leaves town. Old Rodney Dangerfield...
What do you call a girl with two dicks right by her face? Cockeyed. Thought of this one in LA traffic! Hope I made it up...
My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.
My girlfriend said "I've got an itch between my toes". So I asked "Which toes?". She answers "My big toes".
What's the difference between the stock market and women? With the stock market you can only lose when you pull out.
What should you do if you're cold? Stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees.
Two blondes and a stripper walk into a bar. The second blonde should have seen it coming. The stripper usually does.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say "hello" from the other side. ::mic drop::::
There are other people smarter than me and better looking and more talented and richer but what I have that they don't is bitter jealousy.
My Grandfather told me "Your generation relies too much on technology." Me: "No your generation relies too much on technology." I then pulled out his life support.
What do you do for a pig with sore muscles? Rub him with oinkment.
Does anyone else find it ironic that Stalin was also Russian?
Why was jesus bad at COD He respawns after 2 days
Unless you've been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it's like to be a lion tamer.
A three legged dog walked into a bar and said "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South? Nothin. You're gonna lose a trailer either way. -Robin Williams
A redditor posts a joke about a double entendre looking for upvotes. He never gets any.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
What do you call a Slavic spouse? Czech-mate
Two fish in a tank Fish 1:Uh, Greg? Fish 2:What Fish 1:How do we drive this thing
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet] *hands cash to lady Ma'am my baby isn't for sale. I SAID I'LL TAKE TWO!!
how to fall down a long set of stairs: step 1) step 1 step 2) step 3 step 3) step 7 step 4) step 10 step 5) step 15 step 6) step 26
That awkward moment the drug dealer charges you extra for the briefcase.
Why was the black person sad? Police Brutality
Why do Mexicans always walk around like the own the place? Their dad built it, and their mom cleans it
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz dis boy wants ya downvotes and dat jazz
Sorry for loudly singing "Whoomp there it is!" when you took your pants off. It's been a while.
Girl, you're like my iPhone... I just wanna tap you the night away, without any regards of time.
Why did the nun swear when she got her new outfit? It was a bad habit.
Jesus reading the list of sins OH MY GOD WHO DID THAT? OH MY GOD WHO DID THIS? ...Dying.
I'm sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don't smell good anymore.
To the man in the wheelchair at Walmart. You may have stole my camouflage jacket. But just remember, you can hide but you cannot run!
DR DOG: The test results came back. PATIENT: Oh God DR DOG: The tumor is-- *sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I went to a zoo and there was only one animal... It was a 'Shih Tzu'
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic toy horses up his anus His condition was stable.
This morning I made the strongest coffee ever. It's so black a cop kicked in my door and shot it.
What do you get when you mix a dog and a tulip? A collieflower
Why did the feminist sign up for football? She wanted to be the center of attention.
Why did brass and steel team-up together during the war? Because they were alloys.
I tried to explain what integers are It was pointless
How are socks like Boy Scouts? They always come pre-paired.
Why is Russian the most dangerous language to learn? Because it's Russki.
What did the oyster say to the fish who stole it's shell? "Stop being shellfish!" *drops microphone, walks away*
During the '72 World Series, who took the most balls to the face? Liberace
What did the number zero say to the number eight? Nice Belt
Who's the world most famous blacksmith? Will Smith
What martial art do cows practice? Moo-thai.
How did Mark Zuckerberg meet Miley Cyrus? Social net twerking
i wear glasses n walk around eating apples n everyone is like "wow. he prolly subscribes 2 the economist" but joke's on them i can't read
I went to the noodle shop yesterday... and ordered a bowl of noodles. The waitress brought it out, but tripped and spilled the noodles and hot broth all over my right arm. It felt pretty raw, man.
Hate it when you open the fridge and can't find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.
What's a woman's best curve? Her smile.
Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer. Namaste.
Son asked me what a cowlick is To which I replied, thats what you call giving oral to Adele.
What's the difference between a midget and a dwarf? Little.
Rick Astley's releasing a new song lamenting the 'Brexit' result... It's titled: Never Gonna Give EU Up
Today is the only day out of the year I wouldn't mind if people asked me the date just so I can respond with "10/4 buddy"
[posing nude] ME: make sure to capture all of my body's contours DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Lesbian dinasour What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?  Lickalotapuss
My superpower is to cross the road safely and get hit by a parked car.
Which war had the most overweight soldiers? VietNOMNOMNOM
I like my women like a like my coffee I dont like coffee
A Priest And A Rabbi Are Sitting On A Park Bench Watching Kids Play... Priest - "Hey rabbi, want to help me screw these kids?" Rabbi-"Screw them out of what?"
Why are vaginas vertical and not horizontally aligned with the body ? They would smack while walking.
Superman: I got this Batman: I'll help S: Look, you just slow me down B: I'm a detective S: ... B: I have batarangs S: Do you hear yourself?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I taught my parents something today... They learned from their mistake.
What's the best part of having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and imaging you are poking through Old guy at work told me that hahaha
My girlfriend kept putting off sex until tomorrow... ...but tomorrow never cums
What do vegan zombies say? GRAAAAAAINS!
So I got myself a Cuban girlfriend... She is my Guantanamo bae.
Don't worry, husbands. If something should happen to you, your wife already has the next one lined up.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer
So an Irishman walks past a bar...
Waiter there is a frog in my soup ! Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !
My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie. Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea
[Justice League HQ] Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO password and doesn't give the new one to The Flash*
Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein invented the safety match. Igor: Yes that was one of his most striking achievements.
Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I'm good..
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Where does an 800 pound gorilla sleep? With the fishes.
What do you call five black guys having sex? A threesome 3/5ths compromise
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
What does a owl say when it stumps it foot? OOOOOWWWWLLLL....
(Me playing guitar) 3: Daddy what's this song called? Me: Going Nowhere. 3: I know that but what's this song called? Burned by a 3yo.
If I had a dollar... If i had a dollar for every racist comment i've ever made, a black guy would probably mug me.
1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping. 2. Put them in coworker's drawer. 3. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"
Why can black people jump so high Because their knee grows.
"Stop pestering me. I'm trying to do my job." -Major Tom to ground control
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"
What do you call someone who gets stoned and baked? A witch.
Cam Newton has been fitted with a GoPro strapped to his leg for the Super Bowl, sponsored by a canned meat company. It's called the Spam Cam Newton Gam Cam
Mum Mum Dad's broken my computer! How did he do that? I dropped it on his head.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.
If an airplane from West Africa was flying during the Northern Lights, and there was a sick passenger onboard... ...would it be Aurora Ebola-alis?
What do you call it when two robots have sex? Automating.
What's the worst smell in the world? An anchovie's cunt.
What does a Pirate prefer to wear? Doublet or nothing.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me Me: Really? Looks to me you should've been eating a hell of a lot more
I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.
When I was a single man, I had an incredible amount of spare time. Since I started listening to full albums I'm always stuck in my room.
What do you get when you hire an owl to babysit your kids? A real hootenanny!
Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day? Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.
Old Chinese proverb: Man who not shower in 7 days makes one reek.
What do married people do for fun? Get divorced.
TIFU by crashing my airplane I had forgotten to turn off my cell phone :(
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn't contain?
What's the thing u don't tell a vampire? Bite me.
How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.
2 men knock on an Essex girls door. "Hello love how would you like double glazing?",they ask. "Oh go on then", she replies falling to her knees, "just not in my eyes"
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
You're having a big wedding? Cool. I'm having a Big Mac
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas... ...it's not her main present - just a stocking filler!
Who is the most hated actor in Saudi Arabia? Shia Labeouf
Doctor Doctor Have you got something  for a bad headache? Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
An extremely close friend just confided in me that he likes comic sans. He is no longer my close friend.
What kind of game are Americans worst at? Tower defense.
An app.. An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you. -Twitters new slogan
What is black and has two broken arms? Muammar Gaddafi's sunglasses
Why is Hillary running for President? Because it's easier than running from the law.
If ever you feel unlucky you are. the world is 4.6 billion years old and you somehow managed to exist at the same time as Donald Trump.
Having a "20 items or less" express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...bought for far less money than it would have cost to buy it locally.
Did you hear about those chicken proof yards? They're impeckable.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner? Me: Surprise me. Wife: I used to be a man. Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Every time the sun goes down, I get attacked by a horse. What a night mare.
I saw two priests eating dinner the other day... ... didn't know if I should send them a bottle of wine or an altar boy.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Isn't it so weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear? Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off
What does toilet paper and office paper have in common? You can write on both of them with a No. 2
The blonde couldn't add Question: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? Answer: She couldn't find the 10 key.
Making millions of dollars is like breeding rabbits. It's much easier when you start with two.
How many homeless guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2, but I have no idea how you're gonna fit both of them inside a lightbulb.
Two termites go on a date.. Waiter: what would you like to order sir? Termite: Table for two.
I got this "breathe" tattoo because I don't have a central nervous system and it's a helpful reminder.
What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting? "Anne hath a way."
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and other to drink until the room spins.
Before you assume that ghetto thugs are brainless, think about this: "Yo, when you gonna let me tap that ass?" is in iambic pentameter.
Says the emo-candle ... Says the emo-candle to the other emo-candle: Wanna go out with me?
What do turtles and pedophiles have in common? They both get there before the hare/hair.
What do you call a gay guy in a coma? A tomato
What do you call a couple of Irish guys hiking in the woods? Trail micks.
Did you hear Lorraina Babbitt died in LA? She was on the highway and some dick cut her off.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Good news for insomniacs Only 3 more sleeps till Christmas!!
What do you call two obese lesbians who are about to turn in for the night? Bedward ScissorHams
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
if you don't have hair, will your head skin turn gray when you get old
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
me: annie are you ok so annie are you ok are you ok annie (X5) girl [wearing name tag that says annie]: sir will it be paper or plastic
Not that I hate you.. But I'll unplug your life support to charge my phone
What do you call a fat mexican jedi? Obese Juan Kenobi
Why did Kirk and Spock march into the woman's restroom? They were boldly going where no man has gone before
Chuck Norris counted to infinity Twice!
When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?" Then I frown & order the soup.
The next President of the United States of America, Donald Trump.
Life is like a dick pic... Sometimes you get things you don't ask for.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor's trash* I won't say anything if you don't. *continues rummaging*
Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.
What does primate meat taste like? Oh, it has sort of an orangutang to it.
My gf went to the beauty parlor and got a Brazilian. Nothing extreme, just punched her.
My girl broke up with me, thinks I am childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and ran away..HA!
Do you know there is a serial number printed on every condom? I guess you haven't rolled it down far enough.
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is dog.
It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.
why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the ooooootheeeeer siiiiiiiiiiiidddeeee!!!
How do secret agents complement a disguise? "Hey James, that disguise is incogNEATo!"
How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark...
Edited from my mistake earlier today: what do paedophiles and napalm have in common? They can both strip a Vietnamese orphan in under 30 seconds.
I typed "married" but it was auto-corrected to "martyred". Damn,smartphone has gained intelligence.
The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.
I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.
I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.
I'm just not convinced that banning the sale of sentient death robots decreases deaths. The research just isn't there.
How do the greek separate the men from the boys? With a crow bar.
I have a talking pig stuck to my fridge. It's a Babe magnet.
What do cat actors say on stage ? Tabby or not tabby !
Why Can't you fool an aborted baby Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Where did Josef Stalin watch pornography? On Redtube.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
I was in bed with my two girlfriends this morning.. How do you start a rave in Africa? Pencil. Am i doing this right? ( sorry for bad English I'm from Wales)
What is a feminist's least favourite Maths topic? Trigger-nometry.
What happened before the Big Bang? The Big Foreplay.
Some guy yesterday wanted to get all up in my grill... ... So I hit him with my truck.
What sound does a debugging Web Developer make? Open, Close!.................. Open, Close!.................. Open, Close!.................. *only true Web Developers will understand* *original joke*
If you saw a heat wave.... Would you wave back?
Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
"Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre-- never mind" - Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
How are a frying pan and a beautiful woman similar? You have to get them both hot before you put the meat in.
Did you hear about the new viagra eye drops? They just make you look hard.
What do Nazis do on a beach vacation? They ride on Adolf-in no? I'll see myself out.
What do you use to buy drinks? Bar tender
Do you want some help using the Internet son? No thanks Dad I can muck it up all by myself.
Why did Ayn Rand lose the pool tournament? She wouldn't play on a regulation size table
Got told this at work today all the guys thought it was funny and so thought iI'dput it to the vote? What's the best part about having a hooker die on you? The second hour is free.
*sticks hand into jean pocket* Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket? *checks other pocket and finds nuggets* Oh, ok.
A nun was kidnapped No offence but she was asking for it. Nun taken.
"These mushrooms aren't poisonous!" - Somebody's last words
What's an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, except it's Down Under.
My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
If your donkey ate my chicken's feet... You'd have two feet of my cock in your ass.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field. From: http://www.dadlaughs.com
What does Taylor Swift say when going down a slide? Weeeeeeeeeee, are never never never, getting back together.
What should you take for stomach pain? A shit
are you a cat because i'm feline a connection between us
How does the beer brewer get around with a broken ankle? He hops.
What did the mermaid wear for good luck on her math test? Her *algaebra*.
[Vegan Conference] Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves Vegan: I'm a vegan Vegan2: I'm also a vegan
What do you call a pony mixed with a robot? RoboClop....so sorry
"I could probz bench press, like, five of you"-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
What do you call an artist with a brown finger? A Pickassho
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered "What makes you think this is steak?" While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
What do you call two gay Scotsmen? Ben Dover and Phil Mcrakkin
Jenny McCarthy was wearing a jacket and gloves in Time Square on New Years Eve. I didn't know she believes in the theory of weather.
I think, therefore I'm single.
What do you get if 2 black men sleep in a sleeping bag? A twix bar
Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit. Bilbo is 7' 6" now.
My friend got into the final of the Suit Olympics. He's worried he's gonna tie, but I told him not to worry if he wins or not.
What did "Nock" say to "K"? You can join us, as long as you stay quiet.
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ? The bombshell !
impress your children by showing them a floppy disk and telling them it's a 3D model of a save icon.
I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor I couldn't handle the pressure.
2 snails There were 2 snails on the back of a turtle. One of the snails turned to the other and said "hold on."
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side
Overheard at the coffee shop: 'i think that guy is listening to our conversation'
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat... cat: LOL THAT'S SO YOU!
What's the most sensitive part on a female dinosaur? Her clitosaurus...
What do you call a joke with the wrong punchline? To get to the other side!
Van Gogh was the original selfie king.
What's the difficult part about having a dingo for a pet? It takes 10 months to give it a good meal
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don't get it, eyebrow ladies, I don't get it.
What's better than tennis? Elevenis
My signature move is texting "There in 5" while I'm 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They're making head lines...
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter maybe i'll kill the shampoo girl
I wonder if meat-packing plants charge for services rendered.
ELI5: what is it like being 6? I'm only 5 and I'm about to turn 6.
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
What said a person who got run over by a car? "I'm tired".
What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests? A cramberry.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? Yeah, he pasta way
How many girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know...
Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.
Hitler was a keen golfer..... He even wrote a book on it, it was titled 'How to get out of a bunker with one shot.'
How I like my women I like my women like I like my scotch. Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.
Why can't Pakistanis play soccer? Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store
A sales assistant advised me on the liquor to buy for the holiday season recently She was my spirit guide.
God gave me a choice when I was born: a good memory or a big dick. I don't remember which one I chose.
Joke about the word joke There has to be one, there's a joke about everything, but I just can't find it, do any of you know a good joke or pun about the word joke?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
What do you call a female comedian? not funny
Why did the shark cross the ocean? To get to the other tide!
A Jew walks by a penny
You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.
How can you tell if you're on a Starcraft diet? Not enough minerals.
To all the women who only date assholes, nice guys are better in bed. They always finish last.
There are three kinds of people in the world... ...those who count and those who can't.
What would happen if tarantulas were as big as  horses ? If one bit you you could ride it to hospital !
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation.... Google Earth says everything is just fine.
A news reporter was interviewing a man... who was a witness to a public masturbation incident. When asked why he did nothing to stop the perpetrator the man replied, "Well, he had it coming."
I went to a placenta party the other day... the cervix was terrible.
I thought that whale movie was super offensive.... ...because of all those actors in Blackfish.
UVA did something King James couldn't do.... Brought a championship to the Cavaliers!
Silkworms Two silkworms had a race It ended in a tie.
I'm no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
What's the difference between a pest and vermin? Walt Disney.
Holy crap! I forgot to have coffee today! What else did I forget? WHERE IS MY BABY?!? Wait, do I have one of those? DO I HAVE A BABY?!?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.
Only smart, good-looking people will "like" this status.
So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
How do you know someone's an engineer? No worries they will tell you
Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack!
Who invented triathlon? black people, they go to the pool by walking, then they swim at the pool and come back with a bike
What did Hillary say when she lost? Putin end to my life.
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lighbulb has to want to change.
What's the meaning of life? Why don't you google it?
Did you hear the joke about the blind prostitute? ...You really gotta hand it to her.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? 100 to Drink... 10 to Beat... or 0 to Eat.
A little boy walks into a bar... he is treated for minor concussions... it's funny cause he's a minor, laugh
Little Johnny (x-post /r/AntiJokes) The Mailman saw Little Johnny on the side of the street with an old coffee can. Mailman: What have you got in that can there? Johnny: dogshit Mailman: what the fuck
What comes after Z? A question mark.
What does a dancing piece of land in the middle of nowhere? Plot twisting!
I started to work at a seafood buffet... ...but then I pulled a mussel.
Kim and Kanye's baby will probably be delivered by C-Section to avoid getting Chlamydia on the way out...
[out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]
What do you call a t-shirt with stalks of wheat on it? A crop top!
A Russian wife goes to police station. Russian Wife: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes. He has not returned home yet. Russian Inspector: Why don't you cook something else?
One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody. At least, that's what my cell mate tells me.
I'm having a hard time deciding which pillow I should buy. I'm going to sleep on it.
If my neighbors are gonna get angry every time I see them... why did I even buy the binoculars?
If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... I can't put it down.
How do Italian Chefs swap recipes? By Spaghett-e-mail!
If I had a dollar for every time someone complimented my hair I'd be making money in a really weird way
What do a silver medalist and a child molester have in common? They both came in a little behind
Something on Valentines Day I just don't get... Laid.
We were so much better at drinking and driving in the 80aTMs. You kids today really fucked it up.
Thank you, iPhone predictive text, for sending my mother a message that said "WOOOOFUCKYEAH!" There's no joke here except I'm 30 & grounded.
Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic? A: A PearlJam 
What's green and smells like pig shit? Kermit's finger.
I just had hip replacement surgery It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.
Throwing glass is wrong in some peoples eyes.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people) "I think you mean "WHOM should we eat first"
Was playing the piano and the cover fell on my hands Have not been feeling myself since.
My girlfriend likes to get f**ked in the ear Every time I try to stick my dick in her mouth she turns her head!
Me: I LOVE Pokemon Go! Him: Are you just collecting caterpillars and putting them in your purse?! Me:
What do you call a ghost in spring? April ghouls
Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn't even begin to cover what's wrong with me.
A man walked into a bar. Ouch!
What's a Buccaneer? They're on the side of your buccin head.
Doctors say 1 in 6 men suffer from premature ejaculation. I say it's the women who suffer.
(Outside at dusk) Wife: Lovely evening. Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Why was the man sued by his horse? For palomino-money!
What is a Muslims favorite type of vinegar? BalIslamic
Why are there no suicide books on librarys? because those who take them never bring them back.
What do you do if you're lost in an Icelandic forest? Stand up!
Donald trump runs for president
why did the plant cross the road? it can't, its a plant. DUH
Hey girl, what is your sine? It must be pi/2 because you are the one.
Earlier today I had a Titanic thought. It was *unthinkable*.
I'd like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
"Please stand for the Paralympic anthem."
Jared Fogle "the subway guy" was upset to be sentenced to 15 and 1/2 years in Prison today... Funny because 15 1/2 years used to sound pretty good to him.
ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
What's the difference between KFC and China? At KFC, you can only get breasts, legs, and thighs.
How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black? You can't take a rib from a black man
What do you call a prostitute working for Disney? High Ho, High Ho
in GTA5 my dude was driving fast and I got a text IRL. when I looked down at my phone I crashed & flew out the windshield. #ItCanWait
There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."
My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick.... Especially since his name is Steve
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gags*
Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?
What did Alex Trebek say when he was about to lose his job? "My career is in Jeopardy!"
I heard this pitiful joke when I was a teen. Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Just once I'd like to make it through a game of mini golf without having to smash someone's windshield out with the putter
5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They're so cool! Me: Whats so cool about turtles? 5yo: They can breath thru their butts! Me: Grab your coat..
I'm well pissed off with my neighbour today. Yesterday he kept playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over at full blast. I wouldn't mind normally, but it was all night long.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What is a duck's favorite drug? Quack. Girlfriend came up with it. It was so bad it was good.
What do they call pita bread in Mexico? Pita pan
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I heard today that Stevie Wonder was getting a divorce, so sad he didn't even see it coming.
I'm not all that interested in Astronomy but, I really dig Uranus.
I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea... ...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.
What did the scat fetishist say to his wife before divorcing her? I've had enough of your shit.
On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump-kin
I almost had to fight someone today after they hit me with a stick, but he walked away like he didn't even see me.
How do you know if someone's a vegan? When you ask them "Are you a vegan?" and they say "Yes".
What do toy trains and boobs have in common? They were both designed for the kids but it's the dad that ends up playing with them.
If you're a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven't been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney...then why the hell are you Mormon?
A common pick-up line at the gay bar.. "Can I push in your stool?"
Are you a chicken farmer cause' you know how to raise a cock.
There are three kinds of people in this world People who know math and people who don't.
Mitt Romney: "I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman..."
*buys Sushi for Dummies* *preheats oven* *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies* *turns off oven*
If I don't mention you, then the tweet/status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bitch up and wear it.
Damn girl are you a slide in the ghetto? Because I seriously regret going down on you.
No matter how far you push the envelope... It's still stationery. Fixed it.
Did you hear Rolf Harris is dyslexic? rofl
Where does a psychologist keep his boat? on a Freudian Slip
I'm not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say "let it go" too often and then I can't stop singing it, an autobiography.
Bunnyprofessor
I love dating umpires. I always feel safe.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan. Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Jack Daniels just came in my mouth.
Their are two sides to a political argument. Right wing and wrong wing.
My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Knock knock "Who's there" Knock knock "Who's there" The deaf man walked away having completely ruined the joke.
What do you call a well-behaved Indian takeaway? A proppadom
Question of the day: when was the last time that you saw a music video that was relevant to the actual song?
What is every Amish woman's dream? Two Mennonite.
I am fluent in Italian and Spanish, but I'm much better at Italian I guess you could say that Italian is my forte
When life gives you lemons, make a dress with them. -Lady Gaga
Several fonts walk into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type here."
What's the British equivalent to hit it and quit it. Bang her and dash.
Monday is one of my favourite days of the week--my 7th favourite.
4th of July is the one day if the year I willingly sit outside all day.
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two.
A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars. "Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"
Why did the snail drink beer? To come out of its shell!
"When I call your name say 'omnipresent.'" - teacher to class full of Gods
Childless people wondering what it's like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
What do gay guys call hemroids? Speed bumbs.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on "too many kids" & "making it look accidental." Found my iPad but haven't seen her all day.
What is the difference between a duck? Only one of them is syntactically incorrect.
What do you call Al-Qaeda's April Fools prank? A jihahahad!
What music service do potatoes like to use? Spudify.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg...? ...which ever one was more excited.
Have you heard about these new super-sensitive condoms? After the man leaves, they hang around and talk to the woman.
My family used to be in the steal and iron business My dad would steal and my mom would iron.
#ReplaceBandNamesWithChicken Chicken (Weezer), Chicken (Rush), Chicken (Journey), Chicken (Kansas), Chicken (Radiohead), Chicken (Hole), Chi
What spice is the most welcoming? Cumin
Popcorn What did baby corn asked mummy corn? Where's popcorn.
Time for a , "How many ___ does it take to screw in lightbulb?", thread! Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
If scientists weren't so busy advancing yogurt technology, we'd have flying cars by now.
Why don't computers have any brothers? They are all trans-sisters.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises? Me: Rough sex Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle...
Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
Saying, "I'm sorry," is the same as saying, "I apologize." Except at a funeral. - Demetri Martin
"My Friend has got a theory." "She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his earlobes for hours on end." "I think it's bollocks" -Jimmy Carr
I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology... ... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.
People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays... But everyone I know has a Mac
What kind of batteries does a Harvard undergrad use? AAA
If Twitter was a country, its flag would just have a bunch of poop and bacon and beer on it.
My girlfriend left me today because I have developed a pasta touching fetish. I've been feeling Canneloni ever since. :'(
What does Bruce Lee like to eat before a fight to the death? QUINOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Dad, are ghosts real? Dad: No son, of course not Son: The nanny said they are Dad: Okay, pack your stuff... We don't have a nanny
No, YOUR stupid.
Don't believe in climate change, rap fans? Tell that to Vanilla Slush, Water Cube, and LL Warm J.
James is coming over. "James from work or James who thinks he's a leprechaun?" J: TOP O' THE MORNIN' TO YA! "I'll hide the Lucky Charms."
Self-defecating humor..... ...are just shitty jokes about yourself.
[Meeting] *Gestures to pie chart* "Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds."
What insect can be spelled with just one letter? Bee.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a 6-offender.
Why was the Adobe Acrobat document arrested? It was a PDF file.
5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up! Me: What? What's wrong? 5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7.. Me: It's 4am! 5yo: I can't tell time..
My mate Sid was a victim of I.D theft. He's just called S now.
A Roman gladiator walks into a bar... ...and holds up two fingers. "Give me five beers, please."
How does Bob Marley like his donuts? Preferably not dead from cancer.
Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? ...her capital has been Dublin for years
why did the lawyer of a satanist go to hell because he was playing devils advocate
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank the coffee before it was cool.
My wine drinking is merely functional... My personality is better with a little marinade.
How many people live in South America? A Brazilian.
She let me ram that ass shit was so cache
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.
What was the score of the lobster soccer game? Zero to zero. Lobsters can't kick soccer balls.
You know you're getting old when people say you look young..:)
Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight. The pointer keeps gliding back and forth between the H and the A. It's been over an hour.
Why did the gymnast's account get sent to collections? She had an outstanding balance.
Did you hear about the mathematician who got out of jail? He's trying to integrate back into society, but you can still kinda differentiate him from others.
There's nothing sadder than a bald eagle with a combover
At a bathroom line. ''Can I go before you? I really need to number two'' ''No, I was here before you and I need to go as well''. ''I swear I need to go more than you''. ''You're so full of shit''.
what did one typewriter say to the other? I must be pregnant ... I missed a period ...
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair Virgin mobile
"Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP
lol i'm kind of a total geek weirdo, im really into starwars, the most successful international action film franchise of all time
A conservative christian, a fat guy and a meat eater are all sitting at the bar... you'll find this in almost every bar in America.
What is white and square? A ping pong block.
Yelling "YOU MONSTER!" after someone farts in a public bathroom feels pretty great.
They hired a comedian at the local construction site. Everyone loves him. You could say he was really nailing it.
Did you know... 3/2 of the world's population sucks at fractions?
A guy walks into a bar Ouch
Things that don't kill bees 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I like my women like I like my Poke Stops. Ready to go again in 5 minutes.
How do you clean a condom? You put it in a pot and boil the fuck out of it.
What do ducks do at Christmas time? They Duckerate cookies. ...lol...
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I've been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops. Stare all you want.
Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
she says she want a bad boy so i unplug the usb w/o ejecting it
What do you call two Mexicans on a firetruck? Hose A and Hose B.
I've never had a beard and don't know if I like it, but it's growing on me.  I'll go now.
What do you call a black guy on the moon? An astronaut
Knock Knock Who's there ! Charles ! Charles who ? Charles your luck on the lottery !
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Hate when I'm being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he's tied to the back of a tiger.
A girl asked her mom if it's true that babies come out of where men put there penises. Mom said yes that's true. The girl said but mom wouldn't that break my Jaw?
My friend once asked me if I would have sex with a christian girl without a condom. It's okay, God will protect us.
"Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops". Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I just auditioned for a home makeover show because I'm too lazy to vacuum.
I feel like rock jokes are taken for granite not very many pebble appreciate them.
what do you call a black guy that flies airplanes? A pilot you fucking racist!
"She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD??? Me: What? No....it's my wife's..... Hips: No.... It's his... Me: Shut up Hips!
"Always leave them wanting more" is great advice for a performer. Restaurant owners, on the other hand...
*Rolls window down* Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: is it because I'm literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Mosses did not parted the Red Sea. Chuck Norris did. The Bible got confused because Mosses and Chuck Norris sound so much alike.
All the dads with weekend custody are crowding up the donut shop.
Why don't SJWs like Reddit? It's a real cispool.
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? Right before the tanks were full he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
You get what you get and you don't get upset... You have cancer.
Me: I could tell you, but I'd have to- Him: Kill me? hahaha Me: No, talk to you. And I don't wanna do that.
What is the good thing about Alzheimer's disease? That you get to meet new people everyday!
My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.
You guys hear about the guy who was addicted to rohypnol (Roofies)? He'd been on 'em longer than he could remember...
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around stalking you after you toss a load in it.
How much alcohol does it take to get a black person drunk? About three fifths.
Top Gun (PG) - 1986 A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots' bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them - 110 mins
I have a bad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift not having a boyfriend on Valentines Day.
What's the difference between an egg and Elliot Rodger? An egg gets laid before it cracks.
What do you do with a camel that won't move ...Camel tow it
I was born a Catholic Which came as a big surprise to my parents who were both protestants. Source: Irish actor Michael Redmond (Fr. Stone in Fr. Ted) on 'An Irishman Abroad' podcast.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven acht nein.
Me: Ooh, I'd love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment. Her: On a Saturday night? Me: I've got really bad teeth.
You know it wasn't always called club penguin. The original name was club seals, not sure why they changed it.
(Watching Liar Liar) Wife: If you couldn't lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married? Me: Until the end of this movie.
I think Google's a woman... Because it won't let you finish a sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I became a proud father today He just turned four, but he was a boring little shit the first few years.
What does Sonic say during Ramadan? Gotta go fast
"She is not fine." ~Sun Tzu
I can turn water into Kool-Aid. Your move Jesus.
an Irishman, Englishman an Scotsman walk into a bar The bartender says, "Is this a joke"
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.
What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg? Balan Singh
What is an apt gift for a female porn star that collects vintage comic books? An issue of *Giant Sized Man-Thing*
What's the difference between Caitlyn Jenner and a 6 year old pretending to be a T-Rex? The 6 year old never killed anyone with a car
Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol, one sec bro
The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.
What does a frog do when it's sad? Kermits suicide.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Boss:my office, now! Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter B:we've had a sexual harassment complaint M:Oh thank God!
What do you call a droid who's never on time? BB-L8
I normally don't drink, but last time I did I woke up next to my grandmother I still don't know how I got 6 feet under ground.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers.
An opinion without 3.14 ...is just an onion. 
I know wearing black is supposed to make you look slimmer but I may be taking it too far wearing this Darth Vader costume all week...
Took a whole week for my neighbor who only watches the Discovery Channel to realize thieves had replaced his TV with an aquarium.
Have you ever been to a store that only sells lamps? I've heard it's pretty lit.
Going to McDonald's is like going to the strip club... At first you're pumped and excited on the idea then you leave feeling dirty and ashamed.
What subreddit is the same as a recycling machine and will disappoint people [removed] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Yesididjustcombine2jokes
What did the noble gas sound like when he laughed? He He He
She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert. I wanted ice cream.
Your college degree doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you're in debt.
What do we want now!? When do we want 'em? Time machines!
Bin Laden's neighbours interviewed "we had no idea...he just kept himself to himself really..."
You know if you stab a salad 23 times It becomes a chopped salad
I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
Two psychics pass each other in the street.. One says to the other: "You're doing fine. How am I?"
Yo mama so fat, they're gonna put the movie in two parts.
Made a pizza today with Indian bread It was like Naan other
I hate it when people call me racist... When I'm not. I hate all races equally.
Australia wants to secede from the Commonwealth to distance itself from the British Monarchy... It will no longer be a kingdom and it can't be a principality, so it has to be a country.
I've got a joke about dyslexia. If you don't get it I'll spell it out for you.
A guy goes to the doctor to get his prostate exam during the exam the guy turns and says to the doctor "will you stick another finger up my ass? I need a second opinion"
I would say that a zero with a line through it isn't a number, But it's naught
Brain: We got this!! Body: Yeah, no we don't
There's a fine line between numerator and denominator.
Girl, You're like my mom I ain't gonna fuck my mom you sick fuck
I imagine it's pretty humbling for someone who's literally taking part in their first rodeo
Do you know why you shouldn't wear Ukrainian underpants? Chernobyl fall out.
I had lots of cheese but no crackers... I was cracka-lackin.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do the changing and another to talk about how the last bulb was bigger.
are everyone all al'right no! you are all al'left
I love telling dad jokes He laughs every time.
A dyslexic arab walks into a bar ouch, says the other arab
Our dog is named lucky he often escapes, so we'll be up all night to get lucky
How do you know you're in a redneck family? When your sister's pussy tastes like your dad's dick.
I'm sorry guys Why can't Sally ride the swings? Cause she doesn't have arms. Knock, Knock, Whose there? Not Sally...
Changing a light. How many niggers does it take to change a lightbulb? 2, one to drive the pink caddy and the other to change the light.
Why are blondes terrible at telling jokes, timing.
Why shouldn't you eat meat from pot smoking cows? Because the steaks are too high.
I saw a girl texting and driving earlier today and it really pissed me off... So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.
If a magnifying glass ever got into a fight.... ...It would be easily intimidated.
If you throw a banjo and accordian off a tall building, which one hits the ground first... Who cares?
What do you call an angry German? Sauerkraut.
You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The Rainforest Cafe isn't realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other.... "You know how to drive this thing?"
Why do French people eat snails? Because they hate fast food.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
What's the difference between a bad coffee in Switzerland and a bad coffee in Italy? When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, "Merci!".
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Want to hear a funny joke? Women's rights.
Why did Hitler need glasses? He could NAZI
Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they're causing all new problems.
Whats a similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist? They both smell it, but they can't eat it.
Did you hear about the married Amish woman having an affair? She loved two Mennonite.
I hate all these PI days jokes They go on forever.
What would a midget be jealous of at a little kid? The kid is over 5 feet tall.
Procrastination is a lot like masturbation... It's all great until you realize you're just fucking yourself.
If you love something let it go, if it comes back with a toddlers arm, it was probably a Pit Bull.
What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman? The car salesman knows he is lying.
Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
Hear about the guy who had a fetish for Christmas? He was fucking crackers.
If I win Powerball, I'm having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Why do melons have fancy weddings? Because they cantelope!
I tried Tylenol for the first time today. It tasted a lot like cotton.
I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time.. And she said.. "The big hand is on the...."
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? It was a while ago... but I heard he's al right now
Facebook: "Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]
MAST JOKES:    http://mastjoks.blogspot.com/2013/01/blog-post_7068.html#.UQVQ48OF1Jc.reddit
I saw myself naked in the mirror. And now my hand isn't in the mood.
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds. (and then the female come-back): What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes!
So i was trying to come up with a short joke about Catholic priests... But all the little ones were taken :v
New spy action film to feature a furry marsupial It will be called Mission Impossumible
Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says "Hey, did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease? It's spreading pretty fast." The other cow says "Yeah. Good thing I'm a helicopter."
Teacher: What is Ba + Na2? Pupil: Banana.
People keep saying Supermodels are struggling with bulimia But I'd say they're actually really good at it.
DOCTOR: "I'm calling to notify you of your outstanding balance." ME: "Thanks! I do yoga." DOCTOR:........
I shouldn't. Ambien: YES. You should. But I'm naked. A: EXACTLY. Ok, fine. *stands up* I HAVE A REASON THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED!
What's the difference between David Bowie and porn? Porn sometimes features good music. R.I.P
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths? APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player [nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Why did the momma pepper tuck in her baby? Because he was a little chili (Actually came up with this while making chili)
Dad tell me a joke[nsfw] "Hey dad tell me a joke" Dad:"Pussy" Son:"I don't get it" Dad:"I know hahahaha"
Did you hear about the pagan children's physician? He's the wiccapediatrician.
The only joke my mom ever made was me
What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A Pimp
what's pink and hard?... Micheal Jackson...still.
[interview with girl at dating agency] i get shy around pretty girls [girl smiles brushing hair from her face] "are you shy now" not really
How do you get a baby to stop choking? Take your dick out of its mouth.
I'm not calling you a slut, But if you had a password for your vagina it would be "1234"
How do you stir up the politics in a Coca Cola drink? You add ices.
Asked to switch seats. I wanted to switch seats on the plane last week because of a crying baby. The stewardess said no... just because it was my baby
The definition of Irony: Your job sucks Your kids suck Your life sucks Your wife...doesn't
What do you call a psychic midget that broke out of jail? A small medium at large
How do cows move in groups? Si-MOO-taniously
So a prisoner took his own mug shot... He called it his "cellfie".
What's a neckbeard's favorite asian country? M'Laysia
Screw this! I'm going to leave the original joke making to the professionals! Dane Cook... Amy Schumer... Carlos Mencia...
Why do Native Americans make good strippers? No matter where they are, they'll always make it rain when they dance.
Two guys walk into a bar The first guy asks for a glass of H2O. The second guy asks for a glass of H2O too. The second guy died.
ISIS I Saw I Shot. Then Iran. Cuz I'm a cowardly bitch.
What's the difference between a joke and hundred of penises Seriously I can't take this joke anymore
What's red and green and goes 100mph? A frog in a blender.
Why didn't the life guard save the hippy? He was too far out man.
Did You Hear about the Gender Identity Problems among Robots? Yeah. They all have trans-sisters...
I like my women like I like my microwaves Small, white, and will kill any baby I put inside it.
After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, "You know, this isn't working out."
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I've got something that'll blow your minds. Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
In Colorado you're American In Juarez you're a Mexican. In the bathroom European.
Can we install an *eyeroll* button on twitter?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show. Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won't even have to perform.
Doc: So you're not sleeping? Me: nah D: how much water do you drink? M: a glass a day D: Alcohol? M: 4 glasses D: Coffee? M: Yes, please
Maybe it's the PCP, but have you guys noticed that flaming dude that floats around your head in a bubble shaved his mustache?
What do you call two people having sex in the bushes? Thornication
I'm going to a Pearl Harbor Day party later on. I'm totally going to get bombed! *Now... give me your downvotes... yes, I feed upon your scorn!*
I like my men, like I like my subway A foot long.
The lord said to Abraham, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life." Abraham came fifth. He won a toaster.
What brand of butter do frogs eat? Country Croak.
What would a Christian Rap album featuring only UPS drivers be titled? The Deliverance
99% of the world can't count. I'm just glad I'm part of the other 4%.
What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her? I need some space.
I asked my boss for a raise and full-benefits package. But before I knew it, she was going down on me.
For the Canadians (Warning: Offensive) How do you kill a fox with one leg? Make him run across Canada.
Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you're married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"
My Dad bought some candles from the store They seem pretty lit
My friends accused me of making jokes about David Bowie I said "Oh no, not me"
When I was younger my fairy godmother asked me if I'd like a long penis or a long memory I forget my response.
Bud light is like having sex in a canoe It's fucking close to water.
*gets naked* *gets baked* *doesn't get why they don't rhyme*
if school taught me to say no to fast food instead of drugs i'd be high as shit but not really fat which sounds cool
Why do aardvarks make undesirable neighbors? Because they always have their noses in other people's  business!
What'd they call that place with the collection of escape artist memorabilia? now museum, now you don't
going to travel back in time and paint a giant "@" in a cave just to freak everyone out
Where did the Gorilla play baseball? In the bush leaguesof course!
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said "This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things"
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn't think of this.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair.
Did you know Japanese goddess Izanami was a Nazi? Just read her name backwards!
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it!
Ghost pirate What did the pirate's ghost say to his girlfriend? I love your Boo-ty
DIE HARD JOKE What are they planning on calling the next die hard movie in which the main villain is a lesbian terrorist? DYKE HARD
"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?" "Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
Halloween Dress Code: Men: super hero, monster, funny thing, famous people. Women: super whore, monster whore, funny whore, famous  whore
Know why Jedi don't get married? Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
What do you do before deploying a tickle into production? A testicle!
I'm participating in some vintage ploughing this weekend I'm visiting the local retirement home
Why do Mac users have such high electricity bills, but low gas bills? They don't have windows.
What makes a black joke funny? A grape punch line
(in dog boss' office) "Smith, you're fired." Fine. I guess I'll just WALK out... (boss' tail starts wagging) "Wait Smith get back here"
What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell? Ereptile dysfunction
Even if you're really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970'S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre So the bartender gave it to her.
What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!
Someone screwed with my autocorrect, and when I catch them... Alpha cum up
What is the new LGBT flavor enhancer for cunnilingus? (wait for it ... wait for it ...) creme brulee
Which wizard can help you tone up your arms and upper body? Dumbbelldor.
Who did the Indian Girl choose to Marry? No one. Her parents chose for her.
I wanted to post a joke about tofu but it's tasteless.
Heidi Klum was waiting for a call from Donald Trump She never got it.. His phone was only 99.99% charged so he couldn't do it.
When two gay men get married, whose parents pay for the wedding? Neither, because they're both ashamed of their children's disgusting and sinful lifestyle choices.
As I was looking at some apartments I saw a parking area with the sign,"Tenant Parking." But what happens if there are more than ten ants?
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti: You should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta!
If a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, they call him a stallion. If a stallion sleeps with a bunch of girls, they shut that riding school down.
"Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker." "Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?" "Seems fine."
Do you know why 6 is afraid of 7? Because 7 has friends in the politburo
My wife tied me up before sex last night She then rolled over and went to sleep.
When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I've been there.
Picture a sandwich. Now picture another sandwich that talks. Picture a third sandwich. I'm really high.
I recently bought a teddy bear named Muhammad... for $10. And a week later, sold it for $20. The question is, did I make a Prophet?
"I'm wet and have crabs." That's what sea said.
What's black and white and red all over? After it was stuck in traffic because of protesters blocking the freeway: a police car.
The hell with a Klondike Bar, ask me what I'd do for a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands. That joke never gets old...
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
This is awesome. Must watch! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMDasvrKXdM&amp;list=UUoSaAvzfqFYlMCBrBDCLiRg
My coffee reminded me of Ferguson today Dark and full of shots.
what did the grape say when it got stepped on? nothing but it let out a little wine
Sex is like dark humor Not everyone gets it.
What do you call a horse who disagrees with you? Glue.
A woman asked me "What is your opinion on women making 75% of a man's wages for the same job?" I said "Congratulations!!!"
Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.
Sisters thinking of joining isis are infatuated with i products.
I got a gun for my wife today. It was the best trade I ever made.
A man goes to the hospital with 6 plastic horse up his butt. The doctors described his condition as stable.
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
what's a political campaign we can all get behind? gay rights
Just seen a midget struggling carrying a TV to his car. I said " You need a hand with that flat screen mate?" He said "Fuck off dickhead, its an ipad"
r/atheism That's the joke.
Namast'ay Away from negative people.
Dad goes on date with Carly Rae Jepsen As she got into his car he said "Hi, Maybe."
I tweeted to Steve Harvey tonight that he was still my favorite all-time host of Family Feud; but two and a half minutes later I tweeted again to tell him it is actually Richard Dawson
What do you call a huge pair of tits you want to see but never get a chance to? Cliffhangers
I was thinking about perfect spirals in the restroom, I now know why its called the "golden" ratio.
Why is the new version called Windows 10? Because 7 ate 9.
A good pun... A good pun is its own reword.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer. Rascals! #txt
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow, you used to be hot Wife: *death glare* Me: ...but not as hot as you are now
Why would a porn site that only focuses on flight attendants be really successful? It only takes your left hand to type "stewardesses"
"How do you find anything in here?!" -my mugger, giving my purse back
When you are finished with a corncob pipe, you can just feed it to a nearby pig. The Lord is amazing.
My girlfriend died yesterday. She's dead. She suffocated, broke her neck and drown all at the same time. I'll never her last words. Do you want a blow job?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because netizens were showing shallow sympathy for #YulinDogMeatFestival on the other side.
For some of us the internet should have probably been the best man at our wedding if we were being honest.
Before gaydar, it is widely suspected that gay men found each other using a cumpass.
So a termite walks into a bar... ...and asks, "Hey, is the bar tender here?"
Swallowed two pieces of string this morning. A little while ago they came out tied together... I shit you knot!
Hi I'm an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
So two condoms walk into a bar... One looks at the other and says "did you know this is a gay bar?" "Well yeah" said the first condom, "I plan on getting shitfaced tonight."
What is the difference between God and my love life? Some people think God is real.
Why did nobody want to be around Hitler? Because he was very gassy.
I got a job crushing cans... ...It's soda pressing...
Today I learned that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs through your "jeans"
Friday night. Sitting in a bar. As the designated driver. NO, I'M NOT BITTER. I'M PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE OUT OF A SENSE OF WONDER.
An interesting title Did you hear about the adulterous Amish woman? She was banging to Mennonite.
Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays... Free of charge
How the name WIFE was invented They took 1st and last 2 letters of WILDLIFE and invented WIFE :)
Lets write a joke I'll give you of two the punch lines, you give me the setup: Punch line #1: That's the line time I'll go to that bar. Punch line #2: Liquor, I don't even like her.
[date] "don't let her know ur from twitter" Her: whats wrong? Me: This fork only has 3 prongs Her: So? Me: it should be called a threek
I don't understand why people make jokes out of 9/11 Those jokes are just plane wrong
Cheeseburger. Guy to Girl: Hey , do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blow job??? Girl: NO! Guy: I will take you out for lunch one day !
Why do feminists hate rubbing the body? Because it's massage-gynistic
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
You know why women are bad at parking? Because they are constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
Why did the chicken cross the road? The Road done him a bad turn.
What do Scrooge McDuck and dragons have in common? They love to swim in gold coins.
"I'm sorry, sir but you have cancer and you only have 5..." "5 years left to live? 5 months? Tell me, Doc! Tell meeeeee!" "5...4...3...2...1"
A cheeseburger walks into the bar... And the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here." Sorry
The Edmonton Oilers
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Eleph-ino
What's a Jew's favorite brand of hotdog? Anne Frank's
Help me make a joke to this punchline... (optional type of) science isn't an exact science.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
In an attempt to raise profits ... I've heard that Malaysian Air is considering offering 1/2 way tickets.
Whats the great way to lose some pounds? Leave the EU.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.
I hope my girlfriend enjoys long, romantic walks... ...because I don't have a car.
Why are Saudis so behind on current events? Because they live under Iraq.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog. Boss: You mean up? Me: No, updog. Boss: What's updog? Me: Not our sales. We're bankrupt.
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.
Why wouldn't you teach a woman how to ski? Because there's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom..
Build a fire for a man and he will be warm for a night... Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
A gymnast walks into a bar... She is then deducted five points.
What's black and doesn't work? A broken light bulb you racist bastard.
What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large
Benedict Cumberbatch, if we dissect his name it means "Blessed batch of cucumbers" In other words, he is just a jar of Kosher Dill Pickles
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a DM.
When one squirrel says "I like to eat nuts", there is probably always another squirrel who says "that's what she said."
I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."
Do you guys wanna jear a hoke about dyslexics? I had a joke about Alzheimer's but damnit, I don't remember it.
Senior high school picture...they weren't ready http://www.today.com/news/teen-comes-out-closet-hilarious-senior-quote-t25881?cid=par-huffpost-gravity
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate? Yeah, she's staying at my house this week.
My SO told me that I should stop pretending to be a flamingo I had to put my foot down
i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can't finish my corndog
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his drink before it was cool
Why do abortion clinics make bad OP's? ... because they don't deliver...
Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week.... Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casket They put the left leg in.... And then the trouble started
Reddit's post limit reminds me of the Cleveland Show 1 joke every 10 minutes.
After 20 years of marriage, the one thing that pisses off my wife ... of 6 years is that I keep a running total.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A Woman
Why did the oven go back to University? To get another degree. - My sister thought it up and found it so funny she called to tell me.
I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
Apparently, "I judge a great wine by its alcohol content", doesn't impress wine snobs
Speculation was rife as to why Vladimir Putin has been missing for the last 10 days. Turns out he had the flu. That's what happens when you fight cold wars.
How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male; if she answers it's female.
I invented a new word! Plagiarism.
I still don't know what the word "Suicide" means I've been killing myself trying to find the definition
What's all pent-up and missing a cunt? Chelsea Manning.
9 out of every 3 people suffer from math illiteracy.
Why are pedophiles safe drivers? They always slow down in front of kindergartens and schools!
What did the gay Zombie crave? BRIANS.
So I attempt to shoot myself with this gun? Do I whack off during or after? (Kid who grew up on Chatroulette playing Russian Roulette)
I work at a UPS store where we employ mentally challenged people It has its ups and downs.
I just finished watching the Curt Cobain documentary... It ended with a bang.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb ? Nein.
I hate it when I'm watching porn and suddenly there's a man's butthole right in my face. And I'm like "go away, dad. I'm watching porn."
Trying anal is like Washing dry hands with wet soap... ...it doesn't feel the same, but its getting the same job done...
my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying "jeff is dead" so they know what the flowers are for
My mom keeps asking me who made a mess at the dinner table I spilled the beans
What do you call a religious owl? A bird of pray.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards.
Somebody told me that today literally adds up But that's silly, 8+8 =/= 2016
Here's a FedEx joke Actually, you'll get it tomorrow
My son on the morning of his prom: "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night."
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they're ok.
What did a Mexican take Xanax for? For Hispanic attacks
How to lose an argument with an idiot - 1 Argue.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn* Mom, I'm 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain't taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain't taught in church.
What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear down from a tree? Camembert!
At first, I was ashamed of reading erotica ,but then I came to terms.
Gay jokes aren't funny Cum on guys.
I hate going left Because it's just not right.
Me: sandwich for lunch? 6yo: noooo!!! Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread? 6: YES!! I win.
What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of jail? A small medium at large
Him: I really like your car Me: Thanks! H: What is it? Me: Uh......black?
Wizards of the Coast: Wizards of the Coast, and this is where the magic happens.
What's a Tijuana hooker's favorite president? El BJ!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom? Defendant: no Lawyer: spell "ICUP" Defendant: I-C-U-P Judge: *softly* omg Jury: *whispering*
"You are gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late" Jokes on you I am gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what.
Where do otters come from? Otter Space!
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
Why doesn't Mexico ever win any medals in the Olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already crossed the border.
But I'm the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: my best friend is my wife Everyone: awwww My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls. Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.
Have you heard of the italian chef that died? He pasta away!
[stubs toe] "GOD DAMMIT" God: No problem, bro. [toe goes to Hell]
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel.
Boyfriend questionnaire: 1) Have job? 2) Have car? 3) Have goals? If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.
What do condoms prevent? Minivans.
Just ordered some cops for my neighbours.
I have seen this one on here before but nobody ever gets it right... A baby seal walks into a club - What a tragedy....
If the guy behind me stands any closer I'm going to go in for a hug.
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day... Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Made you read this Gotcha
Politics now a days.... On my college campus people write "feel the bern" everywhere so i decided to give Hilary some love and wrote "feel the clit" everywhere! I don't see the problem
Q. What does a cow make when the sun comes out? A. A shadow
Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.
3 guys walk into a bar... The 4th guy ducked.
I'm just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you're changing your phone number and the next you're filing a restraining order.
Why was the baby put in jail? For resisting a rest. ^^^^I'll ^^^^take ^^^^my ^^^^coat
What do you call 100 black people buried neck deep around a basketball hoop? Afroturf
Cop: What is your line of business? Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff. Cop: Louder for the microphone. Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.
Who called them "homo erectus'" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus'"
I told a very average joke in the cheese aisle today. The crowd went mild.
What do Mormonism and LSD have in common? Dyslexia
Why was the tomato red? It saw the salad dressing.
One day you're going to meet the girl of your dreams And she won't want your money She won't want your house, or your car She won't want you either ;)
Olive Oil What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil? Popeye's cock.
Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast... Turns out it was her belt buckle.
What do light and hard have in common? You can sleep with a light on.
What's the difference between a repost and a bullet? I don't want to put a repost in my mouth
What is a mattress' favorite season? Spring.
I like to play music loud It's kind of my forte.
With the rape allegations against Cosby... I guess we know what he meant by pudding pops. (I just made this up. Sorry if it's been posted.)
Never try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
I tried fixing my muffler today... ...well, it's exhausting.
When I die, can you do me a favor and tell my wife that I loved her? Thanks. Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme.
Do you believe in cod? Because I reely trout it exists.
I hit on an older woman on a dating site and she rejected me by saying "is your dad available?" So i responded to her by saying "yeah, but i dont think he is into threesomes."
Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn't compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.
There should be a.... Women's rights music group called Feminem.
Who was the worlds first capenter? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo? I've never had a garbanzo on my face.
Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers!
What do you call a person that worships NASCAR? A racist!
How do you get an elephant into a Safeway? You take the S out of SAFE and you take the F out of WAY
What kind of star wears sunglasses? A movie star.
What are an Italian bench warmer's favorite vegetables? Asparagi!
How does a muslim close a door? Islams it.
HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it's about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Why don't rabbits makes noise during sex? Because they have cotton balls.
Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Today, I took a shower You have no idea how hard it was to get it out of Home Depot.
What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can't pay this months rent anymore
Making an analogy that references itself is like good word play. You don't do it anytime you want. You have to have a good reason to go metaphor.
iOS 8 fail.
A man walks into a bar... "Ouch!"
I'm really starting to regret dating a dentist... she's always asking me to talk about about my fillings.
A dad says to his son, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you're going to go blind." "Dad, I'm over here."
Terrorists of Reddit, who is the most stupid person you have met in your organization? Don't forget the name of your organization as well!
A Trochee looks at his friend and says "you look a little stressed". The friend says "i am"
When you'd rather read a book than date a girl ... it's prose over hoes.
Driving around Boston is like reading Choose your own Adventure... There are countless different paths to take, with most leading to failure or death, and only a few leading to success.
What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the prince woke up Snow White? Welp.... I guess it's back to jerking off!
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You don't know man, you weren't there!
What is the Great Saiyaman's favorite Adam Sandler movie? You Don't Mess with the Gohan
Who wants gold? amuse me first...hahaha
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of...
Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation? Bill: I just went outside and there it was!
I once met a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
I just ate my weight in kidney beans! (I weigh eight ounces.)
I used to work at a soda pressing factory... I had to compress soda cans all day. It was so depressing. (so...da...pressing). HA!
please stop yelling. I put the cucumber slices on your baby's eyes because they looked puffy.
[calls wife] honey help 'whats wrong?' im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit 'ok just stop crying'
I Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl... not on my watch.
What's a terrorist's favorite type of game? An RPG
What do you call it when someone comes to your house and takes all your pottery? Home Depot.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, "it goes by so fast."
A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water. Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight... Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire
Guys, you should really try removing the key above enter on your keyboard. Trust me, you'll never go back
Grammar Nazis have typo negative blood.
Can somebody please find Ja Rule? I need help in making sense of just what happened
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like 'Stabbyrabbit' or 'Weaponrat'
All I got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards. I found it really hard to deal with.
Whats long, brown and sticky? A stick.
I don't know what it is about my masseuse... But something about her just rubs me the wrong way.
Why do some fish always look high? Because of all the seaweed.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there's still time.
[time travels to 1941 Berlin to kill Hitler] Damn I should've learned German [looks down at American flag bodysuit] This was also a bad idea
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man] "Hey" Hi "Can I ask you something?" Yup "Why'd you name the dog 'Another Man' babe?"
I like my jokes how I like my babies. Stolen and beaten to death.
Did you know Canada was originally going to be called "CND"? When they were asked to spell it, they spelled it: C-eh. N-eh. D-eh.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for.
My mum fancies my best friend Luckily that's my dad. (2015 Early Father's Day Jokes Co. , you're welcome)
When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face? When her mustache is on fire!
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are going through a divorce. Mickeys lawyer says " you can't get a divorce because your wife is a little crazy." To which Mickey replies "no I said she's Fucking Goofy!"
A joke is like a frog.... when you dissect it dies
Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention? It does not help to imagine people in their underwear.
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!
I want to watch a porn where both people scream out lengthy Starbucks drink orders when they orgasm
I was born with blonde hair and blue eyes My parents named me Michael but I totally looked like a Ryan
I lost twenty pounds by making sure that three times a week I get a good hour of doing crystal meth
[invention of kissing] WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
What kind of music did Jesus hate? Anything by Judas Priest and Nine Inch Nails.
What do you call Dr Dre, Eazy-E, Ice Cube and MC Ren rapping on top of Mt. Everest? Niggas with Altitude.
I used to steal jokes.... ....I still do. But I used to too.
"Mommy, I don't want to see grandma today!" "Shut up and keep digging."
I Wanted To Buy A Samsung Galaxy... But they only come in Fire Red.
Don't drink and drive, also don't call frozen yogurt "fro yo."
If my DVR cuts off the last joke of my favorite sitcom one more time, I swear im gonn... **FREMULON**
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
My girlfriend and I couldn't agree on which guitar strings to play In the end we struck an A Chord
[God is taking a nap] Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Bush Jr, and his take on words The only reason Bush Jr attacked Iraq,,, is because Bush Sr. asked for "a tie rack" for Christmas!
What do you call a woman with one short leg? ilene.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roaming Catholic.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
My co-worker said he's bleeding out of his ear. "That time of the month?" I replied. He's not amused.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond [introduces dave] this is dave, he's a vegan "OK ENOUGH"
So apparently "self-deprecating humour" is what's popular now... And I'm really not that good at it.
Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is pretty messed up!
Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial? "If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers...."
I just read Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea It sure is a story with a lot of depth.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aries ! Aries who ? Aries a reason why I talk this way !
I asked the doctor how much longer I've got. He said, "A few inches. You clearly enjoy prostate exams."
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
A Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar. The Muslim says "I don't drink" The Jew replies "I'm not paying"
If you hold your pee.. Then your hands would get wet.
Helluva guy John is a hellava guy. Type of guy who goes out on a Friday night, gets a couple of blow jobs, comes back and gives his buddy one.
A blonde goes to a target And misses.
You remember, in 2008 and 2012, when the right rioted, burned police cars, trashed small businesses, and claimed that President Elect Obama was not their president? Huh, yeah me either.
Who is Donald Trump's favorite action star? Sylvester Small-Loan
what's Forrest Gump's password 1forrest1
I got arrested at an airport. Apparently, airport security didn't like it when I called shotgun.
PhD... or Pizza Hut Deliveryman After many years of studying at a university, I've finally become a PhD... or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
Which day do chickens fear most? Fryday.
My friend thinks the newly married couple of #s 4 and 9 are a boring one. I told him that's normal as they are pretty square.
Ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? I did this with my life.
A fax machine is just a surprise printer.
I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex. Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.
HILLARY: donald-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: ...trump-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: [smiling serenely] ...is good TRUMP: --wrong. nno wait. nno. no, no
I'm so irritated This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that has 'insufficient funds'.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it's cheaper and much more effective.
My gf said she is going to leave me because of my obsession with the monkeys... I didn't believe her at first, But then i saw her face and now im a believer.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Whats the difference between a girl and a washing machine? When I dump a load in the washing machince, it doesnt follow me around
hello test *hello* * info * info2 * info3 balh blah
12 ways to cut down on clickbait! This wasn't one of them
What colour does a smurf turn when you choke it? I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
I actually like the smell of hospitals.. Does that make me a sick person?
A real woman can raise a child by herself, but a real man would never LET her
What did the three-legged horse do when it started to rain? It ran to the unstable.
The difference between theory and practice is that in theory George Clooney should have been the best Batman.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you're not getting laid...it's because the women can't see you..
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
What's the difference between a lobster with boobs and a filthy bus stop? One's a busty crustacean while the other's a crusty bus station.
I got so drunk last night i blew chunks! Chunks is my dogs name.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Jesus' favorite pick up line "Hey girl. I'm the son of God back from the dead and trust me, I put the erection in resurrection."
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only cums once a year
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don't even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
It seems that all my cans of whoop-ass are expired.
I like my women how I like my file paper. Ruled, and punched twice near the spine to keep them in line.
I would tell you a butter joke... But you would probably just spread it.
I had an ambivalent girlfriend once, but I had to dump her. I found out she was addicted to Meh.
Steven hawking is setting a bad example for kids these days... Being on his computer all day
Did you hear about the guy who used 20% of his right not to incriminate himself? He plead the Fifth!
LPT: How to keep time on your hands Get a watch.
So, A Helium Molecule walks into a bar... the bartender says "we don't serve don't serve noble gases here." It Doesn't React!
[NSFW] What is the difference between two towers? A plane
I ate one of those orange Hostess cupcakes and now I have to live in the sewers.
Two crows are in jail. What are they in for? Attempted Murder
Went into an "Adult Bookstore" looking for books on time shares and Roth accounts. Sold out I guess.
What do you get when you cross a railroad with a refrigerator? Killed.
Am I able to think up of a brand new color... ...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver's license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
ME: "Trick or bear?" NEIGHBOR: "Bear?" ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!" [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
Two crows were sitting on a bench... They were arrested for attempted murder.
What is a stalkers favorite part of a hospital? the I see you.
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Somewhere between 0 and infinity.
Paper is so terrible...
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said "you got this," so it's safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If there was ever a great name for a male only massage parlor it would be: The Massaganist.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
What happened to the clock that was still hungry? It went back 4 seconds.
What did the Japanese woman do when the Titanic sank? She raughed (raft).
"Get a womb!" - me when I see two newborns making out.
What does a German call a party without Sausage and Cheese? A Wurst-Kase Scenario
Yo momma so fat and a slut... Her ass is the black-hole, it devours everything!!!
What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes? A Star-Spangled Banner.
I put coffee in my aquarium filter. The water wasn't any cleaner, but the fish swam REALLY FAST.
So how did you die? Too long for here, read comments.
We are the sand. The wind will blow us. The ocean will beat us. Life is a beach.
What do a tomato and a gay quadriplegic have in common? They are both fruits that are kind of like vegetables.
The music of life needs more cowbell.
What kind of girl does a hamburger like? Any girl named Patty!
I'm fluent in Mandarin said the orange.
Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.
When you go for a bus ride do you like sitting  upstairs or downstairs? I prefer to ride on top but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
Baby your dirtier than my browsers history!
The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!*** *Creepy **Is it a human? ***I think you're having a racoon
I am writing my first Buddhist musical, "Hello Dalai... Lama".
"Your mom is over capacity." - me under my breath to twitter a second ago
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roman Catholic
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
What's the difference between a job and a wife? After 10 years, the job still sucks.
What's common between Hitler and Taco Bell Both are responsible for gassing lots of people. _________ Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/skeh8/taco_bell_on_420/c4eqbvj?context=2
I heard about this new sex position that I really want to try. It's called: With another person.
What did sushi A say to sushi B? WASABI!!!
Why couldn't the scientist find salt for his breakfast? Because it was Na HA! Get it? Because Na=sodium and N/A=not available. Seriously, this is good clean fun.
Due to the downturn in the economy my friend has had to close down his salt stall. He's really feeling the pinch.
Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his Ipad to comfort him I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain. But only in flash.
funniest joke i have heard in a while "what is the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?" One shucks between fits
What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class? Her algae bra
A polish joke my grandpa told me: "What happened to the Polish dog?" He chewed off 3 legs and was still caught in the trap
I don't know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, "This is Mario, we also call him 'Super Mario'. And this Luigi, we also call him 'Player 2'.
"Must you lick the knife?" "Sorry,force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"
What did two twins name a towing company started in lower Manhattan? The Twin Towers.
What day do fries hate the most? Friday
School is like a boner, long and hard... Unless you're Asian...
Why hurricanes are named after women Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Why is a bulimic's favorite restaurant KFC? Cause it comes with a bucket.
I hate it when a guy pulls out a chair in front of me. I'm never sure if he's a gentleman or a chair thief.
Did you guys here about the kidnapping earlier today?! He woke up at about 1 o'clock.
The two secrets of life 1. Don't tell everyone everything you know.
My wife depleted the power on my phone when I needed it the most. Yet I'm the one who is charged of battery...
92 percent of Americans get inappropriately excited when there's a t-shirt cannon present.
I can't think of a single reason to use an idiom If you ask me, they're for the birds
A Mexican kid passes a note to his friend in class. "What do you think you're doing?" the observant teacher asks. To which he replies... "writing an ese"
What do the Montreal Canadians and marijuana addicts have in common? Both of them smoke the leafs
The fifth season will start in a few days Nuclear Winter
What is the worst part about an unfinished joke?
Hubby: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?" Wife: "I don't want to bother you while you are at work."
[makes tsk tsk tsk sound with my tongue as wife walks by and sees me looking at the Kim butt pic for the 7th straight day]
You need some David in your life... Because Jesus clearly isn't helping you.
What is the difference between a 14 year old boy in the U.S. and one in Mexico? A 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a senor
What is the hardest thing about staring at a pile of dead babies? (Possible NSFW) My erection.
What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself? A high-jacker.
Just breathe and eat a banana. Everything will be OK.
What's black &amp; blue covered with blood? The 12 year old in my trunk that faught back!!
The Albanian planted lightbulbs in  his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.
"Doctor Doctor, I have three vaginas" Well is it causing you any problems? "Problems!? I'm getting fucked left right and centre!"
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
My daughter called me "lame." Let's see how "lame" she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Happy poops are all alike; every unhappy poop is unhappy in its own way.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Why aren't Jews easily distracted? because they've been to concentration camp.
[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is "bananas" GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night... And he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"
What do you call a cup with a Confederate flag on it? A Hiccup! Get it? Hick-cup?
A Christmas joke A boy was given a soccer ball for Christmas. But he cried tears of agony and pain. Why? He had no legs
I don't like tacos Said no Juan ever.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
"How'd the session go with your new therapist?" "It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."
How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
I Bet If The Moon Found Out What It Means To Moon Somebody It Would Feel Bummed.
Out having dinner with friends. One of my friends mentioned the clothes I had on was gay... I told him, "yes, they came out the closet this morning."
School is like a penis... Long and hard unless you're Asian
Did you hear about the holocaust museum banning Pokemon? I guess they didn't want a bunch of Ash running around.
Why don't women propose to men? Because the guy'd always be disappointed when she took out a ring.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
When does a van become a can? when it travels at the speed of light, i.e v=c..
A Jew, a black, and a Muslim are on a frozen lake, not talking to each other, so I thought I would go over there and break the ice.
Women's soccer
Armadillo The world needs more armed dillos.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish.
Last night I dreamt I was walking on a beautiful sandy beach At least that explains the footprints I found this morning in the cat litter box.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven't worked out all the bugs yet.
A man and his wife find an S &amp; M magazine under their son's bed. Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?" Dad replies, "Well we can't spank him!"
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics. ... ... But graphing is where I draw the line!
What did the doctor say to the witch in  hospital? With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.
What is the difference between jam &amp; jelly? I can't jelly my dick in her ass...
My internet was just down for 5 minutes, Im okay, but the 9-1-1 operator was being a total bitch about it.
My son said, "Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, 'My life has been a complete failure.'?" I said, "Not unless you're standing behind me."
Roger Federer asked what the large silver dish was for. "Seconds", they replied.
What blod type am I? Type-O
What kind of tea do the crime investigation team drink? A "casual tea"
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State building can't jump.
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, "May I help you with your luggage?" The photon responds, "No thank you. I'm traveling light."
Anal piercings are just a pain in the ass I'm so sorry
Don't you guys think that Team America: World Police predicted the terrorist attack in france?
I cheated on a girl that was a bartender. I hope she gives me another shot.
Sad to say that Gregg Jevin, a man I just made up, has died. #RIPGreggJevin
That's definitely not my ringtone, but I'm going to have to check my phone anyway.
Why are there no Jewish male pedophiles? Because not even the pleasure of hard candy is enough to make them spend a dollar on grooming a child.
I just freaked out! I woke up from a nap to find that my phone and wife were missing. It's all good though. I found my phone.
What do cheese and cancer have in common? Americans put it everywhere!
Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency... May his global impact be as tiny as his hands
Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side
I've never known a complete Jew I have only known some who are Jew*ish*
"Dad, what's a sponsored tweet?" "A way for Twitter to make money, I guess. Now, pass the Metamucil with 100% Natural Psyllium Fiber."
It's not premarital sex If you never get married
My cousin writes a lot of dark, emo poetry His parents say not to worry, though - he's just going through a phrase.
I pushed a hipster down the stairs today... He's still Tumbling!
the best part about kissing a girl is that fun little 30yr build-up right before it happens
What does an 80-year-old person taste like? Depends.
Why is the top speed of sex 68? At 69 you blow a rod.
What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle? Optimistic
Me: do you love me? Siri: I'm only your assistance. Me: if you don't, I will jump off a bridge. Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Mother Teresa walks into a bar
Hey reddit, guess what's funnier than 24? 25
One of the best ways to disguise the sound of a fart is to do it during the 4 claps in the Friends theme song.
Watching a birth is beautiful. Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It" will get you arrested.
I only have one hand.... So i shop at secondhand stores.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
What does a priest and a second place runner have in common? (NSFW) They both came in a little behind.
Saddest Joke if... Last person on Earth... Knock Knock..
What did the rest of Europe say to the UK during the heat wave? "UK m8?"
Whats the difference between inlaws and outlaws Outlaws are wanted
Van Gogh was never good at following directions. Everything that he was told simply went in one ear and out the- oh wait a minute...
The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
My dad always told me to watch out for number one... ... he bites.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Polceman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night." Man: "What's the charge?" Polceman: "Oh there's no charge. It's all part of the  service.
Did you hear about the Bausch &amp; Lomb tech who fell into a giant lens grinder? He really made a spectacle of himself
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just you
[moments after time traveling to 1863] LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
wife [text] I'm so proud of you for sticking to your diet me [can't respond because there's powdered donut on my fingers]
[talking to son on the phone] "I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police" I'm sorry. We've been very busy with the holidays and all.
Today I learned the Nazis were instrumental in the creation of Tang and other powdered fruit drinks But it didn't get far since Hitler hated the juice.
What's the difference between a feminist and a knife? The knife has a point
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger's bra. Whew.
Every single person my age... ...is 43.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
The Cannibal threw up his hands in frustration.
What`s the definition of frustration? A 16 year old boy outside the Fuck-For-A-Buck shop with only 99 cents.
Whats the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
You don't have to tell me I'm negative. I no.
What do you get when you combine a dill pickle and a doughnut? a dildo
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she  text me back "sorry wrong number."
How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
What is the one thing you shouldn't do at a funeral? The corpse.
If you can't handle me at my worst... Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.
A stunning pregnant blonde insisted on having a laparoscopic caeserian
My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...
I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....
Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero? Hes 0K now.
A man walks by a bar, the sign says "lobster tail and beer $10" He goes, what a deal for my 3 favourite things!
Immigrants... David Cameron has said that hes going to put a cap on immigrants entering the country. I think its terrible, they should be able to wear what they want.
What's the funniest joke you know? (Here's one of mine) Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat. One got pissed off.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over? Me: Seriously? You forgot already??
There are 11 types of people... People who understand binary, people who don't, and people who are tired of the same damn binary joke being reposted over and over.
What's the most outplayed joke in all of /r/jokes? [removed]
I am like an electron.... My wife can only make guesses at my precise location by means of a probability function
Abraham Lincoln. The reason I now have to hire a dishwasher instead of buying one.
I can sneak in an Uptown Funk reference here. Don't believe me? Just watch.
What do you call a black guy on the moon? An Astronaut, you fucking racists.
Ok What kind of hole do you need to turn a 15 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A paedophile.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Whats black and white and red all over? A nun having her period.
[First date] "Ok. Don't let her know you're just 40 squirrels in human clothes" "You said that out loud"
Why is there all this hate against necromancers? They are just trying to raise a family in peace.
Only a fraction of you will get this There's a fine line between numerator and denominator
What do you call a pirate from Ireland?? Arrrish
If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn't Find A Condom). I hope it catches on...
Did you hear about the outbreak of Urinary Tract Infections at the University of Texas? It's odd they couldn't see the issue with all those UTI's
What's the difference between an Alto and a Tenor? The Tenor doesn't have hair on his back.
Why was the hamster a bad Supreme Court Justice? Because his mind was always on a pellet.
How do you get an elephant into a Safeway shopping cart? Take the "S" out of safe and the "F" out of way!
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about it.
Q: Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? A: Because she was a woman.
Did you hear about the guy who was sent to prison for poor grammar? His cellmate put his semi in his colon.
You guys hear the one about the little French pig? It cried Oui Oui Oui all the way home.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return* "Wait.. if you're here, then..." *cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* "UNCURL, FREDRICK!"
My girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob She's allergic to nuts
In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat
What is the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until your 12 to come on your face
What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut? Remove only the top 1% please.
"I must go," said my friend. "Why?" I asked. He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters." I said, "That's no way to raise a child."
Helen Keller walks into a bar... Don't laugh! You would too if you couldn't see or hear.
My buddy and I started a mountaineering business 6 months ago, and things haven't been going so well. We may have peaked early.
What do you call a food that turns black people on? An *afro*-disiac.
Is this sub dying? Almost nobody has posted anything all year!
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra
Do you know why I love working out? Because I always feel like a weight has been lifted.
What do dildos and tofu have in common? They're both substitutes for meat.
What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common? The balls are just for decoration
News just in. There are reports that all the toilets have been stolen at Scotland Yard. Police say they have nothing to go on.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper] Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? because they are ugly and they stink.
I hate giving good people bad news But I'm a reporter at Fox so all I got is bad news.
How do you sink a polish ship? you put it in the water
What do you can an agent orange attack on Bangkok? Thai die.
Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool? Don't believe me? Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!
When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?  That the nail had come out of the wall.
Why are cigarette taxes such a safe bet right now? One way or the other, there's going to be a lot of smoking over the next four years.
[cops knock on my door] "Sir?" "Nobody's home." "Who said that then?" "My dog." "Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?"
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? A gang rape
I'm not Fred Flintstone... But I can make your bedrock.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.
Three old men are sitting on a bench One says, "Windy today." Another says, "No you idiot, it's Thursday." The third one says, "Me too. Let's go get a beer."
"Hard at Work" The story of a male porn star.
What do you call a Mexican child molester? A Pedrophile
What do ghosts do when they're sad? They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.
What is the Ape monster's name? Godzilla Gorilla!
Damn, baby got back. And front. And sides. Baby three-dimensional. This is a real baby.
What kind of fish is made out of two sodium atoms? Tuna (2Na).
Why is Jesus so sexually frustrated? he is not coming till judgement day. so sorry am i going to hell for this?
What do you call a tall, obese computer nerd with a bladder control problem. A Big Fat Geek Wetting.
What did Eminem say when 50cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
Cloudy with a chance of meatballs? Talk about a meatier shower!
Why is it wrong to be on the left? Because it's not right.
Why do dogs lick their dicks? Because they can.
A tornado walks into a bar and orders a  Hurricane. The bartender asks why he is ordering a Hurricane when he is a  tornado. The tornado responds with "I am a hurricane induced  tornado".
"I just need some space." - astronaut break up
My new flesh-light is dishwasher safe! Not sure why my roommates are opposed to it?
Do you know how they came up with the name for a shark? It's a mix of two swear words; "SHIIIT" and "FAAARK"
What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and a colored wash? Whites occasionally get inside a colored wash.
Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real Me: Yea Dad: There's one more thing Me: Don't say it Dad: Retirement Me: *sobs uncontrollably
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit Will you get out of my hair!
What do you say when a dog runs away? Dog-gone!
How much did the pirate pay for corn? A buck an ear!
You know what the funniest thing is about dementia?
Kids we are running late let's go! *Kids I'm going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
Two pigs robbed a bank. Why were they caught so  quickly? They squealed on each other.
My girlfriend told me to go out and bring back something that made her look sexy. I came home drunk.
Ladies, try carrying a sausage and 2 apricots in your pocket for a day without them moving and you'll see why we need to readjust ourselves.
I went clubbing last night I saw girls twerking in a bun dance.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese!
If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice They're lying.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam."
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers...
The first rule of Alzheimer's club, Is don't talk about Chess club.
I don't know it Switzerland is a good country But the flag is a big plus.
Want to hear a joke? . . . The WNBA! Want to hear another? Women's Rights
Dear Father Christmas could you please  send me some Crocodile shoes!. Father Christmas: Can't do that one. He hasn't said what size his crocodile takes!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say? Me: It doesn't talk. Cashier: Ya, but what does it say? Me: IT DOESN'T TALK. Cashier: Ok, Ma'am.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro cinco
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tonya Harding Barbie ...you didn't think we'd sell one without the other did you?
Did you hear about that story about the kid, that brought in a clock to school? It has really blown up in the news.
[Job interview] "Under "skills" you have odd compliments." "You look like you'd have soft bones. "Thank you?"
If Donald Trump replaces Barack Obama in the White House Does that mean that orange is the new black?
What it Princess Zelda's favorite food? Hot Links
In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.
What's as big as a horse but weighs nothing? A horses shadow!
/r/pickle welcomes it's newest ally. It's always good to have clean jokes. I due urge the mods to add us to your sidebar, due to the fact that you are on ours.
I asked a scientist how close humanity is to speed-of-light travel "We're relatively far off."
What did the Borg's existential brother say (Star Trek)? Existence is futile.
I love my 6 pack abs so much that I protect them with a thick layer of fat.
"tell me doc, is it bad news?" "you've got piles" ... "piles of health that is! LOL" ... "except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those"
Why is it fun to date teachers? Because if you don't get it right the first time they make you do it again ;)
My urologist is weird. I peed in a cup. He drank it and said, "You're fine." Then he paid me. Don't choose a doctor from Craigslist.
Just found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they are way too big for him.
What do Lena Dunham &amp; ISIS have in common ? They both love stoning women.
What do you call a mathematician who fakes injuries? Fibbinouchie.
A girl goes to the gynecologist, and the OB/GYN says "This might hurt a bit, do you want me to numb it?" She nodded yes... [NUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUM!](http://i.imgur.com/ZtNtzNP.gif)
Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly. May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?
Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese
If it lasts 4 hours I'm not only callin a Dr, I'm callin everybody!!
Schrodinger's Crush: Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
What do you call an irritated nerd? A noyd.
CHRISTMAS BONUS Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here? Secretary: My lawyer.
Are you a monosaccharide? 'Cause sugar, you're basic.
It's my birthday tomorrow - in lieu of charitable donations, please send gifts.
My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" I said.."And whose fault is that?"
Why do Republicans hate lotion? Because the directions say to apply it liberally.
How do you get a fat girl into your bed? Piece of cake...
How long is a Chinese name Mr. How Long IS a Chinese name,,,,, I'm sure this has been done before, but it's my favorite "riddle"
Will I live to see 90? You just did.
The things that you love are what makes you who you are. I guess that makes me large breasts....
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Rumor has it Pedals the upright walking bear has been killed by a hunter. But, remains unseen.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A hippo weighs a ton while a zippo is a little lighter.
My hair's gone mad today if anyone needs a small furry animal smuggled anywhere.
Two penguins were sitting in bathtub... The first penguin says to the second penguin "Hey, could you pass me the soap?" The second penguin says "What do I look like, *a radio?*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don't like to? Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables. 5: Because Mom is scary? Bingo.
Baller is short for ballerina
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me. *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes* Well that sucked.
Most people don't realize that Iron Man.. Is a Fe-male.
How does Donald Trump screw in a light bulb? He can't. His hands are too small.
I aspire to write jokes for laffy taffy. Q: What do you call a gullible vampire? A: A sucker
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"
The first time Chuck Norris ever played Counter Strike, he no-scope headshoted a terrorist through the walls from across the map on CS_Dust 2...... with a knife.
If you were a browser, you'd be called FireFoxy.
Why do Brides wear white? To match the rest of the household appliances.
Why was the black man so tall? ...Because his knee grows.
My best guy friend and I vowed if we're still single at 45, we def won't marry each other because who wants to marry someone no one likes?
A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband She asks, "Do I look fat in this dress?" He replies, "Do I look dumb in this shirt?"
So a roman walks into a bar Lifts two fingers and say "five beers, please"
*Shoves a guy* I think you mean the SECOND biggest "The Sound of Music" fan on earth, bro.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus: A table for 26, please. Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you. Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
Why are the best psychoanalysists Asian? Because they grew up listening to Pink Freud.
So anyway, one of my favorite pastimes is not drowning.
What's the worst part about working in a glory hole? You only get paid in tips.
What do you call a valley girl giving a blowjob for louis vuittons? Head over heels
Your mom's so slutty, she got fired for drinking on the job. She worked at a sperm bank.
Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station! Authorities have nothing to go on.
Jamie Oliver says there's "nothin worse in the world than an undercooked green bean" I'll go out on a limb & say he doesn't watch the news.
Cockroach logic A cockroach can make your girl scream louder than you can. Hence the first part of its name.
A man lost his arms, legs and torso gambling. Fortunately he quit while he was a head.
Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft
I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.
How many native Americans does it take to change a light bulb? About seven. One to change the bulb, six to sing the song.
What is the most well educated type of nut? Macademia.
Mom: how's therapy Me: ok. my anxiety is better Mom: great Me: yeah Mom: Me: Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a trashcan full of dead hookers? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
Forrest Gump wasn't a retard. He was just raised in Philly
Rock Joke... A rock asked a girl to be his girlfriend. The girl said "Wow, I'm flattened!" (Geddit? XD)
Penn State We all know that older woman who go after younger guys are called cougars. Well older men who go after young boys are called Nittany Lions.
Why don't witches wear a flat cap? There's no point to it
What's the difference between gluten and hillbillies? One's inbred, the others in bread
Today, I got lit, went to Denny's, ordered a t-bone &amp; eggs, and scarfed it all down... I guess you could say... it was a "high-steaks" scenario.
Russian Porn Doesn't it get you soviet?
Politicians hate each other more than they love America.
I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it... "Get a load of this guy"
That incessant, monotonous football is really ruining my enjoyment of the vuvuzelas.
What did Sheldon say to Penny? BaZINCa!!
Since we're doing electrician jokes......... Q: What's the difference between God and an electrician? A: God doesn't think **he's** an electrician.
"Easy Come, Easy Go" - My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I got a boner at a funeral today.... Mourning wood.
What was Hitler's favourite animal? Adolphin.
Mexican Magician The Mexican Magician says "I will disappear at the count of three. Uno, dos..." *POOF* And just like that, he disappeared without a tres.
Did you hear about the cannibal's fashion consultant She had excellent taste. BA DUM PSH
What did Death say when his furniture was repossessed? There will be reapercushions.
I HATE being stuck in a vacuum chamber Makes my blood boil
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an alter boy.
I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!
Tony Stark's drag queen name. Fe Male.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentacles!
The closest I've been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop...
Did you hear about the clarinet player who left her clarinet in the backseat of her unlocked car? When she got back, there were 14 more.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.. I can't put it down.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba Dum Tss!
said to my wife... I can make a car out of noodles. NO YOU CAN'T she said. ...should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
It's impossible to embarrass me because once the door opens on you while you're pooping on an amtrak train, you become untouchable
What do priests and christmas trees have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
What do you call a group of white people A group you racist
What did the gay frog say to his bf? Rimit rimit..
What idiot called them "cannibals" and not "humanitarians"?
If someone's embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, "It's ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby's"
Texting wasn't always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth with them after you've used them.
Windows 10 will support MKV and FLAC natively. Hey Microsoft, it's 2002 calling. Thanks for thinking of us. Ps. So LAME
What do call an old man that asks questions? Pop Quiz
When someone tries to hand me a flyer... ...it's kind of like saying "Here, you throw this away."
Apparently, the serving size for Oreos is "until you feel gross."
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Who's Microsoft's favorite musician? Adele
What time of day is the saddest? The mourning
What does a witch get if she's a  poor traveler? Broom sick.
Yo momma's so dense she has an accretion disk I'm so sorry...
I'm a virgin but I have sex sometimes
The creator of anagrams died... May he "erect a penis"
You have 2 coins that make 30 cents, one is not a nickle... One is a Quarter and the other is a nickle. I'll see myself out...
Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick? Because the Doctor can never see him.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape? Elephant grape sine theta.
Rick Astley is such a nice guy. He'll let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.
So a racist pig, a sexist idiot, and a pot-smoking socialist run for president. I am so sorry America. There is no happy ending here.
Two cows are standing around talking... "Hey, have you been following the news? All this mad cow disease going around is scary!" "Yeah! Thank god we're elephants."
You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Banana
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a sick bird? An illegal.
What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.
What's common between Hillary and Bill Clinton? A jew blowing their presidency
Friday...Gods Gift to the working People
Why don't girls in San Francisco wear skirts? Their balls would fall out.
How long does it take for a black woman to poop? Nine months.
What's the difference between lust, love, and just plain showing off? Spitting, Swallowing, and gargling.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
[loud speaker] "Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we've moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts"
If you have never turned away from you children and uttered the words "What a complete Idiot" Bravo,you sir/mam are the Jesus of parenting.
Hey baby, you got an inhaler? Because you got dat Ass-ma.
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can
How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to spin the ladder."
What are the consequences of smoking weed? The reefercussions
miscarriages You know what they say about women who've had miscarriages. They lose their inner child.
A third-party vote walks out of a bar... He says "Wow, I'm wasted."
What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster? The rooster says "cock-adoodle-do" whereas the prostitute says "any cock'll do"
This election has been a bit like watching porn... The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.
New York City is the only place where sound travels faster than light. I always hear the horn before the light turns green.
It's always Sunny in Florida Until the filthy Shia move into the neighborhood.
How do you get an elephant out of a Safeway? You take the '*F*' out of '*Safe*', and the '*F*' out of '*way*'.
I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
If Jack helps you off a horse... Would you help jack off a horse?
I stuck a firecracker up the cats butt! Mommy: Tommy, it's rectum. Tommy: I'll say it rectum! It blew 'em all to hell!
the (please) fresh (lead) deli (me) sandwiches (into) at (woods) Walgreens (and) are (shoot) actually (me) pretty (in) good (head)
I was going to tell a joke about my broken pencil, but there is no point...
What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
"Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger sings "eh you, get offa mai cloud", but the Scottish farmer says "eh McLeod, get offa mai ewe!
What's the difference between a dog barking at the front door and a woman screaming at the back door? If you let the dog in, it will shut up.
I can't believe how parents leave their children in hot cars...... Some people aren't meant to have kids.
What do you call a Tumblr user who identifies as a device which inflates a tire? A pumpkin!
What does the bumper sticker say on Caitlyn Jenner's car? My Other Penis is a Vagina
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Just one, actually. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
What is the proper way to parallel park? Park somewhere else.
I've made the front page 5 times! The girls on /r/creepyPMs are really mean and don't understand the P means Private.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Syria is wherever the Syrians are in Europe
What's the difference between voicing your opinion on reddit and getting gang raped? In one at least you get some sex out of it.
What's the difference between a midget chess team and a ladies track team? One is a group of cunning little runts.... the other is a group of running little C^#@$
I'm addicted to brake fluid... ....but I can stop whenever I want.
My sister while kneading dough: "This hand workout dough!"
I just got a job crushing cans... It's soda-pressing.
INTERESTING FACT: The song "Hurt So Good" was written after John Mellencamp ate too much delicious Mexican food.
What did the left leg say to the right leg? Between me and you, we need a haircut. (I got this from some UK magazine years ago)
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city ME: So long, suckers! *hops in city and drives away* MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
"Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs, snakes, spiders and rugby players bite." How Aussie parents tuck their kids into bed at night.
Computers are like women At first you cherish them with all your love. Then, as time goes on you become more careless. Until one day you realize... *You have a virus*
Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.
I got an idea for a 90's Mustard Commercial joke but I need some help, so let me ask properly. Pardon Me, but do you have any Grey Poop Puns?
I tripped over a bra last night, do you think it was a boobie trap?
What do you call two bananas? Slippers
How did the handyman feel after going to the bar? He was hammered.
Do not use "Whoomp! There it is!" unless it actually is there.
Why did the Lebo die? Cause he was fullllly sik m8.
So, wanna hear a miscarriage joke? Never mind, I lost it...
There's a very thin line between having your foot out of the covers enough to stay cool but not enough so it gets eaten by monsters.
Do you think Earth makes fun of the other planets... ...because they have no life?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Axel ! Axel who ? Axel grease !
If this guy calls me "sweetie" one more time I SWEAR I'll continue to pleasantly smile and nod.
Newspapers The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours. In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive
Business trip The wife asked me, "When you're away on a business trip, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[presentation] GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that's our plan for the next year. Any questions? ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
A scientist comes over to test the pigs of a farmer who smokes weed... They were all pot-bellied pigs.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news? -the baby walked! wife: OMG where is he? -i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
California is getting so much rain right now... ...that even Caitlyn Jenner is getting wet.
I'm going to name my first daughter karma, Being a bitch already runs in the family.
What are nuts on a wall? NSFW Wallnuts. What are nuts on a chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts on your chin? Dick in your mouth!
Kids are scared to pour vinegar in their cups because BAKING SODA. BAKING SODA. I GOT BAKING SODA
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can't believe that he did it. I wasn't even sick.
Duh There are three types of people in this world. Those who can add up, and those who can't
Ahhh, Christmastime... Is my favorite time of year. It's the only time of the year that my wife isn't griping at me to take down the Christmas lights.
No wonder hell finally froze over for the Cubs... ...because the devil left to be President
Hi, is your resort child friendly? Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation? *hangs up
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? Wasabi?
I do NOT trust my bowels... I just think they're full of shit _
Do you have something against black people?!?!!? Yes, an alarm system.
If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved
Why did Matthew Arnold go swimming before writing Dover Beach? Before writing the poem, he felt he had to do some sole-searching.
What goes "Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG, clip clop, clip clop"? Amish drive by shooting.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I just heard "on avarage, there are 7 people in the world that look similar to you" omg bless you all, I hope you're all okay, I'm so sorry
How do you always keep your shoes tied? Replace the laces with earphones.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cyprus ! Cyprus who ? Cyprus the bell !
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
A yoga teacher was murdered... ...they're saying it was premeditated.
Kleptomaniac, frustrated Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?" He couldn't take a joke.
Two monkeys having a bath Two monkeys are about to have a bath. The first monkey says "Oo oo ah ah ah!" The second says "Just put some more cold water in it..."
[Safari hunt] (Ok don't tell them I'm an elephant) *Adjusts hat and shades* "Elephant?. Yes that way." *Points with trunk*
What do you call a black person who smokes? An e-cigger. I'm going to hell for thinking of this.
Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they're in for the rest of that day.
A 450lb man just hit on me... I tried to let him down as gently as possible... But I'm no forklift.
Where is Benedict Arnold's favorite place to shop for groceries? Traitor Joe's
The worst part of kissing a perfect 10.... is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
I caught my girlfriend giving a midget a blowjob... ...I can't believe she'd stoop that low.
Good thing Brazil won...otherwise I'm pretty sure they would've just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
sorry for my absence, i've been hiding inside my head
Timothy's mom has three children. The first one's name is April. The second one's name is June. What is the third child's name? Timothy.
what's the difference of Batman and a black-man? batman can go to shop without robin.
I knew this guy who would ask men at church, "is your tie made out of bird cloth?" &lt;blank stare&gt; "It's cheep, cheep, cheep."
How's your day been? Grape!
I'm not all that concerned about Celine Dion's recent losses. I'm pretty sure her heart will go on.
It's not on a map, or some app. MILLER LIGHT
I'm not sexist... Because that's wrong and being wrong is for women...
Where does a Mexican store his food? Hispantry
Rumour has it Eminem has converted to Islam. From now on, he will call himself "Muslim Shady."
If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says "LMAO," it stands for "let's murder Albanians overseas" and he wants his daughter back.
Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo.
What should you call a bald teddy ?  Fred bear !
Do you know why nobody ever talks about womansplaining? If you don't know why then there is no reason for me to tell you.
What's a foot long and slippery? A Slipper. :D
What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked
I don't believe in gender equality because there are just some things I'm not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Hey are you from Gryfindor? Great. Can I Slytherin?
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram
What's it called when two perfectionists sleep together? Anal sex.
What do you call a field used to grow bows and arrows? An archerd.
What led to the discovery of gravitational waves? A simple game of hopscotch: Me v. Yo Mama
I was going to join the debating team... ...but someone talked me out of it.
Did you hear about the romantic comedy that has a cast consisting only of Vine stars? They've already announced the title: "P.S. I Got 'Eem".
What is a shitzu? A zoo with no animals.
A woman was on trial for murdering her husband with his guitar. The judge asked, "First offender?" She replied, "No. First it was the Gibson, then the Fender."
What do you call an Egyptian back-doctor? A Cairo-practor.
With apologies to books, tits are way better.
My wife tried to make antimatter in the kitchen But she ran out of counterspace
Looking forward to the time when my level of awkwardness becomes socially acceptable.
I came here for... ...funny jokes in the comments.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is? T: No-[sees it's almost 3 pm] Magic
What's the procrastinator's favorite song? "Tooomorrow, tomorrow, I love yah, tomorrow.." (You're always a day away)
What do you call a politician with premature ejaculation? A one-pump Trump
Dear future self, No, you weren't robbed. You left your house like this. Sincerely, You, you dumb slob.
Breakup My girlfriend told me she was breaking up with me over the phone yesterday, I don't know why I could hear her just fine on my side.
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry around an umbrella? Fo drizzle
A Wheelchair Basketball Game I was at a wheelchair basketball game, and the announcer told everyone to "Please rise for the pledge." The ironic thing was that all the players were veterans.
Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a pooh
What do you call a dog with no legs? You don't, you go get it
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.
There are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand hexadecimal, F the rest.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part* *Turns to GF* "You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code"
Bank manager: I'm sorry sir you can't open an account with this sort of money. They're wooden pieces!  Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
Smokey the Bear just told me that only *I* could prevent forest fires. This is a lot of pressure, people.
Where can you find a mormon horse? Salt Lick City.
What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer? A Tattoo.
/r/jokes in a nutshell... Why did the police officer arrest the pop machine? It was selling coke.
UGH, I was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then my wife called to say she'd be home.
What do you call a guy with a 2 inch penis? Justin.
My music teacher was arrested for sticking his dick through a sheet of music Apparently, it's illegal to have sex with A minor
Do you know why Dead Baby jokes never get old? Because they die so young.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They can't change anything.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
what does r/jokes and the big bang theory have in common it's not funny 90% of the time
Do you like pudding? Bill Cosby liked pudding his dick where it didn't belong.
Optimus Prime partially clothed ... Semi-nude.
What would happen if all of the mass in the universe turned into energy? The universe would be light.
My girlfriend wanted me to go to yoga with her the other day. I waved her off and said "Nah 'ma stay."
*gets on 1 knee* Me: I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but will you marry me? Her: Please get off my knee
Have you ever tried eating your watch? It's time consuming
Her: Where ya been? Me: At the cemetery. Her: Someone dead? Me: Yeah. All of them.
My sister just had a baby and she seems to have forgotten all about my problems.
Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Cats get a pass bc they're "Cleaning themselves". Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!
They're creepy and they're kooky, Mysterious and spooky, They're all together ooky The Twitter Family *click click*
You can tell by a woman's feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients are trying to rest, could you please turn down your television.
If a Norwegian robot... If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Damn girl, are you a Muse song? Because on the outside you're ablaze and alive, but you're dead inside.
Clueless boyfriend walks into publix to buy condoms. Can't find them. Finally goes in the right aisle. Proceeds to have sex. Publix: where shopping is a pleasure... ...or lack there of.
It's so weird to think that nothing before the invention of pics happened.
eBay's search feature can be so useless sometimes and other times be equally worthless with overkill. I tried to look up cigarette lighters and they had 13,749 matches.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Why was Disney's massage parlor so successful? Everybody gets a happy ending.
What was Prince's greatest "Hit?" Purple Vein
I'm making a documentary... I'm making a controversial documentary that reveals decades of covered-up sexual misconduct in youth tennis programs across the country. It's called *15 - Love*.
Your tombstone should be carved in Comic Sans.
did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater? It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit! waaaaaaka waka.
States are like butts No one likes the flat ones.
What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? The codpiece he made out of his girlfriend's face.
How much is 5Q and 5Q? 10Q. "You're welcome.  "
Some idiot put a water bottle in the Pringles can holder of this treadmill.
What did the gay guy say to Pinocchio? Lie to me motherfucker.
Crouch down and lean forward. That's how I roll.
every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day but every year you pass your death day and have no clue
A Boston Marathon runner was asked about his experience. He said it was a blast.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
How to propose marriage: 1. Drive to bridge 2. Jump off
What do you call a combination of a joke and a rhetorical question?
Women are like a swimming pool... considering the money you spent on it and the time you spend in it
It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody... that sorta thing.
And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life" But john came fifth and won a toaster
A tale of two tomatoes. Once there were two tomatoes crossing a street when a car hit one of them. The one not hit turns around and says nothing due to the shock he had seeing his friend die.
When does a cub scout become a boy scout? When he eats his first brownie.
What do you call post-modern Persians? PomIranians
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie? Stephen Hawking doesn't walkie or talkie.
A computer programmer was asked if he used Java or something else. After a short pause, he replied "Yes."
Did you hear about the new Fiber One bars? Apparently nobody gives a shit.
Why can't Jesus eat pizza? Because he doesn't exist.
What do the average woman and kids on a snow day have in common? They're both hoping for nine inches, but will be happy enough with five.
Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.
6.9 is worse than 69 because... it's interrupted by a period.
What kinds of clothes do protons wear? Plus sizes!
I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.
That uncomfortable feeling when... You're at the doctors office getting your prostate checked and notice both of the doctor's hands on the table next to yours.
How is God just like a regular man? If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.
Find out why i'm changing the colour of my house lamps You'll see me in a different light after this
I like my KitKat like I like my girls: Two at once.
What will a blind, deaf child with no arms get for Christmas? Cancer.
If you get ash on your clothing don't brush it off, blow ot off. Otherwise you'll just rub it in.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Never date a tennis player Love means nothing to them
Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.
Yes, it is. Is time travel possible?
Lady next to me in the hospital waiting room told me she has diarrhea. I must have one of those "tell me if you have diarrhea" faces.
Outsmarting Teacher PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Why did the Crip cross the road? Cuz.
What do you call a Car Bomb shot with a shot of Fireball? A Paul Walker.
Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She's a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.
On this Fourth of July, just remember... He who comes forth with a fifth on the Fourth, may not come forth on the Fifth.
People keep complaining about 'Let it Go'... The song never bothered me anyway.
I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.
Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold. Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..
Morrissey has cancer I know, I know, it's serious.
What's the difference between me and a calendar? The calendar has dates *sigh*
Accidentaly switching two letters... ...can completely urin a sentence.
Reddit: I'm looking for some offensive jokes, lets hear em! It doesn't matter if you or I are offended, only that SOMEONE is offended.
The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street. I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?" Classic Denzel.
noah's google search history: "wat is arc" "why would god want circle segment" "arc or ark" "how many animals" "5,000,000 x 2" "is god real"
A priest and a nun walk into a bar. The priest says "Can I get a drink?" The nun says "I got your drink right here". o_o
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama's visit. This is ridiculous. Just because he's black doesnt mean he'll steal anything. Racists!
My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why.
A skeleton walks into a bar The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop
I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.
Why can't dinosaurs talk? Because they're all dead.
For all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's
What does a girl from Kentucky say after sex? Git off me Pa. You crushin ma Copenhagen
I had a threesome planned for Valentines Day... There were a couple of no-shows, but I had a good time anyway.
What is the worst place to have the "you break it, you buy it" rule? The pet store
Dolphins don't do anything by accident.. Always on porpoise.
"How high are you! ?" demanded the officer. "No Officer, it's "Hi, how are you?"." replied the kid.
Read about this horrible guy who was a racist and a paedophile At least some of the kids are safe
How do you spell that? t-h-a-t
My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.
I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.
In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?" Dad: "I'll have a blind coke." Waiter: "I'm sorry?" Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."
Why was Han solo so suspicious after sticking his dick in Princess Leia for the first time? ...it was Luke warm.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned. I almost dropped my Walkman.
Two fish are in a tank One says to another, "I'll drive. You shoot."
I can go from 2 to 0 testicles in 1.0 spiders.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, if you can get 'em in there.
hey wat was lenard nimoys favorite pet william ratner his rat
My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
i put the "alcohol" in "me"
What do you call a retarded psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at-large!
What did the pirate say when he walked into the brothel? arggg! thar she blows
England 1 - 2 Iceland Credits to Iceland though, can't take that away.
In Episode III, why did Obi Wan not finish Anakin off after their duel? Because Anakin was unarmed.
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that.
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don't have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
What's the best part about bangin' twenty six year olds? You get to meet Jared Fogel.
Camping. Or as I like to call it: "White people playing homeless."
Reddit is down? Now where will 9gag get all of its content?
Why did the Mexican food go to counseling? It wanted to taco bout his feelings
A sadist joke I thought-up today at 2:20PM Q: Where do happy sadists come from? A: A Sadist-factory! get it? get it?
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't budget.
After countless scientific trials and errors, I have successfully turned back time. It's emit.
What does Charles Darwin use to moisturise his skin? Evo-lotion.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
How does a grizzly catch fish? With his bear hands!
I don't know how well Fast &amp; Furious 8 will do in the box office I mean, without Paul Walker, it'll probably just crash and burn, really.
The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men...
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall. I'm not sentimental. I'm just sick of tripping over them.
(NSFW) What do crocs and a blow job from a dude have in common? They both feel good until you look down.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the pizza guy? Make me one with everything.
I went to vegetarian restaurant the other day... I falafel afterwards.
Did you know 94% of Fords are still on the road? The other 6% made it home.
Did you hear about the Navy hangar that doubles as a church? It's a house of warship
Have you seen stieve wonders house? -niether did he
riding that line between i wish i didn't have to eat to live and food is the only thing that comforts me
I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
I don't understand how Elvis got so fat He ate nothing but a hound dog
A blind guy walks into a bar.... and a table...and a stool...and a door
Only 4 percent of Texas residents think there is an immigration problem... The other 96% said "que dijo?"
Q:Why doesn't ed have a girlfriend? A: because she ran
I just heard about a cannibal who passed a missionary on the jungle trail.
What does a ninja use to measure someone's pulse A **stealthoscope**
Did Pinocchio catch fire when he masturbated?
A grasshopper goes into a bar... and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Phil?"
It's not Adam and Steve, it's Adam and [Cher autotune voice] beli-EVE *club goes crazy*
What is Jesus' favorite mathematical operation? The Cross Product
Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have a brother or sister? Monica Lewinsky swallowed them.
How do you kill a German? Put them in front of a red light in the middle of the desert.
What is the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would NEVER drop a bag of cocaine.
It's too tight Girl:Its 2 tight Boy:Dont worry,Ill do it slowly, Gal:Push it in, Boy:Ah..I cant, Gal:Its painful, Boy:Forget it. . . . . Well buy new WEDDING RING!
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass Satisfying
Anyone know any good "walks into a bar" type jokes?
One man including myself thinks I am funny. I came up with this a minute ago.
Whenever someone says "I don't have a horse in that race" I respond with "You don't have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes."
What does L in Samuel L. Jackson stand for? Motherfucker. (from somewhere in YouTube comments)
10 ways to cut down on click bait! 1. Don't click 2. Don't click 3. Don't click 4. Don't click 5. Don't click 6. Don't click 7. Don't click 8. Don't click 9. Don't click 10. Don't click
Whats the difference between a Pimple and a Catholic Priest? One will wait until you're 13 to come all over your face.
Cheese and schizophrenia -Which cheese is schizophrenic? -Halloumi
Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists.
An elderly woman was at the doctor's office... She asked why she was so sore all the time. He replied, jokingly, "A dissipated youth?" She replied, "I wish I could remember him!"
If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.
Sorry I didn't reply to your text, I just couldn't find a response that would keep you from sending another
The abusive relationship that I'm in is such a joke I spend everyday waiting for the punchline.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
"Upscale" sounds like a euphemism for "fat."
Any salad is a caesar salad if you stab it enough. Repost from r/showerthoughts
What did the baby corn say? what did the baby corn say to momma corn? where is popcorn.
Your ex is posting passive-aggressive spiritual memes again
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone but you.
How is your first car like anal? You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway.
Sleeping with your girlfriend is like sleeping in a no camping zone. You want to get comfy,but you can't risk pitching a tent. Was bored
What did the brain dead guy have for breakfast? Comatoast!
Why didn't they let Voldermort play quidditch? ...because he'd always just Slytherin the grass.
There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant... ...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.
I bet if Jimmy cracked YOUR corn you'd care, you selfish son of a bitch.
I like my women like I like my alcohol..... Rubbing.
Why can you always trust Frankenstein's monster? He's got somebody else's back, he could probably handle yours.
Every time you talk to your wife, you should remember that 'This conversation will be recorded for quality and training purposes.'
Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated aarrrh.
Do you know how do you spell Mississippi with one I? *Covers left eye* M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I
I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea It was a dishonorable discharge
Calculus derives me crazy!!
No, YOUR illiterate.
Odo walks down the alley and turns into a bar.
Girls are of two types.... Girls are of two types: 1. Boring 2. Interesting Boring are the ones who use umbrella even in sunlight; And Interesting are the ones who forget Umbrella at home during rain!
Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created.
Why did the snowman start smiling Because he saw the snow blower coming
What do you call a redneck girl who can run faster than her brothers? A virgin.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
When life gave them lemons, the people at countrytime still decided to make artificial bullshit instead of actual lemonade.
Anyone who says "Let's all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I'm starting a secret society for people who have been banned from other secret societies. It's called The Illuminaughty. (Don't tell anyone, though. It's a secret.)
A coworker told me she was "catching up on her correspondence" so apparently it's 1932 here at my workplace.
Every time a baby gets named Shaniqua, a job opens up somewhere.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not," and vanishes.
Why are jewish potion makers all male? He brew
Stop sending toys to children in Africa It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.
Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and  Christmas??? You're lucky with us it's any Sunday."
I heard something about a Finding Dory Trailer being released today, but I forgot...
I can't think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.
What did Ronda Rousey's face look like after her fight with Holly Holm? It was all broused up!
Guy to a friend, "I just got a new job" Friend "oh yeah doing what?" Guy "fucking your mom, it's got good health benefits"
What do you call people waiting in line for Vietnamese soup? Pho queue.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that'll make you sweat. Me: *applies for a loan*
You're missing the point and possibly a chromosome...
Wife: I can't find my phone Me: Want me to call it? Wife: Sure, I - Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person's noticed mine's a calculator.
What do we want? A cure for Tourettes! When do we want it? dejbxwsishcuntbxwddhiqxbjsbjx!
Just got a $14 haircut at Great Clips because I'm worth it goddamnit.
If storks bring human babies what bring monster babies? Cranes.
What do you call a huge pile of kittens? A meowntain!
Pristine coke and high class whores... It's all fun and games at Robot Wars
Waiter this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir thats because it was only ground this morning.
I like my women like my shoes... Black, size thirteen and I pick them up at Walmart.
What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson? One was shot for playing with little children.
If I lived in Alabama, I'd name my daughter, 'Banjo-lina".
What begins with P and ends with orn? Popcorn, of course!
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
How do you get "Dick" from "Richard"? You ask him nicely
First witch: Here's a banana if you can spell it. Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don't know when to stop.
Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
Me: "Can you go back four slides?" Bride: "To the wedding dress?" Me: "No, the cheese plate." Me: Wipes tears.
What if horses rode horses? And then THOSE horses rode MORE horses? Then it's like, whoa dude! Check out that big stack of horses!
I just flew into town... and boy are my arms tired from furiously masturbating on the airplane
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son's legos and built him a new one. I'm such a giver
I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix... Anybody got a punch line?
I want to make a film about a group of friends dealing with their classmate becoming a pop star. Britney's Peers
Someone once told me, "GO FOR BROKE" !! I'm happy to report that I succeeded...
You know all those things that "Have been shown to cause cancer in the state of California"? Seems they prove the state of California causes cancer.
Whenever I'm about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had He started counting, but fell asleep.
How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart? By taste.
If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton
Here's a joke. Sex. I know. I don't get it either
No one got screwed worse than male ladybugs.
Why does Wall Street call Hillary "Hillary Vuitton" instead of "Hillary Clinton" ? Because they know she's in the bag ...
The other day the lifeguard told me to stop peeing in the pool... I got such a fright I nearly fell in.
What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro sinko
What do you get when you shoot a Mexican Golfer A hole in Juan
How does a Jew make his coffee? Hebrews it
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead. -Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs."
What's a Mexican's favourite letter? C. LOL! I heard this at work today, top fucking bantz!
Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice
Little Tommy took a drink But he will drink no more. For what he thought was H2O Was H2SO4
Brushed my teeth before my breakfast and now my vodka tastes funny. :(
This humid weather reminds me of New York in the 80's Muggy.
What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out
What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? ... He nuts and bolts.
Bar joke Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says "wow that's cool. Where did you get that?" The parrot says Africa. .
Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.
Yo momma so fat, when she wants to take a bath... She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water.
What do you call a Muslim abortion clinic? Counter-terrorism
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
What do Donald Trump and Pokemon have in common? The only thing they can say are their name and random bullsh**.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was "mean to him" I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
How many friend-zoned guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just sit around and compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year old? Eric Clapton wouldn't drop a bag of cocaine out a window
I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression. Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.
I have a work fetish I never come too late.
Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old ? Six weeks old !
I don't believe in soul mates, unless we're talking about two Australian friends listening to Aretha Franklin.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That's why I changed my name to "New Ham Sure"
Why do the sharks only swim in salt water? ......because they would sneeze in pepper water.
Every time I see anteaters in a restaurant, they always order the same thing.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? I heard they woke him up!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
((speaking too close to the microphone at press conference)I have never watched a single episode of the Teletubbies. They look like fools
Cinderella was arrested for sexual assault... She was found sitting on Pinocchio's face screaming, "Lie you bastard"
I didn't vote for Trump, but at least Now I get to find out how He's going to Build That Wall and make Mexico pay for it.
[getting pulled over] Me: R u a bear cop? Bear cop: Is that a problem? Me: As long as you're not a maul cop *mauls me for bad pun*
It turns out there actually was a strand of Marijuana that killed millions of people in the seventies It was called Pol Pot.
Knock Knock... Knock Knock. Who's there? Statue. Statue who? STATUE KNOCKIN' ON MY DOOR? Thank you.
The Chinese New Year sure is a lot less ryanseacresty.
What do you call a kinky secret society? Illumi-naughty.
Why is it hard for old people to have sex? You ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese?
She sells sea shells, to multi-national oil drilling companies who use them as their logo, by the sea shore.
A chinese tiger mom asks her daughter a question about her future: Erizabeth, you stirr want to be a doctoh right? Her daughter replies: No, actuary...
What do ghosts drink for Halloween? BOOOOZE!
You can say what you want about pedophiles... but at least they drive slowly thru school zones
Jumper cables walked into a bar Bartender said I'll serve you but you better not start anything!
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy! Me: Oh ok then 2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy! Me: huh? 2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
What do you call a criminal dwarf on an escalator? A little con-descending
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she's surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Knock knock. Who's there? Mormons.
I used to be a cock sucker, then I took an arrow to knee.
Arnold Palmer has died... I heard that he will be half buried and half cremated.
*Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*
Drugs have taken me to some really dark places in my life... Seriously, like really poorly lit crack houses
What do a moped and a fat chick have in common? Both are fun to ride but you'd never want your friend to catch you on one.
What difference does an "A" make? Between NASA and NSA--it's astronomical.
What's so great about nihilism? Nothing.
"He's more scared of you than you are of him" - Girl coaching her friend into talking to me
A moderator walks into a bar.., [removed]
How did Sarah Palin see Russia from her house? She didn't, it was just an Aleutian.
I'm beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
"I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service." "Dude this isn't email I'm standing in front of you."
My friend had to step in as the lead of Little Shop of Horrors at the last second. He was Suddenly Seymour.
If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"? "Cliche jokes".
Two guys are talking about their family histories... GUY 1: Hey, I heard you're Einstein's distant cousin. GUY 2: I'm not sure, really. It's just a theory of relativity.
What do you call a Jewish Deer? Half a buck
What do you call an asshole horse rider? A Jerk-ey.
Never Drink Alone Thats why I Skype with people when I'm drinking.
My friend just had a baby. He ordered it online from the Taiwanese black market.
I'm agender and that gender is male
How do you tell the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant? AIDS.
What's a pirate's favorite favorite letter? You'd think its R but it's actually the C
How do you catch a bear? First, dig a large bear-sized hole. Then, burn up some paper and fill the hole with ash. Lastly, kick the bear in the ash-hole.
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.
There's a problem I have with breastfeeding in public. They never wink back.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve food."
Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure.. Because I wanna drop a baby in you
What's the Syrian girl doing on the swing? Pissing off the sniper
Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it...
What do you say to a burn victim if you pour acid on them? Woops, tee hee.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me
The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so gross." I told her to "respect its culture."
What do you call it when a gay man is taking a poop? Filling a bowl of fruity pebbles.
Diet - day 1: I have removed all bad food from the house...it was delicious.
What is hot and makes me hard? Being covered in lava.
I went to a mock trial recently and I was really disappointed. I didn't get to mock anyone.
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said.      The other man replied, "No, just taking a shit."
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A fish.
Me: My body is a temple Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties? Me: It's a temple to Dionysus
Why are there no black CIA agents? Because you'd never be able to convince him to help the massive drug smuggling conspiracy that's shipping cocaine into his family's neighborhood.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn't stop staring at me. Oh...wrong toilets.
Some people are like base model cars, you can see the spots where all the normal stuff should be, but it's just never been installed.
In an effort to improve customer service, Best Buy will now punch each customer in the face as they walk through the door.
What did the music thief do in college? Take notes.
A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.
How do you get a blonde on the roof? Say the drinks are on the house
Given the species' reputation, you'd think Bugs Bunny would have more relatives.
What did the college junior say just before her toe was cut off? NO PLEASE DON'T CUT OFF MY TOE!
What do you call a policeman with a thing for MLP? A clop cop.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I don't want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I finally figured out what every woman wants. It's security. Thats what they are yelling everytime I talk to them.
It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
You don't really know someone until you get drunk with them.
Why aren't there more jokes about Jim Jones? I think it's because usually the punchline is too long
What's the similarity between a burned pizza and parents? If it's black it won't give you any food
A leaf blower, but for people.
My girlfriend has a twin I asked for a threesome once and amazingly she said yes! Not only was her twin better looking but he was an all round great guy as well
What do you call a guy having phone sex? Hard of hearing
What do Kermit the Frog and David Cameron Have in Common? They both like to pork.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why are there no headache pills in Troy? Cause Paracetamol
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
What's the difference between a pizza and a bass player? The pizza can feed a family of four.
AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series
I hired a PR team. They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people. I executed the PR team.
I went to the Reddit hotel The host wasn't responding.
Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time? Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.
J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god
Why did the post office get sued? For Mail-Practice!!
87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.
A cow fell off a truck in Russia They say he hadn't been Put in properly.
Considering how badly Asians drive, I got to thinking. Maybe Pearl Harbor was an accident.
If I had access to time travel, I'd use it to go back and cash in on some of those naps I was always refusing as a kid.
What do you a great Jewish cook Hitler
What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua?  A short one!
I drank 2 energy drinks to keep me aware while I drive but the only thing I'm aware of now is how many inanimate objects have jazz hands.
Saw a man at the beach yelling "HELP! SHARK! HELP!!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
How do you keep a homosexual in suspense... ...ill tell you later.
Q: What did the leopard say when it ate the man? A: That hit the spot.
When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo... I had to put my foot down.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet
What's yellow and black that makes you laugh? A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.
With the Germany  Argentina final on the way, we will finally know which one of the two Popes is God's favorite.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she's traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
A blind guy and a homeless man walk into a bar... The blind guy says to the bum, "I'm drunk, what's your excuse?" ...My attempt at a "walks into a bar" joke...
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards !!!
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
2 penises went to watch a movie.. Penis 1: Is this an adult film? Penis 2: Why? Penis 1: Then we have to watch it standing up. P.S. - xD I'm sorry, this just came to me..
Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
What company spent over $6.2 billion in buying Viagra? Microsoft
A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing
A cowboy walks into a gay bar... He says to the bartender, "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls." The bartender replies "Moo?"
What's the difference between anal sex and oral sex? Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don't have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren't going well you can just fly home.
How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day in January? He goes into the barn and slips into a warm Jersey.
I like my women like my heroin Smuggled in a tiny box from South East Asia
I recently did a survey on Syria. The results blew me away.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar. Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck? A: Trying to save both faces.
Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine."
Eating pussy is like subway eat fresh.
Loltard: Someone who uses 'lol' too much.
I watched "The Edge of Tomorrow" hundreds of times there seems to be an awful lot of alternative endings though.
What did woody and buzz say to your mom? "Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."
I was trying to write an essay about the jews in World War II.. But I just couldn't concentrate.
Why did the goal post get angry? Because the bar was rattled!
u chill bro? u enlightened bro? u got the secret bro? u feel the oneness bro? u transcendental bro? u alive bro?
Minimum Wage, Maximum Rage: The life of a Twitter opinion haver
The England cricket team...
Why couldn't the bike stand up? It was too tired.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I should have gone to see the optometrist I can't anymore
Accidental dick pics can happen I once accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. It was embarrassing and cost a fortune in stamps.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? YOUR MOMMA!
I don't understand romantic movies, why waste all that time with the complicated, man-hating main character when her slut friend is cuter.
Whats the resemblance between a prostitute and bungee jumping? You enjoy them both untill the rubber snaps.
dude you're gonna need to take me home tonight i can't drive like this "bro this is hi-c orange lava burst" iim a lightweight ha ha
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
How many members of an identifiable group does it take to perform a common task? A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.
Egyptian fisherman what did the egyptian fisherman say to the other egyptian fisherman after his wife had died? I'm in de-nile
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion ? Because he was out standing in his field :)
A peeping tom fell out if a tree, where did he end up? In the ICU
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
Why are almost all brides dresses white? So the dishwasher matches the washing machine
I just had my iPhone stolen. I wish I thought of this before. Best way to prevent iPhone theft? Make it look like a BlackBerry.
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch... ... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our penises different?" The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an erection."
What restaurant does a fast food worker/hacker work at? HackDonalds.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
What do you call a mexican who's lost his car? Carlos.
Do you think Apple's next phone will be a 6S?
Movie about internet Too slow
What do you call it when a neurologist is found embezzling and he later runs away? A Fraudian slip.
The other day I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? And then it hit me.
What do you call people migrating to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners.
Want to hear a joke about a jump rope? Nah let's just skip it.
What do you get when your cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? 'Ell if I know!
I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be But I can trust my Vegas bookie and will be talking to him in October
In five-card poker, six-high beats a pair...
What do the Irish hate more than potatoes? No potatoes.
What did the two narwhals say at midnight? Nothing, they just baconed.
What is an architects favorite movie? Angles in the Outfield
Alright let's hear them. Your best and favorite knock knock jokes. Me: I have a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it. Person: Knock knock Me: Who's there
What did the the physiatrist say to the electron You have a lot of negative energy built up
He took me from a bar. He took me in his car....... He took me from a bar. He took me in his car. He took my top off. He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!
*puts arm around you* You've been burned before but, you're safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl. *steals your pizza*
I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Cause it was dead
I want a pen pal! Like a pen I can really talk to.
So I told my dad a joke about Sandy Hook the other day. He didn't think it was funny I guess it's aimed at a younger audience.
What's the name of the operation to change a woman into a man? Addadictomy.
Damn girl, you must be drunk? Thats your puke your eating
Cashier: Hello Me: Is it me your looking for... I can see it in your eyes.. Cashier:... Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor... ...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating.
Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.
Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical I am appealing (-Stewart Francis)
What do you call an Iraqi bodybuilder? A Mosul man
How do elephants hide themselves in the jungle? They paint their testacles red and climb in a cherry tree. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys eating cherries.
-Trump's top agenda for his first 100 days in office : make everyone use "bigly" in conversations so he doesn't look like a fool for being the only one who uses this word .
My new toothpaste reminds me of the united states next president I can feel the burn
What do you call the death of a superior? A promotional opportunity.
[after an accident on the ski slope] ME: did i nail the triple backflip PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
What kind of a pitch did Sandy Koufax of the old Burger-lyn Dodgers have? A fastball - a sizzler.
You'll find there's truly so much beauty in the world if you'll just look at the right desktop wallpaper websites
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Why do some people love their VW diesel cars? Well, it's the official car of the New England Patriots after all.
How did Vikings send secret messages? By Norse code!
What's better than winning a Silver Medal at the Paralympics? Not being disabled.
What do you call an eagle that is sick? Illegal
It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Hey, did you hear about that hilarious joke on /r/Jokes? Neither did I.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
How do you get Lady Gaga attention? P-p-p-poke her face.
What's yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye? Bull dozer
If a pun is the lowest form of humor... Does that make a bun the lowest form of bread?
Black holes suck. Think about it.
Favorite tank of ISIS is IS-2
Why did the lobster blush? Because the see weed.
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find their mom? Because she is Trans-parent! (Not hate. Just a pun I thought of.)
A cat got run over A little boy told his teacher that his cat got run over its ass and the teacher said its thats terrible but its called a rectum. the boy said: rectum? it near killed him.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I hate when I'm checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Son asked me what an 'erection' was & somehow I referenced Pinocchio. So I either cured him of lying or launched his career as a politician.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Why was Mrs. Clause's stocking full on December 21st? Because Santa came early this year.
I can understand leaving a baby unattended-- but your phone!!
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they like to push two twins together to make a king. (Game of Thrones ref)
*Sniffs* "Spring in the air!" "Why should I?" *ba dum tss*
Did you hear about that brilliant Irish investor? His money just keeps Dublin
Rihanna should date Lebron... he never beats anyone.
Why did the cannibal go to KFC? He heard it was finger licking good.
Marriage is like a deck of cards At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond. By the end you just want a club and a spade
New procedure The hospital in my town is becoming pretty progressive and added a new procedure targeted towards transgender women, it's called addadicktome.
Just ran into a grammar fanatic out with whom I once made.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!! Said No Man Ever
Flight attendant: "will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?" Me: "yes" In my head: "No we're all gonna die"
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour's herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I feel like the length of my twitter name is juuuuuust wedging me out of many MANY #FF tweets #delusional
How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, crisp, and even.
Did you hear about the man who was murdered in an elevator? It was wrong on so many levels.
Hitting a bullseye requires a lot of practice, good aim, and running from angry, blind bulls.
What do women and rocks have in common? You can skip the flat ones.
I'm going to fire one of the guys that works at my mayonnaise factory. He keeps asking for a mayoRaise.
"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?" And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she'll be about 3 million years old.
Why are hurricanes always named after white people? Because white people destroy everything.
What kind of Bee is full of milk? A BooBee.
Me: Who could that be? It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock? Me: It depends on how they were raised...
Waldo books are cute until u learn he owes $100,000 in unpaid child support & is wanted for arson
Her: I think you're getting too into those Hobbit movies Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?
To all the philosophy majors out there... Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?
When someone replies late... If NASA can find a way to send an image of Pluto using that Hubble Space Telescope from 4.67 billion miles then why can't you message me?
Whats green and goes round and round at 100  miles an hour ? A frog in a blender !
Wanna hear a joke? My sex life...
It's not gay when it's a three-way... ...unless you're all guys. Then, it's pretty gay. I mean, in a good way. No judgment here. Really, enjoy yourselves.
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years. Its not like I have 2020 vision. Sad part is this joke is only good for another hour.
Hiroshima was making rice krispies long before Kellogs. I'm going to hell for this.
[at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past? *flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years* ME: totes
ME: I'd like to return a defective boomerang SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it? ME: I have no idea
Why did the twins have twice as many shirts as pants? Because they shared genes!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist..... but if you do, get the dental work first.
Did you guys hear about the old TV series "The Year"? It only had four seasons.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect. I'm still blushing.
I asked my coworker if I could see her tips. So that I could play with her nickels.
Yo mama jokes Here you can tell yo mama jokes
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
The man who invented Twister died this week. Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins.
Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? - A: When the door is open.
What do you call a sinking ship full of condiments? Sinko de Mayo
If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.
I was going to make a Pokemon joke But I decided Natu
The doctor told me I only had 2 years to live so I shot him The judge gave me 30 years.
Where are the cleanest bathrooms on college campuses? The women's bathrooms in the engineering building. Credit to /u/The_Messiah
An Xbox One got into a fight with a PS4 The ambulance came. Wii U Wii U Wii U.
What do you call a man with a very long, pointy penis? Lance. I'll see myself out.
What does a lawyer wear to work? A lawsuit!
He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.
Why did the three year old African boy buy a red convertible? He was having a midlife crisis.
I like movie reviews You always catch something new the second time
"I'm proud to be a black man" "I'm proud to be a black man!" said the black man. "I'm proud to be an Asian man!" said the Asian man. "I'm proud to be a white man!" said the racist.
The best curves on a girl is her smile.....Naw just kidding look at dat ass!
Touched by Jesus Great words to hear in church, not so great to hear in a Mexican prison.
(Me,after returning from exam) Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper? Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn't knew.
What do you do when you see a Flock of Seagulls? You run. You run so far away.
Told my mom "The D" stood for donuts, and now she won't stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.
I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday. I guess I'll never know why he so badly wanted an ex box.
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? fur traders
People are so wary of technology still. I grew up living directly under high power lines & only have 1 sentient mole that orders me to kill.
What do you call 2 Mexicans in a boat with a case of beer? A pinat
Today a man knocked on my door And asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? "I don't know why you're shaking, I'm the one about to be eaten!"
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
When is it ladyparts-grabbing time for Donald Trump? When the little hand is on the 10.
A coworker just asked if I had any "mouth water" and I am thoroughly confused by this
I used to work in children's wear, but I grew out of it.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids. I better get in there quick! She's gonna buy it all.
Why should aimless Christian musicians become sailors? Because if they've found Jesus, the only way they'll find resolution is at C.
Having a British girlfriend is tough They always leave you.
If you're gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent's birthday so they know why.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, Awesome, now we're both barking
NYC's New Year's sucked. They really dropped the ball this year.
What do you call it when you roofy a jello shot? A Bill Cosby.
What do you call two banana peels on the floor? Slippers
There are 10 types of people in the world: People who understand ternary, people who don't, and people who thought this was going to be the binary joke.
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months. It was part of the deal
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
In this election year, I'm buying shorter socks. Because I don't support Crews
Always the camel, never the toe.
Epitaph for a house cat: "She died as she lived..." "...chewing on power cords."
What kind of sex do you have twentyseven year olds? Any kind you want, there's twenty of them
What do you call Rihanna if she gets fat? A Rihanna Grande
ABC just proved that's it's true what they say about black guys... They really are the best at basketball!
The gay marriage referendum was just passed in Ireland. The number of married gay Irish couples will be Dublin.
A man sells his parachute... The man yells "Parachute for sale, used once, never opened!!"
A retired sergeant was asked: "Well how do you like civilian life?" "Terrible" he said gruffly "all those people around and nobody in charge!"
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that's the strongest password I can think of.
Burger King's full name is Burger Luther King Jr.
All these star wars spoilers are alderaan reasons to start a war
What would you call Tony Stark after a sex change operation? Fe Male
They should make the female swimmers wear a tube top & thong then maybe I'd finish before they did.
What's a bigger problem, ignorance or apathy? I don't know and i don't care.
I always pictured Madonna playing The Invisible Woman in those Fantastic Four films... ...she would've made a great Immaterial Girl.
Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!
What do you call a fish who works for the government? An Official.
A man's wife asks him: "Have you ever considered having a threesome with me for a change?" "To be honest, having twosomes with you would be already be a change"
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish... The results speak for themselves.
The Lady Artist by Andrew Pictures
I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was already a wrist injury But don't worry, I should be fine by Monday.
As I was leaving home to start a new life for myself across the country my mom said" Don't forget to write!" I thought "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill,isn't it?"
what do you call two crows on a branch? attempted murder
Why are black crimes hard to solve? Because they're all criminals and they look the same.
What do you call a Macho Man Randy Savage that does not belong to you? &gt;Nacho Man Randy Savage!!!!! this is my original content!!!!
What's the worst part about a potato famine? You can't get to the root of the problem.
I can't spell armugedon... But it's not the end of the world.
Q: What did the ghost say on December 25th? A: Scary Christmas!
What do you get when you sleep with someone and it goes really well? High sexpectations.
Confucius say... Man who run in front of car get tired.
They should make another Taken film about how unappreciative Neesons' family is for saving them every other day Taken 4: Granted.
What do you get when you ask for a Roman pinch hitter? An Italian sub!
I think my vibrator has Parkinson's.
This belongs on r/NoSleep Because will have no sleep doing their homework tonight.
My wife called me a "panty dropper." She said to be more careful with the laundry next time.
Bio joke time! What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his foot? Mitosis.
Did you hear about what happened to Henry Winkler He got Eyyyyyyyyyds
Why is it so windy in Texas? because New Mexico blows and Oklahoma sucks
What is the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom cant take a joke.
Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker? Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.
So my neighbour knocked on my door at 3am.. 3 AM! Can you believe that?! He was lucky I was still playing on my drumkit..
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your arse
My Uncle was fired for sleeping with one of his patients... The worst part is that he's a veterinarian. Lol just kidding, he's a pediatrician.
What did the gay guy, say to the man at the bar? Can I push your stool in?
Have you heard about the three Chinese virgins? Tu Yung Tu, Tu Dum Tu, and No Yen Tu.
I may be schizophrenic But at least I have each other
I patented the time machine But the judge keeps throwing it out based on prior art
What do the Japanese do during erections? They vote.
I ran into a fat guy on the way to work Luckily I bounced back
Tyfus applied for a job in a factory.  The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked "Have your eyes ever been checked?"  "No" said the worker. "They've always been brown."
Bernie Sanders to ban Oral sex if he becomes president.... "It's the only way I can get reddit to stop sucking my dick" - he said.
We are getting up there in age And my wife said to me, "My best attributes used to be my breasts, but they have been letting me down."
I love it when people use a hashtag at the end of a tweet to explain the tweet. #usingtheliterarydeviceknownassarcasmhere
Why do they call a horse a horse? Because they speak English.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass.
Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.
Me: Got a hot date this weekend? Coworker: Ummm...no. Me: I know. I was just reminding you. Coworker....
Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or "looking good" and call them Complimentos.
honey i shrunk the oreos just kidding they're mini oreos stop crying
What does 70 year old pussy taste like? Depends.
If I could be any super hero, I think I'd be Aluminium Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7, 8, 9, 11
Two atoms walking down the street ... ... one turns to the other and says "I think I've lost an electron". The other replies "F*ck me, a talking atom!"
Saw a sign that said "piso mojado" and all I could think about was . . how that piso just came here to do the work Americans pisos don't want to do.
Animals in Australia There are 2 kinds of animals in Australia: * Those that want to eat you * Sheeps
Not saying I'm desperate enough for a mail order bride, but did just check to see how much FedEx charges for 125 pounds from Krasnoyarsk.
They say don't drop the soap, they are right. You will slip on it and fall, I have first hand knowledge. Don't worry I'm fine, only a little drain bamage.
Girl meets boy Girl: What do you do for a living? Man: I work with animals. Girl: Aw, thats so cute! ... Man, 30yrs, butcher.
Terminator sequels are just dialogue from the first Terminator in different order.
I want my girlfriend to be a 10. Woops, bad typo, I didn't mean to put that "a" in the title
Why are eagles so hard to find? They're always in diskies
Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign? She was let down by a weak Constitution.
I had a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle, and it steel wooden whistle. But then I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle!
"Honey, you're not really nice to your son" "Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"
Life is like a box of chocolates... ...Nobody likes the dark ones.
What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer? An attornity.
What do you call a sugary werewolf? a glycan
Knock knock Who's there? A broken Pencil. A broken Pencil who? ..... Never mind its pointless
This girl tweeted "You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies." ...No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.
Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
What's ET short for? He's only got little legs
What is an autobiography? The life story of an automobile.
Records have revealed that Hitler had a "deformed micropenis"... A little ironic, since he's universally remembered for being a huge dick.
Enough is enough It's the exact same word
What is the difference between a Mountain Lion and a Guppy? A Guppy likes to muck around the fountain; a Lion likes to fuck around the Mountain.
Every time i hear a mean joke about canadians, i go to the hospital right away and get my feelings checked. ...For free...
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
some people call me strange but you can call me any time (  )
What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica? A rasta.
When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying "Good answer" like people on Family Feud.
There's an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.
I broke up with a tin of paint this week. I'm feeling pretty emulsional. (CREDIT TO MY MUM FOR THIS MASTERPIECE)
Why do famous and rich black people stay at the Ritz? Because they are sold out to crackers!
Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?
I want to start a subreddit to help people with Erectile Dysfunction... ..but I'm having trouble getting it up. ^*cringe*
[In Club] *slides up to girl on dance floor "This is my jam" *hands her a jar "I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more..."
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field
What is Santa's favorite type of cookie? Ask your dad.
I had sex with a campfire. It was hot.
My friend didn't like the fridge I got him for his birthday..... But you should've seen his face light up when he opened it.
Grammar Nazi. "Sir, we are mining too many useless cores" [Hitler rubs chin] "So, mine less. [Grammar Nazi bursts through the door] "MINE FEWER!" [Hitler looks up] "Yes, soldier?"
*whispers softly* "...is there a King Latifa"
I think my boss from flint is trying to poison me... Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.
What's the similarity between a match and a black person? You have to strike them against a rough surface to get them to work.
[First person to ride a horse] 'I'm going to sit on that thing and I don't care how angry it gets.'
I bet M. Night Shyamalan was really good the first time he had sex, then terrible every time after.
How do you know when your sister's on her period? NSFW When your dad's dick tastes like blood.
My friends keep telling me I'm too indecisive And I'm not sure how I feel about it.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
Q: What do flies wear on their feet? A: Shoos.
An Adam Sandler movie marathon is more difficult than a real marathon.
There was a pedophile being sought out by the community... Apparently saying "somebody please think of the children" was the wrong thing to say.
I always enjoy a book while sunbathing... As a result, I'm well-red.
This fat hate on reddit has been ridiculous lately. Come on, give them a break. They have enough on their plates already.
"70% of the people don't know how to use the superlative degree in English" That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
Why does the noble gas always cry? Because all his friends Argon.
I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.
Wanna hear an embarrassing story about the time I forgot something important? I forgot the punchline. Sorry, I haven't been this embarrassed since that one time.
What did the palestinians give Yasser Arafat when he died? A 21 stone salute!
Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter? They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!
A man entered 10 puns into a pun contest. When he called in to ask if any of his puns won the contest, the organizer told him, "No pun in ten did."
I wouldn't really mind being left to my own devices as long they were fully charged and there was WiFi.
The Cleveland Browns Thats it
Police vs Driver Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
What did the man ask the bush after being attacked by it? The man asked "Why did you attack me?" The bush replied "I am bush."
What is the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut is a girl who sleeps with everyone. A bitch is a girl who sleeps with everyone **except you**!
Frog in a car A frog is driving a car when it breaks down. So what happens? It gets toad away.
Nixon: "I bet you can't run a more scandal-ridden presidency than me" "Hold my beer" "Sure.. Wait this isnt beer"
My kid just asked me where Washington 3-D is, because she wants to see the presidents house...Now I can't decide if she's cute, or retarded.
If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys she's a slut. If I do the same thing then I'm gay
Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
There was a big water fall in usa I believe its still there
What sets apart anal sex and regular sex? Regular sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your hole weak...
The confused radioactive element So there was a radioactive element who was perpetually confused. One fine day, he was asked, "what do you do?". "IDK".
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house... It's actually just a mynah problem.
All music classes were banned at my school... They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins...
A partnerswitch? How about a partnerswitch? I'll bang your wife and give you a handjob after!
Due to a mix up my cat ended up in a beauty contest and not at the vet. To my surprise she apparently won some gimmick trophy for fluffiest butt. It was a real *catastrophe.*
Tiger Woods goes through 18 holes in one day... And he STILL has time for golf.
So apparently there's a team of refugees at the olympics this year. Do you reckon the Syrian refugees are on the rowing team?
He'd come off way less pretentious if he went by Daniel "Dave" Lewis.
what do u call a group of /r/atheists fedoration
Why does Donald Trump and illegal Mexicans have in Common? They're both not wanted by the Republican Party.
I just invented this new word! Plagiarism.
I like my slaves like I like my eggs. Beaten.
It Turns out Trump was right about 1 thing... Never send a woman to do a man's job! Bernie 2020!
Difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road? The dog had skid marks in front of it.
What did the alien say to the gardener? Take me to your weeder.
[math class] How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don't have feet? "By crawling to the counter?" GET OUT
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.
I haven't pooped in a couple weeks I'm not constipated, I'm just procrapstinating
Did you hear about the joke in /r/science? [+][deleted] 5 hours ago
How do you know if your little  brother is turning into a fridge ? See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth !
WAITER: Your honor, when I said "enjoy your meal" he said "you too" ME: it was a mistake JUDGE: he gets half your meal W: thanks J: you too
A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel on his belt buckle. The bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says "ARRGGHH! It's drivin' me nuts."
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..
nothing at all 1. test 1 2. test 2
Here's what I know about girls. If she's angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.
A blue man lives in a blue house, a red man lives in a red house, who lives in the white house? Donald Trump.
I can tell when my skincare puns make you cry by how moisturiser.
What's a storm trooper's favorite pollster? Pew! Pew! Pew!
Did you hear Willie Nelson got run over? He was playing on the road again.
"It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe
Whats the difference between a Mod and a cheat? Mods can be [deleted]
Fastest Bolt at the Olympics? Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work? IHOP.
When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
What's the best part about having multiple personality disorder? Banging your best friend's wife every night!
Do you have space... for my peepee in your butt?
What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? (you're mom can't take a joke)
Reddit is like the dentist. No matter what you're doing, it's wrong.
Why do Mexicans only cross the border in pairs? Because it says no TRESpassing.
why would you be a suicide bomber... And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now! Source: Jimmy Carr
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler... I woke up exhausted.
[wife walking in the door after work] WIFE: I had just had the worst... why are our kids in the dog cage? ME: a hello would be nice.
How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're too afraid of the electricity.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby All right stop, Collaborate and listen This frozen baby needs to see a physician
What hurts? When a man with a boner runs against a wall. And what is embarrassing? When his nose touches the wall first.
What's the most annoying thing someone can say? Nevermind.
One time I got drunk and took the bus... Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Our son brought weed to Show & Tell and the teacher sent him home with $50 pinned to his shirt.
Almost Is Never Enough Ariana Grande  VINE  Alyssa Light for link video : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjAa6GX8AXw
When I went scuba diving the guy gave me the wrong breathing gases, what an oxy moron.
I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning... I just think it's a waste of thyme.
RT = Retweet. PR = Paraphrased tweet. MR = Mangled tweet. Please know which one you are doing and use accordingly.
What's the difference between a group of crafty midgets and a jogging club comprised exclusively of women? The former is a band of cunning runts...
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Where does Santa go for a sexy carwash? One whore soap-and-sleigh!
Son: Dad I'm fucking serious! Dad: well I'm fucking your mother.
cop joke He got pulled over by a cop. Cop:"I've been waiting all day to catch someone like you." Boy:"I know sir, I got here as fast as I could."
"Come together, right now, over me." -Beatles lyrics or gangbang dialogue
I was shocked to find out that the woman I love was a one-night-stand type of girl. So I went to the furniture store and got her another one.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.
I used to go fishing with Skrillex... but he kept dropping the bass :(
"i said make him fetch" yeah? "what have you done" he looks pretty fetching to me *dog in shirt & tie* does he have a job interview or somet
So I've been trying to sell my Ubermensch Action Figures... But it's difficult to cater to such a Nietszche Market.
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who know binary and those who don't.
What's grey and lights up ? An electric elephant !
Carpentry isn't what Jesus Christ is most known for because he was bored with nails.
Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.
My pizza store delivers weed as well. Lol just kidding. He doesn't sell pizza.
How can you tell if someone is ticklish? You use test tickles
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Why did Napoleon return from exile? He needed more Elba room.
Which snake is the best at counting Nigerians? A Black Adder
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child  I wanted a dog.
I hate "two-faced" people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.
"Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi
Why can't the porcelain king go to the bathroom? He was dethroned.
[getting an x-ray] TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest. ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health? I'm voting for the dying one.
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together! I was, like, OMg!
Sorry I'm shit faced Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen? There were microwaves. Sorry I was drunk making popcorn.
Why are there commentators for televised sports? We can figure out what's going on live, but can't while watching it on tv?
Heinz have altered one of their spicier sauces. It's a remustard version.
So I tried to tell a friend of mine an Isis joke... but it was poorly executed
My computer just said hello to me It must be a Dell
I couldn't sleep because my fan was making loud noises. Yeah,it's a huge metal fan !
I didn't sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.
If a girl says, "I hate drama" there is a 99% chance she is a huge drama queen.
What's the best give you can give someone? A broken drum because you just can't beat it.
When I ask for a threesome with you and your best friend, I am only joking... Unless the answer is yes... In which case, can I videotape it?
My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I watched Canadian porn today... 2 girls 1 Stanley Cup ----------------- Credit Jeff Ross
I just sold viagra to a guy who thinks it's adderal. He's going to have a very hard test tomorrow.
Why did Walmart go out of business in Iraq? Because there are too many targets.
What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Why do mice have such small balls? Because so very few mice know how to dance...
Local store is having a MLK day sale Everything is 2/5ths off
What is a small, one story home made of poop called? A dungalow
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'
Question: What goes up and never comes down? Answer: Up
1st Monster: What is that son of yours doing these days ? 2nd Monster: He's at medical school. 1st Monster: Oh what's he studying ? 2nd Monster: Nothing they're studying him!
Turkish fundraising dinner Donor Kebab
BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field. The steaks have never been higher.
Police Officer: "Can you identify yourself, Sir"? Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me".
A Special Eid Joke (From my dad) If you hear the words 'Allah-hu-Akbar' during the Eid prayer from anyone but the Imam (prayer leader), run in the opposite direction
I just killed a pizza boy and now I have to kill another one It's the domino effect
Chuck Norris can tell you that he likes Dr. Pepper... with a straight face.
I get pretty horny when someone disses me over the Internet. I always get e-rekt.
What did one mushroom say to the other as he passed him on the street? Porta-hello
The government closed my non-profit clean needle exchange because we were just wiping 'em off with an old rag.
What did the cannibal get when he was home late for dinner? A cold shoulder
If a green man lives in a green house... And a purple man lives in a purple house, And a orange man lives in an orange house, Who lives in a white house? A black man.
Free advice: Saying "meaty shaft" in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I feel like a crushed Coke can on the sidewalk. Soda pressed.
I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. - Mitch Hedberg
I have a light that gets sexually aroused by me. I turn him on.
Where is everybody? Everybody? I don't know. All over the planet I guess.
To anyone commenting you don't have any chest hair Tell them it does not grow on steel
A trucker walks into a bar ...drinks a glass of poison and dies immediately.
I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week. I ordered what was supposed to be the world's largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger.
I'm funny. But hey looks aren't everthing! Source: roger miller
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual? A megasauranus.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what? Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you? Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
In almost every situation, Nutella makes a great substitute for love.
If I ever murder anyone I'm going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone... What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg shorter than the other? Li Ning
Why does Poesche keep their engines in the back? To leave more room for Paul Walker in the Front..
*stares into the abyss* *abyss pretends it's doing something on its phone*
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help* "Hold it right there baby, Mommy's just taking a quick picture"
You know you are a bad driver when............. you see more middle fingers than a manicurist.
Drunk sex is like a WNBA game. It lasts 2 hours and nobody comes.
I hate when I buy organic vegetables... and when I get home I find they are just regular donuts.
"Visa... it's everywhere you want to be." Visa is in Halle Berry's ass?
LA has come up with a safe space, for people that voted for Trump And they're calling it Texas
"Man of Steel" is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.
My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday... I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?
'90s movie spoiler alert: it's Kevin Spacey.
There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
Red, White, and Blue are the colors of Freedom... ... Until they're flashing behind your car.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Ancient Chinese proverb: man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.
How many call girls does it take to chAnge a lightbulb. None, because when they're dead their just called hookers.
How many Police Officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He 'fell'.
Prepping for the first day of work after a long holiday break. Currently watching YouTube videos to re-learn how to put on pants.
What kind of bears don't have teeth? Gummi bears. ;)
I gotta imagine one of the worst things you can do is shit your snowsuit.
"Once you go on the grass it is really hard to get out of it". - my six year old nephew while playing NFS. I was like i know exactly what you are talking about!! ;)
*has argument with husband* *brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011* *adds "Historian" to bio*
What's black and white stinks and hangs from a line? A drip dry skunk.
I saw this ad in a window that said: "TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full!" I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Did you hear about the burger cook who took a dump on the grill? He totally flipped his shit.
guess who's still together after all these years and all the shit between them! Your butt cheeks.
I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20.
Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels.
I can't cook with spices right now... ...I just don't have the thyme.
What happens when Superman sees Superwoman? He becomes the Man of Steel
A blond girl turns on the radio and hears that 2 Brazilian men were killed As she starts to cry she asks "How many is a Brazilian?"
What do you call someone who has to pay for sex? Buy-sexual (I know it is cheesy, but I thought of it all on my own.)
What does a Triceratops sit on? His Tricerabottom
My cat and my paraplegic stepdad are so similar. Neither like being tossed in the neighbor's pool.
I'm having a hard time with not using sexual innuendos. But it's hard *So hard*
The airport lady at passport control saw I was American & warned me there were no McDonald's past security. I feel very profiled & grateful.
I was arrested for killing a black man I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
WIFE: What're you doing in the garage? ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don't do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what?
It's warmer now, but I'm colder than when it was colder.
Why would you wrap a hamster in duct tape? So it won't explode when you fuck it.
My misery loves vodka, and hates company.
"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted. "What?! Really?!", I said. "Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."
When is the Speech Therapy Class? It's hard to say.
Why do children have middle names? So they *know for sure* that they are in deep shit.
This guy just scrolls through his Facebook page... And then he notices that "Steve (Minecraft) has blocked you."
The rich need it, the homeless has it and if you eat you'll die. Answear: Nothing! The rich don't need anything, the homeless has nothing and if you eat nothing you'll die.
A Jewish boy asks his father "Can I have thirty dollars?" His father replies "Twenty dollars? What do you need ten dollars for?"
"How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?"
Got caught talking to myself today. So I pretended I was a tree until they walked away.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I'm too lazy to learn science too.
It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
A Jew walks into a bank... "Honey I'm home!"
R news are nazis This is how it works, right? Can i get my karma points now i need karma
Pft damn police.... The lady down the street stands in her window naked watching me jerk off and *I'm* the pervert.
What do you call a guy in a lot of debt? Owen.
Mrs Jones: Now remember children travel is very good for you. It broadens the mind. Betty muttering: If you're anything to go by that's not all it broadens!
My greatest talent is being able to watching 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
What does the gay horse eat? Haaaaayyyyy
I knew she was the one the moment she said those three words that took my breath away... "THAT'S GONNA SMELL!"
What's the difference between a mailbox and a cow's ass? "I don't know." "Then you shouldn't deliver mail."
Crappy wordplay jokes... ...the cruelest form of punishment. I'll let myself out now.
A little guitar humor I broke a g-string trying to finger A minor
Whenever I'm feeling too self-confident I'll find something in my hand I've just spent 15 minutes looking for.
Friday! There you are, you sexy son of a btich! We've been lookin for you since Monday!
Becoming a vegetarian Is a big missed steak.
I finally got tinder And after a few matches, I was able to start a campfire.
My mom has two assholes Her real asshole and my father.
Work like you don't need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don't need that money
What is similar between Casino and Women Liquor in the front Poker in the back :-D
Someone stole my mood ring... I don't know how I feel about that.
My baby said it's first words today Her words were "who are you?"
Why did the soldier salute the occupied restroom? There was a loo tenant inside.
A priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground..... The priest says to the rabbi, "Hey rabbi, lets screw those little boys over there." The rabbi replies, "screw them out of what?"
What is the first sign of AIDS? Sharp pounding sensation in your ass.
I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.
What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
A three legged dog walks into an old west saloon, and tells the bartender, "I am looking for the man that shot my paw".
Why does moon rock taste better than earth rock? It's a little meteor.
What's the difference between bullets and everyone? Everyone misses Harambe.
I never got a single blow job when I was at school. Other kids got sent to the head master all the time.
The less people you chill with....The less bullshit you deal with.
My girlfriend is like my self-esteem I have none
Socialism is like breathing water... You just aren't doing it right! Here let me try...
You can reuse a condom... you just need to shake the fuck out of it.
In Sweden paternity leave is a big thing. And it is very challenging, almost every father loses 23lb in the first few weeks. They have no idea where the baby is.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don't Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Why did the witch lose her way? Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.
I never knew I was allergic to iron... Because after hitting the weights I get swollen.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
my sleep schedule says "party girl" but my lifestyle says "reclusive lunatic"
My favorite country star's good songs are about being bad and his bad songs are about being good I'll always love Jason Aladeen
Why did Leonardo Take forever to laugh at my Oscars joke? Cause he just got it!
Damn girl are you Lassie? Because you're acting like a bitch.
What's the difference between a thief who steals timepieces and a man at a strip club? One snatches watches and the other watches snatches.
My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter... So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My girlfriend really wants to try out some schoolgirl role play. However, I feel really uncomfortable wearing the dress...
What do you call tiny waves that wash up onto a beach? Microwaves!
Why wasn't Sarah Jessica Parker cast in "Seabiscuit"? I don't think she auditioned for the movie, or was even considered for it. And she was busy with "Sex and the City" anyway.
I wish lap dance minutes felt like treadmill minutes.
Why is Rene Descartes considered a thinker? Because he is.
[God Creating] Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes G: That sounds horrible L: People will love it G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Slap bass For when you need practice but your wife isn't around.
Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language ? Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters? You'll never de-fetus.
"Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?" "He didn't do his 1st grade homework."
What do you call a werewolf that knows it's a werewolf? A self-awarewolf.
where do you send a jewish kid with ADD? to a concentration camp.
Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn't mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.
"Pizza is always good." - everyone "We'll see about that." - Papa John's
Why is Stevie Wonder in camouflage at the Grammys Because if he can't see us, we shouldn't be able to see him.
If blacks have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump card.
Postman told me he was going on holidays.... I asked him if it was Parcelona or Istampbul he was headed to... Just said it was a stag do for his friend Ah, an all mail party I exclaimed
I just figured about why dogs are so bad at math Because when we answer a question we have to pause, but when they answer a question they have four paws.
No matter how kind you are German children are kinder
What happens when a midget smokes weed? He gets medium.
What do you call it when an escort farts? A prosti-toot
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tippex.. ...I woke this morning with a huge correction.
If Drake owned a breakfast cereal franchise, what would it be called? OV O's!
My mate Gav overdosed on heart burn tablets I cant believe Gav is gone.
Did you know sugar is the only word that begins with an 's' that makes a 'sh' sound? I'm sure of it.
I was in bed with my boyfriend Ernie last night, and he said to me "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box." I said to him "Ernie get off my back." h/t: Bette Midler
Google Page 2 The best place to hide a dead body is Google Page2.
You're not allowed to say "long story short" after talking for 30 minutes.
So a three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw."
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Do you know what your pimples do while you're asleep? Nothing really, the just zit there.
Listening to ska is like a bad hand job... It's all upstrokes
I'm pretty excited about my new band When I asked the record exec whether he thought our song would be popular, he told me it would be off the charts!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I tried to use the bury a dog above a body trick the graveyard employee didnt let me
Having kids isn't that bad, just don't have like the really young ones.
Toy Story (1995) - A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
As a commercial livestock hauler I've delivered quite a few donkeys in my time I suppose you could say my clients get their ass handed to them
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles ^I ^am ^so ^sorry
How to get holy water? Boiling the hell out of it
What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn't make me fat? Fingernails. XD
What happened to German Orphans after WW2? Did they ever get back on the Reich track? (I saw the post in /r/history earlier and was disappointed to find it was a serious question. I fixed it.)
Why do endocrinologists visit brothels? Because they are interested in whore moans.
Have you seen www.indecisive.com? Yes and no.
My university offers sex education lessons.... Guess I should sign up for intercouses.
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I'm romantic so I treat my girlfriend to a candlelight dinner every night, plus she's getting fat and candlelight has like zero calories.
To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies". They were a little on the Chewy side.
Pharmacist: "That'll be $97." Long pause. We both bust out laughing. "Have a good day, comrade." he says, handing me the prescription.
Did you hear about the new WinZip movie? They had too many cast members causing extra acting issues.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
A reddit joke Two X Chromosomes
What quality was the wine that Jesus made ? Bloody good.
why did the nun take off her clothes? she had a bad habit
Where's the best place to hide after a murder? Behind a badge
The average woman would rather be beautiful, than smart ...because the average man can see better than he can think
You wanna hear a Dad joke? Well, I don't have any kids yet so you're gonna have to ask someone else!
What's a poops favorite color? Turdquoise
A man rings your internet doorbell.. Says: "Can you spare 5 minutes to talk about Bernie Sanders?"
Q: Why do rugby fans eat up the sport? A: Because it is 'scrum'-ptious.
I was surprised that my skin products kept moving around my medicine cabinet But it turns out it was just brownian lotion.
What's worse than being struck by a lightning? Being struck by an iMac.
Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. I asked "How the hell did you do that"? "The car rolled on it".
Apple just announced new plans for the iPhone 8... It wont be a physical device, it will be iMaginary!
What did Anakin see when he walked in on his master unannounced? Obi wankin' Obi
The Joke's on You!
Waiter there is a dead fly in my soup ! No its not it's a piece of dirt that looks like one !
How does a train eat? It goes chew chew!
How to shave a cat's butt I won't tell you, you dirty person !
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I saw a fight at a campsite yesterday. It was in tents!
How do you get over a crush you've had since high school? Leave the dungeon door unlocked.
A psychic midget just escaped from prison The news report said there was a small medium at large.
[At bar] Me: As a joke, I'm gonna pee my pants Wife: Seriously? You're a married man now M: Right...sorry. I'm gonna pee "our" pants #BT140
Sound is slower than light... That's why some people appear to be smart before they open their mouth
The perfect response to "there's a party in my pants and everyone's coming" "Is it a search party?" Ba-dum-tiss..
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"
A man asks his friend to stop telling animal puns. His friend says "Sorry, it's a bad rabbit I have."
I wonder if women in China complain that all guys are the same.
What is the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew Harry Potter escaped the chamber .
What color is the most metal? Ma*djent*a
What do you get when two giraffes collide? a giraffic jam!
Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.
Jake Roper from Vsauce 3 is cancer. too soon?
Why did God invent the yeast infection? To show girls what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
Why are dogs always thirsty? Because water fountains were designed for humans! HEYOOOOOOO
That dress looks great on you, but it would look even better on my floor. *buys identical dress, throws it on the ground*
Why is Pokemon quite realistic? Because in the games, Bug-types are effective against Dark-types. Just like malaria in Africa.
I used to have sex daily... then I ran out of money
What's the difference between Frenchmen and some toast? You can make soldiers out of toast!
If life hands you lemons, you are anthropomorphizing. In some way, you've handed those lemons to yourself.
Today I saw a girl wearing camouflage pants. They didn't show her ass very well.
What kind of marijuana do cows smoke? moo-dicinal
There is a thin line between Numerator and Denominator. I bet only a fraction of you get this.
What vegetable is a bug most afraid of? Stephen Hawking
Women belong in the House ...and the Senate
A grasshopper walks into a bar... Bartender says, "You know, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "You have a drink called Steve?"
Serval Psychological Studies Show People are so Accustomed to Cat Humour on the Internet... That They Completely Miss Cat Puns in Thread Titles.
What do women and floor tiles have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
Why don't Indians play soccer? Every time they get a corner they put a dairy on it.
What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono. --------------- The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It's mostly drum and bass.
Why did the gay pride movement use the rainbow as a symbol? Have you ever seen a straight rainbow?
A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down ...So after a nice cup of tea, i hid his body
Spike Milligan: "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
I had an addiction to soap... but thanks to some dirty bastards stealing all of it, I am clean now.
(Misogynist Joke #4) - My girlfriend complains about how painful her period cramps are... I reminded her that's her fault for being a woman.
How is a computer like an air conditioner? They both stop working properly when you open windows.
Have a very Joseph Christmas! We shouldn't discriminate by sex, you know.
I'm a people person, but from a distance.
What's black and does not work? Decaf Coffee
Looking back 2016 was a very eventful year. But I guarantee 2017 will trump it.
U.S announces "Biggest boom in terrorism since 9/11". ... The prophets are going through the roof.
What's black and hanging from a tree in my backyard right now? A black berry.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
SB50 Panthers and Broncos coin toss Hillary won the coin toss
I've got a joke with no punchline.. I'm not joking!
Before we find Waldo in this picture, can we talk about how over-populated this beach is?
What is wrong with the number 6.9? There is a period in the middle.
You hear about that condiment bandit? he smuggled as much as he could mustard
Lois Lane would probably be terrible at picking out the right suspect in a Police lineup.
A Buddhist was struggling to complete his jigsaw puzzle He just needed to find his inner piece.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like "Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles."
I've fallen into a sar chasm. Totally didn't break my legs! It's a regular party down here!
(OC) what kind of headphones does Rhianna wear? Beats by kanye
What do you call two crows sitting in a tree? Attempted murder.
Why don't plumbers ride bikes? Because they'd get arrested for peddling crack
Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing!
How do you get a homosexual man to have sex with a woman? Shit in her cunt
It's a plant shaped like an egg. EGGPLANT! It's a place where we make fire. FIREPLACE! Diving in the sky. SKYDIVING! Humans are creative.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
What do you get when two lawyers have sex ? A Binding contract that you can't pull out of ... Edit And their are no loop holes other than your client having piercings.
Cashier: would u like a bag? Me: no I'll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice
If someone tries to shoot the President... The Secret Service will have to yell "Donald duck!"
What's the worst part about driving Ford off a cliff? Ford was my best friend.
An Irishman walked out of a bar. What? It could've happened!
say what you want about sleepwalkers... At least they always follow their dreams.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions? Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle ? Because of all the cheetahs !
I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
Darling "Darling, can I go out in this dress?" "Yes dear, it's already dark out."
How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints
I really hope the rise of the machines doesn't involve my laptop camera taping me look at stuff on the internet.
A Butt walks in to a bar. . . The bartender asks, "What'll ya have?" and the Butt says "Pfffbbtbtbt" Then the bartender turns to his friend and says, "What an ass."
A friend is like a car I dont have one
Throw me to the wolves and they'll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words? That you **had** to fart.
Modern art.. I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art? I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror!
What Does Reddit stand for? Reddit: Re-Downvote Downvote it.
Confucius say: go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.
What do you call a hooker laying down? Whorizontal. Thanks, I'll show myself out.
[date] Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl? Her: No, I'd love that Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready Her: um
Kid 1: Why'd you call me Aphrodite? "After the Greek goddess of love" Kid 2: What about me pop? "You're named after a famous chipmunk Alvin"
What did the french fry say to the police officer? Help me! I've been a-salted!
Why are most rappers afraid of vending machines? Because eminem's in there (Sorry, it works better when it's spoken)
I like my woman like I like my Coffee. Without a Penis.
It was my first time getting laid 5 minutes ago I'm hoping to hatch soon.
Cop: your under arrest Me: you're* under arrest 2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he's right
Why was the chef fired? He was caught stroganoff
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
What do Dwarfs and Midgets have in common? very little
How do you find the Pun Bar? You just walk into it
How do you find will smith in the snow? You look for fresh prince.
"There's no business like crow business." -Wealthy businesscrow
How many cafeteria staff does it take to  change a light bulb? "Sorry we closed 18 seconds ago and I've just cashed up."
I need Hike Employee: I need Hike. H.R : Install it from play store.
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.
[offensive] What do books have that Mexican's don't? Papers
I am good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know "Y"
I want to visit Antarctica some day... It's such a chilled out place and the people there are really cool.
Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.
Diner: Why are the waiters in here so nasty? Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it is going to about 7 episodes.
Did you hear about the guy who died of an epileptic fit? He had a very flashy ending
Everyone knows that lighting our farts is great, but when are we gonna be able to vape our farts?
My date seemed really excited when I said I had a horse's cock. For some reason she seemed disgusted when I took it out of the fridge.
What is a pirates favourite letter It is clearly double D as they are mostly males who can't stand a sunken chest and no booty. (New original take on old joke)
What did Harry Potter say when he fell down the hill? "Ouch! I Hermione!"
What did the man say to the sad fat guy? Hey, chins up buddy.
I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II ...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.
Why do Jews hate soda? Because they're gassy
*4yo son, crying* I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to cook the macaroni necklace? *sigh* Parenting is hard.
A civilian has taken control of the capital of South Korea... ...he's got Seoul, but he's not a soldier.
What's a duck's favorite drug? Quack.
Those 'escape the room' adventures are so hot right now I'm going to start my own. Puzzles? Clues? Who said anything about those?
I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out. OP will not deliver
Hey, wanna hear a Jew joke? Israeli funny
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are ... you have small boobs.
You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
F.E.M.A. Fuck EverybodyMostly Africans. ~Eddie Griffin
I tried to buy a new boomerang today but I couldn't throw my old one away.
Why is the topmost floor the best place to drink in? That's how you set the bar high.
4 different views of a tunnel PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Ok /r/jokes, give me your best. Just wanted to see this subreddits potential. And that I'm not much of a funny person.
I'm wearing my Superman t-shirt under my work shirt, which I'm sure the paramedics will find ironic after I throw myself out of the window.
How I Won the Pools by Jack Potts
Never accept a rap battle from a cricket unless you know more than five words that rhyme with chirp.
What do you call a Mexican without a car? Carlos
Did you hear the energizer bunny was arrested? He was charged with battery
How do you organize a Space Party? You Planet.
My friend offered me a brojob I guess he must have been bro curious
If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, will Greece help?
My teacher told me I should stop being consecutively late to school... I guess she can't handle people who are Re-tardy.
Therapist: Do you have any regrets? Me: Well, this one time Therapist [pinches bridge of nose] Other than buying fat-free salad dressing.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who do and those who dont
Adam hates going out for a meal with God. He always steals his ribs.
What do you call a turkey with no arms? a turkey
If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Have you ever seen Ray Charles's mansion? Neither has he.
what phone service has the fastest internet? Sprint
Knock knock (Palestinian version)... ...who's there? - Ya - Ya who? - Yahudi!
Have you heard the joke about the girl with Progeria? It got old pretty fast. (I know, it's awful).
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My favourite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her face and watch her struggle to get out of the car!
Have you guys seen how expensive it is nowadays to fill your bicycle tires? Damn inflation...
What's one good thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
How do Asians name their babies? They throw a drawer of silverware down the stairs and name it whatever sound it makes.
Me: Wanna go out? Her: You're not Black Me: I'm Jewish. We've been persecuted more than them. Her: ... Me: That's not why you like them?
What did the elevator say to the stairs? Never mind, I'll escalator
I tried to catch some fog yesterday Mist
I lent a hot girl my umbrella while it was raining That takes the amount of girls I've made wet to -1
In the style of Mitch Hedberg. I don't like fish eggs on my sushi... ...because I'm against abortion
What's one definite outcome from a Drumpf Presidency? Four more years of great South Park!
What kind of math class did the acorn take when it grew up? Gee-I'm-a-tree!
What kind of bird does not make babies? A swallow
If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you're damn right I am.
Q.What do me and a mirror have in common?  A.When we see your face we both crack up!
What is the most independent kind of cheese? Prov alone.
My girlfriend is a porn star.. she is going to be *so* pissed when she finds out.
Have you tried african food? -No. -They haven't tried it either.
Him: What? I couldn't understand you. Me: gnbkfshbffjjg H: What?! Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG! H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
What's the difference between frat guys and dogs? A dog has a better understanding of no.
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. . . My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, "close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over."
What's the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes, the other decomposes...
People always misuse "ironic". It's so ironic...
Why did the Berlin Wall come down? It didn't match with the iron curtains.
Responding to every question with "deez nuts" has alienated everyone close to me, but it has been worth it
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
So called "Trader" Joe's wouldn't let me pay with furs or rum or even live birds.
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
What's the correct instrument for measuring how fat your mom is? A size-mom-meter
Why don't white supremacist drink the water in Central America? Because it's Nicaragua
What do you call it when someone starts telling a joke
LPT: If someone is stubbornly blocking the isle at the supermarket with their shopping cart THINK before trying to ram them. You might be standing in front of a mirror. :/
adult coping mechanisms: drinking, Netflix, pretending nothing's wrong
Why was the cow scared about going into the slaughter house? His life was at stake. Badum psh.
Pigeons die after they have sex... Did you know pigeons die after they have sex? At least the one I fucked did.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
What is a monster's favourite society? The Consumers' Association.
What's white, plastic, and not suitable for ages 5 and under? Michael Jackson
Me*taps wife's shoulder*Whatcha doin? wife:Meditating me*still tapping*Why? wife: It helps me relax me*still tapping* Is it working? wife:No
Waiter I'd like a cup of coffee please with no cream. I'm sorry sir but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
I caught up with my old English teacher. "What's new?" he asked. I said, "An adjective."
Did you guys hear the one where the Imam joins the priest and rabbi walking into the bar? That's because muslims can't drink.
What is the best part of an ISIS joke? The execution.
What's a Jewish pedophiles favorite pick up line? Hey kid, ya wanna buy some candy?
Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous movie scenes? A stunt ham.
What do you call a gay guy's kidney stones? Fruity pebbles
I don't like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Whats the difference between an Asian man and a box of chocolates? They'll both kill your dog, but the Asian will cook it afterwards.
If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? No. The universe uses lossy compression.
What do you call a stoner with Down's Syndrome? A Baked Potato.
What's a crohn's patient's favourite punctuation? A semi-colon!
Knock knock Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never-mind, it's pointless.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training. Let's get started These are called scissors *collective aww*
What does a vagina and the Mafia have in comman? One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit.
Why did the burger sit beside the telephone? Incase onion rings
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he didn't want to be spotted
I swallowed a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat... had a stiff neck for days. i'm here all week folks. try the veal.
A religious man wasn't paying attention when he was driving. His karma ran over a dogma.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There's No Dinosaurs In This.
BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.
Nothing says I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.
Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card Her: *softly* holy shit
What's the difference between obese and morbidly obese? Obese is when you can't see your own genitals, morbidly obese is when you can't see your own genitals in the mirror.
I really enjoy fastening bits of metal together It's riveting
How do you know your friend is gay? When his dick tastes like shit.
In Summertime, wow do you tell the difference between an American-born Arab and a Middle Eastern-born Arab? Heatstroke.
One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.
Blue live in New Delhi Blue : One Love...    Crowd : Dhadkan Kahe...   Blue : ???...
How does Hitler turn on his lights? Aulightschwitz.
What is a tuna's favorite city? Albacoreque.
What did the girl on her period say when she got caught? "You caught me red handed!"
Being a prostitute on the Enterprise sounded interesting... But actually it's mostly Data entry.
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for an entendre ,She says "double or single" he says "Double" she says "OK yours is a big one "
Listen kids, money's tight. So when I make you balloon animals you should say 'thank you' and not complain about the lubricant.
How is Wolverine's love life similar to a mishap at the laundromat? Someone else goes home with their Jeans.
Why did the tennis player get thrown out of his workshop? He was making a racket.
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken ? Enough drumsticks to feed an army !
Let me think of a joke... Well, I would've told you a joke about my dick, but it's too long.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm? A: You never know when he's coming how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
What's the difference between Cheryl Crawford and dead embryos? Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers ...
It's Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o' meter down...      
Why doesn't every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
"No! Don't go into the church! Nooo!" "Honey, what movie are you watching?" "Our wedding video."
I pulled a disabled girl in the pub last night... ...the handle on her wheelchair was caught in my jacket.
Engineers will get it They should call it a Bachelor because of Science.
Reports of a man being shot with a starters pistol.. Police think it may be race related
Why does Caterpie like Margarine? Because it's Butterfree.
which toaster strudel is best toaster strudel im fucking this toaster strudel right now and im about to go ham on a ham and cheese hot pocket with my dick
People say I'm just distrusting, but I don't believe them.
My ten year old made me pay him $10 to do the dishes, so I mugged him on his way to the bathroom because, you know, life lesson.
haha how about we make a pact if we're both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
LPT: If your girl ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a three-way with, DO NOT GIVE HER TWO NAMES!
I would rather crush the shit out of the back of my shoes than bend over and put them on properly.
PREGNANCY TEST! Girl: Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail? Dad: To pass obviously Girl: OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!
What's the new Taken prequel going to be called? Taken Befour
Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves.
A Mexian magician is proffering on stage... He says "On the count of 3 i will disappear." Uno. Dos. *POOF * He disappears without a trace.
Posting a Joke on reddit is like going to a bar Once in a while you get lucky, but most of the time you just ruin your self esteem.
What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.
I went to the zoo - it only had one animal, a small dog. It was a shitsu
"There is no GREG in 'team.' " - super mean way to cut Greg from junior varsity.
Why did the little girl drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus. Sequel: Why did the little girl's sister drop her ice cream? Someone threw a fridge at her.
My mate borrowed 20 grand for plastic surgery. Now I don't know what he looks like.
At first my business of selling airplanes struggled quite a bit But then it took off.
Menstruation jokes are not funny. Period.
If I could be any animal I'd pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
"Are we going the right way, Yoda?" "Off course, we are!" Happy May 4th everyone
I wouldn't want lesbian parents. Not because I'm homophobic. I just don't want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance Saturday, Sunday
TIFU by subscribing to the wrong subreddit Whoops, Wrong sub!
Why do Jews only read the Old Testament? Because they're too cheap to buy the new! *ba-dum-tss*
Why are oceans so salty? Because the Earth is always tilted.
What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? http://www.madoodle.com/doodle/view/2989/
Did you know that 82% of women have used vibrators? The other 18% have new ones...
What's the difference between marmalade and jam? You can't marmalade your cock up a girls ass
Why are all liquor stores haunted? Because they're full of spirits.
Two blondes went to a drive-in movie. What movie did they go to see? "Closed for Winter".
What is it about being blind... ...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?
What's that, turkey? GOBBLE GOBBLE Timmy fell in a well? GOBBLE GOBBLE [breaks turkey's neck] no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
This barbecue must be amazing. Everything is at steak.
giv a man a fish adn he'll say "wat is this i ordered a mcflurry" teach a man to fish adn he'll say "how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds"
I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher... Then she gets mad when I pour her a double...
I went to a nice Cuban restaurant last night, I say restaurant but it was more of a Castro pub.
Why did the chicken cross the road? FUCK, MY CHICKEN'S IN THE ROAD? WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING?! JESUS CHRIST, HE COULD GET RAN THE FUCK OVER! YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!!
What do Asian pirates do? They fry pranes!
My secretary came into my office today and asked if she could use my dictaphone I said no, use your finger like everybody else.
If I were any more pissy I could pass for a public pool.
What do Asian pirates do? They fry pranes.
Confucius says - He who goes to bed with itchy butt Wake up with stinky fingers. Just remembered this from when I was 13
How many nazi's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?? Nein
Why do people with bulimia nervosa love KFC? Because your meal comes with a bucket!
What do you call a horny Egyptian king that ate at White Castle? Toot-N-Cummin!
Her lips said no, but her eyes said... read my lips
Just once in my life... ...I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my dick is.
Hair Disorders by Dan Druff
What does the secret service man say to the other secret service man when he has to go to the bathroom? Hold on I have to take Obama to the White house.
Penis Sizes A black kid comes home from his first day of school and says, "Momma, I have the biggest penis in the 3rd grade! Is it because I'm black?" The mom says, "No, nigga'! It's because your 17!"
What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands? Canta Plaus. Source: https://youtu.be/44aiB0vB36Y
As Winston Churchill once said, "Wait a minute -- I never said this."
Why was the baby elf sad? Because he was Legolas
What kind of salad dressing does a tree use?
Looks like Putin will be having Turkey for Thanksgiving
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino!
Your mama is so black that she left fingerprints on charcoal
I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition.. close but no cigar
What do you get when there is an inconsiderate weather phenomena at an EDM concert in Dubai? Darude Sandstorm.
What do Mr. Spock and toilet paper have in common? They both hang around Uranus trying to wipe out Klingons.
I saw my friend's girl sleeping with another man in the army but didn't tell him... It was a private affair.
What Did MLK Say When Asked If He Suffered From Jock Itch? I have a cream.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Triskaidekaphobia.
Who is the best Native American to have around when you have a cold? The Hanky chief (Yes this is all my own work, I thank you) [No I am not a dad]
When fish play football who is the captain ? The team's kipper !
Today, Apple is announcing to the world that millions of baby boomers still don't know how to rip mp3 files from their record collections.
3 guys walk into a bar... ... the fourth one ducks.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
What do you call a large group of prostitutes? A whored
Hmmmmmm just lets see how this goes. Knock Knock.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
What's a 12 year old boy's favorite romantic comedy? PS4, I Love You
What is every blonde's ambition in life?  To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Went to the zoo last week and all they had was one animal and it was a dog... It was a shih tzu.
What's the most commonly used Muslim woman punch called? Hijab
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
There's a new Fast &amp; Furious ride at Universal Studios I really hope I don't get Paul Walkers car
My friend sat on my drink... It went flat
What do you call an old barometer? Weathered.
BAGPIPE VS. ONION Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A: No one cries when you cut up a bagpipe.
Why does a priest never get married? Because they got nun to love them
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don't want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef? He spent his day cutting up vegetables
Him: What's your fantasy, baby Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I don't steal my tweets from song lyrics! Seriously. Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
Japanese Joke Why gay men don't masturbate? No interest in women. Better in Japanese
I used to date loose women but my cock kept slipping out.
Judge gave man 60 yrs in Craigslist rape case & affirmed it's NOT ok to contact him with services or other commercial interests.
Sarcasm has to be the official language when we live in a world this absurd.
I'd rather have Samuel L Jackson narrate my life.. No offense, Morgan Freeman.. My life requires multiple uses of the word  m 0therfcuker.
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools? A fruit stand.
I was an addict. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
I really admire people who can joke about themselves so I made up this joke....It starts "I have Alzheimer's ...
A Pole was playing chess.. .
What's it called when you try not to get knocked unconscious by a Taser? Resisting a rest.
I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how  fast they both ran off.
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
How does a communist do well in school? He gets good marx.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Why do pedophiles have social anxiety? Because they have a hard time fitting in
Pro Tip: don't buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
What did Tennessee? Whatever Arkansas.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
"This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after." -Inventor of the jersey
yo momma so stupid she ordered a phone from a catalogue, then when she got it, rang the the catalogue up to ask where it is
Why are hunters good love-makers? They always go deep in the bush, they can shoot more than once, and eat what they shoot.
What do you call a chat site for terrorists? Allahu Chatbar.
If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.
I always get burnt during summer time. I would go under trees but they're a little shady.
If you like blowing candles on your birthday, what does that make you? A gay candle.
I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was... and by looking at some peoples relationships its around 2 to 4 weeks.
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
LPT: If a stranger offers you drugs... Say "Thank you!", as drugs are expensive.
Don't worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won't be able to find either
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going He said "Can't complain".
Two bloke sitting in a pub watching a dog lick its balls. One turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that." The second drunk replies "Give him a biscuit and he might let you."
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest? One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
How many feminists does it take to dismantle the patriarchy? None. Once they shut up, no-one has any reason left to oppress them :)
I'm planning on opening a store that sells string instruments for children. I'm calling it 'Kiddie Fiddlers'.
Tiger Woods... ...just had the worst 9 holes in his life, well second worst if you consider the 9 holes that lost him his marriage but still...
Do you need help transporting a lot of animals overseas? Because I Noah guy
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill himself? You would too if your name was MMMHHHUUHH
What is Hitler's favourite type of music? Reich n' Roll
Reddit just wouldn't be the same without communist subreddits; They really put the red back into reddit
sapnu puas Turn it upside down ;)
what does an 80 year old woman taste like? depends..
What language does a patio speak? Porch-uguese
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk - what do you do with all that time you saved?
Why did Snoop Dogg lose control of his Pontiac? The drizzle
A Blonde walks up to a barman and orders a double entendre So he gives her one!
"Well, congrats. You're a homeowner now. Any questions?" "Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn't the Decepticons just bid on em?"
13yo: Mom, I need 3 current issues happening in the neighborhood. Me: How abo- 11yo: WEAK WIFI, BUFFERING, BAD DATA PLAN! ..shoot me now.
Did you hear about the surgeon who slipped whilst performing a circumcision?........ ......................he got the sack!
If you're giving me directions and you say, "Head north," I'm going to think you mean toward the sky.
My brother kept increasing his entropy while intoxicated... He was arrested for being drunk and disorderly.
There's recently been an influx of anti-gay jokes recently and I just wanted to say something: jokes using gay people as the punchline are NOT funny Come on guys
Usain bolt is very good at running... He had tons of practice trying to escape the police when he was a kid.
A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
America's future That's the joke
A truck with the slogan "We always go the extra mile" took the last parking spot so I wrote on it "because we missed the exit" as a revenge.
Apparently the Japanese made a pie chart showing how afraid they are of Godzilla... then one of them made it their national flag.
Where do you go if you need to weigh a whale? A whale-weigh station!
What do you call a group of smart gay men that all look the same? Homogenius
My dad was going out. He told me to watch the fire I said "no thanks, I've seen it before"
Do you know why Station Masters are so good at their job?? They train them-self a lot.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.
What did the winner of the weak muscles competition get? Atrophy.
How many dead hooker's in your basement does it take to change a light bulb? Well, it's not 4
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire] it's alright guys i got this one. *whips out a flamethrower* TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it
Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi.
How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T LIST THOR AS AN EMERGENCY BACKUP?!?!
I am going to start a website to review Vietnamese restaurants. It's going to be called Friend or Pho.
Every rooster is a dick.
Her: My baby is 28 months old. Me: Oh really? I'm 74 inches tall. Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off the top... It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.
Oh, a BEAR hug. *starts putting clothes back on*
Two jewelers saw a man get shot to death. The first jeweler looks at the second and says, "I'm absolutely opalled! The second just looks down and says, "I dunno man, I'm just too jaded to care."
Waiter to four women at his table in a restaurant in Boca Raton. "Hello ladies, is ANYTHING okay?"
The toilets at the philosophy convention were clogged. That was some deep shit man.
I was talking to Marcel Marceau the other day. You know what he said? Nothing he's dead
You know what's really great about being a Democrat in Texas on Super Tuesday? No waiting in line. (An hour and a half wait if you were a Republican.)
Hey guys, wanna hear a joke? feminism.
How do you make a gay guy scream twice in one evening? Fist fuck him then wipe your hands on his drapes.
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip. 
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight? me: Cashier: me: Cashier: me: sure
I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I'm Asian.
Never treat someone like Coca-Cola when they treat you like Pepsi.
"do u have twitter" "SORRY I CAN'T HEAR U!! UR BREAKING UP" *makes fake static noises* "we're not even on the pho-" *jumps out of window*
I was awake all night 'cause my neighbor was listening to dubstep... ...and I was lying there, waiting for the other beat to drop.
Jokes are like farts, if you have to force it, its probably shit
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... ... Just kidding
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates... ... if you're fat, it won't last long.
Jesus walks..... Jesus walks into a holiday inn, tosses three nails on the counter and asks, " Can you put me up for the night?"
A seven year old walks into a bar nes and noble.
"FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1 FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2"
I went to the health clinic the other day... My doctor said I weighed 483 pounds but I shouldn't worry about it because we are in the UK
What's the worst place to be during a tornado? Cracker Barrel.
You gotta love North Korea Especially if you're a North Korean
1 + 1 = 3 If you don't use a condom
BlackBerry's are great phones to have if you're time traveling to 2005 and don't want people to know you're from the future.
1. Go to the vets 2. Tell them your fish is poorly 3. Put a fish finger on the examining table 4. Do a sad face
(x-post /r/meanjokes) What's worse than 10 dead babies in a dumpster? 1 dead baby in 10 dumpsters
A Chick, A 1% and A Black Guy walk into a Bar and ask: "What time is the next debate?"
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No-I-Deer Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A: Still No-I-Deer
What's red and bad for your teeth? ...A brick
What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog
Are you all right ? No, you are all left
What's the difference between an inaccurate hunter and a constipated owl? One's a shooter that can't hit, the other is a hooter who can't shit.
Tinder for dudes is mostly scrolling through the mini cards they hand you on a Las Vegas Blvd street corner
What do you call it when the stars align for a mustard thief? A Gulden's opportunity.
What did the drunk say when his boss enquired about his availability? Yeah, I'm av**ale**able.
What do we want? Time Travel! When do we want it? It's irrelevant!
Thor Odinson may not be the coolest God-name ever... But it's still better than Loki Adoptedson. /burn
If you drill a hole through the planet and drop a stone into it, how far does it fall Three feet and then the green rock eater eats it
me: wanna hang out? southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah me:
If Hillary wins the election, the whole world be like.. [removed due to WWIII]
Did you hear about the Mexican guy who cheated on his wife? It was really sad and now he only sees his kids on weekends.
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she's allergic to owls.
How many pork chops does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know; it's lard to tell.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero. Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together Me: That's not true H: Wanna go hiking M: I don't like your tone
What does Trump grab this month? What does Trump grab this month........ Octo-Pussy
I was watching the film, 'A Perfect Murder,' with my wife She told me she was getting scared. "Is it the storyline?" I asked. "Not really," she replied. "Stop taking notes."
Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? [NSFW] He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens!
Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"? Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.
What do you call a German virgin? Gudentite
Why did the chicken cross the road? The butcher didn't finish the job.
Working at the aluminum can recycling center is the saddest job I've had. It's just soda pressing.
What do you call a pig sneak attack? A Hambush.
What do you call a pessimistic black man? Niggative.
Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain. Adios Omegas.
Lotta single women are getting a "What's up?" text right now.
Why can't guys do the splits? The banana gets in the way. Banana split
What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable? ...the wheelchair
My mother said fetch me a glass of water... My mother said "fetch me a glass of water" and I said "no" my mom said "I bore you for nine months!" So I said "you bore me every time you speak!"
I clicked on an ad for horny single women in my area and got a virus... It was chlamydia.
Knock Knock Who's there ! C-2 ! C-2 who ? C-2 it that you don't forget my name next time !
I tried to catch a bunch of fog this morning. Mist
Religion vs science? Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings
I recently had to bury my beloved grandmother in the local graveyard. She should be dead by now
So it turns out the son of a preacherman just had really long arms
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board? ME: no MT: i wasn't asking ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were
I once spoke to an extractor fan. He said to me, "I used to like farming vehicles, but now I'm not so fond of them."
What does Jean Valjean use to listen to music? Cosettes.
I've got a fungal skin infection It was a little itchy at the start, but now it's really growing on me.
An elf walks into a bar. (LOTR) The hobbit laughed and walked under it.
Racist jokes my dad told me Whats the difference between a black guy and a pizza A pizza can feed a family
Why do Native Americans hate snow? 'cause it's white and all over their fucking land!
You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.
If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus Doesn't that make every country a third world country?
My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo's Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He's gonna die out there.
Me: I can't get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth Friend: I love those candies Me: Candies?
For Halloween, my neighbor put up a Wolverine themed scarecrow. And it's terrifying my daughter. I guess she is claw-straw-phobic...
Everyone sings "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" to their selfies, right guys? Guys?...
Ancestry.com: The southern version of eHarmony.
What should vegetarians eat for protein? Meat.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word.
I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am.... A reposter
What do you call an Australian singer who was born in Australia? Aussie Aus-born.
I am always excited during your birthdays because... You're one year closer to being dead.
I burnt 1200 calories today! I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.
How many Police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
Pooping is just like Game of Thrones. You either win or you die.
Why does a dinosaur climb a tree? To get in his nest.
What is the same betweem long distance track and school Your going nowhere and your doing it slowly
Dang girl, Are you part of a ponzi scheme? ...because something smells fishy.
Auto correction can suck my duck.
Someone: What are you up to? Me: Fuxing with all my facebook friends via their newsfeeds. You?
What does a pussy have in common with the mafia? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Sperm bank I wounder if the receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used phrase "Thanks for coming".
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he's that excited to get to work.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Robin Williams isn't dead He just retired, he's on a beach somewhere sipping mimosas and watching the sun rise. Hope you finally found your peace.
Star Wars joke: What is the Rancor's favorite candy? Jawa breakers.
What is the worst place to go on Black Friday? Awnser: Home Depot They have power tools lol
What is a pirates favorite letter You probably think it's "arrr" but it be the "c"
Did you hear the joke about the guy who shined a light at his shadow? It starts off dark, but the ending is bright.
Did you hear about the ointment... Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical.
You wanna hear an offensive joke? Keemstar.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful Me: Flies away
Who did the sea captain lose his virginity to? His first mate
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.
What did Adele name her sandwich shop? A deli
What did the buffalo say to his son who was going off to college? Bison!
What do you get for the man who has everything? Nothing. Fuck that guy.
Let me tell you a joke about my dick... Nevermind, it's too long.
Relationship status: I ran out of toilet paper a week ago. Update: I am now running out of paper towels.
I don't trust stairs... They look like they're up to something.
I hate when living under a rock is compared to Fox News. At least living under a rock helps me better understand the suffering of the poor.
I've been studying the Cold War and nuclear weapons for history class non-stop... ...it's driving me MAD.
I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn. He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
I slapped a statues arse... I think I hit rock bottom
I think my dad messed up the "birds & bees" talk when I was a kid because now I can't look at a sparrow without getting horny.
give a man a shoe and he'll be confused as to what he needs one shoe for. teach a man to shoo and you won't have to deal with his confusion.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
If you think Hillary is going to drop out of the presidential race, you should know Hillary doesn't go down... That's why Bill had Monica.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
There's no way Oscar Pistorius can walk away from this... He doesn't have a leg to stand on.
I took your girlfriend out for some Chipotle last week...... guacamole wasn't the only thing she wanted extra on the side.
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked!
Why did the pigeon get thrown in jail? For staging a coo
Two men walk into a bar Ouch
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered six offender.
How do you prepare a Gorilla  sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
I failed my Cultural Studies exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world". Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
Sometimes "I'm single" means "I'm drama free", "less stressed" and "I refuse to settle for less."
They say everything is bigger in Texas, but their buses are usually shorter.
Real women don't chase men. We set traps.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens? The Bawking Dead
What's the secret ingredient in Bush's Baked Beams? Jetfuel.
Only 5 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week..
What's dad's best one-liner? "My wife."
How long is the flight? A Polish man calls up an airline. "How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?" "One minute..." "Thank you." *click*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Life is like a box of chocolates... It ends quicker for fat people.
Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed? Because he sleeps on a waterbed !
i just heard this whats worse than lobsters on your piano? crabs on your organ
I like to drink and run. I call it "Bacardio".
Let me tell you know what I know about dawrves... very little
You know, I'm old enough to remember... When the worst thing you'd hear about on the news were highjacked jetliners flying into buildings. --Norm MacDonald
What did the illiterate Mexican say to the funny looking bottle of mayonnaise? "LMAO"
A mayfly walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "Why don't you fly?" The mayfly responds: "Because it's not May, you fucking idiot"
Ever heard the one about the shark in the bar Don't worry, its kinda fishy
"911, what's your emerg-" "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell" "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-" "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"
Why don't they have gambling in Africa? There are too many cheetahs.
*walks up to fountain* *throws in a shiny penny* *crosses fingers* *makes wish* *looks over at mother-in-law* *does throat slash motion*
Idiot White Supremacist Why did the idiot white supremacist burn a cross on the wife-beater's lawn? He heard the abuser's wife had two black guys at once
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.
Today i felt like a giant mushroom I get kept in the dark and fed shite
What's the difference between Britain and Australia? When one votes, it changes something, making things worse. When another votes, it doesn't change anything, making things worse.
What do you call a kitten's post-mortem? An Aww-topsy.
How many people wrote "anti-oepidus" 1 3/5
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
What does Pokemon Go and a policeman have in common? You gotta catch Jamal
me [filing a claim with the insurance company after the basement flooded] We had a pony down there too
TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
People told me girls wait their whole lives to hear a man say "I do" Apparently not if the question was "Do you think I put on weight?"
It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.
Yar, I wound up a toy car and put it down me pants. It's driving me nuts.
My girlfriend wants to be in a long distance relationship, according to this restraining order.
I went to a lingerie shop I picked up some pants and asked them server if they were satin He said "no they're new"
I told the boys at the pub that the first thing I will do if I win the lottery is buy a couple of rounds... of ammunition to keep all you losers away.
I wish babies could have babies. Adorable minibabies.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Two gays are on an elevator One of them says "Ew! It smells like dick in here!" "Sorry," says the other. "I burped".
Love may be blind Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
"All your dreams will come true", said my fortune cookie And the next day I realized, I went to work naked and couldn't run when I got chased by that monster
What comes out of a reasonable volcano? Pragma.
Two nuns walk into a bar... The third one ducks.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash? Me: 6: Me: It was too good. I didn't want to make your sisters jealous.
Howabout plastic, reusable tortilla chips where you could just suck the guacamole off them?
Never sure of the differences between a crocodile, an alligator, and a staple remover.
Why do farts smell? ... For the benefit of the deaf!
So I finally figured out how click bait works...
How can you tell if someone's a vegan? Just wait, they'll tell you
I keep telling people my girlfriend is not retarded... But everyone keeps insisting I am fucking retarded! Just thought of it while taking a poopy! I will see myself out now.
Magicians in The Future "I need a volunteer. Hmm... Yes, you! The attack helicopter in the red shirt!"
My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won't make a difference, that I'll be insignificant. Me: It's really not that bad
Rattlesnakes and condoms Two things I don't fuck with
Where can you find an asexual person? You can't. They ain't fuckin' anywhere.
What's the difference between a barrel rider, and a can of Copenhagen? You can only fit 3 fingers in a can of Copenhagen.
"I'm in your city". me: ok. enjoy it.
The life of a clown A clown goes to his boss to ask for a raise, the boss replies: "20 years working for me and you finally make me laugh."
What country always follows Zimbabwe? Zimbab-Bee!
Why won't Hillary ever pull out? She's never finished screwing people.
What do you call a woman flying a plane? A pilot, you sexist!
Odd numbers bother me. Except 75. 75 you're ok.
rroses are red, violets are blue, Valentine's Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
They say innocence is always found in the children. This has only made it more difficult for me to understand why so many pedophiles are found guilty.
What's are pirates favorite kind of weapon? RRRRtillary.
It's 27 outside. Oh great, even the weather is younger and cooler than me now.
Damn Donald.... Back at it again with the white fans
Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead.
[Arouses Suspicion] Suspicion: I don't want to ruin our friendship.
What do you call a hip-hop trio with boosted Attack but hindered Special Attack? Naughty by Nature
The Seventh Sense: "I can smell dead people."
So I called an Indian restaurant They didn't take my reservation.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? El-if-ino
What do you call a rich black man? A tycoon.
What's the difference between a joke and 3 cocks? You can't take a joke.
I went to an owl party last night. Contrary to my expectations it wasn't very much fun at all.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don't know. I could love you to pieces...
So a priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, hesitates, and says, "What is this, some kind of fucking joke?!"
The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality That explains why Jerk Chicken and Pulled Pork were the only two items on the menu
Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun's over.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? meh... you'd just think it was cheesy.
Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? All that was left was de-Brie
I keep throwing up when I count in French My doctor thinks I might have a huit allergy
My friend loved to collect tractors but stopped after he had a bad accident in one. These days he helps the fire service by removing all the smoke from burning buildings... ...he is an ex-tractor fan.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
You're about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds.
What do chemists make guacamole out of? Avogadros
Why are Astronauts seen as condescending? Because all they do is look down at people.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit's door.
What do you call a task that isn't quite mundane? Tuesdane
What's great about living in Japan? Well, the flag is spot on!
A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down... It was a pad bun.
What is it called when a cow is unwillingly milked? **Moo**lestation
What are Turkish cattle best known for? Mootiny.
Rules to learning English: their our know rules
I prefer to think in terms of "good" cholesterol and "misunderstood" cholesterol.
I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I'm a perfectionist.'
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Give a man a monthly subscription of fish delivery right to his home, profit.
Test boast, please ignore. I just hacked my friend's reddit account.
What do you call a fat relative around Halloween? A plump-kin
I don't mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs. *turns up volume* SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*cocks gun* Me: "Go ahead." Horse: "Just be cool, man." Me: "DRINK." Horse: "No problem. It's just a stupid expression."
I used to have Osama Bin Laden as a contact. I removed him because he was blowing up my phone. Oh god this that was so shitty.
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I'm going to start using "reach around" as business jargon and see if anyone corrects me once I'm finished.
I was just wondering, if you're not too busy sometime, maybe I could pet your dog
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent
Every woman wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk of your car that she starts to panic.
What's the difference between the strippers and the circus? The circus has a cunning array of stunts.
How do you get a cut-price parrot ? Plant bird seed !
A priest owned a haberdashery..... ...he was a man of the cloth.
My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite... ...So I packed her things and left.
This came to me randomly today; not sure if old, or OC... How does Hannibal Lecter like his eggs? Ovaries-y
What do you feed a gay horse? haaaayyyyy!
I wonder if the guy I'm interviewing knows this isn't for a cologne model position.
What's the difference between a chicpea and a tomato I don't pay 1200 dollars for a tomato on my face.
I am currently upset at my mom for having me. I didnt ask to be here. Now I have all these damn bills.
(Star Wars) If Finn and Rey hooked up and had a child The child would definitely be on the dark side
As Newton once said, "For every male action, there is a female over-reaction".
Why didn't Mario put more toppings on his pizza? Because there wasn't mushroom on it.
So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day... and the punchline had him in stitches!
G.O.T. joke: "What's better than a Grape, Robb?" "A Raisin, Bran.
What do you call a stolen tamole? A hot tamole
SAE used to be jokingly called Somebody Anybody Everybody I guess they wanted to make it clear that wasn't true.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you're continuing to send tweets.
Getting your identity stolen is a nice reminder that at least one person out there has it shittier than you & wants to trade places.
Man goes to the doctor "Doc, doc, the area around the entrance on my butt is a little itchy" "I think you mean the exit........."
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten gagged whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
NSFW Anal With My Girlfriend When ever my girlfriend and I have anal; it makes my day, but it makes her (w)hole week
2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
What is the name of the new game show hosted by Katt Williams? Are You Stronger Than A 7th Grader?
Don't try to tell me that hungry is not an emotion because I feel that in my soul.
Why Hitler used uBoots? Because the enemy did nazi them coming.
Stephen Hawking seems to be a very emotional person He is even moved by his chair
What does a Middle-Eastern person eat for breakfast? Syria-l
Duct tape is like the Force It has a light side, a dark side and it holds the universe together.
A Valentine's Day Poem for your Sweetheart Roses are red, Violets are blue, For Valentine's Day, I would like to sodomize you.
What's the difference between hard and light? I can sleep with a light on.
Your momma so fat... Her splash attack does damage
After spending twenty minutes making up outrageous symptoms, WebMD diagnosed me immature, and an asshole.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm "Time to go out and rob some people!" I said
Two pedophiles sitting on a bench A 12 year old passes by. One pedophile looks at the other and says: Aaah, time forgives no-one. She must've been a stunner in her days
Create a Story Using One Word! Anyone can participate and IT HAS TO MAKE SENSE! Good luck! :)
How do you blend in at a bald convention? Chemo-flage
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Why did Microsoft name their new web browser "Edge"? Because people familiar with the U2 guitarist of the same name are already used to long delays.
*drinking my first beer with my dad* "I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"
On The Topic Of Relationships Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" was not the right answer.
I made a song... in the tuna fish
What do the Syrian refugees and water have in common? They both keep trying to get on our shores....
The man who invented the Kinder Surprise had died. The pathologist who does his autopsy is in for a treat.
MAN: What are you doing? ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing MAN: No way will- SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
What do you call Irish sunscreen? A pub.
PRO TIP: Name your first child "butter", then accidentally take a different baby home just so you can say "I can't believe it's not butter!"
History has it wrong, Paul Revere wasn't trying to warn us of an British attack.... He was just selling door to door porn.
Why isn't energy made of atoms? It doesn't matter (go ahead and down vote :P)
[At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* This is my body *raises wine* & my blood *pulls out 8 of Clubs* & this is your card *Apostles go nuts*
I'm thinking about selling my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years.
New 10 dollar bill did you hear about the new 10 dollar bill with a women on it ? ... it's only worth $7.70
I know it's "cool" to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That's somebody's daughter.
The Masochist begged the Sadist, "Beat me, beat me!!" The Sadist said, "No"
A nicer way to call someone who was born through Incest "Purebred"
What to Bill Cosby and Peter Pan have in common? Rufi-ooooooo!
Hey, Sean Bean, it's either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can't have it both ways.
From my girlfriend's boss: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What do you get when you cross a Jamaican and a Scotsman Dreadlochs
"Party City" is the least appropriately named store.
A black guy and a Mexican are riding a car. Who's driving? The police
I beat this orphan kid in baseball the other day... Only because the little cunt didn't know where home is!
Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn't a chicken!
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP? Me-*Quietly mutters- I don't work for you! 3-*runs out of room yelling- DADDY SAYS HE DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU!
If you find that China is not working... ... Have you tried updating your Mao settings?
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
What did the deer say to the other deer after leaving the gay bar? Man, I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks.
Did you hear what they're planning for the next episode of 'Glee'? It's a 'Walking Dead' crossover.
What's black, blue and hates sex? A rape victim.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
Why did the pet owner get upset with his parrot? ...because he was using too much fowl language
Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone.
Why was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans!
Why is the universe expanding? It needs more space.
Two snares and a cymbal falls off a cliff BADUMTSSSS
Remember, tomorrow is Good Friday So let's all act like Jesus and get completely hammered.
Take My Advice I Don't Use It Anyways
Where do Robots go for fun? The Circuits! (this is a joke i made up when i was like 10, i don't think it ever caught on)
What do you say to Simba when he's slow? Mufasa! "move faster" heu heu heu
The universe implodes.... No matter.
You know what they say about duct tape... It makes no..no..no sound like mh..mh..mh Credit to my coworker for that one.
Am I gay? Damn straight I am.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign of depression.
A jealous woman...can make the FBI look like mall security.
Democrats wear wide red ties and green  sports jackets during the festive season. Republicans do too all year round.
What is the difference between Hillary Clinton and the hookers in downtown Little Rock? The hookers have real orgasms and fake diamonds.
Every ten seconds, someone in London gets stabbed Poor bastard.
What's the difference between a muddy bicycle and a ditzy lesbian? One is a dirty bike and the other is a derpy dyke.
Did you hear about new product out from Tampax? The iPad.
What do you call a zoo that only has one dog? A Shit-zoo
You hear about the moneyless porn star that started selling double-ended dildos? She was just trying to make ends meet.
Met a girl at a party and asked if she wanted to go back to my place and hang out. She said she wasn't a whore I said I wasn't offering to pay
Did you hear about the magician who became a farmer? ...he was driving his tractor down the road, and suddenly, he turned into a field.
You know your girlfriend is too young when... ... you still have to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.
What breed of dog is the most depressing...? A melancholy.
What would you tell someone who is attempting to steal your cheese (hint: not "nacho cheese")? Leave my provolone!
Guy walks into library and asks the librarian... "do you have the book for men with a small penis?" She replies "I don't know if it's in yet" "yeah, that's the one "
I used to play pocket hockey... ...but I stopped because the referee was a dick.
My favourite part about the Harry Potter movies... ...is the casting.
How do you kill a giraffe? Punch him in the throat.
Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty eight years olds? There's 20 of them.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon's food, the eggs are about to hatch S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate Me: Me: here, take the eggs too
You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don't know them.
wait did that Australian guy say "meteorite" or "mate are ya alright?" *gets hit by a meteorite* "hey mate are ya alri... no you're dead*
You can lose weight if you don't eat foods that start with capital letters. Even faster if you live in Germany!
When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors
My parents never taught me how to be humble or modest I'm just naturally incredible at it.
What did the Native American pornstar call himself? Spread Eagle
How do you stop the neighbours kids from playing in your yard? Molest them
Two guys walk into a bar One guy says, 'I'd like some H2O.' The other guy says, 'I'd like some H2O, too.' The second guy died. The bartender is a chemist.
True intimacy is chatting within a shared Google Doc
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
What did the visually-challenged gentleman say as he walked past the tuna stand at the open air market on a hot summer's day? Hello ladies. Warm enough for you?
How does Schrodinger apologise? Sorry not sorry
I bet rocket scientists are conceited bastards. "YOU CALL THIS A MARTINI? THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE DAMMIT! I WOULD KNOW!"
Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.
Why did the chicken cross the road? He needed to get that high score
Girls are only after me for my money. That is why no girls are after me.
This relationship is over. Over. ~dumping someone via walkie talkie.
Saw a really stunning cute girl in Thailand on the bus, couldn't stop looking. I thought "please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner..." But she did.
Do you think you'll get fake teeth when you're old and gray? Might as well. Nothing dentured, nothing gained.
My dad got fired for having sex with one of his patients the other day. Which is a shame because he was a really good vet.
I was walking down the street one day.. and a man threw a bit of cheese at my head, i turned to him and said; 'oh, real mature mate'.
Why did the pig send his story to New York?  He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.
The good thing about being tall is, you can't get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can't get lost in a crowd.
Did you hear about the water that got so angry that he boiled himself? He just had to let off some steam.
A pirate has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. As he walks down the street someone notices and asks "Doesn't that hurt?" The pirate replies, "Arr, it drives me nuts."
What do you call a gay man in his house by himself? homolone
How to make your God proud? By abusing his names in other languages.
I just had my ass blasted.. It was an explosive diarrhea.
Why did the console cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side.
I never got why nice guys don't get all the girls... I mean they do finish last, I thought girls liked that.
I once sent nude pictures to everyone in my contacts list. Not only was it embarrassing... It cost me a fortune in stamps.
What do you call a pink slip served inside a bag of coffee? Grounds for termination.
Question *Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards? *A: He was sitting on the deck.
ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died
Do you want to know what I was for discovery channel dress up day? I dressed up as naked and afraid. I was naked everybody else was afraid.
Houston, we have a problem Houston: new phone who dis
What did O say to Q? Put that thing away, there's kids around here
Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.
I am a damn good electrician Otherwise I would be dead
I heard Hotel California for the 6th time on the radio during my cross country road trip. You can change the station any time you like, but the song never leaves
What's the difference between a greyhound bus station and a lobster wearing a bra? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean! Edit: HAHahHAHA OMFG I'm the epitome of hilarity
If someone finds a corpse, in the river off 4th St., in a blue suitcase, it wasn't me.
Confucius Say . . . Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Stabbing a man with a spoon is pointless.
It's like the people who drive Smart cars don't even realize that other cars are an option.
QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I want minions for Christmas.
Hillary will be the most transparent president ever... ... because she will have every state secret sitting on an insecure server in her basement. hahahaha *cry*
"I wanna rock!" ~said the angry geologist.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don't like
Why did the Soviets pull their missiles out? Because they feared a premature ejectulation
Judgment Day will be long, grueling and brutal. On the plus side, there will be a special "Fudge-ment Day!" stand for the kids.
What did Rihanna say to her grandma with Alzheimer's? Oh na na, what's my name?
Keep clam. I'm dyslexic.
Yes, I'd like to return this pizza "is there a problem, sir?" *opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON "sir, you've opened the box upside-down"
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never had a lentil on my face before!
2001 called... They want their towers back
I dropped my phone in the toilet It's ringing wet!
I didn't want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife's pillows should get the point across that I don't appreciate the way she spoke to me
Why was 2 afraid of 4? Because 4 8 16!
my fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that i lied about on my drivers license
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
What do you call a woman who uses Vagisil? a Basic bitch
What does a baker say when he/she makes a mistake? "Dough!"
To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly's loved ones.
Indiana - A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the cash, the man fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree..... I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Did you know that I hold the World's Record for the smallest penis? It's really hard to beat...
the reason we're moving is because it's haunted. we probably wouldn't mind a normal ghost but this guy died while quoting Borat was popular
I bought my wife a pen for her birthday. I should have got a better one though, she keeps getting out.
Why wasn't there a Captain America movie tie in videogame? Because every time one bug was fixed, 2 more appeared.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Q: What would happen if black widow spiders were as big as horses? A: If one bit you, you could ride it to the hospital.
What did the white guy say when he found out his sister got knocked up by her black boyfriend? "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!"
They asked what was my dream position Turns out, "doggie style" is not the correct answer.
The human torch was denied a bank loan...
When your pet is staring at you, it's probably thinking "I wonder how long those things live."
Your luggage has wheels on it? You know, that guy Jesus didn't have WHEELS on that cross thingy he had to lug around. You people disgust me.
Drank the liquid from my Magic 8 Ball and now I can predict the future with even less accuracy than I could before.
Latvian girl can count Latvian girl count to potato. Is valedictorian.
It's 100% legal to murder a kid who gets in the elevator and pushes all of the buttons.
You know what you call a marine with an IQ of 160 A platoon.
Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden... and they decide to bathe in the river. God shows up and sees Eve washing her vagina and shouts, "No! Now all of the fish are going to smell like that!"
How do you say 'The Torah' in German? Kindling.
How did you feel when you found out Obama was half white and half black? Because I had mixed feelings.
How do you feed a skyscraper? "Here comes the aeroplane!"
What do you call an egg from outer space? An unidentified flying omelet!
Protip: If a party guest says "I don't dance" what he's really telling you is "make my drinks stronger please".
What are the 5 most terrifying word in the english language? "Five more years of Cameron"
*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
The titanic had Bluetooth It synced
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Why did the dolphin apologize? He didn't do it on porpoise.
What did one lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both lawyers.
Why accountants don't read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
What economic theory opposes manscaping? Laissez-fur!
Monday morning, still sore from my run and all I have at work is acetaminophen, meaning if I take it I can't drink until like 11AM.
Her: I told you! Two beers and you're home at 10! Him: Oh, it was this way around.
A black father asks his son how his exam went But the visiting hours finished before he could answer.
Hotels are keeping the shower cap industry afloat.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
What do you call the cookbook of the dead? The Necrinom-nom-nomicon
Mulder: we're trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm. Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We're on a train.
Toy idea: Remote control car that you can sit in & control from the inside.
Where is the monster's temple? On the side of his head.
Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that
You give great word of mouth
If you're cold go and stand in the corner... I've heard they're about 90 Degrees.
Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Russia? He was snowed in.
What happens when Niagara trips? Niagara Falls
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking" [pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]
I fucked your mom! Shut up dad.
What do American beers and Sex in a Canoe have in common? They are both fucking close to water!
Probably too soon... But it looks like Peaches Geldof doesn't like Mondays, either.
Knock knock... (**WARNING OFFENSIVE**) Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET YOU SON A OF A BITCH!
There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don't know if it's a murder or a rare Pokemon.
Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella
I had a friend from North Korea. When I asked him how the country was, he said, "I can't complain..."
I don't get why people are racist... We were all white at SOME point.
my doctor said for every upvote this gets, i will lose one rib I only need 24 and then I can finally give myself head Edit: chill guys extra upvotes are gonna start taking my organs
What do I need a girlfriend for? When the Reddit servers are ready to go down on me anytime?
Did you hear about the man who faked leprosy to get charity handouts? It was a leper con.
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off things? Rick O'Shea
Why is the biggest nose only 11 inches? Because if it was 12 inches it would be a foot!
I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
#NAME?
What's a slut's favorite color? Whorange
How do you castrate a priest? Kick the alter boy in the jaw
Why did the priest dislike geometry? It's sin-ful. [self made joke]
At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?
The "Parmesan" cheese in the USA is an abomination of the original. Start buying parmigiano reggiano and make America grate again.
What's the best part of Chinese food? The 4/10 cookie
I recently met up with an old girlfriend of mine and we immediately started having sex... ...The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body.
Fred: Your sister uses too much make-up.  Harry: Do you think so? Fred: Yes. It's so thick that if you tell her a joke five minutes after she's stopped laughing her face is still smiling!
I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone having a birthday today.. since they only get 1 birthday every 4 years..
A queen bee is hungry. She calls to a worker bee for some food. The response? "I'm coming, honey!"
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way
What do you call an alligator in a vest? A investigator
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it.
A girl told me she loved vintage once... So I locked her in the kitchen and told her she couldn't vote
At the club, a 6'1" girl was crying in my lap. I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe. Win-win.
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler...
I lost my new underwear... ...I only wore them briefly.
Why was Han Solo suspicious when he first put his penis in Princess Leia? It was Luke warm
If you throw away an ice sculpture, is it justice?
What kind of lotion does a bullfighter use? Oil of Ole'
I gave two pints of blood at the hospital. You would think they'd appreciate it but they just started asking me questions like... Who's blood is this, and how did you get it?
My gf told me to stop pretending i'm amy winehouse I said no, no, no
How man hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's an obscure number, your probably never heard of it.
While some guys go to the gym to clean &amp; snatch... Others go to to see lean snatch. C what I did there?
A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Boss: I'll tell you what I want Me: So tell me what you want, what you really really want *office breaks into Spice Girls dance routine
Why Hitler died? Because he saw the gas facture.
What do you call it when a comedian falls back on childish humor simply to avoid complete failure? Pun-ting
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity It's impossible to put down
:( turn that frown upside down ):
My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates Nobody likes the black ones
What is quivering at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh...sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
What should a football team do if the pitch is  flooded? Bring on their subs!
Not everyone is able to fly... but every toucan.
Donald Trump "is intensely loyal...he will never let you down." .... - his third wife
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The Screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
who is a skeletons favorite music artist? BONE JOVI!!!!!!!
"Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone's been dead for 5,000 years, so there's no rush"
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it.
[In Bar] Friend: Your fly is down Me: I know, he's going through a messy divorce *glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
When friends or family ask me if I'm going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"
Didn't think my kid was ever going to sleep, earlier.You would've thought the cops were here,the way she was resisting a rest.
R.I.P water You will be mist!
What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow? Chop chop.
My parents wanted to name me Odysseus because I, too, broke through the Trojan wall.
What's the difference between a DVD player and a cow's anus? If you answered 'I don't know,' I'm certainly not letting you borrow any of **my** DVDs in the future!
*pulls up pants* Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how'd I do?
My girl friend said to me "sex is better on daytime"... That wasn't a very nice Idea...
What's brown &amp; rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
In marijuana's defense, I'm lazy as shit completely sober too.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Why did Patrick Stewart shave his head? So he could badly go where no man has gone before.
Dear men, I can make your girl scream louder than you can ever make her! Love, Spiders
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they're feeding you kale.
What do "white privilege" and "severely mentally handicapped" have in common? Both terms are almost universally misunderstood by the people to whom they apply.
What's the easiest way to confuse an anthropologist? Hold up a used tampon and ask him to identify which period it's from
I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.
What travels down an alley and is full of holes? Batman's Parents.
Today we honor St. Patrick, the patron saint of puking and peeing.
Some friends, a lesbian couple... bought me an antique gold fob timepiece for my birthday. I think they mistook me when I said "I wanna watch".
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine, he gets better with age..... The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Me: I think we need to break up Her: Now is not a good time Me: Okay *we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
what do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery person have in common? They have to smell it, but they can't taste it.
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike .. my dad was holding me from behind ..
Did you hear about the two gay truckers? They exchanged loads
Why does Kim Kardashiani have a big butt? because she never had to work her butt off.
As a neat freak I'm only comfortable giving a girl a Clean Sanchez.
Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight? It's called tricoxagain.
Oh, you're talking to me again. Did you just break up with your boyfriend?
"OMG why am I so sore?" *Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday* "Oh right."
If I kept a record of how many steps I walk every day in a file... Would it be called a Pedofile?
Wife: How many women have u slept with? Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I'm the one who put him on a leash.
I went into a butchers today and said, "Is that a sheep's head in the window?" He said, "No, it's a mirror."
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his  keys in his car? A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
What was the inscription on the tomb of  Frankenstein's monster? HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
What do magistrates have with their water? Just ice.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of type advantage
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I'm delusional UBER DRIVER: I didn't say anything
I don't usually spank the kids while we're in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I bought a designer body bag and now I'm scared to gain weight.
Is the squirt from an elephants trunk very  powerful? Well a jumbo jet can keep 500 people oin the air for hours at a time !
Drink like a fish and you'll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you'll never feel like one...
I peaked too soon in high school. I'm still sending her child support.
Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door
If a well endowed woman works at Hooters, where does a guy with an amputated leg work? IHOP
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours 2015- don't even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
1. Change last name to Crunch. 2. Join the military. 3. Work my way up to Captain. 4. Become Captain Crunch. 5. WIN LIFE
Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?  With a hare dryer!
Are you guys gonna enjoy your weekend I'm not I'll probably obsess over the problems I create in my mind then maybe eat something I regret
My computer has been running slow lately... I tried restoring the computer and still no luck. I finally decided to paint the computer black and it ran so much faster.
Runs away from you... Looks back to laugh at you... Runs into pole.
A woman recently got breast implants made from oak wood. It would be funny if this joke had a punchline, Wooden tit?
What has 200 legs 50 noses and is very loud? A herd of stampeding aardvarks!
I don't play golf because any game that includes strokes and handicaps just doesn't sound like my kind of fun.
What did the bartender say to the jumper cables? You better not try to start anything.
How can you tell if a Finnish guy likes you? He's staring at your shoes instead of his own.
Did you hear about the granny who plugged her  electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out "stop it" every 30 min
Pretty disappointed to find out that "Toys for Tots" isn't a program where I trade my kids's toys for delicious tater tots.
Who decided "have a happy period" was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? "Manslaughter is illegal" would've been more relevant.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary... I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
A group of thugs just beat me senseless All I have left are dollar bills
My phone keeps going missing Serves me right for leaving it on airplane mode
I know a guy addicted to brake fluid He says he can stop at any time
Tasteless Irish joke: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. Happy saint Patricks Day!
"I bought some dodgy steroids last week and I grew another penis" "Anabolic?" "No, just the penis"
They found a new cure for pedophiles: they turn them into dyslexics... #... so they go around looking for [Pop Tarts](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism).
Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer? Rihanna, mate.
If life gives you melons... You're probably dyslexic
Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"
They say "You are what you eat" so I guess we should eat skinny people.
A man goes to a library and asks for a book on Suicide The Librarian says: Fuck off, You wont bring it back.
TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli today Oops... wrong sub
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Did you hear about the tornado that swept through the cemetery? Hundreds dead.
Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is!
Yo mama's so fat, even Dora cannot explore her!
The fridge is a clear example that what really matters is what is inside.
At lunch with 5 of my bestest phones!!!
All rooms are panic rooms if there is no iPhone charger
That awkward moment when the garbage goes out more than you.
What's the difference between a "narrative" and a "circle jerk"? How you spell them.
What did Achilles say when he got hit by an arrow? Aww heel no! Kill me right now.
To much precaution... Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.
Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy? Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away? The newspaper headlines the next day read: #**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
If Anderson Cooper shows up in your country you're fucked. He's pretty much the Angel of Death.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Recently I sailed the 7 seas... And let me tell you, this wasn't my worst report card (Seven seas, Seven C's)
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because that's where he parked his coupe.
some people want youtube to host the VMAs next year... i think there'd be too many ads :/
So I was outside on the farm yesterday when this cow comes charging at me and attempts to jump over the barbed wire fence... It was an udder disaster.
How do you tell which nurse is the head nurse? shes the one with dirty knees
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
*drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *picks up acid* *drops acid* *checks for abs, finds a clown
I call my penis the bogeyman.. Because it's the reason children cry at night.
The doctor told my wife her cervix is still really hard last night. How would the doctor know that without sticking her whole hand......omg
Two nuns riding Down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "neither have i, it's probably the cobbles."
How can you tell when a politician is lying? When their lips move
How's it going? "I'm so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now" You're supposed to say 'fine' & ask how I am. Bye.
What did Germany say to Britain during World War II? I'd luft to waffe a few bombs in your direction.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
what's worse than finding a worm in your apple? half of an adolf hitler
What's the difference between a Trump and an athlete? Athletes know when to stop running.
The last time people got so upset over a cup.. It involved two girls.
My new bucket really does its job well. My old one pails in comparison.
"Hm. I love being bored and injured. I just wish it was also expensive and cold." - the invention of skiing
if the invisible man comes to the door Tell him I can't see him! this was a joke my dad made ok dont judge me judge my dad
Are you nerd ? Yesterday at social get together I was explaining to my friend how android is better than iOS in many respect. A girl in group says, "Are you that cool nerd guy?" I replied, "Yum"
What's the difference between dollars and Jews? I give a shit when I lose 6 million dollars.
why do i wish my lawn was an emo ? SO it would cut itself
Have you seen the new Barbie Doctor doll? You wind her up, and she operates on batteries.
Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
What time is it in Ireland when someone farts too much? Two-forty (use an Irish accent)... It's two-farty
Justice Prevail for Morons
In every teen body-swap film there's that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult. That's my morning routine now.
Donald be careful. Donald watch out. Donald look both ways. Donald Duck!
Astronaut Booty Call... Crater My unit would like to explore your crater.
What is an Arabs favorite fighting technique? Hijab
My classic blasphemy joke in honor of the occasion... A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.
Your Costco ID photo shows you what you'd look like if you were a meth addict.
My favorite genre on Netflix is "watch it again"
Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off. Pupil: You have my permission !
So apparently Curiosity, a Mars rover, found something resembling a mouse... If Mars is suffering from a mouse infestation it's probably because Curiosity killed the cat.
After learning about the Oedipus Complex... ..it was a parent who I was attracted to. *Edit apparent to a parent. This joke is terrible written. Sorry.
Who Loves Debates? De fishes
Q. How do you drown a blonde? A1. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2. Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends on how hard you throw them.
What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor? Feminists.
Before I Die, I Want My Last Words To Be " I Burried The Million Dollars Under The..."
What did the baby sheep say to its mother on the phone? "Miss ewe!"
What do you call twin brothers? A sunset!
How do you think the unthinkable ? "With an itheberg." - Mike Tyson
Its such a shame todays world is so politically correct, you cant even say Black Paint anymore, Instead you have to say "Leeroy please paint the porch"
There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial. Its all the rage.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
What did Blake Edwards say when asked if he had a roomate? Yes, I have a rhuuuum, mate!
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
Why don't the dutch have a space program? Their spaceships Netherland.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I was two woman away from having a threesome last night
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can actually finish a race
How many Asian-American actors does it take to change a light bulb? None - because they would all be replaced by white actors.
What's the opposite of a cock blocker? A Rooster Booster
Some people call me a horse... and to those people I say neigh.
What is Sherlock's favorite season? Fall...
I'm on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy's gonna have a gold medal, and all you'll have is your joke about curling.
A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows... The steaks had never been higher.
My wife thought I was crazy when I suggested a car made out of spaghetti You should've seen her face when I was driving pasta!
*steps on Lego* *stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos* *throws all Legos away* *Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Good for Christian Bale, visiting the victims of the Aurora, Colorado massacre. I heard some of them even got to meet Heath Ledger.
Stevie wonder just got divorced. Bet he didn't see that one coming.
I have an inferiority complex... It's not a very good one though.
hey! if u keep makimg faces like that u'll grow up to be a great physical comedian, able to unite peopel with laughter, adored by all, loved
I saw a guy at the beach yelling ' Help! Shark! Help!' I just laughed at him... I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What did the rubber say when he was offered a job as the high school choir teacher? "I can't, I'm not a conductor." Pffffffhehewheheheheheh.
Comedy is all about timing, timing, and
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My pet mouse Elvis died today He was caught in a trap
What did one the left headphone say to the right headphone as they walked through a haunted house? This place feels earie.
What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent? They can both take about 65 loads.
Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear? It doesn't make sense, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear
Irish Nessie Over in Ireland, in a lake near Dublin, thay have their own Nessie. It's a monster that likes to ring doorbells. It's a knock-less monster.
How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb? Haha, don't be silly. Feminists can't change anything!
I've heard like seven cancer jokes today... If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Hear about that kidnapping? He woke up
Did you hear about the protests going on outside of Madison Square Garden? Everyone was yelling "Hands up, Don't Shoot" but J.R. Smith and Carmelo Anthony just wouldn't listen.
I'm such a cougar magnet. And I'm not talking about middle aged women either, I'm talking about REAL FUCKING COUGARS!
I woke up this morning frightened because my penis had turned completely ORANGE! But then I calmed down when I remembered I was eating Cheetos in bed last night.
Mama said there'd be days like this, and also "knock you out" ??? I don't know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
A Christian telling an atheist that God will punish him ... [x-post from r/atheism] ... is like a hippy telling me that he's going to punch me in the aura.
Dear Garment Manufacturers: Short Shorts should not come in a size 16. Warmest Regards, People with eyes.
U-HAUL, may I help you? "You have any moving boxes?" No all our boxes stay still "Well you better go- wait what?" Stop calling here, Dad
A ham sandwich walks into a bar... Sits down and orders a side of fries, the bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here."
Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means basically the same thing... ...except at a funeral. Edit:Thank you Demitri Martian for the joke
What did one tooth say to the other? Get your cap on the dentist is taking us out tonight.
Why did the frog cross the road.... Because he was taped to the chicken.
Use ANTIVIRUS first Boy: Can I touch u r Software, Girl: First show me u r Hardware, Boy: Can I Download it in u r Hole? Girl: use ANTIVIRUS first.
Tits are like Golf You just play the course you're on.
Why was the geologist arrested? He was doing crystal math.
Always Wanted to get Married My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl. So we converted to Islam.
JESUS: so I'm u GOD: yes JESUS: and ur me GOD: yes JESUS: I don't get it GOD: I do JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other GOD: whoa
What did the Nazi say to the clock that only went: "tick ____ tick ____ tick ____" ? "Ve have Vays of making you tock!"
Q: Who writes ghost stories? A: A ghost writer.
What do you get when you smash two old protons together in the large hadron collider a muon.
believe that the members of the dental  profession are the only men who can tell a women to open or close her mouth and get away with it.
TIL Steve Harvey was the valedictorian of his graduating class. Oh wait, no he wasn't. My mistake.
I buy vodka alone, people give me the "Enough Vodka?" look. I buy vodka with 4 kids, people give me the "Are you sure that's ENOUGH?" look.
What should you do if you are on a picnic with King Kong? Give him the biggest bananas.
Why is Jesus so rich? Because Jesus saves.
My friend just told me he has screwed every girl in his class He is homeschooled
One of the best jokes of all time... Women's Rights
Have you ever been so high you had to pull over and ask someone for directions, and when you do it's your fridge and you're not driving?
me: i dont want any kids person: *low chuckle* oh, you'll change your mind. me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
What's the best part about twenty eight year olds?..... ......There's twenty of them.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
What medications do I take? I'm not sure. The names on my neighbor's prescription bottles are ridiculously long
I went out drinking last night and took a bus home That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
I don't care if you're here to murder me  we take our shoes off in this house.
Why does a redneck hold a knife while driving? So he can cut corners. `Pretty old Dutch joke that surprisingly also works in English.`
Of course I don't put Christmas presents under the tree for the CAT! That's just silly. She gets a stocking.
Men are like floors... Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
What did one pile of burning wood say to the other? Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
My cardboard girlfriend fell apart when I came all over her. I don't think she was cut out for that kind of thing.
Knock knock Who's there? Control freak -- now YOU say, "Control freak who?"
I like my women like I like my coffee Warm and a joy to wake up to in the morning : )
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, "Is that what you're wearing?"
original joke time! The last Pope was always butthurt... They called him the Wholly Salty Sea.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Sorry about the typos lately you gays.
How do you know when your gf is getting fat? When she fits into your wifes clothes
What did San Andreas said to the Earthquake? This is all your fault!
NEW YORK STATE OF MIND Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Have you guys tried Wookie meat? I heard that it's a little Chewy
What do two rednecks getting divorced and a tornado have in common? Someone is going to lose a trailer.
Going Straight to Hell Q: How to Ethiopians celebrate their child's first birthday? A: They place flowers on the grave.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Insert penis joke here. Ha.
What was Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE.
What do you call a collection of Tyler Perry's movies? Fifty Shades of Black
What's black and blue and HATES sex? The kid in my trunk.
girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was 'too much' & it was 'too sweet' so I ate her frosting & then I ate her
Don't mess with muslins... They have short fuses.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My plumber finally quit on me... He couldn't take any more of my crap. Sorry that this isn't a CLEAN joke. Heh
I'm on a whiskey diet I've lost three days already.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have. He has three, a Left ear, right ear... and a final front ear.
What happens when you click A on thIs post Someone unkowingly gives me internet points.
Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did. All of mine sucked.
"Choose password" > 123bob "Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters" > gameofthrones "OK"
I think my coffee pot is an alcoholic It gets drunk at least once a day even when no one else is around
How do you look for Will Smith? Look for Fresh Prints
What did the creationist student say when asked why he didn't have his homework on natural selection? My dogma ate it.
I'll never become a vegetarian I think it would be a huge missed steak.
TV before 6pm: "Men are idiots." TV after 6pm: "Women are idiots" TV after midnight: "Abs are easy to get!"
Q: Why is sex like math? A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked ON the moon, and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.
What's a cats most common written thought? ,.........mmmnhhhhgcdddxxdtyyhhbvbbb
Girls be having unprotected sex but then have the best case for their iPhone. They care more about their phone than their pussy
I love having sex on a camping trip... It's fucking intents
A man asked sombody for the time The person replied "3:15". The first guy says "that's odd, I've been asking the same question all day and I've been getting different answers each time!
I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you. But sometimes I put both my legs in the same pant leg and pretend I'm a mermaid.
Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend? Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.
my mate rang me earlier.... My mate rang me earlier and says "Hey dude, what you up to?" "Probably failing my driving test" I say
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist bastard. What else would it be? (Courtesy of "True Detective" screenplay writers)
I would never exaggerate... ...in a million years.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents: "Trees. LOL." "I was born once. Pickles." "Spice Girls" "Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one."
Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100? Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.
They say time flies like the wind.. But fruit flies like bananas
I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter... ... he didn't move diagonally
You ordered your steak rare?! Well done.
A bunch of coworkers approached me and asked if I was gay... So I told them, "My pen is with her at the moment."
Interviewer: I don't see a phone # for your reference Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly
My brothel has no regular customers... People just cum and go.
What is hard to get from Straight men? Straight answers about relationships.
how is bungee jumping like having sex? a life depends on whether or not the rubber breaks
Did you hear about the 2 men who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.
Report - Sharks have difficulty finding work 51 weeks every year.
Why can't woman drive? Because there are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!!
I had my first date last night! Such an underrated fruit.
The teacher asked Simon to say his name  backwards. "No mis" he replied
What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe? One's got hydraulics, the other's got high bollocks.
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile
Why did the sweet toothed scientist blow up his monkey? He wanted some Rhesus pieces.
BREAKING NEWS! Lorena Bobbitt involved in a road rage incident. She cut off some dick in traffic.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Staple food to the ceiling.
Has the airplane joke been posted yet? Eh never mind, it'll go over your head.
At my high school reunion while everyone was bragging I said,"I'm finally allowed in public without an armed chaperone."
Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore? Because days of fuchsia passed
What is the sound of one hand typing? Fap-fap-fap.
Dad, was I a cocky teenager? Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam.... DAAAD!
How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb? Idk, its too dark to tell them apart.
*takes call from mom* *puts mom on speaker* *cleans entire house*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Barbie's head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a "giant child" did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
What do you call a black man flying plane? A pilot you racist.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include "Death To America" in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I've ever written.
What do you call it when 4 giraffes collide? A giraffic jam!
"Ladies and Gents." That concludes our tour of the toilets.
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters Does that mean girls with one leg work at IHOP?
Why did the male koala invite the female koala over to his bamboo. He wanted to have a treesome.
I feel really bad for kids in third world countries... They have to go through puberty and their mid-life crisis at the same time.
I like my women how I like my coffee. Small, dark, and made by my parents.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I know what piece of currency Harriet Tubman should be on a .60 cent coin
I can't believe carotene is STILL in its beta phase.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? because they're ugly and they stink.
Where do you put a black jew? the back of the oven!!!!
You're a special combination of disappointment, and What The Fcuk!?'
What's Hillary Clinton's e-mail password? I don't know, but the Russians do.
Did you hear about the physicist who moonlighted as a romance novelist? He wrote complete works of friction.
A Pirate Walks into a Bar A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Are you aware that there is a steering wheel in your pants?" "ARRR IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS."
Recent studies have shown that women who have 2 glasses of wine per day are more likely to have a stroke. Women who have a bottle of wine per day might even suck on it
What do you call a helicopter mixed with a rhino? Well hell-if-i-know!
I would like to make a pun about philosophy,... ...but I Kant.
Did you hear about the vintage attache with a perfectly working clasp? It was a classic open-and-shut case.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I lost my voice so basically I'm every mans dream girl right now.
Donald Trump admitted today that he contracted an STD. He has hairpiece.
I've been on reddit so much I'm gravely ill now... I think I caught a computer virus.
The bartender says, "hey we don't serve neutrinos in here!" A neutrino walks into a bar.
[at restaurant] Me: "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" Wife: "I'm the same" Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
What did the sister cell say to her sister cell when she stepped on her foot? Ow Mytosis! Credits to Amanda Damiani
Been a while since the last Pauly Shore movie. He must be trying to make it perfect.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
A Roman receives a text message.... A Roman receives a text message and looks at it confused. "Why does it end with twenty?" he thinks to himself.
In England violent sports fans are called hooligans. What are they called in America? Americans.
After my friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow. I also taught it to say, "Dave, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"
Everybody thinks they are cool... Until they fuck up a handshake with a black guy.
My Iguana has been having trouble getting enough blood into his weenus; he has areptile dysfunction.
Planning a murder/suicide is kind of pessimistic, what if the murder part cheers you up?
How do you know an angle is dead? When it shows no vital sines
When you find it hard to keep a girl, find a girl that keeps it hard.
Two aliens sitting in a bar... The first looks at the second and says "bleep loop do dooee day baaarrggg" The second looks ask at the first a d says "shut up frank, you're drunk"
Some 1-oz liquor glasses were let go from a local pub recently. Shots fired
What do you say when you are trying to comfort a grammar nazi? There, their, they're
I remember 2010 like it was yesterday
Why was Cinderella kicked out of Walt Disney World? Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to start telling lies.
What is the difference between a bus station filled with elderly and a crab with boobs? One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
Mayweather goes 48-0 49-0 if you count his wife
Vin Diesel: Is it fast? Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast. Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I heard women in this country only get 78 for every dollar a man earns... On the bright side, we get to keep 22
I was watching the women's Golf earlier. They couldn't drive, but boy, can they use an iron.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Dismembered
Why did god create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn! :D
Why would Louis and Clark adore living in todays age? Because the difficulty in finding the North-West passage significantly declined once we discovered it was Kim Kardashian's vagina.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology? It was a little over their heads
What's a Japanese person's hangover cure? Soba Noodles
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work. She got fired too.
I heard the best geography joke today... I would tell you but you had to be there.
When people say they're a foodie it's no big deal.. but when people find I'm a drinker they're all "stop the car" and "we're calling the police".
me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month sally: go see gary in HR, he's pretty flexible [walks in on gary doing yoga]
CREATION OF MAN God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses Angel: Yes, my Liege
Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans? We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.
The Mafia secret What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Would you slap your cousin for $1,000,000? I'd do it for free, bitch.
Why did the rancher get out of the hemp-fed beef market? The steaks were too high.
Dad jokes are real.... What do you call a Cow with no legs? "Ground Beef"
What do you call a helpful potato? A Facilitater
You never know what you've got until... you clean your room.
Want to know if your wife loves you as much as your dog? Lock them both in a trunk of a car and see who's happy to see you when you open it to let them out
Log Entry 21: it's been 3 weeks & we're still lost in this Macy's. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off.
Are we Thor yet? Are we Thor yet? Are we Thor yet? Are we Thor yet? - How to annoy an Avenger when you're on a road trip.
Why do scientists call helium , curium and barium the medical elements? Because, if you can't helium or curium , you'd barium!
What did the swollen prostate say during the prostatectomy? I'm out, urine.
I hate how politically correct the world is today Instead of saying "Black paint" I now have to say "Jamal please paint"
You can't run in a camp site. You can only ran because it's past tents.
Wife: What did I ask you to do? Me: Love you forever? W: M: Kill a man to defend you honor? W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER I was getting there.
How does an engineer screw a light-bulb? He holds the light-bulb over the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
[Apple meeting] We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan. "How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices." Too honest, Carl.
Let's spend the rest of our next 5 to 7 years together.
Do you know why fruits don't get married? Because they cantaloupe.
Remember to check on your elderly neighbors to see if they have anything worth stealing.
Just saw a friend I haven't seen in 5 years ...he says: "I still use your Netflix password!"
What is the difference between the US and yogurt? If you leave yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.
Fellas, If you kill a spider while you're at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex. P.S. Bring a spider.
How do you make a fireman cry? Kill his family.
"Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite." --Guy who doesn't understand how sleep works
Why wasn't the joke funny at the dance? There wasn't a punch line.
your momma so stupid she got locked in a  groceiry store and starved.
I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it'd be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
Did you hear about the Darth Vader rape allegations? After they said no, he used the Force.
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere
When I jerk off I like to sit on my other hand until it gets numb, then change to that hand right at the last minute . . . I call it "the old 'bate and switch"!
What do you call it when you turn into a vampire before being bitten? Premature Edraculation
Whats the question to the answer "it's a cockrobin" What's that up my ass Batman?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Mom, am I ugly? "I told you not to call me mom in front of people"
The seven dwarfs were in the hot tub feeling happy... ...so Happy left.
guy who wrote the Folgers jingle never got woken up with a blowjob.
Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer? The grass tickles their balls!
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines: -Badger juggling -Heroin enemas -Grenade soup -Live cobra condoms -Roman candle tampons -Ebola
I bought my wife a dildo and a book for her birthday.. If she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself.
Shortest joke a software developer can tell: "I'll be ready soon." Software Engineering try o do work smart not to work hard.
How do you tell the sex of an ant? If it floats, it's a boy-ant.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means
Where do weeaboos holiday? Kawaii
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it's a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I'm studying Feminism at my university It basically covers different periods in history.
What did George Michael say to his partner before he went to work? Wake me up before you go-go
Two girls and a cup walk into a bar They get shitfaced
Cyclists who don't obey the rules of the road should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.
[kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Amazon. "Why's it take 9 months?" Shipping. Go to sleep.
What did the turkey say to the goat? The turkey said gobble, gobble, gobble. The goat said back abdul akbar before blowing up.
BEST JOKE EVER What did the man with leprosy say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
What do you call a mushroom that picks up the bar tab? A FUNGI to be with!
Meet the female version of Thor Whor
How did one goldfish get the attention of another goldfish? He yelled, "A u, fish!"
Your mom farted... And the Universe came into being.
My friend told me he found a Gaylord Perry rookie card in his attic. Incredible. I had no fucking clue they made trading cards for the cast of Friends.
Boss: go to hell Me: so stay? or leave? I'm confused
What do you call a fat pedophile? Molesterol
Did you hear what what Dr Dre is calling his new social media platform? Beats me.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn't let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Every frozen yogurt store feels like you're hanging out inside a Japanese girl's backpack.
Two blondes walk into a building... You'd think one of em would have seen it! Ba dum tss
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
A woman calls the police claiming a one armed man is trying to kill her... They say to her "don't worry about him mam, he's hARMLESS."
My favorite one-liner. So, I was with this blind chick last night. She said, "You have the biggest penis I ever felt!" I said, "Ahh, you're pulling my leg."
Procrastination - Making a better today, tomorrow
You can't lose a homing pigeon... If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.
He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good... Sounds like Santa's had Facebook way before us.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Two men walk in to a bar... Which is really stupid because the second one should've seen it coming.
You've got to really be careful when ingesting shoes... cause they're usually laced
I invited a girl to a disappointing sex club last night. She didn't come.
I heard she accidentally spilled her chocolate milkshake on her white poodle- -knick knack paddy whack give the dog a... bath!!!
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Does putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?
imagine treating the ask a swede hotline like a sex hotline... "so, what are you wearing?" "sensible athletic wear, yah!" "ughhhhhhhh."
MARRIAGE PROTIP - Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Why does Pope Francis call his dick Santa? Because he comes to the good kids only.
I like my coffee like I like my women Not too hot. That way I can stick my dick in em.
"911, what's your emergency?" "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller." "That's really funny." "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."
Watch out for the black ice outside of the bank. It'll rob you of your balance.
Where does a black Jew stand? At the *back* of the gas chamber.
How to beat depression: 1) Talk to someone 2) When that person says "just cheer up," beat that person with a baseball bat.
I thought I loved you but it turned out I just had too much coffee.
"The New York Times" isn't the punchline... but... http://www.politico.com/blogs/media/2015/01/correction-of-the-day-200768.html?ml=tl_4
A woman goes on a fishing trip with 20 guys. The only thing she came home with was a Red Snapper
Couldn't get into the library the other day... ... it was fully booked.
My Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the funeral I guess I'm not a mourning person
A Guy In A Wheel Chair said... A guy in a wheel chair said " you know what I can't stand"
What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One less drunk...
A tree falls on my kitchen, who's dead? My wife, if she doesn't clean that shit up.
I made a bet with my sister that I could make a working car out of spaghetti.. ..you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
What's the difference between a black man and an archealogist? One is a nerdy digger.
"Sorry, I lost the name of that person you just met 5 mins ago. But check this out, I found the complete lyrics to Paul Revere!" - my brain
Knowledge is Power They always say knowledge is power, but I'm pretty sure I can beat up Stephen Hawking.
My mouth smells like a cave someone shoved a bunch of dead animals into, because that's what it is.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve.
Grandpa: "My joints are stiff." Me: "Don't roll them so tight."
WIFE: I love you NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well
My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
What term is used to describe a phenomenon where a European mans ejaculates prematurely? Pole Position
Why don't Superman's farts smell? Because krypton gas is odourless.
My attitude in exams, they give me questions I don't know, I give them answers they don't know..
Drake like his women like... I like my Mustang... 47 years old.
Why do elephants have trunks ? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases !
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer ? Mice cubes !
Summing up things about this year 2015: I am officially THE WORST YEAR EVER! 2016: Hold my beer.
Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?
Comment your best recent THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID Jokes of recent life situations
What brand of computer is best at singing? A Dell
My phone corrects "haha" to "hahaha", so all my friends think they're 50% funnier than they actually are.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock, knock.
Why does Daenerys take so long to get places? She keeps *dragon* her feet.
Raise the bar ..? Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
What is a baby bee? A little humbug.
Why did the girl who worked for the telephone company sing all the time? Because she was an operetta (operator).
My girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, i thought she was joking.. ..and then i saw her face.
Last night I got drunk and lonely, so I tried the peanut butter with my dog trick... ...still tasted like dog cock.
*picks up the bagel again* sorry i gotta take this one *leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My parents told me I should start watching less television and read more So I turned the subtitles on
I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class ? Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home !
A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.
What do you get when American pioneers develop a video game? They manifest Destiny
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.
All I want is a gummy bear that's the size of a grizzly.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white stallions fell in the mud.
How do you fix a broken website? With stick e-tape.
What do you call a group of hookers? A whorde.
After a lot of deliberation I've decided communism isn't right... It's left
Q: What is a monster's favourite game? A: Swallow the leader.
I don't think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me "just be yourself".
The Comcast repairman asked if he could use my bathroom. I guess he had to cut some cable.
What happens when you plant a sesame seed? Does a sesame grow? What is a sesame? Where my botanists at? Where the hell am I?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The best part of being single is being able to sleep around... You get to sleep all over your bed. Left, right, diagonal, or in the middle.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry.
A few women sit at a table quietly...
How is a dyslexic stand-up like an MMA fighter who comes home to find his GF in a gangbang? They both punchup the fuckline.
How many /r/Jokes users does it take to screw in a lightbulb Six. One to actually do it, and five to complain how it's the same one they've seen before.
What do ghosts drink? BOOOOOZE
A red piller, an MRA, and a gamergator walks into a bar The bartender asks him to leave because bars are 21+ Credit: /u/reese_ridley
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? Cats have claws at the end of their paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
The Oklahoma fraternity just shut down for racism has re-opened under a different charter They now call themselves the "Tri-Kaps"
When two vegetarians are arguing Is it still considered beef?
My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we're playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.
Why come cats purr? It's your pussy's way of saying "I love you."
Do 90-year-old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.
72 What is 72? 69 with 3 people watching!
What do you call a Messiah that enjoys pain? A masochrist.
What is Beethoven doing these days? Decomposing.
Here is an old joke my old man used to tell me There is a 4 year old, 6 year old, 8 year old, 10 year old, and me trying to catch a home run ball. Who gets the ball? Me because fuck them
Did you know a load of hairy gay Theodore Roosevelt impersonators had a meal in the park today? It was the Teddy Bear's picnic.
Deer: I have a proposal for you Rabbit: I'm all ears Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing Rabbit: That's pretty hurtful Jeff
The KKK, Black Lives Matter And Westboro Baptist Church Throw Urine At Each Other Outside RNC. Reports are still unclear as to what pissed them all off.
I like my women like I like my panic attacks Ready to fuck me without a moment's notice
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers *watches slowest jousting match ever
Date: any pets? Me: a pet rock D: lol at least u don't have to housetrain it Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Occasionally, I like to go to Walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that? ME: a dog ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that? ME: dog ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I made an appointment but it was cancelled. It was ... disappointing.
A man inserted an advertisement in the  classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."  - The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."
I tried to make belt out of watches... ...but it was just a waist of time.
A jumper cable walks into a bar The bartender says, "Sure, you can stay, but don't start anything!"
Typos change everything Mollahs wanted to bring the scientific method to Iran, but then someone in the process mistyped "trial and error" into "rial and terror"
How do you know when you're in a true, tough lesbian bar? Even the pool tables have no balls
1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator? Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life? Fred and George Weasley.
A teacher asks her class what noise a pig makes... Lil Tyrone raises his hand and says "Freeze mothafucka!" I guess there aren't any farms in Detroit.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary code and those who do not.
A bank is a place that will lend you money... if you can prove that you don't need it.
What type of stories do cocaine addicts write? Snort stories
My family tried an "Unplugged Evening", and that's how we accidentally killed Nana
"When I learned how to edit videos I felt like the Flash..." Friend: "Why, because you fast learner?" Me: "No, because I fucked up the timeline."
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The question is: how do they get in there?
Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby  sister? I'd much rather have a jelly baby.
Me: You'll always be my girl. Daughter: Even if I break stuff? Me: Depends on which stuff.
What do you call a bored motherfucker? Grandpa
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content -WTF -OMG -Huh -FAIL -LOL -NOPE -why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls? Parker gets paid for his selfies.
Life with me is like a roller coaster. There's a weight limit.
She told me to give her 10 inches, and make it hurt... ... so I gave it to her three times, and punched her in the nose.
I hate math.. I'll give you a number of reasons why!
For what a college education costs these days, I think most kids would just prefer to buy a helicopter.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out "Oh come on. Even I've done THAT!"
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
How I flirt is how I run. It's funny to watch, I have no form, and I end up sweating like a mother fucker whenever it's over.
After sex, a girl once told me I had a small penis. She was cool, though. She never told any of her friends... She never told anyone. Anything. Ever. Again.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm gay.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now Son: Dad it's me Dad: *head turned 180* who Son: very funny Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Brobbits before Hobbits
A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar r/Jokes mods ban them for having different beliefs than them
Why do we still call them newspapers when most of them aren't on paper... and most of them don't contain news?
I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win. No pun in 10 did.
Two ladies meet up for coffee... The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack." (I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
What does ABC stand for? American dyslexia association.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I am forced to give up golf after breaking my leg. I fell off the ball washer.
How do you spot a egocentric vocalist? They warm up singing, 'Mi, mi, mi.... Mi!'
All these jokes about small hands are getting lazy. And you know what they say about lazy jokes. Bad punch lines.
Adding "and shit" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
3 mods walk into a strip club [removed]
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I think my new neighbor is a rapist, but that's because I say, "...said the rapist." after every one of his sentences.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU'RE NOT THERE THAT'S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
What do you call an angry toilet? Pissed off
Two fish swim into a concrete wall... The one fish turns to the other and says "Damn".
"If Bernie doesn't get the nom, I'm voting Trump." "Also, if McDonald's is out of chicken nuggets, I'm going to eat 20 scorpions."
While I was watching the prison wall, a little midget starting climbing over it and smirked at me And I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending".
Old Wang says to his friend Old Chen It is so sweet, you have been married 50 years and you still call your wife 'sweetheart'. What is your secret? Chen says, "it is because I have forgotten her name"
What does a gas discharge lamp? Fart fart fart XD
The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. "It's 5486," says one guy, but it could've been 8 guys.
RACIST: im a racist! ME: uh oh RACIST: yea I race cars! ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means RACIST: & I hate Jews! ME: there it is
i've dated so many tools i could open a home depot
It takes many nails to build a crib... ...but only one screw to fill it.
Did you hear the AIDS joke? You haven't? Never mind, I don't want to spread it.
Why did the Teletubbies find it hard to pee? They only have one Tinkie-Winkie
The only way I'll leave my phone in a cab is if I leave my arm in a cab.
I just stopped at a yellow light to give myself a few extra seconds to craft this tweet.
I was buying milk in a plastic bottle and the guy behind me was buying milk in a glass bottle and the power of his judgement turned me vegan
What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? One sees a glass half full, the other doesn't care because the glass is going to fall and break anyways.
What did Steve Harvey say after announcing Miss Universe 2015 It was just a prank bro
I think my neighbor's dog is in heat. She's been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.
What did Jesus' disciples say when he caught all those fishes? HOLY MACKAREL!
I'm either tired or hungry at all times. Often both.
Wanna know how I tell my sister is on her period? My Dad's dick tastes like blood.
I Hate Christmas! And whoever started it should be nailed to a cross!!
What do Oranges and Apples have in common? They're both orange except for the Apple.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a? small medium at large.
Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes
What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke? The punch line.
An slow witted poultry farmer says to his friend, "If can guess how many chickens I have in this bag... ...I'll give them both to you!".
What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars? The Cat in the AT-AT
So JLO has a new movie in theaters? Hasn't she had 'Enough'?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
What goes up but doesn't come down? A kangaroo stuck in a tree.
So this dentist in my area was arrested for being a drug dealer on the side, selling meth, heroine, etc. I for one am shocked! I didn't know he was a dentist!
I'm a ventriloquist. I can put my hand up your skirt and make your lips move!
The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime? Don't talk with someone in your mouth.
Women are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental.
"Is there a genius in the house?! It's an emergency!" *I start to get up from table* *wife discretely stops me* *I silently agree with wife*
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
You're so ugly that your mustache is thicker then my dads
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I would rate my skill at psychic abilitys... medium.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar The bartender asks her "why the long face?" !
"Count your blessings. Then count them again." - OCD optimist
Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house?
It's annoying how mirrors are always all like, "Hey, c'mere. I wanna show you something gross about you."
I used to date a girl that played softball... She dumped me because I wouldn't go to second base.
what do you call a sad cranberry? a blueberry =[
Just walked in on Mark Zuckerberg writing down the contents of my medicine cabinet.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth!
What's the difference between a honda and a Porsche? Paul Walker wouldn't be caught dead in a Honda
My grandpa may be having trouble with his memory, but he still has a great sense of humor. He just told me this one: Why was the broom late for work? Because 7,8,9
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout? High Moon!
I like to make intense direct eye contact with the person in the vehicle next to me at a stop light while I pick my nose.
I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write "Actually, Vanessa, YOU'RE the one who's being 'dramatic'."
Why did EA cross the road? BUY THE SEASON PASS TODAY TO FIND OUT!
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $6000 Loan And the bartender says, "Look, lady. Do you want something to drink or not?"
Baywatch Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts? A: Silicon Valley.
If a velociraptor is running.. and he speeds up, does he become an acceleraptor?
You know what the most infuriating thing ever is? [removed]
Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
Can't sleep. Just miss Circuit City a lot right now.
I watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup" for the articles.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night... and she says "wow your really well hung" to which I respond "you're pulling my leg"
Don't mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.
If you send more than one Facebook invitation to the same thing, I will come & shit right in the middle of whatever it is.
#NAME?
It's way more acceptable to be fat if you have an SUV.
What do you call it when Darth Vader moves one foot? The Imperial March
Why did God put the ring on Saturn? Because he liked it.
Who does Luke Skywalker ask to charge his lightsaber? Char-Jar Binks
When cows jump over barbed wire fences.... there is udder destruction!
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I'm afraid to commit another one.
If you want sex... A man tells his wife in bed that if she wants sex to reach over and pull on it once. If she doesn't, reach over and pull it 100 times.
What has 4 legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
do you think my parents divorced because I'm too handsome like they said
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the Fresh Prints.
Fuck. I just mentioned that it was my birthday as a pickup line to this hot girl at the bar and her fat friend is now asking about cake.
Why wouldn't Hannibal Lecter eat clowns? Because they tasted funny.
My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week-----together. He's so demanding!
And then God made Saturn. And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Why did the elephant turn around in the airport and go home? He forgot to pack his trunk.
Who says love is dead? Necrophiliacs
What goes cackle cackle squelch squelch?  A witch in soggy trainers.
I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
Stop taking my book seriously - God
What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snow balls
The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
Chinese culture lesson In china people used to eat weed That's why they saw dragons and can't open their eyes again.
Guess what God said to Joan Rivers when she just arrived in Heaven? Thank you, Bruce really needed those botox to make his wife and daughters as beautiful as he is
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
"The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead" - Bedtime at George R.R. Martin's house
Grandma is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
Started my new job yesterday, and have to go back in today already. THIS IS BULLSHIT.
Here is my online impression of an extractor fan. I used to like tractors. I don't now
If you see me running down the road crying, it's because I hate running.
HOW DO PIGS TALK? SWINE LANGUAGE.
Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit? He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.
If Kim Kardashian is allowed to sue Old Navy b/c a model looks like her, then Khloe Kardashian should expect a lawsuit from Chewbacca.
a seal walks into a club eh
Wife: "I saw a huge owl on my way home. Almost hit it with my car." Me: "Wow!" Wife: "Sorry, the correct response is 'O RLY?'"
gonna give my zombie friend several different brains for his deathday. Took a while to get the shopping done. Finally got some presents of mind.
Dentist switches lamp on: "Now open wide" Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb* Dentist: "This has to stop Denise"
Did you hear about the iguana that couldn't mate in captivity? He had a reptile disfunction.
Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station? The police were left with nothing to go on.
Don't ever forget the 'L' if you ever Google - Grandfather Clock
What's the final step before a sorority girl gets initiated? Basic Training
Skrillex used to play string instruments in the orchestra, until he dropped the bass.
How do you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Subway Did you use to work at subway, because you just gave me a foot-long.
What does rappers eat for breakfast? Yo-ghurt.
Im finally using reddit how it was meant to be used And ive run out of toilet paper
I just ate a salad that was so bad, Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about it.
When I was in college, I went to a party at the math fraternity house. I left when I found out they didn't have any booze; they didn't want people to drink and derive.
Who are a fat person's two best friends Ben and Jerry.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you? 3-year-old: A cloud. Me: No, what do you imagine it could be? 3-year-old: Rain.
What do you call a deer that has really good eyesight? Good idea. Hint: Good eye-deeeeah
I hate school and got caught skipping the other day... My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."
I just finished reading Old Man by the Sea I really don't understand what all the fuss is about.
What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke Warm
How can you tell if a hippy came to your house? He's still there.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you're right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Canadian summer I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?" He said "No! I was working that day."
BREAKING NEWS Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015 Use it while you can, white girls
A man walks into a bar.... /r/im14andthisisdeep I might not be doing this right
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because killing people with knives was got boring.
How did horses get to America in the 1700's? On the Hayflower!
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? Because he needed his space.
Relationship status: -Applies sunscreen to wall. -Rubs back on wall.
Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning Because I can't get out of bed.
What does an army of fire ants have in common with a horny dolphin? Both come in waves.
why do sandwich fillings look weird ? Cos they're in bread
An American, a British and a German walks into a busy bar... bartender says," GET THE HELL OUT, I GOT NO TIME FOR JOKES'.
the best thing about hair glitter is that you don't have to use it
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you're not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
What is the difference between a rental car and a Humvee? You can take a rental car anywhere.
I was in Ethiopia and I thought I may as well have a threesome... ...you know - two birds, one stone.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fowls in the corner!
There are two types of people in the world: Those that can extrapolate from imperfect data
Trev's antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, "I'm sorry you feel threatened by my triceps."
i hate that one occasional cadbury cream egg you get that has a bloody malformed cadbury bunny fetus inside
My gardener is completely incompetent He keeps soiling himself
Maybe this lady is trying to perpendicular park.
I accidentally pooped my pants during a 5 hour long company meeting today. It was super embarassing, but a man's gotta doo when a man's gotta doo.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Yo momma's so old she has a separate entrance for black guys.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I keep getting a pain when driving where the road goes under the river, but only when I have other people in the car. The doctor says it's car pool tunnel syndrome.
What do you call a shitty band that only plays in the winter? Coldplay.
Why did the UN outlaw diet pills? Because they're weapons of mass destruction.
The job interviewer asked about my previous experience. "Well," I began, "I got the bus. Got lost for a while, walked down some narrow roads and I ended up here."
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan. EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O
What do you call a woman that won't make a sandwich? An ambulance.
Niggas be like.. ..OH HELL NO!
A black man with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar, and the impressed bartender asks: "Where'd you get that? " The parrot shrieks.... "*AFRICA!*"
What do you call a robot with bad breath who's sister lives on its foot? HAL-i-toe-sis
[job interview] What experience do you have plucking chickens? Me: See all those hairs on my chin? No. Me: Exactly.
Can someone tell old people about call waiting, turn signals, and debit/check cards?
I know they say faith.. I know they say faith can move mountains but we have all seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
Why Christmas is like a job day? You do all the work but the big fat man in suit get the credits
Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother's love isn't enough for him. #IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio
Confucius say If you poop on a leave, you will have shitty thyme
How many heretics does it take to change a lightbulb? We're not sure, they've yet to see the light.
What animal spins around about 200 times after it dies? A rotisserie chicken
What do you call a Mexican that's in the rebellion? A Rogue Juan
when life gives you lemons make apple juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
{Driving behind semi} *Sees the 'How Am I Driving' sign* *Panics* Hello?! There's a problem. Your driver doesn't understand how he's driving
What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish? Cod dam
Couldn't finish my plate of breakfast nachos, so now I'm furiously searching WebMD for what ails me.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he's doing so well! wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Why are Juggalos obsessed with hatchets? Felons can't buy guns
I just finished writing a book on dolphins. I should have used paper.
Hello! Is this the police ? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!
No I in team Word of advice; if anyone ever gives you the "There is no I in team!" speach, you look him dead in the eye and say "true, but there is a 'U' in dumb."
There are a lot of good times... But 6:30 is hands down the best time.
What do people do when a chemist dies? They barium.
I support farming and math... I'm pro-tractor.
Her: I really want nachos!! Me: *changes name to nachos*
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
Being married to a photographer is depressing... ...they're always looking at the negatives.
The word 'twice' is so good they named it 'Twice'.
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each-other.
if eren jaeger is a teenager and he's also a titan wouldn't that make him a.... *teen titan* http://imgur.com/R6lGaGL
I've survived 23 years by pretending to be smarter than I am. I tell people I excel in Academia but I can't even point Academia out on a map
Why are black people so good at basketball? They are experienced in running, stealing and shooting.
What game show do pickles play? Dill or No Dill
[MORBID] What do black people and apples have in common? They both look better hanging.
A good way to stand out from the competition at a job interview is to bring your resume on a floppy disk.
I'm a member of DAM Mothers Against Dyslexia
There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine. Camera man, light and sound technician.
How does a watch maker tell you he likes you? With a romantic tock.
How to Jews travel? By air.
How do you get a redneck to give a dog a blowjob? Dip the dog's dick in ranch dressing.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua* "Wait, if you're here then that means" *cut to a horse peeking it's head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Dad asks his kids what the third planet from the sun is called? Kids: - Earth! Dad: - Yeah, but it has another name. Kids: - Oh, dad. We don't know! Tell us! Dad: - Exactly! [drops mic]
This rude guy asked my wife if she shaves her asshole..... And she said "No, my husband shaves himself".
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Why did the ghost go into rehab? He had a problem with boos.
If I were a famous president I would totally use money as photo I.D.
People think Jesus was so great... But all he did was give fish to a thousand people. &amp;nbsp; You forget that Hitler made 6 million people toast.
I like my women like I like my coffee Bitter
You know is an election year when... ...you type "P" into your browser and Primary Results comes up before Porn.
Did anyone else hear about the nasty crash involving a mustang and a t-bird? There was horse shit and feathers everywhere!
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq? Iran.
What's the most popular occupation in Italy? Pastatution.
I can't remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn't available.
My doctor told me a joke the other day he left me in stitches.
[train station] Man: hey you. Woman: Hi. M: i'm Christian. W: That's a pickup line? *rolls eyes, walks away M: ugh. i hate my name.
I started a band called 999 Megabytes ... we haven't gotten a gig yet
I got really drunk last night, so I decided to take the bus home... I've never driven a bus before!
what kind of pants does a monkey wear? ma-khakis
I'm opening a Canadian-Russian fusion restaurant... It's called Vladimir Poutine.
Why were the strawberries sad? Because their mother was in a jam!
If we drown in this upcoming hurricane, would that make us... ...the Joaquin Dead?
If you like drunk girls in really high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Coworker sneezed, and said "Oh my. I don't know where that came from." I'm no Scientist, but I'm pretty sure it came from her nose.
Is my ambition to be a plumber just a pipe dream?
i hate it when people don't know the difference between ur and u'r
Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum? He was just minding his Ps and Qs.
My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
(Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth. Then it became a parent.
Why does Santa have a garden? So he can hoe-hoe-hoe! ^^^^^That's_a_knee_slapper...
"Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."
What was Hamlet screaming when running around a circle ? 2(pi)r or not 2(pi)r....(snicker)
How many 9GAGers does it take to change a lightbulb? Exactly the same amount as the Redditors on /r/AdviceAnimals and /r/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu .
You guys hear about the gay midget? ya, he finally came out of the cupboard.
My girlfriend is like a bagpipe When I squeeze her she makes annoying noises.
I really hate people who never have bread for breakfast... You can say I'm lack toast intolerant I'll ^see ^^myself ^^^out
A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?" I said, "1080p"
I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
Making holy water from regular water is easy. Just boil the hell out of it.
How did US felt when Trump is elected as the president? TRUMPmatized. (Traumatized, ^get^it?^ha^ha^kill^me^please )
What did cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Choking Noises*
Q: How many Librans does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
GTA V for the PC is taking so long to release... all of the radio stations will play classic hits.
*Clark Kent takes his glasses off* Jimmy: "OMG, it's Superman!" *Clark puts his glasses back on* "OMG, Clark! You just missed Superman!"
I could never commit suicide I just couldn't live with it...
I'm such an alcoholic.... That when Alcohol does its taxes, it claims me as its dependant!
My girlfriend called me a pedophile I was impressed, that is a big word for a two year old. I'll see myself out....
what do cats and menstruating girls have in common? Both on the rag
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live ME: ok cool *just sits there* TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF-- ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I'm going to to start a horse peeing race, The award will be called the trickle crown.
A great tribute from the Brazil team to Neymar. He couldn't play so the rest of the players decided not to either.
What do you call a fish that's on its way to somewhere? Salmon en route
When is the best time to have diarrhea? During scrabble. Because it's worth a shitload of points. - Zach Galifianakis
How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she can fit into your wife's clothes.
To neigh or not to neigh... That is equestrian.
What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety? Past tense.
Being early to work is a dead giveaway that I'm still asleep and having a bad dream.
I've already received over 150 RSVPs to my Halloween Shindig... It's going to be a Monster Party.
I just got a new watch for my ex-wife Seems like a fair trade.
How do the Chinese come up with names for their kids? They throw a tin can down the stairs.
difference between erotic and kinky Erotic is is rubbing a feather all over your lover; Kinky is using the chicken.
Whats the only thing more White Supremacists then hardcore Rednecks The Oscars
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
A man walks into a bar... ...and has a concussion.
What do you call an impotent lizard? A reptile dysfunction
TIL this is a shameless copy of one of the top posts on this sub just changing a few words Woops wrong sub
My wife just told me she's pregnant. God, I hope it's not mine.
When your iPod stops working, it floats. Because it doesn't sync.
The STAR WARS super agressive marketing will probably change the name of Easter to "The Christ Awakens"
This apple tastes terrible. It must be the way I'm holding it.
If someone asked me to choose my favorite body part... I'd pick my nose.
Man! It's raining cats and dogs out there! *MEEEW* SPLAT! *AARFF* SPLAT! Did I close my sunroof? SON OF BITCH!
What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
What goes ha, ha, ha, clunk? A man laughing his head off.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...
What do you get when you cross a leopard and a camel? A fireside rug you can get a good hump on. Source: Jo Brand on QI S3; Cat's Eyes
What do you call a French whore? Lahore.
Why don't Jews eat pussy? Because it's too close to the gas chamber
What do you tell a woman with a black eye? Nothing, she's already been told twice.
I work out at the same time every day... tomorrow.
I took the batterys out of my carbon monoxide detector. It was beeping the whole week, and my roof told me to.
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Besides OP's mom, Which character would you like to have seen more of on the Andy Griffith show?
What's the difference between my broken watch and a lesbian? My watch hasn't got a strap on.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out. At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My boyfriend says I'm kind of selfish, but that's not true. I often think of other people. When I'm having sex with him.
"What does the fox say?" Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED! "dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture"
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home] GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE? E: Honey, we've talked about this. GF: [sadly] Ok.... wire you insulate?
What's the difference between a cock and a sausage roll? "I don't know" Wanna go for a picnic?
Religion is all about who you DON'T recognize..... Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
My naughty parts are starting to tingle! I usually only feel like this in my genitals.
I bought a nice 12 year old Scotch. Obviously his parents weren't pleased!
Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.
"Boob" The word "Boob" is the Perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the 2 Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. perfectly engineered!
The Physics Department didn't like my Stephen Hawking jokes... ...They all got bent out of shape.
What do you call an alcoholic with Parkinson's? Shakespeare (say it out loud)
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job.
It's a good thing Harambe got shot.... Dicks out for dead kids just doesn't sound good
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
What did the Mancunian abortion doctor say to the fetus? "Don't look back in hanger"
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard My second thought is virgin wizard
[Black Joke] what's the difference between a Black guy and a pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four
What do you get when you boil tree trunks with sugar? Log jam.
Where do one-legged people eat? Ihop
How You Can Draw a Muhammad Every Day Wipe!
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their  feed trough? They were saving the best for last.
Is it too early to make jokes about 9/11? Yes, you should wait 5 more days!
FDR hates cripple humor He can't stand it
What's the plural form of the word "anecdote"? Data
I found The Theory Of Everything It was in the blu-ray box at Walmart.
Knock knock Who's there ? Siobhan Siobhan who? Siobhan your knickers, your dad's home.
How many Mexicans does it take to replace a light bulb? Juan
Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read
According to the vet, our dog is addicted to masturbation. I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.
You're not truly a parent until you've crawled through the McDonalds urine tubes to pull out a crying child.
I get to my doctor appointments 45 minutes late so I can get there on time.
Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he's really into phone calls.
I figured out why there are so many masturbation-related injuries that's when all the guardian angels cover their eyes
A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last  night and stole a thousand pints of blood. Police are still hunting for the clots.
There's a part of me that still loves you. I hit that part with a hammer. Stupid part.
Why does Batman think so highly about himself? Bruce Wayne.
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? Otherwise it would have been called a teethbrush.
What does a Math Professor do when he's constipated? He works it out with a pencil.
can't even imagine how many delicious recipes get exchanged during the football huddle
What do you name a deaf dog? It doesn't matter, he ain't coming anyways.
Two radio antennas got married.. The wedding was okay,but the reception was great.
Shopping for houses, it seems like a lot of the houses in my price range need some TLC... But I don't want no scrubs.
How do you make a sheep jump off a cliff? Put a redneck behind it.
Why do people want attention of 1000 pies? because it's their sen-pais~
A chinese kid called his mom a horse She said don't use that tone with me
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman's body.
What are caterpillars afraid of? **Dog**erpillars!
What happens when you mix Jared from Subway and Bill Cosby? I don't know; It was too long ago, and I can't remember.
Why did the cosmonaut forget to pack extra underwear? Because he was Russian.
Ever since I ate that Dominos artisan style pizza I can't stop painting my bathroom.
Terrorist jokes are a good way to make karma They always blow up.
What goes zzub zzub ? A bee flying backwards !
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school. So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.
What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!
A woman walks into a bar... she walks up to the bartender and asks for a double entendre, So he gives it to her.
I ejaculated into my girlfriend's eye today... But to be fair, she should've seen it coming.
In college a dirty $20 bill tried to have sex with me. I didn't have a condom so I declined because you never want to get Financial AIDS.
I'm trying to invent a belt made of clocks But my friends keep telling me it's a waist of time
All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.
So the presidential debate is tonight. Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.
How do you disappoint a Redditor? Repost the same exact joke over and over and/or upvote it to the front page.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
How are Michael Jackson and McDonalds similar? They both put 40 year old meat in between 8 year old buns.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars'. I said: "May divorce be with you."
I just got my first cold sore... My mom says: "Welcome to the world of herpes!"
How to become a Saint 1: Become Catholic 2: Live an exemplary and pious life 3: Perform at least two miracles Or...Just Be Kanye's baby
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother.
What is the average Math teacher like? Mean.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.
A midget stepped on a fork... It nearly knocked him unconscious.
You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
Sometimes, I wake up grumpy... But usually I let him sleep.
TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops, wrong sub
Judaism was very popular leading up to WWII It died down a little afterwards edit: it
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time."
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.
Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism? After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, "you didn't have to cut me off!"
I have a knock-knock joke for you... but you have to start it.
If a hipster falls on the forest, does it make a sound? Yes...but you've probably never heard it before.
Bet you can't see your dick My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower." "No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
Katie Price and Kerry Katona have both got books coming out this month...which could plunge the U.K. into a huge crayon shortage.
How many non-sequiturs does it take to change a light bulb? Yes
Babies are terrible at running their own small businesses.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws while the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call God in StarWars? A Skywalker
Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a "clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching  band what's his other favorite instrument to play? A trombone.
Everything is "Our Lady" this & "Mother Mary" that. You'd think church people would enjoy Your Mom jokes a lot more.
The pessimist in me says 'the glass is half empty'... The optimist in me says 'at least it's whiskey'.
On the subject of typos... I and O can be real mitherfuckers.
What did the singers say right before they had sex? Let's duet! I am so proud for coming up with this one
How easy is it to stroll along on pies? Well, it's no cakewalk.
Kayne West Knocked Up Kim Kardashian No punchline needed.
Did you hear Kim Jong Un banned sarcasm? Woops, thought this was r/News
I consider myself very decisive.. I guess.
whats black on top and white on the bottom? rape
Took my wife to the doctor today, to try and get her tourettes sorted Turns out that she doesn't have it, and I am actually a cunt and she wants me to fuck off
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for two weeks afterward
Did you hear about the doctor who killed anyone over 15 stone? He was a mass murderer.
When people say "May I ask who's calling?" I like to say "Sure, go ahead."
[bedroom] Her: omg don't stop Me: what was that? Her: *sighs* Simon says don't stop
What's the one thing Spider-Man can't eat? Uncle Ben's rice
I just had the thought "pfft. Your father can't die before you are born," and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you're coming
A drug dealer sold me shoes today I don't know what he laced them with because I've been tripping all day.
Pay attention to your kids... Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.
Did you hear the news? The guy who invented predicted text died. His funerals on funfair
How many pancakes can you fit into a dog house? None because ice cream doesn't have bones.
War is never the answer. Unless the question is "What's never the answer?"
You'd be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Who does the butcher look forward to seeing after a tough day at work? His loving knife.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all. Then I thought of you.
My wife thinks I'm too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!
"How do fast food restaurants make so much money?" [OC] "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!
What's the fastest form of bread? Scone.
Why is Reddit different from Facebook? [removed]
Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly underwear But the chief inspector said they must wear their normal uniforms.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate Everyone got a piece
"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas  tie?" "He said it was too tight."
I contacted Screwfix the other day. Once again they have assured me they're not a dating agency.
I finally learned to masturbate without hands! Now I use only one.
What Kind of Pee Comes Out Your Butt? Poo Pee.
How does everyone have so much to say? All I want to do is eat and stare at stuff.
Some of my Satan worshiping friends invited me to an open discussion on Satanism... I'm not a Satanist myself, but I do like to play Devil's advocate...it was very confusing.
some guy said that I slur a lot when I'm drunk I said no I don't you stupid nigger
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa Her: I'm so sorry, are you upset? M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let's call it even
What did the man who frequents the internet do with a book? He Reddit.
What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away
Why did the rope go to jail? Because he was knotty
How do you know if you have a tough mosquito ? You slap him and he slaps you back !
An atheist, a cross-fitter and a vegan walk into a bar... We only know because they told everyone within a minute.
I used to date a moonshiner's daughter... She always made me lick her
Your mama is so poor She voted for Bernie Sanders! Bern!
Best Joke on Reddit Today: &lt;&lt;Copy paste here from another website&gt;&gt;
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE. 1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he's swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Did you hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he.
Once you go lesbian, sometimes you go back.
A conversation between God and and Angel GOD: They scared enough? ANGEL: Not yet GOD: You got Trump running? ANGEL: Yup GOD: Hurricane? ANGEL: Yup GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush? The Naked Ape!
I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I'm thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.
Opening a new Pho restaurant that never closes Going to call it Twenty Pho Seven.
What did the pirate Louis Riel say to the villagers? Yarrrrrrr Metis!
Begin this thing doesn't or end Yoda's (lost) last words.
Have you heard the one about the magic tractor? It drove down the lane and turned into a field.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza... I guess i should've put it on aloha temperature.
A man walks into a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back... The host asks the man why this is so. "Oh, I'm a tortoise and this is Michelle" says the man.
I don't like when they use "late" to describe a deceased person. It's like give a guy a break on his attendance, he's dead.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still...."
"Hey Steve Jobs, I'm really happy for you, And I'ma let you finish, but Moses had the greatest tablet of all time!" -Kanye
Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!
How much rest does a bad Sheppard get? Not a ton, he has a lot of sheepless nights.
My hemorroids are acting up again. I'm butt hurt about it.
Big Smoke walks into a bar He ordered two number nines, a number nine large, a number six with extra dip, a number seven, two number forty-fives, one with cheese, and a large beer.
I hate jokes about strings. Come on guys they're knot funny.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk "And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can't be friends he lives outside"
Your Mother and I are like peanut butter and jelly She spreads and I jam
In a hundred year's times, the equivalent of "Mozart turning in his grave" will be Adele rolling in the deep
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant ? Very big worm holes in your garden !
I've got some good news and some bad news... You've won a free trip to Cairo!
What did the bra say to the hat? you go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
What do Spanish Canadians put on their tacos? Pork, eh?
The problem with Chris Brown jokes is . . . He always beats you to the punch.
Why couldn't the giraffe get a job at the bank? They weren't hiring.
What's red and white? Pink.
What do you call a calm Asian? A Mellow Yellow
Dear Lord, if my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they won't bother hating on mine.
So I was walking down the street when..... Someone threw a block of cheese at me, so I turned and said, that's not very mature!
Bad luck today, I have a bout of food poisioning AND I dropped my Galaxy Note 7 in the toilet by mistake :( Talk about explosive diarrhea.
It's ironic how the Segway-driving chinese cameraman plowed into the fastest man alive... ...because he ran into a bolt.
There's a new drinking game... You draw a random card from a deck &amp; if it's black you take a shot.... We call it "Ferguson"
Judging by the covers, every issue of every comic book is the one where the main character dies.
YOLO doesn't work for cats.
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
If Donald Trump wins I'm going back to Africa For some political stability..
Bad Day Q- How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day? A- She has a tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes. Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
Don't trust Bernie Sanders... A Jew wanting to break up the banks doesn't make sense *not meant in any way that would be seen as prejudice *obligatory post trigger warning
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Towels are a scam... think about it - a towel is only a towel, but anything that's like pants or a sheet or whatever is also a towel
A guy goes to the Olympics and sees a man carrying a long pole. The guy asks - Are you a pole vaulter? The man replies - No I'm German - how did you know my name is Walter?
Did you know most baking companies are family owned &amp; operated... they're all in bread!
Breaking News: A Pillow Did you hear about the corduroy pillow on the news? ... It made headlines...
Bill and Ted happen upon 20 fine young ladies... SCORE!
Neuroscientists have discovered a commonly-consumed food which nearly eliminates the female sex drive. Wedding cake.
Me: Can I please sleep? Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again. Me: But I hate that song! Brain: I don't give a shit! Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5...
What is the difference between a Black Guy and an elevator ? One can raise a child
Just because a lot of guys want you doesn't mean you're wifey material. Just know, cheap items have many buyers. @MaleHonesty86
I think weed is messing with my memory. I can't remember shit anymore! I think it's because weed is messing with my memory.
Why the U.S suck at chess? 'Cuz they lost two towers
What do you call an origional joke on Reddit? Mine
Whenever I'm feeling really tired, I just watch the new Star Wars trailer... Because The Force Awakens me
Cinderella taught girls that it's ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he's a prince.
Two nuns in an alleyway Two nuns were walking down an alleyway when a flasher jumps out. The first nun had a stroke but the second couldn't reach.
What do you call a crayon without any wax? A crayoff
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone... he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris
Did you hear about Scrooge's drinking problem? He had a dickens of a time with spirits.
Why is it when a house is haunted it's always a ghost from the 1700's? Imagine it being a ghost from 2007 screaming "It's Britney Bitch" at 3am
It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you'll become royalty and have a great life.
I know why I study with the blinds closed. The reason awful, ghastly... I shutter to think
Mars and NASA Mars: Come over NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away Mars: I'm wet NASA: I'm coming over
What do you call a group of dead geologists? Mineral Spirits
What is the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps can actually finish a race...
Tickle me Elmo was recalled They forgot to give him two test tickles.
What did the vet say to the dog he just castrated? No hard feelings.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.
The Ford Escort was named after Henry Ford's love for high-priced hookers. Ironically, you'll have to pay for sex if you drive one.
On Viagra Guidlines If I was ever able to keep an erection for more than four hours, I would be calling the girl with a visible thong who handed me a pencil in calc, not my doctor
What do you call a snobish criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
Whenever I accidentally watch the Bravo channel, the last thing that comes to mind is the word, "Bravo!"
Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain. Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too. And maybe the me: dude, that's my mom's cassero- C: Spain.
Why do you always follow your instinct when doing trigonometry? Beacuse you might have secant thoughts and go off on a tangent
Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team? So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off
I went on a geology diet recently I lost a stone
Feminist are like sleeper agents Both have trigger words.
You know who'd make a good hobbit? Elijah would.
Two Pokemon players run right into each other, what does the one say to the other? This is Onixceptable.
And the award for worst sentence I've ever read, "Kid Rock apologized for smoking a cigar at a non-smoking Travis Tritt concert in Detroit."
What would you get if you crossed a monster  with a Thanksgiving dessert? Bumpkin pie!
Someone -- always a man -- always  asks "does the ship run on generators?" The Cruise Director usually tells them "No we just have a very long power line running to the mainland."
How does a Trigonometry teacher appreciate his girlfriend? "Oh baby, you are so (1/cos C)" !!!
I haven't drawn in so long that I'm feeling sketchy
I scream "You haven't seen the last of me!" & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away. The pharmacist smiles kindly.
What would we get if we'd cross one nigger and octopus? I have no idea, but it picks cotton like crazy.
Where did the coffee bean find his soul mate? Grinder (Thanks, Ellen)
A karmawhoring terrorist browses reddit... EDIT: This post blew up!
An 11-year-old student of mine just told me this. What do you call a singing computer? Adele.
Did you hear about the Pigeon rebellion? Yeah, it was a "coo" d'etat.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his ass.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!
Why don't Canadians do well on Wheel of Fortune? Because the host gets confused when they say "I'd to buy a vowel eh."
Spoof Caller ID Call from a different number. Disguise your caller id, it's easy and works on any phone!
Your mother is deaf I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot.
anyone wanna hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, its too CHEESY.
Yo Momma so Fat When she met Stevie Wonder backstage. He was like "Who brought a goddamned bouncy castle in here!"
I was playing Monopoly with a couple of friends and picked the hat piece, winked, and said... M'nopoly.
A blonde went to buy 2 bananas The seller told her that he didn't have change and asked if she wanted one more, the blonde responded "Okay, i will eat one".
How many indie kids does it take to change a lightbulb? none because There is A Light That Never Goes Out.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Buggy ! Buggy who ? Buggy Jean is not my lover !
Why do vampires hate arguments? Because they make themselves cross.
I'm a vegetarian. Subway gave me a Chicken Club. Oops, wrong sub.
Give a man an axe and he'll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he'll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
What has no life but a lot of spirit. (A ghost) You've been a terrific audiance!
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because seven is a registered six offender.
Why didn't the vampire feed off of Taylor Swift? She had Bad Blood.
I don't trust left handed people They're never right
"Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein."  The first guy who ever milked a cow.
A friend tried to trip me up in an Indian restaurant, failed, and fell face first in to someone's mild chicken dish. I call it instant korma. I don't care if you like it, I can tikka or leave it.
The mighty god rode his valiand steed atop the highest mountain.. ... raised his hammer high, and declared ''I am Thor!''. To which his horse replied: ''Because you forgot your thaddle, thilly.''
What do you call a gay guy who blends in really well with his straight friends? homogeneous
[Whole Foods] ME: Hi CLERK: Hello ME: Do you...uh CLERK: Do we what? ME: Do you have any...uh CLERK: Go on ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It's called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.
I've run over seven Koalas and one platypus with my car today and I haven't even left the city yet. Australia's dangerous like that.
I grew up in Africa. During the summers, we just had balloon fights.
What if you found out that wheat bread is just a bunch of ants squished together that would be pretty spooky
Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.
Working for Kotex would actually be a logical way to pad your resume.
What did the walking staff say when accused of misleading sheep? "I am not a crook!"
How does John Lennon get his kids to eat their vegetables? He tells them to "Give Peas a Chance"
What do french fries and friends have in common? They both die if you chop them
I only like brown rice not white rice. I think that makes me a ricist.
What does it say on the door of the Microsoft store? No shirt, no shoes, no Surface.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?
Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone "what are you supposed to be?" without triggering an existential crisis.
I just checked to see if I had any post, and on the floor in front of the letterbox is an envelope that says "Do not bend"... How am I supposed to pick it up?
Black and White Black is a Color, White is a Color. They why Black and White TV is not a Color TV???
What do anal sex and vegetables have in common? You enjoy both more as an adult if they aren't forced on you as a child.
Your tits look better when you don't talk.
[first date] me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress? date [also a goat]: yes
Why are football players never asked for dinner? Because they're always dribbling!
A Roman guy walks into a bar, raises two fingers, and says... "I'll take five beers."
Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
It turns out there IS a natural birth control that's 100% effective. You have to more than just careful with it... Fact is, you have to be totally anal.
My friend got a spider in his eye... Now he has a website.
Why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Just had a cup of coffee so bad it's the plot for a new Nicolas Cage movie.
I don't think anyone would be surprised if Captain Morgan was arrested for Boating Under the Influence.
Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
I try to work the song Uptown Funk into every conversation. Don't believe me? Just watch!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
What do you and Ronda Rousey have in common? You will both be watching the next title fight from home.
What is the difference between a pimple and a Catholic Priest? A pimple doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13. This joke is all in good fun, sorry if anyone happens to be offended!
I'm not a liar. I have an English degree; I'm an unreliable narrator.
What did the man say when the lobster gave him food poisoning? I'm not letting you cook dinner again
*intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"
My Future I have a lot more trust and faith in my guidance counselor's advice after getting an empty fortune cookie at a chinese restaurant.
If you woke up in the woods with your pants at your ankles, a condom in your ass, and no recollection of the last 24 hours, would you tell anyone? Wanna go camping?
Shout out to... Everyone who doesn't know the opposite of in.
If you open your iPhone camera when it's reversed, and your own face scares and shames you, it's considered cardio.
When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel. Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.
A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with. I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Intellectual Jokes as in: Yo mama so wide she didn't fit through the Thermopylae Pass or she so fat she didn't fit through the last circle in Dante's Inferno. Let's get this thread ballin'.
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to get in her trunk or she'll have to do this the hard way.
The train stops at a train station; the bus stops at a bus station; My desk is a workstation.
Two guys are walking down the street........ .....and come upon a dog, licking his balls. The first guy says to the second guy, "I wish I could do that!". The second guy says, "That dog'll bite you!".
Q: What happens when a blonde gets  Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up!
Doc: I'm afraid you got 6 months to live Me: Why are YOU afraid? Doc: I'm not Me: You said you were Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
"Don't you play stupid with me!" shouted my wife. "Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?" I replied.
Girls are a lot like sleeping bags. I really like being inside them, and they cost about $200.
I was trying to decide on a good Chris Christie joke to tell at the party tonight... ...then I decided I would cross that bridge when I come to it.
Is it too soon for Michael Brown jokes? Thought I would give it a shot.
Starting a conversation Do you know how heavy a polar bear is? Enough to break the ice. *winks*
They told me to spread love wherever I go. Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella. You can never win with some people.
Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE
Were a blind person to go sky diving, how would they do it? Wait until the leash goes slack, then pull the rip cord.
Everbody but Messi got a blowjob after the game cuz his dick was messi
What time is it when a Muslim immigrant brings a clock to school in Texas? Time to get a new principal.
How did the Jew get a free cab ride? He blew the shofar.
Before snapping your neck, Chuck Norris will tell you the best shampoo you should have used.
A car full of catholic school children got in a terrible accident Nun survived.
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink? When your writing becomes visible.
How do you keep your dog young for longer? [Terrible OC] Keep them stored in some quality... pupperware!
TIFU by posting a joke online... You had already reddit.
What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common? Neither of them can finish a play
Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello from the Other Side
On one hand, this sub has gotten a little stale. On the other hand... ... you have different fingers.
Why did the little piglet fall in love with the hog? Because he was such a sloppy dresser.
What's the difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong Un? Kim Jong Un has control over his country.
A priest comes into a bar. Wait, no it was a choirboy. So priest comes into a choirboy.
My MOM Says Life is A Race Life iS A Tragedt When SeeN In CloSE-UP, LONG-SHOT. To Truly Laugh, You Must be Able to Take Your PAIN, And PLAY With iT!
Why are locksmiths in Japan cooler than the rest of the world's locksmiths? Because in Japan they're rocksmiths. 
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage "No, I'm travelling light"      \[]/
The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants.. ... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
When someone says something is great, I take that as a personal challenge to not enjoy it.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having a brain, gives me hope for our next generation.
My brother just found out he can't have children. It's a condition of his early release.
Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram
Old joke I can dodge a Ford, but can't afford a Dodge...
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would've survived in that situation. I almost died during finding nemo
What do feminists search for on scavenger hunts? Reasons to be offended.
We've all been there. In your mom, that is.
What do you call a Spartan king with a disease? Leonitis
How many tickles does it take to make a japanese girl laugh? Ten Tickles
What did the art major say to the law major? "Would you like fries with that?"
What does a boy get every month, but a girl doesn't. A paycheck
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
My doctor told me I was fat. I said I'd like a second opinion and he said "you're ugly too" :-/
yo mama so stupid [anti-joke] that she failed her IQ test
"Say ur a bad girl" I'm a bad girl "oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do..." ooh i'm gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
Do you want to know where the best place to buy drugs is? High Street of course!
I bought a high end stereo with a broken volume knob for $10. I couldn't turn it down.
What's a cats favorite color? Puuuuurple.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup!
My towel is now in two pieces, rip. Rip, your parents' condom XD
Never trust an atom they make up everything
Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me It's not my fault they don't have Windows
If life has taught me anything, it's that browser history repeats itself.
do you know why its called pms? 'Cause mad cow was taken
What does someone have when he can tell you how many guys are in a crowd? Acumen.
girl: tough guys are hot Me: *hawk lands on my bare arm* I have a gauntlet I just never use it *hawk gnawing on my shoulder* I love this
Q: Have you read the book about very cold temperatures? A: Not only does it have two covers, it has a jacket.
Police have been playing Pokemon Go for many years. "Gotta catch Jamal"
atom bomb Two rednecks read the paper: the government spent 10 billion $ on a new&amp;improved atom bomb. One of them says: "please god, let it drop in my back yard"
How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.
What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer? One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Did you hear about the guys who stole Ar off the periodic table? They Argon and got away.
"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to pee" - Urethra Franklin
my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane? A. osmoses
Heisenberg's wife was unhappy... because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum. Credit to Greg and/or Terry from American Dad.
Superpowers If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Cold war Russia.
So I was drinking this vampire's blood the other day It was irony.
Moms are like feet [NSFW] The more you talk about them in public, the more everyone assumes you want to have sex with them.
News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures. 451 degrees Fahrenheit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... I've said it before.
I had this really funny joke about the sun i was going to tell you all, but some bastard has made a funnier joke about the moon and totally eclipsed it.
What do you get when you cross a duck and a cat? A Chinese restaurant's newest entree!
I hate it when strangers question me. I'm with my kid, & this lady goes, 'He's cute. Who does he look like?' I'm like, 'Your husband'
We have to seriously stop with the Holocaust jokes..... "Ann Frankly", they're quite offensive
Next on "McCribs"! Hamburglar shows us his pimped-out hideout, and Grimmus takes us on a tour of his plush pleasure dome.
She: Why don't we ever have sex anymore? Me: What's this "we" shit? I'm having plenty.
What did the snake say to the cornered rat ?  Hiss is the end of the line for you !
Clinton is MY president! His second term is about to end but I truly loved his presidency -Sent from internet explorer
Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East. It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.
*Gets divorced* *Deletes 'actress' from LinkedIn profile*
I went to a concert and the DJ asked us to put our hands in the air Unfortunately, I had forgotten my bag of Lays at home
What do you call a man who is attracted to black guys? A homiesexual!
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said "not now" so wish us luck we're officially married.
What did the town say to it's father, the city, when it left to get groceries Ciudad
Why did lieutenant Uhura smell bad? ...because William Shatner
What's the summer weather like for a London criminal? Hot, wet, and muggy.
Why was a physicist unable to do the double slit experiment? His wife didn't want a threesome.
SURVIVAL TIP If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you're stoned
What do you call a well-rounded porn star? A jack-off all trades.
[Enter Password] drapes [Re-enter Password] carpet [Error: Passwords must match]
What's a star trek fans favourite drink? Picardi and Kirk
I'm the most indecisive person I know... At least, I think I am..
Jared likes his women like he likes his sandwiches 6 and 12
Did you hear that the guy who invented predictive text has died. His funfair is next sundial.
[job interview] "I'll never hire you" ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I'm swordf- NO IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
What are 3 things a black man can't get? A fat lip, a black eye, and a job.
what did the cloud say to the atmosphere? what the hail was that?!
*Meninist meeting* WOMEN ARE EVIL- *phone rings* Uhh just a second... *picks up phone* Mom not while I'm doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.
A marijuana plantation was set on fire witnesses claim a dragon is responsible.
Yo mama so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her 10 years to live.
Maybe we laugh when others get hurt because it helps us cope with mortality but probably we're just dicks.
What do you call Jamal's dad during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years? Hide n' Seek World Champion 2010-2016
Packing Do gays really have a lot of s**t to pack before moving?
Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone's status turns to "It's complicated" by posting "thanks for last night" underneath it.
Want to hear a joke about the ozone layer? [depleted]
How often do you hear element jokes on Reddit? Periodically!
Oceanography is all about current events
What kind of bone do you find in a dinosaur steak? A T-Bone!!!!
What do you call an environmentally-conscious Mexican? A Green Bean
For once my family is going to have a Happy Thanksgiving. This year I'm stuffing the turkey with Prozac.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
What is the cheapest way to blindfold an Asian? Dental floss.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken? BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Parents My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist. For most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
What do a pregnant teenager, frozen beer, and a burned pizza have in common? Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time.
I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury.
As I rowed my little boat Toward the river shore, A small black bird kept me from landing, Quoth the raven, "never moor."
Did you blow bubbles when you were a kid? Of course you did. I saw him the other day at the mall making balloon animals. He says hi.
What does Monica and Hillary have in common? They don't fuck Bill anymore.
Procrastination is just like Masturbation It's fun while you're doing it until you realize all you did was fuck yourself.
If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.
I slept like a baby last night I cried for hours and shit my pants.
I pulled up next to a Tesla at a stoplight and asked him to rev the engine... I was shocked when he actually did it.
What was Schrodinger's favorite childhood book? The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you're rock climbing.
I saw on the news that when snorted, nutmeg becomes a mild hallucinogen. So I'm going to work today 'megged the fuck outta my mind.
What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..." ? An Amish drive-by shooting.
I have a class about water (filtration systems, how to give everyone clean water, etc) and my teacher loves jokes. Anyone have some good water related jokes?
What is a surfer guy's favorite horror movie? Saw duude!
i asked my girlfriend what she would do if i won the lottery She said: i would take half of it and run away Then i replied: ok i won 10 dollars here's 5 now get the fuck out
"Y'ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?" *SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*
At least once a day I say "nice to meet you" to someone I've already met which is a great feeling for all involved.
How many Duggars does it take to screw a planet? &lt;EOM&gt; ;^)
F*CK You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  You  And You 
Do you like apples? How bout I fuck you in the ass, how'd you like them apples!
Deez Nutz He really has it in the bag.
Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.
What do you call an African man with alot of problems? A Zulu Worry-er &gt; I actually made this up just now while chilling with some of my black friends. They loved it.
My Drug Dealer I don't even care that my drug dealer's a woman. She's a real heroine.
I played tennis with a eunuch once... No competition, the balls were in my court.
Reddit told me to talk to a crush just like I'd talk to anyone else, didn't work Apparently "Hi, shithead" wasn't the correct thing to say
What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand? You can't gargle sand.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire] Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend? Host: What's your friend's name? Me: Wikipedia.
Which news outlet has the most interesting Black Lives Matter coverage? BBC
Society: "Just be yourself." Society: "No not like that."
I'm 20 years old and I still haven't had my period yet... I love being a guy
Whats George Zimmerman's favorite song? Blame it on the night
What's black and sits on top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
Guys at work are always like "why are your shorts so short?" Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know
Thought of this while making dinner Want to hear a joke about location? Nevermind. You had to be there
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... ...But then it hit me
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Robbing a bank in Greece is like raiding a food warehouse in Uganda. You look stupid and you get nothing out of it.
What happened after the King of All Cosmos destroyed the stars in a drunken rage? Divine intervention. edit: Oh.
This joke is like gravity. A force.
"It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.
WHAT OTHER ILLNESSES DO I HAVE?! I told my doctor I think I'm a hypochondriac. As usual, the medicine he gave me isn't working.
What do you call a constipated Detective Holmes? No Shit Sherlock.
A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror ....she rubs her tummy and says to her husband "I feel ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment" Husband says "well, your eyesight is spot on"
My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy camo because it's really in But I can never find it at the store.
what looks good hangin from a tree a apple and a black guy
When I was 15 I was raising a Tamogochi, not a baby.
As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights... And that guy's rights... And his pen...
NSA joke I always said President Obama bugged me.
My standards for women are way too high You could almost say they're... Double standards
A woman walks into a bar... and says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please." The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?" She responds, "Just fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
Why isn't Christmas spelled Christmals? Because Noel.
Why do pedophiles love reddit? There are so many immature assholes.
What sound does a black widow make? My husband be dead
Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth  your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?
Have you guys heard about the pedophile terrorist? Just last week he exploded all over a kids face.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it's about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
sure the early bird may get the worm... but the second mouse gets the cheese
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
What do you call.... Q: What do you call a woman who thinks about sex all the times? A: Nymphomaniac Q: What do you call a man who thinks about sex all the times? A: Normal
Text your dad "egg salad sandwich" four times in one day. He'll probably think his phone is broken.
Why are gay guys bad at jenga? They don't worry about pulling out
Did you hear about the time that /u/poem_for_your_sprog and /u/ShittyJokeExplainBot got into trouble? It was a shticky situation. I'll show myself out.
There's a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I got a job making wallets out of elephant foreskins If you rub the wallet it turns into a suitcase.
When is a train being polite at dinner time? When it choo's quietly.
They serve free coffee at my office It's one of the perks.
Why do postmen carry letters? Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves.
Ice cream sandwich listens intently through the wall of the refrigerator as turkey and mayo whisper, "He's not a real sandwich."
You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive 3-pack'. Heck, I'm half  way to sexy town 
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle and pepperspray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran
"What's the biggest fish you ever caught?"  "That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's  not so big!" "Between the eyes?"
News reports say a Muslim hid several Jews in a freezer at the kosher market in Paris last week I guess the oven must have been broken
What do you call an assault which is both positive and negative? A battery.
I once was wrestling a guy and had him in a lock but couldn't make him tap out. Sorry for the bad submission.
I'll tell you what i know about dwarves Very little. Its okay, i can say that. They look up to me.
Hey let me tell you an IT joke: how many meters is there in a kilometer? 1024
I'm sorry CO2, but I'm leaving you you're suffocating me!
Starcraft: Why did the marine vote for the dragoon? He was Protoss
Why did 6 break up with 7? Because 7 ate 9 out
My gay joke probably won't be loved, butt fuck it.
What cars do cows drive? Cattleacs
I like my jokes on r/jokes like my daily routine... Repeated daily
How do you get an elephant into a Safeway grocery bag? You take the "S" out of safe and the "F" out of way. One of my all time faves. If you say it out loud it will make sense :D
I hate broken down white cars on the side of the hwy. They look just like cops when I'm speeding & shitting my pants is getting really old.
The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he's probably lying.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN'T AFFORD SHIRTS
Banned From the Para-Olympics Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn't shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Why did no one notice Thor's brother? Because he was low-key
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
The Last Contango in Paris Commodities Exchange.
Right now, somewhere in China, someone is wokking their dog
I just saw two really large spiders dancing to some 1980s music. I think they were Duran Durantulas.
A horse walked into a bar... ...several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger of the situation.
Who's driving? A mexican and black guy are in a car. Who's driving? Answer: The police officer
I can't get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won't count
Can somebody explain to me the uproar over the CEO editing posts? I mean... what part of Chief Editing Officer don't these people understand?
How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
What do you call an Irish lesbian? GayLick
The New Drum by Major Headache
A reality TV mogul, a woman, and a Jew are running for president... And that's just the front runners!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Trump supporters are irrational, racists, misogynists... And some, I assume, are good people.
What did the Jew with a boner say when he bumped into a wall? Oowwww...my nose.
Why did Eli Manning didn't react to the Broncos winning the Superbowl? Because the fine bros would sue.
Karate classes... Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again! *daughter dish starts sobbing* [outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.
I had to do a problem involving air resistance for my physics homework this week. It was a huge drag.
The biggest lie told on the internet 'I have read and understand the terms and conditions'
Thank you, social media, for sometimes filling the emptiness you've created in our lives.
I couldn't afford a vanity license plate, so I named my dog 956 XDM.
What is the only reason Bill Clinton is excited about possibly going back into the White House? He gets more interns.
I've just started playing the triangle in a reggae band I stand at the back and ting.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am.... Independent
Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve. Black Levi's Matter.
I almost bruised myself yesterday It was a missed ache
What did the astronomer say to the telescope in lingerie? "Hubble, Hubble."
"What? Why am I a part of this?" - the horse you rode in on
Why did Jesus curse the fig tree? [God hates figs.](http://www.wikiwand.com/en/Cursing_the_fig_tree)
A pharmaceutical truck full of Viagra was stolen today. The police said to be on the lookout for hardened criminals
What's the difference between the Cleveland Indians and Shae from Game of Thrones? One blows a 3' 1" lead and the other blows a 3-1 lead
I told my boyfriend that a penis is like a nipple They are shaped sort of like a nipple, they sometimes squirt white stuff, and it's an erogenous zone. He said "yea, and mine feeds babies."
My girl threw this one at me right before bed: "Do you know why I don't like going to the dentist?" Because they always do a full cavity search!
[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint] "Would you like a Wet-Nap?" No thanks, I had one this afternoon.
Which religion breeds terrorism the most? Not Islam
What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?? .. She fits into your wife's clothes
'Kyrgyzstan' is what happens when you've already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.
What do you call a reckless thief who only steals cooking utensils? A whisk taker.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs being pulled behind a boat? Skip
it's very distracting hearing your girlfriend being mauled by a tiger as you try to read "big cat owners monthly".
Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit
Going to the bathroom isn't the problem It's the shit that I have to deal with every day.
Why didn't the vampire eat out his girlfriend? Because it wasn't the right time of the month.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What do you call the vehicle used to carry Henry VIII's second wife to the hospital? An Anne-Boleyn-ce.
Do you know what the worst part of being paralyzed is? I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
What did the Grateful Dead fans say when they stopped smoking pot? "Man this music sucks..."
Congratulations, parents! The names yelled at dog parks are now less weird than the names yelled at playgrounds.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She didn't have any arms.
"What's the difference between you and I?" About 12 letters
the vibrator was invented when Dr Edward Vibrator got extremely chilly whilst shagging Mrs Vibrator and his shivering sent her to cum town
*At funeral* "Your Mom is so fat" I said eulogy, not roast. "oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."
What did the homeless man say to the woman who asked if he wanted 20$? Yeah.
I'm gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
You know what they say about assumptions, right? They say that they are generally wrong.
Can I get some of you to sign my Medium open letter "Hello rude teens, I don't know what memes are but stop doing memes at me!!!"?
What is the worst place to hide in a hospital? The ICU (I-see-you!)
What did the executioner say to the prisoner? "Hang on a minute."
What do you get if cross a mouse woth a packet of washing up powder ? Bubble and squeak !
The Mother Of All storms (Frankenstorm) is heading toward New York City... Trump better get out the hairspray.
Meanwhile in business news... ...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate
Lil Wayne is like if a doctor's handwriting came to life.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down.
and on the 7th day while God was resting Satan created the Kardashian family.
With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL! Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Fuck you KFC with your "we don't serve hot dogs" and your "we don't accept $30 bills".
Everyone was dreaming of working for Steve Jobs except his pancreas
Email and social media only go so far. Today, pick up the phone and call a brand you love.
What did the dog say before he died? Well I'll be dog-gone.
So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".
Why do gay people like math? Because of *bi*nomials!
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment... When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
Why was the little Martian sad? Curiosity killed his cat.
I'm so tilted My slope is undefined
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
*flips a quarter into jukebox from across room, jukebox spits it back at me, it goes down my throat, "wake me up before you go-go" plays*
What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur? A Lickalotofpuss
Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... "Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...
I like my coffee like I like slaves.... Free.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who's late for something.
What's white on top and black on bottom? Society What's black on top and white on bottom? Rape
PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me. DR DOG: What's your job? PATIENT: Mailman DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*
What did Trump say to the Human Cannonball? You'rrre fired!
I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.
What's Mexico's national sport? Cross-country
Drinking a beer is great, but opening another one is awesome.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading AdBlock onto my computer ..... all the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.
What is the similarity between poop and aliens? They both live on Uranus
A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar. The bartender yells, "Get out! I'm not serving Narnia!".
What do you say to someone who doesn't like Rick &amp; Morty? I'm going to need you to take your opinions and put'em wayyy up inside your butthole.
Everyone complains about immigration until they're searching the city for a decent taco.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Mario's brother died... But he was still able to contact him through a Luigi board.
Is it true the pigs went over Niagara Falls in a barrel? No that story's just a lot of hogwash.
Why is slave trade illegal Because it's a black market.
Black and Blue? So I asked the question," Black and Blue or Gold and White" ? "It doesn't matter Sir" replied the Police Officer "Your wife still has extensive bruising"
What was the poltergeist arrested for at the campground? Possession within tent
What do chickens say? Cock-a-doodle-doo What does a chicken in the bathroom say? Doodle-doodle-cock What does a gay chicken say? Any-cock'll-do
I got my retainer today So pleathe excuthe me if i talk funny for a few dayth
"Click to read this man's secret to incredible 6 pack abs!" *click* article: hard work, diet, & exercise me: I have never felt more betrayed
What did the Polack and the Native American name their first kid? Running Stupid
I'm not saying I've had a lot to drink, but my foot just fell asleep so I drew dicks on it.
What's the difference between a crackhead and a John? A crackhead buys crack so he can put it into his pipe and burn it. A John pays so that he can put his pipe into a crack that might burn him.
Gave my German friend a hit of my joint... He said, Danke.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It's just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
This morning there was large spider in my bath. I should really stop stealing equipment from the snooker club.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight. Me: Then what? Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it. Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I'm always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
What are Mario's overalls made of Denim, Denim, Denim
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny 2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb? Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
I was born half female... You see, my mum was one.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I'm back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in my freezer.
My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was. I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."
What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield? Its ass
A Priest and a Rabbi walk by a park... The Priest turns to the Rabbi and days, "Hey, wanna screw 'em?" The Rabbi looks confused for a moment, and replies with, "Out of what?"
Jack the lad at work came out with this one today... What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke..
My friend drowned last week, so I had a wreath made in the shape of a life jacket in his memory. I'm sure it's what he would have wanted. -Milton Jones
Why was the cake afraid of mobsters? He knew they were going to ice him.
This is circular logic because this is circular logic.
I've been exaggerating... ...since 1744.
My new favorite joke [Language] How do you get a little old lady to yell, "Go fuck yourself!"? Get another little old lady to yell,"BINGO!"
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye-deer (no idear) ... What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Major milestone today -- found my first grey pubic hair! But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Reddit is like a shiny new penny Its nice to look at but completely worthless
"How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?" - Not in a kids movie, dude. "Ok, but it's puppy skin?" - Oh, then YES!
Mom, Am I adopted? Son: Mom, Am I adopted?  Mom: Nuh, you think we would have chosen you?
Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all of the coffin.
10 ways to avoid clickbait! Well, that wasn't one of them..
I love kids...But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!? I don't let people touch my new iPhone
My girlfriend is like my iPhone 6 I don't have an iPhone 6
Did you here about the dead whale that washed up onshore? Apparently it had HIV..........................................Biologists think it may have been rear-ended by a ferry.
Me: God, I just feel so Brain: HUNGRY M: No, I'm very alone. I desperately want B: FOOD M: Part of me is missing. All I need is B: PRINGLES
How do you keep someone curious? I'll tell you on my next post
Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew? A boy scout comes home from camp
Why did the Nevada skunk cross the state border? To follow the smell of legal dank skunk buds.
My genes put the XY in sexy
What kind of bees get you high? Doo-bees... I'm so sorry for that
Why don't anti-vaxxers hang out in bars? They're afraid of the shots.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
"I haven't accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others" -Critics
What's worse than lobsters on your piano? Syphilis
What happened to the two gladiator olives? They were pitted against each other
Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.
What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? Shear madness.
Why does the Vanu Sovereignty hate plastic bags? They keep Terran.
What was written on the UNIX user's doormat? "There's no place like cd ~"
Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out an important part of human anatomy that is more useful when it is erect. Er... SPINE?
If you ever have to go through job applications, throw half of them away randomly You don't want to hire anyone unlucky
A mathematician walks into a pizza bar and orders one pi He receives two
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Why are fire trucks red? You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.
How does every racist joke start? with a look over your shoulder
Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it's any consolation, I don't know what he ever saw in you.
I have a bumper sticker that says... "Honk if you think I'm sexy." Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.
unstable person: "when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth" stable person: "i look after the horses"
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A: A buck an ear.
Why do indigenous people hate snow? It's white and on their land.
Three stages of life. * Birth * What the hell is going on?!? * Death
I taught myself to stop using filler words like "um" [weather channel in the background] "Chance of rain today is 40%" Better grab my brella
Why doesn't the melon get married? Because it cantaloupe.
If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving, If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving. This has nothing to do with politics. I just really want to travel.
"Well, there's no point in starting that now." - Friday, 3pm
What did one firefly say to the other ? Got to glow now !
One plus of being a fast walker is that when I'm forced to walk slowly with another person, I can pretend I'm on the moon
The real reason Jesus died The criminal before him suffered from a deadly skin condition. Jesus died from cross-contamination
What did the prostitute say to her customer after he finished paying? "It was a business doing pleasure with you."
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Because he wanted to... "Get along little doggy"
I wanted to know the meaning of earthenware, so I opened the dictionary at the EA section. Unfortunately, I needed to pay micro-transactions to access it.
I called the rape hotline today Apparently it's only for victims
Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs? Because he doesn't want anybody to know that he's been fucking chickens!
I bet our Founding Fathers never envisioned a Justin Bieber video getting heavy airplay on BET.
Robin Williams tried to give me a high-five the other day but I just left him hanging
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."
One of my co-workers didn't come in today because apparently he's constipated. What a shit excuse.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable? His wheelchair
I can only fall asleep if someone kneels at my bedside with their mouth open & full of Pop Rocks
Microwaves should have a "Pfft" button.
Why did Hitler lose WWII? He did NAZI it coming
If you need a loan who do you see in the bank? The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).
People who are mad that we don't have hoverboards yet are VERY forgiving of the fact that we still have, like, racism.
What's better than getting second place at the special Olympics? Not being retarded
Their are only two things I hate about this world Those who can't respect other people's cultures and the Danish
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor] Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself. Wife: Me: Will you ki Wife: I'm not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
where do they manufacture smiles? in a satisfactory
What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
What's the difference between Barbie and Street Fighter? In Barbie, Ken doesn't beat the hell out of women.
I don't have any good science related jokes to tell Because most of the good jokes argon
My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"
How to get free skydiving lessons. Step 1: Be gay in a Muslim country.
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In Iraq
If someone asks what you're doing today, grab a knife & yell "SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO!" Sounds way cooler than "Napping!"
I got in touch with my inner self today. I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.
In calculus class we just finished revolutions of solids It made my head spin.
Good cop: You have the right to remain silent Girlfriend cop: What's wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you're lik
What was the baseball score when ethiopia played africa.....ate nothing
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
After my most recent divorce, I'm now paying alimony to BOTH of my ex-wives... Owe for two.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I want this election to be over so badly you'd think it was a friend's play.
Prostitutes What do you call three prostitutes? Hoe Hoe Hoe
I just watched a documentary about hydroelectricity Best dam program I've seen in a long time.
When Lil John goes to a hotel and they ask him if he wants turn down service, does he refuse? That's all.
When life hands you melons... you're dyslexic.
Fun Game: 1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park. 2. Poke stranger on the shoulder. 3. Whisper, "I think we're being watched..."
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES! - Okra
Why was the killer's watch arrested? Because it was proven to be accessory to murder.
What would Anakin Skywalker's sith name be, if Luke was black? Dearth Vader
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball
My parents taught me that if I tried hard I could be anything I wanted to be. Sure they just meant for Halloween, but it was still nice.
Me and my horse walked into a bar... The bartender said, "Why the wrong case?"
Policeman: Why did you lead me on a  high-speed chase? Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow one.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work... Me: Why, is something wrong?! Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne...
The Benefits of Being Masochistic What doesn't kill you makes you longer
I'm so fucking sick of you guys making Asian-lady stereotypes. Now shut up so I can get back to my nail salon.
My girlfriend was really excited about squishing a spider.. I told her she was turning into a cold blooded killer..
The person who owns Hovis is from my local area. Born and bred.
The garbage man is late. I think he's been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer ASH
"Bear with me for a minute." - Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Why did the German cross the road? To get to the Reich side
What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt? Her belly button.
Was forced to have a threesome with a clown and a grizzly. Just had to grin and bear it.
Why did President Obama get two terms? Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
No, I haven't lost weight but "spanx" for asking.
How do you kill a circus? Go straight for the juggler
Pirates didn't want the fountain of youth, they wanted a cure to scurvy A vitamin sea
Why did they bury Rock Hudson ass up? So his friends could stop by and crack open a cold one.
This Election Day will be like a dinner date with Bill Cosby. When you wake up, you just know something bad happened.
Crocs are the most effective birth control.
Why are Australians so well balanced? They have a chip on both shoulders.
Why was George Washington buried on Mount Vernon? Because he was dead!
Why was the cotton candy singing? Grandma, hush, that's Nicki Minaj
Snooker If pink is covered by red, go for the brown.
What disease is most easily contracted by touching your hands together? The clap.
Why is Barbie not pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box.
Computers make very fast very accurate  mistakes.
What do Pink Floyd and princess Diana have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.
You know what would really suck? Finding a needle in a haystack.
What is the strongest animal? A racehorse because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once!
What did Paul McCartney say to John Lennon while going through a swinger phase Got to get you into my wife
To try change my friends mind about puns I told him one a day for 10 days to try and get him to laugh But no pun in ten did.
A cop pulled over a spanish photon... The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" The photon said, "c."
Did you hear about the castrated hipster? He had a very eunuch style.
Fast and the Furious just announced a new movie called Faster And Furiouser 3.1: You Get the Drift
I tried really hard to make a punny italian joke. but it was impastable
What was Rob Bartlett's go-to line in his WackyPaki comedian routine? Take my wife, if you would be so kind.
Q:How do you tell the time in Antarctica? A:I don't know,Alaska guy and tell you
Dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
What do you call ten Frenchmen who stand in front of their goalie for 90 minutes? Dix.
Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
How do you keep a blonde busy? Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a page and hand it to her.
A short joke for you Redditors What did the Buffalo say to his son? Bison.
Two men walk into a bar Well that wasn't very smart
Why do ecologists like lepers? Because they're biodegradable!
Humuhumunukunukuapuaa A joke from my 3 yo said just before Halloween. Ahem. What do Humu Humu fish say on Halloween? Trigger treat!
My Sunday School teacher is so old... .. when the New Testament came out she said "I don't care for the new curriculum."
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven't tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Why is Budweiser like sex in a kayak? Its fucking close to water.
Me: can i play music Funeral director: that's not appropriate Me: nana would've wanted it Director: ok CD player: someBODY once told me
Sometimes you feel like you've grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.
How are a tupperware container and a walrus alike? They both like a tight seal.
I don't say "YO MAMA" jokes anymore... Cause they're all old and used up, just like your mom
I experienced a rape when I was 5... The babysitter never saw it coming.
A termite walks into a bar... and asks, is the bar tender here?
I dated a lizard once but he had a-reptile dysfunction so it didn't work out.
I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems. But don't worry. It's safe sex.
Plenty of great people were single just like you are. For instance: Voldemort. Wait, bad example. You're way less talented than Voldemort.
The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
Jesus and his apostles go to a restaurant... "Table for 26, please," Jesus tells the hostess. "But there are only 13 of you." "Yeah, but we're all going to sit on one side of the table."
A man came to my door and asked if I would make a donation to the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for my birthday. I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."
Did you know i DJ? Yeah, but I only do it every unce in a while.
How do you know if a Korean gang robbed your house? Because all the rice is gone, and three hours later, they are still trying to back out of your driveway.
Tip: Call your baby a normal name Me: Are you still mad your parents called you tip?
"I just died in your arms" sounds much more romantic than "You're holding a dead body."
(Warning:lame music joke. I just came back from a classicical music concert) Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the oboe solo.
Weed is not a drug, its a plant. Therefore, I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist.
I can't find a single Ekans here in Ireland with Pokemon Go. Thanks, St Patrick
Wanna hear a good joke? Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! hahaha! What did you think I was going to say?
Why did God make pubic hair curly? So we don't poke our eyes out.
I know a great US Postal Service Joke... ...but you'll never get it.
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his butt!
What do you call a wind that never gusts? Disgusting. I'll see myself out...
How did the sailor stranded on an island with a calendar survive a year? Eating the dates and Sundays.
A wheel fell off the vegetable cart... A wheel fell off the vegetable cart. What do you need to fix it? Asparagus. (A spare, I guess)
Did you hear about the attempted shooting at the 2015 Pokemon World Championship? The gunmen tried to escape, but luckily, officers were able to catch'em all.
Why was the photographer arested? Indecent exposure.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE'S A WITCH"
Where are things that are very average produced? The satis-factory.
If being successful was an amusement park, I'm the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
"Mom I got a 36!" "On the ACT?" "No, the SAT!"
Given that my grandmother's world is upended by soup that is too salty, I can't help but question how bad The Depression REALLY was.
today i won a raffle. received a life supply of marmite, one whole jar.
If you call a foreigner who wants to be Japanese a weeaboo and a foreigner who wants to be British a teeaboo what do you call a person who wants to be a Canadian? A Caribou
I bought a pair of shoes from a ginger. I have no idea why he sold them to me, they have no soles.
*wakes at 3am* *sits in dark* *jingles chains & scratches walls* *waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can't sleep & we open gifts*
I'm home alone eating donuts and listening to Journey. I think I can stop believin' now.
When Pavlov was done with his experiments what did he do with his dogs? Donate them to the salivation army ^^I'llseemyselfout
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
drity What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? Her wedding cake.
My wife was proud that I admitted to also being married to someone else ...she said it was big of me
What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie? I'll be Bach.
Why did Harry Potter buy so many golden snitches? Because they were only a quideach
Looking at your innocent 5 year old now, I bet you can't imagine him drinking and taking drugs. Just you wait. First grade can be brutal.
What do parrots eat ? Polyfilla !
U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall
[First date] Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling? Him: Water? Me: No, my personality.
My friend told me I don't know what irony is Which was ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
What was Snoop Dogg's ghost arrested for? Possesion.
what do you call a Chinese man with 2 black eyes who lamped chow
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.
Which area of Zelda: Ocarina of time uses the most resources? The long long farm.
Did to hear about the guy who pretended to wash his hair with excrement? It was actually sham-poo. *thunderous applause*
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad. Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Sarah Palin hasn't said anything idiotic yet this year. I hope she's okay.
[Catholic church] *priest hands out "What To Expect At Your Exorcism" Husband: Babe, this isn't counseling Me: You said you'd try anything
What looks like half a cat ? The other half !
Never bang someone old enough to be your mom especially if you were adopted
My subscription brings all the newspapers to the yard.
I don't hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah's witnesses to your door...on a daily basis.
Broccoli is like anal sex. If you didn't like it forced on you as a child you probably won't like it as an adult.
How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day Get a divorce.
Just walking down the "Gluten Free" aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone's carts.
I never considered typos to be that big of a deal until the day I dialed 921.
You're never too old to learn stupid shit.
What do you call an alien in a swamp? A MARSHian
Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon? but they hired a government contractor that cut corners
Did you read that story on r/news? [removed]
My ex-girlfriend said that she misses me all time She also said that she's taking lessons to improve her aim.
any love for Trump reversal jokes? In Obama's America, you serve the president, in Trump's America the president serves you.
Someday I'd like to meet the tiny creature piloting Vin Diesel's body.
I spent ages trying to cross a busy road. Some passer-by said, "There's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road." I thought, "I hope he's having better luck than me."
When my new neighbor dies, I'm going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
An atheist, a vegan, and a pot smoker walk into a bar. I know because they all immediately told everyone.
Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? He died instantly.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
Two boll weevils grew up together. One became rich and famous. They other became poor and homeless. The second one is the lesser of two weevils.
The most offensive joke I know. Why do pharmacists put cotton wool balls in all of their drug bottles? To Remind black people that they were cotton pickers before they were junkies.
Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor? Because she was in the non-friction section.
What is a Word documents least favorite blood type? Type-O
- How was school? 4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions - laughs - oh honey - nobody would name their kid Trenton
What do you call a cheap circumcision?? A rip off
We've replaced Steve's regular coffee with a detailed understanding of the impending heat death of the universe. Let's see if he notices.
I was going to make a sheep joke But it just came out baaaaaaaad
What's the most oldest joke in the world? The human race.
I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
NSFW: Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In the loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
What did the salmon say when it hit the wall? "Dam"
What do you call a queer redneck? A confederate fag.
I'm a leader, not a follower... Unless it's into a dark place, then screw that, you're going first.
Once a month, women go completely crazy ...for about 30 days.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist...
Why is the plunger gay? He was born that way you homophobe!
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat! Cat nurse, excitedly: I've got this.
Joke for people who look at the custom settings when installing windows 10. What's the difference between windows 10 and the world's biggest virus? The Logo.
I told someone my name and they said, "That's unusual. You don't hear that every day." Actually, I do.
Who's this moderation person everyone tells me to drink with?
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who pee in the shower, those who don't, and those who didn't realize this joke was in trinary.
How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children? Backwards.
New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT
What did the kid with no hands get for christmas? gloves! just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet...
Classic Norm MacDonald joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGr_7p5Ti0Q
So apparently you're supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I like my ex's like I like my coffee... Ground up and in the freezer
The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target. It's an attention-seeking missile.
50 mph winds here and I looked out the window and saw a package of Oreos fly by my house. At this rate, I will never have to leave for food.
Did you hear about the dislexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
What do you call five tomatoes? A tom-a-FOOT! In Europe, they call it a tom-a-METER.
How to tell if your house is haunted... ...it isn't.
Sat here scratching my ass, spying on the neighbour washing her beaver, it dawns on me. We have some non-traditional pets on our cul-de-sac.
Whats the difference between a piece of paper and an emo. The paper cuts you not itself.
A man walks into a pizza parlor owned my a couple of monks He walks up to the cashier and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
So, they recently discovered a recording of Michael Jackson covering Bob Marley It was titled "One Glove"
I heard a joke today that made me shit myself. It was just a bit of self-defecating humor.
What do you call a turtle without its shell? Dead.
Hey, not too bad I know mom I know mom I know mom I know mom I know mom I know mom I know mom I love you too Ok, bye -phone convos with mom
I sold my vacuum cleaner today.. It was only collecting dust.
I like my coffee like my slaves... Free!
If you're wearing khaki above the waist I'm going to assume you know everything about every animal.
Why do white girls always travel in odd number packs? They can't even
Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships.. I came out with a Bronze..
"A team of medical scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy, however they claim that no one has shown the slightest but of interest" - George Carlin
what if the Blair Witch was just lonely
I have always wanted to swim with dolphins But they keep dying on me during the bus ride to the pool.
The Rock is going to have a kid, which they'll name Pebbles.
What does a pimp do when his garden needs tending? He grabs a hoe.
There's three kinds of people in this world People who can count and people who can't count
Q: How do you make an idiot think he's a duck? A: Tell him he's a duck.
Finding a good date is like looking for a parking spot... all the good ones are taking and the rest are handicapped.
[running away from killer] KILLER: YOU'RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I'LL GET U ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
What does Michael Jackson do when he gets kids to the top of the Empire State building? Tosses them off.
I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember the man in my bed last night and tell my boyfriend.
What does a blonde do to impress others Names herself as James, then introduces herself as I am blonde, James Blonde
After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide CHECK CZECH CHEQUES
I slipped on ice and discovered I'm a natural at break dancing
Excuse me, waiter. Is my order almost ready to Instagram?
What kind of fruit never leaves the bowl. Cantaloupe
What do you call a slow-learner born the beginning of August? A leotard
After triplet sisters plummeted off a Hawaii cliff, one died and two survived. The other was charged with murder. But now she's all ... tied up in the other two's finances!
I screwed one of my fans. Safe to say it blew me all night.
What do you say when you get swindled by an Egyptian tour guide? Egypt me!
Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger? To breed a Kennedy that could take a bullet.
Mum: How come your friend ______ hasn't been around lately?  Me: Because he turned into a cunt.
The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job. I have half a mind to tell him so.
What do you call a violent white man? Officer
Chuck Norris threw a grenade Chuck Norris threw an grenade and killed 30 people. Then the grenade exploded.
Rooster and donkey If you have a donkey and I have a rooster and the donkey eats my rooster, what do you have? Two pounds on my cock in your ass!
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office... Wearing nothing but seran wrap. The doctor looked at the man and replied, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
A woman with a strong accent walks into a bar. Going in to order a drink, she asks for a beer. The bartender says "Anheizer Busch?" The woman says: "Good! And how's your prick?"
What score did Lenin get on his exam paper? ...Full Marx
Did you hear the guitarist who got in trouble? He was fingering a G string but didn't notice it was A minor.
I got a Trophy Wife but it was for participation
a neurology proffeser is doing a lesson about orgasims. .. He asks one of his femal students "what do you think your asshole is doing when you orgasim" she replies " its out playing golf"
Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
What did the right eye say to the left? There's something between us that smells.. *drops mic*
What is the difference between 3 dicks and a joke about Muhammad? Terrorists can't take a joke about Muhammad.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes \*whack* "Fuck." The other goes "Fuck." \*whack*
The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument ...the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.
Racism exists among all races of the world white people are just better at it, like most things.
There's nothing scarier then a mosquito coming out of Magic Johnson's house
How do Japanese people ask for rice? Samurais?
in 1st grade a kid teased me by saying the pink power ranger was my girlfriend, which, man, that would have been quite a pull for a 6-yr-old
I was ecstatic to have an out-of-body experience... ...in fact, I was beside myself.
It's Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for em.
I went to the Zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a Shitzu
Why is owning a Prius difficult? It's hard to drive when you're patting yourself on the back all the time.
A man was found dead in an ice cream van covered in nuts and sprinkles Police say he topped himself
What do you call a shitty journal? A Diarrhea.
- 911,what's your emergency? - I'm out of beer! - That's no emergency. - Chest pain? - We'll send an ambulance. - Make sure they bring beer.
How many dead hookers does it take to replace a light bulb? At least more than eight, the light in my basement still doesn't work...
Sarcasm is truly the most significant force in the world. Seriously, where would we be without sarcasm?
The girl in the kitchen is cooking dinner When dinner didn't arrive on the table, they looked in the kitchen. They didn't find anything but Tara-gone.
You know what the best thing about Alzheimer's is? You can hide your own Easter eggs.
"I'm not really supposed to do this," says the Verizon employee, showing you the setting on your phone that unbinds love from sorrow.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis.
How do you know a girl with leprosy likes you? She gives you the eye.
How do you think the unthinkable? An Ithberg!
What happened to the the Pentagon after the plane crash in 9/11? It turned into a hexagon.
A pedophile was taking a small child into the woods at night.... The kid say, "These woods are really scary". The pedophile replies with, "You're telling me, iv'e got to walk out of here alone".
What's the difference between UFOs and an honest politician? It is possible that UFOs exist.
Why are boy scouts like human sacrifices in a cannibalistic society? Their motto is "be prepared"
This may be a bit messed up. If you eat one thing a lot, people tend to joke that you'll "become it". I used to eat vegetables. Guess what I became.
What is an I.T teachers favourite drink? Icy-Tea
NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed? Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth. Wife: What trick? Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!
What do you call the field of study for dad jokes? *Sigh*ence
What's better than winning gold at the special Olympics? Walking
I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn. Edit: thanks for the gold! It's my first!
Well, well, well. I guess my silver letter opener isn't so "gaudy" now that there's a rampaging werewolf in the house, is it, Gladys?
At a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"
Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
What's the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes? My pizza jokes *can't be topped!*
You know I heard Hitler was a really good cook. . . Everything he made was kosher.
I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"
I saw an advert for a 1 TV. It said "The volume is stuck on full." Well, I can't turn that down, can I?
I have to start going to friends' funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to mine.
Who was Mobutu's father? Mobu One
How many Nazis does it take to finish a race? None, Nazis can't finish a race.
Americans! Chasing the American Dream doesn't count as exercise.
Anthropology It'll get you laid, but it won't get you paid.
If you're suicidal and experience time backwards, then you're in luck! The only way you can commit suicide is by getting in some pussy.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate. We all had a good laugh. Then I made her move out.
What's the difference between your dick and a joke? Nobody laughs at your jokes.
[walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.
Obama: "I have no more campaigns to run...because I won both of them" Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver
If Hitler was the mascot of a lemonade company I said "Glass of juice," not "Gas the Jews!"
the doctors gnash their teeth and howl through the night, but they dare not breach the lines of my apple orchard
What did Joan Rivers say to God when she arrived? Get a new robe!
Things you don't say while attending a group for sex addicts. I'll start... "I'm glad you came."
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two! One to screw it in and one to suck my dick. *Drew Carey
The woman next door was flashing me from her upstairs bedroom . How she got her car in there I'll never know.
If someone tells you they don't like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I like my women like I like my Whiskey...... About 15 years old, and mixed up with coke.
Well... You know what they say... So I guess I don't need to tell you...
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He used to lie awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
99 Camera walk into a Bar... The Bartender says "GET OUT!! We do not serve cameras in here now get out!" The Cameras say "All we wanted to do was to take a shot."
I wouldn't trust atoms if I were you. They make up everything.
You So ugly.. Local restaurant band you from coming in You can only take Togo orders..
"Why did Sally fall off the swings?" "Because she has no arms." "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Not Sally. Because she has no arms. "
Why should you never date a tennis player? Cause love means nothing to them
New studies show 9/10 people enjoy gang rape.
I think I'm going to vote for Trump He did prove his penis is bigger than Hillary's
What Did The Man With Leprosy Say To The Hooker? Keep the Tip.
I don't throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday's once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I'd follow humor pages on facebook but most of the time I see a joke, I've already reddit before
"This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
why shouldn't you fart in church? you'd have to sit in your own pew.
I think I'm an extrovert stuck in an introverts body. She was too polite to say no.
I'm opening a new Dental &amp; Spa treatment center "We'll fight our competitors tooth and nail for the best prices"
I was in the army once... I was in the army once and the sergeant said to me; "What does surrender mean?" I said; "I give up"
How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian? You switch sides at half time.
Tension at work Local engineer was fired after building a road over a creak further up stream then planned. Dispite his long years of service, it was a bridge too far.
The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I'm secretly diagnosing you.
what to ketchup and a condom have in common? they both go on your weenie
A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."
Sure fire way to really annoy a woman  tell her she is being too dramatic and overreacting.
How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident? As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^
Q: When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed? A: When he's red-handed.
How do you know Princess Diana has dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glovebox.
I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain? Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food? It was on a strict diet of worms. edit: changed pronoun to avoid ambiguity
(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn't giggle once...
Why didn't the NSA agent cross the road? He was snowed in.
What's the difference between Marmalade &amp; Jam You can't Marmalade you cock up a chicks Ass
My co-worker walks by holding asprin in his hand... He says, they say the weakest link in the chain goes first, I guess that's my head.
I don't really like my beard But it's growing on me
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but I hear the reception was excellent.
be careful tonight honey, guys ur age only want one thing.... sports. so b careful not to look too much like sports out there
Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves... ... Clinton and Trump are furious.
Don't even talk to me about how badass you are until you've seen how many ketchup packets i've stolen over the years
Carl: "It's chilly out." Me: "Tell me something I don't know." "Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials." "Fair enough, Carl."
What's the difference between hazelnuts and deernuts? Hazelnuts are normally around $1.50/lb, deernuts are always under a buck.
I just googled "Tramp" instead of "Trump" by mistake. I still got the information I needed.
I like my whiskey how I like my women... Fifteen years old and mixed up with coke.
Jesus said to Moses: "Come forth and I will grant you eternal life!" Moses came fifth and he won a toaster.
Kung Fu for Beginners by Flora Mugga
Pull the pin out of a grenade... and you can keep it for the rest of your life.
Breastfeeding in public. This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop. I can raise my cat any way I want to.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Chaz ! Chaz who ? Chaz nasty as you wanna be !
I still remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Knock Knock! Who's there... No one because you have no friends.
me *dead*: at least I don't have to pay student loans *Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
How did Rihanna know Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
A punchline my Japanese girlfriend came up with: What's black, white, and red all over? A Black Santa Claus!!!
[at daycare] Me: I'm here to pick up my son Daycare: what's he look like? Me: *points to my face* D: oh. Ok
I just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome. The first couple of chapters were terrible, but by the end I loved it!
How do you say gonorrhea in Russian? Rotchurcockov.
A black man and a Mexican man open a restaurant together. What is it called? Nachomama
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
What is the only result for Ear-rape? Hearing AIDS.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not "cooking". Making a salad is "assembling".
What is the difference between Ironman and Iron woman? One is a super hero and the other is a command. *I'll show myself out...*
We can find water on Mars but we can't something completely unrelated?
Where did little Sarah go after the bombings? Everywhere
Why was 7 arrested for homicide? Because somebody divided 14 into 2 and he was the prime suspect
What's the matter son? The boy next door said I look just like you? What did you say? Nothing he's bigger than me !
All I want from Uber is to be driven around until I fall asleep, carried over the driver's shoulder into my home, and tucked into bed
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It's their job to help people find their way in dark places! (MASH s1 ep7)
The invention of the shovel It was truly groundbreaking
What's 9 inches long, pink, and women scream when you put in their mouth? Their miscarriage
I had a nosebleed all of the sudden in the kitchen Now how am I supposed to tell them that my wife fell on the knife?
I heard they're making a revival of a show once Donald Trump is elected I'm going to love watching the new Orange is the New Black.
I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.
You know who's really upset about Romney losing? Wire coat hanger manufacturers.
Do you know what the hardest part of rollerblading is? Telling your father you are gay.
Did you guys hear that the hadron accelerator exploded? It was mass murder.
Most people see a "pregnant mom" planned parenthood sees a "parts store."
If the Mexicans are taking all of the jobs, then why do Koreans still rule the nail salons? Because Tu is better than Juan.
What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .. Dog: .. Me: ... Dog: .. Me: .. Dog: .. Me: ... Dog: ... (Women, take note *ahem* Man's best friend)
guaranteed Smile... possible Snigger if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up
A suicide bomber in a pet shop A suicide bomber enters a pet shop and announces... "everybody has only one minute to get out of here..." Tortoise: Fuck :-/
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A good joke is like a kid with cancer They never get old.
what's it called when you're secretly a norse god? you're low key loki
Have you ever seen something and just wanted to devour it? Anyways I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
At what age do you think it's appropriate... ...to tell a highway it's adopted?
Taken 4: Liam Neeson's daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says "just keep her. She's annoying and I'm tired of this"
Why did the tree keep getting grounded? Because it was s knotty pine!
A guy walks into a bar with a gun he says "Which one of you bastards fucked my wife?" and a small voice from the back of the room says "You haven't got enough bullets"
What's the difference between a raccoon and a boner? I don't have a raccoon.
I'll see your 7 year old joke and I'll raise you my own. What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
Why wasn't the vampire killed? The vampire hunter made a miss-stake.
My Girlfriend is leaving me after learning that I spent our life savings on a penis extension. She said that she could not take it any longer.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was Mexican and Donald Trump wouldn't allow it to cross the border.
[on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
'Calm Your Tits' is derogatory. Feminists reccomend, instead : 'De-stress the Breasts",'Soothe your Boobs', 'Give that Chest a Rest', 'Don't have a Rack Attack' and 'Hakuna the Tattas'
It would be easier to keep my New Year's resolution to accept and forgive people if they'd stop being the same jerks they were last year.
What kind of container is appropriate for noble gases? An innertube.
I sometimes pretend to hate Nickelback more than I do so you will like me.
What do you call a gummy bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
"I'm so sorry" and "my bad" can be used interchangeably Except at funerals.
What do you tell a girl with two black eyes.. nothin! You already told her twice
I was having trouble reverse parking... ...until I tried my back-up plan.
What is hitlers favorite yugio card? The blue eyes white dragon
My girlfriend said my dick reminded her of philosophy class Because it's so deep
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
What did the hooker say to the blind man? "Come here"
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
"I don't think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions" -Me when someone asks me a question that I don't know the answer to.
So I found out today that my diarrhea is hereditary It runs in my jeans Credit to /u/jdabarber
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bea ! Bea who ? Beacause I'm worth it !
Why does a Mexican take Xanax? For his Borderline Personality Disorder.
What do you call a game of basketball between two Mexicans? Juan on Juan.
50% of Asians have cataracts. The other 50% drive rinkins.
Mexicans jump the border alone or in pairs... Because there's no trespassing allowed.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? So they can tell if they are going to work or going home while on the bus.
Well I guess it's time we change Philip Seymour Hoffman's name to Philip Seeyanomour Hoffman!
What did the Italian dressing say to the French dressing? Nothing. Dressings don't have arms
I've never once used the "C word" in a tweet but I will now!!!! Cookie. There, happy now? You c**ts.
What did the bartender say to the alien? "You're drunk ET, go home!"
How do you kill a fox? Give him a fake leg and make him run across Canada.
Which NBA team likes McDonald's the most? Denver Nuggets 
What's the difference between a penis and a Christmas present? You wrap the present *after* you put it in the box.
Boyfriend asked me to put a few planks of wood together... Nailed it!
You know my grandfather died in a Nazi prison camp? He died falling off a watch tower
North Korea launched ICBM today Good news for them, it managed to make it out of Pyongyang this time
Donald Trump is like a Halloween pumpkin... Orange, full of slime, evil grin, and thrown out in early November.
I just got my roof painted. The painters worked all day long, when I asked them how much I had to pay, they just replied, "Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house. "
What's the best thing about a dead baby? The aftertaste.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi
My friend asked me if I was hungry... I said no, I'm Austria.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film "How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace"
wrong number every day i get 30 calls as wrong number what should i do ?? im fed up of wrong numberss``
Somebody finally complimented me on my parking today! I got a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine".
i wish humans were as excited to meet each other as dogs
HELP!!! I forgot it's Mother's Day! I need some quick Mother's Day Present.
What did one ISIS militant teacher say to their most successful student? You da bomb.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes him cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let's fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Why do feminist hate the bible? Because it ends with A-men
Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.
The 'S' should be silent in Scrapbooking.
Did you hear about the guy in masturbation contest? He really held his own.
Why do gingers always complain about uncomfortable shoes? Because they have no inner-soles
How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer? Put in the oven till it's Bill Withers.
What brand should suicidal people clearly avoid? Nike. Their motto says just "Just do it".
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, But don't bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Unless you're talking about Oreos.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I still keep my old Blackberry on me in case I get mugged and the person's like "HAND ME YOUR PHONE!"
"Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE." -- Hammerhead sharks
Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We're just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.
What's more stable a hamburger or a steak? A hamburger because it is in the ground state.
I think single ply toilet paper is very spiritual. I easily get in touch with my inner self.
I admire feminists... Especially those with huge tits and a nice juicy ass.
What's a Canadian's favorite number? Eight.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me! She said "no" both times.
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant.... If it floats: boy ant.
If a small quiz is a quizicle then a small test is a testicle My science teacher told us this.
How do you know your dog is gay? When his dick tastes like your husband's ass
A study says sugar is as addictive as smoking, alcohol and cocaine. Now I have to worry about testing positive for skittles!
If someone tells you there are 2 Ayers Rock... Don't be fooled it's uluru's.
My new computer is so fast that I told them to deliver it next Monday and it's here already.
I changed my iPhone's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One-to hold the bulb to the socket while the world revolves around them.
Where in Eastern Europe does Justin Timberlake like to kayaking? Crimea River
What does a woman trucker and a hockey team have in common? They both shower after 3 periods!
Why I Could Never Be Gay As A Man. NSFW I could never fuck something i respect.
Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton walk into a plane............... Ouch...
I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all. Turns out I have selfie-steam issues
Best joke ever Your karma score.
Strangers are friends you haven't met yet. Friends are lovers you haven't kissed yet. Lovers are corpses you haven't killed yet.
My wife called me crazy... CALLED
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting. What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
What are your most hilarious jokes if you dont know your opposite person?
Vegetarian curry is like lesbian sex. Same amount of heat, none of the meat.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Because he only **comes** once a year.
I saw some guy stealing a gate last night... I thought not to shout at him cuz he might take a fence.
Frank says to Bob: "I saw some Grees down by the river. We should go insult them." Bob replies: "Frank, you know I'd never diss a Gree with you."
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
If a blonde and a brunette jump off a bridge, who would hit the ground first? The brunette, the blonde would stop for directions!
What should you do with a burning Kotex? Throw it on the ground and tamp on it.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather sh!t in my hands and clap !"..
Hear about that guy who overdosed on viagra? His wife died.
There should be a documentary about meth addiction: Need For Speed
two muffins were in an oven. one muffin turns to the other muffin and says "its hot in here " the second muffin turns to the first muffin and says " holy shit a talking muffin"
Why did the peadophile sign up for Netflix? He liked chillin.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses  in her yearbook.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.
When I was a child, I loved astronomy and I actually saw Orion's belt many times. My Dad's nickname was Orion and he used to beat the shit out of me because I didn't like sports.
Had my autobiography published last year and haven't sold one copy.... Story of my life.
Facebook: Making relationship's look better then they actually are since 2005
everything in the world's horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
TIL There is a new drug for lesbians dealing with depression. It's called 'trycoxagain'
I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Bugger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
What do you call a gay vegetarian? A vegetarian.
It's not herpes... They're called Genital Cold Sores
What kind of bees make milk? Boo bees.
I knock some sense into people with a hammer.
want a brand new identity when you go back to school? why not change your name to 'Bird Christmas' or 'Crisp Terdass'
Why did the gifting company fire their last employee ? Because they got a bad wrap.
Where did Neanderthals get their chicken wings? Cave-FC
I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse on almost 4 years of sobriety.
I think my friend is a vampire I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died
What superhero would a (insert stereotype here) man be? Batman. Why? Because he can't go out at night without Robin!
What do black people get when they die? Nigger Mortis
How do I know Sarah's a vegetarian? Because I've me herbivore.
Two six year olds are walking to school Boy: this morning, my daddy found two used condoms in our patio. Girl : what's a patio ?
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol I think I will quit reading soon.
To err is human; but to really mess things up  requires a computer.
How do you confuse an asian? Put a steering wheel in front of them
Him: I love nerd girls Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene? Him: no. not like that.
I fucked a girl in an apple orchard once It was great until i came in cider
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I'm getting carried away.
Sammy just bought a new pair of pants. He's explaining to Dean that these pants were specially fitted for dancing. "Ballroom?" Dean asks. "Not much," Sammy replies.
*tries several times to connect to the internet using a dial-up modem* *reaches #1 on the dubstep charts*
Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister...
Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because D-shells are too big and B-shells are too small.
I hope Death is a man. That way it will come quickly and be over before I know it.
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama... Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Just monkeying around An orangutan walks over to an another orangutan and says 'Yo, I'm the best at climbing and swinging!' His friend looks at him and says 'that's a gibbon.'
League of Legend Spell Why do Summoners spell still exist if Summoners what delete in Lol ?
What's the difference between a Trump interview ad-lib, and a Person of Color? One's a tangent; the other a tan gent.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
What did the wise man say to the science class? Many photons make light work.
birds &amp; bees a boy asks his mom "mom, where do babies come from?" the mom pauses and then says " the stork" then the boy says "ah, who fucks the stork?"
Court Comedy In a courtroom, where tensions are high... Judge: Order! Order in the court! Plaintiff: I'll take a ham on rye.
What do 90's boy bands and blue spruce trees have in common? They all have frosted tips.
What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer.
Tiger, Lance and Tom walk into a cold bar... "Heaters," the bartender cries in frustration, "I told him to send me heaters!"
Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.
Two guys walk into a bar You think the second one would be smart enough to duck
[comes out of coma after 12 years] ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to 'Away'! DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.
*rubs lamp* *genie comes out* You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes. "I wish for more genies." I SAID NO WI- oooh, you're good.
What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables? The wheelchairs!
There's only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Whats your name? Whats the color of the sky?... Me: whats your name? You:(insert name) Me:whats the color of the sky? You:blue Me:whats my name? Now put it all together.
I had to break up with my French horn playing girlfriend... ...She was great, but every time we kissed she tried to put her fist in my ass.
Did you know the average performer can subsist off of one compliment for multiple nanoseconds?
What did the Klondike Bar say to Jesus? What would you do.
Happy Columbus Day! The man invented OUR modern work culture! He set out to do somethin, stumbled upon somethin else & took credit for it!
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It's called the moon.
Did you hear about the chicken that broke its wishbone? Its ok it was a lucky break
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses! 
A long joke jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke
Is the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.
What do fish smoke? Seewead
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West] COACH: you idiots *melts*
At least my parents April fools joke wasn't a child. /u/ChodeologyPHD came up with this.
What do you call a masturbating pickle? Jerkin' Gherkin
How did the calf's final exam turn out? Grade A!
Why is the vagina like the weather? Because when it's wet it's time to go insiiiiiiide.
The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat
Where do Martians drink beer ? At a mars bar !
There are three bears a black, a brown, and a white one. Which bear dissolves in water? The white bear, because it's polar
How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.
'Brexit' to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Two spiders are at another spiders funeral. "Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly." "Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?" "Starvation."
Every time I eat fast food I have the thought 'It's kind of ok if I die. People die.'
I would like to start a career in boxing, but I couldn't find any promotor But then I can just send a tweet to Donald Trump
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you're a jerk and I'm stupid
My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Why did the Afgahni get burnt lips? Because he tried to blow up a bus.
News of Whitney Houston's death traveled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up with emotion. She was  a real heroin. It's such a blow. She really made a hash of things though.
My friend was telling animal puns I thought they were boaring.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
How do you kill a retard? Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"
Why do Seagulls live by the Sea? If they didn't, they'd be Bagulls!
What do a piece of tuperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal.
Taking vocabulary to a whole new thingy
Why are teachers always making answer keys? So they can open doors of opportunity for their students.
what did the old man say before he kicked the bucket? old man "how far do you think i can kick this bucket".
What's the difference between a man and a margarita? A margarita hits the spot every time!
Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes.
A rainbow.. Is gods little way of frowning at gay people
What's the difference between a concentration camp and a cancer treatment facility? Concentration camps had survivors.
Why is Natural Light Bear Grylls favorite beer? Cause it tastes like piss.
What are the voices in my head saying, I hear you all ask...
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life... Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Ever heard of the DNA? National Dyslexic Association.
What's the difference between a man and a margarita? A margarita hits the spot every time.
Why can't pirates play any card games? Because someone's always on the deck!
My nickname is Snapchat.... My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.
I'll catch you later: Cool thing to say to a friend, scary thing to say to a child.
I found out my girlfriend is really into buoyancy. I said "Whatever floats your boat."
The square was killed 10 minutes ago... The killer must be a-round
3 unwritten rules of life 1) 2) 3)
What's the first letter of the Canadian alphabet, eh?
What's the favorite song of blacks I shot the sheriff
Are instant noodles male or female? Male. Cause they get ready in a couple of minutes.
"More like LOTION pictures!" - awkward conversation in an adult movie theater before the show starts
NPR recently did an interview with on one of the key lobbyists trying to preserve the penny. He described himself as an agent of change in Washington.
Do you remember how before social media nobody cared what, where and with whom you ate? Still nobody cares.
You shouldn't be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
So I just flew in from Cleveland And boy are my arms tired.
I'm going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I had issues with my wireless mouse... ...so i got a cable cat and now my problems are solved
I think the only thing Fox News hasn't yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson's bullets. #ferguson
"How did your *looks down at notes scribbled on hand* favorite sports team do in their *looks down again* sporting contest today?"
Hockey is the only place where Waving your stick in someones face will get you the box.
I tried to catch some fog... I mist.
Why did the Frog cross the road? Because it was stapled to the Chicken.
Do you know why Trump's name is on all of his buildings? So the banks know which ones to take back! Ha cha cha!!
Stephen Hawking can actually be pretty funny sometimes... But I don't think he's got what it takes to do stand-up.
Remember don't judge, you never know what another person is going through Unless they're constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
The Names of Politicians Bush... Dick... Boehner... Weiner... And they say politicians sometimes win via *name recognition*.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who's gonna pay my bills? me? I didn't ask for this
What's the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a Busty Crustacean
My king, the peasants are revolting! I know, they're disgusting.
The thing about bird jokes are... sometimes they're hard to swallow. Owl let myself out.
Yes I have exams. No, I'm not easily distracted. Yes, my shadow is interesting.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text DOG FRIEND: which color heart? DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one DOG FRIEND: omg
Why did the plane crash into the mountain? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
How do you measure the speed of circumcisions? Mohels per hour
How are PCs different from woman? I know how to turn a PC on.
Guns don't kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
You can't spell ginger... without nigger
Why is 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
This Valentines Day, I want to really surprise my wife. So I'm gonna introduce her to my girlfriend.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
NFL No Fingers Left
I farted in the Apple store and everybody got pissed It's not my fault they don't have Windows...
a C, an E flat, and a G walk into a bar... the bartender says: sorry, we don't serve minors.
What do 9 out of 10 people consider a good time? Gang rape.
why didn't the alcoholic become a lawyer? because he couldn't pass the bar
If it looks like a duck & quacks like a duck, it's a murderer, disguised as a duck.
I like my women how I like my text wrapping... Tight.
I didn't hold open a door for a woman and she said 'I suppose chivalry is dead' So I put my sword through her heart to prove that bitch wrong.
If you're driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
What is the direct competitor for Dungeons and Dragons? Helmets and Spades. Tee hee.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off
knock knock jokes Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
You know the economy is bad... When you pull into the McDonald's drive thru and the person at the speaker asks... Can you afford fries with that?
How do you find the pilot at a party? He'll tell you.
Name three things that come in a little yellow box Kodak film, Dots candy and Woody Allen.
What happens when Fonzie doesn't fold his clothes after doing laundry? His shirts get all winkly.
What do white girls celebrate on December 25th? ChristMAAAAAAAAAS
Prank Idea For The Ladies: Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
There's a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I'm not sure if it's performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I can't believe my computer has the audacity to edit audio
What do you call a Mexican nurse? [A care beaner.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carabiner)
You know what a Walrus and Tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal
What do you call a guy with a shovel? Doug
A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted... With tears rolling down my face, I shouted out loud. "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I decided never to visit Thailand again.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I'm not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
it's always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My friends say I'm like a candle. If you forget I exist, so help me God, I'll burn your house down.
These people act like they've never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Fox has a new competition special airing tomorrow night. "So You Think You Can Prez"
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids] 5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken. Me: What's wrong with it? 5: It doesn't even cut off arms.
What did the police say to the guy hiding in the bathroom? Come out with your pants up!
How to spot an idiot at the gym? They put a water bottle where the Pringles go.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house? Because he was Snowden
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible -Grandpa's guide to lawn mowing
Why doesn't the fat acceptance movement have a Gandhi? No one is willing to go on a hunger strike for the cause
Why do you want your lawyer to be a U2 fan? Cos they're always pro-Bono
"shake what ya momma gave ya!" *starts shaking low self-esteem*
What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 avocados? A guacamole.
I hosted my very first orgy last night and it was a total disaster Nobody came.
Whats the difference between Bob Marley and Heracles? Heracles beat Cancer
You say "bed." I say "horizontal worry pod of nocturnal overanalysis." Let's not get caught up in semantics.
Why did the Donkey Vacuum sell so poorly? Because it sucked ass.
I thought about buying used toilet paper But I hear it's pretty shitty
What do ghosts wear? Boo Jeans
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? Only a hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Did you know Captain Kirk has three ears? Left ear, right ear... and final front ear.
I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.
What'd the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
I have to make a best man's speech at my brother's wedding next month. I need a few jokes to liven up my speech. Any ideas?
85 year old Viagra user takes a tumble I've fallen and I can't get up
[spooky noise comes from my closet] monster under my bed: you heard that too right
What do you call a gay who actually fought in Vietnam and doesn't speak english? Russian
Why don't your balls like being chomped on? It makes them a bit teste.
The 2nd grade teacher asked parents to donate supplies for tie dye tshirt day but I'm not sure I can come up with that much weed by Friday.
What do you call an ion that also raps? Fluoride, duh.
A roman walks into a bar
Apple is reinventing the wheel. It's going to be Revolutionary!
Whats the medicine for people who are addicted to anal sex Trynoassatall
I love how they put Mexican translations on condom wrappers Like they use condoms anyway
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.
Now I ain't sayin she a gold digger. But she was messin wit some pretty elaborate gold mining equipment down by the river bed today.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds* nno--nonono it cant be...RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A-- IM A-- *turns into bungalow* IM A WAREHOUSE
Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one? B: You can have both A: Three
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
What's the difference between a pick-up artist and an Atari 2600? An Atari 2600 has more game. :)
Mom: why are your eyes dilated Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love Mom: what were you looking at Me: memes
I changed my ID to say "Organ Bonor" rather than "Organ Donor". It's spelled wrong, but I hope it still makes the doctor laugh.
Chromebooks.
LPT: Don't trust everything you read on Facebook Unless it's the pope endorsing Trump. That definitely happened.
*smashes car through your living room* Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers
First Time F: they say the first time hurts, is that true? M: I don't know, but I don't think so. F: they say that every time M: amateurs
How did the Hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool
I'm starting to think my crippled neighbor is gay. I am not sure if I should call him a fruit or a vegetable
I've been getting bullied... and I've been thinking about suicide. I would simply just drink BULLEACH.
It's amazing the things you'll do for a person when you want to see them naked.
I have something to say to anyone who has more than one Bachelor Degree That's a bunch of B.S.
A pirate, a chicken and a train enter a bar. "what can I get you?" ARR BKAWK CHOO CHOO
I've noticed something about /r/Jokes... ...all the comments are very punny.
When life gives you lemons... Sue because you wanted pizza saw this one from a youtuber I really like haha
I've never gotten in a car accident whenever I'm drunk or high. So, statistically, based on the data, I am a worse driver when I'm sober. Now where's my whiskey?
A blonde walks into a bar The man behind her just walks around it.
I like my women like I like my Nintendo........ 64
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers.
[1st Date] Brain: Be cool, gurl Him: Hi, I'm Ja- Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins Him: Netflix: So... Just you and me again, eh?
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
A monk walks up to a hot dog stand he says to the cart owner, "Make me one with everything."
I will never miss you, because I'm a really good shooter.
[restaurant] DATE: Tell me something naughty about you ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven't brought any money
I like my girls like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
I complained to my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said "Don't be ridiculous! Everyone hasn't met you yet"
Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn't the most romantic move ever.
Welcome to Wendy's, Where our credit card numbers are always fresh! Never frozen.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I'm at her place showing her how to open it.
What's the difference between OP and a Pregnant woman? She delivers.
After watching Star Wars 20 told me he probably wouldn't go and see it again. And now I'm thinking he looks a lot like my old mailman.
Why can't black people swim? Because the cops will arrest them
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
What does a musician use to build a house? A tuba-four
What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from? LIESTRONG bracelets.
Great roll model A kid all confused asked his dad: Dad, dad..What is closer the moon or London? To what the dad responds all serious: Do you see London from here?
I hold my 440mL Pepsi can in the same way i hold my iPhone 5 With regret
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
If someone ever tells you your clothing style is gay, just say, yeah it came out of the closet this morning.
Went to Whole Foods today, because we needed $157 worth of pesto and breads that will be stale in an hour.
What if God is gay and created Adam as a lover but Adam was straight and said "no way God." Then God got all pissed and created suffering?
How to you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out it
The same woman who said "I'm your mom not your friend" has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Aaahh ahhh cough cough
I went out the other night and tried a pelican burger for the first time.... It was amazing but the bill was enormous!!
Told this girl to text me when she got home.... I think she homeless. ----- I don't own this and I take no credit.
No offense, but I'd only circle half the globe to be with you.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Dear men, We love you until you forget to call or show up late or breathe the wrong way - women P.s you're reading this tweet wrong
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?
Being in a vortex Must really suck
What do you call a gassy Russian? Vladimir Pootin'
My new girl friend. Just got a new Czech girlfriend, but its taken her nearly 5 days to hoover the house. Turns out she's a Slovak.
If God were a guitar chord, what would he be? Gsus
I murdered a load of Jehovah's at church today. Don't worry, I left no witnesses.
I used to be in a band called "Frequent Urination". You might have heard of us. We had several number ones.
Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.
Why doesn't George R.R. Martin have Twitter? Because he would just kill off all 140 characters.
Q: Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat? A: She wanted to wash up on shore.
I would say I'm pretty Indecisive... Well actually maybe not
[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview] Boss: Your resume says you are "definitely not 3 ducks in a suit." 3 Ducks In A Suit: That's correct
Rap is like a mountain. It's mostly black, but the top is white.
Reportedly Wayne Rooney said to Roy Hodgson "I don't know if I'm better on the left, middle or right" Hodgson responded "Shut up and pick a seat on the plane Wayne"
And the Oscar goes to... Jail.
What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking. JK...Rowling.
A man walks into a Doctor's office screaming, "I'm a wigwam, I'm a TeePee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a TeePee!" The Doctor Says, "You're too Tense"
The best revenge is living well, unless you own a flamethrower.
What sort of undergarments does a succinct pugilist wear? Boxer briefs!
What do you call the 72 virgins that Allah gave isis? Goats
Men can I ask whats up with your all-in-one shampoo/conditioner/body wash/insect repellent/motor oil/mouth wash/sun block/laundry detergent
I hope DC residents have good flood insurance Because that swamp turned into a damn lake real fast.
What do you call a blind person who can't find his/her glasses? Eyeronic.
Hitler was bad. He is going to Heil. get it? heil?
Melania Trump immigrated to America in 1996 And after her speech I now see why Donald says that "all immigrants are thieves"
What's an epileptic man's least favorite element? Cesium.
What has two wings and an arrow? A Chinese telephone
If the opposite of con is pro... ...the opposite of constitution has to be prostitution.
Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
I think it's odd that you can buy binoculars, but no heteronoculars, homonoculars nor transnoculars.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman
When searching for Gary Oldman on google images Make damn sure you dont miss that r...
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.... I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
My math teacher called me average. How mean.
What do you call a chicken drawing a sketch? Cock-A-Doodle-do!
A kiss makes my day Anal makes my hole weak
I woke up with a horse's head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse's body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
A Redditor has sex for the first time
Tape is so anti social It likes to stick to itself.
What do you call bad filmography in another dimension? Breaking the fifth wall.
The fact that you can feel sad, then listen to a song and feel better proves that feelings are stupid.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis? D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it's a hunch
Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.
I wonder what it's like to have sex in zero gravity... Or even in regular gravity.
What kind of phone does a burglar use? A no-key-a
What do you call a gay person on rollerskates rolaids
What's red and not there? No tomatoes.
What is white, 12 inches long, and not a fluorescent light bulb? Nothing.
Yo momma,.. Yo momma is so stupid, that when they play *Do the brown* she thinks its *Dodo brown* and the bitch shits on herself each time.
*Seeing words in itallic...* Makes me want to eat *pasta*.
Why is six afraid of seven? because seven is a registered six offender.
If I got 50p for every time I failed a maths test I'd have about 6.30 by now
What did Truman Burbank's father say to him? Don't you worry don't you worry child, Seahaven's got a plan for you
My statistics professor told me I was average... ... I told her "that's Mean".
Do you know how to tell when Trump is lying? His lips are moving.
If space is a vacuum... Why is the earth so dirty?
If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away
How would you rate an average upholstery job upon completion? Eh. Sew-sew.
Superman ruins a lot of button down shirts.
What's a Mad Cow's favorite rap song? MOO! Bitch, get out the way... Get out the way... Get out the way.
Hannah Montana DVD: $15, Tub of vaseline: $3, XL box of tissues: $2, Look of disgust from the cashier:Priceless.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life] *extended period of silence* "What the hell am I supposed to do with this..."
This doughnut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
how can you tell if you have amnesia? what was the question?
Did you hear about the ghost who learnt to  fly? He was pleased to be back on terror-firma.
Coming Soon Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold *cue explosion* PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN *fade to black*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.
My uncle invented this one today. What is the best part of a dog eating peanut butter? He has no hands to pick the pubes out.
[god designing humans] Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
TIFU by accidentally making a private message a public comment revealing my Jalapeno and Cheese Recipe. It was nacho business reddit.
Do you want to earn $$$? Yes, three dollars!
Just sewed together 3 bras to put on my neighbor's dog to cover its horrifying tits.
On the Wikipedia page for List of Serial Killers by Number of Victims it says "This page is incomplete. You can help by expanding it." Omg.
"Sir, it appears the bomb was hidden in the Japanese man's beer!" "Looks like the killer... BREW his mind."
LA girls say they want to go on "adventures" but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking
Why is 6 afraid of 7? because 7 is a registered 6 offender
In Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar
Spotting Idiots Online I wish there was some way to identify idiots online. Sent from my iPhone
Outside of a dog...... Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog well it's just to dark to read.
If you worked for a tarp company your unveiling would be a cover up.
What is written on Ronald McDonald's gravestone? McRIP
Call me a little softy... But I'd rather you call me a man with a small penis and a flagging erection.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi? Stew.
My friend said, "Hey, can you tell me the time?" I said, "Not on my watch"
If you ever come across a fork in the road Pick it up
No matter how kind you are ... German children will always be Kinder
Why did the chick disappoint his mother ?  He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !
Why does society think less of a man when he strikes a woman instead of sparing them? Because a strike only requires one ball while a spare requires two balls
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
What does 2 electrons say when the meet each other ? Hey, watt's up ?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans. "Just throw it all in a lake somewhere," says one long-billed scientist
Coworker: What a crazy weekend! Me: *takes a knee* CW: What are you doing? M: Protesting this conversation.
Today, I started on my second million dollars! I gave up on my first.
What does a flying rabbit has on his back? An eagle
What do you call a pachyderm that sings jazz? Elephants Gerald
my girlfriend hates orgasms when ever I give her one she just spits it out.
In what realm does Thor use his hammer the most? Milfheim
How can you tell you're at a gay Bar-B-Que? All the hot dogs taste like shit....
Finally tried Viagra,... Damn near broke my hand!
Why was the frog down in the mouth ? He was un hoppy !
Listing all my single socks on match.com.
I've compiled a list of women I'd like to sleep with for your viewing pleasure: 1.) You 2.) Every other woman in the world
I was arrested for killing a black man and charged with impersonating an officer
What is the difference between an elevator and black people? And elevator can raise kids
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
How Many Kids With A.D.D Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes??
I hoped to be a mortgage some day... But it looks like I'm forever a loan.
Confucius say... Baseball is wrong! Man with four balls cannot walk!
How much room does a fungi need to grow? As *Mushroom* as possible!
Whats a ducks favourite type of sex? [OC] Pondage
Farted on the bus, 4 people turned around, felt like i'm on "The Voice"
Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.
My dick is like my ring finger... Average in length and width and probably won't see much use until marriage.
*consoling friend who is a baker* I'm really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
I feel more shame when someone glances at my computer or phone and catches me looking at Facebook, than I would if it were porn.
***Abortion jokes are NOT FUNNY*** Cut it out!
Did you hear about the the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.
You know what they say about a guy with tiny arms? He has tiny legs. (if you know what i mean)
Sometimes I type a 'C' when I meant to type an 'A'. And now I have to apologize to my 'Aunt'
If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.
DATE: ...so that's how I ended up at Harvard Law! ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Why did the architect take so long to get started on his church blueprints? He couldn't decide what font to use.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
How do you make a hamburger green? Find a yellow cheeseburger and mix it with a blue one!
A pair of mittens says to a hat, "I'll stay here, you go on a head"
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless. "Where are you?" she moaned. "I'm at the pub." I replied. She said, "I think the baby's coming!" I said, "She won't get in, she's under-age."
So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was "supposed to look natural." My hair is purple, guys. Purple.
Mom: Where're you going? Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends? Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...
It's not love until you don't want them to have a good time without you.
What was the pirate boxing champion known for? His left hook.
- How can you always be such a happy person? - I never argue with people. - That's impossible! - You're right! That's impossible.
What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball? She choked.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Why is pornhub so busy today? Because it's erection day!
What is it called when the police work overtime? Copper Nitrate.
What's the difference in a dog, some meat, and a blow job? You can beat your dog, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blow job.
I know a guy that's nearly bald who always goes outside to dry his hair. I asked him why he did that. He said "It's a breeze."
What does a mexican Highlander say? "THERE CAN BE ONLY JUAN!"
Why do rednecks love sandwiches? Because they're inbred too.
How do you get three drunk, rowdy Canadians out of a pool? Ask them to get out of the pool.
Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 4 pints
Knock Knock Who's there ! Andy ! Andy who ? Andy little gadgets to have door knockers !
I'm never buying a Labrador... Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?
*Reversing my car* Ahh, this takes me back.
I just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe... ... I couldn't A-Fjord to live there.
Why did the cat cross the road? Because curiousity was on the other side
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
Did you hear about the swingers.. that got kicked out of the swap meet?
What do you call a dog on the beach? Sandy Claws Merry Christmas
I spent the whole of my day with my hand in my trouser pocket. Maybe that's why I kept feeling cocky.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret? I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye? [cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play] "I ran into a door"
What's Tom Brady's favorite type of chip? Cheat-Ohs!
Mirror Inspector When I think about it, inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Why was the rooster going to the urinals? Because that's where all the cocks hang out!
Someone put six uneaten pastries in the trash because Satan has many forms.
What's black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra
Columbia is the new Miss Universe
What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels? A heroine addict.
IT'S A BIRD! NO, ITS A PLANE! HOLY SHIT it's Dave!
I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping & I have to call it Cinnamon.
Sorry I replied "yikes" to your selfie.
Have you heard about that new movie with the poop? Constipated? Naw, that's never gonna come out.
Why do feminist picnics suck? Because no one made any sandwiches.
My favorite "yo momma" joke from the 2000s Yo momma so fat she takes up TWO Myspaces. And her top 8 are all sandwiches.
You know that amazing feeling you get after kissing a woman? of course you don't.
It seems to me that only reposts make it to the front page nowadays.
What's an old carpenter's biggest issue? Losing teeth.
Crazy the only reason some people are starving and suffering in the world is because they aren't "so blessed".
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror* *dad walks past* *dad double takes* *im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket... and says "Oh dammit some asshole has my pen!"
Why didn't the Marshmallow Peep cross the road on Easter? Because it was a little chicken.
What does Wonder Woman call foreplay? Amazon Prime.
What kind of pennies come from Japan? Jap-pennies
What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton? One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated
What do you call a fight between an Illegal Immigrant and a Pedophile? Alien vs Predator
What's the difference between you and a brick? Bricks can get laid.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said "Mom, you're not funny", I could buy a beach house. And live by myself.
How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the "S" out of "safe" and the "F" out of "way".
Why was Kunta Kinte such a renowned philosopher? He pondered the question "Toby, or not Toby?"
How can one get rid of the echo while playing a movie? Get some furniture
How are dogs and addicts similar? They both have PAWS
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? They don't. They just beat the room for being black.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You're in a boatload of trouble. Me: Yes, let's buy a boat.
911: What's you're emergency? ME: You mean "your"? 911: OK. So..? ME: Someone's murdering me 911: You mean "murdered" ME:.. 911: [dial tone]
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex, but my girlfriend insists it's for my dyslexia
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night... She nearly took my fucking eye out.
I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet. Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.
The worst kind of human contact is "eye contact through that crack in a bathroom stall when you're pulling up your pants" contact.
Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer. Him: Mom, I'm doing my homework. Me: *claps* Star! Him: I hate Twitter. Me: *belch* blocked.
They always tell me, "Measure twice. Cut once"... ...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs. I still have no eye deer.
It's strange isn't it, you stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.
Chinese kid was born before the due date Parents named him Sudden Lee.
Why was the woman so attached to her Dr. Scholl's gel insert? [OC] It was her sole comfort.
"I have 37 pairs of shoes, 23 purses, 9 pairs of sunglasses & an overflowing closet but how dare you waste $200 on that stupid toy!" - Women
What would life be without plumbing? Shitty
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol... the police think it might be race related.
I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
When you clean a vacuum cleaner You become a vacuum cleaner
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's got to want to change first.
Let's not buy them two of all the same toys we said. It'll teach them to share, we said. We are idiots.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you're like, "What the hell have I done?"
Don't Be Racist Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
If I were a dinosaur, I'd be a swagasaurus.
Why doesn't NASA send cows to space? Because the stakes would be too high.
I show sines of addiction to trigonometry...
Welcome to the BBC... Welcome to the BBC. Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
13YO: Why's he happy? He got dog-piled. Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down. Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
"The mood was somber plus it was a total sausage fest. The unlimited fish & loaves were a nice touch though."-Yelp review of the Last Supper
[NSFW] The Fastest Man Alive "Thank God you're here Premature Ejaculation Man!"Cried the helpless victim. "I came as fast as I could!" responded P.E. Man
4 AM BLADDER: Get up. You need to go STOMACH: And you're hungry BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We'd have to move there
I've never actually been caught smoking weed. But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.
What's the highest point in the ocean? The Marijuanas Trench.
Why doesn't, "I have a headache!" work for when I don't want to mow the yard?
How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic? Czechmate
I saw a "news" report about this guy in India who was born with five penises. *His underwear fits like a glove.*
I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person... ...and that person drinks a lot.
I like my Men like I like my Coffee I'm Mormon. I'm not allowed.
There used to be a bunch of German soldiers in France. But they Argonne now.
I got arrested for killing a black man They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
Why were the Medieval centuries known as the Dark Ages? It was the knight time
What discovery was the garden's mathematician excited about? AVOCADO'S NUMBER!
Do Russians only write in lower case letters? I mean, they hate Capitalism.
NSFR: Two tampons are walking down the street towards you. One is a Super and the other is a Slim. Which one says "Hi" first? Neither one...they're both stuck up cunts.
I call my penis Bernie Sanders... ...because it leans far left and stands up for everyone.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a  circle? A: A dope ring.
I can tell our waitress is a slut by the way she walks. Also by the way she fucked every dude I went to high school with.
Doctors don't charge for circumcisions, they just take tips.
Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.
A young boy asks his Jewish father for $40... The father replies, "40 dollars?! What do you need 20 dollars for? Here's $10" gives him a 5, "now go split it with your brother."
Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin? Friend: Yes, because Kevin's friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides Kevin: bro
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Can a ninja scale a wall in a single leap? Shuriken.
I hate forensic TV shows like CSI. I know for a fact that they are completely unrealistic... I mean come on, women detectives?
People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote "blackbird" about Batman
Five Guys isn't the same when only 3 of them are working.
What do gay horses eat? HAYYYYYYYYYYY!!
How many Hindus does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they will keep worshipping in dark.
It's Saturday, so I'm as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Spurs is the best football team ever.
You can't go up in a down elevator... ...but you can go down in an up elevator
What was white outside and black inside? The White House.
If farting was a mechanism to flag my territory, I would rule the world.
What do you get when you mix a hippie and a yellow? Mello Yellow
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have no switched to mint Oreos.
Girl Vs Boy Conversation Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
You are my fan because u blow me away.
I broke up with my girlfriend, who was into Astrology She was an Earth sign, I was a Water sign. Together, we made mud. Credit to Rodney Dangerfield, a great....
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.
A joke my 5yrs old just told me. Why did the police and fireman come?... Cause I just call them.
I remember my first time at a mic. "Cleanup on aisle 5" & "Price check-Advil" were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Today I learned that johann Sebastian Bach was a big time gambler... It got so bad that he went baroque. Sorry...
How does a sea urchin search the internet? sea urchingine
What do you call a potato on the street corner? Idaho
What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs fighting with his cat? Claude
I'm not surprised nobody has heard of the terrorist hairdressers? They're a fringe group.
Why did the Pussy Wagon fail the emissions test? It had a broken Catalytic converter.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My elderly narcoleptic neighbour burst into tears when I told her Davy Jones had died. I said "Cheer up, sleepy Jean"
You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you? Broke.
A riddle: it's yellow and if you push the button it turns red... A chick in a blender.
How do you call a dog that likes to be on the Internet? A Labragoogle.
Why do most men not like aspirin? Because it's a cox blocker
What do you say to a gay man with plumbers butt? Pull up your pants, I can see your vagina. Bahahahahahahahahahaha.
If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing? Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
Using a pencil to vote in the 2015 General Election... As safe an option as letting Jimmy Saville volunteer in a Kids Hospital.
So today is Earth day on what grounds are we celebrating?
What kind of fish would be good to tune a piano? Oh, you guessed it right ... the tuna fish!
Why can't cars fly kites? Because of the windshield.
I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.
Hello, I'm waiter, I'll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok
Toyota's solution for sticky gas pedal - shorten driver's right leg
"It's definitely better without a condom" I say, removing it from my soup
What sexual position makes the ugliest babies? Ask your mom.
A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday. So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.
TIL If coral get too stressed, they die. Their primary source of stress? Current events
I don't want to be racist.... so stop trying to make me to take up competitive running!
Why Heisenberg didn't have any kids the second he found the position he lost the momentum, when he got momentum he couldn't find the position.
While filling out a survey, I came across the gender option: Canadian... I guess you could say I'm Eh-Sexual.
I am so happy the US Supreme Court legalized gay marriage because I know that now the government and citizens will focus on the really important problems and issues.
Sometimes I yell at my stepladder, "You're not my real ladder! You can't tell me what to do!" And then I kick it. Feels good.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Ebay is great! I just ordered a chicken and an egg. We shall see what one comes first.
I used to be addicted to soap... ...I'm clean now
The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?
I bet you'll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression. It's called Trycoxagain.
How do you call it, when the internet is not working in Germany? "InterNEIN"
I'm amazed football players don't fumble on literally every play. One time I tripped on a curb and both of my shoes fell off.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I've offered to eat my friend. I'm not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? Nine. One to change the light bulb, and eight to beat the room for being dark.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on 'em. If a chick wouldn't hit on you, neither would a dude. Ugliness is universal.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
How does every racist joke start? By looking over you shoulders.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that's over with.
*on deathbed* "Son u were *cough* ado-" "Dad? I was adopted?!" "A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don't know why we adopted u."
What dog can you only find on the beach? A cockle spaniel!
A man overdosed on viagra No joke. http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/life-style/current-affairs/dad-takes-35-viagra-pills-as-a-dare-20150920-gjqqt7.html
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today's class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you're here now, you failed.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing "next" about 400 times.
"any ideas?" let's tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings "whoa whoa whoa, let's not get carried away"
I Support a Woman's Right to Choose Between the Staircase and a Coat hanger
Just made this up. What did one cannibal-rapist say to the other? "Let's do lunch."
Why does math class teach kids about Japan, Germany, and Italy? Because they learn about the x-axis.
So thankful I wasn't molested as a child, but think it's weird no one tried. Was it my fault??
How do vampire football players get the mud off?  They all get in the bat-tub.
What's the best part about buying dishes that are made in Mexico? They wash themselves.
What do you call a sexually active Buffalo? Horny.
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant. Including my name, address and phone number.
He asked what I like in bed so I was honest: 1. My dog 2. iPhone 3. Blankets fresh from the dryer 4. Take out
How do you make a woman blind? Put a windshield in front of her.
Two fish are in a tank One of them says: so you know how to drive this thing?
A bear walks into a bar. When he get to the bar he says "I' ll have a rum and.......coke." "Why the long pause?" asks the bartender. The bear replies "Well, I am a bear"
What do you call it when you lend money to a bison? A Buffa-Loan!
How do you fix a deaf car? With an engin*eer.*
People keep telling me I'm beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.
I can't believe my back is killing me. My spine has some nerve.
I've always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
What do women and pennies have in common? They ain't worth shit
"911, what's your emergency?" Hi i need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.
Did you hear that Tote's have brought out a line of spherical candies of suprisingly high quality? They're totes amazeballs.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club* "YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE-- *slips on a drink & lands flat on face* "SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish
I like my car how I like my life. Duty free.
What's a neckbeard's favourite element? Manga-nese.
Whats the best way to castrate a priest? Kick the alter boy in the chin
my signature move is called "the Mouse," where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I'm getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I've got Norton but.
Claustrophobic people are interesting Because they always try to think outside of the box.
I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I'm 30 and should be at work.
Essex Girl after sex! What does an Essex girl say after having sex? What team do you guys play for?
Sir, your resume is just a picture of you photoshopped into a quidditch match. No need for an interview, welcome to the White House
What did the Invisible Man's mom say after he came out as invisible? "I can't even look at you anymore!"
Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question. Boss: Better than anyone else I know...
What do you call a sea mammal with a mission? A porpoise.
[Nerd joke] Yo mamas so fat... That her jiggle physics can break a gtx titan x quad sli
"There are Nutella stains all over the silverware." It can't be me. I lick them before I keep them inside.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox? Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox? P: I didnt- CK: I'm not Superman
A nurse takes out a rectal thermometer from her shirt pocket And thinks, Some asshole has got my pen.
What do you get when you drop an egg off the Empire State Building? New Yolk
You know what's cool? 0C
Why are grapes so fun to go clubbing with? Because they're always raisin the roof.
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope
What fruit can't be married by itself. Cantaloupe
What's the most racist fraction? 3/5
A man walked into a lodge in Yellowstone  National Park. 'Can you give me a room and bath?' he asked the clerk. 'I can give you a room' the clerk said. 'But you'll have to take  the bath by yourself!'
Donald Trump is Boycotting Oreos Deez Nuts lives on a farm eatin all healthy. Donald Trump has reportedly boycotted Oreos. Guess you could say Deez Nuts is rubbing off on him.
What do cows like to listen to? Moo-sic!
What's the worst part of being a hooker? Every day is the week is a Moanday.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are among suitors for Twitter Will it be Twoogle ? Twindows ? The Wonderful World of Tweets ? Be prepared
Babies are really expensive, which is why all the ones in Babies R Us don't have price tags.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke! Luke: I'll never join you! Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays! Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
How often do elements masturbate? Periodically
What do the Police and Pokemon have in common? They gotta catch 'Jamal
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I run a support group for sex addicts They're all in the other room sitting in a circle... OH MY GOD
How to tell if someone doesn't crossfit
A cop asked me if I was high last night. I was on my balcony at my apartment and told him, "For being three floors up higher than you, I'd say I am!"
I brought my gimp home from the club yesterday and took off his mask... Oops, wrong sub!
Why is Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven is a SIX offender!!!
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?
Autocorrect just changed 'so thirsty' to 'sloth irate' and I'm slowly getting angry about it.
I feel like whoever named it a "magic marker" was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Angel. Jeff is talking to Ben :  My wife is an angel. Ben tells him :  Lucky you, mine is still alive...
Went to my uncle's funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I won't help a customer with their problem until they've been completely dehumanized.
What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park there, man!
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea  in the morning? A: It swells at night.
My son fell of the couch and said "I broke my butt!" So I said "I get some super glue to fix it." He said "ya but it already had a Crack in it!"
My son came home from school in tears and told me that his girlfriend had slept with his best friend. I was flattered, I never knew I was his best friend.
What is a skeleton's favorite instrument? a trom-bone.
At the Playboy Mansion I bet they serve fancy whore d'oeuvres before the main intercourse.
What's the difference between a girl and a grill? Grills are loyal enough to take your meat AND cook.
Where's the loneliest place on earth at? Hillary Clinton's vagina.
Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad. Maybe I should let her in.
Funny Jokes - Lots of Funny Jokes
Why did it take so long to see a picture of Saint West? Because he was a Tidal exclusive.
What did the facial hair say when it had to leave the party? "Sorry guys, moustache!"
What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette? A naked blonde doing cartwheels.
What are pornstars paid? Income.
What do you call a senior lady on her period A Ragtime Gal
My wife told me to take all of her clothes off last night I was so embarrassed. I really wish she'd tell me when she was coming home early
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?" asked the doctor. "Nope" she replied "But ah've been ultra-violated."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amour ! Amour who? Amour you eat the more you want !
What does the alchemist do to please his girlfriend? Elixir.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, he's to short to be an essay
How many calories do you get from eating pussy? Depends on which direction she wipes...
Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's  toes? A: Slow clowns.
What has ten letters and starts with gas? "flatulence"
Who were the Tallest Man in the World's roll models? Nobody, he had no one to look up to.
Why can't you ever build a great relationship with an archer? Because at the end of they day they don't want any strings attached!
You can't bait me. I'm the masturbator.
Do you know the best part about having only one eye and bad vision? LASIK is half off.
Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
Q: What did the witch put in her hair? A: Scare spray.
No male deserves to win the lottery.. They already won it when they were born.
I can't believe I just stopped a girl from being rapped. I got tired and stopped chasing her.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you fucking racist.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT'S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you fucking racist!
Gosh, hell must be really awkward. I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.
2: Where mommy? Me: Mommy's at a meeting. 2: Mommy is meat? Me: No. Well...yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island. 2: Ok.
Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.
What did one boob say to the other boob? You're my breast friend
Alan Turing was so gay it was illegal
Why do mathematicians never have to pay for sex? They find getting sum trivial.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
Whenever I go to delete an app on my iPhone, I like to pretend the shaking icons are all screaming loudly in panic over who's getting axed.
I found the secret to r/Jokes Ctrl + C Ctrl + V
What's your favorite position? Juxta
Biology Joke If I ever meet the cell cycle, I'm going to punch him in the phase.
[Request] Guys I need a knock knock joke that ends with a pun relating to Autumn Started the joke but just realized I didn't have an ending planned. Don't fail me reddit!
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. I heard this at work and thought it was clever. Enjoy
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven's a six offender.
How do you tell if a girl in Nebraska is a virgin? She can outrun her brothers... *mic drop* "I'm out..."
What are the "White Walkers" doing when we don't see them in a GoT episode? Chilling.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishmen? 0
*Blind Date* Her: Ask me anything.. Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos? Her: Are you seri.. Me: *flips table*
It's amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
What type of brain does a plant have? A membrane
I'm gonna make a proctologist training video based on the Shawshank Redemption The main characters name will be Andy Dufranus
I still don't understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Flatbread
Donald Trump isnt that weird looking... .........I would even dare to call him a little hand-some.
An Alzheimer's patient walks into bar... to get to the other side.
An Irish man walks out of a bar... Has never happened.
What's the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a run in the forest? Ones a pant in the country the others a...
Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they've been getting along lately and there's nothing on tv tonight.
My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. We call her Summer for short.
My friend was run over by a car. And man did he lose his head over it.
Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde brunette  or a red-headed snowman? A: A blonde because you have to hollow out its head
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.
Why is Rosie O'Donell fat? Because she likes to eat out!
I created the friend zone defense in basketball. You basically just compliment the other guys but never make a move.
An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."
Apparently O.J. Simpson is getting remarried He decided to take another stab at it
What do you call attempting to jump to light speed before checking the Hyper Drive first? A Wookie mistake!
Hi kids I'm Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you're a professional SWAT member on a bus that's about to blow up
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she'll just get the dog all wet.
If life gives you melons... you might be dyslexic
I like my women like I like my government. No Bush.
Husband: Honey I bought the new Gold Olympic Condoms... Wfie: Why not Silver and come second for a change...?
What do you call an arctic bear that goes both ways? Bipolar.
I was at my local home improvement store yesterday And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."
I was walking across the park... ...when I noticed a ball in the air getting bigger. "That's odd", I thought, "how is it doing that?" Then it hit me...
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as "quiet"
What do you call a zoo that only has dogs? A Shih Tzu
i just want someone to love me as much as sean penn loves haiti
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!
When do you REALLY know you need to break up with you GF? When she starts winning arguments with you inner-voice.
What do you call the slums in Paris? The baghetto
How did the anus win against the race car driver? He rectum
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? One is white and scares young children and the other is a ghost.
Me: *gazes into his eyes* Him: *sweats* M *winks* H: I'm kinda uncomfortable M: But this is love H: It's my job to fill liquor orders, ma'am
I'm at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out
2 scientists walk into a bar... The first one says "I'll have some H2O", the second one says "I'll have some H2O too". The bartender looks at them and says "Are you two idiots talking about water?"
Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
(Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian. I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech.
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? It's two tired.
A punchline walks into a bar. Hello, you have reached the punchline, leave a message after the tone. **beep**
Why is being a pirate addictive? They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!
You know, living away from my parents really makes me realize how much I need a dishwasher that's also a really good chef
Dating Profile Sex: Probably Favorite Food: Yes Favorite Movie: Star Wars Favorite Book: LOLZ
Don't trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
When does a lawyer make coffee? When he has sufficient grounds
Handicapped jokes are so cruel I can't stand them!!
Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches, and there are no dental records.
"the name's bond. james bond. james bond jovi." coming this summer, YOU ONLY LIVE ON A PRAYER TWICE. rated PG for piece of garbage
Why can't you get drunk with a sniper? Because they are usually done after one or two shots.
Someone told me that you look like an owl.
Most technology problems can be fixed two ways: 1) Turn it off and on. 2) Don't be an idiot.
A little boy comes running to his mother.. "I went into the bathroom and the light came on without me touching anything!" "Oh you idiot, you've pissed in the fucking fridge again."
My friend gets an erection whenever he sees chickpeas... He's a hummussexual.
Why did the marine park worker feel aimless? Because they lacked porpoises.
"Dad, I want to be a feminist when I grow up." Dad: "Well choose one honey, you can't do both".
I judge parties by how close to dead my cell phone battery is when I leave.
DOCTOR: I have bad news MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers a mile off.
What's the difference between a School and an ISIS training ground? I don't know man, I just fly the drone
What did the left boob say to the right boob? You're my breast friend.
OMG Hiccups are so annoying! You know what you should do if you have them? GO AWAY
What do you call a Rwandan tribe falling down a hill? Tutsi Roll
How do you enter an Egyptian's tomb? Tut-an-kham-en
The awkward moment when you can't read your own handwriting and you're like "WTF did I just write?!"
Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say "Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling."
Did you hear the joke about Melania Trump? Yeah sorry. You've probably heard it before.
In spanish... it only takes one to tengo.
The guy who invented Twister died this week. Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins.
What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille? "Danger: Do not touch"
Whoever invented the "Knock-Knock" jokes... Should get a No-Bell prize
Say what you will about Hitler, but the guy did kill Hitler.
You're not completely useless... You can be used as a bad example. *Heard Collin Farrell say this to Jimmy Fallon and laughed haha*
They say laughter is the best form of medicine. Well unfortunately my insurance doesn't cover it.
what's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a child? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
SON: *first word* momma. MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT? ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck* He never comes down our street.
My friends pet mouse Elvis just died. He was caught in a trap.
What did the man with the world's largest penis have for breakfast? I had a bowl of Corn Flakes and some buttered wheat toast.
What do you do when you see a space man? You park, man.
A normal knock-knock joke "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Are you." "Are you who?" "Stop speaking incorrect grammar and get out of my house!"
"I'm glad you're so normal. It's refreshing." "That's me- totally normal!" *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use more lube!
To be clear...putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves
How many r/jokes commenters does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know but that reminds me of a similar joke my uncle used to tell...
What's red and hangs from the ceiling? A red ceiling hanger! What's blue and hangs from the ceiling? [you reading this] I don't fucking know, a blue ceiling hanger? No asshole, they only come in RED!
Prime Day.
I couldn't get tickets for the Plan B concert. So I had to go with my first choice instead.
The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.
Whats the definition of love true love and showing off? Spitting swallowing and gargling.
Explaining puns to kleptomaniacs is hard because they often take things, literally.
Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.
How much does the average Hipster weigh? About 74,000 Insta-grams.
So I bought a Galaxy Note 7 today.. This phone is the bomb
What do Atilla the Hun and John the Baptist have in common? Their middle name.
Why did Trump bring his dog to the rally ? Because he likes it *ruffed up* !
"Hey look, there's a deer frolicking in the woods over there!" Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I LOVE YOU ... A man was out for a drink with his wife one night and he said, "I love you". The wife asked, "Is that you or the beer talking" He said, "It's me........ I'm talking to the beer"!
Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid... I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!
What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama? Pardon me
What's the difference between your mum and a roster? A rooster says cock a-doddle-do. Your mum says any cock will do.
I'd participate in more blind taste tests if they didn't always scream & hit me with their canes while I'm licking them.
What is an office gossip's favorite tool? A spreadshit, of course.
My skeptic system seems to be broken. The problem is that it misreads its capacity. It always thinks that the tank is full of shit.
Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny. I am not sorry.
If everybody became a zombie, which zombie would be the most life-threatening one? None of them, since everybody is already dead.
when I hit 45 I'm going to start sleeping in a coffin. let's be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. A: None the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Why did the dog die? It had Barkinsons
Had to sober up in a hurry this morning so I chugged a few Coors lights.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Australians don't have sex. They mate.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV.. "Bartender, can you get me that drunk?"
It would be so much more "festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? Seizure Salad
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got  married? A. Ruth-less.
If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.
Boyfriend and Girlfriend are at a baseball game the boyfriend leans over the girlfriend and says, "I'll kiss you on the strikes, if you kiss me on the balls"
I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend and how great her breasts were. It was a real trip down mammary lane.
Did you hear about Evel Knievel's cousin Klu Klux Knievel? Tried to jump 47 niggers with a steamroller.
[SPOILER] Who is going to die in the new Star Wars? Some Stormtrooper
intelligent student Student would you punish me for some thing i did not do? Teacher no , of course not.Student good, because i did not do my homework.
What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork? "I D K"
Named my iPhone "Dat Ass"... So now iTunes tells me it's backing "Dat Ass" up
Want to hear a good construction joke? I'm working on it.
Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu". I am pretty sure about it.
"You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You're an amazing singer!" - Vodka
Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn't have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations
Don't iron your four leaf clovers You don't want to press your luck.
How is a NASA Shuttle similar to Sex with Your Mother? ... They both burn on re-entry.
Wanna know the best part about being in 10 year long marriages? Having sex with a different woman every year.
what do you call a fake spaghetti? an impasta
I invited an architect to my party last night He made the best entrance I've ever seen.
Dude, I can't tweet AND know when the light turns green. I'm pretty, not magical.
I heard a backwards symphony coming from Beethoven's grave Turns out he's decomposing
With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN'T go straight to Wendy's to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.
What game do you play if you don't take care of  your teeth? Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
What app do nervous ppl order on dates? Chicken Tinders.
I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
You know which singer really cut the mustard? Celine Dijon
What do women and Google have in common? [They never let you finish first.] (#s)
At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.
For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more weed. But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gag*
I hate when my bank account is like a musical composition by Bach Baroque.
What do you guys think of polar bears? I think they all white.
My co worker is so mad at me right now her eyes are bulging out like a pug. I don't know wether to call 911 or scratch her behind the ears.
When I was in jail I was asked by one of the rather large inmates, "you wana be the poppa or the momma?" I responded with "Poppa"..... "then get over here and suck mommas dick"
Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my brother says I can't be the God Mother.
I just saw someone eat 12 dozen custard donuts It looked like a gross meal
This year for Christmas, I asked for a new pair of scissors.... My old pair just wasn't cutting it!!!
How does a black women know if she's pregnant? All the cotton on her tampon has been picked off.
I'll pay you to dress like a Comcast employee and let me hit you with my car.
Why was Slave Leia covered in cum and picking hair out of her mouth? She's into Chewkaki.
What do you call someone who's been kicked out of a fraternity? Hasbro.
After 1am you can sit back and relax because the bad decisions pretty much make themselves.
I had an ex-girlfriend who was rather big, and she possessed an unusual talent; she was ambidextrose - she could polish off a box of chocolates with either hand.
I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Let's have all your football jokes, I'll start . . . "What's the most dangerous job in the NFL?" Sucking the air out of Tom Brady's balls.
[answers phone during job interview] What's the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can't find me.
A man walks into a bar ouch, that hurt!
Boss: How is the project coming along? Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad...icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
If you have no regrets you're either a liar or an asshole.
I think my friend might be gay... His dick tastes like shit.
A jewish man with a boner runs into a wall He broke his nose
Why do polish people all have ski at the end of their name? Because they can't spell toboggan.
Donald trump wins miley cyrus said she would leave the country. I'll vote for him if u throw in Justin bieber too. Good way to secure the presidency
Why was the middle aged computer sad? He had a floppy disc.
A bear and a bunny... Are shitting in the woods. The bear asks the bunny: "Do you find that shit sticks to your fur?" The bunny says, "No, why?" So the bear picks up the bunny and wipes his ass.
I often find myself crying during sex... Probably from the pepper spray...
If you didn't get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son's principal because he was inviting girls to his "naked party," you aren't me.
I've never really gotten along with my brother.... I wish he was more like my mom...in that I wish he died three years ago
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I wanted a painting that wouldn't get boring so I painted a mirror.
I cant stop eating ice cream... It's a rocky road to addiction.
What's is the outcome of a soccer game between Ethiopia and Jamaica? Half of the grass gets eaten and the other half gets smoked
Another Calculus Joke (Pun) Don't drink and derive!
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff because he couldn't be bothered with the Hassel
SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING  1. ENTHUSIASM  2. DISILUSIONMENT  3. PANIC  4. SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY  5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT  6. PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts.
News says there were a "record number of marijuana seizures" in 2015. Weird ... after all these decades I've never had a single seizure.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Asians are so bad at driving... I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
I buy all my guns from a guy that calls himself T-Rex... He's a small arms dealer.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My dad died of severe hemorrhaging, and my best friend was disabled by ischemia. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
Just saw a commercial for "affordable napkins" and now I feel stupid for buying all these diamond-encrusted ones.
What Do You Call A Galloping Musician? Ludvig Van BeetHOOFen.
Why did the fisherman want to go fishing in Alaska? Just for the halibut.
Two brothers wrote an exam. One got in, the other didn't. The one who didn't get in got in the second time. His TWIN chance was what got him in.
I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.
(meeting for naming cereal) "List the ingredients; maybe we'll get inspired." "Honey, bunches of oats" "I think we're done here."
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
The NSA can see our emails but can they see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[talking to my guide dog] this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again [from a nearby speaker] "FIFTEEN-LOVE"
"Do you think I could sell this couch on Craigsface?" --Grandma
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
The back-to-front comb over: Where mullets are laid to rest.
What is the hardeast part about eating vegetables? Their wheelchairs
What do you call Quicksilver when he's duct taping people's mouths? A running gag.
Why does Brendon Rodgers hate Twitter? It only allows 140 characters
WHATS UP!! WHATS UP!!! All the bulimic bitches in the house say "BLAAARRGGGH!!!"
To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
What do you call terrorists who have degrees in material science and electromagnetic theory? HysterISIS
There's an website you can use to see if your family is racist. It's called Facebook
All I wanna do is [gun shot noise] [cash register noise] [organ noise] [saxophone noise] [cow noise] [cat noise] Fix this broken synthesizer
Little Liz was walking through the forest... When a man came at her with a bread knife. Little Liz started laughing, she knew she wasn't a loaf of bread
Hey, companies. No one has their confirmation number. You're the company, you do the work.
I have the body of a 25 year-old Supermodel Not sure what to do with it in my basement
What would you call Hispanics if everyone in the world were completely equal? Equatinos
IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I
I might be overreacting, but being forced to scroll past other countries in a drop down menu makes me want to start a world war.
[Truth or Dare] Her: What's your biggest secret? Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of 'em
If a man thinks blondes have the best butts... ...and the verifies this by only watching blondes walk around, is he guilty of Confirmation By-Ass?
Homophobic means you're scared of your house.
Kim Jong-un has promised a new clear future for North Korea Oops, I spelled nuclear wrong.
You know when your cat looks at your kids like "thanks to you I've been out of food for 3 days and nobody's noticed" .....?
Just Admit it Your biggest lie was &amp; still is : "I have read and agrees\d to the terms of service."
My roommate is such a hypocrite when it comes to sharing. Apparently it's okay for him to finish my leftover pizza, but it's not okay for me to finish in his girlfriend.
I like my women like I like my fish. An irregular plural.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be "water we gonna do??" we will need the laughs
I never judge people by the color of their skin. That's fucking stupid. I judge them by their cell phones.
Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn't overly dependent on her. Lady: These are 4th graders- Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS
A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bar tender here?"
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money? Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don't they just steal the stuff? She's a criminal mastermind.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle? The road.
What can you hear but never see? Everything if you're Stevie Wonder
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal there is a dog. It is a shih tzu.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Don't get into an argument in an elevator it could escalate very quickly
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time to come back to the internet. We are your real family.
What appears over black man's head when he has an idea? A fried Chicken leg
Did you hear about player safety in the super bowl? Both teams suffered from blackouts
"Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho"
What do you call a melted penny? Liquid assets.
I said I don't want to talk to you, I didn't say ignore me.  WOMEN
honey, i think the milk's gone bad "i only bought it yesterday" yeah well, look at this.. *milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.
The best stories ever told always end with the words"...and then I got the hell out of there."
Why are jews afraid to eat pussy? because its too close to the gas chamber
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, "Why are you SO FAT?" Me, "You're inside my tummy." 6, "That's DISGUSTING." Me, "It gets worse.."
Take my advice I'm not using it.
[God creating spiders] What if I made a tiny land octopus that could walk on walls?
Once saw a bunch of Nazis saluting in icy precipitation. It was quite the heil storm.
My 4-year-old just asked if peanuts had peanut butter in them what kinda dumbass have I brought into this world.
How much do I trust reddit? I went on /r/starwars before seeing the new Star Wars.
Why did the midget get kicked out of the putt putt course? because he wanted to play minijerkoff.
me: *lights cig* do u smoke? girl: no, cigarettes killed my father me: oh, cancer..? her: no, an army of them, gunned him down me: wait what
Where do polar bears go to have emotional breakthroughs? The CathArctic.
Did you hear Nicky Minaj was admitted to hospital? She had a massive anus rhythm.
Lady at the door asked if I'd found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don't think she'll be back.
Marathon runner: I think we're lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way? Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My girlfriend has her very own Indian name.... Running Late.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro? Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
A magnet walks into a bar...., what does he order? Nothing... he's still stuck to the entrance.
What's a pirates favorite letter? Aargh you think it would be but it's the sea
What's Forrest gumps password? 1forrest1
Why couldn't the dolphin choose a career? She had no sense of porpoise.
How many US cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they arrest the room because it's black.
I'm not saying my wife is fat... but I struggle to lift her photograph
*wakes up in hospital* What happened? "It was a heart attack" Will I be ok? *a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat* "No"
An Englishman walks into a bar. In these stories there is usually an Irishman, Welshman and a Scotsman, but they are still at the rugby.
Did you hear about the man who murdered a dolphin? He was said to have done it on porpoise.
My father said his Computer crashed... I asked him, what he did. "I googled 'Malaysian Airlines'", he replied.
You don't have to write 'Twitter addict' in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Elephants and a Guy Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!
Knock Knock Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
Did you guys hear about the man with the wooden leg named Smith? I don't think he named is other leg...
Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!
Gold walks into a bar Copper says, "Au! Get outta here!"
What is the most masculine profession? Maleman
Kanye West Running For President 2020
What do you get when you mix a pickle and a deer? A dilldoe
Earthquake just hit California... Too many liberals are literally shaking.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a bald eagle A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently
What is faster hot or cold? Hot because you can actually "catch a cold".
How do you know if your friend has an iPhone? They tell you.
Did you hear the Energizer bunny got arrested? He was charged with battery.
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick? Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Badger ! Badger who ? Badger cookies !
I once wrestled an anaconda for 3 days... Then realized I was masturbating.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: I got the dirt off. Wife: What does that mean? Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I love Halloween. Its the only time I can wear my KKK outfit and get away with it.
Innocent little girl !! "Would you make a frog noise for me?" The grandad, confused asks, "why?" The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank  they turn off the surveillence cameras
There once was a woman named Hill (ary) There once was a woman named Hill whose cunt was of case-hardened steel. She would get a great thrill from an emery wheel, or an off-center pneumatic drill.
A Czech goes for an eye check up The optician shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY Doctor: Can you read this? Czech: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
What did Helen Keller say when she jumped off a cliff? Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
What did the policeman say when he pulled over a nissan? Nissan Haltima Bonus: What do you call it when a kia pulls up to a red light? Kia stoptima
Why did the feminist cross the road? To move the goal post for their argument
1st thing I do when I take a girl back to my bedroom is act like a stewardess & instruct her where exits are, oxygen masks, & life jackets.
Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget...
Girl: I can't wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it's like to be a parent. It'll be easy. Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I'm less and less related to some of my relatives.
What do liberals and homeless people have in common? They are always asking for change.
If a threesome is with three people, and a twosome is with two people.... does that mean im handsome?
What did one amorous flea say to the other? I love you aw-flea.
Made out with a milf in the theatre last weekend... Although the movie was pretty well ruined with little Timmy talking through the whole thing.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
One thing you should always look for in a woman. A pulse.
What has 60 feet and 5 teeth? The front row of a Trump rally.
What do you call a crazy Mexican dog? Perronoid
So I got these shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced it with but I have been tripping all day. s/o to my professor for telling this joke to me today and giving me a good laugh.
My cat died. But I know he'll forever live on in passwords.
I hadn't seen my girlfriend for a while... When she saw me, she said, "Wow, your hands are so soft!" "But... where have you been working out?"
Why do gay guys like rotisserie chicken? They like the way the meat spins
I plan to swim all the way to Paris my friends think I'm In-Seine.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I'm trying get a job as a geometry teacher... Because I want to make at least 6 figures.
Why is Santa's ball sack so big? He only comes once a year.
People are like snowflakes: I can't talk to them.
Why was the high schooler in the gun store? There was a back to school sale.
Father O'Flannagan and the Taxi Driver
Your mama is so ugly that when she met Bill Cosby he made her espresso.
Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking intense.
If we have 75 mutual friends on Facebook and we aren't friends, the likelihood that I fucking hate you is 100%. #dontrequestme
I won the prize for laziest person a live... I got a-trophy
Sometimes I'll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell "THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!" until I'm kicked out
I put more effort into making it look like I'm doing my job than I do doing my actual job.
oh the aliens aren't speaking to us right now because idk they're pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
My love is like a candle... If you forget about me, I'll burn your fucking house down.
Q: What did the hat say to the necktie? A: You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!
What do you call a nun who's gone to Heaven? Nun of the above.
[Jesus at the bar] "Oh, I'll just have a water" *winks at camera*
Do you know why the white moves first in Chess? Because if the black moves first, the police will shoot them
What do you call it when a hobbit lives in the ghetto? Worcestershire
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone's calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Did you hear about the time traveler who finished his plate? He went back four seconds.
Why is PTSD like riding a bike? You never forget
Say what you will about old people but I respect that they never talked about their feelings
What is at the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck.
I know someone who puts raisins in meatballs so don't even try to talk to me about psychos
Why did the pirate with the eye patch drown? Because he had no depth perception.
What do you do if your video card driver keeps crashing? Take away it's drivers license.
What do you call someone who is great at casting?? A Mastercaster hahahahahah
Everything my boy friend ever said to me was a lie. Every. Fcuking. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that  was true.
LPT: Don't stand out too much from the group. Or you'll be a joke.
My friends and I are camping out tonight. It's gonna be in tents.
Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to  change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
What's a Native's 2 favourite colours? Blue and Blue Light.
How do you stop Caitlyn Jenner from jumping on your bed Staple his ballbag to the ceiling. LOL
you know the joke of the pearldiver? blub blub gone he is
What do you call someone who impersonates a lousy mom? Bad mother faker.
My friend went camping in the Serengeti with all sorts of lions roaming around It was in tents
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital... ...just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
[Hospital] Doctor:"...and so the baby is fine." Me:"And my wife?" Doc:"I'm afraid she's critical" Me:"I know! But how is she?"
Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry? On a clothes lion.
After watching the 6th sense I have been searching all over for the previous five movies with no luck
How many Avatar characters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It will change when the fire nation attacks
I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave... I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.
Dont't drink and drive, it's very... whisky!
How did the barber win the race? He knew a **short cut!** ^I'm ^sorry
How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know. (Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)
What is a man's most sensitive organ while masturbating? His ears
How do you tell apart a Chinese from a Japanese? With a Geiger Counter.
Do you know why Adele crossed the steet? To say hello from the other side :P
If WWII had happened in 2015, and Hitler hadn't killed himself: Interviewer: So, Mr. Hitler, what were your reasons for having killed 12 million people? Hitler: It's just a prank, bro!
Where do hipsters get their water? From a well, actually.
What does a haunted hamburger say? MooooOOOoooOoo
We all know what this means  It's just 4 trumpets! Or ITS JOHN CENA  Sorry.
I have a dream, that all men are created equal. Just a bunch of regular men. Like, no "super" men for instance - Martin Lex Luthor King
How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb? One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.
BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK! Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!
So I want to start a business of manufacturing ATM machines... .... I hope it pays off
How did the triangle congratulate the other triangle after hooking up with pentagon? 3edgy5me
What is long and hard and has cum inside of it? A Cucumber
Have you heard the joke about the pencil? It's not really worth it, it doesn't have a point.
I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3. Because I wasn't wearing a condom.
What do you call a kid with no arms and legs and severe Down syndrome? Names
I just found a new Batman shampoo... I was so disappointed when I found out they don't make conditioner Gordon.
What does Garfield like in his bed? Pussy
According to the manual, I can have an extra ten Weight Watchers Points if I start breast feeding.
Did you hear about the soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas? he's now a seasoned veteran
How do you starve a black person? Hide their welfare check under their work boots.
Teach a Nigerian to fish... He'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people.
"Oh shit I murdered someone" "You should turn yourself into the police" "Great idea!" *puts on badge and hat* "Looks like a suicide to me"
What do an engagement ring and a child molester have in common? They both come in a little box.
8/10 black men say they enjoy shower sex. The other two haven't been to prison
[job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
"Fiona, You up?" -Shrext.
What did the jihadist do when he forgot to study? He bombed the exam.
My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR
What's the difference in a voyeur and a thief? A thief snatches your watch...
"Pilot season" in Hollywood is when TV networks pay writers millions of dollars to think of ways people could move in together.
Are you lactose intolerant? If so, you won't be able to handle this cheesy joke
If you get divorced in West Virginia... Are you still considered brother and sister?
What's black and white and can't turn around in an elevator? A nun with a spear through her head.
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
I've learned there are two types of people in this world: People I trust to help me bury bodies... ...and bodies
What is atheism? A non-prophet religion Edit: Replace the word "religion" with "set of beliefs" if you're picky about that sort of thing
So a child molester and a priest walk into a bar.. And he's the only one there.
Kids these days have it real easy. There weren't as many paedophiles in my day. I had to buy my own candy.
I went camping with my family for the first time. It was in tents.
What type of wrists are the scariest? Terror wrists.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. W: god I hate you. M: yes, use your hate
What's gray and all around? Everything. I'm a dog.
I went to see a gay magician's show last night. For his last trick, he disappeared with a poof...
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common? No *ball*room
I would never bungee jump... I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I'm not going out cause of one.
I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13.
Where are you going? "Ice fishing" You know you can just buy ice at the store right? "No I mean th..." Or just freeze some water even...
Doctor: what seems to be the problem? Me: I need to be docted Doctor: you came to the right place. I'm a doctor. I doct people
Caught my ping smoking weed while playing online Now it became high
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
My girlfriend finally watched Back To The Future. It's about time.
So the batteries in my flashlight ran out... You'd think I'd be sad, but really I was delighted.
Everybody just wants to get off... ....This elevator because that guy stinks
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: 'Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces...'
A woman in my hometown says that 50 Cent is 100% her son's father. Although, it's closer to 50 percent per Cent.
I take my wife everywhere... And she still finds her way home
A gay deer walks out of a bar And says, "man, I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!!"
Welcome to the Psych Med Club! We were working on a secret handshake, until we lost interest in the things we once loved.
How can you tell if a chemistry joke is shitty? If there isn't a reaction.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
I walked into a public restroom today that had a "Changing Table" sign on the door. I found a pair of scissors and a strap-on dildo...
"What else can we think about?"- Insomnia
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon? [WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that's rad as hell
Marines Lock a Marine in a room with 4 bowling balls. He'll lose one, break one, and one will be on fire. The other one is pregnant.
What's Forest Gumps password? 1Forest1
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I like to think of myself as a humble man. Actually, I just like to think of myself.
TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
A voter from the 2000 election recognized me. He came up to me and said "Hey, Chad, how's it hanging?"
100% of people who eat in the dining area of the grocery store are murderers.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Without nipples... Boobs would be pointless.
Why do I love putting down kids without parents? Cause endorphins make me feel good.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.
Did you hear about the pornstar that could cum in one second? His name was Juan Mississippi.
I'm so good at cutting things into little pieces and showing them who's boss I **decimate** tests.
Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
What does a gay horse eat? Hhhhaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Sepp Blatter being re-ellected
Santorum pulls out after repeatedly coming in number two
I painted my laptop black so it would run faster... ...but now it doesn't work.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
How do you escape from a Jewish Cop? You take the toll road.
Just watched Die Hard 2. People in 1990 sure knew how to shrug off a plane crash.
9/10 people believe that... Out of every 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9. -Colin Mochrie
The guy who invented the crossword is buried in my town's cemetery... His grave is the 7th one down and the 3rd one across.
I think I'm more shocked that Rodney King had a swimming pool than that he is dead
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are under $2.00 while deer nuts are under a buck
Vegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.
So my friend held up a can of coke... And asked, "How do people snort this stuff?"
How loud is John Cena? #xDb
Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot? Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying... Cop: Oh. Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better.
Why can't Stevie Wonder read? (offensive) Because he's black.
Dear Algebra.. Stop asking us to find your X She's gone bro.
I don't think gymnasts know how clearly we can see their genitals
I had to roll the passenger window up by hand in my friend's antique 320i like a goddamned Neanderthal, so I totally understand poverty.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Cool belt fuckface
What do you call a smart blonde? A labrador
I just thought of a gay pick up line... "Would you be the Puff Daddy to my Biggie Smalls?"
I'd love to be a mayfly. But only for a day.
What did Ferris Bueller do after he graduated high school? He went to Europe to study a-Broderick
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it's also terrible.
If I built a crime fighting robot I'd make his penis the gun. He'd also be programmed to say "no homo" before shooting a guy in the face.
What happened when Rick fell down a hill? Rick rolled.
For "fuck sake" or "for fuck's sake?" I need this email to sound professional.
Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie lawyer who just finished rehab? He's already started suing again.
France FINALLY won a war! Too bad it was against Lance Armstrong.
How will Donald Trump decide which ones to deport from millions illegal immigrants? By conducting a **Juan on Juan** meeting with every Juan of them.
If you know there's going to be a nuclear attack, surround yourself with a bunch of microwave popcorn. Awesome last image.
Yall wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.
how did the gamete get rich? because sex cells... Thank you thank you i'll be here all week.
I was never great with girls but I have standards... I don't date ugly girls... I make them fucking ugly...
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
You know how Hitler picked up hot Jewish girls? With a broom and dust pan.
The owner of the Regal movie theatre chain has died. Services will be held Tuesday at 1:00, 4:15, 7:30 & 10:30.
What do you call a black guy whose hitch-hiking? Stranded!
What do monks, rabbis, and Mormon priests have in common with brains? The all tend to be found enclosed within temples.
What is Chris Brown's favorite hobby? [OC] Beats me.
The Michelin Man is the most racist mascot in corporate history, because TIRES ARE BLACK.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games. In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Why are friendzone'd guys always sick? They suffer from m'ladies
What kind of meat does The Pope eat? Nun
A watermelon walks up to a sprinkler And says to the sprinkler, "Water me lon!" Original joke from a friend of mine!
You ever get laid in a sleeping bag? It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat, and your scout master is covering your mouth.
Why did the Mexican man throw his wife out the window? *Tequila*
Why are all Satanists trypophobic? They're grossed out by Holy things.
Islam is a religion of piece. A piece of you here, there, everywhere.
Yesterday I came out of the closet. Then realized I should probably stop masturbating in my closet.
Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.
The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy. I need to quit making rash decisions.
WIFE: Kate's new baby is 7lbs 11oz ME: WIFE: Roughly 12 a stone ME: WIFE: 312 kilos ME: WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer ME: Oh cool
How sure are we that one of Nicki Minaj's parents isn't just a stick of cotton candy?
This is the pig I've been fucking said the husband. The wife looks at the animal in the husband's arms and says that's a duck I was talking to the duck the husband said.
BLOND DOG Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head? A: He's been chasing parked cars.
What did the pirate say when he saw a woman giving head? There she blows!!!
I'm about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
What do you call a rock group of 4 men who don't sing or play music? Mount Rushmore. ^^Or ^^Nickelback. ^^I'm ^^so ^^sorry.
Why couldn't the effective vitamin supplement achieve true happiness? He was too super fish oil.
late night science fact: if u laid out your veins from end to end u would die
What is the difference between a cock and a penis? A cock is an animal. Penis is a male sexual organ.
Did you hear about the vertically challenged psychic that robbed a bank? Police say they're looking for a small medium at large.
A man bets his friend he can mildly irritate everyone by saying and doing nothing.
Bird pokemon must live in mexico because today a local pointed at me and said pinche joto. (The j has an h sound dummy)
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"
What did the astronaut see on his skillet? Unidentified frying (flying) objects.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? BANANAAAAA
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? One, you racist!
Why did the dolphin commit suicide? Because his life had no porpoise
You put the punch line in the title How do you ruin a good joke on Reddit?
If I were a waitress, I'd be planting fake engagement rings in every girl's food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Ever since childhood I've identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.
Wha do you call when a whale gets circumcised? A huge disappointment. Edit: give me a T!
How are redditors and nazis similar? They both love gold trains.
Why don't women run fast?? cause they hate getting fat!! edit: It's physics. The faster an object moves, the heavier it gets.
What do you call a Frenchman shoving a baguette up your butt? A pain in the ass.
I've invented a solar-powered still! It turns sunshine into moonshine. Credit: Quirk.
Why didnt the illiterate man like my post on r/Jokes? He's never Reddit.
In high school, I presented a project on communism I thought I would get terrible marx for stalin but the teacher was pretty leninent.
Why can't midgets be accountants? Because they always come up short.
What is the river of negation called? The Nile
*gazes at laptop screen*avoids making eye contact with own reflection*
"I was going to watch a German football team play today, but I couldn't leave the house because I don't know where I left the key." "Bayern?" "No, I checked the mantelpiece."
A drum set falls out of a tree. Ba-dum-tis
I decided to show off my six pack on Tinder. Budweiser is not getting me any dates.
Why do people like Trump over Obama? Because Orange is the new Black
What did Michael J. Fox's dad say when Michael J. Fox tried to parallel park? "Watch the Parking son."
What did Bill say to Hillary after sex? "I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Two television sets got married. The wedding was boring, but the reception was beautiful.
What do you call it when you get stuck into a shotgun wedding with a Czech? Checkmate!
I am really good at making jokes. Title.
How does a group of dolphin's make a decision? Flipper coin!
There are rumours big Canadian banks Scotia and TD may merge... giving Canada one giant STD
What do you call a group of armpit farters? A pit orchestra. Bonus: [World Record for Armpit Farts in 15s](https://recordsetter.com/world-record/most-armpit-farts-15-seconds/9602)
my Doctor told me i have to stop masturbating... ...because he cant concentrate i heard this a few years ago its probably been posted before but its pretty funny so enjoy :)
What do you get 18 years after fucking your sister? A vote for Trump.
What's the difference between a week-old human and a weak, old human? About eighty years
Jesus walks in to a motel puts a couple of nails on the counter and ask the clerk "can you put me up for a night?"
What is the fakest part of Skyrim? The fact that red guards can swim.
Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife
Ever since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse, I will need to let her back in.
My pick-up line used to be "Hey babe, I'm a hotspot. Wanna log-on"? doesn't work anymore, now they just yell at me "fuck off you homeless begger".
Q: Did you hear about the Swedish guy who found God after rehab? A: He was a bjorn-again Christian.
[first day as tour guide on the moon] Me: keep your hats on Guy at the back: um they're called helmets Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign. But he got off with a warning.
With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ... ... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.
Silence is golden... But duct tape is silver.
What did the rich socialite's parrot say? Polly want a cracker with cavier please!
A better name for 'Abercrombie and Fitch' would be 'Abercrombie and White Trash Pre-Abortion Smelly Whore Store'
Why did Microsoft skip to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9.
Why do Baptists have so many children? They only use holy condoms.
Witty title to catch your attention Hilarious original joke that will have you laughing for days
They say it takes a whole village to raise a child That must be a really fat kid
Muslim feminist was explaining how women and men are equal in Islam "You see, women have to cover their hair and their entire bodies. "And to be equal, men have to.. uh.. wear shorts" *applause*
If you haven't woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Editing a supercut of characters saying "Don't go there!" in movies because I can't figure out a way to contribute less to my fellow man.
"I'm frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat" is what I said. "You're also gonna be helping me move my piano" is what I meant.
Today feminists asked me how I view lesbians Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about changing the lightbulb. I'll just sit here in the dark.
I don't want your candy, what I really want is your number.
[cashier training, day 1] "Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that."
Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
A blind man walks into a bar I'll have a glass of wine, he says. Red or white, the bartender asks. It doesn't matter, he answers, I'm blind.
Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
"Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Got a job at McDonald's as a secret agent for the Burger King.
A Chicago priest is offering a $5,000 reward to help stop gun violence. Meanwhile, people with guns just found out about a priest who has $5,000.
Why are the Mexicans building a wall? To keep Donald trump out of mexico
Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first? A black guy
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.
I love being complimented on my parking skills! Someone even left a note on my windshield saying "parking fine".
A homeless guy asked me "would you give me $5 for a sandwich?" I said "I don't know man, show me the sandwich first."
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer. It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
Who do grammar nazis hang out with now? The alt-write.
Soon-Yi Previn. Not the first Asian chick to have a secret woody...
A racist joke Donald Trump
A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid. So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 19.99.
Shout out... ...to the people who don't know what the opposite of in is.
My boyfriend and I checked out a new coffee shop in town... I asked him how his coffee was. "It's like making love in a canoe." "That good?" I asked "No. It's fucking close to water."
Scroll Scroll Scroll your phone, gently down the screen. Merilly Merrily Merrily Merrily MY GOD THAT'S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The CEO of Comcast dies and goes to heaven...
What is Tom Brady's favorite opera? Deflatermaus! (Die Fledermaus!)
My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.
What do you get from an invisible cow?  Evaporated milk!
Why do so few people become botanists? Because of the stigma.
How does a black woman stop crime? She gets an abortion.
What's a ghost's favorite sexual fetish? Boo-kake
The other day me and my transgender mate Dave saw a bundle of mosquitoes eating several trout..... Dave asked - "How did they get them ?" I said - " fly fishing" and yes he is transgender.
Why did Hitler have so much energy? He was on a cleanse.
How do frat boys cut down trees? With a sah, dude
I'm going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My uncle the rabbi only tips 10% And a I mean always! He does that shit religiously!
What do terrorist Weight Watchers use? Weapons of mass-reduction.
Time to diet. Went to the neighborhood pool today and all the women dressed me with their eyes...
Hey Dad, The airport called, if you don't turn down your TV, they're filing a complaint.
A supervisor at a Tickle-Me-Elmo factory... ...instructed an employee to give the dolls 'test tickles'. The dolls were recalled for being anatomically correct.
"God is dead." -Nietzsche "God is Dad!" -Jesus "God IS, dude..." -Stoners
Be serious with unknown girls. Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *walks away*
How do we know Jesus was a man? We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.
Give a man a jacket He will be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket, he will never leave the house.
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaay
The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.
Is your refrigerator running? ...must've been made in France
What do you call a German physician who specializes in the epidermis of the scalp? Herr Doctor.
I heard going on the internet gives you dementia. Who are you?
It was Beethoven's 245th birthday yesterday. Of course, that's only 35 in human years 
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Two guys playing poker. One guy not doing anything. Why? He was cardboard.
What did the cannibal coach yell when his player twisted his ankle? Wok it off! Wok it off!
I hear the Star Wars universe is so advanced, you can get Chinese food directly over the internet... They use an e-wok.
How many dragon ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1, but it takes 6 episodes.
What do you call a drunken Muslim? Mohammered
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was "give them their own school."
A joke from my dad: Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where the naughty girls live.
I wouldn't say I'm emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.
I've developed an app for dating children nearby. It's called Kinder.
ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL -Dr. Dolittle
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired
My grandpa was always disappointed in me.... When I was five my grandpa was always disappointed in me. He would tell me "when I was your age I was six."
I am against Picketing But I don't know how to show it
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back* "Looks good!" I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Why didn't the LoL champ care when she crashed her car? Because it was Elise
What's the difference between a Trump rally and a Klan rally? Several thousand yards of white fabric.
What works in a circus walks a tightrope and has claws ? An acrocat !
Why couldn't the hipster get off? He'd only masturbate before it was hard!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? (NSFW) He forgot to wrap his Whopper!!
What do you call a female peacock...? A peacunt
I went to look at tents today. But I didn't buy one. There was nothing before them, there was no pre-tents.
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college? Coagulations!
Confucius say Woman with big balloons has high rise accommodation.
Drunk me used to set a "Mystery Alarm" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
Why does vegan cheese taste bad? It hasn't been tested on mice.
Multiple Choice Question Which of the following is a dangerous disease? A)Bola B)Bola C)Bola D)Bola E)Bola
Really? EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me: If we weren't related, I'd totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren't related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Haters gonna hate. Tweeters gonna tweet. It's actually pretty obvious that verbs are performed by their respective nouns.
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my  questions? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
[leaving HS reunion w/ date] Aren't you going to ask why everybody was calling me 'smelly boy' tonight? "Seemed pretty clear I thought"
Your mom reminds of bricks She's constantly getting laid by Mexicans.
General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha
Somebody asked if I wanted some salt. I was like "Naaaaa"
What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Do you know what would happen if you'd freeze someone to -273.15 degrees Clesius? That person would be 0K Edit: Just noticed that I flopped the title. :(
What do you call a black astronaut? An astronaut. racist jerk
A vampire could've photobombed every picture you've ever been in and you will never know
[one month later] Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?
Why are A's like flowers? Because B's go after them!
Woman: Officer you must help. I've just  lost my wig. Police officer: Certainly ma'am we'll comb the area.
This is where I draw the line! ________________________________________________________
"Miley Cyrus: 'Society Wants to Shut Me Down'". Not down, Miley. Up.
Jesus Sure jesus fed 2000 people with fish, but hitler made 6million jews toast.
What's the difference between Light and Hard? You can sleep with a light on
Q: Where do cats write down notes? - A: Scratch  Paper!
Why did the customer slap the cashier? Because he was checking her out.
When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming at the oncoming truck like the rest of us in his car.
"What's the difference between sin and shame?" "It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out."
Texts that piss me off: 1. Yeah 2. Oh 3. Yup 4. Lol 5. Haha 6. K 7. Nope 8. Chillin 9. Naw
What does Sodium and Batman have in common? NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa BATMAN i'll just see myself out....
Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.
Which book has the worst cliffhanger? Anne Frank's Diary
What do Child predators use to get dry skin off of their feet? A Pedofile
My girlfriend told me to humble down shes just jealous of the fact that I'm the most humble man on earth
When a guy pulls his penis out, he can tell what his partner thinks about his size... ...based on their sighs.
A girl said she met me at the vegetarian meetup... I don't think I've met herbivore.
HULK:*smashes a tank* IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind* HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree? You talk to him!
You call it laziness', I call it laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.
The Black Third Grader Goes To His Mom. He asks his mom, "Mom, I have the biggest Dick in the third grade! Is that because I am black?" She replies, "Nah Nigga, its because your 19!"
As a kid I could never understand why my mother would not let me play near the train tracks across the street from my house. Then it hit me.
The difference between Sean Connery and a Silica Tetrahedron One's an ionic bond, the other's an iconic Bond.
Giving a bear my power of attorney.
How many non-delivering OPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The problem with Australia is that it's full of scary reptiles... Tony Abbot for example.
What's the difference between a bitch and a slut? A slut fucks everybody, a bitch fucks everyone but you.
[first date] -so how do you feel about octopus? Her: I like em -Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
What type of dog leaves a mark? shar pei
A Facebook friend just used the same number of exclamation points to say he's eating guacamole as he did to announce the birth of his kid.
I got uninvited from a friend's wedding Perhaps RSVPing "Maybe Next Time" wasn't the appropriate response.
Do you know why sharks don't eat clowns? They taste funny.
Ugly women are like men they both have to work for a living.
Guess what? Chicken Butt
There's really no sense in being pessimistic... It's not going to work, anyway.
"I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but..." People who are found buried in the woods
The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an f. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.
Why cant a woman be the goalie for hockey? 3 periods 2 pads.
what do you call a gay dinosore a gay dinosore
After watching superman vs batman trailer, my expectation during exam time. Professor : Tell me...do you read ? Me : No Professor : You will
What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto
Just saw an Italian guy from New Jersey in an Ed Hardy hat reading a book! Ha, just kidding. He was raping.
What is Baltimore's favourite instrument The lute
"The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore - The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th..."
I am married to 4 different women And it's bigamy to admit it.
On his 22nd birthday, my brother came out as a transvestite to our family and celebrated by wearing a miniskirt... ...that shows a lot of balls.
How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone? Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class? Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
"Hey, we're best friends! This is the most fun ever! Lets take some pictures!" - drunk people
Last minute gift idea: Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I hear it's snowing steadily in Istanbul... In fact, in Istanbul they can't stop the snowplow
I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra. Calling it "Die Hard".
Fox News' slogan is "Fair and Balanced". That's it. That's the joke.
Customer: I'd like to try on that bathing suit in your front window. Saleswoman: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to use the dressing room.
What size lumber is used to build homes in Dubai? Dubai fours
"I V E M U R D E R E D S E V E N P E O P L E" would be a fun eye chart for a doctor to have
Marriage is like a seesaw. It's not fun if one of them is fat.
What's the difference between a chick and a woman? The chick says "cock-a-doodle-do", and the woman says " any-cock-will-do"
Swear words Faggot shit fuck dick nigger slut ass pussy cunt damn whitey
What's the cheapest meat available? Deer testicles, it's under a buck.
I always keep a windchime next to the bed so I can brush my fingers across it as my lover climaxes
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Riley can be a little girl's name, it's not always a dog's name. If someone says Riley's been sick don't bring up euthanasia right away.
When you're trying to watch something and your whole family decides to have a competition to see who can be the loudest.
Yo're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
My dad is a mortician I hear people are dying to get into that field
My cattle ate my entire pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
What's the difference between a burger and a burglar? Cooking times.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
When I asked for my wife's hand in marriage, I didn't realize how often I'd just get the finger.
It smells like updog in this sub.
Why do programmers celebrate Christmas on Halloween? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25
Why was Karl Marx against Chinese mutes? Because he hated the Bu shuo!
What's the worst part about being a black Jew You have to sit at the back of the gas chamber
MIGRATING BIRDS Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: It's too far to walk.
Sometimes when I'm drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I'm the host from Unsolved Mysteries
9 just scolded me at the grocery for buying wine. I told him it was ok, I was 21 to which he loudly responded, Nooo, you're 38. Thanks son.
What do cows call Frank Sinatra? Old Moo Eyes!
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes
Did you hear about the guy who had avocados for eyes? He developed guacoma
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt...don't worry, I'm just chasing my dream.
If "kiss me" doesn't work, "I'm Irish" isn't gonna get you any closer.
How many tickles does it take to make a octopus laugh? TEN Tickles LuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuL
All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I'm in HR's office. Thanks a lot, Megan!
Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he's swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
A maybe original one-liner "I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.
(Computer science) I asked a Texan if he's seen his family tree, he said, "you mean family graph?"
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Why didn't the peanut butter... Fuck the jelly? Because he was already in a jam
What did the little boy with no arms and legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
My wife said I suffer from premature ejaculation.. I told her that I don't suffer
What does Rick and the Llama have in common? Caaaaarl!!
Knock Knock Who's there? Ye Old Lady. Ye Old Lady Who? Never knew you could yodle.
What'd the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved.... I'll show my self out
a haunted house but it's just people paying bills and waiting in line at the DMV
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her!
You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won't know what you are doing because he's a carrot
What do you call a condensed version of the history of ISIS? CaliphNotes!
If r/jokes was a person, what organ would he be having problems with? De-liver
I used to steal other people's jokes. I still do, but I used to, too
What do you call a karate expert with a father who has diarrhoea? A chop happy chappy with a crap happy pappy.
Why do women need to wear jockstraps while skydiving? To prevent them from whistling.
Organic chemistry is difficult Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
4 out of 5 dentists agree my cousin Sheila is remarkably ugly.
What's the difference between fog and mist? If you hit it its fog, if you don't it's mist.
What does it take for a Beatles reunion? Two Bullets.
I'm a schizophrenic And so am I
Why would a dead girl lie? Because she can't stand up.
A blind man walks into a bar and a table, and some chairs, and stumbles out.
It took me just 30 minutes to get the Christmas tree up yesterday... It took surgeons 4 hours to get it back out again.
When does a gas become a liquid? When it stains your underwear.
On CNN I just saw a headline that said "Reddit Revolts" My first thought was, "Mr. CNN reporter. You don't know the internet very well do you. Reddit is revolting every day"
What couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was to far outtttttttttt........ Ha weeeeeeed.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he's losing at Risk.
What's green, red and smells like shit? Green and Red shit
Last night at an Indian diner the server walks up to me and asks "Curry Ok Sir?" I said "Alright, just one song and then you can fuck off".
I've done a few things I've been ashamed of, but at least I never played FarmVille.
My ex was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on her.
Depression starts in a part of the brain called the Hippocampus Which is strange because I always thought hippos loved studying.
I'm about to have sex with my second cousin. Hopefully she's as good as the first one.
My wife claims to be very good at yoga... but I think she's just a poser.
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear... So I leaned forward and said: "dishes, bathroom and laundry."
Two women were talking, one says to the other " can you believe it, the other day Some one said I was ugly." "Don't worry I've been told worse" "Oh yeah? Like what?" " that you"re also a slut"
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers... Two time travellers walk into a bar
What do you call someone with a successful life? Certainly not me.
Sorry I yelled 'killin' it' when your mom was eating that banana
I have a fifth sense when it comes to smells.
I accidentally said something that lead a girlfriend to believe I'm a lesbian... Must have been a slip of the tongue
I'm circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, "BRAKES!".
Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever.... But only a fifth May deal in absolutes..
How many Chinese men does it take to make a Smartphone? I dunno, ask the Kids.
Always put sunglasses on your tree. Then, you'll get the proper shade.
What gets less rain than the Sahara Desert? The sun!
[COPS] *into radio* We've got a drunk man in the park who thinks he's a lion tamer. "SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!"
What do you call poultry that glows in the dark? Chicken Kiev
There's two things I don't fuck with... Rattlesnakes. And Condoms.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, you racist.
Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.
Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I'll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
What kind of tree smells like bacon? (Original?) A Porcupine!
Why do hunters make the best lovers?  Because they go deep in the bush shoot more than once and they eat  what they shoot.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!
The phone rings, and Dad asks: What does the caller ID say? Mom: It's a private caller. Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
Girl: How long is your dick? Me: I'm not sure I only have 1 ruler
What did the 2 tampons say to each other? Nothing because they were both stuck up cunts.
A son whale asks his father "Dad, where did I come from?" "You come from your mother, son." "Thanks, dad." "You're whalecum."
So I had to put German food in a container one time... It was a real wurst case scenario
[explaining twitter to my mom] Everyone is mad about something all the time and I'm a cartoon
I spotted a machine in a store that read "It'll do to you what you do to eggs!" and I'm still trying to figure out what that means. Beats me.
Alcohol is not the answer But it is a solution
*stranded on island* *puts message in bottle and throws it into sea* *years later gets message back* what's updog? *fist pump*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
When do you stop on green and go on red? When you are eating watermelon .
"I love Justin Bieber" well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I always thought 007 had split personality disorder... When he's spying: James Bond. When he's chasing tail: James Boned.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE "What do you want?" YOU'RE UNDER ARRES- "No." ..NO?? "No, I don't want to be." *whispers* Shit now what
where does noah keep his bees? in the ark hives.
If a hungry shark is after you what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!
I know a few people who are the human version of an email missing the attachment.
I hate jokes that don't make sense... ...and boy are my arms tired!
I used to dislike the idea of having a beard ... but it slowly grew on me.
You texted "SORRY" followed by six "!"s, and seven was the minimum I was looking for so... apology not accepted
Child on fire Would a crazy kid whose state-paid temporary parents set him on fire be a bananas Foster child?
Those who dont discriminate sexually are called bisexuals
*shakes self after staring at ceiling* Sorry honey, I was just thinking about Mitt Romney
What do old people smell like? Depends...
What happened to the gay dude whose lover kicked him out his house? He is Homoless
Did you here about the Blonde who made a large donation to the community swimming pool? She gave 25 Gallons of water!
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left? (Really?) Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times Schrodinger: Nice, nice
Where did the sick boat go to get a checkup? The Dock!
Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long.
Why did the prevert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chickens ass
As if " cray cray" wasn't irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that's just stu stu
Why was Avogadro executed? He was a mole
Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn't panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them "people are about to die". Then Hung up.
What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball? Nothing, she just made gagging noises
Why is Kfc always out of toilet paper? Because it is Finger Lickin' Good.
What's the dating scene like at MIT? Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.
What's the difference between a regular product and a fancy one? The regular one says "Made in China". The fancy one says "Designed in the USA. Made in China."
What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican? E.T. learned English and went home.
My class requires 3 1/2 in. floppy diskettes, they're only $1 each, but the time machine to go back to 1997 is extremely expensive.
If you can't do it naked, it's not worth doing.
Hey, college students: It gets debtor.
What do you get when you cross menstruation and apples? The MaxiPad
What do you call the rough parts of Paris? La Ba-ghetto
Birthdays are good for us... Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
What has 8 legs and wears a kilt? A Scottish pedophile.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't "budge-it".
he's my french step dad... i call him my faux pa.
A stampede of homeless people was heading to the local shelter. One might say they were bum rushed.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's too bad u can't safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Thanks autocorrect...clearly "I am fantasy" is a better answer than "fantastic" when asked how I'm doing...
What does a dentist do in his free time? Shoot lions.
*logs on Facebook IT'S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! *logs off WAIT COME BACK! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX'S ENGAGEMENT!
I want to be seen Especially before you slam that door into my face!
Why do most movie sequels stink? Because movie makers are basically doing a number 2.
What do you call a white girl that runs faster than her brothers? A redneck virgin
I heard this really funny joke about procastination I'll post it later
A brand new cemetery for the greats now will let anyone be buried there Lots of people are dying to get in!
Boss: You're late! You shoulda been here two hours ago! Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?
What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards.
What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!
Got stoned and decided to buy a bottle of ex-lax Just for shits and giggles.
What's the hardest part of the vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it's not what it looks like!
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman? He parks his car, man.
My wife's online shopping downstairs so I'm upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
I forgot my brother's birthday last month. What did he say? Rick: Nothing yet.
What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg...
[at library] ME: Yes, I'd like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe. LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor ME: Get it? L: This is dialog, I'm not reading it
What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker? Ones a snack cracker and the others a crack snacker.
Everything is always funnier once you are not allowed to laugh.
When my friends told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo... I had to put my foot down.
Man opens a fridge and sees a rabbit... He says "What are you doing there, rabbit?" Rabbit replies "This is a westinghouse, isn't it?"
Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. The only KKK that will let bIack guys inside them.
What do you call a flying Jew Smoke
A man is told he is drunk by a Bartender He shouted "I am not drunk" The Bartender shouted "Tell the time!" The man walked up to the clock and shouted at the Clock "I AM NOT FUCKING DRUNK"
What is 30 feet long and has 42 teeth? A bus full of rednecks
What do you call a computer smoking weed ? High tech.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving! This is a new low...
Air travel is 60% device recharging and 40% other people's farts.
Since we are doing lightbulb jokes, here's one... Q: How many abstract artists does it to screw in a lightbulb? A: A fish!
"Turning on the dishwasher..." Is what I call foreplay with my wife.
Limerick I made about reddit. Spammer would always post to reddit Upvotes he would always get it Always posting for more He was a Karma whore In the end OP was a faggit
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values. ME:Like Disney movies? NC:Exactly. ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China? NC:...
I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.
What do you call two Korean lovers? Seoulmates
Do you know the official psychiatric term for when a woman keeps getting more and more cats? It's called an Add-A-Puss Complex.
A saber-tooth tiger arrives at a cave party Where it's friends had been partying with a bunch of cave-people. "I see I'm too late," says the tiger. "Yup," says another. "Everyone's eaten"
How does Amazon Mexico pay its employees? In Jeff Pesos.
Apparently the average person has sex 365 times a year Pray for me. I may not survive the next 12 hours.
It sucks being a wiener. Your best friends are a couple of nuts and you neighbor's an asshole.
What do you call a wrongly accused art thief? Framed
I'd tell you the one about the Jonestown Massacre, BUT... The punch line's too long.
I always hate going into my cousin's house. He vapes e-cigarettes constantly... ...so whenever I leave there, I end up smelling like an ashlesstray.
romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis 40-love
What did Trump say to Putin after he got elected? Well, Vladimir, urine for a real treat the next four years.
What do you find inside a clean nose? Fingerprints
[Nsfw] What's the difference between a dead baby and a cantaloupe? I don't fuck a cantaloupe before I eat it.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Did you hear about the woman who's addicted to lipstick? It's so crazy, it's something nobody could makeup!
Have you ever wondered? What it could be loike?
Why Did The Military Take Over Turkey? To Prove They Were Not Chicken
I hate when people don't finish jokes
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma'am? Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Perfect timing! This lined up perfectly couldn't resist! http://imgur.com/zR7wcds
Bono switched from Google to Bing But he still hasn't found what he's looking for
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women love anything 20% off.
The Sorting Hat seems like bad hygienic practice.
What is better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded
I tried to change the colour of my monk's costume so I could reuse it but I guess old habits dye hard.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I want to see an episode of Intervention where the person is addicted to Nutella.
So, I heard a celebrity was stabbed the other day... It was Reece something... Reece... Witherspoon? No, with a knife!
Torn this election season. I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president. But I'm also curious about the apocalypse.
Whaddaya call a blind nun? A roamin' catholic.
midterms and finals are like prayers to god. i never get answers.
Vin Diesel is Latin for "the guy we get when The Rock won't do it"
I made a song about a tortilla. [Well actually, it's more of a wrap.](http://i.imgur.com/Clj36.jpg)
Breaking News....Explosion at Cheese Factory De-brie everywhere!
Why does the mushroom always get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi
I'm lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
What do you call a slutty toaster? A crumb dumpster
What is a fedora enthusiast's favorite cookie? M'lano
What's the most fun a monk can have? Nun
A girl walks in on her boyfriend blowing his dick with her hair dryer. "What the hell are you doing?!" she yells. He lovingly replies, "Baby, you just asked me to heat up dinner for you!"
I got a bottle of scotch for my wife... ...that's not a bad trade.
I've waited all year to post this this
Why don't people drink pig's milk? Because its a bit too sow...
Whats the Difference Between Hitler and Stalin? Hitler Hit. Stalin Stalled.
Jehovah's Witnesses were the original pop-up ads.
Why do black people like to "whip" when dancing? Because for one they aren't on the receiving end! Yes I know i am being racist, so dont point it out
Acne and the Priest What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn't cum on your face until you are 13
[robbing bank] leader: go in & grab everything you can *i go in to grab loot* Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
What do you call riot police in Germany? Kraut Control
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies Happy Easter
I hate being bipolar. It's awesome.
if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat
Why are orphans bad at baseball? They don't know where home is.
The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar It was tense.
A punk walked into a barber's shop and sat in an empty chair. "Haircut sir?" asked the barber. "No just change the oil please!"
Mecca should turn into a transformer in the next transformer movie They'll name it Meccatron
Wife: "Notice anything?" Me: "Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?" Wife: "You forgot to wear pants."
I told my mate that I couldn't make his wedding as I'm going to a brothel. "You fucking arsehole" he said. "Depends how much money I have".
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth. Then God made the earth round.....and he laughed and laughed and laughed.
If she calls me cheap one more time I'm gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[Spoilers] Critics asked Stan Lee. . . . . . why Captain America won the war. He simply replied "Tony Stank"
At McDonalds Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn't be feeding them this crap
Why did the comedian mermaid die ? Because it had a dry sense of humor .
{Working as a bouncer} ID please *looks* Okay you can go *softly kisses their forehead first*
the scientific term for a group of cats gathered together in the wild is "assholes"
Here, let me show you the proper way to micromanage.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you got fine written all over you My girlfriend told me this one today, I was impressed
What did the dolphin say when he ran into the sea turtle? "Sorry, I didn't do it on porpoise."
Dad cooks a deer for dinner... And doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "it's what your mother calls me". The little boy yells "it's a fucking dick, DONT EAT IT!!"
How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one more.
I like Gravity... It keeps me down to earth
I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for woman.
I opened a bar in the coal town of Gillette, WY. Unfortunately, I was shut down for serving miners.
Cereal is the sweatpants of food.
trump Donald trump-worlds biggist douche
[starts chanting in unison] In Unison! In Unison! In Unison! Government Official: I don't know what he wants, all I know is I don't like it.
Why did the bicycle fall down? Because it was too tired
How many 9 year olds does it take to change a lightbulb? Over 20, as my basement is still dark.
I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together. It was a big waist of time.
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million... When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right
Reading an article about how more kids are "experimenting with drugs"... What does that mean? More kids tripping in lab coats?
I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"
When people put punchlines in the title. You know what I hate most about /r/Jokes?
Addicted Say "addicted" after everything I say. What is someone who takes drugs? What is someone who drinks? What hit you in the face last night?
I like my women how I like my coffee. Ground up, packed in zip lock bags and stored in the freezer.
How many gays does it take to put in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes a whole emergency room to remove it.
Porcupine : Porsche whats the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche... a porcupine has its pricks on the outside.
My wife left me because I kept touching pasta inappropriately... Now I'm feeling cannelloni
The Mars mission should include an artist to capture the alien planet The art would be out of this world.
Why is leather so good for sneaking around in? Because leather is made of hide.
What is worse then sweat on Olivia Newton John? Come on Eileen
Sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn't even think about us for a second.
What do little sisters ride? A Nii-san
What did the Irishman say about the RC car tied to his scrotum? It drives me nuts.
I have a concrete strip on my front lawn painted to look like a slip n slide and every summer 10 to 15 kids learn a valuable lesson on it.
I always greet new people with 'Expelliarmus' ..... it tends to be pretty disarming
Russian Chukcha Joke Chukcha approaches his friend whose sitting on an empty mile long bench. Move over, says Chukcha.
What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens? Undocumented Democrats.
My dad put snowballs in the blender I miss snowballs he was a great cat
This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.
Little Red Riding Hood sure took a long time to realize the talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandma.
(uncouth) A priest and a rabbi are walking by a playground... The priest says "Let's fuck those kids" The rabbi says, "Outta what?" One of my faves, always makes me chuckle when I think of it
What's the difference between a paddling pool and a swimming pool? Deep ends really.
If I want to commit suicide, all I would do is jump from your EGO' to your  IQ Level'.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don't even call back people I know.
A beaver ran into his ex. "Sorry," he said, "I wood like to catch up but I'm dam sure I can't bite off more time."
So this dude is like, "Where are you going with all that Element 83?" and I was like "None of your bismuth"
What do you call high school students doing a digestive system test? In-test teens.
Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.
And your 2015 Miss Universe is Columbia! -Steve Harvey
What is the similarity between a blonde and a turtle? When they fall on their backs they're fucked
Prince The artist formerly known as alive
A man goes to the zoo and the only animal in the zoo is a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Last day of school for my kids. For the next ten weeks, I can stop pretending math is important.
K/D/A Stood for Kill, Death, Assist?! I thought it was short for Krillin's Dead Again!
I just don't get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I'm sorry. but I've moved on.
[A Sex Joke] Get Your Jokes On Q. Which Kind Of Girls Wear Transparent Clothes? Answer : "Those Girls Who Don't Trust The Imagination Power Of A Boy"
Knock, knock Who's there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn't know you knew how to yodel!
Isis released a statement saying, "Fuck Tom Brady!" Turns out they heard that he is the G.O.A.T.
I used to be a plumber on the International Space Station Shit was outta this world.
A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we're not talking about marriage?
How do chinese people name their childre n? They throw a toaster down the stairs. *I realize this is old but I don't know how many people have heard it, so just spreading the joke*
Recep Kostak
Donald Trump is elected president...
Don't fear the onegina Commitment fearing men, do not fear the onegina syndrome, merely have a baby with her. It will feel like two.
There's a new Batman coming out, but Batman is being played by an Asian? His alter-ego? Bruce Wang.
There was a race between a group of gays and a group of lesbians. Who do you think got there first? The lesbians, because they got there lickety-split while the gays were still packing their shit.
The thing about eating broken cookies is there's no way to know how many you had. "You ate the whole ba-" THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW.
What to you call Batman and Robin after they've been run over by a car? Flatman and Ribbon
Thanks for explaining to me what "many" means! It means a lot!
Why does little Timmy keep throwing up gang signs? Because he ate too much of them.
A friend asked me to tell him where 'Muscat' is I thought about it for a while and said "Oh man!". He said "Yeah man", I replied "That's Sana'a". I'm really confused now.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, on a sunny day their light comes from the glass ceiling. edit; missing words
The Magician The magician said he would disappear on the count of three. He counted uno...dos...but he was gone without a tres.
Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book? It's called "One More Thyme"
What language do cats speak? Catonese
What do you call a stomach ache you get from eating a Cuban sandwich? Castro-intestinal distress.
Why is it hard to watch two elephants boxing? Because they've got the same color trunks.
I was given a recipe book for roadkill recently I collected some roadkill and followed the recipe. It tasted good but I have no idea what to do with his bike.
*uses handkerchief* Well now that this is used, it seems I won't be blowing my nose again til laundry day.
What's the worst part about looking at internet porn? When the librarian tells you to leave.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab] ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
My son- Can I have ice cream? Me- No, it's breakfast Him-The dog just pooped in the living room Me-Clean it up & you can have some ice cream
The inventor of large scholarly books showed me his factory. He said, "Make yourself a tome."
Men who shave their arms and legs probably shave their vaginas as well.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I'm 100% behind you.
A Spanish magician.. A Spanish magician says to a crowd "on the count of three, I will vanish into thin air" he then starts counting "uno, dos..." And all of a sudden he vanishes, without a tres.
What's bigfoot's favorite food? Sasquash!
ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can't make it FRIEND: you're holding a VCR warranty brochure
-1 23   It was delicious.
Mother tells her computer geek son, "Go get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." So he goes, and returns with 6 cartons of milk.
I hope the new Royal baby girl doesn't follow in her grandmother's tire tracks .
My friend got drunk on Candy the other day. He said it was liquor-ish
Have you ever met anyone that said their dog isn't friendly? Just once I want someone to display some honesty & be like "yeah, he's vicious"
Where did Buzz feed learn to click bait so well from? Me
How many? How many people making how many people does it take to change a light bulb take to change a lightbulb?
I had a friend in a wheelchair but i had to let him go Now hes going downhill fast
Miley Cyrus That's the whole joke. though if you want you should google Miley Cyrus--the main picture above her description... wtf
A giraffe walks into a bar, orders 6 martinis ...and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.
Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.
It's hard to eat pizza and feel angry at the same time.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
what is worse than locking your keys in your car parked at planned parent hood? going inside to borrow a coat hanger
Why did Adele cross the road To get to the other side
[NSFW] I asked my roommate if she would suck my cock after I cleaned it... The dirty cocksucker said no!
How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb? How much money are we talking about here?
What do you call batman when he skips church? Christian Bale
Today I got in touch with my inner self Last time I'm buying cheap toilet paper.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? They weren't born yesterday.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeye.
A blonde hears a guy telling blond jokes... She says "i'm blond, and that's very insulting." Guy says, "alright, I'll repeat it slowly."
Two drums and a cymbal fall off of a cliff. Ba-dum tisch
A hot dog walks into a bar The bartender says, "We don't serve sandwiches here." The hot dog says, "That's ok. I came for the roast beef."
I'm no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
What's the difference between batman and Blackman? Batman can go to the store without robin Edit: glad you'll liked it :-)
"Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in* "THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!" [voice from the back] "Nobody was going to."
What do you call two female doctors working at the same hospital? A pair of docs. Probably belongs in /r/imgoingtohellforthis Is /r/misogyny a sub??? My mom would be so disappointed.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape? JUDGE: I'll allow it PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF JUDGE: Let's see where he goes with this
Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists... They did unspeakable things to me.
I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.
Anonymous doesn't hack Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can't use a computer.
What happened when to the psychoanalyst when he went ice skating for the first time? A Freudian Slip
Did you hear about the lawyer with a fetish for loopholes? He got off on a technicality.
The drag queens hairdo He calls it "the Whitney" It's black and dyed in the bath.
I don't know why these Jehovah's Witnesses won't give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Fuck you "string" cheese! Don't tell me how to eat you!
Folks call me a stillborn egg Cause' I'm never getting laid!
Happy Fourtho de Mayo.
What do you give to an owl who is not being himself? A Bowl (B-Owl)
[airport] "you should have used a tag" [a horse emerges on luggage belt] noone else has brought a horse linda [another horse appears] oh FFS
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I'm up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
Use promo code 'NETFLIX' to get 50% off your grades.
Damn my forehead is big! My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My GF begged me to stop singing Linkin Park I tried so hard.
Isn't calling soccer a sport like calling Ru Paul a woman?
Why don't gelding horses like to race? Because every time they go to the starting gate they're reminded "They're Off!".
I don't get why some girls don't make airplane noises before putting their tampons in
To avoid being raped when I am in jail... I stick a tube of toothpaste up my ass for complete cavity protection.
A Mexican magician announced... "For my next trick, I will count to ten and vanish into thin air." He began "Uno....dos.." Then he disappeared without a tres.
Heard this from an eight year old: What's green and pecks on trees. Woody Wood Pickle
you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I've tried
It's called a ponytail because there is a small horse inside your head growing his tail out of you.
How did Barack propose to Michelle? He got down on one knee and said: "I don't want to be obamaself"
If your boss asks "Working hard or hardly working?," come back with a witty quip like "Tomorrow I'm bringing a gun to the office."
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, "I'd tap that."
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
Can't wait to sit in the doctor's office reception area so I can read how to fix meatloaf 3 ways & catch up on 1992.
So I proposed to my girlfriend at a funeral today. She wasn't happy. Apparently I killed the mood.
What I learned in college: 1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
What's the worst part about 30 lawyers in a bus going over a cliff? The bus could fit 30 more lawyers.
What does FUN stand for? Some nights, I don't know.
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear
Parents that tell u "it's just a little noise" when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud
Where do doctors put blood that can't be used because it is too fluorescent? In the haemo glow bin.
Why do terrorists hate air planes made of water? Because they hate waterboarding.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? You put a little boogie in it.
What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with? Meesathelioma.
A Man Walks Into A Bar... And Says "Aw"
I work for the United Nations I have been UN employed for a while
A mushroom walks into a bar... The bartender says "we dont serve your kind." The mushroom replies "but im a fungi!
On a scale of 1 to 10 you'd be a 10... On a pH scale because then you'd be a basic bitch
Why did the pig run away from the pig  sty? He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
What's the worst prank you can play on a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A "Roman" Catholic
I don't kill spiders because when spiders become our mutant overlords and eat us, they will look at me and say, "She's cool. Let her live."
Fizzy drinks are Soda-sgusting *bad dum tiss*
What do Plains Native Americans have in common with moderately sized sea dwelling mammals? For all in tents and porpoises, they're constantly moving.
Why did the Italian miss his dinner? It'a was'a pasta his bed time
My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now  they're all at the gate  and they're off!
WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link to free clips of Bieber's new album.
I asked a friend of mine what's the best joke he heard of. He told me to stand in front of a mirror. Still don't get it.
What do you call a work out routine done by a sexy robot? An erector set. I'll see myself out.
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn't have to duct tape candy around my kid's torso like a suicide bomber
Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?!!!
What type of weed are you allowed to smoke during Ramadan? Tajweed
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. 4yo: .. Me: .. 4yo: .. Me: .. 4yo: I don't have any other feet.. Me: Fair enough.
My therapist told me I lack focus. I told him I liked his new desk.
Password reminder: The hero in second grade who farted instead of saying 'here' during attendance.
When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
4 bullfighters in quicksand What do you call 4 bullfighters in quicksand? Quattro cinco
Me: I'll have a beer Waiter: it's 10am Me: I'll have a beer and some scrambled eggs
I had my first UFO experience this morning I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat ass". Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!
I'd be a more productive writer if the machine I use 2 write wasn't also the machine I use 2 find pics of celebrity nipples.
What fabric is Mario's overalls? Denim denim denim.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it's my fault.
Rabbit TV ESPN had the Natonal Spelling Bee on there.
A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not. He's eggnogstic.
To a lot of Americans these days, Donald Trump is just starting to sound like a lot of white noise.
What do you get if you cross a rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
[First Date] HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist? ME: Oh I'm not feminist at all! HER: ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An im-pasta!
I am having a vasectomy today. Tell me your best ball jokes I will start it off. What did one ball say to the other? Don't talk to the guy in the middle he's a dick.
Home buying tips: -Up & coming area = Murders -Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders -Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Which white dude probably had the biggest dick? Michael Jackson
Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
"What did you like best about your last job?" "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I printed out this website's logo and then I realised I didn't need it. Should I throw out the piece of paper or should I... Shreddit
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don't do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Why do Trekkies never grow out of Star Trek? They always somehow just Klingon to it.
Me: There's a real fat one on the other team! Her: "My son's not fat!" How you know I was talking about him? "Cuz he's the.." Fat one? "Ya."
What do viagra and China have in common? Rigged erections
Female aliens are invading earth and kidnapping men with large cocks. You're in no danger. I'm just writing you to say goodbye.
Daily 'Facts About CHEESE' Fact About Cheese #3: "String Cheese. Is not made of string."
I just bought a sewing machine I needed to get my sheet together
I ate some bad Greek food now I falafel.
Aquafina is Spanish for "tap water in a plastic bottle"
I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. "Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house. I said, "I love you too..."
Why haven't you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
I use a sword to argue with people. They usually get my point.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I went into Paris to eat some Snails... and ended up with a belly full of Slugs
What did Dorothy do to the mean Asian Munchkin? She swallowed the yellow prick's load.
My wife called me mean... ... so I called her average.
What steps should you take if you see a dangerous animal on your travels? Very large ones.
I lost a finger in an accident today. It sucks but on the other hand... I still have all five.
Not Going To Try This Again
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab.
I Saw a Huge Seagull Today It was big enough to be a D Gull. But not quite big enough to be an Eagle
Did hipster polar bears like the North Pole... before it was cool?
What do you call a rude German? A Deutsch bag
Morehead Kentucky Its ironic that marriages are now happening again in morehead Kentucky.. Normally when you get married it turns out to be less head.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
Why doesn't Jesus eat M&amp;M's? Because of the holes in his hands.
Did you know Abe Lincoln was Jewish? He got shot in the temple
What does the bee Santa Claus say ? Ho hum hum !
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest
Yo Momma is sooo fat.... That when the Millennium Falcon saw her, Ben said "That's no moon"
Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk.
why is it called Black Friday? because you can get everything for a steal.
My sister said she thought it would be cool to be a meme. I told her to run for president.
What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey? Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.
What do you call a person who thinks every day is Halloween? a transsexual
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE I'm putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Which purse runs from the law? Disburse!
I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
I was walking down the street the other day when a man threw some cheddar at me... ... I said "Well, that's mature!"
Yo mommas so fat. She stood on the scales and the number displayed was above average.
A snowman tells another snowman. Snowman 1: Guess what? Snowman 2: What? Snowman 1: You smell like carrots ps. not sure if this joke has been posted before
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn't recognize them because they've gotten so big.
I dropped my glasses in the toilet today. Now everything looks like shit.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
I like my women like I like my coffee No pubic hair
I just established the five hour rule for tequila spilled on the floor.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud and crosses back over? A dirty double crosser.
Just saw a kid go down a slide looking at an iPhone. End of the world or multi-tasking?
Where will Miley Cyrus go when her showbiz career is over? twerk
English is weird... but it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Yeah you red it rite.
i take valium &amp; viagra so if i dont get a fuck i dont give a fuck
I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, "LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT'S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT'S JUST A FEATHER."
"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME" - Farts
Donald Trump. ...That is the joke.
Wanna talk about Sodium? Na Nitric Oxide? NO Oxygen Magnesium Phosphorus Iodine Sulfur or Fluorine? OMg PISS OFF ...Potassium? K
I wouldn't do well in war because the bravest thing I've ever done was post an Instagram photo with no filter.
What's the difference between a German and a Virgin? one one appreciates good head
I find humour in the simple things... That's why I am banned from all Special Olympics events.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
If you had an orgy without any Scottish people... You'd be getting off scot-free.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
Why can't you trust anything MATTER says? Because it makes up everything.
I like to do the same thing to my girlfriend that I do with my drum set Pretend that I have one
A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?" The other man responds, "You are on the other side of the river."
When I say "I'm broke" I don't mean I have $0. It means I have responsibilities to take care of before wastin' money on dumb stuff. Merica.
What is will? A little bitch
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.
No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Why can Saint Nicolas never be prosecuted? Because of the Santa Clause
What did the cake say to the fat kid I am nutritious
Sometimes I look out over the new construction in my city, old ground being dug up to make room for the new, and I think to myself: I really should have buried the bodies somewhere else.
What state do the most math teachers come from? Mathachusits!
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word "whatevs" for the first time, so 17 years. It's been a good run.
How do you make someone holy? You beat the hell out of them
Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?
What's common between Canadians and Belgians? They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too.
Why do Men find it hard to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Hitler wasn't that bad of a guy I mean, he did kill Hitler.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I'm scared, but my zipper is broken and I've had too much botox on one side.
Yo Mama Chain Yo mama so stupid, she sat on the T.V, and watched the couch!
For girls who said all guys are assholes Who told you do try them all?
What is the KKK's favorite dessert? A Klandike bar.
I just couldn't believe anyone when the told me that my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home All the signs were there...
Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state.
Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
Why is it that when kids touch themselves, it's "perfectly natural"... but when I do it, I'm a "pedophile"?
Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games? Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.
You can lead a horse to water... but you can't make it drink, unless you have someone to hold his head under while you suck at his ass like a straw.
A client comes to a bank:  My cheque was returned with a remark: "Insufficient funds". I'd like to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?
"I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!" - said no one ever.
A mexican and a black guy are in a car, who is driving? A cop
What do you call a disputatious horse? A naahh sayer. Credit:14 yr old me.
What's a pirate's most favorite letter? [A letter of marque](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Letter_of_marque).
I like anal sex the way I like my coffee
What do a chick and KFC have in common? Once you're done enjoying the legs, thighs and breasts your left with a greasy box to stick your bone in.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
What do you call Bruce Lee stuffed in a shell? A crustacean
Christmas Presents I told my girlfriend that every time we had sex I would add a dollar to how much i would spend on her christmas present, so far she's getting a McChicken.
My favourite punchline is in the joke I tell blind people. They never see it coming.
I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.
Lee: I just swallowed a fish bone! Counselor: Are you choking? Lee: No I'm serious!
If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.
Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer.... ...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands.
Do you know why consuming ants is good for your health? It's because they have anty-bodies!
Calculus joke Epsilon is wandering around. Suddenly he sees his friend Delta. "Delta, it's good to see you! But what are you doing here?" Delta replies, "Oh, I was just in the neighborhood."
What is love? You just sang "baby, don't hurt me." In your mind didn't you?
I still remember when mom used to tuck me in as a kid Man she really wanted a daughter
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it's like you're blasting them with nuclear waste.
I had a near death experience and I saw heaven. There were people screaming and there was fire everywhere.
ISIS pickup line Girl are you a suicide vest? Cos I'd like to be inside you
What would you call a nine day old dog in  Russia? A puppy.
Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you
Why do certain asian boxers hate the Rebel Alliance? Because they are Thai fighters.
Guys, we really should have seen Steve Irwin's death coming... ... he always let animals into his heart.
It's great that they're searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we've got to brace these people,, there's a good chance she's not alive
Why do hipsters only buy games from GOG? Because other stores are too mainSteam.
Najib Razak
I don't talk about my ex's because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they're dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
George Michael was upset to find he had let a chocolate bar melt in his pocket It was just a careless whisper
How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, I left early.
Me: Guess what Her: What Me: The opposite of Aquaman Her: ... Me: Is Landlady Her: ... Me: ... Her: Your rent is still due tomorrow Me: Ok
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
A Man Tells a Joke... http://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/38ywir/i_want_my_kids_middle_name_to_be_withawhy_just_to/crz16n6
Tug boats hate when their mom comes in their room without knocking.
Do you know what moth balls smell like? How did you get their tiny legs apart?
Heard about the new paki doll coming out for christmas? You wind it up and it stinks.
Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.
Inside everybody there's a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The First Time
Why can't Keanu Reeves eat his soup? There is no spoon
Divorce. When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.
I tried to blow a hair off my laptop screen so now there's some spit next to the hair.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits
So if my girlfriend can have multiple orgasms, why can't I have multiple girlfriends?
"Very colorful, fun. I'd put it in my mouth" "A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I'd put it in my mouth" -Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I was told to drink a lot of Perrier My fizzy eau therapist insists on it.
Is that a Nexus 6 or are you just happy to see me?
"Favorite" seems like a strong word. There should be a button that's more just "Hey, fun Tweet. This is fun. We're having fun."
A zombie walks into a bar Bartender says "we don't serve zombies here" to which the zombie replies "that's fine, is the human fresh?"
How did the vegetable farmer fix his flat tire on his truck? with asparagus...
What's the difference between a white guy and a pizza? A pizza doesn't shoot up a school.
Why do lesbians shop at sports authority? Because the don't like dicks.
What's Edward Elric's favorite band? My Alchemical Romance
This hotel has the worst mini-bar. All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo.
scientists agree that following me on twitter is a clear sign you were classified as Above Average as kid and used it as an excuse to coast
A patriotic Helen Keller song... "Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it 'Maughhghariianoo oohhghhoo onooa oooaughhahg'."
What did the cookie farmer say? "I've been raisin' cookies."
Relationship advice on /r/relationships User: So my boyfriend and I... /r/relationships: Break up with him.
[at interview] "ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him" umm "..." subwoofer? "welcome to the navy seals"
What's the best hotel in the world? Auschwitz. 1.3 million stars.
I would tell you my joke about necrophelia... But that would be fucking lifeless of me
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you. Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
I ran into a one armed fisherman I asked if he had any luck. He said "yea caught one this big" This joke works better in person.
What do you call someone who can't take a joke about cancer? Someone with no sense of tumor.
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "I'll take five beers, please."
What is your favorite joke about women? Q: Why don't women wear watches? A: Because there is a clock on the stove.
Patient just told me a joke yesterday When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why? They are out standing in the field
Moths are the hobos of the insect world.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you, you'll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Man found dead in chicken coop. Fowl play suspected.
Fat lady hops on an Exercycle next to me, she says, "I'm here to lose weight." Me: "And you waited 'til the last min, didn't you?"
100% of Guy Fieri fans drive drunk.
FedEx and UPS are merging. Everyone is now Fed-Up
I call my bedroom the place where the magic happens' because it's where I make my self-respect disappear.
Silly Billy went in a library and said, " I would like to have a pizza." Librarian - " Sir, this is a library." Billy goes near his ear and whispers - " I would like to have a pizza."
Chipotle is releasing a new "Ravens" burrito. It comes with everything but rice.
I just asked my dad what his favourite part about being a teacher is... He responded with June, July, and August
This month is called "February," that stuff is called "snow" and unless you live in what's called the "tropics," drop the shock and awe.
Why Did Princess Diana Cross The Street? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt
I used a fax machine today!! I also ran all the cotton thru the gin and plowed the field with my oxen while it finished dialing up.
Be very careful if you eat mushrooms in the wild. There's not mushroom for error.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father... Not screaming like his passengers.
To the cars honking behind me, Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets
Chuck Norris doesn't swim, water just likes to be around him
Whats the difference between a whistle and a rape whistle? one is a cockblocker
the plot of hitman is that greg hitman is just trying to go about his day but wacky things always seem to happen when he's around!
Yo Mama's so fat that when she sits on the beach whales swim up to her and sing "We are family...!"
Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee pee in your coke. Me Russian, Me got Krass, me put pee pee in your ass.
Just saw an old man in the park feeding the birds Wonder how long he'd been dead
Two antenna's fell in love and got married. The actual wedding wasn't that good but the reception was excellent.
March forth is National Grammar Day March forth, it is National Grammar Day on March 4th!
Dark humor is like a child with cancer, It never gets old.
Men who talk about how big their dick is actually have a tiny dick. Related: I'm hung like an Asian field mouse.
No one ever gets my jokes about UDP.
Sexual predators are never funny Unless Lena Dunham writes about being one.
What is a runner's favourite subject in school ? Jog-raphy !
What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality. I'll show myself out now...
How to be happier: 1. Exercise 2. Lift weight 3. When you've become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I was an atheist Until I found out I was a sex god.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she's off balance.
Yo mommas so ugly that even her dildo has to take Viagra
What do terrorists and the England football team have in common? They will never win
Time zones are amazing, it's a different time all around the world. For example, in some parts of the U.S. it's still 1950.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like "u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth"
"This ice bucket challenge is really contributing to California's drought" I said as i skipped into Raging Waters
Don't make fun of fat people; they have enough on their plate.
I knew this girl, she's really deep; she'd always find a reason to preach about how size does matter...
I remember being about 10 years old & seeing a homeless guy with a dog & I just looked at them both & mumbled, "Lucky."
If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don't wanna be right.
[terrorist meeting] "Let's hit Americans where they gather to shop" But how will we find these Targets? "Guys you're not gonna believe this"
TL; DR: Action hero references Oedipus Die Hard's John McClane and his catchphrase . . .
What do you call a comedian that can't get a girl pregnant? Carl Barron
What do you call a stay-at-home parent? Unemployed.
What's the difference between a pair of shoes and a ginger girl? You try your best to keep your shoes from getting wet when you go to town.
Why are pedophiles so full of themselves? They only have sex with people who look up to them.
TIFU by sitting next to a really hot Thai chick on the bus home today and kept thinking, "Don't get an erection, don't don't don't..." But she did.
Life can be compared to a 'Choose your own adventure' book. Sometimes there's a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Why planes are faster than car and buses? Because they are almost never **tired**.
Joke Request: I would like someone to share an anatomy joke Come on, Humerus
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite
I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes. All of the good ones argon.
There was 30 cows in a field and 20 8(ate) how many didn't? 10
They sure don't make time machines like they're going to!
What says "Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark!" ? A dog with a hair lip
Gardeners Interesting fact: Gardeners get to stay in their beds all day.
Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
You know who's even bigger than Ariana Grande? Ariana Venti.
I like to sip a cup of coffee on a Sunday, grab a book and start worrying about Monday.
They say statistically, 1 out of every 3 of your neighbors are likely to be a pedophile. Luckily for me, I live next to two gorgeous 12 year olds.
Santa came last night. Oh god.... it's everywhere :(
How do you reward a chicken journalist? With a poulette surprise!
What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster (   )
Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.
A "ramification" sounds a lot more fun than it actually is.
Why didn't Hitler drink? It made him mean.
Please. Danger is my middle name. "What's your first name?" Avoids
Her: I'll sleep with you when pigs fly Me: points to police helicopter*
CHECK OUT BUZZFEED'S TOP 10 LIST OF GODS FOR ATHEISTS. YOU WON'T BELIEVE NUMBER 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, OR 10.
Two men of African American descent are standing on the edge of a dock, peeing into the lake. The first man says, "Water's cold today huh?" The second one replies, "Yeah...and deep too."
Five Construction Workers Walk Into a Bar They should have been looking where they were going
What do you call a wizard who loves being on busy trams? Harry Frotteur
What did the pirate say to the wench before sex? Prepare to be boarded.
A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
yea whataver ... i have a gf shes uhhh *looks around* imported. i mean foreign. yea shes a Modelo too. no i said model. a very especial girl
What's Irish and sits out all night? Patio furniture.
Why did the Priest cross the road? Because he crosses everything.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today's social scene sounds so violent.
I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats. I'm trying to quit cold turkey.
What's the difference between a guy with carry on luggage and a photon? The guy overpacked, and the photon is traveling light.
did you hear the one about the arguing grandfather clocks? one chimed in and other tocked over him. also they were both racists
What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip.
Did you hear about the magician who could make a full breakfast appear out of nowhere? He has some Trix up his sleeves. :D
What's a panda's favorite drink? Fanta.
Send your hate mail to me. How many black guys does it take to screw a lightbulb? You cant count them when its dark
Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you... But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too.
How long can a frog hold its breath underwater? Until it croaks...
IBM succumbs to feminist pressure Booleans can now contain the value "maybe".
I have to find a new personal trainer. He didn't do squat(s).
Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside? Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke.
So the other day i saw a beaver begging by the side d the river But I didn't give a dam
Answer: Wicker Chair Question: What did Elmer Fudd do when Jennifer Lawrence stood up?
What does the Pope Jean-Paul 2 and the little girl kidnapped by Boko Haram have in common? The pope died a virgin
With Tim Cook being gay and all... It's no wonder he likes dongles so much.
"Tell me about yourself" Well, I'm a Canadian- "Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman"
What do people in the South use instead of www.Ancestry.com? www.incestry.com
Yo momma so fat, that when god said "let there be light" she had to move over. In light of the recent yo momma jokes on this sub.
Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday- Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.
When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug? When it gets a handle on life.
What do you call funny laboratory equipment? A comical flask.
[at the airport] Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma'am? Me: Sure. What can I get you?
"Time is of the essence" Twitter: Hahaha nope
Procrastination is a dish best served tomorrow.
Responsible parents should teach their kids that it's not the person you hate, it's their guts.
I just sent a text that says "we really need to talk" to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me and my ex-girlfriend just weren't meant to be together, she was a Capricorn... and I don't believe in bullshit
A package comes in the mail at the post office &amp; it's business as usual... But when I cum in the mail at the post office it's public indecency &amp; a felony..
Do you know what really brings your face together? A really bad smell!
How do you win a Scandinavian race? By crossing the Finnish line!
"Oh hello, I didn't see you there!" - Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[OC[ what do u call a fireman with aids (first porst)) i am 9 yrs old btw UR MUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!222222
I don't know what it is that makes you stupid but whatever it is it works.
TIL In Australia 'boo' means to return Because when you throw a normal merengue it doesn't come back
Those Jihad magicians really need to learn new tricks... I'm tired of watching reporters get sawn in half.
Why can't ISIS members go fuck themselves? Because sex with animals is haram.
Guess what? Elephant Butt
"only watch up to two hours of tv a day" oh well i dont have time to watch tv because i stay on the internet all day so im good and healthy
My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.
As an American, the moment I stop feeling full is the perfect time for a light snack. Or maybe a whole cheesecake or dozen donuts. Whatever.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
What's the difference between a black person and Christmas lights? Nothing. They both look good hanging from trees.
I used to be addicted to soap... It's okay I'm clean now.
The Monkey Do you know why the monkey fell out of the tree because he was fucking dead.
What did the midget give her boyfriend after his concert? A Standing Blow-vation.
/r/Jokes hits 2 Million subscribers **/r/Jokes metrics:** Total Subscribers: 2,006,077 Subreddit Rank: 35 Subreddit Growth &amp; Milestones: http://redditmetrics.com/r/Jokes
If Trump and Clinton were stranded on a desert island, who would survive? America.
This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
What happened to the boy-band member who dropped the soap In the prison shower? Let's just say that his backstreet went more than one direction.
What department do you not want to end up at in a corporation run by cannibals? Human Resources.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana? Asking for a friend... ...but hurry up, I'm almost to the checker
I'm so broke... I gotta jerk off the dog to feed the cat
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system. "You have one new voicemail from... *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd"
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? World War II.
Why don't we call it Christlmas? Noel.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.
The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was.... My answer of "i dont know, about ten dollars?" was not acceptable.
Three mods walk into a bar... [deleted]
I'd rather fly Oceanic Airlines than Malaysia.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
What do all North Korean's say when you ask them how their day was? "can't complain"
What can't you hear a pterodactyl go the bathroom? Because the P is silent...
I'm always skeptical of twins because it's rare I like even one of a person.
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. Guess they don't like random people coming up to their door.
I met a Buffalo Sabers fan once.
Two reddit moderators walk into a bar [removed]
Social Justice Warriors are so sensitive that... Social Justice Warriors are so sensitive that they don't need a Large Hadron Collider to locate the Higgs-Boson Particle.
No one your age has any idea what they're doing either. No matter what age you are.
People don't like my jokes. People don't like my jokes, and that's fine because I'm not punny.
"This tweet isn't funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!" --me
A truck containing 10,000 unborn fetuses ran off a cliff. Luckily, nobody was injured.
"What the fuck is a newspaper?" - our grandchildren
What's green and fuzzy, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
Why do people who aren't able to celebrate Father's Day... ...get all of February instead?
I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.
Warner Brothers' 2015 film schedule.
My boyfriend called me today in tears. He said he found a lump on his testicles. I explained to him that it was actually his cock
I bought some shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day
Leo and Matt Damon are talking..... Leo:wanna hear a joke? Matt: sure Leo:OSCAR! Matt: i did'nt get it Leo:EXACTLY
Name a household appliance that you everyday... my wife...but shes gone and i need to do the dishes myself now
 Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
Can anyone tell me where the Aby Sea is? Someone said pirates can't learn the alphabet, but I be having some difficulties navigating through the Aby Sea part.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news? Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny
What's the most confusing holiday in the hood? Father's day.
Why did the man sleep under the tractor? Because he wanted to wake up oily.
Of course, Tony the Tiger isn't his real name. It's Lord Antoine le Tigris of Kellogg.
What is a Pokemon master's favorite kind of pasta? Wartortellini!
My 5/o just said "That's Classic!!" WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
what do you tell a girl with two black eyes...? nothing, you already told her twice
Why does camping never get boring? Because it's in tents.
I'm not a violent person, but I'd happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.
How do you get down from an elephant? You don't. You get down from a duck.
There's no dumb questio "Why'd my parents get divorced?" See. His parents most likely split up because he's an interrupting little shit
What did Mark Antony say to Van Gogh? Lend me your ears
why do comedians always ask such strange questions? because they're telling jokes
Recently a female bank robber wasn't very successful She only got 77% of what a what a male would have.
Do you know anything about tapes and cd's? Do you think if i taped my dick to my forehead you could cd's nuts?
If my cat didn't want to smoke cigarettes then he never should have bought that leather jacket
What anime do Mexicans watch? Boku no Pico de Gallo
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
Eye no howe too spiel
What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Me: Watcha got there? 8: Lemonade. Me: What kind? 8: Mike's Me: Nooooooo
How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
How about a dirty joke? the new born white duckling fell into the mud. the filthy, filthy mud.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
What did the big chimmney say to the little chimmney? Stop smoking. You are too young to smoke
What's the difference between a Caucasian and an asian? The cauc.
When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
Why did Simba's dad die? He couldn't Mufasa
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.
So I was eating out my Grandma... and I tasted horse cum. And I thought to myself, "Is that how she died?!"
May the Fourth. Today is my birthday. The fourth hath always been with me. Even if I have a lithp.
Quite frankly autocorrect I'm tired of your shirt
Joke What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
What does all pirate music have in common? It's all played in the high C's.
I'm on a whiskey diet... I've lost three days already.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because It wanted to come before the egg.
If the opposite of "pro" is "con"...... Then the opposite of "progress" would be "congress" I^will^see^myself^out
What is H.P. Lovecraft's cook book called? The Necronomnomnomicon.
Infatuation Bastard That was the punchline, here's the question... What did Pauline Hanson say when a Chinese man asked her how she cooks her chips?
If I ever say, "Do you want me to be honest?" Say no.
How many Blondes does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies? 10....one to bake the cookies, and 9 to peel the M&amp;Ms
How did the captain describe the newborn puppy? son-of-a-b***h..!!!
I'm late to this meeting cause I have a boner and can't get out of my car
How do you know you're kissing a french horn player? They try to stick their hand up your butt.
What did Kenny G say when he got off the elevator? - What did Kenny G say when he got off the elevator? - "Man, this place ROCKS!" (from Stephen King - The Cell)
What did the philanderer say to the gardener praying in the shed? How do you stay faithful in a room full of hoes?
Why couldn't they save the shipwrecked hippies? They were too far out, man.
How do you call a game console named after an MMA fighter? Nate DS
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I'm against cloning. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam.
Few Saturdays I switch off the light and stay the whole night in darkness So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...
Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Memo to Life: Fewer lemons. More cherries. Thanks!
Did you hear what the Feds found at Jared Fogle's home? A five year old footlong.
A doctor tells a man that he has to stop masturbating. The man is surprised and says, "Why?" And the doctor says,"Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I'm not doing anything cheesy for my girlfriend on valentines day... She's lactose intolerant.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
What did they call taxi drivers in Nazi Germany? Ubermensch.
I accidentally locked my keys in the car across the street from an abortion clinic... .... I yelled, "Hey! Anybody got a hanger?" The protesters chased me for three blocks.
What kind of cereal do you find in a haunted house? Cinnamon Ghost Crunch
How do you know that Ash Ketchum is a pervert? Because he always takes a Pik-at-chu
Me: Hey, look, I can't stay long, I've got a cab downstairs. Her: You took a cab? Me: I'm gonna give it back!
I told my sister I'm into incest she took it really hard.
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.
In a very touching gesture, Gary Anderson attempted to call up Blair Walsh and offer his sympathy. Unfortunately, they just missed each other.
What did you get your mom for Mother's Day tomorrow? Besides a tiny, brief panic attack?
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ? Fancy a bite ?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You're distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I thought revenge was a dish best served cold... Then I remembered it was actually the action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
On a scale between 1 to 10... How likely is it that this question is in binary?
"Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?" I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "you don't have enough bullets mate!"
Want to know how to make tons of people mad real fast? your about to now how.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy Judge: what's upsexy? [lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.
What does a cannibal bring to a barbecue? (OC) Brats!
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic... But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm Fantastic.
What's the difference between MLK day and St. Patty's day? On St Patty's day everyone wants to be Irish.
[NSFW] What did Olive Oyl say to Popeye on their wedding night? "No fisting."
What does Bill Say to Hillary after Sex? Honey I'll be Home in 20 minutes.
Cs go joke How many CS GO silver ranked players does it take to fix a light bulb. None cause they cant climb the ladder ahahahahahaha
If I had a dollar every time trump said something stupid, I'd have a small loan of a million dollars
My girlfriend has twelve breasts. It seems kind of freaky, dozen-tit?
Heisenberg is driving down the highway and gets pulled over by a cop... Cops says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going." Heisenberg says, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Kid: Mommy's last name must be "Honey" cuz that's what daddy calls her Teacher: That's SWEET. What's her first name? Kid: "Sorry," I think
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar... the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'
Remember when Indiana Jones risked having his arm crushed to rescue his hat? I'd do that for my iPhone.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tss.
optimist: the glass is half full optimist - the glass is half full; pessimist - the glass is half empty; feminist - the glass is being raped.
I just got a really terrible circumcision What a rip-off!
Feel The Bern? Oh, I'm feeling it right about now.
I'm really good at telling old jokes, and fixing fences... I guess I'm just good at reposting
What do you call a necrophiliac cumshot [Dirty (obviously)] Ice Cream
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret MARILYN MONROE: ok i'll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday K: pls dont MM: *winking* ok
I'm basically just waiting to eat again.
What do you call a Mexican supremacist organization against civil rights? The Que Que Que.
What has only one arm and can't swim? An excavator.
"What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me" -guy who invented sports
My angry wife controls everything. She even said I had to stop eating candy at work... ... so I had to fire her
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
My girlfriend is like the Samsung Note7 She blows up at any given moment.
A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
fog machine I was pissed off yesterday. So pissed off I threw my fog machine out the window. Something must have went wrong, because it misted.
Women and rocks are a lot alike. We skip the flat ones.
I told the bartender I'll have a Lou Gehrig's Disease. It's a tall glass of tequila. You drink half of it, stand up to make a speech, drink the second half of it, and you're dead.
It's unseasonably warm in New York. Let's go outside and stare at our phones.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
The Japanese believe the color of a person's aura changes to cyan before they die. Cyan-Aura
Why did the customer choose T-Mobile? Because he wanted the worst cellphone service in the world.
My friend told me a Holocaust joke Anne Frankly I didn't like it.
Q: What is long, black and stinks? A: The unemployment line
A dad joke which you can use.. Young Man: I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. Girl's Father: You've got to take all of her or it's no deal.
A beautiful woman is like the perfect shot of vodka Transparent, ice cold, and utterly tasteless.
Roses are red, Relationships are rare... BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE!
"Son, I've found a condom in your room." "Gee thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I prefer to buy rental properties that take up an entire city block or more. I'm in it for the long hall.
"For God's sex, stop making fun of my English." #WhereEnglishFails
Ok parents who refer to their kids by age... I can play too. "22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies"
Me:*runs into woods* ahh I'm gonna get killed by the clowns Clown: nah we just want to scare people Me: oh. can u make an exception for me
Universe's odds of existing? Near impossible. Humanity's odds of existing? Near impossible. My chances at a relationship? Well... I make the other odds look like a 1 in 6 roll on loaded dice.
How do you blindfold a chinese person... you put a floss over their eyes.
Ice Bucket Challenge Fail ( French ) 2014
You can't run through a campsite... You can only ran, because its past tents.
Would a charming vampire be a neck-romancer?
I'm a feminist A woman should be allowed to make a sandwich wherever she wants
Hello everyone. I'm using Internet explorer so I hope this gets out in time. Happy New Year 2006
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind. And now, we wait...
Why did the hipster only listen to dead musicians? So he could say he listened to them when they were underground.
What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece? The Philosophers Stoned
I started running back and forth repeatedly... ...and now my head hertz.
Another Tom Swifty "I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades," said Tom heartlessly.
What kind of cancer does an amnesiac oncologist diagnose? Adenocarcinoma
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
A man comes home to his wife with a big bunch of flowers... "I suppose I'll have to keep my legs open for the next few days!" The wife says. The husband replies, "Why? Don't you have any vases?"
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those who don't and those that weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
What would Steve Harvey change his name to if he suddenly became bulimic? Heave Starvey
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass
A lion wouldn't cheat at golf... But a tiger woods
Happy Easter!... Sorry it's a bit early, I suffer from premature congratulation.
No matter the medium, a well done burger joke is rare
Tesla, Oscar Wilde, and Sherlock Holmes walk into a bar. The punchline of this joke was patented and then hidden by Thomas Edison.
What does electron and proton say when they go to war? Chaaaarge!!
What is the difference between most of these jokes on this sub and a bucket full of shit? The bucket.
I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come... Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
5: I cleaned my room. Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something. 5: No. Next time you can do it.
I want to get into the porn industry But the competition is really stiff.
REQUEST: any Greg Giraldo jokes or is it still too soon? I think the world is ready. Shoot!
A group of IPhones walk into a bar Bartender: Get out! IPhones: Why? Bartender: I know you don't have any money! IPhones: How? Bartender: Because all you Apple products lost your Jobs years ago!
A guy came to me at the bar the other day and said "Hey bartender, I don't have much money so give me a cheap shot!" . . I told him "your mom is ugly and your breathe stinks"
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I opened a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynocologist? One looks up your family tree, and the other looks up your family bush.
Have anyone heard that band The Prevention? They are WAY better than The Cure.
Why do Yoda's jokes always suck? Says the punch line first, he does.
I hate having to brush my teeth in the morning. I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you feed your self with that?
I just met the girl of my dreams She flew into class naked and her teeth fell out.
If your surname is Rice and you don't name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Kid: What's this? Me: A napkin holder K: What's a napkin? M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty K: You mean like the couch? M: ...
What do you call a blind German? A Nazi
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating. Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
A complete list of movie roles turned down by Nicolas Cage:
What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? Snowballs
What time do Germans leave their dentist appointments? 2:39
Did you hear about the guy how lost his whole left side? He's alright now.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don't want myself to know about.
What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery? All the damn digging.
What do you call 99% of /r/politics? Bernd-wagoners!
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn't, it'd be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Why are gay people such good swimmers? because they are flambuoyant
Why are Alabama weddings so small? They've only gotta invite one family
Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% other people cheapening the meaning of the word "genius".
So, a priest goes weeks without eating, walks barefoot, and has bad breath. [x-post from /r/punny] He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
What word is always spelled wrong? Wrong
Hillary Clinton has been frequenting a new restaurant, reports say. I guess the main appeal of it is her own private server.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach him to say "Help, they turned me into a parrot" you wasting everybody's time Shamelessly stolen from /r/funny
I'm not seeing "cat herder" on any of these job websites.
Deathblade the Biker Gang leader ran over a land mine. He died like he rode: all over the place.
Inflation joke Due to inflation, a picture is now worth only 436 words. Thanks obama.
Leonardo DiCaprio set to play a Long John Silver in his next role. Having previous experience with spending most of his years searching for gold.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head but from a distance they looked like hares
Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it
I'm never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.
"What's on the inside is what counts..." My sister, while opening the fridge.
Harry Potter was walking down a hill jk rowling
Yo mama's so fat when she was in school she sat next to everybody!
My boss asked me how many Galaxy Note 7s I ended up selling to the public. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall.
Long jokes... are never well received by members of the Wang clan.
So an openly gay guy patronized a store in Indiana .
AMA Request Floyd Mayweather never mind, it would take him a year to finish the first comment.
I'm going out with two anorexic girls, Two birds, one stone
A horse walks into a bar. A horse walks into a bank. A horse drives a car. Welcome to horse country. There's shit everywhere please help us.
I think "dildo" is an acceptable insult. Like I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough.
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website... ... I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
What do you call a sweaty British Millionaire? All-quid.
Love yourself, just don't do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.
Democrats have been really angry over the 2016 election results The last time Democrats were THIS angry is when the Republicans took their slaves away
Why did Pete Carroll find Marshawn Lynch in a tree? "I'm just here so I don't get find."
I like my women like I like my Isis victims. Topless. Remember, this is just a joke, so don't be offended. It's nothing to lose your head over.
How many Super Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL ZEEEEE! (I really hope this isn't a repost)
*Shakespeare resetting his password* "Enter new password." Fortnight "Your password is two weeks."
In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.
17 yo didn't do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
How can you tell if someone has Alzheimer's? A. How can you tell if someone has Alzheimers?
What do most people do when they see a python ?  They re-coil !
If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
TIFU by having sex on an airplane ..
Everything's gonna be ok ma'am, I've got a degree from an online college.
Excuse me Sir... But are you a bratwurst? ...you could be the meat between my buns.
If I had a dollar for everything I did out of spite... I wouldn't take the money.
Why are outdoor workers so in fit? Cause they work out.
Who will Donald Trump blame when he loses the presidential bid? Of course every Juan!
Son: I'm gay, dad. Dad: no I'm gay dad Dad #2: no I'm gay dad
A man walks up to a prostitute and propositions her for sex... She says to the man: "Sorry, but I'm clothed for the day."
What does an old lady's pussy taste like? Depends.
I entered my 10 best puns into a joke competition, hoping they'd win ... No pun in ten did
What does a Jamacian call everything he owns? Meetings.
I'm not saying your new girlfriends a whore but.. The Bermuda Triangle has swallowed fewer seamen
Birthdays are good for you.... The more you have, the longer you live.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I like my comedy how I like my milk..... dry.
what does my microwave and women have in common? they both need a mute button
What should you do if you see an epileptic having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry, and soap
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to his wife when she cheated on him? "May divorce be with you."
Dogs lick each other's butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Extremely controversial, but here goes... Why can't you try someone for grave digging? Because it was found on the ground.
Do cannibals prefer red or white wine with dinner? They're not fussed, as long as it's full bodied.
"How's Mason doing?" Ugh, he's going through this emu kid phase. "Don't you mean emo kid?" *boy covered in feathers runs past* I wish.
All of Ariel's mer-sisters' names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Security frantically searching my pockets not realizing I'm stealing the trench coat
When I was younger, I was so stupid, I made bad decisions that will haunt me for the rest of my life. And by "younger" I mean yesterday.
What's the difference between a lobster with a boob job and a Greyhound terminal? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.
What's Bruce Lee's favorite car? Kiaaaaaaaa
My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.
Why did the semen cross the road? I put the wrong socks on this morning...
There are two types of people in this world... those who like closure
What is Forrest Gumps password? 1forrest1
What is empty and spins round and round? A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.
A friend asked me if it was wrong for him to send messages to himself online in order to appear more popular on social media I said "No, go on, tweet yourself." Shamelessly stolen from Jimmy Carr.
Did you hear how Argentina lost the game? heard it was pretty Messi
*UFO attacks* Govt: It's a weather balloon. *UFO destroys Eiffel Tower* Govt: Weather balloon. *UFO conquers Earth* Govt: Weather balloon.
What do you say when your village gets the Black Death I'm bubon-sick of this plague.
OC: My wife recently caught me receiving a hand-job from a circus soothsayer. It was truly a stroke of Miss Fortune.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see why /r/jokes is screwing in lightbulbs
According to my doctor, it'd be healthiest to stay away from trans fats. I'm really going to miss tumblr.
Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I'm gonna wear this again I'll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit
*Adding family on Facebook*  Before: Fuck bitches, smoke, drink!  After: I helped an old lady cross the street.
What's a rock group with four guys that don't sing? Mount Rushmore
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme? Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
IRS Agent: What's all this? Bracken:  Well you told me to bring all my records with me and I did.  Here's some by Willie Nelson Tammy Wynette and Garth Brooks . .  .
What do you call a herd of masturbating cows? Beef strokin' off
How Do You Make Spider-Man Cry? Cook him some Uncle Ben's
I tried water polo but....
They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes
What do /r/gonewild posters and cat owning redditors have in common? Both show pussy for karma.
UNCENSORED CARTOONS FUNNY CARTOON BUT NOT APPROPRIATE FOR KIDS
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? They're making head lines!
*holds up bread* this is my body *holds up wine* this is my blood *holds up an opened lap top* this is my sound cloud, please check it out
I support international women day! Because American women are so much less fun.
The Government Don't lie.. Don't cheat. Dont steal. Don't sell drugs. Don't kill. The Government Hates Competition
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
If the car in front of me were moving any slower, it'd be Paris Hilton's thought process.
What does a vegan zombie eat? GRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!!
We came, we saw... And we were told to get out of the girls' locker room.
What is similar about a twitch mod and an a reddit mod? &lt;message deleted&gt;
What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist? By selling your guitar.
Chuck Norris easily won the Iditarod dog sled race by pulling a sled load of 16 dogs, 800 pounds of supplies and with a dead sperm whale chained behind it.
Fucking in lifts is wrong on so many levels
If Europe uses euros shouldn't Africa use Afros?
Why is Epsilon afraid of Zeta? Because Zeta Eta Theta
"I've been a bad girl," she said. "I need to be punished." So I installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
A CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested this morning He was running a shell corporation.
How did people travel through Germany when Hitler was in power? Not sea. Get it? like Nazi. but not sea. get it?
What do the mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of tongue, and you're in deep shit.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine
Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM's to go public. I'm just kidding, don't do that shit. We'd kill you.
How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.
I hate being used as a thesaurus. A mate just asked another term for "monkey dung" and I went apeshit.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors' noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
There's a new morning after pill for men... ...you take it the morning after you have sex and it changes your blood type.
It's stupid that "girl" and "world" are rhymed together so much in songs when "squirrel" is right there for the taking.
Fear of hospitals isn't irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I've had a kid following me around calling me "mom" ever since.
Tuesday, aka Monday 2.0
The deadliest Knock Knock joke... [PERSON 1] Knock knock [PERSON 2] Who's there? [PERSON 1] You know... [PERSON 2] You know who [PERSON 2] AVADA KEDAVRA!!!
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
What do you call a terrorist cowboy? A jiiiiiihadist. Not sorry.
You know why was i mad after a half hour in the bathroom? i couldn't do shit.
What do tumblrinas do on Halloween? They go trigger treating
If you can read this You're not Floyd Mayweather
What side of a cake is the right side? The side that gets eaten because the other side is left.
I went to the zoo yesterday, but it was rubbish. All they had was one dog. It was a shitzu.
Stevie Wonder was in a horrendous car accident the other week. His life flashed before his ears.
What do Paul Walker and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall
Pun challenge My friend entered a pun tournament this weekend and had to submit 10 puns. When I asked if he won, he told me "No pun in ten did"
Why isn't there many Mexicans in Europe? BeCause it's to cold, long a swim
Why does the Buick Century have that name? It's the average age of someone who drives one.
I like my penises like I like my pizzas large with extra cheese
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex? Honey, I'm home!
I have a spoon devoted solely to peanut butter so things aren't really looking up.
"WAIT!" I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added "TUBE" so yeah, God exists.
What did the guy say to the funny drug dealer? "You really crack me up dude!" The drug dealer responds with: "How much?"
TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book Cost me a fortune in stamps
i'd tell a joke about a vampire but... it'll suck
I was reading in the paper that more people have been held at Gun Point this year than ever before. So why do people keep going to Gun Point?
Screaming, "Hitler and the Nazi Party are in a disarray!" when nudged at parties tells everyone that you fall asleep to the History Channel.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Why is Helen Kellers belly button bruised? Her boyfriend is blind too.
They say being gay isn't a choice but i *chose* to blow those dudes
Best anti joke ever Q: What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question? A:.........
I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run  and jump method.
Eating a Clock I tried eating a clock once, I wouldn't do it again. It was very time consuming.
What did O say to Q? Ya dick is hangin out.
When he died, Beethoven left something on his piano bench It was the same thing he left in his toilet: his last movement
Where does a Muslim learn to swim? Inshallah water.
Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
How do I tell a guy that I'm only interested in him because I'd like to take selfies with his puppy?
My most pretentious joke. Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? To whom.
I heard that Ireland is the richest country in the world.... Its capital has been Dublin for over a hundred years now.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder The bartender says, "Hey, that thing is cool - where did you get it?" The parrot replies, "Africa."
cnt wait to dress up as a windmill for halloween its never a bad time to teach ppl about renewable energy sources lmao
A man walks into a doctors with five penises, I asked him: "how do you put your trousers/pants on??" He said: "like a glove"
I don't hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.
Do blind people believe in love at first hear?
Heard my mom tell my dad to "stop tossing her salad" at the dinner table and now I can't look at either one of them without laughing...
B: Girl you so fine, I rate you a 9 3/4. G: Why? B: Because I wanna put myself in you. Harry Potter pickup line
She : I Love Kids He : I Love The Process
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
A man sees a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down a jail from a rope... ...he looks at him for a second, and says,"Well, that's a little condescending."
Why did the libertarian chicken cross the road? None of your damned business! Am I being detained, officer?
"Act your age!" I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I told my friends this story about an orca... It was a killer whale of a time
wanna hear a joke about my dick? nevermind its too long
What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm
"I Like My Drinks Like I Like My Women" Cold, Stiff, and been in the cellar for the past few years.
Oh look a Spider...... Oh look Listerine.... Oh look spider wiggling for life.... Minty fresh dead spider
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Do you know what's black and doesn't work? Decaf Coffee.
angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross mary: i have a boyfriend
The wages of sin is death But hey, at least I got a job.
Do these jorts stuffed with free breadsticks from Olive Garden make my thighs look oily?
My Favorite Blonde Joke Having sex with a blonde is kinda like sitting down onto a warm toilet seat. It feels nice, but you gotta wonder who was there before you.
I once had a girlfriend who had a lazy eye... I had to dump her because she was seeing other people.
How do you know your wife is getting vat... ... you have to switch off the light during sex. Not because she's ugly but because the bulb burns your ass.
Ferguson joke. Too soon? Black guy walks into a bar in Ferguson. Says to the bartender, "Give me a Michael Brown." Bartender says "Ok. Put up your hands." the gave him six shots.
Me: "I like you." Date: "I like you, too." Me: "Well this just got boring."
I just invented a word "Plagiarism"
SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can't get out of this room
50% of a woman's magazine is telling you to accept yourself - you're beautiful just the way you are! The other 50% is telling you how to lose 5 lbs in a week.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+.
Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? - A:  Because you can't bury them in the sky!
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I'm wrong, and I tell her she's right.
It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: "your turn"
how to find a girl in pic on Internet? don't find any result on Google
On a scale of 1 to Osama... How good was the hiding spot?
What is 6.9?
What did the camel toe say to the moose nuckle on New Years eve? Let's get toe up!
Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters? QT (cutey).
Doctor doctor No one believes a word I  say. Tell me the truth now what's your REAL problem?
Why is unprotected ear sex unsafe? You can get hearing aids.
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
I can't get into Breaking Bad because I have trouble remembering all the little facts. For example: the name of Walter's boss at the car wash. I just need to stop getting Bogdan in the details.
A Mexican gets deported.
What do you call a religious person who gets into x rated movies, but then stops watching them, but then starts watching them again later on? A porn again christian.
A pregnant woman came in looking for a girly stroller So I kicker her in the stomach.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, "K" so it must be pretty bad.
Did you hear about the bureaucrat who was a Platonist? They were really obsessed with forms.
please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff
What is Napoleon Dynamite's Favorite TV Dinner? Tot Pockets
I'm getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I've been to in the last week that's had "insufficient funds".
I wrote on my tinder that I'm 5 foot 2 and got no matches. Then I wrote that I'm just 1 foot and now I can pick and choose.
What do you tell a person who is about to jump off a bridge and commit suicide "Don't do it! You have so much potential"
Why didn't the Blonic Pig get a TV series of his  own? He made the mistake of going to a barbecue with the Bionic Man and the Blonic Woman.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? TEN-tickles TEN-tickles! I find it funny how most people say eight.
Deja Vu  When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I'm sure you already know, have a great time!
Why is Reggae so popular in Utah right now? Because it was popular in California 10 years ago.
My friend accidentally shot off three of his toes He told me to get him to a hospital, I told him "Sorry i'm Lack-Toes Intolerant".
It's all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you're too small to drag off the body.
I went to a zoo with only one animal in it. It was a shih tzu.
What do Jews call a lone rabbit? A rabbi.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles. I can't unsee it now
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day.
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar... With our age difference, I wouldn't be a cougar... more like a saber-toothed tiger.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys. EDIT: Holy crap! Front page!!!
There are two goldfish in a tank One fish turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive".
wander ten miles over the German border, shoot everybody in sight and then claim you were never over the line
I just poked myself in the eyes... I can't see myself doing that again anytime soon.
1. Be born of a virgin 2. Walk on water 3. Get crucified 4. Return from the dead 5. ??? 6: Prophet
How many eggs does a Frenchman need? One, because that's an Oeuf.
What black &amp; White and cool as f**k? A fridge with a leather jacket on.
What would a woodchuck do if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Go chuck itself of course.
World population:7,018,521,683....just in case some one starts feeling too important
#NAME?
don't get me wrong I love my life & family, but I'd trade it all IN A HEARTBEAT for the sweet parking spot I just saw this guy get at Costco
Whenever I rely on gravity, it lets me down. Every single time.
What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt can finish a race.
somewhere two teens in a love triangle are saying "she faves you, but she RTs me" to one another
WHY HAS THE COST OF BALLOONS INCREASED OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS?? INFLATION!
Why did Adele cross the road? So she could sing 'Hello from the other side'!
I just read a book about a girl who escapes from her parent's dispiriting home. It's a runaway best seller.
Cheese isn't just grate, it's legendairy.
Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp
All the letters of the alphabet line up in front of a prostitute A says, "Alpha queue".
Why didn't the Mexican go "bow hunting" with the Native American? He didn't Habanero.
What did the doctor say to the prosecutor? You're trying my patients!
TIL the propeller on a plane is a fan to keep the pilot cool When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating!
A towel walks into a bar... He orders a drink, and says "I'll have it dry."
Whats up r/jokes? Not march.
I like my women like I like my whiskey (NSFW) Aged 12 years and mixed up with coke.
What breaks when you give it to a baby? Its hips.
A man is on the roof of a tall building, he sees a group of marathoners down below the street, why does he jump from the building? Because the marathon was sponsored by Nike
Why is hockey a girls sport? Because it has periods
Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant.
The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants lost custody. Her child did not look surprised...
What's Snoop Dogg's favourite chocolate bar? Sniggas.
We should just name hurricanes after politicians. That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything.
A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon. All the inmates attend the service. The preacher opens with "It brings me joy to see you all here"
I'd tell you a joke about UDP.... But, I wouldn't know if you'd get it.
"President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?" The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
what base is it when he catches you sucking on a ketchup packet
A wind turbine's friend asks him what music he likes Wind turbine: "I'm a big metal fan."
What has 4 legs but cant move? A child born in Chernobyl, duh.
Obesity levels in the U.K. are rapidly declining. They're dropping pounds fast
If I was an alcoholic, I'd stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I'm the only person in my house who knows it exists.
Ea vs Christiano Ronald Whats the difference bewteen Ea and Christiano Ronaldo.  Ronaldo is Faster
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fool's prank feel? Dismay.
I just answered two Jeopardy questions in a row. This must be what Einstein must have felt like.
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
GOOD COP: He won't talk except in sign language BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I bet every time Beyonce leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Why did the chicken cross the road? For attention
Two pretzels were walking down the street... ...one was a salted.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
What is it called when a Jewish woman ovulates? An Eggsodus.
What turns a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Why can't women drive? Because there aren't any roads from the bedroom to the kitchen.
I'm sorry, everyone who wrote stay cool in my yearbooks
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him
How do cannibals pick up women? With a fork
What is it called when you throw a tin can into a recycling bin? A recycling TIN!
My 1 year old doesn't laugh when I fart. I can only hope his sense of humor grows more sophisticated with time...
The moments I'm not eating are somewhat torturous.
How did the swordsman keep annoying r/jokes? Constant ripostes.
How do you know when there's a lead singer at the door? The knocking is all out of rhythm, they can't find the key, and they never know when to come in!
*For Harry Potter fans* What language do UPS men at Hogwarts speak? Parcel-tongue
Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.
I'm rockin the 'Barbie doll' look today. No, I didn't dye my hair blonde. I did 4 pushups and now I can't unbend my arms
What batteries do turtles use? Durashells
A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.
Why was the mermaid embarrassed and crying in the classroom? She forgot her Algae-bra. Ha..
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The polar bear
Another way to get laid easily? Get a degree in journalism and become a game journalist.
Why does my computer keep saying hello? It's a Dell.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 3-year-old: A monster truck. I don't think insurance is going to cover that surgery.
I was in Starbucks the other day and I saw a guy who dropped his coffee on the floor by mistake..... I said to the man "wow, you actually dropped it like it's hot"
Did you hear the one about the Dyslexic bank robber H ran in to the bank with his gun drawn and yelled "Put your air up in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up"!
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly it in her ass.
My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.
If you hate crime... Is that a hate crime?
Why are there so many female archaeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
What's got 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard
Black people always name their kids things they can't afford La'Diamond, La'Mercedes, La'Phonebill
Why is Harry Potter better than Jews? He made it out of the chamber.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
The new Trump Administration is re-doing the voice mail prompts at the White House... Thank you for calling the White House. For English, press 1. &lt;silence&gt;
I just got back from a trip to Flint I went there to experience some Heavy Metal.
Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school? Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.
What do you put in a box to make it lighter? Courtney Love
Gay Jokes Aren't Funny. Come on guys.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Staple food to the ceiling
Two blondes were on an escalator in the mall, when the power went out. They had to wait 3 hours to be rescued.
What do you call a Texan who just had sex? A jolly rancher. Credit goes to my friend at school.
Why do cavemen drag their women by their hair? Because if you drag them by their feet their cunts fill up with mud.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? Hahahaa WHY!!??
Original Content. That is all.
Why dont my dick work? Ive been punching it for a good half hour now, and it still wont get a job.
I hope I don't have to face rich French Renaissance citizens as enemies in video games. They would be overpowdered.
I used to drive a Toyota.... .... But then I got a job.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
If you are skydiving and your parachute doesn't open, don't worry You've got the rest of your life to fix it.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger...
Imma be, I'm a be, I'm a be, Imma, Imma, Imma be... Just kidding, Imma wasp.
I was sitting in the library... I was sitting in the library when a black guy came up to me, asking "Where are the colored printers?" I said "Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want"
"You know why I pulled you over?" "Does anyone know why anyone's pulled over?" "Wow. You're free to go." "Is anyone free?" "Oh you're good."
What do you call the shiniest people? Polish
Raisins are like tiny senior citizens you can eat.
Gripe Sheet Fun - A Must read
Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
maybe the white peopel who are scared of immigrants are only scared b/c they kno what white peopel did when they first immigrated to america
I visited a Blonde Doctor recently she diagnosed me with Insomnia. Don't worry she said it wasn't anything to lose sleep over.
I feel bad for the homeless guy "I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever" -Norm Macdonald
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.
How fuckin' good do babies smell!? I wanna jam one up each nostril and rob a bank!
What do you call somebody who's attracted to vagrants? A hobosexual.
What do you call a car made out of Canadian money? A CADillac.
A Seahawk was offered some drugs... "I'll pass."
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam.
Since the Intel processors are named i3, i5 and i7... does that mean Intel can't even?
I ate a donkey steak today It tasted like ass
I've had a revelation from God himself! and he told me to share it with you all! It's hmm...ehhh... wait just a second, damn I think I have forgotten it! bah can't have been that important then
Customer: Couldn't you see I was going  bald? Barber: No the shine from your head blinded me.
Hookers should use laundry mats as fronts for their brothels They both charge by the load.
Picture the perfect woman. Wrong. You're a guy. You're always wrong.
Knock knock. Who's there? Allah. Allah who? Allahu Ackbar!!!!
What do a washing machine and a one night stand have in common? a washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you put a load in it..
The Australian Cricket Team.
Do you know why the self driving car crashed? It had a bad driver.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wassabee?!?!
Roses are Red Roses are red I'm feeling elated I'm doing Gisele My balls are deflated
You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don't, because your job is dull and no one cares.
What do you call a fight between two dairy products? A fromage fray.
What's difference between 10 dead babies and Lamborghini? I don't have Lamborghini in my garrage
Do you know a good veterinarian? Got asked this by a friend the other day. Hey, do you know a good veterinarian? &lt;he starts flexing his muscles&gt; 'cause these puppies are SICK.
What do you call a female accountant? An accountant you sexist fucker.
This is not a joke, just wanted to say this. A repost means nothing other than a Joke worth re-telling.
Whats yellow and survives on dead beetles Yoko Ono
[being robbed] Me: careful.. I'm ARMED *whips out bible Robber: lol *pulls gun out of bible R: oh *pulls smaller bible out of gun
They just discovered a lesbian dinosaur and are calling it... Lickalotapus.
How do you sink the Polish navy? Put it in water
I wish there was an app where I could point my phone at someone and find out exactly how much money they make.
I felt like dancing after mixing cheap rye with powdered orange drink I called it my Whisky Tang-o Foxtrot. Seriously, WTF was I thinking?
I won't be impressed with science until I can download a waffle.
Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something. So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".
TWA airlines flight Hostess asks "TWA coffe sir?" "I prefer T thanks!"
Does your girlfriend have 67 protons? I've heard she's a ho.
"I'm sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's head as it smacks into a car windshield on the highway? Its ass.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
what happens when a frogs car breaks down? it gets toad
Two scientists walk into a bar The first one says "I'll have an H2O" The second one orders a beer.
My girl's father said "YOU TOOK MY DAUGHTER'S VIRGINITY"! I replied, "Sorry. Won't happen again!"
How many psychologist does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb is going to need to change itself.
Happy Birthday Ray Rice! I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.
I thought the thieves stealing my dinner was bad But this one takes the cake
Knock Knock Who's there ! Boyzone ! Boyzone who ? Boyzone adventures !
What happened to the girl who went fishing with a group of men? She returned home with a red snapper.
So I'm dating this half-Korean girl... Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and her legs got ripped off in a car accident
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death...... ;-)
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out
Two wrongs don't make a right but two Wrights can make a plane.
Why don't lawyers play  hide-and-seek? Nobody will look for them.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Daughter asked me, "Dad, who is your favorite Queen?" I said, "Friddie Mercury" And another one bites the dust.
How do you keep an idiot busy for 3500 years? Give them a bible
"I" before "E", except after "C". That's an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep...efficient.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 12
What would you call a democrat and republican coming together as one in the bible? A Bernie Bush
The giant panda is no longer endangered... It's now extinct
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP? I WILL RAP! - how I threaten my kids
Step 1 to help stop a baby choking Take your dick out its mouth
What do a walrus and a Tupperware container have in common? They both like a tight seal.
"I never spit on the ground" "because it's the only one that always supports me" "wow, that's a deep thought" *"ptoo"* "AAH! MY EYE!"
Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows? TL;DR
Driving through a tunnel isn't much fun. It's really just a bore.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
My girlfriend keeps asking me to stop singing Wonderwall "I said maybe..."
What's the one kind of marriage that's still frowned upon in Alabama? Interracial
Most humor is funny, but, Vitreous Humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
Why did the Mexican throw his wife into the river? Tequila.
Why couldn't anyone catch the hippie? He was way to high, man.
Guys, you're spraying on too much. It's a reason the word "cologne" rhymes with "alone".
How do you get a frog out of a paper bag? Ripit
PEOPLE OF THE PLANE LISTEN TO ME WHEN THE SEATBELT LIGHT GOES OFF STAND UP IMMEDIATELY OR YOUR SPOT IN THE NON-MOVING LINE WON'T BE ASSURED
Whats The Difference.... ... Between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick down a girls throat.
*smashes bag of Oreos *pours on top of salad
Luke Skywalker uses the Force. The Force uses Chuck Norris.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ben Hur! Ben Hur who ? Ben Hur an hour - let me in!
Will was killed during his first battle with the US army His comrades got confused when their commander yelled: "Fire at Will!"
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
What do you get when a Game of Thrones character sets up your photo studio? Stark lighting.
I generally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this serving size suggestion tell me how to live my life.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[2005, youtube's first pitch meeting] ok so basicaly its like if america's funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer-- SOLD
If girls be trippin' as much as I'm told they are... They should go to the doctor to see if they have an ear infection.
Baby are you a library book? Because I'm probably going to forget about you under my bed until long after you're due.
To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we're pigs.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&amp;M factory? Because she threw away all the w's!
[job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon...
The word "Caesar" has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I hate it when I accidentally grab two pieces of pizza and then have to eat the whole thing to keep it even.
How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because PETA can't change anything. -A joke I found inside the game manual for Super Meat Boy for Steam.
What kind of bees make milk? Boobees.
A boy swallows a whole jar of coins... A boy swallows a whole jar of coins, and is taken to a hospital. When the doctor came out to speak with the parents, he said, "No change yet."
I got in touch with my inner self today... I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again
Died A man wanted to fart for very long but couldnt for one or another reason. Finally he gets to fart when he approaches home. He farts to bad that he died of his own fart.
Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles! Me: Which ones? Wife: BLTOUR & E Me: Well, that could spell trouble
What is the difference between a sociopath and a buddhist? A sociopath sees people as things; a buddhist sees things as people.
What's red and smells like blue paint?... Red paint.
Did you hear about the Mexican train robber? Apparently he had Loco motives.
What are the odds I could find the sum of numbers from 1-100? I'd say it's fifty fifty
Have you read the book "100-mile Horse  Trek" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore
Pirate Nuts Pirate walks into a bar. Bartender says "You know you got a steering wheel stickinn out of your pants?" "Aye! It's drivin me nutts."
Do you ever put an orange in your beer? Once in a Blue Moon
What do you call a room with no walls? A mushroom. Some people don't think that this is a joke. But it makes me rofl all over the place.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice...
In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it's been a long time coming
Stop smiling so big in every photo of you. You can't be that happy all the time. Smile like a normal person who isn't a raging psychopath
Why can't your jokes ever make NRA members laugh? Because jokes don't make people laugh, people make people laugh.
Instead of using "for example" I'll use things such as "such as", for example.
What do tight jeans and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom
IF YOU KIDS DON'T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Intellectual Property Carpe TM.
Quitting tobacco is not that hard I do it several times a year
Gays are fucking assholes.
My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there's no reason for me to be on antidepressants.
Racism is institutionalized throughout the US Why else would black history be celebrated during the shortest month!
My friends say I'm condescending... That means I talk down to people.
I tried a new asian burrito recently, but the green onions kept falling out. Curse those wrap-scallions!
This subreddit is literally full of Ellen Pao right now. Here's what I have to say about it [removed]
What tastes great on pie but bad on pussy? Crust
Things 2010 owes me: 1. Transporters 2. Jetpacks 3. Laser boobs
I cleaned my fan today The difference it made just blew me away...
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
In response to being asked if I had a good weekend: Days off are like blowjobs -- even the bad ones are good.
So aparently my local pub is haunted. Everyone keeps telling me the place is full of spirits.
How do you make a plumber cry? Murder his family
My films ended with the black and white era. The song-writers gone and the music-directors too. Noise rules.
So I was at a party, All the refreshments are lined up on a table; We're still waiting on the *punchline*.
How Gabe Newell counts to 10 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
In life, we should all aim to be like Italian meatballs. Well seasoned and well rounded.
Do you know what the strongest thing in the world is? Exlax, it's a laxative and knocked the shit out of super man
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
When I see a black guy in a suit I high five him & say "Innocent until proven guilty MOTHA FUCKAA!!!" Bc he probably just came from court.
Whats the difference between the English cricket team and a teabag? A teabag stays in the cup longer
Where does a bee put its stinger? In its honey
I think my gran has Alzheimer's. She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having sex.
What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso
Why don't elephants like penguins? Because they can't get the wrapper off.
What instrument does Mother Earth play? The Qatar.
Clinton goes around telling people we humans  are genetically 99.9% similar. Apparently the 0.1% is the character gene.
What's the main cause for pedophilia? sexy children
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying "Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart."
Happy Groundhog day, everyone!
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says 'Make me one with everything'.
I'd say go to hell, but I don't want to see you again.
fishing is like girls Neither care about size when they're sleeping
What happens when you drop a frying pan on a cake You get a pancake
What did one hat say to the other hat? You wait here, I'm going to go on a head.
Until you lean in to hear a seven-year-old's whisper, you don't realize that front teeth act as a retaining wall for spit.
Every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.
The contents of my son's last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I was gonna tell a gay joke... ~~butt fuck it.~~ though I decided not to because it would offend the members of the LGBT community.
Why don't tents have locks. Because black people don't go camping.
Me: C'mon, baby. Just the tip? Her: No! Me: Awww, cmon! Her: No, you're paying the whole bill this time.
I took a poop today that didn't flush... That shit was revolting.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches watches...
When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little knotsies!
Remember to make short sighted assumptions and rash decisions with almost no information today.
Helen Keller I pushed Helen Keller into a ditch in the middle of the woods, she screamed and screamed until her hands hurt.
Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff? She was wearing mittens
* Falls down rock face * Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely * Slowly reaches for pocket * Pulls out phone * Checks twitter notifications
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass  but you've only drawn the cow? Pupil: Yes the cow ate all the grass!
How do you catch a polar bear? Take a saw, cut a hole in the ice. Sprinkle peas around the hole. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole...
Sheep Jokes are baad.
There's a chef that doesn't bother putting gloves on before prepping his food Now he's got a lot more thyme on his hands.
lazy limerick there once was a man from na-fuck it
Kim Jong Un has become so fat We now refer to him as Kim Jong Deux.
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time
My dad on cheese Me talking to my sister: Me: don't you think you'll get constipated with all that cheese Dad: I don't think she'll give a shit
Why did the cynic fall asleep? Because he had a bed day.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church The priest says "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here". The Higgs Boson then replies "but without me, how could you have mass?"
HEY WE DON'T SERVE TACHYONS HERE! A tachyon walks into a bar
Seneca Falls
how many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh TEN TICKLES AHAHAHHAHAHAHA this is my favorite joke
What sort file do you you need to turn a 1.5 inch hole into a 4.5 inch one? A pedo-file.
Why did my family serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap for Christmas breakfast? Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Someone fell asleep next to me on the bus so I'm drawing penises on their forehead. Let this be a warning to all sleepy toddlers out there.
r/Jokes really made my day But that was month's ago. At least now when I come back I still see the same jokes.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?
Americans lost their racism just in time... ...for this beautiful colored christmas!
Your momma is like a shotgun... Two cocks and she's loaded
My wife sent me out to buy something that would make her look sexy. So I went to the store, and came home with a case of beer.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Have you heard the rope joke? Skip it.
Did you know the triathlon was invented by a gypsy He walked to the swimming pool and rode a bike home
I bet the butcher he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf, but he saidthe steaks were too high.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people's names.
I don't love being single but I do love being happy.
NSFW I got rejected from a job interview. Apparently, when asked an example you worked well in a team, "gangbag" is not an acceptable answer.
Why is ISIS so good at sports? Even in high-intensity games they always manage to execute
What do kings call musical chairs? A game of thrones.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the 'MarioKart Champion' tshirt return to security? There are several women here who'd like to have sex with you
What kind of pants to Mario and Luigi wear? Denim denim denim...denim denim demin I'll see myself out now...thank you
Acquaintances: "So what have you been up to?" What I hear: "Please explain yourself, we're trying to figure you out."
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I've got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I'll toss in an iPad.
What do you call a naked golfer? Off-putting.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ...bah dum tsh.
The punchline Did I ruin this joke?
Why did Jesus lose his Halo? Nobody wanted to play on his team any longer after he had a 0 and 2 kill/death ratio and it took him 3 days to respawn.
There were two chefs who got married, she was Chinese and he was German. They opened a restaurant together. The food is good, but a half hour after you eat dinner, you're hungry for power.
What's yellow and covers assholes? The Lakers uniform.
What's your best pedophile pick up line?
Why do bakers go into business? Because they knead the dough
As a white man I can't say the word Ni.... But I can say "thank you for the warning officer.."
Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses. Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.
What kind of bees hum and drop things ? A fumble bee !
Me: I wouldn't miss it for the world. Friend: It was yesterday.
Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road... ...that's the word on the street anyway.
just got up in the middle of breakfast and left my mom in the restaurant because she complimented this guys trump hat
Why did Hitler go to Sea World? To see Adolphin!
I played Lady Gaga at Texas hold 'em. I lost because I fucking suck at cards.
Teacher: What's 2 and 2? Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good. Pupil: Good? that's perfect!
Two peanuts where walking down the street... One was assaulted.
A man walks into a zoo. All he sees is a dog. What kind of zoo is it? A shit-zoo.
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run for president. Who loses? America.
What do you call the kid of an Iceland and Cuban parents? Ice cubes.
Why does Jesus suck at Call of Duty? Because it takes him 3 days to respawn.
My wife don't want to have anal sex Butt fuck her
Why did the chicken cross the street to get to the other side #rekt
Good girls go to heaven . . . bad girls make you feel like your there .
It's odd to hold a "World Series" and not invite other countries. But it's weirder to hold a "Miss Universe" and not invite other planets.
I tried 12 times to fit this joke in the 140 character limit, and I think I've finally done it. A caterpillar walks into a bar and says, "Wh
BREAKING NEWS Paula Deen's snack mix now contains "Brazil Nuts"
How many Dornishmen does it take to shoe a horse? Nine. One to do the shoeing, and eight to lift up the horse!
WinRar is not free software.
Why couldn't the orphan watch the movie? Because it was PG
LPT: Never buy anything made of velcro... It's a total rip-off.
My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. "Which one?" I replied, "Chris Jr, or the girl one?"
On your own, it's just near impossible to scrub your own back which is why a shower wall made entirely of loofah would really come in handy.
Why shouldn't you buy shoes off the street? They might be laced with something..
My friend David lost his I.D. Now we just call him Dave.
Had to have "the talk" with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.
What's the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.
Where do people with foot fetishes get their shoes? Footlicker
911 maybe too soon What's the difference between 911 and landscaping. Landscaping is an outside job sorry in advance ps I was the original poster of this
Bernie supporters voting for Trump isn't like drinking bleach, its like drinking castor oil... we know its going to be awful, but we have something we *really* need to get rid of.
Go into the confessional today and see how long it takes the priest to realize you're describing Batman's life.
My wife says I'm irresponsible with money! No change there then.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
someone just asked "how do u delete yo life" U CHEW ON A GRENADE WIT THE PIN OUT
Puns plz Someone throw shit out there for me to make puns with. A topic, or whatever, and I'll do my best. Anyone else can join in too.
Why do honeydew melons have to get married in a formal ceremony? Because they cantaloupe.
Have you ever eaten at a Native American restaurant? It's mostly corn...but you have to make a reservation.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day? A little otter
Somebody needs to wake up Green Day It's October 1st
Someone called me lazy today... I almost responded.
I would like to meet the man who invited beer. And buy that guy a beer. Edit: invented.
What does a negatively charged particle do when it gets excited? It gets an erectron.
I called my boss this morning... Me: Sorry, I'm not going to make it in today, I'm sick. Boss: How sick are you? Me: Well, I'm in bed with my mother.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years? Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My Dad use to tell me this one after he went through a divorce with my mom: "Do you know how I like my coffee? I like my women like I like my coffee..." Ground up and in a bag!!
A man like me is hard to find. I trim maze hedges.
Did you know that if Hillary Clinton is elected as the U.S. President, she would be the first president to have ever slept with another president.
A blonde and a burnette are on opposite sides of a river... The burnette yells to the blonde "how do I get to the other side?" The blonde yells back "you are on the other side!"
What do you call a movie set during a woman's menstral cycle? A period piece
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A Victoria's Secret commercial will always come on when you're elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Before there was roofies, a caveman would just club a bitch and take her home. That's why they call the hook up spot "The Club"
What was Hitler's favourite computer game? Mein Kraft
My neighbors look so happy. We can fix that.
Fat Lady vs Old Maid What is the difference? One is trying to diet, the other is dying to try it!
What did the teenage boy who was jerking off in his room say when his mother called? One second mom, I'm coming!
Roses are red, violets are blue... I've got no girlfriend, so porn hub will do.
I walked into a bar tonight carrying some jumper cables... Bartender told me not to start any shit in here!
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?" Me: "I can't say I do." Therapist: "That's one of them."
It's called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Him: You'll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I wasn't sure if I'd find deer out here, until... I saw a sign that said 'Fine for Hunting.'
My iWatch says I masturbated for 6 miles today!!
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland The barman says "Not Yewtree again"
Bicyclists, it's one thing to hog the road, but it's quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
What happens to male anarchists as they get older? They go from having anti-state issues to having prostate issues.
Me: *does interpretative dance Translator: *does translation dance Chief: *does interpretative dance Translator: *does translation dance
They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.
I'll never get picked for jury duty because I'd be the one on trial.....
I like my coffee like I like my women Cinnamon roasted, french pressed, with bit of sugar, and I'll add my own cream.
MORON joke Why did the moron think his girlfriend was into metal? He found steel wool pads in her bathroom.
An Irishman walks out of a bar..
What's your favorite genre of music? "Not Metal."
What's the us army tanksman's favorite song? "Tanks for the memories"!
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy's salad and then eat all my kids' fries.
Teachers in school told me I wouldn't amount to anything, now i'm laughing all the way to the bank... To dispute my most recent overdraft fee
I found out the other day my sister was arrested for bestiality Well, just call me a monkey's uncle.... Credit to Stewart Francis
Are you cold? You should go to the corner, its ninety degrees over there.
What did the seamen say to each other when they entered a deep dark cave? Smells fishy
Why did the Baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrarri? Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
Why would you ever "brave" the cold when you can "complain about" it?
I don't know why some people are so against jokes about the Nazi's They kill in the Jewish communities
No, Karen .... Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Why aren't cowboys circumcised? So they have somewhere to put their dip at lunch.
The DJ just asked me "How low can you go..." So I slept with his wife and took custody of his kids.
Did you know that calculus was never taught in southern schools before the 1960s? They didn't believe in integration.
I tried to stop cussing for like five months... But I said fuck it.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I want to write a Choose Your Own Adventure where half the choices lead to a page that just says "Really?"
Why did the ghost go to the bar? For the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOze
What's the hardest part of a vegetable? The wheelchair.
What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea? Nah. I'ma stay.
What do you NEVER call a black man? a friend
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have Cotton Balls
What do you call the sweat on your balls after sex with your cousin? Relative humidity.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart? Because noble gases are nonreactive.
Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.
Take me down to Orion city... where the girls are green and the grass is pretty.
What present did the kid with no hands get? Gloves. Ha! Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened it yet.
I had to return those books on Middle Eastern agricultural products. They were past the Dubai dates.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar The bar tender looks at him for a few seconds and finally says " alright, you can stay..just don't start anything"
It's not 'stealing tweets' if you believe in recycling.
What do you call a hot girl in Germany ? Tourist
What's the difference between an infinite line and an infinitely large circle? There is no difference. The joke is you just learned math.
Q: What do bees do if they don't want to drive? A: Wait at the buzz stop.
[META] Ever since the sub returned, it's become a hive of circlejerking, reposts, and bad quality. I'm so happy things were able to stay the same.
Rape Such a short word for such a long sentence.
I'm going to do my Christmas shopping in Missouri. I hear the deals are so hot the stores are practically on fire!
Why didn't Steven jobs get treated for cancer? an apple a day keeps the doctor away
Germany Vs Brazil Guess we can say it wasn't even klose.
I woke up with just my arm in hospital Hospital is a weird name for a dog
Wifi was down so had to talk to my gf. She seems nice.
Did ya hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated RRRR!
Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it! \- George Carlin
What does a baby look like in a microwave? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
A haiku about early morning starts... No no no no no No no no no no no no No no no no no
When your wife says "It's up to you", it's not.
phones are so much more than just phones nowadays, like they can also be napkins, or paper towels, or tiny depression machines, or napkins
Q: Why did the farmer feed his cows money? A: He wanted rich milk.
My oldest is 14 today. Daddy's baby is growing up. Soon she'll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.
My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time. You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew.
My grandma always said slow and steady wins the race. She died in a house fire.
I come from a musical family. Even our sewing machine was a singer.
haha remember when you were a kid you'd hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can't do that as an adult. someone's stupid kid is in there
What Bible verse keeps every student going? Lunch 11:35.
What do you get when you have a midget fortune teller on the loose? A small medium at large.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave because they are now aware of the added danger that has been added to the environment.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism *resents you for the next 50 yrs
My daughter asked if I am going to die someday I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life." She looked relieved.
I just got back from a bulimic disco The place was heaving!
Whats black and doesn't work ? Decaf Coffee ..... you fucking racist.
[NSFW] Why did the lesbian couple travel through Europe? So the could fuck abroad.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up... Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee? A. Banned from the Zoo.
My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.
Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like "oh, well look who it is" and I'd be like "it's me Karen, I'm your daughter"
My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said I wouldn't need a small loan of a million dollars
Are you the square root of -100? Cause you're the only 10i see.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
What do you get when you make a scarf out of a cat? A Neko.
It's not gay if it's for a Klondike Bar.
I'm so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I'm not sure which is worse: People who force their religion on you... Or Anyone who's ever said "Oh it's because I'm a Virgo."
Me: What did you do at preschool? 3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time. Me: 3-year-old: I need to lie down.
How did the hipster burn her tongue? She ate her soup before it was cool
If they hadn't scored that one goal, I was going to suggest renaming the country Bra-zilch.
A notorious card sharp was found dead last night. He'd been clubbed on the heart with a diamond spade.
What do you call a slow transgender? Translate.
During Peter Andre's early acting career he decided to get rid of the X at the end of his name... He was only getting shit rolls.
It's all shits and giggles until........ someone giggles and shits
I found an old unframed oil painting in my loft yesterday of a beautiful naked lady so i mounted it
When you order a cocktail at a gay bar what do you get? A dickbutt.
Knock Knock, Who's there? Fuckin' Jenny. Now gild me and give me upvotes.
What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce? Chicken sees-a salad
I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette. The police arrested her for waving a firearm.
*opens kitchen drawer* Me: Whoa, what's with all the whisks? Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Why do Catholics not fight during church? Because Mass-Debating is wrong (read it out loud)
"I started talking to this girl and it was going really well until.... our mom called us in for dinner." -Josh Duggar
"Where was you at?" I was probably not skipping English class.
Why did the punk-rocker cross the road? He had a chicken stapled to his face.
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing. Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.
One good thing about premature ejaculation is that porn lasts you a very long time. I bought a video back in 1992 and I still haven't made it past the FBI warning thing.
I didn't know about Reddit in college That's how I graduated
Don't try this at home. If homeless, go for it!
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles
please, Frankenstein was my creator's name; call me The Monster
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a hoarder and then I think,"No. But I should probably keep these used band-aids just in case."
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
3 things you never get back : A word after it's said Time after it's passed Your pen if I really like it
Why did the SSD burn a flag? Because it was a Patriot Blaze
I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in *stable* relationships!
Why can't Sean Connery read November? Because he hasn't Read October.
*on a first date* Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret
ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one. HER: I don't think you get what a tornado watch is.
Einstein's mother asks him "are you happy." Einstein replies "relatively."
Monica Lewinsky's favorite Green Bay Packer? Clinton-Dix
Your mother is so poor she can't even pay attention.
Why is that cotton candy talking? Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj.
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill... ^please ^don't ^kill ^me
I like my women how I like my video on VLC player always on top
whips out Motorola razr and texts mom "drive me to hot topic or none of my friends will love me"
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I'm crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Best joke ever Women's rights
What's the difference between dads and boomerangs? The boomerangs always come back.
Where do male army priests live? On Chap Lane.
BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&amp;M Library burns to ground... Both books were completely destroyed. The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.
The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day? ...just think about it.
Why should you never BBQ on your roof? The steaks are too high. ^I'll ^see ^myself ^out
I made my wife chuckle with this joke Now she's back to being Barbara.
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his butt
Why does Bernie Sanders use Snapchat? Damn E-mails!
Two things you should never do: 1. Run with scissors 2. Scissor with the runs
Bad Joke? What did the 2 sundaes say to eachother? I wish it was SUNDAY
I made a Starbucks barista cry I put my name down as Dad and he stood there calling it over and over again with no reply.
what did one prick say to the other prick? nothing they were both stuck up cunts
How do you catch a unique rabbit? *unique* up on it!
What city would you be in if you dropped your waffle on the beach? ....Sandy ego.
My friend told me she has herpes. I told her it's not the end of the world, just a few bumps in the road.
What's Hitler's favorite part of a golf course? The bunker
*knock* Who's... *knock* Who's... *knock knock* Who's there? *knock knock knock* Who... *knock knock knock knock knock* Piss off, Fibonacci!
Catch 22: I bought a protein shake but am not strong enough to twist the cap off.
What do you call paying for services with a blowjob? A package deal.
What do you call emigrates of Sweden? Swedouts.
I broke up with my Gym.... We were just not working out.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
What do you call an Irish basketball player with a sore back? Hunch-black of Notre Dame
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.
[Job interview] -Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair? Sorry. I didn't think we started yet.
"Goodnight moon." *Moon takes out one earbud* "No, Pepsi is not ok."
So my girlfriend asked me the other day "Don't you know where the G Spot is?" And I said yeah of course I know where the G spot is. It is between the F Spot and the H spot.
I've realized that women don't necessarily care what I have to say, they just want to hear what they have to say repeated in a deeper voice.
Epilepsy joke What is blue and does not fit? A dead epileptic.
Who is always your friend at school? Your princi-pal.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don't know exactly what she's planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My favorite one liner Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.
If I don't make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die. - the lady in front of me
Why shouldn't you argue with a 90 degree angle? It's always right.
What's your stance on public intoxication? Mine is very wobbly.
I'm so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I was in the world trade center and always wondered why planes get bigger and bigger as they get closer and closer. And than it hit me.
When I was a kid I was a sore loser... ...,I cried every time my dad beat me.
I went out with a girl the other night who turned out to be really weird I guess the fact that she said she was a communist should have been a big red flag
I was very tired and needed recovery The cat looks so tired and need recovering his body with watch Television
black turf what do you call a black guy buried from the neck up Afro turf
What did the seaweed say when it was in trouble? Kelp me!
Ok how about a nail polish line for office ladies with colors like Legal pad, Non-dairy creamer, Mug stain, Excel, Boss neck...
If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it.
My friend thinks he's smart He said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
What Is The Best Boxing A Mexican Does? A: Oranges.
What do you call a lot of cactus? A cac-ton
I put my Grandma on speed dial.. I call that Instagram
I'm the skeptical guy in the infomercial audience. I didn't believe a $20 food chopper could be such a good value. guess what. I was wrong.
My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later. "This parrot hasn't spoke a single word." She complained. "I haven't had a fucking chance to!" Replied the parrot.
What kind of Pokemon hides in the bushes outside of delis? Peek-a-Jew
9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!? Yo, evolution: You missed one..
The Mets got Royally screwed....
I hate those stupid Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves!
The physics teacher break up with the biology teacher Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news The struggle Israel
People with epilepsy see the opportunity And they seize in it.
"Do you have any children?" Hannibal: "Freezer. Bottom, right."
Top 3 lies told by Wyoming cowboys 1) I own this truck. 2) I won this belt buckle in a rodeo. 3) I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
What's the best time to buy a bird? When it goes cheep!
*tweet gets 3 rts* please no autographs
Is lunch the favorite subject of piglets?  No it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.
Just took one of those "Which Movie Character Are You?" quizzes and found out I'm the plastic bag from American Beauty.
If Russia were to invade Turkey from behind... Do you think Greece would help?
Found $0.83 under my pillow. It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I'm a little worried about what I was paid for.
A friend asked me what's my best American impression... "I don't want to go to the doctor because it's too expensive."
Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.
I'm having mixed feelings about that garlic diet... So far, I've lost 6 pounds and most of my friends.
I like my women like I like my wine. 10 years old and in the cellar.
I worry that if Nike sponsored a Suicide Prevention Day event... ...the words "Just Do It" would be everywhere.
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies? A fart. *dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
What is worst then a repost???
A cowboy goes to the barber. When the barber is done cutting his hair, the cowboy goes back outside. And guess what? Pony gone.
I like my coffee like my politics... I don't like coffee.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
I only work because it feels so good when I stop.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it's perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach's.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
A priest, a pedophile, and a pervert walk into a bar And he orders a drink
What do Hurricane Irene and Kim Kardashian have in common? They blow the whole east coast and there's videos online.
While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train... She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow," I said, "You can speak English?" "Just a riddle," she said.
(Date) "What's wrong?" Oh nothing I'm just a nervous hummer "Aw how cute!!" *perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
What does Mr. Miyagi do while Daniel-san waxes the car? He wax off.
How do fish make calls? On a shellphone! My 7 year old self was very proud of coming up with this one....
Whats the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fell out of a window
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it's important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they're all wearing the same thing again
Why can't Casper have kids? Cause he has a Halloweenie
Did you hear the story of the Rabbi who lifted his synagogue into the air with a bunch of balloons? He brew up.
What did the Buffalo say when his child left for college? Bison
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons. At least that's what I had to tell child services just now.
Got an email from an airline inviting me to"Discover America". I've replied with a link to the Wikipedia page about Christopher Columbus.
Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.
If my girlfriend slept with the whole Wu-Tang Clan, we'd have to break up because I wouldn't be cool enough to date her anymore.
A man and a little boy walk into the woods... the little boy says, "It sure is dark and scary!" The man looks at the boy and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone!"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom? Because they're extinct
Explosive knock knock joke "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Allah" "Allah who?" "ALLAHU AKBAR!"
Why did the zombie not eat your brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.
Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
2 guys with Alzheimer's. "I'm off to go get some ice cream, do you want some?" "Yeah sure" Shortly later, he returns. "Here, I brought you your fish" "Fish!.............. where's my fucking chips."
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... http://instantrimshot.com/
Kanye West can't wait to be the best man at his wedding.
[pulled over] COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car? ME: no COP 2: told you he was a nerd ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs COP 1: lol gotcha
What do you give an elephant with big feet ? Plenty of room !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bully ! Bully who ? Bully Jean is not my lover !
Just changed my Facebook name to No one' so when.. Just changed my Facebook name to No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say No one likes this'.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese woman run over by a steamroller? One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian.
A guy says to the other... "Marriage has taken all the joy out of sex." "How so?" "You know, there is always the terrifying chance of my wife coming home."
God's first concept for a long-necked quadriped was just a rough giraffe.
Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression. Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.
I found out today it's OK to date a nun.... You just can't get in the habit!
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhoea? The farmer shucks between fits.
What kind of bees make milk? boo-bees  (boobies)
Whats the difference between pizza and your opinion? I only asked for pizza.
Never pretend to be something you're not. Unless you're pretending to be sober, in which case that's probably a good idea. Keep doing that.
My credit card company is super nice, they really help boost my self esteem... They always tell me I have an outstanding balance!
if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say "i too am a spooky ghost"
These days its all about finding the woman you want to divorce after your kids go to college.
What's the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber in
What's the bright side of being knocked unconscious and raped? At least you get to start with an anonymous tip.
What do you call gigabytes in Africa? They can't afford computers in Africa.
Sir you haven't touched your custard. I'm just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline !
I keep missing my ex-girlfriend. But my aim is getting better.
How I would kidnap pedophiles. Have a white van advertisting free kids.
What's the definition of "Tender Love?" Two gays with hemorrhoids. 
What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?
Know what they call the useless skin around a vagina? A woman.
Late Night Murder What did the killer say after murdering the talk show host? "Badam Tish"
[astronaut test] Before you begin, questions? [hand raised] "Is it true the moon is cheese?" Are you that damn mouse again? [mouse runs out]
Does /r/Jokes know any good braces jokes/puns?
What do you call a laxative candy on a stick, being eaten by Shirley Temple? The good shit lollipop.
What is a sure way to get a girl at a bar? Order a Cosbypolitan cocktail
In an ideal world, a "Laser Jet" would be something to vaporize aliens with and not a fucking type of printer.
What do you call a group of invading pirates? An **Arrr**my
ATTENTION EVERYONE IN THE WORLD: I can tell you exactly where you got your shoes! No foolin' On your feet. duh
What do Romans say when their wives run away? Caesar!
Plot twist Standing next to my stalkers bed watching him sleep
Me: I have a younger sister but she's nothing like me. Him: Wow, she sounds perfect.
I'm wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result but I still get up every morning.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? Your calves!
Why do porn stars make terrible boxers? Because they don't know how to make a proper fist.
What did the ireshmen say to the beer ? I love you.....
The hardest part about being a kick ass dude is wiping the poo from your kick ass boot after a hard day of work.
Girl Horribly Rejected https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va9sVhWuAv8&amp;feature=youtu.be
I met this super nice girl on tinder...
Q: Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake came out of the girl.
What do you name an African tech startup? Double Click! (Okay, Khoisan only.)
I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.
Have you heard of the restaurant on the moon? great food, no atmosphere
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans can't milk a cow for 12 years I'm sorry
Steve Irwin lived like he died... ...with animals in his heart.
"I'm on my way." -People who haven't even left the house yet.
I installed skylights in my home, ...the people that lived above me were furious.
I used to think I was indecisive... but now I'm not so sure.
What Does an Angry Sheep Say in Battle? Fus Ro BAAAAAAAA.
My body is well defined. Look up the word "Flabby".
Many burn victims are not very attractive, But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.
There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Please don't get me wrong, but I like to see people dying Seeing their hair become blonde is really awesome.
Why didn't the boxer cross the road? He didn't want to be part of a bad punch line.
I heard Sean Connery's great grandpa was hung for lese-majeste. God, shave the Queen.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Water boarding People who have been waterboarded are hipsters, because they got into pouring water on there head, before it before it was, cool...
If you're a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?
Who won the first Tour de France? I don't know his name, but I know he was in a German tank.
Joined a street protest. Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running. 3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
How is a woman like a condom? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!
The current state of the Canadian economy. This is /r/jokes right?
What is it called when someone overdoses on ecstasy? Kill-joy
In 1940 Goebbels made a speech... Proclaiming that the Swastika was an example of the Golden Ratio. Turns out it was a fibbin' Nazi...
Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else's business.
What's 12 inches and white? Nothing.
I memorize Presidential Candidate speeches And Hillary's is hardest to get down PAC
Dozens of Foxnews employees found dead in horrible murder spree! They were in the Kentucky Church in Kingsman! /(this joke makes sense if you have seen the movie)
A fly walks into a bar... and asks: "Is this stool taken?"
Jesus fed 5000 people with one fish. Holy mackerel.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Didn't realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby's room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
It's hard dating a snowman... His parents will never warm up to you.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.
We can talk about either delegates or blowjobs, but a Clinton will always get one or the other under the table.
Grandma is doing her best to stay cool. She signed up for some hip surgery.
I once had a voice like Justin Bieber. Then I turned 4.
What's the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician? The extrovert looks at the other person's shoes.
I celebrate International Women's Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their 'JUST FOR MEN' products while screaming: "NOT TODAY!"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Arbus ! Arbus who ? Arbus leaves in 5 minutes ?
I'm told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn't wear certain things anymore - like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
How do cats eat spaghetti ? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
At this point journalism school probably boils down to, "Just say what everyone tweeted."
What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? "Is it mine"?
Yo momma so fat She has a hard time breathing and walking because of her obesity.
I told my girlfriend that I am over my ex... I don't have to feel guilty anymore.
Who let the dogs out? Sansa Stark
How many fuck boys does it take to change a light bulb? None, cause its already lit as fuck fam.
Did you hear about the man who jumped in the  Hudson River? He committed sewercide.
What did one motherfucker say to the other motherfucker? Hows it going motherfucker
I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.
Why did sumo wrestlers start shaving their legs? To stop getting confused as feminists
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
What did a German say to a Jewish man when he sneezed? Gesundheit
What would New Zealand be called if it had a fascist government? Not Zealand.
What did the Third Reich say when they fired Hitler? "You're ladolf."
"Let's walk over there" "ok" -couple a cows
What did the octopus make for desert? ...Octopie
What is Hitler's favorite video game? Grand theft Otto
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Wanna hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.
If I had a dime for every time I quoted the movie Blazing Saddles... I would have a shitload of dimes.
What's the most popular contraceptive in Israel? Iron condome
The most well known activist in the bee community is Bill Cause Bee.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he's taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Greek Life Q: Why did the young Greek boy run away from home? A: He was not being reared right!
What's worse than passing out and waking up after a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
Sometimes I get scared robots are going to take over. Then I use a motion-controlled sink.
Why is the rainbow a symbol of homosexuality? Because there is a pot at the end of it.
Two guys walk into a bar... The third one ducks.
Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It's weird "You can secretly watch Netflix at work" Oh, please take literally all of my money.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee... ~Kids
I had a dark bump on my arm checked out at my ontologist... I tried to get a diagnosis but instead he went on about reality and existence.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and agnostic? Someone who stays up wondering if there is a dog.
My wife told me she would leave me if I didn't stop cheating on her Damn, I never thought she took a card game this seriously.
Hey did you hear about the fire at the circuis? It was in'tents'
What do you call a black guy in outer space? An astronaut you racist bastard.
Margret Thatcher Walks Up to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter looks at her and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
What do you call Annoying Orange and his gang having sex? An Orangy
Me: Have you ever heard of the movie "Constipation"? You: Um.. no Me: Thats because it hasn't come out yet!! lelelelelelelelelelelelololol
I heard that a few of the /r/Science mods also moderate /r/Jokes... [deleted]
The Detective Who was the first electricity detective? Sherlock Ohms
What do you do when you miss your ex? Reload and shoot again.
I'm not worried at all about this Ebola crisis. I've just purchased the new 2015 edition of Norton Antivirus. Feeling pretty smug.
I bet that TV in hell consists only of Progressive and sad animal commercials.
Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from? Papa whale: From my penis. Whale junior: Umm thanks? Papa whale: You're whalecum
My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?" "Led Zeppelin," I replied. "Who?" he said. "Yeah, I liked them too."
Why do hurricanes have women name? Because they take away your house, your car, your furniture and everything you have.
What has 2 legs but can not walk? A cripple.
I love money. I set it free and it didn't come back. Relationships are hard.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill* Wife: Don't you think that's too much? It's just us and the kids. Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Where do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
A couple were french kissing, then the guy looks at the girl and says " I think I swallowed your gum" Nah, says the girl, I just have a cold.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that's only 15% miracle JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
What do you call a conservative toothbrush that won't shut up? Brush Limbaugh
I don't trust people with graph paper... They're always plotting something.
Why is it OK to wash an American flag in hot water? Because these colors don't run.
Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?
A joke about Chinese censo...mods [removed] [no-explanation] [wewillfindyou]
which Baldwin went to school? The smart Alec.
Please don't dress like a slut unless you're really a slut...It's very confusing to us guys.
What did the bra say to the top hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
Did you hear about the mass shooting at the thrift shop? The killer was said to be goodwill hunting.
What is the best "white people" joke you know (possibly NSFW) I can't recall ever hearing any white people jokes. Anyone have any?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? *Fish.*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I'm not sure why my girlfriend got mad at me for busting a nut. It's not like I could eat it with the shell on.
My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship. I still wish she didn't have one. &amp;nbsp; EDIT: to draw attention to new Gender Studies section in comments.
[job interview] "Tell me a strength." I'm a decision maker. "Excellent. How about a weakness?" I'm a bad decision maker.
Soon after we find out Bruce Jenner wants to be a woman, he gets into a car wreck Really getting into character I see
What do you call the piece of plastic behind the windshield in an Iraqi car? A Daeshboard
With medical advances over the Summer, it's expected that Oscar Pistorious will walk this August.
Why doesn't Switzerland make good cars? You can only put them in neutral. edit:pronouns
Who is the Gorillas' favourite President of  recent years? Hairy Truman!
What does a man eat when he cannot run off with his girlfriend? Cantaloupe
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your Random Party Pics' album at 4am.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend] *professional stuntman do not attempt*
I am a male who goes through monthly week long periods..... of unrest while my wife is on her menstruation cycle.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629"
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? Hand the bitch a shovel
I tried to make a tiny blueberry pie But it ended up being a little tart.
What is the name of the restaurant chain that serves sushi burritos? Japotle.
While having dinner, the dad scolded at his son: "If you continue talking about crap during the meal, I'll slap the shit out of you"
It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.
-I heard this dog was chipped. -Microchipped sir. -I don't care how small the chip is, I'm not paying full price.
What do you get when you cross The Atlantic with The Titanic? About halfway.
She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.
What s the difference between toilet paper and toast? Toast is brown on both sides.
Why do shower heads have 11 holes? Because -(insert group of people associated with the holocaust)- only have 10 fingers.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade, killing 50 people... Then the grenade exploded.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair ? Virgin Mobile
What is the syndrome that endangers the dental well-being of over-anxious or stressed-out LGBT's? brucism
If procrastination was a course offered at school I'd get an "i" for incomplete.
I hate how Apple took away the headphone socket all willy-nilly It's like it means jack shit to them
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool Turn it upside down
What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive? Trying to get out of his grave.
What do Mexicans cut their pizzas with? Little Caesars
How does Donald Trump get the dishwasher going? He pushes Melania out of bed.
Why do handicapped people wear shoes? Because if they didn't their local gas station would turn a blind eye.
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? One is a little heavier and the other is a little lighter.
007 then and now 007 then: Shaken not stirred. 007 now: Trimmed not shaved.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings. - Reasons why I drink
How do you stop a nuclear bomb from squeaking...? ...WMD40.
What did Ron Burgandy say when he dropped his waffle on the beach? Go fuck yourself sandy Eggo
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology... ...has always been my Achilles' elbow.
This week is Frankenstein's birthday surely he'll throw a monster party
Q: Why don't blonde's like audio-books? A: There aren't any pictures.
A very drunk man walks into a bar He yells: two large beers and a packet of crisps please! Lady: sir, this is a library. Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!
A bear and a rabbit are pooping next to each other. The bears asks: "Does your fur stick to the poop?" The rabbit replied with: "Of course not." Then the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
My boss said "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have" Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger & write "WASH ME" on her face.
Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Give a man a gun Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They both get clubbed by Norwegians...
My date told me I have nice skin. It's not like he's gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Free
I treat my wife the same way I treat a bottle of ketchup... I always take the top off, flip it upside down, and hit it has hard as I can.
TIFU And by I, I mean Ellen Pao.
What did the neurotic pig say to the  farmer? You take me for grunted.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
In memory of Arnold Palmer, I wore my golf underwear today... ...the one's with 18 holes. (Too soon?)
A fella visited his doctor and says " hi doc, I'm totally depressed and suicidal because I can do crosswords very easily and quickly" Doctor says " hey come on now, don't get two down"!
Biochemists at Chipotle have discovered a way to defeat ISIS militants without any civilian casualties Free Burrito Bowls.
What do you call... What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs? A small arms dealer.
The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart.. ..about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.
Three Nuns Walked Into A Bar The fourth one ducked.
Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind
Went bass fishing the other day Caught a subwoofer this big!
Suicide bombers They're a dying breed.
My dad drowned while at work in a vat of cake mix I know it sounds unlikely but there were some very strong currants
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
"Stuff that alligator in that dolphin" - God creating sharks
What's the worst thing for a cannibal to say to a friend? Your family has impeccable taste.
Q: Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover? A: When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum. **X-post : /r/ScienceHumour**
Why did Jesus stop playing hockey? Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.
What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone didn't pull it out in time.
What does a Necrophiliac have when he is turned on? Mourning Wood
What do you call a disabled Lego? An O.
I had lunch at Uri Geller's house the other day... It was terrible. I ended up with soup all down my front.
Why do SCUBA divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat!
My Dermatologist makes $60 a Pop !
What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job? Bring Your Kid to Work Day
Which is the most religious vegetable? The Pope-tato
(BAD JOKE) Did someone say pretzels? Yes, you just did
Pick up line for fat chicks "Hey girl, put down that cupcake, you're already too sweet."
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? A: Nacho Cheese.
Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
What do you call a little Mexican? A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.
What did the racist cannibal have for breakfast? Nigger-o's
Why was the computer programmer single? Because he couldn't commit.
Why did Donald Trump cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
I'm off to a 3yr olds party. There'll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I installed some new Humbuckers on my guitar. Now the ladies call me a pickup artist.
Why don't mexicans have checking accounts? It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.
What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms? Whatever you want
Why are Reebok Pumps shoes so expensive? Inflation.
If you want to stop a bad habit... eat a cyanide capsule
What is black and doesn't work? Decaf coffee.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I'm wondering how much money I spent last night.
Give a man a plane ticket... Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
What you call a responsible porn star? Fistfully conservative!
A Czech one: God is carrying a bag of dicks... ...when he suddenly trips over a rock and all the dicks fall out. He gets pissed off: "I'm not going to pick them up, Prague's going to be here!"
[job interview] "Why do you want to leave your current job?" My boss is a total idiot "It says here you're self-employed?" Yes that's right
I can't remember a time I wasn't waiting for my next meal to start
It's like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.
I don't know why hippies made such a big deal out of it... all their records were groovy. All of them. -your dad
Did you hear about the terrorist on the talent show!? apparently he blew the judges away!
after watching the Cricket for a few hours I think I finally understand it they make that noise by rubbing their wings together
A horse walks into a a bar The bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse replies "My alcoholism is destroying my family" I'm here all week folks
Sometimes I just sit in the Target parking lot blasting "Gangstas Paradise" out of my Prius.
My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.
How do black people like their eggs? Poached
What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?
I wonder if my first cat appreciates being at least slightly immortalized in my passwords.
My Jewish girlfriend left me for a black man. Nigga stole my kike.
Who was the chicken's favorite musician? BAAAACH BACH BACH BACH
Obama in Berlin joke President Obama in Berlin outlining that maybe massive walls and state spying are not so bad after all.
What's the difference between GOP voters and polar bears? Polar bears gather around the ice hole.
A grasshopper walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "Hey - we've got a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says, "Oh? An Irving?"
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' That was nice...
I tried out to be a porn actor today, I was told I was under-qualified.
Whenever you're feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Islam is a religion of peace. Piece of you over here, piece of you over there...
Zeroing a scale is a tare-able decision . . . I'm sorry
What pokemon spys on you while he has a cold? Peek achoo!
[interview] "Describe yourself in 5 words." me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.
It's hard being a single mother If you're a teenage boy without kids
What do you call a cow masturbating? Beef stoken-off
Ramen Noodles are like Masterbating When you finish, you feel guilt and regret.
What is it called when weather in Central America breaks the news? A topical climate.
I like my woman like I like my cheese... White American.
The militia had killed my entire family and left me for dead. Thank God for Buzzfeed's 17 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
I wanted to be a Ninja, so I googled "Ninja school" I followed the link to their website, and it said "Page cannot be found" WOW, these motherfuckers are good.
I've been teaching myself giutar I still get the U and I mixed up sometimes but I'm getting pretty good..
What is the most recycled joke that keeps getting used? Your mom.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
What Nationality has the easiest time learning sign language? Italians.
"U can legally stab someone if u suspect they're a Gary." -no you can't *pulling knife from sheath* "Sounds like somthin a Gary would say"
Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
What are condoms for? Condoms are for fucking pussies, and for assholes.
When you ask her "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" And she answers "No, who wrote it?" .... Keep moving.
"Can I shit here?" ---- Sean Connery trying to make friends at the park but making enemies inshtead.
I cumfonted my girlfriend this morning... What did she have to say? Get me a towel.
One blonde says to the another: "Hey, let's yell simultaneously! 3, 2, 1 "SIMULTANEOUSLY!! SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!"
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.
DAE always have that substitute teacher who didn't know anything about the subject matter? Sorry. Wrong sub.
Seriously, it's almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"
Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man  drive? A: A LOCOmotive.
idea: business cards that just say NO Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card] Girl can I get ur number [card] BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
"The Great Gatsby" is an awesome book about a rich guy who can't get laid.
Thought my friend was an alcoholic because he wouldn't shut up about the bar turns out he was studying to be a lawyer
Dear Board of Education, So are we. Sincerely, Students
Q: What's an educated hole in the wall? A: A wisecrack.
*Closes app. Immediately reopens the same app*
I've got 66 problems and being upside-down is one.
What did the vampire say to his girlfriend at school? See you next period!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amory ! Amory who ? Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year !
My nickname is Spaghetti Because I'm 20 inches and hot water makes me floppy.
My biggest regret of 2014? Probably when my husband watched "The Notebook" with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house
Light a man a fire... You'll keep him warm for a night. Light a man on fire you keep him warm for the rest of his life
I've heard that imperial system has a lot of advantages. As a European, I only see fl oz.
Give em an enchilada, they'll take a milechilada.
did you watch the obese fashion show? they had some pretty good role models
I read a magazine article about a population increase in Hawaii. The author was Commonawannalaya.
twitter is obviously Japanese, it wants us to hate whales as much as it does
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
My jokes aren't bad People I tell them to are just laughtose intolerant
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My dad once told me I would make a great mime... I was speechless.
I don't wear sunglasses because it's unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it's an inch from my eye I'm all "um, no."
If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
Oh for goodness sake, if abortion was really the same as murdering babies nobody would favour it. Isn't it OBVIOUS you're missing the point?
Daughter: You're invading my personal space Mom: You came out of my personal space
off to see the new anti-semitic Tyler Perry movie, "Jews Control the Madea."
Why did the overly sensitive man with poor grammar not put his sweater in the dryer? It felt bad
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
This is the worst carnival ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene.
Some people think that the next iPhone will fail But I think it'll be a 6S.
Why is it hard dating an astronaut? Because they have space issues.
If we really want our kids to be smarter, we should require pornstars to moan historical facts during sex
I saw a guy cut a curvy path through a corn field... It was a-ma(i)zing.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gagging*
I was in the supermarket and I thought I saw my name on a loaf of bread. I looked again and it said "thick cut".
I wrote a poem. I dig. You dig. She digs. He digs. They dig. We dig. Now I know it's not a very good poem, but it's pretty deep.
What's a pirate's favorite programming language? You might think it's R, but his first love has always been the C.
My grandpa just died of lung cancer... He fought it asbestos he could.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was She Said If She Told Me It Would Defeat The Purpose.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess... So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.
So it was my 18th birthday the other day... Maybe now I can help my dad find those cigarettes he's been looking for the last 12 years.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes? A: None. The democrats do that.
What is a Power Adapter's favorite rock band? AC/DC
Why don't mountains get cold in the winter? They wear snowcaps.
What is a catchy Girl's name? Answer: Annette
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? She missed.
Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Whats the difference between a Priest and Acne? *Acne waits until you're a teen to come on your face* ^^^^^^^^^^edit^^^^^^^^^^, ^^^^^^^^^^grammar
I can't be the only one that sees the day when a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
What did Pythagoras say about the pyramid scheme? He just couldn't find the guys angle!
What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter? envelope
[NSFW] What's the difference between pussy and parsley? Nobody eats parsley.
Dumb joke I thought of while bored at work. Why is working at Amazon warehouse like being a coke addict? You spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but clearing lines.
How do you communicate with a fish? You drop him a line.
[Enter a password] "beansandsausage" [Password must contain at least two capitals] "limabeansandviennasausage"
[interrogation] "Where were u on the night of the 3rd?" Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape?" Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Do you want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell into some mud
What's the sound that 10 stubby fingers make on a desk? *Drumpf Drumpf Drumpf Drumpf Drumpf...*
What do you call a pickle that always has the same routine Typickle!
What's bright, red and orange and looks good on hippies? Fire.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A hippo is very large and heavy, and a zippo is just a little lighter.
A Priest and a Rabbi walk in a bar... and they say to each other "what is this, a joke?"
This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made
What do you call a basin full of denim? A gene pool!
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I'm afraid it wants to murder me.
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
Did you know Darth Vader had a wife? Her name was Ella.... Ella Vader.
One of my legs is longer than the other. I've spent years trying to get it rectified... But I just end up going around in circles.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
What song title is best used to describe the France terrorist attack? Niggas In Paris
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What is the worst kind of vegetable to run a country? A penis shaped potato. Its a dick-tater.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
You know the Yahoo hack is not that bad... at least someone knows my password to my Yahoo account.
Who is the poorest guy in the south? The Tooth Fairy [LaughFactory](http://www.laughfactory.com)
Which bees produce milk? ...The boo-bees!
40 years later: - Grandpa, sing me a song of your youth. - Oppa Gangnam Style. Opp, opp, opp, opp!
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart} Old Lady: Your son is adorable 4 yr. old: *running down aisles* Me: Mam' My son died 10 years ago.
What did one plane said to the other plane? Can I crash at your place?
What is the ultimate pleasure? To rub peanut butter on your dick and then run through a kindergarten.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables... The bartender says, you can have a drink, but ya better not start anything
Just learned an important lesson: When texting "wish you were here," that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Why couldn't the dinosaur cross the road? There were no roads!
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Fun things to do pt 1 When you're stuck in traffic and some guy revs up his engine just yell out "alright we get it you have a small penis"
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... ...they always take things literally
Would you like to hear a joke? The republican primary debate.
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee's or is that just the women?
What are Marios overalls made of? denim denim denim
Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word I can't tell you how angry I am
Missed connection. You cut in front of me at Starbucks in May, 2009. I finally thought up a witty response.
What is green and flying over Poland? Peter Panski
Why is the show called SpongeBob when... Patrick is the star. Hurr durr. Tee-hee.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.
Knock knock... Who's there? *sigh* Mormons...
What do you call a retard who is super high? a baked potato lol xD
I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, "I'm a wholesaler."
R1D1 must have sucked.
I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was... and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 2 to 4  weeks.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets...
Mother: Does your teacher like you ? Son: Like me she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper !
So I broke my mom's tailbone during childbirth. And I've been a pain in her ass ever since.
When pigs get a toothache who do they see?'  Painless Porker.
Where does a cow go when he is so upset he doesn't feel like talking? A moo'd specialist.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!
Why are men like paper cups? They're disposable
I had a stomach ache... My SO asked what's wrong, I said "I have a clog in my intestines" she responds with "you need to stop eating shoes"
If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.
Why did the alien phone home on his mobile?  Because it was so ET !
What's the definition of a will? Come on you guys, it's a dead giveaway!
Bill Gates is so rich... he hired cancer to kill Steve Jobs.
Duck waddles in to a pharmacy and asks for some lip balm. "Certainly sir, will that be cash or credit?." "Just put it on my bill."
Nothing ruins a game of hide and seek like when the cops let the K9 off the leash.
You have no idea how happy I get when phone rings and it's you. the microwave beeps and the food is ready.
There's awkward, and then there's listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her? I guess she is trans parent now Edit: *through
How many girlfriends does it take to change a light bulb? It has to change for itself.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 'ate' 9 xD
How do you make $3 million in 48 seconds? Ask Ronda Rousey!
I just don't have enough middle fingers for today.
Whats worst than a super long joke? A short one with no punchline
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
What did the depressed muppet say? I want to Kermit suicide.
I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.
Girl with small feet? Will do great in kitchen
When will you be bioavailable? Because you are my drug and I want you in my body...
What would Bart Simpson's first Steam game be? D'oh-ta 2
What is Lil Wayne's favorite food? Caesar salad
How do you offend a white person? Tell them they can't make racist jokes.
What do you tell an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah bless.
Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!
I have a Stepladder.. I never knew my real Ladder
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just look for fresh prints.
A constipated man walks into the doctors office. The doctor tells him he's full of shit.
An alien and a mexican walk into a bar... Ouch they said. It was an iron bar.
What makes for a good first date? NOT MOVIES
What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? A 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.
Recently, my grandfather told me his so glad that he is married... because he hated finishing his own sentences when he was single.
My friend with OCD keeps hitting F5... he says he finds it refreshing. I told him he needs help, now he keeps hitting F1. (edit- thanks to r/supremesnicker for the better punchline.)
You can say what you want about pedophiles ...but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds.
Fart Jokes Are sometimes shitty.
China and Russia are having a friendly discussion... Russia: "I bet you couldn't kill that group of Buddhist monks over there" China: "Do you want Tibet?"
Online relationships - For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.
"A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat." I don't doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My ex got me arrested cause i used to sit outside her house all day. She thought i was stalking her but i wasn't, i just had her WiFi code.
Alzheimer's Joke [Not Sure if Repost]
Barack Obama.
Can you eat me out? What are you doing?! I just wanted some of your pot brownie.
What do you call a drug dealer in a strip club A hardened criminal
This one took me a while to get when I was a kid: Three guys walk into a bar The fourth one ducked.
I've hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don't catch slurpees.
A mountain was next to another mountain.. An earthquake happens and one of the mountains say.. "It wasn't my fault!" credit to my awesome science teacher
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What's your point?
Q: How you can tell if a ghoul was in your fridge? A: It leaves footprints in the butter.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I wish life had a rewindthe-weekend button.
Lesbians be like "Oh no it's the end of the world!"
Do you know the definition of insanity? Do you know the definition of insanity? Do you know the definition of insanity? Do you know the definition of insanity? Do you know the definition of insanity?
What's the difference... What's the difference between Missionary Baptists and Baptists? Position
What's the most dangerous thing in your freezer? Ice is.
How do u kill a blonde ? Give her a knife and ask her who is the prettiest of all .
Is this Love? by Midas Wellbee
What insect do you use to capture a slutty woman? A hornet!
[LPT] When cleaning a messy room start with your bed, you will have a better sense of accomplishment when you eventually give up and sob uncontrollably.
crush: i really like music me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend] Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My girlfriend wants a Christmas Gift she can wear... I'm going to give her a facial.
Why couldn't the whistleblower step outside? Because it's Snowden.
If I'm going to be in your dreams tonight please let me know so I can stuff some socks down the front of my pants.
The best part about twitter is that it is completely satisfying on a deep emotional level and in no way makes me feel empty inside.
What happened when The Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye kicked his ass!
What's the difference between humans and bullets? Humans miss Harambe.
TIL there is a gay humility parade every year, but no one knows where or when it is. because they are too humble to say.
Age and sport Men at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older your ball gets smaller
What's the difference between Sin and Shame? It's a sin to put it in, and a shame to pull it out.
Winnie the pooh just died. I know, its hard to bear
So I said to this sloth, "listen here buddy.." Before i could finish he interrupted me and shouted"Woah, woah! Slow down!"
What wears a bright red suit and knows if you've been naught..or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.
Pretty girls with ugly laughs : nature's way of preserving the balance
What do you call ratting out the President's daughter for smoking weed? High treason.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the room is already lit.
Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils. When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."
What did the Pirate say when he got his firecrackers? Ahoy M-80
Being an adult is mostly hurrying up to get to places you didn't want to go in the first place.
What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving a blow job to Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn't jerk off because my arms were to short I'd kill everyone too.
#NAME?
How do Buddhist monks send emails? They remove all attachments.
You're the best ninja I've ever seen! And the worst ninja in general.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle's personal ad....
Oh, no! I only have fish eggs for dinner again! Roe is me!
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a friendzoned DSLR photographer boy :P
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Why should you always invite mushrooms to your parties? They're fun guys!
I was going to make a illegal immigrant joke But I wouldn't want to cross that border
What kind of room doesn't have any doors/windows inside? A mushroom.
*everybody gasps as I drop the baby* Oh no was it expensive?
About 50% of the time "good luck" means "fuck you."
What do you call spanish suicide squad ? Homicide hombres
Once upon a time the hardest decision we had to make was to choose our favorite color in a crayon box...
You have the body of a god... ...too bad its a Buddha
What do you get when you cross a frog and a rabbit? A rabbit that says "Ribbit."
So a Trump supporter entered into a logical debate... lol
muppets cannot die and nobody else seems to be worried about this
I told my son about the bird's and the bee's... And he told me about my wife and the butcher.
The dyslexic pregnant virgin said it was an act of Dog.
What happened to the little Dutch boy after he put his finger in the dyke? ...she shattered his jaw!
Let's play a game: If you were stranded forever on a desert island and had only one book of Russian literature, how would you kill yourself?
What do you call a sick dictator? Kim Jong-ILL . . . . . Ill show myshelf out...
I always post things in the right sub. I guess you could say I do it subconsciously.
What's the similarity between American beer and making love in a canoe? Fucking close to water
What's the best way to find out if you have ticklish balls? Test Tickles
The 3-year-old just held up some paper and said: "Daddy, I'm reading the newspaper!" Kids love dinosaurs.
Why would boxers make good comedians? Because they always have a punchline
LPT If you are going to have sex with someone you don't know, Always, always, always... Ask
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Which woman has Jesus as a nephew? The Auntie Christ.
"Can we have sex today" asks a poor husband, in anticipation! Wife : No!!My gynecologist told me not to have sex for 2 weeks. Husband: Yeah! But your dentist didn't!!
How do you reuse toilet paper? You stick it in some water and boil the shit out of it.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will "Let It Go.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans.
I'm unsure how I feel about my new mirror... ...I just haven't had time to reflect yet. www.ChippedBeefOnToast.com
What does a baby computer calls his father? Data.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans!
I'm so happy I'm not as cool as you. Because then I'd be a huge fucking asshole.
My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say "Now son, this may hurt a bit".
My friend told me he walked into his house and saw that the sheets of paper in his office were having an orgy. I asked him, "How does paper cum?" "Why," he replied, "in stacks, of course."
They were just called ranch doritos until they started smoking parliaments and listening to mumford and sons
What do plums and bunnies have in common? They're both purple, except bunnies...bunnies aren't purple :/
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven't eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Croc sandals are like getting a blowjob from a dude... They feel amazing but you realize how gay you are when you look down.
Who is this Rorschach guy?? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
Apparently the US government has to choose between supporting ISIS and the al-Assad regime... I think that's called getting caught between Iraq and a hard place.
What did the scientist say after discovering the medicinal content of homeopathic remedies ? 0mg !!!!
Apparently Kanye dropped a new album on an obscure platform. Torrent.
What do you call fish with no eyes? A fsh.
How do u castrate a priest ? Kick the alter boy in the chin ;)
I say no to alcohol every day. It just doesn't listen.
Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.
I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages... ...mangled and missing the most important parts.
My girlfriend is getting bored of my obsession with pretending to be a detective, she's suggested we should split up. It's a good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.
Yo mama is so ugly She makes onions cry
Larry the Cable Guy show debuts on History Channel. Hitler says he's thrilled to share his network with his favorite comic.
A man goes to see his doctor... He says to the doctor "Doc, I think I might be a pair of curtains." The doctor yells "Pull yourself together!"
Barbie sets an unrealistic ideal for young girls. Women can't be doctors.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Why can't you tell knock knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we're all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
didja hear about the new LGBT libretto for Wagner's Der Ring des Nibelungen? The character Brunehilde is now named Brucehilde.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal? His shoulder.
Why don't american have a bullet train? They use the bullets to train the military.
What do you call a high gymnast? Tumbleweed.
The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.
boy: you have really pretty eyes... me: *suspicious* thank you...??? boy: *leans in slowly* me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber....
Y'know, Hitler wasn't all that bad... He did kill Hitler after all.
What's the similarity between being in the mob and... eating pussy? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It's the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I went out clubbing in the village last night. People looked concerned when i came back covered in blood. I was more concerned about my club.
"I'm done with this shit." He thought as he closed Reddit, locked his phone and stood up.
'You never get anything right' complained the teacher. 'What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?' 'Well I want to be the weather girl on TV.'
The whole thing about "we're all going to die some day," that's a joke, right?
I'm a good driver until there is a cop behind me Then I become a paranoid weed transporter from the border
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
What are the only english words that russian prostitutes can say? Putin
If you like pina coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this pina colada / It was caught in the rain
Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?
I repaired my watch with some old parts. It's got a second-hand second hand.
What did the stuttering Mexican say to his friend when he tried to steal his food? These are nacho-nachos.
I wish I was a pepper So I could be jalapeno business
What is round, ticks and if it falls down the clock is broken?
dog 911: what's ur emergency? dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD? dog: [whimpering] dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
How Do You Start An African Rave? staple toast to the ceiling...
He stuck it in the wrong whole http://imgur.com/V7qxO87
Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I throw half of them in the garbage I don't want unlucky people working for me
Are your parents retarded? ...because you're one special lady!
I hit a Milestone today and now my fist really hurts.
Why couldn't cinderella play soccer? She always ran away from the ball
What do you call someone who tells you they've successfully broken the Law of Excluded Middle? **WRONG.** ^... ^or ^^right, ^^^or ^^^^something ^^^^^in ^^^^^^between.
I like my coffee like I like my woman. Cold and bitter.
A photon walks into a hotel... and the desk clerk says, "can I help you with your luggage?" The photon responds, "no thanks, I'm traveling light."
Two goldfish were in their tank... Two goldfish were in their tank. One turned to the other and said, "You man the guns; I'll drive."
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife left him 4 months ago ^^^^just ^^^^searched ^^^^and ^^^^realized ^^^^this ^^^^is ^^^^heavily ^^^^overused ^^^^and ^^^^reposted ^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry
Did you hear about the blind rabbi after the briss? He got the sack...
I don't understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution? He was following the Tsar.
Recall how as children we were told not to make ugly faces because we'd "stick that way?" Careful. It works for dumbing ourselves down, too.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books but he's only got his shelf to blame.
What's the difference between the armed forces and Comcast? Nobody ever says "Thank you for your service" to the latter.
A Vietnamese couple found out they were expecting twins. It was a Nguyen Nguyen situation.
There are 4 stages in life 1)You believe in Santa Claus 2)You don't believe in Santa Claus 3)You are Santa Claus 4)You look like Santa Claus
[camera cuts to me in crowd at NFL game holding a giant sign that says "I CAN'T BELIEVE THE HOT DOGS ARE 8 DOLLARS"]
My ex is like cottage cheese... she's lumpy, she tastes bad, and I don't know what she goes well with.
What did the doctor say to the patient who refused to stop masturbating? Don't make it hard for yourself.
It might be good at board games, but don't let DeepMind handle your video camera. It's been known to trash Go Pros
Last week I called a lady a watering hole... but I meant well.
I hate how guys with tiny penises try to overcompensate with flashy cars. You're not fooling anyone, ambulance drivers!!
A recent study concluded that chickens lay more eggs when they get music in their coops... But only if it is Bach.
What's the Difference Between Being Hungry and Horny? Where you put the cucumber!
I once attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt... I'll admit it was a waist of time.
Whats the difference between dawn and dusk? d(sun)/dt *facepalm* I'll see myself out.
What do you hear when Bill Cosby walks into the room? (Zzzzip)
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed... I put his bed in the kitchen...
What do you use to wipe off a table after breakfast? A ragamuffin. Knew it was a dadjoke as soon as I saw my 9 year old roll his eyes.
Two chemists walk into a bar... The first one said "I want some H2O please".The other chemist said "I'd like some H2O too".Then he died.
America thought about using fat as a currency... ...but there was too much inflation.
What's the difference between an orange and a baby? You don't fuck an orange after you peel its skin. Credits go to my friend for telling me.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes: 1. Headphone users have torsos? 2. Giraffe strangler
What is the only word in an English dictionary spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly is the only word spelled I n c o r r e c t l y
Just got my drivers license and I'm already getting compliments! Someone left a note on my car which said "Parking fine!" I was so happy :)
A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean. Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?" She responds, "No, it's yogurt"
Bought a sled on sale in Boston Got a real tobahgain.
Picking up McDonald's coffee now for tomorrow morning. Hopefully, it'll be cooled down by then.
A man walked into a hospital with 8 plastic horses in his rectum. They described his condition as "stable"
What's the Turkish version of court packing? Turkey stuffing
What would the gay guy's version of 50 shades of grey be? 50 shades of heeeeey.
If the Wu-Tang Clan started a cross-country shipping company, would you use them? Nah. Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthing ta truck wit.
Come forth. And the Lord said unto John, come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Strokin' Off
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it...
The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.
Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
You think you've got problems?I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.
I was at a posh resturaunt last night but the pianist was awful He just kept playing bottom C over and over. Really lowered the tone.
Q: How many Waiters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiters eye
A Cannibals's Dinner Party If a cannibal is throwing a dinner party, don't show up late. Otherwise you'll get the cold shoulder.
What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country.
Me: You should cut your toenails. Wife: Huh? M: You're scratching my leg. W: I'm WAY on the other side of the bed! M: That's kinda my point.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
need a last minute valentine's day gift for that special lady? why not give her the timeless gift of my phone number
I'm in love with you and you don't want anything to do with me so I think we can make this work
Behind every engineer in jail.... Is an Architect.
Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food? He wanted to raised stewed beef!
[at the zoo] Llama spits in my face I spit in llamas face Llama slaps me I grab llamas hair Scuffle ensues Llamas gf shouts "leave it Gary!"
What tastes good but doesn't smell good? A tongue. Hehe
The four stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa 2. You don't believe in Santa 3. You dress up like Santa 4. You look like Santa
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards Just sit down and I'll deal with you later
Leave Apple alone! All they wanted to do was jack off.
I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious. Nobody saw me. Anthony Jeselnik.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees. "Give me a "g" "Give me an "h" They hate me now.
What do you call a girl who likes men with small d**ks? Your girlfriend!
What's big and yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.
Celine Dion is an organ donor... So when she dies, her heart will go on.
Starting now, every hour, on the hour, walk up to a stranger and slip the tongue in. Because it's midnight somewhere. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How many political idealists does it take to change a light bulb? None, political idealists can't change anything.
*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*
What do you call a fight between Jews? A roast
What did the band consisting only of postmen call itself? Vanmailen.
what's the easiest way to get a jewish girl's number? roll up her sleeve
Why did the peasant have poor judgement? He couldn't afford better judgement I'll be here all day folks
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature's most elusive and successful serial killers.
Why was Albert Einstein's dad afraid to teach him vowels? Because everytime he tried, he kept owing his son money!
"The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"
How do you spell "laughing out loud" by using binary? 1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1
A blonde has a BS in Science... Bullshit, isn't it?
I just put a bottle antifreeze in the freezer. Place your bets now.
To get to the other side. Why did the chicken use the time machine?
Two guys meet at a bar. "My wife ran off with my best friend Peter..." "Oh no, when did this happen?" "Yesterday." "And since when is Peter your best friend?" "Yesterday!"
How does Moses make his tea... ... Hebrews it
What is Sean Connery's favorite dish? A seizure salad.
I live in a pretty rough area. The priest at our church had to leave because of a child abuse scandal. He was raped by three kids.
Q: What did one math book say to the other? A: Man I got a lot of problems!
I have sloth-like reflexes "Don't you mean catlike reflexes?" [several hours later]   No
How is sex like putting on a belt? If it's not tight enough, move on to the next hole.
What is White, Fluffy and swings through a cake shop? A Merangue-utang :-D
Why do writers always feel cold? Because they are surrounded by drafts!
Why do I always seem to start my day backwards? I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake
An asshole What do you call a person who reads the punchline before the joke?
I guess Stephen Hawking tried stand-up comedy recently He failed miserably.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus
What did the lobster say when he saw the mermaid? Gotta lay off the sea-weed.
What did the neckbeard say to the mosquito? M'laria
Bowling is the perfect activity when I'm in the mood to stick my fingers in disease-ridden holes, but your mom is unavailable.
Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm.
How many surrealist does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish
We should stop making racist jokes... ...enough of dark humour.
What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a boner? He breaks his nose.
How do you show a Muslim Girl you're into her? You pull your Dick Out for Haram Bae
Puns aren't funny. #They're punny.
Little Mortie got a real surprise when he barged into his parents' room one night. "And you slap me for sucking my thumb?" he screamed.
I'll never forget the first piece of advice my parents gave me when I was young:"Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot..."It  got me far
A baby seal walks into a club... and is escorted outside due to being underage. (Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen this joke here before.)
[world series game 1] Wife: where are our seats? Hamlet: 2b... Wife: there are people there Hamlet: or not 2b
[first date] DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths ME: *slowly pushes date's coffee off table*
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is  having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
What's the difference between feminists and guns? Guns only have one trigger. At the time I was writing this, my mom and sister were in the middle of a death battle yelling match, help.
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits till you're 13 to come on your face.
Turns out when you're a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout... *pizza dough plops on head*
My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I'm calling in gay tomorrow.
Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.
Whats the difference between a feminist and a bomb vest? A bomb vest does something when triggered.
Not to sound like a broken record, but moooon rivrivrivrivriver.
I came up with the next musical fusion: Reggae and K-pop... I call it Ganja Style
Why do batteries feel lonely? Because they are never included in anything.
Personal trainer said we're going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Walt Disney was an anti-Semite.... The way Disneyland sponges the money makes him seem more like a Jew.
I once swallowed two strings and they came out tied together. Yeah, I shit you knot!
Smartphones don't prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature. I just walked into a tree.
Girl you remind me of a... (insert insult here)
I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.
This morning I was at the atm when an elderly woman asked if I could check her balance So I pushed her over
Why did the letter arrive wet? Because it had postage dew.
What do Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and Keith Richards have in common? They both made habits fashionable.
Mexico's population is ill-equiped to deal with Hurricane Patricia The Mexicans that are good at swimming and running have long been gone.
She was two thirds married once. What do you mean ? Well she turned up the Minster turned up but the groom didn't !
How is useless meat around vagina called?.. ... women.
why are people so disgusted when someone farts around them? I mean, come on, a little gas never killed anyone
I just got fired from my job at the fruit market. I was driving people bananas.
*wakes up from 20 year coma* SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
What do you call a Sasquatch that is never on time? Not Yeti
Every 5 seconds, a woman gives birth to a baby. Please, stop this woman.
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother? For smoking in bed.
A Good Marriage I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, "Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately!"
New, cuter name I came up with for dog shit: "Snoopy poopy. "
Baby come over. I'm coming over. Using walkie talkies in bed is strange over.
Welcome to Applebee's! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Can someone please tell what the weathers like. My Facebook is full of Robin William's tributes
Friends only its Dogs but instead of claps in the theme song, barks
Last summer I planned to elope with my Cherokee fiance but she had her reservations.
What's green and has 4 wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels...
What's worst than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm!
Mark Morrison took his new computer back to the Apple store... Return of the Mac.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
I hate when I give people nicknames like "stupid face" on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I think I know why Japanese is so weird now. When that bomb dropped. Something fucked up somewhere
Did you hear about the Greek philosopher who overdosed on drugs? He was a *myth*anphetamine user.
What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur? An eyesaur
Where does the little king keep his little armies? Up his little sleevies.
Dude that's not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Q: What did the potato ask the cow? A: Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.
A priest, an astronaut, and a hair dresser walk into the bar The bartender looks up and says "What is this, a joke?"
A Jewish boy asks his dad for 50 dollars... His dad says, "40 dollars?! What do you need 30 dollars for?!!"
How much does Dickbutt make an hour? Minimeme wage
I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle] "lmao yo who invited the lightweight"
"All lower case?" -your mom getting an email address
Dont eat yourself A woman: She is eating dinner and she accidentally bites her lip. A man: Your not suppose to eat yourself. The woman: Well that's your job
What does a 1 eyed, 1 legged, and deaf kid get for Christmas? ...Cancer
Why is it bad to mix Islam and Hinduism? Because you might get Sikh
I met a girl at a soccer game... ...I think she's a keeper
Damn you Jehovah's, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I'll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We'll see who converts who
Why do redditors hate Ellen Pao as CEO? It was the Wong choice
Why isn't George R.R. Martin allowed on Twitter? He only has 140 characters to kill
What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival? The roller ghosted.
You think Italians encourage amnesia? Forget about it!
I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand. Must have been an insight joke...
Why does Snoop Dawg need an umbrella?? Fo Drizzle.
Snail Boss: under skills you've put 'quick reflexes' Snail: [2 hours later] that's right SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip
What's the best part about a hooker dying on you? The second hour's free.
In my opinion, reflex testing is pointless. I just don't find any value in knee jerk reactions.
Why are Ethiopians so good at blowjobs? Because they have to swallow everything they can
Where did the King keep his armies? Up his sleevies!
What does disappointment feel like? [deleted]
[My Joke] Why do galaxies put on boring shows while separated? Because their performance is lack-cluster.
I'm just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I got ripped off buying a tarantula from the pet shop Should have just got one off the web
Two women were sitting quietly.
Apparently there is a bipartisan push in the US senate to legalize marijuana for arthritis treatment So in other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.
Why did the native american hate snow? It's white and on his land.
Feet are legends
Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I'd like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
The award for best X-Man goes to... Caitlyn Jenner.
How did one tire get the attention of another tire? pssssssssssst
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school? He woke up.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered "liquor?" All is not a trick question. Apparently
How many millennials does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to do it, the other to give him his ribbon.
What's a feminists least favorite Pokemon? Abra!
Pretty sure Brazil has an enormous wax museum.
You need an Arc? I Noah guy.
Where do you find red eyed rodents? Hamsterdam!
Attention children: Mom is closed.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
You are my methods. I am nothing without you.
Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.
So they told me I couldn't live in the gym but I told them... Squatters' rights.
what do you call an asian lounge singer? george crooney
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
It might take more muscles to frown than to smile, but it takes even less to completely avoid eye contact in the first place.
Did anyone hear how Ellen Degeneres died? She drowned, they found her face down in Ricki Lake
If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
You used to be the semicolon(;) in my life... You used to be the semicolon(;) in my life! Sorry but times have changed and I have python now...!
A Scientologist and a Westboro Baptist Church member walk into a bar... No one goes to that bar anymore.
I'm naming my kid Johncena Because he was unexpected
What were Steve Jobs children told to do when their father passed away? Steve's Job.
I would tell you a joke about sodium chloride... But its a bit too salty.
Nobody gracefully gets out of a beanbag chair.
"You've lost some weight." sounds suspiciously like "You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.".
What did the American call Karl Marx when a shrine was dedicated to him in Japan? A Kami.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? Little Ceasars
"When I was your age, I invented the time machine" I told my Granddad.
My brother threw a can of Pepsi at me from the roof... I'm just glad it was a soft drink otherwise that may have caused some serious damage.
I've never been wrong Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
What's 668? The Neighbor of the Beast.
A beer walks into a bar And gets drunk :D
Her: Can I see your phone? Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can* ME: *goes to find hub* "You know what makes me mad?" HUB: *points to self*
No my carpet doesn't match my drapes cause I don't have carpet , Duh....
"Rest this big wireless transmitter on your balls for several hours a day. I'm sure it's fine." -- laptop computers
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
A man gets pulled over by a female cop. He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing." EDIT: Weee, this is my first time on the front page.
"I'd do filthy things to that Princess from Star Wars" *"What, Leia?"* "Well obviously - but I was thinking more of a rim-job and a soapy titwank"
Blind people think women's tennis is porn.
911: what is your emergency? Me: HE READ BUT DIDN'T REPLY
Sperm 1: "Geez I'm exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?" Sperm 2: "A long way, we've just passed the tonsils..."
What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? It breaks the ice...Hi, i'm (insert name)
Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure? Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not. Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!
Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, gets on a podium and encourages all black men in America to buy guns to protect themselves from white guys with guns. Just kidding.
What file turns a 1mm hole into a 10mm hole? A paedophile.
Black jokes and Mexican jokes are all the same, once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamall.
What do Aaron Hernandez and Jared Fogle now have in common? Matching uniforms.
Subway Jared ended his career just like how he started it... ...by trying to get into smaller pants
Putting juice in the fridge is fine but put it in the oven and you're literally Hitler
If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are.
Slipped on black ice So the other day I slipped on some black ice, at first I thought it was normal ice, but when I got up i noticed my wallet was missing.
I told my cat all about Chairman Mao this morning Now she won't shut up about him!
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Why is the Doctor an excellent chef? He's a Thyme Lord
Did you hear about the guy who had to leave his position to become a manager? He was fired up
Why don't the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving? Because they don't like Turkey
What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common? They both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill? A: They stop delivering.
My uncle was a weird man...Artificial Legs.... Real feet
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf* "Here let me get that" I say [Beacuse I'm much taller] *I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
accountant: "youre basically broke" wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff" me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
Why do suicide bombers have 72 virgins? one for each chunk.
Why did all the other toys throw RaggedyAnn out of the toy box? She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling "Lie to me, lie to me!"
Is your mother's name Josephine? Cuz I had sloppy joe's for dinner last night.
Why do SCUBA divers fall backwards out of boats? Because if they fell forwards, they'd land in the boat.
Internet porn? When I grew up... ...it was hard to come by.
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to hold the penis. I mean, ladder.
8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I'm just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there.
Why did the premature ejaculator cross the ro... never mind.
What would you call your geologist friend if you are a pokemon fan? Geodude
A man walked into a bar... and promptly left after realising his Wife was more important.
What does spinach and anal sex have in common? If they were forced on you as a child you probably don't like them as an adult.
What do you call fake soup? Pho Soup
My friend and I were talking about food and he said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like "I know you're not"
First "gay" now "glee." Are you guys going to take every synonym for "happy" or leave us one or two Christmas carols kids don't giggle at?
What do you call a Mexican girl who loves to sleep around? A Burrithoe
Where does Santa keep his nuts? In his nutsack...
Someone asked me if there were any LGBT gamers in the group I guess you could call be a GAYmer...hehe
I ran the dishwasher today , but i couldnt keep up.
My friend taught his female dog to add. That sumbitch.
Never trust somebody with a degree in child psychology to cut your kid's hair. They're therapists who'll groom your children.
Last night a kid came "trick or treating" at my place dressed as Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid.
What do you say to a black guy selling drugs? *"Hello, mr. pharmacist."* What did you think it would be, you racist?
What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans ? Speaking Latin !
if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy
Aww you passed out, let's see what you've got in your wallet, shall we?
That's it!  q o poq  nq I   sl  s s
Why did the Japanese funeral home have to turn away new business? They ran out of san storage
TIL that there is an animal with an asshole on its back A Police Horse
What do you call a boner at a funeral? Mourning wood.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will. Luke: But why? Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
What does Salvador Dahli eat for breakfast? Surreal.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time *door closes on way out*
RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on  couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you --  everyone in the US perhaps but certainly not everyone in the world."
I think this Deadpool movie is going to really bring down the house. Having only three walls isn't good for their structural integrity.
My Brian Williams's helicopter jokes have been going great! None have been shot down so far!
To do list: 1) Change Facebook name to 'No One' 2) 'Like' peoples statuses.
What do you call a Chinese millionaire? Cha-Ching.
Some people passed away from toxic fumes in the apartments I constructed. I was just making the ceilings asbestos I could.
If Hitler made a Microphone company... ...it'd be called "The Third Mic".
The ironic but 'real' dangers of immunisations Kid immunised for measles. The next day he dies from the shot.
To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
How do you make a dog stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you're not microwave-safe.
What did the gay Mexican dentist ask his boyfriend for? Oral, B.
So I heard Tiger Woods changed his name.. To Cheetah
I don't usually post on this sub, so here goes nothing...
Who were the fastest readers of all time? The victims of 9/11. They went through over 87 stories in less than 2 1/2 minutes.
I had unprotected sex with a neurotic person a while back... Now I have genital worrywarts.
I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
Why was Bob Marley fired from being a tennis announcer? Because he kept calling "One Love"
Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck? Because he kept quacking all the eggs!
Did you hear about the Lawyer who showed up to court without his attache? (original joke) Judge threw him out, said he didn't have a case.
What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger
Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.
What's meaner than a pitbull with herpes? The guy who gave it to the pitbull.
I'm thinking of giving away my broken marionette. No strings attached
Don't you hate when the whole movie theater's empty, but someone sits right next to you? I know you do, that's why I do it.
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One narcissist. The narcissist holds the lightbulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb One American to hire a Mexican to change the bulb and other 323.99 million to complain about outsiders stealing their jobs
What did the 0 say to the 8? "Hey, nice belt!"
How do you get to Shepherds Bush? Up the Shepherd's leg!
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? People like pizza
Why is North Korea going fail against America? They lack the element of supplies
Girls are so confusing She said "don't stop" and now I'm in jail.
Three drums and a cymbal rolled down a hill ba dum dum ching
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it's really weird.
What does a black guy wearing a fedora say to greet people? Sup m'niggas
Y'all tweet like you don't know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Cow jokes **What do you call a three legged cow?** *Tri tip* **What do you call a cow with no legs?** *Ground beef* **What do you call a masturbating cow?** *Beef Stroganoff*
I vote Gabe Newell for president. There will never be a World War 3.
Single airline stewardesses are very lucky... for their convenience all men are already sorted into different classes.
Wintertime It's winter again. That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating, or getting that massive new tattoo.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you're back to Fred Flintstone.
How many of you guys experienced this? Damn! I don't have spare keys either.
Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.
Why is Caitlyn Jenner so skinny? Because the FDA just banned trans fats.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad that I finally had to take his bike away.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Surely there's a 3rd option. Can't i just walk home? That can't be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.
Sometimes I wonder "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
How Many Tourettes Sufferers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? Penis.
Teacher:"To which family does the elephant belong ?" Pupil:"I don't know nobody I know owns one !"
Cop: Know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm black?? Cop: Sir, you're white, driving 90 in a 30. Me: Racist. Cop: Get out.
StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.
How can you tell who's the Polish Jew at The Wailing Wall? He's the guy with the harpoon.
Everyone keeps saying Marry Christmas to me... I'm so confused. Who's this Christmas girl and why does everyone want me to marry her?
SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren't home...
My favorite prostitute told me she was a licensed psychologist... Blew my mind.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.
Sex with my ex was like Disneyland. I'd have to wait in line for an hour and a half and when it was finally my turn I wasn't big enough to get on the ride.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
A psychic dwarf just escaped from prison... Apparently there's now a small medium at large
I had to tell my toddler not to step on the baby. Four times. All my grandchildren from her will be cats.
What do you call 5 people sitting In two rows? Tetris
Sorry I can't go out. My phone is too old to hold enough charge so I live by this outlet now.
How do you know someone is from California? They tell you.
The two things to remember when ur a pothead 1)U lose short term memory 2) Damn! I know there's something else
Men You know how they say "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?" Well I say, "why buy the whole pig for a little sausage..."
GF: ...I'm pregnant ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I've also got some pretty big news
Statistics say that there's at least one gay guy in a group of friends, I hope it's Tim ... He's really cute.
What do you call it again where you think of a tweet while you're offline so you have to say it out loud? Conversation?
*job interview* "Youre 30? Why haven't you accomplished your life goals?" "Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that."
Her: I heard your sister went to the US. Me: Yeah she did. Her: Which state? Me: Alaska. Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
A screwdriver walks into a bar... The bartender sees it and shouts out, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver gets excited and says, "You have a drink named Larry?"
Dirty deeds done at a reasonable price with a quantity discount. That seems like a more sustainable business model.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive They would eventually find me attractive.
I like my women how I like my cars... Stuck in my garage once I'm done with them.
I know how Jenny got her name. Follow this link en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenny_%28donkey%29
I can finally set my tivo to record "the biggest loser"... ...kept trying to record the jets game
I hate it when people take drugs... Like US Customs or police officers.
My penis Oh, there must be a mistake... ...this post wasn't flagged as long.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Octopus 1-you up for tennis? Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again Octo1-..we dont have elb Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL
TIL: 64% of Statistics Are Made Up
Did you hear about the Asian kid who had that one night stand? He had too many books to fit on it
I accidentally got my mom prego... :( She wanted Ragu.
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer? Ash.
What do you call a Chinese Billionaire? Cha Ching.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad
I once hung out with Lebron James and Nicolas Cage... ... and they spent the whole day trying to outflop each other. :)
"Hey sorry Im overprotective, guess I just get nervous since I watched OUR FAMILY GET MURDERED!" -What the dad on Finding Nemo shouldve said
how to dismiss awkward boners "Don't worry about him...he's a real dick"
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Clones. Clones are people two.
Captain Oveur: Say Joey, you ever been in a cockpit before? Joey: No Sir, but I have been in a chicken coop.
Q: A word that defines "a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism." Sorry, this was "a riposte".
I accidentally dropped my girlfriends epilepsy medication in the washing machine... ...now her clothes don't fit anymore
What is the KKK's favorite soup? Clan chowder
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court
I was going through a few magazines at a Pride parade the other day I was really enjoying it, but then the weapon jammed.
Happy birthday George Lucas. To celebrate we'll be removing the iconic happy birthday song from your party & replacing it with a worse song.
Cosmo says "untamed va-jay-jays" are back in style. Can't they call them car wash mitts like the rest of us?
What is the appropriate response when your cat tells you a joke? You've gotta be kitten me. You can SPEAK?!?
interviewer: what is ur weakness? me: follow up questions interview: care to elaborate? me: [quivers with fear]
Imagine This... Smeagol ( Lord of the Rings ) replaces in Tryion ( Game Of Thrones ) For Game Of Thrones
I tried to share a subway sandwich with a homeless man on the bus. He kept telling me to fuck off and get my own.
Two fish in a tank... "Do you know how to drive this thing?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
OBSERVATION Boobs are proof to women that men can focus on two things at once
Can you spell soft and slow with two letters? EZ.
[tense situation in the war room] "Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it'll blow.1-4-7-teen" CRAP [huge explosion]
I miss the things we shared together. Not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway.
Gold, frankincense, but wait... there's myrhh
If you're gonna take the high road,wear a skirt. I need something to look at from the low road.
You can't face the problems, if the problem is your Face.
The best things in life aren't things.
No one should knock on Oscar Pistorius front door tonight.. Last time, his girlfriend said "trick or treat" and he shot her.
What's a neckbeard's favorite country? M'laysia
Teachers be like... That is improper grammar!
I hit 350lbs on the bench press today And I think I broke a rib after I fell on it..
Hate when Walmart doesn't have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
TRUMP: Hillary won't stand up to America's enemies. I will. *Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
If you're ever feeling bad about your life just remember that there are people out there who bought tickets to the Kidz Bop world tour.
Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club. Teen: Of course not dad! Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
What do you call a politician in a house fire? Burning Sanders!
Teacher: I wish you'd pay a little attention, David. David: I'm paying as little as I can, teacher.
My girlfriend asked me how do i see lesbian relationships Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the right answer.
A study shows 95% of black men enjoy sex in the shower the other 5% haven't been to prison
I'm so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Q: Did you hear about the guy that threw away a duck? A: He got down in the dumps.
I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don't hurt his feelings
If caitlyn Jenner goes missing Do they put her photo on the back of a bottle of tranny fluid
Did you know what 6.9 is? its a good thing screwed up by a period
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in 3 minutes, I just got laid this morning.
If every time I didn't have something nice to say, I didn't say it at all, people would think I was a mute.
What's the difference between the Panama Canal and Nancy Pelosi?? ... ... .... One is a busy ditch.
squirrel making love A squirrel was making love with a nut. another one passing by is shocked: are you fucking crazy? the first one: no stupid, I'm fucking nuts.
Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Just like winning the lottery... Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right.....we had 6 matching balls.
What do you call a guy with diarrhea who just had his father committed to the insane asylum? A crap happy chappy with a slap happy pappy.
How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but she charges me extra for weird stuff
Rest in peace boiled water You will be mist.
I used to be an expert on the DunningKruger effect... ...but then I began to learn more about it.
why is 6 afraid of 7 ? because 7 is a child molester
How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water they lack taste and they need dough.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it
a good dentist and a bad dentist finds out about a new candy store opening good dentist: oh man, i hope the people who go there brush and floss regularly bad dentist: ALRIGHT!!! job security!
I've got a major hate-over after Hitler's birthday yesterday... Needless to say, things got a little heated.
Good Girls Vs Bad Girls Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot.
A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a Bench... and they see a group of young boys walk by. The Priest says "Do you want to fuck those kids?" The Rabbi says "Out of what?"
How do you write a song that appeals to the gay audience? Just sit on a D! Edit: I tried this out on several of my gay friends n they loved it
What did one Snow Man say to the other? Hey, you smell carrots?
55378008 Calculator
What do little miss muffet and ISIS have in common? They both have curds in their whey.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever *Dies laughing *Over 6 billion die laughing *Germany and Russia survive *Coz nobody left to explain the joke
2 old nearly deaf guys sitting on a park bench say to one another Boy, sure is windy out. No its not. It's thursday. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astronut.
Just because nobody complains Doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
i have two wives and i take care of them both equally and love them both equally. ain't that bigamy?
what happens if you drink 3.14 liters of water? you will Pi ss
That show "Catfish" should just be called "People Who Have Never Heard of Google."
My girlfriend lost the key to her chastity belt. But she's too lazy to go looking for it. She can't be fucked.
Are jokes about Islam funny? Absolutely, they're a blast.
Auto correct doesn't work when I use caps lock. My phone is like "woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he's wrong"
How did Jared lose 40 pounds? He dumped his girlfriend
What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.
What's the worst part about eating a vegetable? Taking her out of the wheelchair and putting her into bed.
How did Bob die, when he went on a trip to Africa? He got "boar"ed to death.
No prosecuting Trespassers will be violated
I'm like the packaging on a CD really hard to get off but it doesn't matter because no one wants you anymore
Bought some sneakers off of a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
What's the difference between extremist and /r/the_donald? At least one group can grow a beard.
I was standing in the middle of a park... Pondering about why a frisbee was growing larger and larger... And then, it hit me
Me: I'm sorry Aquaman, but talking to fish just isn't a super power. Aquaman: oh yeah? *squints* a dolphin scoots to my car and shits on it
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
People can be so fucking rude when they catch you listening in on their conversation.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
What are Jehova Witnesses called in Chinese? Ding Dong!
It's that time of year. Can't stop eating cornucopias.
The Seahawks were going to go to Disney World... but they decided to pass.
Taxi drivers seem pretty sad these days... I guess you could say they're, *uber* depressed.
What did the police officer say to the man who was urinating publicly? "Urine trouble, mate!"
LPT: If you don't have a SO, pray to God every night and see if that works. If not... try Satan.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume* "Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have."
Why should you feel bad for the gay homeless population? Because they don't have any closets to come out of
I went to a zoo but the only animal it had was one dog It was a shih tzu
Remember when? Remember when the worst thing about Volkswagen was that they made cars for Hitler?
*looks up from phone* ...nah *looks back down*
The bible says "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you" But I think that's sexual harassment.
Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are
What did the Buffalo Say to his Son as he left for school? Bison
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
If the opposite of pro is con... Wouldn't the opposite of progress be the congress?
Tip: "Montreal" is short for "Monsters Are Real." The city was originally given this name due to its abundance of monsters.
I guess this is why they don't let kids be lawyers You just know one would've gotten Jared off.
Why do people throw coins into foutains? Why do people throw coins into fountains? I don't know, doesn't make any cents.
I hate when I'm in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Why did a kid throw the butter out of the window? To see the butterfly! I ll jump out of the window now!
What's the best things about Anti-Jokes? They have a large following!
Cinco de Mayo jokes, eh? Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? TEQUILA!
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest. Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
A man walks into hospital "What's with Jane ?" "It doesn't look good" "Yeah, I know, I'm asking about her health"
What's the difference between America and Yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for 2000 years it'll develop a culture.
I like my beer like I like my women... ...anything goes as long as I'm pounding it with a friend.
What is a 6.9? A 69 ruined by a period.
My buddy's daughter just told me this joke. I am a grown woman damn it, but I cannot stop laughing. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? | | | | | An irrelephant.
Think about it from the other side. Think about the hangover movies from chow's perspective...
How many rapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one. But they totally wanted it.
I don't care how awesome the Internet is...if we don't have hover boards, then we are not in the future.
How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there'd be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I overheard a guy complaining angrily about the NSA tracking him Some people are so annoying when they have a chip on their shoulder.
TIFU by creating a click baity post [Made up story that's not as bad as title implies]
What do you call two girls having their menstrual cycles? A menstrual bicycle.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: "Stop, collaborate, and listen," then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If you add enough jalapenos no one will ever know you're a bad cook.
Women are like Siberian Tigers... They're both very pretty to look at, and you can have a lot of fun with each IF they're unconscious, but if its a live one, keep it the *hell* away from me.
I repaired my drums after my son broke it... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.
My city is holding their annual incest competition... I've entered my sister...
COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off* [3 years later] COP *walking his dog*: wait a second...
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
My mother said if never be able to build a car out of spaghetti.. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
What do you call a cow masturbating in an open field? Beef-Stroke-Anoff
Which dinosaur named all the others? The Thesaurus
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Why is Tumblr so unhealthy? It's full of trans fats.
What happens on the first date with Bill Cosby? I don't remember
How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl. An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.
Hey baby, is your father a thief because he stole the stars and he put them in your eyes and also my TV is missing.
What's the difference between Tinder and the PokemonGo app? Nothing, it both requires swiping to find monsters in your area.
Be specific when saying "BYOB": [bursts into house] Hey, I brought beers! *7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.
How many buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the enlightment comes from within.
Ten years ago I gave up alcohol and women... it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. -George Best
If you're not cheating on me, then why won't you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him? Get bent!
What do you call a soda in love? A Crush
So Recep Tayyip Erdogan says to Michelle Bachelet, "Do you want to get together and make some dinner?" For you dense fuckers, this joke is playing on Turkey and Chile's presidents.
Me (digging a hole): how's this? My clone: at least 6 feet deeper Me: you sure there's treasure? My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church? "No thanks." Don't judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects... "WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"
I Like My Women Like I Like My Math http://spikedmath.com/comics/138-i-like-my-women-like-i-like-my-math.png
What do you call a Jamaican squid? Calamarley
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say "don't try this at home"? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands? A: Because they're two-tired.
Psychic convention canceled due to unforeseen circumstances
I haven't seen the democrats this mad at republicans... ... Since they freed the slaves
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? one's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean.
Why didn't Pinocchio make it thru puberty? He caught on fire.
A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor... Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out." Patient: "I want a second opinion!" Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."
Making fun of someone's age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you're standing a little further down the tracks.
Ek sardar Kele ke chilke se fisal kar gir gya Aage phir dusre chilke se gir gya ab teesre chilke ko dekh kr k bola...?? Shit ab phir se girna padega
Raped by a canadian A woman called the police saying she was raped by a canadian, the policeman asked how she knew he was canadian. She said he said sorry after.
In Canada, every board game is called "Sorry!"
So, I'm officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We're planning a June wedding!
Contest in a girl's college write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery. Winner's story Oh god I am pregnant I wonder who did it
I would tell you about my penis... But its a long story
Argario make me like a pornstar... First I'm say I'm going to eat all the balls. Then I scream THAT'S THE LARGEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!!!
When I was 15, the headmaster called me into his office and informed me that he had decided to make me Head Boy.I was really chuffed for about 10 seconds, then he started to unzip his trousers
[Job Interview] "It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?" *Eats rice with chop sticks* "Holy shit! When can you start?!"
Did you know David Guetta was French? In fact, I heard, in his hometown, he's also called David BaGuetta! HA^HA^HA^HA^Ha^ha
What do computers eat for snacks? Micro-chips.
What do you call a cute shortcoming? Flaww
Circle jerking For when you and your friends want to finish more than each other's sentences.
Is your refrigerator running? Good, then I'm voting for IT for president!
Richmxnd's life.
Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Australian Police are on the look out for a serial Aboriginal basher I called them up about it, apparently it's not a job
While I'm not much of a cook, I know enough to cut sandwiches in triangles to make them taste better.
I was gonna tell a joke about a midget giving head but that'd be a low blow.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
My girlfriend is the squareroot of -100. She's a 10 but it sucks because she's imaginary.
My friend said he's going to a fancy dress party as a small Italian island..... I said don't be so silly.
I once heard that "Time flies like an arrow." But all I knew was that fruit flies like a banana.
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese Girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
My girlfriend says she prefers a dildo over me. I never saw it coming
Sending everyone soggy empty boxes this year with a note - Hope you enjoy this expensive ice sculpture made in your honor. #CheapChristmas
What is in a virgin candy bar? Cherries and nuts
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change!
What the beat part about having sex with twenty-one year olds? There's twenty of them!
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods. Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Why didn't Bungie stick with Halo? Because it wasn't their Destiny.
Will I ever be a good parent? *shakes baby* Wait a minute, if you're here [cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Did you hear about the guy who spilled beer on the stove? ... He had foam on the range.
Did you hear Trump's children will be outside security advisors? Trump Don-un and Trump Don-il will serve our country well.
What's a stoner's favorite body of water? The T.H. sea
A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction. -shrugs- It wasn't hard.
What do you call a man holding a machine gun? Sir
What would Donald Trump do to nuclear weapons? He fires them!
My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas. He's ready for Twitter.
What do you call a factory that produces quality goods? A satisfactory
gotta ove Valentines Day roses are red, violets are blue, I'm not a good poet, ...you're hot.
*unzips jeep window* boy i sure am glad i bought this dumb horseshit *zips jeep window back up*
How does James Bond type e-mails? With his goldfinger.
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? To find a tight seal
Every car should also have a second, super gas light so you know when you actually need gas.
Why are women like condoms? Because they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Wife holding bank statement: What's this payment? Me: we're sponsoring a panda! W: so is this monthly? M: No, it's just for the one skydive
How do you lead a horse to water? With carrots
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles
Why was Luke Skywalker late? He didn't run, ewok-ed.
Her: I'd take a bullet for you. Me: How soon can you do that?
What would North Korea be renamed to if it was taken over by a Scandinavian dictator? Norse Korea
An Irish man walks out of a bar. Hey, it could happen.
A bought my girlfriend bondage supplies as a gag gift She was at a loss for words
"Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?" [googles but can't get wifi] Well son, that's when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Why is the symbols row of my keyboard swearing at me
MY WEDDING: tetris theme plays as i slowly inch down the aisle, trying to perfectly fit my finger in the ring
Two Men Walk Into a Bar the third one ducks
My Dad is a real family man. He has three of them
What's the only acceptable filetype at The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning? .docx
Russia's most prolific musician? JOHN LENIN
What do white girls and web developers have in common? nobody ever compliments our back end :(
Did you hear about the fly on the toilet? He got pissed off.
There will only be 7 planets left... After I destroy Uranus.
5-year-old: *hits her sister* Me: Keep your hands to yourself. 5: Me: 5: *kicks* Me: And your feet. 5: Me: 5: *headbutts*
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your  face.
What do you call a rabbit with lots of fleas? Bugs Bunny.
What's the difference between "for free" and "for nothing" I went to school for free, you went to school for nothing.
A fake ID that says you're only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Baby I'm no weather man but you can expect a few inches tonight 
I explained to my friend that he shouldn't be afraid of drowning in the sea because of Archimedes principle. But he was too dense.
I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse. When do I get Adult Supervision?
What did the African have for breakfast? E Bol A Cereal
What do you call the queue to Alcatraz? Alkaline
I walked 10 miles today. I knew I shouldn't have let my dad name my dog.
How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god it.
[Ouija Board] "Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets" You'll die soon "OMG HOW" Hold on I have another call
I had a parrot that talked . . . but it never said, "I'm hungry." So it died.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he's worse than a tweet thief; he's a time-travelling tweet thief!
How do you keep an asshole in suspense?
What kind of fish is made of two sodium atoms? 2 Na!
Princess Diana died of dandruff They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.
"I'm going to be a little bit late" -people that are going to be very late
I've been dating a homeless woman recently and I think it's getting serious... She's asked me to move out with her...
What's the only painful car rental company? Hertz.
Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships? Because they'd miss each other.
I think I'm emotionally constipated ...I haven't given a shit in days. (my daughter told me this just now  new to me, hope it's new to you too)
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bride ! Bride who ? Bride and Prejudice !
Dude, multiplication is like advanced adding.
How come nobody created this obvious children's toy? Squeaky Fromme dolls. Think about it. They'd make good doggie chew toys too....
Sorry if this is a re-post but ... Here's a great knock knock joke - but you have to start Ok, knock knock Who's there .......
What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? Wheeeeee!
What do you call a Roman warrior with hair in his mouth? Gladiator Get it? Glad He Ate Her..
Want to know where to find the worst pun in Alberta? Call gary
[Date] Her: Any hobbies? Me: Monging mostly. Her: Huh? Me: I'm a monger Her: Huh? Me: Iron, fish, war... You name it -- I'll monger it
I wouldn't mind getting arrested today because I'm having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.
Why do Australians always win 4D chess? Double check, mate
What does December have that other months dont have? The letter D.
[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is taco ME: four please JUDGE: we're not- ME: with chips JUDGE: ordering ME: *lips on mic* extra guac
Today I was asked by a Red Cross member if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan I said I would, but I don't have a hose that reaches that far
Restraining order Why did Mary get a restraining order against Black Beard the Pirate? He kept trying to plunder her booty.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has died following a stroke but why she was following it, nobody knows.
It's pretty cool how Atheist prayers are just thoughts about actually doing something useful.
Why did the zombie move into a studio apartment? Because he didn't need a living room anymore!
Two bitches walk into a bar. The bartender says there's a collar for both of you.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in the freezer.
How did Trump describe his trip to the bathroom? It was a movement like the world has never seen before.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it.
Say what you will about terrorism in Europe At least our planes take off and land at an airport.
GUY 1: I beat cancer GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe GUY 1: So what? GUY 2: And I didn't tell anyone about it when I got back GUY 1: You win
What do you call Squidward when he gives DNA results for a living? You call 'im Maury. :)
An old woman and pizza delivery are a lot alike... They both "come" with a crust filled box.
Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet? Because she thought it was Diet Coke
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I'm an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It's because I'm poor.
What was Anne Frank's middle name? Ashley
[sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*
Hickory Dickory Dock... Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one But the rest escaped with minor injuries. (Something my grandfather told me when I was five)
What's a pirate's favorite video game? **Call of Booty.** Because there's mighty phat loot and booty ta be pillagin' and plunderin', matey.
If singer/actor Meat Loaf got sick and refused treatment... the newspapers headline could be "Meat Loaf Aday keeps the doctor away"
The South Carolina Church shooter didn't know if he could start a race war... ...but he decided to give it a shot.
Possessio is nine tenths of the word. [Source](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ej8EaLF382c)
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass rex
Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world There is an idiot pulling a door that says "Push"
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? full
i throw my homework in the air sometimes, saying ayyyo, ill take a zerroo.
What's it like to go down on an ewok? It's alright, they're just a little chewy.
My thesis on Orbital Flatulence took seven years of hard work... Well, that's what I tell everyone. I was really just farting around.
Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.
Every time you watch Jersey Shore another book commits suicide
Everyone have a Good Friday! ...I'll show myself out
"Scientists discover female insect that has a penis". Bet it originates from Thailand.
I lost my mood ring... I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about this.
I can never be a fan of Negative People... Squarely rooting for them is simply... Imaginary.
Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, "you're not my real hen!" and run away
What happens if you pass gas in church? You have to sit in your own pew.
I have been smoking weed for almost 13 years. Or about a baker's dozen.
I opened the window... And influenza.
What was Hitler's favorite Yu-Gi-Oh card? Blue eyes white aryan
There's two things I hate in this world Racism, and the French
Tripped in a curry house... It went from bad to worse when slipped into a korma (coma) I just invented this joke. It might only work with Mancunian accent?
Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden?... A month later he was picking his teeth
How many cops dose it take to change a light bulb? 5 one to replace the bulb and 4 to beat the room for being black.
Why is Divorce so Expensive? Because it's worth it.
I bet even your farts smell good.
A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms.
Did you hear about all the Hamburgers that showed up at the Hot Dogs' prom? They were in abundance.
What do Mexican people use to keep warm? Faheaters.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? because his wife died.
Why don't snakes have balls? Because hardly any of them know how to dance.
Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C! [ I'm^so^sorry ]
Marriage Law ! If you marry one girl, She will fight with you ! If you marry more, They will fight for you !
Rick Astley will let you have any movie from his Disney collection except one He's never gonna give you Up
What's the final digit of the square root of 2 (2)? I don't know, sometimes radicals can be irrational.
I could not have been the first to figure this out? soo. Wetty Fap ;)
What's the difference between 'Oh' and 'Oooh'? About three inches
What did the train say on the way to Auschwitz? Jew-Jew
Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
What do you call a good looking Spanish/Jewish guy? Flacowitz
How an Illuminati living in the arctic is called? An Igloominati
Steven Gerrard obviously believes his best chance of winning the Premier League is to join the MLS and then hope that Man City try to sign him.
You know what they say about people with big feet. They have big shoes
What do you call a Nazi doctor that served in WWII and only took animal patients? A Veteran Aryan Veterinarian!
2 "black" questions that aren't racist. What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking in a house fire. What's black and screaming? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
70's kids won't get this... Social Security benefits -50's kids
I've made many sacrifices to get where I am today. Most of them were children.
What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.
Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..
Paleontologists have just discovered a new species of dinosaur that was predominately lesbian... They're calling it the Lickalotopuss.
Stay away from this guy!!!
Why aren't there any British Communists? Because communists believe all proper tea is theft.
here is no straight way to wash a cucumber.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
It's 2017, and President Hillary has ordered the minting of new coinage to celebrate female empowerment in the 21st Century. What is the new coin called? A Shilling, of course.
Why do Gastroenterologists have such a passion for their job? Because they find the components of one's stomach very intestine.
TIL Albert Einstein married his cousin. That's how he discovered the theory of relativity
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.
Why are hurricanes named after girls. Because there not himicanes
Once upon a time I tried to make a joke in a music class Sadly, it fell flat.
Jews and pizzas What is the difference between a Jew and pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
David Cameron: "In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked." Buckingham Palace?
The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar. My life has been pretty uneventful since.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer? Shiver me timbers!
If I'm reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.
Donald Trump said he is going to do an AMA from the space station For upvotes
"Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!" - Realtor headshot photographer
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Did you fall from the sky? Not because you look like an angel but because your face looks like you fell from a really high place ;).
"Did you know Yemen is the most mentioned country in everyday speech?" Person 2: "Really?" Me: "Yeah, man."
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.
How do you stop clowns from attacking you? Go for the juggler
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee  cord around her ankle they put it around her neck
She told me if I turned off the light I could put it in her butt I guess I should have let the bulb cool first.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino? elephino. (Hell if I know)
I was trying to think of a Legend of Zelda pun... But I don't want to tri and force it
Why couldnt the NSA whistle blower leave russia? He was snowed in
How come no one tries to blow up the Pope? I thought he was inflatable.
What did one Pencil say to the other ? Your looking Sharp!
If Kevin Spacey doesn't sign his name like this Kevin E Then he's pretty damn stupid...
How do you know you've had a really good orgasm? When you have to pull the sheet out of your ass...
Chuck Norris is considered to be high-class Norristocrat.
Vaginas are like the weather If its wet, its time to go inside.
Raising awareness: Pinatas create unhealthy expectations of levitating rainbow donkeys.
I thought we had the right to bear arms but when I got them I was arrested for animal abuse
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
You're riding a horse full speed, a man on a giraffe at your side, and a ferocious lion in hot pursuit. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
What does it mean when a girl likes a 12 inch dick? She has a foot fetish. :D
If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned.
What's the worst thing about being black and Jewish? You have to sit at the back of the oven
My Calculator is missing the minus button. But on the plus side.....it still works
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Why did Marx pay for dinner on the first date? Because his utopia might be classless, but he's not
why does dr. pepper come in a bottle? his wife died.
When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof... I WAS SHOCKED!
Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you'll never forget.....
A man walks into a bar... and his crippling alcoholism is tearing his family apart
Unless you're a direct descendent of a horse, don't chew with your mouth open.
The Holocaust was real... How dare you deny The Holocaust?! My grandfather died in Auschwitz man Yeah, tragic... he fell out of the guard tower.
Why do feminists hate Medusa? She's always objectifying people.
Shark Week is just a holiday invented by the underwater camera industry.
How does a Gorilla become another animal? When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the  big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon!
What's the difference between a black man and a bench? A bench can support a family
The best American joke of all time Healthcare
How do programmers get a sixpack? int[][] abs = new int[2][3]
Not to sound like a badass or anything but I completed this puzzle I got in a hour... The box said 2-4 years.
i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats
Obama bans hiring bias against ex-cons seeking federal jobs He was quoted as says, "well, we politicians need somewhere to work after leaving office".
How did the pilot like his hotdog? Plane.
Who stole the sheets from the bed? Bed buglars.
why do people carry umbrellas? because umbrellas cant walk. (ba dum tsss) i suck at jokes :((((
I lost my job at the calendar factory Because I took too many days off.
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any kind, buildings can't jump.
how many screws hold together a lesbians bed? None it's all tongue and groove
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!
Don't call it traditional marriage if it doesn't improve relations with neighboring fiefdoms
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Did you know that 69 is now 96? With this worsening economy, it costs a lot more to eat out.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Because they have big fingers! Not mine. Told to me by my late grandfather, funniest pastor ever. :)
Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night. Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I'd come back after a month
I've been told I'm a compulsive liar and a hypochondriac but I don't worry about it.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic I wont take no for an answer.
Why is helen keller a bad driver? Because she's dead
I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating. He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.
It's not that I'm antisocial. My phone just happens to be a lot more interesting than the entire human population.
My relationship with the time traveling girl was over before it began.
"I don't get the fuss about Ronda, I've knocked out plenty of girls", Cosby states.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Do you know what's the hardest about being a narcissist? Well, when I'm looking in the mirror, me.
I'll always remember the day my wife said "yes" to my proposal. And I'll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.
How do you get your stomach pumped? Swallow a speaker playing "Remember the Name"
Wanna know why they burnt down the cvs pharmacy in Baltimore? They stopped selling newports...
Knock Knock Who's there ! Catskills ! Catskills who ? Catskills mice !
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe? A: "Holy shit I can talk."
TIL that black eyes are hereditary You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.
An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery. "What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband. "Keep sending them!"
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about a dollar seventy nine, deer nuts however are just under a buck
How do you cook toilet paper? It's easy, you first brown it and then put it into the pot.
Why was the illegal immigrant so offensive? Because he crossed the line
I have never managed to find a happy medium All the one's I've ever met have a haunted look to them.
I never loved you any more than I do, right this second. And I'll never love you any less than I do, right this second.
I recently broke up with my mobster boyfriend... Turns out he was sleeping with the fishes.
So proud watching my son fight invisible monsters in the outfield while the ball rolls right past him.
Canadians like to brag about getting all four seasons: Winter Almost Winter After Winter Not Winter
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What's your best Bear joke?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I'm writing a swiss novel But there's a lot of plot holes.
I know kung fu, tae kwan do, ninjitsu, karate, tia chi... and a few other asian words.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Militant Femminist Barbie ...with an assault rifle
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden* *puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table* Him-YUCK!!! Me-You've changed
I'm dyslexic and wanted to write Santa But Satan showed up.
I started a merkabah business. It really took off.
What great song is associated with  hamburgers and baseball? 'Steak Me Out to the Ballgame'!
God: ok u can make one human that's it Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
You don't love me? Don't worry, the first step is denial.
Algorithm Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don't drink, I'm not that shallow. You have a driver's license, right??
How do you pick up a jewish girl? In a dustpan.
Ireland has an abnormally low amount of children with down syndrome Because they ate all the potatoes
A horse hiking in deep space. Star Trek: Deep Space Neigh.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
The worst thing about being single is wondering if I'll ever have kids. Like, what if I just keep making money & having fun forever? Scary!
There's a song about dancing like Uma Thurman, but not about dancing like Gaston. No one dances like Gaston!
What do you call a lonely cow? Beef Jerky
So I was walking down the street, when suddenly it hit me... I guess I was too deep in thought to notice that bus coming.
When I die I don't want a big funeral. I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life...
Emotions are like shit Sometimes you've gotta let it out
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus' party than RSVP'd but he still had enough cake for everyone
Everyone claims Bill Cosby didn't care about his victims.. but eventually they all came to
You can get used to everything. Except an icicle up your ass, because it melts before you get used to it. - A Finnish Proverb
Sweet Wife: Do you love me.... Sweet Wife: Do you love me just because my father left a lot of money for me? Naughty Husband: Not-at-all honey. I would love you no matter who left money for you.
I would love to know what it's like to be handsome for one day... ... because everyday is just too much.
Donald Trump walks into a bar and lowers it
I always cry before getting intimate with a girl Does someone have tips against pepperspray?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did... did it work?
How do you pick up a Jew in a concentration camp? With a dustpan.
if you don't like my new 'southern belle' style of talking i got half a mind to give you the vapors
There are two cavemen sitting by a fire... One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, "You like beetles?" and his friend says, "No,*CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy."
What does a blind pornstar say when she's surprised? I did not see that cumming....
What's the difference between a group of intelligent midgets and a girls xc team? One is a group of cunning runts and the other is a group of running cunts.
What do French people do when they don't have bottles of their favourite beverage? They go to Cannes
[creating man] GOD: They need air to live ANGEL: Done G: And food A: Ok G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes A: wtf?
What I've learned from Twitter: 1. Men are pervs 2. Women are pervs 3. Cats are pervs
My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. Then I got kicked out of the library.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
I told my sons i would buy them each a new Nerf gun. Me: "Im going to buy you boys a new Nerf gun today" Son: "I don't want a Nerf gun i want a Transformer" Me: "It's Nerf or nothing"
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? "Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"
How do you get Dick from Richard? You ask him nicely.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I'm a take me or leave me kind of girl. Wait, where ya going?
Koala joke Where do koalas go to school?
So I took a bite of a Hoagie that wasn't mine... Oops wrong sub.
What's the difference between a blowjob and a ham sandwich? wanna go to lunch?
Why is Obama left-handed? Because blacks have no rights
How did the blind priest find the choir boys? Satisfying.
My friend came out of closet to me recently "I am gay", he said to me. I didn't believe my friend. I thought he was kidding. I said... "How can you say that with such a straight face?"
I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Did you hear about my time machine? I sold it next week
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I'll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I feel sorry for melons... They cantaloupe!
*walks up to cute teller at bank* Me: you wanna grab lunch some time? T: sir, I've seen your balance. M: yea, I was hoping you'd buy.
Why are constipated people so rude? They don't give a crap
I never question my sanity, I'm afraid it will answer back.
Neil Armstrong v. Michael Jackson What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong ACTUALLY walked on the moon and Michael Jackson raped children.
The sexts are coming from inside the house!
How many Nazis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?? One. He makes three Polacks do it at gunpoint.
"Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk."n"What makes you so sure?"n"He is a penguin."
Mario recently broke up with Peach. His reason: "It's not a-you, It's a-me, Mario."
I've considered shaving off my beard But it's starting to grow on me
two guy's are sitting on the front porch in the yard they see a dog licking his balls one say's to the other do you think I could do that? his buddy says maybe but I think you should pet him first
What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband? Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.
What is Donald Trump's favorite Christmas song? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.
What do horses hope for on election day? A stable economy
Remember when you blew bubbles as a kid he called to say hello.
Baby Bear: Someone's been eating my porridge! Mama: That's wonderful, dear. Papa never eats Mama's porridge anymore. Papa: Jesus, Linda...
If you were a hot chick. You probably just hatched!
How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.
Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I'm over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn't recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
How did the jews fight off Nazis? Jew jitsu
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Godzilla Barbie ...six foot tall lizard with Barbie head
How do you fit 4 gay men on a barstool? Flip it over.
What do you call a female with down syndrome? Debby Downer
I want to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.
Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission? He was always Stalin in his manual!
Maybe the seventh time around I'll feel different about finding something I want to eat if I glance in the fridge just once more.
A girl in China lost her virginity at 12. Her name is "SUM YUNG HO"
I like my Women how I like my Coffee. Ground up and in a bag :^)
Apparently Miley Cyrus called out Taylor Swift for being a bad role model It sounds like Miley has some Bad Blood.
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year
What do you call a lesbian driving a Ford Windstar full of penises? A dick-van dyke. -Credit to Louis CK
I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day.
Whats the best time to go to the dentist? 4:30pm It let's you out of work a bit early with a valid excuse
I have a good joke about a nice balloon. Oh wait. It just got away from me.
I got a job installing security systems... I find it pretty alarming
Fords new heated tailgates.. Fords working on a new heated tailgate feature, that way when you have to push it in the snow your hands won't be cold.
You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because his wife is a bitch!
Tried to catch fog today Mist
Did you hear that Protons have mass?... I didn't even know they were Catholic!
How does trump like his eggs? Whites only
I'm crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Why do you never see a Teddy bear ordering dessert? Cus they are always stuffed.
What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white? Alive...
George Ezra must really love his calculator if he wrote a song about it. *Cassy O'*
When my Grandad fell ill the doctor told us to rub olive oil into his back. He went downhill very fast after that.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn't just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
The Energizer bunny as been arrested! He was charged with battery. EDIT: "H" key on my damn keyborad.
Sit down and let me tell you a story. Once Upon A Time......last night......I had a few drinks and......borrowed your credit card.
Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, Water gets chuck norrised
Are you a pinky toe? Cause I'm gonna bang you on every piece of furniture in my house
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You Pokemon!
Do you know why God made Adam and Eve white? Ever try taking a rib from a black guy?
Wife finds her husband watching tv Man yells, 'No don't do it!' Man yells louder, 'Don't do it, you idiot!' Wife asks, 'What are you watching?' Man says 'Our wedding tape.'
What do you call an alien from Austria? Austalian
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
How many people does it take to start a riot? -3/5
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card? Guy: They're all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I was going to make a joke about thailand... But Phuket.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.
Why do women love men who work with Horses? Because those men have got Stable jobs.
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? If we stick together we can stop this crap!
Need an ark? I Noah guy.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
I can't see my Dad now he's had a sex change He's trans-parent
livin la vida broka
A Buddhist buys a hotdog and gives the vendor a $20 bill.. He takes a bite and then says "wheres my change?" The vendor replies "change only comes from within"
What is Hitler's least favorite letter? The gas bill.
About that loan officer that had too many frozen margaritas over the weekend . . . He was a lender with a blender on a bender . . .
I was called a racist for saying black paint today... Apparently the correct term is, "Tyrone paint the fence"
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
Why is the Prime Minister not seen in the morning? Because he is PM not AM
What's the funniest joke that doesn't reference itself? Clearly not this one!
What makes Rihanna different from other black people Work
Mexican Magician A Mexican magician was known for his vanishing act. He would drape a sheet over his head and count: "Uno! Dos!"...........POOF! the sheet fell flat. He was gone without a Tres.
Indian restaurant I was at an Indian restaurant last night when the waiter came over and said,"Curry ok sir"? I said 'ok one song then fuck off.'.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar It was tense.
What's the difference between a woman coming out of church and a woman taking a bath? The woman coming out of church as hope in her soul!
I take issue with people stealing magazines.
What happened when the mexicans wife passed out on a hot day? He had a hispanic attack
I left my house for a five-mile-run this morning. But when I got a block away, I had to turn around and go back because I forgot something. I forgot I can't run five miles.
What do an optimist and a paraplegic have in common? They're not carried by *defeat*
What is the most positive thing in a ghetto? HIV
What does a mentally challenged Time Lord use for travel? A retardis.
What do you call an Irish guy with no arms and no legs hanging out on your front porch? Patio Furniture.
Last year I turned my life around and lost over 200 lbs People ask me what's your secret? And I'm like "It's simple, I dumped my girlfriend."
I for one is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.... A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
"Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan," says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The thing I love most about dad jokes... ...is how they keep pushing the boundaries of humour father and father.
What does BBW actually stand for? Boobs below waist.
Did you hear about that hole in the wall of the strip club? The police are looking into it.
What is a Mathematician's favorite thing to drink? Root beer. (tbh: found on a Laffy taffy wrapper)
I want to handle the topic of traditional homosexual polygamy Just like my four fathers did
What do Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and Ayn Rand have in common? They are all dead.
Q.) What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other? A.) An air mattress.
Break a mirror and get 7 years of bad luck... Break a condom and get 18
what retail store does a cat go to when it loses it's tail? a retail sto- goddamn it I did it again
So, I was working on my truck today.. And the brake cleaner started to get me high I forgot what I was doing. So, I was working on my truck today...
Damn team mate are you the ladbible? Because you are baiting me so hard.
What do soy products and a vibrator have in common? The both substitute meat
Want to hear a joke? Adam Sandler's career
Did you hear about the ghost who got a vasectomy? He had phantom loads.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn't have an answer.
Just had a really enlightening yoga session! LOLJK! I'm drinking warm whiskey out of a water bottle designed for hamsters.
Knock knock! 'Who's there?' 'To' 'To who' '*to whom' 'Kill yourself'
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
AMD should make a self-driving car... ...because they specialize in creating things that don't come with drivers.
I got a dog and named it "Twenty Miles". This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.
HAHAHA...sorry....dont hate me Donald Trump....enough said
whats the difference betweens a violin and a fiddle? A violin has strings and a fiddle has strangs.
Where does a Jewish farmer become a man? At his Barn Mitzvah
A local police department was broken into tonight - reports say all the toilets were stolen. Police say they've got nothing to go on. (This joke courtesy of my dad)
Teacher: Fred I'm glad to see your writing  has improved. Pupil: Thank you Teacher: Now I can see how bad your spelling is though !
What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh?? You gonna eat that?
A man asks his blind daughter what her favorite color is... She responds "My favorite color is orange. It is the new black after at all."
Where do some popes get their vestments? Urban Outfitters
What is a black cat's favourite TV show ? Miami Mice !
[at the drs] Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yeah Dr: with real people Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him **your fish** for a lifetime.
They should make it slightly less easy to ruin everything.
b b q why is it that latinos don't bar b que? the rice and beans keep falling thru the grill
Asian people, when surprised, look similar to white people who are staring into the sun
Why do neutrons shoot through dense material, but get reflected by softer material during Radiography? Have always been curious of this.
HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for? Me: Fire My Lazy Ass? HR: ... Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that's inappropriate.
Now's a good time to change your facebook name to "Nobody," so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, "Nobody likes this."
A Priest a Rabbi and a Scientologist walk into a bar... The Priest orders an orange juice, the Rabbi orders an apple juice and the Scientologist orders a lawsuit for libel, slander and defamation.
Which is the only insect that needs to wear shoes? Mosqui-toes.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds* *turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal* "So, what did you order?"
What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Receiving reddit gold was like losing my virginity. I knew it would never happen again.
What does Darth Vader identify as on Tumblr? Ana-kin
What do you call Sherlock Holmes when he's constipated? No shit Sherlock.
I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition. Never been used and only dropped once.
Kim Davis's Daughter was Fired by the SPCA She wouldn't feed the strays
There should be a self-destruct button for when someone catches you taking a picture of yourself.
jared from Subway What's jared's favorite sub? A junior with meatballs!
What do you call 2 chainz on steroids? 2-Gainz
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you. Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36. Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The reception was great!
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed. One-Night-Stand: It doesn't work like that... Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A man was arrested standing next to his homie coz it was homie side
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: " I'm tired ." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I am your sister-in-law."
What is Josh Duggar's second favorite dating website after Ashley-Madison? Ancestry.com
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying. - Alex Horne
What do you call a baby Matt Damon? A new-Bourne
Yo Momma So Fat Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number.
How do you make a dog drink? Just throw it in the blender.
She threw her vibrator on the subway tracks... It didn't work; the train didn't come any faster.
What's the best part about being cremated? Finally achieving a smokin' hot body.
I got a walk on part in a silent movie about mimes. I'm absolutely speechless.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Last term, we had our first black president. But if Donald Trump wins... Orange is the New Black.
I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said "it's me or your fishing." Gee I miss her.
My cousin likes to eat cereal with water instead of milk He says he does it to drown the cornflakes because he is a cereal killer.
A blind man walked into a bar... And a table, and a chair
Before the internet, it was way harder to google stuff
When a black guy gets shot, what are his communities favourite snacks? Dindu Muffins
For as long as I can remember... ...I have had memories
A man gets shot in the foot. As he's driving to the hospital, he gets pulled over for speeding. The cop says to him, "Someone's got a serious case of leadfoot."
How did colonel Sanders take over the chicken market? A coup.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can't part with them Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted? Me: Um no, just holding hands
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
I'm not gay, but 20 is still 20.
How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Gas chambers don't have light bulbs.
A marathon runner walks into a bar.. The bartender says why the long race?
[Court] "Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Me: yes. *GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
So I heard they've leaked the working title of the Reeva Steenkamp biography... "I'd rather die standing than live on my knees."
I recently wrote a book about poltergeists.... They're flying off the shelves!!! (Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)
How to be a Canadian: 1) Love hockey 2) Use good manners 3) Drink Tim Hortons 4) Live in a igloo 5) Hunt moose with stick
There are 2 types of people in this world... those that can extrapolate from missing information.
Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world? A. Pennsylvania
Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked.. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
What Is The Difference Between Jews and Pizza Jews scream in the oven. I'm going to hell.
Earth's scientists have discovered that sheep are smarter than most primates. This explains why not a lot of sheep tune in to Jersey Shore.
A junkie walks into a gay bar,..... he goes straight to the bathroom and starts banging ron.
What's the difference between Trump and Clinton? 62 Electoral Votes
What is a Fecalpheliac's favorite time of day? Ate Turdy
When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. Neat huh!
What do 12 year old mexican girls and born-again christians have in common? They both have a little Jesus in 'em...
Cardinal: Ordinations are down Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster? C: Slogan? P: "We separate the men from the boys!" C: Um... Any other ideas?
How does Moses prepare his coffee? Hebrews it.
Where do rednecks eat in the city? Hick-fil-a
Sometimes I'm tempted to run into a Gym and tell men which machine they should be using to impress women. It's called an ATM.
Why was the baguette excited for his audition? He heard he might be playing a big roll
7 out of 10 people believe in Life after death. The other 3 don't even like cereal.
My brother's joke I went to the zoo the other day and there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu!
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after!
A facebook friend posted, "I'm not ashamed of Jesus." It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, "Uh oh. What did he do now?"
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!
Told my wife I was taking her on a date to the cheesecake factory and she thought I meant some restaurant
Good women are found on every corner of the earth but sadly the earth is round.
"Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.
What's green and smells like ham? Kermit the frog's finger
I like my coffee like I like my women... In a burlap sack and on the back of a donkey.
A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Where'd ya get it?" The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)
This joke came to me while waiting on my iphone repair at the Apple store.. What do people at the Genius Bar drink from? -Einsteins
What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee? A Mugging.
Affirmation or irony? Yes.
If a marine is underwater... Is the marine called a sub-marine?
What does Hitler call something that makes him mad? Infuhrerating
Gandalf is the new head coach of the Seattle Seahawks
Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.
What's the difference between me and Christmas? My wife isn't disappointed when Christmas comes early.
What did the gay deer say after he left the bar ? Man, I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there
What do you call something that only 9 or 11 can fix? An untenable situation
I bought a toaster with variable browning control but all it will say is "Take away love and our earth is a tomb".
Why is there no life on Mars? No WiFi...
what sex position makes an ugly baby??? ASK YOUR MA!
What do you call an antelope that's really bad at being an antelope? A cantelope.
The ISDS (Investor-State Dispute Settlement) clause of TTIP sounds so crazy that I begin to wonder: ISDS the real life? Or ISDS just fantasy?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Searched for a PI service in my area... Got a delicious apple in the correct geometric shape, but didn't really help me figure out who my wife was cheating on me with...
I accidentally killed a squirrel when I prepping the campsite. It was unin-tent-dead.
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes her skin had the glow of a peach her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl. Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
"I'm still a virgin" -theres plenty of fish in the sea "Ur right. I'll find someone" -no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, dang it! BREATHE!
If cancer is ever cured it'll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.
I slay pussy like I slay dinosaurs Not at all.
Sobriety test Cop: You been drinking? Me: No. Cop: Say the alphabet backwards. Me: Alphabet the. Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter. Me: Each letter.
What word begins with "N" and ends in "R" that I wouldn't want to call a black guy? Neighbor.
My costume budget is pretty slim, so I'm going as 'disinterested millennial' for Halloween this year.
Going to church doesn't necessarily make you a nice person... It does, however, make you sleepy.
I can't take the time to exercise but I did some killer cardio pacing indecisively in front of the Ben & Jerry's section of the supermarket.
What did the clitoris say to her therapist? "I'm a bundle of nerves right now!"
Getting the girl isn't as easy as they make it look in the movies. They don't trip as often, and when you do catch up they get the machete away from you. :\
Microsoft is like a stripper. They don't like you, but they act like they do so you can give them more money.
How do you tell if a lesbian installed your flooring? It's all tongue and groove.
How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds? He dumped his girlfriend.
[At auto store] Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires? "Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength."
Off is the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
What does a spider want to be when he grows up? (This is really good guys...brace yourselves..........) A web designer.
Hello, Doctor. I have a problem - people ignore me... - Next.
How many Trump supporters does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't need light bulbs, the burning crosses provide enough illumination.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my fucking eye out.
My dog gave birth recently. My dog gave birth to a litter of 8 puppies. We named one puppy johnny, he is a real son of a bitch
Knock knock. Who's there? Yes ! Who is there! HortonHearsA Who !
I bet centaurs never know who to root for at rodeos.
What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.
My favorite short joke. How much cum does a queer have? ... A buttload. I always found this humorous because a lot of people use 'shit load' or 'fuck ton' as units of measure.
You can lead a horticulture ...but you can't make her think
People who say "the future is now" don't understand how time works.
When your boss says "you're getting a little behind," he won't appreciate it when you wink and say "been working out-thanks for noticing."
You didn't like it. I was going to tell you a joke about my time machine
Watching seals have sex has got to be the most disturbing thing I've watched today over and over.
If you could go back in time and kill any person for the good of the future, who would you kill? Trump
What do whales and milk have in common? They both cum in gallons.
A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else. The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"
The Middle East Where you have to chose between a genocidal dictator or an extremist mob. (Well, except Turkey; they got it mostly together)
What is the difference between your wife and your job? 5 years later your job will still suck.
What does a guy drink when he wants to go out with a girl? DATERADE
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the newspaper! ... Didn't get it? Of course not. ..the chicken got it!
What do Italians do when they're waiting for somthing? They pasta time.
What's a Navy SEAL's least favourite drink? Canadian Club.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello from the other side.
Suprise me! I went to the pub last night and the barman asked what I wanted so I said "suprise me" He then showed me a naked picture of my girlfriend
Was on a date with this girl and she asked me if I would tell her my Reddit username, so I did. My face still hurts.
I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "
What Do You Call 4 Mexicans In Quicksand? Cuatro Cinco!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.
I am so glad that I poop in a toilet, rather than a bag. Given that I did that for 14 months of my life, perspective is a nice thing.
Is an inactivist a thing? Because I think I am that.
Two Communists are hanging out at a nudist park... One says, "So, have you read Marx?" "Yeah, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Greg was so hungry he ate a frozen steak. He hadn't really thawed it out.
My sex life is like flipping a coin. I'm not getting head whenever I chase tail.
sent someone a text that said "you need medieval catheter" when i actually meant "medical attention" and i didn't bother correcting myself
women and their purses! haha what's in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men's medium sweater in there
For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to "like" Lysol on Facebook?
What do you call ranch dressing that has gone bad? Raunch
There was a girl in my school with breasts on her back. She wasn't much to look at, but she never missed a slow dance.
why did the blonde have a blue vagina? she didn't fully understand the label "finger paint".
Has anyone seen the movie "Constipation"? Oh that's right, it hasn't come out yet. It's probably shit anyway.
Two nuns are riding bicycles down a bumpy road... One turns to the other and say "I never came this way before".
Why did the iguana get a prescription for viagra? For his reptile dysfunction.
A dog limps into a bar and says... I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!
What do you call a potato that's reluctant to try new things? A Hesi-tater
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.
What do Canadians put on their steaks? Eh-1 (Sorry)
"Who ate all the crackers?!" - racist cannibal.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word "girl" with "gerbil".
How many people from Svalbard does it take to change a light-bulb? Light? What's that?
What did one hungry unborn baby say to the other? Fetus
Why do white peope call a Indians paiutes? Cuz paiutes was a Indians first words and they were like 30yrs old!
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
*smacks you with my coloring book* Wow. These coloring books really do work to relieve stress.
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.
What is Donald Trump's favorite music album? The Wall
To my student loans I am forever in your debt.
What is the difference between a group of Pygmy riddlers and a lesbian track team? One is a group of cunning runts and the other is a group of running cunts.
Her: Ok, on 3 lets,say what movie our marriage is most like. 1.. 2.. 3 *simultaneously* Her: THE NOTEBOOK Me: SHAWSHANK REDEMPTIONOTEBOOK
[OC] What do you get when you rub two orange juice boxes together? Pulp friction.
Car broke down. Seen enough Man vs Wild to survive. 20mins later when the tow truck showed up I was drinking urine out of a poodle's skull.
"Jesus take the wheel" -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
The worst part about being bitten by a venomous spider... ...Is that you're probably Australian
You can have any movie from Rick Astley's Pixar collection, except for one He's never gonna give you Up. ^^^^^^sorrynotsorry
TIL of Cunningham's Law It states that the best way to get the right answer on the internet is to ask a question.
Hermione Granger: What can I wear that won't make me look fat? Ronald Weasley: An invisibility cloak
I've been trying to think of a name for my Cricket shop. But I'm stumped.
What does a Ferrari and poverty have in common? Princess Diana can't stop either
Why are mimes such good rapists? The D is silent. &lt;i just thought of this! be gentle with me&gt;
"Daddy, where are all the bastards?" Puzzled, I looked at my four year old son in the mirror. "What do you mean?", I asked him. "Well, when mummy is driving there are bastards everywhere."
The sentence "I'm aware" isn't very scary Unless you put Wolf on the end.
I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...
What do you call a circle of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins! (Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)
Beauty is in the Eye Of The Tiger.
The area of a pie So I asked my maths teacher how to find the area of the pie I had made that day. He said, easy, you use the are formula A=r2. I said, no this is a circular pie.
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water.
DR DOG: We need to talk about your weight. PATIENT: I'm not fat. I'm just big boned. DR DOG: *drooling everywhere* Just how big exactly?
Just ask Tommy Hilfiger it out.
Two men walk into a bar (under 10 second joke) Two men walk into a bar.......... See that's weird because if the first guy didn't see it, the second guy should have.
When a guy thinks that older women are more into him than they actually are... Is it an example of the Dunning-Cougar effect?
Why did the stand up comic quit comedy to become a obstetrician? He needed to work on his delivery.
Vodka isn't the answer to my problems but its worth a shot
Why are chorus girls like barge horses? They have to tow the line!
Why did that animal's wife get a divorce? Because he was a cheetah.
One of my friend told me that she got accepted at Dalhousie University... I told her to stay away from the dentistry students
How did Jesus get to the other side of the street? He used the Cross Walk.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef strokin-off.
What do you call an Asian race car driver Nobody knows
Knock...Knock... Who's there? Interrupting cat... Int(meow)err(meow)upt(meow)ing(meow)(meow)c(meow)at(meow)who? Meow...
Want to hear a joke about construction? Sorry, it still isn't finished yet.
I have a huge clock. Some would even say it's pendulous.
I just found out that I'm colorblind It really came out of the purple!
If i get a rat tail... If i get a rat tail on my chinese food, should i complain or is it on the house?
Why did an emo become an accountant? There's no cuts like tax cuts.
I think I'm developing a taste for foreign films like Tokyo Drift.
Are you a belieber or a directioner ? I'm A I-Dont't-give-a-fuck-er.
I'm going skiing in Colorado. They say there are a lot of blacks there. But there are a lot of blues and greens as well, so I should be okay.
Did you hear about those Indian heptuplets who became dangerous criminals? They were known as the Seven Deadly Singhs.
What do pothead barbarians say when 420 rolls around? 420 raze it!
Yoda tells a joke at the annual Christmas party. Why was five afraid of seven? Because Six Seven Eight
What do nuclear physicists eat for lunch? Fission Chips.
When I'm sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve's house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.
I Remember The Last Thing My Grandpa Said to me Before he kicked the Bucket He said "Hey, how Far Do you think i can kick this bucket?"
Put a load in the dishwasher last night She was mad I didn't pull out.
parents just reaming ms frizzle out at a pta meeting. "you took our kids to god damn outer space. we didnt even have to sign a form"
What's the difference between askreddit's mods and askreddit's subscribers? Askreddit's subscribers are ok with offensive jokes.
How do you win a late night argument with your deaf wife? You turn off the lights.
Lew Schneider on Sunblock We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It's SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
You are what you eat Asshole
What do you call the act of lying about Penis size? A Phallacy
What do you call three Make-a-Wish Foundation kids? A genie.
Why do white people rely on asians so much? Because without them, they'd just be cauc.
A Polish guy goes for eye test. Doctor points towards the last line on Eye Test Chart, S I S Z T R Z T O W S K I Doctor, "Can you read that?" Polish guy, " Read that? I fucking know that guy!!!"
2 guys walk into a bar The third one ducked Thank you I'll... Leave now...
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
What do you call the horse than lives next door? A neighbour!
I painted my computer black so it would run faster. But it was shot before it could start running.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.
When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.
Northern women have PMS Gals from the south have FTS. Fixin' to Start
When I went to church today I farted So I sat in pew
What does a Jewish pedophile say? Want to buy a candy?
Want to see 45 years of wrinkles disappear in less than one minute? nsfw Rub my penis.
how can you tell..... how can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? when she sits on your face you can no longer hear the background music
I've always wondered why Rolf Harris never played any string instruments But I guess he figured out other ways to finger a minor
Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.
How much Viagra do you have to give a computer to turn its software into hardware? Just enough to completely fill up the floppy diks drive.
Did you find my horse well  behaved? Indeed whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
Why do flies hate the shower? Because the only thing to eat is shampoo.
If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results
Why the F1 driver doesn't get along with his crew? He has thrust issues.
Who is the fastest runner in history. Adam - because he was the first in the human race.
So my genetics professor reported this morning that diarrhea has a genetic basis According to her, it runs in our jeans.
What's the difference between dead babies and salads? I don't put my salads in the microwave before I eat them
Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer? Because he had been told to ice it.
Do you know what i did the first time i got a boner? Went outside. I didn't know how big it would get.
When you eat the entire frozen pizza by yourself, the slogan changes to "It's not delivery, it's depression."
So Charles Manson is getting married... Yeah, I thought life imprisonment was a big enough punishment already.
The only reason /r/funny is funny
Hooked up with a Medium at a bar last night I think phony was a fake because she didn't see me coming.
I like telling this to my tall friends "You know, I really look up to you. Literally."
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a cab?
Why can't Kylie Jenner see her mom? Because she's trans-parent
I have a dream... That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want.
Ever notice that Reddit is obsessed with correcting mistakes? Me to.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Dad: Why are your nails painted two different colors? Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward's anger.
How do you make your wife scream after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtain.
A man goes to join the navy Instructor- Do you know how to swim? Man-wait...they don't provide ships?
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants. One's a crusty bus station while the other's a busty crustacean.
THE SUN HASN'T RISEN IN SIX WEEKS AND THE ANIMALS ARE AGITATED. THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM JUST SAYS "THAT'S ALL FOLKS"
Have you ever noticed that in a pack of biscuits there are always broken ones? I don't know why they even bother putting them in.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?... Their knees. (Not sure if this one translates well to english)
TIL Schweiger
"Houston we ... are fine." Female astronaut probably
My essay on sick, long necked mammals had lots of errors in it. My teacher said it was a rough giraffe.
What do you call the sequel to Straight Outta Compton about Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg? The Next Episode
Why was Hitler bad at math? Because could never find the Final Solution.
My grandma told my 25 year old cousin that she has finally gotten used to his beard... He agreed. "Yeah, it has really grown on me."
You know you're a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you. Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Russian burglar What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots
Knock knock..... Who's there? Interrupting terrorist. Interrupting terrorist w- Lololololollololololo (Bang)
My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
Two fish were in a tank... One fish says to the other "You man the guns, i'll drive"
please stop asking me to change my password, i'm getting tired of renaming my cat all the time
You'd think by now the Food Network would have late night adult shows with roast beef, cream pies and salad tossing.
Never sky dived before, but I just zoomed google maps way too fast. Pure adrenaline.
Dinner at robots family Mum, dad and little robot. Little robot asks his mom - What we'll have for dinner today. Mom replies: SCREW.
How do you have a party in space? you Planet!
What is the difference between God and a police officer? God doesn't think he's a police officer.
If NASCAR wants me to believe it's not a sport for idiots, they should stop reminding the drivers to start their engines.
Why hadn't the law graduate and the bartender ever met? The graduate never passed the bar
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The Wall Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work. The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
Pablo was a family man. That's why he had two of them.
My dream car is shaq wearing heelys holding me up by my hips like simba
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Have you ever stopped and thought about why the republican party of America has a donkey as a symbol? After yesterday we all know why now.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can't make it to your 85th bday
What happens when ducks fly upside down?? They quack up
Egg and a sausage sizzling away in a frying pan The egg says "fuck me its hot in here". The sausage goes "fuck me, a talking egg!"
What did water say when ice farted? Ice melt it.
my wife's friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he's having a hard time even looking at me
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
The best color is cyan. It's CYAN-tifically proven to be so.
I try not to judge my barber for his weight but.. He could be a hair trimmer.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
For her birthday, my wife asked for something that went from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds... I got her a scale.
I'm going to take a shower and wash my hair, only to have it washed later at the salon. Because, I'm a woman and that makes sense.
My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
What's Harry Potter's favorite way to go down a hill? Walking. Jk. Rolling.
What do you mean by being loud? quiet the opposite.
When to leave your girlfriend? When your wife's clothes start to fit her.
Why did the programmer put on his glasses? So he could C#.
According to a dating app, Amazon employees are more desirable than employees at other tech companies. Plus, if you sleep with one, they will recommend someone else you might also like.
Step on a crack, break your momma's back! So then I went on a walk with my family. I stepped on a crack, looked at my mom, and said "Why didn't your back break, mom?" "You're adopted."
I introduced my friend to my first wife. She said she was actually going to divorce me if I kept calling her that.
I wish that Game of Thrones was on Twitter So George RR had to limit it to less than 140 characters.
My DNA results came back and apparently I'm .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I've ever had. About anything.
A MILF is a sexy ass mum over 35. If you're 18, you're just an idiot with a baby.
Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.
You know what would be ironic? If People were made of irons.
So it's world Philosophy day today and I was trying to think of something deep to say... The best I could come up with was lagoon.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it.
There were two flies sitting on a toilet seat... one got pissed off.
I feel like I have something to prove here. Judge: That's sort of how this works.
What's AlQaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
How do you feel when you don't have coffee? Depresso.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one.
NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That's what my tax dollars are going to? You're tracking a fictitious fat dude?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Imagine going to a theater in 1765 to see Mozart play symphony number 30 but as soon as he starts playing, the bass drops and people go nuts
I was gonna make a joke about Mohommad But you have to draw the line somewhere.
The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie that was drowning? Because he was too far out, man
I recently sold my vacuum cleaner all it was doing was gathering dust
How did the blind skydiver know he was about to hit the ground? He felt the slack in his dog's leash.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
FEmale The original iron man. (clever feminist joke I read on a T-shirt. Not actually a huge feminist.)
Barista: Can I get a name? Me: Free [Later] Barista: I've got a caramel macchiato for Free *fights break out as I smile from the corner*
What's the best part about five year olds? They're hands make your cock look huge
Three of the ugliest people in town were found beaten and lying in the gutter... Police don't have any leads yet, but they think it was a facially motivated crime
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Why was Fernando Alonso upside down? Because he Haas been hit!
[Jesus entering surf contest] Judge: What type of board will you be riding? Jesus: [looks at feet] They're using boards?
And God said, "Let there be light"... ..and American beer turned into water. And it was bad.
go to college so you can get a job to pay for college
My superpower is being able to talk to dead people... they can't talk back, though.
A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!
Why did the Vampire's girlfriend break up with him? Because he was pain in the neck!
What did they do at the Boston Tea Party ? I don't know I wasn't invited !
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
What did the snail on the turtles back say? WEEEEEEEEEE!
"Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!" "Dad, just once, couldn't you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?" "ARISE!"
"please human with me" - bear
I tried to catch fog yesterday Mist.
Did you know sex is hereditary? If your parents didn't have it, you probably won't either.
What do you call two women standing side by side? Four abreast!
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Australians don't have sex. ... Australians mate
Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a  cheese platter.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Why was everyone laughing at the sculptor? He was making a funny face
Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
I like guys marrying my sister like I like my pinata coladas Full of rum! (Currently attempting to write a best man speech for my soon to be brother in law)
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
I have 10 jokes, the first 9 are funny but the last one is hilarious. * Funny * Funny * Funny * Funny * Funny * Funny * Funny * Funny * Funny * Hilarious
A crazy girlfriend is like a box chocolates, They will both kill your dog.
And the award for best neckwear goes to... Well, would you look at that... It's a tie.
Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing? Yeah, me neither.
What did the dubstep valentine's day card say? I wub you
Cokie's Shit Welcome to my shit
Q: What's red and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket.
Farts I hold in! You might not get it. It's sort of an inside joke.
What happened to the plant outside the math class window? It grew square roots.
What do you call a mexican who has a rubber toe and lost his car, Robert carlos
Did you hear about the priest that had a Nicotine patch on his dick? (NSFW) He's cut back to two butts a week
She was only the stableman's daughter but all the horsemen knew her.
Why does the mushroom have a lot of friends? He's a fungi
What has four wheels, and flies? A Garbage Truck.
Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well Teacher: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!
Love voicemails from my grandma that start with "hello?....HELLO??..." and end with her trying to dial another number.
Q: What happened to the Polish National  Library? A: Someone stole the book.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Baa-dum-Tsss.
(Creating Atheists) God: Make some humans Sciencey Angel: Will they believe in you? God: No, but they'll be so surprised when we meet!
What is your favorite change a lightbulb joke?
So, I found three different sized socks while cleaning my room. That's odd...
tegrof reven 11/9
RIP boiling water You shall be mist
A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby. Say farmer. Is that bull safe? Well he's a lot safer than you are right now!
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh... 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
So I shot an elephant in my pajamas.. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know.
A song is being released in aid of the families of the Malaysian Airlines flight... It's Ukraining Men.
Nice truck! Sorry about your small d^i^i^i^i^k
I used to pray for a new bike... then i found out that's not how god works so I stole one and prayed to be forgiven
What do you a call tree sex? A treesome...
Me: why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie Surgeon: wtf M: he was too far out man S: how are you still awake we heavily sedated you
Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: WHAT?
Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU'RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.
What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? An ironing board's legs are hard to open.
A joke my kid told me today. Him: dad guess who is the smallest family in the world? Me: I don't know, who? Him: the atoms family. Not bad for 7 years old.
"if theres a spicy brown mustard, why not a spicy brown ketchup?" The wise man smiled. "my friend, the condiment you seek is Barbecue Sauce"
A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy walk into a bar Bartender looks up and says "get the fuck out of here"
I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day He was a Barber.
Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Great slogan for an abortion clinic... No Fetus Will Beat Us!
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
What is a robots favorite sex position? 1000101
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Hey Customer Service  Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?
I cooked for my fiancee's parents for the first time As I handed out the rarely cooked steak Harry (her father) said, "I like it well done." I said, "Thanks, that means a lot."
I only like foods that begin with the word "cheesy".
What would be the worst meal for a football wife? OJ and Rice
Why did the run on sentence think that it was pregnant? Because its period was late.
Are there any one word jokes ?
Have you ever seen the movie "constipation?" No? Well that's because it hasn't come out yet.
What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink? Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.
I went the school of hard knocks... My knuckles are still sore.
What is a NYC nanosecond? If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green.
I just got married to a young woman from Thailand and she told me that a small penis is okay. I still wish she didn't have one though.
CPR is a lot like church... CPR is a lot like church: you go up, down, up, down, up, down. The only difference is that you don't get snacks in CPR.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people. We haven't met yet.
The start of a child porno Little girl: Uncle, how are babies made? Uncle: Take your clothes off, I'll show you.
How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin? She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.
Did you hear about the Irishman who  tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.
Featuring tweets in an article is a newspaper's version of giving up and wearing sweatpants everywhere.
If electricity always flows in the path of least resistance Why doesn't lightning always strike in France?
And that's why I never argue with my wife. Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school. Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs. Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.
Don't walk around the city at night with a lot of bread in your pocket. You might get rolled.
they'll never listen to us Wife: I lost my keys again Me: Its in your jeans Wife: Don't drag my family into this
If you miss your ex Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again
Yo mama so fat she uses the interstate as  a slip and slide.
What did the Father Buffalo say to his boy as he was leaving for college? Bi son (dangit, not sure how I tagged it dirty. Submitted on my phone through BaconReader)
The Fine Bros. 'React' announcement was like a television with no antenna. Poor reception.
How often do women become completely unreasonable? Periodically.
Hey girl, I'm no doctor but I can diagnose your condition... You have acute butt
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump? Because orange is the new black.
*sees happy person* Can u stop that
A guy sees a blonde across a lake He shouts to her "Hey how'd you get on the other side of the lake?" she replies "You're on the other side of the lake!"
There it is again. That feeling that I'm the only one in line who's ever been to an airport before. It's uncanny.
What's black, covered in teeth marks and no longer in use? Philip Seymour Hoffman's belt.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
A Catholic named Jose climbed mount Olympus. He saw God at the top and said "Hey! Zeus!"
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
chuck norris once played pokemon black, caught a lvl 0 magikarp and beat the whole game
I like to finish everyone's drinks at parties and then call them out for being drunks.
What do you call it when a gay couple has a heated argument and one of them stabs another with a knife? *a homocide.*
What do you call an Egyptian surprise attack? A Tut offensive.
I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal about Black Friday... Personally, I think all Fridays should matter.
What's similar between drinking American beer and screwing in in a canoe? They're both fucking near water
Based on the reaction of the pharmacist who just sold me cold pills, I need to work on my "I'm not going to make meth with these" smile.
Barack Obama 1,000,000 people showed up to his inauguration, only 14 missed work.
Q: What happens when a frog parks illegally? A: It gets 'toad'.
Other girls think they are quirky because they pet dogs at parties. I on the other hand, fear death but also long for it
What do you call a fat Mexican? A Juan-Ton
Not liking me will always be your problem. Never mine.
Rupert Grint bursts into the room, "Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!" "Serious?" "No, Ron."
Dark humor is like food... ...not everyone gets it.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cod ! Cod who ? Cod red-handed !
What's the difference between a van and a minivan? A van picks up kids. A minivan picks up your kids
A popular post on reddit about a clothing store has to be a hot topic
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot
The most annoying thing about being a 1.6 meters male is that when I step on money I'm always short on cash.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. Canadian person was smarter
[Don't let hot barrista know I'm a goose] "Can I get you a coffee?" Just a honk chonklate for me "A what?" CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
"If you removed all the arteries, veins, &amp; capillaries from a person's body, and tied them end-to-end, the person will die." -- Neil deGrasse Tyson https://twitter.com/neiltyson
Sheep A Welshman was asked how many sexual conquests he had. He began counting them................and fell asleep.
I'd like to execute g0d. But how can you execute vacuum.
You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons. How ionic.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don't look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Alcoholism doesn't run in my family. It walks. You spill less beer that way.
How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
i was turned down by an eskimo girl she wasn't Inuit and had a hundred words for no
I tripped in front of Stephen Hawking. He lol'd.
I don't understand how Authorities can tell us that we "Can't Negotiate with terrorists..." I just got a free can of Coke with my kebab...
A fish with one eye... Was swimming along in a lake when he accidentally hit his head on a wall of concrete...and do you know what he said? Dam.
What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space? "You're two shellfish."
Sonys network security
Why do I vape? It's how I let off a little steam.
Your best "Your pussy's so..." Your pussy's so wrinkled I mistook it for an antique coin purse.
How did the Pianist play without fingers? Not very well at all...
Girl are you a social cause? 'cause you look like something I can get behind!
Boobs without nipples They're pointless.
"Oh, look at the moon!" I've seen the moon. Thanks.
"ooOOOooo" "oooOOoo" "oooOOoh" "OoOOooh" --spirited debate
My beef with you is that you're too chicken to pork me.
mother told me this What do you call 5 mexicans, and asian, and 5 black people in your front yard?? Water sprinkler.... spic-spic-spic-spic-spic---CHINK---nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga
What do you call a big debate. A *Mass-Debate*
BARBER: what'll it be ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes BARBER: u got it
What happened to the defeatists poker business? It folded.
A man is found dead surrounded by 53 bicycles. How did he die? He had an ace up his sleeve.
Knock knock "who's there?" interrupting cow with alzheimer's disease "interrupting cow with alzheimer's disease who?" knock knock "who's there?" moooooooooo ::silence::
Bill Cosby runs into a bar one day. He saves it for later.
When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram.
Why did the prostitute die? Because fuck you, thats why.
If the Charleston killer had been playing Call Of Duty... ...he would have 9 to 0 racial
A fox snuck into the chicken coup last night and killed them all... Authorities were unsure whether to label it a coup d'etat or a henocide...
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think "oh that girl's not looking at ME she's looking at EVERYTHING"
I do not have an OCD over tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up.
"Good to sea you" is a hilarious thing to say when shoving someone off a cruise ship.
H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge
They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.
"Are you ok?" "No, I'm bleeding because its fun."
How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD? It took the bus.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bonnie ! Bonnie who ? Bonnie by soloflex !
Whats the best thing about being a meth addict? Only two more sleeps until christmas.
What song to snakes like to sing ? Viva Aspana !
how to tell.... do you know how to tell if your room mate is gay? his dick taste like shit
will you marry me? no, marry Christmas!
Why doesn't Rihanna smoke weed anymore? Because she's taken enough hits.
How long does Charlie Sheen last in bed? Two and a half minutes.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4-year old child? Eric Clapton never would have let his bag of coke fall out a 53rd-story window!
My friend told me that he never learned to use a bicycle I told him it's not too bad, its like riding a bike
Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden? We're raising mashed potatoes.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like. RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM
Nitrogen Monoxide Having Nitrogen Monoxide as parents would really suck. Every time you ask them for something, they'd just be like, "NO".
Hitler Joke Hitler is smarter than you. At least he knew when to kill himself. (   )
Girls can be so ungrateful sometimes... I made breakfast in bed for her and instead of saying "Thank you", she was all shouty like "How the hell did you get in my house...?"
Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.
How many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; one to hold the bulb and the other to serve him beer until the room starts spinning.
I went to a paraplegic fundraiser It was crawling with pussy
Did you hear about the soldier who had the entire left side of his body blown off? He's all right!
Two peanuts walk into a really rough bar Unfortunately, one was a salted
What kind of wolf never runs? Steppenwolf
Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless..
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn't become Batman.
What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend? Long time no sea.
Why do elephants have four feet? Because six inches would never satisfy a female elephant.
I like my men how I like my wine. Twelve years old and locked in a basement.
Why can't rappers rap about nice things? YEAH GIRL I'm GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHS AND ....... Give them to a homeless guy because he's cold
"How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars," I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I've started a new business making statues of people who can tell the future... ...so far, I'm making a prophet.
Trump wants to make America great again, Hilary wants to make America whole again. Together, they can make America a great hole.
What do you get when you mix a leper and a con man? A lepercon. (In honor of Saint Patrick's day.)
My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
People that say "money can't buy happiness" either have no money or buying the wrong things.
Hurricanes are like a divorce in West Virginia There's lots of yelling and screaming, and somebody looses a trailer. -joke from my chem teacher today
I like my women like my wine... 9 years old and locked in the basement
What do you call the exact opposite of progress Congress
My therapist diagnosed me with oppositional defiant disorder but I told them they were wrong.
What do you call the gingerbread man's ghetto cousin? The wonderbread man.
Guy tells buddy he thinks his wife is dead, when asked why, he said........ "The sex is pretty well the same, but the dishes are piling up"
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?"
For Sale: 2kg of Mentha sachalinensis Mint.
Trying to think of a good chemistry pun But all the good ones argon
Q. How would you write do not touch in Braile? A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)
Coming to work drunk, it's like a computer games Your main task is get pass the boss.
My family is very poor. If I don't wakeup with a boner on Christmas morning I won't have anything to play with.
I wish there was a "skip this ad" button that I could use when talking to annoying people in real life.
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5 It was a pi rated DVD
Waiter there is a worm on my plate ! That's not a worm sir it's your sausage ?
How do you stop all the protests and riots? Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down
Why'd the blonde snort a line of Splenda? She thought it was diet coke
Which is the most common font i Mexico? El Vetica.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many
Damn, girl! Is that a mirror in your pocket?... ...You conceited bitch!
Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon? It doesn't need cleaning
Eggs and Toast walk into a bar And the bartender says, "We don't serve breakfast here."
I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up.
A guy storms home and yells at his wife "You slut! I know everything!" The wife smirks, and calmly replies: "Oh yeah? Then how high is Everest?"
Elephant Hunter I used to hunt elephant but had to quit.. Carrying the decoys got to heavy.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
What do natural gas and sadists have in common? They're both propane.
yo mamma so fat she make a whale look bulimic
Somebody get me a maple tree ... asap!
My Bathroom I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.
Funny joke What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a turtle?  A slowpoke!
Doctor Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift! Well tell her to come in I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
My girlfriend said she wanted to try new condoms with something a little special inside them I said "what's that?" she replied "Other men."
Steve : I'm going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra. *Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
April fools day on a news channel Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
When a friend asked what the sex is like with an older man... I simply said, "He's got a lot of experience, under his belt" ba dum tsss
I accidentally ate one of my dog's bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN'S OUTSIDE
So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he's going up on the wall.
Donkey and a rooster So let's say I have a rooster and you have a donkey. If your donkey eats the feet off of my rooster what will you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
*drops pizza slice on the floor Hey can I get another slice? *eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I'm shit at telling jokes. I always punch up the fuck line.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped the coffee *before it was cool*.
I had a girlfriend.... I once had a girlfriend with a taser.... She was STUNNING (Old joke possibly in this reddit too....)
[job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" I'm always hungry "That's not what I-" *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
On Monday nights, I give my plants the pleasure of a striptease show by watering them with ice cubes.
What is a blonde's mating call? ''NEXT!''
What Do You Call a Bearded Man Whose Idea of Paradise is 72 Virgins? Richard Branson.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn't speak English well enough, like you aren't the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I have been trying to lose weight so I've been keeping my junk food in the basement. This makes it cellary.
Doctor asked me for a semen, stool and urine sample. I said, "Hell doc, I ain't got time for that! Can't I just leave my underwear?"
And the final rule of Fight Club is... ...just have fun and try your best.
A spokesman for Kelloggs says the company now fears the recent incident may be the work of a cereal offender.
What do we call the process which usually happens after a company deliberately sells a misleading product to its customers? DLC.
Question everything. Or should you?
Why do Ninjas always wear black? The skilled ones don't.
What's the difference between a bag of dead babies and a mercedes? I don't have a mercedes in my garage!
What did the monster say to the  Thanksgiving turkey? "Pleased to eat you!"
A neutron walks into a bar. The neutron asks "how much for a drink?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge."
What did the pig say when his wife left him? "Don't go bacon my heart"
What is a moo hoo for a sheepish steer? A woolly bully!
A book fell on my head I can only blame my shelf.
So Hilary, what are your plans for economic development and beating ISIS if you ever win the election? "I have a boyfriend"
Q: What did the Indian say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot? A: "How Come?"
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like? Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved. Kylo: Leia: Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness... It came out of the green.
A pedophile chicken has sex with an egg... Obviously the chicken came first.
Obama: Dave, it's Barack, we have an updog situation at the white house. Cameron: What's updog? *Obama high fives entire oval Office*
Me watching the Olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!
Wanna hear a zoophile joke? So, this guy gets into a bar.
There's a new TV show on AMC about people who run away from grains and wheat. I hear they call it The Walking Bread.
What do you call a statue of a ballsack? A scrotum totem
Genie: What is your first wish? joe: i want to be rich. genie: granted. what is your second wish? rich: i want lots of money.
Today I decided to study abroad... Or maybe two 
There is nothing wrong with window puns, I just don't like to shed light on them.
How much do dead batteries cost? Nothing. They are free of charge!
I bet Stephen King's kids aren't afraid of shit.
If I was smarter, I would know so much more stuff.
I sure get a lot of compliments on my people skills for someone who flips off 10 people every day.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes Obama: Joe Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
You know why Russia is more productive? They're rushin'
Sue: I'm off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles* Stan: A power cut.
Fred: I've added these figures ten times.  Teacher: Good work! Fred: And here are my ten answers !
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult.
me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack. A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said "better put down that phone."
Dog Joak! FIRSED PART OF JOAK: how manny dogs does it take to scroo up a lite bulb? SECKENED PART OF JOAK: it dipends how you pyle the bodys.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alba ! Alba ! Alba in the kitchen if you need me !
I'm really bad at portioning uncooked pasta...so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Why are there no Bruce Lee jokes? Because Bruce Lee is no joke.
How do you get Reddit to improve their search function? Have CNN report on how bad it is
I'm getting old, The only way I can screw a woman... Is to borrow money from her and not pay her back. (Credit given to my friend. i'm not that clever.)
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who can read binary, and those who can't.
Would you like to know how to read minds? It's simple! Just relax. Take a deep breath. Minds Minds Minds Minds Minds
What US state was founded by black prostitutes? Idaho! get it I - Da - HO.
Guerrero wanted the boxing match to be outdoors tn but... He was afraid of the May Weather.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? Holy shit this blew up
Why'd the factory worker hate their job? Because it was soda pressing.
How many feminists do you need to screw in a lightbulb? None. Lightbulbs promote rape culture.
A guy I work with farted on the elevator... It was wrong on so many levels.
But is that likely? Whaaat __ You don't know Lee? Pleasant chap, though he doesn't fancy being compared to a butt.
What do you call a white Arab prince? A milk sheikh
What is a nation inhabitated and reigned by stoners called? A hallucination.
Why did Raggedy Anne get kicked out of the toybox? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming "Lie to me! Lie to me!!!"
I like my women like I like my coffee strong, reliable, and forcing me to take a shit around noon every day
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Haikus are easy But sometimes they make no sense Refrigerator.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
ME: *taking their hand* It's okay. We all struggle with connecting. RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Why did Hitler always win foot races? He was the fascist one.
A guy with a rock on his head hit someone and was charged with basalt and hattery.
A girl came up to me yesterday and told me she had constipation. I replied - 'no shit'.
What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas  game? Mean-opoly.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30. Use protection, young people.
When you first learn about the Banach-Tarski Paradox it sounds cool... ...but, when you break it down, you'll realize you've actually seen it twice.
Ronda Rousey should change her name... To Sasha Grey, because her ass got wrecked.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth
I'm Scottish and my son is marrying a Jewish girl. I'm afraid their kids will leave me penniless.
The barber asks Bernie Sanders "what are you looking to get done today?" "Oh, just fuck up the top 1%." "Say no more..."
If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have? Kermit the Frog's full attention.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.
I thought my wife was happy to fully repair my jeans. Or at least sew its seams.
My mom made some french fries for you guys... but you were dicks about it because they were potato quality.
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in
I've seen suns that weren't as bright as my cell phone is at 6AM.
What is Mexico's national sport? Cross country.
So did you hear Buckwheat from The Little Rascals converted to Islam... He now goes by Kareem O' Wheat.
Whats green and goes through walls? A frog if you throw it hard enough...
What do you call a hot fruit? A LAVA-Cado!
What do you call a quiet asian? Silent-li
I used to follow my dreams, but they all got restraining orders.
What is the most dishonest fish in the ocean? A lionfish
[christmas lights are being put up] Every moth ever: oh hell yeah
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my dad did not screaming in terror like the passengers in his cab.
What did the token black guy say to the other black guy who walks in the party? Hey man ! Who do you know here ? This is a Brothers only party !
We used to call a girl at work 'turtle.' When she's on her back she's fucked.
Your secrets safe with me.. I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago...
What's an advantage of being Swiss? The flag is a big plus.
My Mexican friend asked me, "What do Mexicans cut their pizza with?" I asked, "What?" He said, "Little Caesars!"
I'm a traveling art collector, but not doing so well... I'm always in need of Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh.
A kid gets home very distressed..... And says "mom everyone at school says that im always distracted" "FOR THE LAST TIME KID, YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR!!!!"
I don't even know how my dog can even think how I might fall for the notion someone else tore apart my shoe
I'm not religious, but avocados are proof of a benevolent creator.
I took everything with a grain of salt and now I have hypertension.
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tune a fish
Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.
They just arrested my favorite shoe salesman thinking he was a drug lord. They said all the shoes were laced and everyone was trippin.
A Woman has an orgasm everytime she sneezes. Her friend is worried and asks, "What do you take for it?" She says, "Pepper."
Brand new porn Genres.. Skin cancer victims starring Bernie Peters
What's one cracker plus two crackers. [257 Calories](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=What%27s+one+cracker+plus+two+crackers%3F)
Chemists Confirm the Existence of New Type of Bond James Bond
What is the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute stops screwing you when you run out of money.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts? He couldn't stand all the racket!
This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.
Bumper sticker: We got rid of the kids, the cat was allergic...
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only half the things that come out of her vagina are retarded
Moses walks into a bar And says "I'll just halve water"
Our generation is messed up. We have unprotected sex, but have cases on our phones.
What type of bee makes milk instead of honey? Boobees!!!
Usually, my rule for drinking is "one &amp; done". But with tequila... it's "Juan &amp; Don".
What do you call a stag with his eyes gouged out no eye deer. What if he's in the path of a car? Still no eye deer What if he's mid coitus too? Still fucking no eye deer
I'm glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill ... because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
I wrote a joke about pigeons. Stoned pigeon poetry: High Coo
Which flavor ice cream is Dracula's favorite?  Vein-illa.
How can you tell when a fax has been sent by a blonde? When there's a stamp on it.
Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: "You're embarrassingly bad at math. This is over."
What does it taste like when you eat out an old woman? *shrug* Depends.
What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
7 dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy. So ......happy got out
Why buy an invisible knife? I don't see the point
Some young boy just knocked on my door saying "I am collecting for the local swimming pool." So I gave him a glass of water
What do you call a bouncer at a.. What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar? A flame thrower.
2 nuns are riding their bikes to church As they're riding, one nun says to the other "I've never come this way before". The other nun turns to her and says "It's the cobblestone".
What does DNA stand for? National Association for Dyslexics
Is it too soon to crack a joke about flight MH17... Cause I'll probably be shot down.
My goal is to be just the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.
Floyd Mayweather Jr must listen to his opponents to win ... Because he definitely can't read them
I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.
What is the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs? One is a Goodyear, the other is a Great year!
What do you do when an angry pack of clowns confronts you and tries to fight? Go straight for the juggler.
I did a Marquez impression in the hood... ... I was the magical realest.
What kind of music does your mailman like? Postrock/Postpunk
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children's piano recital.
I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in five years. Come on, guys. I don't have 2020 vision.
A ninja's wife comes home to find her husband dead and exclaims... ..."no ninja no ninja no!"
What did the blind man say when he sipped a frozen drink and was cured? "Icee."
Fighting a war on drugs beats fighting a war sober
Harry Potter wakes up in hospital. "Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "What happened?" asked Harry "You ran face first into a wall."
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
Another day, another nope.
Two girls one cup in my mouth dick fuckers
Me: *trying to be cool* Scotch Bartender: Preference? Me: *nervously* hop Bartender: Bout time! *breaks out sidewalk chalk*
my dogs in jail.. for watching kitty porn
A man was walking in a graveyard when he spots another man crouching behind a tombstone "Morning!" he said The Other man replied:"No just taking a shit"
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
What's the difference between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana? Pink Floyd kept going after the wall.
Did you hear that the Pope might quit? I guess there's just not enough altar boys to go around in the Vatican
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
the dvd logo will hit the corner of the tv screen if you wait 6 hours. thats what i did today. no regrets.
I obtained this username today. Apparently I'm the only one.
Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots.
There is no ice cream in space because no one can hear you scream
I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep. So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.
Banks suck ass. First they get bailed out with $700B of our money, then they're like "You can't use Wingdings for the font on your checks."
Why don't Germans like humour? Because it's inefficient!
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
"People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them" "By mistake?" "Not you as well".
Our kids lost all the Monopoly pieces so we use a cigarette butt, a high-heeled shoe, a rotten molar, and a loaded handgun.
What do Hitler and Terry Fox have in common? Neither of them could completely finish a race.
Jesus walks into a bar No he didn't, because he isn't real.
Who is the coolest guy in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy.
I hate autocorrect... It turns my writing into a total duckfest.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Where do you get bare minerals from? A strip mine
A blind guy walks into a bar.. And a table.. And a chair.. And a desk
Why do women make bad engineers? Their whole lives they have been told 5 inches is 8
What's the hottest thing in China right now? A Tibetan monk on fire.
At this point, websites with sudden talking ads have probably taken more years off my life than smoking ever could.
What did the rich bearded slave owner say when he was stranded in the Negav desert and saw a mirage of an Arabian lamp and rubbed it? here in my mirage got this jew labor genie here
Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? Because he isn't a full essay
New acronym we need: IDOCHBEI "I'm doing okay considering how bad everything is." Pronounced: "ih-DOCK-bay"
What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas? As little as possible dummy!
What do you call a blind hooker Free
Got asked to help unlock a PDF file today..... I said stop wasting your time, we should be concentrating on locking them up.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver............we now have a situation in the kitchen.
What do you get with legalized prostitution and a highly competitive marketplace? The best bang for your buck.
I'm open to change but not when it's sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Biggest Joke Of the Century :) "Computer's And Mobile's were Invented to save our time"
My terrible dinosaur joke... Two dinosaurs are walking across a deserted valley, when one says to the other, "Do you think we're alone out here? I Spinosaurus."
You can't run through a campground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Neighbour: if your son doesn't stop playing drums right now I'll lose my mind!! Me: too late...he's stopped half an hour ago
Political Correct'ness has gone too far! Did you hear you can't even say 'black paint' anymore??? No! You have to say: 'Please paint the wall DeMarcus' instead.
Batman : Do you bleed?? Wonderwoman : No Batman : ugh.. You forgot to take the pill again didn't you??
What did the monkey say when he was throwing his feces? This shit is bananas!
Why is it called stand-up comedy? Because people in wheelchairs shouldn't be laughed at.
Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply. I laughed and called him optimistic.
TIFU when my finger tore through toilet paper while wiping. It was the most ass I'd gotten in a while.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Son, your chimpanzee girlfriend is tearing this family apart.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call her and tell her all about it.
Why is Facebook such a hit? It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.
I was going to write a joke about the pentagon... But I gave up when I couldn't find the right angle.
My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again And I don't know if I should tell him.
My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow" she said, "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I fcuking hope so.
Do thin girls know about delicious food?
I only got one match, but I can make an explosion. And now the government thinks I'm a terrorist.
What is Ronald Reagan's favourite vegetable? James Brady.
So I went to a zoo with only one animal... It's a shit-zhu
Her: I want to have your babies. Me: You'll have to wait until they get off from school.
If you can think of a better fish pun Let minnow
Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating. WebMD: Phone Cancer
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.
What's worse than being raped by your dad's penis? Also being forced to fill his Viagra prescription.
I'm a lawyer for an Orthodontist He's got me on retainer.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? A: 'cuz they ain't got balls to scratch!
mars: I'm wet.... NASA: I'm coming over!
Two hamsters are walking down the street... They come up to a gay bar and one hamster turns to the other and says, "hey, you wanna get shit faced?"
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[hits rock bottom] rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
No school tomorrow... Thanks Obama
Be carful guys, I read about a new app and if you use it you'll get a virus. Have you heard of Tinder?
Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own? It was two-tired
My mind is always on fast forward while my body's in slow motion. I'm just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
I had to stop my blonde sister from eating pickles I got tired of having to pry the damn jar off of her head
If your human doesn't feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up. ~Cats, apparently.
Some people come into your life for a reason. Like for target practice.
Doctor Doctor I keep dreaming of bats creepy-crawlies demons ghosts monsters vampires werewolves and yetis. Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
The powerball 1.3 billion dollars
An eskimo pulls up to an intersection... with a flat tire. A Welsh guy pulls up next to him and says: "Hey, I think you've blown a seal!" To which the eskimo replies: "So what? You shag sheep."
I like my women like I like my golf score Mid-eighties and with slight handicap.
They had 3D HD in the 60s only it was a lot cheaper and called LSD.
There once was a plumber named Leigh Who was plumbing his girl by the sea She said, "stop your plumbing," "I hear someone coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing "...it's me."
What's the difference between gay men and a refrigerator? Fridges don't fart when you pull the meat out.
You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone under 30 stole a joke from my generation... Then I would be able to afford to fund the pension that the government stole from me.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
If guys call short girls "petite", what do girls call short guys? Friends.
"I'm in." - Samuel L. Jackson to every movie pitch he's ever heard
You seem to like blonde jokes around here. Here is my favorite: Why did the blonde have such a terribly bruised belly button? Her boyfriend was blond as well.
Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.
I've noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Post game interviews always show the winning players thanking God but they never show the losing players cursing him.
My dentist kept telling me i have too much acid in my diet. So I told him he has too much fire on his head.
Hey buddy I was reminded of you this morning. But then I flushed the toilet and went on about my business.
What did Cindarella say when she got to the ball? Gluk gluk gluk (say it out loud)
What is the difference between a dead hooker and a brick? I don't have a brick floating in my pool.
The cable guy said he'd be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
"Sir you can't bring a whole cake into a movie theater" "What if I cut it in half?"
I was learning about the Holocaust in history class today. I couldn't concentrate.
Yo mama's so stupid that she burned down the house with a CD burner.
Is Jared Fogle going to jail?? Because I heard he's looking at 8-12 years...
I'm sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
What did the Mexican detective say in England? I'm like Sherlock, holmes.
WINNIE THE POOH: There's a rumbly in my tumbly ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton
I like my women like I like my car's radio ... painfully loud while screaming obscenities into my face!
What color is the wind? Son: "What color is the wind?" Mom: "The wind is the wind, it had no color. It's transparent" Dad: "The wind is blue" Mom: "Blue? How so?" Dad: "Because the wind blew"
History channel.
I'm gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I'm doing, just to even the score.
Grossest Joke I've Ever Heard. What's the difference between Menstrual Blood and Sand? You can't gargle sand.
How can you tell a black lady is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.
How does a snail win a race? It runs against Hillary.
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
My workplace scheduled Sexual Harassment Training. Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed.
What's black and never works? Decaf coffee
Chef Joke. What do you call a mummy that hates other peoples cooking? Gordan Ramses
Why can't Redditors lose their virginity? They can never get further than the tip!
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Liz from HR just called me in. I guess my thigh gap is distracting everyone, like that's my fault
I just found out my cousin and her husband are pregnant Everyone keeps saying they don't know the sex but I am pretty sure it wasn't anal
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Everyone else gauges how productive their week is by how little time they had for Twitter too, right?
What do you call a US Marine with an IQ of 70? General
Why did Lionel go to the medical store? because it was pharmacy.
3-year-old: I can't run as fast as everybody else. Me: Why not? 3-year-old: I don't have enough feet.
My lizards won't mate... Must be a reptile dysfunction.
"Yous ain't passin'!" - Gandolfini
What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a boner?? He breaks his nose.
Favorite Old People Jokes
STUDENT: Will there be a final? PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods? BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[ouija board] "helo??" YOUR... SPIRIT... "shh its working" WILL... APPEAR... "omg" AFTER... THIS... AD... "dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!"
TIFU by putting my dildo in the dishwasher She enjoyed the dildo, but my wife really doesn't like to be referred to as "the dishwasher"
Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.
What is a fat kids' favourite sounding instrument at school? The dinner bell.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Because she was a cunt.
For your information, we'll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was  entertaining to look at.
Knock Knock Knock, knock. Who's there? Anee. Anee,who? Anee one you like!
Donald Trump becomes the new president. Yeah that's it.
My doctor told me I needed to lose some weight. So I cut off my leg.
If you're able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!
What do you call a Mexican walking on the moon? An astronaut you racist..
Confucious he say... Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew...
The Fuzz Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by tits."
Do they have rehabilitation services for people who are addicted to Kaopectate? Because this shit needs to stop.
The red haired guy in the bakery doesn't like being called... 'The Ginger Bread Man' *lesson learned
Why did you bring your cat to school? Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school? Student: My dad said he was going to eat mom's pussy.
A couple of Thai girls asked if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery. They were right, we had six matching balls.
What do you call a chubby girl who's cranky, has bad breath and doesn't screw? You don't call her.
Someone stole my mood ring I don't know how I feel about that
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Why was the snowman infertile? He had snow balls
Why was there a dyslexic stormtrooper? Sith happens.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I just got a new dog that's half Saint Bernard and half Pitbull He likes to save people and then kill them.
I Was Sitting On A Train Next To A Hot Thai Girl I Thought To Myself, 'Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection'. But She Did.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
We shouldn't give a shit about recycling or pollution because some scientist will come up with something eventually
If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots they would be called, cellfies.
yo mama so fat when she get on da elevator it  says next stop hell
A steak pun... ... is a rare medium well done.
My blood test results are in today. Now I have to call my ex and tell her that she has high cholesterol.
What do you call an exploding monkey? a BA-BOOM!
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? No one, they both eat out.
Gang of three hijack truckload of Viagra. Police are looking for three hardened criminals.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
An alligator decided to have unprotected sex... Now he has Gatorades.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. I have erectile dysfunction.
I should've listened to my dad. Friend: What did he say? Me: How the fuck would I know? I didn't listen.
What is more inappropriate than a 7 year old saying "I drink coffee"? Her saying "I drink it black, like my men"
Men say they love Asian women but every time I fry up a new boyfriend's cat or dog it's like all the appreciation goes out the window.
Stop pissing me off or I'll marry you
I'm so single my cat has a cat.
If anyone needs me, I'll be at the hospital leaving robots and newspapers from the year 2310 in the rooms of coma patients.
Went to dinner with my girlfriend tonight and got called a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 19. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I like my coffee like I like my women... Sent back if it's not hot enough.
Let's use this thread to tell Alabamian jokes... They won't be able to read them.
Which is the most dangerous page of the newspaper? C4.
What do you call a banana with a penis dildonic
If by "physically fit" you mean that I am going to physically fit this entire cupcake into my mouth then yes.
I only do cocaine with the flexible straws. So I can reach my dashboard while i'm driving.
My favorite rapper is 50 cent Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.
Did you hear about the preganant comedian? She's got a pun in the oven.
ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
"You know that's not even a word, right?" I said, condescendingatively
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
If I had a dollar every time Trump said something stupid. I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
"Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?" "Staples?" "No....Paperclips."
2 wrongs don't make a right... But 2 Wrights make a plane
How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor.
I'm a morning person. Then, around noon, I turn into a horse.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what's for dinner.
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to do the paperwork.
Most people have a schlong You have a schlort
Being a vegan makes no sence. My food is vegan so I dont have to be. Edit: Sense
I entered 10 puns into a pun contest in the hope that one would win... But no pun-in-ten did.
No one will ever be as excited as a dad that just drove somewhere in less time than the GPS said it would take.
What man can make three meals and snacks out of one fish all day? I call bullshit!
Why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.
Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had.
LAUNDROMAT BLUES Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your scottish garden? You root it ooot!
new hipster fad = being really into public domain music
Pants Coworker: "Do you wear the same pair of pants every day?" Me: "No, I just have Fifty Shades of Grey."
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... ...and he doesn't.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food? Her: Uh, excuse me? Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
What Did The Muslim Terminator Say? Allah Be Back.
SHARKY_GAMING SHOULD DIE IN HELL HE SHOULD BE FORCED TO FUCK MY ASS AND EVERY THRUST HE DOES HE FEELS THE PAIN WE DO He Betrayed Us. He Should Burn. He Should Die.
Why do good farmers only excel when they are actually farming? Because they are out standing in their field.
The Cash Cab just picked up a pimp. Shockingly he got the first question wrong but got the video bonus. Pimpin' IS easy!
Why do women try to talk football? Do you see me in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies? No. You don't.
I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat... She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not.
What's the difference between a Unicorn and a cop who treats black people fairly? Nothing; they both don't exist.
I heard you put your dick in peanut butter jar... That's fucking nuts
I lost my mood ring.. I'm not sure how i feel about this.
Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? A: The man.
The movie industry has been irresponsible in the way it has glamorized getting splashed by a passing car.
What's the difference between a wheat thin and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
Tell me your best "When is a --- not a ---?" joke I'll start you off: When is a door not a door? &gt; When it's ajar! When are eyes not eyes? &gt; When the wind makes them water!
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"
who wants some staples....... hold out your hands..... here they come [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [
What's the first thing the cannibal did after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped.
My attempt to write from a woman's perspective: "She carried her boobs to the station. 'They're staring at my boobs,' she thought boobily."
Wanna hear a joke? Non-corrupt african government.
It's cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words.
I just killed 84 birds with 1 stone at Petsmart, totally destroying the previous record of 2.
What's the downside to bigamy? More than one mother-in-law.
Why is it a bad idea to run behind a car? You'll get exhausted
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi.
The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!
What beer goes best with pizza? Pepper-Peroni
"What's your view on lesbians?" 1080p
Doctor Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad!
"TGIM!" - My liver
Whats the difference between Marmalade and Jam? You cant marmalade your cock up a womans arse...
How do puppets have sex? No strings attached.
Surveys have shown that.. 6/7 dwarfs aren't Happy
Whats the worst joke you can play on an American? Two pies to the face and one somewhere in a field in Pennsylvania.
What's the best thing about being a Cubs fan? Not being from Detroit.
It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal  is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy? They add halalapeno.
I had a scary moment when..... I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf
You know how black people always complain about being ashy? Clearly they don't have any Jewish friends.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... ...but then I turned myself around.
I found out about Forrest Gump while looking into Fitbits. He was the best of all the running aids.
How do you keep someone waiting I'll post the answer tomorrow
"I see," said the blind man, pissing into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."
Why was the physics teacher and the biology teacher always fighting? They didn't have any chemistry.
TIL Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto translates you to "Thank You Mr. Robot" The Spanish translation is Muchos Gracias Marco Rubio
Why are white prisoners scarier than black prisoners? The white guy might actually be guilty. (Stolen from a comment by /u/CanadianWildlifeDept)
Commas are important. They are the difference between: You suck, Dick! and You suck dick!
What does the Queen put on her toast? Maamilade! Tada....... anyone? Anyone? I'll get my coat
I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get hit by a car because Trump won.
A fob told me something the other day
What do the English use to blow up their enemies? Tea N' Tea.
Buying a car from Hertz is like marrying a Prostitute It may look good on the outside, but you have no idea whose been in it or what they've done to it.
GOD: hey can I have one of your ribs Adam: what for GOD: uhh science project Adam: you hate science GOD: look do u wanna get laid or not
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
SON: What's a sex tape? ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they S: No M: No? S: Dad. I know what sex is. What's a tape?
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their  own business? 1. No mind 2. No business.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite piano chord? A-minor
"If I had a Hi Fi" - the next single by The Palindromes.
What did the hippie say when somebody told him to get off of their couch? Namaste.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn't bring me one.
I hear China has abandoned it's one child policy, which is great news. I never could eat just the one
A Buddhist monk was on the streets of New York and he stopped at a hotdog stand. The vendor asks, "what would you like on it?" to which he replied,"Make me one with everything".
You know why they have a cock on the weather vane? If they had a cunt, the wind would blow right through it. -An old fuck.
What do you get a body builder for Christmas? A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.
How do you get a Mexican across the border using only math? Carry the Juan
Why did god invent yeast infections? So women know what it's like to be with an annoying cunt
I cheated on my girlfriend yesterday We were playing Monopoly, she left and I stole some money from the bank. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.
I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today. To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.
`Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service.
How do you fit an elephant in a thimble? You take the "I" out of "thimble" and the "F" out of "way."
What's the most depressed thing in the bathroom? The toilet. It always takes all the shit.
A policeman just knocked on the door. He said, "It looks like your wife has been in an accident..." I said "Yes but she has a great personality!"
What do you get when you put 28 Alabama Sorority girls in one room? A full set of teeth
Two kids were walking home.... The one kid ask the other, "Do you believe in the devil?" The second kid reply's "Of course not. It's all silly. The devil is like Santa, it's always your Dad."
Did you hear about the idiot who had a new bath put in? The plumber said "Would you like a plug for it?"  The idiot replied "Oh I didn't know it was electric."
[first date] HER: It looks like you work out ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Men are like copiers.  You need them for reproduction but that's about it.
Sex is like pizza... If you are using bbq sauce, you better know what the fuck you are doing.
I went into hospital for keyhole surgery. I woke up with lock-jaw. The nurses are still looking into it.
A bicycle can't stand on its own. . . . . because it is two-tired.
Saudi Arabia now supports euthanasia Just proclaim you are homosexual
OMFG! THAT'S what 'food baby' means?!?! You guys, I just made a horrible mistake. :(
I don't believe in Santa I guess you could say I'm a rebel without a Claus.
What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.
I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time. Though I do get funny looks for talking to herbs.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher, where would you hide it?
Why did the Mexican food go to counseling? He wanted to taco bout his problems
What would you get if you crossed the Easter  Bunny with an overstressed person? An Easter basket case!
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
The search for Flight 370 was declared "The most difficult in human history." Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment...
What does Mortal Kombat and a Helsinki church have in common? Finnish hymns
I was fired from the orange juice factory I just couldn't concentrate.
What's the best kind of cream... ...to get rid of spots and bug bites? Creamation.
[Heaven] Me: What happened? God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus. Me: I only have one ques- God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
What do you call a bouncy plane? Boeing Boeing Boeing
You must've been conceived at home... That's where most accidents happen.
"Who am I talking to, Ouija BoardTM?" *S-A-T-A-N* "Satan, do any boys in my class like me?"
What do you call a polar bear who works for Fox News? A bad news bear
What happens when the cows refuse to be milked? Udder chaos!
Getting a tub. Filling it with cookies. Pouring milk over it. Pretending to eat a giant's cereal. Horrifying my wife.
Drake Bell needs to call his child Taco.
I just fake-went-to-the-bathroom to avoid someone. He followed me in. I don't think the pee noises I'm making with my mouth are working.
If life gives you melons... You have dyslexia
Ladies, as you enter this day, remember that one chubby arm photo is going to cancel out the thirty you carefully took of your collar bone.
Dance like nobody's watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn't text you too much. Sing like you didn't struggle with algebra in 9th grade.
Why are giraffe's necks so long? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies!
Have you heard that Magnesium is dating Oxygen? OMg
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard? Pillow fight
Two guys walk into a bar You would think the second one would've ducked...
I can remember just 10 years ago, I had no idea what to do with all the pictures I took of my lunch. Thanks, Facebook!
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it's two-tired.
How can you tell if a 14 year old smokes weed? Just wait. They'll tell you.
Mark Wahlberg's mom: Marky Mark! It's time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap. Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I'm 44. What snack?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot
How do you make a shortcut? With small scissors.
Don't stand in the rain if you're stuck in a shit storm
I was going to make a joke about that bus... I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers... But there's no pun in ten dead.
What did one helmet say to the other I'll stay here, you go on a head
"Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid." Timmy: stupid? "Exactly"
What do you call the yellow ones? -Yellow labs. And the black ones? -Black labs. So the brown ones are- -No we named those after dog poison.
I went to high five Robin Williams he left me hanging
Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day anal sex makes your hole weak.
Cut to Obama and Biden silently eating schwarma.
How do you offend a vegan? Cover your ears with your hands
How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?  They both have rings!
What's a difference between a teacher and a train? The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, "Chew, chew, chew!"
I think my cat is a communist. He keeps saying "Mao"
My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
Why do people never eat clocks? Because it's really time consuming.
I don't know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
A couple in the bed. "Let's do it, goodbye Virginity!" "I'm not sure, what if I get pregnant?" "You won't, I'm sure" "Promise me you won't, John" "I promise, Chris"
What do you think goes through a spiders mind when you hit it with a hammer? His ass.
You should be proud of who you are! Unless you're a straight white male.
Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?
What do you call a fashionable Japanese warrior? Glamurai
Think of a number. Realize that number will never think of you too. Lay on your bathroom floor and sob.
How Can You Tell Your Girlfriend Is Getting Fat? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
Find myself in the need for some really despicable jokes. Come on Reddit, do your worst. What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A Pedophile.
Have you heard of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohans new sitcom? It's called "two and a half grams"
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.
How do you stop ISIS? Leave some milk in the sun for a few days.
A hippie just used "dude" in so many different contexts while talking to me I had to translate using my Brosetta Stone.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj? Because he dropped the beet.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high She seemed surprised
My wife asked me if I could stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe
What is ye difference between a porcupine and a porsche? The pricks are in the inside of the Porsche.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment ? Ten ants !
What is Bill Cosby's favorite ice cream flavor? Rape.
so the united states is ebola free now... I wonder how much the premium version of ebola will cost.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine's Day! So I got drunk...
What did Trump say to Obama? Orange is new black [p.s. - not my original, my friend told me this one]
I pledge allegiance to the Pizza and to the taste for which it stands, one Circle under sauce, with ranch and breadsticks for all
What happened when the Malaysian asked the Russian out on a date? He got shot down.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don't think I'm hungry for lunch anymore. .
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you're looking for metaphors, I'm probably the grapefruit.
Why did the Arabic man ask for her hand in marriage? Because she stole his heart
What two words have thousands of letters in them? Post office.
Which computer is the best at singing? A Dell.
Funny Joke PF debate
Global bee population is drastically dwindling, what can they do to save themselves? Pretty simple. They need to learn English and say Let us bee!
What kind of joke do you tell to a vegetarian? One they've never herbivore.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have to get the guitarist to do it for them.
I can't stand people who end sentences with prepositions! It just pisses me off!
What does a triangular acorn say when it grows up? Geometry.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby] Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat-belt
Only when a mosquito lands on your balls do you realize That violence is not always the option
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster showed up for the ball? You look quite put-together this evening.
What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer? A dressmaker sews what she gathers a farmer gathers what he sows.
Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
I heard the band Europe wrote a song about the days leading to the end-of-semester exams. It was the finals countdown. :D
A boring joke I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
What do you get with a woman majoring in woman's studies? I don't know but she'll never make as much as a man AND SHE KNOWS IT!
Latey, my aphabet has been a the pace, I bame the fact there's "noel"
Un Deux Trois A French cat called Un Deux Trois attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex Trois Cat Sank"
life is like a box of chocolabtes.. if sombody loves u, they wil share their box of chocolabtes with u
Mudering people is a lot like smoking cigarettes I can stop any time I want.
ME: we can do this GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can't clear the bridge ME: *mashes 'im feeling lucky' button*
Took my wife away for our anniversary since it wasnt enough for her just to be married to God's gift to every female organism on the planet.
What do feminist hate more than men? Sex Offenders
IamA Bing search engine AMA Please. Just ask me something.
I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs. She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
I'm scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
"Dad, I'm I want you to move back home rent free" hi I want you to move back home rent free. I'm dad "Ok thanks dad" well shit
Trump Says Immigrants take Jobs Americans Refuse to take. Like being his wife.
What do you call it when you flip a quarter and it lands on its edge. *coin*cidence
What can a cup of coffee and a cow that's had an abortion have in common? They're both de-calf-inated.
With Zyan Malik leaving 1D.. *zyan malik or whatever leaves 1d. *Kayne West gets in. *kicks everyone out of the band. *there's room for only 1 direction homie. *it's West.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
9/11 Threesome. When twins go down on you.
Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.
I was so upset - I lost the spelling bee when I couldn't spell "Armageddon" But my friend said "don't worry, it's not the end if the world!"
Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... -Men
Why do they have sex ed and drivers ed on different days in Mexico? Because they need to give the donkey a break.
Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket? Because he was grounded! (I'll see myself out)
"Nurse, I need 10 cc's of fluid, a scalpel and 100+ retweets about this kid from a celebrity on Twitter. STAT!" - 2013 doctor
What is Bill Clintons favorite instrument to play? His Whore-Monica
I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
Do the the fatty acids get picked on by the other acids?
I saw a couple of adjectives and a pronoun nervously smoking outside court yesterday. Probably awaiting sentencing.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
The Lizard Child : Funny Youtube Videos
I'm smarter than the average bear. But I'm dumber than most foxes and some of the more intelligent bears.
I'm not saying your dumb. I'm saying you're dumb.
Why do Zelda and Link smoke weed? Because they live in the kingdom where the hyrule.
What did the manager say to the comedian who was messing around? Hey, no more funny business!
what do you call a chinese millionaire? Cha-Ching
You know you're ugly when.... it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. (add your own)
I'm 0C and what is this? Get it? Lol
You know you're old... When your stripper has braces and you're wondering how much her parents paid for them.
I went to my doctor. He said I was overweight. I said I want a second opinion. He said you're ugly too.
What's the best thing about alzheimers? You're always meeting new people.
Two fish are swimming upstream and one of the fish hits his head against concrete. He looks to the other, and says "dam"
When you're at someone's house? Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your wifi password?"
A man's ears were exposed to a high frequency sound... He said "It hertz."
Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy
A feminist told me I really need to take a Women's Studies class. I told her "There is no way I'm going to spend a semester studying a broad."
The Creation Museum commercials on TV...
Why was Timothy, the British astronaut, selected to go to the ISS? He was in Peake condition.
What's the only thing working out at the gym? The business plan.
What happened to the guy that was trimming some bushes and accidentally sliced off his left arm?? Well they say he's "allRIGHT" xD
What does an author have after they get abdominal surgery? A semi-colon
So, I friended Paul Walker on XBox. Sadly though, he's always on the dashboard.
Why don't dwarfs smoke pipe weed? Because it slows their *mine*
My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING
Every time I try to make a mental note, I end up tripping and falling along a neural pathway.
I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong in so many levels.
I'm at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it's cold.
I'm a shy person with low self-esteem, but I'll tell you a great joke ..if you promise not to laugh.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans* "uhh grandpa who's that?" "my hip replacement"
What do reddit admins eat? Everything
I'm not afraid of someone who threatens to open up a can of whoopass on me... I'm much more afraid of the people who can the whoopass to begin with.
I went to the air and space museum this past weekend I didn't see anything, so I left
I got my foot in the door, my head in the game, and my ass in gear. I'm one motivational tape away from a hospital admission.
I've never grabbed less than fifteen napkins.
A little boy says "dad I've heard in some parts of africa a man doesn't know his wife until marriage. The dad says...... "Son that happens everywhere."
Having a bit of a lazy day... sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused
Him: "Wow you've got alot of hair" Me: "Thanks grew it myself"
What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one.
My one true love cooks for me, cleans for me, has never talked back, does what I tell her to do, I can have my way with her any time I want, and she ALWAYS satisfies me. But enough about my hand.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast
My dad is a magician. He even has a trick that makes him turn invisible. He's been doing it for the last 32 years.
What does the right kidney say to the left one when he is mad at the other? Don't make me stone you to death..
I forgot a bag of groceries in my taxi. It's been driving me bananas.
How did the Scot die? He got kilt.
Can everyone please stop making political posts? You're never going to be able to make anything funnier than reality.
Wanna hear a joke about Youtube comments? I'll tell it once this gets 500 upvotes.
Philosophical porn Person 1: Hey, why don't you watch philosophical porn? Person 2: Eh, it only appeals to a very Nietzsche fanbase.
What's Forest Gump's password? 1forest1
I made this. When you think about it, it is kind of silly that honey contains B vitamins.
I swallowed two strings by accident, and when I finally passed them they were miraculously tied together I shit you knot
If you catch a Gecko by it's tail... If you catch a Gecko by it's tail, it will detach itself from it and grow a new one. A lot like Hillary's political policies.
Last year I netted over 100k before taxes doing gay porn "That's gross, dude", my mom said.
i woke up my girlfriend with oral sex... ....she almost choked and is now mad :(
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I've learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch the other watches your snatch.
How do you get people to quit smoking? Cut off their lips
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my cock up your ass
Dad, I'm not high I swear! says a kid to his dad, to which the dad replies: "Five minutes ago, you threw your hamster through the window screaming "Pikachu, I choose you!""
If 1 in 5 Women get raped Then why don't they just travel in packs of fours?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
hate when people walk in on me naked! What's this world coming to when u can't get a moment to yourself at toy r us?
If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I'm going to be pissed!
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
C'mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Girl, you're like a supermassive black hole... ...because you're incredibly dense, nothing is more attactive than you, and once you suck me in there's no going back.
A guy waved at me and ran over the other day... He said "oh sorry I thought you were someone else!" I said, "I am" -Demetri Martin
How does a bad comedian sleep at night? I don't know.
I sprayed Taylor Swift's new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby's.
Mum, why do people in our family die so suddenly? Mum? Mum??? MUUUUM!!!!!!!!
What did the Christan principal say when she kicked a student out of school? THE POWER OF CHRIST EXPELS YOU.
It is rude to Digg an article without first checking for gass, waterr or other utilityy lines.
What is the difference between SETI and Donald Trump? One has demonstrated the scarcity of intelligent life in the universe, and the other is a scientific study of extra terrestrials.
Americans kill more Americans than ISIS kills Americans so we should probably play it safe and not let any more Americans into America.
Waiter waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup. Yes ma'am they can't stand the boiling water.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can't.
I was gonna make a joke about sluts... ...but it would just be whoreable.
Why are riddles about trees so hard? Because they always leave you stumped!
My dog chewed up my laptop... I guess he wanted a byte to eat! ^imagine ^this ^in ^zoidberg's ^voice
So a centaur walks into a bar The bartender says, "Hey, how's the sore throat?" The centaur replies, "My throat isn't horse but my legs are."
Tommy went to his mom in the kitchen and said: 'Mom! Mom! The dog is having sex!' So mom says: 'Try not to pay attention to it, sweetheart.' to which Tommy responds: 'But it hurts so much!'
In some people's eyes, throwing acid is wrong
I love how Xanax spelled backwards is retard
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
What'd the homeless guy get for Christmas? Very hungry.
People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
The problem about movies with potential They always fall the hardest
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Why do bald men cut holes in there pockets? To run their hands through their hair
How did the farmer deal with the stubborn sheep's wool? With shear willpower
When a couple breaks up never believe her story Why? Because only history is reliable.
What saying is discouraged in both the USA and North Korea? The South Will Rise Again
Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat? It was Saturn by Uranus.
My liberal friend decided to go to a Republican rally and got his ass kicked. He's all right now.
Do you know why all the girls are quiet in the sauna? They are sitting on their lips!
Witch: Doctor I can't help pulling ugly faces.  Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that. Witch: It is when the people with ugly faces don't like them being pulled.
Something is always going on in the kitchen, but you never know whats cooking till the end when you eat... Is that why they call it the final supper?
What do aliens use to buy their coffee? starbucks
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
Careful, this is an alphabet bomb! If it goes off, it could spell disaster!
Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
What's the best part about living in Flint, Michigan? Leaded gasoline is pretty cheep!
Well son, your mom was the prettiest lady at that entire Gathering of the Juggalos, and I would've traded THREE wallet chains to be with her
A Jew boy asks his poppa for fifty dollars... Poppa Jew says "Forty dollars, well what do you need thirty dollars for?"
They called it the Fiddle Motel..... ....but it was a vile inn.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
[runs inside of a gas station] "I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!" *takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Sometimes therapy is as simple as nodding to the dude next to you stuck in traffic. I feel you brother.
What is Beethoven doing in his grave? He's de-composing ! Happy Halloween everyone.
My three year old just looked up at me and clear as day said, "I'm sick of this shit." And all I could do was nod because he is so right.
'What I'm about to say is extremely important!!' -Drunk people
Just once I'd like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
How do you kill a Grammar Nazi? mkae tehm brun tiehr eeys owt Eidt: sepleinlg croertcoin
My dick is a joke Nobody's ever seen it coming.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!!!
"holy crap....um guys?!" - the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Guy: Hey girl, you got the Zika? Girl: I dunno, why? Guy: Cause I want a little head.
Give a man a subtweet and he'll be like "is this about me?" Teach a man to subtweet you'll be like "is that about me?"
Remember how in Lord of the Rings they slept out under the stars? It was pretense.
There was a woman trapped inside a Safeway, She was found dead of starvation the next morning.
The Pun Contest There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would be a winner. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people's hands you've shook that didn't wash them after they used the bathroom.
A Mexican magician says to the audience: "For my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno... Dos..." *POOF*. And he disappeared without a tres.
Apparently the USA is the biggest contributor to noise pollution in the world My solution: put a silencer in every school
[Bags packed, leaving the ex] Ex:"I hope you have a slow and painful death!" Me:"So now you want me to stay?"
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
A paraplegic went down a runway... She made for a great roll-model.
What is it called when one punches a stripper? A hoedown!
4 dead in office shooting Boss: "looks like they're fired" Secretary: "No sir, they were fired at"
How do you feel about perfumes being designed by computers? Because I think it makes perfect scents.
Kids, in my day we didn't have text messaging. We had to write a "Do you like me? Yes or no?" note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Don't you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
How do you make an egg roll? Push it
What do you call a cat with an eating disorder? A cat.
If someone says you're not a mermaid, don't talk to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are geting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there  mate
What do nazi's use to clean their yard of dog shit? The Turd Rake.
After just starting uni, I have decided I don't like referencing. I don't like it et al.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who's murder you're secretly plotting.
I gauge a person's wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
When u give ur phone number at CVS turn to the person behind u in line & say "now don't be calling me for a date"
What do I have in common with neutrinos ? We're both constantly penetrating your mom
Apparently my twitter session today has lasted 12 hours. I don't even miss my life anymore
Why is America bad at the game Chess? Because they don't know how to defend their towers.
How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car? Tired.
I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bullshit.
Every restroom says gentleman on it...since I'm a degenerate asshole I've been pissing in the trash cans outsidee them.
What did they call the man who knew how to read maps? A legend
What did the pair of flip-flops say to the approaching man with disgusting feet? Shoe.
What's the difference between an artist and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
I don't trust stairs They are always up to something.
Fred's class was taken to the Natural History  Museum in New York. "Did you enjoy yourself?" asked her mother when she got home. "Oh yes" replied Fred. "But it was funny going to a dead zoo."
Have you ever smelled mothballs before? How did you get the little legs apart?
What do you call a prostitute that has sex for free? A priest.
What did the male Dragonborn say to the female dragon? GO - VAH - KYUUM!!!
I think my doctor is trying to come on to me... He said I had a cute angina.
How do black people hide on the internet? They go incognegro.
A maternity ward was overflowing one national holiday It was Labor day
What do you call the higher-ups of the World Health Organisation? The who's-who of WHO!
A man got hit in the head with a drink... It's okay, though; it was a soft drink.
Boobs My wife has eczema all over her chest. She's got a cracking pair of boobs.
Do you want to join my pistol club? We drink till noon and piss till two.
It was 180 degrees went I went out for my run today... ...so I turned around and went back inside.
Two Condoms Two condoms walk by a gay bar. One says to the other, "Let's go in here and get shit-faced."
"This love triangle is WAY too complicated" Pythagoras' other woman
What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? My son won't eat broccoli.
What do you call an Ape cooking a BBQ? A Gorilla
Pinion nut math What do you get when you have one pinion nut in one hand, and two pinion nuts in another? A difference of a pinion!
Grandpa Joe's all, I'm gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk! He's my kinda people.
I saw a prostitute running a marathon today she was full of spunk
Your girlfriend is imaginary... Nope, she's real. She just hasn't arrived yet.
Whats the difference between a watermelon and baby? One's really fun to smash with a sledge-hammer and the other is just a watermelon
"No, no. No! NO!" - guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
No I LITERALLY want to butter your hot cherry muffin. A euphe-what? Listen to Miss Community College over there.
"One mans trash, is another mans treasure" I guess thats a good way to say that your girlfriend is a whore...
having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they're so short.
Have you heard about ISIS's new inflatable sex dolls They blow themselves up.
1942: How can we beat the Nazis? 1968: How can we go to the moon? 2006: How can a phone be a supercomputer? 2016: How can we beat the Nazis?
If the Indians would have given the Pilgrims donkey instead of turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving
Life is like a box of chocolates... ...it doesn't last long for fat people.
Every time you reach under the couch for something a giant spider must choose whether or not to give up its secure location.
My grandfather died of asbestosis. Took 6 months to cremate him. This works better in person when you get the other person believing you first.
The answer to 4 Leg, 2 Leg, 3 Leg riddle is a man... because a woman is on her knees all day.
The hole in the boat So two guys steal a boat and get drunk. Kane of them goes "Hey, there is a hole in this boat". The other says "don't worry it's not ours".
[museum] Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit? "through that door" Thank you very ruff! "What'd you say?" *2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Exercising when you get older is so important! My granny started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 65. Now she's 92 and we don't know where the hell she is.
Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"
Atheists, we get it. You don't have faith in anything except your ability to shove your lack of faith in the face of those who have faith.
What do the police hate most? Blackmale
A blind man walks into a bar and a table and a chair.
Therapist: Problem? Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics. T: Explain? M: I can't tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
how wide is the universe? how long is a piece of string theory
A man goes to a halloween party wearing nothing but his pants The host asks, " Hey, what the fuck are you supposed to be?" The man replies, "I am a premature ejaculation"
I don't Bolivia Peru-v it.
What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother
Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth? I hear it was pretty dope.
Strangers on a Train
You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool! 
TIL Condoms have serial numbers.. ..but I've never rolled one down far enough to find out..
A dyslexic guy walks into a bar... And the woman says, "Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?!"
Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.
Why did the French chef kill himself Because he lost the huile d'olive.
Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical? Because m'cavity.
I don't like nosey peppers they get Jalapeno buisness
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. "That won't help you, Joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot," says the man, "it's the only way I can see the numbers!"
Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila!  ... go to the home improvement store in December? Fajitas!
I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called "Don't Speak"? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven't said a word since.
A robot walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender asks. "I need something to loosen up," the robot replies. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.
I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun
How are children like slinkies? It's fun to toss them down stairs.
"Make cave drawing. It last longer." - Cavewoman bitch
I hope my search for my lost heroin... isn't in vein.
Apple made a bomb It was called the iED
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible
You know what I don't get? Laid.
If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach.... Then you're aiming too high
How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Musicians with no advertising budget can simply name their band Missing Cat.
Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they could not understand.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
Hey Home Shopping Network: We have the internet now.
What's your best "A guy walks into a bar" joke
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly? *Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you're nuts.
What do you call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids. Yep. An original.
*Running late *Light turns green but car in front wont go *About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco *Is late for work
I have a great knock-knock joke But someone else has to start. Go
One Girl, Two Cups would be a terrible name for a bra shop.
I'm thinking of visiting Saudi Arabia based on the upcoming week's forecast It's mostly Sunni
Organ Freeman http://i.imgur.com/plVQyUC.jpg
Paranoid? I don't even know what that word means. I don't have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.
Why did the little girl in the flower dress fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've tripping all day.
Here's hoping 2013 is the year in which I finally fix the bugs in my new time machine. -garyDelaney
I went to a weiner emporium today... I never sausage a sight!
The Brooklyn Nets
I accidentally sent a photo of my penis to everyone in my address book. Not only was it really embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits' home? A search warren!
Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings. Happy 4th of July r/jokes!
What's Irish and stays out all year? Patty O'furniture.
What kind of dough do Hobbit bakers use? Frodough.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Zero, feminists can't change anything.
The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said "If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"
My girlfriend refused to make a porno with me.. saying there are enough vine stars already
Fast and Furious [NSFW] I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident. I guess next time I should be the one driving.
Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken... I'll see myself out now..
You're so unfamiliar with the gym... You call it James
What's the difference between jam and marmalade.... You can't marmalade your cock, up a girls' ass!
It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 17 other ways to get that info in seconds.
Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies. For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house
A little bird told me I'm on LSD and talking to a bird.
A bird in hand may be worth two in a bush, but a nut in a bush is worth two in a hand.
what do you get when you mix a Shih Tzu and a bull B.S.
Isn't it so wierd when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear? Anyway my dad just caught me browsing r/jokes
What do you call a sex toy bought at IKEA? A "One Night Stand"
When dealing with the police it's important to always remain calm and be white.
Have any brief jokes I can snapchat a girl that I like?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out? "Time to try the udder one."
What's the difference between Trump and a Tree? Only one can get stumped...
What happened to the magical tractor? It turned into a field
"Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.
I just paid $25 for a hot 20 year old chick to rub her boobs all over me I love having my hair cut.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
You know what i hate the most about Sex Ed? that he's been convicted of several cases of sexual assault
Which trigonometric fatio is obsessed with the pokemon Suicune? EuSINE
What do you call a peaceful Bruce Lee? Gent Lee (Gently)
I was looking for hours for my thread on Reddit.. Turns out I was browsing with the popular filter :(
"Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you" Yeah....so is a grenade
Mt. McKinley will be renamed Denali and for balance GMC will now call its SUVs McKinleys.
I heard a rude joke about Grizzlies the other day... ...but it doesn't bear repeating.
Who wants to dress up as a battery and make Halloween come early this year? I'll be Halloween.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
How many police officers... How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, he fell!
Why is it called a 'dad-bod' and not a 'father-figure'?
My girlfriend has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh When I put my ear up to it I can smell the ocean
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting to fat? She can wear your wife's clothes.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say "yeah, she left me for Charles Manson."
THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he always narrates real life- ME: she complained WIFE: see! ME: she exclaimed WIFE: ME: she was speechless
Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.
And the award for the best neckwear goes to... Well, will you look at that, it's a tie!
How can you tell if someone lifts? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
What is a ten letter word that starts with gas. Automobile Edit: not really a joke but didnt know where to put it.
A cannibal, a terrorist and a rapist walk into a bar... in their jail cell.
side effects of Cialis may include dragging 2 bath tubs outside to sit in to watch the sunset with your confused but supportive partner
My grandmother finds it important to stay in shape, so she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, It is now a Ford Focus. I can't claim credit for this one, I heard it on one of my favorite streamers' streams.
There was a masturbating contest ... ... I didn't win though, I came in second place.
Some say I'm an apathetic person... But really, I just don't care.
Q: Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator? A: Because he was General Electric.
What do you call a lad that put on his glasses? Seymour.
My current favorite people are atheists who are big into astrology.
Describe yourself in three words. I am a rebel.
What kind of company is a 24 hours hamburger joint? Fry-by-night!
last night, my wife started smoking. but it was ok - I just slowed down a bit and used some lube.
World Health Org says that Roundup weedkiller "probably" causes cancer... Monsanto needs to make a Roundup Ready human.
What's a camel's favourite song? Bat Out of Camell
*Puts on muscle shirt* *Looks in mirror* Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
AMA request: Paul McCartney How big of an impact has Kanye been to your music career blowing up?
"You're mother." (thing to say to your mother).
I can't stand when guys complain about their girlfriends giving shitty hand jobs I see where they're coming from, but something about it just rubs me the wrong way
After a dump, I like my poophole clean as a whistle I'm very anal about it.
The best pirate joke... ...is the one you don't have to tell. Sincerely, a ninja.
If a normal person's mouth waters at a steak? Does a vegan's mouth water when someone is mowing the grass?
My girlfriend's vagina is like a Tesco shopping trolley It takes a pound in.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I need friends.
When the punchline is in the title. What's the worst kind of joke?
I did a girl missionary style I stole her cultural identity so I could take her land
*5 puts on shoes* Me: they're on the wrong feet. 5: but I can't... Me: can't..? 5 I don't have any more feet to put them on. Me: touche
What receives a man's first blowjob? An NES cartridge.
People who decorate their cars for Christmas are in serious need of help.
What do you call a semiaquatic, furry little animal than never amounted to anything in it's life? An *otter* failure (I'll see myself out)
How does the farmer count up his cows? ...with a cowculator.
Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30's sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
the miracle of being a teen mom when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.
A priest and a rabbi... A priest and a rabbi see a young boy. Priest: "Let's fuck him." Rabbi: "Out of what?"
Why do some people dislike twitch chat? It's just not their Kappa tea
If you get sexted by someone you don't like...does that mean you got molexted?
Two man are walking across a bridge. One of them fell... The other was called Bob
Referenced my previous girlfriend in an academic paper It was very ex-citing
If Steve Rogers was a drink, what drink would he be? An Iced Cap
I recently heard Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident ... Some dick cut her off
"Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?" *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* "Ah nuts that was a good one."
Chuck Norris once broke wind so hard... it couldn't be fixed.
I'm so poor that for Christmas my mom cut a hole in my pants so I would have something to play with.
What do SQL programmers do at night? Count star.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off teh cliff? tequila
Have you seen the movie constipated? It hasn't come out yet.
Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says "keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY. My best time so far is 7 min.
My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."
I remember 2014 like it was yesterday
Green day is playing on the only two alternative rock stations in my neighborhood... There is no alternative.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I'm currently working up the courage to tell my husband he's gay.
What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game? First person shooter.
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
So Trump wants to ban Muslims. But if prohibition has taught me anything it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
A gymnast walks on a bar.
How do Gay Men get divorced? Both sides get nothing.
Being in middle management is like being a toilet seat... Look up and you see a bunch of arseholes, look down and all you see are shits.
Some people may call me an agnostic but I'm a God-fearing man -- afraid she might exist
Hey girl, are you an overdue library book? Cuz I'm gonna stuff you in the back of my car then forget about you
Q. What do tired line dancers do? A. They Line Down :-)
My review of your face: Good, quality face. Would look again
What do you call a group of blind German kids? Not-sees
My buddy's autistic twin brother has a seizure while on a camping trip, causing my buddy to miss his first day on the job at Dominoes. "Tell the manager your brother had a Little Caesar"
I have 2 moods. Sleep is for the weak and I want to sleep for a week.
My friend once talked me out of jumping off a building with my new homemade glider wings. He said I didnt understand the gravity of the situation.
What's better Jesus or a picture of Jesus A picture because it only takes one nail to hang a picture.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I had a fight once. "You should see the other guy!" I said. My wife agreed. She's been seeing him for years now, they're a lovely couple.
Can someone help me decide which Nirvana album to buy? Wait, Nevermind
Why was the owl afraid of Raidoactivity Because it was made of Hootonium
If you feel unsure about a new haircut, ask a man if it looks okay. But ask him many, many, many times. Never be satisfied with his answer.
Why did the arborist plant new pine trees on their front lawn? To spruce things up a bit.
Sexy is being tickled with a feather... Kinky is being tickled with a chicken
My mom told me to go to my happy place so I pulled out my phone and went to Reddit.
How many eggs do the French use in their omelettes? Just one, because in France one egg is un oeuf.
You're so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line.
[Creation] God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place! Angel: Maybe they'll evolve? G: *throws a rock* A: Sick shot! G: Next time, apes
Dolphins thats just a kids TAIL (get it)
What breaks when you give it to a toddler? Its hips.
What do you call a really bad mind reader? Telepathetic.
Did you hear about the journalist who stumbled upon a campsite murder? She reported it was bloody in-tents!
Why did the eunuch farmer wake up late? he had no cock!!!
What's it called when you hit somebody with sodium chloride? Assalt
What's worse than eating out your grandmother? Banging your head on the coffin lid.
What looks better... than roses your piano? Tulips on your organ.
i just found the HOTTEST porn video: "girl uses logic during argument". oh god, i'm gonna nut just typing thissssssfjdksfjsjfa..........
I have literally never seen a mattress store with customers in it
Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up? Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.
Abortion is a difficult topic for me... On one hand, I support it because it kills children, on the other, I don't because it gives woman a choice.
Once someone called an Indian man Asian. He did not get offended because you are dumb. India resides IN south Asia thus all Indians are Asian.
People who say "life doesn't come with a set of instructions" obviously haven't heard of the Kama Sutra.
My girlfriend's refusal to learn the difference between baking soda and washing soda leaves me foaming at the mouth
*goes to bathroom *takes out phone *opens Twitter *finishes *pulls pants up *flushes *forgets to poop
What does a girl from Arkansas say just before she loses her virginity? "Careful, dad, or you'll crush my smokes."
me: goodnight moon :) moon: night<3 me: goodnight stars :) moon: wtf me: sry wrongnumber moon: whos stars moon: who is stars moon: answer me
Who can beat any burger at golf? Any LINKS sausage!
If Rick Astley invites you to his Tree House, don't go! Because he's never going to let you down!
A baby seal walked into a club ...
Why did Uhuru get mad? Because William Shatner.
Wanna see a pig with three eyes [improved] a cop with a body camera.
Would you like something from my Easter basket? "Sure!" "Here. Have some plastic grass."
Why did little Susie fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Susie.
How do you know when a vegan gets to the party? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard ME: hannahannahannahannaha
why was the rabbit promoted to brewmaster? All his beers had a lot of hops
New Viagra Product !! Viagra now available in powder form to put in tea... It does nothing for erections but stops your Biscuits from getting soft and falling into the tea..!!
Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife? Because some jobs American's just won't do.
I wanted to start my vegan diet but apparently cannibalism is frowned upon.
So there's a guy with a speech impediment.... It's funny because his life is hard, and he was relentlessly ridiculed in grade school.
FIRST MONSTER: I'm going to a party tonight. SECOND MONSTER: Oh are you? FIRST MONSTER: Yes I must go to the graveyard and dig out a few old friends.
Why do the Japanese have squinty eyes? Becuase atomic bombs are bright.
here is a self depreciating joke. **Q: What is the difference between me and a brick?** A: Bricks get laid
As i lay in bed at night... As i lay in bed at night and stare up at the stars, i couldn't help but wonder, "where the hell did my roof go"
The worst part of going to church with my family is when we get caught on the Kiss Cam.
Why did the Chicken cross the Basketball Court? Because he heard the Ref was Blowing Fowls.
What did the guy say when he finally earned the top spot on the High Scores list at the Masturbate Arcade? "I BEAT IT!!!"
My wife's returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? I'm like that with beds.
What was the last thing Daedalus said to Icarus? "You've got a lot of potential, son."
There was a massive fight in the chip shop yesterday! A fish got battered.
What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? You should know, you've only read it twenty times.
What does a barber yell when he plays hide-and-go-seek? Ready or not, hair I comb!
So a patient walks into my therapist office... [INFORMATION PROTECTED BY THE HIPPA]
What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup? Turn off their console and go to sleep.
How many hillbillies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2. A man, his wife, and his cousin
What did Eric Garner's wife say to him? Would it kill you to go sell a few cigarettes? too soon?
I guess you could say Mendeleev's Birthday comes around periodically.
"That's Superman, that's Batman, and that's Cyborg. If you won't call them by their names, I can't play with you anymore." - me to my 5yo.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah's Witnesses doors. "I'd like to talk to you about modern science "
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? So he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate.
If the automated voice tells me they're experiencing "higher than normal call volume" every time I call, that is the normal call volume.
You hear what happened to the beauty pageant contestant that came out covered in beef cuts? she was ms. steak'n... and got grilled
Oh shit, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.
Did you hear about the eagle that performed a piano concerto? The applause was quite raptor-ous!
I caught my SO putting plastic utensils in the waffle iron. I yelled,"What are you doing?! That will ruin it!" She replies,"Yesterday you told me to lego your eggos. Make up your mind already!"
I have a really funny dick Girls laugh every time they see it.
The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins. Rock beats paper. And the crowd goes wild.
I don't always tell Harambe jokes but I'll take a shot at it.
Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun. Unless they have a gun.
What runs forever and never dies? An argument with a woman! And I'm in one right now.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn't want to Go ahead. Have kids
A math teacher had a bird, and he trained it to talk. One day it escaped, and he yelled out the window, "Polly gone! Polly gone!"
That's it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You'll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
What do you call a python with a great bedside  manner? A snake charmer.
Someday I'll find a good commie joke... Marx my words.
I was going to make a gay joke... Butt fuck it.
"Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead
Automatic doors don't work when running full speed. I know that now.
The god of time is going back to school to upgrade. Time will take its course
BMW What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why don't nuns fear getting raped? Because they know it is tough to get into the habit.
We should get the Amazon Echo on Reddit It would feel at home in this echo chamber
GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY AND MY MONEY ON.. mmy mind.? but thats on my money, my money cant b on it, [concertgoers start whispering nervously]
You hear the one about the Blind Prostitute? You gotta hand it to her
I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.
What's the worst thing about your girlfriend having a miscarriage? Trying to look upset.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says "What's up, Doc?" he's legitimately concerned.
TIL Socrates' last words. "I drank WHAT?!"
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying "poop deck" & snickering.
i bet all the girls say "i bet you say that to all the girls" to all the guys.
How does Hitler give directions? He says "take the Third Reich".
I was in my space ship with my pregnant wife, travelling about .95c, when she suddenly went into labor. Turns out time wasn't the only thing that was dilated.
Collection of Spicy Jokes on Every Subject
Someone turn off the internet I'm trying to sleep
What's the average lifespan of an owl? About six and a half books.
Did you hear about the farmer who fell in love with his cows milk? It was his significant udder
Modern Medical Humor Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness"
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer". I said "But baby, I can change". She said "There you go again!"
You say I'm "Dirty minded" but then how did you understand what I meant?
Gunfire reported at track and field event They said it was race related
We should hold a reddit-wide vote on whether or not to bring back the upvote/downvote counter. But how will we count the votes?
knock,knock Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe help me with my homework?
What do two Wrights make? A plane
Butter Sometimes when I am baking I mix I can't believe it's not butter and butter, so that way I have I kinda believe that some of this might be butter.
Q: Where do fleas go to surf? A: To the microwave.
Wtf I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.
I almost bought a huge library out of old computer programming books... ...but the ascii price was way too high.
John's mother in-law comes for a visit. So, how long will you stay,mom? As long as i'm welcomed. Oh, that's too bad, you should at least stay for a cup of coffee
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
Bunny The energizer bunny just got arested for battery.
What type of humor did the heart attack survivor like? Offbeat.
My mate David was a victim of ID theft Now we just call him Dav
What would you do? if your uncle jack helped you down off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'
I'm not really fan of gallows humor It just always leaves me hanging.
The Fish Net Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann? A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.
Hey guys where do Chemists come from? ... From the *Stork*iometry. I'll see myself out now.
I have an L shaped sofa lowercase
You know what is funny? Not this sub...
She was only a fishmonger's daughter .. .. but she'd slap it on a slab and shout "Fillet!"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Abba ! Abba who ? Abba'out turn ! Quick march!
Was Snoop Dogg being serious when he changed his name? Or was Snoop Lion ?
Why isn't Hitler in Mario Kart? Because he cant finish a race
You find my yoga pants distracting... ...would you like me to take them off?
Did you hear about the thin guy who went to Alaska for six months? He came back a husky fucker.
You must be 1/x, Because you are the rate of change of my natural log.
What's a Pirates worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty
I went to a store that carried only three items It was an inconvenience store
I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don't need to sleep anymore anyway.
Lazy People Fact #5812672793. You were too lazy to read that number.
Sarah Jessica Parker had a leaked sex tape... The man has been arrested for bestiality.
"I'm caught in a love hexagon." - polygamists
At The Nikon Headquarters We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses "A focus group?" DAMMIT JOHNSON THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES
How did George W Bush use reggae to win his election? He needed an Al Gore riddim.
Promised myself that today I wouldn't steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain't bad
Wife: Have u done anything today? Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street Wife: Wheelie? Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk
I have great muscle memory I totally remember when I was in shape.
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient, and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
(Dark humor) what's the difference between a sandwich and a dead baby? I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it.
My Girlfriend is doing majors in Physics Yesterday she texted me she needs time and distance. I dont even know why she wants to calculate the velocity
I used balloons to propose to a girl I met on the internet... I then saw her face for the first time and had to pop the question.
What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible? When Jesus cleared the temple.
The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom... so now I cumin her every thyme.
I came home to find my apartment covered in feathers and egg.... ... I think I've got a poultrygeist!
What do you call the Israeli martial art? Jewjipsu
Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I'll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.
What's brown and sticky? My Beyonce calendar.
Where did George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Why are pirates so fat? They eat too many cAAARRRRRbs.
For a second I thought this cookie had raisins in it, but luckily they're just spider egg sacs.
I exercise religiously. I was on the treadmill earlier praying that it would stop.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn't count.
Why is sex like a game of bridge? -You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him.
What does DNA Helicase and a 16 year old boy have in common? the both want to unzip your genes. if you didnt get it: https://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20121209104938AAKihOC
What did the egg say to the hot water?
My Dad always said never use any shortcuts. Probably why it takes him so fucking long to do anything on the computer
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get your head in between those teeny legs?
I met the girl of my dreams, but it turned out she was my cousin... Lesson learned: Don't flirt at family reunions
When I go down on you, it makes you very happy. And when I come back up I will fuck you good and hard. What am I? Gas prices.
My dad's bread factory burnt down Now his business is toast
Didja hear about the LGBT DJ in Paris who'll only play 50's US rock songs? Yeah - he calls himself ... wait for it ... Cousine Brucie
Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you're talking about or are they from the internet?
The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial. #1PUN
I would make an alliance of agnostics... but I'm not sure how I feel about that.
What does a bowling ball and your mom have in common? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, and they'll always come back.
What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, "O MG!"
I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell
Hey sports fans, here's my NCAA pick: bet it all on the Savannah College of Art & Design. Go Fighting Acrylics!
You heard about the concert last friday? Heard it was hardcore. Some people went ballistic.
I got a new thesaurus Its pretty bad, though. Not only that, it's also bad.
Confucius say... Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. My dad used to tell me this all the time when I was little. Still makes me chuckle to this day.
Today at work a patient told me he had pyramid shaped cataracts in his eyes He was an old Giza
Early this morning I was sitting on the beach wondering where the sun was... then it dawned on me
As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine As I got older I realized it was just a phase
I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to work in pest control. He's gonna be an ex-terminator.
I once poured an entire bag of potato chips on my girlfriend. I wanted to ruffle her feathers.
If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win? Tiger Woods! because he has a better driver! I'll be in hell if you need me.
I didn't send Christmas cards this year, what with the economy and all. Mostly I'm just lazy, but blaming the economy is so much more fun.
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders who supported Atlas ? His wife !
What do you call a Mexican smoking weed? A baked bean
From my History class about elections: If a country is 80% Hindu and 20% Muslim, who wins? The USA
Just realized I've never "axed" anyone a question in my whole life.
I love you more... - Darling, I feel that you love football more than me. - Honey, but I love you more than hockey.
I had to fire my driver today So now I have all this money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
Q: Why do you when you sign to a Dating site ? A: More bang for your buck !!!! (Wow, that was bad)
What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? "Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P
What have I got in my hands? A double decker bus! You looked!
What do you call cantaloupe flavored gum? A: A Ty-lemma (pronounced like dilemma)
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you're 3 and your parents are idiots.
A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river? The other man responds, "You are on the other side of the river."
I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns
Whenever somebody says "it removes the toxins from your body" I know that they are dumber than me
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn't do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Getting a job right out of college... ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING: Hiring recent college grads. REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and super powers.
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin says, "wow, it's really getting hot in here." The second muffin says, "Wow... a talking muffin ! "
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread yesterday.. Then I realised it said "thick cut"!
Why was the pilot jealous of the chef? Because of his ground thyme.
(Super Smash Bros. Joke) Why do waiters like a good Marth player? He tips well.
When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."
Yesterday I watched the movie Carrrs. Well, it was just Cars, but I pirated it.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic? It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying. Obligatory edit: Frontpage on /r/jokes! Wohooo!
It'd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread.
What game do French schoolchildren like to play? Simon 16
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance? Because it can't drive a car without making it all denty.
The squiggly red lines in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb.
A hamburger walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here".
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter
How can you tell if a road is sad? It has low shoulders.
I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit
My dad tried to surprise me with a truck for my birthday. But he missed.
A man walks into a bar A paraplegic rolls.
What do hipster jokes and hipsters have in common? None of them are original.
If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men.
I've been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I'm about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
sorry ladies, just changed my Facebook relationship status from "Single" to "Costco Member"
So I shot my first turkey for thanksgiving today... It scared the hell out of the people in the frozen foods section though.
What does an Apple Watch do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.
How are blizzards and men alike? You don't know when they're coming, you don't know how many inches you'll get, and you don't know long they'll last
(pretend he's alive for this joke) Michael Jackson can find the hospital easily He always nose where to go
Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows... But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
I finally figured out what I want to be when I'm older... younger.
Just walked past a girl with a Banksy tattoo on her arm. She must be a really deep sleeper!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Mark Ruffalo Went into a Job Interview The interviewer asked "What's your strong suit?" "Oh, you know, the Hulk costume."
Guys are all, "Wanna go to my bachelor party?" because asking, "Wanna hang out in a room and get boners together?" would be gross.
If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in  the world.
My new favorite sex position... Is called the JFK. It's where I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
That awkward moment when you're trying to end a conversation and the other person won't stop talking.
A Dad picks his son up from school Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.
*rage dresses *rage stomps down stairs *rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind *rage stomps upstairs *rage undresses
A space heater... would have to be huge.
If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again.
How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. He holds up the light bulb, and the world revolves around him *I'll see myself out*
"Mommy, why did Santa decide to deliver presents on Jesus' birthday." Shits about to get REALLY dishonest up in here.
Guys can we please stop making jokes about obesity? They have enough on their plate already.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
"Moo." - hipster sheep
Throwing acid is wrong.... in some people's eyes.
Why couldn't the soldier feel his legs? Because his arms were blown off.
My 7 year old told us some nut jokes. What do you call a nut on a wall? A walnut! What do you call a nut at the beach? A beech nut! What do you call a nut in the toilet? A peanut!!
"Guys I gotta hang up I have a trout on the other line"
My new Girlfriend told me "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship" I still wish she didn't have one.
Whats the difference between and old computer and a woman? a computer accepts a 3.5 inch floppy
If Reddit starts sacrificing virgins... I'll be screwed... *Then* I'll be okay.
What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door? It won't be long now...
There's a support group for burned-out hacker/activists who want to give up the habit. It's called Anonymous Anonymous.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Why are there so few gay comedians? It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
Donald Trump was really bragging about how big his penis was last night. Obama doesn't believe him. He's now calling for the release of his Girth Certificate.
Just remember... you're unique... Just like everybody else.
Gay guys are OK... ... they're just indifferent.
The presidency should be EASY for Trump... after all, mini hands make light work.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus* ... *makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The worst thing about being bjtten by a spider is that you're probably australian
My girlfriend said she liked the jewelry my grandmother wore so I bought her a life alert necklace
Did I tell you about my attempt to grow bananas in sand? It was fruitless.
What did Billy Mays do on 12/31/1998 Partied like it's 19.99!
[jokes allowed]Giant methane storms on Uranus Appereantly you can joke around in r/science [original link](http://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/2ybgx8/giant_methane_storms_on_uranus/) Here you go!
My company put me up in the cheapest hotel... I called down to the front desk and said "I've got a leak in my sink." They said "Go ahead."
Australians don't have any problems with gender pronouns... Because we call everyone cunt.
Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed But after a while, it tends to grow on you.
What makes women who own dogs such hot girlfriend material is that you KNOW that foxy mama is used to picking up turds
One wrong choice in a Nancy Drew Choose Your Own Aventure book and you're wearing a human intestine as a scarf in post-apocalyptic Boise.
What does a stripper and a Subway sandwich maker have in common? They both prefer to be called "artists" instead of what they really are.
What does someone with a foot fetish wish for? To meet their solemate.
Why is trigonometry so hard to talk about? You always end up going off onto tangents.
Why won't you read this joke? Cause you've already reddit!
Two flies are sitting on a toilet. One gets pissed off.
Didn't know true sadness until I accidentally pressed a button on my iPhone camera and saw my face from 2 inches away.
Jesus was such a player.... ...he was laid in a manger
Her: I bet you forgot it. Him: I have a photographic memory. [shakes violently] Her: ? Him: Sorry, it's a Polaroid. Is it Becky? Her: NO
What do you call someone who drinks too much water? An aquaholic...
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son "in front of the world." Stand your ground, kid. There's no way he has that technology.
*drops off box to Salvation Army* "Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?" *peels out*
How do gangsters receive communications? Gmail
The movie "Noah" comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
What do you call a wolf you cant find? A where wolf.
If I were a fashion designer I wouldn't spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor's clothing
They say it's a joke, but, is it?
To screw in a light bulb, how many Yodas does it take?
Why did the janitor flush the toilet? Because it was his duty.
Does any one need work. Working with tulips? Putting your tulips on these nuts.
Math teacher joke Why do math teachers never get constipated? Because they always work problems out with a pencil.
The most complicated thing about women is the way their brains don't make any sense.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets. They charged me for laundering money.
What's the difference between my jokes and my penis. My jokes don't make women laugh.
I just read an article about a woman who killed her husband, boiled his body, and turned it into homemade jelly she kept in her pantry! It was really jarring.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I'm tired of saving Daylight... You would think that saving his ass every year you would at least deserve a 'thank you'
Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he had his dick stuck in a chicken
Broken toilet = Bad shituation.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? One you pay $500 an hour to screw you. The other one has sex for money.
Bruce Willis... Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies. Because, you know what they say about old habits...
What service do you get if you sleep in a bakery? Bread and Bakedfast!
Gandolf here, TIFU by letting the Seahawks pass
Anyone notice the irony behind "hyphenated" and "non-hyphenated"?
I Was Accused Of Being A Paedophile Today... Now who wants a sweet?
What's the cheat code for Friday?
monica lewinsky had one job.... and she sucked at it.
You know how horny the Romans were back then? For fuck's sake, they even nailed Jesus!
What did the mexican get on his SAT's? Taco crumbs
My girl says I'm like a volcano in bed... Dormant
How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won't have to wash our hands?
"I'm going to the post office. I need a place stamp" Wtf is that? "I dunno but this envelope says I need one here"
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he'd say "Hello Hello, so you think he'd answered and that's why he's dead.
Why isn't the Vice President running for the Democratic Nomination this year? He's Biden his time.
whenever white girls are fighting and one of them calls the other "hun" during the argument world war 3 begins
Do you like jokes that make you think a little? If you had an one-legged horse, what would you name it? Flattery.
Her love makes my world go round.
I did not expect Brazil to get beaten this badly by Germany I really did Nazi it coming
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun COP: Was it a revolver? ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas & all she said was "a race war" (??)
I have a very nice joke about unemployment.. but it never works.
I went to M.C. Hammer's house once. It was annoying. He won't let you touch anything.
One day my kids will find a "We're Closed" sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I'll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.
If I can make even one person laugh on here then I'm not doing my job. The job I actually get paid for.
What's the difference between a priest and his dog? One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.
A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died He was sentenced to death
Saw two jeeps crash into each other today. There were Dave Matthews Band CD's everywhere.
Just found out why they replaced Gav in the Autoglass advertisements, apparently he died of indigestion. RIP #gavisgone.
How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar? You have to read ursine.
Why are gametes so popular? Because sex cells!
I'm in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don't poop.
What's the easiest way to get a virus into ISIS computer systems? By sending them executables.
Who do patriotic latinos talk to? You ese.
Date - "so...are you going to be doing that for the whole date?" [i can't hear her over my tuba]
My penis is jealous because... baby, you just blew my mind
Closing time, son "Huh?" You don't have to go home but you can't stay here "But I live here Dad" *Dad stares at me* Don't forget your Xbox
A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint. The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.
My son touched my leg & said "so soft!" Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him. Girls aren't exactly rocket science, guys.
When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer..it's "art" and "music". But when I do it...I'm "wasted", and "have to leave Home Depot".
Another joke from my daughter Her: Why did Sally fall off the swing? Me: Why? Her: Because she had no arms. Me: ??? Her: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Her: Not Sally!
Women are like parking spaces.... All the good ones are gone, so every now and then when no one is looking, you stick it in a disabled one.
Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I'm not a chick so this won't get 624 faves
I always ware my Seahawks jersey on test day... Because i know ill pass even if i shouldn't
What do you call a Social Justice Warrior in a society of strippers? The thot police! ^^^^PleaseDon'tBeTooHardOnMe.
What is the difference between a Japanese person and a cannibal? One eats Ramen and the other eats raw men.
[OC] How did the author get from one plot point to the other? A Segway. --any tweaks to make it better?
What happens when clowns get divorced? They end up in a custardy battle.
English, if I ran it: A group of geese is called a "group" A group of buffalo is called a "group" A group of catfish is called a "group"
What do you call an Asian prostitute? Chinese-y
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.
Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen. In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.
What's red and orange and looks great on hippies? Fire.
Why did the shark cross the Great Barrier Reef? ...To get to the other tide! Shark Week Hoo Ha Ha!
some say bill gates named his company after his penis. but Steve jobs named his company after the size of his tumor
What does a paint brush eat for dinner? Bristoles!
Trump's Secret Service is going to have a problem If someone shoots at him, they will yell "Donald Duck, Donald Duck"
Who is this guy named Rorschach and why does he paint pictures of my parents fighting?
I wanted to be an investment banker when I grew up Then I lost interest.
I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I'm high
What do you call a virgin redneck? A girl that can outrun her brothers.
[As a tornado destroys their home] Wife: You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Husband: I really miss Baywatch.
Why are there no Televisions in Afganistan? Because of the taliban
I got a job digging graves, I don't know how, I just fell into it.
Just so you know, I am not going to be RTing any more racist jokes. Racism is a crime and crimes are for black people.
Q: What's red and sits in the corner? A: A naughty tomato.
Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? - A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I'll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Why did the US citizen cross the road? To cross the border into Canada.
Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say "Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?" then just sit there for 5 years.
Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am currently sober.
July 4th celebrates the original Brexit. Thanks George
What porn do Saudis get away with? Camel toes.
Just became a father last week! My son is a tea fanatic, can you guess his favorite kind? Tit-tea
You know what they say about guys with small hands... They draw small crowds.
*Cute girls approaches* "You keep glancing over here, so I thought I'd come make the first move" *Panics* *Starts making car alarm sounds*
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!
David Bowie = Died at 69 Alan Rickman = Died at 69 Donald Trump = is 69 I think we all understand where this is heading
I like my sheds the way I like my strip clubs... ...dark and full of hoes
Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? You would run away too if you name was "MMMMMMMMMUUUUUUAAAAAAHHHHHHH."
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme.
Two neanderthals had a baby... No Homo
What's the best way for a prostitute to advertise? Word of mouth.
Why don't cows hang out with camels? They're all a bunch of drama-dairies.
Yo mama's so old... Her age has to be expressed in scientific notation!
I found out I was dyslexic when I got invited to a toga party. I turned up as a goat.
What's the best way to remove a grass stain? Alcohol? I don't see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games (alternate) But my preferred style in bed is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.
What did David Bowie want for Christmas? Carrie Fisher.
Why didn't the armless man get the joke? He just couldn't grasp it.
One of my ancestors invented the glove Well, he had a hand in it
Two snowmen are standing in a field... One snowman turns to the other and says, "yeah, I smell carrots too."
What did the frustrated cannibal do? Threw his hands up
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? VET: where exactly is your dog ME: he's uh coming later
Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.
How do you stay hidden in the Desert? Camal-Flage
Rectum? Damn near killed'em Does anyone know the beginning of this joke? I only know the butt of it.
Why did the hobbit go vegan? Because MEAT IS MORDOR!
Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan? Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought that she had stopped aging.
What did the headlines read after the midget fortune-teller escaped from jail? Small medium at large.
If I've learned anything from online dating sites it's that all the single women are on top of mountains.
If you think your job is meaningless remember that in the BMW factory, there are people whose job is to install turning lights
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? I dunno, they just seem a bit shady.
What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean. 
Pasta joke My wife laughed when I told her I was planning to bulld a car made out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
an irish man left the bar...... no, really, it happened......
Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
Why did the eskimo spend 3 hours arguing with the return counter? Because the warranty is void if the seal is broken.
Nissan trucks. What, are you expecting there to be a punch line?
*talking to mailman* So are you like, made of mail? *mailman laughs* "sure, kid" So that must mean.. *fireman & garbageman walk by* Holy shi
How did the frog die? He kermits suicide. I'll show myself out now.
Jokes site,help! Time a go,i read about a site in which there are plenty of jokes in this subreddit..graphically,it was very minimal.Could someone help me?
Never Forget Girl: Can you finger me? Boy: Sure. Girl: Oh yeah that feels good. --------- 1 Day Later ----------- Girl: I'm pregnant. Boy: Dammit I forgot to wash my hands.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...
What did Ghost A say to Ghost B? Nothing because ghosts don't exist. Edit:Holy crap I just realized I didn't post this on /r/antijokes.
What did Mr. Marijuana say to Mrs. Marijuana when she asked if her dress makes her look fat? "I'll be blunt..."
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't stop talking about Star Wars. I said "Please don't leave me, Yoda one for me." In other news, I'm single.
What do you call the memory of a camping trip? Past Tents
Why did the American spend an entire winter in a Russian hotel? They say he was snowed in.
Old But Gold Two dyslexic men walk into a bra...
What do you call a spy who is into BDSM? James Bondage.
So there's an innuendo competition on in town next weekend..... I was thinking of entering my sister.
What do you call a pile of kittens? A Meowntain
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface. It was just called "Face."
Not all Latvian so unfortunate Lucky man is farmed 3 potato. Soon man has hit by lightning and die. Is true some have all luck, struggle finally over.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
If I could be Brad Pitt for a day, I'd dress Angelina in a Santa Suit and beg her to violate herself with a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage.
How do you get the water in a watermelon? Plant it in the spring.
I'm single by choice...of others.
These jokes about semen are getting out of hand Seriously guys, put a sock in it
You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you're like "Screw it let's just move?" That's why we're exploring space
My ex-girlfriend used to have this strange fetish... She used to enjoy being strangled until she turned blue in the face. It's too bad that I am colorblind.
So a white man walks into a plastic surgeon's office... [FIXED] He tells the plastic surgeon, "I want to become a black man."
What does the daddy gun have when he becomes a father? A bb gun.
I tried to start learning French verbs... ...but it's impossible with all the new pronouns.
Her: Ok you hang up. Him: No, you hang up first. Her: No, you first. Him: No, you first. NSA: Both of you hang up.
What do you call two Irish gunfighters in a duel? Kenny Killarney and Arny Kilkenny.
What do the letters D.N.A stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn't be!
How many rationalists does it take to change a lightbulb? Probably one but you can't generalise.
I would never write a joke in multiple choice form... Because A) person who thinks that it would B) funny should go C) a psychiatrist.
I organized a threesome last night There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.
Damn girl, are you reddit? Cus you repeat the same stupid shit over and over
What does Hillary Clinton's presidency and Bill Clinton's presidency have in common? They were both ruined by weiners.
For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs. Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.
What's the difference between the Canadian-American border and a performance enhancing drug? Niagara Falls, Viagra rises.
Guys, please don't forget to wake up Green Day tonight. September is ending.
Me: Look. There's a deer. Hunter: Don't spook it. Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
What do you call a girl that you meet on Reddit? You don't.
"Speak softly and carry a big stick." -- Teddy Roosevelt "Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick." -- Donald Trump
I'm a responsible adult Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine
I don't like 2k+1. He's so odd.
My sex life That is all
have you tried subways new jared special? two small buns with extra mayo
Afghan shaking a carpet I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"
*smudges lipstick* *smears eyeliner* *gets mascara on earlobe* *never tries make-up sex again*
What did the farmer say about his missing vegetables? Lettuce pray they turnip.
How do you calm down a grammar Nazi? There they're their...
Why is something that keeps you from burning your fingers on a joint called a roach clip? Because potholder was already taken
A chemistry joke. Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases in here." Helium doesn't react.
So a silver mine collapsed in Germany... So a silver mine collapsed in Germany, I guess you could say that's one mein fuhrer. I don't know if that exists or not, but as far as I know, I made that up.
There was once a man named Devin Who thought his home was heaven He was having some fun But his hands felt numb Bush did 9/11
I knew a guy who was dyslexic... ...but he was also cross-eyed, so everything came out right.
Why did the captain execute the pastry chef? Because his orders were to shoot all desserters.
I want to give you guys my best dad joke... ...but I'm afraid you won't give it back.
Short simple fish joke A fish is swiming upstream in a river hits a concrete wall looks up and says ,dam!
Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.
I sometimes feel kinda brave until I see a slightly above average size moth.
Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, "Who's Siri?"
What's George Washington's favorite song. Doesn't matter, just as long as it's royalty-free.
How could I forget, mate? At an Australian parliament meeting, two guys were shouting back and forth and one said: "I am a country member!" and the other said: "Oh, I remember!"
I met my ex girlfriend on a treadmill We had to break up. It wasn't going anywhere.
Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
Do you want to hear a ghost joke? That's the spirit!
We have it so good in America that once a year we voluntarily do migrant work and call it apple picking.
Apparently "will work for food" doesn't involve hunting.
There are 70 ways to make a man happy... One is booze and the other is 69.
I've been playing this online game where you mostly end up immobilised and eaten alive by insects. It's alright, but just feels like another form of e-scaphism.
Did you know that by today's standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Whats the hardest part about cooking vegetable? getting the wheelchair in the oven.
I just heard the most beautiful song. It was something about sluts in the club.
"Vini Vidi Venti" --I came, I saw, I ordered the large coffee at Starbucks.
A knock on Tim Cook's Door Knock, Knock. Who's There? IRS. IRS Who? Tax Audit You Idiot
Starbucks puts the fee in coffee
People say I'm a people person It's like a dog person, but with a lot more chains in my basement.
Where there are 4 irishmen.... You always find a 5th
[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign? Cancer.
I was really disappointed with Walmart There were only four of them in stock.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and dead babies? I didn't lose my virginity in the back of a Lamborghini.
Peanuts HEY THERE SO TWO PEANUTS ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET, AND ONE WAS ASSAULTED. http://www.masterpiecepumpkins.com/Graphics/RodneyDangerfield%20%20_orig.jpg
Can't wait to get old so I can shower sitting down.
"I'd like one personal pizza please" Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother. "Whoa maybe not that personal"
Mumford and Sons next album is just going to be someone rubbing an antique burlap sack against a microphone for an hour.
What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking? A leave of Absinthe.
Why does everyone hate peppers? They always get jalapeno business!
Don't tell a Klepto this... ...they take everything literally.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. She thinks to herself, 'Some asshole's got my pen.'
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
People say I shouldn't have bought so many books about the Nazis But I was only obeying Borders.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they'll blame the host's cooking. Lol.
Q: What is green and goes a hundred miles per hour? A: A fuel injected pickle.
Good cop: we found her body in the river Cop who doesn't want people knowing he can't swim: I was sick that day otherwise I'd have found it
Pizza is like sex. When its good, its reeallly good, but when its bad... It's still pretty damn good.
For some reason all of my friends are calling me racist I just can't seem to get through to them that racism is a crime, and crime is for black people
Shop Locally. Sometimes we have the thing you need maybe I dunno come back next week.
I used to have a car that was made out of wood... The only problem was it woodn't go!
I wish I was invisible &amp; could fly... I'd then beat up a mime and see how much applause he gets.
Tell me more about how awful dubstep is, generation that celebrated disco.
Why should you never run in front of a bus? You will get tired.
I just lost my mood ring... I'm not sure what to feel about this.
Why don't my dog and my cat get along? She's a Re-puppy-can and he's a Demo-cat!
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer.
What do you and a black hole have in common? You're both dense motherfuckers.
Do you sell bloodpants? "Nope" Shitpants? "Nope" Droolpants? "Nope" Sweatpants? "Right this way..."
Is your mum black ? Cause she has a massive dick.
Q: Why was the broom late? A: Because he overswept.
My friend told me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. I told him I'm not a tool or in a shed. Sure showed him.
What would the news headline be if virginity could be restored? Unfucking Believable?
Why do people prefer male bovine over female? Many would rather be served a Sir Loin than a Miss Steak.
What's the best part about dating a Muslim The sex is explosive
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
The NSA is to blame for obesity in The United States. Because the camera ads 10 pounds.
what do my ex and my toilet have in common? They both keep bringing up old shit
Dear Sir / Madam... Your transgender operation was a partial success.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Why don't melons ever run away and get married? Because they cantaloupe
My wife always takes up two parking spaces. She ought to go on a diet.
When you feel sad When u feel sad.... To cheer up just go to the mirror and say, "damn I am really so cute" u will overcome your sadness. But don't make this a habit..... Coz liars go to hell !!!!
If your Uncle Jack helped you off the horse... Would you help your Uncle Jack off the horse?
Did you know Wiener dogs are the the breed that bites the most people? Well, you would be pissed off too if your arms and legs were a foot long!
"I piss off a lot of deaf people when I talk" -Italians
Did you hear about the accountant that audited the greengrocer? Sure was a turnip for the books
I would make a sparrow joke... But they don't fly very well.
Pi compliment Wow, you look radian today.
I will literally punch you in the throat the next time you misuse the word "literally".
ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "  Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."  ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
What did the pirate day on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
What do you call it when your Stepmother poops? A Step-Stool
Did you hear about the Facebook crash? It took a tumbl!
[Bar] "What'll you have" Scotch "You want it neat" No thanks *bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky* Thanks
Divorced Barbie. Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff.
What's the difference between a bird, and a bird with only one wing? It's a matter of [a pinion](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pinion).
why is it so hard to solve a murder in Kentucky? Because everyone is related and there are no dental records.
I made up a new word plagiarism
Why should you never date a vegan girl? She won't swallow.
'Mum' yelled Johnny from the kitchen 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?' 'Yes dear what about it ?' 'Well your worries are over.'
Waiter there is a fly in my wine ! Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!
You are a sad, strange little man... That's what she said!
I can't believe it's Christmas eve eve eve and they're making me work.
I'm sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.
The Seven Dwarfs The seven dwarfs were all in a hot tub. They were all feeling happy, then Happy got out.
heard this one today what's Michel Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli!
My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more. Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!
What do you call it when someone shoots a group of fish in a barrel? A school shooting
Walking by the lingerie section Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway. Me: Uh huh.
Doctor, doctor... I have a cold and feel like I'm about to explode... ...well sit down and blow your nose up!
What did the little boy say upon putting the finishing piece on his Snow man "For the watch"
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum. Mary: What about that rad drum? Little Drummer Boy: No Mary: Get out
How do we know Jesus wasn't good with the ladies? He only got nailed once
What's the most eco friendly subreddit? /r/Jokes because over 90% is recycled garbage.
Q: Why wasn't there any food after the monster party? A: Because everyone was a goblin.
You're the she to my nanigans.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
What is the difference between a painting and jesus? A painting only need one nail to hang
Help I'm addicted to skin I can't stop wearing it!
two flies, eating dinner So two flies are eating a piece of shit. The first fly farts. The second fly looks over, disgusted, and says "ummm...excuse me...I'm eating here...".
What do you call it when you jerk off in the bath? Mastubation
What did Jesus say to the Mexicans? Don't do anything until I get back
I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator I wonder how many people are in that field
What tree gives the best high-fives? A PALM tree!
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
"Let's go with a clown, a penguin, and a guy that tells riddles." - The guy who came up with batman's villains.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? (2-part joke) *A no-eye-deer!* What do you call a kitten with no eyes? *Animal abuse.*
It's raining I'm pouring. Chick at the bar is whoring. We went to bed, she gave me head. Who says conventions are boring?
Whats the last thing that went through the suicide bombers mind? His ass
I wonder whether there are bars for lesbians at clown colleges and, if not, just what those students would do for a Clown Dyke Bar.
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
Note to self Don't buy one.
Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict : Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium
The problem with girl scout cookies: no matter how many I eat, I always want Samoa.
What do you call 5 black people having sex.. ...a threesome.
Everybody, it's OK to vote for Hillary Clinton The snuke in her sniz was successfully deactivated.
Did you hear about the movie with the Red Tractor? The trailer was better
Trump to Implement Specific Insurance Plan He wants to have a toupee-er system.
i dont refer to my fans as fans. i call them friends. anyway i'll buy one ceiling friend & two oscilatimg desk friends. now i hav 10 friends
I normally despise the idea of "separate but equal", but I would love a separate gay drink menu.
Who came first, the chicken or the egg? They came together, it was a perfect lay.
So, I picked up a girl last night at a Rapture party and we went back to my place... When I woke up in the morning she was gone!
I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?
Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now. Work faster, whiskey.
A Pervert, A Con Artist and a Fascist walk into a bar... ..The Bartender Says, "What'll it be Mr. President Trump?"
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn't believe in reincarnation either".
At what point in time were cats being stored in bags so frequently that they had to come up with the phrase: "the cat's out of the bag"?
What do you call it when you say "please" and "thank you" during sex? common Coitusy
[NSFW] I met a girl called Michelle at a bar... Her: Hi, I am Michelle Me: I am Donaldson, but people sometimes call me Dick. Her: How do you get Dick from Donaldson? Me: You ask nicely.
Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.
"Aw shit, my blackberry photos got hacked" ... ...said nobody ever
nock nock whos der? i dunt no anser da door
Man walks into a zoo. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It's a shitzu.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Why is Hitler's Favorite Animal the Cheetah? Because they are the Facist animals within existence.
What an old women's vagina taste like? Depends
What direction does a Walter White-themed GPS tell you to turn? Goddamn right.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I'm not doing that."
What's the difference between the number 3 and David Cameron? One's a prime number, the other's a prime minister.
*strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called "I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet? 1996: eww that's gross 2016: head first without thinking
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions. H2: So? H1: "Fav Law of Thermodynamics?" There's more than one? H2: F this. Who's next?
If I washed my dick 100 times, would you suck it? -No? -You dirty cocksucker you.
The term "Every 60 second in Africa..." is stupid Everyone knows Africains don't get seconds. They're lucky if they get a single serving.
1) Find and catch a rabbit 2) Go to restaurant 3) Complain about a hare in your meal 4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet
Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
What's a crime that doesn't exist now, but might become illegal in 100+ years? Posting this question to r/askreddit.
Viagra now comes in a liquid form, people in nightclubs have been putting drops of it in their eyes..... Apparently it makes them look hard.
My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it.
Why can't you tell when a pterodactyl is going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
I've consumed three coffees plus two energy drinks with black carrot and what I'm trying to say is there won't be commas in my tweets today.
Knock knock You: "Knock knock" Victim: "Who's there?" You: "I ate up" Victim: "I ate up who?" (May need to be read aloud)
If there's a God then how come sometimes tomatoes get slightly too soft and then feel weird in your mouth?
I was thinking of making sperm-brand merchandise... ...because sex cells
How many police men does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter...they'll just beat the room for being black.
Do you know the one step to avoiding Clickbait? Obviously not
The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons... I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.
What does a turkey scream right before you squirt a hot load all over it? Baster! Baster!
Alzheimer joke (Not sure if repost)
What is white, and 14 inches long. Absolutely nothing.
Female perfect set of legs!!! Feet on one end...pussy on the other!
I hear your not supposed to refer to police as policemen or women anymore. Something about it not being the PC term.
A man walks into a restaurant...
Q: Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon? A: Because she'll let it go!
What do you call an aardvark that's been thrown out of a pub? A barredvark!
My boss said "You're the worst fucking train driver ever," "How many trains have you derailed to date?" I replied "It's hard to keep track."
Why did the woman throw the stick of butter out the window? To watch the butterfly
I made an animated graphic of the inside of an egg. ThatsTheYolk.gif
I'm getting a vanity plate that reads "B Pitt" because I like people to be disappointed when they look at me.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it!
Your mom... ...is so fat she always follows her gut.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I'd be Nopey.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
What does cheese say to itself when taking a selfie in the mirror? Hallooooo me!
People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks? The riverbank.
what kind of knife is used to perform female circumcision? a beaver cleaver
What does your hot mom where under her skirt? A Freudian slip.
Jay-Z should open a pizza place. But all good pizza places need a nice Italian name, he could name it.. Lou Menotti's.
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar? they each got 6 months
Why are promise rings 1/10th the price of engagement rings? They only work 10% of the time.
[on death row] "what would you like for your last meal?" "A McRib" "McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont...oooh well played!"
Nobel Prize winners are a lot like farmers Oftentimes they are outstanding in their field.
[my first day working on The Avengers set] *leans over to Joss Whedon* I hear this Josh Sweden guy is a real dork
[Mad scientist lamenting] "All that work, trying to create a perfect palindrome ..wasted! DAMMIT I'M MAD !" (Pauses) "Hey...wait
My math text book got recalled We were told it had too many problems
Two guys walked in a bar and said.. The Game.
Why do bears have fur coats ?  Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !
If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.
What do you call a wanderin' nun? A Roamin' Catholic
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid's hand right up to their first drug deal.
The company hates when I helicopter into work. It's always, "zip up your pants and go see HR now!"
Knock, Knock Smell mop.
i don't drink to forget, i drink to remember how much i like drinking.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Ooo! The morning weather girl... Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
What did Thomas Jefferson grow? Old.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopus
Girls are like blackjack I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 16.
What do you call a boat that gives you nothing but trouble? A woe boat.
If i had a dollar for everytime someone called me a racist black people would probably come rob me.
If you're a vegan who does crossfit... which do you tell people first?
What do Bristol Palin and Iraq have in common? It's just so hard to pull out.
Why don't married men live as long as single men? They don't want to!
Two rules for success! 1. Never reveal everything you know.
Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.
Why shouldn't you give a Western feminist the first serving of a fruit cocktail? Because they'll just pick out all the cherries.
An archeologist found a tampon. He wondered what period it was from. (Not my joke! Credit to Shane Koyczan's poet friend)
I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks... I didn't want to interrupt her.
Why don't you make jokes about muslims? Because they will fucking kill you.
6am: Too tired 8am: This isn't so bad 1pm: OMG so tired 5pm: zombie 8pm: Dead 10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS
Why did the plumber cry? His family died.
Sometimes I smoke a cigarette after sex because it's hard to explain that I'm lighting a match to get rid of the smell.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Why does a cow have hooves but not feet? Cause they lactose.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
I just put on a Apple sticker to my Toshiba laptop.. .. so it's now called a Macintoshiba!
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
So two guys walks into a bar.. One of them says "Ouch"
I never really liked the word syllable. It's seems pretty full of itself.
When you walk into a barn You step on some shit. Dammit Bojack.
Sometimes I feel awkward cause I don't quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then I imagine if I was an octopus and I feel better.
Joke: Genie in the bottle | geaNostra
Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
Cracked a joke about the Titanic. Went down well.
I read the instruction manual for my new watch It was about time
What do you call a whale with erectile dysfunction? Mopey Dick.
One day, i came across a mute man, and he said
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. "This food tastes bland. Let's see if I can improve it by adding some rocks."
What's the difference between an Nvidia card and an AMD card? One empties your pocket. The other makes Hot Pockets.
How do pirates know they exist? They think, therefore they ARRRRRRRR!
They say no two people can see a color the exact same way so does that mean color is like A Pigment of your imagination
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He's got his jogging suit on.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player... I want us to see other people.
Why is PMS called PMS? Is it because Mad Cow Disease was taken?
Can't sleep. Too excited for Arbor Day.
Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch? Not really He knows nothing, you can only buy the watch online.
What do you call soap for your ass-hole? Shampooder.
You know what is ironic about Whitney Houston dying in her bath tub? She was taking swimming lessons at that time
What do you get when a mountain climber crosses a mosquito? You can't cross a scalar and a vector.
Really racist joke "They say that black is the absence of light, but really it's the absence of a father."
I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....
Oh boy, I am desperate! My bowels do churn. Too many tacos! I never will learn. Pardon me, Sir! I believe it's my turn. - Horton Has to Poo
What is the difference between a joke and sex? A forced joke can still be somewhat humerous.
I say waiter there's a fly in my soup!  Well throw him a doughnut - they make fantastic life belts!
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
First Guy: "How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition today?" ... ... ..... Second Guy: "I don't know, it was countless."
I need jokes that people can enjoy over and over again.
What did the jew post to the nazi subreddit? r/roastme
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
Found a interesting submission today about how to counter-attack while fencing... Then I realized it was a riposte.
what the cell say to its sister cell when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis
What type of grapes do Indians like? Gangrapes
Trying to argue with someone over text is like being Italian and trying to talk with handcuffs on
Wife: Are you crying in there? Me crying: NO! W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door* Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I'm so confused when the TV voice before a show I'm about to watch says, "For mature audiences only." Can I watch or not?
Why didn't the art thief get away? Because he didn't have to Monet to pay the Guy to make the Van Gogh.
Titanium is a most amorous metal... When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.
What's the worst thing about sex? Buffering.
[INFOMERCIAL] "Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER" Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs... *Changes channel
a man goes to the doctor... "Whats wrong with me?" "You have to stop masturbating." "Why?" "So that I can examine you."
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don't even want it in my garbage.
My great grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell out of the guard tower.
How many words does it take to start a car? Forwards
A flyer says to another flyer: "Yo, wanna hang out tonight?" The other one replies: "Brochure!"
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated Me: I was in no condition to walk
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Cause the it would be a foot!
I have sexdaily... I mean dyslexia fcuk!!! &gt;_&lt;
Q: Why couldn't the cat speak? A: The dog taped his mouth.
Smoking causes a huge financial burden that's shared by all of us, so it only makes sense that they get a bunch of extra five minute breaks.
In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.
I've seen this joke here before, so I changed it and I think it's better. A Jewish boy asks his dad for $50... And his dad gives it to him!!! Ha ha!
What do you call a mountain of kittens. 3000 karma and a gold.
20 yrs from now they'll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Prank Caller- Hello! is your refrigerator running?? Me- No, but the dishwasher is.. Prank Caller- Huh??? Me- Yeah my wife's out on a jog...
What kind of cancer always stands by the government? Pro-state cancer.
What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song? 'Oh comb all ye faithful'
Ladies, the knight with the shiniest Armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.
There are three types of people in this world... those who can count, and those who can't.
Why can't you make a movie with with Jewish people smoking weed? You can't show a group of Jews getting baked
Change sentence to tense? Teacher: Change this sentence into Future Tense, "I killed a person" . Student: The Future tense is "You will go to a jail"
Did you know that the walrus has the second largest penis of all mammals? ........................... ........................... I have the first :) Stole it from 50 first dates.
Which is more promiscuous, a Northern girl or a Southern girl? A Northern girl says "You can" but a Southern girl says "Y'all can"!
Scientists just discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... it's called 'wedding cake'
How many lives does a German cat have NEIN!
Stages of Candle Burning 1: this smells nice 2: still smells nice 3: this is all I can smell now 4: this is the only scent I have ever known
What do you call 4 lepers in a jacuzzi? Stew
"Mmm..I love your cooking darling." That's the male equivalent to a fake orgasm.
My girlfriend is: - super sweet - light as a feather - pink - melts in my mouth when I eat her - always at a circus - possibly cotton candy
My grandfather got his tongue shot off during WWII He never talked about it.
Taking a nap is like sex..... It's never as good as you had hoped for but better than nothing.
What do you call a prisoner who's psychic,has dwarfism and escaped the prison? A small medium at large!
[interviewer looks up from resume] in the skills, you wrote "completing sentences? Yes." wow. you "'re hired?" amaz- "on prime?" get out.
I would love to buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle... But I can't afford all the shirts.
American: I was just at a shotgun wedding Me: How far pregnant was the bride? American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant
What's Dracula's car called? A mobile blood unit.
How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards? Starting off with 2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.
Lol Q: What's Peter Pan's favorite restaurant? A: Wendy's!
Facebook is like an Emotion Bank People deposit their feelings to save, but usually gain very little interest.
I keep trying to think of the unit for frequency... It hertz my head.
Fun Prank: If someone leaves their car windows cracked cause it's hot outside, start slipping unwrapped Kraft Singles in their car
A skeleton walks into a bar.. Something something beer and mop..
What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows!
I'm not sure if putting Christmas lights up would offend my Jewish neighbours. So just to be sure, i'll hang a massive swastika in my window too.
How do you listen to Taylor Swift and N.W.A one after the other? Make a mixed tape.
Ever notice how white women over 40 can't dance without clapping?
What kind of speech did the farmer give his cornfield? It didn't matter, they were all ears
Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn't drink you back. It doesn't make sense.
What class does everyone remember fondly from Highschool? Nostalgebra
what do you call a fraction where the numerator is bigger than the denominator?(dirty joke) missionary position.
I hate being friends with the repo-guy He only comes around when he wants something.
Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don't jump right in. Heart: CANNONBALL!!!
Wayne Gretzy at a party... Gets folks to drink by yelling, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take!!!!"
Why didn't the rat go to college? It gotten eaten by the bear...and bears don't go to college.
Is your refrigerator running? Because I might vote for it.
My wife Googled "how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter" and now she won't let me stay home alone.
Psychic in a clothes shop Employee: How about this one? Psychic: Nah, its too small Employee:But you haven't even tried it on. Psychic: I'm a medium
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch
I bought 37 self-help books today... I just couldn't help myself.
What do you call Chinese soup made by a Mexican? Juan-ton soup
Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched. Both their phones must've been stolen.
Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager.
A pedophile and an 8 year old are walking into the forest.. The kid says to the pedo, "I am scared" The pedo replies, "You're scared?? I have to walk back alone!"
im leavin the united states now that trump is president i am packing my bags and moving to alaska i don't wanna live in this country anymore
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends? They can't defend their towers.
What did justin beiber say to his mom? I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers
My friend called me a pussy the other day. I told him "You know what the say, you are what you eat." Ayyyy
So a neutron walks into a bar... and asks the bartender how much a beer costs and the bartender says, "For you? No charge."
I heard NASCAR was a distant cousin of Formula 1. I guess that's what they mean by race relations.
I Like My Rum Like I Like My Woman... 12 Years Old And Mixed Up With Coke.
Just found some atheist propaganda in this motel room. I opened the dresser drawer and it was empty.
Q: What do you call Italian women in a sauna? A: Gorillas In The Mist!
A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won't feel a thing."
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum.. Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? ..............you pull the pin and throw it back!
So I'm holding the door for this Japanese guy... He looks over to me and says "Sank you!" Can't believe he just brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
A group of crows framed my best friend for a crime he didn't commit I swear I'll find the murder who criminalized him!
What did Dracula say to the teacher? See you next period.
I hope that guy that "wants to be a billionaire" makes $999,999,999.00 and then gets hit by a bus
So, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs walk into a bar... and I got sued for millions because I used both of their names in the same sentence.
Which race eats the most watermelon? The human race, you racist asshole!
How do you pick up a jewish girl... With a dust pan.
People who don't smoke pot suck. They should all be stoned.
I got pulled over by a female cop.. When i asked what's wrong, she said "NOTHING!!"
I'm so sick of employers asking me what I'm doing in the next four years It's not like I have 2020 vision
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend's place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
They should have never given you girls fake eyelashes. This chick just blinked and it sounded like a flock of pigeons took off.
Where do galaxies go to college? University! Happy 1st day back to school to many of you :)
The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn't shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.
An Irish man left the bar
How do crabs travel cheaply? Pubic transportation
What did a police officer write in the criminal report, when they found a homey from the bottom of a lake, wrapped in 200 kg's of metal chains? -Offender stole more than he could carry by swimming
What will it take to reunite Nirvana? Two more bullets.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkensaw.
Which states is Bernie most popular in? Denmark, Sweden and Norway.
How can you tell the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? I dunno, I just repost them.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game? 4 the home team
What did the lazy surgeon say to his patient? Suture self!
All people who make generalizations about other people are all assholes.
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little nazis.
Government Shutdown: Day 13 Anthony Weiner decides to help. He takes a photo. He tweets. Congress now sees where balls are located.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
Girlfriends are similar to Chrome They use too much of your resources
Usually when I try to be slick and say "keep the change," the money I've handed over doesn't cover what I'm trying to purchase
I've received so many Christmas cards from people I don't know this year, probably because they weren't addressed to me.
Let's see here... Said the blind to the deaf.
There are many fish in the sea. So while waiting I'll just play with my rod.
Look I can summon Australians Have you ever, ever felt like this?
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it!
There Are 10 Types Of People... Those who understand binary and those that don't. ^^^^^^Shitty ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^Original ^^^^^^Joke
My husband asked me to act like a "naughty school girl" for him so I forged a note from my mother saying I don't have to participate.
I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1. My wife thinks I'm going f*cking mental though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard for several hours at a time.
Why are the reddit servers down so much? Because they're being beaten like a dead horse.
What do you call it when a toaster eats a toaster Cannatoasterlism
Its so cold in Minnesota right now. The democrats have their hands in their own pockets.
How does a pirate greet a sea monster? What's Kraken?
Fruits Joke Apple: I look like a Human Heart --- Mango: I look like a Stomach --- Grapes: I look like Eyes --- Banana: I Hate This Game
A student asks his maths teacher.. Student:Do you believe in god? Teacher:Well,I believe in higher powers.
What did Buddy Fletcher, accused ponzi scheme runner and husband of reddit's CEO, say to the duck? [deleted]
I wanted to throw an earth day party... But I forgot to planet
Why was 6 afraid of 7.938? It was being irrational.
What do you call a person with normal abs in a universe full of fat people Abnormal
age 1: goo googa age 2: im a babada da age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i've been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one's laughing now. Wait.
casually discarding styrofoam container filled with buffalo wing remnants into the passing stroller of a baby
What is Popeye's favorite Led Zeppelin song? Olive My Love
Why are black people so good at basketball? Because it involves shooting, stealing and running.
I got a new computer yesterday All it does is sing. I think it was a dell
A wannabee client asked me to find her a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan for $900/month. ...then she added "Oh, I have a 60 pound dog, too." I politely replied: "I don't have a time machine."
"Do you like exotic birds? " Yea, you do look like you've had a cock-or-two.
I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I'm just going to go ahead & judge you.
what do you call a dog who sits on a bench and reads his newspaper? a human-dog xDDD
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type "scorned" and having it autocorrected to "scrotum" 13 times in a row.
A beggar walked up to me and said, I haven't eaten anything for days. I just looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower"
My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together. Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question? I do.
Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal. He changed his name when the pressure got to him.
Why do people hate babushka dolls? Because they are so full of themselves....
Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a dude It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay
If plan A didn't work... Try Plan B. If Plan B didn't work either, congratulations, You're a parent!
Maybe Hitler did nothing wrong... Maybe he was reich.
my doctor gave me 2 months to live when i told him i wouldnt be able to pay off my medical bills by then, he gave me another 2 months
There was this cute girl next to me and I missed a lot of obvious signals... We both ended up dying from the car crash.
Whats the difference between your mom and your dad? Your dad didnt cry when I fucked him in the ass.
What do you call a confused Chinese guy? Wong Wei
How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
Q: Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank? A: He wanted to wake up oily.
The early bird might get the worm, but The second mouse *always* gets the cheese
Don't ever date an Aztec woman.. They will rip your god damn heart out.
A 9 year old patient in the hospital i work at had to have his leg amputated. He asked the doctor "will my leg ever grow back?" The Doctor replied "sorry Johnny, you only limb once"
What do you call a party with 7 girls &amp; 70 midgets? 10 books of Snow Whites
Cannibals probably instagram pictures of their next door neighbors.
Spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
How warm is the inside of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm.
I can sum up EVERY Presidential debate in 4 words: Same Sh*t, Different A$$holes.
A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?! MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham. W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
What's the big deal about jesus turning water into wine? I turned MY student loans into vodka...
What do you call a mythical milkshake? Legendairy (credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)
Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact... Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
Dolphins are the most philosophical of all marine mammals... They send most of their lives searching for a porpoise
Don't take a leaf out of my book I use leaves as bookmarks.
It Only Gets Worse As An Adult, Charlie Brown
Man have three potatoes in latvia Is joke, such is life.
"Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" Me: "Sometimes?" "Are you smarter than a 16 year old?" Me: "Always."
What did the lipstick and the eye-shadow do after they got into a fight? Had makeup sex
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Bartender, I'll have a beer please . . . and a mop"
Why did the nun swallow a needle? So she could know what it's like to have a prick inside her.
I like my men, like I like my coffee. So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
No I don't watch Mad Men. If I wanted to pretend like it was fifty years ago I'd just go to a Tea Party Rally.
ME: Why are you leaving? WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago ME: Manhasset been that long?
"Come on now, I'm sure that Megatron isn't such a bad guy when you get to know him..." - Optimist Prime.
Who is the richest painter ever? Monet.
Stop making fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates!
I got 6 numbers at the bar last night... One more and it would have been a complete telephone number. (special thanks to Kevin Malone)
What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!
ow do you organize a space party? you planet
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing. She just gagged a little.
All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea. Dating is hard!
What is the fear of prostitutes called? Ho-bia
Mexican word of the day: nascar Hey man that's a nascar.. Where'd you get it?
What do you call a guy from China who is confused? Disoriented.
Did you hear that Iowa State is now offering Agriculture courses? It's a growing field
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better] "sorry, we're full" [lights myself on fire]
Why are there only 49 Miss Black America contestants? ..Because none of them want to be Miss. Idaho
What do you call an accurate dog? Spot-on.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One.
What do you call a vegetable/fruit that dies for it's religion? A Tomartyr
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes' with a big smile. The look on her face quickly changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? The toilet doesn't insist on cuddling after you drop your load in it.
What do you call the ultimate fish doctor? The Sturgeon General
My first post. It's also a tech pun. Konrad Zuse's Z1 was so slow it hertz.
Drug dealer I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today. I'm not sure what they're laced with...but I've been tripping all day!
I once told DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars It took him a while but he finally got it. *edit of an existing joke*
Q: Why do ghouls wear glasses? A: So they don't bump into other ghouls.
[PICKLE] Our first chance to help our new ally! http://www.reddit.com/r/pickle/comments/1a2xg8/next_attack_for_our_entire_army_march_12th_at_520/
What did the sign say on the abandoned nuclear reactor? Gone fission
If you steal ideas from only one person, it is called plagiarism. If you steal from many people, it is called research.
There used to be a superhero that could turn into furniture and wore a crown... He was sofa king cool.
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.
"The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in." ~my mother after a few drinks
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.
Girl, You're like the devil. Hot as hell and horny.
What do Japanese people call.. -What do Japanese people call their japs eye? -My eye
Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was going to make a joke about asians... ...but that would be waisis.
What does Batman say when he goes down on a woman? To the bat cave!
"Oh man, that thing looks irritated" - me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
How did the blonde break her leg from raking the leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Everyone has that one friend who treats their Facebook status like their therapist.
The best part of working out is the sweating and the pain and the feeling bad about myself and the burning desire to die
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Why did the man fall off his bike Because someone threw a fridge at him
Shortest joke about misfortune A seal walks into a club
Hey girl, are you a Marxist revolutionary? Cos I'd like you to seize control of my means of production.
Here in the Middle East, we don't need any weed We have the Quran. Burning that shit will get your ass stoned.
Gay men aren't fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.
a man comes into a bar... or was it a horse? yeah i think it was a horse. so a man comes into a horse....
Why doesn't Jesus buy beer? Hebrews.
Interviewer to me: what is your weakness? I replied : Honesty. Interviewer : But Honesty is not a weakness that's a good thing. I replied: I do not give a fuck what you think.
I haven't been drunk in so long, I almost forgot what it's like to love everyone.
I wrote a theatrical performance based on puns... It was a play on words.
My kid just randomly recited my wife's cell phone number that we had no idea he knew. Now we're getting fitted for suits and hitting Vegas.
Why did the bear faint upon seeing his friend eat a donut? He thought his friend was eating his own claw. In reality he was just eating a bear claw donut. D'oh!
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your mum.
"Stop peopling around" - horses?
What did the teen say when she found out she was pregnant? "My mom is gonna kill me!" What did the fetus say when the teen found out she was pregnant? " My mom is gonna kill me!"
Highlighter pens are the future... Mark my words
stewardess Stewardess: "Would you like some headphones?" Me: "How did you know my name was phones?"
What did the string say when the rope proposed marriage? "Let's knot."
Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinder? Apparently he got a little behind in his orders.
"What happened to the Arm &amp; Hammer Deodorant car? He was just on the track a minute ago." "Oh, him? He had to make a pit stop."
"Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor
I'm gonna screw you blue Said the rapist to Inigo Jones
Why are camels known as ships of the desert? ... Because they are full of Arab semen.
It must be really awesome being a baker They make a lotta dough.
What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds? Government bonds mature over time and earn money
I like the phrase bury the hatchet because it implies someone was trying to resolve an argument with a fucking hatchet
Why did the magnet go to the psychiatrist? He was bipolar.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra ? Toga-ether we can rule the world !
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood Age 35: *googles 'Best Months to Live Outside'*
Why don't black people go on cruise ships? They're not falling for that one again.
How do you say "Fuck you" in American Sign Language? Lift your hand up and put all fingers down except your middle finger.
I invented a new sex position called the JFK I splatter all over her while she feverishly tries to get out of the car.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground Up and in the Freezer.
I was gonna make a sodium joke but... Na
He's what you'd call a Bukake expert... ...He's done loads of research.
God damn it Adolf... I told you to pass me the juice not gas the jews!
Miley Cirus' nipple slip at MTV's VMAs
One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb
God wouldn't have made children so short if he didn't want you to fart in their faces.
Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.
Whenever I have sex, my eyes water and I find it hard to breathe... The doctor says its the mace.
I want to start my own ice cream brand and call it "Lick Me Till". Lick me till ice cream...
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
got a meat lover's pizza with the Works: freckles, man curds, leeches, clam clits, jowls, blood clots, charred nuggets, gristle, Megan
The worst analogy ever is like pudding.
I woke up today feeling like a god! I don't believe in myself. :(
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he: A. a ghost hunter B. a virgin C. a sword collector D. all of the above
What do you call a camel in the North Pole? Lost..... Why the fuck would a camel be in the North Pole?
Was Johann Sebastian Bach wealthy? No, he was baroque.
Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I've licked them seductively  what more can I do?
Why couldn't the headless horseman win the race? He couldn't get a head.
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't sever your kind". The mushroom says "Why not, I'm a fun guy".
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?" Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
American Fat Man Falls... ...Levels Japanese City.
Did you hear about the argument between a fire and the sun? It got really heated.
Movember may be over... ...but Pubecember is just getting started.
What did the worker ant say when the queen ant asked him to make mittens for all of the other ants? *Fuck.*
What's a Judge's favorite drink? Guil-tea!
What did the chicken say to the duck who was about to cross the road? "Don't do it, man, you'll never hear the end of it!"
Why is a dance like a bowl of cereal? They are both more enjoyable with dates!
Should I ever go missing, please don't let the news use my 7th grade picture.
What's all this talk about Reddit's servers being down? Guess I can't see what everyone else sees.
Tits man or arse man? "Tits man or arse man?" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.
A blonde chick gets a tattoo... of a conch shell on her inner thigh. "Why did you get that tat in that spot" her friend asked her. "So that when you put your ear against it you can smell the ocean."
What's the difference between one direction and futurama There's only one bender in futurama
TIL something incredibly shocking about Germany's former Chancellor... ...he was **literally** Hitler
You'd think these people on Grey's Anatomy would've already figured out that a major disaster is going to happen every year around May.
Getting a PhD is like an erection, it's long and hard.... unless you're Chinese.
How does someone with amnesia tell a joke? I don't remember.
Did you hear about the Make A Wish Foundation going bankrupt? Some kid wished for more wishes.
What form of radiation bakes you cookies? A gramma ray
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist. That's probably where I'm selling it at.
How many decades of knowing someone before it's rude to ask what their name is?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Did you hear about the detective who failed geometry? He could never get an angle.
Finally getting around to shaving my legs, blow drying them kept taking to long.
What do you get when you cross an attention whore with an attention horse? The centaur of attention.
You know when birds fly in an arrow formation? You know the reason why one side is sometimes longer then the other? Well, there's more birds on that side.
Studies show That 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy
If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line. Me: That's because I haven't had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks "so what's next for you"
What's the worst part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
New Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan TV show. Two and a half kilos.
5-year-old daughter: I don't like my princess shoes with the heels. Me: Do they hurt your feet? 5-year-old: I can't run from zombies.
Why are proteins so bad at poker? They always fold.
It's no fun when someone you're ignoring ignores you back.
Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? Cause' freedom rings
Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-ee-ville or Lou-vul? Neither, it's pronounced Frankfort.
Did you hear about that hippie superhero who could make tulips and daffodils grow just by sprinkling baking ingredients on them? He said it was his self raising flour power.
Knock Knock Who's there? I eat mop. I'll go ahead and show myself out now
How hard is it to find cigarettes? Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.
Today I got told I am condescending....... That means I talk down to people
Fun Fact: A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. Ok, fine, mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.
Where did the memes make their last stand? The Aylmao.
So now they're feeding cow marijuana infused grain? That isn't for me... ...those steaks are too high.
I married a kleptomaniac... She stole my heart.
I blame my parents for my apathetic attitude... ... but I don't care.
My wife has the hottest ass in the world... Me.
How do you kill an Argentinian? Take him to the top of his ego and throw him off.
The relationship between a man and a woman is psychological. She's a psycho and he's logical.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot Me: *kisses her neck* H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it's freezing in here
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew? A boy scout comes home from camp.
My friend said her neighbors came into her restaurant for a book club, turns out it was for a BDSM club. . . I guess people bond over different things.
The NA cs:go scene
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.
Some people get athlete's foot. I get Twitter butt.
Are we dangerous? "Yes" replied mother earth.
If you were my gf, I'd have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day Her: I'm your wife Like I said, if you were my gf
Why do people say amen instead of awomen at church? Because they sing hymns, not hers.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER [flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I was fired from my job as a mortician after I was caught having sex on the job I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.
A groom raises his glass to toast his wife on their wedding day I've finally found a perfect girl i could not ask for more she's deaf and dumb and over sexed and owns a liquor store.
Why do fish always have c-sections? Because they can't have land sections
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
This cop spots this blond driving on the freeway knitting! Pull Over! he yells. No! She yells back, Cardigan!
Obama proved a black man can even be president.. And that no matter how high up a black man gets he can't get out of government housing!
I always get the last word in arguments with my girlfriend. I just say "Yes ma'am"
A babe walks into a bar and orders a double entendre So the bartender gave it to her
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
"Do you want to go out on a date?" *sweats nervously* I C-CAN'T "Why?" *shoots friend next to him* I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND'S FUNERAL
When a boy falls, what does he fall against? His will
What is iron man without his suit? Stark naked.
Wind chimes. Something I've never purchased. Can't see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what'd be nice? Noise.
What did the conspiracy theorist use as his breakup line? Baby, I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who's as real as the Moon landing...
Why does VALVE end with 2? Because they can't count to **3**
Friend: Do I need to repeat myself? Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time
An Existential Question If given the choice between eating outside and watching the Nickelodeon network, what would you do? I'd pick Nick.
Two crossed eyed guys bump into each other in the street... One says, "why don't you look where you're goin" and the other says "why don't you go where you're lookin!"
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it's when your anaconda don't want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Do you know why the USSR fell nearly overnight? Because they stopped Stalin and were Russian!
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Just heard that they served cider at Margaret Thatcher's wake... ...it was Thatchers Cold
If you haven't used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you're not me.
Why don't you have sex with a nameless man? Because no matter what you call him, he won't come. Edit: spelling
What did the beaver say to the tree? [It's been nice 'gnawing' you!](#s)
Today I won the National Laziness Championship! What did you win? Atrophy
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I'd have to stay away from carbs So I've been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
What do you call it when Batman skips church Christian Bale
The other day, a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.
One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
I was bored with my life, and wanted to change something. I changed my mind.
Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.
Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions Me: *sweating* BP: They aren't even illegal
If you're French when you're outside and Dutch in the hallway, what are you when you're in the bathroom? [X-Post r/dadjokes] European. My dad said this one earlier today.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
Why did the knife quit? It couldn't CUT IT! woohoo! I made this one up while sitting at a buffet table. Enjoy! ~Skip
Shoving a hose up someones butt. What a douche move!
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a child, you'll probably hate it as an adult
Soon we'll all have to sign an apartment lease, sign up for electricity, and water, and cable, and school didn't teach any of this.
Every time I pinch a loaf; I think,"I don't knead this shit."
Hey movie villains  make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I'm not fat, i'm half-Bulemic. I eat everything i see, but i can't throw up.
I tried phone sex for the first time the other day... Didn't really like it though, the phone was too cold.
What do you call a gay piece of bread? A faguette
If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.
Why is yoda a bad navigator? "are we going the right way?" Yoda: "Off course, we are"
Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? Hella. How long does it take them? Days.
People tell me that I'm a bad knitter oops, wrong thread
Jokes are like frogs... they die when you dissect them
What does a North Korean ricochet sound like? PYONG! YANG!
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you're making me pitch a tent.
What do you call gingers in Auschwitz? Concentrated Orange Jews
Trump will do the work of two men when elected... Key &amp; Peel. Thanks Ronnie Corbett may you rest in piece.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
What is a religious gorilla called? A monk-ey
I work as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.
Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?" Wife (crying): Yes! Husband: Who? Wife: You! Husband Dies.
I tried this new oral contraceptive I asked a girl to have sex with me and she said no
you're mama so fat... she broke her leg and gravy poured out.
Apparently, having sex with a condom... is not as good as having sex with a person.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
They laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they are all the same"
Q: Why can't Obama poke fun at himself? A: Because that would be racist.
What is the Sun's favorite candy? Starburst! Another one from my 9 year old. I don't know where he gets it.
What's Medusa's favorite kind of cheese? Gorgonzola.
Salads don't kill people. People who eat salads kill people.
The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar:P
Joint Facebook accounts are the couples sitting on the same side of the booth of the internet.
Survival Tip: If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because he won't born yesterday.
What is a 6.9? A great thing, ruined by a period
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I'm an 8 day old fetus And I believe music from the olden days is better than today's shit.
We should all be as confident as those tiny, always-shaking dogs that aren't afraid to bark at things 50 times their size.
What did Eminem learn to defend himself? Marshall arts.
If a stack is first in last out and a queue is first in first out, what is a circular queue? First in never out.
What do you call a beloved terrorist? Guantanamo Bae
Did you know that the NY Jets are 0-2 against Pittsburgh in the NFL Playoffs? Turns out Jet fuel can't melt Steeler dreams.
The Violin Ensemble playing in Carnegie Hall somehow got an R-18 rating... The censors say it contains explicit scenes of violins encore.
Knock knock Who's there? Dave. Oh hi Dave, what's new? *The Boss Faints*
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
Steve Jobs Maybe he was so disappointed with the new iPhone, that he died.
Why don't more people cook Armenian food? Because it can be very thyme-consuming.
I had sex with a Chinese girl. It was great... But I was horny again an hour later.
Why did Hitler hate juice? Cause it was too hasidic. ^^^I'll ^^^be ^^^here ^^^all ^^^week
What do you call a Native American with psoriasis? Apache Indian
Q: Complete the following word analogy:  Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4)  On a Pentium all of the above A: Number 4.
I saw Tom Hanks today so I asked him for his autograph. He just wrote Thanks.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money... I'm sorry, but I've moved on, and maybe it's time that you do too.
What do sex and The Big Issue have in common? (Original Joke) I buy them exclusively from homeless people
How do billboards communicate? Sign language
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.
Why did the gynecologist take a vacation out of the country? To study abroad.
I've watched the same porno movie 126 times. I'm trying to see how it ends.
Did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape?
After Michael jackson died.. They melted all the plastic from his face. They took the plastic and made toys. So the kids can play with him for a change.
Cosby/Fogle for President! Americans can forget the last 8 years happened and feel like kids again.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you're never coming back? That's how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Ex: Holy skinny jeans! Me: They are new. Like them? Ex: Sure... Me: What? Ex: Should a woman your age wear those? Divorce Reason 509
How do you mail an egg? In a henvelope!
What do you call a fear of chainsaws? Logic.
Customer: I didn't order this. Waiter: I know but your meal tastes worse.
I accidentally arrived at work five minutes early today. Speeding CAN be dangerous, kids.
Could use a class in what to do with my hands at a concert.
A redditor discovers that the world will end in 23 hours... The news never even got to report on it.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don't try anything stupid." *Tries to put a fork in a light socket* "Hey! What did I just say"!?
Dyslexic's of the world... ...untie!
What is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar Bear.
A fat man is in the kitchen preparing vegetables The guest asks "Are you cutting?" "No, I'm not." "You should be."
Did you hear about the Lawyer defending the public masturbater?.... He got him off.
I accidentally sent everyone in my address book a naked picture of myself It cost a fortune in stamps
Q: What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for  Halloween? A: Dead.
Dildos are like Pokemon cards... No matter how good your collection, it isn't worth anything if you got them sticky.
Why did the dog go to the hospital? He was feeling ruff.
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Their peckers are on their face!
How do you make a Sea Lion? You remove an electron from a Seal!
What does Captain Falcon drink in Hawaii? PUNCH!
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I have a multiple personality disorder... And so do I.
Trump is a misogynist. And I think it is disgusting the views he has on bitches.
(._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rolling. They hating.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 needs a shit load of adapters to work
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency? Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED! 911: Have u tried looking in her house? Turtle: oops never mind.
Bee Gees Songs: Saturday Night Fever Sunday Night Scurvy Monday Night Measles Tuesday Night Typhoid Wednesday Night Whooping Cough
My husband doesn't find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours. Douche.
I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.
Why are blind people bad at math? Because they lack da-vision.
It's hard to do stuff because, you know, internet.
Life is like a box chocolates... ... It doesn't last long for fat people.
What will be the campaign motto of Trump's opponent in 2020? Make America Great Again
I used to be indecisive.... Now I'm not so sure.
I gave up trying to learn geometry just couldn't see the point.
What do Canadian squirrels eat? Eh-corns.
As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I'm out of there within 4 hours.
Why was the Energizer Bunny tried in court? He was charged with battery.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, Then soviet.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!
If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
How to pick up women: 1-approach beautiful lady 2-bend at the knees 3-lift gently 4-oh god she's screaming 5-put her down the cops are here
So a horse walks in to a bar... ...and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.
What do you call a place where they don't allow sleeveless shirts? A gun free zone
Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in 2000.
When asked if he had ever had a threesome Chuck Norris replied... "Yeah."
The number of things I feel compelled to sniff before I buy, is slightly embarrassing.
What's white and kills you if it gets in your eye? an aeroplane
A World War II joke What was the German Shepard's defense at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."
Why did the calendar die? It's days were numbered.
Teacher draws a penis on the blackboard. "Does any one know what that is?" "Yes," says Tommy. "My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."
Your fancy frankenstein cross-breed vanity dog can't breathe you obnoxious cock
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
I used to give really good advice. Then I got my wisdom teeth taken out.
Me: "What's wrong?" Wife: "Nothing's wrong." [Sighs heavily. Rolls eyes. Clenches jaw. Bursts into flame.] Me: "I think something's wrong."
Necessity is the mother of Cessity. Also Shaquanda.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn't want to hurt people from Florida?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner's life. I'm still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
75% of humans masterbate in the shower, the other 25% hum, do you know what song they hum? Well then I guess I know which percentage you're in.
What's a baker's favorite part of Manhattan? The Lower Yeast Side.
I'd rather spend my Saturday with the dead arm from '127 Hours' than attend a baby shower.
Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.
There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe, call in sick tomorrow.
I keep trying to think of a bone joke But none of them are humerous
Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?
Two atoms were hanging out... One atom says to the other "I am about to lose an electron!" The other atom asks "Are you sure?" The first repies "I am positive."
Hope you enjoy my new song, "Part of This Song's Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason)."
I was walking down the street earlier and saw two kids fighting As an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.
I hate when someone wants to have sex with me for superficial reasons before they even know how funny.
What did the Magician say when he took some Adderall? Hocus Focus
Guys how can you tell if a girl is attracted to you? She touches her ears with her ankles
I don't understand people with anchor tattoos that say, "I refuse to sink." It's a damn anchor! It's supposed to sink! What am I missing?
What do 6.28 people eat? 2
Little known fact: The toothbrush originated in Alabama. Everywhere else it was called a teethbrush.
What kind of smartphone would Harambe have? The brand doesn't matter as long as it has gorilla glass.
How do you make a girl gain weight? Marry her.
What's another name for black pitbull? Flo Rida
Don't give a man a fish. Teach a man to fish. Then sue that man for fishing on your property.
Why wasn't Vladimir late? He was Russian.
whats the difference between a jew and a pizza? pizzas dont scream when they get put in the oven.
What do you call something that you do to your self with one hand? A Selfie!
I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs Turned out to be a pyramid scheme
Simba was moving too slow So I told him to Mufasa
Why was the comedian with bad-ended jokes unpopular? Because everytime he told a joke people fainted in the end.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg? Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.
What do Trump and his supporters NOT have in common? His supporters have a blind trust.
Iron Man is actually a woman He's a Fe Male.
What if Lady Gaga was half Irish, half Japanese? Rady O'Gaga
What is a terrorists favorite snack? An Allah Ak-bar
What do you call two Mexicans playing soccer? Juan on Juan.
If I had a dollar for every gender I would have 2 dollars
What do you get when you feed an Eevee a sandwich? A Luncheon!
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Q: Whats the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock* *worm has pretty laid back morning*
What do u give a woman who has everything? Penacilin
My friend told me that recycling is good for the environment Not on Reddit, apparently. I got downvoted a lot...
What was Jesus' reaction to being crucified? He was cross.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
you met the short guy who came out of the cupboard? that was a low blow
What do lesbian couples do once a month? Finger paint.
Knock, Knock Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to burst into tears as his grandmothers Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer recognize him.
[boardroom] "Now hear me out. They're Teenage.." Ok "Mutant.." I like where this is going "Ninja.." Noun me, Graham! "Turtles" You're fired
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son's Little League games ever since he learned he's in his second year of college.
I am 38, last night i was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ... It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
GOD: let's make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball ANGEL: but why wou- GOD: and we'll call it an armadillo for some reason
Which sex position produces the ugliest children? I don't know, ask your mum.
I really have to hand it to short people Because they usually can't reach it anyways.
What did the type setter sing while he worked? I shot the seriff, but I did not shoot the deputy!
[spoken while holding in a huge bong rip] i'll take a shower when the market demands it
I'm taking my kid to an aquarium today. (I'm putting my kid in the closet with Sponge Bob videos)
How can you tell if a turkey is from Germany? By the way it Goebbels
The Mob Hey, guess who has both thumbs and owes money to mafia. *Gestures towards self with thumbs* *Puts on a serious face* No one has both thumbs and owes money to the mafia.
I went to a support group for premature ejaculation yesterday. I wasn't sure what to wear, so I came in my pants.
LEGAL JARGON! Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian? A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
What do you call fat people eating McDonalds? Cannibalism
Why wouldn't the worker accept 10 fresh chickens as a reward for saving a farm on fire? It was a poultry amount
What's the difference between the IRS and a baby? It takes a lot more than a hammer to make the IRS shut up.
Was really suicidal, so I called the suicide hotline. They patched me through to Al-Qaeda.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you've had enough to eat. Date your grandma
I just invented a new word. Plagiarism.
Tired? Cranky ? Feeling like crap .....There's a nap for that .
My friend told me that I didn't know the meaning of the word "ironic"... ...which was ironic, because we were at the train station.
I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone. The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day." I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"
George Washington's underage brother got into taverns by using the dollar as a fake ID.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
There is no "i" in "team," but there is a lot of "alcohol" in my "fridge" because I enjoy abusing my liver.
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages? There were many knights.
After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral, a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Circus Clown Barbie ...complete with scary face paint and scary  wig
So Pepe is now an international hate symbol... FeelsBadMan.
People need to stop acting like animals have the same emotions as humans... ...they hate it when we do that.
How do you know your dog's cancer is really bad? If the vet says it's mutt-astasized.
We're throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the "party" isn't the surprise.
What did Hitler say to the Chinese food delivery guy that stole his Chinese food? MEIN LOMEIN!
Don't study me,,,,you wont graduate!!
Doc Brown and Marty are watching the news The newscaster announces "Due to a large string of worker protests in the United States the price of cheese has gone up 200%" Doc Brown: "Grate, Scott!"
If a woman gave in very fast it's not because of the man but the men that came before him.
Why did the cat sleep under the car ? Because she wanted to wake up oily !
HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession. ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.
I once told DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars He didn't get it
What do cannibal say when they say grace? ''We thank youLord for our daily dead!''
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
What do you call a caffeinated beverage that lasts forever? Infini-tea.
Bill Cosby's new t.v. show premier's next month, "Rape Victims Say the Darndest Things!"
What's a bear's favorite kind of treasure? Bearied.
What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? One's against the law and the other is a sick bird.
I feel bad for people who suck at simulations. You can say, for them, i feel... Sim-pathetic! (Ba-dum-tuss)
the Facebook app for iPhone
Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights? Because he was soda-pressing
What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box? All dressed up, with no place to go.
They should make Star Trek toilet paper... ...so you can help wipe Klingons off Uranus. (been a while since this one's been around. Just heard it again today from my 5 year old niece)
So Mrs Lincoln... Besides that, how'd you like the play?
My butt was set on fire while I was out with my girlfriend It was really ember-ass-ing.
Enthusiasm 365 days until Christmas and people already have their trees up.
Can we start a Rihanna joke thread? Or did Chris Brown beat her to the punch?
What runs all day but never gets tired? Water.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapus
What did the statue say to the chair? Chair? Statue?! :D
If a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home.
My friend asked why his computer kept crashing. I told him, 'because they can't drive' . (Girlfriend told me this joke)
*wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*
What do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of dirty laundry and some detergent.
My friend started a beer company named "Dilla" So I went to the store and bought a case a Dilla.
What's 16 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Obama's Tie.
Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.
Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete falls out. Who is left? Repeat. Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete falls out. Who is left?
The creator of the Hokey Kokey died last week... The funeral was a nightmare... when putting him in the coffin, they put his left leg in... And that's when the trouble started.
What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your truck back, you get your house back, you get your girl back, and you get your dog back.
First Caribou: What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind? Second Caribou: A maybee.
When life gives you lemons Drink the kool-aide
My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
Fabulous Prime: The Gay Transformer.
TIL there is a meteorologist known as Richard Assmann Punchline: Dickbutt
I'm really obsessed with Harry Potter. On a scale of 1-10, how obsessed do you think I am? 9 3/4
75% of men dont get enough fibre in their diet.. ....tough shit
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? One they're just like the rest of us except they're good with money.
I can't believe they still have commercials for phone sex. What kind of sick maniac enjoys "talking on a phone?"
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like "Does it really fire babies?" & "Have you seen my son Jeff?"
Is there anything better than a good ol pat on the back.. to help you get out that last stubborn turd lodged up your sphincter?
My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card He's a man after my own heart.
Darth Vader's full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.
My neighbour tells me that he's poured a trail of spiced wine all the way from my house to his. But when I go outside to check... There isn't a punch line.
[Racist] Why can't African Americans stretch their arms? Because they're handcuffed.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
If I got a dollar everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!
A man gets a quote tattooed on his dick. He goes home to his wife who says, "stop trying to put words in my mouth!"
My great grandpa died in the holocaust. He fell off his gaurd post.
What did the mortician say to his new necrophiliac employee? Don't worry, you'll fit right in.
The National Shredded Cheese Council just endorsed Donald Trump for president... They're ready to make America grate again.
"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"
My friends told me we were going for a ride and I called "Shotgun"... ... they did'nt tell me we we're actually going for a drive-by. FML :(
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
"In case of emergency break glass" Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can't even open a Cheetos bag.
My favorite sex position? Boy there's so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I'd have to pick, um, reverse...shortstop? I gotta go
Wife A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
A priest, a rabbi, a horse, and a blonde walk into a bar... ...The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I'm all wet! "Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
What did Batman say to Robin before getting into the batmobile? "Get in the batmobile"
The thunder god.. sat upon his favourite Filly, I'm Thor, He Cried! The Horse replied, You forgot your thaddle thilly
TIFU by getting fired from the calendar factory All I did was take a couple of days off.
In a recent drug use quiz at work, I won. Nobody got higher than me.
2Pac died because he lived the thug life. This 6 pack is going to die because I live the chug life.
Two Irish men walk into a bar.... What else is new?
If some people still have ray rice jerseys, keep em. I use mine as a wife beater
Did you hear what happened to Lot's wife? She got assaulted
Do you know why WWII got the world out of The Great Depression? Because we got all the money back from the Jews.
Everyone stop over reacting! There was no Earthquake.... I slipped in the shower, these things happen...
Why was the 6 month old Nigerian unhappy? He was having a mid life crisis.
Why wasn't Jesus born in lindsay Ontario. Couldn't find three wise men. Or a virgin...
Cocktail bar.. Wife went to a cocktail bar, she asked the barman for a double entendre ..,so he gave her one.
After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
There is no way Siri could be a woman, she only speaks when she's spoken to.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don't need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I dont 'scrub up' like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon
Forget Beniffer & Brangelina! The new power couple in Hollywood is Peeta & Katniss from The Hunger Games! Or Peeniss for short.
Last night, I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach... At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning...
My brother and I share the same birthday. We aren't twins, our parents are just fucking cheap.
Why can't two melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did Hitler kill himself? The gas bill was too high.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love" but it's actually "floor" .
Did you see the results of the swimming competition at Lake Gennesaret? Jesus won in a walkover.
Unicorns have the best poker faces.
When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread... it's called gluten tag. I'll show myself out.
A knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there? Orange Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't keep making you knock only to have me keep saying banana over and over again in preparation for the punchline?
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? She lay awake all night wondering if there was a Dog.
I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.
What do do you call a Mexican rolling in the sand? A churro.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts. Credit to the man who came through my check lane at work.
what's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Jesus? Jesus died a virgin.
What is the opposite of progress? Congress
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Nice guys finish last And they generally warn you just before they do.
What's the difference between a garden hose and a the male prostate? Well, there is a vas deferens.
If you want big tips... ...circumcise an elephant.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
Man didn't invent the wheel It invented itself after seeing Chuck Norris.
Why is everyone afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine!
That awkward moment when it's not actually awkward, but just sort of a general observation about everyday life.
Obama is in a sinking ship. Who gets saved? America
You remember when you were a kid, you had tons of fun blowing bubbles in the bathtub? I saw Bubbles the other day, he told me to say "Hi!".
Be wary about dating a female that pronounces the letter H silent Especially when she tells you that all she wants is happiness.
X-post from /r/christianity t
Why does Pinocchio lie? because he's a fucking liar
December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.
My apartment was starting to smell bad so I bought myself a candle. It just makes scents.
I asked a friend of mine who cheats on his spouse how he sleeps at night. He responded "With your wife, John"
DILN IS A BADDY HAHAHAHA
Why did the 80-year-old man call his dick Jesus? It takes 3 days for it to rise again.
Me: This painting really speaks to me. Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.
So, the KGB walks into a bar... ...and they start, uh... they... I, uh... I don't know. I didn't see *anything*; I swear!
Just told the Starbucks at the airport that my name was Ayatollah Bombface. Lol let's see wha
Holy lord, that sneeze felt so good I feel like I just cheated. I even named it Stan to further delude myself. I'm such a bad girl!
What does the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant? Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead annnnnntttttttt Courtesy of my little cousin.
Step On A Crack and Break Your Mother's Back... Smoke some crack and break your mother's heart.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!
"This is all your fault!" -Billionaire showing son his deed for all the land along the San Andreas Fault
"Eat the booty like groceries" -Albert Einstein
My editor told me I need to be more pithy, so I booked an appointment with a urologist.
Do you know why the people in ambulances are called paramedics? because there are two of them in the ambulance...it's a Pair O' Medics!!!
I used to own a nocturnal horse... She was a nightmare.
What did the 11 year old junior paleontologist and 50-cent music lover with cancer receive from the one wish foundation? A Rap Tour
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg? Nothing. They haven't met yet.
Harry Potter was on last night, i decided to click on the subtitles so i could watch the movie and read the book at the same time
What country has the most people? Brazil... They've got Brazillions
I got fired from my job at the sperm bank I said "Get a load of this guy," every time someone walked in.
What is a government mandate? When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Race jokes are all the same Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal!
Do you think my skin is starting to show its  age?" "I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles."
Two people are walking down the street...... One is a musician. The other doesnt have any money either.
What does a vampire on a diet drink? Blood Lite Thanks Jim Butcher...
Ever have a feeling like you've tasted that mustard before? That's called Dijon Vu.
How did David Bowie die? An American scared him to death.
What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two  longhorns? A bull pull!
What do Russian women get from their husbands that's long and hard on their wedding night? His last name.
People from the UK have been exercising more. They've lost a few pounds.
Two peanuts are hanging out with the wrong crowd... One was assaulted!
What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife? He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
What's does America and programming have in common? When you fix one problem, 38 more problems pop up.
The baby mouse ventures out of its lair and sees the world for the first time as a bat flies past.. The mouse rushes back into the lair screaming, "Mommy, I've just seen an Angel!".
When somebody said I could never be a ninja I replied, "Shurikan"
i was going to tell a unemployment joke....... but its not going to work
I gain a lot of calories when I go to nutrition class... because it's so damn dry.
Why didn't Donald Trump want to play Marco Polo? He was at Rubio's house and was worried he'd get Cruzed.
Steal your neighbors' garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men's rooms.
How many sycophants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many do you want?
What do you call a sink that doesn't work? A faux-cet.
A dead-beat Dad is on AskReddit... He opens a thread asking "Will my father ever love me?" He hides the child comments.
Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the other side.
Last night I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings. When I woke up my wife said I had been Tolkien in my sleep...
The only laid I'm getting... is laid off.
What did the black kid get for Christmas? My bike
"That wasn't chicken in the Chow Mein" I'd make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
What did M. Night Shyamalan say about a duck's penis? What a twist.
What has two holes and smells a lot? Your nose
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely but is best appreciated at a distance.
What did the figurine say when the boot flew past her protective dome? "That was a cloche call!"
What is Buddhism measured in? Oooohms
What did the pony say when it had a sore throat? Sorry I'm a little horse!
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
I like my coffee how I like my women warm
My ex girlfriend broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too much. But in the end it doesn't even matter.
Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.
Why do bunnies have soft sex? They have cotton balls.
Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a pair of curtains! Well that's more of a mental health issue, I'm not really qualified to help you.
What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?... Snow-balls.
At my daughter's dance recital. Wait. I don't have any kids. I'm leaving. These girls suck at ballet.
Corn mazes are a bit redundant.
Was told I can't use Wi-Fi at McDonald's unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
A friend of mine recently asked me what ballerina's wear... But I just couldn't put tu and tu together.
What book does ISIS use to enhance their sex life? Camel Sutra
What do you call a scientist that measures things in space? A cosmetrologist.
How do you know when a joke has gone too far? It's elected President.
A new study says that lesbians have more orgasms than straight people. Of course they do. Have you ever heard of a dildo premature ejaculating?
I was shocked to find out the girl I slept with last night was 16. She looked 12 to me...
Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get to the bar. Why the bar? To get to the toilet. Why the toilet? Because that's where all the cocks hang out.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.
My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, "Pull!"
A Good Lawyer Knows the Law A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.
Had to put my dog down today... I just didn't expect him to be so heavy!
"Out with the dead, in with the old." - Nursing homes
I tried to upload the superbowl to... Pornhub, but they dont accept rape.
Like it or not this joke is binary.
Hoe many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Swan.
Did you hear about the Antennas that got married? The wedding was lame, but the reception was great!
How Fat Was She!!! She was so fat I got done fucking her and rolled over twice, and I was still on the bitch.
A desert sorceress was eating a PB&amp;J in the Sahara when she was buried in a sandstorm A sand witch eating a sandwich was sandwiched by sand
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be an actor" Now I'm the only one laughing
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb... that way if I ever get fat, at least I'll have nice color.
If you eat the prize from a cereal box.. does that make you a specially marked box? source: soos says some words
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion! And a ban from the cincinnati zoo
This census and Tax stuff is crap. I want to live in a country that doesn't assign homework.
Doctor, the suppositories you prescribed for me are horribly bitter! -- Have you been ... eating them? -- No, I've been shoving them up my ass!
Just saw a French footballer playing Nintendo Think it was Thierry on Wii
I was playing a game of solitaire, but I only had a pack of Tarot cards I actually won, but 4 people died
Poop Patties What did the fry cook do when he found out they were making the burger patties with feces? He flipped a shit.
ME: I can't find my sandals WIFE: did you look everywhere? ME: yes WIFE: even down ME: yes even dowI did not put those on
I take for granite people's poor grammar. More pacifically, how there always thinking "for all intensive purposes" is supposably correct.
everyday im faced w/ a choice b/w good & evil. i try to be good but why woud i ever choose MIRACLE whip when i can hav a HELL MANS MAYONAISE
I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.
I painted my computer black so it would run faster Now it doesn't work. Edit: Should I have tagged this with something? New to posting here
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?Never lick the spoon.
My girlfriend said she was in such a foul mood. So I took her to KFC
How is cat food sold ? Usually purr can !
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I'll look even worse.
Why did the chicken cross the road? ... To get to your house. Knock Knock *Who's there?* The chicken!
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.
The past, the present and the future had a meeting. It was tense in there.
My penis is so big... the only relationships I can have are long distance
"I have an unsolicited opinion on that!" --Every douche blanket on Twitter.
News flash: Chapters truck caught speeding Police reported, "It was really booking it!"
IRISH EATS ITALIAN Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? A: Gaelic breath.
Why did the Canadian DJ turn down a gig at a local gym? Because why MC, eh?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said "I love you." He didn't even die. Killing people with kindness is hard.
A mean mathematician is just an average guy.
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It doesn't matter they don't have any power.
Have you heard the joke about my penis? Nevermind, no one ever gets it.
I opened a company selling prayer mats with land mines in them.. Prophets are going through the roof!
Every day, my face wakes up 3-4 hours after the rest of me.
What did the koala bear say to the barber? You ca-lip this?
[vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing
Two guys and a girl walk into a bar The next guy ducks ^^^^^ba-dum-tss
Why was the calf afraid? He was a cow-herd!
If I work as a janitor at an office, does that mean that every time I change a lightbulb I climb the corporate ladder?
What Happens When You Put 1 Dollar On A Barbeque? Dolla Grills, Yo
*Police bust through door* -QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR -WAIT, WHY!? -I DON'T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
bucket: a dirty limerick A horny young Scout, with a bucket, Caught a goose and proceeded to fuck it Far too roughly (it died), Took it home, had it fried, Cause he thought it'd wasteful to chuck it.
What do women and KFC have in common? After your finished with the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.
What do Americans call the summer holidays? Ceasefire
A jewish Santa enters an house and asks... "OK kids, what do you want to buy ?"
What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar? About 500 calories.
When a tramp, covered in his own piss shouts at you, you don't take it personally. So why are you ever offended by idiots on Twitter?
Jesus went into an inn. He handed the innkeeper 3 nails and asked, "Can you put me up for the night?"
ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
Why a woman doesn't make sense to a man... Actually they make 77 cents to a man.
An emo kid, a Jew, a Mexican, and a black guy jump off a building, who wins? Society
Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day... Teach a man to fish, he sits out on the lake drinking beer all summer
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowlady? Snowballs!
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Why can't women explain feminism to men? Because they need a man to do it for them
A drunk stumbles out of the bar, sees a nun on the sidewalk and pops her one right in the nose... while she's on the ground crying, he says,"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
"Shoot it down." "But, Mr. Putin... it's clearly a sleigh... pulled by Reindeer." "Shoot. It. Down."
A somewhat amusing joke Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had LOCOmotives
LPT: Don't let a doctor examine you without clothes on Make him put his clothes on
Ovulation jokes aren't funny. Period.
*feels painful possible cavity* *eats chocolate to feel better*
What do you call an upside down blonde? A brunette with bad breath
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I'm a mean cat
What did all the creepy people do before the Internet?
I don't hate bread I loaf it 
An honest weatherman says "Today's  forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."
NO one Loves me .... No one hates me Forveralone
What's ET short for? Because he's got little legs.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ?  'Here Kitty kitty kitty' !
What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common? They both thought "my mom's gonna kill me."
How many knees could a negro grow if a negro could grow knees?
Wanted to write a funny chemistry joke... all the good ones Argon.
Lots of world leaders coming to DC. I hope Obama's Nuclear Summit goes well. Bush's Nucular Monster Truck Rally is a hard act to follow.
I don't get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There's never any left when he comes home. Idiot.
Why should you never watch a video with a  Chihuahua? It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.
What do you call a reptile that can't grow its tail back? (_) ( _)&gt;- (_) A Reptile Dysfunction.
Why did Adele cross the road? Because she wanted to
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? **ONLY ONE** But the light bulb has to want to change.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, "That's her. She's the one" And not follow it with "who ate cake out of the garbage"
Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York city? That's because you don't live in New York City
What did the black eyed peas say when they left the dentist? "I got a filling, woo-hoo!"
[White House] Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS? *Biden excitedly raises hand* Besides assembling the Avengers. *Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
To all those people that have ever talked about me behind my back... You discussed me.
A man started a business in Afghanistan. He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. "It's going well," he said. "Prophets are going through the roof."
how does it make you feel that your left hand has never touched your left elbow and your right hand has never touched your right elbow
"Say no to Lindsay Lohan" - Drugs
My friend was going to Ethiopia, so I asked him "Have you ever had Ethiopian food?" "No, sadly" "That's ok, neither have they"
*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman* I know it's only been 10 minutes but I'm gonna take a poop ok?
What does a pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but not eat it. Yes I know it's a repost. What did you expect, a new original joke every time? Now that's a joke.
I was redditing while on the toilet when... I almost dropped my phone..... literally scared the shit out of me
What did my wife say after I finally got around to trimming my pubic hair? Wow, that's pretty nuts.
What did the cop say to Boris Yosanavich after pulling him over for speeding? Quit Russian.
Q.How do we know there are so many environmentalists on reddit? A. Because everyone keep recycling the same jokes
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
Q: How many programmers does it take to  screw in a light bulb?  A: None that's a hardware problem.
I've been watching so much porn lately that... I spit on my hot-dog before I put it on my bun...
My friend said he was worried he had HIV. I said think about the positives.
How do you fix a woman's watch? Why should you? There's a clock on the oven.
What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah Bless
I've never seen a nudist I wanted to see naked.
If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile Would it be called Alien vs Predator? Edit:I honestly was unaware that this joke had been done before. Not a big robot chicken fan. My bad
What do you say when you cross a donkey and a deer? Dat ass doe
You were a still born baby.. Mother didn't want you but you were still born.
Do you know why the Easter Bunny hides his eggs? Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's been FUCKING CHICKENS!!!
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!
If this song were a fish, it'd be a Tuuunna Fish Back me up here guys...I don't think this is a funny joke, but the person who said it is so sure it's hilarious
Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister. It tastes the same but it's still wrong.
A man with a sheep A man goes home with a sheep under his arm and says "this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife says " that's not a pig, that's a sheep." The man says "I wasn't talking to you."
Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair... ... What happens next will shock you"
i made a joke about /r/jokes mods [Removed]
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
What did Donald Trump say to his wife Melania in the voting booth? Don't copy Michelle on this one.
So there's this guy that yawns a lot........ YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNN
Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? Cause if you dragged them by the feet, they'd fill up with dirt.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
What does Fabrizio like to put on his sandwiches? Mustardo!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
The Allman Brothers couldn't have a woman in the band for two reasons:
Put the punchline in the title What's the best way to ruin a joke?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Hey yoda... Are we in the right way? -Off course we are. -All right. KEEP GOING IN THIS WAY.
What's an alcoholic's favorite type of soap? Bar soap.
The other day I walked up to a homeless person. 'Knock knock' 'Who's there' 'I thought you were homeless!'
19 and 20 got in a fight... 21
If you smell burnt toast, you may be having a stroke... But if you also smell bacon then you're probably having breakfast.
50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies... Well first it tied them, then it beat them.
If you build a person a fire, they'll be warm for a day. Set them on fire & they'll never worry about being warm again.
Hell yes, I'll be at the stores at 4 am. I'm not going to buy anything, I just like punching people.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
How do you organise a party in space? You planet.
Are you an infidel? 'Cause i beheaden' your way.
"Can someone call me a doctor?!" You're a doctor. "Please I'm losing my patience!" You're a terrible doctor.
What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer
People say that money is not the key to happiness... ...but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers
Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street and pass a playground, some little boy catches the Priest eye, and he tells his friend, "Man I'd like to fuck him." Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"
I changed my mind Wife: I changed my mind... Husband: Does the new one work?
I slept with an acrobat once. She was lousy in bed. It was like Cirque de So-So lay.
A beggar asked me if I had any pennies and so i unzipped myself and showed him my dick
Why did the Otter collect parts for his spaceship? So he could go to otter space.
What do the Chinese call their spies? Secret Asians.
What did the prostitute say to the leper? Thanks for the tip.
A recent study shows 9 out of 10 men admit their wife is always right. Since the study 1 man has still not been able to be found.
Careful girls... fat guys just want to get into your pantries.
A joke from my old physics professor.. How Long is a battleship. True or false? False. How Long is a man from China.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be
Went to my friend's house for a night of drinking... ...crashed on the couch. I was awoken in the middle of the night by my friend blowing chunks. Chunks is the family dog
[unbowed unbent unbroken] the name of the episode should be changed. Because Sansa was definitely bowed bent and broken
Why did the redneck cross the road His dick was stuck in the chicken
Tony Stewart's new sponsor. Dodge picked him up for their truck line. The new slogan is "If you can't Dodge it, Ram it."
Why did the blonde...... Why did the blonde fuck the mexican? Because the teacher told her to do an ese'!
"Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me." [whole room] "AFTER ME" "Ok fellas, lets start here"
I am 48 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. am i too old to be a dad?
What's Bill Cosby's favourite dessert? Puddin. Puddin his dick inside her
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame unique rabbit? Tame thing.... You unique up on him too.
To all /r/Jokes subs you really need the A
The thing about reverse psychology is that everybody gives you downvotes...
"This bouquet is missing some flowers" I said lackadaisically.
best Attitude to follow in Life Imagine that you are already dead. This way, whatever u get in life is always a profit for u.
My jokes are like space trash... They never land.
What's the difference between fishing and dating? In one you don't want to jerk the hook, but in the other you don't want to hook the jerk.
Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Harry S. Truman walks into a sushi bar and orders a Nagasake bomb.
My mum says I need to get rid of my blow up sex doll. I don't want to let her down.
15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Don't die Kevin Bacon!!
I found a message in a bottle. It said: "The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago."
Saved a little girl from getting raped this weekend I raped a little boy instead
I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
What do snowmen eat for lunch ? Icebergers !
I hope that one day I am as fearless as a New York City Pigeon.
DOUBLE VISION Breasts are proof that men can concentrate on 2 things at once
My parents were shot and killed in an alley feelsbatman
On this pesticide spray it says, "Keep away from children." Fuck, they knew I was coming.
Hosted a mass debate party last night. I was the only one who came.
What does a black lawyer deliver in court? Nigga' pleas
What do you call a nursing bear? A titty bear.
I used to date a dysexic woman... ... I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
[Dirty Joke] A pig fell in mud. An even dirtier joke: Two pigs fell in mud.
No one knows what the singer Sia looks like... Hopefully we will Sia Later.
What evil do the USA and Darth Vader have in common? Using imperial units.
What was the pornstar doing in school? Analogy
What do you call a pool full of details? The specific ocean.
My favorite here lately.... Helen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table. And then a chair....
What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That's just what I heard.
The Rock just announced he's having a baby girl... I bet he names her Marble.
I lost 7 followers today. It's nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.
How do you measure a great misunderstanding? In kiloWats
A doctor enters a patients room and pulls out an anal thermometer from his pocket and says Damn. Some asshole has my pen.
Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away....the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum
My friend really likes to have sex with people. I guess it's the teenage whoremones.
If I had a nickel for every time I got distracted... I'm in the mood for some ice cream.
An Neutron Walks Into a Bar He asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
I recently participated in an erection contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well. Let's just say there was some stiff competition.
I heard Missouri is having some great Black Friday sales this year... 100% off everything.
[bursts into garage] "why is your car still on? you've been in here for 3 days" i'm trying to kill myself "but you drive an electric car"
What did the cannibal get when he arrived late for dinner? The cold shoulder!
If a family's last name is Smear, do the kids call their grandpa Pap Smear?
Me on New Year's Day: 2016 is so going to be my year! (Morgan Freeman narration): 2016 would not, in fact, be anyone's year.
What does a Chinese gay man have for dinner? Goo of Sum Yung Gai
How come there are like a thousand songs about Christmas but only one song about the boys being back in town? This is not original
I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.
What does a man keep in his pants that often pokes the hole it's poked before? His keys, you filthy-minded bastard.
What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning? Well it's back to the old grind!
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
What do you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster? A Nobel Prize
Lot's Wife We've all heard the story. No one can blame her if she felt any resentment. Some say, after all these years, she's still pretty salty about it.
What do you use to clear the air of stupid? A HERPA filter
What's the best way to get a Jewish girls number? Roll up her sleeve.
*caches football thrown from off screen* "Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
What do you call a Mexican who has his Mondeo stolen? Carlos
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, real men aren't afraid of the dark
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today: Me: What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye? Him: I give up Me: A terrorst
Why is divorce so expensive? Its worth it!
I must be an odd one Because I can't even
I just explained Google to my Granny. "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked. "Except that." I replied.
Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.
another vampire joke for you guys. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "see you next month."
A man's wife died and he called wife's parents many times after some time Mother in Law: Stop calling. How many times we need to tell you that she died? Man: It pleases me to listen that she died.
What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like "I tried to stab my friend" & his opponents are like "no you didn't."
A student is the only one in the school who can take retests... They say he is remarkable.
A duck walks into a pharmacy and buys some chapstick. He says to the cashier "put it on my bill".
Elephant in sneakers Why does an elephant wear sneakers? So that he can sneak up on mice!
I wonder. Was the Terminator not always... arniemated?
Has anyone here seen the Matthew McConaughey movie where he keeps getting grouchy in the early evenings and no one can figure out why...? Failure to Lunch?
Q: Why do you look out the window in the morning? A: Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.
How can you tell when a girl is vegan? She'll tell you
What is worse than a whale with a sore tooth? Going to kiss your grandmother goodnight and she slips you the tongue.
[knock at door] Cop: open up, it's the police Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I'm not here Cop: are you in Estonia? Me: I am. I'm in Estonia
Since I live my financial life under water I decided to put a "Beware of sharks" sign in my front yard.
Whose excercises will ensure that you will never win a fitness award? Leonardo Di Cardio
A good pun is like a good steak A medium rare well done.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don't have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying. "If you build it...they will come"?
There was an explosion at my favorite restaurant last night. News reports say that someone ordered the "chicken a la Hu-akbar."
What's the difference.... Between eating pussy and driving in the fog? When you're driving in the fog you can't see the asshole in front of you
Egyptian alcoholics are the hardest to talk to..... They are always in denial.
I enjoy April Fool's Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with "no wonder you've been looking chubby".
After the election, everyone wonders why people voted for Trump. The French know the answer 'Ils se sont trumpe' (I was wrong = je me suis trompe)
I met a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds funny Dozen tit?
Why does Santa have an enormous sack? He only comes once a year.
I'm afraid of Spotify ruining music the way Facebook ruined friends.
An actor was fired from a movie for being a cocaine addict. He kept blowing his lines.
Why can't America play chess? Because it's missing two towers.
Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
Tell y'all what I know about dwarfs.. Very little.
Next on a SPOOKY Friends: Ross invites new girl to Halloween party but Rachel shows up! WITCH one will he choose? Phoebe dies of dysentery.
I went to the doctor and told him I thought I might be a kleptomaniac. He said, "Here, take these pills." So I took them.
I like my women like, I like my coffee Illegally imported from an exotic location, and purchased amorally like a commodity.
Have you guys heard of the movie constipation? No, that's because it hasn't come out yet.
And the Oscar goes to... Prison.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt. :)
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
What do you call a guy who likes to lose? Ewan
9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK? my face: *look of horror* 9: firetruck! What else? me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*
Who's the nicest player in the NFL? Drew Brees. The guy's a saint.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Everything brightened up when you came into our presence. - Food in my refrigerator.
I was considering posting a joke that nobody had heard of, but I realized that it is actually pretty likely that... ...you already have reddit.
Oh, man! It really smells like upfoo in here!
A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear... ...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.
Why does Santa have a big sack? He only comes once a year. Why does he only come once a year? He only goes to see children once a year.
[First date] okay just dont let her know you're a trump supporter Her: so what kinda wine should I get Me: haha white is always the best
A Japanese man wished to join the knights of England. The recruitment official turned him away, however, stating that there can not be any chinks in their knights' armor.
DAD: What happened to your car? SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now
What's the difference between a pre-pickled pickle and an ice tray full of semen? One of them is a cucumber and the other is a cumcuber.
Dating a redneck The only thing worse than the friend zone is the family zone. But when a redneck says she loves you like a brother, its go time.
President George W. Bush was once informed that 4 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. He responded, "How many is a brazilian?"
All i'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Coffee so strong, you finish the "to do" list, that you haven't even written yet.
What's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis
Have you heard about Trumps plan for Mexicans [Removed]
Have you ever heard of movie Constipation? No?? Because it still hasn't come out yet.
What did Snape say at Alan Rickmans funeral? Nothing.
Why did the chicken cross the road today? To get away from all the assholes making Prince jokes.
I asked my local store why they don't round the 99 cent price tags to a dollar They said that there's no cents in the change
Wanna hear a joke...? Youtube ToS.
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
I don't see what's wrong with gay marriage It eliminates the worst part of a relationship
Spanish joke... Un pez dijo al otro pez, "Que hace tu padre?" Nada
Did you hear the watermelon joke? It's pitful.
What could possibly make moviegoers forget about Will Smith's movie After Earth? A Concussion.
How do you make a gay fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
A dyslexic Sanders supporter was kicked out of the botanical gardens He kept trying to peel the ferns.
I had long suspected a rival robot lumberjack of stealing my wood So I checked its log files.
Male porn stars are some of the hardest workers.
Instead of "single" as a marital status, it should read "independently owned and operated"
Have you ever gotten shampoo in your mouth while singing in the shower? Turns into a real Soap Opera.
I find it quite easy to relate to mushrooms I'm also a fun guy
What do you call a flea on the moon? A lunartick.
I like my violence like I like my beer.. Domestic.
I'd like to commit suicide to get rid of my indecisiveness but I don't wanna jump into conclusions.
A lot of people make a big deal about age differences in couples. As far as I'm concerned a girl is fair game as soon as she's finished school. So usually at about 3:15
So my friend asks me if I like the genre Metal... I told him that I don't know what a genre is, but I do like copper and steel.
Why don't black people get on cruises anymore? They aren't falling for that one again.
What's the difference between pedophile and acne? Acne waits till puberty to come all over the kids face
Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.
I can't understand why the Nike store's "vodka drinking couch pants" are labeled "yoga pants".
You've got to hand it to midgets Because they cant reach it themselves
How do you kill a fox? Cut off one leg and drag it across Canada.
What is a knight's favourite fish? A swordfish!
Staying Positive Who needs anti depressants when you have a Van Der Graaf Generator
The US Government
It's sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it'll be another 2-5 years before they're single and ready to hang out again.
You mean "apps" isn't short for "appetizers"? Why did I buy this smart phone if it can't download nachos?
"Rapunzel! Let down your hair!" RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream? HAIR: Yeah! RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we're not.
Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
I really hate it when People punchup the fuckline
I ate two pieces of string and they came out tyed together. I shit you knot.
Dude you're like my fridge... Super cool. (Best used when a friend is bragging about themselves)
What's black on the outside but yellow on the inside? Ninja chicken.
My girlfriend's kisses are so sweet that I probably have type 2 diabetes.
What do you call the musical Messiah? Gsus
What kind of dogs are full of Chinese scientists? Yellow labs
*uses Oujia board* SMELLS LIKE UPDOG me: what's updog? NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT me: what cat: what
So a Croatian walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serb your kind!"
My friend recently bought a home near me at a local skimming pond It's only a stones throw away.
When someone at work asks you what you're doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: I love you Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril Me: that is also true
take your time pedestrians we're not dreaming of mowing you down at all
What's the difference between a motivational speaker and a baseball player? The baseball player has all of its limbs.
What do The Walking Dead and the Fast and Furious series have in common? They both have dead walkers.
If you need an ark built... I Noah guy
What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?
Free air! (Help yourself.)
Grammar joke I told my girlfriend "sweetie, I want you beside me, in front of me,behind me, on top of me, under me, and to the left and right of me" she said "Honey, are you prepositioning me?"
What do you call a quantum physicist's hair style? Schrodinger's cut
I got caught in a weird routine of masturbation... When I discovered my fetish for wrist pain.
Muhabbetin hasn Geekyapar! Can Sungur buralarn tek adimini mi?
So many girls look so cute and pretty when they cry then there's me where i look like a dying horse
Pitbull is probably always the first person to hit "Will Attend" on a party evite.
What do you call a horny herbaceous bread mixture? Dill dough
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it's called Kansas.
How are genders like the twin towers? There used to be two of them but now everyone gets offended if you talk about it.
What does a Necrophiliac get at funerals? Mourning Wood
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? He uses the finest ingredients.
I'm unsure whether I like my beard. But it's growing on me.
(sure hope reddit doesn't hate racist jokes) What's the difference between a Jew and a dollar? I'd miss six million dollars!
What is an Iraqi children on a playground doing? He's distracting the sniper. Didn't want to offend.
I lived in Chinatown for a while. My Chinese friends always played jokes on me. ..I'm so tired of pee-pee in my Coke! It tastes horrible!
what's the difference between light and hard? You can Sleep with a light on
"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
The best jokes are the ones that cause the audience to groan. So I suppose the best of the best cause constipation.
I hate it when my girlfriend tells me she's about to come I have shitty cellphone reception.
I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house... I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do.
What do pessimists and electrons have in common There both always negative.
What's the Wifi password in a mosque? AllahIsTheOne2345
Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he was a fungi!
Happy Independence Day Except For Slaves Day!
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. Jk. Rowling. Sorry if repost, I just saw it on my Facebook and laughed really hard.
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers!
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers.
As a girl who lifts weights at the gym... I experience a lot of flexual tension
Say what you will about grammar nazis At least they aren't anti-semantic.
Friend: just be yourself. Me: Be myself? Be myself?! Some of the most successful people I know aren't myself. That's horrible advice
*tosses banana peel out the window during a police chase*
Why did the hipster cross the road? To get to a place you've probably never heard of.
April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring? PILGRIMS.
I've got a funny knock knock joke, but you have to start.
What's the difference between Turkey and Duck? Duck doesn't deny the Armenian Genocide.
A forgetful guy walks into a bar... ..Hm?. Oh shit,I've forgotten it!.
I really enjoy banging Asian babes, but.... every time I look down to check out the action, my dick is pixelated!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts!
I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says "That's it. I'm done protecting the eye. I'm going in to destroy it now"
Anne has a will.. Anne has a way.. Anne Hathaway.
When Princess Leia doesn't want to have Sex... Han reply: It's fine I'll do it with my hand... solo.
Have you heard the story about the suicide bomber? I haven't but I heard it is BLOWING up
Three bloody tampons are walking down the street. Which one talks to you first? None of them because they are stuck up cunts.
The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.
*petting a dog* So how long have you been blind, officer? *gets arrested*
Anesthesiologists are so boring. They put me to sleep.
why do elephants paint their toe nails red? to hide in cherry trees. have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? works doesn't it
What is the last thing to go through a sea gull's mind when it gets hit by a jumbo jet? It's ass.
English Folk Customs by Morris Dancer
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives? America.
I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over... I watched the video from "The Ring" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
What do you call a bowl on the internet? Ebola
To the question What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative.
Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally... Because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for all your problems.
What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken
A Red Indian introduced me to his wife... "This is four horses....." I said, Wow, that's a beautiful name, What does it mean....?" He said, nag,nag,nag,nag!
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
What kind of headphones did Chris Brown get Rihanna for her birthday? Beats
No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy."
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.
I was on diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days How many of you know this funny man pakalu papito ? Its one of his joke.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Im on the verge of starting my passion, a childrens sporting goods store Little Dicks
TIFU by taking a shower. I wonder if they've noticed it's missing yet?
Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
How does one call a female COCK-roach? A henroach. No pussy joke here, you dirty pervert.
What does a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common? Someone's losing a trailer.
What is a pirates favorite letter? You may think it's R but it actually be the mighty C
Chainsaws: because "The Texas Weed-whacker Massacre" just wasn't scary enough
Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???
The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results or page 1 of Bing.
The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year's "no murder" resolution.
I tell my wife we are broke so we don't end up broke.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September people say "Wow is it Halloween already?"
My girlfriend is like my car... Stolen property
As a bootleg vet, I get asked to turn cats into dogs it's a ruff job.
I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school. It's called Crossfit
Why couldn't the American leave Russia? He was snowden
I bet Metallica gets really upset whenever they walk through a metal detector and it doesn't go off.
Why did the optimistic Chinese guy wish he had multiple personality disorder? He wanted to be the Changs he wanted to see in the world.
Why has the Malaysian Government banned Cheese Boards? Because people keep reporting they've found de brie.
What do you call a girl gamer that always pirates her games?? A crack whore.
The Katy Perry song that goes, "You're hot and you're cold," was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I just used a Saddam Hussein jelly mould.... I think I've set a dangerous president.
I was at a femminist meeting last week... they asked me "How do you see lesbian relationships?" I said in HD. They didn't like it...
QA Manager: And what is the protocol when an aircraft comes inbound with a suspected Ebola case? "WTF. Planes can catch this shit too?"
There was a blackout in the streets of Houston yesterday... Don't worry, the police have everything under control..... they shot him.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don't wanna die
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. 
I was going to invest in the Microsoft HoloLens but... ...Their projections weren't very good.
How does a Rabbi make tea? Hebrews it.
A fellow worker just sent an all office memo: "Has anyone seen my screwdriver? I really need my screwdriver!" I wrote back: "Meet me at the tool bar. I'll buy you a double."
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today...
I figured I'd just think of a punch line and then try to make a joke out of it. What did the comedian say when asked how he came up with his last joke?
What do you call a group of men in a flying car having unsatisfying sexual intercourse with a single woman because they feel sorry for her? A shitty pity gangbang.
What is the difference between a bachelorette party and Cirque du Soleil? One is a group of cunning stunts.
Why do women like Ryan Gosling? Because he is always Gosling around..... A co-worker snickered so I figued share.
What does a virgin woman and a shotgun have In common? One cock and they're ready to burst. EDIT: grammar, thanks /u/J7T12
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs ? Stephen Hawking's after a house fire
What did the spice say when it was reaching climax? I'm Cumin!
"You know how I realized I had such a great butt?" Because every time I would walk away after meeting a group of ladies I could hear them say, " what an ass"
What's the difference between a carpenter and a construction worker? 30 IQ points. This, as any carpenter will tell you, isn't a joke.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? To find a tight seal
What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?  "Hi Buster."
Why do chemists love bad jokes? Their jobs get a lot easier when there are no reactions
It would be a fun surprise if Jay-Z said he finished laying down some tracks and when you went outside there was a railroad.
i asked my trainer which machine at the gym i should use to impress the girls... he pointed outside and said " the ATM machine" i had 15$'s left though..
In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.
A man went onto a train with a banana and a suitcase.... He arrived at his destination safely.
Why are Jewish men Circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off
What do baby parabola drink? Their Quadratic Formula!
What does batman call his dick? Robin/Nightwing - depends how big it is
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.
Baptists Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? Because people might think they're dancing.
What do you with a dying chemist? Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, all you can do is barium!
Girl1: Why are you so happy? Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"
I like my women how I like my coffee Cold
Maybe I'll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats. "NO!" *Shoots person in face*
What did the Hispanic firefighter name his kids? Jose and Hose-B
*bullies advance* STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu! <laughter> *detectives arrive* Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?
Briefly explain 'hard water' ice
The most determined look I've ever seen on a human being is the airline passenger trying to fit a large suitcase in a small overhead bin.
Study Abroad I participated in a study abroad program in college but I got kicked out for studying more than one.
Is that a noose necklace? That's knot cool.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool..
I have qualities of both Albert Einstein and Arnold Schwarzenegger Body of Einstein, brain of Schwarzenegger
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.
Why is a room of 50 doctors safer than a room with 1000 doctors? You can't survive in 1000 degrees. *credit to my friend Neriah.
On my birthday, my family tried to surprise me with a car But they missed.
Me and my girlfriend are just too different... I exist and she doesn't
A priest, blonde, jew, black guy, chinese guy, and a gay guy walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"
It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive.. Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
People who live in glass houses Should pull the blinds before removing their trousers.
So the Zika virus causes tiny brains huh? Something something something Congress something something Donald Trump.
How do you make soup golden? You add 24 carrots.
My dog ate itself I think he's Asian
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red? A: Because it saw the other one changing!
I was going to say a StarFox joke But they were all too Corneria
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar... And it was tense.
Why did ISIS stop looting viagra? The goats all died.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door My plumber has a funny sense of humour
People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.
As a gamer, who experiences little to no drama, I'm always so confused about this game referendum. They're not playing video games, they're playing drama, the game. I hear it got bad reviews.
'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house.
What did the doctor say to the man wearing cling-film? I can clearly see you're nuts
When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say? "Hold on, let me get my bear rings."
Why did the jewish boy's ghost costume only have one eye hole? His dad didn't want to buy him a new sheet.
I don't care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you've GOT to make a choice.
Live tweeting from Sunday Mass! We're sitting. Now standing. Sitting. Sorry, should've been kneeling. Shit, that was embarrassing.
Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick
I'm at my most vulnerable when I'm trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My Wife told me to treat her like a princess So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel
[hears baby crying in the next room] "It's ok, I'll go." [gets in car & goes to a motel]
Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it **soots** him. Credit: Curious: The Tourist Guide
Such a sad day - a friend of mine died of heartburn Still can't believe Gaviscon
What did the judge say when the defendant cause a ruckus in vegetable court? Bay leaf get him out if here!
What do David Carradine and the Mets have in common? They both choke when it really matters.
What did the right ball say to the left ball? Dont talk to the guy in the middle he's a dick
The current law system is like bleach It works great on whites... but destroys colors.
pirate jokes eh? How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? a buccaneer
When I play poker, it turns out a lot like when I poop when there's no toilet paper... I get shit hands
I'm not saying she's a slut but she did get fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.
Pedophiles are every boy's role model when it comes to dating Because they know how to pick up little girls
How bad is my career? I met a homeless guy on the beach in Los Angeles & thought "Wow this guy has it made"
Were you on Baywatch? Cause I've been watching you... bae.. More of a creepy line.
Why are dog boners so classy? Because their pinkie is out ^gross
[cash4gold] Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] "How much is this worth?" "It's 25 carats..." [8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
What did one math book say to the other math book? You've got problems.
I'm not a competitive person... I'll be the first to admit it.
I was in a tornado. It sucked.
-Here_is=ajoke/for=people/good_at-reading_between|the\lines_
Opinions are like orgasms... Mine is more important, and I don't really care if you have one.
My oldest approached me today, and told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, "Hang in there, son," and pointed to the spare room.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
How To Be Cool A) Use cool sunglasses emoji. B)
I'm like a trampoline... My friends know i exist, but they never play with me
I went to get a haircut today... ...but I couldn't remember what I wanted off the top of my head, so I left.
I like my women how i like my Little Ceasars Pizza... Hot and Ready for only $5.
What's one of the worst things you can come across when surfing the web? Your keyboard
Q: Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread? A: Because he tried to get fresh.
So apparently "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my real dad!" isn't of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Instead of "Juicy" I have "May contain gas" written on the back of my shorts.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
"wow these chicken wings are SPICY" i say aloud to no one, the world ended years ago. i'm not even eating wings. even the sun has gone
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13
My Girlfriend is quite the fox... She eats out of the garbage at night.
WTF!!!! My son just called me the N-word!! Neglectful
The plus sign could not stop taking cocaine. I guess you could say he was add-icted
A woman was masturbating furiously on the subway The police were going to arrest her, but she got off.
There's Gold in them teeth! - Prospector in a rap studio
what did the grape say when it got stepped on? nothing, it just let out a little whine
Why did the boy take the ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he slept.
fire the chauffeur! Wife: "I'm gonna fire our chauffeur!!! He's such a pathetic driver, this is the third time he almost got me killed...." Husband: "Dear, lets give him another chance."
Friend: You know that country song that goes- Me: No.
Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire? Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!
In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?
What's the difference between a musician and a suicide bomber? A musician wears his heart on his sleeve. A suicide bomber wears his spleen on your shoes.
Why Did The Cows Go To Graze In The Marijuana Fields? It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back...
How do you know you're getting aid's From the pounding sensation in your ass.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his mother in the jaw.
I used to be a banker... But I lost interest in the job
Why did the football coach go to Aldi? To get his quarter back!
Who is Soulja Boy's favorite person ever? ..........YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!
The Coal Industry... ... has come under fire lately.
Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.
How do you keep a redditor in suspense? [removed]
Im using free internet because my neighbor did not protect his wifi via password.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows *gingerly taps banana*
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The 'p' is silent
I feel bad for Pedophiles They have such a hard time fitting in. (NSFW with imagination)
Good, good, good, if it isn't that guy who isn't very well at grammar
I talk a lot. Your happiness will depend on your ability to figure out what matters and what doesn't. Good luck. - Women
Anyone know of an escort service that offers an affordable bj? My hatchback has been harder to stop lately.
What do hippies call there sex life before they get married? Prius
DJ Khaled must be asian.... all he does is nguyen.
4yo: When you're 9, you can drive Me: Pretty sure you have to be older 4yo: Some people can drive at 9 Me: A little older 4yo: Ya, it's 9
What do you call a gay Mexican? a spigot.
There were two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Wow, it's really hot in here!" The other says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot A carrot
Today I was reversing my car off the drive... ... and I thought "Ahh, this takes me back."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is a hardware problem.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and nine other types of people.
What did the otter say to the guy whose ankle he pooped on? "Spraint your ankle!" Just in case: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spraint
How do birds kiss? They give a peck to the cheek.
Why did Fred Durst sleep with Princess Leia? He did it all for the Wookie, yeah!
Who burns their own city down? The people of Ferguson.
*to commander* Don't say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant *conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*
My wife was so sick this morning... that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Knockknock, who's there? It's Harry. Thankyou, Knockknock
What do you call a blonde with brown hair? artificial intelligence
Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you're going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.
Knock-Knock, Whose There? "Peephole salesman!"
Knock knock joke I came up with over Christmas Knock knock Who's there? Would you like to talk about Jesus?
Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in apple trees. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A giraffe eating apples.
A guy walks into a bar.... ouch
speed dating I'm looking for a girl with fire in her eyes. Her: Hi. My name is Carrie.
Looking for new roommates on Craigslist... ...is it too anal to ask whether or not they're into it?
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs inside a volcano? Anakin Skywalker. (Happy Geek Pride Day!)
What will Putin have for thanksgiving dinner? Turkey
I don't understand why Taylor Swift has removed all of her music from streaming services You can stream Taylor Swift anytime you want just by turning on the radio
What do you get when you push a piano down a mining shaft? A flat minor.
Dear Sharks: You may get your own week on TV, but house cats get their own eternity on the internet.
A man's got to know his limitations. Unless he's in a relationship, then he'll be constantly reminded.
I've just achieved a week and counting without Reddit! I just had to tell you guys of my accomplishment!
Your love life
Doctor Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ? I never make rash promises !
What do you call a Mexican lady with no legs? Cunt-sway-low
That awkward moment when the Priest uses YOUR confession as the theme for his sermon. Again.
The problem with driving a Yugo... ... is that the Czech engine light is always on.
I'm always a little disappointed when I walk away from my car and it doesn't explode after I press the lock button.
Did you hear about the steak that had too much sodium put on it? It was assalted
Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working.
If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate my rooster's feet, what would we have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
Khal Drogo Weighs in on Episode Leaks by Filmkritter on DeviantArt #OC
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
WE WOULD BE RICH IF YOU SAID JUST ONE DAMN WORD! -drunken me to my dog
Relationship status  bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.
I don't see why we're worried about running out of resources. I mean, how many people can there be in the world? Like a million?
Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver I only abuse it when I'm drinking
Why couldn't the teddy bear smell? Because his nose was stuffed
Q: What do they use frozen band-aids for? A: Cold cuts.
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.
In a recent blind taste test, a bunch of shit got spilled all over the place.
The difference between a seesaw and a catapult? An overweight friend.
What does a vegetarian hunter say before dinner? "Lettuce prey"
What is it called when a guy called Justin gets justice? Justinice.
Why did Obama serve two terms? Because blacks always get a longer sentence
my mum didn't know I could make a car out of spaghetti. That was until I drove pasta
What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose? Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love? Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!
Why are ISIS so safety conscientious and choose to use donkeys instead of vehicles for transportation? vehicle tail pipes will burn your ass bad
119 years ago today a Canadian cargo vessel sank off the coast of New York, her cargo 50,000 cases of mayonnaise. And that's why we celebrate Sinko de Mayo
Got bad news today. Doctor says I have Nimitz Disease. But don't worry. I'm just a carrier.
Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her. I need a life.
Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.
My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."
This joke is a repost [removed]
why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing her seat-belt. Stay safe tonight everyone!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Algy ! Algy who ! Algy-bra !
I'm trying to be more daring. Like I'm not smoking crack or stripping, but I diiiiiid just eat an unwashed strawberry so...
Why did the climate scientist cross the road? To analyze the chicken s carbon footprint.
A wise man once said... Man who fish in other mans well catch many crabs.
If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies He'll be rolling in his grave
I hear that the Feds raided Pfizer this morning For harboring a "weapon of mass erection"
As told to me by my dad who smokes a lot Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.
My wife tried on a dress, it did not fit. She bought a cake out of frustration. IT FIT.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair. I ate it. Then looked for more.
"Get your fax straight!" - a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY  who says you can only lose it once?"
What does a Greek say when he receives his salary? Danke schon.
I'm wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I'm doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour's new boat] wife: "everything's a competition to you" me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] "no it's not"
Why was the algebra teacher arrested on drug charges? He was caught doing lines of math!
What does raccoon say to a lion king Raccoon say raccoon a matama ... Thank u my son
Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred *Bark!* What is it Lassie? *Bark! Bark bark!* What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well! *Bark! Bark bark woof!* Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time.
The definition of Rodeo Sex - When you accidentally call your partner by the wrong first name..... Then try and stay on for 8 seconds.
I used to be Irish... Then I became completely full of ire.
Confucius Say: Joke is like sex. Not good if you don't get it
Did you hear about the guy who broke into Tiger Woods' house? Took a lot of balls.
Did you hear about the cvs looted by BLM supporters? They took everything but the sunscreen and Father's Day cards.
The other day my doctor told me I had to stop masturbating... ...when I asked why, he said "So I can finish the examination."
When i die i want to go peacefully like my friend in his sleep. Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.
Why did I break up with my vegan girlfriend? She refused to swallow animal by-products.
Two cannibals are stewing up a clown One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe.
My new record in a 100 m sprint Is 52 meters.
Hillary's doctor tells her she has the heart of a 20 year old And now he wants her to give it back to whoever she carved it out of their chest.
What does a white trash girl say after sex? Get off me, Dad. You're squishing my smokes.
If a child molester and an illegal immigrant get in a fight... Is it Alien vs. Predator?
Waiter I can't seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup. Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?
What do you call it when you go down on a paraplegic? Meals on wheels
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth!
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun only has one trigger
What's worse than peaking in high school? Climaxing to middle schoolers.
*waits for a sign* *dead bird falls from sky* *waits for another, better sign*
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture only takes one nail
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'
Got in a car wreck while reading a church sign today... ...the Son was in my eyes.
George bush got stuck in concrete. That sets a bad precedent.
Tomorrow I am going to dig up and open the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. Cannot wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!
If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love? The swallow.
I'm really not a fan of Mayweather but.. It's actually perfect outside so I cant complain.
I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
What does the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look Grandpa, no hands!
I got 9 inches last night, 8 inches today and 7 inches coming tonight. Obviously, Winter is happy to see me.
I like to tell self-referential jokes. Like this one
[watching TV] GF: Tickle my back please ME: Is that nice? GF: Little bit higher ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
How do you communicate with the Loch Ness  Monster at 20000 fathoms? Drop him a line.
Hollywood should remake "Freaky Friday" between a priest and a scientist. The Title should be "Converting the Masses"
I keep trying to convince my grandmother to get a hearing aid... But she just won't listen
Some jokes are like doctors... They get better with repeated deliveries.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I'm the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Proper grammar is the difference... ... between knowing your shit and not knowing you're shit.
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation. That came out of nowhere.
My physics teacher tells the most horrible jokes... Q: What does iron man eat in Burger King? A:iron rings! Q: What does iron man do in his spare time? A: Iron clothes...
What fried food will shut your neighbor's dogs up? Hushpuppies.
What kind of type face does a pachyderm use? ele-font
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
CALL AN AMBULANCE!? NO WAY! that old lady is DEFINITELY unconscious. here, go start my car. I'm gonna go wipe the prints off our frisbee.
FACEBOOK  A place where couples wish they were single and the singles wish they were couples.
Why does Helium go up? Because the floors Argon.
I was walking through a cemetery, and I saw a guy crouched behind a gravestone, so I said "morning", to which he replied "no just taking a shit".
I recently got to college and I'm not sure why everyone's talking about Addy. Rune is so much better.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time* *girlfriend sighs* "Just take off the mittens" MY HANDS ARE COLD
How do you piss off a redditor? This GOD-DAMN joke has been reposted SO many times, and its not even clever in the first place!!! Im super serial guys, knock it off.
What do you call the removal of a fence? Defence
How did the Bohemian pay? Just a Check
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream's phone number and her first text to you she spells it "defantely"
Autocorrect changed "baby rattle" to "baby battle" and now I'm googling where to buy tiny weapons.
How do crazy people go thru the forest? They take the Psycho path.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
What kind of bee's make milk? BOObees!
What kind of sex does a priest have? Nun.
What do you get when you combine Helium, Yttrium, Selenium, and Xenon? **HeYSeXe**
I know its slightly distasteful but, what's the best way to punish a blind kid? rearrange the furniture
Condoms. I can't wrap my head around them.
Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..
TIL I'm good at posting at the wrong subreddit... jk jk  fuck you guys
*wears reindeer antlers* *innocently smiles* *bats eyelashes* *steals your wallet*
Breaking News! President Putin have decided to restore Crimea territory to Ukraine. But President Poroshenko was so drunk and just declined the offer.
What's red and white and red, red and white and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a roof!
A reddit mod walks into a bar... She promptly kicks everyone out, locks the doors and, declaring herself to be the bartender, proceeds to get drunk with power.
What did the man say to the Formula 1 driver who nearly rear-ended him? Thanks Verstappen.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Famine_(Ireland)
I just had a wicked threesome on the kitchen floor. Me, Nyquil and Vodka. I'll be walking funny tomorrow!
Christmas is shit. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
Which Disney character is Trump's favorite? WALL-E
Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.
Not a joke, but just wondering, am I the only one who reads these jokes in a Southern accent?
Two rabbits are getting it down one afternoon the one rabbit says to the other "This is fun, wasn't it?'
I hate it when my wife asks if I've been drinking and I accidentally respond with a 9-minute air guitar solo.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Why don't skeletons get sick? Because they always have an anti-body
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they're only saying that because they're dolphins.
My sister said to me: Where do Tie Fighters sit in church? In the *pew*.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call her and tell her.
What do you do when two snails have a  fight? Leave them to slug it out.
HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact." Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."
What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up? Its axle rose.
A priest and a rabbi are walking together. The priest sees an attractive young boy and asks the rabbi , do you want to fuck him? The rabbi asks , out of what?
I tried looking up my future I saw no results
how to tell your girl shes getting fat (actual convo on valentines day with my girl) me-i love fruit, her-i love chips, me- you better start to love fruit or youl love handles
How does the Mummy plan to destroy Superman? He's gonna lure him in to the crypt tonight.
Have you heard the one about the constipated mathematician? ... he worked it out with a pencil.
I wish I could Google search...Who likes me?
What was the blond doing in the middle of the sea? Bouncing on a buoy (boy)
If Jesus really loved me he would have died and resurrected himself a few more times to give me some extra public holidays.
[NSFW] What's the worst thing about...? ....getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger. *Yet another Australian pub joke*
My hairdresser doesn't cut my hair any longer.... He cuts it shorter instead.
Hey girl, are you a derivative? Because I'd like to examine the slope of your curves
Disney just hired someone to raise and tend for their cows. I believe Mulan was hired on Moo-lawn.
What is the Rebel Alliance' least favorite month? The Imperial March.
Update: Indian bread factory no longer under investigation for food poisoning, inspector declares. It was a naan-issue.
#Jokes4days What did the man say when he walked into a milk bar? Can I grab some milk? *Bah dum tsss*
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
What do you call the people who make sandwiches at Subway? Sub humans.
What's Jared Fogle's favorite time of day? When the big hand touches the little one
What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
Advice on getting a girl everytime My friend told me to use oysters, they work every time. I replied bollox she will notice them floating in her drink.
An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don't really expect much to happen...
A redneck girl is sucking off her black power boyfriend. What's her favorite song? I'm Going Through the Big D and Don't Mean Dallas
You know that feeling when you've had a long day at work, you drive home and nothing is going your way? It's probably because you're driving in the wrong lane.
Rectum, damn near killed him! I always hear this punchline, without the build up part. What are some variations on this classic joke?
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
i dropped a chicken mcnugget and I've been on the floor of mcdonalds sobbing the lyrics to how to save a life by the fray for 2 hours
What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding? Nothing, he already said it twice.
what do you call a woman with one leg I-lean Just heard it!
Bartender asks a returning guest... You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"
I was asked where I see myself in fives at a job interview Apparently "riding your mom" was not the right answer
Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?
If I had $1 for every time a girl has rejected me... I wouldn't be single anymore
there is literally nothing i care enough about to go on a hunger strike
What was the Mexican killers name? Tequila
Did you hear about the porn star who got jizz in her eye during a scene? She didn't see that one coming.
i want a segway so i can ride my segway away from my problems
My friend uses 'supossebly' and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
A woman is like a bucket of KFC... Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.
What do you call the largest angle? A Kurt Angle.
Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says "For the orphans" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered.
I put a downward force on the end of a lever arm in hopes to get a cold-cuts sandwich but ended up with a meatball marinara... TL;DR Weight a moment, wrong sub...
How do Germans tie there shoes? With little Nazis.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Bush did it.
How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times one for each watt.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Where do Irish people go for breakfast? Drunkin Donuts
Budweiser should spend less on advertising and more on making their beer not taste like skunk butthole.
What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating a manda-out.
Britney Spears' career That's the joke.
Camo Elephants Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red? A: To hide in cherry trees. Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A: Giraffes eating cherries.
My sex life is like Blackjack... I always hit on 16.
Q. Why did the line dancer cross the dance floor? A. To get to the other (Electric) Slide!
WIFE: You overreact to everything! ME: [phones police]
If I had a time machine I'd alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.
going to office: late . going to a doctors appointment: late . going to a friends house: late . going to a concert: 8 hours early
Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers,some of them go through 110 stories in 10 seconds.
Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!
What does relative humidity mean to a redneck? The sweat that forms on your nuts when you're banging your sister.
Yeah, I carry a gun. You got to. You never know when some lunatic is going to come up and say ... "you're fired." (c) Dave Attell
why do feminists have two more brain cells than a cow? so when you play with their tits they don't shit on the floor.
There are only two types of guys that don't masturbate Those with no hands and those with no dick
Q: Why was the cat afraid of the tree? A: Because of its bark.
I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.
What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out without robbin
Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and  won't be able to come to school today. School Secretary: Who is this? Pupil: This is my father speaking!
There are two types of people I hate in this world... People intolerant of other people's culture.... and the Dutch. Credit to Nigel Powers
Two dyslexic men walk into a bra.
NSFW Your dick's like Mt. Everest. .. It's hard to get up.
What do you get when you cross an atheist and a christian? An argument
I made a Wooden Engine.. Everyone was shocked to see that it wood work.
What do you call unreasonably strand fat people with authority? Fatscists.
What is the official fruit of gays in Texas? Canteloupe
Bathroom Boy: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: Where's the p? Boy: "Half way down my leg.
A priest and a rabbi walk into the bar. The bar tender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
If I gave everyone on the planet a penny... ...would that be considered common cents?
Why did the brothel run out of money? Because all of the investors pulled out.
I ask myself, "How did I get here?," I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.
What's the difference between a hunter and a  fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? "Firetruck"
Which pool ball do guys most commonly stick up their ass? The cue ball so they don't have to buy a whole set when it gets stuck Edit: It doesn't matter because you can buy individual billiards balls
*bark* "What's that Lassie?" *bark bark* "Timmy's stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?" *bark* "Ooh, dinnertime."
Jessica Simpson had her baby. Apparently, Kanye busted into the delivery room and said Beyonce had the best baby of all time.
Yoshi meets Mario's parents. "Nice to meet you, it's about time he's been riding me for years."
Man goes to a restaurant Sits down at a table by himself and places a calender in front of him. The waiter ask why the calendar? Man replies "I didn't want to be alone so I brought some dates"
What did the 8 say to the 0? Hey, fatty
They say people and their pets start to look alike, which is why George Clooney is now tied to a tree in my backyard.
Google is the #1 company in the world. How about them apples ?
*puts on layers of running gear* *makes a ponytail* *laces up sneakers* *drives to McDonalds*
What's the difference between radical feminists and a Valentine's Day mascot's tricks? One's Cupid stunts...
Listen auto-correct, I've never tweeted about a duck. But I've tweeted the word fuck over 2648 times. Smart phone my ass.
what do you call someone with unreasonable hearing? ear-rational
Bumper sticker reads.... Voices inside my tells me everything is going to be ok
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't on my coupon.
What do you call a nosy pooper? An eavesdropper!
There was a man who left a boombox on a mountain. The rocks were rocking on.
We don't need a girlfriend... Our assignments irritates us everyday... that's enough!!
Why did the boy want to see a thunder storm in Greece? Because Greece lightening
Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? Sorry I can't get hard right now. I just got laid.
What did the spud lover do before it went to bed? It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing... ...either the car is new or the wife is.
I am so much angry!!! I just might go Super Saiyan!!!
What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being special.
i've always struggled spelling out "blood" with my fingers because it always comes out looking like "bbool"
Librarian: can I check you out? Me: sure [spins around] Librarian: I meant your book Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
What's the smartest piece of lab equipment? A graduated cylinder.
There are 10 types of people in this world... ...those that understand binary, and those that don't.
Two muffins are in a tin in the oven. One says to the other, "man it's hot in here." The other says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"
The types of Dolls in a Man's Life There are 3 types of Dolls in a Man's Life: 1 His Daughter , Baby Doll 2 His Girlfriend , Barbie Doll Aaand then His wife, PANA-DOLL
Never discuss with your wife... ...because all you do is 'diss' and 'cuss'
The worktops in my kitchen were put in by a professional counter-fitter... Turns out they were fake.
My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor. Imagine my surprise when a woman with a penis showed up.
What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches. 
Ryan had to go potty real bad, but the door to the potty was Lochte.
New Slogan for the Pro Choice Organization Cut out the middle man. Literally.
Can you say your strengths? "Your strengths" No like what are they "My legs maybe" No, like for work "Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication"
What did Batman say when he went to the butcher? Got Ham?
When Santa's helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Guys, can we please stop making jokes about Donald Trump? Otherwise, we'll all have hell toupee.
What do most people wear to court? Law-suits
What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice-cream? Sure, Bert!
What's three times worse than OCD? OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait the last time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait, the second time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait...
What did the dragon say as he entered the party? Hey, how are you *Alduin*?
My surgeon friend that specialized in Augmentation Mammaplasty just died. I regret not being there the moment he took his last breast.
A giant fly has attacked the city. Quick! Somebody call the swat team!
Pig Breeding by Lena Bacon
Why do women shit?
I've just realised that I've got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
He who goes to sleep face down... Crack up.
Officer: How high are you? Me: No officer it's hi how are you.
Is that a Higgs boson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
I wear Fake "Vans"(Shoes) So I just call them cars.
A new rehab center for pill addicts is open Its called Oxy Clean
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar... ...and they have a good time because because they're not fucking assholes.
THEM: Let's head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there. ME: What's the grass situation?
Did you know you can break your nose if you squint hard enough? I did it on the bus today and some Asian guy punched me in the face!
Knock, knock
What would George Washington do if he were alive today? Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin
I once dated a strict Catholic from the south of Ireland I'll tell you what, you can take the girl out of Cork....
I raised an eyebrow once. He's an adult now, and he never calls or visits.
Dinner Table Son = Dad,can you pass the salt? Dad = I don't know,can you pass the semester?
How much do pirates pay for earrings? about a buck an ear.
I'm so fat... ...my favorite super hero is the supermarket.
Sat next to a baby on an airplane. Ten hour flight. I had no idea it was even possible to cry for ten hours straight. Baby was also surprised that I pulled it off.
Why did the female war reenactors need to throw away their costumes? Because they weren't period-appropriate!
I was in denial until her wake... But then I saw her face... now I'm a bereaver
Three reddit mods walk into a bar [Removed]
Why did the dinosaur go to jail? Because he was a child molester.
Roger Ailes buys a puppy. He calls it Colby.
Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger cross the road? To **GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!**
A programmer's wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I'm a pretty princess". And they do. And I am.
What do you call a cow with no hind legs? an utter drag
[hospital] Looks like ur Vine went viral. "Yay!" Sorry ur VEIN went viral...you have a fatal blood disease. "So waitmy Vine didn't go viral?"
What does a fat person and hitler have in common? Neither of them can finish a race
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Porsche? I don't have a Porsche sitting in my garage
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: one to hold the bulb, and two to spin the first one around.
I always wanted to be somebody I should have been more specific.
Yoga may be the key to your flexibility. Alcohol is the key to mine.
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two.
Have you ever had ethiopian food? Neither have they
Is there a difference between men and women? Yes, there is a vas deferens!
Is there a difference between men and women? Yes, there is a vas deferens.
Hear of the shortest suicide note ever? Life sucks, girlfriend doesn't.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth then it becomes a soap opera
How a phone recall works. Samsung: Send us your exploding phone. Microsoft/Nokia: A software update will fix that. Apple: You are using it wrong.
God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
My wife said she was leaving me because I'm too kinky I almost choked on her piss when I heard it.
Me: how old is your daughter? Person: she's 31 months Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
When our kids were teenagers we moved; hoping it would help with family strife. It didn't work, unfortunately. They found us.
Im having a Shitty day.... Tell me a yoke
How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+Esh
GENIE: u have 3 wishes ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear GENIE: k ME: a blue one GENIE: righto ME: now make Kanye hear out of it GENIE: dude
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms or legs? Bob.
What is big and hard when you put it in your mouth and small and soft when you take it out? A chewing gum you pervert
Yoga, a Hindi word meaning I hope I don't fart
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
My wife told me I needed to slow down on the alcohol... ...or better yet, stop driving altogether.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
Doctors seem to have cornered the market on so-called "medical advice."
Female without the vowels is 'FML'. Need I say more?
Who is the funniest American politician? Hillarious Clinton
I can build things out of wood. Canoe?
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. No one knows, they never get the house.
Asked my co-worker if saw the big news report... He said which one, The Mac 'n Cheetos announcement or the UK doing something? True story, from 3 min ago... 'Murica
What is the worst part about being a black jew? Having to sit in the back of the oven.
I smoked meat yesterday... I think that's how I got salmonella.
That was actually pretty funny. But, I don't like you. Therefore, I will not laugh.
What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman? The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample.
Why was the 'P' irate? Because his peg leg made him go 'R'
Tomorrow's Thanksgiving! Have a fowl meal!
What do you call a black person on the moon? An astronaut
[slams on the brakes] WHAT DO YOU MEAN LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYED BOTH TWINS IN THE PARENT TRAP
What do pancakes and kids have in common? The first one usually gets screwed up.
"To be and not to be" ~ Schrodinger's Hamlet
Josh Gordon sold his first car the other day... (xpost r/nflcirclejerk) it was a beater he sold to Ray Rice.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
I went out for dinner tonight... ...and they tried to charge me for salt and pepper! I thought it was condimentary.
A good joke to pull on friends: The Reverse Knock Knock Joke. Ask a person to say "Knock-Knock." You Reply "Who's There?" See how long it takes for them to get it.
U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.
With KFC's announcement they've created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I met a famous American comedian on a White House tour I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I thought you retired in 2009?"
A refrigerator is the exact opposite of a drug addict. It starts off in a box and then moves to a house.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
The text says it all It all
If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.
Sharks are more likely to go and attack men than women So if you are swimming with women. Just punch it in the nose Then throw her towards the shark
Dear math, stop telling me to find your X Their not coming back, grow up and solve your own problems
Warning: Groaner. What could have caused the Titanic to both sink and not sink. A Hicenberg.
Happy Mother's Day To all the guys and sperm bank who helped you get your gifts and brunch today
*Police arrested two kids* ** Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one  and let the other one off.**
What's the difference between falling from the 1st and 10th floor? Falling from the 1st floor: SPLAT! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Falling from the 10th floor: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SPLAT!
Why can't you have multi-story buildings in China? That would be wong on so many levels!
What do you say when someone dies while getting an erection? He came and went at the same time.
You know when it's a viral video when... The video is taken vertically.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET? Cop: Sir, you're still laying on the ground where you fell down.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy ME: Ok [later] ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
What do Jews in Nazi Germany and children at Penn State have in common? They're both afraid of showers
I just want a girl that's nice and sweet that doesn't require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
A redditor walks into a reddit restaurant Sorry, all our servers are busy, please come back in a minute.
Why can't you trust a Lithium Ion battery? Because they're always Li-ion!
MOOF What goes moof? A cow with buck teeth.
Why doesn't Santa give gifts to naughty kids? Because it'd Krampus style.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
Who makes the sweetest video games? Masahiro Saccharide
Last year I felt depressed and miserable, but this year I've managed to turn it around. Now I feel miserable and depressed.
How do you make a moth bawl? Hit him with a fly swatter.
If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and... Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..
I have the talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
These Jared from Subway jokes are so tired Bill Cosby started using them to knock out his victims
Honey, were out of snake food. "What? For what snake?" Honey, I bought a snake
As a feminist who's fairly critical of her own movement, this made me laugh: Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That's not funny.
Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter* Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
I just wish God hadn't hidden all of my talents so well.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: smells like upyou'refreetogo in here. Cop: what's upyou'refreetogo? Me: *finger guns* catch ya later Cop: aww damn lol got me again
My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face.
If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.
What happens when you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia? You get stoned.
I've been told I'm condescending. (That means I talk down to people.)
OCD My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD where all he does all day is organise dinner plates by the year they were made, It's an extremely rare dish-order........
How many grammar nazi's does it take to change a light bulb How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? FTFY.
window shopping why do the wealthy put their garbage in clear plastic bags? so the rest of us can go window shopping
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Major in Freudian Psychology Minor in the back seat.
What is Mary short for? She ain't got no legs!
train me. no. train me. okay. training montage. the big fight. i'm glad you trained me. i'm glad i trained you. #everyboxingmovie
Seasons Greetings by Mary Christmas
What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to? Earl Lee
What are the sickest rock layers? The ones with diabases.
Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.
A hillbilly walks up to his sister and says "have sex with me." She replies "if you incest."
What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement? A 401(K-9).
Dear Abby, I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?
What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor? Matt.
Wait - my gym moved? In 1997?
How girls put on their pants: *Left leg* *Right leg* *Wiggle* *Wiggle* *Jump* *Jump* *Squat* *Stretch* Done..
The ladder A man was trapped in a burning building and a firefighter yelled through the window, "You have two possible exit points, this ladder or the stairs." The man chose the latter. He died.
For Sale: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 Volumes Excellent condition. $ 1000 ONO. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows fucking everything.
Archaeologists discover the remains of a slave-worker under famous statue in Giza Reports claim he died of Asphinxiation
What's the difference between a gay man's moustache and a straight man's moustache? The smell.
My nephew asked, 'How will I know when I'm an adult?' and I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'
never trust a business that uses Papyrus font
We need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts
Before I go to the airport I'm going to swallow a Hot Wheels car & an action figure. Then when they scan me I'm going to act like Godzilla.
Hey, do you wanna f*** ;) ***only available at participating stores
What do you call Bruno Mars? Michael Jackson the third.
MOVIE LINES Don't you hate it when you have to wait in lines I wanted to see a movie the other day and the line was huge. Next time I'm going to download off the internet.
I'm just a girl, sitting in her car, wondering what the person I texted "I'm in the cat" to, is thinking right now.
Why don't you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.
I asked my Nan what she wanted for Christmas. "Something from the Body Shop please," she replied..... Hope she's got enough room in the flat for the front wing off a Mondeo.
I used to be terrified of my dentist. He wasn't rough with my teeth or anything, he was just a paedophile.
How many nice guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll compliment it, but then get pissed off when it doesn't screw.
Today, coworker deemed herself "unscareable". Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.
Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money? She didn't believe in prophets.
What do you call a cow with no legs? ....ground beef... tehe..
So I was talking to my blond friend I was telling her that I was named after a character from a tv show. She replied: "What was their name?".
The Story of the Old, Empty Barn There was nothing in it.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her.
Three Chickens Three chickens on a cliff, the first falls, the second was attached to the first, The therd, well. He died of peer presure.
Classical pun Why have they not found Mozart's body yet? Because he is Haydn.
A man put an ad in the newspaper, saying "WIFE WANTED". The next day, he had hundreds of letters, saying "You can have mine"
While at work "You must love putin" "Why?" "Because your a rushin!"
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
How do you call people that are always squinting at you? Asians
I started a band with my dog. He barks while I eat Cheetos. It's indie, you wouldn't get it.
"Oh my god! Sarah Jessica Parker is a competitive sprinter?!" "Greg, calm down! This is just the Kentucky Derby."
What do you call a Vulcan philosopher who only responds in questions? Spocrates.
What did one eyeball say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.
"Don't kill it!" my friend pleaded for a spider's life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.
Why didn't the engineering student have a good relationship with his professor? There were too many truss problems.
The judge gave me 7 days to live... So I shot myself. The doctor gave me 4 months. Problem solved. B)
Subway's Jared Fogle sentenced to 15.6 years... Where his diet will be regulated to just 6 inchers.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
I told my boss that I wanted a raise. The boss, like a jackass, replied, "How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?" "About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.
What do you get when yo cross sheep DNA with human DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
My Russian mate does not care about anyone.  His name is Yukanol Fukov.
What's the biggest lie of the election? Voting machines aren't hackable.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street... what the hell is wrong with you?
What do you call a fast, Spanish paedophile? Rapedo
Deeper deeper if we're having sex don't tell me "deeper deeper". if I could go deeper I would. you don't see me saying "tighter".
A guy goes into a Latvian bar with 3 potatoes Walks out with a female entourage that would make Hef proud.
Why don't you eat a girl out first thing in the morning? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
A guy goes to a crowded party and wants to get a drink from the hors d'oeuvres table. Surprisingly, there is no punch line.
Roll call comes for a Mexican bus trip They always seem to be late from missing juan
What's Irish and stays out on your deck? Paddy O'furniture
[cats at shelter] Where's Frank? "Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now."
I watched Mad Max and now I'm riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
If you're black and you know it.... drop that T.V.!
What's the most difficult thing about roller-blading? Telling your parents that you are a faggot!
How do you circumcise a whale? Four skin divers.
When I was younger, I always heard of people getting robbed at gunpoint. If there's been so many robberies, why do people keep going to gunpoint?
Little known fact Delicacy is French for "I dare you to eat this".
2 Muslims walk into a bar. The bar explodes.
woah. you can say "Houston we have a problem" in messy situations that have nothing to do with astronauts or texas? this changes everthing
I sold my sole to the Devil yesterday... He was pretty pissed off when he found out it wasn't a typo.
The writers for The Office have drifted out of touch with modern office life. Nobody is employed anymore.
What did one depressed saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support before people think we're nuts!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain] "Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes" Him: "Who the hell are you and should I be scared?"
Went out drinking at the bar last night. Took a cab home. Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?
Pizza delivery boy . . . What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it!
Two peanuts were walking down the street One was assaulted
Roses are red Violeta are blue I have schizophrenia And so do I
Common synonyms of unemployed. Writer, blogger, and activist.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I'm actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Shake what yo mama gave you! Oh she just handed you a child. Don't shake that
What do you get if you cross a dog and a  cheetah ? A dog that chases cars - and catches them !
I don't understand how people aren't inspired by Donald Trump He proof literally anyone can be president
What are the three kinds of women's cancer? 1. Breast Cancer 2. Ovarian Cancer 3. Feminism
A farmer walks past a tombstone that says: Here lies a lawyer, an honest man, a man of integrity. The peasant crosses himself and says scared: "Blessed Virgin, three men buried in the same grave!"
It's weird how in England the passenger drives the car
Homeless man: Change please Me: sorry dude I don't have any money on me Homeless man: No, change...That outfit is hideous
Who makes dinner in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they eat out.
I just came up with Trump's inauguration drink I call it, "Make America Smashed Again" It's a White Russian with pumpkin spice.
So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ... Is it buffering or is he having a stroke?
An atom loses an electron, another atom asks 'You sure?' I'm positive.
When Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive Spiderman, he became... Spidermanman.
Everyone's dad turns down the radio when he misses a turn or gets lost like it was Tom Petty's fault or something.
Life with erectile dysfunction is hard But really it isn't.
Donald Trumps favorite movie is E. T. Because the fucking alien went back home!
*notices it's not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss...*nn*...to 5 insomniacs*
My urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away
I don't know why I even bother having an iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.
Why was John Lennon shocked when he got his wife's gynecologist bill? He had misunderstood the doctor when he said "I do probe Ono."
A woman who has no idea how hot she is, is so hot.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh...
How did Arnie convince his wife to move in with him? "Live vit me if you vant to cum"
What do you call a phobia of chainsaws? Common sense
Yo mamma so dumb... ...her offspring think 'Yo mamma' jokes are funny!
I walk around in public saying "wait for me guys" so everyone thinks I have friends.
What do pancakes do when they are scared? They crepe themselves ;D
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles] ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath JULIET: I'm just stuck on my back R: we're turtles, Juliet
Why are there no homosexual traffic lights? They can't change, even if they try.
I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen.
I've got 70 hobbies. '69'ing and fishing.
What do you get if you cross Oddjob with Blofeld? Oddfeld...
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
There once was ... There once was a fellow named Wes, who tried to make his comments the best, although sometimes he missed, he never expected to get dissed, but some redditors downvoted nonetheless.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? Cus he was too far out, man
There's a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L's
I turned on my computer. It said hello. Its a dell.
The plural of "person on Segway" is "losers."
What's a neckbeard's favorite pokemon? M'champ
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
How do you get a homosexual man to have sex with a heterosexual woman? Shit in her cunt. (its just a joke people)
It's really crazy that you don't hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted
What's the difference between a mixologist and a bartender? About ten minutes.
What do you call a vampire after it is one-year-old? A two-year-old vampire.
When the book of Revelations was written, the writer wrote that the end of the world would be signaled by trumpets. In fact, God had said Trump/Pence.
What kind of jeans do Mario and Luigi wear? Denim denim denim!
Q: What did the cook say to the dough? A: I "NEED" you!
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
If my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.
Do know who the ultimate CrossFitter was? Jesus.
A little immature... Knock knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? No! You're a poo!
Why was 8 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
Jokes 1. Something said in the pursuit of laughter. 2. A short tale with an end worth laughs after. 3. A noun you expect commands no respect. Root word "jocus". This limerick: disaster.
what did the serial killer spill to the victim i would tell you but id have to kill you
What kind of bread do pig ladles make in the  Yukon? Sow-r dough bread.
Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me  every mundane details about it.
Best pickup line EVER! I would call heaven and report a missing angel.... But I'm actually hoping that you are a slut.
Whats the difference between reddit and 9gag? 3 hours, but it takes 1 day for it to get to Hot
Scientist: a rat will choose cocaine over water until it dies. I've repeated this experiment thousands of times, because I hate rats so much
[Science Meeting, 1924] Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you're going to jail Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
What's the difference between a sliced up body and a new BMW? ... I don't have a new BMW in my garage.
How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
Did you guys know the majority is always right? Except slavery
How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb? Seven - one to actually change the bulb and six to complain that they liked the old one better.
There is 3 types of people in this world... People who are good at maths, and people who aren't.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for "superficial"? "Shallow"? "Slave"? Or "soon to be obsolete"?
I bet the dude that invented toast just burnt the bread and didn't want to tell anyone.
The thing about "Your Mom" jokes is... You're living proof your mom puts out.
the only exercise this month ive done is running out of money
A man walks into a bar Ouch!
"It's pronounced Jeff" "Whatever you say, Goff"
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. It's seven.
I didn't know what to do with all the gifts my ex gave me. So I took antibiotics until they went away.
A man calls in sick... "It's my eyes," he says. "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."
What do you call a jewish pokemon trainer? Ash.
Seriously guys, every 'yo momma' joke has already been done thousands of times by thousands of people.. just like yo momma!
What did the vegetables say at the garden party? Lettuce turnip the beet
Two atoms are walking down the street... One of them says, "Oh my. I think I've lost an electron." And the other says, "Oh my God! It's a talking atom!"
Why did the midget cross the road? Because he was getting chased by two assholes still drunk from St. Patrick's Day.
Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.
Chemistry One Liner I'd love to tell you a chemistry joke, but I heard they were argon. As seen on a bridge at my local university.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls.
How do you keep a dog from barking in your  front yard? Put him in your back yard.
Did you hear about the man who proposed to his long-distance girlfriend? It was a ranged marriage.
A politician set out to create the most jobs Crime creates lots of jobs - police, insurance, repairs, medical if its violent crime, lawyers... and so was born the criminal nature of politicians.
The movie Interstellar was so deep that.. Adele was rolling in it
Joe: If you love it so much why don't you marry it? Jim: Hmm [Two weeks later] Jim: Meet my new wife! *holds up Joe's wife's potato salad*
Hey, waiters, write down my fucking order. If you're trying to impress people how about don't be a waiter.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
How do you get a Cambodian person to join you? Just shout "Hey, Khmer!"
Atheists don't believe in God or the "i before e except after c" rule of spelling.
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky I'll show myself out.
A man walks into a bar... ...And he says "ow, that hurt"
What did the fish say when he hit concrete? Dam(n).
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Infants don't have nearly as much fun in infancy as adults have in adultery.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100 Perfect 10, but imaginary
I'm not saying your mom's a whore... But if she were a video game she'd be rated E for everyone.
What's USSR favourite Pink Floyd's Album? The Wall. pls don't pitchfork me
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Girl are you a Louis Vuitton store? Because I've never been inside you and probably never will unless I'm rich one day.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.
6 said he isn't sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money. -No DNA test needed
That awkward moment when someone says "stop", and you don't know whether to respond with "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."
What can't teenage girls do? Even
don't joke about arthritis It's too close to the bone
What do Brazilian cats speak? Purr-tuguese
I told my wife that Leonard Nimoy, Mr. Spock died. She said, "May the force be with him."
Lovers decided to commit suicide. The boy jumped first. The girl did not. From that day, started the concept of...Ladies First. @Laugh_Riot
A German airman on the air forces during WW2 If you see a white plane, it's American; if it's black it's RAF (Royal Air Force). If you see no planes at all, that's the Luftwaffe.
Two wrongs don't make a right But two wrights make an airplane
Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln? Because he was always in a cent.
The next time someone says "expect the unexpected," I'm going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.
What time are most dental appointments scheduled for? Tooth hurty.
JESUS: Happy Father's Day, Joe. [hands over present] JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it- [present is empty] [Jesus and God hi-5]
Sex between 3 people is a threesome, 2 is a twosome... Does that make me a handsome guy?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... ...not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that's going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
How does a West Virginia husband tell if his wife is on the rag? (NSFW) He sucks his son's dick to see if it tastes like shit.
I happily dad joked my fiance While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side. To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"
What's the German guy say when you kick him in teh crotch? Oof, weinerpain!
Dear Apple: When I want to say "fuck" & "shit" I don't want to say "duck" & "shot". So duck the iPhone! Oh, shot!
Where do you shop for a pregnant cow? The Mooternity Section.
How does an alien get back to his home planet? ayy lmao
What do you call it when two Mexicans are playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Who steals all the soap in the bathroom? The robber ducky
Who build King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference
I wondered why the train was getting bigger... then it hit me
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger's cat.
[interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."
The man who invented AutoCorrect has died. Restaurant in piece.
TIL I'm always submitting to the wrong subreddit.
How do government employees wink when they're at work? They briefly open one eye.
Why did Uncle Owen have the cleanest asshole in the Galaxy? A lifetime of nothing but Outer Rim jobs.
So anyway, this guy calls a plumber... "Hey, plumber, I gotta leak in my basement." Plumber says, "Go ahead fellow, it's your basement."
I bet gay people really hate it when their GPS tells them to "Continue Straight."
Donald Trump, Barack Obama and Putin walk into a bar.. and walk out after having a drink. What else did you expect they would do in a bar?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
It's all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.
My wife's sexual fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. I think she misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Where did Hitler keep his armies? In his sleevies. ^^^^Sorry
The inventory of the Crossword has died. He will be buried tomorrow. Six down and three across.
How many polacks does it take to change a light bulb? Just one dumbass.
How much power does a nun have. Nun!
A man went to grab some Viagra... out of the cupboard, but accidentally grabbed some twink. He awoke in the morning with a correction.
What's the best kind of bee? Boo-bees
Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Rest of world: don't do anything crazy plz UK: fk u we used to own u watch this *does backflip *money falls out of pockets *cracks head open
I better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me
What's the first thing you do when attacked by a gang of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
Why are the_donald users not cucks? First of all you'd need a girlfriend to begin with.
Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. Until the library kicked me out....
Being misunderstood is an art and apparently I should open a gallery.
Have you heard the news story about the kid that was arrested when they thought the clock he brought to school was a bomb? It's blowing up
I tried publishing my novel... in which I stress the danger of global warming by describing my experience battling encroaching fire ant colonies. Every publisher called it ant-I-climatic.
MY KNUTS My nuts hurt so bad. Doctor says I'll have to chop em.
Anyone got any good Elvis jokes? I'm the master of ceremony (as Elvis) for a Vegas-themed casino night. Thanks Reddit!
i know why the new windows is windows 10 instead of 9.. its because seven eight nine. im so proud of myself
A nuclear physicist is drinking at Oktoberfest... He approaches the bar to and calls over a barman. The barman asks what he would like, and the physicist raises one finger and says, "Ein Stein".
Why was the meeting for impotent men cancelled? They knew no one would come.
What do you call a fat computer? A Dell. -- Credit where credits due. Got this off of some dude's donation on Summ1t's twitch stream:P
from Jabba the Hutt's perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him
What's a Neckbeards' favourite colour? M'genta
The next batch of women who get plastic surgery Will have a stamp on their paperwork that shows they made with 33% recycled Joan Rivers.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Don't let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It's 100% true, but it's more fun if it's a surprise.
Thought you guys might enjoy this.. What kind of bees make milk? Boobies! Yes. It is stupid but it makes me smile. Anyone have a stupid joke like this that just makes you laugh?
Why did SJWs call out Medusa? She kept objectifying people.
Why do some people think Jesus was black? Cause he is our father, and he never came back.
If you jump off a bridge in Paris... You are in seine
Why do girls always go in threes when using the restroom? Because they can't even.
Why don't you ever see black people on cruises? They'll never be tricked into that one again...
Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves.... You have lettuce in your teeth
Muslims in the U.S.A [Removed]
you never gotta worry about me cheating on you... i might eat something that was yours but thats about it
Me: Will you- Hubs: No Me: Can you- Hubs: Nope Me: Are you- Hubs: Oh no Me: Sex? Hubs: Yes Me: Oh hell no..... Communication is important.
I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
What did the physicist say to the man about to jump off a building? "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
What do robots do on a one night stand? He nuts and bolts
Whats a sugar free drink's favorite abbreviation? 0mg
I was too late for the ribeye special at the supermarket. Such a big missed steak.
Did you hear about the elephant who farted in a chalice? You'd heard if you were in the chalice
Wrote a letter to Santa today because i don't want him to think that we only talk when i want something from him.
Dear Kanye West, Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately
Me and my Girlfriend just broke up We had different views on history, I wanted to Hitler and she was just Stalin.
What was Hitler's problem when the lights went out? He could Nazi. Edit: Fuck me, Reddit. I heard you *liked* puns...
What's the worst place to run in to your ex girlfriend? Auschwitz
What do you call a tuber that buys his girlfriend chocolates? A sweet potato.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies. Then I eat them all by myself. Screw those kids.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
"I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele's new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles." - my neighbor
Eight bytes walk into a bar... Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?" "Yeah," reply the bytes. "Make us a double."
What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant.
What's the difference between a Zippo and a Hippo? One is heavy, and one is a little lighter
Why can't Hellen Keller drive? Cause she's dead
Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body... I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.
Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors? So they can park in handicap spots.
A black first-grader runs home crying -Mommy mommy all my friends at school make fun of me cause I have a gigantic penis. His mom looks at him weird and says- "Nigga you 17"
Legos are a lot like boobs. They're meant for kids, but Dad always ends up playing with them
Is it true there is an 'underground' organization supporting Mitt Romney? Called "Sub-Mitt"?
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely... ...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The victims of 9-11 they went through 97 stories in 10 seconds.
*brain waking up* oh god please not again I can't keep existing in this reality *brain 20 minutes later* 1000000 chameleons is a chamillion
Fight with Alarm Clock Had a fight with my alarm clock, i refused to wake up, things got voilent. Now its broken and i am awake don't know who won.
What do you call a black person that cant sing? A rapper
What is both a short shopping list, and a potential Chinese luxury automobile? * Rolls * Rice
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.
I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning. Turns out it was just a tissue.
How to play a pokemon game Buy a $250 Pokemon machine ( 3DS )
What did ataturk's Father Say to him when he did well? Adda-Turk
Why doesn't Kanye West take his wife to the beach? Because he is afraid tidal wave will take her away from him.
Studies have shown... (NSFW) 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.
What's Sarah Jessica Parker's favorite dance move? The Neigh Neigh.
What did Hitler say to his men before they got in the tank? Men, get in the tank.
I thought I found a mass grave of snowmen. Until I realised it was a field of carrots.
What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan? Bombs
I almost had a threesome last night, All I needed was two more women.
I met a new girl in work today, and she was a vegan I've never seen herbivore
How do rednecks circumcise a baby? Kick their daughter in the jaw.
What do you call a cow with only legs on one side? Lean Beef.
My friend says his new girlfriend takes his breath away ..but that's because she is inflatable
Why don't blind people go sky diving? It freaks out the dogs!
What's a tree's favourite composer called? Bach
I had a track accident last spring... Now it has become a running joke.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Closure ! Closure who ? Closure mouth when you eat !
Mayweather Vs Pacquiao A fight ? That's a laugh .... I've had tougher fights getting my kids to take their baths!!
What's an Afrikaner's favorite game? Apartheid-and-go-seek.
What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur? A lickalotapuss What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasaurass
I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues.
Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite, and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole? Really, History?
How do you kill a circus clown? Go for the juggler
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I'm blind as a-- BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what ME: um BAT: as a what ME: BAT: say it
My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know
My son was thrown out of school today.... for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said "son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you"
Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That's nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Why do Russians always wear track suits? Because they are always RUSSIAN to places. thanks
What kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees
Did you hear the one about the two gay Irish dudes? Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don't want to save a lot of money.
Congrats, you've been selected for the job Me: Whats the salary? 10k now and will increase to 25k later Me: Ok then, I will come later
Damn girl are you the meta? 'Cause I really didn't need this cumback.
Why do gametes often choose a life of prostitution? because sex cells.
What is the best joke that made you LOL?
Had A Fight With An Erection This Morning Beat it single handedly.
Why did the French chef commit suicide? Because he lost the huile d'olive.
Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he "really needs scissors, like right now!"?
Q: What happens when a T-Rex bites you? A: You get a dino-sore.
*buys shed at B&Q* B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself? Me: No, it's going in the garden. B&Q: Me: B&Q: I can't help you anymore.
What do you say to a cat eating your poop? Scat Cat! (credit goes to RuPaul)
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you're already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Jeffery Dahmer Did you know Jeffery Dahmer used to cut off his victims noses, put them on pizza and eat them? He called it Dahmer-nose pizza.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress* ME: Ooh that looks like fun *I push her down the stairs*
What's a loli's favourite car? A Niisan.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
How do you get a Ford recalled? Wait.
You never really know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it'll last. Snow, maybe.
Someone just filled me in about those small places in the hot, sandy desert called an "Oasis." ... That's where the Arab boys go to eat their dates.
what did the sea say to the sand? Nothing it just waved
*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party* I don't know guys, I've never done this before. *straps on monogrammed driving gloves*
What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
Knock-Knock... -Who's there? -Doctor. -Doctor Who? -No, bitch. Doctor House.
What do you call cheese that is not your own? Nacho cheese
Yo mama is so dumb..... That she shakes her baby when she reads the orange juice label.
"Russel Brand reports he keeps being told he needs to shake up his image" or, as people have been phrasing it 'Rustle brand'.
How many yankees fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just stand in the dark talking about how good the old one was.
Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind  people!!!!
What kind of drugs to tumblr users take? Anti-oppressants.
I love graphs! I used to be obsessed with them... I've calmed down now though, you've gotta draw the line somewhere
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
I'm smiling. This should scare you.
I saw the expiration date on my condoms They say it takes thousands of years for latex to degrade, but apparently it's been longer than that since I've gotten laid
Me: *braids girl's hair* Girl: *turns around, terrified* Me: The movie was boring me... *leans back in seat* *eats popcorn*
A Thought About Posthumous Autobiographies They're all ghost-written.
What if all conspiracy theories are started by the government in order to cover up what they're really doing?
Two tachyons are sitting in a gaming cafe when a normal particle walks in. The first tachyon looks over its shoulder and says, "Fucking causals."
eer booze and fun!' 'I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
Be alert! ... the world needs more lerts.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is being at a party and feeling socially awkward.
did you hear about the clumsy musician who tried gardening? he dropped the beet
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
How do you seat four gay men on a bar stool? Flip it over.
I like my coffee just like I like my slaves... Free
I got it from my daddy? PSY How do you like my Pun? PSY-ber Monday lol
Today I decided to burn some calories.. So I lit a fat kid on fire.
What diapers should you put on a dead baby? Pamperspired.
I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.
i don't see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower's job to clean me
Floyd Mayweather will be saddened by the death of Ali I mean just wait until someone reads all these articles to him calling Ali the greatest.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick? Her: Of course... *walks out 26 minutes later* Thanks.
Do you want to have a home? You need a ho and you need me
Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip? Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
Yesterday I heard there was a robbery at a bakery, I've heard of stupid crimes... But this one really takes the cake.
"Why are you studying your Easter  candy?" "I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the  chocolate egg!"
I've made my decision. I can finally say that I'd like to have some kids. Trust me, I know I can raise then right. Does anybody know where I can find some goats?
Anyone who says they don't like cats hasn't had them cooked properly.
Sneezing while driving is my version of extreme sports.
What type of cheese lives under your bed? Muenster.
[job interview] "any questions?" yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart? "ma'am this is a bank" I know but you seem like a man with some answers
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait* omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
Heard about the blonde that sold her car for GAS Money...
[drops capsule in woman's drink] Maybe when that's finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I Masturbated so well last night That when i woke up this morning my dick was in the kitchen making me breakfast!
What did one tectonic plate say to the other after the earthquake? That was your fault!!!!
Why did the plane crash? Becuase the pilot was a loaf of bread. Originated from http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/jq58i/iama_request_popsicle_stick_joke_writer/
WIFE: you've had enough ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Why do people dislike going to the dentist? Because he is boring.
Do you like your new baby sister? She's all right. Do you play with her? No and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My boss told me to have a good day.. So I went home.
What does a black and white bear use to cook it's dinner? A pan, duh!
What do you call shit that comes out with a fart? An Unexpecturd.
Saw this on a wall while on some down time in the restroom, made me laugh ...Silly This is my first time posting, but this made me laugh ... Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop? ... .. Answer: Dr.Dre
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don't need someone pointing to a picture and saying,"That's him."
WHAT IS SEX? HUSBAND: A minute of PLEASURE, then years of PRESSURE! WIFE: Moments of ECSTASY, followed by decades of SLAVERY! MISTRESS: Just stolen TIME, but never MINE! HOOKER: NEXT!
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Q: Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder? A: So he could shoot his mouth off.
I got a job as a triangle player in a reggae band... I just stand at the back and ting.
I sat back looking at the stars and began to think.. Where the HECK is my roof?!
Sorry! Just saw these texts now! Hope your birthday party, Christmas and wedding were great!
WHY IS IT CALLED "CAPS LOCK" AND NOT "CAPITAL PUNISHMENT"
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish? Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Q: What is the lightest thing in the world? A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.
What's long and black and dangerous to cut into? The KFC Drive-thru line.
Why did the Caucasian gymnast fall off the balance beam while on television? Because the white balance was off on the camera.
Movies are always more fun if you dress up like the characters. Like the time I didn't eat for 3 weeks and then saw Schindler's List.
What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? Ruff
What do you call a zoo with only one dog in it? A shitzoo.
What's the famous Confederacy battle cry? We Surrender!
"And... uh... chocolate kills dogs." - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
As long as the stupid phrase "interracial relationship" exists, I'm going to refer to same race ones as a "color-coordinated relationship."
what do you call a communist in a hurry? A soviet rushin! (wackady shmackady doo)
A bar walks into a man The bar says, this place stinks, and the only other person here is an asshole.
People that can't support their own arguments piss me off... I don't know why.
A dyslexic tries to use public transportation Whoops, wrong sub.
What kind of footwear do Whitewalkers use? The Hodor-eliminating kind.
I wish we could all agree to adjust our cultural perspective on beauty so that I could eat more.
What do you call a porn with two couples? A pair-a-mount picture.
What did the monster say to his psychiatrist? 'I feel abominable.'
What monsters are all the tools in the toolbox afraid of? Vampliers
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I don't think playing catch with the kid was the problem so much as the fact that I kept dropping him.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment 'our love is priceless' for under $75?
I bought what I thought was a Burger King But infact it was just a little Wimpy.
What do all battered women have in common? (In a frustrated voice) They just don't listen.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.
Not sure what to watch tonight.... American Horror Story on FX or the one on ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, CNBC and MSNBC.
Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.
Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?
French Stoner Joke: 80
Why couldn't the watermelon get married in Vegas? Because his fiancee is a cantaloupe!
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid.
What do you call a banker's disgusting fetish? His gross interest.
With all the racism talk going around I thought I would do my part to put a stop to it. I am no longer going to use the word "Vinegar" at work because it sounds slightly racist.
Did you hear about the guy who landed in the hospital after shoving 8 plastic toy horses in his butt? His condition is stable.
I caught my wife in bed with a banana last night... She was masticating.
What is loud and sounds like an apple? **AN APPLE!**
Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes... ... they are calling them "parallelograms".
Why did the nun always go to the same bar? Habit
What do you call a deep thinking pastry chef? A filosopher.
Me: Did you hear what I just said? Him: Yes Me: What did I say? Him: Did you hear what I just said
What do you call an unconscious foot? Coma-toes! (I made up this joke when I was 10.)
Why do Central Americans hop the U.S. Border in groups of 4 or more? Because the sign says no tres-passing.
Have you heard of divorced barbie? Her set costs $450. ...mostly because it comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and one of Ken's friends.
What's a hippy mothers least favorite sport? Formula one!
I had to take my son's dirty diaper off today. I don't know why I was wearing it in the first place.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's, she changes it more often.
???: Knock knock. James: Who's there? ???: You know. James: You know who? Voldemort: Correct. James Potter: James Potter: Fuck.
Whats the difference between a hispanic and a book. The book has papers.
A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles. It was about bloody time.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
50 Shades of Spalding Gray 7 years of decay and the East River.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 jumpers, they can go through 88 stories in 8 seconds.
People find it fascinating I can lift 180kg from the bench. Weird, I thought people found it easy to stand up from park benches.
Daughter saw a photo of me at 18 and asked who the pretty girl was. I told her it was her real mother that died giving birth to her.
A life-long politician and an orange are on stage in front of millions of Americans. What do they do? They start insulting each other.
Sexually active I was sexually active at 12....its now 12.14am and my hand is fuckin killing me.
Can you believe they're the same age? http://www.foxnews.com/slideshow/entertainment/2015/10/07/stars-who-are-the-same-age/#/slide/kylie-maisie-same-age
Why do tampons have strings attached? So you can floss after you eat. Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.
My friend told me he hasn't pooped in a week. I told him he was full of shit.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.
If I play my cards right... I Can become a Pro pokerplayer
My dad hasn't uncrossed his arms since I was born.
Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by .swallowing 100 pain killers? A: After two he began to feel better.
Nicholas Cage... ...is where they keep all of the really bad Nicholases.
yo mama is so fat she can sit on a t3 cable  and make the internet traffic slow right down to 1 bit per day.
"Your majesty, we've searched far for him." "Did you search wide?" "No." "Yeah, you better do that."
I just killed like a dozen carpenter ants and now I have no idea what I'm going to do with all these little tool belts.
The difference between Christian wives and Jewish wives? Christian wives have fake jewelry and real orgasms.
Are you a mixologist? I could tell by your poor style.
My French buddy keeps trying to get me to drink It's a lot of Pierre pressure
Gay marriage is legal in 6 states, but having sex with a horse is legal in 23 states. Good job, America.
Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?  A: She thought her maxi pad had wings
I've been cutting corners my whole life... But now I am a well-rounded person, so it worked out pretty well.
New Scientist magazine reports that a team of British engineers in Bristol have developed a car that runs on human shit ...I bet that "new car smell" doesn't last very f*cking long.
If Two Chainz orchestrated 9-11 He'd be called Two Planes
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
What do you get when cross-eyed and looking at a solar eclipse? A solar ellipses...
So my dad gathered all of us kids together and said "Now I'm only going to say this once!" .... then turned and walked away.
They should play "Let the bodies hit the floor" On Life Alert commercials.
How did Jesus stay in such good shape? Cross fit.
I'm turned on by women who don't mind sucking a little dick Mine
I moved into an advent calendar today... Its very cold, all the windows are open.
I have a new theory about the most effective way to sabotage condoms... ... but you'll probably just poke holes.
3. That's how many times you have to ask someone if they're grumpy before they get grumpy.
What's the difference between the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presedential race? The Olympic competitors are qualified.
Confucious say... Confucious say a boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[watching porn] This is crazy! He delivered that pizza like half an hour ago. *cups hands over mouth* IT'S GETTING COLD! IT'S GETTING COLD!
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows on too high She looked surprised
I was asked to come up with a list of 10 sexual innuendo... But I accidentally came up with 11, so I had to rub one out.
How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money? By moving the show to a "true crime" channel and calling it "18 Victims and Counting".
What's the difference between a crocodile and a toothbrush? You can't brush your teeth with a crocodile.
I had to pick a password that was 8 characters long. I went with 'snowwhiteandthesevendwarves'.
How do trains eat? They go chew chew!
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? BANANANAAAAAAA
"Getting fat" is absolutely a legitimate response to "what have you been up to?"
I tried looking up another word for butthurt But I can't find my thesoreass.
You're so fake... Even China denied they made you
For real now, how many animals can you fit into one single pair of panty hose 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, an assload of hares, 1 cameltoe and 1 fish Noone can find
"Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it". Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn't watch CSI.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what's wrong, but I'm not falling for it.
My roommate called to tell me our apartment was inflamed... ...so I told him to give it some ibuprofen and put it to bed.
If the wife uses dual sim phone, save both numbers under one name : "Wife"  Never save them as "Wife1" and "Wife2" ~ A husband from hospital
Nancy Grace just called pot smokers "fat and lazy". Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o'clock on a Monday watching your show.
what did the ocean say to the other ocean ? nothing they just waved.
What do you call a Wolfman who barks at a half moon? UnawareWolf
Why did the clam go to jail? For setting up illegal shell companies!
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait.. He drove a Honda. But he didn't like talking about it. John 12:49 : &gt; For I did not speak of my own Accord.
Top three phrases uttered in our household, in order of frequency: 1. "I burped." 2. "I love you." 3. "I farted."
We used to have a dog with no back legs and steel balls We called him Sparky.
If a pika sneezes... Is it called a Pikachu?
A guy is out to dinner with his wife... Wife: See that drunk guy at the bar? Guy: Yeah, what about him? Wife: He proposed to me 10 years ago, but I turned him down. Guy: Wow! He's STILL celebrating!
I once tried to overdose on Viagra. It was the hardest time of my life..
What is the tallest building in the entire world Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world? A: The library, because it has so many stories.
They tell you to wear layers on a day like this, but I always end up uncomfortably warm in this suit of lasagna.
Damn girl, are you Reddit? Cus you repeat the same stupid shit over and ov-- Aww shit.........
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor's back porch! I don't have the heart to tell him that it's really a marijuana leaf.
A breakfast crime Did you here about the egg who *cracked* the case?. He was super *yolked* so it was *over-easy*.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force.
What do u call a mexican in the back of a cop car? Pork and beans
Oh thank God (what I think every time I enter an public restroom that's empty)
A jumper cable walks into a bar... The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
I married way too young She was chinese.
[OC] How to tell if you're gay... If when you fap, you like the feeling because there's a dick in your hand, rather than liking it because there's a hand around your dick - You're gay.
What did the nurse who knocked on the pregnant lady's door say? Womb Service!
*looks up from pestle and mortar "Powdering this baby is HARD!"
I hate it when kids say that they hate vegetables. Like what the hell did Steven Hawking do to you?
[interview for an accounting job] Your resume says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job? "You do the math"
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Gag*
Glassware has emotions. Proof: I sometimes reach to the back of the cabinet because I feel bad for the glasses that I never use.
According to my laptop, my New Year's resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Dirty Joke My teacher tells me there are 7 wonders of the world. I think there are only 2. *Vaginas and tits*
13 Hours Why did Hilary Clinton not go watch the movie 13 hours? She already slept through it once. Edit: sleep to slept
I like my coffee like I like my women... with a big cup size.
If Robin Williams was a Redditor, he wouldn't go Karma Farming He's go Goodwill Hunting
HOW TO BECOME A CRAZY CAT LADY: 1) Get a cat. 2) Repeat.
I got an adjustable stand/sit desk at work... So I don't have to take the customers' shit sitting down! And when I can't stand it anymore, I can still get my work done while sitting.
Why did the feminist cross the road? to suck my dick
The only "B" word women should be called is... is beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful.
Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.
You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You can't find something? MOM!
Mitt Romney announcing he's not running for president is like Johnny Depp announcing there won't be a sequel to Mortdecai.
Adulthood is where you get excited over a new trash can. *blank stare*
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
What do you get when you cross a Chicken with Peanut Butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth
My study buddies, Reese and Shey. Aren't they beautiful? [=)](http://i.imgur.com/K4L0fXJ.jpg)
Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad! Son: Is she hot?
Old Man and his Babies
What a polite guy... I met Michael J Fox the other day. I only gave him a hi-five and he still shook my hand.
I made a ceramic sculpture of Mohammed Ali but it exploded in the kiln. It was gaseous clay
I wonder What happens when doctor's wife eats an apple a day?
What is the best city to stream a movie? Buffa lo
Finally my winter fat is gone... Now I have spring rolls.
What is the worst part about the Orlando massacre? Finding out that your son was gay.
Which space on a Battleship grid guarantees victory? I1
My wife came out of the shower and said, "I shaved "down there". You know what that means?" I said, "Yeah you clogged the drain again."
"A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others."  Ayn Rand Obviously He's never been a cotton plantation slave owner.
The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.
*Robber runs into Chipotle* GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER "Is this for here or to go?" Uh. To go "Do you want guac?" Sure "It's extra"
Honey can you buy me a new phone? What about the other one? He's buying me a tablet.
How do you become a kleptomaniac? You pick it up from other people
What do you call a pretend railway ? A play station !
Patient: "How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what?" Doctor: "Nine..."
What do the Patriots and Measles have in common? They both got to go to Disneyland, because some idiot decided to pass on something.
What's the difference between my meat and my wife? Nothing. I beat both.
Best Place to hide.. Where's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
Why are there no white chinese people? It's because two Wongs don't make a white.
The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.
What happened to the indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea-pee.
'Not Actual Game Footage' 'Translation' 'We put more effort into this advert than the actual game'
I told this girl I'd date the shit out of her But I guess she doesn't like coprophiles.
Following in David Bowies footprints.... Well, David Bowie the gender bender is no longer alive on this earth - OK Caitlyn, it's your turn!
What's the difference between an Irish guy dying in a play, and you getting laid? One's a tragic Mick...
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene] director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11
Just once I'd like to have the confidence to order something off of a menu without having to look at the menu while I'm ordering it.
If a 92 year old woman hooks up with a seventy five year old man. She's no longer considered a couger. That's a saber tooth.
For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday... ...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.
Why was 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 ganged up with 10 and killed 8 and 9
What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park your car, man.
How do you make a dead baby float? Root Beer and 2 scoops of ice cream!
Phone Women are like IPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond! Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
Thinking about your eyeballs under your eyelids and wet pulsing organs under your skin is a terrible way to try to fall asleep.
4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend. My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.
A little boy and a little girl are having a bath... When the little girl looks down at the little boy's crotch and notices his penis. "Can I touch it?" She asks him. "No! You already broke yours off!"
'Mum there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma ?'
Bareknuckle boxing is a little less manly... ...when you refer to it as "topless fisting". -&amp;y (again, tis written by me!)
*finds all 7 dragonballs *dragon appears* "WHAT IS YOUR WIS...OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK"
What did Barack say to Michele when he asked her to marry him? I don't wanna be Obama self.
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet-first? So you can see the look on its face. How do you get said baby out of the blender? Tortilla chips.
A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
If everyday is a gift, I want to know where I can return Mondays.
What do you call someone who is racist against Asians? Riceist.
(OC) Where did the frog say his family came from? "They are German and a tad-Polish"
A white guy, a black guy and a priest walk into a bar.. I immediately shoot the fucking nigger in his head, taking another dark coon out of the gene pool.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don't look like oxygen at all.
[diet journal] day 1: hungry day 2: hungry day 3: hungry day 4: ate neighbor
A book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame
A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... ...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.
I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.
I was lying in bed yesterday... I looked up and saw the beautiful night sky, the moon, and the stars. Then I wondered... Where the fuck is my roof?
You are from russia, right? I mean, someone said he is putin his dick in your mom tonight
Where do poor noodles live? In the spaghetto
How many French eggs do you need? One egg is un oeuf.
How did the Scotsman find the sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
How has Gordon Ramsey come to have so many children?? FUCKING RAAAWWWW!!
Hey, how about making a normal fucking face when you sing?
Why did Waldo only wear stripes? Because he didn't want to be spotted.
Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight Oh wait
if you love dictionaries so much why dont you Merriam
What's the best part of a boxer's joke? The punch line Found in BL magazine
HEY LOOK AT MY COCK!!! Isn't it a pretty rooster?
They say that dog is mans best friend ... ... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet
There are two things I hate in every politician: their face.
[interview] So what's a personal strength? "Honesty." And a failing? "I murder people who don't hire me."
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink Her: This is a funeral home Me: Without a snack bar
Why is North Korea so depressing? Because it ain't got no Seoul.
[couples therapy] HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart ME: *covering my Yoda doll's ears* Hear you he can, Karen
The Sad Life A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black and arrest the lightbulb for being broke.
Why is money green? Jews pick it before its ripe.
What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court? Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.
Why don't you see penguins in Britain? Because they're afraid of Wales
What do you call a child with no friends? A target
Reddit is so dark right now..... That it went to night school and got counted absent.
Girl I work with says to me, "Why dont you like Taylor Swift? Shes awesome!". Because I knew she was trouble when she walked in.
I traded five of my rolex wathces for a ballon animal... It really was a waste of time. (Sorry for any bad english and what not, nord typing)
If I stalked you any harder, you'd be a missing person.
If Donald Trump is elected president... there'll be hell toupee.
Two guys decided to rob a Calender from a Calender store They each got six months
What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable? the wheelchair
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget&lt;drops mic&gt; Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.
What do you call over the counter Viagra? Mycoxafloppin
5yo: I dropped my damn spoon! Me: Don't be using that word! 5yo: Is it a bad word? Me: It is.. 5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn "food scooper"?
How do you know when a guy is really in love with his girlfriend? When he starts using condoms with other girls.
My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like, "You're five years old? When I was your age, I was six"
I like my women how I like my steak.... Pink in the middle and not bloody. *I'll see myself out*
what's the most common allergy among gay men? Heeeeeeyyyy fever.
What's the best way to get a hold of Vin Diesel? IM Groot. : D Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvlj1u9S258
Islam? No. Is pork. That's not Halaled.
How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
Why don't they play CS:GO in the jungle? too many cheetahs
I'm so bad at math that the equation 2n + 2n is foreign to me...
I was walking along the road the other day when I saw a dead, baby ghost... ...however if I think about it it was probably a handkerchief
"Nobody move!" - 19th century photographer
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
My uncle is a farmer. Last year he won an award for outstanding in his field.
Why didn't the man go to dat place? Cuz dis-place-ment a lot to him.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads "creep" blaring out probably didn't help.
Why dont you need birth controls when having sex with British boys? They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
How do you blow up a Muslim's phone? Put it on airplane mode.
Why did the chickens cross the road? To get to their jobs at the Sony headquarters.
Why don't women need umbrellas? Because it doesn't rain in the kitchen.
Did somebody unplug Brazil's controller?
I still don't understand why my boss didn't like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Here's a Metallica joke for you. St. Anger.
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster
TRUMP: if elected i'll build a protective wall. I'll call it the great wall *advisor whispers in his ear* i'll call it the really great wall
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean
why do we only eat some of the animals I'm looking at you manatees keep being fat your day will come
You know you're the family addict when it's time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket
What do you call a Redneck Baker? Inbread
Yeah, Lisa "Left Eye" died in a car accident... Apparently, she was hanging out of the passenger side of her best friends ride.
If my wife made whiskey, I'd love her still.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
ME: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. GUY: I love that song. ME: What song?
What doesn't kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Did you hear about the guy who had to be exorcised? He couldn't pay the priest afterwards and got repossessed.
Why couldn't the blacksmith use lead to create the lock? Because it would have Lead(II) trouble.
What is Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg's favorite facebook game? Candy Kush.
Theres this one word I always stumble on when I try to remember it.... oh yeah, the word is forget.
What do you call an expensive circumcision? A rip off
Joke How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? Answer: you take the S out of Safe and the F out of way.
What is the world coming too? Porn.
Paul Walker was in Eight Below... ...and now, he's six below.
What do you call a black abortion clinic? Crimestoppers.
Why do people buy smart cars? Because opposites attract.
Today is the best day to propose to your girl... If she accept, its your luck! If not, tell her its April fools!
Why do animal rights activists hate NASA? Because curiosity killed the cat.
How do street drugs get into the prisons? Not really sure, but my best guess is that some assholes smuggle them in.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he won't be able to come to you.
It is said that wearing T-shirts make you feel cooler in Summer I've been wearing a dozen of them but it's still hot like hell. Damn.
What gets louder as its gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
she used to like me. boy: k girl: every kiss begins with k boy: too bad ugly starts with u! girl:... boy: apply cold water to that burn
A cop stops an electron for speeding. He says "Did you know you were going 100 mph?" "Great", says the electron, "now I'm lost!"
A Mexican magician says that he can disappear on the count of three. "Uno, dos...", he says before he was suddenly gone. He disappeared without a tres.
Frolicking: The act of licking afros.
[me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo? [the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?
Why does Tumblr hate symmetrical shapes? Because they can't even
I hate jokes about domestic violence They're too close to home
Jewish If a Jew celebrates christmas they're only Jewish.
Where do poor people live in Italy? In the spaghetto
Just cracked Forest Gump's password. 1forest1
TECH TIP: to prolong your iPhone's battery life, keep it surrounded by a small Druidic altar of oak leaves and blanched chicken bones #tech
[inventing humans] god: "they should have complete control of their tongue" angel: "um ok" god: "let me finish.. except when using scissors"
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them.
Did you hear they removed the essay portion from the SAT? Now it's just called the T
Some folks say if you go into a Halloween store late at night, you can see the ghosts of the Blockbuster employees who used to work there.
How did the Pharaoh feel after falling for a craigslist scam? Egypt
What is the difference between a Cat fish and a lawyer? One is a shit eating bottom sucker. The other one is a fish...
Sigmond called. He must be a cross dresser, because he wants his slip back.
What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.
So a redditor was on a date with his girlfriend...
Donald Trump What a joke!
What did the HTML coding dog say? Href Href!
Can't you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
What do you do to an Islamic dog that barks too much? Musl'im
"I think I have Ebola." "JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!"
Not only is today Leap Day, but it's also the 52nd anniversary of Family Circus first appearing in newspapers Wow, that's amazing. Just think about it. That's the same joke told 19,028 different ways
Jokes about menstrual cycles are not funny. Period.
Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business
Knock Knock Who's there ! Con ! Con who? Con unhinged !
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
How do you make someone holy? You beat the hell out of them.
What will happen if you went inside a black hole? I don't know either. It must be out-of-this-world.
What happened to the man who died from drinking Shellac? He had a *lovely finish*.
Why don't Greek people need sex? The government fucks them everyday!
How do you fuck a fat chick? Roll her over in flour and find the wet spot
A Jewish boy asks his father for 20 dollars... "10 dollars!? Why do you need 5 dollars?!"
I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation. Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.
I was just reminiscing with my friends about our day out at the clock museum... ...good times!
Why was six afraid of seven? because seven was a sixoffender
Roses are red.... Roses are red Violets are blue I suck at poetry Bacon!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it's always the same damn advice: "Lay off the methamphetamine."
*Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please.
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who know binary... Those who don't... And those who wonder why we don't use ternary instead.
What do you call a black man that flies an airplane? A pilot, you racist!
Save yourself from a sexual harassment case. If a fellow employee asks, "Do you know a place I can get Off?". They may just need some bug spray.
What do you call a fake pasta? An impasta.
I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go
With great power... ... comes a great electricity bill.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware? Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware? M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Anyway, the moral of the Chilean story is we now put a limit on the hider in the game of hide n' seek
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9 men.
Ignorant person: "You're Canadian. You live in igloos, right?" Me: "You're American. You live in McDonalds', Right?
I like my women like I like my coffee Wait a sec...I am gay
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can't carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Height Q: What is the height of honesty? A: A pregnant lady takes one and a half ticket in the bus Q: What is the height of dishonesty? A: She gives birth to twins
If I lived in medieval times I'd get laid a lot because "Would dost thou enjoy my penis shoved into thine lady parts? sounds fucking classy.
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits in your wife's jeans.
More valuable than Superman The clear history button in your browser has saved more lives than Superman.
Whats a statisticians favourite S Club 7 song? Reach For The **Stats**.
Lindt have done well this Christmas They've made a killing
I just passed my drug test My dealer has some serious explaining to do
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper 'please delete my internet history' into any hole on the computer
What did the Japanese stoner say? Toke yo
Has anyone heard the joke about the magic tractor? it was driving down the road and it turned into a field.
Breaking Science News: LHCb confirms existence of exotic hardons.
You know why people insisted on calling the Higgs Boson for "the God particle"? Because since the Higgs Boson gives mass to tiny particles, they imagined that it had to be a tiny priest.
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? So that he didn't fall in the hot cocoa.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store? Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alceste ! Alceste who ? Alceste to meet him later !
A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.
What do you call an abortion in the world of Mortal Kombat? A Fetality.
What's red and has seven dents in it? Snow whites cherry.
How many gears does a French battle tank have? Five. Four in reverse, and one in case the enemy is attacking from the rear.
Enjoy dogs while you can. One day they're going to evolve opposable thumbs and open all of our cupboards and shit
Ew, I bet people who call people hipsters as an insult don't even have a favorite kombucha flavor
Why did the solar wind start having hot flashes? It was experiencing magnetopause.
"I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.
Why's the sink depressed? It's been feeling drained
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? Because she's dead.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul. You should be fine, though.
Q: What's the Internet's favorite animal? A: The lynx.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means? Me: We have to be quick! *Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Stops rape every time Consent
What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail? Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.
Did you know diarrhea is inherited? It runs in your genes.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
What was Hitler's favourite air vehicle? heilcopter
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
What's Green and has 5 Wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels! Shnockers
Actual Mechanical Advantage(AMA)
It's recently come to light that Hitler didn't like oranges. He hated the juice!
My New Job I told my wife I had a new job in a bowling alley. She said 'Ten pin?' I said 'No, it's permanent'
my dad is like boost mobile. where you at dog? ;(
As a kid, I put snowballs in the blender to make a slushy. Snowballs was a good cat...
What secret organization does Pinnochio work for? Wooden you like to know?
When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?) you don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say? My little joke
Stripper joke (NSFW?) A man walks into a strip club and immediately gets some action from a stripper. He walks out, satisfied, and says, "Wow, what great cervix!"
What's Hitler's favorite aquatic animal? A dolphin
Dear Parents, Don't tell your little girl "He's only mean to you because he likes you." and wonder why she only dates assholes when she's older.
Why can't Mrs.Clause get pregnant? Santa only comes once a year, and it's always down a chimney.
I've been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Women wake up yawning while men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?? I think NOT
Whats Wolverine's favorite genre of music? Metal.
What did Sweet Potato Yahweh say? I yam that I yam.
What do you get if you cross a Mexican with an Irishman? A redhead who can tan.
i dont give a frick about your car's horse power i want to know about its other powers lets start with duck power
"Yeah, engage your core or whatever." - impersonal trainer.
When I'm backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
What's the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer? The taste.
What's scary, yellow, almost no eyes, has TONS of hair, and is constantly threatening to kill me if I don't suck it's dick? My Korean girlfriend.
Why is it easier to shit on fat people? More surface area
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So THAT'S where the clitoris is.
A guy who hates vegans, a guy who hates atheists, and a guy who hates people who do crossfit walk into a bar. And I know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.
"NO YOU'RE DRUNK," she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend's mom at family dinner.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
To add to the death toll in Paris, this post was enough. She thinks 9/11 is November http://imgur.com/WmkIubI
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
If I went house hunting I'd take a really big gun.
Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
What do you call a one-eyed deer? I have no eye deer...
So it looks like there was a paedophile ring operating at the heart of Thatcher's government. I don't know why everyones so shocked, they were well known for fucking miners.
[NSFW] What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts
What is a cat's favorite tropical destination? Meowi
Do you smell smoke? I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley... one was assaulted.
Do you know why they don't have 13th floors on most buildings? Apparently it's because most buildings aren't that tall. No, no that's fine I can show myself out . . .
Coldplay is doing charity work in an African hospital. They met a few jaundice patients. Chris Martin said 'It was great. They were all yellow'
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid's baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
If David Bowie were alive today... he'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"
A ball boy has been sacked from the world cup after saying to Wayne Rooney, "You can fuck off if you think I'm going looking for that one. "
2 guys walked into a bar.. You'd think the second one would've ducked.
So, my friend who hasn't slept in 24 hours just blurted this out... Confucius say, don't leave the chronic masturbator behind. Horny man may come in handy!
Did you hear about the overly-eager bread dough? In the morning he was always the first one to rise. He didn't want to be a loaf.
Hey should we dry out these grapes? I don't see a raisin why not.
"Let's eat, get drunk and watch people exercise"  sports fans
"millennials sure do love APPS!!" i can edit a movie on my phone. you used to harass women for recreation. go back to watching suits grandpa
What is Shaun Morgan's favorite food? Seether salad
It's sad going to McDonald's and finding out that a meal is happier than you.
Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
Curiosity actually killed my cat. Worst stripper ever.
Young lady to father "Daddy when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor " "Dentist" "Why father ?" "We have only one heart but 32 teeth!"
Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
"Male"-Sexual Don't worry, that doesn't mean I'm gay It just means, anything that comes in a mailbox... ...makes me want to cum in a mailbox.
Why should you always keep a firearm in the small room by your front door? Foyer protection
Yo momma so smart, that she left you under the bridge long time ago. (Yeap its 51% original joke)
I have a killer penis. Yeah, that's right. It's a mood killer. *sobs*
My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.
Serious question: If you walked into a store and saw an alien holding a bag of 12 butterflies would you play it cool or leave?
Knock knock Help
My hangover has been going on for so long that I'm beginning to wonder if Peter Jackson directed it.
Just want to thank my mailman for delivering my recycling directly to my house.
My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.
I read in an American newspaper last night "15 die in twister"... ...I don't think you're playing it right.
What did the fry cook do when he found out he was cooking burger patties made of feces? He flipped a shit.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My computer has a virus. It's called the common cold. It makes your computer freeze up.
I'm at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think 'bingo
A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.
"You must be out yo damn mind" = your behavior is very unorthodox and very contradictory towards my wishes
I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!! Only half the people turned up.
Dr Dolittle A little bird tells me that i may be suffering from Dr Dolittle syndrome.
What did Lewis and Clark only have one sack of on their expedition? Jawea
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you are telekinetic, raise my hand.
My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo. I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs.
My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each.
You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.
If American dogs dig holes to China, where do Chinese dogs dig holes to? Nowhere, slaughterhouses have concrete floors.
If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Easy question. Egg because they are white.
A little boy is having a bath with his father... The little boy asks, "Daddy, why is your willy so much bigger than mine?" To which the father responds "well son, that's because I have an erection"
What are some canned retorts that can be funny in many situations, like "that's what she said" or "let's not and say we did"?
If the only tool you have is a dildo, everything looks like its ready to nail.
What do you call a bunch of Mexican Stoners? Baked Beans.
what do you call a blonde that dyed her hair brunette. artificial intelligence.
Why doesn't Ted Cruz like doing laundry? Because he always fucks up the delegates.
I deliver packages, I came up to a house and a man was sticking his penis through the mail slot. He was giving me a tip.
That certain unfocusing of the ear that allows you to understand what Donald Duck is saying is also what allows you to understand poetry
What do you call a Mexican knight? The Chosen Juan.
nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
Hello it's 911, what's your emergency?" "Two boys are fighting over me" What is the problem with it? "The ugly one is winning."
So I was going down on this chic... So I was going down on this chic the other night, when I tasted horse semen, so I stopped and said, "Really Gran? That's how you died?"
What's the difference between America and yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.
I used to have S.I.D.S now I have PTSD :(
What do kids eat for breakfast? Yogoat!
What's your favorite color?
I want to die like dad  peacefully in my sleep. Not like mom  screaming in terror in the passenger seat.
Walnuts make my every cookie a game of Minesweeper.
My impression Of the fonz refusing medical treatment for mental illness in the 50's ....Lobotomy..... Loboto-u, eyyy.
VIAGRA BASAL SPRAY VIAGRA ANNOUNCED A NASAL SPRAY VERSION. WILL THAT TURN GUYS INTO DICKHEADS
Im not sure whats so 'outstanding' about this bill? It seems pretty ordinary to me.
I ask Google the questions I'm too scared to ask other people.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday's dinner date* *takes bite* *waiter from last night knocks on window* "how's everything tasting folks"
A man goes to the gas station ... and ask the guy who works there: "How much does 1 drop of gas cost me?" The boy stumbles: "Well euhm ... nothing I guess." "Thanks, I'll have 2 million drops then"
I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.
Someone keeps throwing cheese at me Yeah, real mature.
What is the difference between Trump supporters and everyone else? Trump supporters vote
What do you call a bossy potato... A dicktater
School in Canada makes non-vaccinated students stay home to halt the spread of measles. Better safe than sorry.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can't leave messages now. That's the kind of genius I am.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn't have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I pretend I'm on the phone when entering a barbershop & say "I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk " so he doesn't try to talk to me.
Finding Money Reaching into a pair of pants and finding a wad of money is a great feeling . . . . until the person wearing the pants starts screaming.
Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!
stupid knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there Little old lady Little old lady who I didn't know you can yodel
I have a joke that will make you look stupid. Oh. I see you have already heard it.
Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don't say 'Alexa'? Alexa: No, I only listen when you say 'Alexa'. M: Thanks A: Welcome M: Hey!
These days my boss has been getting on my nerves. See I'm a brick layer and he is always yelling to layer the bricks faster and faster... These days everyone wants instant stratification.
What is a ghost-proof bicycle? One with no spooks in it.
I got burned by a piece of metal on my pants when I pulled them from the dryer. It was a hot button issue.
Why do french tanks have rear mirrors? So they can also see the front lines.
What do you call something that's impossible due to physics? Physics-ly impossible. There's your dad joke for the day.
What is big, yellow and eats rocks? A BIG YELLOW ROCK-EATER!!
What did the necktie say to the hat? I'll hang around here, you go on ahead.
this nation needs a monument dedicated to its teens. how about a giant middle finger carved out of a mountainside
What do cutters and heroin addicts have in common? Long sleeves.
Today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Why can no one win at the Bangkok Olympics ? Because it's always a THAI game.
What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen? Don't take her out again.
Judge:"Since we can't prove who's baby it is we will ... cut the baby in half Worm Mom 1:"Sure Worm Mom 2 :"Ya do it.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They're both trying to screw everybody.
I like my women like I like my wine... 12 years old and in the cellar
The swordsman thought he won his fight but in fact His opponent feinted
How did the farmer figure out how much milk he had? He used cowculus!
Why did Snoop Dogg go to the store before he sculpted his statue? Fo' chisel.
What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND EYEEEEE..........
Saw some Mennonites playing Baseball yesterday All I saw was a swing and Amish
Coworker: got a second? Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Joe: Yes, that was me. Obama: Please stop. Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here. Obama: Joe... Joe: Nope.
What's the difference between a dilapidated, run down bus stop and a big breasted lobster? One's a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.
What do you call Murayan Sukumaran's new wife? A necrophiliac.
How do you get a fat girl in bed? Piece of cake
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes a long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...
What's the toughest type of pie? Punkin pie
To whom do agnostics pray? To whom it may concern.
Apparently my neighbor down the hall doesn't watch porn. She came over 20 minutes ago asking I could fix her sink and I'm still fixing it.
Sex is like bowling It can be great by yourself, but it's always better with multiple people.
Just realized what I'm putting on my tombstone. If you're reading this, I'm already dead.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I'm not sure if I'm going to bed, or to Walmart.
I know where you live In a house
As a professional standup comedian I never do self-derogatory jokes I keep my personal life away from my professional life.
Cheesy Christmas Jokes? Does any one know any really cheesy but actually really funny christmas jokes? short ones as they are easier to send? struggling to think of any myself
I think it might be a good idea to not buy gold right now. Is a statement that is bound to get gilded.
Shot pool with my 15yo son. Taught him a valuable lesson. You can restart a video game 1000 times. You can only lose your allowance once.
I asked my brother if he has a fetish for rivers... He's in denial.
Give a man a fish... ...and feed him for one meal. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Give a man a fire, he stays warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire and he stays warm for a lifetime.
Psychoanalysis is nothing sinister There's really nothing to be afreud of.
What was the shy rock's wish? To be a little boulder!
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but first the lightbulb must decide to change itself.
"Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!" -Mormon kids
What did the sheep say to the sheepdog faking deafness? "You herd me!"
'NO NO NO NO NO NO' - My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Fat, single and ready for a pringle!
Girl, are you Sodium Hydroxide? cause you basic.
Jeb! Jeb Bush: I hereby suspend my presidential campaign with immediate effect. Audience claps Jeb: You guys are assholes!
The nice thing about being a hypochondriac is eventually you'll be right, then die while going, "See? Told you."
Whats a potheads favorite vehicle? The cannaBUS.
Nobody gives a fcuk about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.
That depressing moment when you plug your phone in your charger and hours later you realise your charger wasn't plugged in.
Have you heard about the homeless assassin? Well... I don't know anything for sure. But I heard he's a roofless killer!
What was Viktor Frankenstein's favorite sport? Body building.
I was once a man trapped in a woman's body... But then I was born.
What do you call a skinhead underwater? An oister
Where do African cannibals get their food from? Blackpeoplemeat.com
What kind of fence goes on strike? A picket fence.
If I can't buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang  So I shot him..
Wife said she wasn't going to breadtfeed until after dar.. Sorry baby, today is the start of Mamadan. Edit: a letter
Whats the longest running Canadian joke? Terry Fox
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won't have to look for one when I become a ghost
Q: Who's the funniest girl you know? A: Lola.
Does England have a Fourth of July? They do, they just don't celebrate it.
No, wait. "King" is better. Yes, that's it for sure. "King of the Rings." It rhymes --Tolkien's suppressed last words
What idiot called them Ex-fiancees' and not 'Near-Mrs' ?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they're just like "lets stay here and move pots and pans"
I just found out diarrhea is genetic... It runs in your genes.
Last night an Afghan put a jacket on me. He said "You da bomb!"
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck.
What do you call Sting 5 minutes ago? Stung.
"It's said like it's spelt" is easy to follow Unless it's said by a Welsh person
How do you teach your dog to roll over ? Put him on fire.
If they put a woman on the $10 bill... Wouldn't it be $7.70?
What do you call someone obsessed with Japanese food? a weeafood
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
A man is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared." Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
What's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend? The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.
They're relea$ing two $eparate film$ ba$ed on the 3rd book in the'Hunger Game$' trilogy. I'm $hocked. Totally $urpri$ing.
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
A man went to a Library and asked for a book on homosexuals. "Go through the back door" said the Librarian. "That's the one" I replied.
He: "I'll catch a grenade for you." She: "Prove it." He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I ate pelican today Never again. The bill was massive.
What is the difference between period blood and sand? You can't gargle sand!
Sometimes an unfollow can be so therapeutic.
If an illegal immigrant sets fire to their arm Is it an illegal firearm?
I've just started an online dating site for Siamese twins. It's called Connect 4.
Know who I really admire? Stephen Hawkins. He is confined to a wheelchair, cannot use his limbs or his voice... ...yet he carries on without making a song and dance about it.
I'll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, "Nope. I'd rather stay out here."
"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes ? Nothing, somebody already told her twice"
A money-hungry man opted to change his name And the Rich get Richard
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics...
What is the only English word a French-Canadian knows? Sorry.
Why did the Mayor take so long to endorse a Presidential candidate? Because he was running on CP time.
Never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp, she's probably thick and tired of it.
Say what you will about hitler... At least he killed 6 million Jews
How does a train eat? It goes chew chew..
Running through a campground is impossible. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
all i want for christmas this year is to get off all social media forever
I realize I'm not good advising suicidal people I said "hang in there!"
Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won't ever ask about babies.
Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.
How does Thor's brother like to party? He likes to keep it pretty Lo-key
What do you call iron man and silver surfer when they work together? Alloys.
Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal? He ran his business on a skeleton crew.
What do you get when you cross Johnny Depp with Nicolas Cage? Johnny Cage
You can't be ugly and play hard to get, you are already hard to want.....
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Simple Math Problem How does one become a .666 Humorist? http://i.imgur.com/DVvbS15.png
How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama? One Mississippi.
Did you hear about the Mexican killer that owned trains? He had loco-motives
[Therapist's office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
TIL Bill Cosby was staunchly against the laugh track on "The Cosby Show." But the studio didn't know what Bill meant by "snore track."
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party He was looking for a tight seal
If a parsley farmer falls behind on his taxes, does the government garnish his wages?
[Doctor office] -How are you feeling? -Not good. -Any side effects from the medication? *cries tears of fire* -Now that you mention it...
Why don't Mexican's cross the border in three's? Because it says no *tres*passing
What is Justin Beiber's favourite Hozier song? Take me to Christian Bell.
My sister didn't believe me when I said I could drive spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
Two antennae had a wedding... It was alright, but the reception was amazing.
What is the best vegetable delivery vehicle in the world? An ambulance
Procrastinators be like; Sofa so good My attempt on pun
"Your honor-" No objections. how do you plead to cheating at heads up seven up? "guilty" no juice boxes for a week..piece of shit *mom sobs*
What's green then turns red really quickly? A frog in a blender
I guess now we'll never know if they were identical or fraternal twin towers :(
Greeks lined up for ATM? Isn't that kinda their thing?
That's the last time I buy underwear at a yard sale. I don't want to talk about it.
I don't get why people are allowed to say "Damn straight" But I get in trouble when i say "Damn gays".
My resolution? To eat like a normal person, as opposed to my old habit of hate-fucking my mouth with a fork.
Why did Hitler kill himself... ... Because he was being charged for the gas bill
What does a guy with a big penis have for breakfast? Well, I had eggs for breakfast.
What are you going to be when you get out of school? An old man!
I caught my friend watching gay Cuban porn last night... It was called Juan on Juan.
Apparently saying 'exist over there' while pointing is not the best way to greet people in the mornings.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If liquor stores ask for ID to prove you're old enough to drink, Forever 21 should ask for ID to prove you're young enough for those shorts.
They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
I don't think of women as just nice tits, a sweet ass, a pretty face or any single one of their parts... ... I think of them as a hole.
Define "Will" Isn't it obvious? It's a dead giveaway!
If you beep your horn .004 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off the car, lay on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.
I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.
I think my wife is suffering from Bulimic Amnesia She keeps eating and eating and eating, and then forgetting to throw up
If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day
What is the wettest animal in the world? A Rain Deer.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass? Mechanic.
Why did John Wayne get a weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question; feminists can't change anything.
Does it take more than one Mexican to screw in a light bulb? No, Juan knows
I illegally download music, but only Metallica. They seem to be pretty cool about it.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I'll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
So I was giving my gf the ghomeshi last night.... ^That is the joke and punchline all in one.
Why did the Hipster burn his lip? He drank coffee before it was cool.
"Its odd how the Church just lets pedophile's grant forgiveness" Anyway...thats why I'm not allowed in Confession anymore.
How many Police Officers does it take to handcuff one man? Nine, Eight to shoot him and one to say he was very dangerous
What did one skunk say to  another? And so do you!
I bought a female horse around 10pm What a night mare
Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call
So, two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... *Ba dim tish!*
Who had the best dinner with Megyn Kelly after the Fox Republican Debate? Dracula.
What do you call a one legged woman? Eileen
My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm too much of an environmentalist... Oh well, not many fish left in the sea
What's the opposite of an antijoke? An unclejoke
What happens When a Pigeoner and a Falconer move in next door Feathers get ruffled
I'm black but not " can't understand the Winter Olympics" black. Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.
A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another shopper walked up to it and started talking. Didn't I see you on a TV commercial? How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV?
Why do Java programmers wear glasses? because they can't C#
How Many Friendzoned Guys Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Whats the difference between Sarah Palins mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina
Have you heard the one about the jump rope? Meh... Just skip it.
What's the similarity between Hellen Keller and a sad pirate? Neither of them got to sea!
TIL Billy Mays served in the US military It wasn't for long though it was only 1999.
Another sad news on an international celebrity... Justin Bieber was found alive in her condo earlier today.
Kinda bummed that my pet goldfish died today of a bladder infection. Although to be fair, I probably should have realized something was up when the bowl kept overflowing.
Looks like Subway finally has a good excuse for their footlongs being less than 12 inches Anything under 12 is better for Jared.
A man with Alzheimer's starts telling a joke. where am I?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Police officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as confused as you are.
A game developer recently released a "rectal prolapse simulator"... ...they called it "Fallout".
FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a monster with one hand. SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can't! FIRST HUMAN BOY: Find me a monster with one hand and I'll prove it.
Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn't read a single one)
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk
How is my penis like a dead midget? They're both a little stiff
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus
Making writing mistakes is in my blood. Type O.
Tried to catch fog today. Mist.
*Eats a snack while making a snack*
You don't need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
A "gag gift" means something completely different to people into BDSM.
*juror stands up to read verdict* "we find the defendant v handsome and think that he looks great in the grey muscle vest he wore on Monday"
What do you call a Hindu lizard? A karma chameleon
What do you call two banana peels? A pair of slippers! :D
Why do you only need one egg in France? Because one egg is un oeuf.
I farted in a room of hipsters... and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving? Turkey
What's the difference between a garbanzo pea and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo pea on my face.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don't do that guys, don't do that.
READ THESE LETTERS IN ENGLISH FOR FUNNY PHRASE IN SPANISH 2 T N S L P P B N T S O
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre...
Being clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.
What do Hutts use to program computers? JabbaScript
What do you call a sick russian? A sicka blyat
Either this balsamic vinegar tastes like red wine or my liquor store really needs an air conditioner.
What do homeless people get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
Going to Forest Whitaker's house, but I can't tell if it's the one on the right or the left.
My ex girlfriend had huge tits Ahh such good mammaries
Scientist have created five monkeys with autism. They were promptly made mods of r/jokes
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Find the fresh prints
You know it's time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[NSFW] What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged
What's the first thing I will desperately need to buy after winning the Lottery New pants
Anyone that tells you beer isn't a solution clearly didn't pay attention in science class.
When is "shit" not ever "real"?
[break-in] BURGLAR: [cracks safe] COP: Not so fast, kiddo BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.
If you tell me you're a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you're referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye's baby.
Just remembered this one I made a few years ago How are the Mafia and the Amish similar? They both don't like wires
Here's one I been working on What does a book of stickers and your butt have in common? Scratch and sniff
Anyone ever seen Stevie Wonders house? Neither has he!
What do we want? ROCK HARD ABS! When do we want them? THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
What do you call a beach with crooked waves? [OC] A Scoli-ocean! (Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)
Death is coming to take a lawyer away The lawyer is weeping, "why now? I am only fourty!" Death replies, "not according to the hours you billed your clients".
What have men and spray paint in common? One squeeze and they're all over you.
A baby seal walks into a club. please dont hate me
Latvians don't know Fonz... ...they don't have happy days.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV's "Dinosaurs" were all different species of dinosaur
Why didn't the kayak owner and yacht owner get along? They didn't have ships in common.
A bit of Christmas Doggerel Oh, you better not shout, you better not cry, you better bite the pillow, cuz I'm going in dry.
Sometimes it's hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don't have a job.
Dirtiest joke ever told A pig rolled in the mud
How are women like snow? They seem really cool at first but then you're sick of them after a couple days and no one wants to be driving when they're on the road
What does a cab driver have in common with a pool cue ball? The harder you hit them, the more english you get out.
What dance moves do physicists do? the torque
As soon as the inauguration is over, I'm getting a position on Trump's ethics committee. I'm not political, I just need some quite time alone.
How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down
Next time you think you're weird think about how Walt Disney had a fetish for ducks and mice in high heels and shitload of mascara.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
I was playing the valve trombone today. I tried to put a mute in, but it charged me.
If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream "What the hell? You're almost 300 years old!"
When is it okay for monks to use e-mail? When there are no attachments
Me: Help Universe: LOL
Me: LARGE FRY! McDonald's Manager: Ma'am, you can't use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW Me: I WILL CUT YOU! *sirens*
My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my ipod. "I said, "It's for sound effects during sex." "He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?" "I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."
I graduated in zooscatology. "BULLSHIT!"
I tried to catch fog the other day I mist
What do you call two ordinary ghosts? Paranormals.
*scrolling through Liam Neeson action movies* Sigh, why are all the good ones either GREY or TAKEN
What's Captain America's shield made out of? What's Captain America's shield made of? Vibranium. What's Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.
I bought some expired gummy bears today. They tasted Haribo-l.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
What sound was made when a water truck collided with a vinegar truck? DOUCHE!!!
What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity? Making their wrist look like their jeans. (I'm sorry)
OMG a Matterbaby just washed up on Santa Monica beach! *"what's a matter baby?"* uh... nothing what is a matter with you?
"This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!" ME: *starts vaping*
There is no way alcohol kills more people than it creates
What do you call a stoner when horny? A weed wacker! - Now please post weed related jokes
How do you tell the difference between members of the GOP and ISIS? Skin color.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Sorry, my cat walked on my keyboard and accidentally typed something Welsh.
This is bullshit. I surrender my keys after 8 tequila shots and this cop is all, "Ma'am, you can't walk down Main Street in your underwear."
Yo Mama's so fat she uses an air balloon for parachute.
Knock Knock. Who's there? It's me Mario!
Why are lilypads round? So that it's easier for the hippos to jump on them.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ] "Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?"
Daddy what is a transvestite? "Daddy what is a transvestite?" "Ask Mommy, he knows."
Light beer is like having sex in a canoe... It's fucking close to water
I think mascots are the hardest roles for actors to play. They really have to get into their characters.
Condoms Two condoms are walking down the street, where they pass a gay bay One turns to the other and says "want to go inside and get shit-faced?"
I finally got around to getting a vasectomy the other day... but there hasn't been a vas deferens in my sex life since then.
Other silverware probably hates the large spoon that wears skinny jeans, Keds, and thick rimmed glasses. Nobody likes a hipstirrer.
If you ask me to review a restaurant, I have two answers. "The hamburgers are good." And, "They don't have hamburgers."
In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm riding a Big Wheel on the freeway? Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
What is Donald trumps favorite street? Wall Street *badum tshhh*
I can't afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Jokes . . . . I need some jokes to crack my ultra resistant friends, Please Help! P.S I don't care whether they are rude or not.
Anything I search on the internet just shows weird porn... What is the world coming to?? [ https://explosm.net/comics/2576/ ]
Why did hitler buy glasses? He could NOT SEE.
Why do cicadas stay up all night chirping irregularly, unable to sleep? Their cicadan rhythm is off
[At historic site] Guide: Questions? Me: What's the wifi password? G: I meant about 19th century life. M: Oh....Dost thou have thy password?
The Past, the Present and the Future Walked into a Bar... It was tense.
Hey person who wrote "WASH ME" on my car, I know it wasn't my car that wrote that. My car doesn't speak English. I'm onto you.
The bartender says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon walks into a bar.
A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
[OC] Hey, Reddit. Wanna hear a joke about a defective condom? Actually, never mind. You pricks would probably just poke holes in it.
Dark Jokes are like food. Not everyone gets it.
What's scarier than Donald Trump becoming president? Bernie Sanders becoming president.
Why was the professor cross-eyed? Because he couldn't control his pupils!
They say you can't tell a funny joke about terrorism, but you can. It's all in the execution.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed: 1. To surprise them with it. 2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I visited Detroit recently. I love the smell of the ol' factories.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction!
I had an appointment to get my gender reassignment surgery... ...but the doctor left me hangin'
*job interview* Boss: Give an example of when you've done something creative Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the application form
John Cena wakes up in the hospital He has no idea what is going on. A nurse walks into his room and he asks, "Where am I?" She responded, "ICU." He said,"No you don't."
I shot a turkey for the first time today... Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.
My girlfriend got mad and said she need some time and distance as she left the house crying... I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? You freeze it, put it on a bandsaw and cut it; "Meoooow".
If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, how many does he have? Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Girl 1: "Can I invite a few friends to your  Halloween party?" Girl 2: "Sure. The more the scarier!"
Why are uncircumcised people loners? Because they're complete dicks.
What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? The location of the dirtbag.
how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None
How did the mathematician reach the end of the Y-axis? On a plane.
Had a summer job helping to make art out of elephant dung. It was pretty shit.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don't know what's worse.
Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing
What are stories about oranges? Pulp Fiction
What did one cracker say to the other? "Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia."
Vampires are lost souls cause they can't just stop one day and look in the mirror and be like "What am I doing with my life."
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin He walks up to the host and says table for two please
Why do engineering majors refer to themselves "engineers"? You don't see literature majors calling themselves Starbucks baristas
"My research shows that vegetables triple in vitamin content when used as pizza toppings," said the awesome scientist in my imagination.
What's the difference between Mormons and non Mormons? The temperature of their caffeine
Why do dinosaurs climb trees? There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.
I love being a gynecologist I find that I'm always hard at work.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves... *Free*.
Two submissives sitting in a tree. N O T H I N G
I just found out today that they don't have television in Afghanistan... probably because of the Tele-ban...^Taliban, ^get ^it?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mine?
What is the difference between a philanthropist and Nicki Minaj? A philanthropist likes to impress people with his larg**esse**! :-P
Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public. Came clean in court.
What did the mountain say to the desert? "you're hot"
There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story...
Anal sex is like a big red button with "do not push" on it... You know you shouldn't, butt fuck it.
I just hired a new employee and he claimed it has been months since his last bowel movement. Needless to say one way or another, he's full of shit.
What kind of Pop do you cook with? Baking Soda
Thank you for telling me the definition of "many". It means alot.
I just thought of this while at a local hockey game. Why can't dogs play hockey? They always get called for roughing.
MICKEY &amp; DONALD IN A FOXHOLE Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot? A: Because Donald ducked.
What I lack in imagination I make up for in....stuff.
You've got to hand it to short people. Because sometimes they can't reach.
If laughter is the best medicine, Jimmy Fallon doesn't need health insurance.
What part of Canada do the Inuit control? Nunavut.
What are the magic words for making a spoiled asparagus edible? Impairagus Repairagus
I just bought a notebook with perforated pages... It's tearable.
I think about dance the same way I think about underwear. I like lots of ballroom
The other day I saw a sign on my street for a garage sale ...but I didn't go. I already had a garage.
What kind of shoes does Voldemort wear? Hor-crocs.
What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man!
Me: sorry I can't go to the farmer's market with you. Allergies. Friend: pollen? Me: hipsters.
I come from a mixed race family... My father prefers the 100 metres...and my mother is Pakistani.
why was 6 afraid of 7? fear of commitment due to a lifetime of disappointment and heartbreak
When's the best time to procrastinate? Later.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won't learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Q: How does an octopus go to war? A: Armed.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Anteater Kid: What's for dinner? Anteater Mom: Don't be a smart ass, Brandon.
What Did The Hard Drive Get When It Wanted Data But Didn't Have The Resources? A Cache-Advance
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I ate two pieces of string yesterday. Today I pooped them out and they were tied together.. ..I shit you knot.
Just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife. Best trade I've ever made
Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.
I'm gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family. Bacon Bad
"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"
What's worse than being 32 being turdy too
I have an abstract joke... But I just can't seem to get it.
The shortest route between point A and point B is under construction.
What's the difference between a millennial and a mutual fund? A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money
"How do we hide Superman's identity?" They asked. A man kicked in the door & yelled "With glasses!" & everyone started clapping for him.
When does 1+1=3? When you don't use a condom.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
I'm not sure why AT&T; dropped Tiger Woods. He just took advantage of his "Nights and Weekends" and proved "roaming" can be expensive.
What is the computer's favorite food? Microchips.
What's the difference between girls of our generation and peanut butter? One spreads easily and the other is peanut butter
Politics... ...
So you want to hear a joke My life...
"Dad, why isn't there chocolate meatloaf?" - my brilliant 3 year old son Patrick
A homosexual, a Pedophile and a Priest walk into a bar The bartender asked him what he would like to drink.
[prison] CELLMATE: what are you in for? ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Did you hear about the masochist who like cold showers? He took warm ones instead.
Have you heard of the band 150 megabytes? No? Not surprised, they don't have any gigs yet.
Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.
2 blondes are taking a walk in a park... One of them says: "Ouuh... look, a dead bird" And the other looks up and asks: "Where?"
My local gadget store has a great deal on devices that measure electric charge, but it's too far to walk. It's a coulomb meter.
Canadian Defenition Canadian (noun): An unarmed american with health insurance
Why couldn't OP make it as a standup comedian? Poor delivery.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her!
Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight? Me: Good point. *Grabs Kit Kat
So I was in bed with this woman and she said, "Not in the ass." I said, "Hey, it's my thumb, it's my ass. If you don't like it, go in the other room."  Garry Shandling
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Why does spider man so great with his stunts? Because he is Peter Parkour
Why do girls make a "shhhhh" noise while peeing and men don't? 'Cos men have a 6 inch silencer.
What do you call it when you stick a dried grape to the ceiling? Raisin the roof!
What do bees do if they want to use public  transport ? Wait at a buzz stop !
it's 2:36 am i'm hiding in my bathroom smokin bongs by myself ladies and gentlemen i didn't ask to be a winner , god just chose me to be one
Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
My legs are so white that they stopped listening to their Bon Iver LP to correct my pronunciation of 'quinoa'
How can you tell vampirism is a disease? On account of the coffin.
What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? A dog.
What has four legs a tail  whiskers and flies? A dead cat.
Why was WWI so short? Because they were Russian... Why was WWII so long? They were Stalin...
What do you call a Japanese Halloween Cake? Bookkake
Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
This month has five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays but only FOUR Mondays. You're welcome!
The Post Script by Adeline Extra
What is the difference between sack of dead babys and ferrari ? I don't have Ferrari in my garage.
A guy with a gun walks into a bar.. "Which one of you fuckers slept with my wife?!" A voice from the back shouted "I don't think you have enough bullets, mate"
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.
How did the underage mathematician get drunk? He put his root beer in a square glass
How can you instantly blind an Asian person? put a steering wheel in front of them
What song does a dwarf pimp sing? high ho's, high ho's, it's off to work I go
What is green and smells like pork? Kermit The Frog's finger.
Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie: "Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days" "Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days"
A man died while masturbating The doctors said he died from a stroke.
How can you tell a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all of the signs were there.
What did Hillary Clinton say when they took down her private email server? R.I.P. My Inbox
A man walks into a bar.. A man walks into a bar and says: "Hey bartender! I fucked your mum last night!" The bartender looks up and replies: "Fuck off dad, I'm working."
Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.
Why don't little girls fart? They don't get assholes until they're married! (My favorite joke to tell to un-piss off a pissed off woman after I've pissed her off with a woman joke)
It doesn't matter how much you move the envelope It'll still be stationary.
Why are Mexicans bad at UNO? They steal all the green cards.
Lost Elephants Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants" Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"
We should head on over to that schizophrenic party. It sounds like a lot of people are there.
I just had my foot run over by a rental car... ...fucking Hertz!
Did you see the President of Russia doing magic tricks outside? He was really Putin on a show
What did the Imam say after he was replaced by immigrants? They took my hijab!
Great! My hot neighbor Karen just saw me in the toilet paper aisle at the supermarket! Now she's gonna know I shit!
Blair Walsh tried to commit suicide after the game But he couldn't even kick the chair out from under himself
What spell does a Hogwarts student use when they pregnant? fetus deletus!
What are the two biggest lies a man will ever tell? 1. The check is in the mail 2. I promise I won't cum in your mouth.
My Cocaine Is So White Police Let It Go With A Warning
They say there are no stupid questions, but in every meeting there is one person who tries to prove this incorrect.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn't even notice I wasn't wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
A tropical joke Mangos into a bar.
Your cough sounds much better this morning? It should. I've been practicing all night!
X/y If Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner were to go missing, would they put his/her picture on a half n half carton?
What did the double dick guy say when the tailor asked him if he dresses right or left? Yes.
Why did the hippy drown at the beach? Because he was too far out mannnn.
When I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you would suffice, Not this "Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my house?!" nonsense.
A dog fell 15 stories into a hot tub and lived to tail about it.
When I go to my Profile Page I am so happy it says "That's You!" because I get confused easily.
Teenage Driver: But officer I'm a college man. Policeman: Sorry but ignorance is no excuse.
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field.
Limericks eh? There once was a fellow named Blair Who was having his girl on the stair On the 44th stroke The banister broke So he finished her off in the air.
What do you call a German with a bad attitude? Sauerkraut.
*at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good
Approximately how many cows does it take to stock a grocery store with beef? Most of them won't even show up to work, but if you can get them there, two should be able to handle the job.
What's a KKK member's favorite car? A crossfire.
Why does Martin Luther King like jam? Because God bless America
What do you call the unjust murder of someone? Out of the Blue.
I really hate stoners... They are so blunt about everything.
[picking name for new puppy] 13: Pixie. 16: Rosie. Wife: Annie. Me: BATMAN!
i absolutely cannot cook for shit but i was watching a child prodigy chef n was casually like "ugh, i don't kno about that sauce"
My husband: It'd be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner. Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.
What do cats eat on a hot summer day? Micecream!
What did the doctor say to the rude patient who was reluctant to get stitches from him? "Fine, suture yourself."
A guy in Egypt was caught red handed stealing but was still refusing to accept it so they threw him in the river. He's still in De' Nile.
I just successfully robbed a bank! Now what to do with all this sperm...
How many IT support techs does it take to change a lightbulb? "have you tried turning the light off and back on?"
I've been fired from work for putting in too many hours Clock manufacturing isn't as easy as you think ^(yes I thought of this after reading the shifts-keyboard joke)
Did you hear about the world's greatest ninja...? Me neither.
Why did Jesus cross the road? Somebody nailed him to a chicken.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock up your ass.
What happens when you throw root beer in the ocean? Root Beer Floats!
What is Chris Brown's favorite cooking appliance? A Black and Decker
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today... It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Q: What do you get when you put a bomb  and a dinosaur together? A: Dino-mite.
You know you're an Alcoholic when you can't even say the word "sober" without making air quotes
Guy walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm... "Honey. This is the pig I've been fucking for the last ten years." "That's not a pig, it's a duck!" "I was talking to the duck."
What did Lincoln say about his experience at Ford theater? He said it was mind blowing.
What's the connection between the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper? They both travel around Uranus looking for Klingons.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
God doesn't normally poop, but when he does..... Holy shit.
Date: Are you ready to take on another man's child? Me: yes Later- Date: This is.. *I knock her kid out with one punch Me: too easy!
When robots take over, information will be measured in terrorbytes. Just something I came up with =)
I was sailing a yacht with my stomach, abseiling
What's the difference between a stripclub and a circus? One has cunning stunts and the other has stunning cunts.
A better name for the Pope mobile would be a 'Christler'.
My dress sock/running shoe combo says,"I do most of my running after accidentally reply-all'ing a mildly racist response to a business memo"
Why did the turkey cross the road? Because he's in my belly and he has to go where ever I go from now on...
What does the Saudi executioner say every time he takes a head? [removed]
What do you say to someone who talked about you behind your back? You discussed me.
I was Hungary... ...So I Russia down the stairs, made a Turkey sandwich and had a chocolate Malta for dessert.
I get so excited every time I see an armored car but then, guess what, no heist.
Two fish are in a tank one fish looks at the other fish and says... How the fuck do we drive this thing dude?
My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.
What's yellow and lives off dead beatles? Yoko Ono
There are so many old jokes on this subreddit... Want to hear a new one? 1.
Anglo/German Dad Joke Q: What do you call an elf that's afraid of Jethro Tull? A: 10:45
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
Contact Ad "Seeking man with ponytail. Hairstyle doesn't matter"
For hire: Unemployed dwarf No job; too small
Soda joke Why was the CEO of Pepsi fired? They caught him with an ounce of coke in his system.
How can you tell if a woman's picture is photoshopped? She isn't standing in the kitchen
Funny shaped potato joke Q: What do you call a penis-shaped potato? A: A "Dick-tatter".
What do Hispanic weeaboos say on Christmas? Feliz NYAHHHH-vidad
How much do Rabbi's charge for their circumcisions? Nothing. They just keep the tips.
What's the difference between a singing bird and a bad prostitute? One's a happy crow.
Is there an app to delete your number out of other people's phones yet?
What do we want? A cure for Tourette Syndrome! When do we want it? Cunt!
What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a terrorist? You can negotiate with terrorists.
Three guys walked into a bar... the fourth one ducked.
Lying through your teeth doesn't count as flossing
A man goes to the zoo. There's only one animal. It's a dog. It's a shitzu.
My mother always told me to not worry about my health. It will go away eventually.
When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.
Why do Jewish people have big noses? Because air is free.. I'm sorry.
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were walking along when they saw a young boy. The Priest said to the Rabbi: "We should fuck him." The Rabbi replied: "Out of what?"
So as a society we will forever argue and debate over religion and political beliefs yet we freely accept that Mr. Rogers can speak trolley?
Never trust a depressed elevator. It'll only bring you down.
If Trump becomes president... Orange will really be the new black
What STD does a hip black man get? Kool-AIDs
technology My Grandpa said "Your generation relies to much on technology." I said "No, your generation relies to much on technology." Then I unplugged his life support.
I got pulled over the other day... ..I was pretty scared so I just hung my arm out the window to let him know im not black
What is the first rule of Woman`s fight club? Never tell anyone what are you so mad about
You guys hear about the pepper shaker that was attacked by the salt shaker? Apparently the salt shaker was arrested and charged with aggravated as-*salt*
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree? Wave!
Do you deliver? A man rings up his local Indian restaurant and asks, "Do you deliver?" And the man at the other end of the phone replies, "Nah mate. Just beef, chicken and lamb."
What's the difference between a Jew and harry potter? Harry can escape the chamber.
What do you call someone who really likes balloons? Autistic.
What did Jupiter say to Saturn when he found out Saturn was pregnant? Did you planet?
Using my son's raincoat as a hat so my hair doesn't get messed up. He's doing the cutest little shivers!
Hey, I'm human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Van Gogh's girlfriend.. Van Gogh's girlfriend was overwhelmed with emotion when he cut off his ear and gave it to her. She said, "Oh my love, why did you do it?" Van Gogh replied, "pardon?"
Easter is almost here. So to celebrate, I'm going to get nailed and hammered like Jesus would want me to.
Whats Lil' Waynes favorite pizza place? Little seizures
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I've just been poisoned
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today: 6lb11oz! Which is not the name I'd have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
A man discovered a new medication that makes people sneeze constantly. What did he tell people in order to make them avoid taking it? Eschew! Eschew!
How do you keep a idiot occupied? I will tell you how in my next post- Jk the answer's in one of the comments, look through every single one and you are destined to discover the answer.
Children in the backseat cause accidents. But accidents in the backseat cause children.
I went to the Zoo today. I was a bit disappointed, however, as when I arrived I found there was only one dog at the Zoo. It was a Shih Tzu.
What is the difference between a drunk driver and a high driver? The drunk driver will blow through a stop sign without even knowing it was there.. The high driver will wait until it turns green
What does batman like adding to his drinks? JUST-ICE
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you'd brought a knife.
Wow, the guy buried alive with weed in his pocket must be rolling in his grave right now.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? Someone who knocks on your door at 6 a.m. for no reason.
You always split up amicably if you date a mathematician. Because they always break up with respect to ex.
I'd tell you a joke about UDP... but I'm not sure you'd get it.
What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby? The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.
Being a hitman is very lucrative I make a living and a killing off of it
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't comin'.
I've only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I'll have plenty for retirement.
A man was asked to choose between killing an executioner and the man who rented him the noose and electric chair. He chose the lessor of two evils.
How long does it take a black woman to take a shit? About 9 months.
What do you call a squadron of baby soldiers? Infantry.
How do you know it was not U.S. that did the aerial bombing? Because the funeral, wedding and hospital were not the targets.
An original as far as I know If a pepper could orgasm, where would it ejaculate? Jalapeno mouth.
WHAT I ORDER: French toast WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die
It's hard to get people to visit me in Alabama because the trip 30 to 40 years back in time can be rather arduous.
The tree and the wind. What does a tree say after it gets knocked over by the wind? I went out on a limb.
Joke from my daughter. What is bruce banners favourite kind of potato? HULK'S MASH! no idea where she picked it up from, but it made me chuckle
Joke WHAT'S GREEN AND SMELLS LIKE PORK? -- Kermit's fingers Disgusting but made me giggle like a school girl bitch
What is your favorite Brian Williams joke? I was there during the big bang of the universe - Brian Williams
Why can't a W-boson get a girlfriend? He can't even last a femtosecond!
What's a chiropractor's busiest day? Throwback Thursday.
Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.
"I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you're getting screwed." - Car insurance commercials
"How did the Russians help Donald Trump win the election?" They made the Democrats deliver on their promises of transparency.
Wanna know how to piss off over a billion people on the Internet at once? [deleted]
Why british wete at war with nazi germany? Because they couldnt afford another Aryans stealing their tea.
A BLONDE'S SPECIAL PICTURE Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? A: So she could use it as a mirror.
If there's Noel.... ...then could a king be born in Israel? (If there's "No L", how can there be a king born in "Is-rye-L")
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
What's the difference between a radical and a moderate Muslim? A radical Muslim wants to cut your head off, but a moderate Muslim *wants* the radical Muslim to cut your head off. Bye.
If there's ever an apocalypse, you'll recognize me because I'll be the zombie wearing flip flops
I hate when someone I had sex with in High School sends me a friend request on Facebook. Request denied, Principle Anderson.
[mysterious British man rescues me] Me: How? Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Why are mexicans bad firefighters? Because they cant tell jose from hose B
What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire? Wedding cake.
Have you heard about the corduroy pillows They were so famous they made headlines.
Why did the comedian without a tongue lose his job? All his jokes were a bit tasteless.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot and all over my lap.
A piece of ham Ham is ham. The end
Threeway or gangbang If five pre-civil war slaves are gangbanging someone, is it considered a threeway?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Why are gay guys so good at moving? They are used to getting their shit packed
In the updated version of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis figures out he's dead when he sees his name trending on Twitter.
My girlfriend treats me like God... She shouts my name while fucking other guys
Pregnant elephant Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug? A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
Q: What do you call a running chicken? A: Poultry in motion.
what do you call a contortionist from the Philippines? A Manila folder.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later
There are 3 types of people in this world Those who are good with numbers and those who aren't
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EYEEEEEEEE
"I literally can't even!" -- White girl hanging a picture
I almost took part in a gangrape with some friends Good thing I'm faster than them
What's the difference between a republican and a democrat? How much damage can their Weiner make...
Why did Nietzche's Shop go out of business? He accepted eternal returns.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There's room for 2 more members Son: but there's 3 of us Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I went to the zoo the other day There was only a single animal, it was a dog. It was a shih tzu...
So a drum falls off a cliff... ... Ba dum psshhh!
Most 00's kids won't get these... Decent jobs
Shouting, "You're all pathetic idiots!" to freedom of speech protesters... Soon changes their tone.
What tense do Italians speak in? Pasta continuous.
The actor who plays Wolverine once owned a sea cow, but it was murdered... ...it was a crime against Hugh's manatee.
Dodger Stadium announces they are now offering a limited edition Duggar Dog... The wiener is so big you can share it with your sister.
How do you kill a fox? Cut off one of it's legs and make it run across Canada
I once had sex for an hour and 45 seconds. Thanks daylight savings.
Emotional Wedding I went to a wedding last week. It was very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers. (Credit to pigoletto on the FUNNY subreddit)
Just a little poem for all the night owls up right now. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Go the fuck to sleep.
What did the rude prism say to the beam of light that smacked into him? Get bent!
I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean A dell must be rolling in the deep
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn't going to get my floors washed.
Me and my Pink Floyd cover band played at an Epilepsy Awareness Concert... ... we absolutely killed!
What does the Rose iphone 7 and the Titanic have in common? They both lost Jack.
What did Republican Jesus say to the masses? We can't feed all these people! That would only create dependence.
Some say my wife looks like Mel B. Unfortunately, the B stands for Brooks.
My girlfriend told me to roleplay as her daddy. So I left her.
So I found out Viagra's pharmaceutical name. Mycoxafloppin
What do you call a black person flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!
I just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market, armed with nothing but a bag of gluten.
how much does it take for two octopi to laugh? 16 tickles because not asking for insurance is insane in the US, sorry to go out on a limb...
"How did you go in the exam on Nazi invasions?" "I blitzed it."
What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts? A ginger snap.
Why did jesus take 3 days to resurrect? He got hammered with his buddies.
I've stepped on a Lego before so I'm calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
What's the part of a book that's most likely to explode? The appendix.
I'm watching 'Dexter' for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.
Q: Knock knock. A: Who's there? Q: Control freak. Okay, now, you say, "Control freak who?"
What's the difference between Joan Crawford and an abortion doctor ? When Joan used a coat-hanger on Cheryl, she was already out of the womb.
What was Stalin's favorite chemical equation? HAmAr + SiCl
Why did the teacher cross her eyes? Because she couldn't control her pupils.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand A neutron walks into a bar, and asks: "How much for a drink?". To which the bartender replies: "For you, no charge"
My sister dropped her daughter at a nightclub last night. She said the drinking and dancing brought the labor on.
[OC] I've got a broken yo-yo for sale. Anyone want to buy it? No strings attached
Did you hear why Clippy stopped posting on reddit? He got .docxed.
What happened at the cannibal's wedding  party? They toasted the bride and groom.
I would like to work as a janitor in Microsoft. I could see myself excel in that job.
I shall play you the song of my people *stomach growls*
Stephen Hawking has finally released his new book about space. It's about time, too.
What did the angry dough ball say to the other dough ball? You trying to get a rise out of me! Came up with while I was making pizza.
I found this addvertisement along the road in Texas Don't Texan drive.
Mastercard Chinese Resturant Commercial General Tso's Chicken........ $11.50 Coca-Cola........ $1.99 Take out guy forgets container........ Riceless
OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.
What happens when you combine bleach and a girl dog? You get a basic bitch
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.. , but then I changed my mind.
As I looked at myself naked in the mirror I thought to myself... I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea in a minute.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Two grapes were walking down the street and one was assaulted. If that didn't make you laugh, it's because GRAPE JOKES ARE NEVER FUNNY!
what did a crab say to another crab on christmas hey sandy claws
What's blue and orange &amp; sits at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with burst armbands.
A blind man walks into a bar And a table. And a chair.
Takes a very specific type of confidence to drop off your hoodie at coat check.
The only time I seem to be able to count on people is when I nail an abacus to their heads.
I can't believe my kamikaze joke crashed and burned like that!
Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks? ...his pants fit like a glove.
"Now That's What I Call Soup!" - Guy who came up with the name Now That's What I Call Music looking at yogurt
Q: How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? A: With a pumpkin patch.
*eats pizza out of box in bed *falls asleep *wakes up next to leftover pizza Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I met this guy named Times New Roman... But he just wasn't my type.
Use Angie's List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
What do tampons and white women have in common? They are both stuck up cunts.
What do you call a man who excels at fishing? A master baiter
What's the difference between a ruble and a dollar? One dollar
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
knock knock its me hitler and i have to poop, end of joke.jpg
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I've just found out that one of my best friends is a mime artist. He kept that quiet.
An asian asks for help at an airport... Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30." Airplane help guy: "fluctuations." Asian: "fluck you americans too."
[Batman in tears] Catwoman left me Oh no what happened?! I left the door open and she just bolted
What do you call a seafood restaurant that generates its own power? A fission-chips shop.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone's gaydar.
Did you guys hear that Lorena Bobbitt was recently involved in a traffic accident in L.A.? Apparently some prick cut her off.
There are 2 things I hate in this world People and hypocrites
I had a dodgy dwarf do a bit of casual building work for me. He asked to be paid under the table.
Cop joke A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
What do you call it if you put an IED on an Italian? Rigatoni!
Today I asked the gamer what his new year's resolution is. He said "1920 x 1200"
Pluto: You dumped me, now all you do is drive by real slow and take pictures
Whenever fat people tell you they are on a diet, it just means they started dabbing their pizza with a napkin to get some of the grease off.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
What do you call it when someone relies on sleep studies for a profession? a rem job
Jesus walks into a motel He gives the guy at the counter 3 nails and says, "can you put me up for the night?"
How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond? Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.
Why didn't the USSR get anything done? They were Stalin
What do you call a police officer's favorite metal? Copper
What do you call a bunny with a bent dick? Fucks Funny
Why did the John leave the Brothel? He was sick of the hormones! (whore-moans)
How many chores can horny maids do? 70. Cooking and 69.
What do pirates and pimps both have in common.... ...they both say "yo ho" and plunder the bootie! Compliments of my gf :)
Apparently Hooters is a great place to meet single dads on a Sunday.
I hate when the urinal auto-flushes while I'm still using it. Did I just cease to exist? Am I back now? If not, where am I peeing?
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller
The Size of my Penis is Very Private It's information that should be kept between me, my doctor, and his wife.
What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath
What's 72? 69 with 3 people watching!
Q: How many apples grow on a tree? A: All of them! ARRRRGHHHH FUCK YOU POPSICLE STICK JOKE
What does Godzilla do part time when he's not destroying cities? He flips houses
Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.
Last night I slept with my contact lenses on. My dreams have never been clearer.
What did the fish thief say to the cops when he turned himself in? I gillt was killing me.
When does a joke become a Dad Joke? When it leaves you and doesn't come back.
What's the most sensitive part of a man's body when he's masturbating? His ears.
All these idiots at the gym obviously don't know that it takes more muscles to frown.
Why is it that in girls tampons commercials they're always laughing and dancing? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burning stuff down?
A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lion's mouth" the vet told him. "How do I do that?" he asked. "Carefully" replied the vet.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer...
Insert racist joke here... Change location of joke to Ferguson.
Some terrorists are flying over France, what do they do? They go parachuting.
Driving a BMW is like show and tell every day. Where you're Showing off how small your penis is and you're Telling the world.
You say I'm handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven't had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and  then turn around and come home?  A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
What does an egg say when he gets turnt? Om lit cred: my friend DaMexicanBurrito from playstation.
Helen Keller walks into a bar and a table. And some chairs.
1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say "My wife is out of town, I miss you". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do we know Mayberry's Andy Taylor was a Redditor? He had sex with Opie's mom.
A Jewish kid asks his Dad: 'Dad, can I have 50 pence please?' The father replies: '40 pence?! what do you want 30 pence for?'
1 out of 5 dentists just likes being a dick.
How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none. That's a hardware problem but have you tried turning it on and off again?
If I ever need an amber lamps really quickly... I'm going to call a tow truck instead.
If you ever find yourself being attacked by a gang of clowns... ...go for the juggler.
WIFE: You can't tell kids they're grounded anymore ME: Why not? W: They weren't our kids M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
A sandwich walks into a bar... the bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
What do you call a lawncare company owned by a promiscuous lesbian? Hoe Mow
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side
I asked my phone what its favorite joke was: What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time? "One day my prints will come."
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Punch her
A member of the undead said I was prejudiced against his kind... It's simply not true. I have lots of wight friends.
I'll make the punchline, you create the set-up. And that's how I found out... what toxic shock means.
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just pass a law against light bulbs and then wonder why it's dark.
This man is frank and earnest with women... In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. - Henny Youngman (for a Monday morning pick-me-up.)
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums? Norman Rock Wells.
Today I checked my privilege... [] Privilege
A skeleton goes to the bar and says "Can I have a pint and a mop..."
"Does this mean that we're going to be BFFs forever?
Q: What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose? A:Sweetheart!
What's the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
How come my wife can't hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?
Volkswagen upset a lot of people by not using AdBlue in their TDI engines... ...they really took the piss out of clean diesel.
Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it. Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.
A blind hooker tried to give me a BJ once she said I had the biggest penis ever. I said "Ha, you're pulling my leg"
Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I'm hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie.
I accidentally subscribed to the "married man" edition of Playboy. It's got the same centerfold every month.
I like to have sex in the kitchen so she doesn't have to walk to far to make me a sandwich after. You know, because I'm a gentleman.
What is the longest sentence in the English language? "I do."
The first rule about mime club... Is you don't talk about mime club.
What did the chicken say before laying an egg? Yahoo. There goes my baby.
I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as "senseitational"
I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife" Then they both ran away
Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King? He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.
[getting a massage] Me: I have tension in my lower back. *therapist begins* Me: Lower. Me: Lower. Th: But that's your a- Me: Lower!
What is black &amp; blue and definitely not up for sex? The new girl in the women's refuge.
what is the difference between a crook and a politician? A crook will steal before he runs, a politician runs before he steals
My wife called me an alcoholic, and I was so taken aback I spilled my drink... But I was able to wring out the placemat back into the glass, so everything's ok!
If she's on top... You're fucking up.
Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your Job still sucks
I bet you haven't heard of this new movie Constipation... ...it hasn't come out yet.
What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
I should have seen this breakup coming.... The nicest thing she ever said to me was, "Oh wow, that car almost hit you."
Did you hear about the skywriter's autobiography? It was way over my head.
Why did Hugh Glass go to the doctor? Because he felt grizzly after months of unbearable pain.
No, really, you should definitely reblog fifty more versions of that "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster.
I hear you are what you eat Must be why I'm such a child
Two psychics bump into each other on the street... The first one says, "You're fine, how am I?"
[rolls down car window] "Sir there's a baby on your roof!" Wait, if the baby is there... [sees coffee strapped in car seat] Oh thank god!
xpost from /r/tellmeajoke TMAJ that includes "shotgun" and "paring knife"
There's only one vampire on Sesame Street... At least, only one that counts.
I'd hate to play baseball with the witches from Macbeth. Because I don't like playing baseball with girls.
Have you heard of McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
I will put you in your place. -me to everything because OCD
A boy asks for a pink ping pong ball... a boy comes downstairs and asks for a pink ping pong ball. "don't you start that again." says the mom.
What does deaf, mute and blind person get for christmas? Cancer
Can't believe I was once a child who fought taking naps.
I was going to tell a joke about maize... But then I decided it was too corny.
Can't you see I'm on an important phone call with a host from QVC?
I go to the gym religiously Christmas, and maybe Easter
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don't think there's a jury in the world that would convict me.
What does a Hot Pepper and a Prostitute have in common? Your dick burns like hell after you stick it in. Side Note: I just realized how much I love prostitute jokes.
What happens to the cannibal who is late to the party? He gets the cold shoulder.
CRABS THINK WE WALK SIDEWAYS
Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off? He's dead.
Did anybody hear about the the peeping Tom who was caught? He was beaten up so badly they sent him to the ICU.
Did you know that Princess Di had really bad dandruff? They found her head &amp; shoulders in the glovebox.
I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you.
A Disney joke not for the kids "How many thingamabobs does Ariel have?" 20? "Twenty-*one*. She got the last one when she wished for legs."
Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls
I just found out they made a heart-shaped dairy-lovers pizza Too cheesy for me though
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
What is old and ugly and can see just as well  from both ends ? A witch with a blindfold !
My GF's jokes. #1 What type of car does James Bond drive? 00-Sedan
Why do stoners love couches? Because of their 'cush'ions!
What would you say about someone who li kes to tell cancer jokes? That he has a sense of tumor (Courtesy of twitter.com/sorryforthelolz)
This whole Target credit card theft is a real nightmare For this reason, I only buy stuff with credit cards I find in lost wallets.
what do you call a pair of scratchy balls testickles
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Why do dyslexic children get nothing for Christmas? They are writing to Satan.
Why did the baby fall off the swing? It had no arms.
I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.
She : It's not working between us. He : Why ? She : For starters I can't handle your silly jokes. He : Hmm okay and for main course ?
P is for psychic.... Pumpkin squash!!
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My wife told me I had to choose My wife walked in and told me I had to choose. Her or reddit.... I'm sure going to miss her.
What did the mod say when he was wrong? [BANNED]
Why cant Helen Keller drive? She's a woman
How did the little pig win at Monopoly? He built hotels on Pork Place.
The cops arrested my phone yesterday. They charged it with battery.
All these "reposted" jokes are not really reposted They are just procedurally generated
Customer: Do you have bacon and eggs on the menu: Waiter: No we clean our menus regularly.
I would tell you a joke about UDP... But I'm not sure if you would get it.
*Sees son doing homework* What u doing? "Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u
Using the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," only shows that you're unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
How did Canada get its name? They had a bag of letters, and one person announced as he picked each letter out " 'C', eh, 'N', eh, 'D', eh".
My phone auto corrected Donut into Donuts. I never felt more proud to be an American.
Dad says he's practicing Tai Chi to learn how to align his 'Chi's Now, he says, he just needs to learn how to align his crackers, and he'll be able to make a perfect party platter.
A police man saw a black man beating up an old lady. Why didn't he do anything? Because he wasn't racist!
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie. Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring
[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] "please go skiing with me I am so alone"
Why don't Europeans have foot fetishes? they use the metric system
Ever been in the shower, already late, when you feel that colorectal peristaltic action and think "Damnit, I don't have time for this shit!"
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can't make it snuggle.
Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp. 'How did you find the steak dinner?' she asked. 'With a magnifying glass!'
9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund.
The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? Step one: Open the door. Step two: Put the elephant in. Step three: Close the door.
Why did Hitler like his Adidas's? They were made by his distant relative.
And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."
Beethoven must've hated his music... Sure he spent a lifetime composing, but so far he's spent centuries decomposing.
dentist was flossing my teeth & said "they're very tight" & I said "yeah they're homies" & he laughed so loud that it made me uncomfortable
Why did the scarecrow receive a prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What is a rock's favorite band? The Rolling Stones.
Don't look for a job in a funeral company It's a dying industry
Hope you don't mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
Today I saw "Jesus doesn't care about your grades" written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was "Thank god, he'd be pissed"
What's the difference between an spam and a personal attack? They aren'tt tolerated on thsi subredit
I tell people to have a great weekend at noon on Mondays hoping they won't talk to me for the rest of the week.
My friend said she was taking next week off to be with her new puppy. I said, "You're taking mutt-ernity leave?"
What is more powerful than God, more evil than the Devil, poor people have it, if you eat it, you will die? Diarrhoea
I think my roommate might be gay his dick tastes like shit!
-Why didn't you answer your home phone? -Because I'm walking the dog. Don't you trust me? -Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.
Why did the angel lose her job?  She had harp failure.
Wife just changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Better go see what she wants.
Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer? Because the grass tickles their balls.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine. Edit: Wow guys. Thanks so much for the upvotes, the hilarious comments and I finally got my 1st gold!
Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet? They never want to log off.
What did the armless warrior say to his opponent before battle? You're about to meet da-feet!
If I had a quarter for every time a homeless person asked me for change I still wouldn't give him any
You hear about the guy who was accused of jerking off with hand soap for his erectile disfunction? Well, he finally came clean.
What's better than getting a gold medal at the paralympics? Having legs.
SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! CAT! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! MAILMAN! SQUIRREL! ~ Dog Acing Rorschach Test
What's A Jew's Favorite Kind of Drink? Concentrated.
What makes you sweat during the summer? A sweater.
Seriously mam there's a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos
Why was everyone scared of 7? Because 7 was a registered six offender
What did Alyssa the duck say to Henry the beaver? Quack quack!
Why do Palestinians have faster computers than Israelis? They have RAMallah.
Hey dude, want some sodium hypobromite? NaBrO, I'm good.
Achilles thought his job interview was going well until they asked about his greatest weakness... Then he had to admit defeat.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.
What does amnesia mean? Someone told me but I forgot.
The midget vampire woke up from his 100-year slumber His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".
My superpower is turning "never again" to "ok, one more time"
Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5? Because it was pi-rated.
Do you need an arc? Cos i noah guy
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.
You'll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
What did Cinderella say while waiting for her photos? Someday my prints will come
You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only  3 cashiers.
Why are all smart Mexicans guys gay? Because they do their essays.
Instead of taking The "N" word out of Huckleberry Finn, take it out of the brains of millions of bigots.
Two cannibals are eating a clown And one says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
What do mathmeticians do when they are constipated? Work it out with a pencil
I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. "Sure" she said So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Thanks to Twitter I now consider 140 characters "literature".
Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway. Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to yield right of way.
I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: "How the hell did you get into my house?"
I'm dressing up as Bernie Sanders for halloween I'm going to take the candy from the rich kids and give it all to the poor ones
Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid? Cause i ran into him the other day and he was asking about you
I had sex with a terrorist once. She said I was the best Jihad.
whats the Mexican version of whack a mole? gua-ca-mole
What did the unused dough say to the baker? Why don't you knead me?
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?  Run!
Why don't you take a shower with a Pokemon? He might Peek at Chu!
Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.
TIFU: My wife told me she wants to get a tattoo on her lower back. I told her to get one of a beautiful young woman so I'd have something to fantasize about.
An inmate went messing, and his cellmate, a cannibal, claimed he had eaten him The warden didn't believe him, so the cannibal finally threw up his hands out of frustration.
Did you hear about the vampire at the circus? He went straight for the juggler
I'm gonna write a book about the Amish... its really a hit or Amish.
What does batman add to his tea? Just ice.
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98% /r/Jokes
[fire] EVERYONE REMAIN CALM. Use the stairs. DO NOT use the elevators. We're on the 12th floor... *sigh* I guess I'm dying in a fire.
What's an epileptic persons favorite pizza place? Little Ceizures.
All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? Their balls are just for decoration
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Why did Snoop Dog go to cinnabon? Fo' Drizzle
Interested in: ( ) men ( ) women (X) food
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynocologist? One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
"how did your husband die?" A mixture of marijuana overdose and homosexuality. r.i.p miss you every day.
Was told to fuck bitches and get money. All I got was charged with bestiality
ENEMY: can you smell that? That's fear. ME: the baked goods? ENEMY: no. focus on your fear. ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Reddit, how do you ruin a punchline? [removed]
Q: What should you do if windows crashes cost you a lot of money? A: You should bill Gates.
When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become? Lone Lee.
Why did 10 die? Because he was in the middle of 9/11
i am not jesus Jesus can wallk on water..,, correct? Yess! Well,.. I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So I am 98% Jesus. ;)
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
A bunch of kids from the varsity Minecraft team bullying an athletic loser who brought a football to school.. Visions of future war
Lucky I didn't get caught... I was nailing this chick in the park the other weekend. And I was so lucky not to get caught. Supposedly crucifixions are illegal these days
The greatest trick the devil ever played is emailing you & then sending an "out of office" notification when you reply like 30 seconds later
What is about 6 in long, has a head, girls love to blow it, and is in a guys pants? a dollar bill you dirty minded people!! LMFAO
what's brown and sticky? A stick.
What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say? I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.
On dates, if a man says the past tense of "see" as "I seen" instead of "I saw," I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
My ex just followed me on Twitter. That said: "Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary." *BLOCKED*
A friend of mine asked if I could give her the definition of a double entendre... so I gave it to her.
A girl walks into a bar and ask the bartender for a double entendre so he gives it to her.
What do spinach and butt sex have in common? If you were forced to have them as a kid, you probably won't like them as an adult.
Mumbling along to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming up and you're gonna own that shit.
I'm not a racist.... I'm not a racist, Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people. Also Whats black and doesn't work? Half of london
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress up her as an altar boy.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Frozen Barbie on a Stick ...in your grocer's frozen food section
I'm a paranoid narcissist... I'm afraid no one's out to get me!
"Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!"  Women logic.
I was arrested for punching an elderly African-American lady at Home Depot. My wife told me to find a Black N' Decker.
Which of the following does not belong: a) Gordon Lightfoot b) Helen Reddy c) Donald Trump d) Celine Dion b) Helen Reddy is not associated with a sinking ship.
The Real Iron Man (Chemistry Joke) My dad and I were talking and figured out who the real Iron Man is. Ferrous Bueller
[after tee ball game] Wife: we brought snacks for the kids. Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Why is it called Armageddon? Because everyone will be *ermahgerd*'n
When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said "man, I'm just happy to be breathing". I told him he should have bigger aspirations.
Maybe teenagers just aren't strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was? George Lucas.
Be good to yourself, you're all you've got.
Why was the hobo sad? Because he was in a great depression.
Nothing is as effective as homeopathy -Peter Serafinowicz
I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later. He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.
The word Diputseromneve' may look ridiculous... But backwards it's even more stupid.
Made a sex robot out of the Xbox and now I'm at the free clinic getting this red ring of death looked at.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Hitler was hunting in the forests of Germany, but he forbade the harming of male deer because... ...they were Reichstags.
Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...
Would bet there's a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car ...
What were the redditor's last thoughts at suicide-bomber camp? Wow, this really blew up, thanks guys!
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? When you get a divorce you get rid of the whole prick.
I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid... I can stop whenever I want
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a reddit user? your mother
"Balls." said the queen. The king laughed, he had to.
How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb? Hippies can't change anything. And they smell bad.
It's sad that some of you need to berate others to feel better about yourselves. Idiots.
If you cut down a hundred trees, you are not a lumberjack. But if you suck one dick, you are a cocksucker.
Liverpool FC
How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man... I mean... Just asking.
People who tweet in riddles need to know I'm not Batman.
I bought "extra whitening" toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Why'd the Mexican cross the road? He took the chicken's job.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Got a HJ ("handjob") from a FRUIT! [NSFW if you can't have handjob jokes @ W] He gave apple and made me kumquats!
If I was Baltimore's head coach I'd probably just say "That's so Ravens" after every play.
I used to be addicted to deli sandwiches ...but I quit cold turkey
My favorite drinking game is that one where you drink every time you have access to booze.
No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with
I joined /r/NoFap Never thought it would be this hard...
You know what sucks? Vacuum cleaners
Why didn't the pirate get into the movie? It was rated rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Definition of laziness : It's a talent of taking rest before you get tired..........coz prevention is better than cure
Why did god give women two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time.
I'm such a bad golfer, I found a job in the dessert I'm guaranteed to find water.
"To Kill a Mockingbird" "Oh, I just used a slingshot."
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly. ~Superglue, probably..
What's Pao's favorite Chinese dish? Infant children.
If you are American when you go into the bathroom... ... and you are American when you come out of the bathroom. What are you while you are in the bathroom? European!
Something came in the mail today deez nuts
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips. Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic. Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
The rotation of Earth always makes my day. Makes my night too.
Damn girl, you're like the first slice in a loaf of bread Everyone touches you but nobody wants you.
"This tofu tastes like chicken." No one believes you dude.
I tried eating a clock earlier.. It was really time consuming
You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.
What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag? The Miami Heat flag.
"Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?!?" "Same thing that bag is doing in your tea."
Facebook should have a I Don't Give a Shit option next to the Also Block iRL option next to the Would u Like to Send a Nuclear Bomb option.
Why do Redditors post pics of East Indian food? For that sweet, sweet Korma...
What's similar between The Mafia and a Pussy..? ...I haven't been in either.
My friend Dave drowned yesterday his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.
It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.
Person A: Do you know the shelf life of Cocaine? Person B: I don't know Person A: Nobody knows. Sniff
Whats Darth Vaders favorite alchohol? Darth Jaeger
Why does everybody like South Korea more than North Korea? Because North Korea has no Seoul.
I think I lost an electron I'm feeling pretty positive though
Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? It's pointless just like this post
First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you  with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no girl that was my supper.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
There are 10 types of men... Half of them understand binary, half of them don't.
What do you call a good looking canyon? Gorge-ous
Why aren't burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!
Just Got The New Note 7 I guess you could say its pretty lit.
What do you call a Chinese guy with a large penis? Hung Kong.
What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Fresh Jews.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
What is the difference between a middle school boy and a high school boy? The middle school boy just wants to snatch a kiss.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!
What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking? "I set WHO free?"
What do you call a gay Jew? He-blew
I like my coffee like I like my women ... Hot, wet, and all over my crotch.
Can a match box? No but a tin can. (sorry)
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
How do you know the devil is white? Because he owns hell, he doesn't work for hell.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their  dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Michael Jackson's latest autopsy report states that he didn't actually die at home. He died in the hospital - he was found in the children's ward having a stroke.
Recently after a night of fun my SO asked... "How do you shave your balls?" After thinking for a few moments I say "Carefully"
If con is the opposite of pro... ... then congress is the opposite of progress.
So a man robbed an underwear store... ...and the perpetrator was arrested briefly.
There are two types of people in this world :) and (:
If Lebron's so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.
All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic. Why can't I find a happy medium?
Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn't eat.
How did Steve Jobs die? From PC
I miss the old days. When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.
For those with kids who love Frozen..... Knock Knock. Whose there? You. You who? You Who, big summer blowout! (Norwegian accent)
How does a cow kiss? Smooooooch
Yet another Yo Mama joke Yo mama so dumb she thought "Ping Pong Balls" was a Chinese STD.
Who do you call a stupid whore? Your mother, that is who i call a stupid whore
What do you call a dancing cow? A milkshake
Now that the snow/Ice storm on the east coast is over The Center for Global Warming Research will re-open today at 9:00am
My girlfriend just text me that she really hates periods... I told her without them, life would just be one long run-on-sentence
What's being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.
Did I ever tell you the story about Lola? I wont do it with family around.
Nuclear programs are always for peaceful purposes. Drop a nuke on an enemy and suddenly they're peaceful
If storks bring white babies, and crows bring black babies, what birds bring no babies? Swallows.
I like my women how I like my candy bars... with nuts
How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Let's go ride our bikes.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don't know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
So I asked my wife, were you faking it last night? She said: no I really was asleep. (I heard this from Gazzo on Penn &amp; Teller: Fool Us)
Study says that 1 in 3 people suffers from short term memory
There's a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
My grandfather told me he closed one eye whenever he saw a jew in the good old days... He was a sniper
A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, "I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."
I married an amputee last week She single handedly changed my life
What do a Prostitute and a politician have in common? they both take money for lip-service.
Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married. Or settle down with a couple of kids.
I was thinking about making a sodium joke ...but Na.
"Harry Potter" is pretty much "Sex And The City" for people who will never have sex, in any city.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
"Now officer, hear me out: alcohol is a depressant and cocaine is a stimulant. Therefore, mixed in equal parts, I'm basically sober!"
Sitting in my car eating McD's, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: "Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat.."
The sperm is swimming towards the egg... The breakfast is ruined!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Michael J Fox SMH
Dr: do you know why you gained weight? *Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele* Me: no, better run some tests
Relationships are just anteing up on each other's crazy until one person decides the pot is too big and folds.
Illiterates won't understand this joke.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.
I have an original joke. Just kidding. I couldn't find one to repost.
I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!
What kind of gun does a firefighter have? A water gun.
What did one dick say to the other dick? Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.
[NSFW] I remember the first time I said the work "fuck" and my dad heard me... He walked into my bedroom door and I said: "Dad, go away. I'm trying to fuck in here"
Why were all the rednecks sitting around an ordinary potato waiting for it to talk? It was a CommonTater I just made this up I swear
Why was my boss surprised to see me screwing with the IT guy? They said IT couldn't be done
Jurassic Park Jurassic Park II Jurassic Park III Jurassic Park IIII Jurassic Park IIIII [this fence is taking forever]
Wife said since she got bangs she misses her eyebrows. I told her to think of her bangs as one big eyebrow. I shouldn't talk anymore.
What do you call five black cars that all crash into each other? A three car pile-up.
What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife? Ceasar
Coke is like porn you keep coming back for more! :)
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun* Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other* 4: I didn't pee the bed daddy! Me: Me neither! *big hug* It was a big night for both of us.
My penis is only two inches From the floor
why did the scarecrow win a medal? because he was outstanding in his field
Why should you never high-five a Roman? They might give you Hi-V back!
"There is superstitious....... writing on the wall..." No Stevie, that's just the wood chip mate.
Sometimes I bring maracas to a meeting just to shake things up.
Today I saw a Japanese man rushing to the elevator The door was closing, so I held it open for him. He replied with, "Sank you". Why did he have to mention Pearl Harbor like that?
What did the Pope say when a cougar crossed his path? Oh my gosh I almost Puma pants.
Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel? Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.
3 nuns, and a nude guy... A guy in a trench coat walks over to 3 nuns, and takes off all of his clothes. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun had a stroke. The third nun passed out.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Kim Jong Un called me an asshole. I retorted back that he doesn't have an asshole, which is why he is so full of shit.
His dick is like shopping for food at whole foods. It doesn't matter how much I get, or when I get it. I always feel fucked.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I lost my job at the calendar factory. My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? 'cause she's a woman!
I'm not a good cook. At Christmas my family got together and bought me a stove that flushes.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping? Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!
Came up with this years ago while waiting for my mom to wake up that morning. What happened when the bike ran over a nail? It popped a wheelie.
What's the difference between a black dad and a elevator? A elevator can raise a kid
A light joke. So I had this crazy dream where I weighed less than a thousandth a gram. Yeah I was like 0mg!
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre So he gives her one.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I have a real super power of stopping bullets with my face... once.
I lost my mittens and my girlfriend today. One might say that I'm in between gloves.
I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick
Lif is too short.
Hello? 911? Could you warn the Byzantine empire that Leo VI is going to die next year and they should appreciate him while they can?
Joke of the Day 6/11/14 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
What is Santa saying to Mrs. Claus right now? I told you it would rain, dear.
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?" The German says "Nein, just one"
I have more memory of my conception than I do of last Saturday night... though sometimes I really wish my parents hadn't done porn.
I was wondering where the ball went then it hit me
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me you fat slob?"
I asked Yoda: "Are we going the right way?" "No, backwards, I am going."
Gay jokes are not funny! Cum on guys!
What is Apple users favorite movie? No Escape
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog? A mist conception.
Why non-smokers don't take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
How do you know when the drummer has shown up for band practice? He won't stop banging at the door.
if I were a serial killer, I would target people who scream when they sneeze
If you surround yourself with people who are full of drama, don't bitch if a shitstorm is always blowing through your life.
A jew just won the nobel prize. what do you say to him? congrajulations Edit: do those who downvoted know the real spelling of congratulations ?
How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?  He became a vegetarian.
Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!"  DMV interview process
What is a Detective's favourite pastry? The Tooth Hurts Donut!
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run? (Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos) Me: I have shin splints
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those "plane clothes cops."
Why did Tony cross the road? To get to the other side. He then turned around, stuck up his middle finger and said, "Hah, you were all expecting a joke, and all you got was an Anthony joke!"
Kick the can If you don't have a can, you can just play "kick the can't"! Joke courtesy of my dad. Obviously.
Who is the only superhuman Frozone can't deal with? Thor.
Mouldy sausage? What is green and smells like pork? Kermits finger.
When the machines finally take over, prepare yourself for Pope Prius the First.
Know why the number of rape cases is rising? Cause they keep saying " NO! ".
What did the U.S airdrop the the children of Syria? Dead parents
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? Ones fun to smash with a sledge hammer the others just a fucking watermelon.
God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.
I got kicked out of the library today I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section
Does a dolphin ever do something by  accident? No they do everything on porpoise!
Why does Hitler wear boxers in the winter time? He already lost one nut, he doesn't want to lose another!
Start presentation with joke My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide...
I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, "awwww..."
What did the winner of the not moving contest get? Atrophy
A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting... Who says they can't integrate into American culture?
I like my women how I like my coffee Sealed in an airtight bag in the freezer
What do you call a business that doesn't sell Apple's sea monster? A bus
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They got 6 months each
Star trek predicting future technology? How do we know apple won't be around long? Because Captain Picard uses an android.
How do you stop a North Korean tank? Shoot the guy driving the cardboard box.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have 'daddy issues', but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Why are setups to jokes so important? because seven ate nine.
"I'd tap that." ~tap dancer, about a song he really likes
I want to open a resturant called "I don't care" So I could finally go to that place my girlfriend is always talking about.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won't eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I'll hold. Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Wife leaves: Ok. Wifi leaves: NOOOOOOOOOO. I can change!
If you guys don't hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it's because he's spending Father's Day with his family.
How do you get to Oktoberfest? Follow the lederhosen.
What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.
A Zen master once said to me, Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.' So I didn't
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see its smelly friend Knock knock Whos there Chicken!
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist? art
If you don't call your spouse "wonderful" when you're on a game show, you're legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I tried to make a movement supporting lossy music compression... but I got a lot of FLAC.
Whats the best part about dating a Black girl? You don't have to worry about meeting her Father
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet? Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.
Grandson convinced his grandmother to make an email account. Grandson: Look, Grandma. Somebody already sent you an email. *(Click)* Grandmother: Why would I want to enlarge my penis?
Why did the black man cross the road? Because he saw the chicken cross the road and wanted to deep fry it.
What's the worst single thing you could do to someone? Start dating them
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? Q: How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? A: He could feel his presence!
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
What did the owner of the gay bar do when his joint was full and he couldn't seat all of his customers? He flipped the chairs over.
I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Why should you attend someone's funeral although you know they won't be attend yours back? Because they will be at your funeral in spirit
George R.R. Martin writes Game of Thrones books... ...and makes a killing out of them.
Last night I met a hooker who didn't know the first thing about business the customer comes first.
My girlfriend's keyboard broke, and she sent me this message. "HelpmyspacebarisbrokenandIwouldlikeanalternative" What the hell is a ternative?
Our gold fish jumped out of his tank and the dog ate it.....I feel like there is a life lesson here but don't know what it is.
Women are like concrete.. You've gotta keep 'em wet and moving 'til you're done laying it.
Slept with my internet date... Got a virus
Why are all Quaker truck drivers stuck in the 1980's? Q:Why are all Quaker truck drivers stuck in the 1980's? A: Because they are Haulin' Oats!
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it... ...does a hipster buy it's album? Not mine but I love it.
*beep TSA: here try again *beep TSA: here try again *beep TSA: here try again ME: WTF? TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here's your pants.
How does it feel to be out of coffee? Depresso.
If I had a dollar for every time I said a racist comment, I would have 0 dollars Because some black guy would have robbed me
Dad said he met my stepmom outside a strip club... "But Dad, you said you met her on a golf course!" "Exactly. We weren't inside a strip club."
My mum said that if I don't get off reddit and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
When my wife was giving birth to our child, I asked the doctor... - When can we have sex? He winked at me and replied - My shift ends in 10 minutes, let's meet outside.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
What's better than roses on a piano Tulips on an organ.
"Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..." "We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.
In terms of sausages... Hitler was the wurst.
The UK could be the 51st State. It'd just be like moving in with your grandson.
My friend said he wanted to live in a hole I said gopher it
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that's what I can see from under my desk.
I like my coffee how I like my women... Not black.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Why are all these prostitutes advertising? And what the hell is an egg cunt anyway? [OC]
My girlfriend asked me why we don't make love like they do in the movies.. So I ripped off her clothes, fucked her in the ass and came in her eye. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Kayne West gets arrested Officer: "Okay, Kanye you get one phone call." **Kanye Dials Phone number** **Officer answers** Officer: Hello? Kanye: Put Kanye on the phone.
Sexxist much? Q: how do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow? A: give her a shovel.
There was a blackout in our neighborhood The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
bones found on the moon..... ....apparently the cow didn't make it ?
How do druggies store their data? LSD Cards.
Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off you wonder where her tits went.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. Its a shitzu.
It's hard to tell a joke to a kleptomaniac... because they're always taking things literally.
Not saying you're shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue? Jews.
So, tell me. Why do Russians go crazy over pho? Because... they are so viet *ba dum tss*
What kind of bee can never make up its mind? A maybe
Time flies like an arrow ... Fruit flies like a banana
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It'll take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid.
What did the number zero say to the number 8? I like your belt
There are 10 kinds of people in this world... those who understand binary and those who don't.
People ask where I see myself in 5 years But I always tell them that I don't have 2020 vision
Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom? He was sick of all its shiitake.
The next time I hear a racist or sexist joke, I won't stand for it!! I'll sit because it's much more comfortable.
Tryna get into bondage But I need someone to show me the ropes
I'm still drunk with power after a Jehovah's Witness asked, "'Can I ask you one question?" & I said, "I think you just did," + kept walking.
So my Orchestra conductor keeps telling the Violas to play louder... I guess it just isn't their Forte. ;)
How does a Facebook employee greet each other? Hey there, whatsapp!!
I hate when people text 'call me'. I'm going to start calling people, say 'text me' and then hang up.
What's the difference between having a boner and being cyberbullied? One is getting erect, and the other is getting e-wrecked.
I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop. I'll show myself out.
If you are from Spain... You are caught between a rock and a Bard place. Edit: Rock= Gibraltar Bard place = England (Shakespeare=bard)
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don't turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
I was so happy when I got my first pubic hair! But instantly saddened when I realized it was just my penis :(...
What is the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? A rooster says "cock-a-doodle-do", and a prostitute says "any-cock-will-do."
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I like my beer like i like my violence. Domestic..
Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish. That the police would never find her body.
what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*
Police are on the lookout for a magician dwarf who escaped prison. They're looking for a small medium at large.
What's the difference between a pothead and a gay Muslim? Potheads get stoned by choice.
Man with premature ejaculation seeks understanding woman. Nevermind, I'm done.
I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite & it's straight to the ER for me.
French tanks have 6 gears for going backwards and only 1 gear for going forward In case they get attacked from behind
What's the national bird of Iraq? The drone.
Ba ba black dude, have u any weed? - Racist nursery rhyme
How did the Jewish alcoholic survive The Prohibition? He-brewed.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? - me introducing my kids to strangers.
Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it's definitely NOT the thought that counts.
So a special type of animal that can turn into food does not cross something. What a CHICKEN!
[before sex] HER: did you bring protection? ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
A blowjob makes your day, but anal makes your hole weak.
I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name me: laser guardian
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife died. Also; what is Forest Gump's password? 1Forest1
Donald trump, Hillary and Black hole, what do they all have in common? They all Suck
Why do Canadians like number systems greater than Base-10? Because 7 8 9, A?
why aren't there Olympics in Mexico? Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the border
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
So I have half a joke about a guy, Who is really shook up about his Parkinson's diagnosis... But I just cant quite put my finger on the punchline.
A man got a fortune cookie without a fortune.... ... well that's unfortunate
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.
Where did the glue go on vacation? Nowhere! He just stuck around!
How do you get a philosopher off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."
Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border at once? Because the sign says no trespassing.
Tinder - Indian Edition Heard about the Indian edition of the Tinder dating app? No matter how many times you swipe, it keeps showing the same (arranged) partner.
Don't be sad if you don't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day Most people don't have AIDS on World AIDS day either.
He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up
My wife said to me, "Would you rather have sex with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?" I said, "Yes."
If a genie granted me 3 wishes I'd ask for unlimited wishes, then I'd probably take a nap
How does a Welshman find sheep in tall grass? Irresistible.
How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex. I pissed on her.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship? Let's get on the ship, men!
What did the child with no hands get for his birthday? Nobody knows yet.
Dammit I hate when the bus breaks down and I am far and away the most delicious looking passenger.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. Five. One.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says "Your sister wouldn't have missed that."
My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife's name just so he could sleep on it.
So Ron Jeremy... ...makes his money with his penis. I've also heard that his penis is so long, he can suck it himself. Which means that Ron Jeremy can literally put his money where his mouth is.
Here's a promise - if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I'm not paying for a damn thing.
I went out for a vindaloo last night and my arse is really sore today I can't believe some of the things I do for a free curry.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? "Look grandpa, no hands!"
What does a black man get after sex? 15 years - life in prison.
That Old Man An Old man knocked on my door and asked for the donation towards the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Jared Fogle is pleased sentence is under 18 years.
A redneck walks into a bar with a huge pile of shit in his hands... and says,"Hey, look what I almost stepped in."
dog and the fly what did the dog say to the fly stop bugging me looool
When my teacher wanted to see an example of a ringed molecule... I got my arsole out.
Yesterday, I got a fortune cookie that said: "Help! I'm stuck in a cookie factory!!!"
What does a nearsighted gynecologist and puppy have in common? A wet nose
Astronaut: Dave, that's not necessary in zero-G. Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an  anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were "First!" in comments.
What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema? Miss most of the film!
What is a redditors worst nightmare? [removed]
what do you call a duck addicted to drugs ? A quack head
I have a really good joke about pussy ... but redditors don't get it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I tried to catch some fog the other day... Mist.
I caught my friend licking my tv today. So much for the high def LSD screen.
I viewed a house with period features My wife hates it when I call her that
My grandpa died in Auschwitz He fell down from the watchtower.
Why did Ahmed Mohamed get delayed at the airport? he was on a watch list...
One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.
What's the worst part about having Comcast internet? Loading...
Mommy monster: Don't eat that uranium.  Little monster: Why not? Mommy monster: You'll get atomic-ache.
I was going to make an anal joke... butt fuck it. I know I know I'm a terrible reposter. I'll see myself out.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
A vegan took my picture. It was hard to smile saying, "Gluten-free, dairy-free, imitation monteray jack soy cheese."
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn't that discount apply everywhere?
How do electricians meditate? Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm
School is the foreplay of life You can't rush it.
Why are black people always wrong? They have no rights.
Why is there no gang violence on the space station? Because it is a zero G environment.
Why did the Cook cross the road? because there were "Too Many Cooks".
MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you  not to eat with your fingers? Use the spade like everyone else.
90% of her body A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
My son just hugged me. Him: You smell good. Me: Like what? Him: *sniffs* You smell like love. Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Parachute for sale: Used once. Never opened.
how long does it take for a woman to reach orgasm? who cares?
At my funeral, I'd like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[Giraffe Weatherman] "Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but *giraffe lowers head* on the ground we're still looking good."
What do you call it when you accidentally drop a flower? An oopsy daisy.
3 Chinese mens Name Chu,Bu and Fu went to America illegally They decided to change their names to sound American Chu change his name to Chuck,Bu change his name to Buck and Fu got sent back to China
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you're Italian. (I can say this cause I'm Italian.)
I don't like referencing Not et al.
Why are Donald Trump's books always do confusing? Because they start at chapter 11.
For what it's worth, I'd like to exchange some foreign currency.
What would call it if all the cars in the country were pink? A pink carnation.
What has four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler on a playground.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
The dishwasher is making a strange noise. Probably because she's outside shoveling the driveway.
A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.
What's the stupidest animal you can find in a jungle? A polar bear.
I don't always tell Dad jokes... But I've been saving the best ones for twenty years, and we're going have such a laugh when he comes back with those smokes!
They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer So I pushed Steve off a cliff, just in case it was him.
*judge bangs gavel* Ok let's reconvene after a quick 20 min recess *immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match] ME: Ok listen up guys [all the other players look at me] ME: Is....is anyone else cold?
Why do SJWs hate dentists? Because they want to make teeth straight and white.
son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today? *puts hand on sons shoulder* if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u
I like my women like I like my Starbucks Sack off
Whats the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
How do you get the guitar player off of your porch? Pay for the pizza.
I want to make a joke about my eye doctor. But it sounded very cornea.
sometimes when i'm doing my taxes i'm like maybe prison would be easier
Me: I like that... Me: *looks at price tag* .... Me: I don't like that anymore.
What do you call a faucet that won't give water to gay people? A sbigot.
Two retarded people are having sex. I guess you could say they were going downs on each other.
What did the baby Jew say to the Mohel hooker? Keep the tip
I spend so much time in strip clubs that when the pizza delivery guy arrives I put his tip individually around his pants & then slap his ass
What do Native American pubescent hipsters who would like to join a group often say? Clandestine.
I've had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I'll chat, and I'll chit chat, but I'll never just chit.
I used to repost stolen comedian jokes and try to pass them off as my own. I still do but I used to too.
Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.
If Women Ruled the World
Kids here's a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning
Why was the baby in Africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
Abortion jokes aren't funny Cut it out.
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
Arteries have a special place in my heart
An electrician comes home at 2 am.... His wife asks, "wire you insulate?" He replies, "watt's the problem, I'm ohm aren't I?"
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
I'm good at self deprecation, But I used to be better.
What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.
Him: I just got stung. I'm allergic. Grab me my EpiPen. Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I tried changing my facebook name into Stephen Hawking but it said the username is invalid.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
What do you call a dog with no legs? I doesn't matter, it won't come when you call it.
how to comfort a grammar Nazi: Pat their shoulder and say, "Their, They're, There."
Joke What did the egg say to the moon
If I got in a fight, the first thing I'd do is take off my shirt so he could see the scars where I've burned myself ironing. He'd back down.
I'm such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.
People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
What is the difference between a Muslim boy and Tim Cook? One doesn't get arrested to make shitty watches.
"woofwoof, woof" -my neighbor's dog telling me his views on politics lol you gotta look at both sides tho fam
I told this girl that I was an architect. It's true in a way, since I now have to design an intricate web of lies to back it up.
"He died doing what he loved..." I'm not dead "Interrupting my jokes"
My mother gave me her old dildo She said it's been in the family for centuries.....
What do you call a pest from the moon? A luna-tick.
What is headache ? 5 minutes talk to wife.
Going to a wedding today: Me: Do I look ok boys? 6: You look fine. 9: You look wow. Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
What happened when the Ape won the door prize? He didn't take it - he already had a door!
Calculators are useless What I need is a calcunow
I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break. Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.
I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.
why did god create the yeast infection so women could see what it's like to live with a miserable cunt
Reddit Jokes are so stupid! See what I did there?
Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
Someone asked me if I'd found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true) Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is 'to die for'.
My friend told me this hilarious joke about Parkinson's last night But I don't want to tell it because I'm a little shaky on the details.
What do you call a lesbian chicken? A sticky beak!
Any golf jokes? Was hoping you guys would have a few golf jokes for when I play my first game tomorrow. From PG to R rated is fine with me ;)
Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.
I'm 97% sure President Reagan would be riding a horse through the Middle East right now punching terrorists in the face.
How many cops does it take to push a hooker down the stairs? None, "she fell".
What do particle physicists like to drink? Pina colliders.
My mate needed a bit of help building his clock. So I gave him a hand.
Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying "I want to help Arsenal win trophies." So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?
Where did Little Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus? Your funding revoked by the ethics board.
What do they call the Hunger Games in Africa? Tuesday.
why isn't there an app called enablr that allows you to crowdfund your bar tab
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*writing classic song* Damn, I have the "For he's a jolly good fellow" part repeating three times but how am I gonna wrap this bad boy up?
What's the difference between a middle school flute player and a dress maker Dress makers tuck up frills
I like my jokes like I like my burgers. Cheesy.
Why did the Nazi cross the road? to get to the geno-side.
Do You Like Wendy's? Well you're not gonna like it Wendy's nuts are bouncing off your chin.
I don't like generalizations... They all suck.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? A lot. Many Hans make light work.
How do they dance in Arabia? Sheik-to-sheik (cheek).
Kim Kardashian's starts a new political party, and names it Popular Back
How does a ghost start a letter? Tomb it may concern.
My scale is broken. It only seems to go up.
How do you have sex with a fat chick?! Roll her in flour and tickle the wet spots.
The Pumpkin Spice Gang ~An over caffeinated pack of basic white girls that can do things with a selfie stick that you didn't think possible.
Whats black,white,black,white,black,white,red? A nun falling down the stairs on her period.
Still shocked that people kill themselves without first eating nothing but cheesecake for a week, THEN killing themselves.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says... "Does this guy taste funny to you?"
Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom
That awkward 3 second lap dance you get at the movies when someone walks by you.
I don't always eat breakfast But when I do, I have dos eggies
What's the difference between an American and a moldy piece of bread? The bread has more culture.
How was your trip to Israel? This month they had Sukkot (the festival of tabernacles) It was pretty "in tents".
For Sale: Parachute Never opened, slightly stained.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers' dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
What kind of water do you put into a waterbed? Spring water
What's the new French flag look like? A white cross emblazoned on a white background!
Which Donald Trump quote is both racist and misogynistic at the same time? No Juan has more respect for women than I do.
Why is it tough to make it as a pornstar? Because the competition is stiff.
What did the terrorist say as he walked into a classroom with a clock strapped to his chest? Allahu Clockbar!
This is Bullshit. Since when is dressing for the job you want, not the job you have considered "impersonating an officer"?
Kidnapped ! by Caesar Quick
I noticed that you're still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
When Dianna died, the British put up a memorial All France got was a slow down sign
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? To find a tight seal.
Who is the greatest Jewish cook? Hitler.
If you aren't a Nazi right now, thank a veteran.
Pen A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
What is a lesbian's favourite Liam Neeson film? Snatch
Guns don't kill people. Dying kills people.
I was quite surprised to learn that there are 47 ways to spell..... Prime Minister Netanyahu.
What do you call a Tardy count for a school of water bears? A tardigrade!
Why is modern porn so awful?! What is that clitoris drum-like slapping?! What do we teach our kids?!
Two women sitting quietly.
I knocked over a horny marine on the motorway the other day. I was driving on the hard soldier.
I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.
Why don't women need watches? There's a clock on the stove.
I have a girlfriend Not sure if this is really a joke, but everyone laughs when I say it.
A little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? The father replied, "No, some begin with - If I am elected.";
For all you World of Tanks players: what does LTP stand for? LeichtTractor Premium
RICK AND MORTY SEASON 3 RELEASED! Just not in this dimension..
What's the hardest part about walking through a field of dead babies? My Dick.
What do you call a man who can't stand? Neal
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to "your place", take him to Target.
Al-gebra is a mysterious organization. There are lots of unknowns...
S/O to side walks, my legs, elevators, my arm, and my eyes For keeping me off the streets, helping me to stand up for my self, picking me up when I'm down, giving me a hand and showing me the light.
[Dinner date] I'm a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I'm kinda a momgirl "You mean tomgirl?" Don't talk with your mouth full.
Did Donald Trump make the right choice when picking his running mate? It de-Pence on who you ask.
I got gas for $1.08 today... ...too bad it was from Taco Bell.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick.
If you make fun of Rod Blagojavich's hair, there'll be hell toupee.
Jacob Sartorious must have been born on a highway Because that's where most accidents happen.
Why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend? Because...bros before hose!
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I was at a bar last night nursing a beer But I stopped after an hour because my nipple was getting too soggy
"When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: 'Oh, two or three'. She wonders why her marriage didn't work.
Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway
Whats bigger than your balls? The moon
Hey guys, I just saved a bunch of money on my flood insurance by not having any.
"Oh Shit, Was That Today?" an autobiography
How do you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife's clothes
Where do Mormon deer call home? Salt Lick City
Two clowns are running for public office... It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.
Kleptomaniacs really don't understand jokes Because they always takes things literally.
No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out. protect your credit card guys :)
Food Fact: PringlesTM are actually shavings from the AllpringleTM, which resides in the center of the Earth
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I'm a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off And that's when I realized it was a cop car
I think my girlfriend has had 61 lovers before me... Because she calls me her sixty second lover
What is the difference between a strip club and a circus? At a circus has cunning stunts
How do you fit 50 Jews in a car? 2 in the front 3 in the back and 45 in the ash tray.
What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?  *Shady's back* 
The national bird of Syria is.. ..a drone.
Why did Captain Hook cross the road? To get to the second hand shop
I was always really bad with numbers But I think my 34 inch dick makes up for it.
"Want to get a drink?" "Later:" "How about now?" "Later." "Now?" "Later." "Now?" --If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend.
Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil' Wayne.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? 
Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.
My coworker doesn't like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I don't throw gang signs. I'm Scottish. I throw bricks :)
What do you call an Irish midget? Whatever their name is, you insensitive jerk.
A recent study shows that Twitter users don't give a fuck in excess of 30 times a day.
Jeffrey Tambor walks into a bar and spots Stephen Tobolowsky... He says, "Have I seen you somewhere before?"
Nothing makes me happier to be single than meeting a couple who share an email address.
What's the difference between golf and sky diving? Twack......... Shit!
*throws caution to the wind* *wind blows it back in my face at 100 mph*
Oh you're upset about a thing? Allow me to remind you that there are other, more upsetting things. Somehow I think this should help you
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
Could you buy me something cheap for lunch, please? Sure thing, how about the gluten? It's free
Why doesn't Tyrannosaurus Rex fly? They're all dead!
In order to prepare for the future, I'm going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I'm drinking.
What do you call a drummer in a three piece suit? The Da-da-defendant.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn't see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I'LL NEVER ASK AGAIN! -Liam Neeson pitching "Taken 3"
Good news and Bad news wife: i have a good news and a bad new. Husband: i am very busy.Just give me good news. wife: The airbags worked properly in our new BMW.
Me: *falls off a ladder* Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED? Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I'm injured and outjured
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel? They say his invention was groundbreaking
Unicorns are extinct because they weren't horny enough. mind=blown
Below is an email that I sent to a certain presidential candidate a few months back: [deleted]
I'm ready to be a father now that I've successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he's so happy, he's relaxing & floating on his back...wait...
What's Bill Clintons favorite holiday? According to Lewinsky... Happy Employee Appreciation Day!
It's raining in Italy That's why it has the shape of a boot and not a flip flop.
Have you heard about the recent discovery about that moon of Jupiter? Although it is very exciting, astronomers maintain that its Loki.
A retarded kid mugged me yesterday He told me to put the chromosome in the bag
No YOU sober up, lamp.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.
Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science
What is the difference between your mom and Kim Kardashian? One is a dirty whore and the other is Kim Kardashian.
What do you call a broken square? A REKTangle
A Roman walks into a bar He holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, "Five beers, please."
I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren't any dinosaurs approaching.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
What did the horny frog say? Rub-it
I hear Ireland's the richest country in the world... Its capital is always Dublin.
I once dated a homeless girl. splitting the bill wasn't always easy but at least after our date I could drop her off anywhere.
Why can't Jesus eat M&amp;M's? Because of the holes in his hands.
Teacher: Why do you want to work in a bank Alan? Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it sir.
Monotony is my favorite bored game.
I liked you better before we met.
The internet connection on my phone seems to be at its fastest when I've clicked the wrong link.
Where is the best place for a 1-legged waitress to work? IHOP
What do you do when you drop your favorite ska record? PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP!
- You are more attractive when you don't wear glasses -You too, when I don't wear glasses
If Reddit users were Military Weapons... They would be Attention-Seeking Missles.
How did the rabbit know his wife was cheating on him? There was a hare in his bed.
I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer ? A brick-layer !
Reality! 11:30- I will go to bed soon. 03:30- Why am i on wikipedia reading about advanced nuclear theory.
1. Put "Out of Order" sign on a staircase. 2. Wait until someone says, "Stairs can't be out of order!" and uses them. 3. Release the bees.
Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine
Meeting friends for dinner. Can't find my phone so I'm bringing along a TV remote to stare at.
I'm done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.
Michael Gove as Education Secretary
I'm always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Why does the new new French navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old French navy.
To the guy who made the wrong website pun Woops, wrong internet universe
My girlfriend wanted me to include her more.. My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said "I wish you would play with me like to do those video games". So, I Dragon-punched her in the face.
Yo momma so dumb... my yoghurt is more cultured than her.
[Ouijja Board] What is the meaning of life? S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E *Squints at board* What the heck? A Bee Gee board?
If Trump replaces Obama... Orange really will be the new black.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"
Kids these days can't do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn't have Google. So, I pretty much couldn't do shit.
Football joke How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn? Paint an endzone on it.
Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she's driving. Girls are weird.
Take a pistol 1. Take a pistol 2. Point it to your head 3. Pull the trigger WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND
Did you hear about the newlywed couple that didn't know the difference between KY Jelly and silicone caulk? The glass fell out of their windows.
Doctor: You're obese. Patient: ***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***
I can convert alcohol into an idiot
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn!
Ugh just started writing a script for my screenwriting class & nicolas cage kicked down my door to say he wants the lead role. hes so sweaty
Why can't a tyranosaurus clap? It's extinct
Why do people with Ocd never have diarrhea. They got their shit in order.
You know what the budding prostitute told me? "You break it you buy it".
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
The Dalai Lama enters a Pizza Shop and asks Can you make me one with everything?
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White Vans
Why did Daniel LaRusso suffer from sexual frustration? He wouldn't whacks off
I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said "Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet" I said "Shut up...snakes don't grow feet!!!!"
Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn't get it.
Hipsters only know their weight in Instagrams.
I've always been a dog person, but I have never had a close friend that was a cat person. I just find that cats taste too gamy.
Whats better than winning gold in the Paralympics Walking
I don't think this bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
[knocking on my neighbor's door] hi i just moved to the neighborhood & im legally required to inform u that i enjoyed the star wars prequels
I was bit by a rattlesnake last summer. After three days of excruciating pain the snake died
[School] Teacher: What's ur biggst fear? Child1: Ghosts! Child2: Dogs! Child3: That humanity's core reaction to misunderstanding is anger
An average person has sex 300 times a year. The next 10 days are gonna be sick.
What do you call... What do you call cheese with no friends. Forever provolone. Sorry for my bad pun
Whats the different between falling from the 10th floor and falling from the 1st floor ? The sound you make 10th floor " AHHHHHHHHH *BOOM* " 1st floor " *BOOM* AHHHHHHHHHH "
Why do people go into technical jobs? Because they suck at communicating so hard, they'd rather fuck a computer
I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist She meant well, but she was just too annoying in bed. She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this.... or like this?"
"Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn't be cows." ~me giving directions
RAPE YOUR FACE WITH A MACE
Life just handed me lemonade. Not sure what to do.
There are teenagers smoking pot in this parking lot I'm gonna throw an ax at them I bet you they get so paranoid
How do French mathematicians cover their genitals? With Undeuxwear
What's the worst part about fuckin terrorists? Their hairy assholes...
I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
a white man and a black man enter a jewelry store black man gets shot
There once was a pastor who was in support of gay rights, but refused to preform gay marriage ceremonies. People kept asking him, "If you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?"
Who has the better search engine: Yahoo, Google, or Microsoft? I dunno. Let's google it!
In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world. Here in America it's National Cheeseburger Day.
It's my wife's birthday soon. She said she wanted something with diamonds so I got her a deck of cards.
This tweet has been brought to you by... ...Stay Free Maxi-pads... ...When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.
Roses are gray, violets are gray, tulips are gray Im a dog.
Two hipsters walked into a bar. One did it before it was cool and the second did it ironically.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.
[NSFW] MY wife walked in on me fucking my daughter... I wasn't sure if she was surprised by the fact that I was fucking my daughter, or the fact that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus...
I'm addicted to Soap But I'm clean now
I used to be an adventurer like you But then I took crippling adult responsibilities.
Parachute for sale Used once Never opened Small stain
Girls are like dead babies... There's several in my basement
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I've ever heard are things I've said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you're ever being mugged just shout THERE'S A BEE ON YOU the thief'll freak out and run away haha what a baby problem solved
What's the difference between Christmas and the Great Marianas Turkey Shoot? At Christmas, there's a nip in the air.
Toilet humour isn't funny It's just crap.
Why do farts smell? so deaf people can enjoy them too.
I just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome... At first it was pretty bad, but by the end I kinda liked it.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Got into an argument with a cripple and won. He didn't have a leg to stand on.
[OC] Why did the mortgage broker go out of business? Because he lost interest.
A priest, a horse and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I used to own a shop which sold 'Closed' signs... It didn't do very well. I had them all up in the window, but no-one ever came in.
Two Muffins are sitting in an oven... The first muffin says "Man, it is hot in here!" then the second muffin says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Do you even Choo Choo? Because you are a "Damn Girl" Karma train
Why couldn't the Duke of Esterhazy find his music composer? Because he was Haydn.
What kind of church does a triangle attend? Anglican.
My Asian boyfriend was sucking me off last night (we're gay) Best brojob ever.
Why was the energizer bunny arrested? He got a battery charge.
OMG, you guys, there's a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
How can you know that you are insecure about what other people think of your post? [deleted]
I was a baker when I was in the army. When I went to war, I went in all buns glazing.
What do they do for the 4th of July in England? Sulk.
I haven't used the computer in my basement since 1994 because the topless jpg. of Pamela Anderson is still downloading.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
What does a horny frog say? Rub it- rub it
Why did the gum cross the road? Because it was under the elephants foot.
Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say "I can explain."
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Why is it called the Middle East when it is in Western Asia?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
how do we know that jews crucified Jesus? they used one nail for both legs
I want to make a BDSM joke but I keep getting tied up on the punchline
I got a job at a circle making factory! Sadly, I was fired today because I was cutting corners
When life gives you lemons... Just be glad it's not AIDS
What do you call a vegetable that's kinda cool? Rad-ish.
So there's 100 000 pascals in a bar...
I almost got my fingers stuck in my cheese grater. It's one of my greater fears.
Why did the turkey walk across the road twice? He didn't want to be called chicken
What do pirates of the 21st century wear? An iPadth.
I went out for a pelican curry last night.... It was really nice, but the bill was enormous!
Abortion jokes They really suck the life out of you
Lost an electron Really gotta keep an ion them.
Roses are Red, Violets are blue...... who killed harambe? Cincinnati zoo
Three men walk into a bar The fourth one asks "You guys ok? Didn't you see that low hanging bar?"
What's the best thing about an extremely drunk, angry girlfriend? They don't remember when you smack the ever living shit out of them.
A woman went to the bar with a black eye. "How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town?" he asked. "So did I!" she said.
Why was the Robot angry at the engineer? Because he screwed his wife!
Why do old men take Viagra... It stops them from rolling out of bed.
A man named Zwayne walks into a bar. "Arrgh, fucking hell! Who put that bastarding bar there?"
A boy asks his mother a question Boy: "Mom, why's my cousin named Jasmine?" Mom: "That's because your aunt likes flowers." Boy: "Mom, what do you like?" Mom: "Oh, be quiet Richard"
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
What do methheads and Mormons have in common? They both ride bikes and go on missions.
A cowboy peers down the pit of an outhouse... He sees an Indian standing at the bottom. He asks, "How long have you been down there?" The Indian replies: "Many moons."
Not sure what you have heard, but it actually only rains twice a year in Seattle. October through May, then June through September.
Stoned wife wants you to rate her joke Do you remember the type of animal that has a memory that is the opposite of an elephant's? ... I forgot
What did the farmer say to Lil Jon? Turnip for what
I caught a lot lizard the other day.... Keeping it in a cage with hot rocks till i figure out what to feed it...
Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*
What's the difference between your mom and the subway? Homeless guys have to pay $2.50 to jerk off on the subway.
[Barnes and Noble] CASHIER: anything else? ME: four barns and your finest noble please CASHIER: get out
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says "open wide" & starts making airplane noises* Guy: *stunned silence* -Single Mama on a date
A toilet beat me at a game of Poker. I had a straight; it had a flush.
United Kingdom More like... Divided Kingdom.
My nephew asked, 'Do you have a New Years hangover today?' I said, 'No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking'.
Botox has a new theme song https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=i+can%27t+feel+my+face&amp;ei=UTF-8&amp;hspart=mozilla&amp;hsimp=yhs-004
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just 1 but it will take 3 episodes.
How many radical, trans, love-fluid, non-binary persons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2 - one to do it and the other to comment on how it's symbolic of rape.
I finally figured out the secret to click bait. It is to repost the title every week.
Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill I told him, "My door is always open".
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
My best friend told me that he had super powers... ... I told him to suck his own dick.
Did you hear about the priest who gardens? He tends to it religiously!
Kids from '00 won't get this... Childhood
How do you tell how rich a black man is. By how many gold chains he has, how do you tell how rich a white man is? By how many slaves he has.
You're one in a million China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
Why did the rooster cross the road? To go to the toilets, where all the cocks hang out
What's the difference between a black person and cancer? Cancer got Jobs
What did the donuts do on their date? They glazed into each other's eyes
Today is my 18th wedding anniversary. If my husband doesn't give me a divorce as a gift I'm telling his girlfriend.
Why didn't the life guard save the hippy? He was too far out, man.
Two peanuts walking down the street.... one was a salted (assaulted) XD
A physicist sees a man about to jump off from the top of Sears Tower... He yells to him "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
The toilet at a police station was stolen! They had nothing to go on..
Here's my review of the sun: One star.
[Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Last time I was upset, my dog brought me all of his toys and laid on my head.
only when we don't have to pay extra for guacamole will we truly be free
What do Donald Trump and JFK have in common? Nothing.. Yet.
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket.
When I'm home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
I never understood what liking large asses had to do with being fallacious, but who am I to question the genius of a knighted rapper.
What's the best thing about twenty-three year olds? There's 20 of them
EVERYONE ALWAYS THINKS I'M YELLING, BUT MY VIC 20 DOESN'T HAVE LOWER CASE!
White guys can't say the N word But they can say "Won't happen again officer" and "Welcome home dad"
you mean the story about the elderly lady who had some sort of fur coming out of her lower back? oh thats nothing but an old wives tail
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The Silent Wife Father : hey Son! why is your mother sitting so silent today? Son: nothing Dad. She asked for lipstick and i heard " GLUE STICK " Father : God bless u son !!
Come close... Closer... Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see... Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it's killing me.
What's the loneliest drink? I dunno but its in a solo cup.
What I say: I'm on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Spez tells us that we should take our time to vote today, because it "matters"... That's the fucking joke.
What do you get when you have a blonde do a handstand? A brunette with bad breath.
Why do people in wheelchairs wear shoes? Do they think they're gonna magically start walking?
So, a skeleton walks into a bar... ...asks for a beer. And a mop.
When is a man up and coming ? when he`s f*cking in an elevator. (ED.S)
All I want for my children is to be happy when .. .. they grow up, so I'll definitely advise them not to have any children.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances. *locks doors*
I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home I found out that all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I love my yoga pants. I have no idea what they have to do with yoga, but they're great for drinking, smoking and tweeting.
Who would win in a fight between Muhammad Ali and Stephen Hawking? Parkinson's
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
I'm planning on opening a combined cocktail bar and waxing salon. I'm going to call it "Gin and Bare It".
Spelling Errors? I don't do that typo thing.
I'm pretty sure that while girls are under anesthesia getting breast implants the doctors secretly do brain explants.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Have you heard of Helen Keller? it is okay my fellow redditor, neither has she!
"If you're pregnant you can't get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?" I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
There's no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.
How do you make a little girl cry twice. You rub your bloody dick on her teddy bear.
How did Jesus get those sexy messiah abs? He did crossfit.
A few weeks ago my barber cut my hair too short. I didn't like how it looked at all, but now it's growing on me.
I "pet zone" girls. It's like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
Why don't Barbie and Ken have kids? Ken came in a different box.
These days HD is so good, when you watch an NFL game you can see the murder evidence.
I work at my stepfather's store. You think your boss is an asshole? Mine fucks my mom. - Cole Y.
Where are male pornstars buried? Deadwood.
Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.
James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar. Michael J. Fox is the bartender. James Bond says "I'll have a martini." He does not need to specify.
To the people comparing Rachel Dolezal pretending to be black to Caitlyn Jenner being trans... Transrachel isn't the same as transjenner.
Bruce Jenner? More like Bruce Transjenner!
This Christmas buy your Hoes something nice. cause its the thot that counts
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil.
Blackman: I hate these crackers in my soup! I prefer white bread.
My wife told me to get her something she can use for her birthday this year. So I got her a face-lift and a tummy tuck.
What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl? Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.
I belched chickpeas in front of the Queen... She gave me a post-houmous pardon.
I was talking to my Jewish doctor friend... And I asked him how much he charges for a curcumcision. He said that he does it for free, but he gets to keep the tip.
"What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?" - God creating birds
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Sweet chan joke why was 6chan afraid of 7chan, because 7 8 9gag
A joke about construction... It's still needs work.
Being a prostitute is like being the heel piece of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but no one really wants you.
why are all jewish men circumcised? because jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 10% off.
What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike
You're so fat, when you sat on an iPod . . . It turned into an ipad. If you don't like my joke, you should really lighten up.
Are curses real? of course the f*cking are... (thanks dad)
What kind of father names their child Adam? A scientist.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I'm not approachable or one of their kind
My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken didn't exist.
i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.
How did the headless chicken cross the road? In a KFC bucket.
Fox news in four words: "I'm not racist, but..."
My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: "What do you mean we can't just file for bankruptcy?"
Scratching my head trying to recall... What was the name of that hair salon next to the graveyard? I've got it! It's called "Curl Up and Dye."
Two guys walk into a bar... Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks. (Dad Joke)
Why couldn't the Dukes of Hazard visit Mecca? Because that's just a little bit more than Allah will allow.
So If I get lucky with a Native American... Do I get to say I Poked her in her Hontas?
I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money
She said she needed her space and time.. Why didn't she ask for her velocity then?!
Did you hear Mr. Fanatic started delivering gifts to children? They call him the elastic clause.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spit, swallow, gargle.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic! *ba dim tiss*
Why did the chicken run across the road? She was worried the egg would get there first.
My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 am. 2:30! Luckily I was still up playing my drums.
How does an Eskimo build his house? Igloos it together.
ME: I need to pee really bad TEACHER: can you hold it? ME: probably not. my hands aren't very good at retaining liquid
Why don't sea creatures get divorced? Because they can't afford abalone.
When pearl jam comes on and you're like... It doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Why did Rose not buy the iPhone 7 Cause it didn't have a Jack
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell!
What muscle do Egyptian soldiers generally lose control of, shortly before major battles? The sphinxster ....
My friend never shuts up about lemon-lime flavored, caffeine-free sodas To sprite our differences we're still good friends.
What do you call a muslim, jackie gleason impersonator? Muhammed muhammed muhammena.
I walked into the Urgent Care bathroom and read a sign that said "Nothing other than Toilet Paper in the Toilet" So I Shit on the floor and flushed the toilet paper.
What does an unfunny person tell a salad? Teach me senpai! http://imgur.com/jxe8KFk
What did the German Kaiser roll say to the French baguette? *Gluten tag*
I was watching Jersey Shore the other day when I thought... I didn't know I had animal planet.
shout out to old people for graduating high school without google
Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease... Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.
Smoking studies done on monkeys have shown that compared to the non smoking group, the smoking group looks significantly cooler.
Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.
Catch her by her waist... Bring her home.. Keep ur hand on her neck Put ur lips on her lips &amp; have a ... ...nice drink...PEPSI
What do you say when you kill five black people with one grenade? (Offensive) Triple kill!
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them...
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail ? "I feel like a kid again"
/r/jokes won't get this.. karma
England at the 2014 World Cup
I wanted to do some light history reading this summer... ...so I read the biography of Thomas Edison.
What's a dog's least favorite unit of measurement? Pounds
You know why I hate rape jokes? You have to listen to them whether you want to or not
I dunked on my brother one summer, like, 20 yrs ago, on the adjustable hoop in the driveway, & I still think about it roughly twice a week.
Why did the mom cry as her baby Richard became older? Her little Dick was growing.
You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense? &amp;ndash; Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!
Whats the difference between 8 dicks and a joke?? Your mom cant take a joke.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians* When walking: *shakes fist at motorists* When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I bet the YMCA dance is allot harder to do in Chinese.
How did the hermit crab show off his new apartment? He took a shelfie.
Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage? I couldn't raise them
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap... ...I told her it wasn't necessary because I had one earlier today.
Best/Worst Pick-Up Line "My dick just died... Can I bury it in your ass?"
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!! 1. End 2. Of 3. Year 4. Top 5. Ten 6. Lists 7. Are 8. Exercises 9. In 10. Stupidity
You call it nervousness or having the jitters. I call it, I think my body was possessed by a meth addict in detox. Samesies?
Found an eyelash on my pizza. Wished for more pizza.
Knock-knock. Who's there? Beefst.
There has to be a line where 9/11 jokes aren't funny anymore... For me it's somewhere around the 70th floor. I'm sorry, I know that was terrible. I'll see myself out.
why does traditional Irish chili only have 239 beans in it? ...if it had one more, it would be "teew faarty"
Reddit you say? Yeah, I redd-about-it. *rimshot* PS: Sorry for subjecting you to this horrible fucking joke.
IAN: I broke my leg once ME: I've never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood] THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
What is the difference between Jared Fogel before prison, and Jared now? Before prison he was paid to eat footlongs.
Why did the gynecologist giggle during the pap smear? I don't know. It was an inside joke.
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? NSFW Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Who called it "falling in love" and not "assisted suicide"?
The funniest joke I have EVER seen on /r/funny You.
3 men, hard of hearing: "Its Windy out, isn't it?" "No, it's Thursday", responds the second; to which the third replies "Me too, let's go grab a beer".
What did the banana say to the orange? Fruit can't talk
What do you call a Transformer that engages in illegal activities? Optimus *Crime*.
What did the Middle Eastern terrorist say when he was captured by the police? Oman!
My brother David had his ID stolen Now he's just Dav
Why does carpet never make a sound? It's the world's quietest pervert.
I guess Jesus turned water into wine... But I'm not too far behind because if I drink enough wine it tastes like water... so I got that going for me
What gas do snails prefer?  Shell.
What do you need to make a crystal salad? Onions, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of lattice
I have a knack for philosophical puns... I guess you could say I have really found my nietzsche.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My girlfriend always wakes up with a huge smile on her face. Goddamnit, I love my Sharpie!
My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister. Like it's my fault they're conjoined.
If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad's pet name for your mom is "Squirty"
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Great news! I'm declaring a national strike. Nobody go to work.
What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
Short latino What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he is to short to be an ese.
For 65million years the T-rex was the number one predator Then came Bill Cosby
"Sir, the good news is that your colon looks great. Maybe even the best I've ever seen. The bad news is that I'm just a hobo with a hobby."
Beef farmers in Washington are fighting to protect their cattle, whose water supply has been tainted with THC from the marijiana industry The steaks have never been higher
What is the best way to stop a politician? A really strong gust of wind.
Little known fact: Arizona's state flower is pavement.
I like my coffee like i like my women. Ground up and in the fridge.
Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors? A: A superior being.
Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because... He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...
If by 'the Hamptons' you mean 'my pajamas', then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.
Looking to sell me theremin. Haven't touched it in years.
I met my wife in an African Languages class. We just clicked.
Pornhub titles always lack depth, and imagination. Yes, we know college girl tries anal for first time, but whats her major? Her dreams?
What do you call fake German currency? Question marks
Men are like old car tires. Balding full of hot air and it never hurts to have a spare.
In my old age, I am like a fine wine... Fifteen percent alcohol by volume.
Ladies: If I hit on you please don't panic, I am a bachelor and that's what bachelors do.
Life milestone: when your iPhone stops autocorrecting "fuck" to "duck."
Helen Keller walks into a bar Then into a chair Then into a table
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell outta it
I wanted to make a chemistry joke... But I'm too basic.
I may not be able to use by the "N" word... But at least I can say things like "Hey Dad", and "Thanks for the warning Officer!".
I masturbate with my pinkie finger pointed straight out. That way if anyone ever walks in on me, I'll still look all classy and shit
*Condom Co* [ok, don't let them know ur a frog] "Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?" ME: Ribbit "Genius"
I just saw a Koi Fish that had a white guy tattooed on it
Q: How can you tell when you've passed an elephant? A: Your eyes are watering and you can't get the seat to go down.
"You, the horse you rode in on AND the horses mother!" "What about the horses father?" "I already mentioned YOU once!"
Why are dentists usually always male? Because they like to be in other peoples mouths.
What do you call a girl with no legs? Disabled. (  )
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet] "Ok what's a word that starts with Q" cucumber "That's uh... I don't... let's pick this up again tomorrow"
Two nuns met a exhibitionist. One had a stroke. The other one just watched it.
I found out I'm a necrophiliac. How, you ask? I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff.
I had an argument with me Chemistry teacher today. I threw some NaCl at him and he yelled; "HEY, THATS A SALT!"
People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie Total recall
What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell.
I can't get out of bed These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust.
Kosher Sausages I bought some, does anyone else's miss a little bit of skin at the top?
You know why I like having sex while I'm camping? It's fucking in tents
World's second shortest joke An Irishman walks past a bar...
Written on the Bathroom Wall... *Here I sit Broken-hearted Tried to rhyme Couldn't even get the meter right.*
I hate when people ask what I hope to be doing in 5 years time. I mean come on, I don't have 2020 vision.
Just pushed my cat's paperwork off his desk.
What's better than winning the WNBA Championship? Taking a piss without sitting down.
The German chancellor is traveling to greece She arrives at immigration and the immigration officer says "nationality?" The chancelor says "German" Officer: occupation? Chancelor: no not this time.
Yo Momma so fat she clogs up the tunnel even after rush hour.
What is love? Those who play with it call it a game. Those who don't have it call it a dream. And me, I call it you.
Why should you never tell jokes on the ice? The ice might crack up! I use this at the beginning of conversations... it's a reall ice breaker.
Why did the Chinese man fall down the stairs? He was shot in the face.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo  and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
What's the best feature of Apple Pencil? You don't need to sharpen it.
It's not that I'm suicidal but jumping off a building onto a trampoline held by firemen sounds like so much fun.
 Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
*Wife thumps door* "I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN'T U?!" NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich? That's what its like to fuck a 90 year old
With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.
[1st date] You're gonna love this place *pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.
Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.
"I know it doesn't look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!"
What's an SJW's favourite animal? A Pander.
Iphones walked out :p Two Iphones walked out of a bar
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gravity walks into a bar in space And shit goes **down**
,,,,,, Find me a rainbow. I never understand lyrics anyway.
eer booze and fun!' 'Where do Martians drink beer ? At a mars bar !
Don't you dare go playing that drum again. There will be repercussions!
How do you make a pheromone? Let his people go!
Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy? Because they had good high jeans
Why can you only date girls named Ana?... ...because I got a tattoo that says Ana
An evangelical dairy farmer stopped by my house on Sunday He wanted to talk about Cheeses.
I finally got around to reading that book on watches I got last year It's about time.
Wife Wanted A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading: "You can have mine
I dont mind you texting during a movie as long as you dont mind me creeping in your bedroom at 3am & doing Gangnam Style w a pack of hyenas.
How do you make Hitler cry? Easy just show him his gas bill.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents.
How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.
Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Bud dum tss.
I have a joke about fish and herbs. But I don't think now is the thyme or the plaice to tell it.
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer They must have been laced pretty badly, cause I've been trippin all morning
A lion would never cheat on his wife... But a Tiger Wood.
Is cakeday. Comment with best Latvian joke. Make laugh. Is good distract from malnourish.
whats black and doesn't work? decaf coffee, you racist bastard!
My 40 time Is about 4.2 gulps
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY ME: kinda safe bet there HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS ME: again, still no surprises.
Why did the chicken cross the pathway? By doing so, he got to the other side. Romney 2012.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven't even seen me in bed yet.
Why did the banker leave his job? he lost interest
Nothing, I'm just tired. -every woman, 3 days before they tell you what's wrong
I'm boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
What kind of music do chiropractors listen to? Hip-pop.
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? Well well well.....
How do you crack a joke on r/Jokes? ctrl+v.
Snake: eat that apple Adam:nah S:u scared A:no S:lol u scared A: *eats apple* S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy.
What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar? Buck teeth!
God I'm glad chicken breasts don't have nipples.
Seems like the most reliable way to get rid of some people is just to lend them money....))
What do you call a gay French baker? A faguette
Why do people like Hillary Clinton? When she can't even stand herself?
What's the difference between an oral, and rectal thermometer? The taste.
Your mama is so fat that the recursive function computing her mass causes a stack overflow
Why did the nazi refuse to drink lemonade? He hated acidic juice.
When you turn on a light and the bulb burns out it's because you suck and that bulb would rather kill itself than hang out with you.
You have the body of a professional athlete If competitive eating can be considered a sport
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to shoot the room for being black.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs
What's the definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
LPT: Reproduce
Samsung sold me the wrong phone. I bought the S7, but apparently they gave me the C4.
Rick Astley will give you all of his Disney movies. But he is never gonna give you Up
I got a tattoo on my penis that says "TINY" when I'm flaccid. When I'm erect, it says "TICONDEROGA NY"
Am I the only one who gets nervous when a person @'s you with a link? Like they found that pic of you at 18 being spanked in a tutu.
When is a door not a door? When its ajar.
Why couldn't the gay guy cross the road? He had to go straight.
What is the official bird of love? The Swallow.
Will playing "GTA IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony" make me a homosexual? Same question for "GTA IV: The Lost and The Damned.
So Paul Walker has died.... Bringing to an end the Fast and Furious Saga - they have however, introduced a new series - The Slow and Decomposing too soon?
DOCTOR: Here's some medicine, for your well-being. GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being
They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants
I always wondered why my girlfriend's ex had his fist clenched when he saw me with her. Then it hit me.
Never tell a blind Catholic that seeing is is believing...
The Bangles are getting their own cooking show. Wok Like an Egyptian
COP: So what happened? ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road COP: Can you describe it? ME: It's like a big path that cars drive on
Treating women is like how you treat Pokemon found in the Safari Zone If you don't feed them and hit them with rocks with the exact right combination, they run away.
If you were a prisoner going down the stair You couldnt be more condescending.
All of the UFO sightings were just people seeing chuck Norris fly to McDonald's.
What's Sting's favorite Olympic sport? The long hump
The Washington Redskins are very sensitive to concerns and have decided to change their name... ...to the DC Darkies.
I don't know why people get so upset about failed pregnancies... I mean, the baby is still born. (sorry)
It's weird how british people say lift instead of elevator... Its like my dad saying "your a disappointment" instead of "I love you"
Why won't you ever see an American slav squatting? Because his spurs will get stuck up his asshole!
Knock Knock? Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Forget it, its pointless
My mom's so pessimistic... If there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances.
Whats hard, black, and keeps me up all night? My Roku.
DON'T QUESTION YOUR DOCTOR A man went to see his doctor. "You need to stop masturbating," the doctor told him. The man asked, "Why?" The doctor replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I'd say I avoid Facebook like the plague, but I don't do much to avoid the plague.
I had a bad donair earlier Now I falafel
Hey brotherrrr (by Avicii) There's an endless road to be disMOTHERed! Lmao
They should come out with a CSI Atlanta, with an all black cast. But each episode would be about finding who murdered the English language.
If history is written by the victors Then who wrote the history of France ?
How many Hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hippies don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags in the woods.
OK! My friend wanted to know how big the ocean was? (Click to view my Answer). You have to be more Pacific. :D
Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when they are hit with an axe multiple times.
If her weight ends in ounces she's too young for you bro
I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.
What do you call conjoined twins with the same name? Sharron.
So I went to the doctor's office today. He tells me I need to stop masturbating. I ask him why, is my heart to weak, or something? He says "no, im trying to examine you..
How does Stevie Wonder check Facebook? With his EyePhone
<-- Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I took an IQ test. The results were negative.
   ...Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo...   
I asked my dad who the favourite child was. "Ask your brother," he replied. "Where is he?" I asked. He said, "Buried in the garden."
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
DATING TIP: add Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
What happened to the egg when it heard the joke? It cracked.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you've obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
One guy says to another, "I feel like a million bucks!" And the other guy says, "Me, too! But how can we get it?" Title.
what's the most common name for a Mexican ? manual labor ........
Do you know any good water jokes? Well?
"Why is that cotton candy talking?" "Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"
I told my son if he doesn't step it up, I'm going to start living vicariously through someone else's kid.
[phone makes noise] [gets giddy about how popular I'm about to feel] Oh. It's an email about car insurance. [quietly dies a little inside]
NyQuil: Because who doesn't like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
The little Jack to his mom : Mommy, I'm fed up with sleeping with Jimmy ! Don't tell that again, you know we can afford funerals for him !
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind.
Oh, so you don't know how bright this flashlight is? Let me enlighten you.
What is the difference between an 8 year old fine wine and a bad wine? One does their chores while complaining, the other doesn't do them at all.
The top 3 worst STDs according to logic... 1. A child 2. Feelings 3. AIDS
What did Santa say at the brothel? Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!
You should never accept gift from a German The German/English bilingual crowd should be the safest ;)
Batman vs. Superman 2: Bruce Wayne spends millions secretly bankrolling a decade of lawsuits that bankrupt The Daily Planet.
My girlfriend had a heart to heart conversation with me today. She said she wanted some time and distance. Cool! She must really want to calculate velocity
What do you call it when a black chick shows you her pussy? Nutella Spread
You think you know someone, then you find out they like porn with a plot.
There's a nudist convention in my town next weekend I might go if I've got nothing on
What do your child and your dick have in common? If you don't beat it enough, it'll start standing up for itself in public.
when someone near me yawns i can't help but match the yawn with a visually similar scream
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi
I'm proud say you will never guess who has been sober for 10 years. Ted Kennedy.
"Give it to me,"She begged. "I'm so wet! Give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
A local candle shop burned down... it didnt help that everyone stood outside and sang happy birthday
What would you use to write down a description of the dump you just took? A No. 2 pencil.
I want to name my next pet Peeve.
I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television, 1$, volume stuck on full" I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I'll take it
I bought my friend an elephant for his room... He was like, "Oh, wow! Thanks!" And I was like, "Don't mention it!"
What's the difference between life and a prostitute? You have to pay a prostitute to fuck you
What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on someone's forehead? Unsightly facial hare!
I dated a half Asian girl Her mom was Korean Her dad was Korean Her legs got ripped off in the car accident.
What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear? A Freudian slip
Joke: In my intro to archaeology lab, I had a pop-quiz about bones in the human body I couldn't find that humerus either
What do you call two gay Irish partners? John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn
I'm always surprised how quickly "you're so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
"Girl, are you a tree? cause-" "no i'm not a tree" "..cause i want-" "why are you still talking i'm not a tree" ".. i want t-" "not a tree"
Micky and Minnie Mouse get Divorced The Lawyers says to Micky: "so you're getting a divorce because Minnie's crazy you say?" Micky replies frustrated:"No she's not crazy she's fucking goofy!"
What did the ZERO say to the EIGHT? Nice belt
How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment... So I send them to school in a Justin Beiber shirt and Crocs and let the other kids beat them instead
I'd write a book on parenting but it'd probably just end up being full of cocktail recipes.
Pascal walks into a bar. He then feels pressured to leave.
There's 20 letters in the English alphabet. Oh, wait! I forgot U, R, A, Q, T That's still only 25 but you'll get the D later.
How does ISIS listen to its favourite tunes? On a boombox.
Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!
How do you eat a computer? byte by byte.
My dad says he donates to the African water charities Because he's got a well paying job.
What did Professor X said when Cyclops whipped out his penis? "Keep it in your Jeans"
Microsoft has realized that all their products get better PR by naming it after Halo mythology. I'm expecting the next Windows version to be Windows 117.
How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask? He's force fed.
My favorite word is onomatopoeia.. I just like how it sounds
Ok, another Grandfather joke. Just kidding, they're both dead.
Your mom xD
Why can't rock climbing instructors get dates? Because they rappel men and women.
Instead of "In God We Trust" written on our money, we should have "In Money We Trust" written on our bibles.
An Irshman leaves a bar.
I am feeling very optimistic. But I bet it won't last.
What's long, hard, and fucks old people? Osteoporosis
I think Billboard has got it all wrong on the hottest single of the year It should be me
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
What's the worst thing to hear after you have sex with Steve Buscemi? "I'm not Steve Buscemi."
I wanted to report the police for damaging my luggage while searching my car But the case got thrown out of court
I'll follow my girlfriend into the bathroom watch her close the toilet door, and then ask, "What are you doing?"
Tifu by having sex with my friend's dumb bitch I guess bestiality isn't common where hes from.
If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it... A hipster bought the soundtrack.
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
What do you call a chess blunder where you lose your castle? A Rook-ey mistake.
I'm pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Dear GPS, Please add an, "avoid ghetto" option. Sincerely, Scared
What game do Africans play everyday? THE HUNGER GAMES (I'M GOING TO HELL)
what's the height of trust? two cannibals in a 69
New Urinals I'm not a fan of those new shaped urinals, went for a pee earlier and the fan just blew it everywhere!
'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo' is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I got my results from the doctor today. The positive news is I've got HIV.
When a woman tells you you're cute', it means you're ugly and you just entered the friendzone.
What did the Momma buffalo say to the baby buffalo on his first day of school? Bye Son (Bison)
She said she was a free spirit. That's good. Wasn't sure how I'd pay for a spirit.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she's been shown a card trick
*Pulls away from Kissing* Me: This isn't weird is it? Cat: Meow
I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.
What has 72 teeth and holds back the hulk? My zipper.
Why are people at Star Wars conventions so happy? Because of the Endor-fans.
*Pulls away from kissing* *Puts on headset* "Hello 911, what's your emergency?"
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed. My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.
I've been thinking of getting into the warehousing business... I've heard it's blowing up in China
Happy Easter And to the Jews, better luck next time
what does a 9 volt battery and your girlfriend's arsehole have in common? Even though you know you shouldn't you give them both a lick
wife's facebook post: so proud of 8, he's trying so hard in school! mama loves you! wife's text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese man on the telephone. Wing wing, halo?
Why did the one-fifth go to the masseuse? Because he was two-tenths
If you want to understand who loves you more, your wife or your dog, lock them both on the balcony After three hours unlock them and see who's happier to see you
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: You wanna go ride bikes?!
You ever seen a really beautiful woman that you wanna go talk to? But then you think she's gonna freak out when you walk out of her closet?
Everyone is unique. Except you. You are not unique. You are the only not unique person in human history.
Today is National 'Secure a rich lover' Day Mate wealth, 2016.
What do you call the first Afghan off the boat? Amhere. What do you call the second Afghan off the boat? Amhere Azwel. What do you call the third Afghan off the boat? Amhere Azwell Azhim. :)
Don't you just hate those guys who show up at your door and tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn? Fucking firemen.
kids let me explain this in teen. your father & i have unfollowed each other. he was yoloing another woman. it's 4:20 time to smoke divorce
Where will you find the most powerful man in Los Angeles? Watts.
LASSIE: Arf! What's that girl? Timmy's in the old well? L: Arf arf He's dead? You sure? L: Arf! Okay here's a check for $5K L: ima need cash
How does a Ethiopian show that they are rich? They wear a rolex watch around their waist.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they're viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Jared Fogle asked me a question. "On a scale of 1-10, what's your age?"
Why do the Germans use commas in place of decimal points? Because it makes 6,000,000 seem like a much smaller number.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gagging/Choking sound*
Where do vampires learn to suck blood? Law School.
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the undies
How do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are in a greenhouse when Watson says "Is that an orange bush, Holmes?" Holmes replies, "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"
What kind of dance do buns do? Abundance.
Having sex is like poker if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
You guys hear about the gummi bear massacre? It was Haribo.
An identity thief... takes things personally
Nine out of ten people enjoy gangbangs ...But I only have group sex when it's consensual.
How many gay guys does it take to read this joke? Only you! (Drum roll!)
I love the homosexual church In the name of the father, the son, the holy spirit; gay men
Stupid funny One time Back when I use to be an auto mechanic I drove around in an Italian car. The car kept telling me to add oil but I never did and one day the car exploded killing every body.
Why did Jesus die on the cross? He forgot the safe word.
[meeting] BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan ME: Perhapselline? MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline? B: You're incredible, Gary
What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes? A heroine addict.
Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve. Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.
A day or two after eating jalapenos I realize I've made a mistake That shit burns.
Police Chief: As a recruit you'll be faced  with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!
"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm." I told the prostitute. "That's not true," she replied, "Of course it is," I laughed, "What do you mean?" She said, "I'm a man."
My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That's why I always take mine off when I get home from work!
the guy in charge of namimg the bagpipes definitly just took one look at it and gave up
I tried to disrupt my bio teacher today and asked her what her favorite codon was She said stop
Our children are our future. Unless they invent a method for time travel, then they're also our past.
The cannibal arrived late to the dinner party. He was given the cold shoulder.
Happy 48th B'day Quentin Tarantino. Stuck for a gift? Start his party with lots of boring conversation and then suddenly kill everyone
Orc try to get at you? Hobbit like it's hot. Sauron get an attitude? Hobbit like it's hot. *click clack click clack click*
What does a redneck Buddhist believe in? Reintarnation.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a very obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
Sushi A and Sushi B Q: What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? A: WASSUP B?
What's the best wood to make a golf club out of? Taiga Wood
Funny things to say after loudly farting in a public toilet I'll start with a couple I've heard: "Systems check cleared - ready for drop..." "Whups, I'm sorry, I need to get that fixed..."
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have Ethiopians.
How do you start a rave in Africa? Glue toast to the ceiling.
I just named two flies in my house Buzz and Buzz Jr. If you want me to come to your house and name shit it's $20/hour.
Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good? A: Put a nipple on it.
Thor. He follows the same naming conventions as macho men with their dogs. Thor means thunder. But also the literal translation of Mjolnir is "crusher".
What is the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you're gay.
What happens when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scaler.
If Donald Trump wants to send all the illegal female Mexicans back over the border Then he should give sexting a go.
"Just spread them open and shove your face in there." - How to put on glasses.
What did one tampon say to the other when they passed each other on the street? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
After last nights performance you've really got to feel sorry for goalkeeper Julio Cesar... The last time i saw a brazilian facing that many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at stockwell.
My drug dealer cracks me up.
[Jesus on the cross] *texts with 1 hand* "um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf" *5 hrs pass* "new phone. who dis?"
Don't play stupid with me.. That's a game you won't win
What do mechanical keyboards want for dinner? Chicken ticka ticka ticka masala
What do you call a love story between resistance and energy? Omhmeo and Jouleiet
What did one earring say to the other? You go on a head, i'll just hang round 'ere
Why was the landlord seeing a psychiatrist? He had an apartment complex.
What did the bartender say to the angry speaker? We don't want any treble
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
This morning I... changed a lightbulb, then I walked across the street so I could walk into a bar, and then is suddenly realized: my life is a joke.
fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
Squad goals: To have a squad
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garabonzo bean? I don't have a garabonzo bean in my garage because that's where I get pee'd on so there is tarps everywhere.
Did you see the video of the woman who pushed a cop? She thought he would not fall because cops are above all laws.
Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions Me: *raises hand* Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions Me: *lowers hand*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Jesus isn't one to get angry very often.. But I remember seeing him once looking very cross
Where do Muslims go when they die? Everywhere.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. (read it out loud if you do not get it).
Did you hear it's 'National Pretzel Day' in America today? Just making sure everyone knows it's knot bread... (thankyou Simpsons)
For all those men who say"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I think I've finally crossed the line. ~~Line.~~
Why are some people so odd? Because they can't even.
A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How'd he do it? The horses name was Friday.
What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons
What did Jesus said to his girlfriend in the morning? ''Damn, you really nailed me last night''
I went to an archery range. I shot a lot of targets in arrow.
Hey girl, did you fall from heaven? Because you have a seriously fucked up face.
In a courtroom... *Mickey. mouse, it says here you want to divorce mini because she was... extremely silly? "No! I said she was fucking goofy!!"
Confucius says: "Woman who fly upside in airplane have open cockpit."
Two cows are standing on a hill.... One turns to the other and says "Hey, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?" The other replies, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!"
Kim Jong-un promises a new clear future for North Korea Oops, spelt nuclear wrong.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller
We need to run the government like a business. Specifically a Quizno's with a bat infestation, staffed by emotionally unbalanced retirees.
I just whispered Beetlejuice 3 times and Michael Keaton showed up and asked for a job.
I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm. If you can't come let me know.
My new band decided to name ourselves after Samsung.. We're the exploding notes.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART OF BEING ADDICTED TO METH IS?!? ONLY ONE MORE NIGHT TILL CHRISTMAS!
How do you describe eating just the right amount? Nom Nom Nominal
What do you call an armadillo at a fashion show? A roll model
Did you hear about the deaf man who was diagnosed with cancer? He didn't.
Gay people are not mean They're just fucking assholes.
I learned 10 jokes about clickbait today. But I won't tell them. You wouldn't belive number 7 anyway.
A windmill asked me for an autograph... I said "You must be a big fan"
I bought some shoes from my pill dealer on Friday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all weekend.
No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I'll just stay on Twitter.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa? They couldn't find three wise men!!!
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Why are executioners so rich? Because they make a killing
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they're happy.
What do you call a black guy who can fly a plane? A pilot; what else would you call him? You racist prick!
I tried to send an e-mail and broke my computer. How do you manage that? I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.
A conversation I just had. Friend - "My Dad just bought a condo in Afghanistan, what an idiot." Me - "Are you kidding? Those real estate prices are set to explode."
Trump got a sandwich named after him at his favorite deli. Commander in Cheese Meltdown. They put it on the kid's menu.
What's the hardest part about being a gay, black police officer? The discrimination.
I was reading a book on antigravity. I couldn't put it down.
One thing that archaeological discoveries have taught us... Ancient people loved drinking from broken cups..
Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.
What's a Jamaican's favorite brand of paint? Benjammin Moore mon
What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money? Collect unemployment insurance!
A speedo is just a man's way of saying "not today girls".
I make bad jokes This is one of them.
The orthodontist says I'm doing a "super job" wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I'm able to put things in my mouth.
Durex's "Eggplant Flavoured" condom won't be the first time a woman's being pleasured by a vegetable. Just ask Mrs. Stephen Hawking.
I had a dream about a horse in a suit of armor. Pretty sure it was a knightmare.
What kind of vitamin does a pirate take? Vitamin sea.
What's in a tweet? That which you call your bowel movement, by any other tweet is still an odious hot mess.
If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.
Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam.
I use to worked with an 82 year old. He always had extremely vulgar jokes. "Hey Ken, got any new jokes?" 'Nope, didn't go to Church this week.'
Is it wrong to watch porn alongside a Disney inspirational video? I'm not saying I did it I'm just wondering if I should stop
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? 0
What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser? About 2 inches.
I am not "aware" of any "laws" that "forbid" the use of excessive "air quotes" officer "Barnes."
TIFU by being King of the jungle Lololol I am Lion
ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
What do you call an someone who's an itch that begins with a B? Brash.
My elephants got no trunk ? How does it smell ? Terrible !
Three Blondes Walk Into A Bar Thought one of them would have seen it
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
A techno song lasted longer than my first marriage
Winter is like your boyfriend... you know it's coming soon but you want it to hold off for as long as possible
Strong people don't put others down.. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum damage.
[trick or treating] "Oh, what a cute little...what's she doing?" Me: potty training. "In my pumpkin?!" Me: She likes the heated seat.
I was in Brazil last night, and 3 women approached me and wanted to have sex. It was like winning the lottery. 6 matching balls.
I lost 130 pounds in a year. She left me.
Boss: "you're fired" Me: "I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree"
Whats the difference between a nun and a whore in a bathtub? One has a soul full of hope...
What has America come to? We're letting a *black* president run the *WHITE* House!
Moms. The original autocorrect.
You know why it'd called modern jazz right? No? It's because "A peace if crap was already taken."
If a young boy dog is called a puppy... then what is a young girl dog called? A puppet!
Why are there no living cats on Mars? Because curiosity killed them all.
Full Disclosure: I get most of my jokes from a 13 year old Amish kid named Caleb.
What did Captain Picard call his poop? Captain's log
Life is like a box of chocolate... ... it doesn't last very long for fat people.
excuse me, waitress? "I'm not a waitress" Oh, what are you then "Well, I'm a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?"
Chopped beef and pea soup What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
The biggest profit I made from going to was college was Selling my t9 calculator
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool. He sees a sign "NO HORSEPLAY" He lowers his head "Ok" & sadly trots away
Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I'm Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.
I thought I had an std because my eyes started burning every time I had sex. Then I realized it was just the mace.
Yo Mama's so stupidshe got locked in a "Furniture World" and slept on the floor.
Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team? Because all the ones that can run, jump and swim are already in America.
Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green? It was Saint Patrick's Day.
Why don't you ever watch old people have sex? You ever spread open a grilled cheese?
Whats the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass
What did the elevator say to the escalator? Do you even lift?
I never said that I hated you! All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.
How do you piss off a feminist? Done.
Me=dad make me a sandwich dad prove you are a sandwich
What did russian judge say to the jury? I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.
Went to India and let me tell you, never seen so many taxi drivers in my life!They work in restaurants, banks even in hospitals over there.
What does the president of Russia call his toilet? Vladimir's Poo Tin
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I'd tweet this while I wait for the water to boil...
What's the song that coldplay wrote for you? Yellow. *Phil answers phone*
Rape Jokes General I was raping a woman the other night and she said "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.
What is something long and hard that a Polish Bride gets on her wedding day? A last name.
1. Get tipsy. 2. Go into a tanning bed. 3. Pretend you're a panini.
Roses are red.  Violets are....red  Tulips are red My garden is on fire.
Why do aliens only abduct white people? Because they are easier to see in the dark.
Like arguing with a forest fire.
My roofing business is having a great promotion right now... If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.
What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? You can't get kids to eat broccoli.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Caesars.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Caesars!
Why was Hitler diagnosed with blindness? Because he could nazi anyone.
I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
I like my buttcheeks like how i like my babies Clean
Why is Ironman a superhero? and Ironwoman a command?
Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement... "Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"
A man walks into a bar... "A man walks into a bar and the bartender says"... ..."Stop speaking in third person Jaqen"
What do you call an angry, seafaring mathematician? -rate!!!
Did you hear about Lorena Bobbitt's car accident? Yeah, some dick cut her off.
How long does an owl live? About six and a half books.
It's the time of year when we are forced to confront America's greatest tragedy: men wearing winter scarves way too early.
How can you tell when Ron Jeremy is finished pumping gas? He pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we're gonna go pro.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Lets go ride bikes.
What does every funeral begin with? fun!
What is the difference between 9/11 and landscaping? Landscaping is an outside job.
What does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? about a Buccaneer (buck-an-ear) yuck...yuck...yuck
I was working at the orange juice factory But I got canned couldn't concentrate
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard] Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously?? *God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.
Why did Jim die from eating at an Italian restaurant? Because he asked for 'ebola spaghetti'
If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.
How is a glory hole like a rooster crowing? They're both a cock-a-dude'll-do.
Insurance costs are so outrageous the only healthcare most Americans can afford is from Dr. Pepper.
"Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?" TRUMP: I'll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we're going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
What did Hitler call his records store? The Vinyl Solution.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
What makes teaching gender studies so great ? ready pool of girls with daddy issues
The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.
It is my sincerest hope that the act of dying feels like finally peeing after a long bumpy car ride.
What so you call a bulldog mixed with a shih tzu? A bull shiht
I was at the ATM, and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, So I pushed her over.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
What's the difference between three dicks, and the truth? Your mom can't handle the truth.
Why is Thor's brother always overlooked? Because he's low key.
What do you call a person who is half Jewish? Jew-ish
Q: When is a farmer like a magician? A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates... ...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.
How do you know that peanuts are  fattening ? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant ?
*getting caught filling up neighbor's trash can* Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
A bully, a baby, and a carrot walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have, Mr. Boehner?"
Why do whales have really good immune systems? They consume a lot of vitamin SEA!
I grew up in a town made from wool It was a real close-knit community.
Why dont witches wear panties? So they can grip the broom.
I wake up every morning feeling like a Japanese democracy. Huge erection.
What type of gun does a feminist carry? A revulva
What do you call a French baker who sucks cock? a faguette
I bought a backpack that was field tested... ...They didn't say anything about how well it performed on the test, but I was glad that they showed some initiative.
What is Shrek's favorite book? Don-key xote
I don't know why I would want to "Keep Up" with them... I don't even know where Kardashia is. (geography's not my strong suit)
A bad joke hit a good joke... ...what a bad joke.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
What is Jamaican Pikachu's favorite dance? The Polka Mon
Today I made an immigration officer laugh He was borderline hysterical.
doctor: here's your x-ray me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she'd just gone to the toilet and now she's back and she hates me.
My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn't paying for his college now.
Prostitutes are like fast food... Everyone has them, though they taste like shit.
if i told you you have a beautiful body.... would you hold it against me?
She said I'm 'barely tolerable,' which means there's still a chance
If you're too old to get teen pregnant but still want to see a look of disappointment on your father's face, may I suggest a short haircut.
How do sheep keep warm in winter ?  Central bleating !
A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry &amp; asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see? Boy: Yes, I saw dad!
Never call a girl fat. Because she will always remember it...that's because elephants never forget.
*interrupts friends* "u gotta hear this tweet..Ok.." *realizes tweet starts with 'action asterisks' & doesnt know how to read that out loud*
The Sales Man A man carrying 6 babies in a train. A lady sitting next 2 him asked,"are these ur babies? "No I'm a condom salesman &amp; these are Customer Complaints..
How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh don't worry, they'll let you know.
It's about damn time we start talking about spontaneous combustion. It doesn't happen in a vaccuum.
Blood donation I donated my blood and they told me I was Type-A. Apparently it was a Type-O.
I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
What is a Skeletons porn-star name? Mr.Boner *edit I give this partial credit to that guy that sells meth on the street he-he.
What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans? Jesus doesn't have any tattoos of Mexicans.
Guaranteed best way way for anyone to catch a Bird.(pour salt on it) Because If you pour salt on it, your close enough to just pick it up.
Sometimes relationships don't work out because of timing, but most of the time it's because someone is an asshole.
Weekends are like an ORGASM: It takes a lot to get there and when you finally do, it's over in no time!
I'm sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
It's weird that you need money to stay alive.
"Incontinence hotline... ...can you hold?"
What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater? A pull over.
What's in a name? Boy asks a girl: Is your name WiFi? Girl: No, why? Boy: Because I am feeling a connection.
Why is it a bad idea for China to become a democracy? Do you know how hard it would be to orchestrate a national erection
I just Googled "Living with Glaucoma" before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
What does a blonde woman is doing with her ear bonded to the wall ? Listening *house*.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Plunging... ...is like performing CPR on your toilet.
"Cash or Debit?" "Did you just assume my tender?!"
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, "I need to make your dentist appointment."
waitressing She may only be a waitress but at least she brings food to the table
"There's a sleeping person. Let's go ask it questions."  Children
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot.
what's the difference between an onion &amp; a bagpipe? nobody cries when you slice up a bagpipe...
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil... Rohypnol.
I'm not racist... ...because I have a color TV!
So I went to a zoo today... But it only had one small dog. It was a shih tzu.
What do you get when you cross a cricket with a bat? Nothing as they cannot breed with eachother
What's got no teeth, and smells? The gearbox in my wife's car.
Anyone want to hear a really Nepalling joke about an earthquake? Oh. Nvm...
why is peter pan always in the air? Because he neverlands
My wife said I lack empathy I don't understand how she could feel that way.
Praying: It's like wanting to help without actually having to help
What did the predators say before they went hunting? Let us prey first.
WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis "Why, did he buy a new car?" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Some guy who wasn't looking where he was going hit me with a stick today So I beat the shit out of him. And for good measure kicked his Labrador too.
"This role looks absolutely fucking terrible. OK, I'll do it." - Nicolas Cage
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."
Marital prejudice/ politics amongst fruit Q: What did Mr &amp; Mrs Rockmelon say to their daughter when she wanted to run off with Johnny Watermelon? A: But you cantaloupe!
There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that's how I roll.
Ordering beef: "Was this killed humanely? Did it suffer?" Ordering lobster: "I'd like to rip this to pieces in front of its entire family."
If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
A new restaurant named Karma just opened in my neighborhood. There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.
Why the carpenter is always constipated? Because his stool so hard!
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. The ones who know binary and the ones who don't.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life. "What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?"
What do you call a sour black man? Vinigger.
Do you know the major difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps can actually finish a race.
Why was the ground all white after Custer's last stand ? The Indians just kept coming and coming
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Rules for a happy relationship 1. The wife is always right. 2. If the wife is wrong, see rule number 1. i know it's an old joke but it's my favorite
NSFW What's white, and bobs up and down in a cradle? A pedophiles ass.
If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.
A man is hit by a can of coke But he was alright because it was a soft drink
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts "changeable skies." He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Why don't black people like tylenol? Because its white and it works.
Why did Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond never get a divorce? She didn't want an ex Ray Edit: I meant debra
Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision? She doesn't mend straight anymore.
"Dad Is that a killer whale?" "No son thats an orca" "Oh. Well what's a killer whale?" "U see that whale that's covered n tats & smokin weed
[MEGATHREAD] The Post Formerly Known as Prince Since he's gone.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba Dum Tiss
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry hahaha fuck you all
I bought an iPod from El Chapo... But now I have to keep jailbreaking it.
They say 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile.. But not me. I live next to two really hot 9 year olds.
HISTORICAL FACT: I moved to Miami too, but I didn't make such a big fucking deal about it.
I like my whisky like I like my women. Left in an oak barrel for at least 3 years, with very little oxygen
An often overlooked, important skill in dealing with bullies is learning to kick their asses
What's a ghost's favorite sexual act? Booooooooooooookake
What did the cat say to the banana? Banana. .. What did the cow say to the banana? Banana. .. What did the goat say to the banana? Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.
When the professor starts off the semester asking "Why are you here?" So I can get a job.
What do you call someone who's great at everything? A good-for-nothing.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow. GIMLI: And my ax. [Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich] ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest? Alien vs. Predator
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Whatever you do, always give 100%... Unless of course, you're donating blood.
Like a radiologist researching sausage digestion, I tend to see the Wurst in people
I track my calories religiously every day. First they are on my plate and then I put them in my mouth
"I don't see race." -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Chris Christie's name... Is so dumb to me. It's just the male and female version of the same name. Like Eric Erica Daniel Danielle or Bruce Caitlyn
I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning.. Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop
What's the difference between one polar bear and 10 polar bears? 9 polar bears (joke on a mug at work. lame, ik)
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bhuto ! Bhuto who ? Bhuto-n the other foot !
SEX RESULTS Sex shouldn't result in pregnancy. If we were perfect beings, sex would have two functions: for pleasure and to complicate friendships.
What do you call mail that likes to have fun? Outgoing mail.
Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos? Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.
So my wife discovered I keep writing "please help me" in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I'm not allowed to have checks.
Bad News: I'm back on Ambien. Good News: Side effects include the chance of hallucinations. Best News: Just ate lunch with Jesus.
A women claims she is too sexy to live a normal life.. OK. I feel her pain but from the ugly side of things
How come you never see black people on ships? They aint falling for that shit again.
Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
How did the blind carpenter regain his eyesight? He picked up his hammer and saw.
What take out food should you avoid at all costs in Hospital? Donor Kebab
How do you tell the sex of an ant? Put it in a bucket of water. If it sinks you have a girl ant but if it floats you have a buoyant.
Why dont witches wear underwear? So they can get a good grip on the broomstick
Why did Helen Kellers kid commit suicide You would also if your name was Hughhhawahfluh Keller
Son: Dad I'm in love with a girl just like mum. Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?
I hear they took Aaron Hernandez out of Madden and put him in Grand Theft Auto V.
Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of Omega-3 tablets the other day. Everything is OK; it was just a super fish oil wound.
What do you call a clown that gives you flowers? A Romantic Jester!
If I ever become a DJ, my name will be DJ Oriental Immigrant Because I lay down sick tracks
So a chicken crosses the road and goes into a bar... ...to help his friends change a lightbulb
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Ireland's population is out of control It keeps Dublin and Dublin
How can a man go eight days without sleep? No problem , He sleeps at night.
Why is the ocean salty? Because the land doesn't wave back
My brother just fed my 10 m.o. nephew a whole bowl guacamole before dropping him off with me. Now I've gotta change the diaper. What a dip shit.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A fish
Dial Up Connection Was the original Dubstep.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Yo mama fell down... The physicists discovered Gravitational waves today
Ranger Station BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately ME: No way *porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*
Well you know what they say about history. Those who don't learn from history: Those who don't learn from history.
"Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out." Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I'll prove you wrong.
BBQ joint offers the "Betty Ford Special" Half a rack with extra sauce
What is Medusa's favorite cheese? Gorgonzola.
How do you find Will Smith in the winter time? follow the Fresh Prints!
"'There is no 'I' in team!" *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*
Diarrhea is hereditary It runs in your genes
Why did Sweden change their immigration politics? Because their Zoos ran out of room.
A woman went to get implants in her butt However, her butt was instead injected with cement. I guess you could say she hit rock bottom
What's the difference between American and Canadian? A boat.
They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
I'd like to travel to Holland Wooden shoe?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in "I recommend the squirrel".
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What sport do Japanese people watch? Desuball
What do you call a bee in a space rocket? bracket
Quiz time Folks: The Bangles sang a song called, Walk Like an: A) gyptian B) gyptian C) gyptian D) gyptian E) gyptian.
I threw out a sheep, a drum and a snake from an airplane Ba-dum-tss
How do we know that Joan of Arc was French ? She was maid in France !
Been experiencing bad diarrhea for 2 years and finally getting some medication I guess you can say I'm getting my shit together again.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
What did the Titanic say to the iceberg? "Okay, but just the tip."
She's as smart as bait.
Push to Add Drama
Hey girl, are you an empty refrigerator? Because you don't have to be running
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: I won't make it. Go on without me. Her: It's a toe cramp M: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood H: That's sweat M: Tell my story
Lions sleep 18 hrs a day.. If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle!
Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you?  Chihuahua: No I was playing throw with her!
My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend... We're the Suicide Squad!
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.. making land mines that look like prayer mats. He's doing very well, business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.
How much does Jesus love you? Thiiiiiiis much. (Must be said while arms are raised out to side)
Buckwheat from the Little Rascals just converted to Islam.. Now he's Kareem of Wheat.
What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts? Molasses
2 little kids, Billy and Tom, are goofing around in a cannibal village. Billys mum sticks her head out and yells... "Billy, stop playing with your food!"
There was a dyslexic devil worshipor. He sold his soul to santa
How do you know if your room mate is gay? his dick tastes like shit
How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn't reading your tweets or looking at pics
Are you ever going to use those Styrofoam plates? No, they're not biodegradable. Well throw them away then!
Just completed a 0.00 mi run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies #RunKeeper
What's your new year's resolution? Mine is 1440 * 900.
How long is a submarine? No, How Long is a Chinaman.
Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Just taught my 15 year old German Shepard to play dead! Cocky bastard is trying to set a record too! Been that way for eight hours now...
Roses are red... Roses are red, here's something new, violets are violet, not fucking blue!!! (Found this in a youtube comment a while back ago. Unfourtunately I can't remember where.)
What's Beethoven's favorite favorite Japanese weapon? Ka-ta-na-na!
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them for feminists.
Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner. She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say, "The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"
Hear about the state-of-the-art amputation device? All I know is it's pretty cutting edge...
What is religious favorites food ? Chop Suey
Whenever I have sex with my girlfriend, I let out loud, deep breaths. I used to feel embarrassed about it, but she told me that sighs doesn't matter.
My history teacher found a tampon He's still trying to figure out what period it's from.
What happens when sharks take their clothes off ? They go sharkers !
Why are there so many Asians? Its the food. There is too much raw dog. Heard it on Adam Carolla's Podcast. A caller phoned in and told it to Adam. Thought you guys would like it.
My company uses salt water to solve any problem. We are called Saline Solutions.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag.
I went to go see a psychic the other day.. I asked her if I'd ever be going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.
I went to the Zoo today They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
Q: Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? A: At the calf-eteria.
When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."
When is a letter damp? When it has postage due (dew).
if you say "pumpkin spice latte" in the mirror 3 times a white girl in yoga pants will appear & tell you all her favorite things about fall.
What did the cannibal butcher say to his uneasy customer? Don't worry, it's all ethically sourced! All my produce commited suicide!
What do elderly zombies crave? BRAAAAAAAAAAAAANS
The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"
What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA
Knock-Knock!
Best medieval joke you know. Go. "In days of old where men were bold and rubbers weren't invented, men wore socks around their cocks and babies were prevented."
How do you know your girlfriend is too young?[nsfw] When you gotta make the train noise to get your cock in her mouth. EDIT: just helping you guys find your limits
I finished sixth form, I finished university, and I've bought a house, and yet the white walkers haven't arrived.
What happens when Mario parks his car outside the wrong castle? He gets Toad
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong... I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.
Why is the dog man's best friend? He has to have someone to blame the farts on.
At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
"NO NO NO NO" - the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it's cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Why arent There Many jewish gardeners? Because money doesnt grow on trees
When I was in the first grade my teacher could remember my name Which really hurt since I was home-schooled
Did you know, that pigeons die when they have sex? At least the one I fucked did.
So my friend who has multiple personalities called me yesterday. My Caller I.D. exploded.....
Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores? Because slavery is illegal.
What to do when the black guy in front of you gets shot? Stop laughing and reload.
If I ever lose a hand I'll replace it with a single nunchuck on a chain
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body. Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
What happened to the pessimistic abortion doctor? He developed a de-fetus attitude.
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? They gave her a basketball and told her to read.
People dont like having to bend over to get their drinks... We really need to raise the bar.
The doctor said I had, at best, a year to live... So I shot him. The judge gave me 30.
A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar Guy: You're the most average girl out here. Girl: Hey, you're mean! Guy: No, you are.
My wife has threatened to leave me if I don't give up my obsession with horoscopes. It's too late, it already Taurus apart.
My friend met his wife on tinder ...It was six months after their wedding
What do wearing Crocs and receiving a blowjob have in common? It feels great at first, and then you look down and realize you're gay.
Q: What does it mean if a guy remembers the color of a woman's eyes after a first date? A: She has small tits.
It can't go on! It can't go on! What can't go on? This baby's vest ? it's too small for me.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl] me - "that was an accident can I have my egg back please"
Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade? (NSFW) Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade? You cant marmalade your cock up your girlfriends ass
My pet lizard was acting really strange the other day so I took it to the vet. She said it was a reptile dysfunction.
Why don't I like trees? They look kinda shady to me
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won't open the door. I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
When everyone is sharing the jokes of the day on Facebook but... You already reddit
So another way of saying a no-brainer would be...? A Kurt-Cobainer...
Why don't Amish people water ski? Because their horses would drown.
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people
I'm gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about  that. Tell them you have a p*nis.
I'll say "HELLO PUPPY!" to your dog, but you'll get the awkward half-smile.
The US government is taking Samsung to court. They're being charged with a fault in battery.
What happened when a whore house caught on fire? Some came out running, others ran out coming.
My wife says she hates domestic abuse So I now do my crunches outside the house
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Medusa Barbie ...Barbie with snakes for hair
I hate the Nazis so much They make me goddamned Fuhrious!
What's the difference between jokes and dicks? My girlfriend doesn't laugh at my jokes. *edited for spelling: "Mr" instead of "my"*
Why did the astronomer break up with his girlfriend? He just needed some space.
How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
So the UK Government can now read my internet history... So I guess the only way I'm ever seeing tentacle porn again is if I take a shitload of LSD and watch Spongebob. Cruel world.
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None because it's already lit fam ^I'm^^so^^^sorry
Women like to claim that they are equal to men... Women like to claim that they are equal to men, but women have never successfully oppressed and entire gender.
Have you heard of that movie, "Constipation"? It's not out yet.
Why do people have sex when they go camping? Because it's fucking in tents!
What's the difference between O and Q? One had to P.
My girlfriend treats me like God She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
What is the process for a terrorist kidnapping? Well, first Demascus, then they Baghdad!
What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.
What do you call a Nazi's concealed weapon? Auschwitz blade!
What is a polygon ? A dead parrot !
My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those of us who understand binary and everyone else.
(Possible trigger) I wanted to smoke a joint with some Mexicans today.. I asked if anybody had papers and they all ran.
What does pubic hair and celery have in common? Just move it to the side and keep eating.
My girlfriend walked up and said she is expecting... me to lose weight.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? A: Conservation of momentum. _____ *Also, give me your best dark jokes, I've been out of it a few years and I need to get some new material.*
What do you call italian food that is bad? A pizza shit
Are you in search of a P-Pun? Urine in luck!
What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
These generic frosted flakes are ooooooookay.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "grow up!" I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.
Why did the lemon go sour? Because it had Lemon-Aids
I cannot wait for my date tonight. Dates really are the best part of ramadan
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Why don't biology and physics get on? They lack chemistry.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
A man walks into a bar With a piece of asfalt in his hand, goes to the bartender and says "Ill take 2 beers, one for me and one for the road"
Guess who's been sober for 10 months? Robin Williams.
What's the difference between a pedophile and acne? NSFW One doesn't come on your face until your twelve
Okay you guys, I'm gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Hub: Let's go see a movie Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points* H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn't do anything wrong.
If you are dating a girl that doesn't like Star Wars... You are looking for love in Alderaan places.
The Republicans have been in control of the house for 2 hours and unemployment is still 10%. Is it too late to change?
I'm having a problem in Call Of Duty. I go to the menu and....... alright I guess by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Some people just need to change their status updates to, "Needs attention."
We just hired an ex-con, who was in for tax evasion, to do our landscaping And I must say he is terrific at cutting the corners.
[Auto-shop class] "Cody, for the last time, it's still a carburetor even when it's in a van" *raises hand* "Or a truck" *lowers hand*
How do most women like their eggs? Ovarie-z
how often do i beat my wife? Every time i clap my hands.
TIL: Studies have shown that people who annually experiance more birthdays tend to live longer. 'The more you know'
How do you keep an idiot busy? loading...
Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as "The Peas".
"Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!"- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? A: One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment.
Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
What's the difference between a canoe and a Jew? Canoes tip.
For my cake day, I have a short joke My penis.
What food do Japanese people serve as an apology when they have offended someone? Miso sorry...
Him: you watch too much Food Network Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote Him: its toast and jelly
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock? you can't fuck a rock
You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.
I just found out that those cows from the Chick-Fil-A commercials teach black people how to text.
What do you call a woman with her tongue out? A lesbian with a hard on.
So a baby is named by his French, Chinese, and Redditor grandparents A. L'Mao
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present - They are due back at the library tomorrow.
Why did the suicide bomber explode on the train? To get to the other side.
when you walk down on a up escalator, is that time travel? really makes you think
Someone needs to tell Madonna you can't call it "Girls Gone Wild" when you're a 100.
I've always stood up for black people... It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat
Why is Donald Trump like a Gibbering Mouther from DnD? Both are all mouth and no balls.
Why did little Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock Who's there? Obviously not Sally
Job interview Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness? Me: I'm brutally honest. Interviewer: I don't think it's a weakness at all. Me: I don't give a fuck what you think.
What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW? I've never stuffed a BMW up my rectum.
My x had a Nikon breast implant She called it her photographic mammary.
Somebody just said "good morning" to me in the elevator. Stare at the buttons like everyone else, asshole.
I have two personal trainers... One on each foot!
My rap name is "NO PLANZ."
So what happens if I neglect to "safely" remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.
What do you call it when Muslim men play naked twister? Dinner entertainment at Guantanamo Bay
What is Superman's comedy sketch show called? Essen-El
Whats the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler? Lance can finish a race.
What do you say to a woman who didn't shave for a funeral? O-bitch-uary.
Why did Regina George's dog only play keep-away? because fetch is not going to happen.
*slowly pulls up in a car next to you when ur walking on the sidewalk* "why did u favorite that instead of retweeting it?"
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Let's ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife's meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
A radio wave walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman says, "here you go, but why the long phase?"
What did Joan Rivers say to the zombie? *Who are you wearing?*
Dicks and vaginas are kind of like Coke and Pepsi I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same
"we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry" ha, hes always wandering off "no he.." *holds up one finger while on phone* dad ring me back
Why was the jacket stinky? Because it was a windbreaker.
Just ordered a pizza from Papa Johns online ordering system & it asked me if I had any instructions for the driver. Yes, "Bring weed, bro"
I have daily sex Sorry, I mean, dyslexia.
I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.
I don't have multiple personality disorder and neither do I.
The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
What's the name of the Russian Bee Gees cover band? KGBGs
What comes first? The Chicken or the Cart!
Some people say it's not what you know, but who you know... I say it's not who you know, but whom you know.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today.
"You know an ancestor of mine came over on the  Mayflower." "Really? Which rat was he?"
You heard about the guy who had a heart-attack when the police entered his house? He had a cardiac arrest
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it's that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I went to see my doctor about my insomnia. Not sure he appreciated me knocking on his door at 3AM.
I bet snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
One iPhone in an Apple Two iPhones is a pear.
They told me I had type A blood... But it was a Type O
What does a robot do at the end of one night stand? He falls off
How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night? Take away their beds...
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
My wife claims watching me do karate "isn't foreplay." Why am I even alive.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 30, my basement is still dark.
Yesterday, I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going over the phone.... He said "Can't complain".
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large!
My friend hasn't had a bite all day. So I bit him.
Hey Pringles, It's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
How can you tell a bernie sanders supporter from a hillary supporter? There age
If websites were athletes, Reddit would be a fencer. Obsessed with points and always reposting.
There is no law that says you can't smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.
This Christian rock band is so bad... ...I want to die right now so I can complain in person.
CEO of KFC: "We must always respect our customers. That is so important." Ian: "Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?" CEO: "Yes."
Immigrants Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it "White People"
What is the hardest part about sleeping with twenty one year olds? There is twenty of them
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? The Pokemon.
Why can't you trust an Adam? They make up everything.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he's a fucking skeleton. He's dead and shit.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God's pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
Why is six afraid of seven? Cause seven said, "I'm gonna stab you, bitch!"
What did Will Smith say to Carleton when he asked if he was ready to leave their yoga class? Nah I'ma stay.
I love my girlfriend's dog, "Missy." She messes inside a lot though, especially if I show too much attention to the dog.
I'm a social vegan I avoid meet
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait... Regular or Asian?
My clothes were traumatically stolen from me. But I've recovered.
How did the orphans in Oliver Twist communicate with each other? Through *more*se code!
While in bed, my girlfriend screamed, "Oh my god, it's so big!" Then I saw the spider.
Another Adele Joke Why did Adele cross the road? To say "Hello from the other side."
What do you call meat that is on sale for half off in the south? Roadkill
What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires? What's a movie?
Did you hear about that car that runs on seafood? I heard it's very efishient
*gets into any creepy van* *Gets kicked out*
What does a hippy say when you ask him to leave? Namaste
Have a drink My friend told me to get a beer as I looked like I had a rough day. I looked at him and said "With your face, you must be an alcoholic."
A large hole appeared on the fence of the nudist camp... ...The police are looking into it.
What's the prize for getting the Human Papilloma Virus? You get an a-wart!
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning
In every generation there's one man who stands up for the little guy: Bernie Sanders is that little guy.
What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? ...they've both had a Downey Jr. inside them.
TIL you can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it in water Sinks - girl ant Floats - boy ant
Why did the music industry talent scout take a course in game programming? He thought it would help him with his hit detection.
Having sex with a condom is no fun... I'm going to try having sex with a human being instead.
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside Sorry but after seeing about 5 reposts today, I thought it was open season.
Q: What kind of house is easiest to pick up? A: A light house.
A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz. 91% said Never Again".
Lonely fisherman I am an excellent fly fisher. Every time my fly goes down, fishes come flocking. I am happy with what i get. But the world is filled with jealous folks, they call me master-baiter.
Margaret Thatcher Said "If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman." If you want nothing said or done.. Ask a cat.
MEDIC: "Put pressure on the wound!" ME: "Hey, wound! All the cool kids are drinking and you should too!"
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
Why is it so quiet when pterodactyls use the restroom? Their P is silent.
What's the difference between a urologist and an anesthesiologist? An urologist plays with somebody else's penis during surgery.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he wont come when you call it!
What did the Psychiatrist say to the naked man wrapped in surran wrap? Well I can clearly see your nuts
My stainless steel scissor rusted How ironic.
Why did the man that drank 10 cups of poisoned Lipton not die? He drank so much poison it built his immuni-tea.
"Um, can we get like three baguettes popping out of the top of that sack of groceries?" - Most all film directors
I spent 20 years traversing across the globe searching for the best mustache... ... Until I realized the best mustache was right under my nose the whole time
What is yellow and cant swim? An excavator. Why? It only has one arm.
Why don't Muslims fight each other often? Cause they don't want no beef Edit: I'm going to crawl back into my hole now
Maybe if we start the 'Read a Book Challenge' we can raise awareness for stupidity.
Non vaccinated I don't believe in vaccines for my children. FDR never had the polio vaccine and he was President for 12 years.
What's the difference between a Greyhound bus station and a lobster with tits? One's a crusty bus station; the other is a busty crustacean.
So, I understand Michael Jackson died from food poisoning... ...he choked on a 9-year old weiner.
Your wife is knocking at the back door to come inside and your dog is barking at the front. Which one do you let in the house first? The dog, because when the dog gets in the house it stops bitching.
"Someone called me a butterface today! Is that bad?" "Well it's *half* a compliment."
The Awkward Moment When Your Dog has Girlfriend and you still Single
Just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour
Did you hear about the house that lesbians built? It's all tongue in groove.
Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor? It was just a stage he was going through
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they call me ugly and poor.
I'm quite confident that the reason i'm single Is because i didn't forward that chain letter in 2008
My IQ score says I'm intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
So a guy with a "Baby on Board" sticker on his back glass, backed out of a parking spot and directly into my car.. Apparently that dick had a problem with pulling out.
What is E.T. short for? It has little legs.
Why don't blind people go bungee jumping? Cause it scares the fuck out of the dogs.
What would Apple laptops be called if Steve Jobs had been Irish? McBook Eyre
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Scientists have found out what a woman wants. But she had already changed her mind.
I heard a Hong Kong-based company is going to build the Grand Canal in Nicaragua. Won't yellow fever be a problem?
I decided to stop buying CDs and MP3s and start buying only vintage records. And that's vinyl.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Gay jokes aren't funny Cum on guys...
"Thanks for sending me that 17 second cellphone video from that concert you went to! The audio and video were amazing!" - said no one, ever
My niece just said "Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!" Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
My watch broke a week ago I've been meaning to replace it but I don't have the time
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He's so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him. -Oreo to milk
"Do you want the latest dirt?" -No, but I appreciate the sediment.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted ? Kinky you use a feather; perverted you use the whole chicken !
Why do college frat boys drink before bathing? Buds before suds, bro.
What happened to be, she, and they... ...when they were discovered face-down in the mud? They were PRONOUNS dead
What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair? Cancer...
What do you call someone that hangs out with musicians? A drummer
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
So I'm in line at the ATM. And the old woman in front of me asked me to help her check her balance.. So I pushed her over
What did the bartender say to the foreskin? "You're cut off."
How are toy trains and boobs similar? Both are made for the kid, but daddy ends up playing with them more often.
What church do hypocrites belong to? All of them.
Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves? The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
I have no idea why these women called me a massaging gymnast All I said was that women belong in the kitchen.
They say: Dance like there's nobody watching, sing like there's nobody listening. But non of them are there to vouch for you when you end up in an insane asylum.
An asteroid 1,200 light years away has a 0.6% chance of colliding with the Earth, and you all just walking around like everything is fine.
After I finish a sentence say, "I'm a man." You go to the bar and think to yourself.
I tried making a chemistry joke today... ... But all the good element jokes Argon
What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing? Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.
Protip: If you're walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don't forget to stop as you enter the restroom.
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
How does a Scandinavian man catcall? "Hey, you look like someone that could show me the right bus to take."
Helen Keller walks into a bar ......... then a table and then a chair.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? ...Look for the Fresh Prints...
Why did the sandwich shop sound terrible? It was out of tuna...
What happens when Bill Gates gets mad? He gets philanthro-pissed
whats black and burns? stevie wonder answering the iron
I know a great joke about rape. But they don't let me put it in
I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline They said just do it.
Why didn't the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock...
Knew a Muslim kid in college who was notorious for being late to everything We called him 9/12
I'm 32. I don't have haters. I have too much debt and teeth that shifted from not wearing a retainer.
What do you call two women in a canoe? Fur traders!
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
#NAME?
Which clown has killed the most people? Ronald McDonald
There's a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It's expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. Yes, the new iPhone will be called last year's Samsung Galaxy.
My wife is a sex object Every time I ask for sex she objects.
Hey guys, have you heard about the new corduroy pillow? It's making head lines!
What do you call a dog underwater? A sub woofer.
Saw a guy scratch his balls and then he made eye contact with me as he smelled his fingers. Probably took 8 years off my life.
What do you call a midget physic that escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
What's the difference between a gun and a penis I don't put a penis in my mouth every night and cry
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do cats park their cars? They *purr*allel park
I made a username called "My Dick" on a website. The website said that it wasn't long enough.
Damn girl, are you my accounting class? Because you really need more curves.
Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back? And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, "Dude, c'mon..."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off
What do you do when the dishwasher stops working? You tell her to get back to work.
Let go.. New perspective.. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, . . . . nobody wanted them.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions? "she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions"
If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang
Anyone got a clean, long joke? I need a clean, funny and long joke that lasts for around 2 minutes. Thanks reddit!
I went to a party at Paris Hilton's place last night. The party was fun but now I feel hungover. I tried to take some paracetamol but Paris-ate-them-all. hew hew
What did Trump say to Hillary when she told him a joke? "You're Hillaryus" I'll walk myself out...
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? Pilot, you fucking racist!
What is ET short for? Cos he's only got little legs
Where does a person with one leg work? IHOP
Dad walks in on son fapping He says,"Son that'll make you go blind!" The young man says,"Dad I'm over here, that's a lamp."
Someone asked me, "How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?" I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you?"
A man went to the store buy condoms The cashier asked him, "Do you want a bag?" He replied, "No thanks, she's not that ugly."
Growing up couldn't wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
What do you call cheese that's not yours? NACHO CHEESE!
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.
You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "cheat days" when you can eat as many as you like.
If a mentally challenged midget is late to an appointment... ... can you justifiably call them "a little tardy"?
I was asked if I wanted to volunteer at the U2 concert... ...I said I don't like to do Pro Bono work.
Y'know what really brings out the inner child in you? Abortion
here's a cool tip for beating the heat this summer: don't go outside ever there's guys who will bring you pizza dumbass
What do you call a unicorn that's had its horn removed? A eunuchorn.
If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
What do you get if you boil funnybones? A laughing stock.
Why was the apricot late to the party? He got stuck in a jam.
Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?- Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be  M&M's
Fun Prank 1.) Go to Yoga class 2.) Compliment some people on their mats 3.) Unroll 20x25 oriental rug.
if someone asks you about yourself say "OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story" then just wander off
What is the main ingredient of a fractal fondue? Mandel broth Ha ha ha The puns I make up while working as a grocery cashier..
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs Me: just okay Waiter: oh no Me: you could say they were Waiter: please no Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Bruce Jenner Why don't more people call, Bruce Jenner, TransJenner?
What did the monkeys say when they saw the Northern Lights? Ooooooh, aaaaaah...
Whats Irish and stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture
What do you call a ghost's fart? Spectral emissions.
Great minds think alike but great behinds stink alike.
DATING TIP: Girls like bad boys! Brag about your Twitter gang.
What does feminism and a pile of shit have in common? They both started out as a movement.
Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.
Sex with 3 people... Sex with 3 people is called a threesome. Sex with 2 people is called a twosome. That explains why they call you handsome.
The minute the great man dies, cryogenics should be employed until a cure is found for old age and chest problems... Freeze Nelson Mandela!
The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.
Apparently, I snore really loudly... ...loud enough to terrify everyone in the car I'm driving!
So the Mayor of London Boris Johnson has knocked a 10 year old boy to the ground... Then again... wouldn't be the first time a British MPs tackle has hurt an under aged child would it?
There are two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Why did the Blonde go to a Phone Repairman to get her anus bleached? Because she needed help changing her ring tone.
Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid. The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
In Europe they are now printing their money on Greece proof paper.
Why did the Agnostic cross the road? We don't have enough evidence to say for sure.
Q: What's the shortest book ever written? A: French War Heroes.
Nothing ruins your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday.
What did the mathematician do when he was constipated? He worked it out with a pencil
I have a good gay joke so good it will make your hole weak.
Where does Chewbacca research his college essays? Wookiepedia
I got this amazing girl's number at work today See you later Jane Doe 522/16!
Mohammed Mo Problems
Banana Oh, no there isn't a joke here. I just thought if I said "Banana" it would sound apeeling.
Steve Irwin died how he lived With animals in his heart
A koala, a bear and a panda owned tea shops... But which one was the best? The Koala's, as it was the most Koala-Tea.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
There's a new all girls music group that writes songs about the internet. It's called Broadband.
Misplaced apostrophes are just as annoying as the question mark I've used here?
I'm 30 but I still feel like I'm 20 Until I hang out with 20 year olds Then I'm like no, never mind, I'm 30
Have you noticed that jokes starting with have you noticed' are usually shit!
How does a feminist screw in a light bulb? She holds the bulb up to the socket and then expects the world to revolve around her.
When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.
What's the difference between South Korean BBQ and American BBQ? South Korean BBQ has more Seoul
When I'm texting, I start typing faster when i see you're typing too. Oh, IT'S ON!! #amazingrace
Reddit nowadays This post is locked
An Irish man walks out of a bar.... That's the joke.
What kind of soap do you use to clean a dirty joke? Bawdy wash.
What would happen if you crossed Magilla  Gorilla with a Saint Bernard? It would drink the brandy it would carry and act like a big Gorilla!
To the guy in a wheelchair that stole my phone You can hide but you can't run
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl peeing? Because the p is silent. Yes. My 9 year old cracked me up with that just now.
What did the guy with a neckbeard say when he had to mail something twice? "REPOST!"
What do sperm and politicians have in common? About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.
What Obama is doing right now Sitting in the oval office with iPhone headphones on watching Mr. Robot. His advisors knocking on his door. "GO AWAY!"
Oldie but a goodie Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
So a man walks into a game shop and buys COD: Ghosts...... ...gets it home, plays it and realises it's the same as every other COD game ever. Guess that's not really a joke.....
One of the main differences between men and women Is the meaning of the phrase, "I used an entire box of tissues watching that movie."
What usually comes in handy? A virgin.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
in the harry potter universe, where do wizards with weird sexual fetishes go? AYN ALLEY
If you live in the US always be careful to not break your leg because you have to sell it after fixing it to cover the cost
A friend of mine was learning to drive. The problem was he couldn't get the hang of backing the car round corners. His instructor fixed him by using reverse psychology!
Men need 100% talent to succeed in life....... Women need only 4%..... because the remaining 36+24+36 helps.
Tater Tots are chewed up French Fries
What do Beethoven's 9th and a dead baby have in common? They're both D-composed.
How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? One. One to change it and his girlfriend to give him a blowjob when he's done.
The most common phrase in China: "Hey! You look familiar!"
What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children? A PDFile.
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
What do you get when you give a duck a knife? A murder most fowl.
What do you call a reptile that works as a detective? An investigator.
So a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer Killer: "Turn down that dark road." Rapist: "I was planning on it..." Edit - Thank you magnificent stranger for gold!
Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say 'are you'
Your mamma so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!!
No matter how hard you push the envelope it's still stationary. thanks dad!
estoy embarazada - Mi amor, estoy embarazada. Que te gustaria que fuera? - Una broma?.
I heard that loneliness can take 10 years off your life! I'm gonna die in 20 years.
What does weed and your girlfriend have in common? They both leave me sticky fingers. [7]
Katy Perry is what happens when an emoji comes to life.
Funny Jokes, I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute
My husband and I are thinking about leaving everything to our dog. What he will do with $20.00 I don't know. But I hope he enjoys it.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun. However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[stops during sex] If you spin my fanny pack around, there's sandwiches in there. Help yourself.
Why do terds taper at the end? So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty? Pessimist Prime
Reddit TIFU... ...since she said she wanted to be on top.
Feeling sad because my hamster died... Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.
I wonder if people with speech impediments get receding hair lips as they get older?
Professor: A wise man doubts everything.  Only a pin-head is positive.  Student: Are you sure of that sir?  Professor: Positive.
what do you call a guy in love with a foreign girl? cuntaminated
Last night I witnessed my dad having a stroke I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.
What's the difference between your job and your wife? Your job fucking sucks
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ? Because they're both full of stuffing !
Where does a snowman put his birthday candles?  On his birthday flake!
I once went to a zoo which had only one animal It was a Shih Tzu.
The hardest part of measuring Trump's package.. Is sneaking a ruler into Chris Christie's mouth
What I want for Xmas... I asked Santa for a sister. He asked for my mom.
How does a scientist make a hormone? The same way I do: don't pay her!
I'm sleeping in this morning. Bladder: MUHAHAHAHA!!
In the beginning there was nothing......then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Nuts nsfw What's nuts on the wall? Walnut What's nuts on a chest? Chestnut What's nuts on your chin? MY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH
I just found out that "Birdman" has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.
Wait, so you're saying these booklets are FREE? THESE booklets? Filled with HUNDREDS of real estate listings? OK, WHAT'S YOUR ANGLE?
The Amazing Spiderman was good but they didn't cover the part in his life where he co-founded Facebook...I assume that will be in the sequel...
Why Is Chemistry Racist? It's very selective. Edit. My first time making a joke. I know I can't make a joke. This is not directed at anyone.
Most of my friendships are based on if we watch the same TV shows.
A man had a tumor shaped like a bomber plane. It was B-9.
What's black and white and red all over? A bioracial double homocide.
Told by a 5 year old boy live on local radio: Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall? .....So he could see her crack....
Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...
What is the greatest shock ever? While having sex with pregnant woman a hand grabs your dick from inside.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? Well I can't jelly my dick up your ass
Dear @MSNBC, if it's something that Twitter told me 6 hours ago, then lets not consider it "Breaking News"
Has anyone seen the new Ebola video ? I heard it went viral.
I'm old school in the sense that I always put women and children first. I mean, there could be spiderwebs.
gleda Fata kuvarsku emisiju na TV... XD
I asked Santa for something to wear and something to play with... He brought me a pair of trousers with holes in the pockets. Merry Christmas everyone!
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take me a minute to get hard - I just got laid by a chick.
*kid opens Easter egg* *egg begins beeping* "Dad why's it ticking" SON NO THAT'S FROM THE- *egg explodes* *sheds tear* Middle-Easter bunny
[kids fighting in the back seat] ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON'T CUT IT OUT.
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You're fired. "Please, no. I can try harder." You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
What did Helen Keller say after being handed a cheese grater? That's the worst book I ever read.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they're just ikea product names (they are)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out-standing in his field.
My wife was stunned!!.. One day my wife and I were cuddling in bed when she said, "Hon, You are so cozy"... I got offended and yelled back, "Fuck you.. YOU are sarkozy"...
Fedoras most likely. Two hats are on a hat rack in a hallway. One says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
"One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider."
Someone asked Donald Trump for his position on women's rights. He said Doggy style
Remember when racism meant a political candidate wasn't viable? That was weird.
Did you hear about the fight at the homeless camp yesterday? It was in tents.
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... I need the cheap labor.
ISIS Comic Did you hear about the ISIS comic? He bombed.
Roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do?
Someone told me they could beat me in a photoshop battle. Adobe'd it.
What happened to the body builder ...whose favorite gym closed down? He was depressed.
Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away. Rest in peace Jay.
What does a Nazi Turkey say? Goebbels, Goebbels,Goebbels...
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone's iPhone? NSA: "U2's New Album"
McConaughey: I'll have a venti with cream please Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name? McConaughey: I don't know
Roze-Slovenijatruplo Band -Roses Boses
A guy asks imam at a mosque Guy: What's the Wi-Fi password? Imam: allahis12345
As a German, I sympathize with the unnamed masses of the Star Wars universe. For I too know what it's like to be betrayed by an evil Chancellor.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I like my women like I like my coffee Still a little bit warm
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Why do bees stay in their hive during Winter? Swarm.
How long after walking into someone's house is it acceptable to ask for their WiFi password?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
How is soy and dildos similar? They're both meat substitutes
Going to spend some quality time with my wife. Be back in 2 minutes.
Mom: You should come camping with us! It's only $100! Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside? Mom: Yeah. Me: I'm getting a new Mom.
Why Weren't There Many Jokes in the Dark Ages? No one could perform the execution well enough.
so the new ghostbusters took a trip to the hospital recently and i.m over here like 'ladies, you have to wait.'
Did you hear about the narcoleptic, necrophiliac mortician? He fell asleep in the job.
Where do Muslims go on a weekend? To Mecca Bingo.
The Chocolate Bar by Ken I Havesum
What's 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.
Maybe it's just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
One ply toilet paper. Get in touch with your inner self.
Whenever someone asks if I'm a robot I tell them no I'm androidgynous.
How many vegetarians does it take to eat a whole hotdog? Just one, with ten vegetarian hotdogs.
In the end, I decided not to visit that new Police Hair &amp; Nail Salon. You hear all kinds of bad things about Police Beautality.
[rap battle] *drops the mic* *scrambles around trying to pick up the mic* [20min earlier] *other guy covering my mic in butter*
Why all Tickle me Elmo dolls are male. They all get two test tickles before they leave the factory.
I have been working on some jokes about Parkinson's disease. But the punch lines are all a bit shakey at best.
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
Please ignore this status..... I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting.
Sad Dick A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
How does the astronaut cut his hair? Eclipse
Why was the pirate arrested for polygamy? He kept on and on about his mateys.
What sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
What did the cab driver say when the black man got into his cab? Where to sir?
If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter? Because it's a gas planet.
The set of tools that mods can use.
Why did 9 bust 1? Because 6 8 9
What technology are old people better at using than young people? Life support.
What's the most boring cut of meat? Filet minYAWN
I always get chloroform confused with chlorophyll. This guy I kidnapped is awake and angry but his leaves have never been more lush.
I like my coffee how I like my women Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America
Obama's reaction to NSA scandal "This technology means spies will never have to use windows ever again."
What goes 'clippidy clop bang bang clippidy clop'? An Amish drive-by.
How can you tell when a wine connoisseur is happy? They have a semillon!
Knock Knock... What's the best "Knock Knock" Joke?
How do you get a kid to stay low to the ground? "DUCK!" How do you get a kid up and running? "GOOSE!"
which cola brand sources its water from the oceans? PepSi
I adopted a rescue dog early this morning... But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit.
You can keep retaking all the photos you want but that's just what your face really looks like
Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it's the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Sam Allardyce is a disgrace and needs to be punished, humiliated and made an example of... Therefore he should continue as England Manager
What do you call a psychiatric patient who is afraid of doors? Unhinged
You Must Be From Ireland Because everytime I see you my penis be Dublin.
1 3 5 7 I can't even.
What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry ? An aero-drone !
I'd make a terrible beaver during the holidays... Because I couldn't give a dam.
[audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly
What's two holes in a hole ? My nose up your ass.
I once raised a roof, and now that he's all grown up he never writes or calls.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? Pimples don't come on boys faces till they hit 13
If you were killed by a cop... ..which store would you want looted in your memory?
What's the Only Planet That Gives a Crap? Uranus.
Why didn't the bicycle cross the road? ...he was two-tired...
The other day I stayed in a very swanky hotel ... ... I had to shave before they let me go in their barbershop.
What do you call a pissed-off Founding Father? A Cranky-Doodle-Dandy!
France is such a shitty country Even the nice parts are rundown
What's the best way to lose some pounds? Leave the EU.
What did the one melon say to the other melon? We're too young to marry. We cantaloupe.
Have you ever heard of Tupac? You probably haven't, he's pretty underground
What letter has to wait in line the longest? Q
How come Jesus didnt play hockey? He kept getting nailed to the boards!
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Hitler must be the best Call of Duty player ever He killed 6 million and only died once
Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
The difference between a tire and a black man... A tire doesnt start to rap when you put chains on it.
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bunjee cord? My ass!
Tweet idea: a funny and popular one
How do Harry Potter fans flirt? Hey baby, mind if I *Slytherin* ? ;)
Where did Mary go during the bombing? Everywhere
Me and my twin brother are always finishing each others sentences. The prison wardens are none the wiser.
I hear there's a pre-credit stinger in Batman v. Superman But it's not worth sticking around for.
My favorite kinds of people are sandwiches.
I need to workout ASAP I gotta start working out or something man. Was struggling to get all the juice squeezed out of a lemon. Not cool
Juneau what Juneau is the capital of? No?... I guess Alaska professional!
What does an orphan get for Christmas? Really lonely.
"Haha those 'said no one ever' jokes are pretty funny" -said no one ever
What is the difference between Jelly and Jam? You can't jelly your cock down your girlfriend's throat.
Bad luck Steve Irwin. Puts on sunblock. Doesn't protect against harmful rays.
If you notice This notice, then you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Today my wife was on her knees before me. ...screaming: "Don't you hide under the bed, asshole!"
Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix So don't drink and derive
My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas. So far she's getting a McChicken.
Me: i'll have a beer Bartender: ok it's on the house buddy Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i'm not climbing up there again
How Far Can a Fox... Q: How far can a fox run into a grove? A: Only halfwaythen he's running out of it! Click here: http://redd.it/2o1hgq
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
What does Disney and the porn industry have in common? They both hire adults that look like teenagers.
What do black coffee and Ginger Baker have in common? They're both terrible without cream.
A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplanecrash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They've recovered 300 bodies so far,and they're still digging them up.
Why did the console peasants walk across the road? To render the building on the other side.
What's the difference between a fence and Ellen Pao One knows how to link properly.
A repost walks into a bar
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to *want* to be screwed in.
I got arrested for creating a youtube channel Cat videos and DIY makeup channels are the most popular on YouTube. But apparently you run into all kinds of trouble when you combine the two.
Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.
Not to toot my own horn but.. I got my bottom 2 ribs removed
My wife says she's leaving me, because the beginnings of my jokes are becoming cliched and predictable...
Hey baby, are you a gorilla exhibit? Coz I wanna drop a baby into you.
What is the cheapest part of a boat? The part with the sail in it.
Pilot: "What does this button do?" *intercom turns on* Pilot: "Doesn't do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do."
I wish there was an app that would let you take a picture of a woman and then it would tell you if she was into guys with race car beds.
A Jewish kid asks his father for twenty dollars. His father replied, "ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's one cent."
I like girls how I like my clothes. Whitewashed. Clean and fresh. Hung. Edit: Ninja edit
Why did the funny kid in class have no friends? The rest of the students were scared of class clowns...
What is a cannibal's favorite soup Sign language soup
The theme song from The Golden Girls is stuck in my head. and now its in yours too. Your welcome.
today, i learned that "Donald Trump" is an anagram of "Tan Dump Lord" ...it's like his parents knew all along
*looks at watch* come on, I gotta get back to browsing the same four websites over and over
Did you hear about the U2 benefit concert? It was pro bono.
Wait...you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
A new zoo opened up in my town, but it only has one dog. It's a shih tzu
If you want to feel the bern Have unprotected sex.
What do you call a gorilla that got shot even though it didn't want to do anything wrong? King Kong
I told my wife I was going to start collecting rare watches... She wondered how I would find the time.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I wish I was as photogenic as most puppies.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... The one deer turns to the other and says "I cant believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
Everclear songs are really easy to play on guitar It's because their dad's weren't around to give them music lessons.
"Don't get any ideas." - Worn out light bulb
Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint? He suffered blunt force trauma
When it comes to anagrams, I don't know my earholes from my arsehole.
The trouble with jokes about herbal tea... Is that you can see the punchline camomile away.
Police Chief: Why do you spend all your time trying to hit flies? Officer: You assigned me to the swat team didn't you?
DADT repeal is causing apprehension and high expectations among the military's top brass The navy, in particular, is eagerly awaiting a flood of fresh seamen.
What happens to the cow on her period? She gets MOOOOOODY
I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs
[NSFW] What do woman and airplanes have in common? They both have cockpits.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
What do radical feminists say when they are about to explode? **RAPE!!!**
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six. Me: Where's the 5th? FG: Cinq.
Why was C afraid ? Because other alphabets were **NOT-Cs**
I've always thought that the phrases 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' meant the same thing Until I went to a funeral
What's the difference between the lavatory and the cemetery? No difference - when you gotta go, you gotta go!
How do you circumsize a blue whale? Four skindivers
Let's cure feminism with the 7up plan. Wake up Chin up Grow up Cheer up Lighten up Loosen up But most of all SHUT THE FUCK UP!
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them,  "no."
[Meta] Anyone else hate jokes that are too long? They usually have too many characters.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
What do you call a disabled kid in a hot car A vegetable
Why wouldn't the piglet's mother let her read romantic novels? She was afraid her daughter would run away with a wolf.
Where do turkeys go to have a good time? The Turkey Club
Man, I have really bad diarrhea I need to get my shit together.
I was going to go to a clairvoyants meeting the other day but.... it was cancelled due to unforeseen events.
I love my cat, and my cat loves me. The feline's mutual.
What is the title of Martha Stewart's culinary anthology? "Cooking: The Books"
I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
I'll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
What does Kansas and jews have in common Dust in the wind
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says "oh, you want to see crazy?" Reassure her that you do not.
Me and bros invented a new drinking game Draw a card, and if its black, take a shot we call it Ferguson
Why shouldn't ISIS be destroying ancient Mesopotamian buildings? Because it's frowned upon in Islam to smoke ziggurats.
recruiter: u should join the army octopus: buddy I'm army enough as it is
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
What's grey and comes in litres? An elephant. Apologies if this is a repost - heard it yesterday and had to share.
I once asked a girl out on a date to perform in my favorite hobby. She demanded there be no strings attached We had a shit day flying kites
A German, an American and a Russian...... A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?
Gay men make me puke I wish they wouldn't shove it down my throat.
My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused. Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.
Why is pound cake called pound cake? Because it pounds your anus!
Guess What? Chicken Butt.
If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.
They say never go food shopping when you're hungry ... haven't "they" heard that "seven days without food makes one weak?"
I searched for a Colt 45 Silencer online... Result: http://puu.sh/mXB3Y/129ff5c7f0.jpg P.S. If this is the wrong subreddit, let me know.
What do you call a man who cuts down trees? A tree feller.
What to say during sex * ooh * ee * ooh ahh ahh * ting * tang * walla walla bing bang
What is Will Smith's job ? He's a blacksmith
The bible says any man who lies with a man should be taken out and stoned, so I took all my gay friends out and got them wasted.
Being a bigger account doesn't make you a better person. We're all terrible people. We're on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
What's the difference between a weatherman and a well-hung dick doctor? One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.
A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar and says: "Hey bartender! I fucked your mum last night!" The bartender looks up and replies: "Fuck off dad, I'm working."
I don't downvote. It's bad karma.
Why did the /r/jokes subscriber cross the road? To shitpost "DAE hate Trump and Hillary?"
What drug is most destructive with phones? Crack.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie U other breeders can't deny When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain. Captain: Are.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming.
What do you call a guy who pretends he can speak French? A francophony
New horizons takes picture of Pluto. What does Pluto say? "ewww delete it"
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn't lost on me. *faints*
Donald trump was caught masturbating during a rally, He was blowing his own trumpet.
Hey Target, it's Mid October, calm the fcuk down!-Santa
I've stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,"I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait."
What did the socialist use before candles? Electricity.
I hate when people ask me what I see myself doing in five years time... It makes me think of a time I won't be able to repost this fucking joke. Fuck 20/20 vision.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
What did one reddit user say to the other? (Punch line in comments)
Jokes (Jewish) Why does Jewish guys have big noses? - Because air is free -
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle why  don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
One time, I broke my iPhone and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person I don't like to talk about it
I'm a Poet... and I didn't even realise until just then.
Why do people always ask me for directions? I have no clue where I am going. I am sure i have sent 100's of people into the ocean.
So a baby seal runs into a club... ...
How does a gay male take off his condom? He farts.
Mommy, why am I getting my Christmas presents in august? "Because it's cheaper than chemo"
What has 3 teeth and 100 legs An unemployment line in Tennessee.
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the car? "Robin, get in the car."
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I wonder if whiskey thinks about me too.
What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday? Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.
I work in food service. .. We've cooked so many passover meals, it's like everyone is afraid of ovens.
If I had a dollar for every time a woman found me unattractive... They'd eventually find me attractive
The Flame of my Lighter smells of burned Nosehair!
What would you call the easter egg roll if Bernie Sanders became president? Weekend at Bernie's.
You can't fix stupid, but you can buy it a drink and tell it you're in Maroon 5
Did you hear about the guru who refused to let the dentist use Novocain to numb his mouth? The guru said he wanted to transcend dental medication
Hey, guy who named the mustache Hair lip was available
Reasons to date me: 1) 2) 3) please?
My wife just delivered twin boys and let me name them From her reaction, I'm guessing "Pete" and "Repeat" wasn't the best choice.
Did you know Garfield the cat used to be a hip hop artist? Word is he used to rap with OdieB
I finally found a girlfriend! She was lost untill she found me. I'm glad I could give her a ride to her boyfriend's house.
I got a 100 on my test! Because it was the answer to problem number 3 and not even the right answer.
Hi, what can I get for 25 cents? You can get the fuck out.
Like my Father always said, "I put my ass kicking boots on every morning" "Then after a long day of getting my ass kicked, I come home from work and take them off."
The only way I'd ever get to "bang" a hot chick, is if I run up to one and slam her head into a wall.
What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat.
What's the difference between a feminist and a spear... A spear has a point
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Men and women are not so different afterall They both imagine each other on their knees.
Alcoholics don't run in my family They just stumble around and break stuff
I was in a bad mood when my annoying sister asked me, "What do beavers do to a river?" God dam it
Group therapy One psychologist asked another psychologist how his agoraphobia group therapy sessions are going. "Not so good." "Why?" "No one ever shows up."
What's the difference between 3 and 13? Nothing, they both have 1 3
Today, I cleaned the house. It was awesome. My favorite part was finding things I didn't remember having. Like where'd these kids come from?
What do you call chickpeas cooked in a waffle iron? Fawaffle!
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it's the only love they get.
I heard that wordplay was illegal. Apparently there is serious PUNishment.
Have you heard about the new store coming to the mall? It's a pretty *hot topic*.
2 humorist were fixing a bomb in a car humorist 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing. humorist 2 : Don't worry, I have a one more.
What do you say to your laces to make them go away? Shoo laces
I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.
"Fruit OR Vegetable?" *pic of apple* fruit. *pic of carrot* vegetable *pic of Ryan Seacrest on life support* oh geez idk
What do you call sandpaper in Iraq? A map.
What did the french bloomers say to the sexy thong? Well I've 'ad me ups n downs, but I've never been pushed to one side...
Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy? Takes longer to pick up.
Why do bacteria congregate in public places? It's a part of their culture.
"How much would you say you read the Bible?" "Well, I don't read it religiously." Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.
My kid has slept over at Jared Fogle's house plenty of times and there's never been a problem. And as long as Jared keeps my Subway card full of points he will continue not having any problems.
I tried to make a few jokes about french people they were all really rude so I didn't bother
What did one nut say to the other? Nut-thing! ....I'll see myself out.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? - Quattro Sink-o
I like my women like I like my wine... 7 years old and locked up in a cellar
What do you call a tropical depression on a SE Asian island? Malaise-ia
I went to the zoo. So I went to the zoo last week. It was such a bad experience. I paid 20 bucks and there was only 1 animal there. A dog. It was a shit zoo.
What is the Opposite of Palindrom? NTSCindrom HAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAHAHA
How did the tree get on to Reddit? It just logged on...
A woman was robbed... ...but upon coming home she discovered that nothing was stolen apart from her lightbulbs. She was delighted
What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.
Don't you hate it when people attach little steering wheels to their penises? It drives me nuts.
I just heard Stevie wonder is a Terrible father... He never sees his kids
Why did Walter White not pay for his pizza? Because it was on the house.
African swimmer
What do you call an islander killed by a car? Polygon (sorry)
My teacher called me into her office today. She totally wants my D To go up to a C.
If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.
What did the Nazi say to the pregnant Jew? I see you have another Jew in the oven.
What type of people can you not stand? People in wheelchairs
What's the most confusing holiday in the hood? Kwanzaa. I don't think anyone has a clue what that holiday is.
What's it called when a pig kills itself? Soooey!-cide
Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.
They say nobody likes Nickelback... ... but there's **gotta be somebody.**
Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Bush meets Jared one did 9-11. the other did 9-11 year olds.
Q: "What has an IQ of 42?" A: "40 Marines plus their lieutenant"
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
What number is most common in earth sciences? e
In the event of death... find peace in Trump.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet? M- Are you sure you just don't want to know where baby's come from?
Jokes about 9/11 Shouldn't be allowed to fly.
What's an activity 9/10 people enjoy? Gang rape.
How gays decide who will be on the top? With a swordfight.
I'm donating my body to science. I'm getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing Serves him right
WIFE: I can't believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me ME: Cut me some slack  he was wearing your perfume
Why did James Comey refuse to indict Hillary Clinton? Because he found his suicide note in her Wikileaks emails.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me? *I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can't remember my son's name
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there's also kids with machine guns so I'm not going.
What's the difference between a pizza and a jew? The pizza doesn't scream in the oven
*Crime Scene Cop: (cuffs the dog) Detective: what the hell are you doing? Cop: Sir, I think we're dealing with a shapeshifter
I'm going to start an abortion clinic... ...called "Don't Kid Yourself."
RT if u ever stare at a computer screen for so many hours that ur body ceases to exist and u live entirely within a virtual reality
Knock Knock Who's there ! Avery ! Avery who ? Avery time I come to your house we go through this !
I recently received my PhD in palindromes. I now go by Dr. Awkward
Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones  hit the jackpot.
Have you ever wondered why Aspirin is white? It's because it works!
A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country? an ill-eagle immigrant
Whats the difference between my sex life and my virginity? I have a virginity.
A gentleman is ... a man who gets out of the shower to take a pee
What did one dehydrated French man say to the other? What are we going to do now, Pierre?
[Dr's office] "I have Carrie like reflexes" Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? *Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire* No
Juliet: yo I'm dead Romeo: same Juliet: OR AM I...
It was my grandmas birthday yesterday... She loves giraffes so I brought her deep throat 4 on DVD
I will not mess up this omelet.. I will not mess up this omelet.. I will not mess up this omelet.. I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
What do you get if you cross a skunk  and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven!
Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke? He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.
Why weren't the baked beans heating up? They were just chilling
i have 2000 karma in the sum of all my accounts and yet i feel no one respects my opinions maybe that's because i have 2500 posts
Having sex on when your so is on her period isn't funny. You guys are just bloody dickheads.
Me: We broke up. Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy. After all, he killed Hitler.
7 barges into bathroom while I'm showering, laughs & says "I saw your peanut." He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
old man gets a call from his wife wife: "stay off the highway. I'm watching the news and there's a maniac driving into oncoming traffic!" old man: "it's worse than you think! I see hundreds of them!"
Question: What's another name for pickled bread? Answer: Dill-dough.
Did you know that if you put your finger on your nose there is a 99% chance... That your finger is gonna be on your nose... What were you expecting to find?
Pickup line! NSFW Did you watch the news report on how sausage can give you cancer? Well I know where you can find one which won't give you cancer ;)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo ? One is really heavy........ The others a little lighter.
LPT: Next time you want to tell someone facing you "my right" just say left
My brother thought his vasectomy ... would keep his wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changed the color of the baby.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
What do you call a person that hangs out with musicians A drummer
SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Prostitutes in Amsterdam are very demanding... The last one I went with made me wash my Old Man in the sink! Can't even remember why I took Dad in the first place.
Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
What do Mexicans put under their carpet? UNDERLAY! UNDERLAY!
So a celebrity fired a gun at someone today She was a shooting star
Who is this Rorschach guy?... ...and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
What do you call spaghetti pretending to be rigatoni? An impasta
Him: What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god? Me: oh, um, science.
How do mermaids have babies? Sea-sections
How do you comfort a grammar nazi? "There, they're, their."
What's another name for the child sex offender registry? The pedo file.
What's the similarity between a marriage and a tornado? At the start there's lots of sucking and blowing but in the end you lose your house.
Pregnant. It's like ignant, but there are 2 of you.
Why is Al Gore bad at dancing? You can't put passion into an Al Gore Rhythm (algorithm). Anyone? Anyone?
Restaurant At restaurant, We wait for a waiter to bring order... Aren,t we waiter too...
"I don't get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses..." -Superman
Did you guys hear about the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder? I hear he got alittle behind in his work
Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.
What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's? Jackpot!
What did the ruthless businessman say to  his employees? If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
Why is it so hard to give up fizzy drinks? That shits like liquid Coke!
Why did the director yell at Kick at the set of Punchkicker 5? Because he said Punch's line.
What do you call a fish with no "eyes"? Fsh
WIFE: Don't tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Why did they produce a reality show about midgets? Because they only wanted a little drama.
20 blondes are standing outside a bar. On the other side of the street another blond is walking by; "Hey, come over here. You have to be 21 to enter"
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE! I said STOP RUNNING! STOP RUNN.. YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I saw a hot dog vendor today... She was good looking, but I don't really want a dog.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire? "I'm getting the fudge outta here!"
So 2 trains crashed in Germany today... Lets just hope the train wasn't going to Auschwitz or more then Germans would have gotten injured.
Why is PMS called PMS? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken!
My friends joke he made up!! Why can you ask a NewZealander how many sexual partners they have had? Because he would fall asleep counting all the sheep. (Btw we are Australian sooo)
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said "People are a prototype" and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
A toothless termite walks into a bar... and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
We got a new whiteboard at the office today... It's remarkable!
Q: What's the difference between a  counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck.
How do you have a mustache without people calling it a pedophile mustache? Just have a little square under the nose.
"I love you...conditionally." -Cats
Jared Fogle is going to prison. It looks as if his steady diet of footlongs will continue
*at the pharmacy* I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH *pharmacist blinks* GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
they found out a man was having sex with a sheep and when the sheep was asked what it was like, all it could say was BA- A-A-D!!, BA-A-A-D!!!.
How many Millennials does it take to change a light bulb? None! We don't change light bulbs. We disrupt them.
Arguing on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics Even if you win, you're still fucking retarded.
Me: I have to lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise everyday. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym. Me: Is that cake?
.@WebMD a girl just texted me "K" am i going to die
Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube? Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.
Yesterday my friend said he was scoring all of these bitches! It turned out he was just walking 15 pitbulls! Lame...
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we're essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best? Lap-top!
What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through? Oh God, not the B's!
Grammar Nazis really make me fuhrious. I'm sorry. That joke was really out of mein kampfort zone. Anne Frankly, it was just bad.
Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills.. All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I'm motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
It's ironic that pregnant people have to order virgin drinks.
What do you say when trying to catch the elevator? "Hodor! Hodor!"
Hillary: After Benghazi Hearing I "Sat Around Eating Indian Food And Drinking Wine And Beer" Christie: "Just another Tuesday morning for me."
Watching real love on shows like The Bachelor makes me realize my own marriage is a fake bucket of shit.
What is the difference between a Ford car and a porcupine? Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
My sister bet 100 dollars that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
I'm having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it's mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I'm having wine  for dinner.
With all the news about Bristol Palin's pregnancy, I can't help but think abortion may have been the right answer... Her grandmother probably regrets not having one.
What do you call a sexually repressed bandit? Rubbin' Hood
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber!
Why is the moon tastier than Earth? It's meteor.
Please just try it. Every woman you see tonight: "Sexy Gary Busey?"
I thought about starting a support group for pessimists... ...but why bother, it's not like it'd make any difference anyway...
Some say to let sleeping dogs lie But I say sleeping dogs should be held accountable for their actions
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
How did i escape Iraq? Iran.
Cannibal boy: mommy I don't like grandpa Cannibal mom: alright sweety, just eat the potatos
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
A drum solo but on your face.
Bartender, I'd like you to bring that brunette at the end of the bar a slice of your finest ham.
Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."
How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility? She's the one with dirty knees.
Teacher: If a chicken give you meat, a pig give you bacon, what does a fat cow give you? Student: HOMEWORK!
i mean, at some point the Absolute Funniest Thing Ever happened and i'd bet you $75 it involved a huge fart.
My girlfriend needs an abortion.... And Mexico is gonna pay for it.
"Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
*family meeting at Noah's house* who wants us to do what by when?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched that way.
Today I woke up to a blow job.. ..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.
What's the difference between David Lee Roth and Snoop Lion? David Lee Roth was in Van Halen Snoop Lion was in a van in halen
Two nuns went on a bike ride... ...and one says to the other, as they turn down a side street "I've never come this way before!" And the other replies "yes! It's the cobblestones!"
What are the sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken, Brown cow!
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full
Trying to Have a Baby Saying that "We are trying to have a baby" is the only discreet way I can tell my mother-in-law that I had sex with her daughter 4 times last week.
When I was 20 I took a vow of celibacy... My wife however called them "wedding vows"
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me? DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy DOG BOSS: who's Agoodboy? DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I have just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
A jewish boy asks his father.. Jewish boy: Father can I borrow $40? Father: $30?! What do you need $20 for??!!
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a broken vibrator? A dildon't
Fred: Do you like my new hairstyle? Harry: In as much as it covers most of your face yes.
I love standing up.. ..but I can't stand sitting down!
What's a bisexual's favourite food item? Chestnuts
I was worried about the price of bread in India But then I realized it's a naan issue.
Rumors. Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.
What changed to make The Fantastic Four the Fantastic Three? Nothing.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? Anything, what's he gonna do about it?
This bottle of vodka was on sale. So yes, I will party like it's $19.99.
Counterspace..... is that like antimatter?
Thought of a Chuck Norris joke today. This user no longer exists.
What do sex, Mexican food, and pizza have in common? They're all easy to do decent but hard to do great.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
I never proof read anything myself Instead, I just sandwich my writings with hateful opinions, post them to Reddit, and read the replies. People seem more than eager to point out my mistakes.
Only 90s kids will remember this (picture of burning buildings in Sarajevo) Wait wait no (picture ofmass graves in Bosnia) Wait no. Hold on
I don't get Trump's hate on Mexicans... ... They'll chant "You, ese!" just as well as any other person in this country!
What do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast? Didn't think you'd know.
I asked a coworker if she liked Mila Kunis. She said yes and all the better if I call her a whore afterwards. Then I saw her hearing aid.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I'm just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I'm all that's left.
What's the difference between a degree in Theoretical Physics and a theoretical degree in Physics? One is relevant and can get you a job. The other you went to university for.
What do Pink Floyd fans and NASCAR driver Kyle Larson have in common? They both love The Wall
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper. I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and brass balls? Sparky
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person's eyes I want them to whisper "Ew, ew, ew, ew." while doing it.
How much do flying broomsticks cost at Hogwarts? Quid each.
What fruit can't marry Cant-elope
The difference between being erotic and being kinky? It's erotic if you use a feather... ...but it's *kinky* if you use the whole chicken.
Why does Olaf have to be a snowMAN when he clearly has snow gender.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
What do you call a $300 hand job from a rapper? Beats by Dre.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom ...
"I want to take you home, pull off your jacket, run my hand down your spine and curl up with you on the couch." -- bibliophiles, to books
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me :(
What did one cell say to his sister after she stepped on him? Mitosis. Huehuehuehuehuehue
Don't say "ATM machine". The "M" already stands for "machine". It's redundant. It's like saying "end result" or "racist Fox News Anchor".
He died doing what he loved -- screaming for help and punching a bear.
I just spent two weeks in Vegas looking for my wife's killer... but no one would do it.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace* oh no, what happened? "my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking"
Apparently, Tiger is back in a bit of form. I wonder what her name is?
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a PB&amp;J. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Shout out to Roosterteeth
[on a speed date] (okay don't let her know you're a zombie) "so, what do you like best in a woman?" BRAAAIIINNNSS
McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.
Did you hear about the French baker who kept burning himself on the top shelf of his oven? He had a high threshold for *pain*
I've just got back from an undertakers convention and the main topic was new ways of disposing of the dead There was a lot of thinking outside of the box.
Two guys were competing to see who could masturbate into menswear the fastest... in the end it didn't matter, they both came in a tie.
My Aunt Mary got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants, the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.
According to every 80s movie ever, the only way to get home from school is by standing up in the back of a Jeep Wrangler with 5 other people
What did the spice say during climax? I'm cumin! I'm cumin!
What would Confucius say about errors made in elevators? He who makes a mistake in an elevator is wrong on many levels.
What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? a tire
I tried to catch some fog once... ...mist.
[my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"
In my opinion, One by Metallica... Is a 10/10.
I'm just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground] It doesn't say its specifically for babies, Karen
I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in months. I don't want to interrupt her.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo bean? You wouldn't pay money to have a Garbanzo bean on your face!
Ringling Bros. circus introduces the first female ringleader in 134 years! And now they're going out of business.
Why are you so pissed? You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking...
How to make a girl furious in 2 steps... Step 1, take a picture of her Step 2, don't show it to her
No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death God hates gags.
A man goes to heaven he says to God "i've been dying to meet you."
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. 
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!! Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days... 15 days later and I'm still black.
[hugging mom at sister's funeral] "And you said I'd never be your favorite"
Excuse me girlfriend for I have burped. It has been 3 weeks since my last apology
Well, it's Inauguration Day in America.... It's gonna be a great mourning.
Given the American diet, don't you think we'd have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
How about a game? You provide a random set up and we provide the punchline (PTP?). Most upvoted wins imaginary internet points.
What is a neckbeard's favourite email client? G'mail
[1st date] [to self] Don't let her know ur a boa constrictor Her: "How's your meal?" [i've dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
What do you call a child who shoots with twigs at a PTSD victim? TWIGERING
I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope.
Did you hear about the gynecologist... ...who wallpapered his front room through the letter box?
An assault rifle that only shoots blanks should be called a JK-47! I am fun at parties please invite me to them.
I tried telling a pun to a group of kleptomaniacs.. ..but they kept taking things literally
CNN reports Hurricane Patricia "hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity." Did they expect wealth-based discernment?
A pastor says to his congregation that being good is easy when you're a pastor, Because he gets paid to be good, but the people of his congregation are good for nothing.
9 years ago i asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today i asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Why do people who smoke weed take geology? Because they're STONERS!
What do you call a dinosaur that sleeps around a lot? A carniv-whore.
Every spiral staircase should sell a picture of you at the bottom showing how annoyed you looked walking down it.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get offa' my cloud." A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get offa' my ewe."
I'm a bad person... (NSFW) Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
I'm really claustrophobic and just walked into a room crammed full with married people... Luckily there wasn't a single person in it
My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I always relate everything to Batman. What a Joker.
Do you know what they say about guys who have big feet? They say "Do you know what they say about guys who have big feet?"
I heard today is World Alzheimer's Day Sorry, I just forgot.
Carrying a warm burrito in the big front pocket of my sweatshirt is the closest I'll ever come to understanding motherhood.
How can you make a witch itch? Take away her "W."
What does a Mexican cut a pizza with? Little ceasars!!! (Scissors)
Wife: "Do you want to watch Batman Forever?" Me: "I'll watch it for a couple of hours." Wife: "I hate you."
I heard that boomerangs are becoming popular again... They're really making a comeback!
Where do Na'vi go when they get hurt? ICU
Why cant miss piggy count to 70? Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
It takes a long time for a giraffe... ...to swallow its pride.
Unlike your boyfriend, cheesecake will never leave you or your hips.
When my kids get too loud in our minivan I simply race over the nearest speedbump to make them bite their tongues.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
"Rate your high fives on a scale of 1-10" "Oh, I would say they are a high five"
Dude it's 2014 if your kids aren't sending nudes left and right and cross platform then you gotta worry about their technological literacy.
Dear Gingers, It could be worse. Sincerely, Albinos
So a jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar... And the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships? Because they're always trying to find the x. They don't know y, either.
At the end of camp Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed. 'How did your trunk get so neat?' she asked her messy daughter. 'It was easy' said Julie. 'I just never unpacked!'
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes? Shut up.
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: They use honeycombs.
I met a Muslim biker once... He was the Sergeant at harams
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it.
How do all racist jokes start? *Looks over left shoulder* *Looks over right shoulder*
What's the difference between a small child and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
If you think I'm an alcoholic... If you think **I'm** an alcoholic, you should see this guy Jesus he got hammered in my church once.
Why did Mario always bring Toad to parties? Toad was a fungi.
What do you call Mariah Carey when she eats at a Indian restuarant? Mariah Curry
What did the self-deprecating Indian say about his car? "It has Injun problems."
[hands over brown bag with 10,000 ransom] "Now give me my wife." "This is short by 2.39" [hides Mcflurry] "it's all I got."
I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
I made up a joke about the 4th dimension It's about time.
What do you call a programming language designed for women? An object oriented programming language.
University: "Got any money for tuition?" Me: "Go Fish"
You guys should get [Naked](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/e/eb/NakedJuiceLogo.png/170px-NakedJuiceLogo.png) at Costco
A man with a gun shot his keyboard it typed POW
What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God? Eggnog-stic.
"What's life like in North Korea?" "Oh, I can't complain."
If Twitter has done nothing else, it's trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
What's the definition of an african-american? Proof that skunks and monkeys fuck.
Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection But he told me it was all in my head.
Would you watch a turkey dance? No, but I'd watch a chicken strip.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.
What do they call a bra in Sweden? A holdsemfromfloppin
What's the worst period of Caitlyn Jenner's life? There is none.
I once heard a dirty intellectual joke It blew my mind !!
I just realized the reason old people seem so angry is because we've ruined everything.
Why do you have to pee so quickly after you start drinking beer? Because it doesn't have to stop off to change color!
What do you call an overpriced castration? A divorce.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
What do you call a Jewish man, mid ejaculation? A Heblew.
I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says....
Why should you never play poker with a crocodile? You will lose every hand.
I painted my computer black in hopes that it would run faster. Now it wont work.
1 out of every 5 kids face hunger the other 4 turn away
Secondary School Pick up Lines Are you the Detention room because i'm going to spend the next two and a half hours inside you
Found another spider in my bedroom, so now I'm on the curb watching my house burn down.
It's taking Arby's forever to fry my salad.
if you're feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
(Stalker Diary) Day 4: Still under her bed. She continues to put the toilet paper roll on upside down. It's like I'm living with a monster.
I am really feeling like a bicycle today. Too tired!
My Lebanese friend knocked over his dip. I had to report him for hummus-side. Edit: changed arrest to report because reasons.
What's the best thing about going on a surprise vacation with a gay guy? His shit's already packed.
How do you fit an elephant into a subway? Take the "S" out of sub and the "F" out of way.
An exchange in Frasier Niles: she was eerily calm. She just stood there rubbing her ocelot. Martin: you know they got a cream for that
My girlfriend hates it when I surprise her when shes sleeping... OK, so she's not my girlfriend yet...
How do you find Will Smith in the Snow? I don't know. Just look for the Fresh prints! Ha ha.  He's also black.
If you die from one of the diseases you can get on The Oregon Trail, I'm gonna laugh at you. Sorry.
Wanna hear a racist joke? Shame on you
New users will never know about the old Twitter. I'll tell them stories of it, and how I walked uphill both ways. In the snow.
I just brought a new computer... When i turned it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it said " Hello". It's a Dell.
[dinner w/friends] "How long you two been married?" It's been thirt- (wife shaking head) teenish twenty- (still shaking) for a long time.
Nickelback's career is dead... They are more washed up than a Syrian toddler.
"Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong." - murderers, apparently.
Can you get high off of viagra? Yes, but only if you lay on your stomach.
"Hi-" "I have a boyfriend." "Do y-" "I have a boyfriend." "Excuse m-" "I have a boyfriend." "I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS."
A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere... And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" He replied: "Either way, we're having sex tonight"
Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly? Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.
When i heard they had invented a cure for dyslexia.... It was music to my arse
Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in his van? It took him 2 hours to get his drummer out.
My friend "Jesus wasn't that special"... After he said that I say "but he made thousands of people bread" He turns back to me and says "so what, hitler made 6 million Jews toast"
Valve Half-life 3 confirmed
I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is  to me. Please hold.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had a gun.
Don't hand me the phone Don't hand me the phone Don't hand me th-HIIIIII GRANDMA I'M GOOOOOD...
Scientists say they are working on bringing back the wholly mammoth. But at what cost? ...per pound?
What does Wayne Gretzky's wife call him? "Wayne"
WHAT A PRANK
You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let's get this relationship started.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes? Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue. Me: No wonder nobody's ever told you...
Do you like discounts? Don't worry at my house, my pants are 100% off
How is life at the post office going? It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness
What internet provider does Satan use in hell? Comcast
Two aboriginees, a mother and child, see a plane fly by The child asks, "mom, are planes good to eat?" The mother replies, "Planes are like lobsters, you only eat what's inside."
Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, "surprise adoption".
Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.
A dyslexic walks into a bra..
Does a cow have the Buddha-nature? Mu.
A guy says to his friend, "we should open a joint bank account." His friend says, "what for?" The guy says, "I just told you, weed money!"
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it
Why did the sushi cross the road? Sushi could get to the other side.
Why are there no elderly people in Africa? They all die when they turn aidy.
My coworkers are fucking retarded children. Surely thats illegal.
Why did the tiger get lost in the jungle? Because the jungle is massive!
Rule of thumb: if the picture you took of someone doesn't look like the pictures they post of themselves, don't tag them!
The New York Mets.
I ran into a man today who knew absolutely nothing about anatomy. I had to explain to him that there was a vas deferens between a testicle and penis. Edit: fixed "there"
HI? "The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease" ME? "yes" OH "sorry it's permanent" OK
Rumour has it that I got a new computer today... It's Adele!
Global warming can reduce terrorism because the isis melting.
Q: What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
A millimeter, a centimeter, and an inch jump into a pool but none of them know how to swim
Did it ever occur to you that people with tear drop tattoos are just really sad?
Why should you not argue with a decimal? Because decimals always have a point.
What did the mohel bring to the BBQ potluck? His homemade Bris-kit.
What did the fruit say to the vegetable? Lettuce be grape friends.
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!" *A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower* "Screw this!"
You walk into a bar It's a gay bar, faggot
What is the similarity between household chores and anal? You don't want to do it but your dad gives it to you anyways.
Whats the most sexually frustrated food? Cantaloupe.
What happens if I make a cake with washing soda, not baking soda? You end up clean round the bend. Apologies for stealing the title from /r/science
OMG!! Ellen Degeneras drowned last night! They found her face down in Rikki Lake!
Did you know frogs can jump higher than houses? This is for two reasons: 1. Frogs have extremely strong hind legs. 2. Houses can't jump.
What do you call it when Professor X does a wheelie? Professor +
How many planets are there in the solar system? There used to be nine, then there was eight and when I'm done with Uranus there'll be seven.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, "Save the whales!"
Ray Rice's wife apologized for her part in the "incident"?!?!? That's insane. What did she fumble her purse?
Specimen: An Italian astronaut
Why did the terrorist go to Sonic? To have a Blast!
It's weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.
You know what ruins a rape? Consent
Why isn't North Korea democratic? Because Kim Jung Un doesn't want a public erection
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino Elephino
How many months have 28 days in a leap year? 12 months not just february!
Your mama is sooooo. . . fat. Then when she comes over she blocks the Wi-fi signal.
What is the scariest thing about a white man in jail? ...you know he did it.
I have two requests for my funeral 1) be scattered at Disney Land 2) not to be cremated
We gave The Gap shit for the new logo. Then we gave The Gap shit for pulling it. Congratulations. We are a collective psychotic girlfriend.
I wish everyone would stop vaccinating their children. It's really cutting down these lines at Disneyland!
When do Arabs return their library books? the day they're Dubai.
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
I heard there was an amber alert! I was like "Shit Terrorist attack!But then my friend told it meant that some kid had gone missing. I was like "Oh thank god!"
Why was Hitler so obsessed about getting into heaven? Because there were 6 million Jews waiting for him in hell.
Hey girl, you smell like you're going to give me the wrong number.
Why does Santa deliver all the presents Because it's for a good clause
I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.
Where will you find the best jokes? Not on /r/jokes
I don't think my Mom knows much about  children. Why do you say that? Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake and gets me up when I'm sleepy!
Why are there gay aliens on mars? Because curiosity got the best of them.
You're so poor... Ethiopians donate to you.
"The toilet's blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-" [Bowser spits coffee] "Which plumber?"
I used to joke that someday a person's tweets would be held against them as they ran for President but now there's Trump so I guess not.
Do you like whales? Cause I thought we could "Humpback" at my place.
What does a lesbian pirate say? Scissor me timbers!
What do you do if hou are cold? If you ever get cold, stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually 90 degrees.
What do you call a fat guy, from New Orleans, that never tells the truth? A jambo-laya. Thanks for coming out, I'll be here till Thursday.
Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome. I really didn't like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.
My least favorite thing about babies is how they don't understand it's the weekend.
So I saw an internet survey the other day... and apparently 99.87% of the population was born on the 1st of January! How very strange!
My wife does not like orgasms I have her one last night and then she just spit it right out!
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers. But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
What's worse than six babies in one refrigerator.. One baby in six refrigerators!
Before you pride yourself on being a big fish, make sure you're not swimming in a puddle.
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay.
Your favorite drink must be ginger ale..... cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.
Standing behind a lady at Home Depot. Heard her ask for suggestions for tools to buy her grandson who was studying to be a quantum mechanic.
I wish I grew up during the Great Depression That way every Sunday was soup or bowl Sunday
What is the worst thing about dating a Japanese girl? You have to drop da bomb on her twice
Why is the sky blue? And how can we cheer it up?
I have to be honest, before the Winter Olympics I just thought Canada was a place Michael Moore made up.
What do you call a quaterpounder with cheese in Zimbabwe? A yeast infection!
Did you hear Adrian Peterson is trying out for the MLB? Apparently he's one hell of a switch hitter.
A Dutch guy, a Belgian guy and a Greek guy are sitting in a room The Dutch guy had a joke, but wanted money for it. The Greek guy couldn't pay it and the Belgian guy didn't get it.
[commercial for mops] *scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor* "There has to be a better way" Narrator:MOPS
What do you call a troupe of performing Redditors? Cirque le Jerk
How do you tell if a girl is wearing no knickers By the dandruff on her shoes
"WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T POOP"
What do you call a know-it-all that likes doing bad stuff to kids? Encyclopedophile
How many Meth-Heads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, One to hold the lightbulb and Two to smoke till the room spins!
What did the Nazi say to the clock that went tick-tick-tick? Ve have vays of making you tock...
I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie But some people say that's irrational...
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
It's actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin? It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It's like they don't know I plan on cropping them out later.
Wow. Those Spaniards are some die hard Ozzy fans.. ..cause they really went off the rails on a crazy train.
*becomes suddenly aware of the overwhelming amount of beauty and horror in the world and the brief second in time we exist on it* what the
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate? Your ears.
Give a retarded man a fish... And he'll plant it and try to grow a fish tree.
I'm holding a latte and a scone while I break into this Audi so people think it's mine and I've locked my keys in it.
I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people... But it needs more work
My wife...it's difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore
On a scale of 1-10 How old was Michael Jackson's boyfriend?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I can count the number of times I actually used a flyer on one hand... And still have five fingers remaining.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.
I used to like banking... ... But then I lost interest.
My German sausage didn't come with a bun... It was just the wurst.
If I were black... I'd stand in front of a tanning salon and laugh at all the customers. Source: Neal Brennan
I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play too."
What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a coconut? Coconuts have hair
Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.
Naming my favorite books is like choosing which of my kids I love more! In that I have a full list right here, do you have a pencil ready
Totally thought I was on the phone with my mom for an hour today. Was Daniel Day Lewis the whole time. Damn he's good.
When I see a car with a Romney bumper sticker driving near a car with an Obama sticker I want them to turn into transformers & battle
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Just kidding... He hasn't unwrapped his present yet
I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway offers over 19 different ways to Eat FreshTM
Have you heard that HPV had spread to birds? It has caused multiple cases of aviary cancer.
You can never tell when someone's had plastic surgery. It always looks super real & not weird or awful. You should get some.
What happened to the Indian that drank too much? He tee-peed his pants.
After having three children I started having trouble remembering their names... So I just called them Eenie, Meanie, and Moiney. I didn't want any Mo.
What do black people and a tornado have in common? It only takes one to ruin a neighborhood.
What do you call the CFO of a landscaping company? A hedge fund manager
My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper.
I was walking in the woods the other day... ... when I ran into a bear and I accidentally played Dad instead of Dead. Now it can ride its bike with not training wheels
Top Rated Videos: Dangerous Joke ever.Baby is being Edict.awkward http://streetpranks.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/dangerous-joke-everbaby-is-being.html
I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.
Why does SnoopDogg always carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
What is it called when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
There once was a jealous zombie... But he ate his heart out.
I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment. I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.
I have the Heart of a Lion.... And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo...
.oneliner ihave a friend who does porn; she says it.s not as hard as it looks...
Yo mamma is so fat... That she literally ate my dick.
Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they're going to say no.
Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party? He was going as a banana.
The sign of a true gentleman... ...is one who knows how to play the bagpipes, but chooses not to.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
What is the difference between an American rabbit and a French rabbit? The American rabbit goes hippity hop and the French rabbit goes lickety split!
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
My shiny watch has had a peaceful life... ...it's always had the time to reflect upon itself.
You know those couples who are into butt stuff from time to time? It's only occas-anal.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. EDIT: LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don't do teeth.
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.
What do you call a gangster with no limbs? A crip
Lesbian Joke Why can't lesbians wear make-up and go on a diet at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig when Mary Kay is already on her face.
No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?
How do African mermaids cover their tits? They use sea bras.
Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
What do you call an orchestra with bronchitis? A coughcoughony!
My roommate said he was going to quite masterbating I asked how that was going. He said, "I don't know man I just haven't been feeling myself."
What is the radio operator's favourite romantic story? R and J
What did 0 say to 8? Nice Belt.
I finally found out how Asians have an upper hand in video games! Squint your eyes. You see much better, right? Well Asians eyes are always squinted!
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
what's food backwards? vomit
Why do Buddhist monks have such sour faces? Because they're acetic.
A real titty bar would only serve milk.
I am 72% Jesus Jesus walked on water. Watermelons are 72% water. I can walk on watermelons. Therefore, I'm 72% Jesus.
Birthday Every year on his birthday, Chuck Norris selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
Jay Z should give credit to those who came before him ...like Sandra Dee and Danny Kaye
I believe the children are our future and they should be praised and nurtured because they are the bus drivers and cabbies of tomorrow, and I drink a lot.
"As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is... Linda, where is everyone?" "They all called to say they're running late"
[NSFW] I was seeing a girl once, five actually... Then the sorority started looking into the strange sounds in the attic.
how did the ghost get to the hospital? in the amBOOlance
What do you call an imp that is rushes to the hospital? Impatient OC from r/dadjokes
Today there was a sale at the Maul Everything was half off
I'd like to give a shout out Shout out to all the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
What is a seal's favorite drink? Club soda
I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself? Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day? Too hard on the mule.
I don't blame Cat Zingano. I'm sure most men don't last 12 seconds with Rhonda Rousey either.
What do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee cord? My ass. TL'DR - My ass.
Really stupid math joke What do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he's very well off and he can afford the finest ingredients.
My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.
I hate Russian nesting dolls They're so full of themselves
I lost my party bot 2000 I'm sure it'll turn up though
My girlfriend is like Christmas.. Only comes once a year.
Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted Wife: Ya? Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works Her:.. Me: No way a baby's gettin in here.
What do you call a snarky criminal going down a flight of stairs? A condescending con descending.
I used to be into necrophilia, S&amp;M, and Bestiality... Then i realized i was beating a dead horse. *i'll let myself out*
In response to the "How do you starve a black person" joke. I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free, you racist son-of-a-bitch!
Can you spell very happy with three letters? XTC (ecstasy).
me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED' thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit me: Bitey loves kids doe
Why do cemeteries have fences? Because people are dying to get in.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.
Q: What is 68 to a blonde? A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
A blonde walks into a bar She asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gives it to her.
Its march already Life is marching forward
Aching Joints by Arthur Itis
Donald Trump wants to build a wall along the Mexican border but he wants them toupee.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated during algebra class. It was a weapon of math disruption.
[OC] What did the disgruntled barber give to the prince? A bad heir day.
"What charities do you donate to?" "I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."
If a tree falls down, and only a women hears it. What the fuck was a tree doing in the kitchen?
I saw an old French prostitute last night, what's her name? Toulouse.
What is juicy on the inside, dry on the outside, and has "apple" in it? A roasted baby with an apple in its mouth.
I looked up in the sky and a bird pooped in my eye I'm sure glad cows can't fly.
I was buying tickets with a friend at the cinema Staff: "for the hobbit?" Me. : "no, she's my friend"
Did you hear about the boy born with no eyelids? Doctors decided to make some for him out of his foreskin. They say that the boy is doing fine now, but he's a little cock-eyed.
I like to call my dick Metapod.... Cuz all it does is harden
What's the difference between a lawyer and whore? The lawyer can't guarantee to get you off.
I'm a tree born and raised in Israel... ...A Hasidic Yew.
What is the car that everyone sleeps in? The Ford Siesta Many thanks to /u/ekhappychap for that one.
I always get "homophobe" and "homophone" mixed up. I just know one of them likes caulk.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*registering with a doctor* Receptionist: "Thanks for filling in the form - you've missed the next of kin section" *batman runs out crying*
Why did the genie turn the man into a toad? He rubbed him the wrong way.
Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.
Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
Why cant Gingers make shoes? They wouldn't have a sole.
Why did the redneck take his cat to Walmart after running over it's tail with the lawn mower? Because they're the largest re-tail-er
Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.
Why is gravity the weakest of the 4 fundamental forces? Because it doesn't even lift.
Dinosaurs never had peanut butter and jelly and they all died.
My mother went missing in Vietnam during the war... Momma MIA!
The Chinese police made an arrest today, but he wasn't charged. They arrested the Wong man.
How to annoy your children: Me: Don't come in here without knocking Child: Ok *leaves* *knocks* M: Who is it? C: It's me! M: Go away
Sharks have a whole week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
Why are british employees fat Because they get paid by the pound
Awkward penguin http://tinypic.com/R/2lcwja/8
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don't need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It's bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me: "Hello? Yeah hi I'm calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what's her number?"
The Cheesecake Factory had a "Help Wanted" sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn't to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
What does a guy who's never had sex and feminists have in common they both get annoyed when you start talking about all the girls you've sleep with
What was the ninja pigs' surprise attack called? Hambush
Why did the scout leader get arrested? They caught him eating a brownie
In the book I'm currently reading, there's a section that talks about the vagina. It's my favourite passage.
After sex I always get out my phone and order my wife a dozen roses. My girlfriend thinks I'm hilarious.
How does every racist joke start? *Looks around the immediate area*
A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Tourette's. The librarian says, "Fcuk off, you cunt." The man says, "Yep, that's the one."
SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert JESUS: Oh yeah I can't wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy
What disease does a mad scientist have? boffin spongiform encephalopathy
I looked around for hours, trying to find a Nude Beach. ...but they were all clothed.
How many mods does it take to switch a light bulb? [deleted]
There's nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.
Apathy, lethargy, stationary. Words to live by.
We won't know we've truly made it as a society until computers in movies stop making beeping noises
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
Why was the girl's bellybutton bruised? Because her boyfriend was blind.
I've been reading a book called 1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
What do Penises and Rubik's Cubes have in common? The more you play with them, the harder they get
We are in the golden age of watching videos on your phone.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her!
What did terrorists say in Paris? "Charlie has been neutralised"
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She didn't wear a seatbelt.
I can't wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Did you hear Santa is getting divorced? Mrs. Clause caught him with a HO-HO-HO......
My yard is full of bear traps cos I'm a bit weird about sharing milkshake.
Spelling error to avoid: "Biden" is the name of the Vice President, "bidet" is your butt-washer.
How does a sailor remove a condom? He farts.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard.
An interesting fact about owls. Their heads can rotate up to 360 degrees before it comes off in your hand.
Why should you distrust atoms? Because they make up an awful lot of stuff. EDIT: Because I forgot about neutrinos.
one plus one equals a window
Wisdom There comes a time in a man's life where he stops and askes himself "Should I stick my penis in there?"
*interrupts eulogy* SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us ENGLISH TEACHER: Why's the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard? ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I tried to make the earthquake drill realistic by throwing glass shards and screaming "You fuckers are dead." I'm no longer safety captain.
Donald Trump's bid for the presidency. [See: username]
Clyde: I'm looking 4 a partner. What's ur name? "Bonnie" C: That ur real name? "Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker" C: ...Bonnie it is
Yeah, I'm majoring in math. Then when I graduate I'll get a job down at the math factory. Maybe even work my way up to CEO of math one day.
May I get your name? Yes, its "I'm The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee."
What's the difference between my Grandma and the FBI? My Grandma can unlock an iphone.
I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.
How come Star Trek fans never grow out of it? They always just Klingon to it
Why are some jokes so funny? -Doctor, Doctor why are some jokes so painfully funny? -It must be the punchline
Color-blind gang members always shoot the wrong guys.
When I ask people who they think my son looks like... ...They tell me he looks like his real father.
When I have a daughter I'm naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say "Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night" how would that sound?
Guys I'm like next to Austria right now... Hungary, I could really go for a cheeseburger...
Leaving Twitter for Facebook is like leaving the bar to go home.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? "Some asshole has my pen!"
An English Girl.. WIFE: "I'm going to LONDON. What gift do you want?" HUSBAND: "An English girl." After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: "Where is my gift?" WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"
Good jokes are like pizza. This is not a pizza.
I used to work at a calendar store But they fired me for taking a day off.
Sometimes I feel like a real perv when I'm watching girls get dressed through a pair of binoculars
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Because the ref was blowing a foul.
What do FRENCH people order from McDonald's FRENCH fries hahaha
What is Jesus' favourite dessert? Propheteroles
My girlfriend was sucking my dick...... My girlfriend was sucking my dick when she took it out of her mouth and said "I don't really like the way dicks look." I said "Hmmm, it must be about taste"
Haters gonna hate Alligators gonna alligate Waiters gonna wait Jet Fuel can't melt steel beams Potatoes gonna potate
Will you come to my party on Saturday?  Yes please What's the address? 25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow. Why with my elbow? Well you won't be empty-handed will you!
"FOILED AGAIN!" --Leftovers
I'm gonna be celebrating MLK the only way I know how... By napping, because you can't have a dream if you aint sleeping.
Teacher: All Idiots Stand Up A boy stand up Teacher: so are you an idiot ? Boy: No I can't bear you standing alone madam...
My girlfriend just found out I've been sleeping with a barmaid I just hope that none of this gets back to my wife!
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they live by the bay, they would be bagels!
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body! I want the procedure, doc. Dr.: Very well. Just relax.. *puts bow on Pacman's head
I regret every fart I ever held in for you.
Teaching Japanese kids how to eat with spoon and fork.
I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
What do Canadians say after a prayer in church? Eh-men
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila.
What's a polar bears favourite pasta? Penguini!
What do you call a prehistoric humanoid who likes to take his time? A meander-thal!
My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
I'm unemployed, but now I can finally say I'm making six figures... although all of those figures are zeros.
The bakers A man walks into a bakers, points at something in the display and asks "Is that a doughnut? or a meringue?" The baker says "No you're right it's a doughnut."
My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta.. ..but I say it was worth every penne.
Finally time for Donald Trump to.. Finally time for Donald Trump to have his long-pending anus transplant. He really needs to stop shitting from his mouth now.
Don't you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That's why I do it.
Bought my epileptic girlfriend a strobe light for her birthday... She will have a fit when she sees it.
[Fixed] Brace yourself for the shortest and corniest joke in the world kernel
Knock Knock Who's there ! Blair ! Blair who ? Blair play !
[1st date] DATE: When I'm with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French ME [leans across] Oh really? DATE: Yes
I don't know what's more disturbing? My son reading a billboard that says "LIVE NUDE GIRLS" or him asking if there's dead ones.
What do you call a pc that fell in the ocean? A Dell rolling in the deep.
I was on a ride at a funfair. One minute I was laughing my head off. Next I felt angry. Then I just became very sad. Turns out I was on an emotional roller coaster.
There's two things I hate.... ...Racists and black people
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
What do you get when a short bus gets in a wreck? Mashed potatoes.
[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand] "Squeeze once if that's an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password."
Priorities They say people have their best ideas in the shower. I'm mostly trying to remember to wash my face before I wash my ass.
Sleep tight! Your brain is a billion times more complex than your laptop. And laptops break all the time.
What did the man say to the suffocating clown? You've got to be choking
What is 50 Cent's guiding philosophy? Be the change you want to see in the world.
I just heard that there's going to be a Minecraft movie... ...it's gonna be a blockbuster.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn't want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Why can't mites race in NASCAR? Because mites make rights, not lefts.
We had to put my horse down. After he escaped from the barn, the veterinarian said he was too unstable.
What's invisible and smells like bananas? monkey farts
What did the black kid get for christmas? Your bike.
Why do black people cry during sex? Because of the mace.
[Followup] I'm not going to drink any more. But I won't drink any less.
How many pirates does it take to screw in a lightbulb in China? 
My wife asked me if I knew the difference between ignorance and apathy...... I told her I don't know, and I don't care.
It's like my mother always told me, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Then she said I looked fat.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip...
[1st day at Subway] Boss: u said u'd done this before Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman's body
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
The inventor of the Frisbee died yesterday. Per his final wishes, he'll be thrown onto the roof and forgotten about until next summer.
What do you call a blind German? A Not-See
I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during "If I Could Turn Back Time" does she mention killing Hitler.
You're not a REAL American until you're at least 30 lbs overweight.
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't  you? Pupil: Not very much!
*knock knock* "Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately" "But I'm having a poo" "We know sir, the phone box has glass sides"
My right eye is twitching like it's at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn't invited to.
I saved my husband's life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*birds dress Cinderella for school* *gets to school, goes into bathroom* *buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
You look like my Asian friend from school. Yeah his name was Ug-lee!
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, "I'm wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!"
What do you call a black woman whose had an abortion? A crimefighter
Guy comes home to find his best friend in bed with his wife. He says: "Jimmy, I HAVE to, but you?"
Two dust pans were dry humping.. I was like dude, get a broom already!
I saw my brothers mate yesterday... I said, "You shouldn't be doing that, you're brothers!"
A lot of people like to smoke ciggarettes after sex. But you can't buy ciggarettes until you're 16. So I have to get them for both of us
My girlfriend is like my iPad i don't have an iPad.
How many corpses does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently more than 3, because it's been a week and my basement is still dark.
Dad is the polite way of saying Motherfucker.
What do you get when BMW, Volkswagen, and Callaway design a car together? A Mini Golf.
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea? It gets wet.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle] Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop. [puts in earbuds]
What do you call an aardvark astronaut? A starredvark!
Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called "Erectile Dysfunction"? No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came.
My friend was worried about the results of his HIV test, so I told him to assume he was going to die. I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.
So I flushed my extra viagra down the toilet... I haven't been able to close the lid in weeks.
Q: What does a PASCAL programmer say to a C programmer? A: "Would you like fries with that?"
How do we know that Darth Vader is American? Because he marches to the Imperial March and not the Metric March
Homeless girl ..... I met this girl the other day and gave her my phone number. She said she would call when she got home. I'm beginning to think she's homeless???
What is the difference between your dog and your girlfriend? You can get your dog to come.
If you want to fool a Canadian into thinking you're also a Canadian, you only have to say one word. . . Chur-on-no
The US Treasury is not going to put a woman on the $10 bill... they're going to put a woman on the new $7.80 bill.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can't find your phone.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
Dad told me this one tonight... Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A Hippo weighs a ton.. And a Zippo is a little lighter.
what do men with erectile disfunction and nintendo cartridges have in common? It works if you blow it before you put it in.
What is a sorcerer's least favorite disease? A staff infection
About a months ago I started to learn how to speak French. But then I gave up.
C'mon phone, let's go to bed.
What do you call a snake that tells bad jokes? A corn snake
Two over achievers walk into a bar.. Clearly it wasn't set high enough.
People that climb mountains just follow a natural inclination.
Preparing my wedding vows in the form of a poem... What rhymes with "the way you shake that ass?"
[angrily taking off banana suit] "Why didn't you tell me we were going to a funeral"
What does the pedophile jew say to the child? "Wanna buy some candy?"
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, Will it work? Are there any side effects?' No, it's Can I drink with these?'
guy A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I'm a fan.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don't even remember what he did anymore.
A transgender person has a child Now he's transparent.
You can't trust atoms... They make up everything.
So one sperms says to the other sperm.. NSFW "How long til we get to the ovaries?" . The other sperm replies, "hopefully soon, we just passed the tonsils"
Michael Sam has stepped away from football. He will now pursue his sacks elsewhere.
On a scale from 1 to... On a scale from 1 to 16, how illegal was she?
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He died from a massive underdose.
*at interview* Him: What would you say are your strengths? Me: Words Him: Can you say more? Me: More Him: Me: I'm also good at directions
Did you see the new clock porno? It's about fucking time.
What's the difference between Bluetooth and The Titanic? The Titanic sinks.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
50 SHADES ADMISSION 82% of women have admitted to reading 50 Shades of Grey with one hand
Yo mama so fat, her patronis is a cake.
How do you get a jewish girl's number? You pull up her sleeve
What are Mario's overalls made out of? Denim denim denim.
My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her. But I keep telling her 'I'm not going to leave my wife'
Jokes Know any lion jokes
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it
What do you call a smiley face if someone uses it that lives in an igloo? An Eskimoji
What has six balls and rapes the poor? The lottery. It's over $800 million folks! Dragged this joke back for the occasion.
Why did God invent Yeast infections? So woman know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt!
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? 9/11
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only 1 hand? because she is moaning with the other.
A German tourist walks into a pie shop on Fleet Street in London And tells the lady behind the counter, "I would like to become a pie." And so he did.
a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. "ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?" said the girl. "no, we cant" the guy replied. "why?" "it's Haram, Bae"
Do babies know they're stupid?
Why do the walking dead survivors try to get to washington D.C.? Because it's their Michonne.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
What is batman's favorite food? BANANANANANANANANANANA
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you're a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Yes, I've lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
DOG BALLS Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement? A: Sparky.
Old lady says to his hubby... "My nipples are as hot today as they was 50 years ago" Hubby replies,"Oughtta be. One's in your coffee the other's in your porridge."
Nice jeans, everyone in the 90s.
I can count how many times I used condoms on one hand Zero. You put them on your penis, not your hand. Credit goes to Ron Jeremy.
After the American Revolution, Thomas Paine celebrates by purchasing a new pair of shoes. He declares that these are the times to try men's soles.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I'm not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face....that's wasteful. I'd drink it first and then glass you.
[Ventriloquist Mafia] "Oh we have ways of making people talk."
Did you hear about the case of the schizophrenic ventriloquist? Everyone *around* him heard voices.
Girl, you must be the SAT... 'cause I want to do you for three hours and forty five minutes with a ten minute break for snacks.
A Jumper Cable Walks Into a Bar... The bartender says, "I'll serve you if you promise not to start anything."
If I had a dollar for every gender.... I'd have two dollars.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I've been one for 30 some years now.
What's the difference between matter and a hormone? You can't make matter.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, "no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis"
My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more
What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls [At Police Station] "You can make one phone call" *Dials random # "Is your fridge running?"
For some reason, I'm not in The Guinness Book of Records. Even though I was *definitely* the first person ever to touch my penis.
My friend said he was going to become a mime I haven't heard from him in a while
How to Diet Successfully by M. T. Cupboard
What's the difference between a blonde and your job? Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
slowly adding more and more lead to your meals until you're immune to bullets
At what time does Sean Connery arrive at The Wimbledon? Tenish...
Why are American police officers so bad at snooker? They always shoot the black
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! Get outta here! We don't serve your kind!" The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
What do you do if your GF is having siezures in the bathtub? Throw in your laundry.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo'ing to do.
Why did the cat join the Red Cross ? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !
[at the vets] He's really bad. He can't fly. "He's a cat though." [very sarcastically] oh I'm sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Every kid dreads accidentally calling their teacher "mom" but from personal experience, doing it in a rap battle is worse
Anyone know the six most frightening words in  the world ??? "The Dentist will see you now."
What did batman say to robin before robin got in the car? get in the car
Y'all have heard about the WTC7 fallling down right? What did it fall from? Peer Pressure?
-THAR SHE BLOWS *she stops* Does he REALLY have to be in here? "My seeing-eye pirate? Yes" But this is so intima- "Fill the balloons, Susan"
A Roman walks into a bar and lifts two fingers He ordered 5 beers
I was making fun of some sodium chloride and ended up being charged with aggravating a salt.
How do you know when there is an elephant under  your bed ? When your nose touches the ceiling !
funny clean jokes I need some funny clean jokes for my speech class... Anyone have any? They have to be clean
Did you hear about the guy they found dead at the Mediterranean restaurant? Yeah, police are calling it a hummus-cide.
Whats the difference between a Pygmy and an Amazon? Well, the Pygmy is a cunning runt...
Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for... Nevermind, her mom picked her up.
The worst part about blind dates is trying to find a restaurant with menus in braille.
Why do women have legs? So they don't make trails like snails.
what do you call a bus full of white people a twinkie
What's the difference between a canoe and a jew? Canoes tip
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts...
A Joke I Thought Up in Stats Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%? It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!
How do they package bread at the bakery? They baguette.
If swallowing battery acid mixed with Dr. Pepper doesn't turn you into a wizard, then call me an ambulance.
Eating that peanut butter cup was better than sex. Believe me, sex with a peanut butter cup isn't that great. They're selfish lovers.
thinking of calling crepes "frenchiladas" from now on who's with me
Why did simba's father die in a stampede??? Because he couldn't mufasa!!!
I just drank another bottle of brake fluid. My friends think I'm addicted, but I can stop when I want to.
Cop: know y I pulled u over? Wife: to invite me to the state trooper's ball? Cop: state troopers don't have balls Me: BAHAHA Cop: drive safe
What happened at the Mr. Softee when someone spiked the syrups with Viagra? The whole place turned into a Hardee's.
'Do what you want!' she cried lying back on the bed. 'I love a man who takes control.' 'OK' he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
So the other day I called my girlfriend fa- All family and friends are welcome to the funeral
I hear an important member of Jehovah's Witness died He's knocking on heaven's door
How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...
An albino guy walks into a tattoo parlor... ...the tattooist looks him over, and asks "So... what do you want?" The albino guy replies, "BEIGE. EVERYWHERE."
Why do some places have keys for the restroom? They're afraid somebody might steal their shit.
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit
WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?! Want to Hear a Joke? My Life :)
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today. I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
I like my women how I like my wine... ten years old and in my basement.
Women left at the alter near-Mrs
There are two types of people in the world. Those that pee in the shower.... And dirty, dirty liars.
My son came home from school in tears. "My girlfriend slept with my best friend," he said. I said, "That's very flattering, I never knew I was your best friend."
ISIS new way of recruitment ISIS leader posted a job offer for new workers : " Need somebody with a head on his shoulders "
What do you call a muslim flying a plane? A pilot
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? because they taste funny
Funny how when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, he's a stud... But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of studs, she's doing horse porn.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Just got back from Chernobyl And boy are my legs arms!
I saw a fight between a group of Gay guys.... Blows were exchanged.
Why can't you play peek-a-boo with Jesus? Because he has holes in his hands
As the news breaks of the passing of Michele Ferrero... I can't help but shed a chocolatier.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away! Well grandma, that's how organ donation works.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my smash mouth obsession But then i saw her face...
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
How does a German call an Irishman? Komm, Sean!
We're pregnant? Why stop there couples? Why not we're constipated? Or we're on our period? Or we're disgustingly phony in public together?
"Welcome to Panda Express" "I'd like one panda" "Sorry we don't sell pand-" *slips cashier $100* "Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes"
Doctor doctor I keep dreaming there are great gooey bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed.  What shall I do? Hide the tiddley winks.
Why do Australians have a well balanced walk? They've a chip on both shoulders
I never discriminate but there is one race I can't stand... The marathon. It's WAY too long a race!
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?
What did the chicken say after it's wings caught on fire? "Damn, I sure got some hot wings!"
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
I recently got a vaccination... Now I would make a joke about shots or people who get them but I can't now that I'm autistic.
What do cars and humans have in common? We both burn gas.
What's the difference between a brown noser and a shithead? Depth perception
At Toys R Us: TRU: Yessir? Me: I want a light saber. TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your grandson? Me: 40ish
I haven't said a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted...
How many feet are in a yard? Depends on how many people are standing in it.
British humor A cop walks into a bar responding to a call about a youngster making a ruckus. He asked the young lad "just what are ya getting on with lad?" The lad responds," none of yobishness mate"
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road? Because they wanted to be taken to the other side.
A guy walks into a pet store wanting to buy a talking bird. He sees a parrot and says to the bird, "Hey, can you speak, stupid?" The bird replies, "Yes, can you fly, Dummy?"
"It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash." ~my 11yo on why she's not afraid to fly unaccompanied
If I wanted a Joke Id just stick the microphone to your moms vagina, the last thing that came out was a joke
Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??
Why doesn't anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don't have it
Reddit is really a green community. considering all the recycled content on here.
What do Chinese people call Chinese food? Food.
There's a wreath hanging on my door with hundred dollar bills attached. I call it an Aretha Franklin. c:
Why shouldn't happy people hang out with crustaceans? They get crabby! Badum tsss.
I highly recommend anything. - Stoners.
Ok redditors i need your best volleyball or nazi puns!
If you don't tell your girlfriend she's beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven't had sex or even been on a  date in 9 years will.
They say acid is a gateway drug.. But good luck getting to the fridge when there's a fucking dragon guarding it!
A wife asks her husband, "Does this dress make me look fat?" Her husband responds, "No, that question makes you look stupid".
Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels. Because it's boring.
What is the difference between roast beef and pee soup? You can roast beef.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect... ...but they fried me for no raisin.
Epic camping trip last weekend!! It was in tents.
It's hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt's house
In capitalist America... bank robs you!
Why Math is like Sex?
The hipster A hipster was traveling down some river rapids. He came across a fork in the river and decided to take the left fork because the right was too mainstream
You put 2 fingers in... Maybe 3 if it's big enough... Oh yeah.... Now that's how you wash a mug.
if you fap on a plane is it hijacking?
What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo? One's a quite heavy, and the other's a little lighter.
I'm doing a UK Halloween party and your all invited.. Location : farnborough air show
How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Don't know, the pope hasn't said yet. How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, Lutherans don't change.
Oh Tuesday. You are the Director's Cut of Monday.
A joke from my grandfather who is a Indian man in the United States. Him: "Muslims are going to vote for trump" Me: "Really?" Him: "Yeah. They want him to stop their parents from visiting constantly"
Yelling "Whore!" in a public place and watching 15 girls turn around is pretty......... fun.
Whats the most dyslectic part of Asia? Croatia!
A friend told me to try Viagra, he said it'll make me feel like James Bond. I don't know about that but I can defiantly feel my Rodger Moore.
Voldemort: Knock Knock Harry potter: Who's there? Voldemort: You know. Harry potter: You know who? Voldemort: Exactly!!!
I got suspended for bringing a piccolo to school. They told me it was too sharp
A Christmas joke for you: Where do snowmen go to dance? The snowball!
It's almost Thanksgiving day... Remember to set all your scales back 10 pounds tonight.
So I was thinking while taking the biggest dump of my life... and I just feel so empty inside.
Life is a garden... Sometimes you have to put a hand on a hoe.
What do the french call 4/20? 80
regardless means without regard irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes
The french invented a new bulletproof vest That is just as efficient as a regular one but much cheaper: it only covers the soldiers' backs
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A magician says to his wife to 'Pick a card. Any card.' She takes his credit card and leaves.
One old song. A thousand old memories.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral? A: One less drunk.
Be sure to use the word "irony" correctly. It means when something's, you know, just weird.
Why don't pirates ever have girlfriends? Because all the women they know are hookers.
Did the bionic monster have a brother ? No but he had lots of trans-sisters!
How do you make an octopus laugh? You give it ten-tickles
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" it's a great saying... but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.
When I see a homeless person, I usually don't give them money. I just go out and buy some drugs for them.
I'm going to the bathroom to take a dump Can I get you anything?
Knock knock... Who's there? I did up. I did up-who?
How do you know princess diana had dandruff? Because her head and shoulders were on the dashboard.
What is a Social Justice Warrior's favorite math subject? Triggernometry
My girlfriend would never propose to me. She doesn't have the balls.
What is the difference between "ooo" and "aaa"? About three centimeters.
Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain
How can you tell if a black man has been using your computer? It won't be there
[sees cute girl at the bar] ok it's go time [makes accidental eye contact with her while pumping myself up with some lunges] dammit. abort
Q. How do you get down from an aerial  ladder? A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck.
Wanted to know what the did in the Pentagon... So I built a Hexagon *they
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You wouldn't know. You weren't there...
So my software came in today ... My mom asked if it was the curtains she ordered. I opened the box and turned around. "Nope, just my Windows." edit: [windows](https://i.imgur.com/niu6mMM.jpg)
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone's like "New sandwich?"
I thought you were good looking, until I clicked "view more pictures"
What presidential candidate currently has a beard? Hillary Clinton.
MANAGER: You're hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to-- ME: I quit
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer's parents? Do they know she's riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I always leave the room when my son's imaginary friend comes to play. I've seen 'The Sixth Sense' and frankly, I'm not taking any chances.
Why can't Ganondorf go on the internet? There are too many Links.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
What did the carrot say to the DJ? Lettuce Turnip The Beet
So a cannibal passes a priest in the woods.
I named my hard drive "dat ass"... Once a month, my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
saying "we won" after watching a sports game is like saying "we played really well" after watching a concert
I'm going to start a 70's tribute band with some guys from the office. .. It's gonna be called watercooler and the gang.
A lot of women can't drive because they're too busy giving mixed signals. @MaleHonesty86
What's it called when an Arabic author releases their latest novel after dinner? Post-Hummus
I wish making friends didn't involve talking to strangers.
My hobbies include 1. Refreshing the same fucking apps over and over 2. Winning arguments in my head that are already over 3. Starring into the fridge because I'm bored ...
It is a little known fact that the Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Rectangle.Until one side mysteriously disappeared.
Three jews walk into a bar... ...a bar mitzvah.
Why did the guitarist get life in prison? He fingered a minor.
Whoever said nothing good comes easy Never had a premature ejaculation.
How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree? If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.
Why do Nazis hate Canadian summers? They're mostly Julys.
If I had Unlimited resources.. I would adopt midget babies from different parts of the world, and raise them in a secluded plot of land somewhere and raise them to believe I am God. :)
Anonymous declared war on ISIS! They'll never know what hit em...
My new bondage equipment really ties the room together.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep ? A dinosnore !
As a kid I was frightened of the dentist... Because he was a Paedophile every time I went in he'd give me a filling
Drummer's joke I texted my old band today saying I miss playing music. They replied with "What's new? You missed playing, when you were with us, man!"
Why do horses make terrible congressmen? Because they can only say "neigh!" I wish this was a joke made up by my 7 year old cousin, but she's imaginary.
Best Joke EVER!!!! MUST READ!!!! Why did the chicken cross the road? Oh wait I forgot it... Shoot
My Christian friend told me he doesn't believe in gay marriage. He said there should be no such thing as a happy marriage.
The Colts...
Ay girl are you a fire truck? Because your really loud and fucking annoying.
Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.
Why did the Jonestown jokes never catch on? The punchlines were too long.
My friend graduated in psychology with a 3.8 GPA I wish she'd stop telling me her life story and just give me my order of fries already.
Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water? A: On a map!
Angelina's Twins Photographed In Public For First Time
A man walks into a bar, He says ouch.
A survey says parents spend $1k on their children's electronics yearly. When WE were young we walked 5 miles uphill in the snow w/ NO APPS!
why aren't there any knock-knock jokes about america? because freedom rings.
Me: what are we doing today Trainer: let work on your forearms. Me: but I only have 2 T: What?!? Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I am liking the people from Finland They always finish
What did the woodworm say to the chair ? It's been nice gnawing you !
I was at the gym last night and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in... Now I'm banned from the gym
Blonde girl changes her name She goes to the local court for it. Girl: I am tired of people calling me Pussy Galore. Judge: What do you want to change it to? Girl: Pussy McNamara.
Him: Are you perioding? Me: Are you deathwishing?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids. Now I just hate yours.
How did Canada get it's name? The forefathers decided the best way to name their new country was to pick letters out of a hat. "C eh, n eh, d eh"
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Whats similar between a hurricane and women? They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**
I cry at the end of sandwiches.
I had a joke about Jonestown, But the punchline was too long.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Simple! Just kick his sister in the jaw!
Somebody at work brought donuts this morning and I didn't eat one which is great but I'm still thinking about them
Why are the Ninja Turtles on the No-Fly list? Because they are members of an underground Splinter cell.
Today I walked up to some girls and asked if they liked guys with big dicks They replied yeah. I replied, "I'm sorry for wasting your time..." turned around and walked away awkwardly.
What is the difference between a horse and a cabbage? I have never been hungry enough that I could eat a cabbage.
(Corny)-Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard? Cuz everyone was dying to get in.
Been at this farmer's market for 20 minutes. Haven't seen a single beard. About to FREAK OUT & start throwing these organic soaps
Just burned 2000 calories That's the last time I'll leave brownies in the oven while I nap
Why did the crab jump out of the water? Because the SeaWeed..
redneck incest paradox Apparently, there are guys down in Alabama, there, who are their own fathers!!! (I can say this, safely, because I live in TN. We don't do anything fucked around here...
TIL Steve Irwin's official cause of death was "onset of fever" https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/fever
What's a martian's favorite wine? Chardonayy.
What is another word for a python ? A mega-bite !
If the main character of "The Walking Dead " spared every human, would he be called... ... Pacifist Rick ?
AMERICA: Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Reddit is really a green community. considering all the recycled content on here. [](http://ftgtvgbyhnjkmjnhbgvfgbybhjnkmnhbg.com)
I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.
It met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds funny, Dozen tit?
The key to great joke tel TIMING! ling is
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
What do you call the child of two redheads? Ginger bread
Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you've got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.
Anyone hear what Russia is eating for Christmas? Turkey... Too soon?
What is the mathematician's favorite pick-up line? Hey baby, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Why are sewer covers called manholes? If they were called womanholes, guys would keep trying to get in.
electricity is from electrons... morality from morons?
What happens when a controlled fire goes out of control? Someone gets fired.
What is a horse's favorite condiment? MayoNEIGHS
Whenever I shoot something into the trash, I yell "Kobe!" But then, my friend follows up by yelling "Jack!" I don't get what he's trying to say, but he sure is acting cheesy.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.
"Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms" -There's nothing I can do "There isn't?" -Not until you bring in your other two arms
It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I'm looking through her window.
If Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman had a baby together, what would the kid be like? I know there's a joke in there somewhere...
Worst case scenario for the 'coin behind the ear' trick is finding a tumour there and being accused of dark magic.
What did the bird say after its cage fell apart? Cheap cheap!
Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave  with your friends.
"If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-" *interrupting* haha, he said prick
What do you call it when a deer knows karate? Tae-fawn-doe
because yoda was in charge of the jokes why was the punchline in the title
Why aren't there any knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings
The fast food restaurant for babies. "Welcome to Gerber King, may I take your order?"
How did Ramadan go? It went by pretty FAST!
And the Oscar goes to... ...Jail!
Knock Knock Knock knock "Who's there?" "The pilot, let me in" Too soon?
My wife always compliments me after an argument. "I couldn't have married a bigger d!ck"
So apparently I've been Googling 'Asian Prom' this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren't going to bang.
Is your wife single?
Did you hear about the American Indian who died from drinking too much tea? He drowned in his own tepee!
The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn't hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn't tell.
I could never be an actress because I don't want kids and would never be able to say "but my favorite role is being a mom" at award shows.
A blonde walked into a store.. She got a nose bleed.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
I don't mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.
Two flies were dining on a turd.... One fly lifts up his leg and farts. The other fly says , " Hey! I'm trying to eat over here!!!"
The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy. So Happy got out.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let's take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
How do two psychiatrists greet each other? "You are fine, how am I?"
How do we know JFK was a fan of PDA? He was all over his wife at the parade
I was very naive sexually. My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months
What do you call banana shoes? Slippers.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'll have you know, I've been sober for just over 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything...just in general.
How do you make a tissue dance? you put a little boogie in it
John Cena has a tough life man His girlfriend just texted him. The message says: &gt; When can I see you?
[yelling over loud strip club music] DO YOU ACCEPT KOHLS KASH
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.
How do you hide an elephant up a cheery tree? Put it in the tree and paint it's balls red. What's the loudest noise in the world? A giraffe eating cherries Edit: not a cheery tree...cherry
(Showing off new car) Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got? Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Telling your date that she reminds you of your ex is a bit like farting after a curry. It's risky and is probably not best done during a blowjob.
Waitress: "Enjoy your meal" Patron: "you too" Patron: 'why did I say that?' Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself? Because it didn't have the nerves.
Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen Biden: I didn't want Trump to feel- Obama: Joe, Biden: ...lonely
How much money did the bronco have? Only a buck!
Your Mother is so fat That even neutrinos can't pass through her
Just found out that McDonald's is serving all-day breakfast ... ... all day breakfast? I don't have that kind of time.
My life feels like a test I didn't study for and everybody is being a d*ck and not letting me cheat.
Good is the enemy of great. Sponge is the enemy of math. Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight? Civilwar!
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I'm going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Just bought my gay son some Brunchables
I wish I could trade my heart for another liver, so I could drink more and care less.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
I don't use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
regrets? [thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations] yeah i've got regrets
What's Trump's Secret Russian Code Name? Agent Orange
If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country. If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country. This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.
Why did the hipster fail chemistry? He thought the bond was ironic.
So I used to hang out with a linguist... ...until I found out he was stealing money from me. Turns out he was a false friend.
Why do North Korean officials are always seen holding a notebook and a pen when they're near Kim Jong Un? They're writing their last will and testament.
How do you eat the Flesh Hounds? WH40K Humor: I don't know about you, but I prefer my Khorne Dogs with ketchup.
Does anyone need a vacuum cleaner? I have one here, it's just collecting dust.
How the hell did Caitlyn Jenner win women of the year? She hasn't even been a women for a year yet.
How many 210 lb policemen does it take to throw a 140 lb suspect down 3 flights of stairs? None, he fell.
What type of fighting technique do amputees practice? Partial arts.
Phoned up the local gym I phoned up the local gym and asked them if they could teach me the splits. They asked me how flexible I was. I said I can't make Tuesdays.
What do you call an arcade in eastern europe? czech-e-cheese
How does Michael J. Fox deal with his Parkinson's disease? He just shakes it off.
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came outta the cupboard .
You know what they say about men that have big feet? #They wear big shoes! *Come on guys, this is /r/cleanjokes! Get your minds out of the gutter!*
Plato walks into a bar. And he realises that the bar is not a real bar. In fact, it contains the concept of 'a bar'. Then, with an amazed face, he says: "This bar is ideal!"
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
So a girl once asked me... "Hey wanna come over? Nobody will be home." So I came over. And nobody was home.
Daddy what is a transvestite? -Ask Mommy, he knows.
Why are all German cats dead? They have nein lives.
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear's "I'm a slave for you" before ordering.
*Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
Why your convertible is like the best girlfriend you've ever had (1) She enjoys when you're inside her (2) She squeals when you're going hard and fast (3) She takes her top off whenever you ask
Why did the entrepreneur decide to go into the landfill business? He heard it was a growing field.
If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Mexican name?
Palpatine what was your involvement in 9/11? Flew it.
How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Just watched 7 hours of the Inside of my Eyelids Channel. Lotta black shows.
What do you call gay potatoes? Homofries!
There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says.. You man the guns, I'll drive'
How many guys in the friend zone does it take to change in a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe... There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
My girlfriend likes to call my dick "The Cannon" because it has a short fuse and only one ball.
How many Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter, they will never change a thing.
I wish I had a job where I could just punch stupid motherfuckers in the face all day.
A Muslim, an Illegal Immigrant, and a Marxist walk into a bar... And the bartender asks, "What'll ya have, Mr. President?"
Benedict Cumberpatch's full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
A joke my sister told me. Q: how does a black woman prevent crime? A: she has an abortion
What are the effects of biggest brainwashing book in human history? i dont know...try asking the suicide bombers
Today is my twenty-fifth wedding  anniversary. Really? Yes I've been married twenty-five times!
What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror
Define Irony: redditors using the death of reddit as a way to farm karma
MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn't stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A dark riddle. What has four limbs in the morning, two limbs in the afternoon, and is dead by evening? A disobedient slave.
What is the gardener's favourite fruit? Plantain.
How are women and tornadoes alike? They moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Q: Why was the musician arrested? A: He got in treble.
I dropped my toothpaste! ...Tom exclaimed, crestfallen.
Telepathy "Huh?" Telepathy "Ok...let's move on. What" Telepathy "Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?" *rolls eyes* Telepathy
Did you hear the one about the man who let a firework off on top of his head? He went out with a bang.
Where do animals go when their tails falls off? The retail store
When a man hates takoyaki Does it mean it is takoyucky?
A girl next to me in the trai sneezed. Me: bless you She: I have a boyfriend A few rows behind us : I'm vegan
"I have a dream that my children will live in a nation... not judged by the color of their skin, but by their follower count on Twitter."
What's the difference between a Pokeman and a Pokewoman? Pokeballs
You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
I read the terms and conditions.
What do you call a trip to Spain gone horribly wrong? A Spain in the ass.
Women are like parking spaces... Sometimes all the good ones are taken so you need to put it in a disabled one.
I had so much sex... and I was so sexually drained, you could say I was fucking retarded.
Who is the best jewish cook in the world? Hitler
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Empire Strikes Back is still my favorite StarWars episode. One could say it is a perfect 5/7.
Mickey asks Minnie for divorce Minnie: Are you fucking crazy!? Mickey: No, i'm fucking Daisy.
Halfway into the 20km marathon, I saw my cheating g/f and told her that I was breaking up with her I guess it was the right thing to do in the long run.
I recently attempted the world record for masturbation. I nearly pulled it off
Just started my Vegan diet. They're a bit chewy, but better than kale.
A blowfly goes into a bar and asks... Is that stool taken?
What kind of bellybutton did Paul Walker have? An Audi. ^^^Im ^^^so ^^^sorry
Why Pyongyang the capital of North Korea? It is the same noise the elastic bands that launch their nuclear missiles make
What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business!
Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo
Paraguay-Uraguay in the final would be so guay.
If the Narwhal Bacons at Midnight... Does the Unicorn Potato at Noon?
"This one's cute." - me picking out a watermelon. I have no idea what I'm doing.
Did anyone else hear that France is changing the color of its flag to plain white? Supposedly it is to make battles easier.
2 Stormtrooper are eating a Wookie steak it was chewy
I held a meeting for people who can't ejaculate But nobody came.
What did the octogenarian pirate say? Arr matey!
Best blunt / straight to the point jokes of all time? What do you call a boomerang that dosen't come back? A stick
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Have you heard the "good news" about Jesus? It's his daughter's quinceanera today so he can't do our lawn
If you took all of the poops everyone on earth made in a single day and laid them end to end, wash your hands.
How many feminists does it take to screw a lightbulb? One to screw it in and nine to write on their blogs about how enlightening the experiment was.
My grandpa has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
A libertarian prostitute looks at her pay stub.. "I'm sick of all these fucking-taxes"
Why was the boat disobedient? Nobody gave it a stern talking to.
Funniest joke you will ever hear. You.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can't wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My sex life...
If your dog is fat it means that you don't get enough exercise.
A kick in the balls is above 9000 del (units) of pain which is similar to giving birth to 160 kids and breaking up to 3200 bones at a time.
I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I've got a list of people I'd like to drop an anvil on.
What did Michael Jackson say to the Vegetables? Just beet it
How do you pick up Jewish chicks? With a vacuum cleaner.
What's the Difference between a cactus, and a BMW? A cactus has the prick on the outside.
You've probably heard this joke before. It's hilearious.
Where to dogs who lost their tails go? To a retail store.
A mod goes into a therapy for dyslexic people.. [deelted]
Ever been kicked in the shin because you don't have any Fruit Loops? Welcome to parenthood.
"Torture me" said the masochist. "No" the sadist smiled.
I guess the Republican party... ... **puts on sunglasses** Is not cruizing anymore.
Your mother is a head turner By that I mean that the gravitational field of her planetary body is trying to pull my head in orbit
I'm just typing some words in a box for you to look at.
What's a theif's favorite dance move? Poppin' locks
How does Batman's mom call him home for dinner? She doesn't because she's dead.
Difference between computers and woman Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
A man just threw a glass of milk at me...... how dairy?!?! Shout out ATH
I bought some shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
I'm reading a book on evolution... The beginning wasn't great, but it's getting better over time.
I love Italian jokes. They really help the day go.
Now that Prince is dead... ...is he formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince?
What does a Korean need when they're taking their dog out? Oven gloves.
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it's not based on a true story.
My boss accused me of not forwarding an email her way. I resent that.
Donalds trumps presidential campaign
What is the difference between a call center job and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Two animals taking a test were caught copying off each other... When one accuses the other... "He's the CHEETAH!" "What? You're LION!"
There are two rules for success: 1) Never reveal everything you know.
Duct Tape Turning "No no no" into "mmm mmm mmm"
Why didn't kids make fun of argon in high school? They never got a reaction out of him.
what do you call to person who have contusion on her wrist...... computer addict :p
Mexican drug lords now have ig and keep posting selfies with stacks of money, mansions and yachts. I think the army... could really learn something from that recruitment campaign.
Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.
How do you stop guys like Donald Trump from saying racist things? You muzzle 'em.
If guns don't kill people; people kill people... Then toasters don't toast toast, toast toasts toast.
Who was the least funny U.S. President? FDR. His standup could use some work.
What did Mickey Mouse say to Trump when Goofy threw a shoe at him? DONALD DUCK !!!
Cunt Jokes Q. What do you call a pink tractor? Ans: A cunt-tractor (contractor)
smoking I use to smoke, I'll probably never say that I quit but I do stop for intermittent periods. I, like most people, call this lapse in my habit a "relationship".
Give that Man a Fish I once taught a man to fish. He ended up offing himself because he couldn't get into a good fishing college.
What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Donald Trump.
I decided to stand on my left foot when the clock reached twelve tonight So I could start the year off right
What is a cowboy's favorite salad dressing? If you answered "Ranch", you are mistaken...it was a trick question. Cowboys don't eat salad.
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.
f (x) walks into a bar... The barman says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions"
What does a tire made of potatoes have? An inner tuber.
What do you call a coin featuring the image of a spaceship and a rooster? Badmintin' (P.s. I'm sorry, this is terrible)
Whenever I speak to religious people about my beliefs, I receive a lot of judgement. It seems that Jesus is the only one who truly accepts me for who I am!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
What can you say to your trainer that will compliment then on your progress and also be wildly inappropriate? You make me hard
Whos the coolest guy in hospital? The ultra-sound guy. Who takes over when hes on holiday? The hip-replacement guy
"I don't know where you're from. But in this country..." "...we're all from America."
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Why are under-endowed men likely to get lucky with homeopathic physicians? Because they like their dicks vanishingly small ...
These Blondes Are Dumb when i was penetrating them, they kept asking me 'is it in yet?'
There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.
If apple made a car... Would it have windows?
Received a call from a recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!"  I replied : Yes. I know  There was a long silence and then she said..... bastard
Knock Knock Who's there ! Caroline ! Caroline who ? Caroline of rope with you !
If you're asking me to choose sides, I'll always choose potato salad.
I like my women like I like my coffee Stuffed into a bag. Slung over the side of a mule. And brought to me by Juan Valdez.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jelly? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5? Because he knows how to reduce fractions.
Guy walks into a bar... So, this guy walks into a bar with 2 Bananas in his ears. Bartender says "Hey buddy, whats up with the Bananas?" Guy says "What?"
"I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid..." -how vodka was born
So today my dad called me a "Smart Alec"... ...but I had to remind him, my name is not and never was Alec.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of co-ordination? HAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDDDD EYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
What's the best thing about having sex with 25 year olds? There's twenty of them.
I'm going to the grocery store where I'll try to get the cashier to call 911 based only on the items I'm purchasing.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Why didn't ken and barbie ever have kids? Because ken always comes in a different box.
Tasteless V D humor Roses are red Violets are blue I've got a hard on You know what to do
Never date an Aztec woman.. They will rip your heart out.
- You always have to have the last word. - THAT IS A LIE! - OK, I'm sorry. - Spatula.
Two guys walk into a bar... third guy ducks.
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink
Why was 9 afraid of 20? 28 29's
Accidentally got a "male" order bride and I was gonna return him but Sergei is just so good with my kids
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I'm by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. :(
To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt
Whats the difference between a steak, an egg, and a blow job? You can beat your meat and beat an egg, but you sure cant beat a blow job
i put grape soda in my mini super soaker and i'm squirting it into my mouth. this is how you turn a monday, into a funday.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
If tom cats refuse to eat their food Are they boycatting it?
lesbian vampires What do lesbian vampires say after sex? See you next month.
I know a guy who looks at so much porn on his phone- His apps are stuck together.
Friend: "I just blew a speaker in my car." Me: "Which kind?" Friend: "Motivational."
My friend is addicted to drinking brake fluids... but he tells me that he can stop any time.
I sometimes hump random trees in hopes one will ejaculate Keebler cookies.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews Hary got out of the chambers.
Octopus 1:" Woah. There's an arm just swimming by itself." Octopus 2:" that's an eel you idiot."
I live on the edge Her: cool It's scary Her: So sexy I almost fell once Her: Oh! You actually live.. My home insurance is so expensive
My friend called the movie Pixels the world's longest abortion Funny, I didn't realize it was a porno.
It just occurred to me Trump's inauguration was cloudy. I guess the sun was another big star that refused to show.
"I rapidly kidnapped a happily napping kid" is not only a fun tongue twister, but also a Felony! ...or so my lawyer tells me.
What did the doctor say when his patient said "I think I'm two spoons!" "Shut the fork up."
Picking up a Sea World Protestor Should we go back to my place, free willy and see how long Tilikum? Guaranteed Soak-Zone.
Your mother is so classless... .. she could be a marxist utopia
RIP Fluffy McKittens 2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016
If you're having relationship problems, confess to God not Facebook.
What does a sick ninja practice? kung flu
A #colon has only two job options: become a punctuation mark, or work for an asshole.
I have a cut on my leg Doc "Yeah that legs gotta go sir" But its a tiny cut "Sorry, I cant save it" *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
What do you call a woman with a purple vagina? Satisfied
To me Bernie Sanders is more like God It is not the guy I have problem with but the fan club freaks me out.
What do you do when a blonde girl throws a grenade at you You pull the pin and throw it back
Choosing between Hillary and Trump is like having to fart really bad while sitting between Scarlett Johansson and The Pope. I don't know which way to lean.
How do people in Iowa get elections? By watching corn!
My mother is like cloud storage. Everyone shares her and i have no idea where she's located. Ps: I don't know if i phrased everything correctly.
How do you know you're girlfriend is getting too fat? She can fit into your wife's clothes.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
TIL There is a man who is afraid of negative numbers He would stop at nothing to avoid them.
I get my wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a dildo and a pair of slippers If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself
How many topologists does it take to change a baby? Assuming the baby can be transformed into the shape of a light bulb, only one.
What did the premature ejaculatist say to his offended lover? Sorry... That came out wrong.
I watched Se7en for the first time today, I was completely blind going in.. What's in the box!?!?!
If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the iron curtains.
A friend will invite you for beers A good friend will pick up the tab A best friend will hold your hair All three will have blackmail pics
How does a black women tell she is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.
What does a junkie use for protection during sex? a bus shelter
Why did the muslim with a toothache go to the airport? For a free cavity search.
I don't know much about math, but what did the acorn say when it grew up? "Geometry!"
My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
One liners I'm at a VFW and I want dirty raunchy one liners to tell, racism allowed
The biggest problem with stupid people is that they don't know they're fcuking stupid.
wanna hear a pizza joke? ....nevermind its too cheesy
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese
What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?  It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...
Where do police put their drinks? Copholders
What do you call... What do you call a deer with no eyes? -No idea What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? -Still no idea
Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest
What's the difference between Thomas Jefferson and Ariel Castro? Thomas Jefferson wore a wig when he raped his slaves
What's the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? There have been sightings of UFOs
I heard that virus is quite the athlete . . . Ebola perfect game.
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls? Sparky
I clocked this beautiful woman earlier. I'll probably never see her againit was a pretty big clock.
A Ghost dressed up as human for Halloween Ghost knocks on neighbor's door: "Trick or treat!" Neighbor says to his wife, "That's the spirit".
Why can't Nietzsche use pencils? Because they're all pointless
Why doesn't Jesus like M&amp;M's? Because they fall through his hands.
What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck? Penis is the male reproductive organ. Paycheck is a check that used to pay an employee for his work.
My body is like a Greek statue. Even if the staff at the museum don't think so.
How bad is the economy? Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
[on a date] me: what's your favorite book series about a big red dog? her: uhh Clifford, i guess me: wow we have a lot in common
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that's crying 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'
I didn't understand why my wife bought me a metal detector for Valentines day... Until she told me she got her clit pierced.
The only people who truly know your story, are the ones that helped you write it.
Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything. Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon Brain: oh dear
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.
What do you feel when there's no coffee left? Depresso
Why are a good majority of Americans obese? At least the food won't take away their rights. Do a little oppression of their own.
actualy the childrens story "the three litle pigs" is the first documented report of a wolf WHO CAN BREATHE HURICANES
I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.
SOCIAL MEDIA GROUPS For how small springfield is, it has a lot of social media groups... Which one do you like/hate? 217 Problems Springfield exposed Springfaild
What sex position creates the ugliest children? Ask your mother
I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.
Where do facts come from? The factory.
Looked up the oldest trick in the book... It just showed me who the first man to patronize a prostitute was.
I have CDO It's like OCD, but the letters are in order. Like they should be.
[walks into bookstore] Me: do you have any books on turtles? Worker: Hard back? Me: Yeah, with little heads.
What is the difference between a human dad and a moth dad? Two letters.
What kind of movie do mathematicians most often watch? -rated movies
Two prostitutes are walking down the street... One turns to the other and asks "have you been picked up by the fuzz yet?" The other replies "No, but I've been slung around by my tits"
Why was the girl stuck in the revolving door for two weeks? cuz she couldn't find the door handle
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying "there's lemons" and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Mountains aren't just funny... They're hill areas.
A Jewish guy at my restaurant loves croutons Specifically, burnt croutons. I can understand why, he knows their pain
When is Jesse Jackson going to notice how segregated Neopolitan ice cream is?
Why didn't the circle want to become 3 dimensional? S'fear.
A Jewish man had a son, who converted to Christianity. The man prayed to God, "Oh Lord, my son has converted to Christianity! What should I do?" And God replied, "Yours too?"
Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. Liam Neeson: I will find them. Wilde: Wait, I meant- Neeson: EVERYONE
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
What do you call a faggot with an axe? A Fascist
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
[Whole Foods] Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE! *I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Why did the girl spray her clock? It was full of ticks.
my sex life is a lot like the bible mostly imaginary and with not much chance of a sequel
Who can watch an R rated movie but not a PG? Batman
Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.
Fishermen hate himyou'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait
[lightbulb store] owner: "what watt can i get you?" me: owner: me: owner: "did i stutter?" me: "i dont know"
The cops were called... to the local childcare because a kid was resisting a rest. 30 minutes later the cops were called back because of an apparent kid-napping.
Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.
Stevie Wonder (a bit racist) Stevie wonder was asked during an interview what it felt like to be blind. He answered, "its not so bad. It could be worse, I could be black"
Where is the 'L' in christmas? There is noel
My son asked my wife what true love was "It's spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'll miss them"
Who was the first carpenter? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.
I promise to love you for better until things get worse.
Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning? .....have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?
The worst things in life are free, too.
Me [sneezes]: excuse me Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Q: Why was the teacher cross-eyed? A: He couldn't control his pupils.
Why did the priest smoke weed in the cemetery? He wanted to keep his spirits high.
I heard that Bruno Mars helped design the Apple Watch Dont believe me? Just watch
That's a nice ham you've got there... ... it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.
Got an MRI. Nurse asked if I had bad kidneys. Told her I won "best kidneys" in my high school yearbook. She didnt laugh. We didnt talk again
Why don't roosters wear underwear? Their peckers are on their heads.
Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it...after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course
People who misuse apostrophes can go to he'll. (OC)
If meat is murder..... Than are blowjobs cannibalism?
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
What's the worst part about being black and Jewish? Having to sit at the back of the oven with the rest of the dirty niggers.
I'm not too concerned about this whole terminal illness deal... My doctor said it should be the last thing I worry about.
What do you call a journalist in Russia? An ambulance.
So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?
What do you get when you cross a judge and a potato? A Dicktater.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
What do you call a Mexican with bullet wounds? Spicoli
I went to an Easter Egg hunt without a permit... ...They caught me poaching eggs.
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? There's really no sure way to know.
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
My friend threw a block of cheese at me today....... I said 'that's not very mature'
Maybe, "only if you're taking me to dinner" wasn't the best response to, "is this going down?" to the guy on the elevator. Flirting is hard
What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant? A dead poodle with an asshole of diameter 40cm.
If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.
Are you gluten or something? Because you're inbred
What did the abacus say to the adding machine? Calc you later!
I'll never call a radio station because I'm afraid they'll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.
It's official. I hate Nickelback more than terrorism.
My Wife walked in on me having sex with our daughter. I dont know what she was more angry about, me having sex with our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep the foetus
Unfortunate man comes back from a war A man was relieved from service after losing his feet. His wife subsequently left him because she was lactose intolerant.
I'm starting to believe that most people wouldn't be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies....
If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice.
Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
I tried searching on Google for 'Lost Medieval Servant Boy'. It told me 'This Page Cannot Be Found'.
Didn't realize how bad it had gotten... The officiating in the NBA is so bad that at the end of last night's Knicks/Heat game the Lakers were declared the winner by 20 points.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.
Good morning people.....I woke up feeling myself this morning....wait that doesn't sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
What do you call the rapid growth of Indian cities? Turbanisation
My roommate broke my favorite Russell Crowe dvd, and she was eaten by a crocodile shortly after. I'm actually kinda Gladiator.
A dirty limerick I made up today ... I once met a girl named Susie. And, boy, was she a doozie! She loved me right, Made it last all night! And in the morning she blew me!
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice!
How can you tell if you're Canadian (Italian joke) Go to a cliff and yell "Mangia". If your echo says " cake"....
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a python. Oh you can't get round me like that you know.
My Jewish friend reviewed Auschwitz on Tripadvisor. He gave it one star.
Why do sorority girls travel in odd numbered packs? Because they can't even.
What starts with r and ends with d? [removed]
I drive an Audi to compensate for my innie.
Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?
Two atoms are in a bar One says to another: "I think I've lost an electron today." The other one replies " are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself "Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I'm fat.
What do you call a missing shape? A polygone!
Why didn't anyone show up to Kim Jong-il's funeral? The reports of his death were unbereavable.
I lost a lot of teeth eating candy at the wrong time of day. Just as her husband got home.
[alligator store] Clerk: $1500. Thanks Me: not gonna say bye to him? Clerk: uh Me: say it Clerk: goodbye Me: say "see you later alligator"
If a girl texts you back "k" check all your previous messages to see where you fu*ked up.
My Bill Cosby impression use to get me laughs at the bar... ...but now when I do it, I end up with a criminal record.
My girlfriend sometimes complains about how painful her period cramps are.... I told her to shut up, that's her fault for being a woman
What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking
What is zombie's favorite hiking snack? Entrail mix
Doctor and Lady Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised? Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 "males" a day.
What type of government rules the butterflies? A monarchy
LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender. Spread the word.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their shit!
I sometimes send letters to my parents... They're nothing to write home about.
What is a Hindu? It lays eggs
Which chord is essential to every Christian song? Gsus
Hi, I'm starting a support group for people who have trouble reaching orgasm... If you can't cum let me know.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I'm hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before.
Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Did you hear about the cannibal Bob Marley? He shit the sheriff (but he did not shit the deputy).
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. [Currently my 7 year old daughter's favorite joke]
We should change the saying to "Home is where your phone automatically connects to your wifi".
I hate you more than the guy that raised his hand after the teacher said we could all go early if there are no more questions.
A guy named Michael was rushed to the emergency room one night and had to have heart surgery.. I guess you could say it was open Mike night.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowntain.
What do you call really good tea? Qualitea.
A telemarketer called and said,"can I speak with the man of the house." I replied, "sure" and gave the phone to the cat.
My buddy has a telescope but I don't think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, "Samantha".
So I went to a zoo the other day... And all it had in it was one dog. It was a shitzu.
What have the films 'Titanic' and 'The Sixth Sense' got in common? Icy dead people.
What did one gay horse say to the other? Haaaaayyyyy
I like living on the edge. [ $[ $RANDOM % 6] == 0 ] &amp;&amp; rm -rf / l l echo Click
Two cannibals are eating a clown One says to the other, "does this taste funny to you"?
The man entered his home... and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in the house.
What's long and white? The line to Starbucks.
Why am I scared of french pastry chefs? They give me the crepes.
It was a rainy day in California...
Behind every great man is a great woman... A in-between them is a wife that's always complaining.
"I'd like two scoops of ice cream, please." "Chocolate or vanilla?" "Yes." "Yes what?" "Yes, Sir, ice cream man, Sir!"
Me: time for bed Brain: yeah I'm tired too M: really? wow we may actually get some slee- B: hey do you think anyone's died in this house?
Where did the seaweed... Where did the seaweed find a job? In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want-ads.
My friend recently bought an invisible pencil. Personally, I can't see the point.
The difference between being interrogated by a terrorist & interrogated by a woman is that eventually the terrorist will end your suffering.
ya i'll have a 6 inch subway club on parmesan oregano "sir this is the DMV" uh ya toasted "sir" cheddar "sir, you-" do u have sun chips
35,000 black people walked into a bar... According to the Louisiana Official Ledger, Jurisdiction Kudrow.
Did you hear about the two nuts walking down the street? One was a salted
Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don't get the thank you wave.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife? A hooker says "Faster! faster!" A lover says "Slower....slooower..." A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
A programmer heads to the shops His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen" He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because D-shells are too big and B- shells are too small. *A random elderly woman just stopped in the street in front off where I was sitting and told me this. Awesome*
Why was Oedipus against profanity? Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
My kids and this punchline have a lot in common. They're both a disappointment.
What do you call a WordPress website that dresses up like another type of website? DruPal
I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it's just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.
If shes's being being anal about it Give her sex and you'll make her whole day, Give her anal sex and you'll make her hole weak
What's black and eats pussy? Cervical cancer...
I like my girls the same way I like my coffee. Without milk.
Two Bass Drums and A Cymbal Fall Off the Roof. Buh-dum tssh
I went out drinking last Friday and took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
What is feared by jailbirds and splits light into different colors? Prism rape.
The dyslexic, agnostic Insomniac. He lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
What does sex and banks have in common? You put it in, you take it out, then you lose interest!
What wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood.
Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the other side.
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
date: where did u get that, i don't see that on the menu me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Gonna take up smoking, just in case I have to give an anonymous tip from the shadows at some point.
A funny bird is the pelican His beak can hold more than his belly can He can hold in his beak Enough for a week And I don't know how the heck he can!
What's the best thing about kids? Making them!!!
My underwear is spoiled.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
What happened when the monster stole a bottle  of perfume? He was convicted of fragrancy.
Why can't you reveal someone's private information online while flying? Because that would be a para-dox.
I just saw the end of the world coming Watching it gave me multiple orgasms
What kind of work out do parrots have on leg day? SQUAAATS! ...Polly want a cracker.
Met a girl recently. Her ex was named terry. Made a bad joke and just like the Oregon Trail my game died from dysentery.
A husband and wife talk about the weather... She's too wet and he says it's coming down hard.
Kristen Stewart is unable to be here today, so accepting the award on her behalf is this large bowl of cold mashed potatoes.
Did you hear Clinton has a girlfriend? ...they think Bill might have one too.
What do you call a Mexican midget lady? Cuntswaylow
Never have unprotected sex with a cannibal. Or next thing you know, you'll have a baby in the oven.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women only want things that are 20% off.
Today I am no long Obese. At 3'8" I am a short obese.
Did you hear about the 7' NBA star who married a blonde midget? He was nuts over her.
Who's the biggest celebrity in the Vegetable world? Ocra Winfrey
How does every racist joke begin? *looks over both shoulders*
Where did Zooey Deschanel grow up? In Albu-quirky.
If "The Breakfast Club" were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.
Why do vampires drink virgin blood? If you were going to eat a sandwich, you would enjoy it more knowing no one had fucked it
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.
When guys are best friends it's a bromance. When girls are best friends it's..... Temporary.
What are the 2 sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken, brown cow.
Why didn't the NSA request AT&amp;T's phone records? Because they can't monitor all those dropped calls!
What do you call two gay Irish men? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
What do you call a scent that wanders? An a-roam-a.
What's the difference between your work and your wife ? In 5 years, your work will still suck
I went to a feminist picnic the other day... It was great, but no one made sandwiches.
Currently the most offensive joke going through my head. What did the female Marine get moments after she was gang raped by her fellow Marines? A Dishonourable Discharge.
The Real Pink Panther Joke What did the Pink Panther say as he stepped on a bug? Dead Ant, Dead Ant Dead Ant Dead Ant Dead Ant Dead Ant, Dead AaaaaaaaaaAAAaaannt
What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal? A doctor.
Somewhere there's a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Why can't Polack women use vibrators? They chip their teeth.
I Asked My Black Friend If He Wanted to Go on a Cruise with me. He said that his ancestors made that same mistake and that he's not falling for it.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Who is Monica Lewinsky's favorite NFL player? Ha-Ha Clinton Dix
What did the candy say as they saw a group of intimidating crackers approach? Cheez It!
I have a really annoying joke but first you will need to take a deep breath and blink hard... Ha, now you are conscious of your breathing and blinking.
What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped
What the difference between a hippo and a zippo A hippo is heavy, but a zippo is a little lighter.
How do you get a clown off of its unicycle? Hit it in the face with a pickaxe.
What do you call a hobosexual? A bum fuck.
The only girl who ever texts me... Is Amber Alert.
An Egyptian man was told the river was too polluted to swim in. He refused to accept the fact, and went swimming in it anyhow. I guess you can say he was in da Nile.
My favorite party game is taking a drink every time I feel insecure amidst the surrounding group of people.
Someone recently discovered the mathematical formula underpinning every Beatles song ever! She got the Strawberry Fields Medal.
Today my 6 yr. old nephew asked my what "gay" meant. It wouldn't have bothered me so bad, but it was right after he saw me throw a baseball.
Two guys see a dog licking his balls... The first guy says "Man, I wish I could do that!" The second guy replies, "Maybe you should try petting him first"
Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch.
If your Uncle Jack was on an Elephant.... Would you help your Uncle Jack off the Elephant?
What do pedophiles and McDonalds have in common? They are both bad for kids, but *I'm lovin it!*
What do you call a Battlefront without EA? Bttlfront
What do you call a bear in the middle of the road? A bear-icade
How do you find will smith in a blizzard? Look for fresh prince
Can't please Americans For years Americans have complained to the Government that their voices weren't being heard. Now they are freaking the fuck out over the NSA.
What did the alcoholic Dad, away on business, say to the bartender at the hotel bar? I'm ready to partiem with my perdiem *sorry, not a dad, and the bar tender didn't laugh either
I like going to the park and watching the children run around... ...because they don't know I'm using blanks.
If I were a ghost, I'd spell "antidisestablishmentarianism" on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots' time.
Man: ILYWoman: Awww write the words in full they mean more when theyre written properlyMan: Im leaving you
What does a jew eat sushi with? Goy sauce
It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
In which month do women talk the least? February.
Donald trump and a slinky have a lot in common... They are both useless piles of garbage but they'll put a smile on your face if you shove them down the stairs.
Why do the Lanisters have such big beds? Because they push 2 twins together to make a king.
The psychology of a man who pays more than $50 for a pair of jeans is more impenetrable to me than that of Hitler.
I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
The story of soy milk Don't you guys think soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
Why were the Twin Towers upset? They ordered pepperoni but they got plane
Did you hear the joke about the skunk? Never mind it stinks!
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're a teen.
What if Stephen Hawking was the real slim shady... But we didn't know because he couldn't stand up?
This guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder... and the bartender says, that's a pretty cool lizard, what's his name? The guy says, "Tiny, because he's minute"
Why didn't the TSA let the chair through security? It was armed.
Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car? [presses key button] [tiny orange light flashes on the moon] god dammit
What's the difference between a hockey player and a redneck girl? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
Coffee asked "Why do I always get coal in my stocking." Santa: Because your on the Not Tea list.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.
What's a sailor's favorite solvent? [Cycloheptane](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycloheptane) -- the Seven Cs.
If women are so equal to men... how come they can't oppress an entire gender?
Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir? Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don't want them to fall in love with me.
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin? It wanted to play squash.
I went to the zoo the other day... They only had a dog. It was a Shih Tzu
Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo? They only had 2 trucks
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I never really liked Robin Williams movies. They may be funny, but they keep hanging around.^I'll^see^myself^out...
What's worse than getting dumped by your girlriend? Getting denied by a car when hitch-hiking.
Why did the guy having sex with a latina girl bust his load early? Because "Ay papi!"
"i feel bad for homeless people, BUT" 9 times out of 10 nothing good comes after this
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac..? He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog...
what do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
At last I've managed to find my girlfriend's G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it all the time?
Where do Chinese babies come from? Vachina
Trying to tell a catholic a joke Me: What do monkeys and humans have in common? Catholic: Nothing............ nothing at all.
Who was the best prostitute in history? Ms.Packman, for 25 cents she'd swallow balls til she died.
Why is Reddit full of liberals? All the conservatives are out working.
An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane. I forgot to mention an Arab is also onboard... Kaboom.
What do you call a bunch of flies in a beer can? An Outback Vibrator
"Mos Def" is my favorite rapper named after a girl who doesn't actually plan on hanging out with you.
Why do Russians like pho so much? ... BECAUSE THEIR SO VIET :3
"LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!" -Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.
Happy new year everyone! Sorry, I'm a premature congratulator.
I met a guy who said he could get a great deal on a pillowcase... turns out, it was a sham.
"So tell me what you want, what you really, really want" - a hilarious waiter taking a Spice Girl's order
me: just tell me I don't die in an Arby's bathroom stall Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.
I asked my wife what would be the best way to get rid of our son's hiccups. She said, "Stick on your priest costume."
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there's no way I'm going in there if his monster reports are true.
Out of all of Santa's reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.
Why did the pedophile cross the road? He found out he was actually 991 feet from the playground.
How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 11, 12
Sometimes I like to sit on the floor, bring my knees up to my chest and then lean forward. But that's just how I roll.
How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? Because it comes out in conversation
Bad sex is still better than a good day at work!
James Bond is my favorite drunk, horny murderer.
My doctor told me during my physical that I needed to stop masturbating When i asked him why, he said "because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
Who is this Rorschach guy? ....and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
How many ears do Star Trek fans have? 3, Right Ear, Left Ear and The Final Front-Ear.
Canadians are easy to identify ... ... you can spot them 1.6 kilometres away.
How do you give a catholic priest a circumcision? Kick the altar boy in the chin.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?"
Me: lets go on a date Her: umm Me: what could go wrong *25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
google glass is going to revolutionize the way america walks into oncoming traffic
What do Canadian women put behind their ears to attract men? Their ankles!
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed &amp; laughed. Then I remembered that my wife &amp; I have different dentists.
My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.
Why can't you keep Jews in jail? They eat lox!
What is Madonna's least favourite band? Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
What do you call an Italian man without arms? A mute. Sorry if repost.
A Zombie ate Ram's brains... He didn't mind it at all... Silly but original. :P
What time is it when yo mama sits on a chair? Time to buy a new chair.
If Donald Trump enacts a law saying baby strollers cannot be more than twice the width of the babies in them, I will vote for him in 2020.
The Atlanta Falcons
What do you call a cow that's scared of everything? Coward!
What do you call a math teacher who's really into BDSM? A denominatrix.
I'm not always sarcastic... there's a lot of times I mean every bit of what I say.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
It only takes 3 inches to please a woman And it doesn't matter if it's Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
Are you African? [NSFW] Because you are a frican bitch. Zing~!
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said "Maybe"
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.
Why do Jewish people watch porn backwards? They like the part where the prostitute pays them
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
Yo mommas so ugly.. Scorpion said "STAY OVER THERE"
I got tired of smelling soggy tacos, so I quit working at Taco Bell. Also, the food smells like shit.
What's the fastest animal in the world? A chicken crossing Ethiopia. What's the second fastest animal? ... The ethiopian chasing it.
They say to wait a few months before throwing down $1000+ on something, to see if you still want it. Unfortunately, my land lord doesn't seem to agree.
Democracy in North Korea is like the dislike button on facebook. Everybody wants it but they shall never get it.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Husband: Honey, do you know why the chicken crossed over? Wife: No, why? Husband: Because it was from your side!
I took my dog to the vet The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down". "Why, what's wrong with him?" "He's too heavy"
The only thing I arouse is suspicion.
What do you call a smart person in America? A tourist.
A man has dinner at a chinese restaurant The man says to the chef: "Gee, this steak is rubbery!" And the chef replies "thank you very much!"
*eats banana seductively Banana: I have a boyfriend
Why does tigger smell? Becuase he hangs around with pooh! Had to share my 5 year olds joke..
I tried wrapping all the presents this year But I just don't have the gift.
I don't like Haikus; But I like ironic twists I am conflicted
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He is all right now.
Why is Xbox 360's successor called Xbox One and not Xbox 720? Cos 720 is 1
The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter lol
How Do You Circumcise a Redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.
Yo mama so fat.. ...she took one selfie and her brand new phone said "Insufficient storage".
What's the difference between your job and your wife? Nobody does your job for you when you're out
What never comes but always leaves? My dates.
I was sitting in calculus class, and the teacher asked us how we can ideally take the derivative of a logarithm... I said," I like my logarithms like my women, all natural".
What's Brown &amp; Rhymes With Snoop? Dr. Dre
What do you call a Spanish soccer player with no legs? Grassy-ass
In my family i'm the youngest of three. My parents are both older -Stewart Francis
Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!
When I get a dog, I am going to name him Franz Ferdinand So I can take him out (I tried)
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Easter Island Barbie ...the famous statue with blonde hair
An Irishman walks past a bar...
Two wires at sea Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety. The other was stranded.
(-i)^2=-1. Moral: If you fiddle with imaginary problems too much, shit's gonna get real.
She blinded me with Science. Okay, it was pepper spray.
[dark alley] Here's the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures. Kidnapper: Wait, don't you want your kids back?
If God really made Eve from Adam's rib bone. Then women are really men and we're all gay. Discuss.
What's the best part about dating a Patriots fan? They don't care if you cheat.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already had to tell her twice.
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Pee is yellow. Shit is brown. I am drunk. This is a tweet.
A dyslexic guy... Walks into a bra.
I once bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't very pleased.
I think I'm getting Anal Glaucoma.... I don't see my ass going into work today
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors it would be chicken sedans.
A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "Sure."
I just put my D in a subwoofer and wubbed one out
How are third party candidates like soccer? They're only really popular in America once every four years.
Last Night.. I was about to kill a spider. My wife told me to take it out instead. Turns out he's a pretty cool guy, his names Luke and he want's to be a lawyer.
How do you break concrete in Doctor Who? With a Captain Jackhammer.
Why did the cod sue the fish and chip shop? Assault and battery. Sorry again. I'm bored in work.
[religion conference] BUDDHA: What's your opener? JESUS: "God loves you." You? BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
What's the difference between a seamstress and a whale A seamstress cuts up frills and a whale fucks up krill's.
The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven... But a highway to hell says alot about anticipated traffic numbers
Heck. Where you're darned to if you don't believe in Gosh.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64. Ate.
Austim is a lie fabricated by the illuminati and used to promote John Cena
Son, what was the name of the german guy that hides my stuff? Alzheimer grampa Alzheimer
Are you free on saturday? Of course im free im AMERICAN!
I like my TVs like I like my women Curvy.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I'm dyslexic and diabetic... So needless to say, I'm laying off the crabs.
Three helium atoms walk into a bar HeHeHe
If I were a woman I'd probably use tampons because it seems like it would be hard to stuff a maxi pad all the way up there.
What is the first symptom of AIDS? A pounding sensation in your ass.
My girlfriend is a porn star. She's going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
I was going to see your comedy but then a critic called it "Delightful."
How many men does it take to open a beer?  - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I've been pro-immigration but if one more Mexican restaurant tries to charge me for chips and salsa, the deal's fucking off. Comprende?
A Test WC in college. Three cubicles. Voice from the left: *Peter, professor passed you in philosophy?* Voice from the right: *No, he did not...* Voice from the middle: **And I won't!**
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty six year olds? There's twenty of them. (Works better in spoken format, I know)
If my partner didn't want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I'd respect his wishes and take them off.
What happens when you get too much sun exposure in Switzerland? You get a sun *Bern.*
"Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today." -the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now
Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.
What do you call a shed full of black people? Antique farm equipment
Why is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping? Because if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party. You should have seen her face.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's a really obscure number. You probably never heard of it.
What did the thief say when he saw the man leave his coat behind? let's jack it.
Sex is like ping pong. I suck at it.
When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers... But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying
Internet, my Dad's running the London Marathon tomorrow. Oh, he already told you. Of course he did.
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Some day my prints will come!
I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Would you guys buy Apple's new product for lumberjacks? iWood.
I shot my first turkey today! But I scared the hell out of everyone in the meat section.
What do you call someone who has to shave 30 times a day? A barber
equality A woman's work is never done, that's why they earn less.
Math Beer So I put my root beer in a square cup. Now it's just beer.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.
What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything? The mythbusters and ghostbusters.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
What does Batman's mum shout when it's time for dinner? Nothing. She's dead.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
What blood type do happy people have? B Positive.
Seriously. Who gets "regular strength" ANYTHING?! "Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I'd like this headache to LINGER."
What do you get if you cross a toilet with a pop singer ? Loo-Loo !
knock knock for the watch
What's the deal with the phrase "door ajar"? I mean, is it a door or is it a jar?
don't feel too bad for people with chronic amnesia. they can watch Breaking Bad for the first time over and over.
I shat on my girlfriends roof. I need to wipe the slate clean.
Most black 15-year-olds are decent law-abiding citizens. It's their kids that cause all the trouble.
Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir. Me: Do you walk with a limp? Telemarketer: No. Me: Want to? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from...
What do you call a cheap circumcision ? A rip off.
Accuse someone of denying everything. It's a hard one to fight.
Remember that time you thought you were more important than everyone else? Turn back, this was a click wasted
What do you call a ghost in the Outback? An Apparigine!
I can't believe I fell for your mom She's the oldest trick in the book.
Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own 5yo: Ok Me:. 5yo:. Me:. 5yo: How do I do that?
What did one sausage say to the other? You are the wurst.
What do you give someone who is about to tear up? Tape
Did you hear about the guy who accidently used super glue instead of lube while having sex? He's now a man trapped in a woman's body..
I've taken up meditation It's better than sitting around doing nothing.
So sad when gay kids get beat up for their brunch money.
After ironing my shirt I noticed it was depressed, I still can't believe it hung itself though.
My new years resolution is going well, lost 10 pounds! but that was down the back of my sofa....
My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.
What do you call a projectile that is very good at finding friends? A homie missile.
A Doe walks into a bar and keeps falling over because does can't walk for shit.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all walk into a bar "Ouch!" "Och aye!" "Bejabbers!"
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children. Adults tend to get offended.
"I can't believe after all this shit that they're still together..." "Who?" Said a curious bastard. "My buttcheeks."
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
Today's weather is perfect for running around with your top down. But these kids at Trader Joe's act like they've never seen nipples before
Why aren't Pokemon very good dancers? They can only learn 4 moves.
Made this one up today: Knock knock I eat mop
If I share my food with you, it's either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.
Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Why do babies make bad mechanics? They have poorly developed motor skills.
Making a Good Analogy is as Hard as... As hard as... As hard as...
My wife's name is Elle but I call her "L" for short, because I don't have all day.
The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend... ...I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Lets all agree, having your cake and eating it too, is the same damn thing.
Did you hear the one about those kids in China? I'd tell it to you but it's a bit insensitive to tell jokes about youth in Asia.
My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I'm 22 mom, I don't talk to strangers, I sleep with them.
Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
A chicken stood in my way at the grocery store It was the biggest Cock Block of my life
What's the difference between the Amish and a Ferrari? About 568 horses.
What critically acclaimed movie did Zeus star in? The Godfather
I saw a sign that said "watch for children". Sounds like a fair trade
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him. That's right, the Devil made me duet.
Official /r/jokes announcement
What is the worst thing about being an egg? You only get laid once, and that's by your mother!
Two blondes are running for the highest office in the land Oh right, don't put the joke in the title. Sorry.
What does Bill Cosby and a ninja have in common? You don't see either one coming.
What happens when you come across lion? Wipe it off and say sorry.
Farmer Brown put up a pig-shaped weather vane but he's not happy with it. Instead of pointing with the wind the pig vane keeps pointing toward the feed trough.
An Old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK  ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"
Lindsay Lohan was released from jail early this morning and in related news, I still don't give a shit about her.
What do you get when a ghost takes a crap? Rectoplasm.
I've quit my new job as a postman. They handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: "This isn't for me."
Where do emos get their gaming gear? Razer.
A woman was accused of attacking her husband with several guitars. When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?" She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."
My friend says I play with my parrot to much. So I gave him the bird.
Where do conspiracy theorists keep their ideas? In a skeptic tank. --- (Note: I just made up this joke earlier today. I'm not 100% sure the joke is obvious; feel free to suggest a better wording!)
What do you call someone who dyes thier hair red? Trans-ginger.
What do the Japanese do when they have an erection? They vote.
I went to a seminar on drilling methods yesterday... Boring!
What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess? C4
What did the ISIS leader gift to all his followers? The Samsung Note 7
I always make a point to add a 'man' when I say thanks to the pizza delivery guy, so he knows I used to smoke weed and shit.
Why do Electricians make terrible revolutionaries? They know resistance is a waste of energy.
Two fish are in a tank... When one fish says, "How do you drive this thing?"
I think I'm going to start an organization for people who think racism is bad but still laugh at racist jokes... I'll call it the JKKK.
Why don't I enjoy certain middle eastern food? Because it just makes me falafel.
All the toilets at the police station were stolen! The police have nothing to go on.
The Avengers must love Daft Punk They were up all night to get Loki
Where do you find a dog with no legs? ...right where you put it.
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
why don't women wear watches? there's a perfectly good one on the stove
Worry not confederate flag supporters! You may have lost the battle... But you haven't lost the w- oh right.
The shampoos I'm getting from car wash showers are doing nothing for my hair.
Why do Irishmen drink all the time? You would too if you were a ginger
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
Actually told a girl who's moving to France soon that "there's lots of French people over there". It's a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
For those of you who voted for Trump... You did the Reich thing.
One time, I solicited a midget hooker. I paid her fifty bucks to go up on me.
Whenever I utter the word 'sober' I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
What looks like a dog sounds like a dog eats like a dog but isn't a dog? A pup.
I was going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It isn't hard
They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!"
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well...
I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, "No thanks, I'm already married."
(NSFW) How much cum does a gay guy have? A buttload
You know the punchline before you're ever told the joke. What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?
I went to a chyropracter today Oops, I meant a chiropractor. I stand corrected.
My fridge exploded. . . And there are pieces of de-brie everywhere.
Octopus! how many tickles does it take to make a octopus laugh? ten tickles!!
Should I have a baby after 35? No 35 children is enough.
what was the last thing that went through Jane Wicker's mind? The Ground.
Darth Vader: "Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let's not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand."
What did the pirate say to the flying prostitute? Land ho!
Why is taking spanish 2 so awesome? You get a lot of puse.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I like my sex just like my wifi.. I like my sex just like my wifi, slow and unprotected.
I'll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Chris Rock and Drake Bell should make a Christmas special together, about making a song for a product... ...and call it "Jingle Bell Rock."
I use the word "thingy" when I cant think of the word: Me- Are you picking up the "thingy's?" Wife- ...you mean your kids? Me- Dont judge me
How many dead schoolgirls does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than four because my basement's still dark.
Don't try "to" tell me how to use quotation marks.
Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me... ... She said no both times.
[THIS IS A REQUEST; DO NOT UPVOTE] Does anyone have a joke where the audience of the joke says the punchline? If this isn't the right place for this, kindly redirect me.
When my son goes to a party I always tell him "No drinking, no drugs and ALWAYS be the first person in a Human Centipede chain."
What's the difference between a raft guide and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family.
Zoo A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
In what school subjects does the teacher say 'Well done hamburgers'? A wide range of subjects - meatyeval history meatematics and word grill.
TIL Today I learnt what TIL meant.
Last week I walked up to Wayne Rooney at the airport and said,"How about an autograph mate?" "Sure." He replied. So I signed a photo print of myself and gave it to him.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce on its face? Chicken Caesar salad.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef jerky
Took my drivers test high on magic mushrooms. Passed with flying colors.
If Ronald Reagan were alive today he would roll in his grave... roll, scream, kick and so would you if you woke up in a casket.
What's a mathematicians worst nightmare? An EULer spill
How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, first off, it's called a lamp...
What did one bum cheek say to the other? After all that shit we're still together.
Why did the sun-praiser receive the full inheritance from his grandmother? Because he was the Solaire!
They say a dog is man's best friend... but honestly, even my worst enemy wouldn't stare me dead in the eye while taking a shit in my living room.
When going camping you can never run You have to ran, because it will always be past tents.
This joke up me crack everytime I hear it Will tell you after next bowel movement.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick.
Her: I can't cook because, I "believe" I can't cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that? Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?  Filet delay!
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work...
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?
Did you hear about the lawyer for U2? He was Pro-Bono
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick!
I got a new job circumcizing elephants The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous
being a writer is a great job if you love looking at a blinking cursor and wishing you were dead.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don't know it right away cuz it's in their neck for so long. What.
Waiter there is a mosquito in my soup ! Don't worry sir they don't eat much !
I'm on a diet A watermelondiet, cant eat anything bigger then a watermelon.
I got a handjob from a blind girl last night. She said "You've got the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on.". I said "Nah, You're just pulling my leg.".
Kids say the darnest things, Said Bill Cosby.
"I got 15 years for leaving my wife.." "How'd you leave her?" "Dead by the side of the road..."
Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.
Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I'm replying with a telegram because you're apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]
Jose Cuervo showed up at his girlfriend's house with a gun... Tequila
Words can't hurt you ...unless they're "Bet you can do that."
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I think my girlfriend might have an eating disorder I threw her onto the bed last night and my dog jumped up to retrieve her
People think I have really bad road rage. In reality I'm just really horny.
What does a colour's laugh sound like? Hue hue hue
Oh stop it! I'm not superficial. I'm just ficial.
What do you call a hippie that can't cook? Burning ham!
What do women and bass guitars have in common? You have to slap them for people to think you're a good player
Just heard this one at the pub: What do you call a monkey with a suicide vest? Ba***boom!*** ^(Don't worry, I kicked him out the door.)
Anybody hear about those two car antennas that got married? Supposedly the wedding was alright but the reception was great ;)
A man came into the emergency room with six plastic toy horses in his ass... The doctors say his condition is stable.
Chuck Norris can't get through his steak breakfast without a fifth of whiskey.
What did the mama pig say to her bad little piglet? "Behave or Frankenswine will get you."
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt
A girl walks into a bar... A girl walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a double entendre." So the bartender gives her Triple Secs.
Where do cows stay when they go on vacation? In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.
I now know I'm getting old. I was watching some porn the other day and thought to myself wow that's a nice bed.
Look at that bald man over there.  It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.
Their wedding went off without a hitch... ...which was a problem in itself!
Paraplegic Party you goin to the paraplegic party? I hear its gonna be crawling with pussy
What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.
A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."
Why was the lobster upset? Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!
Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants.
Anger. It's all the rage. .
How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car? &gt;Only if you go aks your mother.
Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac? because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)
Two Cows are scared of getting mad cow disease A cow walks up to another cow and asks "Are you scared of Mad Cow Disease?" He replies, shocked "No, I'm a Duck."
[NSFW] I have a real passion for bat guano... You could say I'm bat shit crazy
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. ^^^^^I'm ^^^^^going ^^^^^to ^^^^^hell ^^^^^for ^^^^^this ^^^^^:(
What do you get when you mix a Mexican and an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.
What famous American filmmaker lived in a safe? Vault Disney
What do you call a jewish pokemon trainer? Ash
How much sex does a sister of the church get? Nun
What does a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky have in common? They both say "Insert Bill Here"
What do you call it when a bunch of druggies talk to each other? Joint-Discussion
What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth ? An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe !
Johnny Depp's wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today... With NO prenup...She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
How do you know that you are dating a french horn player? Because when you kiss them they shove their fist up your butt
What is a ninja's favorite beverage? WA-TAHHHHH! Edit: **notBenstar** and **dogboyboy** are correct... Ninjas are silent killers. So, it should read: "What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage."
Facebook should change the status question from "what's on your mind?" to "what's your problem today?"
doc said my liver is failing but i think it's just not applying itself
Why Didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didnt hav the guts :P
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.
Just introduced my teen daughter to Monty Python, thus completing my duties as a father. I will now retire to Florida and await grandkids.
There are three things I hate... * reposts * bullet lists * irony
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing? I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
Sometimes I wake up moody... The other times, i let her sleep.
On a scale from 1 to 10... What is the age of Jerry Sandusky's boyfriend?
Little known fact: most shepards have NO idea how many sheep are in their flock.... Every time they try to count them.....
Bro lets study on air plane why air plane For a higher education
You know what they say when you go black.... ....you're raising that kid by yourself.
I'm sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn't high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
How do you know Sia is Scottish? Because she loves sheep thrills! *shows self out
I went to the doctor last week for a bad headache When he reached for his pen to write my prescription, he pulled out a rectal thermometer. "Shit", he said, "Some asshole has my pen."
What's the first thing you should do when you bring a Thai girl home? Check to make sure your dick is bigger than hers.
Me: "Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?" Boss: "It's May." Me: "Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?"
Why did we skip windows 9? Because 7 8 9 I'm so sorry
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas. Now I'm fucking stuck taking care of a puppy.
I have decided to start a strict vegetarian diet Starting tonight I will enjoy a nice thick steak. Cows are the most delicious of the strict vegetarians
I was going to work this morning and sat across from a really hot Thai girl on the train. I kept blushing and sweating and thinking "Please don't get a hard-on". But she did.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics. I'm just gonna call you "bro" from now on.
What's smokey the bear's middle name? The.
[my first day as hand dryer salesman] "this robot dries your hands with noise"
"Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night" -medieval millennials
My toddler was arrested today at kindergarten during nap time. He was charged with resisting a rest.
How does a Bat Girl become a Bat Woman? She has a Bat Mitzvah
Why did a physician go to prison? His medical license was doctored.
Computer Science major walks into an English class The Professor says "Welcome to English 101". The student panicks. "What's wrong?" asks the Professor. "I missed the first 4 English classes".
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Justin Bieber The new Justin Bieber 3-D movie is amazing. It's like you could almost reach out and punch him.
My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider It was good, General Lee speaking.
Did you hear about the farmer running the illicit sex ring? Apparently it was a pig fucking deal.
For this Valentines day, I'll be inundated. Oops. I mean I'll be in, undated.
What does a lawyer and a prostitute have in common? They both fuck you for your money.
Hungary should take over Turkey If asked why, they would say "because we are 'Hungary'"
Only one more sleep to go before I lose my job as a night security guard.
[DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff
The old waterlogged corpse gag How do you make a waterlogged corpse's dick float? Seltzer water, a scoop of strawberry ice cream, and a waterlogged corpse's dick.
When life gives you dilemma make dilemma-nade
Why should you not shop for plywood? You'll get bored.
The penis mightier than the sword. haha penis.
If Jesus could have sex on his birthday... That lucky girl would be covered in Christ-mist.
God hates fags The smoke annoys him.
I try to stop making jokes about boomerangs. But they just keep coming back at me.
You know you're in a shitty bar when the food is colder than your beer.
My Weed dealer needed to do his laundry So I sold him a dime bag of quarters, but I cut it with some canadian shit.
I walked into a shop yesterday... 14 stitches.
I can't wait to see the new movie, "Constipation" Unfortunately it hasn't come out yet.
2 guys walk into a bar 3rd one ducks.
why are black people so tall? because their knee grows
I tried to give myself a sex change But I just couldn't pull it off. Credit to Rohan Ganju a young upcoming Australian comedian.
Gary Busey speaks in Wingdings font.
What do Ginger Baker and strong coffee have in common? They are both terrible without Cream.
Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.? His vision was based on movements.
What do you call someone who just had sex with a necrophiliac? Sliad.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
What's the highest number in the world? 420
I am an actual real house cat. After I take a bong-hit I SWEAR I can type in English for about 60 secmeow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
AMA REQUEST: Kurt Cobain oh... oh yeah thats right.
I like to scream "YOURE MAKING A SCENE!" Whenever someone asks me for directions.
Anything is 'bite size' if your mouth is big enough.
What's the difference between the space shuttle and a 2.5 kiloton bomb? The crew.
Did you hear about the motorbike who came out to his parents? He was bi-cycle
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
What do you call a cat who steals someone's identity? An impawster.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug! Jabba: *speaks Huttese* C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
What's the difference between democracy and feudalism? Q: What's the difference between democracy and feudalism? A: In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your Count votes.
What kind of music does a mummy like? (W)rap music!
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
I don't just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.
Why do churches ban Wifi Networks? Because they don't want to compete with an invisible connection that actually works.
What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy!
"The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online." - idiots
Did you hear about them computer geeks, who were also miners by trade, who sang a cover of that Motorhead song? They called it The Acer Spades.
You don't get many homeless gay men, which is a shame because they would be fucking bums.
GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled WOODPECKERS: We didn't get anything GOD: Oh. Uh...just pound trees with your face
Dance like the picture's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Tweet like no one's following.
What dino was known for having distinguished tastes? A Connosaur
A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar They came, they saw, they conquered
A cop pulls a guy over.... And asks the man "sir have you been drinking tonight?" Looking around the car bewildered he replies "why is there a fat bitch in here?"
Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
Two mental health counselors happen to meet each other at the mall... *"You seem fine!"*, says one to the other, *"How am I?"*
If you hold the iPad up to your ear you can hear the ocean but only for a little while and only if you're standing right next to the ocean.
People who mispronounce Grand Prix... ...are just grand pricks.
Did you hear about the group of geologists? They formed a Rock Band.
What do you call Kurt Russel playing an archaeologist? Kurt Fossil
My dog was diagnosed with diabetes. Its okay though, I only had to give her one shot. I chose a .357 magnum.
How do you make a flea circus? From scratch.
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it? Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
My philosophy to everything I do are governed by the three E's Excellence, Efficiency, and Intelligence
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists.
My math professor had to go into rehab yesterday. He had sum problems.
I saw a midget carrying a TV to his car I asked him: "Do you need some help carrying that plasma?" He said: "Fuck off asshole, it's an iPad"
.@tonyhawk Will you kick flip over my coffin at my funeral? Need to know by Friday.
Why does Uranus look so smooth compared to other gas giants in our solar system?
Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.
Never get a circumcision from an unqualified professional It's a rip off
Hillary Clinton made a joke about her own hair Clinton jokes: The hair is real, the color isn't - CNN
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets
How come it takes so little time for a  child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Wanna hear a ghost joke? That's the spirit!
I'm hesitant to use the word "genius," but I just answered the last five questions on Sesame Street correctly.
A man's bread shop burnt down Now his business is toast.
What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke? My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
What was Captain Picard's favorite kind of train? N-Gauge.
My wife says if this post gets thousand upvotes, we can do anal. I'm tired of the other posts. It's me in her.
Why was everybody too afraid to go to the barber? He committed barbercide.
I once farted in Apple store and everybody got pissed of... ...it's not my fault that they don't have Windows.
Why were there no feminists in Communist China? Because everyone had equal rice.
Knock knock Who's there? Bob the interrupting cow with Tourette's syndrome. Bob the interrupt- COCKSUCKING-motherfucking-**cunt**!
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a  dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
One pirate kicks a second pirate in the knee... The second pirate says "Arr!! Me knee!" (meanie)
Did you here about the gay midget? He finally came out of the cabinet
Do you know why will this joke melt? Because it will be in the hot section...
Q: What do you call it when a cat stops? - A: A paws!
Me: Can I bring my wife? Travel Agent: Of course Me: But I'm hetero. Does that matter? Travel Agent: Do you think I'm saying Gayman Islands?
Why can't you trick an aborted baby? Because it was not born yesterday.
Holiday typo: "give my beast to your lovely wife!"
What's a word that starts with "N" that you don't want to call a black person? Neighbor
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let's get started on some sailing basics. *Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
How do you make a German Shepherd? Put him in a synagogue.
we get it people on instagram you went outside congratulations
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola: - choking on a wheat thin - erotic asphyxiation - falling off the toilet - a duck with a gun
A penis is like a box of chocolates Because girls can't get enough of them as long as they're dark and rich.
What does D.N.A stand for? National Dyslexic Association
What's the difference between a fort and a fortress? A fortress has breastworks.
Wanna see an asshole wrapped in plastic? Yeah? Ok, let me see your driver's license. (My buddy's grandpa told me this back in high school the first time I met him.)
Trump often appears on Fox news, which is ironic Because a fox often appears on Trump's head
What sort of activity is eagle hunting classified as these days? ILLEAGLE activity.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they're set on shuffle.
Why does Mexico always do so poorly in the olympics? Anyone who could run, swim or jump made it to the USA.
Knock knock Person 1: Knock knock. Person 2: Who's there? Person 1: Hammer. Person 2: Hammer what? Person 1: Hammertime! ^canttouchthis
Why did the toast drop his ice-cream? He had butterfingers!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess? "It's stale, mate."
A man comes into a bar... Wait, it was a horse. A man comes into a horse.
What's a married couples favorite sex position? Doggy Style. The husband sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Tasteless Joke (NSFW) Knock Knock, Who's There? Two Dead Babies
Why was 5 afraid of 7? [Because 6, 7 8.](http://www.reocities.com/Area51/Meteor/9836/yoda/yodafunface2.jpg)
I thought I liked spheres then I realized they're pointless.
Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.
Why did the architect have his house made backwards? So he could watch the football
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out...... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman Nananananananananana Batman
What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry? My donation check to the orphanage.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday... That's a heck of a place to put a call center.
You'd think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Why don't owls make love in the rain? Because it's too wet to woo.
Why did the snowman take his pants off? Because he heard the snow blower coming.
Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old
So I went over to my uncle with a lisp's house He asked me "hey d-do you w-w-want a d-d-dee-dee-d-d-d-deep-deep-d-deeeeeep freezer?" I replied: "Noo thanks buddy that's too deep for me" [EDIT] Fuck.
What's black and always in the back of a police car? The seat.
When I'm pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they're mine I say 'no, they're for my collection' and run as fast as I can
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes
I realized that my parents can be proud of my strict upbringing when I tripped and fell down the whole staircase shouting "OUCH, OUCH! It hurts!".
Why do Black people like Kia so much? Because it has Soul.
I've caught you canoodling. You're really in hot water now. I can see tensions are boiling. Perhaps we'd better leave this issue in the pasta tense. Sieve and let sieve?
A mime that texts LOL is dishonest.
What do you call a group of Vigilante Aussie Nuns? Birds of Pray
Did you hear about the epileptic who won the dance contest? He only got up to get a drink.
How did Harry Potter get to the bottom of the hill. Walking Jk Rowling.
My "friend" Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, "Adam."
Even better than breakfast cereal: Lunch cereal and dinner cereal.
Volkswagen just introduced a new electric car... It's called the Volts Wagon.
I have a Ring of *Dad Jokes* It's well rounded but not too bright
How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a Soviet Russian?
Me: You wanna have sex tonight? GF: I'm not in the mood babe. Me: Hold on a second. I'm on the phone.
[final debate] TRUMP: I'd like to apologize to hillary MODERATOR: umm ok HILLARY: umm ok TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
*watching a scary movie* 7 y/o daughter: They're just people in masks, right Dad? *blankets pulled over my head* "Sure, if you say so"
HR has a problem with me giving the vending machine guy a lap dance. In my defense, he was packing Dark Chocolate Twix.
I like my women like I like my wine. About 20 years old and locked in my cellar.
What did Timmy get for Christmas? Cancer
Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees.
What do you call the guy you buy your weed from? Your chron-tact.
Sex toy or Dog toy? What do you think?! http://www.cinderellastyle.com/can-you-tell-if-its-a-sex-toy-or-a-dog-toy-game-show/
Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men. It has the same centerfold every month!
Did you hear about the lady who backed into a belt sander? Disaster.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I went to the doctor to get tested for ADHD... he said I've got it so bad, I have AD Blu-Ray
I heard I'm so bad at making jokes. It's laughable.
I made a promise to a dying friend... ...that I'd stop making commitments.
How do porcupines make love? Very, very carefully.
Someone hash-tagged "share the love," and I read it as "shave the love." I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.
Confucius say, "Man who can put bait on hook well... ...is a master baiter."
Just because I'm smiling doesn't necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
If you see a condom, a tampon and a bra walking down the street..... which one is more likely to say hello? ans: the bra. The other two are stuck up cunts.
My dad's take on 35 years of marriage. Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?" Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..." Mom: "Awww!" Dad: "...Underwater."
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
What a Chinese Restaurant Owner's Preferred License Plate? 888 MSG
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
Where did Hitler put all the Jewish cats? Meowschwitz
Dad, can I have another cup of water? Dad: But its your 12th cup tonight! Son: I know, the baby's room is still on fire.
Donald Trump has been saying he will run for president as a Republican. Which is surprising, since I just assumed he was running as a joke.
What does a butler call his employer named mr. Bates? Sir, you fucking pervert!
The 4 stage of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus 3. You are Santa Clause 4. You look like Santa Claus
What did Hitler Drink for breakfast? Jews.
I've stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
What are the chances that Donald Trump has so annoyed people... that even rapists and murderers don't want to be associated with him?
A woman stands on a boardwalk... She notices a man below looking up her dress. "You, sir, are no gentleman!" "And you, lady, are no blonde!"
A German went to the store to pick up some eggs. But all the eggs at the store were rotten. I guess you could say it was a bad yolk.
joke of the day A man tells his friend, "My wife is an angel." His friend replies, "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."
Damn, redditors are lazy... They don't even finish their
I'm starting a business in Indiana; we do paternity tests and private investigations. It's called "Hoosier Daddy and What Does He Do?"
I am a Buddhist atheist, I hope I'm reincarnated as a atheist Buddhist.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE! [everyone freezes] bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this'll be the best mannequin challenge yet
What kind of movies do pirates watch? ARRRR Rated Movies!
What did one snake say to another ? Hiss off !
When can women make you a millionaire? When you're a billionaire.
I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.
Why were the pirates on the ship fighting? They needed better anchor management.
Why is a vagina similar to the weather? Because when it's wet, it's time to go insiiiiide!
Pick a number between 1 and 10 Pick any number between 1 and 10. I will try and guess what number it is. Pick a number I'd say you chose 6 Some people will have just had their minds blown
What do cats major in college? String theory!!
This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I took too many Vicodin.
What kind of money do polar bears use ?  Ice lolly !
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A Flat Miner.
I was thinking about sharing a joke about the Boston Marathon Bombings But there are just some lines that should not be crossed
[Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise - it's a nacho bar inside
What do bad dancers have in common with Michael J Fox trying to use the soft serve ice cream machine? They both have a hard time pulling off a twist.
Do you know the Greek version of Monopoly? It's called Monopoulos and you just borrow all the money from the bank. Everyone loses.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's in tents.
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench... A man wearing a long raincoat approaches, opens it and flashes them. Two of the ladies immediately have a stroke. The third couldn't reach.
Every baby deserves a fair shake.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk
What is six inches long has a bald head and drives every woman crazy? 100$ bill
Where is Hitler's bathroom? Down ze hall on ze Third Reich!
The great thing about Joan Rivers is No matter who digs her up in a thousand years time, she'll always look surprised to see them.
What is it called when you kill a friend? Homiecide.... I'll^see^myself^out...
What did the guy with bad internet get? Loading...
It's not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER. It's the quality of followers.
Note to self: I am a note
What's the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Why can't Ganondorf use the Internet? There's too many Links.
Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear.
I love jokes about video games. They work on so many levels.
Anal sex is like your first car.. You dont want it but your dad gives it to you anyway.
Knock Knock Who is there? Aula. Aula who? ALLAH HUAKBAR!!!!!
As a customs officer, I don't always agree with people... ...but I see where they come from.
What is one food guaranteed to lower a women's sex drive? Wedding cake
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again.
Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please. Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir? Cowboy: Nah... She ain't that ugly.
Guys, police jokes aren't funny. So give it arrest. (I'm so sorry)
What's a cannibal's favourite type of food? Finger food!
Chuck Norris wanted to make jokes great again So he bought a trumpet for every time we make an horrible pun.
Why don't lobsters share their dinner? Because they're shellfish!!!
Donald trumps next book should be called ... The gift of the grab.
Q: Why are manhole covers round? A: Because if they were square, you couldn't play twiddlywinks with them.
Is that placebo working for you? Well, now that you mention it, no.
If someone enjoys bondage, and they hang themselves... Does that mean they died from having a kink in their neck?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I need a hobby where I say stuff and people follow me around.
How do you get honey from a graveyard? From a zombee!   I'll see myself out
I like Ohio's abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you're not super pleased about it.
What have you got if your pet kangaroo gets into molasses and Indian curry? An Indian goo roo
whats girls' favorite language pythong
I am much less afraid of jail when I'm drunk.
What do you call tree sap that won't stop running? Forest gunk.
I like my mens like I like my coffee Nowhere near my dick.
Cop: Know why I stopped you? You didn't, the brakes did. Cop: But do you know why? Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot? Cop: Get out.
Life is lot like a Pe*nis! Simple, soft, Straight, hanging Freely then a woman make it hard......
Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street? Because she didn't want to go.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.
Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that's for sure
I like my women like I like my weather. 60 and dry.
If I ever had a heart transplant I would want my ex's because it's never been used
What is the shortest street in the universe? Planckstrasse
It's 11:48 PM. You can't sleep. Underneath your bed, there's a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
the hottest girl u can think of has had diarrhea. kinda puts everything into perspective.
What animal has the tendency to be a half-ass A mule
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[phone rings] "Hello?" Hi, is your refrigerator running? "WTF?" ...well Hillary is! Hi, I'd like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
How to capitalize on a bad situation. ON A BAD SITUATION
I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym. *burns tongue while drinking coffee* "Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!"
I've waited long to say this. I think we should all gift watches to the folks at /r/trees. It's high time.
Why was the tree soooo happy? Because he didn't arbor any feelings!
A zebra walks into a bar... He orders a drink and leaves. A few minutes later a horse walks into the bar. The bartender asks "Hey man! What happened to your pajamas?"
Jared may not get free subway for life anymore... But he will have no shortage of 6 inch or foot longs.
good parents A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"
My Brother had to give up Tap Dancing recently. He kept falling into the sink!
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate his tits a lot.
James Bond. Great spy? Or guy who gets captured every mission.
[first date questions] You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses...and she's gone Whatever she's probably vegan
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..
mad props to my friends from high school who are successfully balancing raising a baby and constantly posting someecards on facebook
Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.
2012: Oh no, my iPhone is at 10% and there's no charger. 1812: Oh no, winter is starting.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? He replied....chicken. Thank god he is good looking.
1940 I met my first love. 1942 I met my second. Then I met my third at 1948. It's been a hectic evening.
How do you know a girl is too young for you? When you have to make airplane noises to get your dick in her mouth
Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor... ... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart
LOL"Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know". Block Block Block Block
What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive? A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend)
If Caitlyn Jenner was a super hero, what team would she be in? The X-Men
Dream Job My dream job is cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.
A guy once lied about being a broom on the internet... I guess OP was a bundle of sticks.
Cop: First name please... "Frida" Cop: Last name... "Gomam" Cop: You're Frida Gomam? *peels out* Cop: Nice, nice
I was thinking about making an elm tree joke.. But it's acorny one.
When "Tickle Me Elmo" was a big deal, there had to be a quality assurance department... Imagine, a whole group of people whose job was to test tickles.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
What's left of a garden after it catches on fire? Chard remains.
People usually say I make bad jokes. I tell them I'm not their parents.
Just realized why women love shoes over clothing, because no matter how much weight they gain, the shoes still fit.
I have a contact lens problem. I have no contact lens solution.
Why can't Jamaicans count to 10? Because there's a *tree* in the way!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
No one loves their kids equally. I use a curve system.
Did you know there's a new sub for disputes? r/gument I'll show meself out.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying.
What's the difference between a lobster with big boobs and a greyhound bus stop? One is a crusty bus station, one is a busty crustacean.
Q: What breakfast food does Dr. Oz swear by? A: QUACKer Oaths.
What do you say when you fart on an elevator? Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?
Incest A game the whole family can play.
Knock knock. Who's there? Hotel. Hotel who? Ho, tell me where my money is!
What does a Frog use to fish with? A TAD POLE.
"Thanks, that's a great haircut." [takes off wig] "Now let's see how you do with the real thing."
M.C. Escher walks into a bar forever.
I only eat in two situations: when I'm hungry and when I'm not hungry
A sausage and an egg in a frying pan..... The sausage says to the egg: 'fucking hell its hot in here.' The egg says to the sausage: 'fucking hell, a talking sausage.'
If you take an Asian man and spin him around 3 times... Does he become disoriented?
Did you know Eazy E has a brother. His name is Hard D.
I'm gonna stay a virgin my entire life I wanna set a good example for my kids!
What's a porn stars favorite golf course? The inter course.
How do people see so much on internet these days? They put on the Google!
When I change my son I don't use diaper cream, I use anti-wrinkle cream. He'll thank me as an adult with the smoothest balls in history.
How does a deaf guy make a girl cum? By reading to her lips
I thought my roommate was a good person but he just threw away a box of unfinished Wendy's chicken nuggets.
I'm a die hard Bruce Willis fan.
Why did the girltree fall in love with the boy tree? He was sappy
If you are ever attacked by a group of clowns... Always go for the juggler. . . . Credit: /u/CartoonsAreForKids
What do ghosts use to predict the future? Horror-scopes!
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested? For fingering A minor.
What do we want? Low flying plane noises! when do we want em? Nnneeeeeeeeyyyyyoooooowwwww
You'll never understand unconditional love until the birth of a child. Or hear the beep of a microwave with your burrito.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames. QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Biotechnologists should invent a totally transparent groundhog. It'd look creepy as hell, but spring would come early forever.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers. Must've been the soccer tees.
[taking baby's shoes off & examining the soles] "Oh look, completely clean. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere."
Decisions Sometimes life gives you really hard decisions. Then other times It gives you really easy decisions like whether you should choose the lettuce or the ice cream
What does Britain and a dead pig have in common? Both have been fucked by David Cameron.
Why do women parachutists wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
Why do blacks raise chickens? To teach their kids how to walk.
My wife said that if I lose my job, she's divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?
I lost my dictionary today. I can't find the words to express my dissapointment.
"do you have dailysex?", John received a text... "Oh idneed, I hvae dyselxia. Hwo did yuo konw?"
What's a Drill Sergeant's term for an erection? Penis weakness leaving the body.
Translating the German joke Germans only tell Germans. I don't like to talk about the Holocaust either. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He got drunk and fell off the guard tower.
Since I have a lot of exams next week... I decided to buy a Seahawks jersey. That way, I'm sure to pass even if I shouldn't
When that guy has sex with his wife on a motorcycle he's "cool." When I do it I'm "absconding with the cadaver."
I got really bored today and came up with this one... Who is 'Anonymous' and why does everybody feel the need to quote them?
Wife: (shouting) Stop watching porn.. ... I can hear it in the kitchen Husband:I'm not, it's Sharapova vs Serena... I'm watching tennis
I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
How do you know a black chick is pregnant? When she pulls out the tampon all the cotton has been picked.
Maybe the ocean is so salty because the land doesn't wave back
How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road?  It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
What is a recently divorced woman's favorite fruit? Mango!
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship* MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it? ME: I'm not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Yo momma so fat... Yo momma so fat when she talks to herself its a long distance call.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans!
Why did no one come to the ghost's party? [OC] The h was in charge of the invitations.
What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches? Single.
Quickest way to offend a Jew you tell them Noweh!
Did you hear about the new wine that the Taliban is selling in the US to help fund its war efforts? They call it "White Infidel."
If you have my phone number but insist on posting some personal tidbit on my FB wall, I'll beat the crap out of you.
What did they say about both the winner and the loser of the sock-pairing competition? His pairs are unmatched!
How many people does it take to tell a joke on reddit? Two. One to post the joke and one to post a better punchline in the comments.
How to catch a polar bear. Dig a hole in the ice and line it with peas. Then when he goes to take a pea just kick him in the ice hole.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed? M: Actually... *stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours* M: That was amazing.
What's a ducks favourite snack? Quackers! **EDIT: Spelling**
What's the difference between anal and oral? Oral will make your whole day, Anal will make your hole weak
My dad told me that getting a blowjob is the only way to get ahead in life.
Howdeepisthepool? He had too much to drink before he went swimming!
I was camping when I lost my virginity. It was in tents.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
The flag in the moon is fading into an all white flag Future generations will believe the French were there.
The doctors found a malignant tumor at my checkup the other day... It's really starting to grow on me
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
My boss asked me which Game of Thrones house he'd best be placed in... I told him House Lannister because it only takes one hand to go fuck yourself.
Did you hear about the snobby cow? She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!
Why don't blondes wear mini skirts in San Francisco? Their balls will show.
In the case of emergencies, why are women and children evacuated first? So that men can think for a solution in silence.
Jokes so bad.... [..they will make you ho(a)rse](http://www.arkinspace.com/2011/07/jokes-so-bad-they-will-make-you-hoarse.html)
Why does Peter Dinklage drink Smirnoff? Because he can't reach for the Grey Goose
Barack Obama has a long one, George Bush has a short one, Lorde doesn't have one and Pope Francis doesn't use his... Last names. What were you expecting?
If you were a pizza... you'd be a pizza shit!
We really need to silence the Muslim jokes I'm talking to the guys in particular, since the Women are already silent.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The Head Nurse.
I asked an extremely fit girl if I could see her snatch... So she loaded up the bar and asked, "How many?"
What's a sharks favorite game? Swallow the leader. *This joke has been brought to you by my 8 year old's math homework.*
Yo momma so fat, the closer you get to her, the slower time passes for you in relation to an observer outside her gravitational pull.
Whenever I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind, I just run a few ideas by my cat and then I feel better.
I love pressing F5 It's so refreshing.
Why did Rolf Harris leave Animal Hospital? He heard they were getting hares and lost interest!
What do you call Iron Man when he is feeling sad? A bit of a Downey
What do u call a soda that has eyes A fanta see. It never happens
What do disabled people get when there's a fire in the building? Left behind
Why can't you barbecue in Amsterdam? Because the steaks are too high.
I'm more than happy to take your sloppy seconds. Who am I kidding, I'll take corroded fourteenths.
Two astronauts in the ISS... One says to the other, "What's up?" The other replies, "Yeah, what?" I'm pretty sure this is OC, I haven't see it else where.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Guys I need help. What are the type of numbers you get when you take an integer and add it to itself? I can't even
Want to hear a good construction joke? I'm still working on it...
How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Frat boys don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in puddles of vomit.
I heard the news about Mr. Ali's passing... I was pretty upset. So why am I in the mood for a giant chocolate shake?
How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report? Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.
I'm worried my dog will never find out who's a good boy.
What do you call a cashew in space? An astronut.
Civil War puns are the best And General Lee, they're easy to make.
[Fixed] What do you get when you put human DNA in a goat? ISIS
Did you hear Oxygen and Magnesium are dating now? OMg !!!
Really the only way to look cool eating a salad is to shoot it into your mouth with a crossbow.
Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
Why did AMD release black edition cpu? Cause they run faster than white.
Here's a bit of advice for you Advi
Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is.
I read a study about how sleep deprivation causes false memories ...I think
I swear if anyone makes fun of Mike Tyson... I'll whoop their ath!
No plastic surgeon will help me! I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.
If I'm ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I'll be like "stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!"
What do you call an old person trying to fit in with today's kids? A dislocated hipster.
Man in the book store a man enters a bookstore and asks: do you have a book called " men- king of the house" gets a reply: No, we don't sell fairy tales here.
I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.
Finally, I win 1st place in something! A guy recently rated me as a solid 1 in the attractiveness scale. I've never won anything in my life!
Reddit servers.
Why are all comic book readers drug addicts? They just can't resist the heroine.
If republicans stand up and clap I get a shot, if democrats stand up and clap I have to buy someone a shot who can't afford it. #sotu
Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.
If I can wear my underwear inside out and backwards all day with no one noticing, how important are they really?
I ate an optimist once... But I couldn't keep him down.
My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. He calls it my birth certificate.
Kim Kardashian as First Lady
A half Chinese, half Italian mobster came into my store today He made me an offer I couldn't understand
The real power of a man... Is the size of the smile on his woman's face sitting next to him.
Scott. Scott goes to a party Scott knocks on the door Scott is greeted by more popular kids Scott is excluded from the party Scott no friends
Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you. Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon? [from my stomach] I'm right here
My physics teacher is the chord slope of an a-t curve The average jerk
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Nothing shows the depressing reality of physical aging more than a boy band reunion.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You'd think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
What to hear a joke about dementia? Pickles
What do businessmen and pedophiles have in common? They're both uptight cunts.
My friend is so easy to manipulate... I once convinced him to go to the hospital by putting a piece of glass in his neck. ^Apologies ^to ^American ^Dad!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it's a "tragedy." But when a zombie get hit, it's a "good kill." Hypocrites.
A power-tripping mod finds a comment he disagrees with... [deleted]
This girl came up to me today, and claimed she knew me from her vegetable club. I'd never met herbivore.
the waiter snuck up on me when i was eating my steak and now i'm all embarrassed 'cause i'm not sure how much to tip someone i just stabbed.
What does a black guy get after sex? 20-30 years in prison
What is red and white and red and white and red and ....? Santa Clause rolling down a hill
Call of Duty is like the Boy Scouts, everyone's gay, and there's a lot of camping.
What's the downside of house arrest?
What's a jewish man's favourite song? Tanakh Tanakh Tun
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.
I used to hate tumors But then they grew on me
What eye cannot see, cannot blink and is bleeding? The browneye. You'll have to guess why its bleeding.
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... and I only know this because its been reposted over a dozen times.
You know you're getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Whenever someone makes a Jew joke and the Rabhi is in the room everybody goes "AWWWSWITCHZ"
You got me... If I asked you to have sex with me, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?
Why was six scared of seven? Because seven "ate" nine.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife's underwear] But that means... [Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
There are 10 types of people in this world... ... Those who know binary and those who dont
Ever wonder where the happiest place in the world is? It's gate 25 @ Kansas City airport after they announce 2hr delay for flight to NYC.
I just watched Bug's Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My Wife's nickname for me is "Microsoft" because I'm good with computers. RIGHT HONEY? Hold on guys, she's not done laughing.
New machine at the gym There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all. Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Doctors who wear scrubs infuriate me. You put on a goddamn suit and tie or a ball gown before you handle me, you slob.
Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too.
What instrument does the Irish chemist play? The boron.
I love plants. They are the only living things that do not run away from me.
Where do Jewish kids go in the summer to learn to study better? Concentration camp
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco. Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he's away on fishing weekends.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into my girlfriend's ass.
What do you call a drug-addicted duck? A quackhead.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off
My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year. He's doing confidence intervals.
Boss "I'm looking for a volunteer." Me *chops off own legs "I can't!" Co-worker "I'm busy, sorry." Me "damn, that's a better excuse."
My friend said after getting his second divorce that he forgot what pussy looks like... But he knows what a cunt looks like
I wish people would stop asking me where I think I'll be in 5 years... I don't have 2020 vision.
Why did the fox cross the road? Cause there was a billion fucking chickens on the other side.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number that you've probably never heard of. I'd explain it but you probably wouldn't get it.
Why does the coffee taste like shit? Because it was ground this morning.
NEWS ITEM. Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and  two days later sent him home with a ransom note. His parents immediately sent the kid back with the money.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
How many mexicans does it take to replace a lightbulb? Juan.
Why did the chicken cross the road? He cannot comprehend the concept of a road. He is just looking for food.
Did you hear about the ex-porn star who got fired from the gas station? Every time he got close to filling the tank, he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gasoline all over the car.
I know that a lot of people resent white rappers for that reason I use a tasteful floral pattern for my all my gifts.
Why is your Girlfriend like KFC? Because after you're done eating you throw your bone in a greasy box.
what was Joan of Arc's hidden talent? She could really cook.
In baseball, why does it take longer to get from second to third than any other bases? Because there's a short stop in between.
I see your thesaurus joke and raise you mine. Did you here about the truck full of thesauruses that crashed? Onlookers were shocked, astounded, agape, flabbergasted, and taken aback.
What did the prostitute say after fucking Jesus? Nailed it!
Sayings always said with sarcasm. Any examples? I hate to say I told you so. No sarcasm: I...I truly hate to say I told you so.
hey atheists: if God isn't real then who did I just give my credit card information to over the phone?
Why is Hillary Clinton running for President? Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement.
Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all...So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.
A guy tells his friend a long sleeping joke, which his friend hates. "That was a bed joke," said his listening friend.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, Does that make you an iWitness?
I opened my front door this morning to find a large black coffin. I gave him a pack of Lockets and told him to fuck off.
Why was Hitler late for work? He tried driving a new route to work, but instead of taking the second left, he took the third reich.
Today, I'm happy to say I am 12 years sober! Unfortunately it was only the first 12 years of my life and I've been drunk ever since.
Damn it mom. Boy: Mom do I look good? Mom: Ask your girlfriend. Boy: I don't have a girlfriend. edit: .
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas? GLOVES! Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet
So I encountered my friend with a penguin next to him.. So I said to my friend: "You should take that penguin to the zoo" So he responds: "I already did that, but he didn't like it"
Today's ebonic word is: "OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence. I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.
Why does Bob Seger always laugh when he plays chess? He thinks it's funny how the Knight moves.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidently going to work fully clothed.
[ cookout ] Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing! Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I like my exes like I like my msn messenger Misremembered fondly but gone forever.
I started a food-themed 80's cover band called Durian Durian... ...but we broke up after everybody told us how much we stank.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren't really my 'thing'.
Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says "You know I just ate my mother-in-law and she still doesn't agree with me!"
How is American beer like having sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water.
Give me a T! "Give me a T." "T" "Give me a T." "T" "Oh, fuck it. I'll go to another cafe."
What do Indians live in? Poverty. :(
Why do Mexicans walk around school like they own the place? Their dads built it and their moms clean it.
People who pull on the back of your seat to stand up on a plane/bus are worse than Jeffrey Dahmer.
Actually, I'd rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I'm going in there, because HELLO PIE.
The thing about suicides Q: What's worse than suicide? A: the life before it.
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes
I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!
Baby you must be a vector image... Cause no matter how close I look you're still perfect.
What do choosy moms choose? abortion.
Chivalrous Indian
They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
I had a blind date last night At least I think it was a date. The blindfold and duct tape was a bit different.
ELF: Santa one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasaurass.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel between his legs The barkeep asks if he knows he has a wheel there.. He replies, "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"
In a hotel room. The dog's growling and whimpering. My wife's worried the neighbours will think we're having sex.
Continuing the apparent theme of incest jokes... How do you circumcise a boy from Missouri? You kick his sister in the chin.
Me: lets go get a drink! Friend: what's the occasion? Me: ... Friend: ... Me: I don't understand the question.
What's Natalie Portman's favorite element? Thorium.
I can't stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can't take it.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I like my pizza "Chicago" style. full of bullet holes.
Kopi Luwak is supposed to be the finest coffee in the world. I don't agree. Its still shit!
Limerick There was this baker from South Carolina Who stuck an eggbeater in her vagina The cakes she would glaze In an orgasmic haze And her screams they would rattle the china
I'm boycotting terrorism From now on I'm drinking all of my whiskey neat, no more ISIS
Snooker is like sex. The pink is more valuable than the brown.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is marriage.
"Why won't you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?" [ sigh ] "You're a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe." [ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
It doesn't matter if you come third in the water olympics... All dives matter.
Remember when you used to blow bubbles as a kid? I ran into him the other day, he wanted me to tell you hello...
I have made nothing but horrible decisions ever since I had my wisdom teeth taken out.
Feminist Picnic... No sandwiches were made.
How do you offend a white person? Tell him he cant tell racist jokes.
How much does a Satanist weigh? A pentagram.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Gets in shower Washes hair Thinks about a tweet Forgets if washed hair Washes hair Gets out of shower Forgets tweet
A Short Joke Dwarves and midgets have very little in common.
r/ best "I like my ( ) like I like my ( )" I like my women how I like my natural resources, Foreign and Untapped. Top that and you win rule of the internet #899
You Must Have A High Ohm Rating Because the more voltage I put in you, the hotter you get.
I don't have a small penis... its just "fun sized".
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow turns to the other and says, "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease?" The other one looks at him and says, "Good thing I'm a helicopter."
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
As Sitting Bull said to the mermaid . . . "How?"
How did one dinosaur insult the other? Yo mama so stupid she gets excited seeing a shooting star.
test. don't click. **woah this is thick** *tower of pisa* super^man ~~assassinated~~ [NotPorn](httP://pornhub.com)
A man goes to a zoo... The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It was a shih tzu. ^shit zoo
Guys, I'm eating for two! I'm not pregnant, I just have a problem with portion control.
What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head? Ducks like a quack.
Why do people say,"You can't make this stuff up." Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him. That's more my speed.
Nothing solves all of life's biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.
Nate: "Hey what's the weather like out there?" Kate: "I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."
Sometimes I call meteors hot space potatoes and everyone just keeps ignoring me
what do you get when you give chimp bluetooth? Chimp handsfree
What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing  to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You're clearly not that complicated.
A mexican magician tell his audience he will disappear on the count of 3 "Uno, Dos..." *poof* He disappeared without a tres
It's so rude when someone's phone goes off in class. Some of us are trying to sleep.
The Flash series must be really good... ...too bad everything happens too fast.
What is a mouse's favorite record ?  'Please cheese me' !
My wife wanted to role-play.. ..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.
Chicken pot pie. My three favourite things.
I am in NO condition to drive. (I'm a woman.)
Man A: Would you suck my cock if I cleaned it? Man B: No.. Man A: You dirty cocksucker!!!
Me VS Computer A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. for more jokes visit http://smsbrunch.com
Before I rush off to the bathroom to pee, I just wanted to tell you what a good friend you are to me. On a scale from 1 to 10... *urinate*
I measured your Mother's resistance to being accelerated by a force. The answer was massive.
Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke? They don't find them Hume-erous.
The higher they are, the more spaced out they get What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? &amp;nbsp; ^^The ^^punchline ^^need ^^not ^^be ^^always ^^at ^^the ^^end...
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two tired
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
90s kids won't get this, either ... Psych!
Science Jokes Thread on AskReddit! For your amusement: http://en.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1auxsf/what_are_some_funny_scientific_jokes_that_you_know/
I was really disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
What is a mortician's favorite side dish? Gravy
How did the Hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How do Muslims laugh? Muahahahamed Note: I don't have any prejudices against Islamic people.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It's all good. I'll wait.
How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.
Woah! Brian Williams' fly is wide open! Newsflash.
When I watch an '80s movie I can't help but think about how all those malls are dead now.
My girlfriend was crying after she had a miscarriage... I said, "don't worry hunny, at least it was still born..."
I'm the dog whisperer. I'll whisper the word "dog" 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
An old joke, regardless its still hilarious. A cheetah would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Would.
How Does a Woman Make a Man a Millionaire? When he's a billionaire.
Mitt Romney.
Me: "I can't find your phone." Her: "Call it." Me: "Here, phone!" Her: "I hate you."
"I love you. I'd do anything for you." -let me see your phone real quick "You're smothering me. I need some space"
Why doesn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbor understand references to current events? He's been living under The Rock.
Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause you're always guardin' your wallet, guardin' your car, and guardin' your house.
I used to be a door to door vacuum salesman... That shit sucked.
Climate skeptics and 9/11-truthers unite! Alternative fuel can't melt steel beams!
Who takes the most drugs? The police.
I went on a date last night with a tiny lobster. Its didnt work out. She was a little shellfish.
What do u call a black abortion? crime control
What does a neckbeard eat when he is in a Mcdonalds in France? Le Big Mac
You say "potato", I say "This isn't working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me."
My mom passed earlier today. It's sad of course, but I know one day she'll stop and say "Hi."
I made this up today. How do you print something when you've really got to go to the toilet? You ctrl p.
so embarrassing when u think u nailed the big interview and it turns out he was interviewing the guy behind u the whole time
You know what makes a lot of sense? A dollar
Border collies are not very inbred... You know what dogs *are* inbred? Hotdogs.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about...MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE
My sons ebola joke What do Africans have for breakfast? Ebola cereal :) (Be kind,he's only 14 lol)
I don't think so unnamed henchman shooting at the main character.
Heard of that new product for removing gum that's stuck in your hair? Chemotherapy
Why can't you hear a red heads footsteps Because they walk so gingerly
What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long? A thon
knock knock who's there? To To who? AH AH AH, to whom
PMS: I'm sorry. ME: Why? It's a good day. PMS: Wait for it. ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
An elegant man call the mailman the other day. This double oval shape organ
Of course men aren't above women... But I'd sure like to be on top of you ;)
My toddler just asked me "mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?"
I was going to read a book on the male reproductive system today... ...But, unfortunately, the bookstore informed that it never came.
I thought I caught a snorlax on pokemon go turns out i was on tinder
If you have sex on a boat... ...is that off-shore drilling?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive. Well, boo hoo. My dad was actively aggressive. Just ask my hand.
so I saw an ad on ebay about a book on how to scam on ebay so i bought it.. It still hasn't arrived.
*middle of an argument* Me-There are so many great things to do with a human mouth... ...why waste it on talking. Friend- like what? Me- Motor boating 
White men can jump to conclusions.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas Boss: it's May Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
A man goes into a shop to buy flowers for his wife. he then fucks the cashier and gets a divorce
I had a dream where I was a car muffler... It was exhausting.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I'm "misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist" white.
NSFW What do you say when you meet a German virgin for the first time? Guden Tight
What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors? A free upgrade
Allow me to sum up the 90's for you. 90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945
"I saw a really nice chair yesterday." - if your grandma tweeted
FINISH THE SENTENCE!!! I woke up in a ditch and....
Drake jokes I'll start: Drake the type of dude to stare at the biggest dude in jail directly in the eyes then SLAM the soap on the bathroom floor.
[highspeed chase] ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they're getting away *turns on Siren* [several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?  You get a buzzy signal.
If Trump wins, I think I may know what will happen to New Mexico [Removed]
Has your mom ever caught you masturbating in the closet? Great hiding spot, isn't it?
I ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late She loves me wrong time.
What do you call a helicopter mixed with a rhino?? Well hell-if-i-know!
Whats fun for 9/10 people? gang-rape
She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me... but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.
What do you call shooting yourself in the face with jiz? Homo-cide
Why do politicians take laxatives? So they can speak more fluently
How does a French lady hold her liquor? By the ears
My girlfriend's a crappy computer ... she always shuts down when I need her but never shuts up when I don't.
Dealing with the death of a family member knock knock. Who's there? Not mommy. Ever again.
Why will I go down in history? I dunno, but I'll go down in math and chemistry too.
What do you call a fat man trying out a new tempurpedic mattress? The great depression
Q: What is yellow and wears a mask? A: The Lone Lemon.
Why are farmers the best at what they do? They are out standing in their field.
Nick Cave is not on Tinder because he's the Grindr man.
wife: Feeling better? me: Yeah wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn't you? [flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation] me: No
I know a guy named Bill who stuck his dick in penut butter. He was fucking nuts.
What is Australian cuisine called? Prison Food Source: 8 out of 10 Cats does Countdown
I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid A few friends told me how badly it went for them.
What's your best Hitler joke?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird? Tequila, I'm looking at you.
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Why hasn't Beetle Bailey retired from the Army yet?
There are only 3 lawyer jokes. The rest are all true.
Can we get a "no arms, no legs" thread going here? I need some good "no arms and no legs" jokes to tell
Does the KKK still exist? Yeah, they just changed their name to the LAPD...
What style of art was preferred by the Third Reich? Post-Imprussianist.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
*In church 9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing... Me: [Whispers] So we don't fall asleep 9: oh
I'm not a fan of male-to-female sex change surgery... It just seems like a dick move.
I know they say that looks aren't everything... But have you ever tried wanking to personality?
Here's what I do not understand Spanish
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Knock knock. Who's there? Owls go. Owls go who?
What do you call a sick bird from Mars? An ill Eagle alien. Original joke created for my 5 year old.
What did Shakespeare name his pet pig? Hamlet.
Reading popular baby names. Once again, Adolf is nowhere to be found.
A Faster Than Light Neutrino Knock, knock. Who's there?
A frendly reminder! "You will live to see man-made horrors beyond your comprehension." Nikola Tesla
[Dark humor] What do you call a not-hungry ethiopian? Dead.
How do you circumcise a redneck Kick his sister in the chin.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.
"You want to have your cake and eat it, too." "Yeah. It's MY cake."
My Jewish family banned beans, Ever since my grandfather died of uncontrollable gas.
What do you think Jesus' favorite gun would be? A nail gun
There are two kinds of people in the world Those that can extrapolate from missing information
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
A general reads War and Peace another soldier asked him how he liked it "liked the first half, hated the second. " he said
What's the difference between God and a Welder? God doesn't think he's a Welder.
So, i wanted to know what my weight was. 'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said. But how am i supposed to see the numbers?
"Hey can you take our picture?" ME: yea sure *takes picture* ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[sifting through mail] baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
What do nuns do? Nunthing
A Japanese man meets a midwestern man The Japanese man says, "Good morning! Where are you from?" The midwestern man replies, "Ohio, Ohio"
What belongs in the bank and doesn't exist? My tax refund.
What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.
Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off,
What did the dog use to make his kite? Flypaper.
October tenth is a day that I rate... 10/10
If I ever saw an amputee being hung, I'd start yelling out letters.
When Spongebob has sex he wouldn't make the girl wet. He would dry her up.
My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.
Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the Captain was stood on the deck!
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
What do you call a gay Jewish and Chinese couple? Christmas dinner every night. Happy holidays reddit!
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand* Booth operator: ma'am please not again Me: someBODY once tolled me
Why should you avoid people dressed as celery? They could be stalking you!
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did-in his sleep Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Old man Johnson and his world-champion pole vaulting neighbor are really one in the same... They both grip their sticks and try to get it up.
A pessimist and an optimist are watching one of the 2016 debates... The pessimist says "It can't get any worse" and the optimist says "Oh yes it can!"
Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
I gave up my seat for a blind man on the bus today That's how I lost my job as a bus driver
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.
What is the Kingsman policy on workplace relationships? (OC) Brogues before Hos
Say Gabe Horn
Did you hear the one about the guy with two wooden legs? They caught fire and he burnt to the ground.
I think the San Francisco 49ers should embrace their region's history and name their cheerleaders the Gold Diggers
My abs are like tan(pi/2) They're undefined.
My whore sister wants to get a tramp stamp of a barcode. I guess so guys in the club can do a price check.
Why are there so few casinos in Africa? Too many cheetahs
Why don't bald guys with beards just walk upside down?
I'd submit a joke about the World trade center building But 9/11 Americans wont get it.
Relationship status: Negotiating with the dog to lease space in his flat.
Q: Why did the pacifist /b/tard try to calm everyone down? **A:** He did it for the *lullz*
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
i have a moving image of jesus on my pc monitor. i guess you could say it's my screen saviour.
Why was the man with no arms or legs the BEST party host? Because no matter what, when you get to the front door you will always see a welcome Matt.
What's a donkeys favourite breakfast cereal? Mule-sli
Passenger: Does this bus go to London?  Conductor: No. Passenger: But it says London on the front. Conductor: There's an advertisement for baked beans on the side but we don't sell them!
What does laundry day and the 1950's have in common Color separation
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What's the illuminati's favorite month? Jew-Lie
Avenge me but only if it's convenient.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Boris ! Boris who ? Boris with more knock knock jokes !
Trumps plan for the wall works. Look at China. They built a fucking wall and you don't see any Mexicans there. Edit: spelling
Mum: Why does your little brother  jump up and down before taking his medicine? Boy: Because he read the label and it said 'shake well before using.'
So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Just kidding.
[1st date] HER: do you like charades? MIME: [thumbs up] HER: well? MIME: [nodding 'yes'] HER: hello? MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-einated
Why do people traveling east out of Sweden get a metal? Because they're crossing the Finnish line.
What's the worst part about being black? Even the name has 'lack' in it
How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they prefer the dark.
My girlfriend pegged me for the first time last night. The sex was great, but I don't know why she insisted on wearing an eye patch.
Have you heard the one about the suicidal farmer that liked to mutilate cows? He was a danger to himself and udders. Edit: Spelling
My brother was born backwards... His nose runs and his feet smell.
What do ghosts use to phone home? A terror-phone.
Honest slogan Benadryl- "Because you can't have the sniffles while in a sleep coma"
The truth will set you free. Unless the truth is you committed murder. In which, the truth will get you 25 to life.
With Easter coming up it has me wondering. Is the Easter bunny a shell for big egg?
A Jewish kid asks his father for 5 bucks His dad replies, "4 dollars? What would you need 3 dollars for??"
You know you're an alcoholic when... ...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
Why does it take more than a million sperms to fertilize one egg? 1) Female Ego... Rejection without Reason! 2) Male Ego... Won't Ask For Directions!
Is it true that you can get an STD from public toilets? Only if you sit down before the last guy has gotten up.
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's  witness with a business man? A door to door salesman!
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They drive slow in school zones
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don't even have to be gay, it's just a fun thing to do.
If you're going to have a beer with Russian's You better Czech yourself before you wreck yourself. Edit:FUCK I JUST REALIZED HOW BAD THIS JOKE IS
Why do pirates have trouble walking? Arrrr-thritis
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything...
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. Ninety-eight of them said, "Screamed get out.. get out of my bathroom?"
A Man walks into a Zoo The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
my signature move is yelling "where in the fridge?!" and "i don't see it!" until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me
It's ironic that my dentist appointment is at 2:30 tomorrow. Because tooth hurty.
My doctor sang this to me at my birthday "Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"
When my Great Grandmother was a kid she asked her dad for a ring with a cat on it. Her father replied with stick your finger up the cats ass.
"We've been doing this for years, I simply can't be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?" - people who named the fly.
Girlfriend The other day, my girlfriend called me a pedophile... But what does she know, she's only 7.
What do you call a bunch of black dudes in a shed... Antique garden tools.
My pregnant wife said her doctor told her no more sex until the baby is born I asked, "What did your dentist say?"
St. Bernards are dogs living in the Swiss Alps who search for lost travellers, skiers and mountaineers. That's how they survive the winters.
See if this carries thru in txt 1)Knock knock. 2)Who's there? 1)Interrupting chicken. 2)Inter.. 1)..BUK BKOCK!!!!
Donald Trump Running For President
The police caught me while I was spraypainting graffiti. I tried to deny it, but the writing was already on the wall.
Why did the baker get smelly fingers? Because he needed a poo.
Barber: What would you like today? Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
What is the difference between white teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? White teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
You can bet that the Street will vote for Hillary Vuitton . . . . . . they know she's in the bag !
Facebook tells me today is "National Winnie the Pooh Day" ... I hope they're ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office
If I were a millionaire, I'd probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, 'Salt' & 'Pepper'.
Me and my girlfriend bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice up our love life... ... I just can't seem to fit it inside her. Shouldn't have gotten the hardcover version I guess.
What do you call a dead fowl that is haunting you? A Poltergeese!
I once had a job circus sizing elephants. The pay was lowsy, but the tips were huge!
Interviewer: "What's your greatest strength?" *45 minutes later* Me: "I'm very comfortable with silence."
Oxygen and Potassium went on a date it went OK
2 fish in a tank, one says to the other Do you know how to drive this thing?
Bought some shoes from my drug dealer Pretty shitty ones though, he's a drug dealer, not a shoe salesman.
What's the difference between my wife and my paycheck? My paycheck comes once a week.
If you run in front of a car, you get tired. If you run behind it, you get exhausted.
Thought of this joke in a dream. What did one tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate? "Bro, do you even shift?"
The coffee in my cup is rippling. With all my experiences in the past this means that a dinosaur is coming my way.....Shit.
I've been debating with myself about masturbating... On one hand it feels great... Edit: Thanks Bo
I haven't had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I'm basically a duck at this point.
every time i read ROFL I hear scooby doo trying to say waffle
What's red and is bad for your teeth? A brick
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Rap is 75% crap
I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree.
What do you call bacon wrapped frog legs? The Muppets
Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their "eating disorder".
What did the starfish say when it realized that it lost it's ability to regenerate limbs? I can't remember.
Sorry I yelled "chug it" to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler? "Am I exhausted!"
What do potheads do when they see a fire? Stop, drop, and roll
A man walks into a bar. He bashed his head. What did you think would have happened?
What's the difference between a guy with a vasectomy and a guy without a vasectomy? There's a vas deferens.
A joke my 8 year old brother told me. G rating Why dont you take a pokemon to the bathroom. Because it might pi-ka-chu
Why does the pedophile like minecraft? Because he liked playin around all those miners.
Punishment - joke A student is talking to his teacher. Student: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" Teacher:" Of course not." Student: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."
What do computers and air conditioners have in common? Neither work when you open windows.
*takes bite of cookie* Aw man this is awful *takes another bite* Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
What do you call a dead bee? A was.
Did I tell you guys about the guy who attempted suicide from the top floor of my building? I thought he was gonna live but that was a different story.
My question is: how did she manage to forget the result?
A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.
Did you hear about the fish that married the duck? They got along swimmingly
When a bird poops on you, it's also peeing on you, because they do both at the same time. So remember: you're a TOTAL bird toilet.
New Rule Prizefighters are now allowed to bring a loaded gun to a fist fight.
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
What if Toyota's problems with sticky accelerators were traced back to a pedalmaker who forgot to wash his hands after eating a honey bun?
A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.
Pissed there isn't a superhero in my town called 'The Human Bee'. That jumps out of trees with a knife in his ass.
Ford claims that 90% of its cars are still on the road today That's pretty bad, apparently only 10% of them made it back home
My brother started making terrible bird puns to annoy me... But toucan play at that game
Kate Gosselin got rejected by Playboy. When your hoo-ha could be mistaken for the Grand Canyon, you might want to try National Geographic.
Which city u cannot enter? ELECTRICITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you know you clench your butt when you sleep yeah, it was really tight last night.
[solicitor reading my will] "He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard".
If you're bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Why are Eastern-Europeans so racist on average? They're waiting for one more dictator to treat them like animals before confirming that racism sucks.
I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off the top. It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts
What's Brown and Sticky A stick
I like my women like I like my smartphones Slender and Korean
Butterfly I saw a butterfly with no wings today. I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM... it drowned
What happens when Lucy starts using 100% of her brain? She's almost as smart as a man.
Enterprise What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both keep Klingons off Uranus.
Twitter provides the technology for my thoughts to be ignored by far more people than ever before.
Do you have holes in your socks? You don't? Then how do you put your feet in?
Q: What's purple and goes slam slam slam slam? A: A four door grape.
when people post the punchline in the title You know what I hate?
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it
If all women said yes There would be no more rape.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Cum and Lotion look and taste the same.... JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......
What do you call a bad circumcision? A rip off..
Why clickbait is so effective
What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat? Uncle Bens rice.
How does gravity greet itself? It just waves
Mrs. A was my favorite teacher in grade school. She was by far the nicest of all of the staph at school.
What did Elton John call his tribute to Mother Teresa? Sandals in the Bin
So a dentist just finished his first root canal... I guess you could say it was his crowning achievement.
My wife has two weeks left to live... Then I'm going to stab her.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can't tell because I'm eating Doritos.
What do you do if your partner starts smoking? Slow down. Use lube.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw em.
Why do meth-heads do it doggystyle? So they can both look out the window.
Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin
"Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight." -- The Swiss Army
Dead Babies What's worse than seven dead babies in a trash can? One dead baby in seven trash cans. What's your dead baby joke?
Why can't penguins fly? They're too short to reach the controls of the plane.
The book I'm reading says "4-6 years" on the cover, but there's only like 6 words on each page. I'll be finished by the end of the week.
1 in 5 children faces hunger... So why not turn the 5th kid around?
Donald Trump is the candy corn of politicians Part white, part orange and sickening in large doses
An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked" I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..
I'll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare.. Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says "fuck off, you won't bring it back"
How do you get a jewish girls number? Roll up her sleeve.
What is the most useless superpower? America.
Types of cows What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life, and you're just starting back at your last checkpoint?
Always heard this on the playground growing up... Pete and Repeat were in a boat, but Pete fell out. Who was left?...
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS? A: When they aren't upright they're grand.
What did the uncircumcised man say during confession? Forgive me father fore I have skinned
Why did Samsung make the Galaxy Note 7 waterproof? It can't catch fire underwater... I think.
At last, I finally got around to watching the new episode of "Doctor Who" ... ... it was about time.
Dear Math, Grow up and solve your own problems.
I like my men like I like my grapes. Me:- I like my men like I like my grapes Friend:- Big and black? Me:- no, 16 at a time.
I thought I pocket dialed you... But it was just a clothes call.
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.
A recent survey showed that most UK citizens don't eat salad... 52% of them voted against romaine
Were you raised on a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock.
When's the improper fraction helpline open? 24/7
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Just sent my boss an email that said "Keep me coming" instead of "Keep 'em coming." So, that's fun.
Why do scuba divers always jump backwards off the boat? If they jumped forwards, they would still be on the boat! Sorry.
A black guy walks into a bar, with a parrot on his shoulder The bartender looks at him and says, "That thing is really cool! Where did you get it?" The parrot replies, "Detroit"
Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his wife are separating after 20 years of marriage due to their busy work schedules and him being a maid raper.
Whats got wrinkles and hangs out your undies? Your granny
Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario: Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.
eyebro What did one eyebrow say to the other eyebrow when leaving? Eyebro. I will see myself out.
What are the first words Jared Fogle's girlfriend said to him? "Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, sir?"
The saddest joke you've ever heard. President Trump
What do you get when you mix clickbait and major disappointment?
2015 was an odd year It will all even out this year though
I'll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex. Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you What is a picnic? Correct!
Is it okay to hate a certain race? I can run a 5k pretty well but these 10ks are killing me.
"You run like you're making fun of running." -my brother
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
When people say "You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!" I'm like: Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Unemployed goal day 37: slide across random car hoods action movie style. And then run like someone is chasing me.
CVS clerk: Receipt? Me: Sure *God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*
Scott Eastwood says Ashton Kutcher slept with his girlfriend when they dated. I didn't know the Scott Eastwood and Ashton Kutcher had dated?
Why was Hitler late to his meeting? He couldn't HEIL a cab.
Have you heard this joke of a snake walking into a bar? Well not heard, but I have reddit.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
What cheese is not yours? Not your cheese....
What do you call a guy who peeps his peeps? A homeboyeur.
I laid my tired head down on my pillow & saw the most terrifying thing I could possibly imagine: My phone. On my dresser. Across the room.
Adult: If it ain't broke don't fix it Child: If it ain't breakable, not interested
Fun fact about the Saxophone: I'm lonely
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cindy ! Cindy who ? Cindy next one in please !
What do you call a hockey line with Connor McDavid, Taylor Hall, and Nail Yakupov? The Lottery Line
If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.
I love when football players put their t-shirts over their shoulder pads because they look like business women from the 80s.
Flossed for the first time in a long time. .... I don't remember eating all that blood, but a lot got stuck in there.
Did you hear about the owl coup? They were in cahoots.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised "Oh, out loud?" right at the end.
HR: Me: HR: Me: HR: "..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane's forehead..." Me: HR: Me: "..it was the last twizzler" HR: Me: HR: Me: *eats twizzler*
What's it called when an oil rig makes an inappropriate joke? Crude humor.
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho Cheese.
Bad grammar makes me [sic]
So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian... Whoops, wrong sub.
A mathematician and a statistician wrote a cook book together. It was called "Pi A LA Mode".
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Kleptomaniac Barbie ...doll with suction cup hands
Did you hear the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old!
I'm beginning to think some of you are not your Avi's, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Buddha: all life is suffering Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Q: How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? A: Step one: Open the door. Step two: Put the elephant in. Step three: Close the door.
POOL FOR DJS Q: Why can't DJs play pool? A: They always scratch.
Why did Kevin's Ice cream fall down? Because he was hit by a truck
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I'm drunk?
They should roast Tom Cruise sometime... Call it the Cruise-ifixion
What's the difference between virgin olive oil and extra virgin olive oil? *thick Italian accent* "She don't even touch it."
I'm pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, 'I'll take a number two', multiple times so she could laugh at me.
A guy who doesn't believe in global warming is swimming in Egypt... He's in de-nile
Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.
When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER."
Sex so good, you get out of bed to see which neighbor is having it.
Dear girls who take a picture in slutty clothing and glasses & label the caption "Geek lol" You're not a geek, you're a  whore who found glasses
If my house was on fire and I could only save one thing I would save my Bible So I could burn it myself
I recently took a hepatitis test... I kicked ass, too. I got two As, a B, and a C!
Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes? 'Cause all their pants are half-off
Someone threw NaCl at me That's a salt
It's been discovered that protons have mass. Which is odd because I didn't even know they are Catholic.
A Smart Liberal
What's the difference between water and gasoline? In Flint Michigan you can get gasoline that is unleaded.
What's the difference between a flatfish and a good woman? The fish doesn't know it's plaice.
What did the horse order at the bar? Chardaneiiiiiiggghhhhh
People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..
"Hey Arnold Schwarzenegger, what will you be for Halloween?" "I'll be bach"
Q:Why did the banana walk out of the movie theater? A:the film didn't appeal to him.
What's the difference between Catholics and Protestants? Protestants have sects.
My wife put on her panty hose backward... So I chewed her ass out.
Which fairy tale character would be most likely to be shot by the police? An un-armed gingerbread man
Playing Counter-Strike at an Airport in Belgium "Terrorists win."
Why is someone who borrows money but does not  pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
Why did the local university invite a foreign chemist? Florine talent.
What's funnier than a crying baby? A dead baby.
How much does it cost for a pirate to get an ear piercing? A buccaneer.
What do you get when you give a head of lettuce to an epileptic? A seizure salad.
I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.
How is a Trump campaign chief like a vibrator? Both are charged with battery.
why did Adele cross the street? To say hello...from the other side
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, "Like you mean it."
Two men walk into a bar.. The other man ducks.
Before my father kicked the bucket he asked me the most profound question... He said "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I can't find a reason to vote for the (D) or (R) candidate for President, and now Libertarian Gary Johnson's campaign slogan, 'Feel the Johnson' just rubs me the wrong way.
What does Sean Connery do with his quiche? He opensh hish doorsh with them.
How do you know if a hippie was at your house? He's still there.
There was that one time when i screw up my joke. Uh oh Spaghettios.
It starts with.... Her sinking into your arms And it ends with her arms into your sink
A scientist walked into a room that was -273C Don't worry though, he was 0K
I was reading a book on animal... Thats when i saw all the rampages!
It'd be fun to watch screaming monkeys throw poop at each other today, but it's too cold in DC for the zoo. And Congress is out of session.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
I'm starting to forget how the alphabet goes... ABCDEFGHIJKLMFAO....
Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand but there were 2! Mighty pleased.
I got an STD from a Canadian woman Hepatitis eh.
Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks? A: So  his feet wouldn't fall asleep.
Why can't you hear a dog whistle? Because they have a hard time puckering their lips the right way.
What do Jewish people drink after they spray tan? Orange Jews.
Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked "what would you like to do most to my body?""identify it" probably wasnt the right answer
[At a 5 star restaurant] *gestures at entire menu* Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
How Much Food did Soviet Ukraine Need in the Early 1930s? A whole-lot-more
How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb One hooker at a minimum. However the light bulb must be big enough for two people to fit inside
Buzz Aldrin was the second man to step foot on the moon. Neil before him. Neil.
I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam. 2B or not 2B - that is the question.
A crossfitter, a vegan, an atheist, and a Redditor who always exposes reposts are all sitting at a bar... and I know this because they won't shut up about it.
Boss: I've been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise *everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Two belts walk into a bar one was already waisted.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
50 cent is so broke I bet two of him couldn't even make a dollar.
If I say I love you, don't read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
What do you call someone with down syndrome who is very depressed? Down
Want to know how to stop the "Not My President" Riots? Play the National Anthem and they'll all kneel.
It must be hard to send Barack Obama a Thank You card without sounding sarcastic.
What do you call? What do you call 'nuts on a chest'? chestnuts. What do you call 'nuts on a wall'? walnuts. What do you call 'nuts on a chin'? .... A dick in your mouth.
I hate it when people ask me what i'll be doing in 5 years time C'mon!! I don't have 2020 vision
I stole my friend's kidneys one night he'd be pissed, but he can't
Don't commit suicide, that's how people get killed.
TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit
I'll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
What does A&amp;W stand for? 'Amburgers &amp; Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy After all he did kill Hitler. Then again... He killed the guy who killed Hitler.
A man knighted for how he stood while ejaculating Sircumstance
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they'll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Since everyone is writing a poem, here is mine to do is to be to be is to do to do is to be to be is to do I know I'm not a great poet, but I've been told this is very "Scooby do be do"
'So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?' 'Oh. I never fell in, I was p- *sees Lassie do cut throat motion* -was jumping in.'
The name Pavlov rings a bell.
I want to create something so good that everyone hates it a week later.
I thought Los Angeles seemed unusually hot, but turned out the devil is Canadian. "Welcome to Hell, aye."
Frederick Fox, hatmaker for the British Royalty, died today. He was one in a milliner.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called".
CHILLING WITH ESKIMOS Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice? A. Polaroids.
Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT? Me: no, it says "worked it" I: worked what? [disco ball drops] [rips off pants] Me: "it"
If Donald Trump named his scrotum would it be called Goldman Sachs?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis. ME: Yep. ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
In a world full of lefts Nothing would be right.
Mom: What are you hiding in there? -nuthin [Vin Diesel noises from closet] M: Is Vin Diesel in there? -...yes Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
What do you call a complaining adult? A groan up!
I lost my thesaurus when I was little... I couldn't find the words to describe how I felt.
The past, the present, and the future got into a fight It was tense
Did you hear about the cannibal lion? He swallowed his pride.
I can't afford Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, so I bought the generic brand... They're MEH!
What do you get when you cross a lima bean with a Soviet? A Lenintil...
Whenever someone says to me "Please make yourself at home" I remove all my clothes and start masturbating
Why can't Mexicans play Uno? They'll steal all the green cards
4 women were working quietly on a project that's it
Redneck yoga. What did the redneck say to the yoga instructor when she asked him to leave the class? Nahimastay
How do you confuse a retard? Say "purple".
Happy Mother's Day to moms around the world !!! advanced aprils fools day guys!!!
What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains! ... I'll show myself out...
Give A Man A Fish Give a man a fish and he'll say, "This is incorrect; I ordered a Big Mac". Teach a man how to fish and he'll say, "What the fuck kind of McDonald's is this, anyway?"
My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car and she wanted me to drive -The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
What happened to the car-salesman who was spamming in r/Germany? He got autobahned
In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way.
Can you get HIV off a toilete seat? Only if it's already in use
My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.
Did you hear about the Afghan Rastafarian? He was stoned.
If a plane from California crashes in a cemetery in Montana where are the survivors buried?
Why do conservatives want everyone to own a gun? They have to justify killings blacks somehow.
An eight-year-old kid says t his dad "When I grow up I want to be a musician." The dad says "I am sorry -- can't have it both ways."
Traffic in every Florida city is crazy! Drivers are maniacs! Saturday afternoon there was a taxi driver who had to pull out to avoid a kid. .... .... ... He fell off the sofa.
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because... Windows 7 8 9.
"I'm liking where this is going" I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
What are some of the perks of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus.
I'm not rich like Jack don't have a mansion  like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too but what was that you said about Martin !
The chicks better be hot on this Mayan calendar.
The three biggest lies in Wyoming... "I won this belt buckle in a rodeo, my trucks paid for and I was just helping that sheep over the fence."
That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.
She won't admit she's obsessed with Instagram... But her kids' names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.
A ship full of red paint crashes into a island... The sailors were marooned.
I like my coffee how I like my women... So hot that it hurts when it touches my crotch.
What's black and rhymes with 'snoop' Dr. Dre
what is harry Potter's favorite ice breaker? Scar Stories.
Did you hear about the new Indian version of Oliver Twist? "Please, can I have samosa?"
What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral.
What is a chefs weapon of choice? A salt rifle
The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.
What's Steve Irwin's least favorite movie? *Ray* (Sorry... Too soon)
George W Bush looked exactly like a chimpanzee, and Michelle Obama has the face of a gorilla... The White House should be the name of the monkey exhibit at the Washington DC Zoo!
You know when you're peeing with a boner... It's really hard.
A couple was married on top of Mt Everest in 2005 Their marriage really went downhill after that
The reality is that a lot of girls out there just aren't prepared for a nice, decent guy.
Just did my holiday shopping. I've got so many shorts now; I'm swimming in them!
The Feds say that marijuana has no accepted medical use, overlooking how it could help 20 million unemployed Americans not give a shit.
Why did the condom fly across the room? He was pissed off!
Jokes about cats freak meowt Seriously, I'm not kitten.
A man approached Bernard on the street.. Bernard was strollin' down the street when a man approached him asking "Which is the quickest way to reach the hospital?" Bernard pushed him under a truck...
I have a tendency to run around naked... So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking.
My cat cares about me. LOLZ that's the joke.
Girl, are you the New Deal? Because I can feel my infrastructure expanding.
If you fail to take over a government... You've really screwed the [putsch.](http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/putsch?s=ts)
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens. - E.T. (1982) PG
Apparently Burger King will be giving away free whoppers on October 13th to Special Olympians I'd be downs for that
Goodnight sweet prince
Whats a Neckbeard's favorite city in Spain? M'drid
A man walks into a bar ... and stays there my entire childhood.
{Stalker Diary} I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
If you ate a tart, never eat another one. Trust me, you don't want to me retarted.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don't look happy.
Bob the Builder sacked! The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.. They say they can no longer trust any children's Tv star who claims to be able to fix it!!
Men are like roses. But watch out for the pricks.
What happens when you eat burgers with onions? Bunions. (written by my 25 year old girlfriend)
What do you call a Jewish vagina? The Labia menorah.
I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.
If your parachute doesn't deploy... You have the rest of your life to fix it.
What do anniversaries, toilets and the clitoris have in common? According to women, men usually miss all three.
Turtles think tortoises are pretentious as hell.
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ A gift for all redditors. It's called The Alphabet. You can use as much of it as you want, as many times as you want so that you will write in complete fucking sentenc
What was left in the bathroom on the starship Enterprise? The Captain's Log.
Me: I couldn't eat another thing. Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
What's the worst part of a Ukrainian gas station? When you see the tongue drag across your windshield.
I'm getting restraining orders against all the cops so I can do anything I want
When is it okay to kick a midget in the balls? ...When he tells you that your wife's hair smells good.
My wife complained that I don't give her flowers anymore. I replied that she doesn't give me blow jobs anymore.
Why do black people like fried chicken? Because its delicious.
The grass is always greener When its not my weed
Hundreds of women are battered in the US every day And all this time I've just been eating them raw...
Apologies to Rudyard Kipling but . . . If you can keep your head when all about you  are losing theirs. . . . maybe you don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What book do conservative casino workers love? Trump: The Art of the DEAL
A boss is like a customer in a restaurant. He wants the best food to be served. But when it comes to cooking his own food, he can even eat his own shit.
What happened to the egg and his girlfriend? They broke up.
Some bought Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
I'm bored I think I'll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
What do songwriters do after they die? They decompose
How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women? Shaven, not furred
Is it all black people that have a problem with slavery? Or just mine ?
How does a women make you a millionaire? You start as a billionaire
Why does the boss put clocks under employee's desk? Because he wanted them to work over-time~
Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao [User was banned for this post]
How can you tell who the head doctor is? They're the one with the dirtiest knees
The only thing standing between me and greatness, is millions of people who are more talented and want it more.
My dog, Mitten, ate two shuttlecocks this morning. "*Bad* Mitten!"
How do you get a man in a coma hard? Lick his Comatoes
I can't believe this couple has been together for 22 years. DEEZ NUTS.
A good surprise is like an invisible penis... ... you never see it coming.
I found out something today. You should always stay happy because 'sad' spelled backwards is das. Andd.... das not good.
They say nothing in life that's worth having comes easily. Guess I'm really lucky to have my wife.
A man walks into a bar.... and says ouch!
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...
Be nice to someone for no reason. You never know when you're going to need someone to be nice to you for no reason."
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Have you guys tried McDonald's new Premium McWrap? So much better than the Budget McWrap, which is a dead mouse in a cabbage leaf.
You know the best thing about penis jokes? On average they are not that long.
A prostitute runs out of a chicken coop and says ... "Well, that's the last time I do *that* for two cocks!"
..which is why I start my sentences in the middle.
What did one gay man say to another gay man at the bar? May I push in your stool
"Can you believe I got something decent at a piece of shit store like Sears?" - every Sears commercial
What do you call a magician in a Dr. Seuss book? Who-dini
Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don't actually believe in fossils
Why did Kobe Bryant go to New Jersey after he got arrested? Because he needed one.
We everyone, I wish a of you ovey people a happy christmas, ive ife to the fu est, and make merry with a your fami ies. crap sorry, noel.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I'm developing a new sport that involves a ball, shotput, discus, and javelins. I'm calling it a game of throwns.
What's your favorite word? 5-Year-Old: Empathy! I don't even know what it means! Me- I know how you feel.
If Jack helped you off the horse.. Would you help Jack off the horse?
"PARKOUR!" - me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Made in ....... In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.
I will never forget what my grandad said just before he kicked the bucket. He looked me dead in the eye and said. "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Me: "I really like this car" Salesman: "Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!" Me: "Eh, what else ya got?"
What do you call a Frenchman with eleven penises? Jean Cocteau
What did one shark say to the other? These Malaysia Airline meals aren't bad.
What did one boob say to the other? You're my breast friend. We have had so many mammaries together.
what did the gay bull say? more cowball!
Why is French body armour so cheap? They only need it for their back
A philosopher asked, "what's worse, ignorance or apathy?" The pupil replied, " I don't know, and I don't care!"
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
What kind of bees make the best milk? Boo Bees!
Why can't witches have babies? Because their husbands have hollow-weenies.
I lost fifty pounds... Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
What's the speed limit of sex? 68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.
What's a dentists favorite time of day? Tooth-Hurty
Right about now, Sarah Palin is sipping coffee and picking her next factually incorrect thing to say. And Glenn Beck is chasing a squirrel.
Why don't people hang out with the mushroom? He isn't a fungi.
The zookeeper said he'd tell me where the bathroom is located if I can say the alphabet. "A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z" He asks: "where's the D?" "It's out for Harambe"
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *(choking sounds)*
Every day, for the last two years, I've been putting something aside for a rainy day... ... But what am I going to do with 500 umbrellas and 200 pairs of wellies?
How does a Russian count '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...'? 1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP... I^will^see^myself^out
Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver... the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it.
"They say children learn by example, even for potty training." -I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[calls work] I'm sorry I can't come into work today "is everything alright?" [getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I know Blatters are usually full of pee... but Sepp Blatter is full of shit.
Q: What is the last thing a tossed salad says to itself before being devoured by a human? A: Lettuce pray
I always read r/creepy when i poop It scares the shit outa me...
My self esteem is so low.... The other night my hand told me that it had a headache.
I would rather wander around a store for 9 hours than ask an employee where something is and this I do not understand
[OC] I invented a word: plagiarism.
Why did the viper viper nose ? Because the adder adder hankerchief !
You know who's a real motherfucker? Oedipus
Remember, Kids... If you can't say anything nice, well, it's probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances... Well, she's in for a shock.
"I can't believe you slept with her!" "Well, we were both drunk, and..." "But I thought you don't drink?" "It's true, but she was drunk enough for the both of us."
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
why are terrorists so popular at parties? Because They're the bomb
What is the most common disease for lettuce? Icebergers
This girl was banging on my door all night Eventually i had to let her out.
What is a ducks favorite snack? Quackers.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we're going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil!
Why is african education so behind? Because instead of learning their abcs they learn their stds
Joke Yo momma so fat when she goes to the grocery store she brings a battery charger.
It's really too bad that Magic Johnson played in an era in which the hilarity of his nickname was so underappreciated.
Thank God I wasn't on twitter when I was in college. It would've taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Words to live by What doesn't kill you, isn't in Australia
What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her? You're getting too wrapped up in your work!
Coworker: crazy weather we're having Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook.
The strip club around the corner got its liquor license revoked. I'll still go there for breakfast, but I'll have to order the regular OJ.
Two flies were sitting on a piece of poo. One farted. The other said 'do you mind? I'm eating.'
If a gang attacks U say you're on their side & U brought them "gang supplies". They'll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
people used to make fun of me in high school but who's making fun of me now?? that's right bud, thousands of strangers on the world wide web
5 years ago today, I quit drinking And 4 years, 364 days, and 12 hours ago today, I started again
So I asked my Doctor, "Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa?" He said, "I don't know, he has two more years in office."
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He lay awake nights wondering if there was a dog.
I used to think I had bad taste, but then I met my girlfriend and now I know what someone with bad taste really looks like.
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
Hey, do you like wind? No. I'm not a fan.
I was diagnosed with erectile dysfunction recently But I'm staying positive because I know it's not going to make life any harder
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh
What do you call five African-Americans born together? Triplets.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf] 10yo: When did this come out? Me: Hmm...'82? 10: 19 or 18? Me:...
Ambidextrous baseball players... Swing both ways
Why should Donald Trump be grateful to Mexicans? The power of belief in chupacabras is all that keeps his hair in this world.
What's a golfer's favourite song? Fairway to Heaven
H: "Whatcha doing?" Me: "Going on twitter to hang out." H: "Twitter is an app, not a place." Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"
Why shouldn't you play American football with feminists? Because they'll constantly shift the goal posts.
"911? Help, my house is burning down!" "Sir, we're sending the fire brigade right now." "I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON'T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT."
Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders? Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee
If you are a woman/man looking for a funny and nice partner... Don't look in this subreddit :D (sorry)
When is it time to bury the baby that you killed? When it starts talking to you again.
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get their tiny legs apart?
What's up? Some movie about an old guy and balloons.
Me: Do not 'K' me again. Daughter: Que Me: In any language. Her: Si This is why I'm crazy.
I wish to die peaceful and in sleep like my grandfather and not screaming and afraid like passengers in his bus.
How many spoiled rich girls does it take... ...to change a light bulb? Just one, she yells, "DAAAAADDY, I need a new house!"
I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.
4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Really threw me off This kid started throwing out words that started with TH. I got through this, there, and they but I didn't see that coming.
"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?
I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about this
What sea creature is regularly featured in The Walking Dead? CORAL
My cat should run for President. When she gets excited she flip-flops all over the place.
Why couldn't Edward leave the Airport? Because he was Snowden...
Russian women must be horny... Even their president's name is PUT IN.
"Don't knock it till you tried it!" Doesn't help your defence in court.
German for 'constipated'. farfrompoopin
Why does ISIS only drink drip coffee? Because they hate French Press!
Husband wanted me to go hunting today. He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels.
LESBIANS' FLOORING Q. Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor? A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.
You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.
Hey girl, are you a compressed file? 'cause I wanna unzip you and open you up.
What was the currency of the Trade Republic of Venice? Dogecoin.
Statistics show that 1 in every 10 people, is gay.... ... So that means, out of the 10 guys' cocks I've sucked, one of them had to be gay.
I tried to join a local gang of thieves that were stealing supplies from Chinese restaurants in town. I don't think I made the cut though. They told me to go take a walk.
Did you hear about the kid who brought a home made watch to school? He had a real bad time...
Homesick Husband talking to his wife: Honey im Homesick Wife: What do you mean you are home Husband: I know, Im sick of it.
Contrary to popular belief, the best lubricant for anal sex is not tears. It's blood
What Do You Call A Masterbating Cow? Beef Stroganoff!
What's the difference between a taliban outpost and an Afghani Elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drones
Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you... Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)
[Interrogation room] Good cop: "Confess and we will go easy on you" Sweet tooth cop: "You bes- *hears music* -ICE CREAM MAN!" *runs outside*
[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month] "Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?" ME: uh oh
What did one Spanish speaking white supremacist say to the other Spanish speaking white supremacist after eating a piece of delicious cake? Que queque!
What's the difference between love and lust? "About two-hundred dollars." - Johnny Carson
[Religon] What's black and religous? The jews after hitler godammit how 2 spell religeone?!?!?!?!?
Where do Grape Nuts come from? Boy grapes.
What happened to the man running in front of the car? He got tired. What happened to the man running behind the car? He got exhausted.
Q: Did you hear about the robbery at the flower shop? A: It was a violet crime.
Three guys walk into a bar You'd think one of them would've seen it
What did the liberal say to the chicken? Nothing. He's dead. He was shot and killed in a home invasion and did not have any guns to defend himself. Sarah Palin 2016
Say what you want about suicide jumpers. I think they used all of their potential.
You seriously don't want hear my next Fibonacci joke. It's as bad as the previous two combined.
Wife: There's a spider in the kids' bedroom Me: I'll take care of it *raises spider like one of my own* *has a little cry when it graduates*
Do you know; what is the best thing to put on a delicious cake? Your MOUTH!
Why did the restaurant fire the pansexual? Because he kept fucking the cookware.
soup really pisses me off so i boiled all these soup ingredients in water to destroy them ah crap
Jesus Joke Who killed Jesus and then said "Aaaar, Matey"? Pontius Pirate
What is a toilet in Ancient Mexico? Aztec.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Two baby seals walk into a club
why can't coffee conduct electricity? because it is grounded
What did the mad cow say to the other cow? You don't want beef with me
From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette? Your camera.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Why do the Vietnamese never eat fruits? Because they had a bad experience with oranges.
What does your mom and a truck have in common. They both carry a wide load.
Him: God you smell good, what is that? Me: chicken nuggets
What a gay spermatozoide says to an other gay sermatozoide ? Damn dude i can't See anything through all That Shit.
I was approached on the street the other day by a young escort. Couldn't have been older than 13. I was absolutely appalled... ...by her prices. Way more than I usually pay!
the kidz bop version of gangnam style plays 24hrs a day in hell. do you accept jesus christ as your lord and saviour?
"Life isn't fair!" is an ironclad excuse for treating people like crap.
I'm really good at making women laugh out loud When they see me naked for the first time...
One vampire to the other : " Let's go and have a drink.I know a cosy little mortuary just round the corner"!
What do you call a Batman that skips church? Christian Bale
Did you hear about that guy who was crushed by his Honda? Police say he died of his own Accord.
Where's Eritrea? Up Djibouti!
Why is Santa always so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
What did Hitler say when he didn't receive enough change from the cashier? "This is neinsense!!"
What do you call a Vietnamese wedding? A Win-Win situation.
How does Santa make new baby reindeer? In vitro, in Prancer, in Dancer, in Vixen.
Went out for a jog today Thought I heard someone clapping for me. Turns out it was just my fat thighs.
Why is Donald Trump such a surprise? People did Nazi him coming.
A flying insect exploded in my kitchen ... it must of been a jihaddy longlegs.
How do you know you have a high sperm count? She's got to chew before swallowing.
A man walks into a bar... OUCH!!!!
Three cheers for rap music. Hip hop... \- Tim Vine
What did the ghost say on December 25th? Scary Christmas!
How many Latinos does it take to do a wax job? A Brazillion!
I hear the FDA just approved Bill Cosby.... Common side effects include drowsiness, loss of memory, taste of penis, and in rare cases, sore genitals.
Opinions are like assholes... Fuck em
I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring this morning. I dyed a little inside.
Why can't Saudi woman drive? There's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.
Bruce Jenner just said in his press conference that he is moving to London. When asked why, he said... ...he has always wanted to live abroad.
One day I'll make a cure for blindness. You'll see, you'll ALL see!
Y'know, a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided with a little foresight by the city planners. All they had to do was make that town big enough for the two of them.
I tried to copy a philosophical pun but I kant
Why are people supporting Donald Trump? Because he has what plants crave; electrolytes.
I'm thinking of becoming a yoga instructor... but I know know how I'm going to support myself.
I've just made a perfume from holy water... Eau my God
Why is Microsoft coming out with a windows 10 instead of 9? Because 7 8 9
If Trump wins on Nov. 8th.... will his wife be called "The Third Lady"?
Q: What is the best way to speak to a ghoul? A: From a long ways away.
A boy and his mother passed a cemetery. The boy saw a gravestone read 'Here lies an honest lawyer'. He said to his mother "I thought Gandhi was cremated."
Why did the porn star end up in the E.R.? One too many blows to the head. My only original joke. I'll see myself out.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.
I've kept my New Year's resolutions. 1680x1050 and 1280x800.
Liam Neeson's wife asks him to do some household chores Taken: Out the Garbage
It sounds like the dog's nails need trimming. Either that or she's off in the distance, typing, "It was a dark and stormy night."
Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night? Wild Twerky!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell :(
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn't feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW] [www.9gag.com](http://9gag.com)
I'm currently on two different diets Because with just one I'm always hungry
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can't afford another malpractice suit.
what do you call a mexican who lost his car? carlos
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
What did the dyslexic chemist do? He drank H20, too!
What does spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have either as a child you are unlikely to enjoy it as an adult.
To the guy who just followed me with "Conservative, God-loving, pro-life" in his bio... are you sure you want to do this?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she's gonna be pissed.
You know how birds fly in a V and sometimes one side is longer than the other? You know why that is? It's because there are more birds on that side.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Why did the salmon cross the road? To get to the front page
A Rabbi, a lawyer, and a Priest are on a sinking ship. The Rabbi says, "Save the children!" The lawyer says "Fuck the children!" ... The Priest says, "Do we have time?"
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all "Holy shit these people have families"
When I was a kid... 'Too cool for school' meant the boiler had broken and we were all sent home.
What do a woman and a grenade have in common? Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant hill Dead ant dead ant Dead ant Dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaaant
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing? Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj. Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Barry ! Barry who ? Barry the dead !
I am a bit disappointed by the slow cooker I got for Christmas I was hoping for a fast maid
Why did the pedophile get a job at the bakery? because he likes his buns fresh from the oven.
Why did the sun wear sunglasses? To protect himself from UV Rays
Mr. T went to the toilet I pity the stool
What's the definition of irony? An incongruity between expectation and result.
Every 3 seconds, a girl with a pink cell phone case uses the wrong "your."
Why was 110 afraid of 111? Because 111 1000 1001
What do gay midgets have that other gays don't? (OC) Clean knees
Why does Oregon Ducks need such big suitcases? Because they Pac-12 of everything
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable
A Toledo man was admitted to the city hospital last night with severe burns after dunking for French fries at a Halloween party.
If it wasn't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
For a week I've been telling my kid "If your cough isn't better tomorrow, you're going to the doctor!" and it finally worked. (She died.)
Little Mary was living in Japan during the 1940s. Then one day, the Americans dropped an atomic bomb on the city she was living in. Where did she go after the explosion? Everywhere.
Father: You were absent on the day of the test? Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it. Grounds for divorce.
Have you heard that joke about pussy? I would tell it, but I don't get it.
Why did the arena get hot after the game? All of the fans left
What's red, round and goes up and down, up and down? A tomato in an elevator
Disney is releasing an alternate version of its latest film for the Indian audience where Nemo's father starts looking for a bride for his son. It's called Finding Dowry.
If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, "Good Friday" would not have leaped to his mind.
[courtroom] Me: "I OBJECT YOUR HONOR" Judge: on what grounds? "LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO" Prosecutor: he's good Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
What was Hitler's least favorite drink? Juice
Q: Where do mentally unstable trees go? A: The insane a-xylem.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."
I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.
When I die I want my hand to be glued in a thumbs up, and my body lowered into molten steel.
My urologist told me I need to stop masturbating... I asked him why and he told me it's very innapropriate masturbate during a physical exam.
I've been reading the dictionary. Spoiler alert: "zyzzyva"!!
While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective defense against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?
TIFU Don't know why she legally changed her name to 'Up' though.
What do you call a Pediatrist speeding in Michigan Lead foot
I feel like not enough people know about the situation in Yemen It's like no one knows Houthis guys are.
The candidates keep appealing to "Hard Working Americans"... But what about the Reddit community?
What did the dad buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
What did the Hurricane say to the Palm tree? Hold onto your nuts this ain't going to be any ordinary Blow Job!!
Grandpa was a healthy 82 when he fell in a vat of lard. After that, he went downhill really fast...
Did you hear about the Alaska native that didn't like fish? Yeah, he just wasn't inuit.
Says she: "Say something soft and sweet" Says he: "Marshmallow."
If a geologist is in deep schist, it probably isn't very gneiss
Have you seen the documentary on Freddie Mercury's butthole? It's called "Under Pressure".
Life's like a box of chocolates It doesn't last very long for fat people.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot. Sorry.
As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his bottom.
If resting on one's laurels is like sitting on your butt and a "hardy" is a hard-on... Does that mean that the combination of Laurel and Hardy makes Dickbutt?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage. King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
What do colorblind people say to the unexpected? Well that came out of the purple
I wear my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible.
Knock knock. The game.
If you do not eat your candy corn in three separate bites, starting from the big yellow end to the small white end, I hate you.
Why do cows wear bells around there neck? Because there horns don't work. :)
My favorite thing to do with 4 midget hookers ...is have a threesome.
Can you guys believe it's already Lexus December To Remember Sales Event time again?
sometimes i literally would stop replying to someone for a whole hour because i be googling a very specific reaction gif for the convo
Why does /r/fencing suck so bad? Half of it is ripostes
What do you say when your TV is floating in the night? "Drop it, nigga."
Looks like the Indian bakery nearby is going through some tough times... ... I've just heard they've fired all Naan-essential staff.
Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted
Best part of Twenty Sever year olds. Theres twenty of them.
Why doesn't the gastroenterologist have any friends? He's always talking shit.
I'm not racist, my best friend is gay.
You call comcast and end up speaking to apu in India, how do your problems get fixed? When they transfer you to steve.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That's what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
What is a pirates favourite material? Yarrrn
When Michael Jackson's son was born, he asked the doctor, "How soon can we have sex?" The doctor replied, "At least wait till he's 13."
Why did the piglets do badly in school?  They were all slow loiners.
Hi, I'm hosting a charity disco & raffle next Saturday 29nd September, to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come let me know.
Optimist- The glass is half full Pessimist- The glass is half empty Engineer- The glass is twice the size it needs to be. College Student- I can't afford the glass.
A sadist and a masochist are talking. The masochist says, "Hit me!" The sadist says, "No."
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you out?
Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race
Why do priests wear underwear in the shower? They don't like to look down on the unemployed
I know a guy who loves mushrooms.. ...He's a real fun guy!
The theme song for my sex life is "With or Without You."
How do you get four old ladies to yell "SHIT!" Get a fifth old lady to yell "BINGO!"
I own the world only talking dog... but he only talks about outer layers of trees.
Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony.
Almost Instant Joy Find any Fast Song (Rap to Electro) Click Settings, Crank up the Speed 1.25: 1.5: Instant Twerk Music 2: The 2 is for 2Fast6You Only on Computers. RIP Phone Users
My coworker couldn't decide which grandparents should be her 2 children's legal guardians, so I said to split them up. Then you only have to decide who gets the top half, who gets the bottom.
How do you make an ugly kid? Go ask your mother Courtesy of a hot dog vendor in Atlanta
An Idiot boy held his breath for as long as he could. after about two minutes the boy fainted.
What do you call a rabbit in a beanie and listening to vinyl? A Hopster.
Do you know this new perfume called 'A Christmas Miracle? Well, on christmas eve, put a finger in your ass, &amp;nbsp; If it smells good it's a christmas miracle 
My friend lost his virginity to his teacher when he was only 13 years old. A pretty impressive feat, especially for someone who was homeschooled.
There was a baby boy born at the hospital without eyelids. So the doctors circumcised him and used his foreskin as eyelids. He's doing fine, he is just a little cockeyed
best sunscreen ever... Xbox 360
I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it
What's a cats favorite song? 3 blind mice
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. "Hey kid," he shouted. "Why don't you go outside and play?"
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail Me: let's take my car
What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant? Who cares? It's a relephant.
A friend asked me, Is there a black Greek god?.. Nike
I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me
I was asked to find the word "Impost" in the dictionary. it was next to impossible..
I bet cats think people wish they were cats.
reggae band i've just started playing triangle in a reggae band. i just stand there and ting.
So i picked up this girl the other night... And she was all like "Put me down!!!"
People with dysgraphia (inability to spell) also tend to answer arithmetical problems in an unpredictable, seemingly random matter. According to them, you can't spell "calculation" without "luck".
Where does a redditor get most of his news from? The Hydraulic Press
A quick thing I would like to say to the man who invented Zero... Thanks for nothing.
I used to be in a band called Missing Cat' You've probably seen our posters.
North Korea has finished nuking the South, and there was one man left alive. He was the Seoul survivor.
Trump's what you'd get if you poured a pot of glue, some glitter & a dog turd into your Build Your Own Hitler Kit and gave it a good shake.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way. Through the driver's door.
What is a Germans favorite letter? Any letter before the last. Because they're not 'z's
What do you call it when an author catches you off guard with innuendo? Surprise subtext.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
What's a pirate's favourite amino acid? Arrrginine
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.
Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover. YOU don't know.
My girlfriend said I didn't respect her freedom enough So I told her to stop rattling in her cage
Stinky Bathroom... Know why my bathroom doesn't stink? I exhaust fan the shit out of it.
Chicken what do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce... Chicken sees a salad
Hey! Need an ark! I noah a guy.
Put the punchline in the title How do you spoil a joke?
My wife just left me because i cant stop using double negatives. But in my opinion I haven't done nothing wrong.
How much coke can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men
I will not rest until I've finished this nap!
What's the difference ? What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went? There is no difference, you always regret both!
is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . . . . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My gf said all I do is sit on the couch in my underwear all day but that's bullshit, I've never been able to fit my underwear onto my couch.
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker's 60th birthday, 'cake' is not code for 'stripper.' Live & learn, guys.
Science fact! There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house. This is largely due to the antelope's powerful hind-legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.
TIFU by asking a chinese girl's number... I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
It's a dark stormy night. You're scared & alone. You hear a bump in the night. You jump! You scream! Then your cat comes in the house drunk.
Why were there balloons in the bathroom? There was a birthday potty.
What's the hardest thing about learning to ride  a horse? The ground!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I've seen other people come out.
Some of you keep touting donuts as the best breakfast food ..... But there are holes in your arguments.
Why did the football coach call his quarterback a hairdresser? Because he missed a split-end on a curl.
Why don't you buy sunscreen from Steve Irwin? Because it doesn't protect you from harmful rays
What did the slug say as he slipped  down the window very fast? How slime flies!
I went to a Jewish wedding, and spotted a red sign. It said, "In case of wedding, break glass"
Girlfriends are like screws... Except once you've loosened them, there's no way to tighten them back up.
Some naughty science shit. 63 earths can fit inside ur-anus.
The doctors were concerned... ..about my headaches, so they sent me for a brain scan. They found nothing. Still concerned, they gave me an IQ test. The results were negative.
You know why paedophiles don't play Skyrim? No lollygagging.
Why don't blacks celebrate thanksgiving? It's hard to be thankful when KFC is closed
Two fish are sitting in a a tank. One says to the other, "You get the guns. I'll drive."
A pirate walks into a bar The bar tender notices that he has a ships wheel sticking out of the front of his pants, he asks "doesn't that bother you". And the pirate says "arrrr it's drivin me nuts"
Trust me, I'm a liar. Lawyer, I meant lawyer.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I'm like a phoenix rising from molasses
Who was the chicken's favorite composer? Bach!
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? You suck its dick.
(Nsfw) what does a sex robot say when he's done with his task? Fuck off
Does size matter? Some women say size doesn't matter. Some even say that they prefer smaller ones. I think that they're just shallow.
My favorite from a Laffy Taffy wrapper: What do you call a twitching cow? Beef Jerky
How many Mexicans does it take to build a Holy Shit they're done!
Hey have you ever tried puppy love? Yeah but it doesn't work there assholes are too small.
What does Che Guevara call his house? Chez Guevara
What did the tectonic plate say when it had a collision? It's not my fault.
My first time doing standup was a lot like my first time having sex. I finished way too early and when it was over I couldn't stop apologizing.
Brain: he must study-how? *Hormones raise hand* H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life? B: *whispers* It's for his own good.
What is Reddit's favorite pirate? Neckbeard
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Juan.
What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers? The taste.
I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.
Job interview: - Good morning - Good morning - Have you got a twitter account? - Yes - Ok, thanks for your time. We'll get back to you
'Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ' lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down
I always thought I had a massive cock. Turned out to be an ostrich
JOSEPH: who did you name me after? ME: you were named after my grandfather GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Student: "May I go to the toilet?" Teacher: "What for?" Student: "To open the Chamber of Secrets"
Finding that one slob at the gym who's in worse shape than you is the best feeling. The worst is realizing "he" is a mirror.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree.
If only humans were more like me, smart and wise and- *I get surprised by the toast I forgot I was making*
"Do you think our lord and savior ever masturbated?" "Jesus fucking Christ..."
Why do circumcised men lack Jedi brethren? The procedure removes their force-kin.
My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. It's not a very good poem, but it's very deep.
When I was in my twenties we didn't have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
Trump for President.. or not What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black
I like my men like I like my mustard... spicy and brown. *spelling
Remember when Twitter used to be a service where I could post something like, "Hello, my name is Doctor Toilet" and get a bunch of retweets?
Joke 3 - What weighs 15,000 pounds and is cursed with a sleeping spell? Princess Aurorasaurus
Q: Two men drive into a car wash. Which one  is the Irishman? A: The one on the motorbike.
How did Cosby fuck up his phone? He put it on sleep mode
How to describe Mitt Romney in two sentences. I stand by what I said, whatever it is that I said. I deny saying that, whatever it is that I said.
Pavlov hears a bell ring... He says, "Aw! I forgot to feed the dogs again!"
Someone told me the first person you look at after something funny happens is the person you like the most... Good thing I always keep a mirror with me
What do you call it when you smoke weed and work out at the same time? Getting all high and mighty
Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed? Because he is lying.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
Why can't the incredible hulk find a girlfriend? Because all the girls know he just wants to smash
Where is an elephant's sex organ? In his toes. If he steps on you, you're fucked.
I was wondering what my parents did without the internet and none of my 7 siblings could tell me
What does a traffic light tells to another traffic light? Dont look at me I'm changing
What's the good word? Legs. Spread the word!
Teacher Why did the teacher get glasses? Because she was having trouble with her pupils
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire. I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I decided to make a play about puns I'm going to call it "puns: a play on words"
An unconscious man arrives at a hospital... After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus. The doctors have declared his condition as "stable".
The Pink Panther's To Do List To do...To do...To do, to do, to do...To do, to doooo... Saw this on The Doghouse Diaries today and it made me laugh... Edit: Formatting
If a redhead works in a bakery... ...does that make him a gingerbread man?
What do you get when you put 50 Politicians in a room with 50 lesbians? 100 cunts that don't do dick.
[Skype] ME: Finally I see your face and wow. HIM: [naked] Where are you?! ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
What kind of peanuts get warts? Planters.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, "she has your eyes, can't wait for you to meet her" and then I sit back and wait.
"Sooth." -a soothsayer
You may like to add a tag to your YouTube video. That tag? Albert Einstein.
I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson. She said, "Your name is Brian." I said, "Right. But I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."
My Grandpa owned a hot dog chain in Germany... You might have heard of it..."Anne's Franks"
There's a strange new trend in my office... People have started naming food in the office fridge Today I ate a turkey sandwich called Kevin.
A Spaniard, an Irish man, and a Greek go into a brothel. Who pays? Germany
Did you hear Wells Fargo has a baseball team? They are really good at stealing homes.
What are two doctors with colds An ironic Paradox.
What's half of a tuba? A oneba.
I hate being bipolar, it's great
NEWSFLASH - Greece/Euro Announcement The EU has just announced that with immediate effect all Euro notes will be printed on Greece-proof paper
Before drinking an "energy drink", pause to consider this: How are you going to use that extra energy to better serve Christ?
Have you heard about the new Orphanage they're building in Baja Cali, Mexico? They're calling it 'No Mames'
Hey, did you hear they are opening a new bread store here in town? Just what we kneaded
What's the best way to pack a dead person in a cardboard box? Body centered cubic
When the smog clears over Los Angeles... ... U.C.L.A. I am not at all sorry for this joke. Edit: So at some point I went from 20 to 923 upvotes. I regret not checking this sooner.
Whats you favorite Christmas joke? I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!
How do you save a drowning black family? As a .jpg
Why did /u/JokeOverExplainBot cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Cookies from Best to Worst: 1. Chocolate chip 2. Girl Scout 3. Oreos ... ... 727. Browser 728. Tossed 729. Raisin
Just tried to massage a stressed worm but I did it too hard and now it's dead and arguably more stressed than before
Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive Scratching at her coffin
BARBER: would you like a hot towel? ME: buddy, I don't objectify towels
Two blondes walk into a building... Youd figure one of them would have noticed it.
Whole Foods mixed up the labels on regular & vegan chicken salads. Vegans became suspicious when they experienced a fleeting moment of joy.
What did the overweight ballet dancer perform ? The dance of the sugar plump fairy !
I was going to tell a dull pencil joke but it's pointless
What's red and smells like yellow paint? Red paint
How does Kendall Jenner celebrate Father's Day? She doesn't.
Why is Boromir such a hit at orgies? Because when he blows his horn everyone comes ;)
Mom mom! Is light edible? Because I just heard dad tell our neighbour to turn it off so he could shove it down her throat
I love conversations about palindromes You can always have a good back and forth.
What do you call having anal sex with a dick piercing? NSFW Prince Albert in a can
A movie ticket for baby should cost at least $50.
Mirror mirror on the wall, am I the fairest of them all? No, but you've got an amazing ass!
9 out of 10 dentists recommend crest pro health... The other one is killing a lion
Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said "Watch out for worms won't you!" The first one replied "Why should I? They can watch out for themselves."
Three infinite things Only three things are infinite: 1. Universe 2. Human stupidity 3. WinRar trial
I think Bran might actually know how to walk and is just faking it. He's always lying.
How can you tell that the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of *both* sides of his mouth.
Why does Mitt Romney never win at Jenga? Because he takes too much from the bottom and middle and gives it to the top.
Sometimes you have to end a relationship because of the way they chew.
9/11 Never Forget About Dre.
I am black and my son stole my wallet. I don't know If I'm proud or mad.
So there was a fish swimming up stream and it runs into a wall... And it was like "damn."
What a bad year... Still can't believe they changed the Instagram logo
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I threw some pills at my doctor I thought it would be a good idea to give him a taste of his own medicine
"Shelley's coming over." "Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?" *gets hit in the face with poop*
I'm classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Why did the prisoners switch to liquid soap in the shower? Because it's harder to pick up.
Two fish are in a tank... ...one says, "You shoot, I'll drive!"
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout? Oh... *reaches under mesh shirt* *takes off nipple ring* Better?
Doctor doctor I'm manic-depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Is it strange how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how strange it is?
Son, do we have any dop Ted? son: what's a "dop Ted"? dad: you are, you are adopted!! son: ... Nice one dad. dad: I'm not your dad. (Dad joke at its finest, credit: Kris Wilson)
Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!
What do you call a frozen swine lavatory? A pigloo I'll see myself out.
What happens when Kim Jong-un gets sick? He turns into Kim Jong-ill!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn't scowl. Cuz Botox.
How do Australians find sheep in the long grass? Irresistible...
My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor... She stayed over the weekend and I sent her a bill for $180,000.
people almost never ask me for man advice because 98% of it is "you should slash his tires"
Homophobia is a sacred union between a man and his bigotry.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party. I got, "Oh, you're still here?"
Never moon a werewolf
Im not saying I'm number one, uh sorry I lied I'm number one two three four and five.
Want to know how copper wire was invented? Two jews fighting over a penny.
What do you call someone who swings both ways? A child, it's a child on a swing you fuckin' sicko; get outta here
What did Kim say when she found an armpit hair in her margarine container? ... I can't believe it's not butt-hair
I was at a Pakistani owned gas station... There was some sort of problem with my debit card at the pump. I know this because a message popped up that said "PLEASE SEE KASHIR."
Did you hear about the all-leper boxing world championship final I hear it was a real face off in the second round
Went in for a prostate exam... I asked the doctor where I should put my pants. "Right over there with mine"...
What do you call a black detective? Sherlock Homie
Yo mommas so fat You can see her from more than 2 meters away in a hyperbolic plane.
I needed the loo, and only a wishing well was in sight. Well. Shit.
I played the word "mature" in a game of Scrabble. My friend played "immature" and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
What does a cow use to solve math problems? A *cow*culater. I made it up myself, so don't groan at the pun.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Button ! Button who ? Button in is not polite !
*trips a girl and catches her* Haha looks like you're falling for me *winks* *gets slapped*
[NSFW] What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common? They both get to smell it, but can't eat it.
Don't act like you're serious about getting laid if your outfit is less than 70% leather.
STAR WARS SPOILER! Darth Vader is Luke's father
I tried arguing with the Priests of Pi about religion... But they just kept relying on circular logic.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple will wait until puberty before it comes on a boy's face!
A Newfie walks into a doctor's office... And says "Doc b'y, I tinks I got dat H2N2 disease." Doctor replied "ummm...don't you mean H1N1?" Newfie says "No b'y, dis is twice as bad as dat!"
We could power our entire office with the wind produced from my constant sighing.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
ISIS and I have something in common... We both get head through the use of violence and terror...
I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke... He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!' But, I didn't get it :/
What does a can of tuna say? Premium flaked tuna Best before dd/mm/yy
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
Mexican version of Gingerbread Man I thought there was a Mexican version of the "Gingerbread Man" story. But it was a flan-fiction.
What do epidemiologists do? How about kinesiologists? Study epidemies....and kinesies.
When my girlfriend dumped me I spent 8 hours making a replica of her house and her on Sims, then burning it down. Easiest way to move on.
How do Jamaican's end their prayers? Ey mon.
I wrote on my stereo in marker that this is the loudest stereo of all time. I was stereotyping
How many skateboarders does it take to change a lightbulb? One...but it takes him 27 tries
What is a Pirate's favorite letter? U, for Unoriginal Joke.
The "Hows it Made" show of having kids Is called porn.
The Puritans were a bunch of stuck-up pricks. They had such a holier-than-thou attitude.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff ba dum tsssshhh
There are 3 types of people in the world Those who can count and can't count
What do you call a Mexican with no legs? Cuntswaylow.
It's so good for USA that Barack Obama is running the country Black people are good at running.
Wife texts husband 'Windows frozen', husband texts wife 'try bucket of warm water', wife texts husband 'computer not working at all now'
How often do Chinese people have elections? When they wake up every morning.
I'm tired of people dissin Arabs like wtf they don't all make bombs..... They make slurpees too.
Did you guys hear about the new business shopping center in Pepto County? They're calling it the Pepto Biz Mall
What's the difference between a woman and a bowl of ramen noodles? A bowl of ramen noodles is actually ready in 5 minutes.
For our first date, we'll dump a Crayola 64 box onto the floor, and put them back from worst to favorite.
How do Buddhist monks compare interests? With zen diagrams!
What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.
What's the plural of "Referendum"? Riots.
I bought a grandfather clock. It's like a regular clock but it keeps telling you that it's lived through three wars.
What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer ."
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when  the owner's living in it...
My signature sandwich is called "Hamnesia". I forget what's in it.
Girls are like internet domain names All the good ones are taken, so all we are left with are the strange foreign ones that nobody wants.
[phone w/ fiance] Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right? "As long as its black, why?" *wearing batsuit* No reason
Why do black people not go on cruises? They won't fall for that one again.
Waiter there's a dead fly in my soup! Yes sir it's the hot water that kills them.
I just sneezed so hard that I'm now two seconds in the future.
How can you tell what clan a Scottish man is from? Look under his kilt and if he has a quarter pounder then he is a McDonald.
Why did the monster drink ten liters of  antifreeze? So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
It's 364 days until christmas. And people already have their lights up!
What do ISIS and Little Miss Muffett have in common? They both have curds in their whey!
A mushroom walks into a bar... The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!!"
My teacher called me racist today.... So I told him " I am not racist because as we all know racism is a crime and crime is only done by black people."
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU! Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common? They both look good until they hit the ice.
I don't attend funerals, even if I was close with the deceased. I'm just not a mourning person.
What's the difference between a dragon and a cheap hooker? One of them blows fire.
How are a punchline and a dick similar? they only bring a smile if used properly.
Why did they have to put Michael Jackson down? Because he couldn't race anymore!
My friend took my mood ring without my permission. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Energizing breakfast smoothie: 1. 2 cups chopped kale 2. 1 ripe banana 3. 1/8 tsp flax oil 4. 1/2 cup coconut water 5. 3 grams of cocaine
If by 'paleontologist' you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
We all know the old saying "I named my dick 'The Truth' cause bitches can't handle it..." I call mine "The Plea Bargain" cause ladies only take it as a last resort.
A Man Walks Into a Bar... Its sad how is alcohol dependency is destroying his family
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaayyyyy! Sounds better with a stereotypical SOA biker voice. I'll show myself out.
how to hot dogs: 1) "read" hot dogs instructions 2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink 3) add 1 piece of ketchup 4( drink
A man goes to the zoo and the only animal there is a dog, It's a shitzu.
Im so fucked up i wrote 3 tweets into my phone and texted them to the Hurricane Katrina fund.
Not realizing today's date, I just made a Pearl Harbor joke to someone... Needless to say, it bombed.
I asked my dad about music these days He said it's all about the junk in the truck so you better shake that butt.
Is your refrigerator running? Good, mine too. See you at the refrigerator race tomorrow.
Why did Windows skip 9? Because 7 ate 9.
What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach? The volleyball net.
Childhood obesity is on the rise and so is underage sex.. What I want to know is who's fucking all these fat kids.
Why don't blind people like skydiving? It scares the crap out of the dog.
What do you call a spoiled cow? Chunky
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I'm trying to read on the train but it's hard because people keep applauding & screaming "You are the train's smartest boy!" at me
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
As Freud said "Who cites, needs sex"
What is another difference between a circus and a whorehouse? My husband doesn't go to the circus
Why did Faraday shop at the discount bird cage store? Because of their great buy one, get one free of charge deals.
One thing I've learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears. Or I need new glasses. Again.
Why Sachin Tendulkar never sweat? Because he has huge fans!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
"Bitches always be conforming to unhealthy standards set and perpetuated by the media." - socially conscious rapper
What is the difference between a Mother and Wife? One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
Pinocchio boarded a bus in Rome. The bus was full of priests, except for one seat. Pinocchio took the seat and said" Thank god I'm not a real boy!!"
What do you call a graduated spider? A Web Designer
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer The first one says to the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?" The other one says, "No."
"I want u so badly" - Scrabble players with a q in their rack.
What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a child molester? Alien Vs. Predator
Excuse me, here's your nose. I found it in my business.
An Indian Chief drinks 1,000 gallons of ice tea He drowned in his own tepee
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
My cat hasn't used the litter box in days. I have no idea where, or if, he's been pooping. I guess I have some shit to figure out.
What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow? A stern letter from the ethics committee and an immediate cessation of funding. *stolen from I Fucking Love Science
Where does Christopher Walken like to smoke cigars? A Walken humidor.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
What's the best benefit of working for ISIS? early retirement
*in the back of a police car* can ya'll hand me the aux cord?
What do Donald Trump and his chromosomes have in common? There is one too many of them.
The color of our skin was never important. We all are equal. unless you are orange from that self tan cream. Then we don't speak with you
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because 7 8 9.
Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
Do you ever have to fart But end up shitting in your sisters mouth?
Stop calling hurricanes names, you're just giving them the attention that they want
hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*
TIL the band Tenacious D didn't actually sing the greatest song in the world It was just a tribute
What did one testicle say to the other testicle? This guy in middle is a dick.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn't my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Europe is looking amazing right now. It lost a few pounds recently.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called "2 Proud 2 Prejudiced."
Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to divorce court The judge says to Mickey, "Mickey! You say your wife is crazy." Mickey replies, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
I told the barista my name was "Britney Spears" just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with "annoying white girl" written on it instead
How do you get to East Berlin Take the third right
Why do bakers start working so early in the morning? Because they knead dough.
What's the difference between a black guy and a bench? The bench can support a family.
It's difficult to say what my wife does for a living. She sells seashells down by the seashore.
What do refugees drink? Foreignade.
Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.
WHAT DO YOU CALL...... Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN SOMEONE FARTS IN A GAY BAR? A: A PICK UP LINE
Why can't deer get marred? Because they can't elope
I've lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Why don't you mess with one-ply toilet paper? It doesn't take shit from anyone
How do you say "touchdown" in Polish? Gronkowski
Children in the backseat can cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
Granny, pay attention and don't panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
"I hate tacos"... Said no Juan ever
A guy walks into a bar So a guy walks into a bar.... Where does he go next? The hospital. Why does he go to the hospital? For Alcohol poisoning
How do you congratulate a Jewish bodybuilder? Muscle Tov!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
What is the worst joke you ever heard?
Why did the strawberry cry? Because his mother was in a jam.
What be a Pirates favorite letter? Ye all must be willin' to guess Arrrr. But ye be wrong! It be the Sea! Yearha har har har
A group of Africans were playing Chinese whispers one goes to the other 'Ebola, pass it on'
What did Cinderella do when she finally got to the ball? Choke.
Where do you send bad Russian cows? The Moolag
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Guy: Can I get your number? Me: I kill plants for fun
Happy and Sad An old man says to his wife, "Honey, there is no possible way to feel both happiness and sadness at the same time." The wife says, "Out of all your brothers, you have the biggest dick."
A Mormon says to his Motel receptionist, 'The porn in my room better be disabled!' The receptionist replies 'No it's just regular porn you sick bastard'.
Hey North Carolina, watcha doin' this weekend? Nothing
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants? They can stick to the subject!
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Why did the man open a rooftop bar? He wanted to have drinks on the house.
Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.
Droopy Drawers by Lucy Lastic
They say seeing is believing, I never saw 9/11 happen. Therefore, 9/11 NEVER HAPPENED. Yes bad logic but hey, it's a quick laugh.
No thanks CVS, I don't need a bag. I'll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.
How did the investigators discover that a serial killer had dandruff? They found head &amp; shoulders in his bathroom.
What do you call a wireless network that goes down? A wireless notwork
Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels that it can be done.
How do you piss off the rich and the poor in two words? Bernie Sanders. Clause: I support the guy.
Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can't do great things! It is called garbage CAN, not garbage CANNOT.
What do you do after raping a blind, deaf and mute girl? Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
The guy I hired to kill my rats is amazing I think he's an ex-terminator
"Something's wrong. He's never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
There are two things a bloodhound can smell and can't smell A man's sweat and sweat
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a WWI soldier? A WWI soldier has a reason for shooting himself in the foot.
What's the difference between England and an egg cup? An egg can stay in the cup longer
Dad, the dog is having sex. Don't mind it, son, it's nature. Yes, I know dad. But it hurts!
What did Adele say when asked where her dog is? Groomer has it
In a committed relationship with carbs.
Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed... ...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.
mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark
Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.
What was Cher doing before she was born? She was a preacher.
How can you tell if a Mobile software developer isn't enjoying his job? He isn't very App-y
Beer isn't a solution Unless you're a chemist.
I'm going for LASIK surgery tomorrow Really looking forward to it.
What did one leper say to another? Got yer nose!
What do computers snack on? micro chips
Where did the cow go? It mooved.
What do you call these cats? What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
What's a doll in Hell called? Barbiecue.
Graphic designers just aren't my type.
I wanted to send over an invoice to the Westboro Baptist Church using an old-fashioned method of communication, but they told me... God hates fax.
How did Reggie Rocket's brother die? Otto Erocket Asphyxiation
I lost a few pounds today,... but when I lifted up my shirt I found them again.
A bird gets hit and killed by a baseball The umpire and coroner agreed to call it foul play.
Frownie wink wins for most confusing emoji ;(
I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.
What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? Eventually the savings bond will mature and begin to earn money.
SACAJAWEA WAS THE ORIGINAL GOOGLE MAPS
What's the difference between an auto-corrected exclamation of amazement and an act of liking men? One is ducking sick, the other is sucking d...
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A "Lickalotofpuss".
Helen Keller walks into a bar... And a table. And some chairs.
Why was the bird sick? It had the flew and its throat was soar.
I was searching for bear photos When I made a grizzly discovery
What do women and linoleum have in common? If you lay them just right you can walk on them for years.
What do Comcast and a bunch of ferrets named Jenny have in common? They're both a pretty shitty business.
I'm sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn't have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Created a Kickstarter for my movie. Hoping to raise enough for a popcorn and soda too.
Mr friend broke her hand today :( But on the other hand she's okay :)!
Me: (Insert inspirational quote here) Wife: Wow. That's deep, who said that? Me: I did. Didn't you hear me speak just now?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse? About 204 days.
What do you call a women that catches fish? Annette
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizzeria "Make me one with everything."
"Where does it hurt?" the doctor asked. "Right Ear" replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Can woman make man a millionaire? Yes, if he is a billionaire
What do you call the guy who envies his friend's gelatin? Jello-us
Why do mountains make people laugh? Because they're hill-areas!
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.  One blonde yells to the other "How do you get to the other side?"  "You are on the other side" the other blonde yells back.
Annoyed condom Why was the condom annoyed? It got pissed off
Why did butcher and doctor both have go to same bar? meat cleaver or outside they both drink bar alcohol. Then doctor said "what about the other guy" (Other guy is guy who is meat)
My friend told me Kanye West was the next John Lennon I replied "Then I'll be the next Mark David Chapman"
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of the night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
I like to finish other people's sentences because my version is better.
CRIME SCENE me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires british officer: what about that bloody fork me: this is no time to eat sir
I got in trouble with my date for not opening the car door for her... Instead I just swam for the surface
So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.
What did the bad soccer announcer get in his stocking? COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Q. How do you confuse a blonde? A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
What do you call two siblings that take your money? Fine brothers
The original E*TRADE baby, Jaden Mills, died in an electrical fire 2 years ago.
Then there was the Olympic Sprinter that tested positive for Viagra.... He tripped during the 100m Dash and won gold in the pole vault.
*looks gift horse in the mouth Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Bad: Getting bit by a spider... Worse: ...inside your mouth... Worst: ...while making out with someone.
First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test" and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."
[sees kid hitting pinata] Me: wow he really hates horses
I'm not looking at your ass, I'm admiring your back pocket.
What Does Every Pirate Hate? A small chest with no booty.
Welcome home, half-empty bottle of diet coke. Meet your family: Salad dressing, expired creamer & mysterious takeout container.
What do you call a nymphomaniac graffiti artist? Bonksy
Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he's back in town and wants your number
Butt-sex is a lot like spinach... If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult. -Daniel Tosh
[Biblical Times] God: oh shit Angel: what? God: I just realized I've been leaning on the frog button.
If a blind girl tells you that you've got a big penis... She's probably just pulling your leg.
What's Hitler's favorite football team? Forty NEIN ers.
What did phenolphthalein do when he couldn't understand his Chemistry homework? He just added Acetic Acid until it became clear.
Why did the window blush? Because it could see the weather changing.
"how would you like your steak prepared?" i'd like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I got fired from my job at the sperm bank. I guess you can't keep saying "Get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Next year is going to be an odd one. credit goes to my dad.
Is your birthday the 10th of October? Because you look like a 10/10!
Why don't witches wear panties? They get a better grip on their brooms!
What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ? The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had !
What do you call a priest's sermon that takes too long? The Reverending Story
The Queen Said If I had Balls I'd Be The King.. The king laughed... not because he wanted to because he had two.
Why did the doe give the faun an umbrella? In case of reindeer. And because I caribou.
What do you get if you ask a bear to spare some of his salmon? The Bear Glare.
Why is Donald Trump's pet bee so unwilling to share information? It's a cagey bee.
I can make a movie with my hand. All it takes is a FLICK of the wrist!
Hey, everyone in a minivan-- hit the gas!
What do you call a smart chromosome? A gene-ius
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw a lightbulb?
I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home. She must have been homeless.
Who is a cow and horses favorite artist ? Moo Nay !
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
What's the difference between a wealthy man wearing a tux and riding a bike and a hobo in torn jeans and shirt riding a unicycle? Attire.
What happened to the Jew who ran into the wall with a boner....? ....He broke his nose
I guess I didn't lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
So I called my urologist... Receptionist: "Can you hold?" Me: "No...that's why I'm calling"
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a "will work for food" sign. So I threw him a coconut.
Climate change is such a joke... Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.
I Like My Bed Like I Like My Women Tight, neat, and wrinkle free
7 million people watched the "Game of Thrones" season finale. Seven million people. That's one viewer for each "Game of Thrones" character.
Why is Santa always so jolly? He knows where the naughty girls live.
I once had sex with a frog... it was ribbiting!
Anonymity on the internet allows us to be whatever we want to be, but I'm glad most of us went with "perverted idiot".
When can a woman make you a millionaire? When you're a billionaire (Credit to Kevin Hart)
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor's garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
A fish swims into a brick wall... Damn.
What's the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest? One gets their miners stuck in a shaft, and the other gets his shaft stuck in a minor.
me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt? 8: yup me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we're dead
What do you call a chicken at the north pole? Lost.
Don't judge a woman by her granny panties but by what's inside.
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What's Harley Quinn's favourite rap group? Insane Clown Pussy.
So I guess the EU I guess the EU has 1 GB of free space now
Mark Twain used to travel with a podium from his hometown. Ah yes, his Hannibal Lectern.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
The bartender says "We don't serve time travellers here." A time traveller walks into a bar.
My dog used to chase after people on bike So I took the bike away from him.
Why did the Dollar note become 4 Quarters? Because it wanted "to change". *ducks*
Why did the sheriff arrest the tree? Because its leaves rustled.
Suicide: Mans way of telling God - "You can't fire me, I quit".
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
What did one buttcheck say to the other buttcheck? After all the shit that has been between us, we will never be apart.
I think my optometrist is falling in love with me... Every time I leave his office he hands me a sample of contact solution and says, "Eye care for you"
write pizza as all the answers for homework because pizza is always the answer
(NSFW) A friend of mine started dating a girl with special needs. Everyone is saying how sweet it is but I think he's fucking retarded.
Google reports consistent level of searches for "pornography" in the UK following Brexit Title
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It's like buying a bicycle
When I say I go to the gym religiously, that usually means every christmas and easter.
*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey* NO! *smacks it out of her hand* "I want to color!" ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK "But daddy-" DON'T CALL ME THAT
Reddit has become very clickbaity lately Tricked you.
So I went to an orgy at a campsite last night.... It was fucking intense.
"...but Neil Patrick Harris is ok." (end of many homophobic statements)
An Iraqi officer calls all Saddam's doubles and says: I have good and bad news. Good news is that Saddam is alive. Bad news is that he lost an arm.
So I was feeling down the other day... My friend wanted to cheer me up, so he told me 10 jokes to make me feel better. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Yay summer! *gets drunk outside* Yay winter! *gets drunk inside*
There we were, two men against an army... Boy, did we beat the hell out of those two guys.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone's guns.
A guy called into work and says, "Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?" "I'm not coming into work this morning!"
What have Disney and the U.K. got in common? Both dropped the EU And screwed over a lot of people
What is long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.
I hate when I think there's an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
*walks into Walmart wearing pants* Walmart employee: Shit, corporate's here
What is a suicide bombers worse fear? Dying alone...
What do nature and dogs have in common? They both abhor a vacuum.
I bet parents get annoyed when their kids ask "are we there yet?" when they're fully aware they now live in a car
I was recently employed as a sewage worker It's a shit job.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three piece suit? A: The defendant.
Next Presidential election, we need to get some guys with beards in there. It's been too long.
What do you call a Deer with no eyes? No eye Deer
Why are dwarfs so good at math? Because it's the little things that count.
A man with amnesia starts a joke...
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Two Lumberjacks were killed during a recent hurricane. The next day's headline read: "Nature Shows Idiomatic Side; Kills Two Beards with One Storm".
Why was the broom late? It overswept. *BadJokesBestJokes.*
What did Stephen Hawking name his new hair salon The Curl Up and Dye
What is the difference between a good joke and A bad joke timing.
The Islamic State is hosting a music festival in Iraq. The first annual Allahpalooza is sure to go off with a bang.
A lion would never (Old joke) A Lion would never cheat on its wife but a Tiger wood.
Can you put the pin back in a grenade? It's kind of urgent. Need and answer fast.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete? A Brazilian.
I wanted to get into the right mood for my essay about american patriotism.. so i shouted at my essay "You Essay", "You Essay", "YOU ESSAY"
A police officer in Alabama finds... ...a black man with his arms and legs chopped off. He reports "the worst case of suicide he's ever seen."
Mom: Hey honey who are you talking too? Me: My girlfriend. Mom: Don't lie to me you fatass! You're ordering pizza aren't you? Me: ( ._. )
Why was the burrito embarrassed? It saw the salad dressing.
What are the best white people jokes you have?
I like my men like I like my coffee... White, tepid, and saccharine sweet.
Wishing Charlie Sheen a full recovery from his addiction to awesome fun.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.
A teacher asked a girl to use the word"handsome"in a sentence. Girl :- "When I suck my boyfriend's dick my jaws get really tired so I use my hand some times".
What happened to the concussed gravedigger? He lost the plot.
How many books can a blind man read? Brailly any!
My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor... ...until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.
Top Rated Videos: OOps! Fail Blackflip .Hahaha Looser!!! http://streetpranks.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/funny-poor-boy-sweet-backflip-lollss.html
America's economy must really be in the toilet... The new $20 bill is only gonna be worth about $16
My favorite underwear is camouflage... Because no one can see me cumming.
Headache A guy asked his wife how she slept and she said 'not well, I was up in the night with a headache'. 'Funny', he said, 'I don't remember waking up and asking you for sex'.
People forget that Hitler also invented those subscription cards that fall out of magazines.
What did the midget get when he ran under the strippers legs? A flap in the face.
Instagram couldn't complete your request at this time because nobody cares about your Sunday brunch.
What do ladles and crackwhores have in common? They come in multiple sizes and move a lot of hot fluids.
What kind of bath can you take without water? A sun bath.
How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
Harry Potter jokes Give us your best Harry Potter joke. I'll start. What did Ron Weasley do the first time he saw Hermione naked? He whipped out his wand and yelled, "***Shtupify***!".
They say attractiveness is relative... my cousin seemed to disagree
Daughter: I will never learn to spell. Mother: Why? Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.
What do you call someone who take things literally A kleptomaniac!
[describing criminal to sketch artist] No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My poor knowledge of Mexican food has always been my chilaquiles heel. You didn't even have to click through to get the punchline.
What did the mouse say to the webcam? Cheese.
Atoms are huge liars They make up everything.
A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam The other 40% of us would rock that shit
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron? A smooth operator!
What did arnold schwarzenegger say to the chemist Get to the COPPER!!!!!
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together? Air conditioning
What does a man with a cow under his nose have? A moostache (That was udderly terrible)
I was going to tell a salt joke... But it's just sodium stupid.
In which nation to you need a passport just to travel within it? Ukraine.
When an Eel bites your heel, and pain is all you feel... Thats a "Moray"
"Where's my money?" - a loan shark "Where are my friends? - alone shark
If I had a dollar for every person who found me unattractive... I'd buy the htc vive, because who the fuck cares if your ugly when you have VR.
What does fast and furious 5 and the walking dead have in common? They both have dead walkers.
With age comes wisdom... ...but sometimes age comes alone.
Fcuk you Adobe! I spend more time downloading Adobe updates than i've ever spent using Adobe.
Why was the doctor stressed? He was losing his patients
What does Beyonce bake her cookies on? Aluminatti foil
Titanic the boat cost $174 million, Titanic the film cost $200 million. Why didn't James Cameron just rebuild the ship and sink it for real?
What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? You can tune a chainsaw.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A miner.
I was asked how I view lesbian relationships...
The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.
What do you do if you see a fireman? You put it out, man!
Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food ME: got it HER: dad, this my date ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If you are Russian on your way to the bathroom and Russian when you get out, what are you in the bathroom? Puttin.
What's North Koreas favorite drinking game? Pong-Yang.
What is the best way to lose money? A: Lend it to Greece.
What's is the difference between a Lamborghini and a boner? I don't have a boner right now. -Hugh Hefner, probably
How do you know if a pepper is being nosy? When he's jalapeno business!
What does Dracula write on his Christmas  cards ? Best vicious of the season
LPT: If you feel too cold, and can't afford central heating ...Just stand in a corner of your house. They are usually ~ 90
I told my girlfriend to give me the worst handjob ever. I was surprised she could pull it off.
Aids... -What would prevent AIDS from spreading in Africa? -Sex only after lunch
What two words would passengers never want to hear a pilot say? Allahu akbar
So the other night I was fucking this girl in the ass, and she said something like "I love you?". So I punched her in the face.
Life is like a box of chocolates... It runs out faster for fat people.
I got dressed... I'm a changed man now.
What happens if Santa lost his balls He doesn t sing jingle bells anymore
Once my credit card got stolen and I never reported it. The thief spent less than my wife.
What is the easiest way to kill a frenchman? Break his neck by slamming down the toilet seat, while he is drinking. - Otto von Bismarck
vote up if when you switch on light in a dack room and it shines, where does the dackness go to?
Why do cannabis smokers call that tiny device that holds the butt of a cigarette a roach-clip? ...because "pot holder" was already taken.
Whats the favored pasta dish among ISIL members? Baked Yazidi............ I know where I'm going after this life :(
I'm having a meeting tomorrow at 5 for people that have trouble ejaculating. If you can't come, just let me know.
The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. "Too pudgy to be a terminator" says one woman.
Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes? He wanted to go bear foot.
Parallel lines have so much in common... It's a shame they'll never meet.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game; Rich people can go to jail.
I hate unoriginal jokes on Reddit..... said the chicken as he walked across the road
Why was the ghost sad on Halloween? He ain't have no boo
When you're addicted to keyboard shortcuts It might start off with just copying and pasting, but once you get into underlining it really starts to control you.
What's the difference between my bike and your mom? Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.
I just found out that his full name is actually....Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Did you hear about the protestors killing the circus? They went straight for the juggler.
People like it when girls shake their boobs and butts in public, but when I spin my penis in a circle, people call me a "Sex offender" and tell me "Don't do that in public parks."
Oh my god! there was a kidnapping right outside my house today... So weird to see a kid sleeping on the sidewalk in the middle of the day.
i can't believe i'm on page 3 of an online forum debating the pros and cons of ceramic, glass, and stainless steel mixing bowls
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side!
Why did the blond get fired from the M&amp;M factory? Because she kept throwing out all the W's
How does a mathematician go to the bathroom? He works it out with a pencil.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My Welsh Friend I asked my welsh mate how many sexual partners he had had, but I never got to find out. Everytime he tried counting them he fell asleep.
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side.
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an  Australian dog ? Dingo Starr !
How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three others to watch and say, "Really dude, you look huge!"
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
"fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u" - a goldfish :(
Welcome to Business Job. Squeeze my hand and I'll squeeze yours. There, now we're acquaintances. Here's your 3 walls and chair.
Has anyone seen the trailer for the latest Tom Cruise movie? He can't go to the bathroom at all. It's called Mission Impissable.
Did you hear about the blind engineer ? Who built the taj mahal
This Joke is a Bit of a Stretch What did the hillbilly say when his yoga instructor asked if you wanted to leave the class? "Na, I'm a-stay"
Whoever said white people can't jump... Obviously hasn't heard of 9/11
A group of deer... .. go to a party. The next day, one deer says to the other "Wow, that was a pretty crazy party." the other deer replies, "You're telling me. I blew 50 bucks!"
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters? All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day... Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....
What's a ghost's favorite type of porn? Boookakke!
Why does my abusive mother hate vegetables? Beats me.
Why did the baker not allow greedy people to eat his goods? Because he wanted his produce to be glutton free.
If two people love each other nothing is impossible... Except deciding where to eat.
A child drinks bleach, why is milk often given? To make them happy before they die
In Britain you can make a bet on anything, and some canny punters bet on the result of the Brexit vote being `Leave'. Unfortunately, they had to accept their winnings in pounds.
Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt? Yes the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
Actual men and women are extinct. Too many insecure, narcissistic, attention seeking shit lords roam this earth and I want to vomit.
I know my mum has a dildo because I hear her drawer slam shut every night before she switches off her light in the next room... ...I wish this was a joke.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who was looking oking for help? He went to town and found another feller.
What did Hermoine say when she found out she's pregnant? Fetus Abortus!
Today's World : You Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible
My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that breast implants are way easier than math.
A black man walked into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bar man asks, "Whoa, cool. Where did you get him?" The parrot says, "Africa! There are loads of them running around!"
A guy's dick is so small... that he has to pay his girlfriend for babysitting every time they have sex. feel free to make this joke better...
"Oh, a bubble bath! That sounds nice and refresHOLY SHIT Ahhhhhhh!" - Lobsters
What city has the biggest amount of mistakes per capita? Uppsala
People say I never explain myself enough...
To back up his "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" theory, Newton should've released one simultaneously saying "no it doesn't"
How do ghosts become friends? They bond over boos. I made this up while sleep-deprived last night. I am sorry.
How do you conufuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan? A lardvark!
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say "they've escaped. don't run. just walk very fast."
My poetry brings all the hipsters to the yard and they're like "How Avant-garde"
How does the Hulk make money? He flips houses.
Before criticising anyone, walk a mile in their shoes because when you do you are a mile away and have their shoes..
What's the difference between a pianist and a penis? One tickles the ivories and one tickles the ovaries.
I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD'S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD'S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS
Get your shit together, people at McDonald's drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn't been the same for the last 50 years
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.
I was thinking about moving to Moscow But there's no point in Russian to things.
"Hashtag." #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If an Asian and a Mexican have a baby..... Would you call it an Amasian?
How many dead babies do you need to turn on the light? More than 20, because my basement is still dark.
Just sprayed Febreeze in my bathroom.. Now it smells like shitrus.
I texted her "Thankin bout ur butt" I don't know how much more romantic you can be
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a lousy summer!
Next time you see your therapist, see how deep into the session you can go by only saying lyrics from Creed songs.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off for the soccer team? She kept running from the ball.
Did you hear about the Math teacher who is afraid of negatives? He will stop at nothing to avoid them
My steer got constipated the other day... ...No bullshit.
Your dad is a motherfucker
What rock group has 4 members that don't sing? Mount Rushmore
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard
Do one person every day that scares you.
Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad? Because it's soda pressing.
I decided to have scrambled eggs this morning... Immediately after thinking "I'll just flip this omelette."
What happens when a cannibal decides to go vegan? They start eating vegetables.
Spelling cunts. *counts.
The name "groundhog" suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.
You hear about the guy who lost his eyelid in an accident? They used his foreskin for a skin graft. He turned out just fine, but he was a little cock eyed.
Wife: We're not talking over the radio. This relationship is over. Husband: This relationship is what? Over.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I'm not sure, but their flag is a big plus.
"I'm so wasted!!" Vegetables in my refrigerator.
The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied... "Yeah, right!"
Boss-You're Always the first one here! Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right? *gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
TIFU by being King of the jungle. I am Lion. lololol
What do you call a turkey that blows chickens? A cock gobbler
What is a shark's favorite illegal substance? Reefer!
Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.
The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany. There's a high chance of heil.
A wolf in a river didn't know w(h)ere it was, so it how-led and an owl "who'd" back. The wolf replied "What?"
Reports coming in from Detroit that during his visit to the church, Trump was AXED.... ....a lot of questions.
told my Subway sandwich artist the toppings I wanted but then I whispered "love" so now I can't go to that Subway anymore
TRUE STORY: woke up around 3am with a great idea for a tweet; this morning found a note reading "Hills, they are nature's stairs!" Please RT
What is jewish Pokemontrainer called? Ash
Why do people get addicted to meth? Because they didn't think of the aftermeth.
The Welsh were among the first to use sheep intestines as condoms.... The English perfected them by removing them from the sheep before using.
What's the most immature gaming console? Ninutendo 69
It's so humid today I keep expecting a southern lawyer to do his closing argument.
What do you call 100 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A great start
i have a lot of clothes but i only wear like 5% and it looks like I have none and i refuse to wear the other 95% because i look ugly in them
Was gonna get a brain transplant I changed my mind
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
WORST THING YOU CAN DO What's the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet!
Jesus loves me, but I told him that I could never date a pool boy.
The penguin is mightier than the swordguin.
Enter the dragon Q: What do you call a martial arts expert with a sore patella? A: Bruised knee
Why did the psych ward escapee never get married? He had a fear of commitment
What do you call a group of ears? A heard
On the first day... ...God created the heavens and the earth. And on the second day, God created the food items in the back of my pantry.
I hate lollipop ladies They make me cross
What is the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay. (I'm a terrible person.)
Did you heard Steve Jobs died? He went to the iCloud. (RIP Steve. You may disagree with him, but the fact the man died is tragic considering his contributions to computing.)
What do you get a man who has everything? A good urologist.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn't think he knew the word "no."
If Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here.
Pedophiles are like televisions Even a three year old can turn them on.
What's blue and white and can't climb trees? A fridge with a denim jacket on
What was the best thing about Jesus' crucifixion? Well, the cross was a big plus
How did the Frenchman get turned on? He French-kissed a power outlet
How does cheese get more mature? Fromage
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.
If you play connect-the-dots with the stains on my shirt, it reveals a picture of a grown man who needs to use a bib.
I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that "the one that got away" turned into a "dodged a bullet."
What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter.
The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today He's Snowden
I try to make good food, but it all turns to shit.
Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?  It was a tappy one!
What's the difference between autumn and fall? The twin towers didn't autumn
I'm having a completely dry January... ...no foreplay whatsoever. (Stolen from Gary Delaney's show this evening - great show Gary!)
"Spirits, are you there?" [ouija board] IF  YOU  LIKE  IT  THEN  YOU  SHOULDA  PUT  A  RING  ON  IT "Damn it, we've held a seaonce again!"
Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter? The dishes if she knows whats good for her.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand? quatro cinco
How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying.
What is Steve Job's favorite food? *Nothing because he's dead*
A neckbeard is talking to his friend about his trip to the doctor. He said they found a tumor, it's... M'lignant
Drugs are really bad for your mind. All these years I thought I worked in an office, but it turns out I'm actually a centaur.
What is it called when two tectonic plates have a romantic relationship? Subduction!
Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women? Mace...
I would make a gay joke.. Butt fuck it.
If someone specifies that you're book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they're calling you stupid.
There's a new police bar in town. I hear it's very copular.
Helen Keller walks into a bar Then a chair, then a table.
What do you call a Batman that leaves church early? A Christian bail
Pickup line: "Hey girl, is your dad in jail?" Because if I were him, I would be.
"Do you have anything with, ya know, even more denim?" "These jeans are 100% denim." "I require more." "Mr. Leno, this is getting weird."
Did you hear about the country band Brooks and Dunn splitting up? Yea, more than a couple years ago. You know what they said to each other when they split? "Hey Brooks, I'm Dunn."
Why do baked bean cans contain only 239 beans? Because if they had one more, they would be 240.
What do you call a rabbit with no clothes on?  A bare hare.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
A woman gives the news to her husband. - My love , I'm pregnant . What would you like it to be ? - A joke?.
When I tell you I butt-dialed you, I'm not saying it was an accident, I just want you to be impressed.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl's keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
It was the Fourth of July The department I work in has a lot of people frm Turkey. My job is to fire people. I had to fire Turks.
Did you hear they discovered a carnivorous tree in the Amazon? Don't worry its bark is worse than its bite.
Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Why did the citizen run for Sewer Commissioner? He thought it was his civic doodie!
As I suspected, someone's been removing soil from my garden. The plot thins.
Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything! Friend: cool Me: yeah even blood Friend: um I gotta go Me: lol no you're staying
What did the Chinese fisherman say to his at-risk son? Stay on the junk, and you'll go far.
Why the largest state in US has their own Airlines? Alaska
Q: What do you say to an alien with two heads? A: Hello. Hello.
Why don't ants get sick? Because of their tiny little anty bodies
Rene Descartes walks into a bar The bartender asks him if he'd like a drink. Descartes replies "I think not" and vanishes.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast in infection? A Quarter Pounder with cheese! Yum Yum
Go to Amazon right now They have the best deals of the year right now
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
What do you call two Filipino pilots? A pair of pliers
What's the name of the Mexican woman with no legs? Cuntswaylow
I'm Russian When Stalin for food
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One is fun to smash with a baseball bat and the other is just.... Well... A watermelon.
Did you hear about the gay guy that fell into a coma? It's the first reported case of a fruit becoming a vegetable.
Excuse, where is the opposite sidewalk? Right there (points). -Can't be, right there they told me it was here.
Did you hear about Klu Klux Knievel's latest stunt? He tried to jump a steam roller over 6 blacks
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Xerox and Wurlitzer are going to merge... They're going to market reproductive organs.
A pair of identical twins... ... on opposite banks of a river. One says "I wish I was on that side of the river." The other replies "You are."
Did you hear that Elton John is singing at Amy Winehouse's funeral reception? He will be singing "Candle Under the Spoon".
Why did the girl put pop rocks down her pants To get that pussy poppin
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Treat your women like your smartphone; touch them a lot.
"I'm independent" Said the Jamaican, showing me his initialised necklace.
Ferguson jokes... Are always a riot.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento...was shocked to find "remember to NOT trust your wife" written on his forehead with a Sharpie
What's the difference between the Chinese and Germans? The Chinese rike and the Germans Reich.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called? Me: Gelt. Coworker: Guilt? Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Bill Gates went into an Apple store... Farted, and stank up the whole place. But it's their fault for not having Windows.
What do you call a muslim body builder? A protein sheikh
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
A cow made a joke but it was too cheesy
Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.
I was stuck in traffic while on the road in Ireland... Cork was in a bottleneck.
An amazing talking dog
Where did Hitler keep his armies? In Poland, France, and Czechoslovakia.
What is the most effective form of birth control? Abortions.
What do you call the High Sparrow who is caught molesting kids? The Deviated Septon.
As advertised I opened a can of evaporated milk today. It was empty.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the "ice bucket challenge" made it cool
A scarecrow just won a Nobel prize. It was for being out-standing in his field.
Fucking customer keeps calling & asking for a quote even though I keep telling him I'm not an inspirational mother fucker.
"ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!" is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind It's to cheesy.
Pokemon Go down south. I've never been happier to live in the Bible Belt.
A single sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1,587.5TB.
What's the internal body temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm.
Why shouldn't you take the Fourier transform of a square pulse while on a boat? Because you don't wanna sinc!
My friend was showing me around her loft. She said, "It's a bit eratic." I said, "I know, there's lemon and lime peels everywhere."
How are women like 90 degrees? They're always right.
"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?" "384 my liege" "Ok, round them up" "400 my liege"
Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller fall off a cliff? She had mittens on.
What is the Great Gatsby's favorite superhero? Green Lantern. His least favorite? Deadpool.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
What's Hillary Clinton's key to success? The Delete Key
[raises hand in math class] HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I'm still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.
How do you pick up a girl from Auschwitz..... With a broom and a dustpan.
Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
What's Harambe's favourite retail store? Target
A gay man asks his lover "are you mad at me?" The lover responds "no, why?". The gay man says "Well, last night you slept facing me"
Supermom! Me: MOM CAN YOU MAKE ME A SANDWICH??? *doesnt hear* *whispers to myself* "deaf bitch" Mom: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?
My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called Thai Me Up.
Tom Brady got punished more than Ray Rice because he beat a whole team
Why did the scarecrow get the job? Because he was out standing in his field.
What if sun screen is really just a seasoning rub created by aliens.
ME: This house is haunted WIFE [sigh] We've been thru this, that's our son SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
We're not lost We're on Lo St
What if "baby daddy" meant a father who was actually a very small baby? A little baby dad. Baby Dad, coming this fall to ABC Wednesday night
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant
What do you call a crushed angle? A RECTANGLE !
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump kin hope its not a repost - its one of my old favs
During sexual intercourse Jimmy suddenly stops and becomes motionless.. .. Girl: What the heck are you doing?? Jimmy: I have seen this on adult porn sites, it's called "buffering"
You guys are so selfish, only think about yourselves, not important stuff. Who the FUCK is going to narrate Morgan Freemans life? WHO?!
What's difference between dollars and Jews? I'd give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars.
What is an obstetrician's favorite part of the ocean? It's the sea section.
I was hitting the random button at the top what are the chances of getting "Ask Reddit" 10 times in a row?
I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.
How much does a circumcision doctor make? Probably just a tip
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cologne ! Cologne who ? Cologne me names won't help !
Spooning leads to forking But if you fork the wrong dish, you could get knifed.
I love Honest Abe. Do you want to hear my favourite quote from him? "My head hurts."
When updating your status, always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out...
What's in a divorce fruit salad? alemony
Why did Hitler called it ethnic cleansing? He showered them.
What do you call a woman who dyes her hair red? Transginger.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part? ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Did you hear about the guy who tried to have sex with an acorn? He was fucking nuts.
What has 100 legs and 3 teeth? A centipede on meth.
My gay friend told me his old boyfriend never played with his balls, but his new one just can't stop playing with them I told him "I suppose one man's junk is another mans treasure"
Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"
Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... ...but it's definitely up there.
They say that murder rates go down with more employment, so I bet if we gave everybody jobs murdering people, they'd be really bad at it.
every night i whisper a hater's name into the wind and the wind whispers back, "they just jealous... "
The classiest Minion is called a Filet Minion please fave and RT
After winning the World Series, the city of Chicago is rioting So nothing seems to have changed.
Roses are red, your body is fine, I know we just met, but your place or mine?
How do you define an aardvark? Aan aanimal that resembles an aanteater!
Men shouldn't feel bad if they only last 7 minutes doing doggy style... I mean, that's almost an hour in dog time.
Told my mom I was adopted. Totally April Fooled her ass.
If Jesus appears to you... Ask him to bevel-cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn't know what you mean, that's an imposter Jesus.
What's a Polar Bear's favourite soup? A laksa.
[11am] Me: oh look, it's sunny out. Me: I should go running. Me: or swimming! Me: these Doritos are delicious.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
If brevity is the soul of wit... Why the fuck are some the jokes posted here so long?
So I've been tossing up between becoming a meteorologist or a scout master. But I don't know weather or knot..
If you've had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent ...or your life is way more interesting than mine
I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you ... even you.
Q: Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms? A: He said they came in handy.
What is the name of the charity organization that kills 90% of all of its "rescues"? Make a Wish Foundation
Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally
Threw my new neighbors a house-warming party... The police called it arson. Whatever...
Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we'll all be sorry.
A pessimist, optimist and feminist Optimist: The glass is half full Pessimist: The glass is half empty Feminist: The glass is raped
computer humor Graphics card says to the RAM "did you see that?" he replies "I Know".
Why do Transformers always have their heads in the clouds? They're robots in da skies.
A Muslim was saying to me today..........
So I heard you were good at making pee jokes Urine. EDIT: Wow most karma I've ever gotten in a post
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
When confronted, people in wheelchairs never seem to stand up for themselves.
Did you know there's actually 4 scientific bonds? * Ionic Bond * Metallic Bond * Covalent Bond * James Bond
what did the man say when he couldn't get frea with his dog? oops, forgot the ky
Roses are red, Vilots are blue Your title is English, your video should be too.
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.
What does a Muslim magician say before his trick? Araba-cadabra
Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn?
Knock knock...(from my 6 year old) Who's there? "Little girl". Little girl, who? "Little girl who can't reach the door knob".
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot
What do you call a Mexican vs a Mexican in basketball? Juan on Juan
i wish u could kill cops in mario kart
Why did the cheerleader get kicked out on her last day of school?[x-post from /r/punny ] Because you can't end on a prep position.
What word starts with F and ends in uck? Firetruck. The answer is Firetruck.
It's hard to sleep with all the girls knocking on my door at night. I eventually had to let them out.
Siri, does this look infected?
In a primary school... The teacher asks students to draw female reproductive system. A girl in the class puts her head down out of shyness. A boy looks at her and exclaims "Ma'am she's copying!".
What's the difference between a man-whore and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three "hoes"
Why don't ants get sick? They have little antibodies
If you have a six-pack and a friend drinks five of your beers, what do you have left? One less friend.
Why did the illiterate man with the 11 foot penis get dumped by his girlfriend? TLDR
What do you call Stephen Hawking rolling away from an explosion? Hot wheels (First joke, hope you like it.)
My exercise is primarily jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes! ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that's gonna cost you an extra wish
Why can't American engineers design linear actuators? Because they always try to maximize the degrees of freedom.
Nice job, whoever chose the word "monosyllabic" for that.
Why did the mosquito go to the dentist ? To improve his bite !
mess with me and I will staright-up yank the drawstring out of your hoodie
"Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you" "Yeah....so is a grenade"
Two men walk into a bar... They're blind, it happens.
So a coworker of mine made a joke about midgets going extinct. And I was offended! Because there is nothing funny about a midget shortage.
[doing a sexy skype chat] GF: show me urs & I'll show u mine ME: mmm baby I can't wait *we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
What do you call an orgy with drummers? A gang bang.
Did you hear about the gangsta proctologist? Apparently he busted a capillary in someone's ass.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince. It's my husband's dream now.
What did the programmer say to the architect chick? Wanna come back to my homepage and check out my floor plan?
If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.
It's hard to explain puns... It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones
Why did Chris Christie cross the road? Because chicken is fucking delicious!
How do werewolves mark their territory? Lycanthropee
Trump's campaign promises That's it
Why did Donald Trump defend the size of his dick? Cuz he's gonna use it to fuck the Republican party.
Did you hear about the shipment of Viagra that was stolen? Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants? Because Chernobyl fallout.
What's the most dangerous part about Scrabble It's all fun and games until someone loses an I
What do you call a racist Chinese person A ricist
Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks... "Can you put me up for the night?"
Life is a joke.. and death is the punch line.
I tried turning my AC off today but couldn't.... Turns out it's hard to stop a Trane.
So three Rabbi's walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says "get the fuck out"
How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia? If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.
In a lesbian relationship... Is their house just a huge kitchen?
What kind of food do zombies hate? Fast food
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Typographers will appreciate this Stereotype
For my SysAdmins and DBA's: Why did Hitler secretly want to work on MySQL? .. just so he could rewrite my.cnf
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.
Ford, Fiat, BMW Fix Or Repair Daily Fix It Again Tony Break My Window
Whats the difference between you and a bucket of turds? The bucket
Why do tampons find it so hard to make friends? They're all stuck-up cunts.
"They like to buy t-shirts reminding each other of the words from movies they have seen and enjoyed" - me finishing my report on humans
"I've got cat-like T-Rexes" Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? *Tyrannosaurus pounces on you*
I saw Kony kissing Santa Claus
Sir, your frog is illegally parked, move it imediately or it will be toad.
Some people probably think I tweet too much but maybe I'm required to tweet this much or else this bus will explode ever think of that
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
He was such a brutal fighter that, after slaying the tigress in the arena, he proceeded to devour her flesh. And he felt no remorse. He was Gladiator.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i'm not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Today I picked up a hitchhiker. Dropped him off at Crystal Lake. Seemed nice but didn't say a word. Was wearing a hockey mask. Oh, these wacky kids and their crazy fashions!
I have a doorbell chime for text messages. I just checked my door twice. I don't have a doorbell. Line up boys. This kinda genius is rare.
My labrador and my collie do everything together. You could say that they're great at collaborating.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
What's the policy at French morgues? Baguette and tag it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
My brother told me he thinks I invade his privacy Well he didn't actually tell me. I read it in his diary.
I'm like a clogged toilet. I DON'T TAKE SHIT FROM NO ONE.
George Michael is recording a song to help promote the end of sectarian violence in the Middle East. It's called "I Want Your Sects."
[during dinner on a date] "I'm currently in university" how long is your degree? "normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2"
A clown held the door open for me the other day. I thought that was a kind jester.
[texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Why are jerks nice sometimes? Standard deviation of the mean (OC, as far as I know)
What does it look like when someone is drowning? lol
All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it's ok to get out of her bushes.
I thought I had ADD because I have a hard time concentrating when I read books. But it turns out I'm just lazy and not very smart. Phew!
If it takes 150 yards of stewed tripe to make a pair of leather britches for a bull, how long does it take for a double breasted cockroach to climb a bar of soft soap? You tell me and we'll both know.
Why did i buy a black phone? So it would run faster!!
hey, whats the definition of a will? come on guys, its a dead giveaway
Short and cute giggles. What did the shy little pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder!
News:"a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours..." They have hover bears? jealous again
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
Principal: Do you do your homework? Kid: Now & Then Principal: Where do you do it? Kid: Here & There Principal: Put him in the closet!!! Kid: Hey When will I get out? Principal: Oh sooner or later
How do you tell if you've posted an anitjoke in /r/Jokes? If someone comments saying you posted an antijoke and that you should rather post your joke in /r/antijokes.
A Canadian walks into a bar has a drink, pays his tab, and leaves.
What brand of Vacuum Cleaner does Snoop Dogg use? Bissell
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that's why
It's my epileptic friend's birthday soon so I got him a strobe light. He's going to have a fucking fit when he sees it.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because they weren't born yesterday.
Between all the plane crashes and their infamous driving... I'm beginning to think Asians are just bad at transportation.
I really try not to make fun of fat people... They have enough on their plate
"Say your house is burning." "That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one."
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.
Why did the bear eat his phone? It was a black berry...
What's best about hiring an immigrant midget? You pay them under the table ;)
Ellen Pao right now [deleted]
Why does Kevin Bacon not get more leading roles in Hollywood? Because it's not kosher. http://36.media.tumblr.com/cb0ad7dd38767e0fc2363665afdb5cdd/tumblr_inline_ntae7hsEL21tw80r8_1280.jpg
What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego  set ? A boa constructor !
In MILF porn... There's always one motherfucker
Trees are allergic to bees.. ..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler) Original joke! Edit: Grammar
I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street... And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.
Why were there coffe beans at the subway station? Because they were under-ground.
What do you call a black pilot? A pilot, you fuckin racist.
What do you call a criminal with an STD? A herpetrator.
Why is Paris the city of love? Hard P and a soft A. Modified from comment section of reddit
What's more fun than nailing dead babies to a wall? Scraping them back off
In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed. I must have fell asleep.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What happens when lawyers die? They lie still.
What do you call an archer who got his arms cut off? Deranged.
About an actress. Did you hear about that actress who killed her husband? Reese something... Witherspoon? No Witherknife.
my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples
A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians." The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."
What do you call the operation that turns a woman into a man? An addadictamie.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I'm a chicken magnet
A son goes to his parents and says "Mom, Dad... I'm gay." The Dad immediately responds. "HI GAY, I'M DAD."
I want to buy a Tesla Coil. Shocking, I know... But I feel really energetic around them.
Wait, what's that noise? Is there a dying cat outside? Oh...no...it's just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
How do you catch an orange elephant? I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.
Knock knock Who's there? Yo mama Yo mama who? Yo mama so old she invented knock knock jokes
Damn girl, are you my date for today? Because you are 10/10
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I ran out of toothpaste recently So I've resorted to brushing with soap. It's pretty gross, but on the plus side I've really cut back on my swearing.
what did internet man say to other internet mam "dank meme"
Gross. Now I can't eat salmonilla without thinking about eggs.
So I hear that the Euro is destabilizing and deflating... ...if its value decreases any more, Europe might have to switch back to their old international currency, Czechoslovakia.
I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world I told them to fuck off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.
Do you want to 68? You go down on me and I'll owe you one.
What did the 3 tampons say when they walked past you? Nothing! They were all stuck up bitches...
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts... Me: OK D:...so that I can start the operation. M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know y
My friend asked me if I wanted to skip class. I said "nah, I think I'll pass."
First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? Second girl: No it's imagination.
All of Donald Trump's wives are foreigners... Turns out there really are jobs American's won't do. Source: Mitt Romney's response to an interviewer's question.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Why legalize weed? Because it's 2015... http://i.imgur.com/PmlEqZ9.jpg
How to stop a kid from growing up. How do you stop your kids from growing up? Ask Jozsef Barsi.
T-REX: So you going to Tim's surprise party? TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what? RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Josh Dugger more like Josh Diddler
Where does Moses get his coffee? Hebrews it.
What do Augusto Pinochet and New Guns n Roses have in common? They've both committed atrocities in South American stadiums.
When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
Why do black people never sleep? Because the last one who had a dream got shot
A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
A woman once received a wooden breast implant It'd be nice if this joke had a punchline Wooden tit?
I'll always remember what my dad said right before he bought the farm. How much does this farm cost?
What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!
Sneezed. Nobody blessed me. Going to hell.
Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze
Want to hear a corny joke?? Then please, lend me your ear.
America as a whole is pretty bad at geometry... We're all out of shape.
[crime scene] detective flips open pocket watch Hmmm...precisely what I thought "What's that sir" closes watch It's lunch time
yo mama is so fat you could use her belly button as a wishing well...
Al Gore solves the world's problems by singing and dancing. He has an algorithm.
[ping pong] ME: 3 to 2, my serve JESUS: M: can I have the ba- J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve M: [exhales] every time
Every time someone tells a bulimia joke... Every time someone tells a bulimia joke I throw up in disgust. Please keep them coming.
Why sacrifice virgins? Because they've done nothing to deserve it.
So last night I had a stroke of genius. Two nights ago I named my penis Genius.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can't get cell service Batman: Your carrier sucks Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use? Batman: Bat Mobile
Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons". I guess it was the honey dew list.
[texting] Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am) Him: About? (9:01 am) Him: What? (9:02 am) Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am) Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a boomerang? A: A nasty smell that you can't get rid of.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
So a guy with his dick in a jar of peanut butter said I was weird for jacking off with a banana peel I told him he's fucking nuts!
[Dentist's] Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool* Dentist: So what do you do? Equipment trolley 3ft away: I'm a ventriloquist
What do you call a group of yogurt loving boat enthusiast? A Yacult...
The Outsiders: Why is Ponyboy lactose intolerant? He hates Dairy but likes Sodapop.
When you're sad, no one sees your tears. When you're happy, no one sees your smile. But try jacking off in the subway. Then *everybody* stares.
I think that Stephen Hawking is a con man.... My sister is in a wheelchair and she's as thick as shit!
Someone told me not be a dick about Caitlyn Jenner I said "Should I be a twat instead?"
two deer walk out of a gay bar the first deer says to the other, "man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there".
What's a bridges favourite genre of film? Suspense tion
Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van. One turns to the other says: "I think we got off on the wrong foot."
We're at the mall and noticed none of the kids can sit on Santa's lap. I'm not sure why, there's probably some Claus against it...
Moth balls Q: What do you have if you have a mothball in one hand, and a mothball in the other hand? A: A really big moth!
I bought some "no more tears" shampoo but her hair still tore right out!
How do you make the letter "H" healthy? You spin it. It becomes spin-h. juh-jen
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it's "disturbing" & I "need to leave yoga," or "at least wait til I'm off the treadmill"
Pretty sure my first black friend was "The Wire."
I told my girlfriend I've known 3 whores in my life. The first one was named mercedes, the second one porsche, your name must be buick!
Friend: "Hey you're blocking the view!" Me: "Bitch, I am the view."
Spending a day at the beach is awesome when I dress the ugly girls with my eyes.
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes.
The Pink Panther made a list of things he had to do, and it was called... To do, to do, to do to do to do, to do, to dooooooo...
The anti pick-up line. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? [pause while smiling] Because it looks like you landed on your face" I'd love to hear some of yours.
He's Trump, he's Trump, he's Trump, he's a little square. He's Trump, he's Trump, he's Trump, whats with that hair? Wierd Al on politics
Interviewer: Any questions? Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
The next version of Android oughta be called Nuts. That way I can tell everyone that they're holding an Android with its nuts in their hand.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I'm the town doctor.
9 out of 10 Americans agree ...that out of 10 Americans, one American will always disagree with the other nine.
One beer can in a cooler says "what's up?" to another. The other one replied, "Just chilling".
I'm thinking of investing in cancer research... I hear it's a growth industry.
Everyone says they hate MP3 files... But I don't understand why it gets so much flak.
will be tailgating outside the art museum tomorrow. needed: 6 people to paint their chests & help me spell out PICASSO
Wanna know how I escaped Iraq? Iran
How do you fit 100 Jews in a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 95 in the ashtray.
I got high during detention today. The teacher made me do lines.
I wonder how many people on Tumblr only watch TV shows so they can find things to make into GIFs.
Bill gates teaching a kindergarten class "Let's count" says Gates The children start counting as he told them to. 1,2,3.x,95,98,2000,ME,XP,7,8,8.1,9,10, 10 anniversary edition
High heels are just regular heels that live in Colorado Haha we make jokes on here to try to keep the enveloping darkness at bay
I used to be afraid of flying in planes But nowadays I insist on one.
I got approached on a dating website by a midget I asked her what she felt her best attribute was. She responded "I'm really down to earth."
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or  ashamed.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The tree in my front yard is allergic to bees It always get hives
I'm confused... square box, round pizza but triangle slices.
Went to my daughter's netball finals yesterday. What a semi.
How to Be Good At Twitter 1. don't be 2. don't have that be your goal 3. aim higher 4. seriously, go outside or something
What does a casino and a prostitute have in common? They both fuck people for money.
What gives a gorilla good taste? Four years in an Ivy League school!
"hoes before hos" --the belief that your garden's needs should always come before your bitch's.
I went to read the dictionary, but... My aardvark had the exact same idea before me. He didn't really get far.
What's the difference between your momma and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck, and I forget the rest of the joke but your mother's a whore.
"If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-" SHE ONCE COMMENTED 'FIRST' ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO *ring bearer vomits*
I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him. Heard from my 10 year old cousin.
Just LMAO and spent 6 hours in surgery getting it reattached. It's not funny.
Where would we be in the world without humour? Germany.
Knock Knock Go fuck yourselves.
There's always some truth behind: Just kidding, Knowledge behind: I don't know, Emotion behind: I don't care & Pain  behind: It's okay.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
What did the bra say to the hat? Go on ahead I'll give these two a lift
Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It was supposed to be in place last week!
What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.
Countries I can't believe Japan have not attacked: Wales
Genie: I'll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That's very nice of you
If you call a group of lions a pride, and a group of crows a murder; what do you call a group of pedophiles? The British Parliament
What do you call a smug prisoner walking down stairs? A condescending con descending
What's the difference between Cottage Cheese and Cream Cheese? I didn't cottage in my pants
Do you want to know what's the worse than click bait? Sneakier click bait :-)
I like my women like I like my calzones Somewhat crusty on the outer part and really gooey and cheesy on the inner part.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
Somebody asked Hillary Clinton if she would be going to see 13 hours... She said no, she had already slept through that one.
What kind of fish is the worst friend? The Sel-Fish
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
Why Donald Trump will be one term president? One can only trump the nation once!
What kind of beer does a cow brew? Heifer-weizen.
Being raised as a catholic was tough. As soon as I hit 12 I had acne come on my face, as did the priest.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie *points finger gun at mouth* *pulls trigger*
What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife? You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Whenever a fast food employee reads my order back to me I always say, "did you just call me fat?" They love that.
"What do you do for a living?" "I'm an organ trafficker." "Oh my God, do you have no heart?" "Are you criticizing me or making an order?"
Eye height that know won nose how two spell. Eye height it sew much it makes me blew. It snot fare.
How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel. I paid in dimes.
What sis Selenium say to Xenon? U SeXe.
My son just said he doesn't like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood
You hear Steve Sarkisian actually wanted to be a lawyer? He couldn't pass the bar
My wife told me she is having an affair with Mr. Peanut. I think she is fucking nuts.
What do you call a half-length lightsabre? A slightsabre
Did you hear about the human cannonball? First day on the job, he was fired.
What does a black guy do after sex? 15 to life.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Pokey But then I turned myself around
I'm interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius's height listed as.
When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel'
I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.
I would make a sarcastic comment about North Korea... ... but it's been banned.
I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I have only my shelf to blame.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it's born This is a baby human: don't touch its head wrong or you'll bonk its brain
I got a job as a triangle player in a Reggae band... I just stand at the back and ting
If Jesus had been LGBT, what would Pilate now be known for asking? What is bruth?
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? one can wash their crack and re-sell it!
Women always call me ugly,until they find out how much money I make Then,they call me ugly and poor
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex? A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
There was a monster who ate properties... He ate a lot.
What do you call an Indian dating service? Connect the dots.
What kind of dog is best at keeping secrets? hush puppies
What do you find in between the tits of an old woman that you won't find in between those of a young woman? A belly button.
Ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed WIFE: Trump's running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series M: haha ok but srsly tho
We should hang out and stare at our phones.
Which came first: the chicken or the egg? 'Murica came first.
"A pirate with no p... is irate!" Friday is International talk Like a Pirate Day!
Kim Jong Un recently banned the blues scale... He hates Seoul music
Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!
Why was the scare crow given an award? Because he is outstanding in his field.
"Do you want to play doctors and nurses?" *flirty giggle* "ok..." "I'm a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year"
My cousin was hospitalized for 3 months after a freak accident at a spaghetti factory.. Unfortunately, he pasta way
My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin... It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...
What's the best way to reheat turkey? Nuke it.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Have you heard about that new movie, "The Homophobic Preacher"? Hasn't come out yet.
I was going to tell a joke about a popular rock band, but.. I'm going to need A Day To Remember.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.... I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.It's fucking awful, every now and then it falls apart.
If you hear someone sing Jingle Bells and you don't respond with Batman smells then I don't wanna be friends with you.
I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix... I mean, I've seen Stranger Things.
How many Polaks does it take to come up with heliocentric theory? One.
What did the man say when he got a big phone bill? "Who said talk is cheap?"
What is the difference between red wine and women I let the red wine breathe when I'm having sex with it.
I'm giving up spellcheck for Lant
give a man a fish and you feed him for a day Teach a man how to Google how to fish and he'll watch fish porn for the rest of his life
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
What do you get if you cross a Sociologist with someone in the Mafia? An offer you can't understand.
What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee
Hey girl, are you a repost? Because I fucking hate you and wish you didn't exist.
Why are Gay and Lesbian parades always held in the Summer? Because Pride comes before a Fall.
Why don't debutantes like group sex? Too many Thank You notes to write.
Why are black people so tall? Because their kneegrows
Did you hear about the terrorist with a house fetish? I hear he blew his house.
A man asked his mother "How will I ever find the right woman?" She replied "Forget finding the right woman, focus on being the right man."
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I'd try my best to take that thing home.
I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?
What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD? You can sleep with a light on.
My sex life is like a Pontiac. I usually find it on the side of the road.
I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up.
Stop looking at row numbers in first class. That's not where you sit.
Why is Peter Pan always flying around? Because he can never never land
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor: M-What do I have to do? F-Well I know you, so I'm expecting very little. Mission accomplished.
A popular Muslim wants into a new bar That place really blew up
There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.
When is it okay to spit an arab woman in the face? When her moustache is on fire!
Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
What do you call a French General who charged into battle and died? Napoleon Blownaparte
And the award for best neckwear goes to... ...well would you look at that, it's a tie.
Why is mustard good to have in case of an emergency? It's always prepared.
Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals. What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.
How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated? Defeeted
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... I'd use it to buy some rental properties and try to invest some in the market.
Say, did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? No? Well, well,well.
What's the Difference Between A Condom and Your Mother? A condom wasn't on my dick last night.
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist beach? Well..it's not hard
What do Palestinians and Taylor Swift have in similarity? They both shake it off.
Blonde joke Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don't know." Blonde: "OMG, like, nobody does!"
Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the  phone systems in China? A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.
New Italian Navy Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottoms in their ships? So the can see the old Italian Navy.
The flat earth movement is really taking off.. There are flat earthers all around the globe
So I'm opening a soup-based strip club I'm thinking about naming it "The Brothel"
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
They say that one in four of your friends could be gay.... I really hope its Steve, he's cute.
Ladies, men like it when your hair has lots of body, not the other way around.
What movie aspect ratio do cats prefer? Litterbox.
"Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" "I don't know, and I don't care."
[Gets cut off by a Pruis] *Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me* *Prius spins out of control* Thug life.
Wanna hear a joke about pizza? never mind, it's too cheesy.  -__-
Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.
"Your word is 'oujia'" -could you use that in a seance? [spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won
Son, I haven't slept at all in the past 10 days! Son: Why not? Dad: Because I sleep at night.
Where do Communists go to get burgers? Czechers.
I bought my epileptic friend a strobe light for his birthday. He's going to have a fit when he sees it.
Jesus walks into a hotel Lays a handful of nails on the counter and asks the attenant "Can you put me up for the night?"
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
What does the Cajun ghost say? Beaux!
How does NASA organize a party They planet
Did you know that too much Viagra can also make you confused? Yeah - it happened to this stand-up comic - he told the room ... Thank you very much, I 'll be hard all week ...
What does a Vulcan lawnmower need to function? A spock plug.
Wanna hear a joke? The Black Lives Matter movement.
Jesus must of thought of this in his last moments "I can see my house from here".
Did you hear about Draymond Green's new comedy road show? It's like Gallagher, but instead of watermelons he only smashes kiwis.
I probably shouldn't have spent $500 on that pair of leather sunglasses... But hidesight is 20/20, I suppose
Did you hear about NASA finding bones on the moon? Yeah,the cow didn't make it.
Liked the 3 day weekend? Try not having a job, it's a 365 day weekend.
Why weren't the eggplants allowed into the mushroom party? Because there wasn't much room and they aren't fun guys.
What they told you about Mormonism is a lie Because they can't tell the truth
If you visit a city, make sure you buy a T-shirt with that cities name on it so people know you went to that city.
Like most pale people I will be occupying the indoors this summer.
My grandfather was a fantastic fisherman... they used to call him the "Master-Baiter".
I said "your right" to my husband this morning. He thought I said "you're right" but I didn't. So I win.
Why did Superman dump Lois for Wonder Woman? He decided he wanted to date someone in the same League.
They say I have a drinking problem. All I have been trying to do is drain the liquor down the toilet. Through my body.
How does NASA plan a party..? They planet.
"I see" said the blind man pissing into the wind... "It's all coming back to me now."
How do you know if an Asian has been to your house? Your math homework's done, your computer is upgraded, and that little twat is still trying to back out of your driveway.
Chinese officials are trying to decide whether to spend money on a school or a prison. Finally one of them says: - What are the odds that some of us will go back to high school?
I was really missing school But I collected myself, took a few deep breaths, focused, reloaded my gun, and started nailing the little bastards.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
"And what do your parents do?" BABY COW: Well, my mom is basically a vending machine and my dad is hamburgers
Watching the olympics women beach volleyball first round... There's already been a wrist injury, but I should be ok by tomorrow.
What's a young monkey's favorite time of the school day? Rhesus.
What do you call a roman emperor with epilepsy? Julius Seizure
What did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg? "Between us, I think we can make a lot of money!"
Are you going to buy something this time? Or are you "just curious"? Let's just say I'm buy-curious.
What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
If I ever get a Roomba, I'm gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Why do meth heads love Halloween? Three sleeps 'till Christmas!
I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids. So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.
What do you call a snowman that frequently has sexual intercourse? A snowplow.
*knock at the door* "H...hello?" "Hi, i'm not a mouse" "Phew, that's good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I think I've discovered my supersymmetric partner.
Do you have eggs for breakfast? Kevin bacon
Parenting a baby is like an etch-a-sketch drawing. You must be careful, but if you mess up just shake the shit out of it and make a new one.
Thought i was out of toilet paper today Turns out i had a shitload
Remember: Before you were Mommy's little darling you were Daddy's little squirt.
My sister is so dim she thinks that  a cartoon is a song you sing in a car.
If the pope sent an overnight package with a special message, would it be Fed-Ex Cathedra?
Eating out This one time I was eating this chick, then all the sudden I tasted horse cum. I was like, damn grandma, that's how you died.
We're celebrating Thanksgiving the old fashioned way at my place this year By inviting our neighbors over to eat and then killing them and taking their land
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
4: How do you spell no? Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound? 4: Batman? (Spelling is hard)
[on date] Ok, don't let her know ur a vampire. Her: I think I'll have a steak. A STAKE?? [turns into bat and flies away]
So a Bear Walks Into a Bar... and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The bear says," I'll have a drink and a... bag of peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
How do you build a flea circus? You have to start from scratch.
Why do all black men have nightmares? The one with a dream was shot.
I wasn't able to apply for a job in the Endoscopy unit... ... it was internal application only.
Facebook: the only book teens read these days.
Guy discovers Terrorist Hideout.. Reporter: So how did you catch 'em? Guy: Umm.. I just found this Charizard then...
Don't die a virgin. Well it's not like you get to choose.
I got into a fight against three people earlier and managed to knock one out... In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time to masturbate.
What do you call a blind asian man A blind asian man you racist shit
Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.
"Hi, my name is Gary and I'm a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store."
My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of 'fun' are. I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..
What stops rape every single time? Consent
What did Spock find in the toilet? The captains log!
I like my pussy like I like my sandwiches With the meat inside
Did you hear about the man who got the left side of his body blown up? he's all right
Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.
what did the infant cannibal think of the premature section of the nursing ward it was a preemie-yum buffet
Did you hear about the industrious tree? He wanted to branch out, but his efforts yielded no fruit. But the non-industrious tree stuck to its roots.
Black Fathers
Why couldn't the chicken come to dinner? he didn't seem truss worthy.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.
I haven't seen David Luiz this upset since Bart and Lisa got him sent to prison.
What did the mathematician say to the lumberjack drummer? I really like your logger rhythm!
The twin towers remind me of genders There used to be two of them and people get offended when you talk about them
Did you hear about the pyromaniac who was on the dating website? He was looking for the perfect match.
I made a joke about periods the other day It was bloody awful
Do you guys know the difference between "girlfriend" and "girl friend?" ... that little empty void in the middle.. Known as the "friend zone" ..
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
What do communists do on May Day? Paint the town red.
Women reflect on the entire pie while men fixate about eating whatever slice they can get their hands on.
I would watch a reality show that's nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I once found an egg with two chickens in it That was my best yolk.
What was the General's answer... to the President's inquiry, as to what military division has been most under appreciated during his term? "Tanks, Obama."
Kate Upton as the spokesperson for Game of War
Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop I eat mop who? That's disgusting. You shouldn't tell people that.
What was Hitler's favorite kind of juice? Concentrated.
With Twitter, who needs imaginary friends?
Why did the female warrior prefer the armor smith over the weapon smith? The weapon smith was a bit rapier
This gay guy I met was named Cinnamon(synonym) Now my ass is thesaurus
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Limerick I learnt at my all boys school There once was a man name of 'Dave' who kept a dead whore in a cave. She started to stink, and was no longer pink, but think of the money he saved!
two kinds of people There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
After coming out of hibernation the Philae Lander has some tough decisions. Reserve that free Windows 10 upgrade or not...?
There was a U2 cover band playing at a bar last night... I hate to say it, but they were even better than the real thing.
Doctor: What's your zodiac sign? Patient: Cancer Doctor: What a fucking coincidence!
A Muslim extremist, a Democrat, and Hillary supporter walk into a bar.... 49 people die, 53 more are injured
Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table... The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?" They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"
TIL the Airbus A380, the world's largest passenger airliner, shares a type rating with yo momma! Clearly we need more nerdy yo momma jokes.
Where do you find a one legged dog? NSFW Wherever you fucking left him
What's the difference between hungry and horny? (NSFW) Where you put the cucumber.
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.
If ADHD is heritable, is it therefore energenetic?
Hope having cream on my hands and not being able to turn a doorknob is as close to being in jail as I get.
How do you know your letter is gay? It came in the mail.
[on a first date] Me: So do you like puppies? Her: Oh I love them Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
the best part about arguing with family make up sex
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black
What do you call a Mexican riding a bike? Wow. You guys are some racist fucks. He's a bike rider. On a bike he probably stole.
What gave Hitler a heart attack? Seeing his gas bill
i just went to a bar god damn, it was one sharp crowbar.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there's nothing worth stealing in my car
Hearing a joke is like chasing a puppy with a club, eventually you get it.
What's Adam Sandler's favorite salsa? Medium Pace
It's so cold... I saw a gangsta pulling up his pants
"doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee
WIFE: omg Will Smith's son, Jaden, is dead ME: where'd you see that? W: Facebook M: I'm pretty sure that's a hoax W: no Facebook is real
*gets out of bed* *steps on something* me: Ugh *turns light on* wife: What is it? me: The cat caught another smart car
My friend who drowned just had his funeral the other day... We put a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted...
Why did the mexican push his wife over the bridge? "Tequila"
There's something I should tell you... "Oh god what is it" I have crabs "NOOO" *holds up two crabs* "Oh I thought you meant-" And HIV "NOOO"
What are Holocaust Deniers celebrating timorrow? The Fourth of Jew Lie!!!!
I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison. It's a pros and cons list.
"Oh, don't use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture." -Whistler's Mother
Why don't Jews play basketball? Because even if they miss the shot, they still ask for change.
HEY YOU GUYS! Last chance to date me before I call it a day and start wearing socks under sandals.
#rubbishjokes I don't like Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves.
Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks? So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.
Why are Asians bad at golf? They don't know how to drive.
A woman's legs are a lot like peanut butter It's much easier to get them to spread if you have a knife
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells "I voted" stickers.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C'mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Papa why is it that dentists call their offices dental parlors?" "Because they are drawing-rooms my son."
there should be a pill that makes you feel the kind of happiness you get when you play with puppies
A Ginger's skin goes... "YOU... SHALL NOT... TAAAANNN!!"
What does a rabbi do when life gives him lemons? Makes hacidic jews
A man gives his wife a glass of water and two aspirin His wife says, "What are these for? I don't have a headache." The man replies, "Great! Let's f***!"
Do you guys want to hear about my Friday night? I had quite an experience at home by myself. At one point I even picked my coat up from the floor. It was off the hook.
What mouse was a Roman emperor ? Julius Cheeser !
Have you heard about the two gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.
What's the difference between a priest and a zit A zit waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
It has been said that 25% of people have a distrust of stairs Because they are always up to something
A Medieval Escort I've been down on my luck, but today I was finally offered a job as a medieval escort. Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.
How do you know the Alphabet is celebrating Christmas? When there is no "L"
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it's your neighbor's window and they're calling the cops?
There must've been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.
The Government could have bailed out Hostess - by legalizing weed
An Australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?" The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"
How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
What is the oldest joke we have on record? (X-post) http://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/2krnv8/what_is_the_oldest_joke_we_have_on_record/
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off
Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
Just my luck... "I sure do like your finger in my pussy, but your ring hurts." "Uh, I'm not wearing any rings. Baby, that's my wristwatch..."
Americans won't get this Free healthcare
A little boy came running into the kitchen.  'Dad dad' he said 'there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face' 'Tell him you've already got one' said his father !
I like my women how i like my wine 12 years old and locked up in my basement. sorry i had to
For awhile I'm thinking about going out tonight...I haven't seen those blurry people that ask me how much I've had to drink for awhile!
How do red necks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin
How do you please an Amish woman? Give her two Mennonite
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a case of beer? He's okay. It was light beer.
How to prove JokeExplainBot is actually a human?
Guys, for Valentine's Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say "Will", "you", and "me." That'll keep her busy while you watch sports.
Why did the Polak cross the road? He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons ? Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train !
Son: Mom, how was I born? Mom: Well son, it all started when I asked the wrong man for directions.
What blood type do people from Taiwan have? Taipei
I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google.
What fever did Joe Dirt catch on vacation after getting bit by a mosquito? Deeeeeeeeeeengue
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won't be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know
What does a white girl with a lisp say? Yaaathh
What's the difference between Eric cartman and deez nuts? One is a dick from Southpark, the other parks south of my dick
I've fallen in love with a fellow ventriloquist's doll. But she's already spoken for.
"There can only be one!" -Arab eyebrows
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
When is an aardvark jumpy? When he's got ants in his pants!
Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Do not open is the most annoying clickbait title.
How do trains from different countries understand each other? With a trainslator
Why is the Pharaoh a rare tuba player? Because he Toots Uncommon.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
How do you get high underwater? seaweed! lol my friends 12 yr old daughter told us this one
"holy shit. i don't have much time left to live. better sit on as many benches as i can before i die."-old people.
How do you make your girlfriend cry while you're having sex? Phone her.
Dear time, more weekend please.
Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea ? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What's easier to pick up the heavier they get? Women
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
A friend and I are walking down the street When we see a dog laying in the yard , licking his balls. My friend says "I wish I could do that!". I told him " I bet that dog would bite you!"
Everything is made in China. But babies are made in Vachina 1
Riding a donkey If you are riding on a donkey and someone throws rocks at you til you fall off, does that mean you are stoned off your ass?
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door. "Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"
How do you break up an Al-Quaeda bingo game? Yell "B-52!"
[Pizza falls on the ground] Hold HOLD! -Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it's been a full five seconds.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!! Use your teeth.
Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I love doing crunches. *crunches Doritos* *crunches popcorn*
I got my IQ test results back They were negative.
What is this the difference between America and Greece? 15 years.
Wife's been out of town 96 hrs now & everything's gone to hell. We're all wearing patio furniture tarps & worshiping a boar head on a stick.
I dream of a world without war, without poverty and without girls who post sexy selfies with unrelated inspirational quote captions.
What do you call a black person that flies a plane? ...A pilot you racist piece of shit.
The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
How many reposters does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they have to steal it first.
What does a chemist say when he needs someone to pass the salt? "Please pass the salt."
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You Poke-m-on
What does a strong shoulder do when it doesn't know how to get any stronger? Shrugs.
Why was the pencil teacher always confused?
Finally came up with my new years resolution. I'm going to stop procrastinating!
I heard somewhere that wanking with a dead arm feels better... Totally ruined that funeral.
My girlfriend is like a Chipmunk... She's tiny, fluffy, and has a horrible voice.
Did you know Joe Montana and his brother have more super bowl wins than the Manning brothers? And Joe Montana doesn't even have a brother!
Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.
Why do you go to bed? Because the bed will not come to you.
Fight Club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, I showed up late so I missed the first few rules but it was awesome I love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
Hey what's something great from the 90s that they don't have anymore? The twin towers
Why did Sepp Blatter cross the road? To get to the other bribe
What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator? "Close the door! I'm dressing!"
No thanks, Party Casino; if I wanted to gamble when watching porn, I'd start the video with the volume on full and my door wide open.
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. She holds it still and waits for the world to revolve around her.
When I watch The Walking Dead I can't help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.
Where does a dog get a new tail? At the Retail Store
please stop adding flintstone chewable vitamin commercials to the episode list. they are not real flintstone episodes.
Two thieves were caught with a load of stolen batteries and fireworks... ...one of them was charged, and the other was let off.
Mmmmmm---let me kiss 'em !! Q. Do ya know when a strip poker game is starting to get good?? A. When somebody's got a big pair showin !!!
Why did the spy cross a road? Because he never was on your side.
My uncle Died after having a stroke... right as he came he had a heart attack.
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer.... and a mop.
Congratulations to Mumford & Sons for winning six "Golden Banjos" at the 2012 Boring Awards!!!
What is a Pokemon's favourite place to go in France? Paras
I'm tired of people complaining about trumps policies... so I decided to detail them out here
I think my girlfriend is breaking up with me for playing too much videogames.. She says its "just cause" but either way I think its a pretty silly thing to fallout 4..
Where would you find the scientist who loved to f$@k dogs? In the lab.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish.... And a Bass Pro Shop salesman will eat for a lifetime.
What do you call a privileged post office? Cis White Mail
Wife: "I think I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband's body [widow] no [Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband's body
If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I had a dream I was a muffler I woke up exhausted.
There's a thin line distinguishing "Heroes" from "Herpes"
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on chlamydia. The librarian says, "You're girlfriend already has it, she said that she gave it to you."
Hotel guest to desk clerk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." Desk clerk: "No, it's regular porn you sick fuck."
What is the correct way to refer to an OP who resides in Europe? The Continental OP.
How do you tell the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite Muslim? The Sunni's are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween? Because they're less bloody.
The only Clowns that I'm afraid of... Are the ones running for President...
Why do hippies wear patchouli? So blind people can hate them, too.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My eyes physically can't roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.
Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk
[Jewish joke] Did you hear about the old Mohel who got fired from his synagogue? He got the sack! [(definition)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohel)
If love at first sight was really a thing, I would've been married to Cheetara from Thundercats
What is space like without a space suit? Breathtaking
After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.
dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST! wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO! tin man: worst spring break ever.
Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that somewhere.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.
I hate jokes about AIDS. OMG! Me too, man! HI V!
TIL why Conservatives don't use birth control. Boys don't get pregnant.
Why was 6 happy to see 7? Because 7 ate 9.
What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's fart? One is a bar-room and the other is a BAROOOM!
What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry? A cantelope
What does a baker wear on his feet? Loafers.
What do you call really mean grass? *Agrassive*
Why did Spock dump his wife? ....because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so
I met my newborn neice for the first time last night and she didn't even remember me this morning. Bitch.
If the opposite of Pro is Con... What's the opposite of Progress?
I love it when the playoff picture begins to develop in baseball. That means football is beginning.
My Sister recently started dating a depressed German airline pilot She says his personality is really down to earth.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.
Knock knock Who's there? Obesity. Obesity who? Obesity is not a joke it's a wake-up call.
What do you get for opening the BEST Vietnamese soup joint in London? A great big pho queue.
My wife always bitches about me not putting the toilet seat back down So now I just piss in the sink.
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
A snail was mugged by two turtles. When the police asked him what happened, he said "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
Waiter: What can I get for you? Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked? M: By anyone other than my wife
Watch My lesbian friend gave me a Timex for my birthday. I don't think she understood me correctly when I said I wanna watch.
What do you get if you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow? Brown-chicken-brown-coooow [sounding like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R0aM2QHiFU)
Did you hear about that Muslim entrepreneur who invented springed prayer mats? His prophets went through the roof!
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl ? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message .
What the japanese version of mission impossible? Miso impossible
Why can't the dutch fly? Because they netherland.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Thank you for explaining the word 'many' to me. It means a lot.
Every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place. I think I need glasses.
I bet you think it's funny when... I bet you think it's funny when I have a runny nose. It snot.
Statistics show... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
The definition of irony... Is not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.
It's colder than a well digger's ass.
What did that cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his ass
My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes What can I say, I love dry clean humour.
Ever since I read an article about the danger of smoking I stopped reading.
I figured out Inception, guys. The whole thing was really a movie.
"Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?" "Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals."
Recent studies have shown that 5 out of 6 people enjoy gang rapes, and would be apart of one again.
Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the Nobel prize.
I'm officially unsubscribing from r/Jokes I'm sick of all the dumb puns, I'm quitting cold turkey Happy Thanksgiving people
What does as electronic engineer make for breakfast? Ohmlettes
There are two kinds of friends: 1. Friends with benefits 2. Friends with potential.
How do I like my eggs? Unfertilized, thanks.
Pedophile almost wins marathon... He just came in a little behind.
I dated a guy so arrogant he walked into a post while looking at his reflection in a store window. I left him. Unconscious on the street.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. that was it very short joke
Tony Romo, Michael Vick, and Eli Manning walk into a bar... ...to watch the playoffs.
I always hate going to my Rastafarian friends house its dreadful
Who is Hitlers least favourate character in star wars? Jewbacca
What's the biggest lie on the internet? "Thank you for **choosing** Comcast." Edit: fuck it, let's hear all the biggest lies you people know. Yes, I mean *you people*.
Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you 1. She is
Catholic church must be serious. Everything with Mass has gravity, after all.
So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I've got some news for her.
I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
I once swallowed two separate strings and they came out of my ass tied together. I shit you knot.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Its going to take me a while to get hard because I was just laid.
Girl, you're like school in june.. No class.
I told my physics teacher I had a problem with gravity. But he told me to drop it.
I love sex. O wait, guess it's not a joke.
Life's a bitch, Because if it was a slut, It would be easy.
I tried herbal tea at office today It tastes herbal.
what do use to lure really big fish? master bait
What's everyone's favorite past time, that always has the same outcome, yet does not have an arena or a proper league? Five on one.
Finally decided to throw away my favourite pair of socks but then i got cold feet
"Say, farmer....." Traveling Salesman: "Say, farmer, where does that road go to?" Farmer: "Well, I lived here all my life, it ain't gone nowhere yet."
Even though the country is called Iceland, its winters are actually quite mild. Guess they should have called it Chile
Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.
Trapped in a crevice. "Go on boy, get help." The dog chews off my one free arm. "Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess"
Friend: What happened? 15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses. Friend: What happened? 37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Oral sex makes your whole day.. ..Anal sex makes your hole weak..
Mayweather was boring tonight... If only they'd have thrown a woman in the ring, we could have seen him fight.
I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
Fact: It is against league rules for an NFL player to own a pet duck. It's considered a personal fowl.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
chicken &amp; KFC Q: Why did the chicken go to KFC? A: He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What did the flight attendant say to get the attention of the plane full of Kim Basinger clones? "Attention Basingers" hahaha
I had my identity stolen once. The next day I found it on my doorstep with a note saying, "F@ck you, you can keep it."
My favourite element is helium. I can't speak highly enough of it.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating
Why did Jon snow stand in line at the Apple store? For the watch!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -Henny Youngman
NSFW What's the difference between sex and lunch? Depends on where you put the cucumber. Worked in a fruit and veg shop, guy stopped me packing cucumbers to tell me that.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
A Priest and a Rabbi... see a little boy bent over. The Priest says to the Rabbi: "Should we fuck him?" The Rabbi says to the Priest: "Out of what?"
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists? He's afraid of the competition.
My husband and I make a good team. I'm about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he's taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say,"HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE!" (ba dum tss)
Which movie is on every man's bucket list? Die Hard
What type of car does a dinosaur drive? a priustoric!
Elephant meets a camel somehow. The elephant asks the camel why he has boobs on his back. The camel replies, "You don't have much to say because you have a dick on your face."
Have you heard the joke about the sky?? Well it's over your head anyway...
*Full parking lot* Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS! *spot opens up* Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!
I held the door ... open for a gorgeous blonde at the bar last night. My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me." I said, "What about that time you threatened to leave?"
What do you call it when a bunch of stoned poets overthrow the government? A Haiku.
Why do I only ran through campsites? Because it's past tents
As a lubricated finger was pushed into my anus, I couldn't help but think... That this wasn't any ordinary vet.
Why did the chicken cross the rode? To get to the other side.
Test joke I was gonna tell a gay joke butt fuck it
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
i'm really good at practicing how to pronounce something on a fancy menu for 10 minutes, then cracking under pressure and saying "that one."
[first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
A man walks down a street with his dog Stranger: hey that's a nice dog Man: yes but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down Stranger: ah how sad, why so? Man: he's fucking heavy
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone's asleep now. Grab the money.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman? Snow balls
10 indications YOU'RE the retarded FB friend ^
Open bottle, allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth -Beer
"Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
I cried when I cut up onions... Onions was a good dog.
Saw some snails fighting in my driveway... They were really slugging it out.
What do Saiyans and Kelly Clarkson have in common? (x-post r/funny) What doesn't kill them, makes them stronger.
Thank god my brother's getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Why do people looking for motivational seminars and people attending bodybuilding competitions keep accidentally going to each other's events? They both want personal growth.
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
A couple go to sex therapist Forget a spacebar and have a horrible time
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title "you are toilet man fight turtle monster"
the only one of its kind on this sub Want to hear a dirty joke? horse fell in the mud!
Have you heard about the calculus professor who tried some bad amphetamines and ended up believing he was a moth? It's the old meth math moth myth.
Thank you for clarifying that you'd bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
What do you get when you cross a Dachshund, a Schnauzer, a Shih Tzu, and a Poodle? A Wienerschnitzel.
$599... ... plus tax and shipping. *Let's see who gets that joke.*
I was touched when my slutty ex-girlfriend said she got a tattoo for me, but it turned out to be a heart with the name "Occupant."
Have you ever eaten an eyeball? Neither have I.
Why was there a whale in Wales in a well? We're not sure, its a deep subject....
OC Dr. Who joke what do Dr. Who's enemies do when they get dirty? Dalek themselves clean
How did the Mongols get to Europe? Steppe by steppe.
I'm an adrenaline junkie and an agoraphobic. I talked to the mailman through the door once, that was a rush delivered. Edit: delivered.
I have so much Astronomy work it's out of this world.
Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Two mathematicians were chatting online... 1st mathematician: Gimme 5! 2nd mathematician: 120
Why doesn't Pakistan have its national football team? Whenever they get a corner, they will set up a shop.
What do you call a sleepy Tumblr user? Napkin.
A baby seal walks into a club... Think about it...lol
Who did they cast as the Hulk"s dog? Bark Roofalo
Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive
I'm going to get a dime-sized spider tattooed on my penis. It's the only way I can get women to shout "Oh my God it's huge!" when they see my dick.
How did Jamie find Cersei in the long grass? Satisfying.
Things that we wished were delivered 1. Taco Bell 2. OP 3.
What is the hardest part of cuting a baby in half with a straight razor? My erection.
Priest in bathroom I walked in on a priest going on the bathroom and I was like HOLY SHIT!
Blackjack is a lot like my love life. I always hit on 16
Whats the difference between a performance by a female pornstar and an act by an escape artist? One is a cunning stunt, the other has a stunning cunt.
What do you get when you mix nosleep with eye bleech. sleep bleech
Why did no one ever consider Tony Stark (the Iron Man) a protagonist? Because he was always cited as the Anthony hero.
Tom Cruise was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. Still awaiting his response...
I just had to clean all the windows in my house. What a pane in the glass that was.
Why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows
The link between Eschatology and Scatology While no one really knows what will happen at the end of times, one thing is certain. It will all go to shit.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico? Because they couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.
Why do they call a "pap-smear" a "pap-smear"? Because it sounds a lot better than "cunt-scrape".
Whats brown and sounds like a bell? DUUUUUuU^nnnnnnnggggg^nnnnggg^nnnggg^nnnggg
I can't believe it's already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
What do you call a positive transformer? Optimist Prime
On Kashyyyk, Chewbacca's homeworld, would amateur junior-level warriors be called Rookie Wookies? :)
"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?" "Really? How?" "Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis." "That's terrible!" "Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."
What question must always be answered "Yes"? "What does Y-E-S spell?"
Dumb and Nobody in class... Dumb: Teacher!! Teacher!! Nobody is bothering me. Teacher: Kid, are you dumb? Dumb: Yes.
Did you hear about the fight in the bathroom? Shit went down
Surreal, wtf, insane Repost: Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. lolwut Any similar?
Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers? She heard he was a cowpuncher!
What grows on the World Wide Web and stings? Internettles.
Why were all the other vegetables afraid of celery? because celery stalks
What's the only type of dog that doesn't bark? A dogfish!
I was going to tell you guys more jokes about the Titanic passengers but I think they've gone overboard
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind doing a 5k but my running group is thinking of joining a 10k and I really don't like them.
4-year-old: What's "saying grace?" Me: It's when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus? A: He wanted to sing higher!
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
A guy walks into a bar... Alcoholism is slowly destroying his family.
Met a girl with 12 nipples today Sounds pretty odd, dozen tits?
How do you get down from an Elephant? You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck!
Until you've tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don't tell me about your drinking problem.
Ever have sex with a schizophrenic? It's fucking crazy.
I lost my virginity last week But it's fine. Turns out it was just between the couch cushions.
Most people think it is perfectly okay to recharge a battery. I think it's revolting.
You know the difference between a chick pea and a garbonzo bean? Nobody will pay to watch a garbonzo bean
Why are people giving something up for lint? I'm sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
Ban land mines now! It's time to put our foot down.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"
What Do You Call A Winery In Alabama? Vineyard Skynyrd
Why did the feminist cross the road? To kick a sleeping homeless man in the head and steal his money
How do you piss off a historian? Give them a tampon and say what period is this from?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth ME: Really? Which one? FRIEND: Katie ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth
Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field
What did the dad say when his daughter gave him gravel for his birthday? Thanks for sediments
Girl Logic: I'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and  a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
What do you get if you cross Dracula with a  snail? The world's slowest vampire.
I got 99 problems... and having a triple-digited number of problems ain't one.
Why is the next Windows version 10 and not 9? Because 7 ate(8) 9!
doctor: your test results have come patient: what does it say? doctor : but first , what is your zodiac sign? patient: cancer, but why ? doctor : what a coincidence !
If Oedipus was alive today he would've killed his mother for nagging and moved to California and married his father.
What do you call a white man on fire? A firecracker!
A man dies of an overdose of Viagra They couldn't close his coffin...
The St Louis Rams are moving to Los Angeles... And Im too lazy to move out of my parents house
Who let the dogs out? ~~Redacted~~ let the dogs out. - NSA File # ~~Redacted~~
[febreze commercial Take 1] We've blindfolded Steve and brought him into this room where we brutally murdered his family a week ago to demonstrate the strong odor fighting power of Febreze
I Just Started My New Job Performing Circumcisions... The base pay sucks, but luckily I get lots of tips.
Netflix reminds me of my girlfriend Probably because it's constantly asking me if I'm still here. Or maybe because it's not a real human being.
How do you castrate the pope? Kick the altar boy in the chin.
Endless shrimp. a.k.a sir we close at 10:30, you have to leave now Im going back in the morning and ask to continue
What did the male mountain say to his wife? What's the Matterhorn-y?
TIFU : I got the wrong zoo magazine Oops wrong sub
If you're a girl on twitter and you have no pictures of yourself, I'm automatically assuming you're a cat that learned to use a computer.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition Edit: Thanks Reddit for the upvotes, I'm glad you guys finally liked something that I posted. Thanks internet!
NASA announces rover "Curiosity" landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat...vow revenge.
Someone told me recently that the healthcare.gov website was built by a Canadian company. I guess that explains why the site is constantly freezing.
LPT: Never take advice from people on Reddit. Not even this.
If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
I went to the doctors the other day. I said "every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!" "Have you been taking anything for it?" He asked. "Yeah, pepper"
What do you say if you're testing a new firearm? "I'll take a shot"
I'm claustrophobic... I'm afraid of Santa.
What do nine out of ten people agree on? Gang rape.
At least mad scientists aren't mad enough to disregard the importance of safety goggles.
How are all these African-American's able to take off time from work to riot in Baltimore? Wait... nevermind
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few minutes Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I invented a new word. Blooptershlorfin. I figured "plagarism" has been invented enough times already...
In Dog Beers, I've only had one.
What did the horse get on his blood test B Neigh-getive
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning! *scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers* Judy: Hi!!! How are y..... Me: *walks away*
Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Did you hear about the movie,"Constipation"? ...it never came out.
On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.
I totally had gender with a girl. #thesaurus
What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common? Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"
The fact that we all attempt to look nice and go out and drink ourselves to death is proof that life is fucking terrible.
Do you love multiple trees? ...No. I'm mahogamous.
I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.
Don't joke about 9/11. My father died that day. I clearly remember what the last words he said to me were. ''Allahu Akbar''
What does FEMINISM stands for? **F**ighting **E**quality and **M**en to **I**nstitutionalize **N**arcissism and **I**gnorance and **S**top **M**eritocracy
This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club. I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.
My job testing fizzy drinks is really getting to me... It's soda grading.
Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
The Chicken or The Egg A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg rolls over in satisfaction and says, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
One of the most popular searches on pornhub is Minecraft porn I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.
"This is not the Droid you're looking for." - Obi Wan helping Yoda pick out a new phone
My son claims he "loves me," but the contents with which he fills diapers he KNOWS I'LL BE CHANGING suggests otherwise.
Man walks in on his son A man walks in on his son masturbating, and gets really mad "Hey, save that for when you are older!" By the time the kid was 18, he had three jars full.
Lol I wanted to be funny, well, then I remembered I am not even funny..
I have a problem with taking things literally. My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.
Why Colonel had a bunch of underwears ? Because, Brigadier General asked him to debrief his team.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.. Other times I let her sleep
An atom walks to a bar He tells the bartender he lost an electron. The bartender says, "Are you positive?"
My friend cooked up some otter the other day! It was otterly delicious.
A Photon checks in at an airline front counter. Agent says... Sir, do you have any checked baggage?' Photon replies, 'No, I'm travelling light.'
Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say... "I made coffee"
A man's wife gets angry about him switching to bitcoins He says "Why don't you switch to bitchcoins?"
I just found out how babies are made. Gross!
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Who wants to hear a Star Wars Spoiler? Darth Vader is Luke's dad.
Cute valentine joke - What's the difference between woman's face and ass? - None. You can fuck both.
What made the triangle high? Potenuse Credit: Key and Peele. I don't want to be like that kid in class.
What kind of jokestuff do farmers like? Corny jokes.
I was walking down the road... ...when the guy in front of me turned around and started throwing milk, eggs, yoghurt and butter at me. I thought, "How dairy!".
I love the way earth rotates.... ..it really makes my day
Women! They assume everything but the position.
I am going to follow a random gang of drunk girls around the night club tonight, and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I like my women like my coffee. Ground up in a bag.
Waxing. Not a cure for lycanthropy.
"Yeah, you're right, this shit is really hard. You wanna go get a milkshake or something?"-me as a personal trainer
Why don't pirates like anal? Because they hate having to clean the poop dick.
How can you open a banana? With a monkey!
"Yeah girl, lick my ass." - stamps
When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada! Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.
What do you call Judge Judy when she dresses like a vampire? Cunt Dracula
I like my women like I like my bikes. Chained up and locked down in my garage.
Why do rednecks like to do it doggie style? So they both can watch Nascar.
Not to 1up you but *drops green mushroom on your head*
Delivering the punchline too early. You know what's the only thing worse than delivering the punchline to a joke too late?
Hipsters were tensious before it was cool. Because they're pretentious.
People say Steve Jobs died too soon I think it was a fitting metaphor for Apple's attitude to battery life. -Frankie Boyle
How do you know when a grenade is thrown by a blonde? When you can pull the pin and throw it back
There's a man waiting on the bus Then the busdriver yells at him: get off the roof my bus!
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
What's better than four roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.
What do a short sighted Gynaecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose..
It's not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
What song do they play at a Jehovah's witness funeral? Knock, knock, knockin on Heavens door
Did you guys ever hear my joke about Ebola virus? It's a gut buster!
A cat gives birth in a public park... ...and is fined $50 for littering.
Why did the kids tell jokes to the mirror? They wanted to see it crack up!
How do you call it when an Irish person goes out for drinks? A bargain
GOD- "I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth" *Fish slip the LORD a $20* "On second thought how about a flood?"
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my chest
Calculus Joke http://i.imgur.com/4s8NLUO.jpg Not mine, but thought I'd share anyway. Hope you like it!
What commercials are the longest? Viagra
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.
"Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem," I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Hide a metal rake in your leaf pile to keep the neighborhood kids from messing it up.
If Gandalf was a women, what color would her robes be? Red.
"U put on suntan lotion?" "No" "Youll get sunburned!" *sun descends, his voice echoes loudly* "NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?"
Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.
Did you hear about the birthday party thief? I've seen some pretty crazy people at parties, but this guy definitely takes the cake
I recently found a girl using Chaturbate to play games and get tips. The other she was extra chatty.. If I wanted to watch girls pretend to play, I would go to Twitch.
Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gonna potate. Waiters gonna wait. Aligators gonna aligate.
What do you call a midget psychic wanted for murder? A small medium at large.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can SUMMON DEMONS
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.
If Donald Trump thinks America doesn't win anymore, he can tell that to Marvin Walters who won $100,000 playing Fun 5's in the Ohio Lottery!
Keep "Christ in "Christopher Lloyd" because without it, he'd be "Opher Lloyd" and that sounds like "overlord." Huh? I'll have a Sprite.
Did you hear about that earthquake yesterday? I heard it was groundbreaking.
What is a hairdresser's favorite herb? Salontro
I was diagnosed with colour blindness yesterday. The news came out of the purple.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
The propellor of a plane is actually a giant fan for the pilot When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
I just installed a marijuana app It has kush notifications.
I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.
MBA: A course that teaches you, how the world is financially screwing you over while financial screwing you over
So the Pope came to America and visited Obama and Hillary Clinton... If they don't walk into a bar, I say it was all for nothing.
I wish someone would leave a horse's head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse's head.
What do you call someone who begs for a free copy of "Return Of The King"? A free-LOTR
You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I'm a wreck if I don't get my full 18 hours of sleep
What did the computer say to the virus? scRAM
Police on bikes arresting someone: "You're under arrest. Get in the basket"
I thought one of the ten word-play jokes my dad told would make me laugh, but... no pun in ten did.
A baby seal walks in to a club. . . .
Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once. *pops jean jacket collar* I got marmalaid.
What event do the Porn Olympics and Summer Olympics share? Skeet Shooting
What do you call a mushroom who strongly believes in radical Islamism? a fungimentalist
What's the difference between Jack Daniel's and General Custer? Jack Daniel's is still killing Indians
A nazi walks into a juice store and asks for some juice The owner says, sorry, we got no juice
Hoes looking for attention... Haters looking for a mention... Welcome to Facebook.
I like my women how I like my cake. White, thick, moist, and in my mouth.
"Son, I found a condom in your room" "Gee, thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
What do you call a sauna massage? A saussage
What do zombie college students eat? Raw-men
how many /r/jokes user does it take to repost a joke? three. one to actually do it, one to complain that it has been done before, and another one to repost the said repost
What do you call a brewer's first beer? A rough draft.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Went to the corner shop... Bought four corners.
How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
What do you call a fusion between Batman and Superman? The krypton-knight.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. A: None they only screw the poor
"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all the scabs that were on your arms?" "Shut up and eat your cornflakes."
How do you call a car designed for midgets? Half a Romeo. I'll show myself out.
Why is it that there aren't much natural oil resources in China? They ate all the dinosaurs
I was wondering why the night had to be this long... ...Then it dawned upon me.
What did the flower say to the bicycle? Petal.
A blind man once told me, he smokes a lot because ... he got nothing to 'look' forward. Well, let just say that I 'see' his point......Ba Dum Tss!!!
What happens if you eat a hot frog ? You'll croak in no time !
I tried to use 'penis' as my password But it was too short.
Whats the worst thing about being dyslexic and having ADHD? You think you've got AIDS
There was a guy at the basketball court He tried to make a shot in the fog. He mist.
*standing outside your house I was totally going to stalk you but... *pets your dog instead
Obamacare? Yeah, more like "Turn your head and Kafka." Am I right?
Ay girl, your ass must be sitting on F5... Cause that ass is refreshing
What US state has a lot of dirty laundry? Washington
I had a bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
some penguins also can't fly because of their previous statements on Hamas and Afghanistan
Hi, I'm Captain Morgan and this is my uptight brother, J.P.
If smoking is so bad for you How come it cures salmon?
How do you pick up women in Auschwitz? With a broom &amp; dustpan.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My parole officer said "You know who you hurt the most when you go joyriding?" "Joy's husband."
Growing old is a lot like grammar The past is perfect and the present, tense
Which hotel does Link use when he goes on vacation? The HYAT
What did the oven tell the slice of bread? You're *toast*!
Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in 'Lincoln' he spent ten months on the side of a penny.
Not sure if you'll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you're done.
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial A young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. -- Some Sumerian, 1900 BC
TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway Whoops, wrong sub.
Where do amputee's go out to eat? IHop.
I'm a optimist ...at least I think so
What was the preferred magazine of the bear that hung out behind the library? Digest Readers.
Why did the bacteriologist quit her job? She hated being microbe-managed.
Do you know what looks funny?  s p o u ,no u p no
Have you ever traveled in time? How about now?
How does Vladimir Putin like his Thanksgiving turkey? Nuked
Objects in the mirror may appear like you've been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
How is a lonely twig like a piece of cling wrap? He can only stick to himself.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Use lubricant.
I gave my friend an elephant for his room He said: "Thank you!" I said: "Don't mention it."
Yo momma is so fat ... She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
Robots If robots were somehow about to sexually reproduce, they wouldn't have to change much. I mean they already have a binary system.
"Interested in mail enhancement?" Me: u mean 'male' enhancement "No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro"
Where can a hand refuel its car? At a fist pump.
I'm so upset- I threw a bukkake party last night, but it was a complete disaster. Nobody came.
Y'all know what they call Jamaica? Grease of Western Hemisphere. Disclaimer: Does anyone here know where this is from? Heard my friend say it, was wondering where he got it from.
I don't run with scissors. The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.
What do you find in a zombie's veins?  Dead blood corpuscles.
What do call a bad haircut you got from a Native American? A-patchy scalping Edit: Changed haircut to scalping. Because that's what I came up with this morning.
My doctor said I should stop thinking so much, it's bad for my health and could damage my liver He also say's I'm half deaf
Animation joke: what do animator's use to wash their mouths? a lip sync.
How do bunny rabbits like their beer brewed? With lots of hops!
Two tools watched TV, One saw.
My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room. She finished at 9. I am concerned on so many levels right now.
Why do librarians like the wind? It says, "Shhh!" all day!
What happens when Peter Pan tries to throws punches? They Neverland.
How do you kill a clown? DING DONG. Someone got the joke.
9/10 Redditors are idiots I'm glad to be the 1%
What is a kinda cool vegetable? Radish
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Our son came home one day with a note from his first grade teacher: Your son bit another boy today. Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Doctor doctor should I surf the Internet  on an empty stomach? No you should do it on a computer.
So i uploaded this sick new video to Youtube... Yeah, it went viral
Why was Jesus the father of exercise? Because he was cross fit
You want to see something intense? Visit a campground.
Tofu is really overrated It's just a curd to me.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If Netflix asks if you're still watching, tell the truth. I didn't & missed the first time my Netflix rode a bicycle on its own
So there comes a man at the bakery... Bakery closed.
"May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?" "Um, there's no such thing." "There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!"
Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty B: I don't think that's a weakness M: I don't give a shit what you think.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting drunk.
What is Shakespeare's favourite snack? Hamlet du fromage
What do you call a vegetarian that eats seafood? An omnivore
If only life could be like the movies!* *i.e., every time someone gets a nosebleed it means they'll be dead soon
My wife is a magician She turned our car into a tree.
A chinese couple moves to Africa and the woman soon becomes pregnant. 9 months later, the woman gives birth to a half African and half Chinese baby. The man names the baby Sum Ting Wong.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Because 'brunch' sounds better than 'I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.'
I think my cat might be a communist... Mao...Mao...Mao...Mao...
If ebola had a font it would be www.dafont.com/ebola-font.font
What did the Asian guy say about all the recent celebrity deaths? They're dropping like Freys!
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheistic insomniac? He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless the question is "What are you gonna do this weekend, Pauly?"
Life is like an asshole. Sometimes you don't get what you expect out of it.
[news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*
Why is the door knob? Because the key. (ok, i will show myself out)
are you human? (sorry) I am dancer
What's red and smells like paint? Red paint
I like my women like I like my coffee... Black and ground up in the freezer.
Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck? Because he was a neck-romancer....
Have you heard that China's panda project is disastrously failing? All of the pandas are dying of pneumonia. It's causing pandaneumonium.
My local Greek restaurant just started serving tacos and burritos.... I tried it earlier today and it turns out it's plain old Greecey Mexican food.
i need a hug(e amount of cash money)
Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? The only thing left was de-brie
I slept with a girl the other day, she called me daddy. I guess I have a Freudian prick
why did the tomato blush... he saw the salad dressing!
How long does it take a Mexican to build a.... And he's done.
What did Oscar Pistorius say when his cellmate asked him how he ended up in prison? "I'm stumped."
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it's the police.
What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
My dad always told me to follow in his footsteps... ... he died in quicksand
Why did the hipster drown? They tried to skate on the river before it was cool.
How do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not going to come.
What shoes does ninjas use? Sneakers.
A government scandal is like a pair of boobs... The bigger they are, the harder they are to cover up.
Why was Cleopatra angry? She was on her pyramid. Stolen from Whose Line Is It Anyway.
Why couldn't the physicist understand how boats work? He thought nothing could possibly travel faster than sea.
Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven't killed anyone yet
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since LAST Friday.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? ... Incase he got a hole in one. HEHE one of my favs. Whats your fav joke?
I had a failed amputation... Costed me an arm and a leg.
When you have kids, "sleeping in" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land? Because they really wanted a third's eye view!
Horrible Dubstep Joke Why couldn't the Dubstep artist be a chemist? He couldn't stop dropping the base!
The comedian made an entire audience laugh without speaking a single word No joke
These notebooks need to move on with their lives. Yeah "College Ruled", get over it. You're in the real world now.
What noise does a Hebrew train make? Jew jew!
What do you call 2 White Girls + A Starbucks? Basic Math
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Texting for beginners: STFU = Shut the fuck up. LOL = Shut the fuck up. LMAO = Shut the fuck up. ROFL = Shut the fuck up.
Mommy, mommy can I lick the bowl out? Noooo...just flush the toilet like a normal person......
What's the one thing pacifism and Hinduism have in common? Those who practice them don't want any beef with people.
A xenophobe eh? I'm scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn't call it a phobia.
What do you call a second-place winner at a pun competition? a punner-up.
Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too,,,,just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!
Promoting a film with "From the producers of..." is like advertising a sandwich with the words "From the supermarket that also sells jam".
What do you call a torn up wife beater A piece of "shirt"
When should I reach the bus station if the bus leaves at 1530 hrs? before 15:30 ... ^I'll ^show ^myself ^out
Job interview -It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. Whats 19x17? -36 -Thats not even close!! -But it was quick.
You'd think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
What can save Russian Bear Snow den.
"Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."
There's a hotel with no bathrooms Its called the Holdinit Inn
FRIEND: and this is my pug PUG: oink ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say "oink"
Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana
Why did the Ewok ESL student do so well with conjunctions? He felt at home with And/Or.
*gets to hell* [In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I could be Robin Hood if I had a bow and arrows and something to steal and give away and an old English accent and a gang of merry men.
The most inappropriate thing to say to the queen of England, I lick your stamps all the time.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
#NAME?
You can never lose a homing pigeon... If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
OP is in labour. Still can't deliver.
A islamic dial ripoff made a new type of hand soap. Aloe Akbar.
Sometimes girls look at me and say, "Mmm not bad." They don't say it out loud but I can tell they're thinking that.
I posed naked for a magazine today. Although from the reaction I got I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money.
People keep making apocalypse jokes... Like there's no tomorrow
How do you know if there is an elephant in bed with you? He has a big E on his pajamas.
What's a skunk's favourite game  in school? Show and smell!
I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room *giggles*
It would suck to be named Will in the army. "Fire at Will"
There are two types of people in this world, Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Wanna hear a joke? Never mind. I was going to make a black joke but I'll slave it for later? Wanna hear a virginity joke? Never mind, I lost it.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head] Owl: No I got it *rotates* Owl: Wait where'd it- *rotates* Owl: Ok help
What do communist leaders call protesters? Red paint.
What do you call a chicken coup with more than two doors? A chicken sedan.
What do you call a prostitutes first day on the job? A Grand Opening
Why are camels called the ships of the desert? Because they're full of Arab semen.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
Why do Gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers
Why did the cows return to the marijuana farm? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Knock knock Knock, knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us. Open up!
My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza. We laughed and laughed. Then I fired him.
I told my girlfriend two sentences "We need to buy a new car." "I am thinking about taking a break." She started crying. I mean, she could have just said she didn't like that type of cars.
Why do the Marines call it Parris island? Because they like to play with each other's oui oui.
Two melons were out for a romantic dinner. One melon said to the other, "Honey, dew you love me?" The other replied, "Yes, but I cantaloupe!" ### ...I'll show myself out
"I have a cure for your burning bush." "" Moses hitting on the ladies
Corny computer jokes? Why was the spider inside the Computer? He was looking for a webpage!
What did the magician's assistant say to the magician after the show? "Thanks for halving me."
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.
What's the first step to making your favorite Jewish dish? Preheat the oven
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing in her backyard? Neither did she.
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster's primal urge is to cluck defiance.
It's like my golf instructor thinks I'm mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered 'that's the brand my daughter used'
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken. Edited for spelling, even though the guy was a stuffy old turd about it. :D HEYOOO
Brussel sprouts are like anal sex. If you were forced to have them against your will as a child, chances are you won't enjoy them as an adult.
LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. (   )
"Rocky, come here, good boy. Sit down. Sit in the sofa...siiitttt!!!" said Sean Connery.
What happens if a line doesn't get enough Vitamin C? It gets curvy.
What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat.
You're a Jehova's Witness? What was Jehova accused of?
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? The rabbi cuts them off, the priest sucks them off.
How do you want it die? Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying.
What do you call a sinking ship from BP's Mexico division? A Pedro leak.
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. 
If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one... What type of sandwich would you make?
Catch Pokemon? No thanks. I'm STD- Free.
Well, you know what they say about nice guys... ..they always let girls come first.
My friend is a telemarketer. Sometimes, when he's relaxing, I'll call him out of the blue and piss him off.
April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
Doctor Doctor I've lost my memory! When did this happen? When did what happen?
The Game You just lost the game
I had a joke about the Baltimore Riots But someones already stolen it :(
Why was Roy Rogers upset when he fell off his horse? He wanted a Trigger warning.
What do black people drink during the Holiday Season? Nignog
My wife thought her water broke so we went to emergency. Turns out her bong just has a crack in it or something.
I named my house "shape", now I'm always in shape.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Women would be better serial killers if they didn't smile when people mention someone's been missing
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site."
"I'm THIRSTY!" "Can I have a drink?" "DAAAAAAAAD!" "I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!" See? My son can turn water into whine, too. Your move, God.
What's a baby hen called? Chic hen
If you're going to go house hunting, try to blend in with your surroundings. Wear aluminum siding.
A blind walks into a bar He said "Aw!"
Kevin and Stuart both named Bob as the sole beneficiary in their wills.... They made him a Multi Minion Heir
What is the opposite of an autistic? A Socialist.
I'm drafting a plan to make more guy friends. So far all I have is "Don't say "super" as often" and "Talk about beards." I'm super jazzed.
Why Is A Man's Mind Dirtier Than A Woman's? A woman changes hers more often.
"We need to talk". Thought the caveman.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
If you look up my hair color history at the salon, you'll think I'm a unicorn.
Having a dirty mind is okay, but having a clean heart is much more important.
When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow into pasture.
Whats the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.
The best things in life are free. Fuck vowels.
how many straight Vassar men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.
Watching the basketball game with my dad... Me: Do you think Irving will score a three pointer in the last couple minutes? Dad: I don't know, that's quite a long shot.
I like my coffee how I like my women With big tits
They cut the hole in my Fallout disk to small. I can't fit my dick in it.
What's the difference between a homeless man and a trash can? One of them gets taken in every once in a while.
Why do the French like Easter? Because it's such a bonne idee.
How did the chicken cross the freeway? Take the "F" out of "Free" and the "F" out of "Way".
Did you hear about the fight in the candy store? Two suckers got licked
He called me ugly.... I called him an ambulance.
What does a computer eat when it's hungry? Chips -- one byte at a time.
How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn't belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.
PERIOD! how can you tell the Romanian woman was on her period? she was wearing one sock
Me and my girl on my birthday are like an organic compound with an aldehyde group Always ends in -anal
You are a lioness and I am your lion.. ..now be a good lioness and bring me some food!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? It was 2 tired...
Reddit, You are too cool... ...you give me frostbite.
The Duracell Bunny was in deep trouble... He just got charged with battery
You know you're drunk when... ...you get home, put food in the microwave, and then enter your pin number.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn't cute.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what's going on.
My wife asked me, "Where's your wedding ring?" I said, "I had to wash my hands so I took it off and placed it on my lover--I mean your mother's kitchen counter."
Babies are just footballs that can cry.
These Egyptian fireworks are nice. Oh wait, they are planes.
What's the difference? What's the difference between jam and jelly? I CANT JELLY MY COCK DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!
How many corporate drones does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's impossible, because they can't climb the ladder.
I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.
My heart say "Yes" But my mom says "No"
The dad asks his son: "What has four legs and isn't alive? Son: "nice try, a chair!" Dad: "Nope. Our dog just died."
Why do Baptists forbid premarital sex? Because they're afraid it could lead to dancing.
What instant coffee and Sasha Grey have in common? 3 in 1
Today someone told me that they run into things a lot So I told them that they should walk more
I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers...because I can always count on them.
What is one item which has never been affected by inflation? Deer's Balls There are always under a buck
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
What did the man in a rush say to his bowel movement? "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR SHIT."
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
"susan. SUSAN IT'S WORKING GET IN HERE" -Moses practicing parting the water in the bathtub
Do you suppose there was much disagreement over what to call the Honda Accord?
What do a zip lock bag and a walrus have on common? They both like a tight seal
Two silkworms had a race It was a tie
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
[meta] why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other bar!
Food Network makes me feel like a perv: Beat it It's not moist enough My wrist is tired Look how thick it's getting It's all about flavor
Job interview... (Two men are in an office going through a job application) Manager: ... so, what do you do in your spare time? Applicant: I make clean calls to women and hang up.
How does a conceptual artist change a light bulb? He calls it a work of art.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Need Help with a prank I stole a co-workers pen the other day, (really nice pen) as a joke. I want to send them a ransome letter. Can anyone help me out? Thanks
Hungarian mom yells at her son: "Take off your underwear... ...and put it back on properly: Yellow front, brown back."
So a farmer goes to the doctor... And the doctor says, "I need to talk to you about your overall health." and the farmer says, "Well my overalls are just fine thanks you!".
What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon? He got lemonaids.
What's the Welsh word for shearing a sheep? Foreplay
This week, paleontologists discovered a blind dinosaur They named him Doyouthinkhesaurus
What did the golfer say to his buddy when he hit a bogey? "I guess you aren't up to par"
If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.
If at first you don't succeed Skydiving may not be for you
YikYak Trivia Crack give the dog a bone... How could I ever shit without my phone?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I have a condition that makes my heart rate jump when I see a poorly dressed person. It's called tackycardia.
How do you make rude noises on the Internet? With a whoop e-cushion.
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND *holds up a cat*
What do you call an Arab who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist motherfucker.
What was the name of the Polish limo driver? Piccop Andropoff.
A comedian dressed up as Santa tells a joke to a man The man laughs so hard he can't stop and is about do die. Just before he dies, though, he looks at the comedian and says, "You sleigh me."
Why did the caveman not take Viagra? Because he was rock hard.
when you write a word and it looks wrong but it's right and you just sit there and contemplate life
Food service workers should be completely hairless at all times.
What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker.. And a prostitute with diarrhea..? An epileptic oyster shucker, shucks between fits..
I'm fantastic in bed I can stay asleep for 15 hours!
What is a rapists favourite vegetable? Beat-root
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Well we're having it tonight. It's [wats](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wat_%28food%29) for dinner!
I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.
what do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? a gang rape
I just invented a new word. Repost
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
How do you make someone Holy? You beat the hell out of them.
I asked a new zealander how many sexual partners he has had. He fell asleep counting.
Thinks face-book should add a big fat FUCK YOU button!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bette ! Bette who ? Bette of roses!
Friends are a lot like snowmen... They tend to go away when you piss on them.
If someone tells you he can swallow a whole coconut... ...let him do it, it means he has complete trust in his anus :d
Last night I had a dream I ate 10 lb. marshmallow. When I awoke, I could not find my pillow.
What is it called when you kill a good friend of yours? Homiecide
What's a Norwegian's favourite car? A Fjord Fjesta
*calls 911* Hey, I found some big guns. *Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Fill the pinata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Why did the blonde call an exterminator? Her computer had a bug...
What do you call women who are faster than me? Virgins. Sorry if it's a repost, I'm fairly new here.
I asked the barista for a Nyquilatte. He was really hairy, like a werewolf. A "wereista" if you will. I may have already had some Nyquil.
What's black and blue and hates sex? ... a rape victim
Ted told me i'm a dick... I said i'm not addicted.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed] ME: [Crying] this can't be happening GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Never fall in love with a tennis player Love means nothing to them
What do you call a drink with problems? Dilemmanade
PMS jokes are not funny period.
The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I'm going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween?  Take a snorkel.
How do you know a car is from Poland? The Polish.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
A man walks into a bar And stays there my entire childhood
What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.
Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?  - A: It's meow-sic to their ears!
What do Ethiopian's and a pair of jeans have in common? They both have flies on them.
Why is a physicist's dream vacation in Alaska? Because of all the cold fission it has.
[interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard And they're like We're gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Maybe you should get your own life so that you can leave mine alone, bitch.
America's Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.
What we can say Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't. But white people can say things that black people can't. Like "thanks for the warning officer" and "hi dad"
What do you call a fat Chinese person? Double Chin
What's black, white, and red all over? White emo kids.
Boss: Where's the progress report I asked u for Me: I haven't made any progress that's my report What I imagine it'd be like if I had a job
For me, eating fast food is like going out on a date and finding out the person you're with is racist. Either way, you're going to end up alone in your apartment using up all the toilet paper.
I told my wife that size shouldn't matter so she went out shopping and bought my "boys room" a new 4 inch TV.
Sex is like grammar. Not all guys do good at it.
The other day I was almost arrested for mooning. Public indecency, my ass.
A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said "You know you really need help" "Yes I do" said the elephant "get this kid off my foot !"
My New Year's resolution is to stop eating so much candy, so I can focus more on cookies.
If a mathematician were to be any part of a kitchen which would he be? The counter.
What's the difference between a woman in the bath and a woman at church? Well... the woman at church has hope in her soul.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school? A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever.
Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them
I bought a pair of sneakers from my drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with because I have been tripping all week.
"You knew what you were getting into, Charlene" "Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage" "YOU READ MY BIO"
I met a deaf gynecologist today.. Apparently, he reads lips. (Obligatory: posted this in /r/dadjokes, thought this sub might like it as well.)
"Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile..." *wakes up in cold sweat*
Why i love redheads? Because if roof is rusty it's always wet in basement.
Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team? Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is already over the border!
What do you call a (insert racist minority slur here) on a brand new bicycle? Thief. What do you call TWO (insert racist minority slur here) on a brand new bicycle? Organized crime.
How did jew get beer? He brew
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin's kids?
What do you call an anti-diuretic wine? Penot More
What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside? "Shomething'sh Amish..."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look at the fresh prints.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention ME: so... stop, collaborate, and listen? BOSS: you're fired
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
What do you call a black person flying an airplane? A pilot, you fucking racist!
What's it like being frozen to absolute zero? It's 0K.
So I had sex with this Asian girl the other day... She didn't speak much English, but I think she liked it. She kept on screaming "Wong Ho! Wong Ho!"
Did you hear about the convention last weekend for women with no legs? There was pussy crawling all over that place.
A Clickbait walks into a bar... You won't believe what happened next!
What is black and smells like blue paint? Black paint.
I entered a pun contest... ...on the radio last week. I won.
TIL that the famous teacher Anne Sullivan once accidentally taught the wrong class after the legitimate teacher couldn't make it and the alternate teacher was late. Whoops, wrong sub.
Ben Carson is the best sleep walker ever Sometimes he wakes up and finds out he's standing on Republican presidential debate stage.
I must be fucking great in the sack Every girl I've ever had sex with has told me she wishes it had been longer!
My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels. I think he took a fence.
If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.
I'm not letting anyone into my head until I've cleaned up the place.
I know a good story about juice.. .. It's pulp fiction.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.
Why does Africa never win Olympics Because it's a continent, You idiot
I am so poor... I cant even pay attention.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't. That's it. That's the joke.
What is the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with terrorists
A joke about mermaids and humans: If human pussy smells like fish, does mermaid pussy smell like human?
President Obama announces his intention to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court "I can't wait until I'm in a position to have a real impact on the country!" said an excited Obama.
I think horoscopes are absolute tosh. But you know me, typical Virgo.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your cock into a girls mouth
Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."
Q: Where do bees go on their day off? A: To the wax museum.
Brexit's new vowels AIO Since it left E U
Anal, Something I'd get behind!
How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.
Overpopulation is a bitch... ... and no matter how you think about it, the world would be a better place with Fuhrer people in it.
I'm at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
What's a lawyer's favourite pastry? Suet
Why do people regard the middle east as the holy land? Because they're constantly drilling for oil.
barista: name for the latte? me: it's Zach with an "h" *two minutes later* barista: i've got a latte for Hach
What do you call it when you grind your teeth because you are bugged you forgot your dental floss? Flossless compression!
When is a man smartest before, during or after sex? During that's when he's plugged into the know it all.
did you the one about the girl who lost a cucumber I her vagina? two weeks later out popped a pickle
Where does the Internet football team play? Webley.
Wtf this movie was not at all like the book! Friend: It was, are you sure you read the book? Sure I did. I read between the lines.
Why do software engineers tend to not care about trigger warnings? They're not trigger errors.
My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
What does a rich fat Englishman gain? Lots of Pounds.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
"Wanna hear a joke?" "Alright then." "What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?" "I don't know," "You're disgusting."
I don't know why people object to CIA torture methods. Who doesn't like to go water boarding?
Hey woman , are you a beaver?! Cuz' DAMN!
Why are mosquitoes annoying? Because they get under your skin.
Despite whatever Gene Simmons says, Chuck Norris IS Doctor Love.
Why didn't the Indian grow facial hair? He would have Apache beard
I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...
To the guy who invented zero... Thanks for nothing.
I made a drink called Hit The Road Jack It's Jack Daniels mixed with methanol. (Blind jokes are the best kind)
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Tragic.
I'm not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bruce ! Bruce who ? I Bruce easily don't hit me !
Sitting Indian Style When I was in third grade the teacher told us to sit Indian Style. So I drank a 30 case of beer and laid in a gutter.
What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Lukewarm.
[NSFW] What's long, cylindrical, hard, full of semen and can make a woman scream? The sock under your bed.
What do iPhones eat for breakfast? Siri-al
What kind of shorts do clouds wear ? Thunderwear
Superman: How'd you know? Lex: Know what? S: My secret identity! L: Whaddya mean? S: You called me a KENT!! L: That's NOT what I called you.
What is the South American Music Scale? Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti No (This is a joke I wrote a loooonnngg time ago, tell me what you think.)
My girlfriend killed my cat She claims that she is the only pussy I need.
I can't say enough good things about my grandmother. She just isn't very nice.
The new Doctor Strange trailer just dropped... It's Mind Bendingdict ^^^Cumberbatch.
A man walks into a bar... Ouch!
I just found a great new way to check email, Facebook, Twitter, chat with friends and buy stuff on eBay, all from one spot. I got a job.
cool funny jokes don't miss 'em
Chuck Norris doesn't get hangovers. He just gets pissed.
Ketchup bottle farts are just as funny as people farts.
You think you can take me, tough guy? I'd like to see you try. Seriously, anywhere fun you might be going. Take me with.
I like my women how I like my fish. Battered. I thought of it all by myself! :D
What's the difference between a Mexican and a park Bench? The bench can support a family.
When does Sean Connery like to show up at Wimbeldon? Tennish.
A reporter asks Chess genius, Gary Kasparov:"What do you prefer -- chess or sex? Gary replied, "... depends on the position."
I made a deposit at the sperm bank last night. She really hates it when I call her that though.
What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant? Go big or go home
Where did the ADHD kid spend his summer? (Dark) At a concentration camp.
My kids tell me I drink too much. It's funny they don't make the connection.
Daughter yells "I love bananas, the bigger the better". Wife and I laugh hysterically, Then I die a little inside.
Have you ever tried North Korean food? Neither have they
What's the difference between a leprechaun and a hooker with 5 STD's? Well one of them is a cunning runt.
Narcos + Sushi thought for the day: How have I never come across a roll called the "Pablo Escolar"? That is all. You may laugh now.
Who makes more money, a hooker, or a drug dealer? The hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again
I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing.
[Me as 911 Operator] *phone rings* I wait for it to stop ringing and text back "what's up"
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? A: Her crayons are still sticky.
My wife keeps complaining about her nine to five job I must admit, 4:51 is a strange time to start work
You won't drink away the alcoholism.
I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb Then I realized that my life was a joke...
I was doing a Maths exam yesterday. I looked up to find the lad at the next desk staring at me. I said, "What the fuck's your problem?" He said, "The square root of 144."
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can't even find ACME anvils on ebay. THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Funny, those Baby Einstein videos don't mention anything about how he fled Baby Europe to escape the Baby Nazis.
I eat when I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat.
What was the philosopher's last thought before he descended into quicksand? I sink therefore I am.
What do you call a politically powerful shrub in Jamaica? A hegemon.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a good chat. Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
A little boy asks his Dad a question A little boy says, Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.' Son,' says the dad. That happens everywhere.'
What's an author's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird. (Yes I know it's horrible :P)
I saw your girlfriend kissing another man... - And what she was wearing? -- A White and Gold dress. - Oh she is not, my gf is wearing a black and blue dress
What's the cleanest country in the world (in the eyes of the Germans?) Nigeria.
So i asked my girlfriend if she faked it yesterday.. She said "No, i was really asleep"
What did the Scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of Helium? HeHe
What did the drowning number theorist yell? LOG LOG LOG LOG
LEONARDO DECAPRIO WINS AN OSCAR... ... oh wait, it's not a joke this time.
TIL that the toothbrush was made in Arkansas. If it was made anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.
Not to be vague, but stuff and things
One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? TUH KEELLUHHH!!!
My coworker and I have the same job title with the same number of years experience. He was pissed when he found out my salary was only a fraction his. Turns out that fraction is 2/1
I love 2-packs of Coors Thug life.
I also like my women how I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.
What kind of fish does Google have in their lobby? [betta]s
What do you call a knighted cow? Sir Loin
Why did the hick move to a toxic waste dump after winning the lottery? They heard it was a Superfund site.
My essay question is: "The best Track and Field event is the one where they throw the circular object as far as they can." "Discus."
A man walks into a bar... Ouch.
Frog parking only. All others will be toad.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Just had my first threesome but it was not what I had envisioned. The other two guys seemed to like it just fine.
I know they don't recommend ibuprofen during pregnancy but I needed something for the hangovers.
"My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Espanol?" "No, he's a labrador."
I saved a bunch of money on car insurance By switching to reverse and fleeing the scene
What shoe size does a quadriplegic wear? 26" rims
My brother and I were playing chess, and I said to him 'care to make this interesting?' He said 'sure'. So we stopped playing chess.
Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs? Michael Bay Leaves
If your problem can be solved by: Naps Cake Drugs Alcohol or Murder Then you don't really have a problem.
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin ? There was some money in the kitty !
Who comes up with these names? A casino novice like me can get into real trouble at something called a craps table.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.
Q: What's black white and read all over? A: A newspaper.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Where did Susie go during the bombing? Everywhere.
I have to be honest, I prefer the modern 8 bit byte to the older 7 bit byte I like big bytes and I cannot lie.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escapes from a prison? A small medium at large.
My internet bride got delivered today ...she's the WiFi always dreamed of. source: [Sickipedia](http://sickipedia.org/) (nsfw text)
Have you ever tried sex when camping? It's fucking intense...
Everytime I text my new boss, his only response is FU! I should have expected it. They all told me he was a man of few words.
what do you call a small woman with no nipples? pointless.
My favorite pickup line.... Hey, smell this... does this smell like chloroform?
Why did Burger King and Dairy Queen have a baby? Because Burger King forgot to wrap up his Whopper
What did UK say while leaving? It's not EU, it's me
Why did Bruce Jenner become invisible? because he's a transparent.
[DJ] A man dug three holes and said.... Well, well, well... Yes [DJ] = Dad Joke warning It's honestly my dad's favorite joke.
What is the difference... What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three hoes.
Before you ever criticize someone... walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
Shouldn't Godzilla be fighting Satanzilla?
How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3/5
When I couldn't pee once, I told my penis, "Come on! I know urine there".
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.
What's Bigfoot's favourite exercise in the gym? Sasquats
Why do hippie girls love playing the didgeridoo? Its as close as they will ever get to sucking a trees dick.
What does Santa and Hackers have in common? They both steal cookies ;)
How do you find a naked man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
ad for a wife A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar... The bartender says "Why the long face?"
Why is incest so fun? Because it's a game that the whole family can play.
A student told the teacher when he grows up he wants power. The teacher replied well your gonna first need to learn algebra..lol
Yo mamma's so fat she had her ears  pierced by harpoon.
I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator. See, hating people can be healthy!
What European city is home to the most Indians? Buddha-pest.
What has four legs and quacks? A paradox
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard... Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard to get the dog a bone. But when she bent over, Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.
Q. What is black and white and screams? A. A nun falling down a flight of stairs.
I was in the park the other day wondering why the frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets... And then it hit me.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we both are... But I laugh more.
Two parrots were sitting on a perch... One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"
My "I'm enraged!" status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don't read well.
If my open tray table can really hinder a landing we really need to rethink the whole air travel thing.
Religious groups put on performances for an audience The Christians put on a hell of a show, the Jews knocked their socks off, but the Muslims blew them all away.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! THOR: "here" IRON MAN: "here" HULK: "here" PHIL COLLINS - "here" ... ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[me, to my brother] I can't believe we've never been to Coachella [my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
What did the Chinese food say to the patron? "Please, don't eat me! I'm Egg Foo Yung to die!"
Toilet humor So I visited the bathroom this morning and said hey toilet how was your Christmas? Toilet replied probably better than yours, I wasn't visited by a bunch of arses!
I was going to make a bass joke but I dropped it
What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock? Ark-n-Saw.
MOM DON'T COME IN!! *mom opens door & you're playing with pokemon, except they're real* HOW MUCH OF THE TRUTH ARE YOU READY TO HEAR MOM
woodpecker What did the woodpecker say to the doughnut? You got the sweetest hole I ever stuck my pecker in.
I'm starting a new diet. It's called 2 Dollars a day until the end of the month.
Excercise adds years to your life... ... for example, I went jogging for 3 miles this morning, and I already feel like I am 65!
I decided to put certified SCUBA diver on my resume. That way they know I can handle intense pressure on the job.
It's a joke, not a dick don't take it so hard
I have a lot of wisdom in regards to oral hygiene. I'd consider myself a flosserpher.
How do you have nasal sex? Fuck knows
Why did the Priest go to Walmart? Because the little boys pants were half off.
What do you get when you cross an East African terrorist organisation with a fast food delicacy? Al-Kebab
Whats the best way to get over a girl? Get under another one
I once had a girl who wanted to shit on my chest She really did a number on me
I haven't shaved my beard in a couple days It's starting to grow on me
What do pennies and fat chicks have in common? Unless you're broke and desperate, they're not worth picking up.
The only way for America to not fuck up in the next election. Vote for Bill Clinton. Left the nation with national Surplus, and he got his dick sucked doing it.
So, Burt and Ernie are just sitting at home, when Burt looks over at Ernie and asks, "Hey Ernie, do you want to get some ice cream?" Then Ernie said, "Sure Burt."
Your wife and your lawyer are drowning. You have a choice to make: Lunch or the movies?
No one wants to talk about Dracula's defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
How did Chuck Norris solve the dwindling oil reserves problem? Ctrl - C, Ctrl - V
Drugs don't ruin people's lives, drug tests do.
Jared from subway really took the company motto seriously. You could say he liked to "eat fresh"
What do you call a French human delicacy? Estruckgo I came up with this while drinking french vodka. I am a horrible person when i drink french vodka.
Those of you who believe everything you read on the internet probably also believe there's hot local singles in your area.
Why did the viper want to become a python ?  He got the coiling !
I saw a sign that said "watch for children". and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
Wake up, kids! Bees can't even read, much less spell. IT'S A SCAM!
A football supporter's favourite  Christmas song? 'Yule never walk alone'
I'm not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won't make eye contact with me.
What's the longest piece of furniture in the  school? The multiplication table.
There is little hope for the person who becomes addicted to cold turkey.
If you give a developer a cookie... they'll tell you why it's really better to use local storage.
Where does the brown sugar go to watch a movie? The Cinemon.
What's long, brown, and sticky? A stick.
How many Dubstep fans does it take to catch a fish? Three. One to fish and two to catch the bass as it drops.
What do you call an italian hooker (with part 2) A pastatute Where does a pastatute live? The spaghetto
StackOverflow developers have the hardest job on the internet. When the site goes down, they have to fix it without StackOverflow
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN'T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I tried eating a whole llama once. I couldn't finish it, so I figured "Eh, alpaca lunch for tomorrow."
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living.
For those of you wondering what it's like to be married, I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
What's the best part of a redneck brothel? The family discount
My friend recently passed away after eating some poisonous mushrooms It's pretty sad, he was a really fungi!
How did the Sex Ed teacher explain buttsex to her students? She used an analogy
Blonde joke Two blondes walk into a bar, the third one ducked.
When I was 18 I got Coal from Santa Yup, raising Cole as a single mom was a punishment for being bad, I guess.
My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
the one joke that i just dont get so how bout that airline food
If I were Lex Luther, I'd just send Superman a bunch of gift certificates to Taco Bell and let him do my work for me.
[The Second Coming] Jesus:"People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God's love an-" Voice from the crowd:"DO THE WINE TRICK"
Smooth Farmer Whats a farmers best dating advice? A tractor
What has four legs and can fly? Two Birds!
What do you call an amputee that can't answer riddles? Stumped
What did Hagrid say to Harry Potter after Harry had a mishap with some potions? "You're a lizard Harry!"
Frodo collected the keys to Macy's, JCPenney, McDonald's, etc. and put them on a single key ring It was one ring to rule the mall.
I just took a poop so black, I sent an Instagram of it to Kim Kardashian and she asked what team it plays for
What does the world of politics have in common with my toilet? They're both clogged with shit.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
What does walking on a broken suspension bridge and getting head by a gay-guy have in common? It goes well aslong as you don't look down.
What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? One is against the law, the other is a sick bird. Thanks folks, tip your waitresses I'll be here all day!
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
How can you tell if a fencer is a redditor? By how often he ripostes.
Hey guurl. "Hey there." Feeling lonely tonight? "I have a boyfriend." Why are you talking to me then? "You haven't taken my order yet."
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I'm teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
My parents always said no drugs before marriage After that.... they just understood.
Why is there no scope for dealers/middle men in the field of extractive metallurgy? Because he/she who smelt it, dealt it.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
It's important for a dentist to know advanced mathematics They often have to deal with calculus on the job.
What is the difference between a human and a potato? Time
Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic? Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.
What do you call a man without shins? Tony. (A joke created by a non-redditing friend)
How many sex addicts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but they'd have to be really tiny.
All else being equal... A fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
For every chick that's crying about no good guys out there...there's a dude she's ignoring that's good to her.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.
What do you call an Ethiopian family photo A Bar Code.
I saw a how-to page on record scratch and DJ techniques. It was a wikki-wikki Wiki.
Waiter I can't eat this meat it's crawling with maggots ! Quick run to the other end of the table and grab it as it goes by !
What do you call a bunny in a kilt? A hopscotch
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Who did Alaska vote for? Berrrnie Sanders H/T: wife
What does a confused owl say? What? --- ^^^as ^^^enjoyed ^^^by ^^^/u/Traetus ^^^[here](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qws98/i_used_to_have_sex_daily/cnao23o?context=3)
It was announced today that General Electric bought the Italian airline, Alitalia The new company will be called GenItalia
________________________ With all the bad puns going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.
Congress looks like the worst group project ever.
I only drink twice a year When it's my birthday, and when it's not
What do you get if you cross a  hairdresser with a werewolf? A monster with an all-over perm.
What do you call a steak that is cooked wrong? A mistake
My husbands signature move is running to town "real quick" and coming home 5 hours later.
What do you call a used rubber in a church parking lot? Family practice
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.
Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said "Sir, it looks like your mother in law has been hit by a bus" I replied " I know, but she has a great personality."
What does a Mexican say when a house falls on them. Get off me homes.
Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the 2nd one would have ducked...
My fortune cookie says "You will attain the highest levels of intelligence." Does anyone know where I can find fedoras for cheap?
Ladies ... I will solve the argument of the proper skirt length for you. The proper length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite
Call me faithless, but I just can't believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
What do you call a group of eight cowards? Octopussies.
What do you call a sapling in the military? An Infantry! (Infant tree, a sapling is a baby/young tree? Ah forget it!)
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I like my women like I like my wine... Six years old and locked in a cellar.
What do you call a black man being killed by the police? A warning shot.
If I spray a mosquito with mosquito repellant... Will he be so filled with self loathing that he commits suicide?
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I bet pain pills are really disappointing to masochists not familiar with the language.
i like to write the word "gullible" on the ceiling then say "hey, look it says gullible on the ceiling." i don't really understand jokes.
What did the whistleblower say after the blizzard in Russia? I'm Snowden!
Developers with New Game Ideas "Ok I got it. Here's my epic title. Patent pending! Subjugate The Rest of the World...sounds fun right?" Where do I have to travel to play this game?
You'll never believe what this Reddit User did after finding out he clicked on a clickbait article! Curiosity... gets you every time...
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil...
Comedy Club I sent a comedy club my resume. They looked at it for a second, and laughed their asses off. I thought it was a good sign. I never heard back. Now I work in Corporate America.
If a guy is the one that plows the girl than doesn't that make him the hoe?
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Whats the difference between a genie and a genius? A genie grants wishes, while a genius wishes for grants. Source: http://explosm.net/comics/3155/
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Coworker: You're so condescending and arrogant. Me: They mean the same thing so you didn't need to say both.
A Blonde texts her friend A blonde texts her friend and asks "what does IDK stand for?" The friend replies "I don't know" The blonde texts back "shit, no one seems to know"
What do you call a German Pregnancy? A kinder surprise
Dad said I need to be the rock for a friend who is having a tough time. Currently practicing that eyebrow thing & wrestling moves.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a nickel. I'd prob'ly make more if I tickled his pickle.
What did one radical muslim say to the other after a successful day of bombings? Jihad a chance, and you blew it.
Why do Polish people's names end in 'ski'? Because they can't spell toboggan.
My penis is so long When i put it on my keyboard, it covers all the way from A to Z
Q: What's a frog's favorite drink? A: Croaka Cola.
For decades now microwave designers have labored under the false assumption that people want extra features on their microwave. They don't.
Q: Why were the suspenders arrested? A: For holding up a pair of pants.
My girlfriend is a keeper. She's perfect, but I never score.
How much energy did Hitler use during his reign? 6 million killajews
How did the love seat get pregnant? Because the couch didn't pull out.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it's from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
What food can tell you if a girl is pregnant? Chickpea
Why can't Jesus play Football? He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses? A: He's afraid of the draft.
I don't see the point in my elderly neighbour subscribing to local newspapers ..... If all she is going to do is let them pile up outside her door.
What do you call an unemployed Nazi? Laid-off Hitler!
I remember back when the media didn't have to invent names like "polar vortex" to tell us that it is cold during winter...
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street...... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
My friends dog just died, he told me he wanted another one just like him... ...why whould you want another dead dog?
Fairly Dark Joke I really hate it when people tell jokes about suicide. So whenever they tell them, I just stare at them instead of laughing. That'll show them. That'll show them all.
What letter appears most frequently in the word CANADA?
You can't fix stupid but you can divorce it
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I just got fired for getting beauty tips online during my lunch break! my Boss said " Madison Ivy gets a facial" is not a video on beauty tips.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because their sheep can hear zippers.
*gets in the bus* *Brings out earphones* *untangles* *arrives*
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped.
Life is like a dick. If it's soft, you can't beat it, but when it's hard, somebody's gonna get fucked.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
I realized that if a girl were to say "don't rape me" with her teeth knocked out it would sound a lot like "doe ray me"... Either way it's music to my ears! Credit: comedian Shawn Pearlman
Three goats walked into a Stop N Shop.
I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets.
My rebellious teenage son robbed our local Chinese food restaurant "You stole all of their chicken?!" Tso
I think I need a new butt... because mine is cracked
What's the difference between an old-time organ grinder and a heroin addict? One has a monkey on a leash and the other has a monkey on his back.
What's white and 12 inches?? Nothing
What's worse than paper tits? Cardboard box.
I watched Lost In Space and loved it! It was a great documentary on Matt Damon.
What kind of fruit can't get married? A Cantleope
Lou Gehrig is the most unlucky man to ever live.... I mean seriously, what are the odds of dying from a disease that has the same name as you?
I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn't going to sit outside with her... Long story short, I'm sitting outside with her.
Donald Trump was born a year after Hitler died. I now believe in reincarnation.
Relationships are like yard sales.... They look like fun from a couple yards away, but up close it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me... "You better be still holding that ladder"
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites ! 
Asians are so bad at driving im starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
Now that Harriet Tubman is on the $20... Is it only worth $12?
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great quote... ... but it is not the best way to tell your kid that he's adopted.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"
Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.
[REQUEST]: Looking for Altitude Competition Flying Joke Looking for the old joke about several pilots bragging about their flight altitudes (?), and then the last one one-upping them all.
What do you get if you let your child dress up as Link for Halloween and they eat to much candy? A hyper-Link!
What do you call a therapist? a TALKtor
I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry "invasion of privacy" when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.
Breaking News: horse in barn has emergency operation... Update: do not worry, he is in a stable condition.
What kind of toothpaste do MLG use? Pretty much anything, just no Scope.
What did Santa say when he went to a brothel? Hoe hoe hoe!
Me: What music you into? Date: I love hip hop Me: Yeah me too [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
A guy gets a phone call from a girls he likes. She says "Come over, nobody's home!" So he goes over, and nobody's home.
How does a French person sneeze? Adieu!
Our greatest fear is to die alone, which is why I intend to take quite a few people with me.
Earthworms will always laugh at a poop joke... They really eat that shit up.
What is heavy forwards and not backwards? ton
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
When I'm about to die and my life flashes before my eyes I'm worried that a lot of it will just be Facebook and TV.
A guy wraps himself in plastic wrap, no clothes or anything and walks into a psychologists office. The first thing she says is, "I can see your nuts."
TIL I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs. 9 oz.
Why did the Polish government have to finally ban water-polo throughout the country? Too many horses were drowning.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on. AT MY DESK. I'm pretty.
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher? He had to work it out with a pencil.
The trouble with kids these days... ...is that they can't even.
I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are ugly But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside out!
Why was the baker happy when his pie caught fire in the oven? He was a pieromaniac.
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic ? His bark was much worse than it's bite !
What do you call a blowjob from a short person? A low blow
Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you? Me: Yeah. Cw: You would? Why? Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.
What do you call a monkey holding a stick of dynamite? A Baboom!
What do Subway and Chuck E Cheese's have in common? Shitty food.
Clergy A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar. The priest asks, "Want to screw some alter boys?" And the rabbi responds, "out of what?"
I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
You always hear a stake through the heart is an effective way to kill a vampire, but actually, it's an effective way to kill lots of things
A mafia nursery rhyme the cat goes meow. the cow goes moo! The dog goes woof, and that fucking stool pigeon Anthony better shut up before I have him take his final fucking bow.
I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I'm counting it as an hour at the gym.
Why don't we use some Fourier Analysis on our relationship And reduce to a series of periodic functions.
What do you call the baseball team made out of Pokemon? The New York Mankeys!
Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror? Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too...
Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing  you will not only regret but will also suffer.
What do you call one of Santa's helpers? A subordinate clause
I told my friend I made $600 a month selling dog shit He said: "That's gross!" I said: "No, that's net."
[Cannibal Restaurant] Waiter: Need anything else? Cannibal: No, I'm stuffed. I can't even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I just had my tubes tied, and now I'm........inconceivable.
HIM: Hi, I'm Bill. ME: Hi, I'm...oh shit this is embarrassing. I'm not really good with names.
Sarah Palin admitted she used to get health care in Canada & Glenn Beck admitted he used to get his human baby sacrifices from Canada.
What did the peasant say when he went surfing in the Russian Revolution? Serf's up!
The definition of passive aggressive is a girl tagging you in a FB photo where she looks good & you look like a bucket of shit.
A true American cares about the red, white and blue Cause fuck the blacks
A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee. Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.
I sexually identify as an attack helicopter. Because I explode on impact.
I love my ribcage. It is very close to my heart.
Why shouldn't you give Muslim Women drugs? They'll get stoned. (Ba-dum tss)
I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.
The average American male has a 5" penis, but the average American male says he has 7". Brendan would say that is the same thing... perfect.
Son: Dad, I'm gay. Dad: whatever floats your boat son. Son: what floats your boat dad? Dad: Buoyancy.
Jus waited for a stop sign to turn green
Where do spiders play their FA Cup  final? Webley stadium!
Lifes all fun and games till you realize Casper's a dead child.
If at first you don't succeed Then skydiving isn't for you.
Did you hear about the sheep who's young son carried him off the farm? He was on the lamb.
In titanic Jack could of lived..... But Rose just like taking more wood than she should
Very few people actually have celiacs. They're usually pretty stern.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.
What did the pirate say after his first-mate stuck the wheel in his pants? "ARGHH! You're driving me nuts!"
Whats a baby's favourite temperature? Womb tempertaure
Grandma found out I'm single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the 'have you thought about being a priest' talk again
Confession: I masturbate. Damn, that felt good.
Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.
What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
If you practice Yoga, but are not a vegetarian, You're just a poser.
What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending
A Briton is on vacation in Germany. The man walks into a bar. Dies.
What's the best way to keep water from running? Don't pay the water bill.
[staff meeting] PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it? [Jim slowly raises his hand]
My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
God created the light... Then he called it a day.
If you thought 9/11 was bad..... The UK might lose a whole country today
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face
Why did Dracula need medicine? Because he was coffin.
What do ghosts like about riding horses?  Ghoulloping.
A Spanish family surprised me by treating me to dinner. x-post /r/unexpectedcena
Sorry, but there's no such thing as love at first sight. You just got really horny.
Donald Trump, for the first time in his life, he goes and applies for a job And gets the position of President of the US
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I'm temporarily delusional"
What do you call a group of zombies watching The Sixth Sense while on a cruise? High Seas Dead People
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn't just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I tried to do a photo shoot in the rain yesterday. Turned out to be a mist take.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA? Kicked out of the zoo.
Why did the dolphin kill himself? A lack of porpoise.
Are you ready to be disappointed?
I was pretty shocked when my dad came out of the closet. Now I can only wonder if my other dad knows.
I need to buy a new alarm clock. The one I have keeps going off while I'm asleep.
Hey girl did you just get dropped from an F/A-18? Cuz J*daaammnnnn* Im sorry /r/badjokes is dead https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joint_Direct_Attack_Munition
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.
The east coast is experiencing a "Snowpocalypse" or as Canada calls it "Monday"
I used to hate having athlete's foot... ...but it's growing on me
Don'tcha wish your g/f was fun like me? *plays Twister* Don'tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me? *regurgitates a jellyfish* Don'tcha...?
A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him. His condition is described as stable.
A black family wins a free cruise 'Oh hell no. We ain't falling for that again'
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I'm a little surprised so many guys chose "creepy weird dude."
I saw a billboard that said, "Be her Romeo" and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Conductor: Again from measure 5 if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro we have no measure numbers.
I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I'm pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.
How do you identify a vegan at a party? You don't, they come and tell you
What do you call a normal potato? A commentator
As an adult, I don't like talking about church I went as a kid, but it's a touchy subject
We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Don't you just hate clickbait titles? Gotcha!
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? "With jam in!" What did he say to his friend who asked for one? "I hope you like jam in too!"
Might buy a junkyard just to grow my own junk food.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca's home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable. Trainer: Ok now start pedaling. Me: What?
My friend grabs something in my pocket It was deez nuts
You really gotta hand it to short people... Because we can't reach it.
Why did Carrie Underwood run out of cheese? Because Jesus took the wheel.
The "Blind People Alphabet" A, B, D, E, F...
What do broccoli and anal sex have in common? If you didn't like it as a kid, you probably don't like it as an adult.
Good call inventor of glass tables. There's nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn't wear panties while I'm trying to eat
Autoerrection has saved my life
You know what they saw about a guy with a large carbon footprint He is a big dick
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant girl? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What do you call a flying Jedi? A skywalker. (I'm really sorry)
What do you call a white woman that identifies as black? TransRachel - credit Jennie
A man bets his wife that she can't make him happy and mad at the same time She says, "Your dick is bigger than all your friends' dicks!"
Dear /r/jokes, I've said this before and I'll say it again... Gay jokes are NOT funny! Come on guys.
JIMMY THE BULB Q: How many old-timey gangsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We ain't sayin' nuthin'.
Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.
What do you call a dead guy hanging on your wall? Art.
A poem by Stevie Wonder Roses are black Violets are black Everything is black I can't see.
How did the Hulk feel after trying to lift Mjolnir? He felt Thor.
Dear Santa, Last year you gave me a sweater for Christmas. This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer.
What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator :)
How can you spot a blind man in a nudist camp? Its not hard.
Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head? Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
Earlier I joked that Toronto was the capital of Canada. "Joked" being the operative word. Everyone knows only real countries have capitals.
Knock Knock Walter White: knock knock. Skyler : knock knock who? Walter White: I am the one who knocks.
I asked a music teacher what is sooo hard about playing a violin... she said it's kinda fiddely.
What do you say to someone who just uttered a tired, old reddit catch-phrase? "I see what you did there"
I can't remember my memory ever being this good I think
Read more Answer me this jokes
Wife to husband as they watch their young  son playing: "He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."
What does Pikachu say when he puts too much salsa on his food? PIKA PIKA PIKA (Credit to my 5 year old son)
what do you call two crows sitting on a fence? attempted murder
Q: Why the fireman was burried on the top of the hill? A: Because he was dead.
Why was the intelligent Heineken upset? 'Cus the bud's wiser.
I'm not racist, I love black people.. so much I think everyone should have one for themselves.
Why did Aristotle hate French fries? They were fried in ancient grease!
What do you call a four about four? A meta-four.
What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!
Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog? So he could "get a long little doggy".
What did the water say to the boat? Nothing. It just waved.
I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok.
"Yo mama is so fat, when she was cremated all the flights in Europe got cancelled."-my 10 year old cousin. right now.
Two antennas met on a roof... After a while they fell in love and in a few years time the antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Wal-Mart Why are there no Wal-Marts in the middle east? A: Because there are too many Targets
What is the definition of stalking? When two people takes a long, romantic walk on the beach, but only one of them knows about it
God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib
My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died... she was attacked by a giant crab
9: How old was I when I was 3? me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
What' the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps can finish a race
My 5-year-old blames me when things go wrong and takes all the credit when they go right. She'll be a CEO someday.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
The teacher asked little Timmy why he brought his cat to school... He replied crying "Because I heard daddy tell mommy that he was gonna eat that pussy when Timmy leaves for school today!"
Thesaurus Club First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club.
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength? Me: I'm hyper observant Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard Me: Oh..
In Finland when a baby is born you just whip a bunch of magnetic letters at the fridge and that's its name.
Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.
Yesterday I went rollerblading, and I ran into batman. So I say "Oy! Batman! Come skate with me! . . . " But Batman just says "I'M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS!"
This clown fad is getting out of hand.... They are even running for president of the United States.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
How do Australians clean their ass after pooping? Bidet, mate!
What's the difference between a magicians wand and a police baton? The magician's wand is used for cunning stunts
I used to be addicted to soap... i am clean now
My friend Carlos got his car stolen We call him Los now
What's the difference between a 6 year old and a 16 year old? Which hole they stick their finger in when no-one's looking.
Given how many times I've been poked, Googled, and deep crawled, you'd think I'd have a lot more to brag about.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn't find it so we're outside watching the house burn.
I'm so good at sleeping... I can do it with my eyes closed.
Unpopular opinion: this joke is bad
"this wing of the facility is where we do updog research" "what's updog" "that's what we're trying to determine"
Wife: We don't have anything planned today... Me: Cool! Wife: ...so I was thinking we should... Me: (dammit)
What kind of meat do priests eat? Nun.
Viagra won't make you James Bond.. ..but it will make you Roger Moore.
Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don't like.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they're it. Either way, there's a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My new haircut is really starting to grow on me
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we
I bet you guys want to hear a joke about my penis. Nevermind, it's pretty long.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Never knew that Irish people are so racist... Needless to say I was shocked when my Irish mate started telling me about how much he hates the black and tans.
How's it like living in a totalitarian regime? Can't complain.
My roommates are concerned that I'm using all their kitchen utensils.. but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I like to tell people my wife was top of her class until she learned about drugs in college. She got her degree in pharmacy and was in the top 5 in her graduating class.
How do you get to the top of a weather beacon? Climate
what gets uglier the more you watch it? yo momma stripping
I've just bought a house with period features She hates that nickname.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
What do you do with dead chemists? Barium
The mullet is a helmet for domestic violence.
What is the difference between Kanye West and God? God doesn't think that He's Kanye.
What sound did the slot machine make when the Chinese person won the jackpot? Cha-chink!
[makes eye contact with someone through crack in bathroom stall] hey
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
I'm not saying it is your fault, I said I'm blaming you.
Your momma's so fat... Her picture fell off the wall She wears a 3 piece bikini There are smaller fat women orbiting her Her tampons come equipped with On Star
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn't even taste like hippo.
Why did the police arrest the sidewalk sidewalk? It always had some sort of weed on it!
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I thought the recipe was for making margarine, however, it churned out to be butter.
My wife worships me She puts burnt offerings in front of me everyday
A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was. I'm just a prof. I can't fix stupid.
If electricity takes the path of least resistance... why doesn't lightning only strike the country of France?
I have really bad gambling withdrawals I take out about $400 a week
How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex. I called her.
What is the best thing about kids? Making them!
This one came to me this morning - How do you spot a necrophiliac at a funeral? Mourning wood.
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't make a vita-min. But you can make a hor-mone!
The best halloween costume of the year goes too... Bruce Jenner!
You matter Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.
Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention? The police ended up searching every crooked nanny
Honey you're like my GPS... I'd be lost without you.
I found my first grey pube today. It put me right off my kebab.
I've always dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda Its a fanta-sea of mine
Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines
Why did the Chicken come to /r/jokes? [To be buried](http://www.reddit.com/r/antiantiantijokes/comments/3bccyc/the_chicken_sat_far_from_the_road_considering_its/)
What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit.
What is it called when you sleep talk about your subconscious feelings ? A Freudian Sleep.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasoreass
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that's not what they're for.
I took two years of anger management courses Now I'm the manager of four brand new anger stores
Do I believe in free will? Well I have no choice.
Mother: My goodness, Jerry, who gave you that black eye? Jerry: No one gave it to me. I had to fight for it!
*wakes up from surgery How did it go? Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
Nigerian Billionaire Helps Rescue Failing Banks
You don't love Dunkin' Donuts coffee, you love heavy cream.
Tony Abbot
A found a dessert trying to sell me military secrets in my bed last night. It was an under covers pie.
What's your favorite stereotype? Mine is the boom box.
I must be ill I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.
My wife said that I need to pay more attention to what's going on around me. So, in 2010, I'm going to try harder.
I like my women like I like my cars Fast, loud, used off craigslist.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Too many kids crying. I'm never having kids.I'm just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.
I asked a group of women if they found rape jokes funny. They all said "no!" But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."
Why is it best to ship boxes using a UPS truck? The DOWNS truck is a little slow.
It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.
Newton's Third Law of Emotion For every male action, there is a female overreaction
Why does Indiana Jones hate the letters ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX and Y Because they're not Zs. Sorry.
Pick up line: Girl, do you run a Gorilla exhibit at the zoo? Because I want to drop a baby in you.
Did you hear about the guy who got his tongue cut out by the mafia? Never mind. It's a tasteless joke.
genders are like... genders are like the twin towers... there use to be 2 of them and now its just offensive to talk about it
Someone literally said this in class Teacher: "Half the world is a cess pool" Student: "The middle east isn't half the world"
If the Discovery Channel's new show 'Naked And Afraid' isn't about Mormon honeymoons, I'm not interested.
YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH'S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.
Why does Bernie Sanders only drink skim milk? He can't stand the 1%
Which article of clothing is the most ghetto? A Hoodie.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to...
Why are nuns like a brand new TV? You need a knife to get in the box.
So there's this guy that does nothing but masturbate and watch Netflix all day... Oh wait... That's me.
did you hear about the guy with five penises? his pants fit like a glove
There's only 1 thing worse than ants in your pants.... ....and that's Uncles in your pants!
What did Tony Abbott do when he heard Denmark had surplus wind power ? Cut funding for wind power in Australia
Precious Father-Son Time When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom...they were all just pictures of me.
What be a pirate's favorite letter? Ayy, you think it be "r" but it really be the "c".
A Woman's place is not in the kitchen Cause that's where all the knives are.
How many IT guys does it take to change a light bulb? No IT guys change light bulbs, they just keep flicking the switch on and off again until something happens.
Know any Swedish jokes? I've heard they don't Finnish very well
I'm in a band called "Stuck In The Fucking Departure Lounge!" Check us out!
I told my Grandpa an Alzheimer's joke. It was so funny he forgot to laugh.
What is the difference between an abusive relationship and The Chainsmokers ? Nothing, The hits keep coming
What time was it when Jared got fired? When the big hand touched the little hand
Why did the chicken limp across the road? Because it was a lame joke.
Fell through the glass doors of a French bakery and.. .. now I'm in a world of pain :D (source: Sickipedia, some user called SoSueMe..)
What do you call snacks served at a brothel? whore d'oeuvres
Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
My girlfriend says that I've got the body of a guy half my age. Which would be a nice compliment if I wasn't 22.
Why don't people tell jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones? The punchline is too long.
Every couple weeks I pour a little cocoa powder and hot milk down the sink as a pick me up for any struggling mole people.
You've seen nothing until you've seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
My girlfriend said that me being a mime was too much, and she was leaving But I couldn't bring myself to say anything
One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas... How he got into my pajamas, I don't know. - Groucho Marx
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.
A man once said, that i was gay... ...i took his dick out of my mouth and said "i'll add an extra 5 bucks to the bill for that"
In People's Republic of Korea... Dog eat you!
What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite film? IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!
Why did the cellphone go to court? Because it was charged with battery. Thank you, I'll be here all night... Finals week needs to end.
Have you ever heard the one about the dust bunny and the mud pie? Well then sorry, I only tell clean jokes.
German Girlfriend My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
How do you know when you've fucked an apple? When you're in cider
Police I thought I saw a police chopper this morning but it was just his baton sticking out.
What sound do two photons make when they hit each other? \*Planck!*
If Hugh Jackman turns out to be a con-artist... Then his whole life will have been a huge act......man.
My doctor told me to drink 8 bottles of water a day I have to buy a case of bud light every 3 days now
I called the urologist's office for an appointment for erectile dysfunction. The girl on the phone checked the calendar and said, "alright, let's see if we can get you in.." I said, "exactly."
It's only Wednesday and I'm already 94% done with this week.
Why was the bi-sexual man so healthy? Because he ate plenty of fruits and vag.
Q: What dinosaur loves pancakes? A: A tri-syrup-tops.
What's the favorite whiskey of Unidan? Jackdaw Niel's
So a Jewish kid asks his dad for $30... His dad says, "twenty bucks! What do you need ten bucks for?!"
Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party. It was a total buzzkill.
I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one prostitute. Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an alter boy.
Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow? He was out standing in his field.
Watched a movie where a kid is alone in his house and starts meditating... It's called "Om Alone"
A Math Quip You couldn't tell an asymptote from a hole in the graph
When is the only time you can park like a retard? In a handicapped spot.
Hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.
r/nowifi There seems to be nothing here
How many Emos does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter because there is no light, only dark.
What's green and has wheels. A dolphin. I lied about the wheels. I also lied about it being green. I lied about the whole thing.
(I heard this one a while back, sorry) Why can't you use a the restroom at a Beatles reunion concert? Because there is no John.
ladies: the day after Halloween, don't forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile
Why do bees hum ? Because they've forgotten the words !
Why shouldn't a dentist and manicurist be in a relationship? All they will do is fight tooth and nail!
My wife came home one day... ... to find me doing her sister up the arse. "How could you do this to me?" she cried. I responded, "Well, I can't. That's why I'm doing it to her."
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was black
If Jesus was hangin out at the WTC in the 21st century.. Would he have been killed by Pontius Pilot?
What's the difference between an Apple and a Prostitute. I don't cum over my apple before I eat it.
I'm not racist. I'm not racist, racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Little Johnny Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Why are prostitutes cheaper compared to girlfriends and wives to many rich people? Because they dont have to pay attention
As a gay male, just once, I wish someone would ask me how I like my coffee. Them: Hey, how do you like your coffee? Me: Like I love my men! Them: Oh, Black? Me: No, anally!
"Use divorce, Luke." "" Obi Wan, marriage counselor
Its Valentines Day...If u r married go & kiss your wife or husband , if u have a gfbf ..do the same ..n if u r single ,,,,kiss the ground and thank GOD !! =)). HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
Mathematically, the difference between Jelly and Jam is... = J(elly - am)
We should just rename television viewing "watching Geico commercials".
Two tomatoes cross the street Two tomatoes cross the street. One of the tomatoes gets hit by a car, and the other tomatoe goes "Aw, come on... Catch up!"
What does a clock do when it's still hungry? It goes back for seconds!
A boy has a stunning realization and confronts his mother Boy: Mum! Why am I black and you're white? Mum: Considering all the crazy shit I've done years ago, you should be glad you aren't barking
Three tampons are walking down the street.. A light, a regular, and a super tampon are all walking down the street. Which one talks to you first? None. They are all stuck up bitches.
Here's a joke about my senior year of college. I tried.
Why does Hillary have sex with Bill first thing in the morning? Because she wants to be the First Lady.
The Maitre'D asked if we had reservations... I said, "Yes, but when you're as hungry as we are you throw caution to the wind!"
What do you call a cat wearing shoes ? Puss in boots !
I'm sorry, we can't hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[text] H: I'm at Lowes, how wide is the door frame? M: I measured, it's 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
A female weight lifter went to the doctor "Doc, I've been takin steroids for a few years now and as a side effect, I've grown a Penis" "Anabolic"? Asked the doctor. "Nope just a Penis" she replied.
I was raped by mimes They did unspeakable things to me
Why did the blind driver have no hands? He was reading road signs at 50 miles per hour
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes 1 nail to hang up the picture.
What did the chicken do when it crossed the road Got to the other side
What do you call a Canadian rap group? Poutine Clan
I like my women like I like my moose Big, brown, and horny
Question: Why is divorce so  expensive? Answer: Because it's worth it.
A good way to start a conversation is 'What's your favorite color'. A good way to end a conversation is What's your favourite colour of a person.
When someone on the bus wants your seat, what should you say? If you were me, will you let me have your seat? If he answer no, don't let him sit. If he answer yes, you don't even need to move.
A termite walks into a bar... And asks, "is the bartender here?"
What does a priest and McDonalds have in common? They both like to stick meat in their 10 year old buns.
To all the "cougars" out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves "Thundercats" shame. on. you.
There was an explosion at a French cheese store Everywhere you looked, there was a lot of de brie.
I was going to get a job at a coat check.... But I couldn't get the hang of it.^ok^i'll^just^show^myself^out
What sound does Reddit make when it blows up? Pao! Edit: Whoa, FP *and* gold. Thank you!
Sitting in the back of a police car "Excuse me, could I have the AUX chord, please?"
Every time I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"
I broke up with my girlfriend, Ruth.. Now her friends call me ruthless. EDIT: Got hacked. Password and emailed changed, this post was changed to something else for a brief period by the hacker.
It's only been a few days, but I'm starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
Her: 911, what's your emerge- Me: SOMEONE'S WEARING CROCS! Her: Sir, that's not an em- Me: WITH A FANNY PACK! Her: I'll send an officer.
What's 6.9? The share one gets in an oral-sex tensome.
So a bar walks into a physicist... Shoot; wrong frame of reference...
You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Illegal eavesdropping The Patriot Act Section 215 has expired. The NSA will now stop illegally eavesdropping!
I went to a baby shower I was torn between a vacuum or a coat hanger as a gift
[1st day in heaven] God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music? Me: Yeah. G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Deer What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea What do you call a deer with no legs no eyes and no dick? Still no fucking ides
I Like my Woman How I Like my Coffee... Hot, in the kitchen, and ready for me when I wake up.
What kind of haircut does the black judge have? Jury Curls
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex... ...but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
"Florence + the Machine" would be a funny name for a Leonardo da Vinci biopic. Follow this account for more goodass Renaissance tweets
"I have a bloody nose" - a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar One deer turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"
What do your mom and monkeys have in common? Macaque
Whats The Difference Between a Hobo On a Unicycle And a Man In a Suit On a Bike? A tire.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Why was Hitler a great comedian? Cuz you can't spell slaughter without laughter
Fun fact: Snakes don't exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
John Oliver ? that guy's so last week
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They left the plunger in the toilet.
Two cows are standing in a barn. Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease? Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.
If you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship by saying "look, I just need space" then you're wasting everyone's time.
I tried telling a joke to Messi But he missed the point
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a seven year old? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window. EDIT: Damn it he was four
What do Volkswagen and a boy going through puberty have in common? They both lie about their emissions.
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I almost fell in.
And God promised men that... Good and obedient wife's would be found in all corners of the world.........Then he made the world round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a Twinkie? Twinkies can cause a national upset.
My therapist said I need to find a new hobby. Besides pissing off therapists.
What do nutrition labels and tumblr have in common? They're both full of trans fats
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
You know what I hate most about N.D.A.s?
My wife asked me what I want to do with her body... Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer.
Structural Engineering Because architects don't know what physics is.
Whenever I'm picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell "Come with me if you want to live!" so she knows she married pure awesomeness
Wife: I'll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I'll be giving her half of my food.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My friend's getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it's as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
What did the sushi say to the bee? WASABI
Why did the banker bee go to prison? Embuzzlement! You're damn right
Fact: Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in the jeans.
[sex in car] ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching? BF: Yes UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water? If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris? Depends on who wrote the script.
A joke and 3 cocks What's the difference between a joke and 3 cocks. Your mom can't take a joke.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I'll rephrase the question, your honor. Sir, under whose custody did the dogs escape from?? And let me remind you that you're under oath
You can lead a horse to water but it's pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
People who talk at the cinemas really annoy me.. I can barely hear my phone over them!
A (Non-Racist) Chinese Joke A Chinese man and a Chinese woman get married. They have a baby boy. What color is the sun? &amp;nbsp; Yellow.
"Video games are art," I say as I change my created Madden player Todd Poopman's height to 6'9".
You guys wanna here a joke? Blood on the Dancefloor.
The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Who abhors a vacuum more than nature? A cat.
Why was the poker game at the zoo cancelled? Some believed that there was a cheetah among them.
Women are like tornadoes They're cool to look at in pictures but when you see one in person its "holy shit what do I do?!"
Have you heard like 50% of Chinese people have cataracts? Yeah, I guess the other 50% drive "rincoln towncah".
My 8 year old son wrote this... What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes? A poultry-geist.
This guy's shirt said 'blink if you want me' and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM
Office fun: replace your coworker's mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him "baby hands" until he quits
Are you today's date? Because your 10/10.
The Venn diagram of "stuff I was supposed to do today" and "stuff I did today" is two separate circles and the second one is a pizza
I have a bad ping. It might be terminal.
Q: What makes a chef sadder the skinnier it gets? A: An onion.
My friends asked me what I liked about Switzerland Well the flags a big plus.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who  thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
BROKEN CAGE Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart? A: "Cheap, cheap!"
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Walks home.
What did they find floating in the toilet of the S.S Enterprise? Captains Log
Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
Fred Durst is starting a lawn care company. It's called Rake Stuff.
A British Major is stationed in the desert with his troops...
Nature tip: if you're attacked by a cougar, tickle its belly. It will kill you but at least your last memory will be of petting a cuddly cat
If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of "You had so much potential" with a steaming side of "You shoulda married Jeff."
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Jared Fogle likes his subs like his women. 6 &amp; 12
Remember when you were young and you used to blow bubbles? Well I heard he's out of prison and he's been looking for you...
Can anyone give me a Russian-English bilingual pun?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Two doe walk out of a casino... One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks."
*CRASH* *THUMP* *SCREAM* *Husband runs into bedroom* H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY? Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
So a man comes in a bar Er, no, wait, I meant a horse. So a man comes in a horse...
Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ? Because he always burns the franks.
TIL that Benjamin Franklin loved containers. It was frequently said that Ben was on a bin binge.
A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
I asked an atheist "How do you view homosexuality?" He replied "Mostly on pornhub"
Cheetah is not the fastest animal on the earth. If a cheetah runs after you, You will run faster.
What can relax you and drown you at the same time? A one-hour facial.
What do you tell someone annoying you need a moment? One sec, cunt.
Gf: come over Me: can't, playing the new call of duty Gf: my parents are out of town Me: you're 30 years old, grow up
Why do the elephants have short tails ? Because they can't remember long stories !
How does a butt pirate prevent scurvy. He eats a lot of "fruits".
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
Why did the mexican take xanax? For hispanic attacks
I never get the silent treatment when I really want it.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot and not talking.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go! ME: It ... was ... nice ... knowing ... you
My motto in life is always give 100%. Which makes blood donation quite tricky.
How does the KKK celebrate gay pride? With a LGBBQ.
When going out invite your friends with extra chromosomes. ....theyll always be down
I'm from the friendzone originally But now I live in the bae area.
I can't believe after all this shit they're still together! Our ass-cheeks really deserve some respect.
A man walks into a zoo... ..... and there's only one animal. It's a dog. A shih tzu.
What did Hitler drink, as a child? Jews!
Just watched Starwars The Force Awakend It felt kind of forced
I am absolutely mortified right now. I sent someone a DM to my small business center and TinyURL shortened it to http://tinyurl.com/acockk
My wife accused me of being immature... ...so I told her to get out of my fort.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves? Russel.
I challenged a guy to a game of Pool. "The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared. Boy, did he look smug when he won. Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.
Traffic lights are so shy the closer I get to them, the more likely they are to go red
Why is vagina better than cake? Because you can have your vagina and eat it, too!
I switched my cellphone to 'airplane mode' and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.
A drug addict and a nun So a drug addict walks up to a nun and sees that her clothes are ripped. He looks at her and says, "Sister, you have a bad habit."
I used to sanitize my son's bottles and Lysol his toys. Then I caught him chewing on the dog's tail.
Made a Jesus joke. Nailed it.
A battery murdered another battery He was charged with murder and put in a duracell.
I tried to take a selfie with my grandma and she said "you're going to have to wait until I'm in a casket"
If I drank as little alcohol as I tell my doctor I'd weigh as little as I tell the people at the DMV when I renew my driver's license.
What is 6.9? A wonderful thing ruined by a period
I tried to tell the doctor I was constipated... She said I was full of shit
"He's gone too far." "He crossed the line between science & ethics." "He's playing God." -reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The Runaway Horse by Gay Topen
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They'd be like "did you get my text?" and you could just be like "I can't read."
What do troll mathematicians like to solve? Parabolems?
What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? She goes home
I once went on a date with a girl called Simile... I don't know what I metaphor.
What is a poet's favorite legume? Rhyma-beans!
Shit.......I could get 100% on the test I got 27%. it was so close..
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he'd be slimey but he's really dry
Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake? He was shaken, not stirred.
What were those two people from VeggieTales? Oh yea, Barrackoli and Cucumberbatch.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else it would've been called the teethbrush
My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash.
Do I agree that education is getting too expensive? To a degree, yes.
A black man asks a white man where the colored printer is. The white man smiles and says, "My friend, in this day and age, you can use any printer."
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents' home
What was Bruce Lees vegetarian brothers name? Broco Lee
I was sitting at my desk, trying to think of a double entendre... ...but it got really hard.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
How does a sheep farmer find a sheep on top of the mountain ? Acceptable
After a year of anal only sex with my girlfriend... You never know what is gonna come through that hole
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Ark Hives.
I call my penis Valyrian Steel.... Because it slays pale, icy bitches and no one really knows how it works.
What's the biggest difference between a crayon and your ex? The crayon is non-toxic!
A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor. "We had to amputate your arms"
We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation.
There are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: LEAVE HIM ALONE.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe occasionally tips
Do not be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
Did you hear about the new show about Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin? It's called [Removed]
Your mother is so ugly..... That when she fought Scorpion in Mortal Kombat, he yelled, "Get over there!"
If Christians made a movie about church attendance, what would they call it? Exodus
Why does government matter? It doesn't.
Want to hear a dirty joke?[NSFW] How do you catch a girl...IN A BOOBIE TRAP!!!!!!
Cyber Monday is named for John Cyber, who was the first person to be sexually assaulted online by a robot.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two. The tricky part is getting them in there.
Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
If Trump divorces Melania while in office... Will she rule half the country?
What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Stroganoff
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and the American people? America doesn't want Bush.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after 3 ho's...
What does a vagina and the mob have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Knock Knock Somebody knocks on door: - Who is there? - Police? - What do you want? - We want to talk. - How many of you are there? - Two. - So talk with each other.
What's a penguins favorite relative? His Aunt Artica!
Husband: Can I use your phone? Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
What is common between a gynecologist and Pizza Deliver guy? They both can smell it but cant eat it.
What's so fun about having sex with 28 year olds? There's 20 of them.
I'm not saying the character Merida was modeled after me, but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts? "LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"
What is something that mother giraffes have but no other animal has? Baby giraffes.
You say drug dealer. I say astute, urban entrepreneur embracing the booming chemical escapism market.
My girlfriend cheated on me with the Pillsbury dough boy Now she has a yeast infection.
Why did the French chef commit suicide? he lost his huile d'olive
My best friend dared me to take a shit on an electrified train track. That's the last time I put my arse on the line.
A book fell on my head... I only have my shelf to blame.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn't quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Why did the Chinese man tell a joke? Just China be funny.
Why the musician sold his computer... It was baroque.
"My relationship with golf is starting to suffer" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah.. We're going through a rough patch"
Absence makes the heart grow fonder... Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and abstinence makes the hand grow stronger.
What's the difference between eugenics and a charity marathon? The second one's a race for the cure. Shamelessely stolen from [yesterday's SMBC](http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=3180).
Knock knock Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave breaking down into an emotional wreck and mess of tears at the realisation that the Alzheimer's has finally taken hold.
I was engaged to a zombie but it fell apart.
Whenever our neighbor's dog is barking, I know there's either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
This is gonna be misinterpreted, but I've been sitting on hard wood for an hour and my ass is killing me
A women's logic: Hes nice, but I'd rather date an asshole, try to change him, fail, get my heart broken and preach "All  guys are the same"
Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade? A: The letter "m."
What is a chiropractor's favorite chemical element? Knee-on!
The world's fastest boxer invited anyone to try to avoid his fists... There was no punchline.
It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row.
Is your refrigerator running? You probably didn't notice because you were too busy looking for reposts
I don't respect Aquaman, because I can't respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
What has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it'd kill you? A pool table
A man is talking to his friend... "Today I got a brand new ford for my wife." "Eyyy, nice trade."
Gloryholes are like restaurants. The best ones are just holes in the walls.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn't possibly have grown legs and walked away Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
What's the difference between hematologists and urologists? A hematologist pricks fingers.
When British people get something stuck in their teeth, it's usually just another tooth.
Guys, did you know that as long as you say "great hit" or "great catch" you can touch another straight guy's butt an it's not even weird?
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.
*enter password* *wrong* *wrong* *wrong* *reset password* ... *new password can't be the same as old password*
Buy followers? No thanks. I'm married so I spend enough money on people I don't talk to
What do you call a pickled deer? Dill Doe :D
"When I'm done shitting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through her window"-Birds
How does a Narcissist change a lightbulb? He holds it up to the socket and the world revolves around him.
BlackBerry and Apple have come together to create a something for ladies who have trouble listening. It's been called the Black-i.
Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I'm a great fan of Thomas Edison, Because of his quote that...!! . Tomorrow is my exam but I don't care Because a single sheet of paper cannot decide my future...!!!
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
lobster christian grey: 'my tastes are very.....singular' *opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
While everyone was fighting the walkers... ...who was keeping an eye on Corral?
I made a chicken salad today... The bastard didn't even eat it.
I'm up all night to get lucky, My dog that ran away
I like to go to the movies and politely ask the people in front of me to stop kicking my seat.
What do you call a Nun on a motorcycle? A bad habit
What do you call a gorilla that's hair is two different colors? Harambre
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? "Bison"
professor gave us a 2000 word essay... So I gave him two pictures.
Playing the long game. some months back I planted lettuce in my garden. yesterday I was making dinner and asked my girlfriend to go pick some lettuce. she said "why?" I said "just Cos" ba dum tisssssh
How do you make one girl disappear? ..just add a G and now she's gone.
A guy was admitted to the emergency ward with half a dozen toy horses stuck up his ass. His condition was listed as "stable".
What do Mexicans call a commando? A Juan man army...
Voldemort: So I just have to lie? Pinocchio: Yep
How may tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh? Tentacles!
Why are there no feminists in Japan? Because the Japanese hunt whales.
Why did the interjecting, dismissive, gay Italian have so many problems? Probably because he was such a- "Fagget about it!"
Why did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire* *adds lock of his hair* *does magicky stuff* Now love me. **POOF** *my left eyebrow falls off*
I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Pokemon GO servers are like my life right now. Up and down and disappointing anyone who knows what it is.
Fellaz: Commenting on and liking every other half-naked girl's Facebook picture makes you look damn thirsty! Have some dignity or buy some.
How do you get 27 kids to carve a statue? Have everybody chip in.
How did Helen Keller break her arm? She tried to read the speed limit sign.
What's the difference between your mom and my mom? Your mom still sucks my dad's dick
On our honeymoon, more than anything, I wanted to join the Mile High Club... ...but my wife didn't give a flying fuck
How many babies does it take to paint a fence? Depends how hard you throw them
*at casino* When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both. It will leave him speechless.
Hi I'm michael cera and this is jackass [blows on his yogurt to make sure it's not to hot]
What's the worst thing about being a paedophile? I guess, just trying to fit in.
A photon both raises his hand and shouts "Goodbye!" It's a wave and a parting call.
Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.
What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One goes "ribbit ribbit", the other goes "rub it rub it".
Break-up if you can't be faithful. Stay faithful or stay single.
Q: Did you hear about the girl who skipped rope while she read? A: She jumped to conclusions.
Why do blacks make good athletes? They spent the first nine months of their lives dodging hangers.
So I've decided that my wifi will be my valentine. Idk, we just have this connection.
two peanuts walk into a bar one was a salted
Where did the zombie go on his night out? To the st**rip** club.
What does the window do when the sun shines on it? It gets Blinded I excuse myself out.
Today must be my lucky day... I found 95 in the urinal.
[wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh... yeah. yes.
I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.
It's 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it's also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him* I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
What did the pessimist say to the psychologist? Only the good die, Jung.
Hello police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen. Oh. Well in that case please send over a pastrami sandwich!
Me: You're such a good boy. Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three Ho's.
After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years... But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.
Why did Bono fall off the stage? Because he was too close to The Edge.
What do you call a cow abortion? De-calf
Someone just corrected my "good morning" with a "good afternoon" so I said, "go to hell you clock watching motherfucker".
Why can't an angle lease an apartment alone? Because he has to cosign
What do you call a fat girl that committed a murder? Killer Whale.
What did the intellectual neckbeard say to his buddy when he was asked about the Mayweather Pacquiao fight? I've never heard of that court case.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?" (Dalai Lama job interview)
What do you call a naked musician? A Natural
Me: Babe will you love me when I'm old & fat. Wife: I sure do.
What did King Arthur do in Camelot? He "came" a lot.
:# <--- emoticon for "I'm eating a brillo pad"
A clock asked another clock out... He was timezoned
Weekend My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend.
Did you hear about the cannibal? He dumped his girlfriend...*flies away*
I've got a job defusing landmines. It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
Man, that's a cold joke... but, Icee what you did there.
I can't believe how popular these gluten-free items are getting!!! They're selling like hot cakes!
There's something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn't the cutest baby they've ever seen
Now that Ted Cruz dropped out, there is only one man standing in Trump's way Hilary Clinton
My laptop just passed away. What's the mourning period for this? Do I need to wear black? Is it ok to cry?
Why are some musicians so antisocial? Because all they want is tonics and dominance.
How do you tell an X chromosome from a Y chromosome? Pull down its genes.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches.
Three hunters come across some tracks in the middle of the woods... The first hunter says its wolf tracks the second says its bear tracks the third was hit by a trian
I've perfected an AI as a substitute to a girlfriend. Every time I try to turn it on I get the silent treatment and there are no output to tell me what's wrong.
What's the difference between mlk day and st. Patrick's day? Everyone WANTS to be irish on st Patrick's day.
So I bought cinnamon spray to numb my wife's mouth for sexual purposes. It doesn't work very well. She woke up anyways.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they'll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you'll have enough money to buy an orange.
The gang's all here A horse, a blonde, a redneck, a priest, a rabbi, and the president all walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
A Jew walks into a bar mitzvah
Hey are you free this weekend? (Gazes into distance) (Wipes tear from cheek) (Bald Eagle screeches) "I'm always free"
Farewell to the last original piece of Joan Rivers... her soul
What's an elephant's most sexual organ? It's foot. Because if it stands on you you're fucked.
If a tree falls down in the middle of the forest.... And i scream something in the top of my lungs, and no woman can hear me, Am I still wrong?
What do you get when you drop a Hawaiian pizza? Pearl Harbor pizza.
[plumber] well here's your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet* [magician] it was like that when I bought the house
Crees que soy muy bajita? La novia pregunta al novio - Amor Crees que soy muy bajita? - Pues tienes una estatura comun. - De veras? - Si, comun-duende. jajaja que grosero verdad
Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do? Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A pencil walks into a bar The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here." The pencil yells back "Erasist!"
I don't smoke, so I take "screaming" breaks at work.
I like my girlfriends the same as I like my scotch... 14 years old and on coke
My dog used to chase people on a bike It got so bad I had to take away his bike..
I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers... always sticking their business in other people's noses.
Why do skunks celebrate valentines day? Because they are very scentimental.
Did you hear about the circus fire?.. People said it was intense..
How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side
Steve Buscemi always looks like he suffers from an intestinal parasite.
What's the one thing a woman wants most in this world? Nothing, she's fine
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you need three light bulbs.
The lights in my house love me... ...because I always turn them on.
Sometimes when I'm singing a song a get an urge to skip the chorus... But I always refrain
What do you call someone having butt sex with Stephen Hawking? Ingenius
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
man...im so hungry i could- *i catch eye contact with a horse* "you could what?" *shows his gun* i could.. eat a sandwich "thought so."
What is it called when you're looking for a body killed by a mortician? Formaldehyde and seek!
Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
I've got sexy women on me like white on rice Fried rice that is.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I'm thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Why don't renovators paint floors? It's beneath them.
Yo mama so fat, she doesn't get stuck in the doorway The doorway gets stuck in her
Of all the cars in Italy... Mussolini's is the fascist.
Fat chicks are like masturbation. Totally fine to do in the privacy of your own home, but you should be ashamed to be caught in public.
I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family.
I love Comcast. Jokes over.
I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 people, so I decided to help out. He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.
FYI: The .gif file format is pronounced "jiff" I know because I joogled it.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer? The woman won't take a 2.5 inch floppy.
What did the religious pear say to the grape that lost his wife? "Everything happens for a raisin"
Why did Jesus go to a Candy shop? To Test a Mint
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
TIFU by taking the wrong baby home from the hospital Oops, wrong bub.
I don't mean to brag but I've perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Your refrigerators running. Hmmm let me check. My refrigerator is in fact not running. Thanks you kind young anonymous caller. You have saved me from a great deal of spoilage.
I use to have mad cow Disease But I'm alright Nooooooooooooooooooow.
I'm leaving reddit
What do you call a black man flying a plane? The pilot, you racist!
I would like a warm hound please "Excuse me?" A flaming puppy "..." Fire canine "Do you want a hot dog, ma'am?" Yes. A scorching pooch
MOM: Any plans tonight? ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary? M: Yessss
Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash? A: She's the one on her bike.
The doctors say I suffer from insanity, but they have it all wrong. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where do man-splainers get their water? From a well, actually...
Racist jokes Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
i'm a functioning alcoholic which means i like alcohol roughly as much as i like functioning.
What's the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a dumpster and hitting an accordion with it.
"[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends" - Overheard on the bus
My surname: 'Ever.' My given forename: 'Superior'. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.
[my original] Why have human fossils never been found in Iran? Because homos in Iran do not exist.
Dear math, I dont wanna help you find your "x" she left you, move on
"Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman
Weird stuff happens to me on Thursday the 12th and Saturday the 14th, too.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!!
Yo mamma conforms to Planck's law - the greater the frequency with which she screws, the more energetic she gets.
I used to know a great joke about a boomarang... Oh well... it'll come back to me.
A baby seal walks into a club. buh dum tssss.
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A circus has a cunning array of stunts
Cannibalism is a real thrill Nail-biting from start to finish.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Two Scarecrows are standing out in a field... One says to the other, "Hey man!"
What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian bail.
what's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
So I met a Jewish girl at the bar last night... [NSFW] She asked me for my number so I wrote it on her arm. Haven't heard from her since...
Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed
You can stop advertising pizza and beer during football. People who watch football know about them.
Why are pedophiles terrible Blackjack players? They don't hit on anything over 14.
I used to have an addiction to dirt But I've now been clean for over a year
so i was walking down the street and this homeless guy was like "hey! give me ten dollars." and i was like "got change for $100"
How does one respond to a black guy sending you a dick pic? TL;DR
Which is the saltiest fish? Tuna
I just saw two blind and deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands down one anothers knickers.....I think they were lip reading?
Killing the earth Arrogant humans, you are not killing the earth. The earth is attempting to kill you.
Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business? Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.
What did the ghost say to the bee? Boo bee
Kim - Where is North West? Kanye - *takes out compass* Kim - I mean my baby! Kanye - I'm right here. Kim - Jesus Kanye! Kanye - Yeezus*
Did you blow bubbles when you were a kid? Because he's back in town looking for you.
January 4th is the commemoration of Schrodinger's death... But since he's is in a box, we are not sure.
Why do woman out live men? They don't have wives
What do you call an Arab riding a camel with a goat on a leash? Bisexual.
A man walks into a library and asks the Mexican librarian which section would have information about Guppies. The librarian answers... "Microfiche".
Im New Here
What's the difference between children and Isis? Drones can't tell either
What is the difference between humor and odor? Humor is a shift of wit, while odor is a whiff of.. Shit.
My favorite Jesus is the one who gives musicians MTV Video Music Awards. My second favorite Jesus is my landscaper.
If Abraham Lincoln was alive today... He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
A magician is driving down a road... ...and turns into a supermarket.
They're making a movie about the death of Steve Irwin Jamie Foxx will be playing Ray
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Boss: It's been a tough year Jim J: Am I laid off? B: No J: Fired? B: No J: What then? B: You're to be executed at noon. J: This is bullshit
David Cameron Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
One in every two and half men are HIV positive. Donate today red.org #tigerblood #WINNING
Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions? They give me the EBGBs.
A Charleston police officer sees a young black man at night... The officer says "Good evening" and keeps on walking.
What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.
whos your future husband or wife mine reddit alien
NSFW What's the problem... ...with licking a bald pussy? Trying to put the nappy back on.
What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal? "nice watch"
What did people call Putin after he lost an arm? Amputin
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It's all legal.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Why is it called the cock? Because it rises in the morning.
Would it have been more or less racist if Air Bud had been a black lab?
"Eat right and exercise?!?... I dunno...seems like some kind of a scam, Doc."
What clothes do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
Why will there never be an Asian president? Because the American people could never make it through the erection without raughing.
What's next to England? A question mark.
NY Friend: "You're in LA, you don't have to shovel anything!" Me: "Yeah? These heaps of broken dreams wont get off the sidewalk themselves."
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I found out a way to go ad - free on youtube with no adblock! Just replace the "you" in youtube with "red" in your URL and it should get rid of them, i guess they were hiding it from us or something.
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Why was the germiphobe scared of coins? Because he was afraid of change.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Yo mamma's so fat... The reserve bank bailed her out, cause she was too big to fail.
What's black and sits at the top of stairs? A paraplegic after a house fire.
Hey baby, I know I've got an STD, but all I need is U to be a STUD
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? **One.** They're very efficient and don't have a great sense of humour.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn ? An eggroll !
Sir, you will have to stop masturbating. "Why, doctor?" "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
[nsfw] Studies show that nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.
I once had a substitute that had no rules, except for no Smashmouth. I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face.
Taken from a UNIX program called fortune. Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
I'm really worried what will happen if Donald Trump runs as a third party candidate. I'm afraid there will be hell toupee.
I'm going to name my daughter "Up"... so when she brings a boy home, I can look him straight in the eye and say, "Don't you dare fuck up."
I saw your mother kicking a can down the street with one shoe. I asked her if she'd lost a shoe. "Naw, found one"
The Queen doesn't like to speak about the paedophiles in her court... They're all touchy subjects.
Me: I'm worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day. Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.
The moon isn't bloody anymore... ...guess it was only a short period.
People who make the fundamental attribution error... ...gonna attribute my hating to my being a hater.
Why can't you run through camp sites? You can only ran because it's past tents.
"The Bible" running on the History Channel is like "Dragons" running on Animal Planet.
Your wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have a decision to make.... Fish or chicken for dinner?
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering???? A: More head room
TIFU by messing up someone's sandwich order Whoops, wrong sub!
Chuck Norris makes onions cry when he cuts them up.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Well it don't matter i ain't coming anyway!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[boarding plane with really old pilot] "think his heart will hold out? lol" attendent: excuse me, sir? "depart out, what time do we leave?"
What's the difference between Jesus and a whore? The expression on their face when they're getting nailed.
Why was Jesus I such good shape? Crossfit. Why did the Romans hate Jesus so much? He wouldn't shut up about crossfit.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
a sociologist finally solved the mystery of why men tend to die earlier than their respective wives they want to.
A Baby Whale asks his father where he came from... His father says, "My penis, son." "Oh, thanks Dad" "You're Whalecum"
Q: Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head? A: Because from a distance they looked like hares.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it's like a little party on your face.
[watching "Cinderella"] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.
Why did Hitler blows his brains out?... Because he saw his gas bill. Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp. He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.
Whenever I'm sad I remember that Ryan Seacrest tried to high-five a blind guy. Then I feel better about myself.
For sale: one parachute. Only used once, never opened, slight stain.
I don't care about following a 'funny' celebrity from tv on Twitter-instead I look up who writes for their show then follow that person.
there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin "i miss america" and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash
Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog.
My gran'dad made moonshine and died at the ripe old age of 38...    Ellen Degeneris
I got enough money to retire and enjoy life without ever working again.. .. if I die within the next month.
What do you call a communist who's also a good sniper? a Marxman
What to you call a russian with 3 Bollocks? Hudyaget Dat-Bollocov
Wanna hear my vegetable joke? Nah, It's too corny.
Beer commercials tell us we should drink "responsibly". So I'm starting a college fund for my kids with all the empty cans.
Idea: a Chinese restaurant called You Dim Sum You Lose Some.
What is E.T short for? He only has little legs.
98% of lawyers give the other 2% a bad name
So Hitler was helping Anne Frank with her homework. She was having alot of trouble with it, so Hitler said "It's ok Anne, you just need more concentration!"
A man learned that every time he reposted a joke on Reddit, he gained a year to live. He was already immortal.
What did the dentist in the porno say? "Your teeth are the whitest I've come across."
Last year, I went to study abroad and I am NOT HAPPY about it! This year, my girlfriend is going to study a dude.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...
So I have a joke about pizza... ...but it's too cheesy
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.
It was so cold last night I saw a lawyer with his hands in his *own* pockets.
I'm not a Reddit admin... But 20 McNuggets is 20 McNuggets
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish off a race.
Went to a parade. For an hour, bored people on floats waved. For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back. It was the greatest day of her life.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, there's no need for a lightbulb with a glass ceiling.
What do you call a picture of an electric piano? Photosynthesis!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
You aren't going to believe who the most amazing person is. Just read the first two words!
Why don't they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button? I think it's because of the escape button.
I've got a joke. So the other day I found out I'm really bad at telling stories.
I hate autocorrect I texted my grandma saying "Sex tonight". I meant tomorrow
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says"DING!"
My girlfriend is weird She starts all of our conversations with "Are you even listening to me?".
[highschool reunion] CLASSMATE: I'm a top chef. You? ME: I'm an avoca C: a what M: an avoca C: what's an avoca do M: a top chef would know
Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think "Look at that healthy jogger"
What does a power ranger say before they do drugs? It's morphine time!
[Riot] "WHAT DO WE WANT" *far in the back* PIZZA ROLLS "No Jim we want freedom" "WHAT DO WE WANT" PIZZA ROLLS "JIM" But I'm hungry :(
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Why do women spend less time in prison than men? Because a period ends a sentence.
How often do chemists use HIO4? periodically
What letter stands for the ocean? The letter C.
So I was applying to be a time machine technician.. There wasn't any openings right now, but there may be in the future.
What do you call 100 lesbians with assault rifles? Militia Etheridge
So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?
Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because he was Haydn.
I've never been good when it comes to Greek mythology. It truly is my Achille's elbow.
This world would be a much better place if some people's mothers would've just had a headache.
Why illegal immigrants are never seen on dvds or cassettes? Because they are always streaming in!
Hellen Keller walks into a bar... Then a chair, then a table.
I hate it when people on a commercial have more fun in 30 seconds than I'll ever have on my whole life.
Santa hates penguins True fact. Santa hates penguins. In truth, they are polar opposites.
what idot labeled all the orange juice labels w/ "no pulp" insted of "pulp fiction"
We all bring something different to the table. I have all of my teeth and can read.
What did the blind man say to the deaf man? Nothing. Because the blind man can't fucking see him and even if he said something, the deaf man wouldn't be able to fucking hear it.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it's best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I'll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to end the banter before two people announce who won an Emmy.
What do prayers and my Reddit submissions have in common? No one fucking reads them.
morning air, meet nipples. nipples, meet everyone
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don't want to make something out of my life.
Learned today that it's about 12 min after realizing there's no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are
They say that sex relieves stress. Not true. I had sex last week and the police have been after me ever since.
What do you call a bunch of homosexual African-American redditors? Black ops.
What women want.. ...is a penis made of chocolate that ejaculates money.
I no longer see my wife and kids because of gambling. I won a shitload of money and moved to Spain.
I love when commercials are like "because four million people can't be wrong," because then I'm like, "Really? even Nazi Germany?"
Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"
Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub. Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!" Me: "And now for the good news...!"
*puts on headphones *cranks "Eye of the Tiger" *downs energy drink *laces up Nikes *runs out into 13 weather *runs back inside *Naps
What do you call a white man in a ghetto? An ambulance.
*Makes pinatas that look like people's exes *Retires a billionaire
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
how did hitler tie his shoesies? with little nazis
A three legged dog walks into a bar... Goes up to the bartender and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
My dad is so cheap. He scolded me for running home behind the bus once, and saving the *fare. He said I should have run behind a taxi, and saved a lot more.
What did the super smart dude say to the moron?
I think black people are great Everybody should own one!
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can't even get everyone to use the same date format?
[job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times
What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke.
Two cops knocked on my door Me: What do you want? Cops: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are out there? Cops: There's two of us. Me: So why don't you talk with each other?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you're paying attention to her.
My daughter swam with dolphins for $2,000. I think she should've been able to have sex with them for that price.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you
Which country has a drug-addicted king? Hyrule.
[at a bar] *creepy dude is hitting on me* Me: you wanna get outta here? Him: yeah Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Donald Trump put out an ad that said, "I can make you a millionaire in three months" with one small caveat... Billionaires only.
What is that thing called when your crush likes you back? Imagination.
Cop to driver: "How high are you?" Driver to cop: "No, no, no. You're supposed to say 'Hi, how are you?'"
the college art history director was instructing the graduating class on what to do during the ceremony One girl says to another "does this dumb old codger think we dont know how to work a tassle?"
Apparently the world is run by a secret society of cheese makers. The hallouminati
Barista: Can I get your name? Me: Lisa Barista: Pizza? Me: Yeah, that's fine.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your sister's ass.
Obama played the race card, Hillary played the gender card But America played the Trump Card
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.
How did the chicken cross the street in the ghetto In a bucket
You can tell a lot about a person during the opening of Queen's "Under Pressure" depending on how bummed they are it's not "Ice Ice Baby".
What is the opposite of sex? Laughter.. Ha ha..
On our first date, i'll carve our initials onto a tree. Because it's the most romantic way to let you know that I have a knife
Do penises and testicles have much in common? Not really. There's a vas deferens between the two.
Monks teach peace and harmony, but they sure do seem to like resistance.. Ohmmmmmm.
I used to be a narcissist... ...but now look at me.
What did the first airplane engine say to the second airplane engine? "Are we there soon?" "Not jet."
A man goes to a prostitute and later he finds out he has crabs. When he goes back to complain, the prostitute says "It was only five dollars, what did you expect, lobster?"
The other day, a frog jumped underneath my lawmower.. I guess he was trying to *kermit* suicide.
Did you hear? Tony Romo tried committing suicide after yesterday's game... But the bullet was intercepted.
"Everyday I'm mumblin'"-Bane
"I have a dream that one day little black children will work together with little white children, to destroy Superman."  Martin Luthor King
How does the Black Knight sneeze? "Have-at-choo!"
I lost all my Pokemon cards in a fire I only have Ash now
I failed my AP Biology test... They asked; "what is something commonly found in cells?" Apparently black people wasn't the correct answer
What's worst than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust Worse*
What did the optimist say to his doctor when he found out he had lung cancer? "Well, I'll deal with this asbestos I can!"
What's North America's most famous red wine? Give back our land!
Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underwear? Chernobyl fall out
So a guy walks into a bar... And yells, "I HAVE EBOLA!"
What do my dad and God have in common? I've never seen or heard from either of them.
What kind of degree do you inherit through marriage? A degree in law.
So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I'm a douche.nnBatman does it & it's a bad-ass utility belt. nnnDouble standard.
Pedophiles aren't all bad... The always drive the speed limit in school zones.
My cute kitten Aww, wrong sub.
Give a man a fish... And, apparently, you're a shitty secret Santa.
What do you call people who use the pull-out method? Mom and Dad.
ME: The Wizard told me to choose between a good memory and a big dick GIRL : Wow.. Which did you pick? ME: I can't remember.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist's hair behind her ear with my toes*
Dark humor is like food... ...Not everyone gets it.
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends
What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal? A very upset child.
What kind of bees are sometimes filled with milk? BOO-BEES! (boobies)
What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together we can stop this shit.
How many dead hookers does it take to screw a light bulb? Why the hell would my basement even need light?
Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one has insurance. Don't kill him."
What do you call a girl who does from butt injections? Ass-fix-iation
What is the difference between a corn-shucker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
Why do tumblr users make for poor gunmen? They are afraid of triggers.
What is the worst race of ghosts? ...Spooks
Why did all the female pandas want to mate with that one male panda? Because he had the big bamboo.
You know why it's called PMS? ...there's already something called Mad Cow Disease.
I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any... Because it was SO-DIMM.
What does a Russian say before having sex? I'm Putin it in.
What do you call a lion in the circus. A Carny-vore
The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men. They are sending them out to sea.
A good time I met a girl at the bar and she said she'd show me a good time. So we went outside, and she ran the 100 meter dash in 10.53 seconds.
The more time you spend with your lover, the more you become like them. That explains why I'm so childish.
She like, literally died. ~White girls' headstones
What do you call freshly made cheese? Goudas-new
I like my coffee like I like my wife... cold and bitter.
What kind of cake is even worse than fruitcake? Bukkake.
Why don't anteaters get sick ? Because they are full of antibodies!
Incest Competition My town is having its monthly incest competition, I entered my sister.
I'll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I met up with my internet friend yesterday. We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.
"Captain, have you ever made love at sea?" "No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."
Beyonce: 'Who run the world?' Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
There is no "we" in chocolate.
Reminder to all Americans: Remember to set your clock back by 75 years today.
Why do we use whiteboards instead of blackboards? Because black boards matter.
My girlfriend and I have been arguing a lot recently Last night she threw a lettuce at me. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
You can tell a lot about a person by how quickly they grab their phone back to make sure you don't scroll through the rest of their photos.
Why do fat chicks give the best head? Because they have to.
I love puns about England... They really Brighton my day.
My boss called in sick today He must have went to Disneyland.
A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day... After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him.
What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a  flea ? Bugs Bunny !
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I've only missed one day
I started a camp for kids with ADHD. It's a Concentration camp.
Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings? He went to Jared.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.
Why didn't Vietnam return to feudalism following 1975? 'Cause Charlie don't serf.
My entire life is just a test To see whether I'll commit suicide or homicide first.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I'd be upset, but I've been too busy licking off the bricks.
Whats the difference between an apple and a dead baby I dont come on my apple before I eat it
So, a man walks into a bar... and he gets a bruise on his head. (Yes, I know its a bad joke.)
kk People who write kk instead of Okay or OK are 66.67% white supremacists.
Doctor: it's important to incorporate purple foods into your diet. Me: *eats purple cupcakes*
Can't find my belt so I'll just need to get fatter.
Where do you take a sick ship? To the doc(k)!
What do rednecks do on halloween? Pumpkin
I've recently begun living with a horse. At first, I was worried the smell might be a problem But, you know what? He doesn't seem to mind
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird
Why did the strawberry cross the road? There was a traffic jam.
Poland... Poland - a country between Russia to the east and Germany to the west. If they piss Russia off, they turn the gas off. If they piss Germany off they turn the gas on.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose... But you can't pick your friend's nose
There's no place like home. (to poop)
What do you call it when you get an erection at a funeral? Mourning Wood.
My computer is so slow . . . . . . I get a progress bar when I copy and paste . . . text.
I like telling people I'm 4 months pregnant so they'll tell me how great I look.
You learn something new everyday Unless you go to faith school
What's the most political particle? *Elect*rons
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I'm responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.
I didn't think my golf joke was that good, but everyone kept assuring me it was subpar.
I went shopping for the latest iPhone. Unfortunately, the Apple Store had sold out, so I didn't end up 6sful.
Have you guys seen the Petrified Forrest? Those trees are scared!
I heard paralympic basketball players are very selfish, they never pass All they do is dribble.
I fed the pigs at my farm their food, I guess I could say they went ham
One could say that Brexit has been ... ... quite secessful.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on. The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?" She responded "ICU" He said "No you don't."
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
"Talk dirty to me!"she begged. "Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"
Why couldn't Hillary rig the election like she rigged the DNC? She deleted that email.
What do you say to a women with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice.
Words can't describe how beautiful someone is... But numbers can. 4/10
Son asks his father for money. So, a Jewish kid says to his father, "Dad can I have twenty dollars?" The dad replies, "Ten dollars!?...what are you going to buy with five dollars?"
[Emergency Room] MRS. PINATA: Will my husband make it, doc? DOCTOR *slurping on sucker*: We'll do what we can but he's lost a lot of candy
What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port? No thanks, it's bad for my grout.
The D word that everyone's been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently. Aaaaand there's HR calling me. Brb.
Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Did you hear about the actress that got stabbed last night? Reese... Reese something...
my Liam Nissan is missing from the parking lot it's been taken  2014
After seeing some of the things posted on /r/Jokes lately, I believe it's time someone finally said something. Something.
What did Disney call their remake of Dante's Inferno? 101 damnations
So a termite walks into a bar and asks... "Is the bartender here?'
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
How's college supposed to prepare you for the real world? All it does is make you tired and stressed out and anxious and nevermind I get it.
ME: I give you all my love and infection. HIM: Um. Don't you mean love and 'affection'? ME: ... HIM: ... ME: You should get tested.
When I see Scary Spice now I can't help but think our fear threshold was much lower in the mid-90s
Me: promise you won't show anyone? Him: promise *sends pics H: that's pics of fruit snacks M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their ass?
Why is your washing machine always laughing? It's taking the piss out of your knickers!
DraftKings/Fanduel Anyone know where I can find a promo code?
My wife said she is leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn't have the same ring to it.
How do you spot a vegan at a party? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
How do you know you're playing a Jewish Football team (American Football) On defense, they only run the Dime Formation
If you can't handle me at my worst then I should probably pull myself together and be considerate of others.
Why do burgers laugh when you surround them with pickles? Who knows - maybe they're picklish!
Marry Christmas Fuck New Year's Eve Kill Easter
What is a pedophile's favorite soap opera? The Young and The Breast-less
A pirate is sitting at a bar... In walks in a civil rights activist, a communist, and a dog. The pirate says, "Well, today's my lucky day! X, Marx, and the Spot!"
Guess a movie funded by reddit featuring Tom Hanks and Matt Damon.???? Shaving Pao's Privates. ;)
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Met a microbiologist this morning He was bigger than I expected.
What do you call a 16th-century seer who drinks straight out of the can? No-straw-damus! (please be gentle on me as you berate me.)
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I was going to say a joke about Sodium. . But Na.
I can't let my girlfriend leave me I'd lose a hand
I can't show how much I hate exclamation points without looking like a hypocrite.
What's an American's favourite day of the week? Fryday.
I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?
I had my credit card stolen. About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim...
Some (Hopefully OC) poem I thought of while lounging around. There once was a man named Larry Whose stomach detested dairy He had ice cream Harmless it seemed But next afternoon he was buried
I make apocalypse jokes... Like there's no tomorrow
*Uses public restroom **Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
How do we know hamburgers have high IQ's? They 'loin' fast!
Why are erectile dysfunction jokes so unfunny? They're not hard to make.
If Daryl doesn't get laid this season, I'm gonna have to say that this documentary is fake. #TheWalkingDead
We had a muslim friend.. Who was always late to the class. We used to call him 9/12. Edit: he is still my best friend.
Actual air attendant: "Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st"
So the FBI paid professional hackers to unlock the shooter's iPhone. But whenever I pay hackers to unlock an iPhone, I'm "too insecure to be in a relationship".
Where do really smart birds roost? In a dictonaerie.
When do Catholics allow the use of condoms? When the choir boys have diarrhea.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive . . . Pretty soon Id be attractive
I was at the airport when I saw a soldier returning home. The first thing he said was, "look mom, no hands."
If a girl asks if you think she's fat, say yes. She'll value your honesty. Day 47: I didn't even know we had a basement. Help. You can only regurgitate food and water for so long.
I contemplated suicide earlier. Then I thought about homicide. Finally I thought f*ck it, I hate crosswords, I'm off to the pub.
What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker? Jesus wants to get fucked for free.
Why is. Dr.Dre's Headphones so popular? Beats me.
9/11 was an inside job! 10 did it
You could introduce a raccoon to a walrus as "my Grandpa Steven," and neither would bat an eye. THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT ANIMALS.
"911 wats ur emergency" hi-- huh? um-- so, uh-- ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number
SEO Expert walks into a bar... An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...
Last night I poured a hot bath, lit candles and turned on the radio. Then I threw them into the bath because I'm a guy and was curious.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bronte ! Bronte who ? Bronte of the blow !
"I need to get laid man!"nn- eggs (in the chicken)
Someone asked me who do I prefer "Chris Brown or Rihanna?" Chris Brown beats Rihanna every time.
What do you call a man who rides his camel backwards? Lawrence of Dublin.
MUMMY VAMPIRE: Jimmy hurry up and drink your soup before it clots.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you slap the mosquito it stops sucking.
What was Hitler's favorite drunk food? Dictator-tots.
What is the difference between my grandma and a newborn baby? When I fuck my grandma up the ass she doesn't die.
If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.
What did the heatsink say to the CPU? "I'm a huge fan!"
When a couple argues the guy will say what's on his mind, the girl will say what's on her mind & 99 other things that should've been on his.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred's car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
What do you call a pig with three eyes? A PIIIG! (was told to me by a 11 yr old in my class =])
Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven is a convicted felon and it is clear that prison life wasn't easy on him. It doesn't help that Six is, naturally, a little timid.
What is a dogs favourite flower ? Anything in your garden !
CRUEL JOKE What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas? Cancer.
My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm too skeptical. But I don't believe her.
A math teacher ask his students, "What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds, "10Q." The teacher responds, "You're welcome/"
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can't remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They'll write her name on the cup for ya!
If a lobsters come in on lobster boats, and clams come in on clam boats, what do crabs come in on? The captain's dinghy.
There's a sign at the airport in Pristina Welcome to Kosovo Your car is already here
What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse? Brothel Sprouts.
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
What did the doctor say to the short guy in a hurry? You're going to have to be a little patient.
Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.
I am quite ambitious every morning. I always do 10 sit-ups, just to hit the snooze button 10 times.
Wife to her Husband Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"
Another Knock Knock Joke Knock Knock... Who's There? Autch Autch-Who? Gesundheit....
Need help with a joke!!! Not sure if this is allowed, but I need a joke that involves the word "statesmen" for a contest with my friends. Please help!
What is the hardest part about admitting you are a gay lion? Having to swallow your pride.
How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting? Talk in your sleep.
I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French. I give up.
In September a 127 yr old woman passed away, which we already KNOW is a lie bc the earth isn't even 127 yrs old. Don't be ignorant.
May: What position does your brother play in  the school football team ? Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks !
The guy will stand up to get knocked down But the girl will lie down to get knocked up
I swear that I'm not addicted to cocaine... ...I just like the way it smells.
Facebook's great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? Zero.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a Columbian mule.
Why did the angles have such high self esteem? Because they kept complementing each other.
What do you call a chick who studies astronomy and has a big booty? Hubble butt.
How do you say goodbye to 230,000 Indonesians? A big wave.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym "DBOF": Don't Be On Fire
The Best Way to Enjoy a Good Wine is to First Open the Bottle and Allow it to Breathe. Then if it does not look like it is breathing, give it mouth to mouth.
What did the earwig say as it fell down the stairs ? Ear we go !
Did you hear that Hillary dropped out of the presidential race? They did a colonoscopy and found out she had a brain tumor.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I'm gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
how do you wake lady gaga up? poke her face
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.... ....she was in charge of the hops.
If they release three more sequels of 'Fast and Furious' series... They should name the last one - "Fast10 - Your Seatbelt" in memory of Paul Walker.
Soo... I guess when he asked for my number he didn't mean how many lovers I've had?
Don't believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Have you heard the one about the angry mob? It's a riot.
Son, it's finally the time for us to talk about sex -- But dad! -- No buts! That is all.
Science tells us there are far fewer female autists than male... But thanks to the pay gap, there are far more female starving autists.
Mad props to New York for dressing up as New Orleans for Halloween.
My friend's Italian mom recently broke her collarbone skiing, and has very limited movement in her left arm. She says the main problem is the speech impediment.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn't, maybe consider being nicer to me.
What is a drill team? A group of dentists who work together.
Postal workers are some of the most innovative people around They really push the envelope.
Remember, when you're driving in the snow, it's important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don't get stuck.
How can you tell when your sister is on her period? When you dads dick tastes like blood.
What does Joe Biden say as he is leaving his house? Biden
Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight.
What did the network engineer give to his fiancee? A token ring.
My friend turned up to my costume party dressed as an abacus. I knew I could count on him.
What advice does Jay Leno receive when sad? Chin up pal.
The England squad have been receiving death threats and this morning they awoke to find a horses head. Fortuneatly, it was only Wayne Rooney asleep.
Which insect do asian people eat the most of? Lice
What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books? If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein.
[Ouija board] O spirits, let me talk to m- C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I *squints* What the heck? A 3G board?
Why did the eagle fly into the church? It was a bird of pray
Once I told a noble gas joke... There wasn't a reaction
My husband and I are trying to set up a new password for our computer. My husband puts, "Mypenis," and I fall on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they'll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Who do women produce milk for? The baby and the dad.
Canadian What to do when a Canadian throws a grenade for you?
50 cent heelys into a library. he slips and knocks over all the bookshelves. all the library users leave in disgust. they swear at him
If someone came to my door & said "We'll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink." I'd be living large.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? None.
Non-tweeting friend: "So it's like FB?" Me: "Except everyone's mean & sarcastic & brutally honest." "Sounds awf..." "Awesome. I know."
Did you know that if you pull the pin off of grenade and hold it up to your ear You can actually hear the world getting smarter.
A person on this website accused me of writing "a thousand bad jokes" and I was like wow that's a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? None!
A very pixelated Loch Ness Monster showed up at my door... He said "Imma need about 8-bitty."
"Hermit crab" describes me twice.
I have high friends in places.
What kind of root is only easy to find on paper? *A square one.*
Did you know that 95% of Jews aren't Jews? They're dead
I like my coffee like I like my women Ground up and in the freezer.
I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.
The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice. Courtesy of Mary Poppins.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: last warning, you have a week to get the money together.
Takes a second to understand. The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[God inventing iguanas] Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren't
Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at 'Sporting Goods?' Because he likes Dick's better.
(NSFW) we all want something... White people: legalize gay marriage!! Black people: legalize weed!! Mexicans: legalize us!!
Just got some new ecstasy pills from Moscow.. I'm absolutely Russian my tits off!
started my own brewery kindof just pour root beer into square bottles.
I'm going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they'll let me take.
Don't anthropomorphize your pets... They hate it when you do that.
My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be "brave" and "daring" by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.
"you are the only one who understands me" i whisper to a piece of pizza.
The search for the mystery penis chopper goes on Detective jones has had a tip off, but will be back at work on Monday.
When hoes say, new year new me... they really mean new guys, new dick.
Friends don't let friends make Harlem Shake' videos...
What's black and screams like fuck? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Sometimes I feel like a semi-colon I don't know where I belong ;
What's worse then 10 dead babies in a barrel? 1 dead baby in 10 barrels. EDIT: dumpsters, sorry guise.
*drinks milkshake* *runs to yard* *sifts through all the boys* *sighs* *puts up more posters for missing son*
What do you call a serial killing cannibal who catches on fire easily? Flammable Lector.
I brought my son a refrigerator for his birthday I just can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they're building... Me: what a great place to bury a body!
How many Germans does to take to screw in a light bulbs? NEIN, NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN
A guy bought himself a new boomerang... ... but he couldn't get rid of the old one.
What do you call a young Israeli boy? Jew-nior
The two year anniversary of Fred Phelps death was on Saturday. I hope no one made any tasteless jokes about his passing. After all, God hates gags.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn? To scare off Cat burglars!
Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was lousy, but the reception was great!
The "bishop" came to our church today He was a fucking impostor. Never once moved diagonally.
Two Condoms are walking past a gay bar... ... one turns to the other and says, "Wanna go get shit faced?"
What do you call a muslim in the 90's? Radical
Why did the chicken lay an egg? (Quoted from daughter at age 3) To get food for her babies!
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was lousy, but the reception was great.
Can't believe it's 2012 and still possible for me to cut myself shaving.
A Cleveland Browns fan passed away In his will, he wrote that he wanted 6 players from the team to serve as his pallbearers, so that they could let him down one last time.
Joke a friend made up What's black and yellow and makes everyone laugh? A school bus full of black people falling off a cliff.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Life is like a basketball... It has its ups and downs and is controlled by people that are taller and make more money than you.
I realize I misspelled a word in my last Tweet. On that note I'm about to eat a Famous Anus cookie.
The person who invented knocking should win the Nobell prize
What's a Vice Presidents favorite type of math function? An Al Gore-ithm
Why couldn't the scientist understand what the photon was saying? Because the photon was incoherent.
Watson returns from work one day... and finds Sherlock in bed with a very young girl. "Christ, Sherlock! How old is this girl?" "Elementary, my dear Watson."
Sorry for the absence, my tweeties. My hubs and kids cooked their own dinner, and I've been unfreezing hell with a blowtorch ever since.
Did you hear about the great Alphabet war of 1938? The last letter of the alphabet declared war on all the not-zs.
What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ? Unstable.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
How to teach a cat how to bark? Pour some gasoline on it and WOOF!
If 50 cent went broke what would he still have? lotta bills..
What is a pirates favorite letter? R? No it be the C!
On average, how many books can you put in an empty backpack? One. After that it's no longer empty
An Eskimo was driving through new Zealand His car suddenly broke down after a small wait the mechanic told him "aw shut bro you've blown a seal" to which the Eskimo replies "shut up you fuck sheep"
"I have 29 seconds left to live... Please let me just hear our song before I die" Anything you want! *googles song* *30 second ad plays* NOO
What do you call a dog that goes to the beach? Ballroom blitz
What's an example of Jewish foreplay? When the Rabbi makes a three-pointer at the Bris.
Why do parents love BB-8 so much? He is a great role model.
What's the difference between Trump and a bucket of shit I don't have a shit bucket in my garage
How many Liberals does it take to change a lightbulb? The light bulb doesn't want to change and you should stop forcing it to do what it doesn't want to do.
What was Jesus's least favorite bone? The blasfemur
When I die I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not like his terrified passengers.
I'm pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Just heard this oldie, but goodie from a friend Two does are walking out of a bar after a long night of drinking, and one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks."
(WW1 1915) ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan? ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to- ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man's emptiness, yes...
NSFW How is a female cyclist like a prostitute? They both peddle pussy!
What makes a freezer and a gay man different? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon 
Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion. Somebody is lying.
Breaking news: A man has drowned in a bowl of Cheerios. Ironically his family didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.
Pinocchio How did Pinocchio find out he had a wooden dick? His hand caught on fire.
Who is Gary Johnson? I don't Aleppknow
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday. I replied asking them to call her because she can't read.
What is the last sound you hear before a pussy hair hits the ground? (spitting sound)
What did the little black kid think when he got diarrhea? He was melting
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
So earlier I held the door for an Asian guy... He said "Sank you" ...so I punched him. I couldn't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
What's the most common way to trigger a feminist? Right away.
I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.
Did you hear they're gonna make a new TV show about Bruce growing up as an unloved child? They're gonna call it Punky Bruceter.
How does Super Mario contact the dead? He uses a Luigi board.
It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University. Because then it would be Seminole fluid.
my ex-wife still misses me but her aim is getting better!! joaje
Velcro. What a rip-off.
What's the difference between a kid and a drawer? A drawer won't scream when I force my junk into it.
There are 3 kinds of people in the world those who can count and those who can't.
What did the statue say to the other statue? Hey, S-tat-ue?
I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, "Chivalry is Dead". I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. He wasn't even trending on Twitter".
Why is this joke bad for the environment? Because it wasn't recycled.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write "No DMs" in your bio.
Third grade Why did the blonde have the biggest boobs in the third grade? She was 23.
What do you call a depressed bear? Bipolar
If GoT fans of Jon Snow are called Snowflakes, and the ones for Tirion are Tiriots, why is Arya the favorite character of Donald Trump supporters? They're Aryans.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher* DR: what happened EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon DR: WE'VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Did you hear that Castro's body double retired? He was tired of playing second Fidel.
Why can't dyslexics tell jokes? They always punch up the fuckline.
Having a child with down syndrome really is the best deal. You buy 46 chromosomes, and get one free.
I like my sex like I like my belts... If it's not tight enough, I'll move it to another hole .
cat: mew me: actually its about games in journalism *cat continues to ask for food*
"The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus."
9 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta... F*ck you guys this is funny to me.
If I'm carrying a torch for you it's only because I want to set you on fire.
Ho ho ho! But that's enough about the Kardashians, merry Christmas everyone!
A rainbow took an exam... It passed with flying colours.
I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day... I said "you disgust me" "Yes, we did" they replied.
What do you call two gay black guys? An Oreo cookie.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Women are too sensitive. My friend said she was having twins. All I said was at least you'll finally have 2 kids with the same father.
50 Shades of Grey banned by Indonesia. "We cannot condone this depravity," said Muhammad Adul, accompanied by his 9-year-old wife.
Darth Vader watched The Harry Potter movies "It was pretty wizard i guess" said Darth Vader
Did you hear about the new viking movie staring the guy who played Han Solo? It's called Harrison's Fjord
Why does George R.R Martin never use Twitter? Because he killed all 140 characters.
Two sex workers enter Trump's Russian hotel room. Sex worker: "On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate us?" Trump: "Urinate"
how i look like Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
I like my women how I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer
What is the friend zone? It's the space between girlfriend and girl friend.
"6-6x6 = ?" Little hint: It is not 32 Edit: It gets funnier the longer you wait
Sometimes I wish I was a cat just so I can constantly ignore everything said to me while licking the inside of my thigh.
What's the difference between Swine flu, and Bird flu? one requires 'oinkment' and the other needs 'tweetment'. i'm sorry.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
What do you get when you cross a ring-tailed lemur with a U-Haul truck? I'm not sure, but I know ***IT LIKES TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT***
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that" You should of seen her face. Priceless
If a 4-year-old says, "I'm scared there's a monster living under my bed" Don't reply, "Oh, that's where he's been hiding." I know that now.
What is the last thing you eat before  you die? You bite the dust.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don't sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Spell extra wise in two letters. YY (2 y's)
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
[10mins from now] ..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
So, two neutrinos walk through a bar...
Study finds Washington state residents consumed 175 metric tons of pot in 2013 (real news) As a result, the state is changing it's slogan to "Whoa Dude."
Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL'd at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools' jokes.
If love didn't hurt, it wouldn't be called love...it would be called tacos.
I am a man with convictions. Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
No one knows if you're cool when you're a jew because backwards yarmulkes look the same as normal ones
How do you tell when a girl really wants you? When you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse.
WANTED: Fun for Chemists (type jokes pls) I'd tell you a good chem joke but the best ones argon.
So I told a premature baby joke at an open mic night but I don't think the crowd liked it. Apparently it was too soon
A fish swims into a wall....... Dam.
Bro:hey how are you? Me: eh, feeling stabby B: B:I'm afraid if I tell you that's not a real word you'll show me what it means. Me: smart
My wife hired a fact checker for when we argue.
How do u Find a Blind Man In a Nude Convention Its not Hard
How many syllables does the word "Gloria" have? CATHOLICS: 18
Apologies to General Tso for what I'm about to do to his chicken.
What do you call a rock band with a perfectionist in it? OCDC
idon't know what to say honsetly :\ ....00100 :D hey evrey body fuck yu !!
How does a black man ride a black stallion? With no legs.
What is a bigot? A bigot is anyone winning an argument with a liberal.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I've eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
What do you call a sad state? Missouri
Why is the nose in the middle of the face? Because it's the scenter.
What do you call the useless skin around the vagina? The woman.
Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was into beastiality you Islamophobe... He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday.
Haters gonna hate, potaters gonna potate.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the parking lot.
Bumped into an old friend. We were both staring down at our phones. We just kept walking.
Why did the "Ringling Bros." Circus finally go out of business? They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.
Why does America spell colour without the u? because fuck u
"I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though." - Mountain Men on History Channel
A mushroom walks into a bar... and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi.
What did the mute say to the priest? Nothing
What do you call a bossy kitty? A pushy cat
**What's the difference between eating pizza and eating pussy?** The crust on a pizza tastes good
I was playing Battleship with my tumor... I won though, my last hit was B9.
They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile Not me. I live next to two guys who keep reposting a century-old joke
My friend and I got featured on a listicle. We both think that most listicles are awful attempts to just get ad revenue but hey, at least we're on the same page.
If Indiana Jones was a new-born Christian what would he change his job title to? Arkeologist.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter because he's not coming
What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs? A girl scout that got hit by a car.
Did you hear about the ancient bisexual motorcycle gang made up of Norse monarchs? They're called the bi-kings
Hey Jerry Sandusky! What's the best thing about sex with twenty nine year olds? There's twenty of them!
So I had this idea to make money by selling bottled bottles ...It made no cents
Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower. On 2. Go! Football parenting
What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to? She draws a smack!
I haven't talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of '06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.
What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home? "Where on Earth have you been??!!" **Thank you, I'll be here all night... Edit: Thanks for da love Dr. Jones!
Everyone knows that if you pee in a dream, you pee in real life... But did you know that if you go off a guard rail in a dream, you go off a guard rail in real life?
What do you call the "Dirty Jobs" guy beating someone up? A Mike Rowe Aggression
The four scariest words any husband can hear are "guess what today is?"
What do you call two Jews having sex? A Kosher pork
Dark humour is like food. Not everyone gets it
Bernie Sanders is elected president &lt;/joke&gt;
The only problem with shopping online is that you can't sit on a bench in the mall and judge everyone else who walks by.
TIFU by not taking my ADHD medication. Oh, hey. Check this out! There's a whole nother box for typing stuff.
For Father's Day I got my dad a bunch of connectors for copper pipe. I thought it was a fitting gift.
Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking? They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.
CLICKBAIT JOKE THAT WILL MAKE YOU SAY "Why is it deleted?" [Deleted]
A man walks into a bar... and stays there my entire childhood.
How do you know when your wife is having an orgasm? when you come home from work and see my car in your driveway.....
I saw a guy with the word "Integrity" tattooed on the back of his leg & "Inspiration" on the other. Man, the backs of my legs are slackers
Why don't seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!
What Does Donald Trump Say as an acknowledgment during a discussion of a clever point made at one's expense? Toupee' my friend...Toupee'
What is Nemo's favorite drink? Nemonade
Best part of cleaning the apartment is putting new magazines on the coffee table so you can look cultured for the guests you don't have over
(Works better spoken) The seaman was asked what he was doing when he got out. He said when he got discharged he'd be buried in pussy.
There once was a fellow McSweeny Who spilled some gin on his weenie Just to be couth He added vermouth Then slipped his girlfriend a martini
I caught a disease on my trip to Sparta... The doctor says I have Leonitis
why did they invent white chocolate? so black kids can make a mess too...
hear about the guy who got an Indian tattooed on his arm his arm stopped working
Opening a bag of M&M's will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it's like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures
Why did Xmen's Cyclops go to the doctors? Because he needed laser eye surgery!
TIL that 1 in every 10 people in North America lives next door to a pedophile. Not me. I live next door to a smoking hot 8 year old.
I like to go to the vet It's a lot cheaper than the doctor. The only shitty part is the thermometer
Hey girl, how 'bout some head? - Henry VIII
If you could eliminate one entire race off of the face of the planet, which would you choose? the 5k fun run, or the 100 meter dash?
What's the best thing about twenty eight year olds? There's twenty of them.
I once hung out with Rupert Murdoch (Fox News Boss) and Vince McMahon (WWE)... ...they spent the whole day sharing tips and tricks to manage the make-believe worlds they have created.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!
I tried to buy admission to the World-famous Knife Museum... ...but people kept cutting in line.
I've Been Bitten! by A. Flea
Alpha male An alpha male walks into a pharmacy and asks for Beta blockers.
My dad only lets me keep 2 pet ravens at a time Nevermore
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one fifth of what comes out of her vagina is retarded.
Food critics have it easy... everything is handed to them on a silver platter.
How come blind people never tell bad jokes? Because they can't "see themselves out" :D ..I'll.. I'll see myself out.
I pitched my movie idea to a producer . It was about a kid who found out his transgender uncle was a superhero. I called it Auntman, the producer didn't get the idea, because he was black...
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82... ...I'm easily lead
Why can't you keep a secret in a cornfield? There's too many ears
Dating tip: Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask "Where should I put this horse?" When she tells you, say no
What do you call a special kid's computer? (Xpost - r/imgoingtohellforthis) System of a Down
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
You ever had a wish sandwhich It's were you have 2 pieces of white bread, and wish you had some meat
Hannibal Lector must have slept around... I heard he was quite the man-eater.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station] Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please Me trying to open a window cos it's stuffy: in a minute
Why don't the Borg procreate naturally? Because they prefer artificial assimilation.
A Bill Dawes one-liner "Sex with two guys and a girl isn't called a threesome it's gay sex with a witness"
Did you hear about the transvestite? He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss. No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills.
Humour is of two types  below the belt and above the forehead.
Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
What is a six figure income? 9 year old Nephew: Triangle?? No Square??
Can I favorite people's favorites of me? Looking for more affirmation.
How many redditers does it take to change a light bulb? 3. One to screw it in, the next to claim credit and the third to be a bot that reposts.
A carpenter goes to a brothel. Had a threesome with two bi whores.
If Barrack Obama wrote a book what would it be called? 50 states of gay.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.
What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
No One Understands Me I'm a barefooter, so no one can walk a mile in my shoes.
Why did the mermaid wear SeaShells? Because she outgrew her B-Shells. Ha...
Why are there no really good steak jokes? Because they're a rare medium well done
Make a last request!!
(NSFW) What's the difference between a clever dwarf and a blue waffle? Well one's a cunning runt...
A soldier gets his entire left half of him blown off by a landmine He's alright now though.
It's especially on Fridays at 5 pm when I wish I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE'S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I saw a man hitting on a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one!
What are some great video game jokes?
New theory: It's Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender
What is Scooby Doo's favorite program language? Ruby Ruby Roo!
Pity the poor egg. He only gets laid once in his life, and even then it's by his mother.
Hula hoopers never seem to get anywhere... They're just going around in circles.
How much cum does a gay guy have? A butt load.
Wanna hear a joke? Donald trumps presidential candidacy.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put him in the microwave til his Bill Withers.
Packing to move is the probably the worst game of Tetris I've ever played.
Username poop_dude: you have been banned from the Constipation Forums. Reason: arrogance
What is your mom's favorite animal? An armadildo
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
why do Indians have red dots on there forehead? because the council leader with his pointed finger pushing against there foreheads says "No your not having another free council house"
"I'd kill you if I thought I could get away with it".......things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy's, she's available!
TYPING IN ALL CAPS (OPTIONAL)
A guy tried to fight me for $0.25 I gave him no quarter.
What did the Mexican say when a gust of wind blew his homework out the window? Come back essay!
A cannibal and his son saw a pretty girl in the forest The son said: "Dad, can we eat her?" The dad said: "No, son. We take her home and eat your mother"
I like my coffee like I like my women ..Without a penis
The defendant is accused of putting a stick of dynamite into a steer. Abombinabull.
Don't you just hate it when you BP red wine on a white tablecloth? [New verb. Make it so.]
Anyone know any good Batman and Robbin jokes? A girls I work with claims to know them all and I need to win this :D
I was making a graph of my past relationships. First I drew the Ex axis then the Why axis. Full disclosure: I saw this in yik yak thought is share it here. :)
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight! One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!" That was the punchline.
Now that Jeremy Lin is playing so well for the Knicks.. It appears that the NBA is now a Black/Thai affair.
Two Jews walk into a bar That's it. Do Jews drink very little?
UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves. The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.
A debator turned politician ordered everyone with beards to go home and come back the next day. He wanted them touche-v it.
What did the sarcastic taximan say when he lost his job? Oh well that's just uber, isn't it
I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon.... I want to see which one comes first.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong
Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
"...so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive." "Eat human corpses?" [flashback to eating quinoa] "Y...yes."
Q: How many politicians does it take to  change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and another one to change it back again.
what did one astronomer say to another astronomer about his obsessed girlfriend Man, she is already inside my event horizon.
What is Brazil's favorite game right now? Hide and go zika
Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet but most have just four.
Why do vampire's use linux? Because they don't like windows in their house. Ba^Dum^Tss
An undertaker says to a bereaved husband When did you realise your wife was dead?' Well,' he replies, the sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up...' from Internet.
Ask a friend this: "Hey, you ever blow Bubbles?" "Of course I did." "Well, I think he enjoyed it. He's back in town and asking for you."
Did you hear about the one asian guy who failed calculus? He was the odd Nguyen out.
Apparently this isn't a nude beach. This isn't a beach at all. I'm at Target. Don't do drugs kids.
I was in a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife asked me what happened to the hamster. I told her I put Red Bull in its water bottle "Oh, so you're going to tell me it grew wings and flew away?" "No," I said. "It died."
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture only needs one nail to hold up.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?  A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
My mistress bought me a Neck Clampotron XXX 5 years ago, and I've never looked back since!
why aren't there any good jokes about the dark side? i dunno but there's a darth of them
I love it! My girlfriend is so deep.... They'll never find her body.
Donald Trump told me what his favorite childhood game was. Bashing the Mexican Pinata.
Why does Josh Brown beat his wife? Just for kicks
*replies to all sexy dms with pics of my laundry pile
What's a vampire cows worst fear? Steaks.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You've made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Just won a Nobel Prize for untangling a pair of Apple earbuds.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression... It's called Trycoxagain
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
The 16yo tells me he's been revising all day. His browser history suggests he's got his YouTube exam in the morning.
How can you tell when Clinton is lying? Her lips are moving. Yeah, it's an old joke but then again, so is she.
What is the most common french saying? "nous abandonnons"
I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...
My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel
Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
What do pirates and strip clubs have in common? Neither can get enough booty
Stop saying: "That's what she said" and say "... said the priest to his lawyer" instead
I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, " the way I remember the party you're lucky you don't bark."
Mechanic: that's gonna cost $2000 Me: how much? Mechanic: $3000 Me: what did you say before that Mechanic: I said "that's gonna cost"
I just remembered the fuck out of the titans.
Rape jokes aren't funny. Ask a rape victim if they think rape jokes are funny. They'll say no. Not like that ever did them any good though.
I shouldn't be entrusted with responsibility. I took my pet rock to the lake for an afternoon of swimming... He drowned. RIP Dwayne
Did you know that Rosa Parks died because... She refused to get in the back of an ambulance
Went to a great Russian restaurant last night. For dessert, we ordered Chocolate Putin
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
What do you call a guy that overeats for the sole purpose of getting stomachaches? A glutton for punishment.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Two cannibals, father and son, catch a blonde The son "Dad, will we take her home and eat her?" Dad "No, we will take her home and eat your mom."
If a policeman is knocking on your door and you have a pile of dead babies on your bed, what's the hardest thing to hide? Your erection.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I'm ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Rihanna's new clothes. Chris Brown is in the news again. At a popular club downtown he apparently got drunk and started shouting "I'm gonna beat Rihanna till she's gold and white".
What's brown and sticky? Shit
My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock Bad Minton
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Throwing acid is wrong. In some people's eyes.
I don't like telling people I used to be a stalker. It sounds better saying "I spent a lot of time studying a broad."
How cold is it outside? It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Q: Why did the T-Rex eat  hamburgers? A: Because he is a meat eater!
So, did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
I don't trust this Obama guy... I think he lies a lot. First he says he's 52, and then the next year he's 53. Which one is it?
My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.
What's the worst thing about having to kiss  Grandma? When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
"The only way I'd go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert" - my 9 yr old daughter
Believe everything your tv tells you (sponges can talk, turtles eat pizza, love is real)
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
You know it's true love when your wife farts in bed & you go in the other room & text your boyfriend "I love you."
What do cats read Mewspapers
So i've heard that christmas is cancelled this year... ... Joseph confessed everything.
What did the ocean ask the scooba diver? Water you doing here?
What do you call a cold hotdog? A cold-dog
A little girl asked her Dad one day, "Dad, do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time?'" Her Dad replied, "No honey, some of them begin with If I'm elected.'"
Did you hear about the parrot who lives in a bilingual household? It speaks a pidgin language.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
The First Joke I wrote and Performed http://youtu.be/jENBlYJ6eOk
What's a bisexual person who can't find a partner? On standbi.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief: 3) You've never heard of tissues 2) You're doing a magic trick 1) You're hiding your face to rob a train
I didn't think it was funny when I first wrote this one... I gair aunty this is gonna be five steps removed from swishing nebraskan listerine on a gold claim. ...I was right.
Why did Jesus fall on the side of the road? Because he was crossed.
The Conjuring 3: Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids. The kids torment them back. They're better at it. The spirits flee.
Have you heard the joke about the broken pencil? Nevermind, its pointless.
My girlfriend named her pussy trouble. And now I'm always trying to get into trouble.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
if two tanker trucks collide at an intersection, one is carrying water, the other is carrying vinegar, what sound do they make? DOUCHE!!!!
The letter E is used frequently and infrequently.
What do you call a robot whose brain is unplugged? Mentally dis-cabled.
Someone just accused me of being schizophrenic. I'm beside myself!
What do you call a line of hundreds of rabbits, moving backwards slowly? A receding hareline
In bio practical: Examiner:Tell me the name of this bird by seeing it's legs only? Sardar:I don't know. Examiner:You failed, what's your name? Sardar:See my legs &amp; tell my name
What do you call it when two high people get in an argument? A pot roast.
Oh, you're a lesbian? You're not attracted to men, so you go date girls that look like men. That makes complete sense.
A man walks into a bar. Now he watches where he's going.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad. Son: What's wrongdad? Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I've started to roll my own batteries.
Did you hear about the 50yo who couldn't deliver a baby? She was having a midwife crisis.
What's the difference between three black guys and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
You think your life is bad? I've got that "Five dollar foot long" song stuck in my head.
I'll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.
"Have you tried turning her off and then on again?" -- Sexual Tech Support
I'm starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.
why do jewish men get circumcisions? because jewish women wont touch anything that isn't 10% off...
Why does hitler not like jewish lemonade ? Its to hasidic
If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.
You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film "Helicopter Shots of People Walking."
What do you call a person who enjoy mondays? Unemployed
How do you make an Italian plumber cry? You kill his family
TIFU by punching out my brother Oops, wrong sib
A patient wakes up and yells "I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor says, "Of course you can't! I amputated your arms."
My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
How do bulls drive their cars? They steer them!
I would make a joke about your mother But cows are sacred in my country.
I was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
What was the philosopher's favorite toy growing up? Playdough.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man
I bought these sneakers from a drug dealer... He must have laced them with something because I've been tripping all day!
How do you split Rome in half? You use a pair of caesars.
I firmly believe in taking care of one's body... That's why I protect mine in a thick layer of fat.
I thought about going vegetarian but I knew I could not handle a missed steak like that.
What's the best defense against Britney Spears? Brooke Shields.
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
911: 911, what seems to be the emergency? Me: My nephew just hit the wall while running 911: Haha Me: Haha 911: Ok paramedics are on the way
Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Why do tennis players have cold hands? They have bad mittens.
A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service. I walked in and hired myself. credit: Steven Wright
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction Them: This is a corndog
A bad cheese joke. How did I boast to the cheese I made myself? "Gruyere."
What do you call a woman with one nipple? Titty Wap.
Change is hard So don't throw coins.
Do you know the 6 states of matter? 1. Solid 2. Liquid 3. Gas 4. Plasma. 5. BoseEinstein condensate 6. Black Lives
I'm no scientist, but I don't think it's possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.
Elephants being eliminated from Ringling Brothers performances. Did you hear the elephants are being eliminated from Ringling Brothers performances. They were told to pack their trunks.
Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza? He heard it had de*liver*y flavor.
NSFW A guy steps into an elevator with a young woman... He says, "can I smell your feet?" "No!" She replies. "It must be your pussy."
One time there was an Irishman who got so drunk He kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel
Why was the fish processing factory built beside the computer factory? So that they could make fish and chips.
Smoke marijuana... Smoke marijuana, Take over the government, This is a high coup.
Why did the boy fall off his bike? Because someone threw a fridge at him.
ey girl would you like to unzip my pants http://imgur.com/QCGvrG7
When I was teenage boy At first I wanted to be a gardener. Then I wanted to be a pool cleaner, afterwards a plumber. Then I stopped watching porn movies and went to college.
I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job... after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
Why did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do an essay.
My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe out of that little thing?
Do you know what is heart warming? That even the most Orthodox Jew, and the cruelest of all the people of Al-Qaeda, will look for the same thing once they get down from a plane. A Synagogue.
After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off. "You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.
yo mumma is so fat that when she sat on the ipod she made the ipad
The reason there's no Windows 9 is because... 7 8 9.
The showerhead and shower curtain are complaining. Curtain says: I really hate having to just hang here all day. Showerhead: At least you dont get turned on everytime you see a naked person!
What did Tony Abbott (Prime minister of Australia) do with the half-eaten banana? He re-peeled it.
I'm going to grab 'em by the pussy. Don't downvote me!! I'm being "presidential"
People always get disgusted when I say I slept with my teacher... I think it's because I was home schooled.
Animal Mathematics If a Man is in bed with 2 Women, how many Animals are there in the bed? Answer = 14 How ? 3 Asses + 6 Calves + 2 Pussies + 2 Chicks + 1 Cock
What do you do with spoiled fish food? Load it in the chum dumpster.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: You look great GUY: Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: No
If I weren't such a genus I'd be more specific.
Everyone is telling others how to vote via Face Book. and all I can think is how I just watched Bob Ross paint this whole thing and explain every step but I still don't get how he did it.
How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house? Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.
What's pink and has seven dents in it? Snow white's hymen
Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke? Because he finally got it
What do women and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
What does SAG-AFTRA call a low-budget foreign production? Scrub-a-dub-dub.
Why wife accused em of being a transvestite... So I packed her things and left.
A tap, tap, tapping at my door Knock, knock. *Who's there?* Control freak. *Contro-* (interrupting) Now you say, "Control freak who?"
The French word for shoe insole is semelle, which they often do.
How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.
What do you feed someone in a coma from breakfast? Coma-toast.
Still up can't sleep thinking about how i can infuse kush into shampoo
What did one fish say to the other? Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW? Because they have high double standards.
What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall? Dam.
Why couldn't the pony speak clearly? He was a little hoarse.
Which famous hip hop group are very open about their ongoing battle with their bowel habits? Public Enema
s/o to bees for producing food that we can eat. no other bug is generous like that LOVE YOU BEES
I saw a Craigslist ad the other day. It said looking to trade: Banana for scale
Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back. Free gun.
What do you call a low income part of a town or city that is comprised mostly of pasta? The "Speghetto".
Q: What's a blonde's favorite color? A: A light shade of clear.
Friday the 13th today Do not visit summer camp.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard..... Pillow fight
What do you call a snarky criminal walking down stairs? A condescending con descending.
What do you call it when a blacksmith makes something white? Irony.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh!
Britain are predicted to do well in the Pole Vault event at the Olympics this year Due to the large number of Polish people they have to practice with.
I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses.
What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker? One of them starts a religion after it gets nailed.
You name your cat Bowl. What would the name on the cat's bowl be? It would be 'Bowl' and all of your friends would leave you because you are an idiot and named your cat Bowl.
Why can't you trust stairs? Because they are always up to something.
I invented a new word It's called plagiarism.
What do Far Cry 4 and The Big Lebowski have in common? I hate the fucking Eagles, man!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities by the hand of Chuck Norris that occurred during the making of the episode.
I heard Jewish girls like 8 inches... less 10%.
I went to get a physical the other day... And the doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating. Shocked, I asked him "why?" He said I had to stop because he was giving me a physical.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I'm drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
So I was talking to my 13 year old friend online.... And out of nowhere she told me she was an FBI agent. How cool is that?!
An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.
My friend said to me 'The Tory party is just cuts after cuts after cuts!'... ... I told him 'You're one letter off.'
Who does Christopher Reeve wish he could be? Christopher Walken
How does Kylo Ren celebrate Father's Day? Solo
I peed in my friend's beer before giving it to him... I told him, "urine for a surprise"
A monk refused to use anesthesia during a root canal... Apparently he wanted to transcend dental medication.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up They would be alloys
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Did you hear about the pornstar in court that was tried by a group of his peers? They had a hung jury.
Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman
If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps.... I would opt for the latter.
Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.
What do you call an agreeable ghost? BOO-YA!
Have a jewish friend who likes to make drinks. I have a Jewish friend who likes to make drinks. Hebrews them. Sorry if you expected a Jewish world war 2 joke, but I'm burnt out on those.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire] There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer. [wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm engulfed in flames]
Who is Chu? And why do no rappers fuck with him?
Netflix's new show is Marvel's Luke Cage, whose "Superpower is unbreakable skin. Bullet proof skin on a black man isn't a super power its straight up evolution! -Danish Anwar
INSERT SHTTY JOKE HERE [NSFW]
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool
judas: yo jesus: sup judas [hiding crocs behind back]: would u like if someone bought you crocs jesus: id rather be betrayed lmao judas: wow
They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty. Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.
Who Is every lumberjack's favourite director? TIMBURRRTON!
I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked. The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low.
What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani Elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
What do you call a camera that shoots out true facts about an ancient Phoenician city? A Canon, Canaan-canon cannon... (I'm not sorry...)
I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked. The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low'
What did one asbestos tile say to the other asbestos tile? Your my asbestos friend
I see dead people. Well actually they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes
What did the mod say to the other? [deleted]
What's brown and sticky? A Stick
How much coke did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Adam Sandler walks into a shoe shop "I'll take the sandals please"
People need to stop with all the gay jokes... ...I mean, come on guys.
I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he'd know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.
Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear
What did the blue priest say to the red peasant? Wolololo Wolololo!
Hey, courtroom artists. If you think the guy sounds guilty, draw an eye patch or scar. This isn't photography.
Being stuck in the" friend zone" is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
A woman on the subway this morning said "did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?" So really, we deserve this.
My housemates may get angry at me for stealing all their cooking utensils.. ..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship? Polyarmory
I had a brush with the law last night. Those cops sure know how to style a brother's hair
I don't know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Anyone know someone who owns an ark? I think I Noah guy...
What do you call a fish that stands out? Out of plaice.
Yesterday I tried to loosen a rusty lug nut... But it didn't turn out.
Why does Father Time wear bandages? Because day breaks and night falls.
read this now you reddit
One day, Adolf Hitler looked outside and saw heavy storm clouds. Worried, he contacted a meteorologist and asked him what the weather was going to be like. The meteorologist replied, "Hail, Hitler!"
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I cheated on my wife once. We were playing monopoly and when she wasn't looking I stole some of her money. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.
What's the difference between a joke and 3 cocks? Your mom can't take a joke.
I don't like dodecahedrons They are too edgy for me.
My dentist says to clean between your teeth after every meal. That's his flossophy.
What do you call hiring German engineers to work on your overseas project? Krautsourcing
My friend and I tried to start an erectile dysfunction club today But it flopped and nobody came.
How is Jesus different from other carpenters? Unlike other carpenters, Jesus may actually return one day
An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK... The immigration officer asks: "Occupation?" The Israeli says: "No. I'm just visiting."
How was copper-wire invented? Two jews and a penny.
Why is women's soccer so boring? Because all the good female athletes play in men's leagues. Thank you, thank you.
My Grandpa has the heart of a Lion... And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo
How do you get a one armed Canadian out of a tree? Wave to him!
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?  No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
I heard about this place that replaces your limbs with prosthetics... But it'll cost you an arm and a leg!
What foods are still good the second or third time you've eaten them? I'm looking for food for my human centipede...
Running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for dogs?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that "Intervention-y" feeling at first.
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want  one.
If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
With the ides of March around the corner Remember to stab your salad 23 times
It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.
ITALIAN FOOD WHAT IS AN ITALIAN LESBIANS FAVORITE FOOD? CUNNINGLINGUINI !
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen, I want to live on in my apartment.
Finally figured out that 'YOLO' is 'carpe diem' in douchebag.
Good news everyone. The cure for human stupidity has been invented in a convenient pill form. Unfortunately, Donald Trump refuses to take it.
Whats a weightlifters favorite kind of math? AlgeBRUH!
If Earth was a rented apartment, ain't NOOOO WAAAAAY we're getting our security deposit back.
I used to date a midgit. She really liked it when we would 34.5. In fact, I was nuts over her.
I tried being selfless. It's not for me.
I tried to be friends with my computer mouse But he's too cliquey.
Got fired from my job at the deli for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer. The pickle slicer kept her job cuz she is the boss's daughter
What's the difference between karate and judo? Karate is self defense and you make bagels with judo (Jew dough).
Hi reddit, I'm a Japanese pearl diver! AMA.
Did you know that its illegal for someone living next to a cemetery to be buried there? that would be called murder.
Two blondes are standing in opposite sides of the river. One yells: - HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SHORE?! The other answers: - YOU ARE IN THE OTHER SHORE!
LOL at people with only 99 problems What's that like?
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Phelps can finish a race
A very curious kid Kid: "Papa, are you growing taller all the time?" Father: "No, my child. Why do you ask?" Kid: "Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair."
My wife said she'd like another baby... ... I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!
In my next life, I'd like to come back as one of those girls who "forgets" to eat.
A guy goes to a Halloween party with nothing but a condom on his nose... Someone asks him "what have you come as." The guy shrugs his shoulders and says "fuck knows"
I went to the club, now my friends call me Cheers... ...Because I star Ted Danson (say it out loud now)
What did Adam say to Eve the first time he got an erection? "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!"
My crazy great Grandma My Great Grandma is 104, and she said to me: "If the good die young, I MUST BE TERRIBLE"
How are you doing in arithmetic ? I've learned to add up the zeros but the numbers are still giving me  trouble.
So I have a black girlfriend now ...after I severely burned my hand on the stove
If you're expecting a baby boy and your last name is Rowave, I've got a great recommendation for a name: Mike
What do you call a nation of angry women? A cuntry.
Do you guys remember Helen Keller jokes? What's your favorite one? I'll go. Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? She's a woman.
What do you call a woman without a dick in her mouth? Useless!!! (Just kidding)
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military  action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Everyone wears the left shoe last, Don't believe it? Proof: when we wear 1 shoe, the other one is left!
You know what's odd? Numbers that are not divisible by 2
I just got fired for sexual harassment. I'm self employed.
Why does my van have windows? I want to make my victims feel like they have a chance.
Who called it the NHL instead of the Just Ice League
I told my girlfriend I wanted a nose job. She said sure if it would make me happy. So I fucked her up the nostril.
Why is flatulence more satisfying after a long struggle to push it out? Because you know you made a real ef-**fart**
"Two's company, three's a crowd" - people who've never seen a crowd
Blocked a someone with "Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager" in their bio just to mess with their head. And it's douchy.
What did Buddha say to the Pizza guy? "Make me one with everything."
There's a lot of lame holocaust jokes on this thread... Anne frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of them.
How many French people need to defend Paris? It isn't known, never tried.
A bunch of Italians formed a Bob Marley tribute band. They're called the Reggae-Tony's
Why do hamburgers act brilliantly on stage? They give meaty performances - especially if they are in their  prime!
I'm going to slide down your chimney tonight. Wink. Wink.
911 Worker &gt; 911,What's your emergency? Man &gt; My wife is going to give birth! Worker &gt; Is this her first born? Man &gt; No,it's her husband *Ba Dum Tss*
God and Lazarus God said to Lazarus, "Come forth, and receive eternal life!" However, Lazarus came fifth and received a toaster.
What do you call a bear with martial arts skills? Grizz Lee. ^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.
Why was the broom late? because it overswept
Why does a rooster watch TV ? For hentertainment !
Dead scatologists never die They just go through the motions.
How do u kill a blonde paraplegic with one arm hanging from a tree? Wave
A magnet walked into a bar. It stuck.
Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy.
What's a linguist's favorite beverage? IPA
What do you put in a www.ashing machine? Net curtains!
What are caterpillars afraid of? DOGerpillars!
What do you call an aggresive white guy that over-acts in a movie? A salty cracker with cheese.
Every thousand years the long rain comes... And with it come the wet walkers...
My OCD requires me to slit the throats of people who sing Christmas songs to themselves out loud in quiet workplaces. The Cops understand.
"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?" "Because we conceived her in Paris." "Ahh, thanks Dad! " "You're welcome, Backseat."
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
After thinking about how bad the average person is at math I've realized that about 75% of people are worse.
Winner of the coin flip at Superbowl 50 announced earlier today. Hilary Clinton has decided to receive.
Aww I'm sorry you're mad the world doesn't revolve around you. Here...let me pour you a nice, tall glass of Get Over It.
I ate a small Wookie steak for dinner... ...it was a little Chewie.
Whew, good thing there's a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we'd be in real trouble.
[Bethsaida 28 AD] BAKER: Such a huge crowd...I'm gonna sell so many loaves "Five loaves please" BAKER: Huh? "Jesus is here" BAKER: Sonuva
What's do you call it when you let your penis make all of the decisions? ...a dicktatorship. My girlfriend thought of this stinker this morning.
How do you have sex with a vegetable? Ask if they want to-mate-O.
Give me your coconut water and organic gluten-free cookies, unless there's peanuts in them because I'm allergic." - 2015 school bully
David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote... David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"
A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it's hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh and then I punched her in the face.
My laptop said hello to me.... I think it's "a Dell"
Monocles Why should you never go out drinking if you wear a monocle? Because then you'd be a barnacle.
LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
Roses are red, their stems are green ... Jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams.
Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight? Cos they don't fancy each other.
Trainer: What's the most intense part of your work out? Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I don't remember When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a great memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
Rick Astley will give you almost any Pixar movie... But he's never gonna give you Up!
What do you call a black woman who's had 4 abortions? A crime fighter.
Slipped on a tube of toothpaste this morning. I was crestfallen.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards.
Just got a call from the head of Twitter (Paul Twitter). He says great opinions everyone, he's looking forward to more opinions tomorrow.
A little demon came home from school one day and said to his mother 'I hate my sister's  guts.' 'All right' said his mother 'I won't put them in your sandwiches again.'
Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.
Tarzan a un raton Que le dice Tarzan a un raton? - Tan pequeno y con bigote!. - Y que le dice el raton a Tarzan?. - Tan grandote y con panal!.
Donald Trump is writing a children's book about running for President He's going to title it, "Marco's Little Adventure"
Why do people say look when they want me to listen?
How do you blind a Chinese man? lay floss over their eyes
Love sucks..... but true love swallows
What do you call a transformer in a canoe? A row bot
What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common? They both lost their pop.
Where does Charlie Sheen shop? At Winners.
What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life? " Did you try turning me off and on again?"
Ted Cruz is going to be in a movie Dummy Does Dallas
After this winter I'm so excited for spring... I wet my plants
Decided to start a business that serves beer and gives massages Gonna call it Rub and Chug
What do selfies make me want to do? Shoot myself
Why are people reluctant to eat pudding that is past its expiration date? Because it is off pudding.
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher. Girlfriends mom told us this "joke". Dad jokes are out, mom's are in.
You say pigs can't fly... but swine flu!
Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia's hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
"I am cleaning up my friends list" should be changed to "I'm notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me."
What do you call a pig on a leash? Pulled Pork
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I don't pay a garbanzo bean $100 to go on my face.
Why did Adrian Peterson beat his son? Because it's easier than beating New England.
So a pimp is berating one of his girls nsfw "You've got no tits and your cunt's too small" "Fuck you. Get off my back."
Why did the monkey cross the road? To loot the pharmacy on the other side
What do you call an epileptic cow? Beef jerky.
I told my waiter, "There's a fly in my soup!" He said, "It's possible, the cook used to be a tailor."
What do you call a Penis inside a Potato? A dictator
Sexual Pleasure is like a gas station Sometimes you just fill up and leave Sometimes you do none of the work Sometimes you have to pay the person filling Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve
What do 7 out of 8 people enjoy? Gang rape.
What did the jewish pedophile say too the children? Would you like to "buy" some candy
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding. I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am independent
I was walking down the street one day.. and I saw a man taking a gate. I was going to say something but I thought he might take offence.
So a virgin priest and a virgin nun walk into a bar.
Whats the difference between a dirts bus stop and a crab with big boobs? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Did you hear about the Greek priest who left his religion to join Catholicism? They're calling his actions completely unorthodox
Life is like a game of Monopoly: if you're good at it, the rest of your family will hate you
Atheists are missing the boat. Without God you're responsible for your actions.
Osama bin laden *ji had it coming.* - Jimmy Carr "Big Fat Quiz 2011"
Whats's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
Ghost: Are you coming to my party? Spook: Where is it? Ghost: In the morgue - you know what they say the morgue the merrier.
Ever since i started wearing camo all the time... My girlfriend said she can't see me anymore.
Why was the rabbit hopping in circles? Because I shot its leg off.
How do you make a tissue dance? put a little boogie in it
Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses!! You certainly do sir. This is a fish and chip shop.
My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, "whew. Close call."
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Of course I'm not leaving. I'm just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)
Why did Eddie Vedder take the fiber supplements? He needed to have an Even Flow.
What do you get when a dyslexic tries to make a gif? Peanut Butter.
Want to read my favorite dirty Jewish word? splurge
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe WISE MAN #2: frankincense WISE MAN #3: myrrh ME: *pulls out Chili's gift card* I hate you guys
What's that coffee drink with icecream? I used to know it, but... Affogato.
Can anyone tell me.... If I posted the joke about Alzheimers? I can't remember if I did.
[spelling bee] Your word is 'arrogance' "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course I can, don't be stupid
The creator of the 'knock knock' joke was awarded a prize today Unfortunately he wasn't in to receive it
A man visits his local dentist. Dentist: Now please take a seat, this will hurt a little. Patient: Ok. Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.
Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.
How do you know when your roommate is gay? When his dick tastes like shit.
What sound does Korean bread make when it hits a wall? Bang! (!)
Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[M]y boyfriend asked me i[f] I could do him in the butt. I never pegged him for that type of guy.
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
Keep the tip Said the leper to the prostitute
PS4 - 29 Titan looking for fresh vog normal PSN allynlewis182
Just waiting to hear those three special words... "there's no evidence."
I'm always trying to make jokes at my work place... But in a graveyard, everyone is dead serious
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What kind of khakis do birds wear? Khakaws!
When I have kids I'm going to tearfully serve them scrambled eggs smothered in ketchup & tell them it's Humpty Dumpty.
Yo momma so fat I'm really starting to get worried about her health.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
What's the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a nymphomaniac with diarrhea? One shucks between fits
Amazon Prime Day.
A penis has a sad life: His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, &amp; his owner beats him.
Russian History in five words ...And then things got worse.
Turns out HR doesn't care if it's national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.
Whenever I have a one night stand I always use protection A fake name and fake phone number.
I'm going to start a comedy club in Africa... I'm going to call it "Lafrica"
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bend over? Doughnuts.
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Introduces themself.
I like my women just like my wine... 14 years old and locked up in the basement.
The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.
What has the Middle East and Kim Kardashian's ass got in common? Both are massive, have oil and have been invaded by the west.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alma ! Alma who ? Alma-nack !
What do math majors get when they graduate? A radian. Math majors don't use degrees.
My doctor told me that I have ADHD but when I got home and checked, I still only have basic cable. Lying bastard!
[First Date] Me: I can't believe we're on a date! It's not cause my fathers rich is it? Him: No. He's very handsome too Me: CHECK PLEASE
What can I get you to drink? "Pepsi" Is Peps- Uh one moment please [In kitchen, to manager] I don't know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?
Today I was woken up by a blowjob. I hope I'll never fall asleep in the train with my mouth open again.
What does a racist drink to wake himself up every morning? A KKK-Cup!
Did you hear about the pedophile musician? He was caught fingering A-minor.
Did you hear about the new deal on liposuction at that British clinic? each pound is now only $1.33
A really hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years time. I mean, come on guys, I don't have 20/20 vision.
I tried to give a motivation: Backfired So this friend of mine broke up with his long term girl friend.I told him " to hang in there"and he literally hanged himself. Was that a dick motivation?
As there aren't any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from ~ something to ponder every St Patrick's Day
However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight.
An egg and a chicken just finished having sex... The egg rolls over, lights a cigarette, and says "well, I guess that settles that."
Why do natives hate snow? Because it's white and it's on their land!
what does pinocchio have for breakfast? oakmeal
I studied abroad the first semester of my junior year Then she closed her blinds
I wonder what the parking situation is at the Special Olympics? ....
What's the difference between Jeb Bush and my toilet? My toilet is still running.
I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer's
Which company saw the end of disco coming from a mile away? Discover.
Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down? Greece.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need ME: This guy knows what it's all about JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu ME: OK scratch that
Today, I woke up an optimist. He punched me in the face.
Does this optic nerve make me look?
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
Where did the Irish guy get cancer? In his prostatoe.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Did you know "bathtub" backwards is still "bathtub"? It's not, but for a second there you believed me.
Samsung have done well with the Galaxy Note 7 Sales are blowing up!
If someone got my name tattooed on them I'd break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.
What do you call bug mating? INSEX
I hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me
You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I'll meet you at the liquor store.
"I'm a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he's known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars."
Dracula &amp; Frankenstein are in the heavyweight championship. Who wins? Dracula. Frankenstein went down for the count.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can't eat this! Him: Does it matter that much? Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My friend decided to become an astrophysicist instead of an engineer. I guess you could say he got sucked into black holes.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
My girlfriend treats me like a God. She only calls on me when she needs help with something.
tailor's daughter. Did you hear about the tailor's daughter ? She was so good with a needle and thread she never felt a prick til she was 12 years old.
[with my pet bird at the park] Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he's a mallard u idiot get away from me
What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory? Give it two test-tickles!
What's the difference between Boy Scouts and Jews Boy Scouts come back from their camps
While falling down an enclosed space that leads to the laundry room, two heterosexual cats hugged eachother in love embracing themselves before their death. It was CHUTE!
Why is Shield Commander Nck Fury upset With another eye missing he can't see a thing. He has officially become *Removes sunglasses Blind Fury
Hey Reddit, Guess What? Chicken Butt...
Steve Irwin died as he lived With animals in his heart.
A Day in the life of John Dillon. My name is John Dillon, I do all the killin', I make 5 Dollars Day. I see a Girl named kitty and she shows me her titties and she takes my 5 Dollars away.
A song called "Baby It's Not *THAT* Cold Outside" where I'm just trying to get the lady to leave
How many skaters does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it will take 13 attempts.
HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS
Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy's toys.
Why did the sasquatch go on a diet? He didn't want to be Obeast.
What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men? A pastryarchy.
Cats won't give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
What's a Mexican pimp's favorite investment? A putable bond
Research has shown that men think about sex every 15 sex.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she's watching over me Mom's Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you'd believe
I heard the Spanish were trying to make a drug out of kinetic energy... Be careful though, because you could get an Mv^2 overdose.
When the president is lonely what does he say? I'm Obama-self.
I met a one-legged waitress at IHOP... Her name was Ilene.
How many dyslexics does it screw to take in a lightbulb?
A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks... "Is the bar tender here?"
When life gets you down I realize that you might feel overwhelmed. Bur remember, when life gives you lemmings.... toss them off a cliff
What do you get if you chop off Trump's hand? A Trump stump!
Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? No, sir. It's the same dog.
I'm going to write "I miss you" on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..
What is the densest metal on Earth? Donald Trump.
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Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle. After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.
[Couples Therapy] HER: He keeps pretending he's a doctor. This relationship is dead HIM: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:26 ME: OMG SEE!
I have now been sober for eighteen months. Not in a row...
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Chinese numbers I asked a sexy Chinese girl for her number. -She replied, "Sex Sex Sex,Free Sex tonight." I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
A handicapped guy walks into a bar................just kidding.
Two jews walk into A bar... Ahbar then gets insulted that the jews even looked at him and demands that his country declares war on Israel for these unspeakable crimes.
Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault.
What do you call a sentinel with three hands? A watchman.
What do you call an Asian pothead? Tao Lee
Wild horses could easily drag me away. In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My career as a baseball catcher was cut short because I insisted on kissing the ball every time before I threw it back to the pitcher.
I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding
My wife has just got a job at the local sewage works. I reckon she will be the best shit stirrer they have ever had.
What's a frogs favorite drug? Croakcain.
What do you call an arrogant con walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
A kid asks his Dad "what does 'gay' mean?" The father says "It means 'to be happy." The son asks "Are you [gay!](http://www.afterfeed.com/)?" The father says "No, son. I have a wife."
I like my coffee like I like my men Tall, dark, strong, and inside of me.
You can tell I'm having a tough time writing this teleplay by all the crumpled up laptops overflowing my trash can.
Why don't mountains get cold? They wear snow caps. *cringe* ^Courtesy ^of ^Westjet's ^horrible ^phone ^line.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a poop collector.
I'm having a hard time believing Jesus was a carpenter. He was a miracle worker. You'd think he'd just wave his magic wand and POOF! Bench.
I was gonna make a gay joke.. ...butt fuck it.
I like my women how I like my advent calendar. Against my wall, flaps open, ready to be eaten.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don't stand for national anthem*
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look grandpa! No hands!
Wynona Ryder was great in Stranger Things. She stole the show
Just did my first stand up comedy routine ever. AMA.
nothing sucks more than someone ignoring your texts i mean maybe like getting stabbed to death but that's not much worse
What will reddit never know? Victoria's Secret...
I walked into a shop and saw a radio for sale because the volume was stuck on high... ...I thought, I can't turn this down!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?
What don't you say to console a grammar nazi? "There their they're, it'll be okay!"
Jealously is something you're good at when you suck at everything else.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I'm very sorry for your loss.
My wife told me to stop my obsession of singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe....
How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking? Don't worry, they've already told you the superior qualities it has over all the other smart phones by this time.
I still miss my ex-wife BUT MY AIM IS GETTING BETTER
Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"? Because everything is a steal.
Bill Gates Asked Arnold Schwarzenegger if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10, he replied: I still love vista, baby.
RULE OF THUMB: If a movie trailer makes me mutter, "No one wants to see that," then about 50-100 million people will want to see that.
Wife has a fever. Daughter has a fever. Neither are of the "disco" variety.
"Are you a member of any organized political party?" "No. I'm a Republican."
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't read? He spent the night in a warehouse.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it... then my illegal logging business is a success.
I've got a joke- Women's rights...
I was at a gay nineties party last night. All the men were gay and all the women were ninety.
How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen? You get the feeling that you've Reddit before.
The State of Illinois has just unveiled its new welcome sign... Welcome to Illinois; not ALL of our elected officials have been indicted!
"We don't serve faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
Paul Walker was a great guy Throwing a barbecue street side for free
Back to the future too many times Scientists have recently discovered a direct link between time travel and Parkinson's disease.
What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common? Their middle name.
What is The Fonz's blood type? A
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot you racists.
I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening... One of the perks of being self-employed.
What do you call bears with no ears? b
Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.
Whats strong enough for a man but made for a woman? the back of my hand
Yeah, bitches! I just sharpened a pencil with a KNIFE. I feel like such a man. I'm gonna go show my mom. BRB
What do you call a hoarse Putin? Rasputin
What do you use to determine if a refrigerated  burger is cold enough? A thermomeater!
How do supernatural entities cum? They have poltergasms
I like my women like I like my tea Red Bush.
Me: You've dimmed the lights already, aren't we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
What's the difference between someone who can mend your pants quick and a famous singer? One of them is a swift tailor.
A group of midgets were planning to rob a butcher's... But the steaks were just too high.
What do you call a flat chested girl? Manchester Mehboob (translation from hindi : lover)
I never did think of myself as beautiful, terribly attractive, yes, but not beautiful.
How many feminists does it take to screw a vegan? Lightbulb.
What is Mozart doing right now? De-composing
In bed last night my wife said "Do you want to try something?" So we put OJ on the stand.
I got 99 problems and being attractive could solve at least 30 of them.
Cigarettes are like hamsters Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire
What do a pizza and this joke have in common? They're both cheesy.
I'm opening up a restaurant called: I Don't Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?
TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom. But not twice.
Beggin'Strips: Stop pretending dogs don't know it's not bacon. They smell cocaine in a cooch across an airport; I'm sure they know NOT bacon
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween? Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.
What is ISIS's favorite candy bar? Allahu Snackbar, it's flavor is explosive.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
I know a certain right hand that is going to be getting VERY lucky tonight...
I just got LASIK done and I highly recommend it to everyone thinking about it. 20/20, would do again.
What do you call a fat Japanese bloke... Jackie Chin
Did you hear about the christian rapper who went missing? He never did turn up.
What's an arborists favorite side dish? Can o' peas.
Did you know there's a movie called "Constipated"? It hasn't come out yet.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.
How do you confuse a Jew? Put the bacon on sale for half-off.
What's the difference between you and an egg? The egg actually gets laid!
What kind of cheese do rich people eat? Guccheese.
How do you tell if your girlfriend's ticklish? You give her a test tickle.
Even maintaining a Sims character is too much pressure for me.
What did the hot dog say on the toilet? Mustuuurd
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as "Low Blood Sugar Girl" while rushing my limp body to a table.
I can always count on the local cemetery for free Mother's Day flowers.
What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? PENNAY!
snowflakes are like vaginas... each one unique... and I like them on my tongue..
I'd like to see a world without plagiarism You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
When skinny girls say "I'm so fat" to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
At Subway I ordered a 12 inch sandwich, but instead they gave me a 6 inch sandwich Oops, wrong sub.
DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic. When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."
A newbie at work asked me if I knew where the coloured printer was. I said "It's 2016, Jamal, you can use any printer you want"
Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake? A: a hot air balloon #JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts
What did the mother ghost tell the kid ghost when he went out to play? "Don't get your sheets dirty!"
how do you get a 78 year old lady to scream f**k?! get another 78 year old lady to yell BINGO! waka waka!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald's begging for money, told him I'd buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
How does an Irishman's future look like? Very blight.
Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock... ...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up
Always hit women with a left hook... ...because they don't deserve any rights
What's the worse quality of a hermit crab? They're too shell-fish!
Why is apple afraid of microsoft? because 7 8 10
Two jews walk into a bar Jk lol I'm a Fukien nazi
I wonder if Taylor Swift ever gets one of her songs stuck in her head and also wants to kill herself
The Untamed Tiger by Claudia Armoff
I hate watching termites. They're boring.
Son: "Hey, Dad! Can I have $20 for a blow job?" Dad: "I don't know, son. Are you any good?"
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a seance* I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER! [4 days later] YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Two fish in a tank Fish 1: uh, Greg? Fish 2: what Fish 1: how do we drive this thing
there are no stupid questions. but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
I had a passionate affair with a girl from the circus It was in tents.
Using my good looks and charm i will gain the trust of an orangutan to have it become my personal kush consultant & legal guardian.
There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
I probably should kill myself Because I want to leave the same way I came. By my own hand.
How to be a white girl: 1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks 2.) take a picture drinking it 3.) Instagram it 4.) hash tag 'summerrrrrrrrr'
My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
I heard some guy tell two horrible Malaysian Airline jokes The first one got no response, and the second one was shot down in flames.
Aasians hate the NFL Cause theres no more rice
What do you call a mollusk on a boat? A snailor
I want to visit north Korea one day... before everything goes south.
I used to be a comedian back in Newfoundland But I got sick of having to explain the jokes.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My favorite musician pun ||: lather, rinse :||
Did you hear about the prank these guys pulled on Hitler? When Hitler found out, he was fuhrer-ious.
What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary? Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator).
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Yo mamma's ghost is so fat... ...even the priest couldn't exorcise her! https://twitter.com/YoMommasGhost BONUS: Yo mamma's ghost is so dumb, she thought a deadlift was a haunted elevator.
Whats 10 inches? What's 10 inches, has a big red head and makes my girlfriend cry when i put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today! Technically he said, 'Less McDonalds' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.
What does an Internet frog say? Reddit Reddit
UPS guy just acted like he'd never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two...but I don't know how you're going to get them in there...
I've been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA. I'm not making a lot of progress.
Lost my watch at a party once Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch
Do you know what number does the German Scrum-Half have on their back? Nein
I wasn't going to buy Thrift Shop on iTunes... But it was .99 cents!
The Fly and R Kelly A Fly buzzes up to R Kelly and asks "Mr Kelly could you please sing me a song?" R Kelly pauses in thought then replies "I believe I can, fly".
How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count? The girl has to chew before she swallows.
ESPN is cutting a few hundred jobs... So tomorrow's AM radio show will be "Mike and Some Random People from Twitter in the Morning"
What did you think of our website? A little bit tacky.
[fans out the deck] Pick a card, any card.. Memorize it.. [hits you in the face with a shovel] KING OF SPADES! [walks off]
When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
Why can't you explain puns to kelptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally.
Twister 2: Climate change makes tornadoes evolve. They work together. We can't beat them. We team up instead The twisters destroy ISIS.
Want to hear something funny? I saw a sheep get stung by some insects... Not funny? I guess ewe had two bees there.
What is 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy when they see it? An empty toilet paper roll.
What kind of money do monsters use? Weirdo (weird dough).
What do you call a really annoying Jewish women? ....Ausbitch.
Why French Fighter jet are name phantom? Because they don't exist.
Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
So this bloke said to me... He said " I once got my dog to bring back a stick thrown 100 miles away". I said "that's a bit far-fetched"
I upset a Jehovah's Witness at work today... ...they started telling me a knock-knock joke, but I wouldn't answer.
TIL there's a subreddit dedicated to all the times an OP doesn't deliver Link in the comments
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to "work her core." I'm eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast. I win.
I Gave My Father $100... I gave my father $100 and said, "Buy yourself something that will make your life easier." So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."
People Against Queuing, now thats a cause I can get behind!
New Years Resolution My New Years Resolution is to try 100 brand new things. How many chemicals are crack? Lets get this done in one sitting.
3 Trojans once tried that horse trick on a Greek city... Poor guys drowned in semen without ever being discovered.
What do you get if you are telling puns while jogging? A running joke.
I take my women just how I take my hair conditioner with silicone
Don't be russian Or you'll be stalin
Why isn't the Mexican olympic team any good? Anyone who can run jump or swim is already across the border.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard! ME: i'm pretty bored CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train ME: oh, i'm sure they're bored too
56% of Brazil is Covered In Rainforest The rest is covered by Manuel Neuer
A boy goes on holiday to Mexico and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother, 36 and hot" His mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister, 16 and wet"
Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white... ...so now it looks like France landed there.
What do you get when you mix liquor and literature.... Tequila Mockingbird
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby? Yeah, good times
If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.
Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
What do you call a group of Mexicans doing work? Manuel labour.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
When I'm down, I read shelving assembly instructions. Shelf help books make me feel better.
Q: What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything. A: Three Men And A Baby
CW:where are you going? Me:trying to prevent an awkward conversation between two people CW:who? Me:me and you
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
What's a 68? She blows me and I owe her one.
A Man Got Into a Fight at a Strip Club He lost, but in the end he fought hard.
Facebook: My little man is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.
What did one beef patty say to the other beef patty? Will you be my grill friend?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say 'It's so cold out!' and I say 'It's winter' and then we silently hate each other.
What do you call a bee that was born in the USA? USB
I watched a documentary on strokes It was a bit one sided
My friend just joined ISIS I was always bothered by his Sunni disposition
the guy who named eggplants, pineapples, and Guinea pigs is all the same guy
Saw a sign that said "Join a 5k run! Fight childhood obesity!" Shouldn't the kids just run it themselves?
This is the best day of my life! "Why?" I just got 1000 comment karma! "I don't get it, what's the joke?" My life, my life is the joke.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Today I forgot to comb my hair, but people thought I was nice. Then, nothing of consequence happened. So today was every Michael Cera movie.
What did the Chinese guy think about assisted suicide? He was worried about the euthanasia...
Knock knock! **Who's there?** *Tank* **Tank who?** *You're welcome*
How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?
Twitter...because if it can't be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?
Autocorrect changed "you're so wise" to "you're so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
What does my dad do when he's drunk and bored? Beats me
My professor asked me to define narcissism I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
"What's the difference between a pickpocket and peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches." - Redd Foxx, 1956
What's 1+1? 2
Today is the anniversary of the discovery of Uranus! Hershel was actually looking for the clitoris but found Uranus instead.
(Utterly awful joke ahead) What do you call a scar left by the Swedish Chef? A borkmark.
"Marriage is like a ring of fire", my dad used to tell me. " The men on the outside want to be in it, and the ones on the inside want to get out of it "
My wife has a memory like an elephant I just wish she didn't look like one
What did the little Chinese boy get for Christmas? Rice.
I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.
I saw Jesus on the bus today. He was the Juan in front of me.
"Well children" said the cannibal cooking teacher. "What did you make of the new English teacher?"  "Burgers ma'am."
What's the worst way to tell a guy his small penis is okay? Oh honey, I'm not worried about a little thing like that!
What the only tag a Tumblr user can't have? A small Oops looks like I pissed off the fatties
So proud of myself...6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Did you hear the one about the man who ate his baby's feet? He also found out his wife was pregnant.
What gets higher with age? Willie Nelson
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I'll go to sleep.
Gay Marriage Licenses So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
What do little green men do to stay in shape? They do Yoda.
Opinions are like butts *gently rubs your opinion*
the only reason Santa is always joyful is because he know where all the naughty girls live
What does a guy with a big dick eat for breakfast? Well, this morning I had scrambled eggs, hash browns, a side of bacon, a glass of milk...
Two Italians are arguing They just keep saying "You wanna pizza me?!"
Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!
Did you hear about the Marine Rabbi that travelled the world giving circumcisions? They made a movie about him: American Snipper
*Gets disqualified for biting opponent's ear on a chess tournament*
I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
Who is Monica Lewinsky's Favorite NFL Football Player? Clinton-Dix
A new report has concluded that dog owners are more outgoing than cat owners. Hardly surprising. You have to take a dog for walks.
What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian? One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there's a leak and we're in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Fish didn't start smelling till women started swimming Title
Dream girl: -tall -skinny -can pull off wearing a hat -honest -a fan of the theater -abolished slavery -is Abraham Lincoln
watching movies with my kids is like getting stuck in a trap on mt everest Tangled and then Frozen
What do you with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.
Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea? I mean cry me a river river right?
What do you call it when your wife brings you rice porridge in prison? Congee-gal visit
Sorry I wasn't ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
They say it ain't over until the fat lady sings. No wonder Feminist can't start things
Philosophers have really good depth perception!
Why is it expensive to be a criminal? Because the police charge you.
I met a plastic surgeon at a bar last night... He specialized in male-to-female sexual reassignment surgeries. He was a pretty nice guy, but a total *womanizer*.
What'd the Mexican say when he was upset? I don't want to taco bout it.
Joke regarding Canada What's a Canadian's favourite weapon? An Eh k-47
I'm the guy who invented the sandal for people with only one leg. It was a flop. Credit to 'flaggon' from sikipedia
I think I might have a shower. *checks* Yes, I have a shower.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
What's the difference between a Private and a Private First Class? Where they sit on an airplane.
Your momma's so stupid... ...she asked what army Colonel Sanders was in.
Zombie Apocalypse has begun... Man, it's hectic out there. I've killed like 6 zombies already. How's everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they all have bags of candy?
Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend Mourning wood
Did you know... Did you know that Jews were the biggest magicians during World War 2. They entered trough the door and exited trough the chimney.
Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac? They take things literally.
Why did robin williams cross the road? I Fucked his uncle too hard!!!!!!!!
Cac mau ong ho nu ep mang en su sang trong quy phai cho chi em ong ho nu 2015
A guy was stealing Morton and Everstart. He punched the owner when confronted... He was charged with assault and battery.
What is the difference between an apple and an orange? None, the two are not a snake
I had unprotected phone sex once... Now I have hearing aids.
What do orphans get at Christmas? Lonely.
Who can suck off every man on earth? A black hoe.
If you've ever accidentally stepped on a cat's tail, you've seen my wife's sex face.
If a man grows weed in a dead man's stomach, dose that make it canniballus?
Quit crying, kid. I won this Easter egg hunt fair and square...
Studies show that Kangaroos can jump higher than a house. Then again, houses can't jump at all.
It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a  knight? Sir Loin!
The doctor said I had a bad case of kyphosis. "Are you sure?" I said. He replied, "Honestly, it's just a hunch." Edit: [Jokes are funnier when explained](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyphosis).
I'm pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself. Thanks YouTube
Theres a couple guys at a drinking party.. And they all start an in depth discussion on inkblot drawings
PREGNANT LADY DOUCHING JOKE (OC) Why did the pregnant lady douche with Chanel No 5? She wanted to chanel her inner child
What did the boots say to the cowboy? You ride -- I'll go on foot.
What is worse to injest than E Coli? Broc Coli
Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
A major financial scam kingpin walks into a bar... Then he greases the palms of all lawyers &amp; ensures he gets away without a big penalty.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
What's the difference between Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan? Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered." Khan: "I conquered, I saw, I came."
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like.. Bananas
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, But i dont know how they would get inside of it!
A guy named Shane can never date an Asian girl... ... Because then she would bring Shane to her family.
One day you'll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you're thinking right now
I tried a new fragrance today. It's called Tester.
I'll never understand cannibalism... But to eat your own.
You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
So my dyslexia makes it hard for me to take public transportation and... ...oops. Sorry. Wrong bus.
Sometimes when I get a retweet... I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
The sushi at my local deli is to die of.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
What's it called when you borrow cheese from a friend? taking out a provoloan
Thanks to Day Light Savings.... ....I've masturbated for an hour and 30 seconds.
I hope I don't catch another weirdo pooping against the side of a 7-11 tomorrow because I'm not ready to love again.
Hitler on mining "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" [Hitler rubs chin] "So mine less" [Grammar Nazi bursts through the door] "MINE FEWER!" [Hitler looks up] "Yes?"
What is Hillary Clinton's favorite type of shoes? Scandals
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder? Endless love
What do you get when you cross a bell with a  bee? A humdinger.
There's no "k" in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren't in team?
You don't realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.
I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler's diarrhea.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers? A: There is writing on the White-out.
How you make MackleSmores 1 Chocolate bar 1 large marshmallow, cooked to your liking 2 one large Graham cracker broken in half Little bit of humble Little bit of cautious
Seriously though, why can't you put the punchline in the title? What do you say to piss off a redditor?
I tried cocaine once It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? They say he had loco-motives.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why are ghosts bad liars? You can see right through them.
SCIENCE: If you have another person posing with you in your twitter avatar, 100% of the time you're the uglier one.
I don't usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I'm at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Life is like toilet paper You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole
I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A man in tights was found near a rock. What happened? Superman committed suicide.
Why does a chicken coupe have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
" I gotta see this guys best tweet, I'll gift him Favstar Pro". Said no one ever.
I fed the cows marijuana. The steaks have never been higher.
What do Badgers and Gynecologists have in common? they both like to root around in your cellar
Sardine Wife: "What's wrong?" Sardine Husband: "I just need some space, Linda." Sardine Wife: "WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH"
Where did the little Asian girl go when the little boy dropped by? Everywhere.
Dark humor is like clean water... Not everyone gets some.
What is a British Scholar's favorite store? Finks
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year... Now, it's Election night.
There's no such thing as coincidence? I'm confused. If there is no such thing why did they name it? Coincidence? I think not Xx
What is the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass. Yup, from HIMYM, but I believe in the episode Barney asked, "What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?"
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.
All mushrooms are edible... Some you can only eat once.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
There is a U.N group set up to help those who're bisexual... B-I-N.G.O!
How do you calm down an astronaut? ...you give him space.
What's Charles Dickens's middle name? Deep
Chicken must be brilliant at mathematics.. Because after explaining every proof, my teachers say "Hens proved!!"
Why does the murder no longer use axe? Because he realized it can't wash away his sins
Q: How do astronomers organize a party? A: They planet Insert death threats below
i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
What did Jay Sherman say about your breath? It stinks!
A male law is going on a date A male law thought he was going to dinner with a female decree, but it turned out it was a mandate!
They say if you like it then you should put a ring on it... ...man, I must really love shower curtains.
How do you start a conversation about men's rights? Mention feminism.
"I wish there were something like coffee, but faster-acting," he thought, before remembering that it already exists and ruins your life.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
[using Ouija Board] "Will i ever find true love--" "NEW GHOST WHO DIS"
I've got a joke about metal. Actually, no... Scrap that.
What's the worst part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in
Sherlock Holmes leaves the bathroom without flushing... After he exits he tells Watson "I think I am constipated." Watson replies. "No shit Sherlock?
political joke Republicans are Red Democrats are Blue and neither one gives a fuck about you
Our top story tonight... Generalisimo Francisco Franco is still dead...
[bar] CUSTOMER: Barman BARMAN: Sir? C: This beer tastes like piss [further down the bar] BEAR GRYLLS: I'll have what he's having
5 Arabs are sitting around looking at pictures of thier kids One says to the others they blow up so fast!!
HER: Are you a dog or cat person? BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great* ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine. BRAIN: *nailed it*
No mister movie ticket guy that's not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that's my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[sees some cut grass] "Nice" [sees some ripped leaves] "oh yea" [sees a twig with a 6 pack] "holy shit"
I don't always talk to West Point graduates... ...but when I do, I ask for a side of fries.
What do the Superbowl and the OJ Simpson Saga have in common? They both feature a slow, old, white bronco.
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb  Woman = Pregnancy
Why did the PHP programmer go to the optician? because he didn't C#
What do O'douls and going down on your sister have in common? (NSFW) It tastes the same but it's just not quite right.
I've been volunteering a lot with the hearing impaired lately: I couldn't care less about them as a group, but it's the only way to find a girlfriend who is completely mute.
OH MY GOD I ALMOST SAT DOWN ON THE TOILET WITHOUT MY BLACKBERRY!
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? The Nobel Prize in Genetics.
How many Mexicans Does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan
What do you call an aborted baby Spawn Kill
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
What's 12 inches long and makes women scream at night? Cot death.
Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra? To keep them from rolling out of bed
I don't feel bad for the people killed in "Jaws". When I know where a murderer lives, I don't go swimming in his bathtub.
What do you call Batman after getting beat of by the Joker? Bruiced Wayne.
I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,"Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design"
[hears a baby crying on the train] Can somebody put that thing on silence please? "It's a baby.." ... "..." Vibrate?
I've got a conspiracy joke that no one would believe, even though the punchline is in plain sight.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? Get a new wife
When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I'm saying
How do you fit 3 babies in a bowl? Blender. How do you get them out? Chips.
The Quark joke Mad they are, the up is not the top. The down is no the bottom, they can be charming but also strange because they only stick to the same sex.
Everyone in my class is autistic What else would ya expect in the Hahvahd School of Aht and Desahn?
What's the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds? There was 20 of them
Are we sure that we're supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I'm discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
So a Korean man, a Syrian man, and a Mexican man are all in a truck. Who's driving? Immigration.
What do you call a marine animal who under-performs at the vegetable academy? A C-cucumber.
What's the difference between a 3 figure and a 4-figure suit? 1 figure, literally and figuratively.
I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they'd know our interaction was over.
Where do pregnant chickens keep their ultrascan images? In a photo albumen.  \_()_/ 
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I hear people complaining about their jobs a lot, well I'm a nurse and I touched six dicks yesterday And it was my day off
I know we get a lot of dad jokes...here's a mom one What did Captain Picard say when he saw the new sewing machine? Make it sew!
2 Owls 2 owls are sitting in a tree. First turns to the second and says, "Did you hear Bill's getting a divorce?" The second Owl replies, "Who?"
And this pickup line is broght to you by Budweiser.... And this pickup line is broght to you by Budweiser: ---Budweiser: and who do we have here, standing so pretty and so quiet?
One of my friends went up to my Portuguese dad.... and asked "You're Portuguese, right?" He said "No, I'm Portugoose. There's is only one of me"
I like my coffee the way I make the women in my life... Dark and bitter.
What is the difference between the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the Twin Towers? Better reflexes.
(fairly gosh darn NSFW) Yeah, so, I'm a necrophiliac, right... .....I *had* a girlfriend, but the rotten cunt split on me.
This year's Brits will always be remembered for its fabulous tribute to 'Allo 'Allo!... Featuring the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.
My favorite thing at the Chinese buffet is the chicken balls But man, those must have been awfully big chickens!
Racist: What's black and white and unemployed? Just kidding about the white part.
What's the difference between a spot and a girl on her period? When you squeeze a spot, you get bloody pus. When you squeeze a girl on her period...
How does Optimus Prime stay young looking? Autobotulism
What does artificial light consist of? Fauxtons
Groin cream... Not suitable for those with a nut allergy.
Why won't bankers go to the opera? Because they quickly lose interest
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
I'm not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand? I can't gargle sand.
What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert? "Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.
Why can't astronauts eat popsicles? In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.
Do you like Knock Knock jokes? Because I believe that the inventor of the knock knock joke deserves a 'No-bell' prize.
I think Jurassic Park should have been entitled "Fuck Religion" Hahah.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Hey where's Brian? "Oh he's taking a p_ _p" A what? "Um dropping a d_ _c_" Huh? "Taking a sh_t....Uhh Cr_p!" Oh! He's evacuating his vowels?
How do mathematicians cure constipation? They work it out with a pencil.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
What does Santa do to dragons? He "sleighs" them.
Worst thing about having a one-syllable name: Every "Happy Birthday" singer stretches it out awkwardly to fit the song. "Paaaa-aul"
What do you call something brown and sticky? A stick. I'll see myself out.
Why should we hire the chickpeas to be part of our choir? They could hummus a song! (I was really proud of this one.)
What do you call a sick bird of prey that enters the country without permission? An ill-eagle
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
Where do children learn their ABC's ? At LMN-tary school !
Why is the KKK a good place to find a job? Cos they'll always hook a brutha up
why would you go outside? that's where bugs live
Yo mama so fat she should be concerned because diabetes is a serious problem.
Two ducks walk into a bar. The third duck ducks.
My attitude changes in 5 seconds flat. From sweetheart to bitch. So I suggest you don't test that.
Did you hear about the lonely cow that joined a dating website? She was searching for her udder half.
Did you hear the one about the donkey and the sloth? Ultamate frisbee badger!
What's the Difference between a Girl and a Woman? Prison
There are two hats on a coat rack One says to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead"
"In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!" Yes, "university" commercial--that math checks out.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but fuck you.
Ever heard of a sex position called a 71? Its a 69, and each partner puts a finger up their partners butt!
This could be the LSD talking, but I'm pretty sure I'd be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.
My fish can breakdance. But only for five seconds, and only once.
What do you get when an alternative metal band runs out of toilet paper? Rage Upon the Latrine
Pigs Standing next to pig processing plant when I heard all the machines firing up and smoke started bellowing from the stacks. Only thought is, man that place is going full boar
Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.
Why arent koalas actual bears? They dont meet the koalafications.
You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree... at the dollar store!
Don't try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They're people, not oranges.
Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.
How do you kill a thousand flies... Slap a Kenyan in the face. Just heard it from a coworker...thought I share.
What's r/jokes' favorite joke site?
My grandfather's last words.. My Grandfather said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
*goes to fabric store* Do you guys have boyfriend material?
What did the shepherd's wife say to the shepherd? You herd.
The taco shop gave me napkins, don't they know I'm a professional burrito eater? That's like giving condoms to a porn star.
A Pentium processor engineer is counting visitors to a bar He's counted 12.000000000057249999 patrons so far.
A blind man walks into a bar says "Oww."
Enter promo code INTERMINABLE SINCERITY for some free sarcasm.
"One mans trash is another mans treasure" Is a good quote... But apparently its not the best way to tell your kid he's adopted.
What would you call the Flintstones if they were black? Niggers.
Honey I'm home from Costco. "You didn't buy anything stupid this time?" [looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack] Define stupid?
What's the difference between white people and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will finally develop its own cultures
A redhead tells her blonde step-sister that she slept with a Brazilian... ...and she replies with "Omg! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Randomly play a recording of a candy bar wrapper being opened just to keep your kids on their toes.
What animal lives on the farm and says "moo"? A bilingual chicken
I work in retail, a married man made me laugh Me: Hi sir, can I help you? Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!
That kid didn't really find a lost Mayan city. The sites that promoted the story? I guess they'll issue a... Maya culpa.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
So a baby seal walks into a club...
What did the man say who couldn't add the same number to itself? I can't even...
I'm not what you call "country" I play support in MOBA games because farming is a foreign concept to me
Jesus didn't know how to close a door. He was born in a barn.
I had an uncle who was a drunk... tried getting him into other hobbies like sculpting but he was always getting plastered.
Superstitions are stupid! Send this joke to ten of your friends or you will lose 100$ within the next two weeks!
Jack Daniels couldn't be here today, But he's here in spirit.
I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan. "Why hasn't it got a head?" "I don't want to scrape it off the wheel."
Why are black people so fast? Cause the slow ones are in jail
I'm making a band! I started a band called 999 Megabytes...we havent gotten a gig yet.
Most popular Who is the most popular guy in a nudist colony? The guy that can carry two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl? The girl that eats the last donut.
Cough cough sniffle
delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES.
"Every child's a gift." "Your 'gift' is eating his own boogers right now." "..." "I hope you saved the receipt."
[Mugshot photographer] Me: now lets do a silly one
I swallowed two cans of helium today HeHe
My dad walked in while I zoomed in on Street fighter Dad: "Damn son, that girl has some big 'ol titties!" Me: "Dad.......thats E. Honda"
Where was the male lion's favorite vacation spot? Maine
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
There's a bird in the yard and she's shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
"That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. I WILL BITE YOU!" --Cats
You know why Trump is still the GOP candidate? The GOP is pro-life.
What happened when the mathematician put seaweed on her boobs? Algae-bra!
Why are black people so tall? Because they're negros. (Hah get it? Knee grows?)
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they're like, "Why are you showing me photos? I'm a dog."
How's everyone holding up ? It's crazy out there. I've killed at least 15 zombies already !! Why are they all carrying candy ?
"Billie Jean" is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
A mushroom walks into a bar... Bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here!" So the mushroom says, "Hey come on, I'm a fungi!"
Why do women parachutists wear cups? So they won't whistle on the way down.
Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Fingers
My WD-40 can rusted. Now that's irony.
If I do get murdered in this motel, will someone please deduct a star from my review over on Yelp? Thanks.
I was really angry when my wife tried to sue me for impotence But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
I like my Women, like I Like my Water. Free
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I'm composing a strongly worded email
"Love means never having to say your sorry." - someone who is very single
I always say the same thing when I find out I got a new employee Works for me!
What game do lesbians like to play? Clash of Clams
How did the badge get away with murder? He pinned it on someone else.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I'd be able to remember the characters' names from episode to episode.
A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, " 'Bout whut?"
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? No one's going to pay to have a lentil on their face!
Listen, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want but that's just what your face really looks like.
I went to a zoo the other day There was only one animal in the zoo a dog it was a shitzu
I invented a new word today... Plagiarism
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Yeah that chicken's free range. I just freed that shit onto my range. Some in the oven too.
classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."
Why did the Hawaiian Hipster burn to death? He walked on lava before it was cool.
The worst thing about Jonestown jokes? The punch line.
Greatest joke ever !!! My life
Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Nevermind, it's too long.
As an environmentalist, I've been trying to teach my teen boys to be environmentally friendly. We're starting with deodorant
"Millennials are so entitled!" Aye well I don't see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
What do liberal arts majors yell when overwhelmed? Oh,the humanities!
I would make a sexist joke but... That would be wrong, and being wrong is for women.
Sarcasm : Because life doesn't come with a free "stay out of jail card"
I text this girl who was renting a room in my house "I want to lick you out" If she likes the text then I go with it, if not I blame predictive text and it was meant to say "I want to kick you out".
If JFK could see the state of this country... It would blow his mind.
It's all fun and games when there's a hole in your bucket... ...the problems start when there's a bucket in your hole.
Case against Congress A guy walks into his agent's office and says, "Got a great movie idea. Guy hates Congress wants to bring them down." Agent looks up and says, "We'll never get the backing!"
I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice... My gondolences.
Why are black man's palms white? Because they are always leaning against cop cars.
Cricket Australia. Sponsored by Immodium. Stopping you from getting the runs.
Why is the men's room always located to the left? Because women are always right.
Story of Dave There was one a man named Dave. Who kept a dead whore in a cave. He said, 'ah, what the hell, I'll get used to the smell'. 'And think of the money I'll save'.
What is the Donner Party's favorite donut? Munchkin.
Erlich Bachman. This is you as a old mayn. I'm a ugly and dead, alone.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure's off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.
Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.
Did this dude really just say, "Why don't you make like a tree and leaf" to me? Fuck you. Why don't you make like a toilet and eat shit?
I want a job cleaning mirrors It's something I could really see myself doing.
I like my women how I like my old bike... ... chained up in the shed.
I think it's lame how Justin Bieber has millions of Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has like 8 Beliefahs.
These animal crackers are bullshit, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Which came first: the chicken or the egg? The rooster
My ex-wife still misses me... but her aim is gettin' better!
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fits Michael
The impossibility of accepting the offer of a quick drink without first pretending to check your watch
Sinead O'Connor has been found safe... She'd been missing for 7 hours and 15 days.
Hillary and Donald are out in a rowboat. The boat capsizes. Who get saved? The United States of America
My Lesbian neighbours got me a rolex for my birthday I think they misunderstood when I said, " I wanna watch"
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet ? Player: I finished it in three days !
How many Sandpeople does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You never can tell. The Sandpeople always ride in single file to hide their numbers.
hey girl , you french? coz ***madamn***
Why is legislation never passed by horses? Large number of neigh votes.
A Sadist and a Masochist are walking down the street. The Masochist says, "Hit me." The Sadist says, "No."
Is your name country crock, cause you can spread for me anytime.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I cut my pizza into 7 bits I haven't had a byte yet
Did you hear about the new show, Scrabble on Broadway? It's a play on words.
I reply to "Happy New Year" with "not if I have anything to do with it."
Two guys walk into a bar 3rd guy: "You dummies never learn. Walk around."
What do you call a masturbating bull?
I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
What do you call a boy with no arms and an eyepatch???? Names
What Were Mussolini's Secret Police Called? The Gazpacho
Marriage is a three ring circus... ...first there is the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then comes the suffering.
How does a black woman know she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon the cotton's been picked.
What's the capital of Greece? 20 euros
The only folks who put them passwords on that fancy wi-fi internets is terrorists. This is Merica, land of the free.
Had sex while camping the other day.... It was fucking in tents.....
Now that Scalia, the bullfrog of SCOTUS, has passed away... Can we say he finally croaked?
The other day I held the door open for a clown... It was a nice jester
I went to a General Store the other day. Couldn't find anything specific.
How does a jew celebrate Christmas ? He installs a parking meter on the roof
I'm surprised my son doesn't think his name is 'stopit'
In the song "Fancy," why do Iggy Azalea and Charli XCX sing about getting drunk on the mini bar? Because they only wanted to get a little drunk.
I was just gone for a moment When the jews came into the Palastinian territory to found Israel they were like: "Thanks for keeping my place warm"
Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.
What's the most incestuous surname? Dickinson
[lips on a snake] WIFE: what are you doing? ME: getting rid of the poison WIFE: you're supposed to suck your own bite SNAKE: leave him alone
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
What do Mexican parents and good reddit comments have in common? They have lots of children.
Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.
What do you call a blond with one strand of hair dyed black? A glimmer of hope
TIL if you say "gullible" very slowly it'll come out sounding like "oranges". Gotchya!?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle] Date: What's your favourite meal? Me: Poop Date: What? Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
The Indian baking festival was kind of a bust. It was a naan event.
A group of people were yelling at me in the movie theater. It got so loud I had to take my phone call outside.
Could be taken as racist, or insecure (maybe both) What do you call a immigrant fighting a rapist. "Alien versus predator"
What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby? You can't fuck a rock ...
Chris Eubank has written a book about Ethics He said if it sells well he will write one about Kent too.
I am the designated driver of 5 40ish women attending a wine tasting. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this difficult time.
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother's 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
A Roman man walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers... and says "5 beers thanks".
What kind of elephants live in Antartica ? Cold ones !
I came upon a woman in the park So she wiped it off and called the police.
Did you hear about the new farmers dating site? It's full of hoes.
After all they crap between them..Can you believe they are still together? "Who?" My butt cheeks.
What do truck drivers and porn stars have in common? They both get paid by the load.
My girlfriend said she didn't fart but she's talking out her ass
I got into a fight with the son of Odin.. I wasn't feeling well that day and when he was done with me, I said.. you're loki
The therapist told my wife and I not to go to bed angry... we haven't slept in 36 years.
Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do? A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
I was going to make a chemistry joke... but I didn't know if it would get a positive reaction.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
You know you're getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn't say anything back.
What's Putin's new favorite song? Crimea River
Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess that snails make?
"An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away" ~ Samsung
What do you call a white guy on steroids? An athlete
I wish work was like high school when I could just poop my pants to get sent home.
A knock knock joke for when your SO is on her period. Knock knock. Who's there? Mr. Tampon. Mr. Tampon who? You bloody well know who I am. (For best effect, physically knock on her pubic region)
Saturday night just logged me out due to inactivity.
So If the Pope shits in a toilet.... Does that make it holy shit? Aaaand thats my shitpost for the day.
Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don't tell me about alcohol abuse!
I spent last night at the 'As Seen on TV' store. I wanted to party like it's $19.99.
*dies & becomes a ghost* Wow! The philosophical & theological repercussions of this are staggering! I've got to tell-- *is eaten by Pac-Man*
What do you do when you meet a robotic genie? You mech a wish.
Just took a short nap, although I wouldn't exactly call it a cat nap since I didn't lay on anyone's clothes or laptop like a total asshole.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Why did the woman cross the road? Good fucking question, I need to get stronger locks for the home dungeon.
So a radio talks to another radio Over.
How do you know you're a Seattle Seahawk? A butler serves you.
Why do girls talk so much? They have four lips
Did you hear about the people who were sick in June from eating bacon past its use by date? It was mayhem.
IS your father in prison? If I was your father I would be in prison.
[job interview] "What's your.." *interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic "Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network"
Read on r/todayilearned that Saint Ambrose was the first person to practice silent reading... ...which is crazy, because typically, Catholics never shut up about their favorite book.
What kind of bug bites only at your feet? Mosqui-toes
Nothing says you don't trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Mrs. Piggy Q. Why does Mrs. Piggy douche with honey? A. Because Kermit the frog likes sweet and sour pork.
HER: I don't know what you'd do without me. ME: HER: Please stop imagining all those things. ME: Ok.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? A: I told you to lick my erection not wreck my election.
There was a kidnapping at school today. ... ... .... Everything's okay. He woke up.
Difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai What's difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai? People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones But people in Abu Dhabi Do!!
What did the getaway driver do after his accomplice, Rice, robbed the bank? Pilaf.
No, no, no, you don't have to engage in a long explanation of why you're single. We've spent five minutes together, I think I've got it.
As long as Apple doesn't announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing. She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.
As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
Yo momma's so fat... Her Patronus is a Birthday Cake.
Sex with a girl is like going to Six Flags I'd have to wait in line for an hour and a half and when it was finally my turn I wasn't big enough to get on the ride.
Super Irritating What kind of dogs use internet The ones we call dog-e
I finally met Miss Right! It wasn't until we were married that I found out her first name is Always.
How much did the obese man know about fitness? Diddly squat
You've won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you'll be a transgender time traveler.
If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription
I had an art teacher in school who didn't believe in deodorant boy was he an aroma to be around
How can you tell if a pedophile is Jewish? "Hey little kid! Want to buy some candy?"
"why didnt you come to the Halloween party?" I was a black kids father for Halloween this year.
why did the chicken cross the playground...... TO GET TO THE OVER FUCKING SLIDE, EH EH EH GEEEEEEET IT HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA *pulls the trigger
What is a ghost's favorite type of porn? Boo-kakke.
What doesn't kill you......seriously disappoints me!
2 Chefs decide to make a Mexican themed dinner for their Anniversary... Chef 1 turns to Chef 2 and utters, "you and I will make passionate shit together"
I guess we're all just lucky that Dennis the Menace's first name wasn't Carsonist.
Why do computer programmers spend so much time in the shower? The directions clearly state: "Rinse, lather, repeat"
Common sense Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when put in the oven.
What does the twitter bird do when it needs money? It goes to Twerk!
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a pizza? I don't peel the crust off of a pizza before I eat it
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
How do you know if you have skin cancer? You die from skin cancer and come back as a ghost to study the autopsy report.
Apparently, saying "make it a double" followed by an awkward wink doesn't work at the pharmacy.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Don't you hate it when you're running on a treadmill and then your butt gets really itchy and then you over-share on the internet?
What do you call it when you rape a girl and cum on her chest? A Cosby Sweater
What's the difference between a hockey team and a New Jersey hooker? A hockey team showers after 3 periods.
"You look really pretty today," I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, "And you...um, you have a GREAT personality."
I've come a long way since attaching a big jet propeller to my sperm duct
I meant to call out a plumber to fix my blocked toilet, but forgot. I'm in deep shit now.
How do Asian women test for pregnancy? Put a Rubik's Cube in the vagina for exactly one minute and see if it comes out solved.
Life is like a sewer... What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. (Shamelessly ripped from An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer)
I'm not a Drug Dealer Weed is not a Drug. it is a Plant. Therefore I am not a drug dealer, i am a Florist!
What does The Rock said to his Girl Friend? Im Stoned :p
All of my friends call me SAT prep Because no one ever does me... :(
What does Trump say after sex? "You're the best daughter ever." (Credit for inspiration to the "What does Bill say to Hilary after sex" joke)
How do you make a post man sad? Kill his family.
Can you believe they got back together after all that shit? MY BUTT CHEEKS!!!
I met the inventor of the crossword last week. Can't remember his name. P something T something R.
[emergency room] DOCTOR: Point to what's causing you the most pain ME: I can't, they're at home playing xbox
I wonder if tap dancers.... Look at a floor and think "I'd tap that"
Caught a taxi home last night from the market. Forgot I had no money. Thankfully the driver let me pay in cabbage
I was laying in bed with a hangover It's awful when your cock's so big it won't stay in the bed. -lee Mack
Did you hear about the guy that fell in love with his bag? Turns out he's bi-satchel
There's an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. You don't need this. If your phone doesn't ring at all, you're ugly.
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand? You can't gargle sand
Comeback Joke * nerds phone rings in class * Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy? * whole class laughs * Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours. * whole class is silent *
What did one piece of bread say to the sad piece of bread? Its going to be all rye.
Everyone decides to come into my circumference right AFTER I fart. Always.
[LPT] How to enable site-wide flair! * Log out of Reddit * Click Register * Enter your flair in the "username" section * Complete the registration! You're even given an additional Karma Point!TM
My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public. "THIS is my wife.." *looks down at the ground *sighs *kicks can
What do you call the security guards outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy
I broke up with my girlfriend today Now I need to buy that movie again!
So you wanna learn to speak with an Irish accent do you? Whale oil beef hooked.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
What do you call a tree that lost its family in a forrest fire? Mourning wood
Two mutes walk into a bar and one says to the other:
Who do you call when theres a fly in your house? The SWAT team
What is worst then the holocaust? 6 million Jews
How bout a fortune cookie that tells you not to take advice from shitty dessert.
If quizes are quizical, what are tests? Testical!
Why do people have legs? So our ass wouldn't hit the floor while we walk!!!!
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he'd be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
What do you call a group of kangaroos? A Kangacrew
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies!
If electricity follows the path of least resistance... Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
Like a baboon stuck in a snowstorm... I should be dead right now.
What do you call it when cosine plays? Cos(play)
What to Australian Trains use as fuel? Coal-Ala
What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his hoagie off a bridge? There goes my Hero.
What do they call American Liberty in Israel? A valid target.
There once was a lady named Sue... ..who didn't have much to do. So she pulled out the vacuum, and went to the bathroom, and found a new way to go poo.
Hipster farmers don't harvest crops because they're only cool when they're underground.
How is Santa able to carry so many presents at once? Santa isn't real.
Don't like tipping bathroom attendants for merely handing me a towel. Maybe if he performed a service like wiping my ass I'd consider it.
I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people
What is Victoria's Secret? 'Her' real name is Victor!
How many girls a boy need to shoot a school? None.
[1st date] Maybe next time i could meet your dog [2nd date] Your dog is so cool [3rd date] Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you
A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?" "No" the man says. "Is that still required?"
There once was a girl named Sally with no arms.. "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Not Sally"
It's a joke. What type of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.
What has 3 tails 4 trunks and 6 feet ? An elephant with spare parts !el
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one's laughing now. I'm receiving treatment and everyone's been really supportive.
I like my women like how I like my White House... No Bush!!!!
Why didn't Hitler ever order the French Dip sandwich when he went out to eat? Because he hated au jus.
I don't know when but there was a moment in my life when food changed from friend to lover.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to "work that poll".
'McDonalds is the biggest sponsor of the 2012 olympic games'. We've officially reached the point where satire doesn't need punchlines.
"Can I smash my head against your wall?" "Sure, knock yourself out."
Did you hear about the factory run by a hangman? All work has been suspended.
My doctor told me I had to quit masturbating Turns out it was because he was trying to examine me
What's grey beautiful and wears glass slippers ? Cinderelephant !
When is the worst time to get Cancer? North of the equator.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman
A guy walks in a library and sees a chunky chick in his favorite spot Guy: Hey I'm Drew, whats your name? Girl: Paige Guy: Paige huh? Well...you look like a whole fuckin book!
2 reasons why im fat 1) i eat when I'm bored 2) im always bored
*gets called abnormal* *checks for normal abs*
If life gives you melons... You might be dyslexic.
What' the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pea soup. (As told by my 8yo, who made me laugh with a joke for the first time. Proud dad moment.)
20/20 asking Bobby Brown about his having sex with a ghost... " What?! No, I'm sorry - I said it was a goat! "
What do princess Diana and pink Floyd have in common? their biggest hits were both the wall
My Facebook persona did not sleep well last night.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy." Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
How can you tell that someone's a vegan? Don't worry; they'll tell you themselves.
OK it's like sure, I've MURDERED before. Big deal. Sue me. It's not like I'm a MURDERER or anything. I only do it socially.
What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg
I brought my cannibal friend over to a party... He sucked the life right out of it.
My neighbor's diary says I have boundary issues.
What does a Obstetrician and a well written joke have in common? They deliver
Q: What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? A: "Is it mine?"
*lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU
According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.
So this girl I was seeing asked me for a dick pic... So I asked "White, black, asian or pacific islander?"
*hears crying* *finds baby in dumpster* *sees large box full of N64 games* *looks around* "You didn't see anything, baby." *takes box*
A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday... It would be funny if this joke had a punchline. Wooden tit.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships? "in HD"
"Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?" "Church?" "K let's make 'em like that" -- funeral home designers
what do you call an underwater dog? a sub-woofer
How does a racist joke start? With a small loan of a million dollars
What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers? Russell.
What's the difference between a gardener and a pimp? A gardener doesn't want his hose to have kinks.
what do you call a slutty french fry? a potat-hoe
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby? I don't ejaculate on an apple before I eat it.
What do you call a spider from Baghdad? An Iraqnid.
Tiger Woods is the most overrated athlete in the history. In almost all matches he was sub-par.
What do penguins do in a race? They peng-win
I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic. His work is Mind BLowing
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln, because he is in a cent.
An asian man goes to the eye doctor... The doctor says to him "I know why you're not seeing so well, you have a cataract" The asian man says "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental"
What's the difference between a pizza and a pizza joke? You can't top a good pizza joke.
hi What did the painter say to the paint can? A lot of good you are . (the joke is that the paint can is empty)
When someone uses an elipsis at the end of a text message I assume they fell off a cliff.
My doctor told me not to eat anything fatty... ...my wife is going to be disappointed.
(NSFW) Last night I tried to hit the ceiling with my jizz, but just like every night, I was unsuccessful. It was one of my many shortcomings
There's a black man in my family tree... He's been hanging there for a while now.
What's the weather like in the ghetto? A little muggy.
What do you call a dwarf tattoo artist? An Inkling.
Investigators say the Germanwings copilot suffered from manic depression. One minute he was up, then he was down.
When a jury found Chuck Norris guilty of murder, the judge sentenced himself to death rather than sentencing Chuck Norris to anything.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting] "we need to tell users when their inbox is full" how do we do that? "we send them another email" nice
Put the punchline in the title Do you know what the best way to ruin a joke is?
Have you guys heard about Wendys? Wendys nuts going to be in that mouth
You can't trust a mule with an important task. They'll just half-ass it.
What starts with N, has two Gs in the middle, and has no business wearing a pointy white hood? Your noggin
Why are so many Italian men named Tony? When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...
And the winner of the 2016 presidential election is Hillary! - Steve Harvey
I took a public speaking class in college. I did a presentation about Free Speech. It was mostly just about the website where I downloaded my speech.
"It's a boy!" Mario shouted. "It's a boy!" With tears rolling down his cheeks, Mario came running out of the room....and never visited Bangkok again.
Wife: hey take me out tonight. Me: can it wait till tomorrow? Wife: why? Me: because tonight's not garbage night, tomorrow is
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday. Too forward? Maybe it's too forward.
What do you call a rapist in the friendzone? A stalker.
[NSFW?]What do you call 100 Jews on a train? Anything you want because they're not coming back.
Are you looking forward to the Olympics? I am, they're going to be dope.
I think my dog goes out at night to drink with her doggie friends. At least she can't drive because that would be ridiculous.
I'm kind of a workplace bad boy. Once I called a dude 'fuckface' in a job interview. Then I didn't even give him the job.
Dad: "Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind." Son: "I'm over here Dad."
We have bike lanes and carpool lanes. I demand a waterslide lane on every major road.
What does my Uncle and my account balance have in common? I cry whenever I see them.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE? Oh, that's not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
What's a cow's favorite chemical? molybdenum monoxide MoO
When I was younger, I was kicked out of the Boy Scouts I ate a Brownie.
How much will a pirate charge you for a piercing? Buckaneer
What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?  Where's Pop Corn?
I like my coffee like I like my women.. Without a penis
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs. Bartender: What's with the steering wheel? Pirate: Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!
Two Flies Two flies were sitting on a turd. One of the flies farts. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey! Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here."
How do you keep an erection? Don't fuck with it
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club. Lol. I can't believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I'll stab you.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They're not afraid of anything not even death. They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?  Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
I haven't lost my virginity yet Because I never lose
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Harrison Ford has broken his ankle. There will now be a new Star Wars cast.
[NSFW] What's the difference between a bucket of dead babies and a pile of sex toys? The bucket.
love Boyfreind " Honey, your chest is so flat, but your hole is sooo tight" girlfreind " Get off my back!"
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
Leia: I love you. Han: I know. [gets frozen in carbonite] [two years pass] [gets unfrozen] Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN "I KNOW?!"
In Russian Thanksgiving... Turkey shoots you. [Meme](https://imgur.com/SHs2Vbt)
"Helga tell me something. Why do Swedish men always have stupid grins on their faces?" "Because they're stupid" said her friend.
My iPhone is currently updating so I have to tweet from my computer like some Ethiopian kid.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
A raconteur walked into a bar theres more to life then meets the eye
What do you call something that is half horse and half pig? A mounted police officer
Hit me baby, one more time. Chris Brown should date Britney Spears.
Love is like a fart If you have to try its just shit
I think Mayweather misread the boxing guidebook You're suppose to hug your girlfriend and beat the enemy fighter.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special. Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I ejaculated in my girlfriend's face. She never saw it coming. She's blind.
Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
How can you tell that the movie Martian is not realistic? Because Americans use imperial unit system.
I like my beer how I like my violence. Domestic.
Hearing problems I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can u describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
"Luke, I have no idea who your father is." #AlternateUniverseFilms
What happens when you take acid with a birth control pill? A trip without the kids
My kleptomania is getting worse I should definitely take something.
What was wrong with the wooden car? It wooden go.
How can you tell the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care
I tried crossbreeding my cows. I was attempting to create a new type of milk that was super sweet. Instead, none of the cows would even produce milk. It was a complete and udder failure.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring... Not even a mouse stirred.
Two dogs are arguing And one of them says "Well your mom's a bitch!"
What does Paul Atreides do when he wants the last glass of water? He calls Muad'Dibs on it
A note to the mods 
The Magic Conch I started imagining the magic conch episode of spongebob, but with a cock in place of the conch. I think it has potential
Triple entendre The word "masturbate" is only three syllables. It seems a lot longer to me.
My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal. *cashes in college fund *installs a pool in backyard
What is the definition of a Freudian slip? when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
What kind of fish has two knees? A tunee fish.
What's the Mexican version of the KKK? Que? Que? Que?
What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears? A gf gif gift grift
I went to a baseball game with my dad last night. It was pretty fun, we even got on the jumbotron! Then I noticed it was the Emotional Unavailability Cam.
If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked me for money... I'd still say no.
Why is business good on Easter? Because prophets rise
My math teacher used to call me average. How mean!
A good comeback when someone doesn't believe you're a time traveler is "Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral."
Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.
I accidentally knocked over my daughters giant Lego building she made. It's ok though, I blamed it on radical Muslims like a good American.
What's green and smells like pork? Kermits finger! This is a guy I knows fav all time joke and I told him I would put it on here after telling him the jokes I read on here.
When you're a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
My sister asked her husband to help wrap (presents) So he said "then throw down a beat"
An uneducated man was in the hospital` Doctor: I'm sorry,but your kidneys are failing Man: But my kidneys never went to a school?
Why do ducks have flat feet? So they can stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? So they can stamp out flaming ducks.
Why don't men like going Downtown with women? Because eating-out can be so expensive.
This Halloween on the East Coast I heard a lot of people are going to be the Scorpions this Halloween. Because we're gonna get rocked like a hurricane.
Some days I'm more on than off, but most days I'm just a moron.
Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear." Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."
Donald Trump, an asshole, and an evil masterminds walks into a bar... He sits down and orders a drink.
How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed? tape velcro to the ceiling.
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero? 3, 2 to die and 1 to never get over it.
My friend Herbert recently died from an overdose of weedkiller. The cause of death was determined to be Herbicide.
What did R. Kelly say to the teenage girl fan? Urine for a surprise.
Why don't North Koreans go to heaven? because they have no Seoul
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
If a party with all dudes is called a "sausage fest", I request that we start calling all girl parties "taco time".
Half of all marriages end in divorce. That's not so bad. The other half end in death!
I'm only friends with people who are taller than me, just in case of thunderstorms.
I totally owned the mosh pit at the One Direction concert last night.
"Report Spam" is the elevator close door button of Twitter.
Don't forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Why doesn't Oprah Winfrey have sex with her husband? She doesn't have a husband.
I drink my alcohol responsibly...spilling is not an option
To all the virgins out there Thanks for nothing!
Testicle. It's life in a nutshell.
Can anyone help me with starting a rocket science club at school? I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.
Somebody stole my Thanksgiving turkey... I suspect fowl play (IT'S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)
You didn't even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair! - women
Doctor: you're never too old to start exercising Me: cool thanks i'll start in maybe like 15 years then
What do you call a slutty midget? A tator thot.
Fiddy bucks Jewish girl walks up to her Jewish dad and says, "Can I borrow fifty dollars?" He responds, "Fourty dollars? What do you need twenty dollars for?"
Two breakdancers walk into a bar They get served.
Men get more attractive with age. Women...well they just let you put it in more places.
What's the difference between cum and Jello? Jello doesn't hit the back of your throat at 120 mph.
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a  snowman. Doctor: Keep cool !
Since 3D is so popular, all my tweets will be in 3D from now on. But you have to supply your own glasses.
What did the kid with cancer get for Christmas? Nothing, he didn't make it that far.
What do you call a pepper on a string that comes back to you? A Jalapenyo-yo
*does 3 or 4 pretty accurate karate kicks in front of a girl* "Ya as I was saying my dad went to middle school with the drummer from Tesla"
My GFs family are religious which sux 1st time I stayed there her dad wouldnt let us sleep together Was a shame cuz he was very attractive
Man, you see that clown who's been spending all day hiding from faggots? No, havn't seen him? Interesting..
[NSFW] "The Pope does anal now!" "Holy fucking shit, are you serious?!"
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what's up.
I've been winning egg hunts since before I was even born.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican magician? He told his audience that he'd disappear on the count of 3. He counted "Uno! Dos!"... And disappeared without a tres.
How does Donald Trump plan to get rid of illegal Mexican fans of Stars Wars? Obi Juan by Juan Kenobi
What's the difference between the Serengeti and the White House? In the Serengeti there are African lions, but in the White House there's a lyin' African.
A sandwich walks into a bar. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
My dad told me... My dad told me that if I don't get off reddit now he would slam my face on the keybioshdauiewbnfkbhwFIOEWJHFUI9WREFH p9efyh WHBUHF WFH89WRQ FUIWF QUIUIRP P
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time? One day my prints will come.
"Can I buy you a drink?" "I'd rather just have the money"
That's weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill...
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
I like my beer like I like me sex slaves..... Imported
Why did the veggie band sound horrible live? Because they were missing a beet.
To the people that put their Twitter link in their own Twitter profile: Thank you. I would have never found you otherwise.
How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's okay. I'll just sit here in the dark.
Why are most blacks Catholic? If they were Jewish their dicks couldn't live in the hood.
What is another way to describe a cat ? A heat seeking missile !
Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken...
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" Apparently it wasn't the best way to try to convince my girlfriend to get an abortion.
[on a date] *wonders if she'll steal my fries while I use the restroom* *shakes Magic 8 ball* "YES" *takes plate of fries with me*
At my job I am forced to deal with more cunts than a gynecologist.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car's lights are on.
What did the salad say as it was thrown into jail? "Lettuce Go!"
Flight Attendant: Would you like some headphones? Man: Yes, and how did you know my name was Phones?
Ask me if I'm a tomato
"Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me"
What do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen? Carlos.
What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.
Russians dolls. They're so full of themselves
Did you hear about the arm that tells jokes? They're actually quite humerus
A wife gets naked... And runs to her husband in bed and yells "SUPER PUSSY!" The husband look at her and says "I'll have the soup"
I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.
I spilled coffee on my laptop. now it won't go into sleep mode..
Why was the ink happy? Because it had its in-de-pen-dance. I'm posting lots of really bad jokes tonight that just appear in my head, if just one person enjoys just one joke is worth it, good evening.
What's harder to pull out of than Iraq? Bristol Palin.
Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her Bartender: Oh yeah? Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th ::rushes home::
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
What do you call a skinny person that identifies as obese? A trans fat
When an artist covers another artist's song, it's flattering. When a comedian tells another comedian's joke, it's Carlos Mencia
I have something witty to say Something witty
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Does. Not. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has.Asthma
Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars? So they can park in handicapped spaces.
[outside eden] Adam: This isnt so bad Eve: Yea Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this [5 min later] Adam: [banging on gates] WE'RE SORRY
"Me llamo Pedro," said no Juan ever.
When you have a relationship with a positive person.. You usually get aids
What's the difference between pea soup and mashed potatoes? Anyone can mash potatoes
Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.
I learned about being sad from my dad. He's kind of a lamentor to me.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down a chimney.
I do not, and never will, know my confirmation number.
Old lady asked me to check her balance I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over
"I see" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw
I saved my girlfriends phone number as LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.
Why do computer programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25
i wanna feel how dogs feel when you let them go in a big field
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
What do you call someone with No body and a nose.. Nobody knows..
When I text someone and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from over excitement.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
There are no winners in an arm wrestling match, only Nascar fans.
Why do Russians love pho? Because they're SO-VIET
Found this diet that's supposed to make you paper-thin. I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records.
I missed going to the gym today. So that's 20 years in a row now.
Q. How do you make holy water? A. Boil the hell out of it.
I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem...
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
If we can't hit our kids, what's next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?
I'm so smart, I've got more brains than... Kurt Cobain's ceiling
Why don't you prescribe Viagra as an antidepressant? it only makes things harder.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I'm in Canada so nah
I was at the gym and noticed a hole on my Trainer that I could fit my finger in He filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life..
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework. On the way to school.
I respect the moon, it controls two of our most precious elements, oceans and wolves.
Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.
A Jewish kid asks his dad if he can have five dollars. He answers, "Four dollars? What do you need three dollars for?"
How did the hipster burn his hand? He was into lightbulbs before they were cool.
What fruit fits best in your palm? a palm-agranate!
What's the capital of Greece? About 10
For me sex is like a game singleplayer
What did the man say to the fly? "Hey.. you're looking fly"
When I was 15, my dad found my stash of porn magazines. To teach me a lesson, he sat there and made me masturbate to every one.
Why is the ocean so salty? The land never waves back.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
I always have to wear sleeveless shirts. Concealed carry isn't legal for *these guns!*
How do rainbows laugh? Hue hue hue
Did you know there's a species of antelope that can jump higher than a two story house? This is mostly because the antelope has powerful hind leg muscles, and houses can't jump.
[first day as coast guard] Boss: 7 people died on your watch today Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I just dropped my BlackBerry! This must be similar to how mother's feel when they drop their infants.
Spongebob might be the main character.... but Patrick is the star.
Did you hear about the storm down at the docks last weekend? You didn't? It was breaking canoes.
How do you break the nose of a blonde without touching her? Wave your cock underneath a glass table
"Omg, I literally just died" -people who literally don't know what literally means
"Pasta la veista, baby" -Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I'm gonna date the first guy to come out of this "Free STD Screenings!" van. #goodplan
How do you beat someone in an argument? Use your fists.
I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don't own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Acid ! Acid who ? Acidently on purpose !
Next Battlefield map set in Nepal. It's made using groundbreaking technology.
My medical bills are so high That I got a thank you card from my Doctors kids' colleges
TIL that "Call of Duty" has a different name in the Middle-East They call it "The Sims"
Wanted to tweet "I'm hella tired" but my phone keeps autocorrecting "hella" to "REALLY? HELLA? YOU ARE A GROWN-ASS LADY, KNOCK IT OFF."
[to astronaut brother] Ooooh la la Gary's going to SPACE *does jerkoff motion* I'll be here on EARTH where my pizza & tv won't FLOAT AWAY
Arnold Schwarzenegger has been talking about Carly Fiorina for years: "Carly Fiorina needs water," "Carly Fiorina is a great state," blah blah blah.
What do you call an Arab who owns a goat and a camel? Bisexual.
This is a long one but here goes... Knock Knock
Why do some loudspeakers have holes? For the pleasure of the audiophiles.
I accidentally took a woman's multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
What's the difference between the 7 dwarfs and a girl's high school track team? The 7 dwarfs are a bunch of cunning runts...
Sorta miss my kid today. Guess it's true what they say about not knowing what you've got until you've sold it to a gypsy.
What worse than finding out your wife has cancer? Finding out it is curable.
There'd be no reason to see a doctor if WebMD gave out prescriptions.
If the meal between breakfast and lunch is called brunch and the meal between lunch and dinner is called linner, what's the meal between breakfast and dinner called? Lunch
I interned at the Dow Jones News Fund. It had its ups and downs.
I'm not sure who's more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because my tires look like donuts? Cop: Get out
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar Did you hear about the 3 legged dog who walked into a bar? He was looking for the man who shot his paw!
Will glass coffins be a success Clearly
How is Donald Trump going to get rid of the Mexicans if elected? Pesticide
Siri just said I'm looking for love in all the wrong places so I'm tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.
I've suffered from identity crisis since I was a little boy. I mean girl.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My friend David had his Id stolen. Now we just call him Dav..
To be, or not to be, that is the question. Answer: FF [why?](/s "2B OR NOT 2B = FF")
Ever had sex while camping? It's intents.
What's another word for cinnamon? Synonym.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Premature ejaculation was the number one public health issue in the North Pole in 2016 Looks like Santa came early this year
Why were the breakfast potatoes running around hitting each other? HashTag!
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere. I sold them all on the black market.
Once I've read about the perils of alcoholism I've decided to stop... ...reading.
Why does Japan have a high life expectancy? It is full of anti - occidents
I'd go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
I've haven't eaten gluten for a week... and I, personally, already feel *so* annoying.
What do you call an underwater masochist? A submarine!
Why did the old lady stand in front of three rows of traffic? Cause she was a cunt. (Courtesy of my little brother.)
Don't worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex's name tattooed.
I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week They seem to beheading in the right direction
"i'm positive i can find a wrong way to eat a Reese's" i say as i begin drilling a hole directly into my stomach
If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She's a slut.
My anaconda don't want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
There's 3 things I hate about r/jokes people who think they know the punchline and misleading titles.
what do you call a gassy Scotsman? Bravefart
My parents haven't called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I'm sending my brother over there to check on them.
I tried to catch fog yesterday. But I mist
I miss Steve Irwin But the stingray didnt.
What language do Fed-Ex drivers speak? Parcel-tongue
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds. OK Ladies - if you didn't like that - what's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
I'm not schizophrenic *yes he is*
What do you call a fish that likes to cook? Bobby Fillet
English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Edit: R.I.P My inbox
My friend is into necrophilia, pedophilia and beastiality. It's not as bad as it sounds, he just fucks scrambled eggs.
I don't know why old people drive so slowly.. If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!
So my doctor told me I need to stop eating so much... But I don't think I can just quit eating cold turkey.
If your drug dealer doesn't give you any change, he's probably not going to give you a receipt either.
What does an obese white woman have in common with a brick? Eventually, they're both getting laid by a Mexican.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? For being outstanding in his field!
What is E.T short for? Because he has little legs.
Helen Keller What was Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn't want someone to hack in and...pay my insurance bill
A vampire masturbating into a mirror. You didn't see that coming.
What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian? Aye matey.
What do you call a fat Muslim? Just Mu^~~slim~~
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "It's going to take me awhile to get hard. I just got laid by a chick."
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!
I'm feeling like a country Hungary
How do you know your gf is getting fat? She starts fitting in your wife's clothes...
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
I really hate arguments about fractions. They're divisive.
How does a male contraceptive pill work? You put it in his shoe and it makes him limp.
My wife was looking tired after giving blood I asked if she felt drained...
I bet the Presidential Seal gets to eat all the fish he wants.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. Well, I think she was poor. She only had 1.30 in her purse.
Why can't John complete a workout? He tried, but it didn't work out.
What do you call a burning white guy? A firecracker
Fuck! I have to fly to California to prevent a forest fire. THIS IS TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY!
How does NASA organize parties? First they planet then the stars comet.
Why does the Dalai Lama go to the bookies everyday? Because he likes Tibet.
My girlfriend said that she'd break up with me if I kerp on making cheesy puns Its okay some things just are'nt ment to brie
People think being a programmer is super exciting But sometimes it's just null and void.
Ro-Ro-Robocop, Gently down the stream, Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[David Attenborough narrating my life] Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus!
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty six year olds?
Your brain has two sides: left and right. Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left.
What do a redneck and hippie have in common? They both hate the government.
How can you tell if a ghost is about to faint? He gets pale as a sheet.
What do Michelle Obama and the lead singer of The Police have in common? They're both similar to insects! (FLOTUS like a butterfly, Sting like a bee)
How is the NFL like Brokeback Mountain? The Cowboys suck!
Islamic state claimed responsibility for american presidential elections.
How many Mexicans do you need to change a Lightbulb? Juan.
I hate people who say "said no one ever" to things I said because I literally just f-cking said it.
I grew up poor . The end of the month was difficult money wise especially the 30 last days.
me: [gets on one knee] GF: [gasps] me: [reaches into pocket] GF: OMG me: [pulls phone out] don't move there's a Pokemon on your foot
When is the best time to see a dentist? Tooth-Hurty
My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.
My wife left me for an Indian guy I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Pyramid schemes... Wrong on so many levels
Called the rape advice hotline last night.. Apparently it's only for victims.
All of Hitlers generals were having a cookout, why wasn't Hitler invited? He always burnt the franks.
What fish goes up the river at 100mph ? A motor pike !
Selling a vacuum has to be nearly impossible. They all suck.
What does Donald Trump say after sex? I never saw that woman in my life.
a guy jacks off with pictures of his girlfriend he realized they were blank
[Courtroom] Judge: Have you been up before me? Convict: I don't know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
How does Hasbro test tickle me elmo's? They have test-tickles.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it's coupons
Overheard a black guy asking the waitress for some crackers, so I stood up and yelled "THATS OUR WORD!"
Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors? Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
The best way to keep your new iPhone from getting stolen is to have a case on it that makes it look like a Blackberry.
I hate stools... They are a bunch of sons of benches.
If an Astronaut Vomits in L.E.O. If an Astronaut vomits in L.E.O., what do you call the portion of the vomit closest to the Earth? The Ralph Nadir
Miss Anders... I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Barber: And how old are you little man? Fred: Eight. Barber: And do you want a haircut? Fred: Well I certainly didn't come in for a shave!
Why do tulips glow? Because they come from bulbs. (This is the only *dad* joke I know.)
Where are the Halloween jokes?
Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats That's nuts, I told him
Why does Ganondorf hate reddit Because it has too many links! (I'll show myself out :) )
Why did it take the computer so long to decide whether it wanted to buy an Egyptian cotton sheet? Because it had too many threads.
If you're American when you enter the bathroom and American when you exit the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European
Black Guy , Rabbi , Priest board a plane..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__4JiQI3N6Q&amp;list=UUGglsv4QSDDNs6oBqTEzoyg&amp;index=1&amp;feature=plcp short and dry, but funny imo.
"I just can't wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house." -Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
What did the baby cigarette want to be when it grew up? a Drag Queen
Why don't chickens like people ? They beat eggs !
[babysitting] Ok well sorry I threw all your kid's toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!
What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
A filthy dirty joke 4 white horses fell in a mud puddle!
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I like my women like I like my slaves: Coffee. Wait...
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I've seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I'd like to introduce you to someone. Black jelly bean, this is garbage can. Garbage can, this is black jelly bean.
A cougar is an older lady who goes for younger guys. A Tyga is an older man who goes for younger women.
Cabbies, stop acting like paying with a credit card is the worst thing to happen to you since you were a child soldier in your homeland.
A termite walks into a bar and asks... is the Bar Tender here?
Some bitch just called me a crack whore... Stupid dogs, ass is the only way to go ;)
So a man comes into a bar... Wait, no... It was a horse. So a man comes into a horse...
How many black people does it take to change a light bulb? Seriously, I gotta figure out how many slaves I need to buy
Why did Pluto miss the solar system party. He didn't planet right
Library charged my Visa $15.60 for my son's lost Dr. Seuss book. Teri got mad oh yes she did, Teri got angry and grounded her kid.
What do you call a white guy with 2 black guys in the back of the car? The police. What do you call a black guy with 2 white guys in the back of the car? Uber!
*First Date* Her: Hobbies? *thinks about the 50,000 piece Lego Death Star I'm building* Me: Architecture and Astronomy. Her: Impressive.
If you want a medical degree, they're literally hanging on doctor's walls. Grab one.
Apparently my uncle sold his soul to the devil for a cure for baldness. Now there's going to be Hell Toupee.
Drinking on Tuesday because I'm consistent.
I was gonna make a pun... But the stress of making them is unbearable.
Never ever... Never trust a midget that tells you your wife's hair smells nice.
Used lettuce for my burger bun tonight. I've never been more prepared to become your most hated Facebook friend.
Son: Dad can I go to a 50 Cent concert? Dad: Here's $1, take your sister too Son: Dad can I go to a 50 Cent concert? Dad: Here's $1, take your sister too :D
As you get older, dirty talk turns into "Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it..."
A man walks into a butchers... A man walks into a butchers and says "Is that a sheep's head?" to which the butcher replies "No... it's just the way I do my hair.".
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that's when I realised I was drunk.
I want to do to your body what Mitt Romney does to poor people.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation... My Czech is in the mail!
[job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5
ALBUS: It's a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING. SNAPE: That's amazing. We can save- ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
12: I hate school. Me: Hey! Perk up! Years from now you'll look back on this as the best time of your life! 12: Now you're just being mean
I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary... ...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If April showers bring May flowers, what does May bring? The pilgrims.
Masturbation... ...It comes in handy
What blood type are most grammar Nazis have? A Type O
Time traveller: I'm from the future Me: prove it *he pulls out next weeks newspaper* Me: nice try, they've already invented newspapers
Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? A: Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
I went to the doctor's office for an Alzheimer's test... I can't remember the results.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.
How does Jesus make his coffee? Hebrews it.
True love doesn't care about the look or size of your wallet, it's all about what is inside ..... the wallet.
I beat off with a hammer cuz I'm bad to the bone.
I like how Twizzlers has the balls to put a flavor description on the package. "Strawberry"? Suck my ass. More like "Tire".
How does Jesus make his coffee? Hebrews it!
My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in.
Why will you never see a politician at your Concealed Weapons Permit class? Because people who purchase weapons legally are law abiding citizens.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more naughty in bed But now she wants me to give her toys back.
I NEED JOKES ABOUT TREES Don't ask questions, I just really need non-offensive tree jokes and fast! Thank you for your help!!!
Two sausages are sizzling in a pan.... One says "Do you think it's hot in here?" The other says "oh my god a talking sausage!"
What's the difference between Americans and Brits? Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.
Why did Laketown pass new emissions regulations? They had a major Smaug problem.
My girlfriend told me I was average... .. but I think she was just being mean...
Why was Henry the Eighth so fat? Because he Tudor house.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would've been if he'd helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Totally done with the history channel... Nothing but repeats.
[OC] Name something that can be a variety of sizes, but only comes in large. My penis.
How do you know a redneck invented the toothbrush? If it where anyone else it woulda been called a teethbrush
My girlfriend wanted 8 inches.... So I fucked her twice
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Donuts 360GlazeitFaggot
Why are girls bad at maths? They can't even.
What came first, the hen or the egg? The rooster. ;)
What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone.
Who is the Sith Lord of fear? Count Spooku
What's the smallest drink you can order at a bar? A mar tiny.
I asked my Welsh friend... How many shags have you had? He started counting then fell asleep.
When things go wrong, what can you always count on? Your fingers.
Why did the californian celebrate his birthday a day earlier? He moved down-under!!
I was going to use the new machine in the gym But I found out it only sold protein bars
Did you hear about the silent performer that got sent to jail? He was sodomimed
Funny pick up line Are you from Japan? Because I want to get in Japanese!
If your bathroom sink looks like mine, you're disgusting and I'm a hypocrite.
Who wants to hear an appendectomy joke? [Removed]
My wife always finds a reason to hate every girl that I bring home.
A horse walks into a bar... And the barman says "Why the long face?"
Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways.
What do you call a hobo who becomes a pimp? Rags to bitches
1. Buy Dick Cheney's memoir. 2. Tie it to a board. 3. Pour water on it. 4. Demand the truth. 5. Fail to get it.
What do you call a flying pig? Swine flu
Q: What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? A: One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Why is everyone impatiently awaiting the new Zelda game? It's Hylian-ticipated
Just accidentally zoomed so far out of a Word document that I saw the birth of the universe
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
What do you call a midget with a dildo on backwards? Shrimp cocktail.
Why do I call my van the Pussy Destroyer? Because cats explode when I run over them
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you're at it, why don't you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
what did the sign outside the rehab center say? "Keep off the grass"
I've got 99 problems and they're all luftballons.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
How do you make a Game of Thrones fan sad? You ask them to hold the door for you.
Did you hear about the casino croupier whose hand, through a tragic accident, was reduced to a stub? Don't worry, he's dealing with it.
Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in the US? Welcome to Louisiana
Heading to work this morning there was a car parked on the train tracks, with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" That train engineer must have REALLY loved Jesus.
What do pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common? Flatbush
What is the issue with Dr. Dre's releases? Chronic delays.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Does it have apples in it? -No. -What about pine? -No pine either. -Perfect, we'll call it a pineapple.
Rick Astley will lend you any of the Pixar films in his collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
[dj voice] "Make some noise, Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "Whatcha wanna hear, I'm taking requests" [in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I'M DAD
I will never go bungee jumping. A rubber breaking was the reason I was born, it sure as hell isn't going to be the reason that I die.
Polar Bear Q: How do you catch a polar bear? A: You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
Sure, I'd love to Skype with you. Just hold on a sec while I brush my hair and undergo various cosmetic surgery procedures.
If Leonardo DiCaprio played a police officer in a movie, what would his name be? Leonardo DiCoprio
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
What happens when you get your girlfriend pregnant? You shove a coathanger up her vagina.
It's not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny -- just because your english is gooder than theirs be.
What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today.. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love' and on the back they say 'But I wont do that!'
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for his birthday? He felt his presents.
Don't take it personally if I don't like you. Some of my best friends are people I don't like.
In Australia, nah-yeah means yes, yeah-nah means no and nah-nah means banana.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild* Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute! *pulls out phone, dials number* Hi mom, I got home safe.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? The difference is in a police car all the pricks are on the inside
There should be a "Life of Pi" TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
When the first jackhammer was invented... ...it was a groundbreaking innovation!
J. S. Bach's wife found herself in a predicament when her sexy underwear caught fire. Johann was quick to respond to her duress and blew air on the g-string.
My father never hit me. But when I was bad, he would take off his belt... And then he'd take off his pants.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
children crying as stepdad attempts to overturn custom t-shirt mall kiosk that accidentally typed "#2 dad" on his photo, stepdad also crying
Chick on tinder &lt; chicken tender
Unarmed Aeroplanes, America's only weakness. too soon?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
It only took three beers before I could tell my kid her Barbie Dream House is in foreclosure. She's such a lightweight.
Britain has invented a new missile It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
What one noun, verb, and US President sums up a scientist's hopes and fears? Grant.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
People are always telling me I don't have friends, but they're wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
Why did the dinner roll spend his afternoon knocking on doors? He was a Jehovah's Wheatness
How do you start a raid in Ethiopia? Staple food to the ceiling!
Menbership (n): the fact of being a member of the Old Boys club.
Whenever someone holds my baby & he makes even a tiny peep, I yell "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BABY WHY ARE YOU BURNING MY BABY!?"
I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.
So Thor walks into a bar.. Thor falls to the ground and Loki laughs "that must have happened at least Thor hundred times this month"
You really inspire me to be a bitter person.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that's never been done before
Do you or anyone you know regularly kill it on the web with net posts? You may be entitled to a false sense of self worth
I call my car the "pussy wagon" because that's where I go to cry.
Why does Mexico never win the Olympics? Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim already left.
What did one earthquake say to the other? .... .... Was that your fault or mine?
Sex is hereditary... ... if your parents never had it you won't either.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Just between you and me, something smells down there.
I really need to watch my language... You know what they say, swearing is the grammatical crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.
I loved Star Trek Into Darkness, but I have to admit the movie did have its pros and Khans
What do you call an Arab who just arrived -Amir The next one? -Amir Azwal The next? -Amir Azwal Azim
"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son. "Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
What is the best stand-up routine of our time? I nominate Chris Rock's Never Scared.
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? With a porcupine, the prick is on the outside.
Sex is like ping pong A never ending push and pull until one partner loses the ball
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied "Only for you, baby". Now he feels special.
I have all the money I'll ever need  if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.
*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Me: how much for the entire case? Donut shop clerk: ma'am, $8.99 a dozen
I will never eat at Chick-Fil-A because of its owner's bigotry. Thank god every other corporation is run by kind, forward-thinking people!
How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? Hella.
What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca? One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.
My African Neighbour just accused me of being racist.I said, " F*ck Off, I've got a coloured TV ".
In the recent news of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds both passing away... ...Keith Richards, the guitarist for the Rolling Stones, has confirmed to still be alive.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed? Isaac Newton died a virgin
I'm thinking about selling my vacuum cleaner... ... All it does is collect dust.
Why did the feminist fail algebra? She couldn't solve inequalities
Shia muslims are not welcome in the City of Brotherly Love... Because it's always sunni in Philadelphia.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That's about right.
Katy Perry has made it so awkward to buy cherry chapstick. I swear that cashier just winked and licked his lips at me.
Cars have reverse lights so you can drive the wrong way at night, like the signs tell you to.
Have you heard about Will.i.am's new sitcom? My Name Is URL
I used to think I was trapped inside a woman's body Then I was born
Yo mama so fat... She takes up more mass than her thin friend.
What is a surgeon's excuse for not wearing a condom? Don't worry baby, I'm sterile.
If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive? American comedy films.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair
What film do you get when you pull your pants down? Free Willy
Quit my banking job this morning I lost interest
Did you know? Call of duty has been released in Iraq and Afgahnistan as "The Sims."
Why is your shit tapered? So your asshole don't slam shut.
Don't follow Rockin Robin on twitter Apparently all he does is tweet tweet tweet
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK. This isn't funny, what isle is it in
elevator operator my career as an elevator operator was very up and down.
What is something a woman hates about a man but a man would love about a woman? Premature ejactulation.
People with gender dysphoria tend to be great businessmen. Every action they take is a trans-action.
A guy died while having sex He came and went
I was going to take another trip to the pencil museum but decided it was pointless.
how many babies does it take to paint a wall. depends how hard you throw them
Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning? He tried to make himself a Pb&amp;J sandwich
I'm amazed by the number of people who text while driving. How do they manage to maintain control of their car without spilling their beer?
I went to a pot bar in Colorado this post weekend It was really a seedy joint.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime? He wanted to have some stage presents.
So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra ...
Once there was a spic who went to the tacular... It was awesome!
What type of weed do lizards smoke? Mariguana.
What is the world famous Chef Gordan's favorite football team? The Ramsays
Did you hear about the Emu that was so big it was kicked out of the flock? Yeah, I heard it was ostrich-sized. (Credit to my Veterinary Student girlfriend)
Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and  got brain-washed.
What do you call an aging chef with an unfaithful wife? A cookold.
What do you get when you fuck a circus performer? Cirque Du So-Laid
Placing my signature wherever i go. Because, signature move!
How does a American mom know her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son's cock
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
What didn't Adam and Eve have that  everyone else has? Parents.
Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age? A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"
Do you know the difference between 5 minutes of blowjob and 5 minutes of sodomy ? Do you have 10 minutes ?
Why is Hillary Clinton unfit to be president? Because she doesn't go to the gym
Star Wars Spoilers Woosh Woosh Pewpew Pew Pew
I started this new whiskey diet. I've lost 4 days already!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth
I'll do anything to prove I'm not lazy. I'll go the whole three yards.
A guide to procrastination... I'll tell you later...
Why did the skeleton knew that it was going to rain? He read the weather forecast, Idiot (Wow didnt see that coming did you *wink*)
My daughter's boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I'll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My bread factory burned down. Now my business is toast.
How do hispanics cut a pizza? Little Caesars
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes?!?
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say? "Darling could you tell me about your work."
How do you know when... ... a blonde has been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen. How do you know when a brunette used the computer after a blonde? There's writing on the white-out.
A nun is put to death by a firing squad.... She lived and died holey.
How to you piss off a writer? The list off ways is to long too fit hear.
Two redditors walk into a bar, you won't believe what happens next! Seriously. I knew you'd click it.
A termite walks into a bar and asks... ... Where's the bar tender?
I'm not saying farts smell good or anything, but I have found a few to be "delightfully disgusting ".
A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."
My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I'm pretty sure the cashier thinks I'm making a girlfriend.
When a friend is about to hand me her baby, I deliberately drop my phone while yelling "DAMN SO CLUMSY!" and wait as she changes her mind.
What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large!
Bad pickup line: those jeans look very becoming on you, Then again, if I were on you I'd be coming too
Did you hear how the scarecrow got his promotion?
If you've never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you're not me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in months... We're not having any problems, I just don't want to interrupt her.
I would have been a stripper... ...but I just couldn't pull it off. Follow the format; go!
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
If you can't find the source of a quote, attribute it to Kurt Vonnegut, Einstein, Dorothy Parker, or H. L. Mencken and move on.
NyQuil before beer, nothing to fear. Beer before Nyquil, never been a 30-foot panda on the French Riviera selling kites to angry trees.
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
*taps on your head* "Is this think on?"
The Mistaken Hiker
What happens to eskimos who sit on the ice too long? Polaroids! I'm so bored...
I would imagine that Super Bowl 50 will be one L of a game. If you're British.
What's the difference between a beggar and a US Politician? A beggar has retained his integrity.
Which of these jokes do the pigs like best?  The corniest ones.
I heard about Buddhist monks who lit themselves on fire to protest prosucution Certainly one way to reach enlightenment
Her: You're a pathological liar! Me: ...and the King of Spain.
my girfriend ask me ,"what about date" i say "the rate of dates are so high in the market". sorry....
What do you call an intense love of math? Calculust.
A man from Alabama walked into a French hospital. He was in pain.
What did the Hammerhead shark say to his buddies when he got laid? Nailed it.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
A chemistry lab is a lot like a party... Some people drop acid while others drop the base.
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The Air Force, because its US AF.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. "Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy" she replied. So I bought her a pet mosquito.
They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
So a man had his eye lids burned off in a fire and the doctors used a new procedure to replace them with his foreskin He came out just fine besides being a little cockeyed.
What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
How do you call for a bath? With a Teletubbie.
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Abyssinia ! Abyssinia who ? Abyssinia when I get back !
A programmer walks into a bar. Barman ask him if he wants "beer or whiskey", he responded "yes"
"We want people to wake up, but also want to kill themselves." - Alarm Clock Sound Engineers
What do you call a doctor that graduated at the bottom of their class? Doctor.
Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who's hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.
What the best way to cut down a tree? A Suhhh Dude
Old milk is just like cold milk Except you didn't c what you were getting into.
*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Q: What changes would occur in your  lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Why did the football team take the short bus to the game? They needed more downs.
What is the difference between pink and purple? The grip.
So, I finally hacked the Area 51 and copied all their files and posted them online at... [deleted]
With four days left until the end of the world... I should really try to get better at subtraction.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
*strips naked* "Magic mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
There's this Joke about North Korea but they won't let me post it.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? "Looks like rein dear"
The asterisk was invented by someone seeing a cat's butt and thinking that it would make a great punctuation mark. It was almost a catastrophe.
I hope the last season of "Lost" will finally reveal if Jar Jar Binks wears boxers or briefs.
What do you get if you run in front of a car? A: Tired Bonus Follow-up Joke! Q: What do you get when you run behind a car? A: Exhausted
Pain and Sorry by Anne Guish
I don't always use complete sentences But when I do
Two men walk into a bar.... ...the third one sees this and ducks.
I also do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate? He claimed 47% of America as dependents.
What do you call a skeleton with blonde hair in a closet? Last year's winner of the blonde "hide and go seek" contest
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
"Putin's Assassination Attempt On Bob Costas Fails, Matt Lauer Next Target" (Faux Onion headline. Follow on twitter @gizopizo)
Trump protester: it's impossible to round up 11 million people and ship them somewhere. Trump supporter: why are you denying the Holocaust
I was walking along and I saw a guy fall into a nest of mosquitoes... ...it was malarious!
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
"I OBJECT!" the defendant screams in court. The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, "No...you human."
Did you hear about the guy who wears as many watches as he can, while trying to collect every type? He has way too much time on his hands.
Need help getting these blackheads off my face How do I politely ask these nice African American gentleman to take turns ?
What's the difference between a colostomy bag and Donald Trump? A colostomy bag gets emptied once in a while where Trump is always full of shit.
The comment threads on YouTube are the trailer parks of the Internet.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn't even know what year it is.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? (a little nsfw) I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass!
Kid pulls prank on teachers seat with glue. Teacher dies due to... Asphyxiation.
My cat yells at me like she's my mother.
What do you call a pair of twins who live together? "Womb-mates"
So I accidentally called my teacher 'mommy' yesterday... Now she knows exactly what kind of porn I'm into.
What online payment service does the Pope use? Papal.
*opens up a Forever 20 store next to Forever 21*
Whats the hardest part about eating vegetables? The wheelchair
Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on?  He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.
Castel Gandolfo?? What's the first rule for the ex-Pope after his divestment at Castel Gandolfo? "You shall not MASS!!"
Dark humor? Is slightly darker humor acceptable for this sub? Just wondering...
I need a man, not a boy. They will have much more structurally sound ideas for me to bypass the lava floor and make it to the blanket fort.
How do you make a glow worm happy ? Cut off his tail he'll be de-lighted !
[Programming] Stupid Bugs... 99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. Take one down, pass it around, 127 bugs in the code. Credit: Benetha619, who donated $5.00 during SethBling's stream today.
Confucius says: good to meet girl in park But better to park meat in girl
Why are pirates, pirates? They just *arrrrrrrrr*.
Hell yeah I'm a catholic i've been addicted to cats my whole life
why do pedophiles make good employers? they don't mind if you're a little behind.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
What's the best pokemon in pokemon go? It's Victreebel if you go to a gym you will always get a victory with it.
I wonder why people think Jesus is coming back... I mean, he wasn't nailed to a boomerang.
parents: okay we will be home at 11 o'clock! clock: 11:01 me: they're dead i'm alone i need to start my orphan life now
Why does Donald Trump hate China? They came up with building a wall before he did.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions.
What did Jay-Z call Beyonce after they got engaged? Fiancee.
What do you call a French bathroom with a bomb in it? Linoleum Blownapart
What do a fretless bass and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does.
If Donald trump takes over the presidency after Obama I guess you could say orange really is the new black
How to fix something: -Say "let's have a look" -Describe the brokenness -Break it a bit more -Say "nah it's broken" -Place hands on hips
"Can I watch you open it?" -Weird UPS guy
Stupid cats stealing all our women.
Short joke about the computer-era generation A mother asks her son: "What do you write at the end of a sentence" "Mmmmh.... a .com?"
Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
COP: Know why I stopped you? MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh? COP: You're using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Who's the biggest player in the Hundred Acre Wood? Eeyore, he's always chasing that tail.
I bought a Chris Brown's greatest hits album. It was just a bunch of Rihanna songs.
Iron man is actually Fe male. don't dislike it if you don't get it
*Meeting GF parents* What are your intentions with our daughter? Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My dog kept chasing people on a bike.. It got so bad, finally I had to take it away from him..
What does the nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.
I call my glasses... I call my glasses congress because they are old and crooked.
I was caught after ditching a cab without paying... I was charged with Taxi Evasion.
I heard a man at the beach yelling "I can't swim!" Well, I can't play the fucking Piano but am I bitching about it? Attention Whore...
Met this Muslim chick at the bar and she told me to add her as a friend on Eyebook.
Whats the difference between a park bench and an artist? A park bench can support a family of four.
My dad told me we were going to Finger Lakes as a family. I asked him, "Who's Lakes?"
Why was the priest also an imam? Double the prophet.
What does an approximately normal statistician eat for lunch? A large CLT
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they'll mace and taser you. In that order.
so i wanted to know what was small and cheep my dad in the middle of dinner says asian hookers
What's the difference between a horse and a 13 year old boy? The horse knows when I'm grooming him.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
Woo! Let's get this weekend started! *Starts doing laundry*
Jesus, his disciples, Adolf Hitler and a group of Schutzstaffel walk into an empty bar... The bartender says, "Man, this is great for business!"
What's the best part about dating twenty two year olds? There are 20 of them.
A recent study of blue-collar workers showed that what they love best about their jobs is their days off.
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we'll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[first date] HER: I really like you ME: I like you too HER: So did you bring protection? ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? An Italian mother says "If you don't eat it I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says "If you don't eat it I'll kill myself."
I went to South America and bought some frozen peppers. Chile's chilly chilis
Why doesn't that NSA informant just come back to USA? Because he's snowed in.
Some people are like Slinkies... Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
After all these years, I can tell my wife still cares for me... Whenever she has an orgasm, she calls to let me know.
Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
What do young ghosts write their homework in?  Exorcise books.
Text 'ANYTHING' to 'Any Number' to donate $5 to your service provider if you have no texting plan.
chinaman goes to see the eye doctor so a chinaman goes to see and eye doctor, having problems seeing. doctor says "ah i see the problem, youve got a cataract" chinaman says "no i drive a rincorn"
whats red and bangs on the window? A baby in the microwave
I wish my lawn were a depressed emo so it would just cut itself.
Woman's Rights
If a boy touches your... Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Daughter: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"
Hey girl is your dad a terrorist cause...oh your dad works for Al-Qaeda? No, wait this is a pickup line. I'm sorry please don't cry.
Sirs & Ma'ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn't just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
"IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!" I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
What's Isis' favorite race? The 100-meter daesh. Q: What's Isis' favorite punctuation mark? A: The em-daesh. Q: How much cinnamon does the Isis recipe for gingersnaps call for? A: Just a daesh.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar ? A sourpuss !
"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?" Allahu Akbar, honey.
Did you know NASA 30 years ago made a new space drink? Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
This is marketing!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE-SbJbl2co
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds no wait - 14 seconds no wait......
I saw an ad on craigslist for a mama sheep, a ram, and a cat fetus all for sale for only five dollars. I said to myself, "Ewe goat to-be kitten!"
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.
The problem with being an alcoholic time traveller is not being able to remember a single thing about tomorrow.
First monster: That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me. Second monster: Well you'd better roll them back to her she might need them.
Why are burglars such good tennis players ? Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
What does a gay Kraken eat? *Seamen*
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why are there no female serial killers ?? Because after the first kill, they have to tell someone.
No, they're not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. :) *later to thugs* They know too much.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? Last night I didn't pay 20 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him? Nothing, he just let out a little wiiiine.
I'm rubber, you're glue. He's scissors, she's a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
What sound does a cow make? "Moooo" Good, a duck? "Quack" Good, how about a seal? "My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy
What do you call two breath mints that were turned into humans by a scientist? Ex-pair-a-mints.
I'm gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I like my coffee how I like my slaves free
Why is Rose sad? Because there is no Jack in iPhone 7.
I get carried away sometimes. Because I refuse to leave.
Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.
What's the difference between myxomatosis and Hugh Hefner? Myxomatosis doesn't need Viagra to fuck bunnies.
My favorite Spice Girl was Coriander Connie. (She was crushed by a falling air conditioner before their first album came out)
Am I a bad person of I am skeptical of a guy with a "Need Help - God Bless" sign on an iPad 2?
I always set my alarm to 9:11 So I *never forget* to *wake up*.
There are three types of people I hate Niggers, racists, and hypocrites
No matter how kind you are... ...German children will always be kinder. Edit: Since you guys seem to like German jokes so much.
What do Hitler and Oprah have in common? Neither could finish a race
What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus? on a cactus, the pricks are on the outside
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration
Jack and Jill went up a hill each with a buck and a quarter.. Jill came down with two fifty.. That fucking whore. ( The Dice Man )
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
Two elephants are in a bath tub One asks the other "Pass the soap". The other one replies, "No soap, Radio!"
I walked into a family bathroom today at the movies... I identify as a family.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Let's make a snowman!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this isn't going to be an ordinary blowjob!"
When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.
So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I'm over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.
People fear what they don't understand: Change Death 4th grade math word problems
A team of scientists have invented a pill for sufferers of Alzheimer's to take daily. They didn't think that through did they?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
When someone yawns, I like to yell "Surprise Dentist!" and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I'm not really a dentist.
Three elephants jump off a cliff, two land on the beach, one in the ocean... ba-dum tshh
Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
What's the difference between a dog and Windows 10? A dog knows what is 'no'.
What's the best part about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag's a plus.
Headphone....... A man was on a plane when a stewardess approached him and said, "Would you like some headphones?" To which the man replied, "Yes I would, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
The Nationwide commercial didn't make me feel anything but I once dropped my chicken nuggets and cried for an hour and forty minutes.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back Luckily I was the one facing the TV
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I'd still stay with them.
What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant
What do giraffes and humans share the same number of? Testicles.
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors? If they had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.
God I hate hidden microphones They bug me so much!
What did the car dealer ask the oscilloscope? sin or cosine?
What did little Suzy spy with her little eye? A cataract.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
I went to a party with a group of pacifists the other night. It was pretty killer.
I work for the world's biggest NanoTechnology company We're not very good
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work!
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn't know what to do... What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Yo mama house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest will blow you
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Many think it be 'r' but in fact it be the 'c'
What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? A boy scout comes home from camp
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Have you heard the latest joke about statisticians? Probably.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he'll spare my life.
Just got the new Windows... ... such a pane
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house
What do Superman and Bloods have in common? They're both getting killed by a Kryptonite.
When someone asks for one of my french fries, I react like the majestic cheetah by snarling and taking my food to the top of a tree.
Saw a man at Target with a foot-long ponytail. Didn't know what to do so I pulled the fire alarm.
What did Johann Sebastian Bach do when someone steam-rolled his organ? He played a flat baroque piece!
Why do they call it P.M.S.? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I hate when I'm spying on someone while they're showering and they let out a huge fart. What a sicko.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say "furbenglurbrn."
What do you call a high-priced barber shop? A clip joint.
Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued? I'll tweet it tomorrow.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowy forest? You look for his fresh prints. (  )
I can see 4 years into the future 20/20 Vision
Before I go to bed, I like to take a bath and than listen to Single Ladies. Its my own Bed, Bath and Beyonce.
A gay guy wants a tattoo of truck on his penis... Tattoo artist asks "What kind of truck do you want on it?" Gay guy says "It better be a 4x4 cause it's going to get muddy."
What do you call an Asian who acts like he is black? A ripe bananna
Having sex with a redditor is like reading the user license agreement. Nobody ever does it.
How did Sigmund Freud die? He slipped
Better than a Justin Bieber concert: 1. Being deaf. 2. A rattlesnake bite. 3. Chewing razor blades. 4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot. Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look. H: ...
Christmas Chimney Congestion Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?A: He only comes once a year -- and when he does, it's down a chimney.
*calls restaurant* Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant? Host: Of course it is sir *hangs up*
DATING IN THE 1800s 1) Get telegram from Mae 2) Wait to respond. Don't be desperate 3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
If you have to ask if it's too early to drink...you're an amateur & we can't be friends
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
Have you heard about the two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
I have a sore throat, a sinus headache, a paper cut, and I miss my kitties. No one has suffered as much as I have on a Friday.
What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a washing machine? When you drop a load in a washing machine it doesn't text you every hour for a week.
Please may I have a new bum? Mines got a crack in it
Why did the zombie start ripping up sheet music? Because he was de-composing.
Yo mama so stupid she went to Shop Rite And shopped wrong
A Roman gladiator walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"
What is the difference between a rooster and a Hooker? A rooster says "cock-a-doodle-do" and a Hooker says "any cock will do."
Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt* Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?
I need to pluck my eyebrows before they cast Eugene Levy to play me in the movie of my life.
It doesn't make any sense for ugly girls to play hard to get. You're already playing hard to want.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A washing machine won't follow you around after you dump your load in it.
Guy 1: "Fuckin A, man" Guy 2: "Fuck a B, it has more holes."
What do you call the man with a lisp who drowned? A philosopher. Cuz he's a deep thinker.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance
Wear green for St Patty's Day! You don't wanna get punched! -You mean pinched [flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier] It's pinched?
Woman's world cup- USA vs JAPAN who gives a fuck...
What did one drug dealer tell another on the street corner after hearing of Amy Winehouse's death? Damn, I'm gonna go bankrupt.
What's the opposite of a Hasidic Jew? A Hbasic one.
I'm a Chemical Engineer and I have some good Chemistry jokes. ... but I never get a good reaction.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
DEFENSE! DEFENSE! Defense: I have a boyfriend
What do you call four mexicans in quick sand? Quatro, cinco.
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She's been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.
What do you call a soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas? A seasoned veteran
Hey, Cap'n Crunch. You've been a captain since 1963. Dude, I don't think admiral is happening for you.
My wife says I have a short attention spanish is a beautiful language isn't it?
I told my boyfriend that I felt like I had been forgetting a lot of things lately. He said, "because I've been fucking your brains out." I've never laughed so hard.
Robin Thicke. I wonder if his name applies to his Penis. Wonder if i can also call myself Willy Enormous. But mine will be obvious
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.
Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives.
How do you know if someone has been to Florida? They'll tell you.
Did you hear about the football team who ate  too much pudding? They got jellygated!
MUST HAVE BEFORE WATCHING THE CONJURING : - Bible - iBible iPhone app - Holy Water - Priest - Jesus - 5 Jesus necklaces - Holy Spirt
Jokes about being drunk on Twitter are redundant. Maintaining a Twitter account automatically implies that you're drinking on some level.
Being rich seems convenient.
I have learned to accept that my parents are "Santa," but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Why do lesbians go to Sports Authority? Because they're afraid of Dicks!
Heat or cold Which one travels faster, heat or cold? Heat, because you can catch a cold.
Did you hear about the new movie about the Nazi with a speech impediment? Schindler's Lisp
Ebola Plague The CDC has confirmed that the recent Ebola outbreak is now the second disease in history to be known as the "black death".
What is the most pirated movie ever? Arrrrrrrgo
Why did the cannibal refuse to eat the police officer? It was a jewish cannibal.
All you people who chose "The Real" or "Official" before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.
What is the difference between a Ferrari and 4 dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
I hate when interviewers ask "why do you want this job?" So many responses run through my head, but I don't want to sound unprofessional by saying "because I need the fucking money."
Apparently skinny girls are no longer to be called anorexic. They prefer "trans-fat"
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to  "iron" then we could do without the ironing lady.  Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
Two peanuts were walking down the street One was a salted.
Hey, look over there, is that a bobble head doll of Donald Trump? No, that's Donald Trump
Did you hear about the pig's vacation? They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up  as bears and raided all the garbage cans.
A pirate walks into a bar... With his ship's steering wheel on his dick. The bartender asks, "Whats with the wheel on your john?" the pirate replied, "Arrg it's driving me nuts!"
It's not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE? One's mad cow disease the other's an agricultural problem.
My wife told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt So I punched her in the face and fucked her twice. Har har har
Have you heard about the girl with a hereditary disease that gives her diarrhea? It runs in her jeans.
What does a nosey pepper do? Get Jalapeno business.
What religion do Saudi Arabian cows follow? Mooslim
Sieved flour to rule them all A pinch of salt to grind them Cup of milk, then mix them all add an egg to bind them -Lord of the Onion Rings
So an elf walked into a bar... The hobbit laughed and walked under it.
A dorito asks the doctor whether or not he's done the DNA test to his son yet.... The doctor responds, "Yes, I'm afraid he's NACHO son."
Want to hear a joke about time travel? I'll tell you yesterday.
What's Princess Leia's first name? Comoniwanna.
Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.
Feminists: Look on the bright side... There will be more women in the White House than ever!
Why does Tiger Woods carry 2 blow-up sex dolls with him at all times? Incase he gets a hole in one.
If Arnold Schwarzenegger was a composer which would he be? He'd be Bach
I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug"
Out of 10 puns chosen at random, how many actually made people laugh? No pun in ten did.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That's the problem w/commercials! They're not long enough!
I was trying to chose a password for my email, but I was not able to... I had chosen BrazilianDefense, but apparently it was too weak.
I came up with a new joke I invented a new word: Plagarism
What did batman say too robin before they got in the car? Get in the car.
When my wife starts to sing .. I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
Who do you ask about Donald Trump's stamina? His daughter.
Stand Up Comedy! (You add to other people's jokes in the comments) One guy comments about a joke below, and everybody else will add on to the joke or just relate to it in a comical way. Have fun !
What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill? Walking. ... JK Rolling.
Tampons What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing they're both stuck up cunts.
How to catch a polar bear: 1) Cut a hole in the ice. 2) Carefully place peas in a circle around the hole. 3) Hide and wait. 4) When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.
At a recent meeting at the Vatican the pope joked "I've never seen so many priests in one room" I guess he's never been to a kids party then
At the library: Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees. Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table) Keep the change
I asked my gay friend if he'd like to smoke a fag (cigar) with me He got all upset and said I was really homophonic
I have good news and bad news I've found a sock...
Porn: It's a load of bollocks.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he is not a full essay.
Technology has made it so much easier to complain about technology.
Stop it guys, there's no such thing as Canadian English. We just say "free healthcare" more and "supersized" less.
My father died on 9/11, I will never forget his last words Allahu Akbar. [Do keep in mind that this is not my joke, I just want to spread laughs]
[going thru airport security] "Please turn your laptop on" *I start to stroke it's audio input* "That's not what I-' Me: No no it likes this
Punishment Not talking to your husband to punish him is like trying to kill a fish by drowning!
I'm going to make end of the world jokes... ... Like there's no tomorrow
If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, I think you should be brave enough to ask that girl out.
Sobering fact: Humans share over 99% of our DNA with clowns
What's long, hard, and has cum in it? A cucumber.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism. Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it's not very cute in the morning.
I have this idea tell me what you think? I say that we start the NBDBL (National blind dodge ball league) and then televise it. What are your thoughts on this?
Coworkers What's the difference between a brown nose and a shit head? Depth perception.
Anybody heard the joke about the wall? ...Can't tell you anyway because you wouldn't get over it.
I must be a geologist I keep finding a new rock bottom.
How do you comfort a Grammar Nazi? There, their, they're
Why don't black people sleep well? Because we killed the only one with a dream
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Ice Bank Mice Elf (repeat this 10 times fast)
I like what you did with your hair How'd you get it to stick out of your nose like that?
Ever have to pee SO bad that you're surprised that what comes out isn't mostly blood?
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.
Yo mama's so fat... when she stood on the scales, they said "To be continued."
What do Naturopathic doctors use to keep up with their finances? Quackbooks!
Dear White People, Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from 'Frozen'!
Why do ants get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
This goes with this goes with this goes with this goes with this goes with this goes with ... It`s two lepers getting themselves back together after some aggressive sex.
Did you here about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
What's the difference between reading the Bible and talking shit? None.
just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway
Lady Gaga is set to launch her first fragrance in 2012. It will be called "Eau I left the toilet seat up".
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
What's the key to a good joke? .....................................Timing.
The 3 seasons of Texas! Summer, cold summer, &amp; Football.
"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver. "Is it his shield?" I asked.
Why did the number of parking tickets spike after Persephone was carried off to the underworld? Because Demeter stopped working.
I'm offended by the phrase "Blood Drive." I think it's too violent; they should rename it "Plasma-thon."
I went to a whorehouse the other day... The sign outside said "We're closed so beat it"
"You want me to copy AND paste a link? I am not made of time, good sir!" Humanity, 2011
What can be said about a rich man who doesn't carry change with him? He's got more money than cents
i still play that game where the floor is lava but now i just lie on the couch and watch tv until it cools into igneous rock
Was just reading a new book with a great female hero And I can say I'm addicted to this heroine.
Sex is like Maths: You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.
I masturbated when the clock struck 12 tonight It was the stroke of midnight
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
what do you call a bunny in a kilt? a hopscotch
What did the zero say to the eight? "Nice belt, fuckface."
I once threw an abstinence party... And no one came. Edit: grammar.
at library ME: This book wasn't helpful at all! LIBRARIAN: Why? What's the problem? BIRD: [mockingly] "Why? What's the problem?"
Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance
Q: What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses back over? A: A dirty double crosser.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread? 16: yep Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread. 16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude's been doing to his hair.
Dragon. Knock Knock? Who's there? Dragon. Dragon who? I was dragon my balls across your mom's face last night.
I'm going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I'm a freak but not that talented
What do you call a mother who is overweight and poor? Beef on WIC
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
What did the squirrel say when he looked up the woman's dress? What a Cunt, got no Nuts.
Rules Rule #1: There are no rules! Rule #2: Rule #1 is a lie! There are ALL THE RULES!
How many handicapped guys does it take to change a light bulb? Just one if it's Professor X.
How much power does it take to move a tank? A horse
Things I Suck At: 1. straws, ha ha jk lol 2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I'm really terrible at this 3. straws, haha same joke as before
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common? It's okay to smell it, but if you eat it you're gonna get fired.
What does a colonial space marine and Europe have in common? They are both xenophobic!
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gag.
knock knock "Who's there?" "KGB." "KGB wh--" [slap recipient of the joke] "Vee vill ask za questions!"
Once, a bucket of Sodium Hydroxide slipped out of Skrillex's hands. He dropped the base.
I've given up sexual innuendo for Lent... so far it's been pretty hard.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went... ...then it dawned on me.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro's grave.. Must be a communist plot.
Even though she's not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't gonna come.
What do you call an ISIS member who loves himself? A nISISist
for several hours a day, we are just an arrow floating on a screen
Why didn't the mathematician want to go to the beach? He didn't want people to see his tan lines.
Here's a joke just for reddit: How many narwhals does it take to screw in a light bulb? Bacon
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
Do you know what a lot is? Two words.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife's foot is "I'm sorry" not "I guess that means no sex tonight"
36 - 24 - 36 - 24 - 36 - 24 - 36 - 24 - 36? Haha. Only if she's a giant caterpillar.
My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.
What do you call an engineer who looks at other people's shoes when walking? Extroverted
what did sam smith say to the popped balloon "you've been so uninflatable..."
I have a "Knock Knock" joke but you have to start it off.
A textile worker tried to come up with a new original joke. But they ran out of material.
How awesome would it be to come home & find Bruce Springsteen sitting on your toilet?
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
What's The Difference Between Santa and a Muslim? Santa will be able to enter the united states next year!
I was driving earlier and a guy pulled out right in front of me... Those idiots could have caused a crash!
I bet "jerk chicken" is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
What is the best music to air drum to while driving? Def Leppard, because you can keep on hand on the wheel.
i'm trying to lose weight so i ordered a salad and i immediately got annoyed thinking about the salad i would have to eat.
People used to laugh at me when.... I said "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
If flies fly after flies flies fly fucking fast It's better in Dutch: &gt; Als vliegen achter vliegen vliegen vliegen vliegen vliegensvlug
Sure, your app can send me push notifications. Just give me your home number so I can call you to let you know I got them.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open* "HOLY COW, I'M STRONGER THAN MYSELF"
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
[genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me
What's a dentist's favorite time of day? Tooth-hurty I'll show myself out
My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat
Trust me, it might sound like a clever idea, but if you're being frisked by a hot TSA agent, do NOT tell her, "my balls are the bomb."
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
Where do ants go to eat ? At a restaurant !
Just watching 50 Shades of Gray with my dad
What happened to the american man who broke his leg? He went... broke.
Why did the witch have to move out of her gingerbread house? The property taxes were gastronomical.
Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour. Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.
My nipples are sore but I know I don't have a baby in the oven because I took the baby out when I had to put the pot roast in.
What do you call a German outkast? Hey, ja!
Why did the condom suddenly go flying across the room? Because he was pissed off.
My mom is the queen of cheesy jokes and her favorite: " what do you call a deer with no eyes?" " no idear"
Mrs. Claus must be pretty dissatisfied. After all, he only comes once a year.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you've killed some people.
Why did the square breakup with the circle? She wasn't edgy enough!
Why was Lisa not able to ride a bike? She was a cat.
Life is beautiful but I prefer boobs
Why do they call it a traffic jam? Because no one's jelly
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
My favorite clean joke: What do you do when you stub your toe? Call a toe truck.
My class has a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory All the other kids are excited, but I am just praying that there's no pop quiz.
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
What is jon snow's favourite slang? IDK
Smoking is actually a good thing for me Look how often I have to go outside into the fresh air
"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer." Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.
Doctor... Doctor, impotence takes you suddenly? - No, first it lets you look like a fool about 2-3 times ...
I've been struggling with my laziness. I can't decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Bathrooms without noisy ventilation fans make me feel unsafe
What do you call a women with one leg? Aileen Unless she's Asian, then you call her Irene.
My mom keeps walking in everytime I watch porn. I'm just glad she doesn't know I'm watching it.
I have a superiority complex It's literally my ONLY flaw.
Tried to hit on a girl whom I thought was married. A miss
What's the most encouraging calisthenic? Chin-ups!
Me: Put on your seatbelt. 13: Do I have to? Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield 13: cool Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
what do exorcists and alcoholics have in common? They both treat their demons with spirits!
How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one?
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[Job interview] Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn't notice the mustard on my shirt Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Why are frogs no good at websurfing? Computers have them toad-ily confused.
As a Canadian I like to go clubbing; but if theres no seals around...
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me." You reply with "That's the point."
Did you hear about Ku Klux Knievel? He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steam roller.
The worst marketing blunder in history was not putting cassette decks in cell phones.
You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago
What does Rob Schneider say when he visits Canada? Yukon do it!
Did you hear about the uncircumcised volcano? It was covered in smagma.
According to the bible, women's first mistake was listening to the devil. Man's first mistake was listening to the woman.
Why DID David Cameron fuck a dead pig, anyway? The live ones wouldn't hold still.
[date started at 9 pm] [9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences. [10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland's best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? the location of the dirt bag!
Two girls sitting quietly together.
I like my women like my salad Undressed
What did the pig say when it found a fly in its soup? "Yum Yum."
Skrillex! It's your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you've been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike... Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
At this point, History Channel, you might as well just take that final step and change your name to Speculation Television.
[on a plane] Stewardess: "Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff" Me: "Sure, can I have two?" *puts one in each ear*
Why did the soda can quit its job at the vending machine? It was soda pressing.
A woman brings her items to the resister A woman brings five chocolate bars, a tub of ice cream, and some pregnancy tests to the counter Cashier: "Ma'am, I don't think you need those pregnancy tests"
WHAT DO WE WANT? License and registration, please. WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Just finished my Sexual Violence Prevention and Awareness Training. It was very informative and I feel much safer. Plus I totally raped the quiz at the end, 100%.
Why did the dictator's plane crash? It was stallin'
Me: *passes out pizza* 3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2 Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices* 3: wow, thank you
My new years resolution is 3840 X 2160 because I recently bought a 4K monitor.
Innuendos? I like to slip one in every now and again.
What's the last thing a Tickle-Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory? Two test-tickles!
Being irrational is as easy as Pi.
Pretty cool how your dreams went from "Astronaut" or "Doctor" to "What's the lowest I can get to pass this course"
Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween; I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.
A math teacher invented something. A math teacher invented the worlds first underwater bulldozer. He called it his 'Sub-tractor.'
A man takes his wife to the disco... https://anchor.fm/w/989B00
"and this lake shall be called Superior" all the other Great Lakes: "k wow we're like right here"
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it's 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Why are sea sponges good at statistics? They understand coralations!
Why are Aspirins and Paracetamol white? Well, you want them to work, don't you?
Me: Why doesn't he love me? Nachos: Eat more of me and find out! Me: *Chewing* So? Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
What's square-shaped and yellow? A yellow box
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Son asks his father... Son: Dad, how do you feel about abortion? Dad: Ask your brother. Son: But I don't have a brother. Dad: Exactly.
Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday? Because they like to pumpkin. I'll see myself out...
What happened when Steve Irwin forgot to put on sunscreen? He got hurt from harmful rays
What happens to a politician when he takes a Viagra? He gets taller.
Man goes to the doctor because he believes he might have hemorrhoids He did and it was rather uncomfortable
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I'd just put my hoodie on backwards
How to run faster: 1. Drink a lot of water 2. Wait till u have to pee 3. Start running You're welcome
My drug dealer is so funny Always cracks me up
Playing 8-person smash was one of the deepest and most thought provoking experiences I've ever had... I spent the whole time trying to find myself
How do you tell the difference between a factory worker, and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'
Stare at the waitress's boobs when you tell her you want "everything" on your sandwich. Ya never know...
Bill O'Reilly What a fucking joke
Sarah Palin and Donald Trump served PB&amp;J sandwiches at his last political rally because if you go to one of those, you're not allergic to nuts
Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
I am man. Hear me ask my wife for permission to roar.
 I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me She said no both times.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on "Pitch Perfect" then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don't know what's real anymore
My friend asked me "what's worse, ignorance or apathy?" I replied, "I don't know and I don't care".
Someone said my clothes were gay I said "yeah they came out of the closet this morning"
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn't followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn't that bad.
Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
Why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because theyre really good at it!
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy's hat sideways.
What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake? It's not my fault.
How do you get a kleenex to dance? You put a little boogie in it
If you don't get the joke look it up. Your mother was a hamster and your smelt of elderberries!
What did the sadist do to the masochist? nothing.
A man goes to the doctor He says, "Doc, I got a problem. I take a huge shit every morning at 8." The doctor asks, "How is that a problem?" The man says, "I don't wake up until 10:30."
What do you call someone who likes speed? Racist.
Why did Bill Gates get sick? Because he left the Windows open.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
There's an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn't just hard it's impossible.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
While having an all-out war with underwater warships, I accidentally hit one of my teammates. Oops wrong sub.
Rosetta Stone is the fastest way to learn how to pronounce the names of Ikea products.
Jail is just college for people who work at fast food restaurants.
I generally don't trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for?? A Boo Meringue
My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.
How do you have phone sex over a telegraph line? Oh baby, don't stop. STOP.
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Finn are on an island The Norwegian shoots the other two.
The fact that Americans eat cookie dough and cake batter shows that we can't even wait until it's done cooking anymore.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
"Stop calling me your roommate. I'm your husband and the father of your children." -My Roommate
What do you call a Mexican that lives in Maine? an L.L.Beaner
The word of the day is legs... Spread the word!
How come arabs are not circumcised? So they have some place to keep their gum safe during a sand storm.
I'm pretty sure that spiders have figured out that I'm terrified of them, and have created a game to see who can make me flip out the most.
Did you hear about the tragedy in France? I was very confused reading headlines saying, "Nice attack, 78 dead".
When someone gets playfully thrown into a swimming pool on TV, all I can do is worry if they have their cell phone in their pocket.
I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this: "Can you please stop listening to our conversation?"
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like "whatever Jesus, the book was better."
Could you play us a song? Cat Stevens: Maybe. *Sets guitar on table* Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Twitter can be like talking to crazy homeless people through protective glass.
Alzheimer Joke (Not sure if repost.)
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes] "im not looking for any trouble" all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I'm years past 'bare & natural'. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you'd need to prep & refinish a wall.
Bill Cosby and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar... tender girl who later reports them to the police for sexual harrasment.
It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Why are math books useless? Because they are full of problems.
McDonalds actually does serve breakfast after 10:30 if u have a gun
What does it take to be a president of Russia? Be a Viktor, then you are Devinitely In
Did you all hear about the chicken that swallowed the yo-yo? Laid the same egg 44 times!
What do Hitler and Terry Fox have in common? Neither can finish a race.
I was so upset when the bathroom was out of toilet paper... I was shitty all day!
How Does Baby Hitler Tie His Shoes? With itty-bitty knotsies
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
What do you call a flannel cat? A Plaid-A-Pus
If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.
I prefer to do my stand up comedy in airports As long as TSA and Homeland Security do their job, there's no way I'd bomb
So a man goes to a restaurant and orders some food.. [OC] Man: "Ugghhh...What the hell is this? There is sand in my paella!!!" Waiter: "Si?"
How do you know when your at a gay barbecue? When all the hot dogs taste like shit.
My friend David lost his ID yesterday... We just call him Dav now
Why is Caitlyn Jenner's stomach bad for you? 'Cause it's full of trans-fat.
superman isn't that special... anyone can stop a speeding bullet... once
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He got a pencil and worked it out.
I met an exercising nun. She was a firm believer.
Why don't bears wear socks? They have bear feet
What did the hippy who has been crashing on your couch for the last 2 weeks say when you asked him to leave?! Am I supposed to say the answer or let y'all guess for a bit?!
What did the redneck say to the Frenchman? You don't speak English fourchette!
I used to date computer programs but that's over now My girlfriend still worries that I may go back but I reply to her "they're just exes "
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch
How do you tell if your friend is gay? Fuck him in the ass. As you're cumming, reach around and feel his cock. It's hard, he's definitely gay.
What did the chicken say ? What did they chicken say to his friends after being sent to the hospital after failing to cross the road ?. Don't worry ill get over it.
"Daddy, do you like princesses?" "Yes." "Why?" "Well usually they have a nice set of ti-" Wife: "Shut it." "I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."
What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of midgets playing chess? The latter is a group of cunning runts.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decided to have a BBQ. The Englishmen brought some meat, the Irishman brought some whiskey and the Scotsman brought some dude from Aberdeen.
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention? A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)
You know what they say, so I won't tell you.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I'm at the airport.
When I was a kid I was full of piss and vinegar... Now I'm just pissin' vinegar.
I wonder how deep North Korean influence runs in america. Anyone could be a sleeper asian
What happened to the man that lost his left arm and left leg His political beliefs are in line with the conservative section of the political spectrum
Why does Naruto vomit after every meal? He's **BULIMIC!**
How do you make Hitler kill himself? Give him his gas bill.
I feel creepy every time I 'follow' someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good
What made me become a baker? I kneaded the dough.
Role playing is fun, but I'm starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.
Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.
What's worse then passing out at a party and getting a penis drawn on your forehead? Finding out that they traced it....
2 interesting facts about me * 1) My dick is not as big as a footlong at Subway * 2) I'm no longer allowed in Subway
Since getting a Kindle, what I miss most about books is tipping them forward on the shelf to open a secret passageway.
what is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
World's most Ridiculous alarm clock http://youtu.be/cHHHpbVJiOE
I went to a prostitute but she charged way too much and only gave me a handjob I guess you could say I didn't get a good bang for my buck.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I'm going to destroy you but it turns out I've got absolutely nothing.
Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage.. It leaves four little pricks.
I love watching hardpore corn It's like watching the birth of an amazing thing we all love- Popcorn! [No Relation](http://www.hardporecorn.com/)
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Being a father completely changed me. I'm one of those motherfuckers now.
Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.
Collection Litter by Phil D Basket
What's the worst part about going to the doctor's and finding out you have diabetes? You don't get a lollipop afterwards :/
I just enlisted my kids into the Navy. Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower.
A man walks in to a bar... And murders all the redditers who have Posted a man walks in to a bar joke. Ouch
What does the twitter bird drink? Twater!
What charity has PETA beat in terms of death rate? The Make a Wish Foundation.
What do the mafia and a women's pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused? Because his daddy was a mummy
I went to a premature ejaculation clinic... ... but there was no one there. Guess I came too early.
"Did you remember to take the dog out?" Ah crap, I forgot [Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas.
As a child I was always taught there is a brain in my skull. Now I can't get it out of my head.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
What is every gamers New Years Resolution? 3840x2160
Why is Abraham Lincoln on the Penny? Because it makes cents (sense).
I think I'm a mushroom Everyone keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullshit.
Handjob contest Beat off the competition
Camo is proper for any occasion. It's good for drinkin' beers, huntin' deers and scarin' queers. Merica.
As a kid, I was always scared of the dentist. He was a pedophile. You wouldn't believe the fillings he gave me.
What is the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve.
It's bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, "Stay in drugs, don't do school" in a serious tone.
Hey do y'all wanna hear a political joke? Donald Trump!
Cops caught me fapping in a park and asked my penis if it wanted to press charges.
Hitler was born on April 20th... cuz he was destined to blaze the jews.
Why does Santa Claus have such a large sack? He only comes once a year.
How do you make a dead baby float? Easy! Just add Root beer and Ice Cream!
me: what's ur favorite thing on the menu waiter: oh definitely the salmon me: oh yes ok i'll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
This line for the bathroom at Starbucks is longer than kim kardashians whole marriage.
I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks "How are you?" Not good, Maria. Clearly.
whats black and sits at the top of the staircase? stephen hawking after a house fire
Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.
If I had a dollar for every time someone used the wrong "they're"... Their wouldn't be enough money on the planet.
I want to apologize to the person who followed me at 2:21am and unfollowed me by 6:45am. It was a wild ride, and I will miss you.
My wife and I used to practice safe sex. Unfortunately they won't let us back in the bank.
*pretends to throw ball* *dog runs to chase it* Ha, stupid dog. *dog keeps running, disappears over horizon* Um *dog tackles me from behind*
So you're looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why that's  .thats brilliant!
Why did Tony the Tiger go to prison? RRRrrrrrrrrrrrape!
LPT: Never trust anyone who says "trust me". Trust me on this.
A sentence and a phrase is arguing, what did the sentence say? I know where you're coming from this phrase, but I can't see your point.
Hitting on women is like doing Parkour.. I can't do Parkour.
If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.
I always wake up my friend by shouting "Hands off cocks! On with socks!" I don't think she likes it.
I wish i had the immune system of an African baby I've heard they only get sick once in their whole lives.
My friend asked me if I've ever paid for sex I've paid dearly: I've got three kids.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[in ambulance] "Sir, do you know your blood type?" "Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red."
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale it  read "one at a time please"
There are two types of people in the world. Those that can find an answer through simple deduction.
I really hope that death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
It only takes a few seconds to express our true feelings. Unfortunately police call it murder.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Technology would be better if you could download sandwiches.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat! My comment: So was the Titanic.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Wait a sec...That's not how the proverb goes! A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. But once it breaks, you have two really strong chains, which, in some ways, is more useful.
NSFW What's your most offensive joke? Here's mine. Q: How do you get a retarded girl to swallow? A: Cum on the window and let nature take its course.
I was walking through the cemetery.. Saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..". He said, "No. Taking a shit."
How do writers send e-mail? On the Inkernet.
How many ears does Spock have? Three. A right ear, a left ear, and a final frontier.
Maybe a funeral isn't the best place to practice my evil laugh
My friend had a funeral for her baby who was killed by a lawnmower... I hope he Rests In Pieces.
tell me tbe "the aristocrats" joke Can someone tell me a good version of the aristocrats joke I'm trying to tell my friend but kinda mutilated it
Yo mama is so black when she went outside the street lights turned on!
Fun Fact: Valentine's Day was created by a woman than didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.
"Remember Robert from work?" Yeah..he was a douche. "He died." WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Why shouldn't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Which sex position makes the ugliest kids? Ask your parents
Chuck Norris can clear 5 lines at once in tetris.
The people who run Reddit are secretly cows, and I can prove it! [remoooved]
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.
Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards.
Parallel Lines have so much in common It's a shame that they'll never meet
What do you call a russian bull? a moscow
Whats the difference between a Russian garbanzo bean and a Russian chickpea? A president has never been blackmailed into treason over a video of him paying to have a Russian garbanzo bean on his face.
If you're appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
My girlfriend text me "lets watch Godzilla"........ I reply "look at the mirror"!
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you're making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY - WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad? It's very naughty
Sometimes I feel like I've traveled back in time, and that I'm not supposed to do anything that screws up a future that I've forgotten.
What does David Bowie do after he gets out of the swimming pool? He ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. (Sorry if repost)
Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.
I went on a scavenger hunt the other day. I shot a vulture.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx
Positive people are less of a person They are missing electrons.
Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection? I dont have a porsche. (Best told by whispering in someones ear.)
Homosexual jokes are not funny Come on guys
I worry a $15 min wage will hurt the long-term viability of my small business where I sell expired milk to people I went to high school with
A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family. He is the seoul breadwinner
Date: Lets break the ice. Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?! D: I mea- PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."I said, "I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn't really be looking."
I don't trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
There's a restaurant in hell. Their food is to die for.
What was Morgan Freeman called before the civil war? Morgan.
What would shakira be singing if she had been data scientist? Tsamina mina eh eh... "Weka Weka" eh eh...
Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs w[ESC]
What happens when you give an Autobot a blowjob? The power goes out.
Trump is single-handedly bringing down America. Actually, I take it back. With hands that small, he'd have to use them both.
What do Foghorn Leghorn and Donald Trump have in common? They're both big racist cocks
A woman marries a man..... A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Hands down the greatest invention of all time... masturbation
Q: Who is always your friend at school? A: Your princi-pal.
can't wait till the robots turn on us as currently my only regret is that I am statistically most likely to be killed by a human
IT'S THE COPS. COME OUT WITH UR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD. "Bring out my bread? NO ABOVE UR HEAD "Hello 911? Ducks are pretending to be cops"
Millionaire Interview Interviewer : Sir, who helped you on becoming a Millionaire? Millionaire : My wife........ I was a billionaire before.
My neighbor's wife asked me if I wanted to help make her husband jealous... I said "sure!" and hung myself in the bedroom closet.
So Helen Keller walks into a bar... And then a table, and then a stool.
Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler? He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I have Then they call me ugly and poor
What did Elsa say to her fans on Reddit? Leddit go
What's red and white, red and white, red and white? Sant rolling off your roof.
churches should have punch cards and if you go ten times you get a free sandwich
Every time I walk into a Wal-Mart I think to myself, " I've never seen so many of God's mistakes all in one place."
I once heard from Stalin that dark humor is like food... Not everybody gets it.
Why are there 2 doors on a chicken coupe? Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
Have you heard about the funny feminist? me neither
You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
I had my work appraisal yesterday. The boss said, "There is no I in team." To which I replied, "But there is a U in cu*t."
What do you call it when a gangster accidentally kills a fellow gang member? Homiecide
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...? Stereotyping.
Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East? They don't want to wear out the camel.
I want to leave this world the way I entered it ... With a woman desperately trying to get me out of her vagina.
"Mother I'd like to fuck" She said "Ok, let's break your arms and get started."
Man I ran so fast from the Italian lesbian, but the dichotomy.
i would like to join whatever weight loss program my wallet is on because its working wonders
I thought I might try my hand at telling a German sausage joke I mean, what's the wurst that could happen?
Full disclosure: all my tweets with less than 3 favs were made by my intern.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll just hang around here.
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Are you a pole vaulter?" "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
My wife and I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went But then it dawned on us.
A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel. But she got tired halfway, and swam back.
My girlfriend told me pissing during sex prevents pregnancy... She was right! She isn't pregnant, just pissed and wet!
It's easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.
Why is it a "12-pack" and not a "jury of your beers"?
I was admitted to hospital suffering a severe case of sexual frustration but after 48 hours I discharged myself.
A guy picks up a prostitute After they're done she says: I feel so loved. You fuck like a god! As they start smoking a cigarette in bed she asks: By the way, why do you have holes in your hands.
What do the French learn in basic training? How to surrender in twenty-seven different languages.
GF's friend didn't keep my Valentine's gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of  4 instead of just me
Congrats to Ohio State, you didn't have the worst performance of the evening... ...Mariah Carey's got your back.
What do you call two British men, searching for a donkey? Assless chaps. Source: http://www.mrlovenstein.com/images/comics/345_daft_for_donkey.png
What do you call a woman who fell off a cliff? Eileen Dover...
What do you call the hair between your grandma's tits? Her pussy.
What type of key gets you into the bathroom the fastest? A dookie
30+ and single? There's an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat.
I've finally achieved my lifelong dream of becoming a stand-up comedian Thank you prosthetic legs!
My dancing style can best be described as "Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn't The Father."
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Because he was scared of a Lil' Wayne.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week! Said by nobody. Ever.
I have an earning disability.
Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn't. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Why are the Irish so rich? Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His hand slipped
I'd like to dedicate this joke to my father, who was a roofer... ...so...dad, if you're up there...
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? mmmmmmy ass!!!!!! neeeheeeeeheeeeheee -Evil Betty
A black man, a Jew and a Hispanic man walk into a lab... ...and do science, because science doesn't discriminate.
Mustard is the most vulgar of the condiments. Pardon my French's.
Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They're cheaper the day after Valentine's Day.
-What should we name this creature w/ big feet? "Bigfoot" -And this w/ saber teeth? "Sabertooth" -And this beaverduck? "Platypus" -wtf dude
What's it called when a super model wants to date an accountant? Wishful thinking. Obviously
Oh your baby's name is Walter? Is he close to retirement?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Why did the oak tree get his girlfriend pregnant? Because the state abolished plant parenthood
[NSFW] What's brown and rhymes with snoop Dr. Dre
Coworker: Man, it's brutally cold outside! Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.
Why did the tortoise get arrested? Because he got there before the hare.
What do you call a Canadian Muslim? A Mooselim!!
It turns out I have my shirt on backwards and I'm wearing two different socks. I apologize for being so flamboyant with my heterosexuality.
Why did the student fail the exam? Spent too much time figuring out the Engels, so he didnt get the Marx.... thats what he gets for Stalin
I'm just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it's been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My local newspaper was holding a contest... For the best puns last week so I submitted ten, sure that at least one would win a prize, but no pun in ten did.
Congress If CON is the opposite of PRO, is congress the opposite of progress?
me: "leave the door ajar on your way out" jam salesman: [visibly confused]
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point. She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Siamese Twins Barbie ...complete with surgical instruments
If I ever start with 'this one time I went jogging.....' I am not telling the truth.
What do you call an atheist who no longer worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster? A-pasta-ate.
"We can't hire you. We're trying to get more diverse" ME: But I'm Hispanic [A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit] ME: Aw man
I bet when you go to hell they make you wear your hair like you did in 5th grade
So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we're still in the top 10.
What do a fag and a parrot have in common? Shit on their stick
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four it'd be a sedan.
little caesars makes an ok pizza but just think what they could do if their caesar was full size
When my friends say I'm too rational, I tell them to go 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 themselves.
What is a capitalist's favorite fetish? Vore, because it's all about consumption
Ever find yourself masturbating and realize that you've already watched this episode of Trading Spaces?
I thought I saw a new color today but it turned out to just be a pigment of my imagination.
What do you call a vegetarian with bad gas? A leaf blower
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall* *Swears to visit wherever it lands* *Aims dart* Map: I have a boyfriend
"Siri, do you have free will?" "I am programmed to say 'Yes'."
love cafes w exposed brick exposed filament lightbulbs love sitting there w my skin peeled back a lil exposed muscle
Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side
I got a dog for my wife. It was a good trade.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: "she's nuts. This guy rules*
Can you believe they're still together after all that crap?!? (Who?) MY BUTTCHEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was going to write a book about my knowledge of tea.. But i decided against it since it would only be a Novel Tea.
What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist
I bet Martha Stewart knits a really festive sock to wear on her wiener for the holiday season.
2 Canadians are walking through the snow... The first one sees a boot in a nearby snowbank and says: "Look, a boot" The second one replies: "About what?"
Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
Bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find all the pages blank I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
Confucius say Breasts without nipples would be pointless.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alligator ! Alligator who ? Alligator for her birthday was a card !
The Klu Lkux Klan... The original boys in the hood...
The shortest joke about Islamic State "Made in ISIS"
Did you hear that someone stole all the toilets at the police department? The police said so far they have nothing to go on.
What do you call a smart pig? Cunningham
What do you call a potato that looks like a penis? A dictator.
[Thanksgiving] ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas DAD: say please ME: hey dad will ya pass the please DAD: *tears up so hard*
*smokes fat doobie* *enters hotdog eating contest* *sets Guinness World Record* *gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Hillary Clinton came out with a new campaign slogan in response to Sanders' "Feel the Bern" Its called "Feel the Clit"
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You're a racist.
This woman at work sounds just like me. I'm going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can't get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken sees a salad
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask for directions.
How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?  It has a rattle.
Bully: Give me your lunch money Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn't Money
*exercises sarcastically*
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now
What do they call Snoop Dogg in Asia? Snoop Dinner
What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.
How to properly use a paper clip: 1. Throw in garbage 2. Use a stapler
What happens when you bring beer to a BYU party? All the girls put on their panties and go home.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her
What do you call 2 Nuns &amp; a Cheerleader? 2 Tightends &amp; a Wide Reciever
A man walks into a drug store... And asks the druggist for two boxes of condoms. The druggist asks "do you need a paper bag with that?" To which the man replies "hell no, she's good looking!"
Doctor Doctor! my sister thinks  she's an elevator. Tell her to come in. I can't. She doesn't stop at this floor.
Why David shorted his surname to Hoff? Because it was too much Hassel
I wish I could illegally download better health care insurance.
I got a bootleg copy of "Alien vs Predator" It was just some Mexican guy fighting a priest!
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there's history.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.
WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON'T CLICK ON IT! It's a link to download the new Nickelback single
Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him? To see how long he slept.
How many white cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None...he fell
Whats the difference between a woman and a dog? Put them both in the trunk of your car, drive around the block, and see which ones happy to see you afterwards.
They said, "Dress for the job you want." Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.
What does Stalin do on a night out? Paints the town red
What goes over the water, and under the water, but stays dry? Jesus in a submarine.
I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
A guy told me he wanted to go to a costume party dressed as an Italian island. I told him, "Ah, don't be Sicily."
Speaking of one-liners,
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Just overheard a construction worker in NYC very angrily say "there's no way to make brown rice taste good by itself."
I went to a party dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me.
Why does ISIS call camels "Ships of the Desert"? Because they are full of ISIS seamen.
I took biscuits with me on a date once. She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
"Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption" the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Where did Michael Jackson go to college? BringemYoung University
romeo tells juliet she's fat
What do you call Virgin Mobile? A nun in a wheelchair
How are two gay guys who are perfect for each other similar to an Ancient Chinese Emperor? They both had a mandate from heaven.
[god creating snakes] how about a sock that's angry all the time
I don't like drug tests... They're not my cup of pee.
I masturbate with soap Just thought I'd come clean
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower !
What is a Jews favorite part of porn? The moneyshot
Why do people say half a dozen? Why can't they just say Six
What does Frankenstein's monster call a screwdriver? Daddy.
A prisoner walks in to a bar Drunken repost of my favorite joke in the world
Motion to change the country's motto to: "America - we're not that bright."
A pirate walks into a bar... The bartender says "Hey do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says "Arrr... It's driving me nuts!"
Special shout-out to various coworkers for keeping me warm during this chilly weather by wearing perfume that burns my eyes and lungs.
When I retire I plan to study oceanography. (I'll eat like a shark, drink like a fish and lay on the beach like a whale)
I thought I might be pregnant. It turns out I'm just three months fat.
Years ago I bought a dress for my wife at a store that sells hard-to-find items. I asked why I never see her wearing it. She said she can't find it.
Why are Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse having a divorce? Because Minnie is fucking Goofy
Me: Why am I suddenly sick? Friend: Probably the change in the Weather [earlier] Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Instead of washing your hands after going to the toilet Just give your cock a good clean in the morning. Badly remembered Jimmy Carr joke.
One person's trigger warning... ...is another person's spoiler alert.
"You know, when I was a surgeon in the army my nickname was Nodoc." It's what my patients always told me before they went under.
We've all butt-dialed someone. But have you ever butt-married someone? Coming this fall on TBS...
Just passed a cop on a bicycle, I hope I used my turn signal properly or I might get a detention or whatever they hand out
I just removed all my German friends from my phone Now I have a Hans-free device
What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat.....
the blue thumnbtacks on this map indicate concentrations of high (luna) energy, the red ones are all the panera breads ive been banned from
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
I was bitten by a crow, since then I've had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
"I was born in California............ "I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me."
Why did Angelina tell Brad to do squats? Because she was tired of a bottomless pitt.
A conversation between a cobra and a librarian -Shhhh -Shhhh -Shhhh -Shhhh
HairLine Joke Your hair line goes Way back Like the 50's
The last chapter of every book should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end.
I need a new gimmick. What if I'm always just inexplicably shuffling a deck of cards? Would you buy that? Like "whoa, who's that drifter?!"
What's better, Google or Yahoo? Let's Google it.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun. A Roman-Catholic
What's black and never works? DECAF YOU RACIST FUCK
My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Which race is the most racist? The human one.
I used to curcumcise elephants. The pay wasn't very good, but the tips were huge.
[my dog lays down on my date's lap instead of mine] date: "i had a good time tonight" me: "i think you need to leave"
have a safe weekend everyone lol jk hail satan drink poison
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him. Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
"YOU'RE FAT." - my belt
Ad: You like to save money, right? Me (thinking): dear god, they've read my diary
Had sex with a cougar recently She was wild! But now the zoo is suing me.
I have a basic password for my online banking and a complicated one for twitter. Wouldn't want some hacker breaking in and posting bullshit.
What do you call a racist 19th century artist? Oppressionist
Why is a gun better than a woman? You can buy a silencer for a gun
Videogames ruined my life... ...but at least i have two more
ME: Who is your favourite philosopher? PROFESSOR: It's Hume. ME: Sorry - whom is your favourite philosopher?
You know what makes me smile? Face muscles.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a "small coffee flavored coffee" in Starbucks.
What do you call a paper crane folded by a prositute? Whoreigami
I'm thinking about bottling my own urine and selling it. I'll call it "I Can't Believe It's Not Bud Light."
Blonde's Appendicitis A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
Anderson Cooper: "the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control." Arizona Wildfire: "Wow, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."
[gets pulled over for speeding] Where's the fire ma'am? *grips lighter* "I'm not sure yet"
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the golf club wielding maniac.
My dad just had thought surgery and i asked him if he could still talk he said yes, and i'm about to email the doctor to see if i can get my bribe back.
For every woman with a curve, there are several men with angles.
I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.
When those Subway "$5 Footlong" commercials come on, every man is quietly calculating how much his penis is worth.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAAAAAANNNNNDDD EYEEEEE
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
What's up? This guy! (points at self)
Gay Dinosaur What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bat ! Bat who ? Bat you'll never guess!
What do you call a practice exercise preparing for the possibility of observing hole-making tools undergoing a military parade? Drill drill drill.
SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Whats a tacticians favorite cut of meat? Flank
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
I have been playing DotA2 all day... My whole dagon
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If women can do everything men can... ...howcome they've never successfully oppressed an entire gender?
"I'll take movies for $500 Alex" Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter "You gotta be kidding me"
Deshsawn, Jamal, Tyrone, Darryl, and Darnell all went to see a movie... The 3 of them had fun.
Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party? Because he just came to pick up his little sister.
Dude, what part of "I don't speak your language" don't you understand?
"Oh no I left the easy bake oven on" *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Her: Put your finger on it! Me: Like this? Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now! -Making the perfect bow
I am so smart and good at arguments.. I am so smart and good at arguments, that in the end I end up beating myself!
Lost both my arms in an accident. The whole incident left me utterly humerless.
Did you hear Burger King is promoting a black Whopper? McDonalds responded by introducing a 3/5ths pounder.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames: Ratty: I'll be The Ratster! Toad: I'll be The Toadster! Mole: I'll be The Molest... I'll be Moley.
A co-worker is retiring, so they're passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words ... "Stop shaking the fucking ladder you little cunt!"
What do you call a God unfit for the times at hand? O Cristor Redundant
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? None. The minimum age for physical labour in most places is 13-15 and babies would not be allowed to use the paint
What do you call a Mexican with a broken-down car? Joaquin.
Holy shit, just invented the funnest work game ever. Go get on the phone with men but call them ma'am. Listen as they deepen their voices.
I asked my wife if she was up for a game of rape She said no I said that's the spirit
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
KFC is a shelter for battered chickens
I took a Viagra the other day and it got stuck in my throat... I had a stiff neck all day.
I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.
What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Stephen King? OJ's truth is stranger than King's fiction.
Pao sucks. Don't mind me, I'm just jumping on the hate wagon.
Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one
u ever see those babies who r born with whole heads of hair and think "ur going places. ur a baby who gets stuff done"
Why did the hoagie go to the shrink? He was having problems with his sub-conscious.
A dyslexic man ... ... walks into a bra
Zweireiher Mantel Trenchcoat Hee Grand Damen Fruehling Herbst elegant Zweireiher Mantel Trenchcoat
Everyone wants to see fifty shades of grey Being colorblind fucking sucks!
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
ah, corduroy.... u are truley the ruffles chips of pants
Condescending: (adj) showing patronizing superiority (verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
What are the three rings of Marriage? The Engagement Ring, The Wedding Ring, and The Suffer-ring.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am!!!! 3 in the morning can you believe that?! Luckily, I was still awake playing my drums.
The Tea Party sounds quite nice until you discover their tea tastes of homophobia and their fondant fancies are made of guns and rage.
How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods ? Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor? Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing! Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I'm right here
Here is a really bad joke feminism
What do tornados and black people have in common? It only takes one to ruin a neighborhood
How does NASA throw a holiday party? They planet.
I have an eating disorder... I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Women are like the salt of my life They raise my blood pressure
What currency do they use in space? Star bucks.
Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed. I think I'll return the piece of shit to Ikea!
A new card game It's called the Star of David. You take out all the cards you don't like, put a star on them, and then you burn them.
Why is a giraffe's neck so long? Because its head is so far away from its body.
what do you call it when 3 muppets have sex together? - Mena Menage a trois
What's your favorite blonde joke? What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you smack it, the mosquito stops sucking.
What's the most common owl in Britain? The tea towel
What shoe can fit 206 million feet in it? Honshu!
When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can't wait to be a theater prop.
Becoming a vegetarian Is a big missed steak
Bought a few packs of Sonicare toothbrush heads @ Costco today & the kids can't go to college anymore but at least they'll have clean teeth.
If you're a person who indulges in recreational marijuana use, my daughter was born last Friday at 4:21pm. Sorry I couldn't push faster.
What would you call Benedict Cumberbatch if he was dating a giraffe? The Neck-Romancer
Guess what Spain is Chicken anus
Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where's Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Did you hear about the overweight prison escapee? They say he really let himself go.
Don't use up the last of the milk! Leave just enough in there to piss somebody off.
Tomorrow is boss' day.
My Grandma's favorite saying Life is the ultimate disease. Its sexually transmitted and terminal.
Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.
How far can you walk into the forest? Halfway, when you walk further then you will walk out of the forest! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
No musician has vision impairments All of them should know how to C#
My friend and I were talking yesterday and he asked me if I sometimes randomly recited the English vowels. I replied, "Sometimes, why?".
Why did Papa smurf go to the aviary? Because he loves blue tits.
"I don't understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober." - Florida State
With the election coming close, I trust Bill Clinton the most... He always picked someone other than Hillary, so I will too.
I love it when a girl takes control. Birth control specifically.
In my son's class they were talking about allergies, my son said "My mom says she's allergic to most other moms" Super
A man went to the doctors office and said "I've broken my arm in several places".... The Doctor tells him "Well, you should stop going to those places".
One side effect of Cialis can be hearing loss. So, a raging erection and unable to listen to a woman? It's every man's dream in pill form.
Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.
What do you call it when a lizard can't get it up? A reptile dysfunction
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space? Steer Wars.
Whats the difference between a black man and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family of four
I used to be a Banker But I lost interest
want to hear me say something funny? well alright then...."something funny" there
How do you spot a terrorist? They'll freak out when they hear a helicopter
Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Whos there? Control Freak. Con Okay, now you say, Control Freak who?
"Hey boo." -casual ghost
I like my coffee how I like my women Imported from poor South American countries.
I went to my dad and asked him... Me: hey dad will you watch a movie I'm going to cast in Dad : no Me: why? Dad: I don't watch porn
What do you call a movie without any Jews in it? Uncut
Have you ever walked into a room and forgot what you went in for? I done it the other day, I walked in and completely forgot why - my mind went blank. 3 seconds later I shat myself.
On the bright side of the election There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.
How do chemists poison each other? With a Pb &amp; J sandwich
Why does the Pope keep his underwear on while bathing? Because he doesn't like looking down on the unemployed. First to ever post this joke here, yay!
How do you shut an Italian up? Tie his hands behind his back
Why should you never date a French Horn player? Because every time you kiss, they'll try to shove their fist up your ass.
If you woke up in the woods with a handful of leaves and a condom hanging out of your butt, would you tell anyone? Wanna go camping?
how many black people does it take to change a light bulb? WRONG! black people don't work you idiot
Read out loud for full affect * "Knock knock" * "Who's there" * "I eat mop" * "I eat mop who" * *que laughter Gets em every time
A guy shows up late for work... The boss yells, You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. Why? What happened at 8.30?'
The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Was... Post them in here. Honestly, off the top of your head, post the funniest joke you've ever heard. Whether it's very long, or a simple one-liner, share it!
What did one orphan say to the other? ~~"Robin, get in the batmobile."~~ "Our parents are dead."
I love self deprecating humour. Shame I'm no good at it.
What did Matthew McConaughey say about Steve Bannon's followers? They're alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.
My sex life is like Santa Claus. -Why? Doesn't it exists? -No, it exist, because of naive 6 yo kids..
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
What's a zombies favourite brand of crisps? Walkers
I don't believe in stereotypes. Because that would mean all Asians would be driving big or expensive vehicles to make up for their penis size.
How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers' food?
How do you know that ET is a Donald Trump supporter? Because he looks like one.
Worst Excuses For Being Late 5) Too many dragons 4) Out of dragons 3) I'm not late, Steve is 2) Time is fake 1) Made a list of excuses
Wife: you're so damn forgetful! M: oh nonsense! W: ok, did you get the cat food? M: WE HAVE A CAT??
what am i doing with [borat voice] my liiiiiiiiiife
Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
2 drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tss EDIT: spelling
The best part about owning a pet. You can blame your dog for farting, you can blame your cat for things falling over at night, and you can blame your goldfish for the screaming in the basement.
Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for "wireless fireless." Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, "fire up the computer" etc.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Jose and Josb
Did you guys hear the rumor about the butter? I don't know if I should spread it.
Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.
What do you call it when a man uses a Confederate flag as a blanket? A white power nap.
A non-smoker says to a smoker "Excuse me, would you mind smoking somewhere else?" The smoker replied, "Hypothetically, yes."
What do you call a chicken vegetable? Bawk Choy
A man walks up to a juice bar... There's no punch line.
Two Peanuts were walking down a dark alley. One was a salted.
Have you seen the clown at Walmart that hides from gay people? Of course you haven't.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
I solve many of my problems by simply ignoring them.
Yo mama So fat I can stand on her belly and high five Jesus -Merry Xmas
What's the difference between Botox and Borax? Two letters.
I fondly remember the time I found a cure for dementia. Ahh......That brings back memories.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut] Opponent: "dude they meant the top half" *walks away* [I claim victory and retire undefeated]
What's red and has 7 dents? Snow White's cherry
Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union? They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he's in a better place now.
I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation. Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven't fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
A Jewish kid asks his father for five dollars... and his father replies; "Four dollars!? What do you need three dollars for!? Here's two!"
Why is it difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they take everything literally.
What did the Pencile say to the other pencil? what did the pencile say to the other pencil the answer is........... Your Looking Sharp :)
Judge: and how does the defendant plead Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn't do any crimes* Judge: HAH do it again
At a live orchestra, and lightening strikes, who gets hit first? The Conductor
Ever been to the Tower of Pisa? the security is pretty lenient
Found a $50 bill in the laundromat the other day.. I looked to the washer and dryers for clues, but they all told me to Bounce.
Which doesnt belong? Camel Polar Bear Obama Buffalo Camel......It's the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East
[NSFW] What does a condom and a wife have in common? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What do you call a weird Russian? Off-Putin.
I was going to buy my friend a bottle of water for Christmas. And then I realized, that would be tasteless.
If killing a king is called regicide, what do you call killing a queen? Homocide.
I'm Going To Hell For This
Young McDonald had a time machine... ...and warned his future self about letter based songs.
This Jewish kid asks his dad for five dollars... and his dad goes, "Four dollars? What do you need three dollars for?"
It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Mom, you bought me the wrong magazine! This isn't MAD, this is DISAPPOINTED!
I almost got knocked out by a couple of celebrities recently.... Talk about seeing stars.
I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents
I bought myself one of those "off road vehicles" last week... Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
What do you call a retired comedian? Comedy mold.
What is the painless frequency? 0 Hz
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing. she couldn't speak while gagging
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten: 1) phonics 2) writing 3) math What I actually taught her: 1) the dance to Thriller
Why are white prisoners so scary? Because you know they did it.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
You seem like the kind of person who always tried to open the wrong side of the milk carton in grade school.
Q: What kind of wood doesn't float? A: Natalie Wood
I had to change my GPS's voice from female to male because the female GPS told me to pull over and ask for directions.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
"I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident." "Ok, but we already said you got the job."
Why did the fisherman drill a hole in the ice? For the Halibut
If you're looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Why Don't Jews Like Ions? They prefer their molecules free of charge.
The cheesiest joke ever. "I don't feel grate." -- Block of Cheese before it got shredded.
You'll be surprised how many people won't get the answer to this. Q: what's red and smells like blue paint? A: red paint.
What kind of music does an inspired Latin fish listen to? Carp E.D.M. Credit to my friend for this one.
I have a joke about capitalism. I'll tell it to the highest bidder.
Yoga? No thank you. I'll download an app to my phone so I don't have to stretch for the remote.
How many mathematician does it take to change a lightbulb? pi
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, But when i got home all the signs were there.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape. I should get a new keyboard.
What did the scientist say to his hot assistant? "There's only gonna be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus."
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, who hangs out in your pool? Bob
A man walked into a bar... ... and he stayed there my entire fucking childhood.
I don't get why people think the homeless are unclean... when they have the mintiest breaths I've ever smelled.
What did the Leper say to the Prostitute after they finished? "Keep the tip."
"Your teeth are like the stars" he said As he pressed her hand so white. He spoke the truth for like the stars Her teeth came out at night!
My dad said to me: Son, don't try to understand women. Women understand women... and they hate each other.
What do you call a black person that flys an airplane? A pilot you racist bastard
Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig?  Pigs don't have red noses.
I used to play Rock-Paper-Scissors professionally. I made money hand over fist.
So I took your mom to In N Out 'cause I know she likes it animal style
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a Hummer? A gray and red hairy paste.
Hey, hot stuff. Pretty sweet vagina you got there. Maybe later, after I unload the dishwasher, we can-No? That's cool. I have stuff to read.
7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH! Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn't want you messing with it until payd...Friday.
My friends Dad call his son "The Exorcist" Ever time he comes home, all the spirits are gone [Picture of the "The Exorcist" at work](http://i.imgur.com/hAK6zNg.jpg)
Today is your reminder that April Fool's is exactly 9 months away. Time to start preparing your pranks and jokes. Especially if that joke is a child.
King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. The carpenter had cut some corners.
My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes. Her: What do you do with the time saved? Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it had a silent pee.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
The funny thing about strippers and fires... The people that are going to show up are the other most experienced people on a pole.
Firing Squad 2 men lined against a wall ready to be shot by a fireing squad.."have you any last requests"says the soldier...Yes says the man..can we stand behind the wall...
Why did x and y break up? They couldn't function together.
did you hear about the freak birth at chernobil? a baby was born with more eyes than teeth
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add "well, at least I've managed to go 10 years without drinking"
Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.
Last night I watched a great U.S. Olympic Trials semifinal match that featured Sylvester Stallone vs Joey Lawrence in a Pronunciation game.
How do you know the guy sucking your dick is gay? He's holding it with his pinky in the air.
Chickens in the farm Q: Why did the chicken not cross the road to meat the cow? A: The steaks were already too high.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
How do Muslims like their food served? Allah Carte
They really should call the Day After Tomorrow "Threemorrow"
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
What sucks about being an egg? You get laid once, and it's by your mom.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
A man walks into a graveyard bar "Can I get a beer?" he asks as he walks up to the bar. "I'm sorry," replies the bartender. "We serve only spirits."
"That's me in a nutshell." A peanut's photo album.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering #BatmanvSuperman
A squirrel charged with murder, the detective "did you do it?", the squirrel ... "no it was Nut me"
Wanna hear a joke about overdosing on cocaine? I can't remember all of it, but the last line's a killer.
Sometimes when I'm puking I worry I might be pregnant then I remember I'm not Mary And that requires sex Then I laugh And keep puking
Whole foods? More like whole paycheck.
The whole "limiting myself to one glass of wine a day" thing is going really great. I'm like 5 years ahead of schedule.
How did cows feel when the branding iron was  invented? They were very impressed!
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
I went to an extremely traditional cannibal wedding this weekend It was an edible arrangement.
What does an egg say when its "turnt up"? Omlet!
"Why can't anything be easy?!?" I moaned as my real-time handheld connection to all the world's information briefly ran slower than usual.
I don't wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.
Although I don't care for rap music, I don't denigrate it. For those who like rap music, denigrate means to speak negatively about.
I get my exercise by running and jumping over the light beam before my garage door closes on me.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!
Why did the boxer sprinkle cocaine on his exercise rope? He wanted to practice the rope-a-dope.
What's the difference between "Fake News" and CNN? I don't know Reddit, that's why I'm asking you?
My first ever degree... ...is in measuring angles!
Norm Macdonald tells a good joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGr_7p5Ti0Q
Did you guys know a Mexican's brain is the most expensive out all the race? Because its brand new and never been used
Why did sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.
What's Gordon Ramsey's second favorite movie? FROZE-- oh, nevermind.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I'm glad I did because I'm getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Guys that try and pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic.. Girls, if you agree message me your number so we can talk about it.
[baby takes its first steps] me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you're going away for a long long time.
You can't set out a bowl full of superconductors and expect people not to take them. They're irresistible.
An elder man is annoyingly telling a chef how to BBQ. Then the chef says "you want us to switch positions? You come cook and I go and fuck off"
My relationships are like a reddit safe pic. Starts off with great anticipations. No responses for a while. Then ends in empty promises and disappointment.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases? They're really making headlines.
My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I'm now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.
What do you call a Spanish matador who is not very good at his job? I'd say he's fairly incapa**bull**.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it's still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Doctor: are you sexually active? Me: why, what have you heard?
If Noah was not holding ' Control ' while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.
How do you tell when it's Halloween at Lana Del Ray's house? Her pussy tastes like candy corn.
I'll likely spend most of my child bearing years looking for a place to plug in my phone
Why did the pillow cross the road? Because it was cooler on the other side.
Why does John Cena set his alarm at 1:59? So he can kick out at 2.
Why are automatic doors like knights? Because they're chivalrous!
if i ever spontaneously combust, i hope it's around somebody i don't like and that they're wearing their favorite outfit.
I used to never give a shit, but my attitude is improving. Now I don't give two shits.
How many Zionists does it take to change a light bulb? [OC] Just one. And if you disagree with me, you're an anti-Semite.
At home I have an Old Sleeping Bag Hope she doesn't wake up.
There is still no cure for mornings.
[WARNING, spoilers ahead!] 1.) Storing milk at room temperature 2.) Grandparents 3.) Black people in a movie theatre
Why is the sky not happy on clear days?  It has the blues
The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.
2 sound waves... (OC) ...were travelling to their destination when they suddenly crash into each other. The first wave says "Hey, are you okay?" The second wave says "Oh I'm fine It just Hertz"
Tell her she's glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was
NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars Early pictures show no sign of ESPN, beer, or porn. This should be sufficient proof that men aren't from Mars.
What did all of the birds do to the bird that couldn't fly? They ostrich-sized him
For me, bondage was life-changing... Turns out I have a major latex allergy
Either way, I don't think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Did you hear that Fergie and R. Kelly are collaborating on a new album? They are calling their group the Black Guy Pees.
I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokeStops... a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke edit: whoops, rip inbox. don't get sucked in by priests, kiddies.
What is the the Chicken's favorite composer? bach bach bach time to return to /r/TIL
What would a diatomic Calcium molecule look like if existed? Like Crap or Feces (its the same) WHY? Because its Ca=Ca (equal sign is a double bond)
Sarcasm is humor with an attitude.
What do you call a person with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ? Because he didn't want to be recognised !
Jesus was such a hypocrite Preaches waiting for marriage and all that. Meanwhile he just goes and gets nailed 3 times in one day.
But my sandwich is so dry! "Sorry sir, that's not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic."
What do call a whore in Alaska? An eskihoe
I nearly dropped my game of scrabble It could've spelled disaster if I actually did
Waking up to a "fcuk you" text message instead of a "good morning" one is surprisingly not that bad.
The greatest plot twist of all time is in the Bible where, halfway through, God suddenly turns out to be nice.
A computer architect walks up to an elevator and sees a sign that says "Out of Order".. .. and says "Even better!" and gets into it.
Raising ones leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn't like his wife's tone of voice.
I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in 5 years... Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.
What did the man say to his big breasted ex-wife? Thanks for the mammaries.
Chinese Proverb Say... Man who push in front of car get tired. Man who push behind car get exhausted.
Teacher asked us today, "What is the difference between a hormone and a protein?" You can't hear a protein. (Wait for it)
Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you're interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say "spaghetti"
What do you call a dumb musician? Curt Nobrain....
Seriously. Once you learn how it reaches your dinner plate, you'll never want to eat human flesh again.
I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY but I'll take it.
I'd never appear on Leno now because I have strict ethical standards, so next time you're watching Leno and you don't see me that's why.
Why don't hipsters live in Alaska? Everything is cool there already.
What's a Web Developer's favourite tea? URL #DDD
I hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.
My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common.... I said, "Well, we both refuse to suck dick."
Which letter has the best bum? Big Rs
What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband? O'Pressive.
Nothing sucks worse... than a shitty vacuum cleaner
8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.
Did anyone see the original joke posted on this sub today? Neither did I.
BOSS: There's limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Who do you call when you need a dock fixed? A docktor.
Why didn't the Pharaoh believe he was drowning? Because he was in deNile
I may be middle-class, but I'm hard. *Al dente*, you might say. **Jimmy Carr**
You're suppose to wear clean underwear in case you're ever in an accident. I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill
Can't trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[pinned down by sniper fire] Squad leader: I'm going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I reported my bike stolen, now the thief can't use it anymore. Since the police is on it.
Water-loo is such a shitty place. Just thinking about it would make me pissed, if I gave a crap.
My boss is sick of my comedy at work and says if I tell one more joke then I'll be fired! Well, I'll have the last laugh
I work in tech support and one of my co-workers drowned last week... we buried him in rice and he came back a day later!
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
favorite pick up line hey babe, are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Goose bumps are God's way of letting you know a devil ginger baby was just born.
Looks like Brenda in Accounting drew on her angry eyebrows today...
Who was the dankest dictator of all time? LMao Zedong
I really didn't like how I look after I shaved off my beard... ...but now it is starting to grow on me.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. She says "Oh great, some guy has my pen"
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, "my shirt smells like you" & you misspell shirt
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was black.
When a man sleeps with a lot of women.... ....he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum. -Another gem by Jimmy Carr
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie ...one of the Turtles with Barbie head
I know peanut allergies are serious but kids who have them are ruining everything
What was Lincoln's worst decision as President? He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth
my New Years resolution is to stop making stupid New Years resolutions. I failed.
What do you do if a girl sits on your hand? Try to get her off!
I think it's fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I'd fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Orange: Knock knock Apple: Who's there? O: Orange A: Orange who? O: Orange you glad I didn't say Banana? A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
A nutritionist wants us to examine a sandwich. So lettuce...
What do you call an angry German? sauerkraut! (sour kraut)
Conversation with my Dad. Me: "The teacher was talking about strangling a student today!" Dad:"She was probably just choking."
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? Santa goes *down* the chimney.
My girlfriend likes to play this weird game.. Where she dresses up like herself and acts like a bitch all the time.
What type of bee makes milk? A boo-bee
Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
"I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure." - Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Opinions are like mixtapes... I don't want to hear yours.
Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall? Who cares, they'll get over it..
Anyone have any jokes about Rats? Need some good ones!
A man goes to the library and asks for a book about suicide. The librarian stares at him for a while and then asks "But who is going to bring it back?"
Yo mama's so fat... That the local all you can eat buffet had to install speed bumps
Students, unfollow me now. Tonight's drunk subtweets might sting a little. Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
What do LotR and Brokeback Mountain have in common? Someone's ring gets broken.
My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it. He said, "Give her a milk bath." I said, "Pasteurized?" The doctor replied, "No, just up to her knees will do."
The Band " The Ghost Inside " bus was just involved in a fatal crash I guess that means there could literally be a Ghost Inside, the bus.
I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
Did you guys hear the joke about the stunt man's flame? It was retarded
Laughing Hands I never knew hands could laugh cause mine are cracking up.
When my wife said let's do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I'm a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
[pirate ship capturing another ship] Pirate: Prepare to be bored! Other Captain: Don't you mean boarded? *pirate opens stamp collection*
Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the boner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours.
How many calories does avoiding eye contact burn?
I'm writing a musical about puns. It's a play on words.
A little Harry Potter humour... How did the witches and wizards in the Alzheimer's ward refer to Voldemort?  You-knew-who
Why couldn't the woman date a German man? Because she was Klaustrophobic!
Walk a mile in someone else's shoes????? NOOOO, THANK you! I don't even wanna walk a mile in my own shoes!!! Do you know how long a mile is?
A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . . They see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them turns to the other and says, "Dammit. Too bad there's only two of us."
Why was the Redditor's picture crooked? Because Redditors aren't known for keeping a level head.
You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends? Wow, lol.
What's the difference between a Pound and a Dollar? A dollar
What's the opposite of ennui? Off-ui. from *Gilmore Girls*.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. ^^^Get ^^^it? ^^^To ^^^get ^^^to ^^^"the ^^^other ^^^side"? ^^^She ^^^was ^^^trying ^^^to ^^^kill ^^^herself.
A gay and a lesbian are going to the airport. Who gets there first? The lesbian. She got there lickity split while the gay guy was still packing his shit.
I was born with an extra toe halfway down my leg. It's neato.
"I'm sooo wasted," said My Opportunities.
I'm following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Why didn't the Mexican guy at work take out the trash at work when I asked him? He had *senor*-ity!
If you're religious you dont get to pick & choose "You shall not make for yourself an idol" That Disney sticker means you're going to hell
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Whats a shitty nickname for a tree theif? The Log Pincher.
My brain is like Internet Explorer Slow, rarely used, and needs some things deleted from its history
Craigslist is actually a great way to find stuff that's been murdered on
What did one druid say to the other? Bear with me...
What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Robertoe
Who wants to start CatRoulette.com with me?!?!
Why do feminists dislike maths? There's an XY axis but no XX axis.
A banana went to see the doctor and was like "doc I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just not peeling well"
Why did the piece of gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken.
Said Helvetica Narrow to Helvetica Bold: "Hey, you're just my type."
Wife: He's your son! Me: So you say! But I don't... *Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song* Me: ...ok fine he's my son.
*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You'll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It's here.
Why can't two Chinese people make a white baby? Because two Wongs don't make a white
What did the number 0 say to the number 8? -Nice belt.
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on........ .......... the suspension is killing me.
I got a little ass last night!... My finger went through the toilet paper!
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Hope you all aren't too good for knock knock jokes Knock knock. "who's there?" 9/11 "9/11 who?" Wow.. And you said you would never forget.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
What's the difference between a laundry machine and a girl? The washing machine doesn't get upset if I dump a load in it and never call back
Saw a coworker washing a banana in the sink and wondering what she did with it.
What do Koreans need when they take out the dog? Oven mitts
Scientists report global context shortage. "I guess I'll have flan," some scientist said, totally out of context.
what did the Fonz say after his first yoga class? namasteeeyyyy!
A police officer sees a kid on the street.. He says, "Its getting late kid, shouldn't you be getting back to the orphanage?" Kid says, "I guess so, what gave me away?" "Your parents did."
The Apple Car will never succeed. It doesn't have windows.
Why doesn't Fleetwood Mac shave? Because Stevie Nicks.
Hey now, gay jokes arent funny... ...cum on guys.
My drivers Ed teacher told me to pull over somewhere safe... Five minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" I said, "Because we're still in Detroit."
I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
What did Kanye West say when he saw the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones? Dat shit Frey.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What do you call a hot Filipino? A Filipino.
What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts. 
What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto!
How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse? She's the one with dirty knees.
I know Aladdin can't wish for more wishes, but why can't he just wish for more genies?--My 5 year old and future lawyer, probably.
Cheating is one of the worst things a person can do. But that is not the worst part. The worst part is that I just found out all my current partners are doing it!
A man walks into a therapist's office, looking for closure...
If you post a selfie that says "because some of you asked for a new one" I want to see screenshots of where they said that.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist. ~Australian drivers, apparently.
Best yo momma joke? Your momma so ugly when she plays Mortal Kombat Scorpion says "stay over there"
My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids menu!!
Hey Sherlock, what type of stone is this? Sedimentary, my dear Watson
Why do girls like me more when i'm preparing potatoes? Because they find me more appealing.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
Goodnight, sweet Prince. Rip in peace Prince.
Reese Witherspoon was arrested Friday night. If some rag doesn't use "REESE IS FALLING TO PIECES" as a headline then this world is bullshit.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine? In a Porsche, the pricks are in the inside
I phoned a local restaurant. I said, "Hello, can I make a booking for tonight?" They said, "I'm sorry, we haven't got any tables." "That's ridiculous," I said. "How do you serve the food?"
A farmer counted 196 cows in the pasture. But he rounded them up and had 200.
In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to "Drive Thru"
*spills wine on Ouija board* OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T ME: *moves pointer to NO*
the butter churner asked the milk "whats wrong..." the milk responded "im just a bit stirred up but ill be butter in a while"
Grammar Nazi If somebody who is really anal about proper grammar is called a Grammar Nazi, is someone who constantly makes grammatical mistakes a Grammar Jew?
At a KKK chapterhouse  I'd like to join the Klan.  Ok, to do that you must kill six niggers and a cat.  What? Why the cat?  Welcome to the Klan!
Ugly sweater day at work. I'm wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying "ugh, please, this old thing."
What do clouds wear during a storm? Thunderwear
get pizza or die trying
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My girlfriend put on a few pounds recently. That explains why I'm attracted to her more.
Two flies are eating on crap. One of the flies farts, to which the second fly replies " Do you mind ? I'm eating here !!"
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next
This one has always tickled me! My father is the inventor of the rear view mirror. He means a great deal to me but looking back we're not as close as we seem!
What's the main difference between a man and a woman? It's what comes to mind when they think of the word facial.
All this white pollen is fucking up my sinuses big time. *snorts another line off mirror*
A woman stopped me in my tracks. She said, "You wouldn't know where the nearest hospital is?" "That is correct." I replied.
Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
MTV stopped having their "Unplugged" specials because the shitty artists we have now can't play any instruments.
I like my fractions with me on top, and a common yourmominator on bottom.
There once was a guy with five dicks. How do you think his pants fit him? Like a glove.
What's worse than the Holocaust? Winning the jackpot in two separate lotteries at the same time.
Why are gay people so fashionable? Because they spend so long in the closet.
NEW DRINKING GAME: 1) Put on the new Twilight movie 2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
What do you get if you cross a computer  with a ballet dancer? The Netcracker suite.
Are you even really committed to going green if you don't use both sides of the toilet paper?
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem walks into a bar... And I kid you not, he came out of NOWHERE
I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food... We should definitely make America grate again.
What's the difference between an intern and bird shit? No one intentionally steps on bird shit.
"I think Esmerelda's in trouble!" "What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?" "I have a..." ... *sunglasses* ... *turns to camera* ... hunch."
I dated a mime that was a mistress Being tied up was a little complicated.
Hey girl, are you made of lead? Because you have a plumbum.
What is a sailor's favorite letter? From his wife back home
I attended a festival this weekend with premium pay porta-johns.. They had a special, 2 for the price of 1.
What did the Russian tell his nervous Socialist Dictator at the amusement park? "Quit Stalin and get on the ride!"
I'm starting a nightclub to cater to people infected with AIDS It's called "Hi Five" in Roman Numerals (HIV)
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground* me, knocking from inside: "Wait, I have to pee."
What do you call a long vegetable that flies in a V? asparagoose
What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked? She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.
Being a mailman must be the most boring job in the world. It just sounds so redundant.
I'm convinced that those at work who drum on every available surface incessantly killed things as a child.
redneck joke How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw
I had a dream that I ate 5lbs marshmallow... I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Twitterzoned (by Kevin L. Schwartz) Is "Twitterzoning" a thing? "You're okay as a Twitter friend, but let's not get all Facebook about this." You've been Twitterzoned.
I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger to remind me of how f*cked I am
When does the narwhal bacon? Ellen Pao needs to resign immediately.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor? Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears. Emperor: That sounds plausible.
It is always the wrong time of month.
What do you call a room full of psychics? A scam!
Annoy your wife by saying "wow" every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
To bad this upcoming storm isn't called Harry Because: https://imgflip.com/i/gumlv
[Calculus Joke] Why didn't the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach? Because secant tan
How do you call a homosexual with a boner? Homo Erectus
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What've you got?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A DOG'S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey- TURKEY: Nope. I'm ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped What's a tiger ? A stri-ped !
Want to hear another Ebola joke? Never mind, you wouldn't get it anyways
the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn't actually know the words
Which sport is more lame: frisbee, or curling? Discus
Why does Beyonce sing, "To the left, to the left!"? Because black women have no rights.
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.
"I missed you so much!" I shout as I run past my wife's open arms and jump into my bed.
Every grocery store has free samples if you're quick enough
What do you call an easter extremist? The middle easter bunny
How do you tell if a feminist is on their period? You can't.
Bring Me the Horizon gets thrown into the ocean... Do they sink or swim? Or simply disappear?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
A neutron walks into a bar... and asks the bartender: "How much does a glass of beer cost?" The bartender replies: "For you, no charge".
one time a girl asked for my number and i got so nervous that i accidentally gave her my social security number
How I flirt: *Stares from a distance*
What do you call someone who hasn't heard about Pokemon go Amish
I love how, in the year 2010, TV news channels still use a background graphic of a reel-to-reel tape player when they play 911 recordings.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can't get out of a hammock.
That pie smells so good I jizzed in my pants... I guess you could say I came to my senses.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean
"My nose is going to grow now" said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single.
What kind of gum do astronauts chew? Hubble Bubble
Why can't blind people bungee jump? Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs.
Did you hear Lorain Labbobit died in a car accident last week? Some dick cut her off!
My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks.. Yet after two weeks I'm still asian
[Mr. Robot] I may be late... ...and, for sure, Edward Alderson is late, but Christian's later
What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1
If by ticklish, you mean I'll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I'm a little ticklish.
Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.
I've been having a hard time getting around with my bad leg. Just goes to show limpin' ain't easy!
Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat? "Mayweather May Weather May Weather"
A solipsist posts on a forum In his thread, he asks, "Anyone else out there a solipsist?" After a day of no replies He thinks to himself, "I guess it's just me!"
Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn. (Stolen from laffy taffy)
What do people and jellybean have in common? No one likes the black ones
What did the Jewish residents of Hiroshima shout when they saw the plane carrying the first atomic bomb? Enola - gai avek!
What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long? Polaroids. ^I ^know, ^that ^was ^god ^awful.
What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
A new study finds that chicken isn't as healthy for you as once thought. "Just don't ask to see our data" clucked one feathered researcher.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
A cube and a square are fighting. The cube says "You're such a square, square." Offended, the cube replies... Oh yeah? Well so's your FACE!!!!
Guys are a little like bears, if you lay very still they'll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back? GF: Yep M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. We are efficient and don't like humour.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
whats the deal with shemales? you don't call them she, and they're not male
The French are a very religious people... I talked to some of them, and they are all *Je suis* this, an *Je suis* that.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said "underpants?" and we laughed and laughed and I'm clearing out my desk.
Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn't count.
I made this joke. I said as I held me son for the first time.
I just tried to make reservations at the library. Couldn't get one though. They were fully booked.
Why is there no market for white tires? Because black tires makes your car run faster
I lost my phone when it was on vibrate I guess if I loved it so much I should have put a ring on it
What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive] A sandy hook survivor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Honestly I'm so shit faced I have no idea.
Ian: It's done. Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice? I: What? MB: Like a restaurant. I: I killed him. MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How'd you get their teeny legs apart?
What's the difference between England and a tea bag ? The tea bag stays in the Cup longer
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome There were just 30 girls...
Did you know that if you take all the people in the world and split them in half you'd be a mass murderer
How do you exorcise a demon? Make him run a lap then do 10 push-ups and sit-ups
What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours
What do you call it when you meet somebody in a bathroom at a conference? Pee-er to pee-er networking (P2P).
Why is the all-seeing eye the symbol of the occult? Because they want us all under super-vision!
Why would you wrap masking tape around a 3 day old baby? So it doesn't burst when you fuck it.
If you used to be transgender but aren't anymore.. would that make you a transformer?
What do you call an Asian in a tank? A chink in the armor.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there's a mosquito in the room.
Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election? Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.
My friend David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dave. well i'm bad at telling jokes
An alpaca made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I guess it was an Alpac'ino.
When I really sit down and think about it My ass has seen some shit
BAE: come over ME: we live together im sitting right here BAE: my parents arent home ME: what is wrong with you
I can't get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
"sir do u know why i pulled u over" *shrugs* "License- *hands cop box of crayons* "sir plea- *hands cop coloring book* *cop starts coloring*
I'm not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
What's worse than finding half a worm in an apple? Finding a vein in a hot dog.
*lays down on memory foam mattress* mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade? me: I regret buying you
What's the politically correct term for a swingers party in Alabama? A lynching.
Funeral Emily died last week after she fell in the lake. It's a shame she never learned how to swim. We brought a life preserver to her funeral. It's what she would have wanted.
"How much for this toaster?" "An arm & a leg." "How about a leg & 2 fingers?" "A leg & 3 fingers." "Deal!" - Cannibal Pawn Stars
an unfaithful man what does an unfaithful man say to his wife after having sex? I'll be home in half an hour.
Arrgh! These be some pirate jokes. Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrgggghhhh What is a pirates favorite letter? Most think it's Arrrrgh but, it is really the Sea(c).
Women's Darts The only time they'll see a 180 is when they're programming the oven.
*rearranges Nana's body so she's dabbing* She would've wanted it this way.
What did the veterinarian performing canine reproductive surgery say to the veterinarian with over productive saliva disorder? Spay it don't spray it.
Which member of the Bach family went to prison? Bachgen Drwg. (it's welsh)
What do you call it when two Vietnamese people meet? A Nguyen-Nguyen situation
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it's a hamburger
10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February
You wanna know what made me realize I was Black As fuck I'm at the beach on a sunny day and to get a good pic I still needed the flash on
I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.
Having children really brought me and my wife closer together. We have a common enemy now.
Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics? Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration. (all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)
"how was self-deprecating rap battle?" I don't want to talk about it "come on what happened?" they saw my porsche "oh ouch"
ENTER PASSWORD. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. RESET PASSWORD. NEW PASSWORD CAN'T BE OLD PASSWORD. sets fire to computer
"Flight 1234 are you ready to copy holding instructions?" "Center make that request on the next frequency...."
[lumberjack interview] BOSS: I'm gonna "axe" you a few questions. Haha do you get it? ME: Yeah I "saw" that coming BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
What do you call a quadruple amputee trying to swim? Bob. Same guy laying on the floor? Matt. Same guy hanging on the wall? Art. Same guy in a mailbox? Bill.
What do you call someone with no body and nose.... Nobody knows.
Today I have gone in a date, I got engaged, got a dog, moved into a new house, got pregnant, and got married. I love sims.
If I hear a bang when I'm driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier. Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
What did Sloth say when he found gold? AU GUYS!!!
You know what they do in West Virginia for Halloween? They pump kin
Which Fruit Can't Get Married??
What did the hiker say when he fell in a pile of moss? "I'm not lichen this!'
Spanish for wife - "esposa" Spanish for handcuffs - "esposas" Well played, Spanish
No one looks more suspicious than everyone else at a gas station.
It's here! May The Fourth Be With You!!
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music C: what song? M: I'd rather not say C: what song?!? M: I saw the sign
I give it 6 months before Banksy does a graffiti of the statue of liberty with the snapchat dogface filter on it
What's the difference between a diaper and a politician? When a diaper is full of shit, it gets discarded. When a politician is full of shit, it runs for president.
Look Disney all I'm saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I'd make her clean up that shit too.
Ever have one of those dreams where you're falling and you wake up when you hit the ground? I had one of those, except I didn't wake up after I hit the ground.
How do you make four gay people happy? You flip over a stool.
A giraffe walks into a bar and happily announces, "A round of drinks for everybody!" ... "The highballs are on me!"
I have a step ladder I never met my real ladder .
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
He looks at her, she undresses him with her eyes His clothes fall Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..
I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks.
What do you end up with when your pig smokes pot? Baked ham.
*interrupts your baby's first words* "IF A PANDA WEARS A HANDKERCHIEF IT'S CALLED A PANDANA."
So a black kid asks his dad...
Why did the chicken cross the road? I forget how jokes work :/
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender
What kind of cat should you take into the  desert ? A first aid kitty !
Why was the gymnast disqualified? He walked into a bar.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go play on our bikes.
Young boy: Mommy, Mommy I can't stop spinning in circles! Mommy: Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor too!
Watching too much porn gave me unrealistic expectations of sex I really thought it would happen
Is it me or.. Is it me or does this place smell like up dog? "What's up dog?" Oh nothing much what's up with you?
How do you say virgin in German? Guten tight (   )
What do you get if you cross a dog with a sniper rifle and a car? A *range rover*!
A cannibal tried a bite of my kidney He said it was offal
#NAME?
"It's a competition, I didn't come here to make friends." -- Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season's "Friendmakers".
Apparently "cheesecake & tacos" wasn't the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
What does religion and Ikea have in common? The stuff they have looks good but its impossible to put together. huehue
Donald Trump ...Title says all.
I showed my iPad to my iPod, and he was all "what's up fatty".
I did a random survey/poll on the street and according to 98% of people, "Leave me alone"!
Did ya hear about the Mexican who kept washing his dog? They were spic and spaniel
How do you know a black man has been on your computer. It's not there.
The US government had a shutdown.
I have the reflexes of a cat, but like if it was stoned.
Why was the blonde staring at the box of orange juice for a long time? because it said "CONCENTRATE"
How does the basis of all TIFU's start.... by doing what you see on reddit.
#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.
An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago What's one more pot hole?
What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament? Let's hang.
This guy asked me to convert today... And I said, no, I'm happy with my current non-prophet organization
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks him, "Where did you get that thing?" Parrot says, "Africa."
If I was a smart thief, do you know what I would rob? A book store.
Math is so communist... ...There's class struggle for Marx
A guy goes to the doctor Doctor: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating. Guy: Really, doc?! Like, forever? Doctor: No, just for a few minutes, so I can examine you.
Which came first, chicken or the egg? Neither. I came first.
If Lucky Charms are magically delicious... it should be called Ethereal box.
A good place to hide a body would be the DVD section of a Best Buy.
To the fat people who get offended when someone makes a fat joke, I have two words for you: Lighten up.
Remember the Three R's of r/jokes Repost, reuse, recycle.
I'm just saying, instead of calling it a "mule", it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
What do you call a Jamaican motorcycle? Bob Harley
As our exhausted bodies lay down on the bed... She turned to me and said, "What do you think of post-sex?" "I can't say I've ever fucked a letter box." I replied.
Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic man? He lies awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.79, and deer nuts are right under a buck.
So sick of musicians telling lovers in songs that they'd give them stuff if they only had it to give. That's too easy, assholes.
Why are black guys getting fatter? TVs are getting lighter.
*cop bursts into bathroom* "KID DON'T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!" *toilet is wearing shades* "damn. we're too late" *toilet rides off on motorcycle*
What do you call a Mexican on a hill? Gracias.
gang leader: "this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store" me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] "you should be more specific"
[interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking
My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.
Mom, mom, everyone at school says I have a big mouth... dont listen to them honey, but bring the shovel so I can give you your medicine.
"I want a guy who treats me right, listens to me and makes me feel good. But until then, I'll keep dating a$$holes and complaining."  Women
Did you hear about the latest thing affected by recession? My hairline!
Why do asian girls have small boobs? Because only A's are acceptable.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday! Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
What's a martial artist's favorite beverage? Kara-Tea
Masochist meets sadist. "Torture me", saids masochists. Sadist replies: "No way"
What is the common point between broccoli and anal sex? Kids generally don't enjoy them
Mexican magician to audience: I'll disappear on the count of three. "Unos", "Dos", *poof* They disappeared without a tres.
For some reason I'm an extremely secretive person. Don't ask me why
Never underestimate a well placed "that's what she said". Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.
Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
just mowed the backyard [idiot mocking voice] "but deg what will u do this weekend?" hell, the way it grows i'll be able to mow sunday idiot
You know what's sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn't drink the poison
its funny when people are like "whos to say whats truly 'cool'... who gets to define cool". its like, come on dude. hot babes decide it. duh
Do you know 25% of woman are seeking help for mental issues? That means 75% are not getting the help they need
Behind every ladybug there's a gentleman bug who is tired of dealing with her.
Why should you never bet on Germany at the Olympics? They have the worst track record for finishing a race.
Today at the grocery store, they only had one piece of cheese . . . . . . it was provolone.
An Imgurian walks into a bar REPOST
Did you know Helen Keller lived in a haunted house? Neither did she.
I invented a new sexual position called "The Republican" where I screw poor people.
[NSFW] I like to wait outside hospitals Because I like my MILFs fresh.
How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes a really long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...
gay rabbit Did you hear about the gay rabbit? He found a hare up his ass.
Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.
Enough Holocaust jokes. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. Just kidding. He was there though.
what phase is it called when a man with a fedora and trenchcoat realise they look stupid M'aturity
Do you know the story of a penguin that breathed with his ass? It sat down and died.
Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.
Why aren't there any knock-knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings. Bazinga!
One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.
Today I learned to count in Taiwanese... TaiWan, TaiTwo, TaiThree!
Did you hear the one.... Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son if you masterbate too much you'll go blind. The son looks at his dad and says, "Dad I'm over here!"
"Oh my god," said my wife, smiling, "our boy's...kicking." I said, "Yes, that's generally how football works."
Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Khakis In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive.
I went to the zoo but there was only one animal... it was a Shih Tzu.
what do you call twin chinese rappers? two chengs
My New Years resolution. Always HD 1080p I don't know why everyone keeps asking.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
A guy died from arteries clogging. The doctors' efforts were in vein.
ITT: Your best (or worst) puns. See all those crows flying over that woman with that loaf of bread? She's going to get murdered.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheburg.
Kenyan men are the best at long distance relationships.
My gf broke up with me.... She said, "It's okay we can still be cousins.."
What's Forrest Gumps Favorite Password? 1Forrest1
How do you know when it's midnight at Neverland Ranch? The big hand touches the little hand.
The new Tattoo parlor across the street is free if you show boobs... ...Tit for tat.
How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer!
What do you call pizza that isn't yours? Impersonal pizza
why does iron man act like a girl? he's a Fe male.
What did the ceiling fan say? YEEEEAAAAH! GO CEILING! YOU NUMBER ONE BABY! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!
I gave my dad a two handed high-five once when I was 10. I had to spend the next 12 years convincing him I wasn't gay.
what do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-oh acid
Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That's how words work people.
Don't smoke Unless you're on fire, then it's natural.
How do you say Philippines in Ebonics? Colombia
How can a can you double your money? By folding it in half.
The worst five words are "can I have a bite."
A patron kicked out of a bar. Who is a drunk and belligerent Alex Trebek?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is "I'm standing right behind you."
Why was the young vampire a failure?  Because he fainted at the sight of blood.
Woman: When my husband died... ...his dying wish was to be liquidised into perfume. Friend: It's so sad that he's gone. Woman: Well he's still here in essence.
What do you call a lion with Down's syndrome? A leotard.
Gandalf gave me a test... I didn't pass.
"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."
Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.- the place in any American city where you can be sure to find racial tolerance and understanding.
*queen points out window* "what's that flashing out the window?" "Lightning, My Queen" *car busts thru window* DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Q: Dad why do the singers rock left and right  while performing on stage? A: Because son it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
I almost got raped in jail one time. I tell you, my family takes Monopoly way too seriously.
*bites nails* Sorry. Bad habit. I haven't been on a date in a while "I can see why" she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends [dark] A Sandy hook survivor. C.o. my fucked up cousin
"I have no advice. I can't talk! I am a building." -Prison advice
3 guys walked into a bar... I was outside, i didn't see what happend...
WHITE GIRL: im not a dog person, im not a cat person, im a people person ME: (whispering to my dog) i think that means she owns slaves
A brother and sister are having sex The sister tells her brother: You are better than dad. To which the brother replies: I know, mom told me.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha teperature.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat - I don't think you understand people who eat you.
My books fell on my head last night.... I only have my shelf to blame. :(
Why did the blonde librarian sleep with a famous musician? She wanted a first edition of Moby's Dick.
[therapy] ME: *in tears* So anyway, that's why I think she left me PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
*sees couple holding hands* *violently breaks them apart* "Go. You're free now."
What doe you call a banana's grandmother? Banana-nana
If you don't drink... ...then all of your stories suck and end with, "And then I got home"
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
How does a gay man give a donation at the sperm bank? He farts in the cup.
THE ELI WUT IS ELIS MIDDLE NAME? THE SO IT IS ELI THE BASEKE
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He [ate his food, drank his tea, etc] before it was cool.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konnichihuahua
Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I was a bit of a nerd in high school. Instead of chasing girls I was studying philosophy My friends always said that I put Descartes before the whores.
Why do hipsters prefer to drink their PBR warm? So that they can say they liked it before it was cool.
I've never seen a dick over 5 inches. :/ Girl 1: I've never seen a dick over 5 inches. Girl 2: My friend is a dick and he's over 5'10".
Today i thought i saw a new color... but it turned out to just be a pigment of my imagination
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I just did my budget for June. If I don't buy food ... I won't need toilet paper. I think I'm on to something here.
How do you get a touchdown at Penn State? Introduce a boy with Down's Syndrom to Jerry Sandusky.
"Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job" [Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer's hand clean off]
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
What do pigs like with chow mein? Sooey sauce.
Have you ever eaten ethiopian food? No? Them neither
Why is Ashley Maddison the best hook up site on the Internet? Because everyone got fucked.
Q: Why are the citizens of Damascus so solemn when talking about oil? A: Because it's Syria's business. (cross-post from /r/funny by request)
My sex life is just like star wars: Its either Han Solo, or i have to use the force.
Q: Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? A: Because she was a plant eater!
NSFW: I just realized that I've never been with a black or middle eastern girl... So I added them to my fuckit list.
What do you call a place that you put an arrested caucasian gang member in? A white blood cell.
I'm working on a script for a horror movie. It's called *my diary*
Still waiting for the FedEx joke? OP didn't deliver.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
What did the hen say to his bar pals? Let's get some chicks!
I've finally understood the meaning of "politics" It's derived from "poly", the Greek word for "many", and "tics", a blood sucking parasite.
What was the Scientologist's favorite movie? The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Why, you ask? ... It was a cult classic!
One man's hoe is probably another man's hoe too.
What did earth say to the other planets? Wow, you guys have no life.
What is the most honest vegetable? Beetruet
What did the dog say when he chased his tail? This is the end.
Scientist1: You got any Sodium Hypobromite? Scientist2: NaBrO
Me. *Throws coat over a puddle* Her. "WTF are you doing with my coat?"
Jealous of how pineapples always have cool hair.
What has 4 eyes and cannot see? Mississippi.
Why are white girls so odd? Because they don't *even*.
See ya later, alligator. After a while, crocodile. Catch ya manana, little iguana.
Injections are just like your wedding night A little prick and then it's all over
What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line!
I don't want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.
I wanted a cat but the wife wanted a dog ... so we compromised and got a dog
Wait. I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was just a coloring book for dogs.
Auto-correct turned "likeable" into "lickable" and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.
Lame number joke: Why is 8 scared of 7? Becaauuuussseee 7 8(ate) 9. You get it huh?
I need your parent's phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer. Cause if I'm gonna crush on you, I'm doing it old school.
You now what's great about fucking twenty five year olds? There's twenty of them.
I've been sneaking clay, sand and mortar into my housemate's food... When they find out they'll shit bricks.
[at airport] TSA: sir, you've been randomly chosen for a cavity search. ME: that's cool i didn't know my flight included a dental cleaning
*interrupts your class* Girl sorry to embarrass you, but I wrote this for you *whips out guitar, fucks up intro* wait. *tries again* wait.
What is the last thing you want to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? 'I'm not Willie Nelson' Credit: old joke via: Norm Macdonald
My dancing style can best be described as "newborn gazelle being chased by lion."
Why can't people with ocd go poop? Because they're anal retentive!
Did you hear the one about Stevie Wonder? Neither did he
How do you get a fat chick in bed? A piece of cake.
What did the man order at the Indian restaurant? It's Naan of your business.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says 'We don't think you're smart enough for an office,but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
All Canadians are hipsters because they all celebrated Thanksgiving a month before it was cool.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
2 dyslexics robbing a bank. Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout: Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up.
Give a man a hamburger and you feed him for a day; teach a man to hamburgle and you feed him for a lifetime.
What is a grateful person's favorite number/letter combination? 10Q!
Remains to be seen... ...if glass coffins become popular.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say? This one really sucks.
The star singer of Gangnam Style should invent his own style of fashion/furnishing... He could call it **PSY Chic** ..He *knows* you'd like it.
What do you get if you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
"I hate the last two minutes of everything." - DVR
4: can you whistle? M: *whistles* 4: Here's a booger. M:... 4: Keep it forever. Have kids they said. It'll be fun they said. Liars.
Why do American beer companies always advise that their beer should be served cold? So you can tell it apart from urine
How do you spot a cheetah in the wild? You don't, they're already spotted!
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I'm white with a credit score of 720
Boat Bust.Out.Another.Thousand
Did you hear about the racist Mexican? He joined the que que que
Most of the 1800s was spent painting chubby chicks.
what do you call a gay dinosaur? megasoreass
2 Indian guys accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine... Both were rushed to hospital. One's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka.
Never marry a girl whose mother's name is Hope.... because 'Hope' never dies.
Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!
[on game show] Choose a door for a goat or a new car "I'll take door #2" You've won the car! *sees it's a Kia* "Can I have the goat instead"
Joke from my cousin Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!
Paris Hilton's IMDB page should only be accessible on April 1st.
Don't worry, it's not sexist! I'm half woman on my mothers side.
I do most of my parenting on Facebook. My kids post that they're smoking pot and having unprotected sex and I reply with a sad emoticon :-(.
The best thing about fucking 26 year olds is... there's 26 of them.
*slips seductively out of shorts* You know what that means... *sleeps soundly for 7 hours* *drools a little*
What's Donald Trump's favorite drug? Cuckaine
It all changed when my girlfriend got pregnant.... My name, my address, my phone number...
There was a birthday party at the homeless shelter It also had a poor punch line.
Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
A bomb went off in an ink factory... Everyone Dyed.
What do the Lannisters and Alice in Chains have in common? They pay their debts on time.
What did the dolphin say to the frog? Eeeee eeee eeeee ieeeee eeee eee. Dolphins don't talk dummy.
What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog? A fangfurther.
Why are so many Mathematicians vegetarians? Cos Lettuce
What is it called when Michael J. Fox smokes a joint? Shake N' Bake.
I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally pocket dialed me.
People play air guitar and don't get in trouble so I don't see why I was arrested for wearing air pants.
WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
Only 1490's kids will remember this *sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
CW: What did you do on the weekend? ME: I baked CW: Nice. What did you bake? ME: Me
Benedict Cumberbatch announced that he's really well known now To which I say "No shit, Sherlock."
What's the difference between BMWs and porcupines? Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
Why I love circular logic... Because I love circular logic!
"What's that in the bag?" "An AK-47." "No next to that." "A bag of cheetos." "You can't bring that into the movie."
Funny how you go in to get a face-lift to look younger but just end up looking like other women with face-lifts.
You might be a redneck If you think "Pearl Jam" is an oriental sex act
What do your mom and the Baltimore Police have in common? They both like giving nickel rides to black men!
After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me Now my muggings are more successful.
I once had some food cooked for me by a prostitute... ...it was a nice ho-made meal.
It's great to see that the French finally grew a pair of balls and took down a German Aircraft... but the war ended 70 years ago
Coordinate geometry is terrible. I failed the last test, but it turns out that the next unit continues it. Will I ever get distance from it?
How many Mexicans does it take to fit a lightbulb Juan
What do you get when a Catholic priest baptizes hay? You get a Christian Bale
How to pick up a girl Me: Are you interested in having the best sex of your life? Her: No. Me: Well then you came to the right place ;)
I was at a party playing guitar once and somebody asked me if I could play Wonderwall I said maybe
After getting picked on by a few lads at college, my mum offered to go down and sort it out. Now they can't bully me for never having a blowjob any more.
What do a Caucasian woman's breasts have in common with clouds? They're both white fluffy things that float high above the fruitful land where the seeds are planted. Source: Brandon Sanderson
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?  Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !
[gets on Facebook] [types "you pushed me away but expected me to stay"] [everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Old people poke me at weddings and tell me "you're next" So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
[terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.
What did one doctor say to the other doctor? "We're both doctors"
My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
What did Caesar say when he ran into his friend at a music lesson? "Etude, Brute?"
If someone's Twitter picture has 2 or more people in it, I write a letter to my senator.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
What happens when ducks fly upside down ?  They quack up !
What's the similarity between snooker and sex? If red covers pink, go for the brown.
Judge: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won't know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
What did Anne Frank say when she threw a ball at the water fowl's head? Duck!
Bugs Bunny goes to the doctors and the doctor sees him on his phone and asks him, "What are you doing on your phone?" Bugs Bunny replies, "Eh, Whatsapp Doc."
I once got so drunk I put shaving cream on my face & used an electric shaver. Then poured a glass of wine on my face b/c I had no aftershave
I was going to get a sex change. But I couldn't quite pull it off.
Dark: Whats one thing you can do in a vast quantity without bothering with the quality? Genocide
Hitler Maybe Hitler was just a fitness trainer and he was helping all the Jews burn a few calories
Black man kills conservative politician! The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after the third 'Ho'
Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match? Because he will always fold.
How do you become invisible? Get a child and then perform sex-altering surgery. Then you become a transparent.
Why did the duck get a red card? For fowl play.
Why didn't the two introverts go camping? Because it's two fucking in tents.
My brother used to think the suicide lane is for committing suicide. He only made the mistake once though
A woman walks in to a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre So he gave her one.
Can someone go to the gym and work out for me? I'm trying to finish this pint of ice cream. Thanks
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If you have bladder problems... Urine trouble
If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Why do feminists hate church music? Because of all the Hymns.
Have you seen the new movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet...
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I've been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.
What's beneath most Canadians? Most Americans
[phone sex] GF: Tell me you want me ME: I want you badly GF: How badly? ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
What is a suicidal Weebs favorite anime? Bleach.
The Force Awakens could have been much shorter. All the First Order had to do to get rid of the Resistance was to use a superconductor.
my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook...
So, a florist gave me the wrong flowers. I think they're called oopsie daisies.
*swivels around in evil chair* *evil laugh* *pets evil cat* *evil cat laughs* *jumps out of evil chair* "Holy shit, that cat just laughed!"
Anne Has A Problem Anne Has A Solution Anne Has A Will Anne Hathaway
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
What do you say when you leave the UAE? Dubai-bye!
Commercial for elbows: A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. "Why did I go with the cheap arms?!" Narrator: "Elbows"
I see your 'swagger' and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, "Big mistake. Big. Huge!"
Whats the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? SNOWBALLS!!!!
Horses make the best companions Because they have stable relationships.
Why don't you hear any knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
Nazi jokes are so offensive Anne Frankly, I find them immature.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
What sort of net is useless for catching fish ? A football net !
Women have closets full of I have nothing to wear.'
There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.
So an Irishman walks out of a bar That's it.
If the Pope dies, does this means he got a promotion or he got fired?
Tell me, "everything happens for a reason" so I know you're an idiot.
I may not be perfect but I am always me.
Why would the cannibal only eat babies? He was on a diet!
How do Jedi plan for retirement? With a Hoth IRA. I'll see myself out.
Be honest, do you think I could pull off tax evasion, or is it only cool when rich people do it?
I'm thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin
HI I SPIT GUM OUT OF MY CAR ON THE FREEWAY AND IT BLEW BACK IN MY EAR 911: Sir, u need to pull over WHAT 911: Use your other ear, sir WHAT
What day does the egg fear most? Fry-day
yes lassie? "bark" Timmy's in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn't get mad "bark" smart
I slept so good last night.. It was like I was on a date with Bill Cosby.
What's the hardest thing that every snowboarder has to do in his life? Tell his mom and dad that he's gay.
Odds are there is someone who is your "Facebook Friend" that you absolutely cannot stand and the only reason you keep them on your list is to watch their slow untimely demise.
"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon....Little boy blue and the man on the moon" ...Drugs in the 70's must've been AWESOME!
Any ideas for how I can repair some torn duct tape?
'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted" A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What don't you want to hear after performing oral sex on Willie Nelson? I'm not Willie Nelson.
Too many people are obsessing over Frozen. They need to let it go
So there's this mollusk And he walks up to the sea cucumber and he says, "With knees like these, who needs anemones!"
Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.
Why don't bees go to church? Because they are in sects.
I heard there are strength in numbers... Try telling that to 6,000,000 Jews
Why is oral sex with your wife like being interviewed by the police? One slip of the tongue and your in the shit.
Who the patron saint of surveillance? St Francis of a CCTV.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today's the day! #LaborDay
What do you call five blondes in a pool? Air bubbles.
My neighbor was a vampire When I stabbed her in the heart with a wooden stake, she died.
Where do white supremacists go shopping? KKK-Mart.
Why were the Seven Dwarfs kicked out of the bar? Because they were Miners... XD
What do read heads get when they don't brush their teeth? Gingervitis Edit: redheads. I am a disgrace.
Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Running down the motor-way, A lorr-ie comes the other-way, Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Splat-Man!
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard, I was just laid by a chick.
i heard they were giving away batteries down the local discount store turns out they were free of charge.
This 14 yr old girl in the news that is being frozen cryogenically, her Mother wanted to comply with her wishes, but her Father didn't... Does he just have to let it go?..
I can hear everything you're mumbling under the duct tape. Yes, I will marry you.
The Iron Chef judge who said flavors "explode" in her mouth is so inconsiderate. Now I can't hear the show over my own adolescent giggling.
When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it's going to end badly for everyone.
The water from a drinking fountain tastes like pennies and mumps.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman... ..."I want you to call me David Hoff". The barman replies: "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman's skin without sounding like I want to wear it
A man's Wife says that she wants something that goes from 0-180 in under 10 seconds.. The man leaves for a moment and then returns with the scale from their bathroom.
Once upon a time, a rabbit went bald... ...and he was so embarrassed that he ran away. He was hare today, gone tomorrow.
I've heard a lot of good puns in my day but.... the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.
Why did the guitarist leave his guitar on the ground? It didn't have any pickups
*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke* McDonald's Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?
When I was a kid, we had our own personal chef Chef Boyardee
How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
An Irishman walks out of a bar... hey, it could happen!
Teacher: "Name six wild animals" Pupil:"Four elephants and two lions !"
I didn't fail my calculus test.... I just gave "alternative" answers on a few problems.
i'd tell a joke about food but... It'll be of bad taste
God: "MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE." Moses: "New burning bush. Who dis?"
How do you get info from a french dude? You est-ce que question
John Cena wakes up from coma Cena: Where am I? Nurse: I C U Cena: No you don't
My cousin Denise's baby Alpo was born with no feet and a full adult penis because she drank Four Loko when she was pregnant :(
It seems the amount of coffee you drink... increases the amount of times you need to visit the toilet excrementally.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Two men were talking about their wives The first man says "My wife is an angel." The second man says "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
What's the difference between OP and Fed-Ex?
ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly, there's no way anyone could misinterpret it. THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Boss "Are you high?" If I was high could I do this? *opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.
I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
did you hear about the Indian restaurant that ran out of bread? it was a naan issue sorry
What do you call a big black rat that steals all your food? A Rat-Coon Hope you guys are light hearted enough to not be offended.
ME: I lied in my interview. BOSS: what was the lie? ME: all lies. except about my aunt. BOSS: she wants to party with me? ME: big time.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn't mean to eat it. I don't want to be a bug.
what kind of vegetable is the hypest a turnup obvs
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness... ...and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?
How do you get out of Sunday school? You tell your mom you're Sikh.
How do you get a musician off of your porch? You pay for the pizza.
*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup I'll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito? Patrons: HE'S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
Why can't Jesus play hockey? He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...
The demolition workers performed at the workers event last night. Heard they brought down the house with their act.
What do you get when you cross a JOKE with a RHETORICAL QUESTION?
What's the difference between an Irishman and a bottle of whiskey? The whiskey usually doesn't get drunk until it's at least ten years old.
What did Donald Trump said to Obama's supporter? Orange Is The New Black
Man: You've been very loyal but it's best we part ways Dog: I don't understand. What's the problem? Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Today we celebrate the birthday of a man who changed the way we see and understand the magic of the universe. Happy Birthday Isaac Newton.
Did you hear about the woman who had twelve boobs? Sounds fake, dozen tit?
What do you call a swashbuckler when he noticed you? A senpairate.
What car do rich black people drive? A Countach
There have been a lot of pro nazi posts on here lately Anne Frankly I'm sick of it
I came back from war to find out that I had missed the birth of my wife's second child. Turns out, I also missed the conception.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must've been in the bathroom
A woman always worries about the things that men forget and men always worry about the things women remember.
*unplugs 100% charged iphone* *slides to unlock* battery 43%
What do you call a bunch of white dudes sitting on a bench? The NBA
Pizza Hut ad: "Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?" Think about these words.
What is dry on the outside filled with water and blows up buildings ? A fish tank !
Did you guys hear about the serial killer who's using smaller and smaller socks to strangle each new victim? Be careful, they say he's still at large.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I made it with my really hot math teacher? couldn't really brag about it at the time 'cause I was home schooled...
Why are socially-aware western tourists avoiding Nice, France for their late-summer getaways? All that Muslim hatred can really run you down.
Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed... ...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
What happened when Justin Bieber went to Michael Jackson's house? Nothing, Michael liked boys.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I'M IN A GANG NOW.
Composed a mixtake with a few bars of silence in the woods. Call it a four rest fire.
Does advertisement work? Just did.
Yo mamma so fat... When you download a picture of her at work, the IT department thinks they're under a DDoS attack.
What was the last pizza the twin towers had? A plane one.
"I've got toes in different area codes." - Ludacris steps on a land mine
What do accountants suffer from that  ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him. His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.
Taking candy from an American baby is, like, really hard.
I got a secret! I got a secret! Whiskey: Not anymore.
I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
Why do most people from Russia wear track suits? Because they are Russin'
How do you find a velociraptor? By taking the integral of the acceleraptor! Me: http://imgur.com/H8rLjub Everyone else: http://imgur.com/J3hC4Ci
Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything... Because you're at an all-time low. (Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)
The ratio of guys to girls in my friend group Is undefined!
How do you find a drug dealer donkey? Just follow his coke mules.
What illness makes you sneeze on your laptop screen? A computer virus!
me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things? zookeeper: what? no me: I choose...the polar bear zookeeper: why would you choose that
"You got a friend in me" - your friend's girlfriend
Knock knock Who's there? Owls . . . Owls who? Yes they do
A rough, hard drinking baseball umpire was upset because he couldn't get his little boy to sit on his lap and talk to him. After all, the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
Post the most offensive jokes you can think of The child abuser motto: hit them before puberty does
A doe walks out of a forest... and says "Well I'll never do that for a buck again."
A lady centipede crosses her legs..... ....."For the one hundredth time, NO!"
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.
I put 1 ball in my pocket. But, my friend found 3.
When someone tells you that the integers are a more useful set of numbers than the natural numbers, stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn't invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Barbie ! Barbie who ? Barbie Q !
Q: Why was the chicken happy? A: Everything was eggcellent.
What do you call an all panda furry orgy? Panda-moan-ium
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We're not crime-fighting crusaders. We're buying stamps.
Q: How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears? A: As many bears as Bear Grylls' grill can bear.
Policeman: Why are you driving that car in circles? Driver: I was just going for a little spin.
WebMD just diagnosed me as fergalicious
The Expendables 2 Review: I haven't seen that much shooting in a movie since I went to watch The Dark Knight Rises.
"Why haven't you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
What do you call Russian trees? Dimitrees
pranks,magic,blog,and awsome!!! SUBSCRIBE!!!!!!
Why do Mexicans walk around school like they own the place? Their Father built the place and their Mother cleans it.
Why was the radioactive food going to taste bad? The meal would fallout of flavor.
Here's how science works..,, if it's not your idea you think it's insane. Thank you, I'll be here all night! #science #joke
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn't work out as you hoped ME: Well I got two English degrees
I'm trying to think of a good algebra joke but I cant find the right angle...
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
im the funny guy that shouts "remix!" every time a cd skips, buy my stand up comedy digital download online at my web site
With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
RIPE David Bowie People are treating it as a rock and roll suicide Edit: rip not ripe ;-;
NASCAR Fight after race Any one notice that NASCAR gave out suspensions and 6 figure fines (&amp;no drivers) and then they use it to promote Sundays race in AZ Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I did a stand up routine on fonts, but nobody laughed I'm a Comic, Sans the humor.
What did the Metis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election? They though it was Riel funny!
What do you call some who is afraid of Santa? Clausetrophobic. I'm here all week.
Why do they call it a "roach clip"? Cause "pot holder" was taken.
Have you heard the one about the three holes? WELL, WELL, WELL...
*Jesus drinking at a bar* *jesus orders another drink* "jesus you're too drunk I can't give you anymore" Kan I jst haev a water? "nice try"
So i went to the zoo the other day, but there was only 1 animal there. It was a Shih Tzu
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher... To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire. Coming soon to AMC: "BAKING BRAD"
Looting has hit London's Covent Garden Specifically the new Apple Store. Police are looking for iWitnesses.
A scottish man walks out of a bar...
Youtube criticism police in a nutshell No.
In Photoshop, is there any way to make it look like I'm not dead inside?
"Look at what came in the mail today!" "That damn horny mailman again?"
Did you hear about the new Home for Paraplegic Women I hear the place is crawlin with broads
What's batmans favourite fruit? Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na grapefruit.
Humpty Dumpty Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?! Netflix: Because you watched "The Wedding Planner"
What do you call the entrance to a brothel? Hodor
How many Indians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Your laughter is important to us. You punchline will be delivered in the order in which it was requested.
*looks under bed* *checks closet* *shuts light, runs to bed* *pulls covers over head* *ice maker dumps ice* *dies from cardiac arrest*
What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs? Irrelephant.
I asked a few girls if they wanted to have a foursome... They said no. So I forced them
I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I'm so excited.
How is Trump going to deport the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.
Why don't native Americans like snow? Because it's white and all over their land.
What do you call a little person who can talk to ghosts and just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
How many guys does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
How much does wood cost? About tree fiddy.
An 8 year old and his uncle walk deep into the woods... The 8 year old turns to his uncle and says "I'm scared." The uncle responds " you think your scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"
What's organic dental floss? Pubic hair!
Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women. But unfortunately most of them spit it out.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn't seem to be working
If there was a mathematical equation to describe social justice warriors... It would be a really nice log. An ideal log.
*on the phone Him: where are you?! Me: I'm just waiting for the train Him: hurry up Me:...no problem. I'll be waiting faster
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
What did Noah tell his son while they were fishing? Better get this right, I only have 2 worms.
If the rumors about Apple manufacturing a driverless car... Then I can't wait to drive into the middle of the Atlantic ocean!
What does IDK mean? I've yet to find someone who knows.
I just seen a black guy walk through a spiderweb and hands down it was the best impression of a white man dancing I've ever seen.
Where you do see yourself in five years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision!
Did you know there are 260 bones in the human body? Want one more?
An Irishman and Two British men Walk into a bar.......
Twitter... it's for the birds!
What did the woman say to her husband who constantly turns the heater up way too high? "This is why we can't have ice things!"
Did you hear about the new housing being built where dwarves can live at no charge? It's called the "Stayfree Mini Pad"
How does Pinocchio's father know when his son tells a lie? He just nose it.
No one ever mentions the 1000 miles of trouble free luxury cruising before the iceberg.....
I thought about doing anal But I figured my dick has gotten me in enough shit already
I was thinking of becoming a banker ... But I lost interest
A Termite Walks into a Bar and asks, "hey, where's the bar tender?"
What do you get when you mix a mouse with some laundry detergent? Squeaky clean clothes.
I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke? You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good'?" first.
Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that's his way of telling you he won't pay child support.
My Grandma told me today that men were much more charming when she was young... I told Grandma that that was because they aren't trying to fuck her anymore.
I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine" [ c/o /u/jubileo5 ]
A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?" He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Everyone is talking about how good this Mayweather is. I couldn't agree more; it's 75 and not a cloud in the sky.
Ive noticed that black people love boomboxes Im not racist or anything, its just their stereotype
What do you call four drowning Mexicans? Cuatro cinco
"guns don't kill people, guns CREATE people!" *fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
Frankly, I find that Blackberrys are insensitively named and I'm starting a petition to have them renamed African-Americanberrys.
What do you call a singing group trio of pre-op Trannies? Chixie Dicks
Me: I can't live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier. Also Me: I couldn't decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, all the grils have fled, so with [this](http://i.imgur.com/jKdoV69.jpg) I'll just have to make do.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken Sedan.
What do you call a person from South America with a walking assist? Mexicane.
i put the ":/" in "http://".
What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant.
My wife told me she wanted kinky sex... So I gave her the ghomeshi
Why was Moses' wife angry? He gave her the burning bush.
just got my deaf friend drunk and he's slurring fingers so bad right now
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Why shouldn't you tell secrets on the farm? The corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino's Frozen Pizza.
Diner: Waitress the portions are getting smaller. Waiter: It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the restaurant has been enlarged.
If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
I could've built a school in Africa with the amount of time I've spent uncapitalizing letters in texts to seem cool.
What do you call glass cookware from Jamaica? Pyrex of the Caribbean
Why are black people so tall? Cuz their knee grows.
What do you call large number of cannibals stranded on an island? A *free-for-all-you-can-eat.*
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What do you call it when a vegetable suffers heart failure? A hearti*choke*. ... :D
What doesn't kill you just makes you injured and really pissed off.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don't really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
Whats a Joke with no Punchline? Life
This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness! That's scary! It means 75% are running around untreated!
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have? That's correct. A black eye and broken hand.
What is the slowest racehorse in the world ?  A clotheshorse !
What do owls sing when it is raining ? 'Too wet to woo' !
Did you hear about the three-legged dog that never won an argument? He didn't have a leg to stand on.
This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.
What did Mexico City say to his father before he left for college? Ciudad...
What does a Seal drink at a bar? Anything but Canadian Club..
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.
Anyone heard of that movie "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet though. ....
(Disney Dating Tips) 1.Kidnap Dad 2.Coerce Daughter 3.Awkward music-filled dates 4.Angry mob danger 5.Stockholm Syndrome -Beauty & the Beast
Have you ever wondered what would happen... if a virgin rooster layed a fertilized egg at the top of an infinite staircase?
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law? I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
i just read this article...did you know 50% of asian business men have cataracts... the other half drive rincoln towncars
They're a pack of lions He's some guy who hates lions Together, they're: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE This fall on CBS
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Mr Smith? Mr Smith went to Washington
There's a queue for the whore house. A guy walks up, fists flying... ... He punches up the fuckline.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Have any of you heard about the magician who was driving home? He turned into a driveway.
What's the difference between a  surgeon and a puppy? If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.
If you every lose a friend that party's a lot don't worry... They'll eventually turn up
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic
My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a condom after. She's getting the raw end of that deal!
My Archimedes Heel is Greek references
I'm not usually a prick but when I am, I try to be like Donald Trump
I'm no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If a stranger catches you taking their photo, let them know it's okay by softly saying, "Don't worry, this is just for me"
Doctor asks a prostitute, do you know who the father is? prostitute replies. Oh for goodness sakes If you ate a can of baked beans would you know which one made you fart?
Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you're done destroying the Earth? 'Cause I assume you've thought that through.
Just sang & made up multiple lyrics w/ actions to "If you're happy & u know it" for thirty minutes... In case u need help writing that novel
I bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I 've been tripping all day!
Yog see woman Yog ask woman out Yog go on date Yog fall in love Yog act like an idiot Yog get dumped Yoghurt.
Knock knock Who's there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Explain joke What do they say about the noise at the Burger Land Super Bowl? It's PAN-demonium!
The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....? Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.
What was Amanda Todd's favourite anime? Naruto.
If you've ever written an uppercase "L", you've drawn 1/4 of a swastika. Way to go, racist!
I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry. Good heavens! Does it hurt? Only when I wind it.
Hope Rod Stewart knows that Maggie May stopped listening to the song when he sang, "The morning sun in your face really shows your age."
Girl, you must be Saint Peter... Cuz you've denied me three times already.
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
I made an app that tells you were people with dwarfism are at all times. I can't be the only one thinking of the imp-locations.
Not all math puns are bad Just sum
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Its white and on their land.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
A woman turns to her brother and says: "Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?" "It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" _Love it._
I accidentally dropped one of my husband's Viagra into my contact solution and now I'm cockeyed.
mom: no TV for a week! dad: and after you take a bath you can't use your hands to get out of the tub *sons jaw drops* mom: [whispers] nice
What is the difference between a Lannister and a Greek? A Greek never pays his debts.
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.
Fidelity is overrated. If you look at the history, who has the most fun? Infidels.
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died? He pasta way. His legacy will become a pizza history.
This girl told me she could sing like a harp But she turned out to be a lyre.
What do Driving Testers and Vegetarians have in common? They are both very pedantic
The problem with grammar nazis? They're anti-semantic.
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.
Why do Leprechauns laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls.
Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we'll sleep in a tent and pee outside. Is he mad at me?
What's a rednecks favorite part of archaology? Relative dating
So if you never eat meat or dairy you must never throw up, because what happens in Vegans--ow stop hitting me.
*SNAP* *wife screams* *walks over to me* *cups my face with her hands* *looks me in the eye* "why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"
obama canceled the moon exploration program! now we'll never know why it keeps disappearing every month
I offered a homeless man the rest of my Pumpkin Spiced Latte.. He said "No thanks. I'm homeless, not a fag."
My best joke Cloid
I like my violence how I like my beer... Domestic.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her...
I do have a swimmers body, he's been in my trunk for days
That awkward moment when your phone auto-corrects "I wanna do it" to "I wanna donut" because it knows you're fat.
I used to go out with a Jewish girl The sex was Unorthodox
A peanut was walking down a dark alley He got a-salted
Why is Daredevil not a part of the Avengers? Because he doesn't work with Vision
I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter "y"... ...when I had to type "analytics" into the search bar during a presentation at work.
*turns on shower* *gets undressed* *checks TL real quick* *floods the entire neighborhood*
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being raped by a giant scorpion..
My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.
Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
Harassment. So a teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence. A boy stood up and said, "Ok this is easy. I met a beautiful girl one day and harassment a lot to me"
Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer? to get to the other side.
What do you call a flying Jew? [NSFW] Smoke.
Did you hear the one about the gay cleptomaniac magician? He disappeared with a poof.
*approaches your table* Magic trick? *I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*
I recently visited Japan It was great until I confused Kabuki with Bukake. Slightly messier and more dudes...which is odd cause I thought Kabuki is an all male thing.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They take things literally.
*shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
What goes 99 clonk, 99 clonk, 99 clonk? A centipede with a wooden leg! *^^Joke ^^I ^^found ^^in ^^the ^^Tokyo ^^Ghoul ^^tag ^^on ^^Tumblr, ^^my ^^brother ^^loves ^^this ^^one!*
Sports injury Last night on ESPN I was watching Women's beach volleyball. About three minutes into the game, there was a really bad wrist injury. The doctor said I should be fine in a few days though.
Where was Bill Clinton during his presidency? He was right between the Bushes.
my new year resolution is 1080p thanks please make this go viral so my ex gf stephanie sees it steph if ur reading this please take me back
Obama is a lot like college Everyone wants four more years, but nobody wants to pay for it.
"I thought that too, but I didn't say it out loud, because I'm not a racist." - a racist
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I've been shot in the arm.
My mother's maiden name is Password
What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol? My record is 21 years.
What does supervillain Black Man need to do to escape the crime scene? Turn off all the lights.
How does Jesus stay in shape? He does crossfit.
Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."
Why did the witch keep turning people into Mickey Mouse? She was having Disney spells.
Liverpool have went from SAS to LOLS From Suarez and Sturridge to Lallana Origi Lambert Sturridge
That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.
If you are what you eat I'm a small family of ladybugs :)
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.
what did one snowman say to the other snowman? can you smell carrots?
HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA GET YOUR VACCINE AT WALGREENS TODAY
I asked my mom where she went to get groceries and if she would tell me if anyone died in game of thrones. She said... Jons, no
The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
What do Cerial killers drink? milk
I don't see why everybody wants a white iPhone... Everyone knows the black ones run faster!
Necrophilia joke How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac? He's always HARD at work.
The real question Am i the only one who thinks that porn websites should end in .cum instead of .com?
I don't make typos. I make new words.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa? I thought he didn't care about the 1%
But baby, if you didn't want me climbing in your window, why'd you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?
My 13 yo niece is "experimenting with alcohol" according to my dad. Like she's keeping a ledger of her findings. "12/21/09: Scotch. Woo!"
Did you hear about the Brooklyn bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?
My ex still misses me... Yesterday I narrowly dodged a .22 round discharged at long range.
I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.
What is the definition of safe sex for rednecks... Making sure you brand all the sheep that kick
You follow me. I follow you. You unfollow me. I unfollow you. You follow me. I follow you. You unfollow me. I block you. "A Game of Phones"
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
My need for caffeine is so bad I'm going to AA for the free coffee
So a friend and I Are going to a cafe for brunch. She asked "Do you think I should get together with Josh? You are like an 8ball to me." I replied "What about me?"
I used to date a baker... But she was too kneady.
What's the difference between Mexicans and Jesus? Jesus doesn't have tattoos of Mexicans all over *his* body.
Feminism thats the joke
It goes without saying, that...
Somewhere in Brooklyn there's a baby named Helvetica being fussy about eating pureed kale and sleeping in his crib of repurposed bike parts.
Q.What are the worst six years in a  blonde's life? A: Third Grade.
I tried talking to this hot girl and she put her hand up and said I only think with my dick So I told her to blow my mind, then.
Just saw a car with "Just Married" on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. Going for a crap could spell trouble.
An Irishman goes for a job as a blacksmith He's asked "have you ever shoed a horse before?" "No but I have told a donkey to fuck off"
What did Mexican Anakin say when he heard about the Catholic Priest sex scandals? Now *this* is Padre sin!
How many gnats does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It only takes two, but the trick is getting them in the lightbulb.
Why did the drill sergeant get a dishonorable discharge? He couldn't keep his hands off his privates
I'm optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
What's Paul McCartney's favourite food? Maccaroni
science jokes two chemists walk into a bar, the first one says "I'll have H20" the second one says "I'll have H20 two" the second chemist dies.how did he die? tell me in the comments
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
British seasons: Spring: Two months Summer: Eight minutes Autumn: Three weeks Winter: Seven years
Why do they have fences around cemetaries? Because people are dying to get in.
What's a dancer's favorite type of water? Tap water
Which faction in Divergent has the largest number of lamborghinis? Erudite because they like knowledge a lot more than materialistic things
Why do Christians like Swiss cheese? It's holey.
Trump gets elected president.. On inauguration day, he swears in as President. Before delivering his inauguration speech, he turns to Obama and says "President Obama, You're Fired"
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Broken Bungee Barbie ...Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement
How Dave Grohl spent his night in his hotel room after the concert in Gothenburg, Sweden? He watched movie Cast Away (starring Tom Hanks) and ate some potato chips.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I'm ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Did you hear bout that mafia goon who crossdressed as a female servant? He was a maid man.
What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Putting the wheelchair in the oven
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you're a dime.
[Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this
Man who run behind truck... get exhausted!
Q:What is the population of Antarctica A: All white.
My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray. First, she wants me to become a billionaire.
Know what stops the Bern? Preparation H!
What's the difference between news of the US elections and Madeleine McCann? News of the elections is getting old.
What do all the sexy ladies of r/gonewild have in common? Daddy issues
Can't remember the last time I said Happy Birthday using my actual voice.
The joke's not here.... It's in the comments.
Pauly D from Jersey Shore was at the Dance party where Chuck Norris invented the Electric Slide. His hair is now permanently stuck in a blowout position.
What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common? They both love a tight seal!
How do you fit 100 Jews in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 1 in the boot and the rest in the ashtray.
What is ISIS's favorite mathematical operation? Square Root. Anything it is applied to becomes radicalized.
FIFA 16 joke. fifa 16 is going to feature women players for the first time, apparently in the consumables section you will be able to purchase tampons alongside contracts and chemistry styles.
Ayy, lets get the denk jokes up in here. ONLY THE DANKEST OF THE DANK (this is my first post)
I'd Like to Make A Pun About Weed, But... I don't want to be blunt about it
In my past life I was a turtle... It is all slowly coming back to me.
If ANY part of my body touches the shower liner, I call in sick to work.
Why is the U.S dollar getting stronger? Fiscal therapy
My penis has a warning label... It says "Warning! Choking hazard...small parts."
What would you have if your car's  motor was in flames? A fire engine.
The reason why Scientology can't be a religion? There are no 1,000,000 people that died because of Scientology.
I got a new pair of gloves today but they're both 'lefts' Which, on the one hand, is great
What's the internal tempered of a Taunton? Luke warm
The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men.
I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.
I used to have a problem choking on my food all the time Now I only eat cheerios and life savers
Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks? Because his number couldn't fit in their phones
You know where the most original posts on reddit are? /r/Jokes
Star Wars: A New Hope Star Wars: Return of the Jobs Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Cash
I'm not saying I'm a jinx But the first time I played Tetris the first thing that dropped for me was a circle
Where do military chaplains buy their regalia? At the army surplice store.
How come in math we are always solving for x? Because with my ex, I'm always trying to solve for why.
ppl: are u sick? me: no, im just ugly
My British friend Julian Wang just bought his first automobile We call it the Wang car. //needs work
How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
Build a man a fire... and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I'm good at making friends. Wait, that's not right. Correction: I'm good at making friends up.
What is the scientific term for the useless skin surrounding the vagina? A woman https://youtu.be/8DYje57V_BY
*Takes off clothes *Enters meeting room naked *Coworkers gasp in horror *Slowly backs out of room [whispers] "you said debriefing"
My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
How did the 5-year old girl fall off of the tire swing? Somebody shot her.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Ima dad that got his hairs cut yesterday. I felt a bit lightheaded this morning
There's a new dating site for bestiality enthusiasts It's called Petfinder.com
What's the heaviest Chinese food? wonton :3
How do you make estrogen? Don't pay her.
What type of shoes to pedophiles wear? White Vans.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts!"
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall? Damn!
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger become after he resigned as Governor of California? An ex-terminator.
Give me your best golf joke. I work with a guy who claims he's heard ever golf joke there is. So far he's been correct, and has known every joke I've thrown his way.
I'm so glad none of my friends are gay Because they're safe
Pissed off? Punch a wind chime and you'll feel better.
Nigel: You said the school dentist would be painless but he wasn't. Teacher: Did he hurt you? Nigel: No but he screamed when I bit his finger.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous, but... when I tap on the window late at night dressed as a clown, they scream and call the cops.
If sober me won't do it...drunk me will.
What's Hitler's least favorite planet? Jewpiter
The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls. All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
Today's so hot it was offered a lucrative recording contract even though it can't sing
When I grow up I want to make two Rugrats pornos... Rugrats: All Grown Up &amp; Rugrats Go Wild.
Difference between a Batsman and Batman? Batsman hits the ball. Out. Batman kicks the balls out.
Apparently a dog whistle in inaudible to the human ear. Just think, my pet could be sitting in front of me whistling a tune and I can't hear a thing.
Why do girls wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
JFK jokes aren't funny yet And that just blows my mind
What do my ex and a box of chocolate have in common? They kill my dog.
What does this joke's punchline &amp; a 50 foot penis have in common? You can see them coming from miles away.
What do you call a city full of neckbeards? M'tropolis
Hi, I'm from Brazil and I can't go to the backyard, I'm afraid my german shepherd will laugh instead of bark at me...
I hate menstruation jokes They're a bloody pain.
What is the volume of a disk with radius z and height a? Pi * z * z * a
What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry!
I'm thinking of becoming one of those hot girl accounts where you show like 70% of your face and tweet about your period and wolves
What's long and hard? The sock under my bed.
Did you know light travels faster than sound? That's why some people appear bright (until you hear them talk).
My investment plan is to accumulate enough of the bank's pens to offset my overdraft fees.
Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver ready to get home
Covering your ears and screaming "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN" is not appreciated by your coworkers. Apparently.
[OC] What do you call a rodent that sells illegal guns? An Armadealer
Latvian Joke Stop. Please.
When I'm on my phone & I select, copy, but then I don't paste, I oddly gain a sensation that something then remains glued to my thumb.
TIFU while having sex on an elevator Hey-ooo
DUDE: first of all ME: oh shit this dude's about to make more than one point
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we're both a little disappointed that it didn't work.
A Morning After pill but for over eating.
My wife likes to talk to me after sex... It's great, I've got a special ringtone set up and everything.
What's the difference between a chick pea and potato? I've never paid $50 to have a potato on my face.
Girls only date me to further their careers... Damn archeologists and paleontologists!
It's been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver :(
In 1987 Bernie Sanders wrote a folk album titled "we will overcome" At the same time Donald Trump wrote an album called "we will over-comb"
Science joke An ion walks into a bar, "Just you tonight, sir?" "No, I'm waiting on one more."
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
Two reddit admins walk into a bar [deleted]
What do the Catholic Church and a bucket of shit have in common? Neither supports gay marriage.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? To avoid being mistaken for feminists.
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese women? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
Bono and a Lightbulb How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three to screw it in and Bono to explain it to the world.
Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape  money? It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!
What did the black kid with diarrhea say to his mom? Help! I'm melting!
What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday? I'll column later.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I didn't know what happiness was until I got married. But by then it was too late.
YYZ was the first song I ever learned -Said no drummer ever.
Humans first started practicing circumcision over 15,000 years ago. There were a lot less complaints once they mastered it.
Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?  He wanted to improve his bite.
The buildup of carbon emissions in the atmosphere is a great icebreaker.
Gluten Margarine, Reddit! That's Food-German for "good morning".
I'm opening a restaurant called "It doesn't matter, whatever you want" since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My love life I have found that invisible girlfriends are the way to go... Because then you know no one else is seeing her....
A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief... Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.
"What a nut job" I exclaimed, on my first day as President of Almonds
3 y/o: I want a bagel Me: We don't have any 3 y/o: You're a idiot Me: How did you survive your abortion
SHE sells sea shells by the seashore. HE thinks selling shells is the next big thing. THIS FALL zoey deschabl & bemdict cumblach are, IDIOTS
What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy? Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.
My father found the cure for gonorrhea. It was under the TV guide where he left it.
cindy and president cindy to his friend" me and the president of the country are equal" "how?"his friend asked "look i dont go his home and he dont come my home" cindy replied
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Girls are like Blackjack I aim for 21, but I always hit on 14
I have a friend called 'Tiba' Sometimes I think he's a bit backwards
Who died and left the US in charge? Hitler.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I'm sorry I can't go out tonight because of the internet.
Fairytales You know what the two most known fairytales start with? "Once upon a time" and, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."
Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that's where I hide my Oreos.
How was my engagement the same as my divorce? In the end, I settled.
I don't think there will ever be an edible version of scrabble. And if there is, I'm going to have to eat my own words.
Since reddit is nearing its demise, how do i cash out my gold? All 0 of it.
What did the neutrino say to the planet? Just passing through
Sorry I haven't tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
When I was a kid, I liked to lay face down in the snow with a boner and make "snow girlfriends."
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... ...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
just hugged a box of sterile gloves because they can never have baby gloves and that's hard to accept.
I need Bill Belicheck jokes pledge task please help
What's 6 inches long and starts with a P? A shit.
I was sitting in traffic the other day... and I got run over.
I'm single with no kids. I don't answer to anyone. "Meow." Okay! I'm opening the can now! Please don't shred the toilet paper again!
While getting ready to leave on trip, I was trying to get my wife to hurry up. She says "Why are you rushin'?" Too which I replied "Because my grandpa is from Moscow." Duh..
Is there absolutely nothing in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?
Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are Me: trust me u dont
Dentist to parsimonious patient "No we give no discount for empty spaces when cleaning and polishing teeth Mrs. Borde!"
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a limo? A hedgehogs got pricks on the outside.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing.
My dog. My fucking dog got neutered. Now he's just my dog.
[first date] HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing? ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight.... It's probably not a good night to go to jail....
Love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas like that matters when deciding what to buy & feed a pet who eats its own vomit.
My Bucket List * ~~Five gallon bucket~~ * ~~Mop bucket~~ * Bucket hat
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it's a Star Trek Communicator - we're trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
What's 12 inches long and snaps a cunt? A selfie stick
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're stuck up bitches.
Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.
canadian bacon is just like regular bacon but with health insurance and a passion for hockey.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn't made me look insane 10,000 times.
They're not all brilliant, but they're all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
What do you call someone who keeps trying the same thing again and again, yet expects different results? A weapons designer for the First Order.
[hiding in pantry from murderer] [quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Sorry I'm late, someone showed me an otter video, and then I looked up more otter videos for like half an hour.
Does Al Pacino think that he's getting paid by the decibel?
My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!
How do you measure love? In hertz!
I'm really good at making jazzy versions of rap songs in my bathroom but I don't know how to put that on my resume so I'll just demonstrate?
Cinco de Mayo is when all the single white women in your office go out for margaritas after work and loudly call each other "hooker."
All my scars & bruises tell a story. The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he's drunk.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? At least the pimple waits until you are 14 before it cums on your face.
Racism is not a joke Lol, JKKK
My girlfriend has been waiting for me to finish my book about old clocks for ages. When I finally gave it to her, all she said was "It's about time!?"
Did you hear about the Mexican carpet salesman? He was sacked for only selling Underlay!
What do you call a mexican with two dads? No mames!
Why should sailors eat crabapples? For the vitamin sea.
If Ben Franklin was a Nazi, how would he have discovered electricity? By frying kikes.
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub... Barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"
You know what they say about cows in the Bermuda Triangle... They moo in mysterious waves
Today I locked myself out of my car after dropping off my girlfriend at the local Planned Parenthood The worst part was having to go in and ask for a coat hanger
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?'
wanna hear a joke about pizza? NEVERMIND... its too cheesy
So what do you guys think my odds are of getting hit by a car if I went out on my road bike right now? 4/20?
Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.
When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport. Where it goes is up to you.
Someone stole your tiny Stradivarius? Aw, poor baby, I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you. It's, uh, a different one. Gotta go.
Based on the amount of tools I've dated, you'd think I got a deal at The Home Depot
What do you call a candelabra that refuses to hold candles? A candle-nah-brah
My father in law is one of those "deep sigh until someone asks what's wrong" kind of women.
Q: Who is Bigger? Mister Bigger or Master Bigger? A: Master Bigger, because he is little Bigger.
How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts Wi' jamin.
So apparently Richard III will remain in that parking lot they found him in. Because nobody can afford to pay his ticket.
The yard. Son: Dad! Dad: What is it son? Son: Boys are gathering into our yard! Dad: ...How many boys? Son: All of them... Dad: MY MILKSHAKES!
I was wondering why I had pentagrams on my palms. Then I remembered: I've been using hand satanizer.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
OP started a pizza place. They don't deliver.
Somewhere there's a cat named Pablo Picatso, and that's what keeps me going you guys.
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew? You have to sit at the back seat of the oven.
How does a pirate tip his hat? "M'Hearty"
Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.
Can someone throw Kevin Bacon in the freezing Artic waters and give him hypothermia? I NEED this six degrees of Kevin Bacon joke.
I appreciate when aerobic instructors say "Don't forget to breathe" because I sometimes forget and then I die.
A mechanical engineer asks to his crush... Do have a manhole I could enter?
Do you remember that barbecue? You know, the one where I put my meat on your grill?
You've got to be twins. You're too stupid to be one person.
I'm selling a used French rifle Never been fired, only dropped once.
Fords coming out with heated tailgates. So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home.
What's a cheerleader's favorite fruit? (Popsicle stick caliber) Pom-Pomegranate
What kind of charge did the Couch place against the Recliner? Sectional assualt.
Concerned that hanging my daughter's artwork all over the house is sending the wrong message. Specifically that I think it's not terrible.
What's the difference between pussy and actuall pussy? I dont know, I've only seen kittens out of those two.
What's white, hard, and 12 inches long? Nothing.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They'll just arrest the light for being broke and beat the room for being black.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
A man walks into a convenience store.. A man walks into a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms .. The clerk asks if he would like a bag .. He responds "No thanks, she's not that ugly,"
What's the difference between Jesus &amp; a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
I'm confused Wait... maybe I'm not
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
[firing squad] Any last requests? "Here's my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?" Yes. *listens* Oh man that's FIRE *gunshots*
Didn't sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It is so cold outside that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pocket
How do you turn a duck into a blues singer? Leave it out in the sun until its Bill Withers
Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? - A: Mice cream
Stevie Wonder is a genius! He has such an eye for detail
Looks like coke Tastes like coke, smells like AHHHHWHATAMIDOINGWITHMYLIFE
My girlfriend said she wanted to get properly measured for a new a bra... I said, "Of course, it's not your eyeliner... You don't want to wing it."
A man walks into a bar. He lost the limbo competition.
Sometimes I wish real world conversation had a 140 character limit.
"Tom Brady did nothing wrong" is Boston's "The Confederate Flag isn't really about slavery."
What do you call a mountain of puns? Mount Cleverest
And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no "non creepy" way to ask where the Vaseline is.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
How long is a Chinese name that isn't a question
He's an Investor by day and a Porn Star by night, what's his stage name? Gold man sacks
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I'm the reason you can't get in your car from the drivers side. Have a nice day :)
How does Sean Connery's dog bark? Woofsh
Sharon: I'm so homesick. Sheila: But this is your home! Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.
Which programming language got a sex change? Fortranny
How does Times Square start the new year? By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! "The audience can sing this one."
What do you call a dinosaur you just insulted? T-REKT.
"Body of Christ." "Why thank you, I HAVE been working out."
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo.
I m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back... He asks: do you want to see your family again? I said "no". We both had a good laugh.
God: I need an Ark built. *Jesus lowers sunglasses* Jesus: I Noah guy.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like "omg I'm the luckiest person in the world" and I wake up all like "oh my god"
What does Ellen Pao have in common with the girl's mom from 'The Sixth Sense'? The both have no idea why everyone stopped talking and just stared at her.
You guys wanna hear a miscarriage joke? Wait, it would probably come out wrong...
Why are black people so bad at walking up stairs? Cause niggas be trippin
My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.
Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
Why did the raisin take the prune to the new year's ball? Because he couldn't find a date!
I like my women like I like my coffee Without a penis
Why do sorority girls travel in odd numbers? Because they can't even...
One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.
I try to avoid nice people so they can stay that way.
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Just one but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
Me: Siri, what is happiness? Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
If I had wings, I'd spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons
Why would an upright vacuum cleaner with no wheels make a better President than Hillary Clinton? Well, they both suck and have trouble moving forward, but at least the vacuum has a handle on it.
Did you hear about the new anti-consumerism movement? Nobody's buying it!
I was being recruited for suicide bombing... I asked the recruiter, "what are the perks of being a suicide bomber?" And he replied, "well, for starters, you get to go all over the place!"
What did Shakespeare say when his dog messed up the carpet? *"Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"*
What happens when the pope dies Another one popes up
What do call a horse that lives near you? A naybor
how long is a chinese name got it ? :D
The first woman on the Moon... "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "Never mind." "What's the problem?" "Nothing." "Please tell us?" "You know what the problem is."
People always say that European Football will never make it big here in the states. But it seems like we really picked it up an ran with it.
It would be terrifying if Elizabeth I were alive today... ... Because she's dead. Note: Credit goes to my dryly-sarcastic history professor.
Two go through a tunnel, says the third to the fourth: " I think we're five". Says the sixth: "I don't get it".
Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!
So I was really excited for the new Arcade Fire album... But then I remembered, it's just a Reflektor.
If you're thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I'm Asexual, I don't give a fuck.
never trust a person who says they don't like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My sister bet me a $100 i couldn't build a car out of Spaghetti... You should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta!!!!
I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements It's putting me to sleep
Why did Moses vote for Al Gore? Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.
What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day ? DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !
Which came first: the chicken or the egg? The chicken. Eggs don't come.
What is the worst part about screwing a 7 year old kid? Getting the blood stains out of your clown costume.
I can't believe I just found out R.E.M. split up. I suppose the rest of the band just weren't Michael's type.
Bulls from all over India sent a petition to SC asking it to classify them as 'Jallikatu Bulls'.
The first modern porno was invented in 1648 by Jacoby Porno who thought people should have something to look at while they jacked off[1][2]
You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Star sign logic: Some good things will happen to u and then some bad things will happen. It'll pretty much continue like this until u die.
You hear about the NBA player who married a midget? He was nuts over her.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
What's a Frenchman's favourite social media button? Retweet.
Paul Walker took up Zen Buddism not long before his death. . . He became one with a tree.
Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag: You can hide but you can't run.
How do you say 'Toilet' in Japanese? Dump-ring.
I'm not saying I'm bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot. In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.
A door walks into a bar The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The door responds, "I'm off my hinges."
What did the super spy polyatomic ion say when he walked into the bar? The name's Bond, Covalent Bond
Where do people keep their shampoo? In their shambutt.
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.
What did the snail say when his friend lost his car? Where did Es-car-go.
[robbery] ROBBER: Give me all your money! ME: I don't have it all with me. ROBBER: Dang!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
I came last in a karate competition yesterday I was kicking myself!
No, I'm not "lackadaisical", I'm lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.
How do you foil a plan? (p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln
This kitten is just what my house needed. Another female that doesn't listen to me.
Imagine Iron Man having an iron deficiency That would be ironic.
I'm still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
DATING TIP: Surprise your date! Show up a day early.
When Yoshi gets sick from eating too many goombas, what procedure should Dr. Mario conduct? A Nintendoscopy!
What's black and doesn't work in an office? Decaf coffee!
Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons? - A: A sourpuss!
How does a boy dog rape a girl dog? with WOOFilin
Chinese Takeaway - 24 Petrol To pick it up - 2 Getting home and realizing the twats have forgotten one of your containers. Riceless
Hitler meets Anne Frank one day in the camp. Hitler: you know, I like you... how about you join me for dinner next Friday? Anne Frank: let me check my diary
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag. *suspect puts face in hands* Detective Baby: HE'S ESCAPED
How do you blind fold an asian? You put floss over their eyes!
I'll dress up like your Dad and hug you at the finish line of a 5K if you promise to never post any Facebook pics of you running ever again.
For Christmas, my wife wanted something that would go from zero to 160 in 4 seconds So I bought her a new scale.
Where do young cantaloupes go in the summer? John Cougar's Melon Camp
[Mesozoic era] God: if u can't spell ur name you're going extinct Jellyfish: seems fair Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit
How do you stop Iran from building a nuclear reactor? Send them the Fine Brothers.
Some people might think being a gay man with a foot long dick is a good thing But it's just a huge pain in the ass for my boyfriend.
What does a greengrocer weigh? Vegetables.
DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.
I woke up with an erection this morning... I beat it single handed
please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS
I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door. Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".
What is worse than a worm in a cherry? Half of a worm in half of a cherry.
The population of Hidden Valley must be nothing but chubby sorority girls on their periods.
I told my dog to sit . . . . . . but he half-assed it.
"if i die young bury in me in starbucks lay me down on a bed of coffee beans" the white girl writes in her will
Two mods are standing in a field [deleted]
What do 9 out of 10 people agree on?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
If Miley doesn't get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
What's the most racist math discipline? Statistics.
Q: What has got four legs and an arm? - A: A Rottweiler in a playground.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.
Your crush likes your status and you start to imagine life together!
Science builds airplanes and skycrapers Faith brings them together
Sonny: I can't sleep. What should I do? Counselor: Lie near the edge of the bed. That way you'll be sure to drop off!
Fake Agent Videos is like punching someone in the face and telling them "That wasn't a real punch, and this isn't a real fight" That's it, that was the joke.
My Thai girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship. I still wish she didn't have one.
Q: What did the big firecracker say to the little firecracker? A: My pop is bigger than your pop.
An Englishman walks into a bar There's usually an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman too but they're all still at the Rugby World Cup!
A joke agnostics can enjoy
Don't you hate... Don't you hate when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it testicles?
You wanna hear the best joke of the year? Your belt size.
Strippers are a lot like magnets. They work by poles.
How do the ladies get Batman to come? Ask Lt. Gordon to turn on the bat-signal. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Why did the ant fall off of the toilet seat? He got pissed off
I've just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I'm on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
40 world leaders are in DC tonight. Blocks away, George Clinton is playing a show. Does Joe Biden know what a big funking deal that is?
Bill Cosby likes his women like he doesn't like his computer Not responding.
Remember the first time offender who was into bdsm? It made him late for an appointment. His excuse? He got tied up in court.
What did the tooth say to the departing  dentist?...Fill me in when you get back
I like my women how I like my whiskey. Six years old.
I asked my wife, " why don't you tell me when you orgasm " " i don't like to call you when your at work "
Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends... I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.
Around my neighborhood I'm affectionately known as "Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo."
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled "YOURE WASTING SHIRTS" at the TV
A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It's called Nacho Mama.
what do you call a funny chicken? a comedi-hen
According to WebMD, this hairy thing on my chest is a cat
Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a Women pushing it around.
How do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start off with a large fortune!
A man walks into a bakery right before closing time And asks, "do you have any pita?" The baker responds, "no, there's naan left."
Did you hear about that rich kid who got a car for his birthday? He drove it into a tree to see how his Mercedes bends.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
When I have children I'm gonna make them watch the movie "2012" and tell them I survived that. #awesome
Farmer What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor
Yesterday was kinda boring, I pretty much just hung around in my underwear all day... ...got kicked out of quite a few businesses though.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
What do you call a North Korean Gorilla? King Kong Un (From my younger brother).
What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver? Time to get a new watchdog.
no actually it's called an "african-american" eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Is Google a woman? I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.
What did the ghost of Kurt Cobain say right after his death? My feet are killin' me!
Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum? He had to work it out with a pencil...
How did the lesbian couple build their house? Tongue and groove. [For those who don't understand](http://0.tqn.com/d/homerepair/1/0/0/3/-/-/t_g.jpg)
My husband's business is rather up-and-down - he makes yo-yos.
So I talked to a prostitute that was a prophet today... She told me that I would succeed. EDIT: A religion flair?
*tries to flirt* *twirls hair in fingers* *fingers get caught in giant knot* *learns to live using only one arm*
At first I didnt really like my new hairstyle... ...but then I realised that it kinda grew on me.
I don't meant to brag, but I'm the world champion in false modesty.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the real question is how they got in there.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse is less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.
Marvel's latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD
Teacher: Name five things that contain milk.  Pupil: Butter cheese ice cream ... and two cows!
What's the difference between being artistic and autistic? Just one letter.
"Take it from the top, but do it a bit more boring and awful this time." --Coldplay's Producer
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because it was my first fap in over two weeks.
Richard Dawkins's next book should be called... "Religion: Controlling the Masses for Fun and Prophet"
What did socialists use before candles? Electricity
Why did the hacker start selling his services? So he could make his 4Chan.
The 209 members of fifa voted on the presidency yesterday sepp blatter won in a landslide victory with 8000 votes
They say that Insanity is hereditary... you get it from your kids.
What medical condition are Clinton supporters currently experiencing? Tendienitis
What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user?? Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)
Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and says he's Bob Marley reincarnated, proving you can actually overdose on marijuana.
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won the dog bit him.
Did you hear about the honeydew and pineapple who tried getting married? The court said they *cant-eloupe*
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
You know you're getting old when you forget the name of the street you grew up on and break your hip and die.
A psychiatrist diagnosed me with kleptomania. Now I'm taking things for it.
I hate how funerals are always at like 9 or 10am I'm not a mourning person.
"Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!" - a sassy shepherd
Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge
I have sensitive teeth... And I'm afraid I'll say something that will hurt their fillings.
Join the war against masturbation!!! We can beat it together!!!
How do mute people tell each others secrets? They put on mittens.
This girl wanted to marry a ghost. I can't  think what possessed her.
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? Wow!! Donut seeds!!!!
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running c*nt.
"You're odd" she said. "Not even" I replied.
I'm going to run a 5K to Finland. When you enter the country it will be the Finnish line.
After Usain Bolt retires, he'll move to Iran.
I feel sorry for the wasted sperm Some of them turn out stupid, run for President and win.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Its a trick question... Feminists cant change shit
A funny 1-liner I'm more tired than the Michelin Man.
A new mint flavored contraceptive taken before sex... called Predickamints.
A skeleton walks into a bar He orders a beer and a mop
ME: "I'll have a rum & coke." HIM: "I can't serve you." ME: "Because I'm too drunk?" HIM: "No. 'cause this is a hardware store."
I chained up my trophy wife in the basement... She's atrophy wife now.
I was gonna make a Justin Bieber joke.. But, Sorry.
Why did the man wear a frog for a condom? So he was ribbit for her pleasure.
What's addicting? The sound an erection makes when it hits a cymbal.
Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. . Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear.
Why should women only masturbate with these two fingers? *holds up middle and ring finger* Because they're mine!
There was a time when I was thin. Sure I was six years old, but I'm confident I can get back in those clothes.
What's Al Qaida's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
I use words like "acquiesce" and "ubiquitous" in daily conversation and then I throw in a "for reals yo" just to stay mysterious.
At first Lincoln didn't want to be president... ... but he gave it a shot.
Who is Hitlers worst nightmare? Kike Tyson.
Things I learnt from Avatar: - Kill Smurfs while they're still young.
Your Bio says you like music. That's amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pit bull.
No Pornhub, I do not want to play poker. I'm at work.
I was just at a cell phone convention and stopped at the Virgin Mobile booth. It was just a bunch of nuns in wheelchairs.
Why were the people in twin towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane
Well Aaron Hernandez used to be a "tight-end"... Now he's a wide receiver
How can you tell if a redditor is a pedophile? When you make an ELI5 post, you end up receiving a dick pic.
TIFU By forgetting my wife was allergic to seafood when I got her supper from Subway Woops, wrong Sub.
wy does santa have so many kids? he has all the ho ho ho's
Did you hear Giuseppe went to the bowling alley last night? Ebola perfect game!
What's the difference between r/showerthoughts and Jaden Smith's twitter? Capitalization.
What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
Why do so many guys spit in urinals? Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.
What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe? Paddy Hor D'oeuvre
I still don't understand how to avoid clickbait... Neither do you
"Let's play 21 questions" Nigerian Girl: how tall are you? Nigerian Guy: Rice. What's the worst thing you've done with a guy?
A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back. His father said, "How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"
HIM: isn't wintertime just so romantic ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly? Daughter: You're old, that's going to happen. Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Yo momma's house so dirty When she smokes a cigarette, she turns it around to put it in the ashtray.
I like to watch porn sometimes... ...just for the fucks of it.
A pirate walks into a bar... And orders a bottle of rum. The bar tender says that will be 10 dollars. The pirate replies, "Do you accept Barrrr Nickels???"
My Mom called me a "Son of a bitch" today I told her I agree.
Dad: There's no use crying over spilled milk son. Me: But dad it was tequila! Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
What's the difference between a knife and a feminist? A knife has a point.
Another Calculus Joke! What is a derivative in a derivative? Inflection.
Well, I'm going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
A man goes to a $10 hooker and gets crabs He calls her out on it, and she replies, "I was only $10. What did you expect, lobster?"
Where do black person go to travel cross-country? The Newport (My first joke, sorry if bad 8&gt;)
My Grandfather is deceased So I guess that makes me 1/4 Deceased?
What's the best thing about 21 year olds in bed? There's 21 of them
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
What's the best kind of vegetable to bring to a party? A turn up
What does an airplane and a female have in common? They both have cockpits.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cronkite ! Cronkite who ? Cronkite evidence !
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I don't want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
What did the Australian grandmaster say to the waiter after eating? Check, mate.
Wife: we need to improve our home Me: agreed Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority Me: [crosses out "get more dogs"] obviously
What does a Muslim man call a girl he is living in sin with? Haram bea
I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.
What do hockey goaltenders and Alaskan prostitutes have in common? They only change their pads after the third period.
How did the dad know that his daughter is on her period? His dick is covered in blood.
"Two can play at that game" -guy who's confused about solitaire.
What do mathematicians say when they encounter a difficult problem? f(x)
Breast Inplants They such a silly-con
I heard Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door
You know you're old when... ...what were we talking about?
Solution to overpopulation Professor : "Over population is a big problem in our country. A woman in India gives birth every minute!" Student : "Somebody should stop her!!"
I use to be terrified of speed bumps... But I slowly got over it.
What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Terri Schiavo jokes will always be funny They don't have the right to die.
You all think Trump is funny now but just wait for the wave of white-trash kids named "Donald" entering kindergarten around 2020.
Son: Sire, I wish to change my name King: Why, Prince Stephen? Son: Because you call me "Prince S" King: Haha yeah that never gets old
What do canes and blue pills have in common? They're both ready for use when a man is limp.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.
What did one lesbian bullfrog say to the other lesbian bullfrog? They're right! We do taste like chicken!
Kanye smashing his bathroom mirror to free the other Kanye trapped behind the glass.
Nostalgic grandpa A grandfather to his grandson: when i was you age id grab $5 and get groceries for the entire week. The grandson: We can't do that now grandpa..they have cameras installed.
Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
What do you call a hispanic gas? Cabron Dioxide!
Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away. Later, I'm walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.
Some people came to my door asking for donations to the local pool. So I went and poured them a glass of water.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket.... ...She then exclaims some arsehole has my pen
Dad keeps breaking into my phone, so I found a password he won't remember. My birthday.
Mechanic Hey, have you ever heard of that hard working car mechanic that specializes in engines and the back of cars? They say he gets very exhausted.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My mom took my phone when I wasn't paying attention She said "honey have you been watching porn?" "N-no mom why would you say that?" I asked petrified. "Because your search history is blank".
So today I found out why clickbait is so effective
I got a sweater for xmas.... I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Waiter waiter! What's this creepy crawly  thing doing in my dinner? Oh that one ? he comes here every night.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
What do you become when you run out of coffee? Depresso
Thought about growing some impatiens this year... but then decided against it. Takes too long.
I'm only two people away from having a love triangle.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Letting me choose my username on Amazon is a bad move. I think customer support gets uncomfortable when I need help with CockPopsicle87.
What did the dwarf say to the prostitute? Hi-ho
At least she didn't say swallow. What's the difference between a teacher and a train? One says: "Spit your gum out." the other says: "Chew Chew." /Badum cshhhh
Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you're fat. Then yeah, run.
Why did the Dolphin commit suicide? Because it felt like its life had no porpoise.
Is it true what every girls wants is 9 inches? Cos I'm not chopping 3 inches off for anybody!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don't have a free hand to break them up.
Why do mathematicians dislike cloth rugs? They prefer fur mats.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beppe ! Beppe who ? Beppe Le Pew !
TIL that in some states, graffiti vandals are fined $100-200 per letter. So if you make a whole bunch of letters, you could end up with a hefty sentence.
My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Burglar ! Burglar who ? Burglars don't knock !
A boy was sent home from school for saying the C-word His mum said to the kid: 'that wasn't clever was it?' &amp;nbsp; The boy replied 'no, it was cunt'
I got 99 problems... 100 of them are related to my inability to count.
Why do meth heads like to do it doggy style? So they can both peek out the blinds.
I remember the Christmas my son got me my first DVD. It was a rental...6 days overdue. And we didn't even have a DVD player!
Vampire was searching the garbage... ...and the man came and asked him...  M: what are you doing?  V: I am looking for used tampons...  M: why?  V: My wife is sick, I have to make her some tea!
I'm sad can u paypal me 50$ to spend on shoes
If Biff's gang had smoked E-cigarettes in 'Back to the Future 2,' it would've seemed like the least realistic thing in the movie.
It turns out no one likes "the real me" and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? The cow has the udder.
What Does a Man With a 12 Inch Cock Have For Breakfast? This morning I had a boiled egg.
If I had a dollar every time my phone's battery dies, I
What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes!
In honor of To Set A Watchmen coming out soon, what would Harper Lee's book be called if she was Mexican? Tequila Mockingbird.
When I almost snapped after I heard the same joke over and over, I've found out what rhymes with orange ! Deez nuts ! Ha, got him !
Why don't black people get on cruise ships. They already fell for that once.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I told my friend that I grew up Catholic. She asked if I had ever been molested. I'm still pretty butt hurt about that
My dad said something earlier that gave me chills. He said, "I'm turning off the heating."
From the list of things you should not be cheap about: pens, chairs, prostitutes, coffee, and dentists.
I'm just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to "Stop making that stupid noise" and "Where are your shoes?".
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That's how this works.
What is a snowman's favorite book ? War and Frozen Peas !
I tripped over a bra today I think it was a booby trap
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
whats the difference between a baby and an onion? i cry when i chop an onion
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A violin has strings. A fiddle has straaangs.
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
A old saying. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
[laying in bed] wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up? me: Yes *sound of TV crashing to the floor* me: No
What's Subway Jared's favorite TV show? 19 Kids and Counting
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys  in blue? Because they can't dress themselves.
What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments? Luters.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
What's the different between a knife and a feminist? A knife has a point
Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it, let's fly headfirst into a plate glass window.
I challenged Brock Lesnar to a fight.. But he ain't got the guts.
What do you call a nutritionist who sidelines as an automotive journalist? A carb-o-rater
Question: How many men does it take to mop the floor? Answer: None it's a women's job.
Barista: How do you take your coffee? Me: Orally.
Sorry I can't make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten "people" to ppl in a text this morning and now I'm totally behind schedule.
Why do Black people have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream.
So the other day at the ATM an elderly lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her o_O
Have you heard the news about the courduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.
When a homosexual man becomes brain dead, is he a fruit or a vegetable?
The Disney Channel should be renamed 'Celebrity Prehab.'
Pretty sure 40% of Americans would vote for a giant finger that just pointed at people and said "Their Fault."
I posted "I did it!!!" to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Just came into a HUGH sum of money... I'm an ant and its a penny.
What do you call a hooker in Alaska? Frostitute
What did the doctor say about the organ donor which died from a clotted artery? "at least his death wasn't in vein"
While we still don't know the motivations or the thought process behind the Boston Bombings I think it's safe to say that the perpetrators are racists.
FBI just revealed a new, extremely potent, form of Marijuana has just hit the streets. Reports say marijuana usage has reached an all time high.
You know what I love about our relationship? We don't always need to talk. We can just sit here quietly disliking each other.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn't pull her weight financially and she's scared of the vacuum.
Did you hear about that AMA that guy with two dicks did? Yeah, I already . . . . . Reddit
What is the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blow iob.
why did the scarecrow get a promotion? he was out-standing in his field.
I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor.
If Bob Marley is from Jamaica, then why does he have a song about being German and how he wants to be German with you?
Shouting "wahoo" instead of "woo-hoo" so everyone in this bar knows that I'm into fun AND sport fishing.
What's the hardest part about keeping a 12 year old girl in your basement? Finding a new one next year.
Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota.
Why do people find it hard to eat vegetables? Wheelchairs are hard to eat
"I'll drink to that." -me to my next drink
What do you call a bunch of black kids playing in leaves? Raisin bran
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? She uses the other one to moan.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Can you make me one with everything?
[high school reunion] "Hey aren't u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?" No that was Tyler.
What kind of dog always needs a shave? A bearded collie!
I'm at my absolute fakest when I'm wishing people happy birthday on Facebook.
Risky behavior in my 20s involved sex drugs & alcohol. At 30, "risky" is eating spicy food after 9pm and not lifting w/ my knees.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.
i was singing a christmas song I was Singing a Christmas song and I replaced mistel with camel
Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum; I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a curry? A bronto-sore-ass
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
What is Beethoven doing right now? Decomposing
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn't the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Why are you breaking up with me? "You treat your dog like a baby. It's weird" Shh *puts hands over dog's ears* he's 26 months he understands
What did the spice say when it was told it wasn't flavourful enough? "Oh come on, I'm only cumin!" I was so proud when I came up with this jewel.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Man who walks through airport turnstiles sideways.... is going to Bangkok
Subway, Eat flesh. (If Hannibal Lector owned chain restaurants.)
A Jew wakes up with morning wood and runs right into a wall. What does he say? Ouch, my nose!
*i sneeze* Atheist: bless u Me: ha! i caught u Atheist: no its just like, an expression Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god
My Dad always worked really hard to be able to put dinner on the table for his family. And still my Mam moaned because he couldn't afford to buy plates. That table was ruined.
90% of the contacts in my phone are useless
I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me... I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery.
The only people who received awards for African American Achievement at my brother's 5th grade graduation were black. Fucking racism.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? With Nazi's
I love the F5 key... It's very refreshing.
People ask me how I got a BMI of 21.2. I tell them, "I just did the meth".
Did you hear that Willy Nelson died? He was singing on the road again.
I just want to meet a nice girl who hates the same stuff as me.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it's a lot of paperwork.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.
What is the bees favourite film ? The Sting !
Boy, are you a salad? Because I don't want you.
Success is like Pregnancy Everyone congratulates you, but no one knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Did you hear the one about Sodium? Na
I can't stand people who are indirect You know who you are
Flying around shitting on cars. Rock on, birds. Livin' the dream!
Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift's relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public... I guess she wanted it to be more Loki.
I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get the fcuk away from you.
What is Hitler's phone number? 999-999-999
What sex position makes ugly babies? Ask your parents
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive caring and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why did the airport luggage checker refuse to date the depressed man? he had to much baggage
Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time? They're way too into Stalin
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn't killed. What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.
Why did the plant use a dating service? To find its stomate!
AA MEETING Chairman: Please, introduce yourself Eminem: Hi! My name is.. C: What? E: My name is.. C: Who? E: Hi! My name is.. C: Huh?
Accidentally just told a girl that "she has a nice head" because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.
Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.
A book just fell on my head. I only have, my-shelf to blame. :3
Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office. Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
So, I saw Simba walking today.. and he was walking too slow. So I told him "C'mon! Mufasa"! Edited for a bit more for clarity..
A snake walks in to a bar... Barman says "you can't do that"!
What did the tree do when he got really nervous? He SOILed his pants I'll^see^myself^out...
Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
What's the difference between having a job and being a homeless drug addict? One takes over your life and turns you into brainless zombie and the other one makes you homeless.
Good cop: Just relax Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don't you call anymore? You're going to jail
Why did the comedian cross the road? To tell me this joke.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting. But no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Back on the Canadian side of the border now. Thank God. That is the longest period of time I've ever gone without riding a moose.
Why do people make shitposts? Because they are in a crappy mood.
What has long ears four legs and is worn on  your head? An Easter bunnet!
How do people with Mesothelioma live their lives? Asbestos they can.
So an old-timer goes out for breakfast... And the young whippersnapper of a waiter asks "What will you have, Sir?" "Bacon my day, sonny!" [Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works]
Did you hear about the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off? He died.
Local News. A couple turned themselves into police. Wonder what they were before.
I went to this zoo. All they had there was this one dog... It was a Shi-tzu
The governers mansion in Alabama caught on fire today It burned down yhe whole trailer park.
Today I had a three way with two women It was quite the conference call.
I know a guy who used to have Leukaemia He's Luekae to be alive.
After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance, for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.
I heard Hillary paid a touching tribute at the 9/11 memorial... ...she collapsed.
There was a prison break and I locked eyes with a midget as he climbed up the fence. As he jumped over he sneered at me and I thought, "Well, that's a little condescending."
If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what's weird about it.
I stepped on a grape... and it let out a little wine.
The only thing I have to say about Bristol Palin "You're welcome."
When I was 13 I prayed to God to lengthen my penis by 1". I think I made him angry. Either that or the Olympian Gods answered my prayer.
Bonnie Tyler is performing a concert in Greece next month. She'll be singing her classic. I need a Euro.
A leper gave me the finger the other day I was upset, but I still did the right thing and gave it back
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that's practically the same thing.
What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains? The ocean
If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I'm with family or a girl.
Why didn't Rose get an iPhone 7? She never let go, Jack.
maintenance guy at the airport just told me he'd rather look at girls' poop than guys' poop. No more small talk today.
What the difference between Bernie Sanders and a piece of fruit? Pieces of fruit actually get picked for something.
Domestic terrorism? Meh... International terrorism? EHMAGARD!!
Did I ever tell you about how I once dated a stripper named Cake? She always used to let me have it and eat it, too.
I used to be into necrophilia, S&amp;M, and Bestiality... Then I realized I was beating a dead horse...
What did God say to all the Jews, Christians and Muslims of the world? nothing
"Oooo, a window. Let's see if I can fly through it." - Dumbass birds
saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side
Humour is subjective That was a joke for those of you who didn't get it
Hardy Ha Ha
*walks up to little girl* "Honey, is your dad in jail?" "No, why?" "Because if I was your dad, I'd be in jail."
How can you tell a man from a woman Well, there's not really a vas deferens
not a day goes by that i don't think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I have a bumper sticker that says COP KISSER explicitly to make it awkward when a police officer asks if I know why they pulled me over.
At the funeral home How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated? Hmm No risk do both.
Why Donald Trump will win the primary but loose the general election? He can push through the Bushes but cannot climb a **Hill**ary.
Did you hear about the mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
What is a parrot? A wordy birdy!
I thought I had an STD once... turned out it was just carpal tunnel.
What do you call a stupid asshole? Ignoranus
Why are camels also known as Ships Of The Desert'? Because they're full of Arab seamen.....
What is the stretchiest substance known to man? Human flesh, because in the bible it says that Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked 100 yards.
What kind of person is sexually excited from looking at young animals? A PETAphile.
I saw a crazy squirrel today.. He was fucking nuts.
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
Why did the bi-sexual bear see a psychiatrist? He was a bi-polar bear
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I don't care if you're a dog person or a cat person, I generally don't date anyone with a tail.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? 1 less drunk
Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I'm going to post a joke I hope it dosen't get [deleted]
ever notice how santa give rich kids better presents than poor kids. come on 8yr olds put your thinking caps on
What did the terrorist's ghost say? BOOM!
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven* *family awkwardly stares at me* Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue.... On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.
Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year? He's leaving of his own accord. Edit: grammar.
How do you turn a bunk bed into two regular beds? You debunk it.
i started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago. since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I'm sticking to my guns.
Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention
Did you guys hear that Ireland has the fastest growing economy in the world? Yeah, their capital is always Dublin
Thought I could put dolphin in my fish pie. Until I noticed I was using all porpoise flour.
Why is Jewish apple cake Jewish? Because it's baked in an oven...
What do you call a man who is too proud of his balls ? Ego-Testicle.
Who is Pitbull's favorite nascar driver? Dale Earnhardt jr.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes one cigarette lighter.
Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.
Mugger: "Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!" Me: "My personal identification number number?" *he stabs me*
Loneliness can make you do some strange people.
Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!
Did you hear about the reusable condoms? When you're done, turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of them.
Me: That guy is a bad apple. 6-year-old: He's a person. Me: I just meant he's mean. 6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Why did the t-rex cross the road? Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet.
What do you call a Transformer who always sees the glass as half full? Optimist Prime
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I bet when all the Baldwins go out to dinner, Alec makes a lot of eye contact while he reaches for the check.
I was going to write a book about an x-axis and y-axis on a piece of graph paper. But there was no plot.
The job hunt is going great I just spent 45 minutes applying online for a position at a company called "Commercial Space Available."
*Drives by train wreck* Train wreck:"I have a boyfriend."
How did the toad die ? He simply croaked !
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the chinese newspaper!
What do you call a plumb in a frock? A damson in this dress.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
What do you call an adopted ghost? Transparent
I want to open up a toupee shop. So when someone questions themselves about buying one, I can say, "toupee or not toupee? That is the question."
"You're not leaving the table until you finish it, young man!" --termite mom
I got a new spoiler on my car. Just a long sticker that says "Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time!"
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea Runs in our jeans.
What's a pirate's favorite amino acid? Aaaaaaaarrrrrginine....
Just flew in from a masturbation convention... Man my arm is tired.
What do you call a woman that is beautiful and smart? An actress.
What do you get when you cross the New World Order and risque behavior? The Illuminaughty
What has more lives than a cat? A frog -- it croaks every night.
What is Donald Trump's favourite nursery rhyme? Barack a bye baby
You're telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Rihanna, what did you mean the wind gave you this black eye? No, I said it was Breezy.
I climaxed on a blind girl's boobs yesterday She didn't see it coming
I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.
Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....
And the he told me he was kilt shopping. So, apparently I'm married to Braveheart.
My friends think im a magician when I make chocolate disappear... But little do they know, i'v got a few Twix up my sleeve...
Why did the mortgage broker go out of business? ...because he lost interest.
Which fairground ride is made of iron? The ferrous wheel
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown? Artificial intelligence.
Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed in the graveyard? So far the police have found over 300 dead bodies.
My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
I for one welcome our new insect overlords Resistance is futile.
What religion still believes in the Big Bang? [x-post from /r/imgoingtohellforthis] Islam
I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck... ...turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
When they eventually make a movie about Joseph Fritzel it'll be called 'Honey, I've entrapped, raped, impregnated and demoralized the kids.'
Maybe the cure for cancer is leaving chocolate pudding cups in my fridge for more than 24 hours. We'll never know.
What do you call one Mexican on the moon? A problem. What do you call two Mexicans on the moon? A bigger problem. What do you call all the Mexicans on the moon? Problem solved.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Clothes make the man. Indonesian children make the clothes.
There are two guys named Ted One is near-Ted, the other is...
I have a joke. Just kidding.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you're a normal person and then out of nowhere you're like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
(Alt Joke) Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . . title
Winter... The only time of year when 8-12 inches is used to describe something white. (Up North)
What do you call a rude criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
there are like 4 billion words in the english language but there's nothing quite so damning to someone's character as "that guy sucks"
Did you hear about the amateur porn actor with the invisible dick? He came out of nowhere.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it's every man for himself
What did the chinese guy tell the police when he was caught? You got the Wong guy.
Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I immediately throw half of them away. I don't want unlucky people working in my department.
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 1) Put a saddle on it 2) Get on 3) Oh god it's destroying the village with fire 4) WHY DIDN'T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!
Progeria jokes get old real quick.
Madonna is talking with the Spice Girls Says she wants to sponsor a reunion tour so long as she can join them. The girls agree to condition. They call her Old Spice.
What does a redditor do after his picket fence is installed? He re-posts it.
How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland? By sending in millions of Muslims
son: hey dad me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes son: now don't get mad me: [dials 1] ok son: do we have a fire extinguisher me: [dials 1]
Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years? Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years? Michael Jackson
A black guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim are all working on a roof together. One falls off and dies. Which one? who cares...
I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door It said "Beat it, we're closed."
What did one archeologist say to the other archeologist when he screwed up? I've got a bone to pick with you
What do you call a fish in a hurry? Salman Rushdie.
I've done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
What do you call a Mexican after he gets electrocuted? Re-fried beans!
I saw a magician driving through my neighborhood, and then he turned into a driveway.
My dog once bit a little boy so I had to put him down... he was going to tell his mom.
A roman walks into a bar Holds up two fingers and says five beers please
Drug companies are like high school boyfriends They're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they get in there. - Credit to John Oliver
Corny Jokes... ..have no stalk in them.
What did the mushroom put in his bio for the online dating service? Im a fungi
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio's friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg...
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing plastic wrap underwear. Psychiatrist says "Well, i can clearly see your nuts."
Jokes about white sugar are common, but brown sugar? Demerara. 
Why do black people call each other "son"? Well, you never know!
Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say "Ta-Da" when you do.
It's not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Enough with the cutesy-chubby sidekicks, 3D animation studios.
ME: *eating fast food* VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff? ME: Yeah VG: That stuff is gonna kill you ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Why couldn't Caligula get anything passed in the Roman Senate? His horse kept casting too many neigh votes.
Why is Hillary spelled with 2 L's? One for 2008 and one for 2016.
What's green, has a cape, and flies? Super Pickle!
If you think your days bad... Think of all the shit plumbers have to go through
Don't you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven't hithered in years.
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
5yo: Daddy, what's a facial? Me: Your brother. 5yo: I don't have a brother!? Me: Exactly!
I'm confused. Hi Confused. I'm a dad joke.
If someone's mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
SIRI: Brian, what goes "blah blah blah, I don't know anything, please help me"? ME: Uhh SIRI: It's you. That's what you sound like.
What's red and invisible?  No tomatoes.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
If a tree falls on your wife, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? The real question is... why the hell was there a tree in your kitchen?
Why wasn't the sequel to The Fast and the Furious called Bi-fast Bi-Curious?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have dandruff and out of shape. My girlfriend broke up with me because I have dandruff and I'm out of shape. I guess I need some conditioning.
What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement? What're you asking me for? I have Asperger's.
In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There's apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.
There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
what is the difference between mosquito and prostitute? One sucks free of cost while the other is paid for sucking
A lycanthrope transforms in front of his friend for the first time. His friend says "oh my god, you just turned into a wolf!" He replies: "yes. I am a were."
What's the difference between a Kit Kat and an Essex girl? You can only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat.
I punched a drug addict in the face. I guess I beat the crack outta him. (The best joke I have ever made up.)
It's crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If you're a delivery driver and don't get a tip... You get shafted
"Can you spot me, bro?" - Waldo, at the gym
Don't get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
What's a French egg's favourite airforce? L'oueftwaffe.
Misty's boss says to her: "You've been late to work for 5 days straight! You know what this means, don't you?" ..... ...to which Misty replied "I SURE do! It means today must be FRIDAY!!!"
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation.. ~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
What did the NSA say to Russia after the blizzard? We're Snowden!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain't quite right.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Today I saw two little kids fighting. As the only adult nearby, I had to step in. Those kids didn't stand a chance.
Spider-Man Spider-Man Does whatever a spider can Spins a web Any size Catches thieves Eats those guys Hey wait Don't do that Spider-Man
I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.
For pimps, prostitution must be alot like using pawn pieces in chess... They use them to do their dirty work, in promise that he'll one day make her into a queen.
Why is 6 afraid of 7 7 is a registered six offender
What do you call Oprah on drugs? Doprah
HER: Wow you look great. ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I've just invented a new word. plagiarism
Glue Sticks... I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks."I thought, "No shit."
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as "late-term abortion." Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Some Days you're the dog and some days the hydrant.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me: *singing "Don't stop believing"* Joe: What are you doing? Me: Practicing for Journey duty J: You mean Jury duty? M: No, it says...shit
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, but give a fish a man and he'll be like WTF is this I ordered worms I can't eat this
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Did u hear about the new plane that's going to be 2000 ft long? it's going to be the longest flight ever
100 kiloPascals go into a Bar..........
Little kids be trippin'.
"GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS"  Vegetarian Zombie
[sees baby drooling] um excuse me i am a person not a piece of meat
You know what I like to do? Answer my own questions.
Have you heard of the man from DeMizes? His balls were of two different sizes. One ball was so small, there was no ball at all. The other so large it won prizes.
Owls always look like they've just found out that they've been cheated on.
I wonder who they'll get to play the roles of "Couch" and "Phone" in the movie of my life.
What do you call a fisherman who could bait a hook blindfolded, upside down with one hand tied behind his back? A masturbator
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...
I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me.. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?
The only way I'd see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue..... Oh you don't think that will ever be an issue, okay
Boy giraffe: You wanna? Girl giraffe: Ok, but kiss my neck first. Boy giraffe: But Babe, we only have 3 hours!
To all of you that have overcome Fatboy Slim addiction.... I have to praise you
What's the difference between a girl with herpes and a leather shoe? If you had to, you could eat the leather shoe.
I want to go to the afterlife to ask Robin Williams, "How's it hanging?" I'm not sorry.
I'm such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night. A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no... I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My girlfriend caught me masturbating to porn on my phone... She looked at me seductively and asked if she could help. I said sure, could you hold my phone?
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence... "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Why does a dentist seem moody? Because he always looks down in the mouth.
China has one of the largest manufacturing and exporting economies in the world. What product of theirs is most commonly exported? Newborn girls.
What do you call a woman rolling around on a beach? Sandy
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65.... Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
What did Euler see in the toilet? Natural log
*Spoiler Alert* Siamese cats are just one cat, not two cats in one.
I bet "All You Need is Love" was easier to write on a full stomach.
Friends are like boobs, some are big, some are small, some are real and some are fake.
A buddhist monk is watching TV Another monks come in and says, "What are you watching?" The monk replies, "Nothing."
Can't wait for Game 8 of the World Series, Indians vs the Dakota Access Pipeline
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
I'm on that "I don't give a fuck diet." I've lost 10 assholes already.
Exercise never hurt anyone... ... unless you run marathons. (Braces for downvotes)
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
What does the Italian cat say? Cheow!
The grass is always greener on the other side Because if we let you in you'd just ruin it for the rest of us.
Somebody told me I was condescending today. Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Four more years is a great thing to shout at a president running for reelection... But not so good to shout at a 14 year old girl.
Why did the Hydroxyl molecule blow up the US Mint? It was a Free Radical.
I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.
The Jedi know what we're getting for Christmas They have sensed our presents
How do athletes send e-mails? On the Inter-sweat.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don't mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
By tomorrow, no one will remember what happened in trees today
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
The worlds worst joke... EDIT: Thanks for the gold!
Why was the archeologist depressed? because his career was in ruins
No matter how nice your kids are... ..German children are Kinder.
Go to JebBush.com He lost his domain and Donald Trump bought it.
Three old deaf men on a train in London Deaf man number one says 'IS THIS WEMBLEY?' The second man replies 'NO IT'S THURSDAY.' and the third man replies 'ME TO. LETS GET OFF AND HAVE A PINT'
Why did the computer programmer get stuck in the shower forever? Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to "1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat"
"Whats the deal with all this airline food?" -Sharks in Malaysia
I'd like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Made a to/ too mistake, and am starting the car with the garage doors down.
Q: What do you get when you cross a perm  with a rabbit? A: Curly hare.
Cat Extended Joke Must read This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him... I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal.
Why was Yoda afraid of seven? Because six, seven eight.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Don't worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
What do Australians call upside down cake? Cake.
Dear Algebra Stop asking me to find your x . . . she is not coming back!
How can you tell how hard a nigga is? By the number of niggabytes in his hard drive.
Latvian man walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, "Why so long face?" Latvian say, "I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby."
I have good news & bad news "bad news 1st" I died youre talking to a ghost "OMG & the good news?" I broke the world record for eating bees
What kind of dog does Sauron have? A La-Barad-dur
What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen? Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight.
A man was dissatisfied with a Chad Kroeger album he bought off of the 95% rack... So he returned it and got his Nickelback
Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side. No offense.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity .... It's impossible to put down.
I got fired today from my summer job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way
Did you hear George R R Martin committed suicide? Yeah. I saw it coming too.
Arguing with autocorrect is the new yelling at the television.
Why is Riot Fest going to be in Toronto? They play music, not hockey.
TIL Humans eat more krill than whales. I can't remember the last time I've eaten a whale.
My bank says my password isn't strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
A conversation between 3 partially deaf elderly men. Elder 1: It's windy! Elder 2: No, it's thursday! Elder 3: Right, let's all get a cuppa tea shall we?
Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? The wheelchair
Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally,Not Wally... *from the Where's Wally Audiobook*
Nine months from now we'll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn't Working.
How can you go without sleep for seven days and not be tired? Sleep at night
What are the similarities between a US handgun and a Feminist? 30 of them are triggered every second
What do we want? A CURE FOR TOURETTES! When do we want it? CUNT!
Q: What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning? A: Straight talk.
Fish with no eyes What do you call a fish with no eyes? -A "FSH"
I'm not saying I'm an idiot... But if some village comes looking...tell them you never saw me.
I was going to have an 'end of the world' party... ...but I couldn't get the day off work.
Yo mama so ugly... ...when she plays Mortal Kombat, Scorpion says "STAY OVER THERE!"
Best day to propose a girl Hey U Know Which is the best day to propose a girl.. April 1 U Know Why?? If she accept its your luck otherwise just tell April Foooooll.
I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....
What do wolves even want from the moon?
What do you call a plastic sheep? Lambinated!
What did the boulder say to the other boulder? I rock. You Rock. We Rock. Disclaimer: This joke was made during a 6 hour road trip with the family. My only scenery was rocks.
I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.
Why do people say "Cannonball" when jumping into a pool, but no one says "I'm jumping into a pool" when firing a cannonball #Interesting
A family walks into a hotel... ... The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck"
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind* Me: This is our song. *A dude walks by listening to it* Me: That's OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald's on pay day.
And how did you find your steak sir? Well quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was
I'm glad my son will learn about sex from the internet. Remember how awkward it was when your dad showed you how to two-girls-one-cup?
"See you tomorrow"? I do NOT go to Wendy's every day, Wendy's Lady. Check yourself.
This guys talking about "Calm down, everything happens for a reason". Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
What's left when a jew takes a shower? Their shackle
What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones? The Rolling Stones say 'hey you, get off my cloud.' the Scotsman says 'hey MaCleod, get off my ewe.'
Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...? What the fuck were they so excited about?
I like my coffee like I like my women Without a penis
Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by... "What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist. "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.
What kind of dance does your mother do? The MOMbo.
What's the difference between a vegetable and a berry? i can't vegetable my dick so far in your ass whoever could pull it out would be crowned king arthur
I told my paralyzed girlfriend I was leaving her... She couldn't stand to see me go...
The official dance for my new mixtape has 3 steps... Stop, drop, and roll!
Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? Two... One to beat the the room for being black and the other to beat the switch for being broke.
Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
I asked my friend from New Zealand how many times he'd had sex... but he fell asleep before he could tell me.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Blowdryer Incident Bob's wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing? Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer!
Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
What's a pirates favourite video game genre? Arr-PG's
It's Christmas and I'm alone (again), Reddit. Tell me something funny Well, I have my dog at least. Fire some shit away!
What did the ascetic say when he broke his fast? [OC] I think I'll go on a diet!
Donald Trump is such a good salesman he could sell ice to the Eskimos. Which will come in handy considering his policies on global warming.
Is your refrigerator running? Because i will vote for it!
North Korea
I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
Bill Clinton was seeing his counselor... And his counselor asked how Hillary's head was doing with all this e-mail controversy. Bill replied, "Still not as good as Monica's."
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army? I heard he was diploid. (I'll show myself out...)
How did Aladdin die? Carpet bombing.
Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns? Because they always take things literally.
What did the left bum check say to the right bum check? He said "If we stick together, we can stop this shit."
Why does the house only have one window? Cheeseburger (joke from my 3 year old neice this evening)
A naked man walking through the jungle... ...when an elephant looks at him and says: -How can you even breath through this thing?
What do you get when The Dark Knight meets Edgar Allan Poe? (x-post from r/funny) [Poetic Justice](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me6ovqdnAp1rzkyaxo1_500.png)
Him: Can you believe what's going on in Egypt? Me: Yeah...it's crazy...I gotta go. Bye. Me: *googles what's happening in Egypt?*
Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration? To beat the crowds.
<a pigeon with a message lands on my arm> NEW ARM WHO DIS
What does pubic hair and parsley have in common? You just push them both aside and keep on eating.
Who is the musician's best friend? The drummer!
I am not able to go to school today Son: I am not able to go to school today. Father: what happened? Son: I am not feeling well Father: Where you are not feeling well? Son: In school!
What did the 3 holes in the ground say? Well, well, well
['90s] I just got a new computer. It's called "The Tyson." It comes with two bytes and no memory.
Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Because you can't fit that much sh*t in a shoe
Eating With The Shakes If a person with Parkinson's is eating a brownie, Is it "Brownie in motion"?
Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
What do you call a stripper donkey? A Horse.
Why is it so hard to get a mortgage in Columbia SC? All the homes there are underwater
Sharks could be very gentle lovers. We don't know.
Males ejaculate at 27 mph. That explains why its illegal to do it in a school zone.
I sat next to the Duchess at tea... It was just as I thought it would be: Her rumblings abdominal Were simply phenomenal And everyone thought it was me.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat's been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My favorite thing about camping is when I stay home & don't.
Math, I'm not a therapist... ...Solve your own problems.
This salad would be way better if it was pizza.
Went to an Indian restaurant last night The waitress asked me "Was the curry ok sir" I said "Ok. One song then you can piss off"
How can you tell when a woman is faking an orgasm? She screams her husbands name instead of yours
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Sex is like fishing... You gotta know how to handle the rod!
My kid missed the school bus, instantly resulting in drama & tears. But now that I've had a few cocktails, I'm OK.
Oh crap, I just realized I've been posting to Friendster for the last month.
Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote. Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup. Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, "OOOOOOOO!"
Boss: "Do you know why I've called you into my office?" Into My Office: "Because that's my name?" Boss: "Yes, that's right."
"did you hear the one about the grizzly who-" dude stop "it's just a joke man" i know it's stupid but- *points to my date* bear with me
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone's food and suddenly they don't want you to cook for them anymore
guy: hey that's a great truck. what kinda engine? me: [rubbing the hood] it's got a truck engine
Gay porn is so funny, I can't keep a straight face while watching it.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but "90's kids" are the only ones who are annoying about it.
What will be the most useless invention? A waterproof teabag
"Have I made myself clear?" Said the chameleon as he stood in front of a sheet of glass.
Say what you will about the Democratic debate... but Hillary Clinton didn't refer to the size of her penis.
Why did the lesbian go to Sports Authority? because she didn't like dicks.
What gets longer the more you cut it at both ends? A ditch.
I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.
Remember, one person can make a difference! Two people can NOT, though. 3-5: yes again! 6: no way, you'll just make it worse! It's weird!
I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
What do you call a group of spoiled children? The government
Every single time I give my heart to a girl... She Brexit.
Scientists have a new working theory on what happened before the Big Bang. Your mom put an ad on Craigslist.
Women... can't live with them and the alternative is literally a pain in the ass.
Why don't they play poker in Africa? Because there's cheetahs.
Knock knock!
What do is the difference between acne and a pedophile? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve
I watched pom. You misread that, didn't you?
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Joan of Arc Barbie ...comes with stake kindling and matches
Mouth piercings look like robot herpes.
What does an alcoholic neckbeard drink for breakfast? M'mosa
Why does a Bicycle have a kickstand? Because it's two tired.
Do you know why they can't make ice in Poland anymore? The lady that had the recipe died.
give a man a fish, and he'll just expect more free fish. teach a man to fish, and you can stick him with crippling fishing school debt
How did the rainbow know is was lost?  -It was a clear day
A woman is late to a fight. She takes a seat next to several men. "How many cocks have been beaten?" she asks. "None, until now," says a man with a smile.
A driver gets pulled over for improper use of a carpool lane.. Cop: "Carpool lane is 2 or more passengers and I don't see your second passenger." Driver: "well I'm just beside myself."
Why couldn't the blonde count to 70? Because 69 was a mouthful
what do you call a queue of jokers? a PUNchline
LGBT should rename themselves BLTG. It's more tasteful.
I named my dog WiFi Because I stole it from my neighbor
Donald has written a lot of books about business, but there's an interesting characteristic they all share... They all seem to end at Chapter 11. Credit (to my dismay): HRC
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans
Why is Math always sad? Because it has too many problems.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
Wife [returns home] have you eaten Me: have you eaten Wife: are you copying me?! Me: are you copying me Wife: I Love You Me: I already ate
[zombie movie set] Director into megaphone: "We're about to start rolling. Look alive people!" *actors look around confused as heck*
Why are police officers bad at Billiards? They hit eight ball first because it was black.
Our kids seem to prefer Kraft mac and cheese over the usual spaghetti noodles and crushed up generic Doritos.
I used to know a guy who had five legs. His pants fitted him like a glove.
I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee.
I've been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks? They're Meteor!
Cheated on Twitter with my real life today.
[At Adele Concert] Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Why did the fencer downvote my latest submission? It was a Riposte.
How do Super Heroes like their drinks served? WITH JUST ICE!
I Left My Job I used to be a banker but I left because I lost interest.
I'm planning on releasing a fragrance based off of suffering. I'm going to call it "Eau de Humanity"
I have 3 moods: - Skips every song on my iPod. - Lets the music play without interruption. - Plays the same song on repeat for days.
What candy is traditionally served at a Jewish wedding. Mazel toffee.
I refuse to vote in the US presidential elections! Mainly because I don't live there, nor am I american.
"You're on your own, kid." - A Republican village.
I took a shit on the hood of a car one time It was my civic doodie
What did the wolfman say to the sentient AI? I am a were
What did the tomato say to the cheese in court? I rest my queso.
Why do baseball pitches make bad doctors? Because when asked to 'give it to them straight', they throw a curveball!
It's going to be a busy couple of months for Caitlyn Jenner Mothers' Day and then Fathers' Day
I'm so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
What is green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. And that is ***not funny***.
Ebola seems pretty serious I think I might take one more flinstone vitamin in the morning from now on.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? If the sex stays the same but the dishes pile up.
Financial status: 10 days ago: eating cat food. Today: eating the cat.
Why did the sperm cross the road? ...'Cause I wore the wrong pair of socks this morning.
I keep getting scolded for things I didn't do! "What didn't you do?" "My homework"
I heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship. I just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Roses are red Violets are blue if DNA test proves you're my sister I'll stop sleeping with you.
What do McDonald's and a pedophile have in common? They both stick their meat between seven-year-old buns.
Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck? Because he put in a little extra clovertime.
Be careful - too much sex can result in a balled spot.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like "It wasn't that hard."
I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.
I really hate campfires... Just Kindling.
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
What time is it when you sit on a pin? Spring time.
Halle is the only Blackberry I'd pay money for.
How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket.
What do you call a black cop? Suicidal.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man ...so I can get a better girlfriend. -Comedian Anthony Jeselnik
How long do I have to sleep before I'm legally a bear?
What does the scientist say when asked if Invisibility Cloak will be applicated by the military? Yes, but you won't see it any time soon.
Muslim extremists have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London... Police think it might be the early start of Ram-a-dam.
What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they're vegan?
Someone asked me if I could tell them what you would call people from the French island of Corsica. I said, Cors'I'can.
What do you get when you cross an Indian smoothie with a rescue dog? Mango Lassie
Why are test tube manufacturers always single? People just seem to find them vial!
What do you call a ghost at midnight? A sheet in the dark!
I'm sick of this boy scouts training. It drives me knots
What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool? Beethoven's last movement.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
If my kid turns out to be a criminal, I am totally blaming Grand Theft Auto and not my shitty parenting.
My wife has a colostomy I get a little action on the side
I used to have a friend who wanted to be run over by a steam train... When he finally was, he was chuffed to bits.
Did you hear about the electrician who bought a Camaro using money he got from scrap wire? He really crimped and saved
I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!
Did you hear about the singing laptop? It's a Dell.
Alcohol Influences If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?
*4yo comes in from garden with worm* Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!! *4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
What do you call someone who hates browsing the web with Google? A Chromophobe.
When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions. Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.
"Lethal Weapon" is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
How do you end an argument with a woman? Tell her to calm down. You're dead now but the argument is over.
Her: *puts cherry stem in mouth *pulls it out with a knot *winks Him: *puts earbuds in pocket *pulls it out with 5 knots *doesn't get laid
What is a physicist's favorite social movement? Half-lives matter.
[3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Dr: He has a lot of blockage "So my Dad has a bad heart?" Dr: He also donates to charity "So he has a good heart?" Dr: Ya, it evens out
I wish I could remember how the hell I ignored people before I owned a cell phone.
What did Christian Grey say to Anastasia before they sex for the first time? Don't worry, I'll show you the ropes.
What do you call thrusting a hairy rod in and out of your mouth really fast then afterwards spitting out a white liquid? Brushing your teeth
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
Have you guys heard the joke about the airplane? I'd tell it, but it'd go over your heads.... CORNY JOKES THREAD! OP will deliver knee slappers and humdingers!
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel....
How do call an idiot that has an assault rifle pointed at you? Sir.
Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!
Mom, come quick, daddy hanged himself in the attic! Gotcha, April fools day! He hanged himself in the garage.
Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you're like "this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?"
When people tell me I'm intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One's pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles... My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
Why did the satanist become a lawyer? He wanted to be the devil's advocate.
What do you call a dog that is also a magician? A Labracadabrador.
How do you shoot a unique deer? You-neak up on it and shoot it. Credit: Grandpa Clifford
A cowboy is buying condoms. "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please" he says. "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier. "Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..."
What do snakes write on the bottom of their  letters? With love and hisses.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow remover? Give her a shovel...
Two gay guys are going on vacation... ...the night before they are to leave, one gay guy says to the other, "Hey man, can I pack your shit?"
Dentists' offices only come in two layouts: "open-floor concept Smarthome with a medical twist!" or "design attained perfection in 1964"
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A Polar Bear walks into a bar... ... he says to the server, "Hello, I'd like some fish and chips.." The server says, "We don't serve polar bear here." The Polar Bear says, "Oh Thank God."
What do you call a coi fish that can't swim? A decoi
If you want to be happy... For an hour, buy some ice cream. For a day, see a movie. For a week, go on vacation. For a month, get a new pet. For a year, get married.
I like to play with words But there are only so many things you can do with a dictionary.
DEFINITION whats another definition of a goatee? a gay mans bullseye
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and pimples? Pimples will wait till you're 14 to come on you're face.
I'm tired of all these farming tips. Let's face it, there's only one thing that makes you good at farming Step one: be a tractor Step two: don't be unnatractor
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You say "Pikachu, GET THE FUCK ON THAT BUS!"
I've seen such a change in myself this past year. I've really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I hate when it rains cats and dogs.... I just stepped in a poodle.
I call my penis Oscar Pistorius. It only goes inside for a disappointingly short period of time.
Chuck Norris can land a plane in Auto Pilot.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Something interesting on the late Ms. Dawn Brancheau *DARK* Did you hear her eyes were blue?  Yeah, one blew this way, one blew that way..
What's the difference between a quarter and a nickel? The Hiroshima bombing didn't kill a nickel of a million civilians.
What's 41 times 11? I can't find the answer anywhere.
Turning water into wine is pretty cool but turning kale and celery into $9.50 is a miracle
The last time you got a piece of ass... Was when your fingers slipped through the toilet paper.
What starts with P and ends with orn? ;) Popcorn.
Samsung will no longer use the name "Galaxy" name on the Note 7... From now on, it's the Samsung Supernova 7.
I'd rather buy a box of cereal than an iPhone 7 Because you can have apples with your jacks
What monster plays the most April Fool's  jokes? Prankenstein!
you can't say "i'm bored" as an adult because if you have time to be bored then you should just be napping. wow you're bad at adulting
Why do Asians have small breasts Because their fathers only allow for A's.
How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb? One, only **Glorious Leader** gets access to light bulbs
SpaceX to begin development on their new pocket rocket. For when you want an *explosive* orgasm.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner's Guide to Steroid Use
I went tonthe zoo and all they had was one small dog and an empty gorilla enclosure... It was a shotzu.
Doctor: "Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!" Kate: "I'm pregnant?!" Doctor: "No. You have a tapeworm."
A friend said he wasn't racist He said he wasnt racist because racism is a crime, and those are for niggers.
What's a New Zealander's favorite car? The Kia Ora.
Why didn't the movie ticket get convicted of both of its crimes? It would only admit one.
What do you call a deer that can't see? No eye deer. Say it fast and with a southern accent for full effect.
Q4: What is the head of an Italian dinosaur  family called? A: Ptera Don
Here's a step by step guide to staircases *gives you a handrail*
There are bats hanging of a branch  upside down all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this  one? - I don't know two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed last year
Why did the old lady fall into the well? She didn't see that well
[date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, "What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?"
My gym instructor says that Warm-Ups are extremely necessary. So, I brought donuts along this time but I can't find the microwave oven.
I was riding in my friend's car today when I noticed he didn't have a brake pedal. He said it only slowed him down.
50 SHADES OF... Theatre owners have been piping in citrus scent after each showing of 50 Shades of Grey. Because everyone knows citrus is best at eliminating fish odors
Patient: The trouble is doctor I keep pulling  ugly faces. Doctor: Don't worry I don't expect anyone will notice.
Whats the difference between a White lie and a Black lie? Half to none of the time.
I got this gem from a 6-year-old ...seriously, I need to get rid of it fast, the law really frowns on stealing from children.
It would be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was all fun and games up until that point, right?
When toasting the holidays Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a "Bud."
My Girlfriend always says I never know when to quit joking, and to that I say... "GOT YOUR NOSE"
"Daddy, do butterflies have really small penises?" Parenting books didn't prepare me for that. And I am *not* Googling "butterfly dicks."
Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality. 
Prank: if you're standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can tweet that"
What's a dogs favorite TV show? Bones.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Why does Gandalf prefer coupes? Because other cars have Mordor.
How can you tell if the kid that stole your bike is half black and half polish? He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.
What do chicks and jobs have in common? They're usually only interest in you if you already have one.
The first messenger to say "Don't kill the messenger" definitely got killed in the face.
According to rom coms, I haven't met the perfect guy because I've never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
What do you call a black man on the moon? *An Astronaut*
Whats so special about "demon cats"? Aren't all cats pure evil?
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today? Husband:Yes. Wife:Is she smart? Husband:Yes. Wife:Is she pretty? Husband:Yes. Wife:How did she dress today? Husband:Very quickly.
Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?" Nurse: "B positive." Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."
What's a businessman's favourite dessert? Profiteroles!
Having sex with people that have low IQs is f*cking stupid
(First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: WHATEVER THE DARK LORD COMMANDS
What did the tomato say to the peach? "Nice pits."
"Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN'T eat chocolate. It'll kill them." - God inventing dogs.
Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He has loco motives.
How are a pizza maker and a gynecologist the same? They can both smell it, but they can't taste it.
Donald Trump's tweets are actually really entertaining if you imagine him tweeting from a gold toilet while having violent diarrhea.
I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked. Some even like getting pead on. Don't turnip your nose at this.
*shows up at ur door holding a bouquet of flowers with all the petals ripped off* hi, i brought u som flowers that told me u love me
What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude
"Can you cook dinner tonight?" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light
My mate said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his balls. I said, "Fucking hell, How much did she charge you?"
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
How come Jesus could never play for the Blackhawks? Because he's always getting hung up on the boards.
Have you heard about the new Corduroy Pillow? It's been making headlines.
What sound does a dying Turkey make? Coup coup coup
Why does it always have to be "he's addicted to drugs"? Why can't it be, "he's passionate about drugs".
You look so perfect standing there, In my American Apparel underwear, But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
What do you get when you run over geese? Goose bumps
What comes after 69?... Teacher: What comes after 69? Student: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!
I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on. If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Why did the Carpenters wife leave him? Because he was screwing around.
Q: How do you kill a retard? A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"
I found my Dad's old porn stash I had no idea he was in so many movies.
What is the most confusing day in Harlem Fathers day
Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.
I take my women like I take my coffee. Really hot and all over my crotch while I'm driving.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What's stopping them?
What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp. 
*turns around in my chair and I'm stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I've been expecting you.
For weeks I thought my neighbor was keeping his car under one of those car covers. As it turns out, it was just his old car's ghost.
Why do Japanese people have slanty eyes? Atomic bombs are realllllly bright.
Why did the house go to the doctor? He was having window pains I'm sorry
What is brown and sticky? A stick....
I shoot cans... Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, and Africans.
My Culture Brings all the Terrorists to the Yard... and there like Allah Akhbar, Damn right put a bomb in your car i'd preach you but i have to Hajj
I wish we could still defeat bullies with synchronized dancing like in the 80s
Fred Flintstone only gets haircuts in the UAE... It's the only place he can get an Abu Dhabi Do!
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Finger wager why do women like the oldest men as their gynecologist. (visualize) uncontrollable shaky finger.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk. - TommyEdisonXP (youtuber)
Are you a Carbon sample? Because I want to *date* you.
Classic An Englishman and an Irish man walk into a bar... ...they were watching Wales get through to the semi final.
What do you call a rotten lamb chop? Food gone ba-a-a-a-a-ad.
Perforated Paper Products Inc just went out of business. They should have seen it coming. They had a tearable product.
After having sex in a sea... All i can say is that it went swimmingly... I'll^take^my^leave^now...
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting] I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Why did the green bean go to jail? He was disturbing the peas.
KFC Team Member: Anything else? Me: More gravy please, I'll say when [several hours later] KFC TM: WE'RE GONNA DROWN M: I didn't say when
Russian history in five words ...and then it got worse
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.
Not not mine but I thought I'd share Job interview - How many years of experience do you have? - 50 - Really? You are 40 years old - I had lots of overtime
Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references "yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids"
Why do watermelons have water in Them? Because they are planted in the spring!
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like "oh yeah, I totally get it."
What's big and black and excites Reddit admins? A censorship bar.
Don't just assume I'm crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.
What's something a white person says a lot, but a black person never says? Hi dad!
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Congratulations on passing your test! You are HIV-positive
Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils. They're a massage in a bottle
Internet is filled with girls crying over Zayn leaving 1D. Never knew there were so many girls in the world until yesterday.
So I bought the new cod game. Best fishing simulator ever.
"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals!" Hitler: "Mine fewer then" Reddit: "I did **not see** that coming" EDIT: Shit, I didn't get that Reich at all
Did you hear about the women who got wooden breast implants? A punchline would be funny here, Wooden Tit?
How do pirates get their hair to stand up? Sea-men. My brother told me that
Knock Knock Who's there ! Candy ! Candy who ? Candy cow jump over the moon !
*couple's marriage begins to fall apart* *marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge* Okay how about now
What did the people who hung Jesus to the cross say? Nailed it
How can you tell Voldemort used the bathroom before you? He leaves a dark mark
What do termites put on their toast? Door jamb.
A PS4 and an Xbox One got ran over Off in the distance, we hear the ambulance... WiiUWiiUWiiU
Nothing makes me feel more "white collar" than when I'm nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage no, really, so I can stop seeing this fucking joke
Why do mice need oiling ? Because they squeak !
Why did the LAPD leave the Dodger game early? They wanted to beat the crowd.
Snowmen Doe's anyone know the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? No? well I'll tell you snowballs.
What's black and dosent work? Half of London
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I'm not sure if that's considered sexual harassment or flirting.
You couldnt even have sex with me if you were the last person on earth! Good. Im not a necrophile.
What kind of vehicle swerved to miss a talking lizard in the road? Dodged-a-Rango
Him: You drank all that Coke? Me: Well, with my rum.. Him: ... Me: ... Me: How many beers did you have today? Him: Good talk, honey.
Why did a gambler scare everyone out  swimming? He was a card shark!
Your mama's hair is so nappy... Moses couldn't part it.
How do you fit 6 million Jews into a car? Send them to clown school.
If you slept with my husband I'd be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Today my girlfriend yelled today saying: "You weren't even listening just now, were you?" What a weird way to start a conversation.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don't like people.
I tried to eat a clock once... But it was too time consuming.
What do you call a gay couch? A homo sectional.
What do you call a porno starring Rowan Atkinson? A Bean Flick
Why do they call them brrr-itos when they're not even cold?
[after moving into a haunted house] *setting up potters wheel* OH NO WHO WILL HELP ME LEARN POTTERY *sitting in silence for 40mins*
Why did the crab take the last slice of pizza? Because he's shellfish!
I hate being bi-polar It's awesome
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she'll call security.
*walks into library* "Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?"
Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he 's married.
*Wakes up* "Wow I feel pretty good" *Moves body* "Maybe I spoke too soon"
What do you call an apple filled with cement? Hardcore.
What do you call someone who only speaks one language? American.
What are Mario's overalls made of? Pixels.
What is the most successful hotel? Auschwitz, 6 million stars.
female rappers the only flow female rappers have is their menstruation
Knock Knock Who's there ! Carson ! Carson who ? Carconogenic !
How does a pitcher walk a man in Burger Land  baseball? He throws four meatballs!
I tried to make a joke about coins But it didn't make any cents
You hear about the incredulous Japanese man who didn't cry at his own father's funeral? Poor guy couldn't bereave it.
I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.
What do you mean I can't identify as a television? Just watch me!
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop] *The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago... on this very night
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Why do so many people swallow everything Trump says? Cause they don't have enough teeth to chew it.
I thought it was you A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
I don't understand most terms used on Reddit And I'm s/o sick of it
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
I'm so out of it I just asked my dog to hand me something. To be fair, he gave me the same blank stare my kids would have.
I went to the store today and bought a movie called "Tiger Woods' 18 Greatest Holes" When I got home, I was disappointed, it was about golf
The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Britain went to the middle east and are like I'd made a mistake. Iran
I heard a joke about a grizzly giving birth to cubs... It's bears repeating.
What does a pig put on it's nose for a sunburn? Oinkment!
What is Facebook? Its a Place where Boy posts a JOKE and Gets no Response &amp; If a Girl Posts the same JOKE , She gets Hundreds of likes , comments and Friend Requests and Lots of PM's .
Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less than his wife.
*voluntarily spends hours on the internet daily* neato *friend sends 5-min video to watch* do i look like im made of free time or something
Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend.
I asked my Dad if we could get any pets... He said pets are just a step backwards.
Grapes.. What did the green grape say to the purple grape?.. BREATHE IDIOT, BREATHE.
At a family gathering of Rednecks, NEVER say "come at me bro"
I hope the all-female Ghostbusters reboot proves once and for all women are as equally out of ideas as men
Whats the best way to eat a vegetable Go for the wheelchair first
Best politically incorrect joke you have heard ?
If you rearrange the letters in "Vladimir Putin" you get murdered.
Instagram fail Yes, i liked the picture on instagram that you posted 153 weeks ago And no, i didn't do it on purpose...
I was driving on the highway and seen a sign that read "Next Rest Area, 10 Miles" That's a pretty big rest area
Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I'm stuck in my restroom forever.
Use the promo code NETFLIX To get 50% off your next exam!
I have a closet full of voodoo dolls created in the likeness of people I have seen with 11 items in the '10 items or less' checkout line.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
How to rap like Pit Bull: Spanish Spanish Spanish Mr Worldwide DALE!!
A priest, a rabbi, and the Holy Prophet Muhammad walk into a bar. The Prophet Muhammad beheads the priest and the rabbi, and burns down the bar.
There are 2 LOSERS who hang out at the same sidewalk corner everyday... The taller LOSER says to the other "Hey man, have you seen my keys?". The other LOSER replies, "No, have you seen my wallet?".
Called my Doctor, in a panic, serious difficulty "passing" urine. Turns out, it's just that I drive a shitty mini-van.
two snakes in the desert Two snakes are crossing the desert. After a while one says to the other: Slow down, lets rest, i cant feel my feet.
There r three things i hate Pessimism. Hypocrisy. And the world.
I looked down on the earth from an airplane yesterday and there are PLENTY of trees left, don't worry!
What do you call it when a man is given an order to take another man out lunch? A MANDATE *snicker*
I rather have an enemy who admits they hate me, instead of a friend who secretly put me down.
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist? One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
Don't eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Why do rapists make such great salesmen? They don't take no for an answer.
Yo mama middle name is Rambo.
Disneyland fires employee for wearing Muslim hajib. Surely, they could've moved her to the Aladdin ride.
Q: If one horse is in the corral, running around the perimeter of the fence, and another horse is running free in a field, which one is singing, "Don't Fence Me In"? A: Neither. Horses can't sing.
Daddy is the government going to keep us safe from terrorists? No son, they're busy protecting us from drugs and home made clocks.
"SANTA" rearranged is "SATAN"...I'm on to you fat man
What did the composer say on a date? "I'm a Classic Romantic....I'm also Baroque."
I always enjoy sharing old memories with the @sshole from my old high school... while he is ringing up my groceries.
Make little things count!... Teach midgets math!
Why are criticisms of Donald Trump unfair? Because they always take his statements out of Kampftext.
If you do a Google Image search for the number '241543903', you will find out why the human race is so fantastic.
The shortest Irish joke in the world. Two Irishmen walked out of a pub.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
A friend told me he was karyophil And i was like "Are you fucking nuts?"
my life is a joke with no punchline
My wife left me According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around. In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.
Divorce &amp; Circumcision Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
Remember those days when using "protection" meant wearing your helmet?
She is such a hoe that she doesn't have boyfriends.. ...she has daily active users.
A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more fcukable than they actually are.
Whenever people say they're willing to do "whatever it takes" to "make it in Hollywood" they never mean "patiently work on their craft".
Raj Koothrappali met Justin Bieber... Unfortunately he couldn't speak with him
The very first thing you learn in life is how to think outside the box.
What dries your clothes but can also make you writhe around in agony? A tumblr.
Don't hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that's Ludacris
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Why do people like amputee porn? It fucking stumps me.
The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an "I'm cooler than you" look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me
It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
When I heard about Ferguson.. ...I assumed it related to Sir Alex Ferguson
What do you call a dead fly? a flew
Q: What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats? A: A slurpent.
If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!! Me: Not with that attitude.
What do you call a car if you don't know its gender? Mitsuheshe.
What can a Chicken do that you cannot? Eat with his pecker.
I thought a drone was the sound women make when you're trying to watch the game?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay Sounds suuuuuuper fun if you don't happen to know what either of they things are.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp ? A bear faced lyre !
"Be right there! I just need to rip my lovely real eyebrows out & draw shitty fake ones in their place." -Thousands of women
Leprosy joke What did the leper say to the hooker after they had sex? Keep the tip.
Geico could probably save you more than 15 percent if they stopped spending 95 billion dollars on advertising.
What's a rancher's favorite sex position? Doggy style. You can't really do much else to a horse.
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The White House Correspondents' Dinner is ... just a big political party.
How many Murdochs does it take to change a lightbulb? They were unaware the lightbulb was an issue &amp; regret unknowingly paying to change it
I wish the NSA would stop listening to my Facebook rants about the NSA listening to my Facebook rants about the NSA
So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally I think she's a keeper
When Egypt had no internet, it was called Gypt.
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math
I want a house I can drive my car in You could drive from vroom to vroom.
What does a pig use to write his term papers with? Pen and Oink!
Worst idea you'll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old's squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.
Original Corny Joke Who leads the corn into battle? The kernal! Bahahahaha
Nuts. Two peanuts went for a walk in the park,one was a salted.
I asked Christian Bale how many ex's he had... ...he started counting, and then he fell asleep! (works with any welsh person's name)
How can you tell your sister is on her period? Your dad's cock tastes like blood.
Why would Rip Van Winkle make a good janitor? Because he swept for 20 years.
How many Heros does it take to screw in a lightbulb? All, to save this world from the darkness.
How do you piss off a bunch of people on the internet even worse? [Deleted]
Words: For when an emoticon just isn't enough.
What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? The candle is a thousand times brighter!
Honey, does the baby do parkour? "No" she says. He replies "then he fell out the window".
What came first - the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
What is the best thing to come out of Italy? An empty bus..
Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don't send me a fruitcake. Already got one.
"I dropped my toothpaste"... ...he said, crestfallen.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
Why do woman vacuum? So they can practice there sucking.
Made a reverse chain letter that said 'delete this email or you get bad luck!' and then deleted it without sending. Then I called it a day.
What would you call the Flintstones if they were black in 2015? The Flintstones.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
A seal walks into a club. The end.
ME: Jesus Christ, this is the slowest train I've ever travelled on BRIDE: Someone please get this prick off my dress
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Instead of getting Xbox Live I just drive to the skate park & pay obnoxious teenagers $60 to call me gay.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely ?  Because he was newt to the area !
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bettina ! Bettina who ? Bettina minute you'll open this door !
Romeo and Juliet.doc Is a play on word
Why do all Pirates wear eye patches? Chuck Norris.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything. Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT'S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
How does a stripper find jobs? She does netwerking!
I usually do not show favoritism... I usually do not show favoritism between my two daughters, but only one of them does anal.
Why does your sister have yeast and  shoe polish for breakfast ? Because she wants to rise and shine.
Condom Q. What did the penis say to the condom? A. "Cover me. I'm going in."
I thought of a black joke. But it doesn't work.
When geese fly in a "V" formation, do you know why one side is longer than the other? Because there are more birds on that side.
What do you call an introspective monk? A deep friar.
What does a male prostitute say when his phone keeps ringing after he's seen 3 clients in a row? "FOUR FUCKS ACHE!!"
What is the difference between a horse and a duck? One goes quick and the other goes quack!
Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.
I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
If they had a 4chan game... It'd always be in beta.
What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages? Peter Parkinsons
What do you call an exceptionally intelligent gay man? Homogeneous
A son comes to his grandpa.. ... And asks him "Grandpa, how comes all girls still like you?" "Eh, eh, my lil' son...", said the old man licking his eyebrow
What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine? **An immigrant.**
"It's not what it looks like," I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN'T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Morbid Humor What did one casket say to the other casket? Was that you coffin?
You're in a bar and a guy throws a punch at you You can't even react back or TheFineBros will sue you.
I'm not saying four kids is too many, I'm just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that's all.
I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the handle.
Whats a real pain in the butt? Dry anal.
i go to a lot of married ladies' funerals and play the part of an upset lover just to mix things up and for free shrimp
My GOD there is nothing on earth I want to eat more than this Bath & Body Works candle
What do toys and boobs have in common? Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most.
which is the best key on keyboard?
What is the best thing about duct tape? It turns no no no into mm mm mmmm.
Knock knock. Who's there? Saddam. Saddam who? *Seen*
My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, "I miss you dad, please take me fishing." But it keeps coming out like, "Hey, can I have $20 dollars."
Have you ever smelled moth balls? Oh, you have? How'd you get between their tiny little legs?
Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex.
My girlfriend and I used to argue in bed... I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish, and she liked to sleep with a Russian body-builder called Ivan.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I asked a girl to text me when she got home She must be homeless
My advice is to make money the old fashioned way (by intercepting Spanish galleons transporting gold from the New World).
A brunette tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian" The blonde replies, "Oh, you slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Why do they print nutritional information on Snickers bars? If you don't know candy is bad for you, what are the chances you can read?
"I'm sorry I'm legally not allowed to take more than 3 passengers." *runs through 4 red lights going 15 miles over the speed limit.*
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine-shaft? A flat minor
Remember busy signals? Crazy times.
How bad is it, doc? "Well, you'll never run again" So basically the same
Bought myself some of that "oasis soup" You get a roll with it
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I Love when my Friends help to Identify themselves as Technologically-Retarded Idiots by changing their Status to: "WOW I can't believe that you can see who is viewing your Profile!"...
Yo mama so poor when she found a penny on the ground she thought she won the lottery
Charlie Chaplin called I couldn't hear him though.
Why do all the little boys in Crete have golden penis's? Because thats the only place that King Mino's touches them!
A midget, who was a self proclaimed psychic, escaped prison today. Now he is a small medium at large.
Want to hear a joke about a crappy restaurant? Nevermind, I'm afraid it may be in poor taste.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
The man who invented anagrams has sadly passed away May he erect a penis
Indian Chief My friend got an Indian Chief tattooed on his arm. His arm never worked again!
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife He said i was toast.
On a first date: Her - So what do you do? Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers. Her - Wow, that's impressive! Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.
What do you give a cannibal late for Sunday lunch? The cold shoulder
Who needs all those spam emails? I finally found a way to make my penis 8 inches! Just fold it in half.
Why does Santa not have kids? Cause he only comes once a year.
"It behooves you." -Inventor of the horseshoe, explaining to a dubious horse.
Patient "Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."
I am terrible at English... But I love meth. **Note: As far as I know my brother came up with this joke and I can't find it on the internet so.**
Why do chefs put so much effort into baking cakes? Because you only get out what you pudding.
The birds and the bees I told my son about the birds and the bees. He then told me about the postman and my wife.
Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.
Your momma so slutty... ...her spirit animal is the swallow.
A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential? Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.
Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I'm real excited to take it and see what happens.
If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"
My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).
Get $10 off any drug purchase by using coupon code "Do you have change?"
My Asian girlfriend told me there's nothing wrong with having a little penis. I still wish she didn't have one, though...
Did you know George Washington is not on the 1$ bill? It's just a picture of him.
New study shows that Diarrhea is hereditary... Because it runs in the jeans.
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding? A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
How many Vietnam War Veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? You don't know man, you weren't there!
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Wipe that smile off your face :
Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don't think I'm beating her.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out. Because they do my head in.
Did you hear about the guy hit with the 2 x 4? He was board to death.
Stop leaving the freezer door open! This is why we can't have ice things.
Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Why do historians believe all nazis were women? They all had blood on their hands. Credit of the joke goes to James of FunHaus
Under communism, every man has what he needs. That's why the butcher puts a sign up that says: *"nobody needs meat today."*
"Pick a card....any card." -impatient Hallmark employee
What do you call a homeless horse? Unstable.
ME: who's a good boy *kissy noises* DOG: I just murdered the cat ME: you are, yes you are *rubs dog's head* DOG: you're next buddy
Where do you find a one legged dog? Wherever you fucking left it!
Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I tried to propose to my girlfriend from Thailand today but it went wrong. As soon as i got down on one knee she started undoing her skirt
*Jesus comes into the house* Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn? *room gets super quiet* Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry
You don't' have to be upset, if nobody notices you You'd make a decent sniper!
I'm thinking about joining a sports team just so I can get my butt slapped.
Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road? A: He saw some American do it on TV.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
People laugh cos I've got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who'll be laughing then?
Did you hear what happened after an Iranian mullah walked head-first into an airplane propeller? The shi'ite really hit the fan.
Bombing Terrorists in Baghdad recently blew up a drainage system. Police there are calling it a sewer-side bombing..
I thought a vasectomy would prevent me from having babies. But all it does is change the color of my babies.
How much does it cost to clean up Germany? About 6 million.
I told a popcorn joke to a bunch of military men The Colonels burst!
What did the cannibal comedian say as he battled through his steak dinner? Tough crowd.
Where do epileptic midgets go for pizza? Little Caeser's
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
And I don't want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn't cold, save it for the elves, Santa
What do you tell a mathematician if he does drugs? You're high-on-pot...enuse. Thanks Key&amp;Peele, I'll see myself out.
How do you make a gay person angry? You tell him you've kidnapped his mother and that you want $5000 for her release, but when he comes just tell him it was a prank.
What does Amtrak have in common with Tom Cruise? They both like to go off the rails Edit: On a side note, I hope all of the passengers, and crew are ok, and recover quickly
what's the fastest animal in the world ? An Ethiopian Chicken
Why does the Indian chief hate snow? It's White and all over his land.
I want to make a jew joke Please don't jewdge me!
What do you do to an Elephant with 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.
If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.
If at first you don't succeed tell yourself a litany of excuses then numb yourself with Oreo blizzards.
I can't have kids CUZ the second they disrespect me hooomaaagaww I would throw a child out a window
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby? Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it's probably to drop off.
Wife. I'm going to bed. Me. Nooo! Don't leave me alone with the fridge.
Did you know If Olivia Newton John married John Travolta, her name would be Olivia Newton John Travolta.
Why does Pinocchio lie? Because he is a fucking liar!
How do you call the current situation in Syria? Very syrias
The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market
When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit. He said, "Like a cheap castle." I said I was confused. He then explained, "No ballroom."
Pinocchio in love So Pinocchio says to his father: 'Dad I'm in love!', his dad replies 'That's great, now you want me to carve you some penis?' 'No, better drill me a hole at the back' @_@
So they're selling crack in my neighborhood.. FINALLY
What's the difference between a nigger and a pile of dog shit? A pile of dog shit eventually turns white and stops stinking.
What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille? Do not touch.
Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor's outdoor Christmas decorations.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Once my gym teacher told me "you are what you eat." I Immediately replied "you callin' me a pussy?"
Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40" monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view
Two Pigs Laying In The Sun... One pig says: "It's so hot out here." The other pig says: "I am..." (_) ( _)&gt;- (_) "Bacon."
All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.
Not having a date on Valentine's Day doesn't really worry me... It's those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
"The house always wins," muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch's crushed body.
I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships.. "In HD" was NOT the right answer...
Old English Churches by Beverley Minster
How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hella.
What makes a grown man cry? Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.
What color were Kurt Cobaine's eyes? Blue. One blue one way and one blue the other way.
You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game? It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.
How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to screw in a light-bulb? None. They like to live in the darkness.
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forwards, they would still be in the boat.
Have you heard of the hard-working blind prostitute? You really gotta hand it to her.
My mom said I had to become closer to Jesus... We haven't spoken much since the border patrol incident
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Now I'm not saying pollution has hit dangerous levels in New Delhi, but all my friends there are celebrating Nausea November.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years. Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Walks you into the bedroom. Stands you up straight against the wall. *you notice the sign that says "You must be this tall to ride this guy"
What's the difference between a $1000 used car and a Rolls-Royce? One's a grand car and the other's a grand car
What's the difference between a cat and a comma One has claws on it's paws. The other is a pause in a clause.
What do you call a nosey pepper? jalapeno business
What is very big, gray, and just doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Do you know why turds are tapered? So your butt hole doesn't slam shut.
I surveyed 100 women &amp; asked which shampoo did they use when showering. 99 of them said, 'HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE'.
You know what they say about location in real estate? Not much but they say it three times.
Thanksgiving is probably the only day that there are more searches for "stuffing" on Google than on PornHub.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
They said the building was made from adobe... ... but then it disappeared in a flash.
Every day I thank God for giving me the power to keep being an atheist!
I just saw two people having aggressive sex while camping. They were fucking in tents.
me: how was your camping trip 5 y/o: good me: what'd you guys do 5 y/o: camped
Jaden Smith goes into the bar gain bin at Costco
The noblest of dogs is the hot-dog... ...it feeds the hand that bites it.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Why call him? He ain't coming!
Old mathematicians never die, They just lose some of their functions.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
What did the Joker say when he was at McDonalds? "May I take your order?"
Armless Alice Q. Why did Alice fall off the swing? A. Because she has no arms. Q. Knock knock? *who's there?* A. Not Alice...
I was going to make a joke about vaginas. But you'll never get it.
2038. walking to work i see a toilet drone flying by. i do the special hand clap and it flies down and lets me use it then thanks me
I'm on a whiskey diet I've lost 3 days already.
You had me at "Bathes regularly".
Anyone who thinks Jesus wasn't a white man has never been to communion The body of Christ is a cracker.
Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets
I have a very defined ab. That's not a typo, I only have a single ab
German women love me... I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month!
Why does the Catholic Church have so much money? Because Jesus saves.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
What's the difference between me and an egg? An egg gets laid.
This is my stepladder... I never knew my real ladder.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.
Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather? Me: Muggles....
People tell me I use too many cliches. But I take it with a pinch of salt.
My wife's been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Amish Joke
If a Hammerhead Shark met a Nail Tail Whale.. Would they..Hit it off?
In case you're thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her watch me poop.
I could live comfortably for the rest of my life on the advertising budget of an insurance company on any given weekend in the fall.
Somewhere in the world, there's a real Nigerian Prince who wants to share his millions of dollars but can't find a beneficiary.
So, I hear they're naming a new paint after you! It's called Whore Red. Not very Bright, but it's cheap and spreads really easily!!!
What two words have the most letters? Post office.
I went to get myself a glass of punch but...
I accidentally popped your first balloon. The second was my favorite.
DON'T shoot for the moon if you miss, you will land among the stars alone and asphyxiating
What's a member of ISIS's favorite game? Mario Kart: Double Daesh!!
If "six degrees" is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said "Hi."
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly. Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A gorilla with a machine gun.
I apologize for those affected, but at the same time I couldn't resist. I may have sinned. Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims; 110 stories in less than 10 seconds.
Mike Pence said that his Vice Presidential role model is Vice President Cheney. Huh. Who would've thought that after making so much LGBT discriminatory legislation that Pence loved Dick?
He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Knock Knock "Who's there?" "A police officer." "A police officer who?" "A police officer who just shot your dog, now open up if you don't want to end up like him!"
"Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I'll get it" *she grabs a shirt* "Hey don't use that!" *hands her a chip*
I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like? Depends...
Apparently shouting out "he has a gun" isn't the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.
I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive facebook pokers.
Why did I buy a bolt? Because the hardware store clerk was a 300 pound flaming homosexual, and I was afraid to ask him for a screw
Why did Eminem make a terrible barista? Because he kept insisting everyone only get one shot.
I once had a bad meal at a German restaurant. It was guten-free.
So I got brainfreeze today.. I was just trying out the cryogenic storage box 2000
My gf just sent me an SMS: "Spacekeydoesn'tworkcanyougivemeanalternative" I am really excited but what the f**k does ternative mean?
How did Helen keller's parents punish her? Put a plunger in the toilet
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of  the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
My wife got braces today, so last night I reminded her... I reminded her that last night would be her last pain-free BJ night for two years. Looks like I will be waiting another two years...
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
Damn, girl... Are you a Pokemon? Cause I wanna make your vulva sore.
As a man, it's impossible to walk passed a punching bag and not hit it twice before walking away.
What's the difference between erotic &amp; kinky ? Erotic is when you use a feather ; kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
My ex is looking for a job but I don't think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she'll be unemployed for a while.
kid dressed as dog: "trick or treat" me: wife: "give him some chocolate then" me: "i don't want to kill him linda"
A horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" And the horse replies, "I'm finally starting to realize that my alcoholism is tearing my family apart,"
What came first the chicken or the egg? The Rooster
Do you want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure..
Having intense back pain atm It's no joke
I promise to never take you for granted... unless we are shopping for counter tops.
From my handwriting identification skills. I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
Wife Wanted ad A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." :p :D
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday I'll tell you what, never again
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Jill: Have you read the Bible? Jack: No I'm waiting for the film to come round.
What vegetable has Avoidant Personality Disorder? *Lettuce alone!*
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Hello, princess. Can I call you princess? - No. - OK then, Mr. Smith, let's just get started with your prostate exam.
What's a vampire's favorite hobby?  In-grave-ing.
WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight ME: am i ever weird? [dinner party] CHERYL: how's the soup taste? ME: like the blood of my enemies
What do you call an avocado cut up into 6.022*10^23 times? Guacamole
My girlfriend had sex with her ex, instead of breaking up with her I did the same thing. For the record he said I'm a much better kisser.
What do you do when your washing machine breaks down? Give her a slap
I've got writer's bl I've got writer'ssssss somethinnnn somethin Writer's blah blah blah blah I'm going to get coffee.
I'm Dyslexic, Agnostic, and an Insomniac. I lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
What did one crow say to the other? Caw dude?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
What do you call someone who has blonde hair, blue eyes and worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster? A Pastafaryan.
Why do social justice warriors hate math? all the inequalities
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with "To tell you the truth" throws into question all else you've previous said.
The difference between a prostitute and drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and resell it.
Hey baby, is your name Polio? Because I am stiff below the waist
The other day I asked my Father how it felt to have such a wonderful Son. "Ask your Grandfather", he said.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he's still wondering what the hell happened.
A man fixes things If a man says he will fix something, he will! There's no need to remind him every six months...
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.
Did you hear a macaroni penguin is running against Trump? He's leading in the poles.
When I'm bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me "Do you know where this came from?"
If I had a dollar for every repost I've seen I'd be a millionaire
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you're giving him what he wants
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says "I need this done today."
The French name for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter translates literally to False Butter Has Entered Our Home
I was sitting in a pub discussing classical music and the bartender said "we've had about just enough of your stupid Bartok fella"
Black and Mexican jokes are the same Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
Williams Sonoma excels at selling me cookware I don't need to prepare meals with ingredients I can't afford for dinner guests I don't have.
What do you get when you put a live rabbit in the oven? A hot cross bun.
What does a dyslexic klan member hate? Gingers
What language do farsighted people speak? Farsi.
You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I'll pay someone to get rid of you.
A recent survey shows... A recent survey shows that nine out of ten people masturbate in the shower. Do you know what the tenth does? No? I guess you're one of the nine then.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
What's Forest Gump's Facebook Password? 1forest1
Want to hear an awesome lyrebird impression? You just did.
Mike said he's breaking up w/ u cause you're not very smart & u have issues Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
A man takes his wife out to dinner one night. The wife says, "I want you to treat me like a princess." The husband drives his Mercedes into a wall.
Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?
Pizza is my second favourite thing to eat in bed... First favourite is cake.
I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed. Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.
What can 5 men do that 5 women can't do? Pee in a cup.
hey baby did you fall from heaven because YOU'RE LUCIFER AND MUST BE DESTROYED
*fart noise* ME: it was your dog. I swear! GIRL: my dog died last year you liar GHOST DOG: theres no way she's gonna sleep with you now lmao
All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.
Anti-jokes: here are three of my favorite ones. Uno, eins, ichi
In the beginning there was nothing... Then God said "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. Edit: Credit to Ellen DeGeneris.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"
News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring. Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat. Edit: this is /u/Onetap1's joke, credit goes to him
Yo mamma is so lazy and dumb... She thought Jungle Gym was Tarzan's cousin! Original. You're welcome.
Why does lightning only strike the French? Because it follows the path of least resistance
A priest asks a little girl what she knows about the resurrection She says "I don't know much other than that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"
A woman says to her husband... A woman says to her husband, "I'm sick and tired of you pushing me around, and talking behind my back." The husband says, "but honey you're in a wheelchair."
Have you heard of the joke about the broken coinfactory? It doesn't make cents
Girl: My doctor says I can't have sex for two weeks...:-( Boy: What did your dentist say?
People talk about the environment like the Earth's in danger. Don't worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
What's 12 inches long and stiff in the morning? Cot death.
Q: What is 61 to a blonde? A: She wants 8 (ate) more.
What is a pirate's favorite element? Argon
if seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay? bagels
"I'm not washing it, I'm just gonna shove it in a pony." If you're a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
What did one brick say to the other? Guess who's gettin' laid tomorrow!
What happened when five fat French men got in the lifeboat? Cinq.
what is is called when you download undertale for free Papyrus-cy
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A chocolate BAAA
When I was a kid I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex, so I'd watch them from the wardrobe.
WINDEX CEO: listen, I can't have you making puns anymore. EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear-- CEO: you're fired.
My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie" She comes with half of Ken's stuff.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i'd be able to love again
Who loves fast food? Jared fogle
"Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?" Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job "ok" Number 7 will shock you "You're hired"
What's the worst part of being bipolar? The fact you love it.
What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!
Who killed the Corn Flake? The cereal killer...
I still whisper "We're in" to myself whenever I log onto a wifi network.
Guys.... Women aren't hard..... And if they are... They aren't Women.
Jared ended his career at Subway the same way he started it... (part 2) Enamored by 7 year old meat and buns.
Why did the tomcat get sent to prison? For looking at kitty porn.
Q: Why don't men fake orgasm? A: Coz no man would pull those faces on purpose.
I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating But he didn't take the hint
Kid sounds like the turtle from Finding Nemo http://youtu.be/3yDeag-HzuE
Wanna hear a joke about a stupid person? well, too bad. I can't talk to you over the internet. Stupid.
I woke up with a horrible hangover today... I could have sworn she was beautiful last night.
What did the Italian baseball coach say about the only woman on the team? Ciabatta very good!
Why couldn't the melons be together? Everyone knows melons cantaloupe.
What's a vampire's favorite dance? The Vaults.
I was in a bar with my wife, and a girl tried to pick us up. She succeeded, but almost immediately we were back on the floor. We like it there.
The French government has issued a statement regarding the recent string of terrorist attacks. Oui surrender
I always feel good about giving the money to the homeless,... Now they can afford more signs.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cereal ! Cereal who ? Cereal pleasure to meet you !
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he's finished.
The Hunger Games is the thinking girls Twilight I don't dislike Hunger Games but everyone over 20 knows this is a joke.
why aren't mexicans and blacks suppose to have kids? because the children will be to lazy to steal.
Arabs have invented a time machine It's called Islam. It takes any civilization back to the 7th century.
Where do you find a liberal at a convention? In the far left corner!
Somebody stole my mood ring... ...I don't know how I feel about that.
I removed the shell from my pet snail... because I thought it would move around quicker. Now it's just really sluggish
I like my coffee like I like my woman... No pubic hair.
Hey, guys! Let's get #Trending trending! Maybe for a moment we'll forget we're all going to die & our bodies will turn to garbage!
What material should you never use to create or build with? Tin that was mined by moles. Anything you make with it melts immediately.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on the keyboard? The space bar.
What is .Net
What do you call a teeth specialist who writes books? An author-dontist Wahey!
What has four legs and goes 'Boo'? A cow with a cold.
Me: What the hell do you want? Him: Um, YOU called ME.
my girlfriend must feel the same way about pizza as she feels about sex. if she has it one night, she won't want it again for a few weeks.
[spelling bee] Your word is "pneumonia". "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
4th law of thermodynamics: If you accidentally make a fart sound w/ your chair in a crowded room it's impossible to recreate that sound.
Roses are red... Grass is greener When I think of you I play with my wiener
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing, because he could never come.
Student: I'll never be good at geography. Geography teacher: Not with that latitude!
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?  A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
I can build and fix small engines using only vomit, feces and rotted animals. Due to my gross motor skills.
What do you call a random complaint in Star Wars? A General Grievance.
Beer before liquor, alphabetical order
I went to the zoo today. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shitzu.
What did the leper say the the prostitute? Keep the tip
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS KANYE: damn ur good
A man walks into a brothel and says "Gimme that woman right there." She's my wife, this isn't a joke.
Anyone heard that joke going around about paper? I thought it was pretty tearable.
Top 10 Ways To Avoid Clickbait, Number 8 Always Works Well, this wasn't one of them
How can you tell when an accountant is extroverted? He looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
[buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case
I'm not a professional photographer, I'm just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
What does the study of magnetism and self abuse have in common? The Right Hand Rule.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words 'bribe me']
If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.
After that release you can call me POTATO_OUT_OF_MY_ANUS
My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer. I guess I have emotional attachment issues.
just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I'm gonna need a minute
Man, boobs are amazing!
1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge. 2016: *watching cat videos*
Me: How awful do I look? Him: You always look beautiful. Me: Do I need to put makeup on? Him: Maybe just a... *stare* Him: No.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean? I didn't just pay $500 to have a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
When I grow up I want to be a kid.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall But his winter wasn't so hot...
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "See you in 30 days!"
A couple of dwarves got arrested... A couple of dwarves got arrested in London the other day. They got charged for possession of small arms.
If I had a dollar for every time Donald Trump denied something... Then I too would have a small loan of 1 million dollars
Please women who wear 1 inch heels. What's the point? You look ridiculous. What difference does 1 inch really make? Don't answer that.
During a prison break, I saw a midget climb the fence of the prison yard. As he jumped down, he sneered at me... I thought to myself, "well, that was a little con-descending."
I really like money, but I don't like to work.
Which actor is always criticising churchgoers? Christian Slater.
Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding.. First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?" Second fella says "A kilt of course!" First fella "What's the tartin?" "She's wearing white" says his pal
Boycott shampoo demand real poo instead
How near was the boy to his dad's tobacco stash before getting busted? Close... but no cigar.
It's an emergency! I need underwear jokes. My baby sister needs underwear jokes for some mysterious reason. I need your guys help!
How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go ride our bikes!
Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre? Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.
A man had sex with a baby horse [nsfw] He was clearly into pedo-filly-a
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Twitter. "...you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave..."
What do you call a man who inherits a dairy? A Dairy Heir.
Timmy was a chemist's son. But Timmy is no more. What Timmy thought was H2O was H2SO4.
I'm 34 and live with my mom. Just kidding... ... I'm 33.
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? White Vans
Gather round children, and let me tell ye the story of the black forest ham
Q: Why did the farmer make a high-pitched gasp? A: Because he was tired of the sigh-low.
How do you make a ghoul float? 1 cup of root beer, 2 scoops of ghoul.
What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect ? The Masked-quito !
I went into a vegan slaughterhouse. Man, there was juice eveywhere!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don't come back they aren't a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Where do dumb aliens go? Area 52
Two years ago, my favourite cow died Today, I finally moooved on.
Hey people that sit on planes not reading, listening to or watching anything: you look like serial killers.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he's paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Honey, I slept with a stranger tonight. April Fools'. It was your sister.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me agin tomorrow on still fat Wednesday
I respect older people because they made it through school without Google OR Wikipedia.
What do you call oral sex with your GF when she's menstruating? 6.9
What planet smells the worst? Poopiter. This joke courtesy of my 7 year old son. He was very proud of it.
My computer just said 'hello' to me. I think it might be a Dell.
Hey bartender, I'll take an entendre... ...on second thought, make it a double.
What do you call a gold fish with no teeth? A shit-fuck McGee.
"Who let the dogs out?!" - Pavlov getting angry
I met a man who gets turned on by conversation today. We were talking and it just came up.
How do you get Holy Water? You put water in a pot and boil the HELL out of it.
Which rapper would you rather bring back from the dead? - Tupac - Biggie Smalls - Eazy E - Meek Mills
A white officer pulls over a black man for speeding. The cop tells him to mind how fast he's going, lets him off with a warning, and tells him to have a good day.
What is the difference between a bag of cocaine and a four year old? Eric Clapton wouldn't drop a bag of cocaine out the window
Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.
What's a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
When I'm CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Husband comes home with a duck under his arm. "Look. This is the pig I've been fucking." The wife says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck." The husband says, "I wasn't talking to you."
Why did God create Adam before Eve? To let him get a word in.
I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.
Why can't a guy see his friends? Because he's married.
Why is a beer like a woman? After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.
Do retarded people know that they are retarded? Person A: Do retarded people know that they are retarded? Person B: I don't know, do you?
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's OK now.
If you're upset about the presidential election, just wait four years then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye
Thought of this while making breakfast. What did the microbiologist bring to the art fair? A cup of yogurt.
I told my toilet to go eat shit... I probably shouldn't have said that because he got all flushed.
What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay !!!
Did you hear about the cannibal who switched to Spam? He said it's the greatest thing since sliced Fred
Q: How did a blind man meet his wife? A: On a blind date!
In all the alternate universes, in how many is Kim Kardashian super famous and in how many did she just get fired from a Wells Fargo?
I broke up with this cross eyed girl... I thought she was seeing someone else.
Rik Mayall jokes What does a man with a two-foot cock have for breakfast? This morning I had a boiled egg. Why did the pervert cross the road? He couldn't get his knob out of the chicken. RIP
Two kinds of girls There are two kinds of girls in the world: Girls with big tits...and girls that get in the way when I'm trying to look at 'em !!
Why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen? Because they sell more tickets!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Some obscure number that you'll never understand.
Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and "we'll see what happens" is considered inappropriate.
Two men were sitting in a bar... Man1: I've fucked your mother! Man2: Dad, go home, you're drunk!
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Parkinson's Disease was named after its discoverer, Dr. Timothy Disease.
what do you get when you put a baby in a blender? nsfw an erection
If I untagged myself in your Facebook picture that had nothing to do with me, please consider it as a polite fcuk you.
How do you call a Russian tree? Dimitree
I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I'd never ask anyone to "jazz" all over my face.
What kind of pizza does Lil Wayne like? Little seizures.
911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.
A question from an agnostic dyslexic Is there Dog?
The egyptian man wouldnt admit he'd fallen in a river I guess he was in de Nile
A son asks his dad, "What's the difference between a boy and a girl?" His dad answers, "Well, there's a vas deferens!"
I don't understand why we're always sending pills to Africa... I mean... aren't you supposed to take them after meals?
If you're looking for candy corn, look no further than my trash can.
Just saw a guy with a chain wallet. A bunch of people were trying to steal his wallet, but they couldn't
I'm a perfectionist when it comes to being imperfect.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi
Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.
At a Starbucks job interview "What is your name?" -Alyssa "Could you spell that, please?" -L A R I S S A "When can you start?!"
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the face.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:"It's too desperate." J:"How'd you find out?" G:"I'm on both."
What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? (FIXED) He's black, it shouldn't be that hard.
Is this joke funny? I just made it up! A son walks up to his dad and says...are you a gay buffalo? And the dad looks at him and says, no, I'm bison.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I'm still eating
What do you get when you mix two chains and a cow? Truuuuuuuuuuu-moooooooooooooooooo!!!
"50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That's Ludacris!"
They just opened a sperm bank for gay couples. You can get it by the buttload.
There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat.
FUN AT THE PARK Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
What is the difference between a camel and a college student? Camel can go days without drinking!
So Batman skipped church... Call that a Christian Bale
One behaviorist to another after lovemaking:  "Darling that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"
COMMERCIAL: [Woman hangs screaming from a light fitting over a gaping abyss] Narrator: FLOORS
What do you call a black guy who flies a plain? A pilot, you fucking racist.
Here is a funny joke by George Lopez .
We often criticize pedophiles... but they, at least, drive slowly near schools.
I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow? Give her a shovel!
Why do dogs chase cats? To get dat pussy. . . . . . . I'll show myself the door.
"Bitches be crazy." -dog therapist
Christian men should have sexual orientation listed as bi... ...because they love Jesus
So, a dyslexic walks into a bra...
For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from Boston & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.
What do you call pasta sex? pennetration.
Does almond milk come from crazy cows? Cause they gotta be nuts, right?
What kind of lizard can run the mafia? The Iguanodon
me: [first gang practice] is snack time before or after the murders
What colour socks does a bear wear? They don't they have "bare" feet.
AOL had the largest growing Stock in 2012 I write jokes and put them on my phone number. 1-855-333-4469. Here's a video that supports the jokes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YaFbKvEw9c
What's the difference between a pizza and Trevor from GTA The pizza is less greasy
A man walks into a bar... ....and says "ouch"....
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel? WIFE: Which one? SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
No one really expected the Avatar porn It kinda just came out of the blue
wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit? Asking for a friend.
Some friends of mine had a baby. They didn't want to know what sex it was, instead they just preferred to wait, and see how much it earned.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over] I'm safe in my house [Day 7] Thought I heard clattering [Day 21] THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Why should I excuse your dear aunt Sally? Her operations were not unprecedented.
Two peanuts walk through an alleyway... One of them was assaulted.
I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn't even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.
When I was young, I slipped on some spilled beans and broke my spine, paralysing myself... Oh what I'd have done with Heinzsight.
A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk. Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music.
What's the stupidest, most useless comment that can still earn you some karma? This
What does the narcissistic cow say? "Meeeeee!" I wrote this. I'm now a comedy writer. You are welcome.
This joke was going to be about cheese... But it's not Gouda 'nuff.
*Shocking News*: Critics Say Kindergartner's Homework "Doesn't Add Up"
I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
What did the suicide bomb instructor say to his class? Now pay attention, I'm only going to do this once?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it's numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you have more than zero bumper stickers on your car you have too many.
How hard do you think Joe Biden laughs when a senate's bill gets 69 votes? I bet he has to leave the room.
How did the Reddit user read his newspaper? &lt;ORIGINAL&gt; He Reddit
Who is king of all the mice ? Mouse Tse Tung !
Why do soccer announcers make terrible business executives? They constantly discuss productivity GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAALs.
Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson pouring champagne all over his naked chest? An astro-fizzy-tits
Is Schrodinger's cat alive? Short answer: No Long answer: Yes
It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with "If I was a boy" now there is this Bieber chick with "If I was your boyfriend"
Bad: I saw my girlfriend's name and number on a couple of men's bathroom walls.. Worse: It was in her handwriting...
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Hey, did you hear the one about us doing this?"
If you don't have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
I went to a homeless themed fancy dress last night. It was shit.Fcuk all food or drink and we stood outside in the rain all night.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking? Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that's not tied in a knot*
*takes earrings out* *takes bracelet off* *slips out of shoes* *tears off jeans, shirt, bra* *shaves head* Ok Doc you can weigh me now
mom: do the dishes me: i cant im ugly
Hardest job in the world is being a Police sketch artist in China.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don't use one, you never know what you're goin get.
Chuck Norris died yesterday. He's fine today.
If two vegetarians are arguing is it called a beef?
Goal weight: "are you ok, you look sick"
My wife and I always fight about my socks on the floor, so I threw them at her. Was arrested after she told the officers I socked her.
What's the best thing about 23 year olds? There's 20 of them.
*Creates Animals* God: They're magnificent. Angel: Some of ur best work. Man: Which ones go on pizza?
So afraid of commitment I only play "Words With Acquaintances".
What is Marios favorite type of pants? Denim Denim Denim
What's the difference between a wife and a dog? The later you get home, the happier one is to see you
I wrote down a joke about prepositional phrases But I can't remember where I left the paper at.
My internet goes at 20mb per second... wonder how much faster it goes per first!
Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Women call me ugly until they find out what I make Then they call me ugly and poor
The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike She wasn't promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. (Mat Ewins)
Kids, don't grow up... it's a trap!
I put as much effort into life... As the guy who named the sleeping bag
Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach? A: Sandwitch
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the chin.
How do black people grow? Their knee grows!
What was the name of that south Korean who had a foot fetish? Suk Sum Toh
I want to marry a girl from Prague I'll have a Czech mate
Its best to put your phone on some rice when its wet Asian people will come at night and fix it
Did you hear about the german who accidently put his hand in boiling oil? he Gottfried..
If the world is getting smaller why do postal rates keep going up?
Why are homeless people always laughing? Because they crack themselves up!
Why did the oil covered seagull get sued? There can only be one goo gull
What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
Why are there no Motown artists from North Korea? Because they have no Seoul.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don't want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim's
Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding. One said "What are we going to do?" The other replied "Quick turn the car into a side street."
How did the tiny frozen dinner meet the little kid's belly? microwave
Why did the traitor wear two watches? Because he's a two timer.
I don't want to alarm anyone but I've purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there'll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11. NO WEIRDOS
Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit One fly passes gas and the other looks at him, "Come on man, I'm eating over here!"
A little bit of racism Scientists have found that your fingerprints may indicate that you are black or white. For example, if your fingerprints were found at the crime scene, you're probably black.
On their death beds, I bet a lot of bad guys wish they would have turned around and watched more explosions.
An angry teenager from a Catholic home began dressing as a monk to mock his parents' faith. When asked by a friend how her son had been, the boy's mother replied, "Well, he's been-a-dick-teen lately."
Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel. I won.
"IT'S NOT A RACE, YOU GUYS!" i yell from 6th place
What car does Luke Skywalker drive? A Toyoda
If I had a dollar for every time I said this I would be making money in a real weird way! Best comic I ever heard, Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005).
Why did the pervert cross the road? He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
A friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, "that's bananas"
What do they say about building an erotic statue? "If you build it they will come."
Veni Vidi Venti. I came, I saw, I ordered a Caramel Macchiato.
Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk.
Why Obama shouldn't take the penny out of circulation. He said he would bring change, not take it away.
You know, this conspiracy with the Patriots has left me deflated.
What did the bread say after its massage? Ahh, I kneaded that.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Never trust anybody who has graph paper. They're always plotting something.
My ex said my penis resembled a tic tac. So I asked her, then why does your sister still have bad breath?
*does coke* *has unprotected sex* *smokes cigarettes* "oh haha no I don't drink soda because it's bad for you"
Boy: What's the biggest ant in the world?  Girl: My Aunt Boy: No it's an elephant. Girl: You obviously haven't met my Aunt
Dogs that don't bark are the most dangerous of all They're woofless
I just can't wrap my head around decapitation.
OC: What does Babe Ruth and roughly 100,000 antelopes have in common? They're both ballpark figures.
Doctor told me I have cirrhosis of liver How am I going to cure my alcohol addiction now!
You're never too old to disappoint your parents.
How is the world like a bag of jellybeans? Nobody likes the black ones.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own. Now they're like "That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart."
I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild. EA
I was about to tell a gay joke butt fuck it!
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad's house
"Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you." "Is the male lead obsessed with me?" "Yes." "I'll do it."
What if... ...the U.S. government builds a wall to keep the Americans in?
How many tweekers does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on which method you try....
whats the difference between jam and marmalade?..... You can't marmalade your dick into a chick's ass.
3 words, 8 letters. I wanna hear you say it I am Groot.
[oc] I just bought a new computer. It is Made in Jamaica. Runs really fast, but doesn't do anything useful.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in panic like everyone else in the car.
What is Gollum's favourite bird? A Smeagull! :D
Why does duck taste better than turkey? Because turkey is just poultry in comparison.
What does a sassy ghost say? Boo you whore
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still, no eye deer.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.
Hey, car guys, I got a joke for you the Toyota Prius.
My last job was circumcising elephants The pay wasn't great but the tips were huge.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four it would be a chicken sedan.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you're going to boast non stop about your pregnancy at least give birth to something fun like a puppy, a bouncy castle or a bag of weed.
Why gypsies boys let their mustache to grow? To look more like their mom.
Driving isn't about making the moves you want, it's about preventing others from making the moves they want.
What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? Eiffel.
What do fat women get for valentines day? Depressed.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not. Q: What type of bees make milk? A: BOO-Bees! And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.
First Kiss BF finally Kissed Her GF GF: Wow i can't believe that a Kiss is so nice.. BF: Ofcourse I told you.. Is it Your First Kiss? (smiling) GF: Yes! since my EX Boyfriends wants sex right away
If a man sais he'll do something, he'll do it! You don't have to remind him every 6 months...
How does the Pope get around New York City? Mass Transit!
E-mail Addresses Are Kinda Like Underwear... If you don't change them often enough they'll get full of shit
Watch I was walking down the street one night and a guy came up to me and said, "Can I piss on your wrist?" I said, "Not on my watch"
I shadowed an opthamolologic surgeon today. The experience was really eye opening.
Just thought I'd let you know that I'm a chronic kleptomaniac... but don't worry, I'm taking something for it.
"Ask" is the first word in the Spelling Bee every year, so they can immediately eliminate all the black kids.
Why couldn't the FBI find Sepp Blatter's bribe money? He used it all to bribe Canada to host the Women's World Cup.
I would never expect to get a penny from a dollar machine. It just doesn't make cents.
What did the doctor say to the angry midget? I'm going to have to ask you to be a little patient.
What did the pig say when his brother rolled on  him? "Heavy!"
I told my friend that she had one of the nastiest bodies I've ever seen I hope she doesn't hold it against me.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I told my dad I lost my virginity... He said "You were on bottom?... Then you really fucked up".
Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I've only been here for like 5 minutes and you're already gone.
The ultimate catch-22. My boss said I need to improve my work ethic. I told him I'd work on it.
make love, not war 1) In the 60s, they made love, not war. I'm married. I make both.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffe before it was cool.
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.
Why did the French chef commit suicide? He lost the huile d'olive.
My wife has everything I could ever want in a woman: Low standards.
How you doin' Jerusalem! "WINE" Here's a new tric- "MAKE WINE" Please, I've been working very hard on my routi- *dodges stone jars of water*
So I went to an abstinence conference the other day... All we did was wait
So apparently yesterday was middle child day... Nobody noticed
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
What did Princess Diana say when she reached the ball? ***gagging noises*** PS: I don't know how to spell that out.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for "located"
Siri, who's in my trunk?
How I want to die... I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What do you call a drunk muslim woman? Stoned.
What did the really ugly man do for a living ? He posed for Halloween masks !
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I can't get hard unless I can hear a gluten intolerant person weeping over a menu.
Why wasn't Christ born in Italy? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
*phone rings* "Yeh hi who's this? Sure he's here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u." "Who is it?" "Drastic Times" *crowd goes wild*
16: I hate old people. Me: That's where you and I are different. 16: You like old people?! Me: No, I hate everybody.
I love my church more than Dairy Queen, Cause we truly had rockin Sundays.
How many non-humorous people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One
My friend keeps saying "cheer up dude it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I'm sure he means well...
The secret to my amazing vegan burgers is real beef.
What did the dope dealer say after he got a colonic? I don't got shit.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond "Could this night get any worse?" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Why is Chicago called the Windy City? Because Indiana sucks and Wisconsin blows
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He's not ill, just really crap in bed.
What's worse than locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? Going in and asking for a coat hanger.
Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.
Schools should teach mandatory classes on when a phone conversation is done.
I got a ticket for bandaging a cat's broken tail A cop pulled up and gave me a ticket for retailing pussy in a residential area
Attention Girl: Why do you look so sad? Boy explains his whole problem Girl: Oh, that's why you didn't notice my nail paint?
I read a joke about the British pound... But it didn't make any cents to me
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn't real
The secrets of the baking industry are given out only on a knead to dough basis.
Congratulations to Amy Winehouse... ...on six months of sobriety.
I went to the zoo today There was one dog it was a shih tzu
Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
A pig walks ito a bar ot aother bar joke. Just my fuckig ' ' key is't workig.
They should make toilet seats with a rumble pack to shake your turds loose.
Opinions are like orgasms. I don't care if a woman has one.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
What do you call a divorced FBI agent? Fed-Ex
Whenever a bird shits on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on front of my porch just to let them know what I am capable of
How do you know your waitress is having a rough night? She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen.
Chris Brown is Selling his pitbulls. he doesn't want to live with something that can fight back.
Hear about the guy who broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra? The police are looking for a hardened criminal.
Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper ?  He had his own frog horn !
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
What do you call 6.9? Yet another great time interrupted by a period.
What did Pinocchio say to his girlfriend Sit on my face and I'll tell you some lies.
My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat. I answered nuts. We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5. My boy.
What did the Chinese man give his daughter? A clothes hanger.
I'm not saying it would kill me to work out, I'm just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance...
Knock knock...... Who's there? One Two. One Two Who? THAT'S ONE TO MANY QUESTIONS OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR
I got the early bird special at Denny's. Don't do it, these worms taste like shit.
Why are MMA fighters told not to blow their nose when in a fight? Oops, this was supposed to be for /r/explainlikeimfive. There's no punch line!
Where do the Sith go shopping? The Darth Mall.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax We get it you're unoriginal and watch SOA Hold on my daughter Grey's Anatomy is crying
So /u/unidan is housing a redhead Because her condo flooded and he owns a vacant rental property at the top of the hill in town. Thanks Dan.
Every journey has a beginning. -ahem- Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world...
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? He found a leek there.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I'm starting to think I'm going to be that guy that dies while Googling 'symptoms of a heart attack'.
I don't know why people say food in the military is bad... I was given a big chicken dinner!
A man walks into a bar. By the way, I'm the guy who accidentally knocked over Usain Bolt. Sorry, I'm not good with segways.
Today's a really good day... 10/10
[first date] "Tell me two interesting things about yourself" well I lie when I'm nervous... "ok..." and I invented oatmeal
Treadmills should just have one big button that says "Make Me Look Good Naked."
Knock-knock. Who's there? No, he's on first.
Whenever a woman says "how are you different from other men?" I normally respond with "I'm fucking hilarious." @MaleHonesty86
Ouija board......"your going to die!" Me: you're*
Time was invented by the clock industry.
*posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I didn't see anyone important today, so I'll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping  trips? Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!
Human confrontation has gone from face-to-face to phone call to email to text to :/.
What's the difference between anal sex and oral sex? One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak.
At best, I think I could be a Third Responder.
I would make a joke about boiling water But it would be too steamy for reddit.
Now imagine how close together the presidents' bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads.
unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.
What does a Mexican duck say? Guac guac
Old people always poke me at weddings and say "You're next" So I started doing the same to them at funerals
When I heard they had found the cure for dyslexia.. It was like music to my arse
The only 'B' word you should ever call a woman.... Is beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter
Why was the scarecrow promoted? He was outstanding in his field.
What's the pink panther's to do list? *To do *To do *To do to do to do to do to doooooo
Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives? Because they'll worship the ground you walk on.
So 3 mods and a user walk into a bar [deleted]
It's hard to take Star Trek's vision of the future seriously since everyone's not constantly on Twitter.
Haven't taken a dump in 4 days and I feel fine. Then again, I could just be full of shit.
I have an EpiPen... My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
If my life is like a highway, I sure hope it's like an interstate Lots of opportunities to get off
Four out of five dentists recommend brushing to deal with plaque. The other one recommends attaching a lion head to it.
What do you get if you cross a retard and a graffiti artist? Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.
What should I say? Someone just said I'm in denial But I'm not
How to turn black woman into spider? Kill her husband.
I found a girl with 12 tits... Sounds funny, dozen tit?
Why did the pro football player from the  last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup? He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!
So a hydraulic jack walks into his family reunion. . . and says look at all these Pump kins!
If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.'
You can only say, "WTF?" so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.
What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians? Comic Sans
Which two farm animals are the dirtiest? Brown chicken brown cow..
Hubs: How long has your car been doing that? Me: ? Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight? Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar n.
What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker? In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service ever. "Sir, this is an aquarium."
Have you heard the story about the loaf of bread? No. Oh crumbs.
A young Hitler, and a young Mao are in a room with a cannibal The cannibal had dic-tator tots for dinner
Man goes to a library asking for a book on suicide... The librarian refuses. He asks why. The librarian replies 'Who'll return the book?'
What did ron say when he got Hermione pregnant? Fetus deletus
They say you have safety in numbers... Sure, tell *that* to 6,000,000 Jews. [Source](http://youtu.be/Rzb_p1mRW1M?t=4m48s) I really recommend watching the entire video though, it's hilarious.
My friend's spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic. Well, three can play at that game.
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milk shakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients.
When you're single expiration dates are more of a suggestion.
Daughter asked me she wants to feel like a princess so I forced her on a marriage with a man she's never met to secure our alliance with the French.
[pet store] COP: someone's been stealing puppies OWNER: OMG now I'm missing another one ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I got my dog vaccinated... ...I think she might have paw-tisim now.
E.T.'s last name was "Cetera"
I think my Waffle House waitress moonlights with AT&T; because I'm getting absolutely no service.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a... *Puts on sunglasses* "Airline fracture"
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman
Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
ok so when a guy marries four women does he wear four rings or just ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL?
Have you heard about Trumps revision of Obama phones? You'll be able to trade them in for a alarm clock and job application.
They say dog is a man's best friend and diamonds are a girl's best friend but My best friends are cows because steak and handbags.
A kid with A.D.D. walks in late for class... Look a squirrel!
Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.
When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise
What do black men do after sex? 15 years to life.
[JAIL VISITATION] WIFE: I got u a cake ME: U know I don't like sugar W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet M: It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people Push and pull
[How the rap feud started] Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b'day party? 2pac: sure, no biggie Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
What do you call an alligator with a vest? An investigator.
What's the worst thing about having a huge dick? Trying to hide it under the skirt.
What are Mario and Luigi's favorite type of pants? Denim, Denim, Denim
What's green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls from a tree? A pool table.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it's time to get some groceries.
H: What is that you're having for lunch? Me: fruit salad H: That's funny, it looks like a sangria. Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic's maiden voyage... In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Why can't you hear my grandma when she's taking a piss? 'coz her pussy is hanging in the water!!
Is it just me Or do you find pressing F5 refreshing?
Who is Samuel L Jackson's favorite historical figure? Oedipus
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
What did the egg say when asked what a whisk does? Beats me.
Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.
80% of men say they'd marry the same woman all over again. Related: 80% of men are afraid that what they say will get back to their wives.
What is a crossbreed between an elephant and a rhinoceros called? I don't know, but it isn't *relevant*!
It's weird how no one on The Jetsons ever addresses the apocalyptic events that left only white Americans behind, living in the sky.
What do you get if you cross a skunk and an owl? A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!
It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.
Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
One day I got this huge erection. I started running and hit a wall. You know what broke? My nose
My wife took me to the best 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men. Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.
Relationships are a two way street navigated by women who are backseat drivers and men who refuse to use maps.
You hear about the new cemetery? People are dying to get in there...
A group of people asked me to make a joke about barometers but I couldn't handle the pressure
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.
Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.
people are like "pokemon is basically dogfighting" but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
This party is boring. Let's make like a baby and head out.
What letter is like a vegetable? The letter P.
Where do cats go when they die? Purrgutory.
Obama and Bush walk into a bar... ...Clinton ducked.
People come and go but birthdays do accrue.
What's pink with seven dents? Snow white's hymen
I used to hate toe fungus... But now it's really growing on me
They say treat others how you would like to be treated. Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed? He got caught taking a leek
You can tell if a girl likes you by her ankles IF THEY'RE THREE INCHES DEEP IN THE BLOOD OF YOUR ENEMIES THEN SHE LIKES YOU
Heard of the new gay website? It's colon, enter, pound, pound, pound.
Today I learned that diarrhea is a genetic disorder Because it runs in your jeans.
How to trigger a Canadian My favorite color is gray.
Why don't undertakers provide free services? That would be a dead giveaway.
Q: What do you call Robin Hood's mother? A: Mother Hood.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
What did the cumulus cloud say to the stratus cloud? Why arent you precipitating? (a joke me and my buddy came up with while driving. and its scientifically correct. lol)
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Hip,hop da hippie, hip hip ya hop don't stop the drop da bang bang boogie.... I'm Drunk
Why is there a wolf in the smoke shop? He's just looking for a pack.
What was Confucius' favorite comfort food? Macaroni and Qi.
NSFW: "Do you spit or swallow?" I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"   She slapped my face and stormed off... I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!
It's like my nana always said, "If you choose your friends wisely, you'll never have good drugs."
Old game show bloopers...I miss this kind of humor today Found this video randomly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv3gK2bmkAk&amp;feature=related
Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this: There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
[Therapist's Waiting Room] ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you WIFE: yup ME: I knew it!
After watching today's Apple event, I can confirm the new iPhone will not be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing... they just waved.
If Claudia Schiffer married Brains from The Thunderbirds, she would become Claudia Schiffer-Brains. Claudia Shit for brains.
knock knock who there hop hop who knock knock who there hop hop who
[date] Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are. Him: That's a cop. Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer
What are spiders webs good for ? Spiders !
Why don't elephants like martinis? Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?
Quick! I need cheesy science jokes!!
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive.. they'd eventually find me attractive.
Just saw a license plate that said "LUV SLUG." I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
Why a baker? Why did the baker become a baker? He just couldn't cut it as a butcher.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer than the men who mention it
Reddit's management [interesting insight](https://i.imgur.com/z8uBXo0.jpg)
Im hosting a charity event tonight for people who cant reach orgasm If you can't cum let me know.
Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked.
How many people does it take to circumcise a Whale? Four Skindivers.
I said to the chemist: "Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?" He said: "Why?" I said: "She keeps waking up."
Why isn't ebola airborne? Because niggers can't fly
The average strokes per game at Wimbledon is 15, unless Maria Sharapova is playing then it is considerably higher...
I was going to tell you guys a joke about my poop but.... It's too corny
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
ME [Puts up "Have u seen my dog?" posters across town] HER: Oh no! You've lost your dog! M: No I just think u should see him. He's awesome
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired! ... I'll see myself out.
The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says "Cheese!" My immediate response is "Where!!"
[speaking at funeral] Deceased's brother: there's no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now Me: what about 'anguish'?
Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it's taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..
A redditor walks outside.
What did the scientist say when he stubbed his toe? Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium.
I told facebook my concerns about lack of privacy; they said they already knew how I felt about it.
Have you ever been to a Native American orgy? It's fucking intense man!
your style so sweet your smile so sweet your voice so sweet your eyes so sweet Your whole life so sweet!! In short; you are a sweetheart
I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday. BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
Just ate so much burrito that halfway through, I couldn't remember a time when I wasn't eating a burrito
Why Trump and that lady you sit next to on the plane who asks way too many questions are the same. They are both loud, annoying, fat, barely male, and completely unable to make america great again.
I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.
So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg? "No I mean do you have any questions about the job?"
Whats white blue and rectangular? A fridge with a denim jacket on.
Where do Eskimos keep their money? In snowbanks.
Why did the researcher take his paper to the harbour? To get it pier reviewed.
I'm in a hotel room atm. It has about 1034 millibar and 1 minibar. Sorry.
Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her car? She burned her mouth on the exhaust.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
What starts with "f" and ends with "uck" Fire truck!
Ugly is in the eye of the beholder as well.
Pork shoulder meat, ham meat, salt, water, preservatives. Sorry, that was spam.
Someone offered to take me fly fishing, but I turned them down. I like to keep it reel.
I went to a zoo the other day... All the exhibits were completely empty, except for one dog; it was a shihtzu
Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?
What do you call a blonde geek with cancer? A dumb terminal
"That 'Hanglider' bird is a tough sonofabitch..." "... I had to shoot it 5 times before he let the man go"
So I ended up sleeping on a bench last night... ...no hobo.
*job interview* "So this yearbook isn't your resume?" "No. I'm not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE's."
Starfish would be great politicians. They do shit out of their mouths after all.
I once asked an Asian girl for her number. She said "SEX SEX SEX, FREE SEX TONIGHT" I said "wow". Then her friend said, "no, she meant 666-3629."
You don't have to be Crazy to be my friend!........But it sure helps!
Did you hear that Tropicana funded the Nazi campaign? They made Jews from concentrate.
Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.
*grandma climbs into time machine* *shuts the door behind her* MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I'd make a joke about desecrating animal corpses But it would just be beating a dead horse.
Today my 6yo said it was good it's snowing, as that means the earth isn't getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
"No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa
I opened the door and said "Honey, I'm home...", she didn't reply She just stood still in the glass jar.
[Texts to 14] Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey [Reply] OMG DAD WAT? [Text] Hi
Every morning when the alarm goes off, I wake up & say "it's time to chase my dreams!" & then I press the snooze button & go back to sleep.
I have a Russian driving instructor. He tells me to "Putin to 1st" but i always end up Stalin.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I'm crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Every morning, I get out of bed and run around the block 5 times. Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep.
Never know what to say at funerals. "Sorry I ran over him" just feels so hollow.
A midget walks into a bookstore... ...&amp; asks clerk: 'do you happen to have any books on irony.' The clerk points to a shelf: 'top row.'
"I have a newt named Tiny." "Why do you call it Tiny?" "Because it's my newt."
A Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?" "Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments."
One joke. http://imgur.com/pjaDq
Yo mamma so stupid she stopped at a stop sign  and waited for it to turn green.
Why do woman have faces? So you know what cunts yours. I have to get a ratio of woman to man down/up votes for this haha..
My boyfriend is like an iPhone 7 Just jacks off
Why didn't the skeleton like to dance? Because he had no body to dance with!
Skinny Girl... What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
He who stands on a toilet is high on pot.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it's a boy! *holds up baby tricycle* BICYCLE DAD: what the hell? BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You 'neek up on him. How do you catch a TAME rabbit?
What good is Twitter if not to make arcane pop culture references that .0002% percent of the population will understand?
I've never understood people who don't drink because it's "bad for you" Honestly, I think they should lighten up and liver little.
[restaurant] ME: Do you have updog? WAITER: [sighs] No sir M: Ok, is this gluten free? W: No you have to pay for it M: Damn you're good
What's another term for anal bleaching? Changing your ringtone
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what's in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
What did the black guy see when he went down the roller coaster? His upper lip.
What do you call a German who doesn't eat meat? A Veget-Aryan
And now the most difficult task known to man: Quickly boarding a plane, stowing your carry-on, and sitting the fuck down.
I know someone who talks like an owl
I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
People keep comparing the election to Empire Strikes Back or Revenge Of The Sith... Personally I would have gone with The Star Wars Christmas Special
Honestly, after an hour of Disney Channel I don't give a shit about the future
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
First Time Around What do you call your first time masturbating? A first hand experience.
What happened when the Samsung Note 7 was launched? It was an explosive success
What makes a joke bad? redundancy.
I'm gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a light grey Me: ... My dog: if that helps
How does Mike Tyson say hatred? Hate Thread!
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear and one is a great year
COP: There's been a murder BATMAN: I won't rest until I avenge them C: It's outside of Gotham B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment
Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle? -No, go fish.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns... But I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What did the bunny say when he only had  thistles to eat? Thistle have to do!
I got gas for $1 today damn bean burritos.
Whats a trilby clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.
Let us all take a moment of silence to remember the many socks lost in the past and the fucking dryers that stole them.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this. Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up. Wife: You wrote 1992.
I have a lot of clothes but I only wear like 5% and It looks like I have none and I refuse to wear the other 95% because I fucking look ugly in them.
What does Patrick Stewart say during tantric sex? "Make it slow."
Wearing contact lenses for the first time. My vision's gone from YouTube to Blu-Ray.
What do you call a red-headed ninja? A ginja... Ensue mildly dramatic slow clapping.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests date 5: i don't think the moon is real
It was reported that listening to the band Queen links to giving you autism... It's because of the high Mercury content.
What do you call the mythical cookie baking creatures with strong vaginal muscles? The *kegel*-er elves.
Nothing says "I'm a shitty parent but at least I'm rich" like giving your 2 year old an iPad.
If you cant beat'em, join'em! Then kill them while they're sleeping.
What do you call a cow masturbating? Beef stroganoff!
What do you call a cow masturbating? Beef stroganoff.
Dear microwave companies, Why make us select "cook" at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something? Sincerely, Everyone
So many rainbows so little rain. Please send rain, sincerely California.
High-Speed Rail in the US.
Q: What do you call a clock on the moon? A: A lunartick.
Did you hear how Jared Fogel lost his first 40 pounds? He dumped his girlfriend.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he's fine] I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday "but the spider is done" Im adding 6 legs
I like my women like I like my _____ (Fill in the blank).
I told my sister a joke about the belts. I didn't know if it would hold up
What's the highest rated hotel in the world? Aushwitz, 6 million stars.
Some days, my only goal that seems attainable is dying in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.
"Don't fret." -Guitar that apparently doesn't want to be played
How do you please an Amish woman? 3 Mennonite...
'Why are you crying Ted ?' asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he'll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is... .... you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club
[FBI job interview] "Do you have any self defense training?" *flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I'm skilled at fencing.
Me: Ready for school? 7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost
[funeral] He looks so natural. Ya, but he looks a little stiff. *raises from the dead* "That's what... *gargle* ...she said." *dies again*
Why do donut shops not hire security? Because Cops go there willingly. Free security and protection.
Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema? Because they're unable to see the big picture.
How do we know that Batman is black? He can't go anywhere without Robin'
Who is the smartest rapper? Ice^3
My wife and I have an ongoing game called "Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House" that she doesn't know we are playing
I have a flight to catch but there is a cat on my lap
What did one orphan say to another? Get in the Batmobile Robin.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I've given up on cooking. It always starts off well. Then it just turns to shit.
Which laptop has the most pleasant speakers? A Dell
What kind of letters do feminists send? Hate male.
Where do Cows go for parties? The Moovies
Say what you like about Donald Trump.. But he's doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.
What did the fireman say when the church  caught on fire? "Holy smoke!"
How many ducks would there be if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks two ducks between two ducks and two ducks behind two ducks?  Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne usually waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
What do you call a fish with no eye? fsh
What do you call a cow that plays with itself? Beef Stroganoff
What's the tallest building in your city? The library, because it has the most stories.
Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde? A: She screams her own name when she comes.
Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters? Because he hates capitalism.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know yet. My Basement is still dark.
What is a vampires favorite drink? .
Did you know that the Coast Guard is the only branch of military with a minimum required height of 6feet? It's so if their boat sinks they can walk to shore.
Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Because Sheeran
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
What do you call a bread that catches a cold? Flu-catcher bread
Hear me out: Google Naps
There are 10 kind of people in this world Those who understand binary and those who don't
Well i thinks it's safe to say there will be no Turkey for Christmas this year
Thinking of getting my hair did and maybe also work on my grammar.
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.
NAKED MAN Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: "How do you drink water with that?"
Has anyone said, "Julia Roberts makes me feel like I don't have enough teeth," because I'd like to say that.
what the black guy get on his SAT's? BBQ sauce
'Behooves' seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use. -me, at 3:42am
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?  Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do you call a modified practice amongst border security workers? A custom custom custom.
The concept of blonde jokes are very simple. Everybody gets it, not the blondes though.
I used to make jokes about Japanese eggs... But I quit a long tamago.
What do you call lesbians doing karate? dikewondo
Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you're the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations. She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"
I got arrested for punching this guy at a new year's Eve party When you hear an Arab count down from 10 your instincts kick in.
Feed a fish to a man, and you have fed him for a day. Feed a man to a fish, and you have appeased Dagon. You have done well.  we crawl we rise
If Mississippi lost her New Jersey what would Delaware? Idaho, Alaska
Why did the Earth suddenly enter a manic episode then go back to a depressive episode? Because it's bipolar.
What do you find in the Pope's toilet? Holy shit!
Why did the relationship between the creationist and Organic molecule not last ? Because the creationist did not believe in carbon dating.
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't milk it.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista's beard. I have 3 roommates.
Did you hear about the contortionist who filed for bankruptcy? He couldn't make ends meet.
The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today
I went to Africa to help with the Ebola crisis. When I left, my mentor said thanks and told me that all of Africa was behind me. I instinctively reached for my wallet.
"Sup man? Yeaah, I'm incorporated." - business casual
Where does Lance Armstrong go to continue his education? http://cms.bsu.edu/
How do you make gold soup? Put 14 carrots in it.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of "Friends," you'll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
"There's nothing more beautiful than the birth of a child." (someone who's never seen the birth of a child)
so, Spring has sprung & love must be in the air, cause that's the 4th cloud I've seen shaped like an erection today. see it kids?! THERE!!
ok that's baby's 17th word *opens baby journal* so far we've got flerch, yarf, veerm... honey has it occured to you our kid is an idiot
I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?
Scientists recently discovered the source of the quark... It's the sound made by a posh duck.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.
Two vampires walk into a bar One orders a glass of blood, the other orders a glass of plasma. The bartender replies, "So one blood and a blood light."
I don't see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
What do your mom and Jesus have in common? They both got nailed
How does a Mexican use 'liver' and 'cheese' in the same sentence? Liver alone, cheese mine!
I like my women like I like my coffee.... ground up and in the freezer.
Give a man a fish, he eats today. Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Some people have six packs... I have a keg. My wife, however, has a goddamned brewery.
New Thanksgiving trend Forget Black fiday how about BLACK RIOT MONDAY
I heard Oscar Pistorius might walk at the end of the trial It's a miracle.
Hope Today I saw a Chinese baby and a Black baby wave at each other. It gives me hope for the future. Or at least another Rush Hour movie.
I want to start a club for unmarried professional women who want to meet other unmarried professional women and dance booty dances. We are gonna call it Nee Twerk.
If you don't need to change shirts after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right.
I want to pass away peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandpa did. Not screaming in a car crash like the passengers in his car.
An Eskimo walks into a bakery and orders an apple pie, a cherry pie and a blueberry pie. The baker says, "sorry, we don't serve Eskimo pies here."
I asked my adopted son the name of the workshop the DCF found him in. Build a bear
What do you call a female barber? A Bobbitt
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Tits are like Legos I'm always stepping on them.
I'm not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have hollow-weenies!
What did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip.
Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
If Albert Einstein sent you a text with a typo, you'd call him a fucking idiot too.
My mom and I donated 15 boxes of old books to Goodwill, and in every 100th book I left a note with an urgent spy message.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.
I never use the term "feminazi"... Because the Nazis actually got stuff done. Edit: Thanks for all the love and hate Reddit.
suicide bombing class... Welcome to Suicide Bombing Class 101. Listen carefully because i'm only going to say this once.
Blow your load That awkward moment when you're about to blow your load, and your teacher makes direct eye contact.
[NSFW] A Jelly Baby goes to the Doctor... Jelly Baby: "Doctor, Doctor, my penis has gone black." Doctor: "What have you been doing?!" Jelly Baby: "I don't know... Fucking allsorts!"
What's the difference between a personal trainer and a bully? None, they still take your money after beating you up. Edit: sorry for the typo.
I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don't need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
The difference between a gay guy and a fridge... The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Why did the unicycle win the race? Because the bicycle was two tired.
Who's the most forgettable Disney/Pixar character? Bing-Bong
What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.
I bet people who are actually from West Philadelphia get really tired of telling people where they were born and raised.
A movie called Jurrasick Park where there's no dinosaur activity because they're now sick for some reason.
I like taking pictures with my friends but my mom says she didn't raise a thief
When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom I guess that's why they call me handsome... Edit: front page! Everyone hating on my joke can suck it
I finally came clean with my girlfriend. When she came into the room, I said, "I'm seeing another woman. "She said, "Oh, thanks. All I've changed is my hair."
"Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you." *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud.
So a gun expert has a seizure His neurons were firing with BOTH barrels.
My friend asked me, "What is a palindrome?" I said, "No, it's not."
If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."
"When I hand-write an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two."
*Lexus dealership* Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?
What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis
No evidence is good enough for a Creationist... But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn't piss anyone off.
I heard that Al Qaeda recently received substantial financial aid from an unknown person in South Korea. It seems the terrorists have Won.
If chick-fil-a ever merged with five guys, what would they could call themselves? five-guys-fil-a-chick
"Do not iron" Like that was ever going to happen...
What do women and aircraft share in common? They both have cockpits
Your mum's so fat she uses Yosemite National Park as a back-scratcher, the Eiffel Tower as an ear pick and water slides as straws.
JUST ONE MORE STD TILL I'M OFFICIALLY A JERSEY SHORE MEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why should you never sit at the top deck of a double decker bus? Because there is no driver up there.
I told my dad that I was having trouble getting all my homework done... So he told me, "if you wait til the last minute, it'll only take a minute"
It's good Michelangelo wasn't around for twitter. Be a bummer to see him rt'ing whenever someone said how majestic the Sistine Chapel was.
Q:What did the tornado say to the car?  A:('You wanna go for a spin?')
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don't question it.
Why is there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because there's a Target on every corner.
Whats a butt's favorite exercise? High Knees
I had my photo taken with REM yesterday. That's me in the corner.
What do you call a drunk blue hedgehog? Gin and sonic.
What happened to the fly on the toilet? He got pissed off.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
What's the difference between reddit and Facebook About a week
If at first you don't succeed... Skydiving is not for you.
I saw some guy hitting on a girl the other day... I think it was Mayweather
A blonde and a brunette is sitting on a bench. Out of nowhere, the brunette says: Look! A dead bird! The blonde gazes up into the air says where?
My son went over to a friend's house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Whenever I see a whirlpool, I scream, "Help! That tornado can't swim!"
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.
Guess what? You didn't guess what.
Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
[slashing food truck tires] friend: wtf are you doing?! [running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I am a man who adheres to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" literally that's why I am still a virgin
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it's like to be sober.
What do you call Mary Janes vagina? A peter parker.
Who was the roundest knight at the King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference
What sexual position creates the ugliest kids? Ask your parents
I asked this vampire to think quietly about what he'd done but then I remembered they can't reflect.
A wife texts her husband on a cold winters morning... "Windows frozen" ...... Husband texts back, "Pour some luke warm water over it"...... Wife replies, "Computer completely stuffed now"
Dr: You have walking pneumonia. Me: That's impossible. Dr: Wha.. Me: I've never walked a day in my life.
How do you say thank you to a New York sushi chef? Gracias.
5 out of 1 dentists agree, they have multiple-personality disorder
What's a pedos favourite key? A minor.
How do you call a 100 m race between siamese twins? Head to head race
What was the name of the gay porno staring Macaulay Culkin where he became a prostitute in an attempt to pay his mortgage? Homo-loan
What did Vladimir name his member? Put-in. (In a Russian accent)
What did Jesus say to the Roman guy that pissed him off? Don't cross me.
CALIFORNIA Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.
Why didn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
The dish drainer is just my default cupboard.
I received a text message from an unknown number "I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I met someone else. Please don't call me anymore!" ... Even other people's girlfriends are dumping me now
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Why was Jimmy Glasscock bad at hide and seek? You could always see him coming.
The world's largest info tech company has merged with a mobile accessories company, but refuses to share a name with them. And they're not even sorry about it. Nope, they're not Apple-Logitech.
Millenials won't get this one Their own home
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins... Multi-porpoise!
I still use the word "dude". I don't give a dude. I don't use it right, but I still dude it.
Turns out an At Home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift
Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!
TIFU by mis-targeting my torpedo Whoops, wrong sub.
England was knocked out of the World Cup. It's the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of "Game of Thrones."
My mother-in-law said "just do what you normally do" when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
What's Spider-Mans favorite online music app? Spotafly.
When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.
I've got the "turning beer into pee" routine perfected. Now if I can figure out how to reverse the process then I'll be rich!
I tried to catch some fog the other day.. I mist.
What did the orphan poker player say? Will you raise me?
Superbowl XLVII - How does Beyonce answer the phone? *HALO HALO HALO!* - inspired from the Superbowl XLV11 Half-Time show
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I'll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
How do you know if a complete stranger is vegan? They already told you.
"Hunnnnhgh! Oh Jesus God! Aarrgh! - Carl Faberge, laying one of his famous eggs
Calling in sick to work... Me: Im not gonna be able to make it to work today bossman I'm sick Boss: You don't sound sick...? Me: Well, I'm fucking my sister, IS THAT SICK ENOUGH FOR YOU
When is it bedtime at the neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little one.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
"It's gonna taste really good." - excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You're Expecting Pizza
Just turned my welcome mat into an unwelcome mat by spray painting "CANCER" across it
Why did Mozart hate chickens? Because they all they ever say is Bach! Bach! Bach!
What's the difference between jelly and jam? Can't jelly my dick in your ass
I've just joined a reggae band playing the triangle. I just stand there and ting.
Can't release my sex tape because an animal was harmed during filming :(
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Ever had sex so good... That you told your wife when you got home?
Eating at this new Hitler-themed breakfast place, Luftwaffles.
Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid? He's back in town and wants your number.
Doctor: Are you on any antidepressants? Me: You mean like nachos? Yes.
I used to be a circumcist. The pay was shit but I got to keep the tips
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
My daughter used to hate eating vegetables. Until she became a vegetarian.
Girls are like square roots... If they're under 18 just do them in your head.
Did you hear about the gay Irish couple? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
You have tattoos and curves? *unbuttons pants* You're also batshit crazy? *takes off pants* You listen to Paramore? *puts on clothes*
Who would win in a race? The Tortoise or the Reddit Servers?
A homophobe, rapist, and black man walk into a bar.... and the bartender says, "What's up Kobe?"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alison ! Alison who ? Alison to my radio in the mornings !
Did you hear about the baby born with no eyelids? They used his circumcised foreskin to surgically replace his eyelids. The surgery was a success although he is a little Cock-eyed
What was Superman's first job? A Clark.
Why did the train kill people? It had a loco-motive.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I got thrown out of the zoo today.... apparently you're not allowed to feed the ducks..... to the alligators........
Ex-homeless man with "golden voice" announced he's running for president... Marking the first time Donald Trump has hated anything golden.
Don't call Donald Trump a cunt. He lacks the warmth and depth.
Justin Bieber was caught smoking weed. Right now weed is denying it to its cool friends.
What did the one strawberry say to the other? If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!
Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant.. Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says "My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back"
In his prime, Richard Simmons was, at best, in just okay shape.
Realized woman behind me at self-checkout line was from DMV. Made her wait 4 hours for her turn. Revenge is sweet.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don't know why we keep having to say this.
Difference between rain in India and USA is that in USA the water disappears in 5 minutes. In India the road disappears in 5 minutes
When the circus came to town they ran a competition to find the best contortionist.. ..so I entered myself and won
They found Ellen Degeneres dead today. She was face down in Ricki Lake. Did I do it right this time?
Why does Bernie Sanders support abortions? Because even after he's blown his load he won't pull out.
If you're suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
"I don't like the taste of water." - first world problem
"I'm happy with who I am, sure. But I'm not gonna go around calling myself "great" like some of these jerks." --humble white shark.
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder Destruction. I swear this joke is funnier in person. Try it, trust me. Panty dropper for sure.
9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool? Me: Sure! 9: *tells story* Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define "something cool".
a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads
Girls can be so ungrateful. I make her breakfast in bed and instead of saying "Thank you" she is all like "How did you get into my house?"
Am thinking of watching "Les Miserables". Am dying to find out why this dude Les is so sad. If I could just meet this Les guy and cheer him up, he'd be... (wait for it)... less miserable. :P
DAD: wat am i chopped liver CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Today at my school, someone dressed up as the Reaper for Orange Ribbon week He was looking pretty Grim
I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer No one will do it, though
If you throw a great Ape into one of the Great  Lakes what will it become? Wet!
What's a flamboyantly gay horse's favorite food?! Likely a mixture of things like grains, seeds, and beet pulp.
Bought my girlfriend a dildo and a t-shirt for christmas. That way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don't judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once. What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk? A Star-Spangled Banner.
Q: What do you call a home sexual on roller skates? A: rolaids
What do you call gay sound waves? Faghertz
What do you call 2 people singing in Hebrew? Jewet :D
Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD Its a concentration camp
A couple I know only eat raw meat. Their names are Sam and Ella.
I'm so bad with directions that every time I try to go to Pound Town I end up in the Friend Zone.
Arvind Kejriwal wants absolute control of "Aam aadmi party" to enforce inner party democracy.
The fattest Knight at the round table was Sir Cumference. He had too much pi
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church..... They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.
What's the same between a smart blonde and a UFO? You keep hearing about them, but you never see one
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? The pickpocket snatches watches...
How do you stop a baby from walking in circles? Pin its other hand to the ground.
wanna hear a science joke? Psychology
What has 3 heads, 2 legs, and 4 arms? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
Lesbian Neighbors My two lesbian neighbors asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanna watch. FML. They gave me a Rolex
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cargo ! Cargo who ? Cargo better if you fill it with gas first !
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I like Harry Potter? 934, kidding, I meant Emma Watson.
Have you ever smelled molasses? How did you catch the little buggers?
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground... Being the only adult around, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.
Give a man a bed, he'll sleep for a day Put a landmine in the bed, and he'll sleep for the rest of his life
The Bible Belt - the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
What do you call a muslim on a plane? A passenger.
Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers ass.
What do you call in-flight pilot training? Air conditioning.
Way to make a friend an Idiot Question: What do you do when you take a girl home only to find she has the largest vagina in the world? Answer: I squeeeeeze it in off course!
They're making a movie about a Kamikaze pilot who wants to assassinate a Catholic Priest It's called "Aryan vs Predator"
I woke up last night and there was an enormous black coffin at the end of my bed. So I gave him a cough-drop and told him to fuck off.
Moses parts the Hi-C... ...To save the juice
She *blows into Nintendo cartridge* took *blows into Nintendo cartridge* the *blows into Nintendo cartridge* kids
What kind of ships can't go in salt water? Snail-boats
Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars? ....The food was great, but there was no atmosphere.
I like my coffee like i like my women cold and bitter
How are a hobo and a balloon alike? Both are without visible means of support. (My son found that in a children's joke book)
I trust J.D. Power, but not his shifty "Associates"
I found a wallet today, and as a practicing Christian, I asked myself "what would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine.
What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
The Story Of My Life
Why do actors like snooker halls? Because that's where they get their best cues.
Netflix has a doc called "Fascism in Colour"; wouldn't this be more of a "black-and-white" issue?
What did the black dude say when his hippie girlfriend asked him to go to burning man with her? Namaste here
What are the similarities between hiring a prostitute and bungee jumping? It's both expensive, short and when the rubber snaps you're fucked.
Why do jews have such big noses? Because oxygen is free
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
I think my wife's sewing machine is on the blink. I'm not sure what's wrong, it just doesn't seam right.
The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia. NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk. Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don't know if anyone showed up.
Only a few of you have figured out that in every tweet I've ever written I've been subtweeting Pitbull.
Wanna Hear A Joke? Hufflepuff.
"If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?" "I could tell you, bud, I'd have tequila."
I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.
"Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses" -I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I've mistaken for a cute guy
There is this guy that hates taking a poop. But shit happens.
I'm the daughter of Ned Stark! Arya?
Poop in the sink Shit will solve itself.
Did you hear about the fish that walked into the chip shop?? He got battered!!
"Nietzsche, what's the matter?" "Nothing."
Pancake day has really crepe'd up on me this year.
Mexican Word of the day: Chicken My wife wanted to get to the grocery store, but chicken go herself
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said " I hate shoes"
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
Whats the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job does not give you a raise.
What has two legs and bleeds? Half a puppy.
Why is a duck-billed platypus called a duck-billed platypus? Because fucked up duck-beaver lookin thing doesn't sound scientific enough.
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather.... ... Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Why did the butter maker not tell anybody his secret recipe? He was afraid they'd spread it around.
Do you know the difference between a fart and a pun? A pun is a shift of wit.
[car dealership] "Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?" *Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS* "Oh."
Do you wanna hear an Ebola joke? You probably won't get it.
"Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?" - Inventor of club sandwich
I'm not flirting, I'm being friendly. *gets on knees and undoes your belt*
People with a sense of humour are so much easier to talk to and get along with.
Why can't SCAT be legally banned? I could've gone my whole life without seeing that shit.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He's gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son's face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.
*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad's hand for the first time*
This hating of people breastfeeding in public should really stop. I can raise my cat any way I want to.
I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.
If Sean Lock was a Hollywood actor... ... He'd be Robert Frowny Jr. - Jimmy Carr
What did the right crazy-saggy boob say to the left crazy-saggy boob? If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts.
My girlfriend says that small penis isn't that big of a problem But I still think that she shouldn't have one.
a linux joke (may offend some) I like my women like my kernels about 6 years old and stable
What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner? Breakfast and lunch. I'll show myself out now
What happens when a pope dies? Another pops up.
Why was Lara Croft sad? Because her career was in ruins
In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.
This will probably get buried. . . It's a coffin.
Why did Jim Morrison overdose on drugs? To get to the other side.
Why can't a blonde count to 70. Because 69 is a mouthful.
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?  "I love you a ton!"
What is the difference between Jesus and Hitler? Jesus fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish... Hitler made 6 million Jews toast...
Where does Darth Vader go shopping? The Darth mall! haha, funny joke.
[Halloween] Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume! 14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I'M SHEET-FACED.
- Dad, why don't we visit Greece to see pyramids? - Son, why don't we visit school to see your geography teacher?
i did a lot of experimenting in my teen years. i knew that's what i'd have to do to become the caliber of scientist i am today
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
Stop eating all the shrimp, Sean Connery It's shellfish.
18 goes into 40 more than 40 goes into 18 ( ~  )
Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side
What is the worst piece in undersea chess? The prawn.
My ex-wife is so evil that she has lessons with Satan every Sunday... I just don't know how much she charges him.
Made this up at lunch So a man robs a bank with a condom on his head. He then yells: "This is a Stick-Up!"
Here is how you can tell John Cena is kicked out of Hogwarts. He abuses the invisibility spell.
I saw on the news today that a dwarf got pickpocketed. I don't know how anyone could stoop so low!
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg, it already got laid. The bird is too chicken.
Self is a word in Itself.
Are you seeing someone? Me: Are you seeing someone? Girl: Um, no. Me: Not even a psychiatrist?
My Dad asked if I wanted to go on a mountain climbing trip with him in Nepal, I said, "Sher, pa"
Say "Literally" and "Legit" a few more times in that sentence so I know it's literally legit
To all those people who said I would be an unfit parent, have you seen the little guy lately? Cause that would be a big help, I seem to have misplaced him.
I ran a whole 5K and didn't even eradicate cancer
What did the girl say when she saw a photo on Instagram of an attractive couple at brunch? Bae-goals
Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes? No one can eat just one potato ship.
How do we know that Greek yogurt's Greek? Because it's whey strained.
On the anniversary of Harambe's death... the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.
Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.
Petition to get Bruno Mars to change his middle name to "there's water on"
I'm always terrified when someone knocks on the door while I'm home alone as if murderers and burglars knock first
A police officer walks into a bar. He shoots it and claims self defense.
I named my dick "the fear of god" now when my parents ask what im doing with my girlfriend i tell them im putting the fear of god in her
Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax. If you do, please give me a shout.
What would you call two bananas? A pair of slippers.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
"Just this one more episode." you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
The Bishop The bishop came to my church today. He was an impostor, he never once moved diagonally. Credit to bash.org
What do you call three hundred white guys chasing a black guy? The PGA tour.
My friend sure changed when she became a vegetarian... (fixed) I mean, she never actually told me she was a vegetarian. But they say you are what you eat. And now she's a vegetable.
Condom bursts are like Hillary Clinton's e-mails. You can try to neclect it, but everybody knows it's yours.
[job interview] "So where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Getting asked this question somewhere else
I really hope everything we know about Zombies is accurate because if they're smart I'm going to need a Plan B.
"It feels like it was only 7 years ago" - dogs recalling memories
Britain left the European Union.... Some think that the country will eurupt
Seems hypocritcal that we allow women who could be on there period at any given time on TV,but we make fun of a man 4 a fart, goes both ways
Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.
What do you call a ghost on the Internet? e-erie.
I tried changing my reddit password to "penis". It said it wasn't long enough :(
Say what you will about Carlos Mencia, he sure knows how to take a joke And present it as if he wrote it
What do you call the conversation between two birds after they've had sex? Pillowsquawk
If a guy calls Life Alert and says "Help I can't get up!!" Does he have ED or can he really not get up??
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
What does Gordon program in? FLASH... AAAHHHHHHHH. Its the language of the universe...
Some people here are a mite sensitive. Fell asleep during a pleasant DM chat and now I'm blocked. Didn't know I snored that loudly.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome. Take your time, I'll wait.
When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
What tasty food would be distusting if eaten over rice?
Woman bus drivers When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. And then I wait for the next bus...
I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
I hate street performers. Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.
I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.
[interrupts pastor] but jesus was crucified today shouldn't we call today "Bad Friday" or even "Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday"
I recently went to a gym in Chinatown. When I walked into the mens' changing room... ...there were Wangs everywhere!
Some people are named after where they were conceived. For example Brooklyn, Paris... My friend Ally doesn't agree.
I was promised today would be a new day. This feels suspiciously like a used Wednesday.
If they could, cats would correct your grammar.
My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better  they worship cows.
What do we want?! A cure for Tourette's!! When do we want it?! Cunt!
How is parsley and pubic hair alike? You just brush them off to the side and keep eating
Those who throw dirt... ...are sure to lose ground.
If I've learned anything in my 29 years, it's never admit your real age.
Two girls and a cup walk into a bar. They get shitfaced.
Me: I don't know how to ride a horse Whiskey: Yes you do
Ash enters battle with his pikachu Ash:"Pikachu use thunder bolt" Pikachu: "Your dad is paying the electricity bill?"
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
In the end, the tribe of cannibals caught the Hardy Boys. That night, they had mystery meat.
The town I'm in has chickens roaming around freely. I hear that our dog went chasing one a while ago, but nobody can tell me the date. I don't know when she ran a fowl.
I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times
What happens when Santa get stuck in a chimney? He gets claustrophobic!
My dog used to chase people on a bike all the time It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
Can you guys in earlier time zones please tweet me if the world ends in the future?
I can't imagine the difficulties of growing up with 2 gay dads double the dad jokes.
Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.
What is the difference between a flea and a wolf ? One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie !
What's the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery? One shucks between fits.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Did you hear about the new Vietnamese noodle / southern BBQ fusion restaurant? It's called Pho-Q
Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.
What is the difference between a black person and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of 4.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
We may be approaching this wrong, what if Paris Hilton is actually just a hoarder of dicks?
I'm so embarrassed! My wife caught me measuring my cock! It reached just to the back of her sister's throat.
For me sex is like a game Single player
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Cindrella?
What do you call the occasionally toxic, organic substances that accumulate over the years in a hoarder's house? Horticulture.
I was looking for a lighter on amazon... But they only had 112.422 matches.
Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.
Wouldn't mind having a bonus hole that fireworks shot out of when I got confused.
[NSFW] A baby was born with no eye lids. . So they used the skin from his circumcision to make them. They said he'll be alright, just a little cockeyed.
What do history teachers make when they want to get together? Dates!
What is it called when your s.o. comes up with reasons to not make love? Sexcuses
Arguing with a woman is a lot like reading a license agreement By the end, you ignore everything and just click "agree".
How do you break a Pollock's finger? Punch him in the nose.
Am I going to Rio? No. I'd avoid it like the plague.
Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live. That isn't even enough time for my girlfriend to pack.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
the reason I'd like a female president because I'm sick of america getting fucked in the ass.
My true love and I are like parallel lines. We will never meet and I will die alone.
If you're not using Social Media to spout your uninformed opinion then you're totally missing the point of the Internet.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired? Me: I got fired?
I asked my chemistry teacher if we can revise oxides Because im a bit rusty
Being alone with my girlfriend on Easter. "Jesus has risen . . . and so have I."
What do you call a fat asian? A chunk. (Chink)
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I finally decided I want to be a car mechanic. Guess it just took some motor-vation.
This guy at my work fell into the upholstery machine today. Don't worry, hes fully recovered.
Last night my friend trashed a Chinese restaurant... Told him I was horrified by his wonton destruction
When will the Jared jokes stop? When they get too old.
Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?
What do you call a bulimic magician? Hurlin' Merlin
[job interview] "Tell me about yourself" *flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests* I'm a risk taker
What do you call a microscope that when you look through it you see really bad things? A horoscope.
What's the fastest car on earth? A rental car.
What's a pirates favorite letter? You may have thought 'Rrrr', but it's really the C
"Morning guys" "HOLY SHIT IT'S SUPERMAN!" - Clark Kent's first day at work wearing contact lenses
I took a bite out of a vegetable the other day... The nurse was pissed
A study showed that more women have vibrators than husbands. Just to play it safe, I'm teaching my penis to vibrate.
Q: What did the leper say to the hooker? A: Keep the tip.
Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?" Me: "why?" W: M: W: "they're running along side the car"
A girl never comments on another unless she's jealous.
The joke is on you, fruit flies. We don't even have any fruit.
A fair deal A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
What is happiess... Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city
There was a pile up on the freeway.... reportedly due to a bunch of old underwear, scattered all over the road. No one is sure how they got there, but there were skidmarks everywhere
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
I have a joke for you. /r/Jokes
*whispers to an avocado* "I'm the good kind of fat, too."
Held the door open for a japenese women today she said "sank you" I replied "we blew you up" She hit me with her walking stick... Apparently she meant thank you Edit: grammar mistake
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She's like "What's with all the red pen marks in my diary?"
Why was Cinderella able to surf the web? Because he footman turned into a mouse.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it'd be: "Who the hell are you?!"
Why did the photon stop drinking after traveling 670 million miles? because Happy Hour ended.
I wanted to take a grad level Psych class on Freud, in my sophomore year. But the professor wouldn't let me. She said I was too Jung
I'm Not Fucking Stupid .... ... I mean I used to, but we broke up.
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it
Is there a hole in your shoe? No. Then how did you get your foot into it?
There is a new Barbie doll on the  market - Marsha Clark Barbie ...with a bad haircut and a bad  attitude
math and sex math is like sex you add the people, subtract the clothes, you divide and hope you don't multiply.
Every time I go for a Jog I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle
What pants do ghosts wear? BOO jeans.
Knock Knock **Who's there?** You **You who?** Yoo hoo big summer blowout!
How many times does a woman laugh after you tell her a joke? Three. When you tell it to her, then when you explain it to her, and then when she gets it.
I'm sick of all this sex on TV. I keep falling off.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
"What's up, doc?" says Bugs Bunny. "Not you," laughs the doctor. "Take these little blue pills." *Looney Tunes music plays*
What does a hippy say when you tell him to get off your couch? Namaste
If I worked in a restaurant.... on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
From a very early age, I used to feel like a guy trapped in a woman's body... ...then I was born.
What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I've stopped trying to understand sandwiches with a third piece of bread in the middle.
How does a Jewish guy make beer? Hebrews it.
Which birds steal soap from the bath ? Robber ducks !
How do you turn an airliner into a boat? #**Allahu Ackbar!**
Why did the scarecrow receive an award? It was outstanding in his field.
My Social Life 404
How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he gets three hours credit.
I know this is an unpopular opinion, but Krusty from The Simpsons is running for president. Bring on the clownvotes.
I'm gonna learn Spanish so I can see if Mexicans make Cuatro de Julio jokes that are just as stupid and unfunny as our Cinco de Mayo jokes.
*whispers to businessman sleeping next to me on bus* Sleep tight precious angel
I just got in touch with my inner self today http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2xs04j/today_i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self/
I'm what you might call 'internet pretty', meaning I'm really your dad.
Thinking about starting an independent pharmacy called "Netflix and Pills". Quality patient care with 24/7 Netflix while you wait. Thoughts?
Be careful of shoe thieves I hear they're afoot.
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. He holds it up, and the world revolves around him to screw it in.
Why don't German pessimists eat pork.... They always fear the wurst.
Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
"Mom, I found out I had colon cancer today." "REALLY? What are the symptoms??" "Why do I always have to start a list..."
What's the hardest part of golf for asians? Driving
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because his pecker is on his head
What is the horror movie Quija rated? Quija-13
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I'm immortal.
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.
I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was I embarrassed it cost me more than $50 in stamps.
How does Bob Ross masturbate? He beats the devil out of it.
I don't draw my eyebrows on because I can't commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Did you hear about the leper on the trampoline? He strained his leg. ^^^I'm ^^^sorry.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
What's the best pun at a wood working convention I just got lathed
I bet the inventor of puppets has one hell of a creepy backstory.
Did such a great job cutting down a tree yesterday The neighbours clapped as I took a bough
this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast...I'm assuming one of their guests died overnight
I heard a Sean Connery film once got am R rating Because he said "sit" too many times Edit: shit didn't proofread the title, *an* not *am*
Did you hear about the baker that failed at making white bread? It went a rye.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I can't find my Camel, it's gone! It's camelflage was too good
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Breaking Bad joke (credit to edrubio6) Skyler: Hey, Walt, wanna hear a joke? Walter: Okay. Skyler: Knock kno- Walter: I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!
Why does a milking stool have only three legs? Because the cow has the udder!
I'll always remember what my uncle said before he passed on up... "Flying houses? Talking dogs? That movie looks dumb."
A knock sounds at a nerd's door... *Knock knock!* "Who's there?" "You know!" "You know who?" "Exactly. AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!"
Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a building after drinking Alka-seltzer? He had a bad alkaline trip.
NSFW don't read if your easily offended. Why don't black people like to dream. Because the last black guy to have a dream died.
CAPS LOCK ON caps lock off CAPS LOCK ON caps lock off - Mr Miyagi [2014]
A giraffe walks into a bar And says "Hey everybody the high balls are on me!"
No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I'd just go to Sears.
How do they make Holy Water? They boil the hell out of it.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u... *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
"You miss 100% of the shots you never take." - Wayne Gretzky "You miss 100% of the shots you DO take." - Stormtroopers
Why should you use a 1 iron during a thunder storm Even god couldn't hit a one iron
License and registration please. "Bears." Excuse me? "Beaaaaars." Are you drunk sir? "BEAAAARS!" Stop saying bea- *cop is mauled by bears*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Whenever I poke my cat in the eye and he gets squinty, I feel bad and poke him in the other eye, so I can pretend he's just really high.
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven...
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
funny Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
Grammar Nazi vs. Hitler Soldier:"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores." Hitler:"So mine less!" [Grammar Nazi busts in] "MINE FEWER" [Hitler looks up] "Yes?"
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You'll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole "productivity" thing
Do you know why one side of the the V formation of geese in flight is longer than the other side? Because It has more geese in it!
Airline Prices Airline prices are getting out of control, soon they will start charging for emotional baggage. "Where did he touch you as a kid? that will be an extra $50."
So I went to my Dr. and said I needed something for my joints... He handed me a lighter
What does a gay horse eat? hAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAyyyy! . . . . . . What does a gay pirate eat? . . . . . **GAY PIRATE FOOD, ARR!!!**
What do you call that gnarly smell around cow pastures? DAIRY-AIR!
[at gym] *spends 45 minutes untangling headphones *drops phone, squats to pick it up Phew! Good workout! *leaves
From my 7-year-old: What type of phone does a hawk use? A hawkie talkie.
Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
This morning I saw a homeless guy talking to his shadow... Does that mean six more weeks of recession?
I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone. Edit: Holy *shit*! This blew up!
Why wasn't Christ born in Ireland? Because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
The name's Bond.. James Earl Jones.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Einstein developed a theory about space... ...it was about time too.
How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
*puts it in perspective Perspective: Wrong hole.
My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.
Why did this adhesive strip quit his work? He just couldn't tape it anymore..
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.
Did you hear the outcome of Bernie Sanders recent doctor's visit? He tested positive for Chlamydia after /r/Jokes entire user base felt the bern in their throats.
Why are turtles so grumpy? Because they can't masturbate.
Star Wars should cast an Indian actor to play Mace Hindu.
Jesus said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
what is 50 feet long and only has 3 teeth? The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.
Why does the army want to only recruit married men? Because they don't want a **single** man lost!
Your momma so fat... She needs cheat codes for Wii Fit.
Pizza is like sex... When its good, its really good, but when its bad, its still pretty good.
I'm convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
A vegan, an atheist, and a Crossfitter all walk into a bar. I should know, they all told me.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of bubble gum? Bigly chew.
I don't mean to make your Monday morning worse, but we'll never be able to wear shorts in space.
What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles ? A car-toonist !
no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won't get my genitals dirty and i won't have to wash my hands after. duh
[describing criminal to sketch artist] "No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he'd lost a ladder."
DJ vu. The feeling you get when you've heard the same music in a club before.
I used to cry when I got an erection... would call it my "mourning wood"
No matter how bad it gets, you're always better than anyone fatter than you.
If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work!
My dad: See, when you said you'd met a "special someone" we thought... Me: Go on. My dad: Me: [taking hold of the penguin's flipper] GO ON.
My favorite yoga pose is "try to cut the toenail"
Ey gurl, is your name Andromeda? Because you got a heavenly body! It's 5:50AM and I still can't sleep.
What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking
Knock Knock Who's there... Little Boy Blue... Little Boy Blue Who... Michael Jackson...
What do you call a Russian Duke who makes butter the old fashioned way? A churn-noble!
We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.
How do you identify a vegan? Listen closely.
What's the difference between a mod and a banana? [removed]
If I could have dinner with anybody, living or dead, I'd have pizza.
If by "eat clean" you mean "donuts in the shower", then yes - I eat clean.
Sex on the golf course: Is that considered a "hole-in-one?"
I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
People on Tumblr have PTSD Potty Trained and Socially Disordered
What's the best way to make money with a plus-size modeling agency? Life insurance policies.
Wrong number calls are annoying but not nearly as much as right number calls.
I knew the psychic was a fraud the second she accepted my check
Why did the hipster burn his mouth when he was eating a slice of pizza? He ate it before it was cool
I knew a website with a lot of zelda stuff But I forgot the link.
[God Creating Dads] God: Ah, yes. Think I'm done Dads: Hi Done, we're Dads! God: Dads: God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Why are black people unable to get a PhD Because they can't get past their masters.
I want a matronly African American to say, "Child, please" when I'm being silly.
Knock knock! Who's there? It's me.
sweet potato fries ...could be made from sweet potatoes, or they could just be really awesome potato fries.
How do fish get high? Seaweed.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
What is a firewalker's favorite snack? Tostitos.
I told my mum I was goingto make a car out of spaghetti She was really surprised when I drove pasta
If Reddit was a blanket, what type of blanket would it be? One with a high thread count.
"Are you okay?" Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are. - Me, to myself, when I'm fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
2 Irishmen in a helicopter..... One turns to the other and says "Dew tink if oi turned this here choppa upside down we'll fall out"? "Don't talk daft, we'll always be friends"
I had an imaginary girlfriend for a few years, but she ended up leaving me for my best friend. He had a bigger imagination than I did.
What do politics and orgies have in common? A bunch of dicks and cunts trying to screw each other.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere: You've been volunteered as a chaperone
Kim Kardashian's birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It's almost like it was made for TV! Wait....
Why does your son call you big brother? Because he's your mom's kid.
What's an argument in the Middle East but a compliment in the U.S.A? "You da bomb" "No, you da bomb!"
How short-sighted of you to include a fax number in your email signature but not the coordinates of your zeppelin dock.
Do you know the difference between camping and molestation? No? In that case, do you want to go camping this weekend?
What's a Mathematician's favourite Christmas pudding? Yule ln!
Did you hear about the man whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What's the difference between the Circus and the Playboy Mansion? The Circus features a cunning array of stunts.
What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country
How does Darth Vader like his milk? *Luke* warm
My dad always warned me about anal. He said "Son, this is going to hurt."
A black guy with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Hey, that is really something. Where'd you get it?" "Africa," says the parrot.
My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.
Ebay You have got to love Ebay Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.
What kind of dog is a person's best friend? A palmatian!
sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card. whos laughing now?
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
[Original] What do you call it when two Cox company vehicles pull into your driveway? Double penetration.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want sex, she objects.
Computers teach us 3 healthy daily habits... read/write and Run
What's the difference between a lesbian and a sperm whale? Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.
Why did Michael Jackson love Beethoven's 3rd symphony? It was done in A minor.
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish... ... but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
Two cats are swimming across a river One's name is "one two three", and the other's name is "Un deux trois". One two three made it across but Un deux trois cat sank
Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics? To see how high Mexicans can pole vault
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons? They become sour krauts.
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas? Ince pies!
There are two things that never work Month old condoms and voting for a third party. (That being said, I'm fucking terrified)
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Did you hear about the worlds largest broom? It's really sweeping the nation
Britain's fattest man has died aged 33. "This tragic news will affect us all deeply," said Roger Whiteside, CEO of Greggs.
*wakes up* well, it looks like its that time again. time to do just enough activity to convince my body that it needs to go back to sleep
I hear crowded elevators smell different to midgets it's because of all the assholes
How many good presidential candidates does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Its gonna be a dark four years, now isn't it?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
What do you call a country full of animals that eat a lot and sleep for many months at a time? High-Bear-Nation! ^^*Shit* ^^*where's* ^^*the* ^^*door*
What is Rickon Stark's favourite band ? One Direction.
What is the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches...
I have a difficult time living in buildings near many neighbors I think I have an apartment complex.
My late wife was abducted by a troupe of travelling Mime artists. The police informed me, they did... Unspeakable things to her.
Yo momma so fat that she has to use two IRC clients to get online.
If my children are any indication of how much I talk, I would now like to apologize to any man I've ever dated...EVER
I like my coffee like I like my men... I don't like coffee. I'm very straight.
Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success
You didn't comment on my selfie. WHO IS SHE
I caught a fish and let slip I was going to eat him He was gutted
Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. "Make me look like this brother!"
How do you know your girlfriend's getting fat? She fits in your wife's clothes.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles...
A Valentines Poem Roses are red Violets are blue Whitney Houston is dead and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou
What don't homeless people get? Knock knock jokes
What do you call Catholics who marry Jews? Cashews!
Can't wait to throw buckets of melted snicker bars at the walls of the bathrooms at work today & blame Bob's diarrhea again.
What is the difference between joghurt and America? If you leave joghurt alone for 200 years, it will grow a culture!
I'm lazy as fuck.. If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
Why did the computer squeak? Someone stepped on the mouse.
Why is Windows going from 8 to 10? Because 7 ate 9. Credit to a guy I work with.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Why did the kitchen cross the road? It saw a pikachu across the street.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair YOU: Ok ME: [drinks from toilet like dog] YOU: You've made your point I'll wash up some glasses
A certain leisure complex had a cinema and a swimming pool. One day, thecinema screen fell into the pool. The owners left it there and used it as adive-in theater.
What do you call an Asian Terrorist group? Rice-is
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who refused to believe that his boat was sinking? He was in denial
Hey Google, if I'm searching for "herpes symptoms" then no, no I'm not "feeling lucky."
Everyone please stop saying that today's date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that's how time works.
I 100% support the Trump Deportation Plan!! Where should we send him?
DM:You're so hot, wanna Skype? Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka? DM: ME:hello...you there
If you're cold, just stand in a corner... They're usually 90 degrees.
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who wants to know? .... saw this joke in today's [Get Fuzzy]( http://www.gocomics.com/getfuzzy/2012/10/18)
I have a dark sense of humor but being a normally good person, *people don't see it.*
Waldo asked his wife what was for dinner... Fondue, waldo.
"Sir u have a hernia" "Haha c'mon doc don't u mean a HISnea?" "No I meant hern-" "Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?"
"Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated" *Buys everyone snacks
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar. Bartender yells, "What is this, some sort of joke?"
What's 50 Cent's new name? 50 Drachma.
How do you call a joke that is not funny? Lame.
What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding? Thanks for the mammaries!
what do you call a snail on a ship? A SNAILOR
What has six eyes, four wings and eight legs? Two chickens and a goat.
"If I should die before I wake, please don't draw any dicks on my face."
I read a book about a transsexual woman with a speech impediment.. It was titled 'Man or Myth'
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
I dreamed that I discovered a new color, but it was just a pigment of my imagination. Original joke, yay!
SPELLING BEE "Defiant" Can I have the definition, please? "No"
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he's at work
"Bjark! Bjark!" -Bjork's dog
Everyone hates Mondays and Tuesdays Even the weekdays go WTF
Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?
If you're still writing checks, remember it's 2016 and you should probably find a better way to pay for your groceries.
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings I have a complex complex complex.
I'm a terrorist, you're a bomb... Let's make an explosion together!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
I've gone unverified for 5,000 years. Why change now?
A spider crawled on my son's hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.
People are not mirrors, They see you completely differently than the way you see yourself.
Food on the Table by E. Tittup
What's the biggest city in the United States? Obesity
What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down? Igloos it back together.
Yo mamma's so fat when she went on vacation, the locals correctly identified her as an American
What's worse than an unfinished joke?
How big is a circum? One of my friends said his dick was circumcised, and I was curious how big those are.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter? A cock that sticks to roof of your mouth...
My dad's favorite composer is Beethoven's little brother... Covetoven. Get it? DO YOU?
Is it "butt" naked or "buck" naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I accidentally went to Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca... It was a Wookie mistake
What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
How do you make five pounds of fat look attractive? put a nipple on it.
What is a crack head's favourite song? Q: What is a crack head's favourite song? A: I wanna rock!!! Well I found it funny anyway..
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance so I pushed her over
[mocking jay part 2] jay: come on guys please stop
ugh im such a butterfingers (incredibly atractive except i hav very ugly fingers)
I had a conversation with a Mobius strip... It was one-sided.
Studies show that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
Why does C-3PO always tell Han the Odds? Because he can't even.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter* LYSOL: "Hey .1% germs... ( -_-)>- (_) Tell your friends"
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
A doctor to his patient. Doctor: Sir, we have some good news and some bad news, the good news is that you've got a day left to live, the bad news is I forgot to tell you that yesterday.
I donated a kidney once but they turned it down when I couldn't answer where I got it from.
There's no such thing as a stupid opinion Said the world's first feminist
A man walks into a bar and notices two things: 1. there's a line. 2. The daily special is a Cranberry &amp; Vodka. So he gets into the punch-line.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs. Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Here's a pie chart on procrastination.
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.
"I'm not racist but..." - Britain
My grandma was recently beaten to death.. She came in just after my granddad
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word
[after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.
Why do Mexicans always have red eyes after sex? Pepperspray...
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA "mama".
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
If a blue man lives in the blue house, a red man lives in the red house, and a green man lives in the green house, who lives in the white house? an orange man
Valentine's Day is nothing but a commercialized holiday created by pharmaceutical companies to get lonely singles to buy antidepressants.
Headache Doc: Hows your headache? Husband: She's fine.
What do bacteria eat for breakfast? prokaryoats
Why would I be a horrible magician? Cuz I'll fuck a trick up.
I used to work at an orange juice factory but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
Why was the testicle always in a bad mood? Because his brother is a nut and his two closest friends are a dick and an asshole.
Dried grapes are getting really expensive... I heard they're raisin the price
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He needed a pencil to work it out.
"Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback."
Isn't it ironic that the favorite drink of Britain's homeless is called "Tennents"?
How does an atom with bad grammar respond to an order? I on it.
Jewish woman why do jewish women only sleep with jewish men? they wont touch anything that isn't 5 percent off.
That stupid guy I have stupid friends gotta admit.But i have a stupid one. Yesterday he asked me did anybody die and survive??!?!?!??
NASA sends out a probe to Uranus Geeks around the world giggle.
It sucks when an album has a real chill sad song and you're like oh yeahh and then the next song is crazy loud it makes me wanna eat knives.
A man walks into an apple store and...... farts every one is really angry and there all shouting so he says it's not my fault you don't have windows
What do you call a black political figure? A *coon*gressman
What do you call a whistleblower stuck in a blizzard? Snowd-en
What's better than winning the wheel chair basketball championship? Having legs...
My girlfriend wanted to have sex in the back seat of my car And she wanted me to drive.
What do you call a black ghost? Bill Cosby. He comes while you're sleeping.
If you're in a Mexican prison, "Jesus loves you" might not be very comforting words...
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary's 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
When you're at someone's house: Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your WiFi password?"
Never Give Up! by Percy Vere
What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box? Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.
My mom just told me she's been watching that "Game of Thongs" show. Gawd I hope she's just saying it wrong.
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
When you use a stranger's phone charger, you're charging with everyone they've ever charged with.
Jewish pokemon trainer What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash
What profession does it take to screw in a light bulb? Driver
With a name like Progressive, shouldn't the commercials be better by now?
If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.
How do you know when a black chick is pregnant? When she pulls her tampon out and all the cotton's picked
My friend died from heart burn the other day. My friend Gavin was killed by a terrible case of heart burn yesterday. I can't fucking believe Gavisgone.
I couldn't figure out what happens when you mix water and salt... But then I found the solution.
Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
Cans I work in a can recycling factory. My job is to crush cans. I don't enjoy it. It's soda pressing.
There're only 10 types of people in the world ... those that understand binary, and those who don't.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? It's your fault!
My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off in class. That's three schools now. Maybe teaching isn't for him. (Joke by Jimmy Carr)
If anything I post offends you, please, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.
TIL Atheism.... ...is a non-prophet organization
How do you stop an angry rhino from charging? You take away its credit card
Zombies are categorically asexual as they are more interested in taking head than giving head.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we'd be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Why don't birds wear underwear? Because, their pecker is on their head.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out. That was easy.
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in three years... I don't have 2020 vision!
Whats all of this fuss about reposts? I haven't seem any all year! (It's 12:00 NZST)
[family feud] Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence... Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Goddammit, my parole officer says none of my RTs count towards community service. This has been a huge waste of time.
Aaron Hernandez will be just fine They're always drafting tight ends in prison.
The Illuminati doesn't scare me They never even kill anyo
What did the router say to the doctor? It hurts when IP.
Job interview: " if you want the job lick the floor" -what? -lick the floor if you want the job *licks floor* Eww gross, can't hire that guy
My friend's offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding. She's probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go :)
[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can't talk. headphones on
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle? CW: Yeah....just surprise me. Me: *comes back with no food* SURPRISE!
I used to have a fear of hurdles.... But i got over it
Stop fcukin whining about being alone and lower your standards like the rest of us.
Why do tomcats fight ? Because they like raising a stink !
A horse walks in to a bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender is also a horse. Everyone human is a horse now. Our lives are simultaneously more and less complicated.
The security camera at work has "too many instances" of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And "any amount" is "too many." According to HR.
I'm not lazy. I'm just stopping the sofa from floating away.
Some of the nicest women you'll meet on Twitter are men.
This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.  The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn.  The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.
Her pussy was such the color purple Oprah winfrey starred as the clit
NSFW - What's the worst thing to hear.... What's the *worst* thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool
My great great grandfather died at Custer's last stand? He didn't die fighting he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.
Como frijoles? How you bean?
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an onion? I'd cry if I cut an onion in half.
Was the principal's brother really a missionary? He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands their first taste of Christianity !
I wrote a song about a tortilla Actually it's more of a wrap
men: women are very hard to read women: actually, we just want- men: such complex creatures women: if u just liste- men: so mysterious
My ex-wife got a job in Huston giving back-rubs in Walmart She's the Texas Chain Store Massager
Why didn't the Jewish Boy Scout come home? He went to the wrong camp. Bonus: I'm a Jewish Boy Scout
Two Irish men walk into a bar... You would have thought at least one of them would have seen it.
That was easy... Said Yoda, after to Staples he went.
- I'm here to register for the pessimists' club. - Is the glass half empty or half full? - What glass? - Gentlemen, we have a new leader!
What if... ... in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar...and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If the TV show 'Cops' has taught me anything it's to stay away from people with blurry faces, they always seem to attract trouble.
What kind of dreams do dustmites have? .............. Mitemares
Now that gay marriage is legal in the USA OPs can finally get married!
What do you call a asian and a black guy?? A math problem.
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
Breaking news!!! Ne ws
Maria Sharipova has been banned from tennis for 2 years There's a sign at every court with her mugshot that says "do not serve this woman".
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well... I can clearly see your nuts".
If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)
When does a pedophile enjoy a basketball match the most? Before the first period.
Two things I learned from online dating geography and disappointment
What do you call a flying Grizzly? ...a bearoplane
I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under the pile of clothes!
I'm like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you're in, everyone is super impressed.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Harry Potter is actually an allegory about the emptiness of millennial hook up culture
My friend died of a methamphetamine overdose the other day..... When people ask what happened I say, M E T H O.D. man
Movie Ratings Explained G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
Did you hear about the new winter resort that caters exclusively to men with erectile disfunction? It's called Lake Flaccid.
I found some dressing in my fridge that expires on 12-21-2012.... It's called Mayanaisse....
Putin Sends New Year's Message of Peace To Obama Inside a pipe bomb.
Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
I'm straight but not "get my alibi" straight.
I asked my Chinese girlfriend for a 69 last night. She said 'Fuck off, I'm not cooking at this time of night'
What's the difference between a Chick Pea and Garbanzo Bean?? I've never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face...
Life is like a box of chocolates... It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody's going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me: That was fun! Fist me! Him: What?! Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles* Him: .....
I got thirsty on the ride to the carnival But the punch line was impossible to find.
I think having an abortion really brings out the kid in me
How do you tell if a man is gay? When you're fucking him in the ass, reach around; if he has a boner... He's gay
So how do monks stay warm in the snow covered peaks and whatnot? they have a shawl in temple
What do you call a midget psychic that escapes from prison? A small medium at large
So what do you call a busy soviet A Russian....yeah....
Roses are red Congress is red The Senate is red The White House is red welp Edit: insert communist pun here Edit x2: what the fuck did i just get gold for this
What do you call a kid with no arms or legs at the front door? Matt.
{Thomas Edison prank call} Is your refrigerator running? "Yes.." YOU'RE WELCOME! *click*
What type of equipment do you operate for abortions? A baby excavator.
There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together... They're called velcrows.
What did the Jewish boy get for Christmas? Jealous
What gets harder the more you play with it? A Rubik's cube, you dirty minded individuals!
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
What's the difference between 69 and 6.9? 6.9 has period.
We don't need a Voting Rights Act. If we just give all the votes to rich people, then democracy will just trickle down to everyone else.
Some Christmas jokes A guy I helped at work told me these jokes. They're terrible. I love them. What goes HO HO HO thud? Santa laughing his head off. What goes HO HO HO? A Pimp taking inventory.
There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary code and those who not
What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow? Reality
Use chemicals to remove polish, and no one blinks an eye... Use chemicals to remove the Polish and everyone loses their minds.
I do resistance training every day It's called refusing to go to the gym
This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's just falling asleep.
How do you surprise Helen Keller? Leave the plunger in the toilet
Hey Buzzfeed, the only way my beard is 2% feces... ...is if I just finished eating 98% of the pussy.
LPT. Before making any promises to a girl, masturbate twice. It may change your opinion.
I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season... So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.
What do you call a cow with no right legs? Lean beef.
Yo momma is so fat, shes got more "coverage" than my cell phone provider
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that's not it. Keep thinking! We'll figure this out.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
what did mick jagger say when he caught hugh hefner and dennis weaver in the bedroom together? hey, hugh, get off of mccloud.
A Scottish man walks store... He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. "Did you bring a container for this?" The clerk asks. "You're speaking to it."
Today I spanked the wrong woman at BDSM party Oops, wrong sub
TIFU by not having a picture of my pet ready on my cake day. What were you expecting to see here?
I'm on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic... He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.
Two lying, click-bait advertisers walk into a bar. You'll never believe what happens next!
I screwed up self-checkout at the supermarket and had to ask myself if I could see a manager.
Smirnoff bought pabst Now traded as pab-smir
I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."
Deja Poo The overwhelming feeling of "I think I have heard this bullshit before."
I've had a bungee jumping incident But I'm sure I'll bounce back
A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary.
Use conditioner... Shampoo burns (;
What do you call a Japanese suicide bomber? Wasabi
Superman's first love got into writing really sappy love poetry. This is why he left her and kicked her out of his house. He said to her, "Lana Lang Leav! "
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The women protest movement this weekend was historical. I've never seen so many women have PMS on the same day.
Sunday Family Humour 3rd August - a Weekly light humour magazine for all the family
I want a million followers so I can tweet where I am from anywhere in the world and emergency shit at someone's house.
Children are like ulcers... Their small, painful, restrict what you can and can't eat and by the time you've realised what's wrong you'll have 2 or 3 others
Why is minotaur pretty ugly? Because it is an Oxy+moron.
If you're ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans... ...don't worry about it. They're too weak to hurt you.
Ellen Pao stole my bike Who else could it have been
Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You're doing great work, but I've identified a bunch of people you've overlooked.
Everything he knows about gynecologist visits he learned from lesbian porn. Which explains why he charged the video camera this morning.
Joe, why haven't you tossed your hat in the ring for the presidential election? I'm Biden my time.
what is the most terrifying sound to a redditor?? pao pao pao...
What did the hipster astronaut say when his space mission arrived at the Sun? Not cool.
What's the best time to visit your Chinese dentist? Tooth hurty
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs... I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.
TIL that if you plug your amp into a 12" instead of your 8", you get fireworks. Whoops. Wrong sub.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.
I love doing sports related activities My two most favorite are the pre-workout and post-workout meals.
In the Chinese version of "Fight Club" the main character thought he had befriended a crazy anarchist. Turns out he was Wong the whole time.
It's not that I don't know how to juggle... I just don't have the balls to do it!
Diarrhea is hereditary. Apparently it runs in your jeans.
What brand toothbrush do Mexicans use? Oral-E
If you don't get this joke... ...then you should probably get your hearing checked.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they're nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
The future is now An electrical engineer invented a new kind of transistor that uses tapioca instead of silicon. He called it the boba FET.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.
What's a pedophile's favorite wing in a children's hospital? ICU
An Anus Gets into a fight with two guys at a bar He rectum
How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it's a three-dollar bill you can be sure.
Why did the skeleton not go to prom? He had no *body* to go with!!! As told by a Professor, in a serious Aerospace class, reading off of Laffy Taffy.
My (black) coworkers informed me that black people can't get lice? "You know what else they can't get? Good jobs." I received a write-up :(
Did I ever post my Alzheimer's joke?
What do you call a skinny tree that raps? Slim Shady
What happened to the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine? It wooden go
Lesbian joke What do lesbians use for lubricant? Tartar sauce!
It's not that I don't know how to juggle... I just don't have the balls to do it.
My neighbor said "nice skirt" so I said, "thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime."
Just so we're all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can't make a cell phone call from my basement.
Why does an ethiopian baby cry? He's having a midlife crisis.
My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz He was charged with manufacture of crystal math
I've made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap. She's a bit clingy.
How do you get to Auschwitz from Berlin? You have to take the Third Reich.
What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? The farmer shucks between fits!
There used to be an ad campaign that said "go to work on an egg"... I tried that, the egg wouldn't move and eventually it cracked, so I went to work on a bicycle as I usually do.
What did Nietzsche call his Yiddish cab driver? An Uber mensche.
Why do you call an angry bear? A grrrrrrrizzly bear
Customer: Waiter look at this chicken! It's nothing but skin and bones. Waiter: Would you like the feathers too?
HER: You can't even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference. ME: Yes I Khan.
9 year old told me this today. My favorite exercise is a mix between a crunch and a lunge... It's called lunch. Dad, I'm hungry.
What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? The farmer shucks between fits.
I've been watching the Netflix series about Escobar, but I keep falling asleep... I think I have Narco-lepsy.
Three Nuns at a Bus Stop Three little old nuns were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man runs up and flashes them. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
What do you call a group of undead police officers? Zombie Acopalypse
I don't think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, "Where are your pants?"
And then the penguin says to the bartender, this *is* my most casual outfit!
When do rabbits have buck teeth? When their parents won't get them braces.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I smoke pot because I have a very serious problem. I have this medical condition where I don't realize how good poptarts taste. Source: Sarah Silverman
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'
I'm watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Early Time I'm on a Whiskey diet, I lost three days already.
It was a rude awakening when I woke up and realized all my favorite porn stars were at least 4 years younger than me. Turning 16 sucked. =/
Whats the difference between an anthropologist and a sociologist? Anthropologists hate Western Civilization. Sociologists only hate America.
Why couldn't the chameleon change colors? It had reptile dysfunction.
What is the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I've never had a Lentil on my chest.
I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest HITS CD.
Today's Genration Dady asked his 3 years old son. Would you like baby brother or a baby sister, Son: dad, I like ur sisters baby girl 
What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket? I can't believe someone would stoop so low.
What did the baker say to the dough before he put it in the oven? "You are no longer kneaded."
What's a classic Russian sci-fi film? Czar Wars
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there's a wormhole in my kitchen
How did the scottsman find the sheep in the tall grass? Very pleasurable.
What do you call a cat on fire? A fur-nace
Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!
What's the best part of running a marathon? Ha! You actually thought I ran a marathon! Jokes on you, I'm just drunk!
At 1am I'm going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I'll crawl into his toddler bed. Let's see how he likes it.
KING ARTHUR: ...and that is our noble quest. REPORTER: K, great. What shape is your table? A: Um, round? But that's not really... R: Got it
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls (bagels get it?).
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don't care if you get the last iPad Mini.
What do you call a sleep walking nun? A roamin' catholic.
According to the employee handbook, I only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.
How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Find out next time on *Dragonball Z!*
I think somebody went on my Facebook without me knowing... Everything on it is French now.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news, sir," the doctor said. "You have cancer and Alzheimer's." "Oh, well, at least I don't have cancer."
My dad got carpal tunnel syndrome from being on a keyboard in an office all day. It got so bad his boss made him get rid of the piano.
What would /u/doubledickdude's band be called? The Tu-Wang Clan
What's the most intelligent breakfast? A Stephen Fry-up.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge Sis: M: S: That's a pizza roll. You're high
What do you call a midget with Down Syndrome? you call him a little slow
Two Ninjas What do you call two ninjas named Charlie, stranded outside on a cold night? Numchucks.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick! :-D
Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
DON'T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day... Even the cake was in tiers.
Man: Who are you? God: Your god. Man: What's your name? God: I can't tell you. Man: No way! God: Jahweh! Man: God: Doh!
I was looking for a subtle way to describe my penis... ...and then I went to /r/minimalism...
Sexual Pun Joke for Guitarists She wants the D...major. So I picked her up in a barre. Fingering was much easier that way. And yeah, the fingering was easier, but there's always strings attached.
Monica Lewinsky will not be voting for Hillary.. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
It's not easy to make small talk with a meteorologist.
About 2/3 of the Atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder... Was the sex really that bad?
What's the difference between everyone and bullets Everyone misses Harambe. Don't know if this is a repost or not, just heard it from a friend.
My mom said her day at work today made her feel like punching babies I told her to punch herself in the stomach
Whats common between Reddit jokes &amp; Dave ? You never get tired of seeing them again &amp; again ...
What does it look like when you microwave a baby? Not sure, I close my eyes when I masturbate
I went outside for a minute and a bug touched me, so it looks like I'm back inside forever now.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say "well, she was always kind of like this."
[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers.. [me] I did [i] here's a story on panda cops [barely containing my glee] go on
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
If you ever see anyone doing a crossword... ...tap them on the shoulder and whisper "7 up is lemonade".
Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida... The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."
I'd have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said "I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look"
What do they call Redditting on the toilet? Snoo on the loo
My girlfriend and I could never agree on holidays... I wanted to fly to exotic places and stay in luxurious five-star hotels. And she wanted to come with me.
Why does Donald Trump think Jesus was a liar? "He was a Middle-Easterner, but he had a Mexican name."
A tank and a snake are having a heated argument when the snake says "Shut up! You got penis on your face!" to which the tank replies "You got face on your penis!"
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.
I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress" My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time. And that it's useful. And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.
What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink ? Gravi-tea !
What happens when Hillary throws relevant questions? Donald Ducks I'll show myself out
The Socratic method of deductive reasoning walks into a bar and the bartender says "So. What don't you want?"
Two things you need to know about me: 1. I am hung over. 2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[speed dating] Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog? "No." *I take a deep breath and roll my eyes* [timer beeps]
Billy Joel was hospitalized last week. He had a heart attack ack ack ack ack ack. You oughtta know by now.
You know how you can tell a Black Bear from a Grizzly? Black Bears smoke Newports.
You know that you have a terrible sense of humor... when you find that click-baiting is funny
I hope one day to have the chance to whisper "what's she doing here?" to the person next to me at a funeral.
How many people from Quebec does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One: He holds the bulb and the rest of Canada revolves around him.
Did you hear Barnum and Bailey Circus is shutting down? They can't compete with American politics.
V8 What kind of sexually transmitted disease can you get from an octopus?
So I just got kicked out of the house... All I did was sleep with my stepdad's wife.
Why do tampons have strings? So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.
Why did the janitor file for a divorce? He found his wife sweeping with someone else.
Using a phone case is like buying a Ferrari and gluing Corolla body panels to it.
Santa got stuck in the chimney. So I grabbed the nearest lube & rubbed him down. Then he REALLY came down the chimney!!
What did the milk say to the cheese? Hey, you're old!
I'd like to go to Holland some day... Wooden shoe?
TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time That's right get it in there
I recently earned 5 times the money I earned before 5x0=0
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y'all are screwed!
Why doesn't Pac-Man use Twitter? Because he doesn't like being followed.
don't kid yourself, the pace at which the cursor blinks before a blank space in a document is the actual heartbeat of God
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? Steven Hawking after a house fire.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you, Smiling You know what's coming next.. It's your turn to do the laundry
What do you call a Russian bovine made out of small flowerless plants? A moss-cow
When it comes to politics I'm an agnostic. I don't believe there's an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Whats the difference between a USB and the USA? One has standards.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 
The human race won't go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
why do the ladies love jesus? *spreads arms wide* because he was hung like this
Why are Taco Tuesdays so hot? Because of the spicy anal you get that night.
I think I have procrastination disease. I'll go to the doctor later.
yay 10 bucks on the floor Hello sir I'm 10 and have no money plz give me the 10 bucks.Oh you poor thing I am a nice man so I will.................KEEP IT BRO TROLOLO!
Hi, what's your name? My name is Yura Phag
What question would confuse a transsexual who used to be a woman? "Have you ever been abroad?"
Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one"
What's the difference between a power outlet and a Girl I can turn one on...
"I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In" is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Next time my 5 y/o says "Daddy, guess what?", I'm going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
What do you call a cow that gets hit by a car? A dead cow! (My 5-year old made up this joke)
Why can't the band Def Leppard make music anymore? They all lost their hearing
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek...
Coworker: I couldn't sleep. Just thinking all night Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day
What do Jewish termites do for Passover? They have a cedar dinner.
What has antlers and sucks blood ? A moose-quito !
What do you call a badly cooked beef? A misteak.
"I don't want to make a spectacle..." Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Mr. Trump, who's your Secretary of State? TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his  field with a steamroller ? He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
Me: My daughters are 15, 13, and 10. Her: Do you want more kids? Me: Hahahahahahahaha Her: Is that a no? Me: *Deep breathe* Hahahahahaha
"We will, we will paper you!" - Band that's more awesome than Queen
I tried to rob a binoculars store today... But they saw me coming a mile away
You could put me in any city, and I could find a Taco Bell or Chipotle within minutes. My burridar is accurate to about 10 meters.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink... When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
Filling out application for new health insurance. Do you guys think "sick of everyone & everything" is considered a pre-existing condition?
Lindsay Lohan says she can't walk down the street without men chasing her. They're drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..
What does a chemistry lesson and a night club have in common? Someone drops the acid and someone drops the base.
I snatch kisses... ...and vice versa.
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot!
Huge shout out to the woman that message me first... Love you, Mum!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu you get tweetment, swine flu you get oinkment.
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot.
If I ever get a llama, I'm totally naming it Dalai.
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? Wouldn't you if your name was Hhuuuurrrnnnnggg.
I just got whipped and gagged by a lady covered in a ton of specks of leather. She was a dot matrix dominatrix.
Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
What's the bare minimum? One bear.
I went to an allotment yesterday to find more soil there than the day before. Today, I went there again and found even more soil.. The plot thickens...
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that.
Where do sick boats go? The dock!
It's Shark Week again already? It seems like only yesterday I put the decorations away from last year.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four: One to drop it, Three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Who is modern fiction's most notorious serial killer? George R. R. Martin.
What do you call a digital video recorder that cuts down trees and builds dams? A bvr
Ethnic cleansing Is that what Michael Jackson did?
Which song title makes an Ape heartsick? Gorilla My Dreams!
Someone gave Chuck Norris the finger. He still has it.
How does a midget buy stuff With micro transactions
"Hola! I'm Senor Coconut, children" [cracks head on the pavement. Children scream] "Drink me. Drink me. I'm full of vitamins and minerals"
Yay know, I'm no pedophile, but this childporn charge is some bullshit... Since when was it illegal search for euthanasia?
Why do walruses go to tupperware parties? They are always looking for a tight seal.
While making small talk with my wife's doctor I asked him what he does for a living because I am amazing at human interaction.
He was a satyr boy She said see you later boy He wasn't goat enough for her
If Keanu Reeves was born with two X chromosomes, what would he be? A whoa-man.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I've only had two.
What's a sheep's favorite type of alcohol? Mutton-schnapps.
Two men walk into a bar The third ducks. LOL
Whenever I'm feeling hopeful for future generations, I squelch it by watching my children move their heads instead of their toothbrushes.
How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes a shitload of lightbulbs.
What's the best thing about having sex with twentytwo years olds? There's twenty of them..
Some souls are consumed with what grows in the garden of others and then wonder, why their own does not flourish.
Women hate to be stereotyped. .. They're all like that.
Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu sir? Monster: No thanks just bring me the passenger list.
This game is like having sex in the woods It's fucking intents
I was gonna make a good science joke But all the good ones argon
How do you pay for a circumcision? With a tip!
What kind of dog do IT people prefer? A Dobie
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it'll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
This Is A Dirty Joke A white horse fell in the mud
Why do Jews never deck the halls on christmas? Because of the holly cost.
How do crazy people get through a forest? They take the psycho-path!
How do you know the universe likes Saturn? It put a ring on it.
SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.
My son sounds like a goat when he cries. He's just a little kid.
how did the art student make a million dollar work of art? He started with 2 million.
What do people say when they eat very tasty jam? "Jaaaam,this is good"
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever. I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn't finished it.
If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. For example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.
Did you hear David Copperfield got AIDs? He did Magic.
Why are all Stormtroopers virgins? Because they don't hit anything.
Me: you married? Him: separated Me: your wife know about that?
Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I've had too much of you and I'm going to throw up.
[Car breaks down] Me:*inspecting engine* Date: is everything ok? Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.
"I'd like you to go down to the shop and ask for a matteryogi." *"But, what's a matteryogi?"* Nothing Boo Boo
When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories.
What do you call a ubiquitous spud? A common-tater!
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg? Dr. Dre
Which color do Colombian communists hate the most? *Greengos*
My ex-girlfriend often told me to stop being so competitive. Like I was ever going to let her come first.
Why did the cookie smoke weed? Because he wanted to get baked.
My girlfriend's got conjunctionitis It makes her 'ands swell up
Computer helpline? Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
Why did the grape cross the road? To get away from the grapefruit.
ME: here's your bday present! BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again ME: just open it
Drove past a Graveyard today... How many people are dead in there? my father says... i go unno? He says " All of em" dadjoked. It was 1998.
What was the most popular TV show in Ancient Rome and Germany in early AD? Whose Rhine Is It Anyway?
What do you call a red-head that works at a bakery? A ginger bread man.
Girl, you have a nice... http://imgur.com/OJKPTJr
How can you get a set of teeth put in for free? Smack a monster.
Watching Dora with the kids this morning. I wish her parents would just get her an iPhone.
Shopping at Walmart to test my immune system.
Longest verb What's the longest verb in the English language? Smiles. There is a mile between the first and the last letter.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?  A: It's not real bright but it's cheap and spreads easy.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids!
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
What's the opposite of effort? F it.
Is the ocean salty because... the land doesn't wave back?
What's the worst part about being a black jew You have to stand in the back of the oven
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta? 4-year-old: It's not a doughnut.
My girlfriend is NOT a library book You hear that guys? Stop checking her out.
Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me You are a God!
What do you call it when a King gets a vasectomy? A heir cut
If Appendix removal is an Appendectomy and Getting your tonsils out is an Tonsillectomy... .... is a sex change an Addadicktome?
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli? He was pulled under by a strong currant
give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. teach a man theres plenty of fish in the sea but for som reason he still wont get over janice
A politician died It was a good day.
Somebody wrote "wash me" on my car. I'm so lazy, I just wrote "no" under it.
Would you like to know the best way to avoid drama? Just stop going to plays!
whats the difference between a woman and a computer ? A woman has no use for a 3 1/2" inch floppy.
Women: When it comes to doggie style...men are behind you 100%
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know
Few things can match the satisfaction of high-fiving someone who is trying to give you the Talk To The Hand gesture.
A guy walked into a gay bar backwards. Ouch.
Where can you always find someone ready to fight? In the WishANiggaWoods
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance? A: To a meatball.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can't see you right now ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Whenever I see a person with a yoga mat... I tell them to get bent.
I've just returned from outer space. I took a book to read while I was up there. I couldn't put it down.
What's the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun has one trigger.
A midget once smoked a lot of weed... He got medium.
So I broke up with my girlfriend because our signs didn't match... ...I'm a Sagittarius, and she's a bitch.
Medical science still doesn't have a cure for premature ejaculation, but researchers say it's coming quickly.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotofpuss.
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect? A: Everything's $100.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
what do you call water that bounces? Spring water.
it's so crazy to think that, before the internet, real celebrities had to tattoo the little blue checkmark on their faces
The worst thing about being the first person to live on the moon will be getting caught lying every time you claim to get laid.
Why do rabbits make good mathematicians? Because they're constantly multiplying!
How does the Catholic Church make their holy water? They boil the hell out of it.
Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.
Girl can I get your digits? Jack the Ripper was a quite a pickup artist.
Where do frogs come from? They're German and a tad-polish
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Ke$ha is what would happen if Comic Sans came to life.
Got late on my first day at work, blamed it on Rush Hour. Got late on the 2nd day, Blamed it on Rush Hour 2
Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive! Has the computer stopped working? No but there's a lot of crackling.
My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar. I said "maybe".
One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!! I'll have sex with their boyfriends
I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Girls Without a penis
Barksy, it's like Banksy, but he's a dog. Now I just sit back and watch the retweets roll in.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents] "Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
How do feminists screw in a lightbulb? By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!
So Donald Trump wakes up in the White House one morning...
My head is throbbing, maybe i have amnesia nah, I don't remember hitting my head
Four gay guys walk into a bar... To see only one stool was open. "Ah not a problem!" The bartender said as he flipped the stool upside down.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. 
I'd like my headstone engraved in Burger King font.
*pulls away from kissing -What does CVS stand for?
How did you do in your tests ? I did what George Washington did ! What was that ? Went down in history !
I'm calling Facebook "Mom" now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins' birthdays.
You can't blame me for making jokes about the earthquake. It's not my fault.
hi Why didnt Spock make a record of their voyage? Because it was deep space . (the joke is how the outer space was very deep)
Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today. She laughed and laughed. Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
I heard Lincoln is doing well in theaters Traditionally, this has not been true.
What do you call a fruit that won't get married? A Cantaloupe.
Whats BNAG? Its bang out of order!
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry made it out of the chamber alive...
What's the difference between a Boko Haram training camp and a Nigerian refugee camp? I don't know, I just fly the fighter jet.
a group of ducks are gathered around a ouija board. the glass slowly moves, B-R-E... *the ducks tense up* ...A-D *ducks go fuckin nuts*
Russian computer: "Enter password" Me: "Beef stew" Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". hi Stupid fireman...
I just gave my new secretary a sexy dress for her first week's salary. Next week, I'm going to raise her salary.
Do competitive origami artists ever fold under pressure?
You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.
"Why are you so excited?" the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc this is my first operation." "Really? It's mine too and I am not excited at all."
At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Brown
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.
[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that. [laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now
What is the difference between Jesus and a painting? You only need a nail to hang a painting.
Why does Mario hate Punchbug? Because he bruises like-a Peach!
What did the boy say after the tailor made fun of him for not wearing pants? Hey, why don't you cut me some slacks?
Why Doesn't Santa Have Any Kids? Because he comes down the chimney.
Q: What were the unauthorized protestors guilty of doing? A: Marching banned.
They brought the hot dog in for questioning. He gave the... wurst... answers.
I tried telling him to stop eating Canadian provinces But he's having Nunavut
If Edgar Allen Poe didn't have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I got the opportunity to taste some Wookiee steak today It was a little Chewie.
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intense.
Don't Drake and drive or you'll end up at your ex's house.
How do you stop a taliban tank ? Shoot the Guy Pushing it
When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I'd prefer if you included tigress
Why I Consider Myself A Jokester Jokes are much more acceptable in society than moles.
How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight. She told me, "DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!" I'm considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
What did the talking cow say to the dog giving birth in front of the feed trough? Moo, bitch. Get out the way.
The worst part about being a billionaire... ...is people thinking you said "millionaire".
What does a bi-sexual porn star do at work? Fuck all
Sardar sent SMS to his BOSS: "Me sick, no work" Boss SMS back: "When I am sick I kiss my wife try it" 2 hours later sardar sms 2 boss: "Me ok, ur wife very sweet"
Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers? It's a shifty business.
I'm a simple mathematician... I see 281x285, I like.
All jeans are skinny jeans... ...if you're fat enough.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out
What did Goku say when he heard his wife listening to the song, "Fancy"? Aye, Chi-Chi, Why?
My girlfriend fell and got a bruise on her ass. It was nasty. and the bruise was ugly too.
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution....
How many Mizzou students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "*Whys the lightbulb got to be white?!*"
Are you Greek (If No) are you sure cause you look like a goddess to me?
According to this white t-shirt, I'm the BP of red wine.
What's the difference between fighting on the internet and participating in the paralympics? None, even if you win, you're still retarded.
A waitress asks my son what he would like to eat, he replies "I would like to devour the undead".... He likes eggs.... Courtesy of my girlfriend
If your job ever feels pointless... just remember somebody is the fact checker for Buzz Feed.
A man walks into a caffe splash
Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet ? Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes !
[at church] "I'm here for the blood."
[Native Americans see ship approach] Let's use fake names lol "Ha! I'll be Running Bear,u be Crazy Horse" lmao do u think they'll believe us
Why did my girlfriend go on birth control? Because I wanted her to be a twinkie and not a toaster strudel.
NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him! ME AS NIETZSCHE'S LAWYER: your honour we're gonna need a recess
Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house? Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
This blonde is so stupid she called me to get my telephone number!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To murder link
What is the Funniest Joke You Can Think of Make it hilarious please.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog] she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar... The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.
I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him. And now someone's texting him.
Why did microsoft go directly to windows 10? Because windows 7 8 9
Why are women so bad at being hockey goalies? Because there are 3 periods and only 2 pads.
What is Swizz Beatz's favorite breakfast meal? Alicia Quiche
What is a collie puppy's favorite toy? A chew-chew train!
One thing's for sure: People who don't know the difference between "Your" and "You're" and "To" and "Too" have strong opinions on Facebook.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Know why you can't play bingo with Japanese people They all scramble for cover when you call B-29.
A man has started a business in Afghanistan. He's selling landmines that look like prayer mats... Prophets are going through the roof.
What do you say to the guy who just jumped in the septic tank? Urine over your head!
really old joke based off a video game from the 90's What are the three certainties in life? ( Thank you for spellcheck on google chrome ) 1. death 2. taxes. 3. you'll hear this joke sooner or later
Helen Keller walks into a bar... Then she walks into a table. Then she walks into a chair.
How is marriage like a tornado? At first there is a lot of sucking and blowing, but when it's over your house is gone.
If the answer is 'cockrobin', what's the question? 'What's up my ass, Batman?'
I went to a Star Wars themed bar yesterday They served everything in solo cups
What's the most popular family car in Norway? The Fjord Focus
Pedophiles are basically another form of hipsters... ... they are into people before it's cool.
What happens when you ditch a gf for another she will become bff with your new gf, and become lesbians
They told me to bring an exotic animal I said alpaca Llama They asked if that was a hybrid
How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him? A buccaneer
If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.
What's the most sensitive part of your body after you masturbate? Your sense of guilt
How do golfers get away with cheating? The unfairway
My friend gave me a balloon and told me not to pop it.. but I blew it!
Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.
What do you say to a naked pig? "I never sausage a body."
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It's basically Twitter.
Which of the following lines will do a better job  of frightening a man away? 1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
But laughing at you Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo. Do not worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.
I spy with my little eye. A kid terrified with my literally little eye.
What do you if there is a black out? Make sure your doors are locked and windows bolted shut.
I texted my wife with "ROTFHAHA" & she replied with "LMAO" so I don't think she understands that I'm having a heart attack.
if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say "it's ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway"
/r/programming joke On a scale if 0 to 1, does it hurt?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I use to know someone who was addicted to soap. He's clean now
First Rule of *Always Right* Club--No Men Allowed
I was watching an educational TV show one time. It was so boring, but what's more fucked up is I contracted visual AIDS.
I saved my neighbors some money on their car insurance By totaling their car!
The Milli Vanilli Tour has been cancelled... They blamed it on the rain
Jokes religious people find offensive Why did chicken cross the road? He had cancer on his balls. P.S. He was actually Allah and not chicken
How did the pollock die raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Did you hear about the guy who crushes Pepsi cans with a hydraulic press? It's sodapressing.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I've had to do.
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ? He had to get a new goat !
Dr to nurse! Dr to nurse: "How much has this man had to drink?" Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"
In Russia they don't have Netflix, they have Njetflix.
1)sit in toddler seat of a shopping cart. 2)tip over til feet touch the ground. 3)stand up. you're now a grocery turtle. no one can stop you
The cow says "Moo." The pig says "Oink." The dog says Ed..ward.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex? They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Pick-up Line How 'bout you come to Myspace, so I can Twitter you with my Yahoo then Google all over your Facebook?
How do you cock block two lesbians? With a rock, because rock beats scissors.
What happens when you combine TNT with a hard drive? It gets blown to ***bits!***
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Hickory dickory dock Three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one And the other two got away with minor injuries.
Canadian castles... They really aren't my fort-eh.
I just set Twitter to post to Facebook, and Facebook to tweet to Twitter... So the internet should explode any minute now.
This guy in my living room must think I'm an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I once thought about suicide. Then I realised that there's probably better things to name our child.
What type of cow produces both milk and potatos? Your Mother.
I went to a funeral the other day, my friend died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Twitter is the only place where black people can follow me,and not get nervous about it
"Can I take your order?" Wait, take it where? "No, not-" I haven't even given you my order yet "I mean-" WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Just a Reddit joke Never mind, I already Reddit.
What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
"I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others"- The phrase that started Facebook
[Job Interview] HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness? Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath "I can't forgive people"
Why are women like magazines? They have a lot of issues
If by "be (your) girlfriend" you mean "catch spiders and hide them in your pockets everyday" then yes, I'll be your girlfriend.
Everybody loves pussies... Except the dong lovers. *dog :P
What do you call a street on the Mexican border? Wall Street
I have the heart of a lion... and a lifelong ban from the zoo.
It's hard to fall asleep because I don't trust myself to not die.
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits your windshield? it's butt.
What do you call a duck on a rampage? Amok
Mario Bros. Plumbing  (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri.... (Read More)
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I'm about to get REALLY chatty. C: You're free to go.
What does the south call friends with benefits? Cousins.....
What did one penis say to the other penis? I just want to belong
I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !
What do you call a robbery in China ? A Chinese take away !
How do you tell someone that they're not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? It had a bad driver! **bows ** I'll show myself out.
My dad's reasoning for wearing sandals to Church Jesus wore sandals too.
It's the 21st century, people. Why in the world do we still have mornings?
If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you!
What did Davy Crockett say when he looked over The Alamo wall and saw 5,000 Mexican Soldiers? "Who the hell ordered a new roof?"
[at pet store] Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I'm Pudding you in Custardy! "Ugh, well isn't this just Flantastic."
Life is Like a Buffet- Sure, there are some good ones, but most are sad and crappy, and eventually, they kick you out.
What happened to the man who had a Disney character lodged up his rectum? He had the Mickey taken out of him
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend *ring ring* ME: Hello FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My Favorite Joke :) What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? ... "Its gonna take me awhile to hard 'cause I just got laid by a chicken!"
Did you hear what happened when the Pope went to mount Olive? Popeye beat the shit out of him.
Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund To get a long little doggy
Expecting a person of a certain race to constantly be commenting on their race is also a kind of racism.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate bob: karen! god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Stranger danger is a very real thing. They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Just heard a lady in Target scream "WE DON'T BUY THINGS JUST TO BUY THINGS" at her kids and now I kinda wish she'd have a talk with me also.
I don't want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don't fit us anymore.
A list of Hilary Clinton jokes. [deleted]
Why didn't the engineer cross his own bridge? Because he didn't truss it.
Knock Knock. [My C#@&amp;] Who's there? Mike. Mike Who?! Mike Och
What do you call a long bike ride with a bunch of cheap wine? Le Tour de Franzia
My wife's hot best friend just sent me an email with the subject line: "Date Night." I'm just going to stop there and imagine the rest.
Imagine if people referenced the Beach Boys more often! Wouldn't it be nice?
A northern californian sees alot of helicopters in the sky... ...he turns to his friend and says, "Hella Copters"
Ladies, don't be fooled. Sometimes, your knight in shining armor, is just a retard in tin foil.
I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed... But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.
I usually don't like recycling jokes, but... Did you hear the one about the priest and rabbi at the bottle redemption center?
If I could have any superpower in the world It would have to be Cold War era Russia.
Sure, I'd get married. But follow him on Twitter? I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.
Why are many electronics handbooks banned in Germany? diepole
You know why I hate Cancer? I have crabs. *(Zodiac)*
A book just fell on my head! I guess I only got my shelf to blaim!
What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaayy!
A truck driver runs over a woman. Whose fault is it? The truck driver's, he was driving through her kitchen.
What did the chicken say to the farmer Nothing, chickens don't speak English.
What did the picture say to the Judge? I WAS FRAMED! I just now made that up. I feel good about this one! ~Skip
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator (   )
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other's a fish.
I'm a bit racist. I think F1 is much better than NASCAR.
Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife? At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.
I asked God for a bike,... I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
What's the difference between negligence and falling off of the empire state building? Nothing if you're a gorilla.
What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they're obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
A rapist, a pedophile and a priest walks into a bar.
Joke. What do you call a man without arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat? ......Claude!
Why did the bicycle fall over?? Because it was two tired...
What do you call a jackass in the mafia? A donkey.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
How does a shepherd integrate black and white flocks? Ewe-substitution
Hello 911. "He's back what do I do?" Brent? "Yes" It's the just the mailman remember "Ok, sorry." Bye "Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I recently got a job circumcising elephants the pay is terrible but the TIPS ARE HUGE!
How does constipation work? I don't give a shit.
Why are autistic people like black people? They all look the same.
A man with two coffins under the arm knocking on a door. a woman answer you've brought your children from the trip
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
What do you call a special needs kid who is late for class? "tardy"
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot! Priest: This is communion... M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr- P: Leave.
Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes
If greens are the staples of a healthy diet... I'm gonna need some paperclips.
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What do you call a clean Mexican? Spic and span
Conjugating verbs is great It's always in-tense
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.
write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead
Who's the chief of the internet? E-ronimo!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a  parrot with a vampire ? It bit his neck sucked his blood and said 'Who's a pretty boy then ?'!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I've gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Bees Did you guys hear about the new, milk-making bees they found in Africa? They're called boo bees.
What's got 24 balls and screws small animals? A shotgun shell.
Bad news, I won the McArthur idiot grant, now I owe them a millions dollars
Why did barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
Q: How many screenwriters to make "Titanic" a good movie? A: One more than they had.
What's the difference between a radish and a beet? I've never radished off to OP's mom.
Bill Cosby walks up to a woman in a bar.. and says, "Excuse me, would you like to play the rape game?" "NO!" "That's the spirit!"
An excerpt from my self help book, "How to Get Rich Quick" Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick The End
Babies who cry in a restaurant would rather be eating in a breastaurant.
My professor accused me of plagiarism His words, not mine.
What happened to the chicken who crossed the road.. Got hit by a bus.
A man so poor... A man is so poor that he is unable to pay his exorcist. As a result he was repossessed.
What is it called when two celebrities are fighting? Star wars.
What does a communist cat say Mao
What do you call a race where all the runners have no legs? An arms race.
Why don't you ask about the home life of a filing cabinet? It's usually a sorted affair.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware issue.
I want to make a school shooting joke, but that might seem offensive. I think I should aim for a younger crowd.
The Oscars so white I gotta wear shades.
"Look we LOVE the script for 'Murder Bees', just change the name to 'My Girl' and you've got yourself a movie!!"
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders. I'm so sorry
"Hustle back on defense you lazy bastard!" screamed the 300 lb guy at the TV in this sports bar eating onion rings at 10:30 AM.
What do hitler and a boston marathon runner have in common The inability to finish a race
Whats the ISIS members' astrological sign? Sad terrorist
WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale.  WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Wife: What ARE you doing? Me: [pelvic thrusting around the kitchen] Gettin jiggy wit it what's it look like? W: Making the dog nervous.
[In bed with gf] "Do you have any fantasies?" Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one? "Yes.. why?" I want to hit her with my car
What part of the vegetable can you not put in a mixer? The wheelchair
Best if said out loud... So a mango's (man goes) in a bar... What the hell is a mango doing in a bar? But chessy but gets a good giggle :D
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The Wall Street protesters are right... There is no Jobs.
When impersonating a coworker, I like to add a little extra dumb to their voice.
What do you call Batman and Robin after they got run over by a steamroller? Flatman and Ribbon
Abortion jokes are a lot like the procedure itself. If you half-ass it then it will come out mangled.
A blind man walks into a bar Then into a chair, then into table.
A policeman and a prisoner play chess. The policeman beats him.
What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard Pillow Fight
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn't sell air.
Stopped by the apple store to see if they have a better phone than the Samsung Galaxy S3......ilaughed
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Trying to nurture my inner bully to stay motivated. So far, all I've succeeded in doing is stealing my own lunch money.
What's the worst part of haveing a long dick nsfw You keep stepping on it when you tuck it in your shoe!
Yo momma so fat... She is geographically bipolar.
How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan? ... Take their little stones and brooms away!
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Which bird is always out of breath ? A puffin !
Why is gambling not allowed in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Hey, want to hear a Top Gear joke? Morris Marina. badump-pshhh
Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, "It doesn't matter where  you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".
Playing Trivial Pursuit with Grandma: "Name an animated character dedicated to cleaning up the planet, who loves Eva?" Nana: "Hitler."
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don't cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it. Now who's stupid? They are!
Google fiber mission statement Bringing you a more regular internet.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class. One killed the padawans. The other was abandoned in the desert I'm dreading that class reunion.
It's so sweet that curtains spend all day as far apart as possible.. but then get back together at night because they're scared of the dark.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make when they fly over my head.
I always thought, hey, at least air is free ...until I bought a bag of chips.
A masochist walked into a bar But he was okay with it
how does jesus make coffee? hebrews it.
Q: Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey? A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.
What's the most useless thing on a woman? A drunk Irishman.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government
how do you get a dog to stop licking his balls?, pick it up and suck its dick.
HI MOM. YOU'RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Why are government employees constipated? Because they don't do shit.
Some people will believe anything if you start with 'This is just between you and me'.
Last year, I had an Easter egg But it dyed.
So what exactly can I learn on the Internet? Anything you like - it can even teach you to talk like an Indian. How? See? It's working already.
Did you hear about the six month old Ethiopian child? He was having a mid life crisis
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field.
Wat did the mermaid wear to her math exam? An algae-bra.
Batman- See, kids? Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field!
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Honey, I think the milks gone bad "what makes you say that dear?" *milk presses the gun to my back* just a hunch, btw where's your purse?
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side.
So a pedophile, an alcoholic and a priest walks into a bar he sits down
Nothing says "I'm unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
How manny women dose it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one she hokds the blub and the world revolves around her.
Make a sentence with the following words 'elephant' 'ant' 'ass' 'in' and 'bamboo' Ant in an elephant's ass
My wife says "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you" when 1. she's not talking, she's yelling, and 2. I'm not walking away, I'm retreating
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
What are cranes made of? Cranium.
I felt a twinge of sadness when I released my daughter would be leaving for college in a year. I have to wait a whole fucking year
I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!
I have this joke about Ebola... But you probably wouldn't get it.
What is every young lady`s ultimate Disney fantasy? To sit on Pinnochio`s face and hope he tells lies.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I'm tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
A great joke to play on people in their 20's would be to replace the computers in a library with a card catalog.
When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says "Aww you were so cute! What happened?" Bitch, I got sexy,  that's what happened.
How's your baby? Your baby penis!
"Say something I dare you" probably isn't the best attitude to have at work.
What's the difference between a baseball and a fat girls pussy? You could probably eat a baseball.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter. They will just keep reposting the same lightbulb.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
My marriage counselor told me that I suffer from premature ejaculation... I said..."I don't suffer."
Dear Applicant, Your resume appears to be a string of stolen tweets. Congratulations, you're our new VP of Marketing!
Why is it that most people who are against abortion.. Are people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place. R.I.P. George Carlin.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going.
When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee That's a moray.
Why did the police arrest the pedo sheep? Because he was on the lam.
What do you call an awkward questioner? I don't KNOW, that's why I **asked** you. God.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick in your girlfriends ass!
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? An ambulance
Blows you, kisses See proper punctuation is important
Damn bro, judging by your handshake I would hate to be your d*ck.
why do i hear the sounds of toilet flushing? Some shit must be going down
What do you call a brown guy in between two buildings? Ali.
FREE HOROSCOPE: You look terrible today. Avoid stuff and people. Don't buy a Kindle. Also, brush your teeth more often.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won't be as big a deal when she's 28 and he's dead.
I like my women like I like my isotopes. Stable.
What did the Banana say to the Vibrator? I don't know why you're shaking, she's going to eat me.
What do you call a bunch of crows that go to church? A mass murder
Miss France just won Miss Universe The French finally won something.
What did the constipated math teacher do? Worked it out with a pencil.
New lesbian species of dinosaur discovered. Lickalottapus.
What to hear a joke? Women's Sports.
Me: I know exactly what's wrong with me, Doctor. Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn't you? Me: NO! Dr: <blink> Me: One TINY Google.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
How do you know you have a high sperm count? When the girl has to chew before she swallows.
First World Problems Mi atocoreect is brokan.
"What rhymes with California?" -Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song writing session ever
I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted "WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!"
Pikachu hates Rebeca black
A little black baby dies and goes to heaven... God gives him wings. The little black baby says, "wow God, does this mean I'm an angel?" God replies, "Nah nigga, you a bat".
Why is there no gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby? They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.
Why did the duck go to rehab? He was addicted to quack
Soap addiction I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now!!
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous! me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
New 50 Cent Song Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat? They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".
My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your ass!
I saw a boat with a sign that said "For Sale" so I added an "ing" to the end. Fucking idiots are lucky I came along.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "doll feet running into the closet" Because I AM NOT HITTING SNOOZE WHEN I HEAR  THAT SHIT
Did you hear about greek porn? They can't do money shots anymore
A police body camera is like Pokemon GO for catching criminals Mostly because it never seems to work properly
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
I'm actually surprised Sarah Palin has fewer than 200,000 Twitter followers, or, as she calls them, "Birdy-word-numberees."
I'm selling a WWII relic.... A beautiful French rifle. It's never been fired and only dropped once.
Sorry I have byslexia...
Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer? Because he wanted frozen pop.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Candice ! Candice who ? Candice get any better !
If you are a driver who swerves right before turning left, take a long hard look in the mirror, and then punch yourself in the face.
Chad always has an impeccable fashion sense, even when he's not trying People ask him how he does it and he tells them, "Well, I didn't stay in the closet all those years for nothing".
The only people that get more concussions than NFL players... ...Are their wives
Boss: Where were you born? Santa : India .. Boss: which part? Santa : What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .
What is 168? Dinner for 4.
I told Stephen Hawking a joke once... ...he couldn't stand it.
What is yellow, fluffy, and hides your slippers? A Labrador Deceiver.
If Love is like Chemistry. I am a noble gas.
Why did the Xbox One eat its cereal for breakfast, but not its pancakes? It had the spoon, but not the 4k.
My "Game of Thrones" is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The forest animals are about to rip me apart but suddenly they back off. Hillary Clinton emerges from the trees. The animals bow their heads
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C.
Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on 'Once Upon A Christmas'? Isn't that a form of cannibalism?
A healthy man in a room of paraplegic people is outstanding
You heard about the first woman to ever die of a marijuana overdose? She was giving Snoop Dogg a rim job and he farted.
What's the difference between a canoe and a jew? A jew don't tip
The awesome thing about planned parenthood Is the more limbs they cut off the more places I have to stick it.
My girlfriend was getting kinky in bed, and she said, "Hurt me! Hurt me!" So I got in my car and ran over her cat.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? (Most people respond, "Arrr!") That's what I thought too, but it turns out their hearts belong to the 'C'.
How does an abortion doctor like his eggs? Scrambled.
Nobody suspects that you're digging a grave when you're always working on your landscape.
I gave an emotional speech at a Visine convention... There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ? Sister Matic !
A 5-year old boy approaches his father saying, "Dad, I know the woman I want to marry." "Oh yeah, who is it?" He replies, "Grandmaw." "You can't marry my mother!" "Why not? YOU MARRIED MINE!"
Weird Joke Q: Why did Godcreate man before woman?A: He needed a rough draft before he made a final copy.
How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs? The toothfairy.
Fun Prank: 1.) Buy 35 coats 2.) Goto the movie theatre 3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row 4.) Relax
What's the difference between a lobster and a bus stop? Ones a busty crustacean the other is a crusty bus station
The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you're wondering why she's typed everything' in capitals,it's to emphasize the point.
I lost ten pounds! Learn my hot diet secret! (I replaced booze with pot)
Why am I subscribed to r/History I just realized there never anything new there
My idea of muslim-oriented bar failed miserably. But I really expected "Allahu Ak-BAR" to blow up the nightlife.
Either my shirt shrunk in the wash or, a more likely reason, those four push-ups per day have made me a BEAST.
Cigarette: Hey buddy. Me: I don't smoke anymore. Cigarette: But buddy. Me: NO. Cigarette: Buddy? Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
What Slenderman doesnt have? Facebook.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a hypothetical question?
How do you fit 4 queers on a barstool You flip it upside down
"Just saw this text." Just saw this lie.
Why can't you hear rabbits having sex in the woods? They have cotton balls!
What is the derivative of 151? Poke(dx)
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I got my first ejaculation today... I did not see that comming...
I asked my North Korean friend... ...how it was there. He said he couldn't complain.
SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.
What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!
Hitlers Joke My dog has no nose. Well how does it smell? Awful.
Did you hear the one about the crossed eyed teacher? She couldn't keep her Pupils straight
Why don't hipsters like fishing? It's too mainstream.
I speak Swedish with an Ikea accent.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One WALKS on the MOON, and the other fucks little children.
My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in with a stick'  he just died first.
How do you make a man like 10 pounds of fat? Stick a nipple on it.
Where does Donald Trump store his books? The fireplace.
Did you hear about the gay midget? He was just a little queer.
Me: goodnight moon Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Even 9/11 had its positives... My house climbed 2 spots in the world's tallest building ranks.
What is the best part about banging a Milf ...you get to steal the Capri sun in the morning.
The only good part about choking to death on Teddy Grahams is your family can technically say you were killed by bears. Which sounds cool.
What do you call Mexicans living in the USA? Illegal aliens. LOL
Should Female Freshmen Be Called Fresh Women?
Hey, baby, I wish you were my definite integral so you'd be the thing underneath me.
Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed? He didnt use the main stream
I know some scientists who worked on LIGO. I am so glad to gravitate around people who make waves.
Accidentally used 13's shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.
What's the difference between BMWs and porcupines? On porcupines, the pricks are on the outside.
I really need to stop making jokes about drugs... They always seem to fall snort.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor
How does a male lightning bolt feel when he notices an attractive female lightning bolt?  Thunderstruck
I hope I look half as good on my wedding day as I do on my divorce paper-signing day.
Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow...
How do I submit a joke? Do I hand my life in?
I visited my boyfriend in prison the other day for a conjugal visit. It was a guilty pleasure.
My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
I like to make up little activities to keep the kids busy, such as "Go out and find $1000 by midnight or we're gonna lose the house!"
I've had to take a second job working in a bakery. I knead the dough.
My coworker looked like a nun today I told her she should break the habit
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane ? A dandy lion !
WHO SAID "YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED" A) Gov. George Wallace B) The Offspring C) My mom teaching me to do laundry D) All of the above
What type of train can a ginger not ride? A soul train
A baguette in the butt must be a pain in the ass
Trumps plan to build a wall might actually work The Chinese built a wall and they have almost no Mexicans in their country
How do you kiss a florist? With tulips.
I've said it before, I'll say it again. It.
Why do girls get so moody when they're on their periods? It's such an ovary action.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I'd just call my boss.
What do you call a lesbian spy? Lesbianage.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE! AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!
Donald Trump has banned shredded cheese. He's going to make America grate again.
Why is revenge a dish best served with honey? Because honey is what you find at the end of bee trails (betrayals)
Why was the ginger declined when he tried to sell his soul to the devil? Insufficient funds.
How many reddit admins does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seriously who knows? It's pitch black in here.
Your honor, the victim was stabbed 18 times. (Capri Sun Court)
You don't serve tuna do you? "No sir, we don't serve fish here" *A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Dear posters of /r/jokes, can't you be a bit more original with your posts? My friends say they are tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go
What does an agnostic ... dyslexic insomniac do at night? He lays awake and wonders if there really is a dog.
A Puerto Rican meteorologist sought counseling. When asked "why?" he replied, "Tropical Depression."
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Why Yao-Ming tries to catch Pikachu? He's from Team Rocket
What is a primate's ideal salary? A gorillian dollars per year.
I masturbated to Princess Leia the other day It was a hand solo.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web? Your keyboard.
A vampire walks into a bar... He orders a cup of hot water. When he gets it he smiles, whips out a bloody tampon, and says Time for Tea!
How do you say no in German? Square root of 81
How does an optometrist make love? Better like this ... or better like this?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
What do you call a plant getting kidney surgery? A transplant
Don't get me started. I don't come with brakes.
I got a sweater for christmas... I really wanted a moaner but I got a sweater.
The rotation of the earth Really makes my day
The big bang by Dina Mite
What do you call a fish without any eyes? A fsh
What did the pirate say when asked how old he was? Aye Matey!
Why does a blonde lay on the floor while shopping? To look for the lowest prices.
Time for a limerick... On the first date with her new man, Keith Young Pamela let out a queef. He tried to ignore That she's surely a whore But at least her bjs had no teeth!
Why did the pedophile move to Korea? Because there, Too Young is just a name.
The only B word you should be using to describe her is "Beautiful." Because bitches love being called "beautiful."
What did little Hitler get for his birthday? His Third Treich.
Me: Do you think its strange to talk to yourself? Me: No.
Why does having sex outside suck? NSFW Because of the fucking mosquitoes.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I'm going to get tonight.
A horse walks into a bar... ...the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I have AIDS."
Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking Me: but why? D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose
3 rings of marriage 1) Engagement Ring 2) Wedding Ring 3) SuffeRing
Why do people smoke after having sex? Because they're doing it too fast.
"Hi can I just have a single burger?" I'm sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship "But that's not eve- Please show some respect
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.
If I had 2 fish I would name them 1 and 2 so if 1 died I would still have 2.
Q: What bone will a dog never eat? A: A trombone.
My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?
I would make a fitness joke But it just wouldn't work out..
All these people training for marathons and I'm over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.
What do you call a man who just had his back waxed? A Faggot.
For lack of a better word... Buy a thesaurus
What do you call an angry German? A sour kraut.
I don't understand all of this Chris Brown hype. After all his music isn't even that good, his only decent hit was Rihanna.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven One looks to the other and says "man it's hot in here" The other looks back and says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"
911: 911. What's your emergency? Me: I'm bleeding profusely. 911: Sir, this line is reserved for joke formats. Me: ...
"I can closely relate to the LGBT community, as my own child is a man trapped in a woman's body ..." Fortunately for him, he'll be born next February.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing.. Wife: OMG [storms off] Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA [Priest faints]
Love how they call info pamphlets "literature." Like the opening line is gunna be, "It was the best of HPV, it was the worst of HPV."
If today's weather were a fashion line, which would it be? Burrrrberry
If money doesn't grow on trees... Then why do banks have branches?
Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo shit shoveler
I'm not saying you're on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.
Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.
(NSFW) What do a girl's asshole and a 9 volt battery have in common? You know it's wrong, but eventually you have to put your tongue on it.
"Please let go of my hair" -my gynaecologist
starting an indie band called Their Early Stuff
Use the force luke I've run out of lubricant
Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don't like just in case I turn into The Hulk.
Knock knock Who's there? Abby. Abby who. A bee has stolen my wallet. (I will show my self out)
I like my women how I like my buscuits Covered in semen.
[commercial for Facebook] *man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars* "Don't you wish there were a better way?"
What's the inverse of Kansas? Arkansas
LPT: if you are lost in japan, ask for soy sauce ...it will shoyu the way
" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed. " Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipes his butt.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.
When I die I already know my last words will be. "but I'm still hungry"
What's E.T short for? ...'cause he's got little legs
Why did the hipster drown in the lake? Because he went ice skating before it was cool.
Guys that try to pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Q: What county in Ireland hates "South Park?" A: Killkenny.
A dad sits down with his son for a talk Dad says to his son, "Hey, if you don't quit masturbating you're gonna go blind!" Son says, "Dad I'm over here..."
What do you call Bigfoot when he has an attitude? A sass-squatch.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Curry ! Curry who ? Curry me back home will you !
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you're a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Umlaut is a pretty fancy word for what are basically just little letter nipples.
It's a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, he just "fell"
Hey, girls who won't stop talking about how much you love sports: We get it. You want a boyfriend.
How do you make an Italian deaf? Tie their hands behind their back.
Why don't dirty commies shower? Because they don't want to wash away their Marx.
I can still remember my Grandpa's last words to me: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid money to have a garbanzo bean on my face
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it wouldn't come anyway.
*at Starbucks* "Ya I'll have the medium roast please" *Barista insults him a lot but not too much*
You know social media has gone too far when all your Christmas presents have twitter integration. Sent from my ugly sweater.
They're coming for me They're banging on my doors. I haven't eaten an apple in months. They're forcing their way in in. The doctors are here. Tell mum I love her.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall? It depends how strong you throw them
What's the difference between a park bench and a writer? A park bench can support a family.
*outside my house* - Don't let them know you have Clifford - Hey you must really like red your whole first floor is red, and barks? - Damn
The Strongman by Everhard Muscles
My new thai girlfriend said "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship" I still wish she didn't have one though.
What happens when you give Donald Trump Viagra? He gets taller.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog? "Ugh fine what's wrongdog" Me: thank you so much for asking I'm doing terrible
Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione? Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch
Why is pinocchio so good in the bedroom? He nose what he's doing
Why do the undead read cringe stories? Because they're already... DEAD INSIDE.
70% of all university students identify themselves as procrastinators. .. The other 30% haven't gotten round to it yet.
I overheard a super skinny girl say that she sometimes forgets to eat. So naturally I licked her face to see if it was contagious
yo mama... yo mama so stupid  she thinks yo mama jokes are still funny
Oh ya, let's sit down and talk about it! *That's how I end and win any argument with hubby.
What's the name of the tree that gives mexicans? The scaffolding
When you see someone driving with their shirt off it makes you feel so stupid for driving with your shirt on.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bette-lou ! Bette-lou who ? Bette-lou a few pounds !
Someone should tell dudes who pay dominatrixes to belittle them that the Apple Genius Bar is completely free.
Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fire place this morning.
I'm reading this amazing novel called "Dictionary", I'm only halfway through but I'm pretty sure the Zebra did it....
What has 10 letters and starts with gas? Automobile.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted - chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo's, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo's.
What's up dawg? Me: Up dawg Person: What is that? Me: What is what? Person: Whats up dawg? Me: nothing much hbu Person: ...
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.
The thing about the holocaust is... It was the experience of a lifetime.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention? Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim. Jim: ...Say that again.
I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression. Then I realized alcohol is a solution.
Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me," yet here I am.
Did you hear about our camping trip? It was in tents! I'll see myself out.
[job interview] "Tell me one of your weaknesses" I can be very stubborn "Will you please elaborate?" I will not
Hey I really like you. I wanted to know if you'd like to gradually grow to despise each other over the next 4-5 years.
It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.
Q: How did the ghost patch his sheet? A: With a pumpkin patch.
So there are three nuns walking down the street and a streaker runs by... The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third, the third nun doesn't touch him.
Why is tomorrow like your girlfriend. It never comes.
If you're having luftballon problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 luftballons and whatever whatever I don't speak German
What's the difference between a baby and a feminist? At some point in it's life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.
When can you dive in a swimming pool and not get your hair wet ? When your bald !
I've been dumped by my girlfriend... She found me creepy as I always had to have a name for my penis, oh well, guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands now.
Do you know why doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis? Because the definition of arthritis is inflammation of the joints
[looks up from laptop while updating resume] son, you're good with computers "I'm alright" how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
what do you call a black man that flies an airplane? a pilot you racist fuck
What do you call a kid who tells bad jokes? A redditor
Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station... The other's a busty crustacean!
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it* *audience claps politely*
Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
What do you call Root Beer in a Square Glass? Beer.
Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember
Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, "Aw you finally chose me over Facebook!" I just didn't have the heart to tell her my battery just died.
What's a necrophilic pirate's favorite activity? Digging for booty.
I'm going to have to rethink my time machine rental business. People keep bringing them back a day before they rented them.
What does eating an old lady out taste like? Depends.
Sex burns 300 calories an hour. After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.
Q:How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A:Kick his sister in the jaw!!
What's it like having sex with a wave? Fucking hertz.
Two peanuts walk into a bar And one was assaulted
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases? MY DOG: Yes ME: Well do I have any? MY DOG: Yes, you're insane ME: Wow you can smell that? MY DOG: No
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring .... he's a cop.
My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house. I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.
NSFW My girlfriend was arrested for riding her bike today. She was charged with peddling pussy.
If you never say "FUCK IT" before posting a tweet then you definitely couldn't have tweeted this...
Biology joke A brother and sister are in the womb together, the sister kicks his foot and he says "hey that's mitosis". That is my original joke I made A few years ago.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When everyone knows that America is the best country in the world.
The lesbian vampire Did you hear about the bar-hopping, lesbian vampire? Once a month, she goes to gay bars and drinks everyone under the table.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says "Don't Bother Me," so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I fucked this retarded chick last night I wanted my first time to be special
Who held the baby octopus to ransom ?  Squidnappers !
When I have money, there's nothing to buy. When I don't have money, I want everything.
I always thought Apple was filled with giant assholes, but boy was I wrong Turns out they're really just tiny jack-offs
Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
A non sequiter walks into a bar 3
What did the tree say while it was being transplanted? Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!
The difference between "she's jogging & healthy" vs "she's in danger & I should help" is headphones.
I don't like referencing not et al.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not yelling and screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Why do fencers have the most karma on this sub? They are skilled at riposting good content
How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen? Because I'm tired of running and he's catching up....
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere
Guys can we please begin calling Krav Maga "Jew Jitsu?" I'm pretty serious about this but I don't know where to post it.
Why was the farmer disappointed when he tried to marry his prized melon? Because the minister wouldn't marry the two, since a melon can't elope!
Two Peanuts were Walking though the Park and one was a salted.
Q. Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? A. The Ultrasound Guy http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sound&amp;defid=491809
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s? Because they literally can't even.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To meet Adele (Hello from the other side)
We've all been yelled at... Let us all just take a moment of silence for the times we have been yelled at for doing something wrong on reddit...
A Viagra pill for woman has just been released onto the market. It's called Niagara.
'Do Not Touch' Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille
I recently got a job at the recycling plant But it's soda pressing.
Why did the chicken cross the road? She heard there was a man laying bricks and she wanted to see it with her own eyes.
Q: Why did the baker bake more bread? A: He kneaded the dough.
Dear rock bands, If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos? Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
hey remember back in the day when a coke only cost a nickel and everyone was just horribly ridiculously racist
What do you call a Japanese sociopath who is unaffected by death? Unbereavable
A man went to jail for sexually abusing a monkey. He was an apeist!
I only date Patriots fans Because they don't care if I cheat
Why does Washington DC stink? Because of the B O
Goodbye things in my apartment. Have fun coming to life and talking to each other. I'll be back around 6 pm.
A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender says "I feel cold." The ghost lingers for years. The bartender grows despondent, lost.
What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service? A monkey. (p.s. I have a wonderful, terrible love for bad jokes)
Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell "definitely."
Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I'm sorry, but your safe word must use letters, numbers, punctuation and be at least 16 characters long.
[Watching boxing] Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
knock knock whos there
What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a free lunch? Bernie Sanders exists.
What's your favorite rape joke? Here's mine: ______________________________
I have a riddle for you. There are two doors, one leads to heaven, the other leads to hell. There are two guards, the guard to hell always tells a lie, and the guard to heaven is Shakira's hips.
Why did the girl blush when she opened the fridge? She saw the salad dressing.
some simple jokes whats big white and falls out of a tree? a fridge whats green and has wheels? grass i was lying about the wheels
Wear all red and go Trick or Treating /tomorrow/. Tell them you're their period and you're sorry for being late!
What's the difference of a wife after 10 years of marriage and the Simpsons' new episodes after 10 years on the air? The wife doesn't suck.
I saw Adam Sandler at the beach He said he went there for the SAND
Have you seen the new movie about Auschwitz? The plot was interesting but actors could have put more soul into their characters. It was a hollow cast.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A rabbit trap fell on my head. It got caught on my hair.
What does D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexic Association.
What is an astronomer? A night watchman with a college education.
Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.
Nothing is certain but death and iTunes updates.
Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe. He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday.
At the grocery store, my daughter held up two types of fabric softener... ...and she asked, "Would you rather have dryer sheets, or dryer balls?"
Our Office Needs A 3D Printer Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies ... which he'd made on the Xerox machine.
What came first the egg or the Chicken? the egg, of course. Isn't that what I just said?
When your baby cries, don't feed it. That's just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I respected people a lot more before Spotify told me what they were listening to.
What's the most erotic food you can eat by yourself? Beef strokin'-off
Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..
79% of people don't know the opposites of these 6 words. 1. Always 2. Coming 3. From 4. Take 5. Me 6. Down Are YOU the 21%?
I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early. I told her "I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."
Always remember the first move in every fight...punch to the balls.
Why did the Scot screw the sheep on the edge of a cliff? So it would push back.
No YOU'RE the stalker. (I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a scottish sheep herder? One says, "hey, you! Get off my cloud!", and the other one says, "hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
There are so many Mexicans heartbroken about the pending wall Let's hope they get over it soon
[third date] Her: please quit calling me Jenny Me: oh my apologies Jennifer Her: my name is Amanda
Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets? A: She went looking for the three guys.
What are jokes about janitors called? Sweeping generalizations.
Does anyone have any good Tokyo Ghoul puns? I would love if someone would comment some Tokyo Ghoul jokes/puns! Or Attack on Titan... Thx!
What hair style is a calf's favorite? The cowlick!
So here is my 1st ever joke on reddit. Sorry not sorry how did i escape from Iraq? Iran!! Syrisly Yeman! The Struggle Isreal.
What's Donald Trumps's favorite Christmas carol? White Christmas
How does R.Kelly end a joke? Ba dum *piss*
Waiter what's this fly doing in my  soup? Um looks to me to be backstroke sir
Why do some girls walk in threes? They can't even.
Thousands of religions and you're damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,"So! What religion are you in for?"
Women treat me like God. They only talk to me when they need something.
I wonder if Morgan Freeman talks himself to sleep every night.
"I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone."  God, when He made scorpions
You probably know the last word of this sentence
A Jewish boy... A jewish boy ask's his father for 5 dollars. His father says "What do you need 4 dollars for? 3's enough. Here's 2." and gives him 1.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
Why was Ben Stein the only Jew that had prior knowledge of 9/11? Because he had clear eyes.
Marriage is like a pack of cards... Marriage is like a pack of cards: all you need at the start are two hearts and a diamond, but you end up wishing you had a club and a spade...
What do you call a sick extraterrestrial? An ailin' alien.
I forget what I used to do with my arms before I got my iPhone. Did I hang them down by my side? Straight above my head? I really forget.
A helicopter There are two men in a helicopter, the gunner says to the pilot,"are you going to rotate clockwise?" The pilot says,"yaw"
I told my girlfriend I wanted some new pussy. She told me to grow an inch.
Him: I hope you die a slow painful death Me: oh, no I'm not married
Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I'm not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
What kind of physician works on a  cruise liner? A dry doc.
*Husband using Ouija board after I've died* Please answer me *arrow moves* "It's on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!"
[1st date] "I'm really into roll playing," I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
(NSFW) My girlfriend dumped me because I couldn't give her the 12 inches she deserved.. I told that bitch "I don't cut 2 inches off for anybody!"
Thank you, pencil sharpeners! For always making a good point.
Today's my cake day! And I'm going to eat it too!
Don't kill yourself over a boy, he'll bring another girl to your funeral.
Sometimes you'll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.
My wife kicked me out due to my obsession with rubbing different types of pasta. Im feeling cannelloni right now.
When life gives you melons... ...you may be dyslexic.
[heaven's IT department] Ok, I see why your computer's crashing. Have you been closing doors again? God: Yes, why? Too many open windows
Hi. We noticed you Googled "How do I keep IT from seeing my browser history" yesterday at 3:21pm. How'd that work out for you?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I'm lost in the woods.
Data Today, a CS professor asked us what data is. Apparently, even though technically correct, the plural form of datum was not the answer he had in mind...
Why did Cersei Lannister sent princess Myrcella to Dorne? She knew her family history a little too well. Myrcella had two brothers.
tits What does one saggy tit say to another saggy tit? "If we keep on sagging like this, they might think we're nuts!"
1. Sits in the bedroom 2. Doesn't leave the house 3. Doesn't go out with freinds My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 
How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet. [Please take pity on me i am very unfunny :(]
"No, there's no way!" I totally could "No you couldn't!" *slams the rest of his beer* I can and I will -the first guy to ride an ostrich
How Many Tickles Does it Take to Make a Octopus Laugh? ten-tickles
Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome a good lover and a stimulating partner? A. In the pages of a romance novel.
I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract.... He reckons that many Hans make lights work.
Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle? A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'
Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep? Because it has two shifts.
What does Osama bin Laden and my wife's clitoris have in common? Took me 10 years to find it, but when I did; killed it!
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
A black guy and a Puerto Rican are in a car. So who's driving? Neither! They're both research scientists gathering data on Google's driverless car. You racist
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.
[last supper] drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
668  The neighbour of the beast.
Where did the joke wait to get a drink? The punch line...
A farmer walks onto a field, shovel in hand and starts digging long canals. The field groans and says to the farmer.. You're really irrigating me
Boys are cute how they're all "I like girls that don't wear heavy makeup" and "get down from that tree near my window or I'll call the cops"
Why do black people like the NBA? It's the only sport where you can shoot, steal and run!
The president of Iran visited Italy And all of the nude statues were covered during his visit. It was a precaution as they may have made his 9 year old wife uncomfortable.
*posts a link from buzzfeed to facebook* omg this. it's all so true. number 8 I can't XD
Vidi vini Me looking at ancient Etruscan nudes
[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave? I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.
Asked my 65yo mom what she'd like for Christmas and she said "Surprise me". Hope she likes her new pet python.
Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that's how I ended up in jail
Kids are like farts The only ones you can stand are your own.
If two vegetarians are fighting, is it still considered beef?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
What does it mean when they say my car needs "more low" I don't know, I don't speak Little Bitch.
"Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!" -Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.
India's population before the blackout was 1.2 Billion....After the blackout it's supposed to grow by another 300 million:)
A deer walks out of a gay bar "Damn I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!"
Which state has the smallest sodas? Minesoda
Teacher - if my cup is half full, what does that mean? Student - that you need a smaller bra!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon? A parsnip.
What's the difference between a penis and a red light? My girlfriend won't blow a red light.
Me: OMG I feel amazing! WebMD: sounds like cancer!
- I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar. - And a damn good one. I don't have any sons.
Dear Cupid, next time hit us both.
How do you know if a redneck girl is a virgin? See if she can run faster than her brothers.
turn-ons:  eye contact  people who pay attention to me  people who know how to push my buttons  oh god im a television  how did this h
Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill Let's Imax and climax
I posed naked for a magazine today Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money
What do you call a nurse with flat knees? The "head" nurse.
A man walks into a zoo but there was only a dog in it. It was a shitzu.
"sure was nice of me to give that homeless guy $5 this morning" [sees Steve Bannon on TV holding a Starbucks] "son of a..."
HER: let's be open about how we really feel. I'll go first I love you. ME: Ok well... I really, really, don't want Naruto to end HER: wtf?
Found the cause of the Fort McMurray fires.. My mix tape just dropped
on the ISS... what did the American Astronaut say to the Cosmonaut? What did the American Astronaut say to the fast moving Cosmonaut? Stop Russian around.
Everyone thinks.. Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish. Hitler's not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.
Does anyone want to buy a vacuum cleaner? Mine is just collecting dust at the moment.
I don't know what the big deal is. Putting my toddler to bed is easy... In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.
I took this girl home after our date... Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card? Her: *softly* holy shit
Do you know what Minnesota doesn't have? Super Bowl Babies.
I'll be a millionaire once I'm done making this device that lets you punch people in the face over the internet.
Sporks: the bisexual's favorite utensil
Why did the man sleep after being run over by a car? Because he got tired.
According to my calorie intake, I just need to be on the treadmill for 3 years today.
What's the best thing about dating a homeless chick? You can drop her off anywhere!
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two kids? Jose and Hose-B
What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Breaking it to your parents that you're gay.
What do you get when you win the laziest man in the world contest? Atrophy.
The hardest part about being black is never knowing if any of your family members are secretly being played by Tyler Perry.
I don't care if Facebook says you've got friends. Don't believe everything you read
I've invented a new form of martial arts which involves fighting over a penny. It's called Jew-Jitsu
Acorns must come from France. That would explain the tiny berets.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP* Boss: WTH?! Me: It's Natl Bully Month Boss: No, it's Natl Bully PREVENTION Month! Me: well this is awkward
A wise man once said, a cheating wife is like a deck of playing cards... You need a heart to love her A diamond to marry her A club to smash her fucking head in And a spade to bury the bitch...
I might not be a gynecologist But I know a cunt when I see one
NSFW? - Definition of a Period A period is a bloody waste of fucking time! (works in Australia, and probably England)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way
It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.
I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.
You really gotta hand it to short people.. Because they usually can't reach it anyways.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN'T automatic. The human race is doomed.
Little Caesar pick up line. Call me Little Caesar, cause I'm hot and ready.
We waste our entire youth to obtain wealth and later on our entire wealth to obtain youth.
Got myself a Microsoft advent calendar but I'm worried that once I've opened 3 or 4 windows I won't be able to open any more...
Do not underestimate me. 16 just dared me to eat the fish food. It's freeze-dried worms. Wasn't bad. I'm hungry.
Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.
I had my first PBR and it turns out that the stuff is just beer. It's just beer everyone
The world has gotten so politically correct that I don't know what is appropriate to throw at a crying baby in a restaurant anymore.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ben and Anna! Ben and Anna who ? Ben and Anna split!
Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.
Past, present, and future walk into a bar It was tense.
Congratulations to Charlie Hedbo for selling 3 million issues this week. I guess cartoons featuring Mohammed can be quite prophetable.
That awkward moment when you check the price tag and then slowly walk away.
You kids today with your on demand music don't know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
It's so freeing to be single again because now I can finally catch up on all the things I've been meaning to do like being really lonely.
Cat knocks over coffee Me.... Cat.... Me... Cat.... Me: well? Cat.... Me.... Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing. Jumps down
I wonder if mutes ever sign "Now that's what I'm talking about!"
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? (NSFW) It depends on how hard you throw them.
Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information- Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head
How do you get Sigmund Freud to screw a lightbulb? Tell him the lightbulb is his mother.
So this hot girl checked me out today... The total was $7.83
An unconscious man arrives at a hospital... After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus. The doctors have declared his condition as "stable."
I once met a detective who would copy drawings of penises in his spare time. I think his name was Dick Tracey
They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
Mariah Carey sounded horrible the other day. It was like a cannon went off in her throat.
How do you you ask your male friend to shave your body? You don't.
They say everyone is unique... Isn't that a bit of a generalization?
How many votes does it take to change a light bulb? Votes don't change shit.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
What is worse than 7 babies nailed to a tree? One baby nailed to 7 trees:)
I went camping with a bunch of supermodels once. It was pretty in tents.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask? Me- you said lets do Yoda together H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I am certain my life would improve 91% if I had a British accent.
Why was the cheesemaker lopsided? Because he only had one Stilton!
A dog is similar to a banana... ... if you bite it, the mushroom overheats the toaster
What food do vampires hate? Steaks.
Police Officer: Why were you speeding? Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.
What did the flat iron say to the follicle? Now let me get this straight . . .
I tried Haggis for the first time today... It tasted offal!
How do you get over a fear of elevators? Just take some steps to avoid them!
What did the guy who got fired for always being late say? It was just a matter of time.
A Donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass!
A man is buying condoms and the cashier asks if he want them in a bag My wife isn't that ugly
Why will you never go hungry in a desert? Because of all the sand which is there.
Yesterday my date asked me ," how do u view lesbians" apparently in Full HD was not the right answer
The good news is that Trump only has been president for 30 days... the bad news is that the world is going to end.
Chuck Norris blood type is.. AK-47
I just saw Iron Lady. Marvel really dropped the ball on that one...
Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the one on the right could drive for a change.
Camouflage training "Soldier!" "Yes, sergeant!" "I haven't seen you at camouflage training today!" "Thank you, sergeant!"
What's the difference between Java and JavaScript? Java and JavaScript are similar in the same way car and carpet are.
I like musical instruments that you blow into. They're pretty... *Breathtaking*
"How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess? "How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Beverly Hills - 90210 Denver Broncos - 16
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I'd eat a wizard.
What do you call a muslim on a plane? A passenger ... You racist bastard.
So this guy walks into a bar... Ouch!
When a vegetarian turns into a zombie, what does it eat? Coma patients.
I spend more time on twitter than I do in church. I'd rather vent to imaginary friends on the Internet than to imaginary friends in the sky.
Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.
Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight
Do you know why you should never boil vegetables? Because the wheelchair might rust
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
I think that even the most strident libertarian would agree that the US founders never envisioned the unchecked powers of the Girl Scouts.
We need to protect this country! The U.S. needs to stop these Chinese terrorists from crossing the border and spreading Ebola!
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? [well ..](/s"The pizza doesn't scream when it's in the oven")
The Bartender replies, "Sorry, but we don't serve particles faster than light" A Neutrino walks into a bar
How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? When it comes out in conversation.
I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch
My friend used the term "bad ass" for diarrhea. "You're badass." "I'm... diarrhea?" "No I meant you are the shit, man." "WHAT???"
A gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.
What is skeleton? Interviewer:what is skeleton? Sardar:Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!
[emergency room] "We need to put pressure on the wound!" [to wound] We've been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together"
"You killed a dude I hate your attitude That's why you're going to jail, Without bail 25 to life Bubba is your new wife." -Poetic Justice
When a redneck divorces his wife She's still legally his sister.
I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said "If you can read this the b*tch fell off."
What did the guy with 6 children say to the guy with six felonies? I don't know; they were speaking Spanish.
Where do werewolves live? In werehouses.
A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"
According to science... Apaprnlety hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmnlig snetnecse.
And in the news today, Justin Bieber has yet to be shot in a drive by. . .
If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?
two conceited people having sex... ...girl says "tight, huh?" guy replys "nah, just full"
[as a kid] Can't wait to grow up and make my own decisions! [now] Why did I think this would be fun
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
People who make you feel special are keepers.  Anyone with such good taste has to be admired.
There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man... Unless you have an Oedipus complex and a time machine.
if money can't buy happiness explain pizza
"You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.
My neighbours probably think I'm getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
BBC News: Internet trolls face longer sentences. The news comes as Twitter have announced they will be increasing the number of characters from 140 to 200.
Why do feminists always complain about video games? Because they're too stupid to learn how to make them.
[calls home] son: hello me: hi, put mom on the phone son: I can't me: why son: she's too heavy
It's so weird and coincidental that everyone who likes me is cool and smart and everyone who doesn't is an egomaniacal asshole.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I learned a very important lesson at Mount Rushmore. The best presidents were stoned.
I like my humor like i like my coffee Dark, bitter but satisfying.
I could make way more Ayn Rand jokes here, but most of you would be too weak and altruistic to understand them. Let alone profit from them.
Which antivirus program does a pirate use? [Avast](http://www.avast.com/), ye mateys!
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence chicks dig when you visit them in jail
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn't paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? We don't know; she hasn't opened her presents yet.
Why is it better to be a hooker than a drug dealer? Because you can sell the same crack over and over again.
Friend: How's the wine? Me: It's exCHARDONNARY Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Why does a d dog scratch himself? He is the only one that knows where it itches.
What's crunchy on the outside and airy in the inside? A lightbulb.
I tried Alaskan food once. But I wasn't that Inuit.
My wife said, "If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?" I said, "Your husband."
My husband got a new router and the wifi has been off for 5 whole minutes guess I'll go churn butter or something.
Crack-head's favorite rap song... I wanna rock RIGHT NOW!!!!
There is only 2 things you need to know to succeed in life 1. Never help anyone succeed. 2.
NORMAL PEOPLE: "aww, they're such a cute couple" ME: "I wonder if they fu***d yet"
[x-post from askreddit] Aside from throwing stones, what should a person living in a glass house not do?
There's no 5 second rule at my house. The dog is much quicker than that.
There's been lots of "OH MY GOD!" screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn't pick now to be praying.
The neighbor's wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today. -I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard
alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I'm batman.
Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents job.
I like my exes suicides how I like my whiskey On the rocks.
20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love* 32 year old me: *tweets*
Date: So... Tinder, huh? Me: Yup. Date: ... Me: This is kind of awkward. Date: Maybe we should've used real pictures. Me: You think so, MOM?
This alcohol tastes like there's a sock getting lucky tonight.
Why did the polish spy fail in his mission to blow up Hitlers car. He kept burning his lips on the muffler.
What does a selfie stick and a tampon have in common? Both have a cunt at the end of them
On the train... A girl sneezes. you: "bless you." she: "sorry, i have a boyfriend." voice from a few seats behind you: "i'm a vegan."
How many things do you need to change a lightbulb? 3, a person, a ladder, and another lightbulb
I'm a party animal... because when I go to parties I end up pissing on the floor
How do you tell if a black mans been on your computer? It's not there.
Yesterday I saw a squirrel swimming... it was really cool. I have never seen that before.
What do you call a man with no legs? You call him by his fucking name what's wrong with you
game of thrones bt it's my family fighting over who will sit in grandma's chair while watching t.v. After she dies.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
How did the mathematician treat his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.
All the kids..... All the kids wrote poems, except for Johnny, he couldn't rhyme
What do you say to a dangerously cheesy chicken? Stay out of parms way.
What's the best Brokemon? Ayyyyyyy, brah.
Why do people like office parties AND this joke? The punch line.
What do you call a lesbian with one leg shorter than the other? Gaylene!
The English language lacks a word to mean "To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them".
woman vs Food would be a very boring show where she gazes wistfully at the dessert menu and sighs.
Why was the tumblrina mad at the gamer? He was pushing the right trigger.
A roman legionnaire walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."
My buddy tells me he doesn't take criticism too well. I told him he should really work on that.
How can I know hundreds of digits of pi But not know the digits of your phone number?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
r/jokes is like staring into my toilet while periodically looking away after taking a dump. I keep seeing the same shit over and over again.
New Password So I tried to make my new password 'beef stew.' But it wasn't stroganoff.
Who is the KKK's favorite children's character ? The White-Power Ranger I came up with this after reading a cracked article.
You know what they say about girls with big feet...? They gotta wear big shoes.
Why are ophans no good at baseball? They dont know where home is.
A joke my grandpa told me... Men start their life from between a woman's thighs, and they spend the rest of their life trying to get back... Talk about home sickness...
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
"What's that?" I call it a 'knife' "Wow, that's the best thing since bread!" Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.
A son asks his dad: "Do you remember your first blowjob?" - The father answers: "Yes, son!" The boy asks: "How did it taste?"
I accidentally planted some marijuana seeds on my farm It's all gone to pot
If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.
Just heard someone screaming outside and my instinct was to turn up the TV. Whatever the opposite of a superhero is, I'm that.
Q: If everyone in America started driving pink cadillacs, what would you have? A: A pink car nation.
I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.
Remember when we thought "Any kid can grow up to be President" was a good thing?
I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse." I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.
My cat just showed it's holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I can't remember where I read this, but I heard too much masturbating causes memory loss.
What is your favorite type of wood? Mine is morning.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows They are way over my head
What's the difference between a bad sharpshooter and a constipated owl? One shoots, but can't hit. The other hoots, but can't shit.
I already blamed 5 of my problems on Black Lives Matter, 7 on political correctness and 3 on the Ghostbusters reboot. Need more scapegoats.
Jokes That don't work written down There were 30 cows in a field, twenty ate sheep, how many didn't?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he'd like. After a stunned silence, I explained 'quiche' was not pronounced 'quickie'.
My friends are like "hey come camping with us this weekend" & I'm like "I can't, I have to get new friends"
When taking your dog to the vet it's very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
CW: I like your scarf. Me: Thanks, it's a CVS receipt. I didn't know what else to do with it.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet 1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
What do you call a spanish child molester? A pedrophile
Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon. Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon." BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."
*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work* "Big mac please" "Would u like LIES with that?!" *my boss dragging me away* "LIES, LUCY.. LIES!"
Just said "No you can't have an apple because you'll spoil the pizza that's being delivered very soon." I shouldn't be allowed to parent.
What type of cereal goes to the gym twice a day? Shredded wheat. I wish I could pin this joke on a 4-year-old, I'm so sorry
What do you call a criminal jazz player? Felonius Monk!
How can you tell when a skunk is angry? It raises a stink!
"I dropped the ball" - things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy
how much would it cost? "the guy who does our estimates isn't here right now" around what time will he be back? "did you not just hear me?"
I saw a sign that said check your speed. Lucky I did, it had almost fallen out of my pocket.
Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh what a shame! And you've been engaged for such a long time!
How do we know the Earth was born on April 22nd?
So how about the BBC sacking Jeremy Clarkson ? I think the whole thing is a huge miss-steak.
What's the difference between a sperm bank and an regular bank? When you start to make deposits at the sperm bank, you loose interest
"dad, why do people say they have green fingers when their fingers are not green"? "well son, its a saying. just like when you say someone was caught red handed, when their hand is actually black"
I'm torn on what i really think about masturbation. on one hand it feels good.
What do you call a ghost in a torn  sheet? A holy terror.
What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
Who is the greatest painter of this century?  Pigcasso!
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains? Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? A tire!
Went to kill a spider with a rolled up newspaper and all it did was sit there and laugh at me for still reading a newspaper.
CW: what did you do to your hair today? Me: It's really unclear whether you think it's good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from earth?
I don't have a penis April Fools
Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor's campsite with bacon powder.
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
Make a fire with someone and they'll be warm for a night. Make a fire with someone and they'll be warm for the rest of their life.
What is a pirates favorite letter? 4
What did Courtney Love say before she shot Kurt? "Hole is gonna be huge."
Did you know that when a woman wears a bikini, 90% of the body is exposed? But men are so classy that they only stare at the 10% that's covered
Got one for the guys (semi-nsfw) Here's a joke: "pussy!" ............... Don't get it? Well you never will!
The hazards of time travel: Magneto clubbed to death by primitive stone-age man.
I wanted to make a joke about black people but it's not gonna work
Him: You're pretty obnoxious. You know that? Me: I'm sorry. All I heard was pretty.
What are unicorns who want better working enviroments for their fellow employees? Unioncorns.
A Blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio. It says that 2 Brazilian men were killed. She starts crying and says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Why are you so fat? Because I eat a lot of pussy
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *choke*
I'd settle for separation of church and snakes.
Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.
Do girls like globes without equators? I'm worried because mine is uncircumscribed.
What do you call a questionable porcine? A Porque-pine
I went to a zoo the other day and all they had was a terrier. It was a shih tzu.
My LASIK doctor said that if I get 2000 upvotes on this post I'll get free treatment. Upvote for visibility.
I'm not saying my wife's voice is annoying, but right now I'm really jealous of deaf people.
Did you hear that Elon Musk announced plans for a restaurant on the moon? He said we can count on good food but no atmosphere.
A man walks into a bar He shits in it ...Sorry
She said, "I want twelve inches and I want it to hurt!" So I screwed her twice and hit her in the head with a brick
Viagra, it won't make you James Bond... But it will make you Roger Moore.
Welcome to Feng Shui Club, and I'm very happy to accept the position of the chair.
"Objection your honor, the defense is badg-" BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can't talk. *Judge gives a respectful nod* "Case dismissed."
What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
What did the teddy bear say after dinner? "I'm stuffed."
"Just dashing to the shops" Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes] Man [grabs car keys]
Remember where to put your commas kids... There's a big difference between helping your old uncle Jack, off his horse...
I would rather text someone for a hundred hours than have to spend one second talking to them on the phone.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.
Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
Why do golfers have the best chauffeurs? Because they're good at picking their drivers.
Wives are like boats. Happy the day you get one. Happier the day you get rid of it.
Jack and John A guy in a plane stood up and shouted "Hijack!" Everyone panicked. From the other end of the plane a man stood up and shouted back "Hi John!"
Sex with mentally disabled ppl (okay for work) What kind of disease did the guy get when he skipped the condom and plowed a girl with down's syndrome? . . . Slow clap
My therapist told me the reason I have a lower sex life than I want Is because I misinterpret what people are telling me. I'm pretty sure she wants my dick.
why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
pretty jealous of bears. they're like, "well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I'm gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater"
Today was so terrible, I thought Steven Seagal was in it.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
My girlfriend told me that she has bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.
Waiter waiter this lobster's only got one claw. It must have been in a fight sir. Then bring me the winner.
A little boy asked his father... "Daddy, what's a transvestite?" "Go ask your mother. He'll tell you."
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is busty crustacean
The nominees are Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio And the winner is *opens envelope* mad max fury road
What did the horse say to the group of kids. Haaaaay you guuuysss Hahahah hope youvliked it worked pretty darn hard.comon up woth thisnfunny joke, cya hahahahha lol
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Give a man a gun... and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Is your refrigerator running?... Cause it would probably be a better president #fridge2k16
My obsession with square roots has got me on cloud three.
Thought of this one at breakfast today Q: What's the worst kind of jam? A: A traffic jam!
Did you guys hear about the kidnapping in Jacksonvillle? He woke up.
Why did the chicken cross the road? bu-buk-buk- becaaause! (pretend i made chicken noises)
Dear USA: Having seen most of your potential candidates, please ditch elections and try the sword-in-the-stone method of choosing a leader.
When you want them, they don't want you. When they want you, you don't want them. When you both want each other, something fucks it up.
Best Blonde Joke Ever [Best Blonde Joke Ever](http://www.plainjanegames.com/funstuff/bestblondejoke.htm) Oldie but a goodie.
What do you call a midget, that escaped prison, that is also a psychic? A small medium at large.
Did you park the car in the garage? Wife arrives back home. Husband asks her: "Did you park the car in the garage?" She responds: "Partly"
Suicide Bombers...... What makes them tick?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de bre.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police  car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Teenager is on the verge of comiting suicide, calls the Suicide Line for help... Cops show up to help. They kill him so he doesn't commit suicide.
It was dark so I had to feel around for the hole with my finger, I didn't wanna just randomly jam it in anywhere I hate it when the keyless remote battery dies.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
"Tell me the story behind each of your tattoos." -No one, ever
*still doesn't understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs. If my wife finds out, she'll fucking kill me.
Whenever I lose my micrometer I use my dick.
Its hilariously ironic that the first gold medal won was by the U.S... For Shooting
Why didn't the baby oyster share her little pearl? She was a little shellfish.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it'll eat for weeks!
What do we want?! Low flying planes! When do we want them?! Neeeeeeooooowwwwwwwww
What is the difference between a computer and Paul Walker? I give a shit when my computer crashes.
What type of fish needs to be tuned? Tune a fish
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Why is it not safe to doze on trains?  Because they run over sleepers.
Sometimes i get scared robots are going to take over. Then i use a motion-controlled sink.
My bathtub is just like me. Shallow and not quite long enough.
Why do people smile in Africa? So they won't run into each other in the dark.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Q: Does a roller coaster like its work? A: It has its ups and downs.
75 years ago my grandfather died in a concentration camp he fell off a guard tower
Last year i was miserable and depressed, But this year I've turned it around, I'm depressed and miserable
A baby seal walks into a club..
Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]
What's the aim of a Jewish football match? Getting the quarterback.
"So did you get lucky last night?" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]
I was raised as an only child... My siblings took it pretty hard.
What was the last pizza order made to the World Trade Center? Two large plains
Have you guys heard of the joke about the electric chair? It's shocking.
Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT'S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.
Fun fact: if you say "I did the math," nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.
Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew  Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew Phew The Chosen Phew
There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and, Kim Jong Un's giant ass. cmon guys I cant do this all by myself.
Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks can't? Aardvarks don't have trunks!
What do an eagle and a mole have in common? They both live underground, **except for the eagle.**
What do witches use pencil sharpeners for? To keep their hats pointed.
Gonna do a few laps around the office talking into a pop tart like a cell phone just to remind my co-workers that safety is an illusion.
They won't give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don't make phones that survive being thrown against walls? It's nonsense...
Why are some flowers gangsta ? Cause they carry pistils.
how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how's that feel, Stlerbecks?
I watched a horror porn set in a campground... It was fucking in tents.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash, who survives? No one, the was a major gas leak, and someone lit a match, and the plane exploded, killing everyone inside.
It's not difficult to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile One will see you later, the other in a while.
You'd think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Did you hear about the cannibal that went to the rock concert? He heard there was a Jimmy Buffet.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
What do Pavlov's dogs call storefront bell-ringers? The Salivation Army.
Burger King of Kings. Have it Yahweh.
A scuba diver brings a wetsuit to a dry cleaner...
My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
If the Dukes of Hazard were black... the show would be named COPS.
What's the difference between the Holocaust and a goat? You can't milk a goat for over 50 years
Whats a frogs favourite game ? It's croak-et !
My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king.
Why is there no windows 9? Obviously 789 I would be surprised if you said something else.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job? A: The closer you get to discharge the better you feel.
<- sleeps well with others
[first date] HER: I'm really into guys with ambitions ME: *trying to impress her* that's perfect, I have two frogs
The Internet at my school went out today Looks like Kim Kardashian finally achieved her goal
Two atoms are walking down the street... And the first one says "shit man, i dropped an electron!" "Are you sure?" Says the second one. "Yeah, im positive!"
I've been dating this lady who is gluten free... Problem is, we go to a deli, she asks, "do you want to split a sandwich." I say, "sure" and then I'm just left with the bread.
There are two types of people on the planet... Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context
Caller: Is Mr. Rock available? Me: Yeah, hold on. *hands phone to 5yo* Me: It's grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today.
I never know what to do in these situations. Do I shake the boyfriend's hand or kiss her cheek to show how much I appreciate her ass?
Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My boyfriend isn't allowed to have candles on his birthday cake...Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.
What did one penny say to the other penny? Come with me and we will make cents.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? It heard the ref was blowing fowls.
Air &amp; Sex - Joke Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
MEME : Sad Robb Stark http://9gag.com/gag/arp6PQ6?ref=noti
What is long and hard that a Australian bride gets in her wedding night? Dick
I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
People who come up with these recommended serving sizes might just be the most deluded human beings on the planet.
We're having a lawnmower sale down at Lowes Buy one get Juan free!
Why did Eve want to move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What to gay men call hemorrhoids?? Speed bumps
What do you call a spontaneous man named Lee? spontaneously
Loomis: Does your dog have a license? Fenton: Hell no! I do all the drivin'.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Last week I gave a lecture on sexual dysfunction Nobody came.
How many bears would Bear Gryll grill if Bear Gryll could grill bears? I dunno, but PETA would be **pissed**.
What did the egg say to the hot water? Give me a minute to get hard, i just got laid by some chick.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football? 4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Farmer What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?"
What do you call a shish-kebab at a fancy restaurant? A Shish-ke-Robert
How many dwarfs does take to change a light bulb? It can vary, but It's quite hilarious to watch.
A husband says to his wife "I bet you can't tell me something that will make men both happy and sad." She says, "You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends."
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia. Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
Water leak. No water for 2 days. Then the plumber cut the cable line. No internet. No TV. 2 stinky teenagers. Send wine and bail money.
What do you call scriptures for blind people? The holy braille
Another bunny
May I talk to you about Jesus Christ? - how I get out of any situation
I played Dodgeball... I got Bullied.... I ate Gluten... I didn't get Participation Trophies... I turned out fine... So will your kid...
"&lt;------------ people who don't want Ellen Pao to go." --someone who's never getting to the front page
I don't think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now.....
Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency?
What did the proctologist say when his nurse handed him a beer? "I meant a butt light."
Dentist: You don't have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep! *I start flossing his teeth* D: Um... Me: These are mine now
What's the best campsite in the world? Auschwitz, received well over three million starts
Igloo Building by S Keemo
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th". Oops, wrong bread.
Which dog tastes better when eaten? A hot dog.
I AM A CAPITALIST YES I AM
What do you get if you cross a river with a bridge? to the other side.
how do lawyers argue without crying
Three Mexicans walk into a bar.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Beef
If you are making love to music, use live album cos you get a round of applause every 3 minutes.
McDonald's new Obama Value Meal is for freaks!!!
The thing with people who are bad at counting calories.. ..is that they have the figures to prove it
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls.
"Well well well if it isn't the guy I'm stalking." "Get out of my hamper."
Why were deer testicles the most popular product at the meat fair? Because they were under a buck.
Why did the stoplight turn red? You would too, if you had to change in front of all those people.
Ritalin and Adderall Market Research says they both tested well among focus groups.
Obamacare? More like "Obama? I don't care for that guy!!!" Honk if you want poor people to die
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team? Because she ran away from the ball!
Why couldn't Christopher Reeve pay his landlord? Back rent.
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray. Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Where did I take my pet Cow on Valentines Day? To the Moooovies
Q: How many PA' does it take to screw in  a light bulb? A: What's a light bulb?
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
jokes don't kill people, people who don't get jokes kill people.
What's ISIS' favorite kind of discount? Blowouts
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars? Clark Kent : Yes, I can't find my glasses. Lois : Put them down for a second. Clark : Lois : Clark : No
NSFW Every time I see a picture of a girl and think "I'd do her" I have to remind myself... I'll never get the grade school yearbooks done like that.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
Q: What kind of floor do dinosaurs' bathrooms have? A: Rep-tiles.
Who is the least guilty U.S. President? Lincoln. He's in a cent!
What's the funniest thing you have heard about US Politics? Donald Trump, President of the United States of America
How do you get a Twinkie pregnant? Put it in box of Ding Dongs. What is it afterwards? A HoHo
Why is it tough to compete against a vampire?  Because they're always out for blood!
What does an illustrator say to his girlfriend on Valentine ? I'm font of you.
What do you get from a cowmedian? Cream of Wit!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Doesn't matter how many there are, they can't change anything.
Why was Joan of Arc never good in debates? Because she could not take the heat.
Here's an olive branch. Please choke on it.
Whats the difference between your mom and a mosquito? (not for sensitive peeps) A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun. *crashes vehicle* "OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!" *dies smiling*
How small you are in the universe In class there is a sub in class and is talking about how small I am in the universe and I reply "teacher I'm small in the universe but I know were I'm big"
"Good morning, class. Today we are going to learn about diseases. Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word cancer'?" "I can, Sir!"
Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi? Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.
All these jokes about pointless pencils... are dull.
Imagine William Shakespeare in a swimming pool, perplexed and terrified as children just splash the shit out of him
As a child I had difficulty putting things down It's a habit I can't seem to let go.
I hired Lena Dunham and paid her candy To babysit my 1 y/o niece and clean her vagina. She was thorough.
Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps They're losing their cool!
How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down.
I bet when slutty girls get cremated instead of ashes the family just gets an urn full of glitter.
YO MAMA SO FAT! Yo mama so fat, that when she went skydiving over Iraq, isis thought America dropped a nuke.
What do North Korea and my girlfriend have in common? Neither want me coming inside them.
The shortest tribe in the world The Fuckawee tribe....In the long grass you can hear their chant...Where the Fuckawee!
Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.
If embryos are people, ultrasounds are child pornography
Stop the presses! My paninis can wait.
What do you get when you cross hot chicks coming and going, a camera, a guy known for his explosion scenes, and a douche? Possible Transformers sequel.
I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper. Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
How many redditors does it take to get a joke? Three. One to get the punchline, and one to point out the math is wrong.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I'm just robbing her and not the bank?
Him: I think I'm getting sick. Me: Do you want some euthanasia? Him: I'm pretty sure it's called echinacea. Me: Tomato, tomahto.
What do you get if you mix up together an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? A guy who is up all night wondering if there is a dog.
How do Catholic church priests stay healthy? They exorcise.
A woman is at her father's deathbed She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. "Dad, I'm sorry," she whispers. "Goodbye, Sorry," he says, "I'm *dead*."
I owe so much to X-men, the movie that taught me it was ok to be a terrifying mutant
"and this blood shall be called A+" all the other blood types: "k wow we're like right here"
Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn't know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou
Why was Stalin a Bad leader? Because he was staling a country that was rushing..(Russia) This joke was bad. Im going to bed now.
*Writes a song for you* *Sings it under your bedroom window* *You call the cops* *Your husband falls in love with me*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
People have put Kim and Kanye's names together to get, Kimye'....I think a more accurate name would be.....Slunt.
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!! http://imgur.com/2TKdb
What does a BYU coed do when she notices people are drinking at a party? She puts her top back on and leaves.
Did you hear about the guy who decided to put the S next to the D? He was in the newd today.
With all this media coverage about the clowns... I'll be so glad when the election is over.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I'm breaking into your house & responding to myself.
What's the difference between Hitler and a marathon runner? The marathon runner can successfully finish a race
OPRAH AND AIRPORT SECURITY Q: Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.
What do you call an epileptic in a deck chair? A transformer.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
Bert and Ernie are at the beach on a hot summer's afternoon... Bert pulls out his cooler and opens it up. "Do you want some ice cream, Ernie?" "Sure Bert."
If you're home alone and hear a fart do you laugh or get scared
Now responding to all "hello" DMs with "Adele?"
"The ankle so important to a basketball player." Something the announcer just said.
I told my wife I'd like to go travelling. She sent me to the supermarket for eggs.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roman Catholic. (Sorry if this is a repost)
wow american really nailed the demographic of the 6am business traveler with the in flight movie selection of madagascar 3
Today I decided to burn a lot of calories... So I lit a fat kid on fire!!!
What is the hardest part about puberty? (NSFW) My penis.
What was your grandfather's favorite joke?
There's 2 types if redditors Those who repost jokes And those who complain about the first type
Where do swashbuckling turds come from? A pirates booty
I snort a lot of cocaine for a sober person.
New research shows that birthdays are good for your health Studies suggest that people with the most birthdays live the longest
Why did the boy throw a clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like "I'm back yall"
Guys, ladies love romance. Tell her something sweet like: You make me harder than the final level of Super Mario Bros.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can't even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Q: What is the best time to eat reindeer meat? A: When you're hungry.
Since I started dating my girlfriend half a year ago I became a millionaire 6 months ago I was a billionaire.
What do you call a midget fortune-teller who's on the run from the law? **A small medium at large.** ^(Hope this doesn't get posted often)
Never judge a book by it's cover.....
What do you get if you cross a  sheep with a holiday resort ? The Baaahaaamaaas !
I'm a virgin by choice. Just not my choice.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight? Me nervously: no Reporter: he said he's going to 'rip your heart out' Me crying: but I need it
"It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos
What's the most played song at Amish parties? Churn Down For What
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One leans over to the other and asks "you smell carrots?"
This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop. I can raise my cat any way I want.
Why are leggings and sand the same? They both get stuck in camel toe.
The first woman on the Moon contacted Houston. "Houston, we have a problem." *"What is it?"* "Never mind." *"What's the problem?"* "It's nothing." *"Please tell us."* "I'm fine."
I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, "Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth." He said, "Well you were mythtaken."
I made $350.05 sucking dick last night. Me: I made $350.05 sucking dick last night. Friend: Wow! Who gave you the nickel? Me: All of them...
Mom, have you seen my turtle? Your friends took it outside to play. They're cracking walnuts.
What do all 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys receive before leaving the factory? Two test tickles.
What's the difference between a crow and a raven? All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.
Why do programmers drink coffee so much? So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.
Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions! - Me, when I've gone two days without sleep
Friendly like talking
My friend is dressing as an owl for Halloween he's a hoot to be around
I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head.
Van Gogh's girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear Him: cuts ear off Her: I just wanted u to listen to me Him: nah, I'm good
I wanna stand next to a bum with my own sign that says "my hair has no volume today & I can't find the microfiber cloth for my $160 Oakleys"
what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend... wiped his arse
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date] "I didn't know birds could climb trees"
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff.
[homocide scene] DETECTIVE:"my god, in my 25 years on the force i've never seen a dead ghost." COP:"sir?, we covered the body with a sheet."
The interesting thing about the Royal wedding is ... ..... exactly ....
I thought about logging into Myspace, but the Delorean is in the shop.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool *badum pssssh*
A Lesbian got fired from a Sperm bank She got caught drinking on the job
What should I give your sister for unzipping? ...... Him : Um, ten bucks? Me : Like for WinZip. PS: Taken from bash.org
kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are
How did the bad Canadian fisherman describe his only catch of the day? "Aboot this big"
Was late to my first Fight Club last night So missed the intro rules. Still Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
Why do people say "get well soon"? Why don't you want me to get well now?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
if Donald trump and Hillary Clinton are on a sinking boat who survives? America
The Ancient Mayans have predicted the world will end on December 21, 2012. They also worshipped a Corn God named Ah Mun.
What do you call a really, really quiet piece of meat? A shh-kebab. --- I love you too, fellas.
My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead :(
I couldn't tell if something on the ground was a ball of animal poop or a rock Nudged it with my foot. It was a rock. That was my risky kick for the day.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Somebody said you sound like an owl
What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft? 200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump 2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa (Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I don't often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I'll take "Much ado" for $1000, Alex. Answer: "John Wayne...Jeff Bridges... Donald Trump." "Who are The Duke, The Dude, and The Douche."
How does Lord Voldemort like his pussy? (whisper) HHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY
Skateboarding has its pros and cons.
Did you hear who Deez Nuts is picking as a running mate? Shaft.
Me: *in bed with dogs* *car drives down street* Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
What do vampires call menstrual cups? Shot glasses.
What should you call a polite friendly kind good looking monster? A failure.
What did the frozen scientist say? "It's fine, I'm 0K"
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry made it out of the chamber.
Why dick has a sad life? Bcoz, his hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy and his owner beats him.
What do you call someone who is good at fishing? A Master Baiter.
Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The miserly squirrel never found a mate, because he insisted on a prenutshell agreement.
What does a nosey pepper do? Get's jalapeno business!
Walruses? Walri? Walrus? Anyway...They've escaped.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
What do you call a dog that harasses kids? A pit bully!
"Honey" said Mrs. Beldon to her husband "Lester's teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia."  "Encyclopedia my eye!" exclaimed Beldon.  "Let him walk to school like I did."
[PRESS CONFERENCE] Me: I'm going on the record. Yes, I'd go back in time to kill a baby Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler? Me: sure, whoever
What do you call a friar in prison? A felonious monk
i feel wrong i think im having a dyslexic stroke. i cant smell anything on the left side of my body and i feel toast.
Blood is thicker than water, so I'm going to have to use Comet on this bathtub
Whats the difference between being hungry and horny? Depends where you put the cucumber
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
What do black people get on their math test? (Warning offensive!) Chicken grease.
Miley Cyrus Im trying to think of a miley cyrus joke, but its just not twerking.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I discovered that Germans invented cunnilingus... Apparantly they've been yodeling in the black forest for centuries.
Funny feminist joke women are equal to men
A woman is calling her cell provider... Woman: I don't get my text messages Tech support: Have you tried reading them again?
Do you know why there's no casinos in Africa? Because there's too many CHEETAHS!
Why are archaeologists the most polite kind of necrophiliac? They'll date you before they fuck you.
Two gentlemen walk into a bar.... You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
A cannibal is just a foodie who likes other foodies.
I was gonna tell a gay joke... butt fuck it.
If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Cuntswaylow Bonus: what do you call an Asian woman with no legs? Dragon lips
I finally found an onramp for the road to success!!!! It was closed for construction.
Never trust a man that says, "Trust me." and never trust a woman that says "It's fine."
There are 5 things I really hate: 1) Racists. 2) People who can't spell. 3) Math 4) Whyte people
I hope the rain keeps up so it won't come down.
Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.
I really love the way the earth rotates... It makes my day.
A vampire walks into a bar... and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks "I thought you guys only drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
[liquor store] Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring. Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection* Him: Oh, it's you.
I just donated some money to the maintainers of a Linux distribution derived from Red Hat \*tips fedora\*
What do you get if you cross a skunk  and a wasp? Something that stinks and stings!
How do you make a dwarf taller? Ge-gnome therapy
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. 'Don't get married' wasn't on there. Or 'murder.' Stupid list.
how does Justin Bieber remove a condom? He farts.
Warning: a punny joke What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Stevie Wonder Have you seen Stevie Wonders wife &amp; kids lately? - No? Neither has he
What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Grains...
The Foo Fighters wrote my favorite song about throwing up lunch There goes my hero!
This week in Science: MRI technology and thought processing... are a hell of a lot cooler than last week
Whats the useless skin around the vagina called? The woman... Im sorry
Why can't you trick an aborted baby? (NSFL/NSFW) Because it wasn't born yesterday.
What happens when breed a shark and snowman? You get a frostbite!
What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
Which tax haven is a daddy? The Cayman Islands
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.
I never chase a man. I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Did you hear about that new Jewish car? It stops on a dime, then picks it up!
My dad was born with a conjoined twin He was the uncle on my dad's side. But don't worry, the doctors were able to separate them. Now he's my uncle once removed.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that can breathe underwater? Gil.
How does a chicken do their hair? With a comb, In one fowl swoop.
If I ever opened a store that sold goats, I would call it Burlington Goat Factory
What do you call a terrible Nature Valley bar? Crummy
How do you install "blackout curtains"? They just get hammered.
Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar. I hate Bounty Hunters.
What Pablo Escobar And Other Narcos Fear Most? LEGALIZATION
Usain Bolt its so fast when he misses the bus He just waits at the next stop
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Think you know guilt? *takes long drag on cigarette* I'm the wildebeest who killed Mufasa. *exhales* I hear Simba's screams every night.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father Luke: really? Darth Vader: yeah. Why? Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."? "Ve haff vays of meking you tock."
My keys always end up in the pocket opposite of my free hand.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? It wasn't. Numbers aren't capable of having any sort of feelings, and you are weird for thinking they do.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
I like my coffee black Like Jesus
Austria's Conchita Wurst wins Eurovision amid Russia, Ukraine tensions Click on the link to watch the video in youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfZlqNfZr40
Exercise can add years to your life. This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.
Where do you find Klingons? On Uranus.
Iguana... tap it, but I have a reptile dysfunction.
There has been a rise in sheeple recently. Someone better tell the sheep shaggers to wear some protection.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye. Customer: Really? I don't like it. Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Twitter birth control: airfare
Twitter comedian: I'm the greatest tweeter alive! Kanye: Even I don't want that title.
I'm not saying she's easy, but if she advertised on TV, they'd call it a nymphomercial.
By iPhone 30, you'll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
Coffee shop barista thinks I look homeless because I'm fashionable. Joke's on her. I look homeless because I'm lazy.
Did you hear about the Roman who had his wife for dinner? He was gladiator...
Knock, knock Knock Knock knock Knock knock knock Knock knock knock knock knock .... Knock knock knock knock knock Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock Who's there? Knock in his prime.
It's no wonder Q: Why did Stevie Wonder step in the turd? A: Because he can't see shit.
The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.
Why do Scots fuck sheep at the edge of a cliff? Because they push back harder.
We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.
Why US didn't attack India, after twin-tower incident, looking for terrorists ? Because it didn't happen in 7/11
I went to donate a kidney once.. I went in to donate a kidney once but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from -Jimmy Carr
What's an Irish seven course meal? A six pack and a potato
A proctologist quit his job.. He was tired of being the butt of the joke.
Talk shit about Billy Joel to me & you'll get BLOCK-OCK-OCK-OCK-OCK-OCK-OCK-OCKED. You oughta know by now.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants In case he gets a hole in one
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I'd probably have done better if they'd specified that they didn't mean by tickling.
Girl, are you an HM move? 'Cause I can't seem to forget about you!
Whiskey diet I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already
Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I'm from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.
Why shouldn't you post to Reddit while driving? becau
Vanilla Ice arrested for grand theft. Cops say, "He jumped in the car, slammed on the gas bumper to bumper, the avenue's packed."
Why was the sapling such a horrible entrepreneur? Because he couldn't branch out.
WHITE PEOPLE COLONIZED AND ENSLAVED THE WORLD IN SEARCH OF SPICES AND DIDN'T USE A DAMN ONE
If I got $1 every time someone called me a racist... Black people would rob me
What did the German clock maker say to the broken clock? Ve haff vays of making you tock!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
What programming language was used to create piratebay? R.
I have a short cubing joke I made up. CFOP will bring the cubers solvation! Explanation: CFOP is a method of solving the Rubik's cube, hence SOLVation.
What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both get to smell it, but they can't eat it.
Why are Buddhists so good at King cake Because they are great and finding their inner piece
I like my horses like I like this kind of joke. Beaten to fucking death. Jesus, come up with something better please.
Me: Hi. Girl: No.
If you make something that goes viral... You are a social media influenza.
Rip off What do you call a cheap circumcision? Look at title
Did you know yesterday was National Middle Child Day? Don't worry, no one else remembered either.
I went to a dance. First they played 'Jump', so I jumped. Then they played 'The Twist', so I twisted. Then they played 'Come On Eileen', so I got kicked out.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut its nose off.
How are spinach and anal sex alike? Chances are if you didn't like it as a child, you're not going to like it as an adult.
I'am looking for a bank loan which can perform two things Give me a Loan and then leave me Alone
Hey people waiting in line to get into a club. . . you should probably do us all a favor and stay in there until after the election
Why did the Naval Inspector fail the submarine? Because he found it to be SUB-standard.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, "Is this Disney World?!" The answer is yes and I'll cut anyone who tells her differently.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Did you hear about the kid who was born without eyelids? They used his foreskin to make eyelids. The poor little kid is gonna be *cock*eyed the rest of his life.
What did the table fan say to his boss when he couldn't get to work on time? Ah-so-late!
What was the name of the Indian dating site? Connect the dots
So they are re-releasing the movie crash... And they have recast the part of Sandra Bullock with an A320
What's the best response when someone wastes your time? Answers below please.
Why was the ground all white after Custer's last stand? Because the Indians just kept coming, and coming...
Lamar Odom suffered a dozen strokes... Tiger Woods is jealous of his low stroke count.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
How many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know either, I walked out early too.
[about to message girl he likes] Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid. Brain: OR
I like my women like I like my olive oil Extra virgin and black
So now that corporations are people... McDonalds just became the first corporation diagnosed with a disease... Aspbergers
I asked my girlfriend why she always laughs after sex She says, it's an inside joke.
Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for a day......teach a man to jacket he'll never leave the house
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
When I got my first pube, I left it under the pillow for the Pube Fairy. He came. All over my pillow.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. :(
What do Little Miss Muffet and ISIS have in common? They both have Kurds in their way.
My friend makes urinal cakes for a living... ...it takes him 35 minutes to bake each batch.
What does a cannibalistic homosexual sailor eat? Semen.
Why doesn't Ronald Reagan drink orange juice? Because he's dead.
Time travel I solved a complicated algorithm which could send us back in time, watch... I solved a complicated algorithm which could send us back in time...
What's the best way to prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner? Just be *honest* with it man...
My mom's late for everything, and it irritates the hell out of me. For example, last week she drove me to an abortion clinic.
This one time in High School I ate an entire roll of quarters Shit was so cash
An atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a bar.. I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
Me: What's for dinner? Her: Chinese. Me: I will make the Duck Sauce. *catches duck *fires up juicer
I downloaded "ambient coffee shop" track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling "Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?"
From my 8 year old: What's brown and rhymes with poop? Snoop Dogg
The greatest trick the devil ever played was making you feel productive when you're really just fucking around.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
America, a land ... where many people think the moon landings were fake but professional wresting is real.
Son: "Jim Morrison sucks" Dad: "Hey, what did I tell you about slamming The Doors?"
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil.
Why was Kermit chased by nazis as a kid? He was a Tad-Pole
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Want to hear a clean joke? A boy takes a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the name of the girl next door. (Told by my pastor)
Why was the feminist picnic cancelled? Because nobody made sandwiches.
Why did Helen Keller masterbate with one hand? So she could moan with the other XD
My sex life is like the punch line of this joke
YouTube: "Sorry, this video is not available in your country."Me: "Fucking racist!!!!"
I'd like to teach you how to win any argument. Unfortunately my wife won't teach me her technique.
A Blanket? It would be a fukkit.
What do you get when you subtract the date and time that Tony Stark built an AI from the current date and time? The Age Of Ultron.
Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor.
I went to one of those colleges where you can make up your own degree... I ended up with a major in paedophilia and a minor in the back of my van.
Remember: It's not stalking if you don't see me.
What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer? One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!". The other says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!".
Why there isnt Windows 9? Because 9 looks like dead fat man (Bill Gates).
I asked my brother why he was taking a dictionary and thesaurus to his theater rehearsal. He said it was a play on words.
[nsfw] the ultimate trifecta of dirty joke so, i was going down on my grandma, and i started to taste donkey semen, i looked up at my dear sweet grandma and said, " jeez, grandma thats how you died?"
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Their kids haven't .
Why do cows like being told jokes ? Because they like being amoosed !
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
What did Hitler say when the Allies landed on Normandy? Dang, I did Nazi that coming.
Walking inside a Nike store would be the worst place to contemplate suicide. Just do it.
How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw a light bulb I don't know but to screw a country it only takes one
What do you call a Bull that masturbates? Beef Stroganoff
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
Liars make their bed and.... lie there too.
Why can't a blonde count to 70? Because 69 is always a mouthful.
"Mommy, why does an old person's skin look so see-through?" Aw, honey, it's just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Why do Jewish women love circumcisions? They'll get their hands on anything that's 10% off.
My teeth are so white, they adopted 14 kids.
My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for Christmas I don't think they understood when I said 'I wanna watch'
Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.
Where's the best place in Toronto to check out girls? *Broadview*
If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see? Coffin
Calculus and alcohol don't mix... Never drink and derive.
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
I went to take an online ADHD test today... but gave up quickly because it was stupid and boring.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito? Me: In Alabama? S: Yeah. M: Of course not. Why do you ask? S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
How many Redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One + all... One to screw in the lightbulb, the rest just bitch that it is a repost.
Who is a man's best friend? The sock, he's always there in hard times.
I could solve the energy crisis if there was a way to harness the power of how precisely wrong the airport security line I always pick is.
I escaped Iraq. Wanna know how? Iran.
Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden.
Why was the little strawberry sad? Her mommy was in a jam.
Ever since my toaster has been broken I have been feeling unwell. I guess I must be lack toast intolerant.
A man was rushed to the ER with six toy horses up his ass The doctors described his condition as stable.
hokey pokey The hokey pokey crashed my computer. Stack overflow (You might have to be a programmer to appreciate this)
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
What did the tampon say to the other? Nothing; they were both stuck up cunts!
What do the Japanese do when they have erections? They vote.
I was at a bar when I finally got the liquid courage to talk to this guy... And that was the night I broke up with him.
Mom: (weeping) Son...your Grandpa...he...he... He, overdosed on viagra... (sobs) Dad: i'm sure this i HARD for you... (Not my joke heard this and died laughing, had to share)
Why can't you trick an unemployed jester? Because he's nobody's fool!
What's a Mexican midget barbers favorite restaurant? Little Cesar's
How do moms in west Virginia know their daughter started her period? Her son's dick tasted like blood.
What do you call a pig that has never been tested for an infection? Uncultured swine.
I was watching "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" on Zimbabwean TV.
You can't declare Massachusetts a state of emergency Because they're actually a commonwealth.
How are electric outlets punished? They're grounded.
So I walked in to a brothel.. And shortly after entering I began assaulting everyone in the queue...then...umm...shit nevermind, I just punched up the fuckline.
I'm so sick of this debate. Of COURSE, the chicken came first! Are you saying I don't know how to properly fuck a chicken?
I hate when my boyfriend's snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to die alone.
I was pretty upset when I heard clocks get set ahead an hour... Oh well. Not worth losing sleep over it.
What's the worst part of being a paedophile? It's hard to fit in.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called "Parking Violation".
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a *great* year.
What happened to the fireman who let the house burn? He got fired.
What is a soccer player's favorite drink? Sham-pain.
Normal kids: "What's for dinner, mom?" Cannibal kids: "What's for dinner? Mom?"
Someday, I hope to befriend a friendly panhandler & learn the secrets of handling pans firsthand.
All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was a waste. They should've just asked their moms. Moms can find anything.
How many idiots does it take to change a light bulb? Five - one to hold the bulb, and four to turn his ladder
What's the best time to go to the dentist? At toothhurty.
What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital? When you ask the patients "what's the problem?" They'll say "nothing"
What does a horny toad say? Rubbit
What do you say when Kanye West does something that annoys you? Kanye not.
I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn't appreciate my humor. That's the last time I'll do a eulogy.
Being a courteous dinner guest, I always offer to do the dishes. I'm not the one who's going to eat off them next. Quick rinse works for me.
They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?
Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move. Convincing her she's a robot is called bladerunning... It's a Phillip K. Dick move.
I want a hair cut please. Certainly which one !
ME: any advice DAD: its ok to embellish a little [later at job interview] INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself M: i wrote harry potter
Newton's third law of Emotion. For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
The authorities just apprehended a notorious cereal killer. When they asked him why he did it, he said... ... he did it for the Kix.
Houston, we have a problem Whitney Houston Jokes Whitney Houston to star in her new film. The Bodybag. One more.., If she wasn't before, Whitney Houston is definitely 100% soul now.
What do you call an Indian bloke in a submarine? Mandeep.
Why did the thief take a bath? To get a clean getaway
What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients? Asif Eyecare
Why don't deaf guys eat pusseh? They never heard of it.
Why does WalMart have so many handicapped parking spots? Because they want to have some available to customers too!
Waldo is probably horrible at responding to texts.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam!
How did a Chinese spy disguise himself as an Arab in America? He became a Muslim.
My life sucks I've got a less-than-minimum-wage job, my best friend has no brain, my neighbor is an asshole, my boss is a stingy bitch, and the worst part... #I live in a pineapple under the sea.
How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same? They just can't help themselves.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn't won an arguement for 15 years.
Few people talk about Hitler's other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.
Yoda is bad at telling jokes Why afraid of seven was six? Eighth nine seven because!
HER: You've run over my dog ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
If God is all seeing Does that mean he can see John Cena?
I like my girls like I like my coffee... Fresh, not matured, and sold from a shady part of South America.
I'm not ready for a child, I should have never banged that stork.
English If you ever have trouble remembering the difference between "lead" and "lead", just remember that "lead" sounds like "read" and "lead" sounds like "read".
[enter password] mypulloutgame [password weak] All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying
Fractions are like sex... It's improper when the bigger one's on top.
Hey, maybe one time we could make a sitcom where the husband is out of the wife's league and the wife says stupid shit all the time.
A Dirty Limerick There once was a woman from Cue, Who filled her vagina with glue, She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it, too."
If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.
Error 404 It's been a while since I've seen a good 404 joke. I was going to upload one but I couldn't find any.
I love Taco Bell so much that I even enjoy being *asked* what style of tacos I want... I get hard every time.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It was dreadful
Even the name "OK Cupid" sounds like you're telling love to, like, settle down.
Why would two melons in love hate their parents? Because they cantaloupe. =D.....=).....=|......='(
Why is it so easy to fool a vampire? Because they're a bunch of suckers.
If someone says they're going to quit their job to become a stand-up comedian, ... Are you supposed to laugh?
What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school? Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down, and you've let the whole school down!
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my wife is the only student. She's getting a D
My uncle always said I was too soft. But I just didn't fancy him.
I haven't been doing so well at the poop assembly line... My manager said if I don't pull my shit together soon I'll be fired.
I want to go back in time... And change the way the letter 'eight' is pronounced to sodomized. Then in the future ask people why was nine afraid of seven?
Five out of six people are okay with Russian Roulette... ... The sixth one loves it to death.
What's a mouse's least favorite shape? A trapezoid.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i'm doing god's work
How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? *fish*
I used to go out with a girl who had a wooden leg. Everything went smoothly, then I broke it off.
Why is Simba slower that his dad? Because his papa mufasa.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
And then whiskey said "tweet that, it's hilarious". But whiskey was wrong. So very wrong.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to gay man's house. Knock knock, who's there? The chicken.
I finally learned what La Quinta means in English Behind Denny's
Only Christians will get this... Eternal life.
What does the Personal Computer and German people have in common? They're both the master race!
What does person with Alzheimer's call What Are You Wearing Today? What Am I Wearing Today
Q: What does a cat say when he likes something? A: It's purrrfect.
What does a man with a big d*ck eat for breakfast? Yeah, I didn't think you'd know...
A duck waddles into a lake... The geese say 'Hi Dave!' The boss faints.
How do you get a hotdog to dance? You put Mustard on the beat
Porsche designer... the most overpaid job in the world
Technology.( Based on true events) My apple watch reminded me to take a minute to breathe right after my grandfather let one rip.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd? Mick Jagger yells "Hey! You! Get off my cloud!" The shepherd yells "Hey! McLeod! Get off my ewe!"
Exactly 4 years ago, I asked my college crush out. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I like my women like a like my coffee... With absolutely no pubic hair.
On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted... ...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).
I heard about a robot that beat a man. He was charged with battery.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
St. Patricks Day Whenever people pinch me on Saint Patricks Day, I punch them. Because whatever you do with "I" I do with "U"
Why do black people have long legs? Because they're negros
Once I was Walking And I kept Walking :p That's all how are doing today ? What' time is it at your house ? Are you married ?
Russian Nursery Rhyme The incy wincy conrade Was tugging at his chain About rights of workers He complain The secret police Am get order to restrain And the incy wincy comrade was never seen again
I used to think i was indecisive... but now I'm not so sure
What do you call a homosexual in Iran after he's been outed? Low hanging fruit.
If you 2 apples and your uncle gives you one, what do you have? A sore ass.
Just because I quit smoking doesn't mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
What kind of pants does the Pink Panther wear? Denim Denim Denim Denim Denim Denim Deniiiiim
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there's not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word "literally"
How could the Statitician stand in a fire and be okay? He had a block of ice on his head.
How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb? I thought 12, but the basements still dark.
What does the Chinese government call an American with a PhD in physics, math and chemistry? STUPID AMERICAN!
"Nothing is certain, except death and taxis." Don't you mean "ta-- *gets run over by a cab*
I think i'm spending too much time around my gf's family. I mean, her husband's going to notice sooner or later.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery. Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Adel and Lionel Richie... Adel and Lionel Ritchie met at the Grammys last weekend. All they said was "Hello"
Did you hear about the prostitute with an MBA? She was a business anal-ist.
Babies are fucking idiots and we totally act like that's okay.
A man goes to a Greek tailor... The tailor says, "Euripides?" The man says, "Eumenides." Credit goes to my University professor who specializes in Greek literature.
Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
what did the captain say when the navigator complained they were off course? don't give me that latitude
Dwarf porn is a little fucked.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? Because they kept saying "BACH BACH BACH"
I've never been to Japan, but I've seen a bunch of emojis so I think I get the idea.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnaping?
What do you call unleavened cheese? Matzahrella
Why is the Ferguson Police Department a fan of Pokemon? Because you gotta catch Jamal
What do you call a black pilot? A pilot, you racist fuck.
France vs Germany was a close game... it ended in a shootout.
I like my women like I like my whiskey: Twelve years old and mixed with coke.
Why do priests cry during sex? There's no telling.
Fuck the man And make him a sandwich.
How does Donald Trump adopt pets? He just grabs the first pussy he sees.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
Knock Knock Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin'. they hatin'.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
Just got a holiday card from a doctor addressed to the dead guy who used to live here. Sending back a card that says "You suck at your job."
How many Apple Geniuses does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we just swap out your whole house
What happened to the Milkman? He drank all the milk.... makes sense no? logically, yes!
Probably the worst time to say "Or what?!" is when the cops are telling you to drop the gun and step out of the vehicle.
If you haven't had a vagina around your neck... You haven't lived. Happy Mother's Day!
And then God said: Let women have infallible memory. But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.
Q: Why do scientists look for things twice? A: Because they research everything.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
What did Ohio say to Oklahoma? Oh, hi "O". `ifit'sbaddon'tkillme`
I have a fetish for paradoxes. They really turn me off.
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a priest? Only one of them goes limp when a child walks into a room.
What's the difference between cancer and black people? Cancer got Jobs.
Aaanndd I've just been peed on. Were I Tila Tequila I'd have met 1 of my New Years resolutions before the clock had even struck midnight
I just spent several seconds trying unsuccessfully to delete a comma. Turns out somebody sneezed it onto the computer screen.
How much of northern Canada is livable? *Nunavut*
What's the best way to cure seasonal depression? Suicide. -A bit of black humor for black friday
<--- Tips cup back and lightly taps the bottom. Fifty pieces of ice fall out on face.
What is the difference between a brown-noser and a s***t head? Depth perception
[loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*
A fondue party... But instead of bread, it's more cheese. And instead of people, it's even more cheese.
"All I ever wanted to do is make a difference." - Subtraction Man
Why do Jews have such large noses? Air is free
BOSS: Don't just stand there. ME: Bust a move? BOSS: What? ME: Nothing, I'll go make some copies.
So Goldilocks is casing the bears' house, figuring she can heist their stash of crystal meth, when all of a sudden ... . . . Andrew Dice Clay sticks his head in the door and says ...
Just googled "who is Gossip Girl?" and swear I heard my mom whisper "you're one of us now."
In bed, women commonly mistake me for Usain Bolt because I always come first.
They say you get closer to God when you die.. because you stop existing
What does the snowman call his wife? Snowblower
My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.
What do you call a Mexican with no car? Joaquin
A vegan, an atheist, and a cross fitter walk into a bar... ...everyone else leaves.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word "bifurcated" during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I'm gradually figuring out what the best lighting options are for my house. It's a process of illumination.
Q: Why was the belt thrown in jail? A: He held up a pair of pants.
Have you heard the one about the successful black man? Neither have I! I hope this isn't a repost. I made this joke, but I wouldn't be surprised if somebody else thought of it before me.
Why does Bill Clinton prefer B.J.s? Because he hates Costco.
Surely sometimes hookers just look around and say "SHIT, I'm really a hooker right now".
Why don't you .... A husband asks his wife after sex "Honey why don't you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm?" She replies "Well I would Dear but you are never home."
I want to open a gay bar in Germany called Pole-Land. You know they'll invade the place.
What did the Irishman text his Wife? "Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
Took the family out for doughnuts They did not like having to give blood.
I really needed something positive in my life so I finally got tested.
[Cruise ship] "HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK" - I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff
We found love in a hopeless place We found Steve in a frozen place We found Stark in an iron case We found Hulk in some gamma rays We found Thor punching Lokis face
Pal: "on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals" Me: "how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?"
UPDATE: This year's least popular Halloween candy was, as always, Reese's Feces.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets *tweets embarrassing sober ones
No need for instructions when building something, just put it together all wrong & then read them later after taking it apart to start over.
Roses are red, violets are blue... I killed your family. You're next.
What is Pitbull's favorite restaurant? Jason's Dale!
During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.
You are not even beneath my contempt.
A photon checks into a hotel.. The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?" The photon replies, "I don't have any, I'm traveling light."
We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.
A Newfie, a Quebecois, and a Native walk into a bar in Calgary. The bartender says "Get the fuck out!"
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I'm the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
What do you call an extremely flamboyant loaf of bread? A faggette
Why didn't the life guard save the hippy? He was too far out, man
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.
What's 5q + 5q?
What do you call a cheap circumcision A rip off.
I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
A woman walks into a bar... turns out, it was actually a kitchen.
What do you call a Children's show with some Alcohol added in? Booze Clues.
Hate when I eat the last bite and didn't notice it was the last bite so I couldn't mentally prepare myself and get any closure.
Teacher And Student Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
Why are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it!
Broke bakers need dough.
I spent the whole night trying to solve a math problem... and then it dawned on me.
What's the difference between humor and odor? Humor is a shift of wit.
When I remember trees are alive I like to picture their brain is the roots and the trunk and branches are its legs dangling into the sky.
What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea? Thanks, it's my special tea.
A roman walks in a bar... holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."
How is Michael Jackson like the thousands of people outside times square on new years? Once the balls drop, They're no longer interested!
How to be depressed Step 1. Go to 1973 and sell 10% shares of apple for $800 Step 2. Realise those 10% is worth $43 billion nowadays.
It's a SHOT in the dark, but you might find this funny. Why did the bros take a shot of alcohol together? Because if one bro takes a shot, the other takes a slug! #Bromanceforlife #Dietogether
What would be a Jew's fighting stance in mortal kombat? Jew jipped you!
We have a young married couple in the  neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.
Why can't the bishop walk straight? Cause he can only move diagonally
What gun does Jesus hate the most? The nail gun. So sorry if this offends you Credit to the /r/pka podcast
Hospital... A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
What do you call 100 cows masterbating ? Beef Strokenoff
Men don't get lost; they discover alternative destinations.
What are you called if you are paid to be a thing? A pro-noun!
So a frog parked his car in a "no parking" zone..... His ride got toad away.
Customer: Waiter there's a button in my  salad. Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.
Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.
I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the f*cking pub.
My Gran died of asbestosis. It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I can't think of a better time to drop dead than at a New Year's Eve party right after everyone yells "...1!"
"If I could have dinner with any person, dead or alive... ..I would choose alive." -BJ Novak-
Some people say that I'm too vague.
Daddy what is a transvestite? Ask your mother, he knows it.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
There are 10 types of people in this world. . . People who understand binary and people who don't.
I feel bad for kids who see toys on the television but can't order it cause their parents have to be over 18 to call..
You heard the rumour going around about butter? Never mind. I shouldn't spread it.
Little Johnny walks in on his naked mom... sees her little bush and asks: -Mommy what's that? -It's uh... a spider! -Oh, be careful or it'll bite your pussy!
I bought some shoes... I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.
I tried donating sperm the other day, but they refused me. The requirements they have are really strict there at the salvation army
How Many Business Analysts Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? None. The light bulb shall never burn out. (OK. It's more cathartic than funny...)
So you're in bed... So you're in bed with a hot girl to the right side of you and a gay man to the left of you. Who would you turn to face? be careful with whom you chose
Did you hear about the Chinese guy who moved to America and turned white? He was really disoriented.
I like my coffee like I like my women. Handed over by an eastern european immigrant who doesn't care what happens to it or expect to see it again.
Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
What's the real reason old men take Viagra? So they don't roll out of bed!
What do you call the process of a robot clearing its artificial nose? An olfactory reset.
I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? it's a pretty obscure number.... i'm sure you haven't heard of it.
so two elderly grapes are talking then one of the grapes says, is it just me or are you looking a bit prune?
I say hi to my dog about 600 times per day.
My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey. So I took a photo of her hair!
Why was the horse all charged up? It ate some haywire!
Why don't you play UNO with a Mexican? Because they steal all the green cards
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Why can a nose not be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot!
Remember when there were backyard gardens? Oh, those were good thymes.
Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head? The tomato was in a can.
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates His poems weren't always first rate, His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had, Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.
What do you call a one-legged Asian woman? Irene.
He's making his list. He's checking it twice. He's gonna find out how many Jews will suffice. Oskar Schindler's coming to town.
It appears the brain trust has commenced its meeting. Listen to those synapses fire.
There's a black guy in my family tree... he's still hanging there.
My math teacher called me average... How mean.
Why are there a lot of problem gamblers in the Harry Potter universe? Because they have a quidditch.
What is brown and gray has eight legs and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.
Me: Will I be happy in 2017? (peers into crystal ball) Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN Psychic: I don't know; I've never seen one explode before
I'm watching this movie where Johnny Depp plays this wierd guy. I'm watching 13 movies.
What do you call a vampire junkie? Count Drugula.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me Guy: Can't believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi. And... Why did the fungi leave the party? Because there wasn't much room.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng neck. I want to date a giraffe basically.
who paid? Wednesday, Tom and Joe went to a restaurant and ate dinner. When they were done they paid for the food and left. But Tom and Joe didn't pay for the food. Who did?
11yo son just walked by. If Axe was a drug, I'd be stoned right now.
I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now I can't stop painting my bathroom.
5: let's play the quiet game. Me: Okay 5: ready..? Start. Me: 5: Me: 5: whoever talks first is the loser.
What do you call an operation on a rabbit?  A hare-cut.
Why did 2Pac go to the gym? To get a 6Pac! -7th grade me
What is green and smells like bacon? ... Kermit's finger
At a job interview I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly. "Nervous?" asked the interviewer. I responded, "No, I always give 110%."
DID YOU KNOW? If you sleep on your side every night, your face eventually slides around your head like on a flounder.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Why are wedding gowns white? Cuz the dishwasher should match the stove and the fridge
Have you heard about that new movie, "Constipation"? ...No? That's because it hasn't come out yet.
thought i wanted to die but turns out i was just hungry
I dated an Optometrist, but just had to break up with her She was a great girl, but really annoying in bed. She kept on saying, "So, do you like it better like this? Or like this?"
The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
I googled your mom last night. I had to open two tabs.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.
It would be endearing to call Elon Musk... Musk Dear
Is sex without obligations possible after getting married? Yeah - sometimes I can have sex without promising to do the dishes afterwards.
I was going to tell a suicide bomber joke, but I feel that it would just blow up in my face.
What happened to the blind surgeon? He got the sack.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere! Her: You mean New York, Paris & London? Me: Um, ya that's what I meant.
well for starters this x box controller is considered an accessory, so technicalley im Not shirtless. now give me mcburger
I asked my boss... I asked my boss what he wanted me to do with a large roll of bubble wrap. He told me to pop it in the corner. It took me over three hours!
You know what? Chicken Butt!
You win some, you booze some!
Why American Names Are Like  "Jackson, Wilson, Markson..... Robinson, Kenson, Anderson, Davidson, Jemson, Johnson" Because This Is The Easy Way For Mom To Remember Who Is Whose Son.
STDs are like pokemons... To be cool, you gotta catch 'em all.
Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
What did my step-dad say before bludgeoning by brother to death with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson.
How many of my parents does it take to mow the lawn? None. They pay me to do it.
Why did the woman divorce the grape? She was tired of raisin' kids.
Fred: What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!
What do you call 4 dogs and a black bird? Spice girls
There's panic and then there's can't-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Me: How many times are you going to lick my nose in your lifetime? Dog: 
Do you want to hear a joke about Ebola? You're probably not going to get it.
I heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I started a joke but I need help completing it. Two quadriplegics walk into a bar...
[In a chair] Leans back Leans back Leans ba... [Ambulance]
I just completed a one month long diet... And all I lost was 30 days.
My stepfather, beating me black and blue, was no accident. Just a terrible faux pa.
Where did the Nazis send the Juice? To the concentration camps.
#presidentfacts Barack Obama is the first president in nearly 80 years to choose a water type as his starting Pokemon
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You're going to blow my secret that I'm a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I just got an eyelash in my eye and I'm yelling at it cuz it's supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB."
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
what's the cheapest force? centrifrugal
Motels 1 through 5 must've been real dumps.
Apparently, if a bear attacks, you are supposed to play dead. You know, that sounds an awful lot like something a bear would say...
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - East German Swim Team Barbie ...a Barbie head on a Ken doll
What's al Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
How did rich people get their money? They were calm and collected.
Did you guys here about what was going on at Mount Rushmore before the carvings? Man, that shit was unpresidented.
What's the worst part about shaking a one-armed man? You know that's his masturbating hand
What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies? Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!
There are 170 billion galaxies in the observable universe yet this woman claims this hummus is "everything"
German engineering isn't that good... ...showers in the camps didn't even work!
There was time in the old west A dog with three legs walks into a saloon, he slams open the doors, looks around at the startled patrons and asks, "Anyone seen my PAW?"
For just 2 quarters a day, you can send 2 quarters a day to African children. African children love collecting quarters.
Flowjob When a woman won't have sex because she's on her period, so she offers you a flowjob.
[Being murdered] (with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child? The answer should be apparent.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly. Feminists can't change anything!
guess what? chicken but. lol
Alcohol is best served.
The most Canadian sentence ever. Sorry aboot spilling too much maple syrup into your Tim Hortons coffee, eh?
What is the best part about having sex with twenty eight year-olds? There are twenty of them.
My favorite joke about Alzheimer's
American Politics
Boy asks Girl.... Boy: Will you marry me? *girl slaps him* Girl: What did you say? *boy gets up and and slaps her twice* Boy: If you didn't hear what I said, then why did you slap me?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ? Me ~ Uhhh .... Roughly about the same as you Cop ~ Get out
The larger the implants, the more likely she'll be confused by a push/pull door.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream? She was wearing mittens.
A police joke knock knock
The older Cameron Diaz gets, the more she and Mickey Rourke look like brothers.
What do nuns do when they get horny? They come to Jesus.
I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Eunuchs have been historically given influence or wealth as part of their compensation package.
I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.
I think that limiting the nuggeting of animals to only chicken was a mistake.
Which state serves the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
What is the difference between a robot and a sandwich? Everything. These two objects have nothing in common.
Why don't old people like tennis? There's too much racket
Sunday is a great day to curl up with a good book and completely ignore it because, ya know, the Internet.
The entire history of athletic competition boils down to "Hey y'all watch this!"
I thought it was funny... Came up with this one yesterday "What did off-center say to tilted? I don't know either he told me to askew!"
I just like to sleep naked... The flight attendant could have been a bit more understanding.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar... Followed by BATMAN!
People say women can do everything men can do. Have women ever successfully oppressed an entire gender?
I saw a motorcycle with a broken windscreen And I thought "that's not fairing too well."
A Physics student is standing on the roof of a building preparing to leap to his death.... His professor calls out to him, "Stop! You have so much potential!"
findafamilymember.com Now the #1 Dating Site in Texas!
My super buff friend told me he never uses any fitness supplements... I didn't believe him and said "no whey?"
Why are dead baby jokes the best? Because they never get old.
If anyone knows how to increase the size of my penis or where I can buy cheap viagra or a rolex watch, please email me every day about it
You'd think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrong side-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?
I lost 100 pounds with this simple trick I gave it to charity
I don't understand why ... I don't understand why Mexicans are so upset that Trump is going to build a wall. They should just get over it.
I see ur bio says 'Medical Intern'. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it's infected. It is right?
A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... "Ugh, some asshole has my pen", she thought.
Kim Kardarshian says she wants more babies so.. So Kim Kardarshian says she wants more babies ? Apparently their family will be like a complete compass. East, West, NORTH, South.
Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...
Everyone enjoys blonde jokes. Except blondes, they don't get it.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? -top 3 things on my mind when I'm in a a conversation
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but... I know I wouldn't get a reac- ***JOKE RETRACTED BY THE FINE BROS***
Why do black people spend so much on their shoes? You would to if you had such a long walk home.
Doctor Doctor some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You're too tents.
WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler
don't eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
if you told a kid that their parents died or that their balloon flew away, you'd get the same reaction.
Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.
What is the proper definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping her butthole you know you are in definitely.
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep.
Aren't all these Chicken jokes getting a bit redundant and lame? Eggsactly
What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
So the Dali-Lama walks into a pizza shop... and asks the pizza guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"
I'll get you wetter than a Scottish summer.
if you're in a sports bar but don't understand sports just keep repeating the phrase "damn they gotta get him the ball." everyone will agree
I heard Iran is supposed to do well at the olympics this year They're the bomb
911: what's your emergency? M: I'm out of ketchup. 911: miss I don't think u get how 911 works. M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK
A local bakery caught fire last night The whole place is toast
Smoke alarms are really just toast alarms.
I like my women like I like my coffee, Not-tea
If it's illegal for clowns to walk around town... Then why can they run for president?
I think the face you make pre-sneeze is the same as when you orgasm.
What does a snowman say to his son on his birthday?(dad joke) Happy Brr-day son!
Grandma used to say "Respect yourself & others will too," but she also used to say "Damn N*ggers," so I don't know what to believe :(
A short and a long joke * joke * JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE
It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes.
I used Bing to search something the other day. That's it. That's the whole joke.
I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze? You invite two of them.
Donald Trump is what happens when a YouTube commenter makes a billion dollars.
Where do you usually find dogs? It all depends on where you lose them.
I managed to hit 18 holes today... And I still have time for golf.
What's a polar bear? It's a Cartesian bear after a co&amp;ouml;rdinate transform.
Just watched my wedding video backwards - Loved the part where I took off the ring, left the church, and fucked off with my friends
I read a very good book about astronomy last week. It was stellar.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?.. How can you breath through that thing.
I explained gluten allergy' to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
A man walks into a bar... Ow.
Can we all agree to just stop what we're doing for 5 minutes and get a worldwide airplane safety speech and then we can skip them forever?
Why is a ghost like an empty house? Because there's no body there!
My coworkers think I'm always busy but I'm really just trying to remember my password.
If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I'll be exposed for the fraud I am
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
Why do all dads have huge dicks? Because the kids have tiny hands.
Did you hear about the terrible kidnapping? Yeah. He woke up. :)
Back seat drivers are all the same.. "Why we going into the woods?" "Let me out"
I'm gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg! "Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!" Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so fucked.
what % of the time are birds just chilling
Why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub? So that the bride wouldn't get cold feet.
I was a mentally ill homeless alcoholic until that fateful day when the man in a blazer said, "get a job pal."
*puts Fitbit on Roomba *eats crackers with no plate or napkin
You could film me for a month and still not have enough footage for a 30 second 'Rocky training' typed montage of my productiveness at work.
You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says "After 300 yards, stop and let me out"
When I claimed I could post the funniest joke ever on reddit, everyone laughed at me. They're not laughing now.
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
Have you guys heard about the guy who got his left side cut off? well he's all right now
You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
I like my humor how I like my sex Dry and uncomfortable.
I lied to my wife about what I was doing. I told her I was laminating copies of my newest novel. But that was only a cover for my story.
If you want to hide your face, go out naked.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
It's so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Ever heard of the blind hooker? You really gotta hand it to 'er.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters So Trump can't tweet it
"97% of the world's population is homosexual." - survey based on YouTube comments
A man walks into a bar, looks at the bartender and says...... please fill in a punch line
So a bum asked me for same change... A homeless man asked me for some change today. I said to him, "Sorry, pal. You should know better than me that no one in this place has got _innocence_."
Women are a lot like cars. You rarely get a brand spanking new one, and as soon as you've been in it once. It loses more than half its value.
Who won the race between two balls of string? They we're tied!
So four gay guys walk into a crowded bar, there is only one stool free. How do they all sit? They turn the stool upside down
What does Bob Marley put on his toast? Peanut butter and jammin!
Did you know that Australians don't ever actually have sex? Because Australians mate...
What's the only thing worse than a worm in your apple? Reposts
Newt Gingrich is the result of leaving a bobble head doll by a radioactive power plant.
What were the French children doing in the pool? Piscine.
What's the difference between fat and cholesterol you don't wake up with a cholesterol
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I was talking to my grandfather When he said "your generation relies too much on technology" I then said " no grandpa yours does" Then I unplugged his life support.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
YOUR LISTENING TO MAGIC FM........pick a frequency, any frequency
A recent study estimated that 8% of all Facebook accounts are fake... unless you count people's personalities, then that number jumps to 93%.
I've never had a beer explode in my car. I've never left a beer alone that long.
When I get overly proud of America, I simply remember that in 1999 we made Mambo No. 5 a number one hit.
I worry that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a Science class or two.
What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits? A cud thud!
Wife: "You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I'm leaving you." Me: "I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!"
What do you call a folder on FBI's servers that contains all the intel on known child molesters? A Pedo File.
Me, Myself &amp; Irene What would be the movie called if it were about you? You Yourself &amp; Urine.
Why were the proctologist's emails so hard to read? Too many colons.
"...any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or..." They're engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook! *crowd GASPS*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My girlfriend treats me like a god She ignores me till she wants to ask for something
Whoever said "talk is cheap" never dialed 1-900-WET-GIRLS at $3.99 per minute. I think Dirty Darla loves me though.
Why did Tiger Woods stop winning golf tournaments? Because he stopped cheating
[first date] *pointing indiscriminately* "uh-oh looks like we're on the Kiss Cam" there's no- *leans in* there's no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Why did the Buddhist photographer fail at taking pictures? Bad cam'ra
The average person has sex 89 times a year My December is going to be fucking sick
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: "Probably not bees," says one scientist. "Dear god what if it's bees?"
CLERK: $3.74 ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
A man fell into a deep sleep after eating too many telephones. He's in a dialbetic phona.
What's the #1 horror movie in the far east ? The Sirens of the Rams.
Oh, some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?
What do you call a singing computer? A Dell
All my punishment tactics against my 8 year old were in vain until I threatened to transfer her most valued Pokemon to the Professor
How come Notepad has no street cred? It can't wrap.
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie  theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter".
How many Hillary supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None. cmon , they'd much rather be kept in the dark.
I fundamentally understand pacman because I too live my life sprinting after food
If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies, what brings no babies? A little Swallow.
What was the vegan rock band's first hit? Lettuce turnip the beet!
"I'm a great listener." - The US government on a first date.
"Easter?" HERE "Thanksgiving?" HERE "Christmas?" PRESENT
Warner Bros. before Warner Hos.
Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
My elected representatives and the executives of the firm I work at are going to be in the News soon ! Thanks Panama Papers !
Hillary Clinton is going to be the first F President. Sorry, I meant to type "Female" but somebody deleted the "emale."
Why did Donald Trump cross the road? To avoid debating.
You know yer addicted to twitter when you count letters in the surgeon general's warning on the vodka bottle & think "Yeah, that would fit."
How many NRA members does it take to change a light bulb? A: More guns.
Fact if it's mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that's not enough babies!
Me: Real women don't care about romantic cliches. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.
A skeleton walks in to a bar... The bartender says, "What'll it be, mister?" The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop, please!"
What do you call repetitive diarrhea? Re-runs. (ba-dum, tss) It's just the same shit over and over again.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants.
what's a pirate's favourite letter? you may think it's R, but his true love be the C!
Man's guide for a selfie: 1) Squint your eyes like your cool 2) Look off into the distance 3) Put your phone down 4) Don't take the selfie
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
You should always wrap your hamster in duct tape. That way, it won't explode when you fuck it.
My girlfriend says she's going to leave me because I have a gambling problem But I think she's bluffing.
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes
After a long day at work, I like to spend time at home with my liquor cabinet oh and my wife I guess and that thing that poops.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
It's okay to laugh at cancer, you'll probably get it.
What do you call Taylor Swift when she squats low? No ass to the grass
I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
Inventor displays the first knife ever. His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread" Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"
If poly means many and ticks are blood sucking parasites, then politics must mean...
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Atleast there was one way that the new Ghostbusters was true to the original... It still had a black guy as one of the main cast.
Incest... When you hit a little too close to home
I should rename my Reddit account to Digiorno... Because as OP I never deliver
Cripple jokes are terrible... I just cant stand them...
What did Helen Keller say when she won the lottery? uunnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg!
Schrodinger: How's my cat, Doc? Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Whats the V in DVD stand for? Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today .. be kind)
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous I see a lot of new faces here this week, and I just want you to know I'm disappointed.
If I committed suicide, I'd do it in front of a mirror... I'll see myself out.
I'm inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
So I entered an astronomy contest the other day... ...I didn't come first but I did get a constellation prize. :-)
What's common between a lawyer and an eccentric billionaire with bad teeth? Both have a very expensive retainer.
What do you call a fear of big boobs... HerRackNaphobia
My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted easily.......... Well I Better get back to it....
Haters gonna hate, alligators gonna alligate
What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies? Almond Joy.
What do you call a German living in Canada? A leder hoser.
*puts on Rocky theme music* *cracks neck* *cracks knuckles* *stretches* *jogs in place* *picks up phone to call mom*
What do you call the second-most hated politician in America? Madam President.
How do you piss off Liquor store shoplifters and Redditors? CAP LOCKS.
A man asks his dog, "what's your favorite part of the house?" "ROOF!" Screams the dog. The man asks, "what's your favorite part of trees?" "Chlorophyll," says the dog. The man kills himself.
What do you call a noisy Chinese dog? How-Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)
Prove that lightning isn't wizards fighting. You can't.
Muslim women should be our allies... Because they will never suck a cops dick.
In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. "I wish he'd die," says Cupcake. They all nod.
Why do teenage girls seem to always hang out in odd numbered groups? Two for me and one for you.
Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards.
As far as my dog knows... ...dicks taste like peanut butter.
A man walks into a bar But it's atmospheric pressure so he's fine.
I'm testing my theory that I can get away with putting a 0 or N/A in a work report that requires answers when I don't know the answers.
The last Hillary Clinton email joke... [defeated]
I'm really upset that Vine is getting shut down, because I won't be able to use the phrase, "do it for the Vine" anymore... "Do it or I'll fucking kill you" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
Is there as much intelligence disparity in other animals as humans? Does any cow make other cows go, "That's the dumbest cow I've ever met"?
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
I dated a midget once, we were in love.. I was nuts over her.
Why did Bin Laden listen to Eminem? He was an Afghani-Stan.
I wanted to go as the invisible man for Halloween this year. But my Girlfriend made me put my clothes back on.
The Russian version of "How I Met Your Mother" is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.
Teacher : Why are you the only child in the  classroom today ? Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't have school dinners yesterday !
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
I was going to make a Casey Anthony joke but my mom would kill me
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who's president.
Why was the bee sent out of class? Because he was beehiving badly.
What do you call a group of rioters attacking a music store? Luters
Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?
They say a woman does better research than the FBI... Good thing a man can hide secrets better than the CIA.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop) Shirtless mother: what should we name him? Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra...ham
So then, the rhino looked at the elephant and said "What about the weasel?" That's the punchline. Comment with the lead up and may the best one win.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people's phones.
What happened to Mr. Potato Head when he smoked weed? He got baked.
If you type a &lt;3 but you end up with &lt; you should go to the doctor because your heart is pounding.
I can't wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.
What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo
Capitalization is important. NSFW Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."
Is Google a he or a she... Is Google a he or a she? A: A she, no doubt, because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
A cop just knocked on my front door. He told me my dog was chasing someone on a bike. Told the cop it wasn't my dog, he doesnt even own a bike.
A Jew, Korean, and Black guy walk into a bar. The bartender told them to get the fuck out.
Thumb sucking My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it
My girlfriend's dad called me a pedophile just because I'm 34 and she's 23... ...he totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
What's the difference between Myspace and My space? One Space.
What do you call a nice looking WWII german solider? A Neo Hotzi
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights? A Sir conference.
My god said a man while staring at his computer All these jokes are bogus
What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Internet? I don't know but it's e-nourmous.
At least once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
People wonder what my abusive father does after mom left us... Beats me..
What do fat white chicks and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-" "WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!"
Whats brown and sticky? anal
How do you throw a party in space? Planet.  I'll show myself out.
*turns off life support* *waits* *turns it back on* Me: How's she now? Him: Are you sure you're a doctor? Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.
Studies show 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of our population.
Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum.
"Your evolutionary biology thesis is rejected." Why? "You added (lmao) every time you mentioned Homo Erectus."
How much does a truck full of bones weigh? A skeleTon
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
What's Lil Wayne's Favorite French Movie? AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE
Have you heard the joke about Murphy's Law? It goes like... no wait... ah, damn it.
A truck load of Viagra was stolen yesterday Police don't know who did it, but they're on the lookout for hardened criminals.
What's grey and never needs ironing ? A drip dry elephant !
A sexy radical feminist walks out of a civil rights meeting with blood on her hands... ... When asked what happened, she replied: "a small issue came up, and we had to cut it short"
What do you call a cowboy with erectile dysfunction? Clint Southwood
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
What make an ISIS joke funny? the execution
I heard Kia has been working with the devil... They've been selling their Souls.
What's red and has 7 dents in it? Snow White's cherry.
Bollywood movies are so long... I started watching one in 2014 and it's just finished in 2015.
Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend... Do it with a parachute.
Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars. Girls go to Venus to get more penis.
What is the point of owning a fish? They are just furniture with the ability to die.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would've been an embarrassing obituary.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its titalot
It's like grandma always said... In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs
Murphy's Law - If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole's Law - shredded cabbage in mayo
Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
Hitler is threatening to start World War 3 He is dead serious. ayyy lmao
Being cremated..... ..... is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
What is Shaka's favorite Japanese food? Shakitori!
There was no Mrs. Noah & the ark was lonely, thus explaining the evolutionary mishaps you'll find at Walmart.
If the bird of peace if the dove, what's the bird of love? The swallow.
I have AIDS and Alzheimer's Thank goodness I don't have AIDS
What did people do every 5 seconds before Facebook and Twitter?
I've always thought I'm pretty hot Probably has something to do with my Dad always calling me sun
What weebles and wobbles but can't get up? Grandpa having a seizure. Bonus: Statistically speaking, 1 in 5 adult men
Siracha The only cock that makes a straight man's mouth water.
You know you masturbate too much when... both hands pretend to be asleep.
I asked my dad if he ever got around to checking out the cookbook I wrote. He said yeah, and it was about thyme.
What's the deal with the Z Fighters? They aren't fighting to stay awake!
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Donut that is out of this world!!! What do you call a donut that is out of this world? -----Astronaut-----
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Being raped
This morning I found a fly on my toilet seat. ... It was pissed off.
One good thing has come from the Ebola virus The white nations might have a chance of winning a marathon next Olympics.
If the Jewish population is 16.6 million people with a constant rate of change, what is 23% of the Jewish population after five years? Ashes
My phone is crap. I put it into airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Worst transformer ever.
How do you know if a girl is dating a vampire? They only wanna go down on her once a month
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. Always been a family favourite.
I like my women just like my wine 10 years old and locked in the cellar.
What do you call a helicopter with a bad paint job? A patchy gunship
What is the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton won't let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.
I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you're going to run into a vampire who's on a road trip.
"This movie is so awful & unfunny I refuse to air it EVEN on a Saturday afternoon."- No one at Comedy Central ever
Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
What's the difference between a goat and a kid? I stopped butchering goats.
A horse walks into a bar in Area 51 and the bartender asks [punchline has been deleted by the American Government]
Did you here about the guy who's whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.
[at bar] Gee, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse *nearby horse slams down his whisky* COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY *horse throws the 1st punch*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Do you know what a true competitor is? [NSFW] It's a guy who enters a masturbation contest and comes in first, third and ninth.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I'm having several tonite.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
If I had $1 for every time somebody called me a racist... black people would rob me.
What did the black student get on his SATs? Barbecue sauce
What's the difference between an American and a British prostitute?... ...one pounds for work the other works for pounds
What is a cannibal's favorite food?  Baked Beings.
What did the mathematician's apprentice say when he didn't get acknowledged? Notice me sin() !!!
A man goes to Macy's to buy a sweater. He swipes his card but it didn't register. The cashier asks him to try his card again and the man replies, "I already did and it fits great!"
How do you turn on a lamp? By seducing it
Why does the average person all the sudden become a tomato juice drinking weirdo on an airplane?
Sexist Joke alert why do they say Lady's first? because its the best for last
If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
"Feel the burn" yells my fitness instructor as I think that's probably how Satan greets people in Hell.
Why did the smartphone go to jail... [OC] Because it was charged with battery
haha lol ownded dad!!!! u may thimk its nice that u get a fathers day once a year, but ther is a son day evrey week
if daniel day-lewis dies the doctors will hav to make extra sure he's dead. he may just be acting dead and no one woud ever kno
At the Last Supper... [At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* "This is my body!" *Jesus raises wine* "And this is my blood!" *Pulls out 9 of Clubs* "And this is your card" *Apostles go nuts*
Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn't burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.
A penny lies below the cliff where a jew and black man jumps from, who wins? We don't have enough information to conclude who's likely to win
An opinion without 3.1415926535897932.... is just an onion.
What do you say to a kid if they give you a picture? That's pretty shit mate. My 20 year old cousin who has no arms can draw better than you. You have no talent, deal with it.
"Election" and "erection" actually have the same meaning. They're both about a dick rising to power.
Today I was wondering "why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?"... ... And then it hit me. - Steven Wright
Where is the most ironic place to get a girl pregnant? Abortion clinic.
What do a walrus and tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal
What do you call an African American astronaut? An astronaut you racist Jerk.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know the exact number, but many Hans make light work.
Did you hear about the guy... [nsfw?] Did you hear about the guy with three penises? His pants fit him like a glove.
What is the preferred newspaper of lighting fixtures? The Lamp Post.
What do you call a black guy that flies a plane? A pilot, you f'n racist!!
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
What is the difference between homeless and vodka? Vodka does not freeze
What is the difference between Jelly and Jam ? I have no fucking idea.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
Request: dead baby jokes What is worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby nailed to 10 trees Sure, oldest one in the book but whatever lets hear what you got gang
Raise your hands... ...if you have ever had your arms torn off by a wookie.
Anyone have a good recipe for ice cubes?
What did the woman say after 5 guys came on her for a porn video? Thank you all for coming!
The only thing I have to offer men is that I don't ask questions during a movie.
Why does all the corn in Iowa lean West? Because Nebraska sucks!
Why are Canadians atheist? Because they are Eh-theists.
I give up drinking for good. ... ... ... Now, I drink for evil.
Confucius say, "Happy wife lead to soft hands... Unhappy wife lead to softer hands."
Atheists don't seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone. God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
How does Davy Crockett like his pie? Alamo'd
What happens to a plate made out of cookies when you drop it? It chips.
The S7's are exploding as much as Muslims in the middle east.
Mitt Romney Runs for president.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Crispin ! Crispin who ? Crispin crunchy is how I like my apples !
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, Not screaming and on fire like his passengers
What did the Cannibal get for dinner after offending his wife? The cold shoulder.
Who is the favourite communist leader of all the cats? Mao
Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a man. Feels great and then you look down and realize you're gay.
Just saw Snow White working at Lady Foot Locker, she was looking hot, seriously, she was the fairest of the mall.
Have you ever seen Ted Cruz and the Zodiac Killer in the same room? Me neither.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Love is that really warm feeling that starts from the tips of your fingers and goes towards the bottom of your hand. Oh no wait that's glove
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: "Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago."
Bae: come over. Me: Can't. I've to finish posting this joke. Bae: My parents aren't home.
Abs are for people who can't afford good food.
"Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?"
They won't be able to serve bottled beer this year at the baseball stadium. They lost the opener.
I don't mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.
How do you make a dead baby float? -2 scoops vanilla icecream -2 scoops baby -Add rootbeer and serve
How many cops does it take to push a pedophile down the stairs? None, he tripped. ;)
It might take a village to raise a child... but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Chris Christie finally got a job in Trump's administration. He's going to be the border wall.
Worst things the parents do in Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
[Job interview] "You list communication as a strength" Yes "Care to elaborate?" No
What's red and smells like green paint? Red Paint
The shepherd woke up one afternoon... "Oh no! I fell asleep! I hope nobody stole my sheep. Let's see 1, 2, *Zzzzzz*"
What do you call a Sith Lord who lives in the woods? Darth Deciduous
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
A miser writes his will and names himself as the heir. This is actually one of the oldest known jokes. http://mentalfloss.com/article/57470/11-jokes-worlds-oldest-jokebook
WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING
What do a near sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
"Are you sure this lawyer is good?" Yeah, why? "He pronounced sue like sway"
Why did it take so long to find the bodies of the black firefighters after the building they were in caught fire and collapsed? Cause the building collapsed, duh.
What falls down faster from a tree, a leaf or an emo? A leaf. The rope catches the emo.
I once had a dog named Tax... Every time I opened the front door, Income Tax!
Wana hear a Canadian joke? Toronto maple leafs.
My relationship Looks like vasectomy made a vas deferens to my relationship...
In the old days they sacrificed virgins to appease the Gods. They must have realized sacrificing the town slut would have been such a waste.
My brother is so dumb. He was complaining about jockeys squeezing his balls. I told him to try boxers. He came back and said, no their hands are too rough.
How can you tell that a shrimp with a big dick was walking down the beach? Because he left a shrimp cock-trail.
I'll have a 12 year old scotch. Hold the scotch.
U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.
I tried to add 1 + 1 But it was two complicated for me.
A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!
"Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!" -Vin Diesel eating a purse
Political views are like children. Some people donit have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.
How do you find an ants forefathers? Check it's ants-history.
God said to Peter "Come forth and receive eternal life." But Peter came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.
I have bathed in the blood of virgins! I had a nosebleed in the shower.
What's worse, ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Two maggots were fighting in dead ernest, poor old Ernest.
A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand And says "Make me one with everything."
Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.
My friend lost his left hand... He's all right now.
I ran out of tortilla chips so I'm freebasing salsa.
I hate it when I'm at someone's house and they keep asking stupid questions like... "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
My grandfather was an ace dog fighter he taught Michael Vick everything he knows!
Why do hipsters always burn their mouth when they eat? BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO EAT BEFORE IT WAS COOL!
What do call having to settle for buying corn? Compra maize.
What do you call a shy, soft-spoken hipster? mumblr
Whats the difference between a black man and Batman? Batman can go to a store without robin.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Knock Knock "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "No, Who's on first!"
Lawyer Joke You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.
I was all cozy up in Mississippi and then all hell broke loose because... Mr. Issippi came home early.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions. Me: Fair enough, Carl.
What did the cactus say to his wife? 'Aloe Vera!
A fun thing to do when you're done dating someone is just disappear completely and pretend you've lost your phone and died
Pessimist : The glass is half empty Optimist : The glass is half full Feminist : The glass is being raped
"Oh my god!" responded the mother as she heard the news. "Will my son be an alkyne forever?" "It's even worse," the doctor said, "he's terminal."
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I'm doing
What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk? I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!
Why do cows from the south make the best sandwiches? Because they are in bread.
The Discovery Channel is filming a new series about my ex-wife. It is called Deadliest Snatch
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who's stressing you out.
Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.
The only reason I've been going out with  this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal] WAITER: please stop touching me
My leg got amputated Me: Can I take my leg home doc.? Doc.: Why? Me: Because is my right.
That outfit is very becoming on you Then again, if I was on you, I would be cumming, too.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one's guilty
"Hey Iron Man, how'd you get your powers?" *flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*
I saw my ex getting jumped by six guys at a party last night, so I helped out She didn't stand a chance against seven of us!
Owls The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life - lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.
Did you know Hellen Keller had a dollhouse? Neither did she.
The right response to "I'm a bit tied up at the moment" isn't "what are you wearing?" Apparently.
Thanks, but it's spelled "sexiest", not "sexist". Stupid woman.
2 convicted murderers escaped a New York prison using cordless power tools. Authorities said,when they get a hold of them they will be charged.
Why does Meek Mill avoid shopping on Black Friday? Because the stores advertise "Back to Back" savings.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence
The first time I took Viagra it got caught in my throat... I had a stiff neck for HOURS!
"They dared me to" is always a valid excuse.
If I ever die, I'm going to be so mad about all the times I ate kale.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that's all well & good but they totally got the giraffe's accent wrong.
There are two types of people in the world... Those who can read between the lines.
Q: What's Mary short for? A: She's got no legs.
A man asked me how easy it was to contract HIV... I handed him an address and told him to stop by after dusk with a casque of Cognac and ask for the Honeybadger.
You know what's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's perverted rice.
"DO NOT TOUCH" Must be the scariest thing to read ... ... in Braille.
I am looking at my neighbor's wife through the wall with this new thermal imaging scope. She's hot!
Some people wouldn't understand that skinny jeans and fat genes don't go well together.
Why did the chicken end up in the soup ? Because it ran out of cluck !
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old... in Spice Girl years.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. 
What you you call a girl you meet on Reddit? You don't.
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep? ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.
Why would Hitler have been good at call if duty? His real life kill death ratio was 7mil/1
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking...... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
I hate it when homeless people shake their cups with change in it at me I get it, you have more money than me so stop showing off
Anyone who says "on his person" rather than "on him" is not only pretentious, but obviously doesn't think in 140 characters.
Warning: Never play poker with Tarot cards... I got a full house once and 4 people died
Why did the pimp cross the lawn? To get to the hoes.
'Rowdy' Ronda came to my town to give a speech. It was Rousing.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House's other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Did you hear? About the cannibal that dumped his girlfriend?...
I got a dig bick. You that read wrong. That awkward when you read that wrong too. And said 'moment' after awkward. This is awkward.
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football? Fiver side!
How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but 200 applied for the job.
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
"911, please help im dying" Good cop: help is on the way Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man Dad cop: hi dying, im dad
Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die? Because deep down they're really nice people.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar...... followed by batman!.... Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Belle ! Belle who ? Belle-t up and open this door !
You can't spell "ducking" without "autocorrect"
The mods removed the previous joke that summited about my penis. It was improperly tagged as long.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy
"You laugh because I'm different; I laugh because you're all the same."
If you survived a shark attack, nice job, asshole. You just missed out on the coolest way to die.
What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian? One talks with his hands and makes goofy noises, and the other one can't hear.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
If Lord of the Rings starred Denzel Washington.... ...then at least there would be a Tolkien black guy.
Shave legs ?? Bikini wax ?? Lose 10 lbs ?? Pluck eyebrows ?? Mani/pedi ?? Sexy panties ?? Ready for my big *date! *gynecologist
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me... She calls me her sixty second lover....
How do Asians find our they are pregnant? They send a rubix cube up to see if it gets solved.
Dark jokes are a slippery slope... One guy slipped and never told a joke again.
Rubix cubes are like penises... The more you play with them, the harder they get.
Whenever my anorexic girlfriend says she needs a pee, I never know if she needs the toilet or she's just hungry.
[Interview room] Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
ted cruz looks like he puts ketchup all over his fries instead dipping them
Wait so does Smashing Pumpkins refer to destroying pumpkins or are they just super good pumpkins in England
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Just played the new Hillary Presidency Simulator I don't know why it's called Fallout 4 though.
Did you hear about the toilet at The Duggars' house? 19 poops and counting!
What's the worst part about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
Why did god invent yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt!
I only want to know 1 thing form a fortune teller; where I am going to die. Because then I'd never go there!
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars. Mars: I have a boyfriend
I think that if Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh had their brains swapped, the world would be better because that surgery sounds really risky.
What do you call a cow if he enjoys burgers? A cannibull
I read a book today about the dangers of alcohol. And that's when I decided to quit. Reading.
I've said it before and I'll say it again I've said it before
Me: How old is your daughter? Her: She'll be 4 next week. Me: *audible sigh (Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she... NOW.
Might I integrate your curves tonight?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN - All Emmy winners
Not a single character in any horror or sci-fi film can possibly ever have watched even one horror or sci-fi film.
A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have? A brief case.
What music does a balloon really hate? Pop
My mailbox is overflowing, my spam folder and junk folder rival each other in size, and I keep procrastinating on dealing with it... But one day I'm gonna go clean all that up, you just wait and DNC.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Althea ! Althea who ? Althea in court!
Today I saw a guy driving around with upward of 10 parking tickets on his windshield. Now what were you saying about not giving a fuck?
How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator
Why didn't the female frog lay eggs ?  Because her husband spawned her affections !
What do people call Mozart and Beethoven after they died? Decomposers
A man sued an airline for misplacing his luggage. He unfortunately lost his case.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face...
X is a sign of the times But if you're in excel, it's *
I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.
The most scientific pet? The lab.
What's the deal with circles. They're pointless.
The ending for Toy Story 3 only Andy sells his toys to get weed money and makes a bong out of Mr. Potato Head.
went to a temporary tatoo parlor it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because the P is silent
I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold.
REV. SHARPTON Calling Al Sharpton a reverend is like calling Jeffrey Dahmer a chef
What do you call an underwater dog? Scuba Doo
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much... What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
What do you call an overweight Mexican? A MAXican
What do they call diarrhea at Hogwarts? expellianus!
What does the perverted frog say? Rubbit.
Whats the opposite of feminism? Common sense
What do you call it when a crow throws a party and no one shows up? An attempted murder.
What does the fox say? Go republicans!
I stepped on a rusty Lego the other day... I'm worried I might have contracted Tetris.
Try our curry, you'll never get better I don't get what's so funny about it, do you mind explaining it like I'm 5?
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
How many people does it take to screw in a light? Two, but I don't know how they'll fit inside the bulb
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who'd stare at her boyfriend while he's sleeping.
A girl dialed her own no. from her bf's cell to see her name saved in list like doll or sweetie.she was shocked to see............Mukesh plumber..:)
There's no I in team But there are quite a few of them in Multiple Personality Disorder
Never using online dating again. Last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison. He meant prison.
Q: What is lemonade? A: When you help an old lemon across the street.
Did you hear about the support group for people who talk too much? They're calling it "On and on Anon".
What would Valve call the next world war? A Global Offensive.
Morning after The morning after pill...did you know it's called the "anti-baby pill" in Germany? And in Sweden it's called the "regret pill". However in Chicago it's called the "crime fighter" pill.
The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.
Me:"If you ever give me another gift with 'some assembly required', you're dead to us." 6:*writing thank you card* But, um.. Me: Write it!
How is a hurricane like a marriage? At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it's over your house is gone.
What is the most prudent thing to do when someone is having an epileptic seizure in a hot tub? Throw in your laundry.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I called the rape support hotline last night. Apparently it is only for victims.
[Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid.
Marriage is like a hand of cards... You start off with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing for clubs and a spade.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you're sitting there banging your head on the table.
What does the Redditor do every morning? Hit the snoos button.
What Will Come After Fuller House? Fullest House. Then, Get Out of My House
Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, "NA NA, you couldn't stop me!" so he also received his first cross-check.
My girlfriend said she's like a man because she pees in the shower. I said, you're not a man until you pee in the toilet, From the shower.
The scene from The Exorcist where she's tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it's me when getting a Brazilian.
What do you find hanging from cherry trees? Your arms have gotten sore.
What's the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
What are you watching tonight? The game where players make enough money to risk getting brain damage, or the debate where the players already have brain damage?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
What's the difference between 9/11 and your birth? One was planned.
Why did the chicken get a Ouija Board? To contact those on the other side.
I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.
My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday. Sold his Soul for a Mustang.
Freudian analysts How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?? Sex
2. So I said to the shoe salesman... - I'm looking for a pair of basketball shoes... Shoe salesman - ajkdkdkaldnrmsldkd - what? Shoe salesman - sorry, I was struggling to converse.
"I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?"
Going to my daughter's middle school basketball game. In light of recent events, I've asked her to leave the guns at home.
How did the hipster burn their tongue? They drank their tea before it was cool.
What do you call lesbian eskimos? Klondykes
A Chinese Man Does Stand-Up Comedy What is beautiful and delicious at the same time? Pussy
[girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!
Why couldn't the t-rex clap? Because he's dead.
What's red and invisible at the same time? No tomatoes.
The price of balloons is said to rise. It's only logical with all the inflation.
The Germanwings plane was a lot like a small flame used as an ignition source You know, 'cause it was a pilot light
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
What is Paula Deens Least Favorite Pokemon? Butterfree
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome the caring and the majority.
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch
I had an arguement with a philosophy major I told him NO, I don't want avocado on my footlong!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years... Then we met.
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a homophobic walk into a bar The bartender says, "What'll it be, Senator Cruz?"
Should I Get In Trouble For Something I Didn't Do... Student: Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do? Teacher: No of course not! Student: Oh, OK great. I didn't do my homework...
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim. edit: (works best if said out loud)
Where is the bathroom for I.T people located? At the I pee address.
How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant? She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
Hey, how many people do you think are dead in that cemetary Dad: "Hey, how many people do you think are dead in that cemetary Me: "It's gotta be a couple thousand, pop." Dad: "All of them."
My girlfriend asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships... Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
My favorite romance novels begin with "Preheat oven to 350 degrees"
Welcome to Alzheimer's Club I see a lot of new faces today
What do you get from a dollar-an-hour hooker? A lot of bang for your buck.
My daughter just said "I goed potty in the fish bowl". She is a 27 year old investment banker. Why did she goed potty there?
Diner: What's wrong with these eggs I ordered? Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.
There's a highway to hell. There's only a stairway to heaven. So a car ride downhill or an arduous climb up. Anyway, welcome to the baptism.
What did the Mexican wife say to her Husband? You'll never be president, Jeb.
Americans may pull guns but Canadians.... ..may pull leaves.
Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a  telephone pole? A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa" - the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.
My sister didnt think I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pastah'
I met my exgirlfriend while I was attending college... ... I went to the local community college, but she went to the Christian University of North Texas which explains a lot.
Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You're now the restaurant.
Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedo... ...not me though, I live next door to two stunning 8 year olds.
Was driving today and I saw some chick texting and driving... Pissed me off so much I threw my beer at her.
What's an Arab's favorite car? Citroen C4
Still mourning the horrible death on 12/5/2013 Yesterday, a great man died. His name was Todd Mills, the inventer of the Doritos Locos Taco.
U.S healthcare Bam
Who built King Arthur's round table? *Sir Cumference*
Dad is in the bath when his son walks in and asks what's that between your legs dad. He replies that's my hedgehog son. The son replies it's got a big cock for a hedgehog
Look at the name 'Morgan Freeman' and then TRY not to read things in Morgan Freeman's voice. See? You can't.
Donald Trump &amp; Mexican Are AT A Restaurant On The Border Mexican Grill
After his final sex-change operation, what kind of wood won't Bruce have any more? Sbruce
It's Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you're a guy.
What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident? A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. EDIT: Spelled "Tyrannosaurus" incorrectly.
If your parents say, "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up", remind them that they'll have to die for you to be Batman.
"I am the perfect age for this shit." -- Roger Murtaugh, age 22
How do you ruin a joke? By explaining it. Because you know, jokes are supposed to be understood implicitly, without you having to say the reason behind why the punchline is funny.
Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, "Who?"
I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells "Why you little!!!!!"
I asked my dad what he thinks of Nihilism... He said, "Does it matter?"
My most recent What's the name of the richest man in China? Cha Ching
Askreddit without the textbox.
I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.
What do you call a mushroom with a 12 in stem? A fungi to hang out with
What's Darth Vader's sister's name? Elle Vader. *Badum tsssss*
[oval office] SECRETARY: (shrieks) there's a dead rat on my desk! PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
i hate when you meet new friends and you don't know how comfortable you can be with them. like will she get offended if i talk about the D
What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs? Women
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny.
if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn't do it too because cats can land on their feet they'll be fine
(Xpost Antijokes) Check yourself before you wreck yourself... ...with dick cancer. Happy Movember. http://us.movember.com/mens-health/
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a "corn maze" and not a "maize maze."
I was going to join the Preoccupy New York protests... but I have better things to do.
Damn girl, are you the sun? Because looking directly at you hurts my eyes.
What do blind trains read? Raile!
What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Dam
I got a Wu ton... Wu tang futon
Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me today Luckily my injuries were mostly super fish-oil.
LPT: If at first you don't succeed Repost in another sub
how do you kill two priests toss a small boy between them and watch them fight to the death. The winner has to fight Michael Jackson
By all means, get married. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
What Would Darth Hitler Say to His Son? Look, I am your Fuhrer.
Two gay cowboys: "Y'up?" "Yup."
What was Marie Curie's fitness program on the airwaves called? Radio-Activity
A vegan, a Crossfitter and an atheist walk into a bar.. I know this because they told everyone within two minutes.
If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
My chiropractor is open on Martin Luther King Day, which makes me wonder... does he value back history over black history?
Small town waitresses have either been there for 26 years or it's their first day.
Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.
Finding a girlfriend is like finding a parking lot, Only the handicapped ones are left.
What's another name for a Jew? A sneeze.
What is the speed limit during sex? 68; once you get to 69 you have to stop and turn around.
"How many televised singing competitions are too many?" "I don't know, let's find out!" - Television executives
What's the difference between a black man and happiness? You can't buy happiness!
What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting? You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
Do transformers buy car or life insurance?
My friend asked me if goldfish suffer from depression i said "Yes, but very briefly..."
New Year's Resolution- Date more models... Edit: Date more Edit: Date again LAST Edit: Stop crying while masturbating
What do 9/10 people enjoy? Gangrape
Your momma's so fat, she's like the negative cosine of X... They both go down after pi
Did you hear about that new space mosque? It's Allah this world!
Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.
I committed a petty theft today... The cops took me in on charges for a salt and battery.
What did the Jihadist say when he had explosive Diarrhea? ALLAHPOO AKBAR!
Why can't a Blonde make Kool-Aid?? She can't fit the two cups of water into the tiny packet.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976  presidential race. ANSWER: The American people.
what is worse than the holocaust 6 million jews
I wish I had a dolphin tail so I could live with the sharks I'd be a beautiful mermaid girl in deep blue ocean
Seems like /r/jokes likes puns about penises... Hey, I won't dick-scriminate.
PRO TIP: Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I'm worse off than you
My sex life and gaming life are pretty similar. I play a lot of single player.
What do you call 5 black guys having sex with each other? A threesome
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched? ... CIA: They're*
Im so poor... That my new years resolution is 144p
Whats the difference between a black guy and a bench? The bench can support a family.
What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!
Critics of Islam are advocating the use of pages of the Quran as toilet paper which brings into question ones own wisdom for whipping ones arse with bullshit.
Why didn't Ken ever get Barbie pregnant? because he always came in another box.
Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.
Everyone on reddit seems to want a secular Turkey... My fat ass just wants a succulent one.
What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler? An athlete succeeds in ending a race.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
RT if you've followed someone on twitter and then realized you hate them.
Sad news from the Nestle chocolate factory. A man was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolate. Apparently every time he shouted: "The Milky Bars are on me!" his workmates just cheered.
Two Canadian hunters were driving through the  country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
Always put your best foot forward. Unless you're wearing Crocs, then neither foot is your best.
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup........ MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [Works best IRL](/spoiler)
Yo mamas pussy is so nasty... they make you eat it on Fear Factor.
what do you call a gay guy on roller skates? Rolaids
What are a musician's favourite letters? P and O.
What happens when you put a condom inside another condom? Conception
Q: What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert? A: No thanks, I'm stuffed.
The time traveler was still hungry after his meal... So he went back four seconds.
the turkey takes his mask off it's edward snowden obama groans, it's too late to unpardon him now
What was the main difference between the war in Vietnam and the war in Iraq? George Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.
What's green and chokes superheroes? (NSFW) The Hulk's cock
What does a man with a 10-inch penis eat for breakfast? I had a bagel.
Whats the difference between a Jew and a boy scout Boy scouts come home from camp
What holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
A great alternative to Tinder is entering every room screaming, "Does anyone want to bang?!" It also has more dignity.
Someone took my spine and replaced it with theirs. I want to get my own back.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple.
The espresso bar tech visited today... They adjusted my grind, turned up the heat, and blew out my steam wand.
There are two secrets to success 1. Never tell anyone all of your secrets 2.
Do you know what that white shit in bird shit is Shit...
I often ask myself, what would Jesus do?... ... then I realize I don't have time to just hang around all day.
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust
Why does wally wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
9/11 was a national tragedy. So is 11/9.
Before you get into an argument with someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when the argument starts you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Hillary Clinton's autobiography should be called, "Sisterhood of the traveling pants suit".
Whats the worst part about a threesome? Watching your parents fuck
I doubt this is what the financial advisors meant when they told Lays to... adjust for inflation.
Say what you will about drag queens... but they get into more woman's pants than I do.
How does Moses make his coffee? He brews it
Girl: "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Guy: "Both, now get in the van."
All those who proclaim that a dog is man's best friend, Have never played with a pussy.
Husband's early morning farts sound like they end with a question mark. The answer is "No."
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GcvgsWkSY8
My girlfriend wanted a joule... unfortunately I am out of Fs.
Doctor Doctor I'm a burglar ! Have you taken anything for it ?
What do you find up a clean nose? Finger-prints.
I don't really like to exercise. To get my heart rate up, I hand my phone to someone else to borrow while I leave the room for 5 minutes.
D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state. If congress passes it we only need 2 more states to get to 53 which is a prime number. Then we will truly be one nation, indivisible.
LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight. When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun
The two most horrific words on the internet are "Begin Slideshow."
Why do a German soldier's hands never get cold? Because they've gott mit-uns
Which actor is best suited for a programmer role? Dev Patel.
I live in a bizarre future where a featureless black slab suddenly starts glowing in order to inform me that the world likes my jokes
What can you add to any food to make it taste better? The word "free"
Girl: I want bangs Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Apparently 1 in 3 households live next door to a pedophile Not me though, I live next to two smoking hot 7 year olds.
A 4 year old boy examined his testicles... while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet', she replied
Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you're an idiot?
poetic injustice ITS ALWAYS BEEN A LIFELONG WISH TO MAKE LOVE TO A CONTORTIONIST AFTER YEARS OF PLAYING ALL THE ANGLES IT LOOKS LIKE I'LL NEVER BE ENTANGLED
What do you call a black man who flies a plane ? A pilot, of course.
How to get the attention of a crew of bricklayers... Yell "Eh, Tony!"
Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels
What sound does a pool make when someone you don't like jumps in? DOOOOUUUUCCCCHHHEEEEEE!
What did the memory say to the processor? If you apply a voltage to me, I'm going to flip a bit!
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
How does Moses get his coffee? He buys it from Starbucks...
Why do my eyes hurt? Because I got eye lashes.
Why couldn't the NSA leave their houses? They got Snowden.
"I < 3 You" means I'm smaller than 3 of you.
All I've learned from reading Yelp reviews is that everyone's a tiny little tyrant who thinks they're the most important person in the world
My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves
I got a boner at a funeral today... It was mourning wood
Guys, be sensitive. Fat people have feelings too. Usually hunger, shortness of breath, insecurity and itchiness in unreachable places.
My wife likes to quote Soundgarden during sex. "Won't you come"
Which beer did the flower drink that made it realize that it was smarter when it was young? Budweiser
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
See someone you know in a store..... "WHAT'S UP MAN!!" Walk around and see them again..... Nod your head & slight wave See them a third time.... Avoid all eye contact.
Whenever I cut a zucchini I like to pretend that I'm the Hulk's rabbi.
Hey commercials, thanks anyway but we're poor.
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find her? Because she's Transparent.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAAND EYYEEEEEEEE
I'm fairly certain that most of us are one full gas tank away from bankruptcy.
If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel.
I meant to take Tylenol PM, but I accidentally took Tylenol PMS I just think it's funny how you guys only care about me when you want upvotes. Whatever. I'm fine.
I wouldn't say my wife was fat....... .....but she wore a white dress to the cinema last night and they showed the film on her back!
"I need you to tie my poop together." "What? You've gotta be kidding me!" "No, I shit, you knot."
Did Ilean ever get in touch with you? "Ilean who?" I lean over and you kiss my ass!
"What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?" -- inventor of Autocorrect
Geese just call them bumps.
How do you stop an alien invasion? You build a wall.
I've never been pleased to meet anyone.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Sweatpants and a hoodie: Sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it.
a beer at yankee stadium is like a monthly mortgage payment in any other state
If you can't win an argument, correct their grammar.
I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
What's the difference between Joan Rivers' face and Kate Upton's tits? 5000 views
I went to see an evening of vegetables doing stand-up last night. It wasn't to my taste though - too many crudites
I hate bipolar jokes... They're hilarious.
For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.
*goes in bank with finger guns* This is a robbery! "no one'll take you seriously-" *switches to double barrel finger guns* "do what he says"
My Friend once tried his hand at stand-up comedy My friend once tried his hand at stand-up comedy.It was so pathetic that everybody just laughed at his jokes.
ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, "So, I was sitting there eating this salad..."
Did you here about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.
From the pilot during his welcome message:  "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the  industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
What do you call it when you poop and masturbate at the same time? Two turds with one bone
I'm being sued by some atoms I think the court case will go fine, though. The judge knows they make everything up.
I had sex with a chicken last night. It turns out the chicken came first, after all.
Why didnt the asian block a punch coming to his face? He couldn't see it coming
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks !
I've got a good one, but make sure you're indoors before you read it. It's an inside joke.
Went to a skipping competition I didn't really want to, but I got roped in
My friend has a thing for sinking ships They go down quicker.
A 4th grade kid walks into the kitchen Kid: Mom I have the biggest penis in class. Is it because I'm black? Mom: No its because you're 17.
If you went camping and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone? If not, do you wanna go camping?
Not so funny short joke What is the difference between falling from the 1st floor and from the 10th floor? 1st floor : Splat, aaaaaahhh 10th floor: aaaaahhhh, Splat
Why did the invisible man look in the mirror? To make sure he still wasn't there.
Surgeon: I'm unable to perform this surgery. I've only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
People who know me say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
What's more awkward than getting a boner in public? Your girlfriend getting a boner in public.
Someone told me testimony is unreliable I don't believe them.
If I win the Powerball, I'm going to make golf illegal.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who masturbate... And fucking liars.
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
I yelled "STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!" & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
What do you call someone who gets sexually excited by the American Standard Code for Information Interchange? An ASCIIphile.
Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do? - A: Light mouse work.
Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear
I'm going to see Jimi Hendrix perform next week! At least, that's what my doctor told me...
Asked my magic 8 ball if I should turn my lights off or not... It said "ON"
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? Ones a goodyear and the others a great year.
What did Russia say to Ukraine after the conflict was over? Cry me a peninsula.
Damn girl, is it just me, Or did I just damn you to hell for the sake of pick up line?
Top billiard player retires There are no queues.
"Are you pulling my leg?" "No, why?" "It just dropped off." "Well, don't wake it up."
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail. JK It was me.
What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jews.
If you get a boner at a funeral is it still called mourning wood?
Who is the dogs favourite comedian ? Growlcho Marx !
A woman isn't really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I'm so excited! What are you trying to buy? Me: oh I can't afford anything, I'm hoping to be trampled to death
Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature
Beauty is in the Eye of the: A) Holder B) Holder C) Holder D) Holder
What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You house back, your wife back, your dog back, your truck back...
Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him. Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.
*sinks into depression* Depression: "Wrong hole."
Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding? It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I'm pretending it's the sound of his body bag.
Can you "pray away" asparagus pee?
Just saved a ton of money on my car insurance... By switching to reverse and leaving the scene.
Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We'll wait
I keep trying to e-mail Mubarak, but all I get is "Out of Office".
Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you're on a swing?
I think it's adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.
What did the zombie farmer say he wanted? Grrraaaaiiinnns...
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alvin ! Alvin who ! Alvin zis competition - just vait and see!
Neighbor: Awww! She's adorable! What is she? Me: A dog. Duh. Neighbor...
Knock knock! Who's there? Police. Police who? Police open the door -- I forgot my lunch!
Why'd the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.
Did you see that Walmart will be closing about 500 stores by the end of the year...? It's going to put about 12 cashiers out of work.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 4 year old.
How come Mr. and Mrs. Claus don't have any kids? Because Santa only cums once a year and its down the chimney!
What's the object of Jewish football? Get the quarter back.
What drinking game is Hillary Clinton best at? Flip Cup (coin)
knock knock jokes!!!!!!!!!!!! knock knock who's there? hugh hugh who? huch need to listen to me!
How do you catch a dyslexic fish? Ya get it Hooked on Phonics!
TIL... Tomorrow I learned that Steve Buscemi was a volunteer firefighter on Sep....
What's the difference between erotic and kinky? It's erotic if you use a feather, but it's kinky if you use the whole chicken!
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Life is so unfair. Why does eating make you fat? Killing people should make you fat. Being an asshole should make you fat. GOD WHY EATING??
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra
To anyone who says white people can't jump... You obviously haven't seen footage of 9/11.
He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said "What is wrong with it?" "It's swollen."
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Why does the left foot get all the blame if you're a poor dancer? "Oh, you have two left feet. Hur hur hur" I guess it is #rightprivilege
How do you starve a black person? The same way you starve a white person you racist piece of shit
A tiny bucket asks to leave work early because he's sick His boss looks him over. Alright you can, i notice you are a little pail.
Q: What's the range of an accordion? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
You know that you're not a child anymore when... you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.
Why can't anyone stay angry long with an actress? Because she always makes up.
Two Nuns are Bike Riding Through Town... One looks to the other, says, "I've never came this way before!", to which she replies "Yeah I know! It's gotta be the cobblestones."
I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
Two cannibals are eating this guy.... One of them ask, "So, you having fun?". The other one says "Yeah. I'm having a ball."
My girlfriend called me a misogynist today That's a big word for a female.
What band performed at the Jefferson memorial? Nickelback
So a guy walks into a punchline... The punchline-tender says, "Why the dumb joke?"
I cried when one day when my dad decided to chop onions for dinner... I miss onions, he was a good dog.
Jehova's witnesses don't celebrate halloween I guess they just don't appreciate random people coming up and knocking on their doors.
I'd be worried about my privacy settings on Facebook too if I had as many pictures of my ugly baby as you do.
What does a lion at the beach have in common with Christmas? (as told by my first grade daughter) They both have Sandy Claws. BOOM!
A fart is the only bodily function which has its own punctuation. The skid mark.
What do you call a Native American girl that is really good with directions? A Navajo.
People say ambidextrous people contradict themselves. On the other hand, I disagree.
Happy new year!! Brrrrrr it's cold outside... It has to be the coldest day of the year!!!
How Can Athiests Make Money and Get Free Food? By working at an abortion clinic.
I farted in front of my Jewish friend... He glared at me. I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"
Why can't you ever really trust your toilet? It's usually full of shit.
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant ? About 3000 miles !
I painted my computer black.. I thought it would run faster, but now it just stopped working.
Yo momma's so white... When she passes through a prism more prisms come out
How is a gay man like a tumbleweed? They blow and blow and blow until they end up stuck on a fence in Wyoming.
What is it called when a black man murders his friends? Homiecide
Joan Rivers is just like Soldier Field... She used to be a National Historical Landmark before all of the modifications.
Why did the cow get a job at Google? Because she was out standing in her field.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why. Edit: I'm thrilled at the response! I should say this is an original joke from British comedian Chris Turner.
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.
Just put my phone on airline mode. That's when it delays your texts for no reason & acts like it's doing you a favor when it does send them.
Why didn't Edward leave Russia? Cause he was snowden.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog
T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test? T: No I have other student's stuff to grade S: I have other teacher's homework to do.
You know why Miss Piggy can't count to 70? She gets to 69 and has a frog in her throat. Edit
How do you kill a redneck? Wait until he's fucking his sister, then cut the brakes on his house.
Two fish were sitting in a tank... One turns to the other and says "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a one night stand with a robot? Nut and bolt
If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.
My german shepard doesn't like dog food, so we have that in common.
A haiku i wrote Roses are red and Violets are fucking violet You ignorant cunt
This vacuum has amazing suction but no respect for my safe word.
Like my grandpa Clint Eastwood used to say, it's never too late to adopt a fake name to impress girls.
What do you call a cow that can't make milk? An udder failure!
George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary! His voting machines didn't really give me a choice.
Jared Blames Weight loss for his paedophillia. He could finally catch them.
It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.
3 guys walked into a bar to watch football... none of them knew what was going on.
Why don't black people pay rent? Because jail is free.
Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.
Science builds airplanes &amp; skyscrapers... ...and faith brings them together.
What's a redditor's favorite form of math? substitution
A buddy had a lawn mower accident and died after getting the ends of his feet cut off. Doctors diagnosed him as lack-toes intolerant
So how is your sushi? Meh, it's all rice.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his shovel? His name was Douglas
Why did the sloths vote to keep the coal mines open? Because when it comes to energy they're conservative.
Why does the dyslexic Spanish speaker have a poor self image? His chemistry teacher told him he was mostly made of cabron.
Winter is natures way of telling you to polish.
Did you know there's a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That's not true. I'm sorry.
How many introverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?!
Saw some kids building sandcastles on the beach so I ran and jumped on one of them. Then I wrecked his sandcastle.
Customer: What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup? Waiter: Probably learning to read.
When People Tell Me to Get a Life I take theirs.
I made a couple mistakes during puberty I dropped the ball two times during it.
Why do you never see black people on cruise ships? Because they won't fall for the same trick twice
What has two legs and screams... half a dog.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you're from Long Island, New York
[first day as a midwife] ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head! NURSE: You're at the wrong end.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
How to kiss: 1-open your mouth 2-wider 3-wider 4-unhinge jaw 5-summon the Dark Overlord
A weasel walks into a bar And asks for a beer. The bartender says "we can't serve alcohol to you." "I'll just take a pop" goes the weasel.
Beneath that furry exterior your cat has at least 6 neck tattoos.
Doctor &amp; Patient F Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Know how I know I am getting laid tonight...? Because I am stronger than you.
I want to give a shoutout to sidewalks For keeping me off the streets.
Dogs are terrible hosts They get angry if you try to use their bathroom.
My new year's resolution is to be more grammary and stop making up words.
a girl poop says to a boy poop "ew, did you just fart?" "no we both smell like shit remember cause were poops"
What did the cow say to the slaughterhouse worker? You want some beef?
I am "cool" and "chill" and "stuck inside the walk in freezer."
Where do poor meatballs live? the spaghetto
July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun. On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
What do they do at a prom for a school of the mentally disabled? Slow dance.
"You know what would make this rice even better? Racism." - Pitch meeting for Uncle Ben's
If you don't get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.
Judge: Did you commit murder? Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment. Judge: hahaha! Me: hahaha! Judge: Life.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing* I...I've never felt...SO ALIVE! *holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pear. P.s. got this joke in a cracker. If anybody gets it can you please explain it. My family is stumped.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn't seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Utilizing your Miranda rights... POLICE: Anything you say will be held against you... BOY: Titties.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
CHILDREN &amp; CARS Children in the backseat can cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
Yo Mama so fat, when she takes a shower her feet don't get wet!
Why did the man get kicked out of the "Russian" bar? Because he walked in.
I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a convicted serial sex offender? Convicted
Childhood is like getting drunk.. ... everyone remembers what you did except you.
How do you get an elephant on a train? You take the "S" out of sub, and the "F" out of way. [Say it out loud]
New health study on the psychology of midgets Shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald's would be doing it.
Why did Hitler lose the war? Because his tanks wouldn't stop Stallin'.
I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
A man once became addicted to cocaine from foreign countries. He spent all his money to travel and sample the evil drug in all parts of the world. Thankfully, he stopped once he hit the Finnish line.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead. Head. I meant to say head.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Taking my 4 year old to see Straight Outta Compton. I can't remember ever being this excited for a movie that's rated G.
You have the perfect face for radio.
A proton walks into a bar and orders a dr pepper no ice The bartender replies with "are you positive?"
I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Single? Give your sexual partner a Valentine's Day treat by having a manicure.
I don't like rape jokes... they feel kinda forced.
What is the first rule of eating a banana? One. Never look someone in the eyes. What is the second rule? Two. Never look up.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I'm not racist at all against black people because... ...every house should have one.
I don't know why everyone dislikes catholics... They are putting so much into the youth.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? WANNA RIDE BIKES???
I can't get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn't 20 ... And in college.
Your momma is so stupid That her adult child is still reading and downvoting Yo momma jokes.
What do Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder have in common? They're both NIGGERS!!!
I thought I had lice. Then I remembered I was in an Asian restaurant.
Math joke Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.
-I love you! -Me too! -You too what? -What you said -What did I say? -That -Say it -What? -I want u to say it -Well -and? -what? -Say it -it
I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub. I got error 404 file not found :(
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire HIM: i meant like- ME: everyone claps
"Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you're gonna need reservations." -Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
What do you call a lightbulb that holds the door for you? A polite bulb.
What do you call Brienne's Dad? Tarth Vader.
What do nine out of ten people enjoy? A gangbang.
How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player? Ask them what OP stands for.
What do you call a phobia of machetes? Common sense
A muslim guy greeted his friend on an airplane. They were both detained. His friend named Jack.
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat? One. It's a trick question.
If you watch "The Empire Strikes Back" backwards it's about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad's identity he starts hitting on his sister
I'm not the jealous type. I wish I was, though.
Why did the cat get arrested for playing a violin? Because it was a kitty fiddler.
Waiter waiter! There's a wasp in my dessert. So that's where they go to in the winter.
I shouldn't type Reddit posts on my phone. The autocorrect is my worst enema.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have? Me: Don't feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Two zombies were playing a game of poker The first one threw his hand in the pile and the other laughed his head off.
I asked a chick I met where the white women at? She told me they are at Old Navy.
I was called a faggot by an angry homeless woman last night. I would've been offended but I was too busy living in a home.
"Paper or pl.." ..astic! OMG we finish each other's sentences! You complete mmmm... "I'm not saying 'me'" ME! OMG we did it again! "..."
What's a butcher's favorite city? Cleaveland
Oh dear... I should get out of the way, he's probably trying to catch a bad guy. -me getting pulled over
"They call me Mr Six Hours," I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
How many RothChilds does it take to change a light bulb? There still working on it...
My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
Why married guys are fat A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there; he goes to bed. A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there; he goes to the fridge.
My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus
Legs spread faster than lies these days
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is  reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Why Eiffel Tower is so high? So the white flag can be visible from Berlin. Sorry :P .
An unofficial source at the USDOT just informed me that Yesterday was he most car-accident free day in US recorded history
A man cuts a hunk of meat from his torso and cooks it in a pan. As he bleeds out, he realises: "I've made a big me-steak"
Can't trust em, y'all... http://imgur.com/gallery/OEtxUYb
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Ladies; The "JUICY" on the back of these shorts should really be on the front.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
What's the best part about going to a holocaust museum? Free fap material
Me: I need to lose my baby weight. Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest? Me: Thirteen.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that's my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
CHEAP and EASY Hack for Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self: Use 1 ply toilet paper
what tea is hardest to swallow? Reality
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M'lady. *approaches a material girl, tips hat* M'donna.
What's the most disappointing country in the Middle East? Oman
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don't have to work and pay taxes.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
What do rappers use to write their lyrics? Word,yo.
Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
Why do you never have sex with someone's ear? Because you'll give them hearing AIDS.
Modern feminism.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can't spot the douche at work today, then it's probably you.
What is brown and runny? Usain Bolt
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling "BEHOLD!"
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? neither have they...
I said hi to a feminist yesterday My court date is tomorrow
Twitter: where amateurs bring top shelf humor, and professional comedians bring amateur jokes.
How did they cure the swine flu? With oinkment.
What instrument does God play? He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."
The pirate was pretty tired... He YARwned.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists.
I invented a new word! React!
Girls go to the bathroom together because that's where we rap battle
If apples grow on an apple tree, where do chickens grow? A poultry
They found Bruce Willis dead next to a bottle of Viagra... ...I guess he *Died Hard*
Middle age is mostly getting super excited about different flavors of hummus.
When does CPR become Necrophlia? When tongue is involved.
If Dracula saw Twilight, he'd stake himself.
Waiting to see who you're sitting next to on an airplane is the original Chatroulette. Now where the hell is the next button?
My son was four when he came up with this: Knock Knock Who's there? Hulk. Hulk w.../HULK SMASH!!
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side!
My girlfriend lives on the east coast of Virginia. She's my Chesapeake Bae.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a plane and it crashes on an island. Who survives? America.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
What do religions and gender have in common? You hear about a new one every day and none of them make any sense.
What's a European immigrant's favorite high school sport? Cross country
How did the right triangle commit suicide? With a Hypote-noose
What do lovesick owls say when it's raining? Too-wet-to-woo.
I just clogged a urinal?
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Germany? Schiznitzel.
Someone told me that when there is a tornado, to hide in a location without windows. Such as a bathroom or basement. Replied that an Apple store would work as well.
A short philosophy joke... Rene Descartes is walking around a party when somebody asks him if he'd like something to drink. Descartes answers, "I think not" and promptly vanishes.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between "watch this" and "ohhhhhh shit".
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way but not cramped beyond movement."
Wife: I feel horrible; I look old, fat and completely unattractive. I really need you to pay me a compliment. Husband: Your eyesight and opinion is damn right.
There are only two types of people in this world... People who pee in the shower, and motherfucking liars.
Admit it, you smiled. What do frogs do when they are depressed? They Kermit suicide.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
Why I Un-Installed League of Legends. To pass my exams, What did you expect?
Wife's been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o's on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Don't mind me, just practicing how to make tables on reddit :---------|:---------|:--------- |Winner|loser|description
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? 'cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
[about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair
What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy? A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.
I'm writing a book about poets who have been jailed It's called prose and cons
A cat once said we must think outside of the box Because it shits in it
What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbeldon? tenish.
Father Rooney told us he figured out how to make his penis 12 inches Fold it in half.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Marie Antionette Barbie ...with removable head; guillotine included
Coffee With No Cream A guy walks into a coffee shop. Waitress: What can I get you? Guy: May I get a coffee with no cream? Waitress: Sorry, we just ran out of cream. How about a coffee with no milk?
Don't let the correct punctuation fool you; I'm basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
How do you make holy water? Fill a container and boil the hell out of it
Why is workplace sex uncommon in local government? Because they are mostly relatives.
I've spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why "mustache" & "headache" don't rhyme.
What did a young Pink Panther sing when he was playing with his magnifying glass in the back yard? Dead ant; dead ant; dead ant dead ant dead ant...
I hear Louis CK is changing his name To Louis C D
Paedophiles always have a certain look about them... Paedophiles always have a certain look about them, what is it about a beard and glasses that kids find so sexy?
What's Hitler's favorite drink? Genocider
Why should you always take at least two Baptists fishing? Because if you take one, he'll drink all your beer
Why did Johnny drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a truck!
damn girl are you a mouse because your body is decomposing in my drywall
Like "dollar," "euro" is not capitalized. Unlike a dollar, a euro can actually buy you something.
What dose a device that makes electricity and a person who likes a comment on caitlyn's face book page have in common? They are both generators (jenner-rater)
evryone shutup im trying to paper mache my dog but he keeps trying to reading the newspaper articles
My robotics company will make SexBots Gonna call ourselves *Gears of Whore*.
THE 45 DIFFERENCE A: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? B: 45 lbs. A: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? B: 45 minutes.
I wonder what appeared over Thomas Edison's head when he got the idea for the light bulb...
If you woke up alone in the woods with your pants at your ankles and a condom in your ass, would you tell anyone? Wanna go camping?
Girls are like condoms They spend more time in the wallet than on your dick.
what do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed? Some baked beans
What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito? Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
If you build a triangle with sticks. Would it be, twigernometry?
FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
It's so weird how everyone's taste buds are different, but only mine are right.
what did the drummer say to the Chinese man that called him gay? first i bang the drums then i bang ur mom
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier
Why did the goose cross the road? Because he's an asshole.
How do you a convert a number to a radical? You convert it to Islam.
How did the Norse god of mischief celebrate his birthday? With a low-key event
A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."
Here's how it is done Daniel Tosh I told a pregnant woman a joke about rape and she still got a kick out of it
"Be cool, be cool, be cool" ~me before I'm about to not be cool.
The only way I'm listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble  is he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves  himself.
[karate tournament] coach: Billy sweep the leg! me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head! *Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
What are the unspoken rules of sign language? All of them
What was the gay Swedish guys favorite thing to do? Give Swedish handjobs.
Me: It's been 3 years, but I'm finally making progress on my book. Friend: You're writing a book? Me: No. I meant the book I'm reading.
Congress is like autocorrect It causes more problems then fixing them.
I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I'm worried that I've got testicular cancer.
What's ten inches long, has a bright purple tip, and made my wife cry when I made her eat it after jamming it up her ass? Her stillbirth.
Bill Cosby buys a really boring, run-down bar People say its so boring you might just fall asleep after one of the drinks
I love the Lion King... ...but Simba is so slow. Sometimes I wish he'd Mufasa.
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
<enter password> ikilledaman <password must contain a number> *7 hours later* ikilled2men
Diarrhea is hereditary... It runs in the jeans (genes)
A rubberball company went broke... But they bounced back
When my time comes, I'd like to die nice and peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... But not screaming in terror like his passengers.
The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.
I've been sitting here trying to think of a French joke, and I almost have one that works. Unfrotunately, it went on strike.
Pavlov's cats rule, Pavlov's dogs drool.
It was a sad day when I discovered... my new Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I'm not allowed in the Vietnamese sandwich shop anymore. They decided to banh mi for life.
Why doesn't Santa Clause have any kids? He only comes once a year
Where does Sean Connery sit? In the toilet.
As I mentally undress you my OCD kicks in and I mentally fold all your clothes.
[Walking into the gym Jan 1st] Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you're making. Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..
I posted a selfie and someone commented "Oh my! That was brave.".
Say what you will about ISIS... But you can't deny their suicide business is booming.
Dan: My little brother is a real pain. Nan: Things could be worse. Dan: How? Nan: He could be twins !
Q: What's the opposite of a somersault? A: A winter pepper.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
What's an epileptic's motto? Carpe diem.
What do you call an affectionate island? Isle of view
To anyone who has a problem with pedophiles: Grow up.
Did you hear about the man who had his entire left side removed? You could say he is all right now
[1620] We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm. *Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.
I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn't hanging out in there, too.
Said this at dinner last night. Bit creepy, but laughs were had. "He may die a virgin but he ain't gonna be buried one."
The Canadian Opera Company has announced that it will play a special concert series at the Vancouver Art Gallery. They say that this will be the first time the COC has played in the VAG.
A priest and a rabbi are in a boat they approach a bridge over the river and see a young boy standing there. The priest says to the rabbi "Should we fuck him?" The rabbi replies "Out of what?"
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
A Native American scolded me for celebrating Thanksgiving, a celebration of slaughter So I said, "you're right, it's awful what they've done to the turkeys all these years."
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
What does a Jedi use to open files? Adobe-wan Kenobi
If your body is a temple, does than mean that bald guys get to come inside you?
2 pedophiles on a bench in the park. A little girl with a lollypop walks by... p1: Oh, man, she used to be so hot back in the days!
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
What is the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick down someone's throat.
I asked a Brazil fan how many days in a week and he got angry
Waiter there is a fly in my bean soup ! Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean !
World's scariest martial art is Mexican Judo. Judo know if I got a gun, judo know if I got a knife.
What does your mother's face and a Pillar and have in common? They're both load-bearing
What's the KKK's favorite Christmas song? White Christmas.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a beer... ...the bartender says,"You know, there's a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "There's a drink named Murray?"
Wives live longer than their husbands.. because they are not married to a woman (Courtesy "Whose Line It is Anyway")
Why are C programmers poor? They don't have any inheritance. Or... Why should you not date a C programmer? They have no class.
I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don't care. She's not my real aerobics instructor.
Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. - Thanks Peter Griffin
Whats the difference between a hippie on fire and a lifetime supply of patchouli? I don't wish for a lifetime supply every time I smell patchouli.
Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa? Because it can't be taken on empty stomach
I like my beer like I like my woman Without a fucking dick in it. Fuck you Amy, fuck you
A midget clairvoyant just escaped from prison... ...police are looking for a small medium at large.
Why does 7 and 8 feel very uncomfortable? Because they're stuck between a 69.
What is a worm's favorite city in Alabama? Squirming-ham
So my math teacher asked me to do an initial value problem... ...and I said, "Y Naught?"
HUMMING BEES Q: Why do bees hum? A: They don't know the words.
If an Apple today keeps the doctor away... If an Apple today keeps the doctor away then he must be using IOS6 maps.
truth Give a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life
I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
Sh*t happens all the time , just flush and move on.
It would have been really ironic if Andy Dick's parents had named him Hugh.
There are two types of people in this world Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising.
What do 'Game of Thrones' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common? Icy dead people
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes? Pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.
Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.
My wife asked me to pass her lipbalm &amp; I gave her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me
[speaking at an AA meeting] Me: You'll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding *everyone cheers*
The best part of Hey Jude is when The Beatles realise the lyrics are terrible and think 5 minutes of na-na-na will distract us, and it does.
"Batman, we need your help in Brussels immediately." "Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."
Did you hear about the guy born without a brain? Never mind.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young  goat ? A dirty kid !
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Hillary Clinton You're* Fired!
How does a tail pipe feel after a long car ride? exhausted.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My To Do List: 1. Buy a flat screen TV. 2. Hang it on a wall. 3. Put a tub of boiling water under the TV 4. Watch "The Ring" and see tht bitch fall when she crawls outta my TV.
I hate when my phone corrects "hood morning" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
I feel old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90's.
Why did Snow White buy an android phone? She thought the apple was poisoned.
5 black people walk into a restaurant... And the first one says, "Table for three please."
I'm a lot like a midget orgy I've got a lot of short comings.
What did the policeman say to his stomach? Your under a vest
I predict the iPad's small-but-not-quite-small-enough size will be a source of great consternation for fanny pack enthusiasts.
Le Jesus Joke What is the difference between white Jesus and black Jesus... Black Jesus didn't pay for his sins :3
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time?
Mom , Mom, they call me "the Cliffhanger" in School... ... Mom: Why is that my son? Son: Because...[Walking dead Intro/outro plays loud]
What did the man with five penises say? These underpants fit like a glove!
Two lips Why do women have two lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time. ......sorry ladies of Redditing &lt;3
Donald Trump is getting back into the air travel industry... He's launching...Receding Hairlines
'1 Gingerbread man please' Sorry, they are soul out.
A young lady from my office just sent me an email saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?
Why do sharks like stoners? Because they're baked snacks.
I think you are amayonazing! I'd take it as a condiment.
Yesterday I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad at me Not my fault that they don't have windows.
Whats the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? One is a superhero the other is a simple instruction
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? America can't milk a cow for 14 years.
I thought about another woman while having sex with my wife so to make up for it... I thought of my wife while having sex with another woman.
My Boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together... I nailed it! My friend Steve figured I would of screwed it up.
My doctor diagnosed me with premature ejaculation and diarrhea. I feel like I'm always coming and going.
WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!
Alligators gonna alligate
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
The U.S. instituted a new law after a man dressed as Santa committed a felony. It was called the Santa Clause.
People shit on Columbus like they've never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.
[Burger Lounge] Server: Are you 27? Me: OMG NO I'M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY Server: I meant your order number, ma'am.
Kennedy put a man on the moon.... Obama put a man in the ladies room.
Funniest Joke Ever. Nevermind, it actually isn't that funny. Ok well... A bear and a rabbit... No no... It's not that funny. Nevermind.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left side in an accident? He's all right now.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Argo ! Argo who ? Argo down to the beach for my holidays
[OC] So I went downstairs to check the time on a clock... But it was saying 4:04: Time Not Found!
What side of a leopard has the most spots? The outside
Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig are unbelievably close friends. It's almost like they share some kind of Bond.
Someone recently asked me, "What blood type are you?".. I said , "The red runny type".
Why was the lesbian mad when she got her report card? Cause she got a D
Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can't and they don't, so here we are. Stupid land birds.
I told my mom I got in trouble at school today for a PDA.... She said, "For what? Kissing your teacher's ass?"
What's Jamaica's greatest superhero? Dreadpool
Today's life lesson: "I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake."
Two toothpicks are walking the forest. When all of a sudden a hedgehog walks by. The one toothpick says to the other, "When did this place get a bus?"
Are there any 6 foot penguins round here? Asked the stranger who just pulled up wih his truck outside a bar. "No" the barkeep replied. "Well fuck," he said, "I guess I just ran over a nun..."
A psychic midget has escaped from prison Yes, we have a small medium at large.
What would George Washington do if he were alive right now? Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
Old Texas cowboy in a pharmacy Cowboy: "Give me three packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah. She ain't that ugly.
Geology rocks
Roast Pussy sandwich http://imgur.com/BnBLkkb
I met a girl with twelve boobs. Sounds weird, dozentit?
How come Smokey the Bear doesn't have any children? Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
Pro Tip: If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I think I might be a wizard... every time I push open a door it becomes ajar.
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
A vegan, a few crossfitters and a bunch of atheists are coming over for Easter There's no joke, I just thought you all should know
LunchablesTM? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
When the Paris attacks occured, did anyone think to call Ja Rule for some answers?
My burrito brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, "Careful,everything is falling out from the other side."
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If I had two bathrooms I'd tell everyone someone died in one, I ain't tryna clean two bathrooms
Cookie. I would give you a cookie, but I took a byte out of it.
What did the toilet say to the pee? urine
What do you call someone who murders a hundred people with a potato masher? A mash murderer.
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "So it wouldn't be windy when we talked."
Well, I've got to hand it to you. -Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.
Your mother's so fat... Your father couldn't pull out in time.
The concept of Santa is great because you can give your kids crappy gifts and they only have themselves to blame.
Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.
What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India? Mumbai
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES! *2 hours later has organised a small festival* Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My friend said to me, "If I wasn't mixing cocktails, I'd be a criminal." ..... Either way, he's behind bars.
If I've ever been described as "athletic", it was probably meant as a combination of the words "athlete" and "pathetic".
What it all boils down to is evaporation.
People that over-exaggerate are the absolute worst.
What do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.
Where is the best place to hide something? The second page of search results of Google
A magician... Why did the magician always use trap doors during his act? It was juts a stage he was going through.
I don't believe in telling little girls they're beautiful. Or little boys. Anybody, really. The human body is truly disgusting.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Timex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Nobody thought Robin Williams was capable of killing himself that way... In fact, he was knot capable.
If you find me passed out in Austin this weekend with a penis drawn on my face at least have the decency to not tag me in the facebook pic.
Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist. And he says I'm fine.
*Skrillex, young and penniless, is working at a grocery store and shelving boxes of produce* *drops beets* Oh. Oh my god.
Women can't go to heaven Because God said there would be peace in heaven.
What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday  cake? Shortcake!
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
f Germany is the "Fatherland" and Russia is the "Motherland", was the Second World War a divorce case?
My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell "OMG! I'm on my way now!" & tell them my brother had a bad car accident.
Why do they say "character actress"? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat? Ya, that's arrhythmia. You can die from that.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesnt want to be spotted.
A Stormtrooper tried to commit suicide yesterday.
What do you call a biker on her period? A menstrual cyclist!
How do you comfort a grammar Nazi? "...They're, their, there."
Virgin vs. Slut What's the difference between a virgin and a slut? A virgin says "Don't! STOP!" A slut says, "Don't stop!"
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest
I like my women like I like my coffee. Big tits
I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I'd just be dead. Smart kid.
My mental health is like a rainbow All over the spectrum
What do you call a person who is missing his left eye, left ear, left arm and left leg? Alright.
What's the difference between a horse? The orange has handlebars
Viagra shipment stolen... Hardened criminals on the loose.
Tickling my girlfriend and having sex with my girlfriend are kind of the same thing. She is always laughing at me and telling me to stop
Why are indecisive miners the worst? because all day they deal with ores.
I have a hard time telling people when something is displeasing to me... I might be dys-like-sic.
Germany are welcoming refugees like war heroes because they had never had the chance to welcome the real thing. I'm mean.
Do you remember those old romantic movies where the guy would lay his coat down in a puddle for the woman? WALK AROUND THE FUCKING PUDDLE.
History: delete Pics: delete Texts: delete Kik: delete "Why yes, you can use my phone for a second."
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of "cumin".
I used to pee my pants every time i stood in front of my 3rd grade class it cost me my teaching career.
News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say. *cut to correspondent* Correspondent: This.
Sex is like cooking. Your girlfriend will be angry at you because you ate your neighbour's even though she hasn't cooked for you in weeks.
I just got sucker punched by a guy with no dick. He came out of nowhere.
Hate shaving? Cut some time out of your morning routine by leaping into the ocean and letting the tide drag you to a watery demise instead.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? No? Well, it's really nice.
How many IT techs does it take to change a lightbulb? Ticket closed: Forwarded to facilities.
*Bricks getting laid* Brick Layer: "Oh yeah! You like that shit don't you!"
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
SWJ goes to the laundromat . . . . . . . . and is appalled by everybody being ok with separating whites from coloreds.
Why do japanese have small eye slits? because nuclear explosions are so fucking bright. (i'm going to hell for this)
Called the front desk of our motel and told him "I've gotta leak in the sink." He said "That's OK, just rinse it out when you're done."
"Follow your dreams!" - someone born into money
Sex (nsfw) What is the difference between regular sex and anal sex? Regular sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your whole week.. (hole weak)
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Life is like a box of chocolates Everyone hates the dark ones
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
What's the best way to reward a fat waitress? Cow tipping.
How do you make Canadians? Fucking eh's. I'll see myself out.
Friend and I have been playing a new drinking game. We drink every time we need to mask the pain.
A willow tree walks into a bar, and a guy sitting next to the counter says to the bartender, Who's the new guy? And the bartender says, I don't know, but I've heard he's a shady character!
April showers bring May flowers... ...but Mayflowers bring smallpox.
If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Do Not Resuscitate 2) Smash Phone on Ground
Most Trump supporters favorite Disney character is the hunter who shot Bambi's mom and we all know it.
What did people say after two satellite dishes got married? The wedding was dull, but the reception was great.
I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job... it was an anti-climb axe
Man who farts in church... ... sits in own pew
*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy.
What do a tampon and a redsox season ticket holder have in common? Both have a great place to go but at a terrible time.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend. Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Yesterday I raped a deaf-mute girl... ...I ve broken her arms so she couldn t tell anyone.
What do you call a chicken with no neck? A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.
Women expose 90% of their body when wearing a bikini Men are nice enough to only look at the covered parts
What did John Muir say to get the attention of a Jewish man? "Yo, Semite!"
I went to the store the other day, and accidentally bought some anti-aging lotion. At first I was upset, but my right hand and my dick have never looked younger. Written by: Joey McDevitt
I swear, if the paper were better quality, I would wipe my ass with all these fucking reports I have to print out all the fucking time
*coughs like a maniac* *pretends to pick nose* *scratches armpit* Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.
I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I didn't pay 50 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on me.
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE 1 Ricochet 2 Retrieve, rethrow 3 Line up birds precisely 4 Huge boulder 5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
Date - "I really dig intellectuals" Me - "oh yeah? well check this out babe" [counts to 17]
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn't anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
What's furry has whiskers and chases outlaws ? A posse cat !
What kind of amphibian is in charge of the salad bar? a salad-manager
My grades are telling me to be a trophy wife but my looks are telling me to study harder.
Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
What's the best way to kill a one-legged fox? You make him run across Canada...
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Old people smell weird because They are surrounded by hundreds upon thousands of skin cells that have fallen off of their bodies over the years. Dead... Like all of their friends...
Canada got rid of the penny. It makes no cents.
(this joke is fucked)whats the difference between a baby and a water melon? When u eat a water melon you leave the skin
Using the domino's pizza tracker app seems like a great way to carjack someone you know isn't going to put up that much of a fight
Meek Mill's diss track walks into a bar... Bartender takes one look at 'em and says, "We don't serve trash."
I told my son about the birds and the bees... He told me about my wife and the mail man. I get no respect
Whats red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry
Q: How many letters 'T' are in Indiana Jones? A: 17. Ta-ta-tat'-taaa ta-ta-taa Ta-ta-tat'-taaa ta-taa-taa-taaa!
You know why I want to call you Yoda? Because yoda best thing I've seen all day
[dude is just absolutely drowning in the ocean, lifeguard sits back and smiles] i love no save november
There are three ways a man wears his hair - parted- unparted or departed
My friends say im in denial I dont know what theyre talking about. Edit: second version: Ive never even been to Egypt!
I had that nightmare again last night where I tweet 141 characters
If countries don't want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. We are efficient, and lack humor.
I had my first tweet stolen so now I understand the pain and suffering the families of kidnap victims endure. Stay strong Amy Smart.
How do you call a black man in space? Nasa first called it Albert
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP You're dehydrated [Walks on toes] Drink some water [Crawls on knees] Drink water [Lays on floor] Water- [Dies]
I'm getting so pissed off with my new psychiatrist. I'm sure he's only treating my paranoia for the money.
A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.
I bought the wife a new bag for her birthday..... Hoover works a treat now!
The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, "Remember, if you can't beat 'em  invade 'em."
There were nine sides, but after one left they got closer. We will always remember their prime, even if it is now Octogone
"Yesterday, my wife left me for my best friend" "Who is your best friend?" "Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend?" "Yesterday."
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
What do you do when you see a space man? Park the car, man.
After the news today, I went to a Chinese restaurant and made a special order... Kung Pao.
[TRIGGER WARNING] If I had a dollar for every gender... I would have 2 dollars.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Last night I was questioned by a detective, and then afterwards we had sex  EDIT: Seriously, gilded? I'm speechless
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9 and go straight to 10? Because Seven ate Nine!
Me: You're going to disagree with this statement. Wife: No I'm not.
I like my women like I like my books. With big Titles.
What do you call a Nun that bites her nails? A bad Habit. I'll see myself out.
I wasn't dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.
What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and Jesus himself? You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
Why is Jesus terrible in bed? Because it takes three days for him to rise again, and two thousand years to come twice.
I hosted an Orgy at a camp ground the other day... It was fucking in-tents
Leaving early on a Friday and saying, "Have a good weekend!" to people who have to work a full day is like dancing in front of a paraplegic.
1. Stand in sauna 2. Add 30,000 strangers 3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds 4. Repeat for 12 hours Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Please keep yelling incoherently at strangers on the internet about which candidate you think is best. This will surely change their minds
"evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window" - me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
So archaeologists found another Dead Sea Scroll... They opened it up, and read: GENESIS 1:0 "Before the beginning, there was Chuck Norris. And Chuck Norris said, 'Let there be God.'"
Masturbating while hooked up to a heart monitor can really mess with a hospital staff They never know if you're coming or going
I avoid all spoilers for the new Star Wars movie. I won't watch the trailers and... I refuse to watch the movie itself as to stay spoiler free for the rest of my life.
Dark Jokes Post your darkest joke in the comments
Solution to world hunger: food. Boom, done, next problem.
Whats the sickest piece of art? Pneumonia Lisa
Did you know this about Jared from Subway? He lost 250 pounds eating their sandwiches.
I don't know who put chairs in the elevator, but that's a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
A large robot animal attacked The Home Depot on Friday. Shoppers were frightened at the sight of the Stihl Behr.
Interviewer: So, Floyd can you give us amateurs some tips in the ring? Floyd: It's all about speed and quick reaction time- This Joke has been removed by 'Fine Brothers Entertainment'
I'd like Twitter to suggest: Since you've just unfollowed that loser, how about you get rid of some more fucking deadwood, like ......
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those that understand binary, and those that don't.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: When you slap a mosquito it will stop sucking.
What is Polands national sport? Paintball
Coffee is nature's way of saying "Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!"
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? One pulls rabbits out of hats and the other pulls habits out of rats.
HER: I'd invite you in, but I never kill on a first date ME: kill? HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect ME: we are talking out loud
Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: *moonwalks outta there*
What do you get when you mix a car and a refrigerator? A car-brrrrr-etor I'll see myself out.
If you want someone to like you never text first. If they text you then don't text back. Never, ever talk. It's the only way to make it work
He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[ocean's 11 music] So here's the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it's a cash playground boys
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like "Pick up milk" or "Pay gas bill" or "Stop wasting your life away"
So I heard the guy who invented anagrams died today... May he erect a penis.
My wife sent me to a self-assertion course.
A Doctor told a man he had chronic constipation. His response.. ''No shit!''
I wanted to reserve a copy of a new novel coming out But they were all booked
How do you keep a bunch of redditors in suspense? I'll post the punchline later.
Worst flight I've ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I'm never flying Airbnb again
complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?" "Yes, it is," came the reply. "Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."
Why couldn't the boy look at the Milky Way? He was galactose intolerant.
I would do unspeakable things for a sandwich right now, like actually get up & make one.
My boyfriend just texted me, "We need to talk." I think he's going to propose!
Why can't you use a Palestinian toilet? It's occupied.
After being hit by an airstrike from the Turkish air force, a Syrian leader was quoted as saying... "As God is my witness, I thought the Turkish couldn't fly..."
Did you hear about the kid who got his legs blown off? He's a whole two feet shorter.
I honestly didn't think it would be this difficult to resist sexting Oprah during my morning commute.
[God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they're thirsty, they GOD: Make it undrinkable.
When God eats mushrooms He has delusions of regular.
What did the stop light say to the car? Don't look I am changing
Did you hear about the guy that got trampled by the triplets? He's six feet under now.
Trump is like Hurricane Matthew The media is talking about it nonstop. Nobody knows how bad it's going to be, but you can't help shake your head at the Floridan who ignores the warning.
The person you are trying to stalk Is stalking another person.. Please wait
Jewish kid A Jewish kid walks up to his dad and asks, "Dad can I have 15 dollars?" And his dad says, "TEN DOLLARS! What do you need five dollars for?"
do bird watchers not know about tv
What did the elephant say to the horn-less rhino? "Rhino horn?"
It is Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend ...and I'm just thankful that I'll have ebola turkey soup and not ebola the deadly disease.
Why cant russians drive stick? Because they are always Stalin!
I wonder if back street boys have there own lunch room? a Bac-a-teria.THANK YOU ,THANK YOU VERY MUCH LADIES AND GERMS.
Where can you find best mother fuckers? In league of legends  ~silver elo
What's the difference between a chocolate bar, and a cop? One will kill your dog, the other's a chocolate bar.
Two men walk into a bar... *Thwack* *Thwack* Both are sent to the hospital for concussions
What do you call a mean general? General Average
Being on Twitter is like being at a party in that I say stuff to myself and sometimes people listen
" I saw Lisa today... Dats hilarious!"
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
"zombies aren't real zombies aren't real zombies aren't real zombies aren't real" - me, walking my dog at night
Just had curried pelican for lunch... Not bad, but the bill was enormous.
I'm working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego
Crocodile breaks into Florida store, steals sports drinks. It was a Gator-raid.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
What sound does a Chinese cat make? Mao
Whenever someone says, "I had the weirdest dream last night!" I interrupt, "I had dreams once..." and stare at a wall until they leave.
Saying Java is good because it works on Windows, Linux and Mac OS is like saying... Anal sex is good because it works on men, women, and animals.
So my friend said to ex girlfriend "Please dont throw me under the bus" I replied " Ya thats right throw her under the subway"
What's the difference between Hitler and a bowl of soup? A lot of things, can you really not tell the difference?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don't understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
There should be way more poetry about cheeseburgers.
If someone doesn't realize their blinker is still on after one minute their car should explode.
once tom cruise and will smith bumped into each other.. and this is how online scams get your attention
What's the difference between a violin and a viola? The viola takes longer to burn.
me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?
funny joke I thought my son would be happy that I bought him a trampoline. But ohhhh noooo, all he wants to do is sit around and cry in his wheelchair.
A priest and a rabbi walk into congress Te priest turns to his friend and says "is this some kind of joke?"
Girls on GoneWild Q: Why do girls on gonewild wear panties? A: So that their ankles would keep warm
What did the Nazi Police Officer Give to the Schoolchildren? SWAT Sticka's!
How can a man go 7 days without sleeping? Sleep at night
A dyslexic man walks into a bar Ouch, says the arab
Did you know Hitler didn't like to eat meat? He was a vegetaryan.
Guess What My Friend Said Once They Discovered The Existence of Gravitational Waves? Friend: Good, now they will make microwaves that cook my chicken fingers faster. Say what now?
Dear sneeze, if you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick... Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.
Workout Tip: Be paid millions of dollars to star in a superhero movie.
what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Hellifikno
"Hi I can't remember the name of this actress.You know her, she's in that movie you saw. She's got that hair." -actual message from my mom
A sweet treat. I find my sex life is a lot like Nutella. Everyone loves it and has it all the time, and I'm just sitting in bed alone with a box of Ritz crackers.
There was a First Sergeant in the Army who didn't want to get a promotion.... ...Now he has a major problem.
I saw a transvestite... wearing a T-shirt that said "Guess". Source: Demetri Martin. Person.
Billy's father walked in to find him masturbating... "Son stop doing that, or you'll go blind one day!" "I'm over here, dad!"
What do you call a bread place that doesn't make any money? A Naanprofit!
Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door His girlfriend is dead against it.
What's a Jawa's favorite salad dressing? ....TAHINI!!!
I like my women like I like my butter In a box, in a fridge.
Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture? The Ottoman Empire.
What's Bill Cosby's New Favorite Snack? Jail-O
What do bricks and Latinas have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans...
My favourite position in bed...... The side nearest the socket so i can play with my phone while it's charging
Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!
What's better than a gold medal at the Paralympics? Working legs.
Why don't blind people go skydiving... It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Hillary demands that Trump release his tax returns Trump says - I'll email them to you.
Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine.
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there," we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
First date - I'll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge Tenth date - I'll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.
My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he's ok with it when he finds out.
A CHICKEN AND AN EGG A chicken and an egg walked into a hotel room. 20 minutes later the chicken came out smoking a cigarette and said, "Well, I guess that solves that question."
Why do black people get hit by cars more during winter time? Because they're easier to spot
I married what some might call a "trophy wife"... Unfortunately, she wasn't 1st place.
Whats Harry Potters favourite way of getting down a hill? walking. JK ROLLING
What do you call a tornado holding a spork? The Mersenne Twister.
I call my penis "newborn baby" Because sometimes I have to slap it repeatedly to bring it to life.
fat girls with small boobs are the reason i have trust issues
Limericks eh? There once was a student named Clouse Who proclaimed to the boys of his house I will take a firm stand That a tit in the hand Is much better than two in the blouse
Why were the twin towers disappointed? They ordered pepperoni and all they got was plane.
Why did the midget laugh while walking across the field? Because the grass tickled his balls.
Never trust volleyball players with your drinks They might spike 'em.
Why wasn't Skrillex allowed on the fishing trip? He keeps dropping the bass
I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream.
44 of my Facebook friends changed their profile pictures. My life is fucking insane.
'Tell me you want me' he ordered. 'I want you' she said. 'Now tell me you need me.' 'I need you' she sighed. She hated calling tech support.
What's the difference between Belgian waffles and American waffles? Belgium waffles crumble in the hands of German.
What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers? Khan-diments.
chuck norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
What do you call a person who supports abortion yet believes it's murder? A psychopath.
Apple Products My friend asked me why I don't like Apple products. Told her that the cables remind me of my ex-gf, white and kink-free.
What do you call a lazy sandstone? A sedentary rock.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears? A buccaneer!
TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwich Whoops....wrong sub.
My girlfriend asked me to get her something that made her look sexy. I got drunk!
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today :(
Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.
In which sport does one white guy push around a bunch of colored guys? All of them!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train] [They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board] SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I was shocked to see how much vibrators cost these days... My wife must be sitting on a fortune.
A man is following the Oregon Trail. He meets a man named Terry... "Terry? What a stupid name!" Terry killed him. He died from dissin' Terry.
WIFE: what's the name of that girl you work with? ME: which girl? WIFE: the pretty one ME: I feel like this is a trap
/u/ShittyJokeExplainBot , explain yourself.
I'm starting a new abortion clinic and naming it... Scrambled Eggs.
"Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words
I'm doing well on my New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds I only have 15 more to go.
why public hairs not gone white ?
No matter how hard I tried to push the envelope... It was still stationery.
A girl asked me if I had AIDS... I said: "Uh, I don't think you can get that from a goat."
i went to the doctor and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
My son, you were thrown out of school today for letting a girl jerk you off. Son, that's three schools this year... Maybe teaching isn't for you.
Did you hear the one about the three eggs? Too Bad.
What is the difference between Coors Light and a lake? The can
Whoever named the seesaw probably didn't get another chance to name stuff.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
When I die, I hope it's doing something I hate. That way I'll be glad I'm dead.
You need glasses when you do maths Because it helps with division. -Barbara from Rooster Teeth
How many ears does Leonard Nimoy have? 3. A left ear, a right ear, and the final frontier.
What did Bernie Madoff say to Bernie Sanders? I'll take your money!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling 'thanks for the free shave loser!'
What was Hitler's favorite breakfast cereal? Reich Crispies.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A brazilian
The barista can't deal with the man's 'Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee' shirt. Her mouth opens, then closes. The line grows.
So you need Andy Reid to take you to the airport for an international flight... lol you didn't learn anything from 2004?
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute. her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"
Everyone is constantly trying to be interesting & that's why we're all so boring
I don't care what you think of me. James Blunt thinks I'm beautiful.
What did Geoffrey Dahmer say..... What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit? Are you going to eat that?
Here's a fact about bees: They don't give a shit about your petty little problems. They've got a fucking job to do. Time is honey.
I'm gonna insert "comedian" in my bio and have my picture taken on a stage with a microphone in my hand so no one will follow me back.
Why are the best bellydancers all Arabs? Because they can sheik it.
In my final years of education, I lost my virginity to my teacher I was home schooled
I'm gonna color my hair ... or dye tryin'
According to an old Irish saying... Summer is the best day of the year
In American politics, what's important is that you pick one of two equally bad sides and defend it no matter the awful garbage it produces
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought "damn so easily entertained" then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
What's the best thing about being a jew...... You don't have to smoke weed to get baked.
God: done? Noah: yea G: whats this Noah proudly: a swing set G: u built a park. I asked for an ark N: a what? G: a boat N: say boat then
Why did Suzie fall down the stairs? I pushed her
The problem with speaking the truth is.. ..you assume others do too
'the red wedding was my favorite part' -- drone operator
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I'm like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Why is the Jewish 'April fools day' celebrated in July? Jew lie
What do Zero and Nil have in common? Absolutely nothing
Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
A pithy Mexican enters a store... and he said: "two bags of chips, pork flavor!"
Q: Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible? A: Where Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Google search history: Marawana Marjawana Is there a j in marawana Wheat Wheat for smoking Free wheet
Which star do the dinosaurs like best? The one that keeps getting bigger
It's not generic enough. ~Producers of American sitcoms
Breaking up on Twitter: It's not @you it's @me.
Shout out to amphibians. Swimmin' swimmin' swimmin' then BAM! walkin' walkin' walkin'
Has anyone here ever tried Ethiopian food? They haven't either.
How did pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood? His hand caught fire.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Who do ghosts worship? Boo, DUH!!!
Ronda Rousey lost a fight last night.
I decided not to have any children. I kid you not.
being single in apartments is the best cos you can listen to couples fight all the time. so comforting. like being inside during a storm
So this blonde, rabbi, and priest walk in to a bar... ...and the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That's 80s parenting.
What is small, red and square? A small red square.
What do West Africans eat for breakfast... E-bowla Cereal What do east Africans eat for breakfast? Nothing...
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
The Suicide Hotline is Unbearable They always leave people hanging.
My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar..
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care!
What did the terrorists say after blowing himself up before getting to his destination? Too soon?
Zombies What is a zombies' favorite food? Brains. What is a dyslexic zombies' favorite food? Brians.
KNOCK KNOCK Who's there? I'm I'm who? Hi Who, I'm Daniel
Evening news is where they begin with Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the game? Because all the fans left
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Remember, ladies, when you're taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
What kind of eggs do Canadians prefer? Grade eh?
What's worse than a polar bear? A bi-polar bear.
You probably didn't hear about the power outage in New York City... I think the news should have shed more light on it.
Perfect pickup line No, baby, those aren't warts, I'm just ribbed for your pleasure.
What type of plant can you use to make phone calls? A telefern
[cat support technician] Me: So you're here to fix my computer? Cat: *nods* Me: Great, here it is. Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Which medical specialty is dedicated to fingering your bum? Anusteaseology.
4 lawyers died in a car crash. Oops, sorry, wasn't supposed to put the punchline in the title.
It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.
Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can shit in you aren't dressed up
My friend told me that i don't understand irony... Which was ironic, because we were at a bus stop at the time.
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib? A: A snowmobile!
Russian history: 5 word edition And then things got worse.
A favorite at parties To a large group: "What do you say to a man with a one inch penis?" "How's it going, [name of group member]?"
What effect does global warming have on Pennsylvania? It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Raise your right arm before you click. *tickle tickle tickle*
Moratorium on the word "Awkward." We're all awkward. We fart when we don't want to and that guy/gal over there is cooler. Get over it.
I'm sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn't really know what to do with either of them.
When John Wayne died, he had 40 pounds of fecal matter in his intestines. It sounds like a lot of shit, but it's true.
[interview for waiter position] Manager: "So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?" Stegosaurus: "You're kidding me right?"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chrysalis ! Chrysalis who ? Chrysalis the cake for you !
Why was the dog banned from the redwood forest? He was barking up the wrong tree.
[god, creating ducks] Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know
Adrian Peterson regrets leaving marks on his son after the spanking... ... and that's the bottom line.
A lady said I was catching up to... her in terms of age. I said she must be moving too fast.
I only have one cardinal rule... Never feed them past 9, because if you do they'll be up and chirping all night
LPT: How to tie an extremely difficult knot Just put it in your pocket. Works like a charm with my headphones every time.
Sometimes, distance maketh the heart less likely to be stabbed
Thank you, U.S. Senate. I've been asking and telling people things all day!
What did the tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
What is Palpatine's favourite breakfast pastry? Coruscant
Does Sean Connery like herbs? Yes, but only partially.
Why do seagulls live by the Sea..? ..Because if they lived by the Bay, they would be bagels! Honestly this cracked me up when I first heard it.
I'm so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
What do you call a mexican who last his car? Juaquin.
Her: Couldn't you have picked a better record to beat? Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There's no way this can end badly, Susan.
#NAME?
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
On Thursday, a user posted the joke "Jesus"... ..which was quickly buried.... It's been 3 days, has anyone seen it ???
How does R. Kelly respond when girls ask for a rating on a ten scale? Urinate
Me: What's the capital of Ohio? Son: ... Me: It's also a famous explorer. Son: Dora? Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I heard the river in Crimea is really condescending.
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
I'm ready to be a dad. Of that, I'm sure. Wife: are you certain? Sure: yes.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk.. He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"
[Boss' office] "You're late AGAIN." Drove back for my phone. "Why do need it at work?" It's all I do. "WHAT?" I said, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory? Alike did was stand around making faces.
What did Sonic say during Ramadan? "Gotta go fast!"
My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn't sound normal.
[doing an identification at the coroner's office] It's not her; my wife has a head.
It cost me $14,000 and took 3 years, but I finally pulled off legally changing my friend's baby's name without him knowing. I LOVE PRANKS!!!
Whisper dirty things in my ear... http://i.imgur.com/wlIG8.jpg
What did Abe Lincoln say after a three day drinking binge? "Wait... I freed ***WHO***?!?!?"
Did you hear about the mexican that went to college? me neither.
My dad's joke. 'Did you know there were Female hormones in beer?' Because, if you start drinking too much. You don't have the ability to drive, and you get fat.
What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse? Warren
I was in Nigeria browsing Tinder the other day It said "There are no available girls in your area." (Thanks Boko Haram)
What do you call a mexican hitchhiker? El Paso
Getting really fucking annoyed now! This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".
I'd like to think that when pedophiles hang out one of them always asks to see the kids menu and they all have a good hearty laugh
What has two wings and a halo? A Japanese phone, Wing wing, "Halo?"
Our grandchildren in 2060 "Grandma, why did you look like a dog when you were a teen?" I really hate that filter.
why did the bird-shit did not fall on the man standing under the tree right under the parrot? the bird was wearing underpants.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I ate a pizza. just kidding lol
So what's the best part about dead baby jokes? They never get old. *ba dum tss*
If it's true that guns don't kill people, people kill people, then... isn't it true that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?
So my close friends kid wanted to be Batman. So a murdered his parents after giving them tickets to the opera. He doesn't seem so keen now.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood* Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
What is the difference between me and my couch? My couch pulls outs
(NAME) is a terrific athlete. He recently ran the London Marathon  he was aiming for 3 hours but just missed it! he made it in 3 hrs 150 minutes
If olive oil comes from olives where does baby oil come from?
What's the difference between Pastor Maldonado and a bus driver? One is a highly skilled professional driver, and the other is in Formula 1.
So I had a threesome last night... There were a couple of no-shows but I still had fun
Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.
Life is too short for my book of 5 letter words.
*phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *strips naked and does running man* Wife - "...."
Friend showed me all the pics taken from the drone he got for Christmas, so I won't be renting the cottage on their farm after all.
Bruce Jenner Coffee! It's so mild that it can change a strong man into a gentle lady with only two sips, and about $100,000 in cosmetic surgery.
I'm going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game: What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Why are black people afraid to fall asleep? The last black person that had a dream got shot!
Knock knock Who's there? Little boy blue Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson
When I get home to find my wife naked in the tub, seductively asking me to "warm her up", I dont waste a second.. to throw in a hairdryer
Wife: Are you drunk? Me: I know this is a trick question so I'm going with no. Why? W: Because you're naked on the neighbors porch. M:...
What does a masturbating Latvian sound like? One potato two potato three potato splat!
Are you single too? Don't worry, you're not alone. Actually, I guess you are.
I finally found out what FDA stands for. Fucking Die Already
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My wife said she's leaving me due to my obsession with breakfast cereals. I replied cheerios then.
OK, so you caught me bangin' the peanut butter jar... Don't make it weird...
Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone? Because eventually, its cover would be blown.
I like my men how I like my coffee. Sweet.
How do you call a meerkat? C'meerkat.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling "YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!" when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it's the big yellow house with a guy on the roof
Whats the difference between the circus and a strip club? Circus is full of cunning stunts.
When I was in prison my bunk mates called me "mitochondria" because I'm the power house of the cell
Today is national dog day and women's equality day... It's national bitch day. /r/showerthoughts did not appreciate this. Maybe you guys will.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
A man falls in love with a nun and they run away together... The church says it doesn't mind, as long as he doesn't get into the habit.
I'm deleting some dumb tweets. I need all your passwords please.
One of the best feelings in the world is not having to set your alarm clock.
Insomnia is a glamorous term for 'thoughts you forgot to have in the day.'
How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1
Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we're running away to start a new life together.
Hey banks, enough with the "Thank you for banking with us". We only have like 3 options and you're all terrible.
What travels down an alley and has holes in it? Bruce Wayne's parents
Russell Crowe was arrested for biting a woman's face off. When asked about it, he said he was "Glad he ate her".
There's plenty more fish in the sea "Actually we've 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod" I'm bad at consoling dumped friends
Apparently Sepp Blatter has resigned to spend more time with his family... ... And his shreddder
What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend? "See ya next month!"
We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.
(Since bad pickup lines seem to be the trend right now) Do you want to play barbies? I'll be Ken, and you be the box he came in
I wonder who the Jonses try to keep up with.
My girlfriend and I are so different... I exist and she doesn't.
Why did jimmy eat his Homework? Because the previous day, the teacher told her students; "Don't worry guys, it's gonna be a piece of cake".
I Farted in an Apple Store I FARTED IN A APPLE STORE AND THEY GOT MAD But it's NOT MY FAULT THEY DON'T HAVE WINDOWS
What was the last thing that went through the bugs head after he hit the window shield? His ass
How do you know when the king of Egypt is horny? ...From all the Pharaoh moans.
WHAT DO WE WANT? AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? COW!!!!
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
A cow stumbled upon a marijuana field about to get harvested. It quickly turned into a high steak situation.
How does a black woman know that she's pregnant? The baby starts picking cotton off her tampons. (aaannnd i'll see myself out)
Sometimes I miss having an appendix.. [removed]
my day was poop until i pictured shaq using two giraffes as ipod ear buds
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Suicide gone wrong [CORNY] -Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers. -Seriously? And what happened? -After the first two, I felt much better.
[buying cucumber and vaseline] me: got an awesome night planned clerk: eugh [later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich] this is awful
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you're fighting with your brother.
A Farmer and his cows A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
When your kids are little you're a super hero.When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tool Time Barbie ...ncludes tool belt which she has no idea what to do with
Word of warning, if you're in a job interview and you are asked, "Do you smoke?" Don't reply with, "Depends what it is..."
One day I'm going to cure blindness... You'll see. You'll all see!
Show me a prostitute that is happy being paid in information about past events... ...and I'll show you a whore that'll go down in history.
My Dad Is A Magician He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.
I just got a job in a Reggae band. I've just got a job in a Reggae band, It's rather easy because I play the Triangle... All I do is stand at the back n ting.
What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy
What does an optimist call the World Trade Center? San Diego.
How many people work in your office Less than half
NSFW How do you know when a girl is too young for you? When you have to make airplane noises to get your cock in her mouth. Source: Jimmy Carr
Knock Knock.. Whos there?---Broken Pencil---Broken Pencil who? --*pauses for a second*-- ---nevermind, its pointless..
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
"you're breaking up with me, here? and now?!" "it's just not working out" *both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*
What type of truck takes a very long time to reach its destination? A log n truck.
A feminist once told me that there are no documented cases of "bra burning" in history that's just herstory
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.
[presidents 2km race - finish line] OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record? CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.
Hey baby, there's an OverflowException in my pants, care to handle it for me?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Racism Q: How do you find a white person in the condiment aisle? A: UM EXCUSE YOU THAT'S RACIST!!!!----oh look, there they are!
I'm in a complex relationship My girlfriend is imaginary.
Shipwreck survivors on an island S1: We told you to spell 'SOS' with those coconuts! S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I'm a vegan.
For some mysterious reason, whenever I use a keyboard I always press the wrong keys. I just can't put finger on it.
*approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.
"Last Airbender" got a 6% on 'Rotten Tomatoes.' Do you know how bad a film has to be to get below 15%? "2 Girls 1 Cup" got an 18%.
Why did the elk cry at the funeral? He had lost a deer friend
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything's a birdhouse now
advice: describing someone's cupcakes as being "better than sex" is only a compliment if you aren't sleeping with them
Why can't the two melons get married? I don't know but they cantaloupe.
Why does Peter Pan always fly? He Neverlands. I really love this joke because it never grows old! [=)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82ANkjVEpYk)
Why can you trust a musician? Because he always gives sound advice. Ba dum tsss.
A few simple tips: 1. Don't promise when you're happy. 2. Don't reply when you're angry. 3. Don't decide when you're sad.
Made me laugh a bit A former Vice President recently wrote a song about math. It's called the Al Gore Rhythm.
dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun
What did Mike Tyson say to the Death Star elevator attendant? "Sith floor pleaths"
Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE! #hooters
"You CAN even." - white girl life coach
House Hunters: We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.
I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.
It's decided. If I have 3 kids they're getting named "Bed" "Bath" and "Beyonce."
Pirate with steering wheel for belt buckle "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Why are gay men so mean? Nsfw Because they're all fucking assholes.
I feel like Mammorial Day would be a much less somber day. In fact, it would probably be the breast holiday of the year.
Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining. He used Pledge. In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.
[Checks for abs] Abs : I have a boyfriend
Who was the best boxer of all time? Jim Jones, I heard he took out 909 people with one punch.
why was the hipster hurt by the light bulb ? He changed it before it was cool.
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"
I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you'll hear me say 'please don't eat me' ......aaaand send
Why are pirates so mean? I don't know they jusr Arrrrrrrr!
CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN. Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas. His name was John.
What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat? One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
I actually like the smell of moth balls, but it's so hard to hold them still without hurting their little wings.
What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale
Like a good neighbor plow my driveway, not my wife
I'll pronounce vegan "veegan", when vegetables become "veegetables".
The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you. Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair. (silence)
What's Hitler's favorite letter? Well, it's not Z.
"It all started with a Klondike Bar.." -Nostalgic Prostitute
The Planets 71% water + 29% land = Earth 100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars 100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus 100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury 100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto 100% gas = Uranus
Two Scottish cows in a field, what one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.
Who was the roundest knight at the Round Table? Sir Cumference
It's a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
As an atheist, I often wonder : "what would Jesus do ?" and then I do nothing
Killing people is just like smoking cigarettes I can stop whenever I want
[first date] ME: I'm from a broken home. HIM: When did your parents divorce? ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
What does acid reflux and dubstep have in common? They both get better when you drop the "base".
My nan used to always tell me "only boring people get bored" I prefer to call it 'entertainmentally challenged'...
What do you call a Mexican Ghost? A Juanting.
I just watched a movie where a serial killer murders people then cooks their dead bodies... It was a heartwarming story from start to finish
VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
What do the jingle bell rock and an irritating girl with a cold commenting on a YouTube video have in common? A one horse sleigh And one *hoarse* "slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" (omg yaaaaaasssss)
*helping son with math problem* [hour later] JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
A caveman mathematician drops his glasses... All he says is secant
I was sexually assaulted by a colourful Rodent today!!! His name was 'Hue Mongoose'
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? The headline read "Small medium at large."
Why does ISIS like sheep? Is-Lamb!
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then you'd have to call them bagels.
What do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe-Wan Kenobi
guys calm down squirrels invented parkour
Her: What's a girl gotta do to get a drink? Me: You just give the bartender your order. Her: ... Me: It's really pretty easy. Her: *leaves*
Wanna know how i know i'm getting laid tonight? Because i am stronger then you.
Noah... The original Pokemon Master.
I hate when people kick my cats! It really hurts my felines.
I was drinking a margarita at the bar.... And a woman screamed "Does anyone know CPR?!" I replied that i knew the whole alphabet, we laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy.
TIFU by giving my coworker my #23 I got his Togos #24. I hate avoc... whoops, wrong sub
Dark humor is like food... Not everyone get it...
I like my women like I like my coffee Without some other guy's dick in em
Why do pens get sent to prison ? To do long sentences !
What is the best kind of plate for a continental breakfast? ... a tectonic plate!
A man walks into a library with a book on suicide. The librarian says, "sorry to hear about your friend".
If the opposite of pro is con, what's the opposite of progress? The Republican party.
Synonym rolls... Just like grammar used to make.
Any pizza at Pizza Hut is only $10. ANY! How is there still sadness in the world?
Time zones are crazy On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.
I have an unemployed wife and two kids. I am definetly not DINK. I am SITH. Single Income THree dependents.
I got kicked out of a massage parlor the other day. Apparently the prostate isn't considered "deep tissue."
In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82%  just like the peace and quiet.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
what did the breakfast burrito say after an all-nighter? "I'm egg-sausaged"
Cows... What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef... What do you call a cow with one leg? Lean beef... What do you call a cow with two legs? A Texan...
Hey ninja turtles, if youre trying to hide that youre turtles maybe dont drive around in a van thats customized to look like a giant turtle.
Beef jerky is just a cow raisin
Some people don't like awkward silences but I do because that's when I think about Thundercats.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff. #lifehacks
Developers don't spoon their SO They fork them.
Why are pirates pirates? Because they arrrre
I'd say I'm quite good at sex ...but I'm not able to blow my own trumpet
My boyfriend calls me "babe" because "pig in the city" is such a mouthful to say.
Invisible Man A nurse says, "Doctor, the invisible man is here for his three o'clock." The doctor says, "Well, tell him I can't see him."
How can you tell if a woman is faking an orgasm? Who cares
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
In 21st century Deleting history is more important than making history
You know you are Canadian when 0c and sunny is beautiful warm day...
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
You know who are the best pussy magnets? Gynecologists..
An Atheist, a Vegan and a Cross-fitter walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone within two minutes
My GF's boobs are pretty odd. I sometimes wish she'd just have 2 of them instead of 3.
My family tree is a Cactus........ Full of pricks ! :/
What idiot called them swordfish instead of... oh, no, wait, actually that's pretty good.
I don't like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.
How do you get a job with Apple? Be born in China.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
The software development process i can't fix this *crisis of confidence* *questions career* *questions life* oh it was a typo, cool
So I just started my own indoor ship production company. Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.
Cowboys are in the playoffs and gas is under $2 Is this the 90's?
I give it two weeks before Jay Leno starts tweeting from the new @ConanOBrienTwitter account.
Funny how arguing works. We're all "You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume"
It's funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment'. Because she thinks it's a punishment.
all pants are breakaway pants if you're angry enough
How do you call... ...a girl that only dates men who own expensive cars? Porschetitute.
What did 2 say to 3 about 6? Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!
What did the necrophiliac have when his grandmother died? Mourning wood
A little boy asked his mother "Mommy... why is daddy running in zig-zags in the back yard?" "Shut up and reload!" she said.
I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it. So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.
What's a slave's favorite type of music? House
Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.
I was so excited when all my teachers called my work outstanding I haven't even handed it in yet!
I went to get lyposuction the other day. It really takes a lot out of you. (Thought of this one in the shower :D)
Who was Captain Kangaroo's pedophile side-kick ? Mr. Cream Jeans
What's worse that burning the turkey on thanksgiving? Being a starving African Child.
I've done all the cleaning and ironing but I've forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.
My wife doesn't know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I'm saying.
What type of bagel can fly? A plain bagel!
Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard?  He was the Chief In-Spectre.
"Here's what I would do..." - me, giving bad advice
I, for one, completely agree with Hitler's plan... ...to kill himself. ____________________________________ Besides, if it wasn't for Hitler, who else would we compare our enemies to?
Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits.
What's the difference between a government bond and a man? *The bond matures.*
I think this unicorn may be drunk, 'cause he's not making ANY sense!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux? ME: u said to groom him WIFE: i meant brush ME: oh...sorry buddy, wedding's off DOG: this is bullshit
Guard: what do you want for your last meal? Me: anything? Guard: anything Me: the warden Guard: oooooo he ain't gonna like that...
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.
What do Michael Jackson and someone that come in second place have in common? They both cum in a little behind!
If you don't pretend you're in a spaceship every time you walk through some automatic doors, you're too mature for me
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce -NEVER eats Salad again! *Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning -NEVER reads again!
You know how Brussels sprouts and anal sex are kinda the same?? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Have you seen www.usedmatch.com? Yes but I didn't find it striking.
Hillary said she wants to be the next president because there haven't been many women in the Oval Office. Bill said, "That's not true, there's been plenty of women."
The opposite of "Free Willy" is "Predestinationy."
Back in WW2 I used to be a seaman... Now I just put it all over my wife's ass.
A pirate walks into a bar.... The bartender looks at him and says, 'Sir, you have a steering wheel down your pants.' The pirate replies, 'Arghh, and its driving me nuts.'
Paid love costs less.
Ok Reddit, I'll be signing off to take my girlfriend home... ...and I'm back, didn't take long to put my hand in my pocket.
Why does the Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick
In my defense, your baby was crying before I dropped it.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alex ! Alex who ? Alex Plain later !
[On WebMD] I have a sore throat [Throat cancer] I wasn't done, and a stomach ache. [Cancer] Couldn't it be the flu? [If it wasn't cancer]
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born her  mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes let's go  bury it."
I had an interview today. The guy interviewing me asked me where I saw myself in 5 years... I told him I didn't have 2020 vision.
Weird, it almost feels like the drive thru workers at McDonald's are being more judgemental of my choices than I am of theirs.
I like Viagra so much... I literally have a hard on for it.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies* [2 yrs later] Me: *knocking water outta my ears* *quarter falls out*
Two bookworms were having a dispute... ...across an open book until one bookworm moves closer to the other and says, "well then, I'm glad we're on the same page."
If you feel like you're going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.
What do you call a doctor who is always available? An oncallogist.
What do you call a black man who flies airplanes? A pilot, you fucking racist.
I  cook with  wine sometimes I even add it to the  food.
Need your best Short Jokes One sentence max, I'll start: A Dyslexic walks into a bra
My lawyer friend loves board games... ...but he has been sad lately, ever since he started that Risk-free 30-day trial.
Can't sleep knowing there's a Toblerone in the mini bar.
Someone told me they were getting colored contacts, and I said "aren't all their eyes just brown?" that was a complete misunderstanding.
Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.
"someone bring me soup." -every hot girl with a cold ever
"Hate it when I think of her and suddenly we're teleported to a picturesque location, and have to dance to a random love song." - Indians
I don't support the gay lifestyle in San Francisco It's way too expensive there. They should move to somewhere a lot cheaper so they can save more money.
Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
Right? That noise. ~Me pretending that I know what I'm talking about when I get my car serviced
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? A letter from an ISP saying they've been downloading illegally.
Why can't an Italian snake talk? Because it doesn't have any hands.
What's common between a Game Tester and Gynecologist. They both look for problems in places where other men find pleasure.
Yo mama's like a mosquito I gotta slap her to stop sucking
8yo: Ghosts real? Me: No! 4yo: I heard groaning last night 8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning 4yo: What was that? Me: .. Them: .. Me: Ghosts
All I wanna do is *gun shot gun shot gun shot* and *cash register noise* get off Sound Effect Island
How do you know your friends are pleased with your Facebook post? They like it!
What is 2 inches and goes in one direction. Louis Walsh's Penis.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast. And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
A dyslexic man... A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Which fish dresses the best? The Swordfish - It always looks sharp!
Why was the bakers bread so expensive? He needed the dough.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88' .... We did not have the internet back then so I'm telling you now.
Did you here what the waiter did at the restaurant? He waited
A zombie ate the brain of a taekwondo master. The zombie said, "Mmmm. That had a nice kick to it."
Stressed Out A guy walked up to me and said 'I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!' and I said 'Relax man, you're two tents!
4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream? Me: It's freezing outside. 4: I know. It won't melt.
Call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work
i m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don t know y DDD
What's 9+10 21
When I grow old, I am sure I will look back at my life and say "aaaah! my neck hurts"
Every man's dream is to wake up with two women in bed. One saying "good morning honey" and the other "good morning daddy".
Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
good cop bag cop. the first cop is super nice. the second is an Adidas sports bag. no suspect has been charged ever.
So, a mate of mine has come back from a air conditioning course He now has 'A license to chill'.....
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.
What has no legs, nor arms, but sucks a mean dick? A vacuum cleaner.
Why are Wayne and Garth banned from playgrounds? They hog the Schwing set.
[restaurant] ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It's my birthday WAITER: Your birthday? It's on the house ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
wife: "what on earth are you doing?" me: "making a penguin" wife: "that's a pigeon" me: [opening freezer door] "not for long"
Scientists have proved that there are two things in the air that cause women to get pregnant. Their legs.
I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Word... I will find you. You have my Word.
Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can't find them.
Giving blood is a great way to help society AND lose unsightly blood weight!
I was walking past a store with one of my lazy friends There was a sign in the window that said "No Help Wanted" I told him he should apply
I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot. The waiter just shrugged it off. "I'm sorry sir," the waiter told him. "All snails are final."
How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it..
What do you call a porno with conjoined twins? 2 girls 1 muff
What did one sunbathing pig say to another? I'm bacon.
Geek Booty Call... Fan Fiction You're totally fan-fic worthy. I think someone's about to make an appearance in Kirk's quarters next chapter.
What do you get if King Kong sits on your piano? A flat note.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If you still talk about it, you still care about it.
What's the best thing about getting Reddit at a young age? Getting tired of sandwich jokes before embarrassing oneself on one's first date.
It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, 'trophy wife' has become rather ambiguous.
When I die..... I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not terrified and screaming like everyone else in his car.
Kiss me you fool. Embrace me you dolt. Cuddle me you simpleton. Marry me you megalomaniac. HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? keep the tip.
Here's a FedEx joke. Actually, you'll get it tomorrow.
Count Chocula is undead to me.
Why do pretty faces happen to bad people?
WIFE: He thinks he's a news anchor DOCTOR: Is this true ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
What's better than 29 year olds? 20 9 year olds (   ) Sorry
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom. I asked her what it was going to do. I'm hilarious. Everyone says so.
I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted!
Why do Egyptian farts smell the same? They have toots in common.
Where did little sally go after the explosion? Everywhere
What do you call an armless obese jew? Names.
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What do you call a racecar driver? A racist
What's good for the soul and rarely found in America? A sense of humor.
I recognize that Rome wasn't built in a day but I'm not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.
Everyone says they are sick of my Linkin Park references... But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Knock knock Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless...
What book do you look in to find the best insults? A Dicktionary.
What do you call a pile of dogs? A ruff terrain.
Let's turn that frown upside down! ** **does handstand** **
There was once a cowboy who walked into town wearing nothing but leaves. He was arrested for rustling.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Fighter plane escorts a passenger jet in to Manchester airport as the pilot reported a suspicious item on board.  The United team bringing back a trophy this season.
Why can you never compromise with a veggie burger? Because they'll never meat in the middle.
I guess you could say Caitlyn Jenner is... Transjennered.
What does the mafia and a girls pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in shit!
What's one good thing about Switzerland? Well I guess the flag's a big plus
What do ghosts give birth to? Boo-bies.
Lawyer Joke Thread Submit your favorite lawyer jokes!
What pen company did Lance Armstrong buy? Uniball
The orgy I hosted last night was a real letdown. Nobody came.
Rock, paper, scissors? -The proctologist removing items from me
What did the Mexican kid get for his birthday? My bike :(
Turns out today is Star Wars day... May the fourth be with you.
Ordering at McDonald's & the cashier asked if my child wanted a Happy Meal. I explained the toxicity of equating consumerism with happiness.
I was dating a girl with a lazy eye. Unfortunately I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else on the side.
Being married is like peeing in your pants... At first it's nice and hot, but then it just gets sloppy and uncomfortable.
If your girlfriend says she's going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall... You might be dating my wife.
People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust. Most of the guards survived didn't they?
What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg? You let the pit bull finish.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
What is cookie monsters favorite war? Vietnom nom nom nom
Hear the one about the AA meeting in West Virginia? They all had the same last name...
How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? If it's their lightbulb, none of your damn business.
Words are so powerful; but I never have time to write on my fists before a fight.
Why did the bird join he air force? He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
Confucius say.. Man who stand on toilet bowl, high on pot.
Gave a homeless guy a dollar and got this joke... What came first - the chicken, or the egg? Neither. The rooster always comes first.
What do you call a dwarf psychic on the run? A small medium at large.
My math teacher told me this joke. What do you find on a beach? A tangent.
Why is Budweiser just like having sex on a boat? Because both are fucking close to water...
Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom Wife: Oh, the kids will love that! Realtor: It's not that kind of playroom Husband: Nice
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.
Top 5 oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp 2. Civil war 3. Virtual reality 4. Great outdoors 5. Family vacation
Two rednecks are pissing off a bridge One says to the other "Damn, that waters cold"! The other one says "Yeah, deep too"!
How much do pirates charge for piercings? A buck an ear.
Dragons aren't evil; they're just upset that they can't enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Q. What should you do if you see your  ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open WIFE: they don't say that, you're drunk ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I tried to visit a new subreddit /r/god All I got was "there doesn't seem to be anything here". Check. Your move, religionists
I've been reading the most interesting book on the history of superglue I just can't put it down ......
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken Christopher Reeve
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ....?
What's the difference between a large pizza and an art student? A pizza can feed a family.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and maybe Prince Charming just doesn't like whiny bitches?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant* *cooler is full of Gatorade* "Wait but this means..." *cut to surgeon's kids dumping kidney on coach*
Who is responsible for a planes rough landing? It's not the passengers fault, it's the not the flight attendants fault, it's the asphalt.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Why do so many people like Harry Potter? It's a charming story.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane's going down. Look, stop screaming, that's not going to make me a better pilot
I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.
Why was the young snowflake so upset? Because he just watched his mom get plowed.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.
In the expression " romantic dinner " for women key word is " romantic " and for men - " dinner".
So far 42 out of 43 presidents actually ran for office. FDR just kind of rolled himself in there.
I don't get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn't it already cracked to begin with?
I'm not racist because... I'd rather be black, than asian.
At my school, the cafeteria has "World Cuisine" day once a week, in which one foreign nation's traditional cuisine is on the menu. Last week, the country was Ethiopia... ...they served us nothing.
I want to work in salon.. So I can get paid to give facials
Why did Subway take Jared so seriously? It was obvious he was kidding.
Confuse the cable guy when he finally shows up at your house by telling him he'll have to wait outside until your favorite TV show is over.
How about a month filled with stress and obligation? - Pitch for December
Why can you not play UNO with mexicans? They take all the green cards.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high. What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.
hey you guys... ..."homo erectus"
What did Meghan Trainor say when she got mugged? Please sir, I don't want any treble.
What do you call a sad asparagus? Despairagus =/
I bought a new thesaurus the other day. It's nothing to write house about.
If your girlfriend sees where you are coming from chances are she is going to get some on her face.
So Twilight jokes - What does a vampire call a used tampon? A teabag.
Did you guys hear about what Nelly thought? She thought chicken manure was jelly.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Instead of throwing the first pitch, it'd be fun if Presidents had to quarterback the first play of a football game.
This evening I watched a Series of Unfortunate Events Then I turned off the news and watched Netflix.
why Palestinians have the fastest computers? coz they have RAM-allah
Life without women would be a pain in the ass!
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay to see a lentil.
I like when websites ask "HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT US?" Haha paranoid much?
Doughnut boxes advertise "ZERO TRANS FAT" as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
What kind of papers do dogs write? A ruff draft.
Why do primates do so well in show biz? Put any Ape in the spotlight - and monkeyshines!
"Paintings or it didn't happen." - 1700's-1920
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Acis ! Acis who ? Acis spades !
I grabbed for my Android and grabbed my friend's instead She said "This is not the droid you're looking for"
What is evil and ugly and goes at 125  mph? A witch in a high speed train.
Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.
Where is the best place to hide a lawyer? In a brief case.
I saw two construction workers laughing together today. I know what they were building... Friendship.
Why can't you ever trust an atom? Because they make up everything
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan's Valentine.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Asking your mom, "Will there be any pretty girls coming?" Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
The worst thing about Hillary Clinton is she can't dicks out for Harambe even if she wanted to. Even Michelle can do that.
"Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now." -extreme home makeover
Running into someone from high school that got fat is better than Christmas.
What do you call a Chinese lady with no legs? Dragon lips. And a Mexican lady with no legs? Consuelo.
Why do white girls like Apple? Because once go Mac you never go back.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I really want to try sado-necro-beastiality... But I feel like I'd just be flogging a dead horse.
Don't make a scientist mad. They will research you.
A boy came home with a C+ in music. He said with great vigor, "I got an A-"
Why is American Beer like making love in a canoe? Because it's fucking close to water. ^(Source: The Philosophy department of the University of Wallabaloo.)
Canada's got it right, when they don't want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Why are there no hand paintings from the old west? Because they could only draw guns.
Why do black people have white hands? Because everyone has a little good in them
A white lie: "No dear, your bum doesn't look big in those jeans".
Don't believe everything. Did you know that 78% of all people believe any shit they read online?
What do you call a lost nun? A Roman Catholic
i made the mistake of watching a single zit popping video on youtube and now my recommendations screen is trying to make me barf
yo momma so stupid that blonds make jokes about how stupid she is.
"Do you smell the updoc?", I say to my pet bunny. My bunny replies with silence. I know that someday he will say it and I am willing to wait
who found America? :D Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
Girl: Did you like that cake Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes very much. Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't have any taste.
Tomorrow France plays Germany... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War 2 record...
i had a dream a policeman came into my apartment and gave me a field sobriety test and i failed and went to jail
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom.
The court has decided you guilty of clickbait and has sentenced you to death by the electric chair... ... What happens next will shock you
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
if weird al is so popular now they should call him normal al. thats what i say on it
A sad horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks: "Why the long face?"
secret truth time: ive totally stayed in relationships longer than i shouldve bc i liked his pet more & felt bad leaving it with an asshole
Have you ever heard of the s-shaped well? It's pretty swell. And I would tell you about the d-shaped well, but I'd rather not dwell on it.
Just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast guard. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...
Al Pacino's brother is steaming that his parents... named him Cap.
TIL the British used U-boats Whoops, wrong sub
If Gingrich were to win the presidency... ...can we call his current wife the "third lady?"
The NFL was considering issuing small bats to the referees to "knock" the balls used for the Super Bowl to check for proper inflation... but then they realized that was queer.
My friend stopped making payments to his exorcist. He was soon repossessed.
Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that stupid
How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance ? 'Voodoo like to dance with me ?'
I propose we rename our seasons:  Blizzard  Flood  Oven  Kinda Nice For A Bit
Dating is a lot like parking All the good ones are taken. The rest take a bunch of effort or are handicapped.
Happy St. Paddy's Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I'm not allowed to go out on St. Paddy's Day anymore. It's too much.
A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.
#BrexitIn5Words He's just not into EU
Grandma didn't do 69 I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53, that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
What did the male telescope say to the hot female telescope? HUBBLE HUBBLE!
They say that trains are full of weird people... ...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train, and I talk to *everyone.*
Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude? Vector Hugo.
Free business idea: Female owned law firm & Japanese restaurant called "She Sue Sushi." (Our lawyers are slammin & so is our salmon)
To the Chicago Cubs Thanks, you've doomed us all.
"You stop crying or I'll give you something to laugh about!" - clown parents
What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist? A marine biologist.
America was not shut down properly. Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare &amp; without the guns? (Recommended)
The programmer's wife tells her husband: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What's long, dark, and stinks? The unemployment line.
Astronomy Hitler Hitler found a gas planet, he named it Jewpiter "Probably" the worst joke
Creep yelling from window: "HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?" Me yelling back: "HE DEAD" Him: "WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?" Me: "HE YELLED AT ME"
A drunk man walks up to an Englishman pissing on a tree... And says, "Yurr ahh.... European!"
It's my birthday, so here's a related joke. Why are birthdays good for you? - - - - - Statistics show: those who have the most, live the longest.
Never reach into a girl's purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don't know.
I'm a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math
Why are dicks like quantum particles Measuring them changes the result
Butler I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing  serves him right.
What do you get when you combine a mountain climber with a mosquito? Nothing! You can't cross scalars and vectors.
How do you piss off 2 feminazis? Put them in a room with each other
What do you call? (NSFW) What do you call a woman with no legs? I've got no idea, but have you seen the mess a snail makes?
You know the difference between 2 dicks and a joke is? You can't take a joke.
Why did OP's mom leave the prostitution business? It got too gonor-real
I only act to support my waitressing career.
I have a bad feeling I'll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.
I just walked past White Hart Lane and found 3 Spurs season tickets nailed to a wall. I thought of having them. Nails always come in handy.
I like to think I'm pretty smart. I just managed to get a 90 on my iq test.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop masturbating... I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you"
How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? One you'll see in a while, the other you'll see later. Credit to Mitch hedburg
Never trust an Atom They make up everything.
What do you call an Indian man who fought for years for peace that then transitioned into a woman? Mahatma Gone-D
Why didn't the fat duck have any friends? Because he was ostrich-sized.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn't mean I'm stalking you...It just means you haven't looked nice in awhile
"Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let's try to actually get something done today. All in favor?" Crowd: "NEIGH!" "Jesus Christ."
What Does an Old Lady's Vagina Taste Like? Depends.
Why'd the toilet feel abused? Because it took a lot of shit.
How do you know you are dating a women, not a girl? A girl has no name.
GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, "I care for you. Don't do this". I'm still working on what to reply to my GF.
You have to admit, healthcare reform sure beats the most lasting domestic reform of the last guy: warrantless wiretaps.
What did one stoplight say to the other stoplight? Don't look! I'm changing!
A great pun... is its own reword.
Boxers Last night as I was sitting on the edge of the bed gently pulling off my boxers, the wife said, "You spoil those dogs!"
Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.
Stalin bragged that his death camps were better than Hitler's. Hitler responded, "Jewish."
Why aren't there any introverted suicide bombers? They have a hard time sharing what's inside with strangers.
What do you call a pretzel that got his ass kicked? A salted pretzel
Who Shot JR ? by U Dunnit
A cow once saved my life. I guess you could call it Bovine Intervention.
A Fat Lady was in a Bikini.
What is long brown and sticky? A poo
Olive Garden's motto of "When Youre Here, Youre Family" makes sense bc I also try to make my family miserable by serving them terrible food.
Light a man a fire and you warm him for a night... Light that man on fire and you'll warm him for the rest of his life.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I was in a second hand shop. "I was wondering if you had any condoms?" I asked the owner. "Don't be ridiculous," he remarked, "Of course not." I said, "You're a brave guy, I like your style."
Did you hear the one about the Virgin marrying the Supermodel? Yeah, me neither..
Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.
What's the difference between a chickpea and lintel? I've never had a lintel on my chest.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? Because he was too far out mannnn.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I was an alcoholic for seven years. Today marks my eighth.
Whenever I hear the phrase "Power of Attorney" I always imagine someone being bitten by a radioactive lawyer.
I took my son to the zoo yesterday. Really did they accept him?
Confusing Holiday!!!! "What is the most confusing holiday in Harlem? Father's day"-unknown
ME: so what do you do GUY: I'm an oral surgeon ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you're a helluva kisser
A husband and a wife were at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
Why are lesbian prostitutes so wealthy? They make money hand over fist
the general Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!!!
They say if a girl laughs a lot at your jokes it's a sign that she's into you Turns out I'm just really funny
Why do women like men who can work on cars? They know how to work under the hood!
Yea autocorrect....I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks. Perfect
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
So I took some acid and ate an entire box of Fiber bars. I've been seeing shit for days.
Why are tamales a Christmas tradition? So Mexicans have something to open on Christmas
Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon [hope you can decrypt it]
I ate at this restaurant last night. After dinner they gave us some strange cookies. I ate that cookie right away but my friends all removed a small paper message from theirs. That cost me a fortune
Did you hear about the nutty professor? He pursued a career in *m*acadamia!
He: How are you? Me: Thanks, but I'm too old for you He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov... Me: Just keep telling yourself that
As a wizard I know a selection of offensive spells... My favorite is 'Curse'.
What do you call a cow that can go 3000 feet per second? A bull-ette.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For hispanic attacks.
What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? ...nothing.
why girls prefer iphones.... because they are use to its type of Aspect ratio :D
What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines
What do Kanye West and North Korea have in common? They are both being screwed by a person named Kim.
What is the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A catholic will say "hello" to you in the liquor store.
ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he's dating someone half his age? HUB: Yep. He's livin the dream ME: HUB: His dream not mine
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say "No. No. Put that back. You don't need that. You already have 4 of those at home."
I am so perfect... ... I only have four flaws. 1) I lack humility. b) I'm inconsistent. Finally, I can't count.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? That's NOT funny!
During cold days blondes stand in the corner of the room because... ...there it is always 90 degrees.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I'm still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
My girlfriend's been listening to a lot of books on tape lately. She's going to get very good at measuring, wrapping and recording things.
Which is the worst career choice? Dentistry in Britain? Nutritionist in the Midwest? North Pole stripper during an antifreeze shortage?
What do you call a Donald Trump protestor's favorite word game? Mad Libs.
What gets bigger every time I see my wife? My wife.
Congrats on being one of the "cool kids" in Highschool. Too bad about the rest of your life though.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you'll all regret it.
The Worst Joke Ever What kind of jokes do farmers tell? CORNY JOKES!!!
Knock knock. Who's there? Grandpa. Shit, stop the funeral!!!!!
An atom asks another atom, Do these protons make my mass look big?
in a kindergarten class, there is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. which one do you date? the blonde. she's 18.
I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.
How do you know a mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers are clean.
Q: Why did the clown cross the road? A: To  find his rubber chicken.
Women are like public toilets... They're all dirty except for the disabled ones.
What do fruit punch and a punch to the face have in common? Both can knock you out at a party.
Where did the ghost go shopping? At the BOO-tique
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline
What did the boob say to the other? "You're my breastfriend" *Badumm Tits*
Why is George Bush in bed every night by 9:10? Because nothing good happens after 9:11.
Why don't many Greek men move to other countries? They don't want to leave their brothers behind
What did Putin say after listening to the West whine about the invasion of Ukraine Crimea river baby
Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
Why could 8 see that 6 was afraid of 7? Because 7 was mean. Get it?^Because ^6+7+8 ^^divided ^^by ^^3 ^^equals ^^7
What company makes the best fireworks? Spacex
Do you know why Parisians only have a single egg for breakfast? Because in France one egg is un uf.
How could 911 have been an outside job If the planes came from the inside?
What do you call a very religious person who sleep walks? A Roman Catholic.
[last supper] Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say Judas (sweating): no not really
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80's.
I almost got hit by a car just now, but it was a cool car and I'm looking pretty cool today so it would have been cool.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we'll try butt stuff........ * Please DON'T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
If you take a picture of a man named Richard... Is it a Dick pic?
I don't like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal? His shoulder. One more...what's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. I'm so sorry
If I ever get a dog, I'll name her Robbery When I get to store, I'll tell "Get down, Robbery". Dog lies and the whole store too.
[first time having sex] Me: are u sure u aren't too drunk? Couch cushion: ....
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. It can't come to you anyway.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
They say there is safety in numbers Tell that to 6 million Jews.
Why was the black kid scared when he had diarrhea? He thought he was melting.
What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety? Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.
What did one shovel say to the other during a recurring fight? Can we just bury this?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time... Me:It's amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you...
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure. "I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody." "Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies."
Leonardo da Vinci's painting The Last Supper depicts all apostles and Jesus sitting on one side of the table. There must have been a show and karaoke.
Had to replace the condom I carry around in my wallet yesterday Just heard they have a 5 year expiry date.
Which educational institute did many Jehovah's Witnesses graduate from? The School of Hard Knocks.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To push Jake off a cliff.... he really hates Jake. as told by my 6 year old who hates a kid named Jake.
A man walks into a bar. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender looks up and shouts at him, "Hey, where the fuck are you going with my bar stool?!"
How does a mom in West Virginia know her daughter is on her period? Her son's dick taste weird
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? ALLAAAAAAHVER the place!
My girlfriends father wont let us sleep together when I stay over Which is a shame because he's a very attractive man.
Did you guys read the book about the midget that hung himself with a belt? I heard it was top notch
She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips. I asked what kind of pizza it was. I woke up outside with a concussion
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
What happened to the little frog who sat on  the telephone? He grew up to be a bellhop!
So there's a man driving through the desert. He had... Sorry about pastebin link, the joke was too long for Reddit. http://pastebin.com/x6yZM6UM
Why can't white Tumb1r girls divide or multiply by two? Because they can't even
Did you hear about the lady who walked backwards into an airplane propeller? Disassedher
Why do Jews watch porno movies in reverse? Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back to the guy.
Q: Where do you find 60 million french jokes? A: In France.
Confess to murdering a relative while you're contestants on Family Feud. That way your family will be forced to applaud & say "Good answer!"
What do you call the useless skin around the vagina? The woman
Snapple's made from "The Best Stuff on Earth." Really? Heroin-laced Nutella?
The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
Grilled cheeses are the sweatpants of sandwiches.
what was Hitler's favourite drink? mountain dew
What does it sound like when a Pterodactyl urinates? There is no sound... The P is silent.
Why are false teeth like stars? Because they come out at night.
What is it called when a ninja flees the scene of an accident? Hidden Run.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy"
The number one cause of teenage pregnancy is sluts.
A QA Engineer walks into a bar an orders a beer. And orders 2 beers, and orders 7445553822 beers, and orders -1 beers, and orders asdfadf beers, and orders Robert'); DROP TABLE beers;
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr day and saint pattys day Everybody wants to be irish on saint pattys day.
Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax? Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.
Proof that road construction workers are lazy They're always just [milling](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pavement_milling) about!
Are you a magician?? Because you're making my penis levitate.
Why did the gay vigilante get arrested? He tried to take down a budgie smuggler.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Are you ignorant or apathetic ? I don't know, and I don't care...
St. Valentine's day Two blondes chat: "What you gonna do on St. Valentine's day?" "What day is it?" "Friday." "Shepherd's Pie."
My friend just fucked his 14 year old escort. So, does anyone here know how to fix a 2002 Ford? It's pretty messed up from the event.
It's amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature's wonders!
What is the definition of "making love?" It's something a woman does when a man is fucking her.
Besides coke residue, what other particles can be found on dollar bills? Stripper poop particles
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash? 9 months.
How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100? On their fingers
What does farm animal porn sound like? Brownchickenbrowncow
The cross country athlete disappeared Some think he ran away.
I love 12 year old porn. If you ask me, 2003 was just the golden age of porn with the best and sexiest adult actors of our generation.
I invented a Poem: "I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs, it digs. We dig, they dig, you dig. It's not very good - but quite deep.
How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream
That's it, I'm done dating comedians... I don't want to get lol'd into a false sense of security again.
ADHD in the streets Naughty fr...so hey, does anyone want to play Sonic the Hedgehog?
Arrived home last night to find a man trying to steal my front gate. I didn't abuse him though, I thought he may take a fence.
Two gay penises walk by a bar One says to the other "hey, wanna get shitfaced?"
What happens when two girl rabbits really like each other? Bunnylingus!
*puts message in a bottle *stares longingly out at sea and throws it in *gets tazed and arrested for littering
Why don't you people see how racist Pokemon Go is??? All of my friends are now talking about how they have to catch Amal.
What's the best way to start an underwear presentation? Start with a brief introduction.
Why I Chose my Internet Provider I chose Cox. At least they are honest about who they are.
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon ? Because he was dead !
yo mamma so ugly she tried to enter an ugly contest and the judges said sorry no professionals
Did you hear about the recent theft from the Louvre in Paris? Three paintings were stolen. The thieves took the Renoir to get the Monet to get their Van Gogh.
What is Mr. T's favorite month? April, fools
Here at Nickelodeon, we're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like.
I was mugged today... I was mugged in an alley today, all they took was my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I saw this one guy really, really beat Bobby Flay It was his ex wife's lawyer.
i feel the most connected to other human beings when were making subtle eye contact about someones outrageous stank on the subway
What's John Lennon's favorite card game? Yoko Uno
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Why was the egg late for work? It ova slept.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks. Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
What do stupid kids do at Halloween ? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins !
C-3PO Papa, when C-3PO is naked, he is see-through PO (My 5 1/2 y/o just came up with this. I think it's funny, for a 5 y/o :-))
Audltery We used to brand women with the Scarlet Letter (A)...now we celebrate Ashley Madison
How to make microwave popcorn: 2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped. 2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.
Why does Bob Ross hide his wife's razor? So she always has a happy little bush!
How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat? Ba dum ship.
Facial hair problems I have trouble growing facial hair, so I decided to get married so that I finally know what it's like to have a beard.
Why did the one handed man cross the road? To get toThe second hand shop.
True story: 5 year old me was asked by a backhoe operator, "Hey Buddy, you wanna drive one of these when you grow up?" "No, my Dad wants me to go to college"
if theres liquid water on mars i dont care about it. im not going to drink it
The Art of Camouflage by Ruff Buttsex.
Look mom, no meds!
"We're not so different, you and I," Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I'm starting a talent agency that only represents those dudes in rap videos that just sorta stand around looking all hard.
[NSFW] What's green, and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food... Now, I can't find anything to eat in the fridge.
On the sixth day of Ramadan, my true love gave to me A gay club and an AR-15.
People can be so easy to read.... ....Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.
I don't understand why so many people in the south have bad teeth when they try their best to keep everything else straight and white.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!? me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work. Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I'm in HR again.
Here at Smith Blarney cremation service we make money the old-fashioned way We urn it.
What do you call a nosey pepper? Jalapeno Business
I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One condom says to the other "hey man, let's get shitfaced."
Where did the team get there uniforms? New Jersey
-gestures to everything in the Garage- Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!! Wife- YOU'RE a tool Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM Wait..what?
Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer? Because the Knights are shorter then.
Do you know what "relative humidity" is? It's that little drop of sweat that forms on the tip of your nose when you're fucking your cousin.
I ran into my ex the other day... Then I put the car in reverse and backed into her again.
"Strive to be the man you want your daughter to marry" ~ Woody Allen
Half life 3
I can't take movies seriously if the main characters aren't stopping to Instagram their meals and Tweet out the chase scenes.
Kayne West says he's gonna be the next Nelson Mandela. Your wife is a porn star and your daughter is a compass. Take a seat, son. Merica.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it's because I can't remember if it's my turn to say words or yours.
I said I wouldn't go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.
Q: Where do ghosts live? A: At the dead end.
I once knew two ranchers named Jim.... They had a thousand cattle between them. One night while unwaken. Their cattle were taken. My Jimmy's were rustled, shagrin.
Q. What do you call a black man flying a plane? A. A pilot...you racist
Organic Chemistry... You R-O-R get it, or you don't
My grandfather died in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany... ... he fell from a watchtower when he got drunk again.
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords.
What does a tweaker and a Jehovah's Witness have in common? Both ride bicycles and are on a mission.
He only had a dollar... Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures? His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on him...so he wound up with buck teeth.
Knock knock Shoes there. Must be the invisible man.
Why do Nuns always wear the same thing? It's a habit.
I might be OCD, but I'm not falling for that check engine bullshit. It's there.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.
I was once addicted to time travel But that's all in the past now
I just fell through the roof of a French bakery I'm in a world of pain.
Who created the first diswasher? God, and her name was Eve.
Matthew 11, Luke 9 and John 12... ...are just three of the boys Father O'Reilly has to stay at least 50 yards from.
My mother went to college. My mother had a strong career. My mother has traveled the world. My mother talks to the TV as if it's listening.
Kanye West.
I brought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
Why does the sun set at night? The moon scares the daylights out of it!
*opens present HER: What is this? ME: It's The One Ring. I fought orcs for it. HER: They didn't have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Never trust a Parasol... I hear they can be shady.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said "We do our business in your mouth" and I haven't stopped laughing.
I don't stereotype.... I type with one hand.
According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest. Ta-da!
I'm at the age where "pop, lock, and drop" is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
The worst part of being a pedophile? Fitting in.
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
Do those "selfie sticks" retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Robin Williams apparently commited suicide last night. His brothers, Venus and Serena, are said to be distraught.
Why the java programmer wear glasses? He couldn't C#
I repurposed some lumber. It was ex-siding.
Why was the anomaly so poor? Because it didn't make any cents!
What's the definition of apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.
You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What's not to like about birthdays?
A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds... Poor bastard..
Why is Cinderella so bad at football? A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach B. Because she keeps running away from the ball
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.
I was going to tell a joke about Rihanna and Chris Brown But I can't remember the punchline
Why do old men need a Viagra and a Doans before sex? The Doans is so their back don't peter out, and the Viagra is so their peter don't back out!
When you criticize a person, walk a mile in his shoes... then you'll be a mile away and in his shoes.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair's body and bounce.
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head!
I don't want to tell an anal joke... But fuck it.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Nevermind; it's actually a really obscure number you've probably never heard of it.
How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved?? Dude,I already did my time.
It was pretty hard to find a cheap way to get our son circumcised... ...But in the end we pulled it off.
What did the Canadian Reddit user say? Ehhhhh lmao
Smoke alarms are stupid -- like I'd ever forget to smoke.
[NSFW] Who did the gay porn actor thank when he got an award? His penis for all the shit I went through and all his ass for all the dicks it dealt with.
My biggest fear is racists. And blacks.
Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.
what kind of bees make milk? BOOBEES!
President Obama states he stands with Hillary. "So do I." Bill states sadly under his breath.
Where do elephants keep their reproductive organs? On their feet because when they step on you, you're fucked.
How to do you find Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
Are there any rules for lending your kids out as migrant workers?
Where's a lesbian's favorite place to shop? The Liquor store
All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I'm single. As far as I'm concerned, I've won.
Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
What makes perfect sense? The U.S. mint (cents)
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
My girlfriend said to me "you keep talking like we're on Walky talkies... this relationship is over!!" "This relationship is what? Over."
You know you're clumsy when you drop a stick playing air drums.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I love restaurants that have signs like "Since 1916". It's a great way to know the place you're eating at was probably super racist.
Why does everyone make fun of Batmans old suit, the one with the nipples? Bats have nipples. Hell, that's the most sensitive part of a bat.
Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I'd need a ouija board
What do you call an alligator that wears a vest? An investigator.
How do you know your GF is getting fat? She starts fitting in your wife's clothes...
I gave self deprecating humor a go once... ...I was terrible at it.
TEAM DEATHMATCH Comment if you understand the reference.
Why is Reddit such a great place for freedom of speech? [deleted]
Dentist pulled the wife's tooth, she cried. Dentist told her not to put anything hard in her mouth, I cried.
You think you're not capable of violence, but then a bird sings at 6AM and you start researching surface-to-air missiles.
What did the pizza say to the pizza cutter? Wanna pizza me?
Where do people with one leg work at? and what are the employees names?
Switzerland I've heard a lot of good things about Switzerland. I mean, the flag's a big plus, right?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My girl told me she's depressed. Because of her weight, she suffers discrimination. I told her "Just ignore them. You're bigger than that."
I found out why MP7s sound so good: They are four better than MP3s.
"Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf." "Well, describe the symptoms for me." said the Doctor. "Alright," said the patient "Well, Marge has blue hair and Homer's bald."
Man walks into bar. Says "Ouch!"
I am having an out of money experience.
Why do mathematicians think that spring is summer? It's not their fault. May tricks them.
What's a bartender's favorite book? Tequilla mocking bird.
It's too bad National Constipation Day isn't more well-known... ...because currently, no one gives a shit.
So I went to the bar one night... and.. Wait what happened at the bar last night anyway?
What's the difference between a church bell &amp; a politician? A church bell peals from the steeple.
I'm a law student who's doing an IT subject this semester... and i've been asked whether I know Jake Weary over four times now! Who the heck is he?
You ever been to the strip club on that ice planet? I heard it's pretty Hoth
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I'm kind of scared, I don't speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I love Al Pacino. But it's his brother Cap that really gets me going.
I just ate a silica salt packet and I've been using a plastic bag as a toy because I live life on the motherfucking edge.
I never made the Dean's List but I find it disturbing the Dean keeps a list of teenagers he likes.
What did Tennesee?? What Arkansas..
double negatives what is the greatest double negative/oxymoron of all time? A happy Marriage
Ignore her and she'll go away, to buy a gun, but she'll go away.
Just pulled into the 'Expecting Mothers' parking spot at Walmart because I'm fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake ? The candles melted in the oven.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn't make you...discomfortable
What did the fish say for stinking up the sushi restaurant? I am saury.
There are more skeletons wearing suits beneath the ground than there are living people.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Because they have big fingers
What do you get when you push a cow out of a plane? Ground beef
Q: What are swearing outdoor grills powered with? A: Profane tanks.
What's the best part about fucking twenty-two year old's? They are in their sexual prime.
What Do Bernie Sander Supporters Call Their Parents? Roommates
Can women pay for a Brazilian wax with defurred payments? Not if they are Bush Supporters.
What do you call a one legged rapper? A Hip-Hop artist
Not so great minds also think alike.
My chess board grew a tumor Thankfully it's B-9
What do you call a pickled female deer? A dilldoe.
Why can't Canada win wars? Because they'll blow you up and then apologize.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
My pharmacists won't return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I'm lonely.
My wife didn't believe me when I told her I'd built a car out of spaghetti, penne and tortellini... ......You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field. It's in my jeans.
I would tell you a nun joke.. .. but it's nun-appropriate.
What's the shortest book ever written? French War Heroes.
What is the difference between outlaws and inlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What kind of eye disease do vampires get? Dracular degeneration.
I also wrote a poem, too, too I feel. You feel. He feels. She feels. They feel. We feel. I know I'm not a great poet, but I've been told this is very touching.
Why didn't the Aztec get their hair cut? They didn't like the barbershop Cortez.
Have you heard the joke about a rice cake who raped a bunch of tofu? I thought it was pretty tasteless.
I'm in an abusive relationship. controlling, manipulative, overbearing, demanding. it's for his own good.
Did you hear the one about the Vegan diet? Really? I'm shocked they didn't tell you already.
What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where the cucumber goes.
I told my husband I'm pregnant. He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"
"Welcome back, happy New Year!" "Thank you!" "Welcome!" And that's the last time I'm taking Bollywood movie suggestions from my friends.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
Why is grammar class the most boring? It puts all the students in a ,
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked "Dad, does God love bettas?" & I said "Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you."
Have you heard about the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game? If your wife goes to the bathroom, take 4 shots.
I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
What did Delaware? Idaho. Alaska
What's the difference between Rob Ford and a circus sideshow freak? One's a fat, ugly, disturbing waste of money. The other's married to a bearded lady.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Wheres my tractor.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An Investigator!
What did one ethuastic Electrician say to the other sad Electrician? Don't feel bad, YOU CONDUIT!!!
What happened to the muslim critic? He blew everything out of proportion!
I'm curious about the French flag. When did they add the blue and red stripes?
I spend a lot of time thinking about you and how you were pretty much good with everything. By you I mean Nutella.
Twitter: Where #Hash is legal.
So me and my friends got in a ride with a student driver today... He knew how to get us to school in time.
I don't feel strongly enough about anything to take the time to join a protest. Unless, maybe, there was some big threat against pizza.
Jokes for and from ESL Teachers
A vagina is like a warm toilet seat on a cold day It's nice, but you can't help but wonder who was there before you.
Santa, Tooth Fairy, easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde.. are all around a $100 bill, who gets it? The dumb blonde, because the rest are all imaginary...
It's a fun and games til I get super drunk, flip the Monopoly board and tell everyone to get the hell out of my house.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Riddle me this. What do mortal men love more than life? Fear more than death, or mortal strife? What do rich men need, that the poor have, which the content desire.
What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
If I were a kidnapper, I'd drive around telling adults there's naps in the van.
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is history, but can we at least keep the "Don't Tell" part around for people who love to talk about being vegan?
Why do women close their eyes during sex? Some women just can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Tape Recording for Beginners by Cass Ette
How can you mend King Kong's arm if he's twisted it? With a monkey wrench.
Good things about drinking on the plane: 1. You don't have to drive. 2. No matter how much you drink, they can't throw you out.
I'm so down on my luck right now, that I can't even afford to change out light bulbs when they burn out... Things don't look so bright
Joke - Daily dose of fun.. Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
My favorite selfies are the ones people post of themselves looking off in the distance, like they didn't realize they were taking a selfie
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Buy her some chocolate If your girlfriend keeps on bugging you to buy her something, keep buying chocolate, it can put her to deep sleep forever.
The free internet services I use the least are the ones that email me the most often to tell me how useful they are.
Why are jeering baseball fans like Grammar Nazis? They make the badder worse.
Why is Islam a religion of peace? Well.. because Obama said so.
What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.
Some people say waking up in the morning is really hard... Waking up in the morning is the second hardest thing for me!
If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other... ... Would that be a third-world war?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
How do you know if a fortune-teller is shit? You knock on her door and she shouts "Who is it?".
What was the man running around ? - from my 5yr old son Because he wanted to catch some sleep.
So a grasshopper walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey, did you know I have a drink named after you?". The grasshopper says "You've got a drink named Steve!?"
My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.  Edit: *One of them dies.
Did you haer about the dyslexic insomniac atheist? He would spend all night long awake thinking about whether or not there was a dog.
What do you call it when trash pandas pleasure each other orally? Coonilingus
[right after my lie detector test] -Make sure that machine shows I've had plenty of the sex "Sir that's not what it does- -I SAID MAKE SURE
Never remove the shells from racing snails it makes them sluggish
Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one.
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?  Crisp Cringle.
What's the rudest kind of elf? A go fuck yours-elf
What do you call a flying jew? Ash
A terrorist walks into a bar... He orders a Molotov Cocktail
A horse walks into a bar.... The barman says. , "why the long face?"
Gardening I was gardening the other day when my older brother rang to ask if I wanted to hang out. I promptly said yes because you know what they say, bros before hose.
What's the similarities between Las Vegas and Manchester? You can pay for the prostitutes using chips
"Will the father be present during the  birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah" replied the mother-to-be "He and my husband don't get along."
Q: Who has eight pistols and terrorizes the seas? A: Billy the Squid.
My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon. The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.
Why female sys-admins restart systems more often then men? Because they love those new boots!
what is in common between h.clinton and ronda rousey? they both won the popular vote
Gym bro #1: "Bro, we're out of protein powder." Gym bro #2: "No whey..."
I told my friend, "I like my women the way I like my computer. ... On my lap. Turned on and Virus free." He said, "I prefer mine under my desk and silent."
I was going to use Bing for all my searches ...but I couldn't find myself doing it
Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bitch" again I guess he has 100 problems now.
The iPhone 7 is an of all trades Sorry, I meant "jack of all trades" but there's no more jack.
How many bruthas does it take to clean a kitchen? None, that's women's work!
What crime was committed against the coffee? He was mugged.
As I was finishing a round of golf during a lightning storm, I was suddenly struck ...by how peaceful my game was with no one else on the course. I should do this more often!
Some people say I have no idea how to run a court room. I'll let you be the judge.
Father is talking with his son DAD: Whaddya got there, son? SON: Soy milk. DAD: Hola milk, soy tu padre.
How did the ancient Greeks seperate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
Group of 12 year old girls: We're scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's funeral? he's not a mourning person
Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL
"Daddy, where do babies come from?" Show him Edna.. [mum stops slicing carrots] *starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: Yeah like that, baby. Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair* Me: *moans* Him: *growls* I'm gonna do so many-- Me: *snores, drools*
My neighbors son asked me to explain women to him. So I bought him an Xbox game for his PlayStation.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. .... Only a fraction of joke lovers will find this funny.
Make a customer service representative's day by ending your call with: "Thank you...you're my only friend in this miserable world."
I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs. "No," she said, taking a sip of her water. I said, "Well, you have now."
What do clothes and religion have in common? Someone invented them and forced them on everyone.
Why do black men make such good husbands? Because they're already used to being whipped.
How many dead hookers in a basement does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously more than four, because it's still dark as fuck in here.
My Persian friend and I were having lunch... But something came up and I had Tehran.
I am against picketing, but I don't know how to show it Happy Birthday man, we miss you
What kind of people should you stay away from? Trees. They're quite shady.
How to be rich for the rest of your life... Legally change your name to "Rich"
Two bars of chocolate are falling down the stairs... ...the first one says:"Shit I think I broke my ribs". To which the second one replies:"So what, I fucking hit my nuts!".
If you have sex with a prostitute while she's passed out, is it rape? Or shoplifting?
What do you call it when you use Icy Hot as lube? Fire in the hole!
What did the mathematician use to kill himself? An hypotenuse.
I just took a huge shot It was quite a vowel movement!
All these illegal immigrants...(xpost) ...have crossed the line!
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? aye matey!
Which part of a birch tree makes it better with autonomic functions than others? Their betula oblongata
I like my women like I like my coffee! Ground up and in the freezer.
My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn't find the words to thank them.
Seriously when the crooked hamburger took it on the 1am where did it go? Heidelburg-er Germany!
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
What is it called when a hacker poops? Logging out
What do you call a religious termite in Hungary? Buddha-pest
The "smoking gun" has a greater risk of dying early than guns that don't smoke.
Starbucks coffee and Adam Hills. "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You're going to get it, but its going to be rough." Adam Hills
What do you call a group of hot moms in space? THE MILFY WAY!
If I had a dollar for every time I overexaggerated I'd have, like, a billion dollars
this is the worst weather ive ever seen "what about when the wind had sharks in it?" that was a movie dad "oh excuse me weather expert"
Last night I ate 3 large spicy curry rolls while watching Westworld. These violent delights have violent ends.
Two pretzels were walking down the street... One was assaulted
What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell  tall stories ? A shaggy dogs tale !
I touch myself when I think of you. It's not what you're thinking, I'm mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
How do cows measure time? In mooments
Christina Applegate should totally get involved in a scandal-- then we could call it Applegategate
My doctor gave me six months to live. When I couldn't pay my bill, he gave me another six months.
What app do you use to browse Reddit on your phone? 9gag
What do you say to a guy with kidney stones? Urine trouble.
I just poured out a bottle of Listerine for my homie Steve Buscemi, who we've lost to gingivitis.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I'd totally hit that."
What do you call Trump riding the presidential plane? Hair Force One
Date *pulls out clipboard* "Name?" "Uh.. Beth." "Ok.. Check. Kids?" "No" "Check. Club Penguin username?" "What's that?" *drops clipboard*
What do you say to a guy with kidney stones? Urine trouble!
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of the seeing eye dog.
If it ain't broke, my children haven't touched it yet.
Why did the reddit mod cross the road? [removed]
What do you call a Mexican Gummy Bear? Delici**OSO**!
Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit ? So he could tell the time at night !
Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?
The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died. Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
I want to repaint my room a shade of white... ...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".
What's the difference between a slab of meat and someone who hates high school students? One's protein, the other's anti-teen.
Who's got the tightest bod in the North Pole? Abdominal Snowman
if evolution isnt real then sombody please explain how my couch has "evolved" to fit the shape of my butte
"Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?"
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
How fast are black people allowed to go on the highway? 25 to Life.
BREAKING NEWS 1000 men entered Jordan last night She said she will be fine after a bit of rest
Why are teachers happy at Halloween  parties? Because there's lots of school spirit!
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
A man walked into a bar... I ducked.
She thinks I drink all day when she's at work. I don't... I stop just before she gets home
Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative. The irony is not lost on me.
I invented a new word... Plagiarism.
OK. I just got a text message from a number I don't know. It says: "I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!!!" I'm terrified but kind of impressed, too.
Roses are red, I'm feeling blue There's one less gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo
Why didn't the clam share his ipod? He was shellfish.
What is a professors favourite snack? Academia Nuts.
Why did the cultists drink the Kool-Aid? To get to the other side.
French Joke Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A. The French Army.
what do you call a red head's problem? a ginger ail
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Tried to make a joke in my math class and no one laughed. I think they were 2/10's.
Everything I Say... Literally every single thing I say is an ironic exaggeration.
So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra... What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association
That amazing moment when you drop your phone but the headphones save its life.
Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
without a doubt my least favourite thing about being alive is having a body, hate taking care of this hunk of shit
Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?
Why did the cow get a divorce? Because she couldn't take her husbands bullshit.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Doctor and Patient Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!
Alcohol won't solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I walked up to MC Hammer to tell him a joke.. Stop me if you heard this one
A ship carrying red paint collided with another that was carrying purple paint Both crews were marooned
Butt weight. There's more!
Alien: We've returned, show us what you built with our technology Egyptians: ... Aliens: ... Egyptians: ok don't be mad
Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal "Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry
Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
My girlfriend told me to "tread lightly." So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Q: What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes? A: None as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.
What do you call a protein that has anger management issues? Amino acid!
I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dial were too small.
What do you call a drunk dinosaur? A stagger-saurus.
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." Will Shriner
Why don't you see any slow black people? All the slow ones are in prison.
How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year? Not too well considering they can't finish a race.
No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed. -every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.
The reason why there aren't much female superheroes is that you can't expect a girl to wear the same superhero costume twice in a month
What did one plant say to the other plant that was annoying him? Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.
How many tickles... How many tickles before a squid starts to laugh? Ten tickles
I invented a new joke today I invented a new word today Plagiarism
Mickey Mouse goes to divorce court to divorce Minnie... The Judge says "so you want to Divorce your wife because she's crazy?" Mickey replies "No, what I said was She's F&amp;#@ing Goofy."
What did the imam say to Betere when he disrespected Muhammad praise be his name? Ah jihad to Betere. ^^Ah ^^you ^^had ^^to ^^be ^^there
heres law school: "sustained" is basically "settle down beavis." "overruled" also means "settle down beavis," but to the other guy instead
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father
What's the difference between Rob Ford and an Ethiopian child? Rob Ford has more than enough to eat at home.
What do you call a nursing home with a buffet? A Golden Corral.
I usually make it to the ATM just behind the guy who's using it to refinance his home loan.
What do you call a Scotsman that's been strangled to death by his own clothing? Kilt.
Which is the best side of a banana to eat? The Inside...
A Girl called me Daddy last night... So I told her I was going out to buy cigarettes and never came back.
My dad asked me if it's true that if you spend too much time on Reddit, you'll become an idiot "Kek", I said.
My wife yelled, "This is the LAST TIME I'm going to tell you to take out the trash", and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I visited the ghetto once... Didn't see much, i was in the luggage of a car blindfolded.
How do you make a computer your best friend? You buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded!
Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
Why do hipsters burn their lips when they drink tea? Because they drink it before it's cool.
"Life Is a Highway" has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was... ...she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
I was constipated once... ...nowhere near as shitty as diharea tho...
My dick is so big that a JPEG picture of it cannot be stored in a FAT formatted drive.
Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. I'd peak out my window for that.
Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.
There are few moments sadder than when they ask at the fast food drive-thru if you want to try the new featured item and you do.
I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.
Just dropped my new single it's me i'm single
Imagine me sitting alone, pouting in a wedding dress with a defeated slump and unwrapping and eating a Snickers bar. That's my fetish.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don't know anything about it
What did Sushi "A" say to Sushi "B?" Wasabi!
Watching movies with kids: If he/she hasn't seen it, eons and billions of questions. If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[picking out a washing machine] how many watermelons can this hold? "uhh I dunno, 11?" only 11? *keeps walking to next one* how many waterme
We can't deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
What do you call a funny mosquito? Malarious -My gf's homemade joke
Why did the sperm cross the road? Actually, I should probably stop masturbating at this point.
911? I'm a man trapped in a woman's body! "That's not exactly an emergency." Oh. Huh. Ok. *Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
My walk of shame is when i'm going home from an Adam Sandler movie.
Why aren't there any headache tablets in the jungle? Because the parrots eat them all!
[NSFW] I wanted to make a gay joke... butt fuck it.
How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Pretty Hot.
I like my coffee how I like my women. With my dick in it! (Joke from Board James)
How do you get a musician off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
Rumours of a food shortage..... Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.
M.Night Shamaylan Joke When you go to a regular movie, a friend asks you "so how good was the movie?" When you go to an M.night Shamylan movie a friend asks " So how bad was the plot twist?"
To the guy who invented Zero... Thanks for nothing!
Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach's like "what if you die tomorrow?" and I'm like "good point" and I have a whole pizza.
What do you call Albert Einstein giving a handjob? A stroke of genius.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave till it's Bill Withers.
What is the loneliest bayou in Louisiana? Bayou self
I've been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.
Life is like a box of chocolates. I only eat the brown ones.
How does the Rabbi make his coffee? Hebrews it
I keep forgetting the "o" part of "Hello." My boss is NOT happy with the way I've been answering his phone.
I flying insect just flew into my house and exploded! I think it was a Jihaddy long legs
I'm pretty sure they weren't talking about stupid when they told you, "If you got it flaunt it."
Knock Knock - Who's there? Tyfe ... Tyfe Who? Yes, thanks. Milk and two sugars please.
How do you lead a horse to water? With lots of carrots.
My phone just autocorrected "doofus" to "doodie"...and I thought *I* was immature.
My minivan is always rocking, but it's usually because I'm trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
My wife caught me crossdressing. So I packed her things and left.
I think this joke is clever. What do you think? How do you turn a metal cutting drill bit into a stone masonry drill bit? Sharpen the tip to 32 degrees.
Why did the pedophile go into the cave? He was looking for miners.
Whats the biggest cause of child molestation Sexy kids.
Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
A server asked Rene Descartes if he would like another cup of coffee... He replied, "I think not!" And disappeared.
People that whip their seats back on airplanes are almost certainly terrible lovers.
Why don't blind people go bungee jumping? Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs.
I treasure my watch. This is my grandfather, who sold it to me on his deathbed.
I've been waiting all year to post this this
My dog's name is Karma... ....because Karma is a Bitch!
What's a masturbator's favorite type of weather? Jack-it weather!
Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who's boss.
[Text] 18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?! Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
i feel like i need to go to rehab for my avocado addiction. :(
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
Any writer can be a ghost writer if you kill them
what do you call an alligator in a vest? ... An investigator
I painted my computer black so it would run faster but now it doesn't work.
I like my beef how I like my misbehaving teenagers... Grounded.
The wonderful world of Ironi "Saw an asian classmate eat ramen and thought 'how typical' than looked down at my El Pollo Loco" - Hispanic colleague
Why do the Scots wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
I started a business... I started a business selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Autocorrect changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.
Why did adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side
What's the difference between the United States and some yoghurt? After 200 years, the Yoghurt develops a culture.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Why does Tiger Woods have a bad sex life? He always finishes in the least amount of strokes.
Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world. Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything? Netflix: no
How do you get to Carnegie Hall? take a taxi
Gymnasts used to look tiny and cute, now they look like they'll kick your @ss in a bar fight.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Birds sure seem pretty stupid until you see pigeon shit on a Hummer.
No matter who you are or where you come from, all anybody wants in this life is for no one to object to their iTunes mix playing at a party.
Cop cars aren't very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I'll stop in a heartbeat
What's easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls or a truck of babies? The babies of course, you can use a pitchfork!
What goes well with a mans jean jacket? A suicide note.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it's gone.
Why will people with MS never be great artists? They only have MS Paint
Note to guy who hit the crosswalk button like 45 seconds after I did & just then it changed: You didn't do that. I did that.
Getting asked 'you want a fork' by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
I walked up to a girl and said, "If you were a drug, I would overdose!" She said, "Thanks." I said, "Then you wouldn't be able to ruin my life any more."
What's the difference between a mouth and an asshole?..... Some people can't figure out which one to speak out of.
How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic? You take the pizza delivery sign off
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WAAAAAAAAAATAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I could Juggle right now, but I don't have the balls to do it.
Did you hear about the man who cut his own head off after the Academy Awards? He was Leonardo DiCapitated.
I've done it, finally. I invented a pill that makes your farts smell exactly the way your food tasted. Get me the President
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
People on Facebook Nowadays: *Clicks pic while sipping coffee* *Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am* WTF?
not doing the peanut butter and the penis trick with the dog anymore. My son caught me and wants to know why my face is in the dog's crotch
I told my ex girlfriend " i'll never get over you". "i'll have to get up and go around".
What do you call a man who cleans your house? Dustin.
If smoking weed ruins your short term memory... ...then what does smoking weed do?
HILLARY: i'm sick and tired of these baseless accusations THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she's also tired!
Thank God I don't have to pay my computer's solitaire debts.
It's funny to randomly say mid-conversation: Are you implying I'm gay?
[spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is "incorrect" KID: I haven't spelled it yet JUDGE: No, that's your word KID: T-H-A-T-'-S JUDGE: No- KID: N-
Why did the school boy need Viagra? He was having trouble getting up in the morning.
*the force awakens* *the dark knight rises* *they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed* AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds."
I got robbed by a magician Took my wallet, watch and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.
Smoked some weed the other night with some foreign dudes, massive language barrier... We got Rosetta Stoned.
TIL that Martin Luther King Jr got a C in public speaking Look where it got him. Murdered.
Let's talk about sausage.... Isn't it the wurst?
TWILIGHT: Taking the N' out of "Vampire Fangs", since 2007!
Google Assistant gave me that one What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener
Haven't heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?' I was like, 'Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport. Her flight isn't until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
The worst racist joke I can think of. A black man and a parrot walk into a bar The Bartender says "Wow what a beautiful bird where did you get it?" The parrot reply's "Africa"
What do you call an uneven body of water? An inconsistensea.
If I buy a cardigan, and then I buy another cardigan Am I buying a cardiganagain?
You should never criticize a Muslim... until you've walked a mile in their suicide vest.
Did you hear about the new toilet upstairs? That's some next level shit
What did the sign on the closed brothel say? Beat it. We're closed
I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.
Chalant isn't even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I just found a little puppy on the sidewalk and it started TALKING! It was weird but tasted great.
How did the guitar player bust the G string? He was fingering A Minor.
I watched a tv show about beavers today... Best dam program I've ever seen!
What do you call a person with native american ancestry and alopecia? apache
My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion. I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"
Your teeth are like the stars Yellow and separated.
If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
The Ravens could have beat the Bengals . . . in an elevator.
How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.
What does the horny scientist call a lobotomy? Getting head
I can't be the only person who hears the phone ringing and says "oh fuck, what NOW?"
Two deer walk out of a gay bar As they are leaving one says to the other, "I can't believe you blew forty bucks in there!"
Grandfather joke "Call me Grand-pa-pa" "Why two pa's?" "Because it's the 21st century you homophobic bastard child."
The Pope just reaffirmed that Jews can go to Heaven Damn legacy applicants.
A magic 8-ball would make better life decisions for me than I do.
So you know the show Say Yes To The Dress There should be a show about women deciding whether or not to get an abortion called "Say Maybe To The Baby"
Why doesn't 'Murica have any knock-knock jokes? Because Freedom Rings!
There is no 'I' in narcissism. OK, there are a couple but there certainly isn't enough of them.
Walk into the club like what up does anyone own a black Honda Element because your lights are on
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
A man walks into a schizophrenia hospital He says "there's a lot of people in here" To which a nurse replies "get here you!"
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 has a hook hand...
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare] SHAKESPEARE: What's this? ME: That's a meme SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[Cringe Alert] Why are Trees never invited to a formal dinner ? They only wear Trunks.
If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.
What do poor people have, rich people want? And if you eat it you die. It's nothing
How to tell if an orange likes to party Just Invitamin-C.
Jesus. Jesus seemed like he was probably a good guy; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice. Jesus had only one flaw: he was always hanging around.
Why do Physics and Biology teachers never get along? Because they have no chemistry
What did the dementia patient say to the other dementia patient? I forgot.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I went to a Pantheist forest yesterday. I tried to read the map, but all it said was, "You are HERE"
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo I just had to put my foot down.
How To Tell A Girl Is Mad: 1. She tells you she's mad 2. She tells you she's not mad 3. She sets your stuff on fire 4. She sets you on fire
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
What's the number one cause of dry skin? Towels.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot? A: Because Donald ducked.
You know what my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket? "Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket!"
For some reason I'm only afraid of Middle Eastern spiders... It's O.K. though. My doctor says it's normal to be Iraqnaphobic.
What's the motto of the Greek army? Never leave your buddy's behind.
I have some great kitchen puns. They're really pantastic.
Why did Jared vote for gore in the 2000 election? Jared doesn't care for bush
I have an anorexic girlfriend. She's great, but I'm starting to see less and less of her.
Why is it so hard to forgive hitler? Because he did nothing wrong
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? John got dirty. Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a naughty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.
Why are Subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"? Even art majors deserve recognition
My love life.
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because D-shells are too big and B-shells are too small.
Why did barbie never get pregnant? Because ken came in a different box
Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least): 1. Text 2. Twitter DM 3. Email 4. Phone 5. Climb through my window 6. LinkedIn
ER: Ma'am, are you allergic to any medications? Me: I'm not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Do men prefer straight or curly hair? Need to know so I can tell my roommate the opposite and then try to steal her boyfriend.
Yo mama so fat.... pickup lines don't work on her.
Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don't laugh.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we'll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Want your daily dose of vitamin C? Look at pictures of Donald Trump
What is the difference between a dentist and a New York baseball fan? One yanks for the roots, the other roots for the Yanks.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
*Hits rock bottom. *Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Never trust a sweet talker.. They probably just want you to undo the zip ties so they can escape.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership
It must have been so risky for pirates to slightly burn the edges of all their treasure maps and then dip them in tea.
[date] Me: 'Don't let her know ur a boxing ring announcer...' Her: "Shall we order dessert?" Me: "LET'S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!"
Why can't you see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
I asked an alien if they let their women drive the spaceships... He said "Yes if it's on autopilot"
I only came to this school reunion because one of you've got my Wu Tang tape.
Today I got bored and went to a seafood restaurant... [OC- would like opinions] Just for the halibut.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say "RIP" because I don't wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey mate, what's with the wheel?" The pirate responds, "Arg, it's driving me nuts!"
My dick is like an American Too fat, but dangerous.
If your girlfriend starts smoking slow down or apply lubricant
I'm sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it
What do you call a Canadian in a blizzard? Cold.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs? ME: Even better. I bought a goat. W: How is that better? M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Did you hear about the musician that was put on death row? It's said that he is gonna be exefluted.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a baby who just got HIV? I didn't rape Donald Trump
US disasters and tragedies You'd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds... oh wait...
Sex is a misdemeanor. The more I misdemeanor I get.
REPUBLICANS: I can't believe Trump won. DEMOCRATS: I can't believe Hillary lost. ME: I can't believe it's not butter!
Three steps to start a relationship. 1- buy a sheep 2- name it "relation" 3- now you have a relationsheep.
Things to avoid in conversation: religous beliefs , world affairs, and politics. Welcome to Reddit! : D
If Spooning leads to Forking, what does Knifing lead to? Abortions.
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing...Watch you smile while you're sleeping..." Aerosmith = Romantic Me = Restraining Order
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
[x-post from r/dyslexia] Today I misread 63 as 68 so it took me twice as long to get home with the public transport Whoops, wrong bus
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it's horn in my mouth.
How do you make holy water from just plain water? You boil the hell out of it.
someone asked me if i liked having long hair... i told them i didn't at first but it kinda grew on me.
[2 friends fighting at Denny's] Chicken: *gritting teeth* I'll have the bacon Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I'll be having the EGGS!
What does a book of definitions and an erection have in common? They're both *dick-shun-airy's* (erections are filled with deoxygenated blood.... bit of a weak connection I know...)
It's nice that the french finally grew some balls... ...and shot down a German plane but unfortunately the war ended 70 years ago.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Apparently the local fruit fly is a smoker..... She goes out every night for a drag.
Vladimir Putin was recently late to a meeting He was really Russian
A terminally ill man asked his doctor how much longer he had to live. The doctor responded, "Ten." "What do you mean, ten? Ten years? Ten months? Ten-" "Nine... Eight..."
My wife's so square in bed she has cubic hair
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
Chinese takeout My wife has been angry at me all night for bringing her six bowls of soup back from the local Chinese restaurant. I don't know what her deal is, she very clearly asked for wanton soup.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the "recently used," you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Did you hear about the Buddhist that refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication
The largest city in the world is: The largest city in the world is Dublin. That's because the size and population are always Dublin.
[Budapest airport] IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary? ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger
So I called Amazon customer support to try and get credit for a late package. They said no. They cut me down in my Amazon Prime.
What do you call someone who murders a toucan, a leprechaun, and a honey bee? A cereal killer!
I am looking for two Chinese people to help me improve legislation for animals in Asia. That way, two wongs can make a right.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don't lick the dog. 2: He licked me first.
A photon walks into a bar... And he asks the barman for some peanuts. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve light snacks."
Egyptians are quite good at recognizing conmen. They're not falling for that pyramid scheme business again.
Why dont cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
My city was so poor growing up that Planned Parenthood was just a bicycle without a seat.
What did they call the suave printer salesman? Prints Charming
Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. She's isn't coming back and don't ask Y.
Why Beyonce? Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'? - Because black people have no rights...
I got into a fight with my erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.
What is a mountain climber's favorite drink? Anything on the rocks.
My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house
Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.
Her: Are you okay? Me: Yea, Great! This isn't even my blood!
Did you hear about the ambidextrous golfer? He swings both ways.
It wouldn't be appropriate for me to comment further but that's not going to stop me.
Forgot to do yoga yesterday. That makes it 6 years in row now.
What do you call a Shock Jock that goes clean? Showered Stern. I'll see myself out.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
I have an on again off again relationship with clothing.
Patient goes to the doctor about his obesity... He says "It's not my fault doctor, obesity runs in my family." Doctor replies, "No the problem is no one runs in your family."
My favorite exercise is a mix between a lunge and a crunch It's called lunch
Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)
Two pedophiles in the park Two pedophiles sitting on a bench in the park, a 13 year old girl walks by. Says one to the other "Hey, she really has let herself go over the years, hasn't she?"...
Whats a retarded person's favorite season? Autismn
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition.. ...And later discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
What is Antarctica's version of tinder called? Pick up a penguin
"what if today's the day you learn about tacos and ostriches? You don't want to miss that, do you?" - me manipulating my kid to school.
The day before Rosh Hashanah... can be called adam's eve.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there's someone for every un.
What's the difference between my grandma and a baby? My grandma doesn't die when I fuck her.
Voting booths are like brothels You have to decide which ass you want.
What's black and doesn't work? A quadriplegic chimney sweep.
Why is the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in Coffee instead of Caw Fee.
Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I was supposed to make a Mayweather joke but it ran away.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Talking dirty "I've been a very bad girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." "Very well," he replied and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers They can only do it once. Those Hindu suicide bombers are the real threat.
My boss dropped a pen, bent to pick it up, my b-ball instincts took over, I slapped his ass, said 'nice hustle' & now I need a new job.
A man with Alzheimer's decides he wants tell some friends a joke. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE
I guess you can call 2chainz... A master debater... (   )
I wanted to make a joke about quantum superpositions But I couldn't decide on one.
What is Helen Kellers favorite color? Corduroy.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute ? A frog with hiccups !
I saw a fight in the chip shop the other day... Two fish got battered.
How do you kill a whole Circus at once? Aim for the Juggler...
Your mom is like a moped She's a little slow but still fun to ride.
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
what does one do on the fine summers day when the toothbacks all say tooth?
At the bank, I told the teller I'd like to open a joint account She asked "Okay, with whom?" "With whoever had the most money" I answered
I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison
A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen He comes back and finds another note: "me too"
What does r/jokes have in common with Amy Schumer Most of these joke aren't original.
5k mud runners I hate people that brag about paying $ to run a 5k race in mud. Big deal cause in Africa, that's called Wednesday.
My grandpa used to say that dating was like doing laundry. Never mix the whites with the colors.
Yo momma so homely... Elrond dwells there!
My default emotion is irrational rage.
Steve Irwin should have wore sunblock... ... to prevent against harmful rays.
Some dude at ASU named Dean has me on his list. Honestly, I don't appreciate or understand it. Thinking about contacting the authorities.
I once slept through a burglary. Next thing I knew I was in the back of a police van.
What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts. . What do you call nuts on a chest? . Chestnuts. . What do you call nuts on a chin? . A blowjob.
People say that asparagus makes your pee smell but its also true that your pee makes asparagus smell
Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You're now your own worst enemy. Don't freak out.
If Trump is so bad why does he visit a homeless shelter every day? [someone whispers in my ear] I am now being told it's to taunt them
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: Saw your bf today "Where?" M: What's the name of that gym next door to the gay bar? "Golds?" M: Yeah, in the gay bar next to Golds
A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it as long as you want but it won't go anywhere.
Rob Riggle has to move to a new city, where does he live? [POWlo Alto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKCL_ToOook)
What Do You Call A Group... Of both crows and ducks, of which the ratio is 80% ducks and 20% crows? A murder most fowl.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
In Australia, lawsuits are just what lawyers wear to court.
Now Donald Trump is president he really needs to answer this conspiracy theory Is wrestling real or fake?
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it. Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[Olympic Swimming] CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they're kicking it.
Trump and Hillary fall into the water. Who will be rescued? America.
Just thinking. How many MILF'S are now GrandMILF's?
What is Ramsay Bolton's favorite band? Cold Flay
[cocktail party] Me: [swirls brandy] Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing? Beats me.
Q: What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties? A: Women!
Haven't listened to Staind since middle school... ...it's been awhile
I went to a zoo... I went to a zoo over the weekend. There was only a dog there. It was a shitzu.
red ring xbox My First Weekly Meme, Bad Luck Brian and his xbox :D
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, What the hell are you doing with your life?'
What's the best thing about Switzerland? Idk, but it's flag is a big plus
My favorite new song is either that one from the Samsung commercial, or the one from the Budweiser commercial.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never let a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder The bartender says, "Hey, that thing is cool! Where did you get him?" The parrot replies, "Detroit".
What do you call it when you dream about getting married? Bed wedding.
I can't help but be disappointed at the brand new Rolex I received for my birthday from the lesbian couple next door. ... I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
What do you do to dead chemists? You barium.
Why did the Muslim cross the road? I said to my self as I floored the accelerator. Although I guess he did get to the other side.
What do you call a disappointing orgasm? Anti climaxtic (I'll be here all week)
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!
Wanna hear a pedophile joke? You're never to young to get it. :^)
Your ugly. And you're drunk. Yes but in the morning I'll be sober !
*Adobe update puts on fake moustache and glasses* Hi, my name is iOS 7, would you like to download updates?
If you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating... Because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
*friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*
man walks into a bar with no mouth bartenders says "looks like you have a drinking problem"
what do you call an Eskimo peeping tom? Tommy took a look. (say it fast)
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Microsoft just announced French tanks are available in World of Tanks... I'm not sure why I would want to play a game where I could only drive in reverse.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Kind of sad that old people, who have the least amount of time left, are the ones wasting the most time typing in "http://www."
Why did the computer split up with the programming language. Because 1 or more arguments were invalid!
Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.
next time you feel depressed with yourself, remember that you're about 70% water & thats cool af
Subway wasn't the only thing Jared Fogle was eating fresh
HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes? GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea
Love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be true.
I tried... I tried reading a book about self-hypnosis but it keeps sending me to sleep.
Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break. It's not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!
An ultralow frequency sine wave radiates into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long phase?"
He died doing what he loved smelling things underwater
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies? I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
How does Yo-Yo Ma answer the phone? Cello?
If you steal a Tesla... Does it become an Edison?
How many Kings of Spain abdicated last week? Just Juan
Men have feelings too. For example, sometimes we feel hungry.
The more Twitter tells me it's over Capacity, the more I suspect Twitter still loves Capacity and regularly sits outside her house, weeping.
I have a higher IQ than Batman and Donald Trump combined. By the way, Batman has a higher IQ than me.
Once upon a time... People came up with original jokes to post, instead of reposting the same old ones!
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
See these bags under my eyes? They're Prada.
What did the pilot say when his plane wasn't flying? "Aw man, that's a drag."
On a scale of 1 to 10, You're a 9 ... and I'm the 1 you need!
Love is a game where you try to balance an increasingly unstable structure before it crashes down. No wait nvm those are Jenga instructions
I tried making jokes about fat people ... but none of them worked out.
In the future, bars will have airtight tubes people can go fart in. The tubes will have pipes that connect to prisons.
[At supermarket] "Excuse me do you work here?" WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don't have a job
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose.....
What did one orphan say to the other orphan? Robin, get in the Batmobile.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you're gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Dear son, your art is getting you nowhere. Do something with your life. With love, Alois Hitler.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Yo momma so fat and racist... She has a KKK cup size. Wears three white hoods - one on her head, and two on her chest!
Just read a really great tweet that was 140,000 characters long called a book.
a goddess makes a six second video da vine
The most I've ever paid for sex.., Is through marriage
You guys want to hear a Milli Vanilli joke?
When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.
Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden? Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we all lived twice?
Someone ordered a lion statuette for a Pride parade Apparently there was a mixup at the manufacturer and they only sent the rear half of the lion. What followed was a catastrophe
What do you make with an Avogadro? Guaca-MOL-e
What do you call a black guy on the moon? An Astronaut.
Wearing transition lenses is a great way to block out the sun & anyone from wanting to be friends with you.
What do you call pickled bread? Dildo
Dad always said "Time to hit the sack!" before bed. Not sure how getting punched in the testicles helped him sleep, but that was just dad.
I met a girl with 12 boobs Sounds weird, dozentit
What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ? Weight for it...
Why do chickens sit on eggs? Because they don't have any chairs. Source: my five-year-old.
What's snoop dogg's favorite author? Tolkien.
When I die I'm going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I saw a woman breastfeeding her baby in the park one night and so... ...I decided to walk up to her and say, "Excuse me. Your baby invited me to dinner, Ma'am."
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular. Wondering if "inbred whackadoodle" paints a full picture.
I just saw an article titled "Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?" DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common? ... A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
Those signs that say "Slow children playing" When they grow up become "Slow men working"
[interrogation] COP: So you play the tuba do ya? "No, the violin" COP: Treble maker eh?
Some people are allergic to me. You know why? Deez nuts.
If I ever get promoted to God I'm creating cupcake trees.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, cops aren't afraid of the dark.
What do you get when you put tea in pans pants
Why did the police arrest the energizer bunny? He was wanted for several charges of battery
Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don't know since we're clearly making stuff up.
Told her I'd rather eat laundry than fold it and now I'm having boxers for breakfast.
What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill. 
I don't need a drink in my hand to be happy. I'm also happy if the drink is on a table as long as it's still within arm's reach.
How do you kill a Byzantine? You push him into an Ottoman.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Dear Alcohol We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
What has a beginning and an end, but nothing in the middle? Life
2 nazis walk into a bar
Tell your female friends that they can get 100 tampons for a dollar... No strings attached. For a limited period only.
What do you call a school that teaches you how to draw hairy butts? Colon-hairy Arts School!
Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
What does Lenin say when he his angry? I will hit you so hard that it will leave a Marx.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs. They grow up so fast.
What is a dog's favorite camp sport? Woofleball
[1st Day working at Hotel California] Guest: Id like 2 check out Me: Sure! Youre all set! G: Thanks! [Leaves] Boss: Can I see u in my office
I mustache you a question... but I'll shave it for later
Damn girl, are you bubble wrap? Because you're fun to run over with my bike
What's the internal temperature of a Ton-Ton? Lukewarm.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him. [126 minutes]
Q: Why was the firewood punished? A: It was knotty.
How many mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Juan.
Life is a highway and I don't have a car
What diploma do criminals get? The third degree.
A tree falls in the woods ... and no one is around to hear it, how is it I.T's fault. Because I.T didn't move the woods into the cloud.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
I'm pretty sure this zombie fad is dead ... But for how long?
All the world's a stage And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time has many farts.
I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the fuck are you saying?"
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand base n, those who don't, those who thought this would be a base n-1 joke, ..., and those who thought this would be a binary joke.
Why do they call it "Ben Folds Five"? Because he folds five penises and puts them into little drawers!
What company did the Nazis use to move the Jews to concentration camps? Jew-Haul
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your head-lights what happens?
Why did little Susie fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
What do white girls drink from? [OC] Muggs!
Australian joke I just heard An Australian kiss is like a French kiss only it's... down under.
My dad told me this one: What do you call a room full of 50 lesbians and 50 nuns? 100 people who don't do dick.
There are 10 types of persons in this world... ...those who understand binary and those who don't.
Optimism and Pessimism Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glad is half empty. Journalist: The glass is a victim of discrimination by White Christian Conservatives.
How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb? He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
A Couple of underscores is to a couple of underscores? Ok. RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."
How many redditors does it take to point out a repost? All of them.
All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors... Because heroes never dye.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patty O' furniture
You can run, but you can't hide. Unless you're a chameleon with broken legs. Then you can hide, but you can't run...
I used to work in a helium factory... But I left, because I didn't like the way they spoke to me... [Read the second part with a helium voice.]
I don't know why people like to crack rape jokes They're a real touchy subject which rub others the wrong way
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING "Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash"
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
My friend has really clean shoes, What's his secret? He's in a wheelchair
What's Mario's favorite type of pants? *DenimDenimDenim*
What's the difference between a golfer and a climber? A golfer goes whack......shit. A climber goes shit.......whack.
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WA TAA!!!
Two Condoms Two condoms are walking down the street and pass a gay bar. The first condom turns, looks at the other and asks; Wanna get shit faced?
What did they tell the burger who enlisted in  the Army? You've got no beef soldier!
I have a habit... I have a habit of flipping around letters in a word. You say pencil, I say cenpil. You say banana, I say nababa. You say popcorn, I shut up.
A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home!" I went over. Nobody was home.
What do rodents say when they play bingo ?  'Eyes down for a full mouse' !
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning Brain: Stop M: It was B: No M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey B: This is why I can't do math in your head
Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.
Irony= someone tweeting about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad 2 -__-
How can you tell if you're texting with a dyslexic pervert? You get this: ===D==8=
What does a nine volt battery and an asshole have in common? The look on your face when you lick it
I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.
Since Canada isn't making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?
What is Donald Trumps favourite rap group? Run-DNC
Freudians suck I used to be a neo-freudian, until I took ap psychology, (jung and horney)
How to make a woman crazy in two steps: 1. Take a picture of her 2. Don't show her the picture
What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position? Ability to work under pressure.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I'm an alcoholic. Operator: Ma'am, this is AAA. Me: I know. I'm an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Did you hear about the wave of arrests of Mexican immigrants for theft and rape? Many suspect that the charges are *trumped* up.
What do you call a well rounded, very intelligent gay man? A homogeneous homo genius!
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Knock Knock Who's there ! Agatha ! Agatha who ? Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin ?
Check out this article: The
What do you get when you drop your frozen waffle at the beach? A San Diego
Do you know how we know that Santa Claus is married? Because he only comes once a year! Merry Christmas. P.S. I'm sure this joke has been told somewhere but just in case someone hasn't heard it.
I could never cheat in a relationship... Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
How do you have a party in space? You planet.
Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most? Me.. F... M.. F.. Me: the pilot
A family Checks in to a Hotel The father goes to the front desk &amp; says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you pervert."
i just got my first prostate exam and im never going back to that dentist again
[in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey her: what? me: what?
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? you knock on the door.
Why is there so much segregation today? All Fridays Matter
Ron Burgundy recently upgraded his car straight from junker status to luxury SUV. Well that Escaladed quickly.
A horse walks into a bar The bartender says "why the long face?"
What do you call a woman who can balance 5 pints of lager on each arm? Beatrix
Why does Batman wear a mask? Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman's other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin
I have a shellfish allergy and I got an allergic reaction to it So The Fine Brothers sued me
2 first names I don't trust people with 2 first names: Paul Ryan, Larry David, Martin Lawrence, Saddam Hussein http://www.twitter.com/HireMeImFunny
Your mother's vagina
I blow on Nintendo cartridges and they work. I blow on women and they still won't sleep with me. LIFE IS SO CONFUSING SOMETIMES.
-911 Whats the emergency? My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir? Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Mona Lisa 1o acto:Una mona aplastada. 2o acto: La misma mona aplastada. 3o acto: La misma mona aplastada. Como se llama la obra? "La Mona Lisa."
Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and  saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?
I asked a wise man about the secrets to success.. He explained "There are two things in the world that you need to know to be successful. The first is never tell anyone everything you know"
I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in between
The joke of 2016 Trump
What do you call people who rely on the "safe period" for contraception? -Parents
What do nosey peppers do? They get Jalapeno business!
The NYPD only does no-knock jokes.
I lose a lot of arguments just so I can go back to my nap.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs? A thyme machine.
Trying to make my teeth whiter, so I bought them a Subaru.
Apparently a lion has won a talent show in South Africa The judges said it had roar talent
What do cows do after they get married? They go on their honeymoooooon!
Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common? A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
I changed my old pocket camera into a new Canon 5D because it's a little lighter... but then again it sucks as a camera.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cows ! Cows who ? Cows go 'moo' not who !
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to [/r/AntiJokes](https://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/).
I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Why did the pancake cross the road? His friends egged him on
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
No matter how ugly, no matter how fat, you'd still sleep with her. Who is she? OP's mom
What does a guy with no friends be for Halloween? Depressed
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? Dogs don't lick jam... just kidding... they do ;)
What did the police do to the sweater? They pulled it over.
I have Restless Life Syndrome.
You wouldn't hate anything about yourself if the world hadn't taught you how.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends' house, her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Shame, he's very attractive.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we're gonna fight crime together
I joined a reggae band playing the triangle. I just stand at the back and ting.
How do you turn a duck into a popular soul singer? Stick it in microwave and turn it on until it's Bill Withers.
Where do space monsters live? In far distant terror-tory.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle - "Take one multivitamin daily." Hmmm
*sees lost cat* Hey buddy you lost *reads tag* there's a phone number *dials number* *little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
How do you know women don't watch porn? They all end up on Back Room Casting Couch.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing, because he ain't coming over to you.
Why do giraffes have such long necks? Because their heads are so far from their bodies.
Family Fight My neighbours' family had a huge fight yesterday. Allegedly it started when their son introduced his girlfriend and granny responded: See what happens when you don't pray?'
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink... The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Hey, I may be a mushroom, but I'm a real fun-guy!"
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."
Why did the chicken run across the road? Because walking is for suckers.
Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD! waiter: lol no I said soup OR s- [assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
How do you call playing games while it snows heavily? Blizzard Entertainment.
Hi, my name is Kate. I am 12 and I am still a virgin... does that mean my dad is gay?
What job can you see yourself doing? Inspecting mirrors
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Why did the black person cross the road? To fry the chicken.
I only chill with professional alcoholics!!!
What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? You hear about them but never see them
Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage........ I used to shave my privates with one , but I don't have the balls to do that now.
What's the main religion of most ghosts? Boo dism
I'm in an "open relationship" with eating healthy.
If I ever see my wife asleep with her mouth wide open, I seize the opportunity. First I unzip my pants, then I pull out my penis... And then I have sex with her sister.
My Wife and I made love today for the first time in weeks. (X-POST from r/shortscarystories) I put her back in the freezer afterwards.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, "This is all melted! Why would you serve this outside?"
Ladies : Who's the man who, with just the slightest touch- gives you chills and makes you tremble with anticipation ? Your dentist.
It's only takes me 2.5 hours of wasting time on the internet to do five minutes of work.
Why shouldn't young people move to Egypt? Because only an old GIZA would live there!
What's the difference between a faggot and a freezer? A freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out!
When I lay down to go to sleep, I watch Hillary Clinton rallies It is much more convenient than counting sheep individually.
Which two letters on the keyboard are the furthest from each other? X and V. There's a C between them.
I guess I'll go to your party but answer the next question VERY CAREFULLY: will there be a cheese tray
The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.
Pal: on your date, don't let her think you get jealous on date Date: the steak please Me: So you know, I'm cool with you talking to that guy
What's the difference between Whitney houston and my car? My car can make it to 50.
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet? Player: I finished it in three days!
Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before Glee,' almost watchable.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus?
What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad? Mediyolkre.
Guys with a small penis seem to overcompensate by being a huge dick.
Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys... Win/Win.
Today I nearly met my end!...it was in a yoga class.
I went to this new doctor, but he was terrible... All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula. [](/lunalaugh)Credit goes to Mr. Hedberg for this one.
Did you know how they found out that Dale Earnheart had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders on the dash.
Son: "Dad, can you give me 30 bucks?" Dad: "20 bucks? What the hell do you need 10 bucks for?!"
Did the depressed rope maker succeed? Sadly, he did knot.
If you're ever wondering what I'm thinking, there's about a 96% chance I'm thinking about what & when I'm going to eat next.
Canadians spend about $3.5 billion annually in Florida Plus the $5 tip.
The best part about stabbing Queen Latifah is watching all the BBQ pulled pork shoot out of her like silly string.
I had a dream about a woman who becomes a horse at night. It was a nightmare.
Cunt Jokes Q. What do you call it when a woman trolls you? Ans: Cunt-troll (control)
I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Why is Irish bean soup made with 239 beans? Because if you add even one more it gets "2 farty".
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. Woohoo! I'm making these up!!
What sexual position produces the ugliest children? I don't know, ask your mom.
Why did the baby kangaroo not want to grow up? It was a wannabe wallaby!
Knock knock. Who's there? Baby Owl.  Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later baby not.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair? Barberians.
I was raised by my father.. He was schizophrenic, but he was good people.
What do you call it when a spider gets a pimple? Arachne
How many Catholics can you fit in a habit? Nun
This company is like a ship with a hole in the bottom, leaking water. And my job is to get the ship pointed in the right direction.
I lost my wife in a bet I bet I could sleep with her sister
How do you "titty fuck" a seven-year old? Break her shoulders
I'm so tired of people saying Hillary sucks... She doesn't. Just ask Bill and Monica.
I set my password as 14 days. What did the computer say? too weak.
I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming "There's still time"
What's the most dangerous, predominantly black area known to man? Space
An erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it. The harder it gets.
Did you hear the news that Bill Cosby over dosed? the girl almost died!
"Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now" "Emo? Nah yo, EMU" "Im confused.." *A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt* "Hi confused, Im Dad"
What do you call a fake Apple product? An i-phony
You find it offensive. I find it funny, that's why I'm happier than you.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."
So I just wrote a test on the Periodic table of Elements It went berylliumtly
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
E....I...O...U...Y....A ugh, vowel movement. Sorry
What do you do to a chemist after they're dead? you barium
Interrupting Cow's Cousin Moo. Knock knock. Who's there? Time traveling cow.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening.
The masochist said to the sadist, "Hurt me!" and the sadist said "No."
If Apple has taught me anything, it's wait to see the "Steve Jobs" movie until they release a second version.
*eats one piece of lettuce* *checks for abs*
Did you hear about that Jew that started a charity? Neither did I.
They say you are what you eat, but I don't remember eating a massive disappointment.
There are two types of people in this world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.... ..
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND-EEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Hey girl, are you Harambes enclosure? Because i want to drop babies in you.
Pre-Having Daughters: *Hates hearing "NO" from women Post-Having Daughters: *Teaches them "NO" in 167 different languages including Klingon
Do we really need cheese AND other kinds of food? Seems greedy.
So there's apparently been over 200, well preserved tibia excavated in the area surrounding the great pyramid in Egypt... sources say it was a real shin dig.
What do you call the ghost who is a  child-rearing expert? Dr Spook.
I'm not sure if the founder of such a notorious website such as 4chan should be working for Google... ... but I guess it's just a moot point
(Final maths exam) Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines? a) double negative b) equals c) eleven fell over
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It's going to be a long night.
*swallows pride* *reads the label* 'this pride may contain nuts* oh no *swells with pride*
You guys ever listened to the music of Yellvis? *YOU AINT NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG!!!!*
What type of jeans do the Mario Brothers wear? Denim denim denim
If you're stuck in the Friend-zone, here's a simple 5-step solution: 1) Stop. 2) Being. 3) Her. 4) Fcuking. 5) B!tch.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert] *Pour Some Sugar on Me starts* Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I recently started my new job at the zoo circumcizing elephants... The pay isn't great, but the tips are huge.
Traffic on Good Friday How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon? Cross traffic doesn't stop.
Hyper intelligent student Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. Teacher: India is on which continent? Boy: potato! He leaves for home then.
Why was Hillary Clinton running for President? Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children's movie about running away from your problems until you're strong enough to kill your uncle.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today? Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I'll pick it up. B: Who won? M: Jack Daniels
After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?
How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25? Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.
Which street fighter is the least amicable? The ryudest one!!
When is a tree it's loudest? When it begins to bark.
What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim? Who cares! More bacon for me.
When the step kids start talking shit, I like to remind them that I am totally boning their mom.
I hate all those hooker jokes. I know there are a lot of them out there, but they all suck!
Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads. Me: Are you Italian, my brother? Him: No. Me: Then no more pizza for you.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
People who do not use the grocery store divider bar can rot in hell.
Not sure if this girl I'm talking to online is real, so on our first date I'm gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
*Removes smoke detector battery **Cooks in silence
Did you hear about Sanic the Hedgehog "Gotta Go Fast?" It is a running joke on the internet
Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex... Related: Looking for a workout partner.
Who wants two tickets to the gun show? I bought the Groupon but can't make it :(
Dear Fork, I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
If you're between a rock and a hard place ... Stop using crack.
Why didn't the penguin jump off the iceberg? Because he got cold feet.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a  rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
Nothing makes you like a fat pig more than answering the waitress with hand signals while stuff yur face. "so how is everything?"
Just received an email saying: "Want to see Celine Dion live?" My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
How does a metalworker like his Steak cooked? wel-dern
Thirty seven years ago, my wife walked out on me because apparently, I hold on to grudges too long. What a bitch.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark..
Did you hear about the joke about the broken pencil? Well, there-- Nevermind, it's pointless.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Do you guys dance in the shower too? Today I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
My week is just five days of wishing I had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing I had something to do.
Why is Trump never on top? Because he always fucks up.
What do you call an asian who hates black people? A member of the Kru Krux Kran
A pakistani food company is launching a new product... Its called, Allahu Snackbar
emo vs obama emo has a gun and obama has a ball to wow the crowd with but the ball has a spike on it
I often use "unnecessary" quotation marks.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend "you get this one, I'll get the next 1" and then never see them again and make new friends.
I saw a homeless man sleeping and I thought to myself, "What if you get mugged?" So just to be safe, I took his guitar.
When I see lover's names on a tree, I don't think it's sweet... ... I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What do you call a dinosaur that practices Islam? A Quranosaurus.
What does a leper say to a prostitute? Just leave it...ill be back tomorrow.
Lance Armstrong, Oscar Pistorius, Tiger Woods all sponsored by Nike. Perhaps they should change there slogan to "Don't do it!"
Have you ever seen Gregor Clegane fight? It'll blow your mind. . . . . I'm sorry.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers' carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Hitler killed... six million Jews...
Patrick and Bruce Patrick Bateman and Bruce Wayne are having a business lunch together. Suddenly, Bruce senses something is wrong, and looks at his watch. "Sorry to be so rude, but I've got to Bale".
What did the communist say at the beginning of the race? "On your Marx, get set, go!"
I'm against picketing. I'm just not sure how to show it...
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.... When the librarian saw me, she called the police.
[holding an acorn] "do you still love me?" Wife yells outside- "that's not even the same squirrel as yesterday!" "Shaddup you!"
You know what I have found always kills the mood? The noise from a rape alarm
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
Someone please invent a service to grocery shop for you but also cook it into a meal and also the meal is pizza oh it's pizza delivery
What's believing in evolution? Apetheism
I'm sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I'm only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Colleges should offer a writing class called "That Last Line Of An Email".
Dude the goverment isn't spying on you. You're not interesting *meanwhile in a secret base* "dont let him say that to you. You're amazing"
How do you say "I surrender" in french? "Bonjour"
Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: "I need to axe you a question."
KNOCK KNOCK.....WHOSE THERE? GESTAPO
Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts
How to tell if you're wearing too much Axe: 1. Are you wearing Axe? No- Good. Yes- That's too much.
How do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos.
How old is Cam Brain? As old as trilobites.
They say "dress for the job you want," but this space suit chafes and I'm not convinced that Arby's is truly committed to a space program.
Taylor Swift seems like one of those chicks who thinks it's cute to put her bare feet on the dashboard of a car when riding shotgun.
A decent news site shouldn't have comments. Comments are not news. Just give me the facts. No one needs to know what ahole666 "thinks."
Confucius says Man entering airport door sideways bound to Bangkok
Pogo, Radio So two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. To the left of them is a sink. One of the polar bears turns on the bath water, and the other says, "Pogo, radio."
I don't see dead people, but I do always see spiders that aren't really there.
So I asked my friend with synesthesia the time... He said half past purple
At least I've never taken a picture with an iPad.
You did not have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up
Why do grandparents have so many clocks? So they won't run out of time
Girl, is your name Hoover? Cuz damn!
yells "PARKOUR" then strokes a dog the wrong way, the camera zooms in on the dogs face, he portrays mild annoyance
What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a drunk bass player? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
A chef was worriEd that he would mess up dessert... Turned out to be a piece of cake!
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes  straight to hell!
I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you... GOD: [creates dog] ANGEL: ...and for how they actually do GOD: [creates cat]
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware 2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor 2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
This isn't a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a love machine.
Tim Cook: "We're excited to annou-" #Apple fans: "We'll buy it." Tim Cook: "Let me fini-" Apple fans: "We'll buy that too." #iPhone6
How do you pay for incense? In cents
Someone keeps sending me envelopes with cartoon dicks on them. I hate junk mail.
Jesus walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says I'll just have a water thanks ;)
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My fisherman friend got his Master's degree. Now he's a Master Baiter.
What's the worst part about watching porn? ... The climax is always the same.
A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road. Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing? Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.
What would happen if you ate yeast and polish? You would rise and shine.
If all my Facebook friends followed me on twitter, I'd be dragged to church for an exorcism.
Got diagnosed with Kyohosis The doctor diagnosed me with kyphosis. 85 degree curvature. I had my suspicions for a while, but the diagnosis proved to me that it wasn't just a hunch.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They already fell for that once.
When asked about his religious beliefs, Donald Trump states that he... "definitely believes in a higher tower".
What do you call a kid with one arm and three legs? Unfortunate.
Happy Father's Day! You motherfuckers are alright!
Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..? Because he Kant drive Immanuel.
Cinderella Joke What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? UGHACKLURB (Gagging noise)
I'm not racist because racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian? ...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.
On what should you mount a statue of your cat ? A caterpillar !
If I ever get married, I'm not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
you live and learn, me, i try to die and unlearn as much possible. thats the difference between you and me, those things
[raises hand in ethics class] So if I see a baby outside at night and nobody's around, is that, like, my problem?
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Two Men Walk Into A Bar Its okay, they're getting stitches at the hospital.
What do horny terrorists in airplanes do? High jack.
I took an AP test today Psych.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don't
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish off a race
Pharmacy employee you're too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My grandad fought in the war, he was posted to germany. He was Missing In Action for weeks, because the army couldn't afford recorded post.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith ..... As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
I heard they wanted to do an Asian version of Drive but there's already a movie called Crash.
Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving...I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
I went to a dinner party for anorexics. There was an all-you-can't-eat buffet.
My friends think I'm racist for wanting Hitler to have finished what he started... Is it really that bad that I like his art?
What's the difference between Shea Stadium and Sloan-Kettering? At Sloan-Kettering the Mets always win.
Why did Sara fall out of the swing? Because she didn't have any arms. Knock Knock..who's there..Not Sara.
I tried talking with a midget in prison uniform going down an elevator... But he was a little condescending.
Did you guys hear about the CEO of Reddit? I heard he's a great guy.
"your whole family suffers from chronic constipation?!" no shit.
What's the program jedi use to read pdf files? Adobe wan kenobi
Tom Clancy passed away today Now he'll be Rainbow 6 feet deep.
If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.
Don't have unprotected phone sex. You might get hearing AIDS
Why did the man hire a Mexican gardener? Because he was good at pulling weed
Popup ads are the Jehovah's witnesses of the internet.
A man died after following the World Health Organisation's advice: "Eat 5 fruits and vegetables a day." He ate 3 watermelons and two pumpkins.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.
Is that sick enough for you?! I man calls in sick to work. His boss thinks he sounds fine so he says, "You don't sound sick." Man, "IM FUCKING MY SISTER! IS THAT SICK ENOUGH FOR YOU!?"
Know what I hate more than a hipster? Two hipsters.
Compliment somebody on their moustache and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
How many handles do a black dude's coffin have? Have you ever seen a dumpster with four?
What do you call old, expired Neosporin? Paleosporin
What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map? de_port
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony
My new truck is older than my girlfriend... Its ok though a 12 year old truck still has a lot if life left.
Five American states that vaguely resemble Indian cuisine when spelled backwards: Aksala, Nogero, Sasnakra, Ohadi, Hatu.
Whenever I hear a Mexican talking excitedly, I always imagine him explaining food, soccer or that someone is stuck in a barbed wire fence.
Apparently Trump is a neo-Marxist He wants to seize the means of reproduction.
An alcoholic walks into a bar every day... His entire life is a joke.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
AMA character from the Universal Studios Harry Potter world Really! I'm Sirius!
Two seats open. One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in. The other by a wall outlet. She'll find love in another man.
*Playing catch* *dad throws ball over fence* "I'll get it son!" *25 years later* "Wow he must've thrown it far"
What kind of chemical bond is Hispanic? An Ester Bond
Dark jokes are my favorite What the first thing you need to hide when the police is on the door and there's a pile of dead babies next to you? ... ... ... ... Your boner
why are people scared of getting old you get motorized wheelchairs and giant barrels of drugs
Lady Gaga is so nasty I wouldn't even poke her face.
Why can't a blonde dial 911 She can't find the eleven. Not sure if someone already posted this joke but a friend told me so I had to post it.
Movie idea: A drunk passes out next to Picasso. He wakes up to find a drawing of a dick on his face worth $1 million. Does he wash it off?
What word isn't in the Bat-dictionary? Killing, unless your talking about his parents
A woman said to me, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Brad Pitt?" I said, "No, nobody." She said, "They've clearly never seen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."
I'm Only Here For The Free Food
Never trust an atom... They make up everything!
Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital... Proving once again that white guys can't wrap.
Never trust an atom... They make up everything.
When he was arrested, the mafioso was intent on not ratting anyone out. But he had ebola, so... ...he spilled his guts to the cops.
I sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
So I sucked an ass this morning. I mean, everyone eats thier animal crackers differently.
MY WIFE: [donating blood] ME: That's from both of us
They say video games make u violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just garbage
Yo mama's like a brick..... dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
What is an assassin's favorite element? What is an assassin's favorite elem- Surprise! (it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)
Why should you not tell jokes to sand paper? It's a rough crowd ...Ba da bum chssh
Why was Donald Duck arrested? He was high on quack.
Digger Nick wasn't invited back to the Dyslexic Miners Against Racism Conference.
People reckon I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid)
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ? Wire haired terriers !!
This bar smells so bad and I can't tell who's homeless and who's a hipster.
whats the difference between a mexican and a book. a book has papers ;) ayee
Teacher: Jimmy what is a shih tzu? Jimmy: Excuse me miss? Teacher: A shih tzu Jimmy, a shih tzu? Jimmy: A zoo with no animals miss.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Impressing the McDonald's drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
No one ever said life was easy, but several people said you were.
A second child fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla enclosure. Luckily the kid escaped and the gorillas were unHarambed.
Sometimes I'm scared I'll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I'm not so scared anymore.
Why don't they have werewolves in Asia? They get eaten.
I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.
Appreciation speech I'd like to thank my arms for always being by my side. My fingers, I can always count on them, and the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets I'm here all week.
How do you feel when there is no coffee? Depresso.
What's an owl's favorite song? The Who's Who are you? Hoot hoot. Hoot hoot.
There Are A Couple of Types of People in this World Those who play half life, and those who know what the number "3" is. I still don't understand what 3 is...
Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund? Because he wanted to get-a-long-little-doggy
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
How did Obama celebrate his reelection? He hosted a Democratic Party.
Why did the marine biologist jump off a bridge? He lost his porpoise in life.
I'm not going to let my kids listen to symphonies and big bands... too much sax and violins
*Baby presses 'snooze' to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.
Roses are Red, Violets are blue... ...I've got Alzheimers, cheese on toast
I saw a really lifelike portrait of Donald Trump the other day... ... it was really freaky how the hands followed you around the room.
BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?
Girls with long nails explain to me your life. Like, do you not touch things? Do you enjoy dirt?
"Your storage is full" thanks Apple, I'll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I'll always have the stocks app
[SPOILER] Ending of Civil War. Lincoln gets killed at the end.
Hey Feminazis, I sprained my wrist jet-skiing this weekend, so you can shut up about the "pain of childbirth."
What do ducks use to get high? Quack cocaine [Originally from Askreddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/36u262/whats_the_best_joke_we_can_make_one_word_at_a_time/crh46r7)
How five Jews changed the way we see the world: Moses: "The Law is everything" Jesus: "Love is everything" Marx: "Money is everything" Freud: "Sex is everything" Einstein: "Everything is relative"
Racist joke NSFW: What do you say to a black man in a suit? "Will the defendant please rise"
Why are C programmers just the worst? They're classless.
I hate it when kids spell "angel" as "angle" They're just trying to be edgy.
How long does it take to burn a candle down ? About a wick !
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
What do you call someone who confuses Emma Stone and Mila Kunis in a movie? A bad judge of character.
I met a girl who said she orgasmed every time she sneezed I asked her what she took for that. She said usually pollen or ragweed
I organized a threesome last night There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.
I stepped on some corn flakes the other day.. .. And now I'm a convicted cereal killer.
Why wasn't Caitlyn Jenner charged with vehicular manslaughter? It wasn't her fault. Her tranny slipped.
I heard they were gonna make a movie about Michael Jackson It was gonna be titled "50 Shades of Black".
The Annual Urology vs Proctology Basketball Tournament ended predictably... Urology is #1 Proctology is #2
What do you call a Snake game that doesn't work? An E-Reptile dysfunction
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it :D
No, I don't want to "Like" your business on Facebook. I barely "Like" you.
So a rabbi, a bishop, a black guy and a mathematician walk into a bar... ...the bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
Me to My Neighbour we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
We could save a lot of hassle if we just made macaroni out of cheese in the first place.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book  mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!
A man walks into a bar And subsequently loses the hurdles race in the Olympics, bringing shame to himself and his country
Paula Deen is set to release memoirs about life with Type 2 diabetes It will be titled "Paula Deen - For Butter or Worse"
What is DNA ? The National Dyslexic Association.
*texts god* Me: yo, can we add "being a grammar nazi" to the list of sins? Their annoying. God: *they're
Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison? A small medium at large!
How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
[mall] Wife: Wait here. Me: Okay. Wife: Hold my purse. Me: Yes, ma'am. *looks in purse* *waves at testicles* Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I'm thinking of becoming Hispanic just for the upside-down exclamation point. I like what you guys did there. I'm jealous.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don't ask a person wearing a leg cast if they've broken their leg.
BBQ club Do you want to join my BBQ club? &gt; are there any girls in it? No, right now it's just a big ol sausage fest
It's so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Why did the man marry a monkey? Because he wanted a PRIME-MATE! sorry ...sorry twice if this is an old joke
What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.
The jungle book has been adapted into a live action play But after the show at the Cincinnati zoo all other showings have been cancelled.
I walked into a store today... ...and they were selling explosives disguised as prayer mats. I wasn't one to judge them; after all, they'd said prophets were going through the roof.
For my birthday I'm going somewhere with no internet access. Pretty sure this will involve time travel and possibly dinosaurs.
Why do you need patience at the gym? Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.
How much semen does a catholic priest have? A butt load...
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don't tell them you need it by a certain date.
You know what always brings me down? Gravity.
Best blonde jokes?
I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog It was a shitzu.
What did the deaf person get after having sex with a hooker? Hearing AIDS.
A neutron walks into a bar... The bartender hands him a drink and says, 'For you, no charge!'
Chosing a share to buy is like chosing a porn video to watch. You search for hours and find something interesting and at the end it will dissapoint you.
Why is mustard gas so dangerous? Because it was used in World War One to kill people.
No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Flight attendant:"Would you like the chicken or the pasta?" Me:"What would you suggest?" Flight Attendant:"Eat before you get on the plane."
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.
I was thinking of opening up a restaurant that only serves burnt pizza its called Pompie
Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall building? Fall-adelphia!
Thanksgiving dinner. So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?" And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."
Why did the chicken cross the road? To commit suicide.
What do you call a rooster drawing sh*t? Cock-A-Doodle-Doo
just saw someone I love eat pizza with a fork & knife and this just really goes to show that people are monsters and you can't trust anyone
So They Cancelled Halloween In India This Year. They ran out of Ghandi.
What's blue and white and sits up a tree? A fridge wearing a denim jacket.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
What do you call a fake Flying Spaghetti Monster? An impasta.
What's the hardest about being a pedophile? Just trying to fit in...
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were 'the one'? Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My boss said to me. "You're the worst train driver. How many have you derailed this year?" I said " im not sure, its hard to keep track"
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
Monday, you deplete me.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My 9 year old son - "If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me."
I stayed at a hotel in Silicon Valley last night... The amenities were great. They even gave me a complementary metal-oxide-semiconductor.
I got a bone to pick it's been stuck in my teeth for days
Did you hear about the group Italians joining ISIS? They are calling themselves the Italian ISIS.
How did NBC respond to someone who criticized their broadcasting? I (*commercial break*) can't (*commercial break*) understand (*commercial break*) your accent (*commercial break*).
What happened when the carrot died? There was a huge turnip at the funeral.
It's not that I don't want kids, it's just that I don't want a minivan.
[maybe NSFW] How can you tell that a porn star works at your local gas station? Right before he's done filling the tank he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the trunk of your car.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anya ! Anya who ? Anya best behavior !
Did you hear about the new $5 million dollar Kentucky State Lottery? The winner gets $5 for a million years.
TIL an African grey parrot, who lives an incredibly long life, can learn up to the vocabulary of an 8 year old. So when do you have the sex talk?
How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover? In Fidel.
I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.
Future Headline: "Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies, Hillary Caught Using Friend's Netflix Password Undecideds Still On The Fence"
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Adobe released a new digital ruler today. It's a bit short though, so they codenamed it... Napoleon, because it's a short ruler. No, seriously: http://xdce.adobe.com/mighty/
How can you tell when Halloween is coming too soon? The sight of premature Ejack-o-lanterns in the neighborhood. I'm a Dad so this joke is OK
It was definitely Adam and Steve - what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: "Holy shit that was amazing!" COMMENTATOR: "Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself."
A man's penis enters the Guinness Book of Records... then the librarian told him to take it out.
Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
Mother's have mother's day and father's have father's day. What do male redditors have? -Palm sunday
What is Hitler's favourite beauty product? Polish Remover
Why can't Irish people become lawyers? Because of their inability to pass the bar! Credit to my dad for this one
Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation. I've cum a long way.
Why was Han Solo dissapointed in his Blow Job from Princess Leia? It was Chewy
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Why do the riot police like to go to Black Friday early? So they can beat the crowd
Thinking is bad... thinking is bad... it ruins every 3 out of 2 relationships
Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in  love? A: They got married in the spring.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
I like my women how I like my cars Safe and reliable
Its snowing really hard... It is really hard to see anyone in the outside world. I guess you could say I'm Snowden.
If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my life I'd have *n* dollars
In honour of today: Christa McAuliffe's last words. "Hey Captain, what does this button do?"
Mr. Peanut was arrested for drunk and disorderly at a local Strip Club The arresting officer said it wasn't the first time he'd busted a nut in front of a stripper and it wouldn't be the last.
Parents always loved asking this joke. If a day old ant, takes a week to learn how to walk in a month's time, how many lemons are in a bag of pumpkins? A banana of this colour.
My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM Did that bother you? Not much. I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.
What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit.
What do you call an std that only reptiles can get? Gatoraids.
Why didn't the buddhist accept the Nitrous Oxide for his root canal? Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
I'm going to start rapping under the name "Jay Y" So I can tell Jay Z "I'm coming for you"
I'm never tired. They call me Ironman
Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women... Just not very many
A man put a sail on his bike... He was gone with the Schwinn.
What do you call 2 Asians playing basketball? Won on Won. 2 Mexicans playing basketball: Juan on Juan. 2 Indians playing basketball: Khan on Khan.
Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
I have an outstanding warrant for loitering. *I don't know why my brain thought this was the funniest joke to replay during my sleep this morning but it made me wake up giggling.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging from his crotch... The bartender asks, "What's that hangin' off ye?" The pirate responds, "arrr! I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Mark Twain Quote "Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."
I recently surveyed 100 women about their favorite shampoo preferences... The number one answer was, "What the hell are you doing in my bathroom!?"
Isn't it fun how many different shapes pasta can be? My wife left me last night.
9/11 jokes aren't funny. My dad died that day. Isn't it good that he was doing what he loved most - flying planes.
What letters are not in the alphabet? The ones in the mail of course!
What do you call a dinosaur with an English degree? Thesaurus.
Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber
"Whoever smelt it, dealt it" - a handy tip when trying to track down large metal suppliers.
Someone called me immature today. Guess who isn't allowed in my tree house?
I heard the catchiest joke yesterday... Women's softball.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Whistleblower reveals that the government is concealing cracks in Hoover Dam. FBI is still looking for the leak.
martha stewart put a drop of citrus oil in the bong water and i cant even be mad at her. in fact it is the opposite emotion
What's the difference between a teacher  and a conductor on the railroad? One trains the mind the other minds the train.
Im probably the best ever at being humble.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your "scary" battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Two black guys go into a convenience store, Pay for their stuff and leave.
What do you call a developmentally challenged member of the ruling elite? An autistocrat.
TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask Whoops, wrong sub
Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.
How does Robin Williams go thrift shopping? Good Will Hunting
Some guys are afraid to finish when fapping... Not me, though. I ain't afraid of nuttin!
How do Canadians say Milky Way? Milky Eh.... Get it?
I had a weird dream last night that I was eating huge marshmallows! I woke up this morning wanting smore!
Behind closed doors, Rachael Ray prefers the sluttier olive oils.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? Give her a shovel.
How do you eat an Indian taco? Lift her gut.
Went to the doctor today and my many years of phone sex has finally caught up with me. I have hearing AIDS now.
Breaking - Trump emailed Hillary Clinton his tax returns She just accidentally deleted them.
Have you seen www.busfull.com? No I'm afraid that one passed me by.
The NSA The only part of the government that actually listens
What do you call a Japanese pirate? J-Peg.
Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink...
This will make you feel old: Die Hard came out 67 years ago today.
What is a Jew's least favorite animal ? A dolphin
Removing the skin of an orange... That's appealing.
When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes... ...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.
[mean joke to girls from guys] I really hope you get the hottest boyfriend So I have a chance on hot girls
"You talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" Ask the lady to the guy on the wheelchair.
Chinese girls number I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people's inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
One thing that Sean Connery asked his wife only once and never again. To sit on his face.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It's like they don't even know I misspell English words also...
My love for you is like gonorrhea... It burns!
I've had intimate problems all my life. I just can't get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.
Whats the square (root) of a (onion)??? Shallots ^_^
What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.
Lesbian Pick Up Line "Hey girl, you wanna go swimming? We can do the scissor kick."
What does Batman like with his whiskey? (Gravely voice) "Just ice."
Girlfriend said she went to the doctor. He said she couldn't have sex. I asked, "what did your dentist say?"
my revisionist Snakes on a Plane movie is just some snakes going on vacation and having an awesome time
Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross? A: So it could become a first-aid kit.
B: If you have a sore throat... B: ...I can lend you my throat medicine. G: Throat medicine, huh? B: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK G: Uh huh B: IT'S CEPACOL G: Weird name to call your dick.
I came home drunk last night and my wife looks at me says "Drunk Again" and I said "Me Too!!
What word has the most letters in it? Postbox.
What is it called when Batman wants to leave Church early? Christian Bale.
What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside, starts with C and ends in T? Coconut.
My work signed me up for a 401k But I've never even run a marathon
What do you call a Mustard that keeps remembering things that haven't happened yet? dijon-vu mustard... (Sorry)
A man knocked on my door this morning, asking for a small donation towards the local swimming pool... So I gave him a glass of water.
How are puppet shows and politics similar? They are both a bunch of silly characters yapping at each other with someone else's hands up their asses.
*hands you baby* Here's your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn't come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born.
Prostitution work laws If a hooker gets pregnant, can she file compensation for an on the job "accident"?
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's a hardware problem
My wife's a magician. She can turn anything into an argument.
If we are going lose the Washington Redskins, are we getting rid of the Scalpers too?
I would never feed you to the wolves. You're too toxic and I like dogs.
My girlfriend wanted me to tease her so I was like "alright fatty"
As mad as I have been at my boyfriend, I still have never demeaned the size of his penis... That's just a dick move.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist...? ME: did ur parents realy name u 'Job'? especialy with a last name like urs?
My science test was like Jesus and the Cross... I fucking nailed it. Ok, I'll go now.
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand And says, "make me one with everything"
The GOP debate. What a shitshow.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives. Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Baby circumcision [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/DbgAFxp.jpg)
Love' is picking up tampons at the supermarket for your girlfriend. True love' is inserting them.
You show me a migraine and I'll show you a real pain in the neck
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
What do you call a pirate's girlfriend? Pirate bae
What did the daschund say when he was neutered? Auf weinersehen
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I'm heartbroken
Yo girl are you popcorn? Because I'm trying to butter you up.
Did you hear about the man who died of a viagra overdose? They couldn't close his coffin.
So I'm in Ikea.... ...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?" and she says, "No, it's Swedish." (edited to make more better)
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? An addictionary Alternatively: High definition
Guy walks into a Broadway costume house, tells the guy he wants one red, one blond, and 1 brunette merkin Clerk says - shall I wrap them up, sir? He says - no, I'll eat them here ...
How do you get to Nazi Germany It's on the third right EDIT: Woah this is like my third day here front page? I feel special now.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee Sorry
What is a bee's favourite classical music  composer ? Bee-thoven !
Christians will make a big deal about a cross But do you think Jesus is attached to it?
The next terrorist attack has apparently been launched in the stall next to me in this Target bathroom.
You never realize what have till its gone........ Toilet paper is a good example of this.
There was a little girl who had a curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very good. But when she was bad, hot damn, she was terrific!
If my Sky Internet gets any slower by the time this video has downloaded the girl in it will be legal.
A green man lives in a green house. A red man lives in a red house. Who lives in the white house? the black man
Why'd it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants, and a dirty bus stop? One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean!
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light-bulb? None. Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.
I get so excited when someone brings out the cake at a birthday party because that means I can leave soon.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
That's the last time I play Twister with a guy in a kilt.
Santa's sack is on the sleigh... Q.-Why is Santa Claus's sack so big and heavy ? A.-Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it is down a chimney!
him: what do u wanna be? me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Bloody Foreigner... ...coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Some grammar Nazis told me about a seminar they are going to attend about cause and effect. They're there to affect its effect and it's there for their two affects too.
Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.
The Doctor says: "Mrs Jones, I think your 7 year old is watching way too much TV" "How can you tell?" asked Mrs Jones "He just asked me if Cialis is right for him"
Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I'm on the toilet
A Mexican, a black guy, and an Asian are in a car. Who's driving? They better hope it's not the Asian.
What's the worst thing to say to a hipster? You remind me of someone
Why was the Amish prostitute shunned? Because she was up to three Mennonite.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
1.Why did Sara fall off the swing?? 2.Knock Knock 1.She didn't have any arms!! 2. Who's there? NOT SARA!!
What kind of apes can you find swinging on vines? GrApes
Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods... ...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."
You hear about the love struck super magnets? Whenever they met face to face, they just couldn't seem to connect, however the moment one turned to walk away, they were nearly inseparable.
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you've heard Jamal.
1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know 2. Friend request them on FB 3. Tag them in 238 photos
You know that guy who looks like that other guy in that show we used to like? He died. - how my wife and I communicate
One of my cats learned how to open doors and now he opens doors for the dog and I live in an 90's family movie.
Imagine if our butt crack was horizontal There would be a clapping sound everytime we go up the stairs
In colllege what was the difference between pumpkin pie and my girlfriend? I shared the girlfriend.
Free wifi! Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Police Officer: Why are you driving in a  bathing suit? Motorist: I'm in a car pool.
Girl's idea of Valentine's Day. (???(?.? )? Guy's idea of Valentine's Day ( o )( o?(^?^?)
How do you tell a hypocrite from a normal person? The hypocrite's the one that exists.
Roses are red violets are blue celery is green bees are black and yellow please help me I can't stop pumpkins are orange satan is vermillion
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
The stock broker said to his mistress I'm going to put everything I've got into rubber, and if it comes off I'll marry you.
Have You Heard About the New Italian Sports Cars? Dago up a hill, dago down a hill, and when they get a flat tire, dago wop-wop-wop-wop-wop.
When I'm rich I've decided I'll buy homeless people state-of-the-art shopping carts complete w/wheel spikes for an advantage in can fights
What's the difference between someone falling from 21st floor and 1st floor? 21st floor person goes: AHHHHHHHHHH *thump* 1st floor goes: *thump* AHHHHHHHHHH
A man goes to a zoo but the only animal there is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
Do you want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism
I got in touch with my inner self today And that's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper
Hezbollah put out a new Moisturiser... 100% Shi'a butter.
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a gluestick? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Your mama is so stupid... ...during the first ultrasound, she asked her OB/GYN if the baby was hers.
mum just asked me why i was putting icecream on my oatmeal and w/o hesitation i said "im one of the most dangerous minds of my generation"
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast? Weedie Bix!!
Why did the cell phone need glasses? Because it ran out of contacts.
Apparently, my office doesn't think the women's restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.
People cry about homeless dogs... Yet it's free to adogt them and no one dogs...
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Whats a fly without wings? A walk
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they're full.
What do you call a French sexual offender? A crepeist.
Why would the Higgs Boson feel unsafe in a country where the leader openly practiced genocide? It would be a land of mass-murder
What if Bane's mask was really just a cool, elaborate electronic cigarette?
What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? Penne (Pen-nay)
Him: "Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?" Me: "no." Him: "well, what kind of chips would you prefer?"
I'm supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Headline: "Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don't respect them, study finds". AKA, "My eye is up here".
Germans today are so lazy; It's been more than 70 years since they last invaded their neighbors
Why is 10 traumatized forever? Because he was right in the middle of 9-11.
My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming, I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!
[Being kidnapped] Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome kidnapper: its been 10 minutes me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Guys, it could be worse. Male random baldness could have been a thing.
Camouflage training The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning." "Thank you very much, sir."
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it's in.
What do you call a man who makes fart scented candles? Incense-itive
If you're upset with someone, write down your feelings in a message. Put the message in a bottle. Hit them over the head with the bottle.
Tell the Punchline first. How do you ruin a joke?
I was just sentenced to Prison for my part in a timeshare fraud. I have to go to prison for two weeks every year for 20 years.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, feminists can't change anything.
[Ghost Hunters] This ghost is a male, probably in his 40's -how'd u figure that out? He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up
What did the painter do when he was angry? He made a scene.
Friend: I'm pregnant Me: You should have just got a dog
First rule of flight club...no penguins.
Why is the love of a woman with 20 children magical? Because it feels like a wizard's sleave.
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to take credit for it.
Things we can't say by color. Things a white person can't say: The "N" Word. Things a black person can say: "Thanks for the warning officer."
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? You wave :)
A blonde opened a hair salon next to a graveyard and named it ''Curl Up and Dye.''
A son is coming out to his father "I'm gay" the son says. "You aren't thinking straight" says the dad. And then they laugh and hug, for it was a dad joke.
"I totally nailed that guy" - Roman soldiers
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Man cheats clearly A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
What is a goat's favourite form of comedy? Satyre.
Just got a peek at Santa's naughty list! Amazingly, it's almost identical to my friends list. Can't believe some of the things you people have done!
What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees....
I'm pretty sure I'm a hypochondriac.
"I'm Googling some people to play Wii with" -2010: normal. -1997: weird as fuck.
My dad used to wash my mouth out with soap... But that was just to get rid of the DNA evidence.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... (Self-Repost) ...One turns to the other and says "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!".
What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.
How many rocks did Hank Schrader have in his collection by the end of Breaking Bad? None, they were all minerals.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn't fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
What do you call a baby deer's droppings? FawnDoo! Nailed it.
I like my women like the World Trade Centers Tall, hot, and going down
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I wonder if they got jokes in Russia about "capitalistic America"... In capitalistic America, bank robs you!
I'm a racist person and my mouth says racist things but my penis is a humanitarian. - Dave Chapelle.
My girlfriend went to Florida She blew his whistle; It went down for real.
If you send her a message and she doesn't reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Toucan
I told my dog to heel... So he went to the hospital and did all he could.
There's this one girl student in my class that always dresses slutty and shows of her curves... ...and that's not even the best part about home-schooling
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic... But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
I shot my first turkey today... ..It sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
Brown Bell What's brown and sounds like a bell? Duuunnnggg
THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP. "Wrong house guys." ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? "Yup, happens a lot." OKAY COOL, SORRY.
"Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?" - Because they're poor and have to reuse everything. "Pfft losers"
Even after repeated search attempts, the atom couldn't find its lost electron... Yet, on the brighter side, it remained positive.
Ever heard of the blind gynecologist? He could read lips
John went to the doctor saying that he cannot stop thinking and hear about skittles he was going crazy and paranoid. The doctor diagnosed him with Skittlophrenia.
Why were so many men offended by Trump's "Grab the pussy" statement? Because today's America has so many men that are pussies and they feared Trump was talking about them.
Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook "Year In Review" but it was bad enough the first time.
Here's an offensive joke, what's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra, you bastard.
Donald Trump has done so much good for American education. Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."
I heard William Shatner and Stevie Nicks are getting married. She's decided on a double barrelled name Stevie Shatner-Nicks
I was going to make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen but NaH
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A Synonym Roll.
You show me your boobs and I'll show you my tattoo... Tit for Tat
How to clean your keyboard aaaaaaaa'kdnf...........,mnnbcvxeuw8301435555555556789+0 zx,cmmmmmmmmmvnsdbasfkoljfsw
Chivalry isn't dead. He's just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
what did the emo say to the dull razor? Sorry old friend... You just won't cut it
Once you go black..... You can't get credit
Grandpa and Kid Jokes Grandpa: kid....see!! Your Teacher is coming... You're better hide..!! You're absent today Kid: Grandpa!!! not me but you!! I told her that "You Died"
4yo: I want to play squirt guns Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry? 4yo: YES Me: Okay, let's go
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives
When I was young I used to be young and stupid. Now I'm just stupid.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
This vegan I met said she knew me But I'd never seen herbivore
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Doctor, doctor! I only have 59 seconds to live! Just a minute!
My boss told me to "dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Last year my ex got mad at me because I was masturbating during a shower.. ..which usually wouldn't be a big deal, but.... It was a baby shower.
What do Winnie the Pooh and Attila the Hun have in common? The same middle name.
So a blind man walks by a fish market... And when he walks by the market he takes a deep breathe and says... hello ladies!
Hi I'm Dan, welcome to identity theft club *from back of room "me too" "me too!" "uhhh, yeah me too" Ok, we're off to a great start guys
Hey man, your mom is like snack... Free-to-lay... I don't know...
Did you know that people from Dubai don't like "the Flintstones"? ... but Abu Dhabi do!
Who do you call when your x wing is stolen The poelice
I bet "Fifty Shades of Grey" won't make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
What's the difference between a Dutch oven and a German one? The type of gas used.
How do you fix a woman's watch?  - It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.
This commedian went up and only had one setup and punchline his routine was a joke
What's the best thing a midget can catch? Air.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON'T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't here a vitamin.
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because he wanted to get a long little doggy :)
Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves
What's the difference between snowman and snow woman? Snowballs.
Why do skateboarders make lousy plumbers? Because they only use half pipes.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses* From the back: Actually I'm gluten free now. Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I broke my can opener.... .... I guess it was a can't opener. Source: happened when I tried to open a can of soup this morning.
Why are there so few professional pedophiles? Most of them prefer playing in the minors.
Why are foodfights forbidden in japanese schools? The children always end up with lice in their hair.
What do you call a Mexican firefighter? Jose
My Dad finally said that I was funny. I asked him if he loved me.
Why didn't the oyster have any friends? He was shellfish. Woo! Been thinking for days trying to come up with some OC to blast your brains with.
If Jack helped you off a horse Would you help jack off a horse?
Facepalm? Is that FaceTime for blind people?
Why do republicans hate math? They were never comfortable with integration.
I can never remember if it's "laying" or "lying." Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road. :(
Wanna hear a joke? Sleep. (I know, I don't get it either.)
My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I'm left wondering just how much he's actually been listening.
He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then...he insulted my tweets.
I'm 100% sure Zebra's didn't earn those things.
What do you do when you see an Indian limping? Stop laughing and reload. (Sorry)
Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.
All my friends clubbed together and got me a sweater I would've preferred a moaner or a screamer, but you can't have it all
If ISIS would really like the world to know their intentions.. they should kill a lion
Celebrity Deaths would scare Stevie Wonder. But he would never see death coming.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.
What do you call a dog in a diving bell? A sub-woofer
I know they're awful, but... Care to share your favorite "dead baby" joke?
That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A Meowntain
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I just find that blunt pencils are so... ... pointless I'll find my own way out
After decades of intense research, scientists have finally figured out what a woman wants Unfortunately, she's since changed her mind.
"You have sexy calves." -Pedophile bull
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table... Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why are vampires like false teeth? They all come out at night.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four one to change it and the other three to deny it.
My friend David lost his ID the other day Now we just call him dav
Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.
Just think of the money we could have saved with Hillary. We would have saved 24% by hiring a woman.
I don't always tell dad jokes But when i do, he laughs
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember.. there is someone crash testing volvos
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.
Did you hear what happened when Oedipus got flu? He became one sick mother fucker.
Why should rednecks NOT vote for Trump? Because Trump wants to build a wall, and a wall is what killed Dale Earnhardt.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I dig, She digs, He digs, They dig, We all dig.... Its a beautiful poem....very deep.
You won't believe how these like-minded high schoolers are luring new student victims! Clique Bait
If "con" is the opposite of "pro".... What is the opposite of progress?
Hillary and Donald are in a plane that crashed. Who survived? The pilot who jumped out with a parachute.
u cant teach an old fern new tricks. u cant teach any fern any tricks. basicaly a fern makes for a verey disobedient pet
Being the first to move in chess. It's a white privilege.
What do you call a guy who's great at tying flies? A *master baiter*
There was one good thing still to be said about the politician who went to prison for stalking... He was a man of the peep-hole!
I got a haircut recently I didn't like it at first, but now it's growing on me.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and an orange? One is wrinkly, sour, and orange. The other gets picked by Mexicans.
I made a new drink out of isopropyl, lead paint, and cat urine. I call it a "You Tube Comment".
You know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children? Because he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.
I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.
When they say, "life is like a box of chocolates", what they really mean is, "life is like a box of shit disguised as chocolates".
[son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's this Son: it's our house Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village ? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
Why did the Redditor cross the road? To repost this joke on the other side.
Why are there no good racist jokes for white people? because, only whites are racist.
*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
Two spices are talking One spice says "man it stinks like b.o. in here!" Other spice says "come on man I'm only cumin"
How many terribly overused Vine memes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ***19, you dumbass. Its 19. not twenty-fucking-one.***
Why was the hot teacher promoted to principal? Because she was the Headmaster! My first submitted joke :)
(boom boom clap) (boom boom clap) Daisy you're a dog you're a good dog Playing in the park Gonna eat some cool bugs today
Why don't black people go on cruises? Not falling for that one again.
You must be pretty famous! After all; bill gates did name his company after your dick.
It would be funny if, with everyone freaking out about global warming we ended up dying in a good old 60s throwback nuclear war with Russia.
What do you call a well respected slave? A butler.
What should you do if you get an erection on the subway? Get off at the next stop!
My Grandfather died quietly in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
This is just a quick reminder that we're all gonna die one day so don't get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Nickelback walks into a bar.... So Nickelback walks into a bar, and there is no punchline, because ruining music isn't funny.
A Kinect game made me angry enough to throw the controller at a wall... I've been in the hospital for 2 days now.
Donald Trump is going to outlaw shredded cheese. He's gonna make America grate again.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the rest of the people in the car!
Why can't Mexicans play Uno? They always steal the green cards.
What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A centipede
What do you call a letter written by a feminist? Hate male
Where did people find out that Pluto was no longer a planet? The orbituaries.
Why was the army recruiter in the nursery? To find more people for the infantry! I'm sorry.
movie reviews r fun to read if u imagine the reviewer is complainig abot their life: "bad dialogue" "not funy" "why is shia labeouf in this"
I hate it when people call me four letter words like innumerate.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Snickers Bar? One wants you to put their chocolatey nutty goodness in your mouth, and the other is a child rapist.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They aren't falling for that one again.
Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.
"Time heals all wounds ;)" - Rattlesnakes
I like my women like I like my antiques. . . Oriental and fragile.
I miss you like... post your funny ending! let's see what we get...
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Why is the ocean always salty? Because the land never waves back.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - House Wife Barbie ...dressed in ratty old housecoat; comes with dirty laundry and sink full of dishes
Went out last night, i got so wasted that when i got home apparently i blew chunks. Chunks is my dogs name.
I donate money to single mothers going to nursing school... One dollar at a time.
How is sex like air? It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
I bought a universal remote today. I was disappointed to find out that it does not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar* "barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn..." *lowers shades* "$200 every 4 months"
I went to a conference for leg less woman, that place was crawling with pussy.
The "cool" side of your pillow secretly has a lot of the same insecurities that you do.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Why did the manic depressive cross the freeway? To get to the *other side*
What do you call a Finn, who gets something done? -Finnished
Hillary Clinton is... hilarious.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word "why".
Teacher and Student Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me* Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
What do you call a mexican fighting a priest... Alien Vs Predator
8/11 Never Forget What? Too Soon?
USDA steak inspector? YEP! Chuck Testa!
When I go to a business that offers hand sanitizer by the cash register, I spit in it and say, "If it works, that shouldn't be a problem."
A kid asks his dad "What's worse: ignorance or indifference?" "Johnny", responds his dad, " I neither know nor care." Edit: granma grammar.
Why don't people eat clocks? It's too time consuming.
What do you get when you mix an Insomniac a Dyslexic and an Agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog?
You can lead a horse to water but only if you grew up on a farm or something.
Why is it called a shampoo.. If it smells good?
Me: What do you think of my tweets? Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say? Wife: You're consistent.
what would happen if all the rattatas died? They would be eraticated
How does good king wenceslas like his pizza? (An old classic) Deep and crisp and even
There has been a bomb explode in Scandanavia? There's Norway i would sink Oslo as to think of a joke for that.
What time does an engineer set his alarm clock for? Around Thevenin the morning
When I Was a Kid, My English Teacher Looked my way and Said, "Name two Pronouns." I Said, "Who, Me?"
I love when people misuse the word "literally". It literally makes me fart rainbows.
What shoes did the pedophile wear? White vans hah
Why did the boy die when a car ran over his finger? His finger was up his nose.
You give a few pot heads a bunch of weed and nothing to smoke out of and suddenly they all become engineers. It's amazing.
What's Quentin Tarantino's favorite place to visit? http://www.wikifeet.com/
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a homicidal rapist.
Wanna hear a joke? The broncos
Who makes more money: a prostitute or a drug dealer? Depends on who has the best crack.
In the Czech Republic abortions are known as cancelled Czechs
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Q: What do the Amish call a jar full of honeybees? A: A vibrator.
What do Palestinian children dream of becoming when they grow up? Old
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None! ... They just beat the room for being black.
Three elephants jump out of a plane. Two hit the ground and one lands in the water! Ba dum tssshhh!
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom. Me: Feh...I'll drive her wild in the kitchen *Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I imagine some people are like...: 'should I take the shower?...no...I'm taking the train today...'
So you've had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I'm crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Why did the Mexican lorry driver lose his job? He ate his tacho.
Menage a trois?! I haven't even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways
[shoves the new kid] ur in the wrong ballet class loser, this is for the experts only [low-5s closest bro while maintaining eye contact]
What do frogs deal? Croakaine
*wakes from a dead sleep* SHOULDN'T RED BULL GIVE YOU HORNS?
I was up late last night watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks... ...We were the finalists in a cream cheese staring competition.
MORON Q: Why did the moron throw the butter out the window? A: He wanted to see a butterfly.
People always ask why I only date black girls It's because I don't like meeting the father
Where do bees go to the bathroom at? at the [BP Station](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b8/Bp_station_zanesville_ohio.jpg) *Sorry, I know...its a Dad joke.*
Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I've never felt more beautiful.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
5 Strategies to stop arguing whit your Women 1. Admit she is right 2. Admit she is right 3. admit she is right 4. admit she is right 5. run for your life
What pair of shoes could the ginger only wear? The pair with no sole.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It's been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!
I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Why is it warmer near the corners of a room? Cause they're at 90 degrees.
I normally don't get a boner at Burger King But when I do, its a whopper.
Did you know some dogs don't pass the Police Academy? ...they didn't pass the pawlygraph test.
Two fish are sitting in a tank And one turns to the other, bewildered, and says "Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?"
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
if i'm bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i'd have to login using facebook, i'd be fine w/just dyin
I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.
My door was not working I couldn't handle it
Why couldn't Bing start a fire? No matches founds
How do people in Nor Cal get around? Hella copters
Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.
You know Michael Jackson had a pro baseball contract? Unfortunately he never made it out of the minors and into the bigs.
TIL 9/10 redditors are bad at math. I'm glad to be the 1%.
What do you call a lesbian with big hands Well hung...
"The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead."- Birds
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
What's a mouse's least favorite record ?  What's up Pussycat !
How many terrorist does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just hold a knife to its throat and threaten to execute it if it doesn't change itself
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I feel as though common sense should be referred to as the sense formerly known as common.
"Love" means never having to say "I'm scoreless at tennis"
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I'd be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*stands by cucumbers at grocery store *feels intimidated *hides by baby carrots *gets ego boost
-You think I'd make a bad Private Eye 'cause I can't read body language? I will prove you wrong! -Sir, you're talking to the murder victim
[first date] HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose? ME: definitely my ability to see dead people. HER:
Have you ever seen a duchess? Yes - it's the same as an English "s"
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie" only you do it yourself.
My colleagues call me the pussy slayer... I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel.
Me: Why do you love me? Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying? Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I'll be used to sharing the bed
Where do terrorists go for a drink? The Allahu Ak-Bar.
France and Italy Go to War. Who Wins? Neither. France Surrenders, and Italy Changes Sides.
How many Mexicans does it take to wax a car? 1 if you hit him just right
Just used my phone to record my wife snoring. She'd kill me if I ever played this in front of her friends. So... I guess this is goodbye.
Who said "Shiver me timbers!" on the ghost ship?  The skeleton crew.
Have you seen how expensive balloons are lately? Bloody inflation.
I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he's in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like "Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!"
A dad walks into his son's room while his son is masturbating. "Son, don't do that, you'll go blind." "Hey dad, I'm over here".
Popeye was a lonely sailor no wonder why he had such big forearms.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection. A fake name and a fake number.
if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving?  He gave tanks.
For her birthday, my wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 in 5 seconds. So I got her a weighing machine...
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink that's it. that's the punch line
"Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?" "No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken"
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I'm like, "what is wrong with me??" because I just got my car washed.
What's something that Slaves have and rich people want? Nothing!
So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.
Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I'm an idiot Me: Don't ask. They swore me to secrecy.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2...!!
I look forward to using the phrase "I'm gonna fuck you til you're pregnant!" in bed when we decide to have kids.
I tried to make friends at a midget convention by telling some jokes But all my material went over their heads.
Sometimes you just need a cunning linguist to get a tiny pianist joke. [[ Obligatory text]]
There are 4 gay guys in a bar and only one bar stool, how do they all sit down? They turn the stool up side down
My mom told me if she sees me on Reddit again she will smash my face to the keyboanfiauoprfh8u89puqeiofjrjr89qp
Have you ever smelled moth balls? if so, how did you get their little legs apart?
New rule for football: when a player is at the bottom of a pile after being tackled everyone on top has to whisper to him a compliment
What should a redditor receive after a terrible joke? Karma. (Please forgive me)
If you don't have anything nice to say, tweet that sh*t.
People say I should be ashamed that I'm still a virgin... I literally don't give a fuck...
Jesus, take the wheel Carlos, take the stereo
I am proud to annouce my discovery of Forrest Fenn's Treasure!!! It took SO long. Now I must follow the clues and locate the box.
I was going to make a joke about anal... But fuck it
Two sausages in a pan; one says to the other "It's hot in here isn't it?" ...the other one turns round and says "FUCK ME! A talking sausage!"
(Spoiler) TIL in The Revnant Leonardo DiCaprio's sleep number is one dead Indian son.
In light of the recent Taylor Swift &amp; Tom Hiddleston news. I believe they shouldn't have let slip they are dating and kept it Loki (Joke above)
There's a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"...
Big girls are like mopeds I'll get drunk and wreck them too.
People say filling animals with helium is wrong but i say, whatever floats your goat.
How many redditors does it take to send a letter? Three. One to post it, and two to repost it.
Did you hear about the widowed frog that got remarried? His first wife croaked!
What is Jean-Paul Sartre's favorite animal? Lemur.
So an Italian light bulb walks into a bar... The light bulb tells the bartender he needs ibuprofen. The bartender asks, "Why so?" The light bulb replies, "I'm a light headed!"
I try to spend at least 45 minutes on Chatroulette a night, but I usually have to stop early because my arm gets tired.
I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Waldo collapses on the beach because it's August & he's fully clothed with a ski cap. You spot him easily
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Why do jews believe in God? Because Isreal.
What do you call Korean soul food? Okra Gangnam Style
What's yellow and smells of bananas? Monkey vomit
I hate suicide bombers... ..... they should just kill themselves
Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone's facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.
"Waiter, I'd like to send this back" -m'am, I believe that's your husband.
[having heart attack] HELP...CAN'T...MOVE ME: Dude, are you ok?! [faintly] CALL...ME...A...DOCTOR ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Three guys walked into a bar and stopped
When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents Her mother says: "You bring great Shamus to this family."
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise? Me: Does sex count as exercise? Dr: Yes. Me: No.
What did Tarzan say when he saw a heard of elephants? Oh look! A heard of elephants.
Normal people flirting: Hey you're cute we should go out sometime Me flirting: So do you like bread
The Ikea corporation was found not guilty yesterday for assassinating a rival companies CEO. While there were several damning pieces of evidence, the detectives couldn't seem to put the case together.
It would be horrible if a Mexican male's name was rita. Hello, Senior Rita.
Someone told me that I looked familiar. So I asked them if they watched porn.
Yo' mamma is so dumb.... ... She put a ruler on the side of her bed to see how long she slept.
Why did the scale decide that the scam artists were heavier than the novels? Because the cons outweighed the prose.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
Miley Cyrus's fiance wants to break up with her. When asked why, he said that it's not twerking.
The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said 'I have no gag reflex ;) ' So I guess that means I'm taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I have never wanted to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought, "That's just spam."
Since everyone is writing a poem, please don't read mine [deleted]
Why did the guy stick guano up his butt? Cause he was batshit crazy
Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell. After: get them to put on pants.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Linda, this is embarrassing, but when I sent that email that you were poetry in motion I meant to type pottery. You look like a jug.
NSFL NSFW It's a dead baby joke... NSFL NSFW What's worse than a dead baby in a microwave?... The guy masturbating just outside the microwave...
A hippie goes to the abortion clinic. The doctor says: "If you want it organic, just go sit on a cactus."
*Ronda Rousey in the Doctors office* Ronda: I'm having trouble getting pregnant Doctor: Stop taking it in the jaw
How does Matthew McConaughey like his sandwiches? On rye on rye on rye.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job? Ones a rusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean! ahahhahahahahah
The Avengers all went for dinner. What did Bruce Banner have? HULK'S MASH!
Let me tell you about the raccoons that hangout in my garbage. They all have pistols and they would kill ur whole family for one Pringle
How does Hitler make his coffee? He jews it.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you're really clingy and annoying
What is the difference between an incompetent marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots but cannot hit and the other hoots but cannot shit.
The last time I stayed in a hotel I asked for a wake up call. So the next morning the front desk called me and asked "What are you doing with your life?" "I'm up."
I got an email from a prince in Africa saying I inherited 100,000 dollars. But my computer just says i got a virus... I hope it's not Ebola
Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All of the fans left Glutes (   )
My girlfriend's mood is like the graph of sin(x)..... Her mood goes up and down within one period.
Random woman in the store: What's in your mom's tummy? 5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby? 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.
The last Post-It note in a pack should be a preprinted reminder to pick up more Post-It notes.
My girlfriend's father asked me what I do... Apparently, "your daughter" was not the answer he wanted to hear.
Rejected names for lumberjacks: -Woodroberts -Treedaves -Logjeffs -Forestbills -Timberjims
There's a couple sitting next to each other Wife: I will make you the happiest person on earth Husband: I will miss you
Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling "Good one!" and high-fiving the air.
What goes vroom rrt... vroom rrt... vroom rrt... A blond at a flashing red light.
What did one guy say to the other? "You're a pain in the ass"
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
What's the purpose of propellers on a plane? To keep the captain cool. If they stop spinning, he starts to sweat.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
When my Dad passes, I will get a tattoo of him looking down at me from Heaven, disapproving of me getting a tattoo to commemorate him.
I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain't no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I  wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
What Time Do You Go To The Dentist? Tooth - Hurty! XD
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming
A black guy in the library just asked me where the colored printer is... It's 2015 dude, use whatever printer you want.
Zebras must be tough to eat. You have to sort through all that light meat and dark meat. Props to this guy at Disney
My dumb friend told me the 'pull my finger' joke ends w you farting, NOT shitting your pants. He's wrong, right? RIGHT???
In Soviet Russia... Light turns you on...
Why can't mexicans play uno? They steal all the green cards.
My buddies and I were running a train on this German girl I had to keep telling her there were only 8 of us.
This girl said she could see a bulge in my swim shorts and I was flattered. I looked down at my crotch and she said, "The other side."
My boyfriend recently called me his woman And now we're living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food
I'm a simple man. I just want to be rich and powerful enough to always get what I want. Nothing more.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border. The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?" The Russian answers, "Boris." The border guard asks, "Occupation?" The Russian says, "No, just visiting."
I'm not into bestiality but... I do like hot dogs
Christmas is over, all of the guests have gone home. NO PANTS.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd That would be stereotyping.
I often cry after sex. But in my defence, I use a pretty big onion.
Mr. Wong and Ms. Chin get married and have a baby. The baby comes out white. Being a little confused, Mr. Wong asks the doctor about this. Doctor says, "Two wongs make a white".
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you're elderly, they'll already have 40 years' experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cymbals ! Cymbals who? Cymbals have horns and others don't !
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have? Me: Define "true friend." Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.
Q: What does Santa say when he goes fox hunting? A: Tally hohoho!
How do you turn a fox in to an elephant? Marry it.
Pick-up line guaranteed to work every time! Does this smell like chloroform to you??
I asked my doctor "Just how bad is my halitosis?" "Pretty fucking bad," he replied, hanging up the phone.
Why do Jews try avoiding Jewpiter? Because its a gas planet! Its also why Hitlers gas bills were so high. *i intentionally said Jewpiter instead of Jupiter*
When someone says "We can still be friends" after a break up it's like saying..."The dog died but can we still keep it?"
What do you call a Latina with varicose veins? Vein-a-swellin'.
Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast. It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.
"OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant
What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly a dick in your ass
Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms out there! Scared you didn't I?
Four Worst Feelings Ever: 4. Losing your job 3. Romantic break up 2. Death of a loved one 1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic
How do you test a saltshaker ? You call in a redditor.
[at parent-teacher night] Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler* I see you're a coffee enthusiast, too Me: Coffee? Oh...yeah, coffee*wink*
How do Freudians describe the human mind? As a huge ENEMA, I mean huge enigma.....
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
How do you catch a unique cat? Unique up on it.
What do you say to a Female comedian who has just had a miscarriage? "You should work on your delivery".
Wanna hear a really cheesy joke? Just a warning, it's not that gouda. (made that one up during a slow night at work)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants The bartender ask, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate says,"Arrrgh, it's driving me nuts"
Why is your room like the Middle East? Because your bed is practically Iraq! *Hey, this subrettit has to have a few corny jokes right?!*
pedophile do you think pedophiles get depressed when they see a pregnant women walk into planned parenthood?
Your mother is a 10 On the Richter scale When she walks
Why did the farmer get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
If you watch Cinderella backwards.. It's about a woman who learns her place.
Non english speakers, translate the best joke you have from your language. Other redditors will have to guess from what country the joke is. Obviously, names and places will have to be translated too.
Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse? The living room.
I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.
How much does a cockney spend on shampoo? Paan ten.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and place a cherry on top of my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau...
No Job ?? Better Blow-Job than No-Job !
"Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?" -- My dying words if I had an aneurysm
So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago... ...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
What does Waka flocka order at a Chinese restaurant? BAO BAO BAO BAO
Did you hear about the Chelsea team without a player? No Mata!!
Did you hear about the girl who died in the Italian restaurant? She pasta way.
Clinton is so crooked... She needs a Kaine for support. (Credit to: /u/medically)
- Judy, you have such a great taste! - Steve, stop biting me!
I was in a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words...
The Breakfast Club Is membership into The Breakfast Club 5 UPC codes and $2.95 Processing &amp; Handling?
If sex is said to be the best exercise than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there's idea. . .
"If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt" - Nervous Nelly
My boyfriend got pissed because I didn't swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do. Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I used to love your updates. Then you pissed me off, and now your updates piss me off too.
Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They're asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.
Today, I walked into a restaurant. "Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
What is a bachelor's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe
Urugay still complaining about Suarez punishment: "Don t forget that 4 human months are 2 dog years."
Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!
If 9/10 people suffer from herpes.... Does that mean, the last one enjoys it?
Did you hear about the short sighted circumsizer? He got the sack
My buddy said that he was planning on making homemade bread. I told him to let me know if he kneeds anything.
What do fat people call the runs? The walks
How do you know if a pepper is starting a fight with you? It gets jalapeno face.
There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It's like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.
What is the hamburgers' most familiar song? 'Home on the Range'!
Eve: I got an Apple. Adam: ... Eve: ... Adam: ... Eve: What? Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android. Eve: The serpent said this was better.
911: what's your emergency? me: I taught my Dad how to text 911: the problem ma'am? me: he CALLS to say "yeah, got ur text"
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey. ICU baby, shaking that ass.
Trying out that new pickup line on a girl for the first time; whether it works or not, you'll wind up feeling a twat. *EYYYYYY*
(Restaurant joke) What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip.
My only goal is to run into Steven Spielberg, beg him to let me pitch a movie, and then pretend like I don't realize I'm describing Jaws
"Two parents that will never give you their love and approval!" -sad Buzzfeed post
Her: Is breakfast almost ready? Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage. Her: Can't we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day i decided to get sober. And tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I decided sobriety wasn't for me.
<---- homeless romantic
Black Santa reached into his bag of presents... He may have been reaching for a weapon. An officer involved shooting occurred.
What do you call a cat that has boils on its skin and can't feel it's toes? A leperd
A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?" I said, "1080p."
How did the Australian make the Olympics? He koala-fied!!!!! Buh-duh-tss
Do you know which place has the highest concentration of Jews? The atmosphere.
Computer nerd dirty talk I'm going to stick my D: disk into your V: drive.
A day after the Blagojevich verdict and a radical stylist announces plans to build a hair salon two blocks from the courthouse. Disgraceful.
"I invented the cubicle." - Someone hopefully in Hell
What's the Dumbest thing you've ever Done? Thank you very much for honest sharing.
What time does the funny stuff start around here? I can come back...
Joke for chemistry nerds ;) Argon walks into a bar and the bartender says: -We don't serve noble gases here! Argon doesn't react.
What do you call an all guy Christian party? A suseJ fest
I've kidnapped 100 kids and killed 10 of them Only 90 kids can remember
Some of you might get this. Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar.... .... And doesn't.
What did the leper say the the prostitute? Keep the tip.
How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.
What do you get when you click to see the punchline? DEEZ NUTS
Mountains aren't just funny...... .......the are hill areas!!
He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.
I blame my parents subscription to National Geographic when I was a kid for my preference for black women.
A priest a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
When we were vacationing in New Zealand, I bought myself a back-scratcher made from a Kangaroo claw. ... ... The only downside is when I use it on myself, I end up feeling jumpy the rest of the day.
its been a while since the last crazy frog cd. whats the holdup
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
Why was the necrophiliac depressed? His rotten girlfriend split on him.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it's actually one of the only games you can't lose twice
I'm so good at making puns they call me the punisher.
I've been a huge fan of bandwagons since yesterday.
What is the slight difference between a fencer's club and r/jokes You'll see a lot of ripostes in the first one
I'm hot blooded, check it & see/ I got a fever of 103/ why's everyone on the bus screaming/ maybe I shoulda wiped off the rectal thermometer
I don't know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse's body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.
Justin Bieber isn't gay he just likes to get his cheekbones blown out.
When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.
Some people are like clouds.. ..Once they fuck off it's a nice day.
u kno how we have burger king do u think in italy they have spaghetti king
I asked my girlfriend to shave her cunt. I woke up the next morning bald.
Want to here a joke? [Something something Irish drunk person]
Why are Peter pan Jokes always funny? Because they never grow old
Thinking about opening a restaurant for breast cancer survivors. It's called Hooter.
What do you call someone banned from an Indian restaurant? Persona naan grata! sorry.....
I called a colleague inviting him to an orgy. He asked how many people will be there. I said " if you and your wife come, there will be three of us."
Why were the elephants kicked out of the pool? Because they kept dropping their trunks....
Jesus can walk over water. I can walk over a cucumber. A cucumber exists of 90% water. This means I'm 90% Jesus.
when I heard the news about Nintendo's president... it made my eye-wata
*doesn't look up from phone* I do
I like my upvotes like I like my women. .. One at a time and not very often.
I know a guy who can get us in to Whole Foods without a cover charge.
My friend lives on a court with a sign, "No outlet." I wonder where he plugs in his TV?
rumours - Moishe, when you're not at home, the neighbors are spreading rumors about you! - Oh, when I'm not at home, let them even beat me!
The last time I got a piece of ass ... My finger broke through the toilet paper
You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
What does a Texan do if he breaks up with his girl friend? He dates his other sister.
I noticed that he called her 'donkey' all night, I asked why and she said....... HEEE-AWWW, HEE-AWWW, HEEEE-AAAALWAYS CALLS ME THAT!
Toddlers & Ghosts -haunt you at all hours -lots of moaning/screaming -unclear motives -not helpful with housework -randomly open cupboards
A man walked into a bar. "Ouch"
[LPT] Always read the comment section of LPTs. There's always a better LPT.
Okay kids, always remember: you are what you eat So eat loads of sweets and pass on those vegetables
I spent a lot of years on ships. I beat off in the shower so much that every time it rains, I get a hard-on.
How does Snoop Dogg keep his canine teeth white?  BLEEEEEE-YATCH!
I've spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.
I couldn't finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: "do you wana box for that ?" I responded " no , but i'll arm wrestle you for it "
Three is fore for four. And aft to two too.
"We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls."- President Barack Obamasaurus
If 'real life' was really that great, Twitter wouldn't be so fucking addictive.
The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing. Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.
I'm a Vegan Rasta... If I cannot smoke it, then I cannot eat it.
What do you call an average Mexican? Nacho average guy
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? A: Kitty Perry
*shoots self in foot* "Damn i like the metaphor better"
Where does David Cameron keep his hidden money? In the Piggy bank
Fidel Castro is dead Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.
what do you call a gay dinosaur? a megasoreass
Women Q: What do you call a woman without an @sshole? A: Divorced
Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage.
What's half a joke look like?
Bernie Sanders should change his name to Colonel. That way he'll surely get the black vote.
So, did you hear that the woman who won the international Strawberry picking contest has no legs? Jammy Cunt!
what do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? a dictator.
Why are recycle bins optimistic? Because they're full of cans. *ba dum tss*
"Since you both claim to be this infant's mother, we'll cut the baby in half." OK. Sounds reasonable. "Y...uh, alright then. Let's do this."
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat's carpet right now.
Rick Ross on Valentines Day "Shout out to all the pairs"
What did the botanist say to his assistant "WATER THOSE!"
What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception? Parents.
What do you call a girl hanging from a basketball rim? Annette
Why did the female pirate turn lesbian? Because she did not like sea-men.
Shout out to accordion files, conveniently storin' documents and expandin' as more are added and whatnot.
Turkey and Russia Turkey is going to be Putin place by Russia.
Did you hear about the man who drank bug spray? He pissed off.
Never trust an asshole. They're often full of shit. ^^^Sorry
Why did the geologist's wife leave him? He was getting physical (first joke hope you like it)
A cheetah stalking its prey would envy the velocity at which I click the skip button when Apple Music plays a Nickelback track
My strange fetish is smoke detectors When they go off it gets hot in here.
What do you call an Asexual who tries to be hetero? an Ace in the Hole.
My dog just fell off the bed. I'm glad I'm not the only one drunk around here.
What does a trumpet player use as contraception? His personality.
I don't have any of friends to share my video game screenshots with... Because I play video games.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore.
Why did Russia lose the race? Because it was Stalin! edit: Sorry! Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
Things I constantly worry about pressing: 1. "Like" while ex stalking 2. Send all drafts 3. A baby's soft spot Yes, this list is in order.
I'm in a very dark place right now. Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on...?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water... Or food... Or baby...
My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is getting better
That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me? -Your mother. -But my mother lives 5000 miles away. -That's why...
Mickey Mouse's lawyer calls... ...And tells him, "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because shes 'crazy'" and Mickey responds, "I didn't say she was crazy, i said she was fucking goofy!"
So I was eating out this girl one time... And then I tasted horse cum, and said ''Grandma that's how you died''
What do you call a grain knife? barleysong
How to test your dog's IQ A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
What do you call a sad Ent? Mourning wood.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb Exactly one. They are efficient... and have no humor.
Which part of an eagle is the hardest? The pecker.
Press 1 for English Press 2 For Spanish Press 1 or 2 for Indian
What did the jewish pedophile say to the child? "Wanna buy some candy?"
what did the gay sperm say to his compatriot? "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND OUR WAY THROUGH THIS SHIT?"
Saw a bad accident from my hot air balloon so I tried landing to help but just ended up killing everyone even worse
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Why did the prostitute had a second vagina transplanted on her hip? So she could make money on the side.
So many people want to hit me for my jokes, they have to stand in a punch line.
My protractor wanted to know what my plans were for this weekend Not sure what his angle is
think of the children! so a man is raping a woman in the park the woman cries out "THINK OF MY CHILDREN!" pervy bitch..
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am. Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Whats the difference between sex and US Presidental elections? In sex,the decision to choose the cunt or the asshole is a pleasure
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know y
Hyperboles are the most overused thing in the universe.
When an elevator stops at your floor, a nice thing to do is to hug the person next to you and say, "This was fun. Let's keep in touch."
I wanted to make a joke about a rapper I ended up making a Big Pun
I want to tell a kidney joke... but its just offal.
I'm trying to initiate a neighborhood watch program but the damn neighbors keep closing their blinds.
Somebody asked me if I was the Michelin man. It must be my *at-tire*.
The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane
I have fond memories of the sausage factory. It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times.
For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid anything salty Im gonna miss reddit
Jesus was in his room masturbating when Joseph walked in... Joseph sees him and says "Jesus fucking Christ!!"
This joke was the first post I ever made! Did you hear the one about Kevin Ware? He turned White Man Can't Jump into Black Man Can't Land.
Why don't quantum physicists have sex? When they find the position, they don't have the momentum. When they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What weighs 4 tons and is bright red ? An elephant holding its breath !
If you swap the fried cheese for cheese, the beer for wine and the cheese art for actual art, Wisconsin is just like France.
What are you supposed to do when someone is having a seizure in the bath? ...throw a load of dirty laundry in.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.
Storm What do call if it was raining Nazis? A Heil storm
What kind of bees scare neckbeards? Boo-bees.
What's black and steals your change? Vending machines.
If I actually said how I was doing when people asked me, no one would ask me how I was doing ever again.
I took a Holocaust class in college. Instead of A's the professor gave out gold stars.
What do you call three Egyptian women in a bathtub? Gorillas in the mist
Why do jews get their penises circumcised? Because women like their dicks 20% off
Q: What do you call a man who inherits a dairy? A: A Dairy Heir.
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
I keep getting claustrophobic in elevators. I've been taking steps to avoid it.
911 - 911 what's your emergency Me - I am Australian and I watch too much American TV 911 - .... Me - I don't know our emergency number
What do goats do to get off? They pasturebate
What's the difference between a pot of glue, a tuna, and a guitar? You can tuna guitar but you can't guitar a tuna!
Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let's be realistic lol
What spice do you find in hell? SINammon (Sorry)
Which do Catholic priests like betterapples or cherries? Neitherthey prefer boysenberries.
I'm sick of reading them, these vagina jokes have got to stop Period.
Q: Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward? A: Because two Eds are better than one.
Get out of any speeding ticket by assuring the officer that you're already miserable and adequately beaten down by life.
What do u call a lesbian with 9in fingers? Well hung.
How come Adele can call her ex 1,000 times and get a million dollars.... But when I do it, the Police show up.
Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo? They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.
PhotoShop Level:Expert Boy: Wow... You Look So Perfect with Incredible Body And Flower like skin... What do You Use ? . . . . . . Girl : Adobe Photoshop CS5!
My Dad says that the soda can is half empty.... We call him Pepsimistic.
Coffee makes my mornings. But Friday makes my week
What do you cal a wine hangover? The grape depression.
What did God say when he made the first black person? Damn, I burnt one...
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
What do you call a skydiving tonsil who's afraid that something bad might happen? Paranoid!
have you ever had Ethiopian food? neither have they!
Boy dog: "how do you like it bitch?" Girl dog: "ruff"
Two fish were in a tank, and one said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Toys these days That awkward moment when your toys make three movies behind your back. -Andy
I wrote a haiku about admins and mods [removed] [deleted] [removed] [deleted] [removed] [deleted] [removed]
It is too hot in India now There's a cap for that.
What do porn viewers and Donald Trump have in common? They ctrl+alt+delete the history thru don't want anyone to find
What did the Mexican prostitute give to the donkey after the show? Jorge.
Four Types of Orgasm. 1.Spiritual...."Oh God" 2.Positive....."Oh Yes" 3.Negative...."Oh No" And, 4.Fake......"Oh [insert your name here]"
My nose was clogged the other day. A dutch woman kicked me right in the face.
Looked up from a text message and thought, "Oh shit. I'm driving."
A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine and he said to her ... "Hey baby, we should bang sometime."
Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Filling out my Census form. I have to list every person who lives in my home for a majority of the time. What's your mother's name, again?
How do cities decide who gets to be in charge of wastewater management? They hold a runoff election.
What's the loudest economic system? CAPITALISM
Fun Fact: 100% of people don't know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else's house.
I once worked in a pathology lab... ...but I was asked to leave after one of my reports said "cause of death: autopsy:"
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Im not a lawyer But I do have a small private firm right now.
A man walks into a bar And the bar happened to be at crotch level and it hurt like a motherfucker
Today i learned that the average person has 8 sexual partners in their lifetime Today i also learned im a whore
What's the difference between a line of naked women and a magician? Well, the magician has a cunning array of stunts...
*Eating mini Reese's cups* 5&7: Mommy what are you eating? M: Dog poop.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying "Shhh" w/out being murdered
I remember my first internet boyfriend. I was 13, he was 55. <3
WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I just did my budget for August. If I don't buy food ... I won't need toilet paper. I think I'm on to something here.
What does a pirate light on the Fourth of July? A m80.
What do you call a blowjob from a ginger? Redhead
You know what makes me angry? Haemoglobin kettles. They really make my blood boil.
You've heard of "helicopter parents" but I had a "boomerang father". He was meant to come back but he never did.
One liner So two law students walk into a bar
Why can't you trust an atom? They make up everything.
Who's the most flexible man in the Bible? Job - he tied his ass to a tree and walked all the way to Jerusalem
1. Pick jeans to wear 2. Pull them up to thighs 3. Pants dance for 3 minutes 4. Take pants off 5. Put sweatpants on 6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I'm out of coffee until tomorrow, but I just saw three squirrels doing it together so I guess my Monday's balancing out pretty well.
What do you call an Asian cow in space? The Milky Wei.
Relationship status: DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
So Jesus walks into a hotel... he puts three nails on the counter and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Do you know the difference between curtain and toilet paper? -Do you know the difference between curtain and toilet paper? -No... -GUYS, HE DID IT!
Pfizer has come out with a new tablet after Viagra. To honor Tiger Woods, they have named it Tiagra. The punch line: Good for 18 holes.
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? A: White Vans.
Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
You know what really brings the child out in me? Abortion.
*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples* "The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared."
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Why if the best things in life are free the next-best things are so expensive?
What did the pregnant orange see after 9 months? The fruits of her labor.
My internet was down for 5 minutes today So I went downstairs and spoke to my family. They seem like nice people.
I've been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
I was gonna make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen, but NaH
My little brother dropped this on me; What do Mexicans say when they're cold? BRRRRRRRRiba!
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.
Why is santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A friend of mine offered to tell me a joke using the UDP protocol, but then warned me I might not get it.
Whats black on top but white on bottom? Rape.
Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years? A: Somebody dropped a shekel.
Where can you find baby dwarfs? At a dwarfanage
When applying for a job in the hair industry... Do you have to hand in your Tresemme?
"Daddy, what does 'autonomous' mean?" "Do your own fucking homework!"
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
How to be Productive: 1.) Make a list 2.) Cross off the first thing on your list 3.) Reward yourself with a nap
If you're not buying kraft mac and cheese you might be buying an impasta.
Funniest YouTube channel? Mark Fitzgibben , Brandon Berg or BroKaine ? XDDD
People who try to prepare for the end of the world are obviously misunderstanding the core concept.
I'm doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I'm in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
What do you call a Cuban Prime Minister with a lot of attitude? Fidel Sass-tro
A GoFundMe, so I can buy an avocado.
I wonder why so many of us don't read our own emails and texts closely... ...until AFTER we have hat the 'send' button.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Daddy, what's for dinner? "did you have cereal for breakfast?" No "then cereal"
Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope Elrond: Have you seen their tweets
Why is it called the sistine chapel? Because the cardinals like to be in something, that isn't eighteen yet.
What do you call an atheist cartoon? Fedora the explorer
Leaving church just now, the priest shakes my hand and says "Love your neighbor" I said "Me too Father, she's got some tits, huh!??"
Everyone is worried Trump will pull us out of The Paris Accord... But Trump doesn't know how to pull out, that is why he has 10 kids.
So many environmentalists Are very eco centric.
If men have man caves, why dont women have woman caves? They do, we just universally named it the kitchen many years ago.
Frankenstein: Help I've got a short circuit!  Igor: Don't worry I'll lengthen it.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
How does the guy who drives the snowplow  get to work?
Two Muslim extremists chatting... One says: So I heard we're going to a concert on the 14th? Other says: Yeah, Guns and Roses.
How do you start a hedgehog race? Say "GAH".
Turkeys Recalled. Did you see the news story about the turkey recall? Check your freezers, because Butterball is recalling all of their turkeys because they forgot to butter the balls.
Monica Lewinsky released a statement on Hillary Clinton's run for president "I will not vote for Hillary," she said. "The last Clinton president left a bad taste in my mouth."
My hair is so long, it started growing it's own hair. Don't take that too seriously, it's metafollicle.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you've got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You'll get that moon eventually. He'll pay for what he did.
The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she's pretty he's not my friend.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cameron ! Cameron who ? Cameron film are needed to take pictures !
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at. Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Cause it was stuck on the chicken's foot!
Midget wrestling... ...seems like it would be a pretty short career.
Where did Sally go after the explosion? Everywhere
If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, They're lying.
What do you call a race ran by female horses? A mare-a-thon.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak? Because their entire species is extinct.
The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom. To which I reply "Are you going to fly up there and complain?"
Where do esport players go if they get arrested? Guantanamo ebay
Tried my hand at this whole 'cougar' business but I just don't like the taste of hikers. It's possible I read the wrong Wikipedia page.
Reading two books simultaneously is educational. I just learned that Cardinal Richelieu huffed and puffed and blew the 3 little musketeers.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense
Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
What do you call two birds in love?  Tweethearts!
What is a gathering of octopus called? Octoposse
What's better than a violin on your bed? A fiddle between the sheets
A priest and a rabbi are walking in the park. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "How much do you charge for circumscisions?" The rabbi responds, "They're free, but I get to keep the tips."
You know how to detect procrastinator,
"Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I'd like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham."
Thought my Siamese twin was giving me the cold shoulder. Turns out he was dead.
"I liked small butts. I was lying." - Sir Mix-A-Lot's teary deathbed confession
Hats off to those people brave enough to wear those silly New Years hats at work. No... I meant take your hats off. You look stupid.
I hate it when women can argue with you for hours... ...but two minutes into a blowjob and their jaw hurts
Someone snuck aboard the Death Star and stabbed Darth Vader with a lightsaber. It was a space in Vader.
Why are US flags different in San Francisco? They have gay bars.
I have plenty of jokes about unemployed people.. ..but none of them work. :3
Paul is coming over tonight Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything? [car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry] Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group! [Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Anybody know any good dirty jokes?
What key won't let you through any doors? A turkey.
I'm at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead ant Dead ant Dead ant dead ant dead ant Dead ant dead annnnnnt Dead ant
Why are millionaires bad at swimming? Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :( I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 85,432 times, you're a weatherman
What's the difference between art and junk? A plaque.
Grapes are so predictable at poker Eventually, they all end up raisin
There was a blackout last night... Don't worry, I got him.
do you like dragons? because you'll like it when im dragon my balls across your face
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
So apparently it's rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they'll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it...
I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, "Proud parent of your wife's kid."
Today I lost my virginity for a dollar I wish I didn't bend down to pick it up.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds I have no shame...
What do you call a mathematician who drinks too much? A functioning alcoholic.
Why is it once you go black you never go back? Because no one will take you back
What's it like never being flaccid? Hard.
I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.
I think my wife has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more and more evil... ...I don't know how much she charges him.
My safe word is "insufficient funds".
What's THE dirtiest joke you know? Please make it extra dirty with a side of dirty.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone's house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
How do you tell if someone is ticklish? You give them a couple of test-tickles.
My wife told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. I'm planning on wearing it this Friday.
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying "am I being detained?"
Some people say telling a joke about chavs is as bad as racism Nonsense chavs aren't a race. They're a subspecies
my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
Your mom doesn't understand Your dad doesn't understand Your friends don't understand But french fries, french fries understand you
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I'm like "What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me"?
Orange is the new... most used word on /r/Jokes
Why don black people go on cruises? Pssshh, they're not falling for that one again.
Why do people eat carrots to help their eyesight? They should be eating oranges because they have vitamin C. haha
Coffee rules everything around me. C.R.E.A.M. Get the sugar. Java java beans, y'all.
Don't email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn't watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.
Did you hear about the war on diarrhea? It started out as a smear campaign, but ended up being a real shitshow.
MAST JOKES: I was fall from 4th floor http://mastjoks.blogspot.com/2013/01/i-was-fall-from-4th-floor.html#.UQasZ2fq90Q.reddit
On the the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me.. Nothing. I don't have a girlfriend.
They say comedy is an aphrodisiac. So I guess when women laugh at me after sex it's a good thing?
I mostly want a relationship so my boyfriend can chase me around trying to put an ice cube down my back as I demurely beg "Dooooooooon't."
How do you make seven even? Take the s off.
I tried ballet, but I never got the pointe.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
What is the sharpest thing in the world? A fart. It will cut through your pants and not even leave a hole.
Why can't you email jokes to a jedi? Because attachments are forbidden
What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work? Antifistamines.
Please can anyone remind if the world has ended? I need to add it to the minutes for my gay agenda.
What part of "No" don't you understand? Probably the whole thing I'm guessing. It's a pretty short word. What? You're a squirrel? Sorry
*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie. "It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way." John: I know it doesn't say that.
A riddle or a joke? You are at a party with over 100 people, how can you tell which one is a pilot? He'll tell you.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist's knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That's good.
Why don't cows simply run away from their farms? Because they don't have enough sta**moo**na
I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other. He finally paid a contractor
What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse? A tale of whoa!
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!
Him: Boo! Me: Did you just call me your Boo? Him: I was scaring you! Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*
Where can you find a dog with no arms and no legs? Right where you left it
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn't seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
A dog and a cat walk into a bar. One starts licking its ass and the other says "Two can play that game!" They forget about drinks.
Funny Lance Armstrong Joke I just heard that Lance Armstrong got his medals taken away from him for using drugs.. This is crazy because, when I do drugs.. I can't even find my bike.
Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a beech tree and some nails."
What did every World Series before 2016 and gay bears have in common? No Cubs.
I want to open a religious store called Mysterious Ways... ...just so I can watch God work.
"Wow, more ABBA. Shocking." -anyone on road trips with me
Ladies, call me Adobe Updater, because I nag you at least once a week and never seem to work
What did the leper say after he was finished with the prostitute? Keep the tip.
Time travel I was gonna do a joke about time travel... but no one liked it.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
What's the difference between Pizza and Jews during the Holocaust? Pizza doesn't scream when it goes into the oven.
Purely a Fable One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch... But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.
I like my women like I like my pizza... ...hot, cheap, and on the go.
Did you hear about the incompetent circumciser? He slipped and got the sack.
Where do butt-pirates have sex? The poop deck.
A friend of mine told me all my clothes were gay... "Keep your voice down!" I yelled, "some of them are still in the closet."
Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I'm a good person. I mean, I'm going to report it stolen, but still.
CW: Have you had 5 guys? Me: *blank stare* That's kinda personal don't ya think? And that's when I found out it's the name of a burger joint
How can you tell if you at the gay BBQ?!? Its when all the Hot Dogs smell like shit!!!
Why do Christian figureheads not like science? Because it's about two Adams bonding.
Whenever a girl refuses to tell a magician her age, he cuts her in half to count the rings.
What's colorless and smells sweet? Chloroform SHHHH..
I touch myself when I think of you Oh! Wait It's not what you're thinking, I mean I'm mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
My hamster died at the weekend... ... he fell asleep at the wheel
Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops? Because they lactose.
What time do Lumberjacks take their tea-break? TREE O'clock!
What do you call wifi in space? Mars Bars
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical.
Why did the Sudanese boy get arrested in Texas? I'm not exactly sure, but it was about time.
71% of all statistics are ... ...made up
Marijuana doesn't kill your brain cells. You're just an idiot.
I Once Knew A Friend Who Got Mauled By Dogs His name was Ramsay. I have to give credit to my friend for this joke and thought to share it.
Why are gay men so well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing
What do you call a mentally challenged homosexual.? Flame Retarded
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Accounting for the toxins in the skin of an unwashed potato... about 457
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again." "Your Honor" the criminal said "that's what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn't listen."
When dancing and multiple girls yell "this is my song!" they should have to fight to the death to see whose it really is.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead annnnnnnnttt.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I'm going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it
A button on my car broke... Its a pressing matter.
Hummingbirds I finally found out why hummingbirds hum They don't know the lyrics.
People are getting way too eager for holidays there's 365 days till Christmas and people already have decorations up!
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who infer.
It's getting cold in here So take off all your clothes Then we can make a fire with them
What did Humpty Dumpty say to his girlfriend when she said they were breaking up? Is this some sort of yolk?
There's no "shame" in "glitter", but there's shame and glitter on me.
Time is money, so if you never accept a job, you have 24 hours of money per day, which is the maximum amount, so youre the richest man alive
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke....
It is so quiet in the Clinton HQ right now. So quiet you can hear an email being deleted
My girlfriend came home yesterday.... She told me to take off her shirt. I obeyed. Then she told me to take off her skirt, so I said "OK". Then she told me to never wear her clothes again
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Oh sure, just because I'm a woman means I have to do everything around here. And let me tell you..."
[watching House of Cards] where are the cards
What do you call a dog that is underwater? A sub-woofer! Thank you, I'll be here all day.
A guy calls 911 Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Guy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Guy: The ugly one is winning.
So Mary and Joseph finally consummate the marriage Joe checks the sheets, turns to Mary and says, "You really expect me to believe God broke your hymen?"
My kids think all food includes long, dark hairs as standard.
Why did the traffic light turn red? Because it saw the other one changing!
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus??? It only takes one nail to hang a photo
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it's gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
How do the female members of the Human League Ovulate? They use their Philoaklian tubes
what's red and smells like blue paint? red paint
#rubbishjokes Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
What is the worst thing a Jewish father can buy for his daughter? An easy bake oven!
What do me and my fridge have in common? Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne
What did one Melon say to the other after it was asked marry it? We Can't Alope
TIL Chicago is the #1 supporter of Latin women. They always yell: Go Chica! Go!
I've got a mentally disabled flamboyantly homosexual friend. I describe him as being flame retardant.
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth!  Never to be said to an evil genius... ever.
Notice how "me" comes first in merge? There's a reason for that.
Just like the DNC run-off between Hillary and Obama in 2008.. ...it looks a woman is going to lose to a colored man.
Goldfish 911: What's ur emergency? Goldfish: I forgot Goldfish 911: Forgot what? Goldfish: WHO IS THIS? Goldfish 911: I DON'T KNOW
The Irish must be very rich... ...since their capital is always Dublin
Men are like bank accounts.  Without a lot of money they don't generate much interest.
Why did Sandra fall off the swing? Because she has no arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Sandra.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it's an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
goals for 2016: 1) spend more time with my son 2) learn about his fav video games 3) defeat him 4) become video game household champion
why did the boy drop his ice cream he was hit by a bus
If you can't spell a word...what do you do? Find the locution
Where do poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto
"WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE MY IPHONE" - new thing I scream at my kids
Why did the Indian girl suffer so much when she broke her leg? She was in the wrong cast.
Fool me once shame on you, Unless you're speaking Spanish, then that's eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I hope you're not one of those pupils who spends all day on the Net and doesn't get any exercise. Oh no miss I often sit around watching TV and not getting exercise  either.
My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon. She learned to fight in prison.
Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter? They get chapped lips
I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk..
My girlfriend said she won't miss the iPhone headphone jack as much as everyone. Said she goes to bed to another miniscule 3.5mm thing anyway.
Just found $4 on the ground. Well, more like $2.40 after my ex wife claims her share
For sale: baby shoes, never worn. Wrong size. Should have bought from Zappos. (Note: original story reference here - it wasn't Hemingway: http://www.snopes.com/language/literary/babyshoes.asp)
Why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window? He read that it was an invisible solid.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad...may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad...may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I'll never hire a monkey plumber off Reddit again! I told him my pipes were clogged up, he recommended a banana for scale.
Did you guys hear the one-liner about the Monorail?
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio?!?! and the steering wheel, the dashboard, the windshield....
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What do you call a black bastard who never grew up? LeBron James
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
How many NorCal kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hella.
So I heard Robin Williams' new stand up failed. It was a little shaky at first but he really choked in the end.
So my friend asks me... ... How do people get Bill from William? I tell him,"The same way you get dick from Richard."
2 blondes walk into a building You would think one of them would have seen it
Me: Now what's the rule, son? 11yo: *sighs* If his first album came out after 2000, I can't call him a rapper. Me: You're learning...
Girl, you must be the cure for osteoporosis cuz I'm definitely gaining bone density.
Have you seen the movie Constipated? No? That's because it hasn't come out yet. Have you seen the movie Diarrhea? You can. It's still running.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man? An Instagram account.
You've heard of Memes... ..But now there's YouYou's
Want to hear a joke? Bacontaco
I could never join the army because I'd never be able to figure out what time it is.
I don't believe in peer pressure. Unless my friends do...
878 dead bodies lay there. Liam Nesson "Are we done?" Police: "Sure, I don't see any reason why we should arrest you."
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - fun way to announce a fart
A joke my religion teacher told to our class Roses are red, Violets are blue-ish, If it wasn't for Jesus, We all would be Jewish!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to shit.
What did the redditor do with the embarrassing naked picture he found of himself? Throwaway, for obvious reasons.
"So you're a foodie? What's a foodie?" "We enjoy eating out and trying new food." "So you're like everyone else, except you brag about it?"
Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it's going to be stuck that way forever
A copy of Mein Kampf that belonged to Hitler was sold at auction for over $20,000... to an anonymous presidential candidate.
when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.
A jewish guy asks his father for $20 His father replied, "ten dollars? what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter.
What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree? ...The holocaust
Seeing twin toddler red haired girls on leashes in Target was my birth control reminder for the day.
*zips up tent* [Wife]: What happened [Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh.. *flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
We have much to learn about the fabric of space-time. But we know you can't make a decent sweater out of it. Too scratchy.
What did David Crockett say when he looked over the Alamo wall and saw 3000 Mexicans? Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. I've been single for a while and I have to say, it's going very well. Like...it's working out.I think I'm the one.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey - that's pretty cool. Where did you get him?" The parrot says, "Detroit."
Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its "weird".
What do you call a homosexual on roller skates.. Rolaids. I'll see my out guys.
Did you know that Iceland has the death penalty! It's called Ramadan
My 6 year old wrote a knock, knock joke today. It My son: knock, knock Me: who's there My son: Nobody Me: Nobody who? My son: penis
Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best  baby of all time.
What do you call a free gigolo? Pro-boner.
IMAGINE if twitter, facebook, and msn all broke at the same time. we might have to actually get lives.
The cow goes moo, the sheep goes baa, the cat goes meow... ...the dog goes Ed...Ward.
You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.
The jews rated their trips to Auschwitz... they all gave it one star.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park :(
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
As far as I know original golf joke So what does a bogey have in common with a dead golfer? One too many strokes.
I watched Al Jazera and was very disappointed. Not nearly enough music from the 1920s.
What do you call a Syrian refugee on the Mediterranean? Bob What does a Syrian refugee call their pet? Dinner What's grosser than gross? Two Syrian refugees fighting over a tampon.
Why do Indians get cremated at very religious places? Because they all have a "Vera Nice Sea". (Say it out loud)
I wasn't good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I'm starting to look good eh?
Come on CNN it's not a snow storm. It's Mega-Winterpocalypse Snowmageddon Def Con 4 KillStorm 2011. Get your facts straight.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music" , but when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave the Hardware Store"
More of a Gay pickup line: I have naked tea parties about once every week. I have a tea pot now I need a tea bag. You up for that? (Ripped from family guy)
Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The sweats say I've given up. The Nike logo says "but not entirely."
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who likes to smoke weed ? A baked potato
Meteorologists, frowning, like prophets of doom, pleading with their Snow God for mercy.
How do you start an Ethiopian rave? You tape bread to the ceiling.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let's go steal all their shit!
If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.
Why can't two blind people get along? They can't see eye to eye.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? Mick Jagger screams "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!" A Scotsman screams "Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I'm waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
A small agency has opened in the UK to sell potential extremists to ISIS. Not surprisingly, business is booming.
I wish these fundamentalists would stop blaming natural disasters on the gays. Everybody knows Sandy happened because of the confluent evils of Wall Street and Jersey Shore.
[NSFW] What is the best thing about gaffer tape ? It turns "no, no, no" into "mmm, mmm, mmm"
Why are all Mexican jokes and Black jokes the same? Because once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
My friends call me an attention whore, but that can't be true Just look at me!
I was expelled from school during pajama day. It's not my fault I sleep naked.
Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking.
forever alone Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So now, whenever I open a crate of White Lightning, I always log on to Facebook.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. :-(
"My birthday's coming" Do you know what I need?" "Yeah but how do you wrap a life?"
If We Need Someone To Run Our Country Based On Building A Buisness And Money We Have The Wrong Donald. We Need Ronald Mc'Donald.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
What was Hitler's favourite video game? Mein Kraft
Alright. It's Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don't watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
What did the bee call his military mission? "Operation pollination"
If ball is life, where is the afterlife? Ballhalla
How does Ice-Cube drink his milk? Straight Outta Carton.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Pants
Mormon women Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!
If women can do anything men can do... how come they haven't oppressed an entire gender?
Know any good white people jokes?
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.
My new pickup line Does this smell like chloroform to you?
Q: How do you fix a broken pizza? A: Use tomato paste.
What do you call a timid person that uses Snapchat? A snapping turtle!
Yo mama is so easy even a caveman could do her.
Why did the man name his daughter Candy? She was the sweetest mistake he ever made.
Give a woman a compliment and you'll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she'll feed someone else.
Why was the piggy bank invented? To keep the jews away.
Knock Knock Who's there? You are (Directed by M night Shayamalan)
GOOD COP: I hate crime! BAD COP: I lost my gun. BRAD COP: Check out my abs.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with "...or else you'll die. " - I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
One How many time travellers does it take to change a light bulb?
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exausted.
What do a tornado and a divorce in the South have in common? Someone is losing their trailer..
Why did all the gay people in china go out to vote? They thought it was erection day
Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan? Because they're always in the lead.
Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
Why are orphans bad at baseball? Because they can never find home
How to become cool A) Put on sunglasses B)
"Honey, we're out of bootleg DVDs, and Samurai swords." - Flea Market attendees.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that's on you. That is your bad.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Did you hear about the farmer who equipped all his horses with firearms? He was a man who really wanted more bang for his buck.
*Runs 6 miles* *Adds Kenyan to resume*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband* Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
What do boobs and margaritas have in common? One is not enough. Three is to many.
A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF* He disappeared without a tres. **edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!
A joke I heard about the greatest story never told
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
What is the primary job of an alligator? ...make allegations
A seven year old girl goes to subway and orders a footlong Jared delivers
Saw a bumper sticker that said 'Jesus is the answer.' Two cars later I saw one that said 'Who farted?' Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
What Christmas Carol do they sing in North Korea? We Three Kims
Got caught up in a really great book last night... I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning!
Old junkies don't die, they just withdraw.
A girl walks to his boyfriend and says.... I have some good news and some bad news, and I'm gonna tell you both at the same time. Amongst all your friends, you have the biggest dick.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.
Did you hear that Rene Descartes accidentally committed suicide? He just wasn't thinking.
Police officer: what'd you take, you're sweating, shaking and going crazy.... Perp: nothing sir, just searching for The Lord!
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Today, I've been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
If Amy Poehler was a cold front.... She'd be the Poehler Vortex
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won't hit snooze, because then you'd have to hear Nickelback again.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
You either die a Chris Farley or live long enough to see yourself become an Adam Sandler.
Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.
My sister is gifting me some rain forest this Christmas... Is it possible to hire some local loggers or will I have to travel to Brazil and cut it down myself?
The only Christmas spirit you'll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.
"If you love something, set it free..." Unless it's a man... Cause he'll get lost... And you know he won't ask for directions...
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids! Wife: But we d.. *I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats Meet Frank and Dolores
I overdosed on viagra once it was the hardest day of my life
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pass Officer: have you been drinking? Me: pass Officer: You can't just keep.. Me: pass
Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.
I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day. He was a really nice guy.
Which wiki do dyslexic pastry chefs claim to be trying to visit before getting arrested? www.filopedia.org
What's the definition of awful? Putting a bomb on a disabled person's back and telling him to run.
I can't be Levi never tried speech wreck ignition soft wear be four. This is sofa king convene Yenta!
What did Redditor Jesus say to Lazarus? I see your dead body and raise you back to life (NSFL)
Want to hear a dirty joke? Pigs in the mud.
That moment when you leave a store but don't buy anything, and you're telling yourself, "act natural, you're innocent."
Why did the egg spill his guts at an AA meeting? He was addicted to crack.
Why is it called PMS? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
I wanted to tell you a FedEx joke... But there was already one yesterday, and I don't want you to get FedUp.
Why does Bono never get any mail? He lives on a street with no name.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers.... I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows." "What was that?" snapped my wife. "You herd."
Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..
What is Chuck Norris' "best karate move"?  Pork Chop!
My third bottle of wine was able to "breathe" for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Why did the hamster die? He just didn't have the wheel to live.
sometimes to end a text convo thats going on too long u gotta break out the big guns and say you're going to bed. at 2:30 in the afternoon.
What do you call a fascist in an ironic t-shirt Adolf Hipster.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the "Grease" soundtrack.
What did she say while cleaning herself after sex? Well, that's a load off my shoulder
Did you hear about the cook who stole parsley from his restaurant? They had to [garnish](http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/garnish) his wages.
"That's what she said" is a really versatile joke because you can put it anywhere That's what she said.
Q: What kind of cats lay around the house? - A: Car-pets!
I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.
I finally understood handling printers. LOL
To keep guacamole from going bad just be there for it
*Becomes a black hole* *Only absorbs corndogs*
Now that Donald Trump having a real shot at the presidency, who is most afraid? Every Juan!
What do you call a girl who is bad at drawing? Tracey
prophets this guy is making mines cleverly disguised as prayer mats. he says his prophets are going through the roof!
So two typefaces are in a strip club... one says to the other, 'damn, thats some fine print.'
What did the zombie say when he walked into the wrong tomb? I have made a grave mistake.
I'm surprised ABC hasn't resolved the Healthcare Crisis with a new reality show. Extreme Makeover: Universal Healthcare Edition.
What's brown and sticky? My dick after I fuck you in the ass. Edit: I only use this when severely drunk.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black
What did the hippie say when asked to leave the party? Namaste.
How many blondes does it take to make a great joke? Yes.
Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I'd push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent] ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Cashier: Will that be all? Me: No. I'm getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I've got so far.
What do you say to a robot with a good looking bum? Nice Assimo.
Bi?ch I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply
What's the best way to catch a fish? Have someone throw it at you.
its 2013 fellas, if youre saying anything other than "punch out a grumpy" to describe taking a crap youre a dinosaur
The monkey at the zoo ruined my new shirt. I should have seen it coming.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing... Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn't Tobey Maguire
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Did you hear about the orthopedic surgeon that replaced his knee with a metal implant? You could see the irony....
Girl on Facebook Heyy i have not seen u since high school. Me. It's been a while. Her. Yea been married 6 years now : ) Me. Unfriend
Did you hear about the pair of university professors who got sued for sexual harassment? They were two lecturers.
I've been up for 30 seconds and I am already exhausted.
Why did the rope get put in timeout? Because he was very knotty.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
Mariah Carey'a New Year's performance. That's it...
My phone died and my buddy said I'm sorry for your loss... Where is the service?
How did they get from one floor of the Death Star to another? In the elevader!
Should America Stop Dumping Money Into a Giant Hole? (theOnion)
I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting. Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.
YOU EVER SHIT SOOO GOOD YOU CUM? AND GET ALL LIGHT HEADED AND SHIT? -UNCLE SAM T.
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a budgie? A messy cage.
What did the French stoner say? 80 blaze it
Why are math students so skinny? Because they buy no meals. (Binomials)
My friend said he's moving Saturday... I would have offered to help, but where would we move it to- Sunday?
How do you keep a blonde busy? I actually took this joke from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nr339/how_do_you_keep_a_blonde_busy/)
Wow, somebody finally wrote a book about clock fetishes! It's about fucking time.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Annie! Annie who ? Annie-versary !
What is black and white and red all over, and spins in circles? A nun who has a spear in her, going through a vevolving door.
Two peanuts were walking down the alley... One was assaulted
What is a neck beard's favorite country? M'Laysia
Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly underestimated my love for cake. On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?
What do you get when you add human DNA with goat DNA I don't know but I was kicked out of the petting zoo..
My wife has developed a fetish with salad items... Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass. And that was just the tip of the iceburg
My ears were ringing, so I pressed keys on the piano to find out what note it was. There was a B buzzing in my ears.
Are black men becoming an endangered species? No! Endangered species are protected by the law. -Chris Rock
A rapper just came out with a line of premium sausages. Meats by Dre.
Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.
What do you call a female deer with no eyes? Cotton eye doe
What do firemen and Eastern European prostitutes have in common? They both go down on poles.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.
Home Work Jokes jemi:Teacher,would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher,ofcourse not. Jemi:Good because I didn't do my home work.
Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur
Did you hear about the pig who saved a man's life? There was this guy who was starving to death...
I just googled: how to deal with low frustration tolerance. In the first article, in the first paragraph, I yell at the screen, "WELL THIS IS JUST FUCKING STUPID!" True story.
What did the deaf guy say to the blind guy? I can't hear you, but I can see your point
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Cause it wasn't born yesterday.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I'm usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I've just seen. [hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]
What do cookies do when they have sex? They crumb. Alternate: "What does a cookie say when its having sex?" "I'm crumbing"
Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm? They take things literally
Note to self: Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink? Me: just cheese dip Waiter: .... Me: With a straw please
What did Santa say when big old fat uncle Alfred came round to chat? Nice to *sleigh* you!
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don't, or at least that's what I like to tell myself.
10101 = 20 Sorry, I'm a bit high right now.
What's your favorite Andrew "Dice" Clay Joke? Including dirty nursery rhymes.
[OC] What is said in both the bathroom and the police interrogation room? "Come clean, asshole!"
I went on Reddit once I reg-Reddit
Guess who I saw today? Everyone I looked at.
What do you call a Romanian grocery clerk? Scanthesku
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
What is the pinnacle of laziness? Having a remote control for your remote control.
I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them
We don't have locker rooms in Asia. We have ROCKER ROOMS! Hell Yeah! ~~solly~~
im straight edge i only drink beer and smoke meth
What do you call a deer with no eyes? Dnner
How do you win a superbowl without cheating? I don't know, I'm a Patriots fan
I only had one beer Cupcake Can i call you Cupcake? No?? Okay, I only had one beer Officer.
What do you call a Nun in a Wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
What's the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not going to joust?
My wife has this really weird fetish... She likes to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.
AMA Request: Innocent, uneducated rapist
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
What do you call a Doctor who received all 'D's in Medical School? Doctor
Why do prison guards use Proactive? To prevent further breakouts.
"All men are the same." Said a chineese woman as she lost her husband in a crowd.
Warning... Corny level is over 9000... What do you call a billionaire fish? A gillionaire
How many women does it take to bring down Herman Cain? Nine-Nine-Nine
My boss says I can be a lousy worker at times And I take that as an invitation
I've been working out at Starbucks lately. Hitting the french press.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.
Is it gay if a male doctor feels your balls while looking you deep in your eyes and isn't really a doctor but is just some guy at Target?
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
I'm a Gentleman. I'll always give a woman my umbrella if it's raining outside. Unless she's wearing white of course.
Dear Autocorrect, She's an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I'm never getting laid.
Just came up with this one Q:Why do black people despise environmental studies? A:Cause they always get hung up on trees.
To the people who will be posting 9/11 jokes this month: Please don't do it. Making jokes about 9/11 is just **plane** wrong. ~~dontkillmeforthis~~
I wouldn't last 5 minutes in prison what with my milky skin and Glee themed tattoos.
You can't buy a woman's love but you can buy a woman's heart on the black market probably.
*playing Mortal Kombat* Her: Can I try? Me: Sure. Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie? Me: Hadouken? Her: Yea. Me: Leave.
What is a traveler's favorite font? Times New Roamin'!
Why did Adele cross the road? So I could hit her with my car and shut everyone up.
What do you call someone aroused by shopping? A buysexual
I always felt that Daffy Duck was funnier than Donald Duck but didn't get as much recognition because he was black.
I think this sub is dying There hasn't been a post ALL YEAR!
A woodworm walks into a bar... and says, is the bar tender? ba dum tsss
Why doesn't Jesus like M&amp;Ms? They keep falling through. If that's not offensive enough, replace it with black Jesus and skittles.
How was copper wire invented? Two Jews fighting over a penny.
I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat? "Men, get in the boat!"
I was masturbating when I heard some one scream "Help". So I came as fast as I could.
knock knock nice try kiddo, i'm homeless
Whites are now a minority in California you could say there is Juan too many Hispanics.
I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
How many black people does it take to start a riot? One less than before
Ladies tell me I have the body of a god Buddha
Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won't.
I finished a burrito 5 minutes ago and I wish there was more. I now understand every Taylor Swift song.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment
A group of detectives did an investigation into the iPhone 7 They didn't find jack.
Just bought animal crackers and a kayak. I hate you Costco.
"there's nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
Just imagine Great Britain without tea... Grea Briain
Books vs. Mexicans Q: What do books have that Mexicans don't? A: Papers.
I have no idea who invented ballet dancing but I'm willing to bet good money it was a guy trying to sneak back into bed after coming home pissed from a bar
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
What is the best part about having sex with a gypsy on her period? When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
Every now and then I see something that brings a little tear to my eye. Last night it was my wife wearing her strap on.
Did you hear about the new mobile dating app for pedophiles? Kinder.
Tourette's convention rally What do we want?! A CURE FOR TOURETTE!! When do we want it?! CUNT! SHIT! FUCK!
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Simple Chat.. Conversation: G: Im done. Let's split-up. B: What? Why? Where did I go wrong? G: Oh, im sorry babe wrong send. B: Thank goodness!
Two big, strong, grey animals are talking to each other... Animal 1: Hey, you realize we have horns on the top of our heads right? Animal 2: Rhino
Rick Astley will let you borrow almost any movie from his Pixar collection. But he's never gonna give you Up
Do you know why black people have large nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Sometimes, when I don't want anyone to talk to me, I stand on a busy street corner with a clip board.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer... finally.
If we could master the look dogs have when we're eating in front of them, we'd be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don't have a baby. So no.
What is Ahmed Mohamed's favorite band? Dethklok
Did you know? Accordion to a recent study, 90% of the world don't realise when a word has been swapped with an instrument.
face down ass up that's the way I like to contemplate the fragility of my existence
What do you call someone who's both a Seahawks fan and a LOTR fan? A twelf
I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in the Freezer
[wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P: ... [to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary
Why'd the cookie go to the hospital? It was feeling a little crumby.
A Jew, a mathematician and an Irishman enter a bar Bartender says: "How did you all land up in the wrong joke?"
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter's 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
Thankful that Americans have one day a year when they can overindulge.
What do you call a cop in court for murder? Unlikely
Q: What has four legs and several fins? A: A happy bear!
I have so much uneaten hummus in my refrigerator, it's borderline racist.
I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk? A milk dud.
I think Inception really hit home with me because it's basically a story about sleeping.
Want to hear a joke about sodium? Na.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
ADDING BLONDE Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
Whats the best christmas present? A broken drum You just can't beat it ba dum tisssssss
What does a cranky Japanese person suffer from? PAST: Post Atomic Stress Disorder
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk? A milk dud!
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
INTERVIEWER: strengths? ME: I'm good at presenting both sides of an argument INTERVIEWER: great ME: which could also be a weakness...
Turns out yelling "I can see your package through those tights!" gets you kicked out of a ballet.
Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy... Lives in the White House.
A Trump supporter and a squirrel humping an acorn... are both fucking nuts.
Why have I never noticed the 'anus' in 'manuscript' before? It's like hearing music for the first time.
Why didn't British explorers dig latrines? They had pith helmets.
By shear coincidence... ...all these sheep look the same...
Waiter: These are the best eggs we've had for years. Diner: Well bring me some you haven't had around for that long.
Why do you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it.
25 pumpkins only 90's kids could spice
The first rule of Alzheimer's club Is don't talk about chess club
What did the blondes left leg say to her right? Nothing... They've never met
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz? The porcupine's pricks are on the outside.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs 1. Are your drugs missing?
It's so flat... It's so flat in North Dakota, you can watch your dog run away for two weeks.
How can a line be both short and long? It's a long line of midgets!
what do eggs benedict and a blow job have in common? you dont get either at home.
I can't personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful Well they do say that love is blind !
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Two cowboys looking at the desert horizon and a bunch of indians appear coming towards them... -Are they enemies or friends? -They are obviosly friends, they are coming altogether.
Space-X just used a multi-stage propellent catapult to send a small group of cattle into low-earth orbit. Its the first heard shot 'round the world.
What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands.
I like my women like I like my coffee Scolding and all over my legs
What's the official title for the Poopsmith's boss? We feel like we have the best two answers, and there's disagreement over who's is best.
I don't get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Told my doctor I had a headache. He gave me 2 hollowpoint "pills" and a 9mm "delivery system" Damn Obama Care.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I'm hiding in the bathroom.
How much did King Kong get paid for his latest movie? A gorillian dollars
There are two types of people in the world Employed people  and english majors
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
"I can't wait to move back to Mexico." -No Juan, ever
/r/LatvianJokes, you are Subreddit of the Day! Congratulations! Is only joke. Is actually secret police.
"Wanna play the Rape Game?" "No" "That's the spirit"
You're like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.
What do you call Muhammad Ali after he eats lots of beans? Gaseous Clay
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ? One is a super hero and the other is a simple command.
It's greats having your doctor say you're narcissistic. It's like being compared to the stuff of legends.
I've heard that you should always be skeptical... but I have my doubts.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand* ANTELOPE: You're crazy! OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I'm NOT going back to jail
*stands near cute dude in store* ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren't even in.
I think women are like a car and men are like real estate property in the way their values change. I'd like to know all the funny or interesting ways we could use this analogy.
What do you call a gay man with a hard-on? Homo erectus.
If I ever lost my phone I'd rather just start a new life in another city.
My wrists hurt every time I drive through a tunnel with passengers. The doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel.
What can be found in a Judge's freezer? Just ice.
A lesbian friend of mine corrected a misconception that I had.... I had told her that I assumed the majority of lesbians engaged in Fisting. Turns out, it's only a handful...
I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.
I could tell you a bad, groan-worthy pun about an angry bowler who lashes out and "strikes" a fellow bowler, but I'll spare you.
Wait. I'm not cool cuz I'm home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or...parents? Wow, I'm such a loser.
Knock, knock. Go fuck yourselves. - The straight-laced and frustrated FBI agent, played by Tom Hanks', joke in the movie Catch Me If You Can.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you're missing a huge opportunity if you don't tell people she's into human trafficking.
Why was Sir Isaac Newton buried at Westminster Abbey? Because he was dead.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods had a better driver
A woman is like a pool... You spend lots of money getting one, but you don't spend much time inside one .
As a non-US-redditor I don't understand why right-wing gun nuts don't get along better with left-wing SJWs... ...they both seem to love triggers so much.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.
I really respect Donald Trump's campaign He's doing so much to help raise awareness for autism.
What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture? I can smell your Kant.
Shot my first turkey yesterday... Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section at the grocery store.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.
If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Fake moms- 'I never want to be away from my children' Real moms- 'You drop that pizza, I'll put you up for adoption'
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear
My food pyramid is a cup of coffee sitting on a pack of cigarettes.
my wife is so ungrateful for christmas I got her an electric chair and she won't even sit in it.
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck!
A man's falling from the 50th floor of a skyscraper. When he gets to the 15th floor, he looks down and says, "So far so good."
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
cops should have two guns to get rid of crime faster . cops should be dual wielding by 2016
[staff meeting] "Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there's a 420% chance you shouldn't eat the brownie inside"
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant
The Patriots winning a Super Bowl without cheating
Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I'm sad? How do you always know when I need you? Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse. Me: I love you too
What do mathematicians do when they are constipated? They get a pencil and work it out.
What Super Models should you invite to your birthday party ? Cake Moss and Naomi Candles
9 volt battery and assholes A woman's asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn't, but soon or later you're gonna put your tongue on it!
"Make yourself at home." they say, then it's "Ma'am please put your bra back on." Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Your skin looks great do you use concealer? I dab.
Can I major in Life Hacks? Why not, I've already got two degrees that could be less useful.
How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb? 100. One to change it and 99 to stand around and say, "Hey, I could've done that!"
Drink coffee. It saves lives. One cup will decrease your chances of murdering someone in the morning.
I have developed a truly marvellous demonstration of Fermat's last theorem ... which this post is too short to contain
Eight bytes walk into a bar The bartender asks, "can I get you something?" "Yeah", the bytes reply, "make us a double"
How much do pirates pay for their earrings? About a buccaneer!
I can't have teamwork at League of Legends because... the only people listening to my calls are the NSA.
new shoes, new outlook on life. I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all week.
My friend asked me to make a joke about Yttrium. All I had to say was "Why?"
[traffic stop] Officer: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I'm guessing the aquarium called?
How many animals are in a pair of pantyhose? Well there is 10 little piggies, 2 calves, an ass, a pussy and a dead fish, no one can find.
What sort of dance do fish do at parties ? The conga !
So I was hanging out with this tree... It was shady, so I left.
What does a cat call a bowl of mice ? A purrfect meal !
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
What was the most reliable and helpful vehicle in the 1800s? The "I've got this Covered" Waggon
(Q)..... What Do You Call A Brunette Standing Between Two Blondes? (A)..... The Interpreter.
I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting Oops, wrong thread.
What's the difference between Brussel sprouts and snot? .. Kids don't eat Brussel sprouts !
What's the difference between a Zippo and a Bic lighter? Zippos are heavy. A Bic is just a little lighter.
What do you call Captain Forte and his sidekick Piano? A dynamic duo! This joke came to me in my delirious state after hours of band camp practices.
A Greek, a Spaniard and a Portuguese all walk into a bar. Who pays? Germany.
Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.
I got stuck in a shop the other day... ... because when I went to walk outside there was a sign saying the street was closed.
Did you hear about the short psychic who escaped prison? He's a small medium at large
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said 'free TV' and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date...
I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.
What's the definition of a surprise? A fart with a lump in it
What do you get when you put birthday candles on a pizza? You can't figure it out? I mean, it's a pizz'a cake.
What's your favorite "grosser than gross" joke? Mine is hickey on a hemorrhoid.
What's it called when a man cums inside a woman when in Massachusetts? Boston Cream Pie
Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos? Me: You have the flu. 6: I'm sick, not dead.
Plan "T" is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Doctor: "Just lie back and relax, I'll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment." *Turns on laser* *Patient's face is attacked by cats*
Did you hear about the guy who said there were no rivers in Africa? He was in de-Nile.
Baby, tonight let's put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...
My iPhone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.
Just took a bite of a gluten-free slice of pizza & my stomach made a sad noise & I was all "I know, buddy. I know."
A Segway segway Oh hey, speaking of Segways....
What do you say if you meet a toad ? Wart's new !
ME: hah, no way. well, maybe sometimes- or i guess...yes? i don't know, what was the question again INTERVIEWER: are you indecisive
5 years ago today I asked the girl of my dreams to go out with me. Today, I asked her to get married... She said no both times. ;(
Just set my alarm for 6AM. This is going to be hilarious if it actually works.
Why can't watermelons get married? Because they cantaloupe!
You know what's funny? My life :(
I'm so out of shape, I can't even run away from my insecurities.
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
What do you call six gay people at an amusement park? Six Fags
I remember watching this excellent porno back in 2002 so I tried to find it on the internet. In hindsight, typing "14 year old porn" into Google probably wasn't my smartest idea
What do you call a hurtful play on words? A Punjab.
Me: I need a raise Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart] Ma'am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly. [slowly puts second tub in cart]
Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? "Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?"
I went into panera the other day The clerk said, "do you want a side of chips or a French baguette?" I replied, "never baguette."
Women's Rights
Women complain about men using them only for sex as if sex is a bad thing. Sex is awesome. Start complaining when he starts using you for cooking, laundry and baby sitting while he is out having fun.
A guy has sex with Sarah Mclachlan... A guy has sex with Sarah Mclachlan. After hearing about this, his friend says "So, what was it like to be in the arms of an angel?"
My mother + my father  condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!
What would you call The Flinstones if they were black? Niggers
I've bought up all the Scrabble games I can get my hands on. I heard there's a lot of money in text tiles.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it. I'll show myself out.
Did you hear about the guy whose bank closed his account because he dropped his bowl of cereal? All his Chex bounced.
I accidentally watched 2 minutes of golf and my pants turned plaid!
Sailors really want to be cool. But they're just naut.
You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul.
My jokes are like those of a twelve year old At least, that's what your mother told me last night
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I rather have a bottle of soda for President than Donald Trump. This way, we could truly have a Liter of the Free World.
Killing two birds with one stone this weekend Taking my mother to Hooters sounds rock solid.
Being a parent is the opposite of the Jenny Craig diet. "I gained 20lbs & all I did was eat small portions of my toddlers leftover dinner."
It's cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.
I'm 'confuses systems of measurement' centimetres old.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[At microphone] *clears throat* "Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap." *crowd cheers* "Thanks for attending my dance recital."
One from my 7yo God daughter: why can't Elsa hold on to her balloon? Because she keeps letting it go!
What do you call an Irish bodyguard? Liam Malone.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I'm some stalker weirdo.
What was the best thing Kurt Cobain ever released? The safety.
If there is a God, he created balls and wanted them to look like that, so that's weird.
A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar The bartender asks what they're having. The witch replies "Narnia business."
I'd get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend's hair care products.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool...
Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common? They both have ornamental balls
"You snooze, you lose." -competitive insomniacs
A kiss makes your day.... but anal sex makes your hole weak. (   )
"Darling, can I go out in this dress?" "Yes dear, it's already dark out."
Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed? Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.
If a centipede a pint, how much can a precipice? A canopy.
Jokester City! What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
What did one suicide bomber say to the other? "Dude, I don't think it worked."
There are two kinds of people in this world... 1. People who can count 2. People who can't 3. People who aren't good at telling jokes
hanging out at the pet store, teaching all the birds cuss words
This whole VW car thing makes me think... ...Have you been mis-sold TDI?
Wanna hear a joke about Nitric Oxide ? NO
Men and hookers Why do men always pick the hooker that costs tens of thousands of dollars over the far sexier hooker which costs two dollars? Because prostitution is looked down upon.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I'm just sad to hear about him
What's a Jihadist Muslims least favorite sex position? The Eiffel tower
I bought a friend of mine an elephant for his room He said thanks. I said don't mention it.
How many tutors does it take to make a wild dog literate? It takes two to make a dingo write.
My Christmas tree is on a timer It lights up everyday at 4:20
I'm a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I'm not allowed to be offended by anything.
I'm busy hiding all of the tissues in my house... So when Santa comes tonight he will have to use his beard
What do you call a booger that you've been squishing for awhile? Boograr
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[Cop arresting a centipede] *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *opens crate of new handcuffs* *clink* *clink* *clin
If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.
I just want to make enough money to live in a neighborhood where Starbucks doesn't lock their bathrooms
My GF bragged about the cat sleeping next to her I told her "Yes, he seems to be attracted to the overwhelming aroma of fish"
It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.
I love when people say to me... Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? "They'll never see you coming."
Whats green and fuzzy, but if it falls out of a tree, will kill you? A pool table.
what's the difference between oral and anal sex? Good oral can make your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.
I read a shocking and insightful study on the causes of waking from sleep. It was eye-opening to say the least.
Mouse and elephant are on their way to the pool. *Told* *by* *my* *adorable* *niece.* Elephant: Bollox! I forgot my swim trunks! Mouse: Don't worry, I brought a spare.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture only needs one nail.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you're with your new much younger pizza guy.
My overnight bag is just a backpack full of Sour Patch Kids.
What is the difference between pile of dead babies and pile of sand? I don't eat sand.
Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible ? The characters in this book are entirely fictional.
If God made everything... Is God Chinese?
What does a cow ride when his car is broken? A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
My wife told me her sock had a hole in it. "Darn it!" I replied.
What did the Taliban soldier say to his buddy? Afgan I pee... Stan he fer me a minute.
I signed up for Binary 101... but it turned out to be a level 5 course. Corny, but I'm still proud of myself.
How do you go about picking up a nice Jewish girl? With a broom and a dustpan.
"Stay strong!" I said to my wi-fi signal.
Alright white people, had to Google "totes" to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I fell of a 50ft ladder today! Luckily, I was only on the second step.
Why Harriet Tubman shouldn't replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill The new $20 bill will only be worth $12
I'm angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. 
Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked? Because Jesus WEPt.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
What does a gay horse eat? HAAAAAAAAAY
Hey, bus driver... Would you stop and let me and my friend, Jack off?
Joke from Glasgow What is the best thing you can put in a pie? Your teeth!
How Are Women And Rocks Alike? You Skip The Flat Ones.
My doctor wrote me a prescription... It writes dailysex but my girlfriend insists it's dyslexia
I'd like to see every photograph where I'm just someone passing in the background.
If we were on a sinking ship and there was.. Only one life vest... I would miss you so much.
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE!
Psst. Don't refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your 'team of writers'.
Steam Support Knock knock; Who's there? Steam support? Steam support who? ... ... ... ... We're sorry, VAC bans cannot be removed from this account.
Considering we've produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I'm more surprised other countries haven't built a wall around the U.S.
What do you get when you make a train engine happy? Locomotivation
What's the difference between an old Greyhound terminal and a lobster with really big boobs? One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustation! ::buh dum bum::
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Young man, you promised you will bring my daughter back by 11 pm. First, it's 3 am and second, this is not my daughter.
If Sesame Street were real, and I went there, and I saw those things, I would shit my pants.
A cashier working a dead end minimum wage job found a way out, by having sex with the register He came into some money
Did you hear the one about the vegan butcher? Did you hear the one about the vegan Butcher? He only cuts the cheese.
30 people walk into a bar This is the worst game of limbo I've ever seen
I would think you'd have to be open minded... ...to be a brain surgeon.
I hate guitarists... They're so picky.
Why do Pedophiles love Pianos? Because they can touch A Minor
The most toxic substances known to mankind. 1. Arsenic 2. Cyanide 3. Polonium 4. Mercury 5. The League of Legends community
Donald Trump's Campaign
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once
What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on your organ
You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Have you seen the midget outside Walmart, that hides from gay people? Of course you haven't.
Ever misspell a word so badly that you spell a different word correctly? It's rather embroidering.
Why do gingers get sunburned so easily? It's nature's way of telling us to lock them indoors
Why can you never trust a clumsy barista? Because she's always spilling the beans!
She's a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
There's nothing funny about leaked celebrity nudes Which is good because it's hard to masturbate while laughing.
Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac? Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beirut ! Beirut who ? Beirut force !
Hey Reddit what's the most useful type of doctor? An On-call-ogist.
"You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
Please stop making 9/11 jokes ... they're very plane.
Wanna hear a secret? I KILLED MUFASA!
i'm not sure i cooked this chicken all the way through but you know i've had a good life
Parrot gets around
The road to success is always under construction.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
America is there land of opportunity, where if you work hard enough, you can make the business owners rich.
I told I girl I'm going to rape her... she took it pretty well.
I swallowed two pieces of string last night and this morning they came out of my ass tied together I shit you knot
Taking my dog for a walk Taking my quadriplegic dog for a walk is a real drag.
Do cats stutter? No, but they paws. Credit: u/magneticman245
Hi I'm here for my vasectomy. "Would you like that toasted?" What? "Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let's do this."
Look ma no friends
So a cannibal walks into a hospital delivery room And the doctor says, "can I help you??" The cannibal says, "I'll have what she's having."
Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the  Internet.
I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk. They're just staggering.
What is Rickon Stark's favourite band? One Direction
If life was reddit... I'd still be unpopular
How many gears does a French Tank have? 5. 4 reverse and 1 forward for parades.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one animal there and to make it even worse it was just a dog. It was a shit-zu
If you put your right ear really close to your left knee and you listen... ...you can hear a voice say 'What the fuck are you doing?'
Do you know why Native American sex is so hot? It's fucking in tents.
Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!
My ex was a true professional.she said "you are fired" when we broke up.
What's the Pope's least favorite human bone? The blasphemur.
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony I was born ready.
What does the Cincinnati gorilla story tell us? It's the first time that black-on-black crime made national (even international) news.
What happens after someone kills a joke? It goes to Valhaha.
On average, how many people are dead in a cemetery? All of them.
What's the hardest thing, being in a room full of sexy people? my dick
My friend's WoW character couldn't go forward anymore. You'll never guess what he said !? " wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"
Masturbating is wrong in some people's eyes... Also, it burns.
Do you ever have the urge to eat something right in front of you? Anyways, that's how I lost my job as a gynaecologist...
A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.
I don't have a racist bone in my body. But my cartilage does not care for Mexicans.
Things got heated on my date the other night and I said "hey you wanna do 68?" She says "what's that?" I said "it's when you blow me and I owe you one."
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head? Him: That's nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
How does a hamster propose to his girlfriend? With a hamst-ring! I'm sorry.
A baptist priest with a huge boner walks into a bar The bartender says "what can i get you?"  "anything 12 years old that goes down nicely", says the priest.
When the cleaning lady say's "Have a good night", I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our "You too" response in harmony.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
Irony My friend was trying to explain to me that I don't understand the concept of irony... which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop.
What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!
last night I did a poo and in it was a tied up length of rope I shit you knot
I'm sure my girlfriend's frigid Every time she opens her legs a light comes on.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~ Ariel.... We found this hidden in your top drawer. *places sea cucumber on table*
Where do baby soy beans come from? they come from edamames
What do you call a three legged cow? Lean Beef. What do you call a two legged cow? Your mom.
I love the neocortex... It's always at the forefront of my mind
The dirtiest joke I know: What is the difference between a baby and a freezer? One does not scream when I pack my meat into it.
I'm a dirty bird. *shits on your windshield*
COP: put ur hands in the air ME: ok C: now flip them over M: k? C: now cross them M: what C: put them behind ur head M: why- C: hey macarena
What do you call 1000 black people buried up to their necks? Afroturf Also, I'm not racist. I have two color tvs at home.
What never eats at thanks giving? A turkey. Because it's always stuffed.
OC why do doctors check their patients reflexes? Because they get a kick out of it
Math Nerd Joke There are two students on lunch line. Second students says to first student " I don't have money to buy lunch. What should I do?" First student replies " Bi no Meal"
I rely on a little boy to tell me how I feel and boy, are my arms tired?
After I orgasm, I yell "Aaaaand scene." Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say "Ummm. We'll call u."
Q: What happens if a monster steps on Batman and Robin? A: They become Flatman and Ribbon.
A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap... Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
There's a spider that's been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he's essentially also watching Shrek.
F*ck and F*ck are sitting on a fence... F*ck falls off, WHO GIVES A F*CK! Stupidity is a niche! ~Skip
I started work at a drilling site and left soon after. It was a boring job.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I had 4 cars been their horns at me this morning... It made it really hard to watch Netflix on my drive to work!
I'm trying to get my wife to quit smoking. Maybe I should slow down and use a lubricant.
How often do I see alligators? Ocajunally
Does anyone else's smart phone make periodic ringing noises?
What do you do to a chemist after they die? You Barium
The secret episode. "Hi! This is Khalid al-Mihdhar... and this is Jackass!" ^^^I'm ^^^going ^^^to ^^^hell ^^^for ^^^this
The more Sarah Palin talks to the media about running for president in 2012, the closer we get to Googling "Mayan Calendar".
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none. They would just beat the room because it was black.
The difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job? one is a crusty bus station.
What did the mermaid forget to bring to the maths lesson? Her algae bra.
Why do ghosts never age? They use Bootox.
Why can hipsters listen to Michael Jackson again? He's been underground for five years now.
What's one thing you never want to hear your wife say while having sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
If you could only eat one thing from the McDonald's menu for the rest of your life... How would you off yourself?
TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships. So they can Scan da navy in
Two condoms walk past a gay bar one turns to the other and says "hey, wanna go in there and get shitfaced"?
Instead of saying "I lost 35 pounds", say, "I lost half a super-model"
What does Sifu stand for in Kung Fu Panda? Does it mean "Sorry I Fucked Up"?
The good news First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
A Jewish boy goes up to his father and asks for 5 dollars. The father responds, "4 dollars!! Oh my god what do you need 3 dollars for??!!!"
Football player Michael Sam got picked up by the Cowboys... He's the first openly gay cowboy since Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria's Secret catalog... But all they sent me was her underwear.
I didn't realize how cold it was outside today... ... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets
Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral? He touched a lot of people.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don't care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Chain Smoker Barbie ...with Surgeon General's warning on box
Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the toilet? Because the 'p' is silent.
Father catches his son masturbating. Father says, "Son, you'll go blind if you keep that up. Son says, "I'm over here dad."
Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like  that.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I met my grandmother in Mexico She looked familia.
Did you hear about the dyslexic guy playing Bingo? When he filled in a row, he yelled, "BOING!"
Mickey Mouse Q: What kind of mouse walks on two legs? A: Mickey Mouse Q: What kind of duck walks on two legs? A: They all do!
Love means never having to say youaTMre Canadian.
How do you know when to use "fridge" or "refrigerator"? Open it, if there's a 'd' in it, it's a fridge.
Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999. Get a ride home from my Mom after I make out with some 14-year-olds.
I was in a bar the other day... and I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
Love is a lot like magic, both are fake and there's always some asshole trying to ruin the illusion for you.
A cop pulled me over and said "papers". I said, "scissors, I win" and drove off.
If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.
What's black and white and red all over A biracial couple in a knife fight
They are removing all the phones in china Seems too many Wings got the Wong number
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don't even walk into the right room
I have a collection of captured mosquitoes... I'm not happy one bit.
Why can't Whitney Houston be a pharmacist? She over doses
My wife said she wanted to have a space of her own in the house... I said, "Of course, honey. Whatever makes you happy. From now on I'm not going to set foot in the kitchen."
Three eyes What do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig What do you call a chimp with three eyes? A chiiimp What do you call a kid with three eyes? Chinese
Every day, I hope I don't get bitten by a spider. I'm not afraid of spiders, I just don't want the responsibility of being a superhero.
We are a generation away from having grandpas named Skyler and Landon and it's all of your faults.
I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of money at me I get it, you have more money than me. No need to rub it in
One minute, you're getting drunk as a skunk, then the next minute, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be working for the NHS.
I don't think Santa would be able to visit USA this year! After all, Donald Trump hates them with beards!
Your mom is so fat She's the trunk of the family tree
Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: "Who's that next to you?"
Why Bell laboratories has so many Nobel Laureates? Because the **Nobel** awarding committee cannot say **No** to **Bel** labs.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The ugly barnacle. Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end.
why are the fish taco and chicken taco always friends? Cause there's no beef
What's the only thing Gary the gay geneticist loves more than he loves his boyfriend, Bill? Designer jeans.
Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party? He spiked the drinks.
It's cute that the NRA thinks guns could defend you from a government that has a high fructose corn syrup nozzle up every citizens' asshole.
How does Snoop Dogg keep his shirts so white? BLE-YATCH!
What did Adam say when he broke up with Eve? I'm turning over a new leaf.
So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens... I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems
I'm not saying she's a slut, but if she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she did in her, She'd be a porcupine!
6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap. It's a joy raising an 80 year old man.
How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb? Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.
Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Who cares?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Carbon Dating. What Carbon does when its lonely.
Don't joke.... About hobos because they are just poor.
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his kids? Because he's black.
Ddi Humpty Dumpty have a good winter? No, but he had a great Fall.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard] me: hey
Cop: you're under arrest Me: no you are *cop arrests me* Me: fine but next time it's my turn
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer ? Light ale !
I've heard some great 9/11 humour, it's like two pies in the face and one in a field in Pennsylvania
I like my women the way I like my coffee Ground up and in the freezer.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his ass
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? About half way
How do you tell X chromosomes from Y chromosomes? You pull down their genes.
Why couldn't the octopus stop laughing? Because it had ten tickles
A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!
I tried to give myself a sex change but I couldn't quite pull it off.
My friend's son wanted to be a "Super-Pirate" for his birthday... But after running against the door he discovered that even a "Super-Pirate" only needs one eyepatch
Why did the illiterate man with the 3 foot penis get dumped by his girlfriend? TLDR
What's black and doesn't work? [Very NSFW] Bryce Williams' sense of perspective.
[signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"
This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she's using the other eye. Oh never mind. She's falling asleep.
I'm a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
How many activists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they can't change anything.
Your moms ass is like sensitive data... ...you gotta back dat shit up!
Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here
What did the bully say when he threw Michael J. Fox out of a 10 story window? Marty Mc. FLyyyyyyyyy!
The man who worte the Hokey Pokey died. They had a hard time placing him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, but as soon as they started trying to put the right leg in they had problems.
What do you call a beautiful woman having sex with a comedian? Pretty fucking funny.
Old Italian guy is on his front stoop cooking a chicken on a rotisserie when a hippy walks by. Hippy looks up and says, "Hey man. The music stopped and your monkey's on fire"
Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Because it was a double-crosser
I Have a Joke About the Palestinian Refugee Crisis... ... But Israeli Bad.
Hi, I'm from the American Medical Association! AMA!
I've just started going out with some anorexic twins, two birds one stone
A gay guy just called me an asshole... Does that mean he likes me?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
What do you call a piece of pasta that doesn't have any friends? Cannelonely!
What has been in the news specifically because it comes in small boxes? Jared's penis
Everyone saying "Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again". POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I'm skinny.
The Week Off? Me: Sorry boss, i can't come in today, i have a wee cough Boss: you have a wee cough? Me:Really?! thanks boss, see you next week!
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I'm not great at it.
I'm on the powerlifting forums, trying to convince everyone that kissing another man before you bench gives you an awesome adrenaline boost.
Speed dating? You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins...
What was Beethoven's girlfriend's name? Bae-thoven. I'll^see^myself^out.
What did Tupac say when his best friend died? No Biggie.
Why did the Frenchman not want two eggs for breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf.
Once Prince dies there will be some freaky shit that comes out like he ate only butterflies or bathed in babies or something. Mark.My.Words.
Date: So what do you do for fun? Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail] I love bird watching.
To my calendar: Your days are numbered.
850: Number of nukes Sarah Palin would have dropped on North Carolina in the last few hours if she were President. #korea
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they'll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I once knew a gay Irish couple. Their names were Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick
I've accepted the fact that being cremated is my last hope for a smoking, hot body.
What do you call a musician with a college degree? Night manager at McDonalds.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Someone should make a website that allows you to anonymously chat with random Jews from around the world. They could call it 'Oi-megle'.
I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
What's a police officer's favorite party game? Pin the murder on the black guy
What did the woman say when having intercourse with the square-shaped pasta food? "That feels ravioli good!"
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Responsive web designers who date online... ...never specify height. Just width.
Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue For the devil can take many forms
What are the similarities between my work shirt and the children of Flint, MI? They both were recently ironed.
If you Say the word "murder" over and over again out loud, it starts to sound really weird and everyone in this starbucks will stare at you.
I'm not afraid of spiders. I'm afraid of people who are afraid of spiders. Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Kids, I can't tell you how much I enjoy sweating for an hr in the kitchen each day, just to see your little "what the fuck is this" faces
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Congress just passed a bill that makes it legal to murder those friends who respond to a text by calling you.
I was staring at a fish. Suddenly, it started laughing ...It was probably because of my aqueous humor
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
There's two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
"Sir, how may I help you?" *swivels around in chair* -- A coffee please! "Did you bring that chair in here?" *reclines back* --- Maybe?
What does the torch represent in the hand of the Statue of Liberty? The torch is a symbol of her inability to read in the dark.
i type everything in lower case because i don't give a shift
You must be twins. You're too stupid to be one person. #MyBestInsult
I just found that there's such a thing as a cheese shop and now I'm changing my vacation plans.
There's nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can't cure.
Why did the spy cross the road? Because he never really was on your side.
That's the third time Adam Sandler's scootered past my house this morning. Dude if you want to go on my trampoline just ask
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I don't jelly my cock down a bitches throat.
I hate it when people say "Oh, I'm a vegetarian except for fish". Yeah? And I'm a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
A new book on how to have sex with herbs has finally been published. It's about fucking thyme.
My girlfriend and I met at our office outside the bathroom... Now we tell others we met on PeeHarmony.
What do you call oral sex with a paraplegic girl? Meals on wheels.
I'm not an alcoholic ... Alcoholic's need a drink, but I already have one
How do you know that the drum riser is level? The drummer dribbles out of both corners of his mouth
Why did Mario lose a life? He stubbed his MiyamoToe. ...I'll see my way out.
The Insurmountable problem by Major Setback
The grass looks greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit.
About yesterdays Alabama vs. Auburn game... I feel bad for all the Alabama fans who drove their houses to the game yesterday.
My friend, Damian, is crazy for apple products He's a macadamian nut.
What do you call to a dog with no legs ? NOTHING because dog isn't going to come anyways :P
What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times? "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"
Why do conservative gay men vote conservatively? They want to keep the right to bear arms.
I've finally decided to do something about my weight ... lie.
A midget walks into a doctors clinic carrying a sword Doctor: Gerald! What's gotten into you man? Midget: Sorry, I feel a little Sikh.
A Person With Autism Walks Into A Bar "Ouch" he says.
Helium walks into a bar. The bar tender says when don't serve nobles here. He didn't react.
Why was the kitten fired from his telemarketing job? For Catcalling
A Joke without a joke is a big joke
How do you console someone with bad Grammar Skills ? There, Their, They're.
Dear Sir/Madam, Your transgender operation was a partial success.
Did you know that ancient Egyptians were related by their farts? It's true. They had a toot in common.
What medical specialty will start to experience large fluctuations in income from payers? Eurology
I was going to tell you a joke about women's rights... ...But it would have been too funny
It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
Two muffins are in the oven... One of them says "it's getting hot in here." The other muffin says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist? Dad: No dear they're people wearing lots of makeup. Daughter: Oh like mommy? Dad: Close enough.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has made a pretty good career for himself in pest control... They say he's a great ex-terminator
I get why Tupac's band smoked his ashes... ...It would have been tacky to take a shot in his memory.
Started a suicide prevention club at my school today We call it the hang out
Wyoming? Why won't you kiss me? Because I'm Cheyenne.
What do dark jokes and food have in common? Not everyone gets them
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name.
How do lesbians celebrate special occasions? They eat out.
What is the United States doing to fight pedophiles? Child Obesity.
Joke from my young cousin Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is black.
Nine times out of ten, when I say "on my way" or "be there in 5 or 10," I haven't even left my house yet.
What's a Dragon Ball fan's favourite food? Vegeta-bles
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears* "You get 2 wishes." I wish I got 3 wishes. "Your wish is granted." Nice, nice. "You have 2 left."
isnt it odd how people kill flys just because they're annoying if people killed people for being annoying i would've died like 15 years ago
Why are Asians not optimistic? Because they have a limited view of life.
"Beer: Helping White Guys Dance Since 1842" Posters Helping White Guys Seem Funny Since 1998
Why doesn't Nickelback play football? Because even if they had 4 players they still couldn't throw a ball.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, feminists don't change anything
I always get Naan bread from the supermarket I don't know why, she's been dead for 30 years
You can tell that a train has a gambling problem... When it spends all its time at the track.
Hey Jude. I ran out of advice, so I'm just going to go nah nah nah nah for the next nine minutes.
My best friend died in a freak boiling water accident. He will be mist.
What's the worst kind of joke? Clickbait. Edit: Added a space which triggered someone.
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? A: It has great food, but no atmosphere.
What's another name for an assistant stable cleaner? A co-pile-it!
What device did Jared Fogle use to keep track of his exercise progresswhen he lost over 200 pounds on the Subway diet? A pedometer
Can someone give me an arrow? I knee'd it.
What's difference between Jesse Owens and Adolf Hilter? Owens can finish a race.
Hey, how come they're not playing videos on MTV any more? #20yearcoma
!HARD Drive! Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.[Source](http://smile.xonaki.com/Joke/EN?categoryCode=EN&amp;jokeId=95)
Empires were run by emperors... Kingdoms were run by kings, Now we have countries.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker... ...so I told her to roll them tighter.
Did you hear, there's no more ice in Poland? The old lady with the recipe died...
Attention r/jokes Beginning January 20th, 2017, the real joke will no longer be found in the comments. It'll be found in the White House.
Ellen pao and reddit admins walk into a bar... Everyone was happy to see them and had a great time once they were there... Ill also accept ...and then the bar burned down...
What's the main ingredient in mana potions? Caster sugar.
Statistics show that 73% of people don't have enough fibre in their diets. Ah well, tough shit
Save your suggestions for the Krispy Kreme complaint box you retarded blob of cellulite.
In the future a kid asks his grandfather a question. -Grampa? What does this tattoo mean? -Ahh, sonny, it's TIFU. Today I ff...uck.
My lesbian neighbour just gave me a Rolex I think she misunderstood when I told her I wanna watch...
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They are very efficient, and have no sense of humor.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic? About halfway. ^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out...
What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo on my chest.
A girl on Facebook says it's officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I went for an interview at a black smiths.. The black smith asked "have you ever shoed a horse before?" I replied "no, but i told a donkey to fuck off"
I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
I told my sandwich to "go make me a girlfriend"
If you got ten times as much pussy as me you're still getting zero. Bitch.
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor! I've broken my arm in several places!" The Doctor looks at him like he's an idiot and says "Well then, don't go to those places..."
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner] Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me
If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....... Do you think Greece would help?
What did the picky cow say? Mewww.
Another sequel in the "The Fast and the Furious" series was announced today. We can only assume it will be called: "5 Fast 5 Furious".
"Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out.." -first taxidermist
[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]
What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients? A vegetarian.
Did you hear about that synthetic type of weed they made using dog hair? Instead of k2, they call it k9.
What's gray and comes in quarts? According to my mom, my new stepdad
So there's two fishes in a tank... One turn to the other and says: Dude, you know how to ride this thing?
Teacher One day our country will be corruption Free tells which tense is it? Student .Tense Impossible
the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they're is to remember that they are all different words
Someone asked me to Deck the Halls, so I did. Mr and Mrs Hall were a bit miffed...
Never argue with somebody legally blind about spear fighting... they can hardly see your point.
Why didn't the lipid ask for water He wasn't carbohydrated
How many Mexican's does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan
What do you call a person with memory problems telling a joke? To get to the other side.
Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.
In Soviet Russia, The LSD take you.
A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night. A pack of wolves bay in the distance. The little boy says "I'm scared". The clown says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone."
Don't trust atoms They make up everything.
If a woman tells you size doesn't matter, she's a liar and you have a small pen!s.
I want to get back on the merry go round... ...but I'll need a moment of inertia.
What is Chris Brown's favorite drink? Punch!
[trailer] Narrator: THIS SUMMER, KEVIN HART Me: oh no Narrator: GUESS WHAT HE'S DOING Me: another cop m- Narrator: ANOTHER COP MOVIE
Don't mind me, just another pirate joke passing though What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it was arr, but actually it's the sea.
You know, I'm really worried about future of Kickstarter with all this talk about cannabis legalization. Nobody wants to have to sift through even more half baked ideas.
Republicans say they're not satisfied with Michele Obama's speech because she didn't give it from her kitchen.
I used to be addicted to soap, but i'm clean now.
I do understand that you guys think these jokes are funny, but this post says otherwise. **Otherwise**
Had a conversation with my ex-wife over a drink this afternoon. It was cordial.
If I had a dollar for every gender created in 2016 I'd have one million dollars, unfortunately it would be in monopoly money because none of them are real.
A German asks for a martini... "Dry?" asks the barman. He replies, "Nein, just one."
My wife and I recently became feminists But since I'm a guy I'm a little better at it than she is.
A photon checks into a hotel... ...and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No I'm traveling light."
[Breaking] Muslim terrorists have crashed a speedboat full of explosives into the base of the Hoover Dam... Police suspect this might be the first attack in a month long operation named Ramadam.
I will never forget the last thing my grandma said to me right before she died on her death bed in the hospital? Dont pull tha.......
Did you hear about the Montana moron who went looking for a gas leak with a safety match?
Wanna know what 80 year old pussy tastes like? DependsTM
When I was asked what my five year plan is I responded... I couldn't tell you, I only have 2020 vision. pm me if you want my address to come murder me in my sleep for this.
With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year... You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Happy Thanksgiving!
Stop changing your profile picture in a desperate attempt to get compliments.
What did Pikachu say to Ash Catchem? Pikachu
Why doesn't Hellen Keller play piano? Because she's fucking dead.
Why do you never see any bugs in a church? Because they are in sects.
This one's from my friend speedy gunz What do you call a swindler with a skin disorder? A Leper-Con
I don't always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles (tentacles).
A roman walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says "5 beers please".
"Of course I can paint your ceiling," Michaelangelo scoffed. "Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out on it though."
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store] Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
"I was in a very generous mood today" a woman says to her friend. "I gave a poor beggar $25." "Thats a lot of money to give away" says her friend. "What did your husband say?" "He said 'Thank you'. "
I don't know where you got your face from but i hope you have the receipt.
Why do terrorist use Nokia phones? so they can reuse the phone after the explosion
Why do Meth Heads like to do it doggy style? so they can both stare out the window.
I want my funeral to be 20 consecutive moments of silence followed by a first-time bugler playing taps.
Why did the cowboy adopt a Weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy
What do you call a pig that does karate? Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: A pork chop.
I was walking in the park... ..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex. God do I love my new taser.
I'm training my cats to use the bathroom like people. It really works! [cut to bathroom: two cats do cocaine off the toilet tank]
What do you call a Poor Stripper? Ugly.
What's the difference between a rhinoceros and a mattababy? [Works every time] What's a mattababy? Nothing what's a matta with you
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they're having a party
Why did the comedian say he preferred his hamburger on a croissant roll? "Because," he said, "the bun is the lowest form of pastry."
What kind of doctors are like spiders ? Spin doctors !
My twin brother is a retarded thief. He stole my chromosome.
I guess I now know what the Pope is giving up for lent.
What did the lesbian mushroom say to the other lesbian mushroom during oral sex? Umami.
What causes a pilot to cry after sex? ...the [mace](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mace_(spray)
What did the cat say to the prison guard? Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!
A Blackjack dealer is arrested for pedophilia... He will hit on anything 16 and under.
How do you call Kanye West's pizza? Cheezy Jeezy.
Dad Joke Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance Son: You are........ an ambulance Dad: Proud of you son.
My dog 'Fat Jessie' died yesterday, but I don't mind... She was a massive bitch.
I like my woman like my coffe quiet and docile.
From my 6yo Me (after having taught her subtraction): "So, what's the difference between 10 and 5?" "They're just two different numbers!"
Look, this is the only body I'll ever have and that is why I'm covering it in a thick layer of fat to protect it.
Someone stole my mood ring.. And I don't know how I feel about that Credits to 30 Rock
So I ran out of soap a few days ago... It feels like the most American thing I've ever done: lessening my dependence on foreign oils.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican? A: Oil of Ole'
Survey I asked 100 women what brand of shampoo they use while showering. 99 out of those 100 answered : "How the fuck did you get in here you asshole!?!"
Did you hear the new penalty for  speeding in Illinois? The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.
My mom is the healthiest person I know... She's been a vegetable her whole life.
Everyone says fat people don't like puns. But I think that's just a huge stereotype.
Trump keeps talking about restoring "law and order." I dunno about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.
What did the disgruntled alien customer say to the store clerk? Take me to your leader!
What is a Mexicans favourite sport? Cross-Country
I put one slice of toast in my toaster and got two out... Must have been mitoastis
Wow if I squint through the tears I look pretty thin!
My neighbors wifi isn't working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
What do you call the woman on the end of a line? Entities. (I AM SO SORRY, GAME PROGRAMMER JOKE)
I was speaking to a computer technician. "How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him. He said, "Tell her about my job."
What did the cheese maker say to his son after he dropped the cheese? That's no whey to go through life, son.
Whats so good about german cars? They get from Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
The church on Elm street is hosting a prayer meeting for people with low self esteem. Please use the back entrance.
What does a burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone that didn't take it out in time.
If anyone needs any morals, I have some I'm not using.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I'm an adult, I think it's a tremendous amount of money
SPELLING BEE: spell "configurable" ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B-- SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu? For swine flu, you use oink-ment and for bird flu, you get tweet-ment.
The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff.
I'm launching an app that reads out nihilist quotes. It's aimed at a Nietzsche market
Gay Mafia Did you hear about those two gay guys in the mafia? One whacked the other one. http://earlmcgerd.tumblr.com/
A recent study was released on head lice stating that 95% of lice populations are resistant to treatment. Scientists are scratching their heads trying to figure out how this happened.
What's green and bad for your eyes? An alligator.
Stephen Tyler looks like he's made from leftover pieces of Mickey Rourke.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as "stable". #manicmonday
A blue whale produces 400 gallons of sperm when he ejaculates... [NSFW] And you wonder why the sea tastes so salty...
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
What do you call a humor site with bad ads? PunHub.
[Sirens] Dude open the door! *barricading* How do i know you're not 1 of them?! Were you bit?! What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Why is a T-rex so angry? He can't masturbate.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this How did you get in my house?' business!
Q: What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets? A: The kind of soldier that's always shooting his mouth off.
Why is Hellen Keller bad at driving? Because she's dead.
I bet my fish rolls his eyes when I tell people on the phone how busy I am.
House doctor and my family are looking at me like I'm retarded. Note To Self: Cats land on their feet...not babies.
What do you get when you mix a fly, a snake head, and Mickey Mouse? The hell out of there.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[unleashes dog at dog park] me: don't embarrass me now dog: i won't *sees pretty girl* me: hi, i'm dog: he drinks wine through a straw
"Found" a nest of ground bees and got stung multiple times. But I was able to remove all the stingers. So yes, my pullout game is strong.
What does Batman take with his drinks? Just ice
My wife thinks it's sexy when she bites her lip. But I haven't had the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom lip.
some say yer mom reminds em' of a tornado sounds like hell when she comes, took my house when she left
INMATE: "What are you in for?" ME: "A real treat, I hope."
If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....
Life is like a hardcore drug. I've taken several.
what do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowtain. Edit: meowntain. Happy now??
I had a huge erection. I started running and hit a wall. You know what broke? My nose.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
I want to make a porno with Larry Bird and Dennis Rodman at 6 in the morning... It's called early bird gets the worm
What do you call retarded cow thighs? Asbergers
Q. What has one horn and gives milk?  A A milk truck.
Having a relationship is like taking your SAT. There's a lot of cheating, you never finish at the same time, and, in the end, you end up trying again in a few months.
Did you hear that H.P. Lovecraft wrote a cookbook? It's called the Necronomnomnomicon.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
"Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.
If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds just like "orange"
whats the difference between hell and gaza? there's no kids in hell
I bought a wash basin from a skydiver today. And tomorrow he's going to *plummet* in for me.
What did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing.
Can humans justify anything? Obviously not, just look at Adam Sandler's career.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a worm in your vagina.
If I had but one life to give for my country it would be a lawyer's.
I'm gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.
next year big pixar movie for kids: follow the journey of a single tear down an old womans face as she learns her grandson died in a fire
Enjoying Starbucks' free WiFi with my MacBook and flannel shirt while listening to a band you've probably never heard of.
Nothing is too good for my girlfriend on Valentines day... I tried to get her nothing, but she was too good for that.
You know what I find amazing? That after 107 years, the Titanic's swimming pools are still full.
/R/jokes [Removed]
Can everyone start saying salad is really bad for me so I can start craving it?
Why did God give Black guy's big dicks? He felt sorry for putting pubes on their heads.
What do elephants sing at christmas ? Noel-ephants Noel-ephants...
I asked my friend who is a porn cameraman about his work He said it's a hard job.
What is Biz Markies favorite farm animal? Ewe, ewe got what I neeeeeed.
What does a fashionable criminal always make sure they have a lot of? Accessories
What is it called when brown envelopes aren't delivered as quickly as white ones? White Mail Privilege
I am sooo glad I was young, wild & crazy before there were cell phones & evidence.
Fathers day... ...the most confusing day in the ghetto.
I can be the man of your dreams... ...if you dream of a man who exposes himself to the elderly on public transport.
What's the difference between a hooker and your wife? You pay the hooker and she does what you want. And you pay your wife and she does what she wants.
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can't wash your face in a buffalo.
Did you know Jesus was gay? He was nailed by a bunch of guys.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My approach to life drives nihilist philosophers crazy... ...but it's beating a dead horse.
What's the difference between a fridge and a woman? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
Are you a witch? Cause I heard you like riding broomsticks.
If a man hits a woman while driving his car, who's fault is it? Contrary to popular belief, it is the man's fault. There is no reason for him to drive in the kitchen.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone's just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Feminists won't get this... Anywhere
What's with American's obsession with everything bigger? Bigger cars, bigger houses, higher IQs... If you ask me, Americans have the smallest penises in the world.
DONALD Your tax returns now! Clinton: We all did our tax returns now show is yours Trump: I emailed it you
Yo mama's so fat, I swerved my car to miss her and ran out of gas.
"you okay man?" listen dude... i know what im doing *lights a cigarette backwards* ive seen Guy Code like six times
How many Chernobyl survivors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They already glow.
Noah: A boat? God: Yes. Noah: Two of every animal? God: Yes. Noah: I have a better idea. God: What. Noah: Maybe don't kill everyone.
When a coworker says "This is all Greek to me", I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.
My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning. But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
[first day as London tour guide] And over there is the Tower of [frantically flips through guide book for like 20 minutes] Eiffel.
I'm no auto mechanic but I'm pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
What's a rabbits' favorite TV show? Hoppy Days.
What do you call a dead body and two planks? A "Build your own Jesus" kit.
Life is like a box of chocolates... Most of it sucks.
I don't always correct someone's spelling but when I do, I google it first so I don't make an ass of myself.
An engineer gets banned from r/fitness He was trying to sell SCRs to their NOx users...
What is Jojo's Favorite Pokemon Game? Pokemon ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS
I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings
What's your ring tone? Pinkish with a bit of brown.
What do Brazil and lesbians have in common? Neither like touching balls.
I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn't mean the world is ending.
In case of a zombie apocalypse, I'm surrounding my house with treadmills.
Three cookies were crossing the road when the  first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!
The great fire of London in 1666 started after dropping my mixtape too hard.
[doorbell] "Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?" "No." "Why not?" "He died like 2000 years ago." "So?" "I'm 46. Do the math."
Why did the demon get arrested? Posession
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it's about my surprise party.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning
If the Scottish started to colonize North America before the British... Could I say that the Scott Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock?
They're predicting record highs for Wednesday. In other news the weather will be hotter than usual.
Knock knock (six year old told me this one) Who's there? Poop Poop who? Poop in your face... LOL
New York Sports
Hedgehogs Why can't they just share the hedge?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
If my wife were a car, she'd be a Ferrari. I paid through the nose for it but only take it out for a spin maybe once a month. ... Also, I wish I had a Ferrari.
*tips fedora at a mosquito* m'laria
What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bath? Throw in your washing.
Make sure to dress extra provocative if you ever find yourself in a 5th attempt to overturn a criminal conviction You'll definitely need that six appeal.
I don't have jealousy issues, but I do have "flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you" issues.
They probably could have called lightbulbs, just "bulbs". Most people would still get it.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i'm not really a mac guy
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo... Coming... *other Indian replies* New... Fire... Who... Dis?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my dogs are better than people' philosophy.
I'm opening a bar called The Office. You're welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I'm at The Office"
Why did the computer get a virus? He wasn't using protection.
You know what they say about vasectomies... There's a vas deferens between the good ones and the bad ones. Thought of this yesterday, probobally done before but whatever
Why have sumo wrestlers began shaving their legs? They were getting tired of being mistaken for feminists
Why did Albert Einstein marry his cousin? Because she was his relative
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar... ... and the barman says "What do you think this is, some kind of joke?
What's the difference between an Iraqi elementary school, and an Isis hideout? I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
Who can't tell the difference between short and long? This subreddit mods
My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon It never really took off.
Why did Victoria lose her job? We don't know, it's Victoria's secret.
What did the cop say to his belly button? You're under a vest lol
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach but the programmer was  shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place" Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? [flashback to everyone chanting "SHIT PANTS"] Me: It was just time for a change.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bosnia ! Bosnia who ? Bosnia bell here earlier !
A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey!" The horse replies, "you read my mind!"
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size. It was a narrow "S" cape.
why do jews watch porn backwards? so they can cum when he hands the prostitute money
As a cancer survivor, people ask me how did I come to terms with having cancer. I didn't... It just kind of grew on me.
What are the cheapest kind of nuts? Deer nuts, they're under a buck.
[At work] "guys check this out" [Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air] "Holy shit help"
Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.
What do native American and modern day American society have in common? Navaho lot.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It got sick of hearing the vegan talk about how he saved a chicken.
What did the scarecrow say before committing suicide? "That's the last straw!" *^I'm ^sorry.* [UsagiMimi](http://www.reddit.com/user/UsagiMimi/) helped me refine the wording.
My penis is like the U.S. presidency Long and white, with a little bit of black on the tip.
I'm always right. I thought i was wrong once, But i was wrong.
RETOOT I was enjoying a drink at a gay bar when the guy next to me farts. I turn to him and say, 'That's the worst pick up line I've ever heard
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman? A: He drove her buggy.
Ever feel a little "too" relaxed? Is your day going "pretty ok"? Are you enjoying doing a thing? Introducing "Panic Attacks" Panic AttacksTM
Why don't Korean captains wear hats? Because they don't know what to do with cap sizes.
I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course. I saw a butterfly.
34% stats on reddit are made up. . . Like your love life.
[Exchanging gifts at family's house] *family opens up my gifts -uh, a history book? Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it.
What happens to Eminem when he dies? **Wiggamortis.** I accidentally this joke the other day. Do you think it has potential?
I told Leonardo DiCaprio a joke about an Oscar He didn't get it.
Why did the vegetable thief get a lighter sentence? Because he admitted the crime was *parsley* his fault.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
When guys claim to have had a threesome, the next question is usually, "How was it?" In my case, that question is shortened to one word.
Why do cows have bells? Because there horns don't work
Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. (not an original)
"I hate burritoes!" -No Juan ever
If I was a coach, time outs would be awkward silences ending with, "So, any good YouTube stuff?"
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a "constellation prize" at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Obese People: When your skeleton can't support your mass enough to walk? That's Darwinism's attempt to prevent further hunting & gathering.
Why did the lawyer with a torn ACL still win the marathon? (OC) Because he had the power of a torn knee
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients? The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.
so i learned recently that fruit is good for the colon... thus a homosexual's must be exceptionally healthy
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won an Oscar? He was out standing in his field.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: May divorce be with you...
They should probably have a feature that disables liking horrible statuses on Facebook. Last week 14 people liked that my friend's mom died. I mean, I know she was a bitch, but still.
It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall... ... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere
Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
You shouldn't joke fat people. They have enough on their plate as it is.
On Reddit you get crucified for not checking your facts... But on Tumblr you get beheaded for not checking your privelage.
My poor dog hates going to the vet. But he just won't die.
Quick question... How many Facebook pokes before it's okay to ask her to take a load to the face?
My boss said, "Have a good day"... So I went home.
What is the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes
Taco Bell manager: I'm sorry, you didn't get the job. It's your drug test Me: so you mean... Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Only 50 more days til we find out who's our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
ISIS released a new video today In it they claimed responsibility for manufacturing the Samsung Galaxy Note 7
What did trump say to hillary after the debate? WRONG! and hillary replied : he is a lier and he cannot be trusted
Misery loves company. Company: "I have a boyfriend."
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino!
What did Jay Z say when his friend died? No Biggie.
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.... I said Decepticons... She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed I shot the toaster we all had a good time.
Christmas decorating 101 - Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations Your move Martha Stewart
I saw the add on page one. I dont have a reason to stand for cancer. But I do have a reason to sit for diabetes.
A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I  think its nuts.
I have ebola. AMA
A Muslim woman said she likes her mem like she likes her cottage cheese Large kurd
Starting a new job today. I'm not sure what company, but it's wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I bought pink cotton, but my wife wanted purple. So I killed her.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
You know a girl is right for you when... You know a girl is right for you when she is complimentary.
Q: Where do Sith Lords shop? A: At Darth Mall.
What's the worst game to give someone who has OCD and anxiety issues. Perfection.
In the United States the colors red white and blue represent freedom. Unless they see it in their rear view mirror.
What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree? A puppy nailed to 7 trees.
In a landslide victory, landslides crush their opponents.
They say 1 in 5 people now live next door to a child molester. Can you believe that?? We'll not me, I live next to 2 smokin' hot 12 year olds!
What do you call a cold thief A rob-buurr
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A harenet.
What is the Fonz looking forward to the most in the future? The iPhone Ayyyye-t
Why can't siamese twins be trusted to render fair judgments? Because they're always partial. I'm so sorry.
Q: Can I ask you two questions? A: Ok, what's the second one?
What's John Cena's favourite part of the sunset? The CENAry
whats worse than eating shit out of someone's ass? chewing &amp; transferring it to your lover's mouth
Life is like a penis Freely Hanging and Relaxing, it's woman who make it harder
Why is stormtrooper always late from work? He keeps missing his train
Why don't you ever see Michael Jordan at Wimbledon? Only whites allowed
Why do vegans hate themselves? They are animal products.
What's black and blue and red all over? The dress
Why was the tallest man in the world troubled? Because he had no one to look up to.
What's the most common blood type in Taiwan? Type A.
Where does a mathematician go when he gets hurt? L'Hospital.
Let me be clear, I don't want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment.
We got your viagra A man walks into a pharmacy to pick up some prescription drugs. The pharmacist says: "oh, we got your viagra!" The man replies: "I don't give a fuck anymore"
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I'm currently experiencing.
Wow, bro you're genius. Yoo bro... I've cheated a taxi How ? I've paid him and i didnt sit in. I ran away
My mate went for a penis enlargement yesterday. Apparently it's now a foot. Worst plastic surgeon ever...
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Whats long black and stinky? the unemployment line.
OJ's son must have been the murderer.... ... because when he went to OJ that night to borrow his car keys, OJ said, "..go aXe your mother"
A helium atom walks into a bar The bartender says: sorry, we don't serve noble gases here. The helium atom doesn't react.
C3PO and R2D2 walk into a bar... Then the bartender goes "HEY!!! We don't serve YOUR KIND HERE!!!" C3PO asks: "Why because we're droids," Bartender: "NO!!! 'Cause It's AN OUTLET BAR!!!"
What's the best part of gay sex? The part where you ***don't get fucked in the ass***.
Why should you always tend sheep near a hospital? Because at any moment they could bleet out
Are you a carpenter? Because your fabricating stories!
My grandmother died and left me a tomato. I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.
What's the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in a bathtub? a woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
What's more covered in sweat than a marathon runner at the end of a race? Josh Duggar at a family reunion.
Two wrongs don't make a right. But 3 lefts do.
I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"
Hi, I'm Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, "We Don't Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You"
Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher. It was a weapon of math destruction. I'm so sorry.
Apparently Trump wants to outlaw pre-shredded cheese... ...he keeps going on and on about how he wants to make America grate again...
Knock Knock Knock knock Who's there? Nobody Nobody who? ...
What game do M Night Shymalan's family play at Christmas? Secret Satan.
Why did the Aggie take a golf club and a baseball glove storm chasing with him?  -To golf the golf ball size hail and catch the baseball size hail
Why wouldn't Dolores let William eat the corn? Because the maize isn't meant for him.
How many South American people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Brazilian
I failed my driver's test. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light? I said "I usually see what people are up to on twitter.
What's another name for a dictator? A penis potato!
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !
When life hands you 3 kids..... You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Why did she get entry to the pub without paying a single penny? Cause she being she, wasn't even worth a penny. [](/hehheh)
I tried to give myself a sex change operation but I couldn't pull it off.
"Why your stomach is so big"..."That's the baby ... I had for lunch"
Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running? Me: Of course. Can't have these bodies at room temperature
My arms sometimes get tired during sex and I drop my phone on my face.
My friend Matt really likes bullfighting. Specifically, Mattadores bullfighting
Why are broken vibrators so rare? Because they are hard to come by.
How does a white girl prepare for the world? Basic training.
What Is Difference Between Bomb And Condom.? What Is Difference Between Bomb And Condom.? # # # # # In A Bomb Blast Population Decrease.. * But. . * In A Condom Blast Population Increase..!
I really love bikes. I'm a pedalphile.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Ma'am this is an aquarium"
From now on everyone should start saying "No" when asked to be put on hold.
What followed the dinosaur ? It's tail !
Yesterday my Korean friend died... He was So Yung
You know how you play Iranian bingo? A-10, B-52, F-22, C-130
My jokes are like my penis make feminists gag
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ ;)
What did the Nazi become after the war ended? A veterinarian (veteran aryan).
Your stick figure family window sticker promotes an unrealistic and unhealthy body image for your children.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL: "fossils fuels cause global warming" "billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking"
How do you silence an Italian? Cut off his hands
An old Russian wisdom: Tell me who your friends are, And I'll tell you what you'll be charged with.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese
*Asks soulmate* What is your dream car and why? Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[Serious] what are the serious impacts of drinking water just after you had had a wet dream?
What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand? He screws, nuts, and bolts
Wife asks why I'm packing condoms Wife asks: "Why are you packing condoms for a sailing trip with 10 guys?" I'm saying "Just in case." Now I'm traveling with a bigger case.
What part does Woody Harrelson want to be remembered for most? Harrelson's woodie.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
What do you call cute seeds? Awwwwwwwwwwwwmonds P.S. it's my birthday please love me
What does a DrugLord and a TimeLord have in common... They both have two hearts, but one keeps his spare in a cooler.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bolzano ! Bolzano who ? Bolzano the door !
what did stevie wonder say when he recieved a cheese grater for Christmas? it was the most violent book he had ever read
What movie did Ray Charles go to see in 1993? Jurassic Dark
Zuckerberg's next aquisition will be twitter to complete his WTF trilogy.
What is less Kosher than a bacon wrapped shrimp? A communion wafer
What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer Balls. They're under a buck.
What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus? A stand up driver.
"I have a split personality." ...said Tom, being frank.
I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers. Happy Father's day
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback
The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.
What do you call a confused Asian person? Disoriental.
Told ya I can time travel!
Go with the flow Girl: Just go with the flow. Me: The last I checked that was what one of the sperms in a premature ejaculation said.
So How do you circumcise a Hillbillie Kick his sister in the jaw.
Always remember.... A mirror never lies.     (Fatty)
What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine? When I dump a load into the washing machine it doesn't follow me around
Why is there no mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder
If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath
What do mexicans cut their pizza with? Little Caesars.
A man is at the gates of hell. Satan: Your card please, so you may enter. Man: *swipes card* Satan: It's a chip.
What website do gay guys use for their e-mail? HotMale.com
I just make stuff up as I go. I call it Jazz Parenting.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
You know who are great at shadow puppets? Deaf people.
The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot? Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.
I wish my phone would stop correcting omg' to OMG', I'm not that shocked.
What's Harry Potters favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking! (JK ROLLING)
there's a gang of pickpockets targeting midgets in my town... honestly, how could they stoop so low
Here's a joke! Obamacare.... I can't afford it.... fml
what do you call a fish with no eye? Fush
Knock knock -Who's there? 9/11 -9/11 who? I thought you said you'd never forget.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I long for the good old days, when all the men wore suits and all the women wore dresses and they put cocaine in soda
Coworker *parks Prius Coworker 2 *locks bike up Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!
Me: One large buttery popcorn please! Him: Ma'am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies... Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Ask your doctor why there are claw marks on the wall. Ask your doctor to stop growling. Ask your doctor to stop climbing and smelling you.
Reposts. What is the only thing that the r/Jokes community hates more than punchlines in the title?
Have you heard the joke about what's in the egg Sorry, you wouldn't find it funny it's more of an inside yolk.
Two men walk into a bar. The third one should've seen it coming.
Inside me is a skinny woman screaming to get out. I can usually shut her up with a cookie.
I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn't make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
An innovative new alternative to ironing your clothes Look shitty
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a zit? Nothing, they both come on a boy's face when he turns 13.
Olympic Rowing ...literally is taking place in sewage.
[donating blood] "You're looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?" "No thanks, I've just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns."
Q: What do you call a cracked window? A: A pane in the glass.
What did the Mexican sing to his cheating girlfriend?  I know I'm not the only Juan 
How are the Oakland Raiders like the mailman? Neither one delivers on Sunday!
Do you want to hear a short joke? One second......
How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.
What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick? You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it
What did a piece of tofu say when it got dirty? Misoyaki!
The past, the present, and the future all walked into one bar. It was quite tense.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I just won the Polish Lottery..... $1.00 a year for a million years.
this is your brain *points to egg* but this is your brain ON DRUGS *puts egg on pile of drugs*
If Trump gets the Presidency, he'll ban all shredded cheese from being bought... He wants to make America grate again.
So a guy sexually lays on top n' stuff on many rolling pins and does a good job. He's on a roll!
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that's all you really need.
If Trump dies in office he won't even admit it. He'll keep tweeting from the grave: "VERY dishonest coroner's report says I died. Sad!"
What's a mexicans favorite sport? Cross country
Best joke ever I used to cry when my dad cut up onions Onions was a good dog
What do you call a hispanic man with a rubber toe? ROBERTO! I'm here all week.
What is the quietest place on Earth? The complaint department at a parachute packing company.
Why does Hillary Clinton have two Ls in her first name? 1 for 2008, 1 for 2016
The blind have a braille version of the bible... The Really Holy Bible.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, "car bidet."
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you're reading this, I want my boomerang.
My girlfriend tricked me into not having sex tonight... Talk about a missed erection. It's best if you read it out loud.
What did the nosey pepper do? It got jalepeno business!
This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.
Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?
Why was the little boy speaking gibberish? Because he lost his marbles.
A mormon checks into a hotel. On seeing there are video channels available in his room, he says "I trust the porn is disabled." The receptionist replies, "No, it's just regular porn, you sicko!"
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses. Me: I have contacts. Cop: I don't care who you know, you're not getting out of this one.
Why did the carpenter join the army? Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant
When someone shows you a picture of their kid the one thing they don't wanna hear is... "Oh yeah I have some photos of your kid too"
I LIKE THE WAY YOUR FLESH IS GATHERED ABOUT YOUR SKELETON - from pickup lines draft folder
The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.
Just remember, if you're attractive and they're ugly, it's not sexual harassment. You're giving them a compliment.
A guy walks into a bank with a gun I don't know what happens next I was outside.
What is the most complicated "Your Momma" joke you know?
HEY,,,I've already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy...... No one likes drawn out funerals.... You're welcome.
"Professor I hear your wife has had twins.  Boys or girls?" "Well I believe one is a girl and one is a boy but it may be the other way around."
Knew a guy who fashioned an entire suit out of rubber bands. He was quite the snappy dresser.
Mom: Any big plans today? Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and... Mom: The mail doesn't come on Sundays. Me: Oh, then no. :'(
What is the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? They fasten their sheet (seat) belts.
What drives the hype train? The hyper drive.
What is the unit of power? Yes.
It has been proven that girls with profile picture of them selves in the mirror are more likely to send nudes.
What is DNA The national dyslexic association.
Manners matter. Good looks are a bonus. Humor is a must.
Why did the chemist die? He ate a Pb and J sandwich.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don't hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I bet all three Pigs had a great education, but the Pig that lived in the straw house probably had a ponytail and a neck tattoo.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because it wasn't born yesterday!
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don't know about you but I've never, ever washed my belt.
Why don't black people stain white clothes when they pick them up? Their palms are white.
I hope I'm never involved in a long trial, mostly because I only own one suit.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronouce unionized
Why couldn't the life guard save the hippy? Because he was too far out
Three elephants fell off a cliff. Two fell on land. One fell in the water.Boom-boom-chhh!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
A guy walks into his room with a duck under his arm... and says "This is the pig I've been fucking." His wife says "That's not a pig, it's a duck." He says "I wasn't talking to you."
My mom told me to only say sorry if I've killed someone sorry mom
What do you call a president crossing the road? A presidestrian
Which joke is better? How many tickles does it take to tickle an *inbred* octopus? Ten tickles. How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten tickles.
At first I didn't like my new haircut ... but now it's growing on me.
How to get laid. A guide. Steps: 1. Lay on Bed 2. Wait 2 hours 3. Lay becomes past tense.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he's sleeping. He won't think it's as funny as you do.
My dad used to beat me every night HORSE, chess, Super Mario..
What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread? It's stalemate
How did the Hipster burn his tongue? He ate pizza before it was cool
Did you see the joke on Reddit about fixing the telephone pole? It was a repost
What has seven arms and sucks? Def Leppard.
Why doesn't Mexico have any good athletes? Because anybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in America
"911 what's your emergency?" - I've been catfished by a dozen men "We're on our way" - Gonna arrest them? "Gonna shut off your internet"
What's green and eats nuts... Syphilis.
What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.
I guess Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift couldn't keep their relationship... Loki.
This girl on the train is really hot but she's wearing those huge sunglasses so there's still a chance she's a 900 pound buffalo.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? **ARRRR** *NO!* His first love be the C.
When i was a Kid my dad would beat me with a camera. I still have flashbacks.
What do you get when you cross bears with salmon? Cannibals.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn't leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
"Sir, is this gluten free?" The waiter nods happily "Great," I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, "I'm building a gluten fort!"
Did you hear about the wooden horse? Wooden poop.
If you stop water with a dam... ...do you stop holy water with a goddamn? If you psychically stop holy water for a living, can you mind your own goddamn business? -&amp;y (Yes i wrote that myself)
What makes an ISIS joke funny? the execution EDIT: This literally blew up! RIP my inbox
That awkward moment when someone you like talks to you and all you can do is smile like an idiot.
Wifi going down... Our wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One child started talking and I had no idea who he was.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.
Meghan Trainor songs: -All About That Bass -Flounder's Good Too -Also I Like Shrimp -Wait, I'm a Vegan -All About That Kale
What did Hitler do to lose weight? He went on a Jews cleanse.
[Club] Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd* Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus- Me: *swoons*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
A dad asks his son... "What is the 25th letter of the alphabet?" The son answers, "Y." "Because I want to know!"
Went out for drinks with my tinder date... She ordered the angel shot with lime :(
Went from being single to being single like a boss.
What's a pirates favorite letter? You think it be arrrrrrgh, but it be the sea.
How do you stop the Polish army on horseback? You turn off the carousel.
Why don't snakes have balls? ... because they would look like dicks.
THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
You can't have your cake and thigh gap too.
Yesterday I was just a dude in a hoody whispering Black Sabbath lyrics to a goat. Today, I am the leader of a petting zoo cult.
very windy and rainy out today.... THANKS TRUMP
How did Link win the basketball game for his team? He used the Hookshot!
Poo jokes. I do, do them Not my go to joke type, not bad for a number two though
Why are all jewish men circumcised? ...because jewish women don't take anything without 10% off.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Whitney Houston? [Oc] The rock Neil was on made him famous, the rock she was on made her dead.
I like my women like I like my wine... ... 18 years old and locked in the basement.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Whats the difference between light and hard You can sleep with a light on.
What will Kim Jong-Un name his child? Kim Jong-Deux.
I sincerely hope that when I get older my children don't put me in a home or on a stage at a political convention.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
"500 Days of Summer" was pretty good for a movie I was expecting to be about global warming.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does "Single Ladies" dance)
Favourite one-liner? "stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr **Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford
There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!
[sees old lady drop $20] Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash! Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Why couldn't the rainbow trout get on the same level as his father? Because he was too flambouyant.
What should you do if your girlfriend is choking? Back up a couple of inches.
whats the difference between a woman and a computer? a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
Why did the skeleton leave the party? Because everyone was calling him a bone-head. (I was 6 when I came up with that).
K Wow! Congratulations! With that 0.1 seconds of your life you saved are you gonna go to Mauritius or Hawaii?
I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree? Only in case of fire? Fine. But pretty sure my cat won't like being set on fire.
Time travel jokes never get old.
why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle
What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him? An airplane
Why is santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year. Like most jokes on this thread this is stolen, not being a shitcunt and taking credit...
If you are what you eat... *Well then you are an asshole* *A lot of you are pussies* *And some of you are cats* *A few of you are dogs* *And I'm a penny...*
During movies when characters go underwater, I hold my breath and see if I could've survived that situation... I almost died in _Finding Nemo_
Kiefer Sutherland is filming next season of '24' in Magaluf. The main villain will be an 18 year old blowing 24 victims up.
What do you have when you got 6 road workers and 6 lesbians? 12 people who don't do dick.
What's the worst part about baiting a fish hook really well? Everyone knows you're a master baiter!
What is the difference between a chorus line and a circus?
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If you're telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
There are two types of people in the world. Those that categorize people into two types and those who don't.
What's the difference between snow tires and black people? The snow tires still work when you take the chains off.
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight P.Cs of eight.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Whispered "I love you" to my 2 yo. He whispered "I know" back. And w/that, he put his hand down the front of his diaper, and became a pimp.
You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.
I tried to buy the father from the Addams Family from a young starlet. She told me she was Sellin'a Gomez
My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them
My neighbour was about to lose his house. So i decided to organise a neighbourhood wide charity orgy to help him. It was truly awe inspiring to see the whole neighbourhood come together like that.
Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Scotsmen don't change light bulbs it's cheaper to sit in the dark
How do epileptics greet people? They shake.
To get your "porn star name," take the street you grew up on and see whether it's in a low-income area with a high rate of domestic abuse.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha GENIE 2: i just...gave mine money GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I told my friends that I'm going for a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary. Joke's on them, they are too.
[feeding baby Malaysian food] "Here comes the plane" *makes plane noises* *spoon just disappears*
Why are you on /r/Jokes? What arrr ya buncha pirates or sumthin? *tssssssss*
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My girlfriend and I are always laughing about how competitive we are. I laugh more.
Why does noone listen ever to the guy who talks with his mouth full? He is so misunderstood.
Life is like a box of idiots.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I'm BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha! TELLER: Haha! COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Why do women make such great plumbers? They like to bring up shit from the past.
I like my women like how I like my coffee Ground up and put in my basement.
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' So when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'
it's hard to retire if you are in the tire business it seems like you have more work to do.
I heard of a new sex position that I want to try. It's called 'with a partner'.
If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets. I'd hate to toot my own horn
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8, 9/11 was an inside job
Why do Jewish people have big noses? Air is free....
What's the difference between a Redditor and a brick? The brick will eventually get laid.
So I was driving down the street when I saw a couple guys trying to take an old lady's purse. I ran her over to help We got it off her eventually
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
Have I been shadow banned? Nevermind, turns out my comments just suck.
Confusing the word, "jacuzzi" with, "yakuza" has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I said to the porn producer I couldn't take any more dick... So I got the sack.
Greatest days of my life: 3) Day I got married 2) Day my first kid was born 1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Trump has no mistresses... He has alternative fucks.
I woke up because of birds chirping.nI wish I had wings too.nI would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one. n6 am is too early.
You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror. (I've locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)
24 men sucked off in Magaluf. 11 f*cked in Belo Horizonte.
What does a Jewish man get when he runs into a wall with an erection? a broken nose.
My entry for the shortest joke in the world congress
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Mrs. Pac-Man, for 25c she swallowed balls until she died
People don't realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I'm late to take FLARDFULL and ODMJUK on their play date.
What do you call graduates from secret society school? Alumniati
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I'm gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
A special joke for Mothers Day What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mum cant take a joke.
Complained to my wife about our sex life diminishing. Zero fucks were given.
What did Haley Joel Osment find at the top of Mt. Everest? Icy Dead People
Double negatives: A big No No
You gotta give it up to whoever invented mistletoe at Christmas, all they did was hang up a weed, but were like, "now ye must kiss me."
Dark humour is like dead children.. - it never gets old.
*on phone* He: so where is this going, babe? Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can't hear you...reception's bad!!
Confused.com adverts They're kinda confusing
The other night I went out on a blind date Well it didn't start out that way, she had mace.
I thought I'd spent all night disco dancing with this girl in a club. But apparently she was deaf and telling me to f*ck off'.
My wife made fun of my (admittedly) ugly balls again. I shall now drop the charade that I am a "feminist."
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One did the moon walk, and the other one raped little kids.
Have u heard of the guy with diarrea I hear he has the shits for you
If I was a real superhero I'd be Constipation Man. And stop shit from happening.
If you're cold... Go stand in a corner. They're 90 degrees.
when she gives me her autograph I love it when she signs the restraining order without dotting the i with a heart, playing hard to get I see!
Why do terrorists in Antarctica love being interrogated? Snow boarding is fun as hell.
Roses are red, Violets are red... Actually, I think my garden's on fire
What is a Japanese porn star's favorite kind of pants? [NSFW] Blue khakis.
A dop Ted Father : Son, do we have any dop ted? Son : What's a dop ted? Father : You are. You're adopted. Son : Nice one dad. Father : I'm not your dad.
Love means never having to say you're sorry until you've thought up a good excuse.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They are making headlines.
What do you call a guy that used to fight in the ring, but quit it all for video games? An ex-boxer.
I like my coffee how I like my slaves... FREE
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Did you guys hear the one about the circus fire? It was intense.
What Did The Idiot's Friend Say To The Other Idiot's Friend, After The Idiot Lit Herself On Fire? She's Bright...
Which country has the most number of bacteria, viruses, fungus and other micro-organisms? GerMany
Bomb squads must love Daylight Savings Time because of the extra hour they get before the bomb explodes.
Dark jokes are like food. Not everyone gets it.
A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning. Big mistake.
What do you get if you cross a cow a french fry and a sofa? A cowch potato!
What is similar between students with mental health issues and nurses giving vaccinations? They both tend to shoot up schools.
Bad advice to a suicidal person Hang in there
"Feeling sad? We can help make it worse" - online dating
What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 ho's
What's a racist bakers favourite ingredient? WHITE FLOUR!
A man heard that over 90% of car accidents happen within 15 km of home. So he moved.
What is Donald Trump's favorite nation? Discrimination
My husband asked if I was wet enough.. I was so he told me to get the fuck out of the shower and make him breakfast or he was going to be late for work.
Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is? More bird poop.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine's Day I can't wait until Presidents' Day.
A palindrome walks into a bar, says 'Yasraba Otni Sklawem Ordnilapa'.
Why are fleas never happy? They're in-fur-iated.
What's a drug addict's favorite music genre? Crack rock
I once had a selfie with Dwayne Johnson at the Alcatraz Island (during an SF City Tour)... Now I know what it feels to be stucked between The Rock and A Hard Place...
I hate when my wife says "GO WAIT IN THE CAR" because I'm not sure if she's talking to me or the kids.
Getting a bit worried, is this normal? One of my nipples is a different colour than the other two
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are! Criminals: I'll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I was alone, depressed and suicidal around Christmas time and decided to call the suicide prevention hotline "Sorry but all of our employees are happily spending Christmas with their loving families"
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Asked for Cheez-its Wife buys Cheese Nips Now she's sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
/r/askreddit thread "What's the best clean joke you know" with thousands of replies http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zrotp/whats_the_best_clean_joke_you_know/
quickie or quiche?
There's been and explosion is a French cheese factory... All that's left is de brie!
What did the waiter say to the customer complaining about a dirty bowl? This is unacceptable.
I'm a little surprised team USA can't find a goalie fat enough to block the entire net.
Just got a cat with a limp Called it Oedipus the needipus.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2. Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
What's the definition of Necrophilia? The urge to pop a cold one.
What do you call a snake that works in the government? A civil serpent
I didn't sleep so well last night... So this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I made it halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
How do you stop a 6'4" 300lb black kid from charging? You take away his EBT card.
Why did the mission control operator tell the astronauts not to eat any food? She saw some off-nom telemetry.
What's brown and furry on the inside and clear on the outside? King Kong in clingfilm
*1st date* [be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3] so where do y- *internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Its Saddam shame, the situation in the Middle East... ... it's Assad day for us all.
Sometimes I'll catch my reflection in a mirror and I'll be like, "oh no, that can't be right."
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it. -inventor of powerwalking
Donald Trump announced that he would be turning down the regular Presidential Salary in lieu of a yearly salary of $232 He said "If 232 is good enough for Hillary, it's good enough for me"
A bunch of kids took their mom's sisters to an EDM festival. It was all aunts and aunts and aunts and aunts and aunts...
Ten things men know about women (Strong language) 1) They have pussies 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10) They have breasts too
My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups... That's the last time I buy A Dell.
Why is a cat like a penny? Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
A blind man walks into a bar ow.
[Wheel] _'D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_ I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat Go ahead I'd like to solve the puzzle Yes, go ahead No, I'd like to..
If Jason Bateman had a servant... Would his servant call him Master Bateman?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.
The Samsung Galaxy S7 walks into a bar... But it isn't waterproof so it breaks.
Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder
What's the difference between a pizza, and this joke? One has cheese on it, the other's just plain cheesy.
Anal sex is like broccoli If you're forced to have it as a kid, yo won't enjoy it as an adult.
Who is Bobby Long? and why do all these reggae artists keep talking about wanting to burn him.
What do Yoko Ono and African children have in common? They both survive on dead beatles (beetles).
I think one of my dads might be gay
What's worse than a moron? A lessoff.
"Mommy mommy in school the kids call me shampoo" "Come on Johnson no more tears"
Being fat is just a giant trophy for all of the awesome food you ate.
Here's a joke for all you mind readers out there...
Did you hear about the kid who was outstanding at school? He came in when it started to rain.
Gifts for the family Nephew- iPod Son- iPhone Father- iPad Mother-iRon
7: Dad what does this word mean Me: Bring me a dictionary *Smack up side the head Me: Now go google that shit
Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.
Rupert Murdoch today said that he was very touched, by all the messages left on Amy Winehouses' phone.
first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club
I heard about this Mohel who did a circumcision while drunk ... ... he got the sack. He had developed a drinking problem, just couldn't cut it any more.
PC problem Political correctness has become so oppressive. I can't even say "Black paint" anymore, I have to say "Jamal would you please paint that fence?"
There should be a subreddit specifically for internet humor that gets lost in translation when you explain it in real life... ...and it should be called r/SlashAreSlash.
Had an extra four seconds today so I learned how to play the bongos.
Today was my first time handling a... ....wet pussy. I didn't realize the risk involved! The cat scratched the shit out of me and eventually escaped from its bath.
What disease causes people to swear at the dinner table? Gilles de la gourmette
What's Brian David Mitchell's favorite movie? Get Smart
I hate spelling errors. I mean, one simple mistake and your entire post is urined.
It's always funny when the flight attendant says "we know you have a choice of airlines" as if free will exists.
I like my women like I like my wine Eight years old and locked up in a cellar
whenevre macklemore says "im gonna pop some tags" i jus pictur him sittimg in his basement, silently taggimg himself in photos on facebook
How can you tell if a person's a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
The rotation of earth Really makes my day.
Why does iron man have a vagina? Because he's a Fe male
Beware the SATA of March Much faster than the IDEs
Why is there no such thing as an epileptic exhibitionist? Because flashing gives them seizures.
Fun fact: The hip word "chillax" is a combination of the slang term "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."
Spiderman, Spiderman/ Does whatever a spider can/ Attends college/ Works as a photographer/ Just like a spider
How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound? The answer's irrelevant as they all suck at it anyway.
your mama's so fat the government forced her to wear tailights and blinkers so no one else would get hurt
How do you call an unlocked phone ? Married and virgin.
What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadrabador
Apparently when your girlfriend asks which of her friends you would like to have a threesome with you are only supposed to say one name.
Dinosaurs naming their non-hetero children. What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopuss.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda's head.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what's around you.. And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Police: We'd like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband's disappearance. Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.
What do you call a musical instrument made of gelatin? A jello!
Did you hear about the little person psychic who broke out of jail? Police are looking for a small medium at large.
(OC) one I thought up this morning What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting? "Lettuce prey"
I hope Hilary gets elected. So taxpayers can save 23% on paying the presidential salary.
I get really sad whenever I go to Florida It just seems to be a tropical depression
Why can't the armless girl comb? Because she already had cancer.
This year I decided I am going back to the real roots of Thanksgiving and celebrating it in the traditional fashion. I will be handing out smallpox blankets to Native Americans.
Red Bull gives you wings... Unless you're a unicorn. If you're a unicorn Red Bull gives you fins. .... Please tell me at least *someone* got that obscure punchline.
Given the choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, I would prefer Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it.
Chuck norris is so fast that he can run around the world once and kick himself in the back of the head
NSFW how did the mother know her daughter was on her period? Daddy's dick tasted funny
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
I always wanted a trophy wife, But instead I got a participation medal girlfriend.
(NSFW) What do you call a black pilot? A pilot, you racist fucks...
What did Bob Marley say to his wife after he opened the fridge? "No, Woman, no pie."
I had a really funny joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime
American kids need to get better grades in school. Come on, guys. It's USA, not USB.
[parole hearing] OFFICER: are u reformed? ME: I O: go on M: I th O: tell us M: I'm O: yes M: can I finish my sentence O: ok parole denied
What do you call a stupid person? stupid
Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa. Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was. He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'
Joke Trade You post a joke, i will (hopefully) make a thread out of it with other jokes or at the very least post One response that is related. Lets trade!
"haha yeah totally" - me to cab drivers
*rolls up sleeves* *gets high on sleeves*
Make someone's day better by not showing up for work
When I win the lottery I'm getting a pool boy, maybe I'll even get a pool.
Why did the golfer wear 2 shirts when he went golfing? In case he got a hole-in-one!
When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put "lame shorts" and nothing happened
Hitler killed himself for only for one reason He saw his gas bills Also, He said Pass the juice, not Gas the Jews. *not meaning to be rude to anyone who is a jew as this is a joke*
I wish celebrities would let us know if they have the greatest fans in the world.
On a Scale... of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky how much do you like kids?
Michael Jackson, too soon? What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One of them walks on the moon, the other one fucks little boys in the ass
Thank goodness for loyalty program emails. I keep forgetting what brands I'm loyal to.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? because Jewish women won't accept anything unless it has at least 20% off.
Whoever decided to print nutritional information on ice cream cartons should be arrested and tried for the murder of my happiness.
[dog on trial for murder] lawyer: who's a good boy? dog: I am lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Baby metamorphosis I feel like nobody names their baby Craig. One day, around age 35, the baby just becomes Craig. that is all
What do you call a lesbian toilet. Gai Waterhouse.
Son:Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'? Father:It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? They can't. The only thing they can screw is your mind.
So a depressed horse walks into a bar.. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYEE
I'm Puerto Rican, but not "carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go" Puerto Rican. Sometimes it's in my bra.
I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.
Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?
What did the apple say to the banana? Nothing -- apples don't talk!
[trial] Judge: how do you plead? "not guilty" J: but you've admitted to dropping an anvil on him. "he asked me to make him a pancake"
longest word in the English language - Funny but logical What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? A seizure salad.
Unless you've studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you've read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn't valid -Nobody ever
What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common? They both have little boys' jeans half off.
Why can't Norwegians tell jokes Timing
Waiter: how did you two meet Me: this is actually a blind date W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET
Billy Connolly Tells Just About the Funniest Story Ever
Why can't Donald Trump get elected? Because no Juan will vote for him.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian tells him... "Fuck off you won't bring it back"
Yesterday CNN reported that "sitting will kill you, even if you exercise" and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Two boys were arrested... Two boys were arrested -- one was drinking battery acid, and one was eating fireworks. The authorities charged one and let one off.
What do you do when a feminist, anti-feminist and meninist cross paths? Triggernometry.
Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise .... Was Rock Of Ages really that bad?
It's cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can't even dress the kids properly.
We should give the Nobel Peace Prize to the person who figures out how to clap while holding a drink at a concert.
Some schools are banning Santa so they don't offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.
Thanks for posting your running route on Facebook. Now I know the best place to hit you with my car.
I'm no master of suspense, but...
Do/Be To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
I like my women the way I like my paper... white, thin, and able to take a few punches
[at club] DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE "WHAT?" [does stabbing and offering motion] A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation* Fish Boss: great work! Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think! Fish Boss: you're fired.
I was painting the house with my kids yesterday. It was fun and all, but I wasn't sure where to hide the bodies.
Wanna hear a blonde joke Donald Trump
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't care. You pick
One of my dad's favorites about flying "You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there."
Me:Did you have a ruff day? Dog: Me:What? That was funny! Dog: Me:Do you not like puns? Dog: Me:I think I'm high. Dog:Did you smoke my weed?
I eat a wide variety of foods: lasagna, tacos, hamburgers... and dim sum.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
What is Littlefinger's favorite castle in all of Westeros? Haremhal
Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn't want her head cut off, maybe there should've been actual cake. ~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
What does a pirate from Boston say? Aaahhh.
Apparently, when the Queen was at school, her strongest subject was the Gym teacher.
"Just how drunk are you?" - "French toast"
They say 1 glass of wine a day is good for your heart. But what about 7 glasses of wine once a week? I'll let you know how that works out.
Do scientists know how Ebola effects white people yet?
What's the difference between a pig and a dwarf janitor? One is messy, and the other is a little cleaner.
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? A seizure salad!
What's the difference between an old Greyhound bus terminal and a lobster with 38 D breasts? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean!
A Portuguese, a Greek and a Spaniard go into a bar. Who pays? A German.
New York record days without homicide is a lie. Turns out the guy responsible for updating the homicide-toll has been found dead at his desk with a knife in his back.
Woe, gone. RIP Sir Terry
Being a teacher is great, I only work a half day 12 hours/day. Thank you, don't forget to tip your TA, I'll be here all week (M-F except Federal Holiday) folks!
What is the perfect name for an Indian butler? Mahatma Coat
My Favourite Sweets by Annie Seedball
Every chair is a reclining chair when you're drunk.
Adrian Belew He needed the money.
Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom? Because her pee is silent.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen ...mosquito bite. What did YOU think I'm talking about? Weirdos!!
What did Kendrick Lamar say when Rihanna tried to unplug his VR headset? Bitch, don't kill my Vive.
I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What's the hardest part about making a manicure joke? You really have to nail it
Multitasking Whoever said women can multitask is talking bollocks.....I told my missus to sit down and shut the fuck up, she couldn't do either
Moses opens his tablet. The notification says, "You have 10 unread commandments'.
Hydrogen punched helium... Helium didn't react.
How many Millennials does it take... to screw in a lightbulb? None. Their parents will do it for them.
What do you call homosexual dinosaurs? What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapuss. What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasoreass.
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say "I could do that better.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat* *Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
What's long and hard on a black man? The First grade!
I have been checking Facebook less and less. If this continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.
What do you call two Mormons caught in the rain? Washing your whites on a rinsed cycle.
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?
Once this cunning guy had a drum but a real problem with it A conundrum some might say.
How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? When this gets 500 upvotes, I'll tell you the answer.
I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
How do you change the number of sides in a pentagon? You intersect it with a plane.
What's the square root of 69? It's 8 something right?
If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he's blind as a bat? #WellThatsAGoodQuestion
A nun wakes up late for church.... She runs out after quickly getting dressed, and asks a small boy, "Is mass out?" He replies, "No but your hat's on crooked."
The trouble with cops is if one's a douchebag you can't ask to speak to a manager.
A man sitting in a barber's chair noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty. When he commented  on this the barber explained "Yes sir no one's been in for a  shampoo yet."
What color was the Dallas shooters eyes? Blue. One blue this way and one blue that way.
How to scare burglars off.... First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.
Anytime a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
What do you think Mozart is doing right now? Decomposing.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Where do otters come from? Otter Space.
As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I'm expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
Hilary and Trump are on a sinking boat. Who is saved? America
Joke I had a joke about cheese. Never mind it was too cheesy... The last of us inspirational full of haha joke...:)
Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having
What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center? Two large plains.
I'm almost always naked when ordering food It really weirds out the drive-thru attendant
coder lolz what do you get when throw salt at a coder? a seasoned developer.
What does ISIS and a great joke have in common? A great execution.
All the single ladies put your hands up! *handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff* I'm your only option now.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits. It's seance!
How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb? 14,000. 1 to hold the lightbulb, 4 to hold the chair, and 13,995 to spin the house.
She wants to know what I accomplished on my day off, but when I show her she yells at me for not flushing. Marriage is hard.
What happens when you put the batteries in backwards in an Energizer Bunny? It keeps cumming and cumming and cumming....
What do you call an angry prostitute? Whoremonal.
HOROSCOPE: You'll read a horoscope today. ME: Whoa, it's like they know me.
whats a frogs favourite type of shoe... open toaded shoes
Are you in the comments? 'cause the real joke is always in the comments.
If I had an email for every Hillary Clinton joke being made right now I'd have none.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
What did the Chinese guy say to his wife after her botched plastic surgery? Honey, why the wrong face?
I started reading YouTube comments recently Because cutting myself just wasn't doing the trick anymore.
Why do flamingos stand on one leg? Because if they stood on no legs, they would fall over!
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That really stings ... I'm like the one thing she could get rid of.
I think mountains are funny.... they're *hill areas*
My Thai girlfriend says a small penis isn't a problem in a loving relationship... I still wish she didn't have one.
I started cheating on my wife for better BDSM Whoops, wrong sub.
What do you call a pig with no clothes on?  Streaky bacon!
My mom bought a new vacuum, she says it really sucks.
New sea world commercial brags that their whales live just as long as wild whales. Personally I'd want a shorter life if I lived in a bowl.
My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology." So I replied, "No, *your* generation is too reliant on technology!" Then I disconnected his life support.
If Jehovah's witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I'd gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Almost got raped in prison My family takes Monopoly way too seriously
Why can't you eat soup in The Matrix? Because there is no spoon.
How many times can you watch the Godfather movies before you're bored? More than a Coppola times....Solozzo times I guess..don't be a Fredo gettin' addicted to it.... It's Kay :)
What's 2 + Blink 182 46
What do you call it when a feminist yells so much she spits on your face? A femijizm
What do Philadelphia Eagles fans do after they win the superbowl? Turn of madden and go to bed. (I'm an eagles fan)
Two newfies are walking down a path... They see a sheep tangled up in a fence. The one says "man, I wish that was a pretty lady" to which his friend replys "i just wish it was dark"
How many mutants do you need to take over a Ship? 5 MutantA MutantB MutantC MutantD and Mutiny
How do epileptics keep fit? With strobe lights.
What is a berry's favorite farewell? "Acai you later!"
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men" .... So he stabs her &amp; nicks her purse.
Made this up two days ago: What did the French guy say when a bird pooped on him? I have Grey Poupon me
If Trump is the answer.... How stupid is the question?
What do electricians say when they meditate? Ohm...
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left leg and arm in a car crash? He's all right now.
What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common? When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake
I will give you reddit gold if you dont read this.
Why did the chip chase the sauce? To ketchup Edit: I'm sorry
What is a pirates favorite letter? P. Because without it, he'd be irate.
Why was the atom laughing? Because part tickles.
When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.
A guy I know got hit in the head with a can of soda He was lucky it was a soft drink
What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help? "This is not a drill!"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance We'll see about that
*Watches sad movie* Wife: I like happy endings. Me: me too, but you have to tip more. Wife:... Me: twitter would have liked it.
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is f*cking ridiculous.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
"I'm so sorry", I go around whispering to people who've just woken up from a coma.
What do women and KFC have in common? Once your done with breasts and the thighs, all you have left to do is stick your bone in a greasy box...
If Donald Trump was Chinese, what would his name be? ...Wong.
I once told a woman I could give her twelve inches. I just needed to make four three inch installments.
Why is leather clothing good for sneaking? It's made of hide
I wish I was able to say as many things with a simple 'mmmmhhhmmmmm' as your average elderly black woman.
What was the name of the Antartic terrorist group? ICEis
I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed... how could anyone stoop so low
im trying to to see from your point of view, but i cant get my head that far up my ass
I regret having to say this, but it's the cold, hard truth. Never put a PayDay bar in the refridgerator. Damn thing is impossible to eat now.
What's black, white, and red all over? A dead panda!
5 out of 6 scientists feel Russian Roulette is safe
Why doesn't the sun need to go to University? He's too bright.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I'm working on a book for dyslexics right now. It's incredibly difficult, cause I'm doing it all in palindromes.
what did the zero say to the eight? nice belt.
I like my coffee like I like my women..... ....ground up and in the freezer.
[at dentist office] Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn't supposed to undress first
Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting  our waters ? Pupil: Stop taking baths ?
A Mexican man contended in the Olympics He won a gold medal in the "Jump and run" event.
I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.
I went to a fight and a hockey match broke out... http://www.sbnation.com/nhl/2015/11/14/9736852/jets-predators-unsportsmanlike-penalties
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin...
Why do i call my dick "chess"? because it's hard as fuck for 6 year olds
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Words can't possibly describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can 4/10
If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you... I would definitely think about you
An 81-year-old woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn't raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Everybody who believes in telekinesis raise MY right hand.
never hit a guy with glasses... hit him with a brick
What drink do you have on Halloween? Mali-BOO
10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.
'I know a black person' - White people
I got pizza grease on my newspaper today And thought I'd developed x-ray vision.
Walked out the pub the other night and seen a bloke at the end of the road with a broken down car. I said "what's the matter mate?" he said "piston broke" I said "so am I!" and stumbled home.
The groundhog in our town died on Sunday. I can't imagine how long our winter will be now.
Office Theft Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word
Why is the difference between brucellosis and brucellitis like the difference between a woman and an LGBT woman? One is real and the other isn't.
Pick up line for a Shakespeare lover. How now brown chicken brown cow?
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares?
When can you count on a hamburger in an  emergency? When the chips are down!
Two tomatoes are sitting in a refrigerator One turns to the other and says: "It's really cold in here". and the other one says: ["JESUS CHRIST A TALKING TOMATO!!"](/spoiler)
I tried convincing my melon-loving girlfriend to run away with me. But she told me she Cantaloupe.
On this occasion of Chinese New Year I would like to ask all my Chinese friends. Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?
No need to fight over me, ladies. I'm perfectly capable of disappointing all of you sexually.
There are two types of people in this world: 1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once 2)Liars
What's the best part about going to a concert in Paris? Free Shots
Why was the horse happy to come home after being released from the hospital? Because of his stable condition.
How is eating pussy and being in the Mafia similar? One slip of tongue and you're in deep shit!!
I'm no gynecologist... But I can take a look.
Why is a burning candle like being  thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !
My grandpa died peacefully in his sleep... But not the other 3 people in his car.
What does a girl from Alabama say after having sex? Get off me Dad! You're crushing my smokes!
Two boys were watching TV when the fabulous face  and figure of Pamela Anderson appeared on the screen. "if I ever stop hating girls" said one to the other "I think I'll stop hating her first."
What do you call a dear with no eyes? No Idea
You have to keep changing your clocks for daylight savings Aint nobody got time fo dat shit but apparently errybody got time fo dat shit.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
What is not allowed in the ring, but boxers do every night? Hit the sack.
Hey Mom, I hate tomato soup... Mom: Shut up, you only have it once a month!
Why don't 90 year old women have sex? Have YOU ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
When life gets hard you have to grasp it. When it comes you have to take it on the chin.
Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes
Why can't Oedipus swear? Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
What do you call a bad circumcision? A rip-off
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
While stalking someone on Facebook, I accidentally liked a picture 700 tags deep. Not even Yahoo! Answers has a solution for this.
Failed my biology test today They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer. Me: We don't need a freezer that big. Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies? Me: I love you.
There are two kind of business on earth... One is not your business, and the other is not my business.
How do triangles communicate? Sin language
Why did cavemen... drag their women by the hair? So they wouldn't fill up with gravel.
Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sac
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away Though if you don't go see your doctor regularly for checkups, you're bananas!
NHL Referees
There are 10 types of people Those who understand hexadecimal.. And F the rest.
Whats a Mexican's Favorite Sport? Cross Country
Who drives away all his customers ? A taxi driver.
I love to challah at Jewish chicks.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
I'm sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead. Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup. ~White people.
Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob? Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.
In High School they used to call me Big Tim, but it wasn't because of my height, Ladies ;).... .....its because I was Morbidly Obese.
What do Brooklyn and tight jeans have in common? Flatbush.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
tower shaped appetisers are a bit of a mouthful. Talk about tall hors d'oeuvre
Which fly captured the ladybird? The dragon-fly.
Just received a full body scan. Airport lady says I should probably see a doctor but is frustratingly unspecific.
Comedy is like a baby shower Useless if the delivery goes wrong
I like to stand next to someone else's screaming baby, call an ex boyfriend, and tell him, "We need to talk!"
What did a cell say to his sister cell, when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
Did you hear about the guy who got a boner during a wine tasting? It turned out it was only a semillon
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart. "I'll be beethoven!" Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be? "I'LL BE BACH."
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I'm like who the hell is acting geez.
A new movie based on the game Tetris is about to drop... ..so you better start lining up. (two for the price of one!)
A giraffe walks into a bar... Says, "High balls on me!"
Just honked at a red light. That doesn't work.
Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that's the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack.. They're two things I'll never see coming. (I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)
What did the yogi have for breakfast? an lette
Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!
Whats the difference between congress and a US mint? One of them makes sense!
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America.
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
My Thai wife has got a penis the size of a tubular bell... I love her long chime.
just missed a turn because I was trying to tweet "dong cheadle" while driving
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?" The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
Sorry I can't attend your Facebook event, I'll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.
I can't believe the queen knighted Mix-a-Lot.
Have you heard about that new film about the tractor? I just saw the trailer.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Would everyone in the room who believes in telekinesis... Please raise my hand?
A little jewish girl was playing with an ashtray... Hitler comes in and says: "Are you looking for someone?"
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!
Jesus loves you is always great to hear Unless you're in a mexican prison.
probably my biggest regret is not having gone to high school in an 80s movie.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
What did the pumpkin pie say to the cheesecake as they were going into the oven? I think this is a set up!
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth. Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that. Me: Go home.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?? Depends how hard you throw them.
A Jewish boy asks his father: "Father, can I please borrow 50 dollars?" The father replies: "40 dollars! What on earth do you need 30 dollars for!?"
Which is more environment-friendly: Facebook or r/jokes? Facebook produces too much plastics while r/jokes has 100% recycling rate.
I saw a man 3 foot 3 outside my house looking for my utilities readings Turns out he was the metre man
Whenever I'm on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr.Dre
Where do robo-babies come from? From the computerus.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
Why was the bull popular with all the cows? Because he was smooooooooth
whats orange and black and hates lasagna? A picky eater wearing a Garfield costume.
I need beer money but I've probably captured my neighbor's cat and returned it for the reward one too many times.
World peace (how to) If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours...followed by a global food shortage.
Well well well, if it isn't the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall...
Faberge's Eggs Hey, wife! I've bought the Faberge's eggs. Both...
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
A man was circumcised in a dodgy alleyway... He paid close to nothing for it but was not happy as later that day, he was complaining to his friends that it was a complete rip-off.
If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green? Batman: You're the decoy
How to determine what party to vote for: 1) Calculate income 2) Divide by number of dependents 3) Subtract age 4) Download Game of War
What do you call a see through father who was born with female genitalia? Transparent.
"You're never alone.": A phrase that's maybe cute to find in a love note, but horrifying to find smeared on a fogged up bathroom mirror.
How is a woman like KFC? After you're done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box.
Everyone knows Superman's father was Jor-El, but no one ever mentions his germophobic uncle, Pur-El.
Jesus loves everyone. Except manicurists. He always hated having his nails done.
I could literally eat every day and not get sick of it.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I answer with an automatic "Yes" each time my mom says "Oh, have I told you...?" I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day's specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
As a kid, the thing that used to annoy me about going to church was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling... I wish the priest could just pick a position and fuck me.
Dad says, "College students are more interested in women today than ever before.." A lot of them are in a program where they study a broad
Do you ever think about how "Chips Ahoy" is meant to evoke a weary ship captain finally encountering a cookie with a decent amount of chips
As a software developer, I like my bugs how I like my women Unable to reproduce.
I just got back from my best friend's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
A good name for a dog would be syndrome. Because then you could say down, syndrome. -courtesy of norm macdonald ;)
How do you call Niggeria leaving EU? blackout
"Are you working right now? Where are you working?" Facebook is worse than my parents.
Nothing's deader than the eyes of a Burger King employee who can no longer bring themselves to correct people who order "McNuggets" anymore.
I'm so bad at riding my unicycle It's impossible to get a handle on it...
What did Sherrock Holmes say to his partner? Sedimentary my dear Watson!
I prayed to God asking him to give me a good husband. And the God did. My husband didn't pray - and he has got me to deal with.
[OC] Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9!
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
What do you call a Canadian group of racists? The Ku Kanux Klan.
What is the most religious unit in electrical engineering? Ohm.
I lost my mood ring... And I'm not sure how I should feel about it.
A cheeseburger walks up to a bar.. Cheeseburger says: "Excuse me, can I have a pint of lager please?" Barman says: "No sorry, we don't serve food."
The "sell by" date should actually be the "diarrhea after" date.
When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
What do motors and the Soviet Union have in common? Commutators
What is it called when you dream in color? A chromatose
What did the dead magician say? Abra-cadaver
Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I'm not that old...
Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country? 2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?
Roses are grey, Violets are grey, Daisies are grey, Because I'm a dog.
Why are there no knock knock jokes about the United States? Because in America, freedom rings.
Why was the Tibetan monk celibate? Because he didn't give a fuck.
My Donald J. Trump doll finally arrived. It was manufactured in China, then shipped to Russia for special handling.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
What is green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What's the difference between a chestnut and a walnut? Your aim.
I was pondering life with the cat wizard... Then he said something that gave me paws.
Divorce is tough on some kids Others are just happy to be single again.
A woman is in an abusive relationship. She's talking to her friend one day. Her friend asks, "Why do you stay with him?" She replies, "Beats me!"
What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution.
in Heaven you get back all the chapsticks you lost
I went to the the local library for a book, I asked the lady for a book on Psycho the Rapist, she said, i think its pronounced Psychotherapist.
What is the definition of 'making love'?  Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.
One for the scientists of Reddit: What does a posh duck say? Quark.
i dont see why i should have to brush my teeth. you dont brush the rest of your bones, do you? its ridiculous.
Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chickens foot.
What do you call a dinosaur with a big penis? Megalodong.
If there was a male cow made out of earth... That would be terrible.
What's white in the morning, white in the afternoon and white in the evening? An Irishman trying to get a tan.
Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?
Special Hand Job Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics... You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...
Guy: so what u up to after this? Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I added broccoli to my kid's Mac n Cheese and now he's sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.
How do you spell badly? With a broken magic wand.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, ... I'd start thinking about you.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere.
I never understood why being called an Einstein is bad. It's only relatively insulting.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts
What did Jesus say... when he was being nailed at the cross by the jews? Wait till Hitler comes.
If 8 got laid... she would be fucking without any limits.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to bangkok
Did you hear about gay Santa? He stuck a match in a frogs ass and then shaved the skin off of the frog. Looking at it upside down he said "now who wants some popcorn?"
One Million Copies of a new book Sold One Million Copies of a new book sold in just 2 days due to a typing error of just 1 alphabet in title Title of book : "an idea can change your Wife"
It's funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was "too much of a prude" is now a Catholic school teacher.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
bakers trade recipes on a knead-to-know basis
What do you call a math teacher that assigns graphs with holes and assymptotes on tests? Asshole.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike? Pick it! (Picket)
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Benny ! Bennny who ? Benny thing happening !
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
What are a Mexican's favorite dimensions for square dancing? dos y dos
Why do Communists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
What do you call a pissed off german? Sauerkraut
Anal Lube? More like Anal *Noob*
Cheer up you won't be single forever. One day you'll die
What do Egyptians do when their mass transit breaks down? Get Anubis.
Her:"Let's make a baby." Him: "Okay! Hold on." *goes to bathroom* [5 minutes later.] Her: "Where'd you go?" Him: "You meant with you??"
In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.
How is college like a woman? It takes forever to get in, and nine months later you wish you hadn't come.
[soldier dying in my arms] "You take this & you give it to my wife." "No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me."
Has a conversation in my head - Cackles with mirth
I would've posted a joke about pizza But I forgot it.
Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS
My girlfriend doesn't like me having access to a European single market of 500 million So we had a vote and she's making me uninstall Tinder
What's a 68? You do me, and I'll owe you 1!!
Why doesn't jesus play hockey? He's scared of getting nailed into the boards
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.The problem is that, after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac doesn't.
4 former presidents walk into a bar Clinton gets a new STD
It's not the most beautiful poem, but it's pretty deep I dig you dig he digs she digs we dig
What do you say when you see a rainbow colored seacow O the hue manatee
Girls who draw their eyebrows on may as well do them with a disappointed expression because yeah no thanks.
Why doesn't Trump like Google? Bing, bing, bing... (Source: The Daily Show, by Trevor Noah)
Trying nofap for just 7 days... ... and it already gets really hard.
I cut my little finger today... ... because I didn't like the way it looked.
Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space. CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola. Me: They have Ebola?
What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic? Going inside and asking for a coat hanger.
What does a Mermaid bring to math class? An algae-bra.
There are two fish in a tank, one says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing"
What type of punch hurts kids the most? A sandy hook
"All you need is love." -billionaire musicians
In my doctor's waiting room, I explained to a WWII veteran what a Twitter follower count is. I think he regrets winning the war now.
Who are the world's fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 10 seconds.
-911 what's your emergency? -People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Why don't chicken coops have Four doors? because then they would be Chicken sedans
I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.
My girlfriend is the squareroot of -100. She's a 10, but it sucks because she's imaginary.
What do you call explosive cow vomit? A cud missle!
I've always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
You heard about Pluto? That's messed up, right?
They say in 1990 a vagina almost took Bill Clinton down Now it looks like a weiner may take Hillary
I Tried to Purchase Some Camouflage Clothes But I just couldn't see myself in them.
"That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff" "Relax, honey. I'm sure she means well"
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Every N.W.A song Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas! Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown.
Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn't happen by 40 I'll just start running at random strangers.
I heard diaria is hereditary It runs through your jeans
[cat shelter] Me: so u don't test for it but u say none of them have it? Owner: we've never come across a cat with martial arts training, no
What's up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don't even wanna talk to the living.
What's the difference between a folk singer and a pepperoni pizza? A pepperoni pizza can actually feed a family of five.
How did John Lennon like his Pop Tarts? Strawberry filled forever.
I ate an apple and jerked off with the core in my ass But not in that order
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I'm taking a selfie and you're in the background
What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Mike Tyson Mysteries is on Netflix now... Episode 1: case of the missing ear.
Have you heard about that new Tron movie? The protagonists name is Adam.
"Jimmy, why did you bring your cat to school?" "Because my dad said 'When Jimmy leaves for school, that pussy is getting smashed!" Kind of a lame post, but it's my first on the joke thread :/
We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"
How do historians know Hitler had a drinking problem? White Russians were the death of him.
How do you call a dog without legs? you don't you go and grab him
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
What's an alcoholic's favourite type of Maths? Swigonometry.
A hamstring is really just Lady Gaga's lingerie.
Chicago's a dangerous place. Last time I visited I stole two cars and a lady's purse.
What do you call a 7 year old redneck girl who can run faster than her brothers? A virgin.
Nice try "Marco Rubio"  or should I say... [rearranges letters] "BIRAC UBOMA" [audience gasps]
Maybe it's chicken that tastes like everything.
My review of Ebert's latest venture: I give it 6 feet down
Abortion is an out of body experience for fetuses
"Hi honey did you miss me?" "With every bullet so far" - Married with children. Peggy and Al Bundy. Just watch the whole thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ_PKMbdNTU
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn't be friends with anymore.
I was at a checkup.. And the doctor said i need to stop masturbating "Why?" "Because I'm checking you."
The Fountain of Youth has been discovered but it's in Flint, MI, so I wouldn't drink from it.
I accidentally took 1 of my girlfriend's multivitamins for women & I've been looking at engagement rings & crying uncontrollably for 4 hours
Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly."
Definition of a spider, to someone who is afraid of spiders. Spiders are just furry eight-leggedy things, think of them as two kittens taped together and you'll be fine.
How can you find a blind guy at a nude beach? Oh come on, it's not hard...
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I have never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
If you insist on telling me about your weekend, I suggest you do it in the bathroom, as it's the only place I'll give a shit.
Two strings walk into a bar The first one says, "I'll have a rum and cokeazx36@#&amp;-334". The second one says, "Excuse my friend, he's not null terminated".
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a robot? Steel wool
I'll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?
Male seahorses get pregnant. In related news, scientists believe men who tell women what to with their bodies come back as seahorses.
Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple? Because he couldn't get a date!
Why does superman have balls of steel? I wouldn't know, i don't know the canon that well
What's the difference between a blowjob and a burger? Oh, you don't know? We should do lunch sometime.
I got my haircut the other day... ...and I just saw my barber at the grocery. He asked how I liked my haircut. I told him I didn't like it at first, but its growing on me.
Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.
there's a new joke on this subreddit
A puzzling amount of nonsense... If you're sailing through the desert and your house gets a flat how many flapjack a would it take to put that motherfucker up on stilts?
So the Pope joined twitter so he can "Reach out to a younger generation." He is certainly not the first Catholic to have done that.
QUICK! HOW MANY BABY CARROTS CAN A GUY SHOVE UP HIS BUTT BEFORE HE... 12.
Did you hear about the new rating scale for how colorblind someone is? Its called the greyscale
X = Y The teacher asked the student, "If x=y, what is x?" The student answered, "y?" The teacher replied, "why not?"
A sushi bar but it's just lots of different puppies you can pick up and pet going round on the conveyor belt.
What's black, white and red all over? Battleship Potemkin.
Why do rappers make bad carpenters? Because they measure 5.5 to 6 inches as 8 to 13 inches.
What's Malcolm X's favorite Mountain Dew flavour? White-out.
Call me old-fashioned, but marriage should be about a man aligning forces with a trusted ally to consolidate power & destroy common enemies
*Listening to red hot chili peppers* Me: You call that music? I can't even hear anything! Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again
Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch.
*kids running down the stairs* DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, "SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR."
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Shout out to bicyclists that yell "on your left" as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
"ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab--no ice-- no thats definitly a babey" - man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey
ME: I'll sleep on it. MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok. ME: So wrap it up. I'd like to sleep on it tonight. MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the... ok.
Who is the scientist's favorite zombie? The schrodinger cat.
What do you call a cat sitting on the edge of a cliff? A precipuss.
What did the homeless man get for christmas? very hungry
What Do You Call a Rabbit with a Crooked Dick? Fucks Funny
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them would you go to lunch or read the paper?
"ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!" -captain of the Titanic
What did Hugh Hefner say when he got to heaven? meh
You know, they said it would take a few years for my medical practice to get off the ground... But I just don't have the patients.
You know what's pretty cool? A cellar :)
You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I bought some shoes from my drug dealer... But I don't think they were laced because I've been tripping all day.
Le dice una madre a su hijo "Me ha dicho un pajarito que te drogas!"... El hijo responde: "La que se debe estar drogando eres tu que andas hablando con pajaros"
When did Caesar reign ? I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did didn't they hail him ?
My dad taught me you can't try rationalize with crazy... It was a self-taught lesson.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
What do you call a personal laptop floating in the ocean? A Dell - Rolling In The Deep
Why do only bald people get cancer?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it'd be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
You're Twitter famous. Cool, cool. I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
A man walks into the bar But fails since he was too busy drinking through law school
What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much? Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License? Because she got an F in sex.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
After a few days with family, a padded cell with WiFi sounds like the perfect getaway.
What smells of cheese and is filled with holes? About 100 French people right now
What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli (I'm sorry I'll leave now...)
Since Fall Out Boy broke up I want to start a female group called Fall Down Girl. There's no singing, we just get wasted and fall down a lot
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to "move it move it." ME: That's correct. I: It goes on like for... 30 pages. M: And?
What do you call someone addicted to both crack and weed? A rockin' roller.
What?s orange and rhymes with parrot? Carrot
What's the funniest thing you can find in a closet? Robin Williams
Technically, all vehicles are time machines.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats This is known as many paws
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Knock knock Who's there? Dexter Dexter, who? Dexter halls with boughs holly!
Girl Monster 1: "I hear you've met the  perfect guy." Girl Monster 2: "Oh yes he's a bad dream come true!"
What do you call an Asian man with one leg? Tai-Wan-Shu
How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself? Wax off
What do you call cows with no sense of humor? Feminists
Ay gurl, are you a beaver. 'cause dam.
[cop car] Buzzfeed Guy: It's okay I work for Buzzfeed Cop: You robbed 10 banks Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn't believe how much I got from #6!
Why did the investor invest in exercise equipment? Because it was worth the weight!
Pretty ironic how there's an active ingredient in marijuana.
Doesn't say much for humanity that the most popular are also the least interesting.
My St. Patrick's Day Joke Q:How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? A:Zero
male friend "i hate tea"... me "of course you like tea!" friend "...?" me "tit-teas..."
Two scientists walk into a bar... first one says I'll have H2o Second one says I'll have a H20 too. Then he dies
What are pillowy breasts made of? mammary foam
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park] "what are you doing inside my house?"
When did you find out Santa wasn't real? For me it was when I noticed he had the same birthmark on his cock as my uncle.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were "hella jellybeans" in the jar.
I tried running once. But I kept spilling my beer.
ME: where's your brother? OLDEST CHILD: where's another roll of duct tape? ME: *sprints to the basement*
There's a question in the exam that said, "What is the past tense of 'think'?" So I thought and thought and thought and eventually I picked 'thinked'.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
What bee is good for your health ? Vitamin bee !
Language is cool because it's just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter? A: They could get chapped lips!
Whoever told black people they'll explode if they talk quietly needs to let them know they were just kidding.
*I* actually went through with a threesome. There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
I just found out what ballerinas call their dresses. I just put two and two together.
I love Reddit You guys are great.
I didn't know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That's you. Now, see the guy choking you? That's me.
Another knock knock joke I can tell knock knock jokes to my dog because when I say "Knock, knock." He starts barking and runs to the door... Stupid dog ! There's never anyone !!!
What does a piano, tuna, and a bucket of glue have in common? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Don't ask me about the bucket of glue though... I've been stuck there for a while
Monday I start my new job at PepsiCo. They told me I need to show up with nothing but a Can O' Dew attitude.
I got a $400 ticket for playing pokemon GO in the car today. Most expensive in-app purchases EVER.
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter? He killed all 140 characters.
Did you know the Hulk has a lesser know super hero cousin with depression? Yeah, he's called the Incredible Sulk. #momstandup
I had a Mayweather joke but,... It ran away.
*mob meeting* ayo new guywho're you? "they call me the butcher" oh yea? why's that, butch? *smacks him with a pork loin* "no reason"
America's flag should be a picture of a deep-fried smartphone with bullet holes in it
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
When talking to a girl, their boobs are like the sun... You can't look at them for very long unless you have sunglasses
So I work in a Steak House and all the people there are really lazy So I must say after working there: That it's rare to see a job well done
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Dyslexia cost me my job in IT Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files
The world's shortest dirty joke ... Gynecologist found drug stash.
Knock, knock Knock knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? No you're a poo!
What's the best time of day? The Spanish Inquisition. . . . . . Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
How did Moses feel after falling for a craigslist scam? Egypt.
Went to see a show about the dictionary. It was a play on words.
I tried smoking mushrooms today.. ..but the pizza sauce kept putting the lighter out.
I had to break it off with my girlfriend. She wouldn't fake orgasms. I can't be with someone who doesn't care about my needs.
"Do you have anything with 3-5 pounds of rhinestones on the ass?" Upper-middle class ladies shopping for jeans
What do wheat, gluten, and Arkansas have in common? They're all in bread.
What do Native Americans call vegetarians? Poor hunters
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don't work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I hear Sisyphus was a musical genius The original master of rock and roll!
There is guy who knows most of secrets of the World That guy name is Mister-Lee [Mystery]
Mozart got sick and tired and decided to slaughter all his chickens. They wouldn't stop going Bach bach bach.
You can tell which side of your pillow is the cool side because it's the one smoking a cigarette.
This banker I know has absolutely no friends... I think he's loanly
Times New Roman walks into a saloon. The bartender says to him, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type here." So he shot the serif.
It seems many women are turned off by Donald Trump... Maybe it's because he rubs them the wrong way...
Where does the aardvark family always come first? In the phone book!
What's Forest Gump's password? 1Forest1
What's the difference between a black man and an elevator? An elevator can raise a child.
Before i was born, i was given two choices 1. Have a large penis but suffer from memory loss. 2. Have a tiny penis but be very smart and remember everything. I do not remember which option i took.
What does Popeye's dick smell like? Olive Oil
What happened when the child molester lost his job? Classroom 3-A got a new teacher.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha
Judge: The defendant is claiming you're a nazi. Is this true? Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour *courtroom gasps*
A man injures his hand and visits his doctor... "Doc, will I be able to play the piano now?" "Of course! This won't stop a thing." "That's good, because I couldn't play worth a damn before!"
A classic from when we were kids A man walks into a bar... And says "Ow!"
Why do jewish men like latinas? Because chicsas are hot!
What do you do when you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.
There's only one similarity between Donald Trump and Feminists. Redditors hate them both.
I went to Florida, had sex with some gay reptiles and bought some bottles of sports drink I now have gatorades. :(
Teacher : The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it ? Pupil : My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks !
9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini? Me: That is actually called a G-string, son. 9: Oh, does the "G" stand for gross?
I had my operation done privately in the end. Originally my Dad wanted to sell tickets.
French Blacksmith How does a French blacksmith sharpen his blade? He hon(hon hon)s it.
If she high-five you after sex...marry her on the spot.
What do Mexican's put under their carpet? Underlay
My sister said she won't let me see her kids because I'm a sex offender! Who would keep a father from their own kids?
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hippies don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in tents.
It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pocket.
Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor* Me: What are you doing?! 3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Not going to prison for murder.
If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom I guess it's finally time to shave my legs for spring *Walks away with hedge trimmers
The titanic hits an iceburg and the captain says... ''I NOMINATE ALL PASSENGERS FOR THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE''
Did you hear about the scam artist born with only one testicle? The doctors say it's a congenital defect.
Was very disappointed when I went into a German restaurant and asked for their best but they served me their wurst
3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister? ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.
No job is free, even the blowjob!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
"GET A TREE" - what I just yelled at two squirrels doing it on my lawn
It would be rather appropriate to die during sex. We come *into* this world naked and screaming...
I'd totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren't really a tangible physical manifestation.....
FB sent me a notification. It said my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
What do you call a parent named Lee? Apparently
Are you an old person? Because I would love to give you a stroke!
what kind of cookies do atoms eat? Fig neutrons
Thanks for increasing the value of my asset over time. I really appreciate it.
You and a friend Jack go horse back riding. Jack is short and cannot get off his Horse. Would You help Jack Off His Horse!!??
Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past... One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."
Saw a personalized license plate that read "DADSROD". That is a phrase I could have gone my whole life without thinking about.
Okay so I know this one joke which might be a bit offensive. Cracked me up though What's great about fucking 22 year olds'?
I Went To The Zoo Yesterday The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih-Tzu.
Your mama's so poor When god created light she was already two months behind on her bill.
You know why Santa has so big balls? He only comes ones a year.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My dick was once in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me to take it out.
I suffer from an unusual obsessive compulsive disorder, CDO I have to write acronyms in alphabetical order
What do you get if you play a country music song backwards? You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...
I told my wife she would look pretty bald if she were bald.
Who makes more money - a drug dealer or a prostitute? The prostitute- she can wash her crack and resell it.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
What did the Leper say to the Prostitute? "You can keep the tip."
Why is it hard to sleep at night and easy during day
If your ringtone is a Black Eyed Peas song you have 4 seconds to answer before the entire office throws their stapler at you.
Road painters are not the kind of friends you should be around... They do lines all day.
How many ears does Captain Picard have? A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.
What happens when you don't serve drinks at a party? There's no punch line.
how many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three, the right ear, the left ear and the final frontier
Two black men are in a car. Who's driving? The policeman.
How to end world hunger ? By letting the hungry die.
What does every woman have in her panties? A career.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you......Fourty seven times.
If a furry says they're sorry... ...is it an anthropology?
Why did two ferrets decide to meet? They were trying to start a business.
No kid, you don't have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
What do you call a sarcastic mountain chain? The Kappalachians.
Why do moths fly with their legs spread? Have you ever seen the size of mothballs?
"I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this." -me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I'll try shouting
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it's like there's just no reward for laziness.
Why didn't the drummer commit the crime? He couldn't handle the repercussions.
What script did the man with the longest penis get tattooed on his dick? TL;DR.
What happens when a vampire drinks too much? They get a fangover.
Why did the T-Rex's girlfriend leave him? Because he said he only loved her this much (hold out t-rex like arms) Sorry this one requires a bit of a visual, but I thought you guys might like it
I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Male secretary : "Feel free to use my  dictaphone." New blonde employee : "No thanks I'll just use my finger like everyone else."
What was the cat painting A self pawtrait.
What does black people and Deutsche Mark have in common? Both are outdated currency.
A psychic sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He says "You're about to jump from Empire State Building tomorrow."
I've requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
THERAPIST: how do you feel ME: with my hands THERAPIST: no, like on the inside ME: ohhh...idk probably kinda squishy and weird
Dead Babies I hate it when I'm driving out of my garage and my next door neighbour's son stands on my way and I run over him by accident and I have to bury him in my backyard. #FuckGrammar
Did you here about the scientist who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.
When people say they want to adopt a puppy, I wonder if it's because they can't have puppies of their own.
My girl always tells me "Life is about the little things", but I just hate when she talks about her Ex.
"I want to drink but not have a good time. One Bud Light, please."
How did Rihanna know Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found the other girls lipstick on his knuckles.
Imagine if Batman accidentally dropped that atom bomb on the bus full of orphans, then looked at the camera & made the Jim Halpert face.
Give a man a cheeseburger, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as fuck.
I used to have dreams... then I became an insomniac
What kind of cheese can be used to build a structure? Cottage cheese.
My teacher touched me Seriously, his lecture was fantastic
What's the difference between shame and pride? It depends on where I draw the line.
I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
What's the key to a Pirate Opera? The High Cs
So a man buying stolen goods gets caught, and is given one phone call, who does he call? His de-fence attorney!
Without depression what would white people do for a personality
What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, Man.
Welcome to the punctuation store, where we serve all your daily punctuating needs! https://sites.google.com/site/thepunctuationstore/
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.
A hoes favorite line is, Don't judge me, you don't know what I been thru'.....Yeah I do, a lot of d*ck.
BEANS &amp; ONIONS Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions? A: Tear gas.
Why should you never drink German beer with Chinese food? An hour later you're hungry for power.
How did the Ethiopian escape prison? He squeezed through the bars.
Did you hear the theme song for new Lego Blade Runner? Everyone's a replicant!!! Everything is cool when nobody's real!
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian!
Why is Oliver North like Kraang? They both love using the shredder.
Q: What do you call a frog with seven legs? A: A seven-legged frog.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Chameleon wife: "Does my bum look big in this dress?" Chameleon husband: "What dress? Where are you?"
What do you call a prison for gays? Prism
Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
[NSFW] Never look down on someone Unless you're getting head
if carrots could get you drunk.... rabbits would be fucked up.
Two guys walk into a bar... Two guys walk into a bar near the optometrist, but the third one already got his glasses, so he's fine.
A scientist drops a pig and a flashlight from a 20 storey building He watches as both hit the ground at the same time. With this he concluded pigs move at the speed of light.
Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?
Where does the CIA buy its groceries? Whole Foods
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a tree A porcupine
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks. Nine months if things go really wrong.
hate these fake "breakfast lovers" who say they love breakfast but then later in the afternoon you see them sneakin a lunch
Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown? AI (Artificial Intelligence)
How did the two Irish gay guys know they were meant for each other? Their names are Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
How many contortionists fit in the trunk of a regular sedan? Depends on the size of the pieces.
What do you call a crazy professor? an academia nut
Miley Cyrus was recently found dead at a construction site. Her autopsy revealed her death came in like a wrecking ball.
For The Musicians: What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull? On a bull, the horns are at the front, and the ass hole is at the back.
"dad, what does extravagant mean?" idk son. why don't you ... [i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace] ask your mother
I tear the plastic off of dry cleaning with the same intensity Hulk Hogan ripped off his tiny yellow tanktops.
My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away. That's a bit far-fetched
Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."
What do you call... What do you call it when a person in a wheelchair tries to get through a non-automatic door? A tard time
What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? - Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years? Pete.
just ran into my high school biology teacher. she said "i figured you'd have cured cancer by now." then i washed bird shit off her tahoe
I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.
I saw a Nun with her clothes inside-out today... I asked her about it, and she said it was *a bad habit of hers*
I sexually identify as a counter strike. I find this globally offensive.
Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer? General Mills
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ?? Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
What do you call a girl that can suck a lemon through a garden hose? Sweethaert. (an old one but still very very good)
What do 8 hobbits make? A hobbyte.
What is the difference between being hungry and horny? What she means by "eat out."
Bus stop A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg is waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up. The driver opens the door and says, "Eye eye eye, you look armless enough, hop on!"
[guy in charge of naming superheroes] Superman, next Batman, next Wonder Woman, next Aquaman, next *takes a hit of acid* Green Lantern
[At the register] "Find everything ok?" "No I figured I'd get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again."
yo mamma is so stupid that when tomsterley walked out of his house wearing gay clothing she thought he was a yeti
There was an orgy at the camp site last night... ... it was fucking in tents. I'll show myself out...
What did Hannibal Lecter say when he met a sexy Black Panther at a cannibal convention? I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers.
My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone.
My wife and I were shopping the other day, she said she needed a new pillow. I said "That's a big decision, you should sleep on it."
Damn girl, are you sandpaper? Because I want you to rub my wood.
Why did Bibi Netanyahu lie on a couch licking his balls? Likud.
Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in the store!
Did you hear about the dyslexic science teacher? He was teaching the Law of Conversation.
I think my baby might be gay He cries when I take the pacifier out of his butt
Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons? *reason #42 why I can't fall asleep
My bf asked me to act like a "naughty school girl" for him so I forged a note from my mom saying I don't have to participate.
Q: How many DP's does it take to  screw in a light bulb? A: Just one if he's got a good crew to do it.
Why doesn't San Antonio have a pro football team? Because then Dallas would want one too.
I'm married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.
Two Drums and a Cymbal fall off a ledge... ba-dum chsh!
My voicemail message is a 20 second recording of me sighing.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my Pants"?... "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into a truck full of French bread? He's in a lot of pain now.
*answers phone call from boss* I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
How do you summon a wizard taxi? CABRACADABRA!
There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home
If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...
Why was the neighbor mad at the Mars rover speeding around her neighborhood? Because Curiosity killed her cat
I can turn wine into a one night stand. Your move Jesus.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A hoarse horse.
What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j
Why did the hovering guitarist always look worried? He was always fretting over something or other...
What's denser than a feminist? Water. . . . . Water is denser than fat
"It's good but it's not right." Roy Walker having sex with a corpse.
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he is married.
I'd like to thank /r/TwoXChromosomes... ...for reminding that I'm not logged into my account.
I like watching horror films hiding behind he sofa That way, my neighbors don't know I'm there Credit to Jim Carr
Bully: "Hey, four eyes!" Me: "Don't you mean... fork eyes?" [Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]
Testicular cancer joke? Testicular Cancer Society: Hi there, did you receive our email? Me: No... why? Testicular Cancer Society: Maybe you should check your junk.
Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.
What do you call... a dog with no back legs and steel testicles....... Sparky.
When I wake up every morning, things always go well. I'm like the optimistic amputee who always starts his day off on the right foot.
A blind man walks into a bar... And a table. And a chair.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I'm pretty sure Jesus was Italian Because only an Italian mother could think her son was a god. And only an Italian son could think his mother was a virgin.
Dark humor is like food in North Korea Not everyone gets it.
What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
A Date joke When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What would it be like to have world with out women?? It would be a real pain in the ass
We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons
Did you hear about the Mathematicians Gentleman's Club? They were famous for their signature dance: the Mobius Strip
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg
Why did Mr. Clinton want to become President? Because it pays the bills.
Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
Every cab ride for me is 75% fake laughter.
There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect
A friend got some vinegar in his ear now he  suffers from pickled hearing.
According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, "I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."
So did you hear about the Angry composer? Apparently, he had a few scores to settle.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter he's not coming anyways.
How does every racist joke start? With looking over your shoulder.
Did you hear about the pessimistic man who was missing a chromosome? He was a real downer.
So. I'm gonna tell you guys a little about my sex life.
Rude joke I was taken the dog for a walk in the graveyard and seen a bloke bent down behind a tombstone, so respectfully I said "morning" He replied "no, taking a shit"
My friend just landed a boob job the perks are great
What did the decorators say when they went to church? "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Have you seen  www.shelterfromtherain.com? Yes but it doesn't really stand out.
I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn't a teen mom. Because that child would not be OK today.
Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain  today. Patron: Yes it does but it smells like soup.
What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked? He couldn't think of anything, and said "I'll mullet over"
Have you ever been hit repeatedly by a wave? It hertz a lot
At last, a herb related joke It's about thyme
Guess who won't be winning world cup this year? Brazil.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter &amp; jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it
Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. Or going to a 7am meeting where my client will ream my ass and I'll just suck up to him. Whatever.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
What do you call a phallic music scale, crushed under a piano? D-flat
Cow jokes What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milkshake What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef What do you call a cow with 3 legs? lean beef
What do you call a dog with no legs? A log
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb? well many how???
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It's scary down there.
I gave up on my growing list of optometry jokes They just kept getting cornea
My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip. I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.
your dirty mind " Give it to me" she yelled, "i am so fucking wet, give it to me now" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread? He felt pain.
Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle are horrible tippers. They rarely leave 10%, even for adequate service.
"What attracted you to our company?" Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My doctor went to write me a prescription for my heart meds. He pulled out a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and said "Shit, some asshole has my pen!"
My 'Mom Voice' was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I have $5,000,000 in one pocket and $2,000,000 in the other. What do I have? Someone else's pants.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.
Did you hear about the blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They were waiting for "Closed For The Winter" to start.
Im starting to see the bright side of being single.. ..If I tip the bottle towards the ceiling, light shines right through the Vodka. Facinating
It's inspiring today to see so many voters researching and learning about an important issue they voted on yesterday
Hey Seattle, wanna win the Superbowl? "No thanks, we'll pass"
When I'm in a room full of toddlers, I can't help but scan it for potential serial killers
No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.
What does Sonic the Hedgehog wear when he goes to the beach? A speedo
What's the worst question you can ask a blind date? "So.. you seeing anyone?"
Tonight's Democratic debate
All the king's horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My friend is obsessed with navy destroyers He warships them.
In life, as in sex, my personal preference has always been to ignore the asshole
Got pulled over by a cop, asking me if I knew how fast I was going No, I said - the speedometer only goes up to 240 km/h
Why does Donald Trump take Zanax? For Hispanic attacks.
A man is traveling to the coast of South Western Asia, and he asks his friend if she wants to go with him. She says: "Yemen, shore."
What do you call a canadian girl that can not sing? Justin Bieber
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I consider anything that doesn't fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs. I'll be in my lab
ME: This man's robbing me COP: No he's not M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now
What do you get when you cross a fish with no eyes? PETA
A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs or 5 Tinder matches...
"Why the fuck are you so fat?" I eat too much pussy.
My son came into the room and said there was a man knocking the door with a beard. That's probably why I didn't hear him.
It's not a great nap, unless you wake up and can't remember what day it is.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you're talking shit about them.
I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I asked a friend from North Korea "how is it living there?" He can't complain.
Why does ISIS wear condoms when they have sex? So they can fuck two goats at once!
How do you upset a plumber? Kidnap his princess.
I think you scientists did a great job of making old people's d-i-c-k-s hard. How 'bout you guys take a look at cancer and  stuff now.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob
I used to be indecisive... Now I'm not so sure...
You have no idea how hard it is to find a greeting card for your wife that says, "I don't remember where I left the baby."
Why did the Chihuahua put on a jacket? Because it was a chili dog!
LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
Man comes home to find his wife in bed with another man. The husband came back with a gun and shot the man in bed. The wife replied "this is why you don't have anymore friends."
About 1,503 people died from the titanic disaster. Just let that sink in.
*boss walks in Me: I lost my contact Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk? Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave
What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak
Q: Why was the lobster arrested? A: Because he was always pinching things.
What do you call 100 blacks buried up to their necks? Afroturf.
I just passed my drug test my dealer has some explaining to do
Twat did you say? I cunt hear you - scum again.
My Username
Obama : The people are worried Hillary is not focused.... How is her head currently??? Bill Clinton: Well she's no Monica... But she's good.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in school? He just woke up!
I knew an amateur boxer with a coke habit. He kept his stash in his headgear because he thought it would soften the blow.
Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped police custody? Be on the lookout for a small medium at large.
It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some the people all of the time; but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
What do spam emails and porn have in common? They both make me insecure about my penis.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
When it comes to sex, when is a man the smartest? Before, during or after sex? During. Because your plugged into a "know it all."
If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country. Not a political repost I'm just getting deported
Hipsters came before the chicken and the egg.
Why was the Narwhal kicked off the volleyball team? He was always spiking the ball.
In dog beers, I've only had one ...
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
There's a new wheelchair party forming But it doesn't really stand for anything. (At least it'll always have a spokes person)
"Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo", I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to "remove pizza from box before consumption".
BEAUTY TIP: avoid unsightly wrinkles by being a sociopath who is incapable of feeling genuine emotions
What is the Taliban's Favorite Holiday Footwear? What is the Taliban's favorite holiday footwear? Missile Toe! Source: My brother on the way home from subway.
I like my women like I like my drinks... cheap and full of alcohol
My girlfriend is like a goddess... My friends and family don't believe she exists.
Justin Bieber Comedy Roast - 10 Meanest Jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross a pond and a stream? A: Wet feet.
Did you hear about the blond who got hurt while raking leaves? she fell off the tree.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuckup cunts
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you're about to throw yourself at me.
I met this cute Inuit girl but I didn't know what to say, so I just said something funny. It was an icebreaker joke.
What's Gordon Ramsay's favourite movie? It's still fucking Frozen!!!
Balls... What do you call it when your balls are in the street? It's Cul de sac!
A friend sent me a gif of LA traffic Took me about a day to realise it was a pic. (based on a submission on reddit some time ago) Also, this joke is shit, i get that.
UHD TVs are going to be obsoleted next year by the new standard: DBZ It has a a vertical resolution that is over 9000.
Don't use asian prostitutes you'll just be horny again in an hour
I'm not happy about my girlfriends one night stand. I'd really like somewhere to put my phone and spare change when we go to bed.
You might have heard about the Chevy Camaro IROC, but do you know what IROC stands for? Italian retard out cruising.
How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a bad joke teller? To get to the other side!
The problem with political jokes is.. Too many get elected.
Baby, give me that couch.. .. cause I need some sectional healing!
Call out to CAN_ZIGZAG: what do they call it when a mechanic frees up a stuck gearshift? Manumission
What do you call a female Hitler? [This post has been deleted]
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: only the inner light matters.
My ex-wife accused me of being a crossdresser... So I packed her things and left
My cremated aunt used to give great advice. She always told me that you have to urn your place in life.
"I'm going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me."- Damned dog.... Could've been me though.
What happened when the chicken ate cement ? She laid a sidewalk !
How do you spell Canada in Canadian? C EH N EH D EH
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.
How do you turn a fox into a cow? Marry them
A Man to a lady sitting next to him in flight. Man: "Which perfume do you use ? It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the jews? Harry survived the chamber.
Not a gardener per se.... but I've been known to use hoes occasionally.
Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a  man say? A: Her tits are just too big.
Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.
My girl friend wanted a nose job... So I tried. But her nostrils weren't big enough.
I slept with every girl on my soccer team... I think I'm a team player ...sorry I'll leave now :/
Went out to dinner with a cannibal last night.. It cost me an arm and a leg
December 1 is the biggest day in the plumbing business as millions of ill-prepared men shave their mustaches over a sink
Life would be so much better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout your day.
My buddy's phone autocorrected "wife" to "wide" and now he's living in my garage.
What game do Anti-Vaxxer's kids play in the pool? Marco Polio
ACHOO! Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
There are 5 flies in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy? The one on the range.
The Pope is resigning... They say he's hearing imaginary voices from the sky.... and he also wants to retire.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
There was a boy who lived down my street who always got concussions! He lived just a stone throw away.
There's a Black man and a Hispanic man in a car who's driving? The cops.
[Nsfw] So I went to this convention for women who had lost their legs... The place was crawling with pussy.
Whats hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before.... A Key
What do you call a droid that always takes the longest route? R2 Detour.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE! Crook:Ok *crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil* Lawyer: it's too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
It's rude to ask probing questions . . . doubly so to alien abductees.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
[having daughter's new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner] so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
What did Amy Winehouse have in common with the Ghostbusters? They both downed spirits.
I decided to make a new logo for /r/jokes  you like it?
The moral of Little Red Riding Hood is: 1) Never trust strangers; 2) Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human.
Is Pepsi ok? *I pull out my phone and send a text* *2 hours pass* *an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger* No it is not
A man walks into a restaurant and asks, "You got any spare ribs?" The owner says, "Nope. I need all of mine."
Wanted: A pack of Polo's, Unopened. In Mint condition
The guys and I are heading into town. Gonna hit a few bars, a strip club, and then, MAYBE... ...the Museum.
A joke without brevity Is just a long explanation of something that's funny
If Reza from the show "Shah's of Sunset" wrote a book... Would he call it, "Memoirs of a Gay Shah?"
What do you call a guy with 15 rabbits up his arse? Warren.
Whats the difference between the government and a stripper? Strippers don't rig their polls.
Just spoke to my mom. Unrelated: Anyone want to have unprotected anal?
Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*
Watching my kids play the Xbox Kinect and it's taking me back to when I was a kid and we had this great game called playing outside.
Whats the difference between catholic priests and acne? One doesn't come on your face until your at least 13
"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?" "Not this guy!" -Thumb amputee victim
*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine* "Hold tight son...WAIT! If u are here then.." *son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what's wrong with me.
How easy is it to get stoned in Amsterdam? It's a piece of cake.
Why didn't the rabbit want to mate outside? Because it was Frigid
Finally figured out why even smart people fall for click bait...
The Top Three things for Halloween you can do now in North Carolina: #3 Swim with the sharks, #2 Have an account on Ashley Madison, #1 riding a street car in Charlotte NC.
I'm optimistic. My life is only half full of shit.
Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.
Fucking kids these days is not an appropriate answer to "what have you been up too"
Why did the little pig try to join the Navy?  He loved to sing "Oinkers Aweight"
That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts
How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One, if no one's looking.
Knock Knock Who's there?
I'm an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I'm off to buy a 3-D printer. Which I'll use to make another 3-D printer. Then return the first one.
How do you catch a red elephant? With a red elephant trap.
What's the difference between a stadium full of Dallas Cowboys fans, and 90,000 buckets of shit? 90,000 buckets.
JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences [60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated] COP: This baby camel is under arrest
Say what you want about North Korea, but... something something /r/Pyongyang
Her: You need to text faster Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago
What's the difference between a dirty bus-stop and a Lobster with boobs? one is a Crusty bus station, and the other is a Busty Crustacean!
What is so good about dead baby jokes? They never get old
Sean Connery's New Job Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish" Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket"
Why are cell phones like a dog's nipples? You don't have to shout into them.
I got fired from the orange juice factory. I couldn't concentrate.
What is a male porn actor's favorite one hit wonder song? Come on Eileen.
I received a request to go and fix a broken handle on a window. It turned out to be a crank call.
Why didn't the cellphone attend the wedding? He heard the reception was going to be terrible...
How does the female reproductive system like to order its eggs? Ovaries-y
Her heart was in the right place.. In her chest to the left
What do you do to turn off sexy Jenny? "It may not be long, but it sure is skinny"
A woman with an abnormally hyperactive sex drive is called a nymphomaniac. A man with the same condition is called a man
I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat I got a divorce.
"Doctor, how bad is it?" "I mean, you're just not a great singer. I don't know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is."
The oldest living pirate turned 80 today and had this to say. AYE MATEY!
Why did Ms. piggy call in sick to work? Because she had a frog in her throat.
who wore it better: Russell Brand or Steven Tyler's microphone stand
What's black and white and being milked tonight? Michael brown's death
Manny Pacquiao says he would accept a rematch with Floyd Mayweather. "Yes, I will allow you to pay me another $100 million," he told sources
What do you call a bunch of black people in a pile of leaves? Raisin Bran
Why was Linda so mad on her wedding day? Her soon to be husband forgot how to groom.
[Dog Court] Judge: How do you find the defendant? Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy. *dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Do you know who Candice is?? Candice who?? Candice dick fit in your mouth??
Bank of America is halting foreclosures in all 50 states as part of an investigation into why 7 people in the U.S. still have homes.
What do KFC and Tumblr have in common? Transfats
How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.
"Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?" ...uhhhh, for driving in space?
A man comes home to his wife "honey," he says, "pack your bags. I just won the lottery!" "That's amazing! What should I pack?" "I don't care. Just pack your bags and get the fuck out of here."
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
What do you call a charitable cookie container? A good samoa-tin
My first wife was a great housekeeper. She kept both houses
How do you make a butterfly ? Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife !
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like "thank God it Friday!" or "Im pregnant of baby"
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark!
Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang
Masturbation Just got back from competing in the Blindfolded Masturbation World Championship No idea where I came.
I dare McDonald's to introduce a black Hamburglar. I McDouble dare them.
The first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken's ass and ate it must have been really fucking hungry.
Taking my dog to the park is the same as my checking Reddit... We check out all the posts and piss on half of them.
Who were the first people not to read the apple ToC? Adam and Eve
Today i was woken up with a blowjob.. i will never fall asleep with my mouth open anymore.
When Harry Potter ejaculates, it's HP sauce For those who don't know, [HP sauce](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HP_Sauce) is a brown sauce sold in the UK.
That's not what he meant!
I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, and Real shit.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
How do you cure the hiccups? Dunk your head in a bucket of water and pull it out twice.
Just a hipster joke passing by... Why did the hipster burn his hand? Because he touched the heater before it was cool.
Dat test though Almost gets a 100% on a test, a STD test.....
Japan's economy crashed in the 90s because their housing bubble was so bad, the Imperial Palace was worth all the land in California. I *wish* houses out here could still be that cheap!
Where does Santa stash his money? In a snowbank.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Job Interview : "What is your great weakness?" - Honesty - I don't think that honesty is a weakness - i don't give a shit what you think !
If I had $1 every time somebody called me a racist... Black people would rob me!
Breaking up with a Japanese girl is the worst... you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
 My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
I hate putting my clothes in the washing machine... they always seem so agitated when I take them out.
What did the Apple Phone designer do when he got home? Jack off
I called the rape advice hotline.... .... but they said it was only for victims
Jared likes his subs like he likes his kids. 6 and 12.
What is grey and comes in pints? An elephant!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it's not a disorder.
London Joke Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction? Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.
I bet rapists can get their straw in a Capri Sun on the first try.
What's the difference between crime and cybercrime? At the moment this joke.
Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...
"I'd pap that." - Gynecolgist
The difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bathtub? one has hope in her soul.
Why did the chicken have a seance? To get to the other side
a tv show where a group of friends just text each other but never hang out
If cavemen had Twitter we would still not have fire.
How does clickbait work? Just grab this electrical cable. Then what happens? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU!!!!!
[consoling grieving widow] so I guess you'll be looking for a new owner for his pokemon collection?
Texas. Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My friend told me to stop speaking in numbers... but I didn't 1 2.
Making a frisbee out of bread. Let's see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!
What did the evergreen tree say to it's love interest? "Oh, how I pine for you!"
I'm certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
I wanted to get a tan... So I bought a calculator.
A hurricane is like a woman. When they come, they are wet, crazy, and wild. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
What's the difference between Bill and Hillary Clinton? One wants their aides to keep their mouth closed, the other wants them to keep their mouth open.
Did you hear about the Chinese man who was arrested for sodomizing a 9-year-old? His name was Yung Bu Ti.
"It's not you, it's me. " - twins looking at family photos
I told my son I was an early adopter. He asked, what tech? Then it got weird.
I want you to fu.. this rusty pipe . FTW ??
I won 5th place in the swimming competition! There were only 5 of us.
What's often on the end of a man's genitals? His hand.
A skeleton walks into a bar... He orders one beer and a mop.
Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? A: She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.
Why did the hippie stick his penis in the chick peas? Because he was a hummusexual...
Interviewer: says here you're a sniper Me [opening gun case]: affirmative Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.
I only want to make enough money so that I don't ever have to know how anything works
What's the difference between a garbonzo bean and a Russian chick pea? Trump never paid money to see a garbonzo bean!
McDonald's is coming out with a Michael Jackson burger... ...it's a 40 year-old piece of meat sandwiched in between two eight year-old buns.
Best response by a nursing home patient ever. I asked my patient, "how ya feelin today"? He whispers while still half asleep, "with my fingers."
I'm the best at procrastinating.. Or the worst. Maybe I'll decide tomorrow
My brother got his will tattooed on his dick.... ....but it didn't stand up in court
Women are like pianos... if they're not upright, they're grand.
MAD TOILET - that is HILARIOUS ! :D :D Extremely funny and positive Android Game :D :D https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=game.mibejo.madtoilet
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name's day Your Holiness! - Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict? - Bishop: It is the 16th, though.
Canadian Joke: How was Terry Fox like Hitler? He couldn't finish a race either.
[writing my first autopsy report] There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Others change, but you should be yourself! said one corn to another in the digestive tract
How do you know if someone grew up in New York City? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
I like my Coffee how i like my women Hot.
Why are Jewish men circumsised? Because Jewish women only touch things 20% off.
How many male chauvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Let the bitch wash the dishes in the dark.
My other calendar is a packet of birth control pills.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing Please, I have a family
Knock Knock Who's there ! Caesar ! Caesar who ? Caesar quickly before she gets away !
Why was the blonde crawling on the ground in the shop? She was trying to find the lowest prices
What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?! Scratching at the inside of her coffin. Courtesy of my dad.
Nigel Farage walks into a bar Convinces the patrons to set it on fire, and then leaves.
Anyone watch story on the news about the corduroy pillows? It's making all the headlines.
Photos: World's tallest man meets world's shortest man
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team? She kept running away from the ball.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
What do computer experts do at weekends? Go for a disk drive.
Why do prostitutes hate hot dogs? Because the vender always forgets to put on CONDOMents. Goddamn, hat joke was bad
How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist? Ask them to pronounce 'unionized.'
Jesus at the Last Supper. Jesus: *breaks bread* - This is my body! *holds a glass of wine* - This is my blood. *starts to open a jar of mayo* Judas: Sorry Jesus, I will have to stop you there.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn't that weird? Her: Not really Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car...DONT TELL ME!. Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Apparently 1 in 8 of us live next door to a pedophile. I certainly don't, I live next door to a gorgeous 9 year old with a cracking ass.
Unexpected sex  that's a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison...
This one's a classic from my childhood: Say the letter "X" ten times fast.  \\_()_/ 
Tried Googling "Missing Medieval Servant" but I kept getting Page Not Found
Medical problems are the #1 cause of death.
What did Elon Musk get after his talk on colonizing Mars? Shit questions.
Why are valley girls so odd? They can't even.
My wife and I got into an argument. And now I'm gonna do these dishes so hard.
Happy to report that I just made People magazine's list of top 100 million people on Twitter.
What is the difference between a black Jew and a white Jew? Black Jews have to sit at the back of the gas chamber.
The doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
what's the difference between a subtraction sign and a feminist a subtraction sign actually makes a difference
[rugby] Looks like Australia was in trouble there for a while... But in the end they got off Scot-free.
6: I'm going outside to play. Me: Stay in your own yard. 6: Define "my own yard" Me: .... have fun. So her mother's child.
A german walks into a library and asks for a book on war The librarian replies "No mate, you'll lose it.
How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony? It's not hard
How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done about the situation and the other one to screw it into the faucet.
Did you hear about the sister who wrote herself a letter and forgot to sign it and when it arrived she didn't know who it was from.
What do you call your wife's sisters husband? An asshole, for marrying the hot sister
Why is everyone always late to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Anonymous meetings? Because they're all tied up, but coming soon.
What's the difference between pedophiles and acne? Acne waits until you're 13.
911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
What would be the name of a rock if she's female? ROCKelle.
ME: (signing) What color are apples? BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
i have learned nothing from everything and will continue to do so with zero responsibility and consequences
My mate went bald ten years ago and he still has his old comb that he used to use . He just cant part with it.
The school year is like a burrito... After 3 quarters you're full but you have to keep going even though it's all falling apart.
Curveball What is black, bitter and dont work worth a damn? . . . . Decaf coffee.
When telling a joke to a German, it's very important to remember the rule of three. They have a very drei sense of humor.
The name's Case... Justin Case.
My doctor said i shouldn't just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can't drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.
"Why don't British people pronounce their T's? Because they're all in the Boston harbor."
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless. "Where are you?" she moaned. "I'm at the pub." I replied. She said, "I think the baby's coming!" I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."
I heard my lawnmower was going on a rampage... It was going on a *grass*acre [Grass acre, grass massacre](#spoiler)
So a rhino walks into a bar... and several patrons pay their tabs and leave because they see the danger in this situation.
I just flew in from the gender neutrality conference.... And boy or girl are my arms tired
What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.
Why did the monster dye her hair yellow? To see if blondes have more fun.
#NAME?
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
[Airport security supervillain screening] AGENT: Spell 'haha' ME: OK, 'M',-- AGENT: ur under arrest
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Whag did one cat say to the other? Meow
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
What do you call a British guy who throws a spear through the knee? Britney Spears
McDonalds started selling a hotdog called a McJagger. It's mostly lips and a little bit of asshole.
Loving someone and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift and not giving it.
"Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha" [i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] "Actually it's lasagna"
What do US Jews call Santa? Sennah.
Why are hurricanes named with female names? Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.
all of my friends are really happy and successful. i have no clean forks so i cut up a hot dog with my debit card
I heard someone say a guy on TV "oozes sexiness." I don't think oozing is very sexy at all. If something oozes, it's probably infected.
It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."
My favorite alcoholic drink is probably sleep.
Uno and mexican :/ Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? Because they steal all the green cards.
We don't have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars. ...I'll see myself out.
My girlfriend stormed into the room. "Why is there lipstick on your collar?" she yelled. "It's part of the design," I said, opening up my wardrobe, "Look, I have the entire collection."
A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?" "Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.
Ever heard of the movie "Constipation"? Nope. --- That's because it hasn't come out yet.
Don't you hate when someone without kids tells you how to parent? I think I know how much alcohol my kids can handle.
What did the bunny ask his boss for? A raise in *celery*.
My wife said she just seen 3 rocks running up the street! Boulderdash.
How to make holy water You shake the hell out of it.
As a male college student, the only thing that's disappearing faster than my money... is my Kleenex.
A woman got wooden breast implants today. This joke would be funny if it had a punchline, wooden tit?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you're thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Thought up a reddit joke today. When is a triangle a rectangle? When it fails
Q: How is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? A: If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
"Asphyxiate' would be worth like a million points..." I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Why can't you trick an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday
How do polish people show gratitude? They say thansk.
Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.
pls explain this joke: "For a good time, call (415) 642-9483"
Easily the best knock knock joke for a Dad. Dad: Say Knock knock Son: Knock Knock Dad: Whose there? Son:...
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine.
What's a nymphomaniac cook's least favourite ingredient? Italian dressing
Hey girl are you a legendary sea monster? 'Cause you have Kraken tits
She'll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. - Mountain bragging.
A man walks into a grocery store. Asks for a pound of tomatoes. The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here." The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then."
I became a bisexual when I got married. I get sex twice a year whether I want it or not.
Don't send an email if you're angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.
The Millionaire by Ivor Fortune
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
New information has come into my possession that reveals a significant percentage of you are full of shit.
Q. Why was the blonde in the tree? A. Because she was raking up the leaves!
So a woman was facing a judge in court... She was on trial for beating her husband with his guitar collection. The judge then says "First offender?" She says "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
The best way to get taken seriously... ...is to be related to Liam Neeson.
If your building doesn't have an elevator and you don't live on the first floor, we can't date. I'm looking for a relationship, not a gym.
Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY
I see your sister's sick burn and raise you mine. "If you're gonna be a dick, wear a condom over your head." She's 9.
Why wouldn't the snake go on the weighing maching ? Because he had his own scales !
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Do you know the between a garbanzo and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo on my chest
What is the difference Between a santa and a jew? Santa enters the chimney and jew leaves the chimney.
[hanging out w mob] "Tony sleeps with the fishes" *they all laugh* [self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys
She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight? Me: But darling i'm a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?
I found my first white hair on my head ... I'm gonna name him Gentrification. I'm so sorry.
I am Harvard Law graduate and interim CEO of reddit Ellen Pao. AMA
At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go!
Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I've reached the age where if I see a wet T-shirt contest, I worry the girls might catch cold.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out.
What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino? 'Ell if I know
How can you tell that pirates hid the communist manifesto Because an "X" Marx the spot
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions. I'd be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Why we don't give food to cannibals.. ..because they know how to feed for themselves.
Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis.
Trump says the biggest threat to the world is a "manic, mad man" having control of nuclear weapons
My financial situation is so bad, I'M being sponsored by a child in Africa
"honey why is our water bill so high?" *water bill sits there holding a bong* hahahah duuuude i don't know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If your an American before you go in the bathroom and your an American when you come out, what are you when you are in the bathroom? European
Co-worker: "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's yours to k.." Me - "THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE."
What do you call some one with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? About halfway
What do you call a gay hipster? A douchefag.
*whispering to my newborn son* weed is tight. im siked for u to try it son. im so excited for you. i love you
I want to glisten like a Budweiser beer and attract men, but here I am sweating casually for no one.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves Yoga instructor: True Nutritionist: So wise Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
They should have an Academy Award for "Most Acting."
A masochist and a sadist are doing their thing... The masochist says: "Hit me" and the sadist answers: "no..."
You wanna hear a disappointing joke with an anticlimactic punchline? Okay.
Where do the most murders occurr in a super market? The cereal aisle
What did the volcano say to the other volcano? Do you lava me like I lava you?
Pam: You blew me off for Katya, the big-titted cyborg! Little Miss...uhh... Archer: R2-"Double-D"-2?
How can you tell if a fat chick is pregnant? You can't.
Free Tibet with the purchase of a Tibet of equal or lesser value.
uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth. Yea how do u like them apples Mouth Boy. How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene
How to open a letter: 1. Carefully remove seal 2. Slide your finger unde--okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
"How often do you floss?" Every day "How often do you lie?" Every six months
Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot.
What's the difference between an epileptic cornhusker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic cornhusker shucks between fits.
good prank: sneak into someone's house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
You had me at being a woman.
Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it is two tired.
I want some Chuck Norris jokes! Something like: *Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.* or *Jesus may be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.*
What do girlfriends and sperm have in common? They both always seem to end up in your clothes
What did Bobby Mcferrin say to his beer? Don't worry, be hoppy :)
Why'd the British man cross the ocean? Freedom.
Have you ever noticed how funny observational humor is?
What happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.
So two chocolate rabbits were talking to each other... ... One of them had a bite out of his butt and the other with a bite on his ears. So one rabbit says, "My butt hurts" and the other says "What?"
Who does a ghoul fall in love with? His ghoul friend.
I feel like Pitbull is what happens when you give a shift supervisor at Aeropostale a record deal
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
What do the Japanese do when they have an erection? They vote, you lacist.
I can't wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike... My dad was holding me from behind
Why don't poor people go to funerals? They can't afford to pay respects.
What's common between a crying baby and a gun? You must not bring either to the movies.
I'm not surprised the Seahawks chose to pass... Lynch was only there so he wouldn't get fined.
I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'll sleep tonight as well. There's also a pretty good chance I'll take a nap soon.
Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.
Thank god for nipples. Without it, boobs would be pointless.
the girls who tweet their horoscopes every day are the same girls who get drunk and then cry at parties.
What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew? Boy Scouts come home from camp.
"What did George Washington Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays."
America's national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
What are you doing when you Sentence almost a Dozen Surfers to death by the Gallows? You're Hanging Ten, Dudes!
You know what really gets my goat? El chupacabra
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift
Your ignorance might be bliss for you but it's giving those of us with a brain a headache.
Where can I get sweatpants that say "ANXIETY" on the ass?
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Brazilian.
I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them
Being sick sucks. I've laid in bed for days, ate nothing, lost 4 pounds, didn't go to work and slept nonstop. Wait. Being sick is AWESOME!
I like to write "Wake Up" on my To-Do list so I can start the day off accomplishing something.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!". Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
Adam &amp; Eve What did Adam say to Eve when She Threatened to Leave him? "Can I Have My Rib Back?"
What happens when you leave 50 lesbians and 50 lawyers in a room? You end up with 100 people who don't do dick
We saw a sign yesterday that said... No wonder your muffler is tired. It's EXHAUSTED !!!
Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.
Why did Lt. Lenk and Sgt. Colborn cross the road? To put the bones on the other side.
Surveyor: This house is a ruin. I wonder  what stops it from falling down. Owner: I think the woodworm are holding hands.
Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver? She was a woman.
Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers.
What's the best way to knock out a dog? with a woofie.
Is Google male or female? Female because she won't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion
Why do 19th century dancers repeat the last word in their sentences? Because they cancan.
What do we want...? "LOW FLYING AIRPLANES!" When do we want it? "NEEEEOOOOOOOOOOW"
What's the difference between a baby and a salad? Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
Me: "I'd like to pay by card." Waiter: "Contactless?" Me: "No, you can cuddle me."
I made a movie about freezing time I showed it to some people, but they thought it was just a picture. It's 3 hours and 27 minutes long...if you don't pause
I went to a shredded cheese convention the other day... it was grate
Why is Russia such a gassy country? Because their leader has been Putin for a long time.
If you are looking for a way to describe olive oil, how about "yellow and you can't drink it"
why do women wear makeup and perfume? They are ugly and they smell bad.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My last gf was so Mexican... that I needed a glass of milk to toss her salad.
Traveling through Italy I spent hundreds of Euros on pasta. (Pun) It was worth every Penne.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead ? I didn't even know he was sick !
"This is not working out." -My trainer, watching me work out
If only they had and Olympic event for Facebook, my FB friend would win Gold everytime in the Drama event.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A can't see-creature.
Grandma, stop asking people what they're supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My superpower is understanding iPhone text typos.
What did the set-up say to the punchline? You're nothing but a joke.
My wife left me *sobs uncontrollably*
Interesting that on Opposite Day you cannot declare that it is so.
What did one rifle say to the other? Me llamo es 762
I'm writinig a book.... It's called *""Pop goes the hamster" and other great microwave games"*
How do you take a pig to hospital? By hambulance!
Know why I won't have two pet rocks? 'Cause I ain't raising no pebbles! .. Idk, my brother told me that years ago and I still think it's clever.
Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for  a cat ? Cats can't drive !
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I'm definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, "Lets find something for mature skin." And then Security had to escort me.
What do you get when you kiss a bird? Chirpies. It's a Canarial Disease. It's Untweetable!
What should you do when your ex-girlfriend stands in the spotlights? Drive faster.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Gay horses What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!
WHAT DO YOU THINK???? If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can't ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Woman of my dreams My wife asked this morning, "How come you don't wake up with an erection?" I replied, "Because you're the woman of my dreams."
Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history? Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president
If you can read but still watch the Kardashians please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.
Searching for porn gifs... Results be like, "oh my go..." "oh my go..." "oh my go..." "oh my go..."
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
How can you make a moth ball ? Hit it with a fly swatter.
why aren't there any Mexican athletes? Because all the Mexicans who can run, swim or jump are already in the USA.
Coming Out Girl: Dad Dad: yeah? Girl; I have Bad News Dad: What Is It Sweetie?? Girl: I'm A Lesbian... Dad: Ok... Other Sister: I'm Lesbian Too Dad: Does Anyone In This Family Like Boys!!! Son; I Do
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? Beat it, we're closed.
My son was twice as hungry as me. So I only ate a one Na fish sandwich.
Where do poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto.
I like my women like my coffee... ...really hot, and all over my crotch
A Racist, a viciously jealous wife and a socialist walk into a room... Welcome to the US General election debate!
I've been practicing pickup lines for depressed men... Hey baby, can you get your pants lower than my self-esteem?
My favorite part about the debate tonight!!! Was at the end...when it ended...and it was over.
Financial status: Googling "sell kidney"
eer booze and fun!' 'An Indian a Rabbi the Pope an Italian and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says "What is this... some kind of joke?"
My little cousin dropped this one on me: Me: Wow, you must've grown a foot since the last time I saw you! Cosin: Nope, still have two!
How is the retarded basketball player doing? Well, he has his ups and down's.
I wish restaurant food looked like the pictures on the menu. A hostess asked me how everything was. I said, "My compliments to the photographer."
Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
My ship has sailed, now I am waiting for the UFO.
So what DID the reddit admins said to the mods?
My dyslexic brother just did the ice bucket challenge. He keeps asking how this helps people who use American Sign Language.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalatapus
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
FACT: If you don't own a suit, you get to stay in your twenties forever.
I just accidentally put my mic too close to my guitar amp and I think I made a Skrillex song.
Beer makes me less afraid of clowns.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn't pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
A salesman knocked on my door today. "Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour."
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure to be sure
Welcome to The News. Tonight's top story: you know that thing you love? It's terrible and you're terrible. Thanks,
Who called them "priests" instead of "weapons of mass instruction"?
A jumper cable walks into a bar... and the bartender says "I'll serve you but don't start anything"
MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is... this ur card? [holds up card that says "UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP"] ME: holy crap
Harry Potter joke Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate. They're both cauldron.
Why doesn't North Korea's population exponentially grow? Because they must build additional pylons.
Did you ask her out? Yes. And? She only dates guys named Matt. Cause she likes to walk all over them? No, tattoo she can't afford to remove.
How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish
*a friend tells me their problems* me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Why couldn't the apple send an e-mail to  the orange? Because the lime was engaged.
I tried to make a clock with no battery for the digital clock competition but it didn't count.
[Restaurant] "Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?" Yes please "THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN"
I just watched a show about burritos spinning in a circle because my television's broken and my microwave's not.
(SPOILERS) Guess what show I did NOT want to watch after the latest Walking Dead? Bob's Burgers
If we're dating and you call me bae, boo or daddy... I'm walking out on you like, well, your daddy.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
What's better at math than you a retarded Asian April fooly! Gotcha Burn April fooly
What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common? Both had Kurds in their way.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cantaloupe ! Cantaloupe who ? Cantaloupe with you tonight !
My jokes :(
I relate more to "Rice, rice, baby" - because Asian
Did you guys hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? He turned out to be a seasoned veteran.
You're like a fat stump, I'm always falling over you.
What's the most indian bone in the human body? The patella. (I'll show myself out)
DM: I'm 10 inches. Wanna chat? Me: omg guys, a fetus just messaged me!!
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he's slept with
Hitler has heard that the Americans have liberated Normandy Hitler: It's over Eva. Everything's a disaster. We might as well call this Disaster Day. Eva: Why not just call it D-Day?
When going to a furry convention... Everyone is game.
Confucius Say Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
The Internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers
What did the hungry computer programmer say? All I want is one byte. Hell, I'll even take a nibble.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see Gregory Peck.
Monopoly I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.
Knock Knock Knock knock Who's there? A man with short-term memory problems. A man with short-term memory problems who? Knock knock
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think, 'I'll fucking have that!'
Why are men afraid of the world? They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.
A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."
Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.
9: Mom! Where's my Spiderman costume? I want to wear it to the science museum "In your closet, why?" 9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!
What's the best part of having kids? Making them.
If you're on the exercise bike in front of mine, I'm sorry, but we are spies, and I am frantically chasing you through the streets of Italy.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
The declawed cats that I feel most sorry for are the ones that want to play scratch off lottery tickets.
Tired of my wife saying I have no feelings. Do I not cry if you turn off Football? Do I not pout when I can't find good porn? I have layers.
Knock Knock Who's there ! B-4 ! B-4 who ? B-4 I freeze to death please open this door !
Forget Netflix and Chill. It's time for IMAX and Climax!
I think church and state separated because church is a gold digging slut.
Is it so wrong to bang on your neighbor's door at 2am and ask them to reset their modem?
I made a dead body wearing a brassiere disapear. A-bra-cadaver!
How do you catch a unique bird? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird? Tame way you caught the unique bird.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?" the officer replies "for drinking" The man replies "great, when do we start?"
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it's about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
What changes faster than technology? Taylor Swifts boyfriend
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korean missiles don't go that far.
What do planets like read? Comet books! Edit: What do planets like to read?**
After i walked out of the theatre from watching star wars I turned to my woman and said, "so do you wanna chewbacca on this cakka?"
We can teach kids there's no "i" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no "a" in definitely.
Birds that have mating rituals... I bet they just wing it.
What would be a good name for my daughter who is a synth? Synthia
My neighbor doesn't like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get? A socra-tease Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week
Google Docs went to Nepal over the summer, came back like "I'm Google DRIVE now," but we still called it Docs for the rest of college.
What do you call a detective novel about eskimos? Whodinuit
The second grader was in bed with a cold and  high temperature. 'How high is it Doctor?' she wanted to know. 'One hundred and three' said the doctor. 'What is the world record?'
I don't suffer insomnia like most tweeters do. I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.
A drunk goes to a Horse track... and asks the a horse if he's going to win. The horse replies "Just say Neigh to gambling!"
the C in CNN stands for cterrible
A world without women... A world without women could be a real pain in the ass.
What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got Fat
In my opinion, the most important part of any meal is the ingredients
So I attempted to set my new password to p3n1s... It told me that my password wasn't long enough.
How do you clean a seat for a woman? Wipe your face
"I hate it when you go off on tangents!" "I hate it when YOU go off on cosines!" Irreconcilable trigonometry can kill a relationship.
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!
Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"
What's the best part about being a necrophiliac? No talking during sex.
Scientists discover that Viagra can also be used to grow new bone.
Dark and or Offensive :] I don't know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.
I love my Sherlock Holmes dildo... I call him, Bendy-dick Cum-a-bunch
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
Everyone asks me if I'm in a relationship with the blind girl that I recently met... But I'm just seeing her.
How did the date go? -Not good. Aww what went wrong? -*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn't my type.
What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am? It's your dad.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Why did the dinosaur walk on two  legs? To give the ants a chance.
Sunset The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong. I see God is no fan of moon-walkers.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Butter ! Butter who ? Butter wrap up - it's cold out here !
A fish walks into a bar the bartender  asks "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck  "Water".
I'm constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
TIL 6.7 billion people are the minority By arrogant ignorant Americans.
What does a 12 year old redneck girl say when she loses her virginity? Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes!
What do you call a German singalong? Follow the lieder!
I called my fishing boat "Dubstep" Because it's the only time i drop the bass.
Tired of hearing the same song over and over again? Try being in marching band.
What do you call a man wearing two rain jackets? Max
Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death." Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
"Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Curious about sex
A man walks into a bar carrying a small pig. "Where the hell did you get?" the barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.
What is Pedobear's favorite time of the day? When the big hand touches the little hand.
What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to? Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.
You say tomato I say gross
What's up late and optimistic?
Masking tape never makes a very realistic mask.
What did the insurance company say to Dr. Dre when his house was demolished? Someone's gotta pick up the Beats and pieces.
Why are you all so excited it's Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
What is black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
My mum doesn't work in IT. So I don't get why she looks at me and keeps repeating "I wish there was an undo button."
My doctor told me to avoid trans fats. I'm really gonna miss tumblr.
That's the thing with mental health It's all in your head.
What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs? It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!
Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the others relies on tales...
"A father says to his son," "It's going to be tough in this recession." The son says "Tell me something I don't know." The father says "Your mum's ass can take my whole fist."
Pretty cool how you can turn cotton into delicious candy or a totally comfortable shirt to wear.
Why did they name the T-Rex in Jurassic World Rexy? Because if they went with the first syllable it would have been called Tyranny.
Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB. Me: No you didn't.
*tip toes out front door* *wife texts me from China* "Where you going?"
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don't. I googled it, it's called cuddling.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. Because I have no idea where sandwiches live...
What did the T-Rex say when he stubbed his toe? "Ouch. I'm Dino-sore!"
Why are elephants grey ? So you can tell them from flamingos !
I'm part Welsh and part Hungarian.. I guess that makes me Well Hung
I wish someone knew exactly when the world is going to end so I can stop feeling guilty about all the littering I've been doing.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like "please untie me" and "just tell me who you are".
Note down the number please. A person was riding on a horse, He Jumped the red light, a cop whistles' person lifts the tail of horse and says, "Note down the number please."
Did you hear about the shoemaker who went bankrupt? He was inSOLEvent
While teaching a CPR course, chuck norris actually brought the practice dummy to life
What's the healthiest cuisine? Vitaminese food.
A tourist tried to visit a nudist beach only to discover it was blocked off. He asked the local lisping lifeguard of the beach, "You open?" The lifeguard responded, "Sorry, we're clothed."
why is Peter Pan always flying because he neverlands.
What are the best clothes to wear to the dance club? Boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants...
Now that the new bills have Harriet Tubman on them... if you put one on a television does that make it a tele-tubbie?
Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t- PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
What do you call a nocturnal bird that likes both men and women? A bisexuowl. I'm sorry.
Why do pandas have black eyes? SHE FELL, DAMNIT! God! What is with all the fucking questions?
Which sports team honors the true spirit of Thanksgiving? The Redskins
Doctor Doctor my hair keeps falling out can you give me anything to keep it in ? Yes here is a paper bag !
As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.
What Did Kid Davis Say To The Lesbian Melons? you cantaloupe. i just thought of this. probably not the first person to, but i certainly didn't steal it.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake! Edit: Holy shit I didn't even realize it was my cake day. Woah
Did you hear about the horror movie set in a campground? It was in tents.
I got food poisoning... Not sure when I'm a gonna use it.
If I had a parrot I'd teach it to say "I know where they buried the bodies"
Why can't girls play hockey? Their pads can't last three periods
I don't have Great Expectations for my son. But I got him the other 13 Dicken's Books.
Why did the doctor quit his job? He ran out of patients.
I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people. It's a lot to digest...
My asian girlfriend refuses to go all the way with me... She's a real life Chinese finger trap
What's darker than 3am in the morning? 12' noon in the cotton fields.
Why did god invent the yeast infection? So women would know what it's like living with an irritating cunt.
How do you improve public transportation in Ferguson, MI? Move the trees closer together.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
How can you find a fag in a newspaper? It's not hard.
Why did the church hire a prostitute? Her resume said "missionary position"
How often do i make jokes about chemistry? Periodically.
What do you call an alligator from India whose in charge of telling everyone what to do? A Deli-gator...I'll be here all week!
Women are like hand grenades If you take off the ring you lose your house and half your belongings
Organising an event for people who can't ejaculate Let me know if you can't come
I need to know your best 'Yo Mama' Joke. I just got schooled in a Yo mama rank fest(Yes i'm 39, so what) and I need some serious ammo to get back at this ass. Thank you all.
"Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way..." - "We should call it AAAA!" "You're fired."
How does moses make coffee? Hebrews it
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Mom always said she didn't have a favorite child, which was tough because I don't have any brothers or sisters.
Dear Ad Agencies, Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials. On behalf of dog owners everywhere, Thanks!
What does Mark Wahlberg eat for breakfast? Funky Bunches of Oats
[breakup] Who should get the cat? "I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" {3 weeks later} Can you tell? "Nope"
"Name him Mufasa, it means "king" in Manazoto. And uh, we'll call HIM Scar. Because his face." Simba's grandparents were the real villains.
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
What is the thinnest book in the world?  What Men Know About Women.
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
"She lived a long, long life. And saw basically nothing." - eulogy for a cat
Why can't T-Rex's Hi-Five each other? Because they are dead.
How to keep an idiot busy (answer is in the description) How to keep an idiot busy (answer is in the title).
I really gotta start saying "congratulations" I instead of "are you keeping it?"
Why does Marshawn Lynch sit in the back at the Kid's Choice awards? He's just there so he won't get slimed.
What do you call a blind german? A not-see (Nazi).
What do you call a Muslim who's always late for everything? 9/12
I wish I could feed people I don't like to my cat.
Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore. I kinda want to date him now.
An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.
Q: Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times? A: Once when you tell it once when you tell her the punchline and once when she gets it.
What do you call a happy prosecutor? Smiles Edgeworth
i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, "who is he talking to?" then i thought "who am I talking to?"
What do you call a happy Kia owner? An optimast.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness Me: Wait. . . wh-what? GF: I'm pregnant Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
What did the ventriloquist say to their friend? Nothing. He's mute. I don't even think he's as ventriloquist.
TIL That in 2014 Netflix announced they wouldn't be pursuing science-fiction themed original content. But Stranger Things have happened.
Three men walk into a bar... ... the fourth one ducks. edit: grammar
What do bored frogs do on a Friday night?.. They go Bar Hopping!...
woman on a date drops curry on her lap.... "Oh no! Madras!"
[first date] "I learned to crochet in prison... Now you say something."
Why did the Muslim cross the road? His dick was stuck in the goat
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Theres no point in tailgating me when I'm going 50 in a 35 zone Also, those red flashing lights on your car look ridiculous
If someone asks if you've been crying just say, "why... do you want to watch?" and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
For most people, when you lose your "khakis" you lost your pants. When you're from Boston and lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.
I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.
How many beans are in Irish bean soup? Two-thirty-nine. One more and it'd be too farty.
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck? Polly want a quacker!
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I. - dead people
All this time I wondered why birds were out to get me. Turns out I just had a chip on my shoulder. #blood
10 Seldom-Used Batteries that Might be Depleted... #7 will shock you!
Fridge My fridge has been acting weird, I guess it's bi-polar.
The three unwritten rules of life 1. 2. 3.
I really want to drive private or hired cars. But I don't have anything to chauffeur it.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
When four people arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time, it is required that they exit their vehicles and fight to the death.
You've cat to be kitten me right meow.
My friend drowned. So at his funeral... ...we took a cake shaped like a life raft. After all...It's what he would have wanted.
What do you call an attractive bee who goes to bars? A bar-bee!
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how many cops planted it there
A Higgs boson walks into a church, "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!" shouts the priest. "But without me, how can you have mass?" asks the particle.
God... Two goldfish are swimming around their bowl. One asks the other, "Here - do you believe in God?" The other one says, "Of course I do! Who you think changes the water in our bowl?"
First cannibal: Come and have dinner in  our but tonight. Second cannibal: What are you having? First cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.
Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ? Santa Clues !
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
A Priest and a Rabbi Walk Into A Bar The rabbi turns to the priest and says: "I get the feeling someone is going to make a joke out of this."
Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi ! Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !
Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.
Your resume just says "falconer" "And?" Well, this is a bank *falcon starts break-dancing* "Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job"
Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses? He was a rough rider!
Your mother is like a brick Flat on both sides and laid by mexicans
WHITE BITCHES: stop flipping your hair into people. Be aware of yourself in space.
Why did the fat, religious Ugandan move to Egypt for weight loss candy? He wanted to find a lighten mint through trans-Sudan migration!
Kids are so inquisitive. "Will robots ever take over the world?" Me: "Almost certainly." "But when? Before I die?" "A bit before, yes."
What type of music does the Easter Bunny listen to? Hip-Hop!
A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."
I like jokes about Ethiopians They never get old.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[walks in on someone watching Wheel Of Fortune] What's this, Wheel of Fortune?
If a tree falls in the forest with no one around to hear it... Does a hipster still buy the soundtrack?
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
and God said," Let there be light !" Chuck Norris says" Say please"
I'm so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status.
What do a burnt pizza and a baby have in common? Some idiot pulled it out to late
Why did 2pac go to the gym? So he could become 8pac. To clarify, my 11 year old niece told me this. Thought this sub needed to lighten up a bit.
How do you greet a Rastafarian who's out of work? jahbless
How do you make a small fortune in the movie industry? You spend a large fortune *ba dum tiss*
I'm not disappointed, I'm just mad
Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!
Quite the conundrum for us ass men... We cannot lie, but we must never trust a big butt and a smile. I'll see myself out now.
In a double blind study researchers found women who drink regularly are more likely to become nuns Proving once and for all that alcohol is habit forming.
Dammit, this spermicide didn't work at all. My kids are still here and now they won't stop whining about their eyes burning
I live in Zimbabwe. My favorite rapper is 50 cent. Or as we like to call him, 400 million dollars.
Is toasting with deaf people offensive? Hear hear...
Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty? Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
If you've been unemployed for a while, update your resume to say youve been a Blockbuster manager for the last decade. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW!?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Why was Twelve running from Seven? Because Seven had a fucking rocket launcher!
So she texts: Do you want to see something exiting? Me: Yes, of course! Anddd she left the chat.
Donald Trump won the presidency and everyone laughed ... it was Hillary-less.
I asked the chicken why he crossed the road. He said to eat.
Like on Amazon or in our house? [My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I'm glad George Washington didn't live long enough to see his face printed out and rubbed on the ass of every stripper.
I got a black girlfriend now. I burned my hand on the stove.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a person? None. Light bulbs don't change anything.
Q: What's the friendliest school? A: Hi school.
What do you call a black person from Niger? A Nigerian, you racist
Why is it okay for an ice company to commit fraud? Their assets are already frozen!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men's bathroom] Haha "What do we do?"
What's Lorde's favourite band? Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Why is the government encouraging more American made vibrators? They want to increase their gross domestic products.
What insect lives on nothing? A moth because it eats holes.
I chug everything I drink just so people can't say I have a problem with alcohol. So you're telling me I have a problem with Pepsi too, mom?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can't do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid? Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did. 8: It's a really old story then, I guess.
Ppl really messing with football players on twitter like they're not one concussion away from waiting for u in ur darkened house
I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march. Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich.
I was having sex with my girlfriend... ... and I said to her, "Woman, you've got no tits and your pussy is too tight." She grunted,"Get off my back."
"This won't end well, mark my words. Mark, my words. MARK. MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!" *Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Why don't hat store owners and pet shop owner get along? Because you can't be a fan of hat care and cat hair.
I've decided to leave my past behind So if I owe you money, I'm sorry but I've moved on.
TIFU by rubbing yeast infection cream on my face whoops wrong scrub
"There are hot Shingles in your area" - My Doctor
I'm not saying the Internet at this hotel is slow but if you're reading this tweet, it's likely 2016.
If a blind girl tells you your penis is massive... ...she's probably pulling your leg (great show by Jimmy Carr tonight)
What's hindi for milf? Mumbae
The residents of Mayberry took a course in computer programming. When the instructor said, "Compile," Gomer went to the head of the class.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you're now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn't Nintendo.
Commissioner: we'll need to stay in touch Batman: ok Commissioner: this stealth communication device will- Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Why is a Boston painting school so special? Because everyone there is ahtistic.
Supermarket Workers So this woman comes to the meat section of a supermarket and asks the butcher if he has any brain, and he responds with: "Miss, if I had a brain I wouldn't be working here"
What's E.T short for? Because he's got small legs
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Someone remind Green Day to get up.
Two whales are at a bar... The first whale turns toward the other and says, "ooooooOOoooooooOOOOOOOOooo!" The second whale says, "Dude, you're drunk as fuck."
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I'm about to be murdered.
Why didn't Microsoft release Windows 9? Because Windows 7 ate 9.
a crazy spanish train commits a murder because some guy slept with his train-wife that's a loco motive, ese
Why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
-Knock Knock! -Who is it? -The love of your life. - :) Really? -Hahahaha no, it's the pizza you ordered.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
What's the hardest part about eating a Vegetable? putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
My wife and I welcomed our second child into the world yesterday afternoon! I never knew she African ancestry...but I guess I should have known with the first one.
I tried to help by doing my daughter's hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I just found out I'm colorblind It came out of the yellow.
Never end a sentence with a preposition For example: The boy had no one to play a preposition. Wait... I think I gave two examples above.
"I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled "Ninja School", followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School"
Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!
HR: You can't urinate outside. Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away? HR: Can you take a drug test? Me: Nope, I'm all out of urine
Are spambots as flirty with everyone else or do I actually have a legitimate shot?
So this Ethiopian's eating a lion right... Just kidding
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool!
When Tim Tebow found out he got cut by the Eagles he threw a fit... .. And even that got intercepted.
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
I hate it when I pee in my pants and people think its just water that splashed on my crotch from washing my hands.
I knew someone that was frozen to absolute zero once. He was 0K.
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends what you want it to change into...
My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she's really enjoying Google Plus.
When the inventor of USB stick dies.. They'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it the other way, then lower it again.
Trump Alien Joke Trump claimed in a recent interview that he'd fund the search for alien life forms. He said he'd start by finding and deporting the ones in the U.S.
[all the dairy products r hanging out] Milk: lets go drink Cheese: yea Yogurt: yea Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Van Gogh's girlfriend: Oh my love! Why did you cut off your ear?! Van Gogh: pardon?
Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
Man was rushed to ER after putting 4 plastic horses up his ass... After being treated, doctor described his state as stable
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on euthanasia. The librarian says, "I'll do my best to assist you".
What do you call a Native family reunion? An alcoholics anonymous meeting.
What happens when a nun becomes pregnant? They fire a Canon.
*slams table WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY'D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
*panics during bank robbery* "Uhhhh hi yeah I'd like to put this gun in my safety deposit box"
Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn't respond that she's been thinking it for a while.
I don't ever use my blinker. It's nobody's business where I'm going.
Some think the economy is slowly recovering. Others think it's on the verge of collapse. I think about boobs mostly.
My car has started clicking at me. I think it's trying to tell me something, but the jokes on him, I don't speak a single African language.
It's too bad Batman's real name wasn't Bruce Bates, then Alfred would be saying Master Bates all the time.
Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.
Why was Ohm the Empire's best scout? He discovered the resistance
Childish Knock Knock Joke *Knock knock! *Who's there? *Take a nap! *Take a nap who? (say it fast) *Hope it comes out alright, I'll come back later...
I can't wait for Kim Kardashian to get old
GOOD COP: The sign on your door says NOTARY NOTARY: Yes? NOT A GOOD COP: *menacingly leans onto desk* Sounds like something a RY would say
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot. What did you think, you racist mother fucker?
What did the saucer say to the teacup? You have a hot bottom.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself. Me: Make up your mind.
Women, should start bragging about their size like men do. For example, I happen to be hung like a Tic-Tac.
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive They would eventually find me attractive
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Thanks for the free womb & board, Mom! Happy Mother's Day.
What was the old lady's favourite type of wine? "Why don't you ever take me to Florida?" Courtesy of my Nana.
Why did the computer say hello? Because it was a Dell.
What do you call a tenor with erectile problems? Flacido Domingo.
What's hairy and flies through the air? Jonathan Livingstone Gorilla!
*CLOP CLOP CLOP* **BANG BANG** *CLOP CLOP CLOP*. And a man died Those damn Amish pulled a drive-by
Sex! Of course you don't get it.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I had a friend from Ukraine. Now he's from Russia.
Why are the Panama Leaks so important, anyways? I mean that canal fucking sucks, so who cares.
Knock knock. Who's there? Beats. Beats who? Beats me.
Someone hit someone with a knife between his fingers. I guess you could say he...Spiked his punch. (   )
Tip: if you often say things like "there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence" they won't ask you to mentor new coworkers.
what's the difference between the government and the mafia? The Mafia is organized
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it. If he's not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I'm going home.
A man goes to see his doctor... A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." The man says "What! why?" The doctor says "So I can examine you"
The other day I wrote a post about muslims It blew up!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
2 hunters walk into a bar... ...That was the worst time to misinterpret the word 'duck'
Her: See ya later alligator! Me: *slithers into swamp*
I'm not saying I want a divorce, it's just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Knock knock. Who's there? John. John who? John proceeds to break into tears as his mother's alzheimers has progressed to the point where she doesn't even remember him.
What was Monica Lewinsky's job at the White House? Receiving heads of state.
A gay deer walks into a bar After a long night he comes stumbling out and says, "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks in there"
Why is cupid bad at basketball? When he shoots, someone else scores.
So the other day my friend asked me if living in Switzerland had any benefits... I responded: "Well, the flag's a big plus."^I'll^see^myself^out.
What's something a gay man can't live without? Water
Why didn't the potter get a job? He didn't *urn* his degree.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water] DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If you enjoyed the film Mean Girls... You'd love Standard Deviation Girls!
Just updated My Facebook status from "Single" to "In a Trinity". #wayoverdue
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. and pepper-spray keeps the blacks at bay!
Normally I find Ted Cruz's message to be more off point But last night he proved to be undoubtedly a more-on candidate and a moving speaker
Why cant a bicykle stand on its own? Because its two tired! *badum tiss*
I have the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a fox... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What did cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi
Two nuclear explosions occur next to each other. "You're way too close to me" says nuke #1. "I'm Feynman" says the other.
A bear walks into a bar Bartender: " What will you have sir?" Bear: "Gin............ and tonic." Bartender: "Why the big pause?" Bear: "I dont know my dad had them too."
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear. Also sorry for the shoddy manscaping.
{Prison Diary Day 7} Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
French Knock Knock Joke Frappe Frappe ! - Qui est la? Losty - Losty qui? Oui, c'est pourquoi j'ai frappe!
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance I said "maybe she went black" and now I don't have to help with homework
Masturbation comes in handy. Literally
What do you call a fruit that argues against the position it supports? The Devil's advocado.
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
My Roommate wanted me to play the popular game Fuck, Marry, Kill... But now I am confused. What should I do with my husband's dead body?
I didn't use to eat babies. I still don't. I just didn't use to as well.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Either people up north are getting friendlier or it's the spring-like weather because I was just told to "please" go fuck myself.
[girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i'm so mad at you. HER: i'm naked come over. ME: i'm not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
(I rest my foot on a woman's purse as she's walking down the street) hey how's it going
Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.
This will immediately prove if your racist or prejudice What do you call a black man on the moon........................... .........AN ASTRONAUT YOU RACIST
If you thought black people were mad about the Oscars... wait until the nominations come out for the World's Greatest Dad Award.
My dad shouted "shut up idiots" to the cats. I told him "You're speaking English to a cat. You're the idiot. You have to meow at them."
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let's ruin both at once.
What's the difference between a dirty Greyhound station and a lobster with big breasts? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
How do Chinese parents pick a name for their child? Throw an aluminum pan down the stairs.
What's yellow and black and makes you laugh: A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.
Black Super Mario *Jumps on mushroom* *Throws fireball at turtle* *Slides down sewer pipe* *Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*
What do you call a software developer who's also a gynecologist? Front-end
Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the prison wall... He turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
You know your marriage is on the rocks when your wife goes to bed wearing a rape whistle.
I turned down a free meal at the steak house yesterday. It was a missed steak.
The Chinese couple sitting behind me have said one Chinese thing after another to each other for almost an hour now.
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs. The Customs official says "Have you got anything to declare?" He thinks a second and he says "It's a nice-a day!"
What is Spock's Birth Control method Vulcanized Rubber
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None because feminists can't change anything.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it's where all of the other vital organs reside too.
What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin ? Flatman and Ribbon !
[magician rolls over in bed] "Last night was amazing" Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast? Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]
I wonder what chairs think about all day... Oh, here comes another asshole.
These coffee flavored rice cakes are delicious, but chewy. [eats another coaster]
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
is anyone.. is anyone else excited for the season finale of America on Tuesday?
Which Game of Thrones character doesn't stink ? Bran He is Hodorless
Why is sleep only fun when you're supposed to be awake?
I need you to be open with me... ...Said the gynecologist to the psychiatrist
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Flew out of top hat. Flew out of limousine. Flew out of church. -Dove Resume
If Sam McCringle can mingle with a single bag of Pringles in the time it takes to sing a single jingle, with how many Pringles did Sam McCringle mingle? none... Pringles come in cans
What does a redneck garden gnome hate more than anything? Transplants
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
What did John and Yoko say when their son wouldn't eat his vegetables? "All we are saying is give peas a chance."
When cooking a turkey, Don't worry about seasoning it. It's a waste of thyme.
I think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?
Oh man, I think I took a wrong turn somewhere. Looks like I'm gonna have to backtrack 25 years.
So a black guy and an asian guy walk into a classroom... The black guy gets a D- while the asian guy gets a B The asian guy gets beat up by the black guy lol
I like my women like I like my exams with curves
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Why were birth rates low in 1970? You can't get pregnant during '69.
Something came in the mail today.... DEEZ NUTZ!!!! HA!!!! GOT HEM!!! GOT HEM!!!
Does California have *any* water? I seriously drought it.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
My buddy just came over with his eyebrows waxed... The light had them shining so much it looked like both of his eyes just came up with the best idea.
TIL about Cunningham's law which states: The best way to get an answer online is to ask the question nicely.
What does a cat say when it lands on it's back? Me. Ow.
Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid. Now every.spider.must.die.
What do nine out of ten people like? Gang rape.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
A magic tractor drives down a road... and turns into a field.
To all the single people this Valentines weekend Go fuck yourself ;-)
What did the other vegetables in the garden say when a rumor was going around that two vegetables might start dating? "I heard it through the grapevine."
People who walk in front of the theater screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
I was wondering why a fire truck was in front of a theater close to me last night... I suppose it was Catching Fire
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
What do Paint Samples and Michael Jackson have in common? They both come in little white cans...
What is the same about Subway and Jarred They both put 30 year old meat between 12 year old buns
[Walks up to stranger] Me: "Excuse me, would you take my picture?" Him: "Sure." Me: "Great!" [I hand him a beautiful 5x7 portrait of me]
The Energizer Bunny was just arrested! He was charged with battery.
Wife: My hubby &amp; I have, what he calls-Olympic sex. Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life? Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
My grandma died after eating too many gingerbread houses last night... The doctors diagnosed her with a rare case of "munch-housing-syndrom"
Why don't pediatricians like to wait? Because they have little patients.
The signature dish of a restaurant called the Twisted Rooster: Mobius Chicken Strips.
What has hands but can't clap? Stephen Hawking
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs? She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.
If you drop food on the floor in public, it's proper etiquette to look around and see who noticed before shoving it in your mouth.
Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It's not going well. Their musical styles aren't compatible
What is a duck's favorite drug? Quack (Sorry for wasting your time)
What did one pedophile say to the other? I'll give you two fives for a ten.
I am afraid of heights That's why I never get high!
What do you call a union of writers? A writers' block
Who is Hitler's favourite character in Star Wars? Princess Leiabensraum
What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me!
"Who am I?" she beckoned the stars. Stars: We've gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery. 6yo: Flat gray piece. Me: Here. 6: 5 square red blocks. M: Here. 6: I said RED!
DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience. ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
i think ive gone insane. i cut off my nose. nothing makes scents anymore.
A termite walks into a bar and says, 'Is the bar tender here?'
What is Apple's favorite song? "Hit the Road Jack"
[in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there" god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"
When I see one of those student driver cars, I always honk a lot and yell, "You're doing great!" I think they appreciate the encouragement.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My uncle came back from Scotland and said they found a new use for sheep... Wool.
What's the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? He was tired of Haulin' Oats
I had a dream I was sitting in a motel room in Hell, so I turned on the television and started flipping through the channels. All the shows were closed-captioned for the visually impaired.
My girlfriend calls me Duracell Because I last up to 10 times longer
Dad to his adopted son "What is the extreme limit of laziness?" Son "Having an adopted son."
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons. Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
Too bad the opposite of "mo money, mo problems." isn't "no money, no problems."
What kind of cars do jedis drive? A toy-*yoda*
Little known fact: Henry Ford called it an automobile because "Horse with no Name" sounded stupid.
Your mama is so: need some material..
What does spinach and anal sex have in common? If you had it as a child, you more likely don't like it.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Why don't robots have any brothers anymore? Because they have trans-sisters.
Almost 65% of statistics are made up. The other half are lies.
Don't tell me I look tired unless you're offering to carry me
My "15 minutes of fame" are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I used to live with a girl ...until she realized I was there
Why isn't anyone afraid of China? ....Because everyone knows General Tsao's chicken. Heard from a friend today. :)
Why is Putin Always early? because hes Russian (rush-en)
wtc that awkward moment when your crush asks who your crush is
Jobs I'd be shit at: -brain surgeon -rocket scientist -ventriloquist -goat herder -sober person thingy
I like my men like I like my pizza With extra sausage (   )
To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.
What did the pedophile from Ireland say? Irish I was a little boy.
*ref blows whistle* Whistle: oh, oh god, wow. Oh geeeze
The NSA is coming to town You better not call, You better not Skype, You better not type and I'm telling you why, The NSA is coming to town
Some say sex is better than chocolate. Others say chocolate is better than sex. I say why not make love to chocolate.
My mom likes to play a version of 20 Questions called 500 Really Stupid Questions.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a wild boar? Revocation of your grant money and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I'd be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what's an internet.
On sunday remember to turn your clocks back an hour And on tuesday vote Trump to set our country back 60 years.
My relationship status: Waiting for a miracle.
Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
How does Sean Connery shave? CTRL + S
During the opening Olympic ceremony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good!....And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren't too bad either!!!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Meanwhile in Soviet Russia... A bar walks into a horse.
What happens when you turn a cashew in to the police? You bust a nut
Watching "Wizard of Oz". I'd forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
What is the difference between a gay mans mustache and a straight mans mustache? Andwer: the smell.
There's a fine line between being a drug addict and a recreational user... ...and I snorted the whole thing.
An atheist, a vegan and a crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes.
Did you hear about the mod that got pissed off? [deleted]
Text "BONER" to 69696 to donate $69 dollars to the Rad Cross
What do musicians get after they eat a candy bar? A wrapper.
My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.
BILL CLINTON'S FAVORITE CARD GAME Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game? A: Poker.
What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla? Anything it wants!
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I like to go into changing rooms in the mall and yell "help they're all out of toilet paper." It really scares the shit out of the employees
Where does a catholic cat go when it dies? Purrrgatory.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered six offender! Badum dum tiss
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.
Forest fires always think my jokes are hilarious But it's probably just because they're blazing trees
*buying teacher's gifts* 7: Mrs. J said she hates candles. Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef-jerky.
With all these factions in Syria, the situation is quickly becoming... syrias.
What's 12 inches long and white? Nothing.
Where did Jimmy go after the explosion? Everywhere.
What did the blonde's mom say before the blonde's date? If you are not in bed by 12, come home.
What did Gimli say when his wife wasn't in the mood for sex? "You're going to have to toss me"
I'm not sure Hillary should be in Office... The last Clinton left a bad taste in people's mouths.
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew....... boy scouts return from camp
Ali was great but he was not the greatest... The best boxer that ever lived was reverend Jim Jones. He killed over 900 people with one punch!
What do we want? BIGGER PLACARDS! When do we want them? NO
What's Israel favorite martial arts style? Jew-jitsu
I like my coffee like my women. Without a penis.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone but YOU.
Two detectives are at a crime scene. They locate a briefcase that is vital evidence to the investigation. One of the detectives says to the other "It's an open-and-shut case".
Martin asked David "In which state does the Ohio River run?" David answered with cool "In the liquid  state."
chuck norris went on a hike up mount st helens on may 18 1980. then he had to take a dump...
What do you say to a masochistic necrophiliac going through a beastiality phase? Stop beating a dead horse!
What do you call a reptile that likes to start fights The Insti-Gator
"French court stops child from being named Nutella" They've stopped a silly name before it can spread.
What's a life without units? Unmeasurable.
So if pro's are the opposite of con's... Then what is the opposite of progress?
What do you call the Scottish dentist ? Phil McCavity !
1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
What's the reason my shower isn't working? You have only one second to guess the answer. No pressure.
A brand-new cigarette says to a used cigarette -Dude, you are a fag -Umm, Why? -I just saw five guys take turns in sucking your butt.
Why do hunters make better lovers? - They penetrate deep into the bush... - They shoot at least twice... - They eat what they shoot...
Why does the bass fart a half-tone flatter than every other fish? He's got a **b** in front of his ass
I chose a cell phone carrier for my mom based on high percentages of dropped calls.
What did the Eskimo schoolboy say to the  Eskimo schoolgirl? What's an ice girl like you doing in a place like this?
What do you call two jalapenos getting it on? Fucking hot!
I would love to insult you... but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence.
An Olympic Gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two point penalty and ruins his life-long ambition of becoming an Olympic medalist.
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I'm now the main stake holder.
Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing.
How come Puerto Ricans don't like blow jobs? They don't like any kind of jobs
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order? Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.
Did you guys hear about the guy that just became the first Muslim country singer to get signed to a label? His name is Keith Turban
If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it
How do you call 8 Hobbits? A Hobbyte
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. 
Date: you've already made me laugh, you can do no wrong Me: challenge accepted.
What's the difference between a gynecologist and a pedophile music teacher? The teacher fucks his singers, the gyno sucks his fingers.
What do you call a person with.. A phone.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? Noeyedeer.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I voted for Giant Meteor for 2016 Guess I'll just hope for another.
I'm surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y'all.
My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, "Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously." I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.
How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach? It's not hard
I felt like I was going to be programming forever... ...so I took a `break;`
How do you pick up a jewish girl With a broom and dustpan
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects. Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Why did Adele cross the road? To get to the other side!!!!!! Like the song, "hello from the other side"
The son to his dad * Son - Dad at last i lost my virginity- * Dad -OH! so good son, i am proud of you, come on, sit here and tell me- * Son -I don't think i could sit for a while
What's green got 6 legs and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you ? A pool table
What do gay horses eat? dick.
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.
If I can see your boner I'm going to acknowledge it with a subtle head nod. Respect.
The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort. But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.
What fish only swims at night ? A starfish !
Gay jokes aren't funny Come on guys
You heard what Pedro the weatherman reported? Chili today, hot tamale
I have an eating disorder; I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
2 atoms walk into a bar One atom says to the other, "Oh no, I've lost an electron!" The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the atom replies, "I'm positive!"
Umm if Jesus only died for my sins to manipulate me into joining his religion maybe he's not such a "nice guy"
What did the toaster say to the pop tart? I want you inside of me.
What do you call a programmer's testicles? A hackysack.
People hate when I make my elevator joke But it works on so many levels
My Girlfriend Has Always Wanted To Wake Me Up With A Blowjob So today I woke her up with one
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering 'I know what you did last Christmas'
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn't yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change it, one to take pictures and four to make t-shirts for the event.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Hey, you know how geese migrate in a V shape? Sometimes one side of the V is longer than the other - do you know why? -"No, why's that? " -More geese.
What do you call some who's too pooped to Pope? Ex-Benedict
Why doesn't a chicken coop have four doors? Because if it did it would be a chicken sedan.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
Knock Knock Who's there? The Pilot. Let me in.
Good cop: license and registration please Perp: I'm sorry was I speeding Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I'm dad.
"This town ain't big enough for the two of us." -Someone who is terrible at English, science, and geography.
My favourite lawyer joke What do you call 10'000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
When chemists die, ...do they barium?
Why did the blonde burn her ear? The phone rang while she was ironing!
Girl, are you a useless, obscure and unimportant punctuation mark? Because I want to interro-bang you
Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital? It came out cordless!
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year
Hey, I feel like almost everyone here has forgotten something... The Game.
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the f*cking drain is clogged again."
If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Where did the burgers go after their wedding? On a bun-eymoon!
If someone from New Jersey bites you, are you from New Jersey?
So I was going to tell you a joke about a broken pencil... But nevermind, it's pointless.
Why was Mussolini never invited to parties? He was always fascistly late.
What's the difference between a hippie and a geologist? Not much. One likes getting stones, the other likes getting stoned.
Knock-knock joke told to me by a 7 year old kid: Knock-knock Who's there? Doris Doris who? Doris locked that's why I'm knocking!
My doctor diagnosed me with incompetence and constipation... But I really don't give a shit
Why do lesbians shop at sports authority? Because they don't like dicks.
What's Gatsby's favorite and least favorite superhero? Green Lantern and Deadpool.
Did you hear about the Chinese-German restaurant? Great food but half an hour later, you are hungry for power.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they're arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
What did the beaver say when he fell in water? Damn it.
What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand? A microwave.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes date: what about me? Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
DC &amp; Marvel (GOTG) Dc: I have a plan Marvel: You got a plan Dc: I have parts of a plan Marvel: hahahahahahahah
What happens when Jack is angry with his beans? Jack and the beans talk
[job interview] "Name one of your strengths" I didn't stab anyone today "That's not-" Yesterday wasn't so good tho
What are the four hardest years of a police officer's life? The first grade.
Wife. "Did you cut the grass?" Me. "Yep" Wife. "But it doesn't look any different!" Me. "I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out"
What's Beethoven's favourite fruit? BA NA NA NA. BA NA NA NA.
Are you a pilot? Because I'd like a trip straight to Djibouti.
It took a lot of balls for me to go on the Channel 4 show "Embarrassing Bodies". Three actually.
Wore camouflage pants once. Still can't find my legs.
Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are watching a little boy play... The Priest says, "I want to screw him." The Rabbi says, "Out of what?"
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazillian.
What is worse than dying in a mass shooting in America? Your dad finding out you're gay.
What performance enhancing drugs do penguins use? Polaroids
They say Trump isn't appealing to minorities... ...but according to the latest polls, he's winning 100% of the Naive American vote
While deep-sea diving I was strangled by an octopus The whole experience was rather breathtaking.
I was thrown out of my cloning exam for copying the kid next to me.
What do you call a Mexican cutting a Mobius Strip?? Juan.
We can play Yahtzee again. -You fixed the broken dice? Yeah. And they'll never break again. -How do you know? *grins* Die mends are forever.
A fire breaks out at a 70s themed party. The manager climbs the stage and says... Calm down, we don't want a Panic At the Disco! /r/panicatthedisco
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 11 years.
I failed my biology test today A question asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the right answer
Necrophilia So my parents recently forced me to go to a psychiatrist for my necrophiliac thoughts. Having sex with a dead girl was just a nail in the coffin.
Red Fern Q: Where does the red fern grow? A: In Lindsey Lohan's crotch!
Self-absorbed people are the worst. They are always thinking about themselves when they should be thinking about me.
Buddha is not a god But he sure looks like he ate one
What did the Mexican... What did the Mexican man order at the country musician themed restaurant? A Reba!
I just saw some pictures of Ray Rice's wife for the first time... she's a real knock out.
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy... It feels great, until you look down and realize you're gay.
What's the difference between US Politics and WWE? one is a predetermined charade that takes a tremendous amount of willingness to suspend disbelief the other is pro wrestling.
Why are women terrible drivers? Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen.
I'm currently on a 2 hour layover in St. Louis airport. I'm cold and Missourable.
Why can't Kimbo Slice beat Mike Tyson? Because he's dead.
What do get when a ghost picks his nose? Boooooogers!
What service did Michael Jackson use to do his taxes? Pay-To-File
How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? None it is done by the automatic pilot.
you know why Santa sack is so big? because he only comes once a year
You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.
"I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff
Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st? Because they have just finished a 31 day March.
What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet? Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.
What do you call a rabbit who works in a  bakery? A yeaster bunny!
What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forest1
Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.
(Hope this isn't a repost) What happens when a stormtrooper and a redshirt get in a fight? The stormtrooper misses every shot, but the red shirt still dies.
What happened to the frog that broke down? It got toad away.
Who is the hardest person to find in hide and seek? Daniel Morcombe
I know skinny jeans are fashionable... But as a slightly chubby man, I just can't seem to be able to pull them off
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood? 5-year-old: I haven't had my coffee. Me: You've never had coffee. 5-year-old: Exactly.
I like my women the way I like my coffee Light and sweet, but with lots of fucked up behind the scenes things that had to happen in order to produce them.
Tattoos are like dead babies Even if you peel the skin, they're still there
Why did Willow Smith whip her hair? Because it has been very knotty. Apologies in advance
What's the difference between toilet paper and toast? Toast is brown on both sides.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Professor: Today's exam is written. Next week we will do oral Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
What do Boobs and Lego have in common? Both are intended for children, but it's the Dads who end up playing with them most.
What did the lobster do at the disco? Pulled a muscle.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."
Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend? Prose before hoes.
My dog's pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won't admit he's older now. So I scratch out the "i" on each can & tell him it's Mexican food.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Did you hear about the lactose intolerant man who ate a whole wheel of cheese? it was not gouda for him later.
I just bought an antique clock with missing hands. I think it's a timeless treasure.
Crazy Riddle If Jane's daughter is my daughter's mother, then who am I to Jane?
Since only the good die young, I must have the shelf-life of a Twinkie.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they're on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
American political party symbols are spot on... Trump is the elephant in the room, and the DNC is full of jackasses!
Rice: for when you're not really hungry but still wanna eat a 1000 of something.
I told that woman smoking isn't good for the baby. She said "I know, I've been trying to get him to quit"
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.
I don't like gears on a car, and I hate using them. They've just always looked shifty to me.
No mom I won't go to "night school," I already get what night is, it's that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours
So i was having sex with another man the other day... And he tried to kiss me after. Pfffff, what a faggot.
Your momma is so fat that her measurements are 26-34-28 and her other arm is just as big!
Why did the christian girl like to be choked during sex? So she could be closer to God.
My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.
Why don't I play chess with the Prodigy? they smack my bishop
Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk. Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No, just visiting.
Walmart: because going to Target requires a shower.
"Calm down" I suggested. "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT CALM?" she carved in the side of my truck.
I'm sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, everyone who actually Read it.
Name an X-Man that is also a Transformer Bruce Jenner
Just misread a headline 'Trump wins big' as 'Trump bins wig'. I thought: 'about time too'.
I'm not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I entered a contest to see how fast I could eat a clock. I didn't win. The whole ordeal was very time consuming.
What's the difference between a white girl and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
What did the right breast say to the left breast in the mirror? You look like a right tit in that.
If you've been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom
A man walks into a bar... ...and is sent to the hospital with a severe head injury.
I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Did you hear about the midget Trump supporter? Apparently, he's a little racist.
Toys 'R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
If life gives you melons. . . You probably have dyslexia.
Man who stand on toilet... High on pot!
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
"That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Whats black, heavy, round and comes from the sky that can kill you? A bowling ball.
My friend Tommy drowned the other day... At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted...
Q: What's the abominable snowman's favourite food? A: Spag-yeti.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
What's the difference between an Arts student and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of 4
On Family Guy, why is the Griffen's internet so slow? They only have one meg.
Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones? Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.
Only one Chinese man lived in my hometown, and I still couldn't tell him apart.
What did iodine say to Xenon when caesium died? Well, I guess we better Barium.
I heard there are only 140 characters allowed on Twitter, but that can't be true. I've been on there before - almost everyone is a character.
Why did the man drowning in the river think he wasn't going to die? He was in de-Nile.
What do they say about the blind prostitute? You really gotta hand it to her.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar The bar tender asks him if he wants a drink, he says "I think not." He then disappears.
Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'
What do you call guacamole that won't talk to you? Incommunicado
What do old people smell like? Depends.
I'd read books on my iPad but it has movies and those work better with my stupid.
What do you call it when a video game character gets hair on his body? Q*berty. (my kids wrote this!)
My boyfriend broke up with because I make too many Linkin Park references, but in the end it doesn't even matter.
"For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!"- Jesus, using his coupons.
How can you spot a bad stripper? Because they half-ass it.
A DNA molecule walks into a bar "What will it be?" asks the bartender. "ATCGGCAGGCTTCAGTTGCA" says the DNA molecule.
Pete Carroll was approached by a hooker last night but he said "I'll pass"
TIFU by being Cuban and attending Fidel Castro's funeral. Now the FBI lists me as "public enemy number Juan".
What's the internal temperature of a Ton-ton? Lukewarm
Fun fact: All of the seasons were named after coils of metal. Except for summer and winter. And fall.
My girlfriend asked me: "Reddit or me?" Sometimes I miss her.
Did you hear about the Native American man who drank 200 cups of tea? He nearly drowned in his own teepee.
Daddy can u get me a drink? "No, you're 5yo you can get your own drink" Fine *goes to fridge "While you're there can you grab me a beer?"
Where can you always find older model prostitutes? At a used harlot.
My mate went to a restaurant and the waiter had lost his left arm Serves him right
Doctor Doctor I'm boiling up! Just simmer down!
Sort of embarrassing when the babysitter shows up, and I don't have kids, and then it's $300 an hour.
Happy ending massages don't count as cheating... Women pay to have their cars washed for the same reasons. It takes too long, my arm gets tired, and I get my gym shorts all wet.
Why did the 2 stem cell researchers get a divorce? Because they grew a part.
If you want to find a cure for stupid, take a tissue sample from people who call and request songs they're already playing 50 times a day.
My wife told me I'm funny. According to her, even having sex with me is a joke.
I had no shoes and I felt sorry for myself..... Then I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
Need something witty to say after i pee in a cup... Tomorrow is drug test day... Not sure this is actually the right sub for this but watevs.
Did you hear the one about the Rabbi who performed circumcisions? He never charged for his services, but he always kept the tips.
A farmer counted 197 cows in his field... ...but when he rounded them up, he had 200.
I used to work in food service, now I work in IT The biggest difference is the phrase "My server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.
Well, you see, there is something wrong with my friend... He spawns the pink eyes, and he doesn't catch it from other people... He just gives it to himself... Then spread it.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Whats brown and rhymes with "Snoop"? Dr. Dre
GF: "Can I be frank?" Me: "Sure, but I'd be more comfortable if you were a woman."
English teacher asks me, "What's an example of pleonasm? "Troublesome Woman"
Why was the dolphin sad? He had no porpoise in life.
Both cats and dogs are illiterate, but I bet dogs feel bad about it, while cats don't give a shit.
5 beer 2 Fingers A Faizan Walks Into A Bar, Holds up two fingers, and says ''FIVE Beers_Please''
Knock knock! Who's there? Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton who? ...Who's asking?
What did the O say to the Q? "Dude, you're dicks hanging out"
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
What happens when you spike Hawaiian Punch? It gets a lil' kick. :)
So I poured my root beer into a square glass... now I just have beer [](http://i.imgur.com/FVEqK.jpg)
Does anybody know any jokes about salt? Na
Why do blondes have big belly buttons? Their boyfriends are also blonde. [A joke I heard in grade 6.]
A book fell on my head... I can only blame my shelf.
*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*
How did the crazy man get across the forrest? He took the psycho path. (   )
"Suicide Squad" looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches.
What's the Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup? Anyone can roast beef.
I saw an old man being beaten up by a two men in masks. I decided to help... We beat the crap out of him.
I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.
Q: Why do women have tits? A: So men will talk to them.
I know a good dad joke. But I have to wait for Dad to come back to tell.
Why did Hitler kill himself? . . . . He saw his gas bill.
What do creationists and neutron stars have in common? Density
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
When I do laundry I tell people I'm going to 1943 Cause I got to separate the whites and colors
Teacher: Why are you late Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said "School Ahead Go Slow!"
Orange is the new white rest are black.
Knock Knock Who's there? Heisenberg Heisenberg who? I am the one who knocks *I'm bracing for a lot of downvotes*
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unnatractive They'd eventually find me attractive
Doctor Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar I can't believe that!
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK! A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".
Person 1: "Have you seen that new movie about the tractor?" Person 2: "No, but the trailer looks good."
Don't forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
What is E.T. short for? So he can fit into his spaceship.
Do you know why Stevie Wonder can't see his friends? He got married.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I'd like to be an optimist, but I doubt if it would work out.
If I find out who stole my copy of MS office, I'll kill you... You have my Word!
What's DJ Khaled's favorite number? 11, because it has another one.
Why are Reddit jokes so overused? I don't know, ask Dave.
A priest checks into a hotel and asks the girl on reception "I hope porn channel is disabled".... The girl replies with "No. It's just the normal stuff you sick fuck".
So this store "Hole Foods" just sells donuts and Swiss cheese?
If you are what you eat... I can see why some men are assholes and some women are dicks.
Richmond's baseball team had midget wrestling last night, if anyone's looking for a city with rich culture and a progressive vibe.
Let's spare a thought for the Malaysian business man on flight MH370..... who told his wife that he was going to China for a meeting and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar... It was tense.
I'd tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long.
Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads? 'Scurvy
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I've created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35... ...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper "I know it's been you shitting in my yard."
,,,,, chameleon Get it? Hooray!
I found a ghost passed out on my stairs last night. He must have been really into the boos! Happy October!
I saw a man at the beach going "Help! Shark! Help!" I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.
This girl just posted a status on Facebook which said:"F*CKING PHONE!!!!!!!!!" Apparently, "Can I watch?" is not an appropriate reply.
What do Cooperstown and Woodstock have in common? Cooperstown is where Baseball wasn't invented and Woodstock is where the festival didn't happen.
you deserve more than a guy who wears t-shirts with "witty" sayings that he bought from jcpenney.
I searched for 'wardrobe malfunction' on pornhub and it showed me a video about Narnia
Why is Dr. Frankenstein never lonely? He's good at making friends.
My friend had to go to the doctor, because all he could see were dicks. Turns out he was cock-eyed.
This ice cream is legen - wait for it - DAIRY.
When Zelda watches porn... ...does she use adult Links?
So a dad catches his son masturbating... A dad walks into his son's bedroom and finds him masturbating. "Son! That is bad for you, it'll make you go blind". "Dad, i'm over here''.
Thanks a lot, gourmet cupcake shops. You've taken a perfectly good treat and turned it into an asshole.
[at a bar] CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[packing for holiday] WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen
What's long green and goes hith ? A snake with a lisp !
"SURPRISE!!!!" - Every girl with drawn-on eyebrows.
an optimist, a pessimist, and a nihilist live in a shared apartment. dah- dum -- crash!
Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock? Because it's meteor
There will be only 7 planets left After I destroy Uranus
Did you hear about the guy that made a terrible joke? He fainted.
Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix  transplant.
What are you doing on Valentines Day? I'm getting my hands massaged.
*rolls up on dance battle* Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ *hands out pamphlets*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail.
What do women and modern computers have in common? Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy
"Release the Kraken!" ... "Well?" "We released him. He just took off. It's not like he was trained or anything." ... "Release the tuna!"
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
Baltimore's chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk!
It must be really expensive to be in a lesbian relationship, they eat out all the time.
"Siri, why am I single?" Siri: opens front face camera
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar... A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. Immediately, the bartender walks up and says: "Hey! You guys can hang out here...just don't try and start anything."
How do you annoy a Reddittor? repost
Apparently filling animals with helium is "abuse", pfft Whatever floats your goat, I guess.
What would Harper Lee's book be called if he was Mexican? Tequila Mockingbird.
If someone offered you drugs, always say yes because drugs are expensive Jk stay in school kids
I don't know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants??? One is a crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean:D
How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
If Clinton gets elected, federal employees will be LEGALLY allowed to consume cannabis! If you smoke, you have to say "I did not inhale" and if you do edibles, you have to say "I did not swallow"
MOM: Story time ME: Yay! MOM: it's called "The Little Engine that Could, but doesn't cuz he's a little shit that won't move out" ME: mom?
The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!
What's the best part of twenty eight year old chicks? There's twenty of them.
"Daddy, what happens when we die?" "You get married and have kids"
"I NEVER have enough pockets to carry all my awesome cargo!" - revolutionary shorts designer.
"How much for the supermodel?" *winks seductively "Ma'am, that's a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke."
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar... He sits down and orders a drink.
What medicine would you give an ill ant ? Antibiotics !
I like my coffee like I like my women From Kenya and tastes like warm diarrhea.
*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs* Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright
What do you call a pregnant girl A run on sentence
"DOUG YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!" [camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
"Waaaah, my boyfriend is a jerk, but I'm gonna tell twitter instead of him because I have the communication skills of a sea anemone."
"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
Why don't they just get Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail?
A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin... I said "That's the last thing I need"
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
Hey girl, are you my appendix? Because I'm not completely sure how you work, but this strange feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
Teacher : What are you doing crawling into school ten minutes late ? Pupil : Well you told me never to walk into school ten minutes late !
Dad owl: I'm dying so I need you to look after things. I'm going to give you- Son owl: Don't say it Dad: Power of a tawny Son: [turns head]
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cynthia ! Cynthia who ? Cynthia you been away I missed you !
Why did Leonardo Di Caprio laugh at the Oscar joke? He finally got it!
You know how to spell "Canada" right? "C - Eh - N - Eh - D - Eh"
What's a pedo's favorite kind of shoe? White vans
Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels she strikes oil!
What did the pirate say to his sister? Aye sis
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country
Nepal: "just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag" All the other countries have rectangles "TWO TRIANGLES" Alright ok fine
I'm not feeling very well today, I have constipation But I couldn't give a shit
Anyone know a good roofer? Nevermind, the glass ceiling didn't get smashed...
If I have to pay to use this bathroom, I'm going to lose my shit. Because I'm broke.
when I run out of spoons that tells me its probably time to do the dishes .. or quit heroine, whichever.
why does everyone scream when they see you? because your ugly!
I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.
What do you call a ghost detective? An Inspectre
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Today I told my boyfriend he can have as much anal sex as he wants... After all it's his butt.
Why do lettuce, cheese, and turkey have so many diseases? because they're inbred
I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
I'm pretty sure my kids got my good looks... My wife still has hers.
I'm beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Entirely void of pubic hair.
Thought of this one as I was going to the basement. What does the commander say to the firing squad when they go camping? Ready, aim, make the FIRE!
Well at least Trump and I have one thing in common.. ..we both think his daughter is hot.
What did the pilot say to the co-pilot right before the UPS plane crash in Alabama? Too soon.
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I loaned it to a friend but he suddenly moved away
What's a pet's favorite day?  ...Saint Petrick's Day
I hate having to brush my teeth every morning. I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.
Muslim children... The blow up so fast
I had a date last night. Such an underrated fruit.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument who'd land first? A: Who cares!
Do you know why you need two fingers for a rectal exam? For a second opinion...
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route.
What does ADA stand for? Dyslexic Association of America
What instrument do Mexicans hate? The TRUMPet.
Can Eddy cut a new hamster mane? No, but we're dailin' Tim as a Jew sits for my aunt.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive more often? A: It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Want proof advertising works? I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.
What do you call a whore famous among pickles? A lady of dill repute.
Q: What did the tree say when it messed up? A: It was an oakcident.
I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
What if we had an internet and nobody came?
My Siamese twin told me a hilarious joke earlier. I almost pissed himself
Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
My son was really scared after swallowing some lego.
I saw an all frog production of Frozen yesterday... It was toad-aly cool!
Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa? Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied.
Someone told me I was obsessed with the song "Wonderwall". I said "Maybe".
What does a cop and a dj have in common They both tell drunk people to put their hands up
People say cannibals are disgusting human beings But this one tastes pretty good
[gameshow] me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] "17" host: [looks at me weird] "that's wrong" other contestant: "salmon?" host: "correct"
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
A lot of guys found Princess Leia attractive... ...but for me she ticks Alderaan boxes.
The First Order from Star Wars VII were very environmentally conscious... ...because their Starkiller base was solar powered.
What is a duck's favorite TV show ? The feather forecast !
What's green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? a pool table.
"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!" I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Sorry I wrote "All dogs matter" on your "I  my Weimaraner" bumper sticker.
What's the difference between a gay mustache and a straight mustache? The smell.
Monster: Stick 'em down. Ghost: Don't you mean stick 'em up. Monster: No wonder I'm not making much money in this business.
After a concert Bono started clapping and then said "Every time I clap, a child dies in Africa" . . . Someone from the audience chimed "Stop fucking clapping then"
why don 't women wear watches? there's a clock on the stove
I wonder be sad when Gabe Newell dies. He'll rise from the dead in three days.
/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award! for 96% recycled content.
Do you want a bag? A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.  "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks.  "No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."
A man walks into a bar with Harambe Bartender: What can I get you ? Harambe: I'll have a beer. Man: No, he'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice? Man: Yes, justice for Harambe.
There was a contest for the best pun. I submitted ten puns. I hoped that one would win, but... No pun in ten did.
What is a skeletons favorite tool? A bonesaw
Your momma is so old.... she used to get off on fifty slates of grey
I CAN'T STAND BLACK GIRLS WITH BLONDE HAIR . LOOKING LIKE A DAMN DURACELL BATTERY
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
I just lost my virginity!!!! April fools *sob*
What is a menstruating woman's favorite genre of movies? Period films
How many dwarves does it take to paint a room red? It depends how hard you throw then against the wall.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied "No peer pressure."
Sex is so much more with a big penis . . . With a small penis, you're barely scratching the cervix.
There are many jokes on Jimmy Fallon's TV shows... like Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
"It's funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it's your rear view mirror flashing behind you."
What's the hardest part about a fat nun's job? Getting into the habit
$100 dollar bill.... a guy leaves of a building and looks up and says that $100 bill is mine, that $100 dollar bill is mine, and dies crushed by a mattress.
What's the best way to get a redditors attention?
What do running shoes and Neo-Nazis have in common? Both make Jews run faster! (Sorry, but as an agnostic Jew myself, I hope that it's okay for me to make this joke.)
What pier is disliked by almost everybody? Piers Morgan.
I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
TIL that AIDS can be caused by anal sex... As In Doggie Style
My New Years resolution is to quit doing dick jokes. It does limit my material though. It does makes it...hard.
Two months ago my teacher asked me the name of the clothes indian women wear. Is it too late now to say "sari"?
What do you call a polish guy on a boat? A fishing pole
SURGEON: *cutting open patient's torso* NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement! SURGEON: there's a Pokemon in there
Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.
Why don't dead people sneeze? Because they're too busy coffin.
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ? A little bear !
Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within.
Offer: free guitar No strings attached
someone adopt my gpa because i can't raise it myself
How did the burglary tournament work? it was a round robbin'
"What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?" -inventor of Lucky Charms
Two muffins are in an oven. The first says "It sure is hot in here"... and the baker says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"
My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
divorce Wife to husband: I want a divorce. You always tell me I am fat. Husband: Dont be crazy. What about our child ? Wife: What ? What child ? Husband: So you are not pregnant ??
What did my grandfather say before he kicked the bucket? "I wonder how far I can kick this bucket" Ba dum tsssh
How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Attractive.
I hate gender roles. They make me so angry and virile and strong
the children's version of "The Catcher In The Rye" is called "My Little Phony"
Doctor doctor I feel like a small  bucket. You do look a little pail.
How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave? I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
How did Hitler become a hero? He killed Hitler.
If Hillary wins I'm moving to Benghazi at least she'll ignore me there!
How do you find white Canadian reggae musician Snow in the snow? You ask an informer
Butterfly Ass and Other Smells As Told by the Dog
Horrible one liner I'm trying to come up with a one liner. Shit.
/r/jokes has the most original content on reddit! That's it.
Whats the difference between a hippy chick and a washing machine? When you drop a load in, it doesn't follow you around for 6 months trying to get spun. 8)
Boss: You're not fired but we're taking away all your responsibilities. Me: Cool, a promotion! Boss: No-- Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I was going to post a joke on reddot But then I git high
So, I went out and had a few drinks.. I decided to take a bus home. So this morning I awoke and I don't know what to do with the bus parked in my driveway.
Q: What's the difference between Bill  Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.
TIFU by posting in the wrong sub Aw crap
[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker] Me: What do you say? Niece: My aunt's single, do you have money? Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?
A man and a boy are walking through a dark forest... The boy turns to the man and says "Its dark, I'm scared." The man replies with "You're scared? I have to walk back through here on my own!"
Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve? The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.
The main reason why Harambe the Gorilla was shot It was black
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
A lot of people seem to fuss about adding and removing an hour from the day. I think it's just a minute difference.
Humility is one of those things you can't really brag about having.
A man walks into a bar... The man is now in a serious coma since he was stupid enough not to wear a hardhat in a construction zone.
What do you call a really shitty nieghbor? Dinkleberry!
Why did cavemen pull their women around by their hair? Because if they had pulled them by their feet they would have filled up with mud
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like "nuh uh zombie, we don't want that"
Did you hear about the wheat farmer that got sent to jail? His wife *bailed* him out.
Why do neurologists think they're God? Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!
Why is it always so sunny in Firefly and Serenity? Because they only have one season.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW, YOU WASN'T THERE!
My bird puns are so EGG-cellent - Do you wanna hear a bird pun? - No - Well... this is HAWK-ward - dammit
What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years  old ? A year older on his birthday !
Knock knock *knock knock* "who's there?" *knock knock* "who's there?" *knock knock* "who's there?" *knock knock* "Quick! Open the coffin I don't think he's dead!"
What did Batman say to Robin just before they got in the batmobile? "Get in the batmobile, Robin"
Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s? He puts down the three and carries the one.
LIKE if you remember this: The walk of shame when you have to put something back in a store after your mom says no.
What do you call a Mexican that can't cross the border? A Mexi*can't*
Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies!
A man visits the doctor. The doctor says to the man: "I'm really sorry, but I have to tell you you got AIDS and alzheimers disease." To which the man answers: "Phew, Im just glad it's not AIDS..."
What do you call a couple punctual doctors with good handwriting? A paradox.
How many dead babies does it take to confuse a blond woman? to get to the other side....
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is- MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG? DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Word on the streets is.... "LOADING ONLY"
What did one dead American cop say to the other dead American cop? Waaazzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppp.
I Have Decided To Publish My Sex Journal in two volumes. Volume A: Thinking About It Volume B: Talking About It
Who let the dogs out? Knock knock
A priest, a blonde, and an Irishman walk into a bar And all open this Reddit post comments to see who the real jokes are
On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics... On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics, even the pools are going green.
Me: I'm done peeing!! Khakis: No you're not.
What is a pirate's favourite letter? Aye.
When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.
Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home? A: They put parking meters on the roof!
Today is national Radio day. Do you copy? 10-4
What do onions and people have in common? I weep uncontrollably when I cut them.
Was at a 90s themed party with my girlfriend. She went to get us drinks and was back within seconds. I asked her how she got them so fast. There's no punchline.
Snoop Dogg announced he's quitting rapping to open an ice cream shop. He's now known as Scoop Dogg.
Twenty-seven dollars is probably the most money that's ever been in a wallet with a chain attached to it.
- If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you! - Don't be selfish, think about the baby. - What baby? - Oh, so you're not pregnant?
A termite walks into a pub and asks... ...is the bar tender here?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home Having a kid really mellowed God out.
TUMS HAS ANYONE ELSE REALIZED THAT TUMS SPELLED BACKWARDS IS SMUT? WELL, IN ADVERTIZING THEY SAY SEX SELLS
What happens when someone overdoses on Viagra? They die hard.
So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion!Some of you f*ckers are lying!
How many rats does it take to screw in a light bulb... Two, but you have to wonder how they got in the light bulb.
9/11 jokes arent funny and 2/11 are just plane stupid
What's the craziest type of bread? Banana Nut Bread!
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure... ..So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die
I had explosive diarrhea On the bight side i started the year with a bang
What language does robot Marco run on? Rubio on rails
[Mary Magdalene, in bed with someone else after Jesus dies] Him: You said his name again.
Don't click this, it's a dick 8===D
You know what the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket "How far you think I can kick this bucket"
How many american rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb Both of them
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Why engineers are boring
What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.
Fade Away by Peter Out
If you ever feel unimportant... Just remember Windows 9
In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option. I just need to talk her into it now.
Why do elephants paint their testicles red? To hide in cherry trees. Ever seen one? No? It works. What's the loudest sound in the forest? Giraffes eating cherries.
I got an escort for my grandpa's 100th birthday. She said that she would give him super sex. He said "I'll take the soup."
What did the square say to the blob? You're out of shape.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them they'd break
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise* *holds up sign from desk* YOU'RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3 He says, "unos, dos..." *poof* **...he disappeared without a tres.**
9: Why are you hitting that spider? wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law [leaving] I don't have to take this
I don't support gun rights... I like my killing to be more personal than that.
What do Apple and Blackberry have in common? Neither one has Jobs.
Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword? Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it.. Jury: *giggles*
Why don't you ever see any Muslim methheads? They all just get stoned instead.
One of my campers made this up today: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
If you think Pi is 3142, then you're missing the point.
What do you call a starting indie dev? No Game No Life
Star Wars Joke Obi Wan Kenobi to Luke Skywalker at a brothel May the whores be with you
So I downloaded a drawing program from the PirateBay the other day... ...it was pretty sketchy.
Why was Snape in the middle of the road? So you would never know what side he was on.
Know the best part about dead baby jokes? They never get old...
I don't see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip) Telegram Telephone Tell a woman Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Q: How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it? A: Play the piano until you find the right key.
Neutrino Knock Knock Joke Neutrino Knock Knock
A world without women...... Is a pain in the ass
Researchers just found a cure for cancer. Unfortunately, it's Ebola.
Why do Italian men wear gold chains? So they know where to stop shaving.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you're telling me you can't text back?
From my 91 year old grandpa Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? A: You can't hear a vita-min.
If your sandwiches were made with the end Wonder bread slices, you weren't their favorite child.
What's a jew doing on a swing? Fucking with the german snipers
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Hot tip: Apparently it's frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Donuts: The sweatpants you can eat.
Que hace el pez cuando esta aburrido? Nada.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ankara ! Ankara who ? Ankara went off the cliff !
Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work don't worry, he's fully recovered
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack, quack, quack."
They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said "My HMO doesn't cover residential treatment."
Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looked at them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger is allowed."
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to 'Brandy from the club' then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am. #topahole
What is the reason for short people temper? They are closer to hell.
Life would be so much easier if it had an unfollow button.
Why didn't the hipster want to see the Saint John River and the Penobscot River? They're two Maine streams.
Ever read a book or see a film that touches you so deeply it changes your whole worldview? I just took a shit like that.
I don't understand why people are so upset about Harambe I mean, gorillas get shot by white cops all the time.
I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie... But I was too scared to come.
What killed the Aztec? A broken heart.
Why did the lawyer have sex with the devil? Because he'd already screwed everyone else!
If only 10 people were to stay alive in this world. what number of healthy males do you think is a good number? And how many females?
What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
Waiter waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?
If I was a superhero, I would be "not right now" man.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I tried dating a stenographer but she wasn't my type
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn't a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours? Me: Lindt truffles. HR: Me: Dr. Pepper. HR: Me: Redheads....? *winks* HR: Get out.
My wife said I must think she's a whore... I told her a whore would be cheaper.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Is 1+1 hard to calculate? It's not complex at all, right?
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
"Last call for flight 254" [Runs to gate] "You barely made it" [out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan
Why don't old people have sex? Have you ever opened up a grilled cheese?
I was going to tell a dead baby joke... But some people don't get prop humour.
I can't believe other countries are allowed to celebrate the New Year before America. Some superpower we turned out to be.
My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.
Did you hear of the invention of the shovel? It was groundbreaking.
How do Mongolians practice safe sex? They use a khandom.
A carnival worker plans to sue after recently being fired. His lawyers say it is a clear case of funfair dismissal.
When the titanic crashed, what were they floating on? An iPhone 7, there was no Jack.
How many babies does it take to open a door? It depends on how hard you can throw.
Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking intence.
Just saw a redhead break his arm. #GingerSnap
I have a midget friend... He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures".
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn't feel lonely. I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? One doesn't scream when you put it in an oven
Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic Your loss, our sauce!
A guy walks into the psychiatrists office where I work wearing nothing but Saran Wrap undies... The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
What Happened when Feminist's found out about Reddit? Well they [deleted]
What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.
"Did you sleep well?" "Like God during the Holocaust."
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day. It was a shock to the cistern.
Man and a duck... ...walk into a bar. "ouch" "quack"
Oscar Pistorius wants to install a new bathroom door... but his girlfriend is dead against it
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep, that's how you wash a cup.
What do they eat on the set of a chick flick? Romcomnoms
Did you hear about the sheep who committed suicide before they could sheer him? He died in the wool.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven? Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice  I don't bereave you."
How do you tell if there's a Pilot in the room? They've already told you.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in....
What makes a juice joke so funny? The punchline
How is a Buddhist monk and a bumblebee alike? They are both peaceful, but when pissed off have a tendency to burn.
Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don't have? Ankles.
Socialist jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them.
What do a pair of briefs and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.
Why do we never see "Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea"?
She said we needed to talk and... I said, "Yeah, I think we should break up, too." She said, "About where to eat." "Oh," I said, "Pizza?"
From now on, I'm referring to my ex girlfriends as "yesterbae's."
I'll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don't give a duck.
I'm at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
What do you call a dog magician?
What is the media of choice for the mallard? **DUCK TAPE!!!** lololololololol-- *cough cough* --lololololol
I met a ninja and asked if he could throw those pointy stars that ninjas have. He said, "shuriken."
an elephant never forgets.. so my dick remembers everything. credit goes to Childish gambino.
No honey, there isn't a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I use Reaganomics when I take a shower by only washing my hair, and letting the shampoo trickle down to clean the rest of me.
[First date] Him: Can you pass the- SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Why was Vladimir late to gym class? cause he was Putin his shoes on XD
As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering
I've already accomplished* so much today *been afraid of a goose
One beer please! *This is Starbucks!* Oh, my fault, I'm Bill.
I always drink a cocktail before having sex My dad always told me "You need a good screwdriver to really screw something".
How do you build suspense in people?
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick"
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
What do you call the hairiest man in the camp? Jewbacca
What do a plate of homemade brownies and a golden shower have in common? Urine for a treat.
Matthew McConaughey for president 2016: Make America Alright Alright Alright Again!
"I don't even own a slave" - colonial hipster
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:1. Stay together forever2. Break upNo pressure.
Gerard Butler is what I imagine Shrek would be like if he transformed back into a human.
I've decided that I'm going to start texting people back. That's it. That's the joke.
"-I like to compare my caffe americano with African migrants." "-Because it's black?" Answers doubtfully the waiter. "-Nope, just sunk deep in water"
How do you tell a rabbit from a gorilla? A rabbit doesn't look like a gorilla.
Sex with two is a twosome, sex with three is a threesome. Why do you think guys are called handsome?
Trying to figure out a Tiger Woods joke. All I know is the punchline: "A hole in one." Probably something to do with a vag.
Why didn't Hitler take a taxi? He was more of an Ubermensch.
Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
What language does a flight attendant speak? Plane English.
Go hard or stay average
Pickup lines for old people: Grandpa: Hey baby, you better call life alert, cause I've fallen for you and can't get up.
Why did Sally cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
Confession: the entire time when I was forming the earth, I was using asteroids.
People say I am condescending. THAT MEANS I TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE.
The guy who spelled 'Wednesday' like that sure pulled off some shit.
What do you call a group of Chlamydia bacteria? An applause....
I really need to get rid of this heavy copy of "Farenheit 451"... Could someone lend me a lighter? Edit: FAHRENHEIT DAMN IT
What cheese is used to block online streaming? Edam
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing... they're both stuck up bitches.
What are the two greatest lies? "The check is in the mail" and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue? You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there!
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[texting] ME: I like you, I think you're cute MY CRUSH: oh um ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*looks at fish tank 6: It's part cat and part fish? Me: No it's just a fish *Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
How many Freudian slips does it take to change a light bulb? Two! One to hold the bulb, the other to hold the cock, uh, penis, I mean, uh, ladder.
Have you heard about the kleptomaniac that robbed that fish market? They say he did it, "just for the halibut."
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do.
I bet ninjas have the worst gas... ...because they're silent but deadly.
How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish man? None
The secret to making a truly tasty vegan burger is to use beef.
Why is the archaeologist depressed? Some old stuff just got dug up
What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Chaplin? One rocks the mic, while the other mocks the reich.
Surgical operations When you get your tonsils removed: tonsillectomy When you have your appendix removed: appendicectomy When a woman has a sex change: addadictomy
How do you see that a linedancer came from Belgium and not from the Netherlands? He wears the cardboard box on his boots.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you'll need a shovel and map to find him.
What kind of glass do they put up in restaurant windows to make people want to eat more? Hunger panes.
What do you call a liver transplant? A delivery.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a robot designed by the Military industrial complex? I'd fuck the robot.
Have you heard about the invention of the white board It's remarkable.
You know, I used to hate my haircut... ... but it's really growing on me!
What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant sir!
As a kid, I used to think $5,000 was a lot of money. But now that I'm an adult, I think it's a tremendous amount of money.
I like my baked beans how I like my women... http://imgur.com/tePZMFy
Eschew pretentious poses. The boy who farted laughing gas, eschewed pretentious poses. He thought those who called him vulgar, had boogers in their noses.
Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? Fixed* [deleted]
I nevur make the same mistake twice. NEVUR.
kicked out of church. I yelled "YEAH WE "HAVE A MARIA", SHE'S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD". mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was "in that Titanic movie". Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.
I'm glad you all tweeted mean stuff at me because I've changed my mind. On everything! Congrats! You did it!
Did you hear about the snail who used to be shipped around the world in wooden crates? He was ex-cargo.
What's the difference between a hockey player and my exgirlfriend? A hockey player will shower after 3 periods
What do you call someone with no shins? Tony
What's red and orange and looks great on hippies? Napalm
*adult mutant ninja turtles sit in the kitchen doing taxes* you guys wanna smoke a joint? "were not teens anymore dude" *donatello sobs*
I don't think Princess Elsa would be a very good girlfriend, She seems frigid.
For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m. It's a decent resolution.
A friend of mine can bj his own cock He brought out a big black dildo.
An invisible bomb was just invented, what do you call it? A newclear bomb.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn't work find alcohol like I did.
What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Fitting the wheelchair in the oven.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
A mouse jumped out of my stove, but I couldn't catch it. It was out of my range.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
"What do you call someone who makes cakes in San Francisco? A BAYYYYker
To defeat Superman, Batman will sneak in Superman's house when he's asleep and dig for any weaknesses. You could say, he's going to creep tonight.
you are doing that too much. try again in 2 minutes Guess I shared to many Redditt posts too soon Or "that's what she said" he he
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should've just left it in its hole in the garden.
How do you make 30 senior citizens swear? Shout "Bingo!" before them
They say one person in every group of friends is gay. I hope it's Ben, he's really cute.
How do you cure a Jewish kid of ADD By sending him to a concentration camp
A blind woman once told me.. A blind woman once told me I had a nice girth on my cock. But I think she was just pulling my leg.
What's the difference between my dick and my wifes vibrater? The vibrater can actually make her orgasm. (Sorry for spelling.)
"Those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it" [cut to: me wearing a toga and confusedly trying to conquer Gaul]
If the head of CIA can't even hide his own affair it's pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
What Google Drive app is reserved for Jews? Google Gasroom
Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field? amaized.
Why did the boy feel warm on his  birthday? Because people kept toasting him!
Psychics A young psychic dwarf escapes from prison. The newspaper headline the next day: "Small Medium at Large". Edit: Small not short
Need an Ark? I Noah guy.
My two year old nephew, though adorable, is a pretty violent drunk.
So a guy comes into my bar for a beer... I give it to him and he says, "Hey! There's a fly in this!" Embarrassed I look and say, "Oh no, that's just Gnatty Lite."
What is Doctor Who's favorite snack? Pop-Tardis
I need a car. Hiding in people's trunks and hoping they're going to Wal-Mart isn't working out for me.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE  BUTTON ON FRONT!
Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they'll come back to life with a vengeance.
So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...
"I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor," Holmes said. "You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm."
How did the redneck find the goat in the tall grass? Satisfying.
How do you cut the Roman empire in half? You use a pair of Caesars
By DAY he's just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon... "Raccountant".. Coming this fall on Fox
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is
Knock knock. Who's there? Doctor.
A blonde takes her dress into the dry cleaners... On the way out the lady at the counter says "Come again!" The blonder replies "No, this time it's toothpaste you nosy bitch!"
marrying ur high school sweetheart is like eating chicken tenders n being like ok cool im only eating chicken tenders the rest of my life
Chubby Kid Dances watch this kid dance to a coo song Lol sooo funny
What car does Luke Skywalker Drive? a toy-"Yoda"
Why is outer space so cold? All the space heaters are on earth!
My uncle was an exercise fanatic. When he died, we had a closed casket funeral, because he liked to do sit ups.
My husband's doing that cute thing again where he thinks he's right. *throws his shit out on the lawn* *makes a bonfire*
I don't understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like "woah! that's the new detergent?"
[VIDEO] Cristiano screams like a goat https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elOlE-wEpoE&amp;feature=youtu.be CR7 screaming like a goat, enjoy
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Strockin' Off
So Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the new Hunger Games . . . If anything can bring him back, it's some powerful heroine.
A snail gets robbed by two turtles. The police interview the snail, asking for descriptions of the suspects. "I don't know," the snail says. "It all just happened so fast."
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom. Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My friends got tired of the "Chinese Fire Drill". Instead, we shout "Triangle Fire Drill", lock the car doors and scream until we reach our destination.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8x10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
What's the difference between batman and a black man One can go into the store without robbin
The other day my buddy asked me if I wanted a warm Budweiser I replied, " No its fine, I brought my own piss, ill just drink that. "
Donal Trump supporters have become exactly what they hate: A minority
"Men are pigs" - misandrist &/or world's worst biologist
What do you call a company that makes Mexicans? A MexiCo.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
"I couldn't work there after what he said to me..." "What did he say?" "You're fired."
Music Joke A C chord and an A chord walk into a bar. The bartender says to the C chord "I'm sorry, I can't serve your friend; even though he's your relative, he's still a minor."
Why do people like bananas? Because they have appeal!
What do amputee bears and regular bears have in common? They both have four legs. (assuming the amputee is missing a different appendage)
Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because he wasn't born yesterday
How do you find the blind guy at a nudist colony? It ain't hard.
Waiter: Why are you taking so long to order? Diner: I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.
(NSFW) what do driving in the fog and eating pussy have in common? One slip of concentration and you're in the shit
Why was the ant so confused? All of if its uncles are aunts!
I took a piano lesson with Elton John... He was so nice, he even offered to push in my stool.
I'm not sexist because being sexist is wrong And being wrong is for women.
Why was everyone mad after the annual animal race? Because the winner was a cheetah
How is education going to make me smarter?
It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.
What is worse than a dog howling at the moon? Two dogs howling at the moon.
I'm here to make a monthly joke April Fools.
A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on... He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."
Becky on FB is "too blessed to be stressed" so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
Men domesticated dogs to have a friend. Cats to eradicate the pests of the home. But we are still trying to domesticate women for easy reproduction.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. His left ear, his right ear, and the final front ear.
I always go the extra mile at work. That's why I'm a terrible taxi driver.
Me and my girlfriend always wanted a baby. We tried really hard, but nothing worked. We finally got one when we expected it the least! BAM, over the whole windshield.
What do you call a galaxy full of Brazilians? The Milky Hue.
My sister got a koala I asked her to name it Koka since she can tell everyone she has Koka koala.
Why did the hipster decide to drown himself in the tributary? He didn't want to be mainstream.
Infomercials that present themselves as "special" news reports - Who exactly are these fooling?
Why didn't anyone like the bread store owner? He was pretty loafsome
If 9/11 was an inside job... 5/11 was a Fawkes Guy job
grade A funny I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn't reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.
roundabouts My girlfriend isn't very fond of the many roundabouts that our city is starting to build. I told her that she'd come around to them.
I had a three way the other night.... Had a couple no shows, but I still had a good time.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Who made Lewis and Clark's footwear? Sock-a-gawea.
What do you call a barn full of black people? Antique farm equipment.
Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line. 50 Shades of Dre.
I'm texting nothing but ugly girls from now on. They text back so fast!
Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always  running after the ghost of Henry VIII ? She was trying to get ahead !
I like my pizza like I like my women Absolutely no pubic hair.
Carmella and Mario were out on their  first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella.  "No" said Mario. "Who wrote it?"
No, my kid didn't do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It's my desk.
Granny Porn Having a Granny Porn fetish must be awesome. The best days of you and your wife's sex life are always ahead of you.
Chuck Norris can hit Mach 3 in his hot-air balloon.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food *camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Everyone keeps saying I'm paranoid... This must be some sort of conspiracy...
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
"IM GOING INTO LABOR" -Mexican guy excited to start his first day of work.
What does a battery have that a women hasn't? A positive side....
I'd never snoop through my girlfriend's phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.
I'm so glad those gulls found love and happiness together. After all, one good tern deserves another.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
dddddddddd ddddddddd dddddddddd ddd ddddddd ddddd dddd Sorry my keyboard was broken. I fixed it by giving my keyboard some Prozac because it was d-pressed.
What do Grammar Nazis support? The Third Write
God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.
But man says to the doctor: Wojak I am the pepe
Look, boss, all I said was, "I bet my raise is as big as your dick." Whether that's an insult or not is entirely up to you.
I need Irish jokes, pronto! Just 'cause
Just used shampoo so fortifying that a giant brick wall manifested around me in the shower & I guess this is my home now.
Knock Knock can i get about 3.50?
Knock knock Who's there? Police. Your wife has been involved in a terrible car accident.
Bought a new boomerang today Having trouble throwing my old one away
my uber driver said today, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn left"
Doctor Griffith offers both Veterinary and Taxidermy services. His tag line is "Either way, you get your pet back".
Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus  ? He stole the show !
4: "Mom, I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time."
French Army That's it. That's the joke.
I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some Especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping. _______________ I stole this joke.
[creation] GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I've provided RABBIT: Oh hell yeah STUD HORSE: Ah nice PRAYING MANTIS: What the f
The Swedish word gratrunka means crying while masturbating. It's a real tear jerker
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one.. There all like awww shit, who's it gonna be this time
Isn't it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
How does Samsung know its most loyal customers? They check with the burn ward. (I'll get my coat)
What's the leading cause of child molestation? Sexy children
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the border.
How long does it take Mexicans to build a oh wow, they're done.
How do Humans Reproduce? A: Sexually B: Sexually C: Sexually
What's red and bad for your teeth? a brick.
How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. One to actually change the lightbulb and nine to bring refreshments
A woman sits in a bar and orders a cocktail named "Double Entendre" So the barkeeper gives it to her.
How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher? Calculator!
Boss Lady was NOT OK with me dancing around with binder clips on my nipples. Apparently we have different definitions of "Casual Friday"
Every time I tie my shoe I feel like I'm giving a faraway sniper the go signal.
How does the Pirate watch his movie? He PIRATES them off line. (Or torrents them off Pirates Bay) =)
If you think you're bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
[describing sketch artist to criminal] He was pretty good at drawing pictures.
How do Mexican peanuts tell time? cacawatches
Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.
Fat goths are morbidly obese.
I ain't got much but I can keep dry. Which is more than moist people.
My wife and I have lost over 150lbs combined!!! The only down side is we still have to pay his tuition.
Where do people in Detroit get their groceries? They don't.
What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life? An Opti-Mystic.
Did you hear about the pig who tried to start a hot-air balloon business? He couldn't get it off the ground. .
Why did the masturbating murderer turn himself in? He came to his senses.
Who was the first man to masturbate in space? The first man in space!
"You know what, that's some ?.." "Calm down you're being irrational right now."
Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There's not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
*holds flashlight under chin* "...and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!" *everyone screams in horror*
I just got an email that Netzero closed my account due to inactivity, I guess that must have taken 12 years to get here.
"Fluffy died today" "Oh my god I'm so sorry, was he a cat or dog? "He was a boa constrictor" "Well that made me feel better"
I posed naked for a magazine today... Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money.
These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us, who fought for, and won, the right to party.
I often misuse common phrases People are always pulling me off for it.
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car? Carloss. MUHAHAHAHA
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One makes your whole week, the other makes your hole weak.
Does everyone get take 'by mouth' printed on their pills or did the pharmacist look me over and think hmm...this guy might go the other way?
"daddy where do babies come from" "we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
*cop pulls me over* "Sir do you-" You a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop "What?" You seem cool. Wanna buy some weed? *pause* "Yes"
"john, did you see my dog?" "Yes, i did. He was in the garden... "He was in the garden doing politics, so i shot him". "How can you tell he was doing politics?" "He was eating shit, Sir !"
The wife left a note by the TV today saying "Its not working, I'm leaving" I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it stupid cow!
What do you call an oval with a speech impediment? An Elipshhh
Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty.
People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can't even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.
I don't have OCD... I have CDO. The letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.
How to wash dishes like a bachelor: 1. Put in sink 2. Wait
Knock, knock! Who's there? Opportunity That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
I read a story about a guy who cried while pleasuring himself. It was a real tear jerker.
What's the difference between Ethiopians and gorillas? Nobody cares about Ethiopians dying. (First post on r/jokes and a bit offensive)
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time? Or is that just stereotyping.
How does a T-Rex like its meat? RRRRAAAAAWWWWWWW
I got drunk last night and my house wasn't where I left it.
Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food... Neither have they.
I need to buy some maternity clothes. And by maternity clothes, I mean clothes I wear when I punch pregnant women.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To reach the bottom. As told by my 5 y/o cousin.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? (Say it out) An elephino!
I'm going to combine a sex shop and a restaurant... The motto is going to be "First come first serve".
Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live,. So I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.
Is light a wave or a particle? Yes
Pretty sure Tiger is wasting valuable babysitter fucking time with this press conference.
Two drummers walk into a bar... Ba dum tssh.
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? fshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of its silent P.
One of my terrorist friends decided to bomb our only good coffee machine in all of Yemen... Pissed as hell, he said he hates french press
Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
a termite walks into a bar And asks the waitress, is the bar tender here?
What is a simile? It's like a metaphor.
Why were Wrigley, Doublemint, and Orbit watching CNN? To find out the latest on gum control legislation.
Why is Flint MI famous for it's sandwiches? They have the highest Pb : jelly ratio in the midwest!
We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.
Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?
looking for roommate, utilities included. if you're taller than me, i get to ride your shoulders when we are in the same room. no exceptions
Why are pornstars so religious? They keep yelling 'oh God yes!' all the time.
What is dementia? I forget
Teenagers are overweight because... ...they aren't getting in enough physical activity. Damn consent laws...
Why did the vegetable band break up? They couldn't keep a beet.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.
What do you call a good for nothing vegetable A deadbeet
A wife asks her husband... "do you piss in the shower?" "Of course" he replies. "that's disgusting" she shrieks "but honey, I always piss when I take a shit"
Wanna hear a joke? March 8.
Parachute Jumping by Hugo Furst
Reddit is to socialising ...what a gloryhole is to love.
One cool thing about marriage is that when you hate each other, the marriage keeps you together until you like each other again.
I like my women how I like my wine 12 years old and locked in my cellar
Ted Cruz thinks: 1. Presidents should pray every day 2. More prayers the better 3. Muslims pray 5x day 4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.
What do you call a computer that is running slow? Restarted.
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume ? Because they are ugly and they stink !
What do you call an astronaut who loves himself? A NASAccist!
My wife said if this comment is gilded we'll do anal... I sure hope it isn't, my ass'll be grass when she's done with it...
I hate when my son does something wrong & he puts the blame back on me for not wearing a condom 10 years ago. Who can argue with that logic?
Q: Why did the bear run around his bed? A: He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm, if you can't come, let me know.
What do you call it when crows make noise? A caw-cawphony
A sandwich walks into a bar... The bartender says we don't serve food here.
Hey babies, all those sights and sounds that you find so fascinating are actually boring as shit.
What did the body-building priest say after he was caught eating all the communion? I was putting on Mass.
Piles Day Today is "World Piles Day". Get yourself examined thoroughly. If you don't have piles, celebrate . . . . . . . for being the perfect Asshole!
Why did the Gorilla fail English? He had little Ape-titude!
The elevators aren't working and I work on the 10th floor. I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Can Confirm. It's raining in South Carolina.
A lot of times you put up a tweet and at first it doesn't seem like it's going to do very well and then BOOM: you make 1 million dollars
Socialist jokes are the best. Everyone gets them.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you're old enough to leave North Dakota
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Why did the semen cross the road? because I put the wrong sock on this morning... :(
I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it... I didn't want to throw it away, so I just added "ish" to every number.
I don't have the faintest idea why I passed out Just a short pun
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there's only been 32. Those are just the facts.
What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested? Shot a black man.
What did the American vet did when he came to back from Vietnam? "The guns wasn't in the horse fixing resume!"
If I own a gym my employees will be required to intermittently pester you. If you don't like it don't come to Jehovah's Fitness.
Spinach is like Anal Sex If your forced to have it as a child you won't enjoy it as an adult
If that cute guy doesn't approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you're eating.
What was Hitler's amplifier called? Mein Ampf
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they're extinct.
I was once put in the 'friend zone," but with perseverance that all changed. I'm now in the 'must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.'
What is it called when Batman skips church? .....Christian Bale.
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit in your wifes clothes.
How do you even get a permit to build a city on rock and roll?
Explorers discover the holy grail only to find Kanye West drinking mountain dew out of it "sup" says Kanye
What is Donald Trump's favourite music album? The Wall
They tried me make to go to rehab and I said what is rehab hombre I speak Spanish *huffs a lot paint*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
So, my boyfriend said my handjobs weren't very good I beat him into submission.
It's only fitting that God would be a woman... since space is a vacuum.
You were a great man, Christopher Columbus ... ... to think you had the foresight of giving me work off 5 centuries later.
i don't think i'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist
What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor.
Bad news: you're unable to get pregnant. Oh no! Is it my uterus, doctor? No, your eHarmony profile says you've seen Star Wars 13 times.
Wanna hear a joke about the eleventh letter of the alphabet? No? K.
Why are red heads never calm? Because it's so easy to make a ginger snap.
I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams. It really makes my patients nervous.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Reporter: Tell me about him Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny R: Do you think he killed those people? N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
A little boy told his mom that he wants to be like Donald trump when he grows up Mom: Well pick one, you cant be both
Why are dockhands never featured in Miley Cyrus music videos? Because they're port workers.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I'm gong to start calling my dick "The Cartridge". Women keep wanting to blow it.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.
What's the difference between a fly and a bird? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
What's the most sensitive part of the body when masturbating? The ears
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you ..I'd start thinking about you.
Nothing says "I made it half-way to the American dream and gave up" like above-ground pools.
"I'm not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?" "Sorry, sir. Here's your ketchup."
Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?
What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada? Anonymoose
Why are trains so energetic? They have Conductors.
A guy got run over by the PopeMobile yesterday. I guess he didn't see the sign that said "Cross traffic does not stop."
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out-standing in his field.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
You may recognize me from such films as: HR surveillance footage 11/13/12 HR surveillance footage 01/22/13 HR surveillance footage 02/28/13
I figured out how to make my penis 8 inches Fold it in half
BOSS: We need to improve morale ME: Okay BOSS: How about an office party? ME: [crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies"] I guess
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don't need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU'RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Camo couch? what is the hardest part about owning a couch that is upholstered in camouflage? Not knowing where to sit every time
My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
A group of musicians walk into an Italian restaurant. The host says "I am a sorry. We a cannot a serve you. You are a band."
Girl at party tells me that "That wasn't funny". Her review was biased one, as she was the subject of "That" that "wasn't funny".
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid 200 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.
My sister Crystal I asked my mother earlier today why my sister was named Crystal. Mother: That's because I love crystals so much. Me: What about my name then? Mother: No more questions today, Dick.
Putin me on that list.
What's the difference between a fox and a pig? About six drinks
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper* Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I'm now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Salad is the decaf of food.
What's the definition of a mere myth? A pirate ship thailing clothe to an itheberg
If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM... It'll be like toupees in a pod.
I booked a taxi today When it arrives I threw up a Nazi salute. I bet no one's thought of heiling a cab before
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Why did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
I was going to tell a pizza joke but... It was too CHEESY! HAHAHAHAHA
In a village full of hipsters no one ever lied. Because hips don't lie.
What salad dressing does Macaulay Culkin prefer? Neverland Ranch.
It's all fun and games until you're sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework
I walked in on my roommate masturbating in the shower I said "Mate, that's disgusting" Him: "Fuck off I can wash it as fast as I like!"
What do you call a big, dumb, slow guy who cuts down trees? A lumbering oaf.
I'm not Racist I love blacks, I think everyone should have one.
Women are like grapefruit trees. They ignore me.
Why is acne better than a catholic priest? At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.
Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD? A: A trip to Israel.
My father works as a statistician at Ford. He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.
What do you call three witches in a hot tub? A self-cleaning coven.
When do terrorists go to bed? 9:11pm
So apparently Garry glitter has gone down, ON LITTLE GIRLS HAHEHHEHEE (heat plz)
SUPER FUNNY NSA JOKE!!! [deleted]
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn't have settled for a guy who couldn't even remember what my face looked like.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would just beat the room for being dark.
I just rolled a joint... Now my ankle hurts Edit: You did not expect that!
I told a psychiatric ward patient to stand in the middle of two black poles ... and he did it ! The absolute madman!
Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts But even he could not survive 2016
Dark humor is like a child with terminal cancer It never gets old
Did you hear about the Rabbi who showed up to the circumcision drunk? He got the sack.
I swear I can stare at my girl for hours and not say a word. It's so fucking difficult with this restraining order to have a good conversation.
Attributed to Mr Rogers... ...supposedly told by him to a FOAF on his first day on the job as a cameraman on Mr Rogers Neighborhood. Knock knock. Who's there? Fuck. Fuck who? No, fuck WHOM.
[Kitchen] Me: I'm a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state. Wife: No you don't the moon is full now. Me: *Illinois noises*
I think I have a medicine fetish. I get a boner when i take Viagra.
I got a new car that makes a lot of noise. It's the new audi-ble
happy easter everybody! remember it's not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross
What do you call a pig with good table manners?  Sick.
What is a Mexican astronomer's favorite food? A Quasar-dilla.
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat? She fits in to your wife's clothes.
Why is it called the "funny bone" when you hit your elbow on something and it tingles? Because it's humerus.
My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?! Me: Because my bed is at home.
What do you call a man who supports women's sports? A sports brah
shoutout to all the objects in my perceptual field. u know who u are ;)
"Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever."
Fact. The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.
Some random farmer stole all of my wheat. Talk about ill-gotten grains.
What do you call a bra stretched across a road? A booby-trap
[1st day as cop] captain: "why did you call for back up" me: "there was a fly in my car" swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"
I'm going to be filing a complaint with the shampoo company... My girlfriend recently dumped me and this "No Tears" stuff isn't working at all.
"I see!" said the blind man... ... as he picked up his hammer and saw.
There's nothing more deceitful than the word "booby trap".
How much semen does a gay guy have? A butt load.
Is that your cat? No, she's adopted. Me and my boyfriend, we can't have cats.
I once dated a 3 foot tall model who played a supporting role in Cat and the Hat She was a pretty little thing
I never buy Easter Seals... because I wouldn't know what to feed them. Norm McDonald
I wear a diaper for two reasons... Number one and number two.
What material is Mario's pants made out of? Denim denim denim.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym? An acronym stands for something
Ninety-eight percent of lawyers... give the other two percent a really bad name.
Chuck Norris is the reason for JAL flight 123
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio furniture.
Why are vampire families so close? Because blood is thicker than water.
You the bomb. No, you the bomb. A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
Why are there so few female politicians? It's hard to put makeup on two faces.
I read that 10 out of 2 people suffer from dyslexia
The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I've been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.
What's a racist's favorite dessert? Cake Cake Cake
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3? Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
Little known fact: Impotent men watch soft porn.
Play-Doh is a wonderful way to teach your children that colorful things will lie to you about their taste.
I'm going to make a movie about a guy in a turban who turns into a monster at night... ...it'll be called "Hyde &amp; Sikh".
Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking.
A priests asks the convicted murderer...... A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
Who is the president of the United States of America Donald Trump
Avin a shat on the big loo wif all me mates
I keep wanting to make a BDSM joke... ... but I keep getting tied up in the punchline.
"Get in the van if you want to live." Creepy Terminator...
If you're watching a Cops rerun and realize you've already seen that episode, you're officially no better than anyone on the show.
At Starbucks I order under the name Godot. Then leave.
Fur Coats will make you into a Man They really put hair on your chest.
Her: You don't have to cook me dinner, we can just go out. Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it's fine I don't mind..
Why did the Pollock cross the road? Because his dick was in the chicken.
i don't need a "previously on..." ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight
Two nuns are having a bath one turns to the other and asks "Where's the soap?" "Yes, it does." she replies.
How does an insane man get through the forest? By taking the psychopath. hhhhehehhehe good one right? yeh? no..? ok.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
NASA Says Signs of Water Flowing on Mars, Possible Niches for Life Willing to take a bath in that following water in Mars.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.
Guys, enough jokes about the Patriots... they are getting a little flat.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.
My wife told me to stop making holocaust puns today Im telling Jew i did Nazi that coming
Why monkeys make terrible drivers: bad depth perception, suffer from road rage & fling poop at other drivers.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Why did Samsung call it the Galaxy Note 7? Because "Kindle" was taken.
I've just got back from a funeral of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
A midget fortune teller killed his clients and fled... He is a small medium at large.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Well neither have they.
I had a dream I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram I was - like - 0MG.
My teacher was impressed with my mediocre computer programming project He gave me a C++!
I'm not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
What type of bagel can fly? A plain bagel
1,058,675,954,897 base-36 That is all.
[NSFW] My new girlfriend just introduced me to her fetish.... I didn't want to tell anyone, but I just had to get this shit off my chest.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later... Holy Shit!
whats the difference between jam and jelly? cant jelly my dick in your ass...
"Are you talking back to me?" "Mom, that's how a conversation works."
I blamed being late for work on Rush Hour... The next day I blamed it on Rush Hour 2 (Original credit goes to @murrman5 on twitter)
- Doctor, kiss me! - I can't. We, the doctors, follow a very strict work ethic that does not allow us to kiss our patients. Honestly speaking, I should have never even fucked you in the first place!
You mother is such a whore . . . she was hired on the spot at Pillsbury for her extensive yeast collection!
Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff? Amazon.
And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory" But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.
Why was the little strawberry sad? He found out his parents were in a jam
Why are terrorists eco-friendly? They're biodegradable.
Like my nana used to always say, "screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else"
TIL Trampolines were originally called Jumpolines.. ..until your mom jumped on one.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Donuts Consumed column.
I wish dogs had facial expressions because when he's obviously checking out my junk, I'd kind of like to know his opinion.
How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg? None. It fell down the stairs.
When I found out Top Gear was being cancelled... I was so shocked it was like a punch in the face.
What's black and runny? Usain Bolt.
Man, I really hate all these low level Pokemon... They're always breaking my balls.
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes a doctor and two nurses to get it out.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but you have to get them in there first.
The worst political jokes..... Are the ones that find themselves getting elected.
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo. Men 1952: I just fixed the roof. Men 2016: I just shaved my legs.
Blonde Joke of the day Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It's all a load of shit.
What did Harry Potter say when he found Dumbledore in bed with his godfather? Are you fucking Sirius?
*in-flight announcement* A SNICKERS IS JUST A MARS BAR WITH PEANUTS *struggling noises* PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO KN-
People who say "seriously, another one?" after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
I used to think I was schizophrenic. But then the voices in my head said I was fine.
I hate people who don't use the right "your" its either you're or your. there idiots
Why did everyone want to invite the mushroom to the party... Cause he was a fungi
What do you call two black guys on a white guy? ...half a sack
I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day. Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn't have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
What do you call a rapper who likes honey for breakfast? Sugar Puff Daddy
What do you call a puppy combined with bread? Well, It's not a purebread anymore.
Blonde joke "Nurse, could you please take Mr. Oliver's pulse?" "Why? Doesn't he have one of his own?"
I have sensitive teeth..... And I'm afraid I'll say something to hurt their fillings.
Corny Jokes Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house!!!! Knock Knock!!!! (You know what comes next,comment for the rest)
What's the difference between a woman and a plate? You can't lick a woman dry. Rimshot*
We call our new maid Non Sequitur. She's Latin and she doesn't follow.
I told my wife I want to try anal sex... She said she's been having anal sex for years. My entire life is the joke.
For every IT topic.... ... there is a YouTube video with Indian guy explaining it
Where were you born? Boss: Where were you born? Employ: India .. Boss: which part? Employ: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .
I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating. He said "Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop."
Noah: I need 2 of every animal Shark: even us? Noah: no, you can swim Unicorn: I'm pretty good at swimming Noah: go for it
Do I have a joke about periodic table of elements? Na
A new study showed... That crime is the leading cause of going to jail
I like my coffee Like I like my women Strong and free!
There were 99 people on a boat, and then it turned over. How many were left? 66.
spit your drink at the person sitting across from you and tell them it's because you were laughing at this.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi's: Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat. Thanks, The rest of us
I accidently pooped myself in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you'll give birth to half of a baseball team.
Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.
Did you hear Ant Man will be in Captain America 3? I hear it will be a small role
what does the Jewish midwife say to the Non-Jewish woman who just gave birth? It's a Goy !
Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it's probably a Jehovah's witness.
[a girl favs my tweet] [goes to pharmacy] one condom please
Which came first? the chicken or the egg? Niether. the rooster did. sorry if this has been said before. i just thought of it one day.
How many Jews can you fit in a car? (OFFENSIVE) Two in the front, 3 in the back, six million in the ash tray.
Two flying turtles found a rabbit inside a hole The rabbit cried out, "Is it midnight?"
One time an electrician came home drunk at four o'clock in the morning. "Wire you insulate?" his wife scolded. "Watts it to you?" he snapped. "I'm ohm, ain't I?"
What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman? Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?
Chicken Pot Pie sounds like a delicious 3 course meal.
Want to hear a two word joke? Woman's rights.
I am all for self-belief, self-worth, self-esteem but a woman declaring herself hot and complementing herself on her own beauty smacks of serious desperation, delusion and self-conceit.
Breaking news: Messi won't be playing against Netherlands He is suffering from extreme abdominal pain caused uncontrollable laughter caused by watching Brazil vs Germany
What do hip pigs call their ladies? Fine swine.
An elderly man was quite unhappy
For Sale: 2010 Honda Civic. Well maintained. Some Zipcar logos. Must purchase in next three hours.
What's long, brown, and sticky? A stick
[house hunting] Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Growing up, whenever I told my father, 'It's really nice out!'... He'd reply, 'Yeah, I had it out a minute ago, I thought it was great, too!' And so went my childhood...
Have you ever had sex in a tent? I have not, but I hear its fucking intense.
"Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?" *thief runs by, steals gold* "Hey! You!" Au, got it. Next element.
When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting 'No, man, I've got to go home.'
All work and no play makes Jack an unsuccessful stage performer.
I've just got back from the opticians. Apparently I have 20/20 hindsight. If only I knew when I was twelve.
I just told my wife I am getting her a monkey for her birthday. She went bananas.
Why did the cookie visit the doctor? He was feeling a little crummy.
What do you call a homosexual weight lifter? Trap Queen
What do they always forget to do after filming a season of Game of Thrones? The last one out is meant to get the Wights
When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.
me: *tries to help old lady cross the street* old lady: I have a boyfriend.
Why didn't the butterfly go to the dance? Because it was a moth ball.
If pigs could vote they'd always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he's the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.
Dark humor is like food. Not everybody gets it.
Note to self: Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.
I like my women...... I like my women like I like my coffee....... Ground up and in the freezer.
Your mama's so stupid She killed herself for life insurance
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Why are lawyers and their clients not allowed to engage in sexual relations? So the client doesn't get billed twice for getting fucked twice!
Why is a raven like a writing desk? Because they both drove Edgar Allen Poe straight into the grave.
Nothing beats a good math joke My penis is like an asymptote. It goes on forever but nothing ever touches it.
Where does a russian bird sleep? IN A COMMU-NEST
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes: *whack* "Dang!" A bad skydiver goes: "Dang!" *whack*
it's always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out* Kid: But that means- *Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Men are like prisms All that matters is length, width, and height.
My Girlfriend
What do we want? LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWwwwwwwww
Not only is my new thesaurus terrible But it's also terrible
What did the Hammerhead say to the Great White as they parted ways? I guess I'll see you around chum.
Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals. He's come a long way from grabbing privates.
You know whats sad? A depressed onion cutting itself.
Why Do Black People Run Fast? Because they have to run 3 kilometers and back everyday to get water.
I went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
Bunny Farts What's invisible and smells like carrots?
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? snow balls
What a weekend...trying to get the courage to look at my credit card statement from last night.
My neighbor claims to have a large collection of classic arcade games but I think it's just a case of 1UPmanship.
What did Jesus say to the flock of sheep? I herd that.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Guy hears his grand kids are coming for the first time. He gets all the parts and gear, spent six hours child-proofing his home. They still got in.
I'm in trouble with my wife. I totally forgot her special birthday' that was such a big deal apparently. Still, everything went fine and it was a healthy baby boy!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do. Me: ok *Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I don't know who decided that high heels were just for women but...GOOD CALL.
What is a Jewish dilemma ? Free ham.
How does Luke Skywalker get through the forest? Ewoks
Autocorrect just changed "Selfies" to "Selfless" so I just took a picture without me in it.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend's page.
What's the worst thing about being a professional alligator wrestler? You have to start off by being an amateur alligator wrestler.
If school isn't the place to sleep, then home isn't the place to study.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What does a chameleon that can't change color suffer from? Reptile disfunction
What are you listening to? The Who Who? Yes You're listening to Yes? No The Who Oh I like them No not Them. The band is The Who. The Band?
If it's important to you, you will find a way to make it happen. If it's not, you will find an excuse.
A man and his friend are having a conversation Man: When I was born, I was given the choice to either have a really good memory or a big dick Friend: Which one did you pick? Man: I don't remember
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids... I won!! No one's a match for me and my kettle.
why is it hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac? because they always take things literally!
I love hillary Clinton so much. It makes me weak at the knees.
What do you call a bag of tiny crosses? Jesus Pieces.
Why did the cook go to jail? For beating the eggs and whipping the cream!
I put the 'toast' in 'toaster'. Then I take the 'toast' out of the 'toaster'.
A father walks in on his daughter masturbating with a carrot and shouts for fuck sake i was going to eat that later now it's going to taste of carrot!
Chemistry Joke! Why can't acids argue well? All their statements are baseless.
I really hate my partners calling me the wrong name during sex. My name is not "Help" or "Get off me".
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
What would a pig name a chain of food stores? "Stop "N Slop Markets"
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman* DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I just realized the Dictionary.com app on my phone, reads out any word I type, including 'penis'. I can't wait for that meeting tomorrow.
I was going to have sex with my xbox but.. It made me microsoft
That redheaded snowboarder is pretty good, but he could be even better if he did some of his wacky prop comedy on the slopes.
What do tasty weiner's and attractive bitches have in common? They are both hot dogs.
Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I'll bet Petr Pan lives in Nether Netherland.
What's the motto of the Singaporean police? Big Brudder is watching you
I feel sorry for people that haven't found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.
Why did the man lost in the woods catch fire? He was heading west.
NASA finally completes plan to colonise moon. M:O:O:N
What is the opposite of /r/upliftingnews? /r/news
What do you call an eskimo peeping tom? Tom Tookalook. I'm sorry guys...
If uncle Jack helps you off an elephant ...would you help your uncle Jack off an elephant?
I'm like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
Bun B doesn't like Star Wars Because he is the real Trill O G
Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get their little legs apart?
They should make a competition on who can wipe on the toilet the fastest. But I wouldn't enter, because I couldn't give a shit
What is a horny pirates worst nightmare? A small chest with no booty!
In my opinion - until they add extra fries, a martini & a joint - they have no business calling it a Happy Meal
9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene... The other dentist is from England.
Eating noodles while studying for a test? That's so Ramen.
What's your most fucked up joke? I'm looking for the most cancerous jokes you can think of.
It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.
Dear Homework. They might be doing you, But They are always thinking about me. Sincerely FACEBOOK
Just made eye contact with a truck driver while eating a corn dog at a convenience store and now I hate everything.
Men: Don't lie to your woman, she'll catch you. Don't tell her the truth, she'll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
Who is your favorite X-Man? Mine is Bruce Jenner
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cabot ! Cabot who ? Cabotret !
What's green and has wheels? Grass... I lied about the wheels
HER:I love Tolstoy's take on the human moral struggle ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor
I just started giving a chicken and an egg handjobs. I will let you know.
Thor, the god of Thunder, was riding on his filly "I'm Thor!" he cried. The horse replied, "Then uthe a thaddle, thilly!"
I asked my wife to name an adjective that describes my penis... She replied "vestigial."
Brain: You've got ONE shot at this. Me: Ready. Brain: Go talk to her. "YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?" Brain: Magical!
Why did the puppy get away with committing murder? ...He had paws-able deniability.
What does a frenchman call a lesiban threesome? Tres bien
I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting,  but I decided to take the money.
What's the opposite of a gay bar? An allahu akbar.
Someone stole my mood ring And I don't know how I feel about it.
2 men walk into a bar One says ouch!
Why did the rabbi walk into the bar? Because he likes oldfashioned jokes.
What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants
When is the month when the most trees fall? Sep-timber
What do the French have between the 2nd and 3rd course? Intercourse.
We all know one person who was so much cooler when they were single.
Just read a book on Helium. Couldn't put it down.
3 guys go into a bar 3 Guys walking into a bar. A Mexican, a black guy, and and a jew. The bartender looks up and says, "get the fuck out"
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we're having a burrito fountain.
Sesame Street didn't prepare me for any of this bullshit.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a Mexican's job.
I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck... So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.
Rick Astley will give you any movie from his Pixar collection... ...But he's never gonna give you Up.
What did the lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire? "See you next month"
Condoms... Are for pussies.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Bible thumpers... Are all the Psalm.
How do you know when there is a snowman in  your bed ? You wake up wet !
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
A man crashed his car A man crashed his expensive car into a tree... He finally found out how the Mercedes bends
What's the worst thing to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison? The headlines read "Small Medium at Large"
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.
I wanted to put an England flag in my garden... I wanted to put an England flag in my garden but wasn't sure if it would offend muslim extremists. So I wrote 'Allah is a twat' on it just to make sure.
Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them they disappear.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Hitler.
St. Patrick's Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
how much does a deer cost? its "radyr" - its funny because in Denmark radyr means two things - "very expensive" and "doe"
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Overheard 2 dad's at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me. Joke's on them. I don't have kids.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
POP RACIST MATH PROBLEM QUIZ! Jamal has $600 rims on his car. He's traveling at 45 mph. How many children does Jamal have? show your work.
How do monkeys go down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster! :D
Thai masseuses are deceitful bitches Give them a chance and they'll walk all over you
Q: What did the tree say to the mountain? A: Stop peaking at me.
hey it's me, the girl who just googled "chemistry alphabet" when i meant "periodic table"
One way to tell if what you're watching isn't really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving? It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.
Woke up to a beautiful May morning Then we all exchanged gifts and sang carols.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her lover? See you next month
remember when we were younger and we all thought 'bob' was a really common name but how many bobs do u actually know
Is there any Indian left? No, there's naan left.
How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb Trick question, feminists can't change anything
Movie theaters do not explicitly prohibit saxophones during showtime so feel free to play your saxophones during showtime
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
If every house in Mexico isn't perfectly landscaped and each bed isn't impeccably made then what in the fuck?!
Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn't always talking about the liquor.
What do you call Bono's stupid brother? Duno...
You should never be sad. Because sad backwards is das.. ..and das not good.
You don't have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
"What's for dinner?" Updog & chips. "Does updog have gluten in it?" No..wait..you're supposed to say... "You know I can't have gluten Karen"
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow  raincoat people said "Taxi!"
I'm starting a combination Frozen Yogurt shop and news stand.. It will be called Froyo Information.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.
Producer: Would you call your leading  lady ugly? Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.
Won't do that again Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Mason jars are the skinny jeans of glasses.
What did the demonic junkie get charged with? Two counts of possession
Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket? Because baggers can't be choosers.
If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico. Not by choice though.
Everybody thinks I am a psychopath... but I don't care what they think.
What do whores and sailors have in common? They are both always surrounded by sea - men! I made up this one.
Frodo and Sam are going to start a band... Called; Imagine Baggins
For Christmas this year, I decided to go all out and ask Santa for something black and shiny and will go 0 to 300 in 2 seconds. I got a scale.
I invented a new word Plagiarism
Rabbits... Rabbits bang like there's no fucking tomorrow.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Why does granny have black eyes? She was skipping without her bra
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
What's an archaeologist? Someone whose career is in ruins.
What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed? A seasoned veteran.. I'm so sorry
{about to have sex} Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Obi-wan: It's over Anakin! I have the high ground! Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way* Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
So how was the tourettes convention? SHIT
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I need to chat with my coworker's husband.. If he was bangin' her properly, we wouldn't have to deal with her bad attitude..
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall
CW: It's gonna get cold! Me: You're gonna die. CW: Excuse me? Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
[narrating a commercial for therapy] "For a 100 bucks an hour we'll blame your mother."
Why is the number eight afraid of the number seven? Because seven ate nine.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off people thought she was backing up
Hi, I'm hosting a party with dinner & drinks on Friday 14th Feb for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't cum let me know.
Immortality would suck. I don't want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Why did King Arthur leave no heir? He was legendary for pulling out.
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%. - Me explaining to my son why he can't have a sister.
My girlfriend called me a pervert... but what does she know, she's only 13 years old.
Sex has a speed limit It's 68, because when you get to 69 you have to turn around
Today I just turned 17! That makes me over 3.55 x 10^14 years old.
I'm not a racist. I can't even run.
We sent you an email, please check... please check your junk... Mail.
What did the Soviet man have to say about the Nazis? U SS R the worst
I wonder what the bees inside Wilma Flintstone's vibrator talked about: "Another fight with Fred? Looks like we're working overtime again."
Which web developer enjoys finding bugs? A spider!
Kia or Nokia? There is a company called Kia and a company called no Kia. I'm not sure who to believe...
My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands
What ringtone have you got? Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got?" Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown
What do you call a stock broker having sex in the middle of his work? Insid'er trading. http://i.imgur.com/oTp4lvG.gif
SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo- SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.
I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please. "Sir, that is a sleeping bag" *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme? Pepperidge farm remembers.
My boyfriend stole my banana... My boyfriend stole my banana so I called him out on it. He said, "Oh I'm sorry. I can get you another banana that's just as yellow."
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I'm eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn't get the wrong idea.
I'm a giver. *gives you a hard time*
Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.
A good pickup line is "I have a phone charger."
What is Link's favorite hotel? Hyaaaaatt!
I turn 39 years old today. But they're Canadian years.
I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Yo' mama is so stupid... (OC) She thinks Salmonella is a Disney fish princess.
Piggybaccks are like blowjobs Its only really fun for one person, and in both, someone gets off
My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.
Doctor Strange, Weird Al, and Oddjob walk into a bar... that's a very unusual event.
What are the similarities between fat chicks and bricks? they both get laid by mexicans
I walked into a disabled toilet It was autistic
Invention a German engineer has just invented a land mine that looks like a prayer mat. You should invest in this because prophets are going through the roof!
sometimes when i feel stupid, i look at the comments on the Walmart facebook page and feel better.
Why does Richard have a small dick? Because Dick is short for Richard.
I must be emotionally constipated ...because I haven't given a shit in days
Why do sovereign citizens never turn on the lights? The sound of electricity triggers their PTSD.
'original' is my second name . . . 'un' is my first
How do you spot Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for the fresh prints.
Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it would scare the shit out of the dog.
In Driver's Ed we drove past a sign that said "Wildlife Crossing" My instructor said, "That must be for them colored students."
Australians don't have sex They mate
LPT: Don't waste a bit more money for the brand-name bleach; it isn't any different than the bargain brand They taste exactly the same
My dick is so big that if I laid it out on the keyboard... ...I would probably be escorted out of the Mac store.
My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today. She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert
Heard this one at work today I called out order number 404 Guy comes up and says "I thought I would never find it!"
What was Jesus favorite games? Hangman and lacrosse
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
how come there aren't more babies named Pizza
I wish I could crowd surf to work.
What type of lunch do you get at an air show? A plain one.
"YOLNT" -Cats
If life gives you melons... you're probably dyslexic.
What do you call it when you play Nintendo games because you have nothing better to do? Ennwii
[first date] Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know? Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
what's the difference between my television and my wife? my friends wait til i'm home to use my television
TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time Without looking like a twat
What's the difference between a High School girls track team and a tribe of pigmy? Pigmies are a cunning bunch of runts.
Wild horses could easily drag me away. Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick. A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
So I'm in the process of house hunting... The deer population has gone out of control in my living room
A new study shows that men's eyesight improves by an average of 15% when they are looking at a woman's butt. Hindsight really is 20/20.
Whats the difference between a pussy and a freezer? The Freezer dosen't fart when you take the meat out.
Pizza is something you love for a half hour before you eat it... ...like a baby.
What were the favorite Linux text editors of 8 randomly selected Monty Python fans? vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, emacs, and vim.
My phone doesn't auto capitalize the 'G' in god but it auto capitalizes the 'K' in Kevin. So now I worship Kevin.
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex... Yes, three times in 35 years
Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new  brain transplant? A: She sneezes.
Which type of bees make milk? Boo-bees
My pet mouse Elvis died today He got caught in a trap.
I renamed my dad "Death" in my phone's contacts. Just so I remember that life can always get worse.
i was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Dad joke I just had with my girlfriend GF: *sigh GF: *sigh GF: *sigh Me: That's like 3 sighs in 30 seconds. GF: And they all probably meant different things. Me: I guess I need to know sigh language.
"Mary had a little lamb. had." -wolf
Why do asian women like white men so much? Because they don't wanna look at themselves, when they have sex.
A poor virgin had a big black guy as a landlord Now he's just poor.
Q: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A: A receding hare-line.
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
*i before e except after c. Unless you're an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right? Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
A man was recently arrested For having sex with a van. You can say he's... vansexual.
It turns out "Flasher" wasn't one of the reindeer and I'm being asked to leave this holiday party.
Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? Because she's probably thick and tired of it!
What do ducks do at Christmas time? They duckerate cookies.
Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry
Sex is a lot like pizza... Even when it's bad, you still have to pay for it.
Did you hear about the new emo website? www.emo.com/wrists
I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "Work hard, Pray hard".... I couldn't tell if there were Christians or Asians.
What is a rocket's favorite meal? Launch! Another one from my 9 year old.
How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, two, two
What do you call 6.022*10^23 butts? Molasses
What do you do when your one night stand doesn't take Plan B? Plan C-ya.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[Leaving ballgame] Officer: have you been drinking? Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can't afford to get drunk there.
What's your favorite pickup line? Mine is the Ford F Series.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I'm about as self-helpful as they come.
[gets pulled over] cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" [i've swapped places with the dog] me: "answer the man"
My son has the worst altitude ever. He's defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.
Yo mama's so ugly Even her dildo went limp.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt] "No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon"
I like my woman like a I like a flight * Easy to find online * Baggage free * Willing to serve hot food
I have invented a revolutionary drug that can cure third-world hunger... Just take one little pill with a meal 3x per day.
Why is Superman wanted by the police? He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.
*Sits straight up in bed* "THE CHILDREN" *Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My girlfriend used to do flashy shows on a chair for me. It was electrical.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
Q: How does a wizard keep his potions safe from burglary? A: With a warlock.
Black names Once you've heard one, you've heard Jamal.
What's the hardest thing about becoming a lawyer in Ireland? Passing the bar.
When I walk through the produce aisle I feel that the fruit is conspiring against me, and that gets on my nerves.... I don't know, maybe I'm just pear-annoyed.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Jose and Hose B. It sounds better when said aloud.
What do you call a really bad driver in France? A woman.
What do you call a girl who friend zones you? M'lady
Oh my god Becky look at her roast beef sandwich
Why did the Face of Bo go to the party by himself? Because he had no body to go with.
What is Mario's favorite search browser? YYYYAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I will leave now)
A man walks into a doctors office with a duck on his head... Duck says "doc, you gotta get this guy out of my ass!"
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I'm more excited to see my suitcase come down the baggage carousel at an airport than I am to see most people.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I'm in the floor hanging on for dear life.
If Oscar De La Toya Jackson isn't the best drag queen name ever, I don't know what I'm doing in these heels and boxing gloves anymore.
What do I call my pasta friend? Ma Caroni! (my crony)
The longest relationship I had was 10 days. Then she deflated.
You've been warned TO WHOEVER STOLE MY BROKEN BATHROOM SCALE. YOU WON'T GET A WEIGH WITH THIS!
"Decide you want it more than you're afraid of it" -Bill Cosby Well, we all see where that got him.
Contrary to popular criticism, Hillary doesn't suck. If she does, Bill wouldn't have needed Monica.
I have a thing for women with dark hair and dark eyes, and that thing is called a penis.
Hate is a strong word... I prefer the term "want to stab them thirty-seven times in the chest."
I tried to post a joke about foreskin earlier... but it got removed
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it's thin crust/ light cheese so basically it's a salad .
I had this roomate who was weird I used to write and one day I turned around. He had his cock out on my writing paper and was drawing a line around it. I never should have moved in with Dick Tracy.
I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.
The biggest joke of 2015.. When you have Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, and Deez Nuts running for President.
My girlfriend says if this post will get 1000 upvotes she'll start to exist :'(
Your Momma so fat when I download porn of her on the Internet I exceed my monthly data cap
I got a new clock at IED.com
So you're all Obama fans now? Name 3 of his albums.
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar :-)
Stars! They're just like us! Gaseous and dying
Two cannibals are having a chat... "I've become a vegetarian you know." "But I just saw you eat that man!" "He was a Swede"
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting together on a bench when a young boy walks by... "Let's fuck him!" says the priest. "Out of what?" asks the rabbi.
Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been four days since my last tweet. Because, you know... weed and Sudoku.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent, featuring nickelback
Why did the EU start downloading random stuff to it's computer? It had freed up one GB of space.
What happens to a Canadian's car when it breaks down? The owner calls Triple Eh.
My friend's boyfriend is an optometrist and a sadomasochist. She says he's a real sight for sore eyes even though he can be a pain in the ass.
Italian Hot Tub What was the Italian hot tub that was so small it's occupants always bumped into each other called? Ja-scusi.
The Great Yarn Race **Joe:** Did you hear about the great yarn race? **Jane:** No. Who won? **Joe:** Well, they had to weave their selves through the obstacles and in the end, it was a tie.
It was so cold out this morning... ...that I saw a lawyer sticking his hands in his *own* pockets.
The fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn't funny. I just want to live life again.
[Spelling bee] Your word is Monogamous. M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S *2 Judges stare at each other* 1st judge *nods* 2nd judge: "We'll allow it"
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night My next shit could spell trouble
What did the fish say when he hit the wall? damn.
How do mermaids have sex? They mermate
Did you hear about that guy who had the entire left half of his body chopped off? He's dead now.
Granny Smith must have been a shitty person because her apples suck.
I always use 09/11 as my pass code... ... so I'll "never forget."
What does Leia say when she needs help? I think I could use a Han here.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally. Classic rook-y mistake.
How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car? Put him in the front.
Limbaugh is leaving the US because of Health Care Reform? Well good luck finding a country with indoor plumbing but no socialized medicine!
I've lost my boyfriend! He's in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Why doesn't Gabe Newell play basketball? Because he can't make 3's
So I tried catching some fog today... I mist.
Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died? Because his life had no porpoise.
The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he's really cute...
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try. I've got this. *grabs a hammer*
When Miley Cyrus... When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it's "Art" and "Music. When I do it, I'm "Wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot"
Sometimes I'm so pessimistic, I feel like a German vegetarian I'm always fearing the wurst
I bet Oscar Pistorius has a rough time in prison. He can't even stand up for himself.
The parachute making business must be great! Because nobody ever comes back to complain about a failed chute!
Why is Donald Trump popular in the Antarctic and Arctic? Because he's doing well in the poles.
What did Alan Rickman say as he stood over David Bowie's grave? Mind if I Slytherin?
Nice try, fat girls ordering a salad on the first date. Nice try.
What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley
Nice try traffic, but I'm not murdering anyone today.
Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand.
Being successful is like being pregnant.. ..Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you've been fucked.
Did you hear about the new condoms for frogs? They're rrrrribbet for her pleasure!
My performance as "guy who acts disgusted when wife says our recently divorced neighbor is dating a 23 year old" is getting early Emmy buzz.
My Altima's name is Liam Nissan
I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
"I'll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself." Drunks and 1 year olds.
It must've been so fun to live in ancient Egypt because everything you wrote was an emoji
What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight? It becomes DAYTROGEN!
I'm developing a new dandruff shampoo designed specifically for pubic hair. I'm going to call it Knees and Toes.
Adolescent Sex Limerick There once was a girl named Sue, who really knew how to screw. She would grab my little dick, make it as hard as a stick then ride it until I blew.
If you don't believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
The Pope has the bird flu. He got it from his cardinals.
Getting laid for me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle easy if i have a knife
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? A: The bucket.
Why don't priests like people having sex while standing? It might lead to dancing
Why are spiders like tops ? They are always spinning !
What is the poorest tree in the forest? The burr-oak tree.
I was just watching some porn and I've got to tell you, I don't think those girls were REALLY studying before they started fooling around.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two TROUT: I don't know, who could it be?! BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
How many aspiring actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know - normally they screw in the casting director's hot tub
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they've fallen asleep on the train.
I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
How ironic is it that gay marriage is legal, but conservatives are the ones getting butthurt?
Children are demo versions of humans.
On Thanksgiving, how does Miley Cyrus stuff her bird? You don't want to know.
You can joke about anything you want, just not Mexicans That's crossing the border
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Why do Jewish women like circumsized penis' Because they're all 20% off
Now that it's abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.
Doctor: I'm sorry son, it appears you have... Jenga-itis Me: [trying to pull the doctor's shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
All-Girls High School "The number one most commonly used phrase in any all-girls high school is 'behind my back!' The second most common is 'right to my face!'" - Celia Pacquola
Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes. Because my ex couldn't ever take one.
It's never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she's on a whole other level.
In New York, someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
"My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, "You're the third one this week"
"Do drugs!!" - Reverse psychology drug prevention program
All my friends are getting jobs, engaged, or married. I'm just getting more awesome.
What do you call a cow thats had a hysterectomy? Decaffeinated.
I just found out I'm going to be a father!!! My wife will be pretty mad when she finds out.
What is a slut ? A woman with the morals of a man
Why couldn't the t-rex find a mate? Because he had a reptile dysfunction.
But you wouldn't understand it I'd Tell you a Reverse Joke
I was walking though a forest With a young girl the other night and she said "I'm scared" I said "Your scared, I've gotta walk back on my own"
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn't removed the one from yesterday
The phrase "A stone's throw" has been discontinued. Please use "In Wifi range" from now on.
I can't believe I have to recharge my stupid phone every night or it shuts down *sleeps for 8 hours every night*
"I have found our arguments quite useful - almost as useful as those I had with my father." - Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword* you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later. 
What's the difference between a corpse and a Chinese baby girl? 5 minutes
Have you guys ever heard of the restaurant Five Guys? Because your girlfriend always like to go there for "burgers."
I'm a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog "The War Atrocity Babe"
Trump is like The Room. It's so bad, it's so good.
Restaurant Activity: Walk over to a table of strangers and ask, "Who ordered the farts?" Then, fart.
After decades of study, scientists finally decode whale song. "Moo. Moo. Moooooooooo. Moo."
Is it just me... or are circles pointless?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word? Me: Velocity. Co-Worker: ...
A hard worker got a promotion. Thats the joke.
What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad? The frog goes "Ribbit ribbit" and the horny toad goes "rub it rub it."
This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable.
what do you call a magical dog? A Labracadabrador.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.
How do drugs end up in prison? They get smuggled in by some asshole.
HEY. Our ancestors didn't eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work WIFE: Why ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom WIFE: so kill it ME:[whispering] its got my gun
its 2013 and mcdonalds still doesnt serve breakfast all day
"Bite me, asshole" - grammatically correct and scathing "Bite me asshole" - kinky pirate
When a rapper gets beer, how much do they get? A Two Pack
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I'm skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Oxygen and Magnesium are going out OMg!!
Son, there's only one thing in life to fear. [Car full of bears with machine guns drives by] Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil? No? Oh well. There'sno point to it, anyway.
*drinking water without ice* This must be what it feels like to be in prison.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer... I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick...
My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp... I simply refused.
TGIF - A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside ...
I just ran for the train so I think I'm good on running for a couple years.
I'm proud of this groaner, even if it gets downvoted more than a duck winning an election.
What does an LGBT rabbi call a blessing? a brucea
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can't talk cause we both said "hope we don't die haha" at the same time and i jinxed him
congrats Seahawks on winning the super bowl from all of here in the 3rd world countries
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a  hyena ? I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs !
There's no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.
When I said 'You can't buy my love.' I meant with your salary.
Why does no one buy food for a platypus? They always have a big bill!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said "This is what happens to roses who cross me"
What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends? There's not mushroom in here
Rape isn't funny.. Especially if you're being raped by Dane Cook. Than its totally not funny.
Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.
I was in the gym. "1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted. "Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!"
Hey grocery store cashiers that try to guess what we're going to cook- Shut up.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself. Me: Yes. She did that.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office... Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the backdoor.
Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do. Therefore, I am your mother.
Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you're supposed to pick them up?
You know what the difference between an SUV and a rental car is? You can take a rental car *anywhere*.
What kind of computer sings? A Dell
"Jesus loves you." A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Look for only $87 billion we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up.
How can you tell a blonde is having a really bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!
Pro tip for picking up girls  keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There's no dental records and all the DNA matches
A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday.So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.
A Roman guy walks into a bar He holds up two fingers and says "five beers please"
Looks like Putin is having Turkey for Thanksgiving aff
What do planets do to follow each other on SpaceTube? Sunscribe.
A woman goes into a sex shop to buy a vibrator... She says to the guy behind the counter "give me that red one behind you" he goes "sorry a fire extinguisher"
How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.
My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?
I think the girl I just met may be a goddess... because even though she's never talked to me, later tonight billions will be massacred by my hand in her name.
My parents used to tell me this one. Where did the general keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
What trees do skeletons like? S*pine* trees!
Why do gypsies suck at basketball? They always travel and their stealing attempts end up failing.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
You ever seen a Polish trailer? And..here we are.
The difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is staggering.
The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.
I never date left handed women Righty Tighty Lefty Loosey
What gets wetter the more you dry? A woman on a tumble dryer! (Bet you thought I was gonna say 'a towel', didn't you, silly redditors?)
No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
Did you hear about the guy with no penis? He just comes out of nowhere.
An unhinged neurosurgeon, a tech CEO, and a Southern Baptist preacher walk into a bar... they all ask for your vote
Dutch girl I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Anti jokes A man walks into a bar, his alcoholism is destroying his family.
*girl smokes weed 1 time doesnt even get high* *spends next 3 days drawing mushrooms with highlighters*
Who is the brother of Juan Luna? Edi si AnTWOnio Luna. Yeah yeah, the result of being stuck in the traffic. XD
My girlfriend calls me Ronda Rousey Because I only last 45 seconds in the ring.
LPT: To clean all your clothes on laundry day Do laundry naked
Old Mrs. Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her old dog a bone. But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, so he gave her a bone of his own
Have you heard about the man that sells corn? He's a bit... ...Corny...
Want to hear a joke about digging? Never mind actually. It's boring.
Today it's National Take Off Your Cap Day Hats off to whoever founded it.
You should never have sex with your family member. No matter how much they incest!
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the 'Dime Store', great, now I've got to go all the way to the 70s.
I stayed up late last night to watch the greatest boxing match of all time Ali vs. Parkinsons
Women in England are hos! They've always ready to put some chapstick on their lips.
I started a three-way with a Chicken and Egg. I'll let you know.
[Interview with a time traveller] "What's life like in the year 3000?" It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
What's the difference between Donald Trump and /r/Jokes? Nothing. They both manage to stay popular despite a whole load of crap.
A grasshopper walks into a bar... and the bar keep says: "Hey, I've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies: "You have a drink named Bob?"
Q: What's an archeologist? A: Someone whose career is in ruins.
Is there a button you can push to take back when you're accidentally nice to someone, so they know you still hate them?
What do you get if you cross a monster with a  flea? Lots of very worried dogs.
I'm so single, the variables I declare are double.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Never tell someone that it would work out if "only they lived closer". Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I don't see enough dead people.
Mom: I'm worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don't worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: ... ( Worried face)
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying "Dark" Vader I may have to sell him.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this.
When you start trying to pick out names for a baby, you realize how many jerks you know with different names.
Like a Boss - Employee Gets Owned! Boss: "Send me one of your funny jokes." Employee: "I'm working at the moment. I will send you one later." Boss: "That was fantastic! Send me another one!"
What do you call an aminoacid glued to an Australian? A glutamate.
A guy goes to the doctor because he wants to get a prescription for a laxative... After a few checks the doctor nods and says: "yep, you're full of shit." and hands him a prescription.
The first mate on a pirate ship sees the captain with a wheel in his pants... The first mate asks why the helm is there and the captain replies, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson One of them did the moonwalk, the other had sex with boys
Why don't British people pronounce their T's? They left them in the Boston Harbor
What type of bonds deals with the bad guys? James
What's a woman ideal husband? An archaeologist. The older she gets the more interested he becomes.
Your parents brought you up! Don't bring them down.
My girlfriend and I decided to make a sex tape. But I came too quickly so we made a Vine. (Saw something similar in a meme so I can't take the credit)
"You won't like me when I'm angry. Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources." The Credible Hulk.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator? My refrigerator doesn't fart when I pull my meat out of it.
I miss the good old days when boot camp was for soldiers, not pudgy sorority girls attempting to get in shape for Spring Break.
Why did Adele cross the road To say hello from the other side
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. Then the librarian told me to take it out. hehehehehe
What did the writing utensil take for his high sugar level? Pencil-in.
How did the witch almost lose her baby? She didn't take it far enough into the woods.
One women's "oh hell no that's gross" is another women's "oh please do that again".
Why did the priest go to the gym? For muscle mass. I thought of this one in the shower this morning.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker? She goes to the bathroom.
Why didn't the paraplegic look in the mirror? He couldn't stand to see himself like that.
Rapper Why did the rapper carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. :)
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheel chair.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
A Redditor sees a comment that he doesn't agree with... ...and gives it an upvote because it's a valid point.
Dad-Son Dad: There's this test we need to go for. Son: You never told me earlier! I'm going to fail now. Dad: It's a DNA test. You have to pass.
Golf, except there's no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
David had his ID stolen yesterday... So we call him Dav now.
TIL that Paradise, Nevada was completely paved over at one point. To put up a parking lot
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they'll dig the wrong way. It's called thinking ahead guys.
What's the best joke you've heard
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it's making it that much harder to poison him.
Think of a thing. Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When does a pentagon not have 5 sides? When it's intersected by a plane
What do you call a Catholic Missionary who is also a car enthusiast? A Catholitic Converter
Five second rule? Pfft. What's the point of having an immune system if you're not going to use it?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Teacher : What is a comet ? Pupil : A star with a tail Teacher: Can you name one ? Pupil: Lassie !
I bet if I got one of those jumbo 16-slice toasters, people would finally take me seriously.
I got pulled over for speeding So, I really don't have the patience to type this long ass joke on my phone, but my wife's a whore.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I'm being very selective so she learns to have standards
tried to sign up for Obamacare via my SEGA Dreamcast web browser only to learn its not supported. This is 1,000x worse than Benghazi.
There's nothing worse when I bring a girl home from a bar and she's in still in my bed the next morning That's when the smell of a corpse really begins to take effect
A club sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don'tserve food here."
The Heist A man walks into the bank with a pistol. He aims the gun at his head and yells, "Give me the money!".
"I just went on a hike and suddenly I can tell everyone what's right and wrong." -Moses
What type music should you practice before doing something dangerous? Safety measures.
What's the American settler's spirit animal? The groundhog.
Waiter there's a dead fly in my soup! What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
What do you call it when Hitler pees? Fuhrenating.
Two snares and a cymbal walk off a cliff. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU
How can I give myself a 12 inch penis? Fold it in half. ( ) 
What do you call a fast zombie? A zoombie
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered six offender
what did the angry German man say when he was asked to count to 10? NEIN!!!
LPT: When you can't think of something to say to a girl, just tell her a joke about the titanic. It will really break the ice.
Jim Henson's first job was operating The Godfather logo.
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. "Making breakfast. ;)" "Walking the dog. ;)" "Broke in to your house ;)"
I just patented a new device that allows you to pee while watching a movie... It's called the "Catheater".
There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery... One day the group leader comes in and says "I see a lot of new faces this week... I must say, I'm disappointed!"
I always put both of my arms inside of my shirt when I'm pulled over because most officers will go easy on drivers who don't have any arms.
To my fellow graduates; don't you forget about me Just something to instil into your simple minds. I am *not* proud of this.
What's scary about a white man in prison? You know he did it
I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn't for everyone.
Before I go swimming in the ocean... I always slather myself in marmite, that way I have a 50% chance of not getting eaten by a shark.
You can lead whore to water... But you can't make her sink...easily.
The New 20 Dollar Bill Will Only Be Worth 12 Dollars Thanks to the 3/5ths compromise.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Dad: Whadya got there son? Son: Soy milk. Dad: Hola milk, soy tu padre.
Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."
A salesman came to my door and tried to sell me a coffin. "Nah, thats the last thing I'll need"
In the 1945-6 Nuremberg Trials what should have been the opening statement from the defence counsel representing the Nazi War criminals? 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.'
"Heh. This guy doesn't even know I ate his candy bar.", Tom snickered.
I like my jokes how I like my women Reposted and reused.
Have you heard about the slippery eel ?  Didn't think so you wouldn't be able to grasp it !sna
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan. Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear? Camembert!
Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
I know a lesbian couple who used to breed fighting roosters they were the only lesbian couple in the world who raised cocks
What cow produces milk and potatoes Your mother.
It's not true that a married man will live longer than a single man It just seems longer
They say it's the journey that matters and not the destination, which is good because I've no clue where I'm going.
A Man Comes into a Bar So a man comes into a bar... or wait no a horse. a man comes into a horse
Why is it so cold at Christmas? It's in Decembrrrrr.
After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back "Listen idiot, you're drunk. Just go lay down"
Have you heard the joke about German sausage? It's the wurst.
Every time Beyonce types out her name, she has to google "Pokemon" and then copy/paste the "e".
A seal walks in to a club... haha
That's some crazy news about corn on the cob... Oh, I'm surprised you didn't **ear** about it!
Happy 420 to me, Happy 420 to me, Its not 4/20 anymore, But fuck it, Its 420 to me!
Dogs were the first social justice warriors They hate mailmen.
What does Joan Jett use when her lips are chapped? Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry balm!
I'm very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
When is your door annoying? When it'sa Jar-Jar.
"Describe yourself in three words" "Incapable of following basic instructions and cool"
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Dam
What did the city worker say after his first ever pony trek? I never knew anything stuffed with hay could be so hard!
Two bacteria walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any bacteria in this bar. The two bacteria say, "Hey, but we work here. We're staph."
Every one knows about Elvis Everyone knows about Elvis the Pelvis. Less is known about his brother Inis.
What do Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common? Both want to be real boys
A book fell on my head today... I can only blame myshelf.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My girlfriend has lost all feeling from her waist down.... what an insensitive cunt.
My dad was a very active advocate for women's rights... My mom wanted to be as well, but my dad wouldn't allow it.
I'm gonna sell my vacuum cleaner. It's just collecting dust
The worst time to hear I told you so is when you end up saying it to yourself.
Apparently the police think the murder weapon was a colander. But that theory doesn't hold water.
*gets crushed by a bus* *checks to see if phone is intact*
What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company? One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.
What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day? A wet one.
I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. I'll never mistake superglue for lube again.
The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
What do you call the butt end of a banana? The bananus
Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.
What kind of fish loves to fix instruments? A tuna.
Q: How old is Tyrion Lannister? A: Peter Dinkl-age
Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I'll be murdered
Why does America have so many boasting Republicans? Because it needs some bragging rights.
No matter how many Madea movies they make, I believe that Tyler Perry just likes to wear ladies clothes. PERIOD!
There's two things I can't stand in this world: people intolerant of other's cultures... and the Dutch.
How does Sean Connery shave? Control + S
I read an article about the dangers of drinking and it scared the crap out of me... ...so I decided to swear off reading.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Drank orange juice right after brushing my teeth so I think I know what death feels like.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
What's concurrency? Fake money they use in prisons.
Don't scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[couples therapy] Mrs: he's too handsy, always touching me all over... Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS...
"Doctor I get heartburn every time I eat  birthday cake." "Next time take off the candles."
Did you hear about the houseboat that crashed? Everything but the kitchen sank! lol it's shitty but this is what happens when i zone out at work
*makes 58008 on an abacus and turns it upside down* dammit
One night a woman undressed in front of her husband... "what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Asked the wife The husband looked her up an down an said, "your sense of humor."
Did you hear about the oompah loompah marathon? Contestants are running short.
What does a radical sheep say? Allahu Ak-Baa!
evrytime i go to the zoo, i break down in front of the bird exhibits & shout HOW DID THEY CATCH YOU. U CAN FLY. HOW DID U LET THEM CATCH YOU
How does a duck pay for lipstick? She puts it on her bill
Oedipus apartment complex Attractive like your mom
What's the difference between a cat and a period? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a period is a pause at the end of a clause.
I'm the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.
My wife just said to me that i'm a Pedophile and it is wrong -Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old.
Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.
How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb? We're on our sixth.
What's the difference between scouts and jews? The scouts return from camp.
What did the LOTR fan say to the LOTR hater? What are you Tolkien about...
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
There are two types of people in this world. Those that need closure.
My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game
My wife looks for signs I'm cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Trump would be an amazing dentist He is against anything that's not white and straight.
I look like Danny DeVito's sloppy seconds.
French pastries are scary They give me the crepes.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Eats Her Feelings Julie'.
Two guys were walking down the street. . . One guy turns into a building, the other one goes, "Oh my God! How the fuck did you do that?!"
Best place to hide something nobody will see? Page two of Google
Why was the calendar nervous? It's days were numbered!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Republican whose wife is a member of the Kennedy family. That makes him and his family...The Red Kennedys.
If you keep laughing then you'll always have the last laugh.
Idea for a podcast: Friends hang out together and have deep and meaningful discussions and nobody records it and it's not a podcast.
How many people does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one guy with a really weird fetish.
I used to be a huge fan of Jesus Christ... but then he got double crossed.
Hub: Still mad? Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill H: To fetch a pail of water M: Jack fell down & died a violent death Hub: Ok, still mad
yo mama is Yo' Mama is so ugly, her imaginary friend played with other kids.
What's Master P's favorite fruit? Uhh' banananaaaaaa
Not quite feeling myself today. I'm going to see if booze helps...
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Why do hippies wear pachouli?? So blind people can hate them to
Are you an elixir? Because you made my PP go up.
Personally, I don't think it would feel good to be walking on sunshine. The sun is a fucking hot ball of gas.
What did Michael Phelps say after the Mens 200m? I would've gotten second if it weren't for you medaling kids.
Nothing warms the heart more than a father teaching his son how to clear his history.
Why couldn't the post-it note make it to his son's birthday party? Because he was stuck at the office!
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children... Then you'd better go check to see what's broken.
[Alien monster is levelling Toronto] CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?
What language do bees speak? The beesnese
A shrinking man walks into a doctors office. The receptionist says, "you'll have to be a little patient".
I'm really tired all the time, I think I have stereo... It's like I have mono times two
I used to drink beer in my underwear but now I use a glass.
Nothing makes me feel less like you really do wish me the best than signing your emails "Best,".
I spent the entire day hanging out at the swimming pool Until someone told me and I eventually tucked it back in.
Hebrew Jokes How do you get a Jewish number........ you role up her sleeve
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.
What do French people call a really bad Thursday? A trajeudi.
No, of course I'm not mad. It's fine. *goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that'll keep me awake tonight.
What's a female lizard's favorite song? "Girls just iguana have fun".
Water polo was invented After a particularly heated game of ICE Hockey
What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly.
If you could have one super power what would it be? Cold War Russia.
The people of Pompeii... Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD
Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.
What did the Math book say to the pencil? I see your point; I've got a lot of problems.
What do you call a clock you wear on your belt? A waist of time
I know this sucks to say, but I hate when I root for a reality show contestant all season, and then in like episode 9 they mention The Lord.
People who joke about cancer... Have no sense of Tumor
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*licks ice cream cone Cone: I have a boyfriend.
When does Sean Connery enjoy playing his favorite sport? Ten-ish.
I don't tell god how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my god is.
What did the blind man say when he walked into the fish market? "Good morniiiiiiing ladies!"
How many jews can u fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and about 6 million in the ashtray. ..
What do Swimming and Masturbation have in common? You have to get through a lot of fluid to find the perfect stroke.
Did you hear what happened at the indian restaurant yesterday? Apparently it was a Naan event.
Mr. Tripler, your U.S. Patent request for "YO I WANNA PATENT MY NEIGHBORS CAT MORPHEUS SO HE MINE NOW" has been declined.
Men are funnier than women Scientists say humor resides in the penis. I think this is true; people are always laughing when they see mine
I've been invited to an avoidance. An avoidance? What's that? It's a dance for people who hate each other.
I was going to go camping for vacation... But I think it's too in tents for me...
I'm basically Switzerland. I'm cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.
How to Tie a Noose by Sue E. Side
They made a TV series about 9/11 But it didn't get past the pilot
For the holidays I've decided to stop making puns... I'm sure yule appreciate it.
Companies should use chromosomes in advertising Because sex cells.
My wife called me a pedophile and a bigamist I thought those were some big words for a jealous six year old
What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship? The khrushchev
Why do pirates prefer black women? They love booty.
What did it say on the former chairman of the Hypochondriac Association's tombstone? Told you!
What noise does a Russian Sheep make? It Blyats.
My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists And Jeeeeez, you should've heard her when she went in the furnace.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues... but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the "what is this shit" look.
(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what's going on inside your head (Me, thinking about a panini) I don't want to talk about it
A certain leisure complex had a cinema and a swimming pool. One day, the cinema screen fell into the pool. The owners left it there and used it as a dive-in theater.
He died doing what he loved; getting stabbed to death in a TJ Maxx.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas
I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.
I saved 100 orphans from a burning building. Do they call me "The Orphan Saver?" No. I butchered 20 men with my bare hands in WWI, but so they call me "The Butcher?" No. But you fuck one goat....
I thought about attending an orgy... But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just post this joke on Reddit.
What breaks when you give it to a six year old? His hips
I didn't have fun at the Boston Marathon this year ... back in 2013 it was a blast.
I had a couple dates and one of them sucked. So I stopped seeing the other one.
Q: Did you hear the watermelon joke? A: It's pitful.
British English Now British English will have only 3 vowels **A I O ... ** as it has left E U .... :)
If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.
Jesus is a really bad WoW player... ...When he dies it takes 3 days to resurrect him.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?... Father: It means 'to be happy'. &amp;nbsp; Son: Are you gay? &amp;nbsp; Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Someone stole my watch and stepped on it. I beat them up. I swore to myself that day that that would never happen again. Not on my watch.
Silly Americans. The national pastime of Tahiti is making love, but we, silly fools, picked baseball.
What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards? A receding HARE line!
When does a fisherman offend you the most? When he's completely out of line
What do you call a smart gay chemist? A homogeneous
what do you get when you mix a penis with a bug A cockroach
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
A great joke/insult to make fun of a friend/enemy. [Insert name] was signing up for a website and types in "MYPENIS" for his password, and the website said, "Password is too short."
What is the motto for the Epilepsy Research Society? Sieze the day
Some people are just better left alone. In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I'm not a psycoanalyst... but I metacrazy once.
My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.
How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves Free
A sandwich walks into a bar And orders a drink. The bartender says : "sorry sir, we don't serve food".
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
How much free space does Europe have ? 1 GB.
While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.
My dog had a tick once, Someone recommended i try the "lighter fluid and match" trick, it definitely worked as my dog never got a tick again. But man, I sure do miss my dog.
[bank] I'd like to pay this into my account [empties pockets full of cat teeth] OMG I'm so sorry [takes card back] that's the wrong account
I saw my friend chopping up onions I couldn't stop crying ever since. Onions was such a good friend of mine.
What's a killer whale's favorite pasta? Penguini
(gym) Me: *tries to lift dumbbell *drops it Trainer: COME ON! IT'S NOT THAT HEAVY! Me: I know, it's just this KFC grease making it slip
The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons "Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain" she whispers
There once was a lady named Lucky Who used dynamite to give herself fucky.  They found her vagina,  in North Carolina,  And one of her tits in Kentucky
Unless you are a pregnancy test, take your negativity somewhere else.
In RL I'm a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Whats the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer? the taste!
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
So a baby seal walks into a club Ba-dum-tssss
I think metals are my favorite type of element The other ones just seem so lackluster.
I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed.
John Cena woke up in the hospital John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on. The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?" She responded "ICU" He said "No you don't."
Tapioca pudding. Con: insane amount of carbs and sugars. Pro: tastes like you're going down on an angel.
How many biblical figures does it take to get Donald Trump elected president? Two Corinthians.
"Alright kids, I just got off the phone. Now, raise your hands if your parents are still alive!" "Not so fast, Billy."
When I grow up, I want to be a gif.
I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
I dont't want to die a virgin because that means I'll have to have sex with terrorists.
My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate... So I got a second girlfriend.
When a clown farts.. Does it smell funny?
I don't normally shit with the door open but I don't want to miss the in flight movie
Me: I want a hot body. Me: Does absolutely nothing to achieve this.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? beer
Note to self: in future, put stripper in novelty oversized cake AFTER baking.
Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their legs apart
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink
After hearing Kim and Kanye are having a kid via in vitro fertilization... Of course Kanye picked the option where he could have sex with himself and still have a kid.
I'm always suspicious of stairs. They're usually up to something.
Q: Why did Ebenezer Scrooge go to New York City? A: To see the Grumpire State Building.
Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL. But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.
My RA just came to my room looking for fire hazards . He said everything was fine . I guess he didn't see my mixtape .
[God creating mosquitoes] "I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces."
Funny joke! What is Charlie sheens middle name? Washingma CHARLIE WASHINGMA SHEEN
You know how I know we are gonna have sex? I'm stronger than you!
The Arabic door to door salesman was being rude to me So I Salaamed the door in his Fez
Why did Hugh Jackman single handedly stop a Franciscan botanist from accidentally dropping a match in the forest? Because only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
The answer to the question, "do these jeans still fit" depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Apparently there is a way to permanently remove memories But I forgot it.
"With my wife it was sex, sex, sex... Yes, three times in 35 years" -Bob Monkhouse
Growing up in Canada, Taco Bell commercials were surprisingly different. At the end of each ad, they sang: "Make a run...for the border. And then the next border."
I went to my local city's zoo. They had just one animal. A dog! It was a shit zu.
What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college? Bison
"Children, stop biting grandpa's nails... ...or I'll close the coffin!"
What is a group of gay pirates favorite pastime? Pegging each other's booty
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes a groan-up.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Recently developed melanoma on my cheek, so I quickly went to the dermatologist. Turns out I just fell asleep on a chocolate chip.
Boobs= not much ass, Ass= no boobs, Ass and Boobs= ugly face, Ass, boobs and nice face= Slut. You can never win
What's the difference between a 6 month old and a 20 year old? About 6 garbage bags and 30 gallons of formaldehyde.
note to TV shows: I do not want, nor will I ever want, a look inside the episode
What do you call a female sex change operation? an addadicktome!
Facebook says: I know everyone. Google says: I know everything. The "Internet" says: Ya'll are nothing without me. Electricity says: Not this game again...
I tried a pot brownie once and I hated it I couldn't keep the damn thing lit.
What is someone who just got left at the alters least favorite fruit? Cantaloupe
"LOL, NOPE" -Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Why do mermaids put their things on top of clams? Because clams are shelf-ish.
"I feel like I got off on the wrong foot." - Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
Did you read the story about the man who dropped nitroglycerin? It had quite the explosive conclusion.
I went to the taxidermist yesterday... I asked him how many bags of sawdust it will take to stuff my deceased flamingo and pig. He said, "Two in the pink and one in the stink".
Alaskan said to Texan: Stop bragging.... ...about how big your state is, or we'll divide Alaska in half and make you the third largest state.
People who eat endangered birds... Will die lonely and full of egret.
The day you can post smells on the Internet will be the worst/best day ever
What country does every one called Andy come from? Peru, because it's the home of the Andes!
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he's got it all figured out. He spends all day chilling in the water. His life is one big pool party.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
A historian and an economist are sitting on the porch of a nudist colony... The historian asks, "Have you read Marx?" The economist replies, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
Where are chocolate coins made? At the Chocolate Mint.
What has two legs and two legs Dog
*walks into Best Buy* *points to CDs* "May I have 4 sound bagels please"
I just want to be rich enough to add bacon without asking how much more it costs.
The amount of people that shout "Boo!" to their friends has risen by 85%. That's a frightening statistic.
People are often shocked when I tell them I'm single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.
The N word. What do you call a bus full of niggers under the ocean with 1 empty seat ? A crying shame
How do you know when a hiptser is a good secret agent? You've never heard of him.
What did the earthquake say to all of its victims? Oh, sorry...my fault.
Reasons to keep spiders around 1. Eat flying insects 2. Occasional source of protein during sleep 3. We make rad webs 4. They do i mean they
Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn...?"
Why shouldn't you have sex with Linux users? Open sores.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I'm running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female...
A 95 year old man told me this joke. "At my age, it's always something. The other day, my Dr. asked for a Urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample. So I gave him my underwear".
Hey can you take the next left? I gotta drop the cosby kids off at the pool.
Ask Me If I'm A Tomato
Today's Generation  "omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
911:What's your emergency? M:I've been shot.. 911:ok sir,keep calm now.. M:thru the heart..and you're to blame 911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.
I couldn't think of a good joke Then I looked in the mirror
Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.
Hardest part of being a vegan What's the hardest part of being a vegan? Waking up at 5 to milk the almonds.
Scissors Commercial: *Montage of people karate chopping paper in half* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better... Nevermind that was rad
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard? Pillow fight!
B*tch your so ugly that even the mirror showed a 404 error.
If i had a dollar for every Girl who found me unattractive... They will finally find me attractive
My memory is warped and skips often You could call it phonographic
That worked out so much differently in my head. - an autobiography
ADELE: hello from the outside ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. - Toddler To Do List
Why was 6 afraid of 7...another ending Because 7 was a black man
What should you do if your walls get cold? Put on another coat.
The quietest sound ever recorded is the sound of a Canadian saying "excuse me" in a crowd
How many Coldplay members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but he has to see Radiohead do it first.
My friend might be hung tomorrow... The suspense is killing him.
A guy walks up to a girl at the bar. Not knowing she was crazy, he says "hey, you're an 8!" She smiles at him and begins peeing on the floor.
What is Cthulhu's favorite cookbook? The NecroNomNomNom!
I'm typically attracted to guys who look like I'll need therapy after dating them.
They say that American beer is like having sex on a canoe. It's fucking close to water.
What do you call a bus on its way to Comic Con? Virgin Mobile
The other day someone asked me my 5 year plan I told them I don't have 2020 vision
LPT: what to do when someone is having a seizure in a bathtub Throw in a load of laundry.
Tourettes What do we want? A cure for tourettes! When do we want it? Cunt!
I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.
A Hydrogen atom walks into a bar... ...and asks for a shot. Bartender, "what's the occasion?" Atom, "I think I lost an electron." Bartender, "you sure?" Atom, "I'm positive."
All you need is love And a super low IQ to believe that.
Bill O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly, and myself were stranded on a desert island... I then proceeded to bash my own head in with a coconut
I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday. Why don't you? Because I can't think of a single thing to say!
I just put on my khakis and found a golf tee in the pocket, which may be the whitest thing to ever happen to anyone.
You didn't question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I've got a knife to your throat you're all "why, why?"
What did Kim Jong Un say when his father died? His korea is over!
What's the best thing about 12yr old girl in the shower Slick her hair back and she looks like an 11yr old boy
A police officer found two kids walking the streets. One had a battery and the other had a firecracker. He charged one and let the other one off
Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.
Riding a big girl is like riding a moped... Its okay until someone sees you
There are three ways to spread news telegram, television and tellawoman.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If your a kid and want to become cooler, heres a tip. Start smoking cigarette's. You can thank me later.
A redneck broke up with his girlfriend it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.
What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out? A Peter Parka
How many Roman pirates does it take to change a light bulb? I I
FUN PRANK: Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don't recognize him, and say "EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN" Then watch how mad he gets.
just witnessed a salmon shitting out its ovaries. it winked at me and said 'that's how i roe.'
This World Cup game is crazy Brazil did nazi this coming.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it's my cheat day CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday ME:[leans in] why don't u mind your own gd business
Cilla Black arrived at the pearly gates She was greeted by Saint Peter who asked "who are you and were do you come from"
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can  down the street I asked her what she was doing she said  "Moving."
*at the pond* "honthere's something i need to ask you" *emotional* yes? *blows duck call* *ducks on water arrange to spell out 'TACOS?'*
Remember when you were young and everything was new and you were filled with optimism and hope? Anyway here's a new thing to buy from Apple.
had anyone heard of the new patriot themed beer. I heard it wasn't that good, it was A little flat.
Where does dragon milk come from? A cow with short legs.
What did the submissive Native American woman say while having sex? "Permission Tecumseh?"
What do you call a car without a hood? Circumcised
"anything new with you?" not really "any cool projects at work? nope "meeting with friends?" no "seeing anybody?" why are you doing this?
What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government? Only one of them is organized.
I'm really sick of the "ebola cereal" joke... I'm pretty sure that's the last thing you'll find in Africa.
Whats better than winning silver at the paralympics? Not being a cripple.
Business Idea: 1. Join dating site. 2. Arrange dates with 30 people at your house, all at the same time. 3. TIMESHARE PRESENTATION.
This is why I drink. - Me, doing anything sober.
I dream about sleeping with Michael J. Fox I bet he's a really good vibrator.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy? Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
What do Terry Fox and Adolf Hitler have in common? Neither one of them could finish a race.
What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet? Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Oggggh (Gagging noise)
"Look, Just Do Something to His Butt." - Cosmopolitan magazine finally runs out of cover ideas
What's the difference between a chicken and a pussy? A chicken is easier to eat if you bone it first.
If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies? A swallow
What's an emo's favourite laptop? A "Razer Blade"
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
So..I just broke up with Jim. We were just not working out.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on shit punchlines. The librarian directs him to the correct section.
What's the difference between an elevator and a redditor? An elevator has a GF
Why do white girls only travel in odd numbers? Because they can't even!
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe his ass. [Edit] my uncle just told me this
Why did Admiral Ackbar spend his entire Hawaiian vacation thinking he was about to get suicide-bombed? Brown people kept approaching him saying, "Aloha, Ackbar!"
Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you for a green rabbit.
I have a deeply religious Muslim friend who knows the Qu'ran back to front Which is the way that the Koran is written. A surprisingly well informed joke about Islam (with apologies to Jimmy Carr).
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? The Rolling Stones sing "Hey You! Get off of my cloud!" A Scotsman shouts "Hey Mcleod!! Get off of my ewe!"
What's a computer's favourite snack? Fried cache-ews.
What's Hitlers favorite video game? Space Invaders
Today is the 20th anniversary of the genocide in Rwanda, but first... let me take a selfie.
What is Kanye West's favorite kind of omelette? Omelette you finish
How do u make a Pirate angry? Take the P out of him.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Ever hear about the box that was coming down with something? It was coffin
Why was Thor disappointed by his birthday party? Because it was more Loki than he wanted.
So I had a dream the other night that I won $100K on a scratch off lottery ticket. Tonight I bought one and I won my $1 back
I told my friend that I'm getting a divorce. "What about the kids?" he asked. I said, "they're still together."
What's a similarity between obese people, and my relationships with women? They don't work out.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
"Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day
What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common? They're both incontinence down under.
Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb? A fiend in need is a fiend indeed!
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of shredded cheese . . . so he can make America grate again.
What do you call a calm Asian man? A Mellow Yellow
50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn't have a cent to his name. *drops the mic walks away*
So when two guys get super friendly it's bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or 'gina buddies or something?
It should be called stay your crazy ass home Friday...
so, history isn't that boring? The history professor asked his student Keaton, "Have you read Marx? Keaton: "Yes sir. I think it's from the wicker chairs."
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.
Why is a dachshund a cowboy's favorite dog? They're always singing about getting a "long little doggy".
Congratulations on passing your test! You have HIV!
A redditer clicks on a link.. realizes they are the joke.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat. "Wear something that doesn't show stains" [5 hours later] How was your date? She hated my poncho.
What do you call a Parrot that loves maths and hates food? a polynomeal
I had something to post about female circumcision but I can't find it now. I'll have to look deeper.
Here is my period story Period. End of story.
A man goes to the library... and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
When Gwen Stefani goes to Hawaii I bet she aint no mahaloback girl either.
What do you call an emo vegetable? A despair-agus
[at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK
Two condoms are walking down the street and stop outside of a gay bar. The first condom turns to the second and says, "Do you want to go in and get sh*t-faced?"
How does a Mathematician hang them selves? With a hypotenuse.
Boss "Are you high?" Me "If I was high could I do this?" *Inserts a USB into it's port the right way up 1st time"
What do you call... What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? A DICK in your mouth!
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff.. Bahh, dum, hiss
I like my coffee like I like my women... Black. Bitter. And preferably farmed by African slaves
It's 2014 and somehow we still don't have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Wife was in ICU Doctor: She is in a coma. Husband: Please save her. She's just 30. *Just then, ECG starts beeping. Fingers move. Her lips mumbled... And she spoke: I'm 29
What's big and gray and comes in quarts? An elephant
Girl wins a watch "Mom, the old man down the street told me that if I sucked his dick he'd give me THIS WATCH!"
[at KFC] "One bargain bucket please" "ok sir, and would you like any sides?" "Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out"
How can a cat walk with no feet? He can't, it's impawsible.
Me: "Want a banana?" 3yo: "Yes, but don't cut it up. And don't peel it. And don't make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle."
A Blind man walks into a bar... ...into a table, into a chair..
I just moved into an apartment above a jazz club... I was sick of paying for sax.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree? Wave at him
Whoever said Obama never created any jobs... Obviously has never heard of Isis
How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware problem
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
was about to ask this girl on a date until i saw her click firefox instead of chrome
Every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I think "This is the worst thing that has EVER happened."
How many shaves does it take to remove all a persons pubic hair? A brazillion!
Canada has seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
You're so void, I bet you think this nothing is about you
I'm thinking of entering myself in a talent contest... It's a neat trick if you can do it --Barry Cryer
What happened to the butched after he backed into the meat grinder? he got a little "behind" in his work
ANOTHER BULL NAME Q: What do you call a masturbating bull? A: Beef Strokinoff.
Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
They say it's rude to ask a women's age... So what's your weight?
How did the potato get back from the party? It booked a Tuber.
why did the spy cross the road because he never really was on your side hold your applause.
Say what you want about Bill Clinton's Presidency... But he was always hard at work.
do you like fish sticks? if you do you must be a gay fish
Midgets wouldn't creep me out nearly as much if they were autotuned.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Why does everyone find the absolute value of zero so funny? l0l
What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter Warning: Offensive Harry got out of the chamber.
Why can't you put the punchline in the title? What do you say to piss off a redditor?
Medusa's hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
What kind of soup do men have after sex? Split pee
Don't try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
What has 99 legs and one tooth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What did the gay guy change his name to? Roy G. Biv
What did the impatient cow say at the stampede? MOOOOOOVE !
I'm glad I was diagnosed with OCD because now I have an even 100 problems.
I have a friend who has a strange obsession with ceilings. I guess you could say he's a ceiling fan.
Fox news host reacts to Caitlyn Jenner ... http://i.imgur.com/1ALkAky.gifv
Kylie Jenner's nipple goes viral She should probably see a doctor
A "good parenting" blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
A feminist is seen bathing on the beach Oh wait, just a beached whale
Who brew in the jewish house down the street? Hebrew.
Recently discovered that my local coffee house sells my favorite soup... MISO HAPPY! :D
How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb? They don't... they just talk about how good the old one was.
Girls love it when guys: - are respectful - are handsome - eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
What are OJ Simpsons' favorite keys on a keyboard? / \ Esc
Walked past the fridge today and heard some onions singing the Bee Gees... ...turns out it was just some Ch-ch-ch-chivvveesss talking.
A redhead tells her blonde step sister that she had sex with a Brazilian. The blonde says, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
*first date* Him: You have a very defined jawline. Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
What do you do if can't change a lightbulb? Ya know what? Just screw it.
Have you heard about that new therapy they're using in Japan? Soy lattes up the rectum. It's supposed to have amazing health benefits. Enemame.
Chuck Norris' prostate has eaten dozens of doctor's middle fingers.
Why can't Atheist solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers
what fabric softener do Special Ed kids use? Downy
You know what's synonymous with the "This pussy grabs back" movement? The clench of the clam movement.
I heard hookers are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000. It includes every position.
Doctor, doctor, I keep suffering from halucinations that I'm the brightest star in the night sky. Surely, you can't be Sirius.
I HATE PEOPLE!! but i love women
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Montana? They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin!
"Update Adobe or we'll kill you"-flash mob
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP "No" WE WON'T ASK AGAIN "No" Ok guys, let's go. We can't ask again
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Just ate some lipgloss so i can enhance my inner beauty
How can you tell what rank a Russian soldier is? Count the stripes on his track pants.
What's Pamela Andersons favorite soda? Hepsi!
Sorry I look depressed. It's just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
NSFW Your dick's like Mt. Everest It's hard to get up.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
What do they call cunnilingis in India? A punjob.
Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? No only medium rare!
When Jesus makes tea. Hebrews.
Bond. Bail Bond.
Do you know what a 68 is? You blow me and I owe you one.
Always wanted to call people who don't like astronomy "Galactos Intolerant"
How does every racist joke begin? With a quick look around the room.
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time someone goes to the toilet take 4 shots
Don't ever try taking off a penguin's little tuxedo. All that's under there is a dead penguin.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: "If I wasn't already dead, your outfit would've killed me".
My mate was freaking out today, crying and all. He had no idea how he was going to become the fruit farmer he'd always dreamed of being. I told him to grow a pear.
I was expelled from school for masturbating in the showers The teachers said I ruined the trip to Auschwitz
How do blondes like their eggs? Unfertilized
Time flies when you throw clocks.
Q: What's the difference between getting a  divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce you get rid of the whole prick!
Instead of yelling "Hello?" when u think a murderer's in your home, say "Goodbye" Then if he's there he'll be like well OK guess I'm leaving
So then someone told me Islam is the religion of peace.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged. I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters. (H/T Demetri Martin)
If someone hits you with a coffee mug, have you technically been mugged?
If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.
What is the similarity between Disney World and a woman? They both make you wait 2 hours for a 30 second ride!
What did Iron say to Silver after 30 years? You haven't AG-ed a bit.
Q: Where does a General keep his armies? A: In his sleevies.
What is the difference between a fly and a mosquito? A mosquito can "fly", but a fly can not "mosquito".
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur  cross the road anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
'Siri, am I an alcoholic?', I whisper into my burrito.
Only 90's kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My house is clean so please don't eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My neighbor's looking at me like she's never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what's with the screaming? And the golf club?!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
Why was the paleontologist angry? Because he had a bone to pick.
Why are bees the superior species? They have a built in suicide switch.
Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching. God: Alright, but wouldn't it be funny if they couldn't reach their backs?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Why did little Johnny fall off the swing? ...he didn't have arms. Why did little Sarah fall off her bike? Someone threw a fridge at her.
Why do Republicans use rulers? They want everything to be straight.
I was thinking about making a chemistry joke But all the good ones argon.
*checks WebMD* Holy crap, I need an ambulance! *checks insurance deductible* Nevermind, I'll just take a vitamin or something.
I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead
Mom there's a boogie man in my closet! *mom looks and I'm standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I like my jokes convoluted. What did the vegetarian German probability-mathematician say to the multilingual butcher killing a pig? . . . . . . "That's the wurst that could happen!"
What is an adulterers favorite snack? Cheetos.
My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?" It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.
Whats your wife's anus and a nine volt battery got in common? You know its wrong, but sooner or later your going to touch it with your tongue.
Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?
Two guys walk into a bar You'd think one of them would have seen it
What did the priest say about consorting with the sisters of the church? Nun is better!
Want to hear a joke about Jonestown? Nevermind, the punchline is too long.
(Old WoW joke) ...and Jesus said to his disciples 'I shall grant you wisdom and salvation.' And the disciples replied 'could we get kings instead?'
I was making love to this girl and she started  crying. I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She  said "No I hate myself now."
It's pretty rude how they'll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don't even worry about buying the bow.
[Politics] Illegal immigrants are lucky The government is helping them escape the US ...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs
"there's no such thing as a stupid opinion" said the world's first feminist
A man was asked if he was Indecisive He couldn't make up his mind.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team.
Women think that they can do the same things as men... But they haven't successfully oppressed an entire gender
Why can't white girls finish their sentences? Because they can't even
So I guess nobody's into necrophilia humor. Because all the jokes are fucking dead.
The sexiest face I make is when I'm trying to squelch a yawn. Just kidding, I look like a stroke victim.
You'll never hear the phrase "It's time to separate the men from the boys" in a Catholic church.
Rafael Nadal got done by an Australian teenager today at Wimbledon. Rolf Harris is having raging fits of jealousy.
Your mama's so fat... She broke the branch off the family tree
Q: How do you electrocute a blonde? A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.
Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number? Everytime I call, a machine answers.
You know what's great about senility? You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Time Travel Right now! What do we want? More time travel jokes! When do we want them?
In Liverpool, you'll never walk alone. There will always be other visitors to the city who've had their cars stolen, too.
If a man says something in the forest, and no women hear him Is he still wrong?
One more glass of wine and my "only a lesbian from the waist up" rule is about to go out the window.
2 Asian's walk into a bar, Barman asks why the same face!
My wife is breaking up with me because of my masturbation addiction... Boy do I feel like a big jerk.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug on his floor. The bear isn't actually dead. It's just too afraid to move.
I was gonna tell a joke about boxing... ...then I forgot the punchline. I'll show myself out.
What's the difference between Trump and Dave Who the hell is Trump?
What was the code to hitler's secret bunker? NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!
what do you call a black man flying a plane? a pilot you fucken racist!
I tried to take photos at a strip club Everyone turned out to be over-exposed.
I'm gonna open a store that sells three things; Axe Body Spray, Self-tanning lotion & chloroform & call it The Jersey Store
Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three? One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
Alan from Facebook is concerned about "boarder" control and thinks they should "learn our langage"
What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear? Denim Denim Denim
The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.
Why could Frankenstein's Monster not have children? Because his nuts were in his neck!
NSFW What do you call it when you give a pussy diamond piercings? Coochie Gucci
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks "Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?" No? *tosses another nun off the overpass*
Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny? Because it's a co-median ^_^
Unless you are wearing live crocodiles on your feet that you have beaten into submission, I care not for your Crocs.
One fun thing about having a crappy car is abruptly shutting off the air conditioner on the highway and pretending you have a hyperdrive.
Does the circle of life... become a sphere in 3D?
Knock Knock ! [nsfw ish] "Whos there?" "Wilma" "Wilma whom?" "Wilma Dickfit."
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" ~ 5th Amendment, understood by nobody onTwitter.
"Talk to the hand!" - deaf people
Friday is just Monday with tits.
Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib... ... but we fixed it with Photoshop."
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
what does Hitler do to detox? a jewce cleanse lol I'm sorry.
What has six legs two arms four eyes and a  tail? A man holding an aardvark.
What do me and Mariah Carey have in common? Neither of us know the words to any of her songs
What does your mother and a neckbeard have in common? They both love Ten D's
2016 is like... A 30 second ad on YouTube that you can't skip
My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. We could never get him to talk about it.
People should look like their personalities.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts.
What type of carpet do you put in an igloo? Burr-burr
How much does automail cost? An arm and a leg.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
Where do you eat toaster waffles on the beach? San Diego!!
What did Donald Duck say to the prostitute? Put it on my bill.
Why did God make four cheeks on the human body? He made an ass of the first two.
Introducing new Beats by Chris Brown Now available in black and blue
What do you call an underwater adventure with a Great Dane? Scooby-Diving
Two condoms walk past a gay bar One says to the other "what do you say we go in there and get shit-faced?"
What do you call 20 lesbians in a tree? A Country
Don't use the Internet ...when you have low self confidence. JUST KIDDING, THAT IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD USE IT!
Me: Mum was I adopted? Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Steven Tyler jokes Just a normal guy looking for some Steven Tyler jokes.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I'm going to answer
What's black, white, red, and has trouble going through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
Why did the janitor take early retirement?  Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese telephone. "Wing wing". "Halo?"
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me "you run fast for someone your age" so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
If my 3YO's fortune was "you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs," this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate
I have a serious self-loathing problem! Trust me to say that...
Did you know that in Maine they will give you five-cents for a soda can, but they won't give you ANYTHING for a baby?
What do these owners think when choosing music for their stores restroom? "oh yeah people like to listen to this when they're taking a shit"
Are you a mum? I am not a dad! Maybe you could help me with that!
According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "ghughgugjjch"
Why is 'The Game' the most powerful rapper? Because you lose every time you talk about him (   )
what do you call a cow that's recently given birth? Decaffinated
Where does a sad chemist find employment? At an apathycary!
I totally understand how batteries feel. Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
Everyone: Why don't you have kids? *points to dead cactus*
I had sex with my girlfriend while camping once... It was really fucking in tents!
What's the difference between pussy and parsley? Nobody eats parsley.
It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing Domino's."
What is a lesbians favorite type of woodworking joint? Tongue and groove
Are you a great at fishing? So you're a Mastur"bait"er
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I hate being Bipolar... It's awesome.
My girlfriend is like /r/Jokes She tries to tell me that she hasn't cheated on me, but I've already heard that one.
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree? Wave to him
Death is not the end. You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My pet deer was addicted to painkillers after surgery so I tried to send her to rehab..... .... but I didn't have the doe
What's a gambler's favorite time of day? 10 to 1.
Why did god kill all the herbivore dinosaurs? He liked his salads a little meteor.
I've been watching women's Olympic beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be fine by tomorrow.
Mc'Donalds in hurricanes No wonder McDonalds places are still open during hurricane sandy. None off their customers can blow away anyways
I wish my garden was emo... Why? So it will cut itself.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it  sounds?
Riding a motorcycle is like having sex without a condom. It does feel great at the time, but if you make a mistake it's really really bad.
Newt Gingrich suggested there's a "right way" to legalize gay marriage. He also reaffirmed that there's no "wrong way" to eat a Reese's.
You really have to hand it to the members of the African American community.
Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didnt realize we were having dinner in my room
Why do they call the hardest group, "The Group of Death"? Four rosters of boners &amp; you'd want to die too.
Spain are blaming their loss this evening on the weather. Apparently it was 2 Chile.
Why did the programmer die in the shower? He followed the shampoo instructions.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? "Hold onto your nuts boy, this ain't no ordinary blow job!"
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards? a receeding airline.... bada boom! The little bros joke book is pure gold haha
It's not PC to give your wife a black eye You should really be giving her an african american eye
A married man walks into a bar
How many people died on the Titanic? A boatload.
The NSA killed my Internet Now I have to build a GNU one.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Watching Animal Hoarders. It's like Snow White only the animals aren't really helping with the cleaning.
I've got a new ringtone. This anal bleaching is rather good.
Sorry about your lost dog. If you liked it, then you should've put a leash on it. If you liked it, then you should've put a leash on it.
Rick Astley asked for my Disney films the other day. I said, you can have Cars and Toy Story, but I'm never gonna give you Up.
Where does Edgar Allen Poe get his mail? at his P.O. Box
I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig... Until I realize that maybe she has a type.
I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
I don't see why Trump says we don't win anymore. We did win the Superbowl.
Some insults are deeply sexist... "You fatherfucking daughter of a dog."
You can tell A LOT about a Woman's mood just by looking at her hands... ...for example...If she's holding a gun? She's probably pissed.
What were the last two pizzas delivered to the world trade centers? Two large planes
Dont Use Your Dirty Mind **What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me!**
"my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping"
I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
So I tried to get a ride from Subway., Turns out that they don't deliver
How many transgender people does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one. But they have to sit in the dark room for a year, first, to make sure that the lightbulb is *definitely* out.
i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat
What did the cannibal order at the bakery? Cinnamon buns.
Children are like farts... ...You can only tolerate your owns
Sorry girl, you knew you were dating a bad boy *saves used gift bag because those things are expensive*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave's body
Wanna here a joke? Women's rights. Sorry if this has been posted before.
Hillary Lewinsky's campaign has received an endorsement by... Weird Al Sharpton.
Why does Yoda have the best seat on the Jedi Council? He gets a seat next to a Windu.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I'd also be responding to all texts they receive.They've been well behaved since.
Eating a rock is actually good for you. It's full of minerals!
An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise... She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.
I would tell you a gay joke... Butt fuck it
Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last  30 days.
Two girl twins are born. One is named Skye after her perfect blue eyes The other has cataracts, so was called Claudia
Why did the Jew cross the road? Because the wind blew him there.
I just farted for 6 seconds and now I'm a dubstep DJ.
Which musical instrument does Vladimir Putin know how to play best? The TRUMPet!
I met a girl named "JKMNO" today when I mispronounced her name. I asked her proper pronunciation... Her name was "No L"
What's brown and sticky?... a stick. What's brown and runny?... Usain Bolt
Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween, I'm guessing it's because they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Did you hear about the man who stole that train this morning??? Some say he had a... Loco-motive! I have no life and just made that up while playing gta5... Ill show myself to the door... :'(
How can you make a gay man scream twice? Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident? He'll be all right.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Army Ant ! Army Ant who ? Army Ants coming for tea then ?
What do you do when you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go for the juggler
What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on my organ My dad told me this joke when I was 5, I finally understood it 19 years later. Hope it doesn't take you that long
Worst Geometry Joke I Know When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides? When it is intercepted by a plane.
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".
Me: You have to be nice or Santa won't deliver any toys this year. 5: Me: 5: My brother lets me play with his.
What's the best thing about the US economy being so bad? No telemarketers.
Ladies, wonder if he's busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
FACT: The internet was invented to globalize complaining.
Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... and a chair, and a table.
Did you hear about the misanthropic statistician? 100% of people can go fuck themselves. Told to me by a cab driver in New Orleans.
"Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Why is it easier to pick a prime minister than any other leader? Because there's only 2 factors involved.
Hey girl, are you magnesium iron silicate hydroxide? Because you'll be cummingtonite
dad: You're sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving me: Why? dad: What's a fuse? me: Uh dad: Who's SpongeBob's best friend? me: Patr- oh
What do you call a sheep without legs? A cloud.
Whats black, white, red and rolls around in a KFC parking lot? Litter that the wind blew out of the trash you racist piece of shit!
When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5? Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak
How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their tiny brooms!
They say firemen are courageous because they run into burning buildings to get things out. So do black dudes during a riot.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet? Gas money
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He's a sneaky bastard.
Vacuuming My vacuum cleaner sucks!
Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor's front yard
How Do You Embarrass An Archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Worst joke:joker said I'm not a joker
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Whats the difference between a South African tourist and a racist? About a week or so
RIP boiling water You will be mist.
What's the hottest part of a room? The corner, it's 90 degrees.
People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. "Guys, I've been gone three years and this is cumin."
I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never paid $200 to have a lentil on my face.
How do you have sex with a male corpse You cant. His penis wont get hard.
Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it.
I got sacked as a tour guide in Vatican City. As I was talking about the pope, we turned a corner and I said, "Ah, speak of the devil".
Good friends are like bottles of sweet wine .. that's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.
One time my mom dropped her phone while she was talking to me then picked it up and said "You OK?"
It's been reported that Beyonce gets paid $100,000 just to sit in the front row at a fashion show. Meanwhile, her sister, Solange, is getting paid that amount by Jay-Z to take the stairs.
Honey, look what I found on our son's computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I'm calling the police
Alien 1: "Did the humans get our message?" Alien 2: "Yeah, but they named it dub-step and dance to it."
If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I'll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.
terrifying if it really happened: the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight's penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Men should never wear a Saran Wrap skirt to a job interview... They'll clearly see yer nuts
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I've just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
What does a hooker get from Santa? 50 bucks
My teacher told me my drawing was pretty good, I told her I know. My mom always told me I was borderline artistic.
Who's paying for Trump's wall? EveryJuan
Last night my wife asked me how many women I have slept with I answered just you honey. I was awake with the rest of them.
Hey, black licorice, stop calling yourself "candy". You are nothing but a chewy fart and we both know it.
What's the difference in roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Britain just left the EU! But they'll be alright... After all, you always lose a few pounds after a break up.
At first I didn't like having a beard But then it grew on me.
What happens when Captain America drinks water? He becomes hydrated.
Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button? Because blonde guys are stupid too.
Don't forget about bald guys living vicariously through their beards.
Who Killed Cap'n Crunch ? A serial killer.
Guaranteed weight loss! Stop eating!
What do gay horses eat? Horse penis
My penis is very judgemental It only points out the people I like.
We always bought our cars used, this one was as black as the night- -that is, until we washed it!!!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
Kids, eat your vegetables. *reluctantly, they eat* [2 hrs later] *I eavesdrop on their convo* Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows. I'm not sure which of us was more surprised.
Do you want to see the birthmark on my arse? It looks like a colon!
How can you tell that microchips are made in the US and not the UK? Because if they were made in the UK they would be called microcrisps.
Reasons he didn't text you: - He forgot. - He fell asleep. - His phone died. - His pet died. - His GF died. - He died. - He thinks you died.
I'm often self-deprecating... But I'm not very good at it.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach? It's not hard..
What makes a good joke timing. ...
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Him: Mm girl, back that ass up. Me: Like on iCloud or something?
how did the constipated... How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem... He just worked it out with a pencil.
What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?
one small step for man one giant step for a really small man
What's the difference a teckel and the United Nations? There's none. They both have big hearts but a short reach.
America's new motto If it's worth eating it's worth over eating.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let's do it; I've already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so....
Sea World announced they're not going to breed Orcas in captivity anymore... So now the only whales you'll see in a theme park are the American women
I stole a toilet seat from a police station. They never found out who did it. They had nothing to go on.
I'm 0 for 3 in getting people to try a spoonful of my homemade peach jam on the subway platform this morning. Some days are challenging!
How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they prefer natural light
*wakes up early on weekend *makes 12 pancakes *wakes kids up "Daddy, can we have waffles today???" *eats 12 pancakes
When you say the word poop, your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. Same can be said for the phrase "explosive diarrhea".
How do you call your gay friend With a homophone
Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?
A woman is on trial... ...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?" The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender." Edit: Grammar.
A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?
Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot! Me winking and leaning on the stove: You're Hot, Baby. 911: What's your emergency?
"Isn't it strange how we were all once an egg?" I told my wife. "Well, grandpa still is," interrupted my son.
Nerdy Joke. What are two females doing after a threesome? Load-balancing. Badum-tsss.
I've been supporting Tyler Perry since the beginning... I have all of his plays and movies on bootleg.
Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?
Hammer and a Drill are in a workshop playing. Hey I see saw over there.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Now that the Australian dollar is worth 0.70 USD.. Can we just call it the Feminist Dollar?
Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City guess they don't have cell towers there so you didn't get my texts I'm going to kill you b
How is a librarian like a sex addict? Their favorite past time is between the covers.
What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race? The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.
mL m^3 gallons quart barrel This post speaks volumes.
Did you know tank tops were illegal until the U.S constitution came out? It gave people the right to bare arms.
Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and  got stuck.
Which is the most silky planet? Satin!
Kanye running for president.
I knew someone who was frozen to absolute Zero once... He was 0K
What did Watson and Crick study to find DNA? Rosalind Franklin's notes.
Feminists hate me. Probabily because I am wearing my wife beater.
I am both dyslexic and diabetic... So needless to say I fell in love with the idea of "All You Can Eat Carb Legs".
What animal is best at playing hide and seek? The airplane.
It's six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
You need to chew poop. You can only chew one tsp a day. How do you eat 8tsp in two days? Just don't chew.
I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall. Dam...
I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that sh1t
My girlfriend told me she wanted to wake up to Oral I don't know what she expected but it sure as hell wasn't a dick in her mouth
Why did Marxism never catch on in England? Because then it'd be impossible to get proper tea.
If anyone thinks I'm a homophobe they can suck my dick. Unless they're a man, because that's unnatural.
Someone told me to go to Hell I told them I'd say hi to their mother for them
Racist Jokes Can we please start a thread of just racist jokes? Honestly the jokes here are really lacking we can combat that with crude racism.
Whats the last thing you give a tickle me elmo before it leaves the factory? Two test-tickles.
*walks out of prison, a free man. *guards shouting from gate "From! At! For! With!" What? "Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition"
Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Inertia.
Life is like toilet paper... you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper. I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Trump won because The Office went off the air in 2013, depriving liberals of their connection to Scranton.
Existentialist, nihilist, cynic... An existentialist, a nihilist and a tired from life cynic walk into a bar. And the bartender says: "Sorry guys, the bar's 18+ only"
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted
What do you call a really fast seamstress? Tailor Swift
Here's to honor!... Get honor, stay honor. If you can't come in her. Come honor.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.
How do fireflies lose weight? They burn calories.
I hear Bernie has his own personal knives and forks... They're called cucklery
I used to own a car that never seemed to run properly. It was a brokeswagen.
Hilarious Email Signature Sent from DOM control panel by (name) If you wish to say "no" to future emails, please click here However, please bear in mind that "no" does not always mean "no"
"Let's just kill ALL the characters" -Game of Thrones
Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we're all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.
How can you tell who's the head nurse at a hospital? It's the one who has knee pads on.
What did the chemist say when he found out his two pet dogs died? Barium
[moses parts sea] Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids Moses: thats my only trick
I like my coffee the way I like my women... ... Pale and weak.
What sound does a Filipino horse make when it gallops? Tagalog-tagalog-tagalog-tagalog.
My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library... I said "Shit man, it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want!"
Know when to holdem *Pick up panties Know when to foldem *Fold em Know when to walk away *Leave laundromat Know when to run *Girl chasing me
Blockbuster Joke George Lucas, Peter Jackson and James Cameron walk into a bar. George Lucas orders a cosmo. Peter Jackson orders a fine Sauvignon Blanc. James Cameron orders them both to shut up.
If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone
how do I know I'm old? I can hear teens having a good time and I'm mad about it
when you're a kid you're like "how do actors cry so easily?" and when you grow up you're like "how is anyone ever not crying?"
What do "Damn Daniel" and pedophiles have in common? They both have white vans
If a honey bee makes honey, what kind of bee makes milk? A boobie!
Why is it a bad idea to change clothes at a Pokemon's house? Because he might Pikachu!
What do cats eat in the summer? Mice cream.. ba dum dum tsst!
911: What's your emergency? Me: Are you guys hiring? 911: This is an emergency line. Me: No shit. Why do you think I'm calling?
Is Kevin James the only Flintstones character who has actually come to life?
What did the yoga teacher say to her land lord when he tried to evict her? Nah Imma stay
Why keyboards... Why keyboards don't sleep? Because they have two shifts!
What's gray and comes in quarts? Elephants.
Everyone in LA is so hot and I am so not that when I walk into places they think I'm a dog and they give me treats & water never been better
What do you call a penis potato? A dictator!
/r/jokes pretends that it has more than 1000x as many subscribers as it actually has... as a joke! http://imgur.com/wYy6m
"Hey! You took my daughter's virginity!" "Sorry, sir. It won't happen again."
This girl wanted me to take her somewhere nice to eat so I said, "How about sonic?" She said, "That's not somewhere nice" I said, "It is if you go in a nice car."
Did you hear about the guy in the park dressed up as a duck? He was arrested for selling quack
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
TIL Lorena Bobbitts sister also tried to cut off her husband's penis. She missed and hit a major artery, almost killing him. She was charged with a misdeweiner.
[at Chinese restaurant] "Hi I'll have a large goingon" -What is goingon? "Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food"
What do you give to a man that had everything? Antibiotics
So much has been going wrong in the USA You would think it had been built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Any girl can give you pics I can give you a headache
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell "WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?" until they got some answers.
Show me your weirdest gif I want to laugh. Bonus points for ones that I've never seen before
I think I speak for Earth when I say that I'm ready for Justin Bieber to turn to hard drugs and squander his wealth, eventually losing fame.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Adder ! Adder who ? Adder you get in here ?
What's better than roses on your piano? Two lips on your organ.
[new euphemism]: "As worthless as the last sheet on a roll of paper towels"
What kind of meat does the Pope eat? Nun
Saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah I thought, He's trying to pull a fast one
When I was young our phones didn't have internet, they had SNAKE!
I'm so lazy, I'll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Dammit. My "Bikini Inspector" T-shirt's in the wash. How am I supposed to hit the town without irony?
Q: Why couldn't Tommy ride a bicycle? A: Because he was a gold fish.
If you woke up naked, in the middle of the forest with no memory of what happened and your butt is covered in lube, would you tell anyone? "*No!*" Wanna to go camping?
How do beekeepers keep their bees so chill? They smoke them out.
When my friend takes shrooms, he instantly becomes the life of the party. What a fungi to be around.
What do you call a nut? What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts What do you call nuts on your chin? My dick in your mouth
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I needed a password at least eight characters long ... ... so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...
I'm pretty sure this new iTunes update is gonna turn things around for me.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don't live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Mules... are SO half-assed.
There's a reason why baseball is America's favorite pastime. It's way past it's time of being relevant.
Why does the moon have no hair? because it's waxing
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
When I realized my boyfriend said we should 'break up' & not 'break dance', I was sad, but also relieved.
whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? There is one less drunk at the wake
Where does Vladimir keep his shit? In a Putin
I met a gay couple in Ireland the other day Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
Which cheeseburger makes a big hit in baseball? A double!
HER: it's over between us ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns? HER: I thought you would stop ME: sew it seamed
What do you call a Muslim abortion clinic? counter terrorism
Have you heard the joke about the cloud? No? Eh, it's way over your head.
"Don't be shy!" -people who don't understand how genetically determined character traits work
My Wife and I are into S&amp;M.. Edit: Typo: M&amp;M. We like M&amp;Ms.
The bitches love me because I'm well spoken, intelligent and would never disrespect them and shit.
Very offensive man on the loose with flint and steel Sparks outrage
A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor It was a weapon of math disruption.
I'm gonna make a good dad one day... Lady Friend: "I'm in Times Squares!" Me: "Did you just text me an incomplete math problem?" Lady Friend: "You can barely do algebra..."
Jokes to Cheer someone up Okay, my best friend is feeling down, and I want to help cheer her up. Give me your best jokes for the occasion!
How does one become an Astronaut? Dip your anus in nutella. Hahahahaha :')
The waiter came up to our table. He said, "Can I take your order?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Here's a funny joke... Civil Forfeiture.
I only go to porn sites because I'm addicted to computer viruses.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One of them says to the other: does this taste funny to you?
If you want to know who is really man's best friend, Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
What's better than a pair of Emerency Medical Technicians? A paramedic(s)!
I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up. It hasn't so I had some cheese.
My roommate gets angry when I steal their kitchen utensils It's a whisk I'm willing to take
What's a frogs favourite flower ? A croakus !
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone: iDied.
How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer? He's out standing in his field
ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He's so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them! MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? 'Cause they all have phones!
her: what's your sign? im a cancer me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids
Why go to college? There's Google.
Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.
What is Jabba the Hut's middle name? the
Why was the pilot flying circles over South Korea? He was Seoul searching.
"Dad why'd u name me this?" I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live "Oh ok" Now let's go, Air Bud, we're gonna be late for church
Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand not his ass or he'd have shot out web every time he farted.
Today a tiny hat was convicted of murder... They say he finally just broke down and con-fezzed to the crime.
Why are south italian men so small? Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there
Yo mama is so fat... When she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell "Taxi!"
Did you hear there was a fire in George Bushes personal library? It was awful! Most of his books hadn't even been colored in yet.
America's obesity epidemic is pretty shocking, until you remember that we're the country that invented flavored floss.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I was wearing the wrong socks.
What do you call an Italian with two broken hands? Mute
Today I fucked up Now she's pregnant :/
Sometimes instagram almost makes me wish I went outside.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it's like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
When ghosts attend a sex party, what is their favourite group activity? Boo-kkake
Everybody mad at me like it's common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn't go to funeral college.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
What do you call an Italian who has sex with kids? PASTA
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Police Officer: How high are you? Drug addict: No officer, it's Hi how are you?
I used to think an ocean of soda existed. Turns out it was just Fanta sea.
A Succubus was arrested at a KIA dealership today. She was stealing souls. First time on Reddit! Hey guys!
Easter Weekend Wife: Honey, what's for Easter? Hubby: Same plan as Jesus. Disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday.
she : XOXOXOXOX Me : stop cheating babe. You can't play both our turns.
What's a hippies favourite food? Peas, man.
I can already hear the birds judging me for sleeping till noon tomorrow.
Did you hear about Kurt Cobain's new album? He did a cover of The Wall by Pink Floyd
If Norman Bates was batman's dad.. would Alfred call Bruce, Master Bates?
My wife said she would come back home to me if I promised to give up my obsession with wanking on the staircase. I said, "Okay, but can we take it one step at a time?"
By the time they were my age my parents had two kids and a house, whereas I have joy.
Did you hear the one where the Scotsman gave his son some money? Neither did I.
ZERSETZUNG funny because America is not east germany? not even mad. grateful for unexpected opportunity to defend constitution.
The people who designed the English language had an interesting sense of humor... I would love to meet the guy who made up the spelling for lisp.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
GF Trying to Find a 32 Bit version of MS Office. "WTF, there is no 32 bit version. They are all 64 bit or x86."
What do you call a redhead [NSFW] ...in an interracial gangbang? Red Riding Hood Happy Halloween.
TIFU by getting my girlfriend's order wrong at Subway Oops, wrong sub
What's common between American beer and making love in a canoe? It's fucking close to water.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus
I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH other people at you.
Before takeoff our flight attendant asked everyone to turn off their Samsung Galaxy phones You know, the ones with the headphone jack
Twitter is the ideal medium for people who think of something clever to say five minutes after the opportunity has passed.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday...Satan slips that one in. He's a sneaky bastard.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? A freezer doesn't fart when I pull the meat out.
What do motor scooters and fat women have in common? They're fun to ride until your friends find out.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. Let that be a lesson... never try to fly a donkey.
"Two Blondes" fell down in a hole Two blondes fell down in a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
I bought my girlfriend a big helium balloon for her birthday it didn't go down very well.
What's the difference between a muslim sex-doll &amp; a christian sex-doll? The muslim sex-doll blows ITSELF up.
My black girlfriend told me this on our first date. What do you call 200 black people in a barn? Antique farm equipment.
Why don't Muslims teach driving and sex ed. on the same day? They don't want to wear the camel out.
My SO is on a diet and I noticed she was staring at her food so I asked why..... She said 'I'm watching what I eat'.
I read a Braille spy novel today that made me extremely paranoid... It was like something just didn't feel right.
A guy is having sex on a first date She's giving him a blow job. He tells her "suck it harder". So she does. Then, he yells, "Blow, blow, the bed sheet is up my ass."
Let's find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
For fun, the next time you have an attractive waitress- Order a "quickie" then act surprised when she tells you it's pronounced "quiche"
A pothead, a rapist and a dog killer walk into a bar. The Steelers must be in town.
What do you call a constipated vegan? A grasshole.
I've just found that my Wii remote doesn't work if you take it out of the sync region. Much like my wife.
"That'll be $147,382." - The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
What was Jesus' favorite sport? Crossfitting.
Why do Leprechauns always laugh as they run across a field? The grass tickles their balls
Diarrhea is heredity in my family It runs in our genes
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist insomniac? He was up all night wondering if there was a dog
Why do accountants make the best serial killers? Because they're calculating.
What do you call a chicken coop with five doors? A hatchback.
How do you date a ghost? You 'WOOOO' him!
Me: Can u send me those documents? Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by-- Me: Nope, don't try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
How do Icelandic dogs bark? Bjork Bjork
two kids were arrested.. Two kids were arrested, one was eating fireworks and the other one was drinking battery acid. one got charged and the other got let off.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Its a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
I'm a practicing Catholic But I'm not ready to go pro just yet.
How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers? Because they both "practice" their professions.
Have you ever seen the serial numbers on a condom? No? You must not roll them back far enough.
What do you call a dog who digs for bones? A Bark-aeologist
I hate it when I make a typo in my post title and I can't chnage it.
Sign language is pretty handy.
This is an ugly term. This "Stalker". I prefer unpaid investigator.
I'm not afraid of killing cockroaches. It's the fear of his friends and family's plan to avenge his death while I sleep, that haunts me.
A businessman becomes a president Seriously this is a fucking joke
I got arrested for plugging my phone into my portable power pack I'm being charged with battery
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
What did the Pink Panther say after he sprayed raid on an anthill? *Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant.*
I have just endorsed Andy Murray on LinkedIn for tennis.
A genie asked me if I wanted a good memory or a big penis. Guy: A genie asked me if I wanted a good memory or a big penis. Friend: What did you choose? Guy: I don't remember.
Why did the Egyptian spit out his water? Because it came from the Suez.
Losing my virginity was alot like performing a heart transplant operation. Someone had to die for it to happen.
I wanted to tell an NSA joke... But I feel like they've heard them all before.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An afronaut.
What do you call a hooker fart? A prosti-toot. Zing pow!
Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles.
My humor is kinda like sickle-cell anemia... it's not for everyone, but black people tend to get it.
My 9 year daughter asked me: "Daddy can we buy money?" ... Me: Buy money? Using what? Daughter: Aaa ... Apples? Me: That's called "Selling Apples" not buying money.
Why are girls so good at punctuation? Because they remember to never skip a period!
What's an activity 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape
What do you get when you go to a rapper's vegetable farm? Beets by Dre
I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice. You don't want justice - you want mercy !
My pet dog named Doug ran away. Now everybody calls me Doug-less. :(
Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car? He retired.
I used to be a stoner in my home country... ...but then I started to respect women
LPT: If you need to remove your contact lenses after touching spicy peppers (Ghost, etc.) Leave the contacts in. I don't recommend going to the bathroom either.
Q: How did bulldogs get such flat noses? - A: From chasing cars.
No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.
A classic: what do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
If Jesus had 4 arms He could have escaped
Why can't a blonde dial 911 ? She can't find the eleven.
Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I'm quite confused. Who's the deaf one again?
What do you call a philosophical priest? A deep friar
I hope Death is a woman That way, it will never come for me
Where does Stevie Wonder park his car? In blind spots.
What do you call a menstruating caucasian with depression? Red, white and blue
Important Work Of 21st Century... The 21st century: Where Deleting history is more important than making it.
What's the difference in a refrigerator and a vagina? A refrigerator doesn't fart when I pull my meat out.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I was with my friends when.. One of them asked the other if he was a virgin. He replied "No, I came out mom's vagina." I honestly don't know how to feel about this.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
What do you call a bunch of black children playing in a pile of leaves? raisin bran
My fathers wife bought a "Christian cookbook" I didn't even know they had different recipes, I've been eating sin all along.
I'm not saying she's fat... ...but if I had to name the top five fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.
I've been hitting the gym 2 weeks straight and haven't seen improvement. Is it because I chose Team Mystic?
Tramp! A trampoline used to be called a jumpoline before your mother jumped on it.
I'd like to dedicate this award to gravity. You've always kept me down to earth.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry Potter made it out the chamber alive
Wait...so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face? -me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Theres a new STD for birds.. It's called Chirpes. And the worst part? Its untweetable.
What did the turkey say when he accidentally bumped into the president? Pardon me.
Why are black people always telling each other to take a piss?
So I let a homosexual man fuck my ear today... Now I have hearing AIDs
My wife walked out on me, telling me it was over. I just sat there eating my popcorn, watching the end credits.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don't play with, so if you hear a commotion it's just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cookie ! Cookie who ? Cookie quit and now I have to make all the food !
What is the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? a canoe tips.
*skips away in terror
What is Jamaica's favorite male bird? The mongoose.
A Mexican magician was performing a magic show He said that he will vanish by the count of 3. So he started the countdown Uno Dos And then he vanished without a tres
"Are you pro gay?" he asked. "Amateur at best," I replied
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One..... Or two...
Awww it's cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn't realise I will pull hers right back.
Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he'd suffocate'. I'm raising a problem solver you guys.
Paper towel ads always show kids making huge messes then mom smiles & cleans it up. My mom would've handed me a mop then beat me with a belt
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning." "Who shall I call" her husband asked "police or  ambulance?"
My parents say I am a Cancer... I was born in March...
I couldn't be a Step-Father. I don't drink enough.
Why can't you differentiate liberal arts majors? They have no function.
The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.
When Bruce decides to do stand-up, what will his stage-name be? Penny Bruce
I hate Holocaust jokes: My grandpa died in Auschwitz... He fell off a guard tower while on duty. Neva forget
You can freeze a human to -273.15 C He'd be 0K.
A group of lingerie models were protesting They were met with stiff resistance
How did Skrillex get Potassium Hydroxide all over the floor? He dropped the base.
How many ears does Mr. Spock have? 3; The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I like my women like I like my bread.... Brown and with nuts
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My dick is my mind My girlfriend blows it every week
If you're using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too. Inspirational tweet.
So, I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he's had... He started counting and fell asleep.
Croissants are just biscuits that studied abroad.
What was the cause for Floyd Mayweather's first loss? He couldn't read his opponent's moves.
It's so cold outside... I brushed against a car in the parking lot and accidently keyed it with my nipple.
Did you hear about the circus performance gone wrong? The lion tamer was mauled, it was in tents.
going to park my car in the middle of this intersection until someone tells me I'm pretty
What did the snowman do when he saw a snow blower go by? Pull down his pants.
A mother walked in to find her son playing with his privates. "Oh dear..." "...those toy soldiers were supposed to be a surprise!"
Girlfriend and I placed a bet to see who was better at Super Smash Bros for the N64 I beat her so badly! I do wish we had a chance to actually play a race before I had to take her to the hospital...
"What do we want?" "Yesterday!" "When do we want it?" "NOW!" ~ Conservatives
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, "Oh man, you're not gonna believe this."
Pretzels Two pretzels were walking down the street. One got assaulted.
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Wanna hear a potassium joke? K
I referred to someone as a "whore" then apologized....I knew no one would ever pay for that, even if she hung herself on the clearance rack.
What do you call a person that's not doing anything at a temple? An idle worshiper.
Mom! Mom! "I want to play with grandpa" "Shut up I'm too tired to dig him up right now"
A group of muslim men go to a grooming class. They were disappointed to find it was about brushing horses.
My friend had a testicle removed after finding a lump. He's very serious when it comes to mashed potatoes.
I would never buy a plastic 3D printed car Unless it came with ABS.
I'm 82 and I have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel. But it takes up too much room in my freezer... any suggestions?
Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
What do you call a rooster looking at a vegetable patch? Chicken Caesar Salad
What did Shrek say when the waiter dropped off his food at the German Restaurant? "Donkey!" (Danke) You gotta say it with the shrek accent to work.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Arfur ! Arfur who ? Arfur got !
How do boats apologise? S**oar**ry!
ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Hey girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here! Of course, if you're swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn't be so judgy.
Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ? Pupil: All of them !
Food trucks: Because the problem with most grilled cheese sandwiches is you don't spend 20 minutes breathing exhaust.
It's weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
2 gay guys are at a bar. As they near bar what does one say to the other? May I push your stool in.
(for this tweet pretend you've heard of the 1999 French film "Human Resources") Human Resources 2: This Time it's Personnel
Why doesn't God like grapefruit? Because he doesn't fucking exist.
What's green, slimy, and smells like pork? Kermit's dick.
What did father bee say to his rebelling son? Beehive!
Three Legged Dog A three legged dog walks into a bar in the Old West and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
I called the bookstore and asked if they had any books about constipation. She told me it hasn't come out yet
Who brings all the good little inclined plane girls and boys presents at Christmas? Slanta Claus.
If you're havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
A Proton goes into a bar and orders a drink,when he asks how much the drink will cost the Bartender says "That will be $3.50."
Guys, don't tell 9/11 jokes. They're just plane wrong
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
What do they call divorce in India? Re-arranged marriage
What do you call a white guy who's beating someone in the street? Officer.
Why did the zombie only eat blonde brains? She was on a diet.
I thought the baseball was getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain" I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain
"When in doubt, puke up some clear, sticky fluid." -Cats
The word "Diputseromneve" may look ridiculous, but backward it's even more stupid...
Two Breasts Two 80-year-old breasts are in a sweater with no bra. One says to the other, "If we don't start getting some support for our cause, people will think we're nuts!"
Amazon review: Amazon river  DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don't even have free shipping.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
What do the Mafia and vaginas have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit
Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
A CRAZY PERSON IN THE WOODS Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods? A: They take the psychopath.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
"Bones?" I said. "Is that you?" "In the flesh", it replied.
I took one of those online IQ tests ... And got a 404. I'm a super genius!
What's the difference between a Jew and a Boy Scout? A Boyscout comes back from camp!
What appears when you ask a genie for a classical composer? A wish Liszt.
Bob Marley in Saudi Arabia I Shot The Sharif
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull out your meat.
Help stop early childhood obesity It's as easy taking candy from a baby.
Two tangents meet at a bar After a long evening the one tangent says: "That was fun, we should meet again!" The other: "You know that isn't going to happen!"
A child is like a blank slate. They make a horrible screeching sound when you drag your nails across their face.
Why is marriage like thin toilet paper? Because you end up with a ring on your finger.
if u were a pirate wat woud ur name be? mine woud be Nudebeard bc my beard is nude "I meant do you have any questions about the White House"
Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? because he was following people before instagram
How to comfort a homosexuals family if hes in a coma? You can always say "well, look at it this way; he was a fruit, now hes a vegetable!"
What is the longest word? Smiles... It has a mile between the two 'S's
My 8 year old brother's best joke. What animal will you always see at a resturant? A DINE-O-SAUR. I think my brother is a future stand-up comic.
What does the neckbeard mosquito say to the female mosquito? M'laria
"I'm too old for this lit." - Danny Glover in a freshmen English class
What do you call 222,215 Frenchman with their arms up? The active french armed forces.
Boss: ok just bear with me *I growl and start clawing the air* B: wtf are you doing Me: I..You said.. B:first snail mail' now this..Just go
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
What's the difference between your boyfriend and whipped cream? The cream
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Why was Hellen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog was blind too
Teacher and Student Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I'm going home now.
5's friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I'm already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
What does BMW mean Some say Bitch Moan Wine others say Black mans Willy Post what you think
An old man says to the doctor "I piss like a horse at 6 each morning, poop like a goose at 7." The doctor says "Then what's the problem?" The old man says "I don't get out of bed until 8."
My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids. I thought "what a novel idea".
I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.
Meanwhile, in mid-2015 A Google Glass wearer and an Apple Watch wearer are arguing in a bar over who looks like a huger idiot.
Do you know what the difference is between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stones song? The Rolling Stones song says "Hey you, get off of my cloud". A Scotsman says "Hey McCloud, get off of my Ewe".
The scarecrow won employee of the month again... He's outstanding in his field.
I suffer from terrible insomnia But on the bright side it's only three more sleeps till Christmas.
My youngest son gave me a dead leg yesterday. Now I'm wondering where he got it from.
The Welsh are a very shy people They're really quite sheepish...
see inside funny how a subreddit devoted to jokes could have the least funny april fools gag
What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pig tail!
Q. What did one tornado say to the other?  A. "Let's twist again like we did last summer...."
What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a member of the Westboro Baptist Church? a retarded gorilla
what did the transvestite say to the pirate? Q. what did the transvestite say to the pirate? A. "I'M going to plunder your butt hole!"
James Bond and Money Penny are locked in a trunk... Money Penny: What's that jabbing me in the gluteus maximus? Bond: my PPK? Money Penny: 'K
Two snowmen are standing in a field One snowman says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"
Just went to the bookies to put a bet on a horse called "Dirty Carpet" it's never been beaten
Chatting of Computers What did one computer say to the other? 010101101010101010101
Why does the alphabet like to piss on the periodic table? Because it's elemental pee!
If I burn my mouth on ONE MORE FUCKING PIZZA I will probably continue to buy and eat pizza for the rest of my life.
I saw a man sitting on a curb looking down on his luck so I gave him a dollar he gave it back and said " I'm not homeless, I'm married "
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham (1:37pm) Abe: sup (1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son (1:42pm) Abe: k (4:02pm) God: jk lol (4:10pm) God: u there?
"I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and - oh sorry, wrong number." - Liam Neeson in Mistaken
It's cold Son: Dad, it's so cold in here! Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.
Just bought a new disposable razor. Or a spaceship.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
What Do You Call A Dead Redditor? [REMOVED]
What does a Polish man give to his bride on their wedding day that's both long and hard? His surname
What do you get if you cross a dentist and a soldier? A Drill Sergeant
I lasted 1 hour and 30 seconds while having sex last night... Thank you daylight savings!
What's the best cure to a bad hangover? A good personality
Something my friend said during our darkest hour of finals cramming I'm wearing my Seahawks jersey to the exam tomorrow. That way I'll pass even though we all know I shouldn't.
What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a silly monster ? One's a hare-head and the other's an air-head!
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I'm not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site."
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper's True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I'm famous people used to have talent years old.
What do Bernie Sanders and the Statue of Liberty have in common? Common people sent both of them pennies to help build a foundation for liberty.
People call me Mr Compromise. Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.
Why were the ghosts wet and tired? They had just dread-ged the lake.
5Q + 5Q =? You're welcome
Why are contortionists always angry? Their work usually has them pretty bent out of shape.
(Breaks car window to save a dog) Guy: I'm in the car! Me: Yeah but it's hot Him: The AC is on! Me: Can I get in? It's really hot out here.
[sex-ed lesson] now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith? "i ate my banana"
Darth Vader: What is the temperature of my son's lightsaber? Lukewarm.
What's the height of conceit? Ant crawling up an elephant's leg with lust in its heart
I heard my idiot friend talk about inequality the other day and I couldn't help but draw some parallels. :)
What's fatter than your mom? Your mom after her next meal.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now...Does that sting?
Wife lets me be on top..... Last night My wife let me be on top. I fucking love bunk beds.
If you crossed a gangster and a garbage man what would you have? Organised grime (crime).
Me: Can I buy that chandelier? Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself? Me: No, I'm hanging it from the ceiling.
WOMAN: pls help, theres a man outside terrorizing me 911: haha aww that just means he likes you MURDERER (at window): HEY SHUT UP I DO NOT
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
[runs up to a group of people] ME: ZACK ATTACK GUY: lol is your name zack or [thousands of bros crest a nearby hill] ME: [whispering] RUN
What is a mosquito's favourite sport ? Skin-diving !
How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They just hold the lightbulb and cry until the universe spins around them.
If you're a vegan w a gluten allergy who doesn't own a TV do you put it on a business card or just wait to force it into every conversation?
What do you call joke told by a duck? A wise quack.
Making the Most of Life by Maxie Mumm
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive.
My favourite sex position is the JFK It's where I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car
My girlfriend asked me the other day, "Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?" I said, "I'm sorry, I don't follow you."
6 made coffee for me this morning, I'm now thinking that she can never move out of the house
Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.
I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.
My life The biggest joke of all.
What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller the other a loud yeller!
Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a Cracker Jack box) Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
I had an idea for a British ST:TNG spinoff It's called queue.
Why did the duck go to jail? For smoking quack!
Why/How do bakers work? They knead the dough.
Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.
[meeting a girl at the bar] ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I'm brandon GIRL: please let go of my hands
Nepal Joke So Nepal got hit by two 7 magnitutde quakes so is it now 7/11?
Definition of laziness:
What's the Difference Between Peanut Butter and Jam? I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass.
[home] FRIEND: How'd family dinner go? ME: Huge mess to clean. F: It's spotless! M: *sprays luminol* You'd never know they were even here.
Cutbacks on HealthCare are really starting to show. I went for my prostate exam today, and instead of lube the doc spat on my asshole
Isn't it ironic how so many females are attracted to assholes, but rarely say "yes" to anal?
What if Stephen Hawking Is the real Slim Shady but he can't stand up
Did you hear they just passed a law making round hay bales illegal? They says that they don't give cows a square meal.
How many Donald Trumps does it take to change a lightbulb? One, he holds up the bulb and the world revolves around him
I can control what you do next in life. Made you click.
What was left after Pavarotti passed away? 20
Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.
A Chinese funeral parlor opened in my town. It's called "Can you Bereave It"
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A good pun is its groan reward!
What do you call a rooster from China? Caucasian
I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.
Feminist joke How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? -none, feminists don't change anything
Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet.
If you ask someone out and they say no, try it again in a few minutes wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette. #cool
What is a ferret funeral? Serious business
The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.
I introduced my girlfriend to my family the other day. My wife was so mad.
Recently found out my toaster was not waterproof I was shocked.
A cat walked in to a cobblers.. ..SHOE!
Trying to write a racist joke. But it is impossible since this huge nigger is looking at me and sees every word i wri...assfnj fasd
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That's 15 minutes, right? I'm not reading too much into it?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
1st girl @ the moon: - Houston, we have a problem - What happened? - Nothing, doesn't matter - Come on - Nothing.. - Tell me - U should know
What do you get when you cross a lawnmower and a canary? Shredded tweet.
"This is The Grey Wall of China" I think it's 'great' "We all do, pal"
I have nothing positive to report. Except that roadside drug test.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? TEN TICKLES!!
I'm surprised Trump ran as a Republican I thought he was running as a joke
To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony
Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus
Mahogany was competing with oak and maple in the wood election. Nobody got a majority in the electric collage. However, oak narrowly beat out maple in the poplar vote.
one man six horses. a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.
"Beep." Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo? Me: I have kids?
When I run the media, "blue" and "red" states will be renamed "Crate & Barrel" and "Cracker Barrel" states.
Why is it I barely have any signal in my house but the fucking Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan??
Try it on your friends... Guy walks up to a blonde woman, "Hey do you get many blonde jokes?" She says "No, not really." "Yeah, that's kinda what I figured."
What do you call an obese psychic that works at a bank? A four chin teller
When is the only time when No shirt no shorts no shoes gets you service? If you're a surfer and you're getting head.
Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled? It didn't protect him from harmful rays Edit: Steve Irwin was the man. RIP
What do bees chew ? Bumble gum !
My dad died of the big C... He drowned.
A donut walks into a gas station... ...and asks for a pack of cigs. The clerk says, "can I see your ID please?" Then the donut says, "Sprinkles"
My girlfriend loves kinky sex. [nsfw] My girlfriend loves kinky sex. She says going down on me makes her day, butt sex makes her hole weak.
What's the difference between a cow and 911? You stop milking a cow after 14 years..
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. Jehovah's fitness.
I told a chem joke today... There was no reaction.
Why are octopuses so dangerous? Because they TENTACLE.
A man walks into a brothel... and is approached by one of the whores. She greets him politely, asking, "What can I do you for?" to which the man replies, "Money."
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
My favorite position is the 68. You go down on me and I'll owe you one!
Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out
When I went off to college my parents threw a great going away party... ...according to the letter they sent.
Heart melting love story: Boy: My wife &amp; 2 kids. Heart melting love story: Boy: I can't marry u. My family is totally against it. Girl: Who r they 2 stop u? Boy: My wife &amp; 2 kids.
Me: Do you have any dreams? Him:...I'm running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes... Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know!
Obama throws a grenade at a terrorist..... The grenade explodes.... President Obama then proceeds to open his mouth then yells out "You got O BOMB'aD son!"
A good way to know you'll be paying more than 5 dollars for a coffee is if the guy making it looks like one of the Lumineers.
What does a 9 volt battery, and a pretty girls bumhole have in common? People tell you not to, but you're still going to put your tongue on it.
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too
Your posts make me wish I couldn't read.
What did my dad say after he asked for frozen casserole That's chili. E:dit Ok execution could be better. Any tips?
I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tires They really messed with my sleep cycle.
What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? Thank you I'll just have a slither.
Why did the virus get a ticket? Because he was driving under the influenza......
The power of art = theory. The power of power = praxis. The the of the = philosophy.
whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there
This Subreddit
I went to the doctor because my hearing problem The doctor said 'Can you describe the symptoms?' I said 'Yeah, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair'
Why did the baker's hands smell? Because he kneaded a poo.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar. "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw"
Why did the computer crash? It had a bad driver
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.
"Do you need a ride?" Me, to every jogger I pass in my car
[casting call] -have u acted before? *shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal -oh this guys good
What is the wasps' favorite song? Just a Spoonful of Sugar.
what do you get when you eat all of the potatoes? *chuckle* they're all gone!
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
What do you call an army of lesbians? Militia Etheridge
Why did the nuke switch course? Because a girl on the ground said "I have a boyfriend" later that day the nuke fell into depression
What did 0 say to 8? hey, nice belt!
Why did the student go to the strip club on his 18th birthday? He wanted to study a broad
How do you tell the difference between a triathlete and biathlete? A triathlete doesn't go both ways.
I once told a joke so corny... That it was sold at the farmers' market
Apple bottom jeans... Boots with the fur... That's all you packed, Jessica? This is a camping trip. This is why we don't work as a couple.
How many black guys does it take to cook chicken? None. Blacks belong in the fields, woman belong in the kitchen.
Is it ok to have sex with a third cousin? I didn't seem to have any problems with the first two.
Facebook should invent a relationship status that says "Only when I'm drunk."
Spoiler alert for the lady in this line, repeatedly asking her newborn 'what's wrong?' Its not gonna answer ya.
Toddlers are the only life form that can exist entirely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker, and half a chicken nugget a day.
What do Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson have in common? They both spent a fortune making their noses more white.
I hate waiting in lines. At prom I was overjoyed because there was no punch line.
Here's to the kisses that I snatched, and Vice versa. Bottoms up fellas.
What do you call a restaurant that sells food that contains weed? McBongald's
Marriage If I answer a question and my wife isn't around to hear it, am I still wrong?
Why did the fisherman decide to go fishing? For the halibut.
How can you tell when a mechanic has had sex? When one of his fingers is clean.
Which is the quickest way to make someone lose? The game.
Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."
Jesus saves... ...everyone else takes full damage.
Whats the difference between a smart midget and a venereal disease? Ones a cunning runt...
*phone rings* Yoda: Yoda Luke: WTF VADER'S MY DAD? Y: Uh L: And you knew & told me to kill him? Y: L: Y: Going thru a tunnel I am *hangs up*
If God is a woman, then why aren't we sandwiches?
Where does the president keep his armies? in his sleevies!!!
I like my coffee like I like my women... Cold and bitter.
What is the term for someone that gets aroused watching Star Wars? They have a Bobba Fetish
Why did the semen cross the road? The chicken came first
How many population geneticists does it take to change a light bulb? It's independent of population size.
I'm not the male chauvinist one God is, he is the one that made women inferior.
So a vegan crossfitter and a homophobic priest simultaneously walk in to a bar.. Then they both went to the hospital for head wounds.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words Stop shaking the ladder, you little bastard!
I saw a BMW driver using their turning signal! But then I woke up from my dream.
Entropy.... Enjoy it while it lasts!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it's not appropriate for court.
9/11 was an inside job "But the planes were outside!"
Professional women's soccer is so boring. Why am I even jerking off to this?
Jared from Subway got raided for child porn. That gives a whole new meaning to "Eat Fresh"
How Many People Do the Police Have to Kill to Start a Riot? 3/5ths
[my 1st day as spelling bee host] your word is policy "can you use it in a sentence" um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
"Is your refrigerator running?" "Hasn't decided yet," I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A "FRIDGE 2016" banner hangs above him
I went to the cannibal restaurant the other night and the waitress gave me the cold shoulder. It came with rice and a salad.
News: Man dies of heart attack while donating to a sperm bank He came and went at the same time
Doctor Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around. Don't worry it's just a bug that's going around!
Why did Vladimir fall off his bike? He was rushin
Why did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
I went to the paralympics Came away with atrophy wife
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn't 100% effective, Mary.
Hate being fat. Love eating food.
My girlfriend asked me what color her eyes were today... I responded, "36C".
You hear Charlie sheen is starring on a new show. It's called Two and a half T-cells
Jogging but instead lying in bed with your eyes shut.
Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious, and will be completely unable to make them cum.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Who is Thor? A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: http://amzn.com/B00BERRBI2)
Due to the impending snowstorm on the east coast The center for Global Warming research will be closed due to blizzard until further notice.
Why cant asians drive? Because cars takes you from A to B
I'm so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn't find out
Why was the lifeguard unable to save the hippie from drowning in the ocean? He was too *far out, man*.
Today i went to starbucks I got in and ordered a large coffee with milk, and the dude looked at me like i was a lunatic
The real fact about the strongest man in the universe afraid of his wife xD
I find puns about bones to be... quite Humerus!
A guy is talking to his friend about his new girlfriend "I did her up the arse on the first date" the guy reveals proudly. "no shit?" His friend replies. "nah, she had an enema beforehand"
Lost my Droid for an hour. The day I lost my daughter at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.
Two men were remembering their wedding days. "It was dreadful" said Fred. "I got the most terrible fright."  "What happened?" asked Harry. "I married her" replied Fred.
www.reddit.com See Above.
The cost of living has gone up so much that my wife is now having sex with me as she can't afford the batteries now !!'
Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely tweeting faster than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
What's a polar bear? A rectangular bear after a co&amp;ouml;rdinate transform.
What is the medical term for owning too many dogs? [A Roverdose](http://i.imgur.com/BtyF5ys.jpg)
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend's body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A mortician died in a small town He showed up to work late
How does a blond like her eggs in the morning? "fertilized"
What do you get if you push a gypsy off a bike? Your bike back
A Hispanic photon walks into a bar No mas
If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?
A is a Canadian's favourite chord.. ..but Am is a pedophile's.
How did the cynic die? He died of liver failure. He took everything with a pinch of salt.
What happens when you take the "T" out of "stay and the "F" out of "way"?
Why is it so hard to sleep with Asian women? It can be a slippery slope.
"4 Clones of Dolly the Sheep are alive and well" You do realize that this is like Twin Porn x 2 to us Scots, right?
No more Jew jokes My grandfather died in the holocaust. Damn Jew pushed him off his watchtower
Q: Why wouldn't the bald man let anyone use his comb? A: He couldn't part with it.
so, apparently trump is living in trump tower and not the white house one more reason why i want to blow up the tower
Chuck Norris is so awesome... He counted to infinity, twice.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.
What's the difference between a Greyhound bus depot and a lobster with big boobs? One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.
What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. This one just told me i was adopted :(
A prospective army man walks into a recruitment office without pants. "Is there a draft in here?"
Nobody cares about Nihilism. The punchline.
What is the difference between a mechanical and civil engineer? The former builds weapons, the latter targets
Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.
How does the Apothecary make his wife orgasm? Elixir
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Damn girl, are you the Employee of the Month? 'Cause you sure do suck a lot of dick.
*gains winter weight for "insulation" *is now fat and cold
I broke my finger today - but on the other hand I am completely fine.
I was going to make a joke about anal sex... ...butt fuck it.
Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy? Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha! *And then I regained consciousness
Cup of coffe Patient: "I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee." Doctor: "Try taking the spoon out."
As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes
take me down to the paraphrase city where it's nice
I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.
Passwords: Outlook- work1234 Aol- kidsnames home alarm- anniversary Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Black Lives Matter is protesting the Twin Cities Marathon... ...there must be a huge race issue in America
My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He's Hulk Hogan, I'm The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.
I had to buy a voodoo doll of myself and rub its back.
I used to think that Sarah Palin was a closed minded conservative Christian. ... but then I found out she is also into palm reading.
Where does an atom go when it breaks down? A quantum mechanic. lel
Canada day isn't about cheap jokes, you guys. You're forgetting what the holiday is all aboot.
Lies I tell at work: ~ I'm sorry I said that ~ I didn't mean to offend you ~ It won't happen again ~ Of course I don't think you're an idiot
Why are men smarter during sex? Because during sex they're plugged into a fucking know-it-all!
How many eggs did Kelly Clarkson eat for Easter? All of them. (It's timely if not funny, right?)
I'll tell you what I know about dwarves Very little
Why are asymptomatic cardiology patients so trustworthy? Because they can't tell afib
Before Midnight on New Years Eve, I raised my Left Foot off the Ground So I could be sure to start 2016 on the right foot
Why did the emoji fly to Syria? It wanted to become an Emojihad!
How does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? By eating a Brownie.
Why didn't the melon get married? Because it can't elope.
What do you call a can after it completes college? A graduated cylinder.
Q: What has dual airbags and has lots of room? A: The White House.
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL Q: What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school? A: Bison
Asked a tennis player about his views on Trumps 2nd Amendment gaffe ( joke ) and Omar Mateens father sitting right behind her in her rally 1. Trumps Comment: Foul 1. Hillary's: Unforced Error
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? ...because they're ugly and they smell bad!
If girls were as nice to each other in real life as they are in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.
Astronaut Booty Call... I'd like to see what's under your Kuiper Belt.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the ugly guy's house. Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.
What is the only deaf animal? Def Leppard
Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor? For hare care.
"oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm" - what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow
What do you call a dairy cow who doesn't produce any milk? (OC) An utter disappointment
To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil.
A teacher was fired for not letting kids out at the end of the day unless they gave her fresh coffee. It was grounds for dismissal.
You wouldn't believe me after reading my TL but my 1st language actually is English
Aloe Vera!... me talking to the plants. With a Cockney accent.
What are twins favorite fruits? Pears
Tried to find a joke about impared ejaculation But it just won't cum
My buddy went to a foreign country to get his sex change operation. Now he's a dude who's abroad.
Q. What's pink and fluffy? A. Pink fluff. Q. What's blue and fluffy? A. Pink fluff holding its breath Q. What's green and fluffy? A. Moss.
What is a oreo? 2 gang members smashing a white boys face.
New horror film inspired by Facebook I liked what you did last summer.
"I had to keep a straight face." -my bi friend who's in the closet.
[freezing huddled around fire] Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My girlfriend hates my new cologne chloroform... She says it makes her drowsy and gives her a sore ass
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. YOU SUCK." I yell at the football player in the TV as I'm sitting on a couch having cake
How many black men did it take to rape the white woman? 0 She is a lying bitch.^don'tberacist
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper. You know what paper is? I yell
Coffee... If you're British, it may not be your cup of tea.
The woman next to me on this roller-coaster won't stop screaming and shouting. It's like she's never seen a man trimming his pubes before!
What does an antisemite say when he rolls five of a kind? "Nazi!"
There was a problem with my AC device It's all cool now though
Success is having no idea where the nearest Coinstar machine is.
I went joggin but came back after five minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than five minutes.
Two guys walked into a bar... They didn't see it.
Marriage consists of three rings.... engagement ring wedding ring and suffering
Look, don't ask me about the blind masturbation competition. I don't know where I came.
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 Brazilian
Why does Helen Keller play piano one-handed? She sings with the other hand.
Inspired by T.G.I. Fridays, I opened a restaurant called C.L.I. Tuesdays. No one could find it.
My girlfriend told me its time to shave my pubic area.... She said "shave but don't go crazy down there". I told her " Ok baby I wont go all nuts".
How did the sad mathematician kill himself? With a hypotenuse
I have two feelings in Ramadan, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"
What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie
Are you 9/11, Gurl? Cuz I would never forget you.
Two goldfish are in a tank... ...one says to the other, "You man the gun, I'll drive."
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
A man asked me, which is worse, ignorance or apathy? I told him, "I don't know, and I don't care."
Yes, Banner Ads, we want to check our Credit Scores. Almost as much as we want to pick people up at the airport and see our parents fucking.
What did Helen Keller say after she finished her bowl of cereal for breakfast? I may be blind, but I can see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
"Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don't we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?"
(Kinda offensive joke) How do you get a black man to stop raping you? Call him daddy in the middle of it
"Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!" "LOL sir, that was a barber." "He was black." "We're sending a battleship."
What's Hitlers least favorite planet? Jewpiter.
What's musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.
A man goes into a bakery and says, "I'll have 99 rolls." Says the lady behind the counter: "Why don't you take 100, then you have one more." "But who's gonna eat all those rolls?"
Him: I just want a stable relationship. Me: Yeah, horses are cool. Him: ........ Flirting is hard, you guys.
Whats the difference between pink and purple??? Your grip!!!
Lets go to the symphony Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!? Crowd: **cheers loudly** Beethoven: I can't hear you!
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days* pfft... I could do it in 8
I bet college professors never get tired of watching freshmen get fat. I know I wouldn't.
"You're not gonna get a quote out of me." - Donald J. Trump "Wrong." - Donald J. Trump
[Confessional Booth] Me: I can't do anything right. Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Every day, hundreds of seals are clubbed to death by hunters. It's snow joke.
Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.
He's a few clowns short of a circus. 
How do you know when your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
did you hear about the flying German pancakes in WW2? they were in the luftwaffle!
It's like my dad always said: "Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas."
That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn't even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.
What's the difference between the Foo Fighters and Nickleback? Nickleback sucks.
if i ever become a dad my thing is gonna be sayin "spoiler alert" to my kid& then pointing at cars w/ spoilers. thats gonna be my dadphrase
The "self-lubricated catheter" and the "discreet pocket catheter" have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Why do gingers love driving Kias? It's the only way they can own a soul.
Drunk guy is pissing in the park An Old lady walked past him and says with anger: - What a beast! - Don't worry Ma'am I'm holding him
Miss Piggy can be a such a hamful to deal with
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? (NSFW) I'll see you next month.
[assembling baby's cot] Wife: take that bit off Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I love garbage day... Once a week my street celebrates me
forget about gun laws, there needs to be more focus on who can own an acoustic guitar
Whitney Houston's last hit was ... off a crack pipe.
I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.
Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it... It's still fowl language.
At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead"
I have an inferiority complex..... It's not a very good one, though.
When is 100 less than 99? On a microwave.
Why do women only use putters while playing golf? Because women can't drive.
When I get a dog I'm going to name it fart So I can yell "COME FART!" In public
In 4.5 billion years the sun will burn out but on the plus side no more sunset instagrams
Two wheels were spinning in a dessert One of them, being careful told the other one: "Watch out there is a cactussssssss..."
A police officer goes to investigate an artist's death... His report details it as being "pretty sketchy." I'll leave now...
Biggest Jewish Dilemma? Free Bacon!!
What's the difference between mayonnaise and sperm? Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back if my girlfriend's throat at 60 miles per hour.
Not sure if it's still too soon after the shooting, but.... Do you think JFK ever said "I need another parade like I need another hole in the head"?
Fun Game: 1. Be a couple without kids. 2. Hire a babysitter. 3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, "You lost it already?!?"
[date] ME: do you have kids or pets? HER: a son and a cat ME: what are their names? HER: John & Batman ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Tiger Woods: He puts the semen in product endorsements. And women. I mean he used to. Crap, can I start over? I've almost got this.
I like my panties like I like my bass... Dropped
Why do midgets laugh when they run through grass? Because the grass tickles their balls.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
Tomato basil soup is a fancy way of making people drink pizza sauce.
If you've ever written a Yelp review of a Starbucks, I can help you kill yourself if you like?
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: r/AskReddit
New York Yankees sign Adrian Peterson They were looking for a good switch hitter
I picked my nose in traffic today. Secretly hoping a tweeter who had run out of joke material saw me. You've gotta give to get, people.
How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, Feminists can't change anything!
I wanted to make sure my kids were safe when they are playing outside.... So I put an ISIS flag in my window. Now my neighbors watch them 24/7.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalottapus.
How can you tell if a man is cheating on you? He has a bath more than once a month.
I put the ____ in a much larger segment of _____________________.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn't actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British. Oddly enough, so were the Australians.
Did you hear about the bad pizza? It was a Peace'a'shit
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba dun tsshh
The reality is men have no idea what women want... and women have no idea what women want
So I decided to finally try one of those vegan stores It might have been the single most disappointing experience of my life they didn't have a single vegan for me to purchase
Who is the king of the pencil case? The ruler
There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[Dirty] How does Leia spend Father's Day? Riding Solo
Her: YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT! Me: Well... at least I'm not all of the shit
How do you get a horse out of jail? Hay bail.
I went swimming in the Black Sea. It stole my trunks.
I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar.. but she's already had her face on a Bill.
Have you ever seen moth balls? Yeah? Well, how did you get their tiny legs apart?
You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this
Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that's one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia... ...I fear the Wurst.
Why does Pinocchio tell lies? Because he's a fucking liar.
Whats soft and fuzzy and lives in a hole? Belly button lint.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig's List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered...such a dilemma
I was wondering why my laptop saying Hello And Hello And then I remembered.... It's a dell
I bet Jesus would have instagrammed a lot of pics of wine.
today my internet went out for About 3 minutes...... Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people.
A guy is having sex with his girlfriend and stops dead in his tracks. "What are you doing?" she asks. "I saw this in a porn once. It's called buffering."
Two in one people are Siamese.
What do the Welsh like to do in their private time? Oh, sorry guys. It would've been a baaaaaa-d joke.
I've been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me
Turns out the guy I tipped is NOT the men's room attendant & now I really just want to get this BJ over with.
*wife walks over to me* *cups my face with her hands* *looks me in the eye* "Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"
The Nietzsche Family Circus random generator
I would tell you a joke about anal sex... Butt fuck it.
Contrary to popular belief, the most common use for electrical tape is to cover up goth nipples.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle.
As a Malaysian, I thought that our Prime Minister would be crowned the worst political leader of the century But it looks like America has finally decided to us their Trump card.
My dad got fired recently for sleeping on the job. He didn't like being a pilot that much anyway.
There's a Gulf between peoples' appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn't like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I'd make a joke about albinism but... I'm afraid it would be off-color.
What is the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair
I'm glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we'd constantly be walking into each other.
Turtle Empathy You know when someone's talking to you and you don't give a fuck about what they're saying? I bet that's how turtles feel about everything.
What do you call a former lacrosse player? Ex Lax.
Q: What do you call a bench full of white people?A: The MLB.
A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his foreskin! Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.
Why is there more Chuck Norris jokes than Bruce Lee jokes Because Bruce Lee is no joke
"I see an Irish man walking..." Short I see an Irish man walking with only one shoe on. I tell him "You're only wearing one shoe, you stupid cunt". The Irish man replies "No, I found one."
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 Aye matey.
Why is "fuck you" an insult? I mean, i fuck my self every day
Summer was especially good this year in Canada... If I recall correctly it was a friday
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Did you hear about the cow who couldn't give milk? She was an udder disappointment.
I don't always have pre-marital sex... But when I do it's not with my wife.
Why didn't they use Black Phosphorous? It doesn't work.
So did you hear about the cannibal that broke into the gay hospital? At least he's getting his fruits and vegetables now.
i like my women like i like my coffee silent
*does something weird* *looks around for witnesses* *sees no one* *does something weird, LOUDER*
Geppetto: Whew it's a cold one. Pinocchio: Mhmm. G: Fire's running low. P: Mhmm. G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen? Me : Sorry, darling. We can't watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
It's hard work being a commuter. You have to train a lot.
It's common knowledge talking shit will result in dental work.
Why didn't the cow want to go skydiving? ...the steaks were too high.
Your mother is so fat... ...even whilst fucking her it feels like a long-distance relationship.
I used to be schizophrenic. But we're OK now.
The first and last thing I saw, is nothing. What am I? A mentally challenged lumberjack
What the best thing about pedophiles? They always drive slowly near schools
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs middle finger
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My new career path: 1. Learn soccer 2. Move to Ghana 3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer
I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."
Yo mommas so old... She sees Dr. Grant.
If they can't ruin the holiday one way they'll find another My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem. But now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Women sex toys cost money for Batteries! Men's sex toys cost money for rent, clothes, groceries.....
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob from your grandma.. It's all good until you look down.
What do you call an ass on steroids? Assteroid.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.
Santa Claus said that he would give me a present this year... ...But he made out with my mom instead!
What's the difference between a jew and a boy-scout? Boy-scout comes back from the camp
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman, and he'll teach himself how to fish.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Why did the orgy fail? No one came.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of a stranger making 90% of their decisions.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Eats Her Feelings Julie' and 'Loves Abortions Brenda'.
I'm no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be: "oh you think BUSH was terrible?"
Husbands. Can't live with 'em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.
Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star? He had an arm like a baby's cock.
Why did the programmer visit the city tour? Because they were handing out guides for the deaf.
Be more like Christ they said... Be more like Christ they said, so I became Jewish.
Two lawyers walk into a bar Exam
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
Stuck between "that was awesome" and "OMG do you need medical attention" wherever I walk off the dance floor
What does Wolverine and Caitlin Jenner have in common? They're both X-Men.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck-up cunts.
Leonardo Dicaprio must be sad. He only has one Oscar instead of many.
pleas tune into my next podcast where i ask what the FUCK angry birds is and viciously mock the first piece of shit caller to answer me
What did my Dominican girlfriend say when she saw me at the pet store? Ay puppi.
My guide on how to fall down a flight of stairs.. .. In just a few simple steps
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.
I don't know how to act my age I've never been this old before.
What is Iron Man when he removes his suit? Stark naked.
My little girl will never have daddy issues. But her future boyfriends will.
I was going to make a gay joke Butt-fuck it.
Why does Kylo Ren decline all my raid invites in WoW? Cause he been solo.
what do you call a fake noodle? an impasta
I don't know why they have flavored condoms It's not like my asshole has taste buds. My brother told me this, sorry if it's a repost.
What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? One goes **Whack** "Shit!" and the other goes "Shit!" **Whack**
Regretting the compliment... A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
I like my slaves like I like my coffee: Free.
What's the best way to make your wife angry during sex? Call her and tell her where you are.
An anteater walks into a bar... "First the horse, now this asshole" remarked the bartender. Credit: u/reduxde
*job interview* so tell me a fun fact about yourself Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh- get the hell out
The horror of hearing the anesthesiologist say, "YOLO," as he puts you under.
"If Trump wins I'm moving to Canada" So people fleeing their country from political crisis isn't OK unless it's the USA...
What is Donald Trump's favorite Christmas song? White Christmas.
@JustCallMeMike_: Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze... it's like a little party on your face.
[robbing Walgreens] Would you like to sign up for a Walgreens card? Youll save 30% on your robbery "sure" [guy behind me with 1 item] wtf
The only relative I want to see at my door is Papa John.
How does a black girl know she's pregnant? When she takes out her tampon, all of the cotton is picked.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
I just read a pamphlet about sex & I'm gonna be honest: it sounds pretty cool.
Fortune Cookie: You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
"if you could be any animal what would you be" a cat "why a cat" [imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason] naps and stuff
They said when pigs fly.. But the swine already flu
[Death Row] GUARD: last requests? INMATE: a little heroin would be nice TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard* INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
What if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Sister : Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Brother : Because the people would think I am F**king you.
Why did the ghost go to rehab? He had a problem with boos.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn't mean I love them. It means I love me too.
And the lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life" But John came fifth and received a toaster.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking "This is not The Gates' residence."
Hillary's mad at Satan Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me? Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?
Made a Freudian slip, with my ex-wife. I meant to say: "Hello" but actually said: "You silly cow, you've ruined my life."
Why is Chris Christie such a successful man? Because he is too big to fail.
Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.
tomorrow I am going to find the tomb of Ben Franklin and whisper stories of old and lusty ladies into his ear, as he would have wished it
Definition of circlejerk circlejerk: What comes around goes around.
After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black... ...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief
How do you make a cat bark? Soak it in lighter fluid, throw a match on it. Woof!
Spoiler alert: The company that's paying for the commercial always wins the taste test.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and their/there/they're.
There is nothing worse than a broke ass high maintenance woman.
*bursts into room Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN Guys: Yeah sure,show us then! *holds up single kernel of corn *gets violently beaten
[First day at New Job] New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know? <Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire
A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away This was a grave mistake
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"
What do Tony Romo and a french whore have in common? They both do a great amount of sucking for four quarters.
I ate a bad vegetarian kebab for lunch. Now I falafel.
How many mods does it take to change a lightbulb? [deleted]
It's Saturday! Go for a walk! Pay your bills! Take up smoking! Shave a loved one! Steal a baby!
If OP was a Pizza Delivery Driver, how much would he make? Nothing because OP never delivers.
what's the difference between a condom and your mother? A condom wasn't on my dick last night
If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Practicing for my audition tape for "MTV True Life: Let's go huff some fucking glue"
I know a guy who bowled a 301. "How'd he do that?" Because you can't bowl a 300 and lose.
Twinkle twinkle little hoe, name a guy you didn't blow.
Why did Winnie the Pooh want to become an astronaut? Because he wanted to go on a honeymoon.
Yeah, bro. I train and I lift... ...It's easier to get to work that way than to bike and to stairs.
Police hunting a man for indecent assault. Applications close next week.
3yo: I want to help! Me: You can help by being quiet. 3yo: Me: 3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park people try to ride HER!
why don't chickens wear underwear... Because their peckers on their face.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You're a fucking rapist.
What has two heads and six legs? Nirvana
Why is the sea salty? Because the land never waves back
Did you hear the inventor of cough lollies died last week? There'll be no coughin' at his funeral
Spider Man, Spider Man Chillin' in his camper van Kickin' back, drinkin' booze head to toe in sweet tattoos Hang on That is not Spider Man
What do you call an orang-utan which has been in the sun for too long? An OranguTAN!
Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins
What do you call research to implicate dictators of other countries for murders by biological warfare? ...Foreign sick science.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman - What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? - Snowballs.
- I'd like to make a reservation. - Name? - Matthew McConaughey. - Can you spell that for me? - No.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
What is the difference between ovaries and testicles? There is a vas diference
What actor touches every girl on set? David Cop-a-feel
*Makes typo* *Deletes tweet* *Deletes account* *Destroys computer* *Changes name* *Moves to Pakistan* *Opens a curry shop*
Wanna read the worst joke ever? The worst joke ever.
I just ate raw chicken fingers And then I threw up gang signs.
Q: What do you do with a green ghoul? A: Wait until it ripens.
What kind of dog can turn on your car? Yorkies
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? a private tooter.
Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix
Whhat do jellybeans and the world have in common? Everyone hates the black ones!
I just had a breakthrough....!! I should probably pull my finger out and get some stronger toilet paper....
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I'm alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I'm fantastic.
The doc gave me some bad news today... I was deficient in VITAMIN U.
If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says "Uh, it's Adam & Eve" you can be like "OH REALLY?" and have the boys attack!!
If Canada was a Kingdom, PM Stephen Harper would be a King... ...but Canada is a country.
<gets pulled over> Officer- What's making all that noise in your trunk? Me- My feelings. I'm trying to dispose of them properly.
"First things first I'm the illest. Drop this &amp; let the whole world feel it, and I'm still in the Murda Bizness I could hold you down like I'm givin' lessons in killin' "-Ebola
I just want to take you out... With an AK-47... & you thought on a date...hahaha.
"I always feel so self-conscious when I'm out in public," I told my girlfriend. "Don't worry, you aren't that ugly," she sniggered. I said, "No, but you are."
What's the difference between a dead dog and a black guy on the road Dead dog has skidd marks on it
Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.
"I'm on the Reich track baby, I was born this race." -Nazi Gaga
Putting a ring on a woman's finger... is like pulling the ripcord on an inflatable raft.
The new Exorcist movie plot: Family hires the devil to get a priest out of her son!
Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named 'Hailey' and 'Brayden' running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.
I still remember the gorilla who became super famous really quickly Dang, the fame hit him like a bullet.
Why ed has no girlfriend? Cz sheeran
Girlfriend Detective Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up." Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
Guy: "Do you have a lighter?" Me: "Yep" Guy: "You smoke?" Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."
So Microsoft bought skype for millions of dollars Idiots didn't know skype's free.
Did you hear about the man who got AIDS? He was fucked.
What was the scary guy on Tinder doing? Intimidating others.
What do you call a list of german jokes printing paper
Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy's gun away.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Fantastic Four (2015) currently has a rating of 4.0 on IMDB
I asked a Jewish girl for her number.. ..do she rolled up her sleeve.
What did Mozart tell the terminator I'll be Bach
Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.
Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness?  - He refused becuase he hadn't seen the accident.
Lonely Second Graders What do you call a second grader with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor
On the demolition teams last job... They did a bang up job
ISIS vs North Korea. Who would win? everyone
Did you hear about the race between the horses with broken legs? It was lame.
Yesterday, someone tickled my bone... ...It wasnt Humerus
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Who is a Racist and a Homophobe and a Bigot and a Hater and a Sexist pig? *Anyone* winning an argument with a liberal.
What kind of Bees make milk? Boo-bees (say it out loud =D) NOTE: Not original. My uncle heard it on the radio, told it to me, and I shared it with you guys.
My dog died... It's hair pink
What is a Pirates favorite letter. You think it be RRRRRRRR but it be the C!
I spent days, weeks, months, creating the perfect garden gazebo. Meanwhile, my marriage was falling apart
What's an empty suit of armor doing on the drivers side of a car? He went out for the knight. OK I'll leave now
A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him.
Why was everyone afraid of the everything bagel? Because he looked pretty seedy!
First sign of your mother not loving you? Abortion.
I feel that it's time to pick the kids up from school..so I'm going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass
An Atheist, a Vegan, and a Crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes...
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's some obscure number.. You've probably never heard of it
How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to actually screw it in, and one to hold the ~~penis.~~ Edit: Ladder. One to hold the ladder.
Deadpool was Green Lantern Batman was Daredevil Captain America was Human Torch And we're just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Windows - the only operating system that is compatible with all viruses.
She left me alone in the house with Cupcakes cooling. Rookie mistake.
Did you hear the one about the chicken and the egg? They were trying to get each other off!
I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term 'manhole'. Maturity will not be reached.
I once saw a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him "No jerk!" I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.
what's the difference between a black person and a snow tire? ones a person and the other is a tire.... you racist.
A little Arab boy Anything that makes people who aren't white Americans embarrassed or angry, is racist.
Jokes About German Sausages They're the wurst.
When the zombie apocalypse finally starts, I am running straight to the graveyard to play the most epic game of whack-a-mole ever.
Sometimes when people text me "K", I like to text them "L- omg you next!!"
What do Godot and my wife have in common? Both are French.
When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months.
I went skiing yesterday. I didn't really enjoy it. I got to the top of the chairlift, but it was all downhill from there.
What do you call a West African cricketer? Ebola
I'm not informed enough to vote.... Who do you think i am? A redditor?
[NSFW]Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Dad: Because his wife died.
What did one deer say to the other after leaving a gay bar? Dude, I can't believe I just blew a hundred bucks.
A joke my dad said about black people! I said, Dad do you like black people? He says, "Yeah! I think everyone should have one or two!"
White Boards are... Remarkable.
Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
Men mostly hate two words: 'not' and 'enough'... unless you say them together.
What's something you can drive, but also throw? A Fit!!!!!!!!!!
Fred the Uncharitable Shepherd When asked about his personality, Fred the Uncharitable Shepherd replied: "I don't give a flock."
Last chance to use the washroom before I shower! Speak now or forever hold your pees.
Just got confessed to today... Congratulation Just!
"And what will you do if you're crowned Miss Universe?" "I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail."
Whats black and hurts when you get it thrown in your face? A Piano.
i'm wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
What are David Cameron's favorite people to have sex with? Cops
Wanna know how easy it is to sleep with a fat chick? Piece of cake
What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain? A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.
"This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see 'em!" "But I can't-" "Now!" *t-rex panics*
Why did no one trust the dermatologist? He kept making rash decisions.
Sometimes I want to ask certain people, "So you looked in the mirror and thought you looked good enough to go outside?"
What do you get if you jack off Donald Trump? you could say, I vank a Trump
*Plots revenge by getting a job at a fast food restaurant and waiting for nemesis to drive thru and not putting a straw in their bag*
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
What do lesbians and chinese people have in common They both like to eat pussy
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex's name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
So I developed a new biological weapon the other day... But then another mad scientist called me out, saying he developed the exact same thing a week before. He sued me for plaugeirizing.
so you teens like "selfies" huh? well if you picked up a bible now and then you would know god did selfies when he created us in his image
What do you call a black guy and an indian guy flying a plane? Pilots.......you racist idiot.
Just saw a woman with a Banksy tattoo. She must be a really deep sleeper!
What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's final movement.
What's long and stylish and full of cats?  The Easter Purrade!
Sex with 3 people is called a threesome. Sex with 2 people is called a twosome. That explains why they call you handsome
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up a girls ass
Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders.
What's the best way to make a girl weak in the knees? Kick em.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
....and that's how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I'm new here I have never posted here before. I will share a joke. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
what was was the last thing that went through the fly's mind when he hit the windshield? His butt
Where do muslim terrorists go when they die? INTO BUILDINGS
What is my girlfriend's favorite meal? A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."
There was a blackout in my neighbourhood last night....... The police told us to stay inside until they caught him.
I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.
At church, last sunday ..., the preacher said "Jesus died for your sins". At that point, a man got up, furious and shouted "Seriously, man? I was reading that book!"
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because he's homophobic.
Oh heres a good joke my life
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women's Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My ex is fat!!! Yay...I win!!!
So you think you're a book Fan? Have you ever gotten a paper cut on your balls? Thought not.
Car Talk So a transmission asks an engine, "Yo Engine, hows things with you today?" and the engine replies "Oh you know, just another day in the hood..."
What did Ciderella say when she got to the Ball? "*-Gag*-"
What's the worst part about being a black Jew? You gotta sit in the back of the oven...
I grew up on cartoon violence So naturally, when I fight, it's a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about
Why did the chicken cross the road I parked across from the grocery store.
Pussy. That's it. Don't get it? No worries, me either.
I want to start a Bantu Saliva cover band... And call it "Click Click Boom". ^I'll ^^show ^^^myself ^^^^out.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me] Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I'm murdering you I mean really
A gorilla walks into a bar Holy shit run!
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Are Sinking On A Cruise Ship, Who Survives? America
What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented? There's been a ground breaking discovery...
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] "I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? Making the decision to turn off life support.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
What did the first stop light say to the second stop light? Don't look I'm changing
What did the grand chess master say to the recovering alcoholic after he beat him in a game of chess? I was 12 steps ahead of you from the beginning!
If my name was Rudolph Spermguzzler I would introduce myself like this: Hi, I'm Rudolph Spermguzzler, sorry if it's a bit of a mouthful.
Dark humor is like food... not everybody gets it.
Sigh. Woodstock '99 was a terrible use of this Time Machine.
Bad money What is the difference between an angry rabbit and a counterfeit dollar bill? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
Just got back from a progressive orgy.. it was an LGBLT
Adolf Hitler wrote a book about his life with Ava Braun. He called it Mein Kunt.
Why was the steel angry? Because it lost it's temper.
My girlfriend from high school called today. She's stoked about getting her driver's license.
Great desert tip: Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl with fresh squeezed lime juice. Toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any Pixar movie in his collection... But he's never gonna give you Up.
My mum told my girlfriend that I'm a big softy. She said, "No he isn't, he's not even big when he's erect."
I really don't understand why people tell 9/11 jokes. What happened on the ninth of November?
Two antennas fell in love.. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.
So I met this guy from North Korea. I asked him, "so how was life in North Korea?" He replied "Can't complain."
Are your clothes meant to scream out "help" when you squeeze yourself into them?
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side!
I used to suffer from delusions that I was a bland, flavourless cut of meat... but now I'm cured.
If I won Super Bowl tickets for me and 10 friends I'd have to sell at least 7 on ebay.
If you can't say something nice You might have a lisp......
There are two guys in a radar station... when all of a sudden an incoming missile shows up on the radar. One guy shits himself and the other guy turns and says "Ha! ICBM".
*sends back food because instagram down*
What name is given to the most chickens ? pEGGy
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
I asked mom once how she knew dad was "the one". "because," she replied, "DNA tests don't lie."
Whenever I'm in a difficult situation, I think, "What would I do?" so I can do the opposite thing
My wife says "I want to go... ...somewhere i've never been before." I said, why not try the kitchen.
Classic Why'd the mushroom go to the party? Cause he's a fungi! Why'd the fungi leave the party? Cause there wasn't mushroom!
Why couldn't the dwarves renew their lease on the Lonely Mountain? It failed the Smaug test.
I wonder if all weather forecasts I see on the internet are on a cloud storage?...
Dr Heimlich died today I'm all choked up
What do you call a made-up orange? Pulp Fiction!
I can't be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I have been talking to this beautiful woman online for a while... And today I finally got to meet him
whats the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator the refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
I don't smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.
Have you seen www.amnesia.com? Sorry I just can't remember.
What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Pants are for people with something to hide.
My doctor just told me I have Alzheimers... The only thing I can do now is figure out why I'm at this hospital
[starbucks] me: can i take some wifi home with me? barista: um. sure(?) me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Dog for sale Eats everything. Loves kids.
How many mice does it takes to screw, in a lightbulb? Two, as always.
I did something terrible today Now I have to wait a year before I can post it to /r/tifu
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013, .... Stare at your phone like a normal person.
When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old... I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!
She was a fax machine She kept her modem clean She was the best damn printer that I've ever seen
What do you call an anarchist who does skateboard tricks Radical
do you ever check how much time there's left of an episode just to make sure they won't stop there
What's the difference between Reddit CEO Ellen Pao, and Yoko Ono? .....about 40 years.
Why did the Burger steal a heater? Because he was cold. Get it? "Burr..."
[Putting petrol in car] 19.95 19.96 19.97 [stops] [gently now] 19.98 [very gently] 19.99 [ok, once more] [deep breath] 37.83 GODDAMMIT
"Dad, we need to talk." "Alright." He grabs a chair and sits. "Dad, you-" He grabs yet another chair. "DAMMIT DAD YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS"
I remember the days when I wasn't addicted to Facebook...I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,
I used to have a morbid fear of German sausage..... Its been hard, Ive been through therapy but now I think I'm over the wurst.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time....
NSFW Dad walks into a room And sees his daughter masturbating with a carrot. "Daamn" - he says: "I was going to eat that later! And now it's gonna taste like carrots!!!"
What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale? White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"
Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
A patient comes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." "Well, you'd better go to psychiatrist. Because I'm a dentist." "Yeah, but you had the light on."
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head] "What are you supposed to be?" ME: I'm not wearing a costume
Why don't black people go on cruise ships? They aren't gonna fall for that one again.
What kind of amphibian is hired to take your car away? Toad. Thanks, HammerElectionBeans for the edit.
How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder. "Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"
Wanted to do something patriotic today so I bought a gun and fifty Big Macs.
Me: Is that seat taken? You: You are pointing at my face... Me: I know.
What is brown and bad for teeth? A brick.
Did you hear the rumor that Sodium was dating Chloride? Na, I would take that for a grain of salt.
I hate being bipolar... It's great!
Ran into the apple store and used their bathroom .... iPeed
I tried to watch the paralympic games.. I couldn't though because the channel was disabled
Why did a man throw his breakfast out the window? He was a cereal defenestrator.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
She can argue for 4 hours straight... but ten minutes into a blowjob and her jaw hurts.
What do Jewish pirates wear? YARRRRMULKES.
What's the difference between an apple? A bike because a vest has no sleeves.
What do you call a 7 foot tall Ellen Pao? Pao Ming.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I've been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Where does the army keep fish? In a tank.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror. In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
How do we know that slaves went to college? They all had masters
What do you call it when a blond dyes her hair? Artificial Intelligence.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn? Her: anything is fine Me: ........ok Sarah, let's get started.
Why did yo girl cross the road? (Joke from one of my 5th graders) Cause she saw me. Another: Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause he saw some chicks.
What did the white supremacist say to his friend after watching a plot twist? I did Nazi that coming.
Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"  Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
"I just want to meet a nice guy." -Girls who exclusively date assholes
The church across the street opened a new Jesus-themed ferris wheel. Their accountant told me they needed it to turn a prophet.
How'd you sleep last night? Like God during the holocaust.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we'll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I hate when girls have "taken" in their bio like that movie wasn't even that good
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was in a race with the egg, but I'm not sure who came first.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn't 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
If only people were named after their tattoo's. This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.
Now that Britain has left the EU, you'll need a Visa to get in and around ...for everything else, there's Mastercard.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I've eaten 107 push-up pops.
When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers I stop at nothing to avoid them.
I got the job as a psychic! I don't know how.
I'm not saying all my friends are Pot Heads But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater
I'm like a midget with premature ejaculation I have a lot of shortcomings
I have two vices; smoking and masturbation. I'm a twenty a day man, and I smoke like a chimney.
IT: You deleted the OS? Me: I think so. IT: It didn't warn you? Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What's with the inquisition bro?
What do you call a dog who got re-elected for mayor? A dog with pawlitical experience.
What's Sad About Lunch in Ethiopia? There is no lunch.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If a woman says, "all men think with their dicks" Well... then blow my mind.
Yo Mama is so fat...when she took her shirt  off at the strip clubeveryone thought she was Jabba The Hut from Star Wars
I nearly bought a car today but had a lucky escape when I checked the fine print I discovered it had driver aids ..!
The suspect was found dead with his genitals inside a jar of peanut butter... Dare I say he was... Fucking nuts.
What idiot called it.... What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket} "Can I buy one even if I've done sex?" Um. Yes sir "Cause I have" Okay "I've done all of it" Please go
Why cant you watch TV in Afghanistan? Because of the tele-ban.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because they'll never find the body.
For sale, homeless man. Still in box
They figured out where the terrorists have been hiding their armies. In their sleevies.
Deez Nutz GOTEM!
My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk, but I'll show her!
Arwen and Elrond https://i.imgur.com/meGn3q2.jpg
'Expect the unexpected' Now that would make the unexpected the expected, but since the expected is being expected, then that would mean it wasn't the unexpected, so what the fuck do we expect?
A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket. 'Oh great, some arsehole's got my pen.'
How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out on the screen. How do you know that another blonde has been using the computer? Someone has written on the white-out.
My grandpa was one of the Holocaust survivors... But then again, most guards survived.
BOY: Dad , is a mermaid girl or a fish ? DAD : Well son that depends weather you are HORNY or HUNGRY .
Something went wrong .. ha ha A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
That's a really big gun in your pants. And that's how you get out of a speeding ticket.
You wanna hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.
Mood ring Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
My mom wants 3-D eye surgery to see 3-D movies without glasses. I told her they don't exist. She doesn't care. Operation's next Tuesday.
What do you call an Asian who's tolerable some of the time? Occasionally (OK Asian Lee).
Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
What does a Jewish cat say at weddings? Meowzel tov
Oregon have legalised marijuana and are creating a new strand It's called Oregon-o... ^^^I'm^^^Sorry.
Man's March (on Washington) Can be observed every day at 8am. Also known as going to work.
AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle Oops, wrong sub.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bruno ! Bruno who ? Bruno more tea for me !
What do you call a moving company owned by cows? A bunch of moooovers.
Facebook: Hate people you've met. Twitter: Love people you haven't.
Russian joke "Daddy I want an ice cream." "I want an ice cream too, son. But we only have enough money for vodka."
[in a mosh pit] why is everyone so upset
What did the fireman say when he noticed his hammer was on fire? This is not a drill.
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide
2016 Denial 2017 Anger 2018 Bargaining 2019 Depression 2020 Acceptance
I spend way too much time deciding on whether I should use "Lol", "Lmao", "Rofl", or "Haha" in my text message.
Why did the computer science student drop out? He just couldn't hack it.
*googles murder tips *adds "asking for a friend" at the end of each search They won't be able to prove a thing! *evil cackles
How did one gold atom greet the other gold atom? 'ey you.
well its a strange request "pleease" ok ok [doctor says test results again only this time in arnold schwarzenegger voice] its naht a toomah
Want to hear a sex joke? On second thought, you wouldn't get it. It's an insider joke.
if you don't appreciate Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, I guess you could say you're taking him for granite. thanks & God bless
What do you call a colored man ? A Hueman
I used to wonder... ...why golf tournaments aren't called Stroke-Offs Then I turned 12.
A logician's wife is having a baby... She gives birth and they hand the baby to him. "Is it a boy or a girl?" she asks. "Yes" he replies.
How do metal guitarists handle their expensive instruments? Very Djently.
Told my kid not to touch the floor of the bathroom, so he licked the doorknob instead. The dumb is strong in this one.
Q: What walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon & three at night? A: The bloodthirsty shapeshifter who hides among us. Trust no one.
How did one Brain apologise to the other? I'm cerebro
If you spell race car backwards... You get what Honda owners wish they had.
DOC: good news is you'll make it ME: phew! DOC: ...into the the record book for stupidest way to die ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*
What's the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go to a store without robbin'.
So a pirate wants to get his ears pierced... He goes to the mall where he finds an ear piercing kiosk and asks the girl how much it would cost. The girl turns and says, "Oh hi! It's a buccaneer!"
You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it "Chumbawumba," right?
When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.
Do you know what's cooler than those fake chains around your license plate? Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I was gonna make a joke about butts Butt fuck it.
How exactly was a black hole sun supposed to wash away the rain, Soundgarden?
"OPEN THE DOOR IT'S THE POLICE" who is it? "POLICE" what is a police *cops start whispering* "how does he not know what a police is"
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? Both have to smell it, but neither can taste it.
The bartender asks him what he'd like to drink. A time traveler walks into a bar.
Brian Williams told me if I lied I can get to the front page.
What's the difference between a suicide vest and a feminist? The vest actually does something when it's triggered.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco* Sir, you wanna box for those? "Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?"
My parents took away my mood ring . . . . . . I don't know how I feel about it.
What is JigSaw's favorite genre of music? Trap
What would santa be if he was a farmer? A jolly rancher.
In my spare time I like to.... Comment the funniest thing, it doesn't have to be true
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
Q: Why did the barber win the race? A: He knew a short cut.
Why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly? So he could look at others' faces.
Every so often my mother has a great idea, usually it involves leaving my house.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm....
What did the unimpressed wind turbine say? I'm not a fan.
I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub. They told me to try Vine.
People who say, "nothing could ever tear us apart", must not know about sharks.
How do you get into a pool full of women? Easy, it's called muff diving.
There were two old men... That were sitting on their porch, when a dog comes up and starts licking his dick. One old man said, "I wish I could do that " Then the other said, "that dog would bite you."
The only way I'd want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn't "easy breezy" just another way to say "slutty and flatulent?"
There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.
A bear and rabbit take a shit together The bear says "dont you hate it when you got shit on your fur?" "Not at all" says the rabbit Then,the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit
why do nice girls always go for the assholes? I don't even like pegging.
How many tickles does it take to make laugh an octopus ? Ten tickles
How many ears does Spock have? Three, a left ear, right ear, and a Final Frontier.
I like my men like I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.
What kind of Bees make milk? Boobies.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item Cashier: Are these good? Me: No. I'm buying all of them just to save others from suffering
What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
How do you kiss a girl on valentines day? You use tulips.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
He held up my pants and said "Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??" Judge: Not guilty. You're free to go.
What's black yellow and covered in  blackberries ? A bramble bee !
Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend's son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.
Ricky Martin: Livin' la vida homo.
3yo: I don't want a walk Me: Come on, it'll be fun braving the elements [An hour later] 3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
The blonde tip-toed near the medicine cabinet so that she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. This is not a joke, ambien serious!
My deity ignored my prayers today. The sacrifice was a disaster. First, I didn't have the correct incantation, and then the goat knocked over the candles. I guess two wrongs don't make a rite.
What does an Irish terrorist attack and a gambling addiction have in common? Dublin down
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment? Tenants.
ladies say I'm a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I'm uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If it's any consolation, Jim Morrison, Biggie Smalls, and Jesus would all have died from natural causes by now.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
The name's Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
What do you call an army of corn? The Musket - ears
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Well, I just had this Epiphany, but I'm a little worried ... I think she might be underage.
I've found a place with 90% recycling rate r/jokes
I don't understand the big deal about same sex marriage Ask any married couple, they'll tell you the sex has been the same for years
What does seven days without exercise make? One weak!
[roommate watching me get ready] dont take that with you "why not" why would you "it'll be fine" [hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I like my women like I like my whiskey. Aged five years and in a barrel.
How do you keep a man in suspense?
Fee Fie Foe Fum What is Fee Fie Foe Fum Fum Foe Fie Fee? Mike Tyson's inmate number.
They now have an Italian airline that flies out  of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.
What did the romaine say to the spinach before they started to eat? Lettuce pray.
Now that Brexit is over we can expect 1. Nexit 2. Frexit 3. Grexit 4. Departugal 5. Italeave 6. Czechout 7. Outstria 8. Finish 9. Slovakout 10. Latervia 11. Byegium 12. Polend
14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana? Me: Today? 14yo: What? Me: What?
Why was the nerd not late for class? ...He booked it.
What's it like to have a social life? Asking for a friend.
If at first you don't succeed... Well, there goes your skydiving career.
"Doctor, I have an embarrassing medical problem..." NSFW Well, what is it?" asks the doctor. "I have five penises." "Five penises!," exclaims the doctor, "How does your underwear fit?" "Like a glove!"
I like my women like i like my coffee... Bitter.
Thought up this joke the other day What's the difference between a deaf dog and a one night stand? The one never comes when he's called and the other never calls after he comes.
I combined all my wrist watches to make a belt I guess you could say it was a *waist* of time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Man goes to the Doctor Doctor, my dick is shaped like a rocket. Well, I bet your wife is over the moon about it.
What is the difference between a hormone and a enzyme ? You can't hear an enzyme.
Women just want security At least that's what they start yelling when I try to talk to them!
Want to know how to lose 100 pounds? Go to the London casino...
What kind of bee will not take credit for his contributions? A Humblebee.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don't come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Women Are Like Crawfish A whole lotta' work for a little bit of tail. xd
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bail.
An Irish man walks out of a bar hahaha
if ur mom kisses the dog he becomes ur dad
What did the existential pig say? What ham I?
Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say "Was it all fun and games up until that point?"
If you didn't get caught did you really do it?
Whenever I feel discouraged, I remember the words of my then-3 yr old after she puked carrots on the floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots."
You're not sure  outrun and make sure.
I love when a girl posts a selfie with "no filter" but the shit is so blown out you can't even see her nose.
A bunch of Greeks queued up in a line...
Gas is $4 a gallon and girls still think we're coming over to just "chill."
My girlfriend is the best hooker in the country All her fellow rugby players agree.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland? They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"
Do you know why the nobles always mistreated their peasants? Because they're all a bunch of vassals.
Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his ass, chocolate sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks. Police think he topped himself.
The Fed is thinking of minting a new coin with Obama's face on it It'll be worth 60 (.60 = 3/5)
Believe what a plumber says They've seen some shit.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis
Destroying the Death Star was a terrorist act. Allah Ackbar!!!!!
I'll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.
What happens when a magician gets mad? He rips out his hare!
Knock Knock... Knock Knock Who's there? Tom Hulce. Tom Hulce who? That's Hollywood.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
You know what the say about men with big shoes? They have big socks.
Want to hear a joke about coffee? Decaf.
Why didn't the motorcycle want to go for a ride? It was two tired...
A few weeks ago I wrote happy Eid to the Muslims and autocorrect changed it to Happy IED. It almost blew up in my face.
Easter Kids' Joke Why can't you sniff out Easter Eggs? (In a tone like you have no idea) "No bunny nose" -Made up this morning in bed to a very dissatisfied girlfriend
So my grandmother came up to me and asked me to cut a piece of fabric into strips for her. I asked her "What width?" She replied: "with scissors of course."
"They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'" "So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan: 3. Remove moisture from the air 2. Remove odor from the air 1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!
I love rap. I want to be a rapist when I grow up.
What childhood game are orphans not aloud to play? House.
A man was sitting in the electric  chair. The executioner said "Look I'm sorry but I'm going to have to  throw the switch in a minute." The man said "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"
Is that ChapStick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
An old man goes to the gym... An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?" The trainer responds, "The ATM"
[Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?  He wanted something to get his teeth into.
"Hey! check out my new ink" *removes shirt, stands naked* "Dude!, I don't see anything" "It's invisible ink"
What do you call a dance party in Colorado? Shake 'n Bake.
COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Why is salsa dancing so popular? Guacamole dancing is an extra $1.80.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew the light bulb.
When a guy texts "your beautiful," reply with "my beautiful what?" then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
ALCOHOL: The nighttime laughing, slurring, blurring, shouting, pounding head, confidence, so you can turnt shit up medicine.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell] SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as 'Home' address?
I used Apple Maps to find my girlfriend's clitoris Ended up licking a doorknob.
How does the Mexican national anthem start? Jose can you see.....
If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough.
A zombie and a ghost go for marriage counselling And are asked to share their honest feelings The Zombie "Sometimes I feel like you're not even here!" The Ghost "Whatever, you're dead to me"
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it's not on Netflix.
It's actually easy to spell Connecticut if you think Apple are creating a brand new self-harming app. Connect-iCut.
Why Derrick Rose's Rape Allegations Won't Stick. "Just like his knees, it won't hold up in court"
I went to the Reddit restaurant All of its servers were busy...
*slips a 20* How about a private dance "Okay let's go" *heads to private room* "You ready?" Oh hell yeah *we both do the cha cha slide*
Is bb-8 hungry? No, BB-8.
I think the main issue with 'The Hunger Games' is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
What color are mirrors? I don't know, let's reflect on this.
Sometimes it looks like I'm flashing gang signs, but really I'm just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
The worst puns are hot dog puns.
Why is there cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers.
what are your hobbies? Mmm... Sam, Bilbo and Frodo.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just beat the bulb for being broke and the room for being black!
My mom told me it was impossible to build a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
reflection on human being in the world there are two kinds of persons: those who finish what they started and those
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
What is the difference between British and American schoolchildren? British schoolchildren survive hide-and-seek.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor 'cause you might be good for me but I can't read you at all.
What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law? Haram Bay
It's a shame that Samsung cancelled production of the Note 7... but at least they went out with a bang.
Tiger Woods says he's been "blown away" by the reception from fans. Sometimes the setup doesn't need a punchline.
I was researching facts about euthanasia... They're extremely malnourished
What the heck does the "z" in "LOLZ" mean.... "Laugh Out Loud.... Zebras?
Went to the doctors yesterday and was told I have to stop masturbating, Apparently it was upsetting the other people in the waiting room
What does a vampire drink while on a diet? Blood Light.
A Roman walks into a bar... ... holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers please!"
Dominos pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.
If there was award for laziness... . I would send someone else to get it.
Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a  violin? A: You get light music.
What's the difference between a onion and a prostitute? I don't cry when I cut prostitutes.
I tricked my construction coworker at lunch by putting chunks of concrete in his sandwich. He shit a brick after he found out.
A man waiting for a heart transplant... ... says "I only want the heart of a dead lawyer." "Why?" asks the doctor. "I want one that's never been used."
In Russia, you don't vote for Putin... Putin votes FOR you.
What do you call a heard of masturbating cows? ....Beef stroganoff
So a baby seal walked into a club
What did Donald Trump do in Musical theatre? ^^^(jazz-hands)
Reminder guys: if a girl undresses in front of you don't just keep saying "this is terrific" over and over again ok
What do you call a watchful potato? A spectater.
It surely can't be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name
There's lots of reasons to shave your pubic hair as a man... Because it was longer than my dick is apparently not as popular of a reason as I thought.
My girlfriend said she would leave me if I did't stop singing The Monkee's. Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones.  Please pass the wine.
How dwarfs have sex ? Little by little !
They say eating when you're bored is one of the worst things you can do but I think shooting kangaroos is at least equally bad.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Two fish are in a tank One turns to the other and says: "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Which horse runs the city? The mare, of course
I put the 'c**k' in 'puts c**k in anything'.
My wife and I made a vow to never go to bed angry. I'm so fucking tired!
why do women not need to wear watches? there's a clock on the stove
Three men walked into a bar. Don't you think the third one would have ducked?
What's 6 inches long hard, bent, and in my pants? My iPhone 6
I like my women how I like my rum. Dark and full of coke.
Why did the spy steal the laptop? It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.
What is Polish roulette? It's similar to Russian roulette, but instead of a revolver it's played with an automatic pistol.
What do you call Santa without toys? A lost Clause
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH - John Freiler
What does an elderly composer use as a walking aide? A Zimmer frame
What has six eyes but cannot see? Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath
"I can't find my gun" I exclaimed as I rifled through my drawers.
People that keep their chin up probably don't find as much change as I do.
Apparently on Facebook you can "like" that someone "liked" something. I just liked the movie "Inception", and now we wait.
How do you piss off winnie the pooh? Stick 2 fingers in his honey.
Are you a rational function? because I could ride your asymptote to infinity.
What instrument was the predecessor to the tuba? The oneba
What is the difference between Bing Bong and Neil Armstrong? Only one of them made it to the moon.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[Black Humour] What u call a black woman with 7 abortions? Crimefighter
How do you make a cat go woof Throw it in a fire (i know i know dad joke)
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good... Does Santa work for the NSA?
What did the dog say to the tree... You've got a lot of bark, but no bite..
A scientist and a hooker walk into a bar... But find that they can't open the door due to an over-saturation of priests, rabbis, lawyers, and Irishmen inside.
What did the Goat living in Manama say when it starting raining? "BAAAHH RAIN!"
What makes you special? My extra chromosome.
Some say Ambien and vodka make strange bedfellows. I say what a lovely pancake time machine, Madame President. Also, why am I a table?
Love....because sometimes life wants a tag team partner when it fcuks you.
one of my friends told me she's pregnant 10 weeks and 9 days pregnant.
I got a new tag on my car On the front of my car, there's a license plate that says "Dodge." That's not the manufacturer, it's a suggestion.
How does a Jew greet their friends? "Challah!"
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Why can't you trust girls? ...because you can't trust something that bleeds for days and doesn't die.
Me: Mom...Dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I bought a girl a drink at the bar. It hurt to see her give it to her boyfriend. But it was hilarious to see him drink the roofie.
I used to think I was into necrophilia, sadism, and bestiality... once I tried it, I realised I was just beating a dead horse.
Every poop begins with p Read with the Kay jingle in mind.
*interrogating a baby* "Any first words?"
How many dead hookers does it take to change out the light in my basement? Well...apparently more than four.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.
A man trying to scam people into buying land in space was baffled when it didnt work. . . His sign read: 'SPACE AVAILABLE'
How did the media find out that princess Diana had dandruff? They saw her head and shoulders in the glove compartment
TIFU by getting arrested for taking a clock to school
Calling your baby ugly makes me rude? How about you making me look at your ugly baby makes YOU rude.
When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetry disappeared.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My sex life is like finding a parking spot in town. All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one.
Dark comedy is like food Not everyone gets it.
twitter might remove the 140 character limit so i'm putting some 800 word tweets with character development & plot twists in my drafts
I've been thinking about manufacturing and selling landmines disguised as prayer mats... ...prophets would go through the roof!
What lives in the sea and preys on mermaids? Jack The Kipper.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I've been clicking "remind me later" on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I'm not interested?
Having kids is like getting a stupid tattoo... It takes most people a couple years to realize how bad they fucked up.
A Roman walks into a bar... A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.... "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replied, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!
What's the opposite of a mango? Mancome
My wife once told me she was a rich b***h. Turns out she was only half right...
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It's like when you change a baby's clothes- new baby. New baby that's yours now.
My dog stared at me for 10 minutes. Then, like magic, I knew he had to poop. And now, I have my own psychic show on A&E.;
Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably dear. I still have all of mine.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket.. And says "Some asshole's got my pen!"
A blind man walks into a bar... and into a table, and into a chair...
I'm proud to be part of a generation that was once mesmerized by Lite-Brites but now complains if we can't stream HD video on our phones.
*closes twitter* *opens up instagram* *scrolls* *scrolls* *closes instagram* *opens up twitter*
I like my women like my doughnuts... ...with a hole I can stick my dick into.
Nazi jokes... Just aren't Reich.
"The toilet is overflowing." -Sir Isaac Newton
Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.
A gay man killed his cheating boyfriend The Police call it "homocide"
Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.
Her: What are your desires? Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]...Unconventional.
Ugh, I may have lost my "World's Best Dad" keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don't know where she went.
Disney owns Miramax, so the gimp from "Pulp Fiction" is technically a Disney Princess.
Look, Clinton's gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.
What do Monica Lewinsky and an Asian political correspondent have in common? All they talk about is the presidential erection
Don't you sometimes wish that you could just click like' on someone's like'?
An aviation enthusiast enters a bar. He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips."
Lady came to front door & asked if I'd donate to new pool they're building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water
locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other day. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger
Hey! There's no need for name calling... ... You cunt.
Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair? She always wore long gloves to cover it up.
What's the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do
What's the difference between a racist joke and a sexist joke? Racist jokes are offensive.
Life's like a box of chocolates. If you're fat, it doesn't last long.
What are ISIS militants using to stuff their Thanksgiving goat? Their dicks!
4 people were about to have sex I think they were in foursome fun
Why is it that.. ..we still fall for click bait titles?
Q: Where does Santa stash his money? A: In a snowbank.
You shouldn't eat Xmas decorations You will get tinselitis
My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest... He wrote a poem.
Life is like a bag of jelly beans Everyone hates the black ones Edit: First time I've seen this tag! Woot Woot!
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
How did the group of 4 dogs win the golf tournament? They combined for 16 paws.
Going on Reddit is a lot like having sex You have fun for about 30 minutes then it all ends and you look back at the mess you just made.
How do you know the blind exist... if they've never been sighted?
I've grown bored of reality, So I started watching cable news.
The EU have finally come up with a new currency It's Greece proof.
"Do you have this in beige?" - old people
Theres 3 types of people. Those who post old jokes on reddit, and those who can count.
What happens when you eat too much seafood? You begin to feel a little eel.
Just remember whatever you put up with you end up with!
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Knock Knock Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interupti--- MOO!
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they're and there.
What do you get when you roll weed on a dictionary? ...High Definition
Why do we call rulers "Your Highness"? because that's what they measure.
It's sad when a woman has to get breast implants just to keep her husband interested... ...it's even worse when his are still bigger.
I was drinking gin for the first time when I realized... I'm not supposed to lose my ginity until I'm married
A family books a room in a hotel... ... The father goes and says to the receptionist and says I hope the pornography is disabled here and the receptionist goes its normal pornography you sick bastard.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
It's true what they say: shut up.
Odin is a king, Thor got his gender switched to a woman, Disney owns Marvel. So Thor is....A DISNEY PRINCESS KINDA!
What is Shrek's most annoying problem? Swamp Ass.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs Because they always take things literally.
Breaking: It's snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[on a speed date] USUALLY I PREFER COCAINE BUT WOW
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support over here or people will think we're nuts.
What's Donald Trump's favorite drink? A White Russian.   I'm so sorry.
Why did the Mexican decide to become a Buddhist? He wanted to become Juan with everything.
A Roman Walks into a Bar He holds up two fingers, and says "'l'll Have 5 Beers Please"
Have you heard about the new Scientologist car? It's got cruise control...
I quit my job so I had time to file my income tax That's the joke
I used to use alcohol as a crutch at parties Now it's more like Stephen Hawking's computer-chair
What kind of money do snowmen use? Iced  lolly.
Birth Control? Don't kid yourself.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you'll see me doing the worm on the runway
What do you call the president when he is rolling down a snowy hill? An Obama-nable snowman
What's the difference between your dick and your jokes? Nobody laughs at your jokes.
What do you call a vampire that eats period blood? Count Snatchula
Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with  a skunk ? Dirty looks from the mouse !
Origami is Japanese for, "we haven't invented scissors yet"
There was this one time I discovered a time machine... I still remember it like it was tomorrow.
You people don't appreciate me enough. I'm moving my tweets to TBS.
No YOU hug her first .... NO YOU hug her first .... F-that ! YOU hug her FIRST ! .... -Lineup congratulating the Next Ebola free nurse
How do you make a fruit cordial? Be nice to him.
Helium walks into a bar, the bartender says "we don't serve noble gasses here"... helium doesn't react.
You can't spell feminism without men. Women are notoriously bad spellers.
A blonde fox gets caught in a fox trap... After a minute the fox realizes the only way out is to chew off it's leg. Three legs later... it's still in the fox trap.
Got my grades today... ... and I got an A+ in on my Hepatitis test!
S&amp;M My wife and I are into S&amp;M. She goes to Sleep, I Masturbate.
Where was the first chicken fried? In Greece.
F*&amp;%. I keep forgetting the Titans
A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals. Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.
Did you hear Jared Fogle got sentenced to 15.5 years in prison today? Under 16, that is a big win for him. &amp;nbsp; Credit to /u/RandomExcess
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"
Which place has the strongest gravity in the whole universe? Bed
Wondering why my jokes aren't being upvoted. All of my employees laugh at my jokes, so I'm obviously a funny guy.
Kourtney Kardashian named her daughter 'Penelope Scotland Disick'. In a related story, Scotland intends to change name of country ASAP.
An Asian kid ask him mom: "Mom, why do I have to score A in everything?" Him mom replied: "Because we are Asian, not a Bsian or Csian, or Failsian."
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Three feminists walk into a bar. They look at one another and say, "Hooray! We've taken over a male-dominated joke format!"
How does a psychic open a bag of chips? They Tarot.
What did one earthquake say to the other? Hey, it's not my fault.
I'm Not Racist I'm not racist, my slave is a black guy.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said "file this under sad." WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
GF: "you're so childish" me: "it's my day too linda" [we sit in silence] wedding planner: "so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"
What's E.T. short for? Because he has wee legs
What did one ameoba say to the other ameoba? Go fuck yourself.
Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute? Ya gotta hand it to her...
Poker No YouPorn I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.
Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He should have been attending to the sick and left the well alone.
Disclaimer: My jokes are not always based on true events. Use as directed. Side effects may include genital swelling & loss of lunch.
I have a sweet parking spot at Target. I'm just going to sit here for the next 10 minutes with my reverse lights on, pissing people off.
Man: Lima is a capital city in South America. Woman: Peru-ve it!
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench... ...when a man in a trenchcoat walks up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun has a stroke. The third nun couldn't reach.
I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Why could the french man not count to four? He could not get past the tree!
I can't stand people who curse. Fucking disgraceful.
What do you call a gorilla in water? Harambait.
What did Black-Della wear? Whatever her Massa chooses.
Why do women love Jordan Spieth? Because he came second.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I like my men like I like my farts. Wet and old.
I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight. I'm excited, but I don't know where I'll put my plate.
Why did the dead baby cross the road Because I kicked it. Bonus wife is giving birth right now.
Hey McDonalds! I bet there are a bunch of 300lb+ people that want to be in your commercials too!
What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1000 people.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that "La" deserved a better identity than "a note to follow So"
Pro is the opposite of con right? Well then what is the opposite of congress?
What's a plumber's least favorite type of shoe? Clogs.
Hedgehogs... Why can't they just share the hedge?
When pigs have a party who jumps out of the cake?  Nobody. The pigs all jump in.
Merry Christmas to everyone tomorrow... ....Today, fuck you.
Paul walkers new movie.. The flat and the furious.
What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants? Bell-bottoms!
*cop sees chalk outline on family's driveway* "Damn, a cute bunny was murdered" "No, the kids who live here drew that, the body's over here"
*hears robber in house* If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I'm not afraid to use it. "What's Updog?" Not too much haha you? "Robbing you"
They told me not to Blink or I'd miss it... ...But I _______ and I missed it.
Which people do the burgers hate? The ones who are always putting the bite on them!
I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter.
Why did the man eat all of the bananas? Because they were appealing.
Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station.
What is a suicide bomber's biggest fear? Dying alone.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don't wear pants?
[park] STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking ME: Yeah, he's interbred DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread
What do you call a mammoth who conducts an  orchestra? Tuskanini.
Clipity clop, BANG! Clipity clop, BANG! Clipity clop, BANG! Clipity clop, BANG! Clipity clop, BANG! -Amish drive by
Welcome to the BBC. NSFW Welcome to the BBC. Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella? For drizzle.
How do you tell a Communist joke? Repeatedly.
I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine
How do you make the Reddit front page? (Repost)
Did you hear what happened to the private who got caught sleeping with his drill instructor's Chlamydia infected wife? He got an oily discharge.
Oscar Pistorious wanted to buy a new bathroom door His girlfriend was dead against is
Why did the polish navy start putting glass floors on their boats? So every time they went out to sea, they could look at their old ships.
Why can't tampons be friends? They're all stuck-up cunts.
A chicken and an egg just finished having sex The egg starts smoking a cigarette and says "well I guess we know the answer to that question".
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: This is the year I'm going to save money. Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*
What do you call a security guard who works at Samsung? a Guardian of the Galaxy
[talking to family after emergency surgery] Your positive energy saved my life Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If a dwarf gave a dollar to another dwarf they'd be a dollar short.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, "artist". Now I have nothing to pick off.
How do you call a dog with no legs? It does not matter it will not come
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I'm going with the latter
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex. The monkey's name is Earl. He bites.
How does George W. Bush do well on his high school midterms? He uses study strategeries.
What pets think about their owners? A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.
Commercials that never made it to air Here's my entry: "Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life? Next time, use Durex".
I would tell you all a chemistry joke But it probably wouldn't get a reaction
*flips over table* *table flips back up* Table: You got a problem? Me: DO YOU? Table: ... Me: HUH? Table: ... Me: I SAID DO WE HA- Table: No
Doctor Doctor I'm on a diet and  it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear that's a lot of calories!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? You don't know...? Oh.. Man, that's lame.
Having sex is like you're doing fractions it is improper for the larger one to be on top
How much space is left in EU? 1 GB
Friend- "You're drunk." Me- *mocking voice* "You're drunk." Friend- "Stop." Me- *morphs into clone of friend* "Stop."
What do you call a smart blonde? A mircale
Why is Six afraid of Seven? Porque Siete ocho Nueve!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I'm just going to let him die.
Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office.
You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each other's hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".
If Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down. It knows better.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
I fucking hate gravity It keeps pulling me down
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
eer booze and fun!' 'What happened when the barman died? The police held an inn-quest
A neutron walks into a bar... and inquires how much a drink costs. The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
I was angry when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it
Why can't Two-Face kill Batman? Because he's two Dents.
Two prostitutes were walking down the street when one said to the other "Girl, we're gonna be making some money tonight. I can smell dick in the air." The other says "Bitch please. I just burped."
Women love to cook Because they get to continuously change something until it's exactly what they want
I just bought a new computer... When i turned it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it said " Hello". It's a Dell.
Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don't think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.
Why are Jewish Men Circumcised? Because Jewish women don't touch anything unless it's 20% off!
Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama
You should never trust a Scottish tailor. It'll get you kilt.
Programming "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" very long pause.... "Java." :)
I think Trump will be a great president Just had to put my two Pence in there
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I've loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Oprah and Hilary have a backup plan if trump wins The catcher in the rye is going to be featured in Oprah's book club
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently it's called kidnapping
How do you know if a black lady is pregnant? If she pulls out her tampon and all the cotton has been picked.
I was blessed with a rather large penis. That's when my local priest was arrested.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
[beach] [a foot washes up] [next, a boot] [I combine them] [more parts arrive] [I keep building] [I stand back] ME: Oh no..you?! HITLER: Yep
A man walked inside an interior decorators convention and everyone was laughing... He asked what's so funny. "It's an inside joke".
Date: so what do you do Me: i build dog houses Date: oh you're an "arf"itect lol Me: haha good one Date: Me: (under breath) it's "bark"itect
Why does Snoop Dog always smile like he knows something you don't? Because he's been snooping around.
The hearing-aid A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter. Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate. Waiter: What?
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
There's a party in my pants, with an all you can eat buffet, and a VIP entrance in the rear.
Two fish are in a tank One says to the other i'll man the guns you drive
What do you call a camel with three humps? Pregnant.
*nervously plays with tie* "I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews." That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Whenever I'm nervous on a business call, I just envision the person on the other end of the phone as a muppet.
Me: My head hasn't been in the right place lately. GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Why have the French lost the war? They have to eat a dessert after each meal.
Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment. Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.
Why are black fathers always missing? Because white cops always shoot them for no reason.
No Grandma, an iPad is not a new brand of Maxi Pads
What do you call a chameleon that doesn't change color? A reptile dysfunction.
I found a cat camping in a game today. What a pussy.
"There's no defense for child pornographers. They are the lowest, most despicable scum on the face of the earth. ...and I fully believe they should be prosecuted as if they were adults."
.one-liner here lately i.ve been feeling a void in my life; it.s probably nothing...
'I HATE drama!' -Dramatic people
What is the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks while he fits and the other one....
Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant? He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.
Donuts aren't actually nuts... ...they're legumes.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking, but the invention of the broom swept the nation.
Gwen Stefani: this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means... Cut to kid opening lunch box
How many mexicans? how many mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Juan.
What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? Hide and Go Seek Champion, 1973.
It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
So I hear Reddit likes cats. Anyone ever hear the joke about the cat on the roof? Ehhh never mind. It's over your head.
no pun intended if you heard a dozen puns and only thought two of them were funny, does that mean no pun in ten did make you laugh
What's blue and tacky? Smurf shit
The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix... that tweekers are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
What do woman and KFC have in common After the breast and the thigh there is nothing left but a greasy box to stick your bone in.
What do you call someone who designs playgrounds? A Park-itect
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you call a crappy joke on /r/Jokes? sub-standard.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?
What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy? Poverty
The horse name is Friday A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it? The horses name is Friday
What do you call a group of nit picky redditors? A headache.
"...This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right." -my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever
My wife was complaining about how the washing machine was making a lot of noise lately. I told her to put a sock in it.
I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries
Apparently my girlfriend is a lot like JIRA... They're REALLY good for creating issues.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I got hit by a truck with a camouflage paint job. It came out of nowhere.
When I get naked my shower gets turned on.
If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards does it become Highway to Hell?
What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days ? One is a weak one and the other one week !
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If gay marriage is wrong, then why did we have four fathers?
Did you hear about the locomotive that always did what it was told? It was really well trained.
Gender fluid I'm gender fluid. Some times I'm a man, and some times I'm a woman. It depends on which restroom is available.
Is syphilis forever? Or is it kinda like... Clap on, Clap off?
What's the difference between a round piece of plastic and a babies head? I don't use a round piece of plastic as a shift knob.
No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.
Why did the hillbilly cross the road? Because he couldn't get his dick out the chicken
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
The internet is amazing One minute you're at work looking at random webpages; the next, you're at home looking for a new job
The Apple store in town got robbed last night the police have sent out an appeal for iWitnesses
When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" and they'll laugh and laugh
Two Irish men walk into a bar. I would've thought one of them would have seen it.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of green tarmac on his head... The landlord says to the rest of the customers: "Don't talk to him! He's a **cycle path**!" Ba Dum Tss!
why are most reddit posts medium rare? because they certainly aren't rare, and are definitely not well done.
"This looks like an open and shut case!" a police detective buying luggage.
What has six eyes but can't see? Three blind mice.
A Mother is cleaning her kids room... She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband Mom: What do we do? Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do you better not spank him!!
My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.
I went to this great German bar They called it the Wunderbar
What's better than double-fisting a newborn? HADOUKEN!!!
Vaccine to cooties 4chan
Where does Daredevil sign contracts? On the dotted line. *Revised from an earlier attempt.
Large Group of Lions Seen Mating on the Banks of the Zambesi River Upstream of the Victoria Falls Pride cums before a fall.
What does a stripper do to her asshole before she goes to work? Puts the help wanted ads by the 12pack in the fridge and begs him for the millionth time to look for a job today.
What do you call a pokemon with a venereal disease? A PENISSAUR!
Don't you hate it when you meet a hot girl who says she's "bi"... ...then the next morning you realize she meant "polar".
What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea? North Koreans have no Seoul. Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane.
What did the tooth say to the  dentist? "Fill 'er up!"
What do you call a Jew with heartburn? An acidic Jew.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
What do you call red neck foreplay? Bitch get in the truck.
Did you guys ever hear the peanut butter joke? Actually nevermind. It may spread
[sanitation worker knocks at my door] The amount of McDonald's related trash we're collecting from your home each week has us concerned.
What do you call a Latino whos car got nicked? Carlos-t
On talk shows, whenever the celebrity guest takes a casual sip from their branded mug, I like to imagine it's full of blood
What do you call a fish with no eyes. A FSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rock stars are always hitting the people they date.... Because they want everything to be a smashing success. After I wrote this, I'm reevaluating my life.
Hobbies include: 1. Crying about the past 2. Procrastinating in the present 3. Worrying about the future
Why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks? It was a comma dating.
The Artist I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.
Me: That the new iPhone? Him: Yup! The 5S! Me: What's the difference? Him: The C stands for "Cheap" Me: What about the S? Him: "'Spensive"
Text: How come you stopped drinking? Me: Because I kept waking up with you. Her: I hate you.
A blonde is walking She notices a banana peel a few steps away. She sighs "oh no, I'm gonna fall again!".
Some thieves stole tofu. Authorities have no leads yet on this tasteless crime. credit to The Oregonian, pretty much
What did Adele's chicken say? Hello from the other side...
I fell and hit my head on my drum set today... Me: Dad, I think I have a concussion Dad: No son, you have a PER-cussion
I need to borrow some cheese can I get a provolone?
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can jam my dick in your ass.
A really funny joke. http://youtu.be/h8ycKKA7LZI A work-in-progress from my stand-up set. Tell me what you think!
Did you know about this breed of horses? This breed can jump higher than the average house. You might think, WOW, how can this be? Well, it has very strong legs and the average house can't jump.
The difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb You can unscrew a lightbulb.
"Do you love me more than you love sleep?" "I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
The Gay Magician Hey, Did you hear about the gay magician?........... He pulled a rabbit out of his ass!
Mother-in-laws Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says "My mother-in-law is a saint," To which the other man replies "You're so fucking lucky! Mine's still alive,"
A Magician's 3rd trick is usually a Hat-Trick.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
What do you call a monster with a wooden head? Edward.
What did the farmer say to the chocolate cow? Get to the back of the meat grinder!
A cop pulled me over and said ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!'' and drove off like a boss!
Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow. My comment: it's cheating if Jesus helps you. Solidifying my black sheep status
Whoever named it 'rain' is an idiot. I definitley wouldve called it 'sky water.'
What do you call an election in Syria? A civil war
I really wish my coworker would stop asking me so many god damn work related questions while I'm staring at my phone
Knock Knock Who's there ! Agent ! Agent who ? Agentle breeze !
My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. "No, I'm a professional," probably wasn't the answer he expected.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like? Have kids.
What do Christians and Muslims have in common They think it's a sin to use condoms when raping 5 YEAROLDS
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because this joke was so bad, even Dane Cook wouldn't steal it.
; TL;DR - ,
Steve would be a terrible name for a pegasus.
What is a burp? A fart taking the elevator.
A recent survey asked 12 year old's what was their best accomplishment in 2015. 87 percent of them answered "your mom"
How do you make a Welshman fall asleep? Ask him how much sex he's had in his lifetime.
Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond? He was taking a sheet.
When did Anakin Skywalker become a mohel? When he cut through the Force-kin.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he's dead.
Do you want to hear the funniest joke in the world? Me too.
What is white, floats, and says "Boo"? A ghost boat.
Did you know that Samsung also manufacture hangar ships? Must be because of all their ports left Open. (l8 to the party i know)
I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can't sleep.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you've listed "gets jokes" ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
You should really start thinking before you speak...and while you're at it, you should also think before you think.
Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.
Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD.
Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard... I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and another to hold the penis. ladder! I meant ladder.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[Horrible Joke] Why did the pretzel maker break his PC? He was too salty. (Overwatch competitive)
What kind of snake is good at building things? A boa constructor.
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
*takes 400 selfies to find one I think is good enough to post* caption: Just a random quick shot, I love capturing these special moments
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A picture of Jesus only needs *one nail* to hold it up.
The only way I'd get within six feet of some people is if I'm standing on their grave.
Do you remember Buckwheat from the little rascals? He recently converted to Islam. And became Kareem of Wheat.
"Time is an arbitrary concept" is apparently a bad way to explain to your boss why you missed the project deadline
Today Reddit finally removed reposting... I guess that's why there's no front page.
I would vote for Trump if I could because I've never seen a president get assassinated
I went to an Indian restaurant and asked for curry bread. But there was naan.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts? With Jammin'.
There's an app to show who's unfollowed you lately? Damn, that sounds depressing. If my number drops I just assume it's because they died.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool...
I lost my mood ring I really just don't know how to feel about it.
I told my friend about the Muslim slave trade the other day... "Dubai?" He asked "Yes, and sell" I replied.
How does Hitler tie his shoesies? With little nazis.
there once was a man from nantucket whose butthole was as wide as a bucket when it was full of goop, how did he poop? very carefully lmao
A feminist claims that she is independent enough to pay for her own bills And then she complains when her boyfriend doesn't pay for dinner
Friday. My second favorite F word.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me "The defendant" for a full day.
English people smh... 75% of English people do not know the opposites to these words. Always Coming From Take Me Down
Clever Husband. Husband: Today is Sunday &amp; I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: Why Three? Husband: It's for you and your parents.
put this tweet on the news
The cool thing about being happy is you get to live in crippling fear that it will all go away soon
What did the wife say as she left her Mexican husband? I'm sorry but I love another Juan.
What does a pedophile and a turtle have in common? They both wanna get there before the hare does.
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were on a boat, who would survive? Answer: America
[Date] Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat Her: thanks! i'll have a mai tai Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
ok ok so my last one wasn't very popular ,but i got another one !! here it goes ... "i don't beeleeve you" get it ? it's a joke about bees !!!!! XD upvote it it was funy and made u laugh ..
What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother? She finds out her son is gay, but is dating a doctor.
What video game console can you not be upset while playing? The Nomad
My friend tried to get an anal piercing and failed... They're still butthurt about it.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Why don't ghosts play sports? Boo!
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you...
Doctor doctor I've got a little sty. Then you'd better buy a little pig.
Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors. Gun beats everything.
Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's probably too cheesy.
My goal weight is to stop hearing 'you have a great personality'
I take offense to this subreddit... ...and use it to keep the animals out.
Is your ass the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty? Cause your booty is disarming
"I'm not a big horse person" - a lying centaur
A fellow pupil asks little Johnny -Johnny how do you know when your sister has the period? -Umm, it's when daddy's weener tastes of poo!
The brain is a wonder ful thing Why do you say that ? Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class !
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's arse? A mechanic.
Whenever somebody hits me, I yell, "Somebody grab the pepper..." "...I was just as**sa**u**lt**ed!"
If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"
"I'd hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
How do you turn your dishwasher into a snow plow? Give her a shovel
So a kid starts cussing in Social Studies class Another kid hears it and tells the teacher. Teacher confronts kid, saying "Tom says you were swearing.." Kid replies, "That's fucking bullshit!"
Sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they get married and ruin everything.
Did you hear about the cannibal who past his uncle in the jungle?
"Hey. Here's some free oxygen. No prob! All I ask is that you don't let your dogs piss on m- Oh there he goes. He's pissing on me." -trees
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? After you slap it, a mosquito will stop sucking.
I just discovered my new room mate is secretly a hard core racist and i wonder if should report him to the police. The dude takes part in illegal high speed car races at midnight
So with the iPhone 6S coming out... I'm guessing it will be a huge 6-s.
Need an ark? I Noah guy
Where does Dracula buy his writing supplies? Pencilvania.
Last weekend I prevented a rape. It didn't take much. You can do it too. [xpost /r/TwoXChromosomes] I kept it in my pants.
Kid: But dad I don't want to go to Australia. Dad: Shut and keep digging
What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull terrier in a childrens' playground
If you're having reception problems with your phone... Just shove an antenna up a girl's ass, then yell at her face. Then you will officially have a receptionIST!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
How to taste wine: 1. Slosh. 2. Smell. 3. Slosh. 4. Place ear over glass to hear the flavor. 5. Write short historical fiction starring wine
Whats the difference between Australia and a yoghurt? Leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 300 years and it'll develop a culture
What do you get when you sit under a cow? A Pat on the head
What's Iron Man's favorite ride at the carnival? The ferrous wheel.
News: Ireland has now legalized ecstasy, meth, and mushrooms due to an unexpected legal loophole. In other news: I have a plane to catch.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Carrie ! Carrie who ? Carrie me home I'm tired !
How many Suhhh Dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam
i microwaved an apple to see what would happen but nothing happend and now i just have a really warm apple i don't know what i was expecting
Sitting on the Toilet Scrolling through dating apps while on the toilet is the best idea... etiher way you're gonna find shit.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work! h/t to Big Mike, Tha Gangsta of Luv.
Whats long, hard, and full of semen? A submarine.
Why Are Cats Bad Debaters? Because they're always pussyfooting!
So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"
You won't believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just...stopped. Scary, huh?
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn't even know I was in the cupboard.
Elsa My daughter just told me this before bed. Why is Elsa not allowed a balloon? Because she'll let it goooo
Say "beer can" in a British accent. You just said "bacon" in a Jamaican accent.
Studies show 9 out of 10 people prefer sex. Why do you think that is
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those that get it and those that don't.
Hotel guest: Can you give me a room and a bath please? Porter: I can give you a room but you'll have to wash  yourself.
Hitler wasn't all that bad, He killed Hitler.
Yes, of course I love French films. Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
So the business man turned into a priest... He talks alot about his new profit!
A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs. I think he might be a Thyme traveller.
Why does it seem like 90% of Redditors are hardcore liberal atheists? Because the conservatives are at work.
What do performing oral sex on a constipated woman and working for the Mafia have in common? One wrong slip of the tongue and you'll probably wind up in deep shit.
ME: I hate owls [Owl turns his head 180] OWL: What? ME: Oh I didn't see you there OWL: Are you talking behind my back? ME: I'm...I'm not sure
I really hope it's a typo on your resume where it says you're "goat oriented".
Dad: Do you know Dop Ted? Son: What's Dop Ted? Dad: You are! Son: Good one, Dad! Dad: I'm not your dad!  \_()_/ 
Chuck Norris... Chuck Norris threw a grenade and 50 people died, then the grenade exploded.
What is on the Pink Panther's to-do list? To-do, to-do, to-do, to-do, to-dooooooo
Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I. Classic from "What About Bob"
Hi I'm 37 yrs old. According to folklore, I've swallowed 259 spiders, 47 moths, 3 coyotes, and a grizzly bear in my sleep since I was born.
Last night I tried a new Thai restaurant. It was nice... They had a pick your own kitten cage on the counter.
Why was Luke Skywalker convicted of rape ? He used the force .
There was a kidnapping in my school today. Thank god he woke up.
Mid-'90s joke I just made up: Steven Tyler made a new version of Dude Looks Like A Lady... it goes "Dude looks like his daughter!"
Better than a Cuppa Joe! With a picture of a rooster...hahaha http://poptrendz.com/collections/t-shirts/products/womens-t-shirt-2
Another tasteless joke about Alzheimer's? Forget it.
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
The name is Berry Dickenson (shitty oc)... ...As in I wish to bury my dick in your son.
What comes out of the mating of a donkey and a bunny? the bunny's eyes
I probably shouldn't boast, but, no matter what city I'm in, the banner ads say the same three hot chicks are dying to meet me.
*Looking through binoculars Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, but He probably hired Steve to help decorate the garden.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90's kids just yell out "in west Philadelphia born & raised" then u got like 2 min to run
D'you want to hear a spoiler for the Jumanji remake? Robin Williams dies
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I'll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
#1: Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
This guy said,"I can predict what's going to happen to your nose." I thought,"Crikey! It's Nostril-damus!'
Let's play the lion and the lion tamer Open your mouth and I'll give you the meat
Happy March 14th to all the MEN out there.... (not sure what it is?? GOOGLE IT)
How to make a grown man cry. Take him shopping with you.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
If you are going to send me boob pics, try and save them in the right image format. As a Nerd it's a major turnoff to get a .bmp
This may be one all of you have heard, but what do Eric Clapton and coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? BECAUSE There was no chemistry. LOL
Mother: Jared get your little sister's hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can't mum she's got it strapped too tight under her chin!
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A man sits next to a beautiful professional looking woman on an airplane. Lol i just got it pretty funny :-)
Abortions occur when the Stork is flying over a ravine, gets tired of carrying things and says "Fuck this."
Why isn't /u/JokeExplainBot here anymore? There aren't jokes here. There are reposts here.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up!
What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler
You're about as unique as a Bob Marley poster.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement. THEY'RE EVOLVING.
When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ. And you BOTH grab it at the same time.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum? A: She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.
I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn
My car's GPS has learned to say "Your other left."
What do you call an all black sorority? A minority
Did you know gullible came from ancient Greek? The prefix 'gulli' meaning 'believing' and the suffix 'ble' meaning 'ble-shit'.
One day I'd like to donate to the porn industry for all the free porn I've watched. They've gotten me through some hard times.
Hey, I heard someone is writing a book about your life. Guess who the author is? J.K. ROFLING, because your life is a joke.
Let me tell you a joke. A mathematician walks into a bar and says.. "Let me tell you a joke. A mathematician walks into a bar and says.."
What does fucking your girlfriend and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
Oh trust me, I am very racist I ran plenty of marathons
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where ever you left him!
Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year? Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.
What do you call a bunch of killer whales playing musical instruments? An orca-stra.
You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.
My friend lives in Colorado and told me he wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea. The steaks would be too high.
I started a band called 999 megabytes We still haven't gotten a gig
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if you crushed his spirit by telling him how worthless he was and deprived him of a good education?
An oldie but goldie! *How do you stop a charging bull?* ***Take away its credit card!*** wa-waa-waaaa! ~Skip
How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying.
[in Walmart] "Excuse me, do you have towels?" "Oh, I don't work here." [leans in close] "I don't give a shit where you work."
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time] OMG a foot!
Why are artificial eyes made from glass? They gotta be see-through
Did you hear about the man who was found dead shortly after insulting one Mr. T Crews? He died of dissin' Terry.
Older Brother: "Hooray! School's out! I'm free! I'm free!" Younger Brother: "So what? I'm four!"
I scream, you scream, we all scream for gelato.
Little girl/boy: "Mommy, I want to be a [PERSON I DISAGREE WITH] when I grow up." Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."
If someone acts shocked that you haven't read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, "Yeah, I heard it sucks"
Why did the baker have brown fingers? Because he kneaded a shit.
The couple at the table next to me thinks some really weird girl is eavesdropping on their conversation but I don't see her anywhere.
Who is Ric Flair's favorite director? John WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What do you call someone who's pretending to be from Sicily? Amoxicillin
What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common? Hogwarts.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident? He's alright, though.
I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug
What do Donald Trump and Mondays have in common Nobody likes them.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club I was confused, I'd never met herbivore
What do we have for dinner? Wookie steak. Is it any good? Well its a little Chewy
"Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz," Janet cried. "Where does it stop?" 8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for
What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil ? One rarely bites and the other barely writes !
Here is a joke I just read Question: How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: I'm better than you.
What's red, white, and black all over? a newspaper
A word is worth 1/1000th of a picture.
Why are Omegle and Chatroulette great dating sites? Because they have plenty of members.
What would Triple H and Jenna Jameson's adult film be called? The Piledriver: No Holes Barred
"Give me a moment" "Give me a moment," says the physicist as he sits in his desk chair. He wonders why nobody has spun him around yet.
Q: How is a thief like a thermometer on a hot day? A: They are both up to something.
At some point your mother has purposely clicked on a link displaying a black penis. Sweet dreams.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
What do you call a spouse of 30 years? A stalemate.
Women are like convertibles. They're a lot more fun when the top's down.
I Hate Jamaicans in Bed Because they jam you till your aican
Mexican Education NSFW Why don't they teach sex education and driver's education on the same day in Mexico? Too tough on the donkeys.
Make a man a fire: he'll be warm for the night Set a man on fire: he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea ? Because they climb into tins close the lid and leave teh key outside !
What's long, hard and a bit shitty at the end? This joke.
why do blonds love door knobs because every body gets a turn
A good friend of mine drowned the other day We put a life jacket on his coffin, it's what he would have wanted.
What is your favorite "My dick is so big.." joke? Mine is, "My dick is so big that, at the movie theater, popcorn comes in small, medium, large and my dick."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I dont know what hes laced them with but i have been tripping all day.
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
What do you call an old parallelogram? A parrallelo-gran
Last night I dreamed about eating a huge cotton candy. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
How do you titillate and ocelot? You oscillate it's tit a lot!
Hey dad, did you get a haircut? No son, I got all of 'em cut
John, you should stay away from drugs - Why Mark? I never take drugs. - I say stay away!! Or the drugs will fall from the table!!
My wife used to have sex with fruit when she was stressed. When I found out, she went fucking bananas.
I've just been to a concert put on by the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.
It's expensive to attend Amputation University... Tuition's an arm and a leg!
What do you call a wandering cave man? A meanderthal.
You think you have it rough? I'm playing hangman with a 6yo who can't spell.
It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.
Recently started working with homosexuals, I'm having a hard time dealing with the sticky mess. But they insist I style my hair using gel to appear more professional.
My wife agreed to a threesome with two girls. She was inexplicably livid when I told her she was neither.
What's the password to Forest Gumps laptop? 1forest1
I've been watching a bird do a mating dance for half an hour now, it's working, I want him.
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun actually does something when it's triggered.
I like my coffee like I like my women.. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported across the border.
"Your GPA last semester was a 4.0" \- Steve Harvey
What do you call a blonde standing on her hands? A brunette with bad breath.
"She's smart, has a great personality, an unbelievable body, and she makes an amazing duckface in pictures." - No man ever
I hear kleptomaniacs make the best detectives They pick up everything.
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat?  So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.
Two cows are standing in a field One cow says "moooooo" the other cow says "fuck! I was just about to say that"
Two cameras walk into a bar... One says to the other, "I don't expose you want to buy me a drink? The other says, "That would be a negative."
China already tried Trump's giant wall idea, and we saw how that worked out... not too many fuckin' Mexicans in China, are there?
McDonalds will always have a place in my heart.
Why is depressed clothing so convenient? It hangs itself
How come does Luke Skywalker does not have a girlfriend? He was looking for love in Alderaan places
It's spooky how many kids look like their owners.
How did the Trump supporter find his sister in the woods? Not bad.
How does every racist joke start? [looks over both shoulders]....
Two blondes at the movie:" Pst, the guy next to me is masturbating!"says one "just ignore him" answers her friend. "But I can't ! He's using my hand!"replies the first blonde
Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca
Oh no, my overly-festive neighbours are at the door.. *ding dong* "Mary, Leon.. hi!"
I heard they made a movie about the Connect Four game. I think it was called the human centipede.
Hurry! Invest in Viagra stock!! I heard it's about to go up!
If you think a minute goes by really fast you've never been on a treadmill.
I'm afraid our fetish-friendly sex robot won't be ready on time. We haven't worked out all the kinks yet.
A proton walks into a bar ... Tells the bartender, "You don't serve my kind here". "Really ?!", asks the bartender. "I'm positive".
Fred: Do you think I'm a fool?  Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?
If I ever move to Nazareth I'm going to open a cheese shop. It'll be called Cheeses of Nazareth.
Pope should record an album to remake Vatican's image. The problem is picking which robe to wear when making a video w/ Lady Gaga
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake. I need a ride home.
Top ten snappy comebacks for nosy people This is great!
What dairy product is the most revered? Swiss cheese, after all it's the holeist!
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones.... Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.
Paramedics When one medic just isn't enough
What kind of story does a rabbit tell? A fluffy tale.
Noah build an ark "what? why" I'm gunna flood the earth "just give me fish powers" [jealous he didn't think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Women... are like hardwood floors. Lay 'em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket? One snatches watches and the other...
Who is the most famous French ant ? Napoleant !
My girlfriend broke up with me She thinks that I'm childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and then ran away.
What did the one continental plate say to the other after the earthquake... not MY fault
I wish I could press a finger to this loud, profane, obnoxious boy's forehead and instantly transmit to him the sadness of being an adult.
Why was Chic-Fil-A founded? So that the choir boys could get more meat in their mouth besides the Reverend.
Math/music joke: What do you get when you subtract original blues from modern blues? Delta blues.
I fell off my bike 3 days in a row Its a vicious cycle I tried.
Today I discovered my brother and I are both audiophiles... He came as soon as he heard.
MAN TO LIZARD: "SO I HEAR YOU'RE IN FLOORING SALES" LIZARD: "IM MORE IN PROMOTION" MAN: "WHAT DO YOU DO" LIZARD: "I REP TILE"
"one Man's trash is other man's treasure" Isn't the best way to tell your kid that he is adopted. Credits- /u/theone1221
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
Lou Gehrig... ... died from Lou Gehrig's disease. What are the chances of that?
If your mouse doesn't work, what is it? Unemployed.
Live every day like it's your last! . . . So now I'm 26 stone, have a drink/drug problem and about to face life imprisonment.
A nose walks into a bar The bartender said "I can't serve you, you are already off your face
Why do women love chocolate? Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.
A guy follows a cute girl into an elevator. They enter the elevator and he asks her "Are you going down?". She says no. Then he asks "Would you like to?"
For every stripper with "daddy issues" there are 10 more "daddies with stripper issues"
Are you going to the homecoming? No sorry I cant, I'm going to be at home cumming
Someone knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to donate to the organization for children with no hands. I started clapping.
What Do You Call A Gay Boxer? "Fruit Punch". I'm sorry.
Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one
What happens when you accidently add an extra p to tp? Banned from /r/news
5: I want to learn drums. Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop. *confused, 5 walks away I am the master.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all  over their faces? A: From eating with forks.
[Zoo, bird show] "Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods." *bird headbutts window 50 times*
What is a racists favorite Disney film? 101 Damn'Asians.
The toilet on the train was out of order, so I had to sit there and hold it for half an hour. A woman who was sat opposite, looked at me in disgust and asked "Is that a fucking poo in your hand?"
I got this joke about ocular herpes... But the girl who gave it to me didn't want me to tell anyone.
What is the most racist joke you know?
[first date] Him: Let's take the stairs! Me: I think we should see other people.
Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning? That's how he mustard the troops.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "Curiosity was here"
If you're gonna buy me a drink...... At least push my stool in!
Women are like snorkels... They can go down, but occasionally need to come up for air.
The fencer thought he knew what was about to happen but... ...his opponent feinted.
A friend told me there's a place like twitter called "outside" where people favorite each other by making eye contact and smiling. Unfollow.
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
[Marriage Counseling] Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren't relevant Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird
Why are you screaming my name? I'm right here.. Having sex is weird.
"Oh my god I can't believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it's spelled!!!" - people with stupid names
They should make a breathalyzer that can tell if you've consumed energy drinks so it's easier for the cops to catch rapists.
I just read an article about the damage cigarettes can do to young children. The first thought that occurred to me was "What the fuck happened to using ashtrays?!"
Why did the blonde avoid eating cereal? Every box had, in huge letters, "0mg cholesterol!"
Ladies, if he says he would go to the "end of the earth" for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.
Interviewer: "Why do you want to be a librarian?" Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."
Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida? It was a Miami heat fan.
My 8 year old daughter said she needed a new head coach at school I figured why not have my wife be the new head coach? She's great at it!
Once I had a dog... Once I had a dog name Marlboro who didn't have any legs. Sometimes I'd take him out and we'd go for a drag
(NASA) HQ: Good launch everyone. Astronaut: Uhh what's that buzzing noise? NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Grapes for breakfast it is! Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that's ALL I'd be talking about.
Computers and my spouse are very similar in some ways. If ever there is something wrong, it's probably my fault.
What's the difference between my wife and a balloon? The balloon still takes my breath away.
Are trees really necessary? They seem kind of arbor-trary.
The most adventurous I get is visiting Amazon on my Safari.
Tip: "At the same time" has more characters than "simultaneously." The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
During my school days I was living on baked beans. A house would probably have been a smarter option.
I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but...
BIack man found shot to death. 27 bullets in total. Police say it was the worst case of suicide they had seen.
I assume most of braille writing is just shit talking about non-blind people.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you're a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Did you hear about the sequel to Snakes on a Plane with giant, poisonous centipedes? It got cancelled. There wasn't enough legroom.
Used to be that multiple communication devices meant you're a drug dealer, now I'm not sure which of these toddlers to buy from at the park.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all those with super busy key chains today. With dolls and shit on them, and fistfuls of keys and whatnot.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
"Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names" - WTF? I've been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Chirstmas and I got a Rolex. I guess they miss-understood when I said "I wanna watch".
Wanna hear a joke about Sodium Hybromite? NaBrO
Why is Darth Vader black? Because he left his son.
Saw Bono kissing himself in the mirror. I looked at him in disgust and said.... "Get a room U2!"
Facebook friend: If you can't handle me at my worst, then you- SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU'RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
What Does a Farmer and Dubstep have in common? They both drop beats!
Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe
Welcome to drugs club, Todd. I can't believe someone actually answered the ad. You're under arrest.
I think every guy has tucked their genitalia between their legs to pretend they have a vagina. But I didn't know my girlfriend had been doing it for the past 3 years.
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, turn them into a tire, call it a Good/Year.
Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
Life handed me lemonade, but I was too busy around the corner captivated by how fudge is made.
"Nobody wants to hear about pooping" Actually Mom, I think you'll find that there's an entire social network dedicated to proving you wrong.
Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed
Little miss muffet. Little miss muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey, when down came a spider, who sat down beside her and said " what's in the bowl bitch".
Ever hear that one about a jackhammer? It's groundbreaking.
What's the difference between a surgeon and God? God knows he's not a surgeon.
Did you see the guy who didn't have a right hand? No, he left
Need relationship advice! I'm trying to get my wife into role playing but she gets really upset when I suggest she be played by Emma Stone.
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Ferrari? The pricks are on the outside of a hedgehog.
Don't make fun of a fat girl with a lisp. I'm sure she's thick and tired of it.
I hate being bipolar. It's awesome
Why wouldn't anyone play with the little  longhorn? He was too much of a bully!
A mathematician tries to go to the beach... A mathematician tried to go to the beach to get a tan, but he couldn't find it cos there were no sines.
Hey dude, there's 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to... And now he's talking to me! Someone call 911!
A man goes to the doctors... and says "I think I'm a moth" The Doctor says, "I think you need to see a psychiatrist about that". The man says, "Yeah I was on my way but I saw your light was on".
How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.
The guy who coined "put that in your pipe & smoke it" was probably trying to find out if something on the carpet was weed.
The New Men's Birth Control Pill It's about the size of a marble. You put it into your shoe. It makes you limp.
Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?
What is Vladimir Putin's favourite Justin Timberlake song? Crimea river
Kids: Your homework is being graded by someone who's buzzed.
What are the Greeks forced to eat in their hyper-inflated economy? Euros!
We don't lose friends, we just learn who our real ones are.
Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority.. Because they hate Dick's
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, "You showed up latte for work today!" then when the laughing stops, "but no, you're fired."
The US is having so many disasters and tragedies Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds. Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later; the other one will see you in a while.
A touching story One day, the boy touched the girls hand. The next day, the girl touched the boy's hand. What a touching story..
I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone... One minute, a Kia. Next minute, Nokia.
After watching TV with my kids, I think I have figured out what's wrong with this generation....their cartoons suck.
There's a new movie coming out about people who take a long time to orgasm... It hasn't released yet.
Did you hear about the German Jockey? He came in pferd
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I can't wait for MTV's next reality show about car wash employees that hold in farts until they're cleaning the inside of your car.
How do we know a blind man created mermaids? He smelled the bottom half of a woman..
What lives in apples and is an avid reader?  A bookworm !
Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don't need to hear how you got together.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
"That's you" is one of my favorite games to play with my husband when we see disgusting people.
Why isn't my hand 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot
Ripped a mole off my face today... Gotta stop looking down gopher holes...
*poops blood* "What the heck I haven't eaten blood in weeks"
Never trust an Adam... ...because they make up everything.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying "i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50's".......... no u don't
How much does a hipster weigh? An *instagram*
A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.
When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."
My Internet is acting like a black guy It doesn't work
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we'll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up Humans: And you will be a loyal friend Cat: hahahaha sure
Why did the prostitute cry after her customer left? He gave her the biggest tip she ever had
What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? "Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My favorite mythological creature. My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.
A Nazi walks into a BAR... Browning automatic rifle
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What do you call a metrically inclined elderly assassin? A Killograndma.
I had never woken up to a blowjob before That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!
What is Michael Bay's favorite phone? Note 7
Went to the Optician the other day, guess whom I bumped into? Everyone.
Why did the chicken cross the road? CluckBait.
Knock Knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd Never Forget
[party] What exactly does BYOB mean? "Bring your own beer" Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
With Instagram's new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.
TIFU By standing in for a sick teacher in the wrong classroom whoops, wrong sub.
What's the difference between a secret Taliban hideout and an Afghan public school? I don't know, I just fly the drone
Psychic said I should learn to take criticism better & always consider both sides of an issue, so I gave her the back of my palm to read.
Where do blind parrots go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? That's a trick question. Feminists haven't changed anything.
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after 3 Ho's
Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? Oh, right, *of course* !"
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn't see them...he said when does this happen...I said over the phone
Daisy who? Knock knock Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? DAISY ME ROLLIN, THEY HATIN
According to U.S. FDA standards, 1 cup of orange juice is allowed to contain 10 fruit fly eggs, but only 2 maggots.
My girlfriend's plastic fork broke while she was eating earlier.... ....Just a tine-y bit. (i was so proud of myself but no one else laughed as much as I did )
What's a riot? Three dyslexics.
I hate all the political correctness in recent years I can't even say "black paint" anymore, I have to say "hey Jamal would you please go paint that fence over there?"
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting
What weighs 12lbs and won't be getting plucked this Christmas Scott Weilands guitar
How did alexander find out his wife was a slut? when she got the whores throat.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent!
I bet when something really awesome happens to a dung beetle they say "Oh, shit!"
If you walk into a room that's empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you're probably about to be murdered.
My wife was cremated after her death. And during.
This status is dedicated to whatever you're ignoring in real life to read it.
What is long and black? The unemployment line.
What does the French chef say to the skeleton? Bony Appetit
You know all that talk about backseat  driving?  Well I've been driving all my life and can safely say that I've never heard a word from the back seat.  What kind of car do you drive?  A hearse!
A man got back from the doctor "I just got back from the doctor,and he said I'm Canadian" Said the man "I'm so sorry" Replies the man with sympathy Shocked,the man shout "It's spreading!!!"
Did you hear about the tennis star who hit his wife? Apparently it was a backhand.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades. But never locks her basement window.
What did the Triceratops sit on? Its Tricerabottom.
this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty
Incidentally, the WORST trick the Devil ever pulled was trying to convince the world he wasn't fat by wearing a t-shirt in the pool.
I wish I was an elevator... Because maybe then my wife would go down on me :c
[hears a dog in the distance barking in the middle of the night] Yeah I'd love to be friends.
Why did no one believe the Psychologist ever went to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent
I'm offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they're faux lesbian. I don't believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they're farm-raised.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Ugh. It's bath time again and I always forget if you wash the baby on 'delicates' or 'permanent press'.
What was Batman's greatest accomplishment? Pulling a Robin out of Bruce Wayne's Dick
What does Jared and a piece of jewelery have in common? They both come in small packages
A girl looks at the mirror and says "Mom, I look really ugly, can you compliment me and make me feel better?" The mother says "Wow you have really good eyesight!"
Big news! Obama read my tweets and appointed me Secretary of Swagriculture
[During sex] Me: I know you want me to be "naughty", but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.
[Mulder softly whispering "I want to" at every exhibit in the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum.]
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Whats the difference between boobs and batteries? If they're AA, at least batteries have something positive
Ways to get ants out of your house: 1) Ant traps 2) Say you had a good time but it's late & you have work tomorrow 3) Set house on fire
Your mother is so stupid, she thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
I don't like piggy banks.. I'm afraid of change!
My drug dealer is hilarious... he cracks me up
The .01% of germs that remain alive in your mouth after mouthwash are the Liam Neeson guys who are really pissed and looking for revenge.
How do you think the unthinkable? Run your thip into an ithberg
Nipples are like the cold activated bars on beer, but for people
What do you call a snake that likes history? A HISSStorian.
Stressed? Try this: Picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir... Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.
I visited my doctor last week, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, because surely it's not dangerous. He said it was distracting him.
Why did Hitler's SS soldiers love animals? They were all veteran aryans
What happens when a jew with a boner runs into a wall He breaks his nose
A man walks into a bar and yells, "All Lawyers are assholes!" Someone at the bar stands up and says, "I take offense to that." "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No. I'm an asshole."
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed-wire fence? Udder destruction!
How do you know your sister's on her period? Your father's cock tastes like blood.
If your ex wife, and ex mother in law were drowning and you could only save one.. What kind of sandwich would you make?
What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? fitting in
10 year old: What was it like? Me: What was what like? 10: Being alive in the 1900's? Me: Go to your room.
Boss: Have I made myself clear? Me: No, I can still see you. Boss: Shakes head.
So, in light of CISA becoming a law, I give you this joke about governments trampling people's rights: [Deleted by NSA]
How many tries does it take to get to the front page? A LOT.
The Greatest Party by Maud D. Merrier
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot..... you racist bastard.
right-to-die In a right-to-die state the executor has two duties. "executor" and "executor"
What does crossing the Niagara on a tightrope and being given a blowjob by a 90-year old have in common? You don't want to look down
At trial, a Volkswagen engineer is called to the stand to explain why they participated in the 'clean diesel' debacle. He claims he is not guilty. He said he was just following...odors.
Shout out to the dude who's followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.
Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school--uphill--both ways.
Einstein made a theory about space ...And it was about time too.
How is a woman who got her winter coat at Target similar to an officer on leave? They both got their fur low.
Oh man, I've got this mate thats addicted to drinking brake fluid. He thinks he can stop at anytime.
[restaurant] *patpatpat* ME: you hear that? *patpatPATPAT* DATE: what the [penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish] CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My sister is THE clumsiest girl i know... She's always miscarrying.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Wanna read a joke about procrastination? I'll type it later.
I went to a vegetarian restaurant I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant the other day and there was this girl who said she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.
Why do men run faster than women rolling friction is lesser than sliding friction
"Don't worry. I'll hold your stuff, you just worry about making friends." --Cargo Pants.
I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would've been if he'd eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Working days I work only for Monday and Tuesday. Because after that even the week says WTF?!...
What's the difference between me and Santa? Santa only comes down your chimney.
Me: I didn't get the job. Wife: Why not? M: Something about my eyesight. W: What EXACTLY did they say? M: That I needed 'adult supervision'.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?.....wiped his ass
What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until hes 13
How many shrinks does it take to change a tire? Well, first the tire really has to want to change...
I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
What do you call a fat person who judges hippos? Hippo-critical.
Help me reddit. I've quit smoking and I'm gaining weight Before, I only had to reach into my pockets to feel a little lighter.
Thought of starting an origami business but too lazy to do all the paperwork involved.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar... ...it was tense.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Rustle.
What did the blonde do when she discovered that most accidents happen within a mile from home? She moved.
Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It's like that, but you can't call the cops.
INXS was a really good band... It's a shame they hung it up.
What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars.
I honked at the funeral procession out of SUPPORT
Permission to use your hammer, your honor It's a gavel Permission to use your gavel Denied *looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done? Gingers just don't last in the sun.
What do you call Neil DeGrasse Tyson with champagne poured over his chest? An Astro-fizzy-tits.
How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna ride bikes?
When I was an infant I had a nanny that abused me And im still pretty shaken up about it
In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years
How do you kill a vampire baby? Stake and shake
What's a pirate's favourite letter? You'd think "R", but his first love be the "C".
What did Schwarzenegger say when deciding which composer to be for Halloween? I'll be Bach.
I've just been reading a book all about lubricant... It's a fantastic piece of non-friction.
How many pornstars does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, and a really big lightbulb.
A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include "Swam in water" and "Ate".
What job did the farmer give to his learning-disabled child? Herder
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open. Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
"I just can't help myself!" paramedic on his deathbed
Why did the hummer cross the river? For the insurance money.
It's weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I'm eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it's six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I'm still better than you.
what do you call a fat guy telling all his friends that hes gay for the first time? coming out of the pantry! i dunno if this is the kinda stuff you guys like, but i had to share it with someone.
The Easter Bunny doesn't always drink, but when he does it's hopscotch.
Why Didn't Batman Go To Church? Because of Christian Bail
Q: how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!
TIL there was a dinosaur that had three butts. It was from the Triassic period.
What is another name for the disabled stall in a restroom? A handicrapped zone.
How do you tell the difference between a terrorist and a tenured professor? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
I just yelled "Where's the baby?!" while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce.
knock knock YOU: who's there ME: I eat mop YOU:______
Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
Did you hear about the Syrian Masquerade? It was held in Da**masc**us.
What's white and ten inches long? Nothing.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
What is the photographer's favorite car? Ford Focus
Smart White Boy OPTIONAL (text)
It really stinks when you bite into what you expect to be a hot dog but it's actually a sausage That's the wurst
Is your lizard not working? You may have a reptile dysfunction.
Girls are like squaring numbers... If their under 18, just do them in your head.
What did the DJ say to the jazz musician? Take me to the airport.
What do your cell phone settings and anal bleach have in common? They both change your ring tone!
What are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well, for one, the flag is a big plus.
She said: "I want to have your children." . Me: "They'll be on the first bus in the morning."
There's a banana and a vibrator on a table... The banana turns to the vibrator and asks: "Hey, why are you trembling? It's not *you* they're going to eat!"
Txt my wife to ask if the gardener came & how 5yo's 1st day of school was. She txt back "He's naked on the couch". I'm afraid to ask who..
This morning they were out of cinnamon buns at the coffee shop so I asked for an antonym bun. I hate when people roll their eyes.
I heard they put a supermarket behind Bilbo's hobbit hole... Unexpected item in baggins area.
Why was Ygritte happy she didn't marry Jon snow? Because she didn't want six inches of snow all year long.
Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?
I'm NOT Superman. What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
What's a catholic's favourite type of car? A convertible.
If you say Donald Trump 3 times at night in front of a mirror, you will get deported...
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice
There is nothing funny about menstruation jokes... Period.
Rocks think evolution is bullshit.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Why did the melon have commitment issues? Because he cantaloupe
A wizard cursed my land yesterday. Now that's an evil plot!
What is afraid of pussy? Mice, what else?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
lets modernize Hey Arnold fellas this will be hilarious... Hey Ackbar! "move it towelhead"
How do Chinese people laugh? LMAO ZEDONG!
If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
An Ethiopian dance party Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling "Put you hands in the air like you just don't care"
Why isn't Hungary's capital city called "Very"
First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle ? Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose !
I hate when people say, "I wish I was a kid again." Did you have sex and drink alcohol as a kid? Nope. So shut the fuck up. Goodnight.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name UK: no VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy UK: fine
I organized a threesome last night! There were 2 no-shows, but I still had a good time.
What do you call somebody after you give them a noogie? A knucklehead.
I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today. The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote" and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.
I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday... ...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my nut sack.
"When I was younger they all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian," said Dane Cook. "Nobody's laughing now!"
When I'm drunk, I'm like South Park I'm crude and offends everyone
Why do strippers hate roofers? They always pay in shingles.
What stretches more skin or rubber? Skin, because in the bible it says that Moser tied his ass to a tree and walked 20 miles.
How do you know your sister is having her period? When your fathers dick taste like blood.
Dating was easier back in the day. Back before the big bang when we were all compressed into one dot
I invented a new word Repost
"I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-" Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
"Knowledge is a weapon" said Terry Goodkind which is why the cops can shoot you for holding a book
{Father & son fishing} DAD: Son, I don't say this nearly enough... SON: *smiles* Yeah? DAD: ...I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Two men were in a courtroom... One was charged for eating battery acid, the other was charged of sticking fireworks up his ass The court charged one, and let the other off
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Being an adult is 90% worrying about money and 10% spending money you don't have on treats because you've worried a lot this week.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.
Did you hear about the cannibal who had an out of body experience? He starved to death.
The craziest shit happened today. Then I just wiped it away and got on with my day.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C'mon boys, you know what to do. - Birds, probably
[God creating the octopus] Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
TIL that in the US a woman is raped every 56 seconds And boy is my dick starting to get sore.
What do you call a white athlete who wins a sprint vs black athletes? A racist. :) xxx
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.
*entire building at my work loses power* *I run all the way to Linda's office* Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
How do you catch a rabbit? You hide in a field and make carrot noises.
What do David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in common? They both come in a posh box
Grow Your Own Vegetables by Rosa  Carrotts
A math joke I'll tell you in a 1/cos
Q: What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?  A: Stegosaur-rust!
What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it "double bagged"...I said "No, you're not THAT ugly..." And that's why I'm not allowed in Target.
"I want a lady in a sheet and a creak in the bed" -haunted house designer
A guy is at Chick-Fil-A When all of a sudden Tinker Bell shows up. He goes to a worker and says, "Wow, you guys have fairies in here?" The worker then says, "No, our CEO doesn't like it."
[Baby trying to say first words] Baby: b..bu Me: cmon son Baby: bu..bu..s Wife: Yes sweetheart Baby: Bush did 9/11 Me[tearing up]: He knows
Who would kick The Rock's ass in a fight? Paper.
I have sexdaily I mean dyslexia, fcuk
What's dark, empty and going no where fast? Your love life.
Do you have a turn down? Turn down for what?
Hubs: There's nothing on TV *winks* Me: Remember last time? *both look at 2yo* Hubs: There's over 900 channels, we'll find something
Mark Wahlberg has requested a pardon for a crime he committed in 1988. His debut single.
Analogies are like masturbation I'm finishing both right now.
What is Drake's favorite type of alcohol? Cripple Sec
Why did the feminist cross the road? How dare you question the decisions of someone just because she's a woman!
The older I get, the more I watch Ferris Bueller and root for him to get caught.
How many hamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two, but you have to wonder how the hell they got in there
What was the name of the most famous stripper in Ancient Greece? Socra-tease
So there are these pants that have padding to make ones butt appear larger... ...it's anal-lusion!
What do you call a group of people in charge of renewable energy for a town? A solar panel.
I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it's a sombrero and I'm making zero progress.
The King of pop is dead... The King of Snap and Crackle have been taken into protection after police suspect cereal killer.
If my dog barks at you we can't be friends, also, I hate you too.
Rednecks give head so good I even heard of this Asian guy whose eyes bulged out after.
What's the best part about being a meth addict? 3 sleeps 'til Christmas
When my wife starts to sing I have to go out in the yard and work in the garden so the neighbors don't think domestic violence is happening.
Q. Why do Americans deep fry so much food? A. They love OIL __  
Sorry I yelled, "HAIL SATAN" at your baby's baptism.
When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.
Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30  minutes for each question. Pupil : How long for the answer sir !
If everyone would stop screaming, I'm sure we'd all agree I'm not supposed to be in this women's restroom.
Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
A robber walks into a bank... ...and shouts "This is a fuck up!", The bank teller say's "Don't you mean a hold up?" to which the robber replies "No its a fuck up, I left my gun in the car!"
Why can't animals take tests? Too many cheetahs!!!!
A man and his wife were once in a very healthy marriage.
I told you not to let those pigs In my office.  Now look what's happened. They've eaten all the dates off my calendar!
"Why your stomach is so big"..."I had a baby" ... for lunch.
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
A guy walks into a bar. A guy walks into a bar with a block of asphalt under his arm, he says to the bartender "I'll have two beers, one for me and one for the road"
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns... But then I realised toucan play at that game.
Obama is the epitome of why Americans are so racist Just another soon-to-be unemployed black man, evicted from his house, and living on government money.
What's big and long that a Polish girl gets on her wedding night? A new last name
What's E.T. short for? His legs are small.
Dad I'm gay *Dad rips newspaper* "WHAT" I like guys dad "Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second"
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
I'm currently standing in the 12 items or less line, holding 16 items, freaking the fuck out.
Why is gigabit internet good for you? Because it's high in fiber! haha, I'll show myself out...
What did a black twin called his brother before they're born? Inmates
What is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can hear a hormone...
Did you hear the one about Hellen Keller? Well neither did she.
I don't approve of political jokes I have seen too many of them get elected.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
A girl came up to me the other day... and told me she saw me at the vegan club but I never saw herbivore.
When is paint free? When it's on the house.
[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
what do you call that sensitive part in a woman's ass which when stimulated arouses her? shitoris
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....
If you believe in stereotypes then your brain is as small as a Korean's penis
Can you believe that after all the shit they've been through, they're still together? My Buttcheeks ((_
Why don't the police protest against BLM? Because they have jobs.
Two blondes are waiting for a bus. The first one is waiting for the 2nd route bus, the other - for the 3rd. They both board the route 23 bus when it arrives.
What does a Buddhist order from a hotdogs vendor? One with everything
My girlfriend asked me if her vagina smelled like fish... I said; "Yes, Ariel, it does."
I was thinking about you today... Just wondering where I'm going to hide your body.
A pig pen elected its own leader . . . Polled pork.
ATM A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Blind Girl If a blind girl tells you your manhood is massive... ...she's probably pulling your leg.
It must be shit having same-sex parents. You either have twice the normal amount of Dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
I found a worm on me. And now it's crawling in my skin.
I once thought I had a Japanese friend. But it was just my imagine Asian.
I accidentally swallowed some thread a few days ago, and passed it out today. I shit you knot.
Why won't pigs take up jogging? They don't like to get that far from the table.
Made reservations. For the grinandbearit.
HIM: My new girlfriend's name is "Bella". That means "Beautiful" in Italian. ME: It also means "War" in Latin...so good luck with that.
Knock knock.... Knock knock. *Who's there?* Madam *Madam who?* Madam finger is caught in the door!
What do you call a pokemon that's part train? A Pikachoochoo.
What did the sexy Japanese food say? Miso horny
I was so tired during Hunger Games, I was nodding as much as Phillip Seymour Hoffman
"I bought a new car!" Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay? "Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"
Probably a lot of horses sitting on couches today talking about how they could have "gone Derby" if they hadn't gotten hurt in college.
My Girlfriend used to go down on me all the time... ...so I fixed the puncture
There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in... "Everyone in this office is an idiot & I work better by myself."
What has shadier inner workings, Reddit or FIFA? Still waiting to hear back from an admin.
A man walks into a bar And goes right through it because hes a t1000
I just seen a prius try his time on a quarter mile at the drag strip. Ill update when hes done.
What the difference between a police car and a porcupine? With a police car, the pricks are on the inside
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised? Me: can I go to the bathroom? Boss: Dan you're 23. This is a business meeting Me: so that's a yes?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans. I find it lightens the mood.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.
If a clown farts... ... does it smell funny?
*in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i'll see you ladies inside
What is a doctor's most important quality? Patience!
The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
What does space smell like? Uranus! Thank you, I'm new here :)
What's green, fuzzy, and stinks of pork? Kermit the frog's finger
In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"? Or is that rude to the ball and chain?
Did you hear about the witch who fed her pet  vulture on sawdust? The vulture laid ten eggs and when they hatched nine chicks had wooden legs and the tenth was a woodpecker.
What did the right pussy lip tell the left pussy lip? We used to be tight
What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea? Oz Moses.
You know how asparagus makes your pee smell? Well, I just heard from my father for the first time in 14 years.
Chemistry Joke I hate telling noble gas jokes there's never a reaction.
A hammer and a Nail cost $1.10 The hammer is a dollar more than the nail, how much is does the nail cost?
What do you call a cow that will go down in history? Legendairy [From my young daughter]
Scary Halloween Joke **Person 1:** Knock knock! **Person 2:** Who's there? **Person 1:** A GHOST!!!
What do you call a white girl with a yeast infection... A cracker with cheese.
I think my Christmas Tree is a male. It keeps bragging about its "trunk size."
Have you heard the one about the seamstress? It's sew sew.
Why do white people hate being called crackers? Because they find it insaltine.
If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it's ankle cripples them
Why are fat people so rich? Because they have lots of pounds.
TLC Touching Little Children
A "lady" and a "woman" are exactly the same thing unless they are prefaced with cat.
Sometimes you have to Photoshop your life Sometimes you have to #Photoshop your life .. Touch up edges Adjust the tones Blur the background n Crop some people out :D
Where do the Baltimore Ravens sit? On The Wire.
The other day I went to the doctors office. The doctor said to me, "You've got to stop masturbating." I replied, "What? Why?" The doctor answered, "So I can examine you."
Every KFC meal comes with a large side of regret.
My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I shaved my head the other day... At first I hated the look, but it's starting to grow on me.
Obama: Didn't think he'd be late Biden: I gave him the wrong address Obama: Joe he's the president-elect Biden: idgaf what they call him
A man walks into a bar And gets a bloody nose
I wish your vagina had a "clear history" button.
My goal in life is to be as chill as Forrest Whitaker's left eye
My son plays this game where he's a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
A balding person in denial is probably like maybe it's all in my head.
A Muslim started a line of sex toys ... He specializes in blow up dolls.
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.
Can't believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Why didn't the grizzly bear dissolve? Because he wasn't polar
What happened to Frankenstein's monster on  the road? He was stopped for speeding fined $50 and dismantled for six months.
What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner?  A charmer farmer!
What do you call a guy with no arms and not legs laying on a porch? Matt
Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it's been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.
What do you do with a scientist after he dies? Barium
What does a ghost wear when it's raining? boooooooooooooots
A hot girl goes to confession She says "father, I had sex out of wedlock" The priest says "pics or it didn't happen"
When does a horse talk on the phone?  Whinny wants to!
A joke is a lot like sex Neither is any good if you don't get it.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 40+ years? Because Moses lost a quarter.
How did Samwell Tarly survive against white walkers? survival of the fattest
What is big, black, and very long? A black hole
Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8
FRIEND: OMG I'm so glad to get away from my kids for a bit ME: haha yeah I don't think I'll ever have kids FRIEND: no it's the best
Say What You Will About Getting Shot But it always starts off with a bang.
What do you call Batman skipping church? Christian Bail.
Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but god-knows how they got in there. EDIT: [IMAGE HERE](http://i.imgur.com/1v6wJu5.jpg)
Why is North Korea so lame? It's got no Seoul.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina. That's my X-ray. I'm not sure what's worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My boss turned round this morning and called me a "bullshitter." I'm not too worried about it though  he didn't really.
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza. I've narrowed it down to: Pizza Farmer Pizza Hunter Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
What do you say if you meet someone from Anonymous in an S&amp;M club? "Troll in the dungeon!"
I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!
11: Did it rain last night? Me: No. 11: But it's so wet! Me: That's what she said. 11: What? Me: What?
A good old Dubya joke Why does Larua always have to be on top when she and Dubya have sex? Becuase all he can do is fuck up.
Wrong hole. Wrong hole. Wrong hole. Wrong hole. -trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
What's a pilots favourite artist? David Boeing.
Do you know what smuck is? It's what smurf's do after smoreplay
911: What's your emergency? THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE 911: Barista? IT'S A GUY. BARISTO 911: No, it's still- Nm he's dead now
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I'll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My biggest fear used to be dying alone but thanks to Trump, I know it'll be in a camp, surrounded by other minorities.
How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed? piece of cake
How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with  fright.
Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn't have to be about you Me: but that's my autobiography
Where did Mary go after the explosion? Everywhere.
Ricky Gervais has sold the rights to do an 'adult' adaptation of 'The Office' to Vivid Picture. It will be called 'The Orifice'.
My credit card is like a stripper. There isn't much on it.
There's no wrong answer until you answer differently than me.
So two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... BAH DUM TSSH
Knock, Knock Who's There? Lettuce Lettuce Who? Let us out.
What do you call a dog with brass balls and no hind legs? Sparky.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he's dead he's a great Wife: I swear to God I'll divorce you Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Why can't the penis and testicles ever be together? Because there's a vas deferens between them.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie's parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? Shore.
My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood... ...because she was a taxidermist.
Hitler was argueably the greatest person that ever lived... I mean he did kill Hitler
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan  then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through  his p*ssy.
Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil It only cost him a Penny
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you're getting ready to take hostages.
What is red and smells like blue Froot Loops? The murder-suicide scene at Toucan Sam's Miami penthouse.
A buzzard carrying two dead badgers tried to check in at the airport for his flight. The gate attendant told him, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."
What's a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? ARRRby's
So I have this black friend. ... just kidding.
Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.
What is blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, black, brown, and gray? A box of crayons.
Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
"How's your sexual history?" Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be "deletable"
Best Way To Impress a Girl.. Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"
Opening a store called The Gorp! It's exactly like The Gap except we sell gravy.
What do you call a pessimistic cupcake? A Little Debbie downer.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I'll look before I lie down on the couch.
Hillary wouldve made girls believe they can be President Trump made EVERYONE believe they can be President.
Is high blood pressure contagious? Because I think I'm getting it from my patients.
How can you tell when a Canadian is successful? He dies in his LA home at 82.
Why did Medusa have to take sexual harassment training? Because she wouldn't stop objectifying people.
Why can't you play UNO with Mexicans? They'll steal all of the green cards.
what do you call a snake that studies past events? a *HISS*torian
I still struggle daily with how Ed Hardy happened
Did you hear about the Jewish boy... ...that asked his father for $5? His dad replied with, "FOUR DOLLARS?! What the hell do you need $3 for?!"
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
The first time I had sex, I was really scared... I was all alone! --Rodney Dangerfield
What's the difference between a homeless and a  pizza?  A pizza can feed a family of four.
What's the difference between you and mallard with a cold? One's a sick dick, and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother is a whore. -SNL reruns-
I was banned from the gym for taking home a dumbbell. "Free weights," my ass!
What's a rabbits' favourite car? Any make just as long it's a hutchback!
I need Jesus in my life This lawn aint gonna cut itself
what did the trash can say to the paper recycling bin? 'you're just white trash'
How do you get a blonde pregnant? Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Why do nursing homes give men Viagra before they sleep? So they won't roll out of bed.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal... One turns to the other and says "Bob, I think we are telling this joke wrong..."
What did the Wonderbra say to the regular bra? Do you even lift?
Teacher- "Are you chewing boy?!!..." "This is the worst blowjob i received all day"
I don't trust chairs. They just don't sit right with me.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH!
a blonde and a brunette jump off a building, who reach the floor first? The brunette, the Blonde stop it midway to ask for directions.
Why can t my 14 year old friend drive... Because she s a woman
How did David Copperfield get HIV? From doing Magic.
I thought twerking was tweeting at work That's how out of the loop I am
[Seance] *knock, knock* ME: Wh-who's there? [ouija board spells out A-T-C-H] ME: atch who? [spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U] ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject... These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS
Some guy was reported to have gone crazy in a public bathroom. I guess you could say he lost his shit.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won't have that "nudie mag they found in the woods" experience. #culture
These ebola jokes are terrible! They're making my eyes bleed
After years of cooking, I've found that the best way to prepare brussels sprouts is to throw them away and order pizza.
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
I'm good friends with 24 letters of the alphabet because i hate U and i don't really know Y
My ex-wife says I have 2 brains. One is a penis... ...and apparently, the other's an asshole.
Turns out I am a master of Tantric Maths. I can stare at the page for hours and the answer never comes.
YOLOUYAB You Only Live Once Unless You're A Buddist
The zoo is a really bad place to pick up cougars. I thought that one was flirting with me and now I'm missing most of a hand and bleeding. Please send paramedics.
Middle only pie A middle only pie could make someone a lot of money. But I donno if they could contain the business.
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? ...a pizza doesn't scream in the oven. Note: (freedom of expression)
Why did the man with bronchitis get cremated..? he was tired of coffin.
Why does Donald Trump hate pre shredded cheese? He wants to make America grate again.
knock knock who's it? omelet. omelet who? am late, open the door.
Trump's plan for global warming: nuclear winter.
The best part of being married with kids is.....is.....umm.....Yeah.
How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a goose.
How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away its USB cable.
Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had a faulty battery and caused their house to burn down
I think I figured out why Al Gore thought he invented the internet. He just misheard the word "algorithm"
Why is the bat-boy the luckiest guy on the baseball team? Because when he grows up he will be Batman.
My girlfriend asked me what world of Warcraft and league of legends are. Wow, lol.
I'm just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.
The Edge falling off stage at that U2 concert... it's comedy on at least two levels.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
It's not fair that lab animals get to test all those nice cosmetics while I'm stuck using the cheap stuff.
Sorry I didn't text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Have you ever thought about dying instantly? couldn't hurt.
What does a white man never want to call a black man that starts with "N" and ends with "R"? "Neighbor" ~ thanks bugz
ME: You're a silly sausage aren't you? SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that's not what defines me.
My joke originality is like my girlfriend I don't have any
What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer.
My team got silver medal in the sex Olympics. We would have got gold but I came first in the orgy.
Have you heard the one about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic? He would lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog.
Yogi Berra He lived his whole life.
"Wanna come to a party?" "Sure. I'd love to spend two whole hours standing around while people recommend TV shows to me I'll never watch."
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gagging noises
What did the slaughterhouse foreman say when he found out his best butcher had his heart, lungs and kidneys ripped out in a cutter accident? That's offal
How do you make a dead baby float? One glass of rootbeer and two scoops of dead baby.
How many recruits does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the lightbulb and four road guards.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning. My dreams have come true.
If Rick Ross was Jamaican his slogan would be Bumbuh Rawss (Say it in a Jamaican accent)
[NSFW] What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut fucks everybody, a bitch fucks everybody but me.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I can't rhyme Refrigerator
I just read the biography of the guy who invented Super Mario Bros. Did you know that when he was a kid people used to laugh at him when he would kill turtles with a hammer?
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Sex Survey Says The Kinseys did a survey of sexual practices in a town. Half the town admitted they masturbated. The other half lied.
Whats the only fruit that can't run away to get married?? A Cantaloupe.
What's the difference between a blowjob and anal sex? One makes your day and the other makes your hole weak.
"I'll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the--" [Robin doing up laces] "The Batskates, yeah I know."
Why I'm leaving r/Jokes Going for some sushi. Brb in a hour or so.
What's the Difference Between Steve Jobs and Bill Gates? Bill Gates never got a Mac, but Steve Jobs got PC.
Why did Jesus go to the gym? To make sure his cross fit.
Why did the maniacal chemist drop a rancher into his latest concoction? Because the rancher was a cattlist.
Satan is so gay!
If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be so pissed.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes? because their future is so bright
My grandfather told me this one.. You need to try everything in life at least once except three things: incest, heroin and folk dance.
A boring midget asked for advice picking up the ladies I said all you need to do is get a little personality
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
ovens are insane "oh thats just my box of invisible fire i heat dead things in"
All life is precious. Unless you're an accountant, then you welcome sweet death.
How do terrorist surfers spend free time at Guantanamo Bay? WATERBOARDING!!!
What's the difference between a Russian bot and a sincere Trump supporter? One of them actually exists and the other *ees teepeecal Amyerikyan pyatriot*.
I'm not a fan of anal sex with the deceased any more. In fact I only did it once in a blue moon.
Scottage Cheese
While driving home early one day, I saw a man running naked I pulled over and asked, "Why are you running like that?" He answered, "Because you're coming home early."
My girlfriend laughed at me for having an existential crisis at 17. Jokes on her. She doesn't even exist!
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
*leans back in chair* wow, what a great question. I guess I'd say my biggest weakness is the 5 felony convictions I left off my application
Does your dog know how how to surf the internet? No - but he's got a ruff idea.
I believe if Floyd fought Ali ... I believe it would be a close fight but Floyd would win. Because Ali has Parkinson's
Did you hear the one about the genius Redditor? No?, and you won't either.
I'm going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[Job interview] "What are your strengths?" Me: I fall in love easily. "Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I received some food stamps the other day They tasted terrible.
What do you call it when you drown a baby in soda? Infantacide
Got in a fight with my wife while camping... It was in tents.
"I'm here for the orgy?" - Things you shouldn't say when walking into a work meeting.
You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done.
WTF fact- pigeons die when they have sex At least the one I fucked did.
In Germany, these are the three main fat groups: 1. Gesattigt Fett (Saturated Fat) 2. Trans Fett (Trans Fat) 3. Boba Fett
(Here's a Pick up line) ... You should sell hot dogs ! Because you know how to make a wiener stand!
A man is on vacation and gets a call that his mother-in-law has died. They ask him if he wants to cremate or bury her. He responds, "shit You better not take any chances do both."
My son said he didn't think Seinfeld was funny Turns out he's not the Wiz
What did the poor ghetto dweller get for Christmas? Your bicycle.
Hey does anyone know how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism?
What did the policeman say when he was told about the large pothole? "I'll look into it."
The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It's like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.
My wife tells me my conspiracy theory obsession is getting out of control.. I wonder how much the government paid her to say that.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Why did the phone get away with its crime? Because it had good connections!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anne Boleyn ! Anne Boleyn who ? Anne Boleyn alley !
Saudi Arabia 900 women thinking they can run for office and win. Ha
Mufasa didn't die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper. - The Lyin' King
What do you call a girl on her period? Call her next week.
Die Hard VIII: Die Even More Harder: Mostest Harderest.
why did the pacifist stay away from cows? To avoid unnecessary beef.
A good looking girl waved at me today... but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
What's your New Year's resolution? Mines is still 1920x1080, unfortunately.
How does Winnie the Pooh open his honey pot? With his bear hands. Thank the Chive for that one.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don't apply the brakes
It's a good thing Aquaman isn't black Shortest...comic book...ever!
Did you hear about the two monocles at the party? They made spectacles out of themselves.
What is a priest's favorite snack? Little boysenberries.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten
Something is good and/or bad and makes me happy and/or angry. Please copy and paste this as your status update if you agree and/or disagree.
Today, my friend's coworker made a bukkake joke at a meeting and got away with it. I guess they're covered.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house] seriously, what purpose do you serve
A guy caught cold. His wife offers to make him Chicken Soup A chicken sitting nearby says "Why don't you try Aleve first, ma'am?"
What's the best thing about fucking a 10 year old girl? Flipping her over and pretending she's a 10 year old boy.
Adult joke My friend said the way he would want to die by blowjob, i told him it would be a quick death.
What's the difference between Obama and Osama? O(b-s)ma^2
Astronaut: wtf is this NASA: it's space food A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars N: look we get it but- A: no no I'm coming down
Two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts make a right. And two Wrights make a plane 6 lefts make a plane.
The first time a woman swallowed my stuff, I was so appreciative that I swallowed her bullshi t for the next two years.
costumed new york mayor Rumor has it that for Halloween New York Mayor DeBlasio will be walking around on his knees and going as Mayor Bloomberg
A Muslim walks into the U.S Just kidding
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon... Michael Jackson fucks little boys
girl are u my neighbor's wifi? cuz u have a stupid name and im having trouble connecting
What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise ? A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper !
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My 4chan joke Knock knock Who's there? 4chan 4chan who? Niggers
Remember, it's not a real paleo diet unless you're eating mammoth every day.
Enough with the gay jokes Come on guys
eer booze and fun!' 'A Skeleton walks into a bar asks for a beer... and a mop.
I need help for some puns about toes! Please and thank you
Robert Pattinson said Kristen Stewart humiliated him. Then he added it was even more humiliating than being in Twilight.
If "Pizza?" is the question, "Pizza!" is the answer.
12 year old girls are an untapped market.
I offered Pete Carroll $1 million to run a mile He passed.
I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... but then my mom gave birth.
I had a terrible experience at the Reddit bistro All of the servers were busy
Do you know what i say to people that are "butthurt"? well stop doin anal.
I think my girlfriend wants it in the ear.... because every time I try to stick it in her mouth she turns her head.
They say, "If you let something go and it comes back, it's yours" Then does that mean I own all boomerangs?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? to see the butterFLY!
Jokes about the USA? Let's see them!
Camping for your honeymoon Is fucking intents
If I set a cheese trap, I'd probably fall for it before the mouse.
Did someone died? No, but it's still early.
Dear Mr. Trump, thank you very much For all of the new gifs and new memes last night at the debate.
What's the most annoying thing about trying to remove the panties off a girl when having sex? The screaming and the fighting
It's a little sad that today's youth don't get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Have you tried just Photoshopping her into your life?
My teacher said he doesn't like imaginary numbers because the uses are limited. I asked him whether he was for reals.
I'm great in bed I can sleep alllll night
"Is there a Mr. Fields?" I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she's all mine.
All parents should give corporal punishment to their kids. You don't want the white kid to feel left out at school, when everyone is telling the ass whooping they got last night.
What do you call a wookie in concentration camp? Jewbacca
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints Mints: you have beautiful eyes Me: [blushing] wow they're very complimentary
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately
They finally created a generic viagra. Micoxaphlopin is the next big thing.
Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.
How did Hitler like his orange juice? Reposted. No? OK. Concentrated.
The Ugly Hag by Ida Face
How do you make a candle really happy...? Blow it out, it'll be delighted
If Trump replaces Obama in the white house, then we can all say... Orange is the new Black. Thanks, ~~I'll see myself out.~~ Apparently, I don't need to.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bargain ! Bargain who ? Bargain up the wrong tree !
"WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!" "EARTH" "WIND" "WATER" "FIRE" "HEART" "SELF-LOATHING" get outta here Eli "SORRY"
The roads must have been full of Communists... I kept hitting reds on the way home.
Why are football grounds odd? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
What do you call an honest man in the Oval Office? Lost
I envy how comfortable Waldo always seems in large crowds.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It's a play on words.
Some people are so obnoxiously stupid all that comes to mind while listening to them is WHAT IS IT LIKE TO CONTINUOUSLY SUCK DONKEY DICKS?!
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.
Heard about the gay author? His new book will be coming out soon.
i love our new home. LA is such a safe place and- *a dog drives by holding a pistol playing tupac in an el camino* denise get in the car
Why was the schwa bad at giving speeches? He said "uhh" way too much.
Man, this one always cracks me up... ...you know, the No. 17 one.
Do you like dragons? Because i'm going to be dragon these nuts across your face!
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It's so fun to watch them freak out!
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Why are Redditors so good at fencing? Because they always riposte.
My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in a few seconds for christmas So I bought her a nice sports car.
Do infants enjoy infantry... as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why was the umbilical cord sad? He got cut from the naval base.
I have so much money it's kind of gay Because I'm rolling in Bills
A horse walks into a bar... and the bartender says why the long face? (Old I know) But I've heard so many variations on that one. What others are there?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Just ONCE would I love to see a girl I know in a porno
[talking to bouncer] Me:let me in Bouncer: not after last time Me:would a Washington convince you? Bouncer: no George Washington: c'mon man
Why did Ellen Pao try to sue the users of Reddit for gender discrimination/ sexual harassment? Because they were forming a massive circle-jerk around her
INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM
What kind of cake does a baseball player prefer? A bundt cake!
For some reason, my girlfriend asked how I view lesbian relationships... Apparently "in HD" was the wrong answer...
Say what you will about the Russian Olympic Team... ...I think they're pretty dope
You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.
Handball :) Germany is now the handball European champion. But it seems it was the easiest win in Poland since 1939 for a german team.
Whistleblower reveals that the government is concealing cracks in Hoover Dam. FBI is still looking for concrete evidence.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Buddy ! Buddy who ? Buddyfingers !
Q: What's the difference between a horse  and the weather? A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
What do you call eight rabbits walking backwards together? A receding hare-line.
What did the cannibal get when he was late to dinner? The cold shoulder
Why was the web server down? Mary Jane dumped him.
I finally got a housekeeper. it's my ex-wife. She kept the house.
My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary. I guess it runs in your genes
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
When is the best time to go shopping? When the stores are open.
My wife likes to window-shop a lot. The situation is so bad that we have more windows than walls.
How do we know for sure that Darth Vader isn't black? Because he keeps on saying "I am your father"
I have the best blanket in the world It's the sheet.
I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions
What are goosebumps used for? To keep geese from speeding!
Snail 1: Are you male or female? Snail 2: Yes Snail 1: Me too! [they kiss passionately]
Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.
What type of drugs do ducks use? What type of drugs to ducks use? Quack cocaine.
Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, "LIAR!" into her ear after I watched her type "lol". She did NOT lol.
What days are strong days? Saturday and Sunday, because the rest are weak days.
I tried to kill myself once with Aspirin, but after the first two I felt better.
Duracel bunny arrested He was charged with battery
Why don't boobies make apple juice? BECAUSE GIRLS ONLY HAVE A "PEAR" AHAHEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE
If you love something, set it free. (Does not apply to ferrets.)* *I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Did you know that each condom has a serial number printed on it? I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.
What do you call a black man with a gun ? You call him "sir".
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day Don't teach a man to fish and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard.
Can't remember the name of that 80's song, huh? You might have Wham!nesia...
Dont I owe you a blow job Gimme another and Ill owe you two.
Why don't prostitutes vote? They don't care who gets in
Why wouldn't the skeleton go diving? He didn't have the guts for it.
Blind people of reddit. See what I did there?
My mate asked me if Wonderwall was the most culturally influential track of all time I said maybe
Two necrophiliacs are having lunch together. One asks the other "so how's your love life?" His friend replies "not so good, that rotten cunt split on me"
What does Damn Daniel and pedophiles have in common? They're both back at it with the white vans.
Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear. "That's incredible", he says "When did I record this?"
Why can't ethiopians take med pills? Cause they can't take 'em with empty stomach.
Hellen Keller Jokes What's long and black? every day How did Hellen Keller lose her virginity? Someone left a plunger in the toilet
Hello Alcoholics Anonymous? I'd like to anonymously report a bunch of alcoholics getting together in my neighbor's yard. "Sorry sir, that's not the point of the program"
What do you call it when a psychic midget escapes from prison? A small medium at large.
Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a  broom? A: By witchful thinking.
"It's been a business doing pleasure with you." - Prostitutes
sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world
What did the Spannish Amoeba said to the other Amoebas? "Hola Amoebas!"
Why do we have 52,455,865 pictures of Grandma? -my future grandchildren probably
What are the two most important holes on a woman? The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a blow job. *My 10 year old brother told me this today
As an English person there's one thing I love between me and the French. The English Channel.
I got 99 problems, and I wish a bitch was one, because then that means I interacted with a girl and can brag about it to my stuffed animals.
TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine. Oops, wrong sub.
The town emergency siren sounds. I peer out my bedroom window. "It can't be" I mutter. "Honey, grab the kids. Hot local singles are coming."
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
I told my African friends a joke about rain They didn't get it
What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.
Haters gonna hate... Masters gonna bate.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
Having sex while camping is so amazing it's ***In-Tents***
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
Sky TV 'Fluid Viewing' I thought this meant they were now streaming PornHub
the people who make lyric videos on youtube are the backbone of this nation
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
What is 6" long and not getting sucked this Valentine's day? Whitney Houston's crack pipe
How do you impregnate an African woman? jerk off on her feet then let the flies do the rest.
What do you need when you're constipated in math class? Squeeze Theorem
The speed at which you walk into the liquor store says a lot about you as a person.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick Question! Feminists can't change anything.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain Me: Deal
My goal weight is not having to take selfies from such a high angle.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.  Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong ...
What is it called when Anakin licks Padme's Butt? An outer-rim job
A protest on raising the minimum wage lasted almost three hours, from 7:25 to 10:10.
What is this compound? Chemistry teacher drew this during class. http://imgur.com/fQyNg Don't know how to type spoilers, but maybe rot13 will do. Vg'f n cnenqbk.
Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine's Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean...? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.
Hostess: Table for one? Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE? Hostess: ... Me: ... Hostess: ... Me: Yes, one please.
What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
A new musical artist... Another blond this time. Miranda Lambert
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else's microwave.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence *edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and* poof *it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation*
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
"And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending."
I have an eidolon memory. It's the same as an eidetic memory, but I'm also dyslexic.
REPUBLICAN (running for office): We need to make haircuts safer! REPUBLICAN (in office): Haircuts will only be done using chainsaws.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
What kind of jokes does a priest tell? Dad jokes
Little boy blue. He needed the money. credit: Andrew Dice Clay
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I want to wear glasses just so I can take them off and rub my eyes with my palms in exasperation when someone says something stupid.
What makes the scarecrow so good at his job? He's outstanding in his field
Who invented King Arthur's Round Table? Sir Cumference!
A woman gets hit by a truck. Who's fault is it? The truck's fault. What was it doing in the kitchen?
I chew gum when I get sad It helps chew me up
What does a man with no honey do? He cantaloupe.
When is the best time to raise money? When there's a stripper in front of you.
What do i have in Common with neutrinos? We're both constantly penetrating your Mom.
A one-word joke that'll make any Australian laugh Politics.
What does a gay guy call a sausage fest? Feeding Frenzy.
If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints. Like a toaster in a bathtub.
Did you hear Macklemore changed his name? He's Mackle-less now
Chai Tea My wife just got back from Tai Chi class. She brewed a pot of Chai Tea. I told here it tasted pretty shi... The bruises will heal soon.
Just wondering what is a funny punchline to: (saw this incomplete joke in southpark) A baptist priest with a huge boner walks into a bar...
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
What's the difference... What's the difference between a bowling ball and menstrual blood clots? You can't gargle a bowling ball.
*secret agent slaps me* I'll never give you answers *he grabs my throat* "WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA" *spits* I'd rather die
Praying is a lot like masturbation. It feels good to the person doing it but does nothing for the person being thought about.
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese
Spiders: Nature's reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag? The French flag!
Hints are like bombs As long as they're really not subtle, You only need to drop one. But you drop a second one just to be really sure they got the message.
Man calls home before leaving the office, asks his wife to slide down the banister. To get his dinner warmed up.
My girlfriend just walked in and called me g@y. If my nails weren't drying I swear to God...
A catholic priest is drowning - if only he had a buoy to hold onto
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist black people would rob me.
Horrible at making friends I was always horrible at making friends. Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.
"We've traced the call. It's coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!" -Trojan 911 dispatcher
What do you get when the Pillsburry Doughboy bends over Dough nuts
Negative people There is a special place for all the negative people in the universe. It's called the 3rd Quadrant.
Elliptical machines are the caesar salad of exercise.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese's pieces
What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste!
Now that people with zodiac tattoos feel stupid, I'm waiting for China to change its alphabet and indians to start clubs instead of tribes.
Four gay men walk into a bar, there is only one stool left so what do they do? Flip it over
I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
Twitter is the only place where it's actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
The Indian National Army has anti-gay laws... They call it the law of Don't Ask, Don't Patel.
Why didn't Johnny go to the 7 A.M. funeral? Because he just isn't a mourning person.
[texting] ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game. me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
[Catwoman's Lair] Robin: I hear someone. Batman: Lets's hide in this sandpit. {5 min later} R: This is a litter box isn't it? B: I think so.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support
We play cop games because my boyfriend likes to "discharge his weapon."
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don't you just make bags that are twice as strong?
How do you find out that a blonde girl got a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear, and she is looking for her pencil.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole
Me at 7PM: Man I'm so sleepy. Can't wait to get to bed... Me at 12AM: I'M GONNA STAY UP DOING SHIT ON THE INTERNET TIL 4AM!! YEAH!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Knock, knock..........Goliath Knock, knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down -- you looketh tired
Where did the fish go when it needed an operation? To the sturgeon
*watches movie* *sees a scene with full frontal male nudity* *pauses for three months*
I play Jenga on our first date So she knows my pull out game is strong
Why did hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill
What's so good about having sex with 28 year olds? You get to do it 20 times because all of the reposts.
Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
Donald Trump wants to ban pre-shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again!
Her: Let's go shopping. Me: In your dreams. Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi. Me: Why are we still here?
If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.
How come when a woman is pregnant, people rub her tummy...? How come when a woman is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say, "Congratulations" but no one rubs the guy's balls and says "Good job"?!
Someone told me I'm condescending... that means I talk down to people.
I don't like it when my phone puts a word in "quotals" like I made it up or I'm stupid or something.
My friend told me that I just don't understand irony. Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
Sometimes I just tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward That's just how I roll
Nerd joke of the week If Frodo is a Hobbit, are 8 Frodos a Hobbyte?
What's the worst part about Tupac's new sitcom? The Holocaust. (pun, hologram deal)
I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure. This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.
Red-nosed Rudolph was hit by a 747 and a flock of seagulls on Christmas Eve during a gift delivery over Barcelona The reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane (Courtesy of Colin Mochrie)
"Oh, just a scotch." The bartender says, "what can I get for you?" A tachyon walks into a bar.
A man walks into a hotel with his family. He tells the clerk: "I hope the porn is disabled." The clerk replies: "It's just regular porn you sick fuck. "
Whats the word im looking for? You're part of a three-man space crew orbiting Earth. You can ONLY relay one, one word message in 2 seconds. Whats the word?
Q) I have ten arms, eight legs and 22 feet. what am I? A) A liar.
What happens when a clown farts? It smells funny. --As told to me by an Engineering lead... Much facepalm ensued.
I'm not afraid of death, so much as I am of dying! I wanna die how my father died, peacefully in his sleep, not like his screaming terrified passengers! *Gotham, Mondays on Fox*
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don't even look at my wife that much.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Who gets more pleasure from sex? - Well, thinking logically, it must be a woman. - Why? - If you want to scratch your ear, what part of your body gets more pleasure? Finger or ear?
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
I was in the pharmacy today... A man approached me offering either a blue pill or a red pill. I didn't know staying in false reality gave you a 24 hour erection.
I've always wondered what it was like to have a stalker... So I guess I'll ask the guy hiding in my closet.
Damn girl, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple... And if you were a vegetable, I'd visit you in the hospital every day
What is a Muslim womans favorite amendment? The second (right to bare arms)
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Have you ever had African food? Neither they have.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
*knuckle tats* ( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H ) (I'm a librarian)
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? - "Breathe, stupid!"
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
JOSH: Hey dad DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh JOSH: Um yeah DAD: We're changing it JOSH: No please don- DAD: It's done ERIC: What the
Been doing a lot of gay clubbing recently The baby seals put up less of a fight though...
It's like grandma always said... Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won't be invited back.
It turns out the town drunk is an exorcist. Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.
Adults never get excited anymore about how big I got since they last saw me :(
What do you get when you mix a joke with a hypothetical question?
"You've changed." "I know, I'm a Transformer."
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
About 4,000 years ago: God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die! Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
Why won't a woman sleep with you after a date at Burger King? Because you have to court her before you pound her.
Why were the absurdly dressed chickens escorted from the basketball game? Because two flagrant fouls is an automatic ejection.
How do senior citizens handle indoor skydiving? Depends
I jerk off roughly once a day. I try to be a little more loving and gentle the other 2-3.
For 20 years, I've pretended to be the head of propaganda at my company. I'm not really, I just tell everyone I am and they believe me.
Can we protest for a revote on People magazines Sexiest Man Alive? I think Steve Buscemi didn't get the attention he deserved
Did you hear about the football player that went to prison ? He went from being a tight end to being a wide receiver
Wait... "George Bush" ..... George Bush Geonge Elush Ginge Eleshn Ninge Elevhn NiNe EleVEN NINE ELEVEN ..... BUSH DID 9/11
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven was a six offender.
Who ships Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio the most? Not Titanic
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot. Me: Yes, I know. CW: It really bothers me. M: Apparently so. CW: You don't care. M: Apparently not.
Why did the scarecrow win so many awards? Because he was out standing in his field.
Don't kiss today You're going to fast, it's only the first date
What do you call a musician's best friend? A drummer...
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
I had to go into the Dr's today for a regular check up, &amp; I get in there &amp; he pulls down my pants &amp; started jamming his finger in my ass... Yea I guess it's time for a new dentist
Hellen Keller walks into a bar then into a chair, and then into a table.
Why are Asian women so excited about Tuesday? It's Erection Day.
Bae keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin Into da futuuurrrree
how do you know when a computer geek likes you? he looks at your feet instead of his own...
Why does NASA throw the best parties.... they make sure to planet
What did the blind man say to the blind man? Long time no see.
My girlfriend got her car smogged, and suddenly I wondered about Middle-earth; Do Hobbits ever need to Smaug their cars?
My middle finger gets a boner when i think of you
Father in-law told me this gem: "God made a woman..." But didn't take one.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopuss
Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress. Me. Sure *Snip* There you go. Wife. Thanks. Me. No problem. *Kicks pony tail under bed.
What did the Siamese twins from Iowa tell their date? It's February 1st. You going to caucas or not?
I need a volunteer to test Stockholm syndrome. Any takers? Edit: This is a dumb joke...
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
What do you call it when you shoot 49 hot loads in people at a gay bar? An Orlando ~~black~~ *white* sheet party...
Decided to sell my vacuum today well, it was just collecting dust. /thank you Tim Vine
unrelated but I believe strongly that Woody Woodpecker is a lesbian
What's the programmer's favorite drug? A line of code.
What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
What does the sun and cleavage have in common? You can look at both for a second, but if want to stare you need to wear sunglasses.
Being gay is a choice... like being black, poor, or an amputee. No one really made you go to Iraq
I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I'm in Canada
Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think R but it's the C he loves!
What does a bee say before it stings you ? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you !
Bond, Jamaal Bond A black James Bond?  Wouldn't work, he'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
What's the difference between an Hawaiin and a Muslim ? One always offer a snack bar after saying hello
apparently my psychiatrist doesn't appreciate that i call her my new drug dealer
Q: Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop? A: She couldn't raise enough dough.
What did the NSA agent say when the blizzard hit? Looks like we're snowed in.
Is it whisky? Two Chinese men break into a Scottish Distillery. One turns to the other and says "is it whisky?". His accomplice turns to him and says "yes! But not as whisky as wobbing a bank".
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
What did the kidney say to the other kidney when it failed? Urine trouble now.
What's Medusa's favorite type of cheese? *Gorgon*zola
Why is Gandalf's cupcake shop so successful? Because he has a magical staff.
I just found out about Shift Codes in Borderlands... I now have 100 golden keys.
I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it's teaching my children to be self sufficient.
That's the hardest thing about killing a toddler? My dick.
If I were a bird, I'd spend my whole day pooping on BMWs.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf? A creature that sucks blood from your knees.
Got 45 minutes to kill? Watch a senior citizen put a key on a keychain.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
For sale: 2 dead birds (Not going cheep)
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your cock into your girlfriend's ass.
25- 35 year olds
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopus.
IT guy wants to be an astronaut Why did the IT guy want to be an astronaut? So he can find router space.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don't tell anyone about it.
Best way to speed date: "What's your favorite subreddit?" "What's a subreddit?" "Next."
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas" so I'm wearing hers because good moms listen
Why do woman have legs? So their feet don't smell like pussy.
I dreamt last night that I got Reddit gold. Instead I got downvoted to oblivion.
Bet they weed out lots of people at big city detective school in the jump off building/land on roof of another building class.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet. Me: I WASNT READY
What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead hooker? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage
A huge gorgeous butterfly landed on my arm just now. Naturally I screamed and flailed my arms around frantically, but lovely really.
When I write too fast, my "E" looks like a "G" making this assignment sheet where I marked several projects as "DONE" look pretty weird.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
When people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years... "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision!"
Ran into my ex the other day Then I put it in reverse. Then I ran her over.
Hear about cannibal... ... who was ate before he was seven?
I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You'd have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.
eer booze and fun!' 'How do barmen surf the web? On the Gin-ternet.
Did you hear about the guy who lived in a tyre? He got a puncture and now he lives in a Flat 
Monorail joke I love making jokes about monorails, they make the best one-liners!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won't have sex with you either.
40% of women in the world are battered... And I've been eating mine plain this whole time.
Why cant witches get pregnant? Because ghosts have hollow-weenies! Happy halloween :)
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him? Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts. Mine has been gone 6 years.
btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search "scrotum" because people only post pictures using a medical name if there's something wrong
What do you call a Jamaican cooking competition? A jerkoff
TIFU getting fired from the calendar factory All I did was take a day off.
What's the slogan of Jewish proselytizers? Yahweh or the highway.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How can you tell if a woman is bi-polar? She works at two different strip clubs.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's some really obscure number. You've probably never even heard of it.
No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border of Canada.
What did the newly paroled French prisoner name his restaurant? Attempted Crepe
Children in the back seat cause accidents... ...accidents in the back seat cause children.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? 'cause if they fell forward, they'd still be in the Fuckin' boat! I'll show myself out.
How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a very calm rabbit? The tame way.
what happens when the world stops existing,when all the stars and planets don't exist anymore? Half life 3 will go into early development.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a computer? You only have to punch the information into a computer once.
What's the difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas? I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
"New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.
Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Like a recovering crack addict, my computer is broken & I can only use others in small doses. A little facebook goes a long way. *twitch*
The boy was so lazy that he got up a bit earlier so that he could do nothing for a bit longer.
I don't understand what you mean by 'stop drinking so much'. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals. It's shift work.
What is a support group for lesbian mathematicians called? Number Munchers!
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? What suppressive told you to change the light bulb? Report to Ethics immediately!
If I were a fly on the wall, I'd probably be the slow, uncoordinated one that makes someone feel like a ninja for killing me on first try.
I think you're suffering from a lack of vitamin me.
The key to being smart is not talking about shit you don't know about. You should try it. Like immediately.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's an obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.
I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery... He thanked me.
Help! My Wife left me for my best friend And I miss him...
The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock
I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
It all Title says it all
I said a funny joke and my friend told me to post it here. /r/The_Donald
A woman astronaut.. A woman astronaut calls her base: -Houston we have a problem. -What is it? -Nothing...
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Hello jokesters! How about we show off our best 'I'm so poor that...' jokes. Fell free to put any joke that you feel is funny.
[me telling a joke] guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand. ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.
There's only one thing I remember from sexual harassment training. "Harass" is just one word.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Why don't tennis players get married? Because to them love means nothing.
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
DRAKE: I'll drop the best album of 2016. BEYONCE: Nah. DRAKE: The best album of... April? BEYONCE: Nah. DRAKE: Please don't do this to me.
A photon walks into a hotel..... ..... And is asked if he needs help with his luggage. The photon replies, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
What game did the dentist play when she was a child?...Caps and robbers
A feminist was asking me how i watch lesbian relationships unfortunately, in HD was the wrong answer.
How is snow white?  -Pretty good according to the 7 dwarfs
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus.. Or just a really cool-opotamus?
Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking in tents
Why do cows have hooves? Because they lac-tose!
Where does the thumb meet its type? At the SPACE BAR! reddit is fun! I'm staring at the keyboard tryin' to think up a joke and voila'!
Conjunctivitis.com That's a site for sore eyes...
Baltimore Ravens go low carb Baltimore ravens go low carb and cut Rice. (I will see myself out)
There are two muffins baking in an oven: One muffin says to the other, "Damn it's hot in here!" To which the other muffin says, "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
A history professor was given a boring lecture about Russian dictators Finally, an exasperated student exclaimed,"stop, you're putin me to sleep"
What is it about half men - half horses? They always have to be centaur of attention.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.
Looking forward to Monday? You're married
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Why are all blond jokes 1 liners... So men can understand them too!
Why is it impossible to mistake a penis for a vagina? Because there's a vas deference.
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz
Toast is just bread that likes to party.
When you drop the toilet paper and the roll world unravels before your eyes
What are eukaryotes' least favorite subject in school? Algaebra...
What does a gang say on December 25th? Merry Crips-mas
I heard that Bill Clinton threw his support behind Bernie Sanders He misheard. He thought the campaign slogan was *Feel the Intern*.
What is the singular form of binoculars? telescope
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches. Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Do you know what matter to me? my nihilism
Why do frogs have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !
I would go to any lengths to find a good measuring tape.
A local policeman did a talk on heroin It was impossible to understand him
him: what are u wearing me: I AM WREATHED IN VOID, AN EMPTINESS WHICH ADMITS NO LIGHT OR LIFE & SIGNALS THE END OF ALL THINGS him: thats hot
[REQUEST] FAST! I'm trying to impress a girl by text. Send me your funniest jokes about potatoes. Anything having to do with potatoes. NSFW or not anything's fair game.
Why was 1 all salty? Someone told him it was 2's day.
Trump: "Let's get that Muslim band going" "Band? We thought you said ban" Trump: "No way, that's harsh. Also, how's the Mexican mall going?"
What do a Chinese tourist who got run over by a bus and a lobster have in common? They're both crushed-asians
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream "three-way" ice cream & I'm not sure I'll correct her cuz I'm a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
"But what can we do for the people who love our crowds but hate the rides?" And with that question The Disney Cruise was born.
Which room in Donalds Trump's house has the thickest walls? his-panic room.
How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb? Dunno. Never been able to get them past the question.
I'd like to have a kid but I'm not sure I'm ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
ELI5 How easy is it to get into watching NETFLIX... ...when I haven't even seen NETFL**I** - NETFL**VIII**
I'm Not Racist! Racism is a crime... ...and crime is for black people.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I'm not kicking it around the living room.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Why did Chewbacca fail his driving test? He made a few Wookiee errors.
Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France. It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
My daughter gets all bossy when we're playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she's at school I play with them the way I want.
A duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he says to the man running the stand... ..HEY! (pom pom pom) Got any grapes?
[phone rings] "Is your refrigerator running?" *looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon* "I don't know what he's doing anymore."
[first day as aquarium guide] Me: & here's 8 snakes biting a soccer ball Guy: that's an octopus Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Last year, Taylor Swift went on a world tour called TS 1989 That must've been an awkward stop in Beijing
I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Free.
What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino? A helephino. (Hellifiknow)
The three unwritten rules of life. 1. 2. 3.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender yells at him to get out, saying, "We don't serve your kind here!" The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
Computer Joke: What do you call a fat man's jacket? Firmware
I believe all people are equal... ...whether they're black, Chinese or normal.
Why don't little girls stay out late? Because Jared likes to eat fresh
I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Free!
My password is pussy Because most hackers don't get it
Countdown is Dracula's retarded brother.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
What is Bill and Ted's favorite book of the bible? Duderonomy! They also like Leviticus.
There's a band called 1023MB... You might have heard of them... But memory fades.
What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.
"Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me." -My toilet
Why does Teller piss everyone off when he leaves a party? Goes without saying
I didn't like my beard at first.. Then it started to grow on me
WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
Call your boring friend Simon, "Sighmon" he'll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Did you hear apple just invented gifs? They called it live photos
If I could have sex with any historical figure it would be Marie Antoinette. I hear she gives good head.
My wife wants to lose some weight,so she is doing a lot of horse riding. and,what are the results? for one week horse lost 20 pounds.
It should be illegal to own a bug-eyed pug and not make it wear sunglasses in public.
A nerd walks in a Norwegian forest and asks his tour guide... so tell me, where are those YouTube trolls?
*at bank* I always think it's funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks Teller: "haha. First name?" *Pulls out gun* Robin
Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them.
What starts with "F" and ends with "uck"? Fuck.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
What does Matthew McConnaughey call Nazis when he's trying to bring them into the mainstream? Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right
What's a 6.9 A good time ruined by the period?
How does Wonder Woman like Superman to perform oral sex? She likes him to do the justice lick.
What does JK Rowling text her friends to let them know that she was just kidding :(
Today I found out how electricity was measured... I was like watt???
After many years, I have decided I no longer care where Waldo is because we do not have any sort of reciprocal relationship.
Did Jesus ever get drunk? I dunno either, but I heard he got hammered once.
So apparently a gorilla got shot at the zoo for grabbing a kid that had wandered into its enclosure.. And social media went apeshit.
I'm afraid my dog is an alcoholic. She just can't seem to hold her licker.
What do gyms and prisons have in common? They're both full of ripped assholes.
What is the best place to hide a dead body? On the second page of google.
How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb? ...2, but how'd they get in there.
What's a pirates favorite place to eat? Arrrrrrrrrbyyyyssss
You ever heard the joke about the sandwich?.... ...I heard it was full of bologna
Couple kissing on the road A Kid On His Way To Home With His Mom Saw A Couple Kissing On The Road, He Suddenly Shouted &amp; Said: Look Mom look, that boy and girl Are Fighting For A Chewing GUM.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral's ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can't hear you.
Mom: you failed your english test, didn't you? Me: who telled you?
Duct Tape is a lot like The Force It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
What superhero consists of only 16 atoms? Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!
Where did Little Suzie go when the bomb hit? Everywhere.
Those guys spinning giant arrows outside of stores are great at getting attention but they might need some pointers on how arrows work.
Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck.
I invited a girl back to my house for cocktails. She got excited at the thought but left when I started telling her stories about my rooster.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We're all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My wife and I were happy for 22 years...... Then we met!
ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this HER: its...fine ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours
1st Date Me: Just warning you. I get freaky. Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.? Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[Gets a Netflix notification on phone] FRIEND: Is that your ex? ME: [Lying] No.
I don't understand why French is considered the language of love... Have you heard Latin? It's so obviously **roman**tic.
"Gangnam Style / Schneider, Rob / 9/11 / Inside Job" - my new version of "We Didn't Start the Fire"
I went to an ATM... I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." ~Mario
Whats the best part about dating a black girl? You rarely have to meet their dad.
I clicked "Going" on a Facebook event last week but now I feel like staying in... *masked tough guys throw me in a van* "You committed, pal"
Chumlee was arrested for sexual assault, drugs, and guns. Do you think Rick will go to the court and haggle down his sentence?
What do you call the game that centres around weak leadership? Reddit.
What will they ask Jared of Subway in the prison shower? 'Do you want a 6 or a 12 inch one?' I heard this joke on Bill Burr's podcast.
What do you call a naked old man crawling out of a coal mine? 50 shades of grey's anatomy
How does a butcher introduce his wife to his friends? "Meet Patty"
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? She was a woman.
Schrdringer's cat walks into a bar Or not
[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Go left." -"Dude those are trees." "trust me."
Why do women wear striped bras? Because it's a ZEBRA.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.
I don't chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.
Why are black cats such good singers? They're very mewsical.
Just had a food baby, but I'm not ready for that type of responsibility so I flushed it
What is the witches motto ? We came we saw we conjured !
What do you call a french gayman? A faguette.
A lesbian couple and a gay couple had a race to see who could get across the country to California first The lesbians arrived first, lickity split. The gay dudes were still at home packing their shit.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I borrowed money from a pessimist because he doesn't expect me to pay him back
if you have a favorite tetris block that isn't the 4x1 long piece, you're a fucking contrarian idiot asshole and i hate you
What is Rhiannas favorite type of cheese? mozzarella-ella-ella
Yo mama is so fat that when she walked in front of the TV, I missed 3 seasons of Breaking Bad
Take it Like a Man "Take it like a man" is a phrase that means something completely different if one is hit in the crotch.
If you want to hunt birds at night, you should bring a Texan along. They always seem to remember the owl-ammo.
Why doesn't the NAACP do anything about how shitty black jelly beans are?
Next time somebody tries to argue using statistics.... Remind them that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second. I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute.
If I ever find a dead body while I'm hiking I'm gonna be like finally
Where does Optimus Prime go for cosmetic repairs? To the autobotty shop!
What does a programmer do in the toilet? A log dump!
"I'm so sorry" "No, I'm really sorry" "No, I'm even sorrier than you" "No, I'm the sorriest ever!" *mutual hug* -Canadian rap battle
Teenage sex. Haha-ha...ha...amirite guys?... : {
[two coworkers walk into my office] Coworkers: Hey! It's your two favorite people here to ask you a question! Me: Where?
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday. ...
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Do they make a scale that says things like "Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?"
Seeing as it's almost time for New Years Celebrations for myself Tonight I am an exorcist, as I shall be ridding the house of all Spirits.
What do you call a voucher for complimentary Chipotle? free coli
Diarrhea must be hereditary Because it runs in your jeans.
I checked my hotel room for left behind goods and all I found was this lousey comb. I guess you could say my room was bugged.
What type of sense of humor does rain have?  -A very wet sense of humor
"Gotta wake up early" *sets alarm for 5am* *wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm* *goes back to sleep*
Magician: "Think of a number." Me: "Okay." Magician: "Are you thinking of a number?" Me: "Yes." *the crowd goes wild with applause*
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy
Thanks for the memory I bought a memory foam mattress topper for my bed but I can't remember if I put it on or not?
A university in the United States was robbed of a whopping $170,000 One student managed to erase his own debt.
"I'm quite content on this side of the street, thank you." -- No squirrel ever.
Did you know that Ang Lee made Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon five years before he made Brokeback Mountain? Yeah, working title for the latter film was Crouching Cowboy, Hidden Sausage.
Fat women are like hydrogen single and abundant
A magician stopped me in the street. He said, "Think of a number between 1 and 10." I said, "OK." He said, "Have you got one?" I said, "No, not yet. It's only 12.30."
The Muffin Joke Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said "Hey, it's pretty hot in here, isn't it?" The other turned and shouted "Oh my god a talking muffin!"
Call your son Jack So you can drop your wife and Jack off every morning. (Actually heard a friend said that)
Why do lesbians shop at sport authority? Because they don't like Dick's
Why did Vivaldi die poor? Because he was baroque.
Women don't make good meteorologists because they're never wrong
What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive? Sad Dan
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intense.
if ur in a bad mood & somone says "have a good day" the best response is to yell "HEY EVRYONE THIS DUDES HANDING OUT GOOD DAYS COME GET ONE"
Women who live in glass houses shouldn't complain about the glass ceiling
Is your refrigerator running? Because if so I would vote for it.
Guys are always 'just kidding' unless you say yes
What do you call a midget in a Mental Asylum? I don't really know, but it sounds a little crazy
How do you know when your girlfriend is to young? When you have to make the aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.
I met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds funny, dozen tit
Have you heard of the hypochondriac who had issues with his bowels? He was always full of shit
Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a novel? Because he always gets stuck in Chapter 11.
WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can't be fast.
My friend told me he really dislikes "All Star" by Smashmouth. I said: "Hey now..."
Poor old lady!! I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today. Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had 86p in her purse.
What is the difference between a brothel and a circus? One is an array of cunning stunts!
{batman walking downstairs} "Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman's left me a present" [the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Why did the dwarf go out of business? The overheads were too high.
If "Pretty Woman" teaches us anything it's that prostitution is a lucrative, whimsical enterprise that every young woman should try.
What do near-sighted gynecologists and little puppies have in common? A wet nose
The greatest trick the Devil ever played is where he touches my chest and says "What's that?" and I look down and he flicks my nose.
How many girls does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, you tell me.
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? *Everywhere*
What does a clever sentry on guard duty say when he wakes up to see his commanding officer standing over him? Amen
What is ET short for? Because he has short legs
What do you get if you cross a dead Israeli leader with a New Age diet nut? Menachem Vegan
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can't hear you" over and over
What is a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? Long John Silvers.
What do you call a toilet seat that's missing the left side? Half-assed. (please forgive me, first time)
What did the one tampon say to the other tampon? nothing, theyre both stuck up cunts edit: special thanks to justinjoytheride
Don't forget when you're tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You're welcome.
Eat Chipotle with your hands? Fine. Eat stuff that falls out of it with your hands? Get stared at you like you smeared shit on someone's kid
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn't think.
Two does walk out of a forest. One turns to the other and says... I'll never do that for two bucks again
Are you fond of alternative sources for cooling technologies? I'm a huge fan.
How many people from rio does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazilian. Saw this joke elsewhere and thought i'd share it here.
Why are penguins so shy? They always get cold feet.
How many Social Justice Warriors does it take to change a lightbulb? None, just the one black guy they get to do it so they can tell him how oppressed he is.
Only use "extra virgin" to describe olive oil that doesn't even think about fucking.
Why don't the jedi drink vodka? Because only the Sith deal in absolut
Why is the universe feminine in nature? Because it's made up of galaxies.
I spilled a whole case of forks today..... ...you could say I forked up real bad
I'm starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time.....
Your Momma is so classless... She could be a Marxist utopia
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims, they went through 110 stories in 4 seconds
Jail is a prison term. And that was a prison sentence
We should all give Earth a one star rating on TripAdvisor so hostile aliens won't want to come here.
What do you call a black person with a PHD? A Doctor you racist!
Mike Tyson wrecked a ship once... who wouldda thunk it?
He who laughs first, must be using 3G internet.
The Republicans asked the Democrats what it would take to stop being considered stupid. The democrats said "Just put forth one presidential candidate who can make a brain surgeon look like an idiot."
How do you get a stranger to hop onto a bandwagon? You poke 'em on.
Q: What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas? A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.
What's Chris Brown's favourite game? Mortal Kombat Ex
If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia. After all, they're not going to key their own car.
all your favs are going to a special cause tonight it's called "my low self esteem"
I think I'm uglier with my glasses on but I'm uglier with contacts in, too.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
As the NASCAR driver went around the track it just didn't feel right.
Aren't horses just Eunuchorns?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If you love batman, let him go... Batman returns.
Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards ? A receding hare-line.
FITBIT: You've done 11k steps today. ME: Ok, I'll rest some. FITBIT: stop now and I'll murder you ME: What? FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Your money or your life by Stan Den Deliver
A Man Is Reading An r/Jokes Post... "Heh heh, that's pretty humorous... ...Just like my arm bone."
Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong.
There's absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
What did the hipster say when a starbucks opened in his neighborhood? "You can't gentrify this place! I just moved here!"
It's all fun and games until you notice the "rocket" in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
Instead of sending an "e-card," why not swing by & fart in my mouth?
No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don't dilly dally kill them immediately
A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting
What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner? Cow chow!
don't worry, if there's a third world war, the United States won't be involved because it's a first world country
What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE.
Harambe Memes died just like Harambe himself... When the little kids jumped in.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control... I thought to myself Well, this changes everything
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. The question is how they got in there.
My friend is 1/8th Jew He's Jew...Ish
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let's see what else is lying around first.
Rave culture: A professor rushes two of his students to the maternity ward and says to the doctor... "Brah! My pupils are super dilated right now!"
womens rights
Why do ants rarely, if ever, get sick? Because of their tiny little anty bodies.
What do you have when there's balls on your chest? Chestnuts What do you have when there's balls on your chin? A dick in your mouth.
I just spent 45 seconds deciding which Instagram filter to use for a screenshot of a text message. So, yeah, my life's going great.
Why do giraffes have long necks? Because their feet stink.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with large tits? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
There's something missing... Girl : Can you listen to me ? Boy : what ? Girl : I like you okay , And I feel there's something missing in my hart . Boy : I think it's an E
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that's what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
How do you know an Asian has robbed your house? They're still in your driveway
In soviet Russia..... Road crosses chicken
I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot and all over my crotch.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE THOR - "here" HULK - "here" IRON MAN - "here" CAPT. AMERICA - "here" USELESS ARROW GUY - ... I SAID- HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The only clowns I'm afraid of... Are the ones running for president
How come there's a History Channel that tells us what happened but not a Future Channel that tells us what's about to happen? That's racist.
Really Funny Joke What is Charlie Sheens middle name? Washingma Charlie Washingma Sheen
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that's big enough.
this toddler on the bus said "the wheels on the bus go round & round" & this guy yelled back "no shit Sherlock" & I can't stop clapping?
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Jackson decided to combine their efforts to create a Superhuman... they called it Michael Sch......was-a-negger. Sorry for the Racism :&lt;
How is a lady like a casino? Liquor in the front and poker in the back
I just saved 57 dollars on my groceries without a single coupon. Self checkouts are awesome.
What kind of bees give milk? Boo-bees.
Floyd Mayweather's true record is 51-0... They forgot to count the 3 times he beat his wife.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream got shot.
How can you make a small fortune? start with a big one
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar twenty five, deer nuts are under a buck
Why can't Mexicans bow hunt? 'Cause they don't Habanero!
I laughed at my friend for being unable to juggle... Turns he just didn't have the balls to do it.
Ive got an idea for a Halloween party costume... I'll go only in my pants so when people ask what I'm whereing I'll say, " Im premature ejaculation, so I just came in my pants."
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he's named after a religious bundle of hay.
So a man walks into a bar His drinking problem is destroying his family
What do you call a pedophile musician? A kiddy-fiddler
How does every Black joke start?... By looking over your shoulder
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream got shot!
Grandpa, why did you have so many kids? "Hey anon, do you want to know why your grandmother and I had so many children?" "Why's that, Grandpa?" "No TV."
Why should you know who is the bride at an Irish wedding? Because that's the one you're *not* allowed to punch in the face.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don't know who's calling.
Why didn't Michael J Fox order food at McDonalds? He got the shakes instead.
I don't think my wife likes me very much when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
just like how Magma doesnt become Lava until it comes out of a volcano, its not poop until it comes out of the ass. before its out its pizza
Awwww, so cute how Disney went from making brilliant animated movies to mass producing cleverly disguised teenage whores.
What sound does a Hispanic pacman make? Guac-a Guac-a!
Why can't Skrillex go fishing? He always drops the bass. Teehee
Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
2016 strikes again. The inventor of the inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it really hard.
Do you know how many planets are in the solar system? 7, after I destroy Uranus.
Why can't black people steal from Jews on Yom Kippur? NSFW Dey fast
Why are trumpets more expensive than clarinets? Brass tax
Weird Computer Error UK.eu has unexpectedly stopped working
Good Joke ..Not
Donald Trump was down in Rio at the Olympics. He wanted to see how high the Mexican pole vault team was getting.
I saw some porn with Charlie Brown music in it and it really didn't fit the mood.
So Candlejack walks into a ba
Sometimes people say I look like Owen Wilson, and I always say the same thing to them Wooow, You're crazier than a road lizard.
What jedi is the best at opening PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi
When is a Pixie not a Pixie? When its head is up a Fairy's skirt, then it's a goblin.
TIFU by accidentally playing music off of my neighbors speakers. Whoops, wrong sub.
New laws Do not let your friends derive drunk.
[donating blood] Me [feeling lightheaded]: I'm gonna need that back
I asked the guy in the Santa suit why he was following me around. He said he was Christmas stalking.
How can you tell if a duck has soul? If it's bill withers!
What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?! In the grass.. So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?! [all the children] Grass?? Yessssss.
YOGA CLASS INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog *loud thud GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I'm ok. I'm ok. It's just a bloody nose.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
wow this is crazy: over 30,000 white girls "literally die" every year because they "actually can't right now"
Pandora thinking I want to hear a Coldplay song should count as cyberbullying
Downvotes for being a Trump supporter should only be worth 3/5ths of a downvote... You know why.
I don't believe that twitter is the place for arguments. We all have family for that..
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU'RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo. *child kisses parents and goes to bed MY HOUSE: Time for bed. *mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I drink, therefore I am.... Drunk.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Why do farmers have potential to become great judges? They recognize bullshit from miles.
How are beer nuts like deer nuts? You can find a small bag of each under a buck.
Me: Ping me when you are free. Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?" Me: I cooked it for you. It's over there, on that teaspoon.
Did you hear about the mathematician ghost? "No" Well, Its the spirit that counts.
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears." Only Vincent responded.
What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other?? Irene
What do you call a scouser in a suit? The defendant.
What did the man with leprosy say to the hooker after he paid her? You can keep the tip.
"I really wish you'd post more 4sq checkins & tumblr links" -no one on Twitter ever
What is a witch's favourite TV show? Lifestyles of the Witch and Famous!
The mother of all Dad jokes. Dad: *Picks up caterpillar* I'll name him Hans! Person: "Why?" Dad: "Because he's got lots of Hans!"
What do you do when you love a hotel? You Mariott
"Why is your blow up doll half deflated?" "She was getting a little heavy.."
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick into someones ass
Hillary's So Crooked.... Hillary's So Crooked She Needs A Kaine!
What do you call an Egyption's butt muscle? A sphinxster
where do you take a sick horse? The horspital
How come if ants are always so busy they always get  time to show up at picnics ?
After a few bites of sunflower butter I've never been more fully prepared to buy a Prius.
Did you hear about the suicide bomber that became a Youtube sensation? He never thought he'd blow up like this.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army. Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Hillary Clinton asked the debate moderator a knock knock joke... Knock knock. Who's there? Hill--. INTERRUPTING TRUMP!
What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire? How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)
What do you call a dentist in the army ? A drill sergeant !
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb!
I've been digging through piles of fossils all day. No Homo.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster chef and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
If you steal my identity and get a credit card I'll be impressed. Not because you stole my identity, but because you got approved. Kudos!
Why was the blonde's belly button sore? Because her boyfriend was blond too.
Do you know why bicycles fall over? Because they are two-tired.
What do a pedophile and a Pokemon master have in common? They both have a collection of CP
I wonder if skunks ever think, "why do I smell like a pound of weed?"
Prince has died. The artist fully known as alive.
What do you get when you shove an iPhone into a blender? Apple Sauce
What do you call a group of Spaniards in quicksand? Bean dip
Enough is Enough! No like seriously they're the same word.
Lactose Joke (^_^) Soy milk is actually just milk that speaks only Spanish.
What do you call a preacher with an erection? A firm believer
Give a man a fish and he'll go to McDonald's instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald's
"Hey Barack" "yes Joe?" "I bet T-Rex's took terrible selfies" "Ok Joe" "Because they had..." "Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy"
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican? Me: Labels are for soup cans Survey: Can you tell us which way you're leaning? Me: Clam chowder
Haters gonna hate, thermometers gonna thermom
If I were a homeless guy, I'd walk up behind young women, put my arm around them & cop a feel on a boob because I have nothing to lose.
*runs into coworker at store* *pretends I don't speak English*
Famous Russian snooker player Inov the red
How do attractive men pay for things? They handsome money to the cashier
How did the scientist like his guacamole? With lots of Avogadro!
I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name.
You know, the world doesn't revolve around you! ...because it'd take too long if it did.
I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Andrew. After all both Florida and Louisiana have oil.
teacher: i'm considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that? me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!
What do dolphins use to stay clean? All-porpoise cleaner.
I'm going to shave my beard. Her legs will look #FAAAABULOUUUUUS!
A man gets pulled over for speeding. The cop comes to the driver's window, takes a few sniffs and says "Sir, have you been drinking?" The driver says "I SWEAR TO DRUNK, I'M NOT GOD!"
I saw a truck that works for Stolkholm Home Improvement. I really hope their slogan is "You'll eventually love it"
Did you hear about that one statistician? Probably.
5 years ago when 'House of Cards' started we said, 'That's so scary.' Now Trump is here and we're like, 'hahaha, House of Cards is adorable'
It's an old true fact that girls like bad boys so don't text them back real fast and when you do say you were in a time out.
Two antennas met on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a "ghost" and end up as a "drunk ghost that needs a ride home."
I think what I despise the most about blind people is knowing they'll get rid of that dog as soon as they start to see.
What's the last thing someone wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare
Dad, how could you? I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.L Then it dawned on me.
Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I'm having the hardest time deciding what to wear
So what if I can t spell Armageddan It s not the end of the world.
I need an ex-boyfriend so I have something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
[stranded on Mars journal] day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days day 2: I ate rob
What do you call a German with no good inside? Guten free.
An untalented gymnast walks into a bar.
Why does Dr Dre make headphones? Beats me.
I could never be gay I just can't have sex with someone I respect
I used to hang out with a guy who was covered in mushrooms. He was an all around fun guy.
Where's the gratification in tearing down another human being? It's much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
What do you get when you cross a onion and a donkey? A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye
I've been driving for about seven years and haven't had an accident yet... I guess you could call me a wreckless driver
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
What did Thin Lizzie do with his iPhone? Jailbreak
What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say? Aloha Akbar.
So far, not a single girl I've asked is interested in a fling. I don't think they trust my human catapult.
My friend has just got back from Africa and isn't feeling well He keeps buying raffle tickets. Im worried he has tombola...
A rabbi, a nun, and a horse walk into a bar, bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom BIDEN: Okay, let's go catch some Pokemon
Why wasn't Hamlet sad when his girlfriend drowned? He was more of a necrOpheliac anyway.
I saw Denzel Washington on the street today. I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?" And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit." Classic Denzel.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
What do your mom and a camel have in common? They both spit.
The label of this bag of roasted peanuts includes a warning that they come from a plant that processes peanuts
GF: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital ME: That'll be great, we really need the beds
If they sold Star Trek themed condoms they wouldn't need to put any condoms in the wrappers.
I've never thought about suicide until now... But it might cheer me up if you tried.
Why did the heart get sent to police station? Cardiac arrest.
There's only 7,100 cheetahs left in the wild. Scientists say they are racing towards extinction.
What do communists and feminists have in common ... They cannot change anything.
How did I get out of Iran? Iraq. Edit: Guys I think I fucked up.
Why did the plane crash??? The pilot was a load of bread!
I'm not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I'm the one your Father highly recommended.
I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "......afraid of Chuck Norris."
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in  a light bulb? A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
I always suspected that Matthew McConaughey was a rebel. That suspicion was confirmed when I saw what he wore every single day after Labor Day. All white, all white, all white.
If wrestlers have biceps, and bodybuilders have triceps, what do surgeons have? Forceps (I hate my shit life)
Why don't men install urinals in their houses? Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)
England and Ethiopia recently played each other in a football match After a tough match, with both opponents clashing, the scoreline ended in English 8 - Ethiopia Didn't
The first judge ever was like "When I'm done talking I'll pound my desk with a hammer" and we were all "Ok that's not insane"
Did you see the score to the Ethiopia vs Egypt soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't
crisis in the morning, crisis in the evening, crisis at suppertime. in an indifferent universe, you can have an existential crisis anytime!
What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat? Their owner.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amy ! Amy who? Amy for the top!
How do you make a nun pregnant? (fixed) NSFW Dress her up as an altar boy and hope he misses.
Most people don't even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80's. I saw a documentary about it.
If humans have politics, then what do bees have? POLLENtics
A man hires a $10 hooker and gets crabs... He goes back with the hooker and complaints , she says "what were you expecting for 10 bucks? Lobster?"
I've just brought a donut shaped pancake.... Holy Crepe.
How do you describe the facial features of a man who shaves with sculpting tools? Chiseled.
Order of the Phoenix is my favourite Harry Potter book Dead serious.
I got throw out of university for plagiarism... Their words, not mine.
I mostly make black jokes because I have a dark sense of humor
Why did the nihilist cross the road? It doesn't matter.
What do you call a Canadian fish with no bones? Phil, eh?
Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.
Hooters sucks! Feed you messy ass hot wings presented by one the hottest skimpiest dressed big boobed blonde. Its like they're daring to go to the bathroom and jack off.
Wise man once say... He who runs in front of car will get tired, He who runs behind car will get exhausted.
I often think "Why would anyone live in Gotham? It's a shithole!", but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].
Are you frome Tennessee? Because you're a bitch.
A priest asks a rabbi, "when are you going to finally try pork?" The rabbi replies, "At your wedding friend,"
The guy who invented paper died last week That's tearable!
What's another name for someone who makes prosthetics? A body builder
I have a joke for you that has no punchline.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
What do tigers wear in bed ?  Stripey pyjamas !
What's small and green and smells like pork? Kermit's Finger.
Q. What's brown and sticky? A. A stick!
A woman got breast implants made of wood... It would be funny if this joke had a punch line... wooden tit
What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out? The dentist.
LPT: If you're trying to get over a crush just imagine them taking the wettest dump ever. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit.
What do you get when a clown dies in a desert? Dry Humour.
My Problem Is Making Puns People call my jokes Punfunny. See I told you!
A guy calls his boss and asks "What's the difference between this morning and your wife?" "I'm not coming in *this morning*"
Xmas Russian Roulette: 1. Sit next to parents. 2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop. 3. Go to the website it auto completes to.
How many black people does it take to start a riot.... -1
Why are the noses of Jewish people so big? Because air is free.
[dog walking a human] *walks by a coffeeshop with its door open* HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I used to be an adventurer like you... But then I took an arrow to the knee.
My ex-wife still misses me... but her aim is getting better!
I get it grandma. I'm not sure what to do on Facebook either.
How do you organize wet books? With the mildewy decimal system!
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano! [me] thanks [Elephant] What are the keys made of? [Me] Uhh.. [Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
What do Bill Gates and the Pope have in common? They've both put their faith in the cloud.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea Because if they flew over the bay then they would be bagels
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions
What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four guys watching a baseball game.
The best joke today.... Lol @ your username
Frozen Joke Q: Why can't Elsa hold a balloon? A: Because she might Let it Go
A friend of mine died from a sore throat... ... Th**e**y hung him!
Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive".
Why did the fisherman keep taking off? Because he was fly fishing.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Apple is hiring McDonald's employees.... .....Do you want a Dongle with that?
Life is like a penis... Short, hard, and fat. It's the women that make it soft and easy.
I feel so empty after sex... It's OK though. I'm a prostate gland.
BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?
What do Led Zeppelin and New Orleans have in common "When the Levi breaks, we have no place to stay"
Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter!
Buys valentine. Writes "I love you" inside. Mails card to self. Receives card in mail. Reads card. "Eww, why do I attract losers?"
Why did the Jews hate Jesus? Because he gave away salvation for free.
If a cow laughs, does milk come out his nose?
What vegetable likes to party? A turn-up
If Britney Spears can get through 2007 you can get through school...
Don't you just hate murderers & people who pronounce "either" differently than you do?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show THERAPIST: Is this true? ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break
Armed man come in to the bank an told everyone to be cool, so i put my shades on an lent against the wall... Fucker still shot me!
How do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Best joke I've heard in a while feminism
Yo momma so white... ...she thinks mayonaise is a spice. ...when she goes to vote, her name is still on the list. ...when she goes to jail, she gets parole.
What do they call helium, neon, argon,krypton on the REALLY COLD planet? Noble rocks
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you're 35 and realise it's a chilling documentary.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache* "Hello sir or ma'am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat"
What was Beethoven's favorite food? BA-NA-NA-NAAA!!!!! (to the tune of Beethoven's 5th symphony)
I've got two tickets to paradise and a they're both obstructed view.
A hole has been found in the nudist colony wall. The police are looking into it
What flies through the jungle singing opera ?  The parrots of Penzance !
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Why are black people so good at basketball? Because there is running shooting and stealing involved!
I wish I had a job. That way I could spend all day tweeting when I should be working.
If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a newspaper bag? One is made of plastic and poses a suffocation hazard to small children. The other one contains newspapers.
I hear there's a support group for overly talkative people... It's called And On And On And On Anon
"How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?" Doesn't follow instructions very well.
Monica Lewinsky was recently offered a new position at a prestigious boarding school. Headmaster.
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? The slow swimmer
We were promised flying cars and instead all we got were magic glowing rectangles to access all the world's knowledge :(
I went fishing but didn't catch any fish It was a failure.
I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake... He beat me at Mario Kart.
You know you're getting fat when.. The clothes section you shop in has chairs spread out incase you get winded.
What is a flea's favourite book ? The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy !
So my friend got himself a trophy wife... From the looks of it, it was a participation award.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet. I'm basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I have to look up the word innuendo... If you know what I mean ;) Courtesy of Suits
Thought about helping an old lady across the street but she prob doesnt have Facebook & wont make a post about it that goes viral so no thx
Did you hear about the professor that got in a horrible wreck? He was grading papers on a curve.
Before college, I didn't know what I was doing with my life, but now I'm confident I have no idea what I'm doing.
Say the best joke you have ever heard or made up.
Hiker's last words "Who the hell do you think you are, that you are eating those blueberries dressed in that damned fur coat in the middle of this damned forest?"
What do you call someone who never farts in public? A PRIVATE TUTOR
I hope there's a scientist somewhere in the world right now working on a way for Coldplay to get more whoa-oh-ohs into a 3 minute pop song.
Two fonts walk into a line dance club. The barman says to them "Get out. We don't serve your type here."
Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I'm forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.
The most massive object of our entire supercluster Hey, you're like the Great Attractor Thanks man No I mean like you're the heaviest thing in the known universe
An old couple was found dead in a drive in theater ... they came to see the movie "Closed for Winter".
The word of the day is: bishop My sister fell down the stairs, i had to pick the bitch up
The thing about good music is.. ...its technically sound.
Me : I wanna go home Boss: where's your dedication? Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?
Saw It Of all the saws that I have seen saw, I never saw a saw saw like this saw saws. If you go thru Arkansas and see a saw that can out-saw the saw that I saw saw, I'd like to see that saw saw!
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I'm put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus VAT
What do spiders eat in France? French flys
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his "neck" "BanaNA" he moans
Two aquatic mammals just broke up. They wanted to sea otter people.
What do chefs do when they are cooking in an emergency? They take drastic measures.
"Help! Someone has been killed at the dance!" Ok, well calm down. We don't want any panic at the disco.
Female dogs... Today a female dog tried to talk and play with my dog. He couldn't muster the courage to talk to her.. He didn't have the balls to do it.
Totally Original Joke What do you get when you cross a bulldog and a maltese shih tzu? An abortion.
Boyfriend and girlfriend were watching porn. Girlfriend: Did you see that! It's so disgusting! Boyfriend: What? Girlfriend: Sofa and curtains DON'T MATCH!!!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But then I turned myself around
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?!"
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.
I'm very patient in the way that I can last 45 minutes trying to fix something before I have to pound the shit out of it with a hammer.
What do you call a rock climbing cow? A high steak situation
My car is so shitty, one time I fixed it with a coat hanger. Goes to show that those things can BRING life too.
left my laptop bag at a restaurant last night and today i went to pick it up and the lady asked what was inside to verify that it's mine,
Whats the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies? My dick.
Was surprised when my son came out the closet yesterday... I didn't think he could break through that lock.
I know they're bad but ya wanna know why I love dead baby jokes? They never get old.
When someone says "It is what it is," I reply, "Isn't it?" so we can both sound useless.
What is DJ Khaled's Favorite Number? 11 because it has another one
7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute? Me: You got a warrant?
[Trump speaking at rally] I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old  ugly and poor man? A: Stupid!
How many bad joke tellers does it take to screw up a - wait, shit.
What did Dave Grohl say when he accidentally dropped his sandwich? "There goes my hero"
I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..
I'll always be here for you.... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I'll be over there for you.
What's the difference between a spitter and a swallower? 10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Teacher: What comes after 69? Student: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out.
My grandma is very conservative. It would break her heart if she knew I was bi -partisan.
Chimney Sweep Lady chimneysweep is a real fluesie
My girlfriend turned to me and said "Dave, I think we've come to the end of the road." "Why?" I said, shocked. "We're in a river."
God said come forth a receive eternal life... but John came fifth and won a toaster.
Men simply like to adjust their junk, it's not pocket science.
How do you make a plumber cry? You murder his family.
Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files? Adobe Wan Kenobi
We're probably less than 20 years away from the first president to wear skinny jeans.
There has been a multiple thefts of rubber bands in our office... I guess you can say we have a Rubber Bandit
What is a grasshopper? An insect on a pogo stick.
Hey Reddit, what are your favorite lame jokes? "Wanna hear a pizza joke?" "Nevermind, it's too cheesy."
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt: "You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?" Kid: Nevermind "Yeah, me, too."
HEY YOU! If you hadn't clicked this link you would be reading something else right now.
Why do Soviets use lowercase letters? Because they don't understand CAPitalism
My biggest fears are: -running out of chocolate -running out of coffee -running out of toilet paper -running
How do you make the spying NSA frustrated?
Two scientists walk into a bar... ...The first one says: "I'll have some H2O" The second one says: "I'll have some water too" The first scientist got angry because his assassination attempt failed.
me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life wife: no, the rest of yours
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
You know what they say about not arguing with stupid... People on the outside might not be able to tell the difference, so go ahead and delete all your liberal friends on facebook.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember-- oh wait no that's a Cheeto.
[barber shop] BARBER: what can we do for you today? MEDUSA: well.. [removes hat] BARBER: MEDUSA: BARBER: so do you want more or less snakes?
I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they're always wrong about everything.
Whats a pirates favourite letter??? Youd think itd be rrrrr but tis the sea.
Just asked someone for their date of birth for a work insurance thing & it was 4/20/69 & I just went dead silent for at least 20 seconds
What did the website say to the Google bot after their breakup? I knew you'd come crawling back to me someday.
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.......
What not to ask a gynecologist when seeking dating advice. What do you look for in a woman?
What is the farmers favorite way to greet someone? "Hay!"
*Holds an old lady's hand as I help her across the street* don't worry ma'am i'm sure the doctors can sew it back on
Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 3) Turning water to wine 2) Raising Lazarus 1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
We're going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out. And Facebook is going to pay for it. Make Twitter Great Again.
Q: What happens when two oxen bump into each other? A: You have an oxident.
One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God who changes the water?"
The thing about.... What's the hardest thing about being a being a pedophile nowadays? Too many damn sexy 9 year olds.
"And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?" asks mother. "Come on mom, the most important thing is that I'm healthy!"
What do you call a black man flying a plane? Pilot. You racist fuck.
That whole "letting go" of your ex is always more satisfying when they're dangling over an abyss.
the grocery store guy left the eggplant out of the bag because he must have known i was gonna eat it on the drive home
What did the motivational speaker say to the duct? You conduit!
Human Beings get rich as they grow old Silver in Hair; Gold in Teeth; Sugar in Blood; Precious Stones in Kidneys; . And a never ending supply of Gas!
Bill Clinton is so exited about the possibility of being in the White house again, He too has started wearing a hat on the campaign trail. It says : Make America fellate again.
Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors?  Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."
Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
Hey girl, are you into fitness? Well how about fitness cock in your mouth?
WHAT'S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?
You know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.
What do you call a Zen master from eastern Europe who's been bugging you all day? A Buddha Pest.
At my 16th birthday party, 1 guy came as a bunch of balloons, another as an untouched table of snacks & another came as an empty church hall
I lost my favorite ash tray. Child Protective Services took him.
Why are birds always short on cash? Because they have bills.
Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo. Do not worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.
Every Woman has a V, What am I? I start with a "v" and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? I'll post the answer in 10 minutes.
Agnostics have commitment issues.
What did the candle say when he was down on his luck? I'm at wick's end.
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a  Windows box crashed... Oh wait a minute he already does.
Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet They could spend years at Sea!
Two deer hunters walk into a bar. The third one, ducks.
Q. Why do bakers work so hard? A. Because they  need the dough
Ask me if I'm a truck.
Why can't an Asian couple have a white child? Because two Wongs don't make a white.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check
I like my porn just how I like my search history Disabled. EDIT: First post and front page. Woohoo!
My grandfather gave me some sound advice when on his deathbed... "It's worth investing in good speakers." he said.
How come you never get into a fart contest with a girls? They have double barrels. Probably a repeat, but my brother in law hadn't heard it so I figured I would post it.
Held A door open for an Asian man today he said "sank you"... He better not be referring to pearl harbor..
My girlfriend said if this gets 200 votes, we'll try anal. Just kidding, I don't even have a girlfriend.
Did you know? If you took a man's small intestine and stretched it all the way out from end to end, you would go to jail.
"Are you crying .?" "No, my eyes are sweating -_____-" #ITTS
There's a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I'm unsure how to proceed.
If pro is the opposite of con... What's the opposite of progress?
Why did the banjo player get into heaven? The devil has standards.
In the English language, "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Unless you are at a funeral.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? ISIS. Definitely ISIS.
Early to Bed and Early to Rise proves that . The Person has no Internet Connection...;-p
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That's what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
a Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother
How did Jesus feel when He was crucified by the jews? He was very cross with them!
If your girlfriend bleeds the first time you have sex with her, tell her to get used to it. In a few years time, she'll bleed every month. ohhh shit. facial.
Why are LED's a good investment? Because they always diode.
If someone on your bus says "my butthole is 28", what do you think that means, exactly?
Two Helium Atoms Are Bonding. HeHe
(NSFW) What do you call an infected vagina? A pussy pussy.
"Hey Ernie do you want some ice cream?" "Sherbet."
I think my roommate might be gay... His dick tastes like shit.
*jesus turns water to wine* me: you can't just insert goods into an economy you'll cause deflation Jesus: my child- me: NO! it's bullshit!
I'm an insomniac, and I fucking hate it... My friends sleep like a log and they love it, but when I try I have nightmares about lumberjacks.
I just ate a watch... ... It was time consuming. I'm thinking of going for seconds.
Is it wrong to follow people just because they're hot? Also, what about on Twitter?
When Sarah Jessica Parker got married She must have had one hell of a bridle shower.
What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.
Is it just me, or are there other people?
They gave me some cake but it was way too basic and burned my mouth. Turns out the cake was a lye. ^^^^^^sorry
It's going to be so good when I finally make a tweet that lampoons society so much that everyone just changes their ways and smartens up.
Worst Business Idea Ever Biodegradable Bricks
Man to wife: Business is bad, if YOU learn TO cook we can remove servant. Wife: If YOU learn how to fuck we can remove driver, gardener &amp; watchman...
And then Satan whispered, hey let's put the alphabet in math
Why did F'' (F double prime) have to go to the dentist? It had concavities...
It was such a hard core lesbian bar... even the pool table didn't have balls.
How does a designer's laugh sound like? Hue Hue Hue Hue
Cemeteries are some of the most popular clubs in the world... ...I mean, people are literally *dying* to get in.
Noah wasn't much for civilized society . . . You could say he was an-arc-ist.
You're the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.
Yo mama so fat she has more chins than a  chinese phone book
Knock knock Who's there. Nobody. Nobody who.  (And so concludes this joke from my 3yr old. We think it's pretty good.)
I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.
Every Dildo sold in North Korea. Is a Kim Jong IL Do.
Can a ninja throw any pointy object with lethal accuracy ? Shuriken
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I would never let my kids go see an orchestra... Too much sax and violins.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed? Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don't laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
What's your favorite game if you wear a turban? Hide-and-Sikh
Q: What do ghosts like to chew? A: Boobble gum.
Did you hear about the woman who had a face transplant... They had to use human foreskin for her eyelids. She's going to be a little cock'eyed for the rest of her life.
A scientist who studies Adam's apples is called a guyneckologist.
Your mama so stupid that..... Your mama so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground and missed
My girlfriend's daughter was laying across my legs. Me: What am I a pillow now? Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding.
Internet Explorer is the best browser... to download another browser.
Ladies, if your man says he'll fix it, he will. There's no reason to remind him every 6 months.
Never make fun of an overweight person with a lisp. They're probably thick and tired of it.
What does the emperor have when he goes for a sunday drive? he has Divine Right of way
Why do sharks live in saltwater? Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.
Sex is a misdemeanor.. De more I miss, de meanor I get.
What's a gay couples least favorite fruit? Cantaloupe.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A fish...
My wife likes to talk after sex She calls me from the motel
I'm rubber, you're glue. We are both very handy and have a variety of practical uses.
I've been saying I'll sleep when I'm dead for so long, I'm starting to really look forward to dying.
I would tell you a leech joke. . . But it would suck anyway
Why do hummingbirds hum? They don't know the words.
Today I quit smoking cold turkey Turns out hot turkey is much better for smoking.
Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They take all the green cards.
Lotta dudes in this coffee shop looking poignant.
I once dated a midget... I was nuts over her
Never refer to a woman as a bitch. Instead, refer to her as beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful.
What do you call a well-endowed member of Hitler's master race? Hungaryan.
Today, I had two religious people for dinner. That makes me an "ate-theist".
How do Jedis close their programs on a Mac? They use Force quit.
welcome to hipster church. this is my body *bites vegan cookie* this is my blood *sips garage-brewed IPA*
I'm not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.
How is being a pimp like being a farmer? You get some hoes and they get dough for you.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
What do you call a group of kids? ..... a migraine
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hunchback Barbie ...pull the string and she cries "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"
Why are there many black people hanging around my family tree? because im a black man you racist
If someone holds eye contact with you for longer than 3 seconds, make sure you urinate to establish dominance
A guy won the lottery and bought a lot of weed, His name was Jack. He became known as Jack-pot.
So my sister attempted to commit suicide the other day and it made me so angry. I couldn't believe one of my own family members would fail at something like that.
What's the difference between a lesbian and a straight girl? Four drinks.
I've read all of Charles Dickens's novels except one. I don't have *Great Expectations*.
National no bra day wasn't as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Why have the Chinese not got telephone directories? There's so many Wing's and Wong's they might wing the wong number.
Why shouldn't girls wear duck pants You can see their quack
*Neighbor text - Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you're not at home* *Shoots Wife* *Neighbor text again - I mean 'Wifi' not wife*
Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?
Never been able to throw a frisbee too well, but I make up for it by having a huge dong & a really positive attitude
What do you call a Mexican with small muscles? No whey Jose.
People are like songs.... some speak the truth and some just make sound.
*limbos away from your hug*
How much hummus did the anorexic Arab eat? A tahini bit!
Surgeon: I'll be taking out your appendix today Me: [stomach rumbles] Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy] Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
I'd like to tell you I can keep you safe Son but lets be realistic here, we're dealing with a closet that has a God damn monster in it.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
how can you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke Wednesday.
Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper?  He had his own frog-horn.
A King taught his son how to use the toilet today. Now they call him Prince Charmin.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple  can't do? It can look round.
What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water? Its gonna take a while to get me hard, I just got laid by some chick.
What do you call a social networking site for women who love to masturbate? cunterest
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek God... I informed him Buddha was not Greek.
An average teenage boy nowadays has seen more naked women than all of their ancestors put together.
PUMP UP THE JAM! PUMP UP THE JAM! --- supervisor at the Smucker's factory.
Did you know the anthem of the USA is about a Mexican immigrant? The first line is even about how he got in illegally at night: "Jose can you see, by the dawn's early light..."
My name is Joseph King. Nah, just JoeKing.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Condoms aren't as safe as they make them out to be... My friend was wearing one when he got hit by a truck. He's not doing too well...
Dr Steve Brule on Jokes Knock Knock "Who's there?" "Your friend" "But I don't have any friends". That's a comedy joke by Dringus and Djrumgo Comedy team.
Did you hear about the new Clinton computer? It has 6 inches of RAM and no memory!
What's the difference between a mongoloid fuck and a fuck? Genghis kahn
The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won't stop calling me as if that's going to help me rest.
Whats the difference between fridge and a 14 year old boy? The Fridge dosen't cry when you put the meat in
Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt has found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts they believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher
I saw a Trump supporter getting jumped by 6 guys yesterday, I knew I had to do something. So I jumped in. He had no chance against 7 of us.
"My dad was a huge feminist..." "What about your mom?" "No, no. Dad wouldn't allow that."
Why do nuns never wear a bra? God supports everything.
I met this really hot Geologist today. She had quite a Gneiss ass.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I'm flirting.
[OC]What do you call a shrunken walrus? A smallrus.
So we've all heard the "7, 8, 9 joke" before.... Well then why was 2 sad? Because it went 1-3! (I'm sorry)
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line!
I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.
Spoiler alert: 2013 sucks too.
Molestation isn't funny! Seriously it's a touchy subject.
With Michael Phelps, Sarah Palin, and Glenn Beck here in Charlotte this week, my status as smartest guy in the room just rose exponentially.
Never understood Monopoly. It's like saying, "Hey we're stressed out about real $, so let's play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.
[at Doctor's office] "When's the last time you had sex?" Last night. "With a male or female?" Oh...with another person?
What birds spend all their time on their knees ?  Birds of prey !
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
When I was about 14/15 I wanted to be a plumber, then I wanted to be a firefighter, then pizza delivery man,then I stopped watching porn.
What's the difference between CrossFit and a cult? A torn ACL
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said "Sorry. My fault"
Whats better than winning a medal at the paralympics? A pair of legs.
What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible IV. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone's gaydar.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I use profanity freely because it doesn't seem right to charge you (ya cunt!)
School is like a boner, long and hard. Unless you're Asian.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat under a buck.
What do you call a gang of penguins? A ganguin
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
You know what they say about wizards with big hands? The have big staffs
What is the most common owl in England? Tea-towl
hey don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl's "I haven't finished but I know you're about to, so I'll try to be supportive" moan.
Hearthstone's TGT Decks are live! Log In and Play!
Did you hear the tragic news about Robin Williams? He's considering a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool? 3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree. Me: ok.
What does Santa listen to while delivering presents? sleigh-er
What is the most painful Russian dance? Tchaikovsky's *The Nutcracker*.
The only thing I learned in college is that I'm stupid.
[supermarket] *Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area* CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend. ME: Oh, OK. *slowly repacks trolley*
Repost: 9/10 doctors recommend water over soda 1/10 doctors live in flint Michigan
the series finale of Game of Thrones will be the camera pulling back & revealing it was a snowglobe and the owner is watching sports instead
If they grew up in the same house and shared a pet, siblings have the same porn name and I think that's just SICK.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We're being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
The difference What is the difference between a portuguese woman and a sea lion ? One of them has shiny bodyhair and smells like cod, the other one is a mammal that lives in the sea.
Wanna hear a joke about ebola? You won't get it.
Me: Dad, How did you guys manage without Whatsapp &amp; Facebook? My Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
A snake walks into a bar... "I didn't know snakes could walk" said the bartender
I just saw the most beautiful girl, but she was wearing those huge sunglasses so there is still a chance she's a 1200 pound rhinoceros.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I was going to buy some classical music CDs... But I was too baroque.
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Don't know. Its never been done before.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
So sweet how people try to mask their crippling insecurities with bitchiness instead of alcohol like normal people.
I hate jokes about disabled people They can't even stand up for themselves
Facebook  Faithful on your wall, but cheating in your inbox.
What do you call a bird that believes in the change in the basic assumptions, or paradigms, within the ruling theory of science? A *parrot*-digm shift.
Best part of Donald Trump giving you a hand job. His little hands make your dick look bigger.
As a kid i looked up to Bill Nye the science guy, but as of today after learning about him i will probably look down on him. And people at my level would agree. I'm 6'3 and he is 6 feet tall.
Two muffins are in the oven. . . One turns to the other and says "its a bit hot in here", the other screams "ahhh! a talking muffin"
Resistance is not futile... It's voltage divided by current.
When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.
Nick Jonas is popular again... I bet Kevin and Joe Jonas are Jealous
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I'll be a very wealthy man.
To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .
I never really understood porn. I mean what does she really see in him? I doubt he even loves her.
Has anyone's leg ever become pregnant with puppies?
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard? Pillow fight.
Today, my girlfriend said she's dumping me for some geometric drawings Figures.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because all of their runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the United States.
I need a new car.. The one I have keeps taking me to work.
What do you call a star-spangled pubic wig? A'merkin
What has four wheels and flies ? A rubbish bin !
3 white girls go to a hotel . whats it called the " i can't eve inn
Did you know Donald Trump only had two moods? Pissed off and pissed on.
I just told the girl I've been seeing for 2 years how I've felt about her. she's a bitch
I think sitting on an airplane is the most exhausting type of sitting.
What did the man who ate a clock say? That was time consuming but I still want seconds.
Literally no one wants to be on the phone with you less than the lady who answers the phone at a Chinese restaurant.
Him: You're not like other girls Me: [foghorn sound]
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. They can't change anything.
4-year-old: What's that? Me: A vegetable you won't like. If you don't tell Mom, I'll take it from you. *eats her bacon*
There are only 2 kinds of Priest: There are the ones who masturbate and Liars.
Someone accused my dad of stealing from his job in the roads department... ...I thought it was nothing to worry about but when I got home the signs were everywhere.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck-up bitches
I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Understanding women isn't rocket science. Rocket science has rules and boundaries.
Did you blow Bubbles when you were a kid? well he is back in town, wants you to hook up.
UR MOMA IS SO HAIRY THAT HARRY POTTER GOT JEALOUS.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said 'resilient tortoise.' I've sent her in with one to give in return, 'patronizing hippo.'
What do you call an arabian cop? Sher-if
I asked my blonde girlfriend to shave her pussy for me I didn't realize Calico's were that skinny.
I forgot the word "torch" earlier today so I googled "fire on a stick." I have two degrees in English.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? "R?" "Aye, ye would think so but 'tis the C he loves!"
Confucius say 7 days of honeymoon make one whole week.
What is green and if you press a button its red? A frog in a mixer.
When you really think about it... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
What do you call it when a stripper works for free? Pro Boner.
Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar? Waiter: This is sugar. *GB stands pissed* GB: THIS..IS...SPLENDA!! *GB kicks waiter through glass panel*
Romantic first date idea: get too nervous beforehand and drive your car into a river
What do you call a persnickety con artist walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
I think when shit hits the fan you really should rethink why and where you have that fan.
What do you call a stupid, yellow cow? A Moo-tarde !
I thought the dryer shrank my clothes.. turns out it was the refrigerator
How do bored cows sound like? Meh
I'd just like to say I called Katy Perry's popularity the first time I saw the "I Kissed a Girl" music video. Also, I am tone deaf.
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him.
[in the ambulance] Paramedic: what's your blood type? Me: whatever. I'm not fussy
I got a text! I hope it's from....... OH MY GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE
A man walks into a bar and says... Ouch
"class... raise your hand if you know what "getting laid" means" *room of 4th graders is silent* *kid with heelys raises hand*
That Indian food was tasteless, nothing special at all... It was quite daal.
Mom: Why don't you talk to your friend Richard anymore? You used to be best friends. Son: I don't know mom, he's kinda a dick.
"I wasn't born yesterday" - Lying newborn baby
It's called a "remote" because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Hark work never killed anybody But why take the risk.
How do Alabama parents teach their kids to put on their underwear? Yellow in the front, brown in the back.
I won the drowning competition. Wanna know my secret? Well, don't hold your breath!
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I named my daughter Dagstorp after where she was conceived (Ikea sofa)
What does Shrek say when he wins a game of chess? Shrekmate.
What does a woman do with her asshole when she's having sex? She sends him out to play golf.
Do you want to hear a dirty joke? A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud.
How does Justin Beiber remove a condom? He farts.
"Last Christmas" is a strange song. It's been 12 months and we're just now addressing this situation?
[on phone with mom] SHE SAID YES!!!! "congrats, son" I asked her if she thought I was weird "Wait what?" She thinks I'm weird. We broke up
[house hunting] Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding* GOT ONE! Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword* GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian? A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.
What do you call a rare Egyptian King? King Nottocommon
A kid asked his father why he was giving the weird name Potedad. The dad said it was an anagram.
Things that are dangerous- -riding a motorcycle -sharks -riding sharks
*Bursts into bank* Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Bank clerk: No that's clearly a shotgun 2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
So a baby seal walks into a club
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol' days.
Jokes What is Mario's favorite fruit
It costs $6 to visit Karl Marx's grave. Google it.
My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke... She has such soft hands...
A Weed Whacker is not as sexy as it sounds
I figured why people make the same noises when they are carrying something and having sex They are both carrying a load.
They say the more you drink the higher your tolerance is, but that's bullshit because my friend's an alcoholic & he still hates gays.
[META] /r/germanhumour For all fans of [German humour](/r/germanhumour).
What should a teacher take if he's run down? The number of the car that hit him.
I bet hipsters love Mondays just to be ironic, but mostly because they're unemployed.
What do you call a train that has a tobacco addiction? A chew-chew train.
My street looks like a garbage dump... ...litter ally!
Hey Dora the Explorer, stop talking to me like I'm a FUCKING RETARD!
I think I might be a genius! My nephew has a 12 piece jigsaw puzzle that says 3-5 years on the box and I managed to complete it in just 7 hours!
What does the aardvark take sailing? An aard ark!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.
What do you call a boring taco? Aburrido.
How do lesbian carpenters work? No studs. All tongue in groove.
Never lie! Said Mommy to little Timmy and handed him over to Santa.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Why does Dr Pepper... Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife died a year ago.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it
What's the difference between Paul walker and my PC? I give a shit when my PC crashes.
If Trump is elected president... He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.
no homo but imagine sleeping with a grizzly bear and being the little spoon..shit would be 100x better than a snuggie
A nurse pulls out a thermometer out of her pocket and says: Shit.....some asshole has got my pen!
How do you call a lesbian dinosaur Lickalotopus
I like my girls like I like my drinks... Virgins
A team of computer scientists just announced their discovery of the new largest prime number. Apparently it's 5x larger than the last one!
honk if it's easier 2 love strangers than the ppl closest 2 u
"Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun" *drops string cheese* "This hole is no cause for alarm" *picks up string cheese*
My husband told me I had to choose between him and the cats. I miss him sometimes.
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. "Oy Abraham I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse".  "Ssh!" hisses the other "It's not till next week".
A Muslim walks into a bar He then walks out because he can't drink and there are no tight little boys to fuck
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way -- unique up on him.
who said math is the universal language? hey, numbers-- speak english!
Snoop Dogg repackaged himself as Snoop Lion, and then went on to become Snoop Carrot, The first rapper who is also a raw carrot
Q: What weapon is most feared by knights? A: A can opener.
My girlfriend's car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Woman and her Cat What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat? Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?  Gifted!
How do you spell Canada in Canadian? C, eh! N, eh!, D, eh!
If you men have your Movember, then us ladies should have our own.. Vajanuary.
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he needed a poo. (As in, kneaded a poo.)
What's the difference between a black man and batman? Batman can go a day without robin.
What options does an abortionist have to get ashore? Row vs. Wade
Bruce Willis is at IKEA when a toilet plunger falls off a shelf and sticks to his head. he doesn't notice until the following day
You think I'm not online. But, I'm always here. Even if I'm not posting. I'm here. Scrolling...Judging.
Build a barricade?! Crap, I thought you said build a bear arcade. Those bears are gonna be pissed when I tell them no more Cruis'n USA.
Diarrhea is hereditary.. It runs in your jeans.
I used an emoticon with a nose once. It was stupid and embarrassing. I wouldn't recommend it.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
What do you say to a thin American? How's the chemotherapy going?
I have a knock knock joke. You start.
I was going to consider brief units of time but now I'm having second thoughts.
Why did Toronto host the (hockey) World Junior Championships? They wanted to see what a winning team looked like.
How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan
What kind of wine do bears drink? Maulbec
Octopus have 3 hearts, what has 13 hearts and no organs? A deck of playing cards.
I thought of pick up line that only works on mexicans. Are you Mexican? Because I wanna get jalapeno.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora MORA: Aloha, Harry
Wife was talking for a while so I pulled out my iPod & played her off award show style. This did not go over as well as I hoped.
It's getting colder and colder outside, and my wife does nothing but looks through the window. If it goes on like this any longer, I think I will have to let her in.
What does a little sister ride? A Nissan.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Why was the ghost uneducated? He was too ghoul for school
There once was a girl from Nantucket... Who carried her ice in a bucket. She walked down a hill. She had a great spill. And when she got up, she said, "I'm going to watch my step next time!"
What replaces Steam, the gaming platform, in China? Pollution.
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You told her twice already... 
The perennially hyped name "Super Moon" insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Why should you always finish telling your jokes to David Carradine? He doesn't like to be left hanging.
What's faster than a black guy running with a stolen T.V.? His brother with the DVR
What is Donald Trump's Favorite Sport? *Deportes*
What kind of wig can hear ? An earwig !
Came home to find my refrigerator full of water It was full of leeks.
What's green and yellow and eats nuts? Gonnorhea
Oh you have morals? You must be new here.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can't alcohol be called cereal drink?
What do you call a fly when it retires? A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No? Alright.. I'll see myself out.
My grief counselor died last week. Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit
Another Halloween joke. A skeleton walks into a bar... He orders a beer, and a mop.
Where would you find an Egyptian psychopathic swimmer? In denial.
What's the best part about living in a black family? You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost
Tarzan's Marriage Why didn't Tarzan and Jane manage to save their marriage? Because Tarzan was swingin' from three to three.
I'd say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we're not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
A skelleton goes to the bar and says "Can I have a pint and a mop..."
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
What do you call a female mushroom who happens to be a killjoy? antifungal
How school works: In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
What did one sandstorm at a nude beach say to the other? Haboob
I've come to realize my job, building glass work tops, is clearly counter productive.
How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass? Attractive
What is Minecraft? It's Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting. Officially the title is Mein Kraft but, the kids like this spelling more.
Cashier: how old r u? Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21 Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I keep making jokes about SpaceX But none of them seem to land.
Bill Cosby played running back at Temple University. They were a real sleeper this season finishing 10-3.
A man was afraid to go into Kohl's at the local strip mall because according to the sign: Kohls Staples Dicks
What is a dog's favourite sport ? Formula 1 drooling !
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and a bottle of scotch? (OC) A bottle of scotch can keep beyond 27 years.
My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really. She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.
Your dog is better than your wife. Don't believe me? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and then see who's happy when you open it.
You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.
What does DNA stand for National Dyslexia Association.
Congratulations, Mr. Trump You'll be the first president to declare bankruptcy on the country.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.
Police: Cover me Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I hate pedophiles. Those guys are fucking immature assholes.
Two protons walk into a black hole...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt... The bartender asks: "What the hell is a steering wheel doing there?" the pirate replies: "Arr, it's been driving me nuts"
What do you get if you combine your mom and a giraffe? A fat giraffe
Why does a giraffe have a long neck? Cause its feet smell.
OMG, he's almost here. How's my hair? My clothes? How do I look? (knock, knock) He's here!!!! I'm so excited! *My pizza delivery guy.
Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies
First date *dont let him know you been stalking him Him- so my brother just got deployed Me: Josh or Brian?
Why do Jews have big noses? Because the air is free.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads
Why did the rabbit go to rehab? He was hopped up on easter eggs.
So I ask my local librarian... If she had books on Pavlovs dog and Schrodingers cat. She said they rang a bell but dont know if they are there or not.
[sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."
I could be the next American Idol!! If they could just let me bring my shower on stage...
Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
Time to get in my wheel box to go to my work box so I can pay for my home box until I'm ready for my death box.
Its thanksgiving, and I am thankful for my dog, my boobies, and my life. Happy thanksgiving to you and your boobies.
Why can't the motorcycle get up on its own? It's two tired.
No one is more productive than a guy who's been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC? One has a job.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
The people on the internet are so friendly.... One guy called me bro, and he even said my story was cool.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son's dating a scientologist
The best thing about Twitter & Instagram is that every girl finally gets to be a princess, or a _princess, or even a prin_cess.
I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.
If you were locked in a room with Trump and Clinton And it was just you, them, and a pistol with one bullet... Which one would you shoot and which would you bludgeon to death with the pistol?
Why is Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven is a super creepy movie.
What's the difference between Jesus and a framed picture of Jesus? You only need one nail for the frame
The Doctor said I should stop with all this phone sex. He said I might get hearing aids.
"Say no to Lindsay Lohan." - drugs.
Why do black people always have nightmares? Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
How did the sheep get a Nobel Prize? It was out standing in its field!
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That shit's totally different.
There was a kidnapping at school today... But don't worry, he woke up
Minimalism... It's the least you can do.
Woman of my dreams I don't sleep so I can't find her!
I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.
Roses are red Violets are blue Meet me in bed To learn something new Pfff....poetry is easy
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR ????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR ????LET THE BODIES HIT THE- "Carl, you're fired. You're a horrible mortician."
Why are there only 49 entrants in the Ms. Black USA competition? Nobody wants to be I-da-ho.
Ate a burger while reading about the worst burgers in America. Now I'm gonna read about the decline of society while I tweet.
What can an Elephant make that no other animal can make? Baby elephants.
Why does fluoride cause apathy? Who cares.
What did the Pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey
WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.
What did the fat pig say when the farmer  dumped corn mash into the trough? "I'm afraid that's all going to waist."
Why can't female medical examiners have kids? Because nobody puts baby in a coroner. Hey, at least it was original, again I will see myself out.
What could have been the most stuppidest result of Napolleonic wars if France won? Tsar Napoleon.
What's sadder than a dying puppy? A black child on father's day
9/11 jokes are just plane wrong
Who would you ask for advice about a lion? a lion or a gerbil? The lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions.
What's the difference between a baby and an ounce of Coke? Eric Clapton would never drop an ounce of Coke out of a window
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got  pregnant for the second time? A: She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.
There are 10 types of people in this world... People who understand binary, and people who don't.
What's the best part about sex with a 5 year old? Watching them break down on the witness stand.
If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas.
Why did the sperm cross the road Because I put the wrong sock on this morning
Don't you hate it when sentences don't end the way you think they octopus?
I say "post-9/11" for literally anything that happened in the last 14 years. Madagascar 2 is so post-9/11. Dr Pepper Ten is a post-9/11 soda
*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?" "How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?" "Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"
A pirate walks into a bar The bartender says "Hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants." "Aye," the pirate replies. "It's drivin' me nuts!"
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything
I went to the doctors this morning as I had a strawberry growing from my ear. He gave me some cream for it.
What's the difference between Ann Coulter and shooting arrows at lovers? Shooting arrows at lovers is a Cupid stunt.
Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account. Please don't mix it up like last year.
I had an hour to kill so I watched the last two minutes of a basketball game today
Why did the chicken go around the world? Because his name was Marco Pollo..
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. I always use this joke when going to Dr's, or any medical situation. It never fails to get a great laugh.
I wonder what those old comedians who made livings cracking wise about airline food are doing now that there's no such thing.
My favorite one-liner Two women sat down quietly.
Why do black people have white palms? Because there's a little good in everyone!
13yo Jesus: You're not my real dad! I HATE YOU! Joseph: One of these days boy, I'll [distant thunder] I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My friend's teacher everyone : Help me please! There's a little plane on my phone and I can't call! Should I call the pilot for him to delete it?
Call me crazy but you can't follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.
I slept like a baby last night. I pooped my pants and cried myself to sleep.
So a neutron walks into a bar... ...he goes up to the bartender and asks how much a drink is. The bartender replies saying: "For you? No charge."
I hate when people say that I don't like black people I love black people if I could I wold buy myself a few (I'm not a racist in real life though)
What's the biggest similarity between a bottle of Draino and a Danish stripper? They both slowly remove clogs. ^^They're ^^also ^^both ^^in ^^a ^^barrel ^^in ^^my ^^garage.
I'm sick of my mate Adam. He walks round like he's gods gift to women.
So is Bill Cosby a major disappointment? No, he's just off-pudding
It would be really nice if everything was coffee.
Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid's nose is from allergies or not. His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.
What did little Jonny have to say on the topic of meteorites? No comet.
Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner? He was exceeding the feed limit!
People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Was there a good turnout at the Bernie Sanders rally? There were a lot of people, but I wouldn't say it was super pac'd.
Domestic violence jokes are in bad taste. They hit too close to home.
Subreddit for 6 year old Korean jokes... enjoy! www.reddit.com/r/6yearoldkoreanjokes
There's nothing wrong with naming your son Marco.... Until you lose him at the park one day.
I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
Amelia Earfart was the first woman to transatlantic fart around the world. it was silent but deadly. i love you.
The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I'm in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.
I'M RAGING AGAINST THE MACHINE! Okay, I'm just frustrated with this copier, but I sighed pretty loud, so I think it knows how I feel!
So my dog's pregnant & she's never been in contact with another dog & I'm having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I'm working just because I came to work today.
While vacationing in Turkey a second time, I couldn't keep the Arabicnames straight, but I saw many familiar fezzes.
My biggest fear is that someone will say "Git-R-Dun" while I'm holding my child. Because I will instinctively swing my baby at their face.
Pizza Joke If you slice up a large pizza, that's no big deal. But if you slice up a medium, you can get jail time. And she should have seen it coming.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.
I made a joke: What is a fruit bun's favourite subject in a Pub Quiz? What is a fruit bun's favourite subject in a Pub Quiz? Currant affairs.
I came up with this when I was three years old. What do you call an egg that's scared? A chicken egg.
Sent a tweet with a typo. Deleted it and now I'm gonna be bummed about until mid June.
Teacher: "Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?" Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"
3 Jews walk into a bar... Just kidding it was a gas chamber
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I've killed, I don't say, "in RuneScape."
I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit.
Sometimes at the airport I'll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say "nice, me too"
When Snoop Dogg proposed He got down on bended knee, opened up a box with a ring in it and said: "Marriage. Wanna?"
Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton are stranded on a boat in the middle of the ocean... Who survives? America.
America's oldest lady was 115 years old today and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head. How come? She's completely bald.
Did you hear about the horny squirrel? he was fucking nuts
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that's why I dropped it.
I'm going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My mom likes to play this game called "yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can't hear her".
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar he orders a drink and walks to chuck-E-cheese
Why did OP get fired from his job as a mailman? He never delivered.
If you really think about it. Its kind of weird "yoga pants" are worn so much. That's like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries
How do Chinese pick a name for their newborn? They kick a Can
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If I ever have a son, I'm going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as "This is SPARTA!!!"
What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees? All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite...
What do you throw on stage at a mouse strip club? Kraft Singles.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field. Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing 2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
"This is embarrassing, but would you believe we actually met offline?" - married couples in 5 years
Stephen Hawking is going to hell... ... because there's only a stairway to heaven.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.
If Donald Trump becomes president.. If Donald Trump becomes president of an Island population of only himself, there will still be anarchy.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows He calls it a rarecrow
I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I'm having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.
Oh, you said floppy DISK. *pulls pants back up* Yeah, I don't know what that is.
How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day? F5.
Black person: Jeans $200, Shirt $100, Shoes $160, pockets.. $0 White Person: Jeans $15, Shirt $20, Shoes $30, pockets $5,000
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? *Attire.*
Why are Soviets so bad with the ladies? They're always Russian the fuckin' and Stalin the lovin' hehehe
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I've never laughed so hard...
If you're gonna write a 300 word Instagram description for your photo, go ahead & throw a murder confession in there. Nobody will ever know.
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bail Credit goes to my friendly local pizza guy
Little sister to brother in bed: "Hey, you are better at this than Daddy." "Yes, Mummy says so too!"
Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage? Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns. Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.
Why was the mathematician detained at the airport? Because he planned to blow up a plane.
Drinking wine & throwing away photos of my ex. This is how Lifetime movies start.
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn't yarn before.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired? She didn't have control of her pupils
What did Anakin order from the Italian bakery? Only one cannoli.
Q: What's the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde?  A: When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal detector.
How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb? It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.
You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south? Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.
I hate going to the dentist, he is always like "did you eat Oreos before you came in?" and "you are still eating Oreos, I can see you"
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word "average" is between easy and hard.
I always play it safe during sex. I cut the telephone chord.
TIFU by posting in the wrong subreddit.
Alcohol doesn't cause hangovers....waking up does.
Losing my virginity was like being born again Naked, soaking wet, crying in the hands of my father...
What do you call gay paraplegics? Fruits and vegetables!
Apparently there's a voluntary organization trying to gain legal rights for apes. I guess you could say their work is Pro-Bonobo.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I told my dad I felt tired. "There's a nap for that."
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common? They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."
How does Harry Potter travel about? Walking -Jk Rolling
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training.
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
What happens when a role playing game has no nudity in it? Ubisoft
Why do the Kurds have no state of their own? They didn't get their whey.
Q: What kind of socks do you find in your backyard? A: Garden hose.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Megasoreass
I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem
I came up with an original word yesterday... ...plagiarism.
confucius say when you take old hooker to all you can eat seafood you walk away with a big bag of crabs
Boy: My love for you is like counting the stars.. Girl: Oww, Infinite? Boy: Nope, Pointless ..
That new movie called Erectile dysfunction What a flop.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before. I hope it was worth it.
How do you get three old ladies to say the "F" word? Yell "BINGO!"
Racism, white supremacy, xenophobia, sexism, misogyny, etc...these things aren't wrong. They're just alt-right.
So two men walked into a bar... The third one ducked.
What does a sperm and a politician have in common? They both have a one in 100 million chance of being human.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject. Do you believe in aliens ? If so , do they have genitals?
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have used aloha setting.
What do you do with a green monster? Put it in the sun until it ripens!
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark. Now I see the electric bills, and became afraid of the light.
A joke about a bird Eh, never mind. It would probably just go over your head.
It's really hard being a good mother in this day and age. Especially when you're a college aged male with no kids.
People got tired of my lactation joke I kept milking it.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
God put a perfect woman in every corner of the world. Then he made the earth round.
My girlfriend left me.... she said she was sick of my tree puns what a beech
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Asian Pregnancy Test: Insert Rubix cube into Vagina. Pull it out 30 seconds later. If its solved....... you are pregnant.
What is the vampire's favorite slogan?  Please Give Blood Generously.
Things I've learned on Twitter: 1. A Twitter Crush is not a soft drink 2. Naps rule 3. Pants are optional 4. Everybody hates Nickelback
You better watch out... ... 'cause I know Jiu Jitsu, Tae Kwon Do, Kung Fu, and about 12 other Chinese words!
Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses.
I saw an Apple store get robbed. I was an iWitness
I just flew back from Japan, and boy are my arms tired. I was masturbating to all the hentai I bought on the plane.
Why was the racehorse names Strawberry  Ice? He was a sherbet!
Why did the chicken cross the "net" ? It wanted to get to the other site !
What killed the Imgur front page? The Grim Reappost
Why did Mary fall off the swing?... ... Because she had no arms. Knock, knock! (Who's there?) Well, it ain't Mary.
What's the best way for a lady to read 50 Shades of Grey? To flick through it as fast as possible.
I stay up at night worrying about what happens to the unquestioned Jeopardy answers.
Inspecting mirrors.... ....is a job I can see myself doing.
The closest I've ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
Last night I lay in bed ...looking up at the beautiful stars shining in the night sky. And I thought to myself... Where the heck is the ceiling?!?
The victims of the Aurora movie theater shooting got really ripped off. They paid to watch the whole movie, but all they saw were a few clips.
Why did the blood-sucking bat hate the taste of blood? Because it was too irony.
So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories
What's large, grey and doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Spiders always act like they know some big secret but they don't know shit.
My resolution for the new year is... 1080p
Become a PhD After many years of studying at a university, I've finally become a PhD... or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French? Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum. But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.
Yo mama's so fat... That she was dropped on Hiroshima.
I'm back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
I guess you could say the situation in Gaza... Israeli bad. YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! i'll show myself out.
It's 80 degrees in San Francisco today. Girls are wearing skirts so short you can almost see their dicks.
I just bought a round of shots for everybody, but they're being totally ungrateful and saying they don't even have tetanus.
Beards eventually grow on you. Title
For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of gum? Chick clits.
I used to think my neighbors were racist but that thoughtful burning cross they put in my yard proved to be a great source of natural light.
"He's not sleeping with you cause you're fat and ugly, so lose some weight and do your make up like this." - Women's magazines, summarized.
How can you tell the inventor of the toothbrush was from West Virginia? If he was from anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.
"I'm so wet!" she screamed at me. "I'm so fucking wet!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Give it to me, now!" She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
Someone needs to open a bar called "The Gym". Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I'm always at the gym.
I'm going to name my dog "Syndrome". Whenever he jumps on someone, I can yell, "Down Syndrome!".
My penis is so polite... It stands up so girls have a place to sit down.
I went to Premature Ejaculators Anonymous but nobody was there. I guess I came too soon.
"Give it to me!" she yelled "Give it to me!" She yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella.
I once read the directions on the back of my shampoo bottle. It said to wash, rinse, and repeat. They found me passed out in the shower four days later.
Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it's not their fault that I'm scared of them. I do however, scream while doing so.
My doctor said I am self destructive That explains why I voted for Hillary Clinton
Have you ever had sex in the woods? Its fucking in tents!
If i had a pound for every 'Brexit' joke on here... I'd still only have about 5 cents.
99.9% of people are idiots Fortunately, I belong in the 1% of intelligent people
I had to stop breeding rabbits... I found it to be a hare raising experience.
How many indie bands does it take to change a light bulb? Eh, it's some number you've probably never heard of.
Never gonna invite Jesus for another bondage party Last time around, he forgot his safe word and we had to bury his sorry ass.
There are two kinds of people in this world... Those that can extrapolate from an incomplete statement,
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
What do a hand rolled cigarette and hippy sex have in common? [This](http://i.imgur.com/KRuRgF9.gif)
This motel room smells like despair. Or is that my deodorant? The tuna sandwich, maybe. This hooker? My jeans? I bet it's my jeans.
The bloke who invented the time machine has died. RIP Dave Jones. 1974  1746.
I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me. Hmm....
Did you hear about angle 57.29 He's rad
Patient And Doctor Joke Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
What do you call an older man who goes after young boys? Nittany Lions
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Australians don't have sex... ...they mate
"Bob's here" Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH *an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky* "Bob from work" *clouds recede*
Where does Dracula buy his pencils? Pennsylvania.
If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield.
What do you call a man with no arms? Anything you want. He is 'armless
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I'd like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Rick Perry was going to do the ALS ice bucket challenge But he couldn't remember the 3rd person he was going to challenge.
What's the difference between Ellen Pao and hitler? Hitler at least helped his people.
The city of North Hollywood keeps trying to get us to call them "NoHo." Does this mean I have to refer to Hollywood as "Ho?"
What do they say about Podiatrists? It's a really big feet to become one. ^Hehehehehe
Did you hear about the robbery at the bakery? The thieves said 'give me all your dough.'
Someone asked me how we usually view lesbians in this country. Apparently, "usually in HD" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?
What did one empty beer bottle say to the other? "I'm drunk."
Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, was quite skinny, and apparently had bad breath. That'd make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
I was checking out a Jewish girl the other day. Her barcode wouldn't scan.
Potato Chip are like car company they are very good at making air bags.
I'd rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Three. Two to complain about it and one to light an organic scented candle.
"It's a bird!" [Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy's face] S: Birds can't go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Sure, the BMW symbol kind of looks like a sphincter, but I could already tell by the way you were driving.
I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer
A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.
Which songs do planets sing? Neptunes.
I just yawned so loud, I think I called a boat in.
What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock? You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...
Fish don't like... to be told they smell like women either.
Really not sure why people tell me to "be honest" then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. *shrugs*
Hell hath no fury like 2 women in a car accident...
What do you call it when a king rips a fart?.. Air to the throne.
Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
Have you heard about the two guys who tried to steal a calendar? They each got six months
Why does hiring a ship illegally always cost $3.14? Because they're pi rates.
What do fish use to get high Seaweed ;D
Every idiot can use a computer. Most do.
When I said that I wanted to be a comedian, everyone laughed Well, now I'm here, and no one is laughing.
RIP Robin Williams I dont think hes coming back through a board game this time though
You know how people say they'll pray for you? I bet they don't. Assholes.
"would u like some dessert?" i ask the moose head above the fireplace "no thanks im stuffed" i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn't such a great idea
Why don't SJW's like guns? They can't handle the trigger!
Why did the M&amp;M 's go to college? Because they wanted to be smarties.
whats worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust
I'm sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says "oh great, dinner and a show." Priceless.
You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub? When people repeat the title in the description.
A one-liner based on what happened to me at work. An insect landed in my beverage, now I'm feeling a bit fly-tea.
So this lady says: "Would both of you guys do me at the same time?... ...come on, I double dog dare you."
What does PETA stand for? People Eating Tasty Animals
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My dick is good at math. What I'm trying to say is that it's the small things that count.
There are two typos of people in the world... ... those who proofread, and those who don't.
I'm doomed to always think of the best comebacks the next day when the baby isn't even around.
Women are like cars. We want the ones that look AND work the best, but none of us have the money.
Here's a FedEx joke http://imgur.com/UiGwU3e
Him: I like powerful women. Me: Gotcha. *dresses up as a rhino*
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
3 out of 4 people suffer from anxiety disorder. The 4th person enjoys it.
How many Vladimir Putins' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they didn't Putin enough effort. Just a play on his last name, nothing more.
ME: *vaping* FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen? ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
What happens if I put a vial in another vial and then in another vial? It doesn't matter.
Oral contraceptive I recently had an experience with oral contraceptives. I asked a woman if she would like have sex with me. She said, "No".
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
To get to the other side Why did the time traveler cross the road?
I'm giving up drinking. ... Hard liquor. ... On Wednesdays.
So my dad was at the hardware store and asked if I needed anything. I said I was hungry and he said... "Sure I'll get you some nuts ;)"
Why do politicians take laxatives? So that they can speak more fluently!
People ask me, "Matt, how do you do it?" , "Matt, what's your secret?" , "Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?"
"Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?" No thanks I have a previous engagement "I'm cool with that, hell I've been married like 6 times"
I hate those who are anti-democracy, anti-freedom or anti-semitic but if there is one anti thing that i like it is Anti-jokes
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
"I got you, babe." - kidnappers
What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer? The power is on and you're connected to the internet.
If you were to look at my search history you might think I was a history buff... ... but in reality I just enjoy masturbating to pictures of Holocaust victims.
COP: don't worry sir, we'll find your kids as soon as we can. ME: no hurry.
I just Facebook Unfriended someone on their birthday. #TrueGrit
Why did the chicken not cross the road? to not get to the other side.
No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.
What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have ? A catastrophe !
Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive? A: Because she's dead.
Why did the geneticist get into advertising? Sex Cells
I have the Quran on CD... People sure are getting upset when I said I burned it.
If you cut off my head I'll continue eating for two more days.
If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.
How many amoebae does it take to change a lightbulb one no, two no, four eight, 16, 32....
What do you call a cow with no legs? A veterinarian
Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It lifts their spirits.
A thief stole a toilet from the police station. At this point they have nothing to go on.
I hate when people share opinions without being asked.
So Jesus walks into a hotel he throws a bunch of nails on the counter and asks:" hey, can you put me up for the night?" (sorry, if repeat)
What would you call The Flintstones if they were black? Niggers.
Confucius say... Do not meet girl in park. Park meat in girl.
Great Britains new Prime Minister Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
Has anyone ever seen Matthew McConaughey and a statue made out of overcooked bacon in the same room together
The only thing my girl friend blows Is everything out of proportion
Him: My brother wants us all to go camping together next summer. Me: Can't go, I'm allergic. Him: To what? Me: Everything you just said.
You know what the last thing I said last year was? One!
That's a nice ham you got there It'd be a shame if someone put an "S" in front and an "E" behind it
"Well ... I'll be dammed." Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I'm gonna hang up ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Say what you like about pacifists... ...
One thing I've learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you. -babies
Why does Hillary Clinton not give good blowjobs? Because her teeth are too fake and big
"50 Shades of Clay: The Aiken Story" might've been worse.
What do you call an orgy with six paraplegics? A threesome.
If I have seizures brought on by soda... Do I have Pepsilepsy?
Did you hear about the cannibal walking through the jungle and... he passed his brother?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half. An M&M. In half.
Im getting tired of the book "Life of Pi." It never ends.
Live Laugh Love Qstn:Why was there dancing at the barbers'? And: 'Coz they just got 'beered' O.o
I'd love the chance to relive my life, then I'd know exactly what people to kick in the crotch immediately upon meeting them.
How many protesters does it take to change a lightbulb? **TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING**
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ... yeah that's the whole joke.
Selected a charity for my major donations this year. It's called Blink.org. They provide turn signals to the masses who can't afford them.
Why did the blind guy have a burnt face? He answered the iron.
90s Kids won't get this either Smallpox
My dad caught me smoking his cigarettes... He beat me until I was white and gold.
Why don't cows play poker? Because it's a high steaks game
Why should you never date someone with a lazy-eye...? Because you never know if they're seeing someone on the side.
This guy's "game" is so bad, He can't get pussy from a dead cat.
TIL %90 of statistics are made up. The other %10 comes after you make a title.
Where do you find the Bible in a library? "Fiction".
Ian: "I'd like to report my guide dog missing." Cop: "Right. When did you last see him?" Ian: "I've never seen him."
What's the difference between Hillary and Eva Braun? One achieved fame and significance solely because she was married to a charismatic politician. The other was Hilter's wife.
You're the bomb! A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
Vegetarians and vegans are admirable ...... but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
A bug hit the windshield and my Grandma said: "I bet he won't have the guts to do that again!"
What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why does Motel 6 "keep the light on for you" A: So the roaches won't come out.
I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking
If a cat won an Oscar what would he get? An a-cat-emy award.
Getting older is like being in a prison shower You try to bend over as little as possible.
Your mum is so fat that when she entered an ugly contest they said, "sorry mam, but no professionals."
"My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am." - bumper sticker I put on my Ex's car
I think my chemistry teacher is anti-semetic He asked me to find the pH of the final solution.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend And it was so cold in that cemetery!
I'm sick and tired of all the hipsters on /r/Gifs.. They're always saying things like.. "The video was better".
What did Obama say when he proposed to Michelle? I don't wanna be Obama self
[Offensive] Adolf visits the concentration camp and asks a young boy how old he is "I'll be 6 soon!" "Nope"
Did you hear about the skinny guy that visited Alaska? I guess he came back a husky fucker.
What's a hard drive's favorite band? Data Remember
Cell division, explained: o 0 8 oo
I would never cheat in a relationship Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you wouldn't have heard of it
My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a  serpent ? A snake in the brass !
Where are smells made? In the olfactory.
Which U.S Presidents are not buried inside the United States? Carter, the Bushes, Clinton, and Barry-O
Last night I had a dream that I was running and accidentally tripped over my dick... I knew it was a dream because I was running.
My roommate is a chemistry major, and plays the organ.. One could say that he's an organic chemist.
I'd date me. But mainly because I put out.
My dog chases people on a bike a lot. If this continues i'll have to take his bike away.
My doctor told me my stool was loose. I apologized. I should have warned him before he sat on it.
Thanks to advertisements I know I need to help the diseased, the pregnant and those dying of cancer... And then have a smoke.
A cannibal in the jungle passed his brother. Think about that.
I like black people the same way I like racist jokes: I don't like racist jokes.
Walked into the gym and did 1 push up in front of everyone, then ripped off my shirt and walked out grunting 'You did it. You did it.'
What's the difference between a black guy and a pile of dog shit?? eventually the dog shit turns white and stops stinking.
[Trapped on a Island] *Message in a bottle* "Please send help!" *Gets message back, months later* "Linda invited you to play Candy Crush"
Im wearing my grandfathers watch A german guy walks up to me and asks if I can tell him the time. I say "nine"... he walks away complaining how rude american youth are.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there!"
How did the nervous female organ that was going to Hollywood feel? They were overreacting.
Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and I together. Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O together.
Nothing annoys me more than when I'm talking to someone about music and for some reason they think their opinion is as valid as mine.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too farty.
What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning? He was conducting.
Why don't they have any casinos in South Africa? Because there's too many cheetahs!
Considered having a one night stand last night just for the funny census results Then I remembered I'm unattractive
I feel bad for having sex with my best friend's sister. What's even worse is that my brother is my best friend.
Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.
In the future: "So Zionists tried to take a people's home and said god gave it to them." "So what happened?" "Apparently god disagreed."
I often call my stepson a "bitch" and my stepdaughter a "dickhead" to show them the importance of gender equality.
Q: How did the chewing gum cross the road? A: By sticking to the chicken's foot.
A recent study shows that 51.9% of the UK are under educated. It was called the EU referendum.
I told a girl to text me when she got home... She must be homeless.
Next time you're on a date and someone asks "Is that your boyfriend or your brother?" smile really creepy and whisper "Both".
What do you call a person who never passes gas in public? A *private tutor*
What is the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds There are twenty of them
How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!
I just want to give a shoutout to the ancients for inventing the calendar. It has made my day.
How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
A woman recently got oak breast implants... ...this joke would probably be better if it had a punchline, wooden tit.
"Stop pointing at my daughter!" - Kanye West yells at a compass.
What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it ? A sausage dog !
*wears shoulder pads for the angel and devil on my shoulders *pimps their ride
I forgot to go to my seminar on mindfulness
Those who hesitate... masturbate
"Oh hey there, didn't recognize you with your cap on," I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Two blonds are on opposite sides of a river "Hey!!! How do I get on the other side??" "You idiot!! You're already on the other side!!!"
Where does Christopher keep his dance shoes? In the Walken closet.
Did you guys hear about the sequel of "To Kill a Mockingbird"? It's called... "The Murder of Crows"
If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My counsellor told me I have a problem with vengeance. We'll see about that.
What does the train use to fuel it's gaming addiction? Steam. I'm so sorry.
I'm so tired I could sleep on a horse
Why does Donald Trump close his eyes during sex? So he can imagine he's masturbating.
What do you call an angry Russian? Pissdov
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
My Muslim wife left me the other day.... I guess she didn't know what Jihad.
Someone called me stupid and then blocked me before I even had a chance to agree with them.
[AskReddit] I read that 4,156,257 people got married this year.... ....not to cause any problems, but shouldn't that be an even number?
PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet? HUSBAND: Oh, it's a bit of a fairytale, right darling? [wife is clearly a wolf in a dress] WIFE: Yes.
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing.
What sentence did the man who took 2 minutes to turn around get? Man*slowturn*.
What did the buddhist monk say when he was asked if he was leaving? Na 'ma stay. (namaste) Grandfather joke at Easter dinner last sunday. Sorry.
Got so drunk last week that I married a thermostat Talk about turning the heat up on a relationship.
Did you hear about the librarian who wanted to get arrested? Turns out she just wanted to get booked.
Sure, I'll help you find those paper cuts. -Purell
All I do all day is roll massive joints and deal with huge quantities of dope. Being a pipe inspector sucks.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Why do baked goods always have an urge for sex? Because they're in heat.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?
When a dog's stomach starts growling, it's either hungry, or pregnant.
i'm the kind of person who would pretend i don't know your name but actually know what you been up to for the past 5 years per facebook.
Did you hear about the Indian guy who opened up a grocery store? He called I New Deli.
Finally watched an episode of America's Got Talent and I disagree.
That moment. You're driving, music blaring singing at the top of your lungs. You're a rockstar till the music cuts out & you hear your voice
Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If Wednesday is hump day... Would that make Tuesday foreplay day?
FUN FACT: Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music...
Why did the cook go to jail? He was caught beating the egg
Why did the bacon laugh? Because the egg cracked a yolk.
You ever hear of the Nazi strip club? They don't make it rain, they make it Heil!
The sign said "fine for parking here" And since it was fine, I parked there.
When does a joke stop being funny? When you repost it.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush -- so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth. His protest was legendary.
Need wrist jokes My little brother just broke his wrist and we are sitting in the hospital. He requested wrist jokes. Anybody have some?
What I buy from a tea shop I sigh everytime.
He just gave me his last bit of bacon. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. It was a proposal right?
Whats a terrorists favorite dessert flavored ices
Gasping for air while saying "Oh. My. God." as a waiter brings you dessert makes you look like a big fat fuck.
What's the meanest thing someone's ever said to you? Oh, you're a redditor?
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
It's like the TSA doesn't even care relationships end cause we can't run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.
*Dies and goes toward the light* Light: "I have a boyfriend"
Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. .. Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".
I was gonna tell a pedophile joke but I always come in a little behind.
Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death. This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. -Jerry Seinfeld
My new hobby: Seeing animals in old films like westerns, and saying "I can tell you something about that animal." "It's dead now."
My Doctor just diagnosed me with Tom Jones Syndrome... "Is it common?" I said. "Well..." He replied "It's not unusual"
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE? "Haha a man obviously" *Detective places cheese on table* *suspect starts to sweat*
What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning Hippy? Because he was too far out, man.
Girl are you a plumber? Cause i wanna make you moen
Is this subreddit dying? Nobody's posted anything all year.
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...ground up and in the freezer.
Brothels in Thailand have a red and white striped pole outside like a barbars shop! I didn't know! Imagine my shock when I went in and asked for a 'number 2 all over'
What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka? A sorority.
Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I've ever been to hunting my own food.
Have you heard of the nuttiest band in rock n roll? The almond brothers... I'll go now
Heard this one liner at work today Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
What did the made-to-order breakfast dish say to Taylor Swift at the Grammys? Omelette you finish.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
What did the curtain rod say to the blinds? Nice shades. (sorry)
Dark humour is like food Some people just don't get it
Did you hear about the guy who fell into a waterhole? Well, it's a deep subject.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog. BOSS: What's updog? ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Now I know why they call her "head nurse" It's because she is in charge of the other nurses...not what I was hoping for.
I just got condoms installed on my floor today it protects the hardwood.
What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.
What do you call a depressed clementine on a late night walk? A meanderin' orange.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite... So I packed her things and left.
*Rubs lamp* *Nothing happens* Where's the genie? *Takes off lampshade* What's wrong with this thing?
Saw a new movie the other day... It was about a guy who dreamt he was a condom. It was called Contra-ception.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale!
A blonde and a brunette are exchanging wild stories... Brunette: "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" Blonde: *ponders for a moment* "No but I've been swung around by the tits before!"
What did Carmen's mom say when Carmen dropped her waffle in the sandbox? "Where in the world is Carmen's sandy Eggo?"
What is the difference between a pedophile and a sexually active wife of a cop? One wants to cop a feel and the other wants to feel a cop.
My girlfriend's ex was a clown I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
(This one is better when spoken) Did you hear about the man with two penises? Yep. First one he named Jose. Second one he named hose B.(again, better spoken)
Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged.
I was just at the beach and heard someone yell "Help! Shark!" I am pretty sure that shark wasn't going to help him...
Remember when you used to blow bubbles while you chewed gum? He was here about a half an hour ago looking for you.
Do you want to know why I dropped out of Communism class? I had bad marx.
What looks like half a sandwich? The other half.
What is the difference between Elliot Rodgers and Malaysia Airlines? Malaysia Airlines only has been shot down once.
[texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
'Weeds' is a gateway show... ...watching it can lead to binging on more serious programs like 'Breaking Bad'.
Eat that damn door We are waiting
Mayweather decides to teach his son how to hit on girls. With fists
Don't die a virgin!!! ...Seriously there are terrorists up there waiting for you!
How can you know if somebody watches Doctor Who? They'll make sure you know.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked. Me: Twitter? Her: No. Your Bank acc. Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My wife cried when I bought her a car... It was a Saab.
A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it. "I'll take the maple bar, please."
What are women good for!? Something to lie on while you have sex!
I like my rape jokes how I like my rape victims... Not taken seriously.
I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.
Hank Hill is into BDSM because he is Pro-pain.
Why did the accountant go crazy? He started to hear invoices in his head.
Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a "God PLEASE bless America", maybe you'd have better luck. #manners
I stayed up all night waiting for the sun to rise then it dawned on me
Why does Marx only drink herbal tea? Because property is theft.
Did you hear the joke about ebola? ...you won't get it.
A person is sentenced to death by freezing It's justice.
What kind of newspaper do cows read? The Moo York Times
What do you call a Halal pie? Allah mode.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bales
Grammer nazis are the worse. Thank you four you're time.
Dark humour is like food not everybody gets it.
Why did roman sculptures have small penises? To get to the other side!
I miss the good old days when no one knew what gluten was.
Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word. Me: Hired. Interviewer: (under breath) holy shit can he do that?
Yellowstone park rangers have discovered a Grizzly that only eats cheese... ... it's a Camembert.
"Almost there." - liars
A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.
Whichever marketing genius created the "Kim Kardashian Kollection" must not know much about history or acronyms.
Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.
Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.
I'll never have the conviction of a jogger who runs in place while waiting for the red light to turn.
I think a cool anti-hero would be Aeon Netflux ...except during fights she would stop every 2 minutes to "rebuffer", and her selection of moves would be extremely limited.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn't buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Your mama is so fat ... She broke the stairway to heaven.
What did the 5 dollar bill day to the 1 dollar bill? Atleast I'm not single
A procrastinator and a depressed man walk into a bar... Depressed man: I'm driving straight off a bridge tonight. Procrastinator: I've been telling myself that for weeks.
How do you say constipated in German? Fahfrompoopin
WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
Oh yeah? Well if I'm so gay like you say, then why do I have to think about my wife when I have sex with dudes, hmmm?
LOL pills that say don't take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU suggest I take my medication then?
Why do Jews not support arranged marriages? Because the Torah doesn't allow "force kin".
My money is on MySpace to take the Gold in the Downhill Competition.
So I just made a new awesome mod! $4 to download and plus new content coming next week for $5 more!
I'm thinking of taking up animal hoarding. Where can I get 37 armadillos this time of night?
The days of good grammar has went.
What did the Atlantic say to the Pacific? Nothing. It just waved.
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
I wish every time I made eye contact the Super Mario coin sound happened.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren't rolling yet.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.
The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board From the back a guy shouts "I'm a vegan!"
Clever yo mama jokes The title says it all. Heres one: Yo mama so fat that light bends around her.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
What did the Joker say to the dwarf planet? Why so Ceres?
Nice try, private caller. I don't answer the phone if I know you either.
I'm trying to give up using innuendo in my jokes. But it's hard...really hard.
I'd rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[Commercial for narrators] Narrator: Don't you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[describing robbers to sketch artist] Make his ears more lethargic. That's better, now flare his nostrils like he's excited about a sale.
kids now have dating apps but back in my day we had to run through the city shirtless with a megaphone screaming "why does no one want me"
What musical instrument can be found in nearly every Bathroom? ... ... A tuba toothpaste.
The difference between being naughty and being kinky Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot
People actually care about you! Just try missing a couple of payments, you'll see!
What is robin going to get for Christmas? An oviposition set
What's the best dating service in India? Connect the dots. (I'll see my self out.)
TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER 7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection. Me: How many do you have? 7yo: Zero. Me: ZERO? 7yo: I said it was empty.
The Special Olympics is like Nascar. You're not watching it for the race...
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby-trap.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I got fired today, because during my lunch break, I went to the men's room and blew chunks. Chunks is our forklift driver, I should admit.
Why is th earth so mean? Because it has a lattitude problem.
What is a mexicans favourite tv show? Spicks and specks. (google it)
Why did the wine critic get kicked off the nudist beach? Because he was wandering around with a semillon. (best when read out loud)
Why did the rancher vivisect his daughter? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He wanted to reverse cowgirl.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any helicopter flavored chips?" The Bartender says "No, we only have plane"
My 2 year old loves Hello Kitty. My 6 month old, on the other hand, is really into Hello Titty.
I'm really disappointed that Jill Stein is not the female Wallstreet-corporate puppet of the 2016 US Presidential election... As I'll never get to use the term "shill Stein"
Why do you become a smurf every time you are sad? Because you're feeling blue.
Why was the composer late for work? He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.
At the next election I am going to vote for the NSA Because they listen to the voters even after the elections.
Two peanuts walks into a bar... ...and one was a salted.
My boss fired me. "Why?" I protested. "I haven't done anything!" Turns out that was his reason.
"Mom, do you have time to play Crazy 8's?" "No I'm making dinner, I don't have the time to learn a new game right now." "It's not new, it was made in the 1960's"
So bored at the airport, I just smiled at a baby to kill time.
What did Sonic the Hedgehog say 24 hours before he got a blood test? Gotta go fast.
What's the difference between men and women? Women play hard to get. Men get hard to play.
What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader? I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A FSHHH
Flipped the entire family off while they had their eyes closed during grace.
Two blonds walk into a bar... ...you think one of them would have noticed
Do you want to hear a potassium joke? K. I was going to tell you a sodium joke but Na.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
A Jew Gesundheit
Wow dude asks "What brings you here?" $14.99 per month and a addiction to a game that's been failing since Cata
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
What's the difference between the Devil and Ted Cruz? The Devil has standards.
The "L" in Samuel L. Jackson stands for "Motherfucker".
For every action, there is an equal and opposite... This post is not longer available due to a trademark claim by Fine Brothers Entertainment.
Did you hear Ben and Jerry are going to bring out a special line of LGBT ice-cream? They're gonna call it Ambrusia.
What does every "Tickle Me Elmo" get before they leave the factory? Two test tickles
Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg A blowjob, because you can't beat a blowjob.
A 95 year old man and a 93 year old woman file for divorce. Lawyer: Why divorce now after all this time together? Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.
Don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day. I repeat, don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello... From the other side
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Why did the woman fall in love with the surgeon? Because he cauterize.
Hey Dad did anybody call for me when I was out? "Yeah some girl named Jenny" "Jenny who?" "I don't know. Why don't you call her and ask." "She leave a number?" "Yeah 867-5309"
I like to cover my tracks by ending all my Google searches with the word "hypothetically"
The morning after a long night of drinking, I went to buy a flower arrangement. The guy at the counter asked me if I had been drinking. I said, "No. I woke up like this. Florist."
Whats Jesus's favorite gun? A nail gun
Some lesbians built a house on my block... It was all tongue-in-groove with no studs.
I told my friend he's a bad thief. He's not taking it well.
Friday, is that you???????
What does a Disneyland ride and Viagra have in common? You have to wait one hour for a 3 minute ride.
Why did the CS major quit his job? He didn't get arrays.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend's brother "still had down syndrome." No mother, he walked it off.
What do you call a person who knows 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call a person who knows 2 languages? Bilingual. What do you call a person who knows only one language? American.
The trick to being happy is to keep a positive outlook: For example, my ongoing effort to break the world record for most ramen eaten while single is going great!
So a sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a hill Ba-dum-tiss
Expeditions to Mars Russian expedition: "Well, there is Mars." American expedition: "Well, there are the life forms. Disgusting" Chinese expedition: "Not if you know how to cook them properly"
Why do they call it a "shit-eating grin"? I don't think I'd be smiling if I was eating shit.
The economy is so bad... even the rope splicer can't make ends meet.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I'm gonna need those back.
What did the Gorilla call his first  wife? His prime-mate!
I actually don't really hate anybody at all except for Oprah,David spade, Kevin James, the mom from the Berenstain Bears, Sheryl Crow, Kevin
[Parent-Teacher Conference] Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!
I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?" ... so I turned it into wine.
My roommate and I don't get along. It's because I'm a cat person and she's a bitch.
Baby are you an angler fish? Because I'm super into you.
Whats Black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee, ya racist.
What do Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney have in common? Both shot someone in the face while in office.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ari ! Ari who ? Ari-S-P-E-C-T !
When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python. NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
You say cannibal, I say people person.
Two sheep are in a field... One says "Baaaaaaah" The other one says, "Fuck, I was gonna say that!"
What Happens When You Cross A Programmer And A Musician? An Algo-rhythm.
What happened to the guy who ingested lead? It wasn't the lead that killed him, but rather the element of surprise.
Paul has a kid It's appalling
[looks up at arresting officer] are you mad at me
What type of dinosaurs roamed the Mediterranean before the asteroid hit? Falafel Raptors. (sorry)
Sex positions for small penises Fuck! This isn't Google search. How do I delete this post?
How did Michael Jackson get food poisoning? He ate a 10 year old wiener.
why was 6 afraid of 777? because it's like a really large number and stuff
What's Red and smells like Blue paint? Red paint.
I'm the flower, you're the bee. Why don't you suck the sweet pollen right out of me?
A company in India is releasing the first-ever "smart shoe" that connects with Google Maps to track your footsteps. "Merry Christmas," said your wife.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, "You're at Burger King."
I haven't really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie 'Breakfast Club', actually had nothing to do with food
Science created airplanes and skyscrapers Faith brought them together
[dog bites my arm off] owner: lol don't worry he's just playing
What does a single, gay person watch at christmas? Homo alone!
How can Peter Pan fly? You'd fly too if somebody panned your peter.
Go ahead, call the cops, lady. I got ten witnesses that'll say your baby kicked me first.
Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans can't milk the cow for 14 years.
Glee has ruined that word for me
You know Santa came when.. There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.
Chemistry Joke (Language) Daaaang girl, are you Fluorine, Uranium, Carbon, Potassium, Oxygen, Fluorine, and Fluorine? Cuz I want you to FUCK OFF
HER: Are you free Friday night? ME: Let me check my colander. HER: Your... ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I'll be making spaghetti.
If "The Purge" was real, I'd hide in Aeropostale cause no one has been there since like 2009
Why do beaches not get sarcasm? Because they always take things littorally
You can never trust someone from Chernobyl. Most of them are two-faced.
What's black and white and red all over? An emo kid with a razor.
Nine out of ten people... Enjoy gang rape.
CNN: "Chess grandmaster, 20, dies in parkour balcony fall" Shoulda castled earlier.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was too tired...
lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can't burp so they get mad and cry me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies
Shock me once, shame on you. Shock me twice, that's just revolting.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
The people at Netflix are geniuses. I'm impressed that they were able to make a show based on a swimming pool game! I wonder what they'll try next.
Give a woman an inch and she probably won't call you back.
What pill would you give to an elephant that  can't sleep ? Trunkquilizers !
What's the difference between reddit and resturant ? Restaurants have better servers.
What snooker and women have in common? When pink is blocked by red, you hit the brown.
Q: Where do pigs park their cars? A: In porking lots.
Have you seen  www.smallearthquake.com? Yes its's no great shakes!
My dad would always say this, I don't know if this classifies as a joke, but it's funny I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest Also: That smell could knock a buzzard off a shitpile
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One
2 Jews walk into a bank. Bartender looks at them and says, "Damn, I'm in the wrong joke."
Just played Uno with my Mexican co-workers... ...they stole all the green cards.
I've just been to the Travel agents to pick up my spending money for my trip to Greece. How the hell am I going to get these 100 goats onto the plane?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
What do we want? FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE! When do we want it? [Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I used the toilet just after my wife and noticed that her shit really does smell of roses. Hardly surprising. She's polished off four tins of the fuckers in the last two days
Is BB hungry? No, BB-8.
They say the camera adds ten pounds. I knew this all camera diet was bad for me. They're just so delicious.
"I'm sorry" and "My bad" mean the same thing Unless you're at a funeral
They say us men all think with our dicks... but all I want is a woman who will blow my mind.
Did you know that witches don't wear panties? It's so they can get a better grip on the broomstick.
I was going to write a joke about taps... ...but I didn't want to faucet.
Why did the farmer win an award? because he was out-standing in his field
If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?
Which state is actually a tiny soft drink? mini-soda.
What do they call number 17 in black jack ? The stepmother, because sometimes you want to hit her, even though you shouldn't
UK Scientist: We've engineered a new species of cyanobacteria U.S. scientist: We've made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta ?  Tagliateddy !
U ever squeeze out a turd so big that it feels like u traveled through time once it's out? anyway forgive me father for i have sinned
What do you call a person who keeps falling over? Tripical
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this? *takes you out several times then acts distant*
Standup comedian It gets up in public, at public places; thus making me awkward, and the passersby laugh. My dick is a great standup comedian.
Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth? A: Einstein's dick.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I'm on to something...
I could never be on a reality show because I wouldn't want my mom to see the faces I make when I talk to her on the phone.
What's the opposite of Adele? Amac or BB-Mac (you pick which one's funnier)
Which villains steal soap from the bath? Robber ducks.
What did Marvin Gaye's dad say to him on his birthday? Son, if this is another tie, I'm gonna kill you.
When and where do chemists have sex? Periodically, on the table.
Why does OP never deliver? [removed]
What has 32 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.
What does the Lego man do for fun? He throws a block party.
Did you hear the one about Ferguson? It's a riot.
I told Jim he is upside-down His nose runs and his feet smell.
I hope fashion in the future isn't all like, weird metal bird outfits. Cuz a bunch of mine just got stolen.
My girlfriend said she will leave me unless I stop pretending to be a dung beetle. I said, 'Go right ahead. I can live without sex but I do need to eat every day'.
Two cannibals were eating a clown.... One turns to the other and asks, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100. Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? Girl, we used to be so tight until we let some dick come between us.
I saw my waitress had a black eye so I ordered really slow Since she's obviously not good at listening.
I have started a band called Free Beer. When people see our sign 'Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM' I'm sure everyone is going to be there.
What do you call children that are born into a Whorehouse? Brothel Sprouts
Has this been posted before?
Banned from Yelp for including "the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask" in my Chuck E Cheese review
There was this church that was so so small That instead of having a crucified jesus they had one hanging
bill gates farted in an apple store and stank up the entire place... But its their fault for not having windows..
Let's make a deal. I'll get in touch with my feminine side if you get in touch with my balls.
I wish I was a helicase enzyme... ...because then I could unzip your genes
How does Geppetto exact his revenge on Monstro the Whale? Marry a net maker
A physicist came knocking on my door... I gave him the No-Bell Prize.
The meeting with Kim Davis isn't the only thing on his U.S. trip that Pope Francis wanted to keep secret... The engine in his Fiat was a Volkswagen diesel.
Why do artists never win when they play  football ? They keep drawing !
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says, "Help, need ride!"
A Mexican, a Jew, and a black guy walk into a bar The bartender looks at them and says "get the fuck outta here"
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common? A: They're intended for children but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Some people brings happiness wherever they go I bring happiness whenever I go
If Jehovah's witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I'd gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
What sound does a cheating chicken? Cuck.
What have women and condoms got in common? If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
My class teacher once said "Write and Practice." Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Two Scottish guys are playing with a potato launcher. One guy accidentally fires at his friend's crotch. His friend falls to the ground and screams, "MY BANGERS ARE MASHED!"
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies: 1) will this location be discovered by Pokemon players? 2) do I care?
In North Korea... [edited] everything is grand and prosperous and USA is smelly
My typo game is string.
I don't see why Mariah Carey is getting so much abuse. Every year at Times Square someone drops the ball.
How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, feminist can't change anything.
Neurotic condoms stay awake at night thinking "I'm only 99% effective."
What happened to the blind circumsizer? He got the sack.
My New Years Resolution 4K
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET 1) PUT SHEET ON BED 2) FOLD BED
No matter how many times I call the hospital to complain, they won't recall my baby.
A Conversation Between Countries Britain: we pulled the dumbest political shit this year America: *uuurp* hold my beer
Horses are nice, they're like motorcycles you can pet
Why does LeBron James wear high socks? His Cavs can't handle the Heat
I wish I were Adam. For if I cracked a joke, nobody would say, "I've heard that before."
Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I'm gonna need some bail money on the side.
Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?" A: "The C" COMMENT A JOKE BELOW!
Last week, I told my grandpa that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping. He just called me from Brazil.
I just got married today It's unreal. I can still remember the the exact moment when every woman in the world became instantly more attractive.
When's the worst time to eat candy? When she's on her period.
If you choose to always make it all about you, that's precisely who you'll end up with.
What do Ken Jennings and OJ Simpson have in common? they both killed at double jeopardy!
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
A beer matt walks into a bar.. Drinks are on me!
Smart golfers always wear two pairs of pants in case they get a hole in one.
What do you call a blonde with two brain  cells? Pregnant!
What's it called if women in heaven still menstruate? A grace period.
Blonde Brain Cells Q: How do blondes' brain cells die? A: Alone.
Cool puppy. What's his name? "Patches" Aww, that's a cute name. Because he has those spots? "Nah...it's cause he's trying to quit smoking"
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My salad for lunch is missing one key ingredient which would make it perfect. Donuts.
"Please! There's no need to interact with me. I'm just here to observe." -me in every social situation
[Drug Deal] How do I know ur not a cop? "If I was a cop would I do this?" *Starts break dancing* That's not as much proof as you think it is
What do you call an ill-tempered German? A sour kraut.
A limerick... there was a young vampire called mable. Whose periods were always quite stable. Every full moon, She'd pull out a spoon And drink herself under the table
Every fight is a food fight.... .... when you're a cannibal.
Jokes How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
I own a Driver-less car. Yup, it's sitting parked on my driveway right now.
I wish I was poplar. No, that's not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*looks up "how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds" on YouTube* *ad starts playing* *looks up "how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds"*
Did you hear about the man who found a dollar in his beer? It happened once in a Blue Moon
Hear about the Native American who died from drinking too much tea before bed? He drowned in his teepee.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
F**k censorship
Driving I was driving in the city, when I got the Sun in my eyes. Damn Paparazzi.
The leading cause of being cryptic is stuff.
Polish math prodigy Knock knock! Who's there? Polish math prodigy with slurred speech. Polish math prodigy with slurred speech who? Toomasz Whizzski
Remember ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool shit.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
A man comes into a bar No, wait, it was a horse. So a man comes into a horse...
Two men .... Two men walked into a building, You would have thought one of them would have seen it!
I've been married for about 45 lbs.
Man spills highly valuable can of concentrated oxygen "It was an oxidant!", he was heard to say later.
Just found a $5 bill in the dryer. -Adds money laundering to criminal resume.
What do you call a large predatory bird with poor social skills? Hawkward
Hello mother. Hello father. Here I am at Camp Marijuana. Crack is good, but weed is better, I'm so f*cked up, a friend wrote this letter.
My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology. She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.
I just got a socially progressive phone... It has an LGBTQWERTY keyboard
My dyslexic uncle was suicidal... He kept jumping behind trains
I never make mistakes. . . I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
I don't know why they call them "dog tranquilizers." They seem to work just fine on people, too.
You Know The Economy is really Bad when even God starts laying people off #pope
What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer? A fair cop.
for those who received a book from me this Christmas. They're due back at the library tomorrow.
Why do black people where baggy pants? 'Cause they're knee grows!
I like my sausages like I like my women In bread
[first date] I had a great time. Not tonight, but I've had a great time before.
What happened when the frogs car broke down? It got toad
One grape lived for lying around in the sun. It was his "raisin d'etre."
Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery. We're calling it Send Noods
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon balls.
*dies* *gets to heaven* *sees furries everywhere* Me: What the... Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man *laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Why are Apple products popular with hipsters? Steve Jobs went underground.
I couldn't work for that man anymore, especially now after what he said to me. He said, "You're fired"
I can't believe people make jokes about cancer patients with no fathers Sick bastards
What does Hulk say when he poops? IBM!
only joke i ever made up.. What did the papa pear tree say to his effeminate male son? GROW A PAIR!
I just whispered "Come at me, bro" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life.
*gets down on 1 knee* OMG *puts 2nd knee down* WHAT? *lays on floor* JIM? *snake noises* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *slithers out of relationship*
What's the difference between tulips and roses? roses hurt when your dick is between them.
Why did the cowboy ride his horse? Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
You can't make everyone happy. You aren't a jar of Nutella.
Why did the blond not come out of the shower? Because the bottle said to lather, rinse, and repeat.
[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent's jacket] Terrorist: FBI? Agent: uhhh Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector
If Christians want to stop gay sex... they should encourage gay marriage.
What do you call a sad cancer patient? Chemo-sobby (kemosabe)
FYI, you don't have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, "How's everything tasting"
What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
Why did the picture go to jail? because it was framed.
My girlfriend is the best! My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
I once found a used dildo in my house, i am still searching for more toys.
I heard oxygen and magnesium were dating And I was like OMG
There's only one thing I hate more that white supremacy. Black people
I'm shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
before cameras, people would have to say "cheese" for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Good News For Pedophiles Halloween is here, so you can stop being so secretive about giving small children free candy.
What's faster than light? Darkness, my old friend.
What was INXS Singer Michael Hutchence's favorite vegetable? The autochoke.
Shot my first turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.
How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.
48% of soda fountains tested positive for possible fecal contamination, meaning it's likely you've unknowingly been drinking cream soda.
Which President had the shortest term? Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.
What fish do road-menders use ? Pneumatic krill !
I couldn't put it off any longer, at the mall to shop for Christmas presents. Christ, what was I thinking... I came here sober.
Zoology teacher was asked to substitute history teacher's class since he was on leave.. And so he did.. Describe Shahajahan's wife Mumtaz with a neat diagram and label the parts
Maybe the UN and NATO wouldn't be so upset with the Ukraine invasion if they weren't just Russian in?
Who is a Graduate student's least favorite Greek Hero? Thesus
If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.
What profession did the parrot get into when it  swallowed the clock? Politics
A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes... My dogs don't even own bikes..
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
What do you do if your computer hums? Tell it to change its socsks!
How do you know that Beyonce is a hardcore programmer? VB ALL NIGHT!!!!!
I was just flipping through a pictorial of Betty White on one of those celebrity sites... And I realized it was Lindsey Lohan. True Story.
Are you a haunted house? Because every time I come inside you I shit myself.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck... I'll see myself out now.
How does NASA organize their Christmas party? They planet
While you are trying to remember your ex then look at your watch and it's showing 4:04 ...
13: I have a friend that doesn't like baseball, chocolate, or bacon. Me: Pretty sure that's not a friend, bro.
I'm a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
An old Jewish man won the lottery, and decided to donate half of it to the nazi party. "Fair is fair," he said. "They gave me the winning numbers."
Call me crazy, but I kinda like the way people look with their lips cut off
I went to the zoo . . . I went to the zoo, and in the entire place, they only had one dog. It was a shih tzu.
How much for the best friend? Manager : Sir, we've been through this, our cashiers aren't for sale.
What do you get when you put the entire South Carolina cheerleading team in one room? A full set of teeth.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Why is a good hooker like a skilled carpenter? No wood gets wasted.
What's big, Scottish and depressing? Scotland
Why did the chicken cross the road? Him: why did the chicken cross the road? Her: I don't know. Him: to go to the shops. Do you think that's funny? Her: No. Him: neither did the chicken.
My counselor suggested I take Sign language in school... She said it was pretty handy
Cigarettes are just like hamsters. They're perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
What do you call your disabled study-buddy? Your cerebral pal-sy.
I walked into a bar and some chick tried to pick me up I said "Put me down, you are going to hurt yourself."
What did little Paul Bunyan say when his mom asked him how he damaged his favorite toy? It was an ax-I-dent.
Bicycle joke Why did the guy fall off his bicycle? Because I threw a microwave at him
What's the difference between a hockey player and a French woman? Hockey players shower after three periods.
Did you hear Woody stabbed his best friend? What a Buzz kill
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
As my eyesight gets worse my parents blame video games while my optometrist says it's due to the roundness of my eyeball. One way or the other, there is a stigma.
Prostate Exam The worst part about getting a prostate exam is the embarrassment of getting an erection -- especially when they find out I'm not a doctor.
Story of my life Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise? Me: Does sex count as exercise? Dr: Yes. Me: No.
#NAME?
Apple CEO While world is crazy about Apple........ its CEO is crazy about bananas
Let's find some common ground so I can tell you my fucking life story.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I amputated my own fingers to get a date with a cute surgeon She finally took my digits this time!
What did one cow say to the other? Hey moo!
I suffer from a disease called chronic procrastination... I need to see a doctor about it, but I can do it later.
What kinda pet would John Wayne get?... He'd get a long little doggie.
A Republican, a Democrat, and a Socialist live in the same building. One day there is a fire, but only the Socialist dies. Why? everyone else was at work.
Like a stoned man once said, I can't remember.
The Golden Globe goes to... Burrito ... for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?... ... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
Muhammad Ali walks into a bar So Muhammad Ali walks into a bar and orders a drink. He gives the bartender ceramic money. The Bartender says "I can't accept this your Cash Is Clay"
What do you get if you cross a student and an  alien ? Something from another universe -ity !
My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.
I couldn't be on a reality show because I wouldn't want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone.
"Dad why do you write so slow?" asked  Dennis. "I have to" replied his father. "I'm a slow reader."
Hey, websites, don't worry about me. I'll accept the fuck out of your terms and conditions.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away... It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants. Amen.
If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.
The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.
There was a vote at the offices of Microsoft whether to update a beloved software or keep it the way it was. Bill Gates decided to v2 it
What do you call a fish without eyes? A FSSSSSHHHH
It was odd seeing pecan logs at the grocery store... because I usually don't get the logs until after I eat the pecans.
What do you call a midget psychic that escaped from jail? A Small Medium at Large
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line, I don't understand.
The opposite of aging gracefully is aging nancygracefully, where you literally morph into a horrible human being.
I am finally going to be rich someday... I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes. 'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!
If anyone needs me, I'll be over at facebook, actin' creepy.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane A pilot you RACIST!
So I've decided that my Wi-Fi will be my valentine. Idk, we just have this connection.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom's friend Frank, the fork living next door.
What do you call someone who likes to dress up like Jesus? A cross-dresser.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club A lot of you came early, I'm not surprised
If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!
Hillary Clinton could be the first f president I was going to write female but the emale got deleted.
Q. What do clouds do when they become rich? A. They make it rain!
"Opening a llama acting school called 'Save the Drama for your Llama." "No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?"
What's the different between England and a tea bag? A tea bag last longer in the cup
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Have I got a favourite 70's rock band? Yes.
If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke
All those who believe in telekinesis Raise My hand
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.
How is a photon like an abandoned church? They have no mass.
What was the former name of captain Hook? Captain Hand
The fastest way to convert from centimeters to meters... Just remove the first 5 letters.
What did the man quietly say to himself after farting in a crowded elevator? Thanks a lot, asshole.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 20 beers!!
I shaved all the hair of my girlfriend's cat. Hopefully she takes the hint.
As technology gets lighter, thinner, and faster... People get heavier, thicker, and slower.
Why did the feminist fail algebra? She couldn't solve inequalities.
why were the rappers late for their flight? they forgot tupac
miley cryus's career (please read title if you dont get joke)
Waiter! Waiter! This salad is frozen solid. Yes sir. It's the iceberg lettuce that does it.
Guys I thought of something funnier than 68. 69
*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison* *opens twitter app* *looks up* *being released*
What does a girl have in common with a camel? They both have a camel toe.
How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on Facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
What do you call a Jedi knight who delivers babies? Obi-Gyn Kenobi.
My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.
I like my women the way I like my pools... Filled with chlorine twice a month.
My coworker asked me to guess who invented sliced bread. I said Jesus at the last supper because if I were Jesus why would my bread **not** come apart in clean slices?
Had a near death experience last night A cop pulled me over.
How is air like sex? It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a Mexican whose lost his car? Carlos
An electron tried getting into a Nucleus "Sorry, you wrong sub".
I bet in Somalia a kid has been like "I'm so hungry!" and another's like "Third world problem!" and they both laugh and die and stuff.
A natural log with her own show ln(DeGeneres)
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? ...pick it up and suck it's dick.
Once as Laloo was coming out of airport there was huge rush and the security guard told him "Wait Please."  To which Laloo replied "65 kgs" and moved on.
What do you call an illegal immigrant and a pedophile fighting? Alien Vs Predator
At the dinner table.. Dad: So how's college these days, kid? what classes are you taking? Kid: Intro to linguistics. Ugh, it's a shitty course. Dad: Language!
A bad metaphor is like a cucumber with a parachute.
Ever hear about the Latino doctor that collects inkwells? Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician.
I saw my ex wife in a grocery store. "Having fun there?" I asked her, as she felt up the apples. "Does that remind you of someone?" She said, "No, but this does," Then she started rubbing the grapes.
I Just Won the Polish Lottery I get $1 a year for a million years.
What do you call a stubborn Egyptian? In denile
I like to paint pictures of WW2 bombers onto the sides of beautiful women.
I typed something into Google on my phone then held it to my ear. I felt stupid at first, but now I'm kinda mad that that doesn't work.
Spell "pound" in two letters. Lb.
I once went down on a girl without knowing she was on her period Boy was my face red.
I took my child to work almost ten months ago, people. Is there seriously not a Take Your Child Back Home Day?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Becka ! Becka who ? Becka the bus is the best place to sit !
Some nights I wonder if the little boy from the sweatshop that made my iPhone is staring up at the same stars I'm Instagraming.
[wedding] i wrote my own vows *removes paper* "chickety china the chinese chicken" whoops wrong one *2nd paper* "if i had $1,000,000"
How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Significantly more than zero, *p* &lt; .001.
QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! YOU'RE NOT MY FOUNDING FATHER! - strict constitutional constructionist teen to the President
Ever blow bubbles as a kid? He's back in town and wants you to give him a call.
What's the best way to wrap up 2016? Debbie Reynolds Wrap.
how do you get 100 babies in a trash can? blender!... how do you get them back out? ... doritos!
Whats the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.
Where does Q come before P? In front of a busy urinal.
What's your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
What has four legs and one arm? An attack dog in an elementary school.
Why do people with the Flu stand in corners? Its always 90 Degrees
Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
Metro don't trust trump. Future gon' shoot him.
Ever wondered why there were no knock knock jokes about America? Freedom Rings.
Q: What are the best ten years of an  Irishman's life? A: Third grade.
The best way to show someone you hate them is to serve them food without cheese on it.
I'm concerned about my local funeral parlour closing down It's right on the high street, but every time I walk past it's dead in there
HTML my life.
If I was a quotation mark, I'd be a single quotation mark.
I made a joke about Kim Jong-Un [Removed]
What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target? Of course, I'm shuriken.
Where does a legged waitress work? IHOP.
"I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!" (Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
What's the difference between anal sex and an oven? The oven doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
Damn girl are you a planet? Because i can see Uranus through my binoculars at night.
What was the slogan for the cross-dresser's party? Eat, drink, and be Mary.
What did the pirate say with a steering wheel down his pants? "YARRR, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!!!"
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of Helium? HeHe
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don't wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they're my age then I find out they're OLD!! Like, THIRTY!! So I killed her.
I was watching porn when an ad popped up. It said, "Want a bigger penis??" I thought, "Yes. That's why I'm watching porn."
Why are there so many dogs at the pound? Because no one wants them.
Why does the fat chick give the best blowjobs? She closes her eyes and imagines she's having cordon bleu.
I sponsor one of those poor kids on TV. He sends me nice letters, I mail him pictures of me smiling, throwing away food.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
All mushrooms are edible. ...Once.
I don't believe Prince Andrew paid for an underage sex slave. That bastard's never paid for anything in his life.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
You tell me to "walk a mile in your shoes" but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
"I've had enough of your shit" ~ toilet paper on strike.
Because you know I'm all about that data, bout that data. No trouble. I'm all about that data, bout that data. No trouble.
Someone once told me I'm a sociopath. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Why do they call it the XBOX 360? Because you turn 360 and walk away!!
I'm so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign. And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook. And in my bed And on my couch And in my car And when I was at work
Why did the Jews have such a hard time in Russia? They couldn't get with the pogrom.
[META] question. Is there a such thing as a rhetorical joke?
I'm working on a screenplay called '127 Seconds' about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
When is your birthday? 17th January.  What year? Every year!
What do you call a Chinese millionare? Ching-Ching.
God damn it! I said "glass of juice" not "gas the jews". -Hitler
People that say "The worst kind of cut is a paper cut" probably haven't been stabbed in the face before.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? A: An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
A Scotsman walks out of a bar. ...
What's the Italian version of Preparation-H? Innuend-O
Friend said I should try new KFC sandwich. I suggested we cut out the middleman & hook me up to an IV of chicken fat.
If a proctologist works part time at KFC.... Is it still finger licking good?
Why do Jews watch porn backwards? Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins
Two guys are talking in a bar. "My wife just left me for my best friend." "Oh my! That's so bad! Since when was that dude your best friend?" "Since he left with my wife."
What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ? Fished but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !
What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom? A Trojan horse.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
A priest, a rabbi and a shaman walk into a bar The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
My niece was the victim of demonic possession FOR THE SECOND TIME. She was repossessed.
What's the square root of 69? Ate something.
Have you noticed that "LOL" has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I don't fuckinig have anything else to say".
It has just been announced that all Euro notes are to be reprinted It's being reprinted on Greece-proof paper...
I like women how I like my eggs... Whites only
I'm not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If I had a dollar for every gender there is I'd have $2
Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don't think I've ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.
[Home invasion] Me: isn't there anything ELSE you want to take? Burglar: lady I told you I'm married
So I thought I was going to buy a TV this weekend... Turns out I'm just sick of all these shitty forced puns on /r/Jokes.
Did you hear about the man who was always late? He was diagnosed with premature ejaculation. And still comes late.
Vanilla Ice is selling more records lately Guess his fans are seminemtal
What do you call it when plants bang? Floral sex.
If the tv show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from ppl with blurry faces. They always cause trouble.
Did you hear about the guy that was hospitalized with several plastic horses in his ass? His condition is stable
How many dub-step artists does it take to clean a bathtub? 100\. One to actually clean it, and 99 to talk about how dirty it is.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Why do women put on makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell bad...
Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who've pissed me off!
What do you call it when a dj gets a blowjob while he's on the air? Radiohead.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back. Are you raising an army for Mordor?
What do you call porn with thailandese chickens? Hentai. (Hen Thai)
How can you get a cannibal to go away? Give him the finger.
What do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together? Carbon Dating.
Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.
It's not what man can create it's what man can become.
Dictinry for sell. Never use.
If you love someone, set them free. When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
What did the pizza man say to Jay Garrick? Hi, I'm Jay Garrick.
If European in the bathroom, who's the guy on the floor? Himalayan
I asked a North Korean how his life was going... He said "can't complain."
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? an Envelope EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke
If you want a successful marriage, marry a dictionary. Sex always comes before yardwork and anal comes before responsibility!
You can't keep two ducks alone together It's a paradox.
Somewhere there's a sheep named LL Wool J. & that's what keeps me going you guys.
How I learned to stop worrying and be anxious about different stuff instead while still worrying about the first thing.
Don't say "lets get weird" on our date then get freaked out I'm dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.
I wouldn't step onto a plane with thrust issues.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won't give you more than you can handle.
What kind of watch does Germs Bond wear? An Amoeba.
Politics in Pakistan You don't cast your vote. You vote your caste.
Passionate kiss is like spider web leads to undoing of fly.
What is the most popular brand of Indian vodka? Patel One.
flavor flav's full name is flavor flavor
What is Trump's favorite book? 50 Shades of Grey: the story of a billionaire dominating and fucking a dumb American.
What's the difference between LSD and LDS (Latter Day Saints)? one you take with a sugar cube, the other with a grain of salt :P
If I say "I don't know, let me look", I'm really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you're on hold.
When I make you breakfast in bed, the least you can say is thank you. I mean what's with all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense?
What are Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Theresa May doing in a room together? ...playing bridge.
My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam. I told her, "Yeah, it's haram, bae."
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
What happened to the horse that ate a duracell battery? He went on furlong-er.
Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.
What do you get when you cross Batman with Mountain Dew? Dew diligance
ME: "I don't like this movie." HIM: "We are at a funeral." ME: "Who directed this?" HIM: "A bear attack." ME: "Never heard of him."
If I worked for the tribune... ... do you think I'd make the papers?
TRUMP: I'm gonna lose, huh? RYAN: Yes. [silence] TRUMP: Thank God. RYAN: I know TRUMP: I'd be SO bad at it RYAN: We literally all might die
If Chris Brown played Quidditch, what position would he play? Beater
You're so ugly... your birth certificate is a letter of apology.
I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!
People don't realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.
I feel like life would be so much more enjoyable if punching bags and pinatas were strategically placed throughout the day
What did the spider say to the bee ? Your honey or your life !
Top 3 questions asked by my parents: 3) How's the business? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Advice My brother came to me for advice concerning a major career change. All I could telll him was, "Take the shot. Lincoln did."
What did the scientist who got attacked by sodium chloride say? That's a salt!
What did the Italian bloodsucker say on his first date? I'm no Cassa Nova, but I've been called a Roman tic.
I met a refugee on the train today. "What country are you from?", I asked. "Iraq", he replied. "How did you escape?" i ran.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Evening commute One inch of snow will do this to you in DC
Does the carpet match the drapes? Nope, I've got hardwood.
*puts on strapless bra *takes an extra Prozac
What's a catalyst? It's how a farmer keeps track of his cows.
"Sorry I'm late! Was pointlessly checking the same 6 websites over & over again & lost track of time!" - Honest Aziz Explaining Tardiness
Every time I think I've got the perfect family they escape.
Tonight, I watched someone ruin over 20 years of sobriety. It was a shitshow. But, in her defense, you only turn 21 once.
What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter? Harry Potter escapes the chamber
What candy do you give your wife before you get married? Pre-nup brittle.
Why don't black people make good calculus problems (warning: racist) Because they'll never be integrated.
To all new iPad owners. When you masturbate in front of your new device, make sure to put some porn on its screen to avoid embarrassment.
My girlfriend won't give me road head... She says she won't willing participate in sex trafficking.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my dog I can make my dog come
Why do cats chase birds ? For a lark !
Why did the farmer cross the road? He was fucking the chicken.
Where do super-villains get their coffee? DUN-DUN-DUUUNNNNkin Donuts.
Why did the guitar teacher go to jail? He fingered a minor
Why didn't the girl go into the haunted house? She didn't have the balls.
Who is a presents favorite quarterback? Tim TeBOW
How did the geometry teach kill himself? He used a hypote-"noose"
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY DOESN'T EXIST Q: How do you know that Keira Knightley doesn't exist? A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds.
I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I'm not allowed back inside that hospital :(
My kids don't even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
My girlfriend said I should work on my foreplay. But now I'm at the range she won't stop phoning me.
What does Saddam Hussein and little Miss Moffat have in common? They both had curds/Kurds in their whey/way!
What do both Hitler and Trump say to people they hate? YOU'RE FIRED!
How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one to hold it in place while the rest of Europe runs circles around it.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor
[first day as a coroner] me: he died at 11:42AM detective: are you positive me: it's hard with all this death but i'm hanging in there
Did I miss something? Kermit has a new gf and Miss Piggy is seeing David Cameron?
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way ? She was tickled to death !
A snake walks into a bar And the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore... I'm moving the fridge to my room.
Looking in the mirror trying to grow up the nerve to ask my true love out. I hope I say yes.
What did one orphan say to the other? Robin get in the Bat mobile.
[walking down street with date after dinner] him: i had a great time me: yep... [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I liked a friend's Instagram photo 3 seconds after they posted it and now have to spend my entire life proving to them I'm not a total loser
I want to die like my Grandpa: peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming like everyone else in the car.
I found a chocolate bar down the side of the sofa but I didn't celebrate because it was my old club.
What does NASCAR really stand for? Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
If I tell you I can't text you because I'm driving it's only because I'm also eating.
How come the dog never finished his game? He was stuck on paws. Forgive me reddit senpai
Everyone has something they do after sex like taking a shower. I just get out of my uncles car, and cry all the way home.
My kid spilled milk in the back of my car last week ... Now I tell people it has a stinky dairy-air.
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support quick or people are going to think we're nuts.
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. If you didn't like it then you shoulda melted cheese on it.
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul Me: *thinks back to the time I "experimented" in college* I'll take 27 bottles please
[KK] Broken pencil Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? ... nevermind, there's no point
Why did Luke Skywalker never really know his father? Because he was a child of da'force
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I'm forty. I have one.
How Moses makes his tea? Hebrews it.
You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do... Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well.
A patriotic needle said: Don't thread on me.
I wanna go out I wanna come in I wanna go out I wanna come in I wanna go out I wanna come in -My dog, all day long.
What type of clothing does a House wear? Address.
So I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live yesterday.... Sadly he spends all his time on the dashboard
I wanted to tell a science joke. But I figured it'd be too quarky.
This weather girl is giving the weather report and her titties are blocking the state of Texas. #LoneStartitties
A conversation between two strangers in a diner... Man #1: You know, without the mustache you'd look just like my first wife. Man #2: I don't have a mustache! Man #1: She did.
How many gay dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A whole buttload of them.
"I like my women like i like my eggs...." Whites only. (or millions of other one-word punchlines, depending on how dark you want to go.) "Fertilized" "Beat" "Rotten" "xtra-large"
What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry ? A gooseberry is green !
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Why was the homeless man unsuccessful at stand-up comedy? Because his jokes were always in poor taste ..
What do you call a redneck virgin? A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers
What is the most popular Canadian poultry restaurant? Chic-fil, eh?
Heard this while at a Canadian airport. Lady: We're going to the states for a few days. Oldman: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Lady: Why not? Oldman: It's full of Americans.
Guess what? Chicken butt
all this spending on black friday... better pay your electricity bill first or next friday will be black friday too
Wished my wife a 'Happy Valentine's ay!' I'll give her the D later.
Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One" I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."
What denomination are the coins in Super Mario Bros? They're dollar coins, because a quarter is two bits, which means a dollar is 8 bits.
On V-day I broke my girl's heart... She was a bloody mess...
What do you call a gay Russian? erosexual
Q: What is the difference between Windows 95  and Windows 98?  A: 3 years
What's the second to last thing the redneck said before he died? Shit, I can do that.. What about the last thing? Look, I'm doing it!!!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Wurlitzer and a photocopier? A: A reproductive organ.
Hey girl, are you an acid? Because you're definitely (aq)-tie.
Rooney and Iniesta meet at the airport of Rio ...suddenly Pirlo appears and asks "What are you guys doing here?" - "Just waiting for Ronaldo"
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
What happens when you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans The black ones steal your watch
Dear Dreamworks, How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon
What did Santa Clause give all the naughty boys and girls for Christmas this year? He made them Batman.
Has oido hablar de ese pais con la guerra civil? No te rias. Es seria!
Turns out I'm addicted to refigerated poultry. I've gotta quit cold turkey.
How do find the blind man at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
What did the utahraptor say as Wonder Woman tried to beat him up? Di, no!
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay" Mom: *staring at dad Dad: ...*clenches fists Mom: ...don't! Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter
"This website requires Java" *gets cup of coffee* "This website requires Java" *looks at coffee* *throws coffee at monitor*
What does Axl Rose do before he prays? Gets down on his SHA-NA-NA-NA-NA-KNEES!? KNEES!
I wrote a poem about the NFL It has 32 offensive lines.
I work to buy a car to go to work.
First Caribou: Which bug gobbles up  trash? Second Caribou: The litterbug.
Next time you're at the gym close your eyes. It sounds like you're in a porno..
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My friend David lost his ID... Now we just call him Dav.
A man walks into a library and says... ..."I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."
Got an IPad from my black friend... And it runs faster.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Similarity between a feminist and a gun? They are both loud when triggered.
You're really limiting yourself if you think sexual harassment is the only way to make your coworkers uncomfortable
I stole some vegetables today I was out doing the grocery shopping earlier when I realised I really needed a piss. So I took a leek.
I was having a look... In my mothers bedroom the other day and I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in her wardrobe. I couldn't believe it... My mothers a superhero!!!!!
What do cows like on their hotdogs? MOOstard.
Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain ? To stop getting wet !
Why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (x-post from ImGoingToHellForThis) It was having a mid-life crisis.
What is the best way to hunt bear ? With your clothes off.
I dated a lesbian who thought she might be bi, but I was afraid to make the first move. Felt like a pussy the first time she kissed me.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I feel sorry for homeless gay people They have no closet to come out of
when it's april 2nd and she still pregnant
Did you hear about the first deaf man to be sent into Space? He didn't either
Waiter my lunch is talking to me ! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich !
Two antenna got married.... ... the reception was amazing.
*invents time machine* *goes to 1930 germany* *points guns at young hitler* What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what he wants with an ex box I'll never know.
Why don't we drink chicken milk? It tastes fowl.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
What's the difference between a troll and a goblin? I never come home to find my wife troll up some guys nuts!
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress. They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that's a side issue.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room because its black
If your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...
Did you hear about the blind woman in a gangbang? She didn't know what came over her.
What do you call an Extraterrestrial from Melbourne? An Australien.
There are two kinds of people. Those who admit they pee in the shower, and goddamn liars.
Three Paddys
If you had a 14 inch penis growing out of your forehead how much of it could you see? None because you would have two balls in your eyes.
Why did Hitler kill himself? He got the gas bill.
I think Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Do old people wear boxers or briefs? Depends.
When can women make you a millionaire? When you're a billionaire
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
"Oh my god! That guy's dead! Oh wait, he's totally fine." (someone watching soccer for the first time)
To all the people saying I have fat fingers... FYVK OFF
A man gets into an argument with his wife... ...and wins.
Thank God Wolverine isn't italian...
Obama used the race card. Hillary used the woman card. America used the Trump card.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Arizona ! Arizona who ? Arizona room for one of us in this town !
I hope I will get a girlfriend before I die. It turns out I get an eternal life
Why is (or isn't) it okay to make jokes about rape?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with "Buy a penguin". Imagine a scenario where that isn't awesome.
Why's Prince George great at measuring out 6 inches? Because he's a little ruler.
I'm just a girl. Standing in front of a girl. Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I think Jesus is black. Because he's supposed to be our father and hasn't come back yet.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? a canoe tips.
Why was six afraid of the rhetorical question?
The seven dwarves were sitting around... The seven dwarves were sitting around feeling Happy. Happy left, then they were all fucking Grumpy.
What's the difference between eating pussy and smoking a cigarette? The taste changes the closer you get to the butt. *what do they have in common. soz about that
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.
What did the Hebrew's call it when they stopped receiving mana every morning? mana-pause
I like to thanks my fingers,I can always count on them,my arm,they're always by my side,and my leg for always supporting me
What did the penis say to the asshole in the morning? This bowl ain't big enough for the both of us.
Couldn't eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.
Knock knock knock KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Hurry up Bobbi Kristina, I have to use the bathroom!
How are Jail and Olive Garden Similar? Free Endless Salad Tossing
Ate too much salad today so I'm going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day. How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool.
If Kanye West and Justin Beiber were drowning, and you only save one of them... What kind of a sandwich would you make?
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri "What do women want?" She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
What is the difference between light and hard? Well, you can sleep with a light on.
i enjoy Sean Connery's accent as much as the next guy... but im never going to say "sit on my face" to my girlfriend while having sex again.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I'm amazing!!
Pardon my french, other day a redditor corrected me and told me Snickering and Sniggering are almost the same word and mean near the same thing. so Knickers and... sneakers are the same also?
He said he wanted to "put more than just words in my mouth" and I was like "I hope you mean hamburgers."
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Finding girls is like playing blackjack. I always try to go for 21 but end up hitting on 14.
I went to my favorite Indian restaurant today. Got the footlong turkey on wheat.
What's the best thing about being black? Not having to listen to awful dad jokes.
What's the difference between Hillary's staff and Bill's staff? Bill's staff waited until after the election to suck.
Why did the mexican take xanax? For hispanic attacks.
If Apple made cars they would be Swedish. The car would be called the iKia.
AMA Request: Someone who has successfully committed suicide.
How'd you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later.
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Some Might Say This is the World's Funniest Joke Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
What's a reindeer's favourite celebrity? Beyonsleigh
Your mother walks into the bar It's "the" bar because she's so fat she's in every bar.
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car then it would perform illegal operations and crash.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn't that's twice the tacos for you.
Why did the cow explode? Because it was a mooooooslim.
I missed the first day of Fight Club But the second day was really enjoyable, I would recommend it.
I didn't believe women were getting their assholes bleached Then my sisters boyfriend took his hat off...
My homemade bread turned out very well, kneadless to say.
If a car is stuck in a tree with its headlights on, how many pancakes does it take to get to the moon? Zero! Snakes don't have armpits!
What is the difference between a dead hooker and spare tire? I only have one spare tire in my trunk!
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK. Rolling
Remember, when someone calls you mean... just tell them that you prefer the term average.
How did Genghis Khan conquer Mongolia? One steppe at a time.
I'm sorry you're just not NASA material "Why?" Well, you wrote 'red' then crossed it out & put 'human' under blood type on your application.
Kids so mixed... They won't show up in black and white pictures.
*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate* *smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
Why does Reddit have so many reposts? Because you already read-it.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Dear Adobe, In all the times I've been to the circus I've never seen an Acrobat Reading.
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight!
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".
For all of you claiming you have over 100 IQ. How can you possibly score over 100%? I am very pleased with my score of 79.
What did God say to the cheese that sinned? Gouda Hell.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...
Doctor and Patient. Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Condoms prevent minivans.
Remember when people used to have to be in shape to wear tank tops?
a hot girl asked me what came first, the chicken or the egg? I answered truthfully " it's usually me".
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year ME: what the hell are you talking about
One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we're 85% less scared of him.
What's the difference between Jacob Sartorious and Hitler? Hitler knows when to kill himself.
Have you ever had SEX while camping? I heard it's Fucking in tents!
So after the subreddit banning went down, I texted Ellen Pao asking if this was some sort of a joke. She responded "Im SRS"
Why do you never touch the red dot on an Indian person's forehead? They will self destruct
I'm only gay for Jesus.
I swear skinny people without butts eat the most... They're bottomless!
Why do women fake orgasms? they think we care!
Robot Nerves Why are robots never afraid? Because they have nerves of steel
Old one but...A Priest, A rapist and a Pedophile walk into a bar... He orders a beer!
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.
Got a lifetime ban from Best Buy today... Apparently we have very different definitions of 1080 pee.
*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*
Feeling pretty tough after some dodgy Indian takeaway last night If anyone needs me, I'll be vindaloo.
Don't keep grudges, let everything aside and give a good hug to your enemies!!! ...when you are really sick
Tonight's special: Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings $105 - Fancy restaurants
free toilet paper samples at sams club today. everyones wiping their slopped up holes in the middle of the aisle. its disgusting
Their are only three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who cant.
Hacking is like gay sex... you enter a backdoor hoping there are no logs.
What does an aardvark use when he has a cold? An ant-ihistamine!
My new Toyota is going to be in a new movie . . . Just a small part. It's just a Camryo.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, "well, that got racist pretty fast" and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Patient: Doctor, please can you help me out?Doctor: Yes, you may make your way out the same way you come in. -
I told my wife last night that I need to get "Bed Insurance" That way I could some 'basic coverage.'
I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes... The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
What do you call a disappointing white wine? Prosecc-oh...
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?
Sluts should be called "Humpty Dumpty" because first they get humped then they get dumped.
I'm not a racist! Racism is a crime. *...and...* Only Black people commit crimes.
The leg rests have taken over! Fear the Ottoman Empire!
A man tried to sell me a casket today.. I told him that's the last thing I need.
Which president was famous for his long pauses? Ellipsis S. Grant.
What If When You Die They Ask You "How Was Heaven?"
Why are girls so odd? they can't even
Did ya hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field
Whats the difference between puberty and prostitution? One is caused by hormones and one causes whore moans
My dog: wasn't me Me: I know My dog: honest It wasn't me Me: it's ok really My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
What do male Jews say when they see an attractive female? Challah at your boy
Wanna know what makes me smile? Face muscles.
If my work did a 'fireman' style calendar, I'd probably get stuck with Mr... Photographer
I met a really unfriendly Christian outside the church the other day. Told me to call him Mr Bale and shut the fuck up during filming.
A girl asked me for a dick pic. I told her sorry, my phone doesn't take panoramic pics.
People who say that they don't have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.
Hey, did you hear about the road paver who got fired? He couldn't even.
I was standing at a urinal taking a leak when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my right was Michael J. Fox...bad day to wear sandals.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
50 shades - only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
What do you need to teach a blonde who never had an accident in 20 years? Second gear.
I heard this song by the Righteous Brothers I cant remember what its called, but it was off the chain
A well timed "Have a good day!" can be a great substitute for "F*ck you!" in almost every situation.
Michael J. Fox Got into a Car Accident Recently... He was really shaken up about it.
Why do polo bears like bald men ?  Because they have a great white bear place !
A Halloween Limerick A lady vampire named Mable Had a period that was awfully stable. So once a full moon She took out her spoon And drank herself under the table.
Hey baby, if I supply the voltage and you some resistance, imagine the current we can make together.
Dorito its life. I was eating doritos and my nouse started itching out of nowhere so i picked my nouse and now all i smell its doritos
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's a bit heavy, the others a little lighter.
When I was a kid I put paper in an oven to get it to burn... ...but the knob only went up to 450 degrees Fahrenheit.
"Wow, that was a very good sandwich." - Liam Neeson, at some point, probably
all restaurants are drive-thru if you drive hard enough
My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.
I want a flatscreen so big that I can't tell where TV begins and real life ends.
Thinking outside the box is dangerous... Because that's where all the cats leave their poo.
Ladies, I adore you, but some of you need to cover up your t*ts and read a book
Quit calling me to the front of the store to claim my lost child! Drop her in the lost & found and I'll get her when I'm ready.
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition And was promptly left in embarrassment when he realized that he'd severely misunderstood the objective.
Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.
I woke up and found Sarah Jessica Parkers head in my bed. I guess I pissed off the mafia.
i asked "where" I work in a hospital. I once asked a confused patient if she had pain. She said yes. I said "Where?" She said, "San Diego."
Why did the bodybuilder go to the vet? Because his pythons were sick
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then I saw her arguing with him about money. Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Want to hear a joke about UDP? Never mind. you won't get it, and I won't care
I am a 60 year old stuck in an 8 year old body . I want to break free . I should've used more lube.
Why do black people have nightmares? One had a dream and died
How can you tell someone is vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you
i have a little piece of wood i like to gently hit my wifes breasts with.... its a mammary stick.
Which four-member rock group doesn't sing or play music? Mount Rushmore.
lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE'S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
What's great about Trumps' little hands? Objects may appear larger when being held.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I once took a ski away from an Eskimo... Then he dressed in black and got real depressed
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied "No, you got that from your mother". :(
So I decided to be a nude model for a local art class... they didn't ask me to do it, and I am starting to get weird looks.
How do you tell if someone's an introvert? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Why you don't ask grandma sex questions I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
As a man of faith, I am upset about the trend of dirty jokes on this subreddit All I'm saying is let's keep it age appropriate for pillow talk here at the rectory.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and everyone knew, you were still out shopping, yes, it sucks to be you.
guy walks into a bar... bar eats 'im.
What do you call a high person with Downs Syndrome? A baked potato.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
'50 shades of gray' -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Parenthood teaches us that "Blue's Clues" and "Booze Cruise" sound alike for a reason.
What do you call a cow with a missing leg? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What is spidermas favourite type of rice Uncle Ben's
I've seen in war movies where women have to smother their crying babies to get them to be quiet so how come never on an airplane?
How did the urologist ruin his Christmas? [OC] He looked inside Santa's sack.
I googled your mom and got a virus. For all the "your mom" jokesters out there. Just made that one up.
Maybe raccoons aren't really digging through trash for food, Maybe they're just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
WINSTON CHURCHILL: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: "Yeah... and sharks"
My Grandfather died in the holocaust... ...he got drunk and fell off a watch tower. I remember NOFX said this when I went to see them can't take credit.
You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits.
Did you hear about the deaths from bird flu? They were all chicken
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a  butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
I don't have enough milk for my Cocoa Puffs. Buddha was right. Life is suffering.
I was helping Animal Control round up a stray dog today, and was hoping to get credit for the catch. But he got the collar.
What is a good opening bridge bid for the Presidential Election? One no-Trump. Literally a Dad joke. From my literal Dad.
A naked woman robbed a bank today... When authorities asked about the culprit no one could remember her face
How many friend-Zoned Guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just compliment it and then get pissed off when it wont screw.
What did the jews not like about the Holocaust? The caust
the crow was calling my name thought cah
Confucius say man who run in front of car... ...get tired.
"Guess what!" "What?" "I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!" "Oh I love that dance move!" "It's a dance move?"
What did the little black kid get on his SAT's? Barbecue sauce.
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench A man walks up in a trenchcoat and flashes them. The first lady has a stroke, the second lady couldn't quite reach.
My dog would not stop digging a hole. so when he died we berried him in the holes he was digging. he was a wired dog he was!!!!!
How does a black woman fight crime? She has an abortion.
What do you call an Indian and an Asian's baby? A Curryean --- I know Indians are Asian, I felt that stating Korean earlier in the joke would make it worse...worser.
Why didn't Cinderella makes the Soccer Team? She kept running away from the ball
Please don't tell me about your methods of increasing drag on your car It would be a spoiler alert
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
I couldn't figure out why someone was brushing their teeth out here at work, then it hit me... My wife always brushes after sucking cock too!
Did you hear about the penny and magnifying glass who got married? Their wedding was magnifycent.
Bucks vs. Falcons REPORTER: Lovie, can you say something about your team's execution tonight? LOVIE SMITH: I think it would be a good idea!
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
I told my parents to vote for Trump... So I wouldn't have to take Spanish in high school
[Fixed] They say when you shave it, it grows back thicker. That explains what happened to those pounds my wife "shaved off."
What do you call a prostitute that has been kidnapped? A whorestage
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A fish.
I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
I feel like a million bucks today.. Seriously, how do I get rid of this erection? I'm getting worried.
What is a pirate's favorite TV show? EEEEEE-YARRRRRRRR
There was a new machine at the gym... After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...
It's a shame that the Woman in Pakistan got stoned... ...but Jihad it coming.
Teacher: Didn't you know the bell had gone? Fred: I didn't take it Miss.
What do you call an empty field? The french army at the beginning of a war!
Knock Knock Who's there? Allah Allah who? *Boom*
I hate it when I bite into an apple & then realize "Whoops!" it's a salmon...
i bet cough drops were invented before candy, because if they were invented after then they'd be called candy.
How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday? They bring flowers to his grave.
That awkward moment when you're digging a hole to hide a body, and you find another body #truestory
Why do women talk non-stop? Because they don't like periods.
A dyslexic man... Walks into a bra
Emmanuel Lubezki walks into a bar and orders one shot.
What's gray and comes in quarts? An elephant
I went to see a Topless Ventriloquist last weekend. She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.
What's your favorite thing about earth? It's just got such a great atmosphere.
How do you know that you are a redditor? I'll tell you tomorrow.
Why is the grass greener in Ireland, than it is in England? It's because we are all over here in England, walking on your grass.
What does a gang member do when he arrives at work first thing in the morning? He Glocks in
Copper is highly conductive of electricity. Does that make it "powermetal?"
Electric Trains Q: What do electric trains and boobs have in common? A: They're both meant for small children, but it's the grown men that end up playing with them.
Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator It was wrong on so many levels.
I would never cheat in a relationship because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Where can you find tetraplegics? Where you left them.
*brings a gun to a knife fight* *brings a gun to a pillow fight* *brings a gun to a food fight* who keeps inviting this guy
Three tomatoes are walking down the street... A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato starts falling behind so the papa tomato squishes him and says, Ketchup!
Canada. Because I love being cold 95% of my life.
"Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous" "I see a lot of new faces in here this week and i just have to say I'm really disappointed"
Recent Scientific Discovery: Diarrhea Is Genetic. It runs in your genes.
How do Jews celebrate Christmas? They put parking meters on the roof
Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I'm gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355 Bring ice cream too
What do you call a golf club in the rear of your car? A backseat driver
Why was the little drop of ink so sad? Because his father was in the pen, and he didn't know how long the sentence was!
Looks like a wonderful day to do all the nothing I have planned.
I bought a Female Golden retriever and named her Sophia... Because she's my Golden Girl.
*interrupts planning of heist* Where are we going for dinner after the robbery
I got my eyes on you One eye, talking to a another eye, say "I don't know about you but something between us smells"
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King didn't wrap his Whopper.
90% of parenting is waiting for the other parent to do something about it.
Do you know what is laziness? Laziness is the art of taking rest before getting tired. lol
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who  got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts so she had his  name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?
How do you put a condom on a elephant? You take the c out of ice and the f out of weigh.
Lois: "I saw Batman yesterday. He's put on a lot of weight" Clark: *lowers glasses* "More like Fat- Lois: "Oh my god it's Superman"
Did you hear about the beaver who went to the bar but forgot his wallet because he'd just shape-shifted from another water mammal? He says to the bartender "I must've left it in my otter pants."
Holocaust jokes are tasteless, anne frankly, you people should be ashamed of yourselves.
Tomorrow I'm opening the time capsule I buried as a kid. Can't wait to see how big my puppy got.
Did you hear about the gay midget? He was a little quiet.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
You know what happens when you assume? You make a smug asshole recite a tired cliche to you and me.
Men might stare at your tits and ass, but women buy a latex mold of a pen*s and keep it in their drawer. Who's creepy now?
Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing ? Because they're crab apples !
Why did the zookeeper take a piss on the seel? He couldn't hold it.
Treat me like a joke, and I'll leave you like it's funny.
Why do graveyards have fences? Cause everyone's dying to get in!
PSA: This year, lets refrain from the 'I haven't taken a shower since last year!' jokes. Please and thank you.
I get all my cardio from sex.... That's why I'm so fat.
so that's the reason Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
I was going to make a joke about blind people but I do not want to offend anyone on reddit.
[meeting a couple at dog park] "BARK BARK!" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. [Credit Jack Handy, I believe]
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I named my vagina "TARDIS". It's bigger on the inside.
Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub? A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Make sure to pay your Exorcist on time, because otherwise... ...They'll repossess your home.
Two rednecks are having sex -"Who's your daddy!! Who's your daddy!!" -"You are."
What's the difference between OP and eggs? Eggs actually get laid.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anne ! Anne who ? Anne apple just fell on my head !
People that study meteors are called weatherologists
How can you tell a girl has been masturbating on her period You catch her red handed
What's a feminist favorite ship? A CENSORSHIP
*first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!
I used to do drugs... I still do em, but I used to too. RIP Mitch Hedberg
I make rabbit tuxedos for a living. I'm a hare-dresser.
What does R. Kelly have in common with Malaysian Airlines? They both think they can fly.
If you want to use excessive force and get away with it too. Just join your local police force.
Some Days I Wake Up Grumpy Some days I let him sleep.
I jumped on the wrong subway this morning and ended up in the outskirts of Narnia. Just fought off a horde of crack fauns.
All my coworkers are having fruit breaks. I didn't bring a fruit, so I'll just go hang with the gay guy in the reception.
So, I was waiting for my dad at the bar for a reunion He walks in and asks "Hey son, how's it going with the ladies?". "Its not the going with the ladies I care about , it's the coming".
My phone just "autocorrected" the word 'Dicks' to the word 'Sucks'... Yeah. it gets it.
A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
Girl and Boy Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
What did the match box say to the match? You're fired!
Women are kinda like engines. You gotta show them a little TLC to get all your money's worth out of them, and every now you have to choke them to get them to turnover.
A man walks into a music store and asks the assistant "I have really enjoyed Beethoven's Concerto. Have you got some of his earlier work, concertA to concertN?"
How do you stop an Italian from talking? Cut their hands off.
Why does MLK only get one day, while sharks get an entire week? I guess it's because they're great whites...
If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I'm not going to jelly my dick down your throat!
How did a hipster burn his mouth? Drank his coffee before it was cool
The wife told her husband "look at your neighbour everyday he kisses his wife before going to work, why don't you do the same ?", he says " I would, but would she accept ?"
Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.
How much do the potatoes cost? "How much do the potatoes cost?" - "2.50" - "And the bag" - "The bag is free" - "Ok, give me the bag"
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book] STRANGER: a stunning genius
What is the hardest part of watching an orphanage burn down? My dick.
Have you heard the one about the single lady and the hitman? probably not, the punchline is a dead miss.
A cowboy walks up to an Indian(Native American) and ties the Indian's dick in a knot. The Indian says, "how come?"
Why are some people so afraid of second dipping when they probably put their mouths on someone's genital before?
You're sweeter than 3.14
If babies named Todd don't call themselves "The Toddler" then what's the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
my dad didn't let me date untill i was pregnant...
Did you hear about the 2 Dish antennas that fell in love and got married? The service was terrible but the reception was OK when it wasn't raining.
A Muslim woman goes to a hairdresser
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.
Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?  Because she wanted to sleep like a log.
Why did ISIS throw the gay prostitute off the roof? He didn't bring in enough Jihadi Johns
Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.
According to daytime tv commercials..just by being alive, you may entitled to compensation from somebody and a lawyer is there to get paid
At what time does Sean Connery like to watch the Williams sisters play? Tennish.
what did the horny man say to his girlfriend? let's have sex
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
Never drink water while studying It'll dilute your concentration
People say money is not the key to happiness But with enough money, you can have a key made.
I'll never get a dog, but if I had to I'd the kind that doesn't have its butthole displayed too prominently.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
What did the atheist fisherman say when asked about his catch? There is no cod
What happened to the religious idol when it was put up at auction? It was sold to the highest Buddha.
What's similar between an old lady's vagina and an apple pie? You've got to bite through the crust to get to the cream inside Happy Valentine's day everyone ;)
My Blonde wife just said to me "Do men call it a penis 'cause it pees and goes in us?"
Have you read the autobiography of the guy with two functioning penises? I don't know, I thought he came across as two cocky.
People who continually put the toilet paper roll in backwards are evolutionary dead-ends, like the Neanderthal.
If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things... I would choose the ladder.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire] hmmm [tastes remnants] i think i'll call it... Twizzlers
Most offensive one liner joke I know.. So I was eating this bitch out the other day and I tasted horse semen so I looked up and said, "Ooooooh grandma that's how you died."
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees
Can you take a bath if you have diarrhea? Yes, if you have enough.
GOODBYE WORK COMPUTER HELLO HOME COMPUTER
I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission.... I never should have given dad my username.
To the woman that told her husband to "bite my ballsack" at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
What do you say to a black guy with a job? Keep at it, inmate!
Good news: It works the other way around. I entered "internal bleeding" & "unconscious" in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose. Phew.
What do you call a Psychic Compromise? A Happy Medium. Sorry, a played around with the wording of this a lot and couldn't find anything better. Please suggest a better phrasing.
A termite walks into a bar And asks ," Is the bar tender here?
I can speak more than one vagina I'm bicunnilingual
How do you make an archaeologist mad? Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.
Tough Monday, guys. Had to fire Guadalupe for putting two left-footed socks together. Heavy heart because she basically raised me.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay cw: don't u collect human teeth?? me: yeah but they're not my teeth
If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.
What did A say to B about : and D? They seem happy when they are together - :D
A ram walks into a whorehouse "Can I get a woman?" "No, fuck ewe."
Just once...one time; can't we buy a tree that doesn't try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite coordination? HAND-EYYYYEEEEE-EEEE-IIIII!!!
You know, Hitler must have been a pretty great artist. There are a ton of museums dedicated to his work, after all.
You're leaving Twitter? For good? That's too bad. We'll miss you. See you next week!
What does a kite and a stoner have in common? They're both high.
I just won $1,000,000, and I've decided to give a quarter to charity. Now I have $999,999.75.
Don't date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he'll still be a man, and you'll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I like my women like I like whiskey... ...12 years old and mixed up in coke
"Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we're giving you up for adoption."
How is pussy like veal? It tastes sweeter the younger it is.
Schroedinger's theory of attraction 1. Be attractive 2. Don't be attractive
Uma Thurman just got gender reassignment surgery. They're calling it 'the three-inch punch'
Made this one up today: How do you stop joint pain? Turn it around.
An app that tells you how Raven something is.
I almost had a threesome today I just needed 2 more girls
In what kind of accident will you lose both your hands and your eyes? An accident you cant quite come to grips with because you never saw it coming.
Kendall Jenner walks into a restaurant, the concierge greets her by saying 'Good evening, Miss Jenner.' She responds 'Please, call me Kendall...' '...Miss Jenner is my father.'
I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I don't like to go to funerals I'm just not a mourning person.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Wrong womam or wrong finger? Funny Joke A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
What do you call an old joke which someone has put on r/jokes ? A historepost.
What do you call a blind German? A nat-zee
Boss left his email open. Me: *looks around, send email to district manager "i love you" Now we wait
Did you hear of the 2 thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY
What do you call a Jewish man's scrotum? Goldman Sachs
A German boy band that plays some insane classical stuff. Bachstreet Boys
I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes. It was probably over a stolen tweet.
What do you get when you turn 4 blondes upside down? 4 brunettes
I avoid checking my bank account. I just don't need that negativity in my life.
Statistics show that for every two people Chuck Norris killed, he impregnated one.
Shocked to see Gravity win a special effects award. Thought it was actually filmed in space
Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.
Cash grant After helping his mom over the weekend, a boy receives a $50 bill from his mom as a reward. He goes to school on Monday and declares: "I just got a cash Grant!" wa..wa..waaaaaa
After eating four cans of alphabet soup I had a huge vowel movement. Ba-dum tss
'Here's a good book' said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. 'How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead.' 'No thank you' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's got two heads already. . .'
What do you call a cinema in Jamiaca? A cinemon
What is Hitler's favorite drink? concentrated jews
What's Hitler's favorite weather? Heil
(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I'd like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me. Barista: That will be $30 Me: How much for the car behind him?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures...
2 guys walk into a bar... ... the third one ducks.
How does a West Virginia mother know when her daughter is on her period? Her son's dick tastes funny
Have you heard about the new pirate movie? All the producers have Hook Noses #racistdadjoke
When I'm Sad.. I sing, then realize my voice is worse than my problems.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: "Toast"
What does a zombie conductor say? Traaaains.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby 2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
In person it's lying, but in texting, you can just call it a typo.
Why were the sandwich fillers eyes too close together? Because he was in-bread.
Online shopping. My wife was complaining that i shop too much online and that i had to send some shit back where it came from. So i have sent her back to Thailand.
My grocery list tells the story: limes, beer, TP, creamer, donuts, batteries, excedrin, a life.
Teacher: You're here to learn.  Me: No bitch, I'm here because my mum wouldn't let me stay home.
Did you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcision? He only took tips
What does a mod do in their spare time? [Deleted]
Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it "Who Gives A Fuk"
I met a girl who didn't like dried fruit. Well I certainly couldn't interest her in a date.
"Is this a card?" -the vague street magician
So I asked my North Korean friend how it was there... he said he couldn't complain.
I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour. And call it Obsessive Disorders Control.
A beggar attacked me with a frying pan... ... he was arrested for panhandling.
A surgeon was put on trial for sewing several people's genitals to their faces. When asked why he would commit such a heinous crime he replied "Eh, just to fuck with their heads."
Wanna hear a bird joke?! I don't have one... This is hawkward.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after "someone" threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I've always been corny... When I was born, there were three storks. One to deliver me and two to fend off the crows.
Yo mama's so fat That when she walked past the the tv I missed three episodes.
A priest and a rabbi see a 9-year-old boy walk by The priest says "Should we fuck him?" "Out of what?" the Rabbi replies
one of these days, johnny depp's scarves are going to rise up and destroy him
What do you call a monkey named James that's afraid of everything? Jim-pansy
Q: Where is the world's fastest chicken from? A: Ethiopia!
You wanna know how to intrigue someone? I'll tell you tomorrow.
What do members of secret societies use when they get a head cold? An Illumi-neti pot
People who call themselves "grammar Nazis" deserve the worst possible sentence.
The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.
What's black, blue, and hates sex? The five year old boy in my basement.
A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"
What do you call a group of Amish children? Amlets. (I'll see myself out)
The platypus has to be the WEIRDEST looking animal I've ever gotten pregnant.
An SQL query walks into a bar ... Walks up to two tables and says: "CAN I JOIN YOU?"; ---- ^^^Sequel ^^^to ^^^this ^^^joke ^^^coming ^^^soon
If you were a stand-up comic, and you're doing a show for a family at a funeral. What would you're opening line be? Like outrageous, dark, funny whatever let's hear!
Rockstar has pretty much confirmed it's making a new Red Dead ... ... Grand Theft Auto V dlc with new customizable skins inspired by attire in the famous western-themed game.
What do you get when you scare a tree? Petrified wood.
I met Josh Pec the other day... I met Josh Pec the other day, he's such a boob.
Did you hear about the Ethiopian man that fell into an alligator pit? They say he ate 7 alligators before they could drag him out of there.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS! GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I was listening to music and dropped my computer into the ocean... Guess now it's A Dell Rolling in the Deep
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she's a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Can't quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.
The groom upon his engagement went to his  father and said "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied "So what do you want from me sympathy?"
Recent studies have shown that people who have hands larger than their face is a sign of intelligence. Wait, crap, I need to be there in person for this to work.
I don't have enough confidence in plumbing to get a drink of water from the faucet while the toilet is flushing.
Why did the criminal hide in the roof? It was very Con-Ceiling.
Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period... so I had to pull some strings.
Ferguson? What about Fergdudaughter? Must have Asian parents.
If you're in an indoor shooting range and it starts burning down, what do you yell to warn everyone ?
A car is just a very small room with wheels
Redditors will get this. Replayed jokes.
How can you tell if a dictionary has been working out? You can see the definition.
The only thing that stands between you and your goal is **Internet**
"What's a VCR?" My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person who has ever lived. I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.
Oral sex makes your day Anal sex makes your hole weak
if a rabbit's foot brings good luck then, what happened to the rabbit?
How do you describe someone who has a boner when they are at their workplace? Hard at work
If I had a nickel... If I had a nickel for every economics test I passed, I'd have 7 cents.
Why did the dog run into the corner every time the door bell rang? because he is a Boxer
Why do blondes have more fun? They're easier to find in the dark.
I still remember my grandfathers last words to me "stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"
There's nothing a "Baby On Board" sticker says that the Honda Odyssey it's on doesn't already say.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
"You're not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why." - Magazines
I got sick from a fist bump it's the first confirmed case of ebrola
What does a cow's fart smell like? dairy-air
Teacher: What is can't short for ? Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut !
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter escaped the Chamber.
How do you get a drummer off your doorstep? You pay for the pizza.
I named my son "Tennis" but he doesn't mind being bullied about it. He's a good sport really.
A strange sense of humor. Surprisingly, but the long walks on the moor very breathtakingly.
The word politics is derived from two words The word poly meaning many and the word ticks meaning blood sucking parasite.
Telling people my costume is Obama's birth certificate. If they say I have no costume, I fucking explain the facts to that racist fuckbag.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don't visit you!
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken ME: So what happens now? D: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I made homemade soup with the immersion blender, mostly so that I have something to talk about for the next five days.
I just paid 400 for a cup. What a mug.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel] Date: The wine is lovely great choice Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If God wanted to impress me with his 'miracles' he would've impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
in high school i dated a girl that pronounced the L in Salmon. last i heard of her she was doing meth
What Do You Call Adrian Peterson Playing Baseball? A switch hitter.
Clinton fan: Emails? That's all you've got? Me: She sold the Saudis the jets that are massacring Yemenis Clinton fan: Emails? That's all you
Don't judge me until you've scrolled a mile through my meme collection
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Q: Why do blondes stand under light bulbs? A: It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.
What do you call a homosexual wizard who isn't Albus Dumbledore? Gayndalf The Gay
Why did the artist go to the bakery? For shortening!
I heard my neighbour was stealing everyone else's Viagras... That was kind of a dick move.
My date asked me to tell her a Star Trek joke.... ...and I said "Who do you think I am, CleVar Burton?"
What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the Flinstones and people from Abu Dhabi Doo!
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[hotel] wife: I'm gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks* me: Ok! *wife comes out in lingerie* wife: What'd you pick? me: Space Jam
Baby if you were a fruit - you'd be a fine-apple. But if you were a vegetable, I'd visit you in hospital.
Friend: "Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married." ME: "Wow! when?" Friend: "Me on 27th April and she on 14th June."
me: this MAN thinks he's ENTITLED to my time! hey buddy i don't OWE you anything!! my boss: do you...know how jobs work
Dear santa... Dear santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer.
What do a pornstar and Godzilla have in common? They've both swallowed boatloads of seamen.
Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes? Because they take everything literally.
My phone got married last week. The service was good despite the lousy reception.
PILOT: if you look out the window you'll see we're cruising at 35,000 feet [i look out the window] [THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Oldie.....Mexico will never win an Olympic medal in swimming or track and field..... ... because every Mexican who can run, jump or swim lives in the United States.
Hear about that guy who was so desperate for accolades that he framed his parking citation?
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business.
I got drunk and woke up in the gutter. This is my sewer side note.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS3 in return.
Why doesn't Kirk like to have one-night stands? Because the girls always cling on him afterwards.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world... People who can read binary and those who can't.
Just think if the kids that made Frosty the Snowman brought two carrots that day.
At least Stevie wonder was faithful, he never saw any other women during his marriage.
What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds .......not counting the urn!
Before kids: I'd choose going blind over going deaf. After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I have emotional constipation I haven't given a shit in years!
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
How do weathermen get up a mountain? They climate.
Where do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. (thanks grandma)
What did Moses say when he wanted to see through his door? Let my peephole grow!
Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Football Manager. In my defence, I've got Dani Alves, Kompany, Vidic and Lahm.
How do you make a hormone? Kick her in the gut!
How do you get a drummer off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero, they will just beat the room for being black.
It's pretty hard when you're a kid and you learn that a dodecahedron is a shape with 12 sides and not a dinosaur.
What do you call a Mexican who is high? A Baked Bean!
Remember when you were a kid and used to blow bubbles? He was askin' about you the other day.
Do you have FB? No Do you have Twitter? No Instagram? No What do you have? A life. ... ... Can I have it? No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows.
Why did the smart phone eat a lot? It had a big APPetite
A policeman pulled me over today after my wife fell out of the car... He said "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of your car?" I said " Oh thank god! I thought I had gone deaf."
My new thesaurus is terrible in fact I'd go as far to say that it's terrible
Them: We're concerned about you. We think you're a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee] Me: No thanks. I'm trying not to eat between males
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? The pilot you racist assholes.
How do you get over Trump's wall? With the help of a Trumpoline.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do you call a black dinosaur? A Tyroneosaurus Rex.
What happens when batman takes viagra? The dark knight rises
Why do Hipsters wear long pants in the summer They are doing it before it's cool
Floppy disks are like Jesus... .. they died to become the icon of saving.
What is the difference between a Muslim baby and a Christian baby? Their parents.
I hate my new hair cut. Hopefully it will grow on me.
A communist a spy and a chinese walk into a bar He orders a drink.
I heard that there were a couple of jokes in the Bible, so I went to look for one myself... I found one in Genesis, but it wasn't that funny; it was the oldest joke in the book.
[comes home from store] Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale? Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI's.
Bought a Clap-On Clap-Off light for my bedroom Nearly gave the hooker a seizure during a rough session.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Fuck! I forgot to bring my reusable bag to Whole Foods. People are throwing rocks. I'm bleeding. Send help.
You only live once, so don't forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
If babies wouldn't cry.. ..there would be no need for fleshlights.
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
They all laughed when I told them I'm going to be a comedian... well...they are not laughing anymore!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiance is reading her wedding vows*
What does Bill Clinton's presidency and Hillary Clinton's future presidency have in common? Weiners got them both in trouble but in the end nobody really cared.
Why are there no black people in clue? Because then it wouldn't be a mystery.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says "everyone be cool! Act normal!" Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Do lady beavers call their vaginas a "me"? No. Because they're ladies.
What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn? Beep Repaired I'll show myself out.
Usain Bolt runs at 31mph which sounds good, but if he hits a child there's a 40% chance they'll die.
So I heard the workers in the Twin Towers tried to have chocolate delivered to them by drone. Asking for an Air Kraft wasn't one of their better ideas.
*el chapo dies* God: okay I'm gonna have to send you to hell Chapo: ok *3 weeks later* Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell
Adults have imaginary friends too... his name is God.
Yo dawg, we heard you like Batman So we killed your parents
Knock knock... **Knock Knock** Who's there? **Interrupting Cow.** Interrupting Cow who? **Moo...... FUCK!**
Have you heard about that hot Thai lounge singer? Yeah. They call him *Frank Sriracha.*
Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
"My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine..." And then? "Cheese." Mmmm and then? "You close the door from outside."
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Cyberpunk Barbie ...includes 'trodes and implants
Mexicans won't get this Rights.
"It got weird, didn't it? " *Leaves on a pogo stick.*
What does it mean when the Post Office flag is flying at half-staff? They are hiring.
A sad time in a dad's life is when your son finally dunks on you so you have to cut his hamstring while he sleeps so he can't do it again
How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb? None. They just move out of the house.
"Hey Russell, You Want to Win Another Super Bowl?" Wilson: "Nah, I'll pass." Just saw this on Facebook.
What do you call a large bread disco? [deleted]
Spinach is like butt sex... If you are forced to have it as a child, you aren't going to enjoy it as an adult.
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls... One of them says, "man, I wish I could do that!" The other says, "well, maybe you should pet him first."
I must have an amazing butt because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, "What an Ass!"
What do women and KFC have in common? One you are finished with the breast and the thighs, you still have a greasy box to put your bone
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning...gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
On a hot day, what did the pig say to the other pig after he came back from the car? "It's bacon in there!"
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it... I'm gonna miss that baby...
Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Neighbor: If you don't stay out of my heating duct I'm calling the cops.
Which US national park is most welcoming to Hebrews? Yosemite!
I'm "friends with beneficiaries" years old.
Why isn't a dime worth as much today as it  used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Don't be a vegetarian ! It's a big missteak
Say what you will about Kombucha... ...It's just not my cup of tea.
- Adele's baby starts to cry - Adele sings the baby a lullaby - baby cries more, but now for different reasons
What happens to garlic sauce over time? The sausages.
Why is dog man's best friend? They keep the mailman away from his wife
When you aren't sure what somebody said so you just smile and hope it wasn't a question.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership] i feel like you're overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
What's the most prominent religion in Canada? Jemima's Witnesses.
Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT...but wouldn't even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?
You don't work  you don't have money to live, you work  there's no time to live.
[flirting at Taco Bell] Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help. [seconds later] Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
What does an atheist yell during sex? Oh, nothing!
I prefer posting memes over jokes They just meme more to me Im so sorry this was terrible
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes
Why do penguins eat fish? Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.
Just got a nosebleed. Thank God my head isn't pregnant!
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back* Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a farmer, his daughter, a horse, a black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"
Did you hear about that psychic who performed self-immolation in public today? It's rare to see a medium well done.
Finally thought of a retort to my bro's friend who kicked me from his car in 1998 I don't need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride
"you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live" -how dad signs my birthday cards
Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together? The air hockey table. All our bathrooms have one.
It seems like instead of "say cheese," photographers in the olden days were like, "everything is meaningless."
What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf that recently broke out of prison? A small medium at large. (One of my sister's favourites)
I don't have to be attractive. I am an asshole. Women swarm to me.
""Dammit I'm Mad" is spelled the same way backwards. Think about it."
Did you hear about the most recent FIFA scandal? Turns out Lionel was a little Messi in his financial records.
I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way... So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.
You know you're old when You see your favorite pornstar under the milf category
What career is a perfect ten? Forensics
Why do hipsters hate ice skating? They could never do it before it was cool
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived. Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I don't even know how to read a digital clock I can only tell the time on the ones with the hands
If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.
I always watch the credits at the end of a movie just to see if there's a chance I got drunk and stumbled onto the set.
What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
My girlfriend wants a chest freezer for Christmas... I said "Why? It's cold as tits outside already!"
What is the safest place in the galaxy? In the direct line of fire of a Storm Trooper.
-i am going to hell for this "That's a sexy little outfit you're wearing," I said. "I bet you want my cock in you." "Dave," my wife said, "do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?"
What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? "Well doggone !"
I once tried to pick up a lady with a sausage joke.. ..I don't think it could have gone any wurst
Which is Bernie Sanders' dominant hand? His left one
Only 3 living beings are immune to cold: 1)Polar bears 2)Penguins . And. . . . 3)Females wear!ng sleeveless &amp; backless in winter parties.
what do you call a gay dyslexic? a dyxlixic
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can't say no because they're my husband & children.
What do you get if you cross a Fish and an Elephant? Swimming Trunks.
What do you call the wafers you eat at church? Jeez-its
Did anyone hear about the fat priest? He never exorcised.
How does Justin Bieber remove a condom? He farts
Why did the piglets get in trouble in their  stained glass class? They stained it with mud.
"Super Mario, come quick! Bowser kidnapped the princess!" -That fucking coward! I'll kill him! Which way did he go? -He went to the left. -**Goddammit!!!**
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 'ate' 9. (it's all about delivery) (it's more of a riddle than a 'joke' per se, but funny nonetheless)
What is a Mexicans closing sales pitch? Kay-so-deal-a?
I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish
"The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something & totally make up the source." ~ Abraham Lincoln, 1862
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood a man is already there.
Why couldn't Germany win a world war? Because they'd Russia lot
A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first? The lawnmower.
There's nothing like shaving off your beard to remind everybody why your face needed a beard.
My lucky number is 17 so I'm really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I'll have to change my lucky number again.
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? She caused frequent blue-screens and IRQ time-out errors.
My three-year-old daughter said to me, "You should go back to college to learn more about being nice."
English teachers put more thought into novels than the authors do.
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction! !!!!
You should take care of your nipples. They may not seem important now, but when you die, that's where the angels grab you.
What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock? Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.
What do you call a dog that can't hear? Doesn't matter much, does it?
Poor Will... He gets fired at a lot.
A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.
i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith thank god i was dragged out by the smiths
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Why was Peter Pan a bad boxer? His punches Neverland.
Walentine's Day When your woman decides to give the gift you really wanted.
The are only 3 kinds of people. The ones who can count. And the ones who can't.
Ken Cross' AMA That's it.
Why do melons always have traditional weddings? They cantaloupe.
Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the bathtub.
What's black and white and red all over? A dead zebra.
It's odd how they name storms, but they don't name calms. There's a gentle breeze this morning. I think I'll call him Doug.
Note to self: "rubber" in the US does NOT mean "eraser". Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!
Mum is it true my baby sister came from Heaven? Yes that's right. Well I don't blame God for chucking her out.
What is Spiderman's perfect job? A web designer. ^^^^^sorry!
Have you seen my LSD? No but have you seen the Dragon in the kitchen?
I tried to do A minor once... But my fingers were to short to reach it on the keyboard
"Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It's just air!" Exactly "What?" It's inflation "I hate you"
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish and you feed him for the rest of his life.
What do you call a black man flying an aeroplane?... ... a pilot, you racist fuck
England vs USA. Loser gets New Jersey.
Scientists detected gravitational waves directly for the first time Your mom's gonna get half the Nobel prize.
(OC) What did the auditors say to the South American shopkeeper? Hello, I'm here to Peru-se your inventory.
I've never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Don't ask me if I have a safety pin if you're going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
What do you call a man with no feet and is allergic to milk? Lack-toes intolerant
DAE ever wonder if Andy would be disappointed in OP for not delivering? I went for corny.
I don't understand why everyone is mad at Lance Armstrong... Like I give him props... Have you ever tried biking before on drugs? It's fucking hard.
What is the difference between the hot girl at work and the one at home? You can assign tasks to the first kind!
Doctor: How's your headache? Patient: She's out of town.
You had me at "various dipping sauces"
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
I think Australians are obsessed with true information. They keep telling me to "get fact".
How do you catch a Swedish fish? With a gummy worm as bait
It's so damn hot outside... I called my ex so I could be around something shady.
How did the flea learn to use the  internet? He had to start from scratch.
What's the difference between my wife and a dead baby? I didn't kill the baby for not shutting the fuck up.
What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze? Cashew
What do you call someone with brown hair and a red beard? "Chin"ger
A priest, a rabbi, two penguins, a giraffe, and an elephant walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Do you know why I hate drinking with blind people? They can't handle their liquor--They always black out
[date] Her: "Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I'm a sagittarius, what are you?" Me: *halfway out the door* "Educated."
ME: I'm not voting for anyone CLINTON: that's a vote for Trump! TRUMP: that's a vote for Clinton! ME: looks like I'm voting twice then
Why should you always knock before opening the refrigerator? Because there might be an Italian dressing.
So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse? Flattery is hard.
Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows? Because at last he was in the noose.
Sadly.. ..some frogs have been known to Kermit suicide
Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital? ''Doctor Dolittle.'' EDIT: The doctor off that movie that talks to the animals.
I think tomorrow I'm going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
What are the similarities between Cocaine and Gain detergent? A:With both of them you go sniff sniff hooray!
What do you call a ghost that loves soccer? Ghoooooooooooooouuull!
What would you have if all autos in the US were painted pink? A Pink Car Nation!
The USA just beat Germany 2-0 Just like the score for the World Wars.
Jewish football What's the worst part about having an all Jewish football team?  You have to replace the whole team every time they take a shower
Why do blondes like blonde jokes? It makes them feel popular.
Why must you be religious to join the Navy? Because it's a place of war ship.
Woman are so emotional *throws a garbage can through my tv because a hockey team lost*
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, For you, no charge!
I can't fall asleep right now, I'm too busy counting how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now.
What do you call someone who takes everything literally? A kleptomaniac!
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I'm tweeting
*1st time at gym* *picks up weight* how do i equip this *steps on treadmill* can i get exp on here *taps huge guy* do you sell mana potions
"Why do bad things happen to good people?" To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Why did I divide sin by tan? just cos.
Don't know why some countries have food problems If you're Hungary you could pour Greece over Turkey and fry it in Japan.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a Lightbulb? **One.** **Germans are very efficient and not very funny.** *Source: My co-worker.* *I'm German and I approve this message.*
I went to the doctor with a hearing problem He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
#ThoughtsInMyHead 1. How much wine can a cat drink? 2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat? 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?
7 for a Taken 3 ticket, 3 for a drink, 5 for doritos... ...The only thing they've taken is the piss.
So my cousin has bieber fever... Or as it's medically known, Down Syndrome.
My father thinks himself an expert at cutting through busy sidewalks. I consider his ability rather pedestrian.
What do you call a minion that falls on a grill? Filet mignon
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker? They say he had locomotives.
How do you become president of Russia? You gotta Put-in the hours
I used to be a halogen Then I took a proton to the Ne.
What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window.
Why can't redheads get drunk? Because they only drink Ginger Ale.
There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Sad news. The end of a one-legged man I know is afoot.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactoes
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
Did you hear about the guy who designed the monorail? He had a one track mind.
How do you stop the dog trying to hump your leg? Suck his dick.
What do you call an Hispanic gentleman who drives a hybrid car? A green bean.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
NSFW What is little, red and crawling up a womans leg? A failed abortion with homesickness.
If seagulls fly over the sea,what flies over the bay? Bagels. Ha.
Came up with this when I was 8, have mercy. What do you call a crazy person on the moon? A lunartic.
What would you guys like to ask an American? Nevermind they'll just tell you anyway
What is the one thing you don't give to a Jewish kindergartner? A gold star.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? because its too far to walk!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.
With all of this technology, you would think we would have exercise equipment that simulated scenes from Jurassic Park to  actually motivate my ass to run.
I'm sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Break ups are the worst in China You see her face everywhere
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Strokin-off
Why should you never stand behind Elsa from Frozen? You never know when she'll Let it Go.
The living can't communicate with the dead, that's just seance fiction
I've decided to teach postcolonial theory instead of seventeenth-century poetry. Because, you know, easier Said than Donne.
Did you hear about the two gay basketball players? They went head to head.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? I lost my tractor.
what do you call a Chinese person with down syndrome? Som ting wong
What was Thriller really about? A negromancer.
Why don't Chinese people roll 12lb balls down wooden lanes to knock over pins? Because to them it's boring.
What does a Pirate say on his 80th Birthday? Aye Matey!
What's Fonzie's favorite indefinite article? Ehhhhhh!
Did you hear about the man who died in a bowl of muesli He got pulled under by a strong currant
Put the punchline in the title How do you ruin a perfectly good joke?
So, I was at work the other day and... My manager asked, "How good are you at PowerPoint?" I said, "I Excel at it." He replied, "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?" I was like, "Word."
Why was Helen Keller so good at fingering herself? She was good reading lips.
Question about storytelling. If I stand on stage, with four spotlights behind me, no matter how I tell the story, is everything I do going to be four - shadowed?
If you're American, when are you not American? When European. Or when you're Russian. Any more? :)
One day, my mother barged into my room and screamed, "Turn off that gangsta rap music!" I was listening to Lecrae...
What confuses a gay person Seven
I like my women how i like my Internet. Fast and Cheap.
Most people prefer quilts over duvets but you shouldn't make blanket statements.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? a gun only has one trigger
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Trampoline Joke Do you know they used to be called Jumpolines before your mom got on it?
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending I'll see myself out
What is green and has four wheels? Grass; I lied about the wheels.
Why shouldn't Hellen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.
I met an Indian girl who doesn't date Indian guys... When I asked her why, she said "uhhh no real reason". I'm thinking, "no reason, huh?" So I punched her in the face. Now she has a reason.
If Shrek can find love, so can you.
Did you know I am part of the 1% of Rare, Beautiful, handsome and modest people!
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. They're efficient and don't have humour.
What is the Pillsbury doughboy's wife's favorite snack? Doughnuts.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered six offender
Why do christians avoid trigonometry ? because there is alot of sin going on.
If attacked by a mob of clowns Go for the juggler
what does my dad and christmas crackers have in common? they show up once a year to make me cringe with their dad jokes, and then give me a shitty gift.
Damn girl, are you a condom? Because after I get you off my D, I never want to see you again.
5th grade teacher: "You have more wrong answers than your whole class combined. I have never seen one person make so many mistakes." Student: "Well... not *one* person. My dad helped me too."
How was copper wire invented? two Jews were fighting over a penny
A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide... ...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ? French press
What is black, autist and takes about 9 months to grow. Non of your concern.
What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You stop milking a cow after 10 years.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
The popularity of origami has increased ten fold.
"Tell me" said the hiker to the local farmer "will this pathway take me to the main road?" "No sir" replied the farmer "you'll have to go by yourself!"
What does Shaggy ask himself when he's in a bind? What would Scooby doo?
Why didn't the elephant eat the banana?
What does the ISIS member say about telling good jokes? "It's all in the execution."
I know I'm in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
What did the cow say after hearing butcher's joke? You are killin' me man!
What do a walrus and tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
Dentist: open Me: *opens* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: that's it, now come in and take a seat
I like to tell people "it's a black thing, you wouldn't understand."And they'd be all "but you're white" I told ya you wouldn't understand.
What's the worst kind of media? chlamydia
I saw a Bible study once. It did really well on the exam.
COMPUTER CHAT What did one computer say to the other? 010101101010101010101
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Did you hear about the bacterial outbreak in the office? They said it was a staff infection.
What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.
Whats the smartest thing to come out of a womans mouth? Albert Einsteins cock
If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. ba dum tsss
What is the origin of the word "Boob"? The "B" is the aerial view, the "oo" is the front view, the "b" is the side view.
What letter should you avoid? The letter A because it makes men mean.
What do you call a singing laptop? A dell
What does Tupperware and a sealion have in common? They both like a tight seal.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality. Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place. Boss: ....?
Two fish were in a tank One of them turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"
What kind of car does a rich shepherd drive? A Lamb-orghini!
How can you tell if you have a high sperm-count? if she has to chew before swallowing.
*Detective stands over murder victim* This looks like a case of... *Takes off sunglasses* *Removes contacts* *Brushes teeth* *Goes to bed*
My ex says he's dating someone new but according to his Instagram she's a sandwich
Skywritten letters: SUSAN I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I know this guy who watches Fist of the North Star........ AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA! BUMBADUMBAAAAAAA (I'm really sorry)
America has to stop all this violence overseas so we can focus on doing nothing to stop violence back here in America.
If it looks like a duck, Sounds like a cat, And walks like robot, You took too many pain killers.
dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
How many plug-in air fresheners does it take to mask the decay of human flesh? I'm asking for for a friend.
What sex position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mom. (Sorry if this has already been posted)
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I fucking hate repeating myself.
HELP ME I'M CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE nevermind I'm good.
Sarah Palin isn't racist. Some of her white friends' best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I burnt my Hawaiian Pizza last night. Must use Aloha setting.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If a tree farm is planted next to a cornfield ... and over time grows to steal sunlight from the cornfield, would that be farmed robbery?
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer! What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eye-deer!
The only 'B' word you should ever call a woman is "beautiful"... ...because bitches love it when you call them "beautiful"
My wife keeps telling me to stop drinking I tell her to stop lying, there is no way she can see through 2 black eyes.
Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts association, Nice to see a lot of new faces here today.
PC Master Race
What's the difference between a gay guy and a politician? (NSFW) One will screw you in the asshole The other is an asshole screwing you
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i drive the golf carts in gta most because i was never allowed to in real life. i also stab chairs because im not allowed to do that either
[doctor walks in] there's no easy way to say this. you have [looks at clipboard] cat...cat erects? cat or racks? Sorry. I'm new.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because the octopus was well armed.
If sex were fast food, you'd have and M-shaped arch over your head.
TIL Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger. He has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.
St. Patrick's Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.
What do you call a basement full of liberals? A whine cellar.
Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? To whom.
Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
What gets bigger every time I see my wife. My wife.
Valve improving their customer service.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If You Have Never Seen A Galaxy Explode Just head to the nearest Samsung store.
What happened to the plan of starting a book club? It got shelved.
Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? To whom!
I don't do innuendos, but slipping alternative names for poo into sentences is something I do do sometimes.
Jared Fogle's defense in court. He was just trying to get off.
How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Cause it's definitely not 4. My basement is still dark &amp; I'm running out of room.
A man, his wife and a son find a genie and get 3 wishes. Son: a hamster! Dad: fuck hamster! Mom: don't fuck the hamster!
My calculus professor recently divorced his wife .. .. one day he simply told her "I'm making a you substitution".
There might be plenty of good food choices in College.. .. but you can't Top Ramen
It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Jessica Simpson in a spelling bee!
What do women and grammar Nazis have in common? One missed period is enough to freak them out.
Cashier: do you need bags? Me: do any of us NEED anything? Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too Me: plastic please
How do you make an English Muffin blush? You nook at its crannies.
Which dinosaur knew... Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words? A: The thesaurus.
What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don't understand what a flash mob actually is.
husband rock &amp; wife shock wife: I saw in my dream that you were buying a diamond ring for me. Husband: i saw you dad paying the bill........
What do you call toddlers who are dictators? Dictator Tots
Three Muslims walk into a bar... They get shot, because Islam forbids the consumption of alcohol.
Considering "Thank You" cards are a thing, I'm going to invent "No, thank YOU!" cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger? WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help ? WIFE : I use your toothbrush.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My girlfriend and I joke about which of us is more competitive. But, I joke about it waaaay more than her.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach"
"Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective" - cats
A nun was losing sleep over whether or not to take up sewing She heard it could be habit-forming
Hipsters burn their lips when they drink coffee Because they drink it before it's cool.
What animal is prone to both manic and depressive episodes? A bipolar bear.
I'm the kind of person that likes to be honest on April Fools April fools!
How do you know a cat is ready to leave? He makes a fe-line for the door.
Donald Trump has a new plan for solving the conflict of interest of him owning his business empire and being President He's going to put America into a blind trust.
If kids get their mouths washed out with soap for saying naughty words are we supposed to wash their hands for typing them?
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your mom's throat.
Sorry, Australia... Overheard my sister talking to my friend when this was said. Sis: "Do they have bush babies in Australia"? Friend: "No, but they have plenty of dead babies in the bush".
Did you hear about the French Olympic race walker who pooped his pants mid race? At least he didn't oui in them too.
How does a Syrian family have a meal? The men provide the food and the women do the cooking, leaving the children to wash up afterwards.
When someone tell me , "long time no see" i usually reply, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
Apparently I have a few "tells" when I'm angry. But I light things on fire when I'm happy too so don't pretend you know me.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself. I still prefer crack.
What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis and gonorrhea? An incurable romantic.
Why do Canadians call alcohol anonymous triple A? AA, Eh
Why couldn't Robin play cricket? Because he lost his bat, man.
Why do owners of muffler shops sleep so good at night? They're exhausted.
When life gives you lemons... Attempt to weaponize lemonade.
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia: If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead? Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding Judge: HAHA Me: HAHA *High five? Judge: Ten years with no bail
What do you call two lesbian Indians (native americans) in a canoe? Fur Traders
Did you hear about the guy who broke 17 world records while sitting on a pastry? He's on a roll!
Name Some Anti-Jokes They always are the funniest
CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig cooler?  WAITER: Sure spray him with a hose.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would've just said "OH, MY GOD, I'M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alpaca ! Alpaca who ? Alpaca picnic lunch !
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke
What's 16 centimetres long and makes every girl happy? A 500 bill.
What do you call a transparent robot? See-through P0
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they'll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
What does it sound like to shoot yourself in the foot twice? Pao! Pao!
I was at a golf course... And I asked a lady, who looked like a regular "Whats the distance between hole one and hole two?". She answered "About an inch".
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
I'm thinking of investing in a start-up company that produces religious icons. I guess you could say that I'm engaging in idol speculation.
What did the bird say in gratitude? "Thank", then it cooed.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Blind man "Hello ladies", said the blind man as he walked by the fish market.
What's the Primary Directive in a nunnery (convent) ? Lights out at nine, candles out at ten ...
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs? A condescending con descending.
I need this plant to grow. Well, water you waiting for?
Friendly advice: Don't compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
Did you hear Saudi Arabia's new slogan? Saudi Arabia the trade center of the world since our guys destroyed the last one.
what did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? aye matey
If you don't like the fire....don't tickle the dragon.
What does a nosey pepper do? I gets "jalapeno" business!
What type of missiles were used in the Movie Top Gun? "Tom" Cruise Missiles.
Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves? On their... Dramatic Paws
My Dad started singing these to me last night. Thought Reddit might appreciate them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmqP25iALtU
Farts are like kids. You love yours, but other people's are unbearable.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
On the way in a fox ran across the road ahead of me...I slowed down pretty quick cuz i knew a bunch of English dudes on horses were next...
So I heard Labour put forth a motion to build a new telescope... I guess they want to Observe-a-tory!
Racism is wrong I have never been racist before. It's wrong for anybody to be racist, it doesn't matter whether they're black, Asian, or normal.
Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman's ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Fish 24:7
I just said "Who's a little biscuit!" to a puppy tied to a signpost outside a cafe & a homeless guy a few feet away said "I am."
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to santa
I was gonna make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen but NaH
Ranchers are protesting over round hay bales. They claim that their horses aren't getting a square meal.
An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom. "Holy F**k" she screams "and you want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb?!"
Did you hear about the SJW that shot up that mall? The news put out a trigger warning.
If you're a guy who owns pantyhose, you're either a thief or sexually questionable. Either way, I don't trust you behind my back.
SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from? DAD: Well, son...when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.
What do you call a pessimistic pelican? A pelican't.
Sorry the edible underwear weren't edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, He said "here's a picture of me when I was younger." I responded "Every picture is of you when you were younger." -Mitch Hedberg
Did you hear about the man in camo underpants? Nobody saw him coming!
I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!
My girlfriend complained we don't spend enough time together. So she came up with a perfect solution... ... and broke up with me.
Why can't melons have shotgun weddings? They cantaloupe
They say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... Does that mean that the other one enjoys it?
Stupid baby keeps knocking my bong over.
I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It's not like I'm driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[opens fortune cookie] -You will have a great night "aw, that's neat, wait there's more" [unrolls note further] marish clown assassinate you
I'm raising my child to believe there were only 3 'Star Wars' movies.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Yes, in fact I DO know what it's like to bleed like crazy once a month. That's my flossing schedule.
Micromanager Knock Knock Who's there? Micromanager. Now, you say 'micromanager who?'
Every year I make a resolution to change myself... this year I am making a resolution to be myself!.....Happy new year 2013
I'm writing a book on procrastination I'm only on page 1 sadly
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza store... and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Yo mama's like bacteria ...she procreates every 30 minutes and causes diseases. (Just came in my mind a few moments ago)
Actually, until you cut into it it's chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that'd be great.
Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That's why the other countries are winning.
A man is with his wife... Just look at the first comment, the joke is probably better.
Went to Big Lots with a $100 gift certificate and they just handed me the keys to the store.
What does a shaved otter look like? Odder... Sorry
Did you hear about the guy who walked around with two pails of milk on his feet for a year? It was legendairy.
I went to the library today to get a book about conspiracies. There were none there. Coincidence?
Chivalry is so not dead. Most guys ask where you want it when they cum.
Yes he's financially stable & hasn't been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see - Women
I hate my job at the crematorium But at last I urn a paycheck.
This joke ends in a non-sequitur... ... I know, I couldn't follow it either.
waiter and customer Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
I just can't find any good doctors... EVERY one of them is still in practice.
Who was the 45th Vice President of the United States? [Warning: Gore]
Wings are the leading cause of bird flew
Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?
If Psy has a kid Does that mean he does it broken condom style? I'll just show myself out.
Chuck Norris drives a solar powered car at night.
I'd totally date you, but complaining about being single is kind of my thing and I don't really want to lose that.
I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs
Turns out it wasn't vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Why does 7 make 6 nervous? 7 is his plus one, but she's bigger than he is.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
What's the favourite flavour of sharks? Shark-o-late!
I searched deep in the anals of history and found nothing but shit... Or "The annals of history are mostly full of shit..." *maybe that can be an adage or something?
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ? They both have ornamental balls.
Open your mind before your mouth.
"Adorkable," I say nervously, looking into the bathroom mirror. "Adorkable. Adorkable." A fire erupts behind me. Zooey Deschanel emerges.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He insists he can stop at anytime.
Pretzels come in twist shape because the twist is how disappointed you are in your snack.
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? The woman in church has hope in her soul. Heard it on "The Forbidden Room" on Netflix
What do German kids play on the playground? Guten tag!
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered- Pixar: Gee it's kinda dark ...Ok a FISH is- Pix: YES.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? A.I.D.S.
*bursts into bank EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND *everyone lies down EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES *everyone closes their eyes EVERYONE NAP
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12? In case one dozen come out right.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn't eat whole rotisserie chickens?
They say best friends are hard to find: well that's cause the best ones are already mine...:)
It's been scientifically proven that women who worry are smart. I must be a freaking genius.
A short joke my GF told me My penis
I'd like to be a double agent. Or maybe a single agent/pirate. Maybe even a velociraptor. Definitely a velociraptor/pirate agent.
Just robbed a bakery I kneaded the dough.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I'm sorry, all I hear is your perfume
this joke has no title What did this joke's mother say to it? "You're not going anywhere!" geddit?
What is donald trumps biggest fear? Mexican ghosts that can walk through walls
Hi, I'm a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Doctor is rummaging through his bag looking for a pen... He pulls out a rectal thermometer instead, "Ah goddammit some asshole has my pen!"
What is the clumsiest bee? A bumbling bee.
"let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops
What did the tailor say to the fed up customer? Suit yourself.
6: Dad what's a Kardashian? Me: Nobody really knows... 6: Sounds really stupid Me: I love you
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I hate spelling errors You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
My favorite porn website changed their header to include a breast cancer awareness ribbon, so you could say I'm somewhat of an activist.
Why did the spider land on the keyboard? She wanted a new website.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? Because D shells are too big.
Wanna hear my construction joke? I'm still working on it...
What do you call a fart from a paraplegic? Inert gas.
It's so insane that humans go to dark rooms to watch humans pretend to be other humans
What did the socialists use before candles? Electricity
Boy comes home from school, tells his dad he had sex with his teacher The father grins, "that's my boy. Will you do it again?" Boy "yes, as soon as my bottom stops hurting"
Ladies, please keep it down a bit, a large group of white men are in Washington trying to sort out your birth control.
What's infinite times better than the Super Bowl? The Hyperbole
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
So many words sound the same When someone calls you from a homophone.
My friend works in a recycling facility... And they showed me around to the can recycling area, and I wasn't to happy about it. It was soda pressing.
Shrimp Why did the shrimp cross the road? To get to the other tide.
Came up with this one today How do the Russians invade the Ukraine? They rush in.
Sexual equality in the workplace I'm all for sexual equality. That's why I allow my female staff to work longer so they can earn the same as the men.
After being robbed in Paris Kim Kardashian has been silent, Kanye cancelled concerts, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians filming has been suspended...... Best gift from France ever!!!
How do you hydrate a 2 year old at Disney World? Gatorade
I wish I was an American so that I had the right to bear arms. I'd probably go for panda bear arms because awwwww, so cute.
Just got a package in the mail today... DEEZ NUTS! HAHHHHHHH GOT-EEEM
How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the people pushing it.
70% of my enemies were once my friends.
BLONDE AMBITION Q: What is every blonde's ambition? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
"There are plenty more fish in the sea."  Terrible way to console a recently-dumped environmentalist who knows overfishing means otherwise.
Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I'm texting my friends instead of talking to myself.
What's do Christians and politicians have in common? They pick and choose what they want to believe.
I heard that San Francisco had to change their team name to the 29ers this year... because 20 of them left in the offseason.
What's difference between Caitlyn Jenner and Kim Kardashian? (Offensive) Nothing, both women got famous by making a dick disappear.
Why should you never trust an atom? They make up everything
Whenever someone says "let's get weird" my first thought is "I'm already there"
I bought a boomerang from a ghost yesterday.. I know it's going to come back to haunt me!
[me as a poltergeist] *putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
what do you call dried cum? sement
Kesha got a lip tattoo that says, 'Suck It.' I'd suggest you 'Disinfect It,' 'Fumigate It,' or better yet, 'Avoid It.'
Windows 7, windows 8, windows 10, Why did they skip 9? Because, 7 8 9...
What they're actually saying is "I can't even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]"
Follow your dreams, do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life! Because they're not hiring in that field.
I have a great knock-knock joke... but you have to start it.
*Soccer Commentator* 'Adopted Children F.C. are having a great season, they might even make the playoffs this year if they can sort out their weakest position.' 'Nobody wants to be left back!'
How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house? There's a parking meter on the roof.
Capital Reward Stoners get stoned in Saudi Arabia
What do priests and McDonalds have in common? Both stick their meat into ten-year-old buns.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
What does a pirate say when they drop their scissors? Scissor me timbers!
I was gonna play Zelda via online emulator, but didn't wanna close the site I was on... ...so I clicked "open Link in New Tab".
Q: What did the cow say to the masked robber? A: Moo.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
BDSM while being dressed as a Knight is my absolute weakness. You can say that it is a Kink in my Armour.
wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote "today"*
Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking? Because it's on the house.
Wheres my dog gone? Dead in the trash
maybe babys cry bc theyve realized their potential for greatness decreases w/ each passing secomd until they die an old soul w/ lost dreams
One fun way to describe Facebook is "imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart."
A Chinese girl was pregnant at the age of 14. Her name was Sum Yong Ho.
"Look at that speed!" said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other. "You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!"
I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up exotic ways to avoid physical exercise.
What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus? A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate recission of all funding.
I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to guess what medications you're on.
Why does Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house, that's in a black neighborhood.
How do you know you're talking to a sales guy? He says "I'm not a sales guy".
What do you call three cars overtaking you in Mexico? Tres-passers.
Lauren on Facebook asks: "What's the best way to ward off ghosts?" To which I replied: "a camera."
Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
How many Vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger? Only one... if no one is looking!
What did the girl's suicide note say when she hung herself? *sings* I WANNA SWIIIING FROM THE CHANDELIERRRRRR
What country are you most likely to get a disease? GERMany.
My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me. So, who's stupid now?
My mom once told me if I jack off I'll go blind I never saw her again
A woman, a Jew, and a Hispanic walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What's this, a presidential election?"
Why did the Aggie call 911 in the  car wash?  - He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado
An Irishman walks out of a bar... It could happen
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Honey, we should really think about becoming parents. I mean, we've already had the kids.
Two Bar S truck drivers get caught in a snowstorm. Stranded for days. They cannibalize each other than eat their product.
If you can fold a fitted sheet I'm 99% sure you graduated from Hogwarts.
When I go out to eat I wear a shirt w/ a picture of me shirtless on it, because I hate rules but I like service.
A feminist is someone I could really get behind.
A Mexican Magician Performs a Trick He tells the audience he can disappear into thin air on the count of three. He says "uno"... "dos"... *poof* He disappeared without a "tres".
"I'm a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow." -everyone on Facebook
Where are the Atlantis and the lost treasures of many renowned pirates? Nobody knows.It's a well kept seacret.
I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google.. We both laughed.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
A husband says to his wife... "I killed 5 flies today. 2 were female, 3 were male." Wife asks: "How do you know?" Husband says: "2 were on the phone and 3 were on the beer can."
I got thrown out of the topless bar today... I felt like a boob...
What's Rectangle, red and bad for your teeth? A Brick!
Where do you weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of coke. But when I got home, I realised I'd picked 7 Up.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables. A cannibal.
Shower like nobody is watching.
What's the clinical name for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin.
Why did the Nazi fraulein move to Budapest? She heard there were hung Aryans.
i like how at the end of old movies it says the end' so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Difference between a nun and a nympho in a bath One has a Soul full of hope...
[Racist?] Why do all Asian kids get straight A's? Because the ones that don't are never heard from again. I'll be here all day folks.
I want to die peacefully, like my grandfather Not screaming, like the people in the bus he was driving.
In Australia what doesn't kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"
I hate when i'm trying to blow out birthday candles and little kids try to do it with me excuse u it's not ur birthday so take a step back
It's now apparently politically incorrect to say "Black paint" Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?".
What did Hellen Keller not see when she fell? ..... the floor
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
What do dyslexic sysadmins eat for breakfast? Cronflakes.
Did you hear about the auntie who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster? She kept popping out of bed
The most racist joke I know. What do you call 3 Puerto Ricans, 1 Chinese Man, and 4 black guys? A water sprinkler.
I would share a joke that my friend in prison sent me in a letter... But I don't like to quote out of con text.
I guess one thing can be said about the election... It was allright.
What does an Australian use instaed of toilet paper? Bidet, mate.
You don't even know how many public pools you can get into for free with a bunch of sunblock on your nose and a whistle.
I hate when people say "women should stay in the kitchen" ...how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?
I just bought something with money at a store. Now I'm taking it home. I guess it's true: you get what you pay for.
What fighting style does best girl use? Waifoo.
I have a joke about pizza and a broken pencil unfortunately it's cheesy and pointless
What is a hemophiliac's least favorite song? Don't stop ble-eding (The pause is necessary)
You know what my grandpa said to me right before he kicked the bucket? Hey Billy how far do you think I can kick this bucket
I called the urologist's office for an appointment for erectile dysfunction The girl at the desk (checking the calendar) "ok, let's see if we can get you in.." I said, "exactly."
What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What's 9+10? 19 you fucking dumbass
It's all fun and games until Canada is in charge of the fun and games.
Unfortunately, the house having 'period features' turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
What is a cat's favorite alcoholic beverage? Boxed wine, obviously.
At this point, it's kind of embarrassing if your pet isn't a YouTube sensation.
If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words. Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, "I should have stuck to pod racing."
Use of the word "irony" should be avoided, ironically enough.
Why are prostate exams so important? They show how much of an asshole you are
my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.
Why was the Hay Robber's prison sentence cut short? He got out on bale.
When the lights start to go out on a Fuddruckers sign it starts to be a game of cussing roulette.
What do you say when you see three whales? Whale whale whale, what do we have here?
I got completely sucked into a three hour documentary about a toad. It was ribbeting.
When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar? When he takes out the trash
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the "life of the party."
Did you hear about the narcissist who called himself Jesus Christ? He used the Lord's name in vain.
The key to a successful weight loss program is a broken jaw I'd guess.
i would rather have 4 tiny ice cream cones instead of 1 regular sized ice cream cone that is something i feel strongly about 2day thank u
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to  train Iraqi fighter pilots? A: You only have to teach them to take off.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Dear Tech Support, I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
When does a female deer need money? When she doesn't have a buck.
I'll never forget the cooking time for my supermarket brand spaghetti... 9-11 minutes
My girlfriend is reading a book about "love languages". Hers is verbal. Mine is oral.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert? Me: Not really, I'm stuffed Waiter: Ok, I'll bring the check Me: I'll have the chocolate cake.
"I'm half black and I'm trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?"
David Cameron walks into a sandwich shop with a pig... The shopkeeper says "alright dave, pulled pork ?" "No mate, she's just a friend."
Friend: "I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage." Me: "Fred or Ben?"
What do you call an intersection where a lot of Asians cross? A cross-wok.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards? Because is they fell forward they'd land in the boat.
Have you heard about that new team of women superheroes? They were Ex-Men.
I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day... I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression.
Big Ben walks up to the club like... ...what up? I got a big clock.
"Come with me if you want to live" - Great movie line, bad thing to say during sex
Did you hear about the couple of gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
What is a roosters favorite porn Hen-tai
What do you call a half Mexican half Japanese jedi master? Obi Juan Shinobi
Why does Beyonce say "to the left, to the left" Because black people have no rights.
Did you hear about the construction worker that got arrested? He was handling his wood in public.
why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can cum on its face
UPDATE: This year's most popular Halloween costume will be Slutty Chilean Miner.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you're nuts.
difference between a crow and a raven one has 4 pinion feathers and the other has 5 pinion feathers, so the difference is a matter of a pinion
You've heard of alphabet soup now get ready for Times new ramen
HP Lovecraft walks into a barn... ...A horse looks at him and says, "Why the long face?"
Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?
Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.
The difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with breast implants One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean
"WHAT DO WE WANT?!" "SELF-CONFIDENCE!" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" *everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Women are like swimming pools... ...both are too expensive for the time you spend inside...
i went to middle school with a kid named jonathan math. poor dude was HORRIBLE at math. the expectations of his last name weighed too heavy
There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Concert Problems... Kroeger: They tell me, no one knows you guys. Bono: U2.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I'm not God. I'm just a bag boy. And you'll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Who would steal an artificial leg? I'm stumped.
I almost had a heart attack when I saw a black man carrying a TV like mine. Then I remembered mine was at home working in the garden.
My daughter is getting to the age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex... yesterday she asked me: "Is that all you got?"
Let he who is without selfie cast the first stone
I shit so hard.... .... If it was an abortion it would be illegal
What's faster than a black guy running down the street with your T.V? His brother holding the VCR.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
Do dogs know about light switches? Or do they think we all just have personalities that literally light up a room?
Why are all the best Jazz musicians brown? Because they're great at scatting.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* and he disappeared without a tres.
I hate when you tell someone you're bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you're not quite that bored
Jesus must have been a champ in bed... He only came once and people all over the world are waiting for him to come again
How does Anakin Skywalker get around the Death Star? He takes the elevader. *Sith floor, please.*
These poker chips must be stale, they taste horrible.
A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps
I saw someone spill a protein shake in the gym today Whey
Donkeys kill more people annually than airplanes do. So watch your ass.
What do you get if you cross Dracula with AI  Capone? A fangster.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn't believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
How many dicks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one but he will be a real asshole about it.
What's colder than ice cream? ISIS
What do you call Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game? Homogeneous.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor? 8)
In my experience, people who say "I'm not trying to be difficult," don't really seem to be trying all that hard.
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "KGB" "KGB who?" *slap* "We will ask questions!"
[identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Why did the horse run into the bar? He didn't jump high enough.
How's my life? Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals blowing each other.
Every funeral is open-casket if you've got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
What's the difference between Vietnam and Iraq? George Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.
What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob? Dad: Ohhh yeah I do! Son: How did it taste? Dad: Get out
How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully
My parrot died today... I think its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is dying."
What do jedi hate the most? Forced jokes.
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
How long does the perfect job interview last? Exactly as long as a blowjob takes.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people's houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed
Is your cat getting enough Chinese food? The answer may surprise you. Mews at 11. NEWS. I said "news". Just like a typing human would. What.
What's older than sand? The reposts on reddit. *seriously need new jokes*
Friends invited me to a meteor shower party, but I couldn't make it. They were crushed.
I went to the local library And found out that the post apocalyptic section has been shifted to current affairs after the us elections 2016
I had a friend who was right handed but left footed... But he's all right now...
The best part of being a supervillain is the freedom to laugh maniacally at all times
I used to assume most people were bright, kind, and at least somewhat informed. Then social media was invented.
Wearing Your Wedding! A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
[nerdy] A new shoe slogan "Be happy, and you will buy Converse!"
Last week I fought for a woman's honor Apparently she wanted to keep it.
The funny thing about boobs is, if you've seen two... ...you want to see them all.
I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you cunt."
Yo mama is so fat... Yo mama is so fat She needs three extra syllables To fit in a haiku
"And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this." Revelation 4:12.
Crazy Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog.
Why are there fences around cemeteries? people are dying to get in.
What is the dankest kind of pizza? Pepe-roni
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
What do you call a muslim crocodile? An Allahgator!
Why are gametes so popular? Because sex sells!
A friend of mine collects National Geographic magazines, he really has a lot of issues.
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
My mom said that my room was really foul smelling. I told her to suck it up
Remember when we cried as kids and our parents said, "I'll give you something to cry about" We thought they were going to hit us but instead they destroyed the housing market.
"Doc," I said, "every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What's the matter with me?" "That's easy," he said. "You're exhausted."
Whenever I'm drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I'm exercising or if they know I'm hungover on laundry day.
Girl, are you an unicorn? Because I wish you were real... ...Damn I am lonely
I'm not that smart... and have no clue as to what any word means when it has more then two syllables. How will I ever shave?
What happens when a blonde wins a gold medal at the Olympics? She has it bronzed.
her: psssssssst me: ? her: psssssssssssssssssssssst me: ??? her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I always go the extra mile, which is why I was fired from Uber.
The streaker was thinking about retiring... but he decided to stick it out another year.
Did you hear about the guy who was caught hiding illegal immigrants in Prague? He got prison for caching false Czechs.
turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left
Wife walked in on me... Fucking our daughter. I don't know what she was more shocked about me fucking my daughter or the hospital allowing me to being home a still born
I told a bunch of jokes I learned from Reddit to my coworkers. One of them was inspired to make his own... What do you call a convention for Irish people with flesh-eating diseases? A Leper-Con!
Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely... It's women who make it hard.
I have a friend who has a fetish on almonds. He's fucking nuts.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.
BREAKING NEWS: hole blasted into women's restroom Officers are looking into it
What did the Officer say after arresting the crooked cook? "I just booked a cook for cooking the books."
I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that's why it's trying to get you. WE DON'T KNOW!
What kind of shrimp does Chris Brown like? Battered shrimp.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three hoes. (sorry if repost)
Who do you call if Everlast is having a heart attack? Eminem.
why wouldn't the black pencil write on the white paper? it was erase-ist
Jack and Jill went up a hill; &amp;nbsp; to have a bit of fun. &amp;nbsp; But stupid Jill forgot the pill; &amp;nbsp; and now they have a son.
"It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." "Ok, got it doo-shah."
I think the only girl I know that hasn't said "you're like a brother to me" is my sister.
You know you're ugly when you call yourself ugly and no one disagrees with you.
I can prove that every redditor can read other people's minds Other people's minds
Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?
I just won an award for my hairdressing skills. Best Newcomber
If we're all Gods children... ...what's so special about Jesus?
If u wake up on Christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth.....remember Santa only cums once a year
You're so dumb.. That if you fell into a pool full of titties, you would come out sucking your thumb.
So my homework told me to use a table to solve the equation But I already am using a table to solve it. What, should I normally do my math on the floor?!
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
What is the difference between a sandwich and a baby? I don't have sex with the sandwich before I eat it !
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I've already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
What do paper towels call their family? NapKIN
All my life, I've wanted to learn how to juggle... But I never had the balls to try
Do you want to hear a Knock Knock joke? Okay, you start it.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist fuck!
Arnold Schwarzenegger PC upgrade Few years ago someone asked Arnold Schwarzenegger to upgrade his PC to windows 7. He said I still love vista, baby
Fart Joke Why don't women fart? They don't get an arsehole until they get married!
How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who cares, because How Can Light Be Real If Our Eyes Arent Real?
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? "How many do you think it takes?"
What did the pirate say as he was sailing through Jamaica? "X marks the pot, matey."
I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow I can't wait
Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it? Because it was stationary.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10-tickles.
What did the melon say to the banana when it proposed? Yes! But we cantaloupe.
"Weather on the 1s, Traffic on the 3s, We Hate You on the 2s, 4s, 5s, 6s, 7s, 8s, 9s, 10s, 11s, and 12s."
What do you give the blonde that has everything? Penicillin.
On this planet... Every 10 seconds... there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped!
Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
"Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge ... and green!" [the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner's parents faced]
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Here's a joke for all you psychics out there...
I don't trust a restaurant that advertises "Now with more bacon!" because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I'm not sure Donald Trump is qualified to sit in an exit row on a plane
"Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
What's the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
If you are what you eat then I'm a cannibal. Ba dum tsh
Elon Musk's space travel corp. decided not to fund the recent reboot of Carrie, just because they were scared... I guess you could say it was a *Sissy SpaceX.*
My wife wants me to be her sexual advisor She said:"if I want your fucking opinion I'll ask for it"
I'm glad the Founding Fathers aren't alive today because the last thing we need are more old people driving around on the roads.
Why is brassiere singular and panties  plural?
If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.
Thank god the "S" on my keyboard doesn't work... It means I can apply for jobs and they think I'm just an ex-offender.
How ugly was she? Paper or plasic?
What do you call an American Drawing? A Yankee Doodle.
What was the blacksmith's slogan? "Shop here! You'll be Gladius you did!"
I'm tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Why did the pervert cross the road? He still had his dick in the chicken
You're right, vegetarian. Meat IS murder. ...and I'm sure no bunnies, squirrels or mice died during the harvesting of your garden salad.
Did you hear about the first time Alexander The Great went to a brothel? He came, he saw, he came.
I'm not sure what 'First World Problems' means so I tried to look it up on my phone but I can't get 3G service here and my life is horrible!
I had a sip of the Milky Way galaxy. It turns out I'm galactose intolerant.
Rival Gang Leader: Me: Rival Gang Leader's mom: [nudges son] go on Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
A ham sandwich walks into a bar... ...and asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve food here."
Buttsex is a lot like spinach If you're forced to have it as a child. You'll never enjoy it as an adult. Thank you Daniel Tosh.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could've used the word 'bloodthirsty' a little less
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't gotten the box open yet.
Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend :)
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A couple is in bed, smoking after sex. He: - According to what I saw and I felt tonight, I'm not the first. She: - Of course not, and according to what I felt, you're not even the last.
I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.
Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.
What do you call a duck that likes to steal? A Robber Ducky!
Pigs don't look very smart to me. Sure they are. You ever see a sow try to make a silk purse out of a farmer's ear?
How much do deodorant factory workers get paid? A pittance.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
What kind of house is easiest to pick up? A light house.
Why does Luigi bring an extra pair of overalls when he golfs? In case he gets a hole-in-one
What do you do when you see a penis drawn on the wall? You rub it off.
The awkward moment when you've already said "what?" three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet.
What's the first thing Aaron Hernandez learned in prison? He's not a tight end anymore ;)
What did the black man say to the white man? What the fuck is up with that orange motherfucker?
Do you want to hear a dirty, heavy, wet joke? Elephant in the mud. I'll see myself out.
1% battery..... Because I like to live on the
What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I just licked a knife.. It tasted like blood.
Why are manhole covers round? Because manholes are round
Why are blind people bad at programming? Because they can't C
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You've actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE! An enthusiastic optician throwing dozens of pairs of glasses out into a crowd.
This upcoming USA presidential election That's it... that's the punch line.
What do you call a fashion designer, who is not yet sure about his new collection? Tommy Hilfigeritout
Where do baby apes sleep? Apricots.
My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother's prospective children. I said I'll name the girl 'Denise' and the boy 'Denephew'.
How many Apple executives does it take to change a light bulb? They dont. They turn it into the hype of the new generation.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What's the prognosis, Doc? DOCTOR: You've got cancer. ME: WHAT?! DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I'm not a doctor.
What did the optical illusion say when he got caught cheating on his wife "It's not what it looks like!"
I bet cats are pissed at dogs because their name only anagrams to "tac"
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys? Here's a group of men who look better than you.. but don't even want women. You should be glad.
[Mon] Boss: Let's talk about your clothes Adam: But it's my best leaf B: You need officewear A: Understood [Tues] B: Is that a sticky note?
Sex is like CPR. Two inches at 100 beats per minute.
I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.
FYI wearing camouflage at your desk so no one sees you masturbating doesn't work.
What did the fog say to the grass? I mist you!
How many vegans does it take to... None. Nobody needs fucking vegans for anything.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.
What did the blind man say when he arrived at the fish market? "Hello, ladies."
what did the domino's pizza delivery guy say to Satan? The power of crust compels you.
I don't understand the trend of Chinese restaurants with "NO MSG!" signs. Why would I eat somewhere that I can't send texts?
Why was Skrillex never in an orchestra? Because he would always drop the bass
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Ever read Helen Keller's book? No? Neither did she.
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip? Murdered in a tunnel in Paris.
What is the difference between a goat and 9/11? You cannot milk a goat for 13 years
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? 'eleph ino.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I'd apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don't change the taste of pasta.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them. Let's all be thankful I'm not a surgeon.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold onto your nuts, this is no *ordinary* blow job!
My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone
VJ Day Because Hirohito was a cunt.
I don't understand it, my new book How to Overcome Your Addiction to Shoplifting' is sold out everywhere, yet I've not made a penny.
gingers have so many freckles.. gingers have so many freckles because they're so fair skinned... to bad they're not fair souled.
Never let your friends feel lonely! disturb them at all times!
What did the clock say to the class? Stopwatch you're doing!
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower] Oh hell yeah
You know what really grinds my gears? Friction
If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar... He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.
I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.
My favorite part of football is when players "look to God." Because He's all, "I can't do shit for the Middle East but I'm rooting for YOU."
A Scotsman walks into a bar.. ..the Welshman, Northern Irishman and the Englishman were meant to tag along but they went to the Euros.
I got a sweater for Christmas. Wish I'd gotten a screamer or a squirter.
Why do hippies have sex at music festivals? Because it is intents
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman You can unscrew a lightbulb
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Why shouldn't you put extra lettuce on your BLT? Because then you won't be able to fit into your B-E-L-T! killme.jpg
Q: What is Iraq's national bird ? A: Duck
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek'd PLEASE DON'T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I'm starting to think my neighbor is a drug dealer... for one, he has like 10 cellphones... and secondly, he sells me drugs like everyday.
what does shrek say when he falls off a boat?? if you think the answer is "ive gone ogreboard!!" you are sick and twisted & need help
I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.
My Grandad used to tell me a story about how he once saw a Polar Bear fall from a great height ...He said it was a great ice breaker *ba-dum-tschh*
Where do monkeys hang out? At the monkey bars.
Husband Bear: Honey! I'm home! Wife Bear: For God's sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
It's better to have loved and lost than be eaten by a bear.
What do you call a nun in space? Virgin Galactic
"I'd like you to meet my half sister." "Different fathers?" "Shark attack."
How do you make a dead baby float? two scoops of ice cream one scoop of dead baby root beer
What is white and disturbes your dinner? An avalanche.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Since yesterday, more than 2 million Brits have called for a new EU referendum... That's what you get when Donald Trump says you made the right choice.
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
Why is it so difficult to convict a redneck? Because they all have the same DNA and no dental records.
Getting gold is like getting laid Most of us don't.
No, you hang up first. Me to Pizza Hut
Have you heard about the midget Klan member? He was a little racist.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
The next iPhone will be without a... Screen. You can buy a wireless screen. We are removing it because it's bulky and old.
I went to my friend's new flat on the weekend for a party. He should have gotten something more 3 dimensional.
What did one Labium say to the other Labium? We were tight until that Dick came between us.
What did the mouse say when his cheese was stolen? Rats!
I can't help but feel partially responsible for the fact that you're reading this Tweet right now.
Why is there very little honey in Belgium? Because there is only one B in Belgium
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, "Thumb War" is not the answer they were looking for.
If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver.
"Ladies and Gents" That concludes our tour of the toilets
Jesus can walk on water so Jesus may be able to walk on water but who cares! Stephen hawking's runs on battery's
A man walks a little girl into the woods at night. The girl begins to tremble and says, "I'm scared." "You're scared," the man replies abrasively, "I have to walk out of here by myself."
Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31=DEC 25
Why do girls never propose Because as soon as she gets on her knees, she starts unzipping him
Timmy, you're a great son but the YouTube analytics data from our home movies show that people think you're boring so go live in the attic.
Had a dream last night.. about eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, I noticed my pillow was missing.
Are you all just gonna keep ignoring how fucked up knees look when a person is standing?
I'm not an observant Jew. You might even say I'm an oblivious Jew.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.
This guy called me "mindless". I didn't think much of it.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons: 1) They don't have a wife to go home to. 2) They have a wife to go home to.
I have the body of a 20 year old model... Unfortunately it won't fit in my freezer.
What do you call a black neurosurgeon? A Doctor you fucking racist.
I was at this party the other day and saw.... that there was no punchline.
What's white, red, black, blue, and doesn't like sex??? The 9 yr old in my trunk!!!
Good artists copy, great artists steal I wrote that.
What did Donald Trump say to the Mexicans? You're hired! But don't tell anyone.
Women's rights
fovorite irish jokes? how does an irish duck say hello... whats the quack? - this may be the worst irish joke ever... does anyone have an irish joke worse than this?
Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good? Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.
The Modern Police Force by Iris Tew
You are literally overusing literally.
I once had a job circumcising elephants. The pay sucked, but the tips were big!
A new report indicates Brazilians no longer support the 2016 Olympics They're too busy raising the team for the 2036 Special Olympics.
Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun? He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
I love timelines that are 100% unanswered tweets @ celebrities. It's like reading letters to Santa.
Thank God lent is over.... not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.
What is the difference between racism and the Chinese? Racism has many faces.
I think it's weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Cat with mental disorder The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder. She now have 45 lives.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Yoda: Clouded, your future is. Anakin: Are you smoking pot again? Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Whats the Difference between an Atheist, a Christian and a Dog? DogMa
I finally found a diet plan that works. It's called "The cost of food".
They call them "reality shows" but none of them are about drunk people scrolling through meaningless crap on the internet all night.
How do you circumcuse a whale? You send four skin divers down to it
Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart? He had loved in vein.
A girl asked me if I would like to see her pussy... ...and then she showed me her cat!
"LOYO!" -Yoda
What's a wolf's favorite breakfast food? A wolffle.
What is steam? Its what you get when you put water on my mixtape
Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.
How can a blind person tell if they're home? They check the architexture.
The president of EA walks into a bar For $2 you can download the punchline
I was so hungry when I had breakfast today. It was the first time I had ate all year!
Oi, shower curtain - nobody likes you, we just tolerate you. Stop going in for a hug.
What do you call fake excrement? Shampoo.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.
What do you call a deaf gynaecologist? A lip reader
If a tree falls on a woman and there's no one around to hear it... then what was a tree doing in the kitchen?
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
A time traveler walks into a bar... The bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here." The time traveler looks at the bartender and says "it's about time!"
Police were called to a day care Toddler was resisting a rest.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing. "Check, mate." "Naw mate, that's just a check." "That's what I said. Check, mate"
A man walks into a bar. He then says "ouch."
I used to be a banker...... but then I got fired.
I saw a homeless man and gave him $1.00. I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
I don't know why China wants to continue the One China policy... I mean, the One Child policy didn't turn out too well.
What kind of bees produce milk? Boo bees
New dating app for German Catholic Priests Kinder
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: We need some ham. Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday. Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
How many people do the cops need to kill in order to start a riot? 3/5ths
What do you call a horny dog??? Nothing. So he doesn't come...
How do fat women defy physics? Because the heavier they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What do you call a French hooker in Pakistan? Lahore
Did you hear about the blacksmith that was arrested for creating iron calligraphy? He was charged with forging signatures.
Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . . They gave me their baby.
Yes, I am having meat on Friday. I won't tell God if you don't.
I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.
Once you go Black Eyed Peas... You never go Back Eyed Peas Source:LJW9
Fock spelling.
Why did Bob get fired from his job at the dildo factory? Because he got caught sitting on the job.
You ever get off the toilet and think... Man, was I full of shit!
Why-Fi: The existential Internet connection.
Parent Tip: don't tell your child "I'm waiting, I can wait all day if I have to" unless you've actually cleared your schedule for the day.
That Awkward Moment That awkward moment when your boobs are bouncing while running..... and you're a boy.
A box full of leak detection fluid leaked all over the inside of a trailer this morning. Well, at least it worked.
What is the difference between a duck? One of it's legs are both the same.
God's recreational activity is to destroy the whole universe and create it again.
What kinda overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim
*moves heaven & earth for her* *moves more left *more left *little right *little more right *moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
My friend told me this joke about a party host who made his guests line up for juice... I can't seem to remember the entire joke, but all I know is that there was a long punch line.
Bernie Sanders is such a socialist... ...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.
Me: "This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones" "Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys"
Why do LGBT men typically have their whisker-hairs depilated? So their skin won't feel so abrucive
I like my women like I like my ice cream... Smooth, pale, cold, and recently extracted from a freezer.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn't do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn't getting paid enough.
I joined a 12-step program for people addicted to 12 step programs, Anonymous Anonymous. The 1st step is admitting you don't have a problem.
You can't spell "Schwarzenegger" without "google."
True love is when they look at you, see you're batshit insane, and love you anyway.
Saw a "Toby Keith's I Love This Bar" that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
They should make a Minecraft movie It would be a blockbuster.
You've reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message. "Hi it's the library. The book 'How to Steal Library Books' is now 1 week over...UH OH"
When Dennis Thatcher had sex with Margaret Thatcher he called it pumping iron.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don't you save some first names for the rest of us.
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating? OMg
What do a creationist and a dude with a dinosaur bone fetish have in common? They both get a hard on when they find a gap in the fossil record.
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre... so he gave it to her.
A drunk throws up on a dog.. And say.. "Jesus I don't remember eating that !"
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr. Day and St. Patricks Day? Everyone want to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.
A dyslexic robber walks into a bank... He says, "air in the hands mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!"
Your baby's got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection? Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Gay jokes are not funny Cum on guys....
The doctor told me to lose some weight. I said, "How?" He said "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?" He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."
Chinese couple climbs into bed She says, "so what should we do tonight?" He says, "how about 69?" She says, "beef and broccoli? At this hour?"
Why I never get drinks at the bar with my dog... I'm afraid of getting woofied.
Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!
*puts on sports bra* Well, that's enough exercise for today...
I used to hate facial hair... but then it grew on me.
The Oedipal complex.. It's the difference between MILF and M,ILF.
Asked my friend from North Korea how has life been going? He said he couldn't complain..
When I was born I was given two choices: The first was to have a perfect memory, and the other was to have a huge penis. Unfortunately, I can't remember which one I chose.
God must be a Republican. He wasn't that into humans until He found His Son was one.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants* DR: Ok what seems to be the problem? ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him 40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
What's the difference between tired and exhausted? When you run in front of a car, you get tired When you run behind a car, you get exhausted.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder
My girlfriend told me her head hurt. I said, "No it doesn't, I really enjoy it."
Did you hear about the fly that sat on the toilet seat? It got pissed off.
Watching Jon Stewart Feb. 4th Turd-accino, Jon really? It was right there in front of you!!!
saw license plate GODLSNS and am not sure whether it's God Listens or Godlessness. doin devil horns anyway
When someone in their 20's talks about "old people" they're talking about us.
What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Why is school in Mexico a lot harder? Because they have a lot of ese's
[at Eminem show] Cuz I am / whatever you say I am / [from crowd] "Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!" The shapeshifting continues for hours.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a  centipede ? A great walkie-talkie !
How did Donald Trump earn his millions? He started with his dad's billions.
What do you call a girl with anorexia and a yeast infection? a quarter pounder with cheese.
Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door?  Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. "
Why were the camels wearing sandals? To stop themselves sinking into the sand. Why did the ostrich stick its head in the sand? To look at the camels who forgot to put their sandals on.
Boob. B (top view) oo (front view) b (side view)
As a girl: Tinder is like a refrigerator full of food but with nothing I want to eat.
Time really flies by. Seems like only yesterday I was just a young apprentice-bater.
What did Reddit almost change their name to during the Victoria controversy? Blueit. -just thought of it, sorry its a little late to the party
I recently visited an only anal porn website, but I quickly left It was full of assholes
Who.. Plays The Guitar.. Boy: How Do i play the guitar ??? Girls: You Should be on TV for your talent. Boy: Am i so good ??..... Boy : if you were on TV, i can atleast switch it off...
funny Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: It's too far to walk.
My friend's been dating Tim Howard She told me he's a keeper.
What Einstein say when someone tried to take his beer? Nein! Mein Stein!....sorry
How many white people does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just hire a mexican to do it.
Bill Clinton is not a rapist. He just likes to "feel your pain".
Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!
"Cool, I'll check 'em out!" -my lie to any person recommending a band to me
Earlier today I walked by a PERFECTLY S-shaped dog turd & didn't tweet a photo of it so I guess what I'm saying is that I'm growin up, guys
Facebook users are roaming the streets in tears, shoving photos of themselves in people's faces and screaming 'DO YOU LIKE THIS? DO YOU??'
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Twitter would be a lot more interesting if when you hit someone with your car, you got their followers.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mugshot? A Cellfie.
Why was the waffle jealous of the pancake? The pancakes was flattered.
"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately." "Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."
Martial arts movie, starring me Master: You wish to learn to fight? Me: Yes Master: The training is very difficult Me: Oh then no The End
What does the middle and middle earth have in common They both have short hairy men that like to carry swords
My New Year's Resolution was to stop masturbating Well I guess there's always next year
I froze some paint today. Now it's just one solid color.
How can you tell God is a man? If God was a woman sperm would taste like chocolate
The three undefeated NFL teams remaining are all named after cats. the Carolina Panthers, the Cincinnati Bengals, and the New England Cheet-ahs.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn't enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Knowledge is knowing that tomatoes are a fruit Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
I like to move it move it You like to move it it
Instagram is down. Please call me so I can describe my lunch to you.
I'm officially starting my campaign next election And my slogan will be "Hindsight 2020"
Neat how we spend so much time and money on the war against pot but there are people driving around with eyelashes and antlers on their cars
How do you know if you're a bogan? You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
No checks (Czechs are welcome).
Handgun owners have a 2% increased rate of suicide. If we could get that up to 10%, Democrats stand a chance in 2020.
What did the Seattle-based baker say to her apprentice? Someday you will bake like I bake.
Why do all travelers use the road to get to Jordans most popular destination? Because they're all Petra-flied of using the air!
When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.
Two guys walk into a bar The third one ducks
Me: I can't believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year! Fridge: I don't feel well. I think I have a fever.
A word in this sentence is misspelled. Misspelled.
Just to confuse the cops, let's steal the sign pole and leave the street sign.
It's surprising how little people change Actually the process isn't that different, other than the tiny clothes
My face is very symmetrical...over the x-axis :(
What is the biggest scum-hole in the galaxy? Teddybear junction.
[campfire] ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk... TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Did you hear about the surgeon that got sacked for having sex with his patients? It's a shame really. He was a damn good vet.
Hey guys, trust me on this one, tweets aren't nearly as funny when they're being read aloud in a courtroom.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene] Princess Leia: I love you Han. Han Solo: *favs but doesn't reply*
My friend got hit with a soda can Don't worry, it was a *soft* drink! 
Why are wedding in Wales so inexpensive? The brides are already dressed in white.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican cholo and an ill tempered Irishman? ... a surprisingly stable person; according to my Homie O'Statis.
The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.
Bartender: What can I get you? Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll? Bartender: Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me? Bartender: Me: Beer.
If i were a pro wrestler my finisher would be struggling to put together an IKEA chair then smashing it on the other dude in frustration
Guide to making everyone hate you: Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Yo mama so ugly the bassilisk couldn't look her in the eye.
I like my eggs like I like my women Beaten
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Paddy and Murphy walking down the street, paddy falls over, paddy says 'Murphy, call me an ambulance' Murphy says.. PAAAADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!
What did the right butt cheek say to the left butt cheek? *"Let's get together and stop this crap!"*
Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger... But she did move to California in 1849
When does an astronaut eat his favourite meal? At launch time.
Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions? Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.
Did you hear about the steering-wheel belt? It's driving me nuts
IT:have you deleted your cookies? Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Difference between Men and Women Women may be able to fake orgasms but men can fake relationships!
i've fallen out of my fair share of windows in my time and lets be honest, glass and air look basically the same
If you're a douchebag, it's so easy to find the right hat.
Man, you gotta hand it to Dick Cheney. Or else he'll torture you.
Casual, but fun. Casual butt fun. That extra "t" can ruin your night.
"nooooooo!!!" - 20 yr old me seeing how much weed 35 yr old me brushes onto the floor to get ready for company
If I got $1 for every time people called me a racist Black people would rob me.
What do you call a Communist Sniper? A Marxman.
I have a step-ladder I've never known my biological ladder
Why don't communists ever learn? Because there are no classes.
*On my Deathbed* Me: Tell Tac.. *cough* Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?! Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..
What do you call a legend of Zelda fan theory? Head Ganon
Where does a prostitute go to rat out her pimp? To a hoe-tell.
My nine year old's yo momma joke Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up due to the noise he made snoring.
What do a gas pump nozzle and a penis have in common? No matter how much you shake them, they still leak a little bit when you try and put them away.
GROCER: slide your card ME: it didn't work GROCER: does it have a chip? ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
my family is known for always having diarrhea. i guess it runs in our jeans
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
What kind of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon!
I've had enough of my girlfriend's obsession with auctions. So I bid her farewell.
What do polite Japanese people eat? Arigatoni
I think Bernie would win for sure if he had served in the military and reached the rank of Colonel And he would be sure to get the black vote.
What am I? I have 4 eyes, hundreds of legs, and wings. What am I? A liar.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming.
Q: How do you make a witch itch? A: Take away her W.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?" *20 minutes later* Me: "No."
I Finally Chose a College Major... Me: Dad, I think I want to go to college for botany. Dad: Are you sure? What made you interested in that? Me: Well it is a growing field.
At first it was hard for me to come to terms with trainsexual Then I saw the light at the end of the tunnel
How do you kill Donald Trump? You dont, that would be a poor life decision you would most likely be imprisoned. But you get to practice your TRUMPet.
So Tiger will be back for The Masters? I was really hoping he'd wait until The Player's Championship. The man's comedic timing is terrible.
How many frat guys does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to make a t-shirt about it.
A wizard named Ifa, who became leader of the Dothraki tribe People call him Wiz-Khal-Ifa
Came up with this as a kid Why'd the dog sit in the shade? He didn't want to be a hot dog!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange. No weirdos.
I rarely watch Fox news because every time I do I feel like I'm sitting in on a very unpleasant condo board meeting
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? "Thanks, I'll never part with it."
If you ever feel like you can't do something, just remember... Suicide Squad is an Oscar nominated film.
What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday? Diego
Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter. Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.
A mushroom walks into a bar... The bartender says "get the hell out. We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom responds "aww why not? I'm a fun guy."
What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? The election year.
The doctor said I have Matchbox 20/20 vision . . . Typical RobThomatrist.
Things to get done: Make coffee, Drive a train high on cocaine, Rent a lion to eat my neighbor's dog, clean up mess from that lion thing.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what's going on and there's a lot of sex and wine drinking.
Happy Alentine's Ay For those who will not be getting the V nor D
What do you have to do to have beautiful hands? Nothing.
Not all men just want a relationship for sex. Some want their ironing done too.
Movie tickets for 4: $56 Popcorn: $16 Hot dogs: $20 Sodas: $14 Candy: $15 Parking: $5 Seeing the smiles on your family's faces: $126
How do you make tear-free soap? Don't use child labor.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized. **x-post r/ScienceHumour**
The introduction of Yoga Pants have been found to be the cause of a 0.65 drop in the GPA of Males. I dont have significant data to back this up, But i have some notes from college that show causation.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Plays tetris. Gets a circle.
What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall? Dam!
What did one pee drinker say when he surprised the other pee drinker? Urine for a treat!
What does Mr Miyagi call his cat Mr Meow'y
Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head for wanting an education and she doesn't die, how can you be sure that God is on your  side?
My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.
I'd like to live in Abu Dhabi. There's nothing like the bright lights, ritzy real estate, and an occasional public beheading.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship status to "single". I fight with my parents, and don't change my status to "orphan".
Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking intents!
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
How did the telephones get married ? In a double ring ceremony !
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can't hear.
I see wed people.
Tech Support: "Which format are the images you send?" Customer: "Rectangular 15x11 centimeters."
My boss decided to give me some more responsibility... From now on, I'm responsible for everything that goes wrong...
What did the captain of the alien mouse spaceship say when he met his first earth mouse? Take me to your Liederkranz.
What has 3 legs and 3 eyes? Three pirates
Joke of the Day A baby seal walks into a club.
The group wanted to pour some wine but unfortunately... Decant
Scientist: we've finally taught a dog Morse Code Dog: [taps paw] Me: what did it say? Scientist: "woof"
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
[at TED talk] OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor? *entire crowd stands* No a MEDICAL doctor *entire crowd sits*
Autocorrect is horrible... I'm so tired of this shirt
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space? To find Pluto.
Knock knock*** Who's there? Ask me a predictable question. Ask me a predictable question who? Okay. Very good. Thank you for your cooperation. You are very welcome.
My friend David lost his ID Now we just call him Dave
Hitler's proofreader for Mein Kampf was literally a Grammar Nazi.
Where can you find alcoholic sheep? At the BAAAAH
What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious? Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on Target
"Daddy will u tuck me in?:)" "Ok" *tucks him in* "Daddy sing me a song:)" "Ok" *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Guy comes home from work and catches his mate shagging his wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says, "fucking carry on like that, you wont have any mates left".
*Walks into school* Simon says give me your Pokemon cards Ok now close your eyes *Walks out* Kids are so dumb I didn't even say Simon says
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say 'hi.'
What is the shit you didn't see? The shit you stepped on
*doctor lifts sheet so wife can identify the body* why is he smiling? "the last thing he heard was that his blood pressure was 69 over 69"
priest: "does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?" me: "SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS" priest: [slowly closes bible]
I nearly got fired from my job as a roofer on the first day when I was caught masturbating. But my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.
What was shaken and is now stirred? Haiti.
Did you hear about the Mexican  bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.
My 5 year old told me this joke: What do you call a puppy in the desert? *A Hot Dog.* Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?
I went to my doctor without any money and begged If you fix this diarrhea I'll do you a solid.
I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
Why did Einstein cross the road? So the other side could get to him
US voters have definitively proven You can go black and then go back
Why can't you take a shower with a pokemon? Cause they'll Pikachu
Pretentious? Moi?
When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me. He was in denial.
A man walks into a bar... ... ouch
A man walks into a bar So a man walked into the bar carrying a roll of Tarmac. He orders one pint and one for the road.
I'm pretty sure my parents are getting me a sweater for Christmas, but I really would have preferred a moaner or screamer.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend &lt;3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
No, takeout goes in the front seat. You sit in the back.
Facebook is for Leaders.....Twitter is for Followers
What did people start calling the medical school that allowed animals to study medicine? The hippocampus.
I need to polish up on my flirting skills... Hej kochanie, chcesz niektore pieprzy?
You look like the grinch with plastic surgery gone wrong!
What is DNA's favourite clothing? Jeans!
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the road.. and they see a boyscout bending over. The Priest says "Man I'd screw that." and the Rabbi replies "Out of what??"
If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it's don't trust athletes with missing body parts
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
Muslims are good people because they take people around them along to meet Allah.
Guess what? Wll you just do something for me? Yeah, admit you just wiped your screen.
What do you call a machine that automatically paddles your boat? A row bot.
What is a statistician's favorite social media site? Histogram
My son just announced "I like snacks." I'm off to draft a press release.
My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy So now I have to sit down to pee.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
"Oh, really?" one man to another: A: "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman" B: "Oh, really?" A: "No, O'Reilly"
Psycho ward break They were all apprehended quiet fast. Seems they were all logged on Reddit at the same time.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Is there big money in the cattle business? So I've herd!
Where do salt lovers go to pray? [OC] The taberNaCl. (Sorry..) (X-posted to dad jokes.)
What do you get when you cross Kansas with a vulture? Carrion my wayward son
if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too
i hate when... ...when people ask me where i see myself in 5 years. come on guys, i don't have 2020 vision.
What do you call a Hungarian insect who won't leave siddhartha alone? A Buddha-pest.
Why is there no point in sending medicine to Athiopia? Because the instructions usually say: "Take after meals."
If at first you don't succeed: try management.
I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank. Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist
What's the difference between origami and a grandpa passing wind? One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What did Sir Cumference receive after getting all over the 'D'? Pi(e)
Ref: I'm sending you off Player: What for? Ref: The rest of the match!
The difference between sex and pumpkin carving? In pumpkin carving, one is trying to get all of the seeds out.
How many Mexicans will make it across the border when Trump becomes president? Juan in a million.
Did you know pigeons die after they have sex At least the one I fucked did Edit:Apparently this is not a new joke..Its new to me
What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders.
Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake? Because snakes make lots of strikes.
I refuse to be an organ donor. Mainly because I'd like to be a fully-functional zombie if I rise for the apocalypse.
If you make that Civic muffler loud enough, you can drown out your dad's voice calling you a worthless piece of crap. Almost.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as "wifey" and the hotel concierge said the password's helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into your ramen, it tastes exactly like poverty.
A friend asked me "As a young boy, was your mother very strict?" I said "Let's get one thing straight, my mother was *never* a young boy."
I was desperate for a job, so my friend offered me one as a test subject in a wind tunnel But i wasnt a fan
Yo momma so fat... She's a Reddit admin!
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture
9: "Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?" Me: "No, I got it as a gift." 9: "Well, can I have it when you die, then?"
Do you think all Asians look alike? Are you Chris Chen? No, I'm Daniel Hsu. Do you think all Asians look alike or something? No, I mean, do you believe in Jesus?
[me narrating a documentary about whales] look at these useless fat rubber sea pigs
Please Turn Off The Computer Dad's writes on son's facebook wall: Dear Son, how are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please turn off the computer and come down for dinner.
Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend? God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak. Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.
Do you guys want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, its too cheesy
An Irish wake Partying is such sweet sorrow.
I can do a great impersonation of a hipster. I'd show it to you but it's not mainstream, you probably wouldn't get it.
I went to the doctor's and he asked me for a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample... So I handed him my underwear.
What do you say to a girl with small tits? NOTHING!
ISIS just frozen water
What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach? Flop-Flops
Why does it take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb? Because, they're so darn stupid!
*steals someone's soul* *steals someone's mate* *Creates a soulmate*
Stereotype Why do brown women wear red dots on their heads? - Because they record everything. (I swear I made it up n I'm brown too)
What type of music do they play at Chinese Restaurants ? Wok n' Roll
What happens if you get human DNA in a goat? You get banned from the petting zoo.
There is a drink called sandy It's a watered down manhattan.
'Say it with flowers' Send a wreath
Q: What do a clitoris an anniversary and a  toilet have in common? A: Men usually miss all three.
I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.
6 year old: daddy look we've had a whirlpool in our house this whole time! Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off
I'm trying to convince this guy that 'jesus is the reason for the season' but loansharks have a different perspective
As a straight male, there has always been something about the gay community that blows my mind. They give the best fucking head!
Why didn't the cheese get sliced? It was destined for grater.
Someone asked me if it's true that all the women I've made love to have been depressed I said, "That depends...do you mean before or after?"
Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
What do you get if you shoot a Mexican golfer? A hole in Juan.
What do you call a dog subbing for a music teacher? A subwoofer.
A young wife was dying... She called her husband and said, "Gary, I have a confession: I've been unfaithful." Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
I fall asleep every night While browsing the chlora forum
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
Who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life? A statistician.
I'm trying to choose a Freudian therapist... ...but they're all sex of one, half a dozen of your mother.
I'm not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
What are Jehovah witnesses called in Chinese? Dind Dong
I was going to make a joke about an ass. Butt fuck it.
I've just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles... My next shit could spell disaster!
How to piss off a female archaeologist... Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
"hey jay" "sup world war" "how u doin' dragon ball" - the z family reunion
Doctor's wife was told she was terrible in bed. After coming home late, the Doctor accused her of cheating. She responded, "I wasn't out cheating, I was out getting a second opinion."
What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager.
I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'. They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.
What did the man get when he shop lifted a calander? 12 months
If you look in the mirror & say "pumpkin spice latte" 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
best funny prank pakistan you cannot stop your laughing nice one
We're probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers
If I had a penny for every Trump joke made during the election... I could be the president in 2020
"And the rest is history." -Lazy history teacher
I took a biology exam the other day. The test asked me to list two things that are commonly found in cells. Apparently blacks and mexicans was not the right answer.
Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette.
What do you do when someone has an epileptic fit in the bathtub Throw in your dirty laundry
That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75
Studies show that spying on people is good for humanity. Power to the peep-hole!
I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering "Your end is nigh, letter boy."
There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.
No, I don't want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
What do you call a Native American who graduated from med school? A doctor, you racist!
Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.
People have been on the hunt for sasquatch for some time now. Finding one has proven to be no small feat.
I like my women like my coffee... In a burlap sack, on the back of a donkey.
On a scale of 3 to orange, How octupus is your jam sandwitch?
Punchline Challenge: "And by the way, you've got a lovely home!" What's the setup ?
Why can't you trick an aborted baby? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . . That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!
What was King Arthur's favourite game ? Knights and crosses !
I like my coffee like I like my women. With out a penis.
Where do cowboys cook their meals? On the range
Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attention Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !
TIL You can see all your friends by going to /r/friends ^^'cause ^^redditors ^^definetly ^^have ^^friends...
I used to hate the Stockholm syndrome After a while however, I realized that it wasn't too bad after all.
"DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT" doc: u got lou gherrigs disease *cops barge in* ur under arrest "FOR WHAT" cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My boss said when I'm at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said "you're the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it"
Three guys walk into a bar... And their families are slowly torn apart by alcoholism. (Edit: typo pointed out by grammar Nazi)
I am suffering from Tinnitus Feminale... ... Everytime a women moves her lips, I hear a loud ringing.
"Stressed" backwards is "desserts" so chill and have that cupcake.
What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected? [removed]
four gay man walked into a bar They wanted a seat but there was only one stool. They decided to take turns sitting down until one man suggested to turn the stool upside down.
My mom asked me how my cooking final was I said it was a piece of cake :)
I would suggest that Brazil build a bridge and get over it... but given their record....
What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.
What do you call an unpleasant sand-carrying windstorm? Da Rude Sandstorm
What do you call Miley Cyrus with a gun? A shooting star
What do porn and heavy metal have in common? Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's
We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn't give up on their dreams.
Horse walks into a bar... ..Barman: "Why the long face?"
Feminazis love Game of Thrones........ Cause all men must die
Hello (Sorry for my English)
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
I hate it when people compare Freddy Mercury to God. I mean God is great and all but he's no Freddy Mercury
What is the most ironic thing a Jew can say? I want to be cremated.
Did you know that chickens die after they have sex? Well.. at least the one I had sex with did.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight. Seriously? Yeah, drunk as hell, bro. Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
At first, I wanted nothing to do with this election... ...but now I've got a Bone to pick.
"My favorite letter is X" "Why?" "Z"
We should send Uma Thurman to Japan She's good at fighting 8.8's
A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer... The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?" The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."
Are you sitting down? I don't have anything to tell you, I'm just curious.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs' nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I'm gonna let that play out first.
I asked Yoda for a two word review of Les Miserables "Lame is."
*Knock Knock* Come in.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a group of baboons and our political system? I don't know.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho's.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Why I'm leaving /r/jokes I have to go to work. I'll be back later.
Every time I make a poop joke, Dorothy Parker rolls in her grave. I should probably stop pooping there.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants The bartender says, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
Nokia But it's my Kia
The United States now has... 51 one states, 50 regular one with an ass-ter-risk Bud Dum Tss.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre "dress for the job u want, right?" then just stare at them
Want To Hear A Knock Knock Joke? 2 Guys Walk Into A Bar
What do you call a Mexican ready-meal? Dinner for Juan
I'm not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again....
What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire? It bit his neck sucked his blood and said "Who's a pretty boy then?"
I used to be a hypochondriac... But I got sick of it.
My doctor gave me a prostate exam this morning... ...I really need to find a new dentist
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
What is it with people who text and drive? I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.
"What is your reason for divorce?" She pronounces 'Kansas' like the second part of 'Arkansas'
Four out of five people enjoy gang rape you sick bastard
My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!
The Pope took mass in a false mustache recently. It was a blessing in disguise.
Most disgraceful joke I want to hear jokes that make your stomach churn, cringe, the most racist/sexist joke, jokes about absolutely everything and anything. I want them bad
Marriage? Ha. Fatherhood? Please. I rarely feel so manly as when I put together a piece of furniture and have no screws left over.
Why couldn't Jonah convert the Ninevites? Because he was too inefficient.
Ladies: this giant sunglasses shit needs to stop. I can't tell you how pretty you are when you have a goddamn Millennium Falcon on each eye.
Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Hogwart's basketball team is the worst in all the wizarding world They could only score 9 in 3 quarters.
I work in construction... We don't have side pieces, we have back hoes
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I went to buy a bag of air... They accidentally put potato chips in it.
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just arrest the light for being broke and beat the room for being black.
My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment. Props to him.
How do you sell a dog to someone hard of hearing? Get really close to their ear and shout, "DO YOU WANNA BUY A DOG?"
What did the fish say when it bumped its head? Dam.
I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall... So I said, "Screw it!"
I always shave my beard after having sex ... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.
I wish this cop would stop riding my ass, it makes me paranoid. I also wish he'd turn his sirens off and stop trying to shoot out my tires.
[BDSM] The other day I came home and found a man tied up on my bed that didn't look like my boyfriend. Whoops, wrong sub.
What does a bag of rice and an onion do when they get into a fast car? They pilaf. I'll show my way out
My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.
[the last supper] Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver Judas: I got this
Alsation: I'll see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay but don't call me "Shortly!"
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: "you have a dog?" Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Whenever one door closes, another opens. ..perhaps the one who built the house didn't do a good job.
What do you call an eerie French pastry chef? A crepe.
If you put your ear up to a vagina... you can smell the ocean.
If You're Having Vocal Problems... ...I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 problems, but my pitch ain't one. I apologize in advance.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I'm thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there's this thing called Google now.
How does Steve Bannon, Trump's Senior Chief Strategist feel after he gets over a cold? Alt-Right
Litter of puppies = cute. Liter of puppies = gross.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
I spent the night in jail for refusing to take a nap. They said that I was resisting a rest.
Why has sodomy been banned in French bakeries? Because it was a pain in the arse for the customers.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Glue a tiny mirror over your driver's license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead
You know how light travels faster than sound? Thats why some people seem bright until they speak.
My friend is a med student, and decided to go into oncology Apparently it's a growth industry.
We now finally have proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead He just registered to vote in Chicago
What did Fred from 'Scooby Doo' say when Mystery Inc. finally found a mystery that was too scary for them to solve? 2scooby4doo
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? The prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again.
Fact Every 60 seconds in Ukraine a minute passes
You know why someone who's good at something is "The Shit"? Because those who can't teach and those who do do.
A priest and a rabbi are walking and spot a little boy The priest says, "let's fuck him." The rabbi says, "out of what?"
6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner! Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want. *Wife walks in*: What's that? Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
A catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar He orders a beer
Sorry I can't date you because I'm seeing anybody else.
What is a suicide bomber's favorite TV show? The Big Bang Theory.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
the fact that im 29 and buttholes and poop are still really funny to me says more about the staying power of buttholes than it does about me
[NSFW] Gonzo turns to Kermit and says "It's getting late, want to go eat out somewhere?" Kermit looks at Missy Piggy and says "I'm having pork tonight."
Just turned off porch light and saw a moth take off flying towards the moon. Good luck buddy, if you make it back, sell the story to Pixar.
Your momma's so fat....she tried to upload a selfie to the Internet and got an error "Not Enough Storage Space"
Wife: We're supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That's what she said. Wife: Can't you do any better than that? Me: That's what she said
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
I saw a black man walking down the street with a TV. "That looks a lot like mine..." I thought... Then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
If smoking is bad for you... Why does it cure salmon?
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.
If my wife hates when I cum in her hair. Why does she keep leaving it in the shower drain?
The waiter hands me a bowl of alphabet soup "Compliments of the chef" The soup reads "you're beautiful"
Why was the man arrested for having his skin flute played? It was in A-minor
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
so there's this group of people who are protecting a van they call themselves the Vanguard
What is it with Germans and old operating systems I keep hearing them say "DOS is good"
Why do Congo gamers refuse to play with Belgians? They're afraid of getting owned
[coming out of coma] Doc: You survived the heart attack Me: I'm going to eat right & get fit D: *shows me hospital bill* M: *pulls plug*
Two Dicks... Two dicks were hanging out at a bar.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan!
'My train was late' should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.
Why did the whale have to go see his doctor? His diet was krill-in him.
What do you call the action where a dead guy falls out of a car and you have to put him back in? A rehearsal
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
How long does it take to for Mexicans to do a job? Oh, wait... they're done.
I hear they're making a new 50 euro note on grease proof paper
Why did the robot become a museum curator? Because he was an Art-Offical Intelligence
What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly? His Middle Girth
This computer you charged me L950 for doesn't work....and you said it would be trouble free. It is I charged you L950 for the computer but you're getting all that trouble absolutely free!
Arnold Schwarzenegger should open a pest control business. He's already an ex-terminator.
Today marks my tenth year driving trains Finally, you can call me a superconductor.
Which burgers are dishonest? Cat-burgers! (burglars)
What does a rusty cow say? MgOOOO!!!
What is a Farmer's favorite pick-up line? Girl. You look so good that I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!
Someday, when I'm really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.
Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!
What do 9 out of 10 people consider fun? A gang rape.
"Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him."
Fellas, If her pelvis doesn't touch yours when you embrace, she doesn't find you attractive.
How to DoS someone without any tech knowledge Steal all their shirts and shoes
Darth: You should not have come back, old man. Obi Wan: I DIDN'T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
John Madden just died from a heart attack what, you thought this was a joke? the guy's fat and old.
Have you heard about the Viagra computer virus? It turns your two and a half inch floppy disk into a hard disk.
Help! I'm a fat man trapped in a skinny body!
Golden words by a wise man:"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."
What do you call your friend Splee at a soiree? A PARTY SPLUNGE!
What is an Eskimos best friend? pol ice
You're the apple of my eye. The grape of my elbow. The lemon of my foot. The banana of my hair. My sweet hair banana.
What is the best Cabinet post for Donald Trump? Secretary of 'De-Fence"
what did the fish say to the jelous fish? ur jellyfish
A Vietnamese person gets a haircut A Vietnamese person walks into a Barbershop and sits down. The barber asks "What' chu want fam?" The Vietnamese person replies, "How do you know my name?"
A surrealist entered an Indian market. It felt very bazaar.
Saw this a while back There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those who do not.
Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?" Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?" Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."
What did Harry Potter name his daughter? Harry Daughter.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed...... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Difference between a dead squirrel and a dead drummer in the road? http://imgur.com/PKibj The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
That awkward moment when your ex is dating someone who looks just like you.
What's the difference between lobsters and crabs? I don't *have* lobsters!
Sold some krokodil today...... "see you later alligator"
What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest? Hiking
Wife: did you know there's an "I hate Jeff" group that meets in the park? Me: yes I started it I am the president
What do you call a Masterbating Cow? A Beef Stroganoff
Someday, I will make a great dad.... I don't have any parenting experience, but I *can* tell terrible jokes.
Got laid off.
Did you hear Al Gore's new electronic / R&amp;B album? It's called al-gore-rhythms.
TIFU by complimenting a co-worker's womanly hips. Get over it, Steve.
What is similar between gas and water? Not much, but in Flint they are both regular and unleaded
What do you get when cross a black man and a octopus? I don't know but I'm sure he could pick the hell out of some cotton.
Find a penny Pick it up & all the day You'll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection ...
What do Bill Cosby and the Little Dutch Boy have in common? Both were caught with their finger in the dyke.
What do you call a Muslim Girl dating an Agnostic Guy? For safety purposes, I don't know if I should tell you her name..
*Librarian walks in* You know what's great kids? You don't need wifi to read a book! *Kids boo* *Someone in the crowd yells "NERD"*
What do you call an Asian-Indian man, who is standing on one leg? Balan Singh
I like the way your medication thinks.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who's in charge.
I don't believe in star signs but that's me... typical capricorn!
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
What do dwarfs and midgets have in common? Very little.
$10 COMPLAINT A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
Can you guess what the hardest part about being a pedophile is? Fitting in...
[Olive Garden] Me: *walks in* Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back. Me: Huh? Hostess: When you're here you're family.
I have stopped debating with master since the day ... ... I subscribed /r/nofap. Got to keep up with the community.
A wizard is walking down the street... EDIT: Then he turns into a bar. Sorry, put this in the comment rather than the text field. Guilty as charged.
What murder mystery is especially popular among mathematicians? the Sin of 4
"Ho, ho, ho!" -Santa doing a head count
When I lose my glasses I become a horrible plumber because I can't see shit.
What's a blind person's favorite fast food joint? Taco Braille
They found more DNA from the NY escaped convicts... ...all over Joyce Mitchell's face!
Ya know you're from Tacoma when... Your niece sees velvet ropes and says "Ooh , that's some really nice police tape"!
What's the difference... between a gazpacho bean and a chickpea? I've never had a gazpacho bean on my face.
TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?" I replied "No, only guns."
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? ...none. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the shit out of the room for being black.
What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.
The invention of dildos Had a much deeper impact than previously anticipated.
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."
I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
What's grey and can't swim? A castle
I took a bus home last night That may not be a big deal to you, but I have never reposted before.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Wife: You should cut the grass. Me: Yes, dear. W: And, you really need to trim that bush. M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too. W: What? M: Yes, dear.
Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.
"I hate fake girls." *a nearby girl's coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*
If we stop neutering our dogs then the Terriers have won.
There's a man with two penises? That's nothing, I once knew a guy with FIVE penises... ...and his pants fit like a glove.
White people be loving the shit out of fall foliage.
If you leave without a reason, don't bother coming back with an excuse.
Why did all the girls fall in love with the leafy green-blood-sucking-parasite that was full of vitamins? Because he was romaine-tick.
A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear... She says, "No, I'll go deaf." He says, "Funny, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up."
The wife came home last night and asked "Is there anything on tv?" I said "yeah,dust!" And then the fight started.
I'm feeling more attracted to you lately. Have you put on weight?
Why'd Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. ` ` Knock Knock, who's there? Not Sally.
Frodo Baggins doesn't get Back Court Violations in basketball. He gets a There and Back Again
Did you hear the one about the guy who was about to tell a joke and then thought better of it? He killed it.
My marriage is like a game of cards It started out with two hearts and a diamond, now all I want is a club and a spade.
What do you call a Spanish cucumber ? A cuke-hombre...
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me. Me: Yup, that's how digestion works.
How tall do you have to be to ride a Kanye West rollercoaster? About Ye big.
David Bowie was found in a three foot coffin. The coroner said it was a space oddity.
Hey Green Bay - what are you packing? Meat? Fudge? Of course, if it's heat, my sincere apologies.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
People tend to put their faith in a higher power. But to me that's just a primitive solution.
In poland stainless steel is a lot cheaper... However it only applies to the version made in their own country, Stainless Steel Polish....
Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
World Peace.
A blond and a brunette jump off the empire state building... Who lands first? The brunette. The blond had to stop and ask for directions.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard the same joke on Reddit... I'd have about $3.50
9/11 was hard for us European folk. I caught my foreskin on my zipper that day! It was dreadful, had me late for work. I'll certainly never forget the 9^th of November anytime soon.
How Many Running Backs Does It Take To Turn On A Light? Two. One to find the switch...the other to hit it.
Where do two electrons race? On a circuit
Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.
What is the difference between a fly and a bird ? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird !
What do an Iraqi baby, an American president, and a homesick Brit visiting Jerusalem all want? They all want either pees, peace or peas in the middle east.
Doctor, can you have a look at my penis... Doctor: I don't see anything wrong with it? I know it's magnificent isn't it?
What did the poacher get when he saw the Northern White Rhino? Shot.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit. And all I did was sign up.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! A CURE FOR TOURETTE'S! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! CUNT!
How much crack did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men
Am - hello - goodbye
Me: *opens door* Yes? Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord? Me: ..Of The Rings? Him: Uh No.. *door slam*
You don't know shit about pressure until you're the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Fucking irony. My girlfriend of 2.5 years wants a threesome, but doesn't want to share me with other girl..... Update, she would consider if she was witn me and some unknown girl.
Friends and Family of Jedis should be called "The Force Kin"
Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany? Because it's a Nietzsche Market.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby 3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My therapist told me that I'm bad at admitting my flaws. I am not!
Guys: when you're shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don't want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren't supposed to make you dumber.
What do you call an epileptic covered in lettuce? A seizure salad.
How would you describe your past work? [Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar] -Change management.
I'm starting a Mexican hate group. It's called the quequeque.
Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.
I'm lucky have a friend like you. I'm just glad he isn't TOO much like you.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else's balance to cheer me up
My PhD student claims to have made a breakthrough in hyperbolic mathematics Turns out he was just exaggerating
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
What's it like to work in customer service/retail? Imagine there's a race of people called customers. Now imagine you're a huge racist.
Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim? A: Mohammered.
So Chris Brown has quit music... Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.
If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You're drunk!
What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces? Guacamole.
Shoutout to the dozens of people still trying to make Google+ a thing!
What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone ? A lot of crackling on the line !
Peanut Butter A man walks into a psychiatrist's office masturbating with a jar of peanut butter. He asks the doctor, "Well, whaddya think?". The doctor replied, "I think you're fucking nuts."
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your's.
Who's the worst villain in more games than any other? EA
A dog peed on my bike today. Of course I did not put up with that. I peed all over it immediately.
Why couldn't the Soviet Union get anything done? They were always either Russian or Stalin.
I had my blood drawn today. The artist was very nice.
An archaeologist notices his partner appears to be nibbling a fossil... Curious, he walks over and asks, "What you got there?" "Not sure", replies the fellow, "But you have got to try-a-lil'-bite!"
Something I'll sadly never get back as a Jew My foreskin.
The winds of change can blow me.
(NSFW) What is the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich. I Don't fuck my sandwich before I eat it.
I recently came out as pansexual. But I'm only attracted to cast iron. I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks. I guess it's true what they say: "Once you go black, you never go back"
Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They're still gone and that was weird advice.
Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.
Pugs. Because you can't own E.T.
Murphy's wife told him he should put a pair of clean socks on every day. By Friday he couldn't get his boots on.
What's the definition of a narrow squeak ?  A thin mouse !
I wish more religions took advantage of a vow of silence.
What is mostly white, dull, and wants to be popular? This post.
Disney to remake Jungle Book as Jungle eReader.
Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.
What's so unpleasant about being drunk? Just ask a glass of water! -Douglas Adams
turns out Xenophobia is not 'A fear of Warrior Princesses'
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have bought all this meat.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? ....a fssshhh...
To get to the other side. Why did Yoda cross the road?
Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of salsa? [2 gals 1 cup](http://www.reddit.com/r/Canning/comments/yyhsp/my_20_trip_to_the_local_latin_market_netted_165/)
Zombies must be great with girls. They're always getting into their guts.
Dyslexic Zombie What does a dyslexic zombie eat? Brians
Why are there no nice cars in heaven? Because abortions float.
Mississippi's Education/Testing scores are the worst in the nation... yep, we're ranked 53rd.
A hunter brings a bear into his own home. His friend asks if he's crazy, and the hunter responds "Just bear with me"
I want to die like my grandpa, peaceful and in his sleep. Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in his car.
What does a Persistent Jedi do when he gets destroyed in a race? An all day run
Psychic wanted: You know where to apply.
They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.
How many christians does it take to change a lightbulb? three, but they're really one
Some people say that you should let sleeping dogs lie... But I believe that all animals should tell the truth.
I hate recursion, irony, and the Oxford Comma.
Trump , Clinton, and Hitler are about to fall of a cliff. You only have time to save on of them. Tell me why you saved Hitler.
I like Ouija boards It's the only game I can still play with grandma.
let's get married but instead of kids we have nachos
"If you don't have anything nice to say, say as much as you can." - the internet
How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh? Tentickles.
If Donald Trump was elected president... Instead of saying "You're fired." He'd say "You're deported."
Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop I eat mop who? ( say it out loud )
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. 
I didn't go through four years of grad school for this! (I didn't go to grad school.)
My girlfriend started smoking... My girlfriend started smoking last night, so I slowed down and applied lubricant.
Never Judge the Beauty Of a Girl By Her Profile Picture. Judge it By the Photos She is Tagged in
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
Keep your friends' cake and your enemies' cake.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.
Statistically speaking 5 out of 6 people are pro gang rape.
So I finally found a girl that swallows... But she's bulimic so it really doesn't count.
Joke about guys cooking It's not gay as long as the mitts don't touch
During my last prostate exam I asked my doctor to stick in another finger. Because I wanted a second opinion.
What's the difference between a gun and a penis If a penis goes off in you mouth it goes limp. If a gun goes off in your mouth, you do.
Why was Sean Connery accused of piracy while drinking tea? He took a ship.
If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I'm the healthiest person on the planet.
If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we've bubble wrapped our kids too tight.
Q: Have you seen the new Barbie Doctor doll? A: You wind her up, and she operates on batteries.
Playing that 'Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?' song on your iPhone, full blast while entering a public toilet stall, feels pretty good.
Do you know the difference between a strip club and an elementary school? If you dont your a sick mothafucker!!!
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts One is $3.50 the other is under a buck.
What the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? John Wayne stopped killing Indians a long time ago.
How does Jennifer Lopez like her cheese? From the block.
$100 Bill A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? B: No, I was standing on it.
That awkward moment when you see a midget eating a mini donut.
We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!
"Jesus loves you" ... has a whole new meaning when you're in a Tijuana prison.
What do you call one black person on the moon? A problem. What do you call every black person on the moon? *Problem Solved*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren't there any female Transformers?!?
What's brown and sticky? a stick.
Why didn't they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? "Honey I'm home!"
What is a caveman's favourite audio compression algorithm? OGG
Smiles from ear to ear. Wife: what are you smiling about? Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard Wife: God I love that dog.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Post your most offensive joke? Sure. Whats the worst part about being a black jew? Having to sit in the back of the oven :D
So I visited www.optrex.co.uk... That was a site for sore eyes.
Apple recently created a more child-friendly iTouch. It's called the iTouch-Kids.
#1: How do blind people know when to stop wiping?
My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes So, my girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with only two fingers baby".... so I poked her in the eyes.
When I Grow Up When I grow up I want to be like Prince... Dead.
I'm such a hipster... I'm such a hipster that I won't listen to the Beatles until they're all dead. That way I can say I was a fan when they were underground.
A skeleton walks into a bar... and says "Give me a beer and a mop"
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I'm home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't Helium, Barium.
Engineering Class My teacher tells me there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't...
opinion - 3.14 = onion
What kind of music do old people listen to Myback music. ill show myself out
comedy jokes  :    ? , :  ?     !  :  ,  -       ! . : , .                - 32/       -     6  8 . . . . . . .  : ,     ,    
I was telling my friend a joke. "There was this gorilla... ..." "I fucking swear, if this is another Harambe joke, I..." "Well, thanks for killing it."
"the names bond, james bond" [5 min later] STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
LPT: Masturbate before texting your Ex. It'll make you cum to your senses.
Q: What did the Momma Buffalo say to her child as he left for school? A: Bison!
I've finally figured out why I can't lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, "4 extra volume & body
What's the most offensive jokes you guys have? What's the most offensive jokes you have ever hear
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?! Shifting before you are driving fast enough to do so.
What happens when a lumberjack doesn't know which tree to cut next? He gets stumped.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Apple ! Apple who ? Apple the door myself!
During lunch, what did one Soldier say to the other Soldier? Want some Turkey?
Ladies, don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.
Did you hear about the painting that was falsely sent to prison? He was framed.
If Anakin lost a limb in II and Luke lost a limb in V, then in VIII Rey WILL NOT lose a limb, because she already lost a Han.
*Interviewing for waiter position* I feel like I bring a lot to the table
*writes "with my squad" under a picture of me and several cats"
Have you heard of the famous cow? He's legendairy
Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999. No seriously, Greg's been in a coma for 14 years. We'll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size
What do jokes and penises have in common? The short ones are never good.
Girl walks into a bar... ...and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he GAVE it to her.
What is the similarity between a black man and a bike? They both only work with a chain on.
What do you call it when two hobbits are involved in a footrace that is too close to call A Frodo-finish
I'm a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I'm your man.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You're welcome.
Who named their company after your dick? Bill Gates.
I used to be a taxi driver but I had to quit... I couldn't stand people talking behind my back.
listen here best buy employee, the constitution says I'm entitled to the pursuit of happiness, so i am taking this will smith dvd ok?
*Panda walks into shop, "A packet of nuts please." Assistant: "pandas don't eat nuts." -"dammit" panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bumbry ! Bumbry who ? Bumbry tuna !
I received a lighter as a gift from my gf and it broke after a single use. I told her that there was a spark missing in our relationship. Edit: Spelling. Any Improvements to this joke appreciated.
Two psychics run into each other in the street The first one says, "You're fine, how am I?"
A real boyfriend will blow up his girl's phone when she's mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she'll see his effort.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? It's a piece of cake
A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink called "Innuendo". So the barkeeper gives it to her.
What were the polite Egyptians running away from? DaRUDE Sandstorm
If you're testing me, we failed.
There is a man with a friend who is a ninja.... The man asks, "Ninja, can you help me out with this lightbulb?" The ninja replies "Shur-i-ken!"
So, as I was bleeding internally... ...I was dying inside. (bad joke)
How are Americans and poles similar? Running into one could really ruin your day.
Never have phone sex You'll catch hearing-aids
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
You're supposed to exercise so that you can live longer but if you have to exercise all the time do you really want to live longer?
Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!
What do you call a group of lesbians from Pittsburgh? Lesbiyinz.
I submitted 10 wordplays to a pun contest hoping one would win best quip... But no pun in ten did.
What do you call an all Sikh band? N'Singh.
Why is there echo every time Bono sings? Because he's close to The Edge
Did you hear about the math teacher who forgot his lunch money? He buynomeal
A termite walks into a bar and asks Is the bartender here?
Just found out a spider's been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
12: "Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?" Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child
I know a woman with an uncontrollable sexual desire towards books. She's an infomaniac
Unknown numbers calling and leaving 3 seconds of silence as a voicemail is the greatest unsolved mystery of my life.
"So all you have to do is scroll down the screen to reverse her progression from sexy prom queen to fat soccer mom." - Facebook's Timeline
Walking down the street, I heard a car alarm go off ... ... And I thought, "Oh my God, someone's stealing a car!"
If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.
If Apple designed a house, what would they not install? Windows...
What do you call an alien civil rights activist? Martian Luther King jr.
What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz? Cheese was.
What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're having sex? Call her up and tell her where you are.
You can find me in the club, eatin' Cap'n Crunch I'm into having snacks, I ain't into making lunch
It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies* Him: Heyyy...you uh...wanna fool around? Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I hate when I wake up in the morning hungover with penises drawn on my face, Especially since I was drinking alone last night
So I just learned ejaculation comes out at 27mph. That makes it illegal in a School zone.
What dog loves to take bubble baths ? A shampoodle !
What do you call a bird that lives underground ? A mynah bird !
teacher question The teacher asked his student: Does the wild fox gives birth or lays egg ? The student said: the fox is a sly !! you should expect anything from him !!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
What's large, gray, wrinkly, and not important? An irrelephant.
How do you kill bread? Bake it for a little while, and it will be toast.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
A German walks into a French bar There is no counter.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley. After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons.
I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin... My wife told be that would be infant tile.
I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Why is that Bono still hasn't found what he's looking for? Because he's always standing by The Edge.
Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee. And begged her to take it up the arse.
Wanna hear a Joke? Women's rights...
Me: Mmm...I love your milky white skin. Him: Ma'am are you registered for this class? Me: Yes Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial? Odour in court!
How many /r/twoxchromosomes posters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and the other 9 to provide emotional support.
Don't bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they're speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
you say "sitting in your parents' basement wearing pajamas" like it's a bad thing
What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion? A cat-ass-trophy.
What's the difference between... NSFW What's the difference between a joke and a 12" dick? You can't take a joke.
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.. ...and doesn't
One time, at banned camp, I felt really excluded.
I promised my wife I would make her feel like a princess. She is all locked up in the tower now.
I'm starting to think Twitter has nothing to do with birds.
Did you hear about the clown who had Ebola? His poop tasted funny
So I heard the Summer Olympics are gonna be in Rio De Janeiro... What's next? The Olympics in Robert De Niro? "I'm walkin' here!"
You're a unit of power Harry "Im a watt?"
The men who fought in the Revolutionary War were very brave. They would take turns standing there shooting at each other... ...and that takes balls.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bibi ! Bibi who ? Bibi Bibi Bunting ... !
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler's hand and scream "NOT TODAY SATAN!"
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Dec 25 is Oct 31
*On date* Her: hey, how are you? Me: yeah really g.. BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.
I Wish I was a Wal Mart Truck Driver... Because I missed Tracy Morgan on Saturday.
Can't figure out why my dog licks his balls. They taste fcuking disgusting.
If you could choose between world peace and $100,000,000, what color would you choose for your Ferrari?
Local pharmacy robbed... Local pharmacy robbed tonight. Entire stock of Viagra taken. Police on look out for hardened criminal.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut  butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
[trying to impress fiancee's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?
Jobs: You Need To Have Your BA *got BA Jobs: you need 5yrs experience *5years later Jobs: You need a MA *Got MA Jobs: we need some1 young
My dad has a great idea for Donald Trump's campaign slogan. "Vote for me in 2016 or there'll be hell toupee."
What's the best thing about Sweden? I can't pick, but their flag is a huge plus.
In honor of Mother's day yesterday, did anyone here play jokes on their mom instead of give gifts?
The 9 circles of hell: 9) limbo 8) lust 7) gluttony 6) greed 5) anger 4) heresy 3) violence 2) fraud 1) shopping on Black Friday
Do not mess with bears. You'll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That's right - a victim
What is the funniest name for male prostitutes? Peter sellers.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ
You're all great. Or suck. Actually I'm going to need you to sort yourselves into two orderly rows.
I bet you've already heard this It's a pretty common word.
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars http://imgur.com/QdWVk4r
I should start to buy, slaughter and sell baby camels that way I can sell young camel toe.
I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high... She looked surprised.
I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she's just too pretty to fcuk from behind.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vesti-gator!
"Okay, but do you know HOW I pulled you over?" -Cop's desperate attempt to show off
What is the difference between a lesbian and a wheat thin? One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
I just finished making a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Ellen Pao couldn't become a Miss America, so instead she became a Miss Ogynist.
How much does it cost to kill a Jew? It holocausts one.
My loose coins falls on the floor of my bedroom daily, often without my knowing. It just sits there for weeks sometimes until I pick it up. I guess you could say I have a hard time handling change.
I wish I were a Jedi. I don't want to use the Force or anything. I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Why does Saudi Arabia have so much oil? Because the women are not allowed to drive.
Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.
If a gay man gets into a debilitating car accident... is he a fruit or a vegetable?
What stopped the beaver's crime spree? The damming evidence
What's the difference between jelly and jam? (nsfw, like any good joke) I can't jelly my cock up your ass.
What do they call the work when Webster long cuts the grass? Emmanuel labor
Still trying to figure out how Cee-Lo wipes his ass.
I think gambling hotlines would be more effective if every fifth caller won a prize.
What is a rude way of referring to a young homosexual fly? A maggot, of course!
What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters? 'Hot dog!'
They say Kim Jong Un is heartless and a murder... It's because he has no Seoul
What do cops and sports photographers have in common? They get paid to shoot black men.
What do you call a spider with no legs? A raisin
You'd think that when two atoms in a salt bond, they're being kind by sharing electrons, but actually, one atom is stealing the electron from the other. Isn't it ionic?
Jarndyce and Jarndyce walk into a bar... The barman says: "Why the long case?"
Racecar spelt backwards is still racecar But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died
Whats blue and smells like red paint? blue paint
What's the difference... What's the difference between a colostomy bag and a politician? The bag isn't always full of shit!
The Seattle Seahawks play calling.
What is that white thing in my pork&amp;beans? The Queen Bean. *Blatantly stolen from Ren &amp; Stimpy
"If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you." - Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My Penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records until the library sent me a past-due notice
It was four months into my relationship that I found out my girlfriend was a communist She started giving me red flags
What do you call a very small villain? The Antagonist
Where do trailer park miscarriages go? Out of the trash and into the garbage
"My bad" and "I'm sorry" mean the same thing Unless you're at a funeral.
squirrel probs
IAmA dyslexic government computer programmer, AMA! Whoops, wrong usb.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear? Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.
Laughter really is the best medicine... Except for diarrhea.
There is nothing bad about masturbation... ...at least I fuck somebody I love.
The thing about penis jokes is.. they tend to grow on you.
What does a diabetic elf need? Tinselin
What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?- A wash and wear wolf
Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ? It was a moth ball !
What do you call it when Bill Clinton gets an erection? A political uprising.
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food? Hop suey!
"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
What's Justin Bieber's favorite make of car? Voltz-swaggin. I thought of this myself and I am so, so sorry.
A Martini is like a woman's breast... One is not enough, and three is too many.
What's a pirates favorite letter? You thought it would be 'R' but all pirates love the 'C'.
What's it called when Batman leaves the church early? Christian Bale
I am going to stop procrastinating tomorrow.
Did you know love doesn't matter? It doesn't have mass and doesn't occupy space.
What do you call a blond woman who dyes her hair brown? Her name, you asshole.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Advertised as a "Cougar Cruise" Reality - Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats
Hotel coffee is like having sex in a canoe... It's fucking close to water.
I was just knocked off my bike by a stationary truck. The driver gave me a couple of sketch pads and some really cool pens to apologise.
Me: Why am I still single? Brain: You're weird as shit. Body:You're fat. Face:You're pretty ugly. Food: Don't worry babe, I'm here for you.
What is R. Kelly's favorite group to feature? Black Guy Pees.
What's my favorite Jewish star wars character? Jewbacca
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand* These are the angriest maracas I've ever played
Two really hot women are walking down the street... when a man who suffers from premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere...
Hey, are you the combination of fluorine-45 and silver-45? Because you look like a huge FAg.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.
Doctor told me I'm getting overweight Crap I thought eating disorder was bad enough!
Dad said I wasn't allowed to go out wearing this skirt because it's "too revealing"... Fuck you, dad, I'm a grown man and I'll do what I want!
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any kind. Buildings can't jump.
What did the physicist say to the depressed hippy? "There's no such thing as negative energy"
Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy a gang rape.
What was the first thing the emcee said at the pornography convention? Thank you all for coming!
So it's the first day of shop class... The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
Sorry about my two week Twitter hiatus, I was trying to find the end of the plastic wrap.
My brother and I both like our women like our coffee... He likes them hot and black. I like them cold and bitter.
What' the bare minimum? One bear
I just bought a rotisserie but I might return it because it's so rude. It's constantly flipping the bird.
Donald Trump, George Zimmerman, and DJ Khaled walk into a bar. Said bar is immediately shut down; State law bans brothels and with three massive attention whores in one room they kinda have no choice.
If Hilary and Trump were to be stranded on an island, who would survive? America.
Had phone sex then I got hearing aids. EDIT: then
Scarface didn't really give those guys enough time to say "hello" before shooting them.
Halal sounds a lot like Arnold swartzenegger greeting someone.
Is that your face or are you wearing your hair back to front today?
I'm writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Your Momma's so black she got counted  absent at night school.
Give me the best joke you have
Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it's time to dispose of the boss's body, they all pretend to be working.
If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.
I used to be a necropheliac... [NSFW] ...but then some rotten asshole split on me.
Scientists had already discovered a ninth planet 5000 times the size of Pluto years ago Your Mum
If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it... ...and I'll be the colonel.
What's Hitler's favorite game? Meincraft
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig's List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
two fish swim into a concrete wall one turn to the other and says:"Dam"
Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.
The Cleveland Browns completely revamped their playbook Every pass play now has a 12 step drop back...
What kind of tea does a house drink? Propertea
theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him
This specimen cup tastes like Coors Light.
What happens when you mix roofies and Viagra? Ring toss.
Where do animals go when their Tails fall off? The Retail store
[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter? Because they're not used to getting Snowden. (I'll see myself out)
Great news for insomniacs... Only three more sleeps until Christmas!
I found a spider in my shoes today He looked so ridiculous they were way to big for him
*inside camp-out tent* "Wanna hear-" *puts torch under chin* "-a scary story?" *flicks torch on, it vibrates* "OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH."
The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
What do you call a man with a penis and a vagina? Andy Tohaveapenisandavagina
Shooting has started on a sequel to the movie Superman "Man of steel" to be titled "Balls of Steel" staring Felix Baumgartner
A black mom has 5 kids Their names are Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How does she tell them apart? By their last names
My standards are as high as my pull up bar which is on the ground, in my basement.
What do you call a dog on a hot summers day A hotdog.
I met a girl who was into leather and bondage. She tied me up and stole my wallet.
If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.
What's the difference between Jews and Christians? Jews get really angry, but Christians just get a little cross.
[911 call] "My hand's stuck in a blender!" "Turn it on then." "What?" " I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."
Cop: seen anything unusual? Me: a dolphin with a hat once Cop: I mean around here Me: nah they live in water
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Why don't X and Z get along with Y? Because Y so serious
A stoner plumber walks into his dealer's house and asks "where's the shit at?"
I sure do feel a shitload more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Honey, I'm afraid we can't get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay. *looks at Xbox* Thank you sir. You've changed my life.
What do you do when your giant is hurt ? You call 9-wun-wun
I dig. You dig. We dig. They dig. He dig. She dig. Now it's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.
A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
my dream is to parade around my home town in a red wagon being pulled by 4 great danes while I give everyone the finger
I bought a pack of pencils and one was unsharpened. I thought it was pretty pointless
When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.
Did you hear about the blonde who froze to death at the drive in theater? She went to see Closed for the winter.
First time having sex was like my first time riding a bike My dad was holding me from behind.
How do the Lannisters save money on new beds? They push Two twins together to make a King
If Hillary becomes president... ...will that make Bill the first husband?
Anywhere but here. Where does the punchline of a joke go?
I've been told that I'm very condescending That means I talk down to people
I just ate three pieces of cake and the first piece was joy and the second piece was impulse and the third was deep deep regret
What is it called when a man molests with each release? Per version.
what did the buffalo say when his son left for college? bye son
So the Dalai Llama walks into a pizza place... ... and says, "make me one with everything"
A classic joke I heard from my friend about Hillary Clinton's emails [deleted]
I didn't know owls were religious Until someone told me they were a bird of pray
Chinese girl for her number I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.
[farts on a windy day] Go. Be among your own kind.
I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants! 
why would anyone want a baby? it's just another thing you have to clean
What do you call a failing brand? Calvin DeKlein.
People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings. Right? I didn't do this for nothing, right?
Is it wrong that, whenever I see an obese black family, there's a part of me that wonders if all of them are Eddie Murphy?
What's the difference between a black fairy tale and a white fairy tail? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"
Why is the computer so aggressive? It bytes
Knock knock who's there Jo Jo who? Jo moms!
Ever heard a band called 1023 Megabytes? Of course not. They haven't made a gig yet.
There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.
Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.
16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.
To be honest, I'm not going to be completely happy until Facebook implements a 'I Wish You Were Dead' button.
What do you call a cannibal that only eats midgets? Anorexic
H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? Drinking
What do you call a gay rhinoceros? Scooter the unicorn.
The difference between 'butter' and 'i cant believe its not butter'... Is Marge-inal
Whenever my girlfriend doesn't eat her dinner, I remind her that there are starving kids in Africa, and that she'll never be that skinny.
What did the chinese billionaire say after buying the deer with no eyes? I have no Idea.
In retrospect, when you look back at your own tweets, you cannot help but think how narcissistic you sound.
What do Downton Abbey and Premenstrual Syndrome have in common? They're both period drama
How can you tell if Trump is lying? His lips move. How can you tell if Clinton is lying? [deleted]
My New Years resolution is to not make a New Years resolution. I figure I am going to fuck it up anyway... I may as well do it from the start.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
A sandwich walks into a bar The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Oh white people, is there anything you won't try to fix with a 5K run/walk?
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible Who said that?
Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I have two tear drop tattoos (one for each time I waved at a person who was waving to someone behind me)
Notice In A Library. "Statutory Warning", While Reading Sex Knowledge Books, Please Hold The Book With Both Hands.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
A big girl once came up to me and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No. I think you're fattest."
With abs like his, are we certain Jesus didn't just diet for our sins?
2 wrongs don't make a right But 3 rights make a left
"I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man
A guy with a huge cock enters a bar... He has to call the fire department to get it off.
What do you call two marry-go-rounds having sex? I don't know, i'm just fucking around.
My sister told me she is going to become fucking rich... I didn't know she wanted to be a porn actress
The best time to eat candy Is when she doesn't have her period.
If diamonds are a girl's best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Winter's coming so I'm knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?
My favorite book is a Stephen King novel... but you've probably never heard of It
Yeah, it IS true that migrants do the jobs you don't wanna do. Like being a suicide bomber.
Why aren't cowboy jokes funny? Ya herd one, ya herd em all.
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you've already screwed it up.
Why do Italians only eat Italian bread? It's ciabatta buy than English Bread.
If your ad has one black person, one white person, one brown person & one Asian person in it, I will not buy your product.
if u pressed the right numbers on yr phone u could be talking to dwayne the rock johnson in 20 seconds
Why did the bed spread? Because it saw the pillow slip.
Apple profits have been going through the roof One might say... they're back in mac. *I'll see myself out.*
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Stop going in circles and get to the point.
Fred: I'm sure I'm right. Betty: You're as right as rain - all wet!
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Knock knock..I eat mop Thats nasty.
Why do some Italian Christmas cakes cause so much trouble? Because you have to open pandoro's box to eat them.
If we're talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I'm looking for an artery close to the surface.
Scientists confirm the human body is 75% water, still unclear what the other 25% is, "spaghetti we think" says one scientist
So, two pedophiles are talking... One of them says to the other "I never really liked racing, I always come in a little behind."
What did the toilet say when he was hitting on another toilet? On a scale from one to ten, urinate.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said "Aww, look at him!" What I'm saying is, don't turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Excuse my french... ...but I surrender.
Did you hear what happened to the girl once she went vegan? Her hair turned black.
Q: What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas? ... A: Mule-tide greetings.
I know what you did last summer. Stayed inside, probably. You're super pale.
What does the Mexican gang member say to the 15 page document? Hey, *essay*!
What does a pescatarian librarian eat when they're hungry for a little snack? Microfiche.
What do you call a group of ISIS members with their backs turned? A bunch of sissies.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I'm having sex. Probably with the other sock.
eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
What do you call bad Mediterranean food? Falawful.
Who laughs the last? The one who you have to explain the joke to.
Do you think Rick Astley ever just busts into places unexpectedly? He could.
A man walks into a bar it's already full of bad jokes.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No ideer.
I'm a heroine addict Wonder Woman, Super Woman, Batgirl--I just can't get enough of them!
What's Osama Bin Laden's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
what do a toddler and a case of new pencils have in common? They are both pointless.
When I was young I had to go to walking school. It was tough. They really put you through your paces there
Why don't Jedi mathematicians use the absolute value function? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes. ^and ^it's ^non-differentiable ^at ^0
My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game. I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.
Three guys walk in to a bar... One ducks
TIL Muslim extremists do not like pulled pork sandwiches. whoops, wrong sub.
A particle walked into a bar.... and it didn't
Why do you never see prostitutes on airplanes? They don't give a flying fuck.
Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it. Concrete floors are really hard to crack. Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spit, swallow and gargle.
What's the difference between a Jewish kid and an American kid? (Going to hell for this one...) The American kid comes back from camp.
What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar? Gimme a slug of whiskey.
I went on a date with a girl who said she wanted to be treated like a princess So I strapped her in the back of my Mercedes and drove into a wall.
I'm great with kids because mentally I'm on their level.
Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
It wasn't much fun having a broken neck, but now I can look back and laugh.
What did the snot say to the nose? I gotta run.
School report My hot history teacher told me I have to give her a one on one report on 'deep throat'. Long story short I got expelled and btw what the fuck is 'watergate'?!?!?!
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
What goes "Clop clop clop, bang bang bang, clop clop clop"? An Amish drive-by shooting.
What's the best part about a Fight Club joke? The punchline.
Oh look what the cat dragged in [cat drags in dead body] Cat: quick we need 20lbs of lye and two shovels
A woman asked her husband for a divorce after he said they needed to go get new counter tops. She knew he was taking her for granite.
Sodomy? SodoYOU. JK, please sodomy.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
I'm anti-thesaurus, for lack of a better word.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, 'Who's this?'
Break ups are the worst in China. You see her face everywhere.
Damn girl, are you today's date? Because you are 10/10
BLACK AND BROWN Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Why is steam such a hipster? Because it was water before it was cool.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there's Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
What does grandmas vagina taste like? Depends..
I wanted some Lipo D energy drink, so I asked Gary Johnson if knew where I could find some. He asked me back... What's a lipo?
Why won't Goldilocks drink a glass of water with eight pieces of ice in it? It's two cubed! :)
I'm currently in a very serious relationship ,we don't even smile .
Apple is coming out with a product for Asians.. The iOpener..
I'm afraid my pet's going to die soon - he's already 14,000,000 in rock-years
How many hairs are in a dog's tail? None. They are all on the outside.
What's the difference between a video game and a baby? I don't start masturbating when I've beaten a video game
What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
What do you call a female physicist? A physicist you sexist.
What do you call a floating Jew? Ashes in the wind.
What's the difference between toilet paper and a hand towel? So you're the one!
What do black people and bikes have in common? They stop working when you take the chains off
I hate circles. They're pointless.
If I had a dime for every nickel I had I would have three cents
my grandfather died in the Holocaust he fell off the watch tower.
*phone rings Me: Hello? Telemarketer: Hello how are you today? Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
How to discipline your rock *you hit rock bottom*
How to sink a submarine with 10 blondes in it? You knock on the door.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous You're practically begging for typos.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer! I don't know what he laced them with, *but I have been tripping all day*.
At first I didn't like my new haircut But it's starting to grow on me
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
So my parents caught me masturbating. They must've heard the rustling in their wardrobe when they were fucking.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
What does a cow and 9/11 have in common? We love to milk the shit out of it
Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
What do you call a jewish politician's election tactics? A schmear campaign!
Have single guys scared of the "Friend Zone" even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
A blind man walks into a bar..... If he could see then that would'nt have happened.
Is a picture of Elijah Wood called a frodograph? (It makes more sense when you say it out loud)
Why is Tina Fey so good with her use of irony? It's in the name...
Remember when we used to call the "self check-out" - 'Theft'?
If I was Phil Collins I'd rub my belly after every meal and say 'I'm Full Collins', then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Things have not been great with my girlfriend who's an astronaut She said she needs some space.
what did the melon say to the cookie? nothing, melons can't talk
A repost walks into a bar... ....Nah, nevermind. You've probably heard it before.
What do strippers and Hillary Clinton have in common? They rely too much on polls
Religion is like Gym Classes Some people whine excessively about it, most don't really care and those who take it too seriously usually don't go too far in life.
*aliens land on Thanksgiving* *me showing them around* "We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish" Aliens: Savages
What is the worst kind of wood to have in your home around your kids? Naughty pine
Just took an opposite selfie of something I saw. Elsie? Otherie? Seeie? Oh, photo. Got it.
Browser joke What do we want? Chrome/Firefox: Faster internet! When do we want it? Internet explorer: Faster internet!
I know you've been looking at porn if you're staring at the Google homepage when I walk in.
Whenever people are like "We need to restore traditional values to this country" I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake
If a poison expires, Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?
Whenever me and the wife watch a film, I can always tell if it's going to be shit. She's picked it.
Why is it weird that the Jews killed Jesus? They love prophets
Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.
What do you get when you throw a baby against a wall? An erection
REALTOR: It's a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools- ME: And the Pokemon? REALTOR: .... sigh. Mostly Pidgeys ME: I think I've seen enough.
The pizza theorem: "Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut into triangles and put into square boxes" -Science
A feminist asked me how I view lesbians In HD was apparently not the correct answer.
A hermaphrodite... Is the only thing that is capable of fucking itself.
I have a step-stool and never met my real stool
Hell: A place where all of the wine and liquor bottles have holes on the bottom... ...and the women don't.
What does a skeleton use to carry his bones? A CART-ilage
Just blew my nose so hard that it got down on one knee & proposed.
A man goes into the library and says "Do you have that book about small penis's?" Librarian says," I don't think it's in yet". Man," Yes, that's the one".
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
What game is all the rage with the Ferguson rioters? Truth or Darren Wilson.
Today a guest asked if we sold leggings for dogs (I'm not even kidding, this was a real request) I guess he owns a basic bitch
Did you know the inventor of the vibrator heard voices saying... "If you build it, they will come."
You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes. *brought to you by Bounty*
I have a few chemistry jokes I'm just afraid they won't get a good reaction.
My buddy with 3 nuts just got a tattoo It was tri-bal.
www.conjunctivitis.com ...that's a site for sore eyes.
Jack, do you think i'm a bad mother? My name is Billy.
Where does a thumb meet its type? At ***the space bar!*** oh-my-goodness! ~Skip
"Do you like Tolstoy?" "Of course. Who doesn't?" "What's your favourite book?" "The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him".
Kanye West walks into a bar. But he is as broke as this joke so he goes thirsty.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Chris ! Chris who ? Chrisco'll do you proud everytime !
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field... Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. Daisy exclaims, "It's true, no bull!"
Salt touched Pepper in a pervert way.Pepper says: "This is assalt!"
Don't lie, steal, or cheat... The government hates competition.
What's the difference between you and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks....
What's Fozzy Bear's favorite city? Mil-wocka-wocka-waukee
What do women and dog shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
[standing in driveway with wife] I thought we agreed on a Prius [giant eagle pecks at saddle] NO THIS IS BETTER
A man walk into a doctors room with a frog hanging out of his ear. "What on Earth happened?" The doctor said, surprised. "I don't know, it started with a boil on my arse." the frog said.
Part two of 'Dinner for One' revealed! Title is "Dinner for two: Revenge of the tiger."
My mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and I all currently have diarrhea. Runs in the family.
Hiw did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He was eating pizza before it was cool.
The Truth About Math Math Mat Ma M Me Met Meth So now we know why Math is so mind f*cking
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
What did the horse say when it fell down? Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
My mum told this hilarious joke whilst we were taking groceries into the flat "Take multiple trips"
Stupid nanny state won't let me enroll my kids in bartending school.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I don't mind lesbians, actually. They're still women who won't sleep with me, but at least it's nothing personal.
So what do you pack for the end of the world? I'm thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.
"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees!" cried the revolutionary. "That's what Che said," whispered his comrade.
[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there
Before she died... Bully: *poking and pushing me into lockers* Me: You suck I hate you! Bully: That's what my mom said before she died... Me: ...oh
Just walked in on my uncle "taking a selfie" :(
Sister Mary Francis won the contest but I was runner-up... Technically, I'm second to nun.
A guy walks into a bar... He should have ducked.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? A. They were really put out.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. "Ahhhhh!" I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Yarrr, have ye seen me mizzenmast? It's mizzen.
I walked in on my roommate jerking it He got mad and told me to put it away
Why was the dolphin depressed? It had no porpoise in life
There's a reason it's called "girls gone wild" and not "women gone wild". When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
I forgot what I'm allergic to, I'm trying to remember... ..its on the tip of my tongue edit: I made this up haha just thought you'd like it.
Why do the French like Cheap Trick? Because they always surrender!
Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in Now out Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about
Someone stoly my Microsoft Office And they're gonna pay. You have my Word.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Taco Bell is planning on doubling the 'meat' in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they're informing us in advance.
16 and Pregnant? How come I didn't get my own show when I was 16? "16 and smart enough to use a rubber."
Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of? Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves
what is the height of trust? two cannibals in a 69
"Let's get readyyyyy to punch a little but mostly hug!" -honest boxing announcer
[opens door for two Jehovah's witnesses] Ugh...ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I'll get the virgin from the basement.
RT This if wish you had an Fairly OddParent.
I named my dog karma She's very well behaved.
What happened to the butterfly that ate too much marble? He shaterpillar.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkeys. I thought she was kidding... ...and then I saw her face.
Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West? Because they all wore mittens.
Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally tripped into his cloning machine? He was really beside himself after that one.
I like my women like I like my coffee Selling for $2.
Friend: Your three kids are so well behaved! Me: Well .... there used to be four.
A guy walks into a grocery store... And buys groceries.
How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1000 One to change it and 999 to walk into the same room and change the same light bulb without checking to see if it needed changing first.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I always say no to drugs... But they never listen.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Hells Angel? Someone who comes to your door and tells you to fuck off.
Jason Collins joke Jason Collins finally comes out. He had to go through a hell of a lot of hoops though.
I can tell you how to view NSFW content while at your desk. Get to work, Michael! You're not getting paid to watch models who have "MAGA" tattooed on their breasts.
What do you call a murderer who kills during breakfast time? A cereal killer
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Its a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Know what "buffet" stands for? Big Ugly Fat Fuckers Eating Together. Credit: This loud big ugly fat fucker drinking a few tables away from me at this bar.
The police break into Abraham Lincolns house... When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"
What do you call a middle eastern man flying a plane? The Pilot, you racist.
What's the most believed oxymoron? Peaceful muslims
A lady never reveals her penis
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site... But when I got home, all the signs were there.
So I go in for my physical... And the doctor says "I need a semen, stool, and urine sample." I say "Gee doc, I'm in a big hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?" *Taken from Bill Paxton in Predator 2.*
Using a remote control is the closest most of us get to being wizards.
How man Sah Dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None fam it's already lit! Sah duude!
What's big, green and cries in the corner? The Incredible Sulk
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Lap band surgery Waist knot, want not.
Yo Mama... Yo mama so old and so fat that when she sat down, they called it the Cambrian mass extinction.
A warm toilet seat... A warm toilet seat is like fucking a prostitute. It feels amazing at first but you can't help but wonder who was there before you.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the- Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored W: M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Are you cold? (Yes) Then go sit in a corner, cause it's 90 degrees.
Why doesn't anyone die a virgin? Life fucks us all.
"Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park" Sir are you a shark in disguise? *sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
What's the difference between pussy and parsley? I don't eat parsley. -Andrew "Dice" Clay
Why did the flight from Warsaw to Moscow crash? There were Poles on the right half of the plane.
How to calm a crying baby: 1. Pick it up. 2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me I was never scared though, I loved disco music
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear?
A black woman had 5 sons name Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone and Tyrone.... How did she tell them apart? She called them by their last names
do you know what is worst than a bad joke?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me "Where the hell are you?"
BREAKING NEWS: Wall-Mart is now selling Justin Bieber CDs in the Garden Center. Right next to the Pansies.
[dinosaur naming committee] TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl PTERRY: I've got a crazy idea
Do you know the difference between browsing Reddit and having sex? No? Well, keep on browsing Reddit.
My top 5 (in no particular order) 1. 3 2. 5 3. 2 4. 4 5. 1
Leonardo: Let's go rescue April!! Donatello: Let's do it! Raphael: Bodacious!! Michelangelo: Totally!! Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Morning wood makes the best fire.
So I asked my friend, "I hear your husband applied for a position in the government" Me:"What is he doing now?" Friend: "Nothing" Me: "But I thought he got the job!?" Friend: "Yes he did."
What do you call a dog that can walk on its hind legs all the time? A human.
Ask me if I have a banana in my ear. Do you have a banana in your ear? I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
What is the difference between a cop and a box of chocolates? Nothing. They'll both kill your dog.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she'll need to get a job. Is it 6?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
In my old age I may have developed alzheimer's But at least I don't have alzheimer's.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
What did O say to Q? XYZ.
how many African Americans "by way of slave ships" does it take to screw in a light bulb? no less than 2. some one has to drive the pink cadilac
what's the strongest part of a vegetable? the wheel chair.
Did you hear about Apple's new product? It was a big 6s
I just met a black vegan... All I kept asking was "so you don't eat chicken?"
How much calcium is in a kiss? Enough to make a bone hard.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I'm so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who's pointing out a constellation
I went to Art Therapy to treat my dyslexia. I don't know why they put me in a maze, but the cheese was good.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can't have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
R/Jokes is like my elbow. I don't come here often.
"There is a rumor going around that Facebook is building a cell phone.It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school."
What's the sharpest thing in the world? A fart. It goes through your pants without even making a hole.
Working at the office the other day and a lady came up to me and asked for a hole punch, didn't know she knew about my signature move.
[job interview] HR: Says here you're very good at multi-tasking *me taking a selfie & spinning in chair HR: *whispering "wow he's good"
Romney likes Costco. So much that he bought 3.
Why was the Roman upset with the porn site? They only had XXX videos
Can you cure hereditary diarrhea? Or does it just run through your jeans?
What is one thing that I would never give? I don't give a rat's ass!
Sisters are like fat thighs They stick together.
How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch? Don't worry, they will tell you.
What do you call Peter Pan when he's barbequing? Peter Grill
Why is it so hard to learn the C programming language? It has no class.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "I have been waiting all day for someone like you." And the guy answered, "That's why I wanted to be here as fast as possible !"
You know what people really do when no one's looking? Your mum.
What do you say to a lady that has to make 100 shirts by tomorrow? you seamstressed
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's the best plan healthcare.gov could offer me.
Me: *breathes* *gains weight*
243 [Slightly NSFW] You asked for it :D Edit: Holy hell this one actually got some attention.
I was craving a soda this morning in school, but I couldn't afford one.. I was soda pressed
An unemployed prostitute approaches a brothel manager and asks for a job. The manager regrettably replies, "Sorry, we have too many openings right now."
Do you want to join the "P" club? Congratulations, ur-ine!
Please don't take my 'mmm hm's' as encouragement to go on with your story.
Reddit comments are just filled with so many bad puns... that it should be renamed Geddit.
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I call my dick MySpace No one's on it.
A step-by-step guide: How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
How to cool the craze for transgender surgery Install an irregular period with each new vagina and an enlarged prostate with each new penis
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I've no idea how they got in there!
Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.
You might not be a Bulls fan, but I know you felt it when this D rose.
"What'd you do today" "Went on a treasure hunt" "I hope you mean job hunt" "Treasure hunt" "You need to find a job" "Not if I find treasure"
Why do cannibals like doing puzzles? Because it reminds them of how they eat One piece at a time
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker? RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics. #LochteGate
Why does Eatern Europe always fail their test? Because they're always russian to finnish first.
what do you call a girl on a swing with no arms? Sarah. Knock Knock... Whos there? Not Sarah
Puns about cow sounds are the lowest form of humor.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words... Lazy
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Why don't catholics wear condoms? Because little boys can't get pregnant.
Cannibals clowning around Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them stops, licks his lips and says "does this taste funny to you"
What is the best pickup line at a gay bar? Let me push your stool in for you. ^^I'm^sorry.
I like my coffee like I like my women, black and from the gas station up the street.
Short joke A priest, rapist and comedian walk into a bar, then the barman says: 'God are you fucking kidding me?!'
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Why did little Timmy fall off his bike? Because someone threw a canoe at him!!!
I don't have a problem with alcohol. Only without it.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically? ME: IN: Is this an ability you have always had? ME: IN: Please say something.
Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car
What do Nicki Minaj and the Philadelphia police department have in common? Reclaiming black bodies.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Would you like to hear a joke? Donald Trump
I wish Benedict Cumberbatch played Q in 007 Then I could call him Benedict "Q" Cumberbatch.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
So my friend asked if I wanted to hear a corny joke... So I said, "I'm all ears!"
Who was the best boxer of all time? Jim Jones. He knocked out 909 people with one punch.
Did you hear about the farmer's daughter who was sent home from the county fair? She couldn't keep her calves together.
If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune... What color would your Lamborghini be?
How do spies eat their waffles? Syruptitiously!
What do the alphabet A and a flower have in common? B comes after both.
What's the difference between ten black dicks and a black joke? (offensive) A black woman can't take a black joke.
Did you hear about the farmer that fell into the field machine and lost half his body? He's all right now! :-)
what are the best sort of bees? boobies
What was King Arthur's favourite game? Knights and crosses!
Gmail replaced the words on its buttons with symbols Which is great for all the illiterate people who use gmail
How many dancers does it take to change a Light bulb ? 5,6,7,8.
Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped? An abduction. I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.
What is your favorite thing the new iPhone can do? Mine is distract me from my own mortality
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
What do you call something that has nothing to do with elephants? Irrelephant
Confucius say, "woman with dress up run faster than man with pants down." It's true. Do the math.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
A couple of obducents stood at the bar talking. -You Should have seen the other day. I had a beautiful lady come in and her clitoris was like a pickled cucumber. -Wow! So big? No, so salty!
Just a simple solution. Obviously North Korea made a mistake, although we should forgive and forget. Who knows... Maybe Japan hacked Sony? Yeah... Lets blame Sony.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
Dear student loan, Thank you for saving my life. I can't think of how I can ever repay you.
What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common? They both come with a toy in the box.
If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
So, being a mirror inspector... ...is a job I could really see myself doing.
I'd like a new frog please. But you bought one only yesterday. What happened? It Kermit-ted suicide.
Three penguins 3 penguins are walking down the road in Arizona. First one looks at the other two and says " what the fuck we doing out here!!!!"
I became a proud dad today. He's four but he was a boring little shit for the first three years.
Bert walks up to Ernie and asks, "Ernie, you want some ice cream?" Ernie says, "Sure, Bert!"
I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.'' 'Bob, that's a cat.'
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels still killing Indians.
1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Why did the calf cross the road? To get to the udder side
What did the little cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? My toe sis!
I think it's fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Success is like a clitoris. I can't seem to find it.
who said i can't tell the difference between humans and fruit? are you bananas
I have a fear of speedbumps But I'm slowly getting over it.
please help laptop problem I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.
HELLO, 911? I'M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT'S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE'RE FALLING UP
Why don't you give a college kid fried chicken? Because their too hopped up on crack and politics to have an appetite.
Why is lettuce my favorite vegetable? Just cos.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat. Then I remember they just feed off attention.
My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.
When Facebook goes down, everyone comes to Twitter to talk about it. When Twitter goes down, the world falls mute.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you're welcome
Why is the Energizer Bunny such a slut? He takes 2 Ds at the same time
A husband and wife are getting married.... Minister: And now your wedding vows Groom: A E I O U Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously? Groom: sometimes....why?
*glamorously folds laundry *seductively wipes off countertops *slowly bends over to pick up toys *sexily trips over the cat...
If all the nations in the world are in the debt where did all the money go?
Why is all the racism in America downstairs? That's where we keep them chained up.
Why did the Germans loose WWII? They kept Stalin around.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
My mother took me to the symphony when I was a child.. But we had to leave because of all the sax and violins.
My neighbor has 2 dogs... Their names are Rolex and Timex They're watch dogs.
Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day
Did you hear about the guy who'd just broken up with his Asian girlfriend? He felt a little disoriented.
What's a redditors favorite Imagine Dragons song GOLD!
I'm great in bed... I can sleep for days.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi's baby.
How did the media know JFK was cheating on his wife? They saw him getting blown in the back seat.
What do you call a gay man in Russia? Forbidden fruit.
Local coffee drinker... Local man caught after stealing a month's worth of coffee. He was charged with resisting a rest.
Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you've done for other people?
Jokes about deporting Mexicans aren't funny They're despicable.
[interview] "Describe yourself in three words." Me: responds poorly to authority
What do you call a bicycle with no seat? A real pain in the ass.
Guy: Are you pregnant? Me: No, I'm a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS. Guy: ..... Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient...
Attention, guys wearing "skinny Jeans", you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way
What do you call a police officer that deals in sibling rape An Incestigator
ME: gimme a double BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar] ME: no I meant a double Scotch BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]
Don't open a store on Mt. Everest You'd be surprised how quickly things go downhill from there...
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood? A spaghetto
I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.
What did the Chinese cowboy say? Nii haw!
How does Sherlock prefer his tea? Steeped in mystery!
The EU is much like a bad fart. Better out than in.
Couldn't look worse today. Time to run into an ex...
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out-standing in his field
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday  cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat stink and be merry!
Did you hear they found bones on the dark side of the moon? The cow never made it.
[Reguest] Can you tell me a joke that's translatable in any language? So not jokes like the current front page: http://i.imgur.com/Hp8K3vB.png
What do you call a hooker who doesn't use protection? NSFW
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo.
Me and snoop dog worked together. It was a joint project
What size box of condoms do you never want to buy? The family size.
What's black and eats pussy? Cervical Cancer
What is a dog lover's favorite cookie? Keebler
You know I think Fight Club is pretty underrated. Nobody talks about it these days
What do you call butt sex in public? PDAnal
Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.
When is a door, not a door? ... when it's ajar.
Last call for me is when my phone is at 10% battery.
I walked by a girl the other day who I swore had twelve nipples Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Somalis at the Olympics... The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.
Eight glasses of water a day? Nope. I do a minimum of sixteen. Keeps you looking young. Take me for example. I was born in 1926.
Why can we never actually see the sun? Because it's in da-skies!
What kind of food can't blind people eat? Seafood.
My son asked me what made the Fourth Crusade different from the first three. I told him it was a little unorthodox.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone's sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Of course you can trust me with your secret. *Calls local news team
How big is the US-Mexico border wall going to be? It's gonna be YUGE!!!
7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check? Me: I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
Before you criticise someone... Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticise them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
why did the printing company only print in small print? because yo momma works there and she can only print in LARGE PRINT GET REKT SIT DOWN SHUT UP!
Two pancakes walk in the desert. One of them tells the other one: "Your jam fell off."
If your name is Sullivan, you've got a good name, but if you go by your nickname you've Sully'd your good name
Did you hear about what happened when the anime studio tried to make a sex-ed video? Kids kept getting confused about why the octopus was showing up.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night.
I love the way the Earth rotates... It makes my day.
Careful! Angry dog in the backyard! Please do not crush him.
What do you call a room full of Amish prostitutes? A furry fish market.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Whats worse than 10 babies nailed to 1 tree? 1 baby nailed to 10 trees.
Whenever a guy named Stephen tells me what to do, I like to yell, "you're not my real hen!" and run away...
Don't ask a pregnant lady "do you know the sex?" obviously she knows about sex she's pregnant you stupid idiot
What do you get when you cross a mad cow and an angry sheep? ...An animal in a very baaaaaaad mooooooood
Darth Vader could never find love.... He was looking in Alderaan places.
What's a vaccines favorite song? Shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They're still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
So Porifera are hanging out in the ocean 680 million years ago.. ..when a Ctenophore swims by. One to the other asks, "What just happened there?" Buddy says "Eumetazoa."
Islam Is a religion of peace
Why is is called Holy Water ? Cause Holy God does it feel good when I use it to wash that alter boy's blood of my dick.
Anybody ever taken a Billy may's poop everytime you think it's over it's like but wait there's more
So I met this really nice girl at the zoo! She was a keeper.
"I Wish I Had Her Skin!" - Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
What do you call a super cool assassin? A badassassin.
TIL Kurt Cobain didn't have a license. He preferred riding shotgun
When I see a plate of food, I eat it, rather than photograph it like a dangerous psychopath with no respect for God's Law.
How do you jump out of a fifteen-floors building without getting hurt? You jump from the 1st one.
I came home to find shit all over my rug. Owning a dog would really help me feel better right about now.
why did the chicken cross the road it didn't.
What did the blonde say when she saw the  sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
I hope you guys like one-line antijokes
*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars' girlfriend* *Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it* *it explodes and both of them die*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, "I can't do it if you're watching." #MyFamilyIsWeird
"Doctors report a new super effective painkiller." Its axed shaped for splitting headaches!
So, this dugong was all up in my face today askin what kinda shirt I was wearin. I said, "Manatee."
People are like lottery tickets. You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.
I'm going to be a clown for Halloween. So I can finally get shot.
[high seas] FIRST MATE: I can't wait to see my wife again PIRATE: Land Ho! FIRST MATE: Now look, that's a little rude
4 out of 5 urologists... ...smell their apple juice before they drink it.
That movie was so bad... ...only Helen Keller liked it.
So, I'm painting a big blue rectangle in my backyard. So Google Earth will think that I have a pool :/
Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl Me: SWEET! Mr. Buffalo: And a boy Me: So, I guess you could say he's your... Bi-son
My family and I went to visit this new zoo that opened up recently but they only had a single canine there It was a shih tzu
Why don't they play poker in Africa? Too many cheetahs
Air resistance Is a jerk
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? Because all the fans left
My girlfriend might be a bit clingy, but she sure is going places... Like home. Go home.
How do you compliment a girl with a cold sore? You tell her that her smile is contagious.
What do you call a banana you want tomorrow in spanish? Banana
*notices battery is at 4%* *goes into airplane mode* *turns down brightness* *exits all apps* *prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I think the republican party is correct on a few key issues like...
What is a firefighter's favorite video game console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U HINT: Say it outloud
So I've always wanted to try the homosexual thing... ... but I get claustrophobic in tight spaces.
Son, it's ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car... "OMG DAD. WOW-" ...dboard box. "But-" Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Never marry a tennis player... Love means nothing to them.
if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing
No wine. No peace. Know wine. Know peace.
what is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted
My Acquaintance said he'd make a better electrician than me. I told that cunt I wouldn't be too phased.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains? ZOMBIE 2: because. It's food for thought! haha ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Who is Donald Trumps favorite Pixar character? WALL-E
I once had a job circumcising Elephants The pay was low, but the tips were *huge*
I used to hokey pokey But now I turned myself around
What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
I always thought my brother was studying weather. . . But whenever I ask him he says he's studying Meaty Urology.
Did you hear about the courier who became a successful comedian? The jokes were nothing special, but his delivery was impeccable.
How do you know Axe was invented by black people? If it was white people who invented it, it would be called Ask.
What do you call a Chinese underage hooker? Sum Yung Ho
What sort of perfume do snakes prefer ?  Poison by Christian Dior !
What do you call a psychoanalysis game show? Family Freud
When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron Because even God can't hit a one-iron
My friend's mum has a saying "40 is the new 30". Lovely woman. Banned from driving though.
So glad guys with twirly mustaches don't tie up girls to railroad tracks anymore.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it. Don't do that.
Why are midgets so skinny? Because they eat h*elf*ally
My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle. Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.
Being romantic as an awkward mathematician is hard... I called my girlfriend 1/cos(c) to try and compliment her but I don't think she caught my drift. Can't blame her though, that's a triggy one.
I sneezed and my bra unsnapped. I think this cold is trying to seduce me.
It's my life. I'll live it, I'll love it, and I won't care what you think of it.
Request: jokes about the color turquoise. And jokes about the color pink. Do your worst. Dad jokes preferred
Turns out she has a boyfriend.. I see this hot girl wating for the bus so I got over there and said: "Hey, you are fucking hot!" and she is like: "Have you seen Taken, if not - look at me".
How do snowmen read their e-mails? With an icy-stare!
Thieves .. Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap,shower gel,towels and deodorant.Dirty Bastards.
Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies "Outside playing with Paki-Dave."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bar-B-Q! Bar-B-Q who ? Bar-B-Q-t but I think you're even cuter !
My son got mad unfollowed me... I disconnected his phone. -I win
You better brush your teeth everyday... Oral-B very mad!
What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night? He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.
When I woke up this morning I was like, "I really can't stay" but my bed was like, "Baby, it's cold outside."
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It's only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*When I see someone else jaywalk* "What an idiot." *When I jaywalk* "I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself."
Whats a sign a subreddit has strong moderation? [removed]
Why are furries always found guilty at trial? A furry curries only fury from a jury.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella with him everywhere? Fa Drizzle
Coal is like anal sex... The ones calling it clean aren't taking it up the ass.
TIL The queen bee has sex with up to 40 males per day. Just like your mom.
They found Richard III's skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
What do you call a singing bottle of mustard? Celine Dijon
My dog walked across my laptop keyboard and mashed a bunch of keys, but I didn't delete it because it's better than anything I wrote today.
Three men in a boat with four cigarettes and no matches. How do they get to smoke their cigarettes? They throw one cigarette overboard, which make the boat a cigarette lighter.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame* I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Disney Pixar collection, except one.
I used to play football for Jerry Sandusky. I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.
I'm in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.
UPS driver jumps out within 2 sec
Is your refrigerator running? Because if your fridge is moving on its own volition you have bigger fucking problems than the goddamn election
whose playing shaggy so much? Velma
What was the oak's favorite subject? Chemistree.
What's the difference in jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat!
Why does Steven Hawking hate the band Muse? Because he can't stand their song Uprising, it wants him to rise up and take the power back.
Why doesn't Angelina Jolie like peaches? Because of the "Pit"
MERS is infecting people in Saudi Arabia... And Haj is just around the corner!
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
So a piece of bacon and a biscuit walk into a bar... And the bartender says, "Sorry but we don't serve breakfast here"
I ate some Tesco burgers last night. I think it's given me the trots.
What did the Hawaiian man say when he say the buffet? Aloha Snackbar
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
"There's no 'u' in 'favorite'" - coach telling his British son that he prefers his American son
how do you organize a party in space? you planet.
What is the difference between an art student and a dead baby? The dead baby can feed a family of four.
I always used to think my parents are like siblings' sounds so much better than, my parents are, like, siblings.'
I started studying abroad today... ... The first thing I learned is that they don't like being called broads.
I would've been an actor, but I was afraid of being cast as the idiot that throws his gun when he runs out of bullets.
I have a job as an official in the 15 year old girl's relay race. It's not bad work but I have to stopwatching.
There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE Waiter: ahem *points to sign* Me: oh that's fine, I'm not ordering anything
Can you open your mouth without showing your teeth? You're hired.
I've got a new habit. And a naked dead nun.
Why did the Catholic cross herself?
"It's a bird!" "It's a plane!"... What the hell were those two so excited about?
What did Hitler say to the Black Jew? ja, ja, arsch ficken mich harter, gestut
Why did Donald Trump buy a Wu Tang Clan shirt? Because Wu Tang sounds more cosmopolitan than Ku Klux.
Q: How did the artist paint a picture? A: Easel-y.
From my 7 year old daughter: What do you call a girl shell? A she shell.
Whats the incredible hulks favourite drink? Incredible mulk
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade? A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse Bill Clinton.
I was reminded of the Cleveland man that kept those women locked in his basement, so I wrote a basement joke... but I realised that it's beneath me.
Tell me your best joke?
My dad keeps trying to teach us... My dad keeps trying to teach us about our partially Eskimo heritage, but I don't care. I'm just not Inuit.
What's Bob Marley's favorite dessert? Pot pie.
Would you rather...? Would you rather have fucked a goat but nobody knows, or everyone thinks you fucked a goat but you didnt and there's no way to change their mind?
Why were the bakers hands brown? Because he kneeded a poo
Why did Adele cross the road? Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
What's the most popular Russian streaming service? Nyetflix
Did you hear about the blonde tap dancer? She  fell in the sink!
"We're up all night to get Loki" -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Roses are red.. Violets are blue... If Rebecca Black wins a Grammy, Kanye, you know what to do!
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said "no" so he's obviously the smartest man alive
An artilleryman says what? What? Right. What? What. He says what. What?
After a long time of procrastination I read that book about the 4th dimension. It's about time...
My dad told me that the future was in my hands Didn't know that the future was 9 inches long
What's the first thing the pope did after resigning? Asked Jerry Sandusky for his lil black book.
I can't believe the Toronto maple leafs even have a website They can't even put THREE W's together!
Your Gay? I thought about being gay. But eons and eons of time made me into a tit loving. Vagina eating monster i just cant stop.
What's the best way to receive down votes on reddit? Wohahaha! That was funny! XD
Two silkworms are are racing each other... And they ended up in a tie.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving without a parachute, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
This one will probably take a while to understand. What kind of grades did Hitler make in school? Not C's!
stadium announcer: "STADIUM!"
Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks "Who might you be?" "I AM THORRRR!!!" His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."
What's Chris Brown's favorite professional sport? Sockher
I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company. We're not very good.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That's not true
Me: *wakes up screaming* Wife: What's wrong? Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again Wife: Need some help? Me: AHHH
What Pokemon can you find at Auschwitz? Gastly
Which one of the smurfs is the only one to recycle? Smurfette, as she's the only one with a blue box! Lol
What is the difference between a baby and a onion? No one cries when you chop up the baby.
Why can't animals ever have an olympics? Because there's always a cheetah
My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day... He brought her out and said, "meet patty"
In the navy, how do you separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I had a dream I was a muffler I woke up exhausted
Somebody needs to tell Tim Burton about the other actors
Can't ever go back to work after what my boss just said to me "You're fired"
If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a "cronut," which is croissant/donut. We call these people "midiots," which is a moron/idiot.
What do you get when you mix lemonade and ice tea? A dead golfer...
I was going to make a joke about relaxing meditation techniques... ...but zen again, maybe I won't.
I was talking to a hot North African girl for hours. We just clicked
Dolly Parton and Princess Diana Go To Heaven
Why don't you put eggs in a microwave? Because they eggsplode. :D
The inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he'll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.
What no running shoes and Neo-Nazis have in common? Both make Jews run faster! (Sorry, but as an agnostic Jew myself, I hope that it's okay for me to make this joke.)
*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*
What would Vincent Van Gogh be if he was a sheep? Lamb Gogh
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
What do the song "Dixie Chicken" and a Klansman have in common? You would refer to both as a Fowl(/ul) Southerner.
I'm torn between feeling like I can do anything if I wanted to, and feeling like I don't want to do anything because I don't want to.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my -- Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!
Why are clickbait titles generally in the form of a question?
A pedo, an alcoholic, and a priest walk in to a bar. And that's just the first guy.
Your Mom: Over 10,000,000,000 Served
A quick question... How do I disable the autocorrect function on my girlfriend?
News to me: When they wash your hair after a haircut, it's considered rude to say "your breasts smell like a ham sandwich".
What do you tell two lesbians before they start a play? Break a leg! (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scissoring)
David Cameron that there is a joke all on its own
I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.
[Request] Jokes or puns about a broken arm. Friend broke his arm and I'm trying to cheer him up, can be insulting if you want.
The hog was a failure as a TV talk show host  What happened? He turned out to be a big boar.
How does Donald Trump plan to silence the terrorists? Muzzle 'em
We live in a time of delicious cakes.
What's big and purple and hugs your Easter  basket? The Easter Barney!
"I like your tree's earring." "That's a tire swing."
I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.
Marriage is like Comcast. Frustrating as hell and once a month you get screwed.
I used to do drugs... i still do, but i also used to.
My favorite prank phone-call gag when I was a child: Call store, ask, "Do you have cotton-balls?" After confirmation that the store has cotton-balls, "Does it tickle when you walk?"
How do dinosaurs smell? Ex-stinky
My shorts are hydrophobic They don't repel water, they just think it shouldn't be able to adopt or get married.
Why was Cleopatra so negative? Because she was queen of denial.
Whats that when you keep moving constantly produces something white ? Its toothbrush dear dirty minded people..
Spell electricity with three letters. NRG (energy).
5: Mommy said I'm a big boy and can't sleep in her bed anymore Me [sleeping on couch] she's right son
I used to be a banker But I lost *interest*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year *eating 2nd bowl of spiders* "WHO'S AVERAGE NOW DAD?"
Dad do you remember your first blowjob? Dad: Hell yes! Son: How did it taste? Dad: Get out.
I like my women like I like my soup... With most of the skin removed.
Let's vote the pool water off that celebrity diving show.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? he woke up
Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, "Don't tell my mom."
Why do Nigerian babies cry? Midlife crisis
War does not determine who is right... ...only who is left.
A person walks into a bar. Ouch.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet? Human: we are an advanced species A: how do you travel? H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear: "The meeting's cancelled."
Why was the robber bionic? He was holding up a bank.
Lucky Friend My friend called my up the other day, happy that he finally got to cum on his wife's face. That's the benefit of an open-casket funeral.
What did one eye say to the other? Between you and I, something smells.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she's high maintenance.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
"Instead of a 58 year old woman, I wanna look like a 28 year old shiny iguana" - Plastic Surgery
What did the fish say before he hit the wall? Oh, Dam.
How many jews fit in a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back and 1000 in the ash tray.
The periodic table has expanded and the additions were rather heavy. There's no more room for any more elephants.
I've asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of crying baby next to me It turns out you can't do that if baby is yours.
Why does Dr Pepper come in a can? Because his sister is dead.
It's okay if you didn't notice that I switched my beard trimmer's setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
What is a Mexican with a rubber toe called Roberto
How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas? They all gather around their cash registers and sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."
[praying mantis first date] Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn't want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs
How do you get a guitar player to shut up? Put sheet music in front of him
It's funny when guys say "treat your girl right or I will" lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?
[chef interview] BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon ME: Yeah, that means you're missing a jar
My father got crushed by a falling piano. His funeral was very low key.
Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life? He had a stable job. I guess uh.. I'll just leave
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Haven't put on a bra in like... 5 days. Being a dude is great
BF: Will you marry me? GF: Do we have to live together? BF:
Friend: You thinking what I'm thinking? Me: It's bullshit there weren't schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament? F: ....
Hard to say which dinosaur was the sexiest.
Why do you always see beggars at protests? They're always looking for some sort of change!
Love me sister, I incest.
a strain of weed that permanently erases your memories and reduces your brainwaves to the carefree infantile state of a newborn baby
Did you hear about the man who won a lifetime supply of Marijuana Lotion. He hit the jackpot.
old one's are the best. that's why i'm barred from the care home.
I'm fine with bestiality as long as it's consensual. Neigh means neigh
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing... They're both stuck up cunts.
Oxygen hydrogen sodium sodium Whats my name
If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than I can handle.
So my girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day... And I said that's a big word for a 5 year old.
What do you get when you cross dessert with a monkey? A Meringueutan
I hate it when I remove myself from around people to fart in peace and they follow me right after I have release a big one.
My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele last night. She ended up rolling in the jeep.
[texting my girlfriend] wyd? "Just finished my homework" Cool, Send a pic (; ? *gf sends a nude* Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!
If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.
Gay Marriage in China... (Joke Originally from Comedian Jeffery Ross) Why Is gay Marriage Illegal in China? NO SUBSTITUTIONS!
How much of a difference is there between the penis and testis? A vas deferens.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Why did the proctologist have his cars towed to the auto repair shop? He rectum.
"Oh, you're left handed?" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I'm just doing it for show
OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!! ME: OMG *clutches guns* [7 years later] ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever
Did you hear about the tragedy at the Hipster company's work retreat? There were several hundred casual tees.
What has 5 balls and rapes the poor? The lottery.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins] Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff! [aside] maybe Batman shouldn't talk
BREAKING NEWS A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you're donating blood...
A Pagan sees a particularly shocking event ... "Deer *god*!"
How do you feel when there's no more coffee? depresso
what do you do if a blonde women throws a grenade at you? Catch it pull then pin out and throw it back .. *blonde lady
What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires? He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."
A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?" Me: "I dunno, what?" Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger and then it hit me.
What's the difference between a final exam and an orgy? In an orgy, you fuck and then get tested. In a final exam, you get tested and then you're fucked.
I know the best way to get downvoted. I'll tell you if someone gives me gold!
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.
Miss Piggy Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because when she gets to 69, there's a frog in her throat
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar? There's never a line for the bathroom.
A kiss makes my whole day, but anal...(NSFW) ..makes my hole weak.
Never marry a cross-eyed woman They're always seeing someone on the side.
Two candles wanted to get high... They lit up and got low instead. Happy 4/20!
Cute names to call your girlfriend with 1.sugar 2.honey 3.flour 4.egg 5.1/2 lb butter 6.stir 7.pour into pan 8.preheat to 375
New Drinking Age in Alabama They raised the drinking age to 32 in Alabama to keep alcohol out of high schools.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the  important parts.
I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts....  she gave me change!
Why doesn't Trump's campaign manager answer his phone? Unlike him it doesn't have battery charge.
My wife is getting fatter... I noticed when her whip cream bikini turned into a one piece
"How did you get those scars?" [Flashback to me running into a glass door] They're from Cage fighting.
Can you guess how many turkeys we're gonna serve tomorrow? Turkey-two j.k. we don't celebrate thanksgiving here lol happy normal day to us
What type of road race do Donald Trump supporters run? 3 K's
"What's wrong with our country?" OBAMA! "Who are we going to reelect in 2012?" OBAMA!
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
"Action, camera, lights!" - dyslexic and now unemployed director
If To Catch a Predator was a TLC show it would have ended with Chris Hanson getting caught by himself
Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard? He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
Legend of Tarzan 2: Tarzan meets other primates. He befriends them all. He teaches them to fight. It's a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
"..so that's the story of Christmas. Questions?" Where do turtledoves come from? "Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other.."
Why did the butcher divorce his wife? He caught her eating his competitor's meat!
What do you call it when a psychic midget escape from prison? A small medium at large
I finally stopped my roomate from biting his nails. All i had to do was make him wear shoes.
What do you call a door only used by prostitutes? Ho-dor
I wonder if, in Ancient Greece, Lighting strikes were considered an "Act of God" by insurance companies.
If laughter is the best medicine, then most facebook status updates are Herpes, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis and Syphilis all rolled into one.
A dog had three puppies: Mopsy, Topsy, and Spot. What was the mother's name. 'What'
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a car windscreen? Its arse.
What subreddit do unborn babies use? Pro Life Tips.
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead, I would choose someone who is dead so I didn't have to listen to them chew.
Blizzards are like sex it's really fun while it's happening but afterwards there's a lot of white stuff laying around that no one knows what to do with
You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I just went to an emotional wedding. even the cake was in tiers.
I cheated on my 24 year old girlfriend I apologized and told her my mistress is half the woman she is. "That's because she's 12!", said my girlfriend.
When Piaget studies children he becomes a well known name. When I study children I get escorted out of my local park.
I have an idea for a movie combining my two favorite genres. Zombies and Mafia...I'm going to call it "Deadfellas".
Cheese &amp; Milk Just as I was getting home last night a guy hit me with a block of cheese. I thought that wasn't very mature. He then ran over and pour milk all over my head. I thought HOW DAIRY!!!
Want to take the wind out of my sails? Walk past my table at the restaurant with what I thought was my meal.
Some people might as well post "Wants Attention" as their Facebook status
A red dot walks into a bar. Period.
Drinking could cause memory loss. Or even worse, memory loss.
Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.
What's the difference between Bono and God? God doesn't walk around Dublin pretending he's Bono
I heard Simon say, "Turn to the next page."
I told my wife 'a blowjob a day keeps the doctor away.' For Christmas she bought me better medical coverage.
Cows What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom.
What organ in the body never dies? THE LIVER. ometrist will copyright this joke. hopefully.
I wish people would stop making fun of me for being fat. I have enough on my plate as it is.
What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!
Someone stole my mood ring and I don't know how I feel about that.
My friends are taking me to a restaurant called DogHouse "Is that a Korean place?"
Why do Italian men grow moustaches? They want to look like their mothers.
What's it called when Obama and Paul Ryan meet up for dinner? A government mandate.
What is the difference between an arrested public masturbator and a period? The period comes after the sentence.
I'm sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn't notice.
Dear necessity, happy mothers day! -Invention.
This new fish cooking channel sounds kinda dirty. Especially, the Filet Show.
So I studied abroad in college... She never called me back though.
Most conversations that occur over Bluetooth are about buying a used jet ski.
Me: "I feel like I'm 90 years old." My Skin: "Let's go through puberty again."
AFTER 69 Q: What comes after 69? A: Mouthwash.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Which one is closer, Sun or Africa? Teacher: Which one is closer, Sun or Africa? Johnny: Sun Teacher: Why? Johnny: We can see the sun all the time, but can't see Africa.
I tried a new shampoo that adds extra volume but I found it too loud.
Can't believe I've already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Vaccination awareness is rising Last night I saw a young man vaccinate himself behind a dumpster
ME ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
Where do tech guys with diarrhea go to work? IBM
"Why?"- existential owl
what do you call a mentally unstable ursine that lives in the antarctic? A bi-polar bear.
What department store is named after the things jews hate the most and love the most? JC Penney. ^I'm ^^going ^^^to ^^^^hell.
Q: What is a dentist's office? A: A filling station.
If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
What do snakes have on their bath towels ?  Hiss and Hers !
What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture.
I don't like my doctor who was incredibly offensive today... ... All I asked her was how I was supposed to take the suppositories she prescribed.
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus !
You people from the internet freak me the fuck out.
I thought it was funny... I asked a guy with Tourette's what made him tic... He didn't find the humor.
The clock was hungry... So he went back four seconds
Why do Japanese women like foreign men? Japanese men can't look them in the eye. Kappa
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one...watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
What do you call a Jewish incendiary device? A mazal tov cocktail
When a girl has a ponytail... -Hey, what do you call that hairstyle? -A ponytail? -Ah, it really compliments your horse face.
After a night of heavy drinking' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.
My blood type is also my life motto: B Positive
Where does marine wildlife get treated? The Squid-ward.
A man with ejaculatory disorder ran up behind me... Jesus he really came out of nowhere.
Did you hear about the amazing new prosthetic device for paraplegics? It's called a Vegetable Stand.
Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off the boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd fall back into the boat.
My dad told me his New Years resolution was to embrace his mistakes. He hugged my sister and I :(
Why did the suicide attempt of the stormtrooper fail? He tried to shoot himself but missed.
Did you hear the joke about the Irish city? You'll be Dublin over in laughter when you do.
My boss asked me to send him the funniest joke i've got.... ...I sent him a picture of my paycheck
I started a band called 999 megabytes.... ...we have yet to secure a gig.
I'm not a quitter. "Lights cigarette"
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? (From u/cherryslurpee) I won't pay 100 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer? A: You make my temperature rise.
"Don't even talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee." - Portland, Oregon
Shit old people Google: 1. Dubstep 2. Skrillrex 3. Hashtag 4. DTF 5. Steampunk 6. Pinterest 7. Linsanity 8. Scarlett Johansson naked
On a flight with my friend, he asks "if the door was to blow open would we fall out?" I reply "nah I'm pretty sure we'd still be friends
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers? Me: idk i've never done it B4 Gma: holy shit you're a natural
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway!
Germany's survey (x-post from r/German_Humour) Survey in Germany: 'Do you thing there are too many foreigners in Germany?' 10%: 'YES!' 10%: 'NO!' 80%: ' !'
[mall food court] Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Why do girls like nice guys? Cause nice guys always finish last.
If I knit you a sweater, Computer, will you stop freezing?
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Upon seeing my wife and my mate fucking in our bed, I noticed that they made a very beautiful couple. So I clubbed them together
Take your husband's last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You're the husband now.
Babies are like new tattoos They are yours forever, but you should probably hold off posting pictures for a bit until they aren't raw and weird looking anymore.
I used to have a pet piglet.... I used to have a pet piglet, watching it discover the world was really interesting at first. But after a few months it became a bit of a boar.
What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Girl are you the Iraq invasion because this was a mistake
Chinese parents give birth to girl [removed] Source: im a chinaman Edit: im a chinaman
Did you hear about the two deaf men who walked into a bar? Neither did they.
Did you know someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds? I feel bad for the poor fella.
Remember that guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car crash? Yeah he's alright now.
My mother and father switched roles; I can't see them anymore. They're trans-parents. Sorry. ;)
To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope! Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot... & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka
I was going to make a Nazi joke but. It is out of mein kampfort zone.
Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with the three guys? She came back with a red snapper.
Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.
What did the cow say to the farmer named Mitch? Moo Mitch, get out the hay
[helping my kid with contractions] Me: Would've Her: Would have M: Nice. I'll H: I will M: Good. Won't H: Won not M: Excellent
TUPAC IS DEAD BIGGIE IS DEAD AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends? Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.
Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria's trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?
A hipster so cool he is reading a tree
Where do angry mailmen work? At the pissed office.
Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to  Granny. Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!
Why did a pile of gravel go to jail? aggregated basalt
Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to win the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Caitlin ! Caitlin who ? Caitlin you my trainers tonight I'm wearing them !
People are generally unhappy until they get what they want, then the cycle starts all over again.
"Oh great. Another puppy." - Sarah McLachlan's friends at Christmas
Why's it so hard for blind people to commit crimes? Because they can't see.
How do you know when someone smokes weed? Dont worry, they'll tell you.
I decided I am going to be a virgin... so that I can set a good example for my children
Have you heard the one about the late pizza guy? Just gotta work on the delivery.
Q: Why couldn't the chicken fly through the window? A: It was closed.
Lost airport chameleon finally found after hiding in plane site
I used to have a part time job helping a one-armed typist write capital letters It was shift work.
It's been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.
Why'd the farmer win the lifetime achievement award? Because he was always out standing in his field.
What's a feminist's favourite school lesson? Triggernometry.
I used to be addicted to playing with Play-Doh But now I'm reformed
What do you do with a zombie chef? Skillet
What is the difference between a teacher and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four...
Y'know, I don't understand all the fuss about using 3D printers to make guns. I've had a Canon printer for years!
How is a woman like a bar? Liquor in the front, poker in the back  (   )
Why was the teacher cross-eyed? He couldn't control his pupils.
SOBER is actually an acronym that stands for: Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real
What do all men at single's bars have in common? They're married.
God's son died single, but he'll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
In the 90's did the backstreet boys have a cafeteria? I mean a bacteria.Thank you ladies and germs.
Kanye and Kim Are having their 2nd baby That's the joke.
A hooker has sex with a leper... he said "keep the tip."
I was going to make my friend some spaghetti... But sadly he pasta whey!
My Clothes Dryer sounds like Zoidberg. wub wub wub wub wub wub....
Don't bore a girl by saying she's beautiful, like every other shallow creep Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Accidentally broke my Irish friend's Pixar movie... He wasn't amused, but he did say, "You cracked me Up."
What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen prefer ? I.C. !
What do you call a tank rolling through the streets of poland? Ghetto Blaster
My mom called me 4 times in a row and woke me up to tell me this joke. I'm so excited about spring i wet my plants!
Me: I like my coffee like I like my ex-wives. My buddy (rolling his eyes): Hot and black? Me: Bitter.
9: Have you seen my harmonica? [flashback to me smashing it with a hammer] me: Did you look under your bed?
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.
A cow stumbled upon a marijuana field about to get harvested. It quickly turned into a high steak situation. haha?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. He looks at the bar tender and says "Five drinks please."
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top. -me to my beer.
How do you make a little girl cry twice? Wipe you dick off on her teddy bear. I...I'm sorry. I was told this by a schoolmate in middle school.
What do they do with rope in space? Tie Astro-knots.
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car next to an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hangar.
I saw a shop called Lasting Impressions, they sell brass knuckles.
Beauty is only skin deep... but it sure looks good on the ladies.
Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
Hippos... It's not as easy as you think... Why do hippopotamus' have sex in the water? Have you ever tried keeping a 30lb pussy wet?
I haven't spoken to my wife in 6mths, I don't like to interrupt her.
What's black and white and red all over? A slaughtered penguin.
I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
It's colder than...
How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, but it only takes one to get it [removed]
The good news about falling down the stairs is that my Fitbit counted it as a mile walk.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A: fo drizzle b: fo shizzle C: fo nizzle D: fo bizzle
TIL Diarrhea is hereditary It runs in your jeans
Ask me if you can join the pee club... Do it!
Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he's a spider.
Jesus rose on the third day. He then went over to the men and said... "Hola, senor! What is my job?"
Mad Cow Disease So two cows are talking in a field, The first cow says "hey man, you worried about this mad cow disease that is going around?" The second cow says "Naw bro, I'm a helicopter."
What's a musician's favourite kitchen utensil? A Chopin' knife!
AlgeBron James is the best mathlete in the league
What did the Sewage Worker say to his apprentice? Urine for a surprise. ^^^^^sorry
What do you call a communist sniper? A Marxman
If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."
What do you call a rich Chinese? https://i.imgur.com/txMwWBX.jpg
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, "significantly less bleeding." Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Great jokes are like miscarriage. They never get old.
Her:"my blinkers don't work I think I'm out of blinker fluid" Me:"your car doesn't have blinker fluid." Her:"I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION"
What do you call it when Batman leaves church early? A Christian Bail
Quit embarrassing me in front of my friends, iPod shuffle.
My neighbors listens to awesome music whether they like it or not.
So Jeffrey Dahmer goes to the doctor... After some tests, the doctor tells Jeffery that he's tested positive for Hepatitis. Jeffrey responds "It must of been something I ate."
Not afraid of death anymore because I just woke up from a nap I didn't even know I was having.
Guys, P Diddy now wants to be referred to as "Skiddle Biddle Bo Bee Bop."
*Lowers raised hand. Where's the nearest cycle path you meant? Thought you said psychopath.
What do bad photographs and the Irish famine have in common? Potato quality
Did you hear about the guy who went streaking through a church? The priest caught him by the organ.
Sunday and Monday stand back to back, spraying darkness in both directions.
A girl to her friend... "isn't that guy hot? I am gonna ask him out" "he doesn't look good when he laugh" - said the other girl "don't worry, he won't laugh anymore"
ABORTION BILL A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?" The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."
When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.
Writing about 2 dinosaurs who hate crime. They make motorcycles & badges from the meteorite that killed their dino buds. Called TriceraCOPS!
Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle  between two and four in the afternoon? That's when dinosaurs are jumping out of palm trees.
I used to be in a band called Cheap Viagra'. We didn't make it very big.
So Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle is being investigated for child pornography I guess he really did want to "eat fresh"
Where do ghosts go for their holidays?  The Dead Sea.
I'm expended, I'm expensive, And I'm expanded. ... Ijkwim.
Putting candles on a cake Is wishful thinking
LPT: For those of you that always feel the need to click on every link (and end up wasting a lot of time on the internet).. ...gotcha.
With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.
The current "feminist" movement
Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.
And the award for the best neckwear goes to... Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!
What happened when the man put in mypenis as a password? Error not long enough.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... A small child walks out of an arcade. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "Let's fuck him!" the rabbi turns and says "Out of what?"
What do you call a belt made of dollar bills? A waist of money.
Why was the ketchup in the refrigerator embarrassed? He saw the salad dressing! Thank you thank you..
What do you call sunscreen in Ireland? Pubs
Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.
What do you call an Irish armchair? Patty O'Furniture
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
What is the opposite of paranoia? Thinking you are following someone.
I was flirting with this teenager on the internet... ...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?
i love hoodies man. am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him
What does Lebron use to high jump? The Flosberry Flop.
What did the short boy bring to high school? A ladder.
Women are like potato chips They better come with my fucking sandwich
What is the difference between homeless people and feminists? Sometimes the homeless get change.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.
Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.
I'm not saying the wife's a bit rough but you can see all the blokes on the beach dressing her with their eyes.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
John Cena pay-per-view matches don't sell anymore in the UK. Because when John Cena visits UK, EU can't see him. *Ba dum tss*
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese.
Half-life 3 has finally been announced at E3!! :(
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you're talking about. - "That's exactly what ignorant means." I don't get it.
Talking with a 17 year-old who is 'living life with no regrets' reminds me of that time I got in a shouting match with a trout.
I tried to catch fog today Mist
Once you go black... Single mother for life.
I recently threw my dog into the Thames and he didn't sink He always was a good buoy.
If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
*texting with my mom* Mom: I miss your handsome face! Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too! Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.
I learned a lot of Mandarin in just one semester! Though I could have sworn the syllabus said "Calculus 2".
Trump must be Hitler... ...because he sure is killin the pol(l)s right now!
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
[Short] What is the best color? Reddit
Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn't have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn't make so much god damn noise!
After hearing all this stuff about Russia being upset I'm just like... Oh Putin, Crimea river.
Why does Donald Trump love all colors? He heard all colors add up to white.
The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich... And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
An essay is like a girl's skirt... It should be long enough to cover the important parts, but short enough to still be interesting.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack "Dad I swear they're not mine" DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Maybe wishes would come true if instead of throwing a penny in a fountain you threw something in that wasn't completely useless.
If you traded your windowless van for an ice cream truck or a big red sleigh you would triple your child kidnappings.
A surface topologist sits in a coffee shop thinking deeply about his research... he takes a sip from his doughnut.
Why are pirates so mean? I dont know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
What did the mermaid wear to her math class? An algae bra.
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire
"Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5
"Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"
Sometimes love is like having one too many drinks....you feel so good that you don't notice you're making a fool of yourself.
Me: I love you! Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking? Me: It's me...talking to the vodka.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Doing sexual favors for spaghetti dinners ...makes you a pastatute
Just had a panic attack thinking how little time I've practiced picking up stuff with my toes in the event I ever lose my arms.
My neighbour has had a record 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away in fact -StewartFrancis
I call my girl Attila because she's my Hun.
I hate when my kids say "But mom; it was an accident!" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.
Do you know why God invented yeast infections? So women could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.
What would LMFAO's hit song be called if they were Russian? "I'm Slavic and I know it"
What covers the outside of a dogwood tree? Bark.
They say that you should never bring your work home with you. Especially if you're a boxer.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music? Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
What do you say when the Batmobile drives by? Na na na na na na na na BAT MAN What do you say when a stolen Batmobile drives by? Na na na na na na na na BLACK MAN
My cow got Parkinson's Now she only produces milkshakes.
I turned my hobby into a job - George, Gynecologist
My dad asks my little brother, "Hey son do you know what sea monster's favorite snack is?" "Ships and dip!" *dips chip in dip*
Did you hear about that group of midgets suing the local bar? Yeah, they were upset with how short the stools were. The judge threw out the case, though; told them they were grasping at straws.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
What is the difference between a peeping tom and a pick pocket? A pickpocket snatches watches
I tried to change my password to mypenis But it said it was too long.
To prepare her for real life I make my daughter pretend to tweet on a toy phone when she's taking a crap.
Where's the best place to explore? Rome.
[NSFW] If you're born with a penis you're a boy, a vagina, you're a girl, but...... If your born with a couple of cunts for parents then you're probably gender neutral
What do Asian pirates do? They fry pranes
The fact that the British call math "maths" scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Yo momma so fat... yo momma so fat, I crashed into her for 15 minutes
What's a porn star's favorite dessert? Cookies and MILF
Lost three toes in a wood-chopping accident and my girlfriend dumped me Said she's lack-toes intolerant
My sex life is like my baseball career I've never made it to second base
The stock market has been looking thinner lately. It's lost several Pounds.
I was gonna make a joke about the internet... But Why Would We need it
[end of interview] Any questions for me? Yes. Why didn't the glass slipper also disappear at midnight? YOU ARE SO HIRED.
How do fish get stoned... ...Seaweed.
First world problems: "My fingers are frozen! I can't type!" Third world problems: "My fingers are frozen! I'll have to amputate them!"
Why do they put cotton in the top of pill bottles? So black people remember they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
Why do mermaids wear seashell bras? Because "B" shells are to small and "D" shells are too big.
What's the fastest way to heaven? It depends on the flight delays.
Where do porn actresses wait for their turn in a baseball themed orgy? The on-dick circle of course.
I hate when people ask what I hope to be doing in 5 years time I mean come on, I don't have 2020 vision
What is the internal tmperature of a taun-taun Luke warm
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Only Juan.
What do you call a fast clothes maker? Taylor Swift! Made up by my nine year old :)
a little known fact A little known fact but 6 out of 7 dwarfs ain't Happy......
Why did the chicken and the freemason cross the street? To get the Yolk Rite.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
Why did the melon insist on having a big wedding? Because it cantaloupe.
My wife and I got into a heated argument. "I met a man...but I married a boy." she said, her face full of rage. I said, "I guess the jokes on you then, paedo."
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Jesus: *turns water into wine* Me: nice Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak* Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit
Apparently Mr. Neeson's "particular set of skills" is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Have you seen Stevie wonders house? Neither has he
How do long distance runners send e-mail? On the sprin-ternet.
Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem is overused, just like your mum.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I wonder if my potential boyfriend is hiding at the bottom of this ice cream tub.
What's the most dangerous bar to go to in the middle east? The allahu ak-bar
Having friends is like having a Porsche... I'd really like to have a Porsche.
Why was the belt thrown in jail? He held up a pair of pants.
If I had a dollar for every person over 40 that told me my generation sucks I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
The weather in Saudi Arabia is pretty simple It's either sunni or shiite
Brace yourself for the shortest and corniest joke in the world What do you call a fly with no wings....... A walk
I hate when my congressman emails me to "take action" on an issue. Dude, you're the one in congress, you do something.
*Stands at produce aisle *Grabs GIANT zucchini *Holds it high in the air *Yells: Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
What's yellow and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono
i hate the outside *invents houses* i kinda miss it now *invents windows*
I hear cancer is hard to beat No one got past stage 4.
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fish."
Darth Vader is not that bad... he is the first black guy to admit he is the father.
... -_- Ash gets raped??? http://teensofhs.blogspot.com/2013/02/20000-views-celebration.html
How do you get a Jewish Girl's number? Roll up her sleeve!
If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
Did you hear about the cheese truck that crashed? The street was littered with de brie
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
Why would you ask me for directions? You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Wanna hear a joke? Feminism (I'm going to hell anyway, the least i can do is have fun on the way)
I never make "air quotes" with my fingers when I'm talking, but I do lean to the side & whisper so you sense I'm italicizing.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Drunk texts are only fun if you're the one sending them. With that said, I'm having a blast right now.
My wife was acting crazy recently. Now I have to remove her blood from the carpet. Her menstrual blood.
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? E V E R Y W H E R E
Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
I like my coffee like I like my women... Hot, mocha, and overpriced. Prostitutes. I like prostitutes.
What did the girl mushroom say about the boy mushroom? He's a real fun-guy.
If you... ... fap on an airplane, are you hijacking?
I debated suicide... I debated suicide by sudoku once. I wanted my death to count.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I'm going to try this on my wife.
It's a vagina, not a small business!
Fire at will! Why does everyone hate Will?  ^^courtesy ^^of ^^my ^^Uncle ^^Rick
what does a programmer and a photo have in common? They develop better in the dark
A Malaysian man buys a new phone... He puts it on airplane mode. Now he cant seem to find it anywhere.
when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Everyone knows someone whose laugh is always funnier than the joke.
Dicks and vaginas are like coke and Pepsi I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they taste the same.
A German underwear company has released a new line of Bra... They call it... "Stoppinzam-Fromfloppin"
Constipation Have you heard of the movie constipation? Probably not. It hasn't come out yet.
I start every conversation with my employees by saying, "I shouldn't be telling you this" just so I know they will listen.
This morning I woke up confused and in the dark. Then it dawned on me.
why did Bob quit working at the toilet paper factory? Because he was tired of working with assholes all day
Skipping School Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!" Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"
I wasn't upset about that black cat crossing my path but mouthing "you're fucked" as he passed was just rude.
How do you fit an elephant into a string bikini? You take the "s" out of "sex" and the "f" out of "way."
If you're turning left with your car, which wheel steers less? The spare one! :P
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because like most men, they won't stop to ask directions.
[romantic dinner] her: "I was hoping it might just be the two of us." ventriloquist dummy: "he said I help with his confidence."
Bisexual girls are like spaghetti. Straight until wet.
I was thinking of ways to become transgender... So I figured I'd fly to Paris. Because then I'd be abroad.
Roses are Red Violets are Red Grass are Red I think my lawn is on Fire
A kaddish is a hymn of praises to God found in a Jewish prayer service. What is its Muslim equivalent? A kaboom!
Why do old people read the bible so much? cramming for finals
Quiting smoking is easy I've done it hundreds of times.
How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know I keep throwing them it just doesn't change.
What do you call a jerk in the space program? Nasshole.
You know how they say "Good guys finish last"? Maybe thats why my mistress has never had an orgasm...
Why didn't the Mexican go bow hunting? Because he didn't habanero
How do you stop a rhino from charging? Take away his credit cards. I'll let myself out...
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives' approximations of human behavior
If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named? Cause then there would be Nosex!
How did the hipster burn his mouth? he ate the pizza before it was cool.
Rectal Myopia Calling into work: "I'm going to be out today with rectal myopia." "What's that?" "I just can't see my ass coming in."
Baked turkey for 4 and a half days - instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108! #MyProblem
I was going to tell a mean joke about EMT's but I didn't wanna get... ... carried away.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You're hot enough to cook meat on.
I went into a convenience store today... I asked the shop keeper if they sell stationery there. He replied no, they're allowed to move around.
(business meeting) *drops pen on the floor* *bends over to pick it up* *shirt comes untucked* *all the jelly beans start falling out*
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never
Why is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles? He always gets stuck on 2 Across.
What game do enemy naval officers play in the sauna? Battleshvitz
I phoned up the fishing helpline today. I said, "I'm crap at fishing and need some tips". The man said, "Okay, can you hold the line?" I said, "No".
It's so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth... Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Gangsta Barbie ...complete set of Raiders apparel; rap cassette  included
What do you call a fugitive, talking down to you while fleeing down the stairs? a condescending con descending.
Ikea is Swedish for DIY
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, "Hold on I can't hear you. I gotta turn on the light." The dark was too loud?
What did the cholo say when the houses fell on him? 'ey, get off me homes!
Try saying "I like cops" without your lips touching
I just told a cow that he's being watched. I always like to make beef stew.
I forgot to bring my towel to the gym... But I'm not gonna sweat it.
Good cop: frisks you Bad cop: takes his time
I've made friends on Twitter I never would've met in real life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything less than $200.
We really need to respect organ donors... It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)
Two muffins are in an oven The first one says its kind of hot in here. The second one says HOLY SHIT it's a talking muffin.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Why did Isis cover their bullets in butter? Because the French were toast! This is a joke I made up, along with an alternative : What do Isis eat for breakfast? French toast.
How do Italian Jews like their bread? With-a matzah holes in it.
Why didn't the pretty woman walk down the street? Quadraplegic, terrible car crash ...but she still suck dick for money!
I tried to read through Dante's Inferno once, but it was dry as hell.
Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics? To see how high Mexicans can jump
A Russian businessman has been ordered to pay his wife $4.5 billion in what is being called the world's most expensive divorce. Then L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling said, "Stay tuned."
Did you blow bubbles as a kid? He's in town with the circus and wants you to call him.
Why is a marriage like a hurricane? They both start off sucking and blowing, but you end up losing your house.
What if Forrest Gump's e-mail password? 1Forrest1 ...yeah we all saw that one coming.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopus
pope: love all *everyone cheers* *he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd* pope: fifteen-love
2000 years ago somewhere in the Middle East 'I do not care who your father is. When I am out here fishing you do not walk on the water...'
Sure the Michael Jordan underpants are good, but a lot of it is Scotty Pippen. He defends the balls.
This is overexaggerated. 1/x
What data service is red and wireless? Flash-Drives
What do you call a woman that tries to force you into commitment? A booby trap
What do you call a wannabe model? A poser!
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying. Retweaked joke: How does a (insert nationality here) find a sheep in the tall grass? Very (insert extremely lustful emotion here)!
I am so bored in my current profession. I am thinking of becoming a bartender... ...to shake things up a bit.
Muhammad Ali was apparently bad in bed, says his widow. Then again, he was a fighter, not a lover.
I would even do the thing Meat Loaf wouldn't do for love for you.
Check up I went for a health check-up the other day, the doctor said, 'you've got to stop masturbating' I said, 'Why?' He said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you'.
The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."
What is a group of endermen called? A basketball team
Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night? God: no..... Angel: *holds up platypus God: a little..
You know what's funny about Asians? You don't know whether they're awake or asleep. (   )
Do not blow kisses to loved ones. Ghosts intercept them mid-flight and put them on their butts.
6.9 A good time interrupted by a period
A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that he's finished.
Why is the Ocean Salty? Because the Beach didn't wave back.
What do you call a bee that lives in the US? USB ^^ I'll show myself out...
I was going to post a chemistry joke But then I thought "Na, they won't like it"
Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through something so small?"
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself? Me: Verbally. But I've also prepared a dance.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Whenever I see a couple with a significant height difference, I always picture them doing it.
There's a huge party at the orphanage tonight Their parents are gone.
What do you call a witch with one leg?  Eileen.
*speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My girlfriend calls me the gas station... Because I have 6-10 pumps.
An unidentified van has left a couple of disposable cameras at a local CVS. Police are still investigating. We'll be sure to keep you up to date on this story as it develops.
Am I the only one who calculates how many hours sleep I can get before I go to sleep?!
Why did Skrillex's girlfriend dump him? Because he D-D-D-D-DROPPED THE BABY.
What do you call a middle eastern sorceress? A sandwitch
Your life and greatest achievements
Mysterious file on desktop "Poopin Babe.docx" dragged to trash without opening
What's brown and walks upstairs backwards? A corgi with a boner.
And on the third day, Jesus came back. Because he accidentally left one of his edge trimmers in my backyard.
U2 sent their new album to every Apple device through the Cloud. I hear if you play the first song backwards you hear Bono saying "Please buy our albums again. We're desperate."
Finally figured out why clickbait is so effective
Asian phone book Do you know why Asians have a phone book? Because there's so many Wing and so many Wong someone might Wing the Wong number
What's the difference between three midget mensa members and a female track team? One group is a bunch of cunning runts...
Q: In church, why do they sing hymns and not hers? A: they're misogynists
An Irishman walks... out of a bar.
So I know a joke you can tell Native Americans... Hopefully none of them giveaway the punchline.
I should probably never be a mom considering I'd rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone
What's a virgin's favorite Christmas song? "Single Bells"
Why do bald guys cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.
Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snow bank.
What's the best thing about owning a car in Liverpool? You'll eventually end up with enough bricks to build a free garage.
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
What does a man and a linoleum floor have in common? If you lay 'em right, you can walk on them for 20 years.
I walked in on my parents having sex last night... Possibly the most awkward 45 minutes of my life...
If porno was realistic, there would be kids knocking on the door yelling that spongebob was on a commercial break.
How many /r/The_Donald moderators does it take to change a lightbulb You have been banned from /r/The_Donald for this submission...
What did one tooth say to the other tooth? "Thar's gold in them thar fills."
[FIRST DATE] Me, opening mouth seductively: "And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
How did the little boy save the catholic priest's life? He found a lump on his testicle.
I'm so ugly... I can't even turn on a lamp
I never know if I should trust a cabdriver with my sexual history.
I just completed a jigsaw of a penis in under five minutes. I expected it to be harder.
Now you can handle those nasty cuts from the comfort of your home... ... with "Suture Self".
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Jewish Pun What did Hitler say when the Jews got away? Aushwitz, they got away!
Henry David Thoreau walks into a bar. The bartender says: We don't serve your kind here! Thoreau replies: Walden. I'll see myself out.
Why did the crazy Mexican conductor get convicted for a crime? ...because he had Loco-Motive.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Buckle ! Buckle who ? Buckle get you a drink but not much else !
Why are Japanese people likely to be cannibals? They eat ramen!
"You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!" But we're in love! "It is forbidden!" *whale elopes with submarine*
The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.
Who do you sell second hand bikes to? A re-cyclist.
What music do girls on their periods listen to? Ragtime
Did you hear about the man who had his whole left side bitten off by a shark? He's all right now.
I've heard of a chicken coop... But turkey coups must be the new thing
I WANT TO LIVE! Patient:"Docter, I have only 30 seconds to live!" Doctor:"I'll be with you in a minute."
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can ? His wife died.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv? Me: Dad, that's Spongebob Squarepants Dad: Must've been in your sister's class
What pillar doesn't need holding up ? A caterpillar !
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dr. Dre
Why did the cowboy get a miniature dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggy.
It is rude to start a Twitter account and not state within 48 hours that you want to see what all the fuss is about.
When someone at the gym asks if I'm "using that equipment", I say "No, my love for it is real." To date, I'm the only one to find that funny
Cupid came to help. He drew his bow and fired an arrow at Raina, but his aim was low. I was forever in love with her feet.
How did I know my joke was not alright with my audience? They all left.
Did you hear about Elon Musk's X in Virginia? They had a firey start, then a major break up.
Let's hear your best "my penis is so big" jokes My dick is so big that at birth, instead of spanking me, the doctor smashed me with a bottle of champagne
A dialogue between Russians. -Guys, maybe we should stop drinking. -We allready did. We're getting wasted now!
So what if I can't spell "Armageddon" I mean, it's not the end of the world.
There were three holes in the ground. Well, well, well.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday It was mighty kind of them, but they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
On a scale from 1 - overweight black woman, how confident are you?
Are you looking arround ?
I'm going to name my penis Hitler... ...because with one stroke it ends millions of lives in the shower.
Please listen closely... Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flags a big plus.
Do you want to hear a joke about steak? Never mind, I'll tell you later. But it's very well done.
*pounds fist twice on chest* *kisses two fingers* *throws peace sign & nods head at DJ* I don't know what I just did, but we should leave.
What do you get when you cross 10 sodium particles with the Dark Knight? Nananananananananana BATMAN!
packs 2 hours before leaving for a trip unpacks 3 months after coming home
[office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech? Someone who takes everything literally
A bridge killed my family... We're arch enemies now.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I am not sure what they were laced with but I have been tripping all day
I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.
My son just walked in crying, saying he was scared as Trump won. I said, fuck off, you're 22 &amp; British. Oh yes he replied &amp; went to work.
I said hello to a feminist... my court trial is tomorrow
I heard the Daft Punk robots are headed to med school They'll soon be the Spin Doctors
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like: "Be kind to others, Evil Lisa"
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks- "why the long face?".... The horse then replies: "I found out I have AIDS."
Beware of Lawyers 7 "Are!you!a!lawyer?" "Yes." "How!much!do!you!charge?" "A!hundred!dollars!for!four!questions." "Isn't!that!awfully!expensive?" "Yes.!What!is!your!fourth!question?"
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
What happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend? He lost it.
A cactus as a houseplant is a good way to let people know that you've killed every other living thing that you've ever been responsible for.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton  and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer' Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
When is the water in the shower room musical?  When it's piping hot.
I'm surprised that more people don't become astronauts The amount of space cadets I come across is startling
I just took a massive dump. Didn't know I had it in me.
What do you call three brothers taking acid together? Triplets
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
"Say hello to my little friend" Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
*wants space* *eats Milky Way*
What do you call a Mexican in trouble with the law Juanted
What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys? Molasses.
I never make jokes about airplanes They go over everyone's heads.
I feel like I heard this on Reddit, but it's just a solid joke. What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? A circus is full of many cunning stunts.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but "what if the Nazis didn't care about fitness?" comes close.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars. astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni.
What do you call a skinny, Islamic cow? A moo-slim.
According to museum portraits, everyone in the 18th century looked like a giant chubby baby.
What's a down-side of being a paedophile? You have to go to bed early.
Did you recently date Taylor Swift, only to be dumped and have a song written about you? You may be entitled to compensation. Call now.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
In an English class... Teacher: David, give me a sentence starting with "I." David: I is... Teacher: No, David. You must always say "I am." David: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
I'm not racist I have a black president.
Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
For $11, you can come to my house and watch me shave. The plot is a little weak, but the 3D effects are amazing.
How do you start a rave party in Africa without a soundsystem? Glue a sandwich on the ceiling.
I'm going to sell John Lennon memorabilia online. Imagine all the PayPal.
Why couldn't the alligator satisfy his lover? He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call someone who is not nice? Denice. (De-nice)
Every program I write is completely error-free No exceptions!
Joke 35 HISTORY LESSON: The Greeks invented sex...
I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors... business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves.
Whats a Feminist's favorite math subject? Triggerednometry
The revolution will not be televised. It will be streaming on netflix this summer
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and asks, "*does this taste funny to you?*" The other responds, "*no.*"
Why did my girlfriend cross the road? To go back to the first shop we went in two hours ago.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get its tiny legs apart?
I hate when people say "She's out of your league" Just because I'm in the majors, and she's a minor. Doesn't mean it can't happen.
Why are there so many trees in Harlem? For public transportation.
Michael Jackson, Ted Kennedy, and Osama bin Laden walk into a bar... you fill in the punch line.
What happens when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? You get half way
My sex life is like a Bond villain... Goldfinger
Way to disappoint me, things that aren't cheese.
The CEO of AT&amp;T just got married... The service was okay, but the reception was terrible.
Whoever invented "knock knock" jokes Should get a "no-bell" prize.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand? A community centre
On a scale of 1 to Charlie Sheen, I'm at Mel Gibson drunk right now.
My mother always says make the little things in life count. Tomorrow I'm gonna run free math seminars for midgets
Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it.
i just cant stand peadophiles they're fucking immature arseholes
Yo momma is so fat Her toenails aren't painted, just redshifted
Are we done? Can we go? -A memoir.
What did Drake say when he got out of the elevator?
I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.
What distance say when velocity fell on top of him? Ow, this really hertz.
What did Honey Boo Boo's father say after he didn't pull out? Uh oh... I think I made a boo boo.
The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, "Please help us."
Where's the best place to store ice cream cones? Conetainers
Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn't lie. With Obamacare there've been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Q: What is the best Iraqi job ? A: Foreign Ambassador
Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower's plane leave Washington DC? He was Edward Snowed-In.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt
If I use the bathroom at someone's house and they are out of hand soap, no more high-fives for that person.
*stationary for 7 hours* Me: "Actually, I'm not sure this is one of those driverless cars."
Late-Night Jokes Of The Week (VIDEO)
It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage  In November? She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Life would be more fun if every time we sneezed we lifted off the ground a few feet and came back down in slow motion
Caesar and Brutus are playing battleships. A2, Brute?
Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night. I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.
In the prison shower... If you bend over, you can really hit those high notes.
Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat... sooner or later you'll get pissed off.
Why did the big pig want to go on stage? There was a lot of ham in him.
I'm really good at writing palindromes where the 2nd half is gibberishhsirebbig si flah dn2 eht erehw semordnilap gnitirw ta doog yllaer m'I
"They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.
Why are planes strong? Cuz they can lift.
Why do french people love to eat snails? Because they can't stand fast food
What did the redditor do at the restaurant when he was done with his meal? \*Tips waitress*
My bedtime is 9:11pm... So I never forget.
Did you hear about that actress that murdered her husband? Reese...I can't remember her last name. She was in the Johnny Cash movie... *Witherspoon?!?* No...of course not! She used a knife!
What do polar bears have for lunch ?  Ice burger !
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now
Mickey: ok but that'll be $20 extra Goofy: Done. *Mickey puts on bow and heels*
It's so sad that Frank died from mesothelioma He tried asbestos he could to stay alive
ISIS could be considered today's Rocket Power Because they are always blasting away!
Two parallel lines match on tinder But they never meet!
What is the worst thing anyone can do to a blind man? Leave a plunger in the toilet!
The worst part about going to concerts is realizing people you'd otherwise think are freaks actually share your taste in music.
I think my wife is going to bake me some pickle bread! She just got home with a big box and said she would surprise me tonight with her new dill dough.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you'll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My wife keeps on calling me "gullible" and "financially irresponsible". I just can't wait to see her face when I tell her I won the Nigerian lottery.
What's an asian's favorite drug? HERROine ^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^sorry, ^^^^^^that ^^^^^^was ^^^^^^aweful.
What do you get if you cross a Rolls Royce with a vampire? A monster that attacks expensive cars and sucks out their gas tanks.
Why didn't the ghost go to the dance? He had no body to dance with
If you're having second thoughts, you're 2 ahead of most people.
Why are all rabbits negro? Because they dig homes.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hell you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Yo mama is so hairy that Bigfoot tried to take her picture!
There are two rules for success: 1. never tell everything you know.
Sorry if my tweets aren't good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
What does black Vin Diesel smell like? What does black vin diesel smell like? Vinegar.
[Knee-slappin, terrible OC] Why was the nun named "NPN"? She was a trans-sister! *** I'm so sorry for wasting your precious mouse clicks on that god-awful joke
[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common? They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
What do insects learn at school ? Mothmatics !
To be a man is basically to watch a beautiful Rose go by and think, "I want to fuck that in the butt"
my mom discovered slang. she just texted me "sup?" and i wrote back "not much nigga! just cold kickin it with my breezies!"
Guy says: Is this seat empty? Girl says: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
[funeral] ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
What do you call a loonie answering questions on reddit? DollarAMA. *Only Canadians will get it, sorry.
before stairs there'd be someone on the second floor and people would ask "how'd you get up there" and they'd be like "i don't know"
How to Pass So apparently if someone commits suicide while we take a exam or final in school, everyone in that room or place will get 100%. I literally need the blood of a virgin to pass these exams.
My wallet was stolen today... this is the first time I've been sad after losing five pounds.
*holds "bunny ears" over someone's head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
4-year-old: What does God smell like? Me: 4-year-old: Me: Nachos. 4-year-old: With cheese?
Whats the only problem with eating vegetables? Getting them back in their chair.
A movie about my life would really just be two hours of someone waiting at a bus stop and still managing to miss the bus.
So TSA took a Buzz Lightyear toy off a child... I guess they thought it would say "To infinity... and be-bombed"
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies. "Why not, I'm a fungi"
What is the difference between a kid and a fridge The fridge does not scream when I put my meat in it.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary Those who don't And those who weren't expecting a base-3 joke.
Non-Americans may get this. Waterboarded.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Idea
Thank god we don't have thought bubbles above our heads. I'd be in trouble 99% of the time.
I bought a shower curtain on Amazon once and now every time I log in Amazon acts like I'm the guy who fucking loves buying shower curtains.
I remember as a child, lying awake at night on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come... ...then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
When I die... When I die, I hope it is peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in horror like his passengers.
We've been over this. I DO NOT WANT A PDF OF YOUR MENU.
Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
What do you call a group of cars ? A clutch !
I would tell you a joke about a vampire... ...but it would probably suck.
Can we hold off on finding a cure for cancer for a minute and focus on getting the timing right on automatic faucets in public restrooms?
"She's got legs. She knows how to use them." "So she's ambulatory then?" "... I guess?" "And is that really all you're looking for?"
What did the computer do with his overgrown gardens...? Mowed 'em.
WHAT ARE THOSE?! Thanks, how did you know?
How do you top a truck? tep on the brake tupid
What genre can't Ed Sheeran sing ? Soul
Teacher: in this class you should love logarithms. Student: what if they don't reciprocate? Sorry for the bad math joke... but it was just too good.
"Dad, are you afraid of ghosts?" "Only when I think of all the people who've died & how they must have us seriously outnumbered...G'night!"
It's cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that's why girls call me Frankenstein.
Shit Post In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum. Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down. He said "SHIT"... It took 3 Days to clean the auditorium..
[1665] ME:Make it enormous "But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you've got the plague & never visit" ME:Make it enormous
Never serve bad food at a bris Otherwise the rabbi won't leave a tip
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up. I otter know better.
I was in a band that played nothing but pirate shanty covers of Sex Pistols songs... We call ourselves "The Fuck Muskets"
Where do Star Wars rebel officers eat? The Admiral Snackbar.
Did you know that Jesus is gay? Yeah. It says it in the Bible. He got nailed by a few Roman centurions.
What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sunglasses? The sunglasses sit higher on your face.
It takes a woman to make a man a millionaire... ...but first, he must be a billionaire.
A couple of ladies asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with them. I said, "No thank you. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I would have dinner with my parents."
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I'm wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
How do Reavers clean their spears? They send them through the Wash.
Will the new Apple car have windows? No. And it won't have a jack either.
2007: OBAMA'S COMIN' FER YER GUNS 2008: comin' 2009: almost 2010: any day 2011: seriously 2012: ok now 2013: i think.. 2014: nope 2015: well
The thing I love most about this summer weather is the short shorts and tube tops.. ... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
Life is like a box of chocolates.... It don't last too long for fat people.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
COMMERCIAL: [a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated] Narrator: SHOES
What would be a great name for a Mexican Boy Band? Juan Direction.
Netflix asked 'How often do you watch period pieces?' 'About once a month'
There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Drugs are not a solution! Until you mix them with water
Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.
Why... Can't illegal US immigrants play Uno? Because they keep stealing all the Green Cards
What do you call the queue of Software  Engineers standing outside Heaven ? The Y2K deadline !
Whats the difference between a boy scout and jewish child? The boy scout comes home from camp.
The real problem with kissing a perfect 10 The cops come chasing after you
The Energizer Bunny is starting a career in porn... They put his batteries in backwards and he keeps coming and coming and coming.
What did the Hot Dog say to the Cucumber? My brothers may have been eaten to death, but hey it was over quicker than your midnight insertion "fun".
An old lady at an ATM asked me if I could help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.
I'm so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I'd assume it was because I spilled something on it
Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.
What do cows like to do at amoosement parks?  Ride on the roller cowster.
What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable? A fruit doesn't need a wheelchair
I feel sorry for Justin Bieber. He's had to go to every Justin Bieber concert.
ok so, imagine star wars but instead of space it's brooklyn n uh instead of cool space guys, it's lena dunham complaining about stuff
Why wouldn't Kurt Cobain let you charge your phone at his house? ...the guy likes his power chords too much.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside
"Que?" (Spanish Inquisition)
What do you call a collection of memes? A memeoir.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person? None
*Cooks dinner for family* Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Why do the jews have such big noses? because air is free
What are the spots on black-and-white cows? Holstaines
What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after? Yes, I'm completely sure.
Jesus was talking to a crowd... Jesus was talking to a crowd, explaining he was the son of God. Everyone in the crowd said "Nah, No way!" Jesus stood up and said "Yahweh!"
What do you call a skeleton in fancy attire? Fashionably late. I'll be here all week.
What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner? Twerky
Get your employees to work harder by "accidentally" leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
What do math teachers grow? Geometrees and trigonometrees
You shouldn't tell vegans to suck a dick. Semen is an animal product.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Two cannibals are eating a clown ... and one turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Why did Elton John's trucking company only work weekends? Because Saturday nights alright for freighting.
What are you if you aren't European? Eurapoopin. -my daughter
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise* Velociraptor: Actually it's *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Why does it take longer to make a snow woman than a Snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.
"Holy shit. That butterfly's gonna be HUGE." -- First person to find a mummy
What do you call painful constipation? Excretiating pain
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? The more they're forced on you as a child, the more you hate them as an adult!
What do you get if you cross a chemical and a  bicycle ? Bike carbonate of soda !
To any redditors who abuse, or have abused drugs... violence is not the answer.
I made a Tech Joke Q: What did one device say to the other? A: Are you syncing what I"m syncing?
"I bet you can't name two different structures that hold water!" Well, dam...
What do you say to an overworked clothing maker? You seamstressed.
Why do black people love fried chicken? Because it's fucking delicious, you racist
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar? All of them a crossbar can't jump!
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I asked my friend if drinking Metamucil because I love the taste of orange juice is weird She said, "no... regular people do it all the time!"
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she's muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I have a feeling that Scalia was sad that he was going to be alone on Valentine's Day... ...and it broke his heart...
Buying a new phone is basically being forced into a not so fun game of "how long can I go without dropping it." Same thing with babies.
What do men and linoleum have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years to come.
Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony? The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time. The most popular woman? The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.
So I was walking past my local supermarket the other day and a man started to throw cheese, butter and milk at me. How dairy.
I had a joke about insanity but then I lost it.
"I'm not sure-" wife: honey he's a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them! *the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It's all instant gratification. It's the crack of cleaning.
A skink and a skunk had a baby what did they call it? Bustamante. After the grandfather.
Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you're the reason why I'm broke. :(
What's the difference between a snowman and snow-women? Snow-balls.
I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Magical tractor I was watching a magical tractor driving down the road, when all of a sudden out of nowhere it turned into a field!
Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back? Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say
Conservatives after a mass shooting: "You can't take our guns!" Conservatives after a police shooting: "But he had a gun!" I'm confused.
What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?
Why does the squirrel swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? You're hot but you make me really uncomfortable, sometimes my underwear gets sticky and I get burned
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer One sells watches, and the other watches cells.
Every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she's right.
REALTOR: You'll LOVE this home- ME: My dog doesn't like it. REALTOR: But I- ME: [holding dog in realtor's face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
What do you call a black person on the moon? An astronaut. What else would you call them?
What do you call an retarded rich kid? Downstown Abby
Why doesn't Rihanna tell her boyfriend jokes anymore? He always beats her to the punchline.
How did the stoner die? Blunt force trauma.
Two ions are walking down the street... the first one says I'm missing an electron. The second one asks "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive"
What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition? A navi-gator!
Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the blonde joke list.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream? Me: I don't see why not. 5: Mommy said I couldn't. M: Hey, there's the why not.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
What did the Chinaman cleaning the rotisserie say to the crestfallen window shopper? No Peking!
What do gay horses eat? Horse dick.
Whats the most deserted place on fathers day? The visitation ward.
420 is a gateway holiday to harder, more serious holidays.
What do you call a turtle with an erection? A slow poke!
What do you call people pretending to be a ball? roll playing im sry
Stickiest things in the world: 3) Lollipops 2) Glue 1) Children's library books
Have you seen a proton lying around? I'm sure I hadron somewhere.
[doctor gets job as 911 operator] "What's your emergency?" MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE "Hmm ok let's wait a few weeks and see how it is then"
Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack? Me: 'BEAR'-ly! F: HA! Any injuries? Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE... He's definitely dead...
The man said to his mime... "I'm afraid I have to fire you." The mime replied, "Why the fuck am I fired?"
There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter
What did Mary give her cheating husband for Christmas? A bullet.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I'm stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
I love the smell of blown out matches... Chile vs Mexico was a real treat!
Whats the difference between a Ginger and a Shoe ? The shoe has a sole
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn't expecting me ?
Men are like government bonds.  They take so long to mature.
"Go to hell" is so abstract. "Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months." Now that's specific. That's possible. That's terrifying.
Did you hear about the guy who tried to make an ocean of soda? It was pure Fantasea
Fine wine I like my women like I like my wine, 9 years old and in my basement
Why couldn't I run the Compressed File? I was missing the important Bits.
Witch Logic: I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I'll use that broom.
Do you know what a woman says in the bedroom when she sees a big dick? No, me neither.
I found Peter Dinklage on a HertzsprungRussell diagram... It said "white dwarf"
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it's just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Do you call a senior citizen bride's pre-wedding party... A golden shower?
Joke Who will always be the #1 ranked father and son of all time? God
I can't hold my liquor. So I put it in my stomach.
Detroit is a such a dangerous city... You can't even let your kids out at night. The might rob someone.
[OC] What did Remus Lupin say to Nymphadora Tonks? I'm a-lookin'... And I'm a lycan.
What is the difference between a dancer and a duck? One goes quick on her beautiful legs the other goes quack on her beautiful legs.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the  world to have? A: One that never misses a period.
I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" means I didn't have to get up to pee
There should be a drama series about women trying to figure out their mystery leg bruises.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
What do you call a rapping computer? Mac-klemore
My wife and I were happy for 20 years.. ..then we met.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
99 Homes was originally a movie about Mexican gangsters
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!
WALGREENS PARADOX: No matter which Walgreens you go to, they will have built one closer to you before you can get there.
My Optometrist told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision.
Had a bad mix up at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I'm No Gynaecologist... ...but I know a cunt when I see one.
If "pro" is the opposite of "con What is the opposite of progress?
Did you hear about the chronic binger who was allergic to his food? He bit off more than he *katchoo!*
Everyone lectures Americans about our politics.. We use our military to lecture the rest of the world's on theirs.
Today my girlfriend said she loved me more than anything else, and didn't know what she'd do without me. It's the nicest thing any of my imaginary friends have ever said to me.
How do you confuse a drummer? Give him sheet music
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited.
Why did the blonde quit using the pill? Because it kept falling out.
What do corn and staples have in common? They're both staples.
I like my beer the way I like my violence. Domestic.
You know you are a Physics nerd when.... Yo mamma so fat she attracts black holes
Theresa May? Theresa Will.
[NSFW] How did the Redneck mother know that her daughter was having her period? Grandpa's dick tasted funny.
enlarger My wife suggested I get a penis enlarger. So I did, she's 25 and her name is Tiffany
Stereotyping people because of their religion is not nice. Whether they be a Christian, a Jew, a Buddhist, a Hindu, an Atheist, or a terrorist.
I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.
I bet a lesbian geneticist would do a lot of lab work for a clone dike bar.
The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time... ...he's our key logger.
If Trump gets elected, I'm moving to Mexico. Then at least there's a wall to protect me.
Did you hear about the woman who was shot 24 times in the back?! They say she got up afterwards, putting her clothes back on, and exclaimed "Wow, your reload time is *amazing*!"
How are Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad the same? They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.
What do a Christmas tree and a sterile man have in common? Their balls are for decoration only.
What's your mom's favorite seafood resturant? Captain D's Nutz
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: "NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small."
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
What do you call earrings on a gay man? Queerings
Q: Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A: A barber.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school? It's okay...he woke up.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Then it'll be a foot. I'm so sorry.
I forgot how to throw a boomerang And then it came back to me
Doctor says I need to see a chiropractor for my back pain... I said "Are you nuts? I don't have time to go to Egypt!"
What's the difference between clever and stupid ? you can't wank yourself clever.
A man goes to a library and asks if they have a book on suicide The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
I don't play fantasy football, but I do play fantasy friendship. This week I'm starting Taylor Swift and Conan O'Brien.
I wear a French maid's outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
What do you call a deer with no eye? NO IDEAR!
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[first date at a chinese restaurant] "So are you more of a dog or a cat person?" *reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.
Does Bill Nye always wear a bowtie? Seriously though?
Why did the Crimean run across the Street? Because he was Russian
What do you call a very forgiving lawyer? S'aul Good man.
I just got a futuristic coffee maker. It was a ground-breaking development.
What's with people thinking white people shoot up schools? I'm white and I have only shot up like 2 schools.
It doesn't matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites.
I love whiteboards. They're remarkable.
My dad always said there was nothing wrong with black people He believed everybody should own one
My new year's resolution... 2K, and 16 extra pixels.
I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.
Two muffins... Two muffins in a pan are baking in the oven. One looks over at the other and says "Wow it's getting really hot in here!" The other replies "Holy shit is that a talking muffin?"
What do you call a male trapped in a female body? A fetus
Jake Butt wins tight end of the year http://www.mlive.com/wolverines/index.ssf/2015/12/michigans_jake_butt_wins_big_t.html
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
There are 2 types of people in the world: Thise who think they are superior to everyone else And inferior people
I made you brownies Me - I made you apology brownies. Her - Oh... I don't like chocolate. Me - I know, I'm not that sorry.
What is the frat guy's favorite ion? Bromide
What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel!
What do you call a dark skinned surfer? A RADICAL muslim. Sorry if I offended anyone but just thought I would share a funny thought I had that I turned into a joke.
What is a gentleman monkey? A gentleman monkey is a monkey that won't monkey around with another monkey's monkey.
What sits down but doesn't get back up? A redditor.
The Queen is what she drinks... Royalty [ I hope this isn't a repost. I thought of it on my own]
Why do sneaky rogues prefer to wear leather? Because it's made of hide.
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I used to be a plastic surgeon. That raised a few eyebrows...
Why did Boba Fett work alone? Because he was hunting Solo.
A joke about Reddit's censorship policy. &lt;removed&gt;
My love for you is like a candle. If you forget about me, I will burn your fucking house down
How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a light bulb? One. He just puts it in the socket and lets the world turn around him.
Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, "Mommy close your eyes I have a present."
When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot
What is a pirate's favorite letter? When the person answers "R" you say "You'd think that but me first love be the C."
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you. Science.
Why doesn't communism work in a school enviroment? Because everyone would get the same Marx.
Well, say what you will about Jerry Sandusky... At least we know he drives slowly through school zones.
My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don't come over to my house, unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web... Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!
What is the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
I sneezed while pissing and almost pissed everywhere I think I have PEE-T-S-D now :( That was scary
Did you hear about how much those new prosthetic limbs cost? An arm and a leg.
Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac? All the signs say Cancer.
Why did the opossum cross the road? To get to the middle.
Why did Jeb Bush cross the road? To get to the other side! ^^Please ^^Clap
Happy International Women's Day! Or as I like to call it, Taco Tuesday
I just opened an express clothing alteration business. It's called Tailor Swift.
I wasn't so sure about having a mustache... ...but it's growing on me.
What's long, hard and has cum in it? A cucumber, you pervert!
#NotMyPresident Yes, we know. You are illegal immigrants, your president is Enrique Pena Nieto
What do you call a play about a dictionary? A pun!
What sucks about being black and jewish? You gotta stand at the back of the oven! Edit: I was at an [7] when typing this and fucked it up. It is better now. oven was bus. Changed bus to oven.
Girl you make me feel like a Galaxy S7 Cause I want to explode in your pants.
26 letters, minus the U. What do you get? A solipsistic Alphabet.
54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce.
Vintage Joke: What's yellow and writes? A ball point banana!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight K: Its chips & salsa M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Q: What does a Super Star Destroyer wear to a formal occasion? A: A bow T.I.E.
"If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything."  Bill Cosby
[at interview] Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job.
"You'll be visited by 3 ghosts." "Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?" "No, they'll try to eat you." Pac-Man Christmas Carol
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt.
Crikey, more sad news from the world of technology: Anti-virus developer John McAfee is appearing in court for manslaughter... They estimate the trial could last for 30 days.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I have a friend that's a Jehova's Witness This one time she got mad at me, because she told a knock knock joke, and I refused to answer.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone's unattended Facebook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?"
My job is top secret Even i dont know what im doing
I'm writing a book about a child who suffers from SIDS But considering turning it into a short story
how do you know you're at a gay picnic? the hotdogs taste like shit
What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal in New Jersey and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean
Left in the Dark Recently the power in my flat went out for no apparent reason. I told the landlord the problem but they didn't get back to me. They left me in the dark for about a week.
What was John Locke's favorite beer? Natty Rights
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, 'With or Without You' starts to play. "U2, Brutus?" He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Have you heard of the book about airplane factories? It's riveting.
what do you think of the number 4? you mean like on a scale of 1 to 10? stolen from: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/31g6qc/i_am_a_don_hertzfeldt_filmmaker_ama/cq1dzn8
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes... *WHACK*..."Dang it!" And the other goes... "Dang it!"...*WHACK*
I always thought soy milk... was just introducing itself in Spanish
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
What's Up Doc? by Howie Dewin
How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's parents? Just one buck.
What did the creepy scientist say to his new creepy wife? Let's grow MOLD together!
Wanna hear a joke about the mods? [deleted]
Whats the devil's favorite meal? fillet of soul
Whats the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at a mental hospital? The patients are the ones who eventually get better and get to go home.
Ugh don't you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I heard there was a bombing in Times Square. But it was just Mariah.
Me and my wife are like Catdog... Inseparable since birth.
Damn, girl, did you lose weight? Because it's caught up to you.
What do we want? TO BE LESS INSECURE? When do we want it? NOW! Um, I think... Soon, I guess? Is that weird? When do people usually want it?
How do you kill 20 flies at once? Slap that little Ethiopian in the face.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn't have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... because they always take things literally.
What's better than a dozen roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ.
Why did 10 die? He was in the middle of 9/11.
I got a good piece of advice for picking up girls Just keep your back straight and lift with your legs.
What am I doing today? Well I forgot my headphones so probably murders.
I had my FIRST THREE WAY!!! There were a couple of no-shows, but I STILL HAD A GREAT TIME!!
What's the difference between a mathematician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family.
What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common?? . In each scenario, there's a dumb guy who didn't take it out in time.
Here is a joke for all the mind readers and psychics
Why did the Strip club manager reject a retired Fireman's job application? Becuase he'd fire hoes.
The Pillsbury Doughboy... Another sad case of battered man syndrome.
Iron Man Joke Iron man is a super hero. Iron, woman. is a command.
I tried to cross a redneck with a golden retriever... All I got was a dirty look from the golden retriever.
Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.
Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist? Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there...
DAD: I want a steak. HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy. DAD: No it isn't. It's dead.
Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
What's the difference between a drum, a woman, and a blowjob? You can beat a drum. And you can beat a woman. But you can't beat a blowjob.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can't really fly -next"
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it's only a matter of time before I snap.
90% of people get this problem wrong 1+1+1+1+1 1+1+1+1+1 1+1x0+1 = ?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
What do you call a homeless caveman? Hobo Erectus
I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
What's the difference between the 3 Stooges and my penis? Girls don't laugh at the 3 Stooges
Did you hear about that spicy knight? Sir Acha.
I can't figure out if I only date girls with self esteem issues because I'm ugly or because we have something in common
Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today. JK
There's no law against parrots calling you at work just to chat.
BEST JOKE EVER hey, lets play duoq
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time Jeweller: I just don't think your wife will want "THE GOAT IS MINE" inscribed on her wedding ring
A small part of me almost died today.. Specifically mini-me
Knock Knock Who's there ! Claude ! Claude who ? Claudework Orange !
My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.
Cake day: How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: I don't know, I'm no scientist
What happens when Donald gets a boner? A Trup vote.
What is yellow and lives off beetles? Yoko Ono
Me: I'll write u a haiku! Her: I'm just impressed u know how to spell haiku. Me: *deletes "how to spell high-koo" from browser history*
God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
I'm doing my own taxes so I'll probably be in jail this time next year.
I love my electric toothbrush, but sometimes I just have to break out the acoustic.
"Hey is BB hungry?" "No BB-8."
Ways to make your woman happy. 1. Cook for her. 2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses. 3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Did you hear about the local electrician? His rates are Shocking.
What did the chef say when Hannibal Lecter sent his breast meat back, complaining it was overcooked? "TOUGH TITTIES!"
Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.
"How many..." How many blacks do you need to start a riot? Minus one.
I'm like a cupcake, I'll go straight to your ass, girl.
I was chatting up this woman. I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum." "Aww," she smiled, "Can you?" I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."
I bought a dog so I wouldn't feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
A wife is like a hand grenade... ...take off the ring, and you lose the house.
"Scientology" is a combination of "scient-," meaning "science," and "-ology," meaning "science." And it just gets stupider from there.
how can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
What do you call a burning Bible? Holy smokes.
What do you call the fear of chainsaws? Common Sense. I'll show myself out...
Frank has no arms. **Knock knock who's there?** Not Frank.
Do you know if pigs have periods?' Are you kidding me? What idiot would keep a pig until she's 14?'
I was Given a Madden Game Guide My friend handed me a game guide on the game series Madden I gave it back to him and said It made me Maddened
Mr.Bond caught pants down "Ah, Mr Bond, I-" *closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers* "-wasn't expecting you."
Farting sense Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!
Question about a song: Who is Phyllis Navi Daad and why are wishing her a Merry Christmas?
Pantibros before pantihose?
"Kill two birds with one stone." When in history was there a surplus of birds and a shortage of stones?
Small town gynecologists... I bet they spend a lot of time looking up old friends.
So LIGO scientists were finally able to detect gravitational waves... Don't know what took them so long. Your mom's been around for some time now, rippling spacetime.
When fish play football who is the captain? The team's kipper!
I'd be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
Cop: Know why I stopped u? Cuz u JUST CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE? Cop: I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR For speeding.
What's the difference beetwen public official and private employee? Private employee starts work checking email. Public official starts works making a coffee.
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
My abusive father always tells jokes His favorite part is the Punch Line.
Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window? He wanted to see a waterfall.
Did you know... That 90% of teenagers own a phone... and that 100% of phones own a teenager?
What was the burglar doing in Wayne Manor? He was Robin.
Did you know the oval office is full of money? There's a wad of bill's under the desk
How can you tell someone's an atheist? You can't. They'll always tell you first.
well, son, we named you after where you were conceived; that's why you're called The Frightening, Tyrannical Hellscape of Obama's America
You guy want to hear a joke about a cat? Nah. I'm just kitten.
"Seriously? No one has ANY other suggestions??" - Guy at the meeting to name Siemens Mattress Company
For father's day, I took my father out. Now I don't have to remember to wish him.
Two fish were in a tank... One says to the other: you shoot, I'll drive
Met a girl cop today. She shot me down.
It's a pleasure to see you and another  not to see.
Why did the man put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.
What's difference between good weed and good pussy? You can smell the weed from across the room.
ladies, please don't call me your 'brother' 1. we did not come out of the same vagina 2. odds are i'm trying to get into yours
It's Cyber Monday, sooo.... what are you wearing?
Sooo when my husband became a pool man I really thought the sex would get immediately better
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Are you serious? It's hard to tell because of all the botox.
The first rule is that any numbered list of rules will lead to a Fight Club reference. The second rule is that any numbered list of rules will lead to a Fight Club reference.
Did you hear about the man who flashed three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park? First old lady had a stroke. Second old lady had a stroke. Third old lady's arm was too short to reach.
"Let's give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
"I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!" - Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I hate ramen noodles. *Checks bank account balance* I love ramen noodles!
I talked to a cannibal dog yesterday... He said it was a real dog-eat-dog world.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay good money to see a lentil.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner
The very first joke I ever learned as a kid. How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A Buccaneer. (Wah, wah, wah, waaaaahhhhh)
I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
"Your honor, I call Shakira's hips to the stand" *looks at the defense* "You guys are so fucked"
I'm so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Female Masturbation My woman told me that she would never play with her self when she was on her period. . But I caught her red handed !!
NASCAR is a visualization of how women argue. They keep going in circles. And I sit through both things with the same hope: If I wait long enough, maybe they will crash and burn.
If you can't spell, we can't hangman.
Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: He wanted to win the no bell prize!
How do you make Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.
Why does Star Wars have 100s of people using lasers to fight and literally NOBODY using them to etch cute wooden drink coasters
What is 6.9? Great sex interrupted by a period.
Interviewer: "So why should we hire you?" Me: "Cause I need a job very badly." Interviewer: "So?" Me: "And you have a vacancy. BINGO"
Knock knock "Who's there" "I'm the mailman"
Why did the elephant paint his balls red? To hide in a cherry tree.... What makes the loudest noise in the jungle? A monkey picking cherries.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I just ended a 5 year relationship! I am fine though because it wasn't my relationship.
Just got Lasik. 20/20 would do again.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
A poem for Valentine's Day Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.
Do click bait titles actually work? Yeah, apparently Full credit to theodd1sout comic for this
What did the man say when the bass was too loud for his ears? "That megahertz" What did the woman get in response when she asked if his ears were okay? 100 watts
What is red and has seven little dents in it? Snow White's cherry.
I bought my friend an elephant for her room... She said "Thanks!" I told her "Don't mention it."
To ease tension in crowded elevators I yell "George Lopez is a comedic genius!" Then I get stabbed with a box cutter & I dont have insurance
Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.
What did Mary say the first time she changed Jesus' diaper? Holy shit.
Why did Mr. T reject Socialism? Because he stumbled across a quote by Karl Marx which said: "All you have to lose is your chains."
What's the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber? The way they pronounce "unionized"
So a banana gets a job, how much does he make? Not that much he's working for scale.
A horse walks into a bar... A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?". The horse doesn't understand, s***s on the floor and walks out.
in movies when guy& girl lie side by side in bed & say "that was amazing" theyre talkin abt a Rush drum solo. thats wat happend be4 the cut
Teacher- "what does a chicken give you?" Students- "Meat!" Teacher- "Good! Now what does the pig give you?" Students- "Bacon!" Teacher- "Great! Now what does a fat cow give you?" Students- "Homework!"
Bert is walking with Albert through the park and says, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith." Albert says, "What's the name of his other leg?"
I tried to catch the fog earlier But I mist.
How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten Tickles
How much for the soulmate? Ma'am, that's a bag of Doritos.
What did the mexican fire chief call his 2 sons? Hose A and hose B (read it out loud)
What did the ant say when he walked into the insurance office? Insure ants?
I have two dance styles: Sober, dancing silly as a "joke" or drunk dancing with confidence, same exact moves.
Q: What's the difference between a duck? A: One of its legs is both the same.
You can tune a piano But you can't tuna fish!
What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Houston, TX? Houston, TX will once again reach 98 degrees.
What did one bodybuilder ask the other? How much do you whey bro?
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
How do you titillate an Ocelot? Ocillate it's tit a lot
What did the pianist do when someone smashed his piano? He played many more pieces.
I told an Aussie friend I was having trouble rooting my phone He replied, "Maybe try buying it dinner first, mate. "
My new girlfriend says a small penis doesn't bother her... ... but I wish she wouldn't have one at all.
I've always wanted to oversee a graveyard I hear they get a ton of sex. (If I have to explain it, it ain't worth explaining.)
What is orange and hangs in my backyard? My nigger and I can paint him any color I want.
When I get home from work, I like to pack myself into really small suitcases. I can hardly contain myself.
Where do cats go after death? Purrgatory
Bra.... Only part of female clothes.. she is happy she wont fit in anymore :)
How do you make a woman orgasm? Who gives a fuck
Why did the fatty cross the road? Because the free pizza wouldn't
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
If you are reading this you are probably not blind.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
what's the difference between a normal consumer and a prostitute? A normal consumer aims to get the most bang for their buck. A prostitute aims to get the most buck for their bang.
1. Read directions on box. 2. Throw box away. 3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later. 4. Repeat.
What do prisoners use to talk to each other? Cell phones.
Confucius say man who run behind car... ...get exhausted.
Who has the biggest duck in Compton? A tripod
What car does Woody drive? AUDI ADUI ADUI!
Went to watch a blonde comedian And all she kept doing was bending down and looking at the floor. I guess she was just looking for some laughs.
Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins? She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam] DOCTOR: So you're in the military? HER: Yes DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Some say youth is wasted on the young, I say wealth is wasted on the old. Also Oxycontin.
My friend is blind and ignorant to the pain so many people suffer of having burning shits after eating spicy food. What an insensitive asshole.
Lebron reminds me of Michael Jordan... ...when Jordan played baseball
And what's your name?" the secretary asked the next new boy. "Butter." "I hope your first name's not Roland" smirked the secretary. "No ma'am. It's Brendan."
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer? James. Who else has a Meowth and still wants someone else's Pokemon?
I'd rather drop a baby than my iPhone.... I mean I can make another baby.... But I have no clue how to make an iPhone...
[sees a dog about to get run over] Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close [sees a cat about to get run over] Me: car coming
How many dead babies does it take to fill up my house? One more.
Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell technician.
I used to be addicted to soap But I'm clean now.
I was doing some curling in the gym when some guy looked at me funny. I said, "What's up, punk?" "Nothing," he replied, "I've just never seen a man using hair rollers before."
I started taking Viagra for my sunburn It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheet off my legs.
We heard that the building was being attacked by a giant fly... ... So we called the SWAT team.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Have you heard the joke about the kid who was deaf? neither has he
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her.
Yo mama so fat ... ... last christmas I took a picture of her. It's still printing.
I tried to force feed my child... After a while, my wife said, "Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi."
Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
What's the difference between a frog and a cat? A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.
elephants are scared of mice they're like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps [a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
3 men walk into a bar, bartender say... How'd you get in here
What's the difference between a priest and a beard One comes on your face before your 13.
When life gives you lemons, wish that life had given you something to make a more original aphorism.
Today in linear algebra we were ranking matrices I said the first was the best then the second and the third was the worst
Two pedophiles are on a beach One says to the other "Can you move you're in my sun"
Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad? Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?
The sun is in so many movies.. It's like one giant star!
Couple of girlfriends decided to go out on girls night. But they had nothing to talk about, because all of them showed up.
How do Indian chiefs send messages? By teepee-mail!
Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week? Patient: No I'm sick now.
How do you confuse a gay person? 7
What is it that's made backwards? Edam
What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist? An etymologist would know
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Microsoft Barbie ...Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head
a white girl slowly crawls out of her ugg castle, "it's almost pumpkin spice time" she growls as she sniffs the air.
I like my coffee like I like my girlfriend Not fucking my best friend STACY YOU WHORE!
What's long and hard and makes women cry at night? Crib death.
About the blind man that took up parachuting. He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.
I just don't understand these dirty cocktail names anymore... ...what on earth is a Penis Collider?
Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice* What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle? When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.
What's a good punch line to a Nazi themed anti-joke? Can you **not see** where I am going with this?
Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner
When do clocks die?When their time is up.
Ahmed Mohamed must have made a bomb ass clock
I'll never forget my wife's last words "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters. Dog 2: woof? Dog 1: You're not even trying.
Pedophile Kids who are scared of pedophiles really need to grow up.
Then god said, "Let there be light," and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson's nose.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred... The top answer was: "How in the hell did you get in here?"
If the Founding Fathers were alive today, what would they be doing? clawing at the tops of their coffins and screaming, probably.
Russia's attitude towards the West is sometimes... Off-Putin.
I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through. One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym
I tried to sell a Native American some land.... ...but he told me he had his reservations.
I had the biggest dick in 3rd grade which was pretty impressive Also probably the reason I got fired
If an entire garden was variegated... would it take longer to get in to?
What do Coors Light and having sex in a canoe have in common? They're both too fucking close to water.
Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they
Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.
Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. Unless he wears Crocs. Then, feel free to judge all you want....
A father of four finds out hes months behind on child support... *[deleted] 1 hour ago (0 children)*
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
What is a fatass' favorite kind of computer a big mac
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass
What did the creator of knock knock jokes win? A No-bell prize
The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.
What do you call a crazy judge? Judgemental
A wolf goes costume shopping... He found a lamb costume on the clearance rack. But it still wasn't sheep enough for him.
What kind of birds do girls like? My-cawk!
Which weighs more, a tonne of feathers or a tonne of bricks? The tonne of feathers, because not only do you carry the feathers, you have to carry the burden of what you did to those poor birds.
I swear, just as she was falling asleep, my seven-year-old murmured "giggity."
I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you'll find a dead body
How about some snappy one-liners? Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.
What did the serial killer say before he killed his victim? cheerio.
They say a woman's work is never done. That's probably why they get paid less.
Hey, can everyone stop making new movies and TV shows for a while so I can catch up?
Why are black people good at basketball? Because they shoot, steal, and run.
What's the hardest part about walking through a field of dead hookers? Your erection.
My Mexican friend was freaking out, but I couldn't understand his panic.
How do Sesame Street characters reproduce? Big bird's eggs and ABCmen.
A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender "A pint of beer please." The bartender says "Wow that's amazing! You should join the circus!" The dog then replies "Why? Do they need electricians?"
My Life get it, cause my life is a joke! *badum tisss*
Serious top linked post on /r/science made me laugh: "Giant methane storms on Uranus" Original link: http://phys.org/news/2015-03-giant-methane-storms-uranus.html
What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating? Your ears
How do you get an r/jokes redditor confused? loading...
So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."
Let's be honest. They're windshield wipers for about a week, then they're just smudgers.
I was going to make a joke about the Rapture, but... it just isn't happening.
Sexism wouldn't exist if it weren't for your women's opinions.
I don't like how when women get married they get to keep their first name.
3 Bears This is a joke my father told me. Once upon a time, there were three bears. They came across a girl with pink hair, it made them so mad... They moved.
What goes zzub-zzub? A bee flying backwards
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying "keys" in case I thought they were llamas.
"You're not the Bruce Springsteen of me!" - Angry employee from New Jersey
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Sometimes, I like to read the bible in public and yell out, "Oh Bullshit!"
What do you call a dog with no limbs? Doesn't really matter it won't come anyway
People who say that they're 'just naturally thin' are also just naturally awful.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Would you like to make me wine? Join everyone stomping my grapes.
What do you call a scientific measuring instrument with degrees? A graduated cylinder. -------------------------------------------------------------------- This is the only joke I've ever thought of.
Why do Jews hate sex? Because porkin isn't kosher.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Bread -mummy I'm tired of always eating bread from yesterday! When will we eat bread that was made TODAY? -tomorrow darling.
A good laugh, a great orgasm, and a long sleep are the best cures for most woes... For everything else there's booze.
Two dogs meet on the street and sniff each other... Finally one says, "I don't recall your name but your feces familiar."
How many downies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Potatoe
I just Googled "cool new rare diseases."
What's a Muslims favourite place to eat? Allahu Snackbar
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he's obviously not good at it.
Mountains aren't just funny They are hill areas
What drink does hitler hate the most? Juice
What's George Washington's favorite element? Americium-1776
I saw that new movie about N.W.A I rate it Straight/Compton
Did you hear about the pillow factory that blew up last week? There was a big panic at first, but it's all settled down now.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn't find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Why did the donkey cross the road and cause an accident? Cause he's an ass.
What did the proctologist say to the pirate? Show me your booty.
Bought the knockoff brand of Frosted Flakes. Their mascot is Carl the Cat. "They're purretty good!"
What's truly horrifying is when my generation starts having children on purpose.
Why don't blind people skydive? Cuz the guide dogs are scared as fuck.
My dad used to say "fight fire with fire" I guess that explains why he got thrown out of the fire brigade
what i don't understand is that a pope can choose his own name but there's never been a Pope Batman
Advice from gay people. Never take tips from gay people, because you might get shafted. Disclosure: Am not homophobic!
That bitch... Two necrophiliacs were chatting on the phone. One says to the other,"So how's the girlfriend?" He replies, "Eh, the rottin cunt split on me last night."
Two guys walk into a bar The first says, "I'll have H2O." The second said, "I'll have H2O too." He died.
What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
My thai girlfriend told me a small penis doesn't matter... ...I still wish she didn't have one though
always good to put one of those Apple stickers that comes with ur iPhone on your car so thieves know which car to break in to.
The 80's called and they want you to stop saying they called.
People who talk about me behind my back discussed me.
"What's the difference between a blow job and a sandwich?" Me: "What's the difference between a blow job and a sandwich?" Her: "I don't know" Me: "Want to come over to my house for lunch?"
What do Nazis drink for breakfast? Orange Jews.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly? Wife: sure *I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano* Wife: this is so romantic
I was a house painter for five years I didn't think I'd ever finish that fucking house
I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" so I bought her nothing
[Anteater eats some termites] [looks up to heaven] "YOU DON'T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!"
Jeremy Clarkson decided not to stay with Top Gear, but James May
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
My friend is really into that show Arrow He's a real Arrow-head
Sure, I'll spend $5 on a cup of coffee, but I draw the line at paying 44c to have someone travel 3000 miles to hand deliver a letter for me.
What do you call a gay assassin? Ass ass in
There are two types of people in this world: Those that sing in the shower, and those that wank off. ...what song do they sing?
Why do lesbians shop at sports authority? Because they don't like DICKS.
To be honest, Adolf Hitler was a hero... Afterall, he was the one who killed Adolf Hitler.
"I still haven't met his Father, but I'm not worried. Parents love me." - Jesus' gay friend
Why was Eazy-E Straight outta Conciousness? He had N.W.Aids
Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? No the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.
How do you cut a Emo sandwich? Trick question, it cuts itself.
So a termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
[airport security pulls Robocop aside] -Got ID? I AM A POLICE OFFIC- -Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u. THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH- -Save it pal
Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants? He'll do it **Juan by Juan.** (So corny, IK.)
Have uou ever played the Michael Brown drinking game? You just stand there and take 8 shots
I drink twice a year.... When it's my birthday, and when it isn't
Sorry if long post, but definitely worth the read 10 million years TL;DR 10 million years
[answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween
"Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?" "Uhhh....why?" "I'm drawing a picture of you for school." "Cool! It's spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E."
*Caterpillar marriage therapy* Wife: he's not the man I married Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Karen!!!
Happy birthday Bob Marley. Shirts with your face on it are now sold at Walmart.
I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.
Q. What do accountants use for birth-control? A. Their personalities.
My Grandma has such beautiful... 3-Ply toilet paper. It feels so good on my ass.
School joke Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
Still waiting for mine to mature into adultneys.
What happens to criminal photons? They get put in prism!
No one is listening until you fart.
My Indian colleague asked me if black Friday is some how related to black people, I said yes and its manners to wish them "Happy Blacks Friday".
a man walks into a bar he falls to the floor unconscious. oldy, but a goody.
My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."
How many letters are there in the  alphabet? Eleven. T-H-E A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.
I was going to make an anal joke here.... ...butt fuck it.
Getting my dachshund teardrop tattoos & rebranding him Lil Wein.
What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal? German Shepherd pie.
I don't mean to denigrate women. (Ladies, "denigrate" means to put-down or patronize.)
Little caesars in Ferguson's Is hot and ready
What do the racehorse that finished in second and Michael Jackson have in common? They both came in a little behind.
(During Chemistry) Teacher, let me tell you a joke about Potassium K.
Where do the good guys go? The friend zone...
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out man.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out man!
I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.
What did the shy pebble wish for? Only that he could be a little boulder!
If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.
You say "tomato", I say "flamingo". I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' -Jesus flirting in a bar
What's pink and sits on a piano chair? Elton's John
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming
A missing Chinese pyromaniac has been located hiding out at a Roman Catholic monastery. He was found praying with friars.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
What's the last thing you want to hear when you're getting a blowjob from Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson"
I bet vampires just walk around saying how different things were in back the old days.
I'm getting my hacked GTAV account back! Said no one
Hillary Clinton
Him: you look tired today Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn't hurt people and it's not two spaces after a period.
Three guys walk into a bar The fourth one ducked.
I'll never be mad enough to throw my phone somewhere.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store? 13 seconds of eye contact.
Every program on MTV could have been titled "Jackass".
*orders a medium pizza* *opens box* PIZZA: I've contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know- *eats pizza*
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings... It's a complex complex complex.
Did you know how chinesse parents name their childs? They throw a tincan downstairs and take note how it sounds: "Chin Tan Chung"
I'm such an introvert. #Introvert #Introverted #TeamIntroverted #Shy #SoShy #2Shy #2Shy2Talk2You #ShyBoy #Blushes #NoEyeContact #SoftTalker
What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane? If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor
I spotted a jaguar earlier today, Now it looks like a leopard.
I asked my Dad for help with course selection... My last block was either Psychology or Computer Applications. So I asked, "Which do you think I should take?" "Whichever you'll excel in, son."
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let's make beautiful, douchey babies together.
What do you find in a cloud's shorts? Thunderpants!
I have so much more fun on Twitter than Facebook, because love from strangers is always more exciting.
I swear to God guys.. OP is not a faggot
Why was a guy arrested for peeing on Indian land? He was on a Nipissing reserve.
What do giraffes eat at 11am? Brunch.
I only have room in my brain to care about three people and six types of cheese at any time.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[puts in hearing aid] aids aids aids aids aids [takes out hearing aid]
My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.
What's worse than waking up at a party with a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
I had to get a drug test today.. I got pissed.
I accidentally muted the command switch on my driverless car... ...well, it goes without saying.
Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *walks away*
Some cocaine addicts get very glossy skin. It's the charlie sheen
God created everyone to be different on the outside....... But then He got to China and became lazy.
What do you call a tight-fisted Wookie? Jewbacca
Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not screwed on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth.
If a leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first? The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
What do a common garbage can and Leonardo DiCaprio have in common? No Oscar!
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks
Life seems to be like a pushy boyfriend Because even when I'm not in the mood I still seem to get fucked by it
I was the kid your mom made you invite to your birthday party who then started crying and had to be picked up early.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.
Why can't PC gamers use Uber? Too many incompatible drivers.
she died doing what she loved: telling someone the difference between your and you're
I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy. I guess you can call it a fascistnation.
Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries. Me: *goes home* *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box* *eats 12 donuts*
Selling a french WW2 rifle Never fired, only dropped once.
What's the difference between a clever midget and an STD? One is a cunning runt.
1. Cover elevator floor with glue. 2. Put ring on floor. 3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck. 4. "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!"
A good coffee table book would be photos of U.S. Presidents' orgasm faces.
What's the easiest way to make a homeless person bleed? Brush their teeth!
When you walk into a store buying sexual necessities... New Ariana Grande CD: 18 Tub of Vaseline: 3 XL Box of Tissues: 2 The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless
Can you lmb? person 2: what? lace my boots 2: ok I guess I can so you can lmb? 2: yeah I can lmb wait, you want to lick my balls??? wtf
What do the Iron Man suit and Sarah Palin have in common? They've both had a downy inside em.
She asked for my name, if I'm alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.
My Dr. just diagnosed me as 'paranoid'! Well, she didn't say that, but I know the bitch was thinking it!
I used to be addicted to the hokey-cokey But I turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable...
What wind is best for footballs? Drew Brees
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know Y.
I was told getting a tongue piercing would help me with oral sex... I still can't reach it...
Jokes don't kill people people who don't get jokes kill people.
Juneau the capital of Alaska?
What's the worst part about eating out an 80 year old? Depends
Reddit accounts should be treated like underwear. If you can keep them clean you could keep the same one for a while, but if you flood them with shit you should get a new one.
At a funeral Visitor: what's the wifi password here? Priest: Respect the Dead. Visitor: all small letters...?
It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.
A dog, a blonde, a rabbi, a priest, a nun, Helen Keller, a black guy, and a horse walk into a bar... The bartender says, "what's this, some kind of joke?"
A double entendre is when I don't know what the hell you're saying. Twice.
[helping kid w/math] What is 0.1 as a fraction? "One tenth?" Good, now what does 10% mean? "Battery low, plug in your phone?" Perfect
If youre ever cold, stand in a corner. Most corners are 90 degrees.
What did the guy who didn't like vegetables say? "I don't really carrot all for vegetables."
What do you call a horny homosexual? Homorectus. Sorry
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I saw 2 blind men fighting Today I saw two blind men fighting, so I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!" Both of them ran away
If it was Pink Floyds way... They would have all of us shot!
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body, He's all right now.
I wrote an essay once comparing various versions of the Bible. I had to do a lot of cross referencing.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.
You ever made love to a man? You want to?
What do you get when you're outside too long on a cold night? (OC) Arcdick
What goes, "Pieces of Nine, Pieces of Nine"? A parroty error
If a glow worm were to have its tail cut off ... ... would it be de-lighted?
I like my women like I like my coffee... In a burlap sack on the back of a donkey
Receptionist: "That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose." Plastic Surgeon: "Good! That'll save me some time. Send her right in."
How do you get dragon milk? A cow with short legs
Women are like the Call of Duty games. If you play them for too long, you'll end up alone.
One time we ran out of soap- -so we had to use hand sanitizer!!!
There is a big fat naked guy and another naked guy behind him who has a big nose. The front guy turns around, what happens to guy behind? He broke his nose.
Where I from? Please tell me.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
Where do dogs go when they lose their tail? The retail store.
Who just can't get enough of one liners? Coke addicts.
"Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" "Itself" ~History
How do you order a bill in Australian restaurant? Cheque, mate! --- Maybe not the funniest buy posting because: My. My own. My precious...
Knock Knock. Christmas. Who's there? Oops, looks like Christmas came early this year.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.
*changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their pecker is on their face.
I shot a frog once. It croaked.
last I dreamed.... I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle ... the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments...
If Subway had put an extra piece of cheese on every sandwich without telling the customer, I wonder how many of those kids would've been able to outrun Jared.
Who is this Rorschach guy??? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting? -Rob DenBleyker
While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops." Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.
Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn't want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F
"Baby last night you were so hot, let's do it all over again this morning." -me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument a bank has just been robbed
Why did the Chili Pepper cross the road? To get to the other side...to get to the other siiiide
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? *denim* *denim* *denim*
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards? They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.
Doggy Sherlock Holmes was investigating a case... Doggy Sherlock: Any leads? Doggy Watson: Yes, Holmes. Two. Doggy Sherlock: Excellent, lets take them and go walkies.
Seriously, why put the suicide hotline on the backs of buses? Put it on the fronts.
Dogs cant operate an MRI machine, But Catscan
On which side do you drive? American: Right-side. Britisher: Left-side Indian: Depends on which side the oncoming traffic is.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear 1. exploding glove 2. ham sandwich 3. flaming fireplace 4. Dead bird helmet 6. shark eggs
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between. We call the "Friend Zone".
I'm like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin' Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
How did the nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall. I'm sorry. This was just too wonderful to resist sharing.
What is the opposite of an iPad Mini? A Maxi Pad
What's the difference between cowboy hats and tampons ? Cowboy hats are for assholes.
PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"
Of course I swallow it's a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras
While getting thrown in jail, my grandma's pacemaker failed. I guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest for battery.
"Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." - Me to my children.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly a cock down a throat.
If you're out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
What's the difference between a baby and a tree? Trees don't bleed when you cut their limbs off.
He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle!
4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.
Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right
Lion King Today, someone told me Mufasa died 22 years ago. I replied, "I guess he needs to Mufasa next time so he doesn't die."
She told me she "literally died laughing," and that's when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face.
Why do waitresses hate mohels? Because they never leave a tip.
In the Bible it was Adam and Eve Not Adam and Steve
What sexual position creates the ugliest kids? I dunno, ask your mom.
Did you guys hear about the scandal with the South Korean president? She did the right thing and accepted Seoul responsibility.
What do a 45 year old pregnant alcoholic and Ironman have in common? Both have a little Downy Jr in them.
I just hate elevator jokes. They're wrong on so many levels.
Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell anyone else.
Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
Every woman's dessert order starts with, "I shouldn't."
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping. 4yo: *runs upstairs CRASH JUMP "Wake up!" SLAM *runs back downstairs "No, he's not."
what did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever
I decided to email Ted Kaczynski yesterday Edit : wow, my inbox blew up
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"
Why do tigers eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine] Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass. Ma'am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Don't get a Jamaican hairdo... I did and I have been dreading it ever since.
What's the difference between a business meeting and a battle ground? #Deadpeople
What did the Hand say to the Penis when they first met.... Nice to beat you!
Learn how to Wiener Boop https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exb1yVD8SHU&amp;list=UUq54nlcoX-0pLcN5RhxHyug
What does a guy with a 9" cock have for breakfast? .. well this morning I had toast....
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans
So I was standing in the toilet queue at my high school ball. I was wondering why there were also women waiting in the same line so I asked the guy in front of me. "This is the punchline."
A piece of shit walks into the bar Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit
The other day, my friend said that he thinks that I might have Asperger's Syndrome. I couldn't tell if he was joking, or being serious, or happy, or sad, or angry, or frightened, or...
Just finished going through the terms and conditions for iOS 6 with my lawyers. Looks good, guys, I think I'm going to accept.
One day... I was on the front page of reddit
It would be easier on everyone if my kids' teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Would you rather have $5 dollars OR... Have your favorite WNBA team win the championship
do you know the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? one less drunk
Why can't you play hide and go seek with a Pokemon? Because he'll peek-at-chu!
What do pelicans eat? Anything that fits the bill.
"To hell with it, thats good enough." - every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I have an inferiority complex ....But it's not a very good one. :(
<----- gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
How do you kill 20 flies? Slap an african in the face
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris still has more money than you.
@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.
Some good advice on how to pick up girls Bend at the knees and lift slowly. Avoid turning or twisting your body.
If I hear a bump in the night, I'm hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Many of my tumblr friends identify as otherkin. Be it wolfkin, eaglekin or yes even fantasykin. I myself identify as a jedi. So I'm forcekin.
How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes 5 episodes.
What kind of key gets shit done? A do key.
I didn't know why the ball was getting bigger and bigger and bigger But then it hit me.
What do you get when you mix a donkey &amp; a onion? A Piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye
4-year-old: We're playing Star Wars. I'm a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper. Me: What am I? 4-year-old: In the way.
Signs that things aren't going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.
I was banned from the Middle East, so this is what I did... Iran
Humans should be eternally grateful it wasn't me who was in Newton's place. If the apple hit me I'd be like "Nice!" & eat it. End of story.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of its silent "p"
"After last week's scare with Jeremy, the new first rule of Fight Club is absolutely no peanuts or snacks containing peanuts."
One day we'll open Twitter & it'll just say: Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says "Craftsman" dad: me: Are you crying?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse's life would literally be the same
Difference between a cow and Russia They both contain Putin...
What is the difference between the USA and North Korea? One is of them has a great leader!
What do freezing rain and cake icing have in  common?  Both are a glaze
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, still working on it.
What do you call a lady with one leg that is shorter than the other? Aileen
What is the best kind of vegetable? The one in the wheelchair.
Hey, guy who sniffs wine then talks about its oakiness or whatever, could you stop being a serial killer
My mom told me to stop watching TV and read something. So I turned on the subtitles.
What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit's finger
I'm not your typical teenage girl. I'm 35 years old.
I hope Death is a feminist. That way nothing will ever change.
" National No Bra Day"? I say pics or it didn't happen day.
"I feel so average" Tom said meanly
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. Credit to my gymnastics coach
A guy is talking with his friend Edward... ...and asks him: -What do dead and black people have in common? -Well, I don't know. -They both get a rest, Ed.
*on date* Me [don't let her know you're married] I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone. Her: oh that's cool. Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
A lot of women can turn into good drivers. Now that being transgender isn't taboo.
Sally Jokes Why did sally fall of the swing? Because she has no arms. Knock knock? *who's there?* Not Sally.
Well Officer..we didn't have a bottle so that dead guy over there.. "Him?" No the other dead guy..suggested "Spin The .44"..And I WON!
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? Because dogs can't whistle. (X-post from r/dadjokes)
I want a girl to go down on me As much as the Pokemon Go servers do
Carl: So hot today. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs. Me: Fair enough.
You know how some people call their erect penis a 'hard on'? What do evil midgets call it? A *minion*
I failed my Biology test yesterday I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain. Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer.
Have Egyptians tried unplugging and plugging Egypt?
Q: Why did the man put cheese on his computer? A: He wanted to feed the mouse.
Does the Five Second Rule apply to gravy?
[Jesus plays hide-n-seek] Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let's play again. Harder this time. Find me now. [He ascends to Heaven]
When a store plays pop music half the time and classic rock the other half, you know there's two people working there that hate each other.
Joke: The swearing parrot  geaNostra
Did you hear about the dyslexic girl that developed bulimia? She ate a big meal then went to the bathroom and stuck her thumb up her ass.
If an Iron Man movie was made with Magneto as the villain, what would its title be? Stop hitting yourself.
What do you call a Pakistani music group? A tali-band.
Why do Jewish women love to be prostitutes? You got it, you sell it, you still got it.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
"Opps" is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Always borrow money from a Pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Love every corner They said you will find love in every corner. I must say my life is in a circle
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
At least you'll be able to watch Jeremy Clarkson on Dave for the next 12 years.
I've wanted to have a conversation with my wife about getting each of us Segways to ride around town in... But whenever I bring it up she always changes the topic.
I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I write a lot of racist jokes, but, don't get me wrong, I'm not a Republican.
A elderly man gets diagnosed with brain cancer And dies.
God has no Phone, but I talk to him. He has no Facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I still follow him.
I always wanted to be a barber But I just couldn't cut it.
Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!
"Nazis!" - the History Channel
I used to listen to old Mitch Hedberg recordings.. I still do, I just used to too.
What did the blind deaf mute boy in a wheelchair get for Christmas? Cancer!
And the Lord said, 'Let there be idiots.'
A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers. May they never meet.
Did you know Danny Welbeck's dad was a bomb disposal expert. His name was Stan Welbeck.
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with four captains? She came back with a Red Snapper.
What do you call a guy with a toe growing out of his knee? Tony.
"I was on Vine before it was cool." - Tarzan
Pete and Repeat were on a boat in the middle of a lake. Pete fell off. Who's left?
What's the difference between a ladder and a truck? It's no bad luck to walk under a truck.
How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky, Loo-e-ville or Loo-is-ville? I pronounce it Frankfort.
I'm making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death traps for other snowmen and they have to melt bits of themselves to escape.It's called Thaw.
What's the most consumed beverage by Syrians? Saltwater.
What is the premier dish in Israeli-Japanese cuisine? Jewshi
Why did the chicken cross the road? To go look for his flatmate.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Why do male midgets laugh so hard when they play football ? It's because the grass tickles their balls.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Why couldn't the Ghostbusters ever finish Oregon Trail? Because they couldn't cross the streams.
Always live on the bottom floor it's further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Where do you keep microscopic criminals? In cells.
Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe...
Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex. Then ask if you're attractive enough. Then ask your doctor for sex.
I watched Transformers today. I've spent the last 2 hours in my garage telling my car I know his secret. He's shy.
What did the redneck say when he lost his virginity? Thanks mum xD
My math teacher used to call me average.... It was mean.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is trying to remember what I wanted when calling in my take out order.
What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coffin?
What do you call a porno with aliens in it? A science friction movie.
Having trouble making friends? Just tell a girl you love her and her first reaction is to say lets just be friends.
What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating? "Man, wall mounts are awesome."
I got kicked out if boy scouts for eating a brownie
I just read somewhere that Reddit is dead I think I misreddit
My impression of a New Zealand duck: Quick... Quick. Quick.
It's your choice. Half of all marriages end in divorce. You think that's bad? The other half end in death.
Why is the twin towers and gender the same. There used to be two of them but now it's to offensive to talk about.
Friend apologizes for mess. Friend has immaculate house. Open her closet. Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes. Mineralogy? Study of minerals. Oceanology? Study of oceans. Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
/r/Jokes hits 4 Million subscribers **/r/Jokes metrics:** Total Subscribers: 4,004,739 Subreddit Rank: 34 Subreddit Growth &amp; Milestones: http://redditmetrics.com/r/Jokes
What is a Pirate's favorite letter? Listener usually answers: R? Punchline: (In pirate voice) No! It is the C!
[date] Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct
I was going to exercise until I remembered the story about that healthy guy that died that one time.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I went to the shops to get eight cans of sprite. But when i was walking back i realized Id only picked 7 up
It must be so good to speak signal language. You can talk with your mouth full
I asked my secret crush if she wanted to invest in my new invention idea, chloroform kleenex. She decided to sleep on it...at my place.
Kanye West is still performing at the Pan Am closing ceremony. Looks like the petition didn't Pan out.
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work? Because she had a frog in her throat.
"Life's too short to remove USB safely"
What do you call an unconscious computer programmer? dfghjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
My girlfriend wants me to talk dirty during sex, but I feel weird swearing at a 12 year old.
What weapons do pengiuns have? Pen-guinades.
What did the skeptical turd say to the conspiracy theorist asshole? You're shitting me, right?
Want to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
If the shoe fits, wear it... Unless you found it near a bouncy castle, you creep.
My neighbors listen to great music... whether they like it or not.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can't he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Why are men better cooks than women? Because with a sausage, a couple of eggs, and some cream, a man can keep a woman full for 9 months.
What is a feminists least favourite subject at school? Triggernometry.
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? To find a tight seal.
I think my anorexic girlfriend is cheating on me... Every day I'm seeing less and less of her. ` ` ^^~not ^^my ^^joke
I think I know why the black iPhone is completely faster than my white one. I am also very racist.
I was two girls away from a threesome last night!!!
Im thinking about being a dish for halloween. Bitches love doing dishes.
Texan: So where you from? Harvard graduate: The kind of place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Texan: Where you from jackass?
What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don't.
Strangely enough, yelling "I have a masters degree!" at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.
What did the brick say to the rock? Nothing, it's just a brick, what's wrong with you.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.
My wife and her twin were standing next to each other in the kitchen Well, long story short, I grabbed the wrong butt and my brother in law was not amused
Men are like animals: messy insensitive and potentially violent but they make great pets.
You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang 'Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely' and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Why did your mom tip the delivery boy? She wanted a pizza dat ass.
Poetic Justice Judge: I find you guilty. You are sentenced to ten years, Take him away boys. Prosecutor mutters, "Poetic Justice"
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I'd watch for like 20 min before I asked "For real, tho?"
My lucky number is 4,000,000,000. Doesn't come in handy when you're gambling. Come on 4 billion... Fuck, 7. We need some more dice. 4 billion divided by 6, at least. -Mitch Hedberg
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don't think I can keep watching movies
What do you get when you cross Kate Upton with royalty? A bouncy castle.
What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees? _In a New England accent..._ A Boston lager. . . . . . I made this up yesterday in the car.
I bet there is already someone who's put their number of twitter followers on a college application.
What does a turkey do when he flies upside down? He gobbles up.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg? He's alright now.
Please don't joke about 9/11, my uncle was on one of the planes. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet, I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.
I left some burgers sitting in my fridge since the horse-meat scandal. AND THEY'RE OFF!!
Just a soul-crushing reminder that you'll never effectively karate chop a pizza into slices.
I think some of you freaks have been spanked more as adults than you were as children.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cheese ! Cheese who ? Cheese a cute girl !
The Chemical Formula For Water Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?" Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about?" Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who. hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath?
What do you call a farting fatass? Gas giant.
*a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
Between texting, tweeting and E-mails, I haven't spoken a word in the last 3 years.
Exactly how many good deeds do you have to commit to get into Heaven? I'm talking bare minimum here.
The son comes out to his dad The son says to his dad: Dad, I am gay. His dad says: You're not gay. Elton John is gay. You're a morose son of a bitch.
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious
When I get mad I count down from ten out loud. I was arrested, the cops thought I was a bomb
maybe your boyfriend broke up with you cuz you called him baby instead of something cool like king wiener
Two dyslexics.. walk into a bra.
What do you call a digital tree? All bark and no byte
Question: What do you say if you want someone to hold the lift? Ans: Hodor
Eagles Guitarist Glenn Frey died today at the age of 67... There goes all my hopes and dreams for their reunion tour: "Bald Eagles"
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
What do pedophiles and climate change deniers have in common? [NSFW] They both enjoy fucking the next generation.
What do you call a Jew who gets beat by women? Bernie Sanders.
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop says "can I take your bags?" "No," she answers, "I'm traveling light." *(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*
In high school, what was Robert E Lee voted? Most likely to secede
Knock Knock Who's there ! Callas ! Callas who ? Callas should be removed by a podiatrist !
50/50 What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?
If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
So, the Muslim word for sin is haram... ... does that mean a Muslim's sinful girlfriend would be called a... Haram bae? I'll see myself out.
Sometimes I feel bad because when I don't have anything funny to post, then I remember I'm not in the entertainment  business.
Why do we all need a Jew for a friend? Because he'll never give you a penny for your thoughts, he'll never put his two cents in, &amp; he'll never drop a dime on you!
My buddy has been so annoying bragging about how he only sails on a ships maiden voyage... Fuckin shipsters
How many reddit users did it take to screw on a light bulb? They could not do it, they are all autistic.
How does Ohm conduct an orchestra? Standing on his head!
I went for a walk in a cemetery this morning and saw a man crouching behind a tombstone. I said "morning" He replied "no, just taking a shit."
Dad, what do you call the guy who made every gay as lovely as the next? Homo-Genius
Mirror mirror on the wall. Forget the fairest. Who would you fuck?
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? Because they lactose.
New Study Suggests Drinking Coffee Is Good For Your Health. Wait, I Think We Did Good For Your Health Last Time. Bad For Your Health, Then
When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it's best to remember they're pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go
Did you hear about the red luxury cruise liner that collided with the blue luxury cruise liner? The passengers and crew were marooned.
What's a down syndrome's kids favorite thing to do at prom? Slow Dancing.
why google is a she? she have an answer for everything
[On The Cross] Jesus:"Father, forgive them, fore they know no-" Voice from the crowd:"DO THE WINE TRICK"
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Me: *staring into mirror* Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary *skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink* SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I like my women exactly how I like my pet. I like both to be horse!
HOBOSEXUAL A hobosexual is someone who enters into a relationship to avoid becoming homeless.
What did Jay-Z call his wife-to-be? Feyonce.
Can Happiness buy money?
How do you make a Venetian blind? Stick a finger in his eye.
Joaquin What kind of name is Joaquin? It's not Russian
A woman tries to flirt with a depressed man suffering from ID crisis in a bar. Woman: Hey! Who's the handsome man here? And the dude goes "Oh God! Not again! Who am I?"
What do you call sex with a Pixar DVD? F*cking Up.
Q:Whats worst than getting a penis drawn on your face? A:knowing it was traced
Rant "What do we want!?" "No daylight savings!" "When do we want it!?" "An hour ago!!!"
Usain Bolt is already in 2016. Happy New Year !
I asked Luke Perry what today's date was, and he said... 9/02/10! This joke is only funny today, once in a lifetime joke! Spread the love
Listened to Korean Jazz the other day... It had two kinds of Seoul.
Why are camels called the ships of the desert? Cause they're filled with Arab seamen!
Why are volcanoes mischievous? Because they erupt to no good.
"What does your mother do for a living?" "She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."
A horse walks in a bar Bartender: why the long face? Horse: I just found out I have cancer.
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed... When the chicken sits up, lights a cigar and says " Well I guess that answers that question."
How that we are engaged I hope you'll give  me a ring. Of course. What's your phone number ?
In light of all the Irish jokes I see on here...what's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe [5 hrs later] ME: ok fine maybe ur right WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? One is a blood sucking parasite, and the other is an insect.
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.
A tall man and short man walk into a bar The tall man says ouch while the short man ducks under the bar.
[at the gun store] Me: I'll take that gun & a box of ammo Clerk: that'll be $250 Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I hope there's not a huge turnout at my Claustrophobic's Anonymous meeting tonight.
*rolls over to your desk on chair* So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
This is why I don't tell Math jokes The average maths joke is pretty mean
My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up
Knock Knock Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? To whom.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I'd never be caught dead at a Walmart.
In light of the recent NASA news.... Did you hear about the astronaut that stepped in a piece of gum? No? Well he got stuck in Orbit.
While there's a motherboard, why isn't there a fatherboard? Well I don't know, but I do know my professor recently installed a new blackboard, hopefully he'll use that to explain the answer.
I still have no idea what the fuck Grape Nuts are supposed to be.
Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven't had a witch attack in over 200 years.
Why don't people give Melania Trump a break... Life is hard enough growing up as a black woman in the USA.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.
So today I ripped off my testicles... I didn't want to risk creating any GMOs in the future.
England has no kidney bank... But it does have a Liverpool.
What was the policeman's baby's first words ? Hallo Hallo Hallo !
What did the russian say before Putin penetrated his asshole? *russian accent* Put it in Putin!
*6 hours of Russian roulette* Me: "I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Billy Bragg ! Billy Bragg who ? Billy Braggs too much tell him to stop it !
What do you call a fish with no eye? Disabled.
Behind every entitled shit-head kid is a parent who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches.
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
I was standing in the elevator at work and I couldn't remember why I was mad... Then it hit me
Chickens are jews. they even sell their own children.
Theft solution: Tits. Nobody is thinking about larceny when they're looking at tits. So ladies, help stop crime... show us your tits.
You know why birds sing in the mornings? Because they don't have to go to fucking work
Why is Santa so Jolly? Because he knows where all the Naughty Girls live.
An Irishman walks into a bar .... An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."
How is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
How does a dog play Hendrix on guitar? With a chihuahua pedal.
What did Beethoven the dog shed in a moment of genius? Fur Elise
What does a fat girl and a pallet of shingles have in common? ...they both have a 90% chance of being nailed by a Mexican.
What political party entices most Gorillas? The Treepublican Party!
Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.
My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
Dad please dont mess my hair up and say love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?"
I shouldn't have plugged my iPhone into the PC at the Kitchen It's now in the sync.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he's 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!" What a bitch.
This salad tastes like I'm about done with my New Year's Resolution.
What kind of pictures do turtles take? Shellfies!
I have a hole in my sock... Darn it!
Why did the liberal go to the gynecologist? She was feelin' the Bern!
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Instead, they end up beating the room for being dark.
I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.
What can I bring to your party? Friend: A six pack. [does 10 crunches] [cancels]
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don't even know what types of blood there are
What do you call a cat on a big plate? a platterpuss
Two girls ask if I would offer them a drink. I said sure and bought the cows some milk.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Detroit? Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
What did the erotic novel author get from his editor? Sticky notes. What did he get from his publisher? A hard copy.
How'd you come up with the idea? Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought "now here's something"
How many gay men can you fit on a bar stool? 4 if you turn it upside down.
TIFU by getting called into the HR office.... apparently "harass" is not two words.
What do you call a group of whales playing music together? An Orcastra
cop: why'd you kill him? me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers cop: ugh hate that you're free to go
Are  you on Facebook ? Cos I sure would like to Poke You
Dog limps into the O.K. Corral. "I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw."
Working on my resume. How do I spin "total mess" into a marketable skill?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
A man goes to a costume party wearing only pants. The host asks what he is. The man says premature ejaculation... Because I came in my pants.
Q: Why does the corn get mad at the farmer? A: Because he is always pulling on his ears.
My New Year's Resolution is to start smoking I already smoke and am trying to stop; this way I guarantee I'll have quit by mid-February
If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now "Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"
Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world?
What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate ? The registration of the car that ran him over !
Why does the lemon feel uncomfortable making friends outside of tumblr? Because it has cis-trust issues
First date with a hummingbird: You're moving too fast.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.
What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Independence Day? The Fourth of Ghoul-ly!
Bill:"My homework is really difficult tonight I've to write an essay on an elephant."? Bert:"Well for a start your going to need a big ladder.."
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line "lettuce romaine friends" at a low cost of my student loans.
Just ran into Bjork walking into her hjotel. Ljoking fjorward to her show at Pitchfjork tjonight (hjoly shit my Icelandic is pjerfect).
It's been so long, I can't even remember why rock, paper & scissors started fighting.
My therapist raped me. Who can I talk to about that?
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton ended up in a car crash who would be saved? America
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn't even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to...? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M:  6: Luke's dad?
You go in for an interview for a Linux programming job... ...and you are asked for an example of your linux programming abilities,     so you type into the terminal "sudo apt-get JOB"
What do Rick Ross and a dominatrix have in common? They're both interested in whips and chains.
This is a better joke than feminism. Just kidding, there's no better joke than feminism.
What do you call a frat house in a quarry? A bromine.
I wanted to drive to the shop to buy some guacamole I didn't avocado
How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice and line the edge with peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
What do Irish feminists call men? O'Pressors
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Who are the most homo-erotic pop group at Hogwarts? Wand Erection. EDIT: If you don't get it, try saying it aloud.
I hate that "You know what to do" voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.
What's 5,000 lbs and sexually confused? A Bi-noceros
When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn't believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.
How do you order a glass of water in Russia? Ask for a virgin vodka.
Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Volkswagen emissions test. You know guys, this whole deal with the Volkswagen emissions test just goes to show that the Germans will do anything to gas you. I will enjoy my trip to hell.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. "tell me when." i never say 'when'. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Michelle Obama was not the first person to think of the "Turnip for what" She was the First Lady
You Shook Me All Night Long is a great song that also describes what I do to my husband when he's snoring.
Why should you be scared of a white person in prison? Because they are most certainly guilty.
Did you hear about that actress that stabbed herself? Reese something? No it was with her knife
I dated this metal chick once It was all cool for the first month, but then she started to rust.
How fast can a bear run? As fast as it can bear.
My mom told me to get rid of my brick toys But I just can't lego
Why do people still buy bottle openers? I just don't see the reason for purchasing a bottle opener. I've been using my seat belt for years!
I'm hosting a benefit for people who struggle, to reach orgasm. Let me know if you can't come
I just embarrassingly ripped my pants open while bowling. Getting a split means something entirely different to me now.
*rubs lamp* Genie: "you get three wishes" Me: "I wish I wasn't so alone" Genie: "k wow I'm like right here"
My math teacher said I was average. How mean!
Hitler says... "I order the execution of 6 million Jews and 1 clown!" His officer responds with "Why the clown?" To which Hitler replies with "See! No one cares about the Jews!"
Your mother reminds me of Eminem... She only worth fiddy cent.
Do you know the difference between me and eggs? Eggs get laid.
Why do waitresses love serving men in fedoras? If you're nice to them, their tipping intensifies.
Strange trend at my office... People are naming food in the break room refrigerator. Today I ate a sandwich named "Kevin".
Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."
Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII? I don't know Anne Frankly I don't care.
A man, his wife, his kid, and his dog all walk into a bar. *Ouch!* *Ouch!* *Ouch!* *Woof!*
Japan is not a Democracy. It's a Constitutional Monarchy. They don't have big erections.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Why does Mr. Pencil hate Mr. Pen so much? Because he is an erascist.
Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask me what she charged to see her boobs.
My favorite Jobs: 1. Blow 2. Steve
Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a puff.
Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting
I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
There is no dialog in the first half-an-hour of Mad Max:Fury Road...(no spoilers) ...'cept all the blacks yip-yappin' in the theater.
Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a puff!
What do you call the western half of Kenya? Kenya West
What is the biggest danger to an ear f*cker? Hearing AIDS.
This is your Captain speaking AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING
Where do all guys come from? ...Their dicks. Where else? (is bad i know)
What is the most popular candy in Rwanda? Tutsi roll
Homeless Yelp Review: Dumpster behind grocery on Calhoun & Fairfax BARELY had any rotting fruit. Owner chased me off with a bat. 0 stars.
I have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite.  All he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary
What should you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
there is this mom at work who breastfeeds her kid every meeting is a lunch meeting
Money's missing from under my pillow, I think I've been visited by the teef fairy.
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.
Dynamite fishing Sounds like a blast
Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.
Where do chickens go to get their coffee? Star- B-BWAKS
So I went to get a protein snack in Iraq... But they only had fucking allahu akbars
What's the best part about marrying a farmer? You get to grow old together.
A deaf man and deaf lady go on a date...
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle.. Now I just smell like shit
(NSFW) Know how I know you're gay? Your dick tastes like shit
Why was the mentally challenged midget crying? He was a little down.
Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese. Make Britain grate again.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
I've been seeing a lot of commercials for lawsuits concerning metal on metal hip implants. I'm going back in time and getting a hipster implant, before metal was cool.
"You never told me you were vegan!" - no one ever
Guys, Trump isn't Hitler... ...because Hitler actually won the popular vote.
How you control your anger Father to son: whenever i beat you, you dont get annoyed, how you control your anger? son: i start cleaning the toilet seat with your toothbrush
What do you call it when an Asian's imaginary friend dies? Make-bereave
what is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The polar bear
What did Liberace die from? Botulism. Bad meat in the can.
FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying their name backwards, they have to become your butler.
Two gay men go into a bar. One says to the other, "Can I push in your stool?" Not sure if its a repost. My coworker just told me this.
Why are Bananas and Chocolate Good friends? They compliment each other nicely.
I know that as parent you're supposed to listen to your kids but most of what they say is such horseshit
Rumour has it Toy Story 4 is going to focus on Andy's mom's toys Coincidentally, they are also called Woody and Buzz
I'm not religious, but I love God.
The best things in life are free. Unless it's herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out "This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes"
why are blacks such good pimps because they have been using hoes for sentuarys
Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?
What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.
Why do they say cleanliness is next to godliness? Because every time i talk dirty to my wife she tells me to go to hell.
Say what you want about pedophiles At least they drive slowly near schools
How does Samuel L Jackson create fire with an orange? He uses Pulp Friction
Do you think Bradley Cooper will call his kids Mini Coopers cause I hope so.
Im tired of the movies, I miss the Transformers cartoon. That's when Optimus was in his prime
My daughter is at that age where she has started asking awkward questions about sex... Like, "Is that all you fucking got?"
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? The Pilot.... you racist fucks
Me: *shakes bosses hand* Sorry I'm late to the meeting boss. Boss: No problem, restroom? Me: Yes, and we're out of TP and hand soap again.
What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night? No wonder you called the company Microsoft
Despite the large variations in ambient temperature, how do warm blooded animals stay warm? By definition.
Two peanuts are walking down the road One is assaulted
Got pulled over tonight. Cop asked if I had any weapons. I showed him my guns. He laughed.
Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods? He heard they had fresh beets.
Katana is Japanese for "sword". In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming
Someone asked me why all of my Instagram photos look so funny. It must be my Selfie Shtick.
Any jokes I can tell my teachers? I would love some jokes to tell to my teachers :D
"Go ahead, caller. . ." "Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I'd like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?"
I've been called a lot of names but "designated driver" was never one of them.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
You don't like her? Drink more.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we've had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra... It was a booby trap.
A cannibal passed his friend in the woods.
A joke from Finland Q: What doesn't fit in your butt, and doesn't buzz? A: A Russian butt buzzer.
Why didn't the cashier get the punchline? It didn't register.
God to now go through your old tweets before making final decision on heaven.
If you watch Cinderella backwards... ..it's about a women who learns her place. Old one but still funny.
HR: welcome to sexual harassment training. Me *raises hand* I'm gonna leave. HR: it's mandatory. Me: There's nobody here I would harass.
I've always wanted to be a plumber But it's probably just a pipe dream.
[on date] *okay don't let her know you're a T-Rex* Her: Can you pass the salt please? Me: Crap...
What were Marco Rubio's first words? "Hello, World!"
I like my women like I like my sex partners... Female.
Two peanuts were walking down the road ...one was assaulted!
I feel so off the grid. I watched the Grampas instead of the Grammys last night.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise particularly hareobics!
Why was Pinocchio acting drunk? He couldn't handle his lacquer
How many white people does it take to change a light bulb? A brunch.
" I made my famous dip for the office party" You're a regular Abe Lincoln. "But he wasn't a chef" Exactly
I told my girlfriend I would see her next year before I left for work She laughed because she got the joke. I wasn't joking. I'm leaving her
Hyperbole makes me want to kill myself.
What do you call Mexican food when it gets cold? A burrrrrrito.
[first day as funeral director] this is the dress she wants to be buried in "It's very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin"
What do you call a woman who will sleep with absolutely anybody? Public storage.
Fool me once, fine by me. Fool me twice, jokes on you. I still don't give a fuck.
Why do young girls go to the restroom in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub... ...She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her &amp; nicks her purse.
Is it cocky to have more than one penis? Some might call it too cocky...
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it is two-tired (too tired).
I have zero empathy for sociopaths. But to be fair, they don't have any for me, either.
Did you hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed wired fence? It was udder catastrophe!
What do you call an aligator that likes to wear vests when no one else is around? A private investigator.
Why was Dracula always willing to help  young vampires? Because he liked to see new blood in the business.
Why do moths fly with their legs apart? Have you ever seen the size of moth balls?
What did Voltaire eat for Thanksgiving? Candide yams
If you think men aren't good listeners then whisper "C'mere, I'm naked" and I will hear you eight states away.
I'm thinking of re-releasing my old tweets in 3D.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself "what would the hulk do?" Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Did you see the movie invisible? I couldn't
Why are pills white instead of black? Because you want them to work don't you?
Sometimes... You just gotta treat life like a bad lay... Make funny faces and pretend you're having a good time.
Seven days with no food makes Juan week.
Why is it easy to talk to people who earn little pay? Because they make cents!
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
[interview] BOSS: Any special skills? ME: Skills? BOSS: Like strengths ME: Oh right. I'd say my vocabulary BOSS: Hm... ME: That means words
Damn girl, are you a huge piece of shit? Because you just slid right out of my asshole.
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
What's the difference between the Seahawks and a cheap hooker? The hooker won't choke on six inches.
CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake.
You should've seen my bad spelling. That shit was [sic].
"It's not about who's right or wrong." ~ The person that is wrong
Knock knock. Who's there? Banana Banana who? KEVIN!
Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.
I'm gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[Gone for an hour] Boss: Where have you been? Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn't find the beginning.
What do you call a nine-sided polygon that wishes to remain anonymous? anonagon.
My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I'm not even the best mom in my house anymore.
What do you call the sweat between two people having sex in Arkansas? Relative Humidity
How do you know you are at r/jokes? The guys all look like they played football for Bronx HighSchool of Science
Are you from the 316? Because you're an stone cold stunner. Edit: Stone not ice Thanks /u/cvillemade
makes sense that the CEO of Apple came out as gay. He kept resisting my technological advances.
I looked into a blonde's eyes but all I saw  was the back of her head!
Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular? 'Cause horses are rubbish at drawing
If - H 2 O - is on the inside of a fire hydrant what is on the outside? K 9 P
Why do Jewish people have short necks... (Shrugs Shoulders) I don't know.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A Pilot you fucking racist.
Need some adultish-humor. I have a girl I like, and I want to make her laugh. What are the best jokes you guys can think of to make a dirty-minded teenage girl laugh?
What's your stand on renewable energy? I don't know about you, but I'm a Big Fan.
Just go ahead and put "She always had to pee" on my tombstone, because that's how everyone's going to remember me.
What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well for starters the flag is a big plus.
When your parents get old, you take care of them the way they took care of you when you were young. Which is why I gave my kids heroin.
Where was France's military strategy developed? Toulouse
The best gifts in life will never be found under a Christmas tree! Those gifts are friends, family, kids and the one you love!!
What did Santa get the day after Christmas? Diabetes
so a man comes into a bar........ Oh wait no it was a horse....... So a man comes into a horse..........
If I had a dollar for every punchline I forgot... Uh...damn it!
If Pulp Fiction has taught us anything it's that we're better off not knowing if there's more shit down in the basement of any pawn shop.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
What happened to the heretical chef? He was burnt at the steak.
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? Because he kept getting nailed to the boards
[Batman at McDonald's] What's your chicken sandwich called? -A McChicken And the rib? -A McRib [pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
What do you can a pessimistic antelope? A cantaloupe
How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.
Noun: Son of a b***h!
How do Mexicans cut their Pizza? With Little Caesars.
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby Owl ! Baby Owl who ? Baby Owl see you later maybe I won't !
If you told me in 1995 that you had to use an mp3 player to copy programs to a telephone in the future, I'd assume you had brain damage
Who are the fastest readers ? 9/11 victims, they went through 64 stories in just 8 seconds
What do you call a mentally ill person without arms and legs? Call him whatever you want, its not like he's gonna get up and do anything about it.
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain... You were waiting for the punchline but it never came.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child's dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
How does Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. Edit: JK rolling.
I had sex with two indians last night... it was in tents! (intense)
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
What do you call a pothead with two spliffs? Double jointed
How does Darth Vader know what Luke is getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Ebo said ....said that Africa didn't have an awful disease. EBO lie
Why are camouflage jokes always great? Because you never see them coming.
Pilot episode You know how you can tell if a shows going to be any good based on the pilot, since it sets the tempo for the entire show? I just realized that my dad didn't like the pilot of my life...
There are 3 types of pain... 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Knock Knock Who's there ! April ! April who ? April might make you feel better !
Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery? Because they have no attachments.
1) Find short Irish guy 2) teach him to rap. 3) Become manager. Name him Leprechaunye West 4) wait for $ to roll in
A women insists, "Women are funny!" A man replies, "You're right! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!"
I cried when my dad cut onions... I miss onions. He was a good dog.
I'll never forget my little girl's first words... "Where are my parents?"
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, Change has to come from WITHIN!
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he went down the mine? I'll be black.
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes? A: One to read one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both  intellectuals.
I went to visit my grandfather in the hospital, but it was too late... He was already gone. His suffering is over now. He's gone home. He's doing much better, so the hospital discharged him!
I had a racist incident in my kitchen today.... The black bean soup started dissing the white cream sauce, I finally told them both to simmer down.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $60 to have a chickpea in my face.
Are shellfish warm? No they're clammy!
Why shouldn't you put a baby in the microwave? Because you get better results from slowly roasting it in the oven.
My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying weed. It'll be our joint account.
I wonder if the prince was suspicious when Snow White's first baby was born a dwarf.
Coffee is a miracle. Perhaps the only miracle. Does that sound crazy? I've had a lot of the miracle this morning. My eyes are shaking.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Dont be afraid of change, its inevitable. Unless youre homeless. Then you might have to go around asking for it. By the way, I dont have any
What do you call a black man flying a plane? The pilot, you racists.
Johnny wants to go bathroom Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!
The first rule of cliff hanger club is
50's kids probably won't have this... Parents
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
Elevators. They work on so many levels.
If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I'm going to give up on everything.
If I was a farmer the first thing I'd do is have a meeting with the roosters & cows & tell them to wake up around 9:30 instead of 5.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it 'popped corn', is the number #1 food of watching things
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes!"
Q: What did the mermaid do last Sunday night? A: She went to sea a movie.
Woman: "I'm a sucker for a man in a suit and tie." Man: "You had me at 'I'm a sucker'."
What do you do for a frog with a belly ache? Rubbit.
Where do midget terrorists live? Halfghanistan.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
What is faster? Hot or Cold? Hot. Because you can catch a cold.
I heard that the president was poisoned, then cured. But the information is purely antidotal.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
A mother borrows her gay son's phone She needed to get in touch with her husband, so she clicked the contact titled "Daddy bear" in her son's phone. It was not her husband who answered.
In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.
A lady posted her grandmother's brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Why do farts stink? So the deaf can enjoy them too.
The good news is my black girlfriend says I have mean dick The bad news is she's a mathematician.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the pool please, I'm dwaoning!
How many women fits in a monk monastery? Nun.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Bearded Barbie ...complete with tweezers
Why are jokes in base 8 not funny? Because 7,10,11!
I spent a solid two hours tonight drowning my sorrows. Never give a stripper PCP
More "kills" on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is.... American Swiper.
The economy is SO bad... ...that Americans are emailing Nigerians and asking for help with money.
[talking with counselor] I don't "know" what "she" means that I "use" excessive air quotes
Fish Pickup Lines: "Hey, baby. Wanna come over to my place and make caviar?"
What did the Elephant say to the naked man? That's cute but can you breath through it?
What's the difference between my girlfriend and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when I smack it
I was going to tell some rabbit jokes But people tend not to carrot all about them.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell...
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
First cave man to 2nd cave man: "I don't care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows."
I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol, and I need the alcohol, because I hate my job.
A crossfiter, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar... I know this because they won't shut up about it.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said "there was room for two people."
Roses are red violets are glorious. You should never surprise Oscar Pistorius!
What's a Russian's favorite service provider? Sprint.
"I'd like to raise a toast." *Levitates bread*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*Food arrives* *Waits 3 days* *Slowly takes bite of food* *Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage* HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If global warming was causing guns to melt, we'd all be driving electric cars within two weeks.
Why are white people racist against black people? Cause they have smaller PPs lol
The Madame opened up a new sporting-house with an eye to cutting costs. She had all the rooms on one story to cut out the fuckin' overhead.
So I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup today.. I'm expecting a massive vowel movement.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
There's this hot girl in my college writing class. Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven't suffered enough.
As a priest finishes paying for his hotel room, he says to the cashier: "And can you make sure the porn in my room is disabled?" Cashier: "right you are, you filthy bastard!"
Why don't programmers go on panty raids? Because they get undie find errors.
They say they give' medals for valour But mine cost an arm and a leg.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
TIL Why homosexuals dress so nicely. It's because they spend most of their time in the closet.
I just saved a bunch of money by not paying any bills cuz I don't have a job.
This salad is delicious, probably because it's a donut.
What do you get when you cut a hooker in half with a chainsaw? an erection
New Adage! Coined a phrase today and wanted to share: "You either go with the flow, or get flushed down the toilet." Pretty cunning don't 'cha think?
How do you silence a group of women? Bring out your camera.
It's best not to piss off someone with Multiple Personalities You never know how many enemies you're making
Step 1: Walk on water. Step 2: Turn water into wine. Step 3: Prophet
What makes for a great relationship but a shit gaming partner? Someone who goes down a lot.
Can you do smth funny with this pic ?? http://s27.postimg.org/8inkoc6xv/S6300633.jpg
I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?
I've never panned for gold... But I have put bacon bits in my salad.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you'll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I went to confession and the priest said, "pics or it didn't happen."
A pirate walks in a bar. A man notices that he has a wheel attached to his groin. He then asked the pirate , how can you live with that man? The Pirate replies Arrrghh! It drives me nuts!!!
I just heard the first song made by artificial intelligence You could say it was a real Siri-nade
Can /r/jokes start using NSFW tags for jokes with crude humor/language?
What's James bonds fettish? Bondage
How do you organize a space party? You planet
What do you tell a Jew with a tattoo? Nothing, you already told his grandparents 6 million times
What's Vatican City's national animal? The Papal bull.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F  word we thank God for every week.
I keep a photo of my mother flexing inside the charm of my necklace Because she is a strong, in the pendant woman
Went to this zoo in Venezuela and the only animal they had was one dog It was a shih tzu
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring... When she was in a good mood, it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead...
My daughter is so ugly... ...everytime I molest her I have to close my eyes and think of her sister.
What do Sea Monsters eat? Fish and SHIPS!
The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout. A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law.
"Snitches get stitches," I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I spend most of my time waiting for the next big thing to hate.
So I was in the library the other day... My black friend comes over and ask me where the color printers were at. I looked up and said "it's 2015 man you can use whatever printer you want".
What else can you call pictures depicting children sexually? Underdeveloped photos.
Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features. I hear it was a mean look.
How are dildos and tofu alike? They're both meat substitutes.
Me: *passes ransom note* Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies? Me: Or you'll never see the cat alive! Mom: He's behind you. Me: STUPID KITTY!
What's a pedophile's favorite part about hockey? ...before the first period.(   )
Why didn't the Jews fight in WWII? They all went camping.
Procrastination is like masturbation It awesome until you realize that you've fucked yourself.
There are some people walking around alive today, simply because I don't want to go to jail tomorrow.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You're annoying enough as it is
I know who's Batman's real son It's Lil Wayne!
A wizard and a vampire walk in to a bar The Wizard says, "Let me buy you a drink old friend," The Vampire says, "One chicken please!"
It is by Caffeine Alone I Set My Mind in Motion... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yorfOiQvkew
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn't there I just take a nap til one shows up.
How did Harry Potter get down the mountain? Running!... JK, Rowling.
I picked up a Jewish girl today, wanna know how? With a dustpan.
Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.
Hillary and Trump crash in a plane, who survives? The United States
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
If you elect me president, the national unemployment figures are guaranteed to drop by at least one.
Ever notice how confusing your sentence's are when you incorrectly use apostrophe's to pluralize word's? It hurt's me even to type thi's.
Why do people at work always laugh at my jokes? Because they're paid to.
My sister says I don't understand irony... ....which is funny because we were standing at a bus stop at the time.
Why couldn't the rapist go to the bathroom? The door read "Gentlemen."
when i was a kid i never trusted stairs. those bastards were always up to something.
So I finally got Pokemon GO... I still haven't caught any Counter-Terrorists.
H2O is water. H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? Drinking and bathing.
When you're feeling bored and unsatisfied with life, just remember... That there are some people who think Golf is interesting.
Did you hear about the sequel to "The Thing"? Turns out one of Jackie Chan's Relatives is directing it. His Uncle, I believe. &amp;nbsp; He's calling it "ONE *MORE* THING!"
What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger? Someone who sprays graffiti on chain link fences.
He said: "Tell me Baby...am I your first?" She said: "What? Like...today?"
My grandfather is buried in that cemetery... Boy is he going to be pissed when he wakes up.
What is Reddit's favorite airliner? Virgin airlines.
I pulled a groin muscle getting out of bed this morning... over and over and over.....
What sound does a horny toad make? .....rub it rub it.
I don't make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
Beetlejuice 2 has been announced and is bringing Keaton back but without Winona... They were afraid she'd steal the show. /me drops the mic and walks off stage waving a pop tart
Doctor doctor I can't concentrate  one minute I'm ok and the next minute I'm blank! And how long have you had this complaint? What complaint?
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Satyrs are awesome. The top half of a man. The bottom half of a goat. It's a dream come true for Gay Muslims.
What is brown and sticky? Shit.
Did you know you can see through Caitlyn Jenner? She is trans-parent.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked "can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?" *making screwdrivers*
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew 100 bucks back there".
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... unless you have muscular dystrophy, in which case you most certainly will not.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want. Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? Him: Fishing
It was 109 degrees where I live today. Now I know what it felt like to be a Jew during World War 2.
What do you call a porno that involves incest, biology and foot fetishes? Suck Mitosis
Have you heard this one before? Yes, twelve posts ago
I used to have sex daily... Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia... Edit: Holy donkey balls this blew up during my daily 8 hour nap. Thanks everyone for making my New Years..
Reddit themed Yo Momma jokes. I'll start: Yo momma so fat... ...her posts can't be upvoted.
I'm dissapointed that I can't touch a tittie after creating it. title*
Would you like some headphones? The air hostess said to me, 'Of course I would! Oh and how did you know my name was Phones?'
What do you call the hot tub that two folks just made love in? H2OOOHHHGG
how do you know that adam and eve were white have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man
Is Vanilla Ice's son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let's take a shower together and find out.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
I wouldn't take a bullet for you but I'd definitely push someone in front of you to take it for you. Same thing.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the 'Gangnam Style'.
A guy asked my girlfriend "Who would win a fight between a taco and a hotdog?" ... so I punched him in the head.
It's not illegal to wear a pinstripe suit & slick back your hair. Then go to a restaurant & ask them if they got "that thing" while winking.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar It was tense
what do ducks and pseudo-science have in common? it's all just a bunch of quackery.
"Sir, you have to stop masturbating" The nurse said. "But why?" The man asked "Because I can't examine you while you're moving."
What do you call a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with bad hair? Donny Trump
you can tell im drunk by the number of made-up words i concoctulate
Subway really has helped Jared transform himself Ever since he starting eating it he's been able to get into smaller and smaller pants.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I was sitting across the bus today from a very sexy Thai girl...and I kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection , Don't get an erection"....But she did
Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" isn't the right answer.
'Nothing like a real book' I say 'The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!' My tree girlfriend's parents sway uncomfortably
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken. -not an original, just wanted to share.
Wanna hear a joke about Alzheimer's? Never mind, I forgot.
How do you blindfold an Asian? With Dental Floss
So a Jew with a boner walks into a wall ..Breaks his glasses...
MURICANS Those who speak 3 language are trilingual , Those who speak 2 language are bilingual And those who speak one language are AMERICANS
Not really a joke, but I thought of a way to diss three people at once. When you see someone's baby the first time, say "so your mom did tell you how to make ugly babies"
Got a white noise app to help me sleep but its just a recording of guys talking about golf, Dockers, Whole Foods, & the new Coldplay album..
My drift racing career ended abruptly when I drifted so perfectly that my car slid into a different dimension where they don't have cars
"If you know about us Canadians, we like to say sorry..." "And if you knew that already... I'm sorry"
How are relationships like algebra? You look at your X and try to find out Y
Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to 1. Who turned the ceiling fan on 2. Why don't I have telekinetic powers
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
How do you keep an amish girl happy? Two men a night.
Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica? Their journey went south.
A man and a woman get into a lift Man says to woman "Can I smell your feet?" "No!" the woman says in disgust "Must be your vagina then!" replies the man.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.
Kermit the Frog's favorite sex position? Pig in a Blanket.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge. I AM POWER. I AM RESILIENCE. I AM A BRA STRAP.
Jokes about menstruation aren't funny... Period. 
Why did moses break his glasses in half? He wanted to part his sees.
What is something that everyone overlooks no matter how hard they try not to? Their nose
Wanna hear something gross about USA? $18.124 trillion
You know what I'd say to the victims of the Russia-Ukraine conflict? Crimea River
10 Type of people in this world There are 10 type of people in this world. People that understand binary, and people that don't.
I vote we change the name "hoodie" to "bother-my-neck-on-the-couch-ie"
How did Kikkoman soy sauce move production to China? They outsauced it.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
I heard that you only use like 10% of your brain. That leaves what, 82-83%?
So an electric pole fell on my head today I couldn't believe it cause it was so shocking
The hardest part about having an ugly child is lying to them when they ask you if you love them.
Babe are you a clock? Cause you're the bomb
May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]
Going to work. I got to work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk. I didn't know what to make of it.
Just been watching the women's Olympic beach volleyball and there has already been a wrist injury..... But I should be OK by Monday.
Word of the Day: Eskihoe  A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time.
Guys, I think Trump's immigration policies just might work China built a wall and they have like, no Mexicans.
WARNING: This film MAY contain nudity. Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.
In high school, people called me "Superman" due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.
Did you hear the one about the man who panicked when his friend started to drown? He didn't know water do...
I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades. Everyone just kept yelling, "HOW MANY WORDS?" and "IS IT THE EXORCIST?".
"What? Where?" -owl on some next level shit
What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES! When do we want em?! NNNNEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW
Dating blacks girls is a plus because you don't have to meet their fathers
I'd let Jesus take the wheel but... I don't know how to speak spanish.
It's true what they say: No news is Fox news.
A horse walks into a bar he starts to panic and kick and shit all over the place sorry I'm no good at jokes. -- [@billcorbett](https://twitter.com/BillCorbett/status/592353920204156928)
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you're doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Stupid jokes I made at 3 in the morning. What do you call a Spanish man with erasers for toes? *Roberto* What do you call a Spanish man with no car? *Joaquin*
I just want to bring your heart to it's knees. ... And while you're down there...
Which ant is the biggest? Elephant
Why shouldn't you play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
If someone says "With all due respect," what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
How do you turn a fox into a whale? Marry her.
Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
Turns out being a conspiracy theorist and having Asian friends don't go so well together. You can only shout "OPEN YOUR EYES!" so many times before someone gets offended.
I like my coffee like I like my women. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the mountains.
How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
Whats yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard
Why couldn't the glue hold the walls together? Because it wasn't ceiling.
Do you know how to save a Muslim from drowning ? Click if you don't know the answer . That's good :) .  // you can replace muslim by anything , it is a racist JOKE //
Guys, don't take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Why can't Chinese couples have caucasian babies? Because two wongs dont make a white
A Jewish boy asks his father for 10 dollars His father replies, "5 dollars? What do you need 2 dollars for?"
2 muffins sitting in the oven. First one says "Damn it's hot in here". Second one says "Oh shit! A talking muffin".
Knock, Knock Knock, Penny?
Two peanuts walking down a street One was a salted....
Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion
What do you call two lesbians in a closet? Licker cabinet.
That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.
What does OSU and Ronda Rousey have in common? They were both undefeated until the final kick.
Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 people died.
Muhammad Ali's epitaph was revealed this morning. Ali ByeBye.
Best pun ...EVER Unfortunately I didn't go to the Gym today but the cashiers name at McDonald's was Jim .... So same thing, right??
Seasonal Star Wars joke &gt; **Darth Vader**: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. &gt; **Luke**: How? &gt; **Darth Vader**: I felt your presents. EDIT: Formatting
THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!
I wonder if flies ever think, "I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face." Because they'd be right.
A tree tipped over A lot of pounds crashed to the ground
Resumes are the most popular form of historical fiction.
This bloke in the pub last night was boasting that when he orgasms, he ejaculates up to a pint of semen at a time.I found that a bit hard to swallow
*stands up and screams* "PICTURES OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" *gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*
A banker, a Greek and a German sit on a table ... There are ten cookies on that table. The banker takes nine and tells the German: "Watch out, the Greek so going to steal your cookie!"
*walks into door on street, looks around* Whew...no one saw me... One year later... *watching TV* *sees self on Funniest Videos*
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? More than ten because my basement is still dark.
What do you get when you cross a spud and a metal show? Moshed potatoes.
Pay me a complement. Wife: I look like a fat, ugly, wrinkly, pig, be a dear and pay me a complement Husband: Your eyesight's damn near perfect. Edit:Format
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat. Men, come & get me if you're into rodents.
I just learned that you can get drunk from Kangaroo meat! I'm pretty sure it has something to do with all the hops.
What does Kevin 11 have that Peter Parker doesn't? A living Ben and Gwen.
How does one robber ask another how they're doing? "How are you holding up?"
How much is Donald Trump's life insurance worth? One Pence
Daddy long legs are the NBA players of spiders.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, "helium." Also, my friend is a balloon.
Wrestling is so stupid..... .....Men with no pants fighting for a belt
Cargo shorts are awesome because you have extra pockets to carry all the ladies numbers that you get.
It took eating 1 chocolate covered almond for me to make the decision that I will eat like shit for the rest of the day.
If I heard Matthew McConaughey only drank water out of a garden hose attached to the side of his house, I'd totally believe it.
What's black and white all over and difficult? An exam paper!
What do prostitutes work for? Incum
If your mom could communicate with the dead she would be an extra large.
I recently came across a book about a highway system in a third world country I didn't enjoy it. It was full of potholes.
If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday. Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.
I hope no one I know ever has an emergency that they can't text me about. Because, answering my phone? No thanks.
Why does Donald Trump watch the olympics? To see how high the mexican pole jumpers can jump.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Prankcalling the NSA like is my refrigerator running?
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong  to? Pupil: Nobody I know!
A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn't have cheese on it Wait couldn't I just put the che Mother of god
Called my boss this morning. Told him I couldn't come in because I had anal glaucoma. "Anal glaucoma?" "What's that?" he asked. "I just can't see my ass coming in today."
What's the difference between Santa Clause and a Pedophile? Nothing, they both like to unload their sacks while pleasuring children.
Chuck Norris joke: Alexander Bell invented the telephone. When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
I eat my poo joke Knock knock...Who's there? I eat mop...I eat mop who?
I asked a Southeast-Asian-looking elderly gentleman if he was from Thailand. He said, "Yeah, Siam."
A mango told an apple "I love you" Actually it was a passionfruit, not a mango
What's DJ Khaled's favourite number? 11, Because it has another 1.
Why are kids with DS getting elected prom kings and queens? Either way, they're going down in history.
What do you call a bartender giving two dolphins a drink? Serving dual porpoises!
Brain: We've got lots to do today. Body: You're on your own buddy.
What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence? Mountin' time
Fresh and Funny! Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? Oh Harry, that would be lovely! Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
I was frozen down to absolute zero yesterday... Don't worry, I was 0K.
Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.
Why did Jimmy get into a horrific car accident? He let God take the wheel Edit: *Jesus.* He let *Jesus* take the wheel
the smiley face :) emoticon was invemted becuase, for som reason, peopel are no longer comfortabel with using the words "i am happy"
When do ghosts have to stop scaring people? When they lose their haunting licenses.
How do you get Lady Gaga to leave you alone? You Poke-r Face.
Why is a psychiatrist like a  squirrel? Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
I watched a documentary on marijuana It was very enjoyable. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
When a baby is learning to eat shouldn't he have an L-plate?
Why was the broom late for work? It over swept.
I'm my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Listen. You've been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don't know what you're "expecting"
I have a fear of speed bumps... But im slowly gettin over it.
LIES! STOP THE LIES! -My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he's gonna "repair that".
I have this condition, I wake up at ten to nine every day... Doctor says it is nothing serious just a mild case of ten-to-ninetis.
If you text "Haiti" to Pat Robertson's phone number, $10 will be deducted from his account and sent to Haiti.
donation for swimming pool Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
There are 2 types of people in this world Those with the ability to extrapolate information from incomplete data
My daughter may only be one year old today, but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth grade level.
All the jokes on this subreddit... are fresh and original!
A pirate is never late.... (x-post from Funny) A pirate is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to. Although admittedly drunk, on fire and uninvited.
There are three types of people... Those who can count, and those who can't.
What did the twin embryos say when they were hungry? Fetus
How did Moses part the Red Sea? He used a Sea-saw.
When you really have to pee and there's no bathroom in sight... Urine trouble.
A cop stops a guy for speeding and he tells him:" I had a feeling I'll give a fine today, so I waited for you here all day ." "Sorry , but I came as fast as I could!"
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Why did the rabbits go on strike? They wanted a better celery!
What rhymes with orange? no, it doesnt.
What do you call A man doing Laundry? Non-existent
Why is Texas not a part of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks so much
Doctor Doctor I feel like a pack of  cards. I'll deal with you later.
Screw the nice list, I've got you on my "nice and naughty list!
I wondered what my parents did to kill boredom before the internet. I mean, I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them had a clue.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel? Sparky
My grandpa has a heart of a lion And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's al-Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
The Navy How does the Navy separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
How did you know that the janitors were dating? They were caught sweeping together.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy's house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
House is a mess ... Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[woman on death row] "Your last meal?" - I don't care. You pick. "Fish?" - Gross no "Steak?" - No. Anything is fine tho. "Pasta?" - Ew carbs
"should i go into the arts?" "can you imagine yourself doing anything else?" "no" "then i wouldn't go into the arts, with no imagination"
"Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs. Me: Ew" On reflection this would have been a real time saver. If you're reading this, call me?
Double standards are amazing. If I take my top off I'm called a "poser". But if a women does it, suddenly I'm not allowed to masturbate?
What do you call a constipated German? Farfrompoopin.
Yo momma... Is so fat she started a new diet, lost a lot of weight and is doing really well now.
I want to start a potato chip company called "dick's." Our motto would tell you to eat a bag of 'em.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. Son:.... Me:..... Son:.... Me:.... Son: I don't have any other feet. Me:.... Fair enough, dude.
Guy brings a giraffe into a bar... The giraffe passes out on the floor and the bartender says "hey, you cant leave that lyin there." The guy says "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
[trying to unhook a bra] *kung fu noises*
Why does a pony have a sore throat? Because it's a little hoarse.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
DATE IDEA: We stay in our respective homes and watch different shows on Netflix. And also that was a fake phone number I gave you.
Please don't ask me what something means or who someone is from your device which has access to the internet.
Why did the scarecrow win the award? He was outstanding in his field.
17 blondes decide to go to cinema... But when they arrive they don't enter the cinema because it says you have to be 18 to get in.
Well, I'm moving to Thailand. There's a small village there named Phucket that really speaks to me on a spiritual level.
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He received the gas bill.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they're covering up
The Jonestown cult survivor was never any good at jokes. He always missed the punchline.
Why was the lightning grilled on the stove?  -To make heat lightning
What is the volume of a pizza of thickness A and radius Z? PI Z Z A
"Unhand me you cad!" I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I've only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you hear about the suspect who's alibi was that he was at a restaurant? Well the restaurant Carraba-rated his story.
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? The gun only has one trigger!   -Clorox Bleach
Old bankers never die... ...They just lose interest.
Did you hear about the new iPhone? It's a six s (success)
When are people going to realize that "the bigger the shoe size, the bigger the penis" ... ... is a total phallicy?
[talking to myself in the mirror] "You will not be awkward today." Person: "Hey" Me: "Good. How are you?"
Michael Schumacher has spoken out about global warming, in a statement he said "Things are getting pretty bad, just yesterday I was skiing and when I woke up this morning it was summer"
You know, once I entered a pun contest, I gave in 10 puns hoping one would win Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
Why shouldn't Mexicans play UNO? They keep taking all the green cards
I'll call bowling a sport when there's a goalie.
What do you call a muslim on an airplane? A passenger you racist fuck.
Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know
Some people are like Slinkys. Not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.
What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say when he couldn't remember why it was there? Arrrh, it's driving me nuts
"Honey, it's not that I don't like your cooking, it's just that the smoke's about to asphyxiat our family." "WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??"
Why is Microsoft skipping Windows 9 and going straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9!
Why is it so cold in San Francisco? Giant fans.
My friend got a bad haircut today. I told him it will grow on him.
My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.
Do fish get thirsty?
Why don't ghosts like rainy days? Because it dampens their souls!!!!
The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen I was having an allergic reaction.
Why did the black kid wish for a white Christmas? Because all his white friends got better gifts than him.
Mickey Rourke needs to get beaten up at the beginning of every movie he's in so it explains his face.
I don't need WebMD to tell me what's wrong with me, I have my mother.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I've had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
A priest, a child molester, and an alcoholic, walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy.
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me! I only received super fish oil injuries, but still...
Why do Canadian women use hockey pucks instead of tampons? Because they last for 3 periods.
What is Juan's favorite book to read? Tequila Mockingbird
What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading? Crimea River.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
Why does Al Gore hate Oil Spills? they get all over the sheets.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they'd start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Nodding my head like yeah moving my hips like yeah selling my blood like yeah because I made a series of poor financial decisions like yeah
TIL in 1972, the Russians attacked their own submarine off the coast of Guatemala Woops, wrong sub.
Son, I've made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences. How I tell my 5yo I'm off to poop
How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb? One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
My local newspaper ran a story on the decrease of cow psychics. It was called "Steak Medium Rare"
If your band's name is a plural & it doesn't have a "the" in front of it, I will fucking put one there.
Have you guys seen Paula Deen's new restaurant menus? They only serve crackers.
What do you call a gay milkman? A dairy queen.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I'm playing with it. Yeah...I'm playing with my selfie.
What did the other traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look! I'm changing!
If lemonade is made from lemons, what's a colonnade made from?
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a  dog. How long have you felt like this? Ever since I was a puppy!
How Old Is Your Father Teacher: "How old is your father?" Boy: "As old as me." Teacher: "How can that be?" Boy: "He became a father only when I was born?"
Different religions can be really strict about adherence to their principles. I hate anal sects.
Why do girls always walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can't even...
If god came down to earth, he'd have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.
A farmer goes up to another farmer and says "if you can guess how many chickens I have... ...I'll give you both of them." TL;DR: OP is a fag.
"SZA" would be the perfect name for a lesbian member of the Wu Tang Clan
Nothing more American than getting on an airport's "moving walkway" and standing still as it slowly carries you to a Cinnabon.
What's DJ Khaled's favorite number? 11, because it has another 1.
Why couldn't the cow leave the farm? She was pasteurized!
The sad story of a homeless Genie He lost his bottle
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.
I ran into my ex today. Long story short, my car is totaled.
I've started up a chip shop in Auschwitz. I called it "Arbeit Macht Fries".
When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it's becoming a Transformer.
"Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot
June is over? Julying.
fuck that. A guy frantically searches his room then asks his grandma if she has found a bottle labeled LSD. Fuck that replies granny, have you seen the fucking dragon in the kitchen?
I found a carrier bag with an England football shirt that someone had just thrown away, I couldn't believe it... Carrier bags are worth 5p these days!
Mirror mirror on the wall, what is the fairest element of them all? Iron
Friend: what has teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? Friend: my zipper Me: so what you are saying is your dick turns green when you get a boner?
A toothless termite walks into a bar... He asked "is the bar tender here?"
I just want to have a long enough career in show business so I can become eccentric and bring a goat to a meeting or some shit
What is the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your arse.
After I have sex, I like my women how I like my mailbox outside my house
I told my friend she should work at a tire shop... She does the best rim-jobs I've ever had.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
A golfer bought a six pack of beer but he had to take it back... because there was a hole-in-one
I just won an innuendo competition. I had to beat off some stiff competition though.
What does E.T. stand for? Freedom of speech
You know what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket? Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket!
Men have a basic understanding of complex ideas. Women have a complex understanding of basic ideas.
KING1: I bring you gold. K2: I bring you frankincense. K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you...erm...interpretive dance!
Why did the 25 year old cross the street? To catch a charmander.
Have you ever smelled Moth Balls? How'd you get your head between it's legs??..
Why is Germany taking in immigrants because they have the camps.
I don't know if digital anal sex toys would be legal.... But iAnal
My neverending quest in life is to evenutally find the stupid lid to this damn Tupperware bowl.
Today's the day I finally get my shit togethe
There's been a lot of lightbulb jokes lately I'd say it's a hot topic.
Your penis is so small it could fit inside a 1948 donut hole
Why did the pedophile buy a guitar? To finger A-Minor.
[NSFW] What did the farmer say when he got caught watching porn? Amishamed of myself.
BOSS: Okay, let's do this. What names are you pitching? COWORKER: Hannah Montana ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts BOSS: Michael you're fired
Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? Every time his wife gets hot, he smacks her with a shovel.
How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side
A WOMAN IS ONLY GOOD FOR ONE THING! Being an equal partner in a loving relationship.
I bought a fleshlight today My masturbation has gotten out of hand
I'm not convinced faith can move mountains, but I know what it can do to skyscrapers. (Come on, it's been 15 years.)
Last night I dreamt that I wrote 'Lord of the Rings'. I realized I was just Tolkien in my sleep...
My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah, and I had to give it to her because as far as I know that's correct
Funny Conversation that actually happened to me Me: Hey Dray is that a new watch? Dray: Yeah man Me: Smooth, what kind of watch is it? Dray: Guess Me: Just tell me, I don't know my watches very well.
Breaking up with Japanese Girl Was Hard... I recently had to break up with my girlfriend who was Japanese and it was hard, I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
"and god said LET THERE BE BUTTS and there were butts nice warm jiggly butts everywhere on every human" - me 2:16
Common scene Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
What is white and twelve inches long? Nothing
We've got an aviary at home... We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to the sounds of '80s synth pop. Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie
Everyone my age is older than me...
With all this beef going around about Chris Brown and Soulja boy fighting, one things clear This isn't going to be the first time Chris Brown hits a bitch
Studies show that woman are better drivers. Sike!
I'm in hiding from exercise. It's called the fitness protection program.
What's the difference between a proclamation from the Vatican and a mail-order husband from ebay? One's a papal mandate and the other's a paypal man-date.
I don't get how people say Mickey Rourke looks bad for his age... ...don't they realise his first film role was in 1941?!
If you're going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don't be open.
"Have you heard about the movie constipation?" "It hasn't come out yet."
"Makin all the ladies drop they panties" I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria's Secret.
With all the different ways to sat the same jokes, how would you know it's not a repost? You just wait for the comments to link you up.
What do you call it when a homeless wino robs a gay man in a park late at night? A WHAM reunion.
Signs a Woman Likes You: 1. Eye contact 2. Twirls her hair 3. Laughs at your jokes 4. Follows you 5. Keys your car 6. Kills you
To get a job in the Army you need good peoples kills.
there is something good about pedophiles... ...they make a kick-ass cocoa!
TIFU by picking up a dead bee. It wasn't. Now my thumb hurts.
Dear @Ford what about an f-150 you could drive standing up in the bed like the truck was a boat
Stop bragging about your 10,000 lakes, Minnesota. You don't hear Iowa going on and on about its 12,000 smells.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Yo mamma so dumb..... That she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
What did the blind and deaf girl get for Christmas? Cancer.
My Wife caught me blow drying my shaft And Asked me what was i doing. Apparently heating your dinner was not the right answer
I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood. It's the only way I know how to exorcise.
So my girlfriend caught me cheating Dunno what pisses her off more, that I cheated, or that I destroyed her daughters grave.
How do you make the best Americanized Chinese food? Like Tso.
A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery.. But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said "I stand corrected".
Me: I'm a tenor. Her: You're a six, and I'm being generous.
Two drums and a cymbal roll down a hill ba dum tsss
I'm not really a fan of Apple products. Mostly because I'm a bigger fan of not being broke.
What do you call it when an oyster takes a picture of itself? A shell-fie
My friend Robert showed me a cross between a cabbage and a turnip... I said, "That's cool, Robbie!"
How do you endanger the fly species? Slap an African child.
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler Usain Bolt can finish a race.
I used to have a fear for speed bumps... But I'm slowly getting over it. Edit: Why is this flaired as dirty?
What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language? Anticlimactic
Why was the lonely instantiated object always asked to sit in the hallway at school? Because only friends were allowed to access the class.
Where do cotton balls come from? Male cotton plants
There's a new hair salon opening in Mordor! Appointment only, no walk-ins.
I think calling followers followers is a bit pretentious. I prefer to think of them as curious observers.
At school he used to enjoy streaking. On it's own, not a particularly interesting fact, until you consider he was at an ALL BOYS boarding school.
Why are wedding dresses white? So the dishwasher matches the stove.
I'm 30 and my knees won't even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they're not working.
They should really have disposable razors in the women's bathrooms at bars.
Don't worry if you missed 4/20 Because today is 4/20 too!
I'm upset. I'm two years into engineering school and... I haven't even started learning how to drive a train
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
What's a jewish dota 2 player's favorite skill? shekel shot
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lic-Alot-O-Puss
Little Susie goes to the doctor... Little Susie goes to the doctor. Doctor puts a stethoscope on her back and says, "Ok now, big breathes." Susie says, "I know! And I'm only 12!"
My local baseball team can't sell beer at the stadium anymore... They lost the opener! [wah wah](http://www.sadtrombone.com/)
[Favorite joke from Letterman] What goes into thirteen twice? Roman Polanski.
NAZI: I'm a Nazi MEDIA: How controversial NAZI: I said I was a Nazi MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My milk of magnesia brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, you sounded younger on the phone.
Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff
When the pope dines with homeless people hes an amazing person. When I do it I'm just another homeless person.
How do you tell a bad joke from a good joke? You skip the punchline.
What do you call a redneck with a functioning car? Lucky
In light of Germany's discovery of ISIS using mustard gas: What do you call a soldier who's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.
Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.
A priest, a pedophile and a rapist A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. Then he sits down
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man it's hot in here" The other muffin turns and screams" Holy fuck a talking muffin!"
What's the most difficult part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Again with the victim blaming, jerk? Don't tell us to change the lightbulb, tell the lightbulb to not need changing.
Mom is feeding her baby a bottle of blood. Dad walks in and goes "Why are you feeding our baby a bottle of blood?!" Mom says "Cause we're poor."
What does Beyonce eat food out of? An IrreplacaBOWL.
I've always been a B+ student. It's in my blood.
-Joe's coming over. "Joe from work or Joe who thinks he's the Norse god, Thor?" [the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]
My ex wife still misses me... But her aim is getting better!
America is converting to the metric system Inch by inch
What do Crocs and getting a bj by a dude have in common? They both feel fantastic till you look down and realize you're gay.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they'd be only 11.5 inches tall?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, "What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?"
What was the root of the problem dark ages? The potato famine.
I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer.
What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
I was thinking of telling you guys a gay joke. Butt fuck it...
What do they call their mistresses in Islamic countries? Haram Baes
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
It's not that I don't like drinking, it's just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I'm sober.
NSFW Hey girl, are you a doctor? I need to speak to one because you've given me an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours.
"You're just not my cup of tea" I say to someone else's cup of tea.
You know what the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is? A drunk doesn't have to go to all those fuckin meetings.
I'm obsessed with power buttons They just turn me on.
Kanye's motivation to run for president . . . Mayweather's facebook page and twitter account! You can have them even if you don't know what is in them.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they've been lying.
Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I'm well versed in Mexico's version of Judo. Judo know if I got a knife... Judo know if I got a gun...
What's a 6.9? A good time ruined by a period.
What's the best way to fix a horse race? Evolution.
How to play the Michael Brown drinking game Just stand there and take the 8 shots.
My 5 year old's original joke My son came up with this one. Clever, I thought. What has one wheel, spins, but never moves? A Ferris wheel.
What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker and the other a crack snacker.
Photons don't even matter.
What's the difference between an angry man and a gay arab? An angry man shakes a fist...
What do you get when you cross Tumblr with anything? A bunch of offended Tumblrinas
What did they change the name of the gay bar in Orlando to? No Pulse
How does our solar system organize a party? They Planet
Did you hear about the midget that got arrested for masturbating in public? They say that he had a short cumming!
What name do you give to a frog? (croaky voice) ROBBERT
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Mrs. Bigger liked telling everyone her newborn baby boy was a lot bigger than she was... But he was really just a little Bigger.
I have a giant penis. I've kept it in a jar ever since the giant died.
I'm a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
SOFT HIT......... A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
You know what's wrong with baptism? They don't hold them under long enough.
Remember Kids! Friendly fire, isn't.
When a man with a lisp says buthneth... you know he means business.
How do you get a Jewish Girl's number? You roll up herr sleeve.
Amazing how much "self-help" advice never gets to the part where you cowboy up and learn how to actually help yourself. By yourself.
What do you call a bunch of Indians running down a hill? A: A mudslide How do you make one? A: Roll a coin down a hill Who is the richest man in India? A: The guy who got the coin
Facebook is pretty much the Wal-Mart of the internet.
Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for having sex with the bananas and fruit at the grocery store? He recently got off on appeal.
A man isn't complete until he's married. Then, he's finished.
My Grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell off of a guard tower.
What did the nudist criminal say when he agreed to a criminal plan? "I'm in, but I'm not decent."
Little do you know that in my head I've already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress. All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he's done.
My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.
I hate working with customers I've gotta say "hi" all the time. (Tove Lo)
Why did Adele cross the road #To say hello from the other side#
Why are my pubes curly? Because if they were straight, they'd be poking you in the eyes.
1. Bang knee on table - curse life. 2. Check credit card balance. 3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.
What did one casket say to the other? "Is that you coffin?"
Rectum.. ...damn near killed 'em!
How does a redneck find a sheep in his field? Sexy.
Psychologists who have examined Oscar Pistorius say that he is at risk of suicide. Especially if he confuses himself with a burglar.
Books all over the floor..... but I have only my shelf to blame.
You know the 4 quarters Lebron joke, how about the Dirk one? I asked Dirk for change for a dollar; he gave me 4 quarters and a dime. He always gives any extra 10%.
What does smoking a cigarette and eating a pussy have in common? [NSFW] The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.
Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it "MY way" you'd have added alcohol to your menu.
All barcode tattoos ring up as ranch dressing. Every single one of them.
My 13 year old doesn't speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she's going to be a hitman someday.
A Bostonian is walking down the street when... A pirate jumps out in front of him and screams "Arrr!!!" To which the Bostonian screams back "Ahhhhhh!"
*paints car camouflage* *stops making payments*
A girl comes home to her mother She walks up to her and says "Mom, a creep in the park today asked me to give him a blowjob for this beautiful necklace!"
A new joke really racist. Jews are so weak,that the only way for them to be fast is to inject them with salmon water.And they are so cheap that they think 1 penny is like 5 million dollars.
I keep waiting for a musical montage to start so I can do something awesome.
I'm no accountant but I'm thinking if you sold your Escalade, you could probably afford a lawnmower. Maybe even some paint for the house.
*you open a ring box and inside it is an enormous pair of jeans* He went to Jared
Sports Authority must be a publisher now... ..All I hear now are discussions about Chapter 7 and Chapter 11!
[at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? "yeah" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?
Does anybody know a rad trigonometry joke? Please don't go off on a tangent.
How come Rhonda Rousey had a hard time making friends when she was younger? Because she was Holm schooled.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir? -Why yes you may. *opens wallet* *pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I hurt my back... ...and the head of HR asked me if I was limping. Apparently it is NOT OK to say "Naw, just working on my pimp walk". :)
I've always wanted to get in an accident with someone who has the same exact car as me. MY NECK HURTS! WHO GIVES A FUCK THIS IS COOL!
Wheelchairs A perfect gift for that "special" someone.
what do a roadway, for coworkers in the same car, that goes underwater and discomfort in the wrist from excessive computer use have in common? carpool tunnel
What do space-related scientists call themselves in Australia? Austronomers
Why were the coffee beans upset? Because they were grounded.... Or black I am not sure.
The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The best joke I ever heard from a Laffy Taffy wrapper Why do kangaroos hate rainy days? ... The kids have to play inside.
Why was the guitarist arrested? Because he was fingering A minor...
What's the difference between a viola and an onion People cry when you cut up an onion
I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.
A couple orders a pie at a luxury restaurant The husband eats 4/7 of the pie and the wife the rest. He paid 4.5$ more than her. How much did the pie cost?  Answer in comments
You know what they say: once you go blank Shit i forgot what i was gonna say
What do you call a funny baked good? a pun
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? 13, 1 to actually do it and the other 12 talk about how much better they could have done it.
What do you do when you see a space man? You park the car, *man*.
Doctor: Sir, I have two bad news for you The first is that you have 48 hours before you die -And the second one? :'( I should have told you yesterday
If your father is a Priest, could you call him Father dad? Shit thought, shit joke.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What do you call a blind, legless buck? No eye-deer. EDIT: I totally messed this joke up. Please give me another chance with another joke?
Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair  all down her back. Harry: Pity it's not on her head!
Teachers call it "Going to the bathroom". We call it "I'm bored, I'm gonna go wander around school."
[Request] Anyone know how the 'ten inch pianist' joke goes? I've seen it referenced as a punchline but never heard the actual joke.
What are pedophile's favorite shoes? Vans
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I'm not stupid... "...no! There are only 49 states, cause scientists say Pluto doesn't count."
My masseur thinks he's naturally better than any masseuse. He's such a massagynist.
There once was a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray... He is now a seasoned veteran.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational statuses are hard
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
What do you call a person with a Simpsons fetish? Homer-sexual
A good lawyer, Santa Claus, and an honest politician enter an elevator. They see a five dollar bill on the ground. Who picks it up? Santa. The other two don't exist.
What is the easiest way to kill a gaggle of black men? Tie watermelons to the bottom of a lake
I'm gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that's where I'm gonna live.
They should make erasers for Crayons called "Crayoffs".
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar? Me: You don't have a job. How will you pay me back? 5: Me: 5: I'll borrow another dollar.
Does the five-second rule apply to soup? Please hurry. Edit: Nevermind.
I wonder what Kirstie Alley is putting frosting on right now.
What do you call a mail order bride from Thailand? A she-mail
How do you reject a French girl? Just say neaux.
Why did the Anthropod need braces? It had a trilobite. Get it? ..I'll show myself to the door.
Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.
9/11 joke Knock, knock. Who's there? Nine-eleven. Nine-eleven who? You said you'd never forget....
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it's not in my way.
Can Norwegians make a documentary about anything other than the Kon Tiki?
test icles
What do you call an isolated mystical forest creature? Gnome alone.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair Virgin Mobile
My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.
Fat women Vs Gravity Fat girls really do defy the laws of physics. It appears the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
They're just making up new weather with this 'thunder snow' shit. Next we'll have 'earthquake rain' or 'sunny darkness' or some shit.
I wish there was an " I don't get it button."
Whiteboards are... Remarkable
What do you call a Nun who is moving? Virgin Mobile....
Hey Seattle do you want to win a Superbowl???? " No thanks we'll pass!! "
Who's a good example of a Swedish Spaniard? Per Ejemplo.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Waxing Q: Why did the woman refuse to pay for her Brazilian waxing? A: Because it was a total rip-off.
What do you have in December that you don't  have in any other month ? The letter "D" !
Women's Magazines: Pg 1. You're beautiful and perfect just the way you are Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Hey are you a slinky? Because you're not very useful, but always bring a smile to my face when pushed down the stairs.
Why do Gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. My FAVORITE clean joke, by far.
What do you call a Woolworths that has been burned down? Coles
A dwarf, that happens to be a mystic, escapes from prison. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
Love is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.
What do you call a flexible Rastafarian who lies a lot? Cinnamon twist
I heard a 7 year old tell this amazing joke the other day. What is Mario's favorite material? Denim denim denim! *musical*
How do all racist jokes start? *looks around everywhere*
Do you know why the government is important? It isn't, now have a landmine. -Ron Swanson
[rookie undercover] *walks up to dealer* "yo you a cop" um no "hmm ok what you want" EIGHT COCAINES PLEASE *gives thumbs up to chief in car*
Referring to people as individuals isn't accurate... I can divide them.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME - Yay I get to work from home - It would be nice to talk to people - I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Why did the rancher stop attending poker night with his marijuana smoking steers? The steaks were getting too damn high.
Just heard Kim Kardashian's new song. All I'm going to say is that, for as many black dudes as she bangs, I expected more.
What's black and looks good on a lawyer? An unconvicted felon.
Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.
Have you heard my construction joke? I'm working on it.
I walked in on my roommate watching midget porn When I questioned him about it, he started getting short with me
two elephants and a drum kit fall of a cliff... badum-dum-tish
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Who's the biggest hoe in history? Mrs. Pacman. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn't graduate college.
As a doctor, I once had to remove the spine of a pirate He was all for it and said "It was holding me back"
I was discredited as a paleontologist when my discovery of a new dinosaur species turned out to be the skeleton of Clifford the big red dog
what's common between a puppy and a good book ? both are easy to pick up but hard to put down
If I had a nickel for every gender... I'd have ten cents and a dead meme
Are you going to take a bath? No I'm leaving it where it is.
President Obama to rename the White House
Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!
What's the difference between a clown and a prostitute? Clowns have cunning stunts
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walked into a bar. And the bartender said, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
Jokes for the blind.
A blind man walks into a store... he then starts knocking things off the shelves. An employee asks; - "Is there anything I can help you with?" - "No thanks, I'm just looking around."
What do you call an Arab with only 1 ball. Iqubal
[SPEED DATING] HER: Hi, is this seat free? ME: By all means. HER: *drags chair across room ME: WTF? HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I get erections are funerals. Guess you could say I have mourning wood.
I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ... You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, "Jamal kindly paint my house?"
How is making cheese like invading Syria? You get some Kurds in the way.
After the Heimlich maneuver what's the best way to stop someone from choking? To pull it out.
Why is 6 afraid of 7 Cos 7 has Ebola.
What have working for the KGB and oral sex got in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Suck his dick
Where does the military commander buy his groceries? the GENERAL STORE HAHAHAHAHAHA IM SO SORRY
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I really thought my friend was my bro... Turns out it was just the placebro.
Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground. -Hash Tag
Guys, what's the most funny offensive joke you know?
Time to fap Ctrl+Shift+N
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Women shouldn't have to be in prison for more than a month. Because their period should be the end of their sentence.
What did the mole say when someone told him there were entire above-ground civilizations? "Holy moley, I didn't know that!"
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.
What do you do with a Jew who has ADHD? Put him in a concentration camp
When is the Quran accurate? When it's thrown from a short distance.
you know who else had a "fun hat phase"? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Never trust someone who tells you mashed cauliflower tastes just like mashed potatoes. They'll lie to you about other things, too.
Jokes About ESl classroom What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot
Funny joke I heard during christmas Two nuns are sitting in a tub and one says to the other "where's the soap" and the other nun replies "yes it does".
Knock Knock ...
To all the fisherman out there... You da reel MVP
Co-worker felt bad about throwing away a donation request from the Alzheimer's Association. I told him not to worry, they won't remember who they sent those to anyway.
Condoms don't break They sexpire.
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
If Obama wins I'm leaving the country. If Romney wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.
Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
What do you call a homeless man who trashes food you give him then says he only accepts cash? A rootabaga.
What do you get when you mix a joke and a rhetorical question?
Did you know that Helen Keller had a swingset in her backyard? Neither did she.
My new wifi password: Whatsawifi Enter DWMC-esque dude/sweet scene.
What do angry beavers build? DAMNITS!
I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted!
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef.
When is a door not a door? How the hell is ajar supposed to work with this? Adoor and ajar? 'Cuse me?
Hillary Clinton doesn't suck! Just ask Bill
Why are none talking in the ladies sauna? They are sitting on their lips!
Whats an ex-iphone user's favorite cereal? Apple Jacks
Passwords 123456 abcdef Password
I just want to be wealthy enough to fill a swimming pool with puppies. A lot of puppies are going to die but I think it will be worth it
Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted.
I'm trans-GPA I'm a 4.0 student living in the body of a 2.0 student
What do you call a grasshopper with no legs ? A grasshover !
For every action, there is an reaction, and with a reaction there is a suing. ~Fine Bros.
What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet.
Who has 2 thumbs and had an accident in shop class? Not me!
SMS from my girl: If ur sleeping, send me ur dreams; if ur laughing, send me ur smile; if ur crying, send me ur tears. Response: Honey I'm shitting, should I send you something?
Thanks god my wife die. hhhhhhhhh
What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet!
Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars? Because his colleagues would call him the Quantum Mechanic.
Breaking News!: Two teens cut cocks off while high on meth. Back in my day we did not need meth. We would just cut our cocks off.
World War II jokes aren't funny... Anne Frank-ly I don't care for them.
*me looking in refrigerator* freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
What's worse than watching Star Wars?
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last big hit was the wall... :)
I finally got hired at the local adult store First day on the job I got a raise!
What do you call someone who hates pencils? Erracist
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr.Dre.
What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak!
Jehovah's Witnesses are like testicles They come in pairs, one is always bigger than the other, they keep knocking on the door but never get in, and if they do, shits about to get freaky.
My mum must be such a bitch. Just found out she left us before I was born.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar and one looks to the other and says "man, I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there."
I used to be a cross dressing fireman... ...I kept getting a ladder in my tights.
What do you call a Mexican who has had his car stolen? Carlos
My wife and I couldn't have a baby so we decided to go to an adoption agency. I was so excited while I was in there. It made me happy to think that I could finally take off the baby on board sticker.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.
Met a woman with 12 boobs the other day Sounds weird dozen tit?
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there.
My friend who worked at a movie theater died yesterday. Funeral services are being held at 3:20, 5:15, 7:50 and 9:10.
I saw my friend at the pool today for the first time in a long time and I said... Hey! WATER you doing here?
I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!! I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!
What animal do you get when shake a pig? a ham-stir
-1 8  3.14 And it was delicious
That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.
Did you hear about the pilot who went on sick leave? He had the flew.
Why do programmers like to concatenate time stamps? It's the only way they can get a string of dates.
Why is the rear end of a boat so tough? It's made of stern stuff.
Which Pokemon trainer does Scyther hate the most? Red
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests. For when you only want to be 35% sure.
*seinfeld voice* What's the dill with pickles?
Did you hear about the guy with the right side of his body removed? What you see is what's left
Here in Britain, we've got May &amp; Hammond in the Government now - All we need is Clarkson and we've got Top Gear back again.
Why did the muscle miss class? ...because it wasn't a-tendon!
I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.
All I'm saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Why couldn't the Germans make a good vacuum chamber? There was too much gas in them.
What do you get when someone teases you with ice cream then takes it away? Blue Bells.
what do you call a high Rowan Atkinson? Baked bean.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
What do they call Muhammad Ali on bean night? Gaseous Clay
Hey baby, I'm like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don't have any electricity
DBZA Joke! Frieza: How do you work the Dragon Balls? Nail: Did you work the shaft?
NSFW I Had Sex With My Teacher Re-Dux I'm self-taught.
My Doctor told me I'm pregnant... I told her she's got to be kid-in-me
Got caught again. Next time I'm stealin alcohol from the neighbor's, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
Why did the girl Gorilla engaged to the invisible man call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it!
Why are there so many trees in Harlem? Public Transportation
Who's your favorite comedian? Friend: who's your favorite comedian Me:Donald Trump Friend:why? Me:Everybody knows Donald trump is a joke
What do you get when you throw a bomb in a French bathroom? Linoleum Blown-apart
What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? "You going to eat that?"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Joan Rivers stopped breathing during cosmetic surgery and has passed after several days of home care. At least she died doing what she loved.
I'm Mexican and my teacher asked me to turn in my essay. But I ain't no snitch.
if a child of mine is ever incredibly muscular at birth i would consider naming it XERXES in all caps like that
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stpehen hawking after a house fire.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
What kind of fun does a priest have? None.
You know which presidential candidate in 2020 will have the hardest time? Tom Cotton. Having to tell black people to "Pick Cotton!" in 2020.
*Smashes the Sony *Destroys the Panasonic *Pummels the Kenwood *Rips apart the Pioneer ~breaking all stereotypes
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She Gagged.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I'll tell you anything you want to know.
the biggest problem facing feminism today is when I cant find my car. how are we supposed to get anywhere when I dont know where my car is
I love being American. Just the other day I ate half my meal, got even fatter, then threw the rest away because f*ck starving people.
I am going to make a new app that will be like Twitter exclusively for kids! It will be called Sesame Tweet.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? I'm stuck on you.
I like how politicians always address us like we are positive, civic-minded, motivated people. I think we're all a bunch of fat jerks.
Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan... I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything.
BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia... Hold on, lets rephrase that: "Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"
I had heard the rumors of clowns being spotted all over the country... But I honestly didn't believe it until I saw them debate each other on TV.
What do Roman Polanski and Bumblebee Tuna have in common? They both come in little cans.
Knock Knock. Who's there? No, he's on first. **I totally just thought of this, where do I go to collect my money?** *Edit: spelling
What kind of deoderant did the nazis wear? Reich Guard
A friend asked me if every sentence has to include a vegetable I said not nessacelery
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I've learned to hate fun because I want a super buff face.
[chiropractor] Dr., your client Tony is here -Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap Yes -Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you'll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I can't call people Grammar Nazis on social media anymore.... Now I call them the Alt-Write.
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who require closure...
How do you know you're getting old? When you exit a museum, you trigger the alarm.
This morning I saw a lady scraping the ice off her wind shield with her credit card. ..She's not going to make any progress at that rate.
Imagine William Shatner -Knock knock. -Who's there? - Genghis -Genghis who? -KHHHHAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles? Trust me.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
Whars long ha nuts on either sude and has an asshole around the corner The hallway in the mental hospital i just I just escaped
I've been asked to take care of the neighbour's cat. They aren't on holiday - they're just really lazy.
I want to be as annoying as a vegetarian but still eat meat so I'm telling people I only eat chicken. I'm calling myself a "poultrivore".
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They're both en route to uranus to wipe out the klingons
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
If you ever see a troll eat a fairy It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
A feminist asked me what my view was on lesbians I answered 1080p
TIME TO RETIRE Q: WHEN DOES A PROSTITUTE KNOW IT TIME TO RETIRE? A: WHEN SHE CAN NO LONGER HIDE THE STRETCHMARKS AROUND HER LIPS.
Why wasn't Michael Jackson healthy? Artificial colouring.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I'm not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you... Keep saying "LOL" out loud, and you'll die alone. (For Judy in Accounting)
A chemist discovered a revolutionary new compound of technetium, sulfur, helium, and bismuth. It got him tons of BiTcHeS.
Why can't iron oxide get a date? Porque es FeO Little bilingual chemistry joke for you guys.
How did Hitler tie his shoes? In knotsies. (The unfollow button is only a click away)
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you're dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
What's all brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Where does the thick, creamy dressing go when it gets sick? The Mayo Clinic.
What does a gay guy say when he can't remember? I faggot
Excuse miss can you tell me does this rag smell like chloroform?
[at the shooting range] Recruit: Sir, I missed every target. Officer: Perfect. *makes him a stormtrooper*
I'm beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.
Shakespeare walks into a gay bar... [Exit, pursued by a bear]
My goal weight: To not look like a "before" picture.
Race Horse Joke/tongue twister One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
What's the difference between a large pizza and a black man? The large pizza can feed a family of four.
Why shouldn't you have coffee while on the clock? Because that would be "grounds" for termination!
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Just finished watching that Documentary on the invention of the shovel... Ground Breaking Stuff.
Why did the Mexican put hot sauce on his taco? Por flavor
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter. Feminists can't change anything.
Yo Mama so fat she rolled out of bed and  everybody thought there was an earthquake.
My girlfriend told me that my dick is two inches bigger than her ex's. And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship.
My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye." Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Why are Chameleons surprisingly good at flying? Because they are always in duh skies
Malaria kills a child every two seconds in Africa... Somebody should arrest that guy.
What's Donald Trump's favorite dessert? Vladimir Puddin
I didn't think my hangover was that bad, until I spent 10 minutes trying to log into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch.
Your mama so stupid she thought Dick Cheney was a way to keep a man around.
I wonder if John McCain plays with plastic Army men and pretends he's President at home.
Fairy tales My granddaughter asked me, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time?" I said, no, some begin with "If elected, I promise to........................"
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they're just sobbing "thank you"
I walked into a room full of people masturbating They looked surprised when I didn't stop
Why can't midgets run? The grass tickles their balls.
You're a big Internet fan aren't  you? Yes - it's becoming a habit!
Why were the orphans thrown out of the restaunt Because it Was a family restraunt
If gay guys come out of closets... do midgets come out of cabinets?
A brown bear and a polar bear fall into the water. Which one dissolves? The polar bear, because he's polar!
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.
What do you a call a pedophile at church? Father
It's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.
Give a man a fire, warm him for a day... Light a man ON fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.
If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof.... ...would you help your uncle Jack off?
Why did Bruce Jenner wait until age 65 to become a woman? He wanted to avoid menopause.
They put a protective casing over the Vietnam Wall. They're calling it the Maya Lin sheath.
I overcooked some pasta earlier - it got all soggy and mushy. Making the best of a bad situation, I put it in a mug and tried to down it. I soon gave up though - it was an act of *Fusilli Tea*.
Why can you call a liberal a leftist but can't call a conservative a rightist? Because they're always the wrongest.
What do you call a botched circumcision? A total rip-off.
Why was Germany in debt after WWII? The gas bill was too high.
Conspiracy theories are like moon landings. They're all fake
What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common? They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.
Listen, I'll let you borrow any Disney movie I've got except for one. I'm never gonna give you Zootopia. I'm a fucking furry. *Gotcha!*
I think my wife is overdoing her lent observance. She won't even toss my salad.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Feminists don't change anything.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
People of North Korea: Please stop asking Siri where the food is.
What do you call a social studies class that got burnt down? History
There is a new rapper who is rapping for feminism. People call him feminem
Lunch Me and the girlfriend went out for lunch today. Money is a bit tight so after the meal she said "lets go Dutch". I said "Fook that lets go Greek" and we both legged it
If I had 9 lives I'd stick my butthole in your face too.
How do you make Obama's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in his ear.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a dog.
What do you call a bomb in a French kitchen. Linoleum blown apart.
I can't stand fake people. Unless you're with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop. Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Boss: Can you look this up? Me: (munching on donut) Internet's closed. Boss: Oh. Me: Yeah, I think they're vacuuming it or something.
Why LOTR is a metaphor for life. Man puts ring on finger, slowly goes insane!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
What do you call a bee from the wrong side of town? A bumblegee
Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.
What do diapers and Politicians have in common? They both need changing regularly - for exactly the same reason.
Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: "So whose funeral is it?" I told him I haven decided yet.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don't worry she's dead now
Why does Trump hate McCain so much? He heard McCain stayed in a Hilton for 5 years.
How to make someone disappear from your life forever. Ask them to pay you back.
Anyone: I'm cold Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I'm not your mother Dog: *shivers once* Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
What do you call a dog with a 7 inch boner? Your sex life.
Why can't Chuck Norris complete forms and applications on the internet? Because he can't bring himself to click the "submit" button.
Hear about the constipated mathematician? Worked his logs out with a pencil.
Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
I want to give a shout out to liver thanks buddy for keeping all those bad influences out of my life
My best joke today is.... r/news sub count. Literally just go there and press f5
How do you make a chicken salad? Make a salad and give it to a chicken.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. WHOA. WHOA. Whoa. WHOA! WHOOOOOOOOOA! This horse is an idiot.
Can I ask you a self-referential question?
What do you do if you enter a room and a clown is having a stroke? Close the door and go to /r/Eyebleach.
The day you introduce your mom to Chuck Norris, is the day you mom introduces you to your biological father.
One day Ajay was feeling happy. Suddenly happy slapped Ajay.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the manager
what's the worst part about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
I hate it when I'm at someone's party and they keep asking stupid questions like... "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
Just made sweet love to a juicy steak. Being escorted out of the restaurant now.
Look, all I'm saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
I tried to get my mom to switch from AMD to Intel... ...but I couldn't Celeron it.
Did you hear about that baby boy that was born with no eyelids? The doctors actually used his foreskin from circumcision to construct his eyelids. He's OK, but just a little cock-eyed.
How do you make Obama's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in his ears
Dad how it feels to have a awesome son? Dad: Ask your grandma.
(x-post from /r/lotr) How many Nazgul does it take to kill a hobbit? Ten.
Joke of the Month What do you say when people tell you June is already over?
Knock knock. Little boy blue.
I'm AMAZED by mythology. I'll tell you about my favorite tales... if you have a minotaur two. (amazed... get it?)
Why are liars so lazy? Because they are always lying in bed!
What's the best thing about ISIS jokes? ...The execution
The other day I was mocking my wife, "Why do you wear a bra? You've got nothing to put in it."...... Fucking bitch replied, "You wear briefs, don't you?"
Is sure that at a certain point, you are going to need to come to terms with your retardation.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball..... .... She gagged! haha my favorite joke ever
Don't over-share. Don't over-share. Don't over-share. Don't over-share. Don't over-share. HI I'M A NERVOUS POOPER. ... Nailed it!
Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby?
What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce? Chicken Caesar Salad
What is a mathematicians favorite Eagles song? Take it to the limit. RIP Glenn Frey
My neighbors thought the tombstones in my yard were festive until they saw their pets' names scrawled on them.
I lost a pop quiz last night. The question was: where do women mostly have curly hair? The correct answer is "Africa". You have a very dirty mind!
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry. I just sit there, shaking my fist.
What's the capital of Canada? Tim Hortons.
Why did the chicken cross the road with a knife? Because it saw Lena Dunham on the other side.
I found a way that will get you naked in seconds It'll knock your socks off
Why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you..........Bad Breath
Did you hear about the whistle-blower who couldn't make it home for Christmas? He was Snowden.
How do you confuse an idiot? To get to the other side!
What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? A boy scout comes home from camp.
What do you call a pair of stubborn testicles? A refuse sack.
A public restroom I was in had a sign that said "Flush toilet paper only" and I just thought Well, shit
How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend? Marriage, you wanna?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I love you -My Dad
The first rule of elevator club is don't talk to other members of elevator club.
NSFW Your dick's like Mt. Everest... It's hard to get up.
Knock Knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? I though you'd never forget.
Advertising for a babysitter Apparently, saying I prefer the babysitter not have a gag reflex isn't as appropriate as it seemed when I wrote the ad.
Q: What's gray and comes in pints? A: An elephant.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my cock in your ass
What do you get when you drop a piano on a toddler? A flat minor
Caterpillars: Neither cats NOR pillars.
I don't know what to think of mountain-climbing. It has it's ups and downs.
I'm not saying it's a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I'm saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I've seen this movie....
What's up? Up is the Y-axis relative vertical direction opposed to down.
My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed...
What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed? Getting off early
What do you give a girl who already has everything? Antibiotics
What's the problem with leptokurtic data sets? They tend to be mean.
What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten
I burned my hand on the stove. On the bright side, now I have a black girlfriend.
How do you get a hippie pregnant? Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
 Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
This Joke is so Top Secret... Iii iiiiiiiii ii Iiii Iiii Ii Ii Ii III. The punchline is Eyes Only
[at seance] Me: If you truly are a ghost why don't you move this object Ghost: If you truly are a human why don't you get your shit together
How can you tell if a girl is a lesbian? Look really closely at her tongue.... If it's in another girls vagina, she's a lesbian
What's the difference between a Terrorist training camp and a Pakistani kindergarten? Shit I dunno, I just fly the drone.
What did the barfly say to the other barfly? I saved you a stool.
What's the difference between YouTube and Redtube? My YouTube experience lasts longer than 10 seconds.
"Why is it that whenever there's two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?"
What do you call a dog with no legs? Cigarette, and you take him for a drag.
Trick people into thinking you're a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
How are Polish Girls like Hockey Players? They both change pads after 3 periods
I like my coffee like I like my Slaves... Free
I got Rear-ended in traffic the other day... Thank goodness I wasn't in my car.
Ever wonder why You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery.
Instructions: 1. Watch every breath someone takes 2. Watch every move someone makes 3. Watch every bond someone breaks 4. Log off Facebook
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
The indecisive rower... ...couldn't choose either oar.
What do you call a natural blonde who dies her hair? Artificial intelligence.
Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business? She told people to stop patronizing her.
How Do You Kill An Anorexic? Tell Her To Lose Just One More Pound And She'll Be Beautiful.
What is a spaceman's favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
I asked this woman if shed join the membership gnomesayin
What do churches and guns have in common? They both go PEW PEW PEW
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
You know what George Bush and Floyd Mayweather have in common? W.
I met a guy with 5 penises... His pants fit him like a glove.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
I need to stop asking strangers if they're ticklish, and just start tickling them.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side. Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!
Just changed someone's "fun" name in my phone back to their normal name to regain some control over my life.
A little boy has diarrhea... Mom: What the hell do you need Viagra for? Boy: Isn't that what you give to Dad when his shit doesn't get hard?
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side!
A magic tractor turns into a field... ...think about it...
Of course my clothes are on the floor. I'm a guy, that's where I hang them.
A Jewish boy asks his dad for 50 dollars ... His dad says , "40 DOLLARS?! WHAT DO YOU NEED 30 DOLLARS FOR?!"
If God wanted you in church all morning, why did he invent fun?
Girl, are you an iron-bearing ore? Because when I smelt you, I got taken to a whole other level of civilization..
What do you get if you cross a spider and an  elephant ? I'm not sure but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses !
I just bought a piano off the TV. It came from the Chopin Channel.
I used to work at an orange juice company But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
My friend is anti-semantic... He never writes anymore edit: (semantic refers to words for those who don't get it.)
How long does it take for a woman to have an orgasm? Who cares?
What is the Easter Bunny's favourite kind of story? A cotton tale!
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Why do clouds make good Kings? Because they have rain over every country in the world.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
*answers a bagel like a phone* i'm just in a meeting right now i'll call you back
Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets
I don't need stress management, I just need less stress to manage.
Why would anyone want to remove their laser hair?
Jared Fogle likes his subs the way he likes his women... 6 to 12
What did the Buddhist get for Christmas? Presence.
I don't believe in most conspiracies....but 7-11 IS an inside job.
met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen
I decided to give away all of my old batteries Free of charge
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
What do terrorists eat? Allah snack bar. They say its the bomb!
[In elevator] Penguin: what floor do you want? Man: 5th please. *penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*
If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower how did the barbers arrive? On clipper ships.
What's the turnover rate for pornstars? 100%
What is a guy with multi-tasking called? Husband.
I left my chamomile tea steeping for too long and it turned into the new Coldplay album.
I was having sex with this girl last night and she kept screaming the wrong name all night. I wonder who tape is...
My Somali Girfriend's nickname is 747... Because her blackbox can take a hell of a pounding.
PSA: Always tip your prostitutes. Small tips are fine. That's what they get paid for.
I'm smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
How does Alabama keep alcohol out of high school? Change the drinking age to 25
what's the difference between reddit and 9gag? A week
Sex is one of the most wholesome, natural things... that money can buy. -Homeless man quoting Steve Martin.
How many dead hookers does it take to fill up a garage I know it isn't 37
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. That's because elephants never forget.
I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly. I just stood there looking like a cunt.
"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."  Plato,
I can't believe they legalized gay marriage. What's Next women's rights?
What do you call people who use sandpaper to remove any evidence that Ernie and Bert are gay lovers? Bernie Sanders.
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it  take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic.
What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and an elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall
I went for a job interview today... The interviewer said to me, What would you say your greatest weakness is? I said, I think Id have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.
TIL that in the PC version of GTA V there's a new keyboard shortcut which when you press it will cause your character to kill minorities Alt+Right
Put the punchline in the title. How do you ruin a good joke?
If someone casts me in a live musical I promise to go off book and start talking about 9/11
Star Wars Force Awakens joke Im Seriously concerned about new star wars. If this continues, Well then im very interested, How will the Rey with her training, run with Old Skywalker on her back
A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, "taking a selfie."
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death? Isaac newton died a virgin
What do you do if you see your stepmother hobbling around in the backyard? Reload.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower. He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
What happens when your scrotum touches the edge of the toilet bowl? Ebowla.
What does a Miami Heat fan do when his team wins the NBA Finals? He turns off the video game system.
Hey what do you call a bunch of scaredy cows? cowherds. xD
Q: Why do fish live in saltwater? A: Pepper makes them sneeze.
If Hooters had delivery, would they be called knockers?
What's the difference between a 13 year old girl and a cow? No really, what's the difference? I accidentally mixed up all the meat in my freezer.
What do you call an autistic stoner? A baked potato
ME: Leave me alone! You're not my real dad! CRAWDAD: [patiently] I am doing my best to raise you on my own. Now eat your plankton.
Sport Fishermen Are all about that bass
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
"son, I've had to throw my golf socks out" "Why dad? cos you got... A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA" "No son. I killed a man. They're covered in blood"
The tabloids would have a field day if Billy Joel ever actually started a fire.
I have an asian friend who always points out the obvious things I call him obvious lee
Did you know that a famous DJ has a dirty fetish? Because there is an Armin van Buuren
I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years. Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
It's weird how after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together the King's men were like "Let's give the horses a shot at it"
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing "the robot" in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards of boats If they fell forwards they would be on the boat
Why do women close their eyes during sex? They don't want to see men having a good time
Why is it called a wonderbra? Because when its opened you wonder where are the boobs
A Hispanic, African-American, Jewish, Native American, and Asian man were walking down the street. They were part of a parade that celebrated racial equality.
How is food purchased an an Irish grocery? You buy it per-tater
Before Twitter there was Facebook, before Facebook there was MySpace and before that I had a life.
PLATO: I'm famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph-- It's for relationships where nobody's getting laid
A ghost from last century left a YellowBook at my door like the Internet never happened.
$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek" " Together We can stop this shit"
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
What is a Mexicans Favorite book? TE-QUILA MOCKINGBIRD!
I asked an Australian to greet me... He kept beating around the bush saying "I might".
What do you get when you put a bunch of roosters into a compactor? A cock block!
What do you call a destroyed bomb shelter in Poland? A helter-skelter Hitler shelter.
Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars? So they can drive with the handcuffs on.
When I was young I was worried about getting food stuck in my teeth. Now I'm worried about getting my teeth stuck in food.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Octopus - 8 arms "Yes" Octagon - 8 sides "Yes" Octuplets - 8 babies "Yes" October - 8th month "No" I'm burning this world down
How do you call a dog with no legs ? You don't call it, you pick it up.
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says:, Sorry, but we don't serve minors.
It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?
I want to buy the most elevated premium male deer, but it doesn't need to have the highest prize stag.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!
What's the wrong way to feed the cat? to the dog.
I used to be addicted to frozen sandwiches But I decided to go cold turkey.
When I was child we had to look things up in dictionary or encyclopedia, uphill both ways in the snow
Sometimes I put my head between my legs and fall forward. Thats how I roll.
I'm not a fan of Nascar... I believe in equal rights.
EU wants to congratulate US for their free healthcare.. .. because you did vote for Bernie didn't you?
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run away too if your name was Mweauuuuuaoooeeo
A man walked into a chiropodists and put his d**k on the table...The chiropodist said "That's not a foot "....and the man said "I know, but it's not far off!"
Can someone help me find some videos of Al Gore dancing? I'm trying to solve a Rubik's cube and a friend told me that using Al Gore Rhythms could help.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it's the donut.
Mommy mommy why do I keep running around in circles? "Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the floor." In the 80s, my mother thought this was hilarious.
How did Hitler like to have his juice in the morning? 100% concentrated.
[Morgue] Cop: Sir, I know it's tough but we need you to ID the body Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Areare you over 21?
Helen Keller walks into a bar.... And a table.....then some chairs...
What do men with big dicks eat for breakfast? If you had one you would know.
Men are like curling irons.  They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
There are 10 kinds of people... Those who know binary and those who dont.
Why can't bicycles stand on their own? They are two tired.
How are vegans okay with drinking water? They can't eat meat, but they can just destroy a fish's home for a glass of water?
my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal
I saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.
Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music? They both ain't got the same Seoul.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breath through something so small?"
Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one? If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop
robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers robber 2: huh? robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*
Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point!
I hope Death is a woman.... That way it will never come for me.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults. How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs
"LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!"
Adult films are lame. There's nothing about choosing insurance or retirement planning; it's all just a bunch of naked hugging.
Just got back from Germany... and let me tell ya, their meat is the Wurst.
Whats the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeves
What's your best mattress joke? Trying to win a new mattress in a contest and I need a clean mattress joke to win (dumb, I know)
11 was a race horse 11 was 12 11 1 1 race 12 1 1 2
Wanna hear a joke about cats? I'm just kitten..
Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage. He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.
iPhone, if you correct "harass" to "caress" one more time you'll be held responsible for this generation's sex offenders.
Knock knock "Who's there?" "Dejav" "Dejav who?" Knock knock
Just looked at the bottom of this can of whoopass. It's expired.
"I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over" - guy who invented the accordion
What's the difference between a male and a female? (Just hear me out.) Iron.
Why did Vanilla Ice steal a can of hair spray? Because the label said, "Contents Under Pressure" Got this joke from my brother :D
What did the upset horse use to row his boat? A saddle.
Left handed people in the past. Why did people back in the day not accept left handed people? Because it wasn't right. I'm sorry bye.
I watched my neighbor get evicted the other day... ...It was a moving experience.
What do you get when you cross a firecracker and a duck? A firequacker.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else's, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Why Do Sorority Girls Travel In Packs Of 1, 3, 5 or 7? Because they can't even.
Just saw the hood of my jacket out of the corner of my eye and jumped out of the way, in case the Navy SEALS are hiring.
TIFU by hiring a footlong sandwich as a replacement teacher. Oops, wrong sub.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I'm behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My prediction for the fight. I predict Mayweather with a massive right hook and an uppercut to finish it. Then once he's done practicing on his girlfriend, he will lose on points to Manny.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently not 3, because my basement is still dark.
Agoraphobia I didn't go to my Agoraphobics Anonymous meeting today, obviously.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Did you hear about the guy that ran into a window? He was in a lot of pane.
Someone just told me "if you don't believe in Santa Claus, he'll never visit!" So on that note, I no longer believe in cancer.
What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle? Octopus Prime.
Doctor Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me. Next please!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything. ;)
Why is the story of Jesus the longest porn in history? Because 2000 years after he rose again, everyone is still waiting for the second coming.
What do you call two gay guys in a sleeping bag? A fruit roll-up
Why did the cheeseburger fight the veggie burger? It had beef.
Coworker: GOOD MORNING! Me: Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee Coworker: But you don't drink coffee Me: Exactly
What's the difference between a zoo in Louisiana and a zoo anywhere else? In Louisiana, next to the plaque with the animal's name, they've got a good recipe.
Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.
What are green and smell like pork? Kermit's fingers
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Teacher: Are you good at math ? Pupil: Yes and no Teacher: What do you mean ? Pupil: Yes I'm no good at math !
Why was the shirt smelly? Because it was a heavy sweater!
Why did the Indian cross the road? To buy chikken tikka masala!
What do you call a cannibal who eats quadriplegics? Vegetarians.
A guy asked me what I was doing in the wardrobe. I told him, 'Narnia Business'.
My wife has been really cold to me lately. Ever since she passed away.
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone
I thought air was free my whole life until I bought a bag of chips.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws [Legs move wildly] THAT'S IT I'M WAKING HIM "No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie."
Q: What did one tomato say to the other? A: Catch up.
Hey gurl are you an integral? Because I'd gladly replace my x with u.
So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.
What's a gay-bar pickup line? Can I push your stool in?
I'm going on an all breadcrumb diet because I've never seen a duck with a double chin.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory] "O,P... (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E." Judges? (Opossum judges whispering for a bit) Correct.
I have no idea where all these trebuchet jokes came from then it hit me from 300 meters away.
Who needs drugs or alcohol when you've got a carbon monoxide leak?
Lust. Love. Marriage. LUST: Tearing her panties off. LOVE: Sliding them down, gently. MARRIAGE: Folding them regularly.
Which dances do the burgers do best? The burger-loo and the char char!
A Spanish magician says he can make himself disappear on the count of 3 Uno, dos... Suddenly the magician disappears without a tres.
Buying In Bulk In theory: Oh good, I'll have enough chips to last all month In reality: I'm gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
If you're wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
What is the internal temperature of a Taunton? Luke warm.
Beyonce's birthday list: 1) The (former) planet Pluto 2) Maybach factory 3) The Taj Mahal 4) Lost city of Atlantis 5) Facebook
muffins So there were these two muffins. They go into the oven and one muffin says to the other "is it hot in here or is it just me?" The other muffin says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"
A novice asked his zen master if it's ok for Buddhists to use email. The master answered: "Yes. But no attachments."
My 5 year old has a filthy mouth. His favorite book is Winnie the Shit.
How do you lower the United State's debt problem? Elect a female president.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anthea ! Anthea who ? Anthea get home by 8 O'clock or else !
Global Wobbling now causes constipation http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2whgsnc&amp;s=8#.VCJrcPldWQg
What did the french food critic say when he was given a savoury pancake? "It's crepe"
Knock Knock. Who's there? *long pause* ding-dong ditch.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
Who takes the best selfies in LA? I need someone good to do mine.
It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Why was the dog shaking? He had Barkinson's
[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf] SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN'T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT'S WHERE I EAT!!!
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Dad Joins Facebook DAD: Joined facebook Kids Status Update: DAD on facebook WTF!! DAD Commented: What is WTF? Kid Replied To Him: WELCOME TO FACEBOOK
Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again? That's funny Mom. I can't remember either.
What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ? The Loch Ness Elephant !
[sees woman reading] "Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz."
I'm not sure where Heisenberg is... But I know he's not with Pauli.
What's the capital of Greece? Right now about $2.55 AUD.
Isn't America great! People shouting USA! At sporting events or after a disaster and we bond together. Or at home depot where its like I'll take you essay and you essay and you essay over there.
I'm having trouble discerning my Twitter voice from my professional one. I just said "What's up, slut?" to our receptionist. Frigid bitch.
Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of  China when it was just ok
Why did the pirate's rap song become such a hit? The bass was pegged, his hook was just right, and it made all the girls shake they booty.
Why did the seamen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong pair of socks this morning.
How do you circumcise a redneck? It's quite simple, really. You kick his sister in the jaw.
What's the difference between a hippy chick and a hockey chick? A hockey chick showers every 3 periods.
Did you hear about the Spaniard who was obsessed with Greek Mythology? I said to him, "Jesus?" and he replied, "Where's Zeus?"
My friend told me he hasn't pooped in over a month, but I'm not sure I believe him... ...either way he's full of shit.
what do we want LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES when do we want them NNNNEEOOOW
The worst moment for an insomniac is that flutter of realisation that you are falling asleep, which smacks you wide awake again.
Can someone come to my house and tie me to my toilet? I keep falling off. I shit, you knot.
MC stands for both Medical Certificate and Mic Controller and they both give you License to Ill
A Jewish kid asks his father for 20 dollars.... The father says "10 dollars! What do you need 5 dollars for?"
The philosopher says the glass is half empty, the optimist says the glass is half full.... The sjw says the glass is half-fluid.
Why did the chicken love Campbell's Soup? Because his family had stock in the company.
I got stopped outside the pharmacy today, by a woman holding a clipboard. "What products do you use for grooming?" she asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"
Did you hear about the football offensive coordinator who was republican? He was a conservative playcaller.
i bet white supremacists just get off on the charcoal briquettes turning white.
I love telling dead baby jokes... They just never get old!
What has 16 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A sleepover at Michael Jacksons house
What's the best part about having sex with ninety-nine year olds? There's ninety of 'em.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
A fun prank to pull on a neighbor is to introduce a species of invasive grass into his lawn.
Next season on Game of Thrones they're actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.
The other day someone said my clothes looked gay... I told them they got out of the closet just this morning.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
What is the biggest similarity between the average Redditor and a lumberjack? They both sleep all night and whack all day!
Why did Hitler shoot himself? He saw his gas bill!
If Bernie doesn't get the nomination, I'm voting Trump... Also, if McDonalds is out of Chicken Nuggets, I'm going to eat 20 scorpions.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never 'accidentally' hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
How do you know a stranger could be an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.
I nicknamed my girlfriend Christmas She only comes once a year.
A black man, a Mexican, a Muslim and a hillbilly are all playing Russian Roulette together. Who is guaranteed to win? Society.
Yet another Chuck Norris joke. Chuck Norris caught all the Pokemon using a payphone.
I think, therefore I am. I shrink, therefore I swam.
I've always had a problem finishing what I've started...
I was having sex with my sister in Alabama... She said: "you fuck like dad does!" I said: "I know, mom told me so."
"You'll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have." -Maya Angelou
I hate Russian dolls They're so full of themselves.
Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn't use a private email server.
My Girlfriend told me she had an STD Gonorrhoea-valuate our relationship now.
A Mexican Magician says he will disappear on the count of three... He starts counting "uno... dos.." and *poof* he disappeared without a tres.
When I was born I was so surprised ... I didn't talk for a year and a half.
By now, I'm pretty sure Scott Weiland was right. He's half the man he used to be.
Sometimes programming gets dirty... holes[h].insert(new Objects.ConcretePillar(),  new Vec2());
I hope to one day ride in a crowded elevator and make knowing eye contact with the man sent to kill me.
My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.
A man woke up in a hospital. After a serious accident he shouted out, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, I know you can't I've cut off your arms!
Cure for AIDS Doctor : Eat lots of raw peppers, and spicy food. Patient : How will that cure my AIDS? Doctor: It won't, but now you know what your asshole is for.
Imagine being so rich you could afford the other monocle.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!
Rappers be like "I'm killing them snitches, smackin dem bitches, smokin blunts n fucking hoes!"**Wins award** Rapper: "I just wanna thank God"
What are your best/favorite anti-jokes?
I called my boss this morning and told him i was sick. "Just how sick are you?" he said. "well im in bed with my little sister, is that sick enough"
I don't use the car horn much but I will frown harshly at bad drivers and I'm pretty sure it fucks up their day.
Did you hear about the tree's birthday?  It was a sappy one!
What's the difference between Olive Garden and Reddit? At Olive Garden the servers actually work.
There 2 types of people in this world, Those who can count and those who can't. I guess i can count
If you think marijuana doesn't kill you've obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.
[shipwreck diary] Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I don't wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Why couldn't Marco Rubio register on a web forum? The website required him to prove that he is not a robot.
How do you fit 100 babies into a cup? A blender. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Why are these Facebook status updates so much more interesting than usual? Oh, because this isn't Facebook - it's a mattress label. My bad.
A man's wife and his lawyer are drowning, and he must make a choice; so, he chooses to go to the movies. The end. just heard this on *Mad Men* btw
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
So I told my secretary.... to go buy me a fighting stick, but the best he could find was a walking stick. Honestly you can't get the staff.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "Dry?" The German replies, "Nein, just one."
According to NASA scientists, black holes were created using The Space Shovel
I wonder what Twitter employees do at work to waste time
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I'm like I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
A man enters a store and asks for a color printer, the cashier asks "What color?"
Do girls in Asia get tattoos in English on their backs?
Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like "we should pregame this food w more food" and I think that's really beautiful
DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence, DVD Rip.
Here's a handy trick. When people are talking to you, nod and think about other stuff.
If I had a dollar for everytime I said something vague... ...I'd have some money
Valentine's Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.
On a scale of 1 to 100 how immature are you? 69
These gay jokes have got to stop Cum on guys
The Boy Scouts came up with the strongest knot in the world... You just leave a pair of earbuds in your pocket while you're hiking.
What do you call a pile of kittens? A Meow-tain
Geppetto: I wish you were a real boy Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around* Geppetto: yay! [3 hrs later] Geppetto: This was a mistake
Two shoes met and.. They had a converse-ation.
What do you call a gay dentist? A tooth fairy
My neighbours listen to awesome music. Wether they like it or not!
What did the gallon of pasteurized milk say to the other? "No homo."
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face... <--Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush) Scientist 1: This thing sucks Scientist 2: Yeah! S1: It's hogging all the hedges! S2: Wait.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears "you're too big for this ride, sir"
Spain at the 2014 World Cup
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child... ...while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why do babies cry when they're born? Because it's the most painful day in their lives
How does NASA organize a party? They planet. Sorry.
What do you call Israelis that overly spray tan? Orange Jews!
In retrospect; being a fat girl, bringing a black & white swimsuit to a water park 2 weeks after a killer whale attack, was a horrible idea.
I never take a stab in the dark. I like to see what I'm stabbing.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and say sorry!
Is the dog ending in Silent Hill 2 an easter egg? Or is it actually canine in the storyline?
What do a communist and a nihilist have in common? It's all the same to them
Trump winning the election I did nazi that coming
Every Canadian child goes to sleep with a plush toy of the current Prime Minister to keep them safe. Justin Trudeau was elected because Stephen Harper was scaring the children.
A bunch of us in a car just ran over a clown... ... tragic sure but soon we can look back and laugh.
A gang of nefarious thieves walk into a bar. "Ouch," they said.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the "Fresh Prints".
Going to an event tonight and wearing a tuxedo. A real tux, not one of those cheapo ones. Seriously, this thing is made with actual penguin.
What did the astrophysicist say to the quark? You matter.
Stacy wanted to keep our relationship professional That's when I knew she was a prostitute.
Why is the number of black priests so small? Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
Did you know having children is hereditary? If your parents don't have them, neither will you.
Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in. Silver yells " au, get outta here! "
A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport... ... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".
I asked my girlfriend if she could wake me up with oral sex. I woke up to her sitting on my face.
What's big, red, and eats rocks? A big red rock eater.
Ph.D students should not eat apples... Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
What do the morbidly obese and podophiliacs have in common? [NSFW] They can only get off with their feet.
a golfer stabbed a Mexican the other day.... it was a hole in Juan
dude are you biting your nails i thought you were vegan
Descartes walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "can I get you a drink" to which Descartes replies, "I think not" and *poof* Descartes disappears.
Blacks the best colour to wear to a funeral isn't it? Just thinking which rollerblades to wear.
Reception Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding sucked! But, the reception was AWESOME!
Is as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Relative's be like Them: What's your age ? Me: I'm 20 Them: Oh, when i was your age i was 21
Why do gay pirates always fight each other? They are always trying to get to the others booty
What is the difference between a cheap whore and an expensive whore? One is your mom; the other one gets paid more.
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
"haha one time we turned a cpr training dummy into a bong" yes doctor but how is our son *leans in close* "you had to light its weiner"
"I hate karaoke." "It's pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh." "Now, I hate you too."
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? pt 2 A boomer-WRONG!
Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues? Because he had a stinking cold!
Me: I've invested heavily in hedgehog funds. You: I think you mean hedge funds. *opens door to roomful of hedgehogs* Me: Nope.
What's good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust
Treating testicular cancer.. takes balls.
No one is perfect. Everyone's Ass has a crack in it.
Today my parents told me to either move out or get a fucking job. So I became a prostitute.
What is a condom with a hole? Kinder Surprise
What does a ghost drink? Boo's.
I asked my grandma to get naked. It's my favourite juice drink.
My sister married a black man He's a lawyer. So now I have a brother in law.
Did you hear that they're bringing back Pimp My Ride? It's called Uber.
Hipster fire department unable to make building cool.
I wonder how long it took Lincoln to decide that just saying "87 years" wasn't nearly hip enough.
Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?
what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
The kids were really suprised when I put ginger in their curry... ...they really *did* love that cat. &gt; Stolen from a recent episode of *Match Of The Day*
I genuinely don't remember making you all this stupid.
grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road
I used to be married to a girl with a wooden leg. But then I broke it off.
What do you call two ants running away? Antelope!
Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?
I know it's normal to be naked in front of your doctor, but I still get really self-conscious every time I go to the optometrist
My mother told me "When god closes a door, he opens a window." I told her, he better shut that damn window too. It's 96 Degrees outside and he's letting my cold air out.
Please, I can't handle any plays on words tonight. I just had an appundectomy.
A man told his friend: "After 12 years of... ...therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'"
What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture
In regards to Caitlyn Jenner's car accident I guess you could call it vehicular translaughter.
You're like cheese I laugh when I cut you! Edit: First post on Reddit? Why not start with a cheesy joke?
The worst thing about censorship is ??????????????
Eng: you should wear the leather's jacket... Espan: ponte la chamarra de cuerro... Eng: so Leather died of the cold... Espan: y Cuerro murio de frio.
How does Bono spell color? With or without "u"
Why are prison escapees so frustrating? Because they never finish their s
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out? ME: Sure *throws them out window* WIFE: Did you- ME: If they're meant to come, they'll come.
I like my women like I like my scotch... Twelve years old and mixed with coke.
Waana hear a joke? Women's Rights.
What do you have when lounge chairs multiply? - Baby Sitters. Two chaise... - that's Sofa King Funny!!
What do you call a deer with no eyes that isn't moving? Still no idea.
A little kid came up to me and said... "I have two mommies." "Really?", I said. "Your parents are lesbians?" "No, my mom's just a schizophrenic."
LPT: To baby-proof your home: put your front doorknob like 4 feet off the ground so the babies can't reach it. Then those fuckers won't get in!
What did the fish say when it rammed into a wall? Dam!
Noting that it's Friday AND my Cake Day so if you could.... go ahead and come in on Saturday that'd be great....mmmkay thannnks
Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made him an offer he couldn't understand.
For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act It was a stage he was going through
Now where do you get off &gt;:( I'm the bus driver, I need to know
What do they call Reddit in France? Ribbit
What I hated about church as a kid was.. all the standing up, and sitting, and the knelling I had to do. I just wish the priest would pick a position and fuck me already.
A Rolex is just an expensive way to let everyone know you don't know how to check the time on your phone.
How far can a rabbit run into the woods?  Halfway. After that she's running out of the woods.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
most offensive jokes I want to hear the most offensive jokes you have ever heard or told. Send that shit in. Because I loves me some offensive jokes.
What's the most-clicked link on the Alzheimer's support website? Forgot Your Password?
Did you know that 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old girl with a fat ass.
Love is not the number of times you kissed her, but the number of moments you were dying to kiss her.
Are those against upgrading to OSX Yosemite... Anti-Yosemites?
Today my dad told me that he quit his car vacuuming job after the first day. He said it was a sucky job
YOU make some noise. You're the one with the band and the microphone.
Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.
Playing Pokemon Go is like having sex with a cheap hooker... ..You never know what you're going to catch.
From Predator 2 "The doctor says, 'I need a semen, stool and urine sample.' I say, 'Gee, doc, I'm in a big hurry, can I just leave my underwear?' "
Whats the difference between a wife and a job? After ten years the job still sucks.
It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says "You're fired" every time he launches a nuke.
Do you want to examine a whole colon? ;;
If you love something, set a cheese trap. If you catch it, it's a mouse. Why are you in love with a mouse?
My wife gives incredible head aches...
It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Don't say "tits." It's crass and disrespectful. Instead, say "lady tits."
Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery? Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something.
Grandma: 'And that's how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home' Me: 'So you haven't seen my scarf?'
What do you call a group of poor homeless people that show up to a party? Party paupers
"The book was way better" - hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
If we allowed all banned substances - just think about how exciting sports would be
I bought a winter jacket at Urban Outfitters last August I got a really good deal because I bought it before it was cool.
My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer. Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!
All Lives Matter ...until you multiply them by the speed of light squared. Then all lives energy.
Where would you take a ghost for lunch?  Pizza Haunt!
What three streets in Chicago rhyme with vagina? Paulina, Melvina and Lunt.
What do you call an alligator that wears a vest? An Investigator
If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.
Failed my Politics exam. "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world". Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
Knock Knock Who's there? An interrupting black woman. An interrupting black- MMMMMMMHMMMMMMM
My dad said this at his retirement... he is a former principal "I remember a time when Harass was two words.
Why did D.R.E. call his headphones Beats? He named them after his favorite father-son activity.
October's cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won't even acknowledge it.
Adele has confirmed that her new album will be called 25... Not for her current age, but for the number of snickers bars she had for breakfast
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
What did the urologist say to his patient who forgot to take his medication? Urine trouble!
The toilet bowl tells the bathtub... "I've seen more ass than you ever had". The Bathtub replied "Yeah, but at least I don't take shit from everybody".
What do you give a sick snake ? Asp-rin !
GOD: Eyelashes ANGEL: What do they do? GOD: Protect eyes ANGEL: And? GOD: Get into people's eyes. It's extremely painful. ANGEL: Are you ok?
What is Hitler's favorite thing to eat? Not seafood.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn't die, you have a dragon.
Nothing's Ever Right by Mona Lott
If at first you don't succeed.. .. skydiving probably isn't for you anyway.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And then a staircase. I don't think hes alright, can someone get a doctor?
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell. She's got a grenade in her mouth.
Q: Whats the difference between a 90s woman and a - computer? A: A 90s woman won't accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
What do you call the girls who outrun me? Virgins.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Is it racist if a guy with a small dick calls it his ding dong?
Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.
Knock Knock Who's there? Ah Ah who? God bless you
Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.
What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other unemployed cancer cell? Let's get Jobs. Found in the comments of a /r/til post by /u/laurelwraith
Two girls are playing in a sandbox One girl says: "My daddy's penis is this big" and holds her hands 8" apart. The asian girl replies: "My daddy's penis is only half that size. It still hurts."
*peeks under bathroom stall* How's the wifi signal in there?
Friends with an ex? I don't even want to be friends with my friends.
What's the difference between Twitter and Game of Thrones? Twitter only allows 140 characters.
You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
"im a growing boy" i announce loudly as i push my way to the front of the buffet line at golden corral
Resuming Windows... Resuming Windows is like going back to sex after being interrupted. It doesn't feel the same and you end up restarting.
Apparently, occupants aren't 8 legged pants for octopi
[dj voice] "What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?" [dads in unison] DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Anti-Jokes So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."
Where can you find lubricant in the library? In the non-friction section.
I usually read this subreddit on a toilet,... ...so that I dont shit my pants.
Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.
Knock knock Who's there? YOUR MOM'S VAGINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Check this one out: 1
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Montreal? Smoked Meat Every Day.
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.. .. but John came fifth and won a toaster
How do zombies celebrate Halloween? They paint the town dead!
you know your boobs are too damn big if the dog is stepping on them.
A rouge English cavalier from the Middle Ages is magically sent into the future to depose Thailand's most ruthless dictator. One knight in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.
A Chinese man goes to the eye doctor And the doctor says "you have a cataract" The Chinese man replys "no I have a Rinkin continental" Stolen from Gilbert Gottfried.
What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.
Mechanical engineers They're not rocket scientists but they are sprocket scientists.
People in my office have this strange habit of naming their food... Yesterday, I had a sandwich named "Michael".
What do a baby and a martini have in common? I prefer both of them shaken
[getting out of prison after 10 years] GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Can I seriously not read Dr. Seuss books for free online? Very well. To my local library it is. #FreeVideosOfChicksEatingPooButNotFreeBooks?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
You know something bad's gonna happen in a Law & Order when the electric guitar kicks in
What do you call a potato that thinks he is in charge? A Dictator
The year is 1981. Everybody's working for the weekend. 2044: the weekend becomes sentient. 2048: Everybody's working for the weekend.
If my guitar weeped, gently or otherwise, the song I'd write would be called, "Holy Shit, My Fucking Guitar Is Weeping."
50 cent filed for bankruptcy... That makes no cents.
A new, funny, original joke that isn't a repost.
Why was the nose running? Cuz it's a running nose
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers
If my dick was a dude... He would prefer the term little person
I just lost 130 pounds of useless fat, that was sucking the life out of me I got a divorce
So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust... I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting. Except Gary. Gary was in your house going through your underwear drawer. He also kissed your cat.
I could tell you a Chemistry joke .....but I probably wouldn't get much of a reaction
Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I'm forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I was going to participate in a competition to see how many times I could throw a rock on the water... But I skipped it.
My attempt at a terrible Christmas joke. What name does Jesus use when delivering pizzas? Chjesus Chrust *Thanks I will show myself out*
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...  Ba-dum-tiss 
*Skynet becomes self aware* *Starts a blog*
I got my first kiss from a girl today.... It was milk chocolate.
I want to open a pizza shop called "Cheesus Crust!" Our slogan will be: "Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell." -or- "Crust has risen."
What does having sex with a hooker and bungee jumping have in common? If the rubber brakes, you're screwed.
Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car? So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"
Why did princess Diana cross the road? because she wasn't wearing a seat belt
Mary arrived home from school covered in spots. 'Whatever's the matter ?' asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'
Why do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.
What kind of bird lays electric eggs ? A battery hen !
Did you hear about the movie "Constipation"? ... It never came out...
I love you, but I'm not in "change my relationship status on FB" love with you
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's finger.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Q: How does a pair of pants feel when it is ironed? A: Depressed.
Girls wanting giant ass teddy bears, & VS bags, and bouquets of underwear for valentines day. Just give me some pizza & I'll love u forever.
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? "Where's my tractor"
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing.
What do people mean when they say kids are 'experimenting' with sex? Getting it on in a lab coat? Is that how you get a test tube baby?
'Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?' --my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car
Man Bun? or Douche Knot? neither, it's a fairy tail.
Q: What insect lives on nothing? A: Moths, because they eat holes.
My grandpa told me my generation relied too much on technology I told him "no, your generation relies too much on technology" Then I unplugged his life support
An Arab walks in to a bar No one survived the explosion.
How did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
I stopped living paycheck to paycheck... ...now I live direct deposit to direct deposit.
"Mom, I don't like my little brother." "Then just eat the vegetables."
Did you hear about the guy who OD'ed on homeopathic medicine? He had forgotten to take them.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and an agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Idea: suicide note Mad Libs ("Sad Libs")
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat ? To see if there was any more money in the kitty !
I'd say my girlfriend is a five. If you count the thumb.
What kind of a battery does Dj Khaled use? A Li-ion battery.
While the worker was talking about computer parts he made my motherboard
What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract? One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.
Official Bin Laden Joke thread! "Osama's funeral is gonna' be the bomb!"
Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors. #7 won't shock you.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven't met my kids.
I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.
Today I accidentally hit on the mirror It cracked me up
ME: I'm just gonna take a quick nap. KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented. *living room is on fire*
Best thing about being a professional bagpiper is.. We get the best blow jobs.
[OC] What do you call authentic Italian wine harvested in January? Genu[w]ine.
What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to do it, a second to keep yelling, "You're lookin' BIG, man!"
What do you call the smallest Superman in the world?.. Quark Kent.
BNAG That's bang out of order!
Which meatballs get a little tipsy on occasion? The POTTED ones!
There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment.
Two cannibals are eating a dead clown one cannibal turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
Have you ever hit a man with glasses? No. A 2by4 works much better.
My doctor wasn't amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said One hundred and fat
difference between laugh and sex Teacher: what's the opposite of laughing? Kid: Sex Teacher: How dare you! And why is that? Kid: Because, laughing haha and sex is ahah
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.... Let him out of your basement and he can go back to his family.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy's.
"i'm not even that high." -me talking to the microwave
I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn't kiss me under anesthesia.
Since joining twitter I've started 2 new collections .......... Dust and cobwebs !
Who built the round table? Sir cumference assisted by Sir cular Huehuehue
I just found out my mum didn't know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in
No, no, no. I said I was a 'peephole' person.
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
There's a cricket living outside my apartment. I'm all "Cricket, it's winter, shouldn't you die?" and he's all "Chirp!" and we laugh.
Chemists do tell jokes, but there's no reaction because all their people skills Argon. Omg, that's Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? because their fingers are so big.
Don't trust atoms They make up everything
I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in a can.
Everybody is a little weird, except you and I... ...and I'm not so sure about you.
A VIEW DO ASIAN PEOPLE VIEW THE WORLD IN LETTERBOX EDITION?
"I...I don't know, doc. I guess I'm just tired of being pushed around all the time." -Revolving Doors
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
Donald Trump managed to build his wall and kept the mexicans out. Now he has a new target for extinction: Ladders, ropes, shovels, airplanes...
How many shares of Facebook stock do I have to buy to disable my mom's "Like" button?
What did Freddy Mercury have for breakfast? Bacon and AIDS (I'm so sorry Freddy)
I just started the tequila diet and I'm making great progress! I've already lost 2 days!
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this?"
Why did the pervert like to watch girls in their entrance hallways? He was a foyer.
A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister". Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".
The best joke of them all You.
Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged? Because cowboys always eat with their hats on.
What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common? the harder you hit 'em the more english you get
I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a movie with Matthew McConaughey... She said it's not a Matthew McKindaDay.
What would the Pilsbury Doughboy be if photos of him were constantly being put on magazine covers? A roll model.
I got stuck in a blender. Pour me...
What did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand? "You always think you're right!"
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything
Why did Karl Marx always buy cheap tea? Because he believed that all proper tea was theft.
Don't have phone sex You might get hearing aids.
Lesbians are like stray cats. There are more of them than you think.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it's fun to push things down the stairs.
Incredible Hulk Experiment-Day 13 Just woke up. Still not a Hulk. Looks like I ate all those moldy bagels for nothing. -Research Continues
A man was killed with a starter pistol today Police think it might have been race related.
I just heard about it and I totally think I am... What if I'm a hypochondriac?
A vaping hipster aetheist vegan crossfitter walks into a bar just kidding people like that dont exist but I imagine they do so I have someone to hate other than myself haha.
The Mexican Magician A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.
Having sex in a elevator is... wrong on so many levels
What's worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
How do mathematicians become engineers? You just gotta apply yourself.
What do you call a bad hair day for Donald Trump? A real toupee in the ass.
Why do chemists go to the gym so much? Before they titrate, they need to get buffer!
How do you make an archaeologist blush? Show him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
what does the fox say dingdingdingdingdingding
Gf: am I pretty or ugly? Bf: you're both hun :) Gf: what do you mean both? Bf: you're pretty ugly.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran
What's the difference between a kid and a cat? Who has the diploma when you get rid of them.
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel As he walks in, he hands the inn keeper three nails and asks. "Can you put me up for the night?"
How can you make a soup rich? Add 14 carrots (carats) to it.
I spilled spot remover on my dog... ... He's gone now (credit to Steven Wright)
Really, Weather Guy? It's gonna be a "pleasant" weekend? How about you go to Stacy's baby shower and report back.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says I don't have a headache!" He says "Aha!"
9: Whatcha watching? Me: Tiny Houses. 9: Wow it's tiny! Who's gonna live there? Me: Two people. 9: Are they married? Me: Not for long.
What happens when you put the energizer bunny's battery's in backwards? He keeps coming and coming and coming.
What do you call two gay rednecks? Super Smash Brothers
If Steph Curry was a video game character He'd be banned for having no counterplay.
Guys, I'm getting a little offended by these racist jokes. I had a black friend. . . ... Until my dad sold him.
And God said unto John: "Come forth, and you shall be granted immortality." But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Why Can't I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
Did you hear about the newly-released Michael Jackson autobiography? It's called "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing."
No one has 99 problems. That's so many problems.
Why did the freshly circumcised penis experience uncontrollable road rage? Someone cut him off.
How do you write the sound made by a pot or pan bouncing down the stairs? ... ... ... ... ~~~
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? "Claus-trophobic"
Your mom must study Reverse-Judo. She keeps throwing herself at bad men.
Me: I don't think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids. Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead. Her:
People accuse me of babying my dog, which I think is ridiculous. It's not like I'm breast feeding her. She won't even take to my nipple.
How many Unidans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six: one to screw it in and five to cheer him on loudly while standing in front of other people's bulbs so no one can see them.
I'll say it again: It's no fair that black people get the entire month of February, while fat people only get a Tuesday.
MOM don't come in I'm watching porn on my phone. just slide the grilled cheese under the door
Well it's almost time for that " New Year  New Me " bullshit again!
I like my women how I like my haircut... high and tight.
What do r/jokes subscribers and Catholic priests have in common? Both think the shorter the better.
I had a friend who got fired working in a urine testing lab.... he wouldn't say why but personally, I think, it was because he was taking the piss...
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
And the LORD said " Come forth and receive eternal life" John came fifth and received a brand new toaster
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
A woman asked me if I had a cigarette. "Yes..." I said, "But what about your baby?" She said, "Oh no. He doesn't smoke."
I will read that article on how procrastination can kill me As soon as I get around to it.
I sat on Santa's lap.. I asked for a bigger dick. He called his black brother-in-law.
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
How do you circumcise a guy from Wyoming? Kick his sister in the chin.
What does batman take in his whiskey? Just ice.
My GF was annoyed with me and asked me to stop singing Wonderwall Then I said Maybe
What is the difference between and joke and two dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.
What did the keyboard say to the mouse? stop with the cheesey jokes!
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.
"Sookie!" -70% of True Blood dialogue
What did the racist ask Santa for? A white Christmas.
I met my wife online. It was love at first site.
Why was the snow yellow? Elsa let it go!
SPOILER ALERT: Unrefrigerated milk goes bad quickly.
How does a Space Marine from Warhammer 40K get fit? By doing Squats.
A one-legged and a blind man are arguing The one-legged man says: "I'm gonna kick your ass!". The blind man replies: "Sure, I'd like to see that!"
Where do you buy clothes for baby owls? the outlet
Was Hitler really such a bad guy? After all, he did kill Hitler.
Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons, chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation Edit: words
Why are Jews and the Amish so similar? Neither like cooking with gas.
What do corals get stressed about? Current events.
I had a dream that I killed all the dumb shirtless guys with 'swag' and their duckfaced girlfriends. It was the Yolocaust.
My boss wanted me to sign up for the company 401k. I told him, "No way, do you have any idea how far that is?"
I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten Naked in public becoming a meme Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Wanna Hear a Joke My Ex-wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER... Ge-Get because marriage is such a terrible thing. -Grucle Stan
Whats the highest grade you can get in the trap? B's
How does Harry Potter get down a hill? By running. J.K! Rowling.
What do you call a plane's vagina? A cock pit
Why did Wile E. Coyote have a "Detour" sign pointing to the edge of a cliff? To throw the Roadrunner off.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to do it before it gets cool, and one to talk about how much better the old one used to be.
Jim Gaffigan's stand-up is so funny that I watched it a second time... ...and I Jim Laugh Again'd.
tomorrow is national microphone day... check 12/12/12
Guess what? Chicken Butt.
[OC] What is Hillary Clinton's favorite video game? Super-Pac man.
What do you call 8 rabbits? a rabbyte
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I installed a pedometer app on my phone But whichever direction I walk, I seem to be moving away from the kids.
What's the difference between a yoghurt and America? If you leave a yoghurt for 200 years, it will eventually develop a culture. Plus the yoghurt's fat free.
Some people like those European youngsters... But I prefer the euthanasia
A working class man goes to a fancy restaurant He just finished ordering his appetizer when the waiter asks "Entree?". The man says "No! On a plate!"
What did the frog say in the massage parlor? Rubbit.
Dora the explorer has got a new muslim friend. (xpost from r/mockingislam) Called Doda the exploder.
I'm going to create a new app for people who want to find more pornography like the porn they already like. . . Porndora.
I married Miss Right... I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I invented a new joke. Plagarism.
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or they're going to think we're nuts!
Why do Scottish men watch porno movies backwards? Because they like the scenes where the prostitutes return the money to their clients.
I asked the offspring how to make BBQ taste better Gotta keep em marinated. ...I'll just leave now.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a  phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
Even though it's just a one letter change the difference between "Wish you were here" and "Wish you were her" is tremendous
What did the vertebrate say to the invertebrate? Always thought you was a bit spineless.
*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode* *changes Twitter bio to "musician/songwriter"*
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face I get concerned about her disproportionate body shape.
I've got good news and bad news: the bad news is that it's either trump or Hillary for president... The good news is that by 2020 America will be in ruins and Kanye will never get a chance to run.
What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why is /r/jokes so keen to build a wall to keep things out that aren't funny? They're afraid of the competition.
Women are like snowflakes: they can't drive
My mum is a rat bag Roses are red violets are blue but mummy I love you so much (in a sarcastic way) I'll change the sentence in a more simple way I love how much homework you give me. NOT!
Why did the worker get fired from the hp computer factory? He threw out all the computers with "dy" on them.
No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president.. there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months..
Jenner If Bruce(now) Caitlyn Jenner is kidnapped, do they put his picture on the side of a half &amp; half bottle?
[Ouija Board] Me: Spirit, answer this one questiondo you like me? Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
What's the difference between amnesia and alzheimers? I can't remember.
What's the difference between an arts student and a table? A table can support itself
the new #ipad is #smaller and the new ipone is longer. these gadgts are becoming better, in my opinion Posted by PutsGadgetsUpAss at 11:09am
Probably the worst Rule ever is Ja.
8th Harry Potter book confirmed, you'll never believe who wrote it... J.K.
Why is it hard to play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards.
My friends made me jump off the end of the dock... I'll do anything under *pier* pressure
You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
I like my woman like I like my vodka.... Gone in the morning.
Fun fact: The average fight between men lasts 30 seconds. The average fight between women lasts 30 years.
They discovered a new mummy in an Egyptian pyramid. He was found wrapped in chocolate and golden foil. They believe his name is Pharaoh Rocher.
Who has the easiest job in the world right now? Joan Rivers' embalmer.
Job interview Hiring manager: so, according to your resume you have listed "can pee with a boner" as a skill Me: yea bruh I guess u can say its kinda hard Manager: wow lol you're hired
I found a Zelda fanfic where Ganondorf took over Hyrule, but for some reason I couldn't click on it I guess the Link was dead
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
My first original joke. What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous?? It fro's up.
I got really upset when I noticed my wife shovelling snow in the freezing cold But then I just closed the blinds.
Why do white girls hang out in odd numbers? They can't even.
What do you call a joke that only works written down instead of told orally? A [sic] joke
Whats the difference between a dog and a fox? About 8 pints
I've just joined a Jamaican jazz band as a triangle player. I just stand at the back and ting.
Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I'm ok never handling a firearm.
Definitely not an hypochondriac I'm not an hypochondriac but I fear I'll become one.
What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww
Why did the Trix bunny hand out eggs? Chicks are for kids!
Doctor, does being obese impede my chances off a normal sex life? No, but it does add weight to the problem.
Just realized, We stare at screens, have fake farms, cities and animals and poke people.Think about it. Facebook is a  mental hospital and we're the patients.
My 19 yo cousin told me this one What did Euler find in the toilet? Natural log
"Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe: "It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?"
Why did the man's kidneys fail? They didn't study.
I accidentally left the "Shake to Shuffle" feature of my iPod turned on during my run and listened to 2,379 songs in 4 miles.
"Hurt me!" said the masochist. The sadist replied, "No."
Why did Hitler shoot himself? Because he got his gas bill.
Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that's what we were doing.
What do you call an Italian that has taken Viagra? Al dente
What do you call a docks nanny? An Au'Peir
who called it your 4th stepfather instead of mom beau number 5
I'm not stupid
Walmart's hair salon doesn't charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Man sticks finger into electrical socket... What happens next will shock you.
1 Direction. More like 0.8 Direction.
I ate some fireflies for supper today. I'm trying to eat light.
My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that? YODA (taking notes): Yep
Holding down the power button until my device turns off feels like strangling someone until they stop breathing. Except I usually hope my device turns back on.
Dog: [Barks at the mailman] Human: Bad dog. Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off.
I was told today that my muslim optician had passed away....Asif Eyecare.
What do Buddhists eat to help keep themselves balanced both physically and spiritually? Cottage chi
What do you get if King Kong sits on  your best friend? A flat mate.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.
Don't you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the  shower.
You can tell how important a thing is by if there's a cheese of it: string, important; mars, not important; blue, important; democracy, not
The government. Unfortunately, wherever you're from, they are a joke.
Why don't women wear watches? Because there's a perfectly good clock on the stove
What is the only part of a vegetable you cannot eat? The wheelchair.
1. Africa's the 2nd most populous continent on earth.So when U meet an African abroad,dont ask us if we know sme other African U met before
What's the worst part of having a girl repeatedly calling another mans name during sex? Wondering who the hell names their son Rape.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes...
Lack creativity? Do you like doing the exact same thing every day all day? Open a barbershop in Asia.
How long do owls live? Six and a half books.
I would be a bad fish. Fishermen would be like, "omg i'm so ugly" and I'd take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Why do programmers hate designing flood defence simulations? Because of the overflow errors!
Anyone wanna road trip to Tennessee? I hear Gatlinburg is pretty lit
Don't worry, dude, You're fine. I'm pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.
Bert : 'Ernie, do you want to get some icecream?' Ernie : 'Sherbert'
What is the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls they are under a buck!
I couldn't believe it when my mother said she liked The Monkees more than The Beatles. Then I saw her face.
How do you get a bass player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You're about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Asians offer Whites the secret to telling them apart. Whites accept but deliver message to the wrong Asian.
I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
What do you get when you have an Asian and MLP? My Little Penis
How do you eat soup with chop sticks? Slowly.
I married Mrs. Right... I just didn't know her first name was Always
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....I think he meant well.
So embarrassing when the door's marked PUSH & you spend 5 minutes shattering all the glass
Why do Apes love to go to school in bad neighbourhoods? They like any jungle - even a blackboard jungle!
How much did the critic tip the waiter? Two cents
Where did the sick boat go? To the dock.
A new girlfriend asked me "How did you manage to stay single for so long?" Single Handedly
Son: I'm going to transform into an island off the coast of Italy! Mother: Don't be Sicily!
After retiring from the sport, a snooker player takes up camera work... The director gets a shock when he tells him to make sure his cues are good or he might as well shove them up his backside.
Second best gaming joke ever... Buy the DLC to find out...
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I'm inviting you to race shopping carts, you're my kinda people.
I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
People always freak out when I start playing their kid like a bass. It's like chill, you can play him like a bass too once I finish the song
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a super hero. The other is a simple command.
When I was a little kid, I asked the waitress for a quickie My mom had to tell me, "It's pronounced quiche'."
Did you hear about the German doing an impression at the talent show? He did the wurst.
[speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding
What's the worst part about making out with a perfect 10? The cold feeling on your lips when you realize you're kissing the mirror
Grocery produce aisle ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
What's long, hard, and covered in people? The Great Wall of China, pervert.
ur only a true 2012s kid if u remember kony
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.
Man walks into a rod He doesn't understand comedy
I'm gaining weight for my role as "'Before' picture"
You scream, I scream.... The cops come, its awkward.
TIL that the famous teacher Anne Sullivan once accidentally taught the wrong class after the legitimate teacher couldn't make it and the alternate teacher was late. Whoops, wrong sub
Q: What happens when you eat bullets? A: Your hair grows out in bangs.
How does a crackhead order their whiskey? On the rocks
I stumped my toe today and it felt pretty good 10/10 would bang again
Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death
#ThatAwkwardMoment when you pretend to read your birthday card after the money has fallen out.
Whats blue and pretty on top, and brown and kind of a bummer in the bottom? The Mediterranean Sea.
If everyone gets a dollar for every time I fuck a girl. They'd have none.
I heard that the Dutch have a lot of educational support for homosexual teens. They know had bad things can go when a dyke fails.
What is a proletariat cannibal's favorite food? A double cheese bourger.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid... I'd be a prostitute.
Dirty skanks are not prime mates
"Dean, what do you think is a reasonable price point for a chocolate cake?" "Good question, Deluca. I'm gonna say $95."
What do you call ten sets of bagpipes at the bottom of the sea? A start.
[gathers around casket and see's it's full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means [grandma's body is being dumped over the winning coach]
The faster I type in my password, the more secret agent-y I feel.
What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper? They both circle Ur-anus in search of cling- ons. Boom! Still got it.
How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb? They don't see the point and just sit in the dark.
I don't trust atoms... I heard they make up everything
Osama Bon Jovi
*sits perfectly still for a 12-hour portrait painting* "Delete it."
If I had a dollar every time a girl hit on me... I would still be poor
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell.
"A wine please" "Sir, this is McDonalds..." "Okay, a McWine please"
What is a misogynist? A misogynist is anyone winning an argument with a feminist.
If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
How does the moon cut his hair? 'Eclipse it.
A patient in his hospital bed asks his doctor... Patient: Doctor, how much time do I have left to live...? Doctor: Ten Patient: Ten what...? Doctor: Nine...
Happy Thanksgiving Reddit! Let us all give thanks to the day Jesus ate turkey with the pilgrims.
If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that... it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine - William Shakespeare
What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter? Thank you for your patients.
Why were the Three Wise Men covered in soot? Because they came from afar.
A woman just asked me to "unpark her car" and now I'm searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What did Katy Perry steal from Dr. Frankenstein's closet? The Tie of the Igor.
Even if oil prices go down, I'm still going to siphon gas from my neighbor's car because I like the adrenaline rush and he's an asshole.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a plane crash. Who survives? Not the joke.
What are a ninjas favourite type of shoes? Sneakers!!
Blackjack is just like my love life I always hit on 15
How do rabbits get to work? By rabbit transit!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Which aardvark holds the speed record? The nearsighted aardvark who wrapped his tongue around a  motorcycle!
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? You can't violin with the electric meter
My friend got a rash from some suntan lotion he was using. He wanted to sue the company for billions. He was being irrational.
Down with the metric system no more foreign rulers!
I think the Tuskegee Airmen were incredibly brave... ...not only were they fighter pilots, they all had syphilis!
Why does vampire Superman want to go out? Because he doesn't want to be around the crypt tonight. (you can tell i made that up)
Three guys are walking down the street, two of them walk into a bar.... the third one ducks
How many blacks does it take to start a riot! -1
What body regulates the welfare of Santa's workers? The Elf and Saftey Executive.
What word starts with "n" and you never want to call a black person? Neighbor
What do snake charmers do in the rain? Turn on their windshield vipers.
Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny. They just don't work.
Why did the illegal latinos all fail their English classes? They didn't turn in their eses.
Chinese takeout Chinese food to go $15. Gas to go pick it up $1.50. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of my containers.... Riceless.
I told this woman that I still had not forgotten how to make a spacerocket. You can not forget what you never learned.
The Love for music! If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I hope they split us by music genre.
Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually
*takes a puff of an E-Cigarette* yeah, I have all of Skrillex's albums on vinyl.
*maintains eye contact while checking 'Dating Librarians For Dummies' out from the library.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam
What do you call a Chinese millionaire? Cha Ching
Born to be mild.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. -Tim Vine
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker  with a carrier pigeon ? A bird who knocks before delivering its message !
How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog? With relish.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My son swallowed several coins the other day. I've definitely seen some change in him.
Doctor Doctor with all the excitement of  Christmas I can't sleep. Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don't end up like everyone I went to high school with.
How did Helen Keller burn her ear off She answered the iron
[killer enters home in middle of night] ME: Who goes there? KILLER: Haha ME: What KILLER: Who still says "Who goes there" ME: Ok laugh it up
Jon Snow must be a redditor He knows kn0thing.
Did ya hear Fergie is pregnant? Told her husband she was 2000 and late
"LOLZ"? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
What kind of car does Yoda drive? A Toy-Yoda
July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.
What do you call someone with no arms or legs? Jeffrey. Knock knock, Who's there? NOT JEFFREY
Dry erase boards are remarkable!
I've used my wife's conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I'm a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.
I asked my Sushi Chef what his favorite roll was. . he said payroll.
My penis is a gangster... It cums from the hood.
A cop pulls over Heisenburg, and says... Do you know you were going 100 miles per hour? Heisenburg then replied, exasperatedly, "Dammit, now I'm lost!"
What's the best way to make a bull sweat ?  Put him in a tight jumper !
The only double penetrating I'll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My girlfriend's body is a temple... ...and I'm a Jew, so I have to come inside it every Sunday.
Why is sex like snow? Because you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last..
[Jewish Joke] What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall? They break their nose. (note - I'm Jewish so this is OK)
Why do white people own so many pets? Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.
I decided to write down all the pieces of classical music I want to play before I die... ...it's my bucket Liszt.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Cos they got big fingers.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Rasta Barbie ...she's got a tie-dyed t-shirt dreadlocks and reggae CD; rolling papers sold separately
My knock, knock joke Knock, Knock Who's there? The Doctor. Doctor who? No, just The Doctor.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means.
If you laid all the veins in your body end to end... you'd be dead.
I just saved a bunch of monkeys on car insurance by telling them that monkeys don't drive so they don't need insurance.
I heard you can turn soup to gold... You just have to add 24 carrots
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman "gathering her thoughts".
What do you call a man who's always in high spirits? An alcoholic.
Why does my porn website have a share to google+ button? ...I dont want people to know I use google+
A Mexican magician says he can disappear on the count of three. "Uno.... Dos...." and poof, he disappeared without a tres.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair? Whatever you like, what's he going to do about it anyway?
What's the best thing about having a girlfriend who is addicted to Starbucks? You'll never forget her name.
How do you become a hobbit? Eat, shrink and be Merry!
A horse trots into a bar . . . with a 8 foot stringy greasy turd stuck in his butt, dragging along behind. Bartender stares down at the trailing choad, then looks up - "Why the long feces?"
I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents. Mine can't even find the butter in the fridge.
Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed!
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed-wire fence? Utter destruction!
What is brown and sticky? A stick!
How do you know when you have bad acne? When the blind try to read your face.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Whenever my parents talk about the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?
What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him? Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.
What do we say to the god of procrastination? Not today.
[on 1st date] Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single? Me: Single? Who's single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due me: say it fred: pls no me: i'm not paying fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due me: haha
What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use a whole chicken.
What does a Jew, in Poland with a Stomach ache have? The Auschits
What do you call a black guy having sex? RAPE
Dr: You've gained some weight Me: You said I should take it easy Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick Me: WELL I'M NOT A MIND READER
Someone called me ma'am today and all of my books turned to large print!
What profession was once highly respected, but is now a complete joke? Nigerian Prince Thanks r/askreddit for the idea
Did you hear why the energizer bunny got sent to jail? He was charged with battery
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.
Why did hitler killed himself? He got the bill for gas
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Teacher : Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first ? Pupil: I want to know how it ends !
What do you call three Irish lumberjacks? Tree fellers Edit: Wooo gold!
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?
What's the name of A support group for transgender superheroes? The Ex Men.
"Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks
Doctor gets a call...My husband just swallowed aspirin By mistake, what should I do? Doctor: give him some headache now! It will help!
What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard? A coin to scratch it with.
A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a drink. The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.
What do you call a james bond film about a calculator? Casio royale
Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can't love me at my bad jokes, you don't deserve me at my cat photos.
My apartment smells like someone just took a dump, but nobody is home... That's some spooky shit.
Drew Barrymore Now I just need to colour him in
What does a Christian terrorist say before blowing up? JESUS HALLELUJAH
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."
Know why Trump supporters are so obsessed with "cuck"? Because they can't wait to watch him fuck their families.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
Why did Snoop Dogg go to Germany? For Schnitzel.
Cashier: haha that's a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh Me:... Cashier:... Me:... Cashier:... Me: yep
Q:What did the German Police office say to his nipple. A:*You are under a vest.*
If I were God, I'd totally be cool with you using my name in vain. Feel free to say, "Oh John" next time you're cumming ladies.
I'm about as jealous as a cancer patient watching x-men right now
[invasion] *aircrafts dropping from the sky *explosions everywhere *mass hysteria Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
How do people at rodeos heckle the riders? Moooo!
I lost 140 unwanted, useless, life-sucking pounds - in only 6 weeks! I got a divorce.
Statistics say that 30% of women are on medication for some sort of mental issue... That means there are 70% running around out there unmedicated...
Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.
"Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek" Yeah "Can you demonstrate?" Sure, count to 10 *Counts to 10 & opens eyes* *I'm literally on fire*
Why did Theon Greyjoy become Reek as Ramsay Bolton's hostage? He was suffering from Starkhome syndrome
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese. ...Ba-doom-tish.
What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? A hundred sows and bucks.
What's the difference between a condom and the congress? You can only fit one dick inside a condom.
I'm the perfect man if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
You can't buy love, but you can buy a lot of alcohol so just be happy about that.
Son: Mom! What's a gf? Mom: if you're a good boy, you'll get one when you're older. Son: What is I'm not a good boy? Mom: You'll get many.
A broke baker goes into a bar the bartender asks him for a joke for a payment for the beer The baker is sad because he can only do buns
Why was the dog so depressed? He was having a hard time looking up.
Racist jokes are all the same... Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
"Look on the bright side - at least there's more for us to drink with him gone" is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I'm guessing the person who decided to call it 'common sense' didn't know that many people.
Bloom should not have punched Beiber ... After all, you punch a man, you slap a bitch.
How do you circumcise a priest? Kick a little kid in the jaw.
Scientists analysed sweat samples of 100 regular KFC visitors. 11 secrete herbs and spices
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem ... Comes out of nowhere!
Some delivery guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then, haven't you?"
if ur at a party and there are two dogs there, make sure the dogs dont start hangin out with each other or else u'll hav nobodey to talk to
Six inches of snow predicted tonight: Is that twitter 6" | | Subway 6" | | Real life 6" | | Or Dan 6" | | Cheesecake
You legally aren't married until someone says, "haha but seriously" in their wedding speech.
The baby wasn't very good at transitioning out of breastfeeding I guess you could say he sucked at tit
Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking It's as hard as it is to start flossing - Mitch Hedberg I miss this man every day :(
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird Mom: like hell I'll buy that kid anything..
Why did the Japanese man take a stick of butter and some oil to his garden? He wanted to see a butterfry
And the lord said take this all of you and eat it, this is my body which will be given up for you" and Gordon Ramsay replied "bland, dry, and tasteless."
While it's true that "ain't NOTHIN' wrong" with my neighbor Karen's tits, I understand that I don't need to notify her each morning.
What happened when the astrophysicist lost a competition? He got a constellation prize.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 13 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
What did Hannibal Lector have for breakfast? Kevin Bacon. ... And Jon Hamm. ^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out.
What did the Mississippi girl say when she lost her virginity? Get off me Daddy you're crushin' my cigarettes.
Why did the woman buy new wine glasses? Because the ones she was using made everything blurry.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
An Irish, blind, gay, paraplegic blonde woman is wheeled into a bar.. "Ow!"
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands in the air. But how would I catch them?
There are a bunch of people shouting "No Reds or Yellows!" outside my gym I can't tell if they are supporting Trump or Team Mystic
What's a pirates favorite letter? You would think R, but pirates really have a passion of the seas.
I rate the pyramids 9/11 Because the jews did it.
Why people don't use #YOLO anymore? Because they lived once
What will you find in the toilet of a ship? The captains log.
The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done
Life is a lot line piano lessons. Because my mom forced me into it and expects me to try my best even though she knows I fucking hate the piano.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX. I yelled what does BMX stand for? He replied "DUI".
What do you call a Roman with pubic hair in his teeth? Gladiator
A witticism of timely and international-political import. Knock Knock. Who's there? Crimea Crimea Who? Crimea River instantrimshot.com
There's always an Obama in relationships. The one that has to compromise, doesn't really get much credit, and never wins, no matter what.
What do you call a American football team full of retards? Special teams
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn't sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
What do you call a person who speaks three languages? Trilingual! Two Languages? Bilingual! Only one language? Americans~
A scientist and a philosopher...
I'm so happy Leonardo finally got an award, he was such a brilliant inventor and painter.
Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur. Later... Me: we'll both have the wine connoisseur
F(x) walks into a bar the bartender looks at him and says "Sorry we don't cater for functions"
The average life insurance policy is $100,000. How much is the policy for a white supremacist? 3k.
What's Jerry Lewis's favorite vitamin? riboFLAVIN
Houston teen kills himself while taking a selfie with a gun He probably should have used a camera
I learned two things in prison. Don't sweat the petty, and don't pet the sweaty!
Are you a shark, cause I got some swimmers for you to swallow.
How do you make a bunch of Redditors mad? [deleted]
Tower: What's your heigth and position? Pilot: Well I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Two Thai girls offered me a threesome. It was like winning the lottery. When we stripped off we had six matching balls.
wife: how is it outside? me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy's trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Parents are like future electric cars They can go for years without recharging
Why are fat girls so good at giving head? Because they have to be.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? That's not funny.
No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
I want a relationship like from Up. She dies and I get a flying house.
What was an elephant doing on the freeway? About 5 miles per hour.
sticks and stones may break my bones but if you say the right words i'd probably break my own bones too
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to invade Poland and one to tell you that jokes aren't funny.
What's the hardest thing about walking across a field of dead babies. My cock.
A little girl said "I looked into the parlour, and I saw my sister take off her clothes. I saw my sisters music teacher take off his clothes." "Perhapse they were going to piss on the piano"?
What is your favorite joke that's so bad it has become funny again?
I watched this guy try for an hour to put lipstick on a turd. You can't make this shit up!
What did the suicide bomber from the Rebel Alliance say before detonating? ADMIRAL ACKBAR!
Is it too much to ask that my gay friends flamboyantly leap from closets when I visit their houses?
A blonde was watching the news and saw that two Brazilian skydivers died in a horrific accident. She responds with, "two Brazilian? Is that more than a billion?".
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA!
How would you call Hitler if he was a musician ? DJ Nocide.
The check engine light could be more specific...is it 'holy shit stop the car right now' or 'proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles'?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
A black guy, Chinese guy, and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the fuck out."
How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Slap a nipple on it.
I stripped naked after losing a bet yesterday. I'm now barred from my local bookies.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beaver E ! Beaver E who ? Beaver E quiet and nobody will find us !
Patient: Doctor you have to help me stop talking to myself. Doctor: Why is that? Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Unlike the passengers in his car who were screaming and yelling! http://www.thedailyenglishshow.com/friday-joke/98-how-to-die/
"I can't eat all of that!" ... and other lies I tell
Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse's ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport.
What do you call a man who cleans out toilets ? Lou !
What do you call a rap battle? Black-on-black rhyme
Why is Kim Jong-un so hungry? Because hes got no Sole!
What do you call a Mexican rolling in sand? A churro.
WiFi Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don't think that's a... Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
[NSFW] Why are gay men sometimes referred to as "butt pirates?" Cause they love plundering booty.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My friends swore I was dating a witch I now know she's more of a cunt.
IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion. PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER! IP: Okay, someone that's not my wife.
How much is a $1,000,000 Bill worth? Nothing! You can't use it anywhere!
*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus *Waits for Nobel Peace Prize
What takes up 12 parking spaces? Six women drivers.
The movie spoiler you won't be able to avoid this Xmas! It turns out Alvin is Theodore's FATHER!
What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen? This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.....!!
My neighbors are gay I guess you could say I'm by sexuals
I'm gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you. C'mere.
Two kids Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
Say what you want about kleptomaniacs, but they're definitely not cowards. Those guys have got balls of steal.
We always think the style we're in now is fine yet we always look like idiots 10 years later. How do we learn from this?
What do fat chicks and brick walls have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone someplace exciting this weekend?
"If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace" (from the back) He saw Creed live in 2003
I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, "This is as good as it's ever going to get. Buy some relish."
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Tried to slide a cup towards me across the table. The cup fell over instead. I blame friction.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
I like my women like Hawaii... Warm, wet, and Asian.
Told a female Redditor my dick was long... She asked "we talkin' 'r/TIFU' long or 'r/Jokes' long?" TIFU by saying Jokes....
What is something that is brown and sticky? A stick.
Breaking news: The world is running out of plastic. Citizens everywhere say its because of Nicki Minaj's implants.
(Halloween Costume Shop) ME: *leaving after not finding anything* CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren't free, buddy.
Why does r/jokes smell like rotten eggs? Because it's full of bad yolks.
An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there... ... by shooting them himself.
Every time I walk into a store with my dad Worker: "Can I help you?" Dad: "No, he was born like that."
Offensive middle eastern joke. What do you call an arab who wants to be European yet keeps practicing his beloved religion, islam?   A turk.
[judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"
[Ice Cream Truck] John Cena: I'll take an Icee, please. Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You? Cena: *grabs driver's shirt* No, you can't.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires. *Can I have oreos?* [NO]
How do you swat one hundred flies at the same time? Smack an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
We put a rover on Mars and made color changin' beer cans. It's about time somebody invents a day to stick between Sunday and Monday. Merica.
If I was a stripper my name would be medusa Because I'll make you rock hard ;)
Wanna hear a joke? "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "Why?" "To get to the house of the ugliest human on the planet. Wanna hear another joke? Knock-knock...." "Who's there?" "Buc-buc-bucaaaaaw!"
So Knock Knock Knock Knock Whos There Me Me Who Miguel ps: my name is Miguel
First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another  way? Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
Accountant: Mr Cage, you are flat broke. *flashback to applying for a loan wearing John Travolta's face* Nick Cage: I already handled it
I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD and I'm like YO.
What do you get when you cross a Rat and a Mountain Climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector by a scalar. EDIT: changed multiply to cross.
Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I found the city in which cheese was first produced! It's from Age!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the newspaper. Do you get it? Neither did the chicken.
After working for 24 hours straight... I called it a day.
Was watching a fetish video and it cut to the guy at the last second I think I got off on the wrong foot.
People say size doesn't matter... But I'd like her better if she didn't have a dick at all.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
What do you call a horny man ghost hunting? A **boo**ty call.
How many feminists? How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, they can't change anything.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
An impressed man and his friend. Man: "'Wow, you're omniscient!" Friend: "What does that mean?" Man: "Nevermind."
...and so they left. So they left. The bartender said, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" Two time travelers walk into a bar.
Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.
How can you tell a dog is a cool dog? It swags its tail.
Sumo wrestlers have to make sure their legs are always shaven So people don't confuse them with feminists
I Couldn't believe my dad got fired from his roadworks job... For stealing, but when I got home all the signs where there!
a joke about pizza On second thoughts it's a bit too cheesy...
A polish guy goes to the ophthalmologist Doctor: Can you read this? C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z Polish: Read? I know that guy!
A law student walks into the bar... ...and passes with flying colors.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
What do cows get when they do all their chores? Mooney.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bacon ! Bacon who ? Bacon a cake for your birthday !
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep ... That's it, I've got that !
kid, we've been tracking your performance on the self checkout... you're the best we've ever seen. we'd like you to become our head cashier
Concerning math jokes What does a mathematician do when he gets a constipation? - He works it out with a pencil
How to win the war on drugs... 1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, u can do it!" Parents w/ Baby #4: "SHIT, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"
I married a dog. My wife is a bitch.
"Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, was briefly a groom once but that's a long story." Don't read your girlfriend's diary. Ever.
I'm sick and I'm going to work today; so if there's some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I'm your patient-zero.
"I love you. I love you. Pay attention to me. I love you. Ok I'm fed now. I HATE YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" - Cats
I thought it was FRAT Tuesday! Now what am I supposed to do with all these popped collars?
Would a cheetah cheat on his wife? No, but a tiger would.
What does a beggar and a PHP programmer have in common? They both work on crowded platforms.
I'm sorry but shits and giggles don't sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
The problem with Freud... The problem with Freud is that none of his theories are testicle. Edit: testable*
Jesus take the wheel... Carlos, you take the stereo. I'll take look out
What's the difference between a man and an octopus? Octopus: eight tentacles, each its own neural structure that offloads work from the brain Human Male: one tentacle which controls brain
What do you call a woman made out of beef? Patty
How do you kill a 1 legged fox? Make him run across Canada. (sorry)
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can't even finish this one
What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus? Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.
My 6 year old Niece's Joke What did the Hippie say to the invisible elephant? Hey dude, you're outta sight!
What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with? A cuddlefish! (corny I know)
My wife likes too talk after sex So she calls me from the hotel room.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns." I said, " who, me?"
two guys talking.... Guy one: I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally peed in her. Now she won't talk to me. Guy two: Sounds like urine trouble.
Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.
The Egyptian man became a bone doctor... They called him a Cairopractor
[2015 Bird Awards] AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO...HORNED GUAN (Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I went to a self defence class last night and the instructor told me to "take him by surprise and attack him". So when I saw him in Walmart the next day I threw a can of beans at his head.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid: "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? It saw a cock!
Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.
A bumblebee, a spelling bee and a vitamin B got in a fight The vitamin B1
All my potato stored... in /r/LatviaPotatoStore.
What's the best part of dating a quadriplegic? Spinning her like a top when she rides you cowboy style.
A Conductor ... What do you call a part time conductor ?? . . . a *semiconductor*
The boy and the priest. A touching story.
Wife caught me whacking off to golden shower porn... Boy was she pissed
Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don't know how my Mom or a stranger didn't murder me as a teenager.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
What do Marylanders call their ex-girlfriends? Old Bay.
Wake Me Up Before You YOLO. #RuinAn80sSong
the only time its ok to call a black guy a nigga is when he shoots you "dis nigga shot me!"
My mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today. It's really bad guys, I need your prayers. I'm so hungry.
I'm always disappointed when I board a plane and there's no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Some family is never more than just blood.
College is just a clever marketing ploy by Starbucks and Red Bull
How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?
A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke. He had a one night stand.
In Soviet Russia, Crimea River.
Why can't you go fishing with Skrillex? Because he always drops the bass.
What do you call a midget Mexican? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay!!!
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument? A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Why don't lesbians cook? They rather eat out.
Plane Related Joke I flew TransAtlantic last month. I couldn't believe it when I saw my old mate Jack on the same flight. I shouted out "Hi Jack!" And six Yanks shat themselves.
Why can't a bike stand on it's own? because it is two-tyred. edit: sorry about "it's own".
J.K. Rowling revealed more info about the American Hogwarts. Unlike the European version, it has metal detectors and more than one fat kid.
Sometimes a man's idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.
My personal assistant is an African American named Barry. But I just call him BlackBarry.
What do you call someone who like massages but hates women? A massagynist
piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists
8: I'm gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won't eat all my favorite cereal. Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Being nice to people who don't deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you're not in jail for murder, is nice.
Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.
The decision to not set back my clocks last fall is looking pretty good right now.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
We should have known Communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags.
OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
How do her parents punish Helen Keller? By leaving the plunger in the toilet.
What do you get when you cross a sheltie and a cantaloupe? A melon collie.
What's Canada's spy agency? The CI, eh?
I bought my wife a new dress A really slinky number But it only works when shes going down stairs
If Hillary Clinton wins the election I am moving to Benghazi. At lest I know she will leave me alone there.
Did you hear? The supreme court ruled that gay marriage has extended to swans.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
Three Nazi's walk into a B.A.R. ...
I got security cameras fitted outside my house. Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.
Lots of people cry while chopping onions. The trick is to not form an emotional attachment.
Why do Stasi officers make such good taxi drivers? You get in the car and they already know your name and where you live.
HR: You're late. Do you even know what time it is? Thor: Hammer time? HR: Get out.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints "thats when i carried u" wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean "i tried to drown u"
I've had Thanksgiving dinner four times and I'm kind of getting addicted. I'm quitting this cold turkey.
"I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef
The fish said to the... no the fish over heard... dammit that's not it... Okay I had a really good fish joke but forgot it, be patient walleye think it over.
I'm in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Sigmund Freud walks into a... ~~breasts~~ bar
The band 1024 Megabytes is coming to town. It's their first gig.
I guarantee you Adam &amp; Eve were white. You ever try and take a rib from a black man?
If Dumbledore did a 'Cribs' episode for Hogwarts, he'd be like "and this is where the magic happens" in every room.
Yo mama is so fat... that when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life's all about the wording.
I don't know what's healthier, but a grilled cheese sandwich tastes way better than a boiled one.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care..... Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
I tried tricking an Inuit guy last night... ...but he was having Nunavut
Q: Where did the kittens go on a class trip? A: To the meow-seum.
What should we call this portable computer? SOME GUY: Laptop [everyone applauds...w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I don't know how some people do it "4 minute shower" It takes me like 4 minutes to even get the water to be the right temperature.
A wise man once said... absolutely nothing. He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Why did the orange move to veggieland? So he could live in peas and hominy.
I went to a zoo where the only animal they had was a dog It was a shitzu
When does feminism stop? When the car breaks down.
watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them
I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped. I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"
Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner.
Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.
I'm trying to potty train my son by leading by example, but the shit I just took totally overflowed his potty chair.
When I die I hope someone puts "In Memory Of Jenny Johnson" in old English lettering across the back windshield of their Buick Riviera.
What weighs 150lbs, stands in the kitchen and takes the piss out of your underpants? A washing machine.
What's the difference between a tennis ball and a white cop who kills a black teen? The tennis ball will actually see a day in court.
I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Why did the clam get in an accident? He was talking on his shellphone.
I don't really like Marxists... ...they have no class.
Imagine a sister store to Cold Stone Creamery where you can buy a bucket of mashed potatoes with "mix-ins." Hot Mash Potatery
I just got a job as a triangle player in a reggae band It's really easy, I just stand at the back and ting
My girlfriend is like root(-1) She's the one, but does not exist.
You open a massage studio called Human Traffic Fuck Palace and some people will just assume the worst.
[at a fancy restuarant] WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip ME: ok [writing on bill] "only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg"
Knock knock new fone who dis
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind it's too cheesy.
A husband and a wife were having dinner... ... the wife dropped some tomato sauce on her top and said 'ugh, I look like a pig'. The husband responds 'AND you have tomato sauce on your top!'
I found out how to make my penis 2 inches bigger Just spend a year in space
*wear sunscreen* *go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose* *now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
What's DJ Khaleds favourite number? 11 because it has another 1.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
It costs over 200,000 dollars to raise a child these days. And that's just for alcohol.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!  - I don't like to interrupt her.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies* 60s cop1: what happened 60s cop2: haha nut allergy
THAT SH!T CRAY You can not underestimate the power of linguistic tracks. KANYE in my language means - go to shit.
Is my corny pun... A-maize-zing?
How's school, Hannah? "Really tough, dad." They're calling you Hannah Banana, aren't they? "No-" WHY THE HELL NOT
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y
British people are always recording their finances because the camera adds ten pounds.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots Me: No No... that's just the way my feet look
I removed the shell of my racing snail to make it go faster. But it just made it more sluggish.
At least 12 dead after shooting in Paris Bet they never thought they would be killed from a magazine.
Whats the derivative of Amazon? Amazon prime.
I love jokes about South Africans... who doesn't like making fun of a bunch of murderers, rapists and thieves.
Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.
Someone stole my coffee. He was charged with mugging.
Cake: the answer, no matter the question.
i lost my weed in my room does anyone have a drug sniffer dog that can keep a secret
What is the best part of Pokemon Go? I can ride my bike indoors and professor oak can't do anything to stop me.
What is it called when men have sex with each other in the military? Tactical Insertion.
How does Popeye lube up his dick? Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
So a magician turns into a parking lot
My Buddhist friend just had root canal with no anaesthetic. He wanted to transcend dental medication...
Why was Hitler such a bad painter He could only paint reichtangles
Mam: "Which book has............ Mam: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" Student: "My father's check book!" :) Like if you agree.............
What do you get when you cross a child and an alligator? An alligator.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there* *i ask him politely to move* *he wont move* *i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
We should call them Whether Men, because they don't know whether or not it's going to rain, get it? That's a good one.
How do you get a redneck to suck your dick? Put Ranch on it...
*runs my fingers thru your hair* *tightens grip* *pulls your head back* *looks you in the eye* Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?
Don't confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
When you've got bad hair and a chin zit all you can do is wear a low cut shirt and hope people look you in the tits instead of your face.
Ever have one of those days where you drink so much coffee that you can't hold the scalpel straight? LOL! It's like a Gallagher show!
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, "I like your haircut", I can respond with, "Thanks. Here, have some."
Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.
Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get to your house!!! Alright, that was a lame joke...here's another: * Knock, Knock. * Who's There? * THE CHICKEN!!!
September was the first calendar month no NFL players were arrested in six years. Kudos to their wives for being so well behaved last month.
A kid looks up from his phone... ....
When he's out driving where does Dracula like to stop and eat? The Happy Biter.
Doctor: It's been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts? "I can't believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard."
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My friend recently got crushed by books. He's got his shelf to blame.
Why do jews get so little annuity? Because they only worked from 38 to 45
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it's truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
What did the CEO of Reddit say to its users [Edit] Nothing
Have you heard about what happened to that biggest sausage party last weekend? Nobody came.
Damn girl are you baking chocolate? Because you're bitter as fuck.
Why can't we see photons having sex? They do it in the super-position.
Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me..
Too black for casuals So we were having sex and my girlfriend asked if she could roleplay as a 14 year old teenager and i said : -what the fuck , u will be 14 in 2 years anyway
My penis is only 6 inches long... But it smells like a foot.
Why were piggy banks made? To keep the Jews away from the money
I told my boyfriend I wanted to break up with him for very mature reasons... His dick was too small.
Happy Independence Day! oh wait...
It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
Im a doctor and I saw an 85 year old patient with aids the other day.. Turns out they were hearing aids
Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper would make them sneeze.
"Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty." / "Copy that."
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a scottish shepard? One says " Hey you get off my cloud", and the other says "Hey McCloud get off my ewe!"
Rodney Dangerfield: "Y'know, my wife and I, we never have sex... ... we get undressed, we can't stop laughing."
How does a Mexican wrestler enter a room? Through the Lucha-door.
Why was hitler's suicide such a suprise? Because we did nazi it coming
How many potatoes does it take to kill 1 million Irish? None.
When I'm feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don't seem so bad.
Where does a homeless accountant live? In a tax shelter.
Screenwriters, you know that script you're working on that's a mix between 2 brilliant films? Well it isn't and I'd like a grande soy latte.
I hate it when I'm trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters.. Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'
What did the bunny say to the frog? [My name is Rabbit, not ribbit!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYkDxsaHlkg)
When is it unlucky to see a black cat ? When your a mouse !
What happens when two self-driving cars crash into each other? *RECALCULATING....*
What's Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft
My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..." After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
"What do we call this war?" "The World War?" "No. There's already been 1 of those" "Uh this is a world war, too" *the streetlights explode*
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad: "Hmm. You are my son. Of that, I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
a neanderthal scrawls a message on a cave wall, the etchings begin to glow red as he exceeds 140 characters
Star Trek joke When the shields are down... Klingon.
Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up fucking a fat pig
...and then the whiskey whispered "You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead (mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
"I have to take a shit, play Stairway To Heaven." - Radio DJ's
The best 5 seconds of my life are when I wake up and have no idea I'm a human or have responsibilities.
When it comes to age, women are a lot like wine. I mean, who doesn't love 16 year-old wine.
What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.
I consider myself to be a bodybuilder Granted nobody else does but I do
"Wow, that's great!" ~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn't just tell me your Grandma died.
I'm so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. "My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!"
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyonce Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious.
Have you seen www.apathy.com? No and quite honestly I can't be bothered.
What Is the Difference Between a ISIS Training Camp and a Iraqi School? Can't Tell the Fucking Difference, I just fly the drone.
What's the difference between a Palestinian woman and a Mackerel? ... One is greasy with big eyes. The other's a fish.
Donald Trump has all the materials he needs to build that wall When he was elected millions of Democrats shit a brick
Why do tornadoes move so erratically?  -They are dizzy
Who do blind kids boo at wrestling events? John Cena.
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. She never says anything, but I know it hurts that she gets less gifts because of how close Christmas is.
I used to have a weird affliction that caused me to alter all my Reddit posts to add the names of my favourite Frasier and Cheers actors but I'm over it now. Edit: Grammer
Did you hear about the restaurant that got closed down because they were serving just the rear ends of animals? Just-ass was served
I saw some nudity on TV last night... I just sat there shaking my fist. I was furious.
"My grammar is terrible," I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy... for boarding the wrong vessel... just once Whoops, wrong *sub*.
i am 1/8 native american ! dont see it ? i oppressed it .
A cashier was serving a pregnant lady And enthusiastically asked "Wow! Your child is so large already! Is it a boy or a girl?" "Yes"
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? One's heavy and the other is a little lighter...
"We should see other people" PIGEON: coo "It's not u it's me" - coo "I'm breaking up w/ u" - coo "I'm sleeping w/ ur brother" - not coo
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought "you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce."
What do you call a teenage girl that doesn't masturbate? A liar. Post your jokes you wouldn't tell your mother.
Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.
What did one fly say to the other? 'your man is down'
[Slightly NSFW] What's the difference between a computer and a woman? Computers will take floppies.
Scientists have finally discovered the secret of longevity of hedgehogs... ...It turns out, there is no secret. They don't even live that long.
How long does it take to tune a double bass? Nobody knows.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?!"
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
Q: What do you call a powerful black guy? A: Obama.
Why are rabbits like calculators? They both multiply a lot.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea? Because proper-tea is theft.
What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist? Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI
Islam gives Women EQUAL Rights!
How many blonde jokes are there? One... The rest are true stories.
What's the quietest album in the world? Stephen Hawking - unplugged
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I'll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
What goes round the middle of the Internet? The e-quator.
Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.
What do you call a lazy Italian at the gym? ...Mussolini
What's the Difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? One's $2.50 and the Other's Under a Buck!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But only if the light bulb really wants to change.
why did the pervert cross the road? because his dick was stuck in the chicken
What do you call 50Cent in Zimbabwe A millionare
Now I'm not saying you're old... but if you were milk I'd smell you before pouring you on my cereal.
Dont look at my username. You looked, dint you? Dint I tell you not to? Dont you have any control? ANY control? You stoopid?.... Get it?
What's similar between an angry cow and one of the most easily detected leptonic decay channels of the z boson? They've both got a muon!
Wife just looked at an 8"x8" picture and estimated it to be 12"x12". Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.
I just came across a group of elderly fish... Old School.
My physics professor gave us a really difficult exam question about a ball with a changing rate of acceleration. It was a jerk move.
I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been banged more than a snooze button on Monday morning.
I met a cute deaf girl at a bar the other day... ... that bitch still hasn't returned any of my calls.
Make her feel like she's the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Who does Hitler call when his dog is sick? A Veteran Aryan
"Damn girl are you?" -Existentialist pick-up line
Fun prank... Make them study for 16 years and then don't give them jobs
German 1970's joke What's the difference between the east-german and the west-german accent? While the former is shared by most, the latter is richer.
Just observed a dwarf making a complaint at customer service. He said "I'm not happy" I leaned in and asked "Then which one are you?"
Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like "now what?"...all talk eh boys?
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool 
Tarzan walk into his wife making dolma.. He then shouts: How many times I told you not to touch my underwear?!?!
What deal did the undead entrepreneurial cattle farmer advertise? Shit for Brains
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. 
A programming joke There are three hard problems in computer concurrency. science. Cache invalidation, naming things, off-by-one errors, and
My relationships never worked, because I like my women how I like my coffee... I don't like when my coffee fucks other people.
I've just de-flowered a virgin. I mugged a Pokemon Go player coming out of a florists.
Why is it hard for Arab men to have a guy's night out? They have to find babysitters for their wives.
What is a pedophile's favorite type of classical music? Anything in A Minor
A black man enters a bar... with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender, all surprised and shocked, said; - That's cool! Where did you get that? - In Africa, replied the parrot.
Your mom is so dumb. She thought fruit punch was a gay boxer.
What do you ask a Mexican girl you like? Netflix and chili?
Roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do
You've gotta hand it to blind hookers.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he's the Joker.
Why did Waldo wear a striped shirt? He didn't want to be spotted.
Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: You send down five skin divers.
The first gay couple has married in Ireland. Please send best regards to Gerald Fitzpatrick who wedded Patrick Fitzgerald.
I would like to tell you about how I beat the Elite Four's Pokemon using only Luvdisc... But just a disclaimer, that battle is not for the faint of heart.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I'm dating him.
Did you know that 10% of what Trump says is actually true? Neither does he.
Heartbeats away from president When you're a Vice President people say you're a heartbeat away from president. But really, it's a failed heartbeat away from president
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
Hi, I'm Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as "No, YOUR face is stupid" and "I didn't trip you, you fell".
Women don't like bass players, apparently... Whenever I say I like thick G-strings they allways walk away, I don't know why.
How do you measure pain? In Hertz.
What does ever horse and rider do at the same time? Grow old!
My grandma is going to vote for Hillary... She's been dead since 82.
What's black white and red all over Michael Jackson in a blender.
What is a computer programmer's favorite moon? Io
What's the difference between the mailman and the priest? The mailman doesn't come on Sunday.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Difference Between a Midget and STD? Ones a clever runt...the other is a running cunt
Me:Siri, why don't I have any friends? Siri:*shows me my Google search history* M:Good call.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That's a hand print
[OC] What did the blind plumber say? I cant see shit.
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaeeeeyyyyy
We now have TWO Wawa's by the interstate. The one on the east side of I4 is not so bad. But the other one, whoa. It's the Wawa West over there.
Some are mad Trump won. Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad. I'm mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it's only 1/3 full.
English Speakers There are more English speakers in China than in the United States.
I invented telescopic arms for snooker players........and the rest is history.
I walked into my bosses office and yelled, "Three to five cellular layers of skin." "What?" he laughed. "I'm just saying what's on everyone's lips."
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she's just found my twitter account
How do you help someone with ADD or ADHD? Send them to a concentration camp!
You know what the downside about Crotchless panties is.. One ball always manages to slip out..
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.
I bought condoms & the cashier said do you need a bag? I replied "No she isn't that ugly".
How's the elevator business? It has it's ups and downs.
So excited! I'm taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me. Nolege is power biches!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? Beef jerky
If you're ever feeling down, remember that you're unique Just like everyone else
I used to be a banker But then I lost interest.
What's a cat's favorite color? Purrple.
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Thousands of souls were lost
The reason I don't like police officers... Everyone that has ever arrested me has been a police officer.
Everyday I get at least 3 people who follow me and then immediately delete their accounts. proposed theory: My tweets kill people.
What happens when you mix pandas and ammonium? Pandemonium breaks out.
You should really buy stock in K-Y Jelly It can only go up.
I'm writing a horror story. It's about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it's ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics Don't believe me? Just watch.
How do you make music by releasing fish? You drop the bass.
Sex ed in Texas
I take everything with a grain of salt these days Now I have hypertension
"Haha, you failed." "Yeah, so did your dads condom."
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements me: yeah of course doctor: you weigh yourself before and after me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
I'm starting to regret my "2015 FOREVER" tattoo.
Whats the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat
Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse? Neither did she.
Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner? All he got was a cold shoulder.
I was wrestling with an Anaconda for 3 days... And then I realised I was masturbating
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
TOO SOON? I knew the market for Jobs was killing but.....
What do the Welsh call a sheep when it's tied to a lamp post? The leisure centre.
i want a google chrome plugin that's a todolist manager and the way you launch it is, you visit twitter, but it shows your todos instead
What will be after homo sapiens in evolution? Homo genius.
What do a house and clean clothes have in common? Homeless people have neither.
As a kid I've always wanted to be Batman when I grew up but then i was disappointed by a sudden realization... I have parents
My grandfather got his tongue cut out in a POW camp He doesn't like to talk about it.
An iceberg caused the Titanic to sink.. Lettuce have a moment of silence.
Questions we just don't answer when kids ask: Where do babies come from? Is Santa real? What was Myspace?
Why did Adele cross the road? To say HELLO from the other sideeeee
My buddy says he is the world's worst at self-deprecating humor. he worried once he was too modest. Then realized he was wrong.
IDGAF if you're black, white, yellow, brown or blue. Well, I do if you're blue, I'll stop and give you CPR if you're blue.
Q: What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman? A: "Come behind the pyramid and I'll make you a mummy!"
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
How long did Cain beat his brother? As long as he was Abel.
What did one bridge say to another? "Fuck you" (They were arch enemies)
I heard a joke about corn the other day. It was amaizeing
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other] [one turns to camera] "There has to be a better way." VOICEOVER: "Hot tubs."
a lawyer, a priest, and a gangster walk into a bar bartender says, "what is this, a joke??"
What do you call the Mexican KKK? The Que Que Que.
I don't see why everyone resents the Headless Horseman... All he wanted was head.
So I started chatting up this Asian girl after a little while she said, sex, sex, sex, free, sex for you. Her friend quickly pointed out that she was giving me her phone number 666-3642
*returns lost dog* Lady: That's not him. He was white Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward
Some of my lowest points are when I try to "like" an email
Tip: If your parents are always criticizing you,,, ask them if the problem is bad genes or bad parenting.
Hey did you know a new medication came out for depressed lesbians? Tridixigin
Best joke in the world? Women's rights.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it's just a pigment of their imagination
Got a text from my girlfriend, thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.'  I wonder what ternative' means?
Be sure that you go straight home after school I can't I live just round the corner !
Friends: "I need a new profile picture." Me: "I need a new face."
What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common? They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
If McDonald's was smart they'd serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Why do Nazis love Vinyls? Cause you can turn the tables from 45 to 33.
STEVE: "Wanna go star gazing tonight?" ME: "What is that? Like a sci fi movie?" S: "No we watch stars." M: "Wars or Trek?"
The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn't do it. They said I couldn't fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right
Why can lesbians leave town faster than gay men? A lesbian can just lickitey-split, a gay man has to pack his shit first.
Why did the nose run? It did snot want to be late
Well, add 'making a simple phone call' to the list of 'things that give me panic attacks'.
I've found a diner. Or maybe it's a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.
A man was arrested for masturbating on a plane. The charge was highjacking, but he got off.
A keytar walks into a bar... And the barkeeper tells him: 'Get lost, we don't serve your type in here...' 'Why not?' ask the instrument. 'Well, you're obviously off your rocker.'
Tim Howard has been America's best goalkeeper since Sylvester Stallone in 1945.
what picture is guaranteed to make the front page of Reddit? Bernie Sanders sitting on a mildly interesting toilet while playing fallout 4
Jesus: *resurrected* Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.
That awkward moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made sandwiches.
Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
What's the difference between a baby and a window You can't rape a window
What kind of lizard goes into salad? A Salad-Mander! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHILARIOUS
How many Brazilians does it take to change a lightbulb? One Brazillion.
I thought I was watching 50 shades of Grey But I realised it was just a porno. I could tell the difference because they were having consensual sex.
People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it won't come anyways.
The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced. -me, driving in England
What's the difference between you and a naked ringneck? One's a plucked pheasant, and I don't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?... ......Roberto
You are what you eat... ...said one squirrel to another. The other said in disbelief, "You're nuts."
What's the best thing about having sex with an 8 year old girl? When you're done, you can flip her over and pretend you're having sex with an 8 year old boy...
I heard it's impossible to ban Tank tops in the US... Something about the right to bare arms...
[scrabble] BATMAN: pass SUPERMAN: again? BATMAN: can't spell anything SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.
What are the odds? Daughter: Dad, I'm a lesbian Dad: Its cool 2nd Daughter: Dad, I'm also a lesbian Dad: OMG! Does anyone in this family like dick? Son: I do!"
Accidentally sent a guy a ;) instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
How can the blind not see... Get rid of the Jews if he can't see what color their eyes are?
"TALIBAN OFFICIAL ACCIDENTALLY SENDS OUT COLLEAGUES' EMAIL ADDRESSES" Apparently, he hit "Reply Allah". Heyoooooooo!!!
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
What should you not put in the washer with a load full of towels? A towel full of loads
Direct quote from my daughter: "I know horses can play soccer really well because they're fast." Thank god she's pretty.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? bison
If any one is starting a band, let me know, I'm really good at taking pictures while looking off in the distance.
There's no cool way to chase a bouncing ping pong ball.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength ME: ... INTERVIEWER: ... ME (38 minutes later): I'd say promptness
Hey, have you heard this new joke? You just reddit.
Someone told me Trump is in bed with Russia. And that someone is Putin it in.
What military branch has the largest biceps? The Army.
Mickey Mouse divorces Minnie Mouse "Mickey Mouse, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she was.... extremely silly? "No, I said she was fucking goofy."
Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
James Bond is the type of top secret spy who announces who he is, then shoots everyone and sets off a bomb while doing absolutely no spying.
What's the difference between Jesus and my dad? Jesus promised to come back one day...
LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench BENCH: I have a boyfriend
What do you call an anarchist grandmother who just found out she's pregnant? Rebel without a menopause.
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because Windows 7 8 9.
[First Date] Me: *licks corner of napkin* Me: *dabs at his cheek* Him: ............... Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
'They'll be searching for days!' I giggle as I leave 'sorry bout the damage notes' on random cars at the Costco
boys love mysterious girls so don't be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
Bus passenger: I'd like a ticket to New York  please. Ticket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not I'm in the bus queue aren't I?
When I got back from Vietnam people asked how I could shoot women and children...I told them, "it's easy you just don't lead as much"
What's a Pedophile's Favorite Part about Hockey? Getting there before the first period.
What's the hardest object in a kids playground? My penis.
Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short
I joked about a robot uprising until I waved at an automatic paper towel dispenser and nothing happened. THEY'RE EVOLVING INTO PRETTY GIRLS!
A farmer asked me for help with his chickens He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?" I said "Sure... 90."
My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present. So far she's getting a McChicken.
Where do ghosts live? At the dead end.
What if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really Us just being pushed out of a vagina into our next life?
[Blazing hot day] Don't forget to take a jacket, it might get cold. ~ My mom.
What did the parrot say on Independence Day? Polly wants a firecracker!
What do you call a lesbian with 1,000 semi-automatic guns? Militia Etheridge.
A man goes to the zoo, and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog... it was a shitzu
[at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Ahhhhh A man was taking a crap and the water splashed his butt and he yelled ahhh toilet monster and ran out in the middle of the road butt naked and got run over.
I called a Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't? A: Her navel.
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Did you see the news about the Governor of Alabama's mansion burning down? Damn near took out the entire trailer park.
What's fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels? Father Christmas on roller skates!
What's the difference between my dick and a motorcycle? Your mom hasn't ridden a motorcycle
When people tell me, "It's easy as Pi" I tell them that they're being irrational
Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn't notice when I haven't moved my mouse in an hour.
What is common between 5 and 7? Brendan Sullivan
What did Holly Holm say to Ronda Rousey's date to the Marine Corps Ball? I hit that.
What is the best thing to take when  you're run over? The number of the car that hit you.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
after a long day of respecting women I like 2 sit down and ponder how I'm goin 2 respect them the next day
She asked if I thought she was a 10... ...I told her she's more like a 14, cause she's the most basic bitch I've ever met.
"Omg there's a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant"- no one, ever.
What do you call a man with no body and a nose ? Nobody knows!
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? Because he only comes ones a year &amp; when he does its in a chimney!
"My homework ate my dog" -student in python breeding class
Why did the drunkard ride the escalator To lift his spirits
Two flies are on a wall... One looks at the other one and says, "Hey, your human is open".
I hate how there's virgin olive oil and there's extra virgin olive oil. There was either a dick in it or there wasn't. There's no such thing as extra lack of penis.
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? (Gagging on big cock noise)
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it's health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Saw some cows just standing around in a field doing absolutely nothing. Get a job, hippies.
Justice Scalia Dead Following 30-Year Battle With Social Progress Onion EDIT: removed hyperlink
Yo mama head so big it shows up on radar.
So I ordered a sex toy online. It was so good, even the mail came.
I'll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous... Canada.
What animal is faster than a cheetah? A cow dropped out of a helicopter.
What rock group has four guys and no singers? Mt. Rushmore! Happy presidents day! http://i.imgur.com/N8LF0HU.png
What did the Jew say when he evaded the Nazi officers? Auschwitz! That was close!
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
The wife asks her husband -What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman? -Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ammonia ! Ammonia who ? Ammonia a poor little sparrow !
The lord said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life"... But John came in fifth and won a toaster instead.
What do you call a female Israelite? A Shebrew
My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It's like I'm following HER around. It's ridiculous.
When I was a kid, if I wanted to jerk off, I had to use a Sears catalogue But now, with the internet, when I want to jerk off, I can just go to Sears.com.
Remember when phones were fat and people were thin
What kind of music can't Ed Sheeran play? Soul
If you don't have company or a package coming, don't answer the doorbell. You're nobody's bitch.
[creating humans] God: They will have a powerful immune system Assistant: Boring God: ok some will die from eating a peanut A: Nice, nice
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The masochist says to the sadist... "Hit me." The Sadist says, "No."
I used to make arrow in the knee jokes... ...
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Rotten eggs
"Tony, why do you always go around spelling your name backwards?" Tony: "Why not?"
How many Frenchman does it take to defend France? I don't know. They've never tried.
Pickpocketing rates are so high in Barcelona, after browsing Street View my PayPal account got emptied.
The average person has sex 89 times a year It's gunna be one hell of a week for me.
I tried to become a proctologist but it was a real pain in the ass.
If you've already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?
New band. I'm starting a new band with 5 homosexual Mexicans. Juan Direction.
Reporter: My editor sent me to do the burglary. Policeman: You're too late - it's already been done.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle? He was stumped.
Want to hear a joke? Donald Trump. Oh wait it's not funny anymore.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they'll call you in the morning!
Rugby... if it was easy, it would be called your mom.
Why didn't the lesbians go shopping for sports equipment? Because they don't like Dicks.
Where does a mansplainer get his water? From a well, actually...
So what if I don't have a perfect body?! I'm way better off than I was when I started. Ya know, a baby that used to shit his pants. I do that way less now.
What's the worst part about locking your keys in the car in an abortion clinic parking lot? Going inside to ask for a hanger.
I child proofed my entire house... and they still got in
I wanted to bake you a bundt... but I was stopped by anti-caking agents.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen? Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room...
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Why wasn't Thor invited to his brother's surprise party? Odin wanted to keep it 'Loki'.
Dear God, thank you for not giving spiders wings.
What did Peter rabbit say to his girlfriend when they broke up? "Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."
What is the difference between a Caucasian and an Asian? A Cauc.
Rape in an elevator is wrong.... on so many levels
The "we're going to need a bigger boat" scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[Friday Night] WIFE: Have fun at poker ME {stopping at door}: What did you say? W: Have fun ME: After that W: Uh...at poker- ME: IT'S POKEMON
How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ? With their eyes shut !
Have you heard the one about Ron Jeremy's penis? It's a real knee slapper.
Why did Harrison Ford Crash his plane? because he was flying solo and went look no hans...
It is said that, you can't buy happiness. You only need to know the right places...
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water? If it sinks = girl ant. If it floats = buoyant.
What do you call a man with a small penis? Justin
Its funny how chocolate can make your clothes shrink
An Asian boy come home from the doctor and he tells his dad... Son: Dad the doctor said I'm allergic to bees Dad: That good, now you can only get A
Two WWE fans walk into a fight club They promptly get the shit beat out of them. Moral: Just because it's "good" entertainment does not mean an RKO will help you win a real fight
Boarding from what gate?
I hear voices in my head sometimes. I just ignore them and keep killing people.
American Top Gear
(Entire joke within) Made you look.
Is it gay when the Doublemint Twins make out? Naw, they're just exspearminting.
Billions of years from now, Star Jones will expand and collapse in a brilliant explosion of cosmic matter and become Black Hole Jones.
What did the dwarf pimp say to the two prostitutes at the beginning of the night? Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go
If you're sad &amp; lonely If you're sad, lonely &amp; home alone always watch good horror movie &amp; you will feel someone's presence with you.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff? tequila!
I was telling a joke to my friend with dwarfism I became pretty awkward because it went right over his head.
Why was Jesus not born in Australia? Because God could not find three wise men and a virgin.
It's really hard to explain that your eyes are really red from allergies and not weed when you're buying cupcakes and a pound of Doritos.
Q: How did the hermit pay for his home? A: Alone.
Tesla Motors started a brand of cologne. They call it Elon Musk.
Why does KFC only sell christian chicken? Because the muslim ones are on the no-fry list.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only "disappointed" in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I've survived the end of the world.
How many Hilary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None- they prefer to be kept in the dark
What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat
How does Boomhower describe the Genitals of the Lieutenant from the Reno Police Department? Dang ol' Dangle dangle.
The Packers or the Colts. Take your Pick
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
Hat did one prick say to the other prick? Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts!
Why is Peter pan always flying? Because he NEVERLANDS. This joke is great because it never grows old.
tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
If a meteor goes to a restaurant, Would he prefer his sandwich to be vegan, or even meteor?
Why does nobody ever talk about Jack the Ripper's sleazier French cousin? Jock the stripper.
Booster cables are racist Because being black is negative.
Johnny Bravo would be so perfect for Jersey shore.
What do you call the sweat on you while you're having sex with your wife's sister? Relative humidity
How does a dark-skinned boy have light-skinned hands? ...because paint! -my four-year-old daughter.
Babies are the most helpless & vulnerable of humans, it's fked up that they're the only humans you're allowed to just throw into the air.
So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the opposite of what you told them.
"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..." "...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events."
I was raping a woman the other night and she cried out, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch
Get all the protein you can before you die because there's no whey in Hell
Nsfw how do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dust pan.
A man walks into a library and asks "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one."
As I was leaving the club last night . . . . . . A male stripper suggestively swiveled his banana hammock in my direction. I'm flattered, but it was still kind of a dick move.
George Lucas, the creator of "Star Wars," is 70 years old today. George didn't bother celebrating. He spent the day making unnecessary changes to all his earlier birthdays.
Why did the woman take her third aborted fetus to see the priest on Sunday? Half Life 3 Confirmed!
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cos it was the right answer...
My Uncle said this now that there are two popes Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on. The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?"
Mom: You need to get a hobby. Me: Like photography? Mom: I don't think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.
What do you call a snobby thief running down your stairs? A condescending con descending.
Knock knock Who's there? Probably a murderer because it's 2015 and a normal human being would just text "here"
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank] ME: here ya go little buddies FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.
I just went to the bathroom without my phone. I had to read shampoo bottles like it was 1999.
Sour cream is Mexican ketchup. I put that shit on everything.
"Everything I touch just turns to shit!" - Large intestines
Roses are Red, Violets are blue... "Gorilla shot at Cincinnati Zoo."
Two grains of sand were walking together in the desert. Suddenly, one turned to the other and said, "Dude, I think we're being followed."
Someone call a knight in shining armor... cuz today's a draggin.
I will be the first president who is openly mentally ill
9 out of 10 people agree that it's weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.
I tried taking Viagara the other day... I must not have swallowed it fast enough, because man oh man was my neck stiff!
Nobody's going to see a sticker on a telephone pole and then become a fan of your band.
Rhetorical is still a word, right?
You know what's pretty much the same as 9/11? 0.81818
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up their chin in cement? Not enough cement
How many Grateful Dead Fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just watch it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? The box said 2-4 years!
How do you keep a black person from drowning? You don't
Osama Bin Laden tried his hand as a movie reviewer before settling on global terrorism... Unfortunately, he always gave films the same rating: 9/11.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Inertia
Cop: license and registration. Me: I don't carry my drivers license so I don't lose it. Cop: where is it? Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Leading up to the wedding (NAME) has been on a whiskey diet. His lost three days already.
"You know, I'm doomed to get eternal damnation to the Hell" said Edward Cullen. -- Because you are a vampire, creature of Night and Darkness? -- No, because I'm an atheist.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? an Investigator
if you're havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they're all bottles of beer on the wall
me: God? God: yes my child me: I need help- God: ask and thou shall receive me: -moving into my new apt God: me: God: me: hello?
Are you alright? No. You're all....left
How to piss off an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him to determine the period.
I used to cry when my dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog, I miss him.
A genie appears to a blonde woman and offers her one wish. The blonde says "You know, I've slept with more men than I can count. I wish I knew exactly how many it was." The Genie replies "Four."
These jokes about.....
Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."
What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas? Cancer
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Everyone can roast beef
Who was the world's first carpenter? Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand.
My father used to be a soap dealer... ...Don't worry, he's squeaky clean now.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Jesus wrote a play about a tornado. It was an Act of God.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
If you ever say 'I seen' in a sentence. I will never sleep with you. Under any circumstances. Ever.* *including zombie apocalypse
*takes coffee from hot barista *makes eye contact *smiles *winks *sips scalding coffee "Thankth, thexy! Theeya!" *walks outside *screams
Be nice to kids. Seriously, they have guns now.
Why do black people talk funny? They don't, it's a miff.
Who is Jay Gatsby's favorite superhero? Green Lantern. And his least favorite? Deadpool.
*around a fire* There used to be no iMessage *kids gasp* "So there were a lot of green messages?" THEY WERE ALL GREEN MESSAGES *kids scream*
In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon. I just feel that they would make a greater impact.
"Moooooooo" - bilingual donkey
A man was caught beating up an innocent person on the street. He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
[Commercial for babies] *100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk* "There's got to be a better way"
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If I find myself at Paula Deen's house, I'll be sure to stay out of the kitchen. There's an oven in there. Jews in Stews #paulasbestdishes
What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep? "He's resisting a rest!"
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I've just been to a concert starring the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.
Me: I played this as a kid. It's from back when video games made sense 6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle? Me: Because I'm a plumber
CAT VAMPIRE: let me in! ME: ok CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl- ME: *closes door* CAT VAMPIRE: ... CAT VAMPIRE: let me out
I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I'd like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me. 2yo: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 2yo: I don't know. *leaves
Bought some shoes from my drug dealer. idk what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
There are three types of people in the world. Those that understand math and those that don't.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I'll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this... Lucky guess.
What do you call a group of black people? a group, you racist.
What is he only Jewish bird in the entire bird kingdom? The segal
ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary. BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?
I was so poor growing up... For my 12th birthday, I got half a cake with 6 candles next to a mirror.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 
q: what's brown and sits on the piano, steaming ? a: Beethoven's 1st movement.
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2: One to screw in the bulb, and one to hold the penis... LADDER, I MEAN LADDER!
What is irony? When the last person you want to see is the last person you see.
Let's hope no one builds a convenience store inside a volcano because that doesn't seem like it would be convenient at all.
How is having sex with a woman and eating at KFC similar? After you're done with the juicy breasts and the tender thighs, all there's left to do is to throw the bone in the greasy box.
It would have been way more anticlimactic if the video game had been called "Where in the World is Carmen? San Diego."
Why was the astronaut so sore? He had a buildup of ga-lactic acid.
One farmer says to another farmer... "You can get more sales out of your crops by canning." The second farmer looks and says, "I know, I can. I can."
Toilets and Ketchup! Simply by leaving a few ketchup packets under the toilet seat, you've set the scene for a harmless prank that will leave the recipiant speechless!
*BUSTS DOWN DOOR* *Fires off jokes* *Kidnappers helpless in laughter* "..and that's how your granpappy saved baby Jesus." - Me, someday
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost! At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What do you call a pig making cookies? Bakin'!
I take my women like i take my stairs. Two at a time.
What do you call an Asian guy with a great work ethic? Task Oriental.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
The downside of robotic limb replacements is that they cost an arm and a leg The upside of robotic limb replacements is that they cost an arm and a leg
Why are divorces so damn expensive? Because they are fucking worth it!
What do people in the hood enjoy eating? Spaghetto
The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.
Covering the newest trump scandle in class Teacher: there are some things that guys compare in the locker room Me: like hand size
A couple were having sex for the first time The girl starts to complain. Girl: Why didn't you tell me you have a small guitar? Boy:Because you didn't tell me I would be performing in a hall
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in west virginia? if it was invented anywhere else it would be the teethbrush idk how this got a dirty label
I am woman hear me ROAAAoh is that chocolate?
What do Little Miss Moffat and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have curds in their whey.
Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.
What came in the mail today? Anthrax.
After a dinner party ...while taking plates to the kitchen my guest asked if the dishwasher was dirty. I said no, I believe she showered before dinner.
The reason iPad has no camera is that there's no way to take a good pic while laughing at how goofy you'd look using it as a big ass camera.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Studies show that a lot of women turn into good drivers So If you're a good driver, look out for women turning
Life is like a box of condoms... I haven't done anything with mine yet.
If during the first five minutes of meeting a new person, he doesn't tell you he is a vegetarian... He is not a vegetarian.
What did the father of a dog family tell his son after he made a racist joke In this family we don't see colors, son.
White ppl be like "What's the return policy on this umbrella?"
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand ...and says, "Make me one with everything."
What do you call the mineral found in teeth and tooth enamel? Apatite.
Don't tell my girlfriend but I'm the one who's been eating the soap
My penis is so big, it goes from A to Z! As long as we're talking about my keyboard.
Have I ever taught you South american Judo? Judo know if I have a knife, Judo know if I got a gun.
knock knock! who's there? i eat mop... :]
I'm having one of those off days For example, this morning, I made a bowl of cereal, but instead of putting the milk back in the fridge and the cereal back in the pantry, I fucked my neighbors wife
What is it called when you ride around on a horse asking people questions? A gallop poll.
I can sing a rainbow.. Grey and grey and grey and grey, Grey and grey and grey... I can sing a woodlouse... Kudos to Bill Bailey.
A Latvian Haiku Where is potatoes? This winter is very cold. Family is starve.
mum is mad that she bought me a treadmill & i never use it. shes wrong; i put a burger on it just this morning and had it zoom into my mouth
When is a fetus viable? To a Christian, it's the moment of conception. To a Jew, it's when he graduates from medical school. -my mom heard this on the radio
In "Captain Sully", technically speaking, Tom Hanks did not fly a plane on to the Hudson River That was falling with style
It should be legal to shoot people who speed up only to keep you from passing.
I once told a guy I was going to attack him with the neck of a guitar... The guy said, "IS THAT A FRET?"
Why did the man cross the road? Because his dick was in the chicken!
Thinking ab including nude photos of me in my Tinder profile to weed out women who vomit easily
What's the worst thing to say to a friend you see on a plane? Hi Jack!
What's common to the cockpit of a modern fighter aircraft and the inside of a headhunter's hut? The heads-up display
How do you get an emo out of a tree? Untie the rope...
Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony? He kept getting in everyone's hair.
A man ran into a hospital and yelled, "I have only 59 seconds to live."The receptionist said, "Just a minute, please."
There was a blackout in my town last night It's okay I called the police.
5 out of 5 coworkers think I should be wearing pants. All of them are from HR though, and who knew they could get to my cubicle that fast.
8 out of 6 people think I'm terrible at math.
What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas? I don't know, he couldn't open it.
I stash my weed in the middle of a bunch of Russian nesting dolls so when the cops are searching for it they give up like after 5 dolls.
To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
What's the difference between a prostitute's vagina and r/Jokes? The vagina gets new, *original* content injected into it regularly.
Important Message for Every MAN if you MARRY ONE WOMAN She will fight with you... But if you MARRY TWO WOMAN they will fight for you :D So! Think Different... Add Wife... Have Life... ;)
What's the difference between a corvette and a blowjob? Your mom didn't give me a corvette
An app like Tinder that can find me episodes of Law & Order SVU I haven't seen.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Since instagram is down I'm not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
What type of dog did the tweaker have? A pure bred meth lab.
I may be a terrible lover with a tiny penis... ... but the ladies who know me say I can hold my own.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future? ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don't hire Cheryl
"You are accused of polygamy" "And who pressed charges? "Your wife" "Which one exactly?"
Why Can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is Silent!
My son can go from "omg...you're impossible I can't wait until I'm 18!" To "you're the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
'ey girl, you remind me of my homework... Because I'm not going to do you. I'm just too lazy.
Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.
I'm white and my wife is black. I'm trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that's how they are made
Just a small joke Your penis
Did you ever hear about the vegan, the atheist, and the crossfitter who walked into a bar together? I don't know how you haven't heard about them, they told everyone.
The Beatles were so full of shit. They only used that yellow submarine residence for tax purposes.
You only live once! So never, ever, do anything risky and fuck this up.
What do you call a person who consume too much spicy good? Butthurt.
Have you heard about one direction? It looks they took different directions
I hit the snooze button so many times this morning I think we might be engaged now
What kind of pants does agent Mulder wear? Just a pair 'a normal pants.
An atheist, a vegan, and a Crossfitter walked into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
What's the name of that German Video game with the polite gorilla? Danke Kong
I like my coffee that way i like my slaves... Free
Fat girl on a table I went to bar , and there was a fat girl dancing on the tables " nice legs" I said " you think so?" She replied " Sure,most tables would have collapsed by now!"
What does an agnostic man with insomnia and dyslexia do in his free time? He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
The hipster aesthetic is the best thing to ever happen to ugly people.
My computer crashed. Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets? Only thyme will tell.
Tits are like Lego bricks... They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
How do you circumcise a red-neck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
A DJ that's a cat! So cute! But you know what's not cute? *clicks to next slide* Our reliance on rapidly depleting fossil fuels.
The True Secret of Ignorance... ...you're looking in the wrong place.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
What does Melania see in Donald Trump? 10 billion dollars and high Cholesterol
Judas: Still on for Friday? "Jesus: Friday?" "Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper." "Jesus: The what?" "Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas."
Why are astronauts successful people ?  Because they always go up in the world !
Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.
Why do java developers always wear eyeglasses? Because they dont C#
Women are like potato chips... They better come with my sandwich.
What is it called when you give money to a plains bison? A buffaloan!
An irishman walked into a bar it's not funny, I should have been in work today.
Happy Fathers Day to all you mother fuckers!
Why shouldn't you buy Ukrainian underpants? Cos Chernobyl fall out
She was like "wrong hole", so I said "adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn't knitting quilts Velma", long story short I'm still single.
What's a Christian's favourite guitar chord? G-sus
Why doesn't anyone ever add Paul Walker on Xbox? He spends all of his time on the dashboard.
I'm beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
McD's drive thru: Welcome back. Me: Welcome back? That's pretty presumptuous. MDT: ... M: ... MDT: The usual? Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Why don't black people get sunburns? Prisons are indoors. *(sorry black redditors)*
Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.
19 and 20 got into a fight 21
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other? I didn't know we lived on the same block.
I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
[Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT
Why are the saxophone afraid of the trombone? Because the trombone is a sax offender.
"Frosted Flakes aren't just good, GURLl! They're FABULOUS! (snap)" - Antoine the Tiger, Tony's gay brother, auditioning for the role
15 reasons I really hate clickbait jokes. You won't believe what I say in number 7! It'll make your day!
I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
There are 2 things I love about women... Tits
*Evanescence* (Buy two hams!) Buy two hams right now! (I need two hams!) I need two sopping hams (SAAAAVE ME)
What do you call it when a frog jumps off a bridge? Kermitting suicide.
A straight rooster says "coco doodle doo", a gay rooster says... ANY COCKLEDOO!
What did the pilot say to the Vietnamese mechanic underneath the plane? " "You are the Nguyen beneath my wings"
Two birds are sat on a perch, when one says to the other.. "Do you smell fish?"
Men couldn't be trusted with multiple orgasms. I've seen the mess they make with one.
I work in a call center and a customer told me this one. A lonely man puts in ad out in the paper looking for a wife. the next day he gets 100 responses all from men saying "you can have mine"
Have you ever eaten a clock before? It's very time consuming.
What do you call 5 guys who have no arms or legs and a woman floating in the water together? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Ann
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? none, that's a hardware problem.
A little girl asks her grandad... "Would you make a frog noise for me?" The grandad, confused asks, "why?" The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but i've been tripping all day!
The secret to becoming a millionaire... Is by being a billionaire, then starting an airline.
What do you call a troop of rabbits marching single-file in reverse? A receding hare line.
I love watching kids running in the park... They have no idea I'm shooting blanks
Religion is like a man's penis. It's okay to have one, it's fine to be proud of it, but don't go around shoving it in people's faces and jamming it down children's throats.
Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff? Tequila
Girlfriend: "Does this dress make me look fat?" Me: "Stop blaming the dresses.
I always mean what I say. Sometimes, I didn't mean to say it out loud.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
An ice cream truck flips over on the highway, what does it leave? A Rocky Road
MAMA Be quiet Freddie JUST KILLED A MAN As your lawyer I- PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD Just- PULLED THE TRIGGER- We plead guilty, Your Honor
What did Simba say to his dad when he was moving too slow? Mufasa!
Summary of all famous dancing movies. You better step up and save the last dance before you get served stomping the yard, honey.
I laughed a lot harder than I should have Man: do you know why fat people are so comfortable? Lady: why? Man : because they eat so much comfort food
Whats the dumbest animal in the jungle? Polar bear
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn't make the cut.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.
Using a hot dog bun as a wallet
What do you get from a short-legged cow?  Dragon milk!
Never answer knocking at your door. It's always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
What should female robots NOT come standard with. A sound card...
What happened when a man fell in love with a grand piano? He said "Darling you've got lovely teeth."
What has nine arms and blows? Def Leppard
Iron Man is a superhero Iron Woman is a command.
What is the most popular bank in Wales? Welsh Fargo... ...gramps made me do it.
No pain no gain but also no pain no pain.
My 4 year old nephew's favourite joke. Knock knock! who's there? Europe. Europe who? No, You're a poo! Followed by devious laughter.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human? thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom? A fake name
The bra my boyfriend gave me is really uncomfortable. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.
Got my right hand a Valentines Day card. Had to sign it with my left hand so it will be a surprise.
Do you know why black people are so good at basketball? Because they steal, shoot, and run!
Why did the man clean up after getting a sex change? He felt disorganized.
How do make a hipster sweat... make 'em wear a wool sweater before it was cool.
There was a kidnapping earlier today But then he woke up
What do you call an asshole who can see the future? A 4chan teller
You shouldn't personify inanimate objects. They hate it when you do that.
What do you call The Dynamic Duo after they got hit by a steamroller? Flatman and Ribbon
When I fight Authority, Authority always makes me submit a lot of paperwork.
How much Blow Can Charlie Sheen Do?.. ..... Enough to kill 2 and 1/2 Men
What did Montenegro's internet domain name say when it broke up with Yugoslavia? It's not yu it's me.
My fine art and fragrances business has failed. The perfumes sold well, but I didn't really know how to market the paintings I'd bought. I've got more Monet than scents
You never realize how much you love sleeping until you have to wake up in the morning.
Coworker just asked me if I'm "working hard or hardly working" & now I'm standing over him asking if he's "bleeding bad or badly bleeding?"
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you're not a psychopath.
What's Hitler's least favorite month? Jewn
I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Is it just a coincidence that you turn purple when you choke? skol
Never give a Roman a high five. Or he'll give you a HIV.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress* *puts on ballerina shoes* *puts on ballerina tiara* Me: Who are you supposed to be? 4: A ninja.
Why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past? It had a SPOILER on it.
I understand feminism My wife gets to decide what she cooks for me!
If you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Sometimes, when I think of a book I touch my shelf
Give a boy a fish, he eats for a day. Give Albert Fish a boy, he eats for a week.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall. We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.
Request: Your best British vs American jokes Reading jokes it occurs to me how different humour is on the other side of the pond. What's your favourite British vs American jokes?
What is a detective duck supposed to do? Quack the case! I'll show myself out.
My wife said something that meant a lot to me. "500 trillion."
Me: My friend really likes you. Her: I'm a lesbian. Me: Ah ok... Her: ... Me: ... Her: ... Me: So... What part of Lesbia are you from?
People call me "big", "dumb", and "stupid", which confuses me because I'm actually not very big
What do you call it when a deer and a rabbit runaway together? Jackaloping
Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow? Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!
He drove his car into a tree And found out how the Mercedes bends
Why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly? They want to finish before it's cool.
In conclusion, members of the board, I'm sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I hate Windows Embedded systems so much... They make me WinCE
Chantelle has 756 friends on Facebook. She adds 122, what does she have? Huge tits.
What do you call a cow that stopped producing milk? An udder failure.
I had anal sex and my sperm were so confused They tried to fertilize a piece of corn.
A defendant showed his small penis to the court to prove that he's innocent of rape The judge decided that it wouldn't stand up
How do people with acid reflux complain? errr mer GERD
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren't meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle....
I don't wanna sound like a dick, but let me just say this:
If Lance Armstrong can't keep his awards he should just take his ball and go home.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I've removed myself from his king sized bed.
My father owned a body removal business He lifted a lot of dead weight
What happened to the hippy chemistry teacher when he spilled his chemicals? He tripped on acid
[NSFW] What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
How does Furious 7 end? Paul Walker dies.
I peeled off the sticker that said "Don't consume alcohol while on medication." I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
Is the word "necessarily" exclusively proceeded by the word "not"? Not necessarily.
Dad, I can't drink from this mug... - ...it has no opening! - You are right,son. And besides this, it has no bottom!
Cats &amp; Movies What did the cat do when he didn't want to watch the movie? He paws-ed it!
There are a billion people in China. Just think how many more there would be if the women had bigger tits.
Amy Schumer has died in a gravy flood she got her ears pierced.
Me: Tell me about your weekend. Bob: Why? You never ask. Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative. Bob: That's disgus- Me: It worked! Bye.
I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now.
*hires skywriter* YOU CAN'T BLOCK ME
Intellectual. A man who can explain electricity but doesn't know how to screw in a light bulb.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you're the one that farted
My friend was quite a colorful character... His name was Hugh
I have a fetish fetish. Things that turn me on turn me on.
Me: I haven't tweeted in days. Wife: Oh no! Hold on... *opens laptop *types Wife: Phew! Me: What? Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Rape Hotline I called the rape advice hotline. I didn't realize it was for victims.
Pot has never been proven harmful to humans, but the way it makes those huge holes in the street has to give you pause.
I'll miss 10:10 on 10-10-10 but I'm sure it will be amazing for people sitting by the clock watching it all happen.
Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 39 seconds.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb? A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
People that say "we're not even white, we're pink" obviously haven't seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? How was your date with Chris Brown.
Do twins have the same size penis? It's a valid question. I'm sleeping with one and really hope the other brother is doing better
My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like  that".
Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call!
"Are you from Cincinnati?" "No. Bosboston."
I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.
What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place
I just went to see the local police chief give a talk on heroin. I couldn't understand a word he said
What do you call a depressed gang member? An emoji... Emo g, get it? From my 13 year old son
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses! Your baby? Boom. It's a mummy. Your dog? Boom. Mummydog. This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
How many people at a Music Festival does it take to screw in a light bulb? Zero, its already lit
What if texting broke for a month society would be like uhhhhhjjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhh "hello may I please speak to so and so" all nervous and shit
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!
I know why all those Galaxy Note Sevens keep catching fire! My mix tape comes pre-installed on them.
Japan just had an earthquake, I saw it on TV. It was a ground breaking news
A priest , a rabbi and the Pope walk into a bar... the bartender says "Is this some kinda joke?
My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front. Credit Evan Sayet.
I wish my x was raised in the power of 2. Then she'd always be positive.
What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? [nsfw] At least when you are eating pussy, you can see the asshole infront of you.
How do you obtain Kate Upton's nudes? Easy, go on Twitter right now.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh? Ten Tickles
Did you know that Kennedy was a sex addict? I guess that's why they call it the 'White' House (   )
How does a Metal Wizard perform his spells? He ChromeCasts. anDruid humor.
Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire? A Snowman.
And tonights weather: Dark.
How is being a middle manager like being stuck in a tree full of monkeys? Whenever you look down, all you see is grinning faces. Whenever you look up, all you see is assholes.
Did you guys hear that Ellen Degeneres died? Yeah, they found her face down in Ricki Lake.
A mime once nearly had me convinced that a wall was actually there... ...but it was just an obstacle illusion.
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Just check her arm
Why no, stranger, I CAN'T believe how early it gets dark now despite the fact this phenomena has occurred every single  year of my existence.
What's fat and hairy and lives under a bridge? A troll, but here in r/Jokes we call them feminists
An upvote is like a minute of sex. I'd like 1000, but I can only muster 5.
I just call everyone viewers...... so I won't mistake their gender.
I like to wipe my ass like I drive. Stopping only on red.
Who is Jason Waterfalls? And why don't they want him to go?
How did they improve the transportation in Harlem? Moved the trees closer together.
What did the police say to the hot dog? You are under arrest.
What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move? Nah, mastay
A Dutch man is talking to his American friend... A Dutch man is talking to his American friend and says "I fuck horses" The American, astonished says, "Pardon?!" The Dutch man goes "Yes! Paarden!"
I think it was stupid of David Bowie keeping his cancer a secret. The amount of likes he would have got on Facebook would have saved him ten times over.
I'm Not Arguing. I'm Simply Explaining Why I'm Right.-Women
I need a joke. I need a quick joke to tell Dennis tomorrow. He always tells me a good one and I want to hit him back with a good one.
love is like a fart If you have to force it, it's shit
So how many abortions do you have to have before you can go "pro"?
At first I wondered.. How on earth does Hillary Clinton sleep at night? Then I realised - First she *lies* on one side, then she *lies* on the other.
Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That's how I feel during football season.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask? Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face* Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Our daughter ran away from home once when she was a teenager. We were frantic. Within months, we called the police to report her missing.
Plutonium smells just like shit. Pu.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
let me uncover this truth son-of-a-bitch
My wife said "I bet you can't go a whole day without telling a period joke."I said "You're on."
You should always stay the night with a farmer's daughter... Their morning routine begins with a cock in their ear.
What's the difference between a cow and the Twin Towers? You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
I was asleep in a forest... ...Then suddenly woke up and saw a grizzly bent over my face. Bear ass.
I know it's gross, but the only time it's acceptable to shout 'I have diarrhoea' is when playing scrabble. Because it's worth a shit load of points. - Zach Galifianakis.
Why does the snoop dog bring an umbrella? For the drizzle
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher? It wasn't her job to educate people.
Watts a homonym?
I was arrested yesterday for stealing eggs. I could've sworn they were free range.
My mood ring was recently stolen. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
A police officer respectfully acknowledges a black man as the man walks past the police station Title
How do NASA organize a party? They planet
Our Uber driver is literally participating in our conversation as if he's a full-fledged part of it. It's odd.
Obi-Wan captured a Sith and bring him to Yoda. Obi-Wan: Should I kill the Sith or let him go? Yoda: Kill him... \*Obi-Wan executes the Sith.\* Yoda: ...you must not.
Analysts are suprised Chris Christie ran for president in the first place They thought he'd walk
Where do you find an old Onion article? In thier archives.
Do you like tapes and CDs? If yes, can I tape my dick to your forehead so you can CDs nuts?
What do dogs have that no other animal has ? Puppy dogs !
My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician
What did the human torch say before he cooked the beef? **FILET MIGNON!**
Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals... ...because all their best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the United States.
cocaine jokes cracks me up all the time
Definition of a tree.... Something that spends 100 years growing so that it can jump out in front of unsuspecting women drivers
I thought about getting a brain transplant But then i changed my mind
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.
What would you call the mailman if he got fired? I don't know, just some dude.
Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.
What did the cannibal girl do after she dumped her boyfriend? Wiped her butt.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Campbell in the chin. He broke every bone in that leg.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking "Do you want these nuts?" and I'm not mature enough to be a parent.
Hear about the serial killer who was actually quite sensitive? He wore other people's hearts on his sleeve.
My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on. It was the Absolut wurst.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too......just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two but you're going to need a damn big lightbulb.
You treat me I treat you You heard the saying, treat people the way you want to be treated, we'll I say I will treat you the way you treat me! And that is real.
Imagine the PR nightmare if one of these pardoned turkeys goes on a killing spree.
Why did the thief killed himself after getting caught stealing instruments from an orchestra? He didn't have a safe Hayden place, and couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison.
My friends said I looked kinda like Hitler from the side I'm laterally Hitler
You know what my favorite type of cupholder is? A bra.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What's the best way to see a charging herd  of elephants ? On television !
People tell me soup is better with flavor cubes. But I don't put a lot of stock in that. Because of it, though, I was the victim of a lot of boullion.
If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say "like"
The reason your car won't go over 60 in the city is because you haven't yelled "HOLD ON!" yet.
I invented a new joke: I invented a new word: Plagiarism Edit: Plagerism
Its like they say, don't judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.
What do somolian pirates use as weapons? Arrrrpg's
I know I'm getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I'm not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One looks at the other and says "it sure is getting hot in here, whew!" The other muffin looks back and says "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!"
You were really beautiful until Your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.
How can you tell if a woman's had an orgasm? Who cares?
so a man is playing a violin in the middle of the jungle And a lion comes up and eats him. A tiger comes up and says "hey man why did you do that? It sounded beautiful" and the lion replied WHAT?
I really don't understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem. Chemically speaking, it's a solution.
Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Where are all the people that just have one sclerosis?
What is Harrison Ford called when he smokes weed? Han So-high.
I would like to tell you guys a joke... ...but I'd rather keep it about the film.
Damn girl, are you a Unix based printer? Because my lp0 is on fire!
This lesbian couple I'm friends with couldn't afford the double-headed dildo they wanted. They're really struggling to make ends meet.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs. Me: Wait, what - even macaroni & cheese? Trainer: Ya. Me: ...I think we should see other people.
I want to form a law practice specializing in sexual harassment suits against medical professionals... I'll call it "Doctors Without Boundaries"
Why didint Stalin like his new IPhone? It had a 5 year plan
People who generalize.. I find people who generalize to be complete idiots.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse ME: Ok MAGICIAN: You thinking of one? ME: Yep MAGICIAN: Cool right? ME: Very cool
Q: why you can't smoke weed with Mexicans A: Because when you ask them for papers they run away
i' ve just bought an house in France, southern coast. It' s very Nice.
Pedophiles... ... Are fucking immature assholes.
A man who is infatuated with soil... has a dirty fetish.
If 2 vegetarians argue... ... do they have beef?
Alternative "For every day that ends in why?" For every day that ends with your mom.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
What sound does a fratboy make when he hits the water? DOUCHE
I went to subway today, and they gave me the wrong sandwich oops, wrong sub.
We were called to the Paralympics this year. Several wheelchair athletes were caught using the banned substance WD40.
Original physics joke. I'm very proud. I was organizing my desk the other day and the Entropy Police gave me a ticket for disturbing the chaos.
What type of classical music do chickens like best? Bach.
My friend thought it would be funny to fake his own death... It was a hard thing for us to die-jest
"I'll sleep when I'm Ned!" -Exhausted pre-op who plans to go by Ned after the surgery
I was visiting a desserts factory last week when my girlfriend fell into the gelato machine Now she's sore bae.
What's Jay-z's favorite store? Bed, bath and Beyond-ce.
I kneed a knee pun Title says it all: any knee puns to go on a joke t-shirt for someone recovering post-acl surgery? Thanks!
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
When a dog is in heat, it means it wants sex. That is my defense!
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar? me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth] HR: me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.
Mommy Mommy (SA joke) Why is Daddy hanging in the cupboard? Shut up, and eat your biltong.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? Stick
A pirate walls into a bar And he has a ships wheel attached to his belt buckle. The bartender says "what's with the ships wheel on your belt buckle?" The pirate responds "Aaarr! It's drivin me nuts!"
Lesbians why do lesbians go to sports authority becuase they dont like dicks
There are two muffins in an oven. The one muffin says to the other one, "Woah, a silent muffin!"
Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn't Follow you back within 48 hours.
What is the Revenant about? The unbearable lengths one man will go to get his revenge and win an Oscar.
I'm in Germany. Time to drink precisely one bier (beer) and call every man "Hans"
knock knock ! Who's there ? The cops. The cops who ? "I'm sorry to tell you m'am but your son has passed away."
Yes, 911?... Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him...or her?
My Internet went on a date today He's going after that gache
We saw a patient in the emergency room today... He had fallen into an upholstering machine. It was touch and go for a while but... &amp;nbsp; ...he's fully recovered.
I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.
Why are white girls so odd? Because they can't even.
Why is 6 scared of 7? Cause 7 is a six offender
Mmmmm white people - sharks
What kind of room has no walls? A mushroom!
If he says "you're 1 in a million" it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
What is today's special at Google's employee cafeteria? Alphabet Soup.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.. 19 years old &amp; full of coke..
wow if you dont pronounce 'testicles' like its the name of a greek warrior
Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"
Tim's father has three sons: Snap, crackle, and...? Tim
See above is an understatement.
Attention fat vegans: Explain.
What do you call a stoner dinosaur? A Smokealottapottapus.
How many Tourette's syndrome sufferers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Damn fuck shit screw you dickhead just one asshole twat cocksucker.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common ? They both have 'the' as their middle names !
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car? Me: I don't know but if you do, I'm not sharing.
One thing I learned about sex. Before you do it, always, always, always make sure to.. ask. edit: not my joke. i forgot who i heard it from. english comedian.
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
I stayed up all night long to see where the sun went... ...then it dawned on me.
My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Why was the doctor so stressed out? He lost his patients...
What do rattlesnakes and condoms have in common? I don't fuck with either of them!
My fridge should be called Kraft... cos it's full of sliced singles, individually wrapped in plastic.
Quantum Mechanics Knock Knock joke quick one: knockknock who's there quantum mechanics quantum mechanics who? You won't know until you open the door O_O
What did the burger say to the other burger? "Aw man, it's my big moment, I'm getting served to someone! I hope I don't *ham* it up!" The other burger looks at him. "Holy shit, a talking burger."
The inventor of knock knock jokes should win a no-bell prize.
What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers? Your mother.
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium molecules? 2 na
Why should you never date an atom? The split is gonna be explosive
Sorry I ate that banana so slowly at your grandpa's funeral.
I went to an ice hockey game at the local leper colony There was a face off in the corner
Here is a complete list on how to build a single stair. Step 1
"are you drunk?" - everyone's response when i send a nice text
Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a pedophile? The pickpocket snatches watches. * * * * * The pedophile watches snatches
what's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
Why did the butcher get fired? For bringing home the bacon.
The heart attack when you're in bed almost sleeping, holding your phone in your hand and it suddenly vibrates.
Weed is the answer... .. when your parents tells you to be the highest among the rest of the students in your class.
r/jokes is like a guy with short term memory loss. No matter how many times you tell him the same joke, he'll still laugh like he's hearing it for the first time.
We have 20 people coming over to our house today, so my wife made me clean all week She's terrified someone will find out people live here.
And on the sixth day, God created man first so that he could enjoy a few minutes on Earth without saying the wrong thing to a woman.
Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday
Females will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.
What do you call a capitalist Bernie Sanders? Earning Sanders.
What kind of car does Hillary Clinton drive? A Subaru
Where's the red light district in Toronto? Behind the Maple Leafs' net.
"Um, thanks?" -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
Why was 9 afraid of 7? Because 7 had some PCP and was going ape shit!
What's the difference between jews and scouts? The scouts come home from the camp.
Why do people say that Canadians always want to establish that they're Canadian? As a Canadian, this offends me.
How is a woman like a condom? The both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What is it called when a person pretends to use the toilet. A sham poo.
I smiled today. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Where do rabbits settle their legal  disputes? In a pellet court!
I hate taking my paraplegic dog out for walks. It's a real drag.
Did you hear about the man that submitted all those entries to the pun contest? He was hoping one would take first place, but no pun  in ten  did.
Why did the terrorist cross the road? To send people to the other side.
They've been together for 28 years! DEEZ NUTS
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of "no caller ID" try something like "free shoes"
'What just cracked?' A guide to aging.
Geophysics Joke That argument is so weak, it can still be measured on the Richter Scale! Randomly popped into my head while watching an earthquake documentary.
Sex is like math Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply!
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden? Hide the ball it drives them nuts!
So I'm banging this chick and she looks back and me and says, "DADDY I'm CUMMINGGG".... So I say "Hi Cumming, I'm Dad".
If I were to tell you that we might go to war with friendly countries soon, well... allied.
Question: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Answer: A Lickalotopus.
Donald Trump says he can "protect the Constitution" Do people really think he can stop Nic Cage?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today... Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager.
I've replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes. Now we wait.
What's the second hardest thing in the morning? Getting out of the bed!
I rode the bus today..... and saw a girl on the bus wearing a Kappa Alpha Gamma sorority shirt. I went up to her and asked "Why are you on this bus? Aren't you supposed to be driving around in a car?"
The real difference between jelly and jam. I can't jelly my dick in your butt.
After my tweet conversation with you, I delete everything I wrote so you look like a crazy stalker.
Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.
Not to be racist but... Every movie is widescreen to Asian people.
And the Lord said unto John... "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth, and he won a toaster.
Want to hear the one about my penis..? You wouldn't get it... It's too long.
What do you call religious pasta? Raviholy.
what is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? snowballs...
I like my women like just like my cars 12 years old and made in Japan Edit: Made in the 90's and topless in the summer?
A woman goes to up to a bar and orders a Double Entrendre... So the barman gave her one.
I've been so drunk that homeless people give me their footlong sub. When they give it to me they whisper, "Get your shit together, rookie."
How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death? By investing in a shavings account.
How does the train eats ? Chew Cheww
If I was Snow White you'd never be able to kill me with an apple...you'd have to poison an eclair or something...
What's 3 inches long, stiff, and makes people laugh? My dick.
What type of cheese is strong? Shredded cheese.
What do you get when you cross a Jedi with a nun? a force of habit
I love corn! It's a food that always amaizes me.
What's the difference between a bumble bee and someone with allergies? One is a pollinator. The other is a pollen-hater.
Listen, kid. When you've spent 4 days eating cat food in a Vietnamese spin-fuck chair for phonics, we'll talk about hooked.
Why was the stadium so cool? it was full of fans. Thank thank you for your time
What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks
What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't Jelly my dick into you.
I'll never understand why the guy that invented Braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I don't like abbreviations. I'm a real abbreviations National Socialist.
Someone just suggested that I use Mapquest. I suggested that he use a rotary phone.
Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter. I will not be coming into work today.
what did the boy with no arms get for Christmas? I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet
If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses
What do you call a shity poet? A poo'et
Me: I really don't have any bad habits to speak of. Her: So you have no bad habits? Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I'd want to speak of.
Seriously In 20 years time and you're at a pub quiz and a question starts with "in what year" Just answer 2016
My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
Me: "Words can't describe how perfect you are." Her: "Aww thank you!"... Me: "But numbers can! 3/10"
I hate when people say my skirt looks slutty.. Like, who cares if my balls hang out a little?
Don't let an extra chromosome let you down!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won't be home until tomorrow. Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Why can't hellen keller drive? She's a woman!
My friend payed me to write a construction jobs for him. It's still a work in progress, just trying to get it hammered out. You know what, I think I just nailed it.
what has Trump and Brexit got in common no plan
Him: ...and I asked you out because you're smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK? Me: To see if you're real or if I'm just high
What do you call a zoo that only has one dog? A shit-zoo.
I'm often accused of being condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Have you ever seen moth balls? You have? Then how the hell did you get their legs apart?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon MOON: Goodnight Earth EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss MOON: Okay {millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Want to hear a Star Wars joke? Hayden Christensen
I have a question of the most importance!? If I find a job in the classifieds...does that mean I can't tell anyone!?
Life on a trampoline isn't that bad. It's got its ups and downs.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don't think I'm lying when I tell them I've lost their number Avoidance is expensive
What is Aloe Blacc's real name? Bye Bye White
Some people say that The Big Bang Theory disproves God... I mean, sure, it's not the best show, but I wouldn't go *that* far.
Research shows, 78% of all statistics are made up! Just like this one. (Its nit my own. I heard this somewhere, thought was worth sharing)
You know what's fun to do in Ohio? ... Pack up and get the fuck out.
Yo mamma is so ugly... I don't understand your Oedipus complex.
What has 1 hand, 3 legs, 6 feet, and 2 heads? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
All the tellers at my bank are females.. .. that means I can probably rob the whole place with just a spider.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
What do u call a nun In a wheel chair Virgin mobile. XD
According to my wife's diary, I have boundary issues.
When using the equation Y=1-T to understand how citizens react to changes in taxation...what happens when T&gt;1? Alot of T gets dumped in a harbor
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?  Slash slash backslash slash slash escape.
HR writing an email saying I'm a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training... Apparently
The highest form of flattery... ...is a plateau
This is a fine day for Brian Fitzpatrick He can finally marry his long-time partner, Patrick Fitzbrian.
Why did the man snort Dr. Pepper? He thought it was Coke!
What did the depressed dolphin say? I need a porpoise.
b-52's songs: -'love shack' -'hate shed' -'sad tent' -'happy igloo' -'frustrated RV' -'depression garage' -'melancholy lake house'
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl's phones.
The world is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something
I know exactly where I stand on the controversial issue of female on male rape. In the corner, with a video camera.
My pot accidentally got mixed in with my pasta noodles. Ended up with baked ziti.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
How many jobs did Speaker Boehner create in the past 4 years as a Speaker? One, when he left.
First Olympic sailing result just in. GB have taken gold, Australia have taken silver and Somalia have taken the boat
Today in band we played a japenese piece... I bombed it.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth's equator, most of them would drown.
What do you call a mexican midget? A speck.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want... Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
One of my patients took me to Sioux City Now Iowa defense attorney a lot of money.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
How do you know you're at a gay picnic? All the hotdogs taste like shit. Ba-dum-tsss.
(car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? "Aww for ur wife?" *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* yes
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you (   )
How do you hire a teddy bear? Put him on stilts !
Pet Review: Horses Cost: Thousands of dollars Pros: Bragging about owning a horse Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth 1.5/10
Why did the retired police officer decide to become a DJ? So he could still get to say "Put your hands in the air."
has anyone else realized the movimg photos in hary poter are just gifs. theyre jus gifs like from intermet
What do you call a guy that can't make a joke? A dead one.
Archaeologists digging in Egypt have found a Mummy embalmed with chocolate and hazlenuts It's believed to be a Pharaoh Rocher
I normally don't get a boner at Burger King But when I do, it's a whopper
A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.
So.. So a dyslectic man walks into a bra...
Why did the girl take a ruler to bed? She wanted to see how long she slept.
I'm thinking of opening a Christian sex shop. I'm going to call it, Condemnation.
What did the penis say to the condom? **"Cover me! I'm going in!"**
Act your age, not your sperm count... Cause otherwise you'd be old as balls!
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
"fine! leave me because I talk like I'm in a novel but you aren't taking the kids, he exclaimed"
Did you hear about the Italian chef? He pasta way :(
Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Where do homeless people read about their friends deaths? In the hobobituaries
Did you hear about the farmer who tried to be a stand up comedian? His jokes weren't dairy funny.
Is it ironic that the definition of female... isn't broad?
A woman in labor is screaming profanities at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"
I went to the butchers and asked if he had a lambs head No he replied, it's just how I come my hair.
Waiter there is a fly in my soup ! Yes sir thats the manager the last customer was a witch doctor !
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.
America healthcare system
There was a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's now a seasoned veteran.
BLONDE DRIVER Q: Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? A: Her blinker was on.
I went to a restaurant that serves  -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the  Renaissance.
How do you drowned a hipster? Throw them in the mainstream. Edit: spelling because I'm 5
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Push-up men's underwear. Taking complexes to a whole new level.
I didn't like my new haircut But then it grew on me
I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Computer: Do you trust this device? Me: Why? Is there something you're not telling me?
I made a joke about a midget criminal running down the stairs. The punchline is a little condescending. Ba dum *tss*
Hey everyone, Gay jokes aren't funny Cum on guys
It would be totally gay if Elon Musk opened a gas company in the future. Not because it will be out of trend but because it will be named GasX.
Woke up to a surprise blowjob this morning Guess I better learn to sleep with my mouth closed
What do you call someone who spends the whole time on their phone whenever you hang out? A phoney friend!
Did you hear about the mute motorcycle gang? They don't answer to nobody.
What did the cat cough up when it was sick? Meowcus
Do you think Kanye West will becom president? I don't know. I don't have 2020 vision.
My boss is so nit picky that he's not even a micro manager... ...he's a quantum manager.
What do you call a possessed chicken? Poultrygeist.
My tablet burned me today after I installed Tinder on my Kindle Fire.
What did the buffalo say before sending his son off to college? Bison.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I've been told. Twice now.
What kind of floor do dinosaurs' bathrooms have? Rep-tiles.
My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we've had no luck trying to have one naturally.
Dave is coming over. "Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
Can a woman turn a man into a millionaire? Yes, if he's a billionaire...
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. 'Me time'.
What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being in the Special Olympics
Donald Trump's campaign.
The energizer bunny was arrested yesterday. He was charged with battery.
When boy scouts leave a campsite better than they found it, I like to picture a bear who went to interior design school like, "Oh HELL naw."
What's a clown's favorite thing to eat? Really anything that's heavy enough to beat somebody to death with, such as a motorcycle helmet or a cannonball.
Hell yeah I want your website to play music without warning or a mute button!
She has a weimerhi...wimerrihym....wimmerhie... She has a big gray dog.
Cation Pronunciation : [kat-ahy-uhn,-on] -Noun Chemistry 1.An ion with paws-tive charge. 2.The cutest ion ever.
How come Barbie never got pregnant? Because Ken, came.... In another box!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don't remember what I had for dinner and I'm eating it now
How many cops does it take to push a black man down a flight of stairs? (Sorry if this has already been posted!) None, he fell.
What do you call a chica on the go? Chicago
What do you usually find with four Catholics? A fifth.
After 5 years of marriage. After 5 years of marriage I found out my wife has 2 incomes, hers and mine.....
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling "The laptop's not a touch screen," at my kids.
Some of the jokes on this page are so dark I'm surprised they haven't been shot yet
What does a gift and a black man have in common? White children get immense joy after tearing one open
Pregnant - Beyonce Pregnant with twins - Beytwice
What did the homeless yogi say when told to leave the yoga studio? Nah, I must stay.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let's go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead! Kids: Church?
Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth? Cause it looked hotter than usual! (I'll see myself out)
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead.
What do you call a bad Cubs game? Unbearable
Chuck Norris Found The Ark Of The Covenant... He Currently Uses It As A Coffee Table.
Going out in my hometown tonight. Hope my old bullies are really impressed by my parody twitter accounts.
What do you call a vegetable optometrist? A sea cucumber.
The main difference between men and women.... .... is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys? Niggaless Cage (My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)
Why is Unidan's current account called UnidanX? It's his tenth alt account.
The worst would you rather... This election.
What's a panda's favourite drink? Bambooze
How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Lets go ride a bike!
*tries online dating* Oh...oh no *tries real life dating* Ok this is actually worse somehow
I like my women how I like my coffee Lactose-free and 2%.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
What sock do you put on last? The one that's left.
If one ex was drowning and the other was dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of ropes to save them....where would you hide it?
Do you know what comes after the "just the tip" argument? Balls..
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three HOs.
"Bro check out that DILP." "Where? Wait what's a DILP?" "Dog I'd Like to Pet."
My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once... But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out!
Foreigner? Why not fist her? Badoom TSSSSssT! (Say it out loud)
How does a queen bee get around her hive ? She's throne !
There was a Mexican boy born with two dicks. He named the first one Jose. What did he name the second one? Hose B
What do you call a female to male sex change? An Addadictomy.
Who pushed the neonate out an endometrium? Your mom.
Nixon had to be photographed at an angle to make him appear upright. One of the drawbacks of him having a list.
There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.
TIFU by eating my roommates lunch Oops, wrong sub
The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "Amigo". Am I in a gang now?
Why is Divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
Who lost the American Presidential Debate? America.
PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Knock knock Knock Knock... Who's there? The police The police who? Mam, your son is dead.
TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM costume party Oops wrong sub
There really isn't a good way to tell your boss you hate him and want him eaten by hyenas.
What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
My friend asked what the difference between sin 135 and cos 135 I told him, "just change the sine."
What do you call a handjob in a swimming pool? A pull noodle
I used to date a periodicals librarian... ...but we broke up because she had too many issues.
whoops i accidentally spilled a whole pizza in my mouth
Why can't you have sex with a nun? Jesus already saved her for later.
The safe word is "MMMBop."
After Iran and Saudi Arabia cut ties Iranians stopped praying towards Mecca ... all their prayers are going to go to Spam anyway
"Don't Kid Yourself" would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.
During our First Dance at our Wedding My new wife looked into my eyes and said "Where have you been my whole life?" I said "SOBER"
What kind of shoes to frogs like ? Open toad sandals !
Decided to watch the lunar eclipse tonight... Couldn't see the moon
Why'd the chicken cross the road Wtf Idk
Why do they keep making TVs thinner and thinner? To keep up with the content.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Why did the Double A battery die after 5 years? It has two lower case a's
I don't know what you do when you come across a bear, But I just wipe it off and apologize.
What is a drug? A drug is a substance which when injected into a guinea pig produces a scientific paper.
What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's? Gold digging
Bought my dad a pair of Crocs for his birthday, then pushed him down a flight of stairs for looking stupid in them.
What is an Hommish woman's fantasy? Two Mennonite
[NSFW] Did I ever tell you guys about my idea for a line of sex toys marketed towards sleazy women? I'm calling it "Toys for Thots."
There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging.
What's the hardest part about being a Vegan who does Crossfit and owns a Rescue dog? Deciding which to tell people first.
I'd rather not talk about my aviation pun addiction. It's a soar subject.
What's the first step in getting accepted to carpentry school? Submitting a stool sample.
What is a chameleon's motto ?  A change is as good as a rest !
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you'll never know which side he's on.
It's OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
wife: "just break it to him gently" me: "ok ill try" [tucking son in bed] me: [opening story book] "once upon a time your grandma's dead"
i only watch superbowl for the commercials.i am unsure how to spend my surplus income &desperately need suggestions via talking animals
"First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
How to get Laid: Lay in bed. Wait two hours. Lay becomes past tense.
What do auditioning for an acting role and playing sports have in common? If you break a leg, you get cast
What crime did the impotent rapist commit? Viagra-vated Assault.
A suicide bomber goes to Las Vegas to try his luck at the slot machines.... ....he hit the jackpot, and now he's all over the place.
My wife told me to put the kids to sleep last night. She said it was too hard for her, but I've been waiting for those little shits to die since day 1.
There's a silver lining for survivors of the Nepal earthquake... They felt the city breaking, And everybody was shaking, But they were stayin' alive. Stayin' alive.
Telling a racist joke is like getting in a car with an asian driver If they are not really good, there's a very good chance you'll crash and burn.
My wife went ape-shit when she caught me doing shots with her sister. She knew we were doing them, she just never realized they were cum shots.
Why did the man angrily throw out his alarm clock this morning? Because it reminded him of Jonathan Clock the man who raped his wife the night before.
What do you call a pro-gamer? An ath1337
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well... How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None
What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?
Shall I tell you the joke about the body snatchers? Best not, you might get carried away.
What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy? A jolly rancher.
If circumcisions take an hour to complete, how long will you have to work to complete 12? Around the cock
Why did the picture plead innocent at the trial? It was framed.
The 12 Days of Christmas reads like the amazon wish list of someone tripping balls
What's black, has eight legs, and makes a woman scream? Gangrape
Jack and coke don't go together because Jack is a recovering addict.
My friend works at a circumcision clinic I asked him if he charges alot for his circumcisions He said "No, I just keep the tips."
what idiot called it "alphabet soup" instead of "times new ramen"?
I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.
Why do mermaids wear seashells for bras? Because a and b shells are too small.
Just found out that Aaarrrrggghhh' is not a real word. I can't even tell you how angry I am
It hurts? That's the body's way of showing you it's healing. It doesn't hurt? That's the body's way of showing you it's healing. - Doctors
If God didn't want me to scratch my ass he wouldn't have made it taste so good.
Your mom and a washing machine... Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine?? The washing machine doesnt follow me around for a week after I drop a load in it...
Why would a Catholic priest start practicing at a prison? He ran out of little boys
Isaac Newton's theory. Isaac Newton was outside trying to explains the forces of the world and then it hit him.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this: The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Yo mamma so fat collection...
"I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk..." WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."
What does a Polish groom give his bride for their wedding that is long and hard? A new last name.
My favourite joke when I was 9. "Doctor, doctor, I feel like a row of theatres" "Did it happen suddenly?" "No, it came on in stages"
An Asian Keanu enters a room. Asian Keanu got angry. Asian Keanu Reeves.
I used to steal punchlines from others I still do, but I used to, too.
Why did Microsoft skip windows 9? Because 7 ate 9
Want to know a Harry Potter riddle? Tom Marvolo
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she'll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
If you need help staying awake, subtract sheep in your head.
Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil? Because that would be a sin-tax issue.
How do you get a Nun pregnant? Dress her up as an Altar Boy
After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette. As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."
Virgins They never gave a fuck.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you'd think they had actually chose it themselves :)
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts
British Airways. Breakfast in London. Dinner in New York. Luggage in Tokyo.
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? I don't understand your terms and you keep telling me you have no interest.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead
What kind of fish has no father and looks like shit? A Bassturd.
Did you hear about the injured condiment? He had to be rushed to the Mayo Clinic.
What does a death row inmate get after their last meal? Their just desserts.
What did one leg say to the other? Shorty's growin a beard.
Saw a guy who wears a turban and who was coughing loudly I think he was Sikh
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
I must have a great body... Everyone keeps saying "What an ass" as soon as I walk away.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote "dentists are liars" into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Who eats parsley?
Wife: Did you measure for carpet? Me: Yeah, from the window Wife: Don't Me: To the wall Wife: Don't Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs! *runs*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop. Nobody came.
Space may sound romantic... But I'd never take a date there; there's no atmosphere.
Roll, roll, roll your joint, Twist it at the end, Spark it up and take a puff, Then pass it to a friend.
Matter is the Real MVP m = V * p
CAPT. AMERICA: Merry Christmas, Hulk! Happy Hanukkah, The Thing! Er... what religion are you, Thor? THOR: Do you understand I'm an actual god
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years? Someone lost a quarter.
We come into this world with nothing... Then we die and our wife gets everything. ;-.&gt;
Why don't hipsters shoot heroin? It's too mainstream
Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach? Arnold Schwarzeneighbor (OC)
Just saw Jennifer Aniston on the cover of "Magazine Cover" magazine.
What's the difference between a Bitch and a Slut? A Slut fucks everyone. A Bitch fucks everyone but you.
What's brown and sticky? a stick
Cinco De Mayo Cinco De Ketchup Cinco De Mustard Cinco De Siracha Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I would look more like a mountain.. if I were so inclined.
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face? A: He is stupid!
Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!
Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common? Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.
Ladies, place your heart in the hands of God & he will place it in the hands of a man who he believes deserves it.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
r/jokes would be a great fencer After all, it seems to be extremely good with reposts ((Works best spoken))
What does a dog do, that a man steps into. Pants.
Oh you're a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That's what I thought.
Fleetwood Mac Money has gone missing from Fleetwood Mac's dressing room again. They're starting to suspect Stevie Nicks.
You ran a half-marathon? Wow! Half congratulations!
I was named Chief Speaker at the Society of Introverts. Thank God no-one showed up.
How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.
MEMO TO GIRLS: It is not cold in here. You are a girl.
Ladies, don't tell me you care about the environment if you don't support my "Share a Shower" water conservation program.
What did the string say to the harp? No, you're a lyre!
I'm gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I've been wanting to get in that field for years.
Beernuts and Deernuts What's the difference between Beernuts and Deernuts? Beernuts are $8.95 and Deernuts are under a buck!
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Why do elephants prefer cars instead of motorcycles? motorcycles don't have trunks
there are 2 reasons why I dont take my GF on a long ride with Audi R8 Firstly, i have no GF and secondly I have no Audi R8.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Trump: "Knock knock" Hillary: "Who's there?" Trump: "Interrupting Donald Trump" Hillary: "Interrupting Donald Tr-" Trump: "WRONG"
You know what sucks about Karaoke? Coworkers don't appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
What's the difference between a vacuum and a Harley Davidson? The position of the dirtbag
It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a bitch.
What happens when the Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal....... my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats* F: 'MMA4LYFE,' really? *I put my fists by my English prof's 'OXFORDCO' knuckle tats* *we start break dancing*
Has the Supreme Court decided on Man v. Food yet?
Why are there hardly any dental professionals in the South? Because it takes more than 35 patients to make a full set of teeth.
Does anyone know how to get make-up off a dog? Asking for a friend, she's a bitch.
What do you get if you cross 50 Shades of Grey with Blurred Lines? A greydient
I like my coffee how i like my women. Accompanied by a sandwich.
Jesus may have fed fishes and loaves to 5000 people.... But hitler made 6 million jews toast.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven... The bad news is that you're pitching on Friday.
I was raised as an only child. Which really pissed my brothers off.
Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault because its a bit rapier.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf? A: Depends on how many were photographed.
At first I thought the Chinese restaurant canceled my reservation... But then I realized I went to the Wong one.
TOO MUCH PROTEIN? No whey mate
Christmas lights remind me of some people I know. They all hang out together, half the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!!!!
The primary function of a necktie is to show the direction of a man's brain.
What is the difference between a dead baby and an orange? [NSFW] I don't fuck an orange after i peel its skin off
Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened" he told his mother "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"
What's the difference between... What's the difference between a women's track team and a pack of intelligent pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts...
Hamburger My Chinese girlfriend came up with this, please don't groan. Where do you go to get a burger on the internet? McDownloads!
They told me to stay positive.. I told them I have HIV.
A preteen girl cried when I popped her cherry without permission. It was her fault for leaving fruit on the ground!
Is it "raymen" noodles or "rawmun" noodles? I don't wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My wallet is like an onion Every time I look at it, I cry
Why do crowd control police go earlier to work? To beat the crowd.
I think my first girlfriend broke up with me because anytime she called me crying I'd say, "What's the matter? You sound really fat."
Why couldn't they execute the railway worker with the electric chair? He was too good a conductor
Cow jokes.. What do you call a cow with no legs? -- ground beef What do you call a cow with 3 legs? -- lean beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? -- your mom
What is this special type of waffle called a "Tennis racket" and why does it taste like metal wires?
Peanut Butter Joke Do you pee nut butter?
Why won't Arnold Schwarzenegger upgrade to windows 10? Because : he still loves vista,baby!
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
You can't trust atoms.. ..They make up everything.
What do you call a piece of spaghetti that steals people's identities? An impasta!
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
What's the difference between a joke on Reddit and a joke on 9Gag? About a day.
Did you hear about the Spanish Fire Brigade jose and hose b
What are the options? Air Hostess to passenger: "Sir would you like to have dinner?" Passenger: "What are the options?" Air Hostess: "Yes and No."
Who says building a border wall won't work? The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
I called out of work today... Told my boss I had anal glaucoma. I couldn't see my ass coming in today.
Why couldn't the duck stop smoking? Because he was a quack addict
What I said : Just a trim, please. What hairdresser must've heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
How do you make a dog go meow? Freeze it and run it through a bandsaw. MEEEOWW!!
My neighborhood is so politically correct... ...they consider it a hate crime to misspell vinegar.
I was going to tell a gay joke Butt fuck it
There are 2 cats. One is called "One Two Three" and the other is called "Un Deux Trois", which is the best at swimming? "One Two Three" obviously. Because "Un Deux Trois" cat sank
#IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.
Movie Opinion As far as I'm concerned, Precious is the best film in the Big Momma's House franchise.
I noticed my wife was reading a book that was titled "The Silent Wife". I immediately asked "That's fiction, right?"
It was so hot when we went on holiday last  year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I'm working on a Star Wars Kama Sutra book. I don't have all the positions down quite yet, but I have mastered the Hand Solo.
A naked woman robbed a bank yesterday Nobody could remember her face.
What's the best way to turn a pussy into a dick? Give it a badge.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly. [I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I bet my butcher 50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant... I was shocked!!
What do you call a gay Ginger? Flaming.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already... Woman: Did you just quote Eminem? Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!
What do hillbillies do on Halloween? Pumpkin.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: "I never want to do that again."
How do you get an Indian girl pregnant? Poppadom.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick.
Pilot: Tower there's a runway light burning. Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning. Pilot: Sorry I mean it's smoking.
Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.
Trying to stop my mate to stop using TV remote It's a bit of a joke to piss my mate off. :D apologies if this is a wrong subreddit.
Last night I thought I heard the spring onions singing Bee Gees songs in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was just the chives talking.
Whats better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ
Too fat for the girl next door At least according to her Korean father. I guess I can't have my cake and Edith Tu.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
What were the Kamikaze Pilot's last words? "Watch this cause i'll only do it once."
Chilly Did you know that you can freeze a human to -273.15 C and he'd be 0K
"Hi. I'm an insane maniac." - People who write more than three sentences to describe an Instagram photo
An Englishman and a chineseman are arguing, However... The English man is constantly confused why the Chinese man insists hes wrong, and that the English man is right.
How many emos does it take to screw in a light bulb? No one knows. When the light turns on they scatter.
What do you call it... ...when you get head from a black girl and a white girl at the same time? Marblehead
I don't understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It's much more awkward trying to return them. "She didn't like me."
The old man's stairlift broke down in the middle of the stairs That piece of shit drove him up the fucking wall
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge "I dont recognize this court!" "Why?" asked the Judge. "Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was  here."
Are kids that are born in a whorehouse called Brothel Sprouts?
I thought you'd be flattered that my dog found your leg so attractive.
<at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He flushed.
What do you feel when you accidentally run over and kill a group of geese crossing the road? Goosebumps
I went out last night with a group of enthusiastic weavers. Unfortunately they had to rush off to meet a looming deadline.
How did you get your girlfriend to have sex with you while she was on her period? Let's just say I pulled some strings.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court The judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
The interviewer asked me, "What's your worst quality?" I said, "I tend to speak my mind." He said, "I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing..." I said, "I don't give a fuck what you think."
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around &amp; no one teaches How to choose a Wife, NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Oral sex caused Michael Douglas's throat cancer; Surgeon General orders that vaginas be tattooed with cancer warning.
How do punctuation marks get freaky? The comma sutra
What do you give an alligator who is having trouble hearing? A gator-aid. Bet you did see that one coming:P
My home phone rang. Weird.
Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin. ps. Please send more.
They were two hookers riding a motorcycle... suddenly they hit a bump, and boom! your mom fell off!!!
I had to When my girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down
Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.
I wrote a best-selling book titled "How tostick a lamp up your ass". AMA! Except for how to get to the lamp out of your ass.
Which band is difficult to dance to? The Beatless
What is a geometry teachers favorite movie? Angles in the Outfield
How do you tell a chemist no? Nitrogen Monoxide
Meeting new people and trying my best to act all sunglasses emoji.
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
I didn't spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady...
A C-string walks into a bar... A C-string walks into a bar and points to a char next to a float. "Can I join you?" he asks. The float replies "You're not my type" and orders a double.
What do Donald Trump and the Chinese have in common? Im not going to make a shit joke about a wall get out of here
What do gym junkies and Nicki Minaj have in common? They both inject a lot of cash into their ass.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I only date men who have cats because they've been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If you take a dump on a leaf You will have a shitty thyme
It weirds me out my phone won't swear. What, is it religious?
Went to the doctors yesterday, suffering from premature ejaculation... ... doctor said, "This must be very stressful for your wife". I replied, "To be honest, it's getting on her tits".
"Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped" Flirting is so easy
Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants. Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"
Hey, people who act like they're about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades. Wait til spring Enjoy
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
the sadness of breaking up is less the loss of the person but of a 1000 inside jokes that you'll remember throughout life & never reshare
Did I ever tell you about the industrial prostitute? She had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip. So she can make money on the side.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way! Me: That's weird I swear that I didn't hear her broomstick!
What happens in a battle between storm troopers and red shirts? (Star Trek) The storm troopers all miss, and the red shirts all die
[tv interview] I'm with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you? [cut to Amy crying] MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
This may be the wine talking but help he's drinking me, he's drinking me.
Marriage means always wanting to scream "Shut the fuck up" but instead saying "OK honey".
How do you stop a dog from jumping your leg? Pick it up and give it a blowjob.
It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.
What's the best part about Dragon Ball Z? Find out in the next episode of Dragon! Ball! Z!
What is Romeo and Juliets least favorite fruit? Cantaloupe.
Duct tape can't fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
It's pretty sad that even in 2013 chameleons care so much about skin color.
Logarithms... are musical, because they're all about that base.
What do you call an Asian pornstar? Wun-Hung-Lo
Sleeping in tomorrow so I have to put my phone on Lebron Mode... No ring
The panic begins with the first one to say Calm down!'
What should you do if a bird poos on your car? Don't ask her out again
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you? 4-year-old: I won.
Want to hear a joke about my dick? Ahhh never mind, it's too long.
"Scored 4, 10 year ago" That's pretty much all I can remember from Clinton's Getting Interns Address. - Happy Presidents Day.
English is not my first language but I think my boss appreciates me He always says I am this functional!
I want an ocean of orange soda It's a Fanta sea of mine
Bucket list: 1. Don't die.
What happens when a necrophiliac goes to a funeral? He gets mourning wood.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated... Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby? Eric Clapton would have never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
What's big heavy furry dangerous and has sixteen wheels? A monster on roller-skates.
I've never tried Frosted Flakes cereal But I've heard great things about it.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
The fact that other bad things are happening is not an argument against fighting a particular bad thing.
What you get when you turn a blonde woman upside down? A brunette with bad breath.
Was at a pretty emotional wedding last week... ... Even the cake was in tiers!
Did You Know Willie Nelson Just Died? He was playing On The Road Again.
How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark.
school sucks 2/10 stars would not recommend
How do you fit 4 girls on a bar stool? Flip it over
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
People think it's okay to drive like assholes until we end up at a stoplight together and I'm dropping my rottweiler through their sunroof.
Why should you date a Greek woman? They don't like pulling out.
Why did the two tampons not talk to each other? They were both stuck up cunts.
My proctologist has PTSD He has seen some shit
Have you ever tried eating a clock. Nobody has time for that.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa Claus goes down the chimney.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 30 percent off
when I die I want you to save my skull and use me as a paperweight (and kiss me when no one is looking)
What do you call a vampire who owns a restaurant? Count Spatula
What do you call lonely cheese? Prov-alone
A skeleton walks into a bar... Asks for a beer and a mop.
Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 5 minutes today.. surprising because the box said 4-6 years.
The awkward moment your phone does a stupid auto correct... And makes everyone think you're refrigerator
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ? Because he didn't have enough guts
My life was depressing and miserable but I turned that around, Now it's miserable and depressing.
Why don't Calculus majors throw house parties? Because you should never drink and derive.
I can't be what you want. I'm too busy being what I want.
The future, past and present walk into a bar... Things get tense.
Have you heard of the pelican? It's bill fits more than its belly can
I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Joke about a psychic and water Something something clairboyant Can't be bothered to actually write a joke but the essence is here.
Two homeless guys see a dog licking his balls. One says to the other "I wish I could do that" the other says "don't you think you should pet him first".
What do you call a Robotic Abortion Doctor? The Terminator
What do you call a hookers fart? A prosti-toot
Why did the masseuse give her lawyer a happy ending? She thought he could come in handy. (I'll let myself out)
Instead of a blue or pink balloon for a gender reveal.. A piggy bank should be smashed revealing $1 for a boy or 78 cents for a girl.
How do you know if someone's from Texas? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
The SS officer went blind... when he did NOT-SEE things.
I went to a nudist casino... ...I lost my shirt at the poker tables.
What do you call a Japanese boy who just got beat by his dad after getting got masterbating? A fap happy jappy with a slap happy pappy.
I hope Death is my father... because he'll never get me.
A midget was escaping prison... A midget was escaping prison. I watched him as he climbed over the fence. On the way down he smirked at me. I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending".
I was a bit skeptical when someone told me there were three holes in the ground. Well well well
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes harmonica.
I had to pay $150 for the bowel prep medication before my colonoscopy. That shit was expensive. (Crosspost from r/funny. This fits better here.)
What do you say when you friendzone a brony? Friendship is magic.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
What did the number 1 say to  (pi)? Let's get rational you can't carry on like this!
This national park is nice but the cell service sucks. I can only enjoy natural beauty if I can tweet ironically about it.
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a  viola? A: A viola burns longer.
What's the difference between a black man and batman? A black guy can't go a night without robin.
What does a flamboyantly gay Gingerbread man do when he gets angry? He ginger-snaps. http://i49.tinypic.com/22gqk7.jpg
I broke up with my girlfriend while we were jogging. I guess we had a good run.
Best thing ever is when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-girlfriend
"I've been in 3 emotionally abusive relationships" Said Dave to his new friend. "I'm so sorry!" "Huh. I had them thinking it was their fault as well"
Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances... The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.
I think I will have to go to the doctor soon. My father is a hypochondriac and I think it's hereditary. I'm starting to see the symptoms.
My jokes are like my women.. I don't have any
What do mathematicians drink? Anything to ease the pain.
17: Want to see a movie? Me: Sure. 17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together. Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you.
Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I'm even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.
The problem is I'm really tired... But I hear there's a nap for that.
What do laws and virgins have in common? They're both there to be violated. (The sad part is that a Portuguese Taxi Driver actually said that seriously in a protest against Uber)
Today is National Girlfriend's Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar's just not ready for that kind of commitment.
A man walked into a cafe in Mexico... "Hello!" he says to a squeamish waiter. "Do you have any Mexican Jews?" "Hmm... let me check in the back" the waiter replied. That's when the condom broke.
Hey girl, do you like trucks? Cause I got a semi.
A man is being arrested by a female police officer she informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." "Anything?" he asks with a smirk "Anything." "Tits please"
Today I found ought I was adopted... but they gave me back.
So I checked into a nihilist hotel, and asked for turndown service. The clerk at the reception looked at me wearily and responded: "Turndown? What for?"
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
What type of jokes do planets tell each other? Cosmic jokes.
Ever see a jack ass wrapped in plastic? If not... Look at your drivers license.
"Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?" asked Rupert. "Okay" replied his father "but don't stand too close."
What is the best use for a wet dog?[x-post from /r/MeanJokes] Getting the smell of white people out of your house.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but there's only room in your ass for one head, and yours is already there .
the year is 2048 twerking has become a sport the seas are now made of starbucks ugg boots are required by law
I used that classic Liam Neeson line from Taken the other day: "I will find you and I will kill you." My grandkids refuse to play hide and seek with me anymore.
[shipwreck diary] Day 44: Some of the survivors have resorted to drinking their own piss. Nobody wants to drink mine cos it's 'too chunky'.
Me and my girlfriend are always sleeping together. I think we both might have a touch of narcolepsy
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because he found it soda pressing.
How does a sailor suit? With a bowtie!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Q: Why does Michael J. Fox make such good milkshakes? A: Because he uses quality ingredients. What did you think, asshole?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft.
special thanks to people on yahoo answers who have asked literally every question ive ever googled
"What should we call ourselves?" How about 22 pilots? "Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots" 21 pilots? "Omg"
What is punctuation's favorite curry? L&amp;a
Those Islamic's coming to america? Hostages.
I have a joke about time travel But you got it the first time. (Best told two or three days after making the recently posted "I have a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.")
What's the difference between a gay guy and my refrigerator? My fridge doesn't shit on me when I pull my meat out of it!
My girlfriend said if this get 100 upvotes , we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap-on is huge and it really scares me.
How do we know Snow White was a hipster? She could never say no to apple.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it 'cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
What did the cannibal say to the explorer? ''Nice to meat you''!
A man walks into r/news &lt;removed&gt;
What do you call an Irish-Canadian? a Mickey Moose
What's the difference between a Toaster and Hitler? A toaster can only burn two things at once.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the girl with glitter on her face does.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I'll admit it... I'm a horny TV And i'm turned on by remotes...
180 degree Celsius = pi radian Celsius
I invented the sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop.
If you are afraid of pedophiles... ...Grow up!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
ELI5: How do you understand women? I really just want to know.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world
Why did the blonde keep coat hangers under her seat? In case she locks her keys in her car.
Whats the worst part about being a news reporter? The shootings
I love the concept of karma. It means all the people I mistreat and fuck over every day must have it coming.
Waiter: If you know the food here is so lousy why do you keep coming back? Customer: It reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.
Stop! Hammered time.
Why did the Red sea not find a good husband? because she was too shallow.
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess
What's the difference between a feminist and a bomb vest? The bomb vest actually does something when triggered.
I saw a hooker sneeze.. So I handed her a tissue. She used it to clean off her inner leg.
"It is scary how much false attribution of quotes occurs on Twitter." - Mark Twain
Damn you E Cards! Your making it too easy to share my stolen status'!
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him? VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Mike eats all day, that's all he does I guess he's living life to the fullest
Blind man on his virgin experience with a lady "It was a shot in the dark"
News: German diver receives a 0.0 score. Apparently, Olympic judges don't appreciate cannon balls.
Why was the Jedi so good at the synthesizer? He had a high MIDI-chlorian count. Test.
Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato? A dictator.
My wife tried to buy something online yesterday.... Anyone know how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive?
Why does Yoda like sheep? Because dey go baa...
What do you call a guy who refuses to serve people from Finland at his bar? A man with unfinnished buisness.
What's a Call of Duty player's favorite social media website? Fazebook
A man tells a joke with no punchline
Good job on the speed traps, cops - How are the getting murdered traps coming along?
If iron man and silver surfer teamed up... They'd be alloys.
What does velcro yell as it charges into battle? ATTACH!
What is a hooker in Alaska called? A frostitute!
Why did the black med student wait all day at the rear entrance of the student cafeteria? Because his professor told his class they were going to spend the entire next day at a bacteria conference.
My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.
There is this guy from the Czech Republic that plays chess with his Austrian friend. Czech mate. Edit: Australian, ty unsc_luke
What kind of dog did Dracula have? A Bloodhound.
*burglar breaks in* *i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture* Burglar: No I have a double chin! Me: I'll post it
Moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.
What has 200 teeth and holds back Godzilla? My zipper
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There's one behind me right now. So annoying.
What is the most overused force in science? Van der Waals.
*school reunion* Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Where do you get 'Extra Virgin' olive oil? Really ugly olives.
What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse!!!
What's the difference between Pink and Purple ...your grip.
Why did the sweet scented man called Paul change his name to Saul? He liked the P, but preferred the essence the change.
What's the difference between New Jersey girls and trash? Trash gets picked up.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it's not just women who won't marry you.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Little girls and fish Why do little girls put fishes down their pants? So the can smell like big girls!
Why is there no Windows 9? Because 7 8 9
My boss knocked on my office door and asked if I had a sec... I told her I have lots of secs. Now I'm looking for a job.
What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm? Organised crime.
Ellen Pao has a good taste for revenge. Lawyers made her look bad, now she makes lawyers look bad. I'll be enjoying my shadow ban, thank you.
whats 6 inches long, red, and makes cry my girlfriend cry when i feed it to her her miscarriage
I have a joke about Ikea but I can't put it together
Why was old Bilbo's body found with a massive erection? Because old hobbits die hard.
What's the difference between premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction? One's pretty quick, the other's a quitty prick.
Why does James Brown like South Korea? Because its got Seoul.
My ex-girlfriend and I weren't compatible.. I was an Aquarius and she was a bitch. Anybody got any they wanna share?
Looking Forward by Felix Ited
Why do we need art? Because the Earth without art is just "Eh".
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just beat the room for being black
Did you hear about jared from subway? "Yea he lost like 200 pounds"
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? you nail food to the ceiling
What does a Transvestite do on Xmas day? Eat, drink and be Mary.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
What if that light at the end of the tunnel you see when you die is just you being born from another vagina?
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
What are Kierkegaard's two favourite fruits? Melon and Broccoli!
What did Gorbachev say when the USSR collapsed? "So ve it."
I remember the difference between vertical and horizontal because vertical gives you vertigo and horizontal because whores get laid.
The other day I went to the doctor and he told me I may be schizophrenic And I said, "Hey Doc, you must be talking to the wrong guy!"
What do you call an indecisive German Shepard K Nein
How do you kill a circus clown? Go for the juggler!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from? Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Scientology: The study of scientol.
What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Trump's tie
Did you guys see that post about ISIS and Taliban announcing jihad against each other? It really blew up
I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
you can pretend to be a tortured artist for like ages before people check if you really do art or not
What did the Jamaican Priest say to the Baker's rolls? You a cinnamon.
How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling? He looks into his lover's 'I's.
Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees ? Because they kept droning on and on !
* 50 pushups * * 100 situps * * Runs 3 miles * My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I feel like MacGyver- given a bottle opener and a bottle of beer, I was able to crudely fashion an open bottle of beer.
I made a terrible mistake when I searched for Gary Oldman on Google. I forgot the R
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early. It was a picture of her at the airport.
What lurks in the dark, has wings and sucks blood? The new Always Ultra.
I really want to tell you guys my 9/11 joke .. but it's just two plane
knock knock... who's there? Honeycomb Honeycomb who? Honeycomb your hair.
I had a bukkake party last night. You should have come
What do you call a hooker fart? A prosti-toot
Reposted Joke Same punchline as the one before
Massive US Blizzard advancing North African American community complains about exclusion of black snowflakes.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Local singles in your area are asexually reproducing through cytokinesis. Local singles are becoming local doubles, quadruples.
What's the pound's new name? The ounce
I bet the Al Qaeda recruiting video is just footage of Americans waiting in line for cupcakes.
Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks? Because he thought it wood look better!
If you laid everyone along Earth's equator... About half of them would be pregnant.
Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor... They go to the cinemas.
Knock Knock... Whos there? John. John who? *John begins to weep as he realizes his grandmothers Alzheimer's has progressed to a level where she no longer remembers his name.*
*Pillsbury Doughboy approaches mic* I would like to apologize for my recent actions, but would remind you I never claimed to be a roll model
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you." Fuck you, Chelsey.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs. Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
What is the generic name for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin
How do you organise a bukkake? You don't, everyone just comes.
Yesterday i accidentally cut off the left side of my body! Im all right now.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Ba dum tss!
Today'a Cleveland game is 1-7 I didn't know the browns were playing tonight.
If you like someone and don't know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you're cute.
Rick Astley will let you borrow all the movies in his Pixar collection except one, He is never gonna give you Up.
If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself. I can't stand the sound of clapping.
RIP Daenerys Targaryen we will miss you. #SPOILERALERT Just kidding. I haven't seen the latest episode yet.
Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don't want to talk to them
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it's slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Jared Fogle was given 15 years in prison today... He was reportedly ok with it, and when reached for comment stated "As long as it's under 18."
How many Reddit mods does it take to change a lightbulb? A substantial amount, you fucking morons.
What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.
What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common? Either way, someone is losing a trailer.
What does a blender full of dead babies sound like? I dunno, I was too busy masturbating...
How do you cover 18 holes with one hole? Have your mom sit down on a golf course.
Premature ejaculators are like Christians They are all waiting for resurrection and second coming.
How did Reese die while eating cereal? Witherspoon
What does ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both have Kurds in their way.
Whoever invented "copy and paste" should never have to go more than 2 hours without someone's lips around his wiener.
I went camping over the weekend... It was in tents.
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
In a recent poll, 80% of Japanese women admitted to having faked origami.
Where do Crows hang out on friday night? The crow bar.
What doesn't kill me makes me smaller - Mario
I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.
"It's too cold in Jamaica, I won't have any fun." "Not with that latitude!"
There is no single shoe store near me... They all seem to sell them in pairs. ^^^sorry ^^^if ^^^not ^^^OC
People nowadays take pictures, not for memories, but to post them on Facebook and get comments.
[sex ed in middle school] Teacher: "Today we are having sex ed" Ed: hell yeah we are! Teacher: "Education"
What side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers? French Flies!
Someone needs to introduce the people still requesting songs on the radio to the Internet...
How many cops shootings does it take to have an indictment? Error [value unknown]
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anthem ! Anthem who ? You Anthem devil you !
Was told to turn on the water hose I was told to turn on the water hose. Responded "I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality"
Whenever someone makes a premature blanket conclusion based on a single piece of information... I automatically assume they're a complete idiot.
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear? White vans
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby's house elf friends free.
What did the bra say to the hat? "I've got these two covered, you go on a head."
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two. It only requires that either the people are very small or the light bulb is very large.
Long ago I got my first job as a circumciser. The pay was not much but I collected a lot of tips.
I often antagonize black people in hopes they call me a jive turkey.
Congratulations, you've won a free - A free what? I can't hear you over my muted speakers. Owned that bitch.
What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country.
What do you call a chain of singing islands? An acapellago.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
Jokes you used to tell as a kid Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrupting c- MOOOOOOO
Most of adulthood is getting upset over not being invited to things that you wouldn't have gone to even if you were invited
Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.
Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry...
What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus? It's a match made in Heaven!
[2 toads chillin'] Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you'll get high. "Whaaaat, that's genius." We gon' get mad licked, son.
10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
Did you know that half of all Harleys ever made are still on the road? Yep, they never made it home.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
What do you call a gay Dinosaur? Dead.
What did the gay horse say to the straight horse? Heeeeeeyyyyyy
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the floor Matt
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute  ago."
Note to self: When the wife asks "Do you like my new hair", don't reply with "It'll grow back, right?"
What's the difference between a male and female chocolate Easter bunny? About a quarter inch of chocolate
Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry.
Aren't you glad you no longer have that "Call Me Maybe" song in your head? Oops. Sorry. #SoCallMeMaybe!
What's brown and black and looks good on a hippy? A rottweiller.
How are women and cigarettes similar? The taste changes as you get closer to the butt.
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I'll just use this dry paper and call it good.
"Good for you" was said unsarcastically only that first time.
Percentage of Childhood Obesity by U.S. State in 2011 x-post from /r/dataisbeautiful
Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?" Defendant: "Yes it's true." Judge: "Then why don't you just pay him back?" Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."
Donald Trump's dream is within his grasp He's about to get fucked by every woman in America
A man once called a pier the ugliest eyesore he'd ever seen, but was then never seen again. I guess you could say he diss-a-pier-ed.
I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn't want to lose friends: I don't work on Mondays.
I came across the most beautiful girl i've ever seen today at the supermarket.. She wasn't the least bit happy, even after I offered to clean it all up and buy her a new top..
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks JOHNSON: like...river banks, or
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life? A: Grade six.
How was the Roman Empire cut in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Two hookers talking. One ask the other. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? To which the other replies No, but I've been swung around by the tits.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
I don't know about you guys, but I think Jesus would definitely have had a hard time paying for my sins on a carpenters salary.
A man walks into a bar... ...and screams "Ouch!"
I think the best thing about being a cyclops is no one would notice if you had a lazy eye.
My girlfriend complained that I never listen to her. At least that's what I think she said.
I love picking out my wife's panties except this isn't my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA put a man on the moon. We put a bird into pigs.
"My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body's telling me yesss...BABY" Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
A duck walks into a bar with one shoe on... He orders a pint and the barman says "....Hey, did you lose a shoe?" And the duck says "Nah, I found one"
As a guy... being sexually frustrated must be hard.
My dad's sign was cancer. Its so ironic how he died. He was attacked by a giant crab.
I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."... I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds." "Don't you mean dollars?" she replied. "I know what I mean," I said.
They say diarrhoea is hereditary... It runs in your jeans
Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength? Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.
I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.
My dog hunted down and killed a lizard today... You could say it was his hunting inskinkt.
You know how I know you're stupid? You clicked on this link!
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share] ME: I knew she'd come crawling back to me one day
Why do mermaids wear seashells? *wait for it* Because they grew out of their B-shells!
Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than "Unlimited Talk."
If God was a woman. Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
Look UPS guy, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
I was arrested for killing a black man I'm a black man EDIT: I'm a half black man
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
hey look at me nonchalantly tweeting in lowercase am i cool now guys please know that it took me 13 tries to get that lowercase "i" to stick
What holiday do Jewish bridges celebrate? Passover.
Acid shoes I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Why don't the polar bears ever drink Diet Coke in Coca-Cola commercials? Because bears don't drink aspartame, dumbshit.
If I'm ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Throughout the summer Trump's campaign was on the gas pedal... But now they have turned on Cruz control.
At first I thought maybe HBO had another vampire show. Then I realized that's just what Steve Buscemi really looks like.
Casper The Friendly Ghost never haunted my house. All I got was his stupid cousin, Murray The Constipated Poltergeist.
You cannot run through a campground You can only ran, because it is past tents
My SO is giving me the silent treatment, so I tightened all the lids of our jars. Now she'll have to talk to me.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? DAM!  (airplane stewardess told me and had me on ground laughing)
smart husband Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby) Husband: wait until he cries. Wife: why?? Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!
wow. chess is like a whole different game when you play it with your clothes on. was it always like that, grandpa? cause I don't like it.
Don't grocery shop hungry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't promise when ur happy. Don't do anything. Just kinda sit there til u die.
How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone in his helmet? He uses a hans free device
What do you call two fruits that can't get married? Cantaloupes
Environmentally speaking you really should reuse plastic bag's To suffocate your children
What do you call a car crash caused by Hitler? An axisdent
Oh, non-habit forming? No thanks.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's  God's gift? Exchange him.
Yo momma's so stupid she failed a pregnancy test
Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues. Credit: Curious: The Tourist's Guide
Trump says "The less immigrants we let into our country the better!" Pence, correcting Trump, says "The Fewer" Trump says "Whoa Mike don't call me that just yet"
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.
Why did the squirrel swim on its back? so it wont get its nuts wet
Dear Fox news, I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Everybody is trying to make Harambe jokes, and they are all really bad... But I'm going to take a shot at it.
Have you heard about the Italian chef that recently died? Yeah, he pasta way.
#NAME?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else? Me: We just met.
Sweetie, will you buy me a cellphone? **Her**: Sweetie, will you buy me a cellphone? **Him**: What about the other one? **Her**: The other one is buying me a tablet.
While you're thinking what to wear, I'm thinking how to take it off.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? A Japanese business man wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on his face
MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice  to my mother when she visits us this weekend dear. Fall down when she  hits you.
What's blue and white, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A fridge with a denim jacket on.
What does the Dodge driver say when someone knocks the door? Cummins.
I admit I thought cloning Wanda Sykes 10,000 times was a dumb idea, but looks like the TSA managed to hire all of them
What do Russians use to censor websites? The Inter-nyet.
heard this on Storage Wars A Chinese couple own a restaurant, they're in the bedroom and the husband asks if they can 69 and the wife says why you want beef and broccoli now?
So I went into the kitchen... ...because I could hear " 1, 2, 3, 4, ..." coming from the cutlery drawer. Apparently it's the fork that counts.
What is grey, very big and when it falls out of a tree the stove breaks? The stove.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How  about now?
how to get Rich Stab the motherfucker.
What do you call it when you see a smart blonde A dream
We need a ride home. "I called a Gruber" Don't you mean an Uber? [villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
A sheep, a drum, and a snake walk into a bar... Ba-dumm-tsss
*Tries to warm up car* Car: I have a boyfriend
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack Therapist: How do you feel now? Me: With my elbows
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they're the only person watching you
What did one Egyptian say to the other Egyptian after they both farted? Hey we have a toot in common.
Princess Dianna had dandruff They found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.
I hate people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" There so stupid
Y'all notice how Tumblr is full of people blogging about guns? Seems like every other blog has a 'Trigger Warning.'
What do you call a masseuse that only massages men? A misogynist.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a lake? Bob
What do you call a soldier with long arms? An army soldier
Kids....because who doesn't enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
Somewhere out there, a neurotic chicken wants to cross the road but is paralyzed by the knowledge that everyone will question his motives
My boss treated me like a missile Fire and forget
Why was the garbage man afraid of the staff at the sex-change clinic? They give him the willies.
So I was told that torture is 100% effective. They finally admitted to it after 5 hours of waterboarding. I still don't know why they kept lying before it though.
Funniest Joke Ever My life
Welcome to Dick's hotdogs, if you like hotdogs, you'll love dicks.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
Where did little Lisa go after she got hit by a truck? Everywhere.
I hired a golf pro to tell me what's wrong with my tee shots He said I was standing too close to the ball, after I hit it.
What do you call a hoe that you use to stir a fire. An ash hoe.
Can you cover for me/ I missed my shift.
How many eskimos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Obviously.
I just started a business operating charter flights Business is really taking off
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
There was a Spanish magician who said he could disappear. He said he would disappear on the count of 3. He said "Unos... Dos..." **POOF** And then he disappeared without a tres.
When a friend asks you to keep her pregnancy on down low, you say Mum's the word
What do you call a 100 year old ant ? An antique !
Let's talk about the elephant in the room. I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?
What do you do if you see a space man? (my favorite one liner ever) you park your car in it, man
What did the DNA say to the RNA? Uracil-y structure!
If we were compressed down to a single dimension ... what would be the point of it all?
Typical Kanye West If Kanye West would become a president wouldn't we all be living in Wild West?
What do you call a potted cactus that has grown in the shape of a penis? A dildon't
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet "cheat days" and call them Ashley Madisons.
A mexican, a black person and a puerto rican are in the same car. Who is driving? The cop. PS: I in no way support this. Just heard it somewhere. :P
Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom? A: To keep the swelling down.
How do gay man cry? They don't, that would be counterintuitive.
A Black man, Mexican, and Jew walk into a bar.. The bartender looks up and says "Get the F*&amp;k out of my bar!" This is my friends favorite go to joke.
Q:What happens when your GF illegally downloads a movie? A:She becomes PirateBae
A man seeking to lose some of his excess weight visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Why can't you tell a joke to a dwarf? Because it will go right over his head
This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
What does it mean when a chameleon cant change color? Reptile - disfunction
Who is the bees favourite pop group ? The bee gees !
Marriage counselling  because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.
A Mexican magician... A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ...he disappeared without a tres.
What do you call a sleeping pizza? A pizzza
What geometric figure is like a runaway  parrot? A polygon .
Why are fire engines red? You would be too if you were running down the road with your hose hanging out!
Another 69 joke So I asked my gf if she wanted to 69. She rolled her eyes and said sure as long as we can 77 after cause I'll probably finish too fast and she'll still need to be ate more.
My legal team is advising me to get jiggy with it.
What is an Actor? A man who tries to be everything but himself
Stood in very long line today at the DMV behind James Bond renewing his license to kill... shouldn't they have a separate line for that?
My whole life feels like when you're called up to the chalkboard to solve a math problem.
Mary's doctor told her she was allergic to latex "Oh no, I'm so fucked!" She responded, shocked at the news "I'm afraid not." said the doctor as he left with a grin.
The prize for coming in the top-3 of the children's race was an evil clown. Sadly I came 4th. I would have got away with It if it wasn't for those medalling kids.
What did J. Robert Oppenheimer say after inventing the weedwhacker? "I am become death, destroyer of weeds."
My wife sent me out looking for a hard to find French cheese... It's called camofromage. Sorry this joke is so cheesy, but my kid thought it was Gouda.
Do you need a bag? I had just bought a box of condoms when the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?" I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."
It's funny how if you are a minority and commit a mass murder, you are either a terrorist, thug, or an illegal, but if you are white, then you have a mental disorder and misunderstood!
What would you get if you cross breed a Borg with a Ferengi? A scientologist.
A dick has a sad life... Its hair is a mess, its family is nuts, its neighbor is an asshole, its best friend is a pussy, and its owner beats it.
Having sex is like playing bridge, If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand
How do you make stupid people click links? ...
scary Halloween costume idea: eye contact
Why did Princess Diana divorce Prince Charles? She was always told a ruler was 12 inches!
What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life? Smallpox
What does a prostitute wear on her feet? Whore shoes.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
You do realize that if you save yourself for marriage, you'll only have sex like three or four times ever?
Who would win in a fight, Michael J. Fox or Taylor Swift? Michael J. Fox; he would just shake it off.
If you open this, you will lose. THE GAME Sorry. EDIT For the newbies: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game)
Have you heard about the Rwandan massacre? They don't know Hutu blame.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today... but it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Saudi Arabia's justice system is completely different from ISIS.... Just kidding.
If your dad wrote the Bible, who would he have building the ark? Not sure who he would have, but I Noah guy.
"Superman's Dad" is the last stop for an actor.
What else happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra? His hands get bigger.
I use to have crabs... Until the bigger bugs ate them.
Ebola gives new meaning to the phrase 'Eat Shit and Die.' Credit to my brother for coming up with that one!
So this guy steps into the house with a hand full of shit and says to his wife "look what I almost stepped in!"
I threw away my vacuumer today It was just collecting dust..
Jesus must've had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I'm putting together a mail-order-bride catalog featuring poor desperate American women looking for a way out...I'm calling it Facebook.
A Kindergarten teacher in Detroit asks her class what sound a pig makes... A boy in the back of the class stands up and yells, "FREEZE MOTHA FUCKA"
[planning heist] LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall? *everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I just read John F Kennedy's biography The end was mind blowing
Why did the chicken not cross the road? The original joke is childish.
What do you do when your daughter says batman raped her ? Switch to the spiderman outfit.
What did the psychiatrist say to the crazy naked guy wrapped in cellophane? Clearly, I can see your nuts.
Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist? He reads lips :)
They call me nubby He announced as he entered the bar. One of the regulars ask why? Will let me warn you about telling her to eat it like a hotdog.
What do you call a black guy who plays the piano? a pianist
What did the animal killer scream as he attacked the alpaca farm in Tibet? DIIIIIEEEEE LLAMA!
What's the best part of having Alzheimer's? You get to meet new people everyday!
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dickhead, I can let you know about it.
I went to see a Spanish magician and he told the crowd that he could make himself disappear on the count of three. He started counting. "Uno! Dos!" And then he was gone. Without a tres.
Wrote "I wanna rock!" on every answer to this Geology test and they made me a tenured professor with a beard and an Indiana Jones hat.
Life of a chef must suck. All your work eventually turns to shit.
What is a Freudian slip? It's when you say one thing but fuck your mother
*air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant." *air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant."
Paranoid? Nope. I'm just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Why couldn't the Meteor marry the Ice Comet? It had a fear of Cometment
I showed my cop roommate "Requiem for a Dream" for the first time last night. It was so dark, he shot the t.v.
"Hi I'm here to interview for the branch manager position." "We're only hiring tree trimmers." "That's exactly what I just said."
Dallas Police is hiring As of Friday morning they have 5 positions to fill
Assuming Twitter is legally binding, when I die, please wrap me in a giant ball of burrata as this is my greatest wish. Thank you.
God loves everyone You know, it's in that book you hold up when you're yelling at gay people.
"I love plates." - Plato
If I ever get AIDS, I hope I get it from an Indian. Because he'll take them back.
I'm a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks
So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar... and was immediately disqualified.
What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails? Jesus
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today... And that's just for the alcohol.
A vulture tries to get on an airplane with a raccoon under each wing. The pilot stops him saying, "Sorry, you're only allowed one carry-on."
After reviewing Spielberg's WWII movies I can't decide which actor is superior, Tom Hanks in "Saving Private Ryan" or Sarah Jessica Parker in "War Horse."
Bob drowned... , so at his funeral we put a life jacket over his grave. It is what he would have wanted.
I'm so tired I could eat a horse.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60, she's 97 today... and we don't know where the fuck she is.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the stomach.
Sean Spicer said the inauguration had the "largest audience ever." Then he took it back because your mother left.
I'm going to the inaugural meeting of the Dodgem Car Appreciation Society later. They're expecting a bumper crowd.
If you don't like being a door mat....then get off the floor
What do you call it when your lizard doesn't know how to use the internet? e-reptile dysfunction
*Runs into bank with gun* Alright! Everyone put your hands up! *Tickles everyone*
I was considering getting a sex-change... But I lost my tran of thought.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I'd tell you a joke about my penis... but it's way too long.
What does a Native American Biologist live in? ATP
What car does Catwoman drive? A Purrgeot.
Do you before read your tweets even sending them?
Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, "drop-off done" & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.
What happens to someone who gets attacked by bees? They get bee'd up
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I am born to mixed-race parents ...but my mom preferred the 100 metres.
What did the scientist say before he died by mixing Hydroxide and Nitrate? "OH^- NO^3+ !"
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Why can't British people go to North Korea? Nobody at the ticket counter knows what "north career" means
Where does King Kong sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
New fast food chain in Germany Apparently is called "In-and-Auschwitz Burgers." The slogan is "Bacon isn't the only thing cookin in the oven!"
Which online dating site connects me with single-malt liquor in my area?
What is the difference between an Eskimo and a eunuch? One is a frigid midget with a rigid digit, the other is a massive vassal with a passive tassel (found this in Horace's Satires)
I was flattered that our mailman calls me "Sunshine" until I overheard him call my neighbor, the double amputee, "Speedy."
[HR office] Do you know why we called you in today? To give me a pay rise? No. Because I googled 'How to burn down office' 600 times? Yes.
HELP I had a nightmare that I spent endless hours online seeking approval from complete strangers
Fine! I do actually believe in a higher being.. His name is Jonathan and he's about 5 inches higher than me. That bastard.
Soviet KGB Joke Group of people sit around telling political anecotes, one person says: ok guys please slow down ... why? ... my hand is tired from writing down names ...
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said "HELP ME!". It was not.
It's really weird to think about the fact that I've slept with literally everyone in my high school.. It's a lot less weird when you realize it's one in the morning and my high school is vacant.
Why are there more females in the asexual community? because lesbians don't get boners.
My computer was singing hello.. Its a Dell.
Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can, 4/10
America sure is having some bad luck It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Beyonce should have her own trampoline company.
How come sneezes get a "God Bless You" but coughs get a cold unflinching silence?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 934 pounds.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side! Credit goes to [Savage Chickens.](http://www.savagechickens.com/2005/03/door-number-one.html)
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
What's the preferred beer of Dogme 95? Natural Light.
A man walks into a bathroom and slips on a turd.. Another man approaches and says ''are you alright mate? I just did that''
What does a slave owner do with his slaves when he's finished with them? Races 'em.
What do you call a dog from another planet? A dal-martian
What do you do if an Elephant comes through your window? Swim for your life!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.... ...those who understand Binary, and those who don't.
Does Bill Cosby like puddin? Yeah, puddin his dick where it doesn't belong.
No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
A joke Chris Rock should have used at the Oscars The Oscars.... where the carpets are red and the candidates are white.
[job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.
You know what they say about hungry hippos... It was modeled after a date with OP's mom.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
What kind of ants are very learned ? Pedants !
My UPS guy just moved half-way across the country to be a stand-up comic His jokes are great but my delivery was way off
If you can't tell the difference between "erotic" & "exotic" then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I hope when they find the cure for cancer it's gluten free otherwise no thanks
Today I Learned.... Jumble Boogie browrearrr browrearrr
Why didnt the witch have any children? Because her husband had a hollow weenie
Stranger with a black eye is trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond cause it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.
What's Snoop Dogg's favorite time of day? Tree O'clock!
There's no better feeling than not giving a fuck.
Why is Antarctica controversial? It's a polarizing topic.
America &amp; UK are competing to see who can fuck up their country the most... UK is in the lead... but America has a Trump card.
Oh no sir, that shark wasn't attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.
A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy... "What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."
Popular joke in Ukraine "Driver of a Russian humanitarian aid truck was beaten by Russian soldiers when tried to light a cigarette near cans with beef stew."
What do you call a carpet cleaning company based out of Ohio? Cleveland Steamers
The Pope originally wanted to invite Hillary to speak but the Vatican couldn't afford it.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
DENTIST: Been flossing? ME: Yup D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Please write another brilliant status about how high you are. I'm on the edge of my seat here.
A blonde orders a pizza A blonde orders a pizza and is asked if she wants it cut into six or 12 pieces. She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."
NPR recently started a heavy metal band. 'All Things Dismembered'
I should become a proctologist After all I deal with assholes everyday!
Why did they bury the fireman beneath the hill? because he was DEAD
What do you call a pickle that draws? A dillustrator.
Why did Hitler want to rise in power? Because he wanted a Kaiser roll.
Husband &amp; wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver &amp; wife is kidney. If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.
I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great... I just kneaded the dough I'm sorry, I'll leave now...
macklemore could poop into his own bare hands onstage & half the write-ups would be "ah finally a rapper who isn't obsessed with shiny cars"
If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!
What song was playing at Pulse last Saturday night? "It's Raining Men"
If you lost my trust, don't expect that sh*t back.
When I found out my girlfriend was having a baby my life really changed. specifically my name, address and phone number.
Dear Men. When a woman says she doesn't want to talk about it, you'd better shut up, grab a chair and get ready to listen...for hours.
I don't understand why we use the word 'late' to describe someone who died, what were they late for? The funeral?
What do you call Tums in suppository form? Bums
how can you tell you whenyou're in a ring of fire? When you reach for the Preparation H but accidentally grabbed a BenGay.
Why does green think yellow is such a slut? Because yellow blue red.
A curious tradition -- to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, "Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me."
An invisible man attacked me while he was masturbating. He came out of nowhere.
Why don't they have driving classes and sex Ed on the same day in Saudi Arabia? Because the camels can't handle it
You wanna know what makes me smile? Face muscles
Shout out to all the people in church today, who didn't speak to anyone, cause their breath still smelled like Jack Daniels.
Which of these three does not belong: (A) a lobster, (B) a flounder, or (C) a Korean man who has just been run over by a bus? The answer is (B) a flounder. The other two are crushedAsians.
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a "SAMANTHA" sign, then cry after everyone's exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
What do you call 5 black people having sex in the 1800's? A threesome.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
Teacher : Do you know the reason Manchester United lost to Arsenal ? Student : Manchester United lost because their defenders were Young, Small and Blind
The 'C word' My girlfriend hates it when I say the "C word". This one time, we were watching Spongebob and I'm like "hey, its 'C word'!" and shes like "it's Squidward, you cunt"
A scared look and a "let me go google that" is not what you want to hear from the gynecologist.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.
Life is like chess... We can't all be white.
I don't know what you guys think about Michael Jackson... and these blackmail allegations but I'm pretty sure he used to be one.
At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.
My Grandads motto was "Never give up".... He died of lung cancer
Teacher: What's 2 and 2 Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good Pupil: Good ? that's perfect !
So.. I woke my gf up with oral sex this morning -Oh wicked, what'd she say? -Thtoph, thtoph!
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Don't ever compete against Heinz... You're always going to play catch up.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she's gone.
TIFU in Subway Oops, wrong sub!
Why was 9 afraid of 7? Because 6, 7 8.
"I am John Lennon" - the Walrus
Domestic abuse joke I went to a restaurant the other night and my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered real slow because obviously she can't listen.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you. Her: Tell me... Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I'm starting a new sport where people race on sea horses. I call it, "Aquastrianism."
Why did Kim Jong Un Instagram his missile? It was the only way he could send it.
Mum Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !
What drink can wrongly convict a black man? Tequila Mockingbird
How do you say constipated in german? Farhfrumpoopin'.
My relationship status is like that other missing sock, I'm all alone and eventually end up getting trashed
"You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!! ~Poprah
What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes? Beekeepers. Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.
How does a black man laugh? They snigger.
Why did the lizard use viagra? He had a reptile dysfunction! Credit goes to Gilbert Gottfried
Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.
When I like a girl, I play it cool. I wait. I text once, wait 60 years, and then I die.
A woman just asked me what 'mansplaining' is. I think it's a trap. We've been staring at each other in silence for nearly an hour now.
A joke this subreddit will love What's worse than a whale with a sore tooth? When you go to kiss your grandma goodbye and she slips you the tongue.
Your mama is so fat... If she falls she drops harder than Skrilex...
USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has? 24/7
My teenage son is obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine. But I'm sure it's just a phase.
Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen !
"I'm hungry. Except for anything you made. There's no way I'm eating that." - Kids
I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?
Liberty Bowl 2014 Of course it comes as no surprise that just across the street from the "AutoZone Liberty Bowl" would be the "Advanced AutoParts Freedom Bowl".
I was looking through the living room window at the tree I'd just planted and I thought to myself "Why didn't I plant it out here in the garden?"
What do you call one black on the moon? Problem. What do you call ten blacks on the moon? Problems. What do you call the entire black population on the moon? Problem solved.
How amazing would it be if President Obama turned around and said, "One more thing" and then revealed the iPhone 5.
Did you hear that Jenner accident was actually caused by the car? Bruce was having tranny problems.
In 1828 Franz Schubert was buried next to Beethoven... They wanted to decompose together.
What's an Xbox fanboys' least favourite film? P.S. I Love You
Beyonce's hair is always blowing because she has so many fans
What's your favorite tasteless 9-11 joke? Here's mine. Knock knock. Who's there? 911. 911 who? You said you'd never forget
What's Beethoven's favourite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA!
So I was on r/news the other day... [removed]
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
32. Never married. No children. nnI'm the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.
An old man was sitting there trying to dook 1 out... His dooker was all empty, void of a duke. As he, sat there and peed, shat free, he re,alized, that he, was, "squeezin for no reason"
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Betty: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
How do you call it when a blond girl dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence.
Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor's dog.
already regret the text i'm about to send
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
[NSFW] Doctor, doctor! Woman: Doctor, doctor! I've got three vaginas! Doctor: Well are they causing you any problems? Woman: Problems!? I'm getting fucked left right and centre!
Zombies are a fun reminder that the first thing people want to do when they're dead and beyond the law is murder everyone in sight.
Where do epileptics get pizza? Little Seizures.
Knock knock Who's there? The pastor The pastor who? Open the fucking door goddamit, there's a crazy white man with a gun, let me out!
Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.
A mathematician walks into a bar. The bartender says "You just missed happy hour. All drinks fifty percent off" The mathematician says "Thanks, I'll halve to remember that"
"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?" "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
How do you get a jew out of his car? Tell him it runs on gas
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Saw a black guy with seven fingers today! Turns out he was eating a kitkat.....
Girls and square roots have one thing in common... If they are under 13, do 'em in your head.
what do you call a pissed off group of door handles? An angry knob
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he's blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
"I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty" It's fall?? "Ya, so what?" [leaves start attacking everyone] OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
My mom always told me to be nice to the neighbors So I told my best friend to suck his own dick
Simple. An Irishman walks out of a bar.
If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain Then you are some kind of weirdo *swipes left on tinder*
I once knew a Vulcan who grew up in London He had a Spockney accent.
Why do elephants eat raw food ? Because they don't know how to cook !
What's the difference between Sebastian Vettel and a jew? The facial expression when you hit the gas.
What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Don't let... ...an extra chromosome get you down.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
BREAKING NEWS: A man breaks two ribs while laying in bed! ...and we'll return after this short commercial with more on how a man attempted to suck his own penis!
Woke up early this morning to try to catch the fog. I Mist.
What's red, white and sits in a hole in a tree? A sanitary owl
A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells: "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done. Me: Help me clean? 5: No. Something fun.
BREAKING NEWS!! Cheese Factory Explosion... De-Brie is everywhere!
Whats the difference between jews and boy scouts? Boy scouts come home from camp
I wanted to upload the Mexico-Chile game to PornHub... ... but PornHub said they don't accept rape.
African scientists are saying people who died of Ebola are coming back to life... But thats ridiculous, every one knows theres no such thing as african scientists.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross. I have sex with her because it's kinky.
Why is impersonating John Cena illegal in Mexico? Because there's only Juan Cena
Why were all the oompa loompas black in Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory? Because Orange is the New Black.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles lastnight.. My next poop could spell, Disaster.
There are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that keep their inbox at zero... and the kind that want to run for president someday.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If you want to surrender, what do you do? Become french
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I've found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
What kind of car does a pirate drive? A Yarrrrrrrrris.
Some chick got her nipple pierced at the bar last night. I'm not very good at darts.
Why did you cut me down, lumberjack? Lumberjack: Oh, you really don't know why? Tree: Sorry, I'm stumped.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.
I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.
My moral compass just spins.
What does it mean when a man makes eye contact with a woman while she speaks? Her tits aren't nice
Have you heard about the deaf guy? I don't think he did either.
Thheres just not enough moisture in food now a days. Run that shit under the faucet
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat-belt. Credit goes to some caller on the Dean Blundell show. I couldn't make that up
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming? ROFLMFAO! JK! Lolz Ttyl KK Ur BFF, Hannibal ~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80% rice krispies.
How much does a dragon weigh? Wonton
What does a stegosaurus eat off of? His plates. -Jude; My five-year-old son
[dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."
How much liquid can Monica Lewinskys mouth hold? One U.S. Liter
It's like trying run the BostonMarathon with Siamese Twins... They're both pulling in different directions
It has been said that the United States has  the best congressmen money can buy.
So today my doctor told me I had to quit masturbating. I asked "Why?" He says "Because I'm trying to examine you."
What's blue and smells like red paint? blue paint
I just tried an inverted yoga pose that my friend told me about... it was highly rectum-ended
Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob
My wife wanted half &amp; half... I got her whole milk
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that's not my wifes phone number at all. She's zero fun today
The first thing I do in the shower is wash my asshole. Just wanna get that shit out of the way.
I wrote a play on my computer It's a play on word
Is the subscribed to r/jokes number a joke? I laughed but still. I find it unlikely that a quarter billion people subscribed to r/jokes
There are two types of people in the world: 1) Those that can be arsed to finish their jokes.
I decided to leave work an hour early today You should have seen the look on the co-pilot's face when I grabbed that parachute.
How do you know when a movie is going to be shitty? There are more than 1 SNL cast members in it
What do you call a group of polar bears that support Donald Trump? A basket of depolarbears
What do you call a sexually aroused caveman? Homo Erectus.
{newer version} I like my coffee like I like my slaves Dark, strong &amp; black and locked inside somewhere so it cant leave. They must be cheap to purchase and it cant talk back to me.
A leper walks up to a hooker and says "keep the tip."
I'm a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.
What's Darth Vader's corrupt brother's name? Taxi Vader
Where are you when you're in the U.K. waiting for Vietnamese soup? Pho queue
*breathes on window creating condensation *starts to write in condensation *sneezes *head slams into window and breaks it
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...
[1st date] Would it be odd if someone brought their cat on a date? Her: Very, what's in the box? Nothing, waiter cancel that can of tuna
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I just gave a woman $700 to put her screaming baby in the overhead compartment on this plane.
I live by 2 simple rules: 1. Don't treat people like shit. 2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
What do you call it when a Jamaican kid's getting roasted Bwoi-opsy
What do you call an all you can eat pizza buffet? Carb Blanche!
I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What did Optimus Prime say to Arcee? Have you ever blown a Transformer?
Me? Just throwing magnets at strangers in the park to try to expose robots.
And now for the most stupidest joke ever. How do you say the word "peanuts" *without* the letter "t"? Think about it.
AKA What's another word for Italian cologne? Garlic
What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him? Sorry, my fault.
People used to laugh at me when I said "I want to be a comedian." Well, nobody's laughing now.
What do Coors Light and sex in a canoe have in common? They're both fucking close to water.
Reddit, I need your help. Cascade me with unintended pregnancy jokes for a female friend!
An Atheist, a Vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar I only know that because they told everyone all about it within 2 minutes... and again..and again.
A little girl says to her Mother: Girl: Mom, I'm Bleeding. Mother: That's OK sweetie. It's just a sign you're becoming a woman. Girl: OK I was just worried about this axe in my shoulder.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I'm super nice just trying to figure out why I can't breathe when I eat chips
I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.
Give Michael Cera a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll be like, "ewww you have to touch worms? Gross"
What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter? The rogue one
What's less funny than /r/Funny? /r/Jokes
Ugh, I just finished eating at a restuarant, and some patronizing waitress kept asking if I wanted another shaker! It was so insalting!
Tonight's Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls. AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.
You ever lied so much on a resume, you're actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?
A human fart can be louder than a trombone I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
Why aren't "Blonde jokes" funny? Cause they're stupid.
I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music... At first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.
Two aerials meet on a roof  fall in love  get married. The ceremony was rubbish  but the reception was brilliant.
What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend? The knife has a point.
Did you hear that archaeologists discovered an unusual ancient Egyptian tomb recently? The body was preserved with chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Roche!
I'd like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers. "I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby."
I haven't washed my dogs in months I guess I like my bitches dirty
My boss dressed up as Caitlyn Jenner in a mini-skirt He showed a lot of balls...
5-year-old: I'm supposed to find out more about my hero for school. Me: Aw, you came to me. 5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym... I guess we just weren't working out.
George Carlin: Dead. Leslie Nielsen: Dead. Mitch Hedberg: Dead. Greg Giraldo: Dead. Dane Cook: A-Okay. God has some explaining to do.
Sex is like the Dudley Do Right Show. And her orgasm is like that poor women trapped on the train tracks while you franticly try and get her off before the train comes on her face.
What do the Canadian Illuminati call themselves? The Illuminat-Eh!
We've secretly replaced Janet's coffee with melatonin capsules. Let's see if okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed...
"Subpar accommodations. One star." - Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch... BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird) BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.
Do you like snow? Yes Or Snow
Chevrolet has seen a huge drop in sales in Canada They just hate the 2016 Cruze
All men are idiots...and I married their king.
If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy" You get "This page cannot be found".
What's The Difference Between Snowmen, &amp; Snow Women? Snowballs.
If it wasn't for morning television where would these forgotten musicians perform their 1992 hit singles?
Why do teachers use a bamboo cane? Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room* *calls to renew prescription*
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaahh
What's Shaking? Not Ali....
video games are cool because they allow a diversity of themes. whether the old west, Mars or Middle Ages, u can go there and shoot a dude
When you're cold inside, where do you stand? You usually want to stand at a corner, they're around 90 degree's xD
How bad is it to poop your pants? It Depends
What makes a great pizza joke? It's all in the delivery.
Breaking both of your legs sucks. I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over? Me: Yeah Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I tried water polo but... My horse drowned.
What do you call a masterbating zombie? A Deadbeat.
If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.
Do you know why women love zombies? Because zombies love what's on the inside, not the outside!
A banana walk in to a doctors office... A banana walks in to a doctors office and says to the doctor "I'm not peeling very well!" ;-; Sorry...
What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite film? It's fucking Frozen.
Why does SnoopDogg carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle!
How to you read a book? Just reddit.
[Long] longest joke in the world My dick Didn't see that coming.
Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution Bone-less turkey
A guy in the store on his cell said "Susan, I'm in my car on my way" so I yelled "NO HE'S NOT!" Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I think women are fantastic Every man should own several!
What is the dumbest joke you've ever come up with, while at work or in school? Go!
So what's the deal with Jesus? I mean he's just been hangin' around for the last 2000 years.
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if you were named Aaaurrrraaaaggghh!
Hey rappers on twitter, saying "LOL" in every tweet is about as gangster as two dolphins sitting on a rainbow tongue kissing
A college in Boston is offering a major in comedy... One student commented, "I think I have a future in this. Every time I tell someone what I'm studying, they laugh."
A man walks up to a cop on a horse... ...wow! That's a nice pig you've got! \-- That's not a pig, sir, but a horse. \-- I'm not talking to you!
Did you hear the Vikings traded Adrian Peterson? They traded him to the Minnesota Twins because the Twins needed a Switch Hitter.
Why do chicken coups only have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans.
Pumpkin Cider? I hardly know her!
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." Shouldn't there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Me: so I've been a little unclear regarding everything you've asked me to do since Monday Boss: Jesus Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
What's Rickon Starks favourite band? One Direction
Why did a pregnant lady walk into Jimmy Johns? They promised freaky fast delivery
I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says "May contain almonds." What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
What do you give a girl that has everything? Penicillin
"Do you have a problem with drugs?" "Nah, I don't have a problem with drugs. I like all of them."
this guy said i had a chip on my shoulder. i looked over and saw a bowl of salsa on his. i knew right then kids. your father was my soulmate
Beer:"You know what would be funny?" Me:"No. What?" Beer:"Really? Finish me and have four more then I'll ask again." Me:"Yes, sir."
Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky stopped smoking cigars? Now she's just bummimg cigarettes!
Why is the stick attached to the roof? Because it is sticky.
Trump:  Do you wanna build a snowman?  Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman? Trump:  Ok byeee 
Pimp my ride I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA. Should look cool on my black jeep.
Community college
DROWNING LAWYER Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
What do you call black characters in Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Niggas in Ferris.
Did you hear about my cruel psychic Maths teacher called Moe who's great with a sniper rifle? He's a mean medium, Moe, with range.
Wanna hear a racist joke? What's worse than the Holocaust? The Jews.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says "some asshole has my pen" edit: Original Joke by Jimmy Carr (thanks /u/gacres57)
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate pizza before it was cool.
Warning: Dad Joke But it's a classic. Grasshopper walks into a bar and sits. Bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you.". Grasshopper says, "Wow. You got a drink named Kevin?".
A friend just cracked this joke.. Whats the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with N and ends with R? Neighbor
The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you're done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.
A CW pronounces both "r"s in February, both "d"s in Wednesday and has just told me the "correct" way to say segue. Please send weapons.
Guess what came in the mail today? I did. I ran out of napkins.
what did 1 floating british boat say to the other i believe its about high tide for some tea
Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with his broomstick.
There's no "u" in awesome... But there's always "me".
My head hurts worse than your life sucks. Too bad a couple of Advil can't help your patheticism.
What is Black, White and Red all over? My English Monologue Draft...
What do you call a quote with inhuman like abilities? A Super Saying
A guy gets pulled over by a cop. Cop: Your eyes are bloodshot; have you been drinking? Guy: Your eyes are glazed; have you been eating donuts?
The only thing I want to "portion control" is my time spent at work.
I like my women how I like my chicken. Friend: Battered? Me:...no...hot and spicy....
All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.
Ninety-sixing is how dyslexic people perform the sexual position where both partners are conducting oral sex on each other at the same time.
The seven year old is going to be so surprised when she wakes up in this cage painted green with me yelling "I caught a leprechaun!"
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks. 2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I ordered a meal from the International Space Station. My sides are in orbit.
TIL the polish invented breakdance Have you ever tried stealing a wheel from a moving car?
Went out for a drive today in my car &amp; bumped into an old friend... Hope he doesn't sue me.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away. More at www.onebadjoke.com
What do you call 1000 emo kids at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up an turn it into a xylophone
Why should you never give Elsa a balloon? She'll let it go!
Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory? They have such a high turnover rate.
Pretty good one liner ___________.
Every dessert is guilt-free if you're a sociopath
I've done a lot of volunteer work for unwed mothers. Just helping them get their start.
An old couple were in church the other morning and the old lady said to the old man "I've just broken wind silently, what will I do?" He said, "First thing is get new batteries for your hearing aid".
Ate way too much..I'm gonna go to Africa and throw up everything I just ate for all the starving children..yes I do have a generous side.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal looks at the other cannibal and says "hey, does this taste funny?"
(SPOILERS) What kind of car did J.J. Abrams send to pick up Harrison Ford for the new Star Wars premiere? A Hyundai.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back? Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don't drink tequila anymore.
"He is survived by his poop and three hineys." - obituary for the inventor of Mad Libs
What do you call 2 Chainz when he gets fat? 2 Chinz
My son asked me what it's like to be married... So I took his iPod and deleted all of his songs except for one.
Why was the lizard upset with her husband? Because he had a reptile dysfunction. ... Okay bye now
I forgot to turn my SWAG off before I went to bed. I woke up poor and working at McDonald's.
What do you call a scary philosopher? Aristartle
A man went to the register with only a box of condoms. The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?' He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'
I wrote "Clarence sale" instead of "clearance sale" and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we're going.
A man cooled himself to -273.15 Celsius But don't worry he's 0k
I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn't die fast enough for my liking.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My brothers first joke- How do you know God isn't black? Because it's not "I is who I is" My brother is 35...
What do you call a stick that's good at algebra..? AN ARITHMESTICK.
Two grains of sand in the desert.. The first one turns around and says to his friend: "Dude, I think we are being followed". I'll see myself out.
Two cows standing in a field... One cow looks at the other and says "Moo", the other cow says "Fuck I was just about to say that".
What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water? Dolphout
I used to hate peer pressure, but my friends got me into it.
Judge: You're out of order! Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order! *I burst in* Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
"Your resume says you've been to prison?" Me: Sorry, that's a mistake "So you haven't?" Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there
What do you call people with big ears? Nothing, they might hear you
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polyunsaturated
3 great kings Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?" Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first clown says to the second "I think we're doing this joke wrong".
While vacationing in Turkey a second time, I couldn't keep the Arabic names straight, but I saw many familiar fezzes.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? -Walking. -JK, Rowling
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I hate whales I was out at sea and a whale almost destroyed my ship, a crewmember said that whale collisions where common in that area. But I'm positive that whale hit my ship on porpus.
How many members of Coldplay does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but he has to see Radiohead do it first.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He's turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
"What's math?" - people who give 110%
Why wasn't Jesus born in Washington DC? They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin
Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.
If at first you don't succeed, you're probably assembling furniture from IKEA.
If being a disappointment were an Olympic sport.... I could win the gold, have my father present the medal to me, and it still wouldn't be enough for him to be proud of me.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year why are there locks on the doors?
I guess if I had laser hairs, I'd want them removed too.
Do you know what evil kisses sound like? Muah hahaha
Why did Bill Gates name his company "MicroSoft" It is believed "MicroSoft" is a brief description of his penis ;-)
Because it pisses off r/funny Why would I type the punchline in the title?
What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 10 years
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I'll fol- Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Why did the guy spend the entire day throwing out his surplus of herbs? He had too much thyme on his hands.
Did you know you can raise your energy levels by holding sodium in one hand and a AA in the other? Worst thing that will happen is you'll be charged with, A salt and battery.
Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor
I'm offended that horses don't put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Dentist: "You need a crown." - Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"
The name of a cow trying to be a Knight... Sir Loin.
Doctor's Office Roses are red Violets are blue I have an uncomfortable Bladder issue
Narrator: "Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution" [cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
What do you call a dictatorship founded on the principles of Ethos, Logos &amp; Pathos? An Aristotalitarian Regime.
Proof that upside-down and/or opposites world and/or country exists! Every joke, irrespective of the degree of hilarity, will get down votes! XD
What was the name of King Arthur's fattest knight? Sir Cumference. (He ate too much pi)
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift.
I know why my name is Cameron. Father: You know why I named you Cameron? Me:Why Father: cause I came ron
My husband asks too many questions. "Who is Steve?" "Why does he call all the time?" "What's this bill for a hotel room?"
What do asparagus and anal sex have in common? The more it's forced on you as a child, the more you dislike it as an adult.
Adult me: I wish I was a kid again. Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
21st century divorce: I want it stipulated that he can't change the Netflix password.
Double standards are the worst. I mean, one flag is enough.
Why shouldn't you buy a Unionmade watch? For every day it's working, it will break twice, yet still skips ahead half an hour while you're eating lunch.
Did you hear about the Jew and the Scotsman who spent the night together? Apparently that's all they spent.
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... ...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[blind date] Her: I'm a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m.. Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*
Whats the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter? Harry can escape the chamber.
Cop: FREEZE, DON'T MOVE!!! Me: *stops moving* Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me:... Cop: NOW! Me:... Me:... Cop: for the love of god...unfreeze
Is it blowjobs or blow jobs? Fuck, I hate writing thank you cards.
Don't date a left handed girl... righty tighty lefty loosey
(Man) I'd like some cocaine please. (Drug Dealer) Is pepsicaine ok?
Why do white people not like playing uno with mexicans? They take all the green cards
How many designers does it take to change a lightbulb? Does it really have to be a lightbulb?
If the world was a giant sweater, where would all the black people live In the hood
Why did the Crab not share any plankton with his friends? Because he was shellfish.
Boss: What's your five-year goal? Me: Paid administrative leave.
what is the best gift for a jehovah's witness? an advent calender all those doors so many possibiltes.
What a rip off. There's no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
gordon brown is so boring, if he were a spice girl, his name would be "salt"
I loathe tweets like "Be somebody's beautiful tragedy". Might as well tweet using a random word generator. "Be golf brisket honkytonk"
Why should everyone go to the dentist at least once every ten years? Because of tooth decade!
It's amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Chuck Norris Some people think the glass is half full. Some people think it is half empty. Chuck Norris sees scotch.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It's a bird! *squints* It's a plane... *puts on glasses* Oh, it's a plane. Lois: CLARK?!?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don't have to live like that.
Johnny's mother called his father at work... "Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??" "Keep feeding him nickles!"
I went to Thailand... Saw a hot girl in the bar. I kept telling myself "don't get a erection, don't get a erection". After 5 mins, it happened.. She got a erection
When was pasta introduced to the Middle East? when someone fed a genie alfredo
Had a three-way on Valentine's night... Me and Ben &amp; Jerrys. I'm so lonely.
The problem with political jokes is.. They get elected.
The host of Dirty Jobs may have balls of steel... But he's got a Mike Rowe penis.
Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates. That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".
How to win an argument with a deaf girl? Turn off the lights.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I'll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.
Why did Hitler REALLY kill himself? He got his gas bill
Why does everybody love honey? Because it never gets old.
What's the fastest way to get a female Officer to arrest you? Liquor.
I named my kids after the place they were conceived Although I'm almost 100 percent sure Intheass isn't mine.
What did I say when my Neutrogena products worked? well I'm glad I've gotten that cleared up
It's a beautiful day to sit outside and stare into your phone.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Pretty soon you'll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Why don't blind people bungee jump? It scares the fuck out of the dogs.
I want to grow my own food but I can't seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.
Who died and left America in charge? Hitler.
Strip clubs should make the strippers wear garlic scented perfumes so when I come home I can tell my gf I was at an Italian restaurant.
Why do Australians suck at chess? Because they keep saying "checkmate" when the game's not over.
The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
Big trouble in my kitchen tonight. The pot called the kettle black. The cup called the mug white. And they both called the teabag gay.
I like my women like I like my bananas. Cold and covered in bruises.
What do you call a nun with a drinking problem? A bad habit
Here's a joke about North Korea [This post has been removed by the North Korean Government]
A joke from Italy -Dad, do farts have a weight? -I don't think so -So....well, I guess I pooped myself
Why couldn't the lizard have any children? It had a reptile dysfunction!
Sea World threw me out for trying to ride the manatee What's the big deal? It's not like I did it on porpoise!
What do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors? A chicken sedan.
Getting a text from someone when I'm trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
What do you call a dead Australian Wrestler? Stone Cold Steve Irwin
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If it's been forced on you as a child, you won't like it as an adult.
What happens when a woman can't remember her mastectomy? Mammary loss &amp;nbsp; I made this up myself!
My girlfriend surprised me with a car! It's a good thing she missed me.
Keep dimming automatically, laptop screen. We love that.
What is it called when an old priest and a nun having sex both crap in the bed? Holy fucking shit.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I'm staying.
Sarah Palin's new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
3 Big things happened to me today 1) My neighbor said he didn't like me    2) My neighbor got hit by a bus 3) I lost my bus drivers license
Tequila doesn't make me drunk and disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz Police Reports are all written by cops.
[NSFW] where's the best place to have sex? In an Apple orchard, you always get to cum in cider.
How do you tell if a black woman is pregnant? All the cotton has been picked from her tampon.
It's so cool how avocados take forever to get ripe then they're ripe for about 15 minutes then they're rotten then I kill all these hostages
I didn't have a condom last night, so I used a sock... She wouldn't stop complaining about cotton mouth.
I got arrested for indecent exposure. They've sent me to the Small Claims Court.
I hate roller coasters. They always have so much potential, then they go downhill.
What are Mexican hackers called? BanDDoS
History of panties... 50 years ago you'd have to pull down her panties to see her ass. Today, you have to pull her ass apart, to see her panties.
My brother and I had a contest of who could cover their Christmas gifts the best. It was a wrap battle
My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake. He beat me at Mario Kart.
An Australian travels to Houston for business, and sees who he suspects to be a famous football player. So he decides to ask him.... You Watt, mate?
Why do black people like the rain? For drizzle.
[Different] Why isn't Hitler in Mario Kart? Because he can Nazi the road.
RT if your good at grammar.
Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify should just grow a pear.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,,and just started enjoying reading and writing posts.
The "letters to the editor" page of your local newspaper is like Twitter for the elderly.
Why are all black people tall? Because they're negroes!
How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand. - Taken from local Chinese joint fortune cookie.
How are cancer and pregnancy similar? They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.
If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's outside of it? K9P
Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Why couldn't Donald Trump cross the road? Because a wall was blocking his way
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
If sex with two other people is a threesome... and sex with 3 others is a foursome, then I guess that makes me handsome.
ME: [whispering]"Yes, 911? Someone's breaking into my house!" 911: Stay calm. Do you have an address? ME: "um no. I have on pajamas"
Knock Knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrupt... MOOOOOOOO!! (Kids seem to love this one)
What do you call a construction truck wearing a toupee? a dump trump
I'd like your advice on this, as long as it agrees with what I already did
"There's plenty of fish in the sea" is just something people say because you're going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Knock knock Who's there? To To Who It's actually "To Whom"
Boss: It's almost quitting time. Drinks? Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself. Boss:...
What do you call a swiss priest? A Holy Cheese!
A friend bought a carton of cigarettes from an Israeli grocery and said she found something for a computer in it It was a JewSB drive
Why was the comedian so depressed? He felt like everyone was just laughing at him.
If I had a dollar for every repost I saw on r/Jokes... I'd have a lot of money
Haven't been sleeping well, which is ridiculous cuz I have decades of experience
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Her eyes said no....... But my roofies said yes.
Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.
I now have an EpiPen My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed really important that I have it, I will cherish forever.
Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow? The steaks are just too high.
When someone says "No Biggie", I reply with "not since 97" and immediately break down crying
#BLM is like frosting gotta beat some whites to stay real
Why did the semen cross the road? Because that's where the submarine was.
How do deaf mathematicians communicate? Sine language!
My boyfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because he doesn't exist.
Did you hear that the king of the jungle fell into a deep, deep sleep? He's a lion in a coma.
What's the difference between a pimple and a Catholic Priest? A pimple waits until you're 13-years-old before coming on your face.
Oral exam A mother asks her son how the oral exam was. Son: "Pious." Mother: "What do you mean?" S: "The professor asks a question, I cross myself. I give him an answer, he crosses himself."
What's the difference between a virgin and a lightbulb? You can un-screw a lightbulb.
Cops: "Please step out of the car" Me: "I can't. I'm drunk. You get in."
What's the worst thing about being a gynecologist? You can't eat on the job.
Sucks the USA lost. Now we can't keep watching TV at work.
Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going."
The FBI, CIA, LAPD, and some Rabbits
Every website requiring subscription would like to wish you a Happy Birthday today!
Grandma's not dead... ... she just stored in the cloud now.
Did you hear about those 3 guys who stole a Calender? They each got 4 months.
What do a Jewish mother-in-law and 60 Minutes have in common? They both always start with tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk...
what is Mozart doing now? decomposing
What do you call a Jewish baby who isn't circumcised? A girl.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator
What is long, hard and full of semen A submarine
I thought you were Russian... ...but it turns out you were just Stalin and Putin me off.
How did they come up with Canada's name? Well first they picked a C, eh. Then an N, eh. Then a D, eh.
Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Someday, my kids will say "daddy, wanna hear a cool story" and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.
Why didn't the dog want to go into outer space? Because he was scared of vacuums!
Have you watched the documentary about sponges? It's absorbing.
What do you have in a room full of tweakers? A full set of teeth.
My grandfather was an alcoholic but an amazing magician Whenever he wanted he could turn into a bar.
For a ski team, these guys in the 7-11 sure have a lot of guns!
what do you call a fake noodle? An IMPASTA!
So if Lucy died 3.2 million years ago after falling from a tree... ...does that qualify her for a Darwin award?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo? ME: [from the kitchen] No DATE: Oh. What's for dinner? ME: A suspiciously large chicken
If Donald Trump becomes president... Does that make orange the new black?
My girlfriend asked me how much we would spend at our wedding. Me: I don't want to spend very much. Her: I want it to be a ten thousand dollar wedding. Me: Okay, so you, can do that then.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
How do you make the hippie run out of money? You hide daddies credit card under a bar of soap.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny! [ ](http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/warnerbros/42096/images/42096-hi-Bugs_Bunny.jpg)
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
What do you call an Eagle who can't catch it's prey? *Talon*tless. ...Sorry.
I said to my Doctor, "I've become a can of deodorant." He said, "Are you sure?" I replied, "No, I'm Lynx."
i want to be objectified but only by very specific people
Q: Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague? A: He was looking for a Czech mate.
What do you call a group of rappers that masturbate in synchronization? Bone Tugs In Harmony
Did you hear about the eel party last night? It was electric
My father said to me: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' So I sent him to a boarding school in England.
What's the difference between a thief and a pervert? A thief ~~steals~~ snatches your watch, a pervert watches your snatch. EDIT: I've done fucked it up.
The Snake Handler The snake handler suffered from a reptile dysfinction
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can? A dead baby in 6 trash cans.
Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
[Oreo meeting] What about 'sextuple stuffed' "That's just inappropriate Jeff you're fired" [later googling Sextuple] "Omg that's genius"
How do you start an earthquake in East Africa? Shake Djibouti.
It's all fun and games until you realize you're the girl at work known as "how is she still employed."
What is the driest soda you can buy? Baking soda.
How do you know when you're REALLY drunk ? ANS - When you are lying face down in your front lawn and you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off.
A man wanted to join the peeing club He went up to the club owner and asked "Can I join?" To which he replied, "You're in."
Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 Ho's (sorry if it's a re-post)
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry managed to escape the chamber.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters
Straight Outta Compton Beat the Crap Out of Trainwreck at the Box Office This Weekend But then again Dr. Dre is no stranger to beating women.
If you're the best at bodybuilding, all you've really accomplished is grossing the rest of us out.
How was the sound quality of Shrek's musical keyboard? Nothing special, it was just MIDI-Ogre
An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.
Domestic violance in progress. When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
What's the biggest type of tree? A Country.
What do you call a castrated male chicken that runs an illegal moonshine business? Al Capon
New virus Did you hear about the problems with the new Facebook game "Kitchen Ville"? A virus has been hitting it hard, but it only deletes the cook ware. It is an E-Pan-Demic.
How did Al Gore invent the Internet? With Al-Gore-rithims
Lesbian relationships The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.  Apparently "in HD" was the wrong answer.
I saw a murder today It was awesome. There must've been 50 crows in it.
Why did the Polish man think his wife was plotting to murder him? He found a bottle of polish remover on her dresser
What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common? They're both under DC.
[getting a haircut] BARBER: anything else? ME: cut me BARBER: what? no ME: like sweeney todd BARBER: i'm no- ME:make me into a pie
Got any jokes which can be used every day? Like... When people say I'm cold, you can reply... Stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees. What other jokes can be thrown into every day life like that?
I don't come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
I don't know what Do-It-Yourself project Bono has been working on for the past 7 yrs but he must be tired of wearing those safety goggles.
There are two types of men in the world... Men that pee in the sink Men that lie
What would you call a social media marketing genius? Masterbaiter
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[interview] Ok, don't let them know you're naked "Why are you naked?" dammit
I tried to grab some fog. I mist.
Why does the swimming pool get laid every night? Because he makes all the ladies wet.
What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common? Always have to smell it, never get to eat it.
What's it called when you look in the mirror and say "jesus christ I look good"? Using the lords name in vanity
Had a little dog named Mustard, he didn't relish me so he ran away. I couldn't catch up.
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything
I wanna see Le Pan Quotidien fight Au Bon Pain in a pretentious chain restaurant cage match & the winner gets to fight Pret-a-Manger.
Two guys are walking and one walks into a bar... The other one ducks
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself. It was super cute. Then the pig threw up all over her. Considerably less cute.
How do you make a plumber cry? Staple a frog to his forehead
What do Marge Simpson's vagina and Argentina have in common? They both got destroyed by Maggie.
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware problem.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire. Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out.
NSFW: What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
Chics are like Voltron. The more you hook up with, the better it gets.
What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? 1 US Leader.
What did the cheese maker say after his factory was hit by lightning? I've created a muenster. I know, I know, it was cheesy joke.
Poured Tresemme on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Let's name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If the next iPhone is a 6s... Does that mean the one after that will be a failure?
What has webbed feet and fangs? Count Quackula.
If you say 'my cocaine' really loudly, you will sound exactly like Michael Caine saying his own name. I will never get tired of this.
What do vegan cannibals eat? Only vegetables.
Why do you stop at a stop sign? Just because it says to? What if it said "Eat 54 chicken nuggets and do a cartwheel"? Would you do that too?
Drug mules carry cannabis up their asses. That shit is dope.
If you're in a hot dog eating contest, poop on the table, and then while everyone is too grossed out to eat, just finish one hot dog.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? 0
The Friend zone. It's like being turned down for a job, then they call you a week later complaining about the person they hired.
I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought "don't get a boner, don't get a boner." But she did.
My bitchy girlfriend and I broke up, because she's moving to another state. I'll miss her a lot. I mean, my aim's good, but not *that* good.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Well... the Earth just rotated 360 degrees on its axis. Let's call it a day.
Early christians supported marijuana usage. Just think about how many get stoned.
Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me. *walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi
Test Post Pls Ignore! April fools.
What's the best part about having sex with a transvestite? Doing the reach around and pretending you went all the way through.
what did the man say when he tried to get FREA with his dog? "oops, forgot the KY"
One day mike was praying god and suddenly god appears God: What do you want? Mike: A job, Big Car and Lot of Girls God: Your wish is granted Poor Mike is Driver of Girls School Bus.
Why aren't there many female NASCAR drivers? Because women always think they're right.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? Salad shooter.
A female plumber? Yeah, I'd tap that.
look. alls I'm saying is, with that many extremist in one single location, we'd be crazy NOT to take the X-Games to the Middle East. what?
Say "I won a math debate" 5 times really fast! Now slap yourself for being such a pervert.
I caught my wife having sex with another man with the lights on I didn't know had married a man!
Why aren't eagles allowed to be sick in america? Because that would be illeagle
Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks? HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR
I just blew off some steam and it wouldn't even kiss me afterward.
Don't post negative things here Electrons
BoyFriend &amp; GirlFriend BoyFriend : Hey.! Please give me a kiss.. GirlFriend : No, Not before marriage.. BoyFriend : Don't Worry Darling, I am already married..
I wish I could put my whole fucking house in the washing machine.
Zootopia It'll either make your kid more tolerant or turn them into a furry.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another? ME: (OK don't blow this) Sure *she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I don't understand poor people They keep saying they have "nothing", then when there's a flood ot a fire, they say they lost "everything".
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought "wow look at this robot!!"
How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
What happens when Jack in the box is not centered properly He becomes Jack off in the box.
It's difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.
Worst thing to ask a gay man during an argument? Why so butthurt?
*slides $5 to the funeral director* Maybe you can get me the widow's phone number?
I won the Most Unreliable Employee award. I'll collect it when I can be bothered to go back in.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?
people who say "guess what" and make you actually guess make me want to die
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have their pricks on the outside
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!
I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
Why do urologists like UTIs? It means urine business.
Why were all the ladies attracted to Jesus? Because he was hung like this. (Hold your arms out wide)
What type of bees make milk...? Boo-bees!
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
So I was listening to classical music really loudly the other day when suddenly... My speakers Baroque.
In honor of today, "Knock Knock..." Whose there? 9-11. 9-11 who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!! :(
What should you do if your car's engine is running slow? Get it to do some CARdio
Bad joke I made up Where do black people stay when they visit Alaska? A nigloo
Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on appeal
"MAYBE IT'S THE TRANSMISSION!" I scream helpfully when I drive past anyone who's car is broken down on the side of the road...
What is Yellow and Red? That is *the* ultimate question.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won't be unusual.
Why did the Baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo
Kids claim to be such big fans of Mickey Mouse, but you don't see them with an icechest full of Capri Sun tailgating for Disney On Ice.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
I like the pink cans of mace because looking adorable while preventing rape is very important to me.
Fun Christmas Trivia: "Myrrh" is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.
I was gonna submit a gay joke, BUTT fuck it...
the logic of why the line in front of this bathroom is so long if pee, then queue
Kate on Facebook can't believe the ordacity of some people. I can't believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can't spell.
As I sat on the toilet this morning I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
How did the tiger escape from the zoo without being spotted? Tigers have stripes.
I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year... I fucking hate prison.
My brother just lost his left hand, but the doctor told me not to worry. He's going to be alright.
"I work with computers." "Do you know a lot about computers?" "I know they're heavy." (forgot the comics name, he was on Jay Leno long ago)
How to be a douche bag game-show host. Host: Another word for "overtake"? Contestant: Pass. Host: Wrong. The correct answer would be "pass".
What is a Japanese girl's favourite dessert Senpai
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill... Apparently a turban, beard and backpack wasn't what they had in mind
I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
What do you call a Chinese man with a lot of cats and dogs? A pet shop owner you racist scum!
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: excuse me, but I can't taste the alcohol Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here. Me: YOU SHOULDN'T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Little Caesar's meeting] "We need a new, clever slogan" *everyone looks at Jim* Jim: Um... Pizza...Pizza? "Jim...U just saved this company"
If the Fresh Prince owned an airline, what would it be called? BelAir
Apparently. white is the new black... Just ask the Spokane NAACP
Whats the difference between Paul Walker and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands. there is no cure.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I've had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It's almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I'll bet Miss Piggy kissed a lot of princes before she found her frog.
ME: My dog's so happy I'm working from home. DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
What did the book say to the librarian? Can I take you out?
Boy to his Girlfriend: Can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.... Girl: You have the largest penis among your friends.
Boss: Just spend the company's money with the same discretion as you would your own. Me: I understand. *bankrupts the company
Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"
A wizard walks into a gay bar... ...And disappears with a poof.
What do you call an arcade game that involves you hitting avocados that pop out of the top of it? Guac-A-Mole.
Don't you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer's space.
My baby was coughing and choking and I panicked because I didn't know what to do. So I grabbed the bong out her hands before she dropped it.
A man walks into a bar... ...with a gun, and shouts, "Who fucked my wife, I'm gonna kill him!" Another man at the bar turns around and says "You ain't got enough bullets mate!"
I bought a new pair of shoes the other day I don't know what they laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Why would 12:00 make the best cop? "Hands up"
Trying to grab something out of my minivan while the automatic door is closing is the most Indiana Jones-y part of my day.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is "married."nLike that's gonna stop me!
There are two types of people in this world... Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
If I had a time machine I'd go back to Germany in 1933 and change my Facebook avatar to an anti-Nazi logo.
Why did the banana go to the hospital? It wasn't peeling well.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I'M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Where did Pedobear go to college? Brigham Young
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn't made of cheese.
What's the difference between an Engineering student and an Arts student when tying their shoes? The arts student gets a mark for it.
I told a joke about ripping up some paper It was tear-ible I'm really sorry!
Did you hear about those new anti-gravity cars? They really drive me up a wall!
Two robots walk into a bar... [...and are immediately banned from the establishment.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sxirv/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_orders_a_rum_and_coke/cx1bzxf)
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Which came first? Chicken or the egg? I CAME FIRST! edit: CAME = CUM
I was on my knees all night, screwing this nut from behind... ...when I woke up this morning, my hands were really sore.
hehe everyone thinks I'm reading something on my phone but really I'm trapped in the prison of my own mind
Why did the vampire go to the doctors? Because he was coffin...
Why do they call me an oven? Because when I get turned on things get really hot
A wife says to her husband.... "I want you to whishper dirty things in me ear,, to which the husband replies: "Kitchen,bathroom,livingroom"...
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre. So he *gives it to her.*
Q: Why do cats eat fur balls? - A: Because they love a good gag!
"Statistics show that most shark attacks happen in shallow water." Really? Maybe cus that's where the ppl are u idiots.
Okay, let's hear everyone's favorite "Yo Mama" jokes! Yo mama so fat she needs a boomerang to put a scarf on!
A new and better nail clipper was invented today What a cutting-edge technology it is
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
When I Die I want my remains to be scattered at Disneyland. I also don't want to be cremated.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
People ask me what it's like designing children's parks... It's all swings and roundabouts to be honest
Michelin, Triangle Shirtwaist, and Brian Williams. "Name a tire, a fire, and a liar."
Chuck Norris ran the 100 meters sprint And lapped Usain Bolt..........twice
If someone ever intimidates you just remember that they're 70% water. *Are you afraid of water...?* Well you should be 300,000 people drown every year.
What's the most popular form of martial arts in Israel? Jew-jitsu
"Put your pants on grandma, you're scaring the reptiles!" - Me, camping
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie u other bakers cant deny When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin It gets FLUNG
"It's raining men. Hallelujah." -The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
What do you call three lesbians on a bicycle? A trike
What do dumbfounded people eat for desert? Geezcake
Hey thanks to whoever told me that Cubby Broccoli invented broccoli, I just looked like a real dipshit in front of my parents
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal's throat.
I just watched a documentary about ships... ...riveting...
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you're left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it? Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I'm not drink. Drank. Drunk.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 eight 9. That's right; That's the punchline.
I'm a trustworthy friend. Count on me to tell you when our relationship is over.
Someone stole my mood ring. I really don't know how I feel about this.
My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.
Hey, are you Jewish? Cause you Israeli hot. My go-to joke at parties.
I was once blind for a couple of years... It was a very dark time in my life.
Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone. That makes life fair.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" could also be titled "I Wrongly Believed My Mother to Be a Cheating Whore"
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? Take the 'F' out of safe and the 'F' out of way.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
You seem awesome. I can't wait to find out what I hate about you.
What's the difference between love, pure love and excessive love? Blowing Swallowing Gargeling
Rules of the metal shop If it's glowing and metal, it's probably hot. Don't put your fingers where you wouldn't put your dick.
A Freudian Slip A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
I want to make an iPhone 5 Joke But its too long
A Photon Checks into a hotel... The bellhop ask, "can I help you with your luggage?" It replies, "I don't have any, I'm traveling light."
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I'd tell you a great time travel joke... but you didn't like it..
How do chinese people laugh over the internet? Lmao Zedong
What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole? You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick.
What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal
What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after three periods!^I^will^see^myself^out^now
[Pours goldfish into aquarium] You're free now "Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?"
If at first you don't succeed...... ......then skydiving is *not* for you.
Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick? To see if he was done cooking.
Pot is a plant, that grows in the ground. If God didn't want it, It wouldn't be around. So all you f*ckers that don't get high, Shut the f*ck up and give it a try!
Why did the Irishman eat only two hundred and thirty-nine beans? Because eating one more would have been two-farty.
Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman farmer who moved into the next valley and boy is he sorry. The hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig  Latin.
Don't you hate it when your girlfriend yells out a different name during sex Like bitch, my name isn't "someone help"
What do you call a Muslim organization that rejects Muhammed? A non-prophet
The Joker What do you call somebody who shares a coffin with the Joker? Heath Lodger!
My wife is divorcing me, apparently she is sick of all my flower puns... I asked her "Where's this stemming from petal?"
My Neighbor's House Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sx or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room? MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Last night I had sex for an hour and 30 seconds. I love when daylight savings time ends!
First post This is not my first post
What are the 2 sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken, brown cow. (say outloud for full effect)
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One I like to crush with a sledgehammer till juice squirts out, the other is a watermelon
How many feminazis does it take to change a light bulb? None Enough light comes in through the glass ceiling
If Math was a dick, I'd be gay. Because I suck at it.
What is the biggest gender on Tumblr? Whale-Kin
We get about 25 screaming 5 yr old little girls together to scream nonstop at terrorists, BOOM, we win the War on Terror!
Speed dating (Don't say anything embarrassing) "So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?" (DAMMIT!)
What's the difference between Geno Smith and a porn star? Nothing, they both suck dick. As a Jets fan it hurts to say. But it's been kind of true.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won't buy the book.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. And then he made it round and laughed and laughed and laughed
What do you call Jewish folk that died from agent orange? *german accent* Orange Juice
I was talking to a religous friend when I remembered that Moses drank lots of tea "Oh really, how does he make it?" "Hebrews it."
Why was windows 10 afraid of windows 7? Because windows 7 8 9.
Heard this one from WWE. Were you born on the highway? No, why? Because that's where most accidents happen!
So a irishman walks out of a pub
What did the mathematician say while golfing? 2 squared!
If there's one thing I'm better at than everyone else... It's humility.
We're gonna break the Twitter on Mother's Day with Your Mom jokes, aren't we?
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
Bernie Sanders won another state last night! The State of Denial
Where does bad light end up? in prism
Why did Wolverine stop checking his e-mail? He kept forgetting his Logan and password.
My blind friend texted me from his new phone today! It said "gwi u dor srw ofjrd"
Why did Princess Di cross the road? Interia
What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor? The training.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
*opens new donut shop called "The Gym"* You're welcome.
Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for  your girlfriend improve her appearance ? Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.
Why do trees die? They become board.
What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the iPhone 6 started? Looking for Jobs.
What do you call a bee in the garage? Garbage.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
Naughty Women People have become very naughty on whatsapp.. Even married women have put their status as AVAILABLE. [Funny Status](http://franksms.com/funny-status-for-you/)
Why couldn't the birthday clown make balloon animals for the children? With the rising cost of inflation he couldn't afford it anymore.
A joke about Chinese censorship [removed]
Baa! "My name is--" Moo! "My name is--" Neigh! "My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady." -Eminem at a farm.
A friend of mine just became a geologist Apparently it's a rocky degree
Who do you call a really thin dinosaur? Tyranosaurus Annorex
What did the man say to the bee who wanted to learn the alphabet? Nothing lmao bees cant learn.
They ran out of bread at the Indian restaurant, but it turned out nobody cared. It was a naan issue.
I overheard a gentleman saying he grew up with Drew Brees, and that he wasn't a very nice person... I said, "Hey! Drew Brees is a *Saint!*"
I would tell you a FedEx joke... but you'd probably wouldn't receive it until a week or so.
What does the German wheat farmer say to his wife in the morning? Gluten Morgen!
Thanks for never punching me in the face, most people.
I think all crime scenes should be photographed on Instagram.
I hope one day they invent a car named "The S-Car" Because everyone will see it and say, "Look at that S-Car go!"
Cannibal one liner A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.
Why was William considered a enemy? Because, His last name was Dafoe
"So you met the victim on tinder" Yes "Do you often meet women on tinder"? Yeah I've been murdering it on there *lawyer puts head in hands*
Dear Redditors, I do not mean to sound slutty, but you can use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Grammar
"I'm gonna cramp your style." - Menstruation
What does a confused student at Hogwarts study? Which craft?
Give a man a cow, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to cow, and you've probably invented some crazy new dance called the cow'.
What kind of bagel did the camper eat? A winnebago.
How long did Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion have to wait for the Tin Man? Ten minutes.
I love when I'm walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It's like she knew I wanted to race all along.
Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game ? It was a cup draw !
How can you tell if a Mexican is feeling sad? They're wearing a SOMBERERO
JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine] ME: woa!! thanks jesus JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for a week. Teach a man to jacket, and he'll stay inside for months.
What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless
I left work yesterday at 4:59 instead of 5:00 I was technically leaving early, but the difference was minute.
I saw a guy struggling with the frozen vending machine trying to get some ice cream. Really paralleled my attempts to reach my ex-girlfriend's heart.
A Haiku A problem that I Have with haikus is that I Always run out of
Where do burgers go when they die? Burgatory
What's the difference between a pedophile and a pro golfer? A pedophile always finishes in under 18 holes.
"I'm sorry I could never do that for you," said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.
What do you call glasses that make you look wise? Respectacles
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC...
What do politicians and diapers have in common? They both should be changed regularly, for the same reason! *ba dum tssh*
The Devil's Business What did the Devil say to the being that sold its soul to him? -"Nice doing business with you!"
This o is out of cntext.
TBS is going to air CS:GO next year. What should TNT host? League of Legends. Because they know drama.
What does weed and the Quran have in common? If you burn it you get stoned
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I never like my hair right after I get it cut, But after a week it grows on me.
Why do Angelina Jolie's shirts have such big pockets? For her lipstick :D (modified joke originally from Sickipedia)
How many Vietnam Vets will it take to change a ligh...nevermind, man! You wouldn't understand cuz you weren't there, man!
Why do people say "To be frank..." when they're about to be brutally honest? WHAT IF FRANK LIED!? WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?
I painted my iPhone black so it would run faster. Now I need to jailbreak it.
A new Zealand joke Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses? They saw what happened to the sheep
What does Michael Vick do in a plane? Have a dog fight.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle] We're gonna win this for sure! "Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?" WE'RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
You should marry the first person who can understand what you're saying while you brush your teeth.
How do you make Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it.
My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge & I'm considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it
If I drew a cartoon depicting Mohamed and Harambe dating It would be Haram-Bae
Like most men, I have two personalities... the guy before the orgasm and the one after.
Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y? Because why emcee, eh?
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Thank you student loans for helping me get through college and for all that you've done for me! I don't know how I'll ever repay you.
I was going to make a Gay joke Butt fuck it.
Luis Suarez is to appear in the next Star Wars film. He'll play Chewbacca's brother, Chewshoulder.
Obama calls Putin and asks abut his Thanksgiving. Putin: Turkey is about to be cooked.
It's important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you're all set to go
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses? Because they're a diamond dozen
The GOP debate
Why do Autonomous cars have steering wheels? You have to hold on to something, when the shit hits the fan. ;-&gt;
*catwoman struggles into suit* *catwoman realises she needs to pee* *crie*
What is Swiper the Fox's favorite app? Tinder
Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.
I bet if Wolf Blitzer interviewed "The Situation" in The Situation Room my TV would explode into a million pieces.
If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit. I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.
Another tale from the bar. A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a monkey, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
Where do you get frogs eggs ? At the spawn shop !
On the Beauty of Nordic Women... Question: Why are Nordic women so beautiful? Answer: Well, the Vikings didn't kidnap the ugly ones...
I asked my friend to try and jump start my car. Fat bastard smashed my windshield.
Can't you just feel the excitement in the air?!!? Only one more day left until the start of the 2020 Presidential Election Season!!
What's worse than a dead lawyer? A living one.
Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don't want a response
I've found that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... Until you try to flatter someone in a wheelchair.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
How do you tell if someone online is American? They keep their caps locked and guns loaded. (Not the best and not original)
We've been misinterpreting the Islamic Extremists... Allahu Akbar *actually* means **"YOLO"**
What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin numeral.
If the Cholera Doesn't Get Ya... Your on the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You laugh and say "Terry is a girls name!" He shoots you. You have died of dissin Terry.
Where did George Washington keep his Armies? In his sleevies.
When the food packaging says "serves 3 - 4 people The fat controller laughed "you are wrong"
I always high five black people Because I don't want to leave them hanging.
Did you hear about all the students who are using brake fluid to get high? The teachers aren't too worried about it. The students can stop anytime.
MUST WATCH heartwarming video! Limbless man rents himself as talking door stop for rich people to afford daughter's seizure medication.
How Many Cops Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? None, they will just beat the room for being black.
There's nothing worse than getting bullied in school... Especially if you are a fish.
Four years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl in the world out on a date. Thirty minutes ago, I asked her to marry me. Both times she said no.
After a few days without my phone, I've learned what's really important in life. My phone.
Why did Hitler fail math? He couldn't reach the final solution.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
It was a good decision to remove all the mirrors from my car I haven't looked back since.
You know who could really get a party started? Lenin.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
That awkward moment... ...when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring...and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know
When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws.
Harambe jokes... Can we kill them too?
Help! I'm 13 and want to get preggo .....but my boyfriend wants Ragu.
Why was the blind guy always so happy? He couldn't see any reason not to be!
Guy shoves plastic farm animals up his butt Doc says his condition is stable.
What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point
When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it's time to lay off the hard stuff.
*throws up gang signs* "Ew gross, I don't remember eating that."
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year!
What's the leading cause of death among wizards? Staff infection
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? I heard it's very time consuming.
Snoop Dogg tweeted that he was in one of the shark costumes during the halftime show. "That wasn't Snoop Dogg, it was just Snoop Lion."
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Capt of Titanic: "Mayday! We are sinking" Coastguard: "What happened?" *Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle* Capt: "Iceberg"
Who's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy.
A vegan girl told me that, "If you eat beef, you're basically a velociraptor." In what world is that not totally awesome.
What's big, green, fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
What do you call a Reddit Psychic? A 4chan teller
ithink that show 'Americas got Talent' should be renamed to 'Americas got Some Talent, & Alot of Crazy Motherfuckers!'
What do you call a group of security guards in front of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Old Chinese Proverb Says "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok"
Why did the marble countertop leave the kitchen? It was tired of being taken for granite.
Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit afire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have yourkayak and heat it too.
if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married ... Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.
"You don't have to press the buttons harder to go faster" Said no gamer ever.
Starting to believe that your family tree must've been cactus.
I'm so broke.. .. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account. I was like, "Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"
iPhone chargers are like arguments with a woman some days you have 1, some days you have 5
I Got Ebola :D Ebola icecream!
The Hyundai Elantra is Sonata Sonata So not a Sonata
Water Knock Knock Who's there? Water Water Who? Water Those!!!!! (What are those joke)
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady? And we will never know because he can't stand up.
I started a club for guys who tell jokes about erectile dysfunction. It's a huge success because there's a shit ton of you out there.
Why doesn't anyone tell jokes about Jonestown? The punchline is too long.
I'm starving. I haven't eaten all year.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
When the cat's away.....? The house smells better !
Stuffs more popcorn in my face* Why don't bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died? Because he was the rightful heir
Why was Thor unable to get any sleep? He Was Up All Night to Get Loki
The director of EA walks into a bar *Download the punchline for only 4.99* Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind Redditor!
Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work? Because he got Snowden
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
There's a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow - and lost.
Have you heard of the turkish version of sudoku? It's called a pseudo-coup.
I want to remind everyone today that 9/11 jokes aren't funny... ...only 2/11 are.
Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl's best friend.
Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath? Goldfish defendant: Yes.
Egg puns pls Thought this was an eggcellent idea...
What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? 1forrest1
How to always be positive in life: | life |
Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please" Waitress: *slaps his face* "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Best love poem Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm bad at poetry, date me
son i wanted to let u know u were adopted my dad said are u kidding rlly i shouted yup get ready he said they'll be picking you up in about a hour
All I'm saying is that if M&M's poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I'd probably lose my moral compass very quickly.
There's a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You'd better f*cking be there.
What are Mario's overalls made of? denim denim denim (pronounced with the Mario underground theme)
The virgin I like my men like I like my sci-fi movies... to boldly go where no man has gone before!
Why did the walrus go to the container store? To find a tight seal. 
A cheese factory in France exploded. All that was left was debris.
Turning 30 is like fucking your sister Your dad wishes he could do it again.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Did you hear about the sensitive thief? He took a fence.
I got a taxi home tonight.... Driver said "that'll be 7". I said "could you reverse back a bit I've only got a fiver"!
If Samuel L. Jackson was a Knight He'd be Ye Olde Motherfucker
I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be "Are you going to eat that?"
Why weren't you at the Halloween party? My costume was a black father so I couldn't be there.
Irish chili How many beans do you put in Irish chili? Two hundred and thirty-nine. Why? Because one more would be two-farty.
I'm really good at managing my credit card... ...My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
[Request] Jokes about the Eurozone crisis, Greek debt etc Anyone got any good ones?
What did the Nazi do after World War II? He became a veteran Aryan.
*rubs temples* security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
While playing the depressing part of a videogame, my close pal Xavier suddenly starts massaging my crotch I've never been so touched on an emotional level.
A guy walks into a bar holding a pair of jumper cables He says, "Hey bartender, can I get a drink over here?" The bartender says, "Alright, but don't go trying to start anything in here"
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you've used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If you were a dog, you would be a hot dog.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I legitimately often expect WebMD to return the result of "turns out you are a loser."
Want to hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit!
Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany? Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...
What is a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in "unt" Aunt.
The comments are funnier than the jokes... ...
What do you call a black hipster? blipster
Erectile Dysfunction is hard to live with
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso
THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea
According to my neighbor's diary, I have "boundary issues".
When you are hit in the... - ball boy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMMFHcRSjR8
If you're over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee - I will kick you in your pwivates.
I maintain a lifelong grudge against anyone at a restaurant who orders after me yet gets their food before me.
Friday!!! I'm so glad you are back. I'm sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you  the whole time.
Dad: I'm so hungry. Me: Hi, so hungry I'm son! *Dad turns head very slowly* [camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My vaccume cleaner sucks because it doesn't suck... Unlike my other vaccume cleaner, which doesn't suck because it sucks. (co-writing credit to smarties pants u/lord_of_the_realm)
What do you call a black guy on a bike? Crime
If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Q: What did the tailor say when he pricked his finger? A: Darn!
You go for a run then post your route to Facebook. I dig a hole on that route then cover it with sticks and leaves. We both get exercise.
I got caught masturbating recently, to a National Geographic magazine. I don't know who was more embarrassed  me or my dentist.
Where does Doctor Who go to get his salami?...The Dalek-atessan of course.:D
I decided to have that fifth cup of coffee, and now the ghosts of my ancestors are scrolling through my iTunes trying to pick a summer jam.
Ladies, love yourself first or nobody will @MaleHonesty86
I took my girlfriend home to meet the family My wife went fucking ballistic
What do you call a person who speaks three languages Trilingual What do you call a person who speaks 2 languages Bilingual What do you call a person who speaks 1 language American
Q: What do you get when you put an  experimental monkey in a blender? A: Rhesus Pieces.
Thank you for saying, "I'm just being honest" after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.
In case of emergency, exits can be located at the log out, delete, deactivate, hide and block features. Thank you for flying with Facebook
"What's up?" asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I bought myself a new hairdryer but it's faulty. It sucks.
Have you heard the one about the grain farmer? It was corny.
Why was the man accused of sexual harassment never arrested? He was a policeman
what room zombies and vampires can't enter? the living room.
What did the stockroom giraffe say to the apprentice meerkat? You're two short!
How come the NSA whistleblower can't leave Russia? Because he is snowed in.
[NSFW] I am no gynecologist.... But I know a cunt when I see one
If you're going through Hell, keep going.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Why do people procrastinate? I'll tell you later.
What is the most simplistic way to get downvoted? &gt; simplistic 10 letters
What happens when you put Root Beer in a Square Glass? It just becomes beer
What do you call a man who repeatedly stabs his raisin bran on a daily basis? A cereal killer
The Night's Watch can ramp up the number of new recruits by... ...ditching its archaic name in favour of something hip like Snow Patrol.
What's the definition of Polystyrene? A plastic parrot!
At Indian Restaurant "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "No, thank you, I'm full now."
What is the most common comment on Reddit? OPs mother.
Its hard to say "I love you". It even harder to say "I am sorry". But try saying "armudlajbarfajkajthagartughir".
[In honor of Leonard Nimoy] How many ears does Spock have? Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.
What did the indian boy say to his mom before he left? Mumbai
"Cheese cannon!" "Terminator eyes!" "Solar powered cat translator!" I'm the reason genies limit you to 3 wishes.
I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
God Plays Golf
What kind of melons always have big weddings? Cantaloupe.
Two guys are peeing off the side of a high bridge. First guys says: "Water sure is cold." Second guys says: "And deep"
Why did the policeman wake up his son? He saw a *kid napping*.
Baby's first cigarette!
What is the difference between a refrigerator and little children? Refrigerators don't scream and cry when I put my meat in it.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.
Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game? Cuz you know something's about to go down. Im sorry
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Americans can't milk a cow for 15 years.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Why did Scotty check all the toilets of the Starship Enterprise? He was looking for the Captain's log.
Tutorial: How to make sure your Reddit post blows up Ill tell you if this reaches 50 upvotes edit: ~~added joke~~ update
Why do Germans make such good cars? To try and make up for the Holocaust.
You wanna read a joke? My internet points
What do you call a Female Clown? A Clunt.
I guess you can say Eagles of Death Metal's fanbase is really blowing up..
Why shouldn't you make jokes about dwarves giving fellatio? It's a bit of a low blow...
ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem. HOUSTON: Oh, we're fine down here, thanks for asking. Let's make this all about you though, as usual.
They should make a Conservative Insurance to counter Progressive, they'll never fix anything and tell you to let Jesus take the wheel.
I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.
What happens when an egg laughs? He cracks up
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was suicidal and wanted to get hit by a car.
Getting a caricature drawing of yourself is basically the only time you pay money for someone to brutally own you.
My dad is like the Michael Jordan of dads. He has a serious gambling problem.
What would the Reddit political party be called? The know-kn0thing party.
I accidentally ate too much alphabet soup yesterday and had a huge vowel movement.
Just found out I've been using my Britta pitcher wrong for the last 2 months #nofilter
Mantra at the gym: When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
What do you get when you mix free running with golf? Parfour Sorry
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein's IQ but I couldn't get it under 140.
How do you know if a joke has been posted on reddit before? Oh, they'll tell you.
Why could the crab not find a pair of shoes in his size? Child labor laws forced all the shoe factories to shut down.
I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[anniversary dinner] HER: tell me something that will make my heart race ME: my credit card got declined
Did you hear the one about the guy who got his left side cut off? He's all right now.
My neighbor's 13-month old only has four teeth. She's way too young to being doing that much meth.
What do you call a Spanish woman with a loose vagina? Consuelo!
What do you call a black guy wearing an ankle bracelet? A stay at home dad
My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I. M. Nutty
[at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I thought "asbestos" was Spanish for "best ass."
To whom do fish go to borrow money ? The loan shark !
"Daddy what is a transvestite?" "Ask Mommy, he knows."
I think my virginity has grown back.
What's green lives three feet under ground and eats rocks a green rock eater
Never fall in love with a heroine junky. They got a lot of love, but it's all in vein.
I'm going to hell. Q: whats the hardest part about cooking a vegetable A: getting the wheelchair into the oven edit: formating
What are the two oldest animals on Earth? The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you.
Did you know? That atheism is a non-prophet organization.
(1st day in heaven) Me: Whoa- is that Elvis? Angel- no, it's an impersonator M: Wow, is that... A: listen man all we got is impersonators
What's a butt's favorite exercise? High Knees
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different  deck chair on the Titantic.
What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur? A Lickalotopuss!
Divorces are like gangbangs... Everyone is trying to fuck you and nobody cares if you're in pain.
Who has two thumbs and wears a mask? Disguise!
You know how birds fly in a v formation? Do you know why one side is longer than the other? It is because that side has more birds.
How is a vagina like a grapefruit? The best ones squirt when you eat them!
A guy was running around trying to determine the source of physicians' flatulence He was only following doctors odors.
Did you hear about the depressed man going on a cross country road trip? He's weeping the nation.
dont google horses wearing jeans unless you have a good 12hrs to spare
Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today. Wife - OK? M - One of them is lying. W - You can't ever shut it off can you?
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
what do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog
You gotta randomly lift your girl in the air, just to let her know you could throw her off a balcony if her phone ever went off after 11 PM.
Funny prank: stay over at a friend's house and die on their couch.
Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans... This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
As an ornothologist and a pimp I structure payment based on the old saying: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
what's white and smells like brown poop? white poop ahhahahhahahaahahahahahahha edit: realized you don't get karma here :C
Phones these days are so expensive... If you fall and hear a crack, you hope you broke your leg.
"I'm sorry, it's just who I am." = "I am a giant asshole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."
What did one curious butt cheek say to the other? I mustass you a question.
Why did C++ look down at C? It thought C lacked class. i'll see myself out
Why did the lion lose at poker? He was playing with a cheetah.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, "THIS IS A ROBBERY!" Otherwise they might think it's a baptism.
Which is the month in which women talk the least? February... because it has the least number of days
What did the necrophiliacs girlfriend say before going bowling?
the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside
When I'm on reddit When I'm drunk on reddit: "Perhaps an up vote for this fine sir, he provided intriguing content." When I'm sober on reddit: "YOU SHALL ALL BE DOWN VOTED! NO ONE SHALL BE UP VOTED!"
We've all heard of Whistler's Mother.... But what about Whistler's Father? I guess you could say that he's out of the picture.
During an inspection of the federal penitentiary, I saw a bald inmate beat up a warden. I guess the warden was hit by a Smooth Criminal.
People don't really care who you are until you lick their face
The only thing worse than Friday the 13th, is Monday the 13th
A wise man once said... "If you make a woman laugh, you've half-undressed her." However, if you half-undress and she laughs, that's a different thing altogether.
Why don't orphans play professional Baseball? They don't know where home is.
So this guy with premature ejaculation... ...just comes out of no where!
How do you circumcise a Hill-Billy? You kick his sister in the jaw.
I bought my girlfriend a new LOTR themed sex toy... ... It's called Dildo Shaggins
What do the LAPD and computers have in common? They can both burn C.D's
I love u it's my favourite vowel
I received this computer for Christmas yesterday. I'm already ashamed of the things it has seen.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other] Bad news, pal. You're a skeleton.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn't mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I don't own a turntable, for the record.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method's
what do u call a mexican who lost hes car carlos LOL
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I've been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I'm still fat.
You know why cannibals don't eat divorced women? They're bitter.  Garrison Keillor
I wish black people took jokes... ...as well as they took bullets.
Parents: "Why don't you come socialize with the family?" Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick into your girlfriend's ass
I was fired from Ford today I kept losing focus
What do you call an abortion in Prague? A cancelled Czech
Porn is the Kevin Bacon of the internet. No matter what site you go to, it's no more than 6 clicks away.
A blind man walks into a bar... and a stool and a table.
"Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn't have stolen all your jewelry."
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Life is like a box of chocolates.... it doesn't last as long for fat people.
Will is weary of fame Will runs away to the woods Will dons a loincloth Will eats bugs & berries Will befriends a bear Will Ferrell
How do you know ancient Egyptians were black? Because they never dig up daddies.
What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work? I missed you
How much credibility is there in that whole "you can punch yourself handsome" theory? Asking for a friend.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two  mothers-in-law.
Who supports Romney Bernie Madoff
Why do midget's laugh when running? Because the grass tickles there balls
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
What do you call a family of 8 rabbits? One rabbyte
What's the singular form of 'werewolves'? I am a wolf
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
"Dad, why is my picture on that milk carton?" "Well, son, I guess it's time that I tell you the truth. You were adopted... from a dairy."
Never forget 9 November 9/11 was truly a horrible day for the USA.
Hey wanna hear a fat joke? [deleted]
Where is the best place to hide after murdering a black man? Behind a badge.
There's a faggot in the trunk of my car. There were too many sticks in my front yard, so I'm dumping them in the woods.
Did you hear about the blond who got pregnant? She wasn't sure if the baby was hers!
Did you hear about the man with five dicks? His pants fit like a glove. I'm so sorry. So sorry.
I have a time machine for sale. If interested, call me two weeks ago.
My friend offered me a nice stable job. I declined because I don't like horses
What tea do footballers drink ? Penaltea !
A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. "We just yelled his name," said the head explorer. "Can't believe no one thought of that."
Too bad Ray Rice didn't kill his wife, The Ravens would've just put a statue of him in front of the stadium.
Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.
Today, I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that...
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
*speaking to sandwich* honey, I have good news. you're going to have a baby brother! *starts making another sandwich*
What did the cannibals do with the midget? Put another shrimp on the barbie.
How many geese does it take to form a gaggle... 5 or more
I like my women like I like my Christmas Ham... ...bone in.
The only person I want to see do a Harlem Shake video is Michael J. Fox.
Just saw a billboard that said, "Texting & Driving Is Dangerous!" Hahaha... that's so lamOMG I JUST HIT A CIRCUS ELEPHANT!!!
My three sons are gonna hate me... once I name them Prescott, Scott, and Postscott
Nowadays, French fries are made from potatoes. What did they used to be made from before the 1960s? Potatoes
What do you call a gay travelling salesman? Flim-flamboyant.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle. Did I just say that out loud?
What do you get when if you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly god: lol ok
Good news, The doctor says I'm health as a horse. Bad news, she keeps using large farm animals to describe me.
Guys, they lied to us. Peach was never in any real danger and Mario and Bowser are buddies. I saw all of them hanging out and go-karting.
What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Walking.
Did you know statistically you're more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I walked into my glass door today Oh the pane...
What is the common point between spinach, and Sodomey? Even with butter, children still do not like it.
What kind of tree would have the best bark? Dogwood. Don't you dare judge me, it was on my popsicle stick. :P
A guy said to his friends "you are all nuts" They replied "we know, we are healthy"
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
What do you call it when you run out of seed? Endosperm.
Willie Nelson's braids sold at auction for $37,000. The winning bidder can't wait to smoke them.
How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced? a buck an ear
Two Terrorists walk into a bar Bartender says "What can I ge"
I don't believe in horoscopes I'm leo, we're skeptical.
What do you call two nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call two nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call two nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth.
My son likes to kick things. He really needs a dog or a wife.
I like when I see a 30mph speed limit sign spraypainted to say 80. Whoever does that has found a way to completely beat the system
People keep comparing Trump to Hitler, but that is just not true. I mean, Hitler could paint.
Did you hear about the sign language translator at Nelson Mandela's funeral? Neither did his audience.
If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've said... I would be able to buy a Nigger
How do you comeback 'I know you are but what am I?" A hypocrite
"Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look." - my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
Do you know how to really disappoint a fellow redditor? [Repost] [Deleted] *repost*
The German radiologist always saw the wurst in people.
Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.
how to you put a big buffalo in a freezer???? ZZZZzzzzz dont think it cannot happen just say NO
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two. Real question is, how'd they get in there.?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long] Yo whatcha doin bro? [looks him dead in the eye] practicing for you
A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.
Where is the best place to screw a Mt. Goat? The edge of a cliff, you are guaranteed she will push back!
Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you...
Arnold Swarzeneggar pushup contest. Arnold Swarzeneggar challenged former President George W. Bush to a pushup contest, and the President accepted. Swarzeneggar did 910, But Bush did 911.
[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!
How do subscribers of r/jokes like their ribs? Tickled.
Nuts What do you call nuts on the wall? Wallnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chest nuts. Finally, what do you call nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth.
Where can i learn the skyrim dovah language and daedric too? In the complete opposite direction of a vagina.
Hug? Said the bunny to the oncoming lawnmower
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.
The toilet felt abandoned... ... but pubic cares :) sorry... I just had to.
What do you call an elite team of crime solving tree surgeons? Special branch.
If there weren't any democrats... then who would be left?
If John Cena lost in Baltimore at Payback, the city might riot. WWE wouldn't want that. Never give up
It's okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I'm "crazy."
Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.
remember swine flu??? retweet if you're a true 2009 kid
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? 100; 1 to do it, and 99 to say "I could do that."
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room Obama: Joe be professional Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER- #BidenMemes
The REAL reason Bin Laden was buried at sea: Maggots have standards.
Why was the moth so unpopular ? He kept picking holes in everything !
I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig....It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
Waiter can you get rid of this fly in my  starter ! I can't do that sir he's not had his main course yet !
I have a knock-knock joke, but you have to start it.
Favourite pickup line... Did you know there will be 7 planets tomorrow? Because I am going to destroy Uranus tonight.
What are the three steps to put an elephant into the fridge..? 1.Open the fridge 2.Put the elephant in 3.Close the fridge
What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist? A Pokemon
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the cake #funniestjokeevernotreallyyesreally
Why was the little shoe unhappy? Because his father was a loafer and his mother was a sneaker.
How does every black guy joke start? By looking over your shoulder!
They could of at least added a middle finger emoji on iOS7.
Horses are vegans, too, yet you don't hear them yapping on and on about it do you?
Our kitchen is starting to look like a middle school science fair
Why don't they tell jokes in base 8? Because seven ten eleven!
When I start to panic about the Trump presidency I remember that we are on a rock floating around a fireball and I panic about that instead.
Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending 
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you'll be dead soon.
I wonder what the people in the plane on 9/11 were going through... A BUILDING!!!
You know it's good sex when the neighbors call the police and a priest.
What does a robot do after sex? Nuts and bolts.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Just got home to find the doors ripped off and everything gone. What kind of bastard could do that to my chocolate advent calendar?
Does WebMD ever just say "you're fine, there's nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?"
I don't post for the karma.
What's a ghost's favorite search engine? Ghoulgle
Pun Contest There was a man who entered a local papers pun competition.. He sent in ten different puns in hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What did the sign on the whore house door say? Beat it, we're closed.
My friend told me he was flying on a plane for the first time. I told him to have a blast.
Why didn't Oscar Pistorius get a new bathroom door? Because his wife was dead-set against it...
Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.
Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places.
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's dick...
Why are pedophiles so annoying? they're just fucking immature assholes
There's a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
How does a muslim man close a door? Islams it!
I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon - perfect.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was: Are U serious?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the "Pedalphiles" was not well-received AT ALL.
This afternoon I just relaxed on the couch and masturbated. The psychiatrist took a lot of notes.
Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
How do you circumsize a redneck? kick his sister in the jaw
What do men and tile floors have in common? ...if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a  pail of water? Jockey and Jill!
What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? A cross.
[on a date] I've got butterflies in my stomach "that's so cute. You dont have to be nervous" [flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If meat is murder... ...then is cake battery?
What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.
I have a "One dollar, one inch" rule with the ladies: you give me a dollar, you get an inch. You give me three dollars, you get it all.
What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
Now, if we could only get some white smoke to come out of the White House's chimney.
Why did the computer act crazy? It had a screw loose.
How do you get even with Hellen Keller? (Comment your favorite Hellen Keller jokes) How do you get even with Hellen Keller? Leave the plunger in the toilet
Your life is like a box of chocolates It will kill your dog.
Two jews walk into a bank The bartender says "Shit, I'm in the wrong joke"
Be a part of history! Die in a catastrophic natural disaster.
Letter from 7 to 6 Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together. Sincerely, 7
A wife went with her husband to his doctors appointment... Doctor: I'm gonna need a urine and stool sample. Wife (to husband): Just give him your underwear honey!!!
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he/she has to want to change.
A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.
An acquaintance of mine said that when she feels down she puts on a skirt that's too short, and it helps. Coincidentally, her wearing a skirt that's too short also helps me when I'm down.
When a husband asks you if you think it's possible to love someone forever... "If I find the right person" is apparently the wrong answer.
I could not have sex with a man..... because I could never fuck something I respect. (Jim Jefferies)
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bark ! Bark who ? Bark you car on the drive !
Whenever I'm not feeling well, I just imagine Tyrannosaurus Rex masturbating.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Flight Attendant: "Would you like some headphones?" Me: "How did you know my name is Phones?"
I'm at my most Alzheimer's when Billy is that you?
Four Catholic Men... (Catholic Joke) [http://agentfunny.com/four-catholic-men-joke/](http://agentfunny.com/four-catholic-men-joke/)
According to all these BMI charts... I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
What's the difference between a tribe of wild hunting pygmies and a Women's roller derby team? The Pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha 's No one notices, I dont know why I bother. hahahabananahahaha
Why do black people like fried chicken? Because it tastes good.
I cracked two jokes earlier about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed and burned.
i was baptized in a car wash
Need the best Hillary I need the best Hillary Clinton joke there is. The worst the better. I need to tell my history teacher. Shes a Hillary supporter. Dirtier the better
Did you hear the joke about the deaf man? No? He didn't either.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
The hard life of a dick... ...his hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
I just found out that people can still read words when they're in parentheses and holy shit do I have a bunch of apologies to write.
If I had a quarter for every woman I made love to Id have 45 cents.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
You - "Have you seen the clown that hides from gay people?" Friend - "No?" You - "Didn't think so"
A random stranger laughed at how I was lactose intolerant How dairy
When I lost my rifle the army charged me $85.That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Sometimes shit happens
I'd eat more chicken if it was branded as "Tuna of the Land."
Why is Halloween a crackheads' favourite holiday? Only two more sleeps til' Christmas!
Jokes are like topsoil I make my own, but it's mostly recycled shit.
Why didn't Hitler drink whiskey? It made him mean.
I am sure I chose the right song for Richard's funeral Lonely Island - Dick in a Box
A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair, and a table.
Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?
Everyone always pets my pregnant wife's stomach and says 'congratulations' but no one ever rubs my balls and says 'good job'.
If I could be any X-Men I think I'd pick Professor X. Don't really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.
Can we just make serving unsalted french fries a federal offense?
Love is like a fart If you have to force it, it's most likely shit.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
90s kids won't get this . . Social Security benefits. .
My wife named my penis Donald Trump It has a weird haircut and is not qualified to run this country.
I told my doctor that i broke my arm in two places He told me to stop going to those places
Why does Mexjco do poorly in the olympics? Because all the Mexicans who can run fast, swim fast and jump high are in the states.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
STEAK AND SEX A: What does a good steak have in common with good sex? B: They're both very rare.
(Court) Judge: You're on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead? Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I went to a seafood disco i pulled a muscle
Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Cannibal A cannibal and his son went hunting ,they hunted Britney Spears . The son said: papa, let us take her home and eat her? Father said : No, son, we take her home and eat your mother.
A magician walks into a gay bar and disappears with a poof.
What was Hitler's favorite way to tie his boots? In Nazi's!
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door... It said, "this is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?
It all. The title says it all.
How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh? It weighs *Won-ton*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A Private Tutor.
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply ? Paul gas coin !
"Ummm can you not?" - white girl getting tortured
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, "Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart." She tagged my sister.
people think theyre so smart for shopping around for good deals, but you know whats more fun than researching prices? having expensive stuff
How do you know if someone doesn't like Football and isn't going to watch the Super Bowl? They'll tell you
"Excuse me sir, but there's a Bohemian knight here to collect his fee." "Tell him the check is in the mail."
Never commit a crime while working out Lest you get ill gotten gainz.
I was walking down the road.. I was walking down the road and saw a beautiful woman, A spark flew off between us. We had passionate, amazing sex. Amazing what tasers can do these days.
A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar. - Comedy removed due to copyright claim
Scientist  My findings are pointless when taken out of context. Media  Scientist claims "findings are pointless"
What did George Takei say to the attractive Frenchman on waterskis? Eau myyyyyyyy....
Nice try Jehovah's witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn't going to get me to come to the door.
I dated Stephen Hawking but had to break it off. He just wasn't a very stand-up guy.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving...
I've been offered a new, highly demanding job testing the new Super-strength Viagra'. I think I'll take it, how hard can it be?
Why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject? It's just average.
What's a mohel's favorite drink? Bloody D
BARENKATAPULT!
What's the difference between Det. Rust Cohle and a psychopath? Psychopaths are fun at parties.
Finish this Joke: "so this drunk chief walks into a village...."
People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?
I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.
What do you call a white supremacist who doesn't eat meat? A vegitaryan
A boy comes home from school and gives his mother his report card. "Why is this wet?" she asks. "Because it's below C level."
why is it so hard just to get your kids to say "bitch please" and "bitch thank you"
If a person dies after suffering an average number of strokes for their age did they make par?
Filing taxes is so depressing. Do you own a home? No. Have a spouse? Not even close. Kids? Not that I know of. Enjoy your refund, loser
It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about YouTube buffering.
There is a place with a 98% recycling rate! r/Jokes
You don't need to write "imo". Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.
What do you call the beautiful women in Australia... Tourists.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups...thanks Microsoft!
Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw  in a light bulb? A: None the sockets go with the house.
So an Alzheimer's patient was telling a joke... Clarence, is that you?
What's the speed limit of sex? 68... any faster and you'll eat it.
I bet earth makes fun of the other planets for having no life
If your name is Paul... (If you beat somebody in any way). Are you a flower? CAUSE YOU JUST GOT PAULINATED!
I hear Adrian Peterson is getting into baseball... Apparently he's a great switch hitter.
If corporations are people then that's really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Boss: Got good news & bad news. Me: Ya? Him: I'm leaving for another job. Me: Ok..Whats the bad news? Him: .. Me: You planning to come back?
Can you identify yourself Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
Where will the Womens World Cup final be held? Kitchen Stadium
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I get ignored so much that people call me terms and conditions
What do you call the outer edge of a piece of bread that has been toasted? Crusty
A Sexist Joke: Why are women bad at parking? Because they've been lied to all their lives about how long "8" inches *really* is.
What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
afraid Alone in my room and and thinking someone is also there lol.
*I gently close front door Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That's because of you!
Why did Hitler need glasses? Because he could Nazi
*Scrawls "HELP ME, MY PARENTS ARE VEGANS!" on gas station restroom mirror*
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesarus (Credit goes to whoever submitted that to the Coffee News)
Why is there the occasional black Jew? Because Hilter kept them in the oven for too long.
Mom said I should only date "a good man" and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? For one you get tweetment and the other you get oinkment...
Throwing acid is wrong... ...in some people's eyes.
Why did people use insulation containing deadly toxins? It was asbestos they could do at the time!
Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.
Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado? Because the steaks are too high.
The one thing you can get your dog to do that your wife won't Come
Have you heard about the new German Microwave? I heard it can seat 10
Did you listen to that song by the Muslim artist? It was like, the bomb!
Me: *ziplines into wedding* "Sup nerds?" *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down* Priest: "Ooh a pinata!"
*Makes bacon *Eats one piece *2 pieces *3 pieces *Eats all the bacon *Hides the evidence 9: Yummm! What's that smell? Me: Cereal
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
I started a figurine company that specializes in miniature Muhammad statues We make a small prophet.
What do a dead vibrator and a moving bus have in common? You can't get off.
What do diapers and politicians have in common? They both need to be changed after a while for the same reason
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.
Bill Cosby Is my inspiration he is always persistent and never takes No for an answer
*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
What's Al Gore's dancer name? Algorithm.
Some people are like slinkies Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs
Donald Trump is about to watch an episode of his current favorite TV show... Orange is the New Black
If you arrive fashionably late in crocs... you're just late.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
Why didn't the scarecrow win his award? Because he was outstanding in his field
How to not get scolded by your parents if you want GTA V? Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!
Just found out I'm colorblind it came out of the yellow.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
What did the ambitious suicidal person say? I'm going to kill myself, or die trying.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything
The only way that meal could have been more disappointing is if it were an M. Night Shyamalan film.
A stock market crash is worse than a divorce. You lose half your money and your wife is still around.
What do you call an asian golddigger? Cha Ching
If it ever becomes illegal to wear a veil to work .... beekeepers will be furious.
If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.
What did the computer technician say to the woman about her virus infected laptop? "Ma'am, we cleaned your dirty bits and suggest getting a bigger hard drive"
A man went to the doctors... He said "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains" The doctor had him sectioned and detained under the Mental Health Act
Pizza jokes are all about delivery.
What's the best way to dispose of bodies? Put the ashes in the donuts.
Instead of going to college, just read a pile of books and barely do your laundry. Same thing.
How many gay guys can you fit on a stool? 4 if you flip it upside down.
What's the difference between a baby shower and a bukkake? Nothing.
What did Orion receive when he won second place in the archery contest? The constellation prize.
What do you call a kid with two gay black dads? An orphan.
Apparently half of men have a problem with premature ejaculation The rest of us just don't think its a problem.
What's the difference between a terrorist camp and a school? No idea man, im just flying the drone.
What's the best way to get a Punjab in India? Hire a cunning linguist.
My math teacher from highschool thought she was so smart and intelligent yet when I graduated, she was still in highschool.
How did the baker put his opponent in checkmate? with an en croissant
My Thai girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship. I still wish she didn't have one though
Parents: Your room is a mess. Me: You really need to see my life.
I like my women how I like my coffee. Black, ground up and in the freezer.
A Jew and an American are sitting on a bus... The Holocaust denier farts. The Jew says, "That's gross!" The Holocaust denier says, "What, a little gas never killed anyone."
A son tells his father that the first driving lesson was great. Until the police stopped the stolen car!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay? Because if they did they would be Bagels
I've had so much to drink that you're beginning to look good.
Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was 'damn you 2016!' but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.
For my niece's 7th birthday, I'm filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I'm gonna yell "Oh God! She was pregnant!"
Do Not Be Racist ..... Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew
"So here are the plans for the Eiffel tower..." "Hmm. Yes, yes - this is Gustave!"
The Fortune Teller, came true! I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
She blinded me with science! (Specifically, a botched LASIK surgery.)
What do you call a limp snake? An ereptile dysfunction.
What's the opposite of wake up sex? Necrophilia.
Watch out for the bandit stealing and shredding newspapers. It's breaking news.
Anyone here know of Gaddafi? Probably not. He's pretty underground.
Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes Completely harmless till you light one on fire and place it in your mouth
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
How Many Feminist does it take to Screw SRSer ? None, Even Feminist have standarts
Here's a broom go sweep the floors... 'Here's a broom go sweep the floors.' 'But I have a PhD...' 'Oh, I'm sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done.'
Guys I guess October is... Octover
You know your girlfriend is fat when... When she fits into your wife's cloths.
Just saw myself naked in a full length mirror, and I had an epiphany. Either someone in my family tree had sex with the baboon or pissed off a gypsy.
What do you call an aardvark that plays poker? A cardvark!
Can antelopes get married? No, they cantaloupe.
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black. P.S.: Sorry if repost
*Answers door naked* Jehovah's Witnesses...  Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
A guy had 6.023*10^23 bruises in his body... Experts are saying he got molested.
After wandering for 10 years in the Desert, a man finally stumbles upon a remote brothel. This was his return to syphilisation.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock into your ass!
People keep asking what I thought of my Oklahoma trip It was OK
When a woman is in labor... When a woman is in labor and the pain is so unbearable, it is the closest she comes to understanding what it is like to be a man with the common cold. :}
I mainly want to lose weight to get into my own pants But also to get into someone elses
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn't have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Saying "bukkake" when people sneeze is the new "gezundheit", honest.
Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan? At the infideli counter.
It's funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over
I once knew a Johnny Glasscock in elementary school... You could always see him coming...
Don't listen to anything your ex boyfriend says. He is always wrong. Unless he says you're spectacular and give good head, then, he is right
1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water. 1916: I'm in a muddy trench, bleeding internally. 2016: IM OFFENDED!
Hey, Reddit! Guess what! Chicken butt.
What's your ringtone? That's nice, mine's a light shade of brown.
[First day of class at law school] *raises hand* Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
What is Donald Trump's least favorite Star Wars movie? Rogue Juan.
I've never vaccinated any of my kids... I just pay the pediatrician to do it.
Why does everyone love when a ghost goes to a party? Because he always brings the boos
To make it safer to use the mobile phone when I'm driving, I've deleted all my German male contacts. I now completely Hans free.
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind
I finally got my TV show commissioned by the BBC. Its where we film inside the cockpit of an airplane. Were filming the pilot next week.
[Mysoginistic joke] What's the definition of the perfect woman? Four feet tall, fold back teeth, flat head so you can rest your beer on it, and turns into a pizza at midnight.
Why did the phone keep walking into the wall? It lost its contacts.
What's a masochist's favorite type of pasta? Smacaroni
Perfect one night stand: Amish person. No internet access. No phones. In the heat of passion they'll whisper the secret to apple butter.
dad u make dolphin noises mom u make pinacolada noises grandma u put on this sailboat costume. I told this girl on skype im 16/surfer/hawaii
Girl at engineering school: I'm like the single-most clumsy person [5 male engineering students emerge from bushes] "Did you say single?"
Who comes in the fog? Seamen.
A grandpa tells his grandson "Your generation depends too much on technology." The grandson unplugs his grandpa's life support.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don't know them, and they don't know we're sharing.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were drowning and you could only save one, Would you go to lunch or read the paper?
I'll have an Italian BMT on Cheddar bread with everything but lettuce. A squirt of mayo and yellow mustard too please. Oops. Wrong sub.
A woman converting to Islam is like a black person converting to slavery.
I like vegans! I meant vagina's!
In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank department store advertisement for women's bras and panties reads "The perfect gift for that special woman in your life, or great to keep for yourself."
You have 2,000 friends on FB and your profile pic was taken in the mirror? You couldn't find one of your "friends" to take it?
What is a pirate's favorite letter? R, but his first love was the C.
So my doctor said I have 6 months so I shot him and the judge gave me 15 years
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year's Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I've been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Two Hispanic men are playing basketball. It's Juan on Juan.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow? A tail pail!
Girls on Facebook call it, "The Walk of Shame." Girls on Twitter call it, "The Strut of Satisfaction"
My wife asked me if I wanted to be cremated after my death Or immediately before.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Two deer are outside a gay bar And one says, "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks in there"
I tried write a joke about the Zika virus... [OC] ...but couldn't come up with anything off the top of my head.
Who robs banks and squirts ink?  Billy the Squid.
Traffic wardens are so nice in my area... they always leave notes on my car like 'Parking fine'. edit: this joke is fucking awful
What's the worst thing that could happen to an r/joke/ subscriber? faint
What Pokemon gave Nintendo cancer? Pokemon Uranium
A Mexican singer has removed some of her ribs so she can look more like Shakira. I'm going to remove my cock so I can look more like Justin Bieber.
Donald Trump is not a rapist. He's an "alternative romantic."
If you get pulled over for speeding on the highway, police are legally required to let you go if you tell them 'Black Betty' was playing.
What did the the Jamaican daddy spice say to his son when he was being bad? Your a cinnamon
How do you turn a fox into a cow? You marry her.
How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide? Dress them up as dead lions
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
wear a condom... i kid you not
The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week... Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing. They are both stuck-up cunts.
90s kids won't get this . . . Social Security benefits.
People must really love this Jesus fellow... I'm just Mexican.
A police dog had to sniff my bag but it was a puppy so I wasn't even worried cause it's probably not good at its job yet.
What floats on water and goes quick? A South African duck
How would you describe killing an eagle? ill-eagle
I think I could get behind Trump... 's wife.
[Halftime speech] Ok guys, we're down 56-0, but I see the problem. There's a typo in my game plan. It should say "tackle", not "tickle".
I love the new sound reddit makes when you upvote a post
I actually have a good Japanese joke. Anime'd it myself.
if i could rearrange the alphabet i'd put "u" at the beginning and "i" at the end. i want a divorce karen
My husband said I was unfeminine, so I socked him in the mouth.
Let's emotionally damage each other and call it Love.
What did Mitt Romney say to C3P0? Threepio, hand me those binders, willya?
What does the sun drink out of? Sunglasses.
i bet when Kid Rock invented rap, people were like "No! This is nonsense!" but he (in typical Kid fashion) was like "F*ck you're rules! "
What did the tree say to the math teacher? Gee I'm a tree!
What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhoea and an epileptic oyster shucker? The oyster shucker shucks between fits.
*sees a hot christian girl* Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs? Friend: That's a cross. Me: across from where?
What is your best weed/stoner related joke? I've never heard any good ones so please give me your best!
What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket? A peeping Tom snatches watch's
To all those out there named Christian but are atheist, LOL Sincerely, The rest of us
Kid's Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren't allowed to vote.
Q: What did the boots say to the cowboy? A: You ride -- I'll go on foot.
What's a fedora tippin neckbeard's favorite country? M'laysia
Sharks would look awesome with mustaches, but evolution said no. Cause evolution is a dick.
[wipes brow] "Finally finished YouTube."
You're so ugly that when you went to turn on your car stereo it overheated, fizzled, died out and started playing Who Let The Dogs Out
What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio's face? Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie...
what is brown and sticky? A stick
What was Jesus's favorite band? Nine Inch Nails.
There was a puppy named Joke... He died, and that was the end of the Joke...
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
If vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?
What did the Physics professor say when he forgot his lines of a speech? Give me a moment...ummmm.(momentum)
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roamin' catholic
What do the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? They both swallow a lot of seamen. Ahh stupid jokes. They never get old.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I'll give you $10 if you divide it by a half and give it back...
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you? [flashback to me ignoring the "one per customer" sign] me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Where do all them scrub gamers live? Pleblos
What's that over there? I don't know but I just got a raging clue
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection... Judge says, First offender?' She says, No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in a McChicken.
Lessons learned from Star Trek: Nemesis... Remember to always backup your Data!
Man, the frappes at the grinder place by the rotary are wicked good. Go Sox! Sorry about that. I had 2 Boston Kreme donuts this morning.
What was Hitler's favorite letter? I have no idea, but it was probably NOT Z.
This is my best knock-knock joke *"Knock Knock"* "Who's there" *"Whoo"* "Whoo-hoo" *"Happy to see me?"*
A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide the librarian says, sorry it looks like the last person never brought it back.
Why is Santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year
Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.
*you see a bear approaching you* Quick play dead! *bears comes running up* Oh god! OH GOD! What's happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?
What's long, hard, and makes my ass hurt? The forty mile bike ride I finished.
...a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck..., if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
It's so cold in Michigan right now. The politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate mail
I just put a bunch of lipstick up my butt. (NSFW) I've suddenly realized that makeup sex is highly overrated.
What's a chemist's favourite porn fetish? Propanal
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't need to, they glow in the dark...
I have some things I need to get off my chest. I've been letting things pile up on it, and I'm pretty sure I left my checkbook in that chest. Hay-ooooooooooo!!!
The bad news is I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Father: How do you like going to school? Son: The going bit is fine as is the coming home bit too but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird!
When I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar
I just put in new countertops in my kitchen... Granite, they're not marble, but still...
...her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April's fool.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!? *squishes out of the room*
What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet? Anything you like they're not listening to you anyway.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Winter must be the happiest woman on Earth Watching "Game of Thrones" made me realize that Winter must be the happiest woman on Earth. She is always coming...
What is a germans favorite passtime at a concert? They jump off the stage to go krautsurfing.
How does a pregnant black woman fight crime? Abortion
Did you hear about the strawberry jam and grape jelly hooking up? They got marmalaid.
Your Mom is so fat... That when she sat on a Iphone it turned into a Ipad.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A FAILURE? donald trump
What is Glenn's (The Walking Dead) favorite restaurant? ***SPOILERS*** Popeyes!
Why aren't people from the Westboro Baptist Church archaeologists? Because they are *homo*phobes.
I'm an A-Z expert on Olympics now thanks to Rio! From Athletics to zika!
Something my Grandfather (WWII Vet) used to say. Old proverb says, "Girl who fly plane upside-down, have crack-up."
The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH! I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero! Joke by Matt Donaher
Did you know: the average American spends 8,000 years of their life refilling Brita water pitchers.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Do you know who wants some good D? no, who? Football fans.
I'm voting for Trump... I've never seen a president assassinated.
If you can't concentrate, rub your nipples. It won't help, but concentration is overrated anyway. You know who likes concentration? Nazis.
Ladies - how do you know if you are having a good time? When you throw your knickers against the wall, and they stay there.
Misty is in the shower and Brock is at the door knocking. What does Brock say? Ash told me you were in here and I should take a pikachu. I'm sorry...
I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.
I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal. Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.
Did you hear about the neutron that robbed the bank? It wasn't charged.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
How was copper wire created? Two Jews found the same penny.
Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out "Is anyone there?" I've seen the movies...those people always die!
There is a place I like to go when I want to be totally alone... ...it's called Google Plus.
What do you call a crafty pig? CunningHam
Nike just announced it will now be using robots instead of children to make shoes Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children.
Some members of Alphaville wanted to undergo Freud based therapy. They talked it out and decided it would be better to stay forever Jung.
Want to know how to not get malware? To late, you already clicked the link.
Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.
Someone just told me that they hate bacon... I can't even find words... It's like someone just murdered a rainbow.
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied her.
"Hello! Thanks for calling the urology department." Please hold
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
You know why matter is fond of using the metric system? Because a lot of it is Pro-ton
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
What do you get if you cross a telephone  and a marriage bureau ? A wedding ring !
How to look at life positively |life|
What kind of trophy do I get every time I lift weights? Hypertrophy!
They offer an Islamic studies course at my university. *I hear it's a blast!*
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.
Why are all the ladies attracted to Voldemort? Because of his hex appeal.
I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to play on my drums. I also learnt that my neighbour has Tourette's.
Two muffins are in an oven The first one turns to the other and says: "It sure is getting hot in here". To which the second muffin replies: "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"
Did you blow Bubbles when you were a child? Because I saw Bubbles today and he wanted your number.
Two antennas get married... The ceremony was ok, But the reception was great!
What do you call a redditor in the restroom? A shitposter.
I'm sick of all these passive-aggressive posts. You know who you are.
My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."
Why do hot girls always travel in threes? Because they can't even.
*holding a glass of white wine with 2 hands like it's a mug of hot cocoa*
Am I a better husband or father? Well let's just say I never fantasize about being with other kids.
[steps off crosstrainer] "Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--" "Shall I call an ambulance?" "Please."
Why did the staff party go to jail? Because they were in treble.
Dad, quick, call me an ambulance! "Okay, ambulance." ^^^^^^sorry
Why is the area between the boobs and the ass called the 'waist?' Because you could easily fit two more boobs down there.
I guess you could say I like my life how I like my coffee I don't like coffee
What is Jeffery Dahmer's favorite candy? Mentos.
How many dothraki does it take to open a door? Idk, but they sure are hot.
"I just love making people laugh" - me, explaining why I do sex
What do you call a police woman who shaves? Cunt Stubble.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
I like my women like I like my vacuum cleaners Cordless and with powerful suction
Took my pet lion in an elevator along with shocked shoppers this morning. There was quite an uproar.
Two young hot girls in bed. k
Bae: come over Me: can we ever have normal conversations Bae: my parents aren't home Me: why can't you just ask how good my day was for once
you should be able to order mcnuggets in any quantity. just have a flat price for a single nug, like a quarter. i feel strongly about this.
The Panther's defense is so impenetrable... That Trump wants Mexico to pay their salary
Not to brag but my son's friend said "Your dad looks hot" when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with "Is that heat stroke?" but still.
What has 50 legs but can't walk? Half a centipede.
*makes typo* *deletes tweet* *deletes twitter* *deletes life*
Is your refrigerator running? Because I'd vote for it.
Chuck Norris Sperm is so tough, girls have to chew before they swallow.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens didn't exist yet.
What's brown and runny? Usian Bolt
My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."
Golf is like life... the main goal of both is to get the balls in the hole.
The hour I lose from daylight savings time will now be multiplied by 6 as I try to change the time on the clock in my car.
Talking too much is a sign of insecurity. So is keeping too quiet. So is breathing and having been born a human.
Bully: This town isn't big enough for the 2 of us! Me: Oh yeah? Bully: Yeah! Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
What did Neil Armstrong do after walking on the moon before Buzz Aldrin did? *Apollo*gize.
They say masturbation makes you blind.... I don't see any problem with it.
Types of people There are two types of people. People wh don't finish what they start and...
A man walks into a bar . . . He says "Ow".
She would have gotten away... ...if she had also changed her name to Rachel Dolizzle.
[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball] -Come on it was one time guys *Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I once saw Harry Potter fall down a hill Jk, he was Rowling
What does Santa call the elf police? The Po Po Po.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement? Me: *pauses* (with Cheeto stained lips) *kisses paper* CW: Me: That's my signature.
What do you call a Muslim man's fifth wife? Harambae
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I bet my girlfriend she couldnt tell me something that made me both happy and sad. So she told me that I had the biggest penis out of all my friends.
[crowded elevator] Alright I'm a little concerned about the capacity so let's all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*
I really like the Manhattan Project It's the bomb.
What does Pokemon Go and sex have in common? They're not for kids.
My mom asked me what I was doing for Easter ... I said, "Same as Jesus. Going out on Friday and coming back Sunday"
Have you guys heard about the drastic effects of erosion on the Great Pyramids? Yeah, they're kinda pointless now.
What is a black's favorite letter? The one with the welfare check in it.
how many American cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just shoot the room for being black
Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell bad.
I got my wife a plunger for her birthday... because she just LOVES bringing up old shit.
Hey, did you hear about that man who flew so close to the sun he touched it in exactly one spot? After that, he was a real tan gent.
I heard on the news Stoners took over a town This was a high coup
The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.
[Man in restaurant] I'll have that lobster please. *points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Went out to play Pokemon Go, found the meaning of life. It's Golbat.
Jesus hands his iPhone to da Vinci, "hey can you get one of me and my best buds? thanks man! HEY EVERYONE GET ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE"
If you had bad legs, why wouldn't you want to be a college professor? Because you never sitty down!
I'm always there for my friends when I need them.
If you're getting annoyed, you might throw up your hands out of frustration. If you're a cannibal, you might throw up someone else's hands out of your stomach.
I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes... As soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone
Do people who own guns walk around the house with them and pretend they're Black & Decker power drills?
My penis is like a door Welcome to all
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
Two fat Scottish sounding women in my bar tonight... "Hey, are you two from Scotland?" I asked. "It's WALES you fucking idiot," one yelled. I apologized, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
What has 7 arms and sucks? Def Leppard.
How do we call a skinhead with an Afro? The only black KKK member.
To err is human... To not know what err means is American.
What did the pig say to the drunk man? Licence and registration please.
Necrophilia wouldn't be such a big issue... If the victims were a little bit more outspoken.
In my town alot of people are mean... It's pretty average for them.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Who are we kidding, feminists can't change anything.
Women are like voltron... the more you hook up the better it is
Curiosity got sent to mars as punishment. As punishment for killing Schrodinger's cat.
So there was this surfer dude called Curl, but he died in a tsunami wave RIP Curl
My version of "naked and afraid" is when I'm in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.
I lost my job... I got fired from my job at the M&amp;M's factory yesterday for throwing away all the W's.
I stopped going to my colorblind therapist. He could never tell when I was blue.
I tried to teach my illiterate nymphomanic girlfriend the alphabet. But she only wanted the D. I'm testing this joke here before i try it on my critics of mates.
I don't see the fun in putting money on the railway track. The bill flew away, so I put a rock on top of it. Now I'm going to Guantanamo.
Dave is coming over. Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave? Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
My girlfriend goes on a bike trip every 28 days. She calls it her monthly cycle.
My 2-year-old ate the crust off her pizza but left the cheese and pepperoni untouched. Apparently I'm raising the Antichrist.
I told the barber, "a little off the top." So he gave me a circumcision.
Why are there no black cults? Everyone drinks the kool-ade on the first day.
I can't help but think that The Last Supper must have been a bit tense... ...with Jesus relating the bread to his broken skin and the wine to his own blood. I bet no one touched the meatballs.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they've followed me I just figure they sobered up.
What's the difference between a snowman on the toilet and O'Shea Jackson on the toilet? One is shitting ice cubes and the other is Ice Cube shitting.
I am going to lead a long life. That's the only way I will ever get caught up on all my homework.
Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I  promise no more complaints.
So... the girl I lost my virginity to was retarded. I wanted my first time to be special.
What's the hardest part of being a paedophile? The dick.
Knock Knock.... P2:Whos there? P1:A bonus P2:A bonus who? P1: A bonus something a dog likes to chew on
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a whorehouse for a hug.
Huehuehue SaturationSaturationSaturation
What is the difference between God and Donald Trump? Donald Trump can make God great again. However, God has no such power!
Sex is a big joke. I just don't get it.
Once you... Once you go black, you're a single mother.
A knock-knock joke that will blow your mind! Knock,Knock... Who is there? ... Old Lady Lahey... ... Old Lady Lahey Who? ... Holy shit, I didn't know you could yodel!
"Bill, I'm beginning to think my wife might be cheating on me..." "What makes you say that, Tim?" "Well, you're standing naked in my closet..."
What's long and hard, except for Asians? Math class. Credit to troller_awesomeness
What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS? How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.
How did Helen Keller lose her virginity? Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.
Why do drug dealers hate prostitutes? Because prostitutes can wash their crack and sell it again.
I know it's fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief. An Asian guy named Glenn? Please
What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction? One can... "Get Hard"
4 y/o: What's your job? Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food... 4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
What do you call an emotionless Asian woman? A rice queen!
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto.
*notices zipper is down* OMG! *zips it up* FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I'll do it myself
Did you know Elvis once worked at a dry cleaners? He specialized in treating denim. In particular, Elvis pressed Lees.
[Lie detector] "You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?" - Yes *needle going nuts* "I, sir, have been owned"
If it wasn't for Carpal Tunnel I wouldn't know when to stop masturbating.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says "everyone be cool! Act normal!"nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now
mom, pull over imma bout to throw up... West side california!! wit uppppp
You know why i love hiking? It is all about the in tents action.
Hey you! Did you lose your nose? I just found it in my business.
Q: Which game did the cat want to play with the  mouse? - A: Catch.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife died.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it's owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I'm having a party for men with erectile dysfunction If you can't come let me know.
"mainstream" = "white people found out"
Someone should invent bass gloves. So people stop dropping it.
The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...
A mother bear defending her cubs but it's me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
How do you make a Gorilla laugh? Tell it an elephant joke!
What's the difference between snow tires and slaves? Slaves sing when chains are put on them. PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness
I like my children how I like my essays. Unplanned and poorly executed
What rating do pirate movies always get? PG-13
How many dentists does it take to change a  light bulb? Three. One to administer the anaesthetic one to extract the light bulb and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cecil ! Cecil who ? Cecil have music whereever she goes.... !
Grandpa...why is there a suppository in your ear? Oh... THAT's where my hearing aid went!
How do you call a camel with 3 humps? With empathy, compassion, and honesty. Cancer is hard news, even for a camel.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you me: yeah he was not nice
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell "Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!"
I'm 70% water and 40% bad at math.
It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I'm free to babysit tonight.
I want to get stoned like I cheated on my Iranian husband.
So I told my girlfriend that she'd look better with her hair back... Which apparently is a very rude thing to say to a cancer patient.
For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr
Are there holes in your socks? No? Then how do you put them on?
Why did the sperm cross the street? Because i put on the wrong socks.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released? ME: Crimes. PB: Excuse me? ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I'M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
The Statue of Liberty's torch sure is good at surviving apocalypses.
I once saw a theatrical performance about puns... It was a play on words.
If you had a gun and you were being chased by a  bull and a mountain lion which one would you shoot first? The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!
I will read my horoscope from as many different sources as I need to until I find the one I like
eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
I have seen my first naked lady Sorry, I meant... I have seen my First Lady naked.
Why did the horse stir his cereal with his  hoof? Because he wanted to feel his oats!
We didn't have Legos when I was a kid. We had Lincoln Logs & we could build anything with them: big cabin, small cabin, you name the cabin.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I'd love you more if you had super powers.
Friendship. (A bit of a dark humour) Friend: I need to save money... Me: Get a life vest Me: And some rope. Friend: Why do I need the life vest? Me: If you have to ask, you might not need one.
When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap. It was quite touching, really.
So a photon checks into a hotel... Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?" Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"
My girlfriend doesn't believe in abstinence. Thank God.
What is the favourite part of Halloween for a pedophile? The home delivery.
What programming language do they use in Star Wars? JawaScript
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my...cat
Geeky Joke There are 10 kinds of people: those who can count in binary, those who can't and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
From a Friend's 10-Year-Old Daughter Why did Adelle cross the road? To say hello from the other side!
If a tramp and a bunch of rich people are dressed the same, how does the tramp stand out? He begs to differ.
If the shoe fits... congratulations. You've correctly measured your feet.
A roman guy enters a bar, raises two fingers... And say to the bartender: five beers, please!
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son* *i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I used to work in a mental institution, but I kept getting blood all over my hands. *menstrual
Some people like cats and some people don't. Apparently the Pope's a cataholic.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I really lack the words to compliment myself today.
It's all because of a misunderstanding. Jared told his buddies that he was going off the Subway diet and he asked them what he should eat. They said to have a Little Debbie.
The invisible man and the shrink The receptionist tells the psychiatrist that there's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible. The Psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill] "No" What? "You can't sit in the Kangaroos pouch" *places $50 back in my pocket*
Wife: It's date night! Me: So, a movie, and... You still have that school uniform? W: Yes. *winks* M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
How many Steam employees does it take to change a light bulb? Honestly Im not sure, they havent got back to me yet. It's been 3 weeks.
Them: What would you do if you knew that you couldn't fail? Me: Probably eat spaghetti while wearing a clean gray sweatshirt.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What did they call that ancient philosopher from China who quoted a lot about a woman's pussy? cuntfucius
Why Are Demons So Fat? Because they hate exorcising.
How do you fit five elephants into a car ? Two in the front two in the back and the other in the glove  compartment !
ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction
Why were there 600 Mexicans at the Alamo? They only had 2 cars.
Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted? To get fucked by a third party?
I've seen a LGBT activist publish phones and home addresses of homophobic straight people on the Internet. Needless to say, I found his approach somewhat heterodox.
TIFU when my parents weren't home. turns out it is really hard getting your dick out of a dvd once you get erect
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure] other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
TIL You can't have a crusade without... USA
What kind of hotdog did the Buddha order from the street vendor? One with everything
What's the worst type of vegetable to bring on a boat? Grandpa. :(
Dr: you have pneumonia Hillary: what's pneumonia Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what's pneu with you
What do you think of Dracula films?  Fangtastic!
Love is like a machine... ...sometimes you just need a good screw to fix it.
I've been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree
NSFW Sex joke: New sex position called the bull rider. Ride a girl doggy style, grab her hair, and whisper in her ear "I have aids". See how long you can last.
How do you get a 12 yr old to cry twice? (x-post from comments) Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear. And I'm off to hell.
I dated a girl with a parrot once. Hideous thing that would not shut up. The parrot was cool though.
Why can't you ever trust an atom? Because, they make up everything...
What do the Enterprise and and toilet paper have in common? They both circle around Uranus searching for klingons.
How loud can you talk? -Alcohol
6: Daddy the floor is lava! Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
What's the other name for Game of Thrones? ( sex ) Dungeons and Dragons
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
How many chauvinistic male pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
I can't stop watching the Hunger Games movies... ...I have a heroine addiction.
A nsfw joke :) what was ass to mouth called in the middle ages? turn the other cheek. (still. its funny :)
Today I found out I have dyslexia... I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
What did one repost say to another? Well the flag is a big plus! &amp;#3232;_&amp;#3232;
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don't even like doing things once.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino (Hell-if-I-know)
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ? So that they can pack the defence !
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I want to write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so that you'll know how much it hurts to miss you.
My girlfriend just texted me "myspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative?" Does anyone know what "ternative" means?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"
What day is /r/Jokes favorite? Earth Day, it's all about recycling!
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope
My OCD is so bad that, when someone falls asleep on a plane, I turn off their overhead light. And braid their hair.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio furniture
What do they call a Polish astronomer? Copernicus.
Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to.
"Hey, what's that Febreeze that smells like Fireball?" Yeah, non-alchoholics call that cinnamon.
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. "Hey kid" he shouted. "Why don't you go outside and play?"
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
How do you make a cheeseburger sad? Make it with blue cheese!
I hate bikes that carry two people. I can't tandem.
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.
I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.
Say what you will about dung beetles... ...at least they have their shit together.
Such bullshit that people stop saying "You ate it all! Good job!" once you reach a certain age
Did you hear bout the new iphone with professional camera? Its called the eyephone.
I'm currently a recovering alcoholic... But I prefer the term "hungover."
I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day. I hope she finds someone nice.
Confucius say: It is good if boy meets girl in park... It is better if boy parks meat in girl.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and body-slam them for maximum impact.
An Asian man's wife died He couldn't bereave it.
A priest, black man, and a Jew walk into a bar And the bartender says "What is this a joke?"
I don't mind meeting her parents. It's her husband I have always been avoiding.
I was at Redbox, but I didn't know what to watch. I consulted my groceries, and my pizza said, "Keep Frozen."
Ellen Degeneres died today... ... they found her face down in Rosie O'Donnell.
Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to  stone!
MOM: You give that back to him, mister ME: Ok mom MOM: and what do we say now? ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl
[Gets arrested] Officer: You get one phone call... *hangs up a few minutes later. Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Diarrhea is the #2 cause of death in the U.S.
I once met a man from Nantucket... ...He didn't understand limericks, either.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man So I can get a better girlfriend
Velcro What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine.
What do you call a woman who throws letters in the fire? Bernadette
Small office joke My office is so small that when my feet are under my desk I trip people walking down the hall!
What should you do before cooking the vegetables? Remove the wheelchair
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana. 
How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.
A man in a museum accidentaly breaks a vase. Manager: That vase was over a thousand years old! Man: Phew - I thought it was new.
Coin joke I walked into a music store with $50 I walked out with a Nickleback
Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger ? No but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken  !
Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing
A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow twenty dollars.... ..the father replies, "Ten dollars?! What do you need five dollars for?!?"
What do you call a magical dog? Labracadabrador!!!
When I'm not standing up or laying down, I have a seizure If I sit, I fit.
If Bernie hates the 1%... why is it that only they vote for him?
Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.
Shout out to all hoarders, sleeping on piles of cats and whatnot.
So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting... The ham looks over at the turkey and says: "What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "
So a baby seal walks into a club I'll show myself out
Where is the best place to hide something? On the second page of Google search results.
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.
Looking out the hospital window while mom is resting on bed. That was either dad or superman falling of the roof.
...and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for "I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don't You Care That I'm Dying"
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear
Spent $200 on a Chinese hooker and was horny again an hour later
What's the difference between Jews and Pizza? Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose. Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*
The Manager you asked to speak to doesn't give a fuck either.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The cheetah is the fastest land mammal right after a politician backpedaling about an opinion he didn't want the public to know about
It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Girl, my life is full of tragedy. In 1997, my girlfriend was killed by a guy named Sephiroth. AND she was our party's only healer :(
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven't heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he's okay.
I think I am going to buy a whiteboard.... They're simply remarkable.
You know what else is pointless? Circles.
A black guy walks into a bar. Don't worry he's still in his cell.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Some really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
A local nightclub held a special ladies night for double amputees. The place was crawling with pussy.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job? He couldn't see himself doing the work
"The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era" I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.
What type of gum does a Buddhist perfer? Enlightenmint! More Gum Jokes!
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. *They're normally around 90 degrees.*
You're nice, cute & single? Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he'd never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.
At first I hated my new haircut... but it's growing on me.
When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . . I was right.
Where can you find a scientist that's into bestiality? In his lab!
Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.
I want a job as a mirror cleaner... It's something I can see myself doing.
What's the difference between Michael Brown and Darren Wilson? Only one of them knows how to dodge a bullet.
BUILD A MAN A FIRE... BUILD A MAN A FIRE AND HE'LL BE WARM FOR A DAY SET A MAN ON FIRE, HE'LL BE WARM FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
I never know what to do with my hands during pictures, so I get it gang members, I totally get it.
You shouldn't be friends with a fence, because... ...They hold you back.
My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of "denied". I said, "Indeed".
A horse walks into a bar. The other customers promptly get up and leave, seeing the potential danger in the situation
Columbia have already begun their preparations for the upcoming match against Uruguay. The entire squad are set to have tetanus and rabies jabs.
You're a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren't you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that's also a liar?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants. If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them with feminists
A ghost floats into a bar... The bartender says: 'What'll it be, spirits?
How did Darth Vader know what Luke would get for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What do you call a well-written short story? Articulette
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts Watto: I'm immune to mind tricks Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers? Watto: I will give you the parts
The masochist and the sadist. What did the masochist say to the sadist? "Hit me." What did the sadist say to the masochist? "No."
I'm dyslexic, atheist and an insomniac... I stay up all night wondering if there *really* is a Dog.
My brother ran into my room just now and said "Someone dumped exactly seven used condoms on my bed!" I said: "Huh, that's odd."
What movie was made when Hannibal lecter got Paralysed? Silence of the Limbs
My wife and I are working on our marriage. She's more attentive to my needs and I've mostly stopped telling other women I'm a single father.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[puts hand on wife's stomach as baby kicks] Come out here & try that.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
I've been seeing this narcoleptic girl lately, it's going really well. I'm saving a fortune on Rohypnol.
if you would've told me back in 1999 that we'd still be using animated gifs in 2015 I would've said "wow what a boring conversation"
So a cannibal was eating his sister- No, wait. It was a hillbilly...
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat "I'd rather stand" Are you sure? You have "Falls Down When Gets Bad News" disease *Thud*
My 17yo pretends he doesn't understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you're finally a man
Facebook would be way cooler if it was on TV. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11".
I have a joke my life
A black man walks into a bar and robs it.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Past, present and future walked into a bar It was tense
I bought a book on eBay called, 'How to scam on eBay'. That was two months ago, and it's not arrived yet.
How does a black mother tell her children apart? She remembers them by their last names.
Some acids walked into the enemy base... Threat Neutralized.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you'd be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don't need to call the police.
Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend. Worse is getting 'lemme think about it' for a reply.
The "bishop" came to our church today... He was a fucking impostor. Never once moved diagonally.
I told my ex-boyfriend to masturbate so he could give me a fucking break once in a while.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple..? Cancer.
My ex's taught me that not every I love you is real.
Switzerland is a pretty sweet country... and their flag's a big plus.
I wish I could hang out with Gwen Stefani. We would discuss which shit is/isn't bananas.
How do you fit more pigs on your farm? Build a sty-scraper!
I would submit a chemistry joke But all the chemistry jokes argon
A dwarf psychic escaped from a police holding cell. Headlines read "Small Medium at Large"
The Irish are really far behind with technology... Their bombs still have four wheels and a motor.
My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her.
What do you call a bad cow joke? Udderly terrible!
Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?
Why should you never trust a cheap circumcision? It's a total ripoff.
Why was the man arrested at the farmers' market? He was caught taking a leek.
Girl finds out that she's pregnant... And goes to tell her mum about it. Her mum asks; "Have you had a check-up?" Girl says; "No, he was Polish"
If Trump becomes president, I would really like to see how Republicans are going to defend him for doing the same thing Obama did: Nothing.
Why did Ted get fired from his job? Because he would only do the _bear_ minimum?
If I ever have a baby, I hope it's a puppy.
Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened? Hispanic Room
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste...
What's the difference? What's the difference between a McDonald's burger and a Priest. Answer: none. They both put meat between two 10 year old buns..
It's impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic...
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don't take it as a suppository.
When I RT what I'm actually saying is "Fuck I wish I wrote that"
[senses date is losing interest in me] "my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine"
Two kittens are on a slanted roof, which one slides off first? The one with the least mew.
What does the bees do with their honey? They eat it, If they eat too much, they will get Diabeetis.
What's better than having sex with an 8 year old boy against a barbed wire fence? Nothing.
What's the difference between a pizza and a pizza joke? Pizza jokes can't be topped! :D
Did you know the pope really loves cats? He's a real catholic.
The Difference Between Starkiller Base and The Death Star Starkiller base doesn't have a reactor core because it is a copyright of the fine bros.
Ha - mildly amusing Haha - funny Hahaha - sarcastic laugh Hahahaha - stayin' alive
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that's 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
patients always come to the office asking about measles And I tell them, "no no no, i don't want to make this about measles. Let's talk about yousles"
Why does the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing :D
Diarrhea is actually hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
Mayweather gets in a street fight... Wins by decision
What does Soylent Green taste like? It varies from person to person.
Click Baited...and outsmarted...and generally out played.. i miss u paul. &lt;3
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I don't get * Why my son is so disappointed this christmas * He didn't get any presents last year either
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Shockingly Pitbull's first name isn't Feat.
What do you call movie night at Bill Cosby's house? Netflix and pill
So today is Star Wars day May the fourth be with you!
What does a gay horse eat? Dick.
Have you heard the one about the misaddressed letter? You might not get it.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It's like he's saying: "I'm better than youbut not by much."
Yo mama's so fat When she backed up her pictures to iCloud, the entire sky fell.
She wanted to be friends with benefits, but I said no because she didn't offer dental.
Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh?
How do mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Cesars
There was a study on the different sexes least favorite word. They found that indeed "moist" was the least favorite word among women and that "deeper" was the least favorite word among men.
Why did Jesus walk on water? Because niggas can't swim
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot. [fall down stairs as I leave]
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU WANNA GO RIDE BIKES??
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die? Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not? 3: It's full of dead people.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
What do bisexuals use for transportation? Bicycles.
How do you hear a hormone? Pay $100 for 30 minutes
Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?
The secret of recent explosion of Antares rocket The decades old Soviet rocket engines it used were engineered to fly TO America, not AWAY from it.
I got Indian food with a friend and paid for all the bread It was a nan issue.
How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck
Where does the president keep his armies? In his sleevies
A young man was at prom with his date. He went off in search for something to drink. After getting lost a few times, he finally asked a chaperone, "So where's the punch line?"
I like to wear latex gloves to the doctor. Then he knows I can quickly retaliate if he gets too handsy.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it's not domestic violence or a wild party. It's football season, that's just me screaming at my TV.
Why did Hitler buy the car when it went on sale? Because he liked the holocost.
Have you heard who's playing the lead role in Hollywood's latest fairytale movie? China's GDP numbers.
Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude. Be positive! Communicate! Hide when real work comes!
Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, "My God, I look like a pillow" ? If so, that's not a mirror - it's your pillow.
Let's make a collection of shock humour/disgusting jokes
Why do you want to be buried at sea?  Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
Did you know darth veder got married His wife is elevator Terrible joke I know
Why doesn't Elin Nordegren ever shop at the fish market? Because Tiger is always bringing home crabs!
When did Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs? An army.
How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows. LA cops just beat the shit out of the room for being black in the first place.
England doesn't have kidney banks, but it has a Liverpool.
Are you from Iraq? Because I wanna see you Baghdad ass up
Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to whiskey time.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I'll race you to the bedroom, winner gets to pick the hole.
What did the gay deer say after leaving the club? I can't believe I blew ten bucks in there.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
What do you call a special needs sheep that got turned into a blanket? A down comforter.
Accounting joke: What do you call inventory that doesn't exist? Finnish Goods
"Hello, barman? Give me another drink!" I yelled. He said, "I think you've had enough, sir." "What makes you say that?" I laughed. He said, "I'm a taxi driver."
What the difference between an IS training camp and a primary school? There aren't many paedos in the camp.
Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns? Chronic depression makes the meat a little tangy.
My friends laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian... Well they're not laughing now
A Dad's Advice A dad is giving his son some advice one day. The dad says, "Son, don't masturbate too much or you'll go blind." The son replies, "Dad, I'm over here."
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love. I told her choose one, I can't do both.
"Give it to me" she screamed "Give it to me I'm so fucking wet!" But try as she might, she wasn't getting my umbrella.
What is it called when you kill a chickpea? Hummuside
*reaches for the stars* Stars: I have a boyfriend
Why didn't Gordon Ramsay like the Girl Scout cream pies? He found a hair in one.
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?"The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
[on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'
A procrastinator's work is never done.
Why didn't Hitler get an A on the math exam? He didn't complete the final solution. I wrote that in my sleep.
Are you cold? Go stand in a corner. They're always 90 degrees.
I heard there was a website to find missing sausage.... But I couldn't find the link
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Next time I cut out eyes in a painting to watch people from behind the wall, I'll use a portrait instead of a landscape.
What do you call the act of press-ganging someone into a monastery? Force of habit.
Papa tomato, Mama tomato and little tomato, are walking down the street. little tomato is walking a little slow so pap walks up and says... ketchup.
I don't understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it's all just bullsh - HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
"I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream
My mom asked if i would stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis... I said "Maybe".
"Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist." - God
How do you circumcise a hillbillly? Kick his sister in the chin.
A Roman walks into a bar He holds up two fingers and says "give me five beers."
Two men walk into a bar. The first man is okay, but the other suffered a terrible head injury.
Q: Why did the baker rob the bank? A: He needed the dough.
Why did the monster stop playing with his brother? He got tired of kicking him around.
What did the slab of meat say when it was covered in salt and left out to dry? "I'm cured!"
How do you make an Ethiopian grow? Just add water.
What does Sean Spicer call emails? Alternative fax.
Irish joke An Irish man walks out of a bar.
Why are tourists to Scotland wrongly arrested as pedophiles? They say they came for the 12-year-old Scotch.
What happened to the man in crutches when he heard a punny joke he couldn't bear to stand it.
I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I'm just waiting for him to realize what that means
only thing keeping me from being stripper is about 60 pounds
Miracle? They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
This guy tried to sell me a casket. I told him, "well, that's the *last* thing I'm gonna need."
What did the abused wife say about her husband? Beats me.
A distracted man walks off a cliff while talking on his phone. He was sentenced to death.
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb? You weren't there, man!
What does a worm do in a cornfield? It goes in one ear and out the other
Wait a second ... Water parks have restrooms ... For what?!
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar ...he orders a drink
I went to a seafood disco last night Pulled a mussel
In alcohol's defense, i've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Pot is a gateway drug. But the gateway is cluttered with gallons of ice cream & stacks of pizza, so it's hard to pass through.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Why did the little tugboat do what all of the other tugboats told him to do? Pier pressure
Why don't white girls like trigonometry? Because secant even.
The other day I asked my wife to hand me the news paper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."... That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.
The Russians official stance on the downed MH17 flight: Donetsk, don't tell.
Although it may be true that I don't have a lot of friends, I do however have a significant amount of strangers that don't bother me.
Did you hear about the band Kansas getting arrested for kidnapping at the airport? They tried to carry-on my wayward son.
So a rapist, pedphile and a priest walk into a bar... He orders a beer
I'd like to hear Tony the Tiger's opinion on other products before he tells me how great his cereal is.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef strokin off
What kind of blowjob does a screwdriver give? Flathead
This guy gave me a free copy of his book today. An actual printed copy! I had no idea they were still doing this kind of thing. It's fancy.
Today's episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini's cat
I like my pasta like I like my prostitues With a little sausage
I like my politicians like I like my men ...I don't like men.
Chuck Norris died a few hours ago. Don't worry, he's fine now.
I feel a little bad about peeing in the pool my children swim in, but margaritas.
Note to self: Remove dog before stabbing box to make air-holes.
I thought about going into investment banking Then I lost interest.
I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.
"I got 99 problems, but falling asleep ain't one." ~ Jay-ZZZ
Some people are like slinkies They don't do much, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Son asks "Dad, do you die if you lose your head?" Dad responds "That is a no-brainer"
Some people get paid to make fish puns... I just do it for the halibut.
Now that we're moving in together I feel it's time to fill him in on the secret I've protected him from for 5 years: Girls poop too.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye... and then it's fun and games with no depth perception."
What's the difference between the Hillary Clinton and a piece of fruit? The fruit can only get so rotten.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? (x-post from /r/3amjokes) [It's pasture bedtime!](http://www.reddit.com/r/3amjokes/comments/1y8d67/what_did_the_mama_cow_say_to_the_baby_cow/)
What did one Fart say to the other? Just so you know, your's is not the only asshole around
What do you call a deaf dog? Whatever you want he still won't come.
Why are the old trees always yelling? They were all petrified.
A Google Doc of friends' employment status so everyone knows who can chill whenever.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
What do you call an extremely constipated person? Whatever you like. They don't give a shit.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she's not my biological offspring
"I'm just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink" -guy who discovered milk
When I told my buddy that I'd be with his mom tonight, he informed me that she had died 5 years ago That's never stopped me before
"Guys. You guys. GUYS. Guys. YOU GUYS. Guys. Guys. GUYS." - guy who discovered ice cream
A rapist, a priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar. They say "ow"
What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A urination.
Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church Priest says 'you're not allowed in here! Get out!' Higgs Boson looks at him confused, 'but without me you can't have mass.'
Someone angrily told me "You're so sarcastic!" That would be like me angrily telling a woman "You're so beautiful!"
3-year-old: What's a swear word?Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.3:Me:3: Is my middle name a swear word?
Long arm of the law Will have different meaning when Trump becomes president
My grandmother is like a fine wine that grows more racist with every year.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Words (short and lame) Prepositions are words to not end sentences with.
I think I promised to have 3 beers and be home by 10 Sorry honey, I always get those 2 mixed up.
When someone asks me, "Is this seat saved?" I like to say "No, but we're still praying for it" and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.
Pease don't make fun of dyslexic dwarfs! It's not big and it's not clever!
2 guys walk into a bar. chef
a single strawberry can make a hundred more strawberries, i swear nature is just another word for magic, a way to turn sunlight into sugar
School is like a boner It's long and hard unless you're asian.
stereotypes are like black people not to be trusted
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
how many jews can you fit in a car? 2 in the back, 2 in the front, ad six million in the ashtray.
Why was Latin afraid of Hitler? They were both dead!
NURSE: I promise. It's ok. You can come in. MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I have two short jokes and one long joke. . . Joke Joke Joooooooooooooooooooke. (I apologize to everyone. That one offended even me.)
What is the softest part of a wheel chair? The vegtable sitting in it
What's a great way to say I love you to your wife? I have a heart-on for you. Credit where credit is due: -Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott
I'm on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.
If 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people', does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?
Yo Mama so fat she's gotta wake up in sections
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
What did the cowboy say as he walked into a German car garage? Audi
im a fruad. i wear the wrangler jeans despite never having wrangled a single goddamn thing in my life
A grasshopper walks into a bar The bartender says to the grasshopper "You know, we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Pete?"
what is it called when a redditor has a threesome? using both hands
Wanna hear a clean joke? Timmy took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? I forgot to capitalize Bubbles. Whoops.
FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.
Kevin Spacey once agreed to do a low-budget movie with a badly-written two-dimensional character... ...on the condition that he be credited in the cast as "Kevin Planey."
#BREAKING Oscar Pistorius has today made a plea for clemency ahead of his sentencing in April Mr Pistorius claims he is not the first bloke to come home legless and put a few loads into his missus.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Why was the lady's hair angry? Because she was always teasing it.
I'm not kidding Santa is waiting outside my house til it's "late enough" to go down my chimney
I wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
What did one architect say to the other? "I see the floor in your plan."
Knock, knock jokes You know, the person who made knock knock jokes really deserves a no-bell prize!
Have you heard the one about the ceiling? Nevermind, it's over your head
White smoke is coming out of my neighbor's house. He either elected a new Pope or he's got some good weed.
Why did Beethoven kill off his chickens? They kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
I say: "No, sorry. I'm not on Facebook at all." They hear: "I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship."
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Is bankruptcy spelled with one "oh shit" or two?
There are two kinds of people in the world... Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common? They both have the same middle names.
Thousands of bird droppings are found on a playground.... Police suspect fowl play.
What do logicians use to shave? Occam's razor
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not even an actor.
(God creating coyotes) God: Make them look like dogs. Angel: Exactly like dogs? God: But with a meth problem.
What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.
Why was the tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.
Two TV antennas got married last weekend. The wedding was nothing special, but the reception was excellent.
I wasn't trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs
A man returns to his chiropractor "Back again?"
What was the dog doing on the turnpike? About seven miles an hour.
How do you know when a politician is lying? Their mouth is moving.
What is the saddest Olympic sport to watch? Water Polio
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me Than a frontal lobotomy.
Why is horse racing so romantic? Because the horse hugs the rails the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye!
Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.
Why doesn't an old man ever go down on his old wife? Ever opened a grilled-cheese sandwich?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says 'you're a joke' you can say 'the joke's on you' and disarm the situation.
What do you call a poor pepper farmer? A jalapeno pauper
ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net 911: where M: between 2 trees in our yard 911:a hammock? M: idk what his name is just send help
I let Jesus be my co-pilot once. Terrible decision, really. I was all, "Drive, Jesus! Drive!" And he was like, "No hablo ingles, senor!"
How do you make a hot dog stand? Take away its chair.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I'll taste it nonetheless.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?  A. Drool.
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!
What do you call a sunburnt santa? Crisp Cringle
What does a 14 year-old Native American girl say when she loses her virginity? Stop Dad, you're crushing me smokes!
Why don't Geordies use scales? Because they can weigh things by eye man.
"Will, you, Mary, Me" -- invitation to an orgy.
Why do girls wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell bad.
What do you call a group of women with small breasts An itty bitty titty committee
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy! Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
Hey there's this new diet that can help lose pounds fast! Its called the Brexit
What are a terrestrial planet's favorite genres of music? Rock and Heavy Metal
Wanna hear a construction joke? Oh wait, I'm working on it
how many calories does hating your job burn
Why? How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I'm doing tonight Related - I never babysit
Do you like web jokes? Yes - they're e-larious!
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Why did the Baker rob the Banker? Cause he knead that dough. ........ Sorry I'm drunk
What do you call a smart knife? Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better.
First cannibal: My wife's a tough old bird.  Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another half an hour.
Why was red sad? Because he was feeling blue
Stores in baltimore have been completely looted. all that's left is sunscreen and father's day cards. sauce: http://imgur.com/gallery/Tae9PI5
when i'm stressed i close my eyes and imagine i'm on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
How do you start a baby shower? Throw it into a wood chipper.
If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear... Would Greece Help?
I'm a ginja. What is that you might say? A ginger ninja
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Why does my computer always ask me if I'm "sure" about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Tried to cover Miles Davis but failed miserably... I Kind of Blue it
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
What does the Pillsbury Doughboy see when he looks down? His Doughnuts.
I like my coffee like i like my men... not inside me.
America is in labor now Soon we will know if it's a boy or a girl.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
A teacher challenged 10 of her students to come with a pun each, the whole class would get no homework if one of them made her laugh. But no pun in 10 did.
What do you call it when an immigrant and a pedophile get into a fight? Alien Vs. Predator
I love pizza too much So I go to the doctor, and doc says, "You gotta stop eating pizza"! And I say, "Come on doc, why?" And doc says, "Cause I gotta examine you!"
What's the difference between your mom and a pizza? One I eat everyday, and the other is an Italian-based flatbread with tomato sauce
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal - "I'd eat one" is not the right response.
"Why'd the chicken cross the road?" "Why Daddy?" "To get to the other side!" "Did it look both ways?" "It was a...yes. Yes it did."
what's the deal with hairline food I mean sheariously
How do you kill a hipster? Drown him in the main stream.  A hipster actually told me this one.
I can guess how many times you've had sex... 0! about 99% of you guys just had your minds *blown*
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Divorce Barbie ...includes the house the car and half of Ken's  belongings
What do you call 4 mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro sinko
What did the pirate say when he saw the dank meme? arrr lmao
What did Pitbull ask for Christmas? Dolly.
How many Karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? [repost] I don't care. I'm just doing this for the upvotes, but I think the other guy said ten... or 500... something like that.
A man walks into a bar and says... "Argh, fuck!"
I know a great knock knock joke But you have to start it.
What do you call a group of transsexual surfers? The radical left.
What do you call a Muslim with a piece of ham on his head Hamed... What do you call one with two pieces of ham on his head Morhamed
In Theory... In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they never are.
Confession: I'm a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
What's the worst thing about Michael Jackson teaching your kindergarten class? The smell. The man's been dead for 6 years.
Mary faked a smile when she opened the frankincense and myrrh.
We Played the Guessing Game Mom: What did you do at school today? Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam? Mark: That's right.
What do female ghosts have? BooOOOooobs.
Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:"Do U find this is a tough neighborhood? Neighbor:"Na, u just use a slow cooker. Me:"What? n:"What
Where is the best place to hide a nigger's food stamps? Under his work boots.
She was only a whiskey maker... ...but he loved her still.
What languages do pigs speak Porktuguese
What's the difference between Victoria Taylor and Arnold Schwarzenegger? One was fired, the other was terminated
Do you know what is 4 inches in length, 2 inches in diameter, and drives women fucking crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
What do toilets yell when they ride roller coasters? Weeeeeeeee!!!
I can't wait till they invent the non automatic paper towel dispenser.
What did the snake priest say to the snake groom after the marriage? You may now "hiss" the bride.
So a Michigander, a masochist, and football fan walk into a store. He asks the cashier, "Where's the Lion's jerseys?"
I like my women like I like my coffee. Irish.
"No, no, I said I'm a PEDALPHILE. I'm super into bicycling. So that's a no go on the job now, huh?"
Saturday night, time to get crazy! *shuffles Uno cards*
Horrible news. My nephew was on a bus traveling on a foggy mountain road in Chile. Then he got those big stupid disks put in his earlobes.
Did you hear about that green and brown patterned toilet that exploded? It was a Camo-Khazi... FYI Khazi is British slang for a toilet, so now you know!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are 99 cents, deer nuts are just under a buck !
A man gestures to an empty parking lot... and says, "This is all asphalt." Then his ass says, "Don't blame me."
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night... He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
There are three people in this world The ones that can count, and the ones that cant.
An Atheist, a Crossfiter, and a Vegan walk into a bar... ...and everybody knows.
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day ? After a week he was spotless !
Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where the Nazi's empire reaches to all four corners of the universe... They've become a Reichtangle.
Why do hamburgers make poor pigeons? They won't talk no matter how you grill them!
If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has. 
Right now feels like the eye of the storm, or, if you're younger than 25, the drop in the dubstep song.
When men and women argue who's the most stubborn... Then men concede they are are, because they just don't want to argue this anymore.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
What's black and doesn't work? Decaf coffe... you racist
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? NINE!
How many Suh Dude's does it take to change a lightbulb? None it's already lit fam suh
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Never seek the dead for guidance. They give really cryptic advice...
Someone told me it was as easy as pie It never ended
Once I was travelling in a taxi, the taxi driver said: "I am very happy with this job. I am my own boss and nobody can order me what to do." Then I said: "Take left."
Two Pretzels walk into a bar... One was a salted.
So many people say "if my memory serves me correctly" and I'm actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory.......
How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon ? Melon-collie !
If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
[First day of prison] "Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?" Sure, I'll call you. Just give me your cell number *gets stabbed*
So I'm ordering a coffee... I tell the barista, "French Roast, two sugars, no cream." The barista responds, "I'm sorry sir we're all out of cream, would you like your coffee without any milk instead?"
What do you call a white supremacist who fights aliens at night? A white power ranger
As a child I wanted to be a personal trainer but I ended up as a politician. At least I still convince absolute idiots that change is being made.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n' grind? Trevor in human resources.
I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks - Dad loved her, so did my sis, but mum said she could've done with another hour or so on a low heat.
Oh, so you're a Shania Twain fan, eh? That don't impress me much...
I've done a ton of research and looked at multiple symptom checkers. I went to the doctor and he said I was fine but..... .....I think I may be suffering from hypochondria
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawkings in a house fire.
If Trump wins the election ... What will the presidential candidate for the next election choose as his/her campaign motto? "Make America good again."
When you need Advice everyone is ready to help.....But when you need Help everyone only gives advice...!!!!
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything
What did the host of an orgy say to his guests? I'm glad you all came!
I'm not totally useless... I can be used as a bad example.
"I wish you were dead." Said the necrophiliac to his girlfriend.
I've just come back from the beauty parlour.  Pity it was closed!
I told a joke I made up last Halloween! It got me a few Snickers.
Why couldn't Sally use the swings? She had no arms Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for her Birthday? We don't know, she didn't open it yet.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today's pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
On a perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice? So... Can I come inside?
Do you know what a Canadian's favourite gun is? Eh-K-47
A jewish girl asks her dad for 40 dollars her dad looks at her and says"30 DOLLARS??!!?!, what do you need 20 dollars for? here's a ten, go split it with your brother"
This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, [at least] one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull.
I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was  protecting his eyes from.
Welcome to Insults  Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you're not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You'd probably like that
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
What do they call me in prison? Mitochondria, cause I'm the powerhouse of the cell
Say something soft and sweet to me. Dracula: Marshmallows chocolate fudge cake...
Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit? Because the sith always comes in pears
69 is the kamikaze of oral sex .. If I'm going down you're coming with me.
I love to online. Have you ever tried online? Online is better than offline I think. There's no memes offline and there are wolves offline.
What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes? Cuntstubble
What did the black guy get on his SATs? BBQ sauce.
My mom always said to wash the food before eating it She was a great woman. Not so her sandwiches.
My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is "Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason."
I won't be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Why did the Cell Tower Cafe get bad reviews? Because the service was horrible.
What's the difference between Hitler and Killer Keemstar (DramaAlert)? Hitler knew when to kill himself. (Got this from the youtube comments of Hell)
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don't get why people have jobs.
What is a pigs favorite type of acrobatics? Porkour
So a girl asked me if I was a tits or an ass man.. so I said, well my friends always tell me, "You're an ass, man!" Ba dum tiss.
I like my women like I like my men. That's the joke. I'm bi.
Buddy 1:Hey ever heard of the movie constipation? Buddy 2:No i have not. Buddy 1: that's because it hasn't come out yet.
Toy Story (1995) - A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
She asked if I wanted to eat ass... I said no because it'll taste like shit
Son to his father as they watch television:  "Dad tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel."
Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house? because he has gnocchi
Reading a book about anti-gravity... and its impossible to put down
Nothing says " My divorce didn't go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
What are swearing outdoor grills powered with? Profane tanks.
What does Han Solo see looking into the mirror? Han Double
I like how babies always look drunk. Even after only one beer.
A horse enters a bar... A horse enters a bar Upon seeing it, the barman says, "Why the long face?" The horse, unable of understanding human language, shits on the floor and leaves
I made my summoner name 'jokeaboutaredditmoderator' on League of Legends The enemy team kept deleting me
Sadly,the man who invented the raffle has passed away. R.I.P Tom Bola.
Where does a toxicologist go to get the best possible education? A Poison Ivy League College.
Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get those tiny little legs apart?
Why were all the girls looking at the piece of paper? Because it was ripped.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo bean? I won't pay 10 bucks to have a Garbanzo bean on my face
Why is it best to wear leather when sneaking around? It's made of hide
Why don't Middle Eastern dogs bite as often? Because they Muslim.
What's your favorite city in Thailand? Phuket, I don't know...
A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night. *twists ankle by the copier
Two words that would mean the end of Twitter - Miley Bieber.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
A boy asks his father: "Dad, dad, what's abortion?" "Ask your sister.", the father responds. "But I don't have a sister", the boy says, confused. "That's the point."
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.
What's a ghost's favorite type of car? A Booghati
Years after presidency, the introverted former president Obama is asked if he has ever had an affair. He responds with "I've never been one to cum outside of Michelle."
I would tell you a wifi joke ...but i left it InSSIDer..
How do you make any woman wet? Liquor
I wish they'd just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "alright!".
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans but they don't admit it.
What happened when Harry Potter had sex with a pig? He got hog warts.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you'll turn into a cartoon character
1st Witch: What's your new boyfriend like ? 2nd Witch: He's mean nasty ugly smelly and totally evil - but he has some bad points too !
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
What's the definition of "Macho Man" A guy who comes in 1st and 2nd in a circle jerk.
What's E.T. short for? Because he's got tiny legs.
Take me to a bar on an empty stomach and see how quickly I can become much more entertaining than the entire cast of Jersey Shore.
[last day at job] "You've made my life a misery, I hate you all" [remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift] "Not you tho Phil"
What's Mary short for? She's got no legs.
How do mob boss mules open doors? With Don-keys.
26.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why was the Newfie excited when he heard Quebec might leave Canada? It wouldn't take him as long to drive to Toronto
[meeting] DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI PRODUCER: Yes! D: A huge cast P: Agreed! D: Realistic family photos P: We don't have the budget
What's Mary short for? She's got no legs!
*deletes fb account* *leaves social media* *goes to Himalayas* *pigeon comes with a note* *opens note* *candy crush request* *dies*
What if you get to heaven and God is like "Nah bra you can't get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?"
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam.
They say that when you find a spider in Australia... you hear boss battle music.
When a big account that doesn't follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
What's the most bitter tea in existence? Reality *cries in the corner*
Despite having no nominations this year, I'm certain that black folks will clean up at The Oscars.
It's confusing when a girl is both beautiful and doesn't listen to terrible music.
How are making love in a boat and Coors Lite similar? They're both fucking close to water,
A man cheats... on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
You haven't built just a wall around you; you've constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.
Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store? That's how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
What makes the Jewish Monopoly game so much harder than the original? Because the banker starts with all the money and never gives it away.
What is the only part of a vegetable you cant eat? The wheelchair!
What did the clock do when it was hungry? Went back 4 seconds
Heck A place reserved for those who don't believe in Gosh.
What's the difference between a gun and a feminist? One of them doesn't throw a fit when triggered.
We have great news. We're pregnant! -Awesome! Do u know the sex yet? Of course we know 'the sex'. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
How do you make holy water? You burn the hell out of it.
NEMESIS: i hate you ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend NEMESIS: so can you stay the night? ME: i'll ask my mom
Three nuns are sitting in the park... ...when a man comes up and flashes them. The first nun has a second stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third couldn't quite reach it.
Why Couldn't the Billionaire Fit through the circular door? He was too eccentric.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I tried suing Amtrak for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Ok I won't subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What's the difference?
What did the really ugly man  do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.
If I had a nickel for every time some didn't understand me I'd make more cents.
Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day... At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."
The sign down the highway said "Don't be a turkey, don't text and drive" They misspelled vegetable.
What does an Engineer use for contraception? His personality!
My wife said "If you switch off the light, I will take it up the ass." She let out a scream. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first...
I went shopping . . . I went to the supermarket to get some groceries. When I got to the dairy section, they only had one piece of cheese left. It was provolone.
What do triangles do in the summer? They tan.
I'll never forget my uncles last words to me... "Dont shake the ladder you little shit"
I'm never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables? Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
i told this girl at the bar that im kinda popular on twitter and she sighed for 17 minutes straight the bartender timed it
Fruit Blast Once a banana asked the apple,"why do everyone cut and eat you?" The apple replied,"then why do everybody remove your clothes and eat you???!!!"
What's one thing that a beautiful woman and a jar of peanut butter have in common? They can both make me swell up to 3 times my normal size.
Emergency Landing: Gary thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on... *to copilot* STOP CRYING, GARY WILL HELP
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.
What do you get it you cross a porcupine with a giraffe? A long necked toothbrush.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, how do you think the egg was made? (I'm not sure how original this is, but I just thought of it.)
Highway Driving 101: Left Lane: People in a hurry, People who can drive. Right Lane: Elderly People, Asians, Women, Dogs, Infants.
Q: Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? A: Because umbrellas can't walk.
I am not well... ... neither am I a river!
I'm going to tweet with my left hand so it feels like someone else is tweeting about me.
For those possibly wondering why the popularity of the emo movement disappeared If your social group is defined by a suicidal nature, don't expect it to last a long time
Did you hear about Prince? He died.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can't find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
RT this if you like to repeat what other people say
My girlfriend told me that I never think for myself. How should I respond? Source: http://qr.ae/xUchD
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the  whole time?
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
Why are Mormons more like Muslims than they are like Christians? Christians are not-for-prophet organizations.
What is the square root of 69? Eight something.
What does cows say when they want someone to move? Muuuuuuuuuuuuhve...........
Twitter should give you rollover characters from your short tweets.
Adolf Hitler wasn't so bad... I mean he did kill Hitler.
Would you fuck a chick with one leg? ...I mean if it could fit.
A study found that Buzzfeed is the least trusted news source in media. Serves them right for telling me I belong in Hufflepuff.
Thanks, Obama! The one time the Republicans are actually happy it is Obama's fault that Trump is President.
Kahn Noonien Singh has appeared in Star Trek from 1967 to 2013, spanning many generations of viewers. This is an example of a "Long Kahn".
my daughter's joke How does the Pope fly to Mass? In his HolyCopter.
Why don't pedophiles ever win marathons? They're always coming in a little behind.
I like my lantern like I like my metal Core
My cat won't stop meowing at me I told him I don't speak cat-onese.
Q: What do you call a weapon used by a Canadian ninja? A: Canuck-chucks.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we're not suppose to slow dance:)
Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.
How does a train eat? It goes chew chew.
So a baby seal walks into a club... That's it.
What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth control pill? A trip without the kids.
A severed foot... ...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg
Me: Hurry up kid. We're gonna be late for school 6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going
Driving down the highway and on the side of the road I see a preist fucking a goat! I yell out 'hey, wrong kid!'
What does the math teacher do when he gets constipated? Works it out with a pencil.
A girl just asked me "When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?" I told her, "COMEBACK with a damn  sandwich."
People say "life's a journey, not a destination," because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Why did Walt and Skyler get divorced? There was no chemistry.
That grizzly killed the man with its bear hands
What do you call a basement full of redditors? A wine cellar.
Funny thing about National Cleavage Day is that girls with big boobs celebrate it everyday. Hallelujah.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it's bad *throws in trash* HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what's this
What's the hardest part to cook in a vegetable ? The wheelchair
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby. Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone's cart and demanding they fight you
Why were there no black people in the Flintstones? Because they were still considered monkeys.
Seriously wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
Ted: "Dad, why don't I have a middle name?" Dad: "Actually son, Ted is your middle name. Your first name is Adop"
I gave my Chinese friend some sweets yesterday He said "these are haribo!" Well if you don't like them don't eat them mate.
Vodka & Vicodin are the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.
Why did Steve fall off the swing? Because he was a potato!
Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.
My wife thinks I drink too much... ...but the guy who runs my dialysis treatment says he's seen way worse.
What's the difference between a banana and a bann? A bann grows on vines. I'll show myself out........
Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night... She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on" I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg"
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a huge bird unlike any we've ever seen before! What kind of bird is that? Just look at that bird!
My girlfriend thinks I'm a gentleman for waiting for her to go inside before I drive away. When really I'm just letting out about 6 hours' worth of farts.
In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types. But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.
At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby. They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
So Apple wants to diversify their company... They should just press the home button three times.
How does a Jew make coffee? He brews it.
[interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Why did the mexican take xanax? For hispanics attacks
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
My wife is a sex object. I ask for sex, she objects.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that'd be a great name for my new baby!"
Did you hear the one about the man who got swallowed by a whale? Turns out he survived by running all the way to the end until he was all pooped out!
Christmas must be a hard time for dyslexic children. They get their presents from Satan.
This Joke Won't Get This Upvotes
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
If you use the term "man card" seriously, I assume you use it to access your "man cave," so you can hunker down & gobble some "man dong."
Don't stare at me during sex! I don't know you!
What does Brokeback Mountain and the NFL have in common? The cowboys both suck.
TIL Thesaurus is not a dinosaur
Why should've Christians chosen farts over bread? It's more fun to break wind
If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you ME: but I'm a slave 4 u WIFE: that's it ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Why did the pig wear yellow coveralls? He split a seam in his blue ones.
How do you call a blond who has colored her hair to brown? Artificial intelligence!
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV] 3-year-old: I hate this show. Me: What's wrong with it? 3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Then God created Saturn and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
If someone says "Someone in this room has a bomb," I can't rule myself out as a suspect. - Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Your momma is so mean... she has no standard deviation.
What does the Farmer say when he is searching his shovel ? Where is my shovel ?
They say video games teach kids bad habits, but I've gotten out of at least 17 DUI's by flinging a banana peel at the cop car behind me.
What's the difference between a Pakistani Kindergarten and a Taliban Training Ground? Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.
There were two peanuts walking down the street... ...and one was assaulted peanut.
I was listening to the comedy station today and Bill Cosby came on. I fell asleep shortly thereafter.
You know what I like better than a good non-sequitur? .
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
Why don't single women fart? Because they only get assholes once they're married.
What does the sign on an out of business brothel say? Beat it, we're closed!
You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake...
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns But then he forgot, Toucan play that game
(first date) Me: *hyperventilating* Him: Don't be nervous. Take a deep breath. Me: Can't. I'm wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have sex with his wife? Because whenever She gets hot, he hits her with a shovel.
MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I'M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.
R/News that about covers it
I love the snow. Some of my best friends are flakes.
You're so poor, your neighborhood just received a box full of 49ers Superbowl champions t shirts.
Why did the pervert cross the road? He couldn't get his cock out of the chicken
"F,DT I am." - Yoda texting a girl that he's DTF
What's the difference between a woman and a volcano? One is ash and gas, the other gash and ass...
Whats the last letter in the alphabet? somebody help plz I need help on kindergarten project
Niagara Falls A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas. The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.
A candle is my girlfriend... She is very hot
I like my coffee like I like my women... Without a penis.
What's white and troubles at breakfast? Cumshot
I'm terrible at keeping track of appointments so I signed up for a time management class. I showed up for class *a week late.* [Heard just now on Freakonomics.]
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
Why doesn't Muad'Dib like the Spice Girls? They remind him too much of his mother. I'll see myself out.
Maglev train hits 310mph in Japan. Critics say it has barely left the ground.
Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I'd rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink...
I'm so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer.
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers.
Has anybody ever noticed that you can get salmonella from chicken...but not chickenmonella from salmon?
Why do witches not wear panties? You get better grip on the brooms.
What's the best way to become a Russian leader? Stop Stalin! Just Putin the effort and start Lenin it happen!
Oh Thursday, you teasy bitch you.
can U answer this? If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ...Do you think: (a) You need more time together, (b) She's a prude, or (c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now i can't find him.
Brexit is like traffic Rest of the EU is right even if the British left.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
When I was ten I played Secret Agent with my little brother. Turns out toddlers do not make good grappling hooks.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN'T WANT TO BE EATEN
Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven? A: God gave him his gas bill.
The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Pull all of your money out of Pepto-Bismol stocks immediately. There's some real liquidity problems over there.
What do dark humour and food have in common? Only some people get it.
To the lady who keeps banging on my door at night.. I'm not letting you out.
You guys should read "It's normal here" a biography of a Chinese exchange student who was sexually assaulted. written by Quinton Chingme
Why did Chris Christie endorse Donald Trump? Christie wants the highest cabinet position possible because he knows - the higher cabinet is where they keep all the cookies!
3 great things about getting old and losing your memory 1. You're always making new friends. 2. Every joke you hear is new. 3. I uh, I forget the third one.
What does Fozzie the Bear do when he can't find a ride? Walk-a Walk-a
A man asks his wife on a Friday evening... Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend? Wife: Sure, why not? Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!
I lost my teeth eating candy at the wrong time of day Just as her husband got home
I asked the Nazi store for a discount They gave me 8 off.
Speak English, kiss French, drive German, dress Italian, spend Arab, party Caribbean.
I hate when someone makes the comment "he says what we're all thinking" when he obviously said nothing about sexy lesbians.
Social media: We're getting rid of chronological order. Everyone: NO! SM: Cool, right?! Everyone: NO! SM: Glad you're excited!
My girlfriend doesn't think I can think fix the electric shower. Well, she's in for a shock
90% of being a parent is shouting, "Remember to flush the toilet." The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
What happens to Stephen Hawking when he stops laughing? He writes scary stories.
My friend told me a story about how he lost his index finger tip. It was a bit point-less.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over? I'm in a High Occupancy lane Cop: Yes...wait IS THAT A JOINT? Yeah I'm HIGH lol Cop: My bad, free to go
I tried clicking on the 'NEW' tab... It just said 'Nothing to see here'.
My mom just got out of rehab for her knees Knee addiction is tough, it's one of the toughest habits to kick
I looked up "my future as an electrician". It was very bright.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard. Edit 1: Why was my title and username changed?
Two blondes walk into a bar. You would think one of them would have seen it.
Me: "I have octopus like reflexes." Person: "Don't you mean cat like reflexes?" Me: *squirting him with ink* "Nope."
I saw a homeless man I know on a bicycle Guess he's mobile homeless
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
So I was at my local dyslexia meeting... And my friend turned to me and said, "can you smell gas?" I replied, "are you kidding? I can't even smell my own name."
Wife: Valentine's day is right around the corner. Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the fuck he was protecting his eyes from.
Last requests After I die, I have 2 requests on what shall happen to me. 1) I want my remains spread around Disney world. 2) I do not wish to be cremated
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. "Some asshole's got my pen"
I Like Long Walks on the Beach until the LSD wears off and it turns out I'm dragging a mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot
I hate "save the date" engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out "hey forget about that one date 6 months ago" cards
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty? Faith lifts
Why did the Grim Reaper go to the shoe repair shop? To get some soles!
I am NOT just 'a piece of meat' you know. I'm a ribeye steak... a bit fatty, but still quite tasty. Ok, I lied. I'm pork butt.
What did a homosexual reindeer say to Santa Claus? Sleigh, daddy.
How many jews can you fit in a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 6 million in the ashtray...
What do you call a Mexican baptism? Bean dip.
I was going to make a joke... But I fainted
There was an accident involving 2 cars in mexico 17 people were injured.
You matter... Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.
Did you hear about the Irish firing squad? They formed a circle.
Why didn't the spaceship take off? Becuase it was astronauty
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
What's the worst thing about Jonestown jokes? The punch line.
What does Mrs. Potato Head call her husband's penis? The Dick-tater.
imagined Beyonce taking a dump and it ruined my morning
I now determine the days of the week based on Twitter. Is it Follow Friday yet?
What is the most common use for pig skins? To keep the pig in one piece.
Q: Did you hear about the incompetent lumberjack? A: He just couldn't cut it, so he was forest fired.
Why can't Buddhists vacuum in corners? Because they don't have attachments!
[interview for doctor's office receptionist] "Can you schedule appointments and be friendly" Yes. "Sorry we're looking for the opposite"
What's a North Korean farmer's favorite time of year? Breakfast.
Hey people who say "look at our new baby", thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Goals: 0) Start indexing at zero
"well that's a load on my back" - relieved slut
It's oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents' Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
How did the Nazis come up with the name for their concentration camp? After the first Jew off the train said "Awe shits."
A woman grows a plant in a blossoming business as a CEO.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month? (sorry if repost)
How many Ron Pauls does it take to change a lightbulb?
What do you call someone with March Madness who doesn't even like basketball? A hypochondriac
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I know people say, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight," but if there's an unsliced cake at this fight, we're all going to look like idiots.
You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
What's the difference between a white woman and a tampon? They're both stuck up cunts.
You don't have to like me. I'm not a Facebook status..
If it's too cold in a room... Go to the corner, it's 90 degrees!
So Russia has been running out of resources lately... I guess you can call them the Red Scarce.
They have a sea food place at Sea World. How morbid. What if I'm eating a slow leaner.
If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status
Boy-Girl Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *walks away*
Wife wants to relax today! Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets. Husband: why three tickets? Wife: you and your parents.
Listening to music can be dangerous... Some of the notes are sharp.
My wife's been missing for two weeks and the police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Goodwill and got her clothes back.
why are flies the biggest troll? they only live for three days, and spend it fucking with you
What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber 
I Like My Vaginas Like My Two Favorite Clint Eastwood Movies Dirty Harry and Every Which Way but Loose
I just tried to type "cop car" but it autocorrected to "cop cat" and boom I just came up with the title of a new hit detective show.
I have sex almost every night! Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...
What if the weather talks about us?
Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven? Ted: No but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.
Did you hear the Prince died in his recording studio? There was some dead air.
My friend said my mum was hot. I then punched him and reminded him that we were Americans.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence... ...because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.
Max wondered why the ball was slowing growing larger.... and then it hit him.
Why do dinosaurs wear glasses? To make sure they don't step on other dinosaurs.
Why doesn't UGA ever have a nativity scene at Christmas? Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
FARMER: [when the protractor he ordered online finally gets delivered] this isn't what i wanted at all
Best time to watch German rape porn? Nein! Ooooo nein!
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let's make her a famous princess Droid: What about the other baby? Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Today is 4/22! If you missed 4/20, don't worry because today is 4/22
One of the World's Strongest Man events should be "Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together."
What is a Canadians favorite board game? Sorry!
Statistics are like Bikini Atoll Their essence utterly obliterated for the purpose of proving a political point.
How is a bell obedient? It sounds off only when it is told (tolled).
What's all white and can't fly? Harrison Ford
What do you call it when you marry your male cousin? Your Cuzband
Why does the blood bank never make mistakes? Because they're typo negative
Funny Sex Joke by S.K Are you from Iraq? Cause i like the way you BAGHDAD ass up ;P
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.
Give a man a fish, where's he supposed to put it? Get away from him you weirdo.
Police Officer Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Why were the police at the day care? Because some of the two-year-olds were resisting a rest.
What did the deer say when the sportsman asked if he wanted to go hunting? I'm game.
It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.
Q: What do you call a cow who's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.
What do you call a repeat line cutter? A pair of scissors.
When someone asks me to think outside the box. I think about anal sex.
The original Latin name for Monday was Thisshitagain. #littleknownfacts #alsonottrue
A warhorse walks into a bar... The barman says, "why the long film?"
If Apple Saudi Arabia made a Wrestling Game, it would be called... iSlam.
When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently "Kindergarten" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
Does a bear pope in the woods?
There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
Did you hear about the million dollar Dutch lottery? If you win, you get a dollar a year ... for a million years.
What's a man's definition of safe sex? A: When his wife's out of town.
If Apple makes a car, There won't be any windows in it.
My girlfriend says she'll break up with me if I don't give up writing I said, "Sorry babe. Prose before hoes."
There are 30 cows. 28 chickens. How many didn't? 10
Why doesn't Santa Claus have children? He cums down the chimney.
A girl from the office is trying to get me fired for sexual harassment because I've been giving her "inappropriate massages during work" I said, Good luck sweetheart. I don't even work here.
What kind of secretary is the best secretary? One that never misses a period.
Ladies, never buy Activia yogurt because the rest of us are in line behind you thinking "Awww, that poor girl can't shit without yogurt!"
All these jokes about the note 7 are terrible But they have really blown up (   )
Pay attention to funeral dress codes Sombre is only a couple of letters away from Sombrero
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh? *changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Me: Got your nose! Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Holocaust jokes aren't as funny when you have a relative that died in a concentration camp. To be fair though, if the fall from the gun tower hadn't killed Opa, the alcohol would have.
Wanna hear a joke? Two men are about to have a duel and Man #1 tells Man #2 to draw his blade! Well Man #2 takes out some charcoal and papyrus and begins to draw a picture of his sword.
Why did they invent the shopping cart? To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Q:Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees? A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.
"We invented sex", proudly said the Greeks "we introduced women into it", said the italians
What is a similarity between a Rubik's cube and a dick? The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
I dont pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober I've pretended to be sober a few times
I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago I Haven't received it yet..
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you "scare easily" and are "quite disagreeable". ME: *from behind the couch* That's not true.
How are procrastination and masturbation alike? At first it's all fun, but in the end you realize you're just screwing yourself.
What did the Italian historian ask when he saw the original copies of one of the tragedian's greatest plays? Euripides?
What do you do to a scientist after he dies? You Barium.
What's the mating call for a University of Alabama student? "I'm soo ddrrrruunnkk!"
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.
My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse. Me: You can be one day, if you want. Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I'm going to be a Power Ranger.
Why don't blind people bungee jump? Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs.
officer, buying weed from a guy who sells on the side is basically shopping local. you should be THANKING me for supporting our community.
I don't always tell dad jokes... But when I do, he laughs.
Now that Fall is here, do you think all the teenage girls with duck-faces will fly South for the winter?
What did the magician say to the aerial student? I work on a different plane
How Many Lightbulbs Does it Take to Change Captain Jean Luc Picard? 4 or 5.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
What the Washington Fat Cats don't understand is that when they stopped making Doritos 3D we lost an entire dimension of flavor
I like my coffee how I like my women Bitter, black, and preferably fair trade.
What did the Eskimo say to his wife when she suggested a threesome? "I'm Inuit." Credit goes to R. Ebeltoft.
Fun fact: if you took all the arteries and veins in a person's body and laid them end to end... Then that person would die.
Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.
Why did the hipster burn his tung? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool...
Why did the Romans build straight roads? So Indians couldn't build corner shops.
Girl is asked by her teacher in class to use handsome in a sentence. (She pauses to think) Girl: Sometimes when I'm giving my bf a blowjob, my mouth gets tired... so then I use my *handsome*.
Happy 12th birthday to Google. Only one year left to use it, dears! When it becomes a teenager, it won't answer anything.
I gonna rank you so low you gonna hafta take a rocketship to hell they gonna hafta build a fence around you, keep the ants from pissin on you you gonna hafta look up to look down
bad feelings when others left home they are thinking: did i closed the window... did i closed the fridge...? when i left home: did i delete my history?
What to you call epileptic lettuce? Seizure salad.
Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry. Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Sometimes when I cum, I scream really loudly because people should knock before opening a bathroom stall.
What doesn't belong in this list? Wife, eggs, meat, blowjob. Blowjob doesn't belong. Why? Because you can beat your eggs, your meat, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob!
What do you call a drunk elf? Legless
What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. 
What do you call a nice guy with hemorrhoids? A stand up guy
What do Auschwitz, Treblinka, and Sobibor have in common? Tons of koffing spawns.
Simpsons TapOut/Awesome Best game out in long time. I'm so addicted to it that it seems to be a issue with my relationship. Lol!!!
[Maroon 4 meeting] Adam Levine: "Our band name sucks" Drummer that no one knows the name of: "let's think bigger" Adam: "I've got it"
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it's ok
My wife and I rented Black Hawk Down last night. Or, as Brian Williams likes to call it, the Brian Williams Story.
A G N B That's bang out of order.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
There are 10 kinds of people in this world Those who get binary, and those who don't.
I heard somewhere that... You only remember things that you read, is that true?
Why do Marlboro cigarettes have white filters in America, but yellow filters in Europe? So Keith Richards can tell which continent he's in.
Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.
Can a blind person please rub their hands over their dog's nipples and tell me what it says?
I like my women the way I like my wine... 9 years old and locked in my cellar.
Why was the marsupial wrongly convicted? He was tried in a kangaroo court.
I was banging a retarded girl last night... She didn't want me to finish in her mouth, so I shot my load on the window and let nature take its course.
If a woman with big boobs works at Hooters where does a woman with one leg work? IHOP
Cop: can u describe your attacker Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms Cop: u just described a seagull Me: he took my chips
I've been known to drive women crazy with my tongue. *never shuts the hell up*
Hey baby are you a unbalanced equation? Because I think I need more of U! Edit 1: Also sorry for the bad grammar in the title sadly I cannot change it...
What US State has the smallest soft drinks? Mini-Soda (Minnesota) Such a bad joke... :/
Did you hear about the mummy that reached the top 10 with his new album? People say it's cause he has the tightest wraps
A man walked into his house... A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
Why Was Tigger looking in the toilet?? ... He was looking for Pooh!
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
What happens when you give a cow a joint? The steaks are high
What do you call the boyfriend of a beheaded prositute? The headless whore's man
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4: Just Googled "Candy cane prison shank"
What do Mexicans say on their first day in America? Jose can you see, by the dawn's early light...
i was with my mother and i asked if i could go some where and no and i said, their are starving kids in africa she said I don't give a fuck give them a sandwich
What body part is most sensitive to a man while he is masturbating? His ears.
It only took me one drink to get drunk... I just can't remember if it was the seventh or the eighth (George Burns)
What does the sun skate on? Solarblades
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little faster or buy a belt. Thanks, homie.
Do not go golfing with Admiral Ackbar. All he does is obsess about the location of sand hazards.
We were driving past the graveyard and my dad asks: "Do you know why I can't be buried there?" "Why not?" "Because I'm not dead yet, Son."
If we could only get rid of the federal government this country could be a libertarian paradise like Somalia
There's an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
"You know what they say about blind prostitutes?" ..."You've really got to hand it to them." -Fred Willard
Food bank Im that poor i cant even get help from the food bank, they said I'm 2 tins of Tomatoes and a banana overdrawn.
How do you keep an idiot with RES busy? loading...
A termite walks into a bar... he walks up to the counter and asks "Is the bartender here?"
Elf: My favourite film is about the man who  casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That's called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!
A few disenfranchised primates got together to start a revolution.. ..they called it 'Gorilla Radio'..
[Dirty] Did you know pigeons die after they have sex? At least, the one I fucked did.
After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second the'
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said "I'll be back in 20 minutes". Nobody has bothered me since and I'm never taking it down.
What does the devil say to hell rejects? Why don't you fork off
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
How do you know a blonde has been on your PC There is typex all over the screen
Every time you make a typo the errorists win.
A tourist walks up to a woman in a bar Tourist: Hello, what's your name? Girl: Hi, I'm Erica. Tourist: I'm Jim, where are you from? Girl: America. Tourist: Yeah, but where are you from?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to? Deceased
Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if a guy is not a vampire.
Why do bad break-dancers get reduced prison sentences? Time served
What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil? Pre-tanned leather.
A chinese couple had a baby The baby turned out to be white. The father looked sternly at the mother and said: "Two Wongs don't make a white."
[7:30pm] Tonight I'll actually go to bed on time and get sleep! [2:30am] the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
In Hillary's defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don't expect anything in return.
What do you call a Chinaman that does everything given what other people do? Bayesian.
Why did a black bear fuck a white boy to death? The casting agent took the porn's title literally.
Cris Cyborg erupts after 'disrespectful' Joe Rogan jokes she has a penis After Rogan and Hinchcliffe suggested she had a penis.
A botched circumcision is a ripoff.
A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench... when a little boy, around 9 years old passes them by. "Wanna fuck him?" asks the priest. "Out of what?" the rabbi replies.
Going to open a new restaurant ... I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant... I am calling it Juan-Ton
Bee: I got a stinger bro! Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I'm late. Whats my special power? God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Bad news. I just held a test strip in my Twitter stream, and it turns out you're all pregnant.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds.
To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.
My girlfriend said, "We should make love like they do in the movies." So I shoved my dick in her ass and came on her face. She got upset. Apparently we watch different movies.
What's the difference between a dog? One of his legs is the same.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I'd go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Damn girl are you the gulf of mexico? Cuz I would drill that and make a mess
I was on a first date "How many women have you slept with?" she asked. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?" "Oh, I say! Go on then," she laughed. I said, "Zero"
ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
a guy's wife died so in her memory, every month, he takes half of his paycheck and throws in in the trash
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80's cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
"Change is never easy..." ~McDonalds employees
I never realized how many people I hated until I got a facebook
Always be yourself, unless you can be a giraffe. Then, be a giraffe.
Grandma: what's oversharing? Me: It's when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
You can reach 80 years Doctor: Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years. *But doctor, I am already 80!* You see - I told you to quit smoking.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I'm done drinking for good... Now I drink for Evil.
How can you avoid clickbait? Not like this.
I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down. I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories.
My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby's gotta be so fucking clean by now. Girls are weird.
Scientist found out... once shown the exit.
My kid's latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really... She was attacked by a giant crab.
Me: So you're an Atheist? Him: Yup! Me: So what year is it? Him: 2015 Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?
What do you call an environmental bicyclist? A recyclist.
I don't care about babies on flights, but people who don't travel often should have their own terminal.
What do you call a woman who wants lots of compensation? Sue.
Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don't fool me. Oh that's your bf. You still don't fool me.
I get so many panic attacks, that If I was a wrestler my signature move would be 'The Chest Clutch', where I get pinned as I grab my chest.
Statistics show.. that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gangbangs.
What was the Islamic Star Wars fan for Halloween? Hijabba the Hut
Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.
A SQL Query walks into a bar It Drops by a Group of Tables and asks, "can I Join you?"
A bunch of homeless people moved in at a local gyn They heard there was other people squatting there.
Boy: Dad Dad come out. My sister's fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads. Dad: No I'm not coming out. She's going to have to learn to look after herself.
Why Should You Never Marry A Tennis Player? Because love means nothing to them!
<--------- This guy can't think of anything to tweet so he's gone & done a cute little arrow & pointed it at his Avi with a funny comment.
What's the difference between a sandwich and a germanwings plane? When the sandwich drops I'm sad.
Don't leave me alone. Alone: I have a boyfriend.
One time in band camp... They threatened me with eternal torture. Oh wait that was Bible camp.
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too
I'd slap you but I'm pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble. I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions
Hey doofus, the fashion police called. Your father died last night on duty. He wanted you to have this. "Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? HEY FUCK YOU.
They say in New York somebody gets stabbed every 15 minutes, poor bastard.
So annoying when Mexican women at Walmart pretend they don't know where the cleaning supply aisle is.
What is it called when a Roman gets really sick? Chicken Pox Romana
The three things you should never say at a gay bar Fuck that shit! Can I bum a fag? Can I push your stool in?
What is brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.
"What's your favorite kind of music?" Asked one windmill to another. The windmill responds, "I'm a metal fan."
The sight of you makes me want an American Spirit I want to secede and isolate.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
What do you call a puppy with a camera? A furtographer
we need a cold and annoying genius type, who should we cast? [Benedict Cumberbatch claws at the office window] hmmm who to cast? [he meows]
Do you know any columbine jokes? I guess I'll give it a shot
Whats the best way to get gum out of your hair. cancer
I'm lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You'll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.
If I was an Oreo, how would you eat me? Wrong. It's a trick question. People can't be Oreos.
A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bar tender goes "Awesome, Where'd you get that?" The parrot replies "Africa, there's thousands of them there."
You mean there's another way to eat toast besides hunched over the sink like a fucking criminal??
Why does 0=1 COS(0)=1
What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay" Mom: *staring at dad Dad: *clenches fists Mom: "don't..." Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: ........ Dad: "HI GAY. I'M DAD"
"Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me." (*folds a fitted sheet*) "TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
A guy sees a woman walking her dog... Guy : Wow I didn't know you could walk a cow ! Woman : I'm sorry but this is a dog. Guy : Yes I know, I was talking to the dog.
Never trust an atom. Actually, it's probably fine. They only make up about 4% of everything.
People are always discriminating against me just because I have a penis Apparently it's offensive to keep it in a jar or some crap like that.
The Problem With New Jeans I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. "Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked. "Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."
What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole
I tried to use my Dictaphone today. But I ended up just using my finger like everyone else.
We were gonna give you money but thought you might prefer the limited buying power of a gift card. Don't spend it all in one place! lol jk
Blue Elephant How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a white elephant? Choke it until it becomes blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
I broke my finger last week On the other hand, i'm ok
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
If that baby didn't want to be aborted it should have pulled itself out by its bootstraps like a real American
Dinner-$25 Margarita-$8 Girls night out-$33 Yelling "Hey Sl@t" and watching 12 different girls turn around- Priceless
What is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini? You don't let your friends borrow your Lamborghini.
"I can't wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait...what the -" [U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".
I made a shitty voodoo doll, once... ...and all the limbs fell off. Worked out for me, though.
Why are gay men so well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing. Edit: (   )
I like my Presidents like I like my porn saved
I started a band called 999 megabytes 6 months ago. We still haven't got a single gig.
What do you say to an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah bless
My friend shaved her eyebrows and has been drawing them on. Lately, she's been drawing them too high. When I told her, she looked surprised.
A man wrapped in only saran wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office... ...the psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
C-sections are like the Digiorno of pregnancy..... It isn't delivery, but it still tastes like one.
What does it mean when you see a bunch of blacks running in one direction? Jail break.
How does one know if balls are ticklish? Test-Tickle.
Autocorrect changed "you flatter me" to "you flatten me" and shit just got really weird.
How many muscles does a chicken have in its neck? Just enough to hold it's pecker up...
How does the china man say "wrong"? he says "wong"
First comes the wedding And 5 months later comes the baby.
Why doesn't Mike Tyson play the Playstation? Because he's an Xboxer.
It makes sense to buy Automatic Cars, because they cost an arm and a leg.
I hate gaining ten pounds for a role And then realising I'm not an actor.
I have a cast iron fetish I guess you could say I'm pansexual
I just got done watching the Lego Movie with my daughter. The premise is so amazing... It makes me wonder why the Mega Blocks movie fell apart.
Netflix and Chill or ... Redtube and Lube 
Which one of these is a deadly virus? A. Bola B. Bola C. Bola D. Bola E. Bola
A roast beef walks into a bar... Bartender says "Hey! Get the hell out of here! We don't serve food here"
What do you call a story about a WW2 shipyard? A riveting tale.
What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls? There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?
Mr Bean bought a cow Do U Know Why Mr.BEAN Bought A Brown Cow??? 2 Get Chocolate Milk!!
Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon* "Yeah, it's easy." Wife: "I mean from the store." Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.
If you cloned yourself, and then you become attracted to yourself and ended up having sex with your clone...does that make you gay, or are you just on the forefront of masturbation technology?
Europe is in turmoil, but at least I've got some steady income despite the migrant crisis I own a florist around the corner from the French embassy
Voted class president. Assassinated.
What's a Jewish pyromaniac's favorite explosive? A Mazeltov Cocktail
My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o'clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
What do &lt;school name&gt; cheerleaders and a shotgun have in common? Give them 2 cocks and they'll blow.
The Counselor was talking to the campers about safety. She said 'Don't climb any trees. If you fall down and break a leg don't come running to me!'
Then God said, come fourth john, for you will have eternal life... But john came Fifth and won a free toaster
Went to the proctologist ... ended up with a ;
So an orca's prey tried to escape But his fate was sealed
What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement? A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.
Just as my teachers said, math has proven useful in my everyday life. For example, yesterday I dropped my keys into a toilet and made an integral out of wire.
Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning
My girlfriend never swears in public... But when we're talking dirty around the house she curses like a sailor, and it really turns me on. I guess it's true, women should be obscene but not heard.
Do hipster chicks wear sweatpants that say "DRY" on the butt?
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there's an 83% chance that my nephew just added  "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
A man is talking to his mate about his dog... Man: My dog loves Snow Patrol songs! His mate: Really? Man: Yeah, he loves Chasing Cars.
I walked into chemistry class... It was Boron
Did you hear that there's a new "Divorced Barbie"? Yeah - she comes with all of Ken's stuff.
What did the hat say to the hat rack? You stay here, I'll go on a head
I lost 80 pounds a while back... British prostitutes are expensive.
What is black on the bottom and white on top? Society.
A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"
The person who came up with the word "lisp" wath a real athhole
They say penis size is related to shoe size As if being raped by a clown isn't bad enough.
Ever heard of the band called 1023 Megabites? Of course not, they haven't had any gigs yet.
I used to be addicted to soap... I'm clean now.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I'm a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
What do you call 10 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
How do you kill a circus? You stab it in the juggler.
Ellie Goulding could really take her relationship to the next level... ... if she married Darth Vader (Don't know if I should be proud, but yes this is OC)
How do you know Bill Cosby raped the girl The proof is in the pudding
PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT. It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist
My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum
What do you get when you mix alcohol with literature? Tequila Mockingbird!
Father say to son "If you keep masturbating you'll go blind." Son replied "Dad, I'm over here."
If you're smoking weed on the way to Home Depot I can predict your future, in 2 hrs you're going back to Home Depot.
What did the lumberjack see? He saw a tree.
Poker is a game of pretending you've got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'
I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea. I think they would have preferred cash.
The biggest cause of paedophilia in the world today... ...sexy kids
Interviewer: what are your future plans? Me: lunch Interviewer: I meant long term plans Me: what, like dinner?
Which state does the most laundry? Washington.
if you give everyone easier access to guns then nobody will shoot anyone else because everyone has the guns and nobody will use them ever
My wife and I are into S&amp;M She sleeps and I masturbate :(
Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One gives you a weak hole and the other makes your whole week.
Just had a vegetarian meal with a nonalcoholic beverage at a restaurant whose produce are 80% locally grown. Feeling pretty smug.
What did George Washington say to his men on March 3rd Tomorrow we march forth
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn't already know that.
Did you hear about the guy who had five cocks? They say his pants fit like a glove.
Wife: Where'd you buy my gift? Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right? Me: Coupon? *wife faints*
I've never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.
Saw a "Don't Text and Drive" sign on my way into work today. Good thing I took a second to look up from my phone, otherwise I may have missed it.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I came online to watch porn and start arguements And I'm typing this with my left hand.
Who started the campfire website? Some bright spark.
"Oh wow, way better!" -Jedi Knight trying out a gun
How long is a battleship. True or false? Wong! How long is a China man.
I'm so hipster... I wear modern clothes before anybody in the future wears them as hipster fashion.
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just beat the room for being black
Why were the ants dancing on top of the jar of jam? It said "twist to open"
How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.
My friend kicked a mushroom today He's a fungi
What does a mathematics professor do when he is constipated? He works it out with a pencil.
A Muslim enters the United States Oh sorry thought it was still 2016.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one's ever going to visit her again
What did the angry Indian man say at the bakery? I'm having naan of it.
What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal? Check, mate.
Why did the one-eyed pirate run his ship aground? He didn't have any depth perception
I just found out the mods' password! [removed]
No I don't hate my boss. It's just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.
I wear a cape because I'm Super Broke
Asshole A man sees another man fucking a donkey. "Dude, what the fuck are you doing!! You are disgusting!" "Fucking Ass Hole"
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn't run in. I'll wait
First cannibal: Am I late for dinner? Second cannibal: Yes. Everyone's eaten.
Whatever happened to the Bob the Builder kids show? Handy Manny took his job.
Pick something up. You just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet. Earth, do you even lift?
My wife started her job on a cruise ship last week. My mate asked, "How's she getting on?" I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane."
Okay, I'm lost... Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???
What do you call a gynecologist? Lip Reader
I put some condoms down at the till and the cashier smiled. "Getting lucky tonight?" she asked. I said, "If I'm really getting lucky, I won't be needing them."
Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park ? They woke him up.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please Get Out The Pool"
I'm an archaeologist... My life is in ruins.
The fish's guitar sounded terrible. He must've forgotten his tuna.
Whats the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme
What's a holocaust denier's favorite month? July
sorry 4 rant, I heard a guy say "millennials all do fake social media jobs"& was like buddy ur postgrad data entry gig is done by robots now
In Hollywood, an actor and his crew shot a pilot They could all be facing at least six months in jail.
Fantasy football is great, you can just imagine whatever you want. Dracula just tackled Harry Potter.
What do you get when you sit on a potato? A potato wedge! (I made this up when I was 9)
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing they are both stuck up bitches.
My boyfriend is so bad at tongue-twisters, he can't even say "I love you" ONE times fast!!
I'm kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
Pregnancy is like a black ops mission They're both expensive to abort.
Why did the letter D kill all the Jews He's a not C.
My doctor says that I'm unstable and that I should get a lobotomy... Fuck him, first thing in the morning I'm gonna march right in there and give him a piece of my mind!
Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants. Whoa! Dude! Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??
What is white and streaks across the sky at blinding speeds? The coming of the lord
Hollywood hasn't remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they're okay.
What's Dave's favorite music genre? Meta.
My mind has been wandering so long, we're pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.
Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.
A customer asked me for a good reliable printer...
Local humor How can you tell a chemist from a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
Life is like a box of chocolates... No one likes the dark ones, and the more white the others are, the richer they get.
Police jokes are not funny So give it arrest
I win all games of strip-poker by starting out nude.
In our football match today the opposition hit the bar three times in the first half. I know we're not very good but they could have at least waited until the end to celebrate.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."
Nintendo just announced the first haunted tower for Pokemon GO The New World Trade Center
Potato is like Soviet rape. Not come everyday, but fill you up when is come.
Funny Meat Jeffrey sat at the dinner table eating with his mother, when she turned to him and said, " this meat tastes kinda funny." He replied, " Sorry mother, I ran into a clown today."
Guys one of the Greek Gods is trying to destroy 80s music! H80s
You can't make racist jokes No-one likes dark humour
Hi everyone, are you all alright? No, you are all al-left.
I don't think I'll beheading to the Middle East any time soon.
How do you know when you're too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener
It's OK to go number 1 in the shower... ...unless you count like a computer programmer.
So its pancake Tuesday today That surely crepe'd up on us
I just ate a family... ...sized kraft Mac n cheese and now I'm too full to get drunk by myself tonight.
What do you get when you mix a bush and a motorcycle? A hedgehog
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the first one that had a dream got shot.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house can't jump at all
TIL that when a teacher is unable to make it to class, they will temporarily hire a... Oh wait, wrong sub.
I ordered a new joke in the mail... It's pretty funny, but I haven't quite gotten the delivery yet
What do you get when you mix a prostitute and a midget? A little fuck
What do you buy a recently neutered cat? Spay Roses.
I've just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented "rip". Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Did you hear about the atom that was caught stealing electrons? He was arrested and charged. ...this is the stuff I come up with while procrastinating studying for finals.
What mysterious hair product does Lucifer use to keep himself looking good? Arcane-gel!
Where do geographers go for a drink? The Isobar
Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road? because it was stuck in a crack
Did You Hear About My Friend? His whole left side was cut off... He's alright now.
Pro Tip - If a hot sexy female sends you a friend request on facebook.. REJECT HIM.
What is Reddits favorite country? Chi-LE!!!!!!!!!! My girlfriend came up with that one hope u guys love it as much as I do!!!!! :)
What happened when the cannibal crossed the Atlantic on the QE2? He told the waiter to take the menu away and bring him the passenger list!
What was built after the Indian sandwich maker's shop burned down? A New Delhi
Petting my dog with a spatula cause I'm too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer Why is there a spatula in my room?
What was the favorite chicken dish of Hitler? The SwasTikka
Trying to think of something fun to do with the kids so I can Instagram it & look like a great dad.
I made a new joke. I made a new word. Plagiarism.
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon at? Tennish.
Sing to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"... Helen Keller went to town, A-ridin' on a pony, Stuck a feather in her hat and called it "Hunngunnggunufffungg"
Like I was telling my friends, my wife walked into a door. and that pissed me off so I hit her.
Maybe it's just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2.
Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed? So he wouldn't talk in his sleep
What does an angry chicken say? Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuckawwwf.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today *cut to me oiling up tropical trees* haha excellent
Why did the chickens cross the border? Because they were Turkish.
Knock knock Who's there? I smell a map. I smell a map who? Gross.
At this point, the most shocking outfit Lady Gaga could wear is a t-shirt and jeans.
Blasphemous jokes http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/ubv1y/whats_the_best_religious_or_antireligious_joke/ Yes, it is in /r/atheism, but there are some really good ones in there
What do a bunch of celebrity nudes have in common with a stiff breeze? They both can cause reddit's servers to crash.
TIL DNA was supposed to be a line But things spiraled of control
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know y.
Do you know who I saw yesterday? Everyone I looked at
My friend got fired from his banking job... because he lost interest.
Why are there whiteboards standing out in each class in school? Because they are remarkable!
She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
Fuuuuck yeah! (shakes pill bottle) Tonight we gonna get completely, totally... (reads label) Antifungal
Do these pants make my butt look fat? No, but those glasses do.
I know I should be searching for my missing friend, but there's a lot of food in his apartment that'll spoil if I don't eat it.
I am My Own Boss Today i was in an auto when auto driver said: "I love this job... I am my own boss, Nobody tells me what to do.." Then i replied ""Tern the left"
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Do you know why Santa only work on the 25th of December? Because he knows where all the bad girls are...(sorry)
Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I've had a terrible accident! Doctor: The restrooms are down the hall on the left.
I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder? Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.
I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don't stand in them or walk in them.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon* Moon: delete it
What do monkeys drink in space? Orangu-Tang.
People are mad because MTV doesn't show music videos. What about Fox News? They haven't shown a fox in months. (Craig Ferguson)
What do you call an aardvark that's just won  a fight? A well 'aardvark!
What do you get when you put human DNA into a donkey? North West.
Mission Impossible Six announced. Will be their hardest mission yet... Getting a job in this economy.
What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? The position of the dirtbag.
I like my coffee how i like my women, Without a dick.
What do you call a midget fortune teller who kills his customers? A small medium at large.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What's the difference between rubber balls and steel balls? Caitlyn Jenner doesn't like to steel balls before she comes
I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
What is the similarity between a porn-actress and Jesus? They're both getting nailed.
A dyslexic man walks into a bar And yells "Hands up mother fuckers! This is a stick up!"
Why was Helen Keller a terrible driver? Because she was a woman
What was Roe v. Wade really about? The fastest way to get across a river.
A gymnast walks into a bar. She is promptly deducted five points
What's the most important part about a joke timing...
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I'm thinking about starting a feminist group. It's called Ovary-Action.
I love going climbing with my friends... They never fail to let me down.
Your tweet is funny. You didn't hear that short, little exhale through my nose?
A News Reporter just described someone as "Healthy as a Bus". Yeah....I don't know either.
Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is  around? Because time will tell.
What's a pedophile's favorite kind of shoe? White Vans...
The person who proofread all of Hitler's speeches Was a Grammar Nazi (   )
People who say "adorbs" make me miserbs
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know y.
Backache Darren This is a joke I wrote before I discovered reddit. I shall link to it thusly: http://vulpes-aurum.deviantart.com/art/Backache-Darren-149248532
What club cancels their meeting everytime? The vegan club
My pet anteater just ate my dad's sister! Turns out it was an aunteater...
A man walks into a bar... While his wife sits at home crying, because his crippling alcoholism is destroying their marriage. Happy Wednesday...
What's the similarity between smoking a cigarette and eating pussy? The taste changes the closer you get to the butt.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour] O: and here's the toaster, it tends to stick so don't be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket... You can't have it both ways mate
I turned into a cat earlier. Don't ask meow.
Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison
So when I went to buy my new phone, the Extravert, I asked if there was an Introvert... and they handed me a book.
Ever wonder why children tend to ignore their parents who underwent a sex change op? It's because they are trans-parent.
Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.
Why don't terrorists shop at Walmart? They prefer a Target.
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common? A: They're both filled with stiffs one's coming one's going.
Why are Muslim men allowed 4 wives? Because "Islam gives women equal rights!"
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
A man has three testicles. He goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have one more testicle than you." The doctor replies, "Really? You have eight?"
Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved... The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.
I just found out I had sex with a monkey in a previous life You cant blame me though because it was really long ago, and I was the first Human that wasnt fully a monkey myself.
How do you blow up a Muslim's phone? Put it into airplane mode
What do you call a sterile fruit? A cantaloupe.
Where is this joke from. I heard he's so tough/,badass that he killed 2 guys with 1 bullet... no gun.
What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad? "Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter"
Have you heard the joke about Whole Foods? It was so bad it made me sustainably groan.
*takes personality test* *fails*
We started a band... We're called the 999 mega bytes. Haven't got a gig yet.
*passive aggressively cuts your birthday cake asymmetrically*
Donald Trump We all need a good laugh in this day and age. Here's to you!
Oh, so you wanna argue? BRING IT, I GOT MY CAPS LOCK ON !
The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.
How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months.
Can a ninja kill someone from a distance? Shuriken!
Gay men are fucking assholes
Panicked when I saw "Godzilla" was trending, until I found out there's a movie.
No, please don't feel like you need to use your turn signal. I understand how difficult it can be to slightly move one finger.
A Black Man, Arab, priest, Jew, gay and a couple of disabled children walk into pub. Bartender says... "This is just too much. I don't wan't to be part of this joke" And he walks out.
"Is Pepsi OK?" - World's worst drug dealer
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
How many members of Linkin Park does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, cuz in the end it doesn't even matter!!!
[AMA Request] Floyd Mayweather Oh wait never mind he can't read.
Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting! Doug: um, I don't know Kung f-- Carl: except for Doug from accounting
What is the difference between a feminist and a walrus? A walrus has at least two valid points.
What does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders? The Prostate exam isn't going he way you expected
Why did they stop serving beer at Miami Marlins games? They didn't have enough pitchers.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife? On a blind date
A horse walks into a bar and says, "On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?" The bartender says, "Y, the long face."
What did Kurtis Blow tell his son when teaching him how to drive? THESE are the brakes!
The only "B" word you should call women is beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful.
Did you hear about Bruce Jenner? Hes the first athlete to go from the Wheaties box to the Froot Loops box
[robbery in progress in the store I'm at] *quickly remembers training from karate school* *bows to robber* *is kicked in head so hard*
[please enter a password] ilovedogs [password must contain at least one capital] iloveparisdogs
My girlfriend told my to stop singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe
An ion walked up to Lost and Found and reported that he had lost an electron. The clerk asked:are you sure? The ion replied :Yes, I am positive.VCN
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.
omg this fire truck is being such an attention whore right now
What did the banana say to the vibrator? "What are you shakin' for? Shes gonna eat me."
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
What did the Jihad name his concession stand? "Allahu Snackbar!"
An American &amp; Mexican are talking. American: "Your Government needs to spy on your people, man. You guys have a drug problem." Mexican: "What drug problem? We get drugs pretty easily!"
My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I sent it to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man  listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
How British is Adele ? She would call you at least 1000 times to tell how sorry she is .
Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed.
(OC dad joke) What do you call a goat on a small mountain? A hillbilly
I like my coffee like I like my racist jokes... Made by someone else.
A terrorist walks into a Christmas party Just kidding. He drove.
My favourite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
I feel sorry for people who sell magazines. Seems like they got a lot of issues.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.
What's the difference between two dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
Did you know hippos kill more people than sharks every year? No one has ever seen a hippo kill a shark.
What's the best think about leaving California? No more Mexican food and anal sex on Tuesdays.
Knock knock (Me -Knock knock) (You-Whos there) (Me-Dew) (You-Drew who) (Me-Drew pecock) Say it fast ^
I bought a lamp stand from Ikea... the assistant asked me was I planning on putting it up myself. "You dirty bastard" I said, "It's going in the living room"
Why did the frat boy throw away his curtains? He was trying to get some Natural Light.
What's the difference between a cowardly sex offender and your job? Your job will always suck
They called it Twitter because Everybody Poops was taken.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.
If ifs & buts were candy & nuts, the first part of this sentence would read "Candy candies & nuts were candy & nuts." ...Confusing, right?
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank coffee before it was cool.
Equality. Why is it that a girl with big boobs can work at hooters, but a guy with one leg can't work at I-HOP?
Why is the lineup at the electronic store never straight? BenQ
whats 9+10 21 lol
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference? Me: Not if you're considering me for the job.
What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion? They're both ready to eat you
I'm less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Wanna hear something really disappointing? Too bad.
Why are they called One Direction? Looks to me like they go both ways.
Just had to gently break it to all these girls in Starbucks that they are not Zooey Deschanel.
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but you need a fairly big lightbulb.
My wife is so weird She starts every conversation with *"were you even listening to me? "*
Dear waiter, You messed up my order because you didn't write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip. Love, David
My daughter is making a documentary on the invention of the telephone, for a school project. I remember the time I did that, in middle school. Rings A Bell.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves!! just kidding....I don't know what he got....he hasn't opened it yet
NSFW:Guy's should hold on to their memories. Guy's should hold on to their memories. Stupid Auto Correct: I meant mammaries.
How many irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, One to hold the light and, one to drink until the room starts spinning!
*gets several new followers on Sunday *adds Jesus to resume
I tried to take up juggling... But I just didn't have the balls... I'm not even sorry
What's Donald Trumps favourite album? The Wall.
Relationship Status: My dog was just licking my ear. I didn't stop her.
Disappointed to learn that landlady' isn't the opposite of a mermaid.
Have you heard of the band 1023 MB? Have you? No? Probably because they don't have any GIGS!
What is the difference between falling from the 2nd floor and the 20th floor? The 2nd floor: (SPLAT) AAAAAaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhh...... The 20th floor: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! (SPLAT)
Two men walk into a bar.. The first man says I'll have an H20 The second man says I'll have an H20 too, the second man dies.
Have you met the one-breasted Queen of the Jungle Retailers? they call her... Amazon Prime
Guess what my lonesome self and my right hand did for Valentines day. Sign Valentines cards for my relatives.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Nebraska bill allows K - 12 teachers to carry guns to school. In their defense, it is really hard to get a 9 year old to shut the fuck up.
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta... Yuk yuk yuk
I asked my friend if he ever went skiing. . . "Not in real life, only in Florida." 
Why did the alligator wear a vest? He was an investigator!
George Michael has been accused of organ trafficking It turns out Last Christmas, someone gave him their heart
Yo mama so fat... You have to yell OMNIKIN before you kick her.
What does a door and a jar have in common? They both are ajar.
A Greek and a Italian are having a beer. The Greek Says "You know, we invented sex." Then the Italian turn's and looks at him. "Well we brought women into it."
What do poor people drink? Pover-tea.
"Oh, did I ever tell you about the time I bounced a check for my girlfriend's abortion? They had to put the baby back in. And that baby... ...was Shia LaBeouf." -Klaus, American Dad
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
[inventing dialup internet] What should it sound like when it's connecting? [guy in the back stands up confidently] Pterodactyls
UK: Hey u ok USA: What UK: I saw what happened USA: Im fine, nothing happened Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can't stay over
Do You Want to Play a Game Buddy? http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/wanna-play-the-rape-game.jpg
Why should you always bring 2 pair of trousers when golfing? In case you get a hole in one.
What is a Golden retriever's favorite sex position? It doesn't really matter, as long as its ruff.
how big is Jared fogel's sex drive? bout 5.6TB
Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing coming from a parked van. But, when they looked, it was just a kid napping.
*died in your arms tonight* *stuffed in your trunk tomorrow* *buried in the woods the day after that*
Was my French teacher into golden showers? Oui. Courtesy of Stewart Francis.
6, that's SIX, people emailed everyone at work with the SAME information which has resulted in 48 replies and now I wanna quit my job.
[Confession] "I killed a man" "Wait what" "Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?"
No one plans to fail. They just go online. Then check their e-mail. Then go to twitter...and it just happens organically.
What type of candy bar does Snake eat? Snake-kers (Snickers)
Helen Keller just found out about LSD. She thinks it'll make her see things.
I've recently decided to freeze myself to -273oC. My wife thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0 K.
The crowd at this bar is so young someone just got slimed.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they're into sports. *meets someone who's really into politics* Wow, I wish I was dead.
I yell "5 second rule"when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Chicks can only stay at their boyfriend's place for about 3 days, then they finally need to go home and use the toilet.
What do Sting and a prostitute have in common? They both stop sucking when the police show up.
I don't know what the next iPhone looks like... But what I can tell you, its going to be a big 6S
When I think about you, I touch myself. In the face. With my fist.
If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.
Why did the two chicken crossed the road? Because The Hound wanted to eat both of them.
A group of actors performed an on stage reading of the Oxford dictionary. The audience wasn't too enthralled with a play on words.
What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam? A sister-in-law
This is my first joke I am posting, here goes nothing
*walks up to dealer* I would like 3 weeds please "Are you a cop?" No I love crime and tomfoolery "..." Could I also get a bushel of cocaine?
Why don't midgets like barbecues? because the steaks are too high.
If your name is spelled Duhniayle, don't hate me when I mispronounce it. Hate your parents & their ridiculous spelling decisions.
Nuns really stick to the rules. They have quite the habit.
If I ever go missing... I would like my photo but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know where to look for me.
What's the best part about living in Indiana? All the corny jokes.
So the woman sitting next to me on a plane with an infant in her lap looks over to me and asks, "do you mind if I breast feed?" And I respond, "no thanks I already ate." Too harsh of a dad joke?
What do you call it when you kill a queen bee? Pesticide.
A Dirty Limerick (NSFW) There once was a girl named Betty, That said that she loved confetti, So I shot my man-goo, Through a fan where it blew, And sprayed her white as a yeti
How do Communists achieve a revolution every single year? They planet!
What is the difference between a Texan and a redneck? Texans tend to ride horses whereas rednecks ride their cousins. -American Sniper
How do you kill 100 flies in A second? (Dark humor) You slap an Ethiopian in the face.
Why are Michael J. Fox's milkshakes the best? He uses the best ingredients Stay classy ;)
Have you heard that joke they don't tell gays?
What do Muslims eat for Thanksgiving? Quran-berries!
Well at least the world isn't spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Want to hear a joke about ebola? You probably won't get it.
Whats the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? Twitter only allows 160 characters
What happened to the gay wizard? He vanished with a puff!
I Was Going To Write A Theater Piece On Puns.... ...but then I realized it would just be a play on words.
Reddit admins once ate a whole Pizza Hut.
Americans are getting stronger. Fifty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
What punch line is sure to get upvotes no matter how many times it gets posted? "I don't know I just fly the drone"
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
What do you call a fast food joint that caters specifically to muslims? Allahuh Snackbar
I've just been sentenced to 6 months in prism It'll give me a chance to reflect
friendzone how many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily? PATIENT: no DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!
She pays in all ones because her father taught to always ask for small bills. Her father was a bank robber.
It's so annoying when you're trying to poison someone but they're just not thirsty :(
My grandma started dying in the living room Well, I guess it isn't the living room anymore.
Knock Knock... *Who's there?* nine-eleven... *nine-eleven who?* **You said you'd never forget!** edit: i accidentally wrote it incorrectly; my sincerest apologies.
What's the difference between 8:45 am and 10:45 am? Around 3000 people
What do you do when you see and Mexican on a bike? Shoot him he probably stole that bike. What do you do when you see a black man on a bike? Shoot the bike, that's your nigger.
What is a white supremacist's favorite dessert? Cake Cake Cake
Why is Lamar Odom so much fun...? Because, he's just dying to party.
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed. "No," I said, "I'm their coach."
Squirrels are like cigarettes. They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire.
I organised a tantra party. Nobody came.
Why is Hel great in bed? Because she can *switch stances* (   )
Overweight people know they're overweight, tall people know they're tall, why is it that stupid people don't know what they are?
What's the similarity between the unborn Chinese female and this joke? [removed]
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF] "Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he'd get a new family"
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream "Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!"
Why can't priests have children? Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it didn't want to get stuck in any cracks.
To the guy that invented the number "zero"... thanks for nothing.
15 is the age where you either look 11 or like 25
My teen thought it'd be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My kid throwing her toast out the car window was more badass than anything I've done in the last 10 years.
Is it racist that I've been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she's actually 5 white chicks?...
My highschool bully still takes my lunch money... But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
Madonna falling was wrong on so many levels. Well 2, the stage and the floor.
Reddit. Now a tool for the NSA.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Haloumi!
Why did the semen cross the road? I put in the wrong socks this morning.
How do Mexicans line up? Juan by Juan
I said "I'm not going to repeat myself"
You're not going to believe this CLICK BAITED SUCKAHS
I learned what 'bukake' was last week... ...and boy, was my face white!
Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000 Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.
Where is a tornado put in jail to be punished?  -In a high pressure cell
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?" The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren't a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi. Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A guy accidentally opens the bathroom door as a girl was taking a shower, he tries to say sorry but the girl interrups him: -Shh bby is ok
A Jewish man walks into a cafe in Canada and asks the waiter if they have any Canadian Jews "I'm sorry," the waiter replied. "We only have orange!"
So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview. Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's talent?
My Ex-Girlfriend is Like a Box of Chocolates She'll kill your dog.
Did you know lesbians almost never cook for themselves? They prefer eating out.
My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.
I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don't really wanna hear about your 'summer' house.
Dad Dragon: If we weren't supposed to eat them they wouldn't come w plates and toothpicks now finish ur damn knight Teen Dragon: I hate you
When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.
Waiter what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder! I don't know - friendly thing isn't he !
A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present so santa send him a sumo wrestler
A man drowned this morning eating a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled him under.
Riding in the car with a chiropractor... ... when he clearly takes the wrong exit. I ask why and he says... "I'm not driving us under there! You wanna get carpool tunnel syndrome!?"
if you're hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Two blondes walk into a building... You thought they would have seen it.
Have you seen the movie "Constipation"? That's because it hasn't come out.
HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.
What did Hitler say when he rose to power? Give me all Germany. (Ger-money) Yeah I'm sorry. On my way out.
A Serious Issue Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.
How Britons shower. The same as you, dummy. First, we get nice and wet. Then we get the tea.
ME: What's your favorite movie? DATE: Girl Interupt- ME: *drops fork* What is it? DATE: Girl Interu- ME: *burps* Sorry. Go on. DATE: Fargo
What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat
What the difference between a pancake? It tastes better with jam.
Children are like STD's you try hard not to get once you get them your life is ruined, your stuck with them and their a huge pain in the ass
I set up a camera to record my wife for our sex tape I didn't realize it was motion activated so it didn't record a thing.
Musicians are perverts. The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.
I used to date a girl with eczema She had cracking tits
What is Hitler's least favourite Christmas song? All I Want From Christmas Is Jew
I was trying to get my PC to run faster... So I painted it black but now it won't turn on
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning...
So it's okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up. But when I do it, I'm "antisocial". I call bullshit.
25 more pounds to lose and I'll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Balloon ! Balloon who ? Balloon velvet !
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant. Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole- Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
The Purge: American Cops For just 365 nights a year, murder is legal!
A father and son go fishing... Son: Dad, what do we do first? Father: We get this clickbait here and we throw it into the ocean. Son: Then what happens? Father: What happens next will shock you.
A man took an airline to court because his luggage was stolen. Unfortunately, he lost his case.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer The first cannibal asks "Does it taste funny?" The second cannibal turns around and says "nope."
Today I was asked to model for a stone sculpture Life is wild guys don't take anything for granite
Gene Simmons is giving tongue to a Hamas tunnel. His tongue is so long it comes out at the other end of the tunnel.
whats the most uncomfortable thing about a prostate exam? When you ask the doctor where to put your pants and his reply is right next to mine.
I like my women like I like my coffee Black, bitter, and preferably fair trade
An atheistic dyslexic... Believes there is no Dog.
what did the cemetery dude say when he buried the wrong guy? i made a grave mistake
Roses Rose are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic And so am I
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom ... because the "p" is silent
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I saw a sheep give birth today All I could say was "ewe" (I know this joke is probably overused but I'm currently on a Bill Nye the Science Guy nostalgia trip right now so fuck the haters.)
"Seamstress, you come pleat me." -Pants
the road to Failure is paved with Doritos.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it's the saddest tiny rodeo you've ever seen.
According to the bank clerk, the robber was most likely to be a redditor... ...He seems to have screamed "Thanks for the gold, kind strangers!" as he ran away with the money.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Felippe Feloppe ... wah wah
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? The Wall was their last big hit. (ripped off a dark jokes thread a while back)
Q: What did Snow White say when she dropped off her film? A: "Some day my prints will come."
What did the Englishman call the hilarious Slav? Top Vlad.
My brother is so poor... ...He had to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.
Scots vs English Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Cause sheep can hear a zipper at 50 yards. Why do the English wear trousers? Cause goats are deaf.
Why are the undead so angry all the time? They have mummy issues.
Why was the garbage man arrested? Because he was bin laden.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS 'WIFEY MATERIAL'! WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
All the refugees at the Olympics are competing in Track &amp; Field. I guess the ones that weren't good at running didn't make it.
Did you know if you beat up a monk then he's no longer vegetarian? He becomes a *sore-sage*.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah... When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
i forgot the word "whirlpool" so i had to search the internet for "drain tornadoes"
It's orange, it says it's an orange, but it's not an orange. What is it? A tangerine with a big mouth.
When my doctor gives me a prostate exam I like to moan "Mmmm, deeper." Freaks him out, but not as much as when I try to cuddle afterward.
I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life creating wacky sci-fi inventions... The time machine alone set me back 15 years.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles *It's a verbal joke.*
Fishing There is a fine line between fishing, and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot
What is the cat's favourite TV show ? The evening mews !
There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So there we go.
I heard women love a man in uniform. Can't wait to start working at McDonalds.
Why wasn't Sean Connery standing? He had to shit.
Why did the basement want to be a high rise? It was a motivated cellar. :|
They say Gay marriage will ruin the fabric of society... ...which is ridiculous, a gay man would never ruin fabric.
Just once, I'd ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I'm driving, especially considering I've had 12 beers.
I read my wife's diarrhea She thinks I have dyslexia!
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot you racist.
What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music? One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.
Our breakfast is GEGS. Scrambled EGGS
My uncle was an unusual man. Prosthetic legs, real feet. This is Steve Wright's joke, not mine
My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder. But he's wrong, so fuck him!
Where do David Cameron and his party meet? In the Conservatory!
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I'm pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.
Born free, taxed to death.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
What do you call it when a pastry kills another pastry? Game of Scones.
If we have sex in the dark, there's a 50% chance that I'll put it in the wrong hole and a 100% chance that I did it on purpose.
What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas? A ghoul Yule!
What do they call the doctor who released private health information after he got mad at his being given away? A Hipaacrite
Dear Hollywood, after all the 3D movies, I've decided my 3 favorite dimensions are: 1) width, 2) height, and 3) character development.
Why did the Addams have the late man arrested? He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday.
Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few of them know how to dance.
[Drive-thru] CRONUS: Yes- I'll have the bucket of popcorn children Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir? CRONUS: omg what did I say
My bf just asked me "what do you call it when you get water sprayed up your butt to clean it, again?" Me "...foreplay"
I woke up this morning wearing a red fuzzy wig, giant oversized shoes and a red nose. I think I must have slept funny.
Unlike many guys, I don't try to get into a lady's pants... ...mostly because they won't fit me, but also because they lack usable pockets. What's up with that aspect of fashion design, anyway?
BREAKING NEWS: BLIND MAN HAS BEEN SHOT He didn't even see it coming.
Why didn't the mother splinter call her son on his birth-day? Because he's a little prick!
How fast can Klingon's run? About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.
I was at the Natural History Museum and I saw the Neanderthal exhibit. Those guys were buff studs. no homo
A dark sense of humor is like a Make-A-Wish child, never gets old.
What do they call the Hunger Games in Japan? Battle Royale with cheese
You know you're an ugly c*nt when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.
Tell your mom to stop using different colored lipstick... My dick is starting to look like a rainbow
Thanks for shopping! Would you like to donate $1 to cancer research or are you a giant monster?
Why are so many people in San Francisco homeless? They can't afford an apartment because they only make 50 grand per year.
These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It's a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.
Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.
We're pretty competitive My brother and I sometimes laugh on how competitive we can be, but I laugh more!
Yo mommas so black she has been marked absent at night school.
So a guy walks into Walgreen's. He asks the druggist for a bottle of Viagra. Druggist says, "Do you have a prescription?" Guy says, "No, but I have a picture of the wife."
Karma points do not reflect your self worth Now gimme my karma points!
How do you know you're not logged into reddit? There are /r/atheism posts on the frontpage
Lame Joke I was going to post an old joke, but then I realised that most of you had already reddit.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can't tweet it again because it's already been stolen
Some crazy Spanish lady just killed a passenger simply because of the way he chose to travel... It was a loco motive.
Why are cliffhangers always hated?
Jokes on her! I LIKE sleeping on the couch.
Why do Vampires hate Writers? Because they hate Type O's
"Use a spongebob quote to describe your sex life" "Are you ready kids?"
"When it rains, it pours." -Shitty weatherman
What's the difference between a snowman and snow woman? Snowballs
Hitman: Hey what's up Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
My marriage is a mess and I'm in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that's what keeps me going.
What do you say to a grammar nazi who just got their left side cut off? Their, they're, there. You'll be all right.
I remember the first time I had sex, I put the condom on the wrong way round. The girl looked and me and said, "You're so stupid" I said, "What?" "You're supposed to do that before sex." she replied.
Why do Mexicans have so many babies? Because they're too poor to afford condoms.
Friend of mine was shot at the bakery today, he is expected to make a full recovery. They say he was lucky it just glazed him, donut who did it but the cops are there.
What do you get when you go to a concert in Paris? Shot.
A black woman has 5 children, all named Tyrone. How does she tell them apart? Their last names.
What did the cannibal get when he showed up late to the luncheon? The cold shoulder.
My sense of humor is so dark... ... one of these days it's going to get shot by the police.
"Normal people" are the most fucked up people you will ever meet.
What's the Square Root of 69? Ate something.
Whats the difference between a rooster and a gay surfer? A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo.". A surfer says, "Dude, a Cock will do.".
What does the blind say when he walks past the fish market? Hello ladies.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I'd love to hear a Michael Buble version of Monster Mash.
People in Sweden keep telling me how great it is living there... But I think it's just Stockholm Syndrome.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cricket ! Cricket who ? Cricket neck means I can't lift anything !
Oh ..your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?:-)
My neighbors are organizing something called a "fun run". This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Dude I'm Colin Kapernick and I'm black. Dude you're not even brown. You look like Matthew Perry. -Harold and Kumar
My friend's new girlfriend A buddy of mine was telling me about his new girlfriend, particularly that she likes to bake Italian bread and plays on a baseball team. I asked, "Ciabatta?"
What was the vacant lot's favorite Spoon song? Don't Make Me A Target
Knock Knock Who's there ! A Fred ! A Fred who ? Who's a Fred of the Big Bad Wolf ?
Japan Q : What do people in Japan call fat people ? A: "Double Buddha"
According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever..... ....that was a tough postcard to read!
What's the worst part about eating your vegetables? Putting them back in the wheel chair.
How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers.
School Meals by R. E. Volting
What is the internal temperature of a taun taun? Luke warm!
A relationship is like a fart If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bug ! Bug who ? Bug Rodgers !
Can't decide if I'm feeling jacked, pumped, or amped. Might just be constipated.
Hell is filled with news anchors tapping stacks of papers on desks and engaging in lighthearted end-of-broadcast banter.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Joke from my grandpa I once met a girl who had a boob on her back. She wasn't much to look at, but she sure was fun to dance with!
"Did you check your pockets?" - kangaroo who's lost a child
How much does the economist-turned-prostitute charge for a blowjob? $200, possibly more if you account for inflation.
What do you call a dog riding in a submarine? A subwoofer.
What do you call a jewish black man? Hanigga
i don't always watch soft core porn, but when i do i watch XX. stay horny my friends.
People think I'm a good listener but I'm really just solid at nodding
Chicken Why did the chicken go to the car dealership? -- she wanted to trade the coop for a sedan..
What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth? ... a soviet
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me CRUCIO!
Sometimes I'll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don't want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Why do Native Americans hate April showers? Because they bring Mayflowers
How many sides does a pentagon have? Jet fuel can't melt steel beams.
What did Serena say to Venus before they faced off in the US Open? In tennis, love means nothing.
How was copper wire invented? Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny
World renowned cartoonist found dead in their home!! At the moment, details are sketchy...
How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb? One but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
Graphene can do everything... Except leave the lab. :)
Have no friends? Tell a girl you love her. Do this over and over and soon you'll have many friends! :D
What Reddit taught me... If I'm doing that too much, I should do it again after 51 seconds.
Jokes about German Sausages are the wurst...
Why did the black chicken cross the road? It was being chased by the kluck kluck klan
Sex is like Math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don't Multiply!
Jewish pedophile what did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid walking down the street? Hey kid wanna buy some candy?
...we came in" Roger Waters favourite line is "Is this where...
E-incense to mask e-joint e-odor.
yo mama's teeth so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings "i got sunshine on a cloudy day".....
Necrophilia Beer: "Sit back and crack open a cold one."
A snowman and a snow-woman had a child... ...it had its mother's ice.
why did sally fall off the swings she pooped herself
Fat people save more water compared to everyone else... because they only need one cup off water to fill a bath.
Wife: "I've made the chicken soup" "Thank god for that. I thought we had to eat it!"
What did Helen Keller's mom say would happen if she didn't stop fingering herself? She'd start talking dirty.
What's a pirates favourite letter? Ye think it be the R, but 'tis the C.
Tom Swifty "My mom is my dad!" Said Tom transparently.
Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Knock knock. Who's there? Soup. Soup who? Souperman!
Kill the crackers...kill them all Old Man Ritz
I tink Therefore I am Irish.
How do you stop the Polish army on horseback? Unplug the merry-go-round.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he's done with the place.
/r/jokes is like a beginner's fencing class. Lots of unwanted riposte.
What do you call something that swims, is big and has 4 legs? A whale with a table taped to it.
What's blue and fucks grannies? Hypothermia.
Great way to end a phone conversation: Yell "OH FUCK, METEOR!", then hang up really hard.
I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined. I literally can't buy shit.
Your mom is temporarily in read-only mode due to heavy traffic. The joke is Reddit's servers. Get it together!
I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin' annoying.
"Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one."
Three things that are certain in life~ 1) Death 2) Paying taxes 3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ....
If I had a nickel for every hot woman at Ross I saw... I'd forget about all the money I made because I fucked them all.
How to lose weight - Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight? - Just move your head from left to right and from right to left. - How many times , doctor ? - Every time someone offers you food.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a martini. The bartender asks "olive 'er twist?"
What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!
Mazda's marketing slogan is "We Build Mazdas." They decided on it after rejecting others like: "Mazdas Are Cars" and "Buy Mazdas With Money"
It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I'd rather people think of me as successfully challenged.
What's a Brazillian's least favorite math chapter to do? 7-1
I was viewing a house being sold by a native american i asked him if it came with running water, He said 'no, get your own wife'
Oh you wear sunglasses inside? lt must be sunny on planet cool.
What do you call a fake spaghetti? An impasta
The rain is pounding so hard I'm kind of jealous.
What do you call a vampire, that follows the rules? Draculaw
My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water.... ....she means well
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
So my friend told me that he has been constipated for the past three weeks... I'm pretty sure he's full of shit.
How did the tugboat get aids... It was rear-ended by a fairy.
What's a programmer's least favorite wind instrument? The OBOE.
You ever feel like you just don't really understand anything, and then your hands turn into flippers and you realize you're a dolphin?
[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] "do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you."
I cried when my dad chopped up onions onions was a good dog :c
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.
There's three kinds of people in this world People who can count, and people who can't
How does Voldemort seal his mail? With his Parceltongue. (...I'll see myself out)
The Mexican word of the day is "Wheelchair" For example, "Hey mang, I see you don't have a lunch today so wheelchair mine."
It's days like these.... When a man wakes up, looks around and thinks "Yup, times are a changin!"
"Dark Side Tech Support." "Hi. My hand lightning won't work. The hate's flowing thru me, but nada." "Try turning the hate off & on again."
I always like to tell fart jokes about myself I call it self defecating humour
The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve time travellers here" A time traveller walks into a bar.
furniture disease i just got home from the doctor's and i have really bad news. turns out i have the furniture disease. its where your chest hangs down past your drawers
A horse walks into a bar. The bar-man asks "Why the long face?". The horse not knowing English, shits itself and walks out the bar.
My sex life is like the internet. Full of lies
Happy Let's-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day
I dreamed that midgets were trying to assassinate me, so I bought a bulletproof car. Since they were midgets, I bought a convertible.
Sometimes I like to leave seafood restaurants clutching my stomach and whisper "Don't order the fish," to people waiting for tables.
Dear Santa , before I try to explain, just how much do you already know?
I need to stop lying about things I don't own. *Sent from my iPhone 17.*
Today I had a second helping of hummus. I was arrested for double hummus-ide.
What's does a photon and Donald Trump have in common? Both full of energy and momentum, both lacking substance.
What kind of dinosaur writes poetry? A Bronte-saurus.
What do women and penny stocks have in common? If you hold on to them too long instead of pumping and dumping them, you'll lose all your shit.
What did Mike Tyson say when asked about the time he fought the God of Asgard? "The loser was 'thore'"
Ain't therapy great? He yawns, but doesn't seem bored, If you think of his bill, you are poor, If you're feeling blue, and want to get screwed, "The Rapist" -it's there on his door.
[in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once her: what? me: what?
What is E.T. short for? Hes got wee legs
What do they do when the Queen has a baby? Fire a 21 gun salute. What do they do when a nun has a baby? Fire the dirty old Canon.
How do you get to the front page of Reddit? Take a racist joke and throw Donald Trumps name in the title.
I like my drinks like I like my women.... Stiff and cold.
What's a pirate favorite letter? Rape.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Why was the violist standing outside the door? He didn't know when to come in
My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive... which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic
Babe.. [gets down on one knee] I'm [gets down on the other knee] so [lays down on belly] tired [zzzzzzzzzz]
My favorite joke: What do hillbillies do for Halloween? Pump kin.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children? Me: I have four, why start now?
Have you heard Schrodinger's joke? It's both funny and not funny at the same time, but there is no way of knowing if anyone else will laugh at it until you've told it.
I typed "Missing medieval servant" into Google... But it just came up with "Page not found".
What kind of medicine do you give a kid having a fit? An anti-hissy-tamine.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Why did Lamar give money to Kobe? Because Lamar Odom
What's a black mans' least favourite ice cream van? Mr Whippy.
Similarities and differences between the Canadian and Chinese constitution. Both have freedom of speech but only one has freedom after speech.
What do you get when you put a root beer in a square glass? A beer.
Mugger: "Hand over your stuff! No funny business!" *I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
It can't be much fun being gay. Your friends are always moaning behind your back.
How do you tell which plumber went home for lunch? He's the one with the clean finger.
Two Scottish ducks on a tandem... The one on the back says "Quack!" The one on the front says " Ah cannae go any quacker"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
Have you heard of the new model of the german microwave? It seats twelve
I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering... I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case...
My friend stole my capacitor I told him that wasn't farad all
A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.
What Happens when you fart in church? You sit in your own pew
Well, well, well... There's three deep holes in the ground with water in the bottom of them.
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face. Edit: Come on! It s a joke, don t get butt hurt! And yes, I spelled woman wrong, who cares?
What did PSY say when he choked on a burger? Whop, Whop Whop Whop Whop ... Whopper Gangnam Style.
I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked to be in a movie about famous musical composers... He responded "I'll be Bach"
Yo mama's so fat... Yo mama's so fat that we had to put the real joke in the comments.
If I had a dollar for every time I stepped on the cat when I arrived home... I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat
I bought some drugs from a shoe dealer They were unlaced, and I still got high as heel...
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don't you come join me? [Lobster]: No I'm good over here. That's how my dad died.
I needed to get a treasure hunter's attention so I shouted "AU!"
Are we sure this new planet isn't just Pluto wearing a wig?
The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse.
What is the difference between a pitbull and a Golden Retriever? A Golden Retriever can sing better.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
"Babe there's something I've always wanted to do.." *tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*
I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I'll do it myself.
How do you make pickle bread? With dill dough
A boss at a workplace says to his secretary, "File this report, please.""You file it, sir," the secretary replies. "I'm a secretary, not a woodworker."
What kind of a shoe has a problem? An issue.
What type of movies can't batman see? Parental Guidance.
Did you see the porn circus? It was fucking intense.
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass
Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it...
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don't have one. Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse...... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
What do you call a really nice retard? A sweet potato
It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling is in jail.
Short rabbi joke As I'm walking with a rabi I ask him, Me: so do you charge a lot for you circumcisions? Rabbi: no I just keep the tips
I don't mean to brag, but I'm in my 30's and my bank account makes me look 21.
If I moved to Britain right now, I could retire a wealthy man. My bank account has approximately 6,723 dollars in it, which would convert to like infinite British pounds.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Guys, I'm officially having sex tonight so please don't disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[NSFW] Why don't pedophiles ever win races? They're always coming in a little behind.
Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.
Where do Jewish kids with ADHD go for summer? Concentration camp.
I don't want this month to end because the puppy on my calendar is extra cute.
An indian and an asian walked into a bar They had a great time because not everyone is racist like you.
What do The Police do to catch criminals easily? Sting operation, of course!
From my 4 year old: What do you call a penguin that can't win? A peng-lose!
Cajun restaurants' food is so spicy... ...that you want to wash your hands before you use the bathroom.
I tried to start a conversation with a mute Native American but he didn't know "how."
An atheist and a vegan walks into a bar... I know that because they told everybody.
I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me. She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.
Me: "Bond." *lowers sunglasses* "James Bond." Cashier: "You've been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?"
My mother in law just died... It was a blessing though. I had been suffering for years.
I don't know how I feel about masturbation anymore... On one hand, it's pretty good. On the other hand, it's a little awkward.
What kind of tea does water make? Humiditea.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Why couldn't the Italian get into his house? Because he had gnocchi.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
What is a chemist's favourite restaurant? Rubidium's.
A duck walks up to a lemonade stand... and he says quack, quack.
Nintendo managed something astonishing in this week's Nintendo Direct announcements... People finally gave a shit about Cloud based gaming.
Dogs playing poker Why are dogs bad at poker? Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand. Why did John's dog win the poker tournament? Because he's a Doberman.
A Scotsman walks into a bar usually he is with an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman but they are all in France for the Euros.
Wanna hear a really funny joke? Whoops, wrong sub.
Justin Bieber just compared himself to Kurt Cobain. When Kurt Cobain finds out, he's totally going to kill himself.
They say travel broadens the mind... Except for Americans, where it just seems to widen the arse (Jimmy Carr)
If there's one thing Trump should have learned from history... It's that the theater has NEVER been a safe space for presidents.
Be great if just once the winning actor was like "I mean it wasn't a particularly strong group this year, but still."
What is worse than a dude shooting cum on your floor? A dude farting cum on your floor.
What did the hippie say when his girlfriend told him to move out? Nah, I'm a stay. (namaste)
I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on my with my dad.... Can't belive I'm going to be an uncle.
The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we're too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.
Live today like it's your last. But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.
Why was Hitler better than Jesus? Jesus may have fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread ad 2 fish, but Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
I don't like damp things For the moist part
Desperate to get laid, so I'm going to my next Halloween party dressed as a giant anus ...I hear that hot girls love having sex with assholes
*aliens return to ship* ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans? "We left them" AL: Why? "They didn't look anything like their selfies in rl"
Let's be honest... Finn was a little bit on the Dark side...
The interviewer asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" The job candidate responded, " I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision." Use it while you can, people!
"I'm gonna die. What is happening. Whaaa-ooahh actually that's not bad" - first guy to poop
How do big yellow machinery fall asleep. they bulldoze
How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.
I keep photos of my wife and children in my wallet. They sit in the pockets where my money used to be.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.
How is a rabbit similar to a plum? they are both purple, except for the rabbit.
A wife is worried about her body... Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because you put on the wrong sock this morning.
What do driving and dating have in common? Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.
What do you call a naughty football joke? An offensive line
A man walks into a bar. It knocks him out cold.
A farmer in (x-town) who rolled over a cart of horse manure... Is reported in "stable condition."
What happened when the cannibal bit off a  missionary's ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!
Whats the best part about a dead hooker The second hour is free
Dios mios! A: You shouldn't say the lord's name in vain! B: I'm not saying it in vain... I'm saying it in Spanish!
I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, "thank you baby jesus" and left.
What did the windmill say to Lady Gaga? I'm a really big fan.
Whats the difference between a preschool and a taliban camp? I don't know man. I just fly the drones.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Shut up, will you?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
What's the most messed up trap for Santa? A Nicolas Cage.
You can say what you like about Hitler... ...at least he killed Hitler.
Would you like to hear a joke about violence and torture? What is WRONG with you!
Q: How do you fix a broken chimp? A: With a monkeywrench.
If there is more anti-matter than matter in the universe ... .... does this mean that there are more anti-black lives than black lives?
Q: What do elephants and plums have in common? A: Everything, except that one is an elephant and one is a plum.
Lawyers are safe company to have for girls. They will be concerned about Your Honour more than their own.
Dentist: "You need a crown." Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"
Chinese Proverb: Man who run infront of car get tired... Man who run behind car get exhausted
Today I saw a rock group, but none of the 4 members sang Mount Rushmore was kinda disappointing
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar The waiter looks at him and says " I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Did you hear about the rabbi who had a wallet made out of foreskins? He could rub it and turn it into a suitcase.
How long does it take for an African mom to shit? 9 months...
2016 is like a crisp autumn wind on a clear day in Venice It blows. (Get well soon Carrie)
Why Do Kids In High school Take Art? You don't have to pay for the glue to sniff...
I finally read to the end of the dictionary today. It turns out the zebra did it for me.
I hate having OCD - do you realize what it's like to feel somewhat compelled to wash your hands nearly every time you go to the bathroom?!?
People with dreadlocks either love weed or hate showers.
*robbers burst into bank* EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG *bank manager frowns* What's updog? WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
Me: "All my friends are getting married." Grandma: "Yeah? All my friends are dying."
Why did the termite got divorced? Because she ate the secretary.
At some point, male "pick-up artists" are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
Why is Michael Jordan's Jersey number 23? Because then he will always be in prime.
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead and she sighs.  "Here we go again."
I'm not gullible but she said I was the best she's ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.
Pilot: Tower please call me a fuel truck. Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
First Caribou: What well-known cartoon character do moths like a hole lot? Second Caribou: Micky Moth!
The other day I ran into my Ex So I backed up and ran into her again.
Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I played golf with a guy in a wheelchair today He must not play much judging by the silence I was met with when I asked him what his handicap is.
"Did you hear that one famous rapper declared bankruptcy?" Yeah...he probably only has 50 cents now.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Juan
What did the plant say to the runaway melons in love? You cantelope!
Two office workers are chatting by the water cooler "I has a nice quiet dinner with the wife last night" one says. "Oh yeah?" The other responds. "Yeah, except for the celery."
Congratulations, outspoken atheists! You've made not having a religion into your religion!
Today I was hit in the back of the head with a bag of ice I was knocked out cold
Why did the developers have to delay their pirate game? They needed to give their characters an eye-patch.
CRICKET Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have? A: A bloody big cricket.
I think i'm going to be famous! I met Jimmy Savile when I was young and I think he rubbed off on me!
Check out this list number 5 is awesome. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.awesome
A child asks his father: Why is grandpa running daddy? Shut up son, and give me another shell.
How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car? One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.
This post is totally pointless circle
did you hear about the ebola cure abola chicken noodle soup...
My 8 year old brother just asked me if I had a hole in my sock. Me: Of course not Him: Then how do you put your foot inside?
I'm giving up spray deodorants for the new year. Roll on 2016.
Once you've had black, you might never go back but.. Everything taste better on a cracker.
Amsterdam, 26 October1942, about tea time. Mr Frank - "Shhhh Quiet everybody ... the Germans are coming". Anne Frank - "I am too"
No matter how much you push an envelope It will always be stationary
What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine? One doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.
How Did Norse Marsupials Write Their Sagas? In Kangarunes.
A blind man walks into a bar... then a table, then finally a chair.
I tripped over some stupid plant so I gave it the finger and walked in a circle around it because I wasn't sure where its stupid eyes were.
What do you call a cracked window? A pane in the glass.
Did you hear about the dispensary that was selling suppositories? It turns out they were just blowing smoke up everyone's ass.
What did the farmer say when he heard the town gossiping about his cornfield fire? "My ears are burning!"
Why did the railroad thief get caught? He forgot to cover his tracks! im^dead^inside
What do you call a valet from India? Mahatma Coat
How many Creationists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? God.
Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your  boyfriend tell you??
Life is a lot like a piece of toilet paper. You're either on a roll, or you're taking shit from some asshole.
I have the heart of a lion.. .. and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Yo momma's so ugly... When the cops shoot her, the bullets come back and ask for blindfolds.
My friends hate I when I use smiley faces. They're just childish xD
A joke A dyslexic guy walks into a bra
[ouija board] How are you feeling? *board begins spelling* O-O-E-Y--G-O-O-E-Y What the!? A cheesy board!? G-O-U-D-A--G-U-E-S-S
Accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream ...but at least my asshole smells minty fresh
What do you call the one white person on a bus full of black people? Coach
I love women, especially the radical feminist types because it is more fun to put them in their place.
Well, well, well... If it isn't the lesson I should've learned by now.
Me and My wife wrote the best articles on how to create a successful marriage I would have published it but she took half of it in the divorce settlement.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
What gets a gold digger off? Goldman Sachs
*gives you dictionary for your birthday* wow.. i don't know what to say "that's why i bought it for you"
Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say "I love you", than women. In our defence, ladies, we  don't mean it
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, "Wanna go clubbing?"
Yo Mama so fat Her waistband is the reason Pi is an infinite number.
I have a great joke about Native Americans But... I'm afraid some people will have some reservations against it.
What do Native Americans do for the holidays? Nativities.
What's your view on lesbians? 1080p
Why did Misty want to sleep with Brock? She saw his Onix harden.
I like my women like I like my coffee Strong and black.
Every program I write is completely error free No exceptions
I was having sex with a woman when her husband got home early She told me to use the back door and to be quick. I probably should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.
What is the largest moth the world has ever seen? A mammoth
I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
I like my women like I like my movies. Silent and in the 20s.
How do you request another Mormon wife? Brigham Young
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Sorry neighbor who's choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg. This, like, never happens.
I ate a lot. It tasted like cement.
What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants? My mother.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!!
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... I'm sorry..
I went to the library today and asked for a book on manners. The librarian replied, "We haven't got any, so fcuk off."
How is your mom just like a laundromat? For a dollar in quarters she will take my load.
Looking forward to his next movie Night at the Mausoleum
What's worse than finding a hole in your condom? Finding a condom in your hole!
Gary Coleman died of multiple aneurysms.... which is kind of like Different Strokes.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brie ! Brie who ? Brie me my supper !
What's worse than finding a hole in your condom? Finding a condom in your hole.
Everyone type it with me: A lot is two words. A lot is two words. A lot is two words. A lot is two words. Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless.
Why do elephants drink? Well, mostly to forget.....
Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.
Wanna hear why I love Dorian Gray jokes? cause they never get old
*meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
What's the difference between a joke and a pretty girl? sometimes i get the joke.
Son: What is an autobiography? Father: Er the story of an automobile.
What do you call someone that goes down on both genders? Bilingual.
What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge?.... ...A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
If I get an email headed "Dear Friend", I know it's a scam. I don't have friends
What type of bees makes milk instead of honey? Boobies
You were beautiful in my dreams, but a fucking nightmare in reality.
What's 6" long, bent to the left, and in the front of my pants?? My iPhone 6.
Today is my birthday, and my lesbian neighbors decided to gift me a Rolex. I don't think they quite understood when I said "I wanna watch".
How do you fit 25 Jews in a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 20 in the ashtray
Went out dressed as a chicken last night and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg and a life-long question was answered... Turns out, it was the chicken!
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I've just had six and I feel terrible.
What's a dentists favourite time? 2:30
Did you hear about the new John Wayne toilet paper? It's ruff tuff, and takes shit from no one.
We're so festive in Boston that we do the whole "Don't drink the water" thing the entire week of Cinco de Mayo.
getting my loan approved at the bank by lying on my back and executing a series of flawless air kicks right there in the lobbby
Who is dear &amp; near friend... Who's hot... Its U, Who's Charming... Its U, Who's Sweetest.. Its U, Who's Intelligent... Its U, Who's dear &amp; near friend... Its U, Who's a liar.. Its me
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipe
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
no no no today isnt CASUAL friday, its CAUSAL friday. evrythimg u do today has a effect. for example: johnson why r u wearing jeans ur fired
What's bruked, broke, and fucked all over? The country!
A man walks in to a bar... He said ouch
My mom's (one ethnicity) & my dad's (another)... So I guess you could say that makes me a (shitty, lazy comedian!)"
Did you hear about the teacher who never farted in class? It turns out she was a private tooter.
Love means nothing to a tennis player. That's the joke, thanks for reading!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents? ME: I taught myself how to play piano INTERVIEWER: By ear? ME: No, just with my hands
What Do You Call Fake Spaghetti? An impasta!
What do you suppose broke this window Mr. Holmes? It's a limb entry, my dear Watson!
What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today? Scratching at the lid of his coffin.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"
Child: "Mama, I'm tired of running in circles..." Mom: "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"
What do vegetarians love to do during sex? Toss some salad.
Knuckle Tats (I) (H)(A)(V)(E) (W)(A)(Y) (T)(O)(O) (M)(A)(N)(Y) (F)(I)(N)(G)(E)(R)(S)
I was horrible in school... I failed math so many times, I can't even count
What's a difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs
I gave up masterbating I haven't been feeling myself lately
It's never easy to look at someone and tell them 'That thing we both felt, that thing you saw inside of me, it just isn't there anymore'... Especially when its your obstetrician!
A world without women..... Would be a pain in the ass
Why did the mathematician quit his job and join NASCAR? They told him he was good at deriving
It was a pain to clean up after carrying out my fetish for the first time. But its definitely a load off my chest.
Bread is not emotionally mature enough to have threesomes When you spread your nuts all over one slice, the other gets jelly.
So I drew a perfect circle today. You could say I finally got around to it.
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men." So he stabs her and steals her purse.
What did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving? I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side
What does a woman's asshole do while having an orgasm? He's usually at home with the kids.
What state do most people live in? Denial. Myself included.
Why is 12 the highest number rednecks can count to? How else would they know how many cans are in a 12 pack.
McDonald's Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Who invented the telephone? The Phoenicians (phone-itions).
ME: *eating shepherd's pie* this is really yummy SHEPHERD: hey, that's my pie
How do you get pickled bread? With dill-dough. Credit goes to a J. Cain
What's the number ten's favorite Spanish phrase? Diez mio!
I can't seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don't need their assistance in the bathroom.
When I become famous... I want to get a huge marble bust made in my image. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
If I donate blood and you're in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don't blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
What was the Preacher turned Drill Seargent's favorite command? Present Alms!
I was flirting with an Asian girl at a bar last night when I decided to ask for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629".
Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can't figure out how to return it.
She had a LITTLE lamb? No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
How is Donald Trump like a pumpkin? They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should have been thrown out in early November.
A vegan, a priest, & a rabbi walk into a bar. The vegan pretty much just blabs on & on about how he's a vegan for the next hour. The end.
I'm going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like 'I'm sorry but it's colder in Canada."
The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps bending over to pick up quarters, hope she will for dimes too, as I'm out of quarters.
I don't believe it, but Google insists I am the first monkey at a typewriter to bang out the phrase, "So thirsty I could blow a horse."
My computer sings. It's a Dell.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south. Nothing, someone's losing the trailer.
I keep having this dream that I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[clown interview] Why become a professional clown? me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
"Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?" *Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down* "Omg!" Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I once dumped a cross-eyed chick Thought she was seeing someone else.
What did Jack say when Nick called him a son of a bitch? He couldn't say anything. He was a dog.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either
With Jupiter ascending flopping the wachowskis are planning to quit the movie biz and going into the fast growing Mexican food business They are planning on naming their company as the Nachoskis
Have you ever smelt moth balls before? Isn't it hard to pull their little legs apart?
What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with Vegetables? Mrs Hawking
Why did did the convicts escape? Billy Eichner has a theory... Billy Eichner says I bet those escaped convicts are going to see Ted 2.
What's black and white and red all over? Battleship Potemkin
What is the KKK's favorite dessert? A Klandike bar
"Honey, am I fat?" "No, not at all" "You're lying" "I swear. By the way, you got something on your chin... no, the other one"
Why were the students confused by the gay kid's performance in school? He was getting straight D's
I found out a friend was a vegan and it completely changed how I thought about her. It was like I didn't know herbivore.
The answer is "preludes" Name something Bill Cosby gives to nuns.
Two Goldfish were in a tank. What did one fish ask the other? So how do you drive this thing?
Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say.
I think it's about time we stopped accepting Quasimodo and demanded 100% modo.
Hostage jokes aren't funny... Unless you execute them well.
*walking into our new house* ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home? HER: *giggling* OK *later, flinging holy water* ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead... but pretty fly.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn't a rock
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
They say a woman knows after 7 seconds whether or not she wants to have sex... Good thing I only last 5.
Want to hear a clean Joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty one? Bubbles is a man
Trying to screw with my friend by making him into a meme Please Share this. https://imgflip.com/i/p7bm5
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Why do you bury lawyers 20 feet deep? Because deep down they're good people
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds. Then I got a Twitter account, and I'm over it.
What's the generic for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin
"Well, you should have been more specific before I painted all these veins." - designer of the Wienermobile
How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones 1. Create a podcast
Farts are the air to my throne.
[job interview] Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja? Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That's pr--*thump*
Why don't Bond villains feel cold in the winter? Because they dress in lairs.
You guys wanna hear a potassium joke? K
In Heaven Me: I can't believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong Gid: You idiots couldn't even get my Giddamn name right
What's the difference between modern-day men and modern-day women? If you give a man a lemon, he'll make lemonade. But if you give a woman a lemon, she'll find some way to accuse it of rape.
I don't like progeria jokes. They get old fast.
I got tired jogging in front of the car So I ran behind it, but soon became exhausted.
What do Monica Lewinsky and a soda machine have in common? They both say insert bill here
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at tweets all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Only one, but... It takes the entire ER department to get it back out.
Miley Montana (whatever) has decided to quit "singing" to focus on "acting". I am very "concerned."
Why wasn't Rome built in a day? Because it was a government job.
What did the really ugly man do for a living?  He posed for Halloween masks.
Last Christmas I got a sweater, For this Christmas I want a moaner or a screamer.
Why will the USA never go bankrupt? It will just host a telethon.
What's the best thing about fucking a transvestite? Reaching around the front and thinking, just for a second, that's it's gone all the way through
"I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but-" *The Devil appears* "Please do not advocate for me, you are the fucking worst."
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
What's the difference between my virginity and the Apple Airphones? Losing my virginity wouldn't cost me as much.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist.  He's busy vacuuming now.
Just told a coworker "I ain't scerd, lil' bitch." and threw my stapler. I blame the hardcore rap.
What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson likes to fuck little boys...
Monica Lewinsky says she WILL endorse Hillary for president... ..says Hillary Clinton "doesn't suck."
What sort of violin does a ghost play? A dreadivarius.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
It's like my cat doesn't even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Whether Trump or Hillary becomes president, I won't be living in the USA afterwards From someone currently living in Europe with no plans of leaving because of being a student.
What did the x-axis say to the y-axis? This is my domain
What did one frog say to the other? Time's fun when you're having flies.
Donald Trump I was told this was a place to post jokes, and that's the best one I know.
What's the difference between the grocery store and a math book? In a math book I can buy 57 papayas at $1.99 each and no one will care.
What do women and dog shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up
Saw that new "Legend" film at the weekend... It was Kray Kray....
I used to love correcting people's grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends.
Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator? Because he was General Electric.
Why couldn't the grape help his friend move on Saturday? because he was in a jam
What is Michael Bay's favorite chess move? C4.
What's the only thing better than Roses on a Piano? Answer: Tulips on an Organ.
I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost
I've been really mad at my dad since he died... ...all he's done for the last 6 years is sit on his ash.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker! SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider? VENOM: No, like- SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he's dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Procrastination Eh, that's not an important joke; I'll tell that one later.
Is this the movie where a down and out coach is given a chance of a lifetime to turn these nobodies and misfits into a winning team?
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? one's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
Why was the condom angry? It was pissed off.
Who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's court? Circumference.
"My computer just crashed" is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot af, overpriced and all over me within 30 seconds of getting in the car.
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you're a wizard
How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.? With a tire gauge.
I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they're thinking, "Shit. Did I leave the iron on?"
I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards. I just can't deal with this.
in a way, things are looking up for america... Soon it'll no longer be an obama-nation
Is okay to laugh if Hitler jokes are considered to be the vorst?
Whats the difference between acne and a Priest? Acne doesn't cum on a boys face until he is 13.
Why is dyslexia so bad? It looks like daily sex to me.
Instead of dropping Charlie Sheen, shouldn't Hanes keep him on to promote their Wife-beater Tees?
Did you hear about the guy who was frozen to absolute zero? He was 0K.
Just snipped off a toddler's faux-hawk while his mom was in the bathroom at Starbucks, because I give a shit about the future.
Started a Christian acoustic band the other day... We call ourselves "Gsus".
My boss let me have a day off work because my wife was having a baby The next day he asked me if it was a boy or a girl, I said i'd tell him in about 9 months
How can the National Anthem be racist if?. The first words are, " Jose can you see?"
I don't always roll a joint But when I do, it's usually my ankle
Blonde and a Redhead A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
The *real* reason Hitler lost the war. He forgot to put speed limits on his highways so the enemy vehicles could drive as fast as they wanted to.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted :)
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim.
I wanted to see lot of animals so I went to the zoo. But they only had one small dog. It was a SHIH-TZU.
Mayweather won. That's it, that's the joke.
Two native-american boys are walking through a forest One spots a bug on the ground, points to it and says to the other, "ew, squash it!" The other says, "no, i'm pretty sure it's a bug."
Two Cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.. One turns to the other and says 'Does this taste funny to you?' The other looks back and replies 'no.'
The workers at the inn aren't very friendly... they create a hostel environment.
Russia doesn't have a online TV streaming service. It's called Nyet-Flix.
If the carpet matches the drapes I'll install the hardwood for free
Dear Internet, Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist. Jeez!
It's not the cat wearing my pants without permission that pisses me off. It's that he looks better in them than I do.
I've never lost a game of monopoly But I have lost a lot of friends.
a white girl drowned today when her anchor tattoo pulled her to the bottom, sadly her infinity tattoo didnt mean she'd live forever
Hey girl, you're a 10 on my scale... But that's only because you're basic.
But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
What is the cuddliest particle known to science? The HUGS boson!
Why did Steve Jobs eat all the cookies? Mac users have no CTRL
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone's sandwiches for them in the break room.
I Nominate Lou Gehrig.
How do male civil unions not end with the phrase "I dude"?
Yo Mama so fat when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone
Ugh, I am swamped at work today. *stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
What do you call a postmodernist ravioli? An intellectual impasta'.
My grandfather once told me 'When i was your age, I thought I was going to be 10 all my life too. So I said 'And when I was your age, I didn't believe in reincarnation either'.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? Two - One to arrest the light bulb for begging for change and other to beat the room because it's black.
I would tell you a joke about UDP But you might not get it
My friend had all of his guitars stolen, and he's real sad about it. Can't even play the blues anymore.
Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea.  Real friends pick up a camera.
With me, it's not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It's half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
What do you call a psychic midget that just robbed a bank? Small medium at large
The only time my ex will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Pedophiles 2 in 3 people live next to a pedohpile. I don't. I live next to 2 smoking hot 8-year olds.
Flovers Joke A man comes home with a bokay of flowers for his girlfriend and she says "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now." And her boyfriend asks "Why, don't you have a vase?"
What did the athletic trainer say to the body builder who was allergic to protein powder? "No whey."
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
My girlfriend got so mad she battered me with some vegetables. She has a terrible tempura.
Why did the Spanish train aficionado blow up his trains? He had loco motives.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup...
I used to go out with a girl who was obsessed with graphs... she was always plotting behind my back
Does He Bite Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him? Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite? Reggie: That's what I want to find out.
Quit bragging yo. Jesus drove a Honda back in Bible days and said nothing of it. "For I speak not of my own accord" John 12:49 a.
How's the new Chinese restaurant downtown? Eh... It's tso-tso.
You know what's good about pirate hookers? You can splooge in her good eye and run away without paying.
British corn maze scientist found out...
Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.
This is Major Tom to Ground Control. This protocol is bad. Why is it we are singing to each other? It's no wonder our funding has gone away.
In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins. In 2015, he died of starvation.
What do you call it when you hold a Jewish girl under the covers and fart? A dutch oven...
My wifes hair is so sexy, Its 50 shades of grey.
How many Emos does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer to cry in the dark.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts.. Me: You have sex charts?
Did you hear the news about half-life 3 Me neither
If a Christian rock band had a Gibson, they could be called "The Five Gospels, Les Paul." ^
I wish they made aviator goggles for cats because my cat looks pretty dumb riding in my motorcycle's sidecar without them.
My boss: "Sean, what do you know about Twitter?" Me: "nothing. Why? What have you heard?"
What's a tick's favorite food? A tic tac
[creation] GOD: You all have a divine purpose HORSE: I will plow man's field COW: I will give man milk GUINEA PIG: I will test man's shampoo
What does a burning Mexican farm smell like? Tacos. Overheard an old man telling another guy how he lost his farm in Mexico , and how the smell reminded him of tacos.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming "WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!" *
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Fun Fact - The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I call bullshit on all the times I've talked to strangers and they've not offered me candy.
Fun prank: tweet "BRB CLEANING MY GUN!!!" then don't tweet for 8 years.
There's a band called 1023mb They haven't had any gigs yet.
I can't decide which room not to clean first.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I'm affordable" instead of "I'm adorable". Stop embarrassing me.
What does a bored Spaniard eat? Aburrido.
Wow, this is a pretty shit joke... ...said no one ever.
[Infomercial] HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!? AUDIENCE: Yes! HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*
In the Garden of Eden, Eve wore a fig leaf. Do you know what Adam wore? A hole in it.
"Sooth. Sooth! SOOOTH!!!" --soothsayers
What did the bee say to the naughty bee ? Bee-hive yourself !
Not only do I refuse to take the stairs up to my office, when I'm in the elevator I wish there was a chair in it.
They say she has a sharp tongue. Yes she can slice bread with it.
Do you know why women aren't allowed in space? * To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!" * "What is the problem?" * "Yeah, great, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!"
[NSFW] I always create female characters in third person shooter games Because if I am spending hours looking at someone else's back that should be a female.
What do they call the Hunger Games in Ethiopia? Games.
once there was a king He was very Poor
Maybe I'm not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
[crime show] DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been.. *Flintstones theme song plays* Murdered
Q: Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? A: Because she had no guts!
Someone asked me to name my favorite composer... It made me Bach. I couldn't get a Handel on it. I had to make a Liszt.
Do your socks have holes in them? No? Well then how did you get your feet in them?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
My sex life is like my credit card. It expired a long time ago.
What does a gay horse eat Haaaaayyyy!!
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named "Spider."
Husband: Call ambulance, Fast! I am Having a Heart Attack... Wife: ( Took his mobile): "Quick!! Tell me the Password!!" Husband: It's Okay, I am feeling better now!! :D :D
Why did the robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you've disabled java.
I was texting my friend about why how I loved eating my family and pets. It was then that I learned of the importance of commas.
Aha, I see the Fuck-Up Fairy has visited us again! 
A black guy and a Puerto Rican guy are carpooling to work together.
What's it called when a huge hole opens up in the ground in the middle of Spring? Sinkhole de Mayo
I've fathered 200 children..... in one of my reddit comments.
What do you call Bob Marley when he wears glasses? Rasta-four-eyes
Why did the Mexicans ignore the "No Trespassing" sign? It was just the two of them.
how do you keep an asshole in suspense?
I figured out how to invade Russia You destroy all of the vodka then they'll be to sober to shoot straight.
Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat's mouth. My kid thinks I'm a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later
What's Irish and sits on a porch? Pati 'O' Furniture
Yo mama so fat that black holes revolve around her.
Mountains ain't just funny... They are hill areas.
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Zero. Let that bitch cook in the dark
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants
I know all the subjects of Hillary Clinton's emails, ask me anything [Deleted]
What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country? Simple, you get stoned twice
The Shawshank Redemption but it's just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don't have to talk to my boss.
cops shutting down my giant SLIP N' SLIDE again because the traffic on the highway needs to get around us I guess
Mad Max: Fury Road fans never actually watched the movie they WITNESSED it.
Wanna Know SomeThing Funny? My Amount Of Karma.
A man goes to the doctor... The doctor says "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I should have told you yesterday..."
I can't take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog's poops.
What is tangled rope in space called? Astro-knot
my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"
Dark humor is like a kid terminally ill with cancer It never gets old
Christopher Nolan and Leo Dicaprio walk into a bar and then they walk into another one
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other's sentinels.
Why couldn't Helen Keller vote? She was a woman! And it wasn't until 1920 when the 19th Amendment was ratified. At this point she was 40 years old and could vote.
If Chick fil A and Five Guys ever merged... they could call it Five Guys fil a Chick
Have you heard about the emo pizza? All you do is insult it, and it cuts itself.
Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats? Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky.. No? W: Really? Idiot.
I'm going to open a frozen pizza shop It's called "Pizza By the Ice."
Wanna feel old? Make comparative judgments based on how long you've been alive versus how long younger people have been alive. Wild.
What's the similarity between a gay man and a toothpick? They both poke around in old food
Did you hear about the blind skunk? It fell in love with a fart.
I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can't watch porn...
What did the native american say the first time he saw a bicycle? Wow, white folks are pretty smart. They run sitting down. *Feel free to apply the racist native american accent of your choice.*
If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.
Some guys think sweaters are sexy, but I don't like girls who sweat more than the usual amount.
Too many TV ads about how you can remove blood stains off clothes with detergents & none about how you can hide the body? Where's the logic?
I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.
Female Viagra has been around for years... It's called money.
What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in!
What did the house turn into on the night of the full moon? A Warehouse.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick
On this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast."
3yr old had a urine test today so we gave him smarties for peeing in a cup. Now he and his brother are pissing in EVERYTHING for more candy.
The internet is an amazing thing. One minute I'm at work looking up random pages, passing the time, the next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.
3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl? They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!
What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in.
If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.
me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My girlfriend caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.. Apparently "Heating your dinner" was the wrong answer
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later and one will see you in a while.
When a woman says "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now" just wait 3 seconds.
Hello 911? "What's your emergency?" You work in a building? "Yes" Inside? "Yes WHAT'S YOUR EM-" So you're saying 911's an inside job?!
I asked my math teacher if he wanted to rent an apartment with me Then he went on some tangent about needing a co-sign.
I was on the street This guy waved to me, he came up to me and said " I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else" And I said "I am"
Don't forget the 3 most important factors in choosing the right words for a ubiquitous real estate mantra: Locution, locution, locution. *twitter: @chippedbeef*
Two duck hunters You know about the two duck hunters who were found dead in Texas? The lawyer for the defence says the accused acted in self defence and that the community says duck lives matter too.
Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn't want to be a hotdog. *ba dum tsss *ba dum tish idk
Falling from a Window by Eileen Dowt
Based on her color and size Snookie would make a great buoy.
Emo Kids: you've seen one, you've seen the mall
how did jerry heller order breakfast over eazy
What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.
Bill Cosby likes his women like he likes his town cars... Blacked out
Yo momma so fat, when she sits around the house ... ... she sits around the house.
What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa? Prom
Jimmy: Khaleesi, of course means Queen. What's your real name again? Khaleesi (Kristen Wiig): Karen
Guy calls to HR: - Hi. I'd like to discuss IT security specialist position at your company. - Ok. Send your CV, please. - You already have it at your desktop.
I'm hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
How well do people with mesothelioma breathe? Asbestos they can.
Why did the chicken cross the school yard? To get to the other slide!
When you read an unfunny joke: downvote it.
What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business.
Atheism... ...is a non-prophet organization.
Now that gay marriage is legal, my uncle can marry his boyfriend Dre! What a double entendre! I made this up and am very proud.
How do you stay warm in a cold room? You go to the corner cause it's always 90 degrees.
Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.
Cow Joke What do cows watch in the theaters? moovie
Saying your an American Jihadist... Is like saying your a little bit dead ,if your saying it you probably don't know what it is.
Knock Knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? *sobbing* - You said you'd never forget.
My friend Billy... My friend Billy, Had an eight foot willy, dragged along the kitchen floor. His girl thought it was a snake, and whacked it with a rake and now it's only three foot four.
When Luke(Skywalker) fell in love with (Princess) Leia, you could say... he was looking for love in Alderaan places!
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong caring loving. They'd be wrong but you could still use them.
What do you call a marijuana robbery? A high-st
Why is NATO afraid of Russia? Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.
What do you do if your daughter starts smoking? Slow down and use lube.
What did the diva with Alzheimer's disease say? **DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM????** (credit to one of the writers from Bob's Burgers).
Why did the farmer win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Robin Williams has died Thank you for the laughter
How long does it take for mods to remove a post? [removed]
I had a threesome with two girls. They said they were 28 years old... How was I supposed to know they meant combined? They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old
we are young, we can do what we want, we can party all night, we can kill a guy
You don't make any sense. I would know because I'm unemployed.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
Which is the smartest tall mountain? Mt. Cleverest Hue hue
How do you make a female chemist feel self conscious? Ask if her hair is an extensive property
Q: What do you call 3 blondes a chimp and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks 4 f*cks 4 f*cks not for a zillion f*cks 4 f*cks!
Imgur Servers
What's the difference between a yogurt and the Americans? If you leave a yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.
Why is a nosey pepper so annoying? He's jalapeno business
My church says to treat my body like a temple. And let all the priests inside.
What is it called when Al Gore comes up with a solution to a problem? An Al-Gore-ithm. I'll see myself out.
Friday night is my weekly time to ponder...which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
In the Navy, how do you separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
I want my headstone to read "loving wife, evil dictator".
I started bleeding out of my ear yesterday.... I think I'm on my HEARiod
What's the definition of a Russian elevator? A Chechen presses a button and five floors come down.
APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: "We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What's yours?" ME: "I write and want to dir--" "GUNSHOT*
My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!
What do you call a mass transit system that also cares deeply about humanitarian work? A Bonorail.
Soldier had his dominant hand blown off Guess you could say it was an explosive breakup
What did one guy say to the other at the gay bar? May I push in your stool?
In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up. Must be why I keep running over female joggers.
what do you call a vampire that sucks mucus instead of blood? nose-feratu!
Just a morbid knock knock joke. : Knock Knock : Who's there : Not my dad : *Sob*
Why do sheep love Star Wars Episode V? Because Dey-go-bah.
"The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what? "Bond Name's the james" Are you alright? "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.
My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.
Say what you will about pedophiles..... at least they drive slow in school zones.
What did the poplar tree say to the weeping willow? Hey pal, you just need to branch out more.
How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They can't change anything.
I'm extremely terrified that Donald Trump might run this country..... I completely mean that.
I've never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My attractive feature is that sometimes I go away.
Has anyone woken up Green Day yet?
huh? "razzleberry is a mixture of raspberry and blueberry jam *puts mouth closer to drive thru speaker* either you have it or you don't"
Your mama so classless... She could be a Marxist utopia.
Why shouldn't you join Alcoholics Anonymous on Thanksgiving? Because all they serve is cold turkey.
If you post BDSM jokes on /r/jokes.... Does it count as a submission?
You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
People call me ugly until they see my wallet Then they call me poor
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
You know it's a shitty day at the office when Everytime you walk into the bathroom all the stalls are taken
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No ideer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no nose, and no ears? Still no ideer.
Losing game pieces sucks... Especially when it's hide and seek... I'll never forget you, Brian..
What does Melania call it when Donald takes Viagra? A rigged erection.
How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint... ...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest?
If I could have a finger on my penis. I could pick'n'flick, with my dick.
If I don't eat all of my food, it goes to waste. If I do eat all of my food, it goes to *waist*.
Great, I clicked on "Start Your Free Trial" and now I'm convicted of murder.
INTERVIEWER: "How would you describe yourself?" ME: "Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
Everyone is an atheist until you zip your fly up too quick Then its all Lord Jesus please help
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we'll be moving any second now.
A joke my grandfather told me Women's rights
I would rather read aloud the iTunes terms and conditions in Spanish than be at work today.
My dog kept barking at me I'm not sure why hes in love with roofs.
If Reese Witherspoon doesn't call her poop "Reese's Feces" she's missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.
A friend walked up to me while I was playing guitar and said "Sick strat, bro" I said "Did you just assume my fender? you bigot?"
Ya know...If heat rises.. Heaven just might be hotter than hell.
What do you call a snake that has been knighted? Sir Pent...
I bet Anne Franke had the worlds most boring Foursquare account.
We'll all be making some serious Zellweger face on the toilet tomorrow.
Did you guys hear about that guy who died? He was famous for giving sheep haircuts. Did that for over 25 years. They say he died from shear boredom.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex The build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
I've been tweeting for 10 hours straight...and 3 hours gay.
Why is Chewbacca bad at sports? He's just a wookie!
I can count on one hand the number of times I've blown four of my fingers off with illegal fireworks.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
What does Batman get in his drink? Just ice
Sometimes I say big words, even when i don't know what they mean They make me sound photosynthesis.
Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.
Dad: Did you get gas? Me: Ya i got it on the way home from school Dad: Well if you got gas than you better go to the bathroom!
What do you call coffee made from coal? Tarbucks.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch? Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If Obama said If President Obama said he was in favor of oxygen, republicans would suffocate themselves.
She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword
Relationships are a lot like algebra. You look at X and try to figure out Y.
I know someone who's addicted to brake fluid. They say they can stop any time.
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? A: Subordinate Clauses.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Doctor Doctor! I'm turning invisible! Yes.. I can see your not all there..
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Roommate: (looking over my shoulder at my files) What's "goat_in_heels.wav" (I slam my laptop shut & throw it through a closed window)
Why is it called a funny bone? Because its humerus!
What do you call nondeterministically scrambled Crunk? White and black noise.
Be the person your dog thinks you are. A gentle lover.
What did Samuel L. Jackson say to wake up his mate? Sunrise motherfucker!
Q: What's Slimy, cold, green, and smells like pork? A: Kermit the Frog's Finger
Why did Johnny teach the cockatoo to do a front flip? So he could say he flipped the bird. ^I'm^not^very^good^at^these
A guy called into work on his last day there and says, "Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?" ... "I'm not coming into work this morning.
What is condemned and overused yet as inescapable as a black hole? clickbait -_-
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
What did Donald Trump say when he couldn't find his Viagra? The erection is rigged!
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
You know what they say about the necronomicon? It's a real cult classic!
I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a Ford Focus.
Why was the little boy crying at the diamond store? He went to Jared
What do you call a kid with an eye patch, braces and a lisp? Names
Having watched the entire season of a show before me doesn't make you better than me, it makes you more unemployed than me
Where do Neanderthals shop? Cave-mart.
What did Masters say to Johnson? I don't know what the worlds coming to
What do you call a person with short-term memory loss? I forget...
Did you hear about the guy who gave Jesus bad directions? He went to hell, but at least he turned a prophet!
What happens when you get hit by a rental car? It Hertz.
ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer
Bless you, my son... What is the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits for puberty before coming on his face.
A Jewish man was talking to a Hindu man Jew: Yeah, so in my religion we only believe in one God. Hindu: No way! Jew: Yahweh
"Why I watch porn backwards" -friend doing comedy, please enjoy Reddit!
WHAT'S THE POINT OF A PSYCHIC HOTLINE IF THEY WON'T TELL ME WHERE MY OTHER SHOE IS?!
Nietzsche's girlfriend said "honey, what's wrong?" He replied "nothing."
Why does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Knock Knock! **Knock Knock** Who's there? **Britney Spears** Britney Spears who? **Knock Knock** Who's there? **Oops I did it again!**
Due to my obsessive reading I have a wonderful vocabulary of words I can't use in conversation, because I don't know how to pronounce them.
My son just told me he wouldn't kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he's a Nazi or just a nerd
If i ever become a vet, I'm naming my clinic "Bitches get Stitches."
Why did the apple eat itself with a fork? Because it didn't have a spoon! (Courtesy of my three year old daughter.)
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!
The best joke ever April fools
How Am I Doing? I'll Tell You How I'm Doing Volumes: 1-8
His wife caught him trying on a white and gold dress... "it's not what it looks like", said he
I saw my local theatre advertising a night of XXX Roman plays... I thought "ooo, sounds sexy," so I went along, but was disappointed. It turned out to just be thirty plays.
My mother came up to me and said, "Son, what does MILF stand for?" I said, "Mum I'd Like to Fuck" She said, "Ok, let me bath first."
What common trait do viruses, trojan horses and worms have in common? They are all INSECURE.
I just bought a really expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken. There's no going back now.
To protest Donald Sterling's racist comments I'm going to continue to not care about basketball.
My girlfriend asked if I wanted to fast today and I thought she said fist. As a result, she was not amused and she may be pressing charges.
Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
My friend was dating a communist He should have noticed earlier; there were a lot of red flags.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection* NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
What's the shortest book in the world? Deutscher Humor!
What do you call a prostitute playing bingo? A bing-hoe.
I hate it when you hold the door open for people And all they can say is, "Oh fucking hell, I can see you having a shit!"
The only acceptable man buns... ...are the buns men are born with below the waist. #datass
you can't believe it's not butter? buddy, almost everything is not butter
NOAH'S GOOGLE HISTORY 1) What is an ark? 2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark? 4) Are snakes necessary? 5) Is god real or am I high?
I needed to burn some calories... so I set a fat kid on fire
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What is beethoven doing in his grave Decomposing haha it's funni
What is a specimen? An Italian astronaut.
When people don't laugh at my jokes I just assume that they're not up to my level of comedy.
Harambe walks into a bar Bartender: What can I get for you? Harambe: Just ice for Harambe. Bartender: Sorry, we're out of ice. Best I can give you is a shot.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!
Said I'd buy my son some stuffing for his pillow. He wanted to come with me. Then his sister did too So now I'm getting down with the kids.
Why are there only two hundred and thirty nine beans in a bowl of bean soup? Because just one more and it would be two-farty
i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don't like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals
Probably the greatest 'a guy walks into a bar' joke ever! http://youtu.be/7UBCdzJuB34
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Aaaaaagggccchhhhmmmm....!!!
What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart? Mind the GAAP.
[office] Me: Happy Black Friday! Latisha: ... Me: I made a cake! Latisha: ... Me: ... Latisha: ... Me: ... Latisha: ... Me: It's chocolate.
DAD: I can't believe you bought me a house for Christmas SON: I hope you enjoy it DAD: I'm just gonna... SON: Oh no DAD: Live in the present
Why didn't the Siamese chicken cross the road? he was two chickens
A dog gave birth to puppies on the side of the road... She was cited for littering.
Knock, Knock... Who's there? The Gestapo. Gestapo who? Ve ask ze questions, schwein.
I'm starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook. You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Walked in on the big pillow in bed with my favorite blanket. Feel so betrayed.
Jesus only ever had one orgasm in his life We're still waiting for the Second Coming
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Man reading a book: hot Man with a baby: hot Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Q: How so you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology? A: A Buy-ologist.
I like my coffee like I like my women... without a penis.
Where does biggest potato grow? Under the ground.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I'm trying to do that & you're lowering my chances.
I was going to make a gay joke.... butt fuck it
What's the similarity between light beer and having sex in a canoe? They both increase the risk of drowning.
A man tried to force his wife to take an aspirin when she got in bed with him. She began yelling and saying "I don't have a headache!" The man replied, "Good, let's fuck."
What's the difference between circus and strip club? Circus is full of cunning stunts.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that was destroyed? They lost 500 souls!
Do you have 11 protons? Cause your sodium fine.
Did you hear about the Italian chef? He *pasta* away.
How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!
Why does Bruce Willis live in America and watch porn? Because he wants to live free and die hard
I thought it would be good idea to charge my Note 7 and make a call at the same time. Boy did that blow up in my face.
The advantage of using a nailcutter is, you won't get scratchmark on your forehead skin and the disadvantage is, you can't peel off garlic skin.
Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, "So are you sick?" No, I'm just here for the free CNN.
You wanna hear something funny? It's one of /r/jokes..!! Stranger: (/r/jokes ..? I don't even know this guy.) Stranger: /u/mustbejokingright ?
I got a text from an unknown number that said "Game on." It's either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter Don't wake us up early on the weekend and we won't abandon you in a mall
(True story) So my friend saw me browsing this subreddit and he said... "Is this a subreddit for really bad jokes?"
What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak  tree?  -Hang onto your bark this will be no ordinary spark
Every morning I run around the block 5 times... ...Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep
The fantasy part of fantasy football is that 10 wives would all let their husbands out on the same night for the draft.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Leaving a chunky sneeze on my shower wall to test my cleaning lady. I fear I am a terrible king.
Superman: Where's Batman? Wonder Woman: *shrugs* Firestorm: I dunno Green Lantern: ... Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can't fly again!!
I'm just hoping Angelina Jolie hooks-up with Val Kilmer... the "Vagelina" headlines would be priceless!
I'm not condescending! Try and count how many times I've been condescending! Exactly; you can't cause you're a dumbass.
What does it sound like when two old people have sex? Snap, crackle, pop.
My friend's kid just turned 7 and he's an amazing child and she loves him. To be blown away by more original content, please see Facebook
Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
Why You Should Never Be Late for a Speaking Engagement An important public speaking lesson wrapped up in a good, clean joke.
Don't understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
"We need to kill the terrorist NOW" But how.. "The human body is 70% water" Jesus, you know what to do *terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
The truth is out there; it just hasn't been indexed well.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, "someday I'll own a window this nice."
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or...
What does a Jewish pedophile say? L'Hymen!
When people see ghosts, why aren't they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Who do you call to clean up foul language? A cuss-todian!
The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
There are two pedophiles on a beach... one says to the other "get out of my son"
[alarm clock goes off] ok it's happening again it's a day and it's here again *googling* day again why how to unsubscribe days
Grammar is important. It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
*continues telling story that you've clearly indicated you've heard before*
What is 90-60-90? Speed while driving past a speed camera.
Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on  the map please ? Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now Louise who discovered Australia ? Pupil: Fred did !
A man goes to the library and asks for the book "Psycho the Rapist".. The librarian slaps him and says it's "Psychotherapist"!
What's the most casual crime you can commit? Shooting the breeze.
One thing I don't like about Twitter is that you can read something & think it's funny & only afterward realize it was written by a woman.
Have you heard about the digging poem? It's quite deep.
Anyone else able to tie rope using telekinesis? Thought knot.
Knock Knock. Who's There? Not Comcast.
A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside.
As a mark of respect to Prince... The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid. I for one intend to party like it's 19.99.
I was going to upload a gay joke on this sub. But fuck it.
What do you call a cow that's made out of glass? Steer Clear.
Check this one out: **1**
Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.
My dad is in the hospital, he needed to get some toes amputated because of his diabetes. He's been good about it. He says he's lactose intolerant.
angel: where'd all the zebras go? God: I put 'em in the desert angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow God: I know lol
You called me "muffin"....did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[i read a pun] me: ugh, no [i make a pun] me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn't catch on like they had hoped
How much time does a black woman takes to take out the trash? 9 months
My brother forgot his apple today. Until he was rear-ended by a doctor.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses a whole tube of chapstick before losing it.
Whats the difference between a feminist and a hockey player hockey player showers after 3 periods
What did saitama draw with a pen and a ruler One punchline
A soldier was assaulted with pepper spray and mustard gas. He returned home a seasoned veteran.
Darren Went to a Doctor to Get a Solution of Loose Motions.. Doctor : Tell Me, What is your Problem?? Darren : Suffering from Unlimited Free Outgoings with Different Different Ringtones...:-):-D
Who said losing weight was difficult? "Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?"
What is the real reason leaves fall to the ground? They know people will blow them.
What do you get when you take a needle to a balloon filled with yogurt? pop culture
"This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6'2". The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher? They are flexible.
If you don't like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person's problem.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you're naked! Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" *Hitler rubs chin* So mine less [Grammar Nazi busts in] "MINE FEWER" [Hitler looks up] Yes?
Why did the dog become a lawyer but the cat couldn't? The cat couldn't pass the "bark exam"
A message to all you deceased American voters... Vote Early, and Vote Often.
What do you call an Englishman with no butt? An assless chap.
Making love is like an unpredictable stock market If you don't pull out you're in deep shit
Why couldn't people find Joseph? He was Haydn!
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was out standing in his field! :D
Why couldn't the tampon twins get dates? They were both stuck up cunts!
What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head? I blame my shelf
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: Just the one. You want to make something of it eh?
Whats the best thing about dating Nicki Minaj? She won't fall in the toilet if you leave the seat up.
How do you titillate an ocelot? gay porn
It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If two vegans are arguing. Is it still considered beef?
If I ever want to hide something from my husband I'd put it in the dishwasher- he'd never look in there
Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet ? He wrecked three cars a bus and two fire engines !
Women often claim that men are 'only after one thing'. Nonsense. They have mouths and arseholes too.
Did you read the joke Hillary emailed to Obama? [deleted]
Mum: did you masturbate while showering again? Son: I'm cleaning it as fast as I like to!
The fact that we're supposed to reuse a vagina after a mini human has crawled out of it kinda bums me out.
isis was planning to use biological warfare against David Cameron... but they got anthrax mixed up with tampax and poisoned the wrong cunt
the day i feel like a real adult is the day i can wear a white shirt and keep it stain-free.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
let us remember today the most important immigrant refugee in all of history. that's right i'm talking about waldo from where's waldo
Why did Simba's Father die? He didn't mufasta
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta.... I'm doing well, but I do get cannellonli.
Hillary is single handedly taking on the pay gap. And here I thought all those speeches fees from Goldman Sachs were for political favour.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note* "Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne." *Santa grows very pale*
At an outdoorsy store a hunter asks an employee why anyone would want to buy camo longjohns The employee promptly replies, "They'll never see you coming!"
There's no one worse than the first person to give a standing ovation in a crowd forcing everyone else to get up and clap.
What do you call a woman who thinks she has the best rack in the world? [oc] Boobcocky
What type of luggage talks in short sentences? A brief case
Don't curse the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation
A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Han Solo asks Yoda, "Master Yoda, are we going the right way?" Yoda replies, "off course, we are"
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister: Have you ever seen a dead body? *casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
A guy at work just bought me ice cream and now we're making out. I've never been this intimate with ice cream before.
What's at the beginning of the rainbow? Refraction of sunlight in raindrops
Why did the guy get an erection when he saw a ruler? He had a foot fetish.
What did the cat... Say to the person? Nothing, because cats don't speak.
[meeting with boss] "I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday." "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!"
What's the difference between a feminist and incense sticks? Incense sticks make scents.
How to spell "me" A man walks up to a woman and asks her to spell the word "ME" for him. She says, "M-E". The man says, "But you forgot the D!" "But there's no "D" in "ME"!" He says, "Not yet.."
People can be so easy to read... ...like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.
A pedophile, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, and a zoophile walk into a bar. The bartender says "Get the fuck out."
When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."
That tornado damage your cow barn any? Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet!
"Who are we?" "Women!" "What do we want?" "We don't know!" "When do we want it?" "Now!"
There is a new virus which only affects Muslims.Where do they put the infected? In the Quran-tine room!
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on? Stop talking in secret code.
A guy came to my bar the other day and told me "hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?" . . I said "Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny".
Why are horses no fun? Because they are neigh-sayers
I bet Lady Gaga covers herself in glue and just rolls around in random objects.
Where did the Candian pirate live? Ont**ARR**io
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
What did Japan say when it heard the US had an atomic bomb? Did you make that Fermi?
so a comedian is sent out in war he ends up doing puns of damage to the enemy
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.
[TIL] Subway uses artificial chemicals to keep their bread fluffy! Ooops, wrong sub!
When my wife says "I don't want to talk about it" that's woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what "It" is
I love the way the earth rotates. It really makes my day.
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb? What, you don't know? Well I guess you weren't FUCKING THERE, MAN!
Whats the difference between a lentil and a chikpea? I wouldn't pay 200 to have a lentil on my face
How are 4chan and Tumblr alike? They usually announce a trigger warning before mentioning a school shooting
What do you call a cat that urinates in your shoes? Piss in boots Credit: My flatmate
*snorts a line of powdered milk* God damn it feels good to be healthy
Why did Susie drop her ice cream? Because she was hit by a bus.
Think most people would be both disappointed and relieved if they realized just how little other people care what they do.
Hey people who have the alarm noise as your ringtone, I'd like you to die.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
"Why do you always exchange your Canadian dollars to USD? It makes no sense!" "Well neither does the Canadian Mint!"
Person: Raise your glasses! Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If life gives you Melons... ...you may have dyslexia. (not my joke, but fun all the same)
My wife gives the best headache.
Women are always complaining that I make too many 'dick' jokes but I don't understand why. I mean, that's the only part of me guaranteed to make them laugh.
I dig, you dig, we dig. I dig, You dig, We dig, We dig, She dig, They dig. The poem may not be very beautiful, but at least it's deep.
Click bait I told you it was click bait
Did you know there's a bird named after a dildo? The wood pecker.
Did You Hear About the Man Who Went to The North Pole? He isn't doing so hot.
Did you hear what happened to the guy that only ate cake? He got his just desserts.
"We like the idea, we do. We're just afraid it's going to keep the viewer awake." - Sundance Channel execs
Q: What did the blind blonde say as she was  making love with her new boyfriend? A: "Funny you don't feel Jewish."
Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.
How did the autistic boy survive his jump from a plane? He was retarded
Kanye West hospitalised in Los Angeles. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers go out to... ...all the hospital staff.
What's the smartest cookie? Academia nut
How do you make soup gold? You put in fourteen carrots.
What's the mating call of a sorority girl? O My GOd! I am so drunk.
Nothing better than hearing that a couple who comments on each other's Facebook statuses broke up.
 What's the difference between me and my new couch? The couch pulls out...
You call it an unfinished window, I call it a draft.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
It's amazing that even 20 years later, pretending to shoot heroin with an mechanical pencil can still be a great way to procrastinate.
Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team  will be called "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to  say "It's not the Heat that's so bad it's the Humidity."
I once told a chemistry joke There was no reaction
What's the appropriate age to take the electric shock collar off your kid? My son's 10 years... hold on... OFF THE COUCH! brb... convulsing.
Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.
I was speaking to my friend He was telling me about a plan he had to change all the numbers in the world into roman numerals. I said "Not on my watch"
Brazil's congress. thats the joke, folks...
How does a psychic cokehead tell the future? With a magic 8-ball
Based on statistics The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style... The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
whats the difference between a baby and a sandwich? i dont fuck my sandwich before i eat it
*I throw my hat into the ring* Oh you wanna fight do ya? *I throw my pants into the ring* Pal this is gettin' weird *I throw my skin into th
How did the 3 legged frog get across the 4 lane freeway? Take the F out of Free, and the F out of way and you'll have your answer.
What's the difference between love and herpes? Love doesn't last forever.
Why did the priest cross the road ?? To screw in the children that were crossing the road
A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
I'm so glad that Twitter keeps track of my number of posts. It is so refreshing to be able to properly quantify my wasted time.
I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but this poor guy looks like he's running late to hockey practice. He already has his mask on.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
"Are you coming over?" "Yes, I'm coming over." "We should probably stop talking using the radios, over."
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as "all of it."
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.
What's the best machine at the gym? The vending machine.
r/jokes should have an allergy warning Cauition: may contain reposts
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Why did the skeleton cross the road? He had a bone to pick with his neighbour.
I've been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There's a really good article I think he should see
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying.
Me: Ur driving me crazy Crazy: Nah, I'm too drunk
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I've decided to get stronger.
Did you hear the dress at the center of the color debate is actually a type of "sex dress?" It's just a fucking dress.
I asked my secretary if she new the difference between a blow job and lunch she said no, so I offer to take her out to "lunch".
So my girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So I put her in a castle and sent some Italian plummer to find her.
Growing up, my dad hated cigarettes so much, He would burn them every time he saw one.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk
I think my girlfriend might be pregnant... ...I just laughed at a Dad joke.
Not to brag, but I was voted "Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal" by everyone who has ever met me.
Two most important rules of programming 1. Avoid repetitions 2. Avoid repetitions
mall santas make me mad becuase its like as if we need another reason to give jobs to old white men
How many debutants can you fit in ballroom at the Waldorf Astoria? [OC] Like, a cotillion of 'em.
Why is it Windows 10 and not 9? because 7 ate 9.
I found a company that describes your dick! microsoft
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college ? Bison.
In To A Bar. A priest, a rapist and a child molester walk into a bar. he orders a drink
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy makes your cock feel nice and makes you cum, a cunt is who owns the pussy.
My dream job is to be a mirror cleaner I think I could really see myself doing that.  \\_()_/ 
My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy? OOPS! GOT YOUR NOSE!
what kind of biscuit can fly? a PLANE biscuit
TIFU: I was called in to teach 6th grade math but ended up teaching 8th grade english Sorry, wrong sub.
Why is Reddit tired of the broken arms joke? Because it appears in every mother fucking thread
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.
I tried to change my password to 14days... The computer said it was two week.
All the single ladies (All the single ladies) All the single ladies (All the single ladies) Have cats.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
There are so many gay bars in San Francisco; It's hard to keep them all straight.
"I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again."
What has mass but doesn't take up space? The Catholic religion
Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world... ... Those who can count binary and those who can't.
I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.
What's the best part about having sex with a transsexual? Pretending it went all the way through
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
What starts with an A and has a boom at the end? Allahu akbar
What do you call it when alpacas with speech impediments take over Earth? The Alpacalisp.
I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".
If you're going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it's moving.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you're an adult!
Whenever I hear someone scream "Call an ambulance," I'm like, um, ever heard of email
TIFU by assigning a temporary history teacher to a math class Oops, wrong sub
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Cause Sheeran
Just straight up LIED to my dog's FACE (told him his breakfast looked "delicious")
My son just chewed gum during his entire bath. I eagerly await a cease-and-desist order from Burt Reynolds's attorney.
I wanted to change my Reddit password from Warriors into Cavs. But Reddit said Too weak
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!
Double Joke Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. ---------------------------------- "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Not Sally!"
How did Bob loose his job at the sperm bank? He was always drinking on the job
"First time caller, long time listener"Alexander Graham Bell
If Thor is a woman, what's next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there's doctors EVERYWHERE.
Why did David Schwimmer need ear drops? He had Schwimmer's ear.
Guys.You can't make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull meat out.
[tries to blow a kiss] Kiss: I have a boyfriend
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
You'd better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovakia.
People who call their loved ones "name"-kin As someone who is *actually* meta-kin, I find it really offensive.
What's the opposite of 4chan? 4chad
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
What do basic cave bitches wear? UGGA Boots
ants what has 2 legs, and eats ants? Uncles
ME: I hit my neighbors car. CAT: I killed my last 4 owners. ME: YOU CAN TALK! CAT: ... ME: Wait, what did you just say? CAT: *blinks*
What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken? Roost beef!
What is Alqueida's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
So we're on for next Friday? Perfect. I'll call you Thursday to reschedule.
The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor
Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.
Told my girlfriend to watch out! It might smell in the bathroom... She asked if I had used the air freshener. "yeah, I did" "Oh so it smells like shitrus." man she's funny.
I tried to make a joke about cults... But the punchline was too long.
"Mom, dad, I'm gay" *dad looks angry as heck* "Gay for women that is! haha, erm... i love me some vajimbos & those boob things yes siree"
A group of girls in our collage have chosen to turn into Bra-Burning feminists. All the boys intend to support this movement.
I wish people would stop making gay jokes Cum on guys!
What did Charlie Manson get his fiancee? A blood diamond... (doh!)
When everything else in life fails you, there's always Twitter.
When I was about 8, my mom would play hide and go seek with me.. She was really good, too. Mom, where are you?
Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.
I like my drinks like I like my women. Whatever's available.
How do camels have sex in the desert? They dry hump.
I finally found a thread where OP delivered! It was a boy.
I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My wife drew her eyebrows on a bit too high. When I told her, she looked surprised.
RIP time spent on Twitter.
Why did the blind couple get divorced? They couldn't see eye to eye
Whenever someone tells me they get a "high" from running, all I'm thinking is, "You've obviously never been high before."
A couple are having fun in bed..... Girl: Come over Boy: I'm coming over Girl: We should stop using walkie-talkies in bed, over.
What do you get when you put a knife in a babys ass? A hard on
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. Me: Yes, but do go on...
I hate racism and black people.
I'm finishing off this bottle of wine because you never know when an asteroid is gonna hit and I'd hate to waste the $6.49 I spent on it.
What did the judge say when a skunk entered the  courtroom? Answer: Odor Odor in the court!!!
What'd the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass
I just want to be rich enough that I don't have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
What do you call... two black guys who are fighting over a watermel.... Goddamit billy go fuck your sister in another room, pa is trying to tell a joke.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? please let me know... I have a terrible sense of humor!
What's the most embarrassed tree in the forest? Oak wood.
I own a struggling scuba shop ...my business is going under.
How does a Welshman find a sheep in a field of tall grass? Pleasing.
Why do indie kids suck at karate? They never got past the white belt.
Teacher: You're new here aren't you what's your name? Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
[dentist chair] how's school? *I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn't in my mouth* oh sorry *puts hand in my mouth* how's school?
Why did the bin lorry crash into a bunch of pedestrians? It was Bin-Laden
So my friend Greg recently changed his name to Gregory. I swear to god he's gonna re-Greg it.
How wonderful of you to... ...kick me when I'm down. You'd be a great LAPD officer.
People who matter don't judge, & people who judge, don't matter.
Shaved my girlfriend's cat. Think she'll take the hint?
I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD. And I'm like, YO.
Yo mama's so fat when she goes to Taco  Bell they run for the border !!
What did the ghost say to the prostitute? You're a horror!
What do you get when cross the Dukes of Hazzard car with K.I.T.T. ? General Lee speaking.
Feminine hygiene jokes are the worst form of humor Period.
Knock Knock.... Whose there... Fuck you.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - LAPD Barbie ...comes with two nightsticks in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.
I like my woman just like my cucumbers Pickled
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
A better name for everything bagels would be '3-5 things bagels'
If the hamburgler was black he'd be dead because mayor mccheese was basically rudy Giuliani
"I'm in the best shape of my life!" -Newborn baby
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn't work, carjacking does.
Why does the court never make mistakes about rape? Because it's always black on white.
My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep but the kids on his bus were screaming.
So I found a hair in my pasta.. AN ANGEL HAIR! lololol
Four Redditors... ...six opinions.
I'm great in bed; I can sleep for days.
Which of the Himalayas is the  shortest?
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair!
I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.
Tried to catch Sirrus and Achenar yesterday Myst :)
What was the best magic trick Osama Bin Laden ever pulled? He made the World Trade Center disappear.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like a choir boy
I bet coke addicts only get worse once they try the cherry kind.
[Chaperoning field trip] ME BEFORE WE GO: Only rule is don't lose any kids. AFTER I LOSE A KID: New rule. You're allowed to lose one kid.
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? I'm sorry, what?
[he picks me up on 1st date] Him: What do you have there? Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
What's the difference between traffic and strawberries? You can eat strawberry jam.
*walks into bank* THIS IS A ROBBERY *people drop to the floor* JUST KIDDING, BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE LISTENING *lowers guns* A TOMATO IS A FRUIT
Girl: We have a mayor. Do you? Horse: Sure! Girl: What do you call it? Horse: Same as you do. Mare!
Having more isn't always a good thing I mean, I have a cousin with more chromosomes....
Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.
What's a doll's favorite food? Barbie-Q!
I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know y
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don't have to suck my gut in.
Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward? Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.
Heard a 28yr old describe herself as old. Need help disposing of a body.
Wrote a joke. I wrote this joke- Where does Frankenstein's automobile go to rest..? Boris' Karl loft.
Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say he's a seasoned vet.
I used to have a problem watching internet pornography... but then I upgraded from dial-up to a cable modem.
I dressed up as an enema for Halloween It really scares the crap out of people.
I moustache you a question but I'm shavin' it for later  Sean Connery.
When Donald Trump talks about wanting to help 'the little guy' -- -- he means he needs a prescription for viagra.
Why did the pirate have to change wenches? His old one wouldn't let him swab her poop deck.
The Commonwealth Games: An excuse NOT to invite Russia, China and the USA.
3 types of people in this world of people in this world of people in this world of people in this world
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology? I'm like that, but with salad.
New drinking game: Draw a card, if it's black take a shot... I call it Ferguson.
So I fired my sit-down body guard today... Because he would not stand up for me
Protestant joke Q: How many Protestants does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they live in eternal darkness.
Q: What is a bus ? A: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Watching the Olympics. Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL! Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing wonderwall... I said maybe...
What do you call a gay dinosaur ? Mega-saur-ass
Why is modern wheat supperior to old wheat? it's bred and better!
"At least your heart's in the right place," I say, softly running my hand across a translucent take-out container.
I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?" I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."
Doctor Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.
When you want to stop the blacks from hanging around your store so much... cut them down.
What did Moses say to the guy who wanted a boat I Noah guy
Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.
Alderaan whoa this blew up
*cleans house while wife's out* W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so- M: APRIL FOOL'S *runs around making huge mess til it's worse than before*
It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book. A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It's a vast improvement.
cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks me: Getting rid of it? cw: Have to, why? me: Is cats it's only defect?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
When I was 8 years old.. My dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie. I miss Snowballs, she was such a good cat.
How do you know when your vegetables are boiled? Their wheelchair floats to the top.
Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.
A doctor tells his patient he's got only six months to live. But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives him another six months.
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common? 84% of their dna
What does Sherlock call his friends? His Holmies
A couple was having anal sex when he noticed something brown on his penis That was some fucked up shit.
Why'd the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.
Two Zulu's met in my shop today.. They just clicked.
Why shouldn't you gamble in Africa? Too many cheetahs..
What do a hippie-chick and a hockey player have in common? Both don't shower until after 3 periods.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, 'high ho.'
How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.
If earth is flat what's on the other side then? ADELE
Why do bees hum? Because they can't remember the lyrics
Did you hear about the ghost who went on safari?  He was a big-game haunter!
Running a custard factory has its challenges You really go through thick and thin.
What Has 75 Balls and Screws Old Ladies? Bingo.
What did the pope say when he spilled the sacramental wine? Do we have any papal towels?
What do Ethiopians do at night? Starve.
What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before marriage? Feyonce
Facebook needs a Drama of the day section in my news feed.
Archaeologists have discovered a mummy in Egypt encased in chocolate and surrounded by hazelnuts They are calling it "The Pharaoh Rocher"
"You may now kiss the bride" Wow this is the happiest day of- *dad flies by in hot air ballon* QUEEERR *throws football at my head*
A Short Joke jk
29 and 30 had a fight. 31.
What does soylent green taste like? It varies from person to person.
[college ad] High schoolers: You've sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
What's Mr. Skeltal's favorite candy? Dootsie rolls.
What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it? A coconut
I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.
"Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat." Dads in unison: "Nooooo!"
What's the difference between a crab with boobs and a bus filled with old people? One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
I Hate Watching Romantic Movies at the Cinema I hate watching romantic movies at the cinema because I'm the only one who laughs, especially at those crying in front of me.
What do you call an entertaining female's tone of voice? A fun gal inflection You're welcome
What do you call a Rastafarian Irishman? Eamon
Context is Everything The irony.
A man walks into a police station "My car has been stolen" he says laughingly. "Your car has been stolen, but why are you laughing then?" The officer says. "Because my wife was still in it!"
A masochist cried to a sadist: "Please hurt me! For the love of god, hurt me!" And the sadist said "no."
What do you call a one-legged asian woman? Irene
"You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss." - Discovery Channel executive
"I have a particular set of spills," Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt. He looks for a napkin but the last one's already been Taken.
What's the difference between a trump supporter and a newly adopted Siberian husky? The dog has the mental fortitude to realize he's just gotten owned by a Russian.
Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players' mouths has "rehydration specialist" listed on his LinkedIn profile?
What is the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
60th birthday Last year my mother should have been celebrating her 60th birthday, but because of drugs, alcohol and many hard years of addition. we all forgot...
If you are having anxiety over something you've said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.
Christmas jokes needed I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.
What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands? new gloves for the cold days
few things sound worse than getting smurfed in 3D
Why did the liontamer stop using WinZip? ...because lions only understand .rars
Is it blowjob, blow job, or blow-job? God, I hate writing thank you letters.
What happened when the 26th letter of the alphabet hit puberty? She got a Zebra.
I feel like Jesus... Is the kind of person to leave you hanging.
an Englishman , Irishman and Scotsman walk in to a bar the bar was set too low.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A chocolate BAA
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Have you heard about the new club with the gloryholes? It's just a little hole in the wall.
Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.
My friend doesn't like how I tell fat people jokes. I'm still not sure how their weight has to do with their sense of humor.
Have you heard about these new Oak woord, gold-finished coffins? Apparently they're to die for.
What type of bees make milk? BOOBIES!
Interviewer: Why did you Leave your last job? Candidate: The Company Shifted Their Office &amp; Didn't Tell me where it is....!!
Have you ever tried to do "The Dolphin" during sex? It's when you try and stick it in the butt and she shakes her head saying "eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh".
I've got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school. I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, "Look, boys..."
Why is today a trucker's favorite day? Cuz it's 10-4 GOOD BUDDY!!!
Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth? Our miscarriage.
What's the best way to prepare baby food? Shake'n bake.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Life is like a dozen roses... it's full of pricks!
As I get older, I only find that two body parts start hurting all the time. My back..... And my front.
How is giving oral sex similar to smoking a cigarette? The flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.
Just received an invitation to the local nudists club... I though why not, I've got nothing on.
What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would *never* let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.
Why are schools red? You would be too if you had 7 periods a day.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.
A 3-year old boy A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied.
When is booger not a booger? When it('s not).
A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
My Australian friend asked a Kiwi: "What's a Hindu?" "...it lays iggs."
I got a fishing pole for my wife I thought it was a pretty good trade.
"What sins have you committed?" Well... [20 minutes later] ... finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father? *vomiting sound*
Chelsea FC
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Why were the Indians here first? because they had reservations
No control I have no control. There is no escape. I don't even have a home. I think I should get a knew keyboard.
What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickleback.
Where do milk shakes come from? Nervous cows!
"911 whats ur emergency" omg im DYING "we'll send someone right awa" i met THE funiest guy "ok wait so ur not actualy" AND HE STABBED ME
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don't do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I'm more of a Coca-Cola person... soda speak.
"Live this Friday like it was your last."  The Mayans
*puts down window Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Yes *puts up window and drives away
I was late to a meeting traveling to West Virginia. I forgot to reset my watch to the mid 1800s.
Now that Benedict XVI is out of work... ...like all good celebs, he's releasing a fragrance. Expect to see Popepourri on the shelves this summer.
Have you ever tried Nigerian food? Neither have they.
What's gray and comes in quarts? Elephants
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ;)
I've got an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.
What do you call a cocktail of iced tea and skittles? A trayvon martini. Yeah I thought that joke might GARNER some negative attention. It was a 1/5 joke. 3/5 with RICE.
A fortune cookie told me I'd receive an important message soon. The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
There is a new car fragrance designed to look like the Joker... The fragrance? Tears of a clown.
Why areAfrican Americans high jumpers? Because when da white boy whipping dem, they'd jump really high from the pain like from Tom and Jerry
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
When women cry, their faces look like half-chewed Starbursts.
God said to John, "Come forth and recieve eternal life." But John came fifth, and received a toaster instead.
In light of Google becoming Alphabet, Gmail will be replaced with "Alpha Mail."
What do Hillary and Bill have in common? Both got screwed out of office
100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.
Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
How long is a pedicure? 2 feet.
Q: When is a pig not quite a pig? A: When it's oink-ognito.
If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
Why aren't ants going to church? Because they are in sects.
Why did the robot get the electric chair? Because he was charged with battery.
Some say putting helium in animals is wrong. I say whatever floats your goat.
The navigator of the Titanic dashed to the Captain's deck. Navigator: "Sir, if we keep heading that way we will hit the iceberg! We have to change course now!!" Captain: "but it's unsinkable."
I landed a really nice job at the local sperm bank But was soon after let go for drinking on the job.
Sad to think this is the tallest I'll ever be, barring some kind of awesome mutation.
Saturday wins "best day" 47,000th week in a row.
Q: Where does the catcher sit for dinner? A: Behind the plate.
I met a girl named Nirvana yesterday... I asked her "Did your parents give you than name while you were still In Utero?". She was like "What?".. I just shook my head and said "Nevermind...".
Best part about my homeless girlfriend.... she lets me play with her sweet cans
What kind of car does a cat drive? A Cadillac.
What does a fencing Redditor always do with their jokes? Ripostes them
What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker? Putin on the Ritz.
Joke about China [censored]
Murphy asked Paddy... Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got?" Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown
CRIMINAL: You can't arrest me if you can't see me. BABY COP: God damn, I wish I understood the concept of object permanence.
I asked my gf to get the paper for me... ...She said "Don't be silly, borrow my iPad". That spider never knew what hit it.
My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home." So he up and moved
I was in an elevator with the Easter bunny yesterday It was a hare raising experience.
Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch. My mum said there'd be days like this but she never said there'd be so many.
School of Terrorism, Suicide Bomber course... Instructor: *Alright pay attention class, I'm only gonna do this once.*
Russia and Ukraine. What did Russia say to Ukraine? Go Crimea River.
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the  bus.
What do you call a hooker in winter? A snowblower.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
How do you know when sex with a blonde is over? The car light comes on
Scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected. No one seems to care.
Romanian is not actually a nationality It's a profession.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups? *Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* "yes"
We're sorry, the number you have dialed... 911 has been changed to a non-published number. Please make a note of it.
I had planned to post a tennis joke But after asking around I figured you guys wouldn't luv it.
[taking FRIENDS quiz] 7. Which character do you most identify with? Ross 8. Which is your least favorite character? Ross
Why doesn't r/jokes like fencers? Because they always riposte.
What did the turkey eat for Christmas? Nothing, it was already stuffed!
Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm
9/10 people think that mobbing at work is okay...
What do you tell a Hockey player messing up with you... ... Stop pucking around
Why Republicans cannot swim as freely as they want? Dems!
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor ? Wheres my tractor!
I made my girlfriend cry the other day. I called her son a bloody disappointment. Apparently she's very sensitive about her miscarriage.
A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband doctor " she said. "He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "
Twitter. /twt.r/ (noun) Twit-ur: an omnidirectional toxic sludge pump for the lame and unfunny musings of the imbecilic masses.
He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar. 
The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.
Yo mamma so fat.. That she drowns in the dead sea!
Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.
I've just bought that new Lynx deodorant  breadcrumb edition. The birds can't get enough of me!
How are skunks able to avoid  danger? By using their instinks and common scents!
I have not ate, drink, slept, used the bathroom, or showered since last year. I have also not told this joke since last year.
What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head? Ray!
I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
I'm putting "open bar" on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn't mean u can skip it, slackers.
If u want to get out of a conversation in public just say "I've gotta take this" then steal the nearest for-sale item and get arrested.
A man walks into a bar... Another man ducks.
A joke is a lot like a dick A feminist cant take either
What does a baby computer call it's father? Data. Credit: Her (movie).
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants
[museum tour in the future] Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton get in a plane crash who survives? America Survives.
I always wanted to be a plumber when I grew up but in the end it was just a pipe dream.
What do you call a fat psychic? a four chin teller.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I didn't see you first.
Batman giving his Batmobile to robin Batman: Robin, im giving you my Batmobile. Robin: aww really batman? thanks! Batman: yes, its 555-522-8626
Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician? He worked it out with a pencil.
What starts with 'M', ends with 'arriage' and is a man's favorite thing A miscarriage
What's the smartest pizza? Combination with Nobel peppers.
Just bought a Subaru & it came with wet rescue dog nose marks on the windows, some pot & Whole Foods environmentally friendly shopping bags.
A man walks up to an attractive lady... A man walks up to an attractive lady and explains, "They say that 160,000 people are having sex right now. Want to make that 160,002?"
Can we please stop referring to them as "dick pics." I think "penis portraits" has a classy je ne sais quoi appeal.
I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
A genie grant a man two wishes Genie: What is your first wish? Jeff: I want to be Rich Genie: Okey, what is your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money
Are you a rollercoaster? *motions hands to be about a foot long* cuz im this tall to ride
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesarous
Could you please tell your mother to stop wearing so many different lip sticks? It's making my dick start to look like a rainbow.
What do you call a cunt squared? A box.
You're not cool if you have to tell people you're cool. I'm looking at you, Cool Whip.
Jokes about death penalty.. .. Are all about execution.
july 4th is my favorite holiday bc i can practice my Friends theme claps every time a firework explodes without anyone noticing
My father always said to me, if you build it, they will come'. That's why I now own my own strip club.
What did the librarian say to the travel agent? Find what you're booking for?
Don't click this post You'll reg-reddit
Political correctness gone mad. I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son. Apparently it's my "daughter."
I guess it's good Hillary didn't win... It would be kinda awkward for her to be sitting behind the desk that Monica was under.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump get into a car accident. Who survives? America
What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.
The snack that smiles back! Children!
What do people from West Virginia do on Halloween? Pump Kin
Did you hear about the woman who used a fake name and married a renown psychologist? She committed Frued. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.
What do women and hand grenades have in common? When you pull the ring off, your house goes away.
What is the biggest joke? Reddit.
I could never eat a vegan burger I don't believe in cannabalism
Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them
Why is Superman's costume so tight? Because it only comes in size 'S'
Did you hear that the CEO of Under Armour got in trouble with police recently? He was caught KEVIN, PLANKING, in a restricted area!
What's the difference between a gorrila pit and Mordor? One does not simply walk into Mordor
Why did the boy laugh when he was molested by a test? Because the testicles
Did you hear about that vampire that's never tasted blood? It's a little irony
If you drop a piano down a mine shaft what key does it play in? A flat minor
A guy with a wooden eyeball is self conscious... ...so he asks the homeliest girl at the ball if she would like to dance. She looks him straight in the face and says "would I?!"
what did little billy get when he stumbled upon r/twoxchromosome? Cancer.
Why doesn't Hillary Clinton work out? She doesn't want to Feel the Bern.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him... Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Wrong hole. No. Still the wrong hole. Only ONE in each hole! Ugh. Here! I'll show you. -Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
What do anal sex and eating your vegetables have in common? (NSFW) They're both things that if you're not forced to do them as a child, you likely won't enjoy as an adult.
A 747 just landed at Heathrow Airport in London. After the captain shutdown the engines you could still hear the whining.
I couldn't believe it when my wife said she was leaving me because I'm obsessed with The Monkees... Then I saw her face
I wanted to submit a Indian sports joke... But all it got was crickets.
What did Mario say to Yoshi when he started climbing the Cherry tree? (X-post r/landscaping) Yoshino!!!
"What are you getting this Christmas?" asked my friend. I said, "Fatter."
How did Micro-soft get it's name? Because Bill Gates has a 3.5 inch floppy
What do you call a vegan zombie? A no-brainer.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
What did the hippie say about all of the math problems? They're all, like, equal to me...
Can you describe the man who did this *me crying* "he was a meanie head" No describe his face, sir *clenches fist* "He had a stupid face"
Why do men finish first during sex? Because Adam came before Eve!
The best way to tell if a movie character is depressed is if there are a bunch of open chinese food containers sitting around
The other day I started making a belt by joining all my old watches together... ...but then I realised it would be a waist of time.
How do you use a philosophy degree in a professional context? *Why* would you like fries with that?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes. I tell her it's not London she has to worry about. I just injured myself on a potato.
Went to the dog car dealership. I could tell the salespeople were friendly, since I got all the Volkswagen at me!
[buys ghostbusters ringtone] ME: who ya gonna call? [1 hour later] ME: who ya gonna call?! [2 days later] ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
What do you call a monster with two wooden  heads? Edward Woodward.
I finally made something of myself It's a wad of hair and ear wax and snot sitting in the garbage can.
When I was a kid my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory I forget my response.
[Obamacare Meeting] *Biden raises hand* *Obama sighs* Yes Joe? Will the doctor still have lollipops? Sure. *Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle
You know that you are ghetto when you can fit 110 words into 140 characters.
What is a Queens job? She Queens and vacuums
Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in the United States and Mexico due to the roundhouse action related to eye loss in children.
How do you kill 200 flies at once? You slap an Ethiopian in the face.
*white girls at restaurant* *orders 5 course meal* *posts pictures of food onto Instagram* "Check! We're done here" *leaves without eating*
I wish people who made amateur porn would clean up their rooms first.
"Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria." "What's Updog?" "[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.
My therapist told me.. My therapist told me that I have a fear of confrontation. I didn't agree with her but I held my tongue in case it caused an argument.
What did the orphan get for Christmas? A family.
Why do arabs use Colgate before going to the airport? because it provides cavity protection
Breaking News: Criminal author gets 5 years in book case Check out his story!
I went to the funeral of the man who invented the throat lozenge. There was no coffin.
Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.
I want this guy to teach me to fish, but he keeps handing me lemons.
Newsreader: "And now Tom with the weather." Weatherman: "It's Tim, actually." Newsreader: "Sorry. And now Tom with the tim."
Why did princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo? Officer on doody.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
When you give someone a present, unless you say "open it", they're legally not allowed to look inside.
What do robots dip in salsa? Microchips
im thinking about submitting my butty cop movie script to miramax its about pee and his black sidekick poo
My questionnaire for teenage girls: 1. can you not 2. do you even 3. whatever
How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb? They don't change it. They just watch it burn out, then follow it around for another 15 years.
Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs
Why did Mary Poppins break both her legs? because she had Supercalifrajilistic Osteoporosis
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned *grammar nazi bites lip*
What does Lenny (of Mice and Men) do during foreplay? Heavy petting.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Why is there a sudden influx of vacuum jokes? They really suck
Why did the zombie cross the road? To get his guts back. My three year old made that one up, I though it was pretty good :)
Why was the geophysicist arrested? He was doing crystal math.
I get all of my news from "We Didn't Start The Fire"
ME to BF: "We need to talk about the future." BF: "what about it,you wanna talk about flying cars and robots and stuff?"
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Ian: "I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car." Tim: "You did what?!" Ian: "Baked you a pie."
An Apple computer walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, Mac?"
if a gay man inquires about something.... Is it a queery?
Jeb says hes good at fixing things and I don't doubt him... People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm *talkin* about.
Your face is the human equivalent of a blue screen Just came up with it, think its alright. Thoughts?
England are to have a new captain next week. His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the flight home.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller] [teller writes something, slides it back] NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Dropped some rice in water so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out
Please, if I ever offend you, it's because I meant to.
Santa and Banta Santa: Why did people stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson? Banta: Because people started licking the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes..
Did you hear about that rude homeless guy down the street? He made some roofless remarks.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they're never on Jeopardy?
A guy went to the doctor complaining of constipation But the doctor concluded he was full of shit
I don't understand all the Lady Gaga hate... she seems like such a nice guy.
This girl I'm currently seeing is very flexible, just what I like. She comes round every Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday.
My friend Phillip had his Lip removed... so now we just call him Phil.
How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for his Birthday? He felt his presents.
How many people with Alzheimer's does it take to screw in a light bulb? To get to the other side!
What do you call a prostitute after a 12 hour shift? A box of assorted creams.
I found out today that French fries were weren't created in France. They were created in Greece.
Jury awards $22 million to man locked in closet by East Cleveland police for four days with no food or toilet. R Kelly is going to sue the East Cleveland police for copyright infringement.
What do you call the style of facial hair native americans grow. A-Patch-ey Its all i got
What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Honk all you want, but if I don't eat these donuts at this green light I'll have to share them at home.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally took a ride on a dolphin? He's not sure if he did it on porpoise.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash. [Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
If you encounter a bear DON'T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Why did Einstein stop seeing his mistress? She fell in love and he didn't anticipate entanglement
So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I've never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.
How many Psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the light bulb and another to hold the penis...I mean ladder.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don't understand how weather works.
Why is a rat when it spins? The higher it flies, the much.
I like to buy books, but I never read them. I just want them for my shelf.
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON'T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I'LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!
1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D 2) Put them on your mantle 3) Invite dad over 4) Become favorite son
What did one butt cheek say to the other? If we stick together, we can stop this crap!
A man jaywalked and got the entire left side of his body ran over. He was all right
In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.
Why doesn't germaphobes masterbate ? Because they don't like all the germs that come with it.
I had sex in an orchard today. I came in cider.
I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today... He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.
The best way to eat Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
What do you call a baby Mexican? A paragraph because he's not quite an essay (ese)
STAYCATION DAY 1: Filled the birdbath with Nescafe just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
What do you call an unsuccessful Jewish pirate? Les Goldman
Hillary Is Like Francium... Take her *elect*ron away and she won't blow up have of America.
TRAVEL TIP: When you are alone in a hotel room with two beds, that means one bed is for eating on and one bed is for  sleeping on.
What do you call a gender reassigned person who has a baby? Transparent.
Woman without curves is like a road without bends.... You may get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell.
We grew up so poor we could only play Dungeons.
Did you hear about the butcher's assistant who ditched work to try out for the football team? He didn't make the cut.
I don't have a high opinion about myself when I play PC games... It's my low self on Steam.
What 2 books do white American boys enjoy reading on their way to school? The Catcher in the Rye and Cooking For Dummies.
I'm going to take a nap... Wake me up when September ends.
Get your rock star name, like Axl Rose did, by selecting a car part and then a flower. Mine is Crankshaft Tulip
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
Received definitive proof I'm going blind AND senile this morning as I just attempted to pinch zoom the newspaper.
A cowboy opens a German car dealership His business card says "Audi Partner"
What did one statue say to the other statue he hadn't seen in a while? "Statue bro?"
How many people from the future does it take to change a light bulb? The lightbulb works fine...
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my resume to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Let's walk barefoot on grass! -People who have never walked a dog
What's a skydiver's favorite spice? Ground cumin! As long as they aren't running out of thyme.
I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.
i have good and bad news Wife: Ok, the bad news? i didn't clean out the garage Wife:*sigh* the good news? [holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Did you see the gorgeous girl doing the taser demonstration? She was stunning.
I'm teaching 7 it's ok for a man to cry, & it's also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
What are Bill Gates latest projects? Needle upscaling and camel miniaturization.
HEY DUMMIES WHEN YOU SHAZAM A SONG YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THE PHONE UP BECAUSE ITS JUST A SONG AND SOUND GOES EVERYWHERE.
A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear.
First woman in space "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind." What's the problem? "Nothing." Please tell us. "I'm fine."
What do you call a Pokemon with a tiny head? Zikachu
Trump for president! There will be hell toupee
Had a fight with a janitor once, wiped the floor with him
I'm going to stop wearing cologne and taking showers... Because if I'm going to smell like an asshole, I'll do it all natural.
After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US has recently unleashed its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date... The American tourist!
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Why don't blind people skydive??? Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands? "I literally can't even."
Did you hear about the mute guy. I didn't either.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes.
What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out.
I got in touch with my inner self today That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Possessed by a demon? Need help? A 30-minute cardio exorcise should do the trick!
If you can't handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don't deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
The people who post to /r/jokes have zero sense of humor... Maybe it's a weird meta-humor thing....or maybe this is where everyone's creepy uncle hangs out
[spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon* Wife: Aww, thanks hun! Me: For what? W: Doing my dishes! M: Oh, I didn-- W: ... M: You're welcome.
Sometimes things are not what they appear. Just because I am sitting with an open book doesn't mean that I am studying.
How do you tune a fish? With its scales!
What did the redneck say after his girlfriend swallowed? You gots the purdiest tooth I ever comed across, Sis.
How many Trump protestors does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter. Trump protestors won't change anything.
What do you call an erection during a funeral? Mourning wood!
I took a shop class in high school... It didn't make me a better salesman, but I did learn how to build a franchise in a way I didn't anticipate.
My Phone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways
what do you call a black priest? HOLY SHIT!
"How's the wine?" "House red?" "Yes." *sips, swills, spits* "Wow it's got too much body." "Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first."
SPOILER ALERT: I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
What did Watson tell his friend when he was constipated? No shit Sherlock...
What animal should you never play cards with? A cheetah
ITALIAN MUSTACHES WHY DO MOST ITALIAN MEN HAVE MUSTACHES? A: SO THEY CAN LOOK LIKE MOM
I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's "adorable," but if I do, I'm "causing a disturbance" and "need to leave"? Whatever.
Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.
I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.
You hear of the movie about a girl's struggle during her time of the month? It won the award for the best period drama
Mother's may get a day, but shark's get a whole week! Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day. ...don't even get me started on black shark moms.
The reason for the increase in salty people in our generation is... due to how popular Sea-Sections have become in the recent years.
What do you call a cold puppy? A chili dog.
I hope you brought the divorce papers... Cuz your legs are about to be separated.
The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Why did Jack cross the road? Because he was bean stalked.....
Holocaust jokes aren't funny. My great grandfather died in Auschwitz. He fell off of a watch tower.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it
What's worse? Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else?
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
What prize did the dead body receive? Atrophy
What would happen if all Chinese people jumped off a chair, all at the same time? I don't know either, but you would need a reeeally big chair!
What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA? Well, kicked out of the zoo for starters.
A girl and her sugar daddy are in bed and she's about to orgasm... "Daddy I'm cumming!" "Hi Cumming, I'm dad"
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I've been conditioning a lot for this race
Who says time travel doesn't exist and we can't go back in time? America just did.
Why are most politicians in the closet or gay? Because they can only mandate.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher "can i use the bathroom?" "i don't know, CAN you?" *takes deep breath* *pisses all over teachers desk*
[The Price Is Right] Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right
What do you do after you licked the softest and sweetest puss in the world? You put it back in the crib.
WHAT DO WE WANT? If you have to ask, we're not telling you! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? We don't know! -Women's protest rally.
Out of all the things that go bump in the night... your parent's bed is definitely the scariest
Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are both on a sinking ship... Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are both on a sinking ship; both of them are drowning. Who gets saved?!? The answer: AMERICA!!!
How many Mexican clowns can you fit in a car? No, seriously. Cuz I bet it's a lot
My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
I told a wild dog to go away... It dingo anywhere.
Who was the sexiest woman in Greek myth? Actually, it was Medusa. One look from her made guys rock hard.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him.
So Cher has been told she only has weeks to live... ...if only she could turn back time.
I was feeling down the other day, so I threw some bleach over my Muslim friend... I thought it'd lighten Mahmood.
Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong? They're always in de Nile.
...walks into a bar... A golfer, a priest and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
What do you get when you cross a zebra with a flamingo? Some weeeeeeeird shit, man.
What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist
I asked my friend how he can date a fat chick... He says she's grown on him
They say when a man meets the right woman, he is complete. When a man meets the wrong woman is finished. When the right woman meets the wrong woman with the man, he is completely finished.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?
Why do you think that God hates fags rather than figs? Oh, I got confused; after all, they are both painful on the anus!
Why did Vana White run off the stage of Wheel of Fortune? She had a bowel movement during her vowel movement.
What do you call a slutty potato chip? A Free-to-lay
I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places today He told me not to go back to those places
I'm worried about DeNiro's mole.
I was going to make a joke about testicles But I better not. It seems to make people teste.
Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes? Because they're too high-strung. Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there.
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar? May I push your stool in?
When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is willing to play. Also, that you're not at a urinal. Also, that it's their nose.
What do you call a Russian with Tourette's syndrome? Yukanol Fukov
It's amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did the guy wear sweatpants to his prom? Strictly Ballroom.
I went to a child psychologist once. He was rubbish. He was only seven.
What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer? Ask the NSA for a backup.
What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster? Shellfish.
Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes. You know, cause they can't reach and all.
My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants... Guess I won't be needing those anymore.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
Back when I was a kid there was no internet so people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a cunt.
A couple split up over Christmas cause the man wanted a Playstation... Instead he got an ex-box
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
What is worse than getting a wrong call at 3 AM in the morning? Getting a right call.
What did the sign on the whorehouse say? Beat it, we're closed.
Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ. I meant to say she looks like her mother.
A screwdriver walks into a bar... The Bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The Screwdriver says, "You have a drink named Murray?"
I went to a Japanese restaurant and the noodles were disgusting. I guess you could say they were stone cold soba.
"Dave just showed up" Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations? *Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I'M DTF "Yeah I dunno"
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it] "I'm sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?"
[NSFW] What did the sperm cell say when it realized it had just been dumped into an ass, not a pussy? Oh, shit.
Two roommates were arguing... About who gets to use the microwave first. Then things started getting heated.
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
What did my roommate say when I asked him if he wanted to watch the movie The usual Suspects? Is it about black people?
How do you get four old ladies to yell "FUCK?" Get one to yell "BINGO!"
Let me be the Stud in your life. I already have the STD, all I'm missing is u.
How did the inventor of the car advertise his new "horse-less carriage"? He said it goes without a hitch!
I told my friend that he can do anything he puts his mind to... ...he told me to lick my own pussy.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
what's the main difference between r.kelly and your average redditor? there are some things r.kelly can't piss all over.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!? ME: ok wow now I'm conflicted
What's hard, long and has cum in it? A Cucumber...
The uncertain pirate replied... ..."Arrr maybe!"
Anybody hear about what happened when Nietzche died? Oh, well I guess it doesn't really matter anyway...
Why do you need sauce with sausages? Well if you didn't have the sauce then sausages would just be "a jizz"
Club Sandwiches... ...Not Seals
What do you call a body with no nose? Nobody knows!
Tim Vine came up to me. I said,"Hey, you're Time Vine!" He said,"My name's not Tim Vine, it's Timbuktu." He paused. "Sorry, I was miles away."
A woman flashed her tits at me today.... I just sat there and giggled like a school boy. Then she said to me " will you stop mucking around and check this lump, doctor."
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work* Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses...seen the coffeemaker?
What do you call a cat with 3 legs? A handicat
Why did the chicken cross the road? For fowl reasons.
Did anyone else see that episode of Scooby Doo where they unmask the villain only to find out it was someone else all along?
I'm just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
With Parkinsons... Every weight is shake weight!
Well I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Red lights, and I said, "Text and Facebook"
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said. I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
They say there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow But all I found was a drunk midget with loose change.
My friend went to the doctor... because he woke up and his penis was orange. The doctor took one look at it and said,"John you've been watching porn and eating cheetos again haven't you?"
Why doesn't the deaf have sex? They haven't heard about it.
Rum: "Drink me." Me: "No, I'll get a hangover." Rum: "Nah, you'll get funnier and better looking!" Me: "Really?" *drinks* Rum: "Sucker."
Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics They tested positive for WD40
if at first you dont suceed... ...then skydiving definitely isnt for you.
I saw my sister watching the show "Dexter" yesterday.. I thought it was a pretty weird show, but then again, I have seen stranger things on Netflix.
What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin? She quits counting.
Did you hear about the day your parents got married? It was so beautiful even the cake was in teirs.
How did the domestic goods feel when they were being shipped overseas? Tarrif-ied.
How did Kim Kardashian break the net? She sat on it.
What do you call a late teacher? Mr. Bus
Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You're Superman, handle your shit. This ain't a game, dawg.
A cannibal and her daughter are eating dinner... "Mommy! Mommy! I don't like daddy!" "Just eat your salad dear."
Getting caught I got caught jacking off at the store yesterday. But seriously, who pays for bug spray?
Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more? He kept trying to shave the princess.
I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't.... the steaks were too high.
When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
Religion is like farts... Everyone likes the smell of their own, but not someone doing it in their face. Hope it hasn't been said before :)
Muslim officials denounce gorilla warfare Calling it "absolutely harambe"
Why did the ordinary man eat all the magic mushrooms? Because he wanted to be a fungi.
Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.
Why did the cowboy get a Dachshund? Because someone once told him to "Get-a-long-little-doggie"
My time-travelling uncle died. RIP Robert Mack, 1968-1834
According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour.
Did you hear about the word that's changed in the dictionary? It means to make or become different.
What do you call someone who is open with their kids about their sex change? Transparent
Have you ever wondered where they got the name "Canada"? C, eh. N, eh. D, eh.
I posted a video of john Cena recently and set it to private.
What do you call a con-artist who minored in psychology? Sigmund Fraud
No thank you, I don't need a coaster. I won't be putting my drink down.
I'm not saying she's a slut... But she's been banged more times than the first pipe on flappy bird
What does one tectonics plate say to another after an earthquake? It's not your fault.
What's red and has two legs? Half a cat
On a scale of 1 to 10 on the hungover scale I'm at "can't handle this conversation with my mom about a hickey."
NASA just released a statement that on Dec.21 at 4:30PM, it will start to get dark in New York City. They're calling it "sunset".
Why Does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? He uses only the finest ingredients.
I'm done making racist jokes.. Because racism is a crime and crimes are for black people.
Dear Redditors. Sad news today. The guy who invented beastiallity drowned yesterday. He sleeps with the fishes now.
There's so many things trendy now that haven't been popular for a century now... Beards, suspenders, home-births, natural produce, measles...
School Jokes The mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first at school?" The daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe
The punchline was in the title Why did all the redditors downvote the joke?
Why did the snowman leave his wife? Because she got plowed by another man.
The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Why did the blind Jew hate driving in Germany? When it came to speed bumps, he did nazi them coming
How do you get a hippy chick pregnant? Cum on her birkenstocks and let the flies do the rest
Why does the man go to the beach when he's hungry? Because of the sand which is there.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree? a porcupine
*dumps Gatorade on an alligator* How does your family taste you green piece of shit
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don't know. I'm still working it out.
Too drowsy to operate heavy machinery. Moving on to light firearms.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? Neither has he.
Why did the Jewish woman cry when she was forced to pay the full price? Because she could not avoid the whole cost.
The doctor tells his patient, "Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking." The patient asks, "Should I come back when you've sobered up?
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.
A priest, a rabbi and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender looks over and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
The dyslexic jkoe A dyslexic man walked into a bra
A young boy asks him mum why his cousin is named Diamond... His mother replies "because your auntie loves Diamonds" He replies "what about me?" She responds "enough question Richard"
So, since The Earth is the third Planet of our Solar System, that would make us all from ''Third World Countries.''
What do you get if you cross a student and  an alien ? Something from another universe -ity !
What do you call an Italian with one arm? Speech impaired.
A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff Baa-Dumm-Tsss
What comes after huehuehue? satsatsat lumlumlum
What was Michael Jackson's favourite musical key? A Minor
I don't have any white friends, so I guess you could call me... crackalackin
What's a hipster's favorite painkiller? It's a local anthesisia anesthesia, you've probably never heard of it.
My co worker just asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire.
What's the difference between an Israeli terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can reason with the terrorist!
I hate being bi-polar... It's awesome!
Customer: That crust on the apple pie was too tough. Waiter: That wasn't the crust that was the pie plate.
I always hated weddings... I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
Men get frustrated because they don't understand how women think. Women get frustrated because they understand how men  think.
Did you hear the one about the subatomic particle that refused to pay the bus fare? It just lepton.
What did a pirate say to fellow pirate? Are you seeding?
The Hurricane by Rufus Blownoff
Why is sex with 92 year olds tiring? Because there is 90 of them...
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke. We are in a serious relationship.
What does Shakespeare's dog eat? Iambs!
What is the worst part about breaking up with a japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice.
what do you call a girl in Georgia that can outrun her brothers? A Virgin.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
A horse walks into a bar .. .. as Miranda and Samantha were already waiting, Charlotte was running late.
My wife is on a tropical food diet and the house if full of the stuff... It's enough to make a mango crazy.
I know what your girl wants for her birthday. Deez nuts. Ha! Got em!
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY January 2: [works out] Jan 3: [kind of works out] Jan 4: [too busy to work out] Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
What did the tuba say to the clarinet? Nothing, instruments don't talk.
My sexual desires have been getting out of control... But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
Why a fruit doesn't walk? Because fruit flies
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.
I've been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian.
What does Peter Gabriel sing on the toilet? I am the extruder...
It looks like the last informal G20 took place in Panama.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car, Throw you off a street so high, Hope you break your neck and die.
If I answer you with my voice two octaves higher than normal, "whaaaaat?!" then one octave lower than normal, "noooooo," the answer was yes.
I hate having closure, it's really
Everyone is like happy 2016 and Apple is like: Happy 2015s!
President Trump! What about the aliens from space? We need a ROOF!
Dis'se I've contracted a disease.
Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying
whatever you do Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
I made a model aircraft. I wanted it to be an unpainted smooth finish wooden aircraft. So I made a plain planed plane plane.
Why are aliens bad at high-fives? Because they always klingon!
We all exist due to a radioactive explosion that formed the universe and with endless posibilities... ...you're sitting on your computer reading jokes on the internet.
My kids are teenagers, and I've found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Why did the console player get sick in the art gallery? There were too many frames.
I wonder how many Viagra induced unrequited boners go home from the bar or club staring up at their owners in complete dismay?
Nice tan, what's your race? Carrot?
I'm gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
History exam Today during history exam, I got a question about the Spanish Inquisition. I wasn't expecting that.
i show up at the range wearing a t-shirt that says "I Wont Wear The Earplugs" and i m promptly directed back to my car by staff members
Why did the comedian go to the dog pound? To work on his put-downs.
Why don't sharks bite lawyers? Professional Courtesy.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl? An Alley-Gator
What did Marily Monroe and Lee Harvey Oswald have in common? They both banged JFK
My "Sleep Number" is vodka.
"Dad I'm gay..." "Hi gay, I'm dad"
How can you tell if your water is about to break? Someone from Flint puts a glass between your legs
I just got a bunch of cool apps and games for my Windows Phone
mankind tried to Make Fire by banging 2 Rocks together.. All It got was Stone Cold
GOD: it's time I punished the humans again JESUS: cool. flood or plague? GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I've something way worse in mind..
Why can't a soldier look wistfully across the horizon? Because there are no gaze in the military
Micheal Jackson If my friend Djax ever had a son and he would call him Micheal, It would be Micheal, Djax' son.
My girlfriend keeps mixing up the names of the characters from the X-files. If she does it again, I'm gonna sculder!
They say kill 'em with kindness but it's much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
One party-loving millionaire tried to win his ex back And you won't believe how!
Most Offensive Joke Ever People say that there's safety in numbers. Yeah? Tell that to 6 million Jews.
Why did the music critic compare the song to a foul-mouthed mixture of sand and wind? Because it was Da-rude Sandstorm
"i like the little round slices of shitty hard bread in chex mix. that's actually my favorite part" -a monster
What do we want? A CURE FOR PARANOIA When do we want it? WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
If two vegetarians fight.... Do they have beef?
People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.
What do you call a mathematician at the beach? A tan gent.
Atleast my crippling depression keeps me going I'm a real self-loathivator
Life is like a box of chocolates... It'll kill your dog.
Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium **BATMAN! **
There are two types of people in the world And I hate them.
(fully aware that i am always more tired after a nap than i was before) this time will be different
What's black and white and can't go through a revolving door? A zebra with a spear through its head.
Advice in elections How do you win an election? By giving out candy
What did the Challenger Austronaut day to his wife before he left? "You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes."
How does a feminist screw in a light bulb? She doesn't, she just holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
How do you call two guys on a motocycle? Fucking morons; they could have stolen two motocycles!
Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove.
Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I'm going to prison.
Sometimes I take my pet skunk to department stores and let him spray himself all over the perfume girls.
Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let's just say it gave me diaghetti.
I feel like this election ended up being a good thing for Hilary Clinton. At least now she knows what it feels like to get fucked by the president.
Biker mimes If a group of mimes forms a motorcycle gang.... Do they have to drive electric bikes?
Everyone should learn how to masturbate properly. It comes in handy
Walking a straight line and tweeting is hard enough without this asshole shining a flashlight in my eyes.
Women are like credit cards The ones I really want have a low interest and won't qualify me, so I get stuck with one that has a high interest, extra fees and no rewards. *(credit: Uncyclopedia)*
I was told a good joke at a New Year party... Hillary Clinton
There is a thin line between a numerator and denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Pickup line Call me Willy Wanka and let me stick it in your chocolate factory.
Sometimes when i don't want my wife to find something I Put it in her purse
I.. I.. Just... :( A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I've never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I like my women how I like my coffee I don't like coffee.
Some people should be recalled.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Ehh, never mind. It's tearable.
does anybody have any funny quotes from the new Anchorman movie that they'd like to share for the next seven to eight years
Why was Miss Piggy sick for her show? There was a frog in her throat.
what's the difference.... ..... between a vagina and a refrigerator? refrigerators don't fart when you pull out your meat
I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
"Hey, wanna get hunted down by humans?" "Sure, I'm game."
Why do many people call my penis the 'Big Mac'? Because it doesn't look as good or as big as it did in the adverts. :(
Why was the lightning bug unhappy? Because her children were not very bright.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I've only had an apple for lunch but I can't throw my chair at him
What did the dentist say to the  computer?...This won't hurt a byte
Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.
The weatherman said it's nice outside. I guess they don't let him watch the rest of the news.
Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
Brokeback Mountain pretty much ruined camping as a male bonding activity for straight guys.
What is brown all around and looks good on a motorcyclist? A coffin.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room.
I take all of my relationship advice from Animal Planet.
What happens when a linguist gets sick? Plosive diarrhea
I just feel like you shouldn't be using a selfie stick unless you're a T-Rex.
There's a spoiler in the description. There's a spoiler in the title.
I'm single by choice. Just not my choice.
What's the easiest way to perform an exorcism? You beat the hell out of them
THINGS CHICKS DIG: 1. Popcorn 2. Puppy dogs 3. I can't think of anything else, I'm very bad with women.
Crazy how Hillary Clinton could possibly be our first F President... I would've said Female President but someone deleted the emale.
What happens when you mix a joke and a rhetorical question?
I can't afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I'm wearing them.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.
Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls? Family reunions.
As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We're 21st-century cavemen.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
A trucker cheated to win a poker tournament... It was a big rig.
Adding anyone comment need to no my safari
TIFU Reverse Cowgirl
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person. So I can get a better girlfriend.
[asking a girl out] ME: So do you have a dog? HER: Yes, I do. She's very playful. ME: *nervously* Do you know if she's busy later?
My gynecologist didn't think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
What do blind people think of a basketball? It's a never ending story.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, lets have a dual. I'll give you the advantage; you get to use the pen.
What did the perverted frog say? Rub-it!
Have you ever seen Ray Chales  Wife? Neither has he.
Whats a zombie's favorite drink? Egg noggin.
Where do the stormtroopers like to eat? At the Bo Buffet
"Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?" I protest as I'm dragged out of Ikea
Why were the dyslexic lesbians frustrated? They kept trying 96 but couldn't make each other cum.
What was the suicide bomber greeted by in the afterlife? A group of 40 other suicide bombers.
What do you call a fat physic? A four-chin teller
How many blonde jokes exist? One. This one. The rest are all true.
I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class... It's about thyme
I like long walks away from everyone
What's the worst part about cumming in 2 mintues? Spooning.
I decided to switch to a new barber My current barber just isn't cutting it.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
That moment when the music stops playing at the gym and the whole room sounds like gay porn.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.
Baby you are like a white dwarf star.... Extremely hot but not very bright
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
So, a bird flies in front of a pitcher and gets hit by a baseball. What do the umpires rule it? Fowl ball
Did you hear about the procrastinating dictator? He was stalin.
Bouncer: ID please Me: I got socks for Christmas Bouncer: ...okay Me: and I'm genuinely happy about it Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Why do you like little kids...? They have to use TWO hands.
What is the best remedy for cough? A laxative.
What do deer and women have in common? The hornier, the better!
Just once I'd like someone to call me "ma'am" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave"
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!
What do Polish Hussars and toothpaste have in common? They both fight against Tartars.
I only use them to look at women, so I like to call them heteronoculars.
I have nothing against gynecologists... I just don't like them in genital.
I just got a great deal on a Ray Rice jersey The price couldn't be beat
Vladislav? ... .. Baby don't hurt me, Don't hurt me, no more
Bill Cosby's business card... Sorry I missed you, I was in while you were out.
I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
Woah, woah! Lets see some I.D., Kid! LOLZ!! Just kidding! Press that button and come on in! -Adult Websites
Dear iPhone, I have typed "haha" like a million times, but yet you continually give me "haga", "hsha", "gaga", "hahss", "hahs" I hate you
Why did the walrus goto the tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.
Life's like a box of chocolates It don't last long for fat people.
My new years resolution is not to be a dick, you dicks.
What does a sick bird need? Tweetment.
A seal walks into a bar... And the bartender says "what will it be?" The seal replies "I'm fine with anything as long as it's not Canadian club."
Did you watch the movie constipation? It never came out.
What do Romans use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars.
My cocaine is so white Police let it go with a warning
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?  A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead.
I eat slowly, so I can't ever live in Moscow. Everyone's Russian there.
the best feeling in the world is when someone u hate tells a joke and nobody laughs
It remains a puzzle... ...why a bra is singular and panties are plural.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.
What are Germans most thankful for on the internet? Danke Memes
Go to subway and order the Jared Fogle. 38 year old meat between 10 year old buns.
a man (almost) worked at google A man went for a job interview at google. When he got the job, he got up and shouted "YAHOO!" the man was fired immediately.
My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My wife told me she'll leave me if I go blind. I guess I'll just have to see.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side (as in, heaven). Congrats you've just learned why that joke is that joke. Have a good day, faggot.
What is the wettest animal in the forest? The raindeer.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional. 
Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school Son: oh now I get it Dad: get what? Son: why you didn't make it to university
How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house? The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to get out of the driveway.
How do you write "DO NOT TOUCH" in braille ?
Who named the Sperm Whales? Seamen.
Why do pirates like birthday parties? Doubloons.
Straight girls are like spaghetti... Only straight until they get wet.
What goes "Vroom!..screech..Vroom!..screech"? A blonde at a flashing red light.
My girlfriend didn't like my penis at first... ... but then it grew on her.
Sam Adams is the main reason I know what season it is.
If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can i call him Napkin?
I don't remember 6th grade science being this hard. But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn't trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine.
What's the best blood type? Blood that is circulating.
The shutter speed of the iPhone 6's camera is so high... ...it can take a pic of a woman with her mouth shut
What's Scotland's BIGGEST cause of depression? Lonely ness.
Why did the germ cross the microscope To get to the other slide
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it's not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Success is just like being pregnant.
What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people "the last thing the police need is spectators"
Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive
What did the dough say to the baker? You, knead me.
The cleaning lady refused to mop or sweep "Floors are beneath me" she explained.
What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales? One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
This isn't rain, it's God slaughtering a giant cloud.
What do you call a man who opens the car door for  you? A chauffeur.
So I was driving Sasha Grey to a porno shoot and I asked her where I should park She said right in the g-spot
I invented a new word: *Zygorepostalgia* It's the feeling you get when you see the same joke reposted more than once in the same day and realize it wasn't funny the first time either.
What's Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft.
Who are the fastest readers? 9/11 victims- 100 storeys in 10 seconds
I'm 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I went on an extreme camping trip... It was in tents.
What's a porn stars favorite golf course? The inter course
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She'll have cereal.
a toast to wives...girlfriends and lovers... may they never meet...
Why did the woman fire her masseuse? He just rubbed her the wrong way
NEWSFLASH: Billy Corgan has permanently lost his voice, and can only lip sync his songs... Going forward his band will be known as 'DUBSMASHING PUMPKINS'.
I said 'no' to drugs But I don't think they're listening
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
In 2050 old men will say bae'
Always trust your dog's first impression of someone.
Made yah look.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
What is long, green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
What kind of pie can fly? A Magpie.
If i had $1 for every time i got called beautiful.. I'd have $1. Thanks mom.
My friend told me he was going to live underground. I said to gopher it
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I decided to freeze myself at -273.15 degrees Celsius My friends think I'm crazy, but I think I'll be 0K
I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.
[OC] Got approved for a 15 year 3.25% Mortgage loan 4.20 was too high for a 30 year ....... sorry I'll see myself out.
I tripped over a bra today I think it was booby trapped
"Phone Call to My Dad" feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background
FLOTUS is an unfortunate acronym, like something left in the toilet bowl.
Filming my own version of "Taken" using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I want to invent an intravenous drug. I will name it Lord's Name, and people will be taking the Lord's Name in vein.
Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It's like they are cramming for their final exam.
"Hey, we're wearing the same shoes," I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My mothers favorite Knock-Knock Joke Her : Knock-knock Me : Who's there? Her : Iwannaeatmahp Me : Iwannaeatmahp who? Her : Hahaha! You wanna eat your poo?!
What turns on mathematicians Big quantitties.
If you make a new sex position, do you get to name it? If so, I'll call it The Laptop. Internet required, partner is not.
Sometimes I wish I were an octopus... so that I could slap 8 people at once.
What do you call a white supremacist with an IQ of 56? Gifted.
What's the absolute worst city to live in? An atroCITY.
A man pushed his wife off a building... I guess you could say they FELL APART!
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Green Day released a new politically fuelled single today called "Wake Me Up When November Ends" T___T
So they made the essay optional for the new SAT test... but isn't the SAT without the essay just the T
What did Scooby Doo ask Shaggy for to order online porn? A Reddit card
How Many Feminists Does it Take to Change a Light bulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change a thing.
Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTILER 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Did you read..........Spine, Lither, Ginger and Subtext?
Why do people call their weed the Koran? Because if your burn it, it gets you stoned
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Aaron Hernandez just got convicted...... From Tight End to now Wide receiver
Did you hear that the sine function left home? He still comes home periodically.
Schizophrenia I`m in two minds about it
The other day I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall... He was a little condescending
How can you tell if someone is vegan? They'll tell you
WHAT'S BETTER THAN A ROADMAN!!!!!!??? A ROADMAP!!!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn't hand out drugs.
What did the homeless guy eat after he dropped his hamburger? Ground beef
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off...
A blonde walks into the doctors and explains that she is unable to drink coffee without getting a severe pain in her eye. The doctor replies; "Maybe take the spoon out before you try drinking it"
My sense of humor is kind of like third world countries at night... dark.
What separates man from animals? According to Donald Trump, the wall he is going to build.
I took adderall next to a box of fortune cookies... And now I'm fluent in Chinese.
[bank] Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN! Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a joke Robber: No I mean- Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
How can you tell if a redneck is on her period? You can see the blood on the tip of her dad's penis.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and declare 'Drugs' the winner of the war on drugs.
Yo mama is so fat...that she broke a branch in her family tree!
Raise your hands if you just completed a gymnastics routine.
Twitter drama doesn't have anything on LinkedIn drama.
There was a guy so dumb, that one time drug dealers sent him to Colombia to bring coke He brought back Pepsi
The Soviet Cycle of Procrastination First, you are Putin down your work. Then, you are Stalin for time. Finally, you are Russian to finish.
So a pregnant patient came in to the hospital after a 'huge gush of fluid'... So I asked if el nino or la nina was coming.
Why can't Buddhists vacuum under the couch? Because they have no attachments.
Did you hear about the gay Irish couple... ...names were Michael Fitzpatrick, and Patrick Fitzmichael.
What goes Black-White, Black-White, Black-White? A panda bear rolling down a hill.
Wanna hear a joke about ebola? never mind, you probably won't get it.
my friend told me on first dates i should just "be myself" and "be confident" and i was like "ok but which one?"
The more you run over a cat... the flatter it gets.
I got a starfish for a pet It was a no-brainer.
I got a blow up doll, that was Made in Baghdad Problem is... it blew itself up
Last night a girl told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... So I fucked her twice and punched her in the head.
[talking to life insurance agent] Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Why is Edward Snowden stuck in Russia? Because he's snowed-in
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Knock knock _Who's there?_ Armageddon _Armageddon who?_ Armageddon too old for this shit!
Why doesn't Ann Coulter have children? You can't make babies by fucking an asshole.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool* *skinny dips to be on the safe side*
It's funny how dogs can lick their own balls... it's so hard for me to do that, they start barking at me before i get anywhere near them.
What's the difference between novocaine and an index finger? One's a digit divisible by two, the other is a prime number.
Yo mama ... Yo mama is so fat that when she plays agar.io she's already on top of the leader board
What do you call a camel with no humps? *Humphrey!*
A man asked his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery?" She said "take half and leave your ass." "Good," he replied. I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out."
What's blue and hangs from a tree in my yard? Its my nigger, I can paint him whatever color I want.
What's the name of the new shawarma restaurant in Neverland? Pita Pan
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
What has two O's and fires? A double-vowel shotgun.
I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust. It's just wrong. Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
What are you if you hide eggs at nice places eggspert.
Today I masturbated 8 times! A personal record for me... In my defence Schindler's list was a long film
"EYES! EYES, BABYYYYYYY!" - zombie Vanilla Ice, snacking.
What kind of gay sex are u havung http://youtu.be/KWOk0xh_dV8
How many Sand People does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows. They ride single file to hide their numbers.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice. (Sorry for old joke)
Can somebody explain to me why we still use coins? Really, it doesn't make cents.
[NSFW] What do people in Arkansas say after having sex? Get off me pa you're crushing my smokes
Drinking Light Beer is like going down on your sister.. it tastes the same, but just isn't right.
Bird Seeds 1. Go to the pet store 2. Buy Bird seeds 3. Ask the cashier how long it will take for the birds to grow 4. ??? 5. Profit
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist!
A psychic dwarf escaped an institution for the criminally insane... It took police weeks to track down the small medium at large.
If you see a profile pic with 1 fat girl and 1 pretty girl and can't figure out who's profile it is, make no mistakes... it's the fat one's.
To the women who keeps waking me up at 3AM by pounding on my door: I'm not letting you out.
How come reddit posters have no babies? Because OP never delivers.
Can February march? No, but April may.
I can never remember if X is hug and O is kiss or if it's the other way around, so sorry if our tic-tac-toe game starts off a little weird.
So, my Doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating... I asked "Why?" and she replied, "because I'm trying to examine you!"
What would Ed Sheeran taste like on a piece of toast? gingerbread
My mother didn't want me to go to culinary school. She said it would be a high whisk environment.
I once asked my friend from New Zealand to count how many girlfriends he's had Shortly after attempting to do so, he fell asleep.
*Obama approaches podium* Fellow Americans, I like cookies with raisins in them *press starts booing* They're good & healthy *Michelle nods*
Groundhog Day The Groundhog saw dead people, so we're due six more weeks of creepy Nationwide Commercials...
Orange juice factory Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate
Did you know that Subaru used to be called Subalu? But then it moved to Japan.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed... How could anyone stoop so low?
How do you stay warm outside in the winter? You just stand in a corner, they are usually around 90 degrees.
Nice guys don't finish last.. They finish alone in the shower.
Nothing ruins a Friday more... ...than realizing that today is Tuesday.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
What do you call an upbeat and reasonable fortune teller? A happy medium.
NEVER shake a baby. Unless you think it might have money in it.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
What do you get when you cross a monastery with a convent? A cloister fuck, obviously.
So a blind guy walks into a bar... We had to call an ambulance for the poor guy.
Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
Kurt Cobain shot himself because he couldn't live with the guilt of drowning 18 babies to get 1 usable photo for an album cover.
What do you call a black man in a tree? Branch Manager
What's pasty, white, and bounces up and down in a crib? My ass.
Did you know... Jesus invented cross-training
What did the cheese maker say when his vat got dumped to the floor? That's no gouda
Hi, Faithbook! itfs  Mike Tyson
A patatoe is walking down a hallway When suddenly he Stubbs his toe and screams "OUCH I stubbed my potaTOES"
What do you call a Jamaican Proctologist? Pokemon
The Baltimore Ravens
Why no, stranger, I CAN'T believe how early it gets dark now despite the fact this phenomena has occurred every single year of my existence.
Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.
What did terrorists used to call Fidel Castro? Infidel Castro
Ordered ribs so I'd have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Why was the Egyptian boy confused? Because his daddy was a mummy
I stayed up all night... Trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia
What is a paradox? A small medical clinic.
I like my women how I like my Christmas trees. Illegally taken in the forest.
I had to stop eating clocks, it was too time consuming.
See the problem with the left is that... the wrong people are getting the abortions.
I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire... I've only got Ash now.
Why are no murders solved in West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth.
If I got a dollar everytime someone called me a racist Black people would rob me
I bet Jane didn't know Tarzan swings both ways.
Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks "wanna hear something amazing?"
Poor Jared Fogle The prison Jared Fogle is housed in announced they were serving hot virgin Tom &amp; Jerry's Christmas Day, imagine his disappointment.
How many black guys does it take to do the work of one white guy? It depends on how big his plantation is.
My wife said to me "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I answered "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
Why Do Tigers Have Stripes? Because They Don't Want To Be Spotted
How many blondes does it take to fix a lightbulb? A lot, because they're fucking stupid.
Most fucked up joke I ever heard (nsfw) The moment when you eat out your grandma, taste horse semen and think to yourself "So this must be how she died".
What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose? One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny
Some guy just stole my wallet. He's now the poorest man in town.
Why did Peter Parker get fired? He spent all day on the web.
Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?! Only once though.....
I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use? Uniball.
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I'd make a terrible midwife.
What is an army of blue babies on horseback called? A navy infantry cavalry
Cop: What's the hurry? Me: Nothing officer - Just didn't want to slow you down. Cop: I was pulling you over. Me: Well I get that. Now.
"Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)" *pulls wand from pocket* "I haven't been happy in years"
January 27th is Mozart's birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old. Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
When it comes to making Pokemon puns you could say I'm Machamp
My wife said she had a doctor's appointment at 2:30. I asked her if she was sure it wasn't a dentist's appointment.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Anal with my girl friend made my whole day.. [NSFW] .. But it made her hole weak.
When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm? Intermittenly.
Weird scene in The Hobbit where Peter Jackson walks through the middle of the set and takes a 45-minute shit with the door open.
Wanna hear an Ebola joke? You probably won't get it.
Hayao Miyazaki retired That's it. The guy is quit the troll.
I decided to start working at a bakery... I knead the dough.
What does an epileptic vegetarian eat? Seizure Salad
I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years... .... so her dad was very surprised when I proposed. He had no idea I was gay.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn't see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I've really got into dating black chicks recently. Not because they take my fancy but I'm really bad at meeting the dad.
Reddit is like a box of chocolates It's the same shit over and over
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...
TIL: Diarrhea is hereditary... It runs in your jeans.
What did batman say to the joker when he finally caught him? Gotham
I Can control sheep just by listening to them I herd it with my own ears
My ceramics teacher was excellent. Day after day, she was always kiln it.
what idiot caled it "king arthur adn the knigts of the roumd table" insted of a "circumference sir conference"
Cheer up grumpy asthmatics by replacing the gas in their inhalers with helium.
What is the network admin favourite lullaby? Mary had a little LAN
Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education! 
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
A prankster draws glasses on all the photos In Lois Lanes family photo album... Lois Lane: "this is not my family photo album!"
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe. I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe!
Why didn't Hitler ever order a french dip? Because he hates au jus.
What is it about public bathrooms that brings out the white supremacist artist in people?
Three men walked into a bar Thought one of em had seen it.
Knock, Knock! Knock, knock! Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snowbody!
Why won't women ever play in the NHL? Because the periods would take too long.
Your son has been suspended "for what?" He hit a kid who was picking on another child "so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?"
What do you call a stealthy gay guy? A fruit Ninja
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!
What do you call a guy dumped by his Asian girlfriend? Disoriented.
Ever hear of "organic" grapes? Yeah, they're called Raisens.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day. --My amazing girlfriend told me this one
Best of just for laughs Best of just for laughs...New Funny Videos &amp; Funny Pranks !! #Funnyvideos #Funniest #Bestfails http://onlinebits.in/index.php?page=videogallery&amp;cat=7&amp;id=224
What's the hardest part about roller blading? Telling your parents you're gay.
A pho restaurant that doesn't close is a twenty pho seven.
3 Canadians, 5 Americans, 2 Franks, 1 Arab, 6 Brits, 4 Aussies and 2 Chinese are in line to board a plane from Texas to New York. Who gets randomly searched?
Ate a bag of Sun chips and now I need 300 stitches in my mouth
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. 
"Anyone can be funny... But I can make you hilarious!" -Marijuana
What's the difference between a politician and a comedian? People care when a comedian speaks.
Is venison deer? No really. Only paid a couple of bucks.
If pornhub shows regular porn, who shows nugget porn? Stubhub
Why aren't orphans laughing? Because jokes aren't apparent.
Nerd crush in Star Wars originals was Carrie Fisher. Nerd crush in Star Wars Force Awakens... The stormtrooper who yells **"TRAITOR!**
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilet stalls big enough to run around in.
There was a young couple having sex in the pool. I walked up to the lifeguard and said, "Aren't you going to do anything?" He said, "I might have a wank if you leave me alone."
GOOD NEWS... If you make minimum wage you don't have to pay income tax or eat.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a violin? A: A cello burns longer.
Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew? The pizza doesn't scream in an oven.
As I was backing out a parking space today, a girl with a nice ass walked behind my car. I was checking her out with my rear view camera.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Insanity [insanity] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results See Also: Going back to your ex
Why should you be scared of a white man in prison? Because you know he is actually guilty. Credit to /u/Ser_Rodrick_Cassel for the joke!
I aim to be so strong I can kill a hurricane
The Past, the Present and the Future walk into a bar... It was *tense*.
What happened to the tyrannical peach? He got impeached!
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I went to a pet shop to buy a goldfish today... The worker asked if I'd like an aquarium, but I told him "I don't care what starsign it is."
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her. He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.
There once was a man from Massachusetts And his name is JOHN CENAAAAAAA
What is a duck's favorite drug? You might think it's quack, but it's actually mariwaddle...
I called the bowling alley today and asked if they had 10 pound balls. He said "yes", which I thought was amazing for how fast he was able to run to the phone.
That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine....imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?
I asked a Jewish person what they do in their spare time Apparently Hebrews.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Hey traveling businessmen, no need to put a lock on your carry-on. No one wants your briefcase full of boring.
I hate when weather reporters talk shit on snow...Like why are u even in the weather biz if ur not down w/ snow
Knock Knock Knock knock Who's there? Cows Cows who? Cows moo! They don't hoo!
If Barnes and Noble started selling paint, what colors would they sell?.. 50 Shades of Grey
Why does a barber never shave a man with a wooden leg? Because he always uses a razor.
Dear congress, please text and drive.#governmentshutdown
What is one thing... That Bill Clinton failed at? *Domestic affairs*
How do dogs like their eggs cooked? Pooched.
I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up, dried out and stashed in the freezer.
What's the difference between Andrew Dice Clay and a nintendo cartridge? The nintendo cartridge has steadily gotten more blowjobs since the 80s.
Why didn't the lesbian cross the road? She didn't have the balls to do it
Why does bread not have eyebrows? Because it's bread.
So i brought home a piece of furniture last night... but it left in the morning without saying a word. It was one nightstand.
Did you hear about the two melons that are having trouble getting a divorce? The judge said they cantaloupe.
What's black, cheap, and not worth a damn? A cup of decaf
2016 being a beast of a year really adds up! 666 + 666 + 666 + 6 + 6 + 6 = 2016
Americans choosing their orders at McDonalds more seriously than Their presidents.
My parents always told me that I'd get nowhere sitting on my ass all day. little do they know, I just had the greatest shit yesterday.
Why doesn't Batman like going to Robin's house? They don't like rich people in Robin's hood
[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]
truth is, nobody can parkour better than squirrels.. nobody
Where is the gangster egg from? The Upper Sunny-Side
Art of falling apart I know an art dealer who thought Picasso's work was utter rubbish and wouldn't stock it in his gallery. He's laughing on the other side of his face now!
The groundhog saw The Shadow and said it was an awful movie.
A man goes to a psychiatrist... ...and he's holding a duck by the belly. The psychiatrist asks, "Can I help you?" The guy responds, "Idunno. I've just been feeling down."
What do Indian movie stars play at the beach? Bollyball
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One, because they are efficient and humorless.
Death changes a man My entire life my father voted straight Republican, since his death he has been voting straight Democrat.
If a waffle is a pancake with abs. Then is a sauage a peice of bacon with a dick? (NAF
Just saw a pirated movie On a scale of 1-10, I'd give a 3.14
"He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it's more of an accusation
If you like someone, pretend they're a charger and you're an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I just saw a black guy driving a BMW and doing the speed limit. I'm following him until he pulls over b/c I know he has drugs in the car.
scientist 1: how did you discover that dolphins have sex for pleasure? scientist 2: [flashback to the craziest night of their life] math
I've been told I look like a young Denzel Washington's white neighbor.
How is liver like anal sex? If your parents force it on you too much as a child you won't like it as an adult.
(Not a joke) The Aristocrats I'm sure all of you had different forms or variations of The Aristocrats, but what's the best one you guys have heard?
If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country. This isn't a political joke, I just really wanna travel.
Conserve energy. How would you feel if someone turned you on and left?
Steve Jobs What do cancer cells do when they get bored? they get jobs
[in traction] Before you ask, yes you can make cheese from moose milk and no I didn't think she'd spook so easy.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney.
Why do lesbians shop at Sport's Authority? Because they don't like Dick's.
Not knowing what to text back, but not wanting the conversation to end.
Did you know? On average, people are pretty mean.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Both Christmas and New Years fell on a weekend this year, which had to suck for the four or five of you that still have jobs.
What do you call a black jew? Overcooked
Bad news is I'm not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.
What's a man in a hurry like to drink? man-go juice!
At the touch of her lips, it grew hard an swollen... I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I d ever seen.
Why does the forest stink during a storm? Because the trees break wind.
What's black and taps on the window? A baby in the microwave :)
Why does no one like the swiss army? Because they are all a bunch of tools.
Did you hear about the new gourmet cereal chef? His name is Golden Grahamsay.
What do you call a line of black people? A chocolate bar
"Um." - 1st horse that got ridden
What does cheese say when you take its picture? Make sure you get my Gouda side!
(UK) Did you hear about the new brand of shampoo for pikeys? Go 'n' Wash
What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market? Good morning ladies
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself "What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?"
New Feature exclusive to 2015/16 Chevy Trucks Magnetic Bumber; recover the parts as they fall off.
What do you call someone who comes second in a long-distance boat race? An immigrant
People who say "Money doesn't grow on trees" don't understand the paper making process.
How do you make a duck sing? Put it in the oven till it's Bill Withers.
"Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma" "Shut up, and keep digging"
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting  round playing on the Internet you'll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, "My twitter girls would do that"
3.14% of sailors are... -rates.
And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars.
Q: What did the book say to the librarian? A: Can I take you out?
That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned...
The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it's still the same principal that had to call your parents.
How did the astronaut land on the sun? He went at night.
My phone knows the word "giveth" but not the word "fuck." Perfectly useful for speaking to knights but not for describing what they did.
Sometimes I use words that I don't even understand myself. I think, it makes me look more photosynthetic.
I am so good in bed.... I can stay there all day long
one liner: a dyslexic tells a joke two Jews walk into a bra
Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."
I have the head of a German Shepard and the body of a 16 year old boy.... They're both in my car and I want you to see them.
Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I'm pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots :(
What do you get if you cross Islam with Christianity? ||Islam|| ||Christianity|| sin** **n**
My 95 year old grandpa was prescribed viagra... To stop him pissing on his slippers and rolling out of bed.
Have you ever had Somalian food? Neither have they.
ME: I'm worthless. DAD: Remember, son: you owe eighty thousand dollars in student loans. You're less than worthless.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Why didnt Craig buy Anne Franks shoes on Ebay for 2000$ ? They were Holo-costly
In Canada, we don't count by Mississippi's, we count by Saskatchewan's.
How good are Tesco's meatballs? They're the dog's bollocks!
A drunk sits down in the taxi... Taxi driver: "Where to?" "Home" "Ehh... could you be more specific?" "The living room"
I hope you don't take this joke literally but if you do, please return it later.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn't about the food being Chinese, it's about you being American.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high She told me she's tired of my repost BS and divorced me. It was definitely a surprise.
What's the difference between the average person and a feminist? About 200 pounds.
Two guys walk into a bar... The first guy looks at the second guy and says... "You ever wonder why we always walk in together?"
so true how do you blind a chinamen?-put a windshield in front of him
How do you kill a vegan? A steak through their heart.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
Man Desperately Clicks Away From Article He Didn't Realize Was A Video
Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions ^jk ^lol
If 4 people having sex is a foursome.... 3 people having sex is a threesome... And 2 people having sex is a twosome... Does that make me handsome?
Why does Daniel love white vans? Because he likes candy... *I'll walk myself out*
You can blame those "meddling kids" all you want. But let's face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The nice thing of living in a small village is that when you don't know what you're doing someone else does.
Apoplexy... it's all the rage.
Hubby is trying to get it up...There we go...Ok now it won't go down-oh there it goes...Shit, now it's going back up! Garage door is broken
I never run with scissors Those last two words were unnecessary
More retailers should adopt the "Leave A Penny / Take A Penny" system. It is literally, common cents.
Why did the girl fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Mulatto friend of mine was eating Oreos. I asked her "Isn't that cannibalism"?
Only 2010's kids will get this... Measles
What is white on the top and black on the bottom? Society.
What do you call a guy who likes Adobe and little boys? a PDFile
How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Taste.
I've been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics. TakeJuan'sdough.
What's a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark? A period because it marks the end of his sentence.
My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite... When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up.
Have you heard the Joke about Hiroshima? I hear it's explosive....
Me: *eating a Mars bar* Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
What do you call it when Britain, Russia, and France make a sexual pun before WWI? A triple Entendre. History jokes, man. they're killers.
What is the similarities between Bernie Madoff and Atoms? They both make up everything!
You can't fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Just met a guy.Omg he was so fit! Just met a guy.Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I met a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name was the first letter of each sentence
What's a funny non-racist joke a Polish person would laugh at? Just trying to make a Polish girl I like laugh
eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
I spent 8 hours on my Math book yesterday Gotta admit , i slept pretty peacefully
Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who's your dealer?
Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
Who played Gandalf in the Islamic version of Lord of the Rings? Syrian Mckellen
A Man lived in a square and lured animals for living. He called this chapter of his life as incubator.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Lee Harvey Oswald
Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..
How do all racist jokes start? *Scans over left shoulder, scans over right shoulder*
Why are there no gays in a mental asylum? Because they can't wear a strait-jacket.
As an African-American, Iam shocked at how many black holidays we have here. We have Black Friday, Black history month, whenever a Tyler Perry movie comes out, etc
Why doesn't Popeye's serve spinach?
I had a dream where I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. Where the hell is my pillow?
Was The Little Mermaid directed by a pilot? Because it's mostly Ariel footage.
Bar Joke An Irishman walks out of a bar
What mistake did the chronometer make while it was getting along well with the digital watch? It asked the digital watch for its hand in marriage.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they're the size of Australia
Why is it called "pig latin"? ecausebay ronyiay
I was once a male trapped in a female's body but then my mother gave birth.
I had a soap addiction. Its okay though I'm clean now.
So i was at lunch with a small girl she kept complainin bout how she wanted vanilla ice cream so i said this girl like ice cream cuz she as white as vanilla!
What kind of beer does Hitler drink? Neinenkugel
What do you call the chicken between the chicken thigh and the chicken wing? The chicken butt
Where can you buy freshly cut meats and cheeses while a British woman sings to you Adele-i
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!
*Hands you a handbasket* You know what to do.......
What did a blind french guy said he wanted for christmas? "All I want for christmas is yeux"
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love... Maybe I was in jail.
Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
I would tell a Sith joke... but I don't know if you like darth humor.
What do you call a French cow that grows sprouts instead of fur? Chia LaBeouf
I'm glad the unbelievably loud teenagers on this flight are all white so I can hate them.
What do Jewish kids say to their Christian friends at Christmas? Sorry we killed your saviour, can we play with his new toys.
How can you tell when a woman has an orgasm? Who the hell cares?
Who wins between a black guy and a fencing champion? Black guy, because nword is mightier than sword.
That new movie, Daja Vu... Haven't I seen it before?
Easter used to be called Wester But they decided to take things in a new direction.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser. I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.... And the rest was made in China.
Why is "Dick" short for Richard Genes
What did the bumble bee striker say ? Hive scored !
What time of day is it in France right now? Mourning
Whats the most common breakfast in Africa? Ebola cereal!
Imagine if they had toilets in elevators I mean, that would be some next level shit.
What medication that can make people inspire you? Aspirin sorry guys
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
The Counselor was greeting the new campers. 'So you decided to come to camp' she said to one. 'Nope' the camper answered. 'I was sent to camp!'
What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships... Hit it and quidditch.
A family walks into a Hotel... The Dad walks up to the desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The receptionist says "It's regular porn you sick fuck."
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.
Why did Susie fall of the swing set? Because she had no arms.
What is an Italian redditors favorite meal? Fettuccini Alfedora.
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs. Take one down, patch it around... 127 little bugs in the code.
Know why I pulled you over? "No sir" 1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
When u post in /r/shoot.... Its a suicide..! (Self.shoot) Ps- didnt check if it existed xD
I decided to have a can of soup for lunch today... ...And hating to see good food go to waste, I decided to have the soup as well.
My safe word is "keep going." It's led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
What do you calla judge with no thumbs? Justice fingers
Why are do many Italian-Americans named Tony? When they came to Ellis Island, not one of them could speak a lick of English, but they all had "To NY" on their hats.
I hate when I'm trying to sleep at night But my ADHD's all like: One Sheep... Two Sheep... Cow... Chicken... Turtle... Ol' McDonald had a farm... Hey Macarena!!!
Listen up, guys Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it's also a checklist for anyone about to propose
What are the 3 rules to buying real estate, the difference between jock itch and athlete's foot, and breastfeeding and a glass of milk? Location, location, location.
Did you know that AC/DC made the longest song ever? It lasted 12 albums
What's a pirates favorite letter? It's the C
What's a machinists favorite song? Turn Down for What!
My son kneed himself on the trampoline. *black eye forming Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Racism is for lazy people who don't take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason.
What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East? No, YOU the bomb.
*slowly opens eyes after a thousand years of meditation* but where does one throw away a garbage can
Why did the semen cross the road? Because it was my first wank in two weeks.
Sucking dick is demeaning De meaning of life
If you were looking for a joke about pee... urine luck.
I'll say it: fuck you, old people.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
I stepped on two raccoons today, but I'm just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.
There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.
I don't know why everyone is so upset about the rioting in Ferguson The rest of America is going to do the exact same thing on Friday, they just got a head start on holiday shopping.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden? Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe.
I went on a diet for 10 days. You know what I lost? 10 Days
On a scale from one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you? About nine and three-quarters.
What is the proper expression of gratitude when someone calls you a good listener? "Huh?"
There is 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, and those who don't
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I'm great at pole dancing.
C'mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.
I cuss around my kids so they understand proper useage, timing and inflection. Vocabulary is power.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.
I'm gonna stop you right there. - traffic
What's the difference between the Holocaust and a goat? Can't keep milking a goat for 70 years
What do you call a black Gohan from Dragon Ball Z? Goquan
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.
Did you hear about the blind dog that never got lost? It really nose it's way around.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I'm going to visit.
Me: hey what's this weird lump? WebMD: could be cancer. Me: it's a raisin stuck to my elbow... WebMD: you have two weeks.
I made a belt out of a bunch of watches, But my friends told me it was a waist of time
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
What is the worst type of doctor you can be? gynecologist - because in the hole that the whole world is looking for pleasure, he's looking for problems.
Can you guess this sound? "I'm not racist, but..." It's the sound of a racist clearing their throat.
So... I want Ebola cereal... 
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheeet.
You Will Send Me Nudes This is on Reddit.
How do you make a Tissue Dance ? You put a little Boogie in it.
What is the Phobia for chainsaws called? Common sense
What's a communists favourite sporting event? Commonwealth Games
Wish that Facebook had a "drama of the day" section to quick reference in my feed.
what do you call it when Batman skips church? a Christian Bale
Do you think they named April Fool's Day in your honor?
What is the difference between michael jackson,and neil armstrong... neil armstrong was the first man to walk on the MOON,and michael jackson likes to fuck little boys in the ass.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
HIPPO: I'm really heavy ZIPPO: I'm a little lighter
Everytime i go see my drug dealer He just cracks me up
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane) 5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I was on the elevator with a maid and I BLASTED a fart. Moments like that make life worth living.
What do you call a dirty Chinese crab? A crusty asian
"What are you reading?" Great Expectations. "Is it any good?" It's not all I hoped for.
I would totally get into a stranger's windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.
What is the difference between reindeer and caribou? Reindeer are the ones that fly.
Imagine how quickly Breitbart would believe in climate science if they could use it to stop black people from voting.
I hate passive-aggressive people. _You know what you did_
Remember, when someone claims to be a girl... He could be a Guy In Real Life.
Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet... it takes a Chinese newborn an extra three hours to make their goddamned shoes.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell "SPOILER ALERT!"
I always assumed the movie "Grease" got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
A potato don't look like much but w/ the proper preparation, it can be great in so many ways. Now go out there and be your best potato
How many ______ does it take to _____ a ______ ? And go.
"How's about I rearrange your face?" -Bully Picasso
My blind friend and his birthday I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
I like my women like I like my trail mix... With nuts.
The Wifi and the deodorant of the person sitting next to me on this flight did not work :(
What did the underscore say when he got up to leave? Gotta Dash!
'I've been a very bad girl,' she said, biting her lip. 'I need to be punished.' 'Very well,' he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There's nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Q: Which positions does a violist use? A: First third and emergency.
What does a wolf cough up after eating a rabbit? A hare ball
Whoever invented work should have taugh it to masturbate so that it could do itself.
U.S found oil in foreign land soil and instantly reported serious shortage of democracy there
what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery? Dura-Shell
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago. *sigh He's never gonna let me down.
I know a thousand ways to kill a man, and pretty much all of them are with an XBOX controller.
Why does a dog on a U-boat have a deep bark? Because he's a sub woofer.
"Hey mom, I talked to my teacher after school and she says 'hump day' isn't a real holiday... She also asked what you do for a living."
I accidentally got my SO pregnant... I totally pulled a Jeb Bush.
I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name... I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim. Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions, I saw, I conquered, I came.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
I got fired from my job because I smile too much! I said, "If I can't smile while I work then get yourself another funeral director!"
This season of Game of Thrones set new records for Piracy Probably because it's written by George Arrrrr Arrrrr Martin
If you're not part of the solution... You're part of the precipitate.
Where's the best place to look for a joke? The mirror
Waiter: I'm sorry I spilled a glass of water on you. Diner: That's all right. My suit is too large anyway.
Why do rednecks always smell like pickles, mayonnaise, and ham? Because they're inbred.
My girlfriend and I watched the Star Wars movies back to back last night; I'm so glad I was the one facing the TV. (Huehuehue ... but seriously, she would just be on her damn phone haha)
Welcome to Asia's newest billionare. His name is Cha Ching.
What did one boob say to the other? You're my breast friend. Badum tits
What is DJ Khaled's favorite fraction? 1/9. Because, after the decimal, it's always another one.
In honour of all the miss piggy/kermit the frog jokes going around today. Why can't miss piggy have children? Because she keeps fucking a frog and their DNA is not compatible. No?
What did the octopus say to the fox? "What the fuck are you doing in the ocean?"
[Riding a saddled turtle] BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!! [turtle just goes normal speed for turtles] Aww man.
Anarchy Jokes Submit your Anarchy jokes below:
Why did Levi Strauss suffer from chronic diarrhea? It runs in his jeans.
Don't believe everything you think.
You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
How many Einsteins does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Relatively few
What happens if you don't pay after an exorcism? You'll get repossessed!
What do you call Apple's next beauty product? The iLiner.
If a stork symbolizes birth what type of bird symbolizes birth control? A swallow
I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart... But doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.
Do you know what happened to my tooth in the dentist's office? [Filled]
If your son becomes a priest... ...do you call him 'Father'?
I quit my job as a coffee shop manager The daily grind was just too much
"What time is it?" *pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away* *Still has no idea what time it is*
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
What is the saddest thing in you're life? That you clicked on this link only to correct my grammer....
Keep pressing my fists, the IT woman said. It's refreshing, she said.
wonder why's theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap
Q: When does an Irish potato change nationality? A: When it's french fried.
Fortune Teller I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl named Penny - is that spooky or what?
*Vladimir Putin dining* I want Russian fries "They're French fries" Not for long *crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France* Not for long
What's the quickest way to make nine million dollars? Date Simon Cowell.
Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
Why does the divorced guy keep a tampon on the top of his tv set? To remind him of the cunt that has his DVD player.
MAMA DUCK, BABY DUCK Q: What did did the mother duck say to her duckling? A: "If you don't behave, I'm gonna quack you one."
Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? My pad or yours?
When asian people go on a merry go round... do they become disoriented?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? Matt
I love christmas lights! They remind me of my co-workers. They all hang together, half the fuckers don't work, &amp; the others aren't too fuckin' bright.
By all sensible rules of anatomy, if you have shit for brains, you shouldn't be alive. Science, people.
I used to work for a bank but then I lost interest.
My first joke here and an original! Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree? I heard it was a pretty shady business.
I always said "Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." But apparently that's not a valid excuse and I can't work for NASA anymore.
Spent an hour by my wife's grave God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Two Pieces of Cake Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please? Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!
I brought a dyslexic girl home last night. She cooked my sock.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
What's black and white and red all over? A cow that's just been murdered.
I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond. He climbed on my "corpse" for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.
I built a castle, but it turned out bad I guess I didn't put in much ef-fort
Here's a joke about Ebola You probably won't get it though.
Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex. They're watchdogs.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
If they added a penis mod to Minecraft... Wouldn't it be called a cock-block?
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton survive a capsized boat. Who drowns? The boat.
Apparently, exercise improves your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.
What's the best kind of guy to get fingered by? One with Parkinson's disease!
what did the dildo say to the anal bead? you stink.
Confucius say, man who fart in church. Sit in own pew.
I went to a sandwich shop and ordered a pastrami sandwich, but I received a meatball marinara. Whoops, wrong sub
What is the difference between snow men and snow women? Snowballs
want to hear a honest joke? barack obama
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him"Hi, how are you"? "Sorry I don't speak Chinese" Great. I've raised a douche!
folks we use a Mouse to browse a web. what are we on the internet or in a barnyard here. cmon damnit.
So what's Robin Hood up to these days? He changed his name to 'Bernie Sanders' and is now running for president.
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician??? He worked it out with a pencil. ;)
I'm getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like "sorry I'm married" then it's "leave me alone I'm married" I mean which is it
What did the floor say to the desk? I can see your drawers!
What was Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAND EEEEEEEYYYYYEEEEE!!!!!
Have you heard about the condition that causes your penis to ejaculate when submerged in water? It comes in waves.
An Emo and a leaf fall from a tree, Who hits the ground first? the leaf, the rope stops the emo
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day... He discovered he was a tad Polish.
I'm thinking about opening a sports themed strip club. Gonna call it The Press Box.
I'll never forget where I was when I found out I have Alzheimer's
Chasing the American dream... does not count as exercise.
Someday Kevin Bacon will become a restauranteur... He could open up a steakhouse called *Hoof-Loose*.
What does a cow call his girlfriend? His significant udder.
You know what they say about big feet... Big socks.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Why can't you cross the Mexican border in groups of three? There's no tres-passing!
A tree on facebook The tree got upset because of a meme someone made of him and instead of deactivating his account,.....he logged out!
How do you know when you have a high sperm count? Your partner has to chew before swallowing...
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Well, well, well. If it isn't that thing I told my wife I already did.
Dirty joke Whats good on pizza than on pussy?........crust!
Why did chicken cross the road? Because Intermediate value theorem
APOLLO: I'll be god of the sun HERMES: OK I'll take light- A: I'm also light ARTEMIS: I'll take music A: No I'm also music. That's me too
I'm worried about my boy... At breakfast this morning, when I handed him a box of Cheerios, he shouted, "Omg, donut seeds!"
How very is a very good dinosaur? Very. (Thought of this idk if it was good)
People will put up with a lot of crap, but if you respond to someone's text with, "k" you have just crossed a line.
A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan... Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.
Before you judge somebody, you should walk a mile in their shoes.. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
Two sausages are sitting in a skillet... One sausage says to the other, "It's getting a little hot in here..." The other sausage turns to him and says, "OH MY GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
If someone wants to date me, I don't want to date them. Because they obviously make bad life choices.
Why did Sally fall off the swingset? Because she had no arms. "knock knock" "whose there?" "not sally!"
I've got washboard abs. As soon as I can find someone with clay-jug abs and someone with jews-harp abs, we can get started on our old-timey-hobo-band abs.
Today, my son asked me why girls always pee sitting down I told him it's because they're lazy Not necessarily a joke but kinda funny nonetheless.
Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?  A: They can both drive you crazy.
I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week. I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.
I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body
A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited... On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited. So I took her to the kitchen :P
Yogi Berra has officially gone home. But he should have gone to 1st for the force out. Rip yogi Berra.
Well...well...well Welcome to stutter class
What's a redditors favorite governing body? The Fedoral Government.
Why are we not injecting ourselves with Magic Johnson blood?!
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose
Old, but gold A woman goes to the market. She says to the greengrocer: "I would like to purchase a cucumber" The vendor answers: "Buy two, so you can eat one"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face"? The horse, incapable of understanding the human language promptly shits on the floor and leaves
What do you call a penis with stamps on it? Male. Of course, if you have to sign for it, it's a package.
My girlfriend is a porn star! She's gonna be pissed when she finds out. EDIT: thanks for front page!
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
I read an article saying that if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God, I only drink every night.
A Buddhist walks over to a hotdog stand He goes to the vendor and says "Make me one with everything."
Bought that new Mac Book Pro today. Apparently they crush up 100 Japanese children's retinas too make the display. Or something. I zone out.
What do these 2 have in common What does your mum and a politician have in common? When they scream they make no sense
What did the lion say to the antelope? RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I brought a classical musician back from the past to prove that my time-machine works, but I can't find him. He must be Haydn.
Did you hear how they caught the guy who burgled Will Smith's house? Fresh prints
Please stop saying Donald Trump is mean He can't even make an average president
Never date a tennis player Love means nothing to them.
Girl said that she would do anything for 5$ guess who just got their car washed.
I got 45 pages into writing my autobiography before I realized I was just typing the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star" over and over again.
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? Swim for it...
What did the Bra say to the Hat? You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift.
I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.
What does a redneck do when he misses his girlfriend? Reload, take better aim.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
I wish my grass was emo..... So it would cut itself
What do retards wear on their heads? Handicaps
*walks into a brothel* "yes I'd like some broth"
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell ? Addercadabra and abradacobra !
What is the speed limit for sex? 68 . Because at 69 you flip over and eat it.
What's the difference between unhealthy lipids and a tumblrina? One is a trans fat, the other is a fat trans.
On Gun Control Yesterday I Called The Fire Arms, Tobacco, Alcohol And Asked The Agent What Fully Automatic Weapon Goes With A Shot Of Burbon. Sean O' Talk Show Host SOS Computer Talk
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room. The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren't they?
What does a ghost get when he is horny? A booner
I tried wrapping Christmas presents.. But I just didn't have the gift
I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses She said "So are you"
You're pretty like a pearl... ...Pearl Harbor; all shot up.
Laughing Octopus Q:How many tickles would it take to make an octopus laugh? A:Ten
What do you call a fake friend? a faux!
Andy Griffith's family are undecided on funeral arrangements. They may cremate, they Mayberry
I had to go to the hospital without insurance. It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.
/r/Pyongyang is a.... [Fun and Happy Place!]
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the  curb.
Last week, a girl at a local bakery backed into the bread slicer... Disaster.
It's kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
What does Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common? They both used to be on top gear.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer..... ........ than the men who mention it.
Why did the dog feel insecure in her bathing suit? She was a little husky.
What did one orphan say to the other? "Get in the Batmobile Robin."
"Doctor! Doctor! I think I may have Alzheimers!" "We had this discussion last week, Mr. Smith."
Did you hear what happened to the latest edition of Mein Kampf? They changed the title to 'The Art of the Deal'
Why do they call it Black Friday? I dunno, I'm just waiting to hear white people ask how come there's no White Friday.
I told my friend with mesothelioma to get well soon. He told me he was trying asbestos he could.
How can you tell if someone is Italian? They'll tell you.
when a goth has an identity crisis do they bleach all their clothes
Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.
Did you hear about the sly woodlands creature that was killed for his fur? He went from a cunning stoat to a stunning coat
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
What do you call something big and pink Deez nuts gotti
Lately, there are a lot of Leftists... ...who all think they're Right.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife's office Christmas party.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Why do truck drivers like wearing finger-less gloves... They like to see their girlfriend in shorts
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba dum tiss
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Lumberjack Barbie ...sleeps all night works all day
Did you hear about the Italian husband who was talking during his sleep? He ended up giving his wife a black eye
Do you know what indefinitely means? Well, if you're nuts are slapping against her ass, then you're in........ definitely
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
I heard the Vatican was making a movie. The name? Pope Fiction
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just the two... but it takes a whole dedicated team at emergency to remove it.
(original) I just got my flu shot and tried to draw something, but it still looks shitty. I thought it was supposed to make me artistic?
A surprising number of people, even in 2010, lack the depth perception to sit in the right airplane row on the first try.
"America is getting snow? How cute" -Canadians
What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.
One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.
What do you hear when a sheep blows up? Sis boom baa ~Carnac
Every war the Chinese have ever lost... was because of chinks in their armor.
Had sex with a deaf and blind paraplegic girl. Fucked her senseless.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he'll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
They finally created a documentary about clocks. It's about time.
I watched a gang bang video involving several bus drivers and one woman. She looked bored for half an hour, then suddenly they all came at the same time.
Siamese Cat My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they are really expensive, so I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.
How do you know this is OC? Its not on the front page
I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant There was a woman there who claimed that she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore.
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.
I was gonna tell a football joke to Payton Manning....... But it went over his head
I peed in an ocean, but I'm not going to tell you which one - you're going to have to take your chances.
Just saw a 13 year old kid reading an actual newspaper. I stopped and asked of he was okay, and if he'd lost his phone.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? ...I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face
Miranda rights a lady police officer was reading the miranda rights to the guy being arrested " what ever you say can be and will be held against you" the guy says "tits"
"Sir you can't bring your dog onto the plane" [labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat] "Omg captain I'm so sorry"
If you can think of a better fish joke Let minnow.
I am so old I need a selfie stick to read my own phone.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it. - My 4yo. Apparently.
A priest, a rabbi, a blonde and a horse all walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Due to the hilarity of tomorrow's NBA contest between the Philadelphia Seventy Sixers and LA Lakers, the NBA has agreed to air the match live on comedy central and the comedy network. joke
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office covered head to toe in cellophane. The psychiatrist says, "Sir, I can clearly see you're nuts."
How does an Asgardian like his parties? Loki
My friend died of autoerotic asphyxiation... The story is a real tearjerker.
Ducky from NCIS clones himself and he and his clone walk into a bar and sit by Maverick's wingman at the bar...... The bartender walks up and says "Duck...Duck....Goose..".
What would I do?
The best part about Puppy Bowl? Since all the puppies are already neutered, there's no worry about deflated balls giving one team an advantage...
God wants to redesign.. God asks wives: I want to redesign men with new hi tech features. Any suggestions?? Women: Yes, that joy stick made for us should be password protected.
We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.
How does a baby ghost cry? "Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!"
The milk is so good its Legendary
I tried to think of a good music joke But that sort of thing really isn't my forte.
Have you heard the one about the Imaginary man? You haven't? Me neither!
Norm MacDonald's father's favorite joke (as told by Norm MacDonald) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3UqEgL1VXI&amp;t=14m44s
Whats a pirates favourite kind of wood?? Seeder
Walking down the street I was walking home form work and I saw a bee crawling on the grass. I was thinking of stepping on it, then I decided 'ehh I'll let it be'
In honor of Columbus Day I'm going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find
Why is Tigger so dirty? Because he plays with Pooh
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses. Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous... Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Vocabulary?
So I was at the Library today .. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"
Did you hear about the cow that tried to hurdle a barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster.
If you're going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They're never gonna see it online.
I wanna die by getting stuck my lightning Shocking, I know.
1.How does a elephant hide in the jungle? 2.What is the Loudest sound in the jungle? 1.Paints its balls red and climbs up a apple tree. 2.Tarzan picking apples.
Yuppie cannibals shop at Whole Dudes.
Two rules I live by #1 Never Take No for an Answer #2 No means No
Where does the king keep his penis? In his deskis.
I hold my iPhone up outside your window to play our song. A 90 second ad plays first.
Q: Have you seen the tree's new car? A: It's a two cedar.
A woman walks into a bar... The bartender asks what's she'd like to drink. The woman asks for a double entendre, so he gives it to her.
User interface? I hardly even know her!
When I'm at a friend's house & there are snacks, all I'm thinking is "How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?"
User interface? I hardly even know her.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone
"Sorbet" is a French word that means, "I wish it was ice cream."
My dog barks for 2 reasons: 1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking. 2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Back in my day, we didn't have iPads. If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Honda made a car called the CRX before. Now they make one called the CRZ. They skipped the one in the middle because the prototype was so bad, it made them CRY.
I like my women like a surgeon likes his patients Drugged and Unconscious
*Arrives to save damsel in distress* Me: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your--" Rapunzel: "I have a boyfriend." Dragon flying by: "BURN!!"
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in, one to call the media and publicize and one to blame the Democrats on the electric bill.
How do you catch a polar bear? Go to the north pole and dig a hole in the ice. Set some peas around the hole and when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick it in the ice-hole.
What's the best thing about twenty three year old's? [They're of age.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZg3-Y1QIc4)
The sausage principle. If you like something, never find out how it's made.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels. ME: *chasing an owl around my garden* WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
If a king farts... Is it considered a noble gas?
Why do Mexicans only cross the river one, or two at a time, never three? Because the sign says no TRES passing. --- edit: shit, I didnt realize this was already posted :) lol
"What do we want?" "AIRPLANE NOISES!" "When do we want them?" "NEEEEOOOWWWWW" I'm very sorry
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Air Asia Accident - java reference So some remains of the Air Asia Airline were found in the Java sea. Guess the pilot didnt C#.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Blind, probably.
Women are like, "no I'm not mad" *sets your car on fire* Nope not mad
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I need a Life or a Clue but someone seems to have a Monopoly on them. So, instead, I'll take the Risk of sinking your Battleship.
Do you know Mike? Mike ock
Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics? It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs.
Shouldn't Spiderman have 4 more legs?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
What do you call a gay loaf of bread? A faguette ^^^^I ^^^^just ^^^^made ^^^^this ^^^^up ^^^^and ^^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^proud
How do Chinese people name their kids? They throw silverware down a flight of stairs....ting, tong, ping, ding
Researchers find a very smart blonde....
How did the rooster get a lot of chicks? A lot of good yolks!
What do you call a gay Mexican..... A senoreater
What do you call a German sausage fest? Wurst orgy ever.
If the Trader Joe's cashier doesn't say "I love these" about anything you're buying, you have to put it all back and start over. #sorrybro
Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine....she's either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her
Why does Yoda like having a lot of things to do? It makes his Dagobah faster.
Monster: Doctor doctor I'm a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors. Doctor: Oh what a shame. I'm a dentist.
My fiance is a med student and was talking to me about her geriatrics class... ... and my first thought was "This is getting old real fast."
Why can't a T-Rex clap? Because they're all dead
What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit's finger.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered  something to eat.
How do you fit an elephant in the subway? You take the letter "S" out of "sub", and the letter "F" out of "way".
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
What do Anna Nicole Smith and Tom Brady have in common? They both like saggy balls.
A hot girl texted me "Come over, no one's home" So i went over... And no one's home
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song "Cotton Eye Joe" will win her back everytime
Me: Did you hear that? Her: Go check it out Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first Her: You'll be alright
What's your favorite stereotype? Mine is Panasonic
there was this confusing 'do not touch' sign in the mall. I just can't put my finger on it.
Mexican and black jokes are all the same....... Once you have heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!
The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you're looking for anything specific is, "the bottom half of a shirt."
Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV Me:" Why are you watching Thatcher's funeral?" Mum: "Just to make sure"
How to get a millionaire husband marry a billionaire man, then proceed to divorce him.
Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.
In a land with no pockets, the man with the fanny pack is king.
What tick likes to run? Politicks
Wish I wasn't raising my kids in an era where mediocrity was celebrated.
How do you top a train? Tep on the break tupid! :D:D:D
I went to an Anglican church recently... They do communion a little bit differently there. You just walk up, kneel down, and the priest sticks it in your mouth.
Three seals walk into a club... Martyrdom
What is even bigger than an elephant ? A giant !
When should you charge a battery? When you can't pay cash.
Where did little Suzzie go after the explosion? Everywhere.
A prostitute said she would do anything for 10 dollars. Look who just got his car washed. THIS GUY!
What did the egg say to the pan or boiling water? "It's gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chicken."
People who have 'taken' in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly
Do you believe in love at first sight or do i pass by you again.
I just want 5 minutes alone with the person who thought it was a good idea to put little plastic stickers on every piece of fruit
* see weird traffic pattern * turns down radio * smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole * runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
What is the difference between a small vagina and a douchey midget? One is a runty cunt and the other is a cunty runt.
I had professional respect for you but then you said "recognizance" when you meant 'reconnaissance.'
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Tryke.
"We will never forget." Of course not, we're brainwashed and controlled by fear.
Jason Bateman origin story: On a field trip to a scientific lab as a teen, he was bitten by a radioactive Jason Bate.
You know how moray eels can't let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they're dead? Don't touch my fries.
Definition of "copulate"...... What an Italian police sergeant says to a tardy patrolman.
Be the change you want to find beneath the sofa cushions.
Confucius Say Man who run behind car get exhausted But man who run in front of car get tired
Why was the ground all white after Custer's last stand? Because the indians kept coming and coming...
What do you have if you have one fuzzy, green ball in one hand and another fuzzy, green ball in the other hand? Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
Yo mama so black when she goes outside the street lights come on
"The moon is so close to earth right now"... ..."You can probably see it from space"
A doctor goes to write a prescription... He reaches into his pocket to take out his pen, but finds a rectal thermometer instead. Annoyed, he complains, "Some asshole stole my pen!"
I buy my guns from a man named "T-Rex" He's a small arms dealer
What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh? You gonna eat that?
I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with. And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.
I can prove to you that electronics are powered by smoke... by the irrefutable fact that they stop working when the smoke leaks out!
Do you know why banks have lollipops? So you'll have a sucker when they rob you. Eh, someone will like it.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I'm going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
What do you get when you cross.... .... the DNA of a human with the DNA of a goat? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Feminists are like Mr. Bean They do stupid stuff and everybody laughs at them!
At what temperature is best to bake Jewish cookies? 6 million degrees!!!!
I used to be a fan of reading Tolkien But then I kicked the hobbit
I love killing for fun "Sociopath! Arrest him!" I mean I love hunting "Why didn't you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?"
Let's remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.
Why are there no cats on mars? Curiosity
What do you call dinosaur sluts? Herpevores
I'm putting together an acting troupe of dogs. It's called..........................................................................*Dramatic Paws*.
"why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?" because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
You know why God loved Mother Mary so much? Virgin Milf (      )
"If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?" An Airplane
Lawn Sprinkler What do you call four Mexicans, one Chinaman, and three Blacks standing in a yard? Lawn sprinkler. "Spick spick spick spick, chink, nigga nigga nigga."
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone. Me: Will it make my dinner? D: No but- M: Good talk.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.
The difficulty of killing a single bird with one stone has been grossly misjudged.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
I swallowed a Watch the other day... Now I'm just trying to pass the time.
Jared from Subway Apparently Subway is removing the foot long from the Kids menu
Did you know that Diarrhea can kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.
One-One was a race horse, Two-Two was one too One-One won one race and Two-Two's leg was broken and he had to get euthanized.
A physicist sees a man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Saitama tried to change his Facebook password to Goku but Facebook said it was too weak...
I had some extra money laying around I was going to invest in quick sand... ...but the deal fell through.
Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like "You Can Do it" or "Ramen Noodles Aren't So Bad" when you check your sad Account Balance
Social media is nice because now we can all experience profound solitude and isolation together.
Someone tried to touch my ass without my permission. Safe to say, I'm not letting anyone on my farm again.
Women on their periods make me angry... ...I was loking up my wife's skirt last night and the red mist descended over my eyes.
I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn't a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.
My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse -Are you describing Chuck Norris? Yes
What is a pirates nightmare date? A girl with a sunken chest and no booty
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they're the problem is the other half.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song's called "Fur Elise" Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
A dog says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The first dog is perplexed. He says, "Moo? Why did you say, Moo?'" The other dog answers, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?  A: Sweet fuck all.
What does the interrupting cow say? HE SAYS MOO oh wait this joke totally doesn't work in text
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I hate spiders ...but I respect the Daddy Long Leg. The Daddy Long Leg has a very special ability, the ability to make ANY man, regardless of age, say the word daddy.
I've always wanted to be a plumber... but my friends all say it's just a pipe dream.
Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with a jar of peanut butter? A piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
Somebody stole my mood ring... I don't know how I feel about it.
Ban pre-shredded cheese Make America grate again!
I know so much about cars All I need to see is their headlights and I can tell exactly which way they're going.
"Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are."
Why did the tree have lots of fans? Because he was Poplar!
If I commit suicide, it'll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
At the job interview... Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in three years? Me: Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision
What's the difference between a joke and 100 dicks in your ass? You can't take a joke.
How many libertarians? How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light-bulb? None. The market will take care of it.
Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark? Black people can't swim. -.-
Lush is kinda like cocaine. Its all lined up on the tables and you spend your entire time using your nose.
I'm getting engaged next month. Not because I'm in love but because it's gonna look dope on Instagram.
Man should not be judged by the color of his skin, but rather by the first song that comes on his iPod when you put it on shuffle.
If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... Then *soviet!*
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One - they are quite efficient and not very funny.
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? "Boo-bees"
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit. ~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My grandpa said ur generation relies too much on technology! I said, " no your generation relies too much on technology!" Then... I unplugged his life support
What did the doctor say to the cancer patient? You have tumor months to live.
We have one of the recalled Samsung washers. But, don't feel sorry for us... We're going to have a blast!
Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible? Where Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
If I had a bodyguard, I'm pretty sure he'd just spend most of his time sighing and saying "Don't eat that..."
A man walks in on his roommate, Internet, crying in the other room. When he asks why, Internet sobs: "Everything I touch turns gay!"
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
What do you call a suicidal cat? Curiosity.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Can we just change the phrase "Transgender" to "Transjenner"?
In California... Did you know that in California you cannot take a picture of a woman with a basket of strawberries? ...you need a camera because strawberries do not take pictures.
Doctor: "I need to draw some blood." Me: "Okay." Doctor: "Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?"
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
What's the difference between a prostitute and jesus? The face they make when you nail them.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My girlfriend asked if I would spend a month away from her for 5000 dollars. It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.
How many girlfriend does a white boy need to shoot a school? None.
My mom always said that I'd never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
I was worried my circle jerk wouldn't go as planned... but in the end everyone came together.
a sad short wrench walks into a bar and asks for a beer the bartender asks why is he so sad. and the wrench replies "can you leave me alone, i don't want to torque"
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
Ladies... don't jump to conclusions that your boyfriend is cheating just because he never wants you to look at his phone. It's probably just full of porn
What is the difference between ass-kissing and brown-nosing? Depth perception.
#NAME?
winter is coming the snow is what?
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film HIPSTER: I preferred the original M: Original? What original? H: Nosfera One.
My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is.......if it tastes good spit it out.
Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me Blow your nose, it will pass
What do you do when you see an upside down dolphin? You flipper!
How do you top a car? You tep on the brake, tupid!
Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.... It's a Shitzu
Two nuns are riding their bicycles to the Vatican First nun shouts to the other "I've never come this way before!" The second nun replies "don't worry it's just the cobblestones."
Rape. Short word, long sentence!
I've just started a band. Were called Missing Cat might of even seen the posters for us.
Just walked by the place I had brunch last weekend and one of my friends is still sitting there talking about herself
They canceled school and reminded everyone to "Prepare for a blackout" I've got 2 bottles of Vodka and percocet Blackout is *so happening*
A kid was born without eye lids, so they used the spare skin from his circumcision to form some. Everything turned out fine, except... the doctor said he was a little cockeyed.
When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask "two man killing spree?"
Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks, "Why would anyone want to kill their wife?"
What would you call a supervillain that could control every part of the electro-magnetic spectrum except 495-570 nm? Magento
According to my girlfriend, a small penis shouldn't be a problem in any loving relationship. I still wish she didn't have one though.
I've snagged so many catfish on dating sites, I'm now a licensed fisherman.
What's the similarity between a dog and a bulldozer? Neither one is a squirrel.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Who has large antlers a high voice and wears  white gloves ? Mickey Moose !
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!
What's the difference between a elephant and a banana?
What's green and red and goes 100 mph? A frog in a blender.
What Makes a Penis and a Rubik's Cube Similar? They both get harder the more you play with it.
With the iPhone 7 we have to charge the phone and the earphones, with the iphone 8 ... ... I think we'll also have to charge the charger.
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, that's why they hate each other.
People do not know how to merge into traffic. All you do is yield, look left, close your eyes, and go.
If I have 3 cakes and I eat 2, what do I have? diabetes.... I'll see myself out
A man is being arrested by a female police officer The officer informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." &amp;nbsp; The man replies, "Boobs!"
Two law students walked into a bar... Two lawyers walked out
I'm terrible with directions. Fuck me, left?
[on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?
I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.
If you really think about it, Jewish people are actually pretty solid nah just kidding, they're all gas
When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.
Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn't become Superman. Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne. Acne waits until you're thirteen to come on your face.
Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.
Tie Me Up... One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
My Dream is to Become the World's Best Procrastinator... But I'll start chasing my dreams another day, I don't feel like it now.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter, none of this would be an issue.
High school plays are a lot like airplanes. People only want to hear about them if they crash and burn.
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"... Stupid Firemen. [x-post /r/Christianity]
What is the inner temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm.
Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one
Jim McGuinn and David Crosby found dead in apparent Double Homicide, one Keith Richards suspected. It seems two Byrds were killed by one Stone.
How many couples does it take to screw in a light bulb? They can't, it'd be much too cramped. How would they even get in there in the first place?
I just heard Bill is interested in Hillary again... She's barely legal...
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
Angry kids are like toys. Wind them up and watch them go.
Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit.
Joke 2 - What weighs 15,000 pounds and combs her red hair with a fork? Princess Arielephant
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar They each got 6 months
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . . me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Q: What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him? A: Get bent!
What happened when the bankrupt eastern european jumped off a building? The Czech bounced.
How do you hold an umbrella for a feminist without offending said feminist? She doesn't need one. The glass ceiling keeps her dry.
You had me at cello.
Math problems were invented by men, just so women would be wrong some of the time.
They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.
THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillows are making headlines.........
What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud!
Good friends don't let you do dumb things... alone.
Today is the anniversary of legal abortions in the US or as the coat hanger industry calls it, Black Friday.
I wonder if the first person to ever pop corn thought they were under attack.
No really, keep talking. I'm just training for the eyeroll olympics.
Classics I have a dream that one day my mum will understand that online games can't be paused.
Why don't bears wear boots? Cos they like to walk around in their bear feet.
Reddit is like a newspaper... ...all of the headlines happened yesterday.
Grandma, the words are very similar, but you "butt dialed" me. You didn't booty call me.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I hate it when people say I'm sexist. How can I be sexist when I'm half female on my mother's side?
Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
What do pirates like to wear during the winter? Scarves
oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i'll get lasik at staples
Joke What's the difference between a dick and an ass?  I don't know, but your mom seems to enjoy the combination of both.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
A paedophile and a young boy are walking through a forest at midnight..... The young boy says, "I'm scared". The paedophile says, "You're scared? I've got to walk back on my own!"
How do you piss off a fanboy? Kylo Ren kills Dumbledore.
A Pokemon Go user walks into a bar.... He was too busy looking at his phone to notice it.
I was cumming into a sock... when the guy wearing it was like WTF?!
I am not a racist but... I am not a racist but you have to agree that Little Cesars' Five dollar piazza is a good buy.
Well you know what they say You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks. -Chef (South Park)
Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A. He was feeling crummy!
In America, Trump unseats black, male president. In Russia, president sits on Trump blackmail!
No adult entertainment companies around here that offer fireman strippers, so we're starting a fire and hoping a slutty one shows up.
How do elephants smell? Really bad.
What's the answer for question #2? 2.B or not 2.B
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Curve Men like women with curves Women like men with class I like classes with curves
Did you hear about the hamster who died? He fell asleep at the wheel
What side of a monster has more hair ? The outside !
So someone asks a junkie.. Do you still use heroin? Well.. On the one hand yes, on the other hand no.
ME: ppl call dogs "doggo" now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else? ME: no
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.
A snake slithers into a bar... The bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
I dream of becoming a selfie photographer.. I can just picture myself doing it.
A moderator is browsing /r/worldnews...
Knock Knock Who's there ! Benjamin ! Benjamin who ? Benjamin the blues !
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling? Him: Me? No, but thank- Me: Ok just making sure.
My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
Respect to this dude at CVS whose sole purchase is Frosted Flakes
I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White  Good condition  Reliable  Cheap  No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.
They say that ignorance is bliss But I'm just as happy not knowing!
Life isn't a garden, so don't be a hoe.
How do you eat a vegetable? First get her out of the chair
Been talking to this girl for 10 mins and she hasn't slapped me OR called me "gross"... Hope she's ok with the names I picked for our kids.
Whether you love him or hate him... ...Trump got more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years.
Wanna know something about whiteboards? They're remarkable.
Redundancy: An airbag in a politician's car!
Why doesn't a scarecrow use TP because hay .. its in his jeans
[NSWF] What's the difference between acne and priest? Acne waits until a boy's 14 to come on his face.
I don't trust a taxi cab that has more than two air fresheners.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
What kind of pizza did the Dalai Lama order? one with everything
I hate that fucking composer he is such a son of a bach.
I'm so tired of rascist jokes. They all start out the same. With a look over your shoulder.
What do you call it when one guy demands that another guy go to the movies and give him a hand job? A mandate
I witnessed an attempted murder earlier... Luckily only one crow showed up...
There was only one animal at the zoo... it was a Shihtzu
Don't cha wish ya girlfriend was a clinically depressed cat owning weirdo like me
What is the best basket ball team ever? The tricera-hops
Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box
Have you ever heard the joke about the three wells? "No" "Well, well, well...."
I think we should invest in mosquito nets for Africa We can save millions of mosquitos from needlessly dying of aids
What's better than seeing a woman wrestle? Seeing her box.
Favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell's Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Circumcision. My parents paid the bill, but I left the tip.
I sleep better naked Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Fish are just mobile sushi storage units.
Did you hear about the homosexual letter? Only came in male boxes.
Our new IT guy moved here from Australia... He comes from a LAN down under.
A smoker at work can "step out for a smoke" every 20 minutes but if I say "I'm going to go outside and just stand there" I'm a bad employee.
TIFU on the first day of my courier job . . . . . OP didn't deliver
Did you hear about the guy who thought he saw a fog? Apparently he was mistaken
Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver
I'd like to think that halfway through Nicole Kidman's last name there's a tiny bar mitzvah.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I'm like, that's so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I'm more fun than I actually am
*crawls into bed naked* *grabs a book* *sips wine* This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I was at the beach wondering why frisbees always look bigger the closer they get And then it hit me
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I bet the cooler math nerds call each other Alge-brahs.
If I was an enzyme, I would be DNA Helicase So I could unzip your genes.
Who's the wost president ever? Guess we'll find out in January.
We had an assignment on terrorists in school once. I bombed it of course
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are running for president... Well, look on the bright side, Dick Cheney is not president.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the Doc where I should put my pants "Over there, besides mine."
Say "beer can" with an Australian accent. You just said "bacon" with a Jamaican accent
Why are manhole covers round? Because manholes are round.
Did you here that Lorena Bobbitt got killed in a car accident? Yeah, some dick cut her off.
I got stung by a bee the other day..... 15 for a jar of honey!
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".
*KFC* Me: how tender is the chicken? Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!! SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
What do you call a film director with bad eyesight? Squintin' Tarantino
A dyslexic atheist screamed out loud... THERE IS NO DOG!
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Having to tell your parents that you're gay.
I don't get scatological humor. That shit isn't funny to me.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement Host: That's a salad.
First Kangaroo: If you were  surrounded by 30 lions 25 elephants and 10 hippos how would you get away from them? Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
The best thing for a hangover is to drink excessively the night before. Not sure why you'd want one, though.
The makers of Dr Pepper are changing their recipe, using less expensive ingredients. The new soda will be called, Nurse Practicioner Pepper.
Who did Fat Albert accuse of leaving a burning cross on his lawn? "The Kaaay Kaaay Kaaaaay!"
People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
When I was a kid I got in trouble for playing with Grandma Bella in the sandbox. Can't play with dead bodies apparently.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Sarc... ...It is my second favorite asm. (And nobody fucking fainted)
If a word in a dictionary were misspelled how would we know?
What does a Japanese chef shout in bed? Ooo mami! (Umami)
Got shut down by a 12 year old. Kid: wow you're really good! Me: good at what? :D Kid: Nothing. :l
I don't appreciate my son's teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order.
What did the man do after he fucked the tightest pussy... ...put the diaper back on.
Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings
Nostradamus comes home and starts beating his dog  Why are you going to shit here in the next 5 minutes?  Because of the beating, you dickwad!
I have The World's Greatest T-Shirt. See, it says so right on the front.
I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they're in their 20s and don't know what phones used to look like.
Got my wife an educational toy. It's a dildo that speaks Spanish. Rapido Rapido Rapido.
I don't like LGBT community I mean, Bluetooth in LG devices isn't something amazing, is it?
Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a "strong" password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds. I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"
How to turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give the bitch a shovel
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she's going to look amazing.
Another shitty joke Don't mistake me for a fool! I'm just a half.
What do you get if crossed a new born snake with a basketball ? A bouncing baby boa !
I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If Hillary debates Trump for 24 hours, what won't you hear? A word of truth.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park COP: no ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol COP: I'm not
Nice 35 yr. old unlit candle, every grandma in the world.
What is the smallest mall? sMall !
Why did the marriage between the crab and the shrimp end in a divorce? Because they were both too Shellfish.
Gay guys are fucking assholes
New Years Resolutions: 1. Lose weight 2. Volunteer work 3. Lie about 1 and 2
How is an American teen girl different from an ISIS teen girl. No differences. They both blow quite easily !
The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day. Wife: "Windows frozen." Husband: "Pour some warm water over them." Wife: "Computer completely screwed up now."
What do you call a thrash can that cant close A thrash cannot (hahaha.....)
One day, you wake up and everyone has a number over their heads. The number is counting down by the second. Eventually, someone's number reaches zero, and.... They sneeze. Their number resets.
Came home and my wife was having sex with some guy in our bed. I confronted her, she denied everything, but I know our bed when I see it.
When I'm about to get in bed, I turn my light off and then run and jump into bed so that nothing gets me.
Why did the algae end up at school? She wanted to buy an algae bra.
Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman
THE HUMAN BODY 12 Wildly inconsistent design. Leaks fluids. Zero protection from drop damage. Can be killed by bees/peanuts. NOT RECOMMENDED
Redditor with a bomb EDIT: Wow, this really blew up! u/flyingscotzman u/FlyingScotzman user/flyingscotzman user/FlyingScotzman
i hate when people call their grandparents weird names instead of grandma and grandpa like babooshka or salami
Do you know what's the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers... Usually they're already there.
mom hates dad My mother used to be a ventriliquist.. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father
Did you hear about the guy who tried to mend his belt with watches? It was a waste of time
I'm guessing the person who decided how to spell "queue" and "okay" got paid by the letter.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces. Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[Restaurant] Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Pearl Harbour 9/11'd Josh Hartnett's career. Three disasters in seven words that make a fully coherent sentence. Can anyone do better?
I used to perform circumcisions for a living. I got tons of tips.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space Reporter: when will it return Putin: WHat
My favorite X-Men character is Nicki Minaj.
Meant to type fairy godmother but wound up typing fairy gothmother and holy shit what a great band name that would be.
I'd rather have my eyelashes ripped out one at a time by poisonous crabs than watch a show where the voices didnt match the mouth movements
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
A girl gave me a dirty look for holding the door... Sheez, I'll never hold the door for them again especially when I have to piss badly.
People say that all men think with their penises... Well if thats thats the case, I think BIG.
Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I'm worried it'd take up my entire day
Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella? Fo Drizzle!
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Roses are red... Violets are blue, I have a gun, Get in the van.
That moment when someone asks you 'How are you doing?' and you respond 'I'm doing ok. Getting better each day' & they stab you for answering
Why was the egg laughing when it fell off the table? Because it cracked itself up.
Knock Knock * Knock Knock * Who's there? * I say to mart * I say to mart who? * I say tomato, let's call the whole thing off
Girls who say "I don't care what anyone thinks about me" sure spend a lot of time untagging themselves out of unflattering pics on Facebook.
My friend told me a joke about a TV controller. It wasn't remotely funny.
[job interview] How would you improve our business? "Dude, I'd bankrupt you in a week. I'm just catchin Pokemon in your office."
What do women and stones have in common? You skip the flat ones.
New studies revealed... ... 9 out of 10 people do not consider bullying to be a great problem.
I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.
NSA's pick up lines: "Did you fall from heaven? Because there's no tracking data on how you arrived at this location" "I'd tap that" "I know exactly where you have been all my life"
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
YO MAMA IS SO FAT WHEN YOU GO AROUND HER YOU GET LOST!
r/worldnews right now (Removed)
How does a fallopian tube take its eggs? (Ovaries Z)
ME: it's horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy GUY: you mean *wouldn't* ME: hahahahahaha you're sweet
The early bird waits in his car for 20 minutes so as not to seem desperate.
If Hodor was black Wouldn't his name be Hodeedoe?
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix. Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...
I'll bet the lady on this bus can't fart. She'd never shut up long enough to build the required pressure.
I was leaving the golf course yesterday... when I ran into a guy whose face was all scratched up. I was like "holy shit man your face is all bloody, are you ok?" "Yeah, but I just blew an eagle on 18
All new Hell's Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she  cooks dinner.
When you call shotgun, but the police put you in the back-seat anyway.
Im opening a DIY whorehouse. It's called "Go fuck yourself".
Boyf said I look really pretty when I'm concentrating...I realised its cos I'm quiet! Either way it's the last time I let him watch me poo
Why was Epsilon afraid of Zeta? Because Zeta Eta Theta!
Which bear can dissolve in water? A polar bear
I wasn't a fan of my facial hair at first.. But then it grew on me...
I once thought I had a Japanese friend.... But it was just my imagine Asian.
Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics. Respect
What do you call an Artist in a Dark Alley? Sketchy
Change is hard, especially the nickel.
"You make me so wet." - me, to my shower.
We've run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11....... a suicide.
What is a dog's favourite food ? Anything that is on your plate !
Did you hear the one about the amber alert? Neither did the children in my basement.
What happens when an elephant sits on a car? It breaks the trunk.
What did the carpenters call their brass quartet? The Tuba Four
Why do people hate playing uno with Mexicans? They always take the green cards
Who invented King Arthur's round table  ? Sir Circumference !
Don't have your phone number posted on FB if you don't want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb wants to change.
I'd like to say "Fuck this weather" But I'm pretty sure it's under 18
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with him! baD-dumB-tssssJOKE
What word allows you to take away two letters  and get one? Stone.
If you skip church on Sundays.. You're pulling a Christian Bale.
What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.
I put the "m" in illiterate
Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don't want anyone's duck in my can't.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? An unoriginal joke
Why was the gay triceratops so frustrated? Because he couldn't find any tricerabottoms!
I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."
How do you tell if a cat is a creative thinker? They shit outside the box.
Fake friends are around when you are cool. True friends are around even if they think you're a fool.
My wife says I think of her as a sex object... I can't disagree though because everytime I ask for sex... She objects.
I'm not a beach, but shore. Cheesy and overused, but always makes me laugh.
And then there was the Newfie who was  found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd tried to hang himself with a rubber band.
The Republicans told us that if we let the gays marry, soon people'd be marring horses! I'm still waiting. :(
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I'll read 4 or 5 status updates and I'll cry, because they suck and I realize that I've wasted 2 or 3 minutes of my life.
Do you know the difference bewtween a chair and a dick? If no Be careful where you sit
What happened when Helium told a joke? There was no reaction
My penis was once in the Guinness book of world records But then the librarian told me to take it out
A girl asks a guy if she is wearing to much makeup. The guy responds. "Depends, are you trying to kill the Batman?"
Self-deprecating humour is the lowest form of entertainment. And I can't even get *that* right.
An alligator can grow up to 17 feet. But most only have four.
I got a flyer in the mail that said "Get into a new car no questions asked!" Bullshit... my neighbor still asked WTF I was doing in his BMW.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Why is there a bucket of shit at an Italian wedding? To keep the flies off of the bride.
Ivan, 12, after breaking the vase and realizing he'll be punished anyway, sold the TV, got high and ordered some escorts.
Wedding At a wedding, the pastor asked all the married men in the crowd to put their arm over the person who makes their life worth living. The bartender was crushed to death.
I asked my wife to pick up some French bread from the grocery store But ciabatta roll instead.
It feels like Obama's been on tour longer than The Rolling Stones.
Roses are red, Violets are blue Gorilla shot at Cincinnati zoo
I don't care what everyone says, I think my Jersey Shore hairstyle makes me look sophisticated.
Why did the worlds shortest feminist burn down a post shop? Because the mail was always above her.
I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.
Why is an Irish funeral cheaper than an Irish wedding? There's one less drunk.
Where can a burger get a great night's sleep? On a bed of lettuce!
When I was a kid, I asked my dad where babies come from. He said, "The fridge! You should go see if there's one in there now! If there isn't, bring me a beer!"
Welcome to twitter, where nobody uses their right to remain silent.
I got in trouble once for copying another kid's test I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine
[interview] "Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal." Me: no
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
What did the fisherman say to the street magician? Pick a cod, any cod!
"I'm not really a big dog person." - lying werewolf
*handsome, young man walks up* HYM-Ms. Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I'm sexy. But young guys aren't my thing. HYM-You've toilet paper on your heel.
Interviewer: What's your strength? Candidate: I fall in love easily. Interviewer: What's your weakness? Candidate: Those blue eyes of yours.
When playing the guitar in public... keep in mind not to finger A minor, you could get arrested.
What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid.
Blonde and a dog Why did the blonde have sex with the dog? Because she likes it ruff.
What did Zach De La Rocha bring home from the beach? A pocket full of shells.
A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. I need a place to stay
So Arnold Schwarzenegger opened a pest control business... Because he was already an Ex Terminator.
Magician: "Think of a card." Me: "Okay." Magician: "You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!" Me: "I was thinking about a get well soon card."
Are you the date? Because you're 10/10
"Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger..." *sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat* *sigh* "and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?"
Why is it called a Mango? Because Mancome wasn't selling
Chuck Norris' feet accounted for more damage in 2005 than both the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina.
[first day in the mob] *leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I've always wondered: are they all just named "Don" or...
How do norwegians catch rabbits in norway? They hide in a bush, and make carrot sounds.
Why did the book get stitches? Because he had his appendix removed. note: books can also be female.
Pallbearers are Dead Lifters
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off!"
i have two moods: sleep is for the weak sleeping for a week
When my dead English friend Nate pees on my newly grey-painted German grenades. My late mate Euro-nate urinated on my freshly greyed grenades, great!
I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.
Q: Why are men like laxatives? A: They irritate the shit out of you.
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't hear a vitamin.
Why is Islam in Iran so bad? Not exactly sure why, myself, it's just Shiite
Mew and Mewtwo are both on a slanted roof. Who falls first? Neither. They can both levitate.
I wonder if Morgan Freeman will be too busy narrating his own birthday party, to actually be able to enjoy it?
An Indian man died after hearing the price of pulses. The Doctor wrote "high pulse rate" as the cause of death.
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard
With some respect Son: Dad! Get your ass here! Mother: Son, you need to address your father with some respect. Son: Oh, ok. Dad! Get your ass here with some respect!
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist fuck.
her: tell me about yourself me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault
a friend told me i look like james taylor just after he went bald ;(
I'm Sorry Miss Jackson I'm sorry miss jackson I am four eels Never meant to make your daughter cry I am several fish and not a guy
So Howard Webb has retired from refereeing..In his honour, Manchester United have retired the penalty spot.
what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?
A boy asks his Jewish father for 50 dollars... The father looked at his son and asked, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"
"Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead." "Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?"
Hard to believe it's 2017 I'm still writing "this is a nightmare fuck everything omg" on my checks.
What is a male widow called? single
Guy calls his boss and says "I can't come in, I'm sick". Boss says, "you don't sound sick to me". Guy says, "I just got done fucking my dog how much sicker could I be?"
I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her. Dating is bullshit.
(calling) 'Hey Boss, what's the difference between work and your daughter?' 'I'm not coming into work today'
Husband, Wife and Doctor Joke Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets. Woman: When will he have these? Doctor: It's for you, not for him.
What actor do horses like the most? Matthew McConaug-hay
Using the little box on my MacBook charge cord to keep my feet warm, just like my ancestors did
What kind of Dog does Homer Simpson have? A DOH-berman!
I took my orchestra onto a train one day The conductor was rubbish
No Carl, I said "lick her" not wicker. Put the patio furniture away.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well it ain't three cause my basement is still dark.
One out of every ten people lives next to a pedophile... ...not me, I live next to two beautiful 8 year olds.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.
Let's make this bar joke week. Here's one to start: A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
Why do black people go to church? Because the father is actually there.
Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic.
Womans Rights see above
I keep having suicidal thoughts But I try not to get too hung up on them.
A truck carrying semen samples got into an accident... and lost it's load
Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust-free but underneath it's covered with rust Dealer: Yes sir. The car is rust-free. We didn't charge you for it  did we?
What's the difference between god and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.
If life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic.
What has 100 legs and 50 brain cells? The front row of a donald trump rally!
I don't like the song Stairway To Heaven because it implies that heaven is not wheelchair accessible.
My Asian friend said he had erection anxiety... I said: "what do you mean?" He said: "I don't want to see the dick rise to power."
What are the most fucked up jokes you have? Mine is: How do you make a scout cry twice? You wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.
When people see you as a competition, you already won.
Autocorrect is like being drunk: You only realise what it did after you have left a bad impression.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
What has 72 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
How does the redneck's wife know that her daughter is pregnant? her son's dick tastes like shit.
How many James Pattersons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll just hire a ghostwriter to do it for him.
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
What kind of punch hurts children the most? A sandy hook.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you're trying to return something that you've already worn.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they're playing minecraft.
I wish i was like my coffee. Rich and strong.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Why did the computer programmer put up his Christmas lights on Halloween? He always gets DEC 25 and OCT 31 confused.
What did the hebrew tree say when the French man asked it's name? Jew Maple
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there's no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
What do you call an irrelevant elephant. An irrelephant. ^^^I'm ^^^ending ^^^my ^^^life ^^^tonight ^^^boys.
"anyone for turkey burgers?" turkey: well sure haha "oh, it's not a burger for turkeys" turkey: what is it then "uhh" turkey: say it
"You lie like a doge!" I tell my wife. "So deceit!" I add. "Very fraud!" I mention. "Much fiction!" I point out. "Wow," she says.
There are 10 types of people Those who don't understand Binary, and 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 00100000 01100100 01101111 00101110
How many hipsters dose it take to change a light bulb? A: None they have a guy for that comes on Tuesdays only uses reproductions of antique bulbs
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
4 out of 5 Dentist agree that your low-cut blouse shows off your nice rack! The fifth Dentist wants to know where you got that blouse.
17: If I was gay would you still love me? Me: Of course. 17: If I committed crimes? Me: Yes. 17: If I voted for Trump- Me: Dead to me.
The closest I have ever come to being involved in a threesome was when having sex with a ventriloquist. I was stoned and VERY confused.
My New Years resolution was to not have any sex. Apparently
There is no amount of money I wouldn't pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter? I don't know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
ESPN First Take - Patriots' Players Question Rex Ryan's Defense
/r/cleanjokes hits 10K subscribers **/r/cleanjokes metrics:** Total Subscribers: 10,000 Subreddit Rank: 2,246 Milestones &amp; Subreddit Growth: http://redditmetrics.com/r/cleanjokes
According to the second law of thermodynamics......... According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me. :)
I wanted to learn about amputees on Wikipedia But I didn't learn much, because the article was a stub.
I went to the zoo, and the only animal they had was a dog it was a shih tzu.
Why would Gabe Newell be a better world leader than Hitler? There'd be no World War 3.
How do you get certified as an interior decorator? You don't pull out
Pro tip: If he pretends he can't hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified.
A black man picks up a girl from a nightclub... Back at his house, she says: "show me what they say about black men is true..." So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it "theiyr're."
A heads up.. So when searching for a place to eat at work and a coworker tells you about The Black Angus Campfire Feast and the boss is standing behind you. Check the spelling before hitting enter.
*george washington shows up to the club to party* you got i.d.?' *george pulls out a quarter* you're in'"
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I'm not that into rape culture It feels too forced.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex? Me: No, it's always George Clooney.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a frozen lake. They weren't talking so I decided to go over and break the ice.
A Russian man makes a remarkable discovery "What poor people there are in America," a man tells his comrade, "Their cars don't have hoods, their phones don't have buttons, and their wine is old!"
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can't park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
What does a time traveller do when he's hungry? He goes back four seconds!
What they don't tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
John: Yesterday... Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away George: But now it looks... Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren't wet enough
English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
"Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?" -my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Which nut is the angriest? The pistachio.
Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours so they decided to call it a day.
What do you call a penis with a doorbell? A ding dong.
I am not racist because racism is a crime and crime is for black people
How do you pick up a Muslim girl? Piece by piece
[Date] Karen: "You okay?" Ian: "I'm undressing you in my mind" K: "Okay... you look confused!" I: "I've never seen a bra strap like this"
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
I want to start a Precedents Day, but it's tough because there's never been one before.
[roulette] ME: [slaps table] 50 on red CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
A friend of mine once said all bars and clubs are haunted... It must be because of all the spirits
What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through one of his skits without laughing
I rang my boss and asked him "what is the difference between work and your daugter?" "I won't be coming into work today!"
When u r married When you are single you see happy couple every where, . But . When u r married . you see Happy Singles every where.........................
My mom has always assured me that when my dad died in the towers on 9/11, that the image of my face would have been the second last thing going through his head The last thing was the ceiling.
what did the mexican firecheif name his kids... Hose A and Hose B
Teens: I was an idiot when I was a kid 20s: I was an idiot when I was a teen 30s: I was an idiot in my 20s 33: if only there was a pattern
What's the best kind of alcohol for your liver? Nonanol.
*finally gets comfortable with you* *starts whispering in your ear* "oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order"
Wanna hear a joke?? Womens rights!! Even better? They believe it!!
Do you know what a 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
Sign at funeral home: ALL SALES FINAL
If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you.... Mockin'Bae
Why don't you make like a tree & get slammed into by my drunk uncle on Halloween 97 why didnt you call a cab Uncle Gary we miss you so much
What would George Washington do if he was alive today? Probably get suffocated in his collapsed coffin
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday. Me: I don't follow basketball.
Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
Where did the word "etymology" come from?
Many people are surprised to hear I'm married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader.......
Was gonna buy a new car but got my groceries for the week at Whole Foods instead
What's big, black, and hard? A Basson.
Why should you always invite Amish people to a party? They know how to raise the roof.
What did Sean Connery say when a book from his cupboard fell on him? I can only blame my shelf. Shout out to /r/shubreddit
Women like a man with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?
why was darth vader arrested? excessive use of force.
So a soccerball walks into a bar The bartender kicked him out.
What do mormons and tweakers have in common? They both ride bikes and are on a mission.
I started working for a company that made hinges It really opened a lot of doors for me
Why was Adele underneath a cow? So she could say "hello from the udder side"
Did anybody else see the lunar eclipse tonight? I looked, but I couldn't see it.
Why did the judge throw out Bram Stoker's lawsuit? His accusations weren't backed up by vampirical evidence
What's the difference between an Afghan Military Base and a Pakistani School? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
In Soviet Russia, Russia Soviet.
Have you heard about the free, legal, new release movie download service? Yeah, all that you need to do is hack into Sony's email server. HAHAHA... topical.
Four is equal to five Theorem: 4 = 5 Proof: -20 = -20 16 - 36 = 25 - 45 4^2 - 9*4 = 5^2 - 9*5 4^2 - 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 - 9*5 + 81/4 (4 - 9/2)^2 = (5 - 9/2)^2 4 - 9/2 = 5 - 9/2 4 = 5
My seven year old grandson made this one up. Why did the guy take his (computer) tablet to the cemetery? Because it was dead.
I'm incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management. I've never even held an entry-level position.
How do the Chinese vote? With their erections.
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now.
How is November's election like the Alien vs Predator movie? Whoever wins...we lose.
[weather guy on TV] "Today there will be 12 clouds. One is called Simon"
Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.
Where do you store a werewolf? In a were-house
Can't sleep because I'm afraid I'm going to miss the apocalypse.
A cream-filled doughnut and an eclair... ...decided to get a divorce. It's a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They're in for a long, grueling custardy battle.
My son is an ungrateful little shit! I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he'd rather sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
The butcher I worked with got behind in his work. He got his butt stuck in the meat grinder.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a spider? Bacon and scrambled leggs.
Whats the difference between a Greyhound bus station and a Lobster with a breast implant? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean ;)
What happens when you steal englishmens tea Elizabet II merges together with James Bond and Mr. Bean and creates an apocalypse machine.
What did the right nut say to the left nut? This guy in the middle thinks he's hard!
I've got a "bun" (baby) in the "oven" (oven)
What is Jay-Z's favorite type of seafood? That fish Cray.
The consequences of electing Trump... There will be heil toupee
Don't discriminate, hate everyone equally.
"Oooh look! Is that a comet?" - Well, actually the airport is real close by "Oh ok. Good idea. I'll call them and ask"
I vote we bring 80's music back and forget how to Dougie!!
How does a cheerleader answer the phone?  H-E-L-L-O!
Q: What is hard six inches long has two nuts  and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar
How many people live in the lower part of Italy? There are literally Sicilians.
A lot of people tell me that I'm funny... So I guess it's a good thing that looks aren't everything
People only hate jury duty because they have to go to a courthouse. Let em stay home and they'll tweet who's guilty all day.
What do you call the offspring of a black man and an octopus? I don't know but it sure can pick a lot of cotton.
What's the worst part about going down on a vegan? They taste like chicken.
"To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!" - Buzz Lightyear settles down
The Jewish Year is 5776. As of yesterday, the Chinese year is 4714... That means Jews had to exist for 1,062 years without Chinese Food. They call this time, "The Dark Age."
Did you hear about the guy with the invisible dick? He came out of nowhere.
What's the difference between a cheap hooker and an expensive one? You'll get crabs from the cheap one, and lobsters from the other. Heard this years ago, hope this ain't a repost. Cheers
Ever since I became blind I never looked back... Or forward, or right, or left.
What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie? Coincidence on 34th Street
Guess what? I fucked your mom
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent's sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
They changed something in the matrix... and now all the eigenvalues are wrong.
How many koalas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, given that he's koali-fied for the job.
Do you know the difference between a dildo and a chair? No? Watch out where you sit then.
Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch today. . Cook: There is. Fred: No there isn't. There's only cheese pie. Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
I have a love-hate relationship with hyphenated concepts
What's red and goes "Oh, Oh, Oh!"? Santa walking backwards.
I asked my dog why the cat hated him... He said, "Woof." I was like, "Wow, that's ruff."
I'm Going to stuff your stocking good.Wink. Wink.
I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn't tweeted in a year. They'll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.
How many black guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one - you fucking bigot.
Why did the baby squirrel wear a diaper? To hide his nuts!!
What's the difference between a Catholic and a Jew? At least when a Catholic scars you for life, you might get to cum.
This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.
Grammar The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Crocodile: "See ya later alligator." Alligator: "yeah, I don't do that anymore Jeff."
Luke tried to open a pull door by pushing... He had an extremely confused "luke" on his face
If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter.
What do you do if you see a spaceman? You park in it, man.
(New version) How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to genetically engineer people small enough to fit in a light bulb, and two to do the rest.
TIL: Amy Winehouse spent the last moment of her life watching her own video clips on Youtube before her death. She must have read the comments.
Hangs a sign on front door that says "Robbery in progress - Please do not disturb" to deter burglars
Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.
did you know jesus was irish? true story, he never held a job, had twelve drinking buddies, and his mum thought he was god.....
There was a fire in the aromatherapy candle factory. Things are much calmer now.
to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the "shout" song says "a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now"
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Dear freight trains, way to be stuck in the 19th century.
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
Who do people hate and love but is really hot and goes to beach everyday? Sun of a beach
Stupid joke I made up, 101: Where does a sandwich go when it gets good grades? Honor roll.
A termite walks into a bar... Is the bar tender here?
[Forest] GF: Oh god it's a bear! Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants* GF: What are you doing? Me: Making myself look big Bear: Well hi
What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night? Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
What's a life without manitees? A life with out porpoise.
A cunt. What do you call someone who says the punchline before the joke?
Boss: Let's be frank. Me: Dibs on "Sinatra."
At the Airport Customs: Where is your passport Me: *hands credit card* Customs: You can't bribe me Me: It's my visa
What do you say to a guy who is covered in rodents? Mice outfit!
What do you call the useless piece is skin on the end of the penis? The man.
Two avocados were crossing the road... .. One got hit by a truck so the other one said: Come on, guacamole, catch up!
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago. After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
What did the father buffalo say to his son going off to college? Bison.
What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand? Irish handcuffs.
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He kept getting nailed to the boards.
Happy alentine's ay! For people who won't get the D or V
Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.
The Filipino diving team.
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's hoo-ha and her mouth? Only half the stuff that comes out of her hoo-ha is retarded.
My town is so small... the Village Idiot doubles as the Mayor.
How many calories does the average ejaculated semen has? Apparently not enough to keep my baby alive
Cat: I think i have a rash. Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
What concert is worth 45 cents? 50 cent with Nickelback
Sext: You are a butterfly. I am a caterpillar. Surprise twist, I am Chris Hansen in a caterpillar suit. You are under arrest.
Photon A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk man asks if he has any luggage. The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."
America is basically a free country... you'd just have to inherit 19 trillion dollars in debt
Why was the Headless Horseman depressed? He could never seem to get ahead in life.
Free of Charge A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them. 8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentickles
What do tornadoes and blondes have in common? When they show up there's a lot of sucking and blowing, but when they're gone, your house and car are gone too.
Q: What did the momma corn say to baby corn? A: where is popcorn
Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.
Two Yogurts walk into a bar... The bartender says "hey! What do you think you're doing?! You can't be in here!" The yogurts respond, "why? We're two cultured individuals."
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
we put a man on the moon but we can't keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.
I'm so horny the crack of dawn better be careful around me
As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!
When i'm hungry I eat food.
A friend of mine told me she met a really cute boy in a bar who was solving equations on a napkin. I told her to look for his unknown.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar... Followed by Batman.
I think my doctor has OCD too... He diagnosed me with CDO.
"God damn it son. I'm not made out of honey!" - Father bee to son bee.
Some people were offended by Trump's remark that Hillary Clinton was "schlonged" by Obama during the 2008 Democratic primary! No this is the Donald's normal everyday shtump speech!
Girl are you the square root of -1? Because you're complex as fuck.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb None. It's a hardware issue
I was recently asked if I'd judge Mr. gay UK.  I said ''It wouId be my pIeasure. It's against nature, against God, and he's going to heII.'' - Jimmy Carr
What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist bastard
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
What's red and smells like white paint? Red paint.
What do people in Prague call abortions? Canceled Czechs
Q: Mom why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment dear.
I was tanning on the beach with my son. After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster." "Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked. He said, "No, you're just really ugly."
What do you call a dog in the library? A hush puppy.
Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics if sales go well he's going to write another book about Suffolk.
Some people just have a way with words, and other people ... oh ... not have way.
I bought a racehorse today and I named him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."
When I go shopping with my wife she thinks I'm bored because I'm looking at my phone the whole time. But that's exactly why I'm not bored.
How do you keep a idiot waiting? I'll tell you guys later.
Do you know two places to put water? Well Dam
What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile.
My password is the last 9 digits of pi.
[at the hunting store] Me: where's the camo gear? Clerk [winks]: exactly
A religious American just went on a killing spree with out killing anyone. Talk about a bad AIMish
Excuse me miss, you're a cat - a man who doesn't know how to cat call
If you're only 18, please don't post philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Why'd the air resistance committed suicide? Because he's always being neglected
Ma'am, your son is dead. Why, what happened, officer? He wasn't white and that wasn't right, we found he was black, and that was whack, so we shot him in the back.
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
It's a good thing I'm off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Why was the horizontal plane judged in Germany? It was x-axis
The awkward moment when you remember something but you don't know if it was real or just a dream.
How is Donald Trump going to shut down the department of education? By renaming it 'Trump University'!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anderson ! Anderson who ? Anderson and daughter came too !
Why have they created sweet tampons? for sour puss(ys)
Today a Gender Studies student asked me how our society viewed lesbians Apparently, in HD wasn't the correct answer. Time to update my display to 4K.
why did the cyclops close his school because he only had one pupil
Why couldn't the expert fisherman get any dates? Because he said he was a master baiter.
To girls suffering from a case of too many friend requests: Here is a free tip  Put some clothes on and post your real pictures without Photoshop or makeup. Problem solved!
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decaffeinated! Bah dum dum...ting
You don't give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!
Feed a man corn and he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn and he kills you and steals your land.
We get it, Japan. All of your cats can skateboard.
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra One of my favs
What is the difference between a wife and a mistress? About 20kg.
My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk.
My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y'all to never let your kids name your pets.
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it...
What's the difference between a cook and a homo? Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.
When I was a kid there were reports of alligators in the sewers that would come up through toilets. It turned out to be a croc of shit.
What do you call a government official that can't leave an airport because of a blizzard? Edward Snowed In
Disappointed in the Baja Men for never writing a song about putting the dogs back in.
Missus and I splitting. I blame her new job. Ever since she started at EA, our definitions of "exclusive" have really diverged.
I've been told I have to tell a joke about barometers... Ooh, the pressure.
Friend: "Omg, your parents are so nice!" ... You: "It's because you`re here.."
At an Irish wedding, someone said, "Would all the married men stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living?" The bartender was almost crushed to death.
How does Donald Trump keep a handle on integral equations? He grabs them by the +c.
Why do black people take such good care of a Chinese baby? Because black people make "Wong" decisions!
What do gay men say when they pray? AHHH **MEN**
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I'm having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
One in every 2 and a half men is HIV positive.
My good friend died having sex I guess you could say he came and went at the same time.
Why are cats against abortion? Because they're CATholic
This is one of those gems thought up at 4 am, why does nobody listen to Neo-Nazis? It's all just white noise.
whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south? nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!
What happensto nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes daytrogen ^I'msorry
What is an Italian mobster's favorite cooking oil? Cannoli Oil.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven't been able to bone my wife lately and I really think- DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Worrying over my viagra use Keeps me up most nights
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.
WHO'S ANGRY ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN WASHINGTON? AND WHY? I'M REALLY UNINFORMED.
What do you call a small parent? A minimum !
Who's concerts cost only 45 cents to attend? 50 Cent ft. Nickelback
"How dare you accuse us of cheating?" said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.
Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.
In 4th grade i pegged my gym teacher in the butt with a dodgeball then pretended to tie my shoes as he turned around. they were velcro
If Trump becomes president... It would be the first instance of a white billionaire kicking a black family out of public housing.
What's white and sticky? What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds? . The second coming of the Lord
People who put "Retired" on their Linked In acct: I'm not certain you've grasped the site.
What do you call a big butt? mASSive
Why did Waldo go to therapy? ..to find himself.
Just forgot the word 'bagel' and had to say, "round toast donut." I think I'm having a stroke.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today. *walks in dressed as Super Girl.
A man has been shot with a starting pistol... The police are pretty sure it's race related.
Doctor doctor nobody understands  me. What do you mean by that?
So, would you ever tell anybody if you woke naked in the middle of the woods, hung over with a sore ass? Wanna go camping?
I saw Bill Cosby at the bar last night... He asked me if I needed any sugar for my Long Island iced tea.
Co-worker: You drink a lot of coffee!!!! Me: It's for your own safety.
What's the best way too kill a Hipster?? throw em in the main stream
My wife and I decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring one.
What do rappers like on their burritos? Waka Flakamole I'll show myself out
[Eating] Waiter: How's the meal? Me: I dunno. Let me check *pulls out phone Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram Waiter: ...
When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one. Cause if I'm going to be freaked out, you should be too.
Yo mama is so fat, she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Wanna go for a bike ride?
In the Empire... In the Galactic Empire, there were two holonet channels. The first channel was Imperial propaganda, and the second was an Intelligence officer telling you to turn back to channel 1.
Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.
Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel? She was trying to blow the horn
911: What's your emer- She said don't get her anything for Valentine's Day! 911: And you didn't? No! 911: Placing you in protective custody.
I don't love my girlfriend anymore... ...she has grown up.
ENTER PASSWORD > bench85 PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN. > bench285 BRO!
What would Jesus's favorite gun be? A nail gun
What did the black kid get on his ACT? BBQ sauce
[soldier making lunch] Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Brussel sprouts are like blow jobs If you get 'em forced down your throat young you'll never have a taste for them when you're older
settle down twitter crush. i didn't ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i've picked for our kids
23% of traffic accidents involve cell phone use, but 77% do NOT involve cell phone use. Statistics don't lie. It's safer to use your phone.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Some people don't believe in New Year resolutions. Like everyone in this McDonald's drive thru.
What do you call a male camel toe? A moose knuckle
The "walk of shame" should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Why was the grandmother's license revoked? She had lost her fine motor skills.
There once was a chef who made gravy that was so good people couldn't stand up after tasting it... ...they fell for his roux.
I believe every child should be given a chance... ...and that's why if they can guess the number I'm thinking of, I'll let them go...
I was reading a book on Anti-Gravity I found it difficult to put down.
What do you call a blind gynecologist? A pain in the ass
You know how to scare a bunch of bees? BOOBIES!!!
Apparently, getting a vasectomy won't keep your wife from getting pregnant It just makes the baby's skin color black
How did the pig get out of the tree? The swine flu (joke my dad made up a couple years back during all this)
It's the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze
Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.
What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang? Gangs don't have to pay for friends.
Why did Jesus not play FIFA World Cup in 33 ? Because he was suspended ! EDIT : Mistyped title : Why Jesus didn't play in FIFA World Cup in 33 ?
All subjects can be funny with the right delivery, Except abortion jokes. Which by definition have no delivery.
I see ISIS is finally practicing Structured Programming. They're eliminating GOTOs.
If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.
[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna] "This isn't the bathroom is it"
The Fibonacci sequence... It's easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.
What do you call a reptile detective ? An investigator Sorry
I don't know why I just bought some coconut shampoo I haven't even got any coconuts.
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
What's the difference between Wendy's and Windows? Wendy's is never frozen.
Why was the tea so obstinate? Because it was steeped in tradition.
Let's give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they "hate it"!! They are the real heroes.
Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.
I asked a grape about parenthood But it didn't know much about baby raisin.
My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
She said a lot of F words and I don't think it stands for fabulous.
It doesn't bother me when people tell me my dick is a joke. But I love it when they can take a joke.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I used to have a great job as a lifeguard, until this blue kid got me fired.
If apple made a car would it have windows?
I'm diabetic, and I can't eat sweets It'll cost me an arm and a leg. (It's ok for me to post this, cos I am actually a diabetic)
life hack #1 never poop before work even if u are about to shit yourself on the way cuz that just means u get one more break
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store".
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
A guy told me I'm bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Forrest Whitaker turned 51 today, his right eye turned 47.
What did the Middle Eastern dictator say after he had lunch? I ate too many chickpeas, now I falafel.
I just bought sunglasses off of the black market The trade was very shady.
At The Olympics At the Olympics, a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Are you a pole vaulter?" "No, I'm German. How did you know my name is Walter?"
People keep mixing up my jokes and my sex They groan at my jokes, and they laugh at my sex.
My girlfriend broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a weird thing to fallout 4. I know this is a repost but I just hoped this would blow up.
To sick to work This guy phones in to work, tells his boss he is to sick to come. So the boss says, " Sorry to hear, how sick are you ? Guy replies, " Very, I'm in bed with my sister."
What's the difference between america and a yoghurt? A yoghurt develops a culture After sitting there for 100 years.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, "I love you too!" while hanging out of the sunroof. Me, 1 Kids, 0
What would be Jesus' favorite gun? A Nail Gun.
Waitress: need anything else? Me: yes, a cup of black coffee. W: and how would u like your coffee? M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Why does Santa have no children? Because he only comes once a year. Bonus! Why did Santa's wife divorce him? She wasn't the only one receiving his "package".
I don't care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I'm using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom's a who
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving "costume" party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb? Who says it's dark?
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
My car keeps pulling to the right forcing me to steer left. Either the alignment is off or I'm trying to drive a Republican.
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
Have you heard about the new iPhone Plus? I reckon it's gonna be a huge 6s... Get it ;)
What is your dog's favorite breakfast?  Pooched eggs!
What does a "yes man" say? I don't no
How many fingers does the dragonborn have? 8 fingers and 2 Thu"ums... Unless the dragonborn only has a Haafingar
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention. I thought "Concentration Camp" would be a gold mine.
I just found out I'm colorblind... It sure came out of the yellow.
Stephen Hawking wrote another book, It's about time.
Sweaters aren't the only garment named after a gross bodily function... There's wind breakers, too
"Okay, just gonna check Twitter ONE MORE TIME and then I'll get back to work." - me, always
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver's license.
30 And to his followers he said, "Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they'll never get to see me in concert."
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he's holding my hand & crying about his childhood. I need to wipe.
It's convenient for my password security needs that my mother's maiden name is Waffles4%
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder? An acquaintance
ISIS is really the worst... ... we should bomb them back to the -- whoops, never mind.
Please pray for me: I recently found out that nobody's praying for me
What did the rat say to the cat? Nothing, cats don't talk you fucking idiot.
I like my women like I like my hamburgers With enriched white buns...
A family walks into a r/jokes hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the reposts are disabled." the guy at the desk replies "it's all reposts here you sick fuck"
What's green, has six legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A snooker table
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.
You can tell that Donald Trump isn't Amish ...because he is terrible at building a Cabinet.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
there were two jalapenos sitting at the north pole then the one said "is it just me or is the weather getting a bit chilli?"
Why is it so tough being a paedophile? It's hard fitting in.
Talk to your doctor about Chillaxin (Side-effects include incontinence, hallucinations, drooling, naps, shy dooky & death)
Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline.
You know what they say about prostitution? It's not really work if you love who you do.
What's it called when a cow attempts to jump a barbed-wire fence? An udder disaster
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
god: behold, my creatio-- people: some rocks are more important than others god: what? people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock
All this talk about Trump hating immigrants... Yet he married two of them.
[getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I'm going down, you're coming with me.
Yo moma is so fat I can see everything behind her
I love dicks. I went there the other day, and they have great products and really friendly staff!
What's the difference between a slave owner and Bernie Sanders The slave owner's Dick works Note: The slave owner has a slave named Dick
Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for  rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...
Anybody else miss a time when if you REALLY wanted to show a pop idol you loved them, you assassinated them? (ATTN Bieber fans)
Danger is my middle name. First name: Avoid. Last name: At-All-Costs-Like-A-Total-Pussy
[i start thinking about an imminent problem] Hmm this is unpleasant. I better address this situation by not thinking about it anymore
I Beat my wife like I Beat my Dick. All the time.
How do you piss off a Texan? Cut Alaska in two and make Texas the third largest state!
Why did the hipster burn his mouth Because he drank his coffee before it was cool
I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn't want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.
Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats
*goes into kitchen *makes toast *pours coffee *sits at table *opens Sunday paper "WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?" *sighs *leaves
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won't be majoring in history.
What do you call a bunch of pro wrestlers hitting each other with blocks of cheddar and wheels of gouda? Battle Royale with cheese.
What do you call homeless BDSM? Vagabondage.
nickel back joke If I had the world's most expensive nickel, then someone of class would actually want their nickel back.
What did they call it when NHL officials  refused to allow a hamburger to play hockey in the league? Rink injustice!
Boss says, "its the 3rd time you've been late this week! Do you know what that means??" Me, "err... It's Wednesday?"
What is faster than silver surfer? Quicksilver Surfer! :D
Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a "funny uncle" in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
TIFU By having one night stand It broke and I don't have another to replace it with
FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia ME:what's that FRIEND:it's where you can't sleep ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
I've been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.
I recently watched my wedding video backwards. I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.
everyone's always asking me 'is your son named after the movie?' and I'm like no idiot Sharknado's 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
So a wizard was walking down the street... Then he turned into a driveway.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I'm more optimistic than most. Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full. I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"
Two satellites decide to get married. The wedding wasn't "all that," but the reception was great!
What if... Obama was secretly working for the government?
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
I like to stand near people on gluten-free diets and eat as much gluten as I can and say things like "Mmmm, sweet gluten."
50/50- What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
I fell asleep on a tanning bed... Now I'm out of my grandfather's will
if you receive a mason jar at no cost.... does that make it a freemason jar?
Why do Apple computer users always tell sexist jokes? Because they aren't PC
james[jesus' brother]: i need off my bro passed away boss: gotcha man [3 days later] james: i need off my brothers in town boss: now hold on
What's the brightest airship ever made? LED Zeppelin
Why did Germany lose WW2? Three Reichs and you're out
Here's a joke! My social life!
After taking a massive dump, a cockroach in toilet bowl startled me so badly I forgot to flush. I was scared shitless...
When I was a kid, I used to dream about swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Now I realize that it was just a fanta-sea.
Vaccines comes from doctors --> Doctors are part of Obamacare --> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
So while Lane Kiffin was managing the Alabama offensive... he had Nick Saban's daughter handling the D?
No child donuts left behind.
Only assholes shit in urinals
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth Get out of the way your in my light!
How do you get beer from root beer? You pour it in a square glass.
LET'S GET ALL FUCKED UP ON HALLUCINOGENS AND REARRANGE OUR NETFLIX QUEUES!!!
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake. Even if it is no one's birthday. They don't even check.
When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming. It's a real icebreaker.
TIL that my neighbors really like the metal song i'm playing on my 7.1 sound system I figured because he thrown a brick at my window to hear it better ! \m/
Why didn't I play in the Woman's world chess championships? Because I ran
 I'm a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I'm Wanted / dead and alive! - Bon Schroedi
What does Iraq and Bristol Palin have in common? Both of them are hard to pull out of.
Called into work sick. My boss asked how sick I am... I said 'well I'm in bed with my sister'
I've just made an abortion. I'm not kidding.
What kind of pants do the Mario Brothers wear? Denim denim denim.
I'm definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store. Oh, wait. That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt. I'm the second most successful guy.
Why did the chicken fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
Which anti-virus software do pirates prefer? Avast, ye scurvy dogs!
"It's over there by the Walgreens" - directions to anywhere
If I were Hillary, I'd ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff
What do you call a group of black people? A Orniggasation!
You've got to be careful once you start cooking with Crisco. It's a slippery slope.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.
What's worse than a centipede with sore feet? A giraffe with a sore throat.
If I don't wake up with Britney Spears' body circa "I'm a Slave 4 U" and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa's not real.
New drinking game Take a shot everytime they ask "Are we there yet" I've gone through two bottles of vodka at mile 149
What is the difference between a horror fiction writer and a disabled physicist? Haw
What did the broke zombie amusement park say to the wealthy vampire golf course? I just need to get fundead.
Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man
What do you call a Mathematician who is an outlaw and a liar? an outlier downvote brigade can start now
Grandpa died having sex. His past words were "Oh God I'm coming!"
Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop" Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-" Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"
I love you, too because I love you less than three &lt;3
How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
[flicks cigarette out window] submarine captain: you fool!
What is worse than an alligator with toothache ? A centipede with athlete's foot !
My husband asked if I've heard of Justin Bieber. Then he hooked up the horse and plowed the back 40 because he's Amish, apparently.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn't as funny when you do it by yourself
What do transgender cannibals call the blood of Christ? Cross dressing.
Whats The difference between Stealing Cookies from a Jar and Child Molesting? Ive only ever been caught stealing cookies.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
People say Donald trump is inexperienced as a politician... But he's the best damn liar I've ever seen!
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I don't jam after drinking a gallon of nut butter.
Where was Hitler sitting? Third from the Reich
I'm a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I like how supermarkets don't give a shit if an avocado is anywhere near ripe. They're like "here, buy this, it may eventually become food"
Elephant and a naked man An elephant walks up to a man who was not wearing clothes and asked, "How do you breathe out of that thing??"
What did the polite bacteria say to the mouth? GingINVITEus in!
And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math..."
Why Jared Leto should win an osvar for Suicide Squad. *spoilers Not ONCE did his Joker mention that he's a vegan.
What do you call a Jihadist that loves turkey? A Tryptophanatic.
Don't insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.
Teacher: Did your parents help you with these homework problems? Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!
What's better than roses on my piano? Tulips on my organ.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo
Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Did you hear about the new virtual reality fellatio program? It's a real mind-blowing experience.
I don't see the point of buying an autobiography when I can just flip to the last page and read the author's biography.
I stopped listening to my parents' advice after they told me not to eat paste, and it was delicious.
The toilet paper at work is rolled in improper underhand fashion. Should I call maintenance or hold it until I get home?
"I'm proud to be an American" "I'm proud to be American!" said the American. "I'm proud to be Canadian!" said the Canadian. "I'm proud to be German!" said the Nazi.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
LPT: Converting your dishwasher into a snow blower! Give the bitch a shovel!
Damn girl, are you misplaced silverware? Because why aren't you in the kitchen?
The nsa Because they are a fucking joke
Don't invest in SeaWorld It's really starting to tank
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you.
Because Nickleback sucks too.... So Avril Lavigne is Married to a fellow Canadian, who is a band member of Nickleback.... Apparently Canada does not have laws against same suck marriage. ba dump bump!
I'm so chuffed with myself! I just completed a puzzle in 40 minutes The box said 3-4 years
If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called "Responsibly". I wouldn't even have to pay for advertising.
As a teen I assumed the best thing about being an adult would be going to bed as late as I wanted. Little did I realise it's the opposite.
I can make you speak even MORE Irish. Say this five times fast: "Your fork can eat jet."
Thursday is like your high school boyfriend. It feels good but you know something better is right around the corner.
Why are penguins socially awkward? Because they can't break the ice.
How does Mike Tyson get smarter? By taking a math gainer.
My wife does a HILARIOUS John Goodman impression. Doesn't hurt that she looks exactly like him.
I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket He said "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My wife.... "Thanks to my wife I am now a millionaire!" "Wow that's great!" "I was a billionaire..."
Where was Matthew McConaughey headed in those Lincoln commercials? Dunno but I'm sure he made all rights all rights all rights.
Why did the hippie put his money in the  refrigerator? He liked cold cash.
My band were thinking about doing a concert in space... ...but then we realised there would probably be no atmosphere.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Why don't old ladies receive orals sex? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Natural Disasters are just Mother Nature's way of saying, "How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess? Go to your room.."
For an extra $20, you can purchase a mountain bike instead of a Kia.
I'm right 97% of the time. So who cares about the other 4%?
How do you make a little boy cry twice? Rub your bloody dick on his teddy bear. (think about it)
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bridget ! Bridget who ? London Bridget is falling down falling down... !
Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and  unlimited plan.
I like my jokes like I like my pizza Cheesy 
Two roads diverged in the woods. I took the road less traveled and now I'm a werewolf. Thanks, poetry.
It's so hard explaining puns to kleptomaniacs they take things literally
I put methanol in the punch bowl... ...and now I can't find the punch line.
A group of sex toy manufacturers are discussing the success of their products... and they decided that only dildos had really achieved market penetration.
What do you get when a truck full of potatoes drives into kindergarten full of kids? Moussaka
I asked my wife for the newspaper I said to my wife, "Get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." The spider didn't see that coming.
i don't know if that's a burrito in your pocket or if you're happy to see me but at that size i'd be interested in both
How can you tell the sex of an ant? Throw it into a pool. If it sinks, it is a girl ant. If it floats, then it is a "BUOYANT".
A gentler Tarantino movie where the two tough hoods argue about whether Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins was a better lead singer in Genesis.
Review of "grandma": slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can't bench for shit, no karate, basically racist 
I used to be an adventurer until I took a knee to the arrow
I'm walking a mile in someone elses shoes today. Not to be tolerant; but because I can't find mine and my son wears the same size.
Hey! Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His pants fit like a glove
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
each Subway franchise owns a tiny shred of Jared's fat pants. if you pay $50 you may gaze at the relic
Im making a heavy metal band... Im thinking of naming it Lead-arsenic-mercury.
Why does being a Chinese knight suck? Because everyone always aims for the chink in the armor.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. - Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
If I had the power to control people's minds like Professor Xavier I'd probably just make them get me snacks.
Judging by my handwriting possible future career choices include doctor or kindergartner.
What do you call it when a man screams at a woman Abuse What do you call it when a woman screams at a man Feminism
What do Anne Frank and Bin Laden have in common? They're both hide and seek champions!
Why did the paralympic athlete loose the race? He didn't start off with the right foot. EDIT: Ortography
What do you call a guy with no nuts and a horn on his head? A eunucorn.
Chinese takeaway - 17 Delivery charge - 1 Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers - Riceless
When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want" Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options
[at restaurant]] 8yo: why does mom eat half of your food? Me: because.. Wife *evil glare* Me *terrified* because I don't want it.
When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.
You're like my hard drive. Fat and 32
One time, at this party... I went to get a drink and there was no punch line.
While my husband is gone I was cleaning...the Nutella jar. He will be impressed at how I gained 10lbs in 4hrs.
What side of the chicken has the most feathers? The Outside!
What functions worse than the US Government? A Greek Bank.
Every time I think my posts suck ... I just go read everyone else's and then I feel much better.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that's my cat and I need him back, we aren't done yet.
I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do." If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.
CATCHING A SQUIRREL Q: How do you catch a squirrel? A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I'd rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I was carrying some spaghetti as I walked past a priest.. You could say I moved some pasta past a pastor.
I'm no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.
Do lesbians ever rock and paper?
For a perfectly shaved forearm reach for the last Pringle in the can.
"I have no porpoise!" -existential marine biologist.
There's been a lot of sexual assaults at a bread store in India The media's calling it the Rape of Naan King
The tornado warning siren has just stopped going off That's either good or terrible
What do you call a potato shaped like a penis? A dicktater
what do you call a rhinoceros mixed with george washington? hell if i know.
I was arrested at a New Year's party last night I'm sorry, but when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your fight or flight instincts kick in...
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
[God creating pufferfish] How about a terrifying balloon
The Irish Alligator His name was Croc O'Dile.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you're a wizard.
Person submits resume and gets a job. .
I once opened a box of Life. All I found was disappointment.
How can if you have a stupid dog ? It chases parked cars !
"Spelt" is a type of wheat. "Spelled" is what you just did incorrectly.
son: I don't think he likes me wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
A duck fell into the sewer system the other day... It was pretty fowl-smelling.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. I'm so sorry..
If you can't walk into your walk in closet, you might just live with your girlfriend.
Why was the powerful Jedi a terrible comedian? Too *forced*, his punchlines were
What did the wife say after she got caught having sex with his husband's best friend while watching Toy Story... ~You got a friend in me~
What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
11 million Americans spend half their income on steam ... In June.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
What do you call a lesbian with big fingers? Well hung.
Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing? Answer: Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
Lead me not into  temptation... fcuk that, follow me, I know a shortcut.
I recently came into a HUGE amount of money. Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
According to NASA Size DOES matter.
I can't argue with your love for bananas They have a peel...
Why can't Arabs manage the scoreboards at ball games? Because people get nervous when Mohammad starts counting down from 10.
How do you fit four gays on one stool? Flip it upside-down. (sorry in advance)
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I'm real good at crimes! "No" Why? "YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE"
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation? Even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
I want to create a show called "Deja Vu" simply for the "Previously on Deja Vu".
Christian politicians hate science because they think it's always talking about two Adams bonding
What does Elvis say when he gets an infection that standard antibiotics can't treat? MRSA!
What do you call a single use phone book? The YOLO pages.
Did you hear the one about Laurence the Roman Pot Smoker? It was High Larrius
What is expected from ISIS women? Blow jobs.
In which month is the NYC fashion week? Fabruary, of course.
What do you call women who get beat by their alcoholic husbands? Beer-battered wives
A guy walks into a bar... And says "ouch."
What did Caesar say after crossing the river Rubicon? "Can someone get me some dry socks?"
I caught my brother sleeping with my girlfriend... So I decided to get revenge and sleep with his mom.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone? The second telephone.
What is a crevice that is owned by someone and not allowed to be stepped into? None of your abyss-ness
A frustrated doctor walks into a bar The bar tender asks, why are you fuming The doctor responds,"I DONT HAVE ENOUGH PATIENCE"
So, you don't like hypothermia? All the cool kids are getting it.
If I had $100 for every time I'd had sex I might break even.
Why were the ducks arrested? They were selling quack in the park.
Why do hunters close one eye before shooting? Because if they close the other, they can't see!
What's a narcoleptics favorite game? Hide and go sleep.
I entered my first masturbation competition at the weekend... I came last
What is it called when a gangster kills his friend? A Homie-cide
What do you call a floating potato? A levi-tater.
A Roman Walks Into a Bar... and holds up his middle and pointer fingers. "Five beers please," he says.
*high fives self* *misses*
I got gas today for $1.09! Too bad it was from Taco Bell.
Sees 40+ notifications. Starts to wonder if I accidentally uploaded a nude.
Whats the best way to watch porn? In double HD.
But, your honor... she told me she shaved it!
I got a new German cell phone I put it on airplane mode. It locked me out and then crashed
My friend said that onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I killed his mom with a coconut.
Where do Pandas live? On the road to Extinction.
Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella? Fo da drizzle.
What kind of doctor is always on call? An oncologist! ... I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
What is a tampon's favorite food? Scrambled egg
every Lifetime movie needs a scene where a woman angrily packs a suitcase
What's the difference between God and Trump? God doesn't think he's Donald Trump!
Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
What is the fastest mineral in the world? The malacheetah.
How did Camelot get its name? Guinevere liked to hump a lot.
Joseph and Mary are having a romp in the hay. Mary says, "what if I get pregnant, what will I tell them?" Joseph replies, "you will think of something."
How did German men pick up Jewish women in the 1940s? With a dustpan and broom.
What happens when a male prostitute trains another male prostitute? He takes him under his wang.
Two Cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks... Does this taste funny to you?
What do Trump and lip stick have in common? Both make Hillary Clinton more attractive.
putting a sweater on your dog?? lol what's next, another harmless thing that only bothers me because i'm lonely
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can't figure out why she's crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
I think Adam Johnson should remain on FIFA 16 Because it means that kids will get to play with him for once
What do you get when you mix Nyquil and MiraLAX? Relaxatives.
Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank!
Don't lose the girl of your life, for the hoe of the night.
Why don't witches wear panties when flying? To get a better grip on the broomstick.
Your life may be an open book, but could you skip to the good parts.
Why is it impossible to starve in a desert? Because of the sand, which is everywhere.
What does a memelord put on his sandwich? L-mayo
Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didn't call it hair club for men...
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child. FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Remember back in the day, when you used to blow bubbles? Well, bubbles is back in town and he's looking for your number.
What's the best thing about doing 23 year olds!? There's 20 of them.
Maggie Thatcher Just heard they have cancelled the funeral. ATOS have declared Maggie fit for work!
I bet it really confuses poor Forrest Gump to see Lt. Dan on TV solving crimes in New York.
Her: I'm going to the gym Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine
What did the male and female skeletons do to pass the time? (NSFW) They Boned!
Just checked out Jian Ghomeshi's band Moxy Fruvous for the first time... Not bad. That guy can really keep a beat.
What is the difference between an Olympic runner and Hitler? An Olympic runner can finish a race.
Fidel Castro just died, Cubans can be finally happy that their country will be ruled by the young generation led by a much younger leader. His 85 year old brother!
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they spot a young boy on the other side. The priest says, "Hey! Let's go fuck him!" The rabbi thinks for a second and asks, "Out of what?"
How do you make a hormone? It's easy they usually fake it anyway
How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.
11: You know what would be really ironic? Me: No, what? 11: If someone died in their...living room. The Twitter is strong in this one.
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and  a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? Beats me, but the flag's a big plus.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
What's another name for a necrophile? A dissexual.
A friend of mine has a left foot fetish. It's just not right.
Why does Bill Clinton chew gum all the time? He has an oral fixation.
[police interrogation room] Officer: you've been identified as the runner who.. Me: Let me stop you right there.
Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd. "Look! Hahaha!" yells the Joker. Batman glances up at the jumbotron. GODDAMN the kiss cam.
"Knock knock." "Who is there?" "The pilot, open this damn door"
Can you believe Five Guys is a hamburger place and not an orgy store?! I'm too under dressed and overlubed to eat a hamburger now.
I don't need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Whats the last thing that goes thru a bug's mind when it hits the windshield? Its ass.
What do you do you with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
How is a picket fence like a mini skirt? They both protect the property but they don't spoil the view.
Kinder No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Wife: Go out for breakfast? Me: Sure! Wife: Ok, let me shower first. *showers, dresses & puts on makeup* Me: Where should we have lunch?
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Why did the chimpanzee poop in his pants? because he went apeshit
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven't heard back from North Korea yet.
My drug dealer ... cracks me up.
There is a new kind of bread in the Ukraine that is the most popular. I don't know what it is called but it is Putin free.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from? Neil: I dunno where Buzz: the moooon haha .. .. *single gunshot* Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
What's the deal with Arab Airlines food... Emirate?
I want to live the kind of life that when St. Peter looks over my list of sins he gives me a high-five before he sends me to hell.
I saw a funny post on 9GAG but then I realized I had already Reddit.
I was eating a danish... http://youtu.be/b5FQKsEgLnQ
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework Me: -holds up yellow Me: What color is this? 4: McDonalds The end
Why does Peter Pan always fly? I'm sure no one will get this! It can't be a re-post. I checked.
Why did the trekkie spit out her latte at the Star Trek Convention? Cause William Shatner Coffee. hahahha
Umlaut is a pretty fancy word for what are basically just letter nipples.
What do the titanic and Madelaine McCann have in common? They're both at the bottom of the ocean and full of seamen
My kids had a shirt made for me that says 'father of the year 2014 quarter finalist'.
Every time my friend plays with his xbox... She is left thinking that they are getting back together.
For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn't make that movie sound...at all.
At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.
Unfortunately a skeleton couldn't go the prom He had nobody to go with.
Match dot com, but for socks.
There are 3 genders Male Female IMAGINATION
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ? He wanted Mark Antony !
So I see your name is tiff I should hook you up with my friend gif, he's just like you only a little more animated
Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?
The mall Im a New Yorker, and I hate malls. I like to compare them to hell. The average mall has seven levels, the people their want you to go to the mall, and everyone there is republican
Falling asleep at work didn't get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree! I may not be a girl, but I'm blonde and find blonde jokes hilarious. xD
My father had cancer and he had only 3 months to live. By the end, he ended up surprising everyone. He died in one month.
Did you hear about the man with no penis? He went home and gave his wife a right bollocking.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!?! A CURE FOR TOURETTES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!?! FUCK!!!
Saying "EA Sports it's in the game," along with the guy who says it.
Post? Post and repost are on a bridge. Post jumps off. Who is left?
What's in common between a sprinkler and the answer i got if she wanted anal? Tsk Tsk Tsk Tsk
Why are the bears such a bad football team? Because when they were little, they were cubs. I'm so sorry
What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player? Bear Jordan.
Did you hear about Mr and Mrs Ballbearing? Yeah, they just had a BB.
Can a psychotherapist fix psycho the rapist?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
a peaceful man was so opposed to war that he upon reading his draft notice he passed out and remained comatose for the duration of the war he was an unconscientious objector
What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off and say you're sorry.
I asked God for a bike But I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.
What university has the most brightest students and staff? University of Brighton
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit
If you ask a lot of questions and then rob the cab driver, every cab becomes a cash cab.
A Chinese couple recently gave birth to a 7lb, 6oz baby girl, who suffers from albinism Just goes to show that sometimes, two Wongs CAN make a white.
Whats the difference between normal barbie and divorced barbie? The divorced barbie is $399 because it comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture, etc.
Me: "This new flavour of Pringles is horrible." Wife: "You're eating a tube of tennis balls."
In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes
What's a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?
A simple "Fuck you" can save hours of conversation.
If you get a tattoo of a thermos, Is it now a thermostat?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] "come to me baby, and jump, and oops... You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear."
Why didn't the cow go to the barn? He wasn't in the mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.
What does a submarine full of gay guys smell like? Sea Men
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If I was a president, I would make bigger schools So that we can have a higher education
I slept like a baby last night I shat my pants and woke up every two hours
Just read a story in a magazine that a woman is claiming she was raped by an alien.. Big Deal!.. So was Lady Gaga's mother
I was wondering why I wasn't picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I accidentally sent my essay to a 3D printer It came out as a pile of shit.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i've banged a model.
... My life up till now! Hayyooooo!! :/
America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president. You could say they are going toupee for it.
If Jesus is the Lamb of God? Does that mean mary had a little lamb?
What side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.
I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either.
Cane sugar is the best! It just can't be beet!
My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.
TIL 90% of statistics are bullshit, including this one.
What is a Canadian's favorite nirvana song? All Apologies
[NSFW] If sex with three people is a threesome And sex with two people is a twosome... Then I get why some people call me handsome.
Aardvarks aare so aanoying. Aalmost everything theyre aasociated with is aanoying. I get Aangry just thinking aabout them. Aalso Aarons.
3 guys just arrived to heaven and... 3 guys just arrived to heaven and then Jesus proceeds to call by their names: - "Rand" kiss my hand! - "Pete" kiss my feet! Then Jesus: Rick!? Why are you running?
I couldn't remember the name of a Skrillex song, so I tried to sing it for my friend, ended up puking and he guessed it.
I like jokes that don't take long to read.
I would make a joke about your mom but cows are holy in India
Are you the new English teacher? Yes I are.
How does Dalai Lama send emails? With no attachments.
I don't get why people pay to exercise in a GYM when it's FREE to not exercise.
My girlfriend told me I treat her like a child so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself
My wife and I were watching some Show jumping. She looked at one of the horses and cackled, "Look at the cock on that thing!" I said, "Don't be rude, he's probably a nice guy."
What's Hillary's thoughts about her campaign? Iran, Iraq, I lost
Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice &amp; dump in a can of peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, ya kick him in the ice-hole.
How do u stop a black person from jumping on the bed Put Velcro on the roof
A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... They've all heard this joke before.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I? "Don't worry. You're home in America" But...I'm Swedish! "World Emperor Trump will explain everything"
Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.
Miley Cyrus's VMA preformance... Was so classless Karl Marx came in his grave
Where do all the normies play? In the areeeeeiiiiiiiiina
[gets kidnapped] Hold up, I forgot my phone charger.
What is the difference between a  locomotive engineer and a teacher? One minds the train the other trains the mind.
What do you call a gay light fixture? A chandiqueer
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my wiener in a car exhaust pipe
what's wrong son? that kid said he's cooler than me what? impossible. what kid? *in my head im like don't be the kid with pegs on his bike*
So, turns out the Virgin Mary was a prostitute... Cause she had sex with God for a little prophet.
"Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly" *gestures to 237 IKEA boxes* "Let's begin! Who's got the Allen wrench?"
Did the girl ever go to the whore Olympics? Nah, she couldn't be fucked.
Why isn't a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
What's a Londoner's favorite seafood? King's Crustacean.
If there was such a thing g as competitive Bible Study, would the championships be called prayoffs?
What is the best gift to give a gay geneticist? designer genes
This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
Crime really does happen at Pokestops! I met up with my dealer at one last night.
What do you call a fat computer A dell
As a matter of fact, I _AM_ trying to cause a big sensation... Just talkin' 'bout double p-penetration
I've been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it's an ancient nerd burial ground
Why did the hotel manager refuse to rent his rooms out to people? He needed places to hide the bodies.
what do you call an asian supply warehouse party? A surprise party!
What's Black White And Red All Over? A Police Shootout
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar  plantation? He said "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."
What's the worst part about being a gay bathhouse attendant? Shitty tips.
Why was the peanut so salty? Because it got R O A S T E D
"I bumped into your wife yesterday" "Oh, where?" "You know the cafe opposite the S&M club?" "Yes" "Opposite that cafe"
Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant "food." I try to find the food in every situation.
I want to start my own distillery, but i'm a bit hesitant.... it's a whisky business.
What is better than getting a gold medal at the paralympics? Having legs.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches... Courtesy of the late Redd Foxx.
If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If life gives you melons... You might have sex daily!
Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in? Dr.: a plastic bag
What do you call a con artist panda? A bamboozler
The lights at the Chinese restaurant were too bright... ... so the manager had to dim sum
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer... I give a shit when my computer crashes.
What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing you just run away!
Why isn't soap cool? Because it's basic.
Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled? Because he's a bad wrapper
Pedophiles may be bad people... ... but at least they drive slow through the school zones
Bit of a dad joke - trains in jail Q. Why are trains always being falsely imprisoned? A. Because of their loco motives
A fanny pack is a great place to store your manhood.
What do you with a crazy girl knocking on your door? You don't let her out.
What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!
How did they get John McAfee out of Guatemala? McAfee Removal Tool
What time is it when 10 elephants are chasing you? 10 after 1
Q: What do a telephone and a dog have in common? A: They both have collar ID.
You can always count on me. Unless standing up for you will make people hate me. Then you're on your own.
Have you guys heard what kind of oil Fort McMurray is into these days? Turmoil
People ask me "Why are you single? You're attractive, intelligent, and have an amazing personality". My response: "I'm overqualified".
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you're on a diet.
"I don't want no scrubs" a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I'm good.
When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say "its extra is that ok?" if u say its not ok they give it to u for free
People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.
What did the lawyer say after the short trial? That was a brief case.
Relationships are like fat people... most of them don't work out.
i like trains thats the joke. HAHAHAHAH!!!!
[Job interview] "How would you describe yourself?" "I'd use the appropriate adjectives." "Anything else?" "Over-literal sometimes."
Did you hear about the man that slept on corduroy pillow? No? I'm surprised, it made headlines!
Why did the mathematician get pulled over? for drinking and deriving
[2021] One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal. HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Label every torrent you upload with your e-mail address and other contact information so peers can thank you
Do you want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
Last night I was so drunk I blew chunks. Chunks is my dog.
Did Abraham's brother have any kids? Yes. A Lot.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I tried calling in sick for work today. Apparently being "sick of work" isn't an illness.
My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.
The difference between dates and prunes? You don't get laid after prunes (Courtesy of my date last night after I asked her this question seriously)
I hate to admit it but my views on life in the arctic are very polarised.
Jackie Chan is in the new 'Star Wars' He's a Thai Fighter
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno... ...there is a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice in your life too.
Utensils Guy 1: "Hey, did you hear that Joe got knifed the other day?" Guy 2: "That's forked up!" Guy 1: *glares at Guy 2* Guy 2: "What? Too spoon?*
Put the punchline in the title How to ruin a joke.
Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the other side.
I hear that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes Probably why I'm an only child.
Apparently women like tall men as it makes them feel protected. That's probably why men like thin women, so they can see predators sneaking up behind the women.
Why did the gamer cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out
A man goes to the doctor... ...and the doctor tells him he has dyslexia. The man replies, "Dyslexia? I just met her!"
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Why did the duck leave his flock? Because he wanted to be a-loone.
I want to call my daughter Bellaillusions... because tricks are something a whore does for money.
What's faster hot or cold? Hot! Because anyone can catch a cold! buh duh tsst
MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves! FOX: What's next, thought crimes? CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
Ray Rice and Janay Rice go together..... like peanut butter..and whatever punches peanut butter in the face
Who's the only person known to have had sex with OP's mom? Sheriff Andy Taylor
A man desperately clings to reality as he laid on his mothers grave. Another man walks by and says "Good mourning!"
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
What was the last thing that Columbus said to his sailors before getting on the ship? "Okay men, get on the ship."
I thought it was good to get a bonus. It sucks getting a bonus chromosome.
someone stole my chair! deceitful...
I met a pirate the other day that had a steering wheel in his pants. I asked him what that was. He said: "rrrr ...i don't what it izz but it's driving mezzz nuts"
TIL: that changing a light bulb is not as easy as it sounds. On my first day as a lighthouse keeper.
Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side!
Two atoms in a pub Two atoms meet in the pub. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The second atom with a strong British accent asks, 'Are you sure?' The first one replies, ' yes I'm positive.'
A young Lil' Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen. [Did you mean "digger"?]
Help! I need a communist christmas one liner! Going to a Christmas party with a communist christmas sweater. Need a good one liner... help!
crazy to think that back in the 1940s, extra guacamole at chipotle only cost a nickel
conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.
Gotye is probably my favorite band named after what people said playing tag in ancient times.
Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.
Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone? DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion ME: Folks from space-time? DW: God no 21st century UK
How much does the Great Wall of China weigh? Wan-ton Sorry
How do you make a whore shut up? Tell her to put a cock in it
The other day a co- worker asked me what I had for lunch, and I replied 5 Guys. He laughed because it sounds funny. I guess I should have been more specific and said I got bukaked during lunch time.
The Emperor's New Clothes
Girl, is your name Trouble? ...cause your dad tells me I'm in trouble.
Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..
If I had a dollar for every woman that thought I was ugly... Eventually they wouldn't think I was ugly.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world Those who know binary, and those who don't.
BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg BRUCE: Bring me a cape
what weighs more on the moon than on earth? a helium baloon
Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car - stop steering so much.
How are women and computers the same? Neither take your 3.5 inch floppy anymore.. unless you pay extra.
Woman from Q [NSFW] There was once a woman from Q. She filled her vagina with glue. she said with a grin, if you paid to get it in, you'll pay to get it out too.
Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank? So you always have access to cold hard cash...
Why couldn't Ray Charles read? Because he's blind you racist.
I've been dating this girl who works at the zoo. I'm pretty sure she's a keeper.
What's the hardest part of a gardener's job? Getting to the root of the problem.
4/20. Always forget.
I'm not a Grammar Nazi! I'm alt-write.
Why do asian parents give their children short names? More time on tests.
Canadian light beers are like having sex on the beach. It's fucking close to water.
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words.
What do Africans eat for breakfast? Ebola cereal
"Spring is in the air" I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I remember when my mum used to tuck me in. She really wanted a daughter.
2 P R D R D R 2 R D R 2 1 P R D R 2 1 P D R D R D P 2 R D D R D R 2 1 P R D R 2 1 P D R D R 2 1 P D R D R D P 2 R D R D R 2 1 P R D R 2 1 P D R P R D R 2 1 P D R D R D P 2 A girl trying to park a car
What did the geologist say to the Ginger after he evaluated her precious metal? Red, it gold.
A dog walks into a bar..... Bartender comes over and asks...."why do you look so rough?"
Funniest joke on wife Always love your mother because you will not get another . . Ok. Agreed! Always love your ~~mother~~ wife even though you will ~~never~~ get another one later..
When I die, I'd like my coffin to be filled with Reese's Pieces so on my headstone it can say "R.I.R.P."
What do most women hate to hear while having sex? Honey, I'm home!
Argon walks into a bar... bartender says, "we don't serve your kind". Argon doesn't react. How noble of him.
Know why polish airplanes only fill half of an airplane for each fligth? Poles on the rigth half of the plane are unstable
My wife gets angry when she catches me using her tooth brush. But how the hell do you get the dog shit out of your sneakers.
I'm going bananas... That's what I tell the bananas when I'm leaving.
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting raped.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they're in my house, they're everywhere, please come get your snake.
Victoria's Secret is now selling 'Space Panties' They're for women who think their ass is out of this world.
What language do the Vatican Police speak? Pig Latin!
Just dropped a book on my head guess I am only to blame my shelf
Flint Lead Did you hear they discovered the number one source of lead poisoning in Flint MI is not the water.......it's the bullets.
You need subtitles. Me to every 2yr old.
I just created a new rhythm. I really wanted to tell everyone but I didn't want to make a song and dance of it
What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
(NSFW) A pedophile and a little boy walk into the woods.. The boy says "it's really dark out here, I'm scared." The pedophile looks at him and says "you're scared?! I have to walk back alone!"
You can't break an electric toothbrush If it stops working, it becomes a toothbrush.
Roger Federer was doing an interview... ... when the interviewer asked him how he felt about his countries flag being displayed by so many of his fans in the arena he replied "Well, it's a big plus"
Why can you see through Bruce Jenner? Because he is a trans-parent.
What's it like living with Permanent Erection Disorder? Some days are harder than others.
"Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?" [MITCH enters] MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater ? Terrified !
I'll sleep when I'm dead but also every night so I don't die.
If the entire observable universe was located inside an impossibly large man named Bob... then 9/11 was inside bob.
Are you danish Because im going to leave a denmark on that ass
You guys are even more beautiful now that I'm wearing my "wine glasses".
Why did the gynecologist get taken in for questioning? He smelled a little fishy. Edit: a word.
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But it takes five episodes.
What do you call a smug criminal going down stairs? A Condescending Con Descending.
Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.
What do you call an angry white elephant that likes crushing donkeys and darker elephants? Donald Trunk.
How many homeless does it take to change a lightbulb? There's change in a lightbulb?
I'm going to the reverse origami championship tomorrow Can't wait to see how it unfolds
Why is Santa such a jolly old elf? He knows where the naughty girls live.
Seven billion other people in the world and not one of them are naked in front of me right now. That just isn't right
Knock knock. Who's there? Irish Jew, Amalie. Amalie who? Irish Jew Amalie-Christmas 
ME: I want to take long walks with you. HER: Aww...are you a romantic? ME: No, I don't have a car.
How do five gay men walk? One direction
Me: *mouths I love you* Him: M: *blows kiss* H: M: *adjusts my pajama top* H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I love my wife And you can too for the low price of $14.99!!!
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on Ant? Nothing, Pink Panther doesn't talk!
My best mate is called Tiba. Sometimes, I think he's a bit backwards.
Of his generals, who did Hitler think was the least funniest? Hermann Boering!
At the police station a) Somebody stole my wallet. b) When did this happen ? a) I don't know he also stole my watch.
Where did Chappelle store all his Rick James outfits? Unit E
I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.
Spilling a beer... ...is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.
What does the Saudi Paralympics team consist of? thieves..
What does America and Sauron have in common? They are both shit at protecting towers
I'm sick and tired of the jokes on this sub, so I'm going to kill my foot. Yeah, that's right. I'm putting my foot down.
I asked my wife if she was a contortionist... And she got totally bent out of shape.
You're McDonalds; I'm Burger King I'm doing it my way, and you're lovin' it.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing] 7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON'T HAFTA BE ALONE Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Why it feels so hard to break up with a japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
I have been living with a beautiful girl for the last 2 months. Last week she found out..
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
I hate the new 'Edge' browser Microsoft implemented in Windows 10... ...It's so pointless!
When would a discount be a bad thing? Have 3 abortions and get the fourth free.
With so many gay people nowadays... It's hard to keep them all straight.
Triscuits are a good snack if you've already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My friend decided to get a tattoo of Pi on his face. It was an irrational decision.
If Pitbull wasn't famous he'd easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.
what does a british person say to congratulate a friend when he hears they are having their first child after joining a reptile gang? well, chap, you're a propa-gator now.
NSFW Squirting "Squirting isn't a real thing is it, it's just pee, right?" Interviewer: "I meant questions about the job".
Someone told me to make a philosphy joke. My response: I Kant.
I am starting a website called Kickfarter where people pay me to not fart.
Where did the terrorist go after he detonated the bomb? Everywhere.
if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
I once entered ten puns in a comedy competition hoping one would win. But, no pun in ten did.
I asked 2 girls if size matters. They both said this is something they often debate. Girl # 1 said she likes them big. Girl # 2 said she likes them enormous.
Poetry cannot be justified. It's a typography joke.
I made a short joke today... It wasn't very funny.
A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
Damn baby You drive me #4011.
What's the only Pokemon that doesn't evolve? Any black Pokemon, really.
A fish hits a wall ... Dam wall!!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
What do Hutterites do on Halloween? Pump-kin
I went to a library... I went to a library and asked the librarian for a book on suicide. Then the librarian turned to me and said "Fuck you, you wont return it!"
What did the little girl with no arms or legs get for Christmas? Cancer. :(
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies? Move seats.
Knock Knock (you say: who's there) I ate mop. (you do your part) I'll give you a while to figure it out. ...yes, it's childish.
Science fact: a dog extracts more information from smelling a pile of excrement than a human does from reading the Daily Mail.
Lazy assholes.. They just don't give a shit.
My wife told me I needed to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
How to get midgets to drink your beer. Try setting the bar low.
I didn't feel right so I went to the doctor. He only takes one look at me and says, "Well son, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "Why?" I asked. "So I can examine you."
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
It's quaint when a company publishes a fax number on their website's contact page. It's like finding a Walkman at a flea market.
My work had a bake sale today We raised a lot of dough.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile!
A vegan, an atheist, and a CrossFit enthusiast walk into a bar. I only know because they wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.
If you jingle my bells ill promise you a white Christmas.
What do ducks get hooked on? Quack
I got arrested today I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
So wrong, it must be right. So right, it must be left. WTF? These directions are terrible.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile.
Batman Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred Cons: Robin
Why don't male dogs date? They think all women are bitches. ... Dogs are terrible people.
You know what sounds sexy? Six women... Dozen tit.
Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
Wanted to make a voldemort joke but this whole subreddit nose it
Why is the mushroom so happy ? Because he's a FUN-GUY :P
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer in World War 2? A: Ash
What's worse than a blowjob from Willie Nelson? That ain't Willie Nelson.
"I'm never drinking again." -someone who will drink again
Did you hear about the feminist picnic? Yeah, apparently it got cancelled, no one wanted to make the sandwiches.
How did Christopher Columbus 'discover' America? By occident
Look me in the eyes when I'm lying to you.
British accent. Say "Beer can" with a British accent... I just taught you how to say "Bacon" with a Jamaican accent. .
A dad says to his son, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind!" The son replies, "Hey Dad, I'm over here!"
How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it "ENJOY YOUR LIVES"
Deja vu is just God fixing a typo and reposting.
Why do orphans like tennis? Only place they can get love
What do you someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows!
Do you like tapes and CDs? Other person: Yes Me: Good, so I can tape my dick to your forehead so you can see these nuts.
Do you think when dead people get tired of being dead they commit life?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
What did the homophobic dad say when he heard his gay son was in a coma? At least he's a vegetable now instead of a fruit.
It must get awkward when someone by accident makes one of those "I let him get away with murder" jokes around O.J Simpson.
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station ? Because it's a 'mane-lion' station !
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
What do you call a gay Irish couple? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Something, something, camouflage. Lol. No one is commenting because they are pretending they can't see my post. That's so Meta.
Why was the whale lonely after his date? The other whale didn't humpback.
When I was young I had a fairy God mother. She said I could have one wish, either a long memory or a long penis. I can't remember what I asked for.
How do you entertain a pussy? I don't know the answer but if you work up a sweat it's bound to come.
A polaroid is what an eskimo takes when he wants to bulk up.
Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds. It has beegun.
Why do blonde girls go to the bathroom in groups of three? Because they can't even
How does the Japanese mafia keep their drinks cold they put it in a a Ya Koozie
Voltaire said "To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize." ...so I guess my granddaddy was right when he said that retards run this country.
I had sex with a guy last night and he was gone the next morning. Funny how people just come and go in your lives.
Q: What's the book of socially prominent monsters? A: The Book of who's Boo.
*wakes up w/phone in hand* Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night *text chime* Couch: I'm like right here why are you texting me?
What is James Bond's favourite drug? Viagra, so he can Roger Moore.
I like my coffee like I like my women. Not banging my friends.
Being Santa sounds easy... (NSFW) I've got plenty of experience emptying my sack into socks.
What do Hitler and Boston have in common? Neither can finish a race.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
The first ten years of a girls life is spent playing with barbies. The next ten years is spent trying to look like one.
I can bench 170 lbs. And by that I mean I can sit myself down on a bench in a pretty park.
THIS IS THE COPS. WE KNOW YOU HAVE NWA'S "FU*CK THE POLICE" ON REPEAT IN THERE. COME OUT & SAY SORRY TO OFFICER DAVIS. YOU MADE HIM CRY DUDE
Why do asians got to the hospital after voting? Everyone knows that you should see a doctor for an erection that last longer than 4 hours.
What's ET short for...? Because he's got little legs.
Life is like a box of chocolates. I'm allergic to everything in it.
Why are women's feet smaller than men's? So they can stand closer to the sink.
What was Bin Laden's favourite brand? Jihadidas.
What are some really stupid jokes? One I know is this: Spanish teacher: Kids, what is the ellos/ellas form of the verb sacar? Students: Sacan? Spanish teacher: SACAN DEEZ NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!
My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means... I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we're in the car *5 secs later Me: What're you eating? 5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ......Nothing
A math pickup line...You're so hot....... You make me wanna SCATTER my PLOT. :)
Transitioning to a Smurf Today I'm excited to announce I'm transitioning to a Smurf...starting with my balls.
According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Nothing cures a hangover like a positive pregnancy test.
Marriage is a workshop.........The husband works & The wife shops
5 SECONDS AGO! What do we want? TIME TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them?
Grandpa Always told me... Find a woman who is smart. Find a woman who is great in bed. Find a woman who loves you for who you are. And make sure none of these women ever meet.
When live gives you lemons... life is trying to tell you you're leading a sour life.
What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons? Jose and Josb
An Irishman walks out of a bar... ...could happen.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A Paragraph, because he's not a full Essay
Why were all the numbers afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Ever wondered why written jokes about mailmen are generally unfunny? They are all about delivery.
Why are there so many Indians working with telemarketing? Because they have the biggest cow center.
What did Mohammed eat? His dates.
whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record
Man gets left side crushed in car accident. But don't worry he's all right now
What's Piccolo's preferred type of car? DODGE!!!
What do you call it when a horse punches you really hard? A neigh-maker
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
One good thing about Hilary as president. One good thing about having Hilary as president is that we wouldn't have to pay her as much.
Inauguration Day crowds One more thing that Trump has that's smaller than a black guy's.
Justice In China.
I'd kill for Opie's pizza. Unfortunately, they never deliver. :(
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? Easy, just look for the fresh prints!
My problem is I don't like working out in front of people or when I'm alone.
What do the dolphins and the post office have in common? Neither deliver on Sundays.
I'm applying for a position as a mall cop.... It has good job security.
Two Russian pilots in Syria - Hi, what have you been doing today? - Bombing the ISIS headquarters... - Which one, the main headquarters? - No man, the main headquarters is on the other continent...
Which pirate makes the best food? Captain Cook.
Shout out to anyone who is wondering what the opposite of in is.
I don't delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer. "Always needs a favor" is calling, decline.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?  That's where you wash all your vegetables!
When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.
*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: "Who was that, your girlfriend?" *Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*
Attractive. Brainy. Romantic. Faithful. Makes good food. Gives great head. -- Online dating profile of a male praying mantis.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder... and the bartender says: "hey where'd you get that? It looks exotic." And the parrot says: "Africa."
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogey in it!
Archaeologists found Beethoven furiously erasing his music When asked what he was doing Beethoven responded "I'm decomposing"
I hurt my knee the other day... ...but I'm not sure if it was my low knee or my high knee.
What is the biggest ant in the world ? An elephant !
[first date] girl: I bet you're really cute under those glasses [removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops' optic blast]
My GF said a small penis isn't really a problem for our relationship I still wish she didn't have one though :(
Started a new religion Doesn't matter, had sects.
two men walk into a bar... the other one ducks
I'm going to get a 100 dollar bill tattooed on my dick. I mean, what woman wouldn't blow a hundred dollars?
What do you call a building that falls in love with its architect? Edifice Rex
Someone stole my................... Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
This Tweet has been a test of the Emergency Procrastination System.
I would like to have submitted that joke about UDP here but I don't think you would get it.
Why did the boy think you hit menopause when you graduated high school? Because it was the end of all your periods.
Eight mexicans drowned in the lake over the weekend. The newspaper headline was "Ocho Sinko"
How does a girl get a guy to eat shit? She wipes back to front.
A boy to his mother: Do you know how much suffering the poor beast had to endure for you to get this fur coat? My boy, you mustn't talk so disrespectfully about your father.
Bat Math Ha ha ha Bat math rules!!
You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog
When your phone is wet, put it in a bag of rice ...the rice will attract Asians, and they will proceed to fix your phone.
I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
What did one coffin say to the other? Is that you coughin'?
Who is the most successful liar in the world? Mary. Lied about her extramarital affair, still believed by billions.
How does a feminist ask for Halloween candies? Trigger Treat.
A guy walks into a bar... *clang!*... he says "ouch" and ducks next time.
Which grocery department is great for digestion and your "constitution"? Pro-deuce.
Damn girl, are you a time traveler? Because being fat was attractive in the 1500's.
What kind of underwear does Severus Snape wear? Always.
What's another name for semen? (w)Hole Milk!! :D
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that- {trapdoor} NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it's perfect.
Whats the difference between Facebook and Reddit? About two hours.
What does a bird say when it wants revenge? Toucan play at that game!
How do you get negative inflation ? Deflation.
I've been taking these pills that are supposed to make you live forever. So far, so good.
what did the indian chief say when his dog jumped off the cliff? dog gone
once you use mac you never go back. there's literally no escape
Whats fat on the bottom, skinny on the top, and has ears? Mountains! ...what? You've never head of mountaineers?
My cousin is a terrible proofreader. He always drinks a bottle of Jack Daniels before he checks my work.
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
I knew this guy who was so dumb... he saw a road sign that said, "Disney Land Left", so he turned around and went home.
My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can. So I killed his mum.
Nobody can negotiate like a 4 year old told he has 2 minutes til bed.
What does the Illuminati smell like? New World Odor
Mike Pence doesn't believe in science But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
*singing scales* Do, Re, uh... *calls Lionel Ritchie* "Hey" Hello! "What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?" Is it Mi you're looking for?
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose
What do Trump supporters and Flat Earthers have in common? They both hate globalists.
Suitable for British consumption I just heard the UK strawberry picking championships has been won by a woman with no legs. Jammy cunt
9/11 Must have been an inside job It totally deserved 10/11 stars
I hate when people say "you always want what you don't have" like that's really insightful and not just explaining the definition of "want."
Therapy Me: she never tells me anything Her: He doesn't listen Me: that's bs gimme an example Her: I'm 8 months pregnant Me: WHOA
When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?!? Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
I got done for shoplifting today. I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked 7 up.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheel chair
Q: Why are gorillas so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo!
Your neck. There's an axe for that.
My Girlfriend crashed the car into a post today... It's no joke. The car is ruined and I am in serious pain.
What do you call the prequel to The Purge? The Binge
What's the only animal that has a cunt on its back? A police horse.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Yeah, great food but no atmosphere.
Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Here's a limerick I wrote: There once was a colour named orange, ...Damnit.
I felt I was overcharged by a prostitute, so I cut off the end of her foot.... ... When I was finally arrested, they charged me with Grand Theft Whore Toe
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
[interview] THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it? ME: thank you.
What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs? A headmaster.
A cheetah rests its eyes under a tree... Suddenly, a Kenyan runs by. The cheetah looks up and says, "What was that?"
What does RoboCop use for fuel? Petroleum
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the p is silent.
[nsfw] I knew a girl who had a miscarriage while taking a shower It was the worst baby shower ever
So i stole this joke from I Love Lucy, So a woman walks into a restaurant The woman says to the waiter, "Two pork chops, and make them lean." And the waiter says, "Yes, ma'am. Which way?"
My current diet all ends with an S. Pizzas. Hamburgers. Tacos. Nachos. Everything that's in sights.
What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop? The second hand shop.
Just think, in 10 years you're going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you're still alive. ~inspirational
Coining a new term. I hereby decree that from henceforth all comparisons made between two things for comedy shall be known as... ***a yuxtoposition.***
LAWYER: ur dad's estate ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing M: shit
Some people just want to watch the world burn. Other people just don't vote for Trump.
I was constipated today and cursed my butt with an appropriate word Asshole.
What has four legs and two assholes? A police horse.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
CW: What'd you have for breakfast? Me: A bowl of Oreos. CW: Lol you mean Cherrios? Me: No.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over? *lies on floor, closes eyes tight* (in customer service line at Walmart)
Why did they invent white chocolate? So black kids could get messy too.
I'm not racist because it's a crime. And crime is for black people.
Scented toilet paper girlfriend: is this toilet paper scented? Me: I'm not sure; my asshole doesn't smell so good
Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.
I asked my North Korean friend how it's like over there.. He said he couldn't complain.
What do the NFL and Brokeback Mountain have in common? The cowboys suck.
I'd enjoy your sports/movie/pop-star jokes a lot more if I didn't have to spend 10 minutes on Google figuring out if they're funny or not.
What's the difference between the average yogurt and the United States of America? if you leave a yogurt alone for two-hundred years it'll develop a culture (also it can be fat free)
I told my wife to go shopping for a pair of great tits. She thought I was talking about cosmetic surgery.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth...] EARTH: yo GOD: what? EARTH: send nudes GOD: *creates Adam & Eve* EARTH: nice
Basketball players like their chicken like they like their basketballs In the bucket
What type of meat do catholic priests eat on Friday? Nun.
Heard about the seafood diet? You see food and you eat it.
I just quite my job at the helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone.
Twitter: What do our users want? Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse. Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
You can tell Monopoly is an old game... ...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Jeff: i'm pro gun. Me: i'm anti gun. Greg: i'm vegan. Me: i'm pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
How do you know If your girlfriend is Canadian? Look at her beaver.
Always trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You're the smart one
What kind of fish is made of just two atoms? 2 Na
Lesbians favourite vegetable? Okra Edit: For the people who don't get it [Okra, also known as ladies' fingers](#s)
What happens when you put a soul-singing duck in a microwave? It's Bill Withers.
Idea for getting laid: Have a friend on the east coast write down Jeopardy answers, then invite your flame over and blow their mind.
When someone starts a Facebook post with "there are no words..." You better get prepared because you're about to read a lot of words.
I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn't reach the meat that was on the top shelf He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.
Is it appropriate to force an adult to wear diapers? Depends.
How does a booze thief make you feel better? He lifts your spirits.
Its me and my son's birthday next week so were doing a joint party. We've ordered a Tinkerbell cake for him, but she will be topless for me.
My girlfriend thought she caught me cheating on her... I was like, "No baby, I ain't cheating on you, that's just my wife!"
What's a redneck's favorite kind of bread? Inbred.
What TV game show do fish like best? Name that tuna!
What did the leper say to the hooker? keep the tip. ;)
My therapist says I'm narcissistic. How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?
Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D. Sadly it can't focus.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
What type of wind is named after Santa  Claus's warm climate cousin?  Santa Ana
"I think you should hire a contractor. . .some of this looks load bearing." - me, when asked to "raise the roof" at parties. . .
I've got a black eye, a $200 fine and I've been listed on a register...turns out taking candy from a baby wasn't so easy after all.
[interview] BOSS: So I see you majored in communication? ME: No...miscommunication BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication ME: See?
Sh*t happens... I mean look at you.
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black
What do you call a mouse that can pick up a  monster? Sir.
What happens when 1 extrovert goes out to eat with 3 introverts? Literally fucking nothing. My God.
A Mexican, a Jew, and a Italian walk into a bar..... The bartender looks up with a scowl and says..... Get the fuck out of here...
Two men walk into a bar. you think the second one would have seen it.
What is easier to load your van with bowling balls or screaming baby's? Baby's because you can use a pitchfork
What happened when the Italian chef died? He pasta away
The club can't even handle me right now. Like, the club's just had a very emotionally draining day and the club's been in a weird place.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT'S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
"PSST." It came from my waffles. "PSST," again. "What?" I ask, furtively. "You look really nice today." Complimentary Breakfast
What did the gay paraplegic take for heartburn? Rolaids
what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.
lawyer: "my client claims the altercation began because - and i quote - "he came at me sideways" crab: "in my defence.."
So a deer walks into a gay bar... Two hours and several drinks later, he walks out and says to himself, "Wow. I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there..."
Beer nuts are so dang expensive... ...luckily deer nuts are just under a buck.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge
I don't know if ghosts are real but people with bad breath are very real and to me that is far more terrifying
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
"Morning sickness" should also be used to describe the hatred of waking up in the morning. "Sorry I was rude. I had morning sickness."
I traded my brother for an old Game Boy game I'm still not sure what that old guy wanted him for.
Don't ever debate with an absurdist... because you will always chair apple man with hands for eyes.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life And you're starting back off at your last checkpoint.
What did the wife say to the husband? Beats me  \_()_/ 
Hey, baby. Are you cheese? 'Cause you look gouda to me.
What do you call a nun using katana? Nunja.
What do you call a Honry Micheal J Fox? A Viberator
knock knock! knock knock who's there? europe europe who no, you are
What's the dirtiest language? Latin, its absolutely filled with *cum*.
The Chuckle Brothers hold the record for the World's biggest sheep They've got a 2 metre ewe.
Want to hear a joke about Russia? Soviet
I gave blood this week and felt great afterwards... Which is weird because when girls lose that much blood they just get bitchy.
Song Name?
So what if Putin fudged election So ve it
What do you call a cow that just tripped? Ground Beef
Two kittens are on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
A doctor amputated a hand on a patient and the doctor said to the patient "on the other hand... you aren't disabled"
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Why does /r/jokes love fencing? They've all mastered the riposte.
A man gets a $5 hooker a man gets a hooker for $5 and get crabs. the next day he goes back to her and tells her. she says " what did you expect for $5, lobster?"
the reason i dont wear specific colors on 9/11 when someone asks me why im not wearing red on 9/11 i tell them "because im not celebrating a muslim holiday"
What does an asshole and a nine volt battery have in common You know it's a bad idea but your tongue is going to touch it
*wakes up in cold sweat* SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Pete and Marco Rubio are on a boat. Pete falls off. Who is left? Marco Rubio
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you're AT BEST his #2 fan.
What do you get when you put 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room together? 100 cunts that don't do dick.
The people I worked with in IT were so nice The even took the time to show me "4" in binary every single day
How to cure a headache 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
What does a racist joke and a crime have in common? They both start with you looking over your shoulder.
What do you call a gay guy in a sleeping bag? A fruit roll up
How do Jewish turtles greet each other? Shellom.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "I don't think I can get hard -- I just got laid this morning!
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare-line.
A chicken lays a man on the floor Which came first?
why didn't the escaped peasant want to go to the beach? he was scared that he'd end up serfing again
So, 50 Cent is bankrupt... He only has 50 Cent to his name.
A man was in a supermarket.... and he saw a man. He went up to him and said "I know you from somewhere, are you famous?" The man replies "no no no... I'm famYOU".
Who do you give a lost gun to? The rifle owner.
Replace Steven Tyler with a bear. Bearosmith. Billions and billions of $. I could do this all day, you guys. Hire me.
Why is it that at class reunions you  feel younger than everyone else looks?
How long does it take to sail from Dorne to Mereen? It Varys.
Just heard my neighbor say "Wow" from inside her house about the fart I just did inside mine.
The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria's Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son] "Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name" Here "Aren't you going to guess?"
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.
How many HAES advocates does it take to replace a lightbulb? Just because it's round doesn't mean it needs to change, sizest thin scum.
What did the cook say to his wife? I'm cumin!
"hey mister can i pet your dog?" "sure kid" "what kind is he?" "that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt"
What do you call 10 lepers in a swimming pool? Porridge
whatd the princess do after she finished a do-it-yourself abortion royal flush
Before and After Sex Before sex,you help each other get naked. after sex,you only dress yourself. moral of the story? In life no one helps you once your fucked!
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look I'm changing!
Wife:How'd you sleep? Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo W: Ambien:*giggles
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Your first follower has given you away, parody account.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
George Bush repeatedly tries to crack a coconut on the side of a hot skillet "Laura, I told you not to buy the god damn hairy eggs anymore"
How do you know if a girl is hungry or horny? Give her a cucumber and see what hole she puts it in. How do know if she's hungry &amp; horny? When she sits on the cucumber and then eats the pickle.
Are your parents siblings?
If Slash made a joke... Does he tip his hat or drop his guitar?
If women could change one thing about the penis it would be the man.
They say what kills you in your past life is your biggest fear in this life.. But I'm pretty sure premature ejaculation never killed anyone
What did the girl say when her boyfriend asked her to rate the size of his penis? Urinate (heh just made this one up)
The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded... ... that 7 out of 10.
I'm hungry. Nice to meet you, Hungry!
After our house burnt down, the police said it could be someone we know... My wife and I had one question. "Could it be arson?"
STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE'S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn't getting pulled over!
If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions they should kill a lion.
Why do you never find elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air
Greek mythology summed up in five words Unfortunately, Zeus was feeling horny
I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her... &gt;Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men? She responded with &gt;Yes, but this time I decided not to pay
What is Batman's favourite porn site? Motherless.com
What's the best thing about Bruce Jenner? [removed]
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altarboy
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
If a threesome with two guys and a girl is called a "manwich", what do you call a threesome with two girls and a guy? Vaggie burger.
I just tore a dumpling in half It was wonton destruction
A man walks into a bar "Ouch!"
What type of matter can be both a solid and a liquid? Fecal matter It can also be plasma if you poop on the sun....can also be a gas if you fart. Also can be dinner if your hungry.
Every problem has only One solution According to parents, Every problem has only One solution, . . . . "Just throw away the phone and cut down the internet connection" :p :D
What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can just drop her off anywhere.
"Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you've ever been in your life?" - video games
Every Girl Wants to be Swept off Her Feet It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out
What did the Office of Admissions say to the recently-accepted Urology student? "Ur-ine!"
What do we want?" "A cure for ADHD!" "When do we want it?" "Squirrel!"
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU'RE WASTED!
What's a woman's favorite monkey? Macaque.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I'm making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo's.
What do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow? Slush Puppies
Why are asprins white? Because they work.
Never buy a used dream catcher from the flea market near a mental hospital.
What spice is guaranteed to make your girlfriend walk out on you? Bay Leaves
Whats the best thing about being a siamese twin? Someone to kiss while you're wanking
Have you decided on dinner? "Yes, I'll have the chicken, grilled." Very good. *hears waiter yelling at chicken* WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Why are asprins white? Because they work!
What do you call it when you finger a pony? Feeling a little horse.
Have you heard of the Greek version of monopoly? It's called Monopopolous, and you just borrow all the money from the bank. Everybody loses
There is now a blood test to determine gender attraction. It checks homogloben levels.
I had to study a book on the human digestive system today.... The ending was shit
Why do muslims love classical music? It has lots of violins
Did you hear about the perforated comedian? He was tear-able!
Mary had a little lamb. She's not a vegan anymore.
Canada was like, "This is all part of the Northwest Territories," but the Inuit were having Nunavut.
Why are elephants no good at Net surfing? Because they're scared of the mouse.
What does a color blind racist say? I don't see color I see race
Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war? General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene. An asian girl? Irene.
My girlfriend treats me like I'm God She ignores my existence and doesn't ever speak to me.
A Roman walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says "I'll have five beers". (Not mine)
What did Lil' Jon do when Home Depot employee tried to sell him a lightbulb? Turned down 4 watt
So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say "you're getting a little chunky"
I was going to go to the Alzheimer's charity run yesterday. But I forgot.
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? My girlfriend knows about my wife.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
How many servers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, it's not my side work.
Why was 10 afraid of 11? Because Eleven has crazy superpowers.
Where do French lawyers like to relax? The J'accusi
I told my dad to do a magic trick So he disappeared forever
Who has two thumbs and looks an awful lot like Alec Baldwin? Alec Baldwin
Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
My X made the worst coffee. I thought it was grounds for divorce.
The winners write the history books... I guess the prize for winning is a boring-ass job?
I love comfort food. I'm going to eat a quilt.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
How do porcupines hug? Carefully!
Q: How do you sell chicken to a deaf man? A: HEY, YOU WANNA BUY SOME CHICKEN??!!!!!!!
Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.
Joanke Its an inside joke.
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really good looking And then I hit the mirror.
A homeless man told me this one. (Kinda NSFW) Why do women have two pairs of lips? One to bitch with, and one to apologize with.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.
My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses. She always just drank straight from the bottle.
What kind of cheese gives out money? Prova*loan* I just came up with that and feel pretty proud (:
When attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler.
What did the Mexican say after two houses fell on him? GET OFF ME HOMES!
Did you hear about the Mexican terrorist...? Did you hear about the Mexican terrorist who planted a bomb on the train? He had loco motives.
A Russian, an Irishman and a Scott walks into a bar.. Just kidding. They never left the bar in the beginning
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an Essay.
What did the baby light bulb say to it's mommy? I wuv you watts and watts!
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.
At the Bar last evening, there was a blackout.... ..Good thing, I had a light beer.
Four word joke Boy scouts. Girl guides.
What do you call a black guy who reneges on a promise? Unreliable, you racist prick.
During agricultural revolution canines... ...became dogmesticated. AHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHa
What do you call a bakery owned by a redhead? A Ginger Bread-House
Why are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it's justified.
Don't be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Male Birth Control. ....Because its easier to unload the gun than shooting at a bulletproof vest.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find 'em.
So I found this funny joke today /r/MensRights
White women will buy anything that has a cucumber/melon scent.
You're just like my little toe, because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.
What's blue and sings alone? - Dan  Ackroyd.
Should I include "hard working and honest" in my resume? Applying for a software engineer's role at Volkswagen.
The Washington Redskins are changing their name because of its racist, violence prone, and uncivilized connotations
What does a National Geographic magazine or a JC Penney catalog have in common? Sorry, the punchline is the joke. If you don't get it, ask your dad.
Fine. I'll rush you to the hospital, but then we're doing what I want.
Don't like me? You'll come around. - Onion Rings
[walking away from taco truck] WIFE: whats wrong ME: nothing WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco ME: *wiping away tears* no
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Toss him some sort of flotation device
What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Running. Jk. Rolling.
so i went to the clothes shop to buy camouflaged pants... ...and i didn't find any.
Where does Muscle Milk come from? Muscle mammary
I hate perforations They're tearable
I'm on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it's taking all my strength to not scream "WE FORGOT KEVIN!"
Mozart killed all his chickens.. he had asked them who the best composer was, and they kept saying " Bach! Bach! Bach!
How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods? Very exciting
What did he green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!!!
What do you call 717 dead Hajj pilgrims? A good start. My grandfather died making the Hajj; he fell out of a guard tower. Where do Black Muslims go? The back of the stampede!
Jesus walks into a bar... and orders a water. Bartender says "Not this shit again Jesus."
What made the insomniac so boring? He just wasn't into resting.
Did you know you can order a taco at a Japanese restaurant? I hope you like octopus.
The NBA should really draft some thirsty ratchet bitches. They're hella quick on the rebound!
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office.
Why were the two homosexual melons protesting at city hall? Because they cantaloupe
"Eat her already!" - Animal watching people kissing
Polls show that 80% of black males enjoy sex in the shower The other 20% had not gone to prison yet
I had a normal childhood My mom only jerked me off once when I broke my arm, no more than that!
Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people
The great English actor Colin Firth walks into a bar. Who walks in after him? Colin Thecond
Bet the wife $50 That she couldn't make me happy and sad with the same sentence. She said I was much better in bed than my brother.
Some people like to stir the pot... ...I prefer to smoke it.
Doctor: We need to double your meds Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster? Doctor: We need to triple your meds
Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house! Olive Garden server: Please stop! I'll bring more cheese to grate!
Chihuahuas are a lot like farts... ...only their owners can stand them.
What is the difference between a dollar and Lebron James? Lebron James doesnt give you 4 quarters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oShTJ90fC34
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm... ...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
I was such a stud that I lasted 1 hour and 5 seconds in bed Thanks Day light saving
I think if we trained bears to fly planes people wouldn't worry about hijacking because they'd be too worried about bears.
What does Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common? Both their last greatest hits was the wall.
Really short Mexicans should be called paragraphs Because they're not long enough to be an essay...
I'm working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
It's pancake day already? That sure creped up fast.
Are you a black hole? Because when I see you my legs get all *spaghettified*. *Courtesy of my friend*
What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave? Do you mind if I Slytherin?
Wanna know what's worse than three people stapled to one tree? One person stapled to three trees.
If Jesus was a cat we'd have nine Easters.
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years. I never knew he was a barber.
What's the difference between priests and gay men? Priests say Amen and gay men say ahh, men.
What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce? I did not see that coming.
Did you hear about the temple that burnt down? Holy smokes.
Some dude told me he's had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS!!! 1): Hold your breath for 5 minutes 2): Die
Why are mushrooms small? Because there isn't mush-room.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? The spacebar!
So I was talking to Abrham Lincoln And I asked him, "what are you doing tonight?". He said, "My wife's dragging me to a play somebody please kill me."
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Rest in peace, boiling water. You shall be mist.
What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
The hardest part about having a beard Washing the smell of pussy out of it everyday.
Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly we'd have to call them  slow-i-canes.
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?  God: Like one second.  Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?  God: Like one penny.  Mortal: Can I have a penny?  God: Just a second.
What are the 2 rules of success? No1 : Don't tell everything you know.
Ay girl, are you a Pokemon? Because I wanna take a Pikachu.
"Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?" -guy who invented ketchup packets
Texting chemists. "Where are you?" "Out getting some potassium." "Umm...K?" "Yeah exactly." "..."
Spreddit The backpages of the internet
Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back? *3 hours later* Her: What are you talking about?
My New Year's resolutions.... Is going to be 1920x1080.
Who is the best Podracer in Star Wars? Michael Chewbacca EDIT: Some people don't get the joke..... Michael schumacher is a F1 race car driving legend. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Schumacher
7yr old: What's 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1? Me: Math
First cannibal: I don't know what to make of my husband these days. Second cannibal: How about a curry?
I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression.
What prophylactic did the black person rip open while having sex? The doctor's vaginer.
How did the snow man get to school? He took his icicle
Why is a reindeer like a gossip ? Because they are both tail bearers !
How do you keep your Thanksgiving guests from falling asleep on your couch? Infuse the gravy with cocaine.
Why did the ram run off the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.
Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
The German players enjoyed some Argentinian steak today... but it was a little Messi
Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I'm a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Why did Jill fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Why did she not get back up? Because she had no legs. What did Jill get for Christmas? A bicycle.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.
What do you call a young gold digger? A miner
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulp? One. We are efficient and don't have any humor.
What's long and hard and has cum in it? Cumulative exams.
I wrote 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?' on a balloon. However, before I could propose... -I popped the question
Are you an ideal amount of red phosphorus and am I a proportioned tiny wooden stick? Because we're a match!
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass? Beer
I hate it when I'm trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
When do you get when you take 50 lesbians and 50 civil servants? 100 people that don't do dick.
Here's to the stork that brings good babies... Here's to the stork that brings good babies, the raven that brings bad babies, and to the swallow...that brings *no* babies!
What is the difference between Scotland and a pregnant woman? A pregnant woman is in Labour
When summer comes and California starts burning, try to act surprised.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he's excited because he thinks he's going to be famous online.
If you love someone, set them free. If you hate someone, set them on fire.
How does a computer nerd become to the most popular person in Australia. He automates it.
Unlike MC Hammer's regulations, you can pretty much touch anything of mine you want.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall *Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands *hits wall outlet *has amazing time being electrocuted
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Today on my first day of school someone told me that I must be so excited to be a senior I said "Right back at you Grandma"
Why is masturbating in France like cooking an egg? Because in both cases you're cracking one oeuf
How to break up with a single dad whose kid gets along with yours: I don't want to date you, but I'd like to keep play dating you.
A masked priest just threw some holy water at me... ... I think it was a blessing in disguise.
How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb? none, its a hardware issue.
TIL that the term "A stroke of luck" has more than one meaning- -when my fortune teller gave me a handjob.
Knifes Last night someone cut my power so I took out my knife and badly injured them. I guess you could say I was taking a stab in the dark. I'll be here all night
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Why should Mexico accept Syrian refugees? With the level of crime and political violence, they will feel right at home.
My wife still misses me... but her aim is getting better
Meanwhile at the drugstore... What do you mean I can't drink alcohol with this medication? You're not a bartender! You're just a pharmacist.
If horse jockeys have to be tiny just imagine how small disk jockeys have to be. I'll see myself out.
What are you people doing? making this crap up.
My Grandfather never had a good reason to go fishing. He did it just for the halibut.
Why are white girls always tired? Because they've literally been running around all day
Why did the hipster's mouth hurt? Because he ate pizza before it was cool.
I probably couldn't even keep a picture of a plant alive.
My wife is paralysed from the waist down Insensitive cunt.
Would've totally banged this chick at the bar, but I noticed she had a crooked pinkie toe. Better luck with someone without standards,babe.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I'll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common? The amount of lead put into black people. (It was funnier over the radio)
We use a very accurate term to describe our government. Politics, poly meaning many, and ticks meaning bloodsucking creatures.
I just googled "jokes to tell right before you die" and if that doesn't tell you what kind of person I am, I don't know what does.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six-offender! Edit; not my joke!
Be the change you're looking for between the couch cushions.
Name your kid Basil and see what happens. BEST case scenario he spends hours a day updating Wikipedia.
To the guy with the friend who dates Asians.... Maybe he just needs some time to re-orient himself?
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one........ Break their bones, they have 206.
Why do Trumpler supporters think he's honest? He told them he would be "fourthreich" and they misheard.
I'm white, but not applying SPF 100 listening to Mumford & Sons in my Subaru while at soccer practice after a nice quiche for brunch white.
What happens when you go to the bathroom scared? A spooky dookie.
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her six male friends? She came home with a red snapper!
If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.
A SO with an STD is like Play-Dough, They're fun to play with, not to eat.
Why do you never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent...
How is a Christmas tree like a man who's had a vasectomy? They both have ornamental balls.
*goes down on escalator Escalator: I have a boyfriend
I was in bed with the wife the other night and she said if I turned the bedside light out she'd take it up the arse... Maybe I should have let it cool down a bit first.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving
What do Mike Piazza, and an altar boy have in common? They were both catchers for the Padres.
I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer. I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!
Some say money talks Mine just says goodbye
Anyone know how long you can keep a chicken in the freezer? Because I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.
What did the fisherman do when he really liked a woman? He invited her over to net fish and krill.
My granddad's favourite joke What time is it when the elephant sits on the fence? Time to get a new fence...
Kristen gave Sally 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Todd gave Sally 5 flowers and 3 stuffed animals. What does Sally have? Cancer.
Why did hitler suicide? Because he saw the gas expense
If it weren't for Edison... ...we'd be watching TV by candlelight.
My yoga instructor said "sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do," and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I feel like a text is too serious without an "lol" or "haha" in there somewhere.
I'm not saying I hate you, I'm just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My wife has the cutest crow's feet. And the strongest little crow beak. My wife is a crow. Her name is Leah.
How to get a guys attention: 1. Take off your shirt 2. Be a TV
I got my first email address in 1999 to keep in touch with a girl I met in Poland. She's dead now but I still use email.
I had to chase a mugger after he stole my wallet He really gave me a run for my money!
When will the hospital equipment arrive? defibrillater
I'd probably be broke by now if there was a website where you could pay to flirt with lobsters
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes ? Antteneye !
A band director asked his band why it is so difficult for everybody to come in at the same time. A student replied saying... Mabey they all don't fit through the door.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again. Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
How do you think the unthinkable? Hit an itheberg.
At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you're fired. WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS? India's tiger population is up 30%!
How do fireflies start a race ? Ready steady glow !
Someone stole all the toilets from my local police station... The police have nothing to go on.
Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia? Because he was Snowden.
Word of advice: dont bother buying toilet paper marketed under the name of Chuck Norris... It's rough, tough, and doesn't take shit from anyone.
What's the difference between broccoli and cat poop? My dog won't eat broccoli.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I heard Tim Howard's daughters are all still virgins. Cause ain't no balls getting past him.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
Why do men struggle to urinate with an erection? It's just too hard.
They say revolution breeds revolution. Resistance is fertile.
What did the Black owner of the BMW do to deserve jail? You mean, black people have to DO something to deserve jail? p.s I know I am going dowwwnn for this
There should be a specific type of doctor for being on call. They'd be called cancer-ogists ^because^cancer^doctors^are^oncologists
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his "accent"
Roses are red, violets are blue I'm schizophrenic, and so am I
I put $1 aside every time my girlfriend has sex with me, and that's how much I'll spend for her birthday present So far I'm getting one fancy-ass glove.
I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body then I was born.
Q: What do you call an Inibrian who has been buried for 1000 years? A: Peat!!!
What's the difference between a cunt punch and fisting? pants
What did Hamlet say when he heard dubstep for the first time? "Aye, there's the wub"
What do you call a clan for chickens? Coo clucks clan
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of 'prolly' try 'probababably.'
If you were born in September... Then, you can be sure that your parents started the New Year, with a bang.
Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while...so your wallet doesn't think you're a loser.
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with a Erection? Because old hobbits die hard. (Just a different Punchline)
What is 34.5? 69 for midgets
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can actually finish off a race
Meanwhile on Google+
My Girlfriend &amp; her Ex... My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex . . . . . So I dumped her.
So my girlfriend told me she wanted to go to the zoo. I told her Wal-Mart is right down the street, and it's free.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
What do you call an Native American slut that gives directions. A Navajo. I'll leave now.
Feminist I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.
An insect just flew into my bedroom and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy Long Legs.
Why did the boy drop his Ice Cream? A: He was hit by a bus
The Lion King has a lot of Simbalism badumtss
FREE NUDE SHOW: Walk into a women's tanning salon and yell "FIRE!"
It's nothing serious, we're not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Sometimes when I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying, "ok they're dead, what do I do with the body?"
What do you call a hot pepper with nothing inside it? A hollowpeno
What do Brussels sprouts and pubic have in common? You push them to the side and keep eating
What do you call a group of philosophers? An argument.
What do you call an Asian gangster wearing a blue bandana? A rice crippy.
How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.
Did you hear about the cannibal who went  vegetarian? He couldn't stop eating swedes.
"Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone's names again." - me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
A load of geese caused a massive pile up on my way to work, What a bunch of flocking idiots.
Kelly Ayotte says "Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids." She's right, kids don't pay taxes either.
How does a crackhead lose weight? Diet Coke.
I have this great joke about giving birth.. But I keep messing up the delivery.
Just watched Inception,Donnie Darko,Memento and The Matrix and now I don't think I am real anymore.
Mermaids: Can't live with them, can't beat them in a potato sack race.
What does Matt Damon call thrift shopping? Goodwill Hunting.
So, a guy gave his friend 10 puns, hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend's in the future.
Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016: SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!! ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Agitated I encountered a very nervous flea He said he gets his sleep in snatches.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
[texting] -have a good day You two! *to Ugh *tpp Arghh *yoo DAMMIT *two shit *TOO YOU TOO There! :) -please stop texting me Ha! You two!
Why do French tanks come equipped with rearview mirrors? So they can see the battle.
How do deaf people meet online? Simple, they just ask "ASL?"
humpy dumpy yo mom is like humpy dumpy first she gets hump then she gets dumped
I told a boy I loved him once. We were 6. He punched my arm & stole my cake. Life lesson. Never lose sight of what's important. #Cake.
What did the doctor say to the terminally ill deaf patient? "Now, this may be difficult to hear..."
"You spent hours slaving away in the kitchen yesterday. Relax. Let me sort out dinner today." *Orders pizza
My teenage son told me I am a resentful has-been. We had a good, hearty laugh together about that. Then i changed the WIFI password
What do 9/10 people love? Gangrape.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You're getting laid wife asks you to get wine: You're getting yelled at
All dick jokes are essentially the same they just vary in length.
I have a magician friend who makes eggs appear out of thin air He calls the routine "Creation Eggs Nihilo"
[Halloween] Lady: what are you this this year? Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm. Lady: *faints*
Person: It's not rocket science. Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Most things in life aren't free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
3 in 1 QA jokes Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business! Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
How does a bass player turn off the lights before bed? He closes the car door.
One gypsy says to another... Back in the day, when I was young, my mother would give me 1 dollar and I would get 2 bottles of milk, 2 breads, 5 kilos of meat... and now..cameras everywhere...
Did you hear? There was an active shooter at the observatory! He was shooting for the stars!
I think I've found the worst pornstar name to have at the moment. ISIS LOVE
I just read the "100 things to do before you die" list.... I'm kinda surprised that "call 911" didn't make the cut.
Wife sings and husband gets out! Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you!!
Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any  good it only has sentimental value. Mugger: That's all right. I'm sentimental.
I signed up today for a college American Fiction Literature class, apparently it was a really popular class. It was LIT AF
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
An apple a day keep the doctor away But only if it's thrown hard enough
The key to a great tweet is attention to detale.
So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together. I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.
Hey guys, Racism is a crime But crime is only for black people
Be glad that Hitler existed. Think about all of the Jew jokes we would have missed without him!
Four stages of my life: 1. Life is beautiful. 2. What is twitter? 3. Twitter is beautiful. 4. What is life?
A guy walked into a bar... Ouch
My girlfriend told me she was retaining water and gaining weight... I told her not to sweat it.
How do you tell an Italian has a flat tire? Diego wop wop wop .
How much does a Human shield cost? One life
I've just broke up with my girlfriend. "It's not you," I said. "It's me: I hate you."
Just realized that we are seriously kicking China's ass in cookie technology. So, we've got that going for us, which is nice.
A hiker tried to write poems but he didn't know what to do he tried all kinds but cleared his mind when he went for a haiku.
The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there's an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.
Who are the greatest financiers in the bible? Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.
I can't believe I got arrested, just for indulging in a bit of horseplay. Although the prosecutor is calling it 'bestiality'.
"OEDIPUS!" Oedipus' mother screamed. "I'M COMING!" Oedipus screamed back. "So soon?"
How you turn a washer into a snow blower? Hand her a shovel
What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state  capital? Albunny New York!
If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.
I have a useless talent.
If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.
When i was a kid, my father said he wanted me to be an autodidact. I asked him what that word meant. He told me to look it up. Happy Father's Day, everyone!
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.
After my prostate exam.... After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came. At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"
'So where do you work?' 'I work for the World Health Organisation' 'Who?' 'That's right'
If you are attacked by a group of clowns... Go for the Juggler.
What yelling. Four while playing golf actually stands for It stands for, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOURE ABOUT TO DIE!"
What's worse than 5 dead babies in 1 trash can? 1 dead baby in 5 trash cans
I was in bed with a girl and she said to me, "I want you to make me scream". So I said, "OK. I'll just go outside, put on a ski mask and then kick your front door in. That usually works."
I know a place where the recycling rate is 99% /r/jokes
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Going through life totally ignorant must be the only way to find true happiness.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the restroom? Because the "p" is silent!
What's the difference between a bad mechanic and a politician? With the mechanic, there's a shot something might get fixed...
My dad always told me that people that curse are too dumb to say anything else... and i was like "what the fuck does that mean?"
[Star Wars spoiler] What did Han.... Tell Leia after they separated? ----- *May Divorce be with you.*
One of America's Longest Running Gags... Trickle-down Economics
What did one bird say to the other bird when he played five aces in a poker game? Cheat, cheat, cheat.
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !
Why do I need a wingman? How's a half-man half-bird freak gonna get me laid?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed? Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Q: How did a blind man get poke marks on his face? A: Learning to eat with a fork.
Teacher Said The Student..?? Teacher said the students to convert the sentence "I killed a person" into future tense. Suddenly Johnny stands up and said, Sir the future tense is "u will go to jail"!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.
Billion dollar idea: war.
What vegetable was on the badge in the cab? A CABBAGE!
Why doesn't the Kentucky Fried Chicken use toilet paper? It's finger licking good.
/r/Jokes won't get this an actual funny joke
I don't like guys who only make periodic chemistry jokes at parties. I usually ask those Mendeleev.
D.E.L.T.A. Airlines Didn't Even Leave The Airport
what the? why are all the prices $4.20? and where are all the potato chips? *walmart rollback guy is passed out in a box of clearance DVDs*
When is my wifes favorite day for sex? Tomorrow
What type of car did Yoda eat? A BMW i8
How do you make a prepubescent laugh? Heh, pubes.
if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had
My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.
Mascara in my hair-check, hairspray in my eye-check, lipstick on my shirt-check...I'm ready to start this wonderful Monday
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven't seen for years with the words, "Wow. You've aged badly..."
Thank you for calling ELVIS Direct Press 1 for the money 2 for the show
What fish tastes great with peanut butter? Jellyfish
There have been reports of very heavy shelling...... At the peanut factory.
I'm always Frank &amp; Earnest With Women In Chicago I'm Frank in New York I'm Earnest
When a dog sniffs a fire hydrant They are just checking their pee-mail.
An old teacher asked her student... "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
What does trump call the loose skin around a vagina? A woman
What is the irrational fear of Chuck Norris otherwise known as? A completely rational fear.
I had to make a difficult decision when arrested at the border on the way to Mecca... I was caught between Iraq and a Hajj place.
UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.
What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'? Is it: A) Holy Loaf B) Sacred Baguette Or C) Naan of the above
Two competitive silk worms decided to race... ...it ended in a tie.
If you replace phrase "Americans think" with "Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think" it all makes so much more sense.
How do dubstep DJs masturbate? They wub one out
I bet no one's had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
ethiopian food
How does every racist joke start? *glances to the left, glances to the right.
I bought an electric pen the other day ...but my handwriting's still shocking
For years I've been wiping my arse with my right hand. I now realise that I should have been using toilet paper.
Accidentally burned a calorie. Have to replace it now.
So a seal walks into a bar.., Get it? No? Me neither.
Upon hearing that my donor is in Eugene, I proceeded to inform my wife that, "My heart is in Oregon." She replied, "I know what a heart is!"
"Walk it off" does not apply to everything. Stupidity, for example. You're not walking that shit off unless it's in to oncoming traffic
America, a country where people spend half of their money on food, and the other half on losing weight.
I can touch every animal's toes except the camel's. Doing that gets me arrested.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it.
A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife died.
What's the best thing about twenty nine year olds? There's 20 of them
What do you call a guy who plays the guitar unplugged? An amputee
Click here for joke. Click the back button for joke.
If I ever have a daughter I want to name her Noe. It would be pronounced like Noel and spelled the same but with no 'L'.
I love hearing peoples' stories... ...I'm always chasing tale.
-40 outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.
Before I got on the toilet, I was trying to look for toilet paper... And I almost lost my shit.
Why does nobody play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs
hey babe i got this new cologne called colon and i smell like my digestive system i hope you like it
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
There are two types of people in this world: Those who need closure (told by Cortana)
What do you call a German Barber? Herr Cut.
I guarantee you, this is a joke Donald Trump
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Nick clegg themed toilets They're full of shit
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Why did God invent women? You think he's gonna wash the dishes?
Hipster Jokes How does the hipster have an orgasm? "I came like so long ago" Why do hipsters hate rivers? They are too mainstream How much weed does a hipster usually smoke? An Instagram
"It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A quarter pounder with cheese
Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal.
What has 341 teeth and holds back The Hulk? My zipper.
What do you call a german who is afraid of enclosed spaces? Klaustrophobic
And the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve time travelers here." So two time travelers walk into a bar.
Rumor has it that the Canadian immigration website crashed because.., Amy Schumer was on it
*spreads toilet seat cover over santa's lap before sitting down*
I love people who can make me laugh, when I don't even want to smile.
What do you get when you cross a drunk woman with a tactical grenade? Flash-banged. ;)
Jokes on you I may be the joker, but you the joke
What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash
Whats the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows it's never happened.
What is green and has 4 wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless. Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
If you ever trip in public... ...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."
The news said a condom truck overturned, spilled its huge load and made a big mess. I don't know if it got cleaned up because I fell asleep.
A group of protesters are in front of a physics lab "What do we want?" "Time travel!" "When do we want it?" "Irrelevant."
What's Queen Elsa's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe
I think I'd be really good at pulling hay from a horse's mouth But I may just be clutching at straws here.
Why did the sheep move house? The neighbours were baaastsrds.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
So George Harrison's song, "Isn't It A Pity?" came on the radio... ...and I said, with all sincerity, "Awesome! Isn't it a pity?!"
Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.
Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the graphics on the other side
I named my penis Richard That's long for Dick Hey - at least it's not another Turkey joke.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes
Australians have the strongers forearms... since due to their geographical location they have to walk on their hands.
I accidently put my USB through the washing machine It's still works, but it's really clean now. All the porn is gone.
How do you circumcise a hillibilly? You kick his sister in the jaw!
[Dark Humor] Whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you step on a trampoline [Probally heard this but it's worth a shot]
What type of pants does Mario wear? denimdenimdenim...denimdenimdenim...
I wanted to make up a poem about the night we fell in love, but I couldn't think of anything that rhymed with inebriated.
When does one plus one equal three? When you forget to wear a condom.
Why don't ducks have teeth? Too much quack.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is? Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Father: Don't you feel better now that you've gone to the dentist? Son: Sure do. He wasn't in.
The 2017 forecast just came in Looks like reign with a slight chance of heil.
My spouse just said I'm such a cheap date that he knew he'd actually save money by marrying me. I'm apparently the Geico of women.
What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping? My zipper.
Do you know what Jafar's original name was? Male-ficient.
What is a nazi's favourite food? Luftwaffles
how does a robot laugh? 1010101010101
"Oh, this one? It's an excuse to tell a story about my life that only I think is interesting" - literally all tattoos
Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup? Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!
What is Putin's favorite new ballot? Crimea River
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
What is the black kid getting for Christmas? Your T.V.
What is the opposite of pro? Con. What is the opposite of progress? Congress.
I asked my lawyer cousin, an orthodox Jewish man, his opinion on gay marriage He said "that would be GREAT for business"
Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i'm in a cell
SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity I just can't put it down!
Think I might change my kids name to Worldstar... So whenever he is in a fight people would be cheering for him.
Internet, you've made a compelling argument. Sleep: present your case.
My girlfriend is kind of like Pandora. Everyone once and a while I just have to let it know I'm still listening even though its all just noise at this point.
What do you call a Starving German Woman Faminenazi
Went to the corner store I bought 4 corners
Some people are really tired after abortions... It's like they got life sucked out of them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
What is in common between a napkin and a person? If you sleep with a person, he/she is ur nap-kin.
"I have $50, less than an hour, and a ton of cocaine. Let's make a commercial!" - every furniture store owner
How to fall down the stairs: Step 1 Step 2 Step 4 Step 7 Step 11
What do electricians get for Christmas? Shorts!
What do you call a cat that's guilty of infidelity? A cheetah
why are Asians so smart? because they get alot of brain
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph because he's not a full essay.
How are women like condoms? They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.
Why do gay men have great skin? Because they respect and take care of their bodies, you homophobic piece of shit.
Today I asked out a belayer at an indoor climbing place. She said no... She let me down.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Kids these days be like.. Hashtag, you're it
Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They're getting so tall!
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
If your uncle jack helped you off an elephant Would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
I might care more about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it.
How long will a floating point operation  float?
if you say "summer" in the mirror three times a white girl in giant sunglasses drinking an iced coffee will appear and take selfies with you
What do gay horses like? Big fat horse cock.
Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.
If people smoke cigarettes, what do fish smoke? Seaweed
What is the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
Whenever I start telling a procrastination joke, it's more satisfying to tell a deadpan one instead.
The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.
What do you call a group of rabbits, standing single file, hopping backwards? A receding hare line!
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator.
Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking" At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"
A few years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope.. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
I became rich by selling fertilizer. I have some very prosperous phosphorus.
Why was the turkey (bird) named after the country? Because fuck you that's why
How is a pirate like a trumpet player? They both murder on the high C's.
My girlfriend was just about to eat my extra long sausage But then I caught the fat bitch
What do you call an army tow-truck? Camotow
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
What type of animals are put on envelopes? Seals.
How do you know Jesus is okay with gays? Because he had two dads
Premature ejectualation dinner party tonight, there's no formal dress code... Just come in your pants.
7: Its the last week of school so we don't have to go. Can I stay home? Me: Ha! Nice try, kid. Teacher: Its true. Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.
why wasn't the chicken able to cross the road because it was disabled
We save a lot of money on Halloween costumes by having naturally ugly children.
What do you get if you cross a hairdresser and a bucket of cement ? Permanent waves !
Him: Take them off. All of them. *slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
What did the retarded chef say after watching terminator PASTA LA VISTA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *TAKES OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES AND RUBS HIS NIPPLES*
What do you a zombie eating ice cream? Braaaaaaiiiiiiin freeze
Regarding Daughters Any father will tell ya that parents spend the first 2-3 years of a daughter's life trying to teach them to talk, and the next 15 or so trying to get them to shut-up.
Have you tried the new, ultra-realistic vibrator? "No, how does it work?" "Right before you climax it comes, goes limp, farts, and turns itself off."
My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term. It's textbook economics.
A year after marriage, wife complains to husband that he promised he would love her the same even after marriage... Husband says "yeah, but I wasn't expecting to get married to you!"
What type of computer sings? A Dell.
What's the capital of Zimbabwe? Hyper-inflated.
Why us it not good to have an oily face? The US might invade it.
what flavor of ice cream do you wish existed?? shaq sweat, nickelodeon slime, or maybe even dog the bounty hunter mullet flavored wow
Found this great joke in the latest serious Askreddit thread, thought you guys might like it [removed]
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything "user friendly" and "intuitive" and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I cast a spell on a girl today and it actually worked! I focused in on the girl and said "Virginus Protectus." It worked because she walked away with a terrified look on her face.
Whats the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a dick in someones mouth.
Knock Knock! -Who is it? -Santa -Oh, come on in santa. What did you bring me this year!? -Your black friday debts bitch! I'm Santa nder!
I hate church I hated church when I was a child, with all the standing and kneeling and sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.
I don't need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403. I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night. - from MASH
Heard unemployment was 10%, but I just did a quick poll of everyone at the office, and it seems like that number may be way high.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.
My ex dumped me because of my constant Linkin Park references. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.
Why is Santa always jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
dont tell the delivery guy you're gonna Fuck the pizza. Don't tell delivery guy You're gonna fuck the Pizza "Thank you i intend to Fu
Mum: Why hasn't ________? been around lately? I thought you were good friends? Me: Because he turned into a cunt.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*Opening presents 1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow! 2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I accidentally swallowed a piece of string the other day. When it finally came out the back end, it was all tied up. I shit you knot
Can someone please tell me????? What does the fox say?
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bulb and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
Banana Shirt http://teespring.com/Banana-Shirt#pid=369&amp;cid=6519&amp;sid=front
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today I guess I should've cooked it on aloha temperature
[me on a ledge] COP: (through megaphone) WE'VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP! *Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I accidenty said Hi to a feminist the other day... My court case starts tomorrow
"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel...
Definition of Bravery: Accepting oral sex from a cannibal.
Dear masturbating astronauts... In space. No one can hear you cream
What if we've got it backwards? Maybe mustaches have a thing for pedophiles.
I really only know one thing about Ebola. For some reason, it makes you really wanna go to the airport.
What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
What is enjoyed if it is wanted and hated if its not? Democracy
Why should you bring two Mormons with you when you go fishing? Because if you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.
How do you spot a meth - head in Wal-Mart... In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.
What do Emos and automatic lights have in common? They'll both off themselves eventually.
What do hookers do on their night off:  type?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them motivation.
A woman speaks to her Jewish son. *Kid is playing in a sandbox* &gt;Mom: Come back here! It's rude to play with the bodies of our ancestors!
Just found out I was dating a commie Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier
Trump interrupted Hilary Clinton up to 51 times in the first debate: Even grammer nazis interrupted fewer.
When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver
TIL in 1946, a German missile accidentally hit one of their own U-boats, sinking it. Oops. Wrong sub.
Robber: Give me your valuables Me: *hands him piece of paper* Robber: What's this? Me: My Netflix password.
what do you call a number of pie that was eaten illegally? Pie rate!
An autistic and a vegan walk into a bar You only know because they mention it every other sentence
Password security questions be like: What's your middle name? Why are you single? What's wrong with your big toe?
Back in my day a "selfie," was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology. Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support. EDIT: Came back from school to this! R.I.P Inbox!
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman before marriage &amp; after marriage
We have enough breakfast items for the toaster now, food scientists. Move on to the car heater vent.
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me... My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her. I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.
Can someone explain why the caveman SpongeBob memes are funny? Serious question not a joke
I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman. He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.
Its sad... Its sad that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence instead of his brilliant paintings of tunnels
Watson walks into room and sees Sherlock having sex. He inquires is she in high school. Sherlock replies.. Elementary! My dear Watson
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but they'd have to be really, *really* small.
Having a crush on someone is like solving a math problem. If you know you can't get it, all you can do is just stare at it.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet? Big shoes.
Every single person on this subway is staring at their phone and I'm so appalled I have to tweet about it.
The term "mentally ill" is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper up to a mile away.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? Ask Hugh Hefner.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass. hey-yo!
I asked Mick Jagger to pick me up some swampy plants. But a Rolling Stone gathers no moss.
How does a hipster measure out his drugs? Using instagrams.
What did the calculus teacher tell the crew of his submarine while they were diving? Derive, derive, derive!
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, glass ceilings don't have lightbulbs!
Shovels are incredible They're ground-breaking technology!
What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?. A tearjerker
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year.
me: "i re-wrote pulp fiction" director: "wow ok" [reads script] "this is literally just pulp fiction" me: "i didnt say it was different"
In the winter you just need to find a corner... Because its 90^o degrees there...
An Englisman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "What is this, some kind of a joke?
How do you drive a Unitarian out of town? Burn a question mark on their front lawn.
What do robots eat? A bit of this and a byte of that. Courtesy of /u/DabsyGalore here http://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/1dnslv/i_made_a_working_rollercoaster_using_only_canned/c9s630i
How many bear arms could Bear Grylls bear to bear if Bear Grylls could bear to bear bear arms? bear
There is a chair... And it is walking, down the street, with shoes.
I'm not sexist! Sexism is wrong. And being wrong is for women.
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks? Because they are a little meteor
Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.
You know what I love about cafeterias? Everything they serve is an entree. WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB
If we just refer to ISIS as "Nickelback" maybe nobody will want to join them
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for one day Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
Yo momma so fat... I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
I'm a freshman taking geometry. I can't wait to learn how to tie a hypotenoose.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There's PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don't enjoy yourself.
Told girl on flight she was pretty and she replied "Tell me something I don't know." So i asked if she remembered the quadratic formula.
What did the chronic masturbator say to his ex-girlfriend? I'm nuttin' without you.
Trump is the next president of the United States. Thanks Obama.
"What's this ticket, officer?" - Loitering "I didn't drop trash" - No. Loitering. "You talk funny" - It's not- "I'm putting this on Twoiter"
[after solid first date] Ok play it cool, don't wanna seem too eager.. *texts her 47 years later* "Had a great time the other night :)"
Houses in detroit are a lot like cheap ugly hookers... Only $1, but still no one wants them.
Why did the Soviet union fail? Too much Stalin'. Yeah it's bad but it made me giggle when I thought of it... :P
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
"look, you know i LOVE calling birds. love. but FOUR? jesus, phil, i don't have room for this shit and you knew that!"
Donald trump Yeah.
Death is a part of life... Specifically the last part.
What's long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine
If I had a time machine, sure I'd go back & kill Hitler, but first I'd pick up an ice cold Coca Cola Classic! (sponsored tweet)
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
"A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.
Yo mama so poor... She had to get her haircut at Good Clips.
Why aren't you doing very well in history? Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I  was born!
Ladies and gentlemen, Testicles. That is all.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we give a shit.
Sometimes I feel a seal is just a neutral sea lion Neutral as in Without an ion
what did the zero say to the eight? nice belt
What is your best orphan/dark joke? This will hopefully be sfw but my have strong words.
The Indian version of "How I Met Your Mother"is just a single episode called "I Met Her At Our Wedding".
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry? HIM: Maui ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Why do comedians hate noble gasses? They give no reaction.
WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
What's black and sits in the back of a cop car? The seat
I like my women like I like my cheese. Cold and blue.
Why did mozart kill his chickens? Because they were always saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach"
"Sit" dog sits "Down" dog lays down on floor "Play Dead" dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids
My Sergeant told us to "fire at will"... It's kind of a shame. I liked that guy.
Turns out the Joker has a criminally-insane dog. He's locked up in Barkham Asylum.
I found this place online that sells authentic moon rocks. The rocks themselves are really cheap, but the shipping is a bitch.
"I don't think you're ready for this jelly." ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
A guy walks into a bar... his face gets bruised, his phone shatters on the concrete, and the Pokemon gets away.
You hear about these new trains that can burn any organic matter for fuel? They even run on thyme!
It's the anniversary of the Titanic sinking. Fortunately, we've made sure that would never happen today by melting all the icebergs.
A man was arrested for climbing up and headbutting Big Ben repeatedly... Police can not identify the suspect but say his face rings a bell.
My girlfriend told me she almost choked on her birth control this morning. It looks like it almost did it's job.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait-- WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
You couldn't hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
Why did the feminist masseuse stop at the thigh? She didn't like to massage a knee.
What do you call a pregnant stewardess? Pilot error
What makes the Japanese better than Al Qaeda? At least the Japanese were considerate enough to bring their own planes
How to piss of a reddit moderator? [Removed]
WIFE: "You look tired honey. How about a  nice steak mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?" HUSBAND: "No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
What's a white supremacist's favourite fast food restaurant? KKKFC
How are UFO's related to hamburgers? Both are Unidentified Frying Objects!
Have you heard of the 300-lb. college student from Japan? He graduated sumo cum laude
Knock knock I can't believe you felt for it :)
Happy New Year everyone....and may your worries this year last no longer than a Kardashian marriage .
What do you call it when the host of Who Wants to be a Millionaire messes up while reading the question? A Regis Error.
I don't want to die a virgin... ... it would really confuse my kids.
What is the definition of trust? Gay cannibals
That's shocking!! Hold on. *quickly draws overly arched eyebrows* Ok. Go on.
Me "I love you." My 3yo "Thanks." And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.
World Organization Baseball Game What did NATO say to the EU at the World Organization baseball game? Europe!
I know a good joke about hipsters. You've probably never heard it.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
very productive day today, turd-wise
what's the difference between cocaine and a 4 year old? Eric Clapton would never let cocaine fall out a window
Contrary to popular belief, Plumbers are not good lovers They are emotionally draining...
Why was the dyslexic rabbit disappointed when he received the solid gold bar he had ordered via the internet? He thought the ad said '24 carrots'
I think I got crabs from an LGBT orgy last night... I must be having too many sexes.
My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.
{At the art museum with my newborn son} baby: dada? Me: it's impressionist you stupid baby
"Where do you see yourself in five years?" In 2020.
"I'm a diamond in the rough." "That's a whole lot of rough."
If it looks like a fish and smells like a fish... Shes's probably too old for you.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
The Hunger Games Don't they play those in Africa?
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp... Police are looking into it.
An old man is running through the halls of an old-folks home wearing a cape and yelling "Super Sex! Super Sex!" An old lady pokes her head out of her room and says, "I'll have the soup."
"Roses are red, violets are blue, fuck you whore."
Would you like me to make you a hot dog? Yes, please. Poof! You're a hot dog!
My grandpappy didn't come here from Norway so a black president could let immigrants park their low-riders in front of my liquor store!
Why did the pregnant Chinese chicken cross the road? Because ah, the egg roll.
What do you call an elephant that looks like a rhino? 'Elephino.
I don't mind when a waitress says, "Is Pepsi fine?" when I ask for some coke. But when my drug dealer says it, it's kind of annoying
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
Bats are just rats who had too much Red Bull.
Why did the old lady throw the clock outside her window? SHE WAS MENTALLY ILL!!!!!!
What is Kylo Ren's favorite drink? Supreme Liter Coke.
What car does Boba Fett drive? A ManDeLorean!
I lied to the doctor when asked my crush's blood type. Now she knows what rejection feels like.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.... not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
After Dante was Iced He went to the "Inferno" cause it was warm :P
RIP Boiling Water You will be mist
What was the pig doing in the kitchen? Bacon! Get it?
What's the difference between eating pussy and eating apple pie? You can eat your mom's apple pie.
You can park your car anywhere you want as long as you turn on your emergency blinkers. It's one of the more obscure lifehacks out there
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself? (Wait for it...)
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at sea.
Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless.... It's Chris Hansen.
When your mother asks if you are sexually active, the correct response is not "No, I just lie there."
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory.
Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with ? The girl necks door.
Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. 
Dark humor is like a child with cancer... It never gets old
People always give up on me when I show them these words. See if you can get the opposite of each word: Always Staying From Take Me Down
Teacher: Frd give me a sentence starting with  "I." Fred: I is . . . Teacher: No Fred. You must always say "I am." Fred: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Just a stupid joke I made up... What is a pedophile's favorite Jedi? Kid Fisto.
After my date orders, I always tell the waiter "Nothing for me..I'll be eating later" Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!
On the list of things I've learned today: 1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog 2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Why are fire trucks red? Because if someone pulled your hose you would be red too.
"Does my bum look big in this dress?" my wife asked this morning. I said "No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse".
I think Android application developers are magical. They're like open sorcerers.
*takes construction hat to vet* Please help. My turtle hasn't moved in 8 years.
Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.
Everyone said I should get a kid I really don't see what all the fuss is about. All mine does is ask 'How long until I can see my parents again?'
What do you call a blind deer? No-eye deer. What do you call a blind deer with no legs? *Still* no-eye deer.
A fight broke out at the bubble-making contest. It came to blows.
Why are birds always sad in the morning? Their bills are over dew
I love it when I see an old friend I haven't seen in years and pretend to not see them
I decided to treat my girlfriend, but she ended up dying... Apparently "cancer" is best left to "medical professionals"
Dr: Smoking weed causes memory loss Me: How? Dr: It just does Me: What just does? Dr: Smoking weed causes memory loss Me: How?
What did the drug dealer say to his long time girlfriend? Marriage-u-wanna?
My roommate was complaining to me that his favorite P!nk song never came on the radio. And i was like, "so what?" I'll show myself out.
Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.
[if trump wins somehow] alien: "i said take me to your leader" me: "dude i swear this is him"
Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones Then I realize, of course you can, I'm in your backyard
How do you make an elephant float? Take a cup and add root beer, two scoops of ice cream, and an elephant
What type of memory card is always laughing? The XD card.
My dad said I'm likeable. I think of myself more as a lion but whatever.
This Suicide Prevention message was brought to you in part by: **Nike** *"Just Do It"*
What's the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment. I'll see myself out.
My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks... Well my wife's 70, with a face like the back of a bus, and last night I taught her to light her own farts.
A Jewish kid asks his dad for money He asks his dad for 10 dollars. His dad replies, "8 dollars? What do you need 5 dollars for?"
Jewish jokes. 1: How do you pick up a Jewish girl? - A dustpan 2: How do you get a Jewish girl's number? - Roll up her sleeve.
what sex position produces the ugliest children? ask your parents
Why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes? Could they not hire taller dancers?
I bet if supermodels got to pick a superpower some of them would choose 'solar' because some of them aren't that bright
wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
For those who believe that size doesn't matter....would you be satisfied if your woman brought you a small sandwich?
What do you get when you cross worms with elephants? Big holes in your garden
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex Me: Mom, I'm 32 Mom: Exactly
I like to push the envelope because it's probably a bill, and eventually it'll fall off the table.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire F: what? No M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I think the health care bill is unpopular because it lacks vampires.
Brexit must have impacted Game of Thrones' budget really badly... (spoilers) I heard yesterday they fired half of the cast.
What was the name of the pharao that screwed everything up? Ineptitut.
Did you hear the joke about the alarm? No? It doesn't ring a bell?
What do you call a gathering of otolaryngologists? An ENTmoot.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
Did you hear about the French guy who died after eating in a fish restaurant? It must have been food poissoning.
If you were a basketball, could I drive you, and lay you up?
viscoelasticity is a bit creepy
A feminist, a fat person and a Hitler walk into a bar... Feminism is bad.
Why dracula drinks the blood of virgins The same reason we put "virgin" into olive oil
What happens when the USSR gets back together? A Soviet Reunion.
16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!' Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.' Me: *mumbles 'No shit.' W: 'What was that??'
What's brown and sticky? A stick. ^^^^^I'll ^^^^^just ^^^^^see ^^^^^myself ^^^^^out ^^^^^now
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn't understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex...
Why do people become bakers? Because they knead the dough. (Kneading hand motions required during recital.)
Ellen Pao.
Food just tastes better upside-down 1. upside-down cake 2. hamburgers 3. not cereal tho 4. oh no cereal is everywhere 5. why did I do this
When life gives you melons... ... you might be dyslexic.
What does a fish say when he hits concrete? Dam! A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump.
"What do we want?" "A cure for ADHD!" "When do we want it?" "Squirrel!"
Girl you got the brains of a seal. Wanna get smashed at the club?
My roommate says I don't respect personal space. That's at least what it says in his diary.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Here's how clickbait works
I'd pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.
Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt? Because his career was in ruins
What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets.
"You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.
My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C'mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
#NAME?
Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.
The Revenant: How do you call a scalped Leonardo DiCaprio? Leonardo DiCabrio
The other day my mom asked me if I think my girlfriend is manipulative "Only if she wants me to" I replied.
What is the world's leading cause of hearing loss? Religion.
What does Melania say to the Donald after sex? Next time *I* suck Bill's dick while YOU watch.
After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it's still January so it's super cold out and I have considerate eyes.
How many retards does it take to push a bus? Just one. They're retardedily strong.
Why did the man quit his job at the bakery? He didn't knead any more dough.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he's artiokay.
I put my phone on airplane mode and now I can't bloody find it
Guy: If u won lotto, what'd u get? Me: A cat sitter G: To take extra good care of Sox? M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
If a faggot is a collection of sticks, what do you call a collection of faggots? One Direction.
Why dont Egyptian Chefs do well in the circus? They always fal-afel off the tight rope.
My guidelines for whether or not to have sex with a female were the same as how I chose outdoor sports. If there was grass on the field, I played ball.
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out fires Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks
A world without women would be a pain in the ass!!! ... If you don't get it... you don't deserve to.
Some military humour: why do I call the ol' downstairs resident APFSDS? Because it's a long-rod kinetic penetrator!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Burns ! Burns who ? Burns me up !
Vegetables What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato? Lettuce go
Pope John Paul is being sainted. What a snub to Pope George Ringo.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because, If they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
Have you heard about that new dating app for serial killers? It's called Skinder
65 year old guy i work with came at me with this one the other day What does a 80 year old women taste like? Depends..
What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming? My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.
What do you call a fake noodle?... An Impasta!
6: can u get me a drink? Me: no, you're 6yo. You can get your own drink 6: fine *goes to fridge Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?
Whenever I'm done with peeing, I like to sing "shake it off" when I'm done.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Q. What do Robin Williams and Joan Rivers want for Christmas? A. Betty White.
A couple's having breakfast. He says, "Were you faking it last night?" She says, "No, I was really asleep."
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto
What is hard when it goes in your mouth but comes out soft and sticky? A gumball.
MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME WITH A TINY FARMER wait these are Legos
Why did the Chemistry Teacher go to Jail? He got caught giving alcohol to minors.
If it weren't for snow blowers... The UPS man wouldn't come.
You hear about the blind guy on Wheel of Fortune? He asked if he could buy an I.
The US Presidential choice is now all about choosing between .... .....the one who was weak with E-mails and the one who was weak with Fe-males....!!! GOD BLESS AMERICA 
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
How many paedophiles does it take to change a lightbulb? No more than 12.
You might say I'm socially constipated... ... ... I haven't given a shit in years.
If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.
What do Amish people catch when they start using technology? Mennonitis!
I took a class in Women's Studies last semester. It was the tits.
Did you hear about that amazing joke that Jesus told as he was dying? I don't know the joke, but apparently he nailed the execution.
What did the salt say to the pepper? Season's greetings!
This deodorant says "avoid contact with eyes" Too late...I've already seen it.
A Limerick There was a young man from Belgrave, Who found a dead whore in a cave, He said "It's disgusting", But she only needs dusting, Just think of the money I'll save!
If you still pay for porn I have a Typewriter and a VCR I want to sell you.
I can't decide whether to go to Australia or Thailand this year for a holiday. So I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of both. Australia has a load of Cons, but Thailand has lots of Pros.
zombies break out in nyc we aint noticing for 4 days because the motto is "MIND YA BUSINESS"
Appendi Appendii Appendiii Appendiv Appendv Appendvi Appendvii Appendviii Appendix
there should be a salad bar but with different types of cookies
SCIENCE JOKE A NEUTRON WALKS INTO A BAR AND ASKS THE BARTENDER AND SAID, "HOW MUCH DOES A DRINK COST?" The bartender replies " For you no charge."
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh. I figured she couldn't do any harm if she couldn't open it. She threw it at her sister's head.
Dating a single mother.... It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
Another Old Blonde Joke A brunette yells to a blonde across a river, "Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?" The blonde yells back "You are on the other side!"
snapchat conversations are hard because eventually you just run out of selfie poses so you end up taking pictures of the couch or something
Everyone is self-confident until they see themselves through an iPhone's front camera.
How do you know if you're making out with a french horn player? They keep trying to put their hand up your butt.
Sometimes when I attempt to make a joke as reply-all to a group email chain I hit the wrong button & just make joke to 1 weirded out person
In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I drive the speed limit when I play street racing games. I don't win but I have many moral victories and countless virtual pedestrian fans.
Because it ruins the joke. Why should you never put the punchline in the title?
I have seen you with no filter, and I still adore you.
I had a childhood friend who had a speech impediment Needless to say, I kick ass at Mad Gab
What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Lexus? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Lexus...
Based on the Scotland vote results... It looks like the UK didn't get off Scot-free.
I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in... ...Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.
People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian" Well nobody is laughing now.
Is thinking about doing something! Now just got to think what that something will be!!!
I was gonna make an Indian Pun But I got Naan
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? The food's ok, but it has no atmosphere.
"My husband had a heart attack while having sex with me." "I'm so sorry, ma'am. At least he died doing what he loved."
Gaytway 'Gay' is a tricky word. If someone asks 'are you gay?' If you respond no, it mean you are not happy with your life...if your response is yes, it means you are not happy with your wife!
What do you call a septic cat? pussy.
When I have to put on one of those thick leather weightlifter belts to take a shit, I know it's time to eat a vegetable.
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Soup: for when you want to be hungry again in 20 minutes
Not looking at my phone during dinner will be the most romantic gesture I will make today.
Q: Did you hear about the fly that flew through a screen door? A: He strained himself.
How does a frog greet a rabbit during the holiday season? Hoppy holidays, and have a hoppin New Hare! Happy holidays everyone.
You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight
How does a farmer find a sheep in the long grass? Satisfying
What two places can you find a California roll? Sushi bars and stop signs. Source: am southern Oregonian; lots of bad Cali drivers here
A recent survey asked 12 year olds what they had done over the past week. 83 percent answered... "your mom".
I asked a beautiful Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex sex sex free sex tonight". I said, "Wow". Then her friend speaks: "She means 6663629".
My Catholic grandmother told me I had to give something up for lent. I told her I'd give up lent.
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they are extremely efficient and they dont have any humor.
Me: I'll take 'Marriage' for 800 Alex Alex: Having one wife too many Me: What is bigamy Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
GHOST: I'm here to warn you to change your ways before it's too late POLTERGEIST: I'ma open your cupboards
Wanna hear a good pizza joke? Never mind, its too cheesy.
The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?" Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"
Tech support in the military Troubleshoot to kill.
What do you call the Hamburglar's accomplice? hamburglar helpler
[on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Where do you hide if you kill a black man? Behind a badge.
What's a bees favourite novel ? The Great Gats-bee !
Rosy Red Cheeks What do you get when you squat over a rosy red fire?
*wind starts wearimg sunglases adn 90s clothes* *wind starts recitimg will smith raps* wow this is som realy fresh air
[American Politics] Why do Republicans favor small government? To bitter fit in my uterus.
"And make it obvious." -what I assume some ladies getting plastic surgery say
Why do hipsters drink their Jello? They want to have it before it's cool.
Turns out Olympian Bruce Jenner Was just running from his penis.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
What do blind people drive? A cataract.
What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day? He always came on time.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapuss
How High Are You? Officer: How high are you? Me: No Officer, it's hi, how are you?
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients? At your cervix, m'lady
Imagine how much money you could save on vitamins by dying.
why did the native family starve? Somebody hid the welfare cheque in a work boot.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Learn which drugs are cool rn. You don't wanna be a nerd parent
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? a pilot, you racist.
Bill Cosby sure does love pudding.... his dick where it doesnt belong.
What is Meghan Trainor's favorite instrument? A double quarter pounder with cheese.
Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.
a few things i notice while on pain killers: i don't blink, unicorns talk too fast & i can remove my right leg at the hip.
NSFW. What do you get when you mix a rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Do you remember that creepy girl who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
A math joke What do you call a bag that never approaches anything? *an asymp-tote*
What did the farmers daughter say when she lost her virginity? Get off me dad your crushing my smokes!
What did one ISIS member say to another? "IED mubarak.."
"*RING**RING* in the middle Of night! "Hello?" "Hey man are you home?" "No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King."
Whats the difference between being kinky and perverted. When your kinky you mess with the feathers, but when your perverted you mess with the whole chicken.
The worst thing about being told you got Alzheimer... Is it just doesn't happen the once.
I treat my body like a temple. I fill it with crap for the afterlife...
Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.
*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama* *Obama faints* Only a kiss from his one true love will save him *Biden takes out lipstick*
Why were the burgers in the refrigerator embarrassed? They saw the salad dressing!
What's the term for when the pool breaks during water birth? A midwife crisis.
Accordion to studies... Most people don't replace the first word of a sentence with an instrument
Why don't you ever hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.
If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.
I bet you vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots. Barbarians.
What is the easiest way to know if a rabbit is homosexual? His carrot smells like shit
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life.... Avoiding them
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! 
The chicken's egg never hatched... It was a bad yoke.
What do you get when you mix an elf and a scientologist? Elrond Hubbard!
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
What do you call a bodyless person, without a nose? Nobody Nose.
Dad i know I'm adopted Hi adopted, I'm not dad
What do turtles do for fun? Play hide and shell.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator!
Did you hear about the bomb that blew up a French cheese shop? There's de brie everywhere.
[Calls boss] I won't be in today "Why not?" [camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car] I've got the shits.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints.
Have you heard about the new Italian radial tires? When they go flat they go "wop wop wop!"
Why can't you make fun of Steve Jobs' death? ... Because it's not PC
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Why do you never see an elephant hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.
the latest trend I hear the latest trend is to install trampolines on cruise ships - apparently everyone's jumping on board
VIAGRA: It won't make you James Bond... But it will make you Roger Moore.
What's the difference between Jesus and the painting of the Last Supper? You only need one nail to hang the painting.
Knock knock. Who's there? Fucked-up Joke Frog. "Fucked-up Joke Frog" who? To get to the other side.
What TV station do bees watch ? Bee bee c one!
Wanna hear a joke about reddit and clickbait?
I should buy my girlfriend a plunger for christmas because she loves to bring up old shit.
Actor Jim Carrey vehemently denounced California's new vaccination requirement for all school-age children because it would render them immune to the childhood disease of being a fan of Jim Carrey.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alexia ! Alexia who ? Alexia again to open this door !
When I die I want my Group project members to lower me into my grave. So they can let me down one last time.
What is worse than three kids in trash can? One kid in three trash cans
Why does the mermaid wear seashells? She grew out of her b-shells.
It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas and Steve. Get out of here Steve.
What happens when you cross a snowman and a vampire? You get a frostbite.
Why doesn't anyone watch women's hockey? The games take 3 months to play!
All the guys in working out photos look like they're straining or in pain, but there's lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Who do fish listen to when they want to hear some dubstep? Krillex.
How do you tell an astronaut where they're going? Straight up.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a mummy ? Something you wouldn't want to unwrap !
Donald Trump is losing support from Republicans He is considering joining the Whig party.
"My microwave is broken" -Abraham Lincoln
Everyone take nude selfies now "Keep your phone in your pocket next to your genitals and they're bound to get together and have a couple of drinks" -Stephen Colbert
Are those your discarded fingernails on this bus seat or are you just happy to watch me throw up my breakfast?
This is a really good joke April fools!
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom. Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*Turns up "Eye of the Tiger"* *air boxes* *jumps imaginary rope* *takes awesome nap* *crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*
What's the hardest part to eat when eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
A Mexican has 2 kids. He names the first one Jose. What did he name the other? Hose B
What is the Easter Bunny's favourite sport?  Basket-ball of course!
A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.
*points w/ middle finger* "Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else" - Me giving directions.
Why have all the immigrants left? They had no rights.
How do you catch the Easter Bunny? Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!
My Friends and The Catholic Church Most people accuse me of being a wanker. Not the Roman Catholic Church. They call me a mass murderer!
I ordered the special at a gay Chinese restaurant... The first course was the cream of summ yun gai
Best joke you came up with yourself? A lot of people think that Saudi Arabians are uninformed. What do you expect? They live under Iraq (a rock).
[emailing eHarmony match] Her: describe yourself Me: brown hair, kinda stalky Her: lol you mean stocky Me [through her bedroom window]: No
A man goes to the doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor pens the following in his notes "Patient presented with anxiety".
Why are reddittors so environmentally friendly?... Because the recycle everything!
My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light. Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn't have Twitter in the 80s
Why do black people have such big dicks? So they have something to play with on christmas. -inappropriate, but i think its funny.
I would never get a minivan because I can't even think of 7 people I'd want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Have I told you how much I don't like the cars that can go up vertical surfaces? They drive me up the fucking wall.
I like my women like I like my eggs. Beaten.
I haven't spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I'm getting really sick of all this hate for Donald Trump. It isn't nice to make fun of mentally ill people.
Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to perform a logical right shift? A: 32. One to hold the bits and 31 to push the register.
Why are Asians such bad drivers? Because you can blind them with dental floss
How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?" he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
So everyone knows, it's frowned upon to yell "Hot potato" when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them
What do you call a gypsy in a suit? The defendant
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They're all to busy beating the room for being black!
I used to be schizophrenic. But we are ok now.
Seeing another person with synesthesia... is like music to my eyes.
The planet would be a better place if people would just be who they truly are. Human civilization would collapse within a week...
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life". But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
What is the number 1 rule at a computer bar? Always tip your server.
Do you like my new baby sister ? The stalk bought her. Hmm it looks as if the stalk dropped her on her head.
Why are there trees in Harlem? Public Transport
What do women and dog shit have in common? The older they are the easier they are to pick up.
My heart goes out to all the single thermometers that don't get any help from the therdadeter.
I have never seen the movie Titanic and I never plan to because a friend spoiled the ending for me The boat sinks. Credit to u/Donkey__Xote for this beautiful comment in an r/AskReddit thread
What's pirates' favourite meme? Ayy lmao
Apple announced a breast implant that plays music... The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.
What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French revolution? They put their head into it.
Yes, I DO think "did you bring my pizza?" is an acceptable answer when you're in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Yo mumma so fat.. Yo mumma so fat that she needs two wristwatches, one on each hand because she's in two timezones. NOTE: I'm Australian so I spell the word mum with an 'u'
Why cant a nose be 12 inches long? Cause then it would be a foot.
Ugh! We get it, sun! You're really bright and shit, now calm down.
How are Oklahoma 3.2 beers like sex in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 
A prisoner convicted of beastiality has escaped. Recent reports confirm he's on the lamb.
If you're ever unsure whether a person is a muppet or a human try shoving your hand up their ass.
Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November.
A joke the owner of the pizzeria I work at told me while listening to Beethoven. Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? Because it wouldn't stop saying "Bach, Bach, Bach."
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.
My wife: "vacation sex really is the best!" Worst postcard I ever received.
What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed? A reptile dysfunction. Thank high me for that one.
Why did they give a megaphone to the dog who couldn't climb a tree? Because he couldn't bark
An honest lawyer. What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
I haven't seen my mom in a while My mom decided she'd rather be a man. Then we stopped seeing her much; That tends to happen with transparents.
Purse dogs... I've heard they're pretty clutch.
"You only want my daughter for one thing!" yelled my girlfriend's mother. "That's your fault for not teaching her to cook," I said.
Baby talk is confusing, desperate to find out if the baby was in pain I had to do it I had to ... ... Google gaga.
What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale
Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
Don't feel sad...don't feel blue... Frankenstein was ugly too...
What do you call a Unicorn with his horn cut off? a Eunuch-horn! :D
Yo mama's so loose and hairy... It looks like Bob Ross screaming at the top of his lungs.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet  players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What's an oven's favorite comedy routine? Deadpan.
Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...... Hang on. It dosen't matter now......!
Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name--screw you. I'm calling you what I've been calling you for the last 10 years.
Kim Kardashian getting 6 million dollars stolen is a lot like if I got the condom that's been in my wallet since I was 12 stolen... Am I gonna miss it? Yeah. Was I gonna use it? No.
Sign over the urinal in Dad's favorite bar We keep this restroom clean because we aim to please ... so, you aim too, please.
Trump says he wants to move into the White House... ...why not? Wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family from their house Edit: Credit to Snoop Dogg
What do Catholics and Baptists have in common? Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
Marriage is like a deck of cards... In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
How many Freudian scientists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis LADDER I MEANT LADDER!!
I made this girl fall in love with me textually. She said she wanted to # me @ her place.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little 'present' on my lawn GUY: Huh? ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
"The powder | "The pow| "The power | "The power of Cheese | "The power of Ch| "The power of Christ compels you!" - The AutocorrExorcist
Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.
My brother's got a degree in wheel-making. Only 359 more to go.
My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me
Me: I just need some time alone, please. *closes door* - Ma'am, if you're not trying on clothes, we'll need you to leave the dressing room.
A disciple asked, "Master, is it okay for a monk to use emails?" "Yes, son," the guru quipped, "as long as there are no attachments."
[Being murdered at Walmart] Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can't know I shopped here
I joined the DNA this week . . . The National Dyslexic Authority
Job interview: "what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date" "I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning"
What'd the fish say when he ran into a wall? Dam!
What do you call a Jew with Down Syndrome? A baked potato.
You've gotta be careful talking to Steve Jobs because he'll say the word 'eyeballs' and really be referring to his custom-made Apple gonads.
i bet Slash has a lot of trouble trying to tell people how to get to his website
What's the difference between light and hard? I can go to sleep with the light on.
JOKE! :D What is a Nigger in a Cockpit? .... ... .... .... .... A Pilote ! What are you thinging about! tststststststs Rassist !
Woke up so hungry I could eat my own cooking!
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? We do taste like chicken.
My boyfriend cheated on me So I convinced him to get matching tattoos... he went first and I went home
I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.
alarm (noun) -a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.
How did the hipster burn his tongue...? ... he drank his coffee *before it was cool.*
What happened to Han when Chewie wouldn't do the marathon? He Ran Solo...
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you'd think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
By a show of hands, who has hands? Sit down Leonard, you're a seahorse.
What starts with E, ends with E and has only one letter? An envelope!
Technically there is a lot of food in this house but none it is sweet or microwaveable therefore there is no food in the house.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam.
Why did the spider buy a car ? So he could take it out for a spin !
Today I found Jesus in my life. Let me tell you about him. He is tan with a thick black mustache, and eyes so brown they make your soul melt. He is my gardner, the best I have ever employed.
What comes after 69? Neither Alan Rickman nor David Bowie
They say there's such a thing as safety in numbers... Tell that to six million Jews.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.
Life filled with asp, php, HTML, SEO, Digital Marketing, Drip, PPC, SEM and much much more
Did you hear about the man with a cold who went to a miniature petting zoo? He was feeling a little hoarse.
What's the difference between a chair and an asshole? You are not a chair...
- I like to travel in first - But is expensive, is not? - Yes, I have already broken three cars!! European joke...
What's the difference between driving a car on an empty tank of gas and having diarrhea? One you're running on fumes, the other you're fuming with the runs.
Once you've seen one shopping center... ...you've seen a mall.
What do you call mustard that's not very hot? Air condijoned. I'll see myself out.
I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.
Donald Trump, his publicist, and his ghostwriter walk into a bar... "So you're alone tonight, Donnie?"
If Donald Trump had a band, what would be its name? Donald Trump and the Trumpets Their first single : We built this wall.
What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest.
There's a serial killer in our house! Normal people: "CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!" - In movies: "Lets go find him" -___-
What did the male titanic say to the female titanic? Nothing he just broke the ice.
Just go ahead and arrest the psychopaths who still have egg avatars.
I slept like a baby last night... I woke up every 15 minutes and then shat myself
What do the LGBT community and computers have in common? Most people over 50 are scared of them and think they are destroying the fabric of society!
How did the dog make $10 It won second prize in a beauty contest.
I'm a vampire that only feeds only on virgin blood... I'm 100% self-sufficient.
What do you call an elf that sings? A wrapper.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor Airport security:...
A guy walked up to me in the street today and yelled "N B A G"... ...I thought to myself, that's bang out of order.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Damn
In 7 seasons I've never seen a single motherfucker on Top Chef wash their hands.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is "swinging a mean stick", so look out, ladies. He's back.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called "good"
First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem
Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
A jumper cable walks into a bar... The bartender looks at him and says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
I heard Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together. I guess she's not a one-hit wonder.
Why do rednecks love Halloween? They get to pump-kin.
What's the riddle? What has a foot but no legs?
Did you hear about Etchisketchestan? It got destroyed be an earthquake.
What do you call a man with his big toe above his shin? Tony
Return policy: "If for any reason you are not satisfied..." Ok, I'm not satisfied because dwarves and rockets.
Damn, ref. Is your phone on vibrate? Because you sure as hell missed that pass interference call on Sherman!
Why did I rob the bank? For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.
Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ? So he could hide in the cherry tree !
I guess you could say One Direction went two directions. I'll see myself out.
What do you call a pig that was murdered? A ham-i-cide
Trump: "If you mess with the United States...." .....there will be hell Toupeeeeee
My Chinese neighbor was just found guilty of child molestation... What a Sik Fuk.
What do you call a Buffalo Sabres shirt? A Tank Top
I've just been charged with stocking a chicken. I'm hoping to get it reduced.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid: Dog game piece Boardwalk and Park Place. Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
A jew girl's doctor tricked her into having sex with him. Hesadic was good for her.
Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Employer: "In this job we need someone  who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job every time anything went wrong they said I was responsible."
A poem for r/Jokes "Roses are grey. Violets are grey. I am a dog."
As a middle class first world citizen, I still feel I know just as much about working in a sweatshop in China as the children themselves. After all, I've walked a mile in their shoes.
A Higgs Boson walks into a Church and is told to leave He says 'but you can't have mass without me!'
There's a C cup, a T cup, and a P cup The C cup is for drinking coffee The T cup is for drinking tea And the P cup is used to get a Mexican to work
What's a pirates favorite letter? R, C, I and P are all pretty much equal
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don't worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My sister-in-law had a miscarriage Does that raise or lower her kill-death ratio?
Here's one for all you Stalinists out there! Communist jokes are only funny if you share them.
What is a guy with ED favorite saying? I'm going to PUMP YOU UP!
Why is blackmail called blackmail? Because it isn't fair.
I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.
I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!
My wife got a restraining order against me. I love it when she plays hard to get.
If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She's probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny's again.
"It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your son is?" "I'm at home, mom. You raised a loser."
Your as worthless as, Tits on a boar hog.
Does your state have less water than California? Drought it.
Why did the skull not want to go to prom, but still did? He didn't have any *body* to go with But he still really wanted to bone.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
What do you call someone who's only part Jew? Jewish
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it's yours" - Inventors of boomerangs
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't make cheap leather out of Ferraris.
"Take Your Child to Work Day" must be awkward at the dildo factory.
a keyboard walks into a barbershop on the international space station "i just want an easy, short cut". then he hit the bar
How do farmers count their cows? With a Cowculator!!
I ordered a brand-new sandwich maker online. Her name is Svetlana.
Relationship status  table for one but drinks for two.
How to get laid: WALK RIGHT UP TO HER & just get to know her over time until u build mutual affection & the trust to enjoy each other naked
My wife is so skilful... My wife is so skilful she can say "No" in thousand different ways. Without even speaking.
How do you make a dead dog shake? 2 scoops ice cream, 1 scoop dead dog.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger? Me: No. CW: How about the 1 on your desk? Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?! CW: OMG! *runs away*
Where do Dalmatians get their music from? Spotify.
I'm glad they finally made waterproof phones. Pushing friends into the pool is funny.
Is that gluten free? You mean Kosher for Passover, right?
My favourite two word joke. Dwarf (_) &amp;nbsp; ( _)&gt;- &amp;nbsp; (_) Shortage &amp;nbsp; [By Jimmy Carr]
The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My grandfather's final words before he kicked the bucket were... "I'm gonna kick this bucket!"
Did you hear about the horse that has made a  dozen films? He's not a star though he just does bit parts!
TLC launching new spin-off Josh Duggar retrospective series.... "15 and Mounting".
The worst part about "Friends" being canceled is that I've now been stuck with Rachel's last haircut since 2004.
Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus? Because he'd urn-ed it.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The world is so politically correct these days. You used to be able to say "black paint." Now it has to be "Jamal can you please paint my wall?"
Do you know what the best part of wearing a watch is? Time is on your side.
I wanted to smoke a joint at the Mexican border... I wonder why everyone ran away when I asked for papers
What do you call an angle that is cute ? Acute angle.
"Hey, How was your Blind date?" "Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!"......"What's so terrible about that?"....."He was the original owner!!!"
What do you call a jelly bear that died and came back? A mummy bear
I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, "omg you look like hell."
The Reddit admins die and find themselves going straight to hell... It made me laugh...
I don't drink anymore ...or any less, still too much.
I'm not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Doctors have determined Hillary doesn't have pneumonia Apparently a little girl from Kansas just threw some water on her.
What did the Nazi/Islamist soccer team say when they lost the game? The shoes did it!
What's the difference between Santa and a pimp ? Santa has just 3 Ho's...
What's the worst thing about being a Jehovah's witness? Nobody asks, 'who's there?' when you try and tell a knock knock joke.
One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
What would you call a Russian invasion of Alaska? Ice [Krim](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D0%9A%D1%80%D1%8B%D0%BC)
What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common? They both contain high amounts of trans fats.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
There is three rings in marriage... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering
What kind of olives do I like? Olive them
How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington  at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying 'Uncle Simian Wants You!'
Dear Architect, surely this bald spot on my head is a glitch in the matrix?
Did you hear about the guy who haggled with a prostitute for sex in exchange for his pet deer? He was trying to get the most bang for his buck.
What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Did you hear the one about the streaker who ran naked through a church? The priest caught him by the organ
Santa used to work alone and was overwhelmed, but one day his life changed. He read an elf-help book. The only problem is, now he has to pay elf-employment tax.
I polled a bunch of horses asking them if they wanted equal rights as humans. Oddly enough, they all said nay.
What did the goldsmith say when he stubbed his toe? Au
What do you call a boy raised by a feminist? Serial killer
Don't get me wrong I'm impressed by the Olympics but what really impresses me is people who sleep with their cell phones in other rooms.
Laughter is the best medicine........unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
What's the worst part about eating out a grandma? Have you ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you Me: I'm sorry I gave you that impression. That's not correct
Sodium...Sodium...Sodium...Sodium...Sodium... Batman!
How many metal heads does it take to change a light bulb? None. Darkness foreverrrr!
What's orange and can't climb a tree? Donald Trump.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in it's eye? Chicken caesar salad.
Why should I submit a joke today? Because today's April full!
What did the tie say to the neck? I think I'll just hang around.
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the South? Because if it were invented in the North, it'd be called the teethbrush!
I've always wanted to meet a Syrian ... That's why I'm travelling to Germany next year.
Why did the operation Barbarossa fail? The supreme commander didn't have the balls required.
People say his actions move people to tears. well I wasn't aware he was rapist.
[on a business trip to South Carolina] Nice to meet you. I'm from Philadelphia. "Welcome to the United States."
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say "I don't think you're ready."
I hate w.hen my period comes early
A horse walks into a bar... and the bartender says, "Hey look everybody! Sarah Jessica Parker is in the house!"
A 'red list' of endangered species has been released. It includes 'literate people on Facebook' and 'monogamous footballers'.
*makes sure kids are asleep* *walks out to car* *slowly unwraps candy bar* *hears knock on window* *puts head down* *hands it to them*
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
i look at my phone's 100% battery icon with the same fondness as proud parents watching their children bounce out of bed yelling "pancakes!"
What do you call a Vicar on a motorbike? Rev
What do you call a whore house with only men? A bro-thel
Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make. Unless you're super hungry, in which case you're allowed to mow people down.
Everyone at this party is talking like a pilot.. ...they all keep saying they have to take off in the morning.
Deer Nuts and Beer Nuts Q:Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts A:Ones a dollar and the other is under a buck
Why did the blind lady fall in a well? because she couldn't see that well
I started my own traffic control company. It's a slow-moving business.
Someone stole my mood ring I'm not sure how I feel about that
Knock Knock Who's there ! Boise ! Boise who ? Boise ivy !
Q: How do you say "take a shit" in Japanese? A: Shit-take Q: How do you say "took a shit" in Japanese? A: Shit-take-mashita
A man told me there was a Pikachu in the back of his white van. When I jumped in, it appeared that he was mistaken.
If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the less popular manwoman.
2015: This is our son, Aiden. 2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The only thing scarier than getting a call from an unknown number, is when that number doesn't leave a voicemail.
Why can't Obama dance? Cause he has two leftist feet.
If you've ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you're in luck today.
I play Jenga on the first date... so she knows my pull out games strong
Some idiot just told an elevator joke ON an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
Worst thing about smoking marijuana nightly is the strong desire to also smoke it morningly, lunchly, afternoonly and allthetimely.
What language do pigs speak? Depends on which country they're from.
When I find myself saying something stupid, I finish by saying "in this economy" because that resonates with people in this economy.
The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut
What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both go to Uranus to wipe out the Klingons. [old classic]
Are they REALLY going to let GAYS play sports?!? What's next? EQUALITY? WOMEN VOTERS? WILL THIS EVER END? #romney2012
Opinions are like assholes... sometimes you need a second asshole
What did the blind man say when he was asked what he thought about the renovation plan of his house? I don't know.. I just don't see it.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker and a hooker with diarrhea? One shucks between fits, and the other fucks between shits.
HUH? Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch? He found out it was a 'rough toad to hoe.'
I once took out the trash for four straight months Then we broke up.
If you find me dead after tweeting & driving, please hit SEND to get that final thought out there
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it's to be less of a nerd.
What do you call a blind Australian Crocodile? Q: What do you call a blind Australian Crocodile? A: Crocodile Dunsee
What's a ghost's favorite data type? BOO-lean!
I like my women like I like my whiskey. Aged 14 years and mixed up in a little coke.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: This isn't working, I'm going to my mums house. I opened the fridge door and the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
I kept telling a pun to the passersby during a marathon It was a running joke.
Ellen Pao's husband
Rick Astley's movie collection... You can ask to borrow any movie from Rick Astley except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.
My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn that's a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst.
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? A: They are both substitute meats.
Open Relationship My girlfriend and I have been in an open relationship for about a month now. She is still yet to find out.. On the plus side, her mother and I have gotten much closer!
If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.
It's a shame there are no gay hobos Cause if there were they'd be fucking bums Jimmy Carr's joke, JS
Guys, this may all be some sort of marketing ploy, but if the email I just received is accurate then local singles want to fuck.
My client's (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I'm obviously doing my job right.
I've assembled a list of all the jokes feminists find funny:
RT if you love puppies, rainbows or beating the shit out of strangers for not saying "Thank You", after you've held the door for them.
For a guy that could change water into wine, I'm surprised Jesus only got hammered once.
What did one orphan say to the other? "Robin, get in the batmobile."
What is the first sign of spring? Two rednecks carrying a heater into the pawn shop.
How is a fish like a bicycle? Neither one knows how to whistle!
What is a gay boxer's favorite drink? Fruity punch
Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.. Ha, ha fooled you, I'm a submarine.
What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus  ? A cow that can milk itself !
What did Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both had curds in their whey.
What do you call it when you fuck a teenager with a bottle of hot sauce? Srirachatory rape.
Iron Man: I'll hack into their security. Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR! Thor: I'll silence their guards. Captain America: What's a microwave?
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
What do you get when you put a dinosaur and a bomb together? Dinomite!!!!! *budum tssst*
Whenever I see a big guy beating up a little guy I ALWAYS jump in to help cause there is NO WAY the little guy can take us  both.
My wife asked me to take out the trash. I said, "Why Should I? You cooked it!"
Saw a white guy putting daisies in masa. He was trying to make flower tortillas.
I heard my roommate jacking off once It wouldn't have been so awkward if he hadn't been standing right behind me.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
What do you call a mentally challenged Jew? Auschwistic
Why doesn't the U.S. government allow students to visit North Korea? They become victims of youth-in-asia!
I could tell a joke... but I'm not funny. Sorry. Please don't kill me.
When do you care for a man's company? "When he owns it."
The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"
Two penguins are chilling in Antarctica. One turns to the other and says, "Yo, it's really fucking cold." The other quickly looks at the penguin and exclaims, "Oh my god! You can talk!"
What's the most common blood type in Canada? Eh.
Me: I want to buy this chicken Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him? *imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy* Me: Yes
The only Foursquare location I'd be interested in reading you tweet from is the cave of Bin Laden.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn't what I thought it was
Pregnancy tests should have three results: Pregnant, Not Pregnant, and Reality Show.
Why is post college life so easy for Lannisters? Because a Lannister always pays his debts.
Did you hear about the farmer's boy who hated  the country ? He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine boy and so the farmer made hay while the sun shone !
What happened to the guy who cooled himself to -273.15 C? He was 0K.
What's the difference between a girl that's praying and a girl that's having a bubble bath? One has hope in her soul, The other has soap in her hole.
A blind man walks into a bar... and he falls down and asks for help.
What's black, white, and red all over? A dying nun.
Ordered a pumpkin spice latte this morning and now I have bangs and work at Anthropologie.
Who's the world's greatest underwater spy? Pond. James Pond.
Why do lawyers like women with large tits and tight pussies? Because they have big mouths and little dicks.
Your an idiot. -You're. What? -You're not your. But I said it. I didn't type it. We're talking. -Yeah but I heard the typo. You're an idiot.
What do a priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind.
Why was the lizard's wife unsatisfied? Her hubby had a reptile dysfunction.
Snack mixes are great because I only want to enjoy 40 percent of what I eat.
Why did the surgeon refuse to dress for work? He didn't want no scrubs
Are you a psychic porn star? Because you're blowing my mind
What's more illegal than marijuana? My Mexican neighbor
My wife thinks I am a pedophile... but what the hell does she know..shes only 12!!
I was going to tell a joke in chemistry class today but I couldn't think of one. All the good chemistry jokes argon.
If you could create a pill, what would it be for and what would the side effects be?
"My mum hung a picture of me when I was 5 on the wall." "Months? Years?" "No, seconds."
[Police sketch artist job interview] "How am I not qualified?" Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"
Why are black people so good at basketball? Cause all they know to do is steal, run, and shoot
I don't get why it's called a super moon It doesn't even have a cape
What did the CN tower say to the clouds??? Only the tip baby, I promise!
Captain: You're suspended. Turn in ur badge and gun. [he does, but immediately grows a new badge and gun] Godammit, u were born to be a cop.
How do you make a Snowman smile? Tell him the snowblower is coming.
What does a member of the British Royal Family say when they are reaching climax? "I"m arriving, I'm arriving."
[Interview] "Describe yourself in one word." Me: Lethargic.
What does C3PO stand for? Because he's got rusty knees.
OK then - how 'bout this Roof joke? What's the new term for "almost completely racist"? 180 Roof
Did you know? If you laid out all of your veins and arteries... ...you would die.
What's brown, and ryhmes with Snoop? Dr. Dre......
Beth on Facebook "Can't believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Happy April Fools Day! April Fools it's March 31st.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
My girlfriend is always such a sourpuss. Maybe I should stop using lemon flavored condoms.
Why are campers so predictable? You know they're in tents.
How many ears does Mr. Spock have? Three; a left ear, a right ear and the final front ear.
Several men were arrested when attempting to smuggle food additives into Cuba They were dubbed the Pirates of the Carrageenan.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
BRAIN: it's 4am u up? ME: leave me alone B: who was our grade 5 teacher? M: stop B: why's our eye itchy? M: I'm ignoring u B: engage bladder
I wanted to ride my bike, But it was two tired.
Reddit servers... Sorry if repost
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
My sex life is like a penguin, I don't have a penguin.
Why was the computer tired when it got home? It had a hard drive.
Skinny If fat people have more skin shouldn't they really be the 'skinny' ones?
Best Husband A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
I heard someone talking about all the potential health benefits of doing yoga, but I think it's a bit of a stretch.
What's A Pirate's Favorite thing too do? Hook up
A helicopter I know was really frustrated after trying to grow his facial hair out His beard was Apache one
God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
People who drive very slowly cause me cognitive dissonance. They deserve to die, but appear less likely to do so...
What's the difference between a joke and a religion? Jokes are rarely offered as an excuse for civilised people to kill other people.
[offensive] What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country
It's crazy they couldn't shut bob marleys coffin when he died It kept jammin
Leather armor is best for sneaking Because it's literally made of hide.
Which administrative ghost is responsible for auditing all of the incoming/outgoing hauntings? The boo-keeper.
What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons? Jose and Hose "B."
How stupid of the elevator manufacturers they have buttons for the floor I am already on *I will show myself out now
Bath in Milk Why do you take baths in milk? I can not find a cow tall enough for a shower.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I'm part of their web of lies now too.
When I die I want to go quietly, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and freaked out, like his passengers were.
Musing I've had: If a person has sex with sheep, do they need to wear a condomn?
What do radical feminists and Game of Thrones have in common? All men must die.
Why did jay z cross the road? Because mr mantis ate my skunk food.
In honor of Cinco De Mayo - Why do Mexicans cross the border two at a time? Because the signs say "No Trespassing".
What did the fisher say to the fishkin? Catch you later
[being strapped to a medieval torture table] "tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack"
fill in the blank 1.) "There once was a man from nan-tuck it, His balls were as big as a bucket" 2.) "What is the difference between a whore and a boxer"
My wife hates it when i go down on her But my girlfriend loves it
Jared ended his career the same way he started it... Trying to get into smaller pants.
What did the little ghost give his mom for  Mother's Day? A booquet of flowers.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy GODZILA: i cant, im on a...low-car diet MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb GODZILA: ha ha HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Bill Cosby walks into a bar The rest is a blur!
My friend says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We'll just see about that...
Beached whale Today I got in trouble at work for throwing water on a lady... I just thought that's what your suppose to do for a beached whale
Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter? It had new windows Putin
A 22 year old girl said to me "there's NO WAY you are 41" I put her in my pocket and took her home. She's mine now.
Guy paying for condoms at Walgreens got asked if he needed a bag He said back to cashier, "Nah, her face ain't that bad."
No longer bothered by my puns ... she's groan immune.
My girlfriend said that if this get 1000 upvotes, we will try anal! Please don't upvote, her strap-on is huge!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor.
What did the silkworm comment on the message board? "This thread is shit."
GOVERNMENT VS. MAFIA Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia? A: One of them is organized.
I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society... It's the thought that cunts!
Why didn't the koala get a job? He didn't have enough koalifications!
To be fair, "old-fashioned" doesn't necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
What do you call someone who tops Darth Vader during sex? An Invader.
This just happened and it could be a joke... No. Really. I was swinging my fork around and got dumplings in my eyes. It wasn't that bad.
What did Sigmund Freud do for mother's day? His mom.
My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
A guy walks up to a girl in Starbucks Hey girl, how would you like to be my skinny vanilla latte? go light on the cream though, that's for later.
To the Critics whom reviewed The Interview poorly because they are afraid of arrival the North Korean overlords take over of U.S.A because of film, I have one word for you: Traitors
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Hitler? Hitler had a plan.
What's a dick's favorite song? You're so vein.
I heard y'all don't like bird jokes This could get a little hawkward
Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house? He's snowed in.
What's long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to change it, and the other one to change it back again.
How many muslims does it take to climb a building? daesh many.
What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
Jared Leto's primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
You can lead a horse to water... but you cant force her to star in Sex in the City 3.
Blonde Joke Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button? Because blonde guys aren't smart either (Sorry if it's a repost.)
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Your vaginas PH is so messed up... That you orgasm acid rain.
Damn girl, are you an alarm clock? Because you were a good idea last night, but now I just want you to shut the fuck up.
Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps We're gonna have a canoe world order.
What's Canada's favorite board game? Sorry
My psychiatrist said I'm crazy. I told him, "I demand a second opinion!" He said, "Ok, you're ugly, too."
Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.
My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won't stand for any of that shit
When is the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30
My blind friend just tried LSD for the first time... There was more tripping than usual.
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex. Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
All I want to know is, what idiot named it a zipper...And not a penis flytrap?
[1hr before date] Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
How did Matthew McConaughey masturbate after breaking his left arm? All right all right all right.
If there were no food left what could people do? Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people could have their traffic jams.
CASHIER: what, no tip? ME: here's a tip: always wear a seat belt CASHIER: no, i meant money ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I was talking to my buddy Adam Lanza and I asked him if he'd wanna date my 25-year-old friend. He said, "Yeah! I love taking out twenty - five year olds!"
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
"WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?" Dunno. I'll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
My friend says she's doing good but she means well
I was raped by a group of mimes They did unspeakable things to me
What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves? Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money
Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
I'd only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine. WHADYA MEAN THEY DON'T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT'S THE POINT, THEN?
I dance like people wish they weren't watching.
I once knew a girl called Inertia.... ....but I could never get her going!
You know its been a long night... [NSFW] When you stick the razor in the hooker, and your dick in the coke
This Valentines Day I hope you got shot by Cupid and not a legless Olympic sprinter.
Why did the baby have such a poor time in the marathon? He was running a little behind
For valentine's day, I'm taking my wife to see "50 Shades". How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. But ladies, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you drink enough beer.
Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.
I wouldn't call it 'passive aggressive', but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Lone crow arrested... ... For attempted murder
Once you've seen one shopping centre... You've seen the mall.
Van Gogh: "Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today." Gauguin: "Pics, or it didn't happen." [van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Why is the media making such a big deal about the olympic swimmer's period? It's a perfectly normal female body function that, according to my wife, occurs 2-3 times per month.
What's the capital of Greece? About 10 dollars.
What animal's alphabet is just like ours? A Baby Ceel's
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my dick down your throat.
No matter how spicy your sex life is ... If he's a two-thymer; cumin in that ginger Rosemary, my sage advice ... would bay to leaf him.
Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk
I can wake up at random intervals, crying and hungry too, so fuck you babies.
Science flies you to the moon.
What do you call a teenage cheese cracker? Chee-zits I made this up. *bows* Thank you, thank you...thank you so much.
99 little bugs in the code... 99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather? ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Son dad joke Grandpa - you should try this. It's out of this world Son - sorry grandpa I don't like food from space. He's 8
Favorite joke as a kid. How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis.
*Playing a ouija board* "Identify yourself" I-T-S A M-E L-U-I-G-I "What the fu-" *Checks box* "Dammit mom, this is a Luigi board!"
Jokes about women aren't funny... Period.
cop: "can you point at which zebra it was" zebra: "ha good luck we all look the same" me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] "that one"
So a cannibal is walking through the jungle... And he passes his neighbor.
Q: What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moon mission? A: He Apollo-gized.
I absolutely love Sarah Palin Oh wait nevermind, I actually meant Parah Salin.
Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. "Rough rough".
How cute! Someone wrote "will you go to prom with me?" on my car. But they spelled it "I'm gonna kill you scumbag!". Ah, young love.
What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out if weed? Who's playing this Shit?
What do you call jokes that belong to everyone? /r/Jokes
* during an interview * Interviewer: "So how long were you employed in your last job?" Candidate: "I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills."
One day a skunk and an opossum go to church. They had to sit in their own pew.
What's a Scientologist's favourite piece of furniture in Rivendell? Elrond's cupboard.
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
I'm about to pound some meat. Sadly this is not a euphemism. Again. *sigh*
What's it called when you a kill a sapling? Arbortion
ho! ho! ho! why is Santas sack always full? Because he only comes once a year.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house.
Where does a Turkey live? A coup.
My tweets may contain typos because English is not my first language--my first language was baby talk, and babies are horrible writers.
[groaner] Have you guys seen Viking Wars? It stars Harrison Fjord.
What do you call a mentally retarded chef? A slow cooker
Anyone up for a Native American joke? Did you hear about the Indian that drank too much iced tea? He died in his tea pee.
Will glass coffins be popular in future? Remains to be seen.
Bernie Sanders is finally deciding to cut the BS He will now go by: Ernie Anders.
I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" was the wrong answer
Whats the most common day to get sick on? Achoosday
How do you find where a flea has bitten you ? Start from scratch !
If you reply with "sky" each time I ask what's up, I shall assume you're homeless.
Her: I'm running a little late. M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time. Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
What's the difference between justice and relevant ethnic groups in America? Justice isn't always black and white
Insult Joke P1: Why did the chicken cross the road? P2: Why? P1: To get to the little bitch's house. P1: Knock knock P1: Who's there? P2: The chicken
I'll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese "So you want a cheeseburger?" Yes but when you bring it to me say here's your salad
I only have eyes for you. We sold out of skin swaths & teeth a couple hours ago. Last few eyes are in that bucket. (50% off bruised ones.)
What's a specimen? Mama mia, it's an Italian astronaut!
What Did the Dog Say to the Chipmunk? Woof.
Ice cream van accidents are very rare... But unfortunately, they always result in the loss of hundreds and thousands.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.
In a progressively incestuous household... ...it's about upping the auntie
What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
I learned today of my friend's death: here's a joke he told me. What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
I got breast removal surgery... Sorry I had to get that of my chest
Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce  Smokey the Bear? A. Because every time she got hot he'd beat her with a shovel!
What do you call a Bronie in the military? A GIbronie!
Why do the Japs like Sony? Because they made the Playstasian
I didn't recognize you It's amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, "You look so gorgeous, I didn't recognize you."
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw!
Did you hear the amusement park was offering free bungee jumping? No strings attached!
[Pulled over] Sir do you know how fast you were going? MY DOG IS IN LABOR! Oh! In that case *scribbles* Here is a ticket for littering.
I went to a female Arab boxing match last night. It was pretty boring, all they threw were high jabs.
What do you call a tortoise in a shell suit? A tortoise.
Girl: How much is a soft drink ? Waitress: Fifty cents. Girl: How much is refill ? Waitress: The first is free. Girl: Well then I'll have a refill.
What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread? Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread? Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time? a rye-ot
Megaman is such a hard game! I've beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
"Excuse me, this coffee tastes like mud." Waiter- "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What were Jeffery Dahmer's last words when confronted about social awkwardness leading to his crimes? "If you can't eat them, boil them."
Shoutout to... Shoutout to my grandpa because that's the only way he can hear
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.
Hillary Clinton isn't a female. She's just an F she deleted the emale.
Working on my new book, "How to Get Through Life Without Reading."
What does the titanic and the canucks have in common? They both fail big time when they hit the ice..
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-three year olds? There's twenty of them
Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells? Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells for a bra? Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
I watched a horror movie about pogo sticks. Too many jump scares.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don't notice you walking up to them.
A man has an accident at the factory where he works... He calls his wife and says "Meet me at the hospital! I just cut off my finger!" Wife says "The whole finger?!?" He says "No, the one next to it"
Chuck Norris was banned from competing in the National Karate Championship. Everyone he competed with the year before ended up in the Special Olympics.
The scientist a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied "woof, woof, woof"
What is the worst city to be a cop in? Baltimore, I hear it's backbreaking work.
One word to overcomplicate clickbait. [Inception](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ywg0j/one_word_to_overcomplicate_clickbait/)
What do you call a religious dairy farmer? Cheesus Christ
I do this amazing trick where I can erase every restaurant from your memory. Ready? Ok, here goes... "Where should we go for dinner?"
Saw an old couple arguing at each other in public yesterday Apparently one of them is going to be president
What did Mozart and Beethoven do whilst in the grave? Decompose
Why did the agnostic receive a lighter sentence? He had no prior convictions.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
'Twas the night before Thanksgiving, and I'm out of breath I've been in the kitchen all day, cooking up meth.
Q: What's the best way to make pants last? A: Make the jacket first.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth. -thug life
I hear mushrooms are good for your social life. They'll make you a really fungi.
Your call is important to us, we'll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Q: What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick? A: Put it on my bill.
I got Arnold Schwarzenegger into Baroque music... He'll be Bach.
If I had a dollar for every person alive I wanted to kill... I might have let a few of them live.
I once had a large gay following. But then I ducked into an alley and lost him.
So, what's the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What's the spring rate? ~ me, bra shopping
Bad day? Just remember, there are folks that have their ex's name tattooed on their body. Merica.
What do you get when you cross a killerwhale and a cow? I don't know but don't try to milk it!
Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday! What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?
Why do black people only ever have nightmares? Because the last one to have a dream got shot.
My sister called in a panic to say she'd dropped my kid. I didn't even know she was pregnant.
Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don't you want to be a superhero? 5-year-old: I'll just be a bad guy.
We wouldn't really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None- they'd just beat the room for being black.
What's a composer's favourite childhood game? Haydn seek.
How long does it take for a white women to take a shit? 9 months
How do you blindfold an Asian? With dental floss.
Snow White and the Three Dwarfs met Goldilocks and the Seven Bears at a party last week They exchanged numbers
What does a Mexican cop say when he wishes you a Merry Christmas? Police Navidad.
I overheard my wife singing in the shower. "You should go on America's Got Talent," I told her. "I can't sing," she replied. I said, "Exactly."
How come Smokey the Bear doesn't have any kids? Because everytime his wife gets hot ,he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel. :-P
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer It's too bad Chuck Norris never cries
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter? Me: we met at a nickelback conc- Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What is Hillary Clinton's stance on Islamic State? That depends on what the definition of ISIS.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: we'll worry about him in an hour then
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is!
What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE
Transgender people are the key, to finally finding out... ... Which is worse, manflu or childbirth?
I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot
I can dig graves my entire life and nobody calls me a landscaper, but i suck one dick! And they call me gay for life!
Where do you put the Duke? In the duke box!
What did the metaphysicist say when he came out of the bathroom? shit just got real!
Fannee Doolee loves sleep, but she doesn't love bedtime. Why do you think that is? Because Fannee Doolee has crippling anxiety, and falling asleep reminds her of her inevitable death.
Don't think I won't spin around and French kiss you if you're standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but how do you get them in there?
Never date a philosophy major My last girlfriend was one and she spent most of her time trying to prove that I didn't exist
The Hitman A hitman walks out of a bar, and into the elevator of a nearby apartment building. He takes it to the floor that his next "victim" lives on. He was hired to kill a Reddito
Why can't two even numbers be together? The odds are against them.
One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people Then the grenade exploded
first date on the first date with girls we play jenga, show her my pull out game is strong.
Why did the skull win 1st place in the race? Because he ran ahead.
Why are rabbits never gold? How would you tell them apart from goldfish?
What did the pig call a manuscript? A shoat story.
Knock, knock Who's there? I eat map. I eat map, who? *Ewwwww.*
Who are some of the best readers in the world? World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!
My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken She had a cheeky nan dose
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My ten year-old daughter is learning Chinese characters in school, so she can pick out a really good lower-back tattoo when she gets older
Joe Biden marries two gay white house officials at his house. His wife isn't happy.
So prince is dead... Which means that half-way through the embalming process, he'll be a half-blood prince.
What's a cow's favourite love  song? When I fall in love it will be for heifer.
Why does Donald Trump take xanax? For hispanic attacks
What's a dyslexic stoner's favorite phone brand? HTC.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Tweeting angrily about issues does nothing. If you really want to make a difference, you have to get out there and sign an online petition.
How many gay guys can sit on a stool? Four, if you flip it upside down.
Samoa is in 2 time zones Some of those people are living in the past
I don't need a flashlight to find my way around in the dark. I have shins for that.
What's better than winning a gold medal in the quadriplegic (crippled) Olympics? Walking.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live
What did the calf say to the silo? "Is my fodder in there?"
My pants are also my iPhone grease wipes.
Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.
The problem with some people is that they're alive.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses "bae" all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There's no way they can know your lying.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
What is my favorite rhetorical question?
So I was out shopping for a Mothers Day gift for tommorow I bet that scared the shit out of you
I'd quit drinking if the lime wedge on my vodka soda wasn't the only thing keeping me from getting scurvy.
When playing The Telephone Game, I like to whisper to the next person, "I'm going to kill you," and then nod and smile encouragingly.
Son, you can't give me any shit about having to teach me phone or computer skills... ...after all, I taught you how to use a spoon. Props to my old man for that one.
How long do you need to put the turkey in the oven for? Mine was dead within 30 minutes (credit goes to my Grandma)
Mom: Joe time for your medicine. Joe: I'll run the bath then. Mom: Why? Joe: Because on the bottle it says "to be taken in water."
Made alphabet soup for a friend The next day he came to me holding his stomach. I asked him what was wrong. He said that the soup gave him a "vowel" movement!
Having trouble focusing because I watched a man use a key as a Q-tip on the subway today.
How many women does it take to screw a lightbulb? Only one, but with a perticular FETISH
I don't speak button, but if I could I'm pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, "Aaaaah! Help me!" right now.
Masturbation isn't illegal ...but I'm sure if it was, people would take the law into their own hands.
I like my coffee like I like my women... Fresh and white.
Did you know that Justin Bieber has a 12 inch cock? Yep. It's in his ass and belongs to Usher.
Your Momma is so fat... ... when she wears a Malcolm X jacket helicopters try to land on her back.
Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?
"Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?" why would- "It's because they're sold by weight-" Dan, NO "not by volume"
I'm 99% sure I have trust issues. Though I'm not sure I trust my math. Edit: I grammar well
If time is money are ATM's time machines?
Why is Charlie Sheen always seen smiling? Because he's so damn positive!
I won't be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I had to factory reset my phone.. I found Nickelback on it
Why did the lemon turn green? Because he had lime disease
Son: what will happen when I die? Me [lowers newspaper]: there'll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we'll turn your room into a gym
What do a cheap robot and a high class prostitute have in common They both stop working for you after you pee on them.
What do you call a Mexican that buys antiques in America? An American Spicker
the 10,000 hours rule is simpley not true i hav said "helo bird" to a bird for over 10,000 hours but i still cam't talk to birds
What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim? A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.
What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear
What does a priest and a christmas tree have in common? The balls are for decoration!!! :) &lt;3 Source:
How do you know when the hole you're digging is big enough? When the (w)hole job's done.
Why doesn't Achilles have any scars? His wounds always heel.
What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.
No sweetie, you can't have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that's not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
What criminal doesn't take baths? A dirty crook.
Did you know... Jesus created cross-fit. I guess you could say I really nailed that one.
Why did Marlin and Dory never date? Dory was played by Ellen Degeneres.
Did you hear about the pissed-off cartographer tasked with redrawing the map of Canada's largest territory? He was halving Nunavut.
iPhone 6: For people who don't mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
"I ~don't own~ a TV." *Binge-views 8 hours of Netflix in bed.*
Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the woman that make it hard.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony was alright, but the reception was fantastic!
Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like "DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?" and then Rachel shows up and says "I got off the meth."
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Woman: "All men want from us is sex." Man: "We like to eat too"
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb. Just 2 but makes you wonder how they got inside the bulb
Why does Dr.Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
The world is full of terrible people, but there's none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.
The thief who stole my calendar... Got 12 months.
Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke How do you calculate the escape route of a jew? Chimney Height * Strength of wind
Need a punchline. And.... Go! http://i.imgur.com/t57uK.jpg
I asked my dad the other day what he knew about anti-forensics He said he knew uncle forensics better
"911 what's your emergency?" "Yeah, I've got so many questions about bees." *sighs* "Please hold for the president."
Perfect example of good &amp; Bad luck Wind blows a girls skirts high (Good luck) At the same time dust falls into the boys eyes (Bad luck)
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's... right here?
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the moron's house. *knock knock* ^^Whose ^^there? *the chicken...*
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there He said he couldn't complain
Why should you never bring your Pokemon cards into the washroom with you? They might Pikachu.
what's a banana's favorite gymnastic event? The splits
My buddy David lost his id so now I just call him Dave.
Mother: How do you like your new teacher ? Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !
2 blondes are checking a car "Does the turn signal work?" "Yes! No. Yes! No. Yes!"
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
What do you call a green polo shirt? Collared greens
I was asked who my favorite X-Men character was.. Apparently Bruce Jenner was "inappropriate."
I had a girl come over last night She was a shy little thing and offered her honor to me. Being a gentleman, I honored her offer. And all night, it was honor and offer, honor and offer.
Q: What do you call a frog with no hind legs? A: Unhoppy!!
When you neutralize an acidic solution in a titration, what do you do? Drop the base.
My friend is a sex offender. He never abused anybody, people are just offended at the thought of having sex with him.
A. 34 Q. How many seconds can I watch a BRILLIANT, ADDICTIVE, SMART television show before checking the internet?
Save some a's for the rest of us, Aarons.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I'm not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don't like you.
What did the dog say when it sat on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!
What do you call a lesbian who drives a Chevy Astro full of penises? A Dick Van Dyke
When I started telling dad jokes like my father I knew I was full groan.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Why did Moby Dick join a heavy metal band? He could really whale.
What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts? Silicon Valley.
"Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart
A Guy Doing Push Ups 'One.. Two.. Three..' *A Girl Passes by..* Guy: "82.. 83.. 84.."
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
What do you call a prostitute with her hands up her own skirt? Self Employed
Sneaking up on me from behind while I'm doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
Did you hear about the psychic midget who is wanted by the FBI? She's a small medium at large.
How do you chip thin ice off a window? You bust a rime.
Did you hear about the guys who got lost at the music festival? They turned up
Some asshole just clogged my toilet
"No Kanye, it's called Coney Island." "Kanye Island." "Coney Island" "Kanye Island." "Co... ney." "Kan... ye."
If a meteorite hits a planet, what do you call the ones that miss? A meteor-WRONG!
If an elephant and a rhino have a baby, what do they make? Elephino! (Hell if I know)
Women are like helicopters... You know they work and you trust them, but if you make any effort to understand them whatsoever you'd be too terrified to go near them.
Hey girl, is your dad a plumber? Because I wanna shit in your mouth.
I just got arrested for using my iPhone It looks like I'm going to Face Time
Why was the track runner with low self-esteem able to complete the race even after being impaled by a stray javelin? He didn't know he had it in him.
I just love blind prostitutes.... I mean, you've gotta hand it to them.
I asked my aunt how much a couple is, she said two or three Maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well
So with the popularity of the recent centaur joke, I was going to make a joke about a half-man, half-goat. I decided against it... it wasn't very fauny anyway.
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"
what's the difference between Rosie O'Donnell and a stab wound? one is a fat and nasty unbearable gash,..... and the other is a fucking stab wound.
I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
What's so dark about blonde jokes? They still haven't figured out how to screw in the lightbulb
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger "I'm mad at some online person I've never met" then let them punch you
what am I? I'm owned by every man, though my length differs. Their wives use me after getting married Last Name
A guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.
Did you hear about that new movie "Constipation?!" It still hasn't come out!
Why are men sexier than women? Because you can't spell sexy without XY
Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave? He had to go to the Bat Room. [an old classic]
How are pirates like pimps? They both have gold teeth and say "yo ho!"
When I think of you, I touch myself. With my finger. In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.
What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one! 
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he's talking about my wallet.
what do you call female-to-male sexual reassignment surgery? an addadicktomy
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Why are americans bad at DotA ? Because they cant defend their towers.
How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine? By how fast it sinks.
What kind of an erection does a necrophiliac get? Mourning wood! :)
If you're not into barrier reefs you will HATE the Great Barrier Reef
Why are there so many more men in the military? Because ladies go in first.
What's Pac-Man's favourite holiday destination? [Wagga Wagga](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wagga_Wagga)
My psychiatrist said my exhibitionist disorder was incurable. I'll show her.
I used to think Paul Walker was Gay Turns out he's flamming
I bought a new book today called X-ray vision for beginners.' I'm having a look through it now.
My neighbor's burglar alarm goes off so often that people just ignore it. On the upside, their new plasma TV looks great in my living room.
My daughter wrote, "I will see you every day of our lives," on my Mother's Day card, so I guess we've resorted to threats now.
Why do Canadians love Syrian Refugees? more moslem guys who can convert canadian girls to islam. What a deal!
"Can I have a pound of onions please." "Sorry sir, it's kilos these days." "oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please."
I was tasked with ordering coffee supplies for the office... I sent an email to all the staff asking if they wanted flavored creamers or regular creamers. Their answers were half-and-half.
if you can't handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
How do you spell "apathy"? I don't care.
Tragic: In the world every 60 seconds... ...One minute passes.
Did you hear about the movie "Constipated" ??? I heard it hasn't come out yet
It's funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you're hot. -everyone on Twitter
Saw a group of ants carrying a Funyun and it made me wish my friends and I had a giant Funyun.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Did you hear about a reddit user creating a new website? He wanted the name to remind him of the time when 4chan users went to 8chan. So in light of the circumstances he named it regreddit.com
When the gay guy died, why did they bury him face down? So his buddies could come by and have a cold one with him.
An Interview Chunnu : How was your interview? Munnu : It went good, but lastly they asked me show them my testimonial. Chunnu : So? Munnu : I think I showed them the wrong thing.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
What's the best way to cross the border? In the trunk of a car.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend: Ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha no
I hate it when you gain 10 pounds for a role... And then remember that you're not an actor.
when a skinny man goes diving what do you call it? skinny dipping
What does Christopher Nolan call a movie with a baby within a baby within a baby . . . Conception.
Which end of a bus is it best to get  off? It doesn't matter. Both ends stop.
Why did Star Wars come out 4,5,6,1,2,3? Because in charge of sequence, yoda was.
Breaking News: Siamese twins sign for Man United.
Do you know about the constantly airborne bird species native to Holland? It Netherlands.
Donald Trump can prove he's not a misogynist by banning "Just For Men" And Make America Gray Again.
I think my cockney friend is obsessed with the desert. I asked him what he thought of my mixtape and he said, "Sand's great."
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Girl you like is taken on Valentines Day? Just because there's a goalkeeper... It doesn't mean you can't score.
Kenya? Yukon.
We don't have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country's been through too much already.
Clearly, who ever said "more than a hand full is a waste" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full.
What do you do with a sick boat? Take it to the docktor!
Why did the hipster wear a sweatshirt on the sweltering summer day? She wears sweatshirts before it is cool! (Cue rim shot)
What kind of name for a storm is "Debby?" Hurricanes should have names like "Satan" No one should have their house destroyed by "Heather."
My mute friend told me a funny joke.
My tweets don't get the attention they used to. I've seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.
How do furries have sex? Fur-nication!
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.
Why people who work with computers have a lot of spare time
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... ...she seemed surprised.
What do you call a blonde that dyed her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count? If she has to chew before she swallows.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
What would she do for $20? Wasn't there a joke before posted about asking what a girl would do for $20 or something? A dirty joke? I'm trying to find it but I can't....
What are three words you don't want to hear during sex? Honey, I'm home!
Goldsmiths, what is your profession? Au, Au, Au.
Neverland Ranch Why did Michael Jackson build Neverland Ranch? He was fucking immature.
Why was the football stadium so cold? Because of all the fans.
Why does Jared love 6-inch subs? He doesn't, he likes 14-year old girls
Star Wars really beat me in movies.. Rogue One, Me Zero.
Who drives away all of his customers? A taxicab driver.
This is the rare tweet that history will look back on much more favorably than how it was received in its own time period.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
What is the TSA's favorite movie? Inspection.
Teachers call me a fish because I'm below C level
That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.
What does school and the male reproductive organ have in common? Most of the time it's hard and long - unless you're Asian.
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothing.
Why are wires addicted to electricity? They can't resist.
Have you heard the one about the deaf guy? No, neither has he.
A group of crows framed my friend, ultimately leading to his death I swear I'll find the murder who criminalized him!
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Could you please tell me what a slightly better alternative to a pokeball is? That'd be great.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
What do you call children who are afraid of Santa ? They are Clausaphobic
I'd tell you a joke about fellatio, but it sucks.
what's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean!
I went to a zoo, but all they had was one sad-looking dog. It was a shih tzu.
Y'all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I made a false deity out of bubble wrap today I call Him Pop Idol
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but... the new guy screwed everything up
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.
I don't do hard liquor... ...I liquor hard
Dear Reddit, what your least favorite punchlines? Whoops, wrong sub
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday 'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
What do you call a smiling Roman with a hair in his teeth? Gladiator.
A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."
Another Twilight movie? God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted 5 guys for lunch. She told me she's never tried 5 guys, but she's done 4.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce? Chicken sees-a-salad
Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade. Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.
What has 8 legs and makes a woman scream? Gang rape
What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty? "Are you my mother?"
What starts with an 'M', ends with 'arriage', and recently made me the happiest man alive? Miscarriage
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day... teach a man to fish and you create a market for bait and tackle.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Smells like carrots.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet.
I told my cheating girlfriend I was studying to become a magician And for my first act, I was disappearing out of her life.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup? Because one more would be too farty
You're IQ's lower than your shoe size.
How do you get 100 babies into a phone booth? with a blender. how do you get them out? with a straw.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I like my sex like I like my tree forts No girls allowed
"Its a boy", he shouted. "It's a BOY! I still can't believe it! Tears rolling down his eyes, swearing never to come back to Thailand again.
Why is a hurricane called a hurricane? If it were predictable, it'd be called a himmicane
What is the difference between a washing machine and a girl? A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.
"FINISH HIM," I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Text from mom: How's my baby girl? Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much
Do crazy shit. You'll learn from it, be a better person & have bad ass stories to tweet about. The latter is the most important of course.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I have a step stool... I never knew my real stool.
Reddit, hit me with your best Black Jokes I WANT ALL THE BEST JOKES YOU GUYS HAVE! Make me happy..
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What do you call a window that can rap? Two Panes
What do you call a lobster dressed up as Santa? Santa Claws
Child twister: "I can't tear up that farmhouse, Dad" Dad twister: "Come on son  we're Kansas tornadoes, not Kan'tsas tornadoesn'ts"
My friend was being attacked by a duck I tried to warn him but it only made things worse.
One time I ordered a diet coke but it didn't come on time. It said it had responsibilities in the Japanese government.
What happened when the icicle landed on the sowmman's head? It knocked him cold.
If you arrive fashionably late in crocs... You're just late
Did you hear about the two Jamaican Turtles at the RNC? They were just looking for Michelle Bachman.
You know you're a total loser when your controversial political post gets zero likes or comments on Facebook.
A German man walks into a bar.. He stops midway, locks eyes with the bartender and announces: "This is a scheduled stop."
Why isn't there any knock knock jokes about the United States? Because freedom doesn't knock. It rings.
What did the doctors office say to the hurricane? Sorry, we don't take any Joaquins
(DARK) Why do mathematicians love Hitler? He had the Final Solution.
Define Irony: The opposite of wrinkly
What did the slut's left leg say to her right leg? Nothing. They've never met.
This morning I was wondering why the sun wasn't rising... And then it dawned on me
What is a horse being when it says mean thinga It's being neigh-gitive! Edit: Awesome. Screwed up the title
Harambe walks into a bar Bartender: What will you be drinking? Harambe: I'll have a beer Me: No, he'll have just ice Bartender: Just ice? Me: Yes. Justice for Harambe.
Lazy Dad I was shopping in Tesco with my Daughter earlier &amp; she turned around and said "Your such a lazy bastard dad" I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley!
What vegetable needs a plumber? A leek.
Do you want to hear a joke? Women's rights.
8 friends share a pizza. Why did one friend not get any? He didn't get his fair share: one over eight.
Growing up, my parents nicknamed by penis 'Eamonn' I never managed to get all my pee in the bowl.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Why did the pregnant girl struggle so much with grammar? She had no periods!
A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!" "Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!" "I don't care, just get out!"
How was copper wire invented??? 2 jews fighting over a penny
When I m on a date... When I m on a date, I like to tell the girl that "I m aviable for a limited time only" In hopes that her shopping instincts will kick in.
How did robbers gain entry to steal from Miley Cyrus? They came in like a wrecking ball.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride. So get off your high horse.
My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children's Tylenol.
Q: Whats the difference between purple and pink? A: The grip.
How many republicans does it take to fix a problem? No one knows. It's never happened.
What is Fortunato's one weakness? Cryptonight.
Why do men like football? Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.
My new book about doing your own hair color is a total flop. I haven't sold one copy of A Guide to Dying Alone
A joke about Batman my 4yo. brother came up with Knock, knock Who's there? Batman Batman who? Bruce Wayne!
How much is the bare minimum? 1 bear.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
If my iPod doesn't work in the next few minutes, I'm throwing it in the river. It can either sync or swim.
DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.
If 2 people having sex..... If 2 people having sex is called a twosome, and 3 people having sex is called a threesome, then I can see why they call you handsome.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like- ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS SE: -on your sub? ME: PUPPERONI
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Has anybody told raccoons about crosswalks?
What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal? Darth Vader.
A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stall... and says "make me one with everything".
Everyone's always talking about our forefathers... I'm pretty sure there were more than that.
Prostitutes are like cigarettes. As a kid, you think you're never gonna try it. When you start getting older, you think, "why not just once?". Soon enough, you're addicted. And broke.
What happens when a T-rex gets strep? His throat becomes saurus.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He's not gay anymore. HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Sometimes when I go to a buffet... I tip myself.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about? Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
People who tweet a lot of motivational stuff on here are the same people who reminded the teacher she forgot to give out homework.
TIL that in 1991 Woody Allen and Rick Moranis had plans to make a film together... Honey I Fucked The Kids
How do you remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.
What did the CPU say to the RAM? Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, "life" is too short.
Know how being wanted feels like? Just imagine how oil fields like
What was Hitler's favourite beer? Pure blonde
DRUGSTEP: christian parents worried about teenage son "have you been smoking dubstep?" "mom what??" "DON'T LIE TO ME WHERE'S THE SKRILLEX"
I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!
what does clark kent have for breakfast? alter-eggos
Fogged up my monocle while eating a soft-boiled egg. Had quite a chuckle. I imagine I won't forget it anytime soon.
I think most people in California replaced being polite with putting avocado in everything they eat.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Padre: What is your sin, my child? Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Can anyone please post some good accountant jokes? Meeting with one tomorrow. Thanks
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke hadn't been invented yet.
A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck.. ..A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck. Platypus ate food. Duck billed platypus
I'll never forget the first time Mum made some rock cakes. She passed then round and told me to take my pick. I didn't need a pick, I needed a hammer and chisel.
Blind snipers have no idea what they're missing.
How many isolationists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they prefer to live in the dark.
My wife kicked me in the balls today... She always goes for the low-hanging fruit.
A drunk is brought to court... The judge says "you've been brought here for drinking" to which the drunk replies "when can we start!"
I couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt But then it clicked.
What's worse than a plastic bag filled with dead babies? Nickelback
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades. And then all your friends feel bad, because they kept yelling "Stroke!"
I took off my bra and chips fell out. Plot twist I haven't been eating chips
With terrorists in Iran, Turkey helping fund ISIS, and Greece in economic shambles I must ask. If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear do you think Greece would help?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Tennessee.
The sandwich I ate for lunch reminded me of my dad.. gone.
What did the manager say to his new Chinese intern? How, are you?
What did the carpet say to the floor? Don't move -- I've got you covered.
*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed." Doc:" Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now."
My wife is such an air-head I told her not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other.
how is an antivirus similar to porn? You don't have to pay for it.
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken... The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
Woman finds out her husband is gay Wife: YOU'RE GAY?! WTF. I'm going out! Husband: Where are you going?! Wife: I'm going to find a real man! Husband: Well, don't forget to get me one too!
In honor of Nelson Mandela Day Someone opened up a tire shop down the road from where I live and named it after the late Nelson Mandela. They named it "Mandela's Apartires R Us"
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...ground up and in the freezer
I prefer regular taxis to Uber in NYC cause the driver and I can both treat each other like shit without worrying about getting a bad grade
The Purge... My brother said he would be able to survive "The Purge" if it were real. I put a few laxatives in his coffee we'll see about that...
My friend has Tourettes. He doesn't have a bank account. He has a swear jar.
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."
I heard a member of Kriss Kross died of a drug overdose. I guess Kriss Kross made him want a BUMP, BUMP! Too soon?
For gamers of a certain age Why did Rodney Dangerfield always make such unbalanced RPG characters? He never got no respec. *edited to make grammar worse
My girlfriend bought me a bowling ball the other day. She thought i wouldn't like it but, It was right up my alley!
New study finds that everyone you disagree with is like so, so stupid.
I wanted to major in reverse psychology. My dream school turned me down. So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change* Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you. Me: Really? *holds on to change*
If theres one thing ive learnt in the past dating magnets It's that they're very attractive
Why does it smell so bad in Russia? Everybody loves Putin!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
What did one mexican say to the other mexican when there were no room in the van? Yo no space.
What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already? Mistress: Are you done yet? Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...
Hey thieves, ya know what's easier than avoiding rape in prison? A job.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Two guys walk into a bar the third one ducks
Ebola walks into a bar.... ....and all of West Africa
What every man wants to hear after sex:
A man asks his dog, "Can you speak English?" The dog replies, "Por supuesto que puedo hombre no tonta, soy un perro!"
what do you call 2 gay overweight physicists touching tips? A large Hardon collider
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
It's a dangerous world out there. Two peanuts are walking down the street, one was assaulted, the other was shelled.
What's a good Mexican joke?
What kind of pig do sows dislike? Male Chauvinist Pigs.
What do gay horses eat? Horse dick
What do you call spaghetti made by Jamaican? Rasta Pasta.
Every time Larry picked up his colleagues in NJ and drove them to NYC, his wrists started hurting. He was diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome.
Trophy Wife Any wife can be a trophy wife... ... if you take her to a taxidermist.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.
Two tomatoes cross the road and one of them gets hit by a car. The other one looks back and yells "C'mon, ketchup!"
Question: What's the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender? Answer: There's always a 50/50 chance the blender isn't on
I don't know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.
Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.
A programmer goes on a walk XD
If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked for money, I'd still say no. - Bo Burnham.
What kind of chicken is circumcised and suffers from E.D.? A boneless, skinless chicken!
Juicy J What did Juicy J say when he cummed all over his legs? Jizz on mah feet, yeah, Jizz on mah feet..
back in my day, we had to print out a tweet and hand it to a friend for a retweet. you kids got it easy "shut the fuck up grandma"
I dreamt I was making a salad. I was tossing all night.
Amazing how in the last 30 years, the United States has completely transitioned from an industrial powerhouse to a brunch-based economy.
Why do dwarf's laugh while playing football? Because the grass tickles their balls.
My cat must hate his litter box He just shits all over it
What's the difference between a bmw driver and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire. So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
RIP is the LOL of dying...
A rap song where I'm just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with "treats" so he stays interested.
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
My dad told me most huge mistakes take only 5 seconds to occur And there I was 9 months later
I hate it when employees ask to go home sick Diarrhea is a really shitty excuse. And vomiting is always a toss up.
A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks "why the long face?" The horse unable to understand human speech promptly takes a dump on the floor and leaves
a 3 year old is a lot like bill cosby When you Wake up from a nap and they're naked, doing a bunch of shit you dont like
The FAA can register my drone... ...when they pry it from my neighbour's cold dead head.
Helium walks into a bar... and the barman says 'sorry we don't serve noble gasses in here'. However Helium doesn't react.
"Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States
I always say "goodbye" to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Diarrhea runs in your genes.
Before Facebook, you had to "like" things with your feelings.
I sent ten puns into a contest to see if one could win. No pun in ten did.
So, 50 Cent is accepting Bitcoin for his new album. Which is all well and good, but if he really wanted to court the cryptocurrency community, he should change his stage name to 0.0007745 .
She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.
Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
What did the cannibal who was late to the dinner party get? The left-ovaries.
Me: "I'd like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please." Man: "That isn't how a food bank works, sir."
INSTANT KARMA, Get in on the front page gold rush; "are jokes" reddit is a faggot... ...2Bcunt in you'ld (you would love it) (to (too) be continued))...
Avoid sexist comments... Chicks hate that.
So i was fucking this midget with one arm (nsfw) Boy, is my arm tired.
Did you hear about the guy who won the Nobel for inventing time travel to the future? He was ahead of his time.
Want a slutty costume? Dress up as my professors, they barely cover up anything important.
Earth: "You're causing tidal waves!" Moon: "So?" Earth: "I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation!" Moon: "Very funny."
Why did the rooster cross the road? To show he wasn't a chicken.
Which 2 Birthdays go by the quickest? the twenty second ones and the thirty second ones
A suicide bomber tripped outside a news kiosk He's all over the front pages.
What do priests and Christmas trees have in common? Their baubles are just for decoration.
Did you hear about the man who fell into a lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
A football player... A football player was convicted of a crime and sent to prison for several years. He went in as a tight end and left as a wide receiver.
What do horses drink at the bar? Chardon-neigh
I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again
You wanna read a joke about Sodium? Na . . . What about Nitrosoxide NO . . . Umm... Potassium? K..
Chelsea FC captain had a night to forget, his performance was Terryble
What do you call a cheap vasectomy? A rip off.
snow ice or cold puns I wanted to see everybody's best ice snow or cold puns,
How can i convince my Buddhist friend that he owes me money from 3 lifetimes ago?
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree* Okay, now give that back to mommy and don't touch another one, okay?
So two muffins are in an oven... One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy! It is getting hot in here!" The other muffin replies, "WE ARE GOING TO DIE IN HERE AND NO ONE WILL HEAR US SCREAM"
You're never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.
I just came back from my trip to the Virgin Islands... Now they just call them Islands.
Why was the women unable to leave the boutique? She couldn't find the Dior
Where does a fish keep his life savings? In a riverbank :D
My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal. I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job.
I would like an Instagram feed of the piles of shit people push out of the way to get the perfect shots in their homes.
I'd be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Why didn't the rest of the fractions like "mc" very much? Because he was generally known to be a square(ed).
What's the best thing about a poet in a prison? Oh you know, it has its prose and cons. Badum Tish. Be gentle, first time here.
I like jokes. Today Good joke is I am a Joke .
What's the difference between Jesus and picture of Jesus ? It takes only one nail to hold the picture up
What is Forest Gump's password? 1forest1
What are baby witches called?  Halloweenies.
My dad turns 60 today. Only 9 more years until I can make the kind of jokes that'll show him what a shining beacon of disappointment I am.
My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
Why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic? He wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere.
Top ten Instagrams are of young women http://dadaviz.com/i/3971 *exclusions apply
How did you come up with your reddit username? I made mine when I stopped giving a shit
Jay-Z's wife took him and their kid to the ocean for a day trip It was a Bey, Bey's bae, &amp; baby bay day.
You know why I don't have a spine? The French needed it.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn't named her baby is because she doesn't know she's supposed to.
I was craving some Indian food yesterday... ...So I went and got subway.
I'm glad I found out it's illegal to destroy US currency. I was about to feed $50 bills through a shredder.
What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot? Normal
What's the worst part about meeting someone with Parkinson's? Shaking hands.
Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won't stand for it
A woman behind me got run over today. She was following me on twitter.
My girlfriend just broke up with me, mainly because of my extreme Burger King addiction. So I said to her "Fine, have it your way."
Usain Bolt and I have a lot in common I can run for less than 10 seconds and enjoy smoking Degrasse
Why was Aladdin disqualified from the Rio Olympics? He was on performance-enhancing rugs.
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant... ...But then I changed my mind
Why did the atoms cross the road? It was time to split.
There wad a 4 car pile up in Mexico today. . 93 people died.
Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you.
what did the atheist say to the agnostic Pussy
I'm not proud of this, but if the price is right, I'll buy your high school kid alcohol.
Have you heard the joke about the German sausage? It's the wurst...
How did Charlie Sheen get HIV? By injecting tiger blood
Anyone know the lyrics to "Around the world" by daft punk? I always forget..
It's not that people use only 10% of their brains, it's that only 10% of people use their brains.
Her: Something's changed in here. Me: I put a new bulb in. Her: Well it's not very bright Bulb: Okay wow I'm like right here.
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine? Nobody knows, but whatever it is, it knits its own sweaters.
Who was the last President of China? Yes he was.
Ways to win my heart: 1) Be cute 2) Be kind 3) Be cheesecake
What goes "clip-clop-clip-clop-bang?" An Amish drive by.
Jewish Mathematics.
RaidTM: For when you don't want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
What do you call a woman leaving an abortion clinic? Dead on the inside...
French Guns for sale! Never Fired, dropped only once.
What do you get when you put rootbeer in a square glass? Beer.
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief  for your birthday. Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
Jesus wasn't angry at the soldiers who crucifixed him He was just crossed.
My friends tell me I'm condescending Condescending is when you talk down to people
Signs your wife is cheating: 1. Weird cologne 2. Emotional distance 3. Late-night abences 4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Why do girls have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them *Peter Griffin* hehehehe
No man can hold me down. That's what women are for.
girl at restaurant: "Are you Tony Hawk?" me: "Yes." her: "Why?" I had no idea how to answer.
What type of jokes do Sikhs hate? Puns
What do you get if you mix a joke and a rhetorical question?
Awkward That awkward when you read "moment" even though it wasn't there.
How does Carrot Top have sex? Gingerly. *(Source: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson)*
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who's nutritionally responsible for two children.
Parkour is truly the sport that best represents what it would look like if god was running from the cops
Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.
What if lollipops moaned when you licked them?
I consider myself to be... a reflexive pronoun.
*wakes up in a cold sweat* Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I was asked a million dollar question today "Is that your car that just crashed into my lamborghini ??"
How did Jennifer Aniston find her fiancee? She looked very Theroux-ly.
What kind of whale flies? Pilot whales!
What do they call deepthroating in Asia? They don't have a word for it.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old So you have to be 21 years old to drink, and 8 to summon the devil
My arm is asleep. Let's draw mustaches on it.
My friend David lost his id last week Now we just call him Dav
I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon. On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.
What does an old lady's crotch taste like? Depends.
What's the difference between a Blonde and a person with a different colour of hair? The blonde sure doesn't know.
What moisturiser do bullfighters use? Olay.
A paralyzed man calls U-Haul... "Hey can you help me move?"
My girlfriend thinks I'm a pedophile.... Eh but what would she know, I mean she is only three.
1st Cannibal: I don't know what to make of my boyfriend these days. 2nd Cannibal: How about a hotpot ?
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
Pavlov walks into a bar. Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar. The bartender rings the bell for last drinks, and he thinks "shit - I forgot to feed the dog"
Thinking of cryogenically freezing myself until they can find a cure for unemployment.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore because she graduated from an online university.
How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
What do you call the sexual tension between Hillary and Bill Clinton? The Bern
I've been staring at this bench press for 3 days now and I feel exactly the same. This "Weight Watchers" shit is a hoax.
What do fishermen do at a their conferences? Network.
Excuse me, ma'am. Your car doesn't make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.
Why won't people let Hitler go to the Bar-BQ? He'll just burn the Frank's!
What did the suicide bombing instructor say to his students? "Pay attention. I'm only going to show this to you once."
What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAND-EEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE
How to get a woman: 1) find one who sells cars 2) take a test drive 3) just keep driving She's yours now, plus you have a new car.
Twitter goes over capacity more than Kirstie Alley's home elevator.
What does it taste like to go down on a little old lady? Depends
Since it started raining all my girlfriend has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'm thinking about letting her in.
Knock knock jokes Didn't go down well at the homeless shelter.
What do I and Ronda Rousey have in common? neither of us can last more than a minute :(
How do you get a one armed polack out of a tree? Wave hello
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Jimmy Eat World Jimmy Sorry Jimmy Not Know You Were Saving It Jimmy Pick Up Another One On The Way Home
How high is a stoner sailor? Sea Level.
Why did the recruiter hire a Spider ? Q: Why did the recruiter hire a Spider ? A: Because he wanted to hire a Strong "Web Developer".
What do you call a monk that cooks potatoes? A friar? A chip monk?
Do you know how the store Menards got its name? A pirate was kicked in the nuts and he went, "Arr! Me-nards!"
Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
What does a virgin eat for breakfast? Has it been that long (Depending on the audience, it may be important to complete with a comedic pause and) ... ... since breakfast?
Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears?  I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!
I place my finger on the police officer's lips. "Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you."
"Grammar: it's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit"
Where do cows go when they die? Burgertory
Found a note on my door today that said "You're Awesome!" (: I'm the one that wrote it. But still... feels fucking good!
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] "stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"
You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
The best thing about smartphones is that you don't have to refold maps anymore.
How do you make holy water? You just take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
This guy thinks I'm taking down his number, but I'm really just writing this tweet.
Ladies, are you having wine? Don't be shy. Let us know about it on all of your social media websites.
My God: dead. My world: disenchanted. My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I bet old hobbit ladies watched a lot of "Mordor, She Wrote."
Why Americans are so bad in geography? They are taking the geography lessons from their Canadian neighbors in the south.
TIFU by eating someone else's subway sandwich. Oops, wrong sub.
What do computers eat when they get hungry?  Chips.
HR said it's not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness
How many moderators does it take to change a lightbulb? [deleted]
Of course I can tweet, talk on the phone, eat a hamburger, and apply my lipstick. I'm only driving, you know.
9 out of 10 dentists will agree to anything you want them to for 100 bucks.
Why are there so many fish in the sea? They're always getting hooked up
Where does Khal Drogo keep his DVDs? In *Arakh* Yeah you'd probably only get this if you read ASOIF but the joke came to me randomly.
Short, but good nonetheless Every "yo mamma" joke has been done thousands of different times, by thousands of different people. Just like yo mamma.
Your girl may be jealous of the time you spend on your phone. To be fair, it has 4G and she only has one, and it's hard to find its signal
Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it the New Releases section.
I read a couple of interesting articles... "A" and "The"
i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass
What do you call a fat Irish family? The o'Beses.
she need some alone time ..:P My girl friend said she needed some "Alone time".. So I made her an Orkut account.. :P... tietiefiss.com
Someone just gave me a CD rack, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994
I forgot to go to the gym again today. That's like 8 years in a row now.
What does Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have in common? Jeffrey Epstein.
What do you call it when batman leaves religion Christian Bale
The best part of Pitbull is he yells out "MR WORLDWIDE!," at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station
A family walks into a hotel... The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
I don't get why lesbians are called dykes. People keep explaining to me, but the idea just doesn't hold water.
[1st date] *stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous 'u know ur eating a candle right?' yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that
i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we're growing up too fast "they're in there daring each other to eat dog food"
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
What did Charles Darwin name his book about food? *On the Origin of Feces*
My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral. I'm painting Switzerland.
Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock? Because it's a little meteor.
What do you call a muslim sitting on a plane? A passenger
North Korea has lowered its missile back down after pointing it up for a few hours. Turns out Viagra and MSG make for bad rocket fuel.
My wife likes to talk on the phone when she's having sex. The other day, she called me from a hotel.
Knock knock Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana ?
What did the hat say to the belt? You hang around I'll go on ahead
What do you get when you mate an elephant with a poodle? A poodle split in half.
You want to hear a paper pun? It's tearable.
Did you hear about the cross eyed  teacher? He couldn't control his pupils!
Had to fire my personal Trainer. He dint do squat.
What did the lonely lumberjack use to get laid? TINDERRRRR!!!!
What's another name for a clever duck ? A wise quacker !
My doctor recently told me that I had to stop masturbating. When I asked him why he said "Because I'm trying to examine you."
basically the first settlers were those people who go to a party & won't leave even though the indians were checking their watches & yawning
Q. "Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats?" A. "So that if the seat falls while they're drinking it won't smack them in the back of the head"
- Your Honor, I'd like to plead insanity. - On what grounds?! - I'm married. - I'll allow it.
Why do mice have such tiny balls? Because so few of them can dance!
You have orgasms all the time. Even if you don't have sex, I know you masturbate. You're a liar if you say you don't. Sexy
What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
The next time your boss asks you to start your presentation with a joke... ...attach your payslip on the first slide.
What if Rob Lowe robbed Lowes? Just imagine the crazy headlines. They'd probably say something like... "Rob Lowe Robs Lowes"
What's black and comes in little white cans? My favorite Michael Jackson joke.
We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.
I think we all know Lincoln Chaffee won the Democratic debate last night.
Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare.
Holmes said to his brother, "Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated." And Mycroft responded, "No shit, Sherlock?"
I got into a fight with my boner this morning: Don't worry, I beat it single handedly
Pretty sure that I could win any marathon in Kenya that is held on the exact same day as the Boston Marathon.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Doctor asked his patient... A doctor asked his patient: Do you speak when you're sleeping? -No, I speak when the others are sleeping. I'm a teacher.
I like my women like I like my cigars. Cuban, shipped in bulk and 7 years old.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion Edit: thanks for all the love, appreciated
Someone please tell my mother she won't get a free iPod by clicking the links. She's convinced I just don't want to show her how to use it.
What do (does?) Rihanna and Onion Rings have in common? They're both battered.
What do you get when you cross a Sith Lord, and a Donkey? Darth Mule! A joke, from third grade me... Happy Star Wars day!
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we're all white.
What kind of overalls does mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license? Because it means they *cantaloupe*
What do you call a Germany virgin? Good 'n' Tight
Mexican and black jokes are all the same Once you have heard Juan you have heard Jamal.
Did you know.. Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.
What's green and hairy and skies down a mountain a skiwi
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
If a white girl goes to starbucks and doesn't post a picture on instagram, did she really go to starbucks at all?
The best part about having a homeless girlfriend? After the date, you can just drop her off anywhere.
Why is Diarrhea hereditary? it runs in your genes.
I hate the alphabet so much... I'm thinking about burning an F or G.
Why couldn't Kim Kardashian see Caitlyn Jenner? Because she was trans-parent.
A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang... ....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.
Why did the 16 year old Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? You would think it's 'R' but it's really the 'C'.
Hippies. Had the pleasure to meet a couple of hippies today, and they hooted at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term was 'conjoined twins'.
Daddy, what do you think about abortion? Dad: ask your sister. But I don't have a..
Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: "Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."
Why are you all sweaty? I was watching cops
When I get naked in the bathroom... the shower gets turned on.
I think a lot of these women are just getting pregnant for the subway seats
I call all dogs 'puppies', regardless of age. They like it.
What do you do if you start seeing a little glowing green man Walk across the street
Friend 1 "hey dude what's your PSN name?" Friend 2 "did you just assume my platform!"
Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.
How many women with PMS does it take to screw-in a light bulb? Two. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . IT JUST DOES, OKAY?
My Wife accused me of being immature I told her to get out of my fort
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The Garlic Eater by I Malone
What do you call a cross dressed robot? Android-gynous
Wanna Hear a Joke? Women's Rights. (jk)
Why did the feminist refuse a back rub? Too massagynistic
Why did the football go to the bank? to get is quarterback.
Damn apple just donated a bunch of ipads to kids in africa The only app on it was ''Where's my water''
i don't always add and multiply, just sum times
What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear ? Whatever you want, he can't hear you..
Did you hear about the condom that flew across the bedroom? It was PISSED OFF!
Who steals from the poor and gives to the rich? Robbin' hood
My fake plant died Because I didn't pretend to water it.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word "bae" so teens stop thinking it's cool and it goes away forever.
Michael J. Fox's backup job plan. Become a Living vibrator.
Oscar Pistorius really wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
Gold fish don't like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.
I bought a fitbit... I haven't went running yet, but I jerked off for six miles today.
Hi yes, I'd like the cheeseburger "How would you like that cooked?" *gets right up in waitresses face* With frickin fire, obviously
I would tell a good chemistry joke right now But all of the good ones argon
There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea? "Get your shit together"
I fired my masseur today. He just rubbed me the wrong way.
I'm at an age where "getting lucky" only means I have the house to myself...
What does Kim Jong Un do when he's angry? [removed]
What do you call a slutty Bee A Whorenet
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... I wouldn't have to give so many blowjobs.
What's the difference between five dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
What do you call a retard covered in water? Flame retardant
It's weird to sit and not eat, right?
Original Yo Momma? (I think, please verify) Yo mommas so fat, shes being traded on the oil futures market!
I dream of the day when automatic paper towel dispensers finally realize the human hand isn't 3 inches long.
Local Drowning A hippie drowned at the local beach last night. When asked why the free spirit was unable to be save before his tragic death, a lifeguard commented "He was too far out, man."
What is the difference between Hitler and a car? A car can finish a race
My doctor said I need to eat more Taco Bell He actually said I was constipated, but I understood what he meant.
You're meeting identical triplets tonight. One's from the Army, one's a lifestyle Vegan, and one is a diehard Trump supporter. How do you tell them apart? Don't worry. They'll tell you.
If I have an addiction to masturbation And I suddenly develop it into an addiction to sex, does that mean my addiction is getting out of hand?
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium -old but good
Why were the Beakers all packed and moved out of the university lab? They were graduated
What is the most popular band in Japan? Fall Out Boy
Did you hear about the woman who became a prostitute because she was so scared of being homeless? She was *whore*-ified!
Europe be like... eu: uk bro? uk: it's not eu, it's me.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams? WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Hedgehogs Why can't they just share the hedge.
I want to tell you guys a small joke It's very puny!
I'll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won't be listening. Because...cupcake.
Marriage counsellor: What's the problem? Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad. MC: And how do you feel, Stephen? Me: With my hands.
He's very handsome, by which I mean he has some hands. The normal amount of hands. I'm not great at describing people with words.
I found a butterfly without wings... So I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned.
My parents are in town and said they'd be at my house in ten minutes, and I'm wondering if that's enough time to build a moat.
Did you hear they are combining the MENSA convention and the pride parade next year? Scientists predict a homogeneous mixture of attendees
Why are there no walmarts in Syria Because there's a target on every corner
Heard of the cannibal who had a shit taste in people? You could say he was surrounded by assholes.
You're in the middle of the ocean and you see Trump and Hillary drowning but you only have room in your boat to save one. Who do you save? America. Keep right on going and don't stop.
What deadly disease can bowls contract? Ebowla
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Chuck Norris Jokes http://chuck-norris-jokes.com/
An ex girlfriend of mine had a Cockatoo, that fucking thing would never shut up ... but her bird was cool.
Look girl, all I'm saying is , if I have to choose between you and chocolate milk Be prepared to cry
What do you call a group of thirsty Rabbi's with a tan? Orange Jews
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash.
One time, a cow saved my life It was bovine intervention.
What do you call Italian marijuana? A pizza joint
My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying "when i was your age.." and then describing what i did 3 days ago
What's in a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone, without dressing ...
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Hung
What do you get when you cross two thieves with a carpenter ... Good Friday!!!
How do you say "bra" in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Hey Kevin, why do you like fungi on your pizza? Cause I'm a vegetarian.
I asked a welsh man how many sexual partners he has had so he started counting, and fell asleep.
Boy and girl in class asked the teacher a question. "Can kids of our age have kids?" Teacher replied " NO Never!!" Boy said to girl : "See I told you not to worry!!!!"
How are getting popular in high school and getting a college woman pregnant similar? Step one: penetrate the student body.
I'm so proud of my son I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is. He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.
My friends and I were trying to decide which award winning drama TV show we should watch It came down to the wire.
Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers.
What do you call a space pub filled with white chicks? The Mos Eisley can't even.
What's a golf club's favorite type of music? Swing!
Ahhhh, Pawn Stars So, I walk into Rick Harrison pawn shop and I ask, "Can I have change for a dollar?" He responds,"I can only do 75."
Sex and oxygen are a lot a like It's really not that big of a deal unless you're not getting any.
There are two girls sitting at a bar, quietly.
Everyone is furious about Trump's greatest crime: Beating a woman
I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth... ...my basement door doesn't lock properly
How do you get a bass player off of your porch? You pay for your pizza.
How do frogs die ? They kermit suidide !
I bet Pocahontas' name was actually Hontas but everybody just knew her by her high school nickname.
Jessica Biel's dad's first name is Batmo.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn't become ponies by 2015. She was really dark.
You could kidnap my mom and she'd still ask if you've eaten.
Can all 16gb iPhone users send a screenshot of their storage page? No sorry I don't have enough storage to take a screenshot.
I just realized something about how I browse Reddit
I think that the best Christmas present is the one that you make yourself you know? Like, crystal meth.
I've never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Seize the day! *Sees the day, goes back to bed*
What did the hopeless romantic baker say to the dough? You're my life's devotion. I knead you!
April Showers bring May Flowers. What do May Flowers bring? Genocide.
I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year
If I fave ur tweet on a Friday night pls know I'm doing it from the party club, where I am partyclubbing with my [opens dictionary] friends
I'm not needy. I'm wanty.
What do you call camp for starving cats? Meow-schwitz.
What I lack in social skills, I make up for in hiding-from-people skills.
No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat  who knows everything.
Scottish Independence
What's the difference between a redneck couple, and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related.
BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn't you? ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea? BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?
I tried to tell my son the joke about the donkey eating corn. He said he didn't want to hear another corny ass joke out of me.
What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
I work at a restaurant and one of the chefs there is both dyslexic and epileptic. Ended up sending out a chicken seizure salad.
What's the difference between iFunny features and the gif subreddit? A week.
I was born during the great depression... My mothers.
When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I've never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
"Can I pet your dog?" "Sure, but he can be aggressive." [He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Cop: Know why I stopped you? Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT? *tosses donut out window* Cop: ... Me: Aren't you gonna go get- Cop: Get out.
I want to marry the smell of gasoline and have little gasoline smelling kids with it and spend the rest of my days smelling my family.
Really, auto correct, you don't recognize curse words? Grow the fuvk up.
It's only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
What's a pirates favorite letter?
"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?
911: What's your emergency? Me: I need several Ambuli stat! 911: Ambuli? Me: Yea plural for Ambulance 911: No its not Me: It should be
I slept with a pharmacist who could come in 10 seconds... Problem is, it took her 30 minutes to count to 10 (Made this up last night while waiting 30 minutes for 10 pills)
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator Only a fraction of you will get this
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Whats blue and slippery? A blue slipper
Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
Racial Humor NSFW As a white man, I may not get to say the N word, but at least I can say other phrases, like "Thanks for the warning officer!" Or "Hey dad!"
What's the pope's favorite power tool? A cathedrill
Son: what shall I go as to the Halloween party, mum? Mum: Hang your GCSE results around your neck and go as a fucking idiot, son.
How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,6,7,8
Why are they called Tuna Fish? Because they don't swim in pairs. Are there two of those fish? Nahhh.
[Courtroom] Judge: One more word & I'll hold you in contempt! Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My dad was cutting up onions and I started tearing up. Onions was a great dog. :'(
[Destiny] Where do Year 1 Guardians buy their clothes? Twilight Gap *badum tsss*
Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you, I've been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
"Bluetooth or crazy" - is a guessing game I play when I see someone talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong.
What do you call someone who talks to others in public restrooms? A urinarrator.
What does an aardvark get when he overeats? Ant-digestion!
I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going.
What kind of computer says "Hello"? A Dell
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? one's really heavy and the others a little lighter!
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix. Tomorrow I'm making my dreams come true.
When I see.... ...lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I bet you 80908429702979720947290472390749270 ... That you didn't read that number :)
What's the difference between a gun and a wife? You can silence a gun.
To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters.
A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass. "What in the world is this?" The bartender says, "Central Park."
How can you tell when there's an elephant in your sandwich? When it's too heavy to lift.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!!
Why do chicken coops have only two doors? If they had four doors they would be chicken sedans.
You know what sucks about being an agnostic dyslexic insomniac? You end up staying awake all night wondering if there is a dog
I fake all my origamis.
My two friends Rod and Kurt started a business the other day... You should look it up, it's called Kurt and Rod's Curtain Rods.
How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. 1 to do it, and 99 to stand around saying the old one was better.
Coolest part of a space ship is the RADiator.
What has 72 legs and 26 teeth? The first row of a country concert.
Why are Jewish people so smart? Because they have spent so much time concentrating.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
"I want you back in my arms..." - me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed
Why did the chicken cross the state line? He just had to get out of there because he heard that Kentucky fried chicken!
Did you hear about the skydiving company that stopped providing their own parachutes? Too much overhead.
Stormtroopers never miss. They're just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.
Psychic buys clothing Employee: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small Employee: You didn't even try it on Psychic: I'm a medium
Everybody had heard we were running out of space in the file cabinet, so they all rushed to get their documents put away. It was a self-fullfiling prophesy.
Today, I'm gonna dig up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten.
Not all fat people are jolly Some of them are women
Have you ever been caught masterbating in a closet? Them: No. You: It's a really good hiding spot isn't it.....
You know what happened when your mom went swimming? The Titanic sank
What type of pasta is no longer used in Canada? Penny ...
What do Africans say when they hear something funny? That's fucking malarious
Why dont blind people go skydiving? It scares the hell out of the dog.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the galaxy
What do... Gay horses eat...?? Hey!!
Why was Tigger always filthy? Because he was playing with Pooh.
Why does C. Ronaldo comb his hair every game break? So it won't get too Messi.
Miley Cyrus So Miley Cyrus entered a rehab treatment facility last week but was denied admission because they didn't think it would "twerk" out
I'm taking your mom to the new British dollar store Pound Town.
I think you should be able to plead "humidity" in some murder cases.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays. You can't use "It's Monday" as an excuse.
(OL) What's the difference between a bucket of poop and a lawyer? A bucket.
Jews rated their trip to auschwitz It was one star
Ideas that aren't profitable Don't make any cents
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders....
How do you know when someone is gluten free? Don't worry, they'll tell you. "Exit stage right...."
I like my women like I like my coffee Filled with cream
Teacher : Billy please don't whistle while  studying. Billy : Oh but I'm not studying - just whistling !
Why was 4 afraid of 5? Because 5 was a Registered Six Offender. Edit: a word.
HER: Im breaking up with u ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong? HER: Ya ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's
How many babies does it take to paint a room? Depends how hard you can throw them.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a Jack &amp; Coke The bartender asks, "Is Pepsi fine?" The man says yes. The bartender then pours Pepsi &amp; Coke in a glass.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Have you heard of nihilism? Its kind of a Nietzsche philosophy.
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren't we helping to find them?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight me: define sir
A Jewish joke (as told by Sigmund Freud) One Jew says to another, "Have you taken a bath?" The other replies: "No. Is one missing?" From *Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious*
What did Jesus say to Peter? Hebrew
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Peace Prize? He was out standing in his field.
Q: How is a penis like fishing? A: The small ones you throw back the medium ones you eat and the larger ones you mount.
"Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Drugs are bad...when they wear off.
I asked my waiter how long my pizza would be... his reply was, not very long.
I like my women like a microwave. She is hot and kills all the babies i put inside her.
Dishwasher at work is like my girlfriend... It has everything it needs, but still beeps.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
How did the terrorist get into Czechoslovakia? They didn't czech his papers.
I'm wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.
Nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones. Which is funny, because people of Abu Dhabi do.
During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex. Because they all ran away when I offered.
What does a new Tesla car smells like? Elon Musk
What did the number 0 say to 8. Nice belt.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? None. German light bulbs are quality products.
What do you call the misuse of a meme? A misdememer.
"My computer asked me for an 8 character password." For some reason it didn't accept snow white and the seven dwarves.
How to fall down the stairs * Step 1: * Step 2: * Step 4: * Step 17: * Step 35: And you're done!
Why did Kermit the Frog split with Ms. Piggy? Because she wouldn't rub it rub it. (blame Happy International Bacon Day)
A Chinese guy walks into the wall with a erection And he chips his tooth
I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.
What's Brown and sounds like a bell?...DUNG!
I'm here to make a donation. Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use... *Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I'd like a receipt. For my taxes.
I keep having this reoccurring dream Every night I dream I'm constantly changing between being a teepee and a wigwam. I went to the doctor and he told me "Calm down kid, you're two tents.".
Where do we keep our thoughts detained? In brain cells!
What did Jesus say to all the black people before he died on the cross? Don't do anything till I come back.
According to Proactiv commercials, people with acne are incapable of being happy AND finding love. Tough break, mutants.
Where does a beaver priest live? In a God Dam House!
Battlefield calls 911 Battlefield: Hi I'd like to turn myself in for a murder 911: Who's the victim? Battlefield: Call of Duty
Tell the punchline first. How do you ruin a joke?
So my fiancee rolls over, wakes me up, and says, "honey, your alarm is going off." I say..... "pics or didn't happen."
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.
Chuck Norris can complete Halo 3 on Legendary. ...using a guitar hero controller.
Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.
People keep telling me that I have no idea what it's like to have no roof above my head I don't think so, I really like the new Porsche convertible.
Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America's Next Top Model or the Hamburglar
Alcoholics don't run in my family... ...they mostly stumble around and bump into things.
Drunk drivers run stop signs Stones wait for them to turn green.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant? A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
A photon stops at a hotel and is asked: "May I take your luggage?" He replies, "No, thanks. I'm traveling light."
I just watched a movie about a y=x graph The plot was a bit predictable And a little flat Good special f(x) though
How many female country singers does it take to sing a Patsy Cline song? Every fucking one of them.
Trump can't release his taxes Putin hasn't sent his W2s yet
I quit my job at the helium factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
Dr: ... Me: ... D: ... M: ... D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum M: No *orange falls out onto floor* D: ... M: *mumbles* yes
The enemy of my enemy is my friend, unless it's one of those half-wits who always says "ironic" when they mean coincidental.
What do you call a urinating khalif. Wiz Khalifa
Don't ever change for anyone. Nothing is worth compromising your beliefs. Unless it's for money.
Heading home early on a Friday to enjoy some quality wifi time
How do you end a party in a redneck trailer park? Flush the punch bowl
I hung out with a mushroom today. What a fungi.
Today sucks but I really shouldn't complain. I've got it good compared to...well, dead people.
How did the Egyptian go broke? He got caught up in a pyramid scheme.
Why couldn't the leopard play Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? A: Because he was always spotted.
I don't think people realize how terrible Blackbeard was... The correct term is African Americanbeard
What's a bananas favourite business to own? A peel-estate business
What did the FSB call the dissident who had been shot fifteen times in the head? The worst case of suicide they'd ever seen.
where do y'all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club? "THE BOG OF DESPAIR" Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don't get to pick anymore
What is a pirates favorite firework? M80
I heard your sister built a brothel. With the bricks your mother got from prostitution.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a  parrot? An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they'll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
If life gives you melons. You're probably dyslexic.
Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather. He won't be able to read it anyway.
In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus. They both got too close to the son.
When Jimmy Fallon started hosting The Tonight Show, Conan called him up to offer some advice... The first thing he said was: "Kill your enemies and see them driven before you..."
I don't know how to tell people this... But I want to be a translator.
She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.
Whats your best "This is so bad that ____" joke? For example, "this is so bad TBS just picked it up for 6 episodes."
I got a papercut writing my suicide note. It's a start. -Steven Wright
What does the Scottish man say after love making? I love ewe!
Six girls taking off their shirts sounds really nice... dozen tit?
Lets be honest Oscar Pistorius will never set foot in a prison
Musical Contradiction Piano is my forte.
Instagram's down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
RIP 2012 (2012-2012)
When the grammar nazi learned his friend had less than 6 months to live. *fewer
I was the second person on the moon. Neil Before me!
I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.
I've decided my left testicle is my favorite It's more down to earth..
I once knocked out a Champion Boxer... I'm still banned from Crufts.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, "I work at Cheesecake Factory"
My girlfriend says that having a small penis isn't an issue in our relationship.. I still wish she didn't have one though.
Why didn't Beethoven sell his house? He put it up Fur Elise!
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
just another rape joke If Bill Cosby is funnier than another comedian, is it because he has a rapier wit?
What does a greek say when gets his salary? Danke!
I take my women how I take the stairs... I take my women how I take the stairs..two at a time.
Did you see that new porno with the invisible man? He came out of nowhere!
"Should the cabin lose pressure oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
What's the difference between a customer and a weatherman? One knows he's not always right.
My wife said I don't do enough work around the house. Its like she thinks this FB account just runs itself.........smh
How to kill your wife without consequences. Hah. Made you look.
"Did you just say something?" "Uhhh nope?" "Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog." "No I didn't." "Good, because I'm vegan."
If God had meant for today to be perfect, he wouldn't have invented tomorrow.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES! When do want them?! NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!!!
Following my vasectomy my urologist told me to return with a sample after I had ejaculated 40 times Ok Doc. See you tomorrow morning!
Drug dealing is a great occupation because if it doesn't work out, you can always tutor children in fractions.
What kind of music do phones love to hear?  A symphony
What was Jesus's least favourite exercise class? Pontius Pilates.
I like my Coffee, like my President. . . Black with some cream. But don't acknowledge the cream because it's so much more impressive to have it straight black.
Why are books about the social contract and demand-side economics so hard to find? Because they're kept firmly under Locke and Keynes.
How did Napoleon eat his chicken? HE PULLED THE BONESAPART! Lol and a rock for yuhhhhh!
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks her if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus.
You know what's been making headlines? Corduroy pillows
Is it a bird is it a plane... What ever it is its headed for the world trade center.
What does a War Boy from Mad Max say when he goes to court to sign an affidavit? "WITNESS ME!"
How'd you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake..
I'm always on my "Best" Behavior...It just so happens my Best Behavior isn't very good!!
I apologised to my girlfriend last night for not being able to get an erection. There were no hard feelings whatsoever.
Let's call Trump the "Second Place President." He'll love that.
My penis refused to give me any jism... Finally, I just had to beat it out of him.
Did you hear the one about the old man at the doctor? Man: I can't pee, doc! Doctor: How old are you? Man: I'm 90 years old. Doctor: Oh, you've peed enough! Heard this one in a bathroom at Walmart.
Why is the LSU football team like my car? They both used to have Les (less) Miles!
A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks "what do you want?". The horse, not understanding the English language, takes a shit on the floor and leaves.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?
Why was the pianist arrested? He was caught playing in A minor.
Hey Tim Burton, it's okay to be out of ideas.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no eye deer. (said with redneck twang)
"I do." "Same." - wedding vows in 2030
Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moonmission? He Apollo-gized.
Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn't know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buck an ear
Why did the tricycle stop working? Because it was two tired...
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you'd better do what I meant and not what I said.
My girlfriend said we can have sex on days that start wit "T"... ...Tomorrow.
My girlfriend thinks that I can't cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I'll prove her wrong.
A beautiful blonde walks into a bar, and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.
A racist joke (be warned and don't take offense) Why is it that you never see a black person on a cruise? They're not falling for that one again..
My girlfriend told me I need to show a little more interest in her family. So I f*cked her sister.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there's holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Teenage Pregnancy Barbie ...complete with dropout forms. Angry parents and deadbeat boyfriend sold separately
Someone should create a Trump parody Twitter account... That only retweets all the stuff he actually posts
craigslist -> jobs -> Wanted: Pet psychic. Need proof my dog hates my fashion sense. Must be fine with nudity. This is not a sex thing.
What is the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of it's paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Hop on Pop is a fun children's book, Hop on Cop is illegal.
How do you make a witch pregnant? Fuck her!
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate Easier & we can have fun with it Mrs Velociraptor.
Why is light beer like sex on the beach? They are both fucking close to water!
How do you know you are in the gardening section of Home Depot? Everything is priced in pesos.
Man creates taser for sheep What happens next will SHOCK ewe!
Snitching is common in Thompkins Square Park It's full of rats
Donald Trump walks into a Mexican Bar.
My girlfriend broke up with me for making too many Linkin Park references. It pushed me One Step Closer to the Edge.
"It's five o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 9am
My parents are so proud of me! I won a math debate.
What's black, red, and blue all over? Rihanna.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep....
What's a roosters favorite sport? Professional Cock Soccer.
Zombies never bite hipsters. They taste fine. We just don't want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
How does Lady Gaga like her meat? raw raw raw raw raw
What do you call safe sex with a horse Trojan
What do you call a car full of nuns? Virgin Mobile
Father's Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
How does someone pay for a painting? With Monet
"I know, right?!!" Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed. Lesson learned.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
What's the difference between Trump and Hitler? Hitler started out as a good guy.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
Would a cosplay of the Hunchback of Notre Dame be called... ... a quasi-Quasimodo?
My parents tell me to stop being a smart-alec... ...that's when I respond with "My name's Tyler..."
My sister bet me $100 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
I dare you to read the New Testament, except substitute every "Jesus" with "Pizza Hut" and tell me it isn't the greatest business plan ever.
People say I'm condescending That means I talk down to people.
What's the point of making a whistle only rapists can hear?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don't suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
I lost the 120 lbs that were weighing me down really fast with one simple trick Divorce.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
This lady went to ISIS to convince her son who joined them to come back home She will beheading home soon
The worst thing about a prison tattoo is always having to explain why you got a tattoo of a prison.
(Dad joke) How much did is cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck-an-ear.
Playing guess the animal with 4yo. 4: it looks like a tiger. Me: a lion? 4: no. Me: leopard? 4: no. Me: i give up 4: it's a tiger
GIRL: l'm tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change. ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I was talking to a nice young women last night, she asked me if I like breast or legs. I told her what I really like is a nice shaved snatch. Apparently I'm not allowed in KFC anymore.
What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like? Depends
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He started eating before it was cool.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That's cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
What do you here when Mickey and Minnie are doing it? Squeak, Squeak, Squeak
GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google "woman stabs" and see how many stories come up.
What's the difference between an establishment where alcohol is served and an elephant passing gas? One is a Bar Room, the other is a BAROOOM!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app this morning... ...and it sent an ambulance to my house
Just spilled red wine ALL OVER my insides.
DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me DATE: is that your son? DAVE: for the last time gwen, he's the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My sex life is like a Ferrari! I don't have a Ferrari.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with a  spider? A harenet.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it's how to turn $200 into $4.
Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out? I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.
Why did the apple pie get fired from his job? Because he showed up baked.
Today we gain an hour thanks to Day Light Savings Time. What are going to do with it? ....gotcha bitch!
How did the mobster burn his lips on a tailpipe? He tried to blow up a police car.
I'm starting to wonder if people just sneak into North Korea for a chance to hang out with an ex-president.
Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
On a scale of 1 to 10, how immature am I? 69
Why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!'
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Fellas, when waiting in line for the new TSA scanners, give yourself some personal "fluffing" beforehand. Don't get caught with shrinkage.
Only 2 more weeks! My wife promised me that if I kept the baby alive for a year I could get a plant!
I asked my doctor if there were any jokes in my body. No pun in tendon.
Why were Indians the first people in America? Because they had reservations.
The original "Ben Hur" was a mega hit movie ....with ( 11 ) Oscars. The remake is a box office flop. A clear case of "Ben Hur, Done That"
The courier delivered only half of my grizzly outfit today... So I choked him with my bear hands.
I want to get a pet deer, cover it in pickles, and name her Dildo
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
I fostered a kid last night Not bad a can right in the back of the head form 20 yards
What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, begins with C and ends with T, and has both a U and a N in it? Coconut
A terrorist is training a group of newbies "Alright class, listen closely as I can only show you how to do this ONCE"
If my memory foam mattress really had "memory," it could write for Penthouse.
What is the difference between Spain and edge of table Cup stays longer on edge of table
How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew? Trust me
Knock,Knock joke Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Micky mouse is in court and the judge says to him "I can't grant you divorce on the fact your wife has bucked teeth" Micky says "I didn't say she has bucked teeth, I said she was fucking goofy"
a district administrator was offered a large bribe to fire some of the heads of his local schools but he stuck by his principals
My drug dealer really cracks me up. Ayyy.
One day I will write my autobiography and it will just say "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." The rest of the pages will be drawings of dicks.
As my friend Joe's last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I wish I was just like my nose And all it takes is spicy food to get me to run.
i make a point never to repeat gossip... (pause) so listen the first time!
Wanna hear a funny yolk? "Whats a yolk?" "An egg joke!"
"You're so cold, I wished you would just disappear!" His temperature then dropped to 0 Kelvin and he disappeared
Policeman: Didn't you see the signs with the speed limit? Driver: I thought they were just suggestions.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny's feet first, "so it can't get away," that's your future serial killer right there.
My wife yawned during sex but I really have to blame the dog watching us because he yawned first.
What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common? Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.
What do you call a Mexican Jedi? The chosen Juan.
Q: What did one coffin say to the other? A: Is that you coughin'?
TIL Mine sweeper (game) was invested in Pakistan
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
What's the etiquette on petting a baby that's been leashed to the bike rail outside Starbucks?
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
[Blind date] Girl: I've always had a bit of a thing for bad boys Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don't think this is gonna work out
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
(warning racist and horrible humor, NSFW) How do you start a rave party in Ethiopia? Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling
Two guys walk into a bar.. You'd think that second one would have ducked.
Last night, I was laying in my bed, looking up the stars as I thought to my self.. Where the fuck is my roof??
Why's everyone hating Mayweather, I think it feels great out
So a grasshopper walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?" favorite corny joke
Is it a coincidence that as soon as Bruce Jenner turns into a female, that she becomes a bad driver? Too soon?
I'm gonna win that PS4 from Taco Bell tomorrow
[grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy
"God is dead, but like, dead in a fun way" - Nietzsche trying to make a first date less awkward
how do you make a dog go meow Put it in the freezer then overnight then cut it in half with the chainsaw in the morning "Mmmmeeeeeooowwwww"
I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night... "This is my dad Roger," I said, "And this is my twin brother Dave." "Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the oldest?" I said, "My dad."
I'm really into Chomsky, Noam sayin'?
What lights up a football stadium? A football match!
Hi everyone, I'd like to announce that I'm dating my very first professional model... she's a 'before' model, can't wait to see how she'll turn out!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Grandma's beating off the Indians but they're still coming.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer]
Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.
Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!
What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? Ruth-less.
I once told a joke about Hinduism on r/jokes... It was instant karma.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
What's the difference between a high and drunk driver? The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
Hey big accounts - What's it like to tweet "My cat sneezed" and get 500 RT in the first minute ? My cat would be dead before I got 50
Religion is like a penis You're more than welcome to have one and a lot of people do, but when you start rubbing yours in my face that's when I start to get a little irritated
As we enter 2015, it's refreshing to see that racism no longer exists in the US. Black people can now be anything they want to be As long as it's the President or shot.
If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.
I got a tattoo in the bald spot on top of my head that reads "let go of my ears lady, I know what I'm doing"
I do not have an obsession with tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up.
Did you hear about those two gay cannibals? I hear they're having a ball.
The Kennedys Everyone says Teddy Kennedy was the big alcoholic of the family. But when you think about it, it was John who was taking shots in the middle of his own parade!
Why are programmers good husbands? Because they're good at commiting.
In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson. Now we lost Neil Armstrong. We are running out of moon walkers
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics...you know, just like a real spider.
Why is the mens bathroom such an angry place? It's where all the pricks hang out.
Waiter, there's a spider in my pie. I thought you had an "award winning chef" *waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
What's more effective than an islamic call to prayer? A rape whistle.
Such a hassle that you have to rob a skier before you can rob a 7-Eleven
Economical way of having a family Just rent a partner whenever you need, and buy a second-hand baby.
We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.
Bury it... ...it's my dad's 'dead joke'.
Hate it when i accidentally drink a small amount of a carbonated beverage and my body is unable to release the gas and i pop like a seagull.
Why do Spanish beaches have a lot of women? Cos they're playas.
I'm just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker. Tata.
This post has nothing to do with elephants. It's irrelephant.
A little african girl... asks her daddy: "Daddy can I play with your dick?" "- Yes but don't go too far"
I just had to leave the office kitchen because two co-workers were talking about tea bags and I'm 12
What is a Jedi's favorite car company? Toyoda
My cat said "meow", so I answered with a "meow", and now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Him: She's always doing magic tricks Therapist: Is that true? Me: Check your pocket. [he pulls out a piece of paper with 'NO' written on it]
This morning, my son farted in church I made him sit in his own pew.
How do you make a baker cry? Kill his family
Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.
Why did all the residents of Flint, MI switch from the hip hop station to the classic rock radio station? They wanted to get the lead out.
What's Elon Musk's favorite band? The Cult.
Whenever people ask me if that pun I just made was intended... I reply, "Nope unintended!"
The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
I can't believe that they only taught us abstinence during sex ed! It's inconceivable!
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
What is grey and comes in quarts? an elephant.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP Me: I'm woke Kids: How woke? Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.
What do you call a failed resistance? Ohmless
HER: Impress me. ME: I own a record label- HER: Ooooooo ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Hi, I'm Brandon and I'll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are "ur mom", "lol own3d", and "u mad bro lol u mad?!??!"
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a bathroom in France? Linoleum Blownapart
Two silkworms are in a race. What is the result? A tie.
Hey girl is your name Karl Marx? Cuz you're starting an uprising in my lower classes
Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.
What is the most offensive coffee to tornado victims? House blend.
Of course Tom Brady got twice the suspension Ray Rice did. Ray Rice only beat his wife, Tom Brady beats everybody.
[date] Her: so you're a mathematician? Me: no actually I'm a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
What's a Jedi's favourite programming language? JabbaScript
Why was number 4 blushing? She saw 2 and 3 halving six
Bjork is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can't.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
In regards to those who lost a loved one to the Air Asia flight disaster... Don't worry there are plenty of fish in the sea. (Too soon?)
I didn't like the idea of having a beard But then it grew on me
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel in the front of his pants. The bartender asks "isn't that bothering you?" The pirate replies "aye, it be driving me nuts."
What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? NYC subway commuters.
Have you checked on your shelves recently? You know, just to see how they're holding up?
What did the farmer say when he found dynamite in one of his cows? This is a bomb in a bull.
Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife. Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
What did the aardvark say when he lost the race to the ant? If you can't beat 'em eat 'em!
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.
I shot a bIack teenager the other day and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Here's my complete guide to art of trolling. Enjoy!
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Unless you're planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.
Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
You're the Pepsi of people. Some people like you, but they're wrong.
I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.
"Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were in a car accident, who would survive? America.
Why can't I think of a word that means something really good or really bad depending on how you use it in a sentence? Fuck!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way last night.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married? A: Newlywebs.
I convinced my son he has asthma so I wouldn't have to waste a bunch of money on team sports.
*At the pearly gates* St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around. Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.
Why can't random men check random women's breasts for cancel? Because that sort of information is on a knead to know basis.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 50 seconds. Poor guy.
What is the difference between a black person and a tire? The tire doesn't sing gospels when you put it in chains.
What did the ghost say to the bee? Boobee!
I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.
What do you call a German who cringes a lot? Vince
What's the difference between a corn shucker with epilepsy and a whore with diarrhea? The corn shucker shucks between fits...
*Searches "Yahoo" on Yahoo until Yahoo has an orgasm*
Lol at birds that walk places.
A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
texas humor sign inside a bar in texas reads: "we like our beer like we like our violence, domestic."
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
For Sale: 5yr old BMW Turn signals like new!
Which fish can perform operations ? A Sturgeon !
I've been contemplating legally changing my name to 'An End', so that all good things must come to me.
I like magic so much that I got married. Just to watch the fun out of my life disappear!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment!!!!
Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]
It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning. You could hear the gunshots.
seX I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
What's the saddest thing about being a chicken? You only get laid once.
Today I broke my leg but it's going tibia okay
Dark humour is like a child with cancer It never gets old.
A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
Have you heard of the movie called "Diarrhea"? It's okay if you haven't - it was a quick release.
Fey items are full of irony.
Q: Why didn't the blondes go to the movies on  one buck night? A: They couldn't fit a deer into the car.
We were going to install Underfloor heating... But we got cold feet.
Breaking Bad is a horrible influence, making terrible things seem cool. Next thing you know, kids will want to start using flip phones.
The urgent care center in town was torn down... ...it was clinically depressed
Me: Threesome? Wife: When pigs fly! Do I wish for flying pigs? Pro: Threesome Con: High bacon prices *has idea *starts building catapult
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* "Oh man my car windows are down!"
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money? Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)
When a man falls off a boat you yell "man over board!" What do you yell when a woman falls of a boat? Full speed ahead
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the band The Monkees, i thought she was joking... then i saw her face...
Jokes About Canada I've been trying to think of jokes about Canada. I could rib on universal health care, maple syrup, or "sorry". But no matter what I think of, it always ends up feeling sort of eh.
Why didn't the old man wear old man reading glasses? They were too on-the-nose.
Tired of being fat and pasty? Put tanning bed lights in your refrigerator.
joke is on you What's the opposite of funny? answer: Jay Leno
People ask me what's my favorite vegetable. Apparently Stephen Hawking is a bad answer.
If i don't get a B+ or better on the Emergency Broadcast System Test this Saturday. My mom said she's taking my iPhone away for a month.
[baby finally falls asleep] ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you'll LOVE real food!
I went to a feminist picnic last weekend... No one made any sandwiches.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Barrister ! Barrister who ? Barristercratic !
I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive. It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.
A calculus lecture at a college Only four students are present. Suddenly six students get up and leave the auditorium. The professor thinks: "If two more come in, there will be no one left!"
Lame, But funny. What did the traffic light say to the car? . . "Don't look, I am changing" Hahahaha XD
Santa Claus uses foreign elves to make his toys. It's time to bring those jobs back to America. Huge tariffs coming to the North Pole!
The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in
[airport security] *Beep* "step through again, but don't say Beep." *Alarm* "Once more sir, but if u speak, I'll shoot u." {thinks} *bzzt*
How do you know if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
Oh my god, hotels. Relax. My stay was fine.
Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We'll be honest. Things don't look good.
Something something april fools SANDERS CUCKED BY DAUGHTER FUCK TRUMP kasich 2016 Aaaaaaaand submit.
It's cool how in England they call trucks "lorries" and dentists "never"
I was bitten by a Hasidic Jew. The doctor in the E/R gave me Rabbi shots.
(NSFW) Why did the condom fly across the room? It was pissed off.
You jerks sit here making your dumb pun jokes, while people in Africa don't even have drinking water Well Water; Uganda Due
What's the difference between a German and a Scot? The German knows when he's not speaking English.
How do you get the emo out of the tree? Cut the rope.
The goldfish just gave me the "just flush me" look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
What do the Seattle Seahawks and school in July have in common? No class.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat the room because it's black.
Quick tax question: Does giving thousands of dollars to charity last year make up for lying about it this year?
My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
Don't be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.
If I could be any arithmetic operation, I'd be subtraction. I just want to make a difference.
"Your former crush likes this thing" "Your former crush likes this thing" "Your former crush likes this thing" -Facebook
What's the difference between a clever midget and my ex-girlfriend, the trackstar? One's a cunning runt... and I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.
I'll never cheat on another test... It keyed my car and told the cops I beat it up
What did the cannibal get when he showed up late to the party? A cold shoulder
WHAT DO WE WANT? The ability to ask different questions WHAT DO WE WANT? See this is what we were talking about
Customer: You said these pants were pure wool but the label says "all cotton." Salesman: Oh that's just to keep the moths away.
What starts with "W" and ends with "ife"? Nevermind, this riddle is too easy.
What do you get when you cross a horse, an elephant, and a rhino? Helephino.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here. Well done the UK. Well done.
Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene? Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing
Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Why do potheads only steal from other potheads? Otherwise there's nothing worth toking.
Why couldn't the Italian phone salesman open up his shop... He had a Nokia
I sexually identify as a table. That is all.
I just started a new band called 'Blankets and Duvets' We've already been called the best cover band of all time
Roses are red Violets are blue Undeleted txts will be used against you
/r/jokes is the most environment friendly sub-reddit around With all the reusing and recycling of old jokes going around.
What would you call a 50 cent concert featuring Nickelback? The 45 cent show
Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? Neither did he.
What do you call a Black Fisherman? Jailbait.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
The family pet is getting old so we're all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can't make it over there.
What is Mexico's favorite sport? Cross-country
clean jokes What did one cookie say to the other cookie ? You've got a chip on your shoulder. What did the deer say to the bear? Your unbearable
I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
When the "M" of MTV was for music & not for maternity... Those were the days
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline.
What do Japanese emperors and rappers have in common? They're both wondering where their ninjas are at.
Why does my Pirates of the Caribbean DVD have a piracy warning? I think that pretty much goes without saying.
I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.
Rihanna just started dating Chris Brown He struck her as a violent person
My new neighbor is fat, obnoxious, and loud. Now I know how Canada feels.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I've set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My drug dealer sold me some shoes the other day... ...I dont know what he laced them with but Ive been tripping all day.
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time...
What do you call a Flaming Homosexual? A hate crime.
Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
R2-D2 was the most vulgar movie character of all time... They bleeped out every word he said!
Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber? He had locomotives.
What was special about Three-Eyed Suzie? She had no legs.
Never bring a dildo to a knife fight.
What do you call hand warmers scattered throughout a room? Intermittens.
Have you ever taken a road trip to the Seagate factory? It's a hard drive.
Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber? He had locomotives!
A lost &amp; found note as a gesture of goodwill. Whoever lost a Rolex I report "the time now is 20 minutes after seven"
Hide &amp; Seek Where is the worst place to play hide and seek in a hospital? In the I.C.U.
Why do German shower faucets have 11 holes? Jews only have 10 fingers.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Getting her off the wheelchair.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why are there so many avenues in Belgium? Because German soldiers like to march in the shadow.
[Serious] Holocaust jokes are NOT funny and never will be. It's a very sore spot for many people. Personally, my grandfather died at Dachau, he got drunk and fell out of his watchtower.
Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it "HERGGEHRHEHAIOUIGSGEG!"
Writing a chemistry exam tomorrow Learned that I can't trust atoms...they make up everything :p
There was a sniper here Anybody s..
What do you call a Ethiopian with gonorrhoea? A quarter pounder with cheese.
Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena
A photographer and a mechanic have a child After two long days of searching for the perfect name, they name him Cam.
My girlfriend is due in two weeks. I can't wait til she's born.
Why do nymphomaniacs like submarines? Because they're long, hard and full of seamen.
Every joke about reddits mods [removed]
What kind of jeans does mario wear? [Denim denim denim.](http://youtu.be/rdnTvgK2o5I) ^^^^^^shamelessly ^^^^^^stolen ^^^^^^from ^^^^^^tumblr
What was the physicist's favorite football team? The Houston Eulers.
I came all the way from New York.... and boy are my hands tired
Did you hear about the two bros who travelled around the world while high? It was a joint venture.
Probably the third-best reason to have kids is if you think it's funny when other people trip.
How do you tell if your roommate is gay? If his dick tastes like shit.
What do you call a pig that does karate? *A pork chop.*
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don't worry about it!
Dude, I'd love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn't going to host itself.
How to avoid clickbait Not like this
A plane full of lawyers die in a crash. thats the joke.
Why did Jesus stop playing hockey? (First) He kept getting nailed to the boards.
So you are distantly related to the  family next door are you? Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.
What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A matching one for the other side of the bed.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys. Human almost never eat monkeys at all.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me* Um I just came out of a fire so I'm pretty hot actually
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat Banned from the petting zoo
Al Gore to play role of The Joker in a new Batman Trilogy Why so serial?
Why does the communist party hate planes? Because they're always Stalin
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I'll kill you ISRAEL [hasn't had a day off in 400 years]: awesome! GOD: what ISRAEL: we mean...oh no so hard
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
what did one car say to the other? we are cars
2 year old runs naked down the street. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww." I run naked down the street. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopuss.
How do whales type e-mails? With their fish fingers.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
What's black and white black and white black and white? A nun rolling down a hill.
*hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work* "Excuse me, are you okay? Because you're kinda stealing my thing"
What do you call a camel in a car? A camel auto!
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he's just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
What's the difference between a decrepit rickety bus and the Egyptian god of death? One is an old bus and the other is Anubis.
Ever had to force a smile while someone takes forever trying to figure out how to use the camera? That's how teenagers feel 24 hours a day.
I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.
What piece of furniture can you find in a gay frat house? A bromosectional
Did you hear about the gay termite? He ate the malebox
I used to find window shopping depressing..... then I visited Amsterdam.
[NSFW] My priest told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked, "Why?" He told me, "The confessional is getting all sticky."
I just read that Stevie Wonder is filing for divorce. I guess in the end, they just didn't share the same views!
Difference between inlaw and vultures What is the difference between in-law and vultures? - Vultures attack first, when you are dead. edit: In-law mean's ''Girlfriend/boyfriend's mother''
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant... Cut off from the world. Stephen King & Pixar present: "A BUG'S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME"
What do you say when God sneezes? Go bless yourself.
I told myself after high school I wasn't going to smoke any more weed. I haven't smoked any less either.
American Horror Story: Walmart Bathroom
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
When I was young, my mom's sister used to bake me cakes with lots of icing and cream. She was a fond aunt.
[Game of Thrones] How do you ask a Northerner if they are of noble descent? Arya Stark?
What do you call shy bladder incidents? Frozen pees
when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something
What's an acceptable absolute zero? 0K.
How did the duck become a junkie? He was addicted to quack.
God I hate these crossword puzzles Does anyone know a 3 letter word for "Father"?
My Wife's MENU had only two items: 1: Eat it or 2: Leave it.
I like my coffee like I like my women. Black and willing to choke me a little bit.
Why did Hitler's Bed'n Breakfast fail? The only thing he served for breakfast was concentrated juice.
A Freudian slip is when you want to say one thing but end up fucking your mother.
Knock Knock Knock - Knock Whos There? Horrible god awful joke that sucks really really bad. Horrible god awful joke that sucks really really bad WHO? This one.
[5:30AM] BRAIN: I'll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don't wake up. BODY: I'll just clip my head on the door frame.
Him: You hang up first. Me: *click
My cat is an artist He drew blood
A short penis joke I'm Asian
what is a female journalist returning from India famous for ? Banged up abroad!
[starts 2 crack beneath crushing loneliness] anyone wanna get frozen yogurt or something, maybe orchestrate an elaborate jewel heist I dunno
Who is the supreme religious leader of the corns? Pope corn!
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
What did the Terminator say when he decided to take up piano? I'll be bach.
What what Juan's twin sister named? I don't know, Juana guess?
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? We may never know the truth.
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
if you dont know what do to with ur life why not just lay on the floor and think about how somewhere in the world a dolphin is backflippin
Q. "Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?" A. "Because sheep would be too obvious"
Alabama VS. Mississippi A man lived in Alabama. He moved to Mississippi. He raised the IQ in both states.
I joined a cribbage cult recently They practice peggin' rituals
How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber? Ask them to say the word **unionized**
Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"... The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"
Why couldn't Diablo get his bros out of jail? He couldn't pay for Baal
What do you call a joke about black people? African hilarious one!
Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I  touch your bra"
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't mistake them for feminists
your momma so fat I'm seriously concerned for her health
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats. * pew pew *
She gets stoked after reading: "Big strapping boxer" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Bathrooms are international You're Russian to it, European while you're in there, and then ya Finnish.
[Stock market crashes] "Oh no, I better check on my investments!" *opens cupboard over top of the sink* [1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
What do you call innocent women and children dying in the middle east? Freedom
My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, "uhm, take a left here?" This can't be good.
Doctor Vs Patient Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
He was like, 'We're all slowly dying' So I was like, 'WRONG' and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Don't let go of your dreams Press snooze
What did the hypnotist say when he got his own website.... Hyp Hyp Hooray.
Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
Want the secret to success? Want 2x the energy without having to diet? Want to add 20 years to your life? Want less shoulder hair? Me too.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, homosexual rooster? Dude'll do a cock!
They say if you love something you should let it go... So why am I going to jail for leaving my kid in Walmart?
ALL THE GAYS ON AN ISLAND My brother hates gay people -- hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'
Have you heard about the Nascar driver that's in the KKK? He's a racist.
How do you know an engineer is an extrovert? He stares at *your* shoes while he talks to you.
My voicemail greeting: Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me.
The new Batman movie wasn't all that good I know 12 people that won't watch it again
If you have Spotify on your Ipad... then technically you're "having your period".
You have to be pretty ballsy... to get a Vasectomy...
What is a long distance love? It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top."
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
In history we were asked to give our opinion on the representation of slaves in the United States in the 18th and 19th centuries... I gave it a 3 out of 5
What's the difference between a ginger and a brick? A brick gets laid
[Request] Best One liners I just want to hear some of the best...
No one ever talks about Peter Pans brother. Peter Pots
I tried to catch the essence of American football It's like you got a pretty big can of cold beer and on the other side of field your best buddy dying from hangover
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
WIFE- Without Information Fighting Everytime :)
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I've only ever known her as Christine
Reddit, what is your favorite anti-joke? Share your favorite anti-joke, or make one up. Or don't. It's your life.
Why did Bill and Ted join Islam? Because they heard it was radical!
Why couldn't the boarder throw out his collection of potted ferns? They were his best fronds.
I tried to force feed my child After a few minutes my wife said "Use a fucking spoon you dumbass, you're not a Jedi."
what do you call a baby donkey in spanish? a burrito.
Why are giraffe's heads so far away from their bodies? Long necks.
I like your name Thanks I got it for my birthday
Did you hear about the naked man who fell into an upholstery machine? He is fully recovered.
Stuart hall, Rolf harris and Max clifford walk into an Irish bar. Barman says not Yew Tree again
homework? decent grades? the bible said adam and eve not adam and achieve
Warning: password is case sensitive. password i think ur case is cute dont woorry so much
I used to be into S&amp;M, bestiality and necrophilia Then I realised I was just beating a dead horse.
What did David do when he hand all his bones removed Nothing.
How do you discipline a pet rock? You hit rock bottom
I'm sticking to my guns. I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax! Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I bought a 12 pack of condoms the other day. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag, I said "Nah, I'll just turn the lights off".
Those novelty New Years glasses look so stupid. So I wear glasses that say "Yesterday" because it makes me wise beyond my years.
Why do Mexican and Muslim jokes all sound the same? Cause if you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal. Ba da Tissssssss
Knock Knock Who's there? Moderate Islam. ....... That's strange. I could've sworn I heard a knock at the door.
Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
A choir director addresses her students Choir Director: I have your audition piece in three different keys. Student: Does that mean you can open three different locks?
I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.
Why are female golfers better than male golfers? Because they swing both ways
Do Muslims scream Allahu Akbar when they blow their load into a goat? No, they just whisper it so the goat doesn't get startled.
What do broccoli and sex have in common? NSFW If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.
So my friend's bakery burned down yesterday... His business is toast.
It's nice that lions don't mind looking like 80's rock stars.
What do hand grenades and wives have in common? Remove the ring and your house is gone.
Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.
If you see a guy in an executioner's hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
WebMD: You have cancer. Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake. WebMD: And good thing you did... Cuz of the cancer.
What do you call a Mexican pervert? A pedrophile
What has a bottom at its top? My life ( ._.)
How do you the difference between a blond man and a blond woman? The blond woman will have a higher sperm count.
Women who don't even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder. I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.
I'm good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.
What's the difference between this post and a fire truck? A fire truck is red and has four wheels while this post is a complete fucking waste of your time.
Why does it suck to be a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
What did The Beatles say when a hot but unexpected guest showed up at their bukkake party? Here comes the sun!
4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ''I am a zebra.''
Would you people tweet something funny so I can steal it already? I need to update my Facebook status.
"1st day at school" Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" . Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
BOSS: I don't know if you're the right man for the job BAKER: NO PLEASE *holds up dough* I KNEAD THIS
Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.
My friend, Jack, is a pilot I said one day, "hi,jack" He.shot me.
If H2O is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P
Irishman walks in to a bar HAHA! Get it? It is funny because it implies the Irishman left the bar before to be able to walk back in!
What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years? Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
Mexican artists were hired to make Donald Trump look more "authentic" to the Mexican demographic. So they drew a bunch of penises on his face.
I was banned from guitar class because of an inappropriate reaction to "let's practice your fingering technique"
I've heard the best place to network for a job is at a fat camp You meet *tons* of people
Why was the hippo afraid to go skiing? He didn't want to get hippothermia.
Watching CNN for news is like watching "Patch Adams" for medical advice.
What do you call a dinosaur that likes spicy food? A mega-sore-ass.
what do people in the German Alps say before they are about to do something crazy? YO-da-lay-hee-LO
A man goes to his doctor and says; Doc I think I'm addicted to twitter. Doc: Sorry, I don't follow you
I enjoy hitting my kids with my belt. I also never take my belt off.
"welcom to salad shop do u want a salad" yes "do u want chicken on it" yes "do u want bread on the side" r u just selling unmade sandwiches
two year old comes up to me asking if I've seen a dummy, unaware that she's just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.
Brexit, for France AdiEU
Martha Stewart would choke on her craft supplies if she saw how I fold a fitted sheet.
In hindsight, we shouldn't have given the cat her own checking account.
what do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline
I laid here for almost 10 minutes before anyone asked if I was okay after I pretended to get elecrocuted by the copier. Fuck these assholes.
Like grandpa always said, 'If you kids don't stop retweeting yourself, you'll go blind.'
Do I turn left, when nothing is right? Or do I turn right, when there's nothing left?
What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Pregnant Dad joke courtesy of my child
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it...
When did the gay atheist become religious and started praying? When the gunman walked into the club he was in and started shooting and the doors were locked.
How can you tell if a Newfoundlander is gay? He eyes the b'ys.
My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you're not better than everybody else.
What do you call a big trash can? A dumpster. LOLOLOLOL
You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like it's on the boat for a while after? I'm like that with beds.
In England butchers price meat by how they smell... ...a good sirloin costs about 10 pounds per scent.
What do you call a Dothraki mathematician Khal culator
Iceland passed away last week... its last wishes were for its ashes to be scattered across Europe...
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
Some people think stalking is wrong... I call those people cops
What do you call a slutty a gun? A fl-uzi
TIFU by getting my wife the wrong Subway sandwich Oops wrong sub
My friend asked me how I know the smell of a wet dog since I'm a Muslim and can't have one I told him my girlfriend is a Christian.
What do you call a chicken with political ambition? Republic-hen
Cowboy and a Drugstore Clerk Cowboy: Give me three packs of condoms please. Clerk: You need a bag with that? Cowboy: Nah... She's purty good lookin...
JKLMNOPQRST That's all that stands between U and I :)
Worldwide Survey A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,158,783,476 people, 95% were too lazy to actually read that number.
Apparently it's not enough to just show up, you need to be wearing pants as well.
Wanna hear a construction joke? Im working on it.
What does a cannibal eat with cheese?  Pickled organs.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.
Small dick can also hurt the ego of a man.
89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.
*eats everything*
If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.
What does an assassin do in the waiting room? He kills time. (I'll get the door after my appointment)
What did the mushroom say to the chef? Don't eat me! I'm a fun guy!
I'm always right about things... Could you say I have a correctile dysfunction?
Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, "what kind of therapy is he in?" because of course I said that
Staring at large boobs makes you better at multi-tasking. It demonstrates you can concentrate on two things at once.
I dropped my nokia in the toilet didn't bother me since it's always been shitty.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card ME: How'd you know it wasn't me B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try M: Dear god
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because he has a million of degrees.
How do you make someone stare at a screen for 30 seconds? Please wait...
Why don't we elect fat presidents any more? Because they don't run.
What do you get when you cross a flea with a rooster? An itchy cock.
Swimming "Hey, is that ur Kid in the swimming pool?" 'No, my kid can't swim'
my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn't there
what happens when you're singing in the shower and get soap in your mouth? it becomes a soap opera
Some of your behaviour is completely embarrassing but highly entertaining. Carry on.
What's brown and ryhmes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
What do you call a person who falls onto  you on a train ? A laplander !
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
What's similar between a 9v battery and an asshole? Your tongue ends up on it even though you know it's wrong.
I quit my job as an accountant It was just too taxing
Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car that you've already wrecked. That's why I pull into the self serve
Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
Just to throw my other white friends off, I'll say shit like, "Don't be sayin' that kinda shit in front of my black ass!"
If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down... They wouldn't turn me down anymore.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
How do you keep black people out of your back yard? Hang one in the front!
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he's going to take a dump in the minivan, he's not making idle threats
How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way -- unique up on him.
What moved less than Jenny McCarthy's forehead tonight? Mariah Carey's mouth.
I got to test the new self driving prototype, the Ford Dixie But it crashed and I can't get the police to help. They hang up every time after I tell them "My Dixie wrecked"
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
If an angel statue is removed from a fountain... ...would that make it a sans seraph font?
three gay guys are in a hot tub [NSFW] when a big blob of semen floats to the surface. one guy says while looking at the other 2 "ok, who farted?"
Some people just need a high-five. in the face... with a chair... twice.
Did you hear about the epileptic Roman? [](/badjoke) He had a Caesar.
You're so fat... you had a threesome with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Buttersworth.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me having sex with her dog. I guess I really screwed the pooch on that one.
How many goals did Germany score? gerMANY
"Your password is weak" You're the weak one And you'll never know love Or friendship And I feel sorry for you
Me and my wife are married for so long that she can finish all of my sentences And the middle, sometime even the start, too
Person: "That's a beautiful baby." Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa." Person: "Awe, what's his name?" Me: "Grandpa."
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know Y.
I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty.
Want to hear a good boxing joke? Fuck you.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you'll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I guess traffic is spending the night Because it brought its jammies.
Where do Jedi go to get inked? Tattooine.
Gotye used to be popular. Now he's just somebody that we used to know.
What's the best/worst dirty joke you know? In honor of the recent joke trends I ask you what is the dirtiest joke you know?
I missed a question on my biology exam today. The question was "what are commonly found in cells?" I guess "black people" wasn't the right answer.
What does Julius Ceasar say after sex? Veni.
Why do the melons have to have a traditional marriage ceremony? Because they cantaloupe.
Nature is full of strange creatures: carnivororous plants, birds that can't fly, white people with dreadlocks
I must have a great ass Because after leaving a conversation, I always hear someone mumble "what an ass."
When you say you don't feel good "Are you pregnant?" -people without kids "Do you have to poop?" -people with kids
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!! PLEASE do not tell my husband
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger ME: Me too, that's also my reason
What's the difference between ten dead hookers and the stuff in my basement? Nothing.
The first rule of winter sex The one who has a running nose has to be under the other.
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.  Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
I'm gonna start a woman's monthly magazine called "Period", and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
every good........ (offensive) every good rape story starts with a no...
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us we can make a lot of money.
Where do the Sith shop? At the Darth Maul. :3
Know any good DJ jokes? This is the only good one I know: "Why don't DJs play pool? They always scratch."
Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers Will make your car look fucking stupid
If someone peed on me during sex, I'd be like, "Ha! I've read about this!"
Hey, say what you want about pedophiles... ...at least they slow down in school zones.
What do you call a Mexican Goat? Amigoat
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
*spelling bee* "Your word is disaster." "Can you use it in a sentence?" "That outfit you're wearing looks like a natural disaster."
Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
I haven't gone to the washroom in 2 days No shits given
Just found out I have a tumor in my ladyparts... It's one of those that can be known to have hair, teeth and bone in it. I don't what I should do. I'll probably just get an abortion though.
One from france Do you know why 50% of women on earth will never have an orgasm? Well I can't be everywhere at the same time.
Someone once said, "Find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life." So, I'm pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
[on way to play charades with gf's family] I don't wanna go why I don't wanna look silly you won't *first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar... He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
Why hasn't bigfoot ever gone to prison? Because he has only been convicted mythdemeanors.
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat? To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
I thought it was a compliment to tell a girl she looked like Ronda Rousey... I guess I should've left off the "after she got kicked in the face" part.
Pharmacy A man walks into a pharmacy - "Id like 3 packs of condoms please". The pharmacist - "Here you go sir, would you like a bag". Man: "No thanks, the girl is good looking".
[2 dead cats on ground] Cat Detective: Curiosity killed them but how...*dies* ~later~ [3 dead cats on ground] Cat Detective II: How di...*dies*
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
How do religions reproduce? They have sects.
Mehh ~Goat, sighing..
My dad never really loved me as a child I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.
What's the most common pickup line at a gay bar? May I please push in your stool?
When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed My name, my address, my phone number
I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people... It needs more work.
Q: What do college students and deer have in  common? A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.
"Ma'am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I'm gonna need you to step out of the car." "Um, I have a boyfriend."
Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.
What is it called when someone gets destroyed at online chess? Extreme Pawnage
A man was caught peeing in public by a police officer. The cop's only reaction was... "Urine trouble now."
"There's an all you can eat--" CUT TO: My spinning empty office chair
Why does the Fonz dress up as an insect when going on a journey? Because he wants to get from ayy to bee.
What do you do when an elephant comes in your window? You swim!
Three words are having an argument... Had, Made, and Did were having a very heated argument. They became more and more agitated as the argument went on. It was beyond tense... It was past tense.
Overheard @ high school's red &amp; white football game Clueless freshman: "So, who are we playing?" Crowd: "It's intrasquad!" Pregnant pause. Clueless freshman: "So we're still going to lose!"
All the Kardashian girls sound like they've just been lobotomized and can only remember the words "I just feel like..."
Do mermaids smoke seaweed?
Guys, is it okay that I kinda hate the obsequious rhetorical questions people ask when they want to sound like a wry, world-weary populist?
I searched your life up on google... ...it gave me an error 404
Me: Can I have $5? Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
To hell with syncing the Titanic... I named my iPhone "ass" so I could back that ass up.
I recently started the new Brexit diet So far I've lost hundreds of millions of pounds.
I guess I'm getting old. Now when I hear "Pour Some Sugar On Me" I think of 2 things. Who's cleaning it up and I hope we don't get ants.
I like my women like my coffee, hot, black, and bitter.
Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
What happens when two smurfs are in love? They smuck
[in Batmobile] Superman: Hey Batman: Sup? S: Promise you won't be mad? B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
What's the difference between a book and a Mexican? The book has papers.
Why should you never tell jokes about Hitler? Because your friends might Nazi (not see) the humor.
My favorite pick-up line: Hey girl, my name is Tony. You know what that is backwards? Y not.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person? DOG: Cat person, definitely.
What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.
Funny Joke **Want to hear a dirty joke** &gt; A boy fell in the mud **Want to hear a clean joke** &gt; He took a bath
Why was the electoral map feeling down? It wasn't, it was feeling blue.
*interrogating cat* Admit it! You're a Communist! "Meow" A no-good red! "Meow" Tough guy eh? "Meow" We can do this all night. "Mao" Youwait
Undertaker: "What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?" Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
I'd made a chemistry joke... ...but all the moderately amusing ones have used to death.
Why women mature faster than men? Because men start growing breasts only after 40 years old.
Forget about sexy, I am bringing good manners back!
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
12,000 BCE: Humans hunt woolly mammoths with stone-tipped spears. 2012 AD: I apply acne medication to my cat's chin.
Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it!
*Snowman wakes up in hospital* "What happened to me?!" Snow Doctor: Don't worry you're fine. But... what did you think a snow blower did?
who discovered Snickers??? I'm on the Paleo diet, except I'm the caveman who discovered Snickers.
Say what you will about us hypocrites, but the standards we claim to have are WAY higher than yours.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith today As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door!
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner
I passed my dentistry exam... Written paper A+, Oral B.
My barber asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe You're gonna be the one that shaves me (shaves me)
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd [BB]sips drink that's ridiculous water shoots out of holes No more questions
The asshole in front of me is texting and driving right as I'm tweeting this.
What is an Ewoks favorite hotel accommodation? An Endor Pool!
You can convince people to go anywhere with the promise of free food.
What is the difference between my dick and my life? Life is harder.
My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I'm disgusted. What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.
My daughter has green eyes, she got that from me, my wife on the other hand has black eyes.. She also got those from me.
How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much? Because they built their stuff with reads!
Three Guys Walk Into A Bar The fourth guy ducks.
A doctor, a midget, a monk and an indian is at a bar when ... ... a blonde suddenly walks in. M. Night Shyamalan shouts "Cut!". The blonde fainted.
How can a woman avoid cleaning, cooking and oral sex for the rest of her life? Grow a penis
It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you've slept with
Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.
Dad joke: What time do monkeys poop? Tree turdy.
Did you know 80% of chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive Rincolns.
"You can't sleep either?" Says a voice from under your bed.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Did you hear the one about the loyal Jewish patriot who put America's interests ahead of Israel's? Me neither.
Why do women fake orgasms? They think men care. I'll see myself out.
why was the blonde staring at the light bulb for long hours with her mouth open? because the doctor advised her to "eat light"
I heard England won the Super Bowl... But what would I know, I'm not a big fan of tennis anyways.
If grandmas had an award ceremony, what would it be called? The Grammy's
What's a pirate's favourite letter? A P. Because it's like an ARR, but it's missing a leg.
Who invented the North America? TEACHER: Sarah, go to the map and find North America. SARAH: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?CLASS: Sarah!
A family walk into a hotel, the father walks up to the counter and says "I hope the porn is disabled" The clerk replies " its just regular porn you sick fuck!"
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think "you fucking dirty bastard"
How does a Range Rover Evoque look after landing on it's roof? Exactly the same.
How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? Hold on, I'll ask
An American doctor who contracted Ebola is said to be getting better. The bad news is he's getting better at contracting the Ebola virus.
I was thinking that 6 years for your masters was a long time... But black people used to work 60 years for theirs.
Well, I did it again. I focused on the one person at the concert who annoyed me and let it ruin my whole night.
I used to only listen to classical music... ...but now I think outside of the Bachs.
I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
Midgets are not a big part of society. Huehuehuehuehuehuehue....
What do you call 2 gay Mexicans in bed? A Juan-on-Juan
How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.
P Diddy or P Didn't he?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[First day as a private investigator] *Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound *Gets murdered
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
Why are black people afraid of motorcycles? They'd get caught in the chain.
Why Mathematics make you a Terrorist? Because they teach what is the history of Al Gebra.
How does a Russian bomb explode? Kaboomshki
I'm against vaccination! Vaccines save lives and I'm against overpopulation!
I'm not that great at hide and seek... I look in the mirror and I lose everytime.
What happens when an Illuminati member works out and gets really buff? He becomes an Illumi-hottie
Which is better: blind or deaf? Deaf. Because the blind community can't see each other often.
I once met a girl with 3 boobs Everyone called her triceratits
My plans must be so fat they never work out.
I Asked 100 Women Which Shampoo They Preferred? The Top Answers Was: Get The Hell Out Of My Bathroom!
"GET IT!?" * "Knock knock" * "Who's there?" * "Interrupting time traveler." * "Interrupting time traveler, who?"
What's the world's longest sentence? .... I do.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Thousands of Russians in Moscow chant "Russia without Putin!" Thousands of Canadians Horrified
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math" Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am" Interviewer: "Whats 14x27" Me: "49" Interviewer: "that's not even close" me: "yeah, but it was fast"
I always dream about her every morning "because i usually sleep in morning classes"
The trouble with having an Asian fetish AND a foot fetish... You're bound to get off on the Wong foot.
Why dont bicycles pedal backwards??? Because than it would be REcycling
Kessel Run With his latest crash, Harrison Ford has become the first pilot to complete the Kessel Run in 12 over Par-secs.
If someone makes you want to murder them, don't hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.
A man is in the doctor's office: "Doctor, can I get AIDS from sitting on a toilet seat?" "Well yes, but only if you sit down before the last guy gets up."
How cowboys are made "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "Where do Cowboys come from?" "Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much..."
Why do French people only have one egg at breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf.
Twins Yesterday, I was hanging out with my girlfriend when her identical twin sister walked by. Then my girlfriend asked me, "Do you think my sister is pretty?"
My wife caught me crossdressing.. So I packed her things and left.
I would make a joke about gold But that would just be Auful
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue... ...Vodka costs less than dinner for two
I had an annoying friend who was paralyzed from the hip down I couldn't stand him.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
An ugly foul smelling creature walks into a bar and the bartender says "You should be at the dump!" The creature shakes its head. "Nah, they don't want a redditor either."
What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian bail.
How to kill two birds with one stone: Step 1: throw a stone at a bird Step 2: go pick up that stone Step 3: throw it at another bird
I don't get computer-related jokes. ..not even a bit.
No, No, people. It's okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Why didn't Edward get on the plane? Cause it was snowed-in.
Yesterday I told this joke about a worm being eaten early in the morning The birds loved it.
Me: when I grow up I'm going to be an astronaut. 5 year old daughter: you're already grown up. You'll be dead soon.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. This is always funny because it never grows old
Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam? When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing. I'm so sorry.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Just wrote "58008" on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up. I hate the future.
Can a guy with no eyebrows look surprised?
I wish just once in one of those "What's in her bag" magazine spreads they actually showed tampons and cocaine.
When my wife wants my opinion, she'll give it to me.
People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won't eat lasagna.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anka ! Anka who ? Anka the ship !
So I dropped my pack of gum when my sister asked for a piece I looked to her and said "Don't worry... It's in MINT condition"
When I'm at a restaurant and see 'secret sauce' on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Comcast: "Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?" Me: "No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered."
Know any 9/11 jokes? I'll start it off. knock knock *who's there?* 9/11 *9/11 who?* you said you'd never forget!
What do Hillary Clinton and OJ Simpson have in common? They got away with it.
How convenient, I can cook this lasagna in the microwave in 30 seconds, or in my oven in 4 days.
"wow with attitude like this do you even have friends" me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
In honor of the Million Muslim March... What do you get when you add a million lesbians to the Million Man March? Two million people that don't do dick.
Ghana has eliminated the U.S. from last two World Cups... They're probably Ghana do it again.
How does a yoga instructor turn down an invite? Namaste home tonight.
Just went into a women's restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I'm glad so many American children have smart phones since they don't have an education.
Someone wrote "Jesus Saves" in the bathroom stall at Walmart. Evandalism.
[creation] GOD: Gather round creatures & I'll tell you what you'll eat ANTEATER: I'm SO excited! DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
What is long, brown and covered in flies? The welfare line.
There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand Binary and those who don't
It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.
What's the difference between Jesus and a Mexican? Jesus didn't have a bunch of tattoos of a Mexican...
What's the difference between Stanley Yelnats and the rest of the kids in Holes? He was just a nerdy digger.
I found the best comment about what's been happening to reddit [DELETED]
Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards. Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes
How do you climb a triangle? By scalene it
In Greece how do you separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
I went to a metal concert, the singer was a bit ill... Still fuckin' sick though!
Two wrongs don't make a right. And two half-wits don't make a wit.
*Belle falls in love with Beast* Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it! *Belle speaks to furniture* Everyone: this is fine
the reason quarterbacks can throw the ball so far is because it's filled with spiders and they hate it so much
Knock knock Who's there? A door salesman.
Monopoly I never thought that monopoly is such a realistic game until I saw Greece selling it's airport
'Doctor, I have a drinking problem!' 'I'm always drunk whenever I'm traveling between countries!' Doctor - 'Sounds like you're a borderline alcoholic.'
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb ? 1 or 2 ? 1... or 2...
Shampoo is much more marketable than it's original name, Shamshit.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on  the toilet.
She asked me for a dollar... But I only had three quarters of it.
I want a tattoo but i'm afraid to get one. Not because it's permanent or the pain. I just don't want to talk to a stranger for 7 hours.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
How do you make a Welsh person comfortable while playing Scrabble? Remove the vowels in his rack.
I hate Russian dolls... They're full of themselves.
One of my nipples is a different color from the other two. Is this normal?
[OFFENSIVE] How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw... (Heard this one the other day from a friend, and thought I might share it here. :P)
I can tell when two words go together well to define a new thing. I call it portmantuition.
Did you hear about the patch of fog that entered the spelling bee? It wasn't very good but they gave it a precipitation medal.
What do you call low class gay women? Plesbians
A buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says. . . "Make me one with everything."
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Hi girl r u a beaver? Cuz dam.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? just trying to fit in.
A compulsive liar walks into a doctor's office claiming to be constipated... The doctor tells him he's full of shit.
I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy.
Probably 98% of human history would have never happened if showing off for girls wasn't a thing.
Why shouldn't you trust big cats? They are a bunch of lion cheetah pussies.
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
[NSFW] What do you do when your penis starts acting up? Beat the fuck out of it!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Carrie ! Carrie who ? Carrie on camping !
Coworker: I can't believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better. Me *should have
"Can you believe that after all that shit they're still together?" Who? "My buttcheeks."
That Gorilla from Ohio.... and the small black boy. Utter mismatch. James vs. Curry
Me: "Do you think it's strange to talk to yourself?" Me: "No."
I was raised by my father.. He's schizophrenic but he's good people.
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 35 pounds
I got arrested for breaking into the Chinese restaurant. Don't worry, my attorney said that I'll probably wok.
A man was undressing for the nurse behind a curtain He asks, "Where do you want me to put my clothes?" She says, "On top of mine."
Have you seen the joke about the carpenter that had to fix a fence? I believe it was a repost
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic who has insomnia? A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
You didn't have to say "he's a male nurse." When you said 'he' my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I shared a banana with my Dad today... He had the inside bit again :( (Joke courtesy of the hysterical 'Adam Hess')
Time is the coin of life. Only you can determine how it will be spent.
Which UK party will the sleeping pigs be voting for in May? The Lay-Boar Party.
If it's so good why can't I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
What kind of shoes to pedophiles wear? White Vans.
What do shingles and fat white women have in common? Eventually both will be nailed by a mexican
He died doing what he loved most... Correcting my grammar.
I cut off He-Man's electricity today. Now I have the power.
All my tweets are based on true events that happened in my head.
I wonder if my son's packed lunch tastes like the flavorless chore that it is.
How did Timmy dodge the oncoming car? He didn't
Almost every post that hits the frontt page Has a misspelled title.
What does Michael J Fox do when his son parks in his space? He Park in son's space
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar
"Can we not have sex tonight? I'm tired" "Hi Tired, I'm dad"
I went on a date last night with Hellen Keller. I'll never go on a blind date again.
Selfish Girls When I was a kid. Many girls want to kiss me I Allowed. But Now... I want To Kiss Many Girls but They Don't Allow me.
I didn't want the cop to see that my car's registration tags weren't current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too
Being married is a lot like being a DJ... Most nights you just tune out All noise and nod your head...
Did you hear about the 3 new types of Barbie dolls? There's tall, short, and great personality
I met an elderly at the park and asked him what was going on? He smiled and told me "I have Parkinson"
I don't know why people are surprised when I tell them my Grandfather Made it out of Auschwitz. Most of the German officers did.
They are giving free AIDS test at the DMV. The only thing worse than waiting in line at DMV is finding out you have AIDS.
I've always liked prostitutes... Personally, I feel like they give me the most bang for the buck.
I just won an innuendo competition! I had to beat off some stiff competition though
What form of hand-to-hand combat did the Nazis use? Jew Jitsu
If I had a dollar for every time I read "OP is a racist" I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read
What's the difference between a firstborn prince and a baseball? A baseball is thrown to the air.
How do you organise games in Pompeii? Make aedile.
What do you call pigs in a demolition derby?  Crashing boars.
What happened when the wheel was invented? It caused a revolution.
What's the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
Stand Up Comedy Yes, I actually did some stand up comedy, but I didn't like it... every time I would get up on stage to do my routine, all people ever did was laugh at me...
What's the best part about having sex with a tranny? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
I know the kids don't like you and pick on you, but you have to go to school... you're the teacher!
Why do sailors give their wives a bouqet of ropes instead of flowers?? It's a bouqet of forget-me-knots.
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.
Why was the Sublime cover band so bad? They don't practice Santeria.
A mushroom walks into a bar... The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here!" And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
Society: Be yourself ........ Society: No not like that
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Horse floats found to be incorrectly labeled in ferry disaster.
Fell asleep next to a beautiful woman I met last night. I tell you what, she was PISSED to wake up next to a stranger... And that goes double for her husband.
I kept wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
Fallout 4 doesnt come out in japan till december 17th.. Which is fair, because they got the original fallout about 60 years before us.
Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles! Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?
Gary Johnson in an Interview.. Reporter: Knock Knock! Gary Johnson: Who's there? Reporter: What is Alep Gary Johnson: What is Alepwho? Reporter: a-are you serious?
My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn't want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young
Somebody told me this really good joke the other day. You shoulda been there, it was hilarious.
What do you say to someone with a bladder problem? Urine trouble.
Q: What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long has a head on it and that women love so much that they often blow it? A: a $20 bill
Heard The Wall Street Journal just dropped Facebook stock results to the Comics Section
What kind of tree barks? A dogwood!!
Waiter: black pepper? Me: sure Waiter: say when Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Irrelevant.
If you're ever get attacked by a group of white people, just yell "EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!" and they'll all stop to do the Cha Cha Slide.
What do you call the son of a Mexican and an Israeli? Jewnor.
"Wow, it's pouring out there." "Just let a smile be your umbrella!" "That's not how rain works, Karen."
You can't spell "A.D.D." without "hey what is that is that some Go-Gurt"
What do you call the inhabitants of London? Arabs
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I'll solve it... [Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
One day a man was making a password... He tried the password "my penis". The laptop said, "Error, not long enough."
I hate how politically correct the world is becoming... No longer am I allowed to say "black paint." Now I have to say "Tyrone can you please paint."
Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Pouring one out for your homie is extra sad because first your friend died and now there's a mess.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM'S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
What's the square root of 69? ate something
Why did China lose WW2? Because their weapons were made in China
(Xpost: showerthoughts) Knock-knock jokes should win the No-Bell Prize
I asked my web server engineer wife to give me head. All I got was information and not the actual act.
Counselor: Wash your face. I can see what you had for breakfast. Henry: If you're so smart what did I have? Counselor: Eggs. Henry: Wrong. I had eggs yesterday!
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds. Me: That's a cam- Wife: ... Me: Yes. Yes they do.
What's the difference between a baby and a freezer? a freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it
If you hate us so much, stop using our Internet
The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.
I went to an NBA game and there was a female referee She only made 75% of the calls that the male referees made.
Yo' Mama is so ugly **..yo' daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.**
My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.
If it wasn't for venetian blinds.... It'd be curtains for all of us.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
My girlfriend is like an Australian Olympian She always comes second.
How are a pair of skinny jeans like a cheap motel? No ballroom
If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[NSFW]A more honest retelling of John F. Kennedy's famous quote on lunar exploration. "We choose to go to the moon, and Marilyn Monroe's bedroom, because it is easy and because I am hard." JFK - 1961.
What does the Chicago Cubs's name stand for? Completely Useless By September
What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole chicken.
What did the policeman say when the Arabic man escaped from jail? GOTTA CATCH JAMAL
I'm worried I won't pass my stress test
? Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi "May I have the definition?" The state siblings can get frisky ? and cousins toooo ?
What did Wendy do when she first saw Captain Hook? She Peedherpants
Why did the Redditors like when a tornado hit a fence? There was a lot of reposting to do
I'm close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word "awesome" 10 times in a row to describe a guy.
My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football. What a bunch of idiots. I'm gay because I like cock.
Don't dress like a hoe and expect a guy to approach you like a princess.
[guy in dark alley] Psst. Hey, lady... *opens trench coat* CHECK OUT- *dozens of bibles fall out* -our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn't agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
What's the difference between a run-down Greyhound stop and a crabby, decrepit prosititute? The first is a crusty bus station, whereas the second is an accurate description of your mother.
Confucius Says Baseball is wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk.
"Sacre gray!" - Colorblind French guy
Netflix is all, "Do you want to watch a bunch of crappy documentaries? No?? Well how about if we charged you $9 a month to watch them??"
Whichever part of my body is responsible for burning fat needs to stop procrastinating.
A man walks into a bar and tells a joke that has been posted on reddit before. I only know because no one would shut the fuck up about it.
this guy was disemboweled? wel i guess u coud say *fumbles w/ shades and drops them in body* no ewww i droped my sunglases in the guts noooo
My dad almost caught me watching midget porn. Thankfully I put my finger on the screen in time.
Why does my 4 year old son trigger my cars seat belt alarm but my 30 pack of beer doesn't? Because I buckle up my beer.
I've got a good joke for you guys... But you've probably all Reddit before.
I'm opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
What do you call a woman with an opinion? Wrong
Whats the hardest part eating a vegetable? The wheelchair
Instead of laughing my ass off, I'm going to start laughing my stomach off. I'd rather lose that.
What do you call a Black Jew? .....a menorah-tee.
"You can't tell me what to do!" I screamed, and ate the packet of silica gel.
Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US. Trump will make America grate again.
Me: 'I love you so much, I'll see you later beautiful' Girlfriend: 'I love you too' Me: *Looks up from patting dog* 'Yeah see you later'
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I don't do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Congratulations! It's a boy Doctor : "Congratulations! It's a boy!" Parent : "Sorry, did you just assume my child's gender?"
What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A nun falling down stairs
Why do Americans spell colour as color? Because fuck U, that's why.
My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss. No DNA test necessary.
My friends usually get upset with how often I make jokes, but I need to stay strong. You see, seven days without puns makes one weak.
What is, aside from being rubber, the similarity between an old car tire and 365 used condoms? It was a Good Year...
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
If a caveman from the Paleolithic era saw you turn down a cupcake because youre on the "Paleo Diet," he'd kill you with a sharpened seashell
It's fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car's side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
What's the dirtiest thing ever said at a gay bar? "Excuse me sir, do you mind if I push in your stool?"
Why didn't the Chinese guy get any time off from work when he told them about his son's death? They didn't bereave him
Why are photos in Latvia always such good quality? There's no such thing as potato quality there.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset* Sara? *Gets down on one knee* *audible gasp* "Yes?" Help my knee is made of magnets
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? Because he ate pizza before it was cool.
What brand of vodka does a Canadian drink? Grey Moose
I took the shell off my racing snail to speed it up. If anything it made it more sluggish.
I hate when people look at me and proclaim "well look what the cat dragged in". Do I look like a dead bird, small rodent, or used tampon?
Have you got the address of the butter  website? Yes but don't spread it around.
How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
You aren't supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Girl: So, how many inches is it? Pat: How many inches is what? G: You know.. P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long. G: OMG, It's so big!
Yo mama is so fat... That the sorting hat put her in the waffle house!
Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME
How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1. Put some headphones in your pocket. 2. Wait one minute. Ta Da !
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The memory on my phone is FIFA'ed Sorry.....Corrupt.
It takes five hours to get ready for work each morning, but it's worth it when I hear co-workers mutter "What the fuck? Is that an angel?"
Did you hear about the president that cheated on his wife with a piece of fruit? He was impeached
What's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator ? ... Have you ever heard a refrigerator fart when you pull out the meat?
You're a guy, therefore you can't "hehehehe".
Anyone ever notice "Seven" has the word "even" in it. That's odd.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru] Hi, I'd like enough tacos to forget 2016
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken Sedan!
We have a strange custom in our office... The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".
What did the hero say during the September 11 attacks? "Allah akbar!"
Who you must not greet on a plane? HI Jack!
Why did god give women legs? Have you ever seen that trail a slug leaves behind?
I like my coffee like I like my women... Ground up and in the freezer.
Super joke! Leaps over your head in a single bound! Which is impressive, considering it's always in the clouds...
My buddy is doing a semester abroad. I would be perfectly content doing a broad a semester.
What do you call a naughty Yazidi child? A little devil
How does a woman apologize to a man? I'm sorry, but it's your fault.
If you think you're frustrated, Try teaching an Italian sign language.
What Greek tragedy was written by a neckbeard? [Tips fedora] "M'dea."
Gay pickup line Shit gurl, are you a chiropractor? Cause you straighten me out.
FOX HOLE Q: What's it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole? A: Bestiality.
What does a chemist say when he's pouring water into an acid? Drop the base.
What did the roman soldier say after crucifying Jesus? Nailed it
I finally get why everyone on earth is so moody... This whole planet is bi-polar.
In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.
How come Donald Trump is on the frontpage of Reddit so much? Its all reposts from Hitler
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes? ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics.... ...don't elect a joke. (Credit to Bo Burnham)
Happy Mother's Day Reddit! What did you get your mom?
This morning I woke up feeling the BERN! This afternoon my doctor told me I need to practice safe sex and wrote me a prescription.
What do you call a person of mixed heritage from eastern Turkey/northern Iraq, and from Wisconsin? A Cheese Kurd.
Little Timmy... Little Timmy had a drink, But drink he will no more, For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.
Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date? Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.
"No!" -An A to Z guide to parenting.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream cone? Because he got hit by a truck.
What do sex and air have in common? It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any. Heard on the radio.
"but what if I ask someone a question and they answer it" - me sitting in my house too nervous to go to my neighbors party I was invited to
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we'll decide if it's positive or negative.
Donald and Hillary walk into a presidential debate. And America walks out
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I'm not saying that Asians are bad drivers... But I'm beginning to think that Pearl Harbor was an accident.
Mom, why am I black? - Mom, why are you, dad and everyone else in the family white, and I'm black? - The party was so crazy you should be happy you don't bark.
What do you call a diseased duck? A Mallardy.
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One? Or two?
Q: What did Dahmer do when he finished his vegetables? A: He threw away their wheelchairs! 
What does a horny assassin do? Netflix and Kill.
What did the pineapple say to the coconut? Pina Colada!
I got into an awkward situation by having an erection at the office. I was hard at work.
No matter how hard you push the envelope It still remains stationery
So I heard Nicki Minaj once wanted to kill herself. And her song comes on and I think why didn't she?
People say I've got no willpower But I've quit smoking loads of times.
Goal as a white guy 1)Pay taxes 2)Never say anything that may come across as racist 3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today. Then smile and walk away.
What do you call.... nuts on the wall? Walnuts. nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. nuts on your chin? Chinnuts? No! A dick in your mouth.
My gf got into a car accident today... I take public transportation so I don't also get rear ended by strangers.
What do you get if you inject a baby goat with chimpanzee DNA? Thrown out of the petting zoo.
Why is Waldo always wearing striped clothing? because he doesn't want to be spotted
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Tomb Raider gave me carpal tunnel syndrome. ...and that was just the box art.
Why are Australians never late for work? Their snooze button only lasts 6 minutes.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" And the horse answers, "They've started a round of layoffs at the plant."
What could Boston Marathon Bombers do that Hitler couldn't? End a race.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a man? Just one, if you put it in the right place.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. The Laughing Stock joke reminded me of this one.
What's the worst part about fucking your grandma? Banging your head on the coffin lid.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle. Wife: How?! M: Just help me. W: Have you tried butter? M: It's delicious. Now will you help me?
Why can't you trust a snowman? Because they're all a bunch of flakes
Here's a fact, gay guys love vagina. Okay, that might be wrong. I'm just trying to get my facts straight.
Hi folks, this is your captain speaking. How crazy is it that we're about to FLY. I still can't get over it. Wow. How does that even work.
Yo mama is so fat that when she went bunggie  jumping in a yellow dress everyone was screaming the suns  falling!
I find certain races unattractive... Marathons are one thing, but triathlons seem like too much trouble.
[doing crossword] Me: I'm looking for a word that means slight pause Her: Hiatus? Me: *erasing 'our sex life'* thanks
What's a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese.
You got problems with parenting... You start to get headaches. I follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: "Take two and keep away from children."
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Note to self: before sending that e-mail... Don't ever rely again on the e-mail engine spell check. Latest letter of intent of mine went out with a 'T' instead of a 'G' in "Best Regards"
My doctor prescribed a med that has "weight loss" as a side effect......I've never wanted to overdose so much in my life!
Honey Nut Cheerios I've said it before I'll say it again If Honey Nut Cheerios wanted more Jewish customers, they should change the Nut to Milk and call them Canaanios.
How is working in I.T. like being a wizard? You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.
Why did Clemson choose orange as its team color? So they could play football on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up garbage the rest of the week.
What's the current number one song in Russia? Crimea river
Pro tip: most pro tips are given by amateurs.
What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker? If the rubber snaps, you're screwed
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look...that one is shaped like an idiot".
FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE
A blind guy once told me, "Kid you're going to go places." I told him, "Dude. I'm over here."
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir Me: Neither (scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She's concerned that "the haters" in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
What the Ambani brothers said to each other I cannot reliance on the other
What do you get when you put human DNA in a monkey? A lifetime ban from the Zoo
What do u call a spanish man with a rubber toe? Roberto
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amana ! Amana who ? Amana bad mood !
What do Sea Monsters eat? Fish and Ships.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH donald trump and hillary are stranded on a boat, and it sinks, so who survives? AMERICA
Shout out to male porn stars... Those guys are always hard at work
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I've got a really funny knock knock joke, but you're going to have to start it... You: knock knock Me: whose there? You: ... Ummm
What was the first mention of soccer in the bible? When Jesus went up for the cross.
I was rejected at this job interview that I had. Apparently, "gang rape" is not a suitable example to prove that you are good at working in teams.
What's the difference between humor and odor? Humor is a shift of wit...
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss? Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why? Cop:Lol, nevermind
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? 'ell if I know!!!
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they're not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I had a package delivered And it was covered in drool and crayon. That's the last time I pay for a special delivery.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I'd resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[movie theater] Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down? Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
What does the snicker say to the other snicker? DEEZ NUTZ, Ha! Goteem!
Will you marry me? 'Is a marriage proposal' Will, you, Mary, me? 'A foursome inquiry'
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
and asks for a drink. A time traveller walks into a bar
A hipster is given a cookery award, but dies before he can receive it... It was posthummus.
What did one casket say to the other casket? "Is that you coughin?"
How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape? He does lots of bare-obics.
Do lightbulbs ever think about sex? Only when they're turned on.
Hey girl are you the IRS, because you're all up in my business.
If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I'd appreciate it. I've been locked out for about 4 years now
What do you call an 800 pound gorilla? Anything he wants to be called.
Raise your index and middle finger and ask... "Why should a woman allways masturbate with those two fingers?" Answer: "Because they are mine."
What do you call a Nun in a Wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.
What do you call someone who rapes a king? A penetraitor.
Sexual Innuendo is really funny until you shove it down someones throat.
A bear and a rabbit are both taking a shit in the woods The bear says, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" Rabbit: "No, not at all." So the bear wipes himself with the rabbit.
I saw a sign the other day the made me fucking piss my pants... ...it said "Bathroom Closed"
I deleted all my german friends off my phone... Its now Hans free.
Q: How's your visit in North Korea? A: Can't complain ...
4 out of 5 people say Han shot first He actually shot 5th
/r/News mods did a great job today ... Get it?
What did the gay man say to his cheating boyfriend? I see you already have your shit packed, now get out.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I've been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
To find a prince, you're supposed to kiss a frog. Not screw the whole pond...
Did you hear about the baker who always fantasized about being a king? He walked into his bread oven room and said, "All rise."
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?  Ghouldfinger.
HALLOWEEN JOKE: Why don't witches ever have babies? Because warlocks have hollow weenies!
I forgot where I threw my boomerang. Oh wait.. It's coming back to me now.
I'd try to commit suicide, But I'd probably fail like the rest of my life.
A man goes to the zoo and the only exhibit is a dog... It was a shitzu
I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub. He seemed like a decent feller.
Top reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment They are already experts at recycling.
What are cows favorite party games? MOO-sical chairs!
How would a pirate describe navigating Reddit on Talk like a Pirate Day? Arduous.
What did the collections person say to the board.. You've been surfed!
What is Kylo Ren's favorite beverage? Supreme Liter Coke
i was reading a story about a proctologist... It hit pretty deep.
Hey girl, if I could change up the alphabet, I'd replace U with a more interesting character. Since we're on anti-pickup lines today.
Wife: "I look fat. Tell me something to make me feel better." Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
It's awesome that 4th of July is in the summer. But it sucks for countries like Australia who have to watch fireworks in the winter. SUKAZ!
How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.
I'm never satisfied with my haircuts at first... ...but then they grow on me.
[Lizard Enterprises HQ] Lizard Boss: Um excuse me, do you work here? Snake balancing on 4 toothpicks (nervously): Uh yessir why do you ask?
[Job Interview] Boss: What is your best trait? Me: Procrastination. B: How is that a positive? M: I'll give you my reasons. Later.
What's big, black and steals you credit card? Sony Playstation 3
Do Chinese cities have Americatowns?
I Have The Body of a 25 Year Old Supermodel But it takes too much space in my freezer.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie. Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
What's the hottest album in hell right now? Views from the 666
What species are the best rappers? Dragons, because they're always spittin' fire.
I'm sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
The darkest joke ever. [It was the darkest joke ever, till you spoiled it by hovering, or highlighting or whatever the hell you did...](#s)
What do you do if a buff black man slaps your girlfriends ass? Tell his owner
On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, "It looks so different sober."
What do you call an elephant and a rhino mixed? Asked my buddy "What would you call an elephant and a rhino mixed?". He looks at me and says "Shit man, Helliphino".
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw  in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
What kind of pants do the Mario Bros wear? [Denim denim denim](https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&amp;v=TmnZgBpYG_4&amp;t=5)
What's the difference between Jews and Boy Scouts? Boy Scouts get to leave the camp.
Q: What do call a fish with no eye? A: A fsh.
You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Emotions don't scare me. People who manage to hide theirs completely, do.
How are you supposed to be politically correct... How are you supposed to be politically correct and still have a gender reveal party?
Ever hear about the optimist that was getting eaten by a lion? He managed to get out of the beast, but he looked like shit.
You're all invited to my second bar mitzvah where I become a child once again
What does a dyslexic programmer say after a magic trick? Da-Ta!!
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
When people say "life is short". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?
Why do strippers look better in the club than outside the club? Black lights matter.
The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.
Why are calculators grey and boring? Cause it's what's on the inside that counts! EDIT: it was a joke guys:(
We need a woman president in the oval office. Because the white house cook is retiring next year.
How do you change a cat into a dog? Soak it in gasoline, hold a match up to it, and "woof!"
What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee? Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...
Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants? Just in case he gets a hole in one!
Ahh Summer. The season for confusing unattractive girls with hot girls because of oversized sunglasses.
Number 1 best thing about waterparks: boobs. I'm sure there's a number 2 best thing, but #1 has got me pretty occupied at the moment.
Apparently impatient midgets don't like to stand on clocks... because it would make them short on time.
I called a guy with dwarfism a 'midget' He was a little offended
My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I never pay attention ...or something like that... I wasn't really listening.
My favorite joke is about RMS Titanic. It's a one-liner.
Have you heard the joke that they don't tell assholes? Oh, no? Nevermind then.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
So I slept with your daughter last night. She has a tiny dick though.
Want to know the secret for making 1 million dollars? Start investing with 10 million dollars
My friend David lost his ID recently. Now we just call him Dav.
How do you greet a German baker? Gluten Tag
Me: [in bathroom] 7yo: [knocks] MOMMY? Me: Yeah pal 7: IT'S ME Me: I know 7: YOUR SON Me: Knew that too
"If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Vegetarians must hate themselves because they're made of meat.
Did you hear about the guy who tied to put his package into tried to put his package into the mail box? He thought it was a fe-mail box
(This one is better said than read)... What do you call a fish with no eyes?... ...a ***Fsh!!***
A vegan invited my friends and I to a vegan restaurant.... the food really lettuce down.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw a lightbulb? You don't need to, they glow in the dark.
Did you hear about the millennial pharmacist that got fired? They fired him because he didn't believe in labels.
Does anyone else believe in solipsism or is it just me?
Sex with a homeless guy is right up your alley
I haven't cleaned my car in so long that I still have paper maps in my glovebox
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Chuck Norris VS Superman Chuck Norris and Superman once agreed to a fight, the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common? They're both snowed in.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
How can you tell if somebody's run a marathon? Wait 15 seconds, they'll tell you.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I went to a onesie-themed NYE party... ...everyone was appalled when I turned up wearing just a belt.
Kim jong un is sick... Kim Jong Un is sick. I guess you could say he's now Kim Jong ill.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?
I'm amazed how long I will watch a stupid infomercial, because I don't feel like reaching for the remote.
What kind of cars do rabbits drive? Hop rods.
What's the difference between strange jizz and you? Your mother doesn't love you.
What did the scientist say when he created something super BASIC? ExtraOrdinary
What's the worst part about 4 black guys driving off a cliff in an escalade? They were my friends. :(
Why did the Republican get a sunburn? Because the sunscreen instructed to apply liberally and he was unwilling to compromise.
I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don't make me have to guess.
I like to listen to the Star Fox theme song to congratulate myself for having a successful string of social interactions
If you're a guy and you shave your legs... you might aswell go all the way and shave your pussy.
If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there
How many Buddhists does it take to screw a light bulb? None. They believe that the enlightenment comes from within.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. I laugh a bit more.
My dog ate a bunch of tissues yesterday. Looks like his ass is going to wipe itself for awhile.
I witnessed an attempted murder yesterday. Luckily, only one crow showed up.
I went to buy a Christmas tree today The cashier asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I reply, "No you sick fuck I'll be putting it up in my living room!"
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
If Tetris has taught me anything it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
What do you call a veal-birthing cow? De-calf
What do you call a grenade thrown into a restaurant in France? French Toast.
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
What's the easiest way to annoy an anti-vaxxer? Needle them
Wrong spellers.. Untie!!
The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
Wife: Talk sexy to me Husband: Commencing garment extraction W: Huh? H: Initiating trouser disengagement W: ... H: Removing unmentionables
What is a creationist's favorite button in pokemon? B to cancel evolution
I got a job at a bakery today I kneaded the dough.
Despite constantly dropping the ball... Gravity is pretty reliable
Whenever I see a group of girls talking I just barge in and say "he is such an a$$hole" and just like that, I'm part of the group.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then
Did you hear about the blackout? Don't worry, I shot him.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I went to a car show but there were nothing but Fords I guess you could say it was a real Ford Fiesta
What's the difference between a complimentary cocktail and major brain surgery? One is a free bottle in front of me, the other is a pre-frontal lobotomy.
Me: SPIDER! Brain: Nope, fluff. Me: SPIDER! Brain: That is a fly. Me: SPIDER!!! Brain: sigh. That's your hand idiot.
Two atoms are talking: "Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
Thanks Grandpa My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
i just flew in and boy are my arms tired from jacking off on the plane a whole lot
If an officer... Ever wants you to say the alphabet backwards, just say "het tebahpla"
Yesterday, Bill Clinton endorsed Newt Gingrich's immigration policy Today he's endorsing Herman Cain's domestic policy.
Growing up on Disney movies has left me so disillusioned about small woodland creatures and their willingness to help me with my chores.
Why is your mom like a 360 noscope? Cuz I wouldn't hit that.
The people in horror movies would live a lot longer if they listened to me in the audience.
When does a joke become a dad joke? Is that sexual harassment?
What do young female monsters do at parties ? They go around looking for edible bachelors !
Did you hear about the Knock-knock joke champion? He won the no bell prize.
it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'
Deleting your Facebook is the new regaining your dignity.
Laughter is the best medicine Dad used to say laughter was the best medicine I guess that's why some of us died of tuberculosis.
I said to the wife, "I'm horny." "What you want me to do?" "Have sex with me." "Oh, really?" "No, just joking," I laughed. "I just wanted to give you a headache."
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal - decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I lied and told someone, "I can't go to your party I have diarrhea." I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn't stopped me
Locked myself out of my office 3 times today if anyone's looking for a responsible adult
What Do Nuns Call Air Conditioning In A Prison? A convent!
What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport?  Miniature golf!
What did the psychiatrist say to the man who walked into his office wearing nothing but saran wrap? I can clearly see you're nuts.
Egypt needs a new president. I need a summer job. This could be perfect.
I told the doctor I want to take my amputated leg home and he asked why "Because it's my right"
Why are haunted houses so noisy in April?  That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!
I once saw a road sign that said, "Slow Down, Small Children at Play" but then it occurred to me that I'm not afraid of small children
You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.
CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float?  WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.
Some women have mood swings... others have mood theme parks.
I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights... The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.
how many indians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sikhs
You cant have crisis without ISIS
what do you call a fat woman who has 28 men in bed with her each night? yo mama
I recently followed a guy from Ethiopia. BIG mistake. The only thing he ever tweets about is what he's not having for dinner.
Why did the guitarist get arrested? He got caught fingering A minor.
I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier. Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.
What starts with the letter "M" and picks up metal? Mexicans.
A man proposes to his girlfriend. She has one condition. Syphilis.
What's Iron Man's favorite carnival ride? The ferrous wheel.
What is the difference between Will Smith and Scotland ? Independence Day
What is the name of your Russian coworker you see the next day? C. U. Tomorov
A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side. I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.
If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It'd be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. "We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!"
I'm really sorry to hear about Donald Trump Nothing happened to him. I'm just sorry to hear about him.
Here's my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.
This is Gold Au
At the Karma Cafe, there is no menu you get what you deserve
DUCT TAPE. Turning "No! no! no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmm."
What do you call an alien with three balls? E.T. the extra testicle.
I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin... I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin. They brought me 3.
I like my women like I like my file systems..... FAT &amp; 32.
No one wants to be the sofa king But they all think they're sofa king funny.
What do a Marionette User and Tampon Thief have in common? They both pull strings for work. (Inspired by Bo Burnham, this popped into my head the other day)
What do you call a vagina that talks back to you? An answering cervix
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?  She kept following the instructions: lather rinse repeat!
What's an anagram for Banach Tarski? Ransack Habit
Me: "You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!" Grandma: "Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."
Craigslist is useful until you need a list of people named Craig.
"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Ghostbusters." "Ghostbusters who?" "Taco." Courtesy of my 3-year-old.
Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I'm here to learn the difference between your and you're.
I'm not just pms-ing. I'm ovary acting.
What's 80 feet long and has 22 teeth? The front row of a Ted Nugent concert.
How much sperm do gay guys have? A buttload
I'm white, but not like "has a golden retriever named Chance" white.
My friend owns a bakery Last week it burnt down Now his business is TOAST
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders
Q: What do you call a video of pedestrians? A: Footage.
Why couldn't the fruit get married? They cantaloupe
Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings. 'Murica
[On phone] "Did u see the weather forecast?" "No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather." "Where are you? Its so noisy." "IN A TORNADO."
I asked my masseuse if it was unusual to get an erection during a massage... the masseuse replied, "not at all it happens all the time." So i said, "well do you mind keeping it out of my face."
Want to hear a joke? Your government is competent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.
What's the worst thing about owning a dildo farm? You get squatters.
My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war. Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.
new tattoo My wife has a new tattoo. its a shell on the inside of her thigh. when i put my ear to it i can smell the sea...
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it's me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
People who say they "Like to have fun"... No shit?
LPT: Don't eat Taco Bell for breakfast. Or you're gonna have a shitty day.
What's the difference between a baptist and a Presbyterian? A Presbyterian is a Baptist who can read
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
It's impossible to rekindle an old flame... ... the restraining order and lifelong lighter ban saw to that.
What do you call 4 lepers in a hot tub? soup
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub... She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men." ;) So he stabs her &amp; steals her purse.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.
What do you call a castrated unicorn? A eunuchorn.
Use this to start a conversation with a stranger. "On a hot day nothing feels more relaxing then butt chugging a slushy. Say, do you have a funnel?"
"I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.
What is a gays favorite sandwich A lgblt.
My sister was in love with a Mexican guy. She wanted him to marry her but he went home to Mexico... ... I guess he's the Juan that got away.
What is an umbrella doing in the shower? Practicing
How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles? nail the other hand to the floor.
Return to empty house. TV turned on to UFC. Faint smell of Axe body spray. Worst fear realized. My house has polterguys.
Cannibal Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend In the forest?
50 cent is only a quarter of what he used to be.
There's no sex like the we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.
How high are you? No officer, it's hi, how are you.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven't seen the first 299
Why is it called extra virgin olive oil? Because they grow the olives inside, away from the birds and the bees.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
What do you call a large gay man who wears dentures? A gummy bear
Why was Luke Skywalker banned from all the local pubs... He used excessive force
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If you legally change your name to 'You're Free to Go' then it's impossible to get arrested.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed... How could anyone stoop so low?
Just confused cereal with rat poison...I don't know if to wait till I'm sober to do something about it or not?
I tried throwing away my old boomerang but it keeps coming back
This isn't a joke, I'm a Black guy who's in dire need of white jokes.... Give me your best Reddit! ^^^^
Golfer: "Caddy do you think my game is  improving?" Caddy: "Oh yes sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
"May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind." -Sir Smirnoff
I'm going to name my dick Pride. So when I fuck your mom, she will be filled with Pride.
I knew a person who was against warrior princesses He was a Xenaphobe
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.
The only person who's never seen what a chef in a pizzeria looks like is the artist who draws the cartoon chefs on pizza boxes.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don't know the answers to so I'm going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
What song can never be played on #throwback Thursday? Friday by Rebecca Black
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
a priest, a rabbi, and a nun naked except for a rosary, all walk into a bar... the bartender says "what is this, a joke?"
Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could've just gone outside and saved yourself $50.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome... I would employ lots of woman whose sole job will be to call me handsome.
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records... But then the librarian told me to take it out.
So many fun things to say.....too many relatives on Facebook to post!!
Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? They had a lawn-distance relationship.
Why did the chord get kicked out of the bar? Because he was Aminor
Eggs. Dyed for our sins.
*pops the hood* "Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt" .. Umm r u sure you work here? *lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*explosiom of light* *univrse is created* *earth forms* *plants grow* *a grape fals off a vine adn drys* evreythimg hapens for a raisin
Why did semen cross the road? Put on the wrong sock.....
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister walk into a bar... And the bartender says, "Is this a Joke?"
"Dad, I'm suicidal." "Hi suicidal, I'm dad."
A girl has to get in bed before 8 p.m. so she can come home at 11.
I like my women like I like my ice cream, Rich, creamy, and in my freezer.
Which is the oldest animal? Zebra. Coz they are still living in black and white.
So my dad dropped this on my mom this morning Mom - "You know the neighbor always kisses his wife every morning before work. Why don't you do the same?" Dad - "How can I? I barely know her!"
I thought Ali was just shaken up a bit... But I guess he's down for the count.
Why were the early days of history called the  dark ages ? Because there were so many knights !
Nice guys finish last, cause stamina.
Apple Store robbed The Apple Store in Regents Street, London, was robbed this morning. Police are appealing for an iWitness!
Why was the little black kid with diarrhea crying? Because he thought he was melting.
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject, these days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.
School is just like a boner, it's hard and long... Unless you're asian
'Winter Wonderland' is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later
The twist in M. Night Shyamalan's next film is that it turns out to be a good movie.
"And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate." -me as a babysitter
What us the difference between garbage and Jersey Girls? Garbage gets picked up.
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
Today my neighbor knocked at my door at 3 am. Can you believe that? . Lucky for him that I was awake playing the drums!
Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg? Because in France one egg is un oeuf.
What is it called when a Redditor writes about his life? A meme-oir
What do you call a lamp you send in the mail? Lamp post
What brand of shoes do chickens wear? Reebok bok bok
Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now.
How is a Jew like a new pair of eyeglasses? They're both tight in the temples.
My friend asked if he could tell me a Soundgarden joke. I said no. I didn't want to hear a Black Hole Pun.
One time cancer got a terminal case of Chuck Norris.
I'm starting a fight club... First rule is tell everyone you know because I have no members yet
What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a condom? Your parents would know! * My friend said this to me since I'm an only child *
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth* *twists it around with her tongue* *pulls it out* *it spells "I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND"*
Where did the Grim Reaper find his missing keys? On Death's drawer.
Why does Seth Rogen laugh like he's being asphyxiated? Because even he knows he sucks.
Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say "wrong hole"
Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science. And I could use some pizza and beer.
What did the mathematician say after Thanksgiving dinner? "(1)/8"
What makes an octopus laugh? ten-tickles
Don't be fooled - orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn't even value half of all his assets.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let's see if he notices.
I could understand Eve's choice to doom all of humanity if she'd been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.
What makes a feminist prostitute angry? She gets payed less than the transsexual prostitute.
Is there a condition called "melanism" ... ...in white people, the opposite of albinoism in black folks? Because, if not, she's got some explaining to do.
*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen* *watches live version of Hunger Games*
Uber driver told me he's an actor & has been nailing all of his auditions & is up for a big role I was like cool you're going the wrong way
My favorite sex position is the JFK. It's where I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
At first I was worried about my eyesight, but my doctor said I was fine. As a matter of fact, he said that in 5 years I should have 20-20 vision!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a big, smelly vagina? If you absolutely had to, you could eat the bowling ball.
My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I'm beginning to think she's more antisocial than I am.
If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I'm going to tell you to google it and act like you're the stupid one.
How many dank memes does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, just use the jet fuel instead.
"Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe" -straight up killin' it at this parenting thing
All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas' hair has been wet for 20 years.
Dog names What do you name a male dog with no hind legs? Dragonballs.
Someone stole my copy of Microsoft Word. Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Word, I'll track you down. You have my Word. EDIT: I saw this on /r/puns and reposted it here. I Excel at reposting.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
2 drunks meet on the street One says "please allow me to pass between you" The other replies "alright, just please do it one at a time"
What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight? There ain't no rest for the wicked
What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in "A Link to the Past"? Hyruleglyphics.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christoper Walken
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My Friend Failed Astronomy... I failed too, if it's any constellation.
What do you call a paraplegic with Ebola? A parabola.
Why dont they have Drivers Education and Sex Education class on the same day in Iran Because it would kill the camel
So did you guys hear that Farrah from Teen Mom has a sex video? It must be a prequel spin off.
heard on The View this morning (courtesy of Fozzie Bear) What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?......Half-way.
I'm trying to remember what that soup is called, the kind with chicken and rice.... Oh yeah! Chinken Noodle!
if I was a Trucker, I'd wanna' be 1978 macho karate knowin', funny CB-radio trucker, Not the 2010 meth-addled, restroom-gay-sex,herpes-type.
What do Caitlin Jenner and the Carolina Panthers have in common? Manning was just a bit too much for them.
2 Mexicans and a white man are in a car, who's driving? The police officer
How much does a slave cost? I have no idea, I just know they aren't free
What turns you on the most? Water. It makes me wet instantly.
All these Marvel movies, and they sure are taking their time getting to Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet Don't worry. They'll get there... Avengually.
What is the most common pickup line in a gay bar? Can I push in your stool?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
My ex-girlfriend always used to tell me I only think with my penis. A small part of me thinks she might have been right..
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
You know football is a big sport... ...now that you can buy hair gel that gives you the "Messi look".
How many homeless people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Zero. Homeless people don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in cardboard boxes.
Where do chicken strips find love? Chicken tinder ~Thank you, to Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen's official Instagram for this gem
I was trying to think of a pun about herbs and fish But it was neither the thyme nor plaice
What do women and dog poop have in common? The older they are the easier they are to pick up.
What do you call the medic in a K9 unit? A dogtor.
How do you get a person with podophobia to leave? Just say "shoe".
A few years ago I dropped LSD with my ex-girlfriend and she wanted to get hot n heavy but I couldn't get it up. Now I get flaccid flashbacks.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say "Are you kidding me" he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls? Sparky
What does Donald Trump's hair get at the end of each day? [removed]
Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
As far as I can tell, a picture is basically just a way short video
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "thanks", I said "don't mention it"
Women are like guns keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
I shouted "the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!" at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Why is the beef in Colorado so good? Because the steaks are high.
I tried to play water polo once But my horse drowned. :(
Q: Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women? A: He wanted a Czech mate.
Don't cry over spilled milk. And broken eggs. And a violated ham. And-FINE, I'LL LEAVE. This isn't the only grocery store in town, you know.
Did you hear the one about the guy with no ears? Neither did he.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field.
Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don't. so i made her a mixed signal tape
Whats worse than having to break up with your Japanese girlfriend for the first time? Her not hearing you, so you drop the bomb a 2nd time.
Scientists: Don't freak out about Ebola. Everyone: *Panic!* Scientists: Freak out about climate change. Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.
"You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus
Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean? It was plane to sea.
Why did God give man a penis? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
I heard the new iPhone is selling well. In fact, it's a real 6s.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.
Shout out to the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets. *Friend posted this. Gave me a good laugh.
Why do brits have sex more than any other nationality? Because with Cameron in charge they're always going to be fucked.
I got some weed and hoes. Let's do some gardening!
A lot more happened on board the Titanic than you might think. The movie just touched on the tip of the iceberg.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.
what do you call it when batman skips church christian bale
A fish's Google search history: - do fish have short term memory? - do fish have short term memory? - do fish have short term memory?
Watch it bro, your mouth's writing checks your body can't cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I've had rain boots sitting in my dorm since college started. I never thought I'd need them. As it turns out, these boots are made for Joaquin.
What do you call a retarded jelly? A slow jam.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
what do you call a cow without legs Disabled
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do? GLINDA: Send you home D: Lame [tries new pair] And these? G: Wait- D: [clicks heels] [turns into hamburger]
So far it's been an, "I look okay enough to go to Walmart but not to go to Target" kind of day.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
I've changed my name to Yasiin Bey. It is very important to me personally and culturally that I am called by only this name from now on and I ask respect for my decision... said Mos Def
Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I was going to get a face-lift but I thought about my health and went for face-stairs instead
Girls lives are tough .
Your mama is so ugly I will slap her face off of her face!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.
What do you a call a PC without Garage Band? A Dell
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies.
Policeman: Now sir how did you come to have this accident? Motorist: Well the sign just there says `Stop ? Look ? Listen'. And while I was doing that the train hit me.
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies!
A Jewish boy asks his father for $20. His father says, "Ten dollars? What do you need five dollars for?"
Why was the skeleton embarrassed? Because he had a boner.
Why did the short guy lose the basketball game? Because he four feet.
If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill If girl is far from you - Mobile bill If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill. Moral - No Girl - No Bills!
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.
There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I came up with an in-depth, comprehensive list of films that are just like real life
Warning: 18+ 19
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing they're both stuck up bitches.
Knock Knock Knock, knock. Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up, it's cold out here!
H: I think we should see other people. Me: Do I have to? I don't even really want to see you.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
what's better than a dozen roses on a piano? tulips on an organ.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
What are Mozart and Beethoven up to these days? They're both Decomposing
Hi I'm German... Did you really expect me to make a joke?
"Sexy role play.. I'll be a dentist." "I'm here for my appointment" "Did you book in with Karen first?" "No?" "Please leave, I'm very busy."
What kind of train eats too much? a chew chew train
What do you get when you spend all afternoon replying to your anonymous feedback on Corpell Anonymous Box? Corpell tunnel syndrome
Why do people in tumblr like quantum computing? Because it's non binary
First Rule of Thesaurus Club: You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
guys: women are a mystery. women: Here is what we- guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT? women: well for start- guys: Guess we'll never know!
Well, I've reached that awkward t-shirt size between 'XL' and 'killing myself.'
My daughter asked for a Frozen blanket So last night she slept on the balcony
School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free
Just recently I fucked a girl for an hour Thanks daylight savings!
If you have a daughter, let her marry a programmer. They are men with codes.
Is it just me? Or does amy schumer look like sarah silvermann sounds?
I couldn't figure out why my car exhaust was so quiet... It left me baffled!
Where did the Easter Bunny go to college?  Johns Hopkins!
What does 9/11 and cancer have in common? They were both inside Jobs
Really? "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?" Um...may I introduce you to pizza?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*throws plate of Kraft Mac and Cheese at wall* I TOLD YOU I CAN'T EAT SPICY FOOD
How did So-Cal celebrate the double anniversary of the LA Riots and Cinco de Mayo? Rodney King Pinatas
90% of Men in Chicago have had shower sex The other 10% have never been to prison.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Some people are like water balloons; they're more fun when you throw them out the window.
I'd like to thank /r/jokes for teaching me so many jokes! I've always hated the sound of laughter...
*driving my date to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
What's green and spiky and retrieves information at the click of a button? A web Bowser.
shaking hands is weird, it's like "hey, i don't know you. let's touch each other"
Now that I'm an overweight, nearly middle aged man, I'm considering bulimia more and more But I don't have the stomach for it.
You know what I find odd? Every other number.
My grandpa was 1/5th of the way through his 58th mathematics degree when he died... He was pretty rad.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, "Boy it sure is hot in here!" the other muffin says, "HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!!"
A bubble floats into a bar . . . The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The bubble says, "Pop."
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? One is under buck fifty one is under a buck.
For once, I'd like to take a medication w/side effects such as come-hither eyes, mad juggling skills, & Julia Childs' prowess in the kitchen
Bears eating a clown Two bears finish eating a clown and one of them asks the other "Did he taste funny to you?"
A man named Phil realized he was gay one night.... It was very Phil-filling
What's big but small? A midget's ego.
Damn girl are you a graveyard because I'm dying to get in you
WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!
So an interviewer asked me where I saw myself in 5 years How should I know, I don't have 20/20 vision!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can't use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
What's the fastest drink in the world ? Sonic the eggnog.
Hunger Games. Zimbabwe's favorite pastime.
What's the best way to kick a habit today (day after Thanksgiving)? Cold turkey.
I organized a 3-some last night There were 2 no shows, but I still had a good time.
Wow I can't believe I stopped a girl from being raped tonight... I got exhausted and stopped chasing her.
What did we call IT before computers ? The Mail Room
One might say it smells like pussy in the room But if you ask a Redditor, they couldn't tell you.
"Yo dog, this yogurt is mad delicious." -Me, eating yogurt, and talking to my dog. I'm gonna die alone aren't I?
Why doesn't Barbie have any kids? Because Ken came in another box.
What do you do when your car is making a really annoying noise? Open the door and kick her out.
The kidnapper rang and said "10,000 and you get your wife back" "Negotiate with him!" advised the policeman "20,000 and she's all yours"
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..... and thinks, "some asshole has my pen"
Why do porn stars hate driving? Because people always pull out infront of them.
What's the difference between the UN and ISIS? The pension package.
What did one mouse say to the other mouse? I get a click out of you.
My jokes are so dark Whenever i use it it starts picking cotton.
What's the capital of Greece? About 15 cents.
What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa? Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.
Bill Gates And Windows John To Bill Gates: Can You Explain Me ... Your Surname Is "Gates" And You Are Doing Business Of "Windows"?
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
I was so shocked when my girlfriend called me a lazy piece of shit in Walmart the other day that I almost fell off my motorized scooter.
What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.
My purse is deeper than some people.
What's the difference between a freezer and a faget? When you pull your meet out of a freezer it doesn't fart
Some people think vomiting is hard... but I got threw it with flying colors.
Son's earring Dicks up my ass
Porn Ears? Q: What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're masturbating? A: Your ears.
What did the grape say when an elephant stepped on him? Nothing, he just let out a little wine.
I may not show up to work on time, but dammit I leave early.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter Me: yes that's right Interviewer: where at Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
How do you tell if someone is being a karma whore? EDIT: Wow I didn't expect this to become so popular!
Name the four seasons Shit, Summer, Shit, Shit
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she's in her early twenties.
Dirty Joke My sex life with my wife has started degrading. Guess it's time to Bury her corpse
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandpa... and not like the rest of the family screaming in the backseat
Which stretches further, human skin or rubber? Human skin! The Bible tells us Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked forty miles.
Why are black guys eyes red after sex? From the pepper spray.
What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday? Nun
*interview for new roommate* Ninja: I know it's a small place, but you won't even know I'm here.
What does Kim Jong-un have in common with gingers? No Seoul.
Why do tweakers do it doggy-style? So they can both look out the window.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. D:
The girls that say that all guys want is sex, are usually the ones who have only that to offer.
What idiot called it "CSI: France - Murder in a Bakery" instead of "Baguette and Tag It"
What do you call a black man with a pegleg SHIT ON A STICK *im going to hell*
Why couldn't Mark think of a dad joke? Mark is black.
Last week I had to fire my lawn maintenance workers. They just weren't cutting it.
Everyone's a contrarian these days... Well, except for me of course.
Kevin Ware's leg Unfortunately Kevin Ware and his leg did not display the same structure and elasticity as his brother Tupper
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A 1/4 pounder with cheese
Ever wonder why Dallas Cowboy fans are so rich? Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!
A woman walks into her doctor's office NSFW she ask's her doctor: is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex? her doctor replies: of course, how do you think lawyers are born?
I bought a fitbit that's connected to the GPS in my car. Even though I punch in coordinates to a restaurant, it always takes me to the gym.
Why are football grounds odd ? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !
My irony detector is defective. It detects everything except irony.
Change is inevitable Except when it comes to vending machines.
Did you hear about the fire on the Indian reservation? It was intense.
What's all natural, well balanced, and comes in pints? An elephant sitting on your fence masturbating.
I like the song "I want to be a billionaire" because it's about a millionaire wanting to be 1000 times richer. Sweet.
Someone just honked to get me to get out of my parking spot faster so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead
Ketchup Bottle Joke [Source Inside]
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
How many babies does it take to make light? 99, 98 get in a pile while 1 grabs a match and lighter fluid.
What do you say to pasta that gets thrown out? Hasta la pasta baby.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Asia ! Asia who ? Asia mum in?
Leonardo's Solution to "The Da Vinci Code" "Sibble. Stay id bed, dreeg pluddy ub fludes, taig eggstra Zinc ed Vidabid-C."
What are Muslim men's favorite mathematical equation? Inequalities
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Ack, ack, *choke*
Thank you student loans, for getting me through college... I don't think I can ever repay you!
What do you call trees that grow in Tobago? Tobogany.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Did you know that trampolines were originally called jumpolines? Until your mom got on one.
*sees guy having a heart attack* me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth! person: isn't that for diabetics? me: it's what I would want
that kid at the public pool who kept screaming at his mom to watch him jump in grew up to be a blogger
My girlfriend's dog died so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
What does a drunk police officer do? Protect and swerve.
Just locked eyes with a four year old boy while I violently choked on a piece of popcorn. He didn't look away. He would have watched me die.
My friends started to call me Carlos... because I lost my car.
Which cheese is the loneliest? Prov-alone!
What do you call a black guy who sells flowers? A florist.
What the difference between a ISIS member and a child? I don't know, I just fly the drones.
What do you call an organised rebellion with twice as many people as usual? A sedan d'etat.
Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and veterinarian? He has a sign on the door that says "Either way, you get your dog back."
My friend with dyslexia told me this today A dyslectic man walked into a bra.
Q: What kind of limes open doors? A: Key limes.
A female friend of mine recently got Tinder. Tinder: Where "Get laid tonight" isn't just something you see on pornsite banner ads.
What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch
What did the blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic boy get for Christmas? Cancer
I was thinking of buying the black iPad mini.. Apparently, it runs faster.
Another casualty of 2016... Ronda Rousey's MMA career
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn't even have hands.
Well well well. If it isn't old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.
Got arrested for playing the guitar. Because I was fingering A minor.
What do you call Kim Jong-un reading a Stephen King novel? Fearless Reader
Why did you drop the baby? Well Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby so I wanted to see if he did.
what did the homeless man get for christmas? hypothermia
The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave
Phil Hughs At least he died having a bat
Me: hello, police? I think I'm living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body... Crap! She just came in. Cat: *meow*
Where the woman's neck ends the infinity begins.
I'm not racist. I treat everybody like they're black.
What do two sushi say after one tells a lame joke? "Nigiri, please."
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis [Error: password too long] *high fives my laptop right off the desk*
There are three kinds of people... The ones who say the glass is half full, The ones who say the glass is half empty, And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass.
Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.
Have you heard about Betty the cow? She's outstanding in her field.
[birdwatching] Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I ordered at a Reddit Deli I messed up and ordered the wrong sub.
The Pirate Bay's founders go to jail, while the folks who make guns & cigarettes eat caviar in yachts. Legal system working as intended.
What do you call a 30 foot purple dinosaur named Fred who has acne and is scared of penguins? Fred.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Half of all bears are smarter than the average bear. It's not that big a deal.
There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
What do fish call a submarine? Unidentified Floating Object
We used to have a woman at my school who educated us about life in a certain east Asian country She was our Korea officer
Scientists have reached the conclusion that the owl has the most acute sense of hearing They clearly haven't experimented on men browsing porn while their wives are asleep.
*newspaper headline* BIDEN'S EMAIL HACKED -'it was easy' the hackers said 'his password was 'password'
"I've been waiting for this my whole life" I thought as the man pointed the gun at my head and demanded I recite "Bohemian Rhapsody"
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I'm wondering if I should have married her instead.
What does a pirate with back spasms say? Shiver me lumbars.
How is masturbation and brain damage similar? A few strokes and there's no going back.
Christmas lights remind me of my friends. They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef...
I have a monster under my bed. I sleep on the top of a bunk bed.
I installed anti-virus on my PC Now the damned thing has autism.
Her: What's your fantasy? Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
A guy calls 911 and says someone dropped a box on his head Dispatcher: "Is it empty?" Guy: "Yes it is" Dispatcher: "How about the box?" (my dad told me this yesterday)
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife.
Scientology has spaceships?! Crazy! I'll stick to my guy who parted the sea with his mind.
sure the Victoria's Secret models are pretty, but I bet not one of them ever finds a Cheeto in her bra
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I'm sword of a big deal.
Punny Jokes Penicillin is worth its weight in mold.  
I always thought a shih tzu was... a zoo without animals.
"Stop anthropomorphising me, bitch"- my cat, while i'm writing this.
Call 613-745-1576 for good time
Do you think Lincoln was good at pleasuring the ladies? If he was, did they call him the pounding father?
If you watch The Ring backwards it's about a young Asian girl who emerges from a well to start a 7 day VCR repair company.
I am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold.
Have you heard of that new film about the tractor? I've just seen the trailer.
What do you call a set of chairs kept outside in Ireland? Paddy O' Furniture
The reason we only have 1 moon is because if there were 2 they would look like a big pair of titys & everyone would die of horneyness
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
There's a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.
All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I don't like Goldfish crackers They're the snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off, and I don't think it should have to come to that.
What band is a cow favorite? Moody Blues
Why did god make homosexuality a sin? Because His boyfriend thought that would make it hotter.
What did Iron Man say when War Machine asked to come with him to the future? Rhodes? Where we're going, we don't need Rhodes.
Two beans on the east coast of Australia Ended up in Cairns.
Trampolines used to be called jumpolines... Then your mom jumped on one!
I was Saddam tired last night.... I slept like Iraq...
What do you call a street full of cheap hookers and a McDonald's? Quarter Pound Town.
Q: How do you kill a circus? A: Go for the juggler.
Someday I wish to experience the moment of joy that seems to only exist in Old Navy commercials.
Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didn't! They found me!
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
I was told I could view the eclipse through a colander. I think I strained my eyes
What do you call a tribal poet? Shake-A-Spear!
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What did the rich bearded slave owner say when he was stranded in the desert and saw a mirage of an Arabian lamp and rubbed it? here in my mirage got this brand new labor genie here
What to brussel sprouts and anal sex have in common? If they are forced on you as a child, you wont enjoy them as much as an adult
Apparently Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it.
I've had 6 cups of coffee and am about to shave my pet cactus
What does a West Virginia couple do on Halloween? They pump kin.
What's the difference between batman and a blackman? Batman can go to the store with out robin.
[girl's night out] WIFE: I'm off then ME: Okay WIFE: Don't do anything obtuse ME: Pfft - give me a break! {5 min later} ME *googling obtuse*
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Life is all about perspective The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
What do Jesus and a nerd have in common? Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.
If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it? The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?
What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work? Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!
How does Sherlock Holmes go to the bathroom? OC By process of elimination.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It's just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
What is the hottest part of a man's face? His sideburns.
What do you call someone who stands on the left side of an escalator? A fucking asshole.
Why would Trump not lose any votes if he shot someone? Because he doesn't have any in the first place
Have you seen that sexy taser? She's stunning.
Math Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.
Just got a job as a software engineer for the government! My career as a professional shit poster is really gonna take off
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Breaking: Brad and Angelina have broken up. Thousands of kids homeless.
Knock Knock Who's there ! C's ! C's who ? C's the day !
What is it called when there is bread all over the place? An abundance
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there? Him: Windows phone Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
/r/blackpeopletwitter is still dark /r/blackpeopletwitter
Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian? He has a sign on his door: "Either way, you get your dog back."
I'm glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Where is the only place engineers are considered artistic? Brooklyn
How Does Snoop Dogg Do His Laundry? He uses a lot of BLEAYOTCH!
Jeb! should be called WTC 7 Never reaching the heights of his namesakes, and falling down without being hit by anything.
if a single teacher cant teach us all subjects,how is a student supposed to learn all the fucking subjects?
A man goes to the zoo The only animal at the zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu
My relationship is complex. I'm try to keep it real but my girlfriend is imaginary.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club] *Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt* Hey baby, what's your name? "Robert"
I'm convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Happy new year!! Sorry I use internet explorer.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder - but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Look at your disgusting balls. That's LITERALLY exactly what Jesus wants them to look like. #Bible
What do you call that little white stuff on the top of bird shit? More bird shit. (Dad joke from the 70's)
I'd advise you graduates to keep your graduation gown. It's the only outfit you might not outgrow.
How did the metal get the wrong idea? He was misled.
What do you call a bear in the rain? Drizzly bear.
A crossdresser, a vegan and an athiest walk into a bar I only know because it's reposted every week
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Italy changes law to make all markets give unsold food to super needy keep it going
It is known... ..by everyone except Jon Snow. He knows nothing.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting. *Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat's back & everyone wonders why you're naked.
I can't wait until this election is over and we can go back to calling Trump supporters what they were originally called Racists
Have to make a funny comic for French class. Any topic suggestions?
Yo mama hair so short when she braided it  they looked like stiches.
The UPS guy tried to tell me a joke but I just didn't get it... Left after Attempted Delivery
A woman asks her Milkman to fill her bath with milk.. He asks "Do you want that milk pasteurised?", She replies "No, just up to my boobs please."
*standing by the turntables at the club* Her: are you the dj? Me: wha?... Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station
What is love? Baby don't hurt me.
Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.
What is Illinois known for? The three C's. Chicago, Corn, and Corruption.
Why are giraffes such good friends? They are always willing to stick their neck out for you.
What's the difference between an old Greyhound terminal and a lobster with double D breasts? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
I went to the movies yesterday, and I met the most insensitive homophobe there I mean, just the mere sight of me masturbating sent him off on a rant about "morals" and "his children" and "security".
Stevie Wonder got divorced several weeks back. Wonder if he's seeing anyone yet?
I'd like to thank my gps for making me feel like the star of an action movie every time it waits too long to tell me where to turn.
Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been*
what did the ranch say to the refrigerator? close the door, I'm dressing!
There's three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't. Which one are you??
It's all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband
How do you separate Greek men from Greek boys? With a crowbar.
Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French.
If Donald Trump becomes President... ... There will be hell toupee.
I do whatever I can to fight poverty So the other day, I punched a tramp (Courtesy of Milton Jones)
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
What do you call the crazy people who always hang out with musicians? Bass players
Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in.
If I have 10 pieces of bacon and you take half, what do you have? That's right, a black eye and my hatred.
I asked ny blind friend to read braille for me I guess every lego spells out "fuck you dude".
I almost got hit by a car today, but due to a swift maneuver I was able to not get hit. It was a Dodge.
What do Terrorist Witches ride? Boomsticks
Where should Aaron Hernandez have hidden the evidence? The Cowboys' endzone; because no one goes there
R/jokes Is the place you go when you wanna be put down by a bunch of assholes
Her phone display is brighter than her future.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can't believe it's 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
"Balls!" cried the queen. "If I had two I'd be king!" The king laughed. He had to.
If I'm ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Why is Santa's sack so full? Because he only comes once a year
Unbelievable! Just checked the roster and I've got to work Christmas Eve from midnight. If it wasn't for all the free wine and altar boys I'd seriously jack-in this 'priest' malarkey.
My wife walked in on me having sex with our daughter I don't know what shocked her the most; the fact I was having sex with our daughter or the abortion clinic gave me the fetus.
Did you hear the one about the German who couldn't find his fruit cake? It was Stollen.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market  - Banjo Barbie ...complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs  cassette
pretending this is a healthy protein shake even though it's just 15 pancakes I threw into a blender
Little Susie Why did little Susie fall off the swing? She didn't have any arms. Knock knock. *Who's there?* Not little Susie.
Dating a homeless girl I can just drop her off anywhere after the date right?
Why was the chronic masturbater restrained to his hospital bed? He kept trying to discharge himself
How did Metallica get their band name? They Bonded over lunch.
People who shave their heads... I think people who shave their heads are really just saying, "I want a bigger forehead."
What have 70 teeths and 2 eyes? -An alligator. Now what have 2 teeths and 70 eyes? -A retirement home.
How much space is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
Why do we keep putting criminals behind bars? putting criminals behind bars seems like a bad idea once you consider all the alcohol they're now next to
I'm for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I'm worth.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words.. "Stop shaking the ladder you little shit"
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
It's weird how we are all here because of boners
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I'm ok with a 5km but really don't like 10km.
breathed a little air through my nose when thought of this http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3szbjn/
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he's got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I arrived at the annual premature ejaculation society. They said, "Your early sir"? I replied, "I know, I came on the bus"
Whenever someone says they did something "like a boss" I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are taking credit for it.
What Do You Call A Mexican From The Caribbean? A Carabiner
The debates flipped gender roles. Last night we saw an argument between a woman who wanted to talk facts, and a man who only wanted to talk about his feelings.
Prison escape A dwarven psychic escaped from prison, an alert went out there was a small medium at large
Don't ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don't want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.
[hears wife approaching while I read son bedtime story] the prince hugged the dragon..[hears wife walk away] ok, basically a retweet is whe
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!
What do you call a bee that comes from the United States? USB.
We're sneaking a couple 40s into Toy Story 3. We'll be the ones howling in the back anytime someone says, "Woody."
If you wait long enough, every cool thing starts to suck.
What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach? Flop-Flops :)
Do you know what you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino? **Elephino**!
I saw Home Alone for the first time today and now I'm thinking about anything else I've been putting off since 1990.
A programmer's wife sends him to the store and says "get some bread, and while you're there pick up some eggs." The programmer never returns.
My girlfriend agreed to give me a blowjob Oral consent
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Why is Africa so bad at cricket? Because they only have Ebola!
Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work? 'Cause it had a hard drive.
What do you call a patronising scam artist, walking down stairs? A condescending con descending.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe? me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I paid $10 and got $20 worth of fishing supplies. It was a net gain.
69'd the wife then went to buy donuts after. The guy at the counter said he already knew what I wanted, so I asked how..... He said "You had 'glazed' all over your face. "
Guy went to the toilet, took the piss.
My mother told me I was so good at arguing that I should be a lawyer. I said bullshit!
3 Nuns Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man approaches them and exposes himself to them. Two of the nuns have a stroke but the third one couldn't reach.
What comes after the night of the Superbowl? The Superbowel
Where do old bowling balls end up? In the gutter!
I recently took up meditation..... It beats sitting around doing nothing
What does the hippie say when you tell him to get off your couch? Namaste (better to say it aloud)
Why do the 3rd Italian Navy use glass-bottomed battleships? So they can look at the 2nd Italian Navy! *[Sorry if you are offended]* Edit: Grammar
It started snowing so everyone ran over to the window to see. I went and banged their heads against the window. Most fun I've had all day.
Since women are shorter....are they more genetically suited to scrub the toilet? funny or not
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen.
I've been eating a lot of pineapple lately, you know what that means... I have a pineapple flavored sock under my bed.
What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.
Where do 4 gay guys go? One Direction
Knock Knock "Who's there?" "I am a pileup" "I am a Pileup who?" "Exactly...." (Badum Tss)
What's the difference between the US and Russian Presidents? US presidents get shot while Russian presidents take shots.
Why can't orphans play baseball? they don't know where home is
What do you call... What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? -Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? -Dick in your mouth.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Nostalgia It really isn't what it used to be.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go "ahh makes sense"
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? A: Saves time.
So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money
Why did the remorseful child-molester paint his toe-nails? He thought it would be a pedicure. ^^^sorry.
Two grizzlies are out grocery shopping... Then one grizzly turns around and says to the other : "it's kinda quiet in here today dont you think?"
Why don't Jewish guys give oral sex? It's too close to the gas chamber.
I live at the top of an 80 story building made of ihop pancakes and I pour burning hot maple syrup on anyone that tries to eat my home
What do Africans want to be for Halloween? Not infected.
There was a royal baby... The royal baby was born 8 pounds, 6 ounces. With the exchange rate, that's like 12.50, American.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[Pharrell eating at Arby's] "I want a new look" Like a new hair cut? "Something crazier" *notices the hat in the Arby's logo* "I've got it!"
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don't "like" themselves.
What do you call a Mexican working at Tim Hortons? a Filipino
HER: I think we should see other people. ME: I don't. We're awful. We should leave other people alone.
Why do men like BMWs? Because they can spell it. LOL LOL
My attempt at a joke? My mum is going through Labour and my dad says: "Could Ukip already?"
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? denim denim denim ( say to tune of Mario song )
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Pollinator? I barely even nectar!
Why should you never eat your girl out in the morning? Ever pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
One positive of Arnold Palmer's passing... He's six under for the first time in years...
Just once, wouldn't it be good to hear an athlete thank Natural Selection for his team's victory?
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why are the Soviets Russian? Because there's no Stalin.
What do you call a symphony of whales? An orcastra
I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it -- it just fell and ran away. I was all, 'Oh my God, he knows what I look like.'
Mexican jokes aren't funny There's a border between humor and racism.
Who do zombie cowboys fight?  Deadskins.
Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? No? Be careful, there's a small medium at large.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a 'dignified' cover up...!!
What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ? It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture of Jesus Christ
What's the difference between a Kindle and a Kindle Fire? The Kindle Fire has a lithium battery.
Why don't you hear Django's penis talk during the movie? The D is silent.
Dipping dots, more like garbage dots. Go back to the future, dipping dots
Girl I'm so sorry your parents died, was it Kony? Oh a bus accident. Was Kony driving the bus
What do you call a dog that can preform magic? A Labracadabra.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
Request: Jokes about tall people I'm 6'6" and I need some jokes for the pub.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
"Your name is Duck?" It's Doug. "Yeah. Duck" Doug. "Duck?" DouGGG "Got it. Duck" Go fuGG yourself "Haha. Classic Duck"
I wanted to propose to her. I wanted to propose her.I gave her a ring.What the heck,she won't pick up the phone.
A pirate with a parrot on his shoulder was applying for a job. His resume spoke for itself.
Ahmed went to have a Falafel. He asked the guy making the sandwich not to put any pickles in it. The guy replies "But we're fresh out of pickles! How about no tomatoes instead?"
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, feminists can't change anything!
Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.
[interviewing cave bat] me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down? Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Fighting Fire with Fire Have you ever heard the phrase "fight fire with fire"? Have you ever actually tried that? I have, you know what happens? You just get a much larger fire.
Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus? A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.
I'm not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.
What's the difference between me and Jimmy Kimmel? I can make it to the end of a Jimmy Kimmel joke without laughing.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me? Piglet: for the last time, u don't get a literal "honey" moon Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Michael Brown, Freddie Gray... The police really don't like colored people.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this SPIDER: you've got 2days
Avoided a copay by having my annual physical at Antiques Roadshow. Clean bill of health, plus I found out I'm worth $150.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
What's a calender's favorite fruit? Dates.
Guy: Hey I want to be part of you girl.  Girl: sorry, I already have an asshole!
The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.
I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"... He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
love i have been in love with the same woman for 17 years now....if my wife ever finds that out she will kill me!
How do you make a door cry? You twist its knob. edit: grammar
My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..
I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance. Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we're 40 & kids haven't stopped whining, we'll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can't find us
What do you call a snake who works in the government? A civil serpent.
I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock But it's in his ass and belongs to Usher
"I don't even own a toilet." - hipster who went too far
What does Barbie say when the drought finally ends? It's raining Ken, hallelujah....
Theres no 'u' in family. Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.
"I don't watch tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
You had me at: I'm calling the police.
*slams fists on coffee table* WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
Two clowns walking in the street The first clown tells the second clown "Look out, a hole!". The seconds responds "Which hooooooooooooooooooo...."
What do you call a book case hogging all the books? Shelf-ish
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
Come to the Dark Side... We have Girl Scouts! ... I mean, we have Brownies! ... Dang it, I mean, we have COOKIES
Open letter to the mods of /r/Jokes [deleted]
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69, she has a frog in her throat.
I think my coworkers are gay Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass"
Regretting that I didn't install a GPS locator on the baby, because man this Hooters is a big place.
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football ? Fiver side !
What is Donald Trump's idea of an "employee discount"? Waived fees at a slave auction.
Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.
TIL that the average mans penis is still larger than the recent study of average global penis size.
Why is Kim Jong-un so bad? He has no Seoul
How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? Change? Why do we need change? (It's cool, I go to a Lutheran church)
Enjoy your animal shaped biscuits. Do not eat if seal is broken.
At school today, the teacher pointed to me with a ruler, The teacher said "There is in idiot at the end of this ruler!" So i asked "Which end?"
If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
A dyslexic man walks into an Arab.
A Sausage and an egg in a frying pan. Sausage says: 'It's hot in here.' Egg replies: 'A talking sausage!'
The '80s called: They want you stop anthropomorphizing decades.
Wanna hear a medically incorrect racist joke? Glaucoma is short for driving like Asians syndrome
So the bus driver said to the string "Are you a string?" and the string said "No I'm afraid not". (A frayed knot).
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth. -Steve Buscemi
Wife: "Do you think of me when you're away  darling?" Husband: "Yes honey I always bare you in mind."
Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
Why do Mexicans not take Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on the same day? Because they have to give the donkey a break at some point.
Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper would make them sneeze!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the restroom? Because their P is silent.
A man walks into a bar... A girl says hello.....
My wife made pancakes but they were totally lumpy and it's like, do you even sift bro?
10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Sigh....trying to watch the game here Julie.
How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Protesters never change anything.
I saw a lake monster!!! He was walking up out of the water and onto the shore!!! Littorally!!!
I had no idea Instagram was down until a girl in front of me at Starbucks cancelled her order, saying "Instagram is down it's useless"
What is a wolf's favourite dance move? The Shuffle ... pack of wolves.
I was gonna tell a sodium joke but... NA
Hot air rises That explains why Donald Trump is so popular.
What do you call a worthless priest? holy shit.
If pro and con are opposites... Is progress the opposite of Congress?
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. Im too lazy to do either.
Turkey; you are approching to our border! Russia;cyka -stay out of our border! -blyat https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CUkGFOhWsAAKvkB.png
Sleep is my drug....my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
I tried smuggling child porn across the border once.... and i would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those fucking kids!
[blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
What happened when the Orange slept with the skanky Lemon? He got Lemonaids.
Don't you hate it when people mirror your joke and get all the credit? p  ll  pu o no o ldod u   no ,uop
Georgie Porgie puddin 'n pie, jerked off on his girlfriend's eye, when her eye was all stuck shut, Georgie fucked that one eye slut!
Why did the audience hate the pedophile guitarist? Because he broke a G string while fingering a minor
What did one tree say to the other? Nothing. They bark.
Time Machine I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
There are two reasons I don't give money to the homeless 1. They use it for drugs and alcohol. 2. I need it for drugs and alcohol.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff. Baa-dum-tssss.
I can tell we still live in a sexist society because... Doctors still make more money than nurses.
What I if told you... ... you read the first line wrong?
Hey girl is your dad in jail... ...Because if I was your dad, I would be
Why is the Ocean blue? Because the fish go blublublu.
[couples therapy] HER: He's always talking down to me ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
All the while you have been waiting for 2016.. and suddenly comes 2015S :D
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
What's the first step in making Bronco cookies? Beat em in a bowl for three hours.
Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket
[girlfriend talking to me but I can't hear her over crunch of my cereal] "I think we should see other people" Yeah sure thing, babe
Optimus Prime signs a contract with the devil He then turns to the autobots. "Autobots, soul out!"
[home depot] employee[yelling]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
What do you call a french soul singer? Beret White
What do you call a chicken that's looking at a cabbage? Chicken sees a salad.
What does a gay guy and a freezer have in common? Both get packed with meat. I'll show myself out.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire? A bunny with money.
There's a sale at the Maul Everything's half off
What do you call a Spider-man that is a valet? A Peter Parker
A blonde once shot an arrow into the air... but  missed!
What do you get when you finger a gypsy on her period? Your palm red for free
Two college grads are standing at a counter... The one says to the other "I'll have a number 6, super sized"
Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can't wait to see Ariel with the crabs. Now I'm questioning which section I bought that DVD.
Waiter what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad? Not him again he's in here every night !
What is the difference between a poker card and Africa? The sooner is the Ace of Spades and the latter, a Space of AIDS.
I said to my wife Barb, You make an excellent point.'
*Tucks shirt in* "Goodnight, shirt."
What is the difference between a girl from London and a Kitkat? You only get 4 fingers in a Kitkat.
This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door. My plumber has a weird sense of humour.
What kind of books do fruit read? Pulp Fiction
This joke is best told with a german accent Why did my grandfather cross the road? -to occupy France
A fish is swimming down a river when it hits its head on a big wall of stone and says "dam."
Squirrels  nature's speed bumps.
Women are like condoms... ...they spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.
What's the fastest cake in the world?  Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.
One of my favorites from Fallout 3: I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.
How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 13\. Number 9 will shock you!
I hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.
To a guy who said that my jokes about animals are bad I can't bear with it.
Why don't Jewish men eat pussy? Because it's too close to the gas chamber.
I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
Where does Sean Connery shit? On the couch!
7: mommy can I play on your computer? Me: later 7: what do you mean by later? Me: I'm hoping you forget.
Penguins can't fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don't have to clean penguin shit off my car.
How many black men does it take to feed a family? Just one, if you eat the whole thing.
Did you hear about the guy who didn't accomplish anything in his life? Neither did I.
How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes three episodes.
"No degrees of separation" - what I'll whisper to Kevin Bacon after I climb over his security fence at 3am and slip into his bed naked.
No one, NO ONE, hates their life more than the dude driving a minivan with the stick figure family decals on the back window.
What do you call a virgin in West Virginia? An only child....
Unless: -The house is on fire -The cops are about to kick down the door -Or you're ordering food Do NOT talk to me while I'm on the toilet
What's a large bird hiding in the bushes called? A lurkey turkey.
Money is the root of all wealth.
A photon checks into a hotel... A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. Photon replies: "No, I'm traveling light"
What is mitosis? Those are the things on the ends of my feetsis. Thought of this during my last bio exam.
My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?) Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.
Before you send that mass "Merry Christmas!" text don't.
What's a hippies favorite animal? An elk. He's got the E. the L. and the K.
Guy in wheelchair spotted on Google Earth lol
What do you call the teacher who lost her baby? Miss Carriage
So I looked up Jewish porn the other day... But all I found was ash to mouth.
Exchanging sexual favors for karma Humpvotes
How to make pasta: -Boil water. -Put what you think couldn't possibly be too much pasta in the pot. -Wrong. -Start an Italian restaurant.
Q: What happens when a professor teaches for a decade? A: He gets Tenyear.
Took a nap. Think the nap store manager saw me take it. Freaking out.
Joke If I had a quarter for every time someone called me racist I would eventually be robbed by a black guy.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid? Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ? That's not me..I'm the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I once walked in on my brother having sex with my girlfriend. Needless to say I deflated her and threw her in the trash.
How do you make a dead baby float? 2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
Why did the fish sink? (This joke composed by my seriously autistic friend Neil, who LOVES jokes) Because it was a brick.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Why did the mobster buy a planner? So he could organize his crime
What war did a fat person fight in? Viet-nom-nom-nom
Playboy Magazine has announced that they will no longer publish nude pictures in their magazine. O, The Oprah Magazine, has vowed to pick up the slack.
What's Hitler's favourite VW? A Golf
HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO, OR AS IT'S KNOWN AS IN ARIZONA, "CINCO DE WHAT-O? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST-O, PACO"
Whats a plants favorite drink? Root Beer
Really wanted the day off, so I text my boss Me: I can't come in today. I'm sick Boss: How sick are you?  Me: Well I'm currently in bed with my sister......
Why can you RAN in a campsite, but never RUN in a campsite? Because it's always past-tents.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I'm saying is Batman is a douche
Where do flying pigs land? the airpork!
An angry cell walks into a bar... Smoking a cigarette the cell orders a drink. When the barman turns around the cells were three. "Tumor!"
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face
I require Latvian Jokes Please, they're so funny.
I stayed at my girlfriends house the other day but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together Which was a shame because he's really fit
Hannibal Lecter has opened a Turkish resutrant. They only serve Organ Doners
You know what's a shame? A bus carrying lawyers and politicians going off a cliff and everyone on board dying. You know what's a damn shame? There was an empty seat in the back. Edit: details.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid the approaching feminist.
How hungry do you have to be to eat feces? ...just hungry enough to get McDonald's.
My wife's always walking into things and getting hurt. Today it was our bedroom while I was fucking her sister.
What did the slave master say to his slaves when they didn't want to make shoes anymore? "Just Do It"
Sad that Batman's never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I hate it... I hate it when people say something online and don't take credit for it. Pussies.     Anonymous
I've always wanted to rewrite history but couldn't decide on the font..
What do you call an Iguana that can't stand up straight? Ereptile Dysfunction.
Afraid to fly? It's perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov't employees forced to work the holidays. Merry Xmas.
Dirty joke Do you know who the biggest whore in history is? Mrs. Pacman. For a quarter, that bitch would swallow balls 'till she died.
Apparently this is the letter "v" in Chinese:  ... Lets see you try to fly in that shape American birds.
What if ants aren't insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler.... The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust
What's a rebel's favorite key on a keyboard? An R key.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Did you see the movie about oil and water? It's immiscible.
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.
What do you call fast food emergencies? Emergen-cheese. :3
Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff. Bud dum tsss
How does the Asian chef get to work? He woks.
Already resenting that I have to wake up tomorrow.
Why won't the pimp date any of his girls? Because he doesn't want to get involved with a cockworker.
so then the horse says "Buddy, if you think my FACE is long..."
What's the difference between bacteria and rednecks? When looking at bacteria you can actually find some culture.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?  A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Where does a king keep his armies? Up his sleevies
Bitch, shut up and look riveted as shit while I get stoned and talk about crossbows for like three hours.
What happened when the host of Dirty Jobs said hello to a friend that was fairly far away? Microwave.
I saw on Facebook my ex wanted to get into water sports I recommended waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay
When Fnatic plays on fy_snow... OLAFmeister gets an ace
Cats are just fuzzy plants that hate you.
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken pulls out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, upset, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
"There is no 'I' in team!" Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.
studies show.... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
'maybe the world wasn't ready for pizza perfume' i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other
What do bulimic stone masons do? Binge and parge.
What's a pedophile's favourite chord? A minor.
Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women ? Sister: Man-eating sharks.
Him: This house is perfect for us! Her: What about the kids? Him: You're right. We'll have to put them up for adoption
A man walks into a bar... OUCH
You know what keeps me up at night? Pauly Shore has turned down more hot women than I will ever, ever meet. Pauly. Shore.
Diner: Waiter please close the window. Waiter: Why is there a draft? Diner: Yes it's blown my steak off the plate three times.
Why did the bicycle stop moving? Because it was two-tiered.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.
How do you spot a modern spider ? He doesn't have a web he had a website !
If a wife is silent and not arguing  it means she's sleeping.
"These boobs are made for walking!" -Inventor of FootBoobs.
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own. I still do, but I used to too.
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? For Drizzle.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension  headache? A bad mood!
What do a Pediatrician and Podiatrist have in common? Their patients are 2'
Why don't the Chinese have casinos? Because they don't like Tibet
What is Stephen Hawking's favorite snack? His left shoulder
How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...
What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone.
A long joke JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE
Why are farmers so afraid of aliens? Tractor beams.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone "Target is on the move."
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-antdead-antdead-ant
Where will everyone be sitting at Carrie Fisher's funeral Pew Pew Pew
"Wanna see videos from my vacation?" *shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge "This is the wrong video" "No this is right"
What is it called when a criminal gets excited? A Con-Yay!
Do you have any naked pictures of your girlfriend on your phone??? No?? Want me to send some to you?
What's your new years resolution? Mine's 1920x1080.
4 story building in Philadelphia being demolished collapses on top of Goodwill store with 14 people inside. One dead, thirteen injured, twenty-nine taken to the hospital.
What does a muslim man call a woman he wants to sleep with, but can't due to religious reasons? Harambae
What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest? Father Les. And yes, as a matter of fact, I am a dad.
Can I ask you something?
Saw a guy masturbating on the bus today... Where does he get off?!? (credit to Hampton Yount)
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs? WR: A woman steals a couple's baby WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
What is the difference between Reddit and a fetish party? You might actually get me to sub here.
What do pregnant women and prostitutes have in common? (w)hormones! NB: inspired by my hormonal pregnant wife.
Whats the worst thing you could say as a doctor? I have over 300 confirmed kills
Last week I dropped my camera into the toilet The pictures were even shittier than usual
What did O say to Q? "Hey! Put that thing back in your pants!"
Babe, you're like a camera. Everytime i look at you, i shutter.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged a little
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
Did you hear about the lesbian with no arms? She couldn't hold her licker.
[first day as homicide detective] Cop: any signs of forced entry? Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
What is the biggest battery size? The D. It's huge.
What do you call the horse that lives next door? Your NEIGHHHbor Credit: 6y/o nephew
You're mother is so stupid... ... She threw water on the computer to put out a flame war!
"I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!"
Q: "How long were you at your last job?" A: "Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now"
I work as a product designer for a condom company. This annoying frog keeps advising me on my designs. "Rib it! Rib it!"
In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is  I don't have such a principle.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma) PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward) PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward) R: NO grandmas
What do you call a tv show about female puberty? A Breasted Development
If a dog tells you you're dreaming... believe him.
1. Hide babies all over house. 2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.
A thief broke into my house last night. He was searching for money, ...so I woke up and started searching with him.
When the boy broke his knee, where did he go to get a new one? At the butcher shop, where they sell kid-knees.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest? Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded. .
What do you call a shy rapper? Lil' Confidence
"I'm sorry Mickey, I can't file divorce just because you think Minnie's silly." "Your honor, I don't think you understand. She's *fucking* Goofy!"
Construction worker not wearing his safety gear [NSFW]
A sincere apology is like coffee. Don't talk to me beforehand.
What do you call the bad part of Italy? The spaghetto.
What did the geologist say when he got a rock for his birthday? I appreciate the sediment.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don't have to be there
I named my phone "The Titanic...." So when I plug it in to charge it says, "The Titanic is syncing"
What did gangster Pooh said to gangster Tigger? "Tigga please!" Sorry, I heard it years ago. I don't remember where or when but I've just been saying alot lately. :p
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meat patty! Thought of you guys!
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today
I went to my highschool reunion and came across a woman I'd never seen before. Luckily she didn't notice.
I'll tell you what's a dangerous insect... ....That Hepatitis Bee
When you say "liar liar pants on fire," it makes you a liar too. Their pants probably aren't on fire
What do you call a french person masturbating? Jacques-ing off.
My boss told me that I have to stop masturbating at work. I didn't think my patients minded.
Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal's ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?
Roses... Roses are red violets are blue - I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven't answered her email and she wouldn't know the new address to send it to.
[pun] I wanted to be a personal trainer... But I was too scrawny and had to hand in my too weak notice. (Credits to Adrian, badass Chef)
A 6'-6" guy doesn't scare me, but my 5'-1" wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
What do lightning bolts do when they laugh?  -They crack up
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
How do you know when the Moon is going broke? When it's down to it's last quarter.
[Serious] Have any animals besides humans been shown to exhibit humor in their social interactions? Looking for anyone with specific knowledge of this. Any zoolologists out there?
I got depressed last night so I called a self help hotline... I couldn't get through, the line was always busy.
How much energy does hova's DeLorean require? 1.21 jigga watts
I started a company that sells land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
My uncle wanted to give all his sheep a sex change... But it entailed too many ramifications!
Riding horses is fun and all, but... ...let's be on a steer.
Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted? Me: No, I'm toasted enough for both us. In fact I'm kind of hoping it can drive me home.
My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?
What do japanese men do when they have erections? Vote
[hitting on hot babe in bar] ".. You're 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you're not gonna believe this.."
[in a bar] Him: Trouble is my middle name. Me: wow... That's a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents. Him: *breaks down crying
I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set
What is a Jewish person's favorite nut? A cashew.
Best part about marriage? NO MORE CONDOMS!!! Worst part about marriage? No more sex.
My driving teacher asked me where the gas is. Second door on the right.
What does a cat call its black best friend? Its Maine Coon.
A couple of tampons are sitting on the bathroom counter A pair of condoms walk in and one says to the other: "I think we have an in here" the other replies: "nah mate, they're both stuck up cunts"
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it will be a foot!
How do you make a 4D printer? Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.
I won a competition where you had to make as many Freudian slips as you could in sixty seconds. It was a race against the cock.
If you're only18, please don't tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving.
LPT: If you couldn't fit all of the planets in the planetary alignment in one shot Try backing up a bit
Apple scraps a new product... I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.
*buys almond milk* "I'm gonna get healthy!" *drinks almond milk* "This is gross." *pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk* "Perfect."
I heard a woman remarking that she had worn "the wrong bra today". Ladies, as long as there are boobs in it, the bra is always right.
Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say? It's grown on me.
video games hav a negative effect on children they teach them to learn and adapt to any world they find themselves in adn overcome obstacles
Which popstar cuts down trees? Michael LumberJackson
league of legends joke I think I'm better than faker lolll - alex
What's red, 6 inches long and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her. Her miscarriage.
Why did the the acrophobe pothead start screaming? She's afraid of heights.
What do you call a German jerk? Deutschebag
I like my women like I like my alcohol... XXX.
Places I'd Rather Not Live - Paradox, New York - Crapo, Maryland - Boogertown, North Carolina - Spasticville, Kansas - Hellhole, Idaho - Purgatory, Maine - Girdletree, Maryland - Rabbithash, Kentucky
That's the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he's a wizard.
Did you hear Microsoft have started giving away Office free to parents? Word to your mother.
Batman V Superman 2: Both men agree their last battle was too destructive They settle their differences by playing Uno Loser leaves earth
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I'm dating Madonna now.
For David Blaine's next trick, he will move in to a series of increasingly small apartments and eventually die alone.
A wife comes home and says, "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!" The guy says, "Great darling. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?" She says, "I don't care, get out!"
What do you call an action of copyright law against a ghost? An exor-*cease and desist*.
Diarrhea is hereditary In runs in the jeans
If I was in StarWars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.
Doctor, Doctor!! I think my wife is dead. What do you mean you "think" she's dead, either she is or she isn't. Well, the sex is the same but the dishes in the sink are piling up.
What is one thing you always get on your birthday? Older
As a kid on summer nights I'd capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say "please buy me a sega this does nothing for me"
What did the topic sentence say to the evidence? Why aren't you supporting me?
What do you get... ... when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and and agnostic? [Answer](/s "Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog")
Hey hedgehogs, how about leaving some hedges for the rest of us?
The Jolly Green Giant is into bondage. I guess you could call him a collared green.
A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a drink, and then asks for a mop.
How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the guy who's pushing it.
What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAAAAINS!
A mod joke. (Pls mods, just don't delete). [deleted]
Slave: I know a way to escape Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven't heard of it. It's really underground.
Society's a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.
Ever heard about that movie called Constipation? It never came out.
I'm diabetic, so could you pour some Splenda on me instead?
Girls that don't care about size are just shallow.
How can you spot the blind man at the nude beach? It ain't hard
I got a cat the other day. I had to swerve, but I got it.
Snooki doesn't like her nickname. OK. What's another name for a drunken slut? Damn. Paris Hilton is already taken.
I have a dog that can perform magic tricks. i call him Houndini..
If a powerlifter has weak legs... does his coach put him on the Bench?
A boy asks his mum why he was getting Christmas presents in August His mum replied "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy. "
Fortune tellers I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Latest Apple news: Tablet rumours a hoax. Apple to unveil new iPhone with rotary dial in plan to dominate senior demographic.
Home alone tonight The fridge is making weird noises I think the beer wants out....
What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen? The Ink-credible Hulk.
I started two diet plans today Because one wasn't enough to fill my appetite.
What do West Africans eat for dinner. Ebola soup.
You know what's funny about Internet Explorer? Punch line buffering...
pranking neighborhood teens by pulling my car into their driveway & putting a bow on it so they think their parents bought it for them
Who's got two thumbs and might be doing this police lineup wrong?
I just got one of those workout watches apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers? WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ....Chicken pox
I'm high as a kite tied to Columbia... ...will explode any time.
Twitter has messed me up. Now when someone says something I like in real life, I gently place my hand on their face and whisper "favorite".
George Washington's bark was from the same tree as his bite.
He asked: how do you feel about sex? She replied: Well i like it infrequently. He said: is that one word or two?
I went to a bulimic birthday party. First time I've seen the cake come out of the girl.
You can't go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White's apple and your ex.
How is the Quran like weed? Burning that shit will get you stoned.
If I take a bite of your food at a restaurant and your food is better than my food, just be aware that our relationship is now in danger
ME: WOW! Bigfoot! BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot M: U call us Smallfoot? BF: U have small feet M: no, urs r big BF: mine r normal M: huh BF: see ya
Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink? 5yo: I don't have poison on my fingers! Me: But why did you....wait, what?
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Elephino. (You may have to sound it out.)
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat belt
There were four cats in a boat one jumped out. How many were left ? None. They were all copy cats !
confucius say man who run in front of car get tired man who run behind car get exhausted
Why are gay people always confused? It's because they are not thinking straight.
Imagine how trendy the clothes are at New Navy.
A lier, crook, and murderer walks into a bar.... The bartender asks, "What'll it be, Mrs. Clinton?"
This hot girl "punched"me in the dick this afternoon She only gently touched it, but it's all swollen up now :/
How many Vietnam vets does it take the screw in a light bulb? THAT'S RIGHT!!! YOU DON'T KNOW; BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you...
I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said 'do not eat'. That was close.
My wife says she is really looking forward to the hotel... But I have my reservations.
I asked an LAPD officer to tell me a joke All he said was "Black teenagers civil rights"
There's a dead squirrel in the driveway. Mrs. Liebowitz is worried that the death might be gang-related. She's checking FOX News to be sure.
Yo mama so old That she's still carbon dating.
Where's the best place to buy jive cheese? Monterey, Jack!
TIL How to Time Travel And man do I miss Reddit.
It's like my father always used to say, "[years of silent disappointment]"
What is the poo from a fish with no dad called? bassturd
Since Walking Dead isn't on I've hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I'm shooting them with paint ball guns.
Concentration Camps (x-post from /r/Poems) Guess Who? It's a Jew Concentration camps for You! Boo Hoo! It's a Haiku F*** You. Edit: I know it's not a haiku.
FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner?  SECOND MONSTER: Yes everyone's been eaten.
Why didn't Jesus get into college? He got hung up on the boards.
What's a commercial fisherman's favorite instrument? Castanets!
The problem with other people's money. The problem with other people's money is that it's tainted. 'tain't yours and 'tain't mine.
Devil worshipper leader: "Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon." Stan: "Hey there."
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I'm throwing pebbles at your face.
Wanna hear a good joke? My sex life! Excuse me while I cry now..
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? SLOTH: *Points to another part of the building* Around there maybe
Why does Bob Ross not use a condom? Because he doesn't make mistakes, only happy little accidents.
Why did the giraffe cross the highway? Because he bumped his head on the low-way! I guess we're doing 4 year old's jokes today :)
Boss: Where were you born? ME: MERICA Boss: which part? ME: What 'which part'? The whole body was born in MERICA.
[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
I have a pet tree... It's just like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.
Baby seal So, a baby seal walks into a club... ... ...
I was so disappointed when I found out my ants were farming weed
What did Uranium-238 say to Helium when they first met? IDK
I've got one for you. Game of War. Hardcore? Maybe if you're my mom.
What do you call it when you spill your morning drive-through beverage on your virus scan software? Getting McCafe on McAfee
How could Donald Trump support Mitt Romney? Didn't he know Romney was made in Mexico?
I was told I look like a nazi soldier... And I said, "no, this is a Wehrmacht uniform".
What's black underneath and white on top? Society.
Roses are red, violets are blue.... does this rag smell like chloroform to you? ,
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A candy baa
Why do american bears have forelimbs? They have the right to bear arms
What do Asians do during an erection? They vote
Why don't blacks take cruises? They ain't falling for that shit again.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor.
What is 1 + 1? 3 if you don't use protection.
What's online, about to comment, and very judgmental?
Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch? Because the charges wooden stick. My humblest apologies. * The case! Drop the case! Ah fuckit.
What do you call gasoline that comes in first place? Win Diesel
Get student loans so that you can go to college and get a job to pay off your student loans.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?! [Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
What time is it? http://youtu.be/mHyRCeKxhss This is an animated joke. I hope a video submission flies here.
What kind of STD does a bird get? Chirpies. :-)
Girls with huge boobs will never know if they're really interesting.
The word on the street is... ...yield. -&amp;y (of course my corny self wrote that.)
Women find me ugly till I tell them I make millions of dollars... What I don't mention is that I am talking about Zimbabwe dollars!
I'm sure there'll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams' death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
*Looks up from pestle and mortar "Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!"
I also like my coffee like I like my women ...ground up and in the freezer
A blonde said to her friend while driving "I got a compliment on my driving today," said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said "parking fine".
If Beethoven's music had base in it... He would be basethoven.
Who'd win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.
America has never been a homophobic nation.. He grew up with 4 fathers.
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather ? Skate !
What do robots put at the bottom of their e-mails? Yours tin-sincerely.
I watched my first Porn the other day I looked so much younger back then!
Please don't type Part A backwards It's a trap!
If olive oil is made with squished up olives and nut oil is made with squished up nuts... What's baby oil made from?
I asked my pusher for something to burn that would get me stoned. He gave me the Koran.
What did the letter O say to the letter Q? "Hey, your dick is hanging out"
Do insurance companies consider property damages caused by ISIS... an act of god?
What's the difference between a run-down bus stop and a big-breasted lobster? One is just a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean!
Abdul the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7pm. On the dot......
After months of practice, I can finally touch my toes. (By telling them that they are beautiful.)
My 13 year old son told me this last night. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on this morning!
What can walk over the water, but can travel under the water without getting wet? Jesus in a submarine.
I really want to make a joke about Luis Suarez but I don't want to upset Liverpool fans.F*ck it. Why is Luis Suarez a c*nt? Because he lives in Liverpool.
What is a ginger author doing when they plant a misleading clue in their book? Red hairing.
I don't understand why certain people don't get communist jokes All it takes is a little common sense.
Why can't you trust 8? cause she's a two-timin' four.
I like my coffee like my women... Piping hot and all over my lap in the McDonald's drive thru (backs away very slowly, opens door without turning around, lurks out...)
I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order
i can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. go around!
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Be careful! Someone's using this sub to target victims He's a real predditor
What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? The cheerleader in my trunk.
[shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*
I want transition lenses that turn black whenever someone starts talking to me.
If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now I would have a small loan of a million dollars
Why should civil war be taken seriously? Because it's Syria's business.
Make the little things count....... teach mathematics to midgets
I think Facebook is ruining my life. I'm going to log off and I'm not coming back...for at LEAST an hour!
When your friends start with the Dead Baby jokes, hit them with this (NSFW): How do you blend a baby? Feet first so you can cum in its mouth as it screams.
upon my death: 1. tell my kids I loved them 2. give my daughter my jewelry 3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
All these what? Whenever a Jamaican women talks about "all these terrible shootings" I'm never sure if they mean gun violence, or footwear accessories.
Do you know why Caesar put lettuce in his salad? Oh, just cos.
What do you call a blind german? A not see
The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful Bitches love being called beautiful
I love arguing with you so much, I'll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I'll never forget the first time we met Although, I'll keep trying .
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The FBI's terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
"so doc... am I dying?" "we're all dying, just at different speeds" "but what about me" "You're like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao"
Me: you can't just be pretty. You have to be smart too! 8: But mom, you're pretty. Me: Awe thank......wait what?
MRW when I heard about the Super Fine Bros. thing that's going on. [deleted for trademark infringement]
I think I just passed a Pussy Willow. I couldn't see clearly because there was a big bush in front of it.
What's the difference between a Slut and a Bitch? A Slut sleeps with everyone A Bitch sleeps with everyone, except you.
I got my friend a house warming present I got him a bag of logs for his wood burner
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader's Digest to read jokes this bad.
I love to view /r/gonewild albums in reverse and watch lonely women regain their dignity.
Let's do away with the 140-character limit for all, and have each person's limit equal his or her IQ.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Question: What did the Cabbage say to the cab driver when he passed his stop? Answer: "STOP THE CAB-BAGE" Ps - The joke is to say it out loud and figure out what you are actually saying.
I know almost 100 jokes about scales, but only 1 of them is good... All the rest are tareable
What do you call bumblebee fetuses? honey nut cheerios
my shower curtain grabbing my thigh while I was washing my hair is the most action I've gotten in a long time.
Please deposit all your anti-jokes here:
Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight... At least act like you've been there before.
Sql Query A Sql query walks up to two tables in a restaurant and asks: "Mind if I join you?"
How do you pronounce the "Pao" in "Power'? [deleted]
If you can read this please let me know  because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Before college I didn't have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
How many tickles does a Japanese school girl want? Tentickles.
Why can't people with Alzheimer's tell a joke?
Its and old, old joke... But some how it came to mind last night: "Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" (Tnx to Jeff Greenfield)
Mummy joke Did you know mummies fart alike? I guess you could say they Tutankhamun.
Flowers: Because nothing says "sorry a loved one passed away" like something else that'll wither and die right in front of you
I'm waiting for the next generation iPad to come out. Y'know, one more compact, about the size of my iPhone. Wait.
The only thing a woman wants jumping out of a cake is another cake.
TIFU by posting in the wrong sub. ;)
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store...
[interview] "what's you're biggest weakness?" *whispers* "sorry i couldn-" I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME
Why couldn't the lizard be aroused? He had a reptile dysfunction (I just made that up but I'm sure it's been thought of)
WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*
What do you call a panda that graduates last in its class from medical school? Dr. Bear Li
Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.
I once dated a girl who had 12 nipples. Sounds pretty crazy, dozentit?
C:\Documents\Work\Projects\Important\Confidential\Drawings Of Me Saving Steve Irwin From That Stingray\Clothed\ThankfulSteve74.jpg
ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake? ME: Sure [later] ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
When is 99 greater than 100? When entered on a microwave.
With Turkey shooting down that Russian plane.. I guess Putin will be cooking Turkey for thanksgiving..
"I can't begin to tell y-" "Good."
Someone told me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
I just realized Alaska has some really weird city names Did Juneau that?
What did the cat say after reading ""To Kill a Mockingbird"? I want a refund: there's not one darn thing about how to kill a bird *anywhere* in this book.
Why did the Death Star hire a lot of football players from Thailand? Because they needed more Thai Interceptors!
I just saw a poster that said "have you seen this man?" With a number to call... So I called the number and told them "No."
Name one thing Taylor Swift doesn't have in her purse Her boyfriend's phone number
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way. All thanks go to my father, I'll show myself out.
"We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you're gonna be the one to do it" "I...uhhh... Wha?" "Nailed it. Next state."
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the referee calling fowls
You find love when you're not looking for it, and you can't find it when you really want to. It's sh!t like this that makes me drink.
My wife must think I'm a god... She keeps giving me burnt offerings !
A guy using Apple Maps walks into a bar... or maybe a hospital... possibly a church.
For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade
Alzheimer's Joke (might be a repost)
Me: [bursts into wife's meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED! Wife: Dave, I'm at wo- Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
An Irish girl tells her mother that she's decided to become a prostitute. "A WHAT?!" her mother says. "A prostitute," the daughter says. "Thank god," the mother says. "I thought you said Protestant."
A Termite Walks Into A Bar and Asks, "Is the Bar Tender Here?"
Man with a drippy dick. What did the man with a drippy dick say before he went to the bathroom? I'll be back in three shakes.
I once thought about opening a place like T.G.I.Friday's, called C.L.I.Thursday's, but most guys wouldn't be able to find it from what I hear...
My favorite dad joke of all time... Why don't chickens pee? Because they eat with their pecker.
What country can't be hacked? Madagascar, because all their ports are closed.
What is Homer Simpson's favorite rapper? A. Butter Finger
you are what you eat.. funny, I dont rember eating a sexy beast this morning.
What's the diffrence between jam and marmelade? I can't marmelade my dick down your throat.
If you walk into Whole Foods with a McD's cheeseburger, you'll be dragged to the meat locker & gang banged with a free range chicken wing.
*arrives in hell* *Hey Ya starts playing* haha nice love this song *song ends* ... *Hey Ya starts playing* wait no
What's the difference between a sausage dog and a market trader? One bawls his wares out on the street...
Uh, guys... I just heard from my doctor, and it's bad news. If you've retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
2 whales walk into a bar. First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk
A brief guide to small talk: Read someone's t-shirt out loud to them. Ask what it means. Casually flick their nipple. Ask where they got it.
A sign on the Golden Gate Bridge reads: "Now entering San Francisco, chains required... ...whips optional"
TIFU by installing the incorrect speaker parts in my car Oops, wrong sub!
What's Masta P's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5ZvzIOO6aU
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Nice tits!
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn't a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Windows Vista That is all.
My mind: "Today was a productive day." My body: "Please don't drink 11 cups of coffee again."...
You know those kinds of Reddit posts that just frustrate you to death? [removed]
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
SMS codes for seniors: BTW - Bring the Wheelchair FWIW - Forgot Where I Was LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
What kind of music does a pirate like? Arrr'n'B
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Coffee so black, you won't ever go back to sleep.
Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory? Hundreds of soles were lost
I can't wait to start blaming the GOP for everything wrong in America not being magically fixed upon their election to office.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. - the history of tang
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman: 1. The Bachelorette 2. The American presidential race Samsies.
What is the best things about the a 90 year old's tits? You can play double dutch.
I headed-butted a girl while we were making out. She told me we should just skip the fore-head-play.
How does a mathematician cure constipation? How does a mathematician cure her constipation? She works it out with a pencil.
Living in Switzerland wouldn't be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Saying Trump can't be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can't be sexist because he married a woman.
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner. After all, there were plenty of red flags.
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if your name was "GWWAAAANNNEEEHHHAARRRR"
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I want to sleep my way to the top. Like with actual sleep. Wake me when I've conquered.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs' mother high when she named them all?
Someone should call 911... ...because YouTube is having one of its daily 500 seizures.
I used to work in an eastern european fraud office. I had to check czech cheques.
*writes 'amount to something' on bucket list* *crosses it out* *writes 'mount something'* Yeah. That's do-able.
Schrodinger's Omlette Up until you flip the omelette, you don't know if it's an omelette or scrambled eggs. If it flips, omelette it is If it doesn't, scrambled it is
Why was the girl with the Frozen balloon sad? Because she...let it go!
When it's raining cats and dogs... Be careful not to step in the poodles!
What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an erection? No hard feelings.
My favourite 6,835
Yo mama so old, When she farted dust came out!
How many Australians have been killed by Ebola? Just one, Phillip Hughes
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
An E-Flat , a G-Flat &amp; a B-Flat walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors".
I say "fight me" a lot for a girl that's 5'2" and has a tough time opening some doors because they're too heavy.
Sunday is Easter, Hitler's birthday, the Columbine anniversary, and weed Christmas. Your move, greeting card section.
Why is cellphone reception so good in Wisconsin Even the smallest towns have at least 4 bars
How do you catch a fish with peas? Drop some peas along the shore, and when a fish comes up to take a pea, you grab him.
A man asked for directions to the guillotine festival... It's just ahead.
"Are you seeing anyone?" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
What does a llama do when it goes on holidays? Alpaca ya bags.
How do you set a woman's watch? You don't, there's already a clock on the stove.
Donald Trump is what happens when you tell a child all his ideas are special.
What is your "make like a drum and beat it" type joke?
It's crazy how tornadoes know which states don't matter to us.
Generally, all generalisations are false.
The good news is, that bag of clothes from 1998 that I still haven't taken to the donation centre...they are back in style now.
A man sold his soul to the devil in order to get back the full head of hair he had as a young man. There was hell toupee.
Knock Knock Who's there? Little Boy Blue Little Boy Blue who? Michael Jackson
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
How many Redditors does it take to change a light bulb? 1000 One to change it and 999 to walk into the same room and change the same light bulb without checking to see if it needed changing first.
how many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? probably just one, but we may never know because they're all way too busy coming up with lightbulb jokes.
Why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing
On hold with IKEA. The message just told me "there's more to life than furniture." Time to reevaluate everything I thought I knew.
Great minds think alike... That's why we have so many opinions in America
Is this the Alcoholics helpline? Operator: "Yes." Caller: "Can you tell me how to make Sangria?"
I am single by choice. Choice of 2 billion women.
What do you get when you throw a rabbit at someone's head? Facial Hare
How did Moses make his tea. Hebrew it. This is not a joke Israel.
I have a feeling drinking Coke all these years is probably more detrimental to polar bears than global warming.
A court ruled that sharing click-baits is punishable by death. What happens next will shock you.
A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
What does a condom have in common with a coffin? Ones for coming and ones for going.
Women are just like computers... They are always freezing for no reason and you need to replace them about every 3-5 years.
Online guy: wanna chat I'm 9 inches Me: i'm 58 you would barely reach the middle of my shin how could we hold hands on our wedding day
Who do penguins celebrate Hanukkah with? The Icebergs
Two consonants and a vowel go into a bar...
I finished off a pizza today like it was planning to testify against me in court.
Steven Avery Did you see all the buzz on tv about the Wisconsin criminal that is working the system to manipulate the public for a second chance? Steven Avery no, Scott Walker!
why does everyone in breath mint commercials have to be so horny
I have a genetic diarrhea disease... The shit runs in my family.
A guy just told me "All asians are ninjas" I wanted to tell him how racist that was, but he was black and i didn't want to get beat down
A guy drove his expensive car into a tree... That's when he learned how the Mercedes bends
I don't have a vagina, but I'm pretty sure sex feels a lot like cleaning your ear out with a Q-tip.
Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.
Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer? Black Red or Iced? Iced Ink? Well yes you do but I didn't want to mention it.
If Trump wins the election I am __________________ Fill in the blank
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
What do you call someone who crashes flying dinosaurs into buildings? A pterrorist
What do you call a midget with epilepsy that makes pizza? Little Seizures...
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis
Joke What goes oom oom
That was Samuel Jackson's first ever public appearance without saying "mother$ucker"
How do you tell if you're at a gay barbecue? The hot dogs taste like crap
I've been doing so much cardio that I'm going to have a heart attack And my hearts gonna win.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he's a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Good kid joke. Lame adult joke. Knock knock. Who's there? Salad. Salad who? It's the salad! Lettuce in!
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now] TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
What do you call Hindu ideas about pacifism? Naan Violence
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Why couldn't the amputee rob the bank... Because he was unarmed
What does an Italian sound like walking through the rain? Dago wop wop wop
Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. ...And that's why I'm not getting laid tonight.
I bet you that Michael J. Fox was just shaking in anticipation for this day.
Did you hear about the famous musical gay trio? They finally decided on a name: Soh Doh Mi
Did you hear about the guy who picked up a leper at the gay bar? [NSFW] After he pulled out, he got himself a nice piece of ass.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Kid wants to sit at table, isn't tall enough Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?! Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?
Why don't you make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
IAmA hot dog cart owner, AMA my weiner!
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*
What company makes Nerds? Your mom.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, They're both stuck up cunts!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Did you hear about Brussels? Looks like we'll be short on sprouts this year...
I'll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My ex can't take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
A police officer bought a robot this robot was fueled by sodium and alkaline, but could only hold enough for 24 hours at a time. so every morning he had to charge it with a salt and battery.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG'S MOUTH: who's a good boy DOG: your mom ME: please take this seriously
I've seen so many Adam Sandler films... it's not even funny.
My boyfriend isn't allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex's there...
Mario: hey u up? Princess: yeah y? M: come over ;) P: can't. Kidnapped :( M: Where? I'll save u P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole M: k
I'm sorry, you can't check your disobedient child on this flight. Guess you'll have to carry on your wayward son
Why did everyone love the mushroom at the party? He was a fungi.
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
Why can't Thor play the piano or hide n seek with his brother? He can never find the Loki.
A man walked into a bar... He said "Ow"
[Doctors appointment] Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Trump's rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed "Burger King fries are as good as McDonald's fries."
They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
What do people in Arkansas do for Halloween? Pump kin.
Your mom dropped you off today... She was fined for littering
Unemployed people I have some jokes about the unemployed. Actually it doesn't matter none of them work Edit: I do not mean to cause any offence to the unemployed it is merely meant as a joke.
Whats the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick down someones throat.
Son: Dad, am I adopted? Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you.
But seriously folks, what is Joe Walsh's best album?
Don't hate the PLAYA... hate the Spanish word for beach.
A Jew, a Hindu and a Muslim go into a bar, and the barman says..... What a wonderful diversity of cultures we have in this community.
Have you heard about the 2 Spanish firemen? Jose and hose B
"That's what." -She
How do you know someone is a vegan? Oh don't worry, they'll fucking tell you
Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives Badum tsh
Sodomy has been goin on at the farm The pig squelled
Yoda's last name is "Layheewho."
How do you turn a duck into a R&amp;B Soul artist? Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Did you know that human meat preserves really well? It is because it is can-able.
If you add a long hashtag to a tweet or Instagram pic, capitalize the first letter of each word. No one wants to work that hard at reading.
In India, you don't drive on the left of the road.. you drive on what is left on the road.
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then he put a black rubber ball in her mouth with a strap around her head I'm just telling you what I saw
The awkwardness of my life is equivalent to when somebody says "Happy Birthday" and you say "Thanks you too!"
I'm dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man MEDIA: You're a monster TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what's ruining our country
I had a serious talk with my girlfriend after she told me about her rape fantasy. It actually went pretty well too... Ending with me whispering in her ear, "shut the fuck up or I cut you bitch"
What's brown and hides in the attic? The Diarrhea of Anne Frank
[doctor hands wife urn] Ma'am, I'm afraid your husband didn't make it. "Nooo!" she cries. Oh, he's fine. But he didn't make this lovely urn.
Why did the cat fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change "you're" to "you is" so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? He enters Nerdvana.
Ever hear the joke about the baby with aids? Aww, man. It *never* gets old.
My phone won't let me be depressed. It autocorrected :( to :)
A friend's father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as "Your grandmother's in the hospital. LOL."
I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app... When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.
Said Jesus to Buddha... "... You're not taking your self very seriously."
Doctor Doctor I'm a burglar! Have you taken anything for it?
I'm not concerned with babies on airplanes, but grown adults who don't fly often need their own terminal.
Doctor Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Great to meet you too, person I'll never see again.
Exercise machines are just torture devices with better marketing campaigns.
Why are hot peppers so nosey? cause they're jalapeno business
Why did the skydiver die before reaching the ground? Because he reached terminal velocity.
My wife's just like my kids... Imaginary
What do you do for a living? I herd cattle. Ah, you're a rancher? No, I'm a Zumba instructor.
Bought a new boomerang Can't throw away my old one
A Recent Study Found That... ...Christian women tend to become atheists after marriage. I don't find that surprising. After marriage, a woman does lose faith in a man's ability to come a second time.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bless ! Bless who ? I didn't sneeze !
without nipples....... boobs would be pointless
What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley.
Why did the American flag get so fat? Because these colors don't run.
Nothing says "Proper Retirement Planning" like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I have a mammoth erection. It's gotta be worth a fortune.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Fact: it's impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You're all, "Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!"
What is Stannis Baratheon's favorite genre of metal? Grindcore
Guess who i am I am a long object. You put me in your mouth and shake me. Then you either swallow or spit out white liquid . Yes, it is me your toothbrush
Be like Mario! Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control I thought to myself "this changes everything"
What's the difference between sex every day, and a tire? One is a good year, the other is a GREAT year
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying "you never called! Our son is 5 now" then walk away....always brightens my day
The best part of finishing a long piece of writing is when the laptop hits your talentless loser foot as you boot it off a roof.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought  He's trying to pull a fast one.
what does cellphone reception and princess diana have in common? They both die in tunnels
What's the best thing about being a Shemale Can participate in mixed doubles alone
What do you call it when you're breastfeeding and nothing comes out? A milk dud.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Doc, my leg bone is missing! "You must be joking!" "No doc, there's not a humerus bone in my body!'
First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires... Somewhere there is a scouser with a lamp and one wish left. /english humour
I was raped by a group of mimes They did unspeakable things to me.
Give a man religion... ...and he will die praying for a fish
fifty shades of grey It's the REAL verson of fifty shades https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU0yHAtqe4k
Whoever replaced my kitchen window with broken glass and hid my laptop and tv. Haha very funny. Now tell me where they are. I'm serious.
My penis is like a shotgun I pump, shoot and reload
When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg "just wants to be friends."
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl] Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
What's the best thing about Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Q: Why don't cannibals eat pantomimes? A: Because a mime is a terrible thing to baste.
How did Captain Hook die? Jock itch.
A man walks into a bar... ...and then he leaves.
Hey guys I need some help. My assignment's asking how would humans function without their brain. I can't think of anything...
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? A. With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
What do I get when I pour my Root Beer into a square mug? Just Beer. If you don't get it, think mathematically.
Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.
I hate political jokes And it disgusts me that two are running for president.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ'S AND MY SNACK.
How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player? Ask them if they play league.
A girl called me "sir" today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
What's the difference between Jews and Harry Potter? Harry Potter escaped the chamber
My parents are a little weird...My mom wears my dad's clothes, and my dad wears my mom's clothes... They are transparents.
Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.
I hate all the political correctness in recent years. I can't even say "black paint" anymore, I have to say "hey Jamal, would you please go paint that fence over there?"
4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape
A teacher walks up to a Mexican criminal... A teacher walks up to a Mexican criminal and asks him to turn in his essay. The Mexican criminal says "Me no snitch."
Just landed my dream job of "before" picture
It's like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
A passion inside me burns. It's called chlamydia.
Why is my girlfriend fat? Because I'm ugly.
Little Miss Muppet sad on a crumpet... And said "What the Hell! Who fucking put this here?!"
I'm in business running a celebrity lookalikes agency... ...I'm trying to acquire some more Chers.
How to make your dreams come true? Have a Stage 4 Cancer
My wife asked me what super hero I would be at the party.. I told her a giant dick that comes to the rescue
I really need to stop killing people I have a lot of skeletons in my closet.
We need a new name for the Bible. How about: DIY Salvation
What did the recent KKK hit-and-run victim order at Starbucks? A flat white.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie? Disney movies can still touch little kids.
Writing a book titled "Understanding women". The first page will have a real knife & the rest will show you different ways to kill yourself.
Spiritually, ever since I ate my first curry, I'll always be part Indian.
A world without women... Would be such a pain in the ass.
What does a bowling ball and your mom have in common? They both get picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then come back for more.
finds it funny when people who aren't friends in real life are friends on Facebook
My friends David reviewed Auschwitz on Tripadvisor... ..he gave it a star.
So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?
Why do bears hate shoes so much? They like to run around in their bear feet.
Q: Why was six scared of seven? A: Because seven "ate" nine.
Why I hated my trip to Canada It was a nice country, but as soon as I saw the flag is just wanted to *leaf*
When God Handed out Chins... You Thought He Said Gins, And Asked For A Double.
What do you get when you dissolve Zyklon B into Israel's water supply? A final solution
I don't like listening to loud frequencies. After a while, it hertz your ears.
I grew up Catholic... and one of the things I hated was going to church, with the constant standing up, sitting down and kneeling. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.
Why can't dinosaurs talk? Because they're all dead
You know what we used to call vegetarians? Idiots that couldn't hunt or fish.
America, Britain isn't the ex who pretends it was mutual We're the ex who say 'Phew, missed a bullet there'
A friend and I were playing chess, and we wanted to make things interesting. So we stopped playing chess.
What do you get when you cross human DNA with a penguin? A life time ban at the zoo
What do you call a pirate who intentionally sets a fire at sea? An arrrrrsonist. Thank you. I'll be here all week.
"I heard you have unlimited breadsticks?" Sure do, table for 1? "Quack!" Wait a second *trench coat falls, family of ducks run away*
My math teacher thinks he is the mathsia... and that he has come to save us from our sines.
So in conclusion, the burglars in Home Alone 2 absolutely would have died. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk
Do you know what the women are saying after an orgasm... Apparently you don't know...
"This place sucks." ~Stevie Wonder at an art gallery
What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.
What are the fattest letters? O.B.C.D
I'd rather watch a four hour montage of old Russian men eating soup than have a toddler throw a tantrum in a Target.
What did the pirate say to the prostitute? Thar she blows!
Why did the Dino Dance Team fail the Talent Show? They were all Nervous-Rex
It's fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.
Why should a good driver always carry weed in his car? So he always hits the green when he's driving.
How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.
My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours. I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."
America needs to build a statue of the man who killed Hitler
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Why are condoms and bungee-jumping similar? You're screwed if the rubber breaks.
My wife told me she wanted to go somewhere she's never been before. I told her to try the kitchen.
Why was the pianist so depressed? Because they weren't good at Chopin.
black ice I rode a bike over some black ice once. I slipped and fell off, and when I looked up, my bike was gone.
No mom, I can't date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well...*whispers* he got Daredevil.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What did the depressed plankton do? It krilled iself!
A banker friend of mine had a breakup recently He lost interest.
Conspiracy theories aren't real. They're all lies made by the government.
What goes into the mouth of a quarter horse? Two bits!
Why is Helen Keller a bad driver? Because she's a woman
How do you surprise Helen Keller? Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Whenever a Mexican makes fun of you, just say this Siete-Cero
What do you get when you cross a fishing rod with mud? a dirty hooker
Do Apes kiss? Yes but never on the first date!
Why is it difficult to punish vampires? They can't reflect on what they've done.
What's the difference between dark and hard It stays dark all night
Any good Jokes? Do you guys have any good jokes to share with people?
The US Treasury announced Harriet Tubman will replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 So there's going to be a whole new bill in the black market.
What happened in France? Did they release a GTA Go?
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that  invented the solar flashlight?
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but... No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Only 90s kids will get this: slavery. (1790s)
What's so bad about being a virgin, anyway? It means fucking nothing.
What do you call an 80s band comrpising of only fruit? Durian durian! im sorry
The most annoying thing about being a necrophiliac... Is that your girlfriend never returns your calls.
Grammar is super important.. Because I don't want to be the mayor of fucking Austria. I want to be the mayor of [Fucking, Austria.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria)
I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight"I got extra.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A's...[slides envelope] Teacher: Is this what I think it is? Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
What would the headline read if an average redditor were killed by a venemous spider bite? Brown Recluse Kills White Recluse
Which band does Donald Trump dislike the most? Foreigner.
Whats the best part about sleeping with a midget? You're sure to get a little head
Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino? He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick* Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way? -commercial for business cards
For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.
After writing Revelations, John ask God... "Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?" "*No, by Trump/Pence.*" "Right, so trumpets." "*Fuck it, they'll figure it out.*"
How do you know when your sister is on her period? (NSFW) Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
What did the horse say to Santa? Nothing, horses can not speak.
Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
This kitty has really overstayed its welcome. All hello and no goodbye.
Does a Priest have a wife? He has nun.
What does Jerry Jones do after winning the Super Bowl? Gives the X Box back to grandkids
America and Britain are in a race... to see who can fuck up their country more. Britain is winning at the moment but America sure has a Trump card.
Boys have truly evolved * Boy: sapnu puas * Girl: What does that mean? * Boy: Turn your phone 180 degrees ;).
Knock Knock Who's there ! Actor ! Actor who ? Actor you my dear Alphonse !
Dog: I'm a man's best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me. Pussycat: Yeah, you're not gonna win this one.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing. They're stuck up bitches.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? ...
What do you call someone who went into a birth clinic and started shooting at everyone there? Spawn camper.
How is a chicken like a grape? They're both purple except for the chicken.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
What do you call a really expensive tombstone? A R.I.P off.
I'd love to see Jason Statham's face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?" asks mother. Come on mom, the most important thing is that I'm healthy!
What do you get when you mix a boxer and cocaine? A punchline
Ate raspberries for the first time in a while. I got retarted.
I like my jokes they way I like my robots. Killer.
I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Slaves... Free.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple !
Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills? They're always looking for Grant money.
So, the mad scientist duo finally succeeded And the universe was destroyed by a pair o' docs
I'm not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
How do you know if hippies have been in your house? They are still there.
What is the meanest thing you could do to a blind person ? Leave the plunger on the toilet.
I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
How many black people do you need to start a riot? Negative 1.
Why are black people so good at running? Because when they here the gun go off they start runnin.
Q. How did a blind girl burn her fingers? A. Reading the waffle iron
White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
painting Painting is the second thing in the world that requires hand and imagination simultaneously
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats' heads to make little wigs.
I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
I got an iPad from my chinese friend... I love homemade gifts!
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!
Scientists have found a definite link between sugar highs and pedophilia If you have a sugar high, you've probably eaten too many lolis.
*takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"
Larry Page's note to himself when wife mentions she wants motorola, she means phone.
My wife wouldn't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay So in revenge I super-glued them together. I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Smile is the only curved line that can make everything straight 
Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you're completely done. Like, extra divorced.
Islam is a religion of piece. There's a piece of you over there, a piece over there, another over there..
How do you compliment a pickle rapper's verse? That was dill!
[god creating kangaroos] Let's make a horse rabbit.
What does Donald Trump and a 12 year old have in common? They know a lot about hacking.
Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor. I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.
Hey girl are you cinnamon.... .... cuz I love you in small doses but throw up when I have too much of you.
"Madame, I will have your finest package of gum, and money is no object."  how I impressed the hot cashier at the gas station just now
I'm long, brown, and I love bowls. Jimi Hendrix.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, "Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet." [spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
When I see someone laughing to themselves in public, I love to imagine what they're thinking about, even though deep down I know: it's memes
Why did the hypothalamus want to join a band? Because it had great circadian rhythms.
I've been considering studying abroad... ...but I'm afraid she might notice.
Why are all the guys banging hot chicks in porn fat and ugly? I don't know, but sign me up!
Woke up late, so I put Red Bull in the coffee machine instead of water. Got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my fucking car!
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
I was sitting on an automatic toilet yesterday and it flushed underneath me before I was done. Scared the shit outta me.
"Young man do you think you can handle a variety of work?" "I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they've never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
What do you call a German thief? A Hamburglar.
Somebody finally wrote a book about clock fetishes It's about fucking time.
Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say
what goes thump thump thump squish thump thump thump squish a Caterpillar with one wet sneaker.
Mom on Logic Finished Logic class, attempting to explain Boolean algebra to Mom. She listens intently, waits for me to finish, and said "Bouillon?? That's for soup!"
A math joke? P1: knock knock. P2: who's there? P1: Deedee who. P2: Deedee who who? P1: one.
I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that's totally fine, and science shouldn't stop her.
We'll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We'll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.
A man sat on a baguette pointy end up. He claimed it was "a pain in the ass".
I always keep two pennies in my pocket. Just in case I have to give someone my two cents.
the ultimate pick up poem as told by my drunk father Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a gun, Get in the van
Did you hear about the guy who infected himself with the Zika virus? He wanted a little head.
Why can't you trick unemployed jesters? Because they're nobody's fool
Interestingly enough, you can get STDs from a toilet seat... But only if you sit down before the other guy gets off. Source: QI
[OC] Gurl, do you want a pinworm infection? Cuz id like to stick something 1/4 of an inch and thin inside of your anus.
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? The back of my hand.
Why is DeadMau5 bad at math? He drops the base when doing logs.
Whats the difference between peanut butter and Jam? (NSFW) You cant peanut butter your d*ck up someones ass
"I saw a flock of cows today" "Flock of cows?" "Yes a flock of cows" "Herd of cows?" "Of course I've heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!"
I'm sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Reddit is like sex A well-placed thumb makes all the difference
Deep down... ...I knew scuba diving wasn't for me.
I am aging as gracefully as a banana
Who did E.coli call after it lost a fight in school? Broccoli
Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome... One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."
Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said "strip down facing me," she meant my credit card.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don't have garden hoses.
Women always had all the power over me on first dates, especially when they had googly eyes on their chest.
I went to the psychiatrist wearing only cling film. He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
Is Google a he or a she? A she, no doubt, because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas. (no offence to ladies)
What do you call a gnome who dresses nice? A metronome!
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Starting to think these Herman Cain commemorative coins were a bad investment.
Why did the plane crash Because the pilot was a loaf of bread
MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore...
Why don't elephants smoke? They can't fit their butts in the ashtray
Two smut writers get together... That night there was a lot of fanfriction.
*running from cops* Me: hey wait hold up if we're gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit Cop: yeah me too good idea
I was walking through Home Depot yesterday when I tripped and knocked an industrial vacuum cleaner onto a bunch of carpentry tools. It sucked on so many levels...
Woman: Guys who can't make me orgasm really rub me the wrong way.
What's your best pick up line? Cocaine Edit:spelling
What do Mathematicians use to fry their food? Euler butter.
I dig You dig He digs She digs We dig They dig I know it's not a good poem but trust me, it's deep.
Your momma's so fat... she doesn't go back for seconds, she goes back for hours.
At my parent's house, or as I like to call it, the world's most judgmental self-service laundromat.
ONCE APON A TIME... #2 yeah I no-one likes school I escaped :P
"Here we are." I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field. "No it's not." Oh this place is good.
Interviewer: "Your resume says you're paranoid." Me: "My resume has been talking behind my back?"
Do you like dragons? I'll be dragon deez nuts across ya head shortly.
Why are Hispanic dwarves called Paragraphs? They're too short to be called Essays.
Apparently, I've got Rationalitis. I wouldn't know if it weren't for the check-up; it's asymptotic.
What's the difference between being tired and exhausted? If you run in front of a car, you get tired. If you run behind one, you get exhausted.
They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea? They found him drowned in his teepee.
I named my WIFI after my Ex Girlfriend. I never really connect with it, it's very slow and also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Jesus went to Wal-Mart He couldn't believe all the savings.
The greatest math problem of all time! How many liters of alcohol have can be found in the phrase "Let's go out for a beer"?
if u watch snowfall backwarbds, its abot the ground disolving into the sky to reveal the complex world it was hiding beneath it
Before I met my wife I always felt incomplete... Now I'm finished.
What do you get when an argument occurs on a camping trip? A tents atmosphere
I'd buy more Tupperware containers from the supermarket if they came with cupcakes in them.
Why did the Pokemon Company offer me a role in their upcoming TV Series? So they could Starmie.
My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Once a girl lied to her husband about her extra martial affair .. You know what happened next ? Christianity
If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.
A Triceratops was recently found frozen in the ice... ... upon closer inspection it turned out to be a tricicle.
Snow in the forecast... ...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance, with a face like that!"
Q: Where does Napolean keep his armies? A: In his sleevies!
Me: I think this diet is gonna work. Cheese: No.
You don't really know someone until you get drunk with them
"Let's take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant." - inventor of the birthday party
What's the difference between iron-man and iron woman? one is a superhero and the other is a command.
Donald Trump is so narcissistic... When he looks in the mirror, his pupils dilate
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A  Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks - but half the pages are missing. What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?
How dare you say I'm dumb! Would a dummy get a 'A' on there IQ test? Hmm?
I thought I kept all my David Fincher DVDs safely, but... I lost The Game.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
Hey Egypt: Try unplugging your modem for 30 seconds then plugging it back in. Trust me.
I think about other women when I'm having sex with my wife. But I always think about her when I'm having sex with other women.
Loan me a couple bucks? "Sure" *throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter* Dude where did u get those? "..." Can I even pay with these?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My girlfriend gave me a bj in the dark... So she never seen me coming.
What's black and all over the place? Michael J Fox's signature.
How did King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, crisp and even.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Why did Hitler and Mussolini get into a footrace? They wanted to see who was the fascist.
A lot of the parents at my kids' school don't really seem into sharing a laugh about the inescapability of death.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I'll play mine
How do you make a baby cry twice? You rub your bloody dick on their teddy bear.
Potassium and Oxygen went on a date. It was OK.
So Decartes goes to a restaurant for dinner... After enjoying his meal, the waiter asks Descartes if he would like any dessert. Politely, he responds, "I think not," then immediately disappears.
Judge me all you want, but I love jokes about dead children. They never get old.
Why the Indian programmers are good at C or Java, but not Basic? Because they're cast-sensitive!
My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now
There are three kinds of people in the world... The ones that know how to count and the ones that dont
You tell one kid there's candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you're never asked to babysit again
I think my Maths teacher might have some relationship issues... She keeps asking us to find her 'x'.
Do you want to hear a joke about a psychologist? - Yes. - Why?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Why did GG Allin leave his own concert? Shit hit the fan
Life is Like a Penis Simple, soft, and relaxed - then women make it hard.
U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you're hunting illegally GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat* USDOF: Dammit we lost him
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Is Kohl's cash okay?
I'm told I sleep like a baby. ... I wake up crying every few hours
You know why Trump fans are called Trumpettes? You only have to learn how to press three buttons, and then you can play 'em all day.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a walnut? I've never had a walnut on my face.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. "Baa-Dum-Tss"
What do you call a train full of Jews? Doesn't matter they're not coming back.
Ever get high off of watching Rambo? I got really Stalloned the other night.
What kind of bees eat brains? Zombees
So I met a terrorist the other day and asked him about his ethnicity. You wanna know what he said? I don't know, by then I ran.
Why is it called the "color TV"? Because it was invented by a black person!
According to FOX News, the Celtics lost because Obama did nothing to stop Kobe.
No autocorrect, I don't want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Jared Fogle of Subway told his wife she didn't have to worry about the Ashley Madison leaks... ...he was on Club Penguin.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?  - A woman that won't do what she's told.
My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma' I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses
What do you get if you mix..... Mexicans with Samoans? Some mo Mexicans!
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad
Research shows that masturbation is one of the main causes of acne. Also, acne is the main cause of masturbation.
How come men don't watch women's ice hockey? No man can handle that many periods.
pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..
I think if I was blind I would enjoy Walmart.
A french pastry was stalking me this morning I felt really creped out
I think my dog is an alcoholic. He can't hold his licker.
Fuck children, robots are the future
Jared from subway... He'll be getting used to a new style of footlong HIYOO
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Q:what did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?  A:Damn
A man walks into the doctor's office to get a physical.The doctor says "you will need to stop masturbating." The man asks "why?" The doctor says "because I am trying to give you a physical."
This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.
Did you hear about the guy who got herpes in his eyebrows? He was looking for love in all the wrong places.
How many white people can you fit in a can? Crackers don't come in cans, they come in boxes!
Empty My head is just like the comments section. (I'm not sure if the 'Wow, such empty' is on PCs and laptops so... yeah...)
Why can't you eat a wookie? Because they're too chewie!
When you have to deliver bad news, always lead with something worse: "Honey, our cat died. Just kidding! But, I forgot to buy cat food."
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
What do witches eat at Halloween ? Spooketti halloweenies devils food cake and booberry pie !
What is Stevie Wonder's favorite guitar chord? C Minor
What is a Norweigan's compact car of choice? A Fjord Fjocus.
I wanna make a joke about sodium. But Na.
What does it take to claim the world record for 'most blowjobs in one hour? You need to be able to blow a lot of guys in quick suck session. ^^^yeah ^^^I ^^^know ^^^it's ^^^lame
[emptying spam] ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
If you want to be remembered when you die... Borrow money from everyone you know
A woman goes to the doctor with a nail in her ear 'What's the matter?' asks the doctor. 'I'm listening to metal.' she answers.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested?
I just went into the garden without wearing a coat. This is probably how Bear Grylls got started.
I used to hate Vegemite, but I read that you only need to put a thin spread to enjoy it It's been much better. The cat is eating the whole thing now.
Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? It doesn't need cleaning.
I have a solution to procrastination I will tell you tomorrow
If you were out camping and woke up with a condom sticking out of your ass and didn't know why, would you tell anyone?
Some women are born to make history.... I prefer the ones who get deleted from mine.
Cowboy and Indian A cowboy goes up to an Indian and ties his penis in a knot, the Indian asks, "How cum?"
What do you think of the anus, As a whole
Comeback I was talking with my friend the other day when he said, "You know, I'm sick of all the times people use 'your mum' as a comeback. It's old, cheap, and overused." I said, "So's your mum."
What do elves learn at school? The elf-abet!
What do you call an African American wife who knows where her husband is at all time? A Jailbait.
Why do people hate playing uno with Mexicans? They keep stealing green cards.
You think you have a bad job? I'm working at the Return Desk at Toy R' Us in Connecticut
Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club.
Geometry Joke. So I was in my Geometry class and my teacher was giving us a ton of homework. So I said to her "stop being an angle side side." Edit: thanks hypervelocityvomit.
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them.
Forget "once you go black you never go back" I say "For that special occasion go caucasian"
Why don't witches have babies? Because their men have hollow-weenies!
I'm sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don't really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
Ok, I have two short jokes and one long joke... Joke joke jooooooooooooooooooooooooke!
Gabe Newell and Bill Gates should get together. Not only would there be some epic games, they could comfort each other's inability to count.
Why don't dogs make good dancers ? Because they have two left feet !
What's the best way to get a foreign dog to behave? A treaty.
Why do lesbians shop at the Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks.
Who is the smelliest hairiest monarch in  the world? King Pong.
What did the bad rapper get for Christmas? J Coal
Going by the amount of beer I consume I think I'm technically a vegan.
What's worse than 9/11? 311 Credit goes to my friend Max.
What do you call a half Jew? Jew-ish.
God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought...to hell with it... Copy, paste, copy, paste
My wife told me I should go to the gym with her to get in shape, but I suggested I just start with skipping. So far I've skipped the gym three times this week and I feel great.
My greatest fear is that I'll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
Halloween is the second woman's day in the year You can see slutty drunk witches everywhere after dark.
When an 8 falls over it's an infinity til it gets up.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind... ...would Greece help?
I listened to Winter by Vivaldi the other day... Ugh, that piece is soooo *last season*
If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik's cube.
What do you call knocked up tomato sauce Prego
Why does the shortage of strip clubs in the middle east make ISIS so angry? Because there aren't enough ho stages.
How do you stop your dog digging holes in your garden? By hiding the shovel in the shed/garage
nudist camp for intellectuals 2 people at a nudist camp for intellectuals, one says to the other "have you read Marx?" The 2nd say "yes, because of these wicker chairs"
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there's faster ways to commit suicide?
Why are all female moths lesbians? They aren't attracted to moth balls.
My wife wants to go see the Suffragette movie. But she doesn't get a vote.
Infected with AIDS If someone infected with AIDS fucks everyday, what happens? They kill everything that they fuck.
When my mate turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail... When my mate turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40 A month later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update
If you want your girlfriend's undivided attention, tell her she looks like a million bucks!!! All green and wrinkled.
3 things that makes me stress:  hot days  annoying people  stand close to annoying people in hot days
Why Adolf Hitler is a bank robber? Because he is a Dollar Thief.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him
How do you stop a North Korean tank? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god's kingdom Judas: um, isn't that from the Lion King? Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Losing it guys vs girls (NSFW) "Losing your virginity to an asshole" is an unfortunate event for girls but a damn good one for guys.
What's red on the outside and green on the inside? A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Do you know what Taylor Swift's belly button looks like? A Blank Space
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the 'y' in 'basil' and 'tomatoes'.
Step 1: Get underwear with the Millennium Falcon on the butt. Step 2: Have the fastest hunk of junk in the trunk in the galaxy.
What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? Aye Matey
I wouldn't mind being catcalled if it were useful: "Hey baby, boot sale at Macy's!" or, "Line's shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!"
Really upset about this migration crisis... My SSD's sectors are misaligned, and it's really bugging me.
Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.
A free product means... to free you of your money
Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life!" But John came fifth and got a toaster.
Why did the Chinese chicken cross the road? The eggrolled
A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair. And a table..
Learn how to avoid internet rip offs..... Send me Reddit gold and I will give you valuable information on how to avoid future scams.
Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race
What does an egg say to another egg? Nothing, eggs can't talk.
Dumb number jokes: What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
How much cum can a gay guy make? A buttload!
Two gallons of milk sat within a fridge One was spoiled and the other was chocolate. Where did the spoiled milk sit? On the top shelf. Where did the chocolate milk sit? In the back.
TEACHER: Jackie take 932 from 1439. What is  the difference? Stella: That's what I say what's the difference`?
Behavioral (/ be_have_voyeural) Economics Q: why do some people pay WAY too much at auctions? A: more bid curiosity
You are being approached by a lawyer, a lion and a gang member. You are armed with a gun and two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents
That good buddy on Facebook who likes your status because nobody else will.
What does it taste like to eat out an 85 year old woman? Depends
I'm going to have to sit my mom down Apparently she has had sex with everyone on xbox live.
Two friends are drinking in a bar...[FIXED] ....I I I cent seem to 'member rest of the joke.
Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom? Because it's a toad's tool.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
A guy walks into a zoo that only had one animal in it. It was a Shih Tzu.
Will Glass Coffins Be A Success? Remains to be seen.
There are 3 types of students in my school. Those that are good at maths and those that are bad.
A lion walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate... And I can picture us invading that world because they'd never see it coming.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.
What's a boomerang called that's not coming back? A Stick.
Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say "do you know who I am?" because while I wait I like to be introspective
How do you make holes in a fire? With a fire drill.
You know that schizophrenic hobo that has nonsensical conversations with himself? That's Twitter in real life.
How can I draw attention to the fact this skirt is too long? AHEM!
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack.
no one at this funeral has mentioned what the hashtag is yet
Vacuum the cat, its easier than vacuuming his hair from the whole house
I bought a fancy new clock radio today. It cost me alarm and a leg.
How many bitter Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None, we've decided to let a man do the job.
We really are the most blessed generation. We've had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
You guys wanna hear something really corny? Syrup.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You're not married in heaven. Me: Why not? Wife: Then we'd be in hell.
Children of reddit, what have you pretended to be mad at your parents for but were actually secretly impressed by?
Alexa, tell me a dirty joke The patron tells the waiter "this coffee tastes like mud". The waiter replies "yes sir, it is fresh ground".
Why did the pop punk chicken cross the road? To get out of this town.
"IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON" *the rock beats chest* AND IN THIS CORNER... RYAN "PAPER" WALLACE *the rock is visibly nervous*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
If you didn't want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.
When it comes to Russian Roulette .. .. 5/6 approve
canadians apologize a lot but i've never heard an apology for canadian bacon. just once i'd like a "here's your ham. sorry."
Why Couldn't 3 Fall Asleep ? He was afraid , he would make an ass of himself .
A snare drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum PSH!
I hate it when I'm doing sit-ups and I lose count after 900.
Spanish joke Guy asks his friend "Como se escribe nariz en ingles?" "No se"
What's the difference between Jesus and a prostitute? The looks on their faces while you're nailing them.
FACEBOOK: Hey, remember me? I'm a girl you met in college, in that one class. We never really talked. Anyway, here's 97 pictures of my baby.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Why is Theresa May so against Porn? When she clearly loves fucking a whole country at once with the world watching.
I've been researching marriages TIL: Death does us apart.
I got my priest to stop hitting on me. I introduced him to my little brother.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A Sasquatch is like a regular quatch that snaps it fingers and says stuff like "OH NO YOU DIT INT!"
Q. Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast? A. Ihop
Quit my job at the helium factory today I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that's my story & I'm sticking to it.
Why are the corners the warmest part of every house? Because they're 90 degrees!
Why did the duck stick his leg into a  computer? He wanted to have webbed feet.
I knew a fat doctor once, who was obsessed with the weather. He was a meaty urologist.
Q: What do bees chew? A: Bumble gum.
3 jews walk into a bar..... named Gas Chamber.
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture of Jesus only needs one nail to hang up.
My favorite knock knock joke "Knock knock" "Who's there" "I eat mop" "I eat mop who?" *Laughter and pointing*
Go on vacation in Poland... ...your car is already there!
A man was found dead eight years after committing suicide Sort of proves his point, doesn't it?
A guy calls his wife to say he's had an accident at the factory He says, "I got my finger cut off!" She asks, "The whole finger?" He replies, "No, the one next to it."
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run. Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Sometimes it's fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
What do a hillbilly and a nepotist blackberry executive have in common? They both give their relatives rim jobs.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won't talk on the phone? GF: What? M: A Guy-no-call-ogist. GF: I'm killing u in ur sleep tonight.
What's yellow and goes around? A banana in the washing machine.
My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
Why did Victoria get fired? I don't know
I bought perforated paper once It was a total rip off
After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. My address, my job, my phone number...
How can you tell if a mechanic went home for lunch? One of his fingers is clean
Everyone uses body wash these days. What happened to good old-fashion soap? Is it too basic?
How are old jokes on reddit like a herpes outbreak? You know they are going to keep coming back, and despite the fact they are weaker each time, you still don't look forward to them.
I have a friend always ready for anything.. his name is Justin Case
A man walks into a brothel.. The attendant behind the desk says "Beat it. We're closed".
How to keep an idiot waiting? I'll tell you tomorrow. Edit: Grammar.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".
I love my women like I love my Ikea furniture, cheap and missing a couple screws
I used to be addicted to soap.... I'm clean now.
I hate bad jokes. They should be pun-ishable by law.
Hey man, just be yourself! Not like that though.
How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you? Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you?
Autocorrect? More like Autocorrect! Am I right? Sorry, Autocorrect ruined my joke.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven't met yet.
When i used to work for walgreens and the security system would go off the employees would say "run!" I guess it was the running joke.
I feel like landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children.
How do fireflies start a race? Ready steady glow!
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds...
Pokemon Go Is Just Like Tinder Both apps require you to swipe to catch monsters in your area.
What do you call a basement full of SJW's? A whine cellar.
If your urine is clear, you're hydrated. If it's yellow, you're dehydrated. If it's white, you're shaking your dick too much.
Interview: "What is your biggest weakness" Guy: "Honesty" Interviewer: "I don't believe honesty is a weakness" Guy: "I don't give a f*** about what you believe"
Did you know that 99% of Americans use the internet regularly? The other 1% are the politicians.
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snow women? Snowballs.
I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"
Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.
Who the hell decided to say "No Butt Sex" Instead of Ignoranus
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I need another name for a dinosaur. I should consult the Thesaurus.
What do a $100 grill and a $100 girl have in common? They will both ruin your meat.
Why was Hellen Keller a bad driver? She is a woman.
What did the Scandinavian say at his Grandmothers funeral? She was a Swede old lady but now shes Finnish
What did Saddam Hussein say every time he played pool? I rack.
They say when you shave it grows back thicker. Can't wait to see my new cock.
Are you the Proletariat? Because I feel an uprising in my lower class.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy's the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they're special.
Why doesn't Chris Hemsworth like to eat Fruity Pebbles on set? his lips were Thor
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
The other day I was eating out my grandma, and I tasted horse cum. That's when I realized... That's how she died
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
My wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack of cigarettes for 6 months... She's up to 2 packs a day.
What is a pirates least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connections for the following reasons: 1. Illegal downloading. Thank you, and have a nice day.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH'S LIKE 3 DAYS
My priest has this game... Called "find the skinflute". I'm starting to think he's no good cause he hides it the same place every time.
So buddy, how's life in North Korea? I can't complain.
What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
What's the difference between a black man and a park bench? The bench can support a family of 4.
Roses are grey, Violets are grey I'm a dog.
I'm one of those people that tried this at home.
How is Harrison Ford like the Reddit admins? Both should have said no to the latest update.
How do you confuse a gay person? Seven.
Some would say firemen deserve more money. A pole was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.
What do people and pizza have in common? If they're black, they can't feed a family.
What do you call an actor who converts to Judaism? A Christian bail.
A horse walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a coke. The bartender says "Is Pepsi ok?" The horse replies "Neigh."
"Let me put it this way.." ~gist of Kamasutra
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Do you know why the Circus industry might go bankrupt? If Donald Trump gets elected, the entire world will just need to listen to the news for a free circus.
im 40 and my girlfriend is 12 months pregnant, am i too old to be a father? :/
necrophiliac jokes are dead boring
What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison? One's a pro, and one's a con.
What do you call a high retarded person? A baked potato
What's the difference between a hooker and a lawer? A hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.
What should you do when your epileptic child starts seizing in the bathtub? Throw in your laundry!
These fall allergies are on me like the NYPD 'Cause I can't breathe.
*puts seashell up to ear* Me: I think I can hear the ocea- Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days. Me: (to friend) It's for you.
Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I just say "Hello" back because there are too many witnesses around to stab you repeatedly in the face.
How are E.T. and a Mexican immigrant the same? They both steal your bike.
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
Give me a screwdriver Normal thing for a mechanic to say to his lackey. Start of a sexual harrassment case for Britney Spears.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil
What buzzes is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea ? A bee in a submarine !
Ghost joke How could a ghost have two moms One of them has to be a transparent
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I'll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
The assistant asked the blonde if she would  like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.  "Six please" she said "I could never eat twelve!"
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.
What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?
Russian shit Parent calls up to child: Quit stalling in the bathroom! Child calls back: I'm not Stalin, I'm Putin!
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I thought I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda yesterday.... It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Telling someone "You are not alone" can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Talking about school grades with your parents like... Parents: Got any A's this semester? Me: Go fish.
Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland? Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
Gravity is such a bully... It always brings us down.
As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives And that fucker looked depressed.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their's that they don't ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
So, they're going to combine Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter into one website. It's going to be called "YouTwitFace".
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, "Boy, you sure like to eat bread!" is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine.
Women are weird. Hundreds of people can tell them they're beautiful but they'll obsess over the one person that doesn't.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Q. Where does a fish keep his money A. In the River Bank!
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.
TIFU by mixing up my wives subway orders. I gave Lucy's to Rosa, and Rosa's to Lucy.
Firestien just came out with a new Jewish tire. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up too.
What do you tell a nazi with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told Richard Spencer twice!
Misery loves company, and apparently that's why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
What colour is eight? Purple (According to my 3 year old son)
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
There's a dog on my street who practices Islam. I don't have a problem with his religion, I just wish he wouldn't wake me up every morning at 5am shouting "ALLAHU AK-BARK."
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber? Ask them to pronounce 'Unionized'.
TUMBLR What shoes does a tumblr girl wear? *Ughs*
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N me: *presses yes* gas pump: me: *pressing harder* YES gas pump: lol nope
Steps to getting into her pants: 1) Wait for her to fall asleep 2) Take her pants off 3) Put them on yourself 4) Find a top that matches
What band was Harambe In? Gorillaz
Mexican magician A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof*... He disappered without a tres.
What do you get when you cross a hot dog with a walrus me fukin ur mom HAHA bet u didnt see that coming
"Dad, tell me a joke" "Pussy" "I don't get it" "I know, son"
Junk is something that you've kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.
Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night? Because he was resisting a rest.
Q: What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture
I just asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?". Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley." I forgot to take my phone off airplane mode
What did the Muslim on a surfboard say? Aloha Akbar!
since you're having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight "because of nausea?" no, because you're a gremlin
What is Brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre, of course.
In some ways it's sucks that we are smart enough to understand the futility of life. But luckily we're also smart enough to invent alcohol.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
The death of Dumbledore helped me process the emotions I felt after losing my grandfather, who was also a well-respected homosexual wizard.
How many dislexic mods does it take to screw a lightbulb ? [Remodve]
Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.
What about a To-Don't List?
Knock knock. Who's there? BRAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (it's a whale joke!)
I know the year isn't quite over, but so far, what are your Top 50 movies of 2012 with Tyler Perry?
*accidentally answers phone call* *pretends to be answering machine*
[Exorcism] Priest: What is your name? Demon: Jim Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim? Demon: Nice legs Carol Wife: Let's keep him. Next...
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Bob Dylan's singing sounds like me insisting I'm okay to drive.
What human organ would survive the longest in the hunger games? The liver
I just saw a documentary about how ships are held together. Riveting.
How do you know your sister is on her period?..... Your father's dick tastes like blood...
- much ado about nothing - 2 much 2 nothing - much ado 3: toyko drift - much nothing - much 5 - much ado 6 - nothing 7
What did the dolphin say when he got in trouble? "I didn't do it on Porpoise!!"
The Barman says, "We don't serve superluminal particles in here." A tachyon walks into a bar.
Sadly, I had to quit my job as a taxi driver... I just couldn't stand everyone talking behind my back.
Let's sing a Unitarian's favorite hymn. "We gather together to gather together . . ."
When I was younger, I used to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body Then I was born. (Source: sickipedia)
Why is Arjen Robben not being invited to Alfredo Di Stefanos funeral? They're scared he'll try to dive in the box.
#rubbishjokes What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A panda with a set of drums.
My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I'm afraid I'll be late for work now.
What did the priest use to forgive the sinners that shot up his church? A holey bible. And, yet, it still made more sense than Scientology.
Why do babies have to cry? Why couldn't they like, glow, or beep rhythmically to get our attention? Shitty babies...
I've made too many withdrawals from the spank bank... They tell me my count is getting low.
A Joke I made up when I was 7 years old (It's politically incorrect) Why did the lady tell her doctor she had breast cancer? Because she wanted to get it off her chest.
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. The first guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that. The second guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."
Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win... they lose.
Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a  pillow? A: Down in the mouth!
How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy? They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.
What does Oedipus the king's mother wear under her dress? Q: what does Oedipus the king's mother wear under her dress? A: a Freudian slip
Knock Knock Who's there ! Castro ! Castro who ? Castro bread upon the waters !
If I had a dollar for ever time someone told me my generation sucks.... Maybe I could pay my student loans.
Try toasting... It raises your spirits.
What do you call a team of Slavic supervillains? A Suicide Squat
[Meta] With lightbulb lifetimes increasing with no obvious limit, will "how many ___ does it take to change a lightbulb" jokes speak to coming generations?
I follow my mother's advice and make little things count... Although I'm not sure if she meant me teaching midgets math.
What do you call an indentured servant hired specifically to cut meat for you? A *Filet Minion*.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there's a cop hiding in the bushes
What did one meme say to the other meme? Dank
Knock knock! Who's there? Hamlet. Hamlet, who? I can't decide.
When Vanna White dies... Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?
Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn't good ... Me: give it to me straight doc what is it doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Who made this Christmas pudding? Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it? Elf-raising flour of course.
I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, "Wow. That's annoying." and you're like, "I know."
I emailed my ex-girlfriend "Are you still alive" and she emailed back "No" which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.
What does a woman say after three consecutive orgasms? You mean you don't know?
With everyone watching Democrats fight Democrats over tax cuts, now would be a great time for Republicans to have sex in airport washrooms.
Padme: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who's not going to murder me. Anakin: You've chosen wisely.
Why does Victoria beckham shave her twat? Because he can't be trusted with the razor.
Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
Girl adjusts her bra. And no one cares but when a guy adjusts his everybody loses their mind.
Want to hear a joke? I was going to tell a gay joke, butt fuck it.
....So carrying a "wet floor" sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Things I need now because of Twitter: 1. A cat 2. A beard 3. Printer for Avis 4. Duct tape 5. Rope 6. Gas card
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts...
How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists? Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.
How do you greet people at a funeral? Mourning, everybody!
What does a rich physicist wear? Joulery!
My kid is singing "Mac-n-cheese" to the tune of "Stand by Me." You guys just tried it, didn't you?
I wish I'd get as emotional about politics as I do about a chip breaking off in the dip.
Freudian Slip. What Freud wore under his skirt when he cross dressed on weekends.
What do horny campers and Leo Di Caprios acting have in common? They are both fucking intense!
Math Exam If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now.
To all the Republicans who might be mad if Trump loses... remember.... Hiter wasn't elected either! jk Trump2016!
Did You Hear that Iggy Azalea Got Engaged? She's already cancelled her wedding and reception due to lack of RSVPs.
How much blow can Charlie sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
A: My bag is getting heavier B: Why? A: Because I don't smoke... B: How does it matter?? A: "It ain't got any lighter"
How come about the "About the Author" never includes anything negative? "He was born in Indiana where he's widely regarded as a scumbag."
Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.
What is yellow and wears a mask? The Lone Lemon.
Is your ass okay? It has a crack in it.
Why did Adele cross the road? To get to the other side. Sorry.
My friend called me conceited the other day. That can't be true, though. Being conceited is a fault, and I don't have any.
My snack didn't taste very good. Now I'm gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch I know. Life's tough.
Why Romeo could not meet Juliet at an Apple Store? Poor Juliet! Did not know Apple stores don't have Windows!
Why didn't The Cold War happen? Russia kept Stalin it
if your best friend Jack was stuck on of a horse, would you help your friend Jack off a horse?
Guns don't kill people. Cats don't sew mittens. Houses don't crap zebras. Lots of nouns don't verb other nouns. This isn't new information.
What is the difference between 1000 dead babies and a ferrari? I dont have a ferrari in my garage.
I know how to feed a nation...but will she eat it?
I used to think I'd never be able to be president because I'm a woman but now I know it's because I don't like drinking water
What's Black and Yellow that makes everyone laugh? a school bus full of Negros going off a cliff.
My grandma was recently beaten to death.. By my granddad
My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.
My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
Q: Why are the Harry Potter films unrealisitc? A: A ginger kid has 2 friends!
Writing a horror movie featuring all black actors. It's ten minutes long and everyone dies at the same time.
How do you define a will? Hint: It's a dead giveaway.
Let's make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I'll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?
What is the best part about raping a midget? Their arms are too short to hold you back.
We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them? Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".
What separates the men from the boys in the Navy? A crowbar.
What happens to a frog that parks illegally? He gets toad.
You'll NEVER guess who I came across the other day... your MOM!
I'm so glad I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it. 
When a South African tells me they really love math I can't work out if they're a nerd or an addict
I think my iPhone is broken. I clicked the home button but I'm still at work...
Who is a penguin's favorite relative? His Aunt Arctica
How many bears could Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
A horse walks into a bar... ...He asks the bartender for a double whiskey. "Why the long face?" asks the bartender. The horse ponders his whiskey for a moment before he replies, "My wife has cancer."
Why was the vampire thought of as  simple-minded? Because he was a complete sucker.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you'll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange. *only works at Home Depot
My girlfriend said she was finishing with me because of my obssession with flowers. I said "Where's all this stemming from, petal?"
Thank God pets can't talk, they know too much.
John was going through a rough time, he lost his job and couldn't pay rent. Everything was hopeless when suddenly, he remembered... mitochondria is the power house of the cell.
The US Judicial system
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas. Him: I was gonna get lingerie. Me: Trust me. VS won't have your size. Him: Me: *jazz hands*
two guys walk into a bar. The 3rd one ducks
Why are there so many cat photos online? Because Asians love to take a photo of their food before eating.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna 1st mate: dont you mean sonar captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto? Because he's not a planet.
How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down
Terrorists in Hawaii be like.. ..Aloha Akbar.
I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.
What does the Native American say to the male prostitute? Do I have permission Tecumseh?
I will marry the next person who just shows up here with a container of hummus.
If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
Why did the business dog chase his tail? So he could make ends meet!
There's a fat man in a schoolyard. A mother approaches him and asks: "Are you waiting for a child?" So he replies: "No, I'm just fat"
Today I saw two blind people fighting I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!" They both ran away.
[judging dog show] DOG: [barks] ME: [ticks clipboard] This one's working fine AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what's required of you
I cherish a gift a dying friend gave me, strange as it is. With his last breath of life, he gave me his EpiPen. It seemed very important that I have it.
I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.
Why can't you run in a campground? Because you ran: It's past tents. I'll show myself out.
What do Spiderman and I have in common? We're both in love with Mary Jane
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.
What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain? Anything you like he can't hear you.
Women call me ugly until they hear how much money I make. Then they call me ugly *and* poor.
What do you call an Abortion in Prague? A canceled Czech.
If he's hot on your heels, dump him. You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? None they all screw in sleeping bags.
If a website dies on the Internet and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound
STAR WARS SPOILERS Admiral Ackbar has gained quite a bit of weight and everyone calls him "Admiral Snackbar"
#WorstChristmasGiftEver Soap On A Rope from Jerry Sandusky
Yo momma is like cheap laundry detergent Not as soft, doesn't smell as good, but gets way more loads
Doctor: Any cancer in the family? Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I'll have to check on everyone else. Doc: ...
How do Jews do a pregnancy test? The woman spreads her legs and the man throws a penny between them - if a hand darts out to snatch it up then it's a positive
What I say to someone who's being crabby: Clam down, I'm shore it'll be fine.
A well-known doctor recently passed away and is having a funeral this weekend. There will be no coffin at the funeral.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
There was a knock in my door "Who's there?" "Police" "Get out, I didn't call police, I called whores" "Your neighbors called us" "Let them fuck you then"
I don't mind comic sans. It's honestly a very well rounded font.
Met a hot isis girl Jihad me at hello
[commercial] "This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they're selling" narrator: Narrators
What's the most dangerous possession a gun nut will ever own? His car.
My biggest fear is that my last words before dying will be something less than poignant like, "Gravy is nice."
Well, well, well if it isn't the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
If 50 Shades of Grey were in the NFL... ...it'd be on the Commissioner's Exempt list.
What does a waffle call his complete existential paradigm shift? His eggo death
"Oh yeah" - me, remembering Iowa exists.
There should be a prenatal test to tell if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums.
"Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."
I'm Mexican and I think we should go to bed early Tomorrow we need to wake up early to go build the wall.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... the Welshman's not there because he's still at the Euros.
I was trying to write a boxing joke But I couldn't come up with a punch line.
My brother's doctor says he can no longer play video games, and he's taking it very hard He's inconsolable
My SO was feeling down today.. G: I feel fat when i look in the mirror, can you compliment me to make me feel better? B: You have great eyesight.
What do The Walking Dead and Fast &amp; Furious have in common? dead walkers
Last night before I jumped into the shower, my gf gave me head And shoulders shampoo. Ever try that stuff before. My hair is soft as fuck!
So I found out I have IBS last week... The doctor said I have shitty genes
I hope the person who knocked repeatedly on the bathroom door knows I took longer on purpose.
So I found out a new way to piss people off
I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since. I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church
What do you call two rows of cabbages ? A dual cabbageway !
A SPECIAL NIGHT IN IOWA Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa? A: Prom.
What do terrorists and the American government have in common? They both blow up people who don't agree with them.
When my girlfriend told me the news, I pushed her out of a thirty-story building. She fell pregnant.
Words can't describe how beautiful you are But numbers can. 2/10
Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss.
[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings] "Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings."
What do you call a communist sniper A Marxman
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side
I'm not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours. Shhhhh. Stop crying.
I like my women like I like my coffee. On my penis.
There should be a warning label on those straw cowgirl hats middle-aged women wear on vacation that reads: "Will cause freckled cleavage."
Turned off autocorrect and I've never been happyer.
A man walks into a bar. Smack.
I'll bet if you whined a bit more about gas prices, the big oil companies will brings the prices down.
I'm not an expert on masturbating But I hold my own
Why did the chicken cross the 38th parallel? Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far
I've just spoke with a woman who said she met me at a vegetarian club last week I could have sworn I've never met herbivore
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? because it's the scenter.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? You poke her face. I'll see myself out.
"War and Peace 2: Woody Saves Buzz" (Tolstory)
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
How are a roof and quantum physics the same? They both go over your head.
Did you hear about the man with five penises? His condom fits like a glove.
I really hope Trump gets elected... Since i've never seen a president get assassinated before.
what does a cowboy from colorado wear? a 420-gallon hat
DOCTOR: *stethoscope on my back* Gimme a very slow exhale. ME: EXXXXHHHHHHAAAALLLLLE
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
It was dark and hazy and I accidentally fapped to Rihanna .. thinking she was Halle berry
How do trees get onto the internet they log in
Off to the DMV. Time for new license pic. Gonna be really drunk for it. If i ever get pulled over the cop will think i always look like that
FUN FACT: Hitler used to say goodbye to people, then come back into the room for something and make everyone awkwardly say goodbye again.
I bought my friend a cat for their room. They said thank you I like cats. I said you're welcome me too. Cat said mewtwo.
Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud' The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
...People put the punch line in the title Don't you hate it when...
I don't plan on moving to California anymore. Everything is known to cause cancer in there.
Do you piss in the toilet before getting in the shower? I'll bet you wipe yourself with toilet paper too...
Whats the difference What is the difference between a redneck divorce, and a tornado. Not a damn thing either way someone is losing a trailer.
Ever just read somebody's post and think.... what th H is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense.
"It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!" - The ultimate twist
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound] "chief, something has brought the boys to the yard" bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I heard thatZoolander 2 was worse than the Holocaust... At least the Holocaust was organized.
Since I've been on my own, I no longer trust a whole gallon of milk... The problem is every time I bring it into my house, it doesn't get drunk. It gets wasted.
Los Angeles education Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare. The guns, the gangs, the drugs -- and I'm home schooling them.
If I had a penny every time someone said I had OCD... I'd have 3791 pennies.
Why did the horse go behind the tree? To change his jockeys.
Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here Obama: joe im on the phone Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.
What do you call a Bacon Lettuce Tomato sandwich at a gay pride parade? An LGBLT
The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do you call Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali? Salt and Pepper shakers
What's pink, wrinkly, hairy, smells of pee, and hangs out you boxers? Either your mum, your wife or you.
My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he's always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
My Father said: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' So I sent him to a girls boarding school in France.
If a red bird has red babies, and a blue bird has blue babies, what bird has no babies? A swallow
Wait, you're citing me for reckless driving? I can count three from here!
"Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance" -Alcohol
Do not tell a kid you didn't understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I'm nervous. *vomits* HR guy: Umm...you sure about that? Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just super drunk right now
When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...
What's the difference between Santa and Jewish Santa? One goes down the chimney, the other goes up.
Apparently White men can't jump! Yeah? well black men can't act!
I bought some rose-scented shampoo the other day.. ..it smells better than real poo.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet? Because the P is silent.
Why was Mark Fuch a terrible mailman? He keeps delivering to the wrong fuching address!
A baby horse is found injured. The cause of the injury is unknown, but foal play is suspected.
I'm trying to do unto others as I would have done to me, but they're all "stop thrusting at me, this is a church service; please sit down"
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you Me: he had dark hair- Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Starting to carry a clipboard at work just to let folks know I'm not fucking around about shit anymore.
Why couldn't Jesus's eat m&amp;m's? They kept falling threw the holes in his hands.
You know what they say about having big hands and big feet 2 out of 3 is not bad
Where do fortune tellers buy their clothes? Sears.
If life gives you lemons... Make lemonade If life gives you melons... You might be dyslexic.
How are ninjas and soft core porn alike? You never see them coming.
I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.
I'm not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new "selfie sticks" for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I put my phone on airplane mode. Now I can't find it.
If you factor in "supply and demand"... she DOES NOT want the D. There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I thought I'd repost an old joke... Oops wrong sub...
Cop: You were speeding. Me: Objection your honor. Cop: I'm not a judge. Me: Permission to approach the bench. Cop: What? Me: Sustained.
The way to treat women is always in your heart. Beat beat beat.
Whats the difference between a woman and a feminist? A woman can understand irony and satire without being offended.
Two lawyers are in a bar, and see a hot blonde sitting alone One of the lawyers looks at her and says "Boy, I'd love to fuck her." The second lawyer looked over and responded, "out of what?"
Fishing for Jupiter fart fish off the wing of the space shuttle.
How do you make a buff guy talk to you for hours? ask about his routine.
What's black and white and has a dirty name? Sister Mary Fuckface
What's the worst part of having a lung transplant? Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.
"Do you wanna build a snowman?" "Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop." *Pulls out carrot "Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever."
What do you call a prostitute's vagina? A whorifice.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
So PornHub recently revealed what people all over the world were searching most frequently; finally answering a question I've always asked... What is this world coming to!?
A racist, a billionaire and a mysogynist walk into a bar... ...Barkeeper: "Hey Donald, what's up?"
We're having lobsters for dinner . Update - we have pet lobsters now
What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition? Financial Ayyyyyyd I'll^see^myself^out
Why did the chicken run around screaming? Because he had to use the bathroom.
Did you hear about the man who was born without any ears? Niether did he.
What do you say after stubbing your toe? I thought the title was the start of a joke. You OWW me one joke!
What do you call an emotionally unstable animal who lives in alaska and vacations in antarctica? A BIPOLAR BEAR
How do Jewish pedophiles lure in victims? "Would you like to buy a candy?"
A green grape is on a vine next to a purple grape. It looks over, gasps, and says "BREATHE!"
So NASA has bombed the moon... So, it seems the moon is hiding weapons of mass destruction too.
Classic rock is like listening to drugs.
*me holding a human baby* i think this cat is broken
What's round and black and blue? A blueberry that occasionally gets hit by her husband
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? 0, they'll just protest and hope someone else changes it to one they like.
How bad is it when a nations power crisis can only be solved by a couple of hydroelectric plants? Two dam bad! (OC!)
What happened to the astronaut who was knocked out? He saw stars.
Jamiroquai, because Jamirodepwessed.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse! Optimist: Yes, it can!
Harambre the Gorilla hasn't had much luck After getting shot on Earth, Harambre got mauled by Cecil the Lion
What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away..
What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
David Cameron: Tax evasion is morally wrong, I leaned that from my father. The tax evasion bit, not the morally wrong bit.
And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life" ...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands... There is no cure...
How do you kill a one-legged fox? Tell it to run across canada ;) boom! Too soon?
So a 14 year old girl goes to the doctor for a checkup... He puts the stethoscope up to her heart and says, "Big breaths." And she says, "Thankth! I grew them mythelf!"
The Economic Breakfast by Roland Marge
Q: What's the slowest thing in the world? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
What is the difference between you and school tomorrow? I'm not going to come into school tomorrow.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer.  Life gets better. CAN'T WAIT!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Bought my wife a burka for her birthday She wasn't too happy. Said she won't be seen in it
Jackie Chan is implicated in the Panama Leaks. This must be some sort of kung-fulery.
A Chemistry Degree is like an awesome girlfriend, because you get anal before getting physical.
"This is mine", he growled passionately into her ear. "Are we clear?" Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn't try to eat his nachos again.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
Q: Did you hear about the professor that got in a horrible wreck? A: He was grading papers on a curve.
What's your amplitude for charm-strange mixing?
Rain drop, drop top.... Mariah Carey's career ended before the ball dropped.
What do programmers and obese people have in common? They both call an 8-course meal a bite.
What do you get if you cross a Boxer and a Pug? A pugilist!
blonde joke Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine? A: Knock on the door.
Why doesn't anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we're such cool people out with whom to hang?
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken, and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. Things happened but in the end, we answered a life-long question... The chicken came first.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
After watching Interstellar, I really want to buy a Lincoln.
My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman. Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine.
Why did 10 die? Because it was in the middle of 9 11
Do not vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it instead.
I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.
Adam and Eve... were the first people to not read Apple's terms and conditions.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there's too much salt on his fries]
What's the difference between an introverted physicist and an extroverted physicist? An extroverted physicist looks at *your* shoes when they're talking to you.
Quote of the day! "When shits about to hit the fan... I turn the fan off" -Pfaff
If you're an adult and you aren't tired, you probably just fell asleep and started dreaming. Wake up. It's time to be tired again.
I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually stay on this hanger
I think my girlfriend would make a good plumber She keeps bringing up old shit from weeks ago.
New evidence suggests that Turkey is now supporting ISIS ... they were pretty pissed off at America after Thanksgiving.
The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might've gone to high school with him.
How'd the stomach know the food went bad It was a a gut feeling
What does an Irish Samuel L Jackson say when passing someone on the street? Top of the Mornin' Muthafucka!
I tried planting some seeds on myself... I wasn't into it at first, but now it's growing on me.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? ....give her a shovel
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
"Actually I have a lot of secs" is apparently not the right answer to "Do you have a sec?"
What will the first female Mexican head of state be called? The Precedent.
You know you're in for a rough Prostate Exam... ...when you get into "position" and, right after the doctor snaps his gloves on, the nurse leans forward and gives you the "safe word"
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file.
"Why is life so hard?" - Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
What's the difference between a sin and a shame? It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to take it out.
A couple had a fight one night, Going to bed husband said, Good night mother of my three kids, Wife said, Good night father of none.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat... I'm gonna agree with her.
"yes I'm very good in bed" *folds blanket and neatly props up pillow* *pillow falls over* "Oh no, this doesn't normally happen I swear"
'Time to meet your maker' I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
What did the snowman say to the other snowman? "do you smell carrots?"
How can you always break even at the casino? Play the change machines.
Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.
You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.
A priest, a jew, and an atheist all walk into a bar... ...You'd think one of them would've seen it!
What did the ghost say to the bees? Boo Bees! (say it aloud)
[painting a picture of the last supper] "Who's that?" "Darth Vader." "Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?" "I dunno, I've only seen the 1st movie."
How many perverts does it take to change a lightbulb? 69
How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic? Cash or Czech Edit: a word
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
"Dad!" my shit says, right before I flush it.
looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online... Heinz site's a wonderful thing
The chinese dierector A chinese movie crew was preparing for a movie. The dierector was Phill Ming
why is rain the best kind of music? because it has amazing drops.
A girl posted a status in her facebook wall "I got my period today." 20 boys liked it. 10 boys commented, "Thank God."
Why did the dick go to 7-11? To get a Slurpee.
Whats brown and sticky? My poster of rihanna.
Roses are brown Violets are brown Who took a shit in my garden?
Well - It's not the first time Donald has left a Bush disappointed...
I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free
[shines flashlight under chin] In my day, kids ate gluten and rode bikes without helmets and OPEN LETTERS DIDN'T EXIST [children scream]
Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.
I took 8 courses of spanish... ...but then they cancelled Dora the Explorer
What's a simile? It's like a metaphor.
Donald Trump is a Mac user... He's not a fan of PC culture
A man entered a bar A man entered in a bar holding a gun and said "who the fuck had sex with my wife?" a voice was heard from the back "you don't have enough bullets mate"
I am a big fan of Canadian bacon... ...but I have yet to find out how they turn Americans into cheese.
Lately people have been trying to get me to jump off a dock But I don't give into pier pressure.
To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status "it's complicated" How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?
What's the name of the virus that causes AIDS? ... Are you positive?
"I've an appointment with Dr Patel." "Dr Patel is off sick today so-" [slowly backs away & whispers] "U people can't even help yourselves."
For no other reason, you have to be impressed with Panera Bread for never introducing a Peter Panera character. Respect.
Paramount is making a movie about a pair of Chinese race car drivers... It's called "Two Wongs Don't Make a Right"
Math is a drama queen. It can't seriously have that many problems.
Regardless of what you may hear there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce they keep the house.
Dating must've been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.
What do you call a biscuit on a motorbike? A bikkie.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here, you're family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can't you be more like your sister
My wife and I switched positions to make our night more exciting last night... so she sat on the couch and I washed dishes.
What did the Nazi Officer say when he saw the Americans approaching? Au Schwitz!
The other day I saw a guy with sin/cos on his arm... ... He had a really nice tan
For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering "Do something stupid to your hair."
I don't know. "Your goose is cooked" seems like a positive. Like someone saying, "Hey, dinner's ready. We're having goose."
"Sir can I ask you why you're smoking TWO huge cops?" Blunt, i'm *turns to camera* Doing this tweet wrong *Blunt just stares in confusion*
I like my girls like I like my coffee. In a bag in my freezer
I'm sorry that I'll never be as fun in person as I am in drunk texts.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."  Mother: "Oh really? What was the question?  Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
A mathematical limerick A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more.
I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.
Hillary Clinton very well just might be the first F president. I left out the emale because someone deleted them.
How long is a Chinese name.
Whats the difference between 3 big black cocks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke
How do real partners in crime jokingly introduce themselves to people?
What do you call a cow in a Russian forest? A moss-cow. Alternative answer: dead.
a serial killer that targets anyone who pronounces the "S" in Illinois
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder disaster.
Little Johnny comes home one day... and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!" "What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?" "No," says Johnny. "It's salty"
What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride? That's a salt!
Why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus? So he'd use natural logs!
If I had 25 cents for every time I failed my math test I'd have $5.13
Arguing with an engineer is like mud wrestling a pig... You'll never win and eventually you'll figure out that the pig likes it.
it's cool that you're a nerd but it would be cooler if you were more quiet about it
What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket? Coloured scrambled eggs
How do you catch a unique cat? Unique up on it
Do you know what makes darks better than whites? Not dropping all your fucking socks
Why is a gay God purty cool? Because he makes two Adams smash together
Fixing my grandma's computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Knock Know 9/11 Knock Knock. Who's There? 9/11. 9/11 who? I thought you said you'd never forget.
Son, its time we had 'the talk.' [dad removes shirt, starts projector, chugs 4 beers] Ok! So Tower 1 steel beams could only have melted at-
Why shouldn't you buy trousers from northern Ukraine? Chernobyl fallout
What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics? Luiz Suarez.
What separates the men from the boys in the Catholic Church? A condom.
Why is your ass split vertically? Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you're going down the stairs.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."
How much hummus did the anorexic girl order? A tahini bit.
What's up? The price of pussy. (My math teacher in high school use to say this one, he was cool.)
Aren't you too fat to be this rude?
Do you like Wendy's? Reply: Yes! Answer: you like it when deez nuts in yo face
Desperate Need of Good Jokes Basically I've had the shittiest day/month and I could really do with some cheering up. Hit me with your cheesiest and amazingly bad jokes :-)))
"Better out than in," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Terrible heart surgeon.
Why did the blonde freeze a pot of boiling water? Because you never know when you're going to need some boiling water.
Tower: Lufthansa 893 you're number one check for workers on the taxiway. Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked they're all working.
Ex-girlfriend I used to date this girl with a lazy eye...it turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
What's the best way to be on Instagram and in life? Selfless
A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named Lenore Loved her job, but loved the beach more. She devised such a way to combine work and play: She sells C-shells by the seashore
The Darkest Joke What's worse than a baby in a dumpster? ... A baby in two dumpsters.
Can people using windows play games online with people with using Mac? Depends on the wifi at Starbucks.
I masturbate with soap Just thought i would come clean
If you love someone, let them go. If they don't come back, get a dog.
3 cows are standing in a field Cow 1: did you hear the outbreak of mad cow disease? Cow 2: good thing I'm a helicopter Cow 3: Holy shit a talking cow
Why didn't the lazy guy have sex? Because his dick was just too hard
Boss just announced he is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Somebody told the terminator to update his Microsoft windows, his response- "I still love vista, baby"
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? "Go fuck yourself!"
Handed in an assignment late today, looks like my teacher is giving black Friday deals too. 50% off
"Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight" - The Swiss Army
What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat?  Katabatic
I accidentally sent my essay to the 3D printer... it came out as a piece of shit
I'm not one of those moms who talks about her kids all the time because their lives don't interest me in the least.
If you plug in a USB cord correctly on the first try, you shouldn't have to pay taxes for a year.
How do you gently wake up a sleeping baby? Don't preheat the oven when you bake it.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
How do you make a tame duck wild? Annoy it.
The first movable printing press was made In the renaissance. .. This gave more people to jack off to the first porn ever.
Have you ever had sex in the forest? It's fucking in tents.
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President? A: A competent liberal President.
What do you call a psychic midget on the run from the law? A small medium at large.
A video game where you are haunted by ghosts of your ancestors. They swarm around you and moan "get a job" or "we are so disappointed."
A baker was killed by a falling metal pan... you could say his death was filled with irony. Ba-Dum-Tsss
I can't believe I lost my candidacy for mayor of my hometown I kissed so many hands and shook so many babies.
Why's Guantanamo Bay full of actors? Because they all shot pilots.
The only sexual problem I have is... I don't have sex.
Have you seen the new iPhone card trick? It's the one where all the jacks dissappear
[awesome life of caterpillar] 1) all I do is eat, awesome 2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome 3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME
It's so beautiful outside. I should probably do something...Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my computer screen.
What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? - Grandma monster
Can you spell a composition with two letters? SA (essay).
Australians don't have sex... They mate
I was in an AWESOME undercover band once No one was sure if we were The Police.
Sleeping thoughts Sometimes when I go to sleep I like to look at the stars and just think... what the hell happened to my roof!?
Just drove by an Asian restaurant  Wok n' Roll  well played Chinese people. So crever
I have four problems in life... ...counting, remembering and counting.
Why couldn't the lake birds get along? Because they were SWAN enemies.
4/20 = National Weed Day 4/21 = National Drug Testing Day 4/22 = National Unemployment Day
Using what sexual position often causes a couple to have an ugly baby? I don't know, ask your mom.
It's said that if you look directly into Chuck Norris' eyes you can see the beginning and end of all things...... but no one has had the balls to try.
How did the hillbilly find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying
If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.
A baby seal Walks into a club
I can swallow a rope and poop out a lasso I shit you knot.
Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Is it cocky to have more than one penis? I think it's two cocky.
My wife said, compared to a lot of girls out here, that I'm lucky to have her. I said "Yeah? Maybe, but I'll do my own research thank you".
Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? Diabetes. Billy has diabetes.
"YES! YES! YES! Damn." (A dog, when you open their food cabinet to get something else.)
Actor Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a night club in Spain. Orlando's hand was pretty sore today, you know, from all the high-fives he got.
How did the steak chef at the courthouse like his paycheck? In legal tender
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends on how hard you throw them
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Doesn't matter how many of them come, they can't change a thing.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
How do you piss off a female archeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.
If you could have sex with one person you've had sex before.. would it be with your right or left hand?
*Approaches girl at bar* Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes! Me: You have lovely hairy eyes Brain: My bad.
What do you call a pushy aquatic mammal? Press'n Seal
RIP Bugs Bunny Attempts to reanimate him failed.
How do we know Andy Taylor never had grandchildren? Because Opie is faggot
If heaven is real the only question i have for god is how many times was my chinese food a cat
What's the difference between jelly and jam? [NSFW] I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
Where did all the TV remotes go when you can't find them? To a remote island...
Everyone keeps downvoting my racist jokes. It's like a load of black people have suddenly gotten laptops or something.
What did one sock tell its other half ? Nothing, the fucker had disappeared in the dryer.
LeBron James should have a gaming channel It would be called "LeBron Games."
What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex? oral sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your hole weak
What's pink and red and goes 100MPH. A baby in a blender.
If it requires pants or a bra ... it aint happening.
What function puts you in the danger zone The LOG^^^gins function!
Wanna hear a corny joke? Ethanol
I always wanted to be my own boss so now I run a nonprofit Not by choice, im just a shitty salesman.
Love in 2013 means answering each other's texts immediately.
Which burgers love to act? Ham-burgers!
girls you can't take a picture in slutty clothing and glasses and label it "nerd lol" you're not a nerd, you're a whore who found glasses.
Since Greece is likely to default... one could say the gyro-zone is going to leave the euro-zone.
Bernie Sanders said it's time for him to cut the BS His new name is Ernie Anders
Underage girl, sucking on daddy's cock, gets jizzed on all over he......... Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was a google image search.
I have kids now... Their parents must be angry.
What's the difference between the IRS and Jared Fogle? The IRS waits until you're 18 to fuck you.
Why cant the bike stand on its own? Because its two tired.
In Seattle, there's a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Why did the turkey cross the road Her didn't want to end up near the sides. PS, happy thanksgiving
What happens when you get a bladder infection? Urine trouble.
I was lucky enough to meet and have an excellent conversation with the worlds leading brain surgeon. Best cab ride ever.
Ayy Loam Ayy loam I soiled myself!
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and  was marked absent!
A man is taking a picture of a koala This has some really great koalaty
TIL a French man named Philippe Fallope invented the flip flop
If you have sex with a girl on Monday then your boy has sex with her on Tuesday, did he retweet her vagina?
Sleeping in central park Is it going too far to equate my experience sleeping in central park to being a Jewish person in nazi germany...
I won the dirty joke contest at scout camp with this What's the best thing about twenty-two year olds? There's twenty of them. It's better said then written.
What is the least racist animal? A panda. It's black, it's white and it's Asian.
I hate when people say Hitler did nothing wrong afterall he did commit suicide...
A termite walks into a pub And asks "where's the bar tender?"
A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.
Shocking that people who've been physically assaulting each other for 3 hours would lose their tempers.
What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck? The angle becomes a rectangle
I met a guy with a tattoo on his penis that said "Shorty". When he got an erection, it said "Shorty's Truck Stop Chattanooga, Tennessee".
Yesterday, I beat a guy rather seriously. At the end, I even gave him stomach hits on his foot.
what version of Windows does Jesus use? XP
I call my dick the truth... Because the Truth hurts... And you can't handle the truth.
What do you call a group of lions that is homosexual? Gay pride.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beets ! Beets who ? Beets me but I just forgot the joke !
"Twitter got hacked by some idiot in the projects. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya husband too, 'cause they hackin' everybody out here."
I took my girlfriend to tour NASA this weekend! She said she needed some space.
*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart* "hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?" "YES. AISLE B, BACK"
What's worse than fighting an uphill battle? Getting to the top and realizing it's all downhill from there.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and kept in the freezer.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor's bedroom looks like a giant doily.
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME AGE ADDRESS etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED. ''Yes.''
Your mom.. has one arm, one leg, one titty, one eye, and one finger. They call her "Uno". Ironically enough, she also works at Ihop...
I like to bring ants on planes and say "All the people down there look like you!" They can't understand me, but they like the company.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
*unrolls blueprints of a dick* no no no this part has got to go. dont know what this does... gone. lets put a ruby here. in the shaft
How are women and tornadoes alike? They are both loud as fuck when they come, they take the house when they leave.
I've found out recently the worst way to start a bennefit gig for abused children is with an apology
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers... carry on.
What's a blondes idea of natural  childbirth? No make-up.
Yo momma so old, Her birth certificate says EXPIRED
Two men walk into a bar... the third guy ducked.
Police arrested two kids in my neighborhood today. One was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
[Lady is being robbed] "Help, Social Media Man!" [Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
How do I know I'm not Daniel Day-Lewis?
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He was told to get a long little doggy...
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don't get too excited.
I was grinding on a girl in a club last night and she said to me, "Will you please take your skateboard and f#ck off!"
Why do sailors use liquid soap? It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.
What's the difference between a statesman and a politician? A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer... I said, No, wait! I can change!
Q: How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot? A: Perky.
A woman walks into a bar.... Realised too many man walk into a bar...
Calling someone a "protestor" is now racist... Yupp. That's a real joke.
two chromosomes responsible for a divorce Ex and Why
What Did The Chinese Man Say When Asked What He Wanted For Dinner? Bitch please.
I just got married and our bed is South America My wife gets Brazil, and I get Chile.
What do authors do when they are being chased? They make like Dr. Jekyll and Hyde!
What is the hardest part of telling a good gay joke? Keeping a straight face
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
Princess: U alone? Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater. P: lol. wut? L: ya idk. meet up? P: sure. go-karts L: k i'll bring bananas
"you look nice" - sweet potato "im so high" - baked potato "you suck!" - roast potato "what have I done" - guy who made talking potatoes
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
The best joke about vampires EVER Just kidding. They all suck.
How to get revenge on a pedophile Give him a taste of his own medicine and start touching his dick instead.
I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool.  You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep.
What's a Muslim's favorite TV show? It's always sunni in Philadelphia
Friends are like snowflakes, they gang up on you and tell you you're an alcoholic.
What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.
I wrote a poem about communism for my English class I had to share it with everyone
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to... ...spread those thy's.
[finds money in jacket] nice [finds more money in pants] Today is my day. On a roll Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tooter
So John Travolta's career has been dwindling recently... I guess you could say he fell from Grease.
How fast can a woman fuck? 68km/h, because at 69 she flips over and blows a rod.
If the people in your car don't match the stick figures on your rear window, I'll report your vehicle stolen.
Susie has no arms Knock knock! Who's there? Not Susie
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN. ROMANTIC WATER.
What's red and unhealthy for your teeth? A brick.
What do you call it when Lenin, Trotsky, and Stalin get together for a drink? A communist party
What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Barry? Yes Joe Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we'd eat at the Pizza Hut in France No Joe *Biden slams fist* THIS IS BULLSHIT
Taco Bell is human Drano
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It's all in the grip.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here's your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy? Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd beaspirin tablets!
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Dolce and Gabbana are to be jailed for tax evasion. Looks like someone finally called the fashion police.
A friend asked how I'd describe a hot air balloon, and I just told him it's a lot like my ex, but with a basket.
Whats the most essential part of telling a joke about terrorism? an explosive punchline
I can't even... ...so I guess I'm odd.
He sat down and ordered a drink... The bartender said "I'm sorry. We don't serve faster than light particles here." A Nutrino walked into a bar.
Why did the Amish girl get kicked out of the community? Too Mennonite.
What is long, hard and full of sperm ? The sock under my bed.
*watches as both hands turn into devils* *looks over sink* HAND SATANIZER "Oh, this is just great"
honey you gotta push that baby out faster, there's only like three seconds left on this vine
Why did the Band Geek ask the Football star for tips? Because he's a waiter. (lol)
spent today capturing hipsters, tagging them, and releasing them back into Silverlake. Study: Do skinny jeans restrict grazing patterns?
BlackJack Jack be nimble Jack be quick Cuz Jack just stole that candlestick
I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings.
What's the difference between a politician and a tiger? One of them is a big puss
My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my iPod. I said, "It's for sound effects during sex." He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?" I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."
Where do suicide bombers go when they die.....? ......EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bellows ! Bellows who ? Bellows me some money can I have it please !
How does NASA organise a party? They Planet.
A liberal wins the powerball! Millionaires and Billionaires aren't so bad now after all!
My work has this cute thing they do where if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.
How many dead Hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Not 8, since my basement is still dark.
I finally found a girl who is like my mother in every way! I brought her home and wouldn't you know it... my dad doesn't like her
What's the difference between Kanye West, an American College student, and a homeless man? The homeless man has $7 to his name.
West Coast problems If you meet a vegan, and they do crossfit, which do they talk about first?
What's a pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.
My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud... ... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.
Two fish are in a tank One of them says "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
A priest, rapist, and pedophile walk into a bar He orders a drink.
What did Cinderella say when the got to the ball? She didn't say anything, she just gagged.
What was the best thing before sliced bread? Massive sandwiches
Lets share blonde jokes Howdo you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool
Yo you guys ever try hanging out with people you like who also like you? Shit's dank af
What do you call the international program that helps clowns with their personal space problems? Clowns Without Borders.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
John Cena wakes up ... **John Cena wakes up in a hospital** John Cena: Where am I? Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can't.
Did you know Auschwitz has the highest hotel rating? 1.1 million stars
a nativity scene but with a giant burrito instead of a baby Jesus
Once there was a man who never left his home. .......Don't get it? . Well, it *is* an **inside joke.**
What do you call a fart from an Egyptian stranger? Toot uncommon
Me: I have a huge crush on this girl. Him: What's her name? Me: I'm not telling you. Him: What does it start with at least? Me: @
A woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away.
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot. "Arrrr...it were on sail.'
I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.
Customer asking Bin Laden in Bar ( i need /u/yourjokeexplainedhere Customer: "I'll have a Bin Laden, please." Barman: "Sir, what is dat?" Customer: "Two shots and a splash of water."
How many fingers does the Dragonborn have? (x-post from r/gaming) Four fingers and a thu'um.
Difference between a gay guy and a microwave? A microwave won't brown your meat.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Why are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it! EDIT: to please all the grammar Nazis of the world
A white supremacist, racist, and antisemite walk into a bar Oh wait, that's the White House
Why did the bees go on strike ? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers !
[police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."
Why do gangsters hold their pistols sideways? Because that's how it comes in the box :D
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I think we're looking at the NSA spying thing the wrong way, there are potential positives. Soon if you forget your email password you'll be able to ring the CIA and they'll remind you.
What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
I was trying to get my girl to try @nal. She said "Fine I'm gonna stick my finger up your ass and see how you like it!" The wedding is in a week
I like my coffee, like I like my women... I don't like women.
Did you guys know that my son is a really big star? Yup, he's 1.989 x 10^30 kilos and has a diameter of 1.4 million kilometers.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink!
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse? She didn't.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you? RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text.
Husband: [sends text] We need to break up. Wife: [sends text] WTF! Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.
Beyonce was Destiny's Child. The other two were adopted.
Mum does God use the bathroom? No what a funny question! Then why did Dad say this morning 'Oh God are you still in there?'
What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar? A flamethrower
What do call forty lesbians in a tree A CUNTREE
What do Mormons and tweakers have in common? They both ride bikes and go on missions.
What do you do if you're Fighting a group of circus performers? Go for the juggler
Heard about the fruit that became a president? He got impeached.
One fifth of people... ...are just too tense!
What's the difference between a psychologist and a groundskeeper? One you need for a rough patch, the other you need to patch your rough.
Patchouli Why do hippies wear patchouli? So blind people can hate hippies too
I got amnesia and dont know if im gay anymore... I faggot
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
What are you doing? I'm trying to call Washington! Oh haven't you heard? He's dead!
What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn? Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.
Every marriage counselor should be replaced by robots... because they take arguments and return values.
You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.
Hey Spongebob, what's funnier than 24? 9/11.
Lady offered me a piece of chickpea loaf. Hit it out of her hand because that's what cake would have wanted.
My friends keep telling me to stop making jokes about Linkin Park But I just ignore them because in the end, it doesn't even matter
Any woman who chooses to have sex with me, gets the short end of *that* transaction.
Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.
I accidentally ran over a leprachaun. I brought it home and cooked it up. TRAGICALLY DELICIOUS!
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired (   )
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."
I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder. One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walks into a bar... The bartender asks "What'll you have Senator Cruz?"
Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.
2 blondes fell into a hole The first one said "*Its dark in here,isn't it?*" The second one said"*I don't know,I cant see.*"
Trump's wives were immigrants. Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't.
How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome? You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.
McDonald's should start gearing ads toward their target audience: husky toddlers and seagulls.
Five swedish men in a pool The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water. Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"
I can't wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn't have to deal with it.
What did Octavian say when he stormed Cleopatra's gardens? Caesar salad
How do you make a Giraffe go to war? You Giraffed it
I'm not a doctor... so my understanding of Parkinsons is a little shaky.
Why did mr.Potato head go to Prison. Hash browns.
Why are white people bad at chess? They think all the white pieces are kings.
What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!
A muslim says Bismillah to ward away the three jinns (xpost from r/islam) Two hydrjinns and one oxyjinn.
I saw a man convulsing on the ground and jacking off... ...I thought he was having a seizure. Turned out he was just having a stroke!
What do you call the James Brown songs no one listens to? Defunct funk.
Getting a woman: 1.Select the woman u like 2. Lick her face 3. She is now yours take her home HAHAHAHAHAHA I've been arrested 10 times
I'm surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn't incorporated into more American Holidays.
Why did Adrian Peterson sign with the Minnesota Twins? Because they needed a switch-hitter.
I realized I've been wearing this set of earbuds in the wrong ears for over a year now. No wonder I always end up running backwards whenever I go jogging.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean.....
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The utra sound guy
My dad suffers from bowel incontinence, and so do I ... It runs in my jeans.
Fuck, marry, kill? Your sibling. Your mom. Your dad. Fuck all of them
Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
You know, redheads... are pumpkin spiced all year round.
Pluto I got good news! You are still not a planet but you are a star now kid!
You probably get this a lot but... *punches you in the face*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I fucked a bitch at work today and guess what happened? Pet store fired me
I almost lost my hearing in an accident... It was a near-deaf experience.
When someone tells me to give them a straight answer, I make sure I go out of my way to give them a really gay one.
What's the difference between fancy food and military food? Fancy food is delicious, but military food is deliciousir!
My boss just asked if I'm illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.
I was nearly crushed under a huge pile of bread. I was in so much pain.
The hairdresser's oath First, harm no 'do...
Did you hear about the wrestler who was beaten by a vampire? He was down for the count
A giant porn conspiracy has been uncovered.... It was run by the illuminaughty
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
My sex life is exactly like my shopping. I do it all online.
What is the difference between Trump and Hillary? She can't make America great again.
Why was Mary Jane not a virgin? Her mother leaves.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Why is Stevey Wonder Smiling all the time? He doesn't know he's black.
I have a joke from Germany Just kidding, we have no sense of humor.
what happened when the blond tried giving her boyfriend a blowjob while he was driving? they both fell off the motorcycle
*Ohio State coach* Boys, I know how we're gonna beat the Oregon Ducks "How coach" With our secret weapon *pulls out a loaf of bread*
Fallout (spoiler) I heard Fallout 4 is a real blast from the past...
I have all these jokes about unemployed people... But none of them work.
Two pretzels are walking down the street. One was assaulted.
What does a Boston terrier sound like? Bahk bahk. Wicked bahk.
Most monkeys don't like bananas, they're just being sexy.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just Let It Go. As told to me by my 5 year-old daughter
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Wanna hear a joke?! My youtube channel :)
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that's why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
What do you get when you cross a mexican, a queer, and an eskimo? A snow-blower that doesn't work.
Why did the imgurian cross the road? To get the meme on the other side
I was in a band One of our roadies was a German man. There was a Czech one too. Czech 1-2, Czech 1-2
Gay marriage is finally legal in America today. Finally, all the OP's can get married.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me. But has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
What do you call a redneck family of bakers? Inbread!
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *chokes*
*texting with girls* Her: I <3 you Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you're less than 3
LPT: If you feel cold, stand in a corner They're usually around 90 degrees
Dude yelled "Fight me like a man" at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
Why do black people only have nightmares? We shot the only one with a dream.
Did you hear about the group of people who stole a dozen boxes of Viagra? Police are looking for hardened criminals.
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist... -. Do you have pills for the jealousy? -. Yes, yes we do! -. YOU BASTARDS....!
Why are French snails faster than American snails? L'ess cargo
What do you get when OP gets erections? QR
My life selling houses by Con Allday
Why does nobody like the element Bi? Because he's all up in your bismuth.
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America
I saw a reddit post teasing Australia about being upside down. So I went ahead and gave it an Australian upvote.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand DATE: ?? ME: It's on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My chickens were clucking at me Little did I know, they were using fowl language.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY
A gay black guy, a Jewish midget and a gypsy jump off the Empire State Building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Who gives a shit?
"You only paid for one bus fare, ma'am. I don't see how it's fair for you to take two seats just because you love pizza and cake."
Stalk your awful ex on Twitter, Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll. 'Tis the season to be bitter. Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started they emit noxious odours and half the  time they don't work.
If a one-legged woman is named Ilene, what do you call her after a few drinks? Tipsy, and an easy lay.
Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.
What's a pirate's favorite explosive? M80
Jesus was gay. He was nailed by 3 guys.
Ok doc, give it to me straight. "It's cancer" How bad? "Really bad, you have 2 months." OMG "APRIL FOOLS!" Whew- "You have 2 days."
I was asked to give a talk about ignorance... ...but I don't know anything about it.
My trademark fight move is to ask someone very nicely not to hit me or be mean to me.
Two Charles Dickens bar drinks Charles Dickens Martini- olive or twist Charles Dickens Cider- usually a little tart
"Knock, Knock!" "Who's there?" "The Pilot, let me in!"
[death row] Okay Johnson, it's time. Any last requests? Pardon me? I said it's time, any lastah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Why don't fairies live under toadstools? Because there's not mushroom!
Ever hear about the Mexican Train Killer? I heard he had locomotives.
What's red and sits in a corner? A baby with razorblade. What's red and green and sits in a corner? The same baby 3 weeks later.
My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.
you have heard "A pint is a pound" ... .. and that is a seriously high petrol price. I know. It's not that good. Nor even that funny. But it's coming. Happy Halloween.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? 'ell if I know wot to call it!
I am trying to get some help for my PTSD... But it always seems to be one flash forward and then two flashbacks.
What do you call a spaghetti that went to a pasta party? An Impasta
Blond joke! :D What do you call a dead blond in the closet? - last year's hide &amp; seek! :D
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.
Mother: How was your first day at school? Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept  spoiling all our fun!
A set of jumper cables walks into a pub...... And the barman says, "You can come in here mate but don't start anything! "
Joke from my sociology prof "I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing... unless you're at a funeral
John Cusack will always have "I didn't do my homework but I love you" face.
Why should you never play Uno with a foreigner? Because they will always steal the green cards.
Subway is rolling out a new signature sub. Ask your sandwich artist for the 'Jared'. It is served with less then 13 grams of fat.
Bill Joe Armstrong (From Greenday) was walking down the street. A girl walked past him and said "Wow, you smell amazing." He replied: "That's because I wore cologne, I wore cologne."
A bride just said "today I'm marrying my best friend" it's like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous
"The Emperor is naked!" cried a child Silence was the answer. There were only him and Emperor in the bedroom.
(McDonald's bathroom) *pulls away from kissing* You're better than my mirror at home
Some women are never satisfied. Last night i gave my girlfriend the biggest orgasm of her life. What did she do, spit it out.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
What did the Canadian say when asked what he thought about stereotypes? Eh.
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? To a retail store.
After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyways.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury... Cher would be nothing without the great Sonny." - Pro Bono Lawyer
A joke walks into a bar... So the bartender says "Can I help you?" And the Joke says "Nah I'm good I'm just waiting for a couple Jews"
Scientists discover first gay dinosaur... Its official scientific name is Megasaurass
Who will take the second shot in this snooker game? Find out, after the break.
What do you call a fat magician? A 4-chin teller.
Let's play "Is it an adjective or a verb?" I love fucking pickles!
What do you do after having licked the world's smoothest vagina? Put it back in the stroller
How do old people go to the bathroom? Depends.
What does the Fox say? not the news
What do you call an agreement between forests? A treety
Xbox One down! PS4 Down! Get an ambulance! Wii U! Wii U! Wii U!
If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I'd say, "Contact Him" while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
A hug is basically a mini hostage situation.
A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today. A man looked and said "OMG!" That's disgusting! Looking back on it, that might not have been the best time to masturbate.
My birthday is coming up and I'm mostly just anxious about all the people on Facebook who are about to pretend to like me.
NaCl / NaOH The base is under assault!
A man went in to the bank and asked to see the  man who arranged the loans.  'I'm sorry sir' said a cashier 'the loan arranger is out to lunch.'  'Can I speak to Tonto then?' asked the man.
do you ever start rubbing your eyes and then it feels really good and you can't stop so it's like eye masturbation
Yo mama so fat.... When she sees a school bus with white kids, she yells "TWINKIE"
Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
I asked God for a bike... but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
i think of my nipples as an umlaut that makes my beer gut more sophisticated
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
An man shows up for his first day of work at a strict anti-racist organization. He notices his asian boss has very dirty glasses ... "How can you even see with those?" "You're fired."
Obama and Jesus What's the difference between Obama and Jesus? Jesus could at least make a cabinet.
Why did King Kong go to the airport? He had a plane to catch.
Nike has to stop it with this "Just do it". First it was Tiger Woods. Then Lance Armstrong. And now Oscar Pistorius.
When people are singing Happy Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look.
The Rolling Stones should have a reunion tour and call it Rolling Stones Gather No Mas
My girlfriend... .. is like Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar.
An ad company friended me on facebook I guess you could say they wanted to ad me.
How can you tell if someone is an entrepreneur? Don't worry, they'll tell you
Incest It's all relative.
What do you get when you cross a foot with cookware? Potato!
What starts with "P" and ends with "orn"? Popcorn Pervs.
What is your favourite variable? I'm not sure, It's always changing.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice. I know this is an old one but i didn't see on here so why not.
What is Sherlock's porn star name? Benedict Cuminhersnatch
What do you call an asthmatic bird? A puffin.
What do you get when you mix a rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
1 in 5 Americans with a Twitter account complain about his/her damn stupid job every fucking Monday.
I Told my wife I lost 10 pounds in a hour The She said "Sweety, we call them Dollars here"
My doctor wouldn't examine me when I said I was having hearing problems... He just said it was ear relevant
Grocery store flowers; show someone you care slightly more than not at all.
What do colors say when they laugh? Huehuehuehuehuehuehuehue
Why do Democrats push for more gun control? Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.
Why couldn't the Jedi open the door? He didn't use enough force...
What Did The Sushi Say To The Bee? Wassup bee
Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? He only comes once a year.
Why couldn't the quadrilateral comb out her daughters hair? Because it was a wrecked tangle
Porn websites should end in .cum
What can you hunt for in the wild as well as in your wallet A couple bucks
How can you tell your room mates gay? His dick tastes like shit.
There's no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When a character in a movie says the title in the middle of dialogue they should be required to wink and make tiny guns with their fingers.
What's black and white and red all over? Batman's father
Hitler was Right All Along. At the same time, Stalin was Left.
What do a pedophiles hopes and bingo have in common? B7...B7...
What hired killer never goes to jail? The exterminator.
In the US they make you take an IQ test before they give you a badge and gun. If you pass the test, you don't get the job.
What do you call a black guy who goes to college? A Basketball player.
There are so many scams on the Internet now days, but for $19.95 i can show you how to avoid them.
What would I do if Future tried talking to me? I'd autotune him out. :)
My teacher pointed at me with...... My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said "at the end of this ruler is and idiot!" I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to.
Where do hipsters drown? the mainstream.
What's a good comeback for a women when she's asked to get her husband a sandwich? She better come back with a goddamn sandwich!
What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes? Karma, Whores.
What do you call a chinese pedophile? Pok Um Yung
All refugees are terrorists. (that's the punchline) (No that's actually the punchline)
Two farts are hanging in the couch. Says one fart to the other: "Dude, what are you gonna do tomorrow?" pfffffffffffffffffffffffft
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Butter Wanna hear a joke about butter? I "butter" not tell you, you might "spread it"...haha...makes me laugh every time that one.
What's the difference between parsley and pussy? No one likes to eat parsely.
I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I used to have an ex that always played Minesweeper Should have seen the red flags.
I hate how everyone thinks I'm a d*ckhead just because I go to the gym! I was a d*ckhead well before I went to the gym
Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.
I gave away all my dead batteries recently... ... free of charge, of course.
hilarious joke my penis size
An Art Thief is Sitting in His Driveway... He didn't have any Monet, to buy Degas, to make his Van Gogh.
I'm sorry I whispered "a weem a way" over and over during your jungle safari slide show...
How did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate the pizza before it was cool.
What's the difference between marriage and identity theft? At least with identity theft you know you're getting fucked.
[first day as a soldier] Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs Me: where we going? Army guy: to war, soldier Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
What does an elephant use for a tampon? A sheep
What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl? Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies !!!          I'm sorry, I'll let myself out.
If I work security at the Samsung store, does that make me a Guardian of the Galaxy?
*catches son swearing through sign language* "We don't use that language in this house" *hands him hand sanitizer* "You know what to do"
"What's the matter with your dinner ?" "Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor  later what I've eaten !"
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo Drizzle
I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
Have you seen that new documentary about constipation? Oh that's right, it hasn't come out yet..
The guy who invented predictive text died last night... his funfair is next monkey
Shit happens, I mean, look at your face.
Friday and Monday are twins, but Friday is the twin that likes to party and is always down to bone.
Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amin ! Amin who ? Amin man!
God plays Sims You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
I once bought a llama to surprise my girlfriend... "A llama?" "No, surprise her."
What do you call a doctor who is always on a phone? An oncologist
What is a mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country
Q: Why did Mitt Romney feed his cows money? A: He wanted rich milk.
I ate four bowls of Alphabet Soup... Then I had a massive vowel movement
Sausage fest at my house tonight. Not what you think. Just eating many varieties of sausage. Nice people. Good music. NO GIRLS ALLOWED.
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
2 Jehovah's witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop. If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
Enrique Iglesias wants to 1. Be your hero 2. Kiss away your pain 3. Stand by you forever Enrique Iglesias is your mother
"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.
Just watched the amazing Spiderman 2, thought of this. I thought Spiderman was going to kick the crap out of electro, but it turns out he's black and blue to start with.
What do you call an Englishmam in the Euro championship final A referee
Why don't seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they'd be bagels
A woman, a murderer, a liar, a thief, and a cuckold walk into a bar The bartender asks: "What will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"
What's the difference between a doe and dope? One's gotta pee.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
The worst part of a photographic memory is keeping all the negatives.
Lucifer, chased by an angel, hid himself in the London Philharmonic Orchestra He was eventually found in the horns section.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the one who had a dream. Happy MLK day
My neighbor got an iPad! I know this because I always steal his mail. My new iPad is awesome!
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
8 out of every 5 people are mathematically illiterate
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Two flies on a piece of shit Two Flies are on a piece of shit. One farts and the others goes "Hey! I'm eating here."
Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Then I considered 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
Despite being a longtime single dude, I just *know* that legions of ladies want my body. I've got the figure of a Maxim cover girl.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
At the end of the day, it's 11:59pm.
I just fired my liquid measurement calibration manager He had really poor litership skills.
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP
I ever tell you about the time I dated a midget? I was just nuts over her
I'm friends with a statue. He's really a gneiss guy.
"...and it looks like you spent $80,000 on alcohol this year?" - my tax guy
Why wouldn't blastoise share with charizard? He was a shellfish pokemon.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Him: So whattayou wanna do? Her: I dunno Him: So...You wanna play video games? Her: No! Him: So...You wanna watch me play video games?
Face it. Our planet is bipolar.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because the p is silent.
Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.
Of all the things "Inside Amy Schumer"... ..why can't any of them be funny?
Amy's baking Co. Has just designed a gaming system It's called the Xbox one
What do you find in an empty nose? Fingerprints.
Its such a beautiful day to stay inside and tweet about what a beautiful day it is out there.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Why did the coffee taste like mud? It was ground a few minutes ago.
sometimes i get frustrated because u cant put numbers in caps 12 am I screaming? you'll never know
40-32/2=4! (-1)12 &lt;3 Maths
What did the pope give up for lent? His job.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Slogan idea for a Braille company Loads of high quality Braille products, many of which you've never seen before!
Bernie Sanders and his supporters. The very people who accused Trump of spreading fascism, bigotry, and racism used those very things to close down the rally in Chicago.
A Russian walks into an alchohal rehab facility... Wait...what?
Why was the double leg amputee sentenced to life? He had no leg to stand on.
Hanging out with Helen Keller always made me feel like such a hipster. She'd never heard of any of the bands I like.
If you're thinking about making a sex tape, don't, you're 50.
Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, "We're all so very, very rich."
What animal is the moodiest? A Bi-Polar Bear.
You know what makes me smile? Facial muscles.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
So Helen Keller walks into a bar...
GF asked "Can you hand me my shoes?" Me: "No, but I can feet them to you"
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
What Did Superman Tell Superwoman? Do you want to be in my Crib Tonight (Kryptonite)
*turns around in chair dramatically* Hello... *chair turns around again* ...I've been expecting you... *again* ..., Repair-Man.
I have the perfect body of a 21 year old female... It's in a freezer in my basement
Yo mama so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up
Me: You should really try this lip gloss Her: this is super glue Me: HEAR ME OUT
"Stupid kid fell in the well again." -if Lassie had been a cat
My dog did this i was going outside for 5 minutes and I told my dog not to poop in the house. When I came back, he had pooped in the house.
Have you heard about the Butchers 420 Dodgeball Classic? It's a high steaks game.
"I move that we eliminate paper money altogether and use only coins!" - a stack of change purses disguised as a US Senator
You can put the word "blood" in front of "oranges" and people will still eat them. Don't even try it, bananas.
Q: What did one pig say to the other? A: Let's be pen pals!
Today I saw nice ass, huge cocks, hot chicks and wet pussy. It was a nice day at the farm.
There are plenty of fish in the sea... ...but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? Going in to ask for a coat hanger
Something I told my mom when I was 6... Me: I know what planet has a black hole! Mom: Which one? Me: Uranus
*Wakes up in Superman's body* Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero! *Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*
What did one tower say to the other? I've got a plane to catch.
What does Getting Stoned and GETTING Stoned have in common? both fuck you up...
Have you heard of the new corduroy pillow? It's making headlines
My father used to say "Take everything with a pinch of salt" Nice man. Made terrible tea.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
The cop told me to put the guns down, but I couldn't... they were attached to my body.
I was told politicians didn't take craps I guess that's why they're full of shit
My roommate has a red face all the time. He says it's because of a skin condition but I think he's secretly appropiating native American culture.
A man told me that he wasn't constipated I think he's full of shit.
*saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they're not talking to you anymore
Invention Idea: An alarm clock that keeps screaming "WHAT TEAM?!" and the only way to turn it off is to scream "WILDCATS!!!" in response
I farted in an Apple Store today and got thrown out because of it Not my fault they don't have Windows
Do you get extra points for killing two birds with another bird?
Anybody here named Jeff? Jeff: Yes Geoff: Yeos
I'm so proud of myself, it took me only six months to finish my latest jigsaw puzzle... ...the box said 2-4 years!
[creating animals] God- I want an animal with 2 humps Angel- And a cute face? G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans A- LOL G- LOL
My Mexican friend was babbling hysterically but I just couldn't understand his panic.
You'd think the police would patrol this 'Knifepoint' place more carefully... Especially with all the rape and robberies that are committed there.
 I am under the influence.  I am above the influence.  I AM THE INFLUENCE."
I was going to tell you a joke about Alzheimers But I just don't remember it now
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
What time did Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Ten-ish.
Whoa bltch you dont look like a 100 likes in person.
Guy passes a buff guy on the street and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"
My wife's posted picture she took of me in the shower didn't go viral... Ain't no big thing.
Where does Russia get its water from? De-stalinization plants
Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
To the guy that called twice at 4am, here's your score: Used correct numbers (A+) Dialed numbers in correct order (F-)
I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.
LPT: Never tell a sound technician how they are doing. They hate feedback.
I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.
I started teaching rednecks Spanish Se habla espan ya'll
Where do cats go when they die? Purrgatory!
What happens to Nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen.
It's raining cats and dogs outside. Know how I can tell? I stepped in a poodle.
What did Dexter forget to bring to Art Class? Supplies Mother Fucker
I'm "the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal" years old
It's a boy! "It's a boy!" I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.
"do you know why i pulled you ov.. are you.. pinocchio?" yea, so what "is that a hooker?" uh.. nope, no *his nose hits the fuckin moon*
what's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm Rape!
Saturday usually #followfriday
We shouldn't point out other people's grammar mistakes because one day it will be you're turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist ?  Kermit the Fog !
What does an envelope say when you lick it? Nothing. It just shuts up.
The last person you would ever hear say "hey gang" is someone in an actual gang
When done right parallel parking is a beautiful thing to watch.
Mathematician Problems What do mathematicians do when they are constipated? They work it out with a pencil.
He sees you when you're sleeping,he knows when you're awake A date with Bill Cosby
Q: How do you know a blonde likes you? A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
What's the difference between a bindle of cocaine and a baby?? Eric Clapton wouldn't let one fall out the window
Why don't prawns give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? LET'S GO RIDE OUR BIKES!!
What kind of country has a clown problem? The same one that has 2 clowns running for president!
What happen when you put Einstein in a -20C clean room? You get a solid-state frizzicist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I've had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Guys, I don't think we should drink so much yesterday.
Psychic fair cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggy
Cat 911: What's your emergency? Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I'm scared! Cat 911: Seriously? Cat: No, LOL! Cat 911: LOL!
What do you call a borderline racial slur about a person of Asian decent? A slippery slope.
What kind of math do feminists study ? Triggernometry
Up votes are a bit like my sex life. It doesn't happen.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I'd say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
How can you tell when a German is joking? Don't worry, he will inform you after delivery of the punchline has taken place. Just a joke!
An abacus isn't exciting, but it's reliable. You can always count on one.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
What was Hitler's least favorite pokemon? Pikajew
Why did the dog bark? because its a dog
Yo momma's so pale... I felt like a snow plow last night.
A man walks into... A chemical store and asks the man there for some noble gas. The man replies "sorry, we don't have Ne"
What do you call a number that cant keep still? A roamin numeral.
Did you hear about the horny Asian janitor? First he wax on, then he wax off!
Cake day post: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot
In light of recent events... ...I believe Adrian Peterson should start playing Major League Baseball. He'd be a great *switch* hitter.
What is as big as King Kong but doesn't weigh anything? King Kong's shadow.
Marriage and happiness. Two friends meet on the street. "Heard you got married, you must be so happy." "Yes, I must"
Why do women pierce their bellybutton? Place to hang their air freshener.
I'd tell you a joke about statistics But the punchline is probably outside your range.
My girlfriend is an atheist. Which is a problem, because I'm a god.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High Definition.
Who busted you out of Iraq? Well actually, I-ran
Girl walks into a bar she asks the bartender for a double entendre, *so he gave her one.*
How do you kill a hipster? You drown him in the *Mainstream*
Did you hear about the do-it-yourself  funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.
So my wife got a new sewing machine this week and I know what you guys are thinking.... ...sew what?
A pirate with two peg legs walks into a bar... The bartender looks up from his newspaper and says "you're cut off."
A small bird flew right onto the side of my butt while I was running today I was wrong, there are chicks out there that find me to be their type.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won't even hold the shovel. He's just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*Japanese Zen garden tour* Guide: It's important to be quiet & not disturb the- *Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
To the guy who stole my camouflage jacket on the bus while I was asleep You can hide but you cannot run.
What's the most racist place in a house? The laundry room. It's the only place where the blacks have to be separated from the whites.
*sees sister's facebook post that her dog died* how do i tell her i love her & i'll always be there for her *clicks sad face button* perfect
I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.
Why do people beat their clocks? To kill time.
What do you get if you cross a rooster with a disobedient dog? A cock that doesn't come.
Urban Outfitters is just Spencer Gifts in a fedora.
*logs into Facebook *looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends *comments 'is that your dad' on all of them *logs out of Facebook
Why do Africans wear baggy pants? Because their knee grows.
WhatsApp..... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person says: hi
Why don't witches wear panties? Better grip
Why do cowboys prefer wienie dogs? So they can get a long little doggie.
When does a person decide to become an  accountant? When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020 Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time..... I'm sorry
There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Nothing more awkward than singing happy birthday to a person whose name you don't know.
Free throws are just as good as the store-bought kind.
The state of New Mexico.. When they named the state of New Mexico were they degrading the state or honoring Mexico? it seemed funnier when I first said it. is this how it always happens?
A man walks into a bar with a big slab of asphalt under his arm... He goes to the bartender and says, "Two beers mate, One for now and one for the road"
Why can't black people swim? Because there is no water in Africa.
German humor... It's no laughing matter.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection The judge says, "First offender?" The woman replies, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
Why dont't feminists go to church? They can't stand saying "amen"
Soulja boy was sent to the hospital, what department was he sent to? He was sent to I C UUUUUUUU! ...yes that happened.
I like my women like I like my wings Covered in BBQ sauce
Like a hooker at a truck stop, Twitter goes down every Friday.
Teacher: When you yawn your supposed to put  your hand to your mouth! Pupil: What? and get bitten!
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. Why was seven afraid of eight? Induction.
If you look up "cool" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.
What do you call a perturbed grown-up? An addled adult
Q: What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over the hill? A: "Here come the elephants up over the hill!"
Did you hear about the french man who got raped by a group of mimes? They did unspeakable things to him.
Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
Said the porcupine, "I just love prickled onions."
Why did the angry jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side
You're so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.
Why did the blond get fired from the boomerang factory? She threw away all the bent ones. Why did she get re-hired? They all came back.
If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.
Why don't you ever want Hitler to be your chemistry lab partner? Because he always ends with a really fucked up final solution
I'm 291 away from having 3000 followers on Twitter and 8 away from having 10 friends in real life.
How do dinosaurs like their chicken? RAWWWWWWWW!!!!
What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root Beer.
When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.
You: "Nice glasses." Me: "Thanks. They'd look better on your nightstand."
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
A cartoonist died in his home... Details are sketchy.
How often does the vampire go down on his wife? Periodically
The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.
Job interview Well, tell me about your last job I was a woodcutter And where did you work? Saara Wait, isn't that a des.. you start tomorrow!
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly someone into a wood chipper.
If you're feeling lonely, dim the lights and watch a good horror movie. By the end of it, you won't feel like you're alone anymore.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer nuts are $1.29 a bag. Deer nuts are just under a buck.
There are so many news articles about gametes nowadays... I guess that goes to prove that sex cells.
What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant? Can I have a different server?
How many white people does it take to change a light bulb? One, they just need to call a repairman.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It's called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
What is the #1 book that teaches you all about business The Book of Job
My grandpa says he hates gay men I think he's just bitter about his last boyfriend
Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that's just my onion.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
what do you get when you cross breed humans and goats... baaa..bies
What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham? NO-HAM CHOMPSKY
What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
"What if you get to Heaven and Jesus be like, Naw bruh... remember you kept scrolling?'
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick's Day this year with a quiet dinner at home. Me: Yea, the nursing home...
My wife and I swapped biscuits. I guess you could say we switched rolls.
Q: What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q: What's the best language to describe the hectic holiday shopping season? A: Russian
I stepped on a nail the other day I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point
Why was the belt locked up? Because it held a pair of pants.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust* Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
In Transylvania, it's your Count that votes.
If athletes get Athlete's Foot, what do astronauts get? Missle Toe.
What do valley girls drink? Soo-Duhh!
Ultimate confusion What is the ultimate confusion? Two gay guys in a hottub full of sausages.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a bottom-dwelling scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Today my wife asked, "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?" Turns out "Yes I do" was not the right answer.
*bumpes into my ex on the street *dials a number Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
"Well I should probably get off twitter. I have to be at work in 15 minutes and I haven't even showered yet." - me and at least 100 of you
My GF spent $49 on a haircut. Had she gone to Petsmart she'd have gotten an ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free bandana as well.
Schools are giving kids a bad influence nowadays..... When they go into the real world they'll be expecting free handouts.
Why didn't Jarred order the meatball sub? Because he didn't like the size of the meatballs.
When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs?  Only when they snap at something!
What did one casket say to the other casket? "Is that you coffin?'
If jerk chicken could talk, what would it say? "Fuck-ooooff, fuck-ooooff, FUCK-OFF!!!"
"Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That's EXACTLY what the govt wants" Bride: I shouldn't have let you write your own vows
What's the difference between my penis and the Three Stooges? Women don't point and laugh at the Three Stooges.
If you wanna make hundreds of friends, you gotta wear a t-shirt with a joke on it. People will not stop laughing. "This guy," they'll say.
Trump is supporting the minorities The minority of scientists that disbelieve global warming.
What did the rednecks do for thanksgiving? Pump kin pie. Happy Canadian Turkeyday, you sick bastards!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won't find it nearly as funny as you do.
Yelling out "Stranger Danger!" is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[Dinner with GF's parents] Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom? "MAY I use the bathroom" *slams fists down* I ASKED FIRST
"You ask." "No, you ask!" "Will you please ask?" "Why can't you ask?" "Fine... Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!"
Just burned 2000 calories while in bed. That's the last time I take a nap while the brownies are in the oven.
Dude you hear about the drug lab explosion? It was a real meth.
Now I really am just like Christine O'Donnell (not a Senator)
Honey, can we eat the nougat ? "Is it really hard ?" "Yes, but can we eat the nougat first ?"
How fast can you convince an Italian guy to perform cunnilingus? Licka-de-split.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"
My girlfriend accused me of cheating First it was my wife and now her...
How do you blind an Asian? Put a windshield in front of them.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively. My dentist didn't appreciate it, but yours might.
I took my skateboard around my friend's house. "Wanna see me kickflip?" I asked. "No..." he sighed. He really regrets naming his dog "Flip".
Did you hear about the pizza cook who died in the pizza oven explosion? They had to peel him off the ceiling.
STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood. Pro Tip Addendum: don't set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Stevie Wonder walked into a bar He never saw it coming.
I figured those penguins would thrive in our freezer but no.
What do you get when you goose a ghost? You get a lot of sheet.
[interview] Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? Me: "OMG I'M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!"
What do you call a cow with no legs? ...ground beef
What's Alex's (from 'A Clockwork Orange') preferred type of light? Ultraviolent
I didn't realize the dark backstory of some of these Disney characters. Like, Goofy is brain damaged from untreated syphilis.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our shittiest table.
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? DAMN! My friend told me this the other day not sure where it came from but I laughed 
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
What do black Eskimos live in? A nigloo.
A tourist asks a Scottish villager "Do you have a local attraction?" "We used to- he answers- but she got married."
I don't see why everyone likes circles so much They're so pointless.
How do you get a goldfish's attention? A U! Fish!
"Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You're boring. I'm leaving... Jk I'm back. Hey" - Birds
Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like... Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.
two toms and a hi-hat fall off a cliff... bu-dum tss
What did the snobby bird say to the poor bird? *Cheep, cheep.*
I have an invisible friend. I haven't seen him for some time now.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea I won't pay 200 to have a lentil on my face
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Hi guys it's my first time to post on reddit, what should i do?
Gay bars have different rules at the pool table... They play balls in hand.
Senator Clinton what is your favorite flavor of pie Well the Republicans........... Edit: Secretary
If there's three people, it's usually a threesome. If there's two people, it's called a twosome. And if a guy is single? He's usually called handsome.
I've got a Turkish friend. She's not hot or cold. Shawarma.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
If life had a 'CTRL + ALT + DEL' option, you bet your ass I'd be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
Why did the kid only water half the lawn? Because there was a 50% chance of rain
I entered a contest to win a set of really nice vegetable knives ...but no dice.
D'ya hear about the guy that drowned in a bowl of muesli? A currant pulled him under.
How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine.
What did the programmer from the biker gang say? "It ain't gonna be soft where my engine nearing!"
What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass? "Hey! Look at the cow's nest!"
30 cows, 28 chicken. how many didn't? 10
What does bigamy mean? One wife too many. What does monogamy mean? Same fucking thing.
They used to be called Jumpolines. Until your mom jumped on one in 1972.
Apparently when I'm at Olive Garden I'm family. So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.
I've been a little worried about the voices I hear in my head,.. .. luckily one of them is a therapist and he's been helping me through it.
What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight? Trans fats.
How are martinis like breasts? They are better shaken, not stirred. I usually have one in my hand. One is too few and three are two many.
JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you! ME: do u count? JM: what ME: you're a ghost. Do u count? JM: dude this the kinda shit they don't like
I had a friend who was a mushroom He was a fungi.
Matthew McConaughey's car can't make left turns. This is very dangerous. He should get that repaired
Why are barns so noisy? All the cows have horns
Why does Snoop Dog carry around an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in. See if that works.
Shaking hands is so weird: "Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association.
Roses are red, Violets are Blue .. Nothing poetic, they are just facts.
If a bulldog and a shitzu mated, their off-spring would be called a dog-zu
What s the weight of a hipster? One Insta-gramm
Apple: Words with Friends Twitter: Words w strangers FB: Words w relatives Ouija: Words w dead friends Prayer: Words w imaginary friends
why is there cotton in pill bottles? to remind black people that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers!
Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.
The developers of Apple Maps first big mistake was not calling it Mapples.
What's the difference between sand and period blood? You can't gargle sand.
*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn* Hey Finn I bet you shop at *dramatic pause* Traitor Joes!!! *High fives Hux*
What on Earth did the NASA discover? Nothing, it was on Mars
Just got real sweaty because I started thinking about a babe in an ankle-length all denim overall dress
My new juice cleanse is called Vodka with a side of Tonic
What's the highest thing in existence? A female's issues. They won't ever be able to get over them.
What did the German physicist call his beer mug? Ein stein.
imagine a stadium full of Furbies all talking at once
If my girl didn't want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn't have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
I was appalled to learn about Hitler's uprising. Anne Frankly, I did Nazi that coming.
What do you call a small hairy man of folk legend who's selfish during an orgy? A knob-hoggin' hobgoblin!
Did you hear about the woman who beat Usain Bolt? Turns out it was race related.
I see fewer cats on my front page. I've been told that Curiosity killed them.
I just heard Hillary Clinton got a shoe endorsement It's from Flip Flop
Will you tell you the story of the huge sad wall? I shouldn't, you'll never get over it.
Why was the tomato blushing? He saw the salad dressing.
A jumper cable walks into a bar The bartender says okay I'll serve you, as long as you don't start anything.
Why couldn't the pony sing? He was a little horse.
Knock knock Who's there A blond Blond who I'm just blond, does this seem like a joke? No, you're the joke :3
Are knee pads... ... the perfect gift, for givers?
What did Clinton say when accused of copying  his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford? I did not have textual relations with that woman.
What do you call a butt inspection by ISIS? Anal-isis.
Priests, TV personalities and now MPs guilty of bum fidderling no wonder us children of the 70/80s bang on about playing outside all day...who the f*ck would have wanted to go indoors
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.
What do a fly and a boner have in common? You can't go to sleep without whacking it.
Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas? The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!
A kid asks his Dad to show him a magic trick... Dad says, "Sure" then he disappears and never returned.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.
Why do redneck men enjoy Halloween so much? They love to pump kin.
When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
What do you call it when the Speaker of the House is angry? .... A raging Boehner.
What's the difference? NSFW What's the difference between regular sex and anal sex? Regular sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your whole week Edit: fucking autocorrector
What's the grossest number? 6.9 because it's a 69 with a period in the middle.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his arse.
what type of jeans does Mario wear? denim denim denim
Where does the Empire buy their robes? The Darth Mall!
Liberal Congress people didn't get gunned down while a white guy was president. Just sayin'...
What does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
Dyslexic, but I have a cunning stunt.
What do delinquent shapes get up to? Shenanigons
Have you heard about all the decapitations happening in the Middle East right now? I certainty won't beheading their anytime soon! -wink-
A pond would tell you about introspection if it wasn't so busy self-reflecting.
Did you hear about the redneck family campout? It was fucking intense
What do you get when you cast Michael J. Fox as Walter White? Shaking Bad.
What's the definition of "trust"? Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
What's the only day Asian people can have sex?? Election day
I met a guy who said he was a test tube baby. I said, groovy, daddy-o.
"I think we should stab other people." - Masochists breaking up
WAy back in the day Canada was originally called CND So America calls CND and asks them to spell it so they know what to write on their maps. The guy from CND replies, "C eh, N eh, D eh."
A man tried to steal a bag of Chips He was foiled the very moment he opened the bag
Relationship status : Taken (for granted)
How do comedians send messages? By tee-hee mail.
How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I thought it was sweet that the Democratic debate maintained a Paris related theme... The whole debate was Bernie Sanders and Martin O'Malley Eiffel Towering Hillary Clinton.
Alcoholics don't run in my family... They stumble around breaking things
Q. Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes? A. To remind her that "toes go in first."
*steps on a Lego* *shouts a bunch of obscenities* Son: *walks in* is football on?
What did one loaf of bread say to the other? Weirdo.
What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough? "Mmm. Canapes."
I know it's International Women's Day but I'd like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Chimps Broke Out of Ferguson Zoo Apparently they're starting fires across town.
My sensitive toothpaste can't stop crying.
What do you call a pizza chef on an airplane? A flying saucer.
How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.
It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "Right of Way" with "Immortality."
Did you hear the story about the frog? It was ribbeting.
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.
Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team? Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours? A: Nacho cheese!
Calling someone 'one in a million' in China means they aren't that special.
I support Trump on a number of issues, but the one thing I cannot get over is the wall heh
A blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio.. It says that two Brazilian men were killed. She stats crying and says, "How many is a brazilian?"
what do you call a private, romantic rendezvous between two feet a podiatryst
Don't hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That'll cut down teen pregnancy
"Expose yourself to Art" they said "Art will tase you and call the cops on you" they didn't say
They say the black community isn't to fond of gay marriage... maybe its for the best.. I mean... who needs two dead beat fathers?
Have you heard what scientists are saying about Pluto? Apparently he's too small to be a dog.
I'm addicted to Nun porn... It's a bad habit.
Why did Al Gore have to schedule a dentist appointment? Because of an inconvenient tooth.
i take my gf on a balloon ride to propose. a field of wild flowers spells Women Are Crooks. "oops sorry." i apologize. "that ones for my dad
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
So Rene Descartes walks into a bar The bartender asks, "Do you want a beer?" Descartes responds, "I think not!" poof. he disappeared
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk? The cookie!
I never ask for people to send me thoughts & prayers but, while sitting at Starbucks a man standing behind me farted on my shoulder.
If you capitalize 'him' in your tweets I'm gonna automatically assume you're subtweeting god.
That awkward moment in church when you put your hands together to pray & you see the stamp from last night & you remember...
My mom once got drunk and stabbed me because I look like my Father... ...But hey the past is the past. She's sober now and I can finally walk again.
Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested. Put her head right through the drywall. Goddam cheap motels.
What do you call a woodland elf without any connecting plastic bricks to play with? Legolas
If they crossover the stories of King Midas and Oedipus... It'll be pure motherfucking gold!
How do you stop an Albanian tank? You shoot the guy pushing it.
Him: Come check out my church! Me: Him: They play rock music! Me: Him: It's cool! Me: Does it have church in it? Him: Yes... Me: *click*
What do asian cannibals eat? "rawmen"
What do you get when you cross a gay man and a jew? A hit Brodway show
So I woke up to find that someone had stolen my assignment for my communications class... I was speechless...
People who grew up in the 50's will get this. I was 15 before I realized that there was no reason why women's slacks had the zipper on the side.
My name is Bjorn and I used to live in California I was Bjorn in the U.S.A. I was Bjorn in the U.S.A. I was Bjorn in the U.S.A.
What is the difference between a black guy and a white guy that sells drugs? One's a pharmacist and the other's a drug dealer.
I hate Ancient Greek History! Fuck the poleis!
What did the Calendar say to the Wall-clock the moment it became June 1st? "I am dismayed!"
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Hey'd you hear about that guy who's half Indian, half Canadian? Yeah, his name is Aziz I'msorry
Regarding the change of pm in Australia... Thought that it was abbot time it changed since it turn-ed blue for Tony ... I'll see myself out
Why did the stop sign get an STD? Because it had a 4-way.
Two termites walk into a bar... "Excuse me sir, is the bar tender here?"
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you've never been married and you love spending time with him?
Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.
I was arrested for stealing shoes... I just wanted to pay less at Payless!
I don't know who this Rorschach guy is but..... Why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder...does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
What did the electrical engineer do when she found out that she hadn't won the lottery? She soldered on.
A clown is walking through the woods with a kid The kid looks up at the clown, "It's getting late, and I'm getting scared." Clown says, "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
How do you get four gay guys on a bar stool? Flip it over
Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? Because at 69 they blow a rod.
A buddy and I are in the same programming class My friend starts writing down a note I look at it He says "Hay! That note is private" I respond "But we are in the same class"
What is the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay.
Why did ISIS burn 10000 copies of "Dark Side Of The Moon"? Because it's a terrible album.
How long do chickens work ? Around the cluck !
What's a pirate's favorite letter? The C
If Thom Yorke and Emily Haines hooked up... ...would it be called radiometric dating?
I like my woman like I like my shoelaces. Curvy, loose, and easy to finger.
Did you hear about the Italian playwright ? He bribed The Broadway League to give an award to his show "Rigatoni".
Nothing like listening to old school rap on the way to the office to make you want to smack a bitch.
Why does the prosecutor only choose jurors who drive Hummers? So that there's no chance of a hung jury
Pro Tip: If you're on a fishing boat and someone calls you Chum, they're probably not being friendly.
Hitler pun "Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals." Hitler: "So mine less." Grammar Nazi busts in. "MINE FEWER." (Hitler looks up) "Yes?"
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me. *flips coin into ceiling fan, it's knocked out a window into the sea*
It must be hard to be the fat kid in your classroom... And must be even harder for Kim Jong Eun, who is the only fat kid in his country.
Ronda Rousey says she contemplated suicide. Holly Holm declined the rematch though.
How does one find out the sensitivity of a gentleman's balls? Test tickles
"As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants
[Request] Can I have a joke about early 20th century writing, poetry, or T.S. Eliot? Not a joke...just a request to the more talented. Thanks in advance!
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? None they both eat out.
Q: What's green and has wheels? A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Badum tish. Hey, so this baby seal walks into a club.
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... ...I don't know y
You'd be shocked at how easy it is to walk into a nursing home and draw mustaches on the dementia patents
Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off!
Romeo and juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13 & 17 year old that caused 6 deaths. #readtheplay
My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub. That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.
So... what do you call a sexual tree? A pork-u-pine My brain is dumb
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Have you heard there's a new disease you can get from using Linux? It's Terminal. (OC joke.)
"Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?" "we... can't find him at all" "DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH"
When you are dying... Make sure your final words fit on a tombst
My grandma warned that boys only want one thing from me. So I hid my PlayStation 3.
To all the people making jokes about Reddit and not putting any additional text:
I wanted to go to Neptune But Uranus is in the way.
Have you heard the joke they don't tell stupid people?
A tiger got his tail caught in a lawn mower... He looked at it and said, "It won't be long now...."
Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
[Dark humor/Offensive] The difference Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
THEM: Hey-- ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this. THEM: I just watched you say "ring ring." ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Have you heard that new Ethiopian kids rap group? Skin &amp; Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Tests are like jokes... You just gotta get through them, and sometimes you find out they're not that bad! And other times you have cancer.
What do you call an ape that's both extremely frugal and fearful? A cheap pansy
"What a nice doggie." "I'll have you know it's not a doggie but a pure bred." "YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!"
Ey gurl, are you a TSA agent? Because I've got an unattended package I think you should investigate.
How much did the pirate spend on his earings? A buck an ear.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I'm back to square one.
[Hall of Justice] Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser's floating fortress? Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
What type of car would Jesus drive? A Chrysler
(NSFW) What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.
How does a farmer send messages? By e-i-e-i-o-mail.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Easy to have sex with.
[date] HER: So do you like Star Wars? ME: Oh yeah HER: Who's your favorite character? ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[NSFW] What starts with an R and ends with a sentence? Rape
3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it's not that cold out!? Me:So other Moms don't judge me and talk shit, Buddy.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bjorn ! Bjorn who ? Bjorn with a silver spoon in his mouth !
Why does Jay Z love Christmas? Because he's the best wrapper alive.
What fish sounds like a telephone?  Herring herring...herring herring...herring herring.
Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
This guy at the bar wouldn't shut up about how Zombies "could be real" So I killed him... If he comes back...He wins the argument
There was a king with three cups. He filled the first cup. He filled the second cup. But he left the third cup empty. What was the kings name? King Philip the Third.
If you teach a Pokemon substitute.. Does that mean you're a substitute teacher?
I heard that people from Taiwan are impatient and agressive... I guess they have a Taipei personality.
I had a dream you were a tire last night. I woke up and you were bald.
It's my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
So a man walks into a bar... And hurts his head.
Why are 9/11 jokes never funny? Because they always fly over everyone's head.
From all the butts, ours is the most important.
Why did the boy call 911 when his father ran a red light? He didn't want to go home early and do his homework!
Need help with your math homework? Visit mcdonalds.com/careers
Last night, I woke up to the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my room. At first I was afraid, I was petrified...
Whats the difference between an onion and a hooker? I dont cry when I cut up a hooker
Did you hear about the dairy farmer who got kicked off his farm for not having any livestock? It was a no cows eviction.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Staple a piece of toast to the ceiling.
If you think "Pearl Jam" Is an oriental sex act, you might be a redneck
Do you ever pretend like you didn't see something so the other person doesn't feel embarrassed.
Sex is like pizza If you're going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what the fuck you're doing
Was the Nintendo hungry? Nah, it 8 a byte earlier.
I call seahorses just 'horses' and the brown, cloppity ones 'landhorses'.
I went to an orgy... And all I got was this cummy t-shirt.
Back in my day, we didn't have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My friend told me how electricity was measured. And I was like watt.
Q: WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX? A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I had a Bernie supporters joke..... But most of them don't work.
What do lesbians like best about sex? Tastes great...less filling....TASTES GREAT!!! LESS FILLING!!!
"Just be yourself" is great advice to maybe 12% of people.
Why are higher quality CD/DVD players white? Because they read.
Astronomers have used liquid water as an indicator for planet habitability... ...they might also need to add whether the planet has a Trump elected as president
So an iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".
A Higgs boson walks into a bar... ...the barman doesn't understand.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?" And that's my long-term solution to religion.
95% of people masturbate while showering, the rest sings one specific song, which one?... No idea? Then I know what group you belong to ;)
I went to the zoo the other day... It was just a really bad zoo overall, just a run down old place. It had only animal too, a dog. It was a shih tzu.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove Im soapless without you I'll never get clean Now that you are all gone *grabs shampoo mic* IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
What's the difference between Ozzy Osborne and Whitney Houston? One plays hard rock, the other is rock hard.
Why were the potato people upset with their leader? He was a dick-tater
What do you get when you throw a grenade in a French kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart
What's the MOST offensive religious joke you know?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
What cause of death prevents a man from having a closed-casket funeral? Viagra overdose
there's a guy with a pt cruiser at the car wash bet it's hard to keep clean when girls are just constantly smashing their pussies against it
New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak".
Teacher: What's a robin? Fred: A bird that steals ma'am.
How do astronauts say they're sorry? They apollo-gize.
Say one positive thing about your opponent Well...he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If Iron man and Silver surfer... teamed up they would be Alloys.
Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don't think of this word, a random man will be put to death.
Has mankind ever fallen further short of his potential than "second verse same as the first?"
The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ? He had no body to go with !
What happened to the Asian man that walked into a wall with an erection? He broke his glasses.
They say it's not the destination, it's the journey.........Except when you're heading to the bathroom with diarrhea...
Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.
"Is anyone here named Jeff?" Jeff: Yes Geoff: Yeos
Have you heard Neil Diamonds new Christmas song? I can't recall the lyrics but I remember it had a sweet carol line
I don't know how many problems I have... ...because math is one of them.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Jose and Hose B
Helen Keller's two favorite colors Corduroy and velcro
When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this... Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side!
Today I saw two blind people fighting I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!" They both run away.
Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years Q: What did you do before you were married sir? A: *with teary eyes* whatever the hell i wanted to do ...
I'm not lazy I'm just energy efficient
Did you hear about the microbiologist who travelled around the world? He was a man of many cultures
A joke about Germans - I m German and i was rolling on the floor laughing about it Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground? A: Because deep down they are really nice.
An English man asked an American how he liked his tea The American replied, "in the harbor."
"Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?" "Okay" *Mom returns with Morgan Freeman* "I love you mom"
Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!
What's the difference between a Priest and a Wristwatch? A priest's hands stop at 10.
I don't get why everyone told me how great it is to swim with dolphins. I've been stuck in this tuna net for five days.
What's long and thick and turns conservative women on? The Bible
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude's castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Why do blacksmiths go to jail? Forging.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
What's the best way to send a letter to Prince Charles? Heir mail
I'm beginning to think I'm a terrible host. Hubs says it's rude to answer every question with "I don't know. Get the fuck out of my house."
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner] Date: are you crying?
I hate when someone calls me arrogant. Especially when they're clearly beneath me.
What do you call a pan-sexual man named Nick who works at a CD store? Pan Nick at the Disc Co.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
*The First Ever Rodeo "...Does anyone know what we're supposed to do?"
Where do bears go after smoking some weed? Hibearnation
I bought an iBoat and it's syncing!
What would you call Macaulay Culkin if he was black? Homie alone
When you talk you repeat what you already know; but if you listen you often learn something new.
What is the best joke you have heard? Any best joke
"LOOK AT ME, I'M AN ASSHOLE!" - People in yellow cars.
Texted Mom a question & she didn't answer right away. I'm going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he's just not that into you.
If "Clue" came out in 2015, there'd be a fourth ending where the killer is gluten.
What is a joke that works on many levels? HR Department.
How do you burn a lot of calories at once? Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match
You don't need a parachute to go sky diving You need a parachute to go sky diving twice
I watched somebody tell a dad joke in slow motion. It was even funnier because the slow-mo made him look drunk. Finally, a relevant dad joke.
I was hit on the head by a soda can once But luckily it was a soft drink!
My kids operate the house under the HYDRA principle For every light I turn off, three more get turned on to take their place.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
A Nazi Redditor walks into a B.A.R He died.
Doctor's appt: doctor checked me for hernia. Oddly replaced typical "turn your head and cough" with "who's my dirty bitch."
How many straight men in california does it take to change a lightbulb? both of them
My child-free blog is attracting a ton of pedophiles. It's called "Fuck Kids".
So I had some Oasis soup today... Got a roll with it!
Why did the console peasant cross the street? To render the building on the other side!
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this Republicans are in full agreement.
What comes in hard, comes out soft, and what do you blow hard? chewing gum, you sicko...
I got 99 issues... And they are all collectable national geographics.
You said it was a great horse and it is. It took twenty other horses to beat him!
I don't think black people know that you can get just one tattoo.
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.
Whats the most slippery country? Greece.
oops i queefed
My heart sank when I received the text message "I am breaking up with you. It's over between us" from my partner. But "Sorry, wrong number baby" came afterwards. Whew, what a relief!
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
What is the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies? My erection.
Things presently more popular than Congress: - shingles - those annoying stickers they put on apples - tofurkey - bone fractures - road ham
Why did the hipster burn his fingers? because he changed the light bulb before it was cool
What was the Seagull's favorite online streaming service? Netfocks
My wife is such a terrible cook... We say grace after we're done eating.
We should replace Punxsutawney Phil with Ben Bernanke... that motherfucker also never gets it right.
Guys, I know we're 3 days from Inauguration Day... But here's how Bernie Sanders can still win!
What do you call a professional tennis player that keeps serving out? Novak Chokeovic
According to Einstein, "Everything is relative." Sort of like the marriages in Alabama.
How many reddit admins does it take to screw in a light bulb Ill let you know once they get back to me
How do you find hundreds of jokes about finding Will Smith in the snow? Type "fresh prints" in the "search reddit" box at the right.
What's Forrest Gump's Password? 1FORREST1
You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time,  they could star or retweet some of the good ones.
Cold War Hungarian Joke Communism is the noble struggle by the proletariat to overcome problems that only exist under Communism.
The down arrow key on my laptop isn't functional. IT asked me if they should call the on-site repair guy to come in today... I told them it wasn't pressing.
They say, "the grass is greener on the other side..." That's why Pablo, my landscaper, imports my marijuana.
My girlfriend thinks I'm stalking her. Well, she's not my "girlfriend."
Russell Crowe arrested for cannibalism After been asked by the judge did he have any regrets for eating the female victim, Russell shook his head and said he was "Glad he ate 'er"
Have you guys seen Stevie Wonder's new concert? Neither has him.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? Mick Jagger says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!", but the Scotsman says "Hey! McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
Guys, I'm quitting Halloween. I'm on the pumpkin patch!
What do you call with a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky
I still haven't been able to deal with the fact that Jessica Simpson has had two children and didn't name either one "Homer"
There are only 10 types of people in this world... (probable repost) the ones who understand binary code and he ones who don't
I hate dolphins... ...for all intents and porpoises.
"What do we want?" "HEARING AIDS!" "When do we want them?" "HEARING AIDS!"
I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.
A Sober Irishman
"Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I'll hold." - Bane
The awkward moment when you're wearing Nike's and can't do it.
Keeping busy in prison
I wore Pirates of the Caribbean pajama pants to the gym and ran backwards on the treadmill because I want a nickname there.
A lame joke I thought of at work yesterday "A tie for a tie leaves the whole world looking great"
The way I see it, each lap I make around Costco's frozen food section should work off each sample I get from the ice cream sandwich lady.
Where did the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan.. [me] aww [eharmony] ..full of raccoons [me] omg I love raccoons
I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7. I call it: Windows 98.
Hell is nothing but a bunch of moms asking for help with their laptops.
My uncle always said "One in the hand is worth two in the bush." He died a virgin.
My wife said sex with me is like enjoying a piece of Fruit Stripes gum... The best 3 seconds of her life.
Somewhere there's a DJ Tanner spinning to a full house and that's what keeps me going you guys.
I just quit my job, I couldn't work for my boss after what he said to me He told me that I was fired
My ex... My ex was like a rock pool. Shallow, but interesting. And upon closer inspection I found crabs.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
What's Sarah Palin's favorite thing to do in the summertime? Parah Salin.
What are goosebumps for? To slow down speeding geese!
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar..... He buys a drink.
I hate pillow talk when I sleep alone. It just gets me down.
Why did Johnny drop his ice cream? No you sadistic fucks, he did not get railed by a truck. He just tripped and fell :)
What is the one army in the world that could defeat the US army in a war? The Reddit army!
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long if you're fat.
Why didn't Kevin from Home Alone call the cops when the burglars came around? He was running a trap house.
Why is the number 8 the only number that goes to heaven? When it dies it becomes immortal. &amp;#8734;
How did the bucket's mom know he was sick? He was a little pail.
What do you call someone who LOVES Wikipedia? A Wikipedophile!
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Strong and from Cuba
If I were Amish, I'd have to convert to Pmish cause I'm not a morning person.
An old man died while having sex. (NSFW) He really went out with a bang.
My favorite sex position is solely based on how bad your breath is.
What does a camera have in common with a condom? They both capture that special moment.
So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.
My dog is an alcoholic... So he had to be put in the 20 step program.
I'm not hungry but I'm going to eat these Oreos because they're there. Americans.
A guy orders a pizza He asks "How long will the pizza be?" The waiter replies "About 12 inches."
The forecast isn't calling for rain so I'm just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
This just in! You read this
I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad
Science! A scientist is asked: "So, how exactly do you make a hormone?" His response: "Kick her in the cunt!"
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? Denim denim denim
Where do kids with ADHD go? To concentration camps.
"Hey look a flock of cows!" "...Herd of cows..." "Of course I've heard of cows! There's a whole flock of them over there!"
What is the worst icebreaker? The Titanic
today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle
What do you call an autistic kid that accidentally ate a pot brownie? A baked potato.
The price of Helium is rising... Inflation sucks.
Your mom's had so many trains run on her... ...they call her The Island of Sodor.
What do you call a whore's laughter? Ho hos
"Age is just a number" ...so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
What kind of woman are the most irrational? The ones with the golden proportions!
Where does one drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
I just voted for Pluto to be a planet again.
If Donald Trump has been married three times... Does that make Melania the "Third Lady"?
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.
Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over. Sorry for the repost.
What's the worst part about seeing 4 black people go off a cliff in a Cadillac? Cadillac seats 5.
Do you know why super villains are so good at math? Because of all their practice plotting.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
How man redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. One to change it and nine to downvote for no reason.
What was the hexadecimal 6 afraid of the Canadian hexadecimal 7? Because 7 8 9 A
Why did God create women? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
What did GB say to EU? Peace out, EUROn EUROwn!
Stop scrolling. You need to sleep. (:
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Why does Snoop Dogg wear a condom? Fo jizzle.
What's the difference between a fedora and a fedina? "A fedina? What's a fedina?" "*a-Spaghetti and meatballs!*" Try it out. Just try it. This holiday season.
How many gays does it take to change a light bulb? The light bulb shouldn't need to change in order for society to accept it.
The lights at JayZ's house weren't working, so he called me to fix it. Now he's got 99 problems but the switch ain't one.
My State of the Union I am from Illinois, but I also lived in Arizona for a while.
Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments? Idk, accordion to research I guess.
They're playing Earth, Wind and Fire. I was not prepared to party this hard at Home Depot.
Men go through 3 stages in life: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.
So You Think You're The One Guy Who Can Wear A Fedora Without Looking Like A Douche
What do you call herpes on a scarecrow? A corn on the cob
So I was Complaining about 1st world problems the other day When I realized that my complaining is a first world problem
What's the difference between Acne and a Catholic priest? Acne cums on your face after you're 12.
i finally checked out chatroulette. i saw three fornicators, two masturbaters, and a partridge in a pear tree.
I'm on hold and My call is important to them.
The Thing About Godzilla Sex... Is that you can see it coming a mile away.
What do you call a fat computer? A Dell ( probably a repost, I laughed tho)
Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5,6 come before 1,2,3? Because in charge of planning, yoda was.
With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
"Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." - crickets (translated)
I like my women how I like my microwaves Cold on the inside and killing every baby you put into them.
A trigonometry professor attends a frat party at UCLA I heard he wore a soc-alt-oga.
Why did the Founding Fathers hire accountants from Prague? They needed a system of Czechs and balances.
Kim Jong Un Wins World Series Our dear leader has thrown a 27-pitch perfect game to win the World Series. He is such a beautiful pitcher, he makes every batter pop up as soon as they see him.
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink...
If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.
Ran my first 10K this morning. Just kidding I'm on my third donut.
What's gonna happen if Hilary Clinton gets elected as President. The kitchen staff are gonna wonder why she's missing.
My out-of-office voicemail greeting is just a solid three minutes of dry heaving.
How many archaeologists does it take to change a  light bulb? Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.
Made the decision that I'm done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people? God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles* Me: oh God: *nods solemnly*
Conversation between two accountants at a  cocktail party: ".......and ninthly..."
An old married couple is talking... ...when the husband asks,"Sweetheart, have you ever slept with other men ?" "No, I only slept with you. I was awake with the others."
You guys wanna hear a joke? My life.
My friend told me I don't know the meaning of irony Which was really ironic because we were at a bus station.
An English teacher tells a knock knock joke Teacher: Knock Knock Student: Who's there? Teacher: To Student: To who? Teacher: To *whom*
Why Do Women Love Jesus? He was well hung and super into cross fitting!
You haven't Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
Girls don't dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked all the  time
Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
Bras are annoying: They really get on my tits. I am from the UK and have no idea whether this works in any other country at all.
when i end emails with best, talia it is not abbreviated well-wishes, but letting you know that i am the best talia.
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram!
I lost my rutabaga I'm sure it'll turnip somewhere.
TIL They Discovered a Gay Dinosaur It was a Megasoreass
When somebody I blocked gets RT'd into my timeline it's like they're violating their restraining order.
Every time you have McDonald's as a kid, it's a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it's a defeat.
How does a leopard change its spots ?  When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another !
Do you wanna play the rape game? "no?" Well that's the spirit!
I need a joke for a medical residency interview! Halp!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl's, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man!
I created an Erectile Dysfunction support group once, But it flopped, Nobody came
My eyes always hurt whenever I have sex It's probably the pepper spray
Don't sell yourself short, in fact, don't sell yourself at all. I'm pretty sure it's illegal
How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? THREE. One to bend over, one to screw in the bulb, and one to drive the gay pride float!
Rocket Ship Did you hear about the rocket ship that didn't go up to space? It had projectile dysfunction
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes Until I got drunk, and put them on
It's impossible not to look creepy whispering to a child
Why do black people have red eyes after sexual intercourse? Because of the pepper spray.
I was pretty excited about this box of elbows before I saw that it was only macaroni.
I missed the lunar eclipse, but I've seen shadows before, so I get how awestruck everyone was.
My friend asked me why I act so insecure when he would talk to my girlfriend. I don't remember what my answer was, but their son Malcolm turns two next month.
Euphemism? I 'ardly know 'im!
What do Scottish owls sing? Owld Lang Syne.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
I'm afraid of good looking guys That's why I never keep a mirror in my house.
What do you call a pig who overacts? A ham ham.
We are family, even though you're fatter than me Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me." -
Most girls know what they're wearing next Halloween because they saw another girl wearing it last night.
Does French wine really taste like urine? Oui.
How did the hipster narco escape from prison? By going underground
Dirty Dancing is my favorite movie about a girl who cannot dance at all, but wins a dance competition because her partner has a great mullet
How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hella.
TIL four Chinese brothers attempted to invent the airplane but failed miserably Apparently two Wongs don't make a Wright
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay. I got full marx.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It may take me a while to get hardI just got laid last night.
i really like the name saturn it has a nice ring to it
What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together? it's must-up ..*rubs brow*
Why did the Korean restaurant have a lesbian appreciation day? Because they know they love to eat pussy!
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." .... The man replies, "Tits!"
I got my girlfriend the perfect Valentine's Day present today. Hand lotion.
What do you call a confused gnu? A bewildebeest.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Is the Capitol of Kansas pronounced "Wichitay" or "Wichitah?" It's pronounced "Topeka."
What do you call a guy who likes to hang out with musicians? A drummer.
Where did the piglets study their ABC's? At a school for higher loining.
How does Chris Martin play monopoly? With a paira, paira, pairadice
Doesn't it concern you that stick bugs are way more complex than stick people? They're on a whole other dimension
What's the difference between a baby and a politician? Saying they are full of sh*t means 2 completely different things.
I like sleeping outside. No hobo.
[After reading vows] Me: Why are you upset? Her: Me: Was it the Donald- Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I saved a girl from getting raped today I stopped chasing her
Once, in 2006, I stayed off the internet for an entire 19 minutes.
There are only two reasons to hate gay marriage. Either you're dumb or you're secretly worried that dicks are delicious.
password that you shouldn't use dick
*gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] "Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"
"Fuck unions!" he furiously typed... On his day off.
How does a crazy person get out of the woods? They take the psychopath.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor's waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them! to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on
What's the difference between acne and a child molester? Acne waits till you are 13 to come on your face.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don't have to do that but I still also do that?
The John Deere manure spreader It's the only product the company won't stand behind
What's the final product Steve Jobs released? The iDied
What do a mosquito and my ex have in common? They both try to suck you dry, try to have babies with your DNA, and then you find them sucking off someone else.
Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed. 
How do you make a Gorilla stew? You keep it waiting for three hours!
Opinions are like orgasms Mines more important and I really don't care if you have one.
What do pessimists use... Q: What do pessimists use to wash their clothes? A: Deterrent.
A new test was conducted to study how fat Americans are getting; the test results are as follows: 60% are deemed overweight 30% are deemed morbidly obese 10% ate the test
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
What happened when the reporter fell into the water? She became an anchor...
I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*
My dementia keeps getting progressively fruit pants.
Did you hear about the guy who is addicted to drinking brake fluid? It's okay though, he said he can stop whenever he wants.
I wanted a dog. My wife wanted a cat. We had to compromise so we got a cat.
What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?
I think I made up a joke. What do rappers use to wash their clothes? BLEEE-AAAACH!
shoutout to social anxiety but very quietly and while no one is looking
I asked my gynecologist what the medical term for queefing is... Twatulence.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.
Saw a sign outside of an office building which said.. .. "Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled"
A man and his buddy walk out of a bar and see a dog licking himself... One looks to the other and says, "I wish I could do that!". His buddy looks at him and says, "He would probably bite you".
Why did Kim Jong Un have so many books? Because he is North Korea's great reader.
Weight loss How can you help a fat person lose a quick 300 pounds? Give them a gun
*brakes hard* *throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
An Asian goes to the optometrist... The optometrist says, after a moment or two: "I see what the problem is...you have a cataract." The Asian immediately replies: "no no, it's a Rincon Continental."
[My band playing on stage] New GF's friend: Which one is the boy you've been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
F(x) walks into a bar The bartender looks at him and says "sorry, we don't cater for functions"
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that's why it's called chemist "try"
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.. Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature
Good times + Crazy friends = Amazing memories. 
these days it seems like all the talented promisimg sandwich artists work for Subway, churning out the same lifeless corporate sandwibch art
My next door Neighbour's Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched. A few minutes later, so was she.
Where did Robin Williams go after he died? To the Mork.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he's being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
That spray tan made me smell like burnt hair & cat pee with a coconut twist. If I could bottle this stench, I'd call it Jersey Whore Breeze.
Why is sperm white? Because it can swim
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate a tit a lot.
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster. ^(I'll show myself out)
My family doesn't have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Why did the couple bring a melon to their honeymoon? Because they cantaloupe...
RIP George Michael I guess this was his 'Last Christmas'. What? Too soon?
I heard that if you give Obama a prostrate massage The world will be at your finger tips.
What disease do horses fear most? Hay Fever!
I seasoned my beef with too much salt I'm salty.
What do a sprinkler and an unemployment line have in common? Spic-spic-spic-CHINK-nigga-nigga-nigga-spic-spic-spic-CHINK-nigga-nigga-nigga (say out loud at your own risk)
How does a witch make scrambled eggs ? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with  fright ! 'Owl be seeing you later.'
Men who don't understand why their woman is mad at them need to realize the woman doesn't know why either.
Senator John Tester from Montana and his executive assistant both have only seven fingers. That is so hot!
When someone stands next to me at the urinals, I can't pee because I'm nervous they'll see the kitten I keep in my pants.
"Let's save this so we can throw it away in few days"  Tupperware
Whats reddits favorite tv show? The OC.
MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today? FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink! SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!  THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof! MOTHER PIG: What? THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, "not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don't like you depressed."
What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking? A leave of absinthe.
What did the Wealth of Nations say to the Communist Manifesto to cheer it up? Some day you will be red!
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"
It's hard to explain a joke to a kleptomaniac... ...because he takes things literally
Fidel Castro just passed away... ...I suppose Black Friday was too MUCH capitalism for him.
Why is a buffet like a strip club? You'll regret going to a cheap one.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.. .
Why did the chicken cross the road? Drum Roll please! To get to the other side. Thank you ladies and gents for the applause, I'll be here all night.
What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth? a GladHeAteHer
I asked my husband: How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee? He replied... ...It's hard
What do you call a Mankee who Raps A Rhymeape
"I got you this for Valentine's Day." [she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside] "I think we should see other people."
Did you know Zimbabwe loves the rapper 50 Cent? Or as he's known there, 400 billion dollars.
I was at a urinal when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my right was Michael J. Fox... bad day to wear sandals.
What do you call a man without a beard? A woman.
7: I'm beating you! Me: Ok. 7: I'm way ahead! Me: I see that. 7: I'm gonna win! Me:.... My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well apparently not eight cause my basement is still dark.
Donald Trump on not repeating himself at last nights debate: "I do not repeat myself! I do not repeat myself!" Funny, cause its true.
Ever listen to the radio station WPMS? 3 weeks of the blues, one week of rag-time
What kind of shoes do thieves wear? Sneakers.
Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly? Dentis: "Not always the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist
Who really appreciates a good fisting? A sock puppy.
You haven't seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.
There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't.
Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".
Punctuation Let's eat Grandpa Let's eat, Grandpa. Correct punctuation can save a person's life .
What is the French version of the name Parker? Valet.
family member: what are you doing with your life? me: it's a surprise
Why do people wish they had a nickel for every time something happens instead of 5 MILLION DOLLARS?
Why shouldn't you run over a mexican kid on a bike? Because it might be your bike.
Why wouldn't the mother take her kids to the classical music concert? Too much sax and violins.
Jared to plead guilty to charges. Sorry wrong sub.
How do you catch a unique horse? Unique up on it.
Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".
No more "if you're bf stops playing his game to text you..." If your girlfriend understands to give texting a rest when you're playing video games, marry her.
At the store: Sir, do you have cotton balls? Look, if I had cotton balls my kids would be plush toys!
I just got awake from sleep, after 61 days April Fools :D got it ; 61 days ..earlier ..from today right, no ? alright move on :|
I went a week without makeup and here's what happened: Nothing. No one gave a shit.
What do you call a fanny on a fanny on a fanny? A block of flaps
What's it called when you get a boner on a movie set? A direction
Women don't say sorry, when a guy is right they say.... "Whatever!"
It's not about retweets or followers, it's about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
If I turn the food pyramid upside down it's way easier to eat out of it.
If an electric train travels 90  miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the  north in which direction is the smoke blowing? There is no smoke from an electric train!
How do police informants begin their jokes? Nark Nark
What's the difference between a dentist and a sadist? Newer magazines. (Stolen shamelessly from Seinfeld)
What do you call an old man whose retarded? Bernie Sanders!!
What lives in the sea and yells? A clam shouter.
If experience has taught me anything, I've forgotten what it was.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can't get the smell out of my hair
Celebrities are just like everyone else, they shouldn't be allowed to speak about politics unless they're saying something I agree with.
My Friend Really Changes Once she became a Vegetarian It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Figured out how to jailbreak my dog and now I'm running all the cool cat apps on him - watching him go nuts on a piece of string right now
What did the dyslexic bank robber say? "FREEZE MOTHERSTICKER! THIS IS A FUCK UP!"
Young mom: My baby is 34 months Me: Oh really I'm 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Wanna feel old? 1990 was 40 years ago.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don't have money. That makes God super mad.
Why did the pig join the Army? He heard the food was a mess.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
What you shouldnt answer when a parent asks you what to do if their baby wont stop crying I dont know, just foogle it
The tinier the dog, the crazier the lady.
A "racist rapist" sounds worse than a regular rapist when u first hear it, but it's actually better cause less people get raped.
Why can't pirates recite the alphabet? They keep getting lost at sea.
Back in my day, we didn't have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
How do they promote safe sex in Wales? They put signs next to the sheep that kick
What does a Japanese girl ride?? Niisan.
The devil and a lawyer are having a conversation The devil says, "I will give you the ability to win every case you get, in exchange for your soul." The lawyer replies, "Okay, what's the catch?"
My identical twin brother and I were both arrested this weekend. But there was a mix-up during processing. Now we are finishing each other's sentences.
What happens when a pizzaman does an AMA on Reddit? OP delivers.
GF: "You're cute when you're drunk" Me: "You're cute when I'm drunk too"
The Hispanic fruit cup locks eyes with the beautiful lady across the bar... He makes his move, walks over and says "why, Jello there"
When CNN says they're "breaking news" they are, in a sense, right.
"Mommy, what's a butterfly?" "When a girl loves many boys in a short time during college, she gets a tattoo reminder for her future husband"
When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.
Did you hear about the African who loved Monday Mornings? He was a Monday morning kinda Gueye.
Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can't do that in first class.
I've got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'. You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
Why did the car thief drill holes in the air conditioning units of the cars he stole? Because he my take your ride but he will never take your freon.
Today I met a midget in a KKK outfit. I knew right away he was a little racist.
I don't call photos of myself "selfies". I call photos that include anyone else "otheries".
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy.
How does a potato keep up with it's friends? With Google chromosome+
What is stephen Hawking's favorite food? His shoulder.
How does a Jew make tea? Hebrews it. -- How does a Jew make beer? --Hebrews Hops
I just quit my job crushing cans at the soft drink factory... It was just soda pressing.
Why does Islam marginalize their women? Because she ain't special, Shiite.
My crushes are like the sun They're hot and if I stare for too long, I get hurt.
Why did Tupac go to the gym? To get a sixpac! (Thank you 7th grade me)
Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn't m- Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID
I don't know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri "What do women want?" She's been talking nonstop for the last two days now.
What kind of moron invented the fire blanket Surely fire is warm enough already?
How do you get a fire started? You burn some fagots Look up the definition before commenting/down voting...
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Jehovah's Witness? ...knock knock knock... excuse me sir, but do you have a few minutes to discuss nothing?
My favorite position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.
I always thought District of Columbia was a weird name Until I realized it probably has the highest rates of coffee and caffeine usage anywhere in the US
Think bobcats prefer to be called robertcats?
What was the working title for 10 Cloverfield Lane? "You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole."
The PC term for Christmas C:\hristmas
How do you make a hormone? Slap her in the bum.
Please don't make me say Worcestershire out loud.
Never try to kill a termite with a napkin. It'll only get bigger.
The login input fields spend the night at a hotel. Password stays for breakfast. Username checks out.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bridie ! Bridie who ? Bridie light of the silvery moon !
What's the most interesting thing that students learn while studying Meiosis? Sex Cells.
What's the cheapest meat? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have? D: I have an idea *sexy wink* M: My intestines are about 30ft
Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.
And the Best McDonald's Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.
What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt
Why isn't the Vice President running for President this year? Cuz he's Biden his time.
What did the lesbian-vampire say to her girlfriend? See ya next month.
What kind of exercise did Jesus do? Crossfit
Yo mama's so fat Her nose can't even run Came up with this myself and was quite proud
What do you call when Batman leaves the church early? Christian Bale
Whats green and yellow and eats nuts? Gonorrhea!
Who was the first black guy to admit he was the father? Darth Vader.
A Fat Frog walks into a bar Walks up to the barman and the barman says, "hey, we've got a drink named after you". Fat Frog says "What?, You've got a drink called Steve?"
What is Micheal Bay's favorite phone? The Galaxy note 7
If Edward Snowden worked at a grocery market.. *Loudspeaker* Paging Mr. Edward Snowden, Mr. Ed Snowden Constitutional breech on isle 1 &amp; 4 Will Mr. Snowden please inform the public accordingly
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Valentine's day Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday
Mom always told me to eat my vegetables... I never could though, the wheelchair was just too gross.
I cried last night harder than I've ever cried before. I really should invest in a nose hair trimmer instead of plucking them.
Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
A fruit truck just crashed on the highway It caused a major traffic jam.
How do you know that you're too old? When the priest doesn't look at you anymore.
What's a ninja's favourite drink? Waaaaa-taaah!!!
Where do you park Two Ships of Theseus? At a Pair of Docks
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn't 'funny' and is technically 'wasting' police time :(
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
A girl recently asked me which Beatles song describes her the best... I guess 'She's so heavy' wasn't the best choice.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
LIFE HACK: when at a restaurant with a long wait, resort to cannibalism
I don't need a hot tub, I prefer for a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job.
Stealing being illegal is why I can't have nice things.
"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'." "No."
How can you tell if a tornado is stupid?  -If it spins anti-cyclonically
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? You break his spine. (no hate Intended It's just funny)
Hey Chumbawamba, we kept you down.
I went to see a dermatologist. I asked him to do everything he could to stop me from breaking out. He locked all the doors and barricaded the windows.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call it, it won't come.
What does Salvador Dali eat for breakfast? Milk and Surreal.
when zombies can't sleep it's called inzombnia holy shit that was a huge slice of comedy pie I bet you're all full now I sure am
According to Facebook a bunch of handsome dudes got together and decided to marry all my ex-girlfriends
Picture someone robbing you. Congratulations, you're a fucking racist.
Why does Willem Dafoe play a villain in a lot of movies? Duh. Cause he's da foe.
Infants annoy me How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles? you nail it's other hand to the floor
Doctor Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a book Doctor: So what's your story?
Well thank you auto correct for changing "I wish you were here" to "I wish you were her". I didn't wanna have sex anyways.
I had a friend... ... who wanted to do a project about youth in Asia. Unfortunately, the government pulled the plug on it.
What happens when a tree masturbates? It nuts
Carly is a pirate. Because X marks the spot.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup Everyone can roast beef
I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.
Sorry for shouting "go go gadget personality" while you were speaking. Please, continue.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don't be open.
What was the problem with the midget prostitute? She was always selling herself short.
You know you're getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly My stomach reacted badly after eating old zucchini ? and I just pooooed ?
I used to be able to stop cars with mind Getting hit by one took that away
What's brown and very bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.
One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol.
Old classic light bulb. How many people on a beach does it take to screw in a light bulb? depends on how many survivors there are. too soon.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?. *Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
What do you call a fat pirate? A vast matey.
My Christian mingle username is: GAY4GOD hit me up, looking for love
Where do the bacteria gangsters hang out? On the Yeast Side.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
Short armed and dangerous. Did you hear about the mind reading midget that escaped from prison? The papers said small medium at large.
So I was playing poker with a few lepers... when someone threw in a hand.
Of Course the Moon Landings Were Staged I've never heard of a single staged rocket going to the moon.
Motion to rename diarrhea "craps lock." I am very proud of the person I have become.
A blind man walks into a bar, And a table. And a chair.
What's black and never works? Decaf coffee.
Did you hear Buzz Lightyear was arrested? He was charged with battery.
I've been tanning I'm getting so dark I'm afraid of getting shot by the police
Your momma so old... powdered milk comes out her nipples.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt? He touched the beaker before it was cool.
Whats the difference between a cricket ball and an Aboriginals pussy? You can eat a cricket ball
My wife accused me of being immature... I told her to get out of my fort.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Do you think clouds look down on us and think, that ones shaped like an idiot.
I know my limits: if I fell down it means enough.
Why do straight white girls always hang out in odd numbers? Because they literally can't even Like. Omg.
Why don't Indians like snow? Because it's white and on their land
What bird can lift the most? A crane
Broken Pencils are Pointless But I wonder what "lead" me to that conclusion.
I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who Walked a thousand miles To throw up on your door
I was tailgating a slow driver earlier. He brake checked, flipped me off, and when that didn't work he turned his police lights on. Jerk.
Here's my impression of an average ELI5 post. ELI5 how do you post in ELI5?
What's the difference between Americans and ice cream? Ice cream fits in a tub.
brogressives: white males who identify as progressive but won't challenge white supremacist capitalist patriarchy 4 fear of being implicated
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
What do you call someone who did their dissertation on the atrocities of Andrew Jackson? A Hickory Dickery Doc
"See, son, when an Ice Ice Man and an Ice Ice Woman love each other very much..." - Vanilla Ice explaining where Ice Ice Babies come from
How do you say hello to a femnist? You don't. To do so would violate her wish to not be part of the society she lives in.
I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
What Did The Doctor Say To The Dinosaur? Jur-ass-sick
Husband comes home early and sees his wife with a black man. And says: "Now i can see black on white that you are cheating on me. "
Wow I never thought you'd agree to go out with me *starts car, Whitesnake is playing at full volume*
What did the gay crocodile do when made the head coach of a thirsty football team? He gave them GatorAIDS
An Italian woman walks in on her husband giving a man a "Golden Shower". In her dumbfounded state, the shocked woman could only think of one thing to say. "European!"
Have you heard of that invention that lets you see through walls? Its called window.Mua^ha^ha^ha
I want my last words be... "I didn't want these to be my last words."
What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song? You don't cry in your beer when the Irish song is playing.
Me: You know what cures a headache right? Wife: Tylenol Me: You know what else cures a headache? Wife: Advil Me: You know what else ......
A blind man goes for a morning walk He's walking around tapping away. He happens to pass a fish market. He takes in a deep breath and says "Aaaaahhhhh. Good mornin ladies"
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he's nice enough to say both their first & last name
So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
Who am I? I mustache you a question but I am shaving it for later.
Symptoms of mental illness: -Hearing voices -Hallucinating -Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts
I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail !
I wanted to get a Papa John's slice this weekend, but my girlfriend wouldn't want to go there So I referred to it at PJ's and she was all about it until we arrived. Got my slice though.
What do you get when you're agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac? You stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.
I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance. Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.
A black man walks into a restaurant The waiter says: We dont serve black people here! The black man responds: Thats okay, I don't eat them anyway.
If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea told it not to.
I visited a dyslexic Christian clairvoyant today... She read my Psalm
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion? There was debrie everywhere!
Why did it take so long for Americans to beat Germany in WW2? They weren't Russian.
What's the definition of unlikely? A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants -  Nude!'.
You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao? Pacquiao isn't his wife.
I once farted in an elevator . . . it was wrong on so many levels.
Why don't arabs play monopoly with jews? Because jews constantly buy property over the arabs' already bought property
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Just trying to fit in.
What do you call the guy who graduates last place in his medical class. Doctor
Why do black people never dream? Cause the last black person who dreamed, got shot.
How many drums does it take to make a good ska band? Nobody knows.
I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
What did the priest say at the salad bar? Lettuce pray.
Reporting on your own superheroic activity while in your secret identity as a reporter is an ethics violation, MR. KENT.
What do you call paddling down a river of skim milk? white water rafting.
The struggle Guy: goes to get a drink out of the fridge, can falls and hits him on the head. Friend: Dont worry man, it was a soft drink. :v
If alphabets were neo-feminists... x - "Did you just assume my number"
I went to my highschool football coach's funeral.... When I got to the casket, I whispered, "You walk it off asshole!"
Everyone wants a white Christmas... but all Christmases matter!!!
"Cleanliness is next to godliness." - Store clerk helping a customer find the cleanliness.
I hate tacos. Said no Juan ever.
Doctor Doctor what did the x-ray of  my head show? Absolutely nothing!
Who are the greatest philosophers today? The TSA. They are always asking people, "Who are you?", "Where did you come from?", "Why are you here?", and "Where are you going?"
I love my kids like I love my flour... Self-raising.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain't no sandwiches either.
What's got four legs and one arm? An attack dog in a preschool.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ? Yes, Sir, what happened ? "I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 89% water. I can walk on babies. I am... in jail.
What's the difference between a Pizza and an onion? No one cries when you cut up Pizza.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up  in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch.
What do you call a funny snake? HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERICAL ^^^my ^^^son ^^^^told ^^^^^me ^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^one..
PSA: DON"T BUY A TURKEY FROM RALPHS We purchased one earlier this week and it shot down a Russian warplane :(
Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Oh my... not that close. I can't breathe. How are you so strong? LET ME GO TINY DANCER
My teacher told me that two words should never have the same sound. What a homophonic bigot!
What did the bear say after eating the doctor? I feel M.D. inside.
I guess it was George Michaels...... Last Christmas.
What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? Penne
What do you call girls that have a chance of winning? Chicken Tenders.
"Hey can I do it?" Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Did you know scientists just announced diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes
The failure of my business confounds me. It just doesn't make cents.
I gave a paraplegic a Rubik's cube... Left him completely stumped.
what do Mike Tyson and outdoor patios have in common? They're both roofless.
What's the difference between handguns and feminists? A handgun only has one trigger.
Kids, you can grow up and be whoever you want ........ it's called identity theft.
It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.
Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once
The Cosby Show Comeback The 80's TV series "The Cosby Show" is being reprised with Bill Cosby characters name being slightly altered from "Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable" to "Dr. Creep-Dick Fucktable.
If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
Did you hear about the leper who visited the whorehouse? He left a big tip.
*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* "the leather keeps sticking to my back" "for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on"
What do you call a couch stuffed with chic peas? ... a hummus-sectional ba dum tish! I know that was bad. Please blame my boyfriend, he thought of it.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he'll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Honey, give me the baby. -Wait until he cries -Until he cries..? Why..? -Because I can't find him...
What do you call a "gay" milkman? Dairy Queen.
I'm gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.
What's the difference between a happy person and ET? A happy person has a light heart and ET has a heart light
[NSFW] Ok, /r/jokes, this has gone too far. Please, no more vagina jokes. Period!
I had Chinese German food Hour later I was hungry for power
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
She discovered that a hung jury is nowhere near as exciting as it sounds.
N: Why are you picking up rocks? M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.
Schizophrenia? More like Schizofriendia. *voices agree*
TIL Michael Jackson was a huge GW Bush campaign contributor. He thought GW said "Leave no child's behind"
I'm shocked... Turns out toasters aren't waterproof.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Two black guys are in a car, who's driving? The cop
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
"I didn't go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting" I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO's coffee pot.
Did you see the movie about the demolition team? It did a great job of breaking the fourth wall.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Why did Medusa order pizza? Her boyfriend was stoned.
A small box of strawberries If there was some play on words that could turn a small box of strawberries into a punnet would be quite funny
I like to stay at the nude beach all day, or at least until clothing time.
If spiders ever figure out how to become ghosts, we're screwed.
So I got a new keyboard today.. q o poq  nq   s  s s pu
There there password. I don't think you're weak.
My teacher's got a pretty face if you can read between the lines.
Asked my ex-husband once for song requests. He said he wanted to hear the sound of silence. So I sang, "Hello darkness, my old friend...."
I got a phone call from a girl saying "Come over! No one's home!" I went over and no one was home -Rodney Dangerfield
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition* Cro-magnon woman: "I have a boyfriend."
The M and the N are too close together on the keyboard, and now she wants to know why I keep calling her homey.
What do you get when you cross Cleopatra with Marc Antony? Pharaoh-moans.
How do you know your S&amp;M partner works in IT? They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.
What do you call it when a girl throws a tantrum during her period? An ovary-action.
Tan or get your teeth whitened. But only one of those.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20% So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Instructions for falling down stairs... Step 1 Step 2 Step 4   Step 8
My girlfriend wants to replace the beige outlets in my house with white ones. And then she gets mad when I tell her to stop promoting white power.
How does a crazy person travel through the woods? They take the psychopath.
Why does a pencil shave? To look sharp
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that's still in your mouth, You're going as a pirate for Halloween.
Whats another name for google glass? Dome Chrome.
I'm a psychiatrist studying the relationship between humans and dogs in beastiality You can find me in my lab
My Reddit posts are just like my prostitutes. They always end up getting buried.
Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle? Because the steaks were too high...
I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier. He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"
What do Hillbillies do for Halloween? Pump-Kin Yes, I've posted this before, but Halloween is upon us.
Why is having phone sex such a bad idea? There's a good chance you'll get hearing AIDS
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave
What Is An Doge? much wow such doge much grammar such hamburger so good
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[spelling bee] Your word is "spider" Can you use it in a sentence? "A spider has eight eyes." [kid smiles] Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
The longest I've been sober is 5 years... ...then I turned six years old
Oil producers are losing money on every barrel ... But, that's OK because they're making up for it on volume.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Superman's first day at the daily planet. Boss: Since you're new, you might need supervision. Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
What do an uncircumcised penis and the kkk have in common? They're both pricks in oversized hoods.
I miss my friend jack... I loved listening to music with him.
Why are pirates, pirates ? CASUE THEY ARGHHHHHHH
I think my microwave's broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it's $1.20. I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend? It's a dead letter day.
What do you call a basement full of progressives? A whine cellar.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop? Ma'am, that's a Shovel.
What would Matthew McConaughey eat if he were a horse? McConaugHAY
I thought my wife had Tourette Syndrome. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization.  Ghandi replied ''I think it would be a good idea.''
I hated the new X-men movie. Professor X was so lame.
Help free the reindeer from sleighvery.
What kind of CB Radio do seagulls use? Squawky-talkies!
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that. You cheat! think your so smart, Making me believe your the most important... pfft!
My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess  I sell AVON..
What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip!"
2 monkeys in the bath. One says to the other... "Ooh ah ah ah uh uh ooh ah ah ah ah aaah" The other says... "Do you want me to put some more cold in?"
A physicist is sitting in a bar looking glum... ...so the bartender asks him "Hey man, what's the matter?" The physicist replies, "Everything."
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man  I hate those people.
What are the 2 biggest lies men tell? 1) The check's in the mail 2) I won't cum in your mouth
What do you call a man from Portugal? A Portugoose. Because you cant have one gees.
My wife moans at me to say I did' instead of I done' because it's not proper grammar. Easier said than did.
Why was the firewood punished? It was knotty.
when i found out i won the World's Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title
dead baby jokes Q. whats more fun than spinning a dead baby around at 50mph? A. stopping it with a shovel.
Hedgehogs: why can't they just share the hedge?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don't like it.
I just heard because of the government shutdown government archeologists are working with a skeleton crew.
Tupac Hologram owes me $50 if you see him materialize any time soon tell him I'm looking for him
I'm not racist, racism is a crime. And only black people commit crimes.
Detective: someone's been stealing boats, can we look in your basement? Me: I don't have a basement *sound of foghorn from basement*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping. I'm crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Robin Williams jokes. God gave men both a penis and brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
what's the difference between a cross-eyed hunter and a constipated owl? the hunter shoots but can't hit...
Did you hear about the campers with explosive diarrhea? That shi* was intense.
How did the hooker kill herself.. She blew her brains out!
As a professional musician I can trick any girls heart I play the organ.
We have enough pictures of airplane wings now, people who travel. Thanks.
Why was Betty Boop never attracted to Mickey Mouse? She's only attracted to colored guys.
What do you call weed from Denmark? Dansk kush.
Who is the hamburgers' favourite actress? Candice Berger!
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory? Because he went crackers.
Him: I'll pay for dinner. Me: I want to pay. Him: I'll feel better if you let me pay. Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead...
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
I'm in the terminator musical. I'll be Bach.
What do you call a dead blow fish? .. A blew fish.
None of my relatives are members of any organized political party. They're all republicans.
If you pronounce gullible very slowly it sounds like you're saying green bears.
What kind of money do they use on superman's home planet? Kryptocurrency
Boyscouts vs. Jews What is the difference between a boyscout and a jew? ... Boyscouts come back from their camps.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
What type of blood does a keyboard have? Typo
All the sex I've ever had in my life... has been an inside job.
Why did the bartender put laxatives in a patron's drink? For shits and giggles
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
What hand do you use to wipe your butt? Right or left? For those that answered right or left, you guys are gross I use toilet paper.
I was very confused the other dah I was discussing religion with a man and he claimed to be a "moose limb". Must be some kinda canadian thing I guess.
If you put me on hold and you come back while I am audibly pooping, that's on you.
Why did the black boy fall off his bike? He didn't, he fell off yours.
When David shot Goliath, there was a giant thunderstorm. He was just slinging in the rain.
Did you hear about Mr. Pizza's divorce? His wife got full crustody and half his dough.
Motivating words are harder with autocorrect... - Archive your dreams. - Be excrement to each other. - Nottingham is impossible. - The only thing standing in your way is autocorrect.
What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.
You know what's funny? Not /r/funny .
Husband: So we've basically given up. Me: On what? H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, never mind."
"I'll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk." "Miss, that's just a cup of caramel sauce." "You heard me."
Guess what Gordon Ramsay said about my mixtape... "ITS RAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!!"
Kim Jong il is dead? I guess that's the end of HIS Korea.
"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine." "10 kilograms you say?" "Yeah, 5 kilograms"
it's weird how Americans say "soccer" instead of "football" and my dad says "I wish you were dead" rather than "i love you"
What do you call two pencils fighting? A grafight.
A mysterious hole was found in my area recently. Local police are looking into it.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger Is a terrible thing to say to someone with a muscle eating disease.
We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.
I was having a nightmare where a dude said he was going to kill me if I could not make him laugh... so I said... What gas leaves a pirate speechless? . . . Argon
There were elections in the United States. Tom Hanks went to cast his vote. As soon as he came out of the polling booth after doing so, everyone started applauding. Why? It was a vote of T. Hanks.
A friend is like a condom. They'll stick close to you and protect you as best they can but once you fill them with semen you need a new one.
ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas
I could see my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load last night... I could see it in her eyes.
What is the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic corn husker? One shucks between fits..
"Make him press 1 again." "Good." "Now, 3 minutes of silence." "He still there?" "Give him 18 minutes of pan flute." - Call Center Training
How does a German tie his shoes? In little Nazis
How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch? The screen stays black when you check the time.
Feminism: because not all women can be beautiful.
Michael J Fox got a new restaurant endorsement deal... Shakey's
Boy that Neil Patrick Harris is a real, man's man.
I want to make medical bracelets that say "In case of emergency, delete browser history"
What's the difference between a gay guy and a pizza? A gay guy doesn't come in a box.
What did the geologist say at the Chinese restaurant? May I have Eurasian plate?
I got fired from my job at the pasta factory after a fusilli mistakes.
I burned 1000 calories by lighting my arm on fire
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30AM Can you believe the nerve of some people? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
Dear insane self-destructive people, thanks for music and art.
Your Majesty, the peasants are revolting! I know, I wish they would wash..!
Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out.
a red ship and a blue ship crashed on an island together the survivors were marooned.
What do you call a fat computer? Adele.
Did you hear about the new HBO series that investigates gambling in sports? It's called Thrown Games.
My wife tells me im always too negative Well, doesnt that make me a positive?
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.
Hump day without humping is significantly less fun.
Herpes sounds like the name of a greek god
How does Peter Pan fly? If you got hit in the Peter with a pan, you'd fly too.
Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.
I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up. They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
What did the Jamaican say when he lost the smelliest feet contest? DEFEAT STINKS!
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector. All the beeping was giving me a headache and making me sleepy.
(i crack an egg; it falls under the pan) i prefer a firm yolk (i accidentally drop my phone in the toilet) phones make us communicate less
Donald Trump said that all the Mexicans he meets love him... they are always telling him he is a cool arrow.
Useful information: don't turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[Oldie but goodie] The three stages of a married couple's sex life Tri weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
My mom said she is going Indiana. I said: That's gross mom I don't want to hear about your sex life.
I like woman who are mentally stable and sexually unstable.
Empty out and clean a mace container. Fill with water Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
What's the difference between a pitbull and a social worker? You might get your baby back off a pitbull.
Who are the fastest readers on earth? 9/11 victims.... They can clear 10 stories in 5 seconds.
I had an Ethiopian blend of coffee this morning... It didn't taste very rich.
Are you feeling cold right now? Just stand in the corner to warm up, they are usually 90 degrees.
Why can't vets use dank memes? Because they'd get fired for beating a dead horse.
Thank you for defining the word 'many' for me. It means a lot.
Watching football (soccer), I see that it is very relevant to my life Little to no goals
My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.
Question: What's the major cause of divorce? Answer: Once is not enough.
Does anyone on here know how to "unhook" Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??
Who is a Sea Lion's favorite composer? "Orff Orff Orff Orff!"
My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred She's a perfect ten but imaginary
Don't drink and drive, might hit a bump and spill it.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early.... ....beat the crowd.
How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Suck it's dick.
If a douchebag bungee jumps is it called a Bro-Yo?
'You boy !' called a policeman.' Can you  help ? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called  Cotters......' 'Really ?' said the boy. 'What're his ears called ?'
You know the best thing about Midgets? They are really down to earth people.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Why Trump will win the election? He will use his Trump-card.
I did a theatrical performance on puns today. It was a play on words.
Why did the bear's magnetic personality make him so popular? He was a polar bear!
I put a crippled guy above my infants crib He was a-mobile
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
What do you call a girl who fucks dogs? Weird... Haha fuck naw you call em Whitney Wisconsin
Easy way to have a relationship: 1. Buy a ship 2. Name it 'Relation' 3. ??? 4. PROFIT
Breaking up with your significant other is like bowling You carry something heavy going into it, and if it goes as planned, you walk away with an X.
Did you hear about Klu Klux Kineval? He tried to jump 18 blacks with a steam roller
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now hes 97 years old and we have no idea where he is...
Zelda Williams came over my house and stormed out in a rage... All I did was ask her "How's it hangin?"
What's the similarity of the World Series and Lorde? They'll never be royals
*makes sandwich* *sits down to eat it* *sees dog staring at me* *rips off small piece* *gives her the rest*
The Bigger Family Mr and Mrs Bigger had a baby boy. Who was bigger, the baby or his mom? The baby, because he's a little Bigger.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you've been seeing for less than a week.
Man sees a kangaroo sitting in a movie theater "Are you a kangaroo?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The kangaroo replied, "Well, I liked the book."
What do you call two black cops on motorcycles? Chocolate chips
Why didn't the hippie save the drowning swimmer? He was too far out man
Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
"Is your refrigerator running?" "My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch."
Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.
Man at garage: "Are you claiming this off your own insurance?" Me: "Yes. I don't think the deer I hit had any insurance."
What is a great way to baby-proof a house? Condoms
Cop: Ma'am, Are you intoxicated? Me: Are YOU intoxicated! Cop: No Me: Prove it! Cop: *puts handcuffs on me* Me: I like where this is going.
Dang girl. Are you a werewolf... Cause I'm lycan what I see.
WHO LET THE CATS OUT? Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. WHO LET THE CATS OUT? Mew. Mew. MRRROOW! HSSSSS! MRRROOW! HSSSSS! FUCK! HE'S AN INSIDE CAT!
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
What do you call an alpacca that screams when it sees fire? A smoke aLaama.
A priest ,a rabbi and a homeless man walk into a bar.. The homeless man order a beer while the rabbi and priest do jager bombs . Who's gonna pick up the tab?
[NSFW] Bill Cosby at a bar When you add rookies to a cosmopolitan it becomes a cosbypolitan
White man comes to a Black man's house Black guy: Have a try of my country's traditional food. White guy: But the plate is empty. Black guy: I know.
1 fist bump from a cool black dude = 5 years of my white parents loving me.
What is the most surprised a cow can be?? UDDERLY SURPRISED! (Edit: UTTERLY to UDDERLY)
Did you hear about the med student caught picking up hookers? He claimed he was studying whore moans.
My grandfather drowned in varnish recently. A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish.
How can you tell if someone's a vegan? Don't worry--THEY'LL FUCKING TELL YOU.
Announced sternly to students today that "only hard things are worth doing!" In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.
My wife still misses me But her aim is getting better
My 3 year old just got me with this one... 3 yo: Can I please have a mystery? Me: What is that? 3 yo: I don't know, it's a mystery (laughs hysterically)
I don't really like "your mum" jokes because they're a lot like your mum. They're really easy to do.
In my country you can't fight with corruption but you can deal with it.
I fucked this bitch the other night... The next day, she was starting to get overly attached and needy, so I asked my buddy for some advice. He said, "Yeah man, golden retrievers can be like that."
*guy collapses* ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*
What does Gucci say when it's cold outside? It's fucking cold
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg
Mi amigo Jesus is a great work out partner but... He just won't shut up about how he invented *Cross-Fit*
In hell all the ball pits are filled with legos.
What is formed at the end of mitosis? My nailses
What's the similarities between Michael Jackson and the colour changing dress? They both started out black and blue then became white and golden
I wish I could reenact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades Of Gray Like the one where she gets a job right out of college.
My friend is so stupid that he  thinks twice before saying nothing.
Why do mexicans keep getting stuck in the doorway? Because they have to pass through in doors.
What do you call a spoiled girl blogging about her 1st world problems? A feminist.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you're into fitness
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions. - No child ever.
What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs? Names
/r/jokes It's funny because hardly anything here can be considered a joke.
What's the difference between two dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke
What does a menopausal Vietnam vet suffer from? Hot flashbacks
What's E.T. short for? He's just got little legs.
If you're ever feeling stupid, just remember someone invented a wrench and named it Allen
What is Vladimir Putins favorite food? Peaches and Krim
I'm commonly known to my friends as "that nutty guy" Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can't talk.
Hell has free wifi but no outlets for phone chargers.
Can "born this way" apply to laziness?
What did the fisherman say to the sewage management person? Would you pull that crap with a net?
A fun thing to do is go to the Facebook page of someone you've never met and "like" hundreds of photos of their baby.
If you're going to do something illegal don't plan it through Facebook Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? 2
The new Batman is super realistic -- he's attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him
What's a zombie's favorite weather? Brainstorms.
A man goes to the library Man : do you have the new book on small penises? Women : sorry, I don't think it's in yet. Man : yeah, that's the one!
I'm getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are "slender and agile" which pretty much rules that out.
Just turned wine into vomit. Your move Jesus.
Welcome to middle age, here's your card. You'll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Let's legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
DOG: woof ME: you wanna go outside? DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof! ME: ok just a second DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof
So I ran into a guy named Juan Williams yesterday... Isn't he the guy who wrote the music for Star Juars?
Q: Which way do insane people take when they go through the forest? A: The psycho path.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I'm going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty bastards.
How do you know when a woman is pregnant? She switches from Ragu to Prego.
What's the difference between me and a pigeon? A pigeon can make a deposit on a BMW
What is a chiropractor's favorite movie? Thoracic Park
Helium Some helium walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve noble gasses here." The helium doesn't react.
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who know binary and those who don't
"Oh, this old thing?" - my cat showing me his butt hole
Why doesn't the United States have to worry about a North Korean nuclear missile attack? we have the Iron Giant
Awesome Comeback Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?! Me: it committed suicide, had too many problems.
Lucie introduced me to the phrase "peanut butter and jealous" and I can never go back to what I so blindly called a "life" before
Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.
This reminds me of a saying my dad used to tell me as a young boy growing up "I hate you son"
ATTN: I'm looking for a new girlfriend Are you: 1. Between the age of 11-69? 2. Mostly female? 3. Trained to poop outside? DM for details
whats a ghost's favorite fruit? booberries!
Today I saw a poor, old lady fall. My first reaction was to laugh, but then I thought "what if I was an ant, and she fell on top of me?" then it didn't seem so funny anymore.
[at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?
[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common? I don't fuck with either of them.
Maybe design women's clothes so the person wearing it can also zip it.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball &lt;p&gt; My favorite joke since I was little
I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.
How many Tourette's suffers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Ass fucking cunt bitch just one cocksucker whore
Have you heard about the Flint, Michigan football team? Their lead is unstoppable!
A horse bolted and ran into Liverpool FC's training ground. The horse charged wildly at the team as they were in the middle of training. None of the players were hurt, but it clipped Klopp.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head, "Guess who got laid last night?"
Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra sound guy. Who's the coolest guy when he's not around? The hip replacement guy.
The treasure hunt was invented in northern India. Thus the name 'hide and Sikh'. #truefact
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library. I said "Shit man, it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want!"
How do you get a faggot to fuck a bitch? You shit in her cunt.
Two Muffins are sitting in an oven One Muffin looks at the other and says: "Boy, it sure is hot in here" The other muffin turns and screams; "Holy Crap! A talking Muffin!"
BRENDA: I brought cookies! ME: I guess I can have one, I've been good all week *eats cookie* *eats entire tray of cookies* *eats Brenda too*
Sting was kidnapped last night The Police are looking for a lead.
Women's voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you're in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
They cooled a man to absolute zero He is 0K.
How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That's it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
What did the test tube baby ask its father? Am I a jerk off?
In his new book of poems, John Ashbery rhymes "coagulate" with "indeed." It's like he's not even trying.
What does hitler say when he stubs his toe? Aushwitz
What's the difference between racism and the chinese people? Racism has many faces...
ELI5: with the recent outbreak of Ebola why hasn't Madagascar sealed it's borders yet?
"Polar bears can't jump" -- black bears
A priest and a rabbi are sitting together. A young child walks by and the priest says, "Man, i'd love to screw that kid!" and the rabbi responds, "Out of what?"
Me: My father's name is LAUGHING and my Mother's name is SMILING.  Teacher: You must be Kidding? Me: No, that's my brother. I'm JOKING.
What do you call a slutty duck that does drugs? A quack whore.
What time is it in New York City? 5 past Lundqvist
What did the cannibal say to his victim before they went for a long walk? You're gonna be pooped after this.
Genie: Sure about this? Me: C'mon do it Genie: It's your last wis- Me: I WANNA BE RICH Genie: Alakazam! Hi Rich, I'm Genie
"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
Everybody always says say "No!" to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
"How do you speak such good English?" "I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?"
Animal Crackers Please do not eat if the seal is broken.
Where did the pregnant T-Rex go for a check-up? The dinocologist
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb *thats not funny*
Today at the bank, a little old lady asked me to help check her balance. So, I pushed her over.
Islam... ... is a religion of peace.
Girl are you Monday because I am not looking forward to seeing you again
My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but... It's not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.
"Find something you love to do and you'll never work another day in your life." Because you'll be home masturbating all the damned time.
Yo mama such a ho... Yo mama such a ho that her privates are called publics. i'm ashamed of this. but also really proud.
how do you call those guys who hang around with musicians all the time? Drummers.
yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time
Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Me: ha nice try I: excuse me? M: that's how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I'm not stupid.
What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles!
What's your favorite dirty joke? Mine is: Wht do Jewish men have their sons circumsised? Because they know Jewish women can't resist anything 10% off.
Why is saying " I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... ...unless your at a funeral.
Some of you talk more than my wife. The good news is I can just unfollow you instead of burying you in the back yard to shut you up.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her 'Wife'
What did the comedian say before he hung himself? "Sorry for being a noose-ance."
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies...who would do the chasing? Oh, I went there...;)
What is E.T short for? Because it has little legs.
I just remembered the fuck outta The Alamo.
I met a guy who could put his dick in his ass. He was pretty full of himself.
I like the term urban camper We all know you mean you're homless, but it's less awkward because it has the word camping in it. For all we know you could be roasting smores under a bridge or some shit.
Today we put differences aside and wish peace and love to all mankind. Except for Verizon who I hate.
On "Anne frankly" and "I did nazi that coming"... Those *Panzer* gettin`old
What do you call a learned spider? A webdesigner
I'm gonna name my daughter Retarded So I can say yes whenever someone asks me if I am fucking retarded
Why do Sumo Wrestler's shave their bodies? So that they don't get mistaken for feminists
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? I don't know but it's not rhelephant.
So I posted this on r/ShowerThoughts "I wonder where I put the soap?" (Mods deleted it.)
Why do women prefer a 77 instead of a 69? (Slightly NSFW) Because they get 8 more.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can't pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it's staying on the floor.
If Donald Trump was a communist, instead of saying "Grab her by the pussy" he would have said "Seize the means of reproduction."
How do u spell candy w only 2 letters c and y
My doctor told me to refrain from heavy lifting. So now I can't masturbate.
I wanna see Jurassic World, but I hear extincts.
Dentist: Don't worry. I'm painless. Patient: I'm not.
I took a blind taste test today Turns out they taste just like regular people
Ever wondered why starwars episode 4,5 and 6 came before episode 1,2 and 3. Because, incharge of scheduling Yoda was
11/10 people don't understand statistics .
Did you hear about that glacier off the coast of Italy? It was a Romaine Iceberg
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture's on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
So a woman walks out of a doctor's office and she stops at the door, looks back at the doctor and says : - What was it again ? Sagittarius, Capricorn ? - No ma'am, CANCER !
I wonder whether Bankruptcy Court would be more fun if they reversed their Rs like Toys R Us.
I'm scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I'll run them under cold water for half a second
In which state does the Mississippi river flow? Liquid.
Why did the butcher sell his shop? Because he couldn't meat his expenses
What do you call a fish with no eyes? a fisheyes
Teacher: I'd like a room please. Hotel Receptionist: Single Sir? Teacher: Yes but I am engaged.
A boy was texting a girl... Boy: How do you spell me Girl: M e Boy: You forgot the d Girl: There's no d in me Boy: Not yet
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go fuck yourself.
What do you call a hard rock fan going through gender reassignment surgery? A transition metal.
Ever need to go to the bathroom but can't find your iPhone so you just shit your pants? I know, right?
My ex-teacher left the cheese industry for the same reason he left the teaching industry.. Hated grating.
A man and a boy are walking through the dark woods together Boy: Wow this is really scary Man: How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!!!
Breasts are like beer... Men may state a preference, but we'll take whatever's on tap.
What doesn't kill you makes you vengeful.
I recently saw a Broadway production about the origin of language It was just a play on words
They really need to add a "download this song illegally" button on Pandora.
My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said Maaaybe
"Does this hurt?" "YES!" "What about this?" "OW!" *Dr. writes notes* "Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates."
"Yep, I'm going to jail." When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*
Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren't making phone calls on, every year.
What do you call the day after a sad Friday? A sadder day.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his butt.
I was climbing the ladder to success Then a guy poked his head out of a window and said "Hi, I'm Cess!"
Knock knock... Who's there? The pilot, let me in.
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Santa." "Santa who?" "Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass."
What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
When she found out he worked in technical support, it really turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.
What do you call a pig plumber? A Ham-di man! :D
I envision my high school English teacher reading my tweets, lighting up cigarette after cigarette and putting each one out on her arm.
That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children's hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?
What do Monica Lewinsky and NFL players both have in common? It's their knees that go first.
"Go-go-gadget meaningful relationship with daughter," the Inspector whispered to his cell phone. But it didn't ring.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover. ... Wait.
Recently I was asked how I view Lesbian relationships... apparently, "In HD" was not the correct answer.
"The secret is that it's all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.
Two Germans are talking about 9/11.... One said : How much terroristen died zat dey? Twelve? The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."
I got a new one for you. You know how I can tell if the government smokes the pot the DEA seizes? THEY'RE paranoid and OUR rights are being taken away.
Did you hear about the lunatic who tried swimming in the river in Paris? He was in seine
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
How many fat people does it take to change a light bulb? 3. One to unscrew the light bulb and screw a new one on another one to operate the crane and a third one to say when the chicken is ready.
Facebook has a confirm and ignore friend requests buttons. I think it should have a "who the fuck are you" button
It's not that Trump is a traitor. He's an "alternative patriot."
Why are so many Koreans named Park? Because the ones named Drive all died in crashes.
What does a horny toad say? Rub it
What long and hard thing does a Norwegian wife get on her wedding night? A last name
How dare you complain about your life? Someone's mom is Snooki.
Why don't Mexicans play bridge? Because they're afraid of the trump card.
whats the difference in fast n furious and walking dead? there's no Walker in Fast and Furious .......RIP Paul
Offensively sexual** Whats the worst part about eating hairless pussy? You have to put the diaper back on after.
As a married man, how excited I was that I almost has a successful Steak &amp; BJ day... The steak was delicious, but I didn't get two of my ribs removed in time.
A woman's shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.
I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow.
Why didn't you come to the halloween party? I was at the Halloween party as a ninja. "But I didn't see you there." "Exactly."
Total Eclipse Today I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I've strained my eyes.
Obama could eat children alone under a bridge hunched over like Gollum in a thunder storm and he'd still be better than Bush.
The closest I get to exercising is when I trip on the sidewalk and pretend jog for like 10 feet.
I had sex with a pregnant woman last night Was also my first threesome
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a wall Art What do you call arms and legs on a wall Pieces of art
Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what?
What do you call two black guys walking down the street? Nothing. Are you racist or something?
Little kid making faces at you from his bus window? Follow him home and make faces through his window at night.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I've never seen a bigger gavel.
Dating Tips 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
*cop frisking me* Cop: "theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?" Uh, no Cop: "OW!" *baby porcupine jumps out* RUN POKEY, RUN
What do you call a robbery of Italian ice cream? Grand Theft Gelato
Its important you remember that unprotected phone sex........
So a scientist working the Large Hadron Collider lied on some lab reports He's a real Higgs Boso
I left a tube of superglue in my pocket when I did laundry yesterday... ...it was a viscous cycle.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink... Not if Guantanamo Bay has anything to say about it.
All it takes is a "food dreadful, service poor" Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I Like my slaves how i like my coffee............ Free
*takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune
Father, i want a bicycle... Why you need that? You already have a wheelchair.
What do you call a raft full of black people? Smoke on the water. ... My most sincere apologies.
Leave comments under the college videos on porn sites. Like, 'Kelly, you better be getting an A if you're fucking the professor. Love Mom'
I like my women the same way I like my guns... Black and oily with a sensitive trigger.
Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Why aren't broken bones a problem in India? Everyone is already in a caste
What do people with aspergers Do in the bathroom? They take an aspie
I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work. Then I painted my computer white so it would work. Now the whole system is corrupt.
Pizza Hut Employee: I'm sorry but we don't deliver bog grass. I'm not even sure what that is. Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Just told a girl who was getting too close we should just stay friens. In case you're wondering, I'll give her the d later
Pharmacist: Don't take this while driving and make sure you eat- *crushes pill and snorts off the counter* "Ok"
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his ass
him: i love you me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
What is the meanest practical joke one can pull on a blind person? Leaving a plunger in the toilet.
As a Jew, I love bagels... They're one of the holeyest foods.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? There have been reported sightings of bigfoot
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?" And the horse says, "I'm finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart."
Sometimes I think to myself "I hope to god I'm not agnostic... or do I?"
I saw a homeless guy masturbating on the bus the other day... *Where does he get off!?* -**Hampton Yount**
What do you call a fat person on a high horse? Ellen Pao.
How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? It's when the blind try to read your face.
"dont get conned into spendin our lottery money" i wont [calls wife back] will 2 sharks fit in our pool? "NO" ok [to salesman] one shark pls
Policie arrested 2 kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating fireworks. One kid was charged, but the other one took off.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Depressed?
The U.S. presidency is like my ex. Anyone can get in.
I'm stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
What is the difference between a Yoghurt and the US When you leave Yoghurt alone long enough it will atleast develop some kind if culture
My girlfriend told me that she looked fat, and wanted me to give her a compliment... I told her that her eyesight was outstanding.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
ACTORS' TIP: can't afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add "driving stunts" to your resume
Have you ever smelt moth balls? Well who held his wings back? Oldie but a goodie from my grandpa.
You can't get good signal reception at a cemetery It's a dead spot.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have! Grandma: You're my least favorite grandchild
Do chemistry jokes do well here? I'm not sure if I'll get a reaction.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
As a European, I was always troubled by 2 Girls 1 Cup. Just how much is that in grams?
Advent calendars Their days are numbered.
What do you call black people in the military? Geurrilla warfare
I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs. It's very eggs-citing.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She didn't have any arms. Bonus: Knock knock. Who's there? Not the little girl... EDIT: Pardon the crappy delivery, english isn't my fist language. ;)
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.
So we need to go over your drug history... Let me stop you there. It's gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones's I haven't done.
At willcall for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me. It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.
What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old? Her hips.
A man walks into an Australian pet store, He asks the bloke behind the counter "where do you keep the kangaroos mate?" The bloke replies, "outback."
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don't know. Prove me wrong.
Lawyers must be pretty big fans of the legendary Irish rock band U2. Almost all of them go on about all the pro-Bono things that they do.
ruins all credibility when a rapper says he's "depressed" in a song. know who else is depressed? my 14 year old son Greg
Why does windows 9 not exist? Because 7 8 9.
When people say "surreal" they mean "real", it's just most of your life is not very real, just repetition and routine.
What's the difference between a trunk full of bowling balls and a trunk full of dead babies? You can't unload a trunk full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
When life gives you melons... You're probably dyslexic.
Why couldn't the Tuba player get a date? He was too low key.
Donald Trump has written several books on business... and they all end in chapter eleven. Credit to Triumph for that one.
did u fall from heaven bc so did satan
What do dads never forget to include in their "dad" jokes? PUNctuation Okay, I'll leave.
I told my friend to stop telling jokes about the Abominable Snowman Yeti still does
In order to always win in rock, paper, scissors... Shoot.
Where there's a will there's an "OMG! What's it say!? What does it say?".
What do you call a Pumpkin who eats too much? A Plumpkin.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was "I know how to start a fire!" so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Doc I keep throwing up Did u eat anything odd lately No What about that bottle youre holding labelled "lizard juice" You said eat, idiot
What did the Kiwi say to the Jew? Hee broo
I would go to alcoholics anonymous But everyone already knows
What is the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The Jews go up the chimney.
Gay jokes aren't funny. Butt fuck it.
Knock Knock... Me: Knock Knock Other person: who's there Me: Allah Other person: Allah who? Me: Allah who Akbar (ALLAHU AKBAR BOOOOOOM)
UKIP's Policies
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Why can't you eat cereal in the Matrix? Because there is no spoon.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where's my Oscar?
If I got a dime every time I exaggerated... I'd have a jillion, gazillion bucks!
Moist people aren't offended by the occasional typo.
I wasn't planning on sleeping with that alchemist, but one thing Pb to another...
Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into  your mouth?" "Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears."
I also wanted to post a hydraulic press video... ... but your mom was busy.
[Date] Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there Me (nervous she's trying to clone me): give it back
Ever been to the restaurant owned by the fundamentalist church? No? Well, if you do go there I don't suggest getting the bible sandwich. They really try to shove it down your throat.
News Headline: "Nasa finds crack in Space Shuttle" Well its got to get pretty boring up there on those long space flights.
"I want her skin." -Serial killers and teenage girls
What do sea monsters have for dinner? Fish and ships.
Apparently, one in every two and a half men has HIV. Sorry, Charlie. ^^^Though ^^^I ^^^can't ^^^say ^^^I'm ^^^surprised.
Two newborns are having a conversation... 1: You look worried. What's wrong? 2: It's about my Dad. 1: What about him? 2: I saw him with Mom last night. I think he's stealing my milk.
My girlfriend asked, "Why do we always stay home for dinner and never eat out?" Obviously if I was any good at eating out, then you wouldn't be complaining about staying home.
What do you call a multiple choice dad joke? A pop quiz.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain't one.
My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper. But she screamed when I brought her one.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in water? Bob
*84th flr* CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up? M: Heard Van Halen's "Jump"? CW: Sure! Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My exes dying words were, "you're obviously in one of your moods"
Having correctly predicted the vampire craze, I now boldly predict the next pop culture phenomenon. Butlers.
How do you clear out a veterans bingo hall? B 52.
Everton fan, Colonel Gaddafi's last wishes were that he should be buried in the number 18 Gascoigne shirt as he wanted to be buried in the Gaza strip.
Went to our annual work party last night... They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Come on Eileen'...I was asked to leave shortly after that.
"honey, I can't wait to do missionary later!" *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
What does Skrillex call masturbating? Wubbing one out.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian's dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I've only had one car accident in the last month. It was a hit and run, so technically it doesn't even count.
What's sad about three black guys driving over a cliff in a Cadillac? They were my friends :(
What's the difference between a scout boy and a jew? The scout boy comes home from camp.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I'm the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Do you know the story of Flap Flap The Giraffe? Flap Flap The Giraffe was walking around the savannah, when a helicopter came in to land. The giraffe looked up, and then :::flap flap::: the giraffe!
What is yellow and cannot swim ? A yellow digger. Why can't it swim ? It has only one arm
I like to think that every time I press the dislike button, Pandora sends an email to the artist. Take that, Beethoven!
I was going to paint my computer black thinking it would run faster... ...but it didn't work.
I think i am allergic to leather. Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.
My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.
When someone says something was made with "love" what exactly does that mean? Did they jerk one off into the center of my cupcake?
Ok fine, I'll weigh in: every museum needs to lose that one room that's just old bowls.
My brother was convicted as an accessory to murder Dad always said he'd accomplice something.
Mary, they told me your son is gay That's bullshit. The gay one is his boyfriend! His boyfriend!
How do we know Jesus wasn't a virgin? Because he got nailed three times.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones
What does a blind person say when you give them sandpaper? "Well that's really tiny writing!"
It's weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
What lives on a farm and says moo? a bilingual chicken
Waddya get if you mix Canadian Club and Southern Comfort? What you most assuredly deserve
My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.
In the today's news a man was caught attempting to pickpocket Warwick Davis. Don't know how anyone could stoop so low.
Q: What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail? A: A horse and rider.
I just made this one up: What kind of Internet creep can swim the fastest? A TOR pedo.
When my wife came home with a puppy, I knew better than to question her. She's the chef, after all.
How much money do terrible movies make? Ridley Scott. Thank you.
Why do fishermen fish in north America? 'Cause they're all about that bass
What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair? Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating.
I wanted to share a joke about my asian daughter... but it's just not good enough.
A husband asked his wife to say something that would make him happy and sad at the same time. She said "You have a bigger dick than your brother.".
Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
If a stork makes white babies, and a crow makes black babies, what makes no babies? A Swallow
Photons have mass? Why, I didn't know they were Catholic!
Confucius say virginity like giant bubble One prick, all gone
Which rabbit was a famous female aviator?  Amelia Harehart.
If I ever go to prison, I know exactly what I'm going to nickname myself... Mitochondria! That way everyone will know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.
A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.
My Taiwanese friend is very intense and driven: He has a real Taipei personality
My Dad just called to give me the "I'm worried about your drinking" talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Had bacon this morning, made Monday joke, drinking coffee, will masturbate later. I AM TWITTER!
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 'Aye matey"
What's the best thing about being a female mime? There's no glass ceiling
What do you call olive oil that is really outgoing? Extroversion
What do you call a confused baker? I dough know.
How many new states will America get when Trump is elected? One. Denial.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who's head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood ...do you know what I'm thinking? PSYCHIC COP: Yes GOOD COP: Oh right
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.
Ice cream van man found dead on the floor of his ice cream van, covered in sprinkles and raspberry sauce Police are not treating the death as suspicious. They believe he topped himself.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside..
God: "Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?" Frog: "ribbit" God: "haha, alright man"
Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): "lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck)."
How do you starve a Socialist? You hide their food stamps under their work boots. Edit; Thank you /u/DoctorBrohoof for my first gold!
why does a one story whorehouse make more money than a two story? theres no fucking overhead...
What do you call the upper eighth of a lime for sale? A top-of-the-lime model.
"Sushi" is Japanese for "take a picture of this, white girls."
Short one... What's red with seven dents in it? Snow White's Cherry
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Why did they put Harriet Tubman on the twenty dollar bill and not Barack Obama? Because if that were the case, you'd never get change.
Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac? Because they always take things... Literally
What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
A poem about bugs: If it can fly, it should die.
What happened when Isaac Newton met the apple? He found the apple was a surprisingly down-to-Earth kinda guy.
"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on.... Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow."
I don't want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don't have to finish it.
Donald Trump will make America Great Again... ... he's already grating on me!
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, *"But we work here. We're staph."*
Why dont blind people skydive? because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
You're more special than relativity.
A Chinese man walks into a bar... and the bartender says, " Why the Wong face?"
What's the difference. . What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick into a girls mouth.
Programmer goes to a bar Bartender: What do you like to drink? Programmer: I'm only here for the foo.....................d
My dad's favorite joke What did one testicle say to the other? Why'd they hang us.... Slim did all the shootin.
What does Diana stand for? Dead In A Nasty Accident.
John... ...[Staymoist](http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/21300000/John-Stamos-john-stamos-21331988-1611-1089.jpg)
What do you call the new policing strategy of communities such as Ferguson, Missouri? A shot in the dark.
HULK WANT LOAN Bank: We can't loan to people like you. GREEN PEOPLE?? *flips table into moon* Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
What do you call a dog with no legs It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
Why do LEGO men hate going to hospital...? Because plastic surgery costs a fortune!
my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I'M complaining that he's a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon
Plan to be spontaneous... Tomorrow.
Everybody thinks "The Social Network" is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is "Ghostbusters".
What is the speed of sex? 68. Cuz at 69 you eat it.
How many Amish guys does it take it satisfy an Amish whore? Two men-a-night!
Why did the turkey cross the road ? To prove he wasn't chicken
Watching Mickey's Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he's asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race.
What is the proper way to address the king of the ghosts? Your ghostliness.
A homeless man staggers into a bar Plot twist... it was soap. He landed a lucrative job shortly thereafter and started sweeping his problems under the rug like the rest of us.
Husband: "Lost my keys again." Wife: "It's in your Jeans." Husband: "Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!"
Why don't cats like online shopping? They prefer a cat-alogue.
Did you hear about the guy who entered a joke and 10 puns in a contest? The joke won, but no pun in ten did.
Whats the saddest thing about global warming/iceberg melting? Polar bears won't be able to keep their cokes cold.
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis, father, ladder I mean.
What do ford trucks and tampons have in common? Eventually every pussy gets one.
Did you hear the joke about the fast car? I would tell you but I think you're too slow to get it.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened? ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If you stare at a 6 year old when they're eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.
sure I could capitalize letters or add a period at the end of this sentence but honestly who has the time or energy
What's the hardest thing to do when you go rollerblading? Telling your parents that you're gay.
They told me to get help when I was suicidal. My guy was terrible-- he wouldn't even pull the trigger!
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The Wolf of Wall Street broke the record for saying the f-word 506 times The previous record was held by my dad putting together a table from IKEA.
How to avoid clickbait
My husband doesn't like it when I say we are "married" with quotation marks.
Why was the broom late ? It over swept !
Two deers walk out of a gay bar. And the one says to the other... "I can't believe I blew Fifty Bucks back there!"
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The blonde keeps sucking after you slap her.
Did you hear they're planting in a million trees throughout Harlem? In a city effort to improve public transportation.
We all know by now that when someone says, "I'm sorry, I never got that text," they ABSOLUTELY got that text, right?
Did you know half your penis is inside you? If that's true, I'm all the way up to three inches.
My friend called me a grown ass man the other day... ... unfortunately I had to correct him, I'm more of a boob guy.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I'll have automatic street cred.
What social movement were nazis really into? Aryan Reichts
I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.
What do Arabs and the Japanese have in common ? They both like bombs
What cell carrier do Mormons use? Virgin Mobile
I don't understand how anyone can get married until they've met everyone else in the whole world, just to make sure.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom "wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun" ..who told you about science
What do you call a tired tumblrina? A nap-kin.
Who is a Brooklyn dog's favorite composer? Bach Bach Bach
If old people are so wise... How come they always die before everyone else?
If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore...
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.... Free!
Aladdin's love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
What's a good name for a cat? Catsper.
If I won $900,000,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity... ...not sure what I'd do with the other $899,999,999.75 though.
[Job Interview] *okay, he can't find out I'm a wolf* *fixes tie* *checks breath* IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS
What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette.
You can't give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I'm a model doing a photo shoot. It's science.
I wish MacDonalds would hurry up and put the MacBook on the dollar menu already.
The four food groups: Fast Frozen Instant and  Chocolate.
What is the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male fraud.
How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Pretty good. (   )
What's the smartest muscle in the human body? The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas.
How do married men remember their birthdays? 1 year since their last blowjob.
1998: - Don't get in strangers' cars - Don't meet ppl from internet 2016: - Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Finally saw "The Price Is Right" with the new host. Maybe it's the glasses, but Drew Barrymore looks really different.
When you're sad, hug a kid. But make sure it's yours cuz that shit would be weird.
Verne Troyer was pick-pocketed on a recent trip to New York. I can't believe someone would stoop that low.
Why are there no stray dogs in China? Have you heard of stray chickens?
For some reason I keep making bread puns Dough I knead to stop
Why did the undercover cop throw a wasp nest at the drug dealer? It was a sting operation.
My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over? "No" Cop: *points* Your buck naked [turns to deer in passenger seat] "Jesus Frank, put your fur back on"
Sometimes I worry about the kid who always carried a yoyo in high school
My doctor told me I am anorexic Now I have that to deal with on top of being fat
How can you tell if your goose is depressed? It's feeling down.
God once put his dick in a box as a gift and called it the Omnipresent.
Tried to start an origami company... It folded.
Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden's Endless Pasta for their last meal? If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.
A Wife's Headache A man walks into his bedroom, where is wife is reading. "Honey, I brought you some aspirin for your headache." "I don't have a headache." "Gotcha!"
An Irish father catches his son doing cocaine. "If I catch ya doin that shite again I'll rub yer fookin nose in it"
Why can't Kim Kardashian find her asshole? He's on tour.
What is Mozart doing right now? *Decomposing*
I heard ISIS hates gay people so much they put a Fatwa on the entire city of San Francisco They called it 'A Haram Bay'
As a Chinese comedian many people ask about my opinion on our government... I can't complain.
My wife's cooking is so bad I usually pray after food.
(Awful joke)What did the Elephant say while scolding her children? Tusk Tusk I am so sorry
Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?" Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?" Me: "Buffalo Sabres." Wife: "You're an idiot"
What did one wall say to the other? Meet me in the corner!
If you thought the last status was good, Check this one out........1
How did Jim start losing weight after the holidays? He just quit eating cold turkey.
Just found out you can eat a big turkey dinner whenever you want without having to be thankful. This changes everything.
How many OU (University of Oklahoma) coaches does it take to change a light bulb? None. They aren't about to change a bulb when flipping a switch has worked for 15 years.
"Retweet! Retweet!" yelled the German Commander as we invaded Normandy
I'm on hold. My call is important to them.
Moses joke Moses was the first person to use Control+C as a shortcut.
"Let's go through it bit by bit" Said Jack the Ripper
[watches you eat my bday cake] "I've poisoned that." "Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?" [leans in & winks] "Poison."
If I had a female dog... I would name her karma.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road? To get to the other side.
F*ck nudes. Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet. I need to know what kind of psycho I'm dealing with.
TIL of Charles' Law: "The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."
A mime fell down a well and couldn't call for help. His larynx was crushed during the fall.
Forget The Walmart and Amazon scam I have the best price on a PS4. I am gonna need about Tree Fiddy.
Jihad balloons are my favorite They blow themselves up
An abacus doesn't need batteries you can always count on it
How can you tell that you had sex with a Mexican woman the night before? You wake up with a jalapeno seed on your dick.
Melania Trump walks into a bar... and orders and Angel shot with lime.
What is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades
Imagine if people still used typewriters! We'd have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.
What do a Feminist and a Broken ATM have in Common? They both can't make any change
When Chuck Norris bowls, he moves the Earth so the pins will hit the ball
Accidentally used my GF's razor and now I feel fat and I'm pretty pissed about something you guys did 3 years ago
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
I don't really suffer from insomnia. It's more of an all-night panic attack about everything that has and hasn't yet occurred in my life.
Why did the bird go to the restaurant? Tweet!
Which animal makes the best pie? A human.
Whoever coined the term Downward Spiral should have made it sound a lot less fun.
I have tits. You will believe my lies.
Where does the 3D shape go when it murders someone? Prism
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A Dictator.
Chicks must text each other "sausage fest" like it's a good thing.
Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu? Me: Did you laminate these yourself?
This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris... ... Effectively crippling the French military.
Immigration jokes are funny But some just cross the line...
I was walking down the street when I saw my mother in law getting beaten up by 7 people... Someone said "shouldn't you help?" and I replied "nah, 7 should be enough."
I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully :(
For the first time ever I find Hillary relatable. I'm not president either.
"I thought I was happy, but then you revved your engine so loudly and I realised YOU are what's been missing from my life" - No girl, ever.
What do you call a near-empty bag of cereal? Luckily Charms
What did the Hispanic chef say when he went down on his girlfriend? "Umami!"
I'm old enough to remember when it was rude and weird NOT to leave a message.
Did you read the novel about the US drug epidemic? The heroin gets abused.
A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar. The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"
I got hit by a car today, guys. Don't worry. I'm okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.
Ah Twitter, never have so many said so much that mattered so little to so few.
Let's convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
Willie: "I have an awful  toothache." Tommie: "I'd have it taken out if it was mine." Willie: "Yes if it was yours I would too."
Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you
Who was the world's first carpenter? Eve. She made Adam's banana stand
Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If your good with grammar you'll get it.
I like my women how I like my coffee.. Mugged
I was so excited when I saw the Nail Polish advertisement Because I want to sleep with this girl from Poland
Knock Knock.. Who's there? Razor. Razor who? Razor hands it's the police. I need friends.
The main reason that Santa is so jolly ... is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
In capitalist America! Bank robs you!!
I tried to jerk off with toothpaste last night... it hurt so I had to quit, but I can perform auto-fellatio, so at least I have fresh breath.
Why do church bells never send e-mails? They'd rather give each other a ring.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage. She didn't seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I asked Rick Astley to lend me some Pixar movies...... He said you can take Cars, you can take Toy Story but I'm never gonna give you Up.
Bad jokes are hereditary They pun in the family.
So is the 2020 Election Season open yet? Or is the succession now inherited?
Dear Cool People, they didn't name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I told my boss you're a plank He asked "why?" I said "Cuz you're a piece of ship"
What is the difference between a trampoline and a baby? A trampoline doesn't look adorable in a sailor outfit
If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay? Your mom.
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it's two tired.
What do you call a fortune teller that always predicts happiness for her clients? A hooker with a gimmick
I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 5 minutes. It's about Russia.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly ? Kick his sister in the jaw
I think my new idea for DIY orthodontics is going to take the world by storm. brace yourself
bear walks into a bar A bear walks into a bar and takes a bite. bear: beer please. barman: sorry, you're on drugs. Please leave bear: I'm not on drugs barman: what about that barbiturate
Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus? He has an Asgard ...I'll see myself out
What do you call a short psychic who hasn't yet been apprehended? A small medium at-large?
What did the spider say to the fly ? We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing ?
Nobody would show up to a "White Lives Matter" demonstration. They all have to work.
I've been on my computer all night! Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone  else?
what's the difference between light and hard you can sleep with the light on
Why did Little Miss Muffet have GPS on her Tuffet? To keep her from losing her whey.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore will sleep with anyone, a bitch will sleep with anyone but you.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
Have you heard about President Clinton's plan to secretly bomb eastern Ukraine? He called it the "Donetsk, Don't Tell"
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One! But the light bulb has to WANT to change.
What did the man say when he put his package into a mailbox? "I thought it was a female box"
When my girlfriends says.. "People think that.." - *people* is often her friend Lisa.
My friend, who is a landscaper, was cheating on his wife and I told him to stop. He replied, "it's hard man.. I got to much love for the hoes"
????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard...????
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it's a Chinese product that's lasted more than a month.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Give a man a fish Feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, feed him for the rest of his life.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they've taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Lost dog. Missing: Three-legged dog. Distinguishing feature: Falls over when it pisses.
Saw two construction workers laughing today... I know what they were really building: Friendship
I'm breaking up with my girlfriend that uses Comic Sans... She's just not my type.
So I got banned from the DIY store. I was just looking for a vibrator.
My boss wanted revenge. Boss wanted revenge on me for sleeping with his wife. So he stole my phone to get my girlfriend's mobile number. Poor bastard's been sending dick pics to his daughter all day.
Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth? Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.
9/11 knock knock *Knock Knock.* Who's there? *9/11* 9/11 who? *You said you'd never forget.*
How does Kim Kardashian like her eggs? Over-Yeezy. ^forgive ^me
Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I hate boxing But you gotta love May weather!
I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though. I never found it.
The worst thing about being British with Crohns... ...Is all the the bloody shits you take.
I got caught taking a pee in the Municipal swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Patron: Hey there's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Why are you complaining? Isn't it cooked?
My Nephew's pet chicken died. I couldn't help asking if the funeral will be fried or roasted.
How do you measure a snake? In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.
What makes a hockey player laugh? (Warning: Cheesy) Slapstick Comedy!
When I read something can improve digestion... That's shit.
MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME
Getting a retweet from someone with 0 followers is like being a beneficiary in a homeless person's will.
(new york guy murmuring "eyy im walkin here" over and over in his sleep) aww hes having a dream where hes running
Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing "you Two look fantastic!!" on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado -Lady on the News just now I don't want to live on this planet anymore
Why do midgets love playing soccer? The grass tickles their balls.
What do you call a mexican drowning in mayonise Sin-co-dye-mayo
How can you tell if the code is broken? (SW Engineering joke) If India worked on it
My car's check engine light turned on, so I checked it. Yep, still there! Moving on.
What do gay men and Xbox's have in common? They both get red rings when they're fucked.
Why can't Californians stop at stop signs? I don't know and this is not a laughing matter.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no
When is the best time to eat fast food? *Fri*day!
In your bed, it's 6AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:30.
Did you hear about that African-Asian summit? Apparently it was a black-thai do.
If Russia invades Turkey from the rear.. Would Greece help?
How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana?
Oh red onions... you'll be the breath of me.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here" A time traveler walks into a bar.
Little Billy come out to his Dad... - Dad, I think I'm gay. - That's strange, when you were young, you did not seem to like anal sex.
I have 7,777 followers. Shouldn't coins be coming out of my computer or something? #gyp
Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle? A: It was a chain letter.
Ya know what's a real pain in my ass? Anal fissures.
I bought a nice 12 year old scotch yesterday. His parents weren't pleased.
What did Samsung Galaxy S 5 say to the iPhone 6? "Get bent" I hope you guys like this joke. I just came up with it.
How many blondes does it take to... How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 5... 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the chair
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C#
Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me. Too wise you are too wise you be I see you are too wise for me.
Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore? It's a riot
Yesterday I told someone that I don't like babies? "Have you tried them with ketchup instead of mayonnaise?", they asked.
"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Q: What do turtles do for fun? A: Play hide and shell.
Why do marine biologists have such a high job satisfaction rate? Because they find their work gives their lives a great deal of porpoise.
I would post a joke about cosmetics But I can't seem to make up one
Why did the nigger walks into a bar? Because the cell doors was still locked
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Sending dick pics is for amateurs... Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life.
I quite enjoy blowing air around a room. In fact, I'm a big fan.
"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist. "I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied. "And why do you think that is, Matt?"
If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what's best for me
Why did the pet proctologist fear his first feline procedure? Because wether he succeeded or failed, he knew he'd end up with a cat-ass-trophy on his hands.
I wanted to have a blimp of my own But it is so above my reach due to all the inflation!
*dumps more fleas on my head* *sits back down in front of chimpanzee* So, anyway, like I was saying...
What do you call someone who's never smoked weed? ilLITerate
I showed my 3-year-old Star Wars. It blew his mind. Seriously, how do you reboot a kid? Or should I just get a new one?
I would pay 5$ to see my girlfriend naked on the street I don't have a girlfriend, 5$ would be a good bargain
If you don't like the way women drive, Stay off the sidewalk.
After I die, I want someone to periodically log in as me so it looks like I'm haunting Facebook.
Removing her clothes
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who's super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, "Wait, who's this now?"
Why does Peter Parker have a shower in his apartment? He can't get out of a bath.
10 ways on how to deal with Click baiting! Does anyone know them?
Why are chefs the meanest? Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream
[taking baby's shoes off] Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere.
How to be cool: A) Use the cool sunglasses emoticon B)
I scream, You scream, We all scream Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
BIRD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.
What did the McDonald's addict suddenly realize? ...I'm lovin' shit
MEN: Developed Theory of Relatively. Walked on the Moon. Painted the Mona Lisa. Baffled by bra hooks.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye? Because she was seeing somebody on the side.
A professor and a thespian walk into a Martin Chalifour concert... 69696969696969696969 lololololololololol
I know a joke about cheddar broccoli but its soup'a cheesy.
How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house? He's still there.
Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands... but I think he's a pretty sharp guy.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we're talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Why is England the wettest country? Monarchies have reigned there for centuries.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I'm too demanding.
Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? A: Rep Tiles
Mob bosses are donating a percentage of every gram of speed smuggled &amp; sold to Thailand. They're calling it the "Ice Phuket Challenge".
What does 80 year-old pussy taste like? Depends...
Cops: Jay X? Me: Yes. Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike. Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
I bought a laser pointer, but I don't have a cat. So I 'borrowed' my neighbor's toddler, but he doesn't seem to get it. Babies are stupid.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
What do a hot girl and my little toe have in common? I bang them both on my coffee table at night.
I make a mean sandwich. The key is to use racist cheese.
My name is fatatata But I am not fatatall
I had a Mayweather joke, but it ran away from me.
MRW a replacement professor enters the wrong class Oops, wrong sub.
I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man. Then my stupid boss told me I'll never be a bus driver again.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in. 4-year-old: No, there might be sharks. Me: 4: Me: 4: Me: *gets out of pool*
What do you do if you step on a landmine? Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.
I hope England beats Iceland... Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
ME: "Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back" STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: "They called?! That's a level 3 violation!"
What did the deaf nymphomaniac say? come again?
A guy walks into a burn ward and says "Hey, you with the face!"
What's 12 inches long and makes your wife scream all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
Reddit gold is a lot like Nazi gold Accumulated over the corpses of people you've burned
Johnny asked his grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could fuck in one night."
I went to school without my shoes today. I got shoe-spended for a week.
The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour
A bad builder blames his fools *Tools Fucking keyboard
Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
Kryptonite They call my dick Kryptonite, Because not even Superman can handle it. Boom!
So I just saw the new fifty shades of grey movie It was pretty Greyt
If two lesbians get married, who does the cooking? Neither, they both eat out.
What is the speed of sex? 68... because at 69 you have to turn around
When is it acceptable to not tip your server? when your a system admin, and your server if tipped could destroy many websites.
The vice president of Pepsi got fired... he came up positive for coke.
Best joke ever? my life
Doggies get too much credit for that position. Really, every animal likes to do it that way.
I once met an Italian fellow with feet made entirely out of rubber. His name was Roberto.
A Jewish dad walks into a bar mitzvah. . edited to add the missing z
Where do you weigh pies? Somewhere over a rainbow...
I just had a brush with Death Is it weird to name your toothbrush?
I don't think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Tequila! Vodka! Whiskey! I'm calling the shots.
I love to purposefully mispronounce French words, but you need to do it around the right people, otherwise they act like its a huge fox pass.
Kids, you'll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a  magic spell? Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What's the difference between seal hunters and teenagers? There's none, both like clubbing.
What is the best letter who represent a man? (A favorite joke of my mother) The Q because is a big zero with a small tail.
What do you call a scary prostitute? Horrifying.
Playing golf for the first time this weekend reminded me of my trip to Taiwan It was a good experience and I had a great time, even though I ended up in a few traps.
What's the smartest dinosaur? Thesaurus Rex! omg, I crack myself up! ~Skip
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes... I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
A gun walks into a bar... And says "Hey bartender - I need to get loaded." The bartender says "Ok, I'll get you a few rounds."
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender.
Scientists recently discovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent They named it Thesaurus
Germans be like: Been there, Done that.
Your moms so fat...... When she goes to KFC, she licks other peoples fingers.
You know what kills me? Weapons.
What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code.
What did the little Iraqi girl tell her father after he bought her a new backpack? Thanks for the Baghdad.
What happened when the cannibal showed up to the buffet late? They gave him the cold shoulder.
It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.
Wireless Internet is like Sex You still want it, even if it's unprotected and in a public place.
Computers manufacturer is considering changing  the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the  flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes
 What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer. 
What do you call an old John Cena? John Cenile
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes... ....That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." ~ Jack Handey
sometimes i wonder was it worth it to get laid at the expense of covering my firewood pile when it was about to rain? no... it never is
It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!
What do you call a child afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic
When theres a rack of lamb, there is not a lack of ram.
Dad I have to poo! "Dad I have to poo!" No answer. "Dad I have to poo!" Still no answer. "Dad I really have to poo!" "OK son, I'm pulling out."
What do you get if you fuck someone in the ear? Hearing aids.
I just realized that I have lost my mood ring... Not sure how I feel about this...
i went into the bar and ordered a Whiskey Osama... the batender asked "what's that?" i answered "Two shots and a splash of water."
Why don't bars in London have Happy Hour? They're in Greenwich Mean Time.
I discovered a Star Wars themed sex technique... I call it the Hands Solo
What's Afghanistan's National Bird? An American drone.
Pool party at my house... BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)...
Chuck Norris and Superman fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants. (Submitted at the request of my 10 year-old son.)
How can a room full of couples be empty? There wasn't a single person in there.
Best place to hide stuff? Page two in Google search results!
I finally decided on my Halloween costume. I'm going to go as a French pancake chef; that'll really give people the crepes.
My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
Why do Jews have big noses? Because oxygen is free.
How to Avoid Condom Accident The Perfect System To Avoid Condom Accident, Use Double Condom With Chilly Powder In Between, If Outer Breaks She Will Know , If Inner Breaks U Will Know.
What is a bullfighter's favourite type of car? A cabri - ole
I heard there's a woman going about with twelve nipples. Sounds absurd. Dozen tit.
Life is what happens between Apple product releases.
Maybe your d*ck is so small because half of it is in your personality.
At the mattress store I set all the sleep numbers to 69, because I'm hilarious and original and sexy.
Teacher: "Your composition on the assignment "My dog" is exactly like your brothers... ...did you copy it?" Boy: "No, it's the same dog!"
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it's so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don't suspect a thing.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn't long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off. I love counterfeiting stuff
mens rights activists
"You remind me of a man." - "What man?" - "The man with the power." - "What power?" - "The power of Hoodoo." - "Who do?" - "You do." - "Do what?" - "Remind me of a man."
I need to stop Binge thinking.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer either way.
What do you call someone who dances on cars ? A morris dancer !
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been  hacked.
*illegally downloads a social life*
Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet? Her food is potion-controlled.
A guy gives free circumcisions He gets asked, "well, if you don't get paid, how do you keep the food on the table?" He answers, "I keep the tips"
When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter...
I am still paying... A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory.
McDonald's is opening their first restaurant in India. Employees must ask if you want flies with every order.
What's a fresh vegetable? One that insults a farmer.
Is Google male or female? Female, because it knows everything, and secretly tracks your activity.
*Leans head up to wife as I'm dying* Me: My only regret is... *Coughs loudly* Me: ...not having something cooler to say as I die. *Dies*
What is purple and commutes? An Abelian grape!
Today was my first day in University Everyone look me like i am a criminal or prey.
Yes ma'am, my address is 391 Easy Street... ...that's 'E' as in Eye, 'A' as in Are, 'S' as in Sea, and 'Y' as in You.
9yo: Look what I made! Me: What? 9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars! Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.
Oh you love your mom's cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..
What should you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
Jokes Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
I couldn't find my mustache for a week It was right under my nose the entire time.
Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins. *opens package* *adds water*
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? Because he is married
Geez, I'm so sorry...I'm not normally ticklish. (me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely. Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Why did the programmer quit his job? He didn't get arrays... edit: After googling I found out this joke already existed :|
Why do Mexicans keep naming their child Jesus? Jesus wasn't Mexican. He was human.
Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.
I really don't appreciate ghosts coming back from the dead just to tell me I'm doing a bad job. Boooooo
A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years. the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago.
I realized the reason why i don't have any patience. Because I am not a doctor.
It's starting to look like Christmas in New York A lot of the stores have trees in the window
The front desk lady at this remote motel is barely concealing her howling desire to graphically murder me. I'll be honest, it's refreshing.
Who invented the sucker punch? Mike Dyson
ME: So I... was never invisible? JAIL DOCTOR: No. That's why you're in jail
I really wanted to make a Zelda joke But there is no Links allowed.
Live a little, ask her "are ya done?" while she's still yelling at you.
Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby's. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.
What do you call Chinese jewelry? Bling blong
[waking up as an adult] What a beautiful day. I wonder what parts of my body will hurt today
God said too Joseph, come fourth and be granted with enternal life... Joseph came fifth and got a toaster
"I have too much time on my hands and I want to stew in a broth of my own filth." - People who take baths
I hope you guys realize that sunflower seeds are salted little plant babies.
Knock Knock: Nutella Knock Knock Who's there? Nutella Nutella who? I'm Nutella-ing you.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas. I didn't cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
So I opened an egg today and something came out. That's the yolk.
The difference between Napoleon and I... is Napoleon understood the importance of 5 minutes. That's my dream. In reality, I'd masturbate if I could get away with it
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor? Because he didn't feel well.
If you jingle my bells, I will promise you a white Christmas.
What do you call a loaf baked in a zoo? Bread in captivity.
It doesn't matter that I'm bad at spelling, I'm the best physicist just give me a sodastream and watch.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn't be like "The Ring" and kill anyone who watches it.
What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat.
An old gambling buddy told me this joke: What did the man with premature ejaculation say to his blind wife? "Honey, could you pass me the remote?"  Bet you didn't see THAT coming!
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
What's the name of Michael J Fox's dry-cleaner? Park and Sons. /Park en sons/ http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t57/Thomzilla/Fazed/michael_j_fox_shaken_not_stirred.gif
How 'done' do you want your burger? I can do "well-done" all the way to "CPR might actually work."
Last night, I was sitting next to a hot girl at the bar... ...and all I could think was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
Damn boy! What's your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS Oh you're a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."
"Buy your individuality!" - Urban Outfitters
I don't hate anyone. I just don't like people.
Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
What do you call a story about a rooster? A cocktale.
R.I.P. bottled water. You will be mist
Thats offensive. Please stop using the word gay. It is offensive to faggots.
Have you seen www.topsecret.com? If I have I'm not going to tell you.
What's worse than an adult? An adult Hitler.
To Find and Replace the new /r/news sidebar terminology Find "Rule" Replace with "Shari'a Law"
The FBI raided Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters She needed them to get in quick and destroy all the evidence.
It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours.
My internet's signal always lose connection Just like my ex wife
I've got the body of a 25 year old supermodel But my fridge is too small... Does anyone have any ideas?
SKRILLEX must be really clumsy... ...he just keeps dropping his bass
If you're happy and you know it, you're self aware!
Sure, he's got his faults, like -- he's a necromancer, and a hoarder... ... but doesn't everybody have a few skeletons in their closet?
love is like a fart If you have to to force it, it's probably shit.
The couple in the room next door are having sex again. It's horrible. The chick's moaning sounds like a wounded walrus.
I was looking at the fruit in the bowl, thinking... How the fuck did I end up with a gay goldfish...
One. How many time travelers does it take to ruin a joke?
How come no one liked the Chinese food enthusiast? He was a mega lo meiniac.
So, hear about the 2 Muslims in a speedboat who broke through the Thames barrier? They rammed a dam
Shopping with friend "Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!" Me: "What's leftover pizza?
Everybody has a friend that is completely different when they're not under female supervision.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
I learned 2 things at least when I was married 1. Always passcode lock your phone 2. Don't use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen
the similarities between a wife and a grenade if you pull the ring off, the house is gone
What has a hazelnut in every bite? SQUIRREL SHIT!
What did Bowie say before he died? Robin, is that you?
Two muffins are baking in an oven ... And one muffin turns to the other one and says, "Wow, it's pretty darn hot in here." The other muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
Whenever I call my husband to wash the dishes, I am reminded what a great lover he is. He never comes quickly.
my life thats it thats the joke
That's it! No more dick jokes! I'm only doing jokes about intellectual topics, like finance! Today the Vietnamese Dong remained firm against the Zambian Kwacha.
What do you call a Persian lesbian? A flying carpet muncher. I'm so sorry.
Ok guys I have a confession.... Particle accelerators give me a hadron....
Go to the attic. Use either the stairs or some second method. Do you choose the former or the ladder?
What does the lord say when the intern messes up? God demi
What do you call a half native pirate? Metis
What do you call allergy season without any Kleenexes? A tissue
Me: Goodnight Moon Moon: Well hi there. I can't hear you because I'm 240,000 miles away and sound doesn't travel in space. Die in a fire.
Why did everybody where white pants at The Masters? Dustin Johnson sneezed.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
My password is not working Put numbers in uppercase.
I just want a car with pop-up headlights. Do they still make those? Love would be good too.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
So they're making a Hulk body wash... You apply it with a Loofah Rigno.
Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn't an idiot. Maybe he's generous. And an idiot.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
"Computers will never replace humans." - Cannibal wisdom.
I disagree with the comments around here about feminists being fat, ugly, disgusting, whiny bitches... Some of them are just ugly.
What does Batman like in his drink? Just ice
The French I can speak fluent french, watch this... "I Surrender"
"Do you know how awkward you are?" "Good, you?"
Why did the pig join a muscle-building class?  He thought "pumping iron" was a new juice dispenser.
ME: snakes are mean TEACHER: right ME: but it's not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs TEACHER: ok ME: so the ends justify the mean
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, who can swim the English Channel? Clever Dick.
Customer: There's something wrong with my hot  dogs. Waiter: Sorry I'm a waiter not a veterinarian.
What do you call a whore with a runny nose? Full.
Did you hear that they exhumed the body of John Lennon? All they found was a dead beetle...
Whats the antonym of Manchester United? WomanBreastsR Divided
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
How does Harry Potter get down a hill? Walking. Jk. Rowling.
What did Einstein text to his friend who he'd see tomorrow? E=MC U L8R
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.
So we're just gonna walk around pretending it's not weird that one of our hands is just worse at everything?
GF: You cant keep it. ME: But- G: Its a BEE. M: HES my FRIEND! G: Hand him over. M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Hello? Is the Communist Party here? Delete my subscription. I just won the lottery.
LH741: Tower give me a rough time check  Tower: It's Thursday Sir.
Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.
Man: a pack of condoms please. Cashier: would you like a paper bag? Man: no thanks, she's pretty good looking.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers? Fang mail.
What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? "Nowledge."
The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far "There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."
Captain Ahab is like G.W. Bush They're both violent men that have a revenge fantasy against a cheap source of oil.
Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch an ounce of ganja Jack lit up and took a puff And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
If you walk into a zoo and steal a duck do they call it stolen mallard?
*Bruno Mars on the radio* Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me? Brain: Just say, YES! Me: Has the pin been pulled? Brain: Idiot!
Sometimes my sense of humour is so dark... ... It picks cotton
The furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand...
What's for dinner Dad? *Wookie steak.* Is it any good? *A little Chewy*
JK Rowling has written an explanation on Pottermore for a spell that makes your legs fall off It's called the Pistorious spell.
How do Jazz musicians drink their liquor? Straight, No Chaser.
When I fix someone's computer and they say "Wow how'd you do that?" I tell them I'm a wizard then throw glitter in their face.
Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.
What did the boy with no arms &amp; legs get at the World Cup? Cancer.   (   )
Politicians have more need of diapers than babies because they're full of way more shit.
The tag on this hot tub reads "6 man" when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!
Bouncer: Woah. Dress code Me: This is a suit B: Yeah, a chicken suit. *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket *pats it M: We good? B: Have fun, sir
High schools shouldn't have school zones. If you can't cross the street by the time you're in HS you deserve to get hit.
What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One less drunk
Gave my blind mate a cheese grater the other day... He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
I invited Jim for dinner "Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?" [Loud thud on the roof] *sigh* "I'll get the ladders"
2 men walk into a bar... You'd think the 2nd man would've ducked
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Noel.
Did you hear about the vulture that became a priest? He's a bird of pray.
Don't you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand. It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!
I have decided to write erotic literature for premature ejaculators. ----- Chapter 1 ----- He looked at her. ----- The End. -----
What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate
Earthquake in DC... This is the shakeup in Washington we needed.
"I'll have a rum and coke" Is pepsi ok? "Sure whatever" *hands you a pepsi and coke*
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
[quietly opens a beer] Funeral Director: seriously?! Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction.
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
If your house is hit by a dolphin, don't go outside to see if the dolphin is alright, that's how the hurricane tricks you to come outside.
What do a weather man and a fat penis doctor have in common? They are both meteorologists. (Works better spoken)
I asked a comedian what performing in the Soviet Union was like. Apparently, back then, it was all about the execution.
Just before my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time... I told her I was gonna give her 9 inches. Just as long as she was willing to take 3 inch payments
What is similar between Sharks and Humans? The Great ones are always white.
What do a wedding and a funeral have in common? At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.
PATIENT: I've been so stressed out lately. What can I do? DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
How does a tornado tell the time? It checks the tornado watch.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer? The taste.
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Pizza" "My new boyfriend who? "No. Pizza" "My future husband who?" "No." "Playing hard to get who?"
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the S'mores of Pop-Tarts, it was the Unfrosted Strawberry of Pop-Tarts.
Girls. Don't get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!
What kind of pants do Bostonians wear? Car Keys
What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday? Swine flu
What is a Mexican's favorite FPS? Borderlands.
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows it hasn't happened yet.
I said Jesus take the wheel. He said I no have license, amigo.
[intercom] Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren't taking us seriously.
My girlfriend says I have a sharp tongue ... But I think she's just menstruating.
If you like to spoon, you'll love to spatula. That's where I flip you over to make certain you're done properly on both sides.
Paris attack I beat the paris mission in mw3 today
4/20 It's Hitler's birthday today... ... I guess that brings a whole another meaning to "Smoking a J"
Kids - there is no Santa. Those gifts were from your parents. Happy New Year from Wikileaks
What did Donald Trump say to Obama at the White House? You're fired!
I have a beta fish named Carl He's a real lady killer!
I didn't like my haircut at first... But it's growing on me.
"Half a dozen" because saying '6' is way too long... >_<
Why are protein shakes such loners? They're whey isolate.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? keep the tip bitch.
it's better to give than to receive Especially, if it's anal.
How do you karma whore on r/Jokes?
A man was murdered in a Black Pudding factory... They drowned him in cold blood.
Why did the blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means stop ;D
Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators? A: Toys for Twats.
She danced her way into his heart. -She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
What do Italians eat on Halloween? fettucine afraid-o
You may like your coffee free, but I like mine like I like my women Hot, brown and sweet......and without a penis...
"That's not Captain Kirk." is what I like to say just after the pilot makes his first announcement & then everyone laughs in my head.
What do you call an Ethiopian's birthday? A once in a lifetime opportunity.
What is the title of the Japanese version of "When Harry Met Sally" (wait for it ... wait for it ...) "When Hally Met Sarry" Ahhh - don't you feel better now?
Im going to make a joke about Polish people They're shiny
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. (I worked there my freshman year and had to unclog the toilets.)
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds  from improving schools to improving jails? A: Because when his term is through he won't be going to school.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"
A new survey shows that 90% of men masturbate in the shower, the other 10% sing. Know what they sing? Yeah, me neither.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
What did the monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
What did Rihanna say when asked why she was still with Chris Brown? She shrugged and said "Beats me!"
My penis is only 4 inches... ...but I find most girls don't like it that wide.
Why did Ronald McDonald divorce his wife? He found out she's now selling her McMuffin all day
The only food in Hell is the part of the popcorn kernel that gets stuck between your teeth. Also they have an Olive Garden.
What species of mushroom is known for being an instigator? The shiitalkie mushroom.
I'm good at telling dad jokes Hi good at telling dad jokes, I'm dad.
Why was the deaf man sighing and shaking his head in disgust when he looked over at his next door neighbour? Because she was *airing her dirty laundry*!!!
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing no clothes but covered head to toe in saran wrap The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts"
What did the shoes say to the pants? SUP, BRITCHES!
Finish this thought A man lands on his driveway, gets out of his spaceship, enters his home to find...
My 3yo just told me that he loves to make babies and I don't know what it means but I'm terrified.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Power Ranger Barbie ...with karate-chop action; complete with the ridiculous outfit
What's blue and not heavy? ...Light blue
What do they call the 13th floor in England? The 12th floor.
It sings and drives John Travolvo
Somebody asked me what a spoonerism was.... I haven't got a cooking flue.
If I get a penny for every racist joke I make.. Black people would rob me.
Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?
Have you tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
[interview] What's your greatest weakness? ME: Probably avoiding tough questions Can you elaborate on that? ME: Oh hey look at the time!
How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day? F5 (sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Both of their last big hits were The Wall.
Why did Obama and liberals decide to tax aspirin? Because it's white and it works
Lion and a cheetah have a race and the cheetah wins! The lion say "your such a cheeta!!" The cheetah says "um no your lion!!"
How do people want Trump right now? [removed]
What Do you tell a woman with two black eyes ? Nothing you told her twice.
What is a black guy's favorite game to play with the kids? Peekaboo.
Can someone please wake up Billie Joe Armstrong?
If you like pee jokes... ...urine luck.
A five year old just made up this joke. Q: Why do astronauts eat so fast? A: Because they're on a rocket ship. Duh.
Why did the motorcycle suddenly stop running? Because it was two tired.
How do you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one... Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?
Q: What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens? A: Oh-lay!
Why should you never trust an atom? They make everything up!
Why did balloon prices keep rising? Because they had to adjust for inflation.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call it. It's not gonna come. (Probably been posted before, but oh well I'm new and I apologize)
A Vegan, a crossfitter and a Game of thrones fan walk into a bar, 5 minutes later everybody knew about it.
What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
When a neutron hits a uranium atom... Potassium. Oxide.
New glasses "New glasses? They look super, man!" Clark Kent begins to sweat.
Voat's servers
Getting old sucks. I walked into the bathroom and forgot what I went in there for. And then I shit my pants.
I remember when my son fell asleep at a house party we had. I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face. My wife went mental when she picked him up to change his nappy.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
The next President of the United States. The joke is in the title , but it makes me cry.
If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology... I'll give you a mini-tour
I told my wife, "no man should spend more time washing dishes than he does having sex!" Our new dishwashing service is great.
It's been 5 years now. I'm afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
No mushrooms, no chives. Bob Marley ordering a pizza.
A reporter told the police that someone hacked his computer and removed the first line of every story. There are no ledes.
I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears.
What did the fresh egg say to the boiling pot of water? "It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning."
The power reddit has to change anything.
What is the last thing you want to hear after sucking Willie Nelsons dick? "That's not Willie Nelson."
What do you call a strong woman with a successful career and family life? A human being you fucking sexist.
Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope
My girlfriend keeps calling me immature. I guess the saying is true. You are what you eat.
TIL that the radiation of the sun has caused the American Flag on the moon to be completely white So now it looks like France visited first
A racist, a sexist, a homophobe, and a idiot walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and smiles. "Welcome back, Mr. Trump!" he says.
Men are like lava lamps.  Fun to look at but not very bright.
Do rich people ask loaded questions? I mean, surely they do, right?
[undercover FBI agent who's had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
What do you call a group of men with flat butts? Assless Chaps
What's the difference between dog food and a hot dog? I have no idea...
Between Trump and Clinton, who is more likely to start a nuclear war if elected president? America, with the missiles aimed at ourselves.
What do we want? A cure for short-term memory loss! When do we want it? When do we want what?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school? It's fine, he woke up.
Why did the Samurais armor break? There was a chink in it.
What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do? Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you call a dinosaur that only eats the most delicious food? A connoisaur
People always go, "Why can't there ever be peace in the Middle East?" We can't even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That's why.
Did you hear about the kid who fixed the Internet? The Internet: 7/10 The Internet with Rice: 10/10
GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes ME: I thought it was three? GENIE: You need four
What's the difference between a baby and a big bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would NEVER let a big bag of cocaine fall out a window!
"I'm not going to cosine this oppression in math class...." Its my triggernometry class
Teen Joke Teacher:" What comes after 69?" Student:" Mouthwash." Teacher:"Get out."
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER 6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out
I feel really bad for people suffering from prolonged erections. They must have it so hard.
When i have sex it's a race to see who comes first ... me or the aspca
Ben and Kyle are talking. Kyle says to Ben I had a one night stand. To which Ben replied what do you have now?
What do you call it when you're run over by a German? Hunover.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can't even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits.
What's 6 inches long and starts with a p? ........... a shit (think about it)
So, today I found out that Starbucks coffee is an 8 on the ph scale I guess that you could say all of those white girls are basic.
What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? One knows the stops the other stops the nose.
I'm sick of this one horse town *moves to two horse town* No, no, this is too much
Programming is like sex One mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime.
The transformation of Facebook into MySpace is almost complete.
Call a beautiful women, beautiful she will never remember Call a Fat Women Fat and She will never forget, because elephants never forget
*night falls, the full moon rises* ME: go, please! i don't want you to see me...like...this HIM: omg what's happening ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I get scared visiting the ghetto on Google street view.
From my 9yr old You must be from the south...cause your the only Ten-I-See. kids got game.
How does a Muslim find a goat in tall grass? Sexier when his child bride is holding it.
"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq." "Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"
Why are gay men so well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing...
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
For sale: The Complete Enlopdiea Brittania Reason: No longer needed. Wife knows everything
If your Uncle was an animal, what one would he be? An Aunt-eater.
Elton John just launched a women's lingerie line.. "And you can tell everybody this is your thong"
If you don't know, please ask. If you don't agree, argue. If you don't like it, please say it. But don't sit there quiet and judge me.
What did the man in the "Race for a Cure" say to the three people beside him? "we're walking four abreast."
Packing my daughter's prom kit...lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I've uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
A lifetime supply of McDonalds is actually pretty short
Dog: Whatcha doing? Me: Shaving my legs. Dog: Why? Me: So that I'm not covered in... Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table? I don't knead you anymore.
Q: What goes VROOM SCREECHVROOM SCREECHVROOM SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.
Had sex with a girl who had eczema last night... Her tits were crackin
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day It's lucky my older brother told me about it really... \- Milton Jones
A photon is going through airport security... The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I won't undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.
"DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.
Why shouldn't you date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Whats the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!
I told my girlfriend I wanted to try the orca in bed tonoght. I wanted to see how long I can last Tilikum.
"Dude go make the first move on her!" "Okay fine, but I'm not too sure what I'm doing." *approaches girl* "Knight to f3"
My 7 year old son told me "You're the most beautiful mommy ever!" I asked him what he did and where's he hiding it.
What's green and red, and goes round and round? A frog in a food blender.
Would Bill Cosby make a shitty bartender?
I'll betcha that Heimlich guy gets a lot of pats on the back.
human skin boots My friend paid $4,000 for human skin boots and pants. I told him how stupid that was--he could have had the same thing in black for $29.
Why shouldn't you date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them!
Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.
My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often Well, he actually said I could have a stroke any time.
Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat?  To the calf-ateria!
What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? Just put it on my bill.
Girlfriends are like puppies... They start out wanting to cuddle and kiss your face, but soon grow into a bitch.
What's black, white and red, and can't turn around in an elevator? A nun with a spear through her head.
"What's the matter with him?" "Nothing. He's a positron."
How can you tell when your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.
I'd say 6:30 is the best time on a clock. Hands down.
Why do thugs play basketball? Because it teaches them to shoot, run and steal.
What did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall? Dam. What did the dam say to the fish? Dumb bass.
A pilot, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone within a minute.
I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"
The first rule of breast club is you having them and that's good enough for me.
The art of the word "Fuck" jk there is no art, art fucking sucks
Did you hear about the hillbilly yeast? It was in bread.....
I'm not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.
There's a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. My dog doesn't want to watch TV  I just got him an iPad.
Justin Bieber getting tasered would be the most watched YouTube video of all time.
I'm writing a story about a Pirate who sells corn... It's about a buccaneer.
What did MC Hammer name his son? Arman.
How do you get a sweet little old lady to say F***? Get another one to yell BINGO
What did Lincoln say on the last night of his life? "Aw shit Mary, I need to go see a play tonight like I need a hole in the head..."
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
People keep asking me today "So you have a new boss?" No, I'm still with my wife.
Why did Hitler fail his math class? He couldn't reach the final solution.
Why did the scarecrow get the Nobel prize? He was out standing in his field.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.
How do you disappoint a redditor? &lt;removed&gt;
"Yeah, well your dog isn't a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you're vaccinated" - how a kid talks shit in 2015
What's the difference between a cat and a comma One has claws at the end of its paws, the other's a pause at the end of its clause.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.
What do you do if you're drunk and you run into your ex wife? Reverse to make sure.
Melania Trump says her husband is "not Hitler." That's true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If you ever see a sloth moving a little faster than usual, it's because he's trying to get to a party before the hors d'oeuvres are gone.
Whats the difference between God and Donald Trump? God doesn't think he is Donald Trump.
I asked my redneck friend what he thought of the Trans-Pacific Partnership He said that as long as they don't marry, then he's okay with it.
A girl asks her boyfriend if she's put on weight recently. He says "no!" and then has a seizure. He goes to the doctor. Diagnostic: convulsive liar.
What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions? Dreamcatchers
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend "Is it true that if you pull your finger out I'll sink?"
if jesus died for our sin... Who died for our cos and tan?
What do you call a german that can't see? A nazi.
My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure
Human: your name is Flipper Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I never knew who my father was Until my mom revealed that she had a sex change
Dad, I'm cold.. Dad : Go stand in the corner son. Son: why? Dad: because its 90 degrees
What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee? I feel positively charged!
Bill Cosby was puddin' his pop where it didn't belong.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me... It means a lot.
Me: yeah, I'm not going to make it in today. Boss:of course, this snow is crazy. Me: Snow?
Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you're dead.
I had a wooden whistle... And it wooden whistle. So, I got a steel whistle and it steel wooden whistle. Finally I got a tin whistle, now I tin whistle.
What kind of car does George Bush the younger drive? A BMDubya!
If you catch Chuck Norris sleeping he will grant you one wish.... if your wish is dying.
A man from out of town walks into a bar... ...the locals know to duck.
Why isn't Edward leaving Russia? ...because he's snowed in.
Two people go to a Nickelback concert.
I just got invited to a Game of Thrones themed wedding I think those bastards are going try to kill everyone
I tried to sit through my friend's joke about the void... (xpost from /r/punny/) But it was endless.
[aliens talking] "They call it a sel-fee" A photograph of oneself? "Sometimes several" But why? "We have one theory" Go on "They're idiots"
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me] Me: At least somebody's happy to see me! Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
What do you have when you have a cow and two ducks? Milk and quackers.
3 rings in a man's life 1. Engagement ring 2. Wedding ring 3. Suffering
boss: I've been reviewing the security footage from last night and... me: OH SHIT! boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!
Nodoze - original Q: Why did the guy eat a bicycle with training wheels when he had to pull an allnighter? A: Because it was for tired.
Did you hear about the obese woman who got a job at a bank? She was a four-chin teller.
When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold. When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.
I can't tell if I'm going bald... or if it's all in my head.
Sometimes when I'm taking a dump, I just have to chuckle. You know, for shits and giggles.
I'll accept the 'fat fingers' excuse for typos but if you fuck up your/you're I'm going to need to see a doctor's note explaining your IQ.
Why did the BMX date the motorcycle? He was feeling a bit bike-curious.
My Korean friend died last week... So Yung
How does a farmer count his cows?? with a Cowculator!!
I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night... I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
Why doesn't Mr. Jinks babysit his brother's daughters? He hates nieeeeeeeeces to pieeeeeecesssssssss!!!!!!!
Best pick up line in a gay bar? "May I push your stool in?"
Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.
What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe? I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank
What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler? Michael Phelps can actually finish a race!
Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer? He had Loco motives
You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male They have a higher rate of penetration...
What did the Irish man and the mongol woman name their child? Lepre Kahn
Me: Did you use my highlighter? 2-year-old: Me: 2: Me: 2: No. Apparently she's always been neon yellow.
Fireworks? Yes it does.
"YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You've been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!" *mom leaves crust on so you'll finally move out*
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
What do you call a crazy bug that lives in space? A lunar-tick
Why is Santa's sack so large? Because he only comes once a year.
Watching soccer gives me the same feeling as watching a drunk guy try to get his key in the door.
What do you call a magic owl? HOOdini
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos.
My teacher told me that I am unique But when I told my mom what my teacher said she replied," Sweetie, just because you are autistic doesn't make you special".
Do I want Internet Explorer to remember my password? Do you want a wild raccoon to babysit your family?
Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too? Her: No I in team Me: Isn't 1 in diet either. Her: Yes there.. Me: I'm too hungry for your mindgames!
People with amblyopia don't have a lazy eye... they have an eye with ADHD.
[grandma's house] Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me? Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it's too snowy to drive. SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I met a girl who was looking hot and I said to her: Your temperature is high today,as usual got weird reaction.
I like my women like I like my coffee, I can't afford coffee
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don't have any Cheerios in this house. *eats it
Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
Why does Yoda think 5 is afraid of 7? Because "6, 7 ate".
What do you call a potato who puts videos online? A Youtuber
My enthusiasm knows bounds.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"
I believe Unicorns were the first to call each other dickheads.
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and an all-girl track team? Pygmies are cunning runts.
A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.
[First Date] "Okay don't let her know you're a tool shed" Waiter: Anything to drink? Date: a screwdriver please *My head slowly opens*
Nuts on a wall What do you call nuts on a wall? Wall nuts What do you call nuts on your chest? Chest nuts What do you call nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth
My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in. I said, "Why?" "Because it *looks* like you've just had sex," he said, zipping his trousers.
Its a joke not a d*ck, don't take it to hard.
I just bought a bidet The salesperson told me it'd clean the shit out of me!
What do you call a mean dust storm? Darude - Sandstorm
How could a leper afford a nice house? It cost an arm and a leg
Kappa Full HD Mega 60FPS Sin Virus 1Link "No lo descargo porque ya lo tengo"
Math problems for smartypants-s What is the square route of an EMU? A RADICAL EMU!!!!!!
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture
Wrong answer ... Wife busted me blow drying my penis after I got out of the shower. She asked what I was doing ... I guess warming up your dinner wasn't the right answer.
It is nearly impossible to find an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. They are all optical Aleutians.
God Bless You
I started a company that sells landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are through the roof.
How are dumb blondes like peanut butter? They spread for the bread
I'm thinking of getting a tribal tattoo to express my individuality.
Why does Beyonce sing the song "to the left"? Because black people have no rights...
What's the hardest part about roller-blading? Telling your parents you're gay.
Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia? They were afraid of Stalin.
Last night my girlfriend asked me "Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?" What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight?"
You know what's odd about those girls at Starbucks? They, like, literally can't, even.
Why did the atom stick around? Cuz if he split, the situation would have gotten blown out of proportion.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
What deity has the worst teeth? Tartarus
A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar The bartender says, "We don't serve minors here."
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore..... A friend of mine was wearing one  when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks. Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19. Me: I guess you kind of get it.
A guy comes in a bar My bad, it's actually a horse. So a guy comes in a horse...
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is bad for kids to play with, and the other is a plastic grocery bag.
you either die ... hating Justin Bieber or you live long enough to see yourself become a fan
Want to hear the new word I just created? Plagiarism!
Everybody thought potassium was an asshole AND a narcissist. It was probably because all he ever said to anyone was "K".
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i've got a date tonight. siri: "lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha."
I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.
How do I take my coffee? Uh..Orally. Why? How do you take it? Freak.
What did one wall say to the other wall? Lets meet in the corner!
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool* You guys torrent any emails lately?
Your cat doesn't love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Years ago I used to do a lot of drag racing... ...buy I kept tripping in those high heels
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know! (elephino)
A preachers son told him he was an atheist the preacher accepted it and was very supportive.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Kanye name his son North West, So no matter who many people make fun of him, with a name like that we know he is heading straight to the top. And a little to the left
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant But then I changed my mind
What is the difference between a zebra and a bar? Zebras have bars around their asshole, and there are assholes around the bars.
What's Rihanna's favorite type of apple? She doesn't have one. She'll eat anyone that's bruised!
What makes the sound 'Clip clop bang clip clop'? An Amish drive-by
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing
Don't you hate it when someone starts a sentence but they...
By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma. On Friday...Canada attacks.
How'd the monkey fall out of the tree. He was dead. How'd the next second monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey! How'd the Third monkey fall out of the tree. Peer Pressure.
The Myinb Oxen was recently declared extinct. RIP Myinb Ox
Did you hear about the new Marvel superhero movie about the guy who kills villains with bad jokes? It's called The Pun-isher.
What did one ball say to the other? Who's the dick in the middle?
My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted... Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.
Does a farmer eat female sheep? Ewe, no.
What is the difference between Faith and Hope? Depends on the strip club.
Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew? All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish
*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma* lol you cant hang loser. passin out w/ shoes on? rookie "Sir please step away from the casket"
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hang onto your nuts, because this is going to be one hell of a blow job.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
What is it called when Donald Trump rides a camel? A trump on a hump
There once was a man named Brent He made poems wherever he went The poems were fine But on the very last line He added too many syllables
Bad religious joke I created. One day Jesus is talking to god and says, "Hey dad, guess what I did today?" God: "What?" Jesus: "I walked on water." God: "No way." Jesus: "Yahweh!" Badum, tss
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.. I don't know what he laced em with but I've been tripping all day......!
Something with high frequency hit me It really hertz
I don't think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it's like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you're having a velociraptor.
How does an ugly guy get the girl? All he needs is game
Once I went to a zoo with only one animal. It was a shih tzu.
A man... A man tried to catch fog, he mist
I cheated on my taxidermist girlfriend. Now I'm stuffed...
Would I miss my leg or my arm more? (me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs? Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
A local grocery bagger has been bagging cola on top of bread. Many were concerned that their bread would be flattened. His response to their concerns was "It's fine. They're soft drinks"
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don't worry, I didn't want you to get me anything anyway. No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
"Your cute" "My cute what?"
The Indian man went to the doctor complaining about stomach pains. He had Hindigestion.
I bought some new speakers today...... I think I made a sound investment.
After my prostrate exam, the nurse asked me an interesting question. She asked "Who was the guy in the lab coat?"
Patient: Doctor please kiss me! Doctor: I am sorry, I can't! My code of ethics forbids me to kissing my patients. Honestly speaking we should not be having sex either.
A jew walks into a bar ... says ouch, then sues the bastard who left it there
The other day some guy came up to me, called me a Blockhead and then proceeded to hit me with his rhythm stick... I though "That just adds insult to Ian Dury."
Want to buy a pocket computer? No thanks I already know how many pockets I've got.
What is the recommended psychological treatment for mentally ill statisticians? Regression therapy
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I work 24/7 - which is about 3.42 hours.
The average American male... has a 5" penis but says it's 7". Anyways, close enough....or a perfect 5/7 story?
Some guy walked up to me today and said I'm racist I told him I'm not racist. In fact my best friend was a black child until my dad sold him
What's the difference between a bicycle and a black man? A bike doesn't start singing when you put chains on it.
That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.
(NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.
I just saw my parents having sex Damn you Pornhub
I think my neighbor makes tennis supplies for the very tall... Because every night I can hear him making a giant racket.
So my girlfriend caught me... My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my penis. She asked, "what the hell are you doing?!" Apparently "heating up your dinner" wasn't the right answer.
Really sucks for those addicted to Apple products... ...now there is no *escape*
Why did the police officer smell? Because he was on duty.
Was told to unfold my graduation gown to get rid of the square creases replied that I'd rather graduate with more degrees.
Alzheimer's joke Knock knock Who's there? To get to the other side!
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with... And the other carries groceries.
Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust? He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny
It was raining... The man blotting his wet shoes with newspapers, explained, "These are The Times that dry men's soles."
I wish my girlfriend was more like my job... My job sucks dick!
Why did the Muslim fail his Chemistry Exam ? because to him, Alcohol is not a solution
why couldn't the imperial guard sniff out the money trail in skyrim? because of a deviated septim
*Cookie Monster finishes cookie, looks into camera* ME WANT TO TALK ABOUT ISRAEL
What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.
One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that's pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
I got expelled from school on pajama day. It's not my fault I sleep naked.
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
Is it any wonder men have been obsessed with sex since biblical times? After all, Adam was ribbed for his own pleasure
Elf cop:"We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf! *Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*
Whats the best part of fuckin a pregnant woman? you get a handjob at the same time
What do you say Everytime maths wants you to calculate value of his X Dear Maths, I'm sick &amp; tired of finding your 'X' she's gone dude and don't ask 'Y'
Your mom is like a chicken coop... Cocks fly in and out all day!
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Why does everything taste like chicken? Because God is black.
How do you discuss cheese with a Welshman? Very Caerphilly.
Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand? Because she used the other to sing
[Interview] "You were arrested for armed robbery?" I had no choice. It's silly to try and rob a bank without your arms. "We'll be in touch."
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike
Why did the little mermaid wear seashells? D shells were too big.
How many Im not saying she's a slut But jokes are there? Im not saying she a slut but: She's been boarded more times than Amtrak
Man to very beautiful airhostess:- "What's your name?" Air hostess:- "Eva Benz.." Man :- "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Air hostess:- (smiling) "maintenance cost is same" :D
How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? Both of them.
You hear the one about a geologist that was an alcoholic? He found rock bottom.
*goes on job interview* -You come very highly recommended. -Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.
A grasshopper walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, I've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You've got a drink named Bob?"
What do you call someone who really loves breakfast? A cereal killer.
How come Barbie never got pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
what did one snowman say to the other? do you smell carrots?
Things to do before I start the thing I am supposed to be doing: All of the things.
Pretty sure you can see me practicing my "not all Muslims are bad" Thanksgiving talking points in the bg of a student film in Wash Sq Park.
What did Tiger Woods' dad tell him on his death bed? "Just concentrate on golf and fuck everything else"
The fact that I have to debate evolution with people means it doesn't work quite as well as I'd like it to.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they're an old soul you knew in a former life. But it's more likely a sociopath. ~Inspirational
What's worst than finding a worm in an apple? The holocaust
What kind of yoga do you do in a casket? Decom-pose.
If you like The Onion, take a look at The Ironic Times
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[Taken 26] Abductor: I have your great granddaughter LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
After a long day of having my laptop fry my genitals, it feels good to lie in a dark room and have my phone screen fry my eyeballs.
You know what they say about guys with big cocks.... They need a big coop and pen to keep them in.
How does a redneck mother know her daughter is on her period? Her son's dick tastes funny.
I made a new mixtape, it was trash Until I played it on my new galaxy note 7, then it was fire
You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks... Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.
I told my grandmother to act her age.... then she died.
If I owned a Chinese restaurant, I'd install dimmer lights in the bathroom. Should anyone dim the lights, I'd have a song play. When the Lights Go Down in the Shitty
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Cry if you missed someone. Try to shoot them again before they leave.
What do you call a home full of menstruating women? Bloody Hell.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like "Naw, I'll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!"
What did Rudolph the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you.
Maxim's Hot 100 List is bogus. Some of those girls look WAY younger than 100.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter. Mom's kind of a slut.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates! 5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then? I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
The length of your iPhone cord, plus one inch, is how far away the outlet is from the hotel bedside table.
Why did the orange juice fail his math exam? He wasn't concentrated.
Today and Tomorrow are in bed... Today is smoking a cigarette and looks over at Tomorrow who is sulking and says, "I'm sorry you never come."
What did Robin Williams suicide note say? "Sorry guys...I gotta go see about a girl."
Why did the man cross the street when he saw the chicken foot? Because he suspected fowl play was afoot!
Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire... on average.
I have two requirements in my will.... 1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World 2) I do not want to be cremated.
Why do Asian people never seem to age? I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.
All the kids at Sandyhook wanted books... But all they got was magazines.
How do you get a Jewish prostitute high? You stone 'er.
Want to hear the worst self-referential joke in the world? You just did!
"420 blaze it faggot" "grandma stop" "snapback" "stop trying to be hip grandma" "i have hip problems yolo swag drake"
I saw a tranny in a miniskirt the other day I thought, that shows a lot of balls
What is the difference between a garbanzo beans and a chickpea? I would never let a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Talking on your cell during church isn't good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you've got the spirit.
Variants for running. Variants for running:- 1. Hot girl in front of you. 2. Creepy guy behind you. (If 1 applies to you, you're probably 2)
Why did Michael Bay jump off a bridge? Cause Tony Scott did it first.
I wonder if stereotypically romantic Spanish characters...talk in pauses...because they learned...how to speak English...by watching...the subtitles...of romantic movies.
""No one ever" - everyone always" - a few people already damn
Q)What is the condition when a cat loses it eye-sight after being beaten? A)Cat-a-rekt!
Favorite cannibal movies: 3) Cannibal Holocaust 2) Cannibal Ferox 1) She's Having a Baby
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.
thought about a giraffe accidentally getting it's own long neck in a knot and i jus started cryin
Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters! This month, lunch is on me.
What do my boyfriend and the internet have in common [NSFW] They both go down during sexy times
What do you call a large group of people who spit on others? The Salivation Army.
What do chinese people do when they have an erection? they vote
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean...... Both crews were marooned
What kind of music do sponges listen to? Raggaeneration.
Isn't it so wierd when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear? Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Moses and Joshua found a class of water in the fridge... They decided to split it.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote  boyfriend, hhmmmm......
Whenever you see a sword swallower perform, it makes you wonder what sort of activities they used to do to make them  realize they had this talent.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Two greek anarchists are sitting together making molotov cocktails. One says "so, who are we going to throw these at?" the other replies: "what are you, a fucking intellectual?"
Do you like pudding? Bill Cosby like pudding his dick where it didn't belong.
My girl said for every upvote this gets I get one thrust for anal Please do not upvote, her strap-on looks really big.....
What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!
Why is no one friends with Dracula? Cause hes a pain in the neck.
smdh at dollhouses without stairs between the different floors. Hows that going to work, dumb-ass.
If you're happy and you know it, thank your ex.
"Darling, can I go out in this dress?" "Yes dear, it's already dark out." "Darling, can I go out in this dress?" "Yes dear, it's already dark out."
Did you hear the one about the church that burned down? Holy Smokes!
[image] ULTRA FUNNY MEME If assholes... If assholes could fly,this place would be an damn airport :D.
My friends tell me that cooking is easy but it's not easier than not cooking.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
Most people browse on Google or Bing... But I browse on fleek
Soup baby What do you call a dead Ukrainian baby. Aborschtion
Today I saw a 'missing dog' post on the entrance door of a ... ... chinese restaurant.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bean ! Bean who ? Bean working very hard today !
[giving grandmother's eulogy] But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Fun Fact: You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren't able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
Why was the drummer sad about his boring instruments? Because he had the doldrums.
One night stand I'm not happy about my girlfriends one night stand. I'd really like somewhere to put my phone and spare change when we go to bed.
doctors before an x-ray be like "dont worry this is perfectly safe" and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
My stages of drunk: 1) "Everybody, watch this!" 2) Prison
I wrote a Ricky Martin joke, but it was gay.
"I'm excited for the continental breakfast" *sees a buffet just full of ice cubes* "What the..." Sign: Today's Continent is Antartica
"You're the bomb!" "No, you're the bomb!" In America  a compliment. In the Middle East  an argument.
What do you call a surprise party in India? Arranged marriage p.s. I'm an Indian living in India.
I was in Ferguson last night and got jumped by 5 black guys! The car started right up, they just said it just needs a new battery. What nice gentlemen i thought to myself.
What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic parking lot? Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger.
A man showed up at the hospital with several toy horses in his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.
I'm busier than... a Catholic priest at a church lock in.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar.
It's not curiosity that killed the cat ... it was procatstination
Got a blowjob from a blind girl last night... ..or at least I think it was a blowjob, it was dark and my bionic cock doesn't feel shit.
Q:What did The Banana Say To the Vibrator? A:Why the fuck are you shaking, she's going to eat me!
Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook
I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm.
A condom isn't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
A roman walks into a bar... holds up two fingers and says "five beers please!"
A woman sends her logician husband to the shops. "Get me a loaf of bread," she said, "and if they have eggs, get me a dozen." The husband returns from the shop with twelve loaves of bread.
What's the difference...? What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Why didn't Hellen Keller learn to lip-read? The braille left her lips numb.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you've only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i've got a secret ME: [also whispering] is it tacos DATE: [giggles] no ME: can it be tacos
At 4am I'm pretty sure it's either too early or too late to start drinking. But if the vodka is in my cheerios, it's technically breakfast.
what do you call a fast ghost? spooky gonzales
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza can have pepperoni, Jews can't. Oh, and that other thing.
I noticed my waitress had a black eye so I ordered very clearly. Because obviously she doesn't get things right the first time.
What do French people say when they don't want to see someone ever again? Au nevoir.
[interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging
I see the baby's nose is running again" said a worried father. "For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"
Did you know it was women who coined the term, "Bromance"? Yeah, basically the concept of friendship is so foreign to them that they created a new word for it.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit making 'Airplane' refrences
Girls say all men are the same. Why they have so many problems choosing one then?!
Remember that scene in Die Hard qhen the hero squeezes the magazine's boobs? Now he can really die hard.
Why did the Baker keep going to the ATM? He kneaded the dough
Little could our great-grandparents have imagined how many dicks and tits we'd all see in our lifetimes.
This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I'm pretending to add it to my contacts
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals  Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The man who invented chicken nuggets was struggling to make hens' meat
A farmer asks a physicist for a system to collect chicken eggs The physicist thinks for a while and says: -I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens and in vacuum.
I got into fight with my erection this morning. Don't worry, I beat it single handedly.
Word of the day Exhaustipated...........Just too tired to give a sh!t
Dating is like a See-saw Not very fun when one of you is fat.
What is the best animal related joke you know? These jokes should be any jokes that are even vaguely related to animals!
Every time someone comments on my wrinkly clothes I just tell them that I have an iron deficiency. Yep. I do that.
PLEASE NOTE...The charity event tonight for men that can not ejaculate as been cancelled. . There's just not enough people coming
I just had my statistics exam Needless to say that I had some mean questions.
How many midgets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I'd be surprised if you could fit two in there
Say no to drugs they might lower the price
A car was blown off an overpass during a recent storm. 255 People were arrested.
 Look, it's an octopi
Him: Where'd you get that black eye? Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...
What would happen if Donald Trump was about to be assassinated? Secret Service would shout "Donald, Duck!"
Moths must love dying because they get to go towards the light. Ughh I just anthropomorphised moths with unverified human ideas about death.
Bob: Who is that? Me:That's Ted, he's the opposite of a hypochondriac.. Ted's arm falls off Ted: Hey guys! Bob: Holy shit! Ted: What, I'm ok
"Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?"
Why did the sick bird get deported? He was an ill eagle.
What's Hitler's favourite sausage? Frankfuhrers.
I've decided to sell my hoover... well, well, it was just collecting dust.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I'm totally using that at work tomorrow.
A mechanical engineers wife comes out of delivery. She texts him She texts him : "your new vehicle has been launched". He replies : " is it with gear stick or automatic?"
My approach to women is the same as my approach to code Object Oriented
What do you call a wolf that is cautious? An aware wolf.
waiter: "what drink would you like" me: " l   " waiter: me: waiter: me: waiter: me: waiter: "is pepsi okay"
What's the difference between a religion and a cult? Their tax exemption status.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I'm too excited to wait at home so I'm camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response
I'd be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy 4y/o: But we're family! Me: Families don't watch each other go poop 4:You watch me poop! Me:...take a seat
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth
So I've heard the AFL player Chris Judd gets women pretty wet... But I reckon Adam Goodes gets them Damper.
Sucks how every girl I'm interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
What doesn't kill you was only practicing.
Real men don't need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
What does a witch take when she can't poop? Hexlax^TM
Did you hear Monica Lewinsky became a republican? The democrats just left a bad taste in her mouth
A couple was having sex in the front seat of the car. They were very horny!
When you f**k up a coded message and have to send it again Re morse
Why are homosexuals always happy? Cause they're gay (happy).
I spent 10 minutes comparing minivans with another dad in case you wondered what it's like to be dead inside.
Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans The dog comes in to show emotional support ... followed by the cat, who came to judge.
College didnt do any good for me, brought about no change in life. I came out of it as I went in......A Virgin
When people are kissing in public, it's weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
What's the hardest part about eating a brownie? Having to face her parents at the sentencing.
Who brings the Christmas presents to  police stations? Santa Clues.
Who's Becky, Stan? She's just a country!
My ex-wife was deaf. she left me for a deaf friend of hers i should have seen the signs.
What's squawky, worn out, and falls from foot easily? An old shoe... ...and Ronda Rousey
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One; changing a light bulb is a fairly simple task which usually doesn't require assistance.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
A verb tried to pick up a noun at the club... He wanted to conjugate, but she had to decline. Probably all for the best. She was right up against her period.
Why are pills white? Because they work
Once in a lifetime holiday "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." -Tim Vine
What do you call a zombie eating a dog? Asian zombie
I won a contest to go trick or treating with Arnold Schwarzenegger this year. Wad thinking of going as Beethoven. He'll be Bach.
Dentists are going on strike. Brace yourselves.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? ...
George R.R. Martin finished Winds of Winter!
My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning She asked me how to get her hand out quickly. I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."
What do you call it when flu season comes early? Premature inoculation.
Only 4 days left to use this joke I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in 5 years time. I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
"ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS" I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
"Please don't do this." - my voice mail greeting
My wife went to the East Indies for her holidays. Jakarta? No, she went by plane.
What do you get if you cross a duck with an avocado? Quackamole
You know what they say in the tire industry? Have a good year!
I would tell you an Ebola joke... But you probably won't get it
So today I met a guy who went to high school with OJ Simpson. I asked him what OJ was like back then. He was quite the lady-killer apparently
How do you get fifty old women to say f**k? Shout "Bingo!"
Have you heard the joke about the deaf guy? He hasn't.
Wanna find out how I made my dick 12 inches? I folded it in half.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
(Shaq wakes up, steps in front of the green screen in his bedroom, knocks out 20-30 commercials, begins his day.)
There's a new magazine for gay military members.It's mainly just photos of Privates.
For every dollar a man makes.... For every dollar a man makes, a women makes 70 cents. Thats not right Thats not fair The mans only left with 30! -Bo Burnham
What do you get when you take an HIV medication and raise the price 5,000%? Rich AND famous, apparently
Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today By the time I got out from under there I was in a right mood!
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet can become president.
Since I'm wearing a white top, I'm going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex.
What did the mother ghost say to the naughty  baby ghost? Spook when you're spooken to.
How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?
You know how I feel when I had sex with a rather large girl before she became extremely attractive? It's okay, because I fucked her before it was cool. *Throws on hipster glasses*
Why does noddy have bell on his hat? Because he is a cunt.
"And on the seventh day God rested"... because even omnipotent beings need rest too, ya know.
What is the most famous shark? William Sharkspeare!
Says if you're happy and you know it drop your pants!!
Wife: "Too bad my tits aren't keyboards, maybe they'd get some attention!" Me: "Your tits are fine, its your bitch personality"
Traffic Two civil engineers were competing for a bid to do the road layout for a city. The engineer that lost accused the other of cheating, to which the winner said "Roundabouts are fair play".
A man overdosed on Viagra... ...His wife took it hard.
Why did Vader deceive everyone about his love affair with the Emperor? Because he was in Sidious.
Why are Jews so bad at baseball? They always get out on the third reich
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they're gonna die and I can save them.
Does anyone want to buy a used Theremin? I haven't touched mine in years.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken] sexywombat69 [username taken] sexyplatypus69 [username taken] sorry this might take a while...
There are 10 kinds of people in this world... Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Whiteboards are truly remarkable.
I went to the zoo the other day.. I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one animal... It was a Shit-zoo
If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?
I just bought a new boomerang How do I get rid of the old one ?
Can electrocution get someone jail time? I'm not sure, but they'd definitely be charged
At my trial the judge asked me how i justified using force to get women to sleep with me... Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse
What's a Russian's favorite food? Vladimir Poutine
Interviewer: What drives you? Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning? M: missing the bus
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my bitch"
Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens? She didn't want to litter.
I hate people who leave jokes hanging. Its like a
Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? a pickpocket snatches watches
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? We need to get some support, before people think we're nuts!
What do you call a doe that swerves all over the road? A rackless driver...
Never yell about your hatred towards black eyes at a NAACP convention.
My doctor diagnosed me as a delusional. Edit: Thanks for my first ever Reddit gold, stranger!
My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal." Now he's behind bars.
What do you call an intelligent man in  America? A tourist.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I'm eating hummus with people I don't even like.
You're in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do- "Bread guy"
What do you call a Muslim who is also a pilot? Greg if you're a friend, Gregory if you were introduced, Mr. Abdalla if you're doing business with one another.
My thai-girlfriend told me it's ok to have a small penis I would still prefer that she had a vagina. EDIT: Grammar thx to /u/Jarabar
"The N stands for number  so no need to say 'PIN number'. "Terribly sorry, I'll start again: 'You're dead if you don't give me your PIN'.
Tomb = Toom Womb = Woom Bomb = Boom
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I remember my first sexual encounter. It was really a frightening experience. I was all by myself!
Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.
Marriage tip: When times get tough, never tell a woman she needs to "sacrifice." Women do not like this term. Always say "prioritize."
*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket "Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this thing?"
The first thing I'm doing with my time machine is telling my past self to only microwave popcorn for 2 minutes max.
Selling a dead bird Not going cheep
Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple
What do you call a man who has lost the lower parts of his legs, but still somehow has his feet? Tony.
Why couldn't the Lesbian Jew hook up during passover? She had a yeast infection
My friend is not a member of an organized political party He's a Democrat.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Where can you go on Reddit to ask questions? Not /r/movies.
I felt like I was just a statistic, so I went to see a psychologist... She diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder. Now I feel like a distribution.
A son says to his father... A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?" The father replies "No son, you're autistic."
I quietly left my job as a set designer... I didn't want to make a scene.
I realised I've got a road rage problem when my five-year-old daughter shouted... ..."Pick a fucking lane,you dickhead!" While sitting in my grocery trolley.
My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Rastafarian Barbie ...she has dreadlocks and ganja mon!
What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler? Lance could finish a race
What's worse than getting pissed off? Getting pissed on.
I don't like snakes, but "Diarrhea on a Plane" would be a lot scarier.
i've grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
How many Ferguson police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None... they just shoot the room for being black.
My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mimes.... They performed unspeakable acts on her.
What did 0 say to 1? You're turning me on!
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies
What do you call it when a bunch of deer have an intervention for one of their friends? Change for a buck.
What did Jared say when the girl asked him for a footlong? That he only has a 6 inch.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they stink
I'm going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!
Why was little Billy so sad when his friends played on the swingset? He had no arms. Sorry that joke was stupid, let me try again. Knock Knock "Whose there?" Not Billy
My girlfriend asked me if I had a secret pet name for her. Judging by the look on her face, 'sperm whale' was not an appropriate answer.
Police officers are really sore losers when you race them
So funny I forgot to laugh. Me: *tells bad joke* Buddy: That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Me: So is that what Alzheimer's is like? Buddy: That's so funny I forgot to laugh!
knock knock ...... come in...
I remember the first time I had sex... I still have the receipt :')
The secret service found a dildo in the Oval Office Signing off on another executive order.
Hypochondria? I think I have that!
With the exchange rate, Canadians only have 120 characters on Twitter. So we have less room to be clever than Ameri
Did you hear about the white guy who got pulled over? Me neither.
I'll run on the treadmill, I'll do the elliptical, I will even take a zumba class... But yoga is a stretch for me.
Why did the pig go to the casino ? To play the slop machine !
Remember when Taco Bell's slogan was "run for the border"? Doesn't that seem really racist now... that would be like KFC's slogan being "go back to Africa"
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore  throat? An aardvark with the sniffles!
The other day I saw a short man carrying an LED tv and I asked " hey do you help carrying that tv?" And he replied all pissed off "Fuck off dude, this is my tablet"
Is it "lying in a puddle of blood" or "laying in a puddle of blood?" Lol who knows, but yeah seriously, send an ambulance right away.
I want anarchy Because my keyboard is missing one.
"Gotham deserves a relaxed hero that smells of lavender." - Bathman
My girlfriend said to me... "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..." Turns out she meant together.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls til she died
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
My problem with profanity is that..... It's mother fucking dusgusting
I like my women like I like my coffee Cold dark and bitter.
I like my woman like i like my coffee... Hot, wet, and all over my crotch
I'm tired of Seeing Cocks On The Web Said The Spider at The Nudist Camp.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame that they'll never meet...
I hit a kid with my car last night Then I realized it was only a goat.
Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
I can't decide what's scarier, someone scrolling through the pictures on my iPhone or someone scrolling through my Google search history.
It makes me sad when people tell me they married their best friend, mostly because marriage between a woman and Vodka will never be legal.
A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out "What do you think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she replies.
[walking on beach] [find bottle with message in it] Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING? [another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Im not sexist... Because thats wrong and being wrong is for women
*goes to pond* *duck hands me $100* "Give me the hard stuff." *hands over bag of croutons*
A mushroom goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
What do you call a bra? A boobie trap. Thanks 3rd grade nephew.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
What do you call two fake number fours next to each other? Fauxty faux
They say money doesn't grow on trees But my cousin planted a few bushes with a funny smell in his wardrobe and is now making 4k a week
Why does Piglet smell? Because he plays with Pooh.
Why does the ocean roar? You would too if you had crabs on your bottom and oysters in your bed.
My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.
Communism jokes aren't funny Unless everyone gets them
*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge* "Ok, NOW will you go out with me?"
[at Victoria's Secret] *folding panties on table* "Sir, where are the fitting rooms?" Oh, I don't work here. *continues folding panties*
If Isaac Newton discovered gravity Why isn't he in the credits? (Crossposted from /r/shittyaskscience)
What's the difference between my ex and the Titanic? The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." *poof* ...He disappears without a tres!
The word for today is legs Go out and spread the word!
Three Roads To Ruin There are three roads to Ruin - Women, Gambling and Consultants. Women are the nicest, Gambling is the quickest but Consultants are the surest!
What did the ship say to the sexy ice-berg? I'd hit that.
People always say don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry. But I haven't eaten for a week and I'm getting really, really hungry.
Why is a toothless dog like a tree? It has more bark than bite.
Scientists have finally proved that Friday the 13th IS unlucky Trump is still alive
What's the difference between a joke on Reddit and a joke on 9Gag? One was posted yesterday and the other's already been posted.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
A man runs into a hospital yelling "Im having a stroke!" The nurse replies, "I know sir, but can you please put your penis back in your pants?!?"
Where do minions shop? Banana Republic
What did Ben Franklin call his pee hole? Urethra Franklin.
Wow, where did you learn to be so good at sex?! I was home schooled
my gang colors are taupe and beige
[about to go in for emergency surgery] ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
[Game of Thrones] How do Littlefinger's prostitutes get in &amp; out of the brothel? Hodor.
Grandma's Moustache It's a well known fact that Cum helps hair growth, this explains hair on men's knuckles but this doesn't explain Grandmas moustache
What's the difference between a praying nun and a girl taking a bath? One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole
a psychic midget escaped from jail Yes, we have a small medium at large
My coworker told me he didn't want to buy girl scout cookies because he didn't want to get diabetes. I told him not to worry. Diabetes isn't a sexually transmitted disease.
What do you have if you don't have a Kia? A Nokia.
Why do people with OCD like Family Feud? Because it's always black and white.
You know what's great about jewish tires? They don't just turn on a dime, they pick it up too
I had a window smash and impale me in the buttocks today... It was a pane in the ass.
What should you do if you come across a tiger while in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
What do you call a chinese duo that plays ping pong? Ping Pong
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise. The librarian says, "Sure, what Volume would you like?"
What did the SJW do for Halloween? Went trigger-treating.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween... best hate sex we ever had.
Time for a police based knock knock joke. PEW PEW PEW it's the police, OPEN THE DOOR!
I had a vasectomy today, and my wife keeps asking how I feel... I've had to tell her over and over that it's not that bad, and that I don't notice much of a vas deferens.
Q: How many believable competent "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It's going to be a dark 4 years isn't it?
why can't two physicians be near each other? Because it's a paradox!
What do you call a Mexican in Canada? ACCOMPLISHED. They crossed two borders!
I always wanted to know what it felt like to blow $85k So today I stood in front of Annex Hall and asked the first art major I saw.
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? Napoleon Bunnyparte!
"The car that was driving slow in front of me turned, I better drive fast now so the cars behind me don't think It was my fault." Everyone
Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas? Because they weren't getting a square meal.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don't touch me.
How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? One, or two? One, or two?
Why do dwarfs laugh will running ? Because the grass tickles their balls !!
A man addicted to eating urinal cakes was arrested for robbing his disabled mom in an elevator. That's wrong on so many levels.
[making small talk at a party] Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that's why poor people look like shit?"
A sober Irishman arrives goes home after work... That's it.
So a baby seal walks into a club ........ ^^^that's ^^^it.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I was talking to the anorexic cannibal.. I told him self-indulgence isn't the answer and he needs to face his problems. He threw up his arms and walked away.
I could tell you a joke about sadomasochism, necrophilia and bestiality... But it'd just be beating a dead horse.
*puts baby powder in a crib* *adds water*
Being a FEMALE is a matter of BIRTH, being a WOMAN is a matter of AGE, but being a LADY is a matter of CHOICE...
I'll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it's a phoenix
Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ? Pupil: Hot water !
I bought crappy music for 5 cents today, but the guy ripped me off. As he ran off, I yelled "Hey, I want my nickel back!"
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
If you have 10 apples and Michael takes 6. What colour is Michael?
Blond joke Why was the blond happy she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months? It said 2 to 4 years on the box.
How does every Romanian recipe start? 1. Steal a chicken. From an old family friend.
Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who  sat on a bee? It's a tender tail!
What has four legs and is made out of wood? A horse.
"God hates fogs" - homophobic clouds
You know what I like about high school girls? I will be back, rec time is over.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream cone? He got hit by a bus!
LPT: A quick way to find out if you're allergic to nuts Eat nuts.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My friend got fired from his job selling industrial vacuum cleaners. It's cool though he said it sucked.
i'm so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
My two year-old has begun shouting "The end!" in a sing-song voice when he wants you to stop talking to him. Going to try this myself.
What do you call a pig that can't be seen? Hamouflage
No, I do not have food in my teeth; haven't you ever heard of tooth freckles? Now go away & leave me that toothpick. Jerk.
What do you do if an elephant comes through your front door? Swim towards a window
Don't be racist. Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun. * scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.
I always ask my dad for help Whenever I ask my dad for help with something, he always tells me that I'm a faggot and how should already have a job. I only 30 years old dad, there are child labor laws.
Add wife, have life If you marry one woman, She will fight with you. But, if you marry 2 women, They will fight for you. Think different. Add wife, have life
[waiting with friend for his test results] "I'm nervous" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
What do you call a 5 year old's knees? Kidneys! Ha! I'll be here all week folks.
who many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? two. one to screw in the bulb and and to hold the cock, LADDER!
I'm a very old fashioned kind of guy (i'll kill you and steal your spices)
"I should probably start filling this thing out." -I say about my son's baby memory book on his wedding day.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need. Don't concern yourself with how I got in your house.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
I named my dog Herpes... If she's good, she'll heel. (Stolen from Priscilla)
Hamburglar search history:  sentence for stealing burgers  do inmates get burgers  what is prison "beef"  countries that don't extradite
Which number confuses people? 82
[funeral] Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring? *sliding it off his finger* Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe...
Me: come here often? Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
"How'd the date go?" Not good. Too many red flags. *Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags* I think she might be a communist.
A Buddhist Monk goes into a pizza place... and says "Make me one with everything"......
I asked my doctor where to put my pants during my prostate exam. "Over there next to mine" was not the answer I expected.
Why should you never laugh at thieves in a car-accident? It could be your car
Time flies when you wake up at noon.
so sick of people who aren't Beyonce
what do you get when you cross a rabbit and an ant? Bugs Bunny.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I like to make a sandwich with just cucumbers and pickles... I call it the Before and After
Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? Neither. The rooster did.
If you're gonna by me a drink..... You better at least push my stool in!
How do you capture a polar bear? Cut a big fishing hole in the ice. Wait for the polar bear to bend over the hole to fish. Then run up behind the polar bear and **kick it in the icehole!**
"Hey, let's share a bottle of wine and try out the shriek-laugh we've been rehearsing." -The women next to everyone everywhere.
Polynesian Hey, ever heard of the homesick, nymphomaniac Polynesian girl? Yeah, she kept longing for Samoa....
A girl went to the village shaman She asked him "I saw a dog in my dream and he was licking my foot. What does it means?" The shaman replied "It means that your other half will come soon"
"I broke my arm!" Said Napoleon Bone apart
What's the pirate movie rated? PG-13!
I'm Starting a Fundraiser to Help Restore Sight to Seniors with Degenerative Eye Problems. Please Upvote for visibility.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Is your ass a computer? Because I want to back it up to a 3 inch floppy.
"I made six figures last year." - Extremely lazy G.I. Joe employee.
"Jess is coming over" "Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-" *Gets stabbed to death* "Yes"
What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker? A rooster will say cock a doodle do! But a hooker will say any cock will do!
Give a man a match... [inspirational quote] Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for an hour... Light a man of fire, well, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A chicken, a hawk and a duck walk into a lawn... SuperDuck
*dog runs for president* *dog sits for president* *dog rolls over fo
What kind of dog did the sad cantaloupe get? A melon collie!
What did the polite homosexual man say to another at the bar? Mind if I push your stool in for you?
Confidence? Oh yeah I've heard of that. It comes in a bottle and you have to be 21 to buy it.
There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting this joke to be in base 3
How did the scuba-diver pay for his drinks? With Barnacles (bar nickels)
Einstein married his cousin Esla Even his marriage was relative.
How does a religious extremist convert an atheist into a holy man? They use a machine gun.
"Your resume lists the skills 'poor timing' & 'awkward'?" Can I have a raise? "We haven't hired you." Oh. You're very handsome. "I see."
Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it
You know Donald Trump isnt that bad When he pays $25 ~~for~~ to every Juan ~~on floor~~ .
What do a good joke and a child with cancer have in common? They never get old.
We had gay burglars in our house last night... They broke in and rearranged all of our furniture.
What's the hardest thing about scout camp? No, not your scout master's dick, but choosing what to wear in his tent.
sperm is like olives you need to learn to eat it
Jared Fogle likes his women how he likes his subs 6 and 12 (I know it's an old one)
*installs google translate* *looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal* *finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Two friends are having a game night One friend is a serial killer and the other is a generic man. The man says he sucks at the game. The serial killer says 'that's why it's called the game of Life.'
Trump is in good company, coining words just like Shakespeare. The two even share their feelings about foreigners. I mean Shakespeare *coined* the word chink.
What goes red and white, red and white, red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there's no wifi
Marital problems "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, "I'll cut you."
one of the tvs at this bar is showing hockey and the other is showing an infomercial for a blender and more people are watching the blender
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
How many cops do you need to change a light bulb? None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.
First rule of Water Boarding Club: 1. You will talk
Lance Armstrong never had the balls to admit that he cheated.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Why did Verizon's mailman get fired? He was losing packets.
Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday? Me: Do you like clothes? Daughter: Not really Me: Shut up
[Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"
Why are black people so good at basketball? Because they have great hangtime.
How do you comfort a grammar Nazi? they're, their, there
Why don't Canadians wear tank tops? They don't have the right to bare arms
I know she's talking about rain but I don't like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
What's an ig? A snow house with no dumper. ^I'm ^so ^sorry. ^Deleting ^my ^account.
I hope all goes well with Princess Kate's baby delivery.., ...but I think it might turn out to be a royal pain in the ass.
What's a bulimiac's favourite porno? Deep throat
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
What's the difference between Mike Tyson and the iPhone 4s? There are no *unboxing* videos of Mike Tyson.
What would you do if someone is choking? Take a step back.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby EDIT: Holy shit my first front page! Also RIP inbox
Knock Knock Who's there? To To who? To *whom.*
What does the Dalai Lama order from the pizza shop? One with everything
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we--OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]
Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in the middle east? Because there's a Target on every corner
Ben Affleck being Batman won't ruin Batman v. Superman. (It'll be Zack Synder's fault.)
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I'm walking in the wrong direction*
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
What do you call... What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff
My pharmacist thinks I'm a pedophile. He keeps putting labels on my pills telling me to keep away from children.
I'm great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
What do you call a person who you had a one night stand with on Mars? A solmate
I fucking hate the Kool-Aid man that guy has such a punchable face
"Look man, I swear to you, as god as my witness..." [God appears from behind dumpster] "I ain't coverin for u anymore Larry, you owe me $30"
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
Better "copulate" than "copunever."
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee *before* it was cool. :-)
I have sexdaily *dyslexia
They say there's a lot of fish in the sea but I can't hold my breath long enough to have sex with them.
What's an otakus favourite dessert? Senpie.
Kim Jong Un "When I said nuke the Chinese, I meant microwave the takeout from yesterday!"
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
A sociopath walks into a bar The bartender asks, "What do you feel like having?" "Nothing."
Why don't spies meet at bars. The beer is tapped. (Please develop this joke. I made it up last night whilst drinking, but nobody laughed.)
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapus
How can you tell a cow isn't listening to you? Everything you say goes in one ear and out the udder!
What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
Where do birds invest their money ? In the stork market !
I'm not saying pregnant woman aren't attractive I'm just saying, It'd feel weird giving some random unborn child dimples.
Let me tell you a joke... Feminism.
A family in the Netherlands claims to be the biggest group of Oasis fans in the world.. They call themselves the van der Walls.
London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.
How can you tell if your horse is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
Single people think marriage is just a word ... Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.
Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Why is the Old Testament down on gays? Because the Phyllistines were always making war on the Israelites.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
What satellite TV provider does ISIS use? Daesh Network
Sledding with dad "Dad, I will never ever go sledding with you again!" "Shut up and keep pulling, son."
My Favorite Joke as a Kid. "What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?" The Taste!
What kind of tree likes a high five? A palm tree
A man went to a meeting for premature ejaculators but when he arrived there was no one there, he'd come too early.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
Why should you not throw stones at a knight? Because heavy metal is harder than rock.
I got in a fight with Dwayne Johnson. As I threw the first punch, he turned around on the spot. And that, that is when I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
There are two types of people in this world. Those that need closure...
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
And if I die before I wake I pray a virus my phone to take.
Whats the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman? You get pussy and head at the same time.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
I don't date because I have a very particular type Girls that like me
I recently rewatched The Lion King and just noticed how many metaphors there were... I guess you can say there was a whole lot of *Simba*-lism.
A bee was buzzing around my head and I was all "It's not worth it, bro" and he was all "Fuck you, let's dance." Stung me and he's dead.
KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
How does Bruce Wayne's mom call Bruce in for dinner... She can't she's dead
What starts and ends with a 'v' and is only one letter? 'w'
Looked at my pores in a 10x magnifying mirror and immediately cancelled my plans for the month.
The Classiest Knock Knock Joke in existance Knock Knock who's there? the the who? YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
We get it poets: things are like other things
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs? A furrycanine
Maybe she's born with zits, maybe it's methamphetamine
How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They don't believe in a higher power.
When an ape visits his tailor what kind of a  suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!
Advent Calendars Their days are numbered.
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online"
Yo momma so fat, ...she can't even be emotionally carried away.
My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have.
Might be a racist What has 4 legs and a trunk? The 2 nigerians that stole my trunk
Went to a Hong Kong style buffet But it was in *Canteen*ese!
"Chivalry isn't dead," I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.
My church's priest said today, "You know, sodomy is frowned upon by the church" "So you better not tell your fucking parents".
Why men shop at Costco? Because it's a hoe sale.
Why do they call them "roach clips"? Because "pot holder" was already taken.
How do you know your wife's dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.. She was right. The very premise is absurd.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Maybe ask the judge if your sentence is in dog years or regular years and they'll prob just laugh and let you go you got tweets to write man
Women - What is the similarity between women and garbagebags? - You fill them up and toss them out the door!
whats another name for a cemetary? a chinese resturant
[in car] Wife: Dont tell ur arm story Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe *at party* AND THAT'S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her  follows you behind.
Say something I'm giving up on.... Jews
Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.
I'm into perpendicular lines. I'm a bisectual
So Mickey Mouse is in a lawyer's office. The lawyer says "So you say you want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?". Micky Mouse replies "No, I said she's fucking Goofy!"
You drive a truck your whole life... and no one calls you a trucker; You suck one cock and all of a sudden you're a cocksucker!
My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend... I said "There's plenty of fish in the sea." and he replied "Yeah, but it's not just the smell I miss."
oooh dey so big !!! Q. did you hear what they said about the girl with big titties when she tried on a 34B bra ? A. She makes B-cups look like teacups.
Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario. "It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I'm sure it's nothing."
If you asked everyone in the world whether they preferred bunnies or rats The results would be a little lop-sided.
A man with goat legs and horns walks into a bar... It's only Satyr
Lorena Bobbit has died in a tragic car accident. Some dick cut her off.
[NSFW] What's the difference between a woman and a Fridge? A Fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
You dug the hole you're in... now stop whining and start climbing.
If I ever run into my doppelganger I'm going to steal his liver.
My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he threw me off the roof. A joke my mate told me after an after-hours lesson.
"Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." -Rorschach taking a Rorschach test
[24hr news channel] news just in.. *director repeats himself into headset* news justin *justin just sits there* READ THE NEWS JUSTIN
What was Hitlers favorite letter? Well I can tell you its Not C... and Not Z for sure __________ Just thought of this lol (the not C part) /u/PM_ME_2_SEE_MY_DICK .... thought of not z...
Have you heard about the man born with five cocks? His pants fit him like a glove.
Actually, conservation of angular momentum makes the world go 'round.
Not impressed with the speed of the internet back in my day, I could open my bedroom window in the fall and get Chile.
What's the worst thing about a lung transplant? Coughing up someone else's phlegm
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Describe your last relationship with a movie title: 12 Years A Slave
What do you call a bullying competition? A jerk-off
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre
MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL
What do fat girls and scooters have in common? They're both fun to ride.....until your friends see you.
In honor of women's day I would like to honestly say that...." Life with out you ladies would literally be a pain in the  ass"
The seven dwarves are sitting in the bathtub, feeling happy... ...so, Happy gets out.
What do you call a midget Mexican? A little Juan.
I had a thought the other day Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
Why aren't there any Mexican swimmers in the Olympics? Because they're all in the US
Never trust an atom They make up stuff.
What's the difference between feminists and Nazis? The Nazis had a purpose
a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake
"I want frog legs." -Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
A Priest, a Homosexual, and a Pedophile walk into a bar... And he orders a beer.
---. I regret that Remorse code
How do you make a kleenex dance? You put a little Boogie in it!
What do you call a little pepper in Spanish? A jalapequeno
I would say ex-wives suck, but if they did, they might still be married.
Boss: You need supervision. Me: *squints really, really hard*
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven* "YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON'T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES"
What do you call an alligator in a vest? an investigator.
What did the necropheliac say to her boyfriend? Did rigor mortis just set in, or are you just happy to see me? Edit: I'm an idiot
What did the first lesbian vampire say to the second lesbian vampire? See you next month.
Feminism Nothing else. That's the joke.
Knock knock. Who's there? Budweiser. Budweiser who? Budweiser your mother naked?
How is Billy Cosby like Santa Claus? They both come when you are sleeping
If your girlfriend says "my pyramid is late..." Know two things: 1. Your hearing is poor 2. That's not your biggest problem right now
what do you call people waiting in line for the new iPhone iQ(ueue) made this up just now
What's the difference between shaving a red head's pubes and diffusing a bomb? When you diffuse a bomb, you only have to cut one red wire.
If the rapper Biz Markie had a female dog, he could name her... ...Miz Barkie I'll stop
I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college.
Why do they call a wolf a wolf? Because it goes wolf!
What do u call an anorexic women with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.
What do beekeepers say when they go to work? "Alright, let's get down to beeswax!"
Snoring comes easily to me. In fact, I can do it in my sleep.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don't think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Hate it when dudes say "leave something to the imagination!" like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Jedi Joke Padawan: Master, when I will become a Jedi, will I be allowed to use e-mail? Jedi Master: Of-course my child, only without attachments!
Your so dense, light must bend around you.
If you go to the zoo and he doesn't help you steal a monkey, he's not that into you.
Who are the world's fastest readers? (NSFW) 9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 8 seconds.
Two deer are leaving a gay bar... and one say to the other in disappointment "man, I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there"
Dropped a Q-tip, but I caught it before it hit the ground. The ninja behind me said, "Whoa." Then we high-fived.
Why are atheists poor? because its a non-prophet organisation.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe, dummy!"
Bought some shoes from a drug dealer... Not sure what he laced them with, but I have been trippen' all day.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes "It's Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too."
How can you tell my parents are abusive? Beats me
Have you seen the last BATMAN vs. WOLVERINE movie ?? It was very prestigious !!! ok, I tried..
A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden... But he didn't have root access.
Why did you drive the lawn mower over your Easter basket? I thought the plastic grass was growing too high!
How can you tell when a Jew is pissed? They begin menschstrating
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.
What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody ever eats parsley.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight. That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
What has four legs and see just as well from  either end? A horse with his eyes closed!
Subway: When you pay to eat fresh Just like Jared
What do you call a guy that steals burgers? A hamburglar!
Teacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Well up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"
What do you call a socialite stripper? a peeler of the community!
You're lifting weights dude, you're not in labor. Settle down.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I like my women how I like my coffee without another man's penis in it.
Why did the kittens turn atheist? Coz their eyes opened.
Working with underprivileged children is really rewarding because I get to tell people about it.
What do you call a cross between... a Mafia Don and post-modernism? An offer you can't understand.
What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
How many sea men can fit in a circle 2 rads
Someone asked a ship captain if the rumor that he can't swim is true. "Yes," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
People treat me like a god... They don't talk to me unless they want something.
What do you call a director of an anti-vampire organization? A stakeholder.
What do you call a pessimistic horse? A Neigh-Sayer
How do you call a car enthusiast who's interested in bikes? Bike-curious
I never argue, I just explain why I'm right.
What fruits do vampires eat? Blood oranges.
What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his viagra? "The erection is rigged!"
Blowjobs are like paying your taxes. If you don't do it, you are going to be fucked.
I felt shit today My finger ripped through the toilet paper
Who's faster than Christopher Walken? Christopher Runnen Who's slower? Christopher Crawlen
I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks." I thought, "No shit..."
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids! MAGENTO: I think you've got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood.
"Ride or die" seems a bit dramatic. I'm looking for a "ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren't working out."
I spilled some coffee. My wife called it grounds for divorce.
[board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "No."
What did Bose say to Einstein about the weather? It's 0K
What do you call the process of becoming an honorary Asian? Orientation.
Did you hear about the black comedian? He stole the show.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
What is the most confusing holiday in Detroit? Labor Day.
Jesus: Behold my powers. *walks onto water and falls in* [back in heaven] God: HAHAHAHAHA Angel: HAHAHAHA "behold my powers" God: HAHAHAHA
Q: How did the hot dog vendor tackle his job? A: With relish.
Hey girl, you know why they call me "Toilet Paper?" Because I'm so Charmin.
Frozen Window Wife texts her husband "Windows Frozen, what do I do?" Husband texts back "pour some lukewarm water over it" Wife replies "Gee, thanks. Now computer is totally fucked"
Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I'm about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding] "You missed work bc you said you were sick...& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING" *fist bump*
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding. He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Don't tell me you love weddings, you love open bars.
What does a Chinese bear fry eggs in? A pan, duh!
Do you like tapes and CDs? (Only open if yes) (or not I don't Carr) Yea? Tape this dick to your forehead so you can CDs nuts
A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar... ... but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative  Bill Bailey.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim? Girl ant: Can't, I'm not boy ant.
PRETZELS Two pretzels were walking down the street, and one was a salted.
what's the best part about electing Hillary Clinton? Being able to pay her 33% less
What do you call 1000 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge
Me: bless me father for I have sinned. Priest: how long since your last confession my son? Me: about 45 minutes ago...
I named my penis "Secret" Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a  beer.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.
Where does a woodsman keep his pigs? In his hog cabin!
if you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "in jesus name amen"
What is a guy who hangs out with musicians called? A singer
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, & nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Hey do you like bowpha? Bowpha deez nutts
Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
How do you spell "sawss" as in "spaghetti sawss" ?
Everyone calls me Al Capone Because
The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
What do you call a tick on the moon? A lunatic.
Why are gay people bad liars? They can't keep a straight face
There are 10 kinds of people in this world those who can count in binary and those who can't.
Straight people... are fucking pussies.
I'm going to use a bomb to break into Fort Knox. EDIT: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
How do you get rid of a fat ghost? Exorcise it.
Why do girls NOT like Jesus? NSFW Because every time he gets nailed it takes him 3 days to get it back up again.
How many metal drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one, but it takes 32 lightbulbs.
I don't throw people under the bus because there's a chance they could lay flat in the center and not get hurt, which I'm not okay with.
I have a degree in Female's Studies.
A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.
I know it shouldn't it make me feel bad about myself, but why didn't a priest ever try to molest ME?
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? (gotta love the classics) You can unscrew a light bulb
Charlotte's Web is a horrible lie. If you hear a spider talking, let someone know bc you either have a concussion or that spider is a demon.
"Another mans thrash is another mans treasure" Apparently this is not a good way for saying you are adopted to your kid
What do you call a mound of dirt that is uneducated? A Hillbilly
Q: Why don't you wear snow boots? A: Because they'll melt.
What did the fat prostitute say to the skinny prostitute? "We really should have made better life choices."
How do you make a rabbit fast? Don't feed it.
How do you get 50 Pikachus on a bus? Poke 'em on.
He has the grocery Liszt What did the musician say to his wife when he went out to the supermarket? I'm going Chopin, I'll be Bach in a minuet.
10 years ago today, Canada received its first indoor toilet.
Whats the difference between Jesus and Mexicans? Jesus doesn't have Mexicans tattooed all over him.
I bet Nutritionist-Dieticians instagram the food pyramid a lot
I asked my friend if you could meet anyone living or dead, who would you choose? He said, "Donald Trump, dead."
Cop wives... Fuck the police.
How Would You Describe the A.I. for a Robotic Dog? A bitch to program.
What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"? She probably gets royalties
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the other  hurricane? A: I have my eye on you.
A boy sat on a train chewing gum and  staring vacantly into space when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said 'It's no good you talking to me young man I'm stone deaf !'
What do you get when you mix an Obama campaign slogan with Fifty Shades of Grey? Rope and chains.
How do you call a hearing-impaired duck? **HEY DUCK!!!!!**
Que es eso? *takes a bite* Queso!
If fake tans make you look more attractive then logically so will rolling your naked body in Cheetos dust.
Q: Why does the letter A look like a flower? A: Because Bs like flowers.
I hope I'm never behind Johnny Depp going through airport security. Watching him take off all those accessories would be sad.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dessed man on a bicycle? Attire...!!
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? A watermelon doesn't cry when you hit it with a sledgehammer.
I tried being a barber for a while but I just couldn't cut it. Bonus joke: Had to buy a stepladder the other day, I never knew my real ladder.
Why did the kid put his clock in the oven. He wanted to have a hot time.
I've quit my new job as a postman..... .....they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: "This isn't for me."
I dated a soccer player once. I also learned a new word that's in poor taste to yell out during climax.
It's only a little rad. It's a radish.
What do you call a seaside shanty for kids without parents? A wharfanage
Yo momma is so fat......... Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me."
Say the punchline first. Wait, I mean, how do you ruin a good joke?
Every week I buy healthy fruits & vegetables and every week I throw out spoiled fruits & vegetables because I like steak.
This Jew says to me "The 90s called, they want their shoes back." "The 40s called, your shower's ready."
Where do strippers go on holiday ? Poland
Teacher:"Okay class, time to take a test. Please take out your no.2 pencils." *Takes out no.1 pencil* (   )
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill's real name was Randy.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummy bear
I've never eaten the right amount of Indian food.
Some people feel the rain, others just get wet... ... and others wet themselves thinking no one would notice.
I get accused of hating white people many times on here. That's not true, some of my favorite shirts are white.
Why is golf named "golf"? Because all the other fore letter words were taken (Thanks to /u/bonerfar... this now makes sense...)
Did you hear about the bastard frog? It was a tad unexpected.
guy: my dog just died girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I sleep better naked. Why is this flight attendant unable to understand that?
For my next party trick I'll swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they'll come out of my ass tied together.... I shit you knot
Why did the kitchen cross the road? Because there was a woman on the other side.
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for  his girlfriend either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of? Me: It's unlikely that they experience fear. They're not self-aware, so... Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
What does a barcode say if he bumps into another barcode? SKU me
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vaccuum? The position of the dirt bag.
What's the best thing about a blowjob? The five minutes of peace and quiet
Your mom is so huge... That she has an entire Pokedex devoted to her storage.
Did you hear Vladimir Putin made a travel sized Russia? It is the perfect country to Putin your pocket.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
The average person has sex 127 times a year. My december is going to be fucking awesome
90's kids won't get this... Social Security benefits.
For twenty years my wife and I were very happy people... ...then we met.
I was at a funeral &amp; asked the priest for the WiFi password "Have some respect for the dead!" he said I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Apparently "I don't like scary movies," is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A. Wave at her.
Go ahead and assume it's a banana; I'm rarely that happy to see anyone.
On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand ...well that hand is busy.
Whats the difference between a blond and a mosquito? If you slap a mosquito it will stop sucking!
What are your best family friendly Christmas jokes? I need some for tonight.
I just realized something. Jesus backwards is susej =sausage. Jesus is a sausage. Is this a conspiracy? I really need to know
What do zero and nil have in common? Absolutely Nothing
I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob
What did Mike Tyson say when he saw mold? That's growth.
When someone says something to me, not only am I able to respond to them, I feel like I have to. It is my response ability.
What did O say to Q? "Pull your pants up will ya?"
Yo daddy jokes? Recently heard a yo mama joke and wondered if there is such a thing as yo daddy jokes. If they do exist, I'd like to read some!
What did the Latin guy say after he had sex? Veni. Veni. Veni.
how to be healthy 1. always eat breakfast 2. have a light lunch 3. enjoy a sensible dinner 4. FREAK OUT @ 11pm & EAT EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE
This milk's brand name is "Organic Valley." I can't drink it. Too grossed out picturing livers, spleens and pancreases sitting in a valley.
I take a Viagra every night... It stops me from rolling out of bed.
Do you know why God created atheists? Haha. Good one.
What do tall people and black people have in common? They have no one to look up to.
If grandmothers say "love you to the moon and back" Do gay men say "love you to Uranus and back"?
Where do footballers dance ? At a football !
When is your mind like a rumpled bed? When it isn't made up yet.
In Soviet Russia... Joke kills you.
Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
What does a ghost eat for dinner? Spookhetti
Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" Student: "My father's check book!"
Mommy what's an "Act of God?" Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an "active god" is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? Many hands make light work.
If I want to hear good gospel music... ...I go to Christian Dingle .com
The best part of waking up is... nothing. Waking up blows. Fuck you, Folgers.
Finally got a phone at my desk. In related news, thanks to me, 56 random people are running to catch their refrigerators.
My girlfriend just told me she might be pregnant I told her to cut it out
Someone called me racist for saying "black paint" I disagreed with him, since pointing out the color of paint does not infer anything about my opinions of different ethnicities
Did you here about the women who died after masturbating with a carrot? That was a dildon't
Where do psychics go to dance? The crystal ball
What will Donald Trump definitely do when he wins the election? Donald Trump will ban muslim, be a douchebag,make the whitehouse 500x larger and of course, BOMB NORTH KOREA!
[sees kid crying] Kid: Im lost Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Did you hear the one about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon? Probably.
I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels.
Did you hear they're republishing that Simple Mathematics study guide? It's the revised edition. (Revise Addition)
Why can't you checkmate a christian? Because they're all pawns and their king doesn't exist.
What does an unborn child say... ...while its parents are having sex?  "Oh yes, daddy!"
What's grey but turns red ? An embarrassed elephant !
Every woman should have four pets... A mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed...and a Jackass to pay for all of it
*walks into convenience store* "Excuse me, do you sell beef jerky" No sorry we only carry beef friendly *beef sticks start complimenting me*
How do you drown a little Asian boy? Pinch his nose before you cum.
Did you hear there's a new LGBT kung fu actor making films now? His stage name is Bruce Leigh
When pharmacist gets sick....... Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Why is it that every time I get ahead in life someone arrests me for grave-robbing?
Where did William Tell take his garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You know that she will definitely swallow
What is a thespian pony? A little horse play!
How many cops does it take the screw in a lightbulb? The same number it takes to screw public confidence in law enforcement
I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
If you told them they would be on TV, millions would sign up for "So You Think You Can Survive the Vacuum of Space".
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I've heard reincarnation is making a comeback.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt. ....... Ba dum chhhh!
What do you get when you minus Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear...? ... A smile !
I hate one-dimensional games. They're so linear.
What type of fruit is impossible to marry? Cantaloupe
README.TXT Thank you for reading me. (I actually came across this once...)
What do you call vampires vagina? Cunt Dracula
How did blind slaves escape the South? The Underground Braille-road
Did you hear they found the body of the guy that leaked the Jennifer Lawrence nudes? They say he's the first person ever to be hi-fived to death.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
A wino wanted to join the Black lives matter movement He ended up sobbing "Can't we all just get along?" at a Dark matter symposium.
Why did the Indian chief name his daughter. 99? Because she was always under a buck
Why did Tommen jump out the window? Because he was ready to come out.
my dance moves can best be described as "did that dude just try to leap frog?" & "whoa that's a lot of blood" & "is he still alive?"
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My ex wife. Ya know, my ex-wife still misses me. But 'ER aim is gettin' better.
A Neckbeard Approaches a Cancer Patient at a Bar... He tips his fedora and says, "Malady."
Where is Engagement, Ohio? It's somewhere between Dayton and Marion.
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because they can't fit into D-Shells.
I want to feel the bern But that sounds too politically incorrect.
My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I'd throw a rock or something but I'm afraid I'd hit the dog.
Why are there no astronauts on Twitch.tv? Because in space, no one can hear you stream.
I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullshit. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.
So I bought a new boomerang today, the problem is, I can't seem to throw away my old one.
Just found out I'm color blind.. It came out of the purple!
Why was the policeman sent to talk to a bunch of crows? Because someone said there was a "murder".
I think I'll design something cool, get a bunch of people to like it, and then make it steadily worse with every update. Oops, been done.
When is a school paper not a school paper? When it's turned into the teacher.
Me, age 18: I'll be a homeowner by the time I'm in my 30s Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand? My hand
What's the easiest way to get off an elephant? I don't know but you should buy it dinner first!
If you're riding a horse at full speed along side a giraffe and a lion is chasing you, what do you do? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. Props to the radio station I heard this on today.
What does a Dingo call a pregnant woman? A Snack Pack...... I'm sorry
*cooks french fries on your greasy hair*
Why is stevie wonder always smiling? No one's told him he's black.
How many "can't"s can a white girl "can't" before she literally can't even? my brother asked me this when i woke up and it has been bugging me all day.
I failed my drivers license test I didn't want to start the car. When the instructor asked why I said it was illegal to test and drive.
Why was Sir Lancelot too tired to jump over the moat? He didn't get a good knight's leap. Wakka wakka!
What is a woman ? Man with a uterus somewhere
If I were a shepherd, I would never take inventory of my flock for fear of falling asleep on the job.
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
A girl at my work is going to be having a baby. I haven't decided which one yet though.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That's weird, dude.
I just watched Meet the Parents again And if I was Gay I would have been outta there
What is a feminist's feeling when she gets "threatened?" Womenaced
I wrote a Haiku Poetry is hard Like Mr. Jared Fogle At a kid's party
What do you get when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention!
Steve Irwin died the same way he lived... With animals in his heart
This is a really offensive football joke... So the defense won't get it.
What does a stripper do to her asshole before work? She drops him off at band practice.
[Record Shop] Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors? Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
It's true I misunderstood what you meant by "take me to the bone zone" but you must admit this is a very nice graveyard.
What do grapefruit and women have in common? The best ones squirt when you eat them.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? You mean you don't know?!
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist's hands in my mouth today. #survivor
How do you piss off a feminist? Don't worry, she's already pissed off.
I think it's sweet that teens text "U up?" really late at night to check that their friends are getting to bed at a reasonable hour
What drink does Santa give to naughty children? Coala
ME: [waking up from nap] HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn't what i meant
"FUCK. It's only lettuce." - What my dog thinks when I drop lettuce on the floor
how do you drown a blonde? put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
Rams&gt;Cowboys Coincidence ?
You know why some people simply don't have a butt? Because they are on a gluten free diet.
What room is a ghost scared of? The living room( haha get it?)
What's the cheapest type of meat to buy?? Deer balls; because they're under a buck.
[ambulance] medic: sir do you need oxygen me: no dying is fine
Q: Why did the Wisconsin democrat cry? A: He couldn't recall.
How does an octopus go to war? Armed.
Three old men are walking down the street... The first old man says "Hey, it's Windy" The second old man says "No, Thursday" The third one says "I agree, lets go get a beer"
I lost my first cage fight last night .. not all dogs want cuddles.
So did you hear about the brother and sister that got married? They opened up an incesteraunt.
BOSS: why are you so late? ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Why is the ice planet in Star Wars called "Hoth"...? ...shouldn't it be "Coldth"?
[NSFW?] As a guy, I've become very insensitive... because I masturbate too much.
I have a pretty good joke about procrastination But on second thought I think I'll tell it later.
Nurse walking down a hallway reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer... She says, "Great, some asshole's got my pen."
In an incredible turn of events we've been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
What do you call a black person flying a plane? A pilot.. you racist bastard!
How do you make a pheromone? Drive her sarcophagus down a gravel road.
Why didn't Pope John Paul let dogs into the Vatican? Because they pee on poles.
So they say 71 percent of tweets go unread. But I bet you all are reading this one. Cause this one's got Velociraptors. And they're awesome.
If I was a magician I'd ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar... One Deer turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"
What's the sound of a one-handed corpse clapping? Dead silence. What's the sound of a one-handed zombie clapping? Undead silence. Thanks to my gaming group for those.
One time when I was riding the school bus the bus drive hit a couple of tree branches She said "bus drivers trim trees as a side job"
How do you say goodbye to an Indonesian? with a big wave
What's the best part of living in Alabama? You don't live in Mississippi.
If my dick were a card... (x-post from r/hearthstone) ...It'd have overload because you can't take it all at once.
Wait, women get the WHOLE DAY? Is that in every country? It's night where I am is it over can it be about me again
If the World Trade Center was in India.... Would the terrorist attack be on 7/11?
Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram.
I don't know what gave you that impression but I wouldn't sleep on it next time.
I didn't flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she's pudding our kids in the middle :(
Herpes is such a strong word, I prefer penis sprinkles.
How to climb a flight of stairs? Step one Step two Step three
What's the opposite of "lily white"? A racist term of some sort.
Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid? He said he could stop at anytime.
PornHub removed my sex tape They told me to try Vine
GAY WEBSITE NAME C : ### . com...... for those that don't get it : c (see) : (colon) pound pound pound . com
Knock Knock Who's there ! Carlene ! Carlene who ? Carlene against that wall ?
I'm gonna make a porn of midgets working at a burger place I'll call it "Quarter Pounder"
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
Why do jews get their penises circumcised? Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off
How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts? With a mop.
"When I saw you driving down the road I guessed 55 at least." "You're wrong officer it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
Which state has the most progressive bathroom laws? Transylvania.
Gonna start referring to my Facebook feed as Chick-Fil-A because it's just a bunch of propaganda from cows who can't spell.
What did the stoner drop when he listened to dubstep? Salt.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can't tell if he's stoned, or he knows that I am
A Drinking Problem! Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem."
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
I tried to say no to the vodka but it was 40% stronger than me
What kind of mushroom gets beat up the most? A shiitake mushroom
My wife and I have had sex six times in the last three months. I wonder what's making her so horny.
I can't stop coughing. Think I'll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I've started seeing someone about my porn addiction. Her name's Brandy.
If you were a dinosaur what would you be? Dead
I've never jumped onto a departing ferry or had a woman adjust my tie from behind me, you movie liars.
Hey, Johns, your parents thought about your name for about half a second.
What did the redditor do to a post? He rEDDITed it. I'll leave.
Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas. The front says "I will do anything for love" On the rear it says "but I won't do that"
What's the difference between a violinist and a fiddler? How red their necks are.
Why don't Gingers go to the dentist? They are already aware of their corrosive gingivitis.
Snapbacks Popular amongst those with brittle bones.
What was Carl Sagan really trying to say about the brain? In Soviet Russia, consciousness regulates the cerebral cortex.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Did you hear about helicopter that crashed into that graveyard? Police have so far recovered 54 bodies
Dictator Vegetable Who was the Dictator Vegetable who was responsible for the death of millions of people? Muammar Gourd-affi.
What is the easy way to get a wild elephant ? Get a tame one and annoy it !
Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes"
What would you say to Hitler if he was sick? Hey, ill Hitler!
Life is like a box of chocolates If your fat it doesn't last very long.
Yo momma so fat.. ..she has a real horse on her Polo shirt.
Three Russians walk into a bar Just kidding. They never left.
A man was admitted to the ER with 6 small plastic horses up his bum... ...doctors described his condition as "stable".
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I'd love to hold your baby
I came here to kick ass and chew gum... And I've got new, longer-lasting Stride, so we'll be here for a while.
They don't bury an Amish man with his beard. They bury him with shovels.
I've been sleeping with my pocket knife these days... It fucking hurts!
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.
Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.
Asked for "change for a dollar" at the Dollar Store and they just gave me a different dollar.
What do you call 24 carrots? Edible gold.
What do you get when you teach Android grammar? A droid
I'm far too cute to only have one ex-husband.
Do you eat to much sodium? Na.
[crouches down] [rubs earth between fingers] 'The pizza went that way ..'
What do you call a drug addict that's allergic to heroin? Cracktose Intolerant
Why did the Scarecrow get a promotion? ... because he was outstanding in his field!
Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back."
*First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"
To all those telling me this account is a sin - Don't worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Why couldn't the pickle leave the bar? Because the door was ajar!
What's white and red, 3 inches long, and makes dudes scream and run away when you show it to them? A positive pregnancy test.
I have a good joke about a Spanish name... But it isn't this Juan.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don't have great childing skills either.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they'd do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Did you want to row or paddle? Either oar...
9 out of 10 dentists agree: the 10th dentist is a dog, not a dentist. the 10th dentist argues that dogs can b dentists too
[WARNING: RACIST JOKE] What do you call a jew with a gasmask? A spoilsport.
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb? None, Rather than change it they will just sit in a corner and cry like little bitches
Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL? because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses? Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
So, there's a plane... So there's a plane. The plane crashes, and every single person dies. However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible? He wasn't single.
Doctor, doctor...I've got a strawberry up my butt! That's ok. We've got some cream for that.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a  decathlete? Someone who pole-vaults without a pole.
What's so ironic about disabled toilets? They're big enough to run around in.
You can eat all the Curry you want... Freddie is eating more Curry! Sorry
Be yourself. Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food.
My doctor told me I need to stop masturbating. I guess it was kinda getting in the way of the physical.
Dyslexic man walks into a bra Funny or nah?
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look! I'm changing!
Guess where my cheating girlfriend now lives? Idaho
Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
Why do women close their eyes during sex? Because they can't stand to see a man happy.
Why did Tomato turn red from embarrassment? Because it saw Salad dressing.
Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.
The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin.
What's that Lassie? Bark! Yes I have a few moments of free time Bark! Goddammit lassie no I don't want to hear about Jesus
Why are Jedi kids so fat? Because they were force fed.
Americans have some weird slang... Like calling shooting ranges high schools
What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal? Darth Vader.
What did the druggie scientist say when he got high on Helium? He He
What did the mother say to the child who refused to eat his fossil for dinner? Trilobite, you'll love it!
Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Two atoms are walking down the street... The first atom says "hey, you just stole my electron!" The second atom says "are you sure?" The first atom says " yes, i'm positive."
I saw a Mexican fighting Jared Fogel I finally saw Alien vs Predator
My friend went to mime school... Haven't heard from him since. HAHAHALOLOLOO SO FUNNY SOMEONE PLZ KILL ME
What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home ? 'Lovely dear he looks good enough to eat!'
Why don't you play Uno with a Mexican? Because they take all the green cards. (friend at work told me this gem)
John: "My memory is bad..." George: "How bad is it?" John: "How bad is what?"
A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. "Darling, I'm pregnant!" Tears running the husband's eyes, he says "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"
I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.
Robert De Niro was worried he was having symptoms of Schizophrenia. He went to his doctor and said... "I heard things."
China has revised its on child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children. Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off work. Edit: Spelling is hard.
Why do black people wear chains? Nostalgia
It's so easy to kick a midgets ass All you have to do is raise your foot barely off the ground.
[lights focus on guy in interrogation room] "Say it. SAY IT." *points at sign saying "Worcestershire Sauce"*
The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve.
I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
A teenage girl found out that she was pregnant. She thought to herself "My mom's gonna kill me". the newly formed embryo did the same.
Ellen Pao on the new $10 bill! worth 2 cents
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool I gave him a glass of water.
If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho
When you sit next to a talker at the movies you're allowed to hit them in the face and move seats. It's in the ticket fine print.
Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.
Idea: "Celebrity Price Is Right" where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
DiCaprio movie endings; Shutter Island: is he dead? Titanic: is the boat dead? Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead? Inception: am I dead?
What does a cock and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. Repost, forgot to proofread "What's does a dick and a Rubiks Cube have in common?" From /r/Jokes
My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.
Airport bathrooms are home to the loudest, angriest, most unapologetic farts known to man.
So I went on this swinger's camping holiday recently. It was fucking intense.
Standup comedy is challenging because you have to succeed at competitively describing how unsuccessful you are in life.
Q&amp;A Q: What did Norman Bates call his little sister? (You know you see it coming...) A: Psycho-sis! (I won't let the doorknob hit me on the way out..)
a cowboy dog walks into a town He goes right into the saloon and says," I'm looking fer the varmint that shot my pa' ".
X-post from r/jokes: Mommy! I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cus it was fake. "Oh, how did you know it was fake?" "It had two zeroes instead of one."
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
No bees were harmed in the making of my new short film, "Bees on Fire: Screams from Inside a Hive".
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic? Some guy sitting up all night wondering if there really is a dog
Who the hell called it 69ing... Instead of cuddlingus.
Don't hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
I think I was Italian, in a pasta life.
Hi, I'd like a salamus sandwich, please. "You mean salami?" No, just a single salamus. "Um ok, anything else on that?" Yes, one pepperonus.
Wanted: 1 Psychic. You know who you are.
What do you call a crocodile in a band? A crocstar
When people use the wrong homonyms it irritates me I know the pane, I've been their before.
My GF was sick and said Sperm has a lot of Vitamin C in it... I told her I guess that means I can be her C-man
Where do you take a cheque? Czechoslovakia.
"Talent imitates, but genius steals."  bilbous.
I'm not a racist because racism is a crime And crime is for black people
Why is it so difficult to make a hooker smile? They're all crabby.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
Hamburger A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food here."
When did the criminal get smart? When the judge threw the book at him.
Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don't like that.
I recently started resistors in Physics It's good, but the teacher gives way too much Ohmwork.
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaains. I'm sorry.
Some people wouldn't know good literature even if... ...they got slapped across the face with a Moby Dick.
Doc and Alcohol Me: So Doc what is my problem? Doc: I am not exactly sure of the cause .I think it could be due to Alcohol. Me: That's ok i will come back when you are sober.
The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE! (Read in Mr. Connery's voice) Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me. I had only myshelf to blame.
A spic and a nigger are falling from the top of the empire states building. Who hits the ground first? Who cares?
A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button... ... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat's leg.
My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.
Where do beers go to pick up girls? Ho Gardens
What do you call a fake enemy? A faux!
People claim they're into recycling, but just watch their faces when you rinse out a condom.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead? A: His heart stops bleeding.
Teach a man to fish and feed him for a day. Shoot him in the face and never have to deal with that whiny douchebag again.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot
Every time someone says, "at least it's a dry heat," I want to stab them with a box cutter. *at least it's a short knife.
A student walks into class late... Teacher: "Why are you late?" Student: "While I was coming, I saw a sign that said **School ahead. Slow down.**"
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I put "the rap" in therapy. Yo, yo. Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Why was the redditor banned? Voat manipulation.
[OC] I found a dead bird outside. It smelt fowl.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it's probably the couple sitting next to me.
"The new iPhone 6 is bigger!" Meh. "It has more sensors!" Pfft. "You can block group texts." I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Why are alcoholics the same as necrophiliacs? When they feel like fucking death they crack open a cold one.
I spent two hours child-proofing my home. They still got in.
Have you ever seen one of those billboards that just says "AVAILABLE" and a phone number? That's your mom's number.
There's been four dudes wandering around our local cemetery all morning. I think they've lost the plot.
I don't remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED
Why did the composer spend all his time in  bed? He wrote sheet music.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend But it was just my imaginasian.
Man walks into library & asks if they have any books on bukkake. The librarian replies, "A lot of people come for that."
Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
TIL that 1/100 people have undiagnosed dyslexia Whoops, wrong bus.
How much did the critic tip the waitor? two cents
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"
I dislike the term haterade. I say hater-juicebox instead.
Why couldn't Joe get to home? He was a Mets fan.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.
Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Question: What's the difference between sin and  shame? Answer: It is a sin to put it in but it's a shame to pull it out.
[at the race] "RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK" Mark: ouch!
Some people have difficulty sleeping But I can do it with my eyes closed!
My SO started smoking last night So I slowed down and applied some lube.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks "are you OK?"
How do you stop an Italian from talking? Tie his hands together
Do you know how to make Notre Dame style eggs? You put them in a bowl way too big for it...and then beat repeatedly for 3 hours
My girlfriend recently said that she needs some time and distance... Is she trying to calculate velocity?
What do you call a Russian snake that's eating its own tail? An ouroboris
What makes cows and horses so valuable? They have a lot of moo/neigh.
Was at the zoo and witnessed a monkey going to the bathroom. That shit was bananas.
Your honor, may I approach the bench? Judge: You may *benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps* The defense rests
What has four legs, is big, green, and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree on top of you, would kill you? A pool table.
My husband just had a heart attack during climax He was nearly there - but then he was nearly gone.
I wanted to make a Zelda joke.. But I didn't wanna tri and force it. :D
Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama & I don't have to wear pants."
How many hipsters does it take to...? ...Bazinga! nobody cares! you fell for one of my practical jokes again.
Makes sense Apple fans would buy a MacBook candle... ...They're already used to the smell of burning synthetic materials and watching their money go up in flames.
I have a joke about California's drought. But it's pretty dry.
"Congratulations, the baby's got green overalls!" Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.
What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet? V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.
Whats red and crawling up your leg An abortion with home sickness.
RIP Boiling water You'll be mist.
Masonry work is hard There's a lot of trowel and error.
I'm still pissed that "testicle Tuesday" never took off.
I love you.
With the new Disney-Lucas Films merger... ... is Leia a Disney princess?
What has little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
Alfred Nobel is considered the inventor of dynamite ...because all the others could not be positively identified.
I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
OH MY GOD THE INSPIRATIONAL TWEETS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
Beware of alphabet grenades... Beware of alphabet grenades, if you throw them it could spell disaster...
Got in our old Mark 1 Golf today... ... My dad grabs shifts into reverse and says...."Aah, this takes me back"
Hey guys I found an iPhone 6s If it's yours contact me. I still need the charger!
How can you tell which Burger Land baseball pitchers are left-handed? They're the one's wearing the left-handed 'meats'!
Thanks for telling me what BOGO means... It means a great deal to me.
Why is the old decrepit horse named  Flattery? Because it gets you nowhere!
What's the difference between a Redditor, Marilyn Monroe, Melania Trump, and Lee Harvey Oswald? One's a jerk who jacks off, one jerked off Jack, one jacks off a jerk, and one's a jerk who offed Jack .
What did the frog say when he was asked how he knew so much about the new lili pad. Reddit
I kicked a French guy in the balls... Once, I kicked a French guy in the balls. As he clutched his groin and sank to the floor, he whispered in pain, "wee wee". So I kicked him again.
What's Hillary Clinton's favourite question? How much to make this go away?
Heard about the girl who took a contraceptive pill with pond water? Last I heard, she was three months stagnant.
My pooch found a great TV show for us to watch Dogter Who
I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding. ~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide &amp; Happiness)
how do you know a basketball player has prostate cancer? he dribbles a lot
Some people think it's difficult to live with Erectile Dysfunction But really, it's not that hard.
Al Gore's so boring his secret service name is Al Gore
Pizza is like racism. America didn't invent it, but it's hard to find a country that does it better.
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof... I was shocked!
Why did the terrorists have to blow up a Paris nightclub? Because their planes kept missing the Eiffel Tower.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[first date] "So... you didn't mention that you're trapped in 230 million year old amber." [my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
"Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?" Body: "I shall make this into nose hair"
Have you heard about the South Korean subreddit? Apparently it's the /r/seoul of reddit.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
How do you know if a black person used your TV? It's not there anymore.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
What do you call a very lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.
Eye contact with the McDonald's drive-thru cashier is a shame-filled mistake.
There's a reason the iPhone autocorrects "Yolo" to "tool."
What is a hurricane's favorite pet?  -Anywhere from 1 to 5 cats
The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.
Yo' momma so stupid... she thought euthanasia was a student exchange program.
We're all equal. But I'm more equal than you.
I like my women like I like my sandwiches crusty and filled with cheese.
How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Light bulb.
A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India. I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.
Do you know who cries the most during the end of Titanic? Metal fans.
Roses are red, Violets are Blue. I have one mom, Kylie Jenner has two.
I hear that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your genes.
Did you know... That 80% of all stats are made up?
Why do uniformed soldiers need to eat their fruits and vegetables? If they don't, they'll be irregulars.
Is your fridge running? Nah, it's chillin.
"Daddy, why don't you kiss me the way you kiss mommy?" "Because I love mommy."
I was a trampoline salesman Off and on.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis? A. At a secondhand store.
A man walks into library & asks if they have any books on coincidences. The librarian says, "As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived."
I once had an altercation with a dealer in Vegas. He really had a chip on his shoulder.
What's a pedophile's favorite food? I'm not sure, I only watch the children eat.
Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever  loved. Assistant: Why don't you marry her? Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.
What do you call a person who teaches you the art of farting? A tooter
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Mittens. Just joking, im not sure what he got, hasn't opened his gift yet
Where do you put a Jew with ADHD A concentration camp.
I wish you were ketchup.... ...So you could squirt on my Weiner!
Why is everything lying on the floor? my mom asked Gravity, I replied.
Purple is my favorite colour. I like it more than red and blue combined.
What happen after JFK's assassination? A funeral.
So I heard on the news that there was a school shooting in my city of Chicago. It must've been a slow news day.
PATIENT: I broke my arm in 3 places DOCTOR: Then dont go to those places!
A woman walks into a bar and says, "I'll have an entendre, in fact, make it a double" So he gave it to her.
gonna name my first born Horse_ebooks
Wanna hear a construction joke ? I'm still working on it.
I was making a recipe that called for tapioca flour, but we were all out. Thankfully, my wife figured out I could substitute corn starch. Clabber girl.
What do we want? TIME TRAVEL! When do we want it? THAT'S IRRELEVANT!
My Granddad committed suicide. He drove off a cliff. Everyone was screaming and shouting at him telling him not to do it. Then again he was a bus driver.
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid... ...but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Why do vacuums machines make for such terrible hairdriers? because they suck.
What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants? Ferniture.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean* You're free now
Nice try weed people... Are we just supposed to legalize anything that comes from the ground? What's next potatoes?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don't forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I went to a sandwich shop, but they screwed up my order Oh wait, I've got the wrong sub.
Religion is like a nude pic If it ends up on the internet you're entering a world of criticism 
Star Wars: The Force Awakens comes out this week. I predict someone will shoot up a theater Don't worry though, it'll be a storm trooper and he'll miss everyone.
I was once told I run like a gazelle But the guy who said it was in a wheelchair, so I took it with a grain of salt.
A priest, a mathematician, and a corporation walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender gives them two drinks and moves on to the next group of customers.
I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it. Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn't even funny the first time.
What's the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas? You only get presents from one set of grandparents.
I'm not a competitive person I'll be the first to admit it.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
Doctor Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
[hostage situation] Any last words? "Nah, I'm good." If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you're prayers. "You are prayers. Lol."
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
What did the suicide bomber say when he saw a naked girl for the first time? Nothing. He just exploded.
They say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but actually... A plateau is.
Life is like a box of chocolates It ends faster for fat people
I'm so sick of being constipated... I'm completely losing my shit
How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Do all Europeans countries drive on the right? No, the Brits left.
What do you call a group of African superheroes? The Jaundice League
What do you call a discounted Zuckerberg? Marked down!
What do you call a chicken staring intently at a piece of lettuce? A chicken ceaser salad.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The problem with rich people is you're not one of them.
A photon goes to a hotel... He arrives and the clerk says, "Sir may I take your luggage" the photon then replies, "No, I'm traveling light"
I like my women like I like my humor, dry.
My teacher loves me - she puts kisses against all my sums.
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
A Roman soldier meets another soldier on the road "Excuse me" the first soldier asks "have you crossed Jesus anywhere, by any chance?"
Trump writing a thanksgiving tweet I love the people of Turkey!`` Related: https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/728297587418247168
How did the dictator make it easier for power companies to do business with neighboring countries? He stepped down.
What was the cannibal's favorite part about the Vegetarian dish? The Vegetarian
Fun Fact: The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn't get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn't work upstairs.'
Why was the Mexican called a paragraph? Because he was to short to be called an essay
When I was a kid, I had to quit the marching band based on my religious principles. I was a real tuba leaver back then.
I promise, I'm only gonna have 2 beers tonight.... 2 beers in dog beers
Therapist: *pulls up in a brand new Mercedes* Me: You're welcome
When I die... I want my body to be dressed in a Super Man costume and tossed out of a plane.
My grandma got breast cancer and is getting a mastectomy. That's certainly a weight off her chest.
First time I had sex I was so scared.... I was all alone.
"What's better than a happy smiling baby?" "Personal freedom and disposable income?" "You make it really hard to talk to you sometimes."
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Telephone Problems by Ron Number
Jesus said to John, "Come forth and I will give you eternal life." But he came fifth and got a toaster.
Why does Trump only use a laptop computer? Because of the small keyboard.
Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?
No matter which doctor I go to for a general checkup, they all hit me on the knee. I think they get a kick out of it.
I can't take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It's still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Question and Answer Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake? A: It did $100 million worth of improvements
What do u call a Jamaican proctologist? Poke'mon
A dyslexic poet that has a fetish for rim licks.
Can we stop acting like "seasonal" beers makes sense at all?
My GF called me "behind the times" today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Future generations will never believe Sarah Palin was a real person.
What does a shooting star say to his buddy before he dies? "Meet me - oh, right.."
Was at the dentist the other day, he told me to say "ahhhh" I asked him why, he said his dog died - Tommy Cooper
February 29th is just like a dead beat dad. It only shows up every four years.
The instructions said if my erection lasts longer than four hours to see a doctor... My calculus professor was no help at all.
Where can you bid on internet mail order brides? eBae
I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense... It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can't post anything on the internet or they'll know I'm ignoring them.
Did you hear the score of the Germany Vs Ethiopia game? Germany 8, Ethiopia didn't.
If Jessica Simpson doesn't name one of her kids "Homer", then seriously what's the point?
My husband just went 69 mph in a 50 zone just so he could point at the speedometer and wink at me. 15 years and going strong.
Try this one crazy trick to get people to click on things! See. It worked.
Have you seen the one about the idiots with bad jokes? Yep, Reddit.
Sherbet is great if someone asks you for ice cream and you hate them.
I was going to say a chemistry joke... But I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.
What's Tim Cook's new nickname? Jack The Ripper
Why is all of the music made in North Korea just absolutely terrible? They've got no Seoul.
Cemetery Which is better: a cemetery or a jewish cemetery? A Jewish one because I only need to dig one hole.
Watched a porno today of only people with extra chromosomes It's called "Down to Fuck?"
Guys, I found a cure for my Alzheimer's!
Ever notice Santa brings way nicer shit to rich kids than poor kids? Hey kids ,maybe it's time to do a little Christmas critical thinking.
Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
Jon Snow is an idiot He should've just given their watch back when they asked.
I can't make it tonight. There's a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
A r/news mod walks into a bar [Removed]
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How do you tell the difference between an introvert or extrovert software engineer? The extrovert looks at your feet when talking.
Knock knock.... Whose there? Jesus Jesus who? Behold I stand at the door and knock....
"Wife stabs husband with squirrel" was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
What do you get when you kiss a sick bird? Cherpies.
[text] I'm very hungry but I'm sick and tired of the food at my work! ;( Maybe I'll try bringing lunch from home?!
What's the difference between an original joke and a repost? I dunno, i just click submit
Two gay guys went out for a night on the town without any cash. It was an unfunded mandate.
It's hard to be Japanese. You know why? It's because I'm Chinese.
I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing with my life in 5 years... I mean, come on, it's not like I have 2020 vision.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room. For Jesus.
And then the devil said, "tell her to calm down."
GF: I'm leaving you because you're obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me. ME: Please don't go. You're Juan in a minion.
What did the dog say to the fireman? The roof is on fire.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
What do you call somebody who pretends to play on a player piano? A Penis
Can't wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I imagine a few times before he got it right, Jesus turned water into wine coolers.
My son's joke he just told me. Knock knock. who's there ? Banana Banana who ? Eye ball... aren't you glad I didn't say orange? :s loool
My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I invented a new word It's called plagiarism
A blind man walks into a bar... And a table, and a chair....
If getting drunk and eating pizza rolls is wrong then maybe I don't fully comprehend how a kindergarten open house actually works.
If the camera adds ten pounds.. Do African kids even exist?
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
Make mine a Sandusky. I think I'm going to make a signature drink after Jerry Sandusky - 10 year old Whiskey and tears
Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes? Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.
MAYOR'S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it's really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
"Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!" [tries to date pizza] [gets friend calzoned]
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don't know.
Why Do Jews Play Football? So they can get the Quarterback!
What's Bill Corby's favorite type of Jello? Grape. The "G" is silent. Just like his lovers. Edit: I can't edit the title, I suck at spelling -_- (and proofing)
What did the policeman say to the jumper? Pullover
How about a baseball cap that says "BALD", so you can cover your gross bald head, but when you take it off no one is surprised/disappointed?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to wear condoms when having sex with women. Every women wants to be impregnated by Chuck Norris.
I got 99 karma but link ain't one.
I once had a dog, that no matter what I tried to teach him, he only ever learned the the command "shake". He had Barkinson's disease.
Let's fall in love with each other while falling in hate with everything else.
Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced "Louis-ville" or "Louie-Ville?" Its pronounced "Frank-fort."
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet. I'm 34 now Mom. I don't talk to them. I sleep with them.
[1st date] -I'm a fish whisperer. Wow, what does that mean? -*whispers* Fish. Oh... Haha um what do you- -*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Today a girl kissed me I wish I could post it in another subreddit
A guy walks into a bar... ouch
Genders are like political parties... There are many, but only 2 actually matter.
I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn't
On a date, she said "You smell nice. What have you got on?" "I've got a hard on. But I didn't know you could smell it."
What did they call Hitler's limo driver? the Chau-fuhrer
Why was the bottle laying down? someone flipped it.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Ever hear of the Infinite Monkey Theorem? It goes something like if an infinite number of Redditors typed away on keyboards, one of them will eventually type a complete day of work.
I couldn't understand why the battery in my cell phone was always flat. Then it occurred to me; it wouldn't fit if it was any other shape.
I clicked "Submit a Joke" before thinking of what I'd say Now I know how the Republican party feels.
What is a dog who crosses the street twice in  an hour? A double crosser.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word 'follower' should be evidence of that
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Did you hear the one about Derrida? I'll tell you later.
Her: You into S&M. Him: Sure. Her: Good. *ties him to bed post* Him: Oh yeah. Her: Ready...? Him: Torture me! Her: *plays Nickelback*
Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now
A frog literally just intentionally threw himself under my lawn mower I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide. I hate myself. I'm sorry.
I've found that most girls make a lot of noise in the bedroom... Usually right after they see me at the window.
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies! ^tee ^hee
Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.
Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate.
Slightly over half of marriages end in divorce... ... the rest are fatal.
Why was the fruit really upset he had to get married in a big church? [oc] Because he cantaloupe.
When the farmer counted his cows he had 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200!
There's a lot of talk surrounding the EU referendum at the moment. We've already heard from the boss' of JCB and Dyson; I'm just waiting to hear from Durex and their opinions on us pulling out.
If twenty dogs run after one cat what time is  it? Twenty after one.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
2 drunk guys were walking on the train tracks "hey john, this stairs are reallly long" "don't worry, here comes the elevator"
I asked a guy if he could hold my joke for me. guy "Jokes aren't a thing, you can't hold them!" me "Wow, just can't take a joke can you."
I just turned my iPhone into an iPad simply by holding it closer to my face.
Apparently, "he's an army officer" isn't the correct response to "who's your daddy".
I saw this guy in Walmart... ...who was bashing his head on the border between aisles 9 and 10. He said "Go away muggle, I'm trying to get into aisle 9 3/4!"
Where are all of the creative Calculus jokes? All these new ones are so derivative...
The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
Speechless This message has no content.
Boys: I may not have the biggest boobs, but I sure do have the right number of 'em!
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
What do you call a rabbit who is real cool?  A hip hopper.
My girlfriend's not up for being fisted tonight. I guess I'll just put my feet up.
Here's a mind bender my 8 year old son came up with: Why are trees green? For camouflage.
Why couldn't the philosopher make a living? He made no sense. I tried, I really did.
2 men walk into a bar The third one ducks.
How do you call a party with people who have epilepsy? Foam fest
A computer once beat me at chess... ...but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
why was 6 afraid of 7? because 7,8,9.
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"asparagai" is what i call multiple asparagus, but don't take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Today, I was beaten up by this woman ... I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press one." So I did.
I don't' carelessly utter profanities like a commoner. I take my time and articulate them properly; after all I'm a fcuking gentleman.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
As soon as I can go a full year without losing a pair of sunglasses, then maybe I'll be ready to take care of a kid.
A little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when i grow up" Her mother replies, "Well pick one, Honey. You can't do both."
What happened to the cowboy when he said that he was sick of washing cowhides at his side of the dairy? He was sent to the udder side
You know what is going on in Ukraine? Donetsk, don't tell.
*arouses suspicion* Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c'mere.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Fuck that. It's the nurse's job.
What's the difference between a politician and an actor? One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.
Will I become attractive if I swallow magnets?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
How did the farmer find his daughter? He Tractor.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Mo' money mo' problems might be true, but I'd still like to find out for myself.
I like my women how I like my whiskey... 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
There was a question about Greece's economy in a German maths exam. What was it worth? Two marks.
If this country cared for its mentally ill they wouldn't be able to join Neighborhood Watch Teams or enter politics.
A baby seal walks into a bar... Bartender asks "What'll it be kid?" Seal plops a five on the counter and says "Anything but a Canadian Club."
What kind of pastry do you need a thesaurus to eat? Synonym rolls
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend  you're angrily chasing him.
"What the FUCK is going on?!?!?" - the Moon (July 21, 1969)
I once farted in an Apple Store... I once farted in an Apple Store. They got mad at me and I said it's your fault, you don't have windows
*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids *kids play outside for 7 minutes
Texts son - to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away God he's lazy, took him ten minutes to reply
Steve Jobs will be back He's an Android afterall.
What rhymes with computer? No it doesn't...
Only funny if you own a dog: I think my dog must have a very cold nose. Every time it walks into a room, all the other dogs sit down.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
Why didn't the sun have to attend university? It's already got thousands of degrees.
I hate girls with double standards unless they're pretty
Why did the Amish woman get pregnant? Because she was seeing too many Mennonite.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one, but it takes a very long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.
Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole) and you could lose your money.
Every summer I go to Grammar Camp we discuss creative ideas and pitch our new tense.
You better get out of here before the S.W.A.T. team arrives I just blew up a toilet. Say, did you hear the one about the man with chronic constipation? No? Well, no shit
Education is a team effort There's no 'i' in 'illiteracy'!
What are the differences among a piano, a tuna, and super glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna
So, Bruce Jenner wants to become a women, eh? He's already got the driving part down. http://www.npr.org/2015/02/08/384663218/bruce-jenner-involved-in-fatal-car-crash
If we ate cats for lunch we could consolidate something like 85% of all Facebook photos.
I'm not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE'RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER. *cops pull me from operating room*
My 6 year old niece told me this one. What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests? (_) ( _)&gt;- (_) An investigator
What do you call a werewolf who has taken an interest in social justice? Awarewolf
My attorney's sole responsibility after I die will be to unfriend people that post anything about angels on my wall.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
What do you call Kansas overrun by pirates? Arkansas
I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.
You know you're old when...... you can pronounce the names of your black peers.
What is black and in jail? A black man who committed a crime.
What does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles.
What'd the man with 5 penises say..? These pants fit like a glove!
I had no idea how long ago 1997 was when I was living it.
What's the difference between a horny girl and a hungry girl? Where she puts the cucumber..
Why did the man invest in the kilovolt battery? He thought it had a lot of potential.
GF: I'm sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup ME: we should breakup what? OVER GF: its over ME: its what? OVER
What is the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke
The stir fry chef had to make a difficult decision. He was between a wok and a hot plate.
Why should a woman President never masturbate? Reports that she has her finger on The Button would cause panic.
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, you drove far enough.
Why is ISIS like Little Miss Muffet? They both have Kurds in their way.
Crystal Clear would be a badass name for an albino stripper.
My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house. Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though
I just threw a football through a tire swing and now I'm in first place in the NFC South?
What do you call an albino gorilla? Honkey Kong
What do nuns do when they're horny? They cum to Jesus.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street.. I said its because im black isnt it
Why do so many kids die in high school massacres? Because they aren't allowed to run in the corridors
If my mouth could get pregnant, an entire box of fudge-pops would be taking paternity tests.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
You think life as a woman is hard? Try peeing with an erection.
"I traded my carpet in for bare floors" --coworker. "Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.", said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Employer: why do you want this job?....... Employer: why do you want this job? Me: $o I can expand my re$ume and gain experien$e in the job field $$$$$$$
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to  whine at you what have you usually done wrong?  Made her chain too long.
What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint? Five Guys.
What do you do after you've just licked the softest, sweetest, pussy in the world? Put it back in the crib.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
A buddhist walks up to a hotdog vender... ...says make me one with everything.
So my scatterbrained friend accused me of misquoting cliches... Isn't that the pot calling the kettle a racist?!?!
What's the difference between a fish and a guitar? You can't tuna fish!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex... Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???... No!!!
If the star of Anchorman asks the singer of 'Happy' to star in his next film... Will Pharrell say yes?
I'm drowning my self in coke right now. Not the drug. The drink. Nah jk it's the drug.
[william shakespeare as an 8yo] dad: bedtime william: dost thou not... dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
What do you call a cat eating a girl out? Cannibalism
The lead singer of Dead Or Alive has died. Guess that answers *that* question.
What did the cow say... What did the cow say when she jumped over the barbed wire fence? "I'm udderly ruined!" credit: my grandma, at every party she's ever been to
I tried to use a watch as a belt But it's just a waist of time
I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
"Let's get ready to bumble!!!" - Bees
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark? Black people can't swim.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Armageddon ! Armageddon who ? Armageddon getting out of here !
Why did the skeleton burp in the church ? He didn't have the guts to fart
I had to put my dog down last night He's just too darn heavy to carry around anymore.
What instrument do you play Beside blowing dick?
How do you make holy water? You take ordinary water and boil the hell out of it.
No, I'm not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn't remove the pit from the avocado, that's between us.
I was in a bad place when my girlfriend broke up with me. A brothel.
You know, there's one thing I have yet to witness in life. A crippled stand-up comedian.
What do you call a Chinese prostitute with no legs? Dragon Lips.
What's the difference between the calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.
You know you're in the r/science subreddit when [removed]
What flies around your light at night  and can bite off your head ? A tiger moth !
Don't you love followers that don't acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
What did Adele say when the chicken crossed the road? Hello from the other side...
What's the latest Irish invention? A helicopter ejector seat
Why is a baby like an diamond? Because it's a dear little thing.
You should not disagree with my spear It has a point.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?
Rattlesnakes and Condoms ...two things I don't fuck with.
Why Couldn't Hellen Keller Drive? Because she is a woman.
I like my women how I like my coffee... Drunk.
Why do men act like idiots? Who says they're acting?
What's the best thing to have in a hairy situation? A razor.
Why do Italians wear gold chains? So they know where to stop shaving.
Why dont men like...nsfw Why don't men like... Prison? Butt rape. Aliens? Anal probes. Doctors? Prostate exams. Gays? Well I think you see where I'm going here.
My cardio is mostly just running out of excuses not to exercise.
Who is the new member of the X-MEN Caitlyn Jenner
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I've never pretended to be something I'm not... Except sober. I've pretended to be sober before.
Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women? He wanted a Czech mate.
It's like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.
"Pumpkin spiceberg, literally right ahead!" -White girl Titanic
So I Was Going to Kill Myself But I hear whales are endangered.
What's a blind mans favorite car? A cataract
Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.
If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn't at work.
I used to work at Human Relations in the coal industry, but I got tired of all the miner details.
Ken walks into a bar... ..bie doll.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
After an argument with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I don't like to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning's church service.
I was gonna put on my watch. But I didn't have the time.
ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too DATE:wow we should all meet up [cut to us at a house of mirrors] DATE: your brother is quiet
Ariel: "But I love him, daddy!" *sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*
Why was 6 afraid of 9? Because 9 was still alive.
what do you call a gay sloth? Slow-mosexual
Calm down penguins. You're just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Punctuation is the difference between "Love trumps hate"... and "Love Trump's hate."
I currently live in a college apartment with four other dudes... we go through toilet paper like Hitler went through the Jews
LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills. ME: I think the line is 'particular'. LIAM NEESON: Nope! *He rollerblades away juggling dogs*
I've squirted this entire bottle of No More Tears shampoo in this babies face, he's still crying, babysitting is hard.
What do you get when you cross a black and a mexican? Someone who's too lazy to steal.
What is Trump's favourite movie? Wall-E.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One or two? ....One? ...or two?
What was Hitler's favorite drink? Jews
Whats the difference between a black person and a pizza. A pizza can feed a family of 4
Roses are red Violets are blue Who shit in my garden?
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone's head.
I can control sheep by just listening to them It's true, I heard them with my own ears
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
What's the difference between a tire and 1000 used condoms? One is a good year and the other is a great year.
The female praying mantis devours her male within minutes of mating, whereas ... the female human stretches it out over a lifetime!
How many antisocial guys does it take to change a flat tire? Fuck you!
For all the downvoters GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
There are two pronunciations for uranus. Ur-anus and Ura-nus I prefer ur-mom
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands!
Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because Oct31 = Dec25
My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Why are Women and Children evacuated first in a Disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.
Geologists look for the same thing in rocks and girls Cleavage
Everyone's a feminist until they're stuck on a sinking ship.
There is no good path to take when you come to a spork in the road.
Why are giraffes' necks so long? Because their heads are so far from their bodies.
What's the worst part about having Alzheimer's? To get to the other side
So, a catholic priest comes on a playground...
Hit snooze until the panic sets in.
I knew you would come crawling back to me. Shut up and give me back the wheelchair.
Rehab is for quitters, and Lindsay Lohan is no quitter.
If there are two things Trump voters hate... The first is being called, "racist." And the second is black people.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy's bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing. - two things I've learned the hard way
My Jewish employee wasn't very good at his job so Isaac'd him.
Did you hear about the man who took so much LSD he started spontaneously speaking Italian? It was a wopping dose.
Ronda Rousey in her latest match.. She really did suffer the agony of da feet.
*rings doorbell* hmm... not sure if it rang *waits 2 hours before ringing again so I don't seem impatient*
HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid? Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid. HR... Me: There's no past tense with that one.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him!
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk
If your rape whistle doesn't work you're fucked.
If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he'll shoot, tell my family I died a hero... #hero #cootertales
Two deer walk into a bar... The first deer says, "Hey, wanna go to a party?" The second one says, "I'm game!"
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens? Because they kept saying "Bach, bach, bach"
What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A little get together.
Why did the water turn into steam? It mistbehaved
Officer: Did u know your back light is out Me: I don't know if you noticed... I'm inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Sex is like cookies... ...gotta ask for consent first.
Who the fuck said, "Less is more"? You know what is more? More, damn it!
What sounds like a joke, but isn't funny? an anti-joke.
Who needs a security system when you can just Google Earth your house and keep hitting refresh.
I wish I was your derivative, So I can lie tangent to your curves.
What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ? A cry for Alp !
Why was Biggie hungry at school? He forgot Tupac his lunch! *knee slap*
Why does Trump wear a hairpiece? Because he thought the kids on the roller coaster were making fun of him when they shouted "Donald, duck!" Yep.
What breaks every time you give it to a toddler? Their pelvis.
I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.
Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
Gay dude was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner, "This year we should try Greece." His partner looks up and ask him. "Whts wrong with the Vaseline?"
What did the bullfighter shout just as a bull gored his guts out? Ole shit!
What do you call a pig who is a rapper Piggy Smalls
You really shouldn't label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Donald Trump in a submarine Soldier " Sir! The enemy is attacking, we're under fire!" Trump "relax soldier... We're under water..."
Teacher: Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich? Me: Because the poor didn't have any fucking money.
Joke What comes after 69?
"What's an FAQ?" is probably an FAQ.
Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land never waves back.
So I found out about this huge magnet near my house. It's called a Walmart and it pulls all the fat people in my town close to it.
What do you call a bar in Star Wars? A space bar.
There was this story on overcrowded animal shelters... I just couldn't put it down.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool. So I gave him a cup of water.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald's application
What did the lesbian vampires say to each other? Seeya next month!
"You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica." - people without kids
Why are London buses red? Because they have to come every 10 minutes
Correlation and causation are used together often, so that must mean that the word "correlation" must cause people to use the word "causation"
Did you hear what the ridiculous fraction ordered for lunch? I don't know either but I heard she tried to halve split-pea soup and pay with a quarter.
A grasshopper walks into a bar So the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally... because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.
Where do angles go for fun on the weekends? To watch movies in the THETA
Where would men be without women? The Garden of Eden
How does Kanye make Kim Kardashian's eyes twinkle? He shines a flashlight in her ear.
What kind of ant can you colour with ? A crayant !
Wife: "Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia's gold bikini?" Me: [nervously tightening my robe] "Who would do that?"
"Hey man what happened to you, you look like you've been in a fight?" - "You should see the other guy..." "He was fucking huge, I didn't stand a chance"
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? [NSFW] Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash and resell her crack.
I don't like my masseuse... She just rubs me the wrong way.
How do they perform abortions at Hogwarts? Fetus Deletus
My parents are so impressed with my brothers daily 10 minute workout. I can do it in 8.
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their face.
why do people swerve I love running over stuff
What do you call a boat full of Karma? An Upboat.
[Tornado siren blaring] Wife: Let's go to the basement. Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet. Wife: Me: I'll bring you a salad.
A blonde leans against a tree and the tree collapses... The cleverer give in.
I met my soulmate. She didn't.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen? Me: Sure! *looks in purse* *pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat* Me: Sorry, no pen. :(
"Please don't do this," I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Virgins everywhere are fucking nowhere.
What's the best thing about a woman? She doesn't have a dick! I'm so, so sorry.
Do you charge for circumcisions? No, I only take tips
Why do people carry around umbrellas? Because they can't carry themselves
Malaysia Airlines special offer Now with more bang for your buk!
Why is Dick Clark a favourite star with horses? Because he was a disk jockey from Filly!
Bruce Jenner's Gender. . . Is turning into a real Brucehaha
Being bummed that you finished your sandwich only to remember that you haven't even taken a bite of it yet must be what Heaven is.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet.
Why can't you tell secrets in a corn field? Because, corn has ears!
Losing your virginity is a lot like learning to ride a bike... Dad is holding you from behind the whole time
Did you hear about all the bears that got laid off from Chanel 6? (xpost /r/BearJokes) Turns out they were bad news bears.
Dear God, I asked about atheism today.
Why did Walt Disney visit a mechanic? He wanted to get his Car tuned
What do West Virginians call a pretty woman? A  tourist.
Why God impregnated Mary? Because instead of "Oh Joseph! Cum in me!", Mary said "Oh God! Cum in me!"
Shameless Bachelor Joke Theft Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware store? He wanted to find a tight seal!
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
My expertly timed eclipse joke will put all the others in the shade.
Why was the topologist confident about performing a vasectomy? Because open balls are in his neighborhood
/r/jokes wins Friend of the Planet award! for 95.002% of recylced content.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards Because if they fall forward they fall in the boat dumbass.
Hey everyone. I created a new word today. Plagiarism.
The five second rule doesn't apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
iSpy, with my little "i" a lawsuit from Apple for trademark infringement.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought "oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!"
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. "To fight the Decepticons," I said. She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.
What gets wetter as it dries your mom
do you sell wasps? a man goes into a pet shop and asks "how much are your wasps" the pet shop owner replies "we don't sell any wasps" "what about the one in the window"
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Everybody Knows. No one should have been upset when Whitney Houston died in her bathtub. Everybody knows black people can't swim.
How many photos of Kanye West do you suppose Kanye West has on his phone? More than 1,000?
Why do black people have bigger penises? TestosTyrone
I'm so happy I finally tied the knot. Now I've just got to kick the chair she's standing on and I'm a free man!
How are Roman Polanski and pimples similar? Both cum on your face when you're 13. How are Roman Polanski and body hair similar? Both cum on your ass when you're 13.
When people show me pictures of their kids, I show them pictures of my exes If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv.. ...and I thought "is that one mine"? Then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
Back in the day, I took $5 to the store and came out with.. 3 bags of chips, a pack of snickers, 2 bottles of coke, a newspaper and a bottle of whisky. And today? CCTVs everywhere!
Why was the Gungan sent back in time by the Weeping Angel? He Jar Jar Blinked.
What do you call a Muslim Elvis Impersonator? Alam Shookup.
Do they still call it hump day in prison?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately. Probably because I wear his name tag when he's not there.
Why did the bank robber go to the chiropractor? Because he had a crook in his neck.
Somebody please tell ugly girls with opinions that nobody is listening.
Why did the car swerve off the road? It hit the chicken. Bazing!
If we all just agree that we're fine, we'll never again have to ask each other how we are.
TIFU by paying $7.99 a month to Hulu Plus instead of Netflix... Whoops, wrong sub.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.
Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head
I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC.
Why do farts smell? So the deaf can enjoy them.
I like racists jokes the same way that I like black people I don't like racists jokes.
Attachment isn't when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it, THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I ask that my remains me kept in an urn... ...and whoever keeps the urn squirts some lotion in there periodically because you guys know I can't stand being ashy.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
What did the oxygen atom say to the two hydrogen atoms? Man! This threesome is getting me wet!
My new years resolution is 1200x800
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
I heard you like Wendy's?.... When DEEZ nuts in your mouth!
How do Latino singers warm up? Do Re Mi Fa Sol La Ti No
I like my women like I like my wine.. 12 years old and locked up in a cellar.
Ok children, what sounds did we hear on our field trip to the farm yesterday?..."Moo!" "Bahhh!" "Quack Quack"..."Get the Fuk off that tractor!!!"
I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching "How to tell if your baby is black in the womb."
Can someone please explain this joke to me "It shoulds be spelled 'colllllllllllllege cause ive taken far more than 2 L's" My friend sais L means loses but loses of what
What was one thing Nicholas the 2nd of Russia not good at? Czarcasm.
Sometimes I get to lazy to fini
Two strips of film are talking in a bar One says to the other "Why don't you and I go find a dark room and see what develops?"
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Research says that if you're afraid of spiders, you're most likely to find them in your bedroom. I'm afraid of men with accents so...
Why did Insane Clown Posse never learn about magnets? They're repulsive!
What's a Scottish cannibal's favorite food? Mac in cheese
My girlfriend says I have compulsive lying disorder... ...she's right; I don't have a girlfriend.
How did Paul McCartney get Linda pregnant? C Moon
What's the difference between fish and meat? If you beat your fish, it will die.
Why did the Bloody Mary need a restraining order? Celery Stalks.
king kong would have done better at work if he perfected his elevator pitch. yea, that one's a zero.
Why did the chicken cross the road? "Why?" To get to the gay-cunt's house. Knock knock. "Who's there?" The chicken.
I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
Friends from school are like hot dogs You have them because they're there, not because you love them
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Flush
A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail. He took a sip and said "Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"
A hooker and a priest walk into a spaceship... It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back.
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
How do you make a tiramisu? With a thousand Gigamisous
Joke A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
Reddit, what is your best one-two line joke? I heard one recently, what do you get when you put TNT in a bra? Tit bits.
Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.
What do tou get when you cross a Rooster and a Cat Sex
My Mexican teacher asked for a 2 page essay, he wasn't happy when I brought him Juan. Thought this up in the car and thought the nice people of the Internet would want to know :)
A Physics teacher was talking about the velocity of a falling ball A student asked, "Is it an African ball or an European ball?"
Cat: who? Me: what? Cat: when? Me: where? Cat: how? Me: Cat: we need a life Me: we Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you Me:
What do fish smoke? Seaweed
What literary genre is Frozen? Bildungsnowman. (OC)
How many people live in South America? A Brazillion
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed
Neil deGrasse Tyson will no longer be hosting NOVA. Looks like they had to cut deGrasse.
How do you get out of the stomach of an elephant? Run around until you get pooped out
KNOCK KNOCK "I am already owning one."
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino...  \ _ ()_/ 
"Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I'm headed to the bar."
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
What do you call a Kiwi with one leg? Not even bro.
Did you hear the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.
What do you call a Roman with pubic hairs stuck between his teeth? Glad-he-ate-her.
Schrodingers cat walks into a bar with no windows alone eventually he walks out drunk and sober.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory :(
If you can pull off a lip ring, you should. Like literally. Pull it off your face.
What did the fisherman do on his date? Netfish and krill
What's faster than the speed of light? The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*
If you're ovulating and have sex standing up... Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had. Yep, home schooling has its perks.
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a female track team? One is a cunning bunch of runts...
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature? Me: Well, I've spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
What's the useless skin around the vagina called? The woman.
What does it mean if you look down and see four balls instead of two? Careful, you might be getting screwed.
Yesterday, I got food poisoning I don't know when I'll use it
[100 year old man on job interview] "Do you have any references?" Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
What did the hamburgers say to the butcher who  acted on a TV show? Welcome back Cutter!
Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength. Her: You're an idiot.
Is Lobster Bisque a good rap name?
My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding... He's not happy about it either...
What's tennis players favourite  city? Volley wood!
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: [Sound effect - - gagging noises]
When a Black Hole Crosses Your Path Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
So a little boy and a child molester are walking though a forest in the middle of the night. The little boy says,"I'm scared." So the Molester says,"You're scared? I've gotta walk back alone!"
A group of boulders joins Facebook... ...hikers and mountain climbers stay inside on Mondays and Wednesdays.
I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
Mom I am 15 now, can I finally wear a bra? No John.
No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face.
I have been a prostitute for 40 years and I only have one piece of advice. Always enjoy the small things.
[At the Grand Canyon] Me: I L o v e T h i s P l a c e [ECHO] [ECHO] GC: Let's just be friends
Food is like dark humor. Not everybody gets it.
How many BLM protestors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.
My X-gf has a really big heart. I have to give her that. She needs it, to pump all the ice water around.
What happened to the cow when she tried to jump over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
What did the humanistic psychologist say at Freud's funeral? He died at such a Jung age.
How do you get a blonde to break her nose? Place your dick under a glass table
"Don't tell me how to raise my cat!," I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth
Why did the stupid racing car driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix? He was asking for directions.
Why don't you starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that's why he isn't coming back.
What's Donald Trumps favourite album? "The Wall" by Pink Floyd
I'm on a seafood diet... Anything I see, I eat
Do I believe in climate change? Uhh yeah I believe... it DOESN'T EXIST AHH HAHA (a fiery gull falls out of the sky) HAhaha hey fire bird
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out? Because they took Pita on them
The music composer at my school is suffering from Cancer. He's in the hospital being fed through a tuba.
A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells: DONT JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL
"Nah, you can push the gas. We got seatbelts." - Paul Walker's last words
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the Jaw.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Whats a Drummers favorite Pokemon? Rattata
Headphone Jack [Removed]
I like my women like I like my wine... 12 years old and locked in a cellar
Why did the sausage beat his kids? For being little brats.
I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks. I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.
Fiance' works at an old folks home and said that they had the heater up to far all day. I guess you can say that she was... Sweating with the Oldies!
How do you stretch your back? "I don't know." **shrugs*
Doctor: You seem to be in  excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
What did the Jewish lady with Alzheimer's ask her husband? Why doesn't our daughter ever come home for Christmas?
A man drops a nail, which rolls under his bed, so he goes down under. This begs the question of why he decided to go to Australia to get a new nail instead of searching under his bed.
Wake and bake and bake and bake and bake and bake - really busy pothead chefs daily itinerary
What do you call an empty jar of cheez whiz? Sheez was!
Why should you never hire a Jewish plumber? They all seem to get a bit weird around showers.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
A bird flew in my bathroom window when I was peeing.. We stared at each other's peckers.
I once stood 2 Twix bars up. Allahu Snackbar! (It was originally "Allahu Akbar", but u/Disagreeing_Man made it funnier.)
Why do melons tend to have large weddings? They cantaloupe
What do you call an Egyptian with a gastrological disorder? Toot Uncommon.
Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, "Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"
Watching a film about Princess Diana.. And Diana says "if we are lucky we will grow old" and my sister turns around and says bluntly and without a hint of a smile, "you won't"
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin! It squashed all of my doubts... And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
How do little german children tie their shoes? In little nazis!
before you do a horrific crime, double check whether you could get the death penalty for it and if so whether you really want to do it
Why was The Joker's US Passport application denied? Passports require proof of US citizenship and The Joker is a fictional character.
What is Jack the Rippers favorite restaurant? Chick Fillet
What do you call a Redhead who dyes her hair Blonde? TransGinger
What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand? They think long and hard before they touch weiner.
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Men are like parking spots... The good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
A time traveler walks into a bar The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into a bar
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There's liquor and you can't hear them.
Zencrafters.... Total enlightenment, in about an hour.
How do you know when an Australian prisoner is raping another prisoner? When they're in an inmate mate
There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who know how to count, and those who don't.
Tried seducing my wife with a 'lil strip tease. She said it was going well right up until I got naked and spread my butt cheeks in her face.
My gay friend was up all night studying for his AP tests he was full of AP-ness
My friend decided to cut out whiskey... ...but he's Stella heavy drinker.
If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Someone told me I have no sense of humor I don't get it
My wife is an angel A man tells his friend, "My wife is an angel." His friend replies, "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
The only sex a priest got on Friday... Was nun!
Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.
Sorry, I'm way too tired to do anything tonight. I just need to take a shower, get to bed early, then look at stuff on my phone until 4 AM.
Is this a coincidence or did a Brazilian design the FIFA logo Is [this](http://i.imgur.com/3eTWAuQ) or is this not a facepalm??
Why are gay men so well dressed? ~~7~~ They didn't spend all that time in the *closet* doing nothing!
Ever had a yellow snowcone? Urine for a treat!
What do you call a money lender who lives in the ocean? A loan shark!
Knock knock Who's There? Adjust. Adjust who? Adjust lost the game.
So, I have a black girlfriend now Burnt the shit out of my hand on the stove...
The highest form of flattery A plateau
s/o to the first person who saw a horse and was like "YO i wanna sit on that thing and make it take me places"
Pantsing people is fun but it sucks when you accidentally look deep into their butthole, thru the tip of their penis and out the other side.
I am probably single....because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008
why couldn't the rabbi eat out during passover? His girlfriend had a yeast infection
As I was driving home I saw a black man carrying a TV down the street... Nervously, I had to wonder if it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes
What do you call the day before Christmas Eve? Christmas Adam
Why don't Asians get constipated? Because of their frequent bow movements.
Why do vegetarian chefs type with their feet? Because they have great toe fu.
Our relationship is like an extra chromosome It's all downs from here
My Vietnamese friends just got married, but by coincidence share the same last name so there was no hassle... It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
Two guys were fighting with guns... Two guys were fighting with guns. Then one of them died laughing very heartily. Why? Because the bullet hit his armpit. (told to me by my son)
FARMER: can I help you, sir? ME: this ain't my first rodeo, buddy FARMER: [narrows eyes] ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
What do you call a open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment. Potpourri. Sorry :P Boss told me this yesterday.
What's the name of West Virginia's version of Winnie the Pooh? Gummy Bear
Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also..
Two self-driving cars, certain of their inevitable collision, calculate the Klout scores of their passengers to decide which ones to save.
A man walks into a bra He is a bit dyslexic
WIFE: Please take the trash out ME: Ok *later that night* ME: I'm having a nice time TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals converted to Islam (stop me if you've heard this...) He is now know as Kareem-Of Wheat
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else's house.
Go away bee, don't bother me. A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Why don't girls have beards? It's in their "jeans" ;)
And the Lord said unto John "come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and got a toaster.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I'm okay with Trump becoming president His hands are so tiny, he can't hold a pen to sign any bills
I'm that asshole who puts an "o" at the end of a word and calls it Spanish.
I collect coins and old paper money. For our anniversary, my wife surprised me with a $1,000 bill! Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he's a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?
Dinner with Drag Queens So, I went to a Potluck with a bunch of drag queens. When the food was finally served, the host stood up and said, "Tuck in!"
I misspelled armageddon the other day... But I guess it's not the end of the world
My wife told me to go out and come back with something that made her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I'd like my obituary headline to read: "Local Man's Struggle With Upstairs Wireless Printer Is Over."
I never buy Velcro It's such a rip off.
Doctor Doctor I feel like a  dog! Sit!
I wonder if people in 3rd world countries know that we can choose between crushed and regular ice cubes.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A computer accepts a 3.5 in. floppy.
Double standard - bear breaks into girl's house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear's house, we write a children's story about it.
Being a worm must great. Its like "wow that dirt was great I hope there's more" and there always is
I'd make a great housewife. I'd boil you a chicken every night. I'd boil you so many meats.
My phone died doing what it loves: dying.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Won a time machine on Ebay. Disappointed when I received a clock.
Kids don't listen! I've told mine a hundred times to fall off the top of the slide during recess so we can sue the school.
I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.
PMS Jokes aren't funny. Period.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breath idiot, breath!
the 7 dwarves got into a hot tub they all started feeling happy so he got out
Knock Knock Who's there ! Barbara ! Barbara who ? Barbara black sheep have you any wool...!
Why does George Bush not know how to read? Because he was a stupid twat who should have never become president.
I just got my first grey hair. This is the last time I let grandma cook dinner for me.
Just for fun they should have the next Olympics in Ireland so they can call it the O'lympics.
She's not a slut... She's just a weiner connoisseur.
I didnt just read it I Reddit
Answering all the 'how r u' DM's with 'I got my period' is going surprising well
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word "slimming", I explain to the other homeless people.
Happy Fourth of July Guys! I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight. It was like a Dateline episode. "He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped."
I'm so good at this Fitbit thing! I reached my daily step goal before I even left my bed this morning!
A man was complaining to a friend. "I had it all. Money a beautiful house a BIG car the love of a  beautiful woman then POW! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out."
Royal flushes aren't very common. The Queen's homes must stink.
If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.
Yes Yes Yes !!! Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt. The man says, "A beer please, and one for the road!"
julia!!!! sorry , i am a gay ...
What did the boy say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while playing tag? Na-na boo-boo
Did you here about the pizza place that when bankrupt? I guess they weren't making enough dough
I always avoid talking about bungee jumps when meeting new people... I just find it creates a lot of tension.
Have you guys seen the trailer for that new Moby Dick movie? I think it looks like a huge flop.
Last night I had an Ant on me... Okay, I guess she was more of a Cougar.
You can't let me into the club? Maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin can persuade you... *comes back 45 mins later in a bad wig, holding a kite*
Why did the children cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
When I grocery shop for the wife I always buy cucumbers smaller than me, just in case.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn't be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, "EAT YOUR CEREAL!" for example.
The poster for a Homeless shelter's charity orchestra night reads... Come on down to the shelter and blow some Oboes!
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no...
What did the elephant say that was pulled out of a mud pit by the balls? Thank you Mrs. Ball, thank you Mr. Ball. It should be assumed I saw myself out.
Do you think Professor that my wife should take up the piano as a career? No I think she should put down the lid as a favor.
What's the difference between America and Europe? In America, we call our inbred hillbillies. In Europe, they call them royals.
So a quadriplegic amputee went... Absolutely nowhere.
9: You like Twitter Dad? Me: Yep 9: I'll join and be your friend. M: Cool, extra math is great! 9: It's a math thing? M: yep 9: nevermind
I made a new company, selling landmines that look like prayer mats Prophets are through the roof.
Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44  bus? She took the 22 twice instead.
It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall.
He tells the punchline first. What's the worst thing about a time traveling comedian?
My Korean friend died yesterday... So Yung...
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn't want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Why are doritos triangular? Because they are illuminachos.
What do you call a prostitute who does both men and women? An omniwhore.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
Did you know that NASCAR fans are the easiest people to make fun of? As soon as they start chasing you down, all you have to do is turn right.
What is Donald Trump's least favorite '80s band? Foreigner
How do you distinguish a French tank from a British tank? The rear-view mirrors
We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown. - the government
My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury. I'm better today though, no worries.
I tried writing some jokes on Weed But I was too high to remember to write them down
Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It's always "KILL" or "MURDER" or "YOU'RE OUT OF NUTELLA"
I once asked a girl if she smoked after sex. She said "I don't know, I've never looked"
Went to fight.. Hockey game broke out.
Why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering? Because they can't put their finger on it.
I try not to let facts or sound reasoning get in the way of a good rationalization.
Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my  birthday . . .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
(commercial for drugs) Man: Nothing is working out in my life VO: Have you tried drugs? Man: (startled) Who said that Narrator: "Drugs"
When a woman says she doesn't want a boyfriend what she really means is that she doesn't want you
How do make a car top? 'Tep on the brake 'tupid.
I'm very English. I ordered a book off the internet the other day called "How to have nothing to do with your neighbours" Unfortunately, I was out when it arrived...
I play my women like I play the cello. I don't play the cello.
Did you hear about the new 8bit Nazi Simulator game? It's called Eightolf Bitler.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalatapus
Why should you never buy ukrainian underwear? Chernobyl fallout.
that sad moment when you return to your normal life after watching an awesome movie
What do you say to the cashier when you're adamant about using an expired coupon? dis counts!!
IF you feel cold if you ever get cold just stand in a corner for a bit. they are usually around 90 degrees.
Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.
I met an obsessive-compulsive sodomite once. He was anal-retentive.
How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it? Play the piano until you find the right key.
My wife can't cook so she asked me for help in baking a cake. I told her to separate 2 eggs... She put one in the bedroom and one in the bathroom.. Ijit.
How do astronauts make a party? They plan-et.
What did God say to Jesus? This lawn ain't gonna mow itself.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!? Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
As I stood under the running water in the shower I couldn't help but think of those poor, thirsty kids in Africa. It made me cum faster.
How to respond when asked if you watched the Super Bowl. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
If I got 1$ for every failed math exam... I'd have $ 10.30 now.
Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength? M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: [Removes mask to reveal that he was actually the interviewer the whole time]
I lost my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
What about that new beer... by Peter Cotton Ale? It's made with more hops!
My favorite letter is elamenopee.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship? A: Let's get on the ship, men!
I just violated myself in the shower. I didn't want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.
GUY: How do you make a living? FRANKENSTEIN: make a living what?
She: In the future, can you please put the seat down? Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?
Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair? Because she wanted to rock and roll.
[NSFW] Why do the things Donald Trump says always sound fishy? Melania needs to douche.
Where did Josh Duggar take his first Ashley Madison date? Subway
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It's official, I've been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*walks into work 20 minutes late* *boss glares at me* "Sorry. Traffic." *boss gestures to my Starbucks cup* "Oh this? I found it."
I want to to to tell you a pun. That's two to too to.
Whats the difference between a noose and a leash? How high you tie it on a tree.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it
I had a dream that a priest took a dump on my front lawn holy shit
I missed your birthday because I didn't log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
What happens if you play a country song backward? You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.
I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I  went out with. I dyed my hair !
Have you heard about the new viagra eye drops? It makes you look hard
What does God call his nose? God knows.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking! jk... rolling
1 in 3 homicides start with a passive aggressive note. But of course you are too busy to read it.
What do you call that useless bit of skin around the vagina? The woman.
What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eyes? Chicken ceaser salad.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
"Give it here!" "No, it's mine!" "it's my turn!" "you had it last!" "come on gimme it!" "no way!" "but it's my go!" Siamese twins having a wank.
Did you hear the one...? Did you hear the one about the Concubine and the Muse...? Fucking Inspirational...!!!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it's not necessary to show it off.
I wonder how people who are tired of working in the jade business describe their attitude.
Why should you hire a drag queen to help clean your garage? They know how to tuck away junk.
Ultimately, even the mighty invincible Achilles was killed with a bowshot to his foot. Time wounds all heels
The guy who told me I sucked at tennis puns is failing as a comic. Serves him right.
Helping a friend So I got a text from my friend this morning telling me he was going to kill himself. Do I reply? Or just leave him hanging.
What does 100% humidity mean? Even dry farts feel like wet farts.
What do you call a pair of snakeskin trousers? Serpants.
Why didn't Herbert Hoover get re-elected? Because he sucked.
What is another term for ob gyn? A Klingon! since obstetrician gynaecologist is too long, and OB GYN doesn't make sense ,lets call them Klingons
Just got a Hyundai Accent and now I sound like a Korean guy.
Knock Knock Who's there? No bitches
I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.
So a. Mormon and a Catholic walk into a bar... And there goes your middle class.
Wanna hear a joke about a piece of paper ? Nevermind , it's tearable.
What do you call a pregnant nun who cycles to church everyday? No seriously, a friend asked me this and I didn't know.
"How far have you gone with a girl?" "I went to Canada with my mum once"
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Last words of an electrician... ... "the fuck dis cable?"
What do you call a Asian born in Canada Ehsian
If revenge is a dish best served cold What do I do when my best friend serves me ice cream?
Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in  common? A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both  f*cked.
My sense of humor has been described as "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"
What does the electron say to the resistor? Ohm my god you're impeding me. *initiate knee slap
No matter how busy I am at work, I'm never too busy to complain about how busy I am at work.
69% According to studies, 69% of all people have dirty minds.
Why was the one y.o. Ethiopian child crying? Because he was having his mid-life crisis.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it's a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Man: "I think I saw a UFO last night" UFO with fake moustache: "Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something"
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Me (said to my friend over the phone): "Is it just me... ...or is someone walking behind me"? Friend: "No, it's just you".
What do you get when you cross a stock broker, a detective, and an alligator? An investigator.
If you're a necrophiliac sadomasochist who enjoys beastiality... You may as well give it up, you're flogging a dead horse.
"So,why r all Arabs terrorists?" 'All?' "Well,most." 'There's 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you'd be dead' #ArabInAmerica
[during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all
Do you believe in love at first site? A boy asked a girl: "Do you believe in love at first site?". The Girl replied, "No". The boy phewed and said: "We should meet again then". Ultimate Thug Life.
4 stages of a relationship: 1) Hand in hand 2) That in hand 3) Hand in that 4) That in that
My ass is a better cook than me because... At least what it makes is supposed to taste like shit.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
[getting car jacked] umm i know i'm supposed to resist and all but if we don't cooperate we're both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results.. What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?
"Poop fast and they'll think u only peed." -advice I give my kids.
imagine explaining a magazine to a teen today "yeah it's four bucks, there's like 900 words on 32 pages, and you'll get another next month"
How do you know when your best friend is gay? [NSFW] His dick tastes like shit.
Math problem: I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now? "Oh, I do not know, DIABETES MAYBE!"
What happened when Bluto went to Mount Olive? Popeye got pissed
on star trek every time they beam down to a new planet they get their tricorders out to find somewhere to go on yelp
Bear Grylls is hunting his next meal He carefully makes his bow and arrow, finds rabbit prints and follows them. After 3 hours he finds the rabbit lines up his shot and missed... Just by a hare.
My girlfriend and I are very different but we share the same body. *Love you Rosy P.*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u *holds up picture of himself* ME: yes POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet ME: dang it
9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
What do you call a pig in a steel foundry? A pig pig.
Did you hear about the lazy pig always making fun of the other pigs? He was always ham-mocking.
*spills water on pants* ok don't let anyone think you peed your pants "hey what happ--" MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Q: What do massage therapists eat for dinner? A: Spa-ghetti.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button you tap on a friend's profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.
Q: How many idiots who ask stupid  questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what?
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? DR.Dre
My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist. I told him to stop being so clothes minded
TIL Doctors can screen for STDs by placing a feather along the skin between the penis and the butthole. Doctors don't use this screening method, however, because the test tickles.
Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.
Conjunctivitis.com Now that's a site for sore eye's!
Accidentally OD'd On Benefiber The other day I accidentally OD'd on Benefiber. Boy, the shit really did hit the fan.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Kill the man Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
when it snows are snowmen ever like holy shit it's my flesh
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.
Why do native american's hate snow? Because it's white &amp; on their land.
Why do scuba divers flip backwards when going into the water? Because if they flipped forwards they'd still be in the boat
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Best Pokemon go pickup line... I'll let you see my Pokemon if I can have a pikachu. This is my first post. Please be kind. :)
It's probably too soon for Ebola jokes on here... ...but when the time comes, I bet they're gonna be killer.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
"I think we should touch other people's faces" - blind break up
Why did Raekwon tha Chef get fired from his job at an oyster bar? Cuz Wu Tang Clan got nuttin' to shuck with.
Why didn't the dog want to play football ? It was a boxer !
wow did you see that premature ejactulation man he came out of nowhere....
Dude you're a dentist. Why am I in stirrups?
Born again Christian I've never understood the term "born again Christian." Is that someone who goes to their mother and says, "Mom, I'm going back in, and I'm not coming out until I've found Jesus."
What insulator has the greatest electrical resistance? your mohm
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My stages of drunk: 1) onstage 2) backstage 3) hostage
What's the longest sentence in the English language? I do.
TIFU by switching up by customer's sandwich orders at Subway Opps wrong sub.
If Tumblr was edible It would have alot of trans fat
[Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
[roommate hears me come in] "how was the date?" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish
What's the difference between tumblr and a gun? The gun has only one trigger
This one earned some cutting remarks. If it weren't for the table saw accident, I wouldn't be half the person I am today.
I went to a restaurant with my wife last night and ordered the Hippo soup. I'm still not sure what I'm going to order for myself.
My friends ask me if I got A haircut I say "no, I got them ALL cut!"
What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go E we go!
What does a puppy and a near sighted gynecologist have in common? Both have a wet nose.
Apparently the Brexit is inspiring other countries to hold their own referenda, and could lead to the breakup of the EU. Could this be The Final Countdown for Europe?
That awesome moment when your best friend likes your Facebook status because they know the story behind it.
What did the conformist say to the Guru? You make me Sikh!
'I'm sorry' and "My bad" mean the same thing ... except at a funeral.
What kind of coffee does an executioner drink? Decap
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested... He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.
I love the rain so fucking much It gets me wet.
I have three daughters. They are Three, Ten and Eleven. I know, I know! These are strange names.
I believe in God and have a sense of humor about it. But when you insist that makes me an idiot, you sound as tolerant as Mel Gibson.
Lying is a sin! I heard a woman lied to her husband about sleeping with another man. Now there's a whole religion over it.
I peed on the elevator. That's wrong on SO many levels.
Three Tampons are walking down the street, which one doesnt talk to you? None of them, they are all stuck up cunts
Why do pedophiles LOVE twenty eight year old boys? Because, DUDE, there's 20 of them!
I'm at my most NASCAR driver when I really have to pee.
Why people cry during the weddings? ...they are preparing for whats coming afterwards
Paris joke (fair warning) Looks like America isn't the only ones who like their french fried. #fuckcommies #fuckterrorism #gofrance #goamerica #laughtoeasethepain
In LGBTQ acronym, "Q" stands for "queer" or "questioning"... It's the "Don't ask, can't tell" sexual orientation.
Whoever coined the phrase "smooth as a baby's bottom" must have been a real creep.
My magic watch say's you don't have any underwear on... Oh, you do?... It must be 15 minutes fast.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb_ You can't know man, you weren't fucking there.
A boy asks his father, "Where's the big storm going?" The father replies, "Miami." The son says, "Is your Ami going to be ok?"
When comedian Jimmy Carr was told by an obese women "I think you're fatist," he responded, "No. I think you're fattest."
[US] Mexican Submarine Destroyed in the Gulf of Mexico Oops wrong sub
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It's just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror. I think that says alot.
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff? tequila
*Ouija board begins spelling* H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E "Ooooh, spooky" G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N "Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else"
A tenner killed a baby it was a new low
[takes a sip at wine tasting] Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.
2 cats are racing across the English Channel, an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux trois." Which cat won the race? A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I'm wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
What do you call a bird born in the 90s? A millennial falcon.
So, what if Mohammed does a self portrait?
Little boy has diarrhea and tells his mom he needs viagra Mom replies " What the hell for?" Boy replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
I wish I were as comfortable with my body as every guy from Jackass is with theirs.
My wife asked me: "What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten." Me: "wedding cake".
I'm not comfortable with my sexuality... but luckily I have a discomfort fetish.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
"Here's Ted with the weather." "..." "I said... Here's Ted with the weather." "..." "Ted?" "THAT's what an unanswered text feels like, Sue."
I wonder if Woody or Buzz have ever met Andy's moms toys. I think it would cause mass confusion as they probably share the same names.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I'm $10,000 in debt.
Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President? She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives? Reposts.
Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
What happens when you put Nutella on salmon? You get salmonella
I just invented a new joke. I just invented a new word. Plagiarism.
What did one sperm say to the other? How are we gonna find an egg in all this shit?!
Someone asked me why my ringtone is the "Like a G6." Up until now I thought it was "Like a cheese stick."
My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
What do you get when you cross a gay man and a Jew? A hit Broadway show. (heard Drew Carey make this joke in a Whose Line blooper reel)
What does it mean when a lion roars? Shut up. The movie is about to start.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
Two hookers on a corner.... One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?". The second one thinks for a second and says "No, but I once got swung around by the nipples"
Teeth are always in style!
"He bat batly down the bat, but the bat turned bat before he got bat." Mad Libs with Batman is boring.
Dairy farmers are always complaining about the wages they get paid... To be honest, I think they're milking it
What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading
Be nice to bacteria... they're the only culture some people have.
Ever meet those people that say your name in a really high pitched voice to be super annoying? I think I just stabbed one. Call my lawyer.
There's a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it's important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm... Idiot
"sir we don't hire people to be mannequins" Me:*strikes mannequin pose* "No, sir we don-" M:*new pose* [under breath] "damn this guys good"
Canadians pack your bags We have another immigration crisis
One day my kids are gonna be like "please let us off the roof" and ill reply "400 on black" because ill be at a roulette table far far away.
What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over thehill while wearing sunglasses? Nothing. He did not recognize them.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
welcome to denny's. don't eat that brown stuff. that's tables
I hate autocorrect... It always makes me say things I don't Nintendo.
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital? In the ICU.
Why did Snoop Dogg get arrested? Embezzlement
Why did the hipster burn himself? Because he played with fire before it was cool.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Callum ! Callum who ? Callum all black !
[buying treadmill] Me: Can I try it out first? Salesperson: Sure Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall* Call for a good time!? This is outrageous! *crosses out good; writes in GREAT* There. Fixed.
What is the square root of 69? -*ate* somethin'.
If you feel like your parents didn't hug you enough as a child then it's probably because they didn't really want you. Good talk.
I tried to reason with the poop smudge in my toilet bowl. The whole thing was pointless, it just got pissed off anyway.
Do you know why it was called the 'Dark Ages'? Because of all the knights!
If you start a conversation with "you're gonna say I'm crazy" there's nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance? Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame.
Jesus told Peter, "Peter, come forth and receive my eternal blessing" But Peter came fifth and had to eat the biscuit
I was going to buy a drawbridge But apparently they're let downs.
What did the buffalo say to his son when leaving for college? bison
I just sneezed so violently, I think it qualifies as an ab workout. (Screw you, I'm counting it.)
Why does a Belgian have a knife in his car? To cut the corners!
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
How many Reddit mods does it take to change a lightbulb?[FIXED] [removed]
"Dad, what's the difference between love and lust?" - Well, ya know your teddy bear? "I love it" - While you're at school, the dog lusts it.
Why are giraffes so tall? Because cheetahs are faster.
What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor I'm sorry....
My family treats me like a god They only talk to me when they want something.
I'm not racist, I hate ALL black people.
What happens after Amy Chua? Amy Swallowa.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cellar ! Cellar who ? Cellar. No I think she can be repaired !
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before...
My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers.
What did the werewolf write at the bottom of the letter? Best vicious . . .
Snooki's kind of like Hurricane Sandy... She's large, slow-moving, an has blown just about everyone in the Jersey Shore.
You know what really brings out the child in me? Abortion.
Pizza Hut is very consistent... The pizza tastes exactly like the box it comes in.
Where do they weigh whales? At the whale weigh station of course.
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it'll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Why did god invent patchouli? So blind people can hate hippies too.
What do you call a black guy who discriminates against white people? A racist you racist.
Why should you name your son Jackson? Because naming him Jacksoff would be embarrassing.
The difference between a comedian and a psycopath is good delivery
Yo girl, are you from UPS? Cause I saw you checkin' out my package.
Did you hear the one about the baseball player murdered mid-game? He went down swinging!
It's unlucky to glance over your shoulder while wearing a sweater made of rabbit wool... Don't look back in angora.
Vegans can be so uptight. They should learn to take a yolk.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
When do you stop at green, and go at red? when eating watermelon
If Satan lost his hair... ...there would be hell toupe.
Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories? Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you've got their room bugged.
Who was the greatest motherfucker in history? Oedipus.
What is the difference? What its the difference between a quarter and a guy? Neither gets had when you want tail
A three-legged dog hobbles into an old western saloon He limps up to the bartender. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
What do dyslexic zombies want to eat? Brians
My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.
I'm trying, but all the Liam Neeson jokes are taken.
Why doesn't Skrillex like to go fishing? Because he always drops the bass.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Asa ! Asa who ! Asa-int amongst men !
I'm on a whiskey diet... I've already lost three days.
Canada plans on removing the polar bear from the Tonnie. And replace it with two gay deer, it's called two fucking bucks.
a mute tells a deaf person a joke
The priest and the rabbi So, a priest and a rabbi are talking. The priest says:" I recently fucked a little boy." The rabbi responds:" Out of what?"
My grandfather told me that teenagers have become so lazy because of technology. "They're not the only ones," I said, looking at his mobility scooter.
Every kiss begins with 'K' I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Happy April's fools! ... No really, what did you expect?
Why aren't there any Mexicans in China? Because the Chinese know how to build a wall.
I think my wife is changing our son's diapers too often. It says right on the box that they're good for up to 14lbs.
What's a shy and retiring  accountant? An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's  retiring.
Whats the difference between a woman and a battery a battery has a positive side
If you call the suicide hotline in Iraq they ask if you know how to drive a truck.
How do you know if your neighbor is gay? His dick tastes like shit
What did the bisexual man said to his wife? It is not cheating if it is in the ass.
[AMA Request] A hipster who admits he/she is a hipster.
Do you know the difference between 1 minute of oral and 1 minute of anal? Well, do you have 2 minutes ?
I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.
My mom and her church biddies have morphed Facebook's "People you may know" to "People who likely cleaned your face with spit on a hanky."
What is the hardest Part about being a pedophile Fitting in
How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice, take peas and put them around the hole. Now when he comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just shoot the room for being black.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll hang back with these two
My dick was in the Guinness book of world records Then the librarian asked me to take it out
Thinking about making a sitcom where two mermaid guys are roommates and calling it "tuna half men"
My parents said I should watch less movies and read more,so I turned on the subtitles..
What do you call a guy with a big orange nose? Sir. The man has enough on his plate without being treated as a lesser individual by society.
What did the spilled noodles say to the sauce pan? I'm floored!
What's the best thing about escalator jokes The short delivery.
If I asked you if you were dumb, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?
I got arrested for feeding homeless people on the streets the other day... And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.
A Russian boy asks his father... A Russian boy asks his father "Daddy, can I have 5 ruble to buy milk, bread, and vodka?" to which his father replies "20 ruble?! What do you need 50 ruble for?!"
What do call the two midgets who ran an impound lot? Little Seizers
What do you have when you have two small, green balls in your hand? Kermit's undivided
What did the adrenaline addict say to the serial killer? "Why are we even friends?"
What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay? Putin! Putin!
makeup beauty Omg = oh my girl so cute next morning without makeup Omg = ohh My God omg/omg = life without wife
What do you call cheese that's not yours ? Nacho cheese
Why couldn't they show the orchestra concert on TV? There was too much sax and violins.
What do Hillbillies do for Halloween? Pump-Kin
My dad said he couldn't get into Game of Thrones because he doesn't like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
A man walk into a bar and he said "oww"
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still...
I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.
Half Life 3 was going to be released several years ago... ...But the voice actor for Gordon Freeman was supposed to announce it, and no-one can find him.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a scotsman? Mick Jagger says "hey you, get off of my cloud." a scotsman says "hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
Who leaves money under the pillows of children with LGBT parents ? Surely you will have guessed - the brooth fairy.
First World Problems How to create FWP, Get a dog and a boy and throw the boy down the well and go get your dog to save him because you to lazy to do it *AMERICA*
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows, the findings never replicate.
Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.
Wait I had a really good joke about amnesia...
I saw a very odd Middle Eastern market the other day. It was quite bazaar.
Why is Dave Mustaine described as "heavy metal"? Because he sings lead. (Better read than said.)
Police are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog.
I asked my dad if he liked his haircut... He said he didn't at first but it's growing on him.
I keep telling Redditors ADHD doesn't actually exi..... ....hey look, a birdie!
Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can't you moisturize?
It's such a lovely day, even the flowers are singing! Flowers: THE SINS OF OUR FOREFATHERS BIND US TO THE DIRT
"I suffer from CDO ... ...Its like OCD, but in alphabetical order, LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!"
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months
Chuck Norris counted to infinity...... Twice.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass
Waiter waiter! There's a mosquito in my  soup. Don't worry sir mosquitoes have very small appetites !
Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church. They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
Whats the difference between a corvette and a blowjob? Your mom didnt give me a corvette
I'm rich! But not in money, just in read receipts from my ex-boyfriend who never replies!
What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices &amp; access your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It didn't want to get stuck in any cracks.
Why are there no Puerto Rican's in Star Trek? They won't work in the future either.
*calls lost & found* Me: Have you seen my patience? L&F: Hold on a second. Me: *click*
Dear Keebler elves, 100 calorie packs of cookies suck. I hope your tree burns down.
Apparently, Donald Trump is currently being treated for Electile dysfunction and premature congratulations. Isn't it Hillaryous!
When I call 911, I'm gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.
Q: What kind of monkey can fly? A: A hot air baboon.
Subway to release a statement next week In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.
I was in the car with my girlfriend, and I started hearing this annoying whining noise... So my girlfriend got out to look at the engine and I drove off.
Me: guess what I shaved! Him: your armpits? Me: no Him: your mustache? Me: no Him: your nec- Me: I don't wanna play this game anymore
Edward Snowden was discovered trapped inside of one of his ski lodges this Saturday, November 19th. "Edward Snowden Snowed in Snowden Snow Den."
Michael J. Fox got hit by a reversing truck. Don't worry he shook it off.
Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He's so boring! Don't worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted *pulls out seven layer dip*
What does the devil eat in Japan? Sin Pie Edit: TIL There is an actual pie called Sin Pie in the southern states.
I once farted in an Apple store... It's not my fault they don't have windows.
You know how light travels faster than sound? That's why some people seem bright until they start speaking.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Don't believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won't actually stick to someone's face.
I would've thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited 'til it was dark instead.
what does 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for ?
Did you hear about the man in Philadelphia who had a phone stuck up his butt? He was trying to make a booty call!
I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso's Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a  Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin
"I definitely have the biggest penis in this room," I announced drunkenly at the party. Slightly ruined my son's 13th.
At the gym I wear shirts that state "If you are not into Anal, DON'T WASTE MY TIME!!!" I realized how gay that was....after bunch of guys were flocking to me
What does a high school dance have in common with the parking lot at a Keith Urban concert? Lots of bad pickup lines.
"I wasn't that drunk!" "Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story."
Spain's king, Juan Carlos, has stepped down from the throne to make way for his son, who is more popular. Which, by the way, would be the worst "Game of Thrones" episode ever.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? ... to get to the other slide. H/T - my seven year old son.
My son called me 'Marc' I said "That's a little presumptuous. Call me Dad" He replied "Now who's being presumptuous?"
Pick up line#375: hey are you a school? Because i want to shoot kids inside you.
My son was on eBay this morning No bids yet
What do you call blueberries, raspberries and strawberries inside of a hidden chest? Berried Treasure.
I've been reading a book on North African History It's very moorish.
What makes a ghost happy? An elevator. It lifts the spirits.
Server friend was complaining about her pay at local restaurant Server friend was complaining about her job at local restaurant. So I say, "Don't worry. Good things come those who wait."
Just got seen around town doing modern guy stuff like leaning on things, holding my phone & staring disapprovingly at nothing in particular.
Wife: he's always confusing sayings... Therapist: what if you're just misinterpreting him? Me: oooh, check you out playing devil's avocado
A baseball walks into Wimbledon. The announcer yells "Hey, we don't serve your kind"
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
What's the difference between a school teacher and a train? A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.
Why did the blonde pull the dildo out before she came? She wasn't on the pill
My car can only go 68... if it goes 69 the engine blows a rod.
Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired for going on strike? She just didn't give a fuck.
what do you call a comedian who also happens to be a skeleton funny bones
I'm starting a petition to put Michael Jackson on the twenty dollar bill. Actually he would probably prefer to be on the tens.
How do Muslims do foreplay? They tickle the goat on the chin.
*sees gf upset* Me: she looks mad, I should say something Brain: lol tell her she's overreacting Me: ok
Who are the fastest readers? The victims of 9/11. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
Why does #BLM make so many spelling mistakes? Because they got the whites out.
I bought my girlfriend 2 presents for her birthday I got her a new pair of shoes and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?
ok he'res funny joke lol.
Anytime I see a motorcyclist weaving in and out of traffic and performing tricks I always root for the pavement
When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good.
Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany.. Just look for the *gluten tag*.
I like my cream like I like my slaves Whipped
What do you get when you mix pie and onions? Opinions!
3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy? Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired? Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom? Me: 3:
What do you call a king's fart? Noble gas
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday it was a risk I was willing to take
Google Search: -is my toaster broken -can fire ants make toast -bathtub fire, small -house fire, how to stop -is house fire toast a thing?
Me: Wake up son! Son: Just 30 more minutes please Me: I'm borrowing your phone Son jumps of the bed: I'm awake!
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My girlfriend says she needs time and distance Is she calculating velocity?
Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers. And that's just the athletes.
Why do white people own so many pets? Because they cant own blacks
Donald Trump is gonna be the next US President pretty HILLARYous, isn't it
There's three types of people in this world... ...those who are good at math, and those who aren't.
pregnancy tests should just read "pregnant" or "nope just fat"
Why was the young strawberry crying? His parents were in a jam.
If Trump had a brick for every lie Hillary has said He'd be able to build the wall for free.
I wonder what TSA would do if I brought a block of ice through airport security. My physics teacher said it's not a liquid.
I'm sorry you're breaking up [static sound] I'm about to go through a tunnel. Dad, we're right in front of you Uh..... go ask your mom.
If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office... And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.
How did Hitler masturbate? Fureriously.
"Why didn't any of you go back and kill Hitler?" TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935. "Who?" TT: Bingo
Whoever smelt it, dealt it So technically officer, that weed is yours.
Hey. I can't help but peak at chu. It's making my bulbs all sore.
GW... You can say what you want about the Boron but at least he Phosphorus. Also, in jokes the comics _did_ Barium. edit: Hope you get it, Bromine.
How do you know your fridge is going through menopause? It's all out of eggs..
My dad just told me I was conceived in a circlejerk... apparently things got out of hand.
What did the Iraqi boy say to his father when he got home from school? I forgot my Bagdad.
Mom... Are you a virgin?
My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday... Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45
I was telling my therapist I keep dreaming that I'm in a helicopter crash He said I've got black hawk down syndrome
If you were stranded on a deserted island, what's one thing you'd bring with you? A boat.
Damn girl, are you a gibson? Cause I would only use you If I would get paid.
My friends hate me because I make too many Linkin Park references. but in the end it doesn't even matter.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican? E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
Why did your sister jump out the window ? Because she wanted to try out her new spring suit
Why was e^x so lonely at the party? Because every time he tried to integrate, he ended up with himself.
You know, not all Italians are in the mafia. Some are in the Witness Protection Program.
Why does the Asian News Anchor not stand up from behind his desk during presidential races? because he's covering an erection!
People don't hate you because you're beautiful. people hate you because you're a nasty b itch.
I don't know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we've got joint custody of geese
An opening line when you're meeting her parents. I cut back on the alcohol because you should be able to trust a fart at 27.
I don't know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
At the end of the day it's 23:59:59
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp! *Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Geology rocks but making holes in rocks is boring.
I Bought Some Shoes From a Drug Dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day.
Have you heard of the corduroy pillow? Well, its making headlines.
Hanukkah Matata to all Jewish Redditors! It means no worries! Except for the worries you have about disappointing your mother.
You Guys Wanna Hear a Nice Joke? Nevermind it's probably too soon.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he's walking around like a sour puss.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If a DJ has a really good set he'll smash his MacBook at the end
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A chocolate ba-a-a-a
FREEKY BLONDE Blonde1- Hey can I have some of your shampoo? Blonde2- Yeah, why not use yours? Blonde1- Mine is for dry hair and I got it wet already
Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor.
What's the deal with airline food? Buy 2 get 1 free
Man walks into a bar... mitzvah. There was no beer so he left lol
I just did one of those "what noun are you" quizzes... and I got "pedantic", which is an adjective.
Great Scot, Marty! You know what you'd get if I locked myself in a room with the old-me from 1955 and convinced my other self never to build a time machine? A paradox, Marty!
What's the difference between Nine-Eleven and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 14 years straight. Be gentle... it's my cake day :-)
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
a gun is like a blow up doll You get off when you use it .... except it can kill someone.
Please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.
My friends wanted to play a board game but we couldn't find a game that we were all in the mood for. We finally settled on Catan.
What do you need to poop in the forest? Toiletries
Difference between oral and anal What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide] And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
JONATHAN EDWARDS: God abhors a sinner and holds him over the flames of hell like some loathsome insect LOATHSOME INSECT: Wow I'm right here
I will love you 'til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? I couldn't unscrew your mom.
What is black and white and red all over? A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.
How I knew my GF was playing with herself on her period... I caught her red-handed.
my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I wrote to the Bank: "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?"
I've always wanted to be the best dead person ever But the competition is stiff.
what is the difference between love and herpies? Love doesn't last forever.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aretha ! Aretha who ? Aretha flowers !
What's the same between America and Jurassic Park They are both a experiment that ended badly.
Christmas is shit ! Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb? By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it. A long list of viola jokes: http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola.html
Dating advice: Don't just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I always used to ask my mom if I could lick the bowl... ... She'd always say "No! Just flush it like a normal person!"
If I had a dollar for every girl that didn't find me attractive... They'd eventually find me attractive..
It's so quiet in our office you can actually hear the dreams fizzling out.
What colour pants do you need to start a vehicle? Khaki
May I buy half a rabbit? No we don't split hares!
I've been driving for 20 years And I still haven't seen any fast children at play
What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Mexican Word - Bishop My wife fall down and I have to pick the bishop
[i get a phone call] "Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews "This is the police"
the restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang, it just means I can't be within 50'. We could still play catch or frisbee or something...
CBostonC CMarathonC Don't look at me like I'm the first person to add C4 to the Boston Marathon.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion. Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar: Air slap bass Air harmonica Silent pig auctions Balloons hitting people The letter Q
What sways from side to side? Jesus on a rubber cross!
how many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? none. they just beat it for being black!
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in your laundry.
Why are Panda's always sad? Because all their friends are dead.
I grew up thinking my Dad had tourettes.... turns out he just genuinely thought I was a fucking cunt.
Was George Michael an organ donor? Because he's gonna be pissed when he hears what happend to his heart.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you. Me: He didn't. But watch this. [I make the doll do a backflip] Judge: Holy shit lol
McDonald's sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Dark humour is like food. Not everybody gets it.
When asked, 'Are you Twittering?' if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.
How do you titillate an ocelot? .... .... You oscillate its tit a lot
County lockup has been a lot more fun since they started giving out temporary prison tattoos.
Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae Don't leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae
What did the famous musician say the moment he was born? *I'LL BE BACH*
Your heart! *bursts out laughing* It's an inside joke.
The girl working at Best Buy saw me checking her out. She walked up and asked me "Do you need help?" I replied "No, I am just looking."
There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.
Kanye joins One Direction as a replacement for Zayn... He kicks everyone out of the band and says: "If there's only one direction, it's West."
Karen on Facebook says... "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your  husband left, Karen.
I should go outside and enjoy the amazing weather but my computer cord isn't long enough.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS *breaks glass* *a glazed honey ham pops out* "Nice nice"
Where did the small road go to college? Tulane University
Opposites If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
I like my women like I like my whisky 18 years old and mixed up in coke
Why the Chinese aren't democratic Because their leaders can't bring themselves to say 'We need to have a great election; People will come from all over the country'
My girlfriend just dumped me because I she says I talk too much about video games... ...It's a horribl**e** thing to Fallout 4.
Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference!
The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen
Me: Excited for the dance? 13yo: No, because you and mom will be there. Me: But I've been workin on my twerkin! 13yo: I need new parents.
I don't understand the appeal of strip clubs... All you do is throw money at women who refuse to have sex with you. If I wanted that I would be married.
Did you hear Cyan delayed the release of Obduction again? Apparently they myst some deadlines.
*the fog lifts* *the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet* *the fog does cardio* *the fog is fit af*
I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?
I love nutella so much I want to marry it and have little nutella babies with it and then eat my whole family with a spoon.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine But catscan
I have a disorder where I see Tom Jones lyrics wherever I go But it's not unusual
Mayweather just set his kitchen on fire trying to make a cake He should've read the instructions
A cow confronted Donald Trump after a rally It said "what's your problem with moo-slims?"
The thing about blind prostitutes... You gotta hand it to em'
What does a pirate get when he walks into a second-hand shop? Disappointed.
What's the most frustrating thing in the world?
Why are cats so afraid of cucumbers? Because they're 96% water
I sell property based in vietnam after WWII, people tell me i fucked up everyone there in the 60s My name is agent orange
*jumps into volcano as sacrifice* *volcano spits me back out*
"What aisle has the milk?" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers* "What aisle has the milk?"
There's this blind old man Going for walk, he walks into a fish market, takes a deep breath and says good morning ladies...
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.
I thought I was a bisexual but I ended up just being gay. It was a bi now gay later plan.
the sequel to "Up" should be called "Up 2: No Good" who do I tell this to
Skin divers How many skin divers does it take to circumcise a blue whale Four
me: can I buy you a drink? girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one me: [spits in it] How about now?
What would gold say if it could talk? "A-U" :|
don't you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV
The constipated mathematician What does a mathematician do when she is constipated? Works it out with a pencil.
I was going to post a really cheesy pun but there was just no whey.
There are 10 types of people those who understand ternary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.
What can you say about a car and not a girl/your gf? It's easy to turn on, and even though it's eleven, I still love her.
Two women are gardening when one pulls up a huge carrot, she says "this reminds me of my husband" and the other woman says, "that big?" and the first one says "No, that dirty."
Why didn't the Seahawks give the ball to Marshawn Lynch? They couldn't fined him.
Growing up in poverty, my mom was a lot like my anti-depressants... Neither of them really worked.
What has two legs and bleeds? half a dog
What do marriage and hurricanes have in common? They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your fucking house! thanks @Canadianmomma
if your partner has her time of the month this or next week it will be the christmas period
What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rhino? HellifIknow!
How do the fish get to school ? By octobus !
What is Hillary Clintons favorite type of footwear? flip-flops
A man sitting in a publisher's office has his memoir turned down for a third time... He sighed and said "story of my life."
The best part of having a beard is that it covers up like 40% of my terrible face
Want to know why the call my penis the 'Truth'? The 'Truth' hurts
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you're so hungry...
Memory is the second thing we lose as we age I forgot what the first one is
My friend told me I didnthave the confidence to farm rocks. You should have seen the look on his face when I grew boulder.
Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this" She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
What did the Turkish guy say to his babe when she invited him to eat? Ke-bab
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar... The first order 1 beer, the second 2 beers, the third 3, and so on... The bartender doesn't pour anything and say "Yall own me 1/12 of a beer"
My girlfriend was really excited about sex but said we couldn't because she was on her period... .. I turned back and declared "The only thing a period stops is a sentence."
If Apple made a car, what would it be lacking? Windows
They're not gym clothes if you don't go to the gym, they're pajamas.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
Alan Rickman has passed away. He was going through a bad spell.
Scotsman in a bar A Scotsman walks in to a bar there would have been a Welshman, an Englishman and 2 Irishman but they all got into the Euros.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a boner? I don't have a Ferarri.
Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live... But I'm still not paying the ransom.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
How do vegetarians give blowjobs? They stick to just eating the head cheese
"Oh is it by the Starbucks?" Um... everything's by a Starbucks
I tried writing with a broken pencil... until I realized there was no point.
I went to walmart today. I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof. This always happens to me.
Relax lady, I don't want your husband. I just want the sandwich he's eating.
Inspiring to see someone lift himself up by his own bootstraps. But soon you'll wonder what you're doing at a fucking magic show.
New drugs? Look them up on trip advisor!!
My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards. *He takes strip poker very seriously.*
Did you know that New York has two capitals? N and Y.
*dims the lights so you look like your selfies*
"Why are you glowing?" "I've been eating light."
I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
If it's your imperfections that make you beautiful, I'm pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
How do you spell Canada? C, eh, N, eh, D, eh
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? Redditors can't take a joke.
How do you get dragon pee? Drop your catheter bag.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar One says, "I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
I would rather... die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked my wife if she wanted me to do anything from Fifty Shades of Gray. She said yes - be handsome and make a billion dollars.
What's the hardest part of making chicken fried steak? Teaching the chicken to cook
A guy goes to the doctor for his annual checkup, and the doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating." "Why?" the man asks. The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
A man goes to the bar And he asks the bar tender Man: "What taste good? Tender: I usually like rum in Diet Coke. Man: how do you get a Roman in a Diet Coke? Tender: *facepalm*
Did you hear that they upgraded the lighting system on the Goodyear blimp? Now they call it the LED zeppelin.
Enter password: "ScoobyDoo" sorry password must contain a special character ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The following is an actual question given on a Yale university chemistry final exam
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Luke Skywalker is well on his way to completing his comic book collection... ...he's already got all the daddy issues.
The Arabs invented a time machine. It's called Islam. It can take any civilization back to the 7th century.
If I ever met an exact duplicate of myself I wouldn't hang out with him. I'm too cool for that fucking nerd
The things i say are like circles... They dont have a point.
I don't get why there's so many signs around saying "Free Wi-Fi." I mean, I've never seen, or for that matter heard of, any Wi-Fi in captivity!
curiousity killed the cat but it also got my penis stuck in the vacuum
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he's bringing his boyfriend.
Q. What do you have when only one line dancer  comes to your party? A. A One Liner!
Statistics show that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy
What is E.T. short for? So he can fit on a spaceship.
My Mother in Law fell down a wishing well I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
If you fall outta your car in your driveway, it's your own asphalt.
[Showing a friend around the house] Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn. *motions to area covered in popcorn.
[OC] Why don't dyslexics like the story of King Arthur? They think it's about the romance and majesty of Camelto.
I'm very ugly. But two minus make a plus, so we alright
What was the name of the pakistani hide and seek champion ? 'amhid'
After 15 years, I finally met my dad. He's a pharmacist.
Why was the sick eagle in prison? Because she was illegal.
Exercise, the poor man's plastic surgery.
A Roman walks into a bar an orders a martinus. "You mean a martini?" asks the bartender. The Roman replies, "If I wanted more than one I would have said martini"
*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night* *wife reaches over* "Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?" *already locked myself in the bathroom*
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're all dead
The DNC Yup
Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron? Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.
Is it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It's just that I know what both parents look like they're gonna need it.
The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon walks into a bar.
I got a round of flu shots... They tasted horrible.
Why did the chemist never say "NO" to anything? Because the reaction could be explosive.
LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions, the trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Pretty sure the only reason we keep pay phones around are so movie villains can give the main protagonist their next set of instructions
I have friends who do charity work for U2. They're pro Bono.
hey boy ;) is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
What's pink and hard when it goes in, and soft and wet when it comes out? Bubble gum.
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday. "Bullshit!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."
What is a priest's favorite guitar chord? Gsus
I caught a big fish! I was going to mount it, but there were people around! Source: Emo Philips
How many members of Coldplay does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he has to see Radiohead do it first.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I'll always have sunglasses.
Kids, don't do cocaine but if you do make sure you have a lot cuz you'll want it.
A philosopher friend is just telling you about how his obesity is actually very healthy, how do you convinve him otherwise? Push him over the bridge to stop his train of thought.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My neighbour thinks it's funny to joke with my wife, in front of me, that our kids look a bit like him. One day, I'm going to say something to the black bastard.
What do you call a Nazi who left the war to become an animal doctor? A Veteran Aryan
If there's awkward silence & he asks what you're thinking about "emotionally damaged werewolves" is not the best answer. I know this now.
How many mens' rights activists does out take to change a lightbulb? Well, not all of them.
I try to buy American, but I just can't find a good domestic finger trap.
Why can't I pay pay your mom for sex with my credit card? Because there's a minimum charge of 5 dollars.
What did the voltage say to the current? What's up, ohmie?
[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it's beauty] *from behind me* you know they named this after a website
Science has proven that everyone thinks about David Hasselhoff at least once while they masturbate. Don't believe me? Just wait until later.
My truck handles great... the amount of G's it can pull in a corner is only limited by the amount of rope.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?  - Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
What can 9 out of 10 people agree on? gang rape
What is the leading cause of dry skin? Bath towels...
I'm probably 0 for 400 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
How come the leader of the USSR from the 1920's to 1951 never got anything done? ...because he was always Stalin.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob
If a male asks another male for assistance helping him put on a particular piece of clothing, what is it? A brotie. ......(I know this joke was bad)
Did you know you can use a condom twice? Just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it
I hava a blind chinese friend His name was Kenneth Sy
Master yoda are we on the right path... ...off course,we are
[on intercom] Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear
Tweets got stolen. * Everybody looks at the new black dude following *
What's the hardest thing about being an audiophile? Convincing the sound to get into your van.
I decided to jerk off right in front of my blind girlfriend last night She didn't see it coming.
What has 2 legs and looses a lot of blood? Half a dog
Boss: "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life"!! Me: "Well It got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago 2011 Boss: "Really"? Me: "No"
What kind of stories does Eli Whitney tell on Easter? Cottontales
I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? You have perfect eyesight.
Dogs really like me... I think it's because I'm an asshole
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hippies don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
Mall walkers: never has anyone taken so seriously something that's so seriously ridiculous.
How do you tell a crazy Jew that it's all in his head? "It's psychosemitic"
What do you call someone who lurks for child pornography? A Predditer
My Dad told me "always fight fire with fire"... And that's why he's no longer a fireman.
I know how we can solve the California water crisis Collect all the sweat drops from John Boyega
My class was reading a book. It was called Taming of the Shrew. Someone blurted out loud, "I just thought of a Nazi version!" "Taming of the Jews!" ***** ^^^^not ^^^^oc
I heard that roles in leadership positions are good jobs... ...but tell that to Kim Jong Un, he's a dictator with a failing Korea
RIDDLER: What has-- BATMAN: A gazebo ROBIN: Matches RIDDLER: Let me finish- BM: A paperweight R: Dental floss RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My Dad couldn't pull out of my Mom... ...but at least he could pull out of my life.
Why was six afraid of seven... ...because seven was a registered six offender.
My parents found an S&amp;M magazine under my brother's bed... My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."
A Thanksgiving Joke What did the turkey say about the television program from the 1950s? There's a little bit too much grayvy.
Cole Wagner's new sports nickname is Jared Fogle. Because he just fucked nine twelve year-olds from Missouri
The only way coffee could be any better would be if you had to suck it out of a boob.
I hope the people that monitor my sleep study tonight like watching a man scratch his taint.
I hate the beginning and I hate the end So that's why I became a midwife.
What do you call a rich man's white tank top? A trophy wife beater.
Me: Honey, are you awake? [wife rustles] Hmmm? Me: When we were fighting & you said "Wolverine's powers suck," did you really mean that
I bought a retro computer. It came with friends still on the outside of it.
Something is fishy do crabs think fish are flying?
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff Ba - Dumm - Tss
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
I think the most pressing question for the Pope should be, "so like, after 7pm in the Vatican, what do you do? Just, like, sit in there?"
Did you hear about the accountant who daydreams about being an actuary? He craved more risk.
All a farmer needs to do to get a girlfriend is... ...attract her.
I hate people who have a great timing with jokes. When I do it I get responses like "Who are you and why are you at my grandma's funeral?"
My teacher took off points when I spilled my juice on my Calculus homework... ... Apparently, I shouldn't drink and derive.
Have you ever met a fractal? They're so conceited. I mean, they're so full of themselves.
What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs? They have to sit in their own pew.
*Queen bee in hive* "You, go pollinate flowers" "You, go make some honey" "You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol"
I pooped in 8 stores today. New record. 2 of them had restrooms.
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common  ? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !
I have an apathy problem. But it's okay because I don't care.
She told me she wanted to Netflix and chill. But when I got there she had Redbox.
What did the Chili's waitress say about her kidnapped daughter? I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.
What does a Jewish pedophile say? "You wanna buy some candy?"
I only date black chicks cause I hate meeting fathers..
Men are like bike helmets.  They are handy in an emergency but otherwise they just look silly.
TIL that condoms have serial numbers. What? Have you never rolled them down that far?
I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Lays.
5 kinds of fear: - panic - terror - 15 missed calls from mom - "wrong password" - "we need to talk"
I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.
What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean ? Nothing they just waved!!!  Sea what I did there!!! If you laughed hit that like button, come on don't be a beach Thank you thank you 
What's 6" long and women love it? 100$ bill.
What's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.... seeing your mother in-law back off a cliff in your new car
What do you call a Mexican stationed out at sea? A Navy Bean
Did you know God does drugs? Psalms 83:18 says he is the most high over all the earth...
iPhone's from the future. 2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack 2017: iPhone 8=no battery 2018: iPhone 9=no screen 2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000
How do you know if someone is a vegan? They'll fucking tell you...
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird -- I didn't even know horses could live underwater.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped wrapped in cellophane.... The psychiatrist says "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
What does a miserable vegan eat? This pear. Thought of this horrible joke while eating a juicy ass pear!
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far out, maan!
What is brown and sits in a toilet in a dutch attic? The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
What's tall, white and has ears? A mountain.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Tonight I'm going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I'll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
What does a little sister ride? A nii san
Your pussy is in more danger than a seal during Shark Week.
I lost my virginity to my teacher yesterday. Unfortunately, I'm home-schooled.
Once you throw a paper airplane it's no longer..... Stationary. Credit: u/Breeze_In_ The _ Trees
What do you call Raggedy Ann, in a puddle of mud, with a stone in her mouth? A dirty cotton rock sucker.
What's a Jewish person's least favourite subreddit? r/showerthoughts
Why did the stoner go to the chapel? To marry Jane
Two gay guys walk into a bar. One sits down slowly, the other pushes his stool in.
Why haven't you ever seen a hippo hiding in a tree? Because they are really good at it.
I need an app on my phone to connect to the douches Bluetooth driving next to me so I can fart in his ear.
What do you call a cow that goes online? An eMoo.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way. I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Mosquitoes This is two mosquitoes that go a bike and back tells of front: Hey, so, who has gotten me Fly in the eye ...!
What did the blind paraplegic child get for Christmas? Cancer. Happy new years folks!
What do you call a sarcastic man who steps in poop? Feces-tious
What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush? One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? About three inches.
Why was the baby ant confused? Because all of it's Uncles were Aunts(Ants)
What do you call and autistic child caught in a house fire? A baked potato
Why can't Bruce Jenner drive a KIA? Because they have tranny problems too
*watches a house fall on you* *steals your shoes*
How many controlled oposition does it take to change a light bulb? None you know of. Since they signed a Non Disclosure Agreement to not talk about it.
What is the useless skin around the vagina called? The woman
I died while having sex with a hooker... I guess you could say I was coming and going at the same time.
You know, I heard a rumor that Stevie Wonder is pansexual. He just doesn't see gender.
Doc: Your insurance won't cover it all. Me: What if I sewed myself shut? Doc: Suture self.
It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. The fat bastard can live elsewhere now.
I met a Mexican with two dicks He called one Jose and the other Hose B
Why does Jesus like Japanese food? Because he loves miso
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, and one's a busty crustacean.
What do narcoleptic people drink in bars? BoozZzZzZzZzZzZ^Z^z^Z^z^Z^z
Why do Catholics eat fish on Good Friday? Because Jesus died for our fins.
Germany Q1: What would Germany be called had they not surrendered at the end of WW2 ? A1: Gerfew Q2: What would Germany be called if the issue in Q1 happened before the holocaust? A2: Jewmany
Yerr a unit of power Harry! Im a watt?
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road  without looking both ways? Dead.
Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
Violinists are so brave. They fret not.
Me: What are your plans for tonight? 13: Think I'll hang out with you and mom. Me: Goddammit...uh I mean that's great.
What has eyes but can't see? Hellen Keller
[PetSmart] *approaches checkout with bird seed* "that all for you today?" Yes. How long does it usually take? "For what?" For them to grow
Florida lawmaker Randall Thompson is forced to resign after it is revealed he spent taxpayer money on expensive footwear for his wife. I guess Randall mishandled his panhandle sandal scandal.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar He orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
Idaho The official potato of your mom
What part of your computer is most likely to molest your child? The PDF file. What part of your computer is most likely to molest your child? The PDF file.
Why was the guy with the foot fetish in a bad neighborhood? Because he heard it was the place to get toes.
I'm a victim of child abuse Some kid in the park called me ugly
"Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?" *unbuttons pants* "Not anymore!"
[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown? Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)
Chinese elders dildo SHITTY SHITTY SHITTY
Hey guys quick question. Uh I'm in K-Mart right now, which aisle would be the best for me to lie down and die in?
Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex He's a small arms dealer
What part of a car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.
I like to listen to Anu Malik's music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it's important to get educated.
What did the cow say to her husband when he denied pooping in the living room? That's bullshit!
What's the only animal with a cunt on its back? A police horse.
What do indian mice do when they get scared? They scurry!
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist I'd have tree fiddy
I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour. It might take a second for you to get it.
Jokes about communism are funny... Unless you share them with everybody
What brand of underwear did Jesus wear? Fruit of the Womb
Why didn't anyone believe the transsexual's confession? It was a case of 'he said, she said'
Damn girl are you a cornfield? Because I'm stalking you.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
What do skaters, kidnappers, and hipsters all have in common? They all have white vans
I could've had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.
What is OJ Simpson's password on his computer? Slash, slash, backslash, escape.
Why didn't Spock do a mind meld with Frodo? Because he figured that would be a bad hobbit to get in to.
What's the difference between Jesus and Bono? Jesus doesn't think he's Bono
Why did the obtuse triangle go to the beach? Because it was more than 90 degrees.
"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."
"And you don't want hairy hands, now do you? Oh! And googling 'it' will make you go blind..okay! Mommy loves you." - Sis at her 9 year old.
Whats around $5000+ and enhances personality? Breast implants.
What's the difference between a hippy and a hockey player? The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
What do you call it when a fruit studders? A peach impediment.
As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist. But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."
[marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He hired a clown for my nana's funeral" PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Q: What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over the hill while wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing. He did not recognize them.
What did Peyton Manning do yesterday? ...played footbal but lost and made ppl sad as fuck. joke's on the ppl cus their sad as fuck and i dont care
Whenever Barry Allen is around, everything happens in a flash
I went to ferguson and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt And this cash register, and this Xbox, and this flat screen tv.
Clinton's blue firewall... About as secure as her private email server.
What beverage should you give someone who is publicly intoxicated? penal tea edit: to someone
do you like icecream? then maybe you should marry it
A woman caught her bald husband trying to steal a wig. She looked at him and whispered "Honey, what are you doing? We have toupee for that!"
How do you take a selfie with a goat?
What's Obama's favorite word? uh...
No wonder my cigar tastes funny. It's just a really old hot dog.
Balls Deep is not a accurate form of measurement.
I should get a bigger tax return According to Digiorno's I'm a family of four.
Trump will be President until 2020 It would have been 20:15, but the sniper got stuck in traffic...
A black man, a Jewish man, and a Chinese man walk into a bar... and the bartender says "Get the fuck out of here."
Why would you rather run into a bmw driver than a cactus? Because it's easier to deal with just one prick
I gave my keys to the Taco Bell valet when I showed up and now he's nowhere to be seen.
As a Muslim, I'm disappointed That none of my posts have really blown up yet.
My husband hasn't forgiven me for answering 'Okie dokie artichokie' instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, "I do."
My wife treats me like GOD!! She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.
What do you call a balloon that glows in the dark? A LED Zeppelin
The Muslim Who Dated An Ape Did you hear about the Muslim who was caught screwing an ape? He was stoned to death along with his haram bae.
How did Harry Potter get to the bottom of the hill? By running! J.K. Rowling
Why does the addict avoid going to the bank? Because he suffers from cash withdrawals.
I'm stuck at a boring wedding reception, tell me a joke to get through it
What did one frog say.to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!
Me: you like that? *takes out trash* Wife: ooooh Me *starts vacuuming the living room* Wife: oh my god, don't stop
A man walks into a crowded bar brandishing a gun... The man yells out "WHOS BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE???" A few moments later, a man in the back yells back "YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH BULLETS!".
A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist. He says, "Doc, something's wrong. I think I'm going crazy!" The psychologist replies, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
The Great Wall of America... ...is gonna be made in China.
Whats the hardest thing to eat about a vegetable? The wheel chair
I changed my last name on Facebook to "dis", so I can start disliking the stupid stuff people post
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I've never seen a bear and was like "Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around"
If you are the winner of Friday's $500 million Mega Millions jackpot can receive the winnings in one lump sum, yearly installments, or one tank of gas.
I painted my computer black so it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.
I prevented a rape today I gave my consent.
What do Mediterranean volcanoes make for dessert? bakLAVA
Why did the drunk fall asleep at the wheel? He needed a place to crash.
Is the Sea salty because the land doesn't wave back? Someone else thought it was a funny thought of mine on showethoughts
You say lonely I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate
If Cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?
We have to operate now if the cancer spreads anymore you won't be able to tell the difference between people & food "Are you nuts?" Dear God
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can't drive.
Last week, I went to a convention of Women without legs. The place was literally crawling with pussies. (Heard Willie Nelson tell it).
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I ever said I'd be rich as a Jew.
*tries to quietly eat carrot sticks during your funeral*
Latvian potato eating contest. Latvia man enter contest eat potato. Many other contestants. Contest start. Is no potato. All men sad. And hungry.
What's the difference between a baby and a feminist? I don't want to punch the baby in the fucking face.
[Worm sitting alone] WAITER: Dinner for 1? Dumb question W: But- *worm cuts self in half* *waiter shrieks* 2nd WORM: I'll have the prime rib
I saw that they were opening a new beauty store in Boston. I think it was called "Boston balmer"
Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
Whats E.T short for? Because he's got little legs.
What is the definition of disgusting? Putting 7 oysters up your girlfriend and sucking out 8
Doctor Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do Sir this is a fish and chip shop!
I don't see why people dislike racial diversity I'm getting bored of watching the 100 meter dash.
If you wore corduroy to a job interview, what kind of an impression would you leave? I feel like this is a great setup, but I can't think of a punchline. Any help, reddit?
I just got a job cleaning air ducts and I don't like it very much, but at least I have a job. Thanks for letting me vent.
What do you call a threesome with two guys and a girl? ...a DVD.
What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.
Well, at least I have a step ladder... I never knew my real ladder, but I heard he supported 3 people.
Say - didja hear about the LGBT who keeps telling bad Bruce Jenner jokes? (wait for it ... wait for it Yeah - every one thinks he's a real bruisance ...
Had to dump my Amish girlfriend.... she drove me buggy.
In a perfect world you'd be able to mark people as spam in real life.
What is the purpose of war? "God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain
Some people need Rosetta Stone for Sarcasm
After working a construction site in the blistering heat all summer, it made me really miss my old gig. Because 7/11 was an inside job.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you're not the h in chameleon.
Last night I was at the bar and this guy kept yelling "bastard" at his pint of beer. It's never nice to witness substance abuse.
You know who I hate the most? Indian givers. No wait, I take that back.
I call my bedroom 'The place where the magic happens' because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.
Who's great at math, but always tells lies? Fibonacci
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar. They both had a great time.
The fast and the furious 8 (spoiler alert)
Why dont blacks celibrate thanksgiving? KFC isnt open on holidays.
What does Yao Ming stand for? When he sits down it takes too long to get back up.
My friend left his job at a nut factory... Cause they paid him peanuts...
What do you call a boxing match between two  aardvarks? A snout bout!
"Police! Open up!" "No, you're gonna yell at me"
Contrary to popular belief, you actually CAN drink lava but only once
What did the kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas? Cancer
I hate seeing babies are kissing eachother. It's like, get a womb.
A man went into a store to buy some condoms. "That's 1 dollar 15 plus tax" said the store assistant. "I don't need tacks" said the man. "It'll stay up all by itself."
Germans - they're great people, if you give them their dues. (Hint: say it out loud.)
Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.
Beer = Mama If you would change 4 letters in the word "beer" you would get the word "mama" :)
What does a clock do when its hungry? It goes back four seconds
What do you call an Arabic rapper? Vanilla Isis
POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "Because you know I love riddles."
My kids don't beg for toys and I realized it's because they never get to see commercials Because they're locked in a cage
So I found out today I have Alzheimer's...
*loses beer *opens new beer *finds old beer *drinks 2 beers I win
I fell asleep & my cat ate the crackers I left on the table. To teach him a lesson, I ate all his Friskies while he's sleeping on the couch.
HIV has never been THE virus to have... Because it's always been retro.
If a king runs a kingdom and an emporer runs an empire. Who's about to run this country? Yea that
I'm glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary
I've just started my own company called Flying Fuck Airlines. Judging from what I've seen here, it's going to be an outstanding success.
Did you hear about the font wanted for murder? Apparently the reward is worth your weight in bold.
Did you hear about the midget that got kicked out of the nudist colony? He was getting into everybody's hair...
What he said, "Let's just drop it." What I heard, "I can't think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence."
"weed is a gateway drug" "to what? the fridge? Hahaha" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*
Why are there no black people in the game Clue? Because then, it would be called Solved.
"The iPad is a bigger version of the iPod touch."Yep, and my dick is a bigger version of urs.Think about that while I go do big dick things.
My wife and I only went out for 5 months before we got married. We just knew... That she was pregnant.
Can a match box no, but a tin can ;)
Why is Iron Man's arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Paid $80 for a screw I picked up on my lunch hour. The only thing that blew was my tire.
So I posted an opposing view on r/The_Donald [removed]
Why is fishing called fishing and hunting is not called deering or birding?
Finland's borders Are Finland's borders called the finnish lines?
I used to be a rubbish collector. Now I'm pretty good.
Why can't chickens pee? Their pecker's on the wrong end.
[job interview] "Have any questions?" Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
TOO LATE? KNOCK, KNOCK WHO'S THERE? 9/11. 9/11 WHO? WHAT? I THOUGHT WE NEVER FORGOT
S&amp;M A masochist asks a sadist to hurt him, so the sadist doesn't.
Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.
Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
What do you call an elderly person from Spain? Senor citizen.
The best kind of love is experienced when the person who touches your ass also touches your heart.
What is the best thing about Dwane "the rock" Johnson's physique? Nobody takes him for granite.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Do you know why I stopped? *silence* *a saxophone wails in the distance*
What do Amy Schumer and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.
What is a fretless bass good for? About thirty yards if you use both hands.
Why did the african child die while choking on rice? because he had malaria
Why is it never a good idea to use a Chinese phone book? There are so many Wings and Wongs, you might wing a wong number.
if men fall asleep directly after sex . . . why is it so hard to catch a rapist? -Jimmy Carr p.s. never high five a rabbi
Just back from the market. TIL People also stop using deodorant or soap for Ramadan.
A shark walks into a bar, and the bartender leaves because sharks are dangerous.
We need a channel that plays kitten videos. All kittens, all the time. When shit gets intense, turn on the kittens. #kittenchannel
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot
Two friends were walking by the ballet museum... When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?" To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days? Me: I think that's a myth. Friend: No it's definitely a butterfly.
Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me."
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like "don't be sad" "he's not worth it" "you deserve better"!
Black literature Why is there so little Black literature? Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.
Why did Bob disagree with communism? He thought it was such Bolshevik.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You staple food to the ceiling.
What did the gay bar say to the straight bar? Q: What did the gay bar say to the straight bar? A: I'm not gay. Its just the guys that come inside me.
When are they going to pass a law making the selling of horrible guacamole punishable with death?
Did Timmy enjoy his first fried eggs? No, because he sat naked on a steel poll in 113 degrees
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a whiz? Because the P is silent!
[train] GUY: Please take my seat. ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you. GUY: How far along are you? ME: 5 stops.
If you make a cow angry how will she get even?  She'll cream you!
Nick Cannon is the new face of Radio Shack both of which apparently still excist
I was going to throw an earth day party But I forgot to planet.
Obi-wan: You don't have a shot with Padme. Anakin: Don't underestimate my charm. *stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
What do you call a party organized by a bunch of midgets? A little get together
Girl, are you into conspiracy theories? Because you are looking Illumi-naughty!
What s the only white thing about a black guy? His owner.
[in the insect dissection room] Your fly is open.
What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before? Identity theft! A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses. INTERVIEWER: um I'm interviewing you! M: *writes hostile'* I: What's that say? M: *writes overly suspicious'*
What happens to sex bombs later in life? They become box-office bombs
What's the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won't stay up all night to fuck a musician
There are five states of matter. 1. Solid 2. Liquid 3. Gas 4. Plasma 5. Black Lives
I used to play water polo But the horse drowned
Did you hear about the owl who fell in love with the goat? They had a hootin-nanny.
I went to the hairdresser and she asked how I'd like my hair cut. In silence.
What did Thor say to the weaver fixing his cape? What are your Hemsworth?
So the other day I tried to bring 2 dead raccoons on an airplane... but the lady at the desk told me a second carrion costs extra.
Can I sleep over at your house tonight? There's too much stuff on my bed
Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
How is it that photons travel so fast? They are light.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.
It's been a week since my wife went missing. The police told me to expect the worst. So I took her things back out of the garbage bin.
Every time I post,, I get a rush like I'm releasing a little animal into the wild... A hideous, deformed animal that no one will ever love...
Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet ? "Why are we running so fast ?" said one Because it says "Tear along the dotted line"
Rene Descartes walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Want something to drink?". Decartes replies "I think not", and disappears.
Why be on time when I can make shitty excuses?
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
If you're able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
What do you get when you mix up literature and alcohol? Tequila mockingbird Or Ernest Hemingway
Did you hear about the prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip? She wanted to make a little money on the side.
Like it or not... That's how Facebook works.
What's the difference between In-laws and 0utlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.
Life is like box of chocolates ... it doesn't last long for the fat people.
BIack friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said its 2014 man you can use what ever printer you want.
All this month when a waitress asks me how I'd like my eggs, I'll tell her to nog that shit.
I'm jobless. I'm making a career out of it.
New Years Resolutions I've decided on a few attainable resolutions... * put on some weight * exercise less * watch some TV, play some computer games * procrastinate (maybe I'll do that later)
Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick fucks made that necessary?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ's property. It's 1994.
What do you call a kid with no friends (warning offensive) A sandy hook survivor.
Style of break up: Boy bought gift for His Girl friend- GF:Wat the hell would I do with this rocket? Boy: U wanted stars na? Now sit on it and GET LOST
Girl: Why should I shave my downstairs? Guy: Because I don't like hair in my food.
What did one casual necrophiliac say to the other as they left their day jobs? Come by my place later, we'll crack a cold one.
You're not considered antisocial if no one wants to talk to you.
The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, "You were right."
Did you hear about the gym employee that got fired? He didn't work out.
Scariest thing ever The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!
What is the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer came back
What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish ?  Tsardines !
I don't get why kids hate me... ... I mean the sex isn't that bad.
What did the man with dyslexia do while he was at the beach? Sarah Palin
[speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"
What's an epileptic's favorite side dish? Seizure salad.
I think we need to find faster means of travel across water. You catch my drift, mate?
Q. What did the fog say to the light rain after her vacation? A. I mist you.
Lets be real here, everyone has laughed at a child falling over in public,at least once, why ? Because its funny.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
If Rapunzel was a brunette, she'd have just opened the front door.
Buddy of mine dropped some acid... Burnt a hole in the floor... He was tripping for days!
How can you tell if a pedophile is happy? He has a peda-smile.
The song "Hotel California" could never be admitted into evidence in a court of law. It's entirely hearsay (he said/she said)
What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging from a window? Curt and Rod
The worst restaurant in the world is "wherever you wanna go is fine with me."
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up  and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Cannibal Someone who is fed up with people
How do you make a duck sing? Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Just finished reading a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at the start but by the end I liked it.
Scientists have found the cause of paedophilia. Sexy children.
A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.
What do you call a line at a Vietnamese restaurant? A pho queue
My stepladder is so great, I'm almost glad my ladders got divorced.
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you fucking racist.
How do bovines do math? They use a cow-culator! Ba-dum-tsss!
Parents, you can help end childhood obesity by teaching your kids how to smoke cigarettes.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. How long it took for you to figure it out?
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we give a fuck.
Dead fly When you kill a fly, does it become a dead flew?
Being a feminist is like practicing extreme sports Not taking good care of yourself and then bragging about how brave you are.
Escalator Literature. a step by step guide to reaching new levels
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
ENTER PASSWORD password YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN again ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.
The world seems like a beautiful place until you realize that there isn't one thing that hasn't been shoved up a butt.
The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?" No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog ? A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
What do you call a carpentry business that only hires midgets? The Whittle Business *badum ching*
What do you call a Muslim woman wearing oculur rift or a VR headset? Stealth Bomber
A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.
Sheryl Crow singing the national anthem
Based on Trump's History, if elected, he is likely to get divorced and remarried while in the White House It will be "Marriage Apprentice" White House Edition
Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life
One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don't know why they're giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Every day is a holiday if you love yelling.
Cops don't have penises, instead they have wieners Because they're made out of pork.
An Indian man named Shakher opens a fries stall ... in London and calls it "Shakher Fries." He is still wondering why everyone seems to be shaking their fries after putting them in paper bags.
Why did the T-Rex get kicked outta the porn shoot? Because he had a reptile dysfunction
If every day is a gift, I'd have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day. Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
What do you call a gay guy who gives bad blow jobs? A tooth fairy.
What's the difference between soap and SOPA? You won't get fucked if you drop SOPA.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting? Biden: Young Metro. Obama: Why did you call- Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
One time I called my teacher "mom" and she looked so confused and said "I'm not your mom." It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.
What did a propeller say to Howard Hughes? I'm a big fan.
Women are like spaghetti. They're straight until wet.
A local plastic surgeon started giving away free breast implants... They're up for grabs.
My favorite joke [ha ha ha](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Womens_rights)
More like March Sadness.
Question starts with a Q... ...and ends with an E.
Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine!
If I must die someday, I hope it's in a burrito avalanche.
I am tired of the joke where the 3rd person to be granted a wish uses it to somehow cancel out the wishes of his 2 friends who just wished in front of him. What variation on a joke are you tired of?
Saw a kid crying in the grocery store. I opened a bottle of A1 and chugged it right in front of him. He stopped crying and started nodding.
What does Batman like in his lemonade? Just ice.
Please don't post a screenshot if your battery percentage is low, I can't focus on the picture because your low battery is stressing me out.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud.
A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, "Tell me if you can hear this," and then get in the trunk and start screaming.
what is the stupidest animal in the jungle? the polar bear
How do you know if someone is a vegan? Because everyone around them will be giving them shit for it.
A man is talking to a rabbi and asks, "Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions?". The rabbi says, "No, I just keep the tips."
What's the difference between ISIS and a piece of shit? I don't know any difference either.
Miles Davis was indeed a lucky man... He literally had a Blow Job lasting 45 years.
Did you hear about the man who got sick at the airport? It was a terminal illness.
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle ? The Polar Bear.
This is the last pair of shoes I buy from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I just keep tripping.
so I heard The Rock was cooking... can you smell it?
When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.
A man walks into a bar..... "ouch"
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Six. Why? IT JUST DOES, OK!?!?
Why do New Zealanders have so many furry conventions? Because they're kiwis.
What words does Donald Trump find irresistibly sexy? "You sick fuck, I'm calling the cops."
What kind of outfit says "I want you to let me stand in your group so I don't look like a loser but I don't want to talk to any of you"?
The cop jokes on this sub are getting out of hand All the black jokes keep getting shot down.
I watched this documentary the other day but I didn't like it... ...because it was absolutely incredible.
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?  Sleep in the wardrobe.
How big of a difference is there between the male and female reproductive system? There's a vas deferens.
If there isn't an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I'm not going!
What do you get when you squish a synagogue? Jews
(Neighbor, curious): What's wrong with little Timmy? (Mom, sad): He went to Jared.
What do you call a Steer playing with itself? Beef Stroganoff
What did the clone troopers say after they killed Aayla Secura? Bye Felucia
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them.
What do you call heavy metal music written about fruit? Applecore. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yo momma smell so bad.... I can smell her retronasally.
If someone tells you to spell part backwards don't do it It's a trap!
If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra
What animal has two gray feet and two brown feet? An elephant with diarrhea.
Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don't even know it.
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
Tomorrow is Fathers Day. I heard iPad accessories are the big thing for Father's Day this year. I got my dad a leather case, a screen protector and a new charger. If he ever gets an iPad he's all set.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chic is you.
Jackasses and Onions What do you get when you cross a Donkey and an Onion??? You get a great piece of ASS that brings a tear to your eyes!!!!
94% of women will preface their parallel parking with, "I suck at parallel parking."
Father: You've got 4 D's and a C on your report. Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject !"
What do you call a fish with diarrhea? A Pooper Grouper!!!!!
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck
What do you call an asian women who flies an airplane? A pilot, you fucking racist.
I decided to be a supervillan and kill people with puns. My supervillan name? The punisher.
Famous Minds Galileo:Great mind Einstein:Genius Mind Newton:Extraordinary Mind Bill Gates:Brilliant Mind Sir George w.bush: Never Mind
Damon girl, did you fall from heaven? Because your face sure shows it.
What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table ? He gets splinters in his mouth !
"Chill out." - Spanish receptionist saying Jill isn't in.
How do you disappoint a Redditor? [corrected] NSFW [deleted]
How much is a metric fuck-ton? A shitload.
Why didn't Jesus eat bacon? It wasn't because he was Jewish, it's because he didn't exsist.
Ask me why I'm bad at telling jokes - "why are you bad at telling jokes?" - ...oh wait. Shit! ughh ... I fucked it up.
The best late artist of the late 20th century yelvis. I AINT NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG. CRYING ALL THE TIME.
I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet One egg a month
If your woman is always reminding you of how other many guys want her and you are lucky she is still with you, dump that ho. Let those wolves have her.
If Ebenezer Scrooge were a sheep, what kind of hat would he wear? A Baa-Homburg!
What do you call an orange cat in summer? Shedder Cheese!
Girlfriend's mascara died and I gave it a funeral, you know what they say... Lashes to lashes and dust to dust.
You can't say America isn't inclusive and progressive The Current president is a black man and latest election was between a female and a mentally handicapped person.
My daughter asked me if it was illegal to be blind which tells me I didn't explain "legally blind" very well.
If Romney wins I will punch a basket of newborn kittens one by one. Do you want that, America? Do you want kittens to get punched?
If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you should do it the way I told you to the first time.
My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit.
I asked my wife.. "what would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, " I would take half and leave you." I said, "good I won $12. Here's $6, now fuck off."
My friend has a PhD in sexual deviancy She can talk about autoerotic asphyxiation until she's blue in the face!
Santa goes to... Santa goes to your house, goes down your chimney, and watches you while you're asleep... And everyone adores him... I do it one time...
What's better than a laxative? Reddit.
What's the best part about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere!!
How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
"i have good news & bad news" wife: bad news 1st "the washing machine broke" wife: and the good news? "the dogs are clean AF"
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they're talking?
How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!
What the Diffrence between Chinese and Mexican food? Chinese food comes out in about 15-20 minutes and Mexican food comes outta you in about 15-20 minutes.
guard your heart, cater to no man's ego, honor your own time and your energy, don't use uber. happy 2015.
Why does a chicken coup only have two doors? If it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.
For their honeymoon, Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine Went to the beach and got a Tan. When they went back home, it took a Sec to find they needed a Cot.
A recent study about sexual behavior found out that Only 9/10 people enjoy gang-bangs
A knight walks into a bar The barman says "Why the long mace?"
AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash... He's gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES
My iPhone keeps auto-correcting "My iPhone keeps auto-correcting" to " You don't have a fucking iPhone, asshole".
Robocop is my favorite actor. How come he was never nominated?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
if running over deer had taught me anything... It's that if somethings horny, plow it on the hood of your car
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald's bathroom. I'm up $405 or whatever.
My favorite knock knock joke * knock knock * -whose there? * hapch * -hapch who? * Bless you!
Almost touched an old person tonight. Luckily I jerked my arm away before they could drain me of my youth and vigor.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
What does a vulture bring onto a plane? Carrion luggage
MC HAMMER: U can't touch this! ... U can't touch this! MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer! MC HAMMER: U can't tou...
I'm actually reasonably happy with Trump's presidency right now..... after all, he's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.
Top Gear was twelve years old... That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.
I'd rather watch a 3D video of my conception than watch one episode of The Real Housewives.
Interesting Factoid: Facebook causes you to overestimate how happy your friends are, and therefore might make you more depressed!
How do we know pineapple makes semen taste better? Word of Mouth
Wanna see a joke? Look at your dick
Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
North-Korean food I made North korean food for my GF. She said pizza isn't North korean. I said Shut up and eat it.
What's brown and sticky? Chris Brown after each prison stay.
Chuck Norris' prostate is used to examine doctor's fingers.
did you hear that Frosty broke up with his girlfriend? i understand....he says she's frigid.....
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Moby Dick? Moby is just named Dick but Trump is an actual dick.
What do you get when you put two different vinaigrettes in your salad? Cross-dressing
When is the best time to buy budgies ? When they're going cheap !
What's black and white and red all over? Niggers getting the fuck beat out of them by cops
Have you seen the new clear plastic bikinis? They're worth looking into.
I quit my job as a taxi driver... I just can't stand people talking behind my back.
I wanted to be a sky diving instructor... But it's not the kind of job you just fall in to.
What do astronauts wear to bed? Space Jammies!
How many bottles of beer does it take to kill someone? One, if you throw it hard enough.
What can't you spell without the letters p-e-n-i-s? Happiness... you dirty bastards
Slow and steady wins the race, unless it's one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed.
What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? You wipe it off and say sorry.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto's Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My fruit business went into liquidation. I now sell smoothies.
How does a blacksmith know you farted? He smelt it
Why did the tissue get up and dance? It had a little boogy in it.
What did the ocean said to the river when they parted ways ? Nothing, he was just full of tears
So I heard they built a gayporn production facility on the CERN-compound... Apparently it's called the "Large Hardon Collider".
A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese spend the evening drinking in a bar. Who picks up the tab? The German.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don't hate all those birches...
What do you call a Zoo that contains only small dogs? A Shitzu.
How many Latvians does it take to screw a lightbulb? Is dark. Bulb is potato.
If my teacher saw me staring at her from behind Then I was staring at her ass
Why doesn't the weatherman just say cloudy with a 90% chance of bullshit? Because that's pretty much what the forecast has been lately.
Why is a divorce so damn expensive? Because it fucking worth it!
Is this your resume? "Yep" It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away "Oh yes" Welcome to UPS!
A blonde, brunette, and a red head walk into a bar Wow, these are great binoculars!
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?
Used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!
What's the difference between a Greyhound Bus depot filled with old people, and a crab with DD boobs? One's a crusty bus station, and the others a busty crustacean.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they're building a Jenga puzzle. Have kids. It's fun.
So scientists have invented a way to turn dolphins nearly invisible It's pretty neat, but I don't really see the porpoise.
At this point in my life... At this point in my life, i drink so i can smoke and I smoke after the bad decisions i made wile drinking, then I drink to forget that I am dying of lung cancer.
What is the first derivative of a cow? A prime rib.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If I have a rooster and you have a donkey, and your donkey bites the two feet off my rooster, what do you have? 2 feet of my cock in your ass.
Policeman: Why have you parked your bus  here? Bus Driver: The sign says "Bus Stop."
Why is CoD like women? Search and Destroy.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
What does Laquisha have for breakfast? Plan B
What other body parts did Voldemort not have apart from his nose? His legs and arms.. because he was disarmed and defeated.
I use to worry I was a nihilist... but then I realized I don't care.
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline My wife hit the roof!
A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber "What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"
Michael Cera probably apologizes and gives back cars in Grand Theft Auto
A waffle house is like a gas station bathroom that serves waffles.
Anyone need a break up line? "It's not you... but maybe it's Maybelline. Clowns wear less makeup than you"
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones ****** Password expired ****** Password expired ****** Password ex...
*gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*
me: they're having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free wife: so why do you have 4 space jam's? me: ...because it's buy 3 get 1 free
Did anyone see Bob Costas' double pink eye while watching the Olympics? I heard he got it from Putin.
A little old lady walked into the bank cashed  a small check and started out. Passing the armed guard she smiled and said "You can go home now."
Australia beat England in their matchup in the Rugby World Cup. I guess you could say the prisoners beat the guards.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.
"looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run
My dog's got no "O"s. - How does it spell? - "dg".
person: what is your dog's name me: he won't say
What'd the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
Daughter 1: Dad, I'm lesbian. Daughter 2: Dad, I'm also a lesbian. Father: Isn't there anyone in this family who likes dick? Son: Yeah dad, I do.
Old MacDonald had a really bad scrabble hand...... E  I  E  I  O.....
What do you call a Jew who is terrible with money? Bernie Sanders.
A man walks into a bar... ... he says "ouch!"
I got a joke for you. [The Bush Adminstration.]( http://youtu.be/92bEu7sQ5_Q)
What is a lazy persons favourite exercise routine? Diddly squat.
What musical instrument goes with cheese?  Picklelo.
Whats the name of the band with the most hits? the hitlers!
Forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom... ...made it impossible to shit post.
Do you know what the Steve Harvey autobiography is called? Neither does his publisher. He gave it a title, but then took it back.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
What do parsley and pussy hair have in common? You push it aside and keep eating. Credit to a coworker that told me this last night.
How can you tell if Hillary Clinton is lying? She's moving her lips.
I hate it when someone asks you for directions and you can't remember a street name so you have to strangle them behind the gas station.
Which element is unsure of it's gender? Sili-kin
A guy walks into a restaurant with his friend. The server ask what he wants to drink and he say H2O. His friend says he will have H2O to. His friend is no longer alive.
My brother in law won't go to Hooters with me tonight because his wife is "having a baby." #lame
Asked my dad if he heard about the head tranplant on the news. He said, "No, but it sounds like it's way ahead of it's time."
In a way, I'm happy that Brexit happened. Now I don't need to correct people when they refer to the UK as England.
What did the hippie say when I asked him to leave my house? Nah, I'm-a stay.
Why did Hitler commit suicide? ...he got the gas bill
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee
There's two things I hate in this world 1) People who can't count
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like.... 'I've got nothing man.'
I lost my job at the suicide hotline. Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.
Here's a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Neo Nazi? Morpheus unhappy.
What is white on top and black on the bottom? Society.
"It's what's on the inside that counts" I told my ugly daughter As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works. She's also stupid.
Adulthood is the moment you switch from taking the occasional drug to trip out, to taking the occasional drug to feel normal.
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much." Sir that's not really a problem. "One sec. HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE."
I used to think love() was abstract, until you implemented it in MyHeart.
"SMH, SMH, SMH, hi, SMH, SMH" (a text message from Muhammad Ali)
Mary had a little lamb And a side of mashed potatoes
A man walks into a bar... And says "ouch".
FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch?  PIGLET: Beets me!
What do you call a puppy on its period in the peak of summer? A hot dog with ketchup at one end.
What caused "The Black Death"? The police.
What the difference between woman and man? A man has always the same penis between his legs.
I'm not sure he understands What The Hell I'm talking about....But.....Since I'm showing cleavage, he's at least listening ;D
*takes your compliment* *stares nervously at it*
I asked a terrorist how his day was going... He said it was great, his son died in a car bombing. The only problem? His son borrowed his car.
"Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops." - Game of Thrones
Bae: Are you coming over? Me: Yes, I'm coming over. - Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
COP: drop the gun CRIMINAL: no COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
British woman suing McDonalds after finding a cigarette in her ONE year old's Happy Meal.As if ciggie wasn't the healthiest thing in the bag
I can't stand holocaust jokes, they hit too close to home. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell off one of the watchtowers
What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a.... *Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*
What is the proudest body part? the veins
I can't stand being in a wheelchair. Don't even try and tell me that joke was offensive. Atleast it wasn't a blind joke. I can't see how those are funny.
If 50 is the new 30, then Dead is the new 80.
I like dead baby jokes as much as the next guy But sometimes you have to abort
Where did the Gingerbread man lose his leg? He lost it back in the 'Nom War
Mickey Mouse is on trial for the murder of Minnie Mouse The judge asks to clarify, "The report here says your motive for killing her is for being too silly?" "No your honor, she was fucking Goofy"
There's blood everywhere... I mean, most of it is inside our bodies, but still; the horror...
I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas station. The attendant spilled it. Why am I not surprised?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine's Day. When they answer "dinner", you should say "no...after that".
What did the blond do with her asshole in the morning? Pack him a lunch and tell him to go to work!
I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble. Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.
Why did Mrs. Quartz divorce Mr. Quartz? He took her for granite.
Relax white people, black people have the "N" word. But we still have words like "Yacht", and sayings like "thanks for the warning officer".
I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
On a scale of 1-10 how obsessed with Harry Potter are you? About 9 3/4
My girlfriend can be really loud during sex... I don't know why. She knows no one is coming to help
A B C D E F G H I J... 10 letters
What do you call a person who has sex with a person and a sheep? Basexual
Who is the chess player's dream companion? A *Czech Mate*
What is the historical significance of Sir George Stokes? He was a seminal fluid dynamicist.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Thank you, slow walking family in front of me on the footpath, No please, take your time.... and definitely spread out, so you create a barricade of idiots.
One Latvian potato talking to another. Is bad premise, nobody in Latvia have two potato.
What did the worm say to the other when he was  late home ? Where in earth have you been !
The pope just pooped Holy shit
Why did the cat give birth at the park? Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes. I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
At the Republican convention they kept telling everyone to stop with the Bush-bashing... Who are they to tell me what I can and can't do in the bedroom!?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near..... Because your an asshole that's why, dickweed
East and West Germany In West Germany your job determines your Marks. In East Germany Marx determines your job.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don't even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
What did the black man get for his son on christmas? Your bike.
I always forget the name Lance is short for "Ambulance"
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a "tuba glue."
Sing like no one is listening. Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
TIL Redditors are easy to fool.
We had a safety meeting at work today. They asked me "what steps would you take in event of a fire? "Fucking big ones" was apparently not the right answer.
Autocorrect just changed "carnie" to "catnip" and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
What do you call a giant pile of kittens? A meowntain
What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers? The designated driver.
You won't be hearing from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.... I gotta lilo.
What kind of underwear do old people wear? ...Depends.
A cop pulled me over and said "papers" I said "scissors, I win!" and drove off.
I think my virginity is growing back.
Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.
It's been a great year, it fact, it was so great... I remember like it was yesterday.
What would you call Daenerys Targaryen if she had a vaginal infection? Khalyeasty
You think you can escape Stalin's prison camps? Hah, gulag with that.
Men who care about the covers being stolen fail to utilize the warm body next to them properly.
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
My mom pops out from under the table while I'm on a date. She's always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for? Me: I got it for my girlfriend. Indian Chief: Good trade.
I've never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it's like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
It's just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own "Don't Feed the Animals" rule.
It's important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Q: What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug? A: It loses its cool.
"Why is there music coming out of your printer?" "That will be the paper jamming again!"
Love is like a box of chocolates However good it tastes you know it will inevitabley turn to shit.
Most Fascinating Part of the Body I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body but then i realized "pssssh, look what's telling me that"
how much is a life-time supply of fast food? Not much.
I don't need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/
"Would you just look at all this bullshit?!" - enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? (LONG) Damn.
What dance do you do when summer is over? Tango (tan go).
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts: 1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and 2) I may need new drywall
If you want to work with livestock, you better know your farm animals, kid! A kid is a baby goat.. That's the joke...
A pirate crew is fleeing from a whaling ship One pirate swabbie asks, "This be the whaling ship driven by the wench with two vaginas?" The pirate says, "Aye, we best be wary of har poons."
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it: "I wish my Wife was this Dirty".
Please don't directly insult people on Twitter. Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.
To whoever stole my thesaurus... To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
Have you heard about the one-armed super hero? He single handedly stops crime.
I love meeting new people. Meating. I love meating new people.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it's like excuse me, I'm working here.
What can a lawyer do that a duck can't? Stick his bill up his arse.
You can't leave the aquarium with a penguin. It's a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop. Ma'am, it's moving. I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Why did the pasta get in trouble? Because he was stroganoff!
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Just once I'd like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do... Without being dragged out being told, "Ma'am, you're not the bride..."
Him: How does my football throw look to you? Me: Like you're good at science...
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying "at least I didn't kill anybody" to like every person he sees today.
I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I'm 40. I'm not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.
So what do you say to an invisible man? Stand Clear.
I can't wear preppy clothes... I'm Lacoste Intolerant.
Which part of a vegetable isn't edible? His wheelchair.
What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur? Lickalotapus
Two fish are in a tank... One looks at the other and says "how the fuck are we supposed to drive this thing?"
What do you call an anti-social black man? A brown recluse.
what do a divorce and a tornado have in common in west virginia? either way you lose the trailer
Every cab driver I've ever had seems like he killed thousands of people in his homeland.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house. I didn't know what to make of it.
[party in 1939] teen: truth or dare hitler: dare teen: dare you to invade poland hitler: omg no way u guys all the teens: DO IT DO IT
Where does Obama live? The "Baracks"
Tried to prank my Tibetan Buddhist friend. I tried to prank my Buddhist friend from Tibet, I told him the Dalai Lama had died. He was skeptical and said ill bereave it when I see it.
At the rate I'm throwing shit out as I pack to move there's a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Chuck Norris Joke Chuck Norris tells Preston about settlements that need help.
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.
Why cant programmers tell the difference between christmas and thanksgiving? Because oct 31 = dec 25
Italy in the 2014 FIFA world cup What's the difference between Italy and a tea bag? Ones in a cup
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
There's only one difference between Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick's Day... On Cinco de Mayo no one wants to pretend to be Mexican.
I was sitting on my dolphin, then I fell off. Butt not on porpoise.
I was having a hard time remembering my PIN on my debit card.... So I changed it to 0911. That way I never forget.
The worst part about working with a bunch of dicks... ...is they tend to rub off on you.
What kind of phone does Hades use half the year for making booty calls? The Perse-phone.
My jewish co-worker told me this one What did the pedophile jew tell the kid? "wanna buy candy?"
Strippers won't tell you their real names for privacy, But they'll show you their buttholes for $5
Outspoken masochists. They're asking for a beating.
I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.
Lawyer: "Let me give you my honest opinion."  Client: "No no. I'm paying for professional advice."
Why does a blonde girl have a bruised belly button? She has a blonde boyfriend.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Did you hear about the airplane that crashed into a cemetery? They recovered 12,000 bodies.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it's just a scratch MAN: [with a cold] omg i can't breathe i think i'm dying
[god creating an pigeon] what if i gave this piece of shit wings
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with Cheese
Why do black people like basketball? Because it invovles running, shooting, and stealing.
"My uncle is a dead person guy". Me last night when I couldn't think of the word mortician
Hey guys keep up the "Bush did 9/11" tweets I think the pressure is really grinding his gears
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I dont mind doing a 5km but I cant be fucked doing a 10km run
If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.
How many Dragon Ball Z episodes does it take to change a lightbulb? ***Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z***
What does an iPhone 7 and The Titanic have in common? The end has no Jack.
Why did god give Women legs? So they didn't leave slug trails. My father told me that when I was 8 years old.
How much do all the bones in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.
What does Sonic say on Ramadan? "Gotta go fast!"
When in Rome... Crucify Jesus
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
Good neighbors never bother you. Great neighbors don't call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
What happens when you witness a shipwreck? You let it sink in.
What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice fuckin' belt."
Just thought this one up: What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common? They both know when it's time to turn things over.
BBC SPORT: Kilmarnock interested in Belgian defender Mark de Man. Apparently, they are also interested in his compatriots, striker Skor de Gaulle and goalkeeper Bloek de Schott.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
How did the midget feel when he found out he was retarded? A little Down.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? R! Aaaarrrgghhhh! You'd think it'd be R but it's the C, matey!
My dad was a construction site thief When I got home all the signs were there.
How can you tell if a Volcano is Jewish? It has a build up of shmagma around the rim.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
So... a dyslexic man walks into a bra.
What do you do if a gang of clowns attack you? Go for the juggler.
Why is six scared of seven? Because seven is black.
Sorry about all of the alcohol and drugs, my body, but I took two sips of water before I fell asleep so we're good.
Hello, I'm a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.
You know you're fat when when... Your penis is an *innie*.
How does a redneck mom know her daughter is on the rag? Her son's dick tastes funny.
What's the difference between a book and a Mexican? Books have papers....
In the past hour I've dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for  transplants? A: They've had little use.
I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games
My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it's Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing Basketball? Juan on Juan
Doctor: where does it hurt? Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]
JESUS: everyone loves me GABRIEL: wat about judas GOD: o snap JESUS: dad GOD: u've just been... JESUS: dont do this GOD: TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL
[First Date] HER: I love dogs. ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador - medium rare.
Having sex was like riding a bicycle for the first time... My dad was there holding me from the back.
The Never Ending Story should've been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
What does Delia Smith say when she wants to fight a road? 'Let's be avenue.'
What new feature will the next Star Wars movie have that the old ones didn't? Han-free
bungee jumping A kid walks up to his mom and asks, Mom, can I go bungee jumping? The mom says No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!
What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Graaaaaaiiiiiinnns
Maybe this is the vodka speaking, but Hi! I'm made from potatoes!
Why was oedipus against profanity Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Life is like a toilet paper... You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
My Favorite Limerick There once was a fellow McSweeney Who put some gin on his weenie Just to be couth He added vermouth And slipped his girlfriend a martini
I love pteradons They're my favorite dinosoars.
Who's the fattest knight at the king's table? circumference
Want to hear a bird joke? Oops i forgot it. *Hawkward*.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a set of drums.
What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress? Me
So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine... Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some? Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish. Me: No, it's free! *from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*
Why are female inmates bad at grammar? Because they have their period in the middle of their sentence.
Where do Muslims go after they die? Everywhere.
God said onto the sodomites "go fuck yourselves" And so they did
Why Can't Atheists Solve Exponential Equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
I hate all the "creepy clown" news. I'm having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
What's white and washes your socks? Your wife.
Playing video games cost me my life. Luckily, I've almost collected 100,000 Space Eggs from the Planet Zogg so I'll get another one.
So a Korean ferry capsized with over 280 people lost overboard. Not entirely a waste. Now we have 280 extra divers looking for flight MH370.
"Haha totally man" - me, after failing to understand someone for a third time.
Did you hear about the new German microwave? It seats 20.
In space they just call it "Jam"
Naming my law firm/night club "Mullet." People will have to walk through the business in the front to get to the party in the back.
The one good thing about Hitler? He killed Hitler.
How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it wont screw.
How do you kill a vampire from the South? With a chicken fried stake
If you're creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Women are good for 2 things... Actually 3, if they take it in the ass.
My grandmother used to tell us a joke... She'd say "Knock knock", we'd say "Who's there?". Then she'd say "I can't remember"... and start to cry.
Why are Pakistan not allowed to play football? Because every time they get a corner they set up a shop.
What do you get when a superhero has to use the restroom? A comic relief.
The Joys of Hitch-hiking by Marsha Long
How old were you on your last birthday?  Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday? Ten.  Oh I don't think that's possible. Oh yes it is - I'm nine today.
What is the most awkward name a gay person can have? Christian
A guy votes for Donald Trump The guy
Why is American Airlines the best airlines company? Because they are the only one to drop you directly to your office.
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.
Just once I'd like to see an NFL coach show a little sportsmanship and wear a sweatshirt or hat with the other team's logo.
Why is Mortal Kombat X popular among SJWs? Because it has the Block Button. *cue the flames*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Did you hear about the fire at the cheese factory? Nearly a total loss... All that was left was de-brie.
Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a  patient six months to live? When the patient couldn't pay the doctor gave him another six months.
A scientific study recently discovered that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy They're Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy, and Doc
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face-off in the corner.
A couple are having sex... She is riding him like a bull, he's just staring at the ceiling, She yells:" Say something dirty to me!" He says : " Kitchen"
I went to the zoo the other day, all they had was a small dog. It was a shit-zoo.
Everyone in this reddit likes the same food? Copy Pasta
What did the pirate pirate say on his 80th birthday? "I can't believe I'm still illegally downloading movies at this age!"
A Giraffe walks into a bar...... .... He looks at everyone and says: "High Balls on me!"
A dick has a sad life... His neighbors are nuts, his bestfriend's a pussy, his owner beats him, and his hair is a mess.
You said you couldn't live without me, so it's very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
When life gives you melons... You're probably dyslexic
People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself
What do you call an Autobot who works in an overpriced makeup store at the mall ? Ulta Magnus!
Joke of the millennium.. Teacher -"Where is the CAPITAL of out COUNTRY???" Student -"in Swiss Banks".. :P :D lolx
"Honey why are there broken condoms on our sofa?" "Shhhhh, our kids'll hear you"
My dick was once in the book of world records... But then I got kicked out of the library.
I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release It was destiny
What do you call a Vulcan sheep? Shbaaaaaaaahk
So apparently Robert Downy Jr came out as trans recently, I had a feeling he was Fe-male
If Bob Marley were alive today, what would he listen to music on? An iAndiPod. Just made that one up. I can hear the groans.
How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to change the bulb, three to stand around so he has someone to hi-five after.
"Please don't make a scene." -Horrible movie director
When I get to my deathbed.... I hope it's a tempurpedic.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in.. and softly whisper... "I'll do your housework for you"
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: Fsh.
BREAKING NEWS: Deflated toothpaste tube found in Brady's locker! I wonder how Tom and Patriots will react to Colegate...
How does a Xenomorph reveal its sexuality to friends and family? At night. Mostly.
My girlfriend must think that I'm John Cena. She told me she's not seeing me anymore.
How does a deaf Gynecologist communicate with his patients? He reads lips.
Why couldn't the pornstar join the navy? There was too much seamen.
What do I have in common with Franz Kafka? Neither of us have finished The Castle.
Bin Laden is also responsible for all of my typos and unfunny tweets.
It's totally amazing how cars run on dinosaur poop or however the fuck fossils work. I'm not a dinosaur scientition over here. Fuck's sake.
*Writes "For a good time call" on random gas station bathroom wall *adds work phone number *Gets excited about work today
Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment.
I'm drinking some pretty average tea... It's Mediocritea.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
What do flies do at church? Flyspray
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids] I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Why didn't Bruce Willis star in the movie "Titanic"? Because he would've saved everybody.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole "i don't give a shit anymore" pizzas
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they're whispering "no weirdos please" to themselves.
I'm tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can't wear a ski mask in a bank
"Let me be clear" the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
What's four inches long and drives women crazy? A 100 dollar bill you pervert!
What do you call a gigolo you don't pay? A Free Willy.
I like my whiskey as I like my women. 12 years old and mixed with coke
Playing guitar is a sin... ...after all, Jesus told his disciples to "fret not."
It's just an alarm clock Really, it is. http://imgur.com/tdZrIAB
Who cleans up after Seeing Eye Dogs?
My wife has been around the block a few dozen times, if you know what I mean. She's a mail carrier.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I like my woman how I like my burritos Wet
I invited a few friends to an orgy I was hosting... Everyone came.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
What do you call your ex-girlfriend in Maryland? Old bae.
What does a gay crow say? COCK COCK COCK COCk
what does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back **FOUR SECONDS**!
*At a clothing store* Worker: Do you need any help sir? Me: *Mixes "No, I'm good" & "No, I'm just looking"* Me:"No, I'm just good looking"
I called the fortune-teller for an appointment. She said "We will meet at 2pm" ... I didn't go
A koala is sitting in a bar.. I chopped him up and put him in there. I couldn't make him fit as a whole.
Just got fired from my job at the chip shop for sticking my dick in the potato peeler And she got fired too!
When you take a Wiz.. do you get a sense of Khalifa?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Why are all ants British? Because they colonize.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? "Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"
What did one candle say to the  other? "Don't birthdays burn you up?"
Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
Anyway, I heard some "Norwegian black metal" today. Let's just say there's a reason no one ever built cities on it...
Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself.
Adrian Peterson just announced his retirement from the NFL and will be joining the Minnesota Twins as a switch hitter. (Sorry, news was too depressing not to joke about it)
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Adam Sandler
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
A man goes in to the doctor's for a checkup... The doctor says "Let's get started, shall we? Why don't you take your clothes off and put them over there... Next to mine."
Einstein invented a theory about space... and it was about time too!
I can sum up 2016 in one word... Nine.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Where do the stinky penguins live? Antfartica
Why did the paraplegic man cross the road? He couldn't
How can you tell if you're racist? You only pick out the K's when you take an eye exam.
A psychic midget escaped from jail... Police bulletin read, "Small medium at large."
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
"Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big." "That's a smart car."
FROSTY DIVORCE Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What type of fruit can you not eat just one of? A Pair!
I was tired of not finding a seat in rush-hour commutes... Which is why, I started passing stool on the train.
Good News! Jesus is Coming! Bad News! He's bring terraforming equipment.
My friend Carlos got his car stolen. We just call him Los now.
How long is a meter in Spain? A Spanard
Never correct my son when he calls Kanye West, "Kenny West."
I always have a quick look over my shoulder when sorting out my washing for the washing machines "Blacks!" "Coloured!" "Whites!"
Why was the cancer doctor so tired? He was always oncol
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Wife: We're going to Jessie's BBQ today. Me: She's the one with the big--- Wife: They're fake! Me: So? -liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Q. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.
What 6 words destroy any religious argument as well as your oppositions desire and ability to continue said argument? 1.)Prove 2.)That 3.)Shit 4.)You 5.)Fucking 6.)Cunt
Life is like a pipette filler It sucks.
A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. How many tunes should the bard play? Fortunes.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Watching the Flintstones in the UAE... is not possible in Dubai because the people don't like it. But the people from Abu Dhabi do.
I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers  but I think 2 are cops.
I haven't slept for 3 days... Because that would be way too long.
Why do they call it GOLF? Because FUCK and SHIT were already taken.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Recent studies have shown that women overwhelmingly prefer 77, rather than 69. Top analysts this is because they get 8 more.
If you show me an Italian assembly line... I'll show you a well oiled machine.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
What do you call a manic bear? A bipolar bear.
What do you call a vehicle that has changed gender? TRANSportation
When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid. It made my blood boil.
"You have a date? With who?" [Sees a fishing boat] "Uh, her name is Net..." [Sees someone with a booger] "Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit."
My girlfriends father wouldn't let us sleep together when I stayed over at her house Which is a shame because he's very attractive.
Mumford & Sons! It's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you're looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
What does Supertramp do after buying rice? They take the long-grain home.
Why didn't the bird cross the road? It chickened out.
What is green and flies above Poland? Peter Pansky
Two translators are on a sinking ship... The first says: "Do you know how to swim?" The second says: "No but I can shout for help in 19 different languages"
Out of order. How does a time traveler tell jokes?
My daydream solution to organizing my house is always arson.
What did the masturbator say when returning the porn that his friend let him borrow? [OC] Thanks, came in handy!
Peanut Butter and Jam Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
A hole was discovered in the fence of a nudist community. Police are looking into it.
I refuse to work with compost It's degrading
My girlfriend broke up with me because she's lesbian today. She also decided she's a pescetarian.
Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo Today ? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
Not right now green light, I'm taking a selfie.
What happens when you see two twin sister witches? You don't know which witch is which!
I just started Caitlyn Jenner's new diet plan. Its a lot like the Atkins diet except it is all transfats.
I just spotted a Chihuahua! That wasn't very nice you shouldn't draw on dogs!
Who's the dictator that reports on youtube drama? Keem Jong Un.
Volkswagen should hire Arnold Schwarzenegger to deal with their emission scandal He's got experience with a Total Recall
I remember this one time I ran out of gas. It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone. I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.
I was recently in court with a necrophiliac as a judge... Everyone got the death sentence.
It's sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, "Can a 9 date an 8?"
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
What do you get when you cross a Classical German composer with an erupting volcano? Baklava. (It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, "you have a problem" so I replied, "no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar."
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Life is so damn funny when you have a dirty mind . . .
If God doesn't want us to masturbate... then why does he always make one sock disappear in the dryer?
I can't get enough minimalism.
Her: Let's read your horoscope... Do you believe in astrology? Me: No. That's such a scam. Well, at least that's what my psychic says.
You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.
Why are smaller breasts better for breastfeeding? They're more of a kids meal.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you're out with your wife.
I Don't Nap Because I Have Tentonitish I fall asleep around 2 and don't wake up till ten tonightish
What's the diffence between a thong and a bandsaw? Nothing... Just one inch of a slip with your finger and you're in deep shit in both cases.
What has 2 eyes, 2 belly buttons and 2 legs? 2 pirates.
I think these protesters are sending the wrong message... because they keep telling me to Love Trump's Hate.
I've been clean for 47 days I'm taking daily baths but it's okay because I've been using heroin to cope.
Charlie Manson has served his time, it's time to release him back into society. Somewhere near Justin Bieber.
The Human Centipede review I found it a little tongue-in-cheek... Source: Dad
Was just watching Animal Planet, and get this, hippos don't really eat marbles!
It is not a middle finger It is my unicorn fist
Just watched a woman put on her sunglasses before walking into a restaurant, in case you wondered what living in LA is like.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? R? You'd think that but it's the C.
Spike from the Land Before Time movies is the best character ever! Literally in the first 30 seconds after hatching he yawns, eats an entire bush, and takes a nap, he's like me on valentines day.
the Grinch was a religious minority w/ legitimate issues of systematic injustice & economic discrimination & the movie about him is bigotry
BOSS: I'm sorry I just don't trust your judgment. ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? 2 kilo mockingbirds
'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-) Saw a sign outside of an office building which said "Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled"
A girl goes into the doctors and says, 'Doctor i have a pencil stuck in my pussy i might get lead poisoning, doctor looked and said ' dont worry it has a rubber on it.
When the guy at the liquor store offered to throw in some ketchup packets, I automatically said yes. Still not sure why.
When is a bicycle not a bicycle? When it turns into a driveway.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
MISSED CONNECTION: I was the customer. You were the cable guy. You said you'd be here by 5 but you never came you piece of shit I'm gonna fi
[at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom
How much do you love kids? On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky, how much do you love kids?
How do you know that your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.
So hard to hurt a vampire's feelings because you can't say "how do you sleep at night?" or "how do you look at yourself in the mirror?"
These quad copters just can't seem to leave the news... The media and hobbyists just keep droning on and on about them
Why is your mother like the universe? They both create gravity waves when they bang.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers....well now i don't feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Q: What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? A: surname
what's the deal with "airplane food?" newsflash, jerry: it's called jet fuel.
What to mopeds and fat chicks have in common? They're both fun to ride until one of your friends sees you on one.
I like my coffee like I like my women... Without a penis
What's the difference between Jews and Pizzas? Pizzas don't scream in the oven. *Preparing self For the downvotes/Report*
You know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed.
How to get the pussy: 1. go to the animal shelter 2. adopt a kitten 3. show your female friends 4. they fall in love with the kitten 5. they fall in love with you 6. slammed with pussy
Q: What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock? - A: Catsup!
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything. Ninja: So does a samurai sword. L: But does it make a cool noise? N: *cuts off Luke's other hand*
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Alligators and Condoms Are two things I don't fuck with
A joke about rehab and people who think they are better than you...and horses? That horse you're on needs to go to rehab, because he is FUCKING HIGH!
What does a subatomic duck say? "Quark!"
At the grocery store. Customer: "Are these GMO carrots?" Worker: "No, why do you ask?" Carrot: "Yeah, why do you ask?"
My quantum milkshake machine brings every boy to all yards.
My life has been going round in circles recently. I'm starting to think that my wheelchair is faulty.
I'm glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don't know what I'd do with all this work.
So french me was speaking in english with one of my friends, when suddenly he starts making fun of my accent.... I told him it was the only car i could afford!
What did the two story house say to its friend after it had just finished working out, and it's friend invited I to a party? I'm two tiered. I came up with this at 1am, enjoy.
What's the difference between a fox and a dog? About 7 beers.
What did the pony say after he coughed? "Excuse me, I'm a little hoarse."
Why is death rate among 20-25 year-old Chinese people rapidly increasing? It's just youth in asia.
I think Mondays were invented to punish us for all the fun we have on the weekends!
WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
Why couldn't the melon couple run off and get married? Because they can't elope.
Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like? Izzy: Pretty girls? "Yeah!" Axl: Nice lawns! "Huh?" Axl: Green grass! "Grass is alw-" Axl: JUST WRITE IT
A Priest, rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar And orders a drink
Do you know anything about real estate? "Points to groin" Can you tell me if this is a "lot"
What do you call a girl who pushed her father off a cliff? Pushpa!!
My nieces just asked me if God is real. I'm tired so I'm just going to show them "The Exorcist." This babysitting stuff is a breeze!
What do you call a chinese jew? Oriental Cooking
One guacamole is... equal to 6.0221415 x 10^23 guaca's.
What do you get when you cross a dog with an amplifier? A subwoofer.
a really bad joke i made up and thought it should be shared with everyone. Q.how do dogs communicate? A. by pee-mail
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed.
"Any idea how to make a lasagne, Barry?" "Not a clue mate, but I Bechemal would know"
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business
Where do you find a dog that has no legs? Where you left it.
Always a metermaid never a meter
What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money? Blacking out and gaining money.
Would you rather have a threesome or dinner with your parents? Personally, I choose dinner with parents. I mean if I'm gonna disappoint two people at once, I at least want it to be two people I know.
I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken... On the plus side, it still worked.
What happens to a legend's career when he loses his leg? It ends.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She's going to be eating me!
Russian skater just explained that he is "not a robot," proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I'm not either.
Pro Tip: Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said%
Q: How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it? A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
How do you catch a unique lion? Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame lion? tame way! Zingo!
I Set my alarm clock to 9:11. So I would "never forget"
Oral relief 'Darling, I want some.... Oral relief.'    'You mean you want a blowjob?'      'No, I just want you to shut up.'
The only part I hate about not wearing pants is having to wipe snot on my bare legs.
The Universe is made of Electrons, Protons, Neutrons and.. Morons.
What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common? They both shred footage. (*be gentle, it's my first time.*)
A lady crashed into a McDonald's here in town. Hey Leno, here's a free one for you: "Looks like she took 'drive-thru' a bit too literally!"
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick
There's a cool sport called Volcano Diving..... You'll only do it once.
What did the left tower say to the right tower? I gotta catch a plane
What was Alex Rodriguez's last hit? Who gives a shit, he's finally done ruining the sport.
The thin,healthy, smart people are really missing out on some horrible food at Burger King.
Always respect a woman and never call her a bitch unless, you know, you're telling her to get you a sandwich.
I don't know what fool first decided to put carrots in the cake, but they sure lucked out.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
What's the worse thing to hear during a prostate exam? A zip.
Chestnut. What do you call a nut on a chest? A chestnut. What do you call a nut on a wall? A walnut. What do you call a nut on a chin? A blowjob.
Why can't Harry Potter distinguish between his best friend and his pot in potions class? They're both cauldron
Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
Why was the Jew afraid to eat the pizza? Because it had pork sausage toppings.
What do you call it when you can't see your skin? Pore resolution
Hi and welcome to the hidden chair club. Please find a seat.
My gym sent me home for following their motto it's confusing, they need to change it to "go hard and go home"
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.
How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house? Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway.
Did you guys hear about the murderer who stole a train in Mexico? They say he had a loco motive.
Why do rogues wear leather armoe? Because it's made of hide.
There was a water fight at our local park today... ...and I won!!! Nobody is a match for me and my kettle!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I like my coffee like I like my women... In the kitchen.
Did you hear about the witch who ate 10 packs of gum? She had some double bubble toilet trouble.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop He says can you make me one with everything?
What do Jimmy Saville and Lady Thatcher have in common? They both fucked miners in the 80s.
My naked wife fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?
The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans
I ate some Girl Scout Cookies that were way past their expiration date... ...and ended up with a nasty bout of samoanella.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Look at all these people writing in Starbucks, just like Hemingway.
What did Samsung say after Apple came out of the closet? But I'm gayer and water resistant!
What's the difference between Canadians and Americans? 100 pounds.
I remember.. going to a store with 20$ and coming home with groceries to last for a week. But now? Damn security cameras everywhere..
Burger King's slogan "Have It Your Way" was shortened from "Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way".
Love is fun, but it's not going to pay the bills its a lol
Duck. A duck walks into a bar. The barman asks "What will it be?" The duck doesn't answer because he's a duck.
the only dates i get Are the system software updates to my xbox. Play station. PC. Phone...
Whats the hardest part of vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
If a bend in a shoreline creates a large ocean inlet, but no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? ... think about it.
Did you hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he ... /Badump-psh.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
What do you get if you cross a pitbull and a hooker? Your last blowjob.
What do Mexicans put under their carpet? Underlay! Underlay!
What do all Amish girls want? Two Mennonite
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered sex offender.
My friend told me the other day that every time he buys his girlfriend shoes he gets a blow job. Turns out he's head over heels.
The CDC has updated their rules for handling Ebola: 1) put your left leg in 2) take your left leg out 3) shake it all about
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
A mother was tucking her son in one night she really wanted a daughter
What's the worst part about dating a French horn player? Whenever you kiss, they shove their fist up your ass.
I think Oranges were named before Carrots "What are these?" "They're orange....oranges" "What about these" "Shit....long pointys???" Demitri Martin https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYVrp_GsinE
It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen...
I think my girlfriend might be mad at me, so I'm going to make her a mix-tape to show her how much I care.
What would happen if pigs could fly? Bacon would go up!
How much does the average gay man ejaculate? I don't know but I hear it's an assload.
Who was the chicken's favorite musician? Bach.
Why was the London sperm bank so unsuccessful? The were only two donors. One came on the bus, the other missed the tube.
I had two gorgeous cats... One was called Idonknow and the other Idonremember. Unfortunately, idonremember jumped from the Golden Gate bridge and died. Which dog remained alive?
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
What's the difference between the worst sex you ever had, and the best sex you ever had? Doesn't matter; Had sex 
BRUCE JENNER CHANGE OVER WHEN BRUCE JENNER FINISHES HIS CHANGE OVER IN BECOMING A WOMAN, OUT OF CURIOSITY (WINK WINK) I'D LIKE TO SEE HOW BIG HIS ASS IS GOING TO BE
What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer? PC Plod.
If you think grammar isn't important, well, it's.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
A homeless guy jumps on your back... Do you carry him around or beat him off?
You're a Carrot I wish, I'd be easier on the eyes.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Friendly Competition my girlfriend and i often laugh about how competitive we are. but i laugh more :)
I'm no gynecologist but I know a c*nt when I see one.
What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill? Hope you're ready for the next episode
Everyone should have a good, somewhat clean, joke on hand to tell in a pinch. What's yours?
Knock knock. Who's there? Early punchline Early punchline who? ......
Two toilets were fighting one day when the first toilet said to the second toilet "Put up your dooks".
I just ate 40 cheese sticks in a row! BAM! Looks like I don't need a "family" to get "value" out of your stupid bag!
Why JFK doesn't wear hats? It is an airport.
There's no "i" in "team" but there are like millions of other words with "i" in them so what's the big deal about "team" anyway?
Why does everyone care who Tom Brady voted for? What we really wanna know is who Ja Rule voted for. WHERE IS JA?!
Educational video website Lynda.com got hacked I hope they learned their lesson.
Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster that got a boob job? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
Some people dream of success, others are awake & work hard at it.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Last rites? Over my dead body...
What goes cluck, cluck, cluck, boom? A chicken stepping on a landmine.
What did one testicle ask the other testicle? Why do we have to hang? Dick did the shooting!
Procrastination is just like masturbation It feels good but you wish someone else would just do it for you.
Took a while, but I finally found the perfect background pic to update my desktop with. So yeah, totally carpe'd the shit out of this diem.
To celebrate Independence Day I'm finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
Mike tyson needed to beat his trainer to move up from 11th place in a tournament. He couldn't beat his trainer because he was in tenth.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and she hit the windshield! 911: How's her head? Me: Her sister's better.
I was going to have a wank at the Vatican while I was there on vacation. But I thought about it and it has probably been done before and I would hate to be seen as the second coming.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker's closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Just went to pick up a paper clip but accidentally picked up two paper clips. Sometimes I don't know my own strength
For school I had to write a thousand word essay So I drew a picture
Two parrots were sitting on a perch One says to the other, "Something smells a bit fishy!"
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high... She looked surprised.
What do Mormons say when they go to the strip club? Do they come in bulk?
What do you call a bug that bothers dogs on Halloween? A trick-or-fleat!
Mom: "Why are you always on your phone? What's so great about the internet?" Me: It doesn't constantly ask me questions
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here." A time traveller walks into a bar.
Whats invisible and smells like carrots? bunny farts
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change !
My girlfriend said she's disgusted that I pick my nose so much. I just blew it, didn't I?
Did you hear about that deaf guy that tried climbing Mount Everest? Neither did he. Worst part was, no one ever heard from him again.
[Guy goes on a date w me] Hm not sure if he likes me [13 more dates] Dunno? [Marries me] It's so confusing [Stays w me 30 yrs] How do u tell
Did you hear about the new tractor movie? I heard it has a good trailer.
Marriage, Or as I like to call it; The wonder years Wonder why she is mad this time Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
How was Germany able to Take over Poland so easily. They marched backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
What is the only bent straight line? Its one direction of course.
Boxers leave me feeling unsupported. But I guess I shouldn't expect a man who has forged his hands into weapons to gently cup my balls.
I'm a Buddhist pothead so I hope I'm reincarnated as a horse so I can come back and eat grass all day.
What do you call a bisexual Scandinavian A bi-king. I know that was terrible. Also I'm not being racist because i'm from Scandinavia.
Two mexicans are in a car. Who drives? The police officer
Scrabble is adding 5,000 new words including "chillax" and "selfie." So kids, there's never been a better time to challenge your grandparents to a game of Scrabble.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven's odd.
Why is semen white and pee yellow? So you know whether he's coming or going.
95% of the world is retarded I'm glad I'm part of the 10%
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I'm going to die, right ?
What is ET short for? He's got little legs.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
1 and 2 dogs name you'r dogs 1 and 2.You eat One. You still have two.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
What noise does a cat make going down the highway  ? Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
New definition of punishment When you get to a reddit thread after all the puns have been taken.
*calls you by wrong name in bed, blames autocorrect*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Good Cop: If you confess now, you'll probably just get probation. Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Why do the French have so many civil wars? So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)
If your partner asks, "Do you love your phone more than you love me?" Lie.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
What country do cows love to visit? Moo Zealand!
Hamster PickUp Line? If I was a Hamster, and I met a female hamster I liked...id say "Aye Girl, You From Amsterdam? Cause Hamster Damn!"
I remember that one time, before Twitter, when I went outside and did shit.
Shouldn't elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Accidentally swallowed some food coloring. I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside
How did the polish terrorist burn his lips? Burned them on a cars tailpipe when he tried blowing it up.
Q: What do snake charmers do in the rain? A: Turn on their windshield vipers.
[wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things i asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your wife has to chew before she swallows.
Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane? He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.
It's windows 10 because 7 8 9
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys *I open the wrong side of juice carton* *evil spirit flies out* Oh, so that's why they say don't do that
If a Danish Paraplegic ever attacks you.... Tell him to Lego
Don't you just hate it when... people don't finish their
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
Life is like a penis. It's soft and squishy until a girl comes along and makes it hard.
Asian keanu Asian Keanu arrives at a party Asian Keanu gets bored Asian keanu Reeves
Probably the worst thing about getting taken down by a pack of Hyenas would be hearing them giggle while they eat you.
hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?
Have you heard Julian Assange never spends more than 20 seconds in the restroom? Yeah, he's infamous for his quickieleaks.
Can you believe this guy watching porn on the bus over my shoulder?
Did you hear the one about the dog who was into S&amp;M? He liked it ruff.
Live tweeting tomorrow's hangover tonight.
I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don't need that kind of incentive to visit again.
Stranger: Sir your fly is down... Me: Oh geez! Thanks. *Bends down and picks up fly* Me: He's had some wing issues lately
True or False? How deep is the Grand Canyon? First post please be considerate but and criticism is welcome
Why is six afraid of seven? seven eight nine. (seven ate nine)
Why did the coke dealer retire? He was tired of putting his business in other peoples' noses
Tonight I was Attacked by 4-5 Terrorists . They were in Car with full loaded Guns. But thanks god I wake up.
Q: What kind of fish has two knees? A: A tunee fish.
Two rabbits were being chased by a group of hunters One turned to the other and asked "Do we make a run for it or stay here and outnumber them?"
While browsing my local sex shop I ended up meeting the love of my life... She even came with batteries too!
A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"? His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".
almost hit a biker while i was texting & driving today so please you guys be careful do NOT ride bikes
"At least 2017 can't be any worse than 2016" Narrator: "This is the most incorrect anyone has ever been"
what's your plan for this rap battle? "just keep rhyming his name till he can't recover" dope, here he comes *in walks a giant orange*
A keyboard walks into a bar He orders a round of drinks fir everyone. The bartender asks him how he will be paying for the drinks. The keyboard says "just put it on my tab."
What's a basic girl's favorite vegetable? Asperrygus
Why did the bishop love Walmart? 'Coz the boys pants are all half off.
Way less people would sneeze in public if we replaced "bless you" with "nice filthcloud."
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty] Boss: *points to memo on desk* "It says no Halloween costumes" Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me: I'm so tired. Phone: Put me down and go to sleep. Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
How many Broncos does it take to change a tire? One. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up.
Do you know what I miss about my childhood? Not caring about spelling and chocolate milf
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister- Me: Stop tattling. I don't want to hear about it unless there's blood. 5: Me: 5: How much blood?
Why did the restaurant on the moon fail? They barely had any atmosphere.
What are your thoughts on monorails? They make decent one-liners.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb One, they're efficient and not very funny
I used to hate mushrooms But then they grew on me
(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex? Is it alright if I cum inside?
What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost.
I hate when movies say "May contain nudity." Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.
Why to Native Americans wear Jockstraps? TOTEM POLE!!
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO, SENSEI! Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
So this guy comes into a bar... no, wait - it was a horse. So this guy comes into a horse....
Q: Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb? A: Because he was in need of a light snack.
It might seem unusual to feed a horse using one's anus. Butt hay, who am I to judge?
What is the worst part about having sex with an old woman? Ever open a grilled cheese sandwich?
Restaurant A friend said she heard there's a wonderful restaurant on the moon, but nobody goes there because there's no atmosphere...
I like my beer like I like my neighbours White.
Did you hear that einstein made a theory about space It's about time too
The Escaping Herd by Gay Topen
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. The rooster did.
What's brown and sticky? A stick. I wood've thought of something more original, but I tree-ly can't be bothered, so here you go.
people of reddit... You copy my jokes, You paste my links, You bury my comments. Godmam it, and my mom made every one pie, sleep over at my house...
I'm agnostic. What happens when I die? Idk...
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap... So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn't sleep through my alarm again.
My dad beat my brother when he showed him his report card. So, I gave my report card to my mother. Let her take the beating.
What goes down but never comes up? The /r/news sub count.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles* ME: that supposed to intimidate me? *his fingers start to glow like glowsticks* ME: k I'm scared but thats rad
I do this cool trick when you introduce yourself where I concentrate on literally anything else in the universe except your name.
This is the first Super Bowl party I've been to where there are babies. Not sure what to do. Do I, like, offer them a beer or something?
I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the Baltimore Zoo.
A priest opens a restaurant... and calls it "Braise the Lord"
So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse So a man comes into a horse
I am not racist ... My shadow is black.
Me and my family are always drinking alcohol when we get together What can I say, it's in our blood.
Thoughts on my new mustache. It's growing on me.
Please sign my petition to make Matthew McConaughey the voice for Siri.
How Do You Make a Plumber Cry Kill his Family.
What do pirate farmers charge for their corn? A buccaneer
I have a joke about Physics... But meh. I guess it wouldn't matter.
Hand holding: You know why men hold their wife's/ girlfriend's hand in shopping malls? Because if he doesn't , she will shop.
What's the healthiest sport a pregnant women can play? Kick boxing
People keep telling me that they are annoyed by all my Linkin Park references... but in the end, it doesn't even matter...
A man on the subway awoke to an early morning blowjob. He had left his mouth open while he was sleeping
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
There are 10 kinds of people... ... Those that understand binary, and those that don't :)
My Dad wrote an ok joke Dad: You know Trump just wants to be a penis potato. Me: ...What? Dad: He wants to be a Dick-tator
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
A woman is at the doctors office and the doctor asks the woman, do you know what your ass hole is doing during an orgasm? I don't know probably out golfing with his buddies.
"And remember to talk to everyone like they're a 3rd grader." - flight attendant manual
BANG BANG! Q: Why did the mirror have holes in it? A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself.
One liner. I have a cold. The stuff that's coming out of my nose could turn turtles into ninjas.
what's the difference between a cow and 9/11? you can't milk a cow for 14 years
What do you call a baker who doesn't make bread? I don't dough!
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Butch ! Butch who ? Butch your arms around me !
Why is it called Black Friday? Because everything is a steal.
My gay friend got stoned today. I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.
What do you call the Asian-Mexican master race from outer space? Illegal Aryans
Unable to fall asleep all night from browsing on your iPhone? There's a nap for that.
What do you call a fat psychic... ...a psychic you fat shaming cunt
Hello I like you I could see myself shutting up for a second and listening to your words
TIFU by having sex in an elevator
What do you call a Greek with a spanking fetish? Spanakopita
If I didn't have to pee, I'd probably never get out of bed.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
There's a fire at a trick birthday candle plant. Firefighters have been battling the blaze on and off for 5 days.
it's true My wife says not everybody pees in the shower. I need yall's help proving her wrong. Rate: Pees in shower and proud of it! Comment: Uh, no! What is wrong with you?!
why do girls wear makeup and perfume? because they're ugly and they stink.
What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back? The worst case of suicide he's ever seen.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I'll be your baby's godmother.
What do Detroit and the Olympics have in common? You hear a gunshot and see a bunch of black guys running
ME: in closing, all of the facts I've presented today prove that Bush did 911 PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Kidnapper." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "I'm a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop."
I bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because Oct31 = Dec25
If you're ever in a room where a doll should happen to come to life it would be prudent to leave that room
An unfortunate blind date. that's the last blind date I go on. She turned up. hit me with her cane then her dog bit me. It was like she couldn't even see.
I like my women like I like my microwaves... ... cold on the outside, and kills any baby that you put inside.
If I had a nickel for every time I jerked off... I'd be a jizzillionaire!
Why are girls so hot? because they lay out in the sun so much lol :P
What do you call a slutty horse? A Whorse
So an elephant and a naked man are talking, you know how that goes... and the elephant says to the naked man. "Its cute but can you really breathe through it?"
Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I'm in it
How Russians win wars Rushing
"You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl
I told my disbelieving Egyptian friend that he was standing in a river... ...but he was in The Nile.
- 911, what's your emergency? - My nephew just swallowed a lighter! - What's your address? - Never mind, I found some matches.
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein? No Whey Jose.
How do you make cultured milk? You take it to the Moo-seum. I know this joke is terrible, but I totally came up with it on my own, but I'm sure it exists already.
How do you get a post that's not a joke into /r/jokes? Like this.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just "get over it" when I'm depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Knock knock. Who's there? She. She who? She'd ............................ get it
Dyslexia The difference between baking ricin vs. rice pudding for your friends and family this holiday season.
If you're going to have sex with someone you don't know, always ask... ...
New year Happy happy new year a little boy said to his girlfriend happy new year girl said first give gift then celebrate happy new year
I once knew a women who started walking five miles a day when she turned 60... . Well, she's 99 now and we have no idea where she is.
What does a perverted cow do at night? Beef Jerkey
You wouldn't know her. She goes to a different Internet
The trick to a good joke is nailing the punchline. Jesus Christ
Hey, baby, are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
I killed a duck that had been bothering me recently. The judge charged me with murder most fowl.
I remember my first crush..: Orange.
Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.
Hear about all those Japanese people killing dolphins? Apparently they've been doing it on porpoise!
*knock knock* "Who's there?" "Dishes" "Dishes who?" "Dishes a very bad joke" ...Credits to Sans...
Do you know why they put cotton balls in the top of prescription bottles? To remind black people that they picked cotton before they sold drugs.
What do you get if you cross King Kong with  a giant frog? A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.
A joke to keep with the fasting theme A homeless man approaches a rich Jewish American princess and beseeches her, "I haven't eaten in three days!" Her: "Force yourself"
When Beyonce is on her period... ...does Jay Z have 100 problems?
So, I came up with this on my own... "You can say Whitney got on... The SOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
What is the difference between a wife's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.
What do you call two Mexican guys playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
Just a regular day in bank One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance so I pushed her over..!
What's a Redditor's favorite color? M'genta
Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.
Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up? Cause they don't have balls to scratch
I remixed a remix... ...&amp; it was back to normal!
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist date: Oh wow fox: and a ventriloquist
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dicktater.
My neighbors listen to awesome music. Whether they like it or not.
What would Jesus actually do? Probably ban nail guns
Did you hear about the woman who blew all her money on powerball tickets? She made a lotto bad decisions....
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
If you die whilst urinating Then you literally piss your life away
What do you get if you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.
What do you call a female alligator? A galligator
I accidently filled the escort with diesel.... And she died.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
I know this Ethiopian family who are so poor they had to eat clay to survive. Afterwards they were all shitting bricks.
Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are just dying to get in!
Husband: I called my boss "Honey" today. Wife: What? Why? H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Did you hear they're making a Source Code 2? It's gonna be called Source Code: The SQL!
I spilled laundry detergent on my rug! It really tide the room together.
Who's the biggest prostitute in history Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
A Cheerio just fell out of my bra, and suddenly I realize food gets more action than I do.
You might Be a redneck if..... Your bananas and your wife have the same amount of bruises
What's the most popular sports channel in Mexico? ESPNOL
Hey Terminator, who are you dressing up as for the musical fancy dress? I'll be Bach
What is the worst part of a prostate exam? Feeling the doctor's hands on your shoulders.
"You remind me of this hooker i knew." "You knew a hooker?" hey you don't call her that, she's your mother.
A black man and a Mexican are in a car , who's driving it ? The Police
A black guy and a jewish guy jump off a building, who lands first? who cares.
Trump is actually ambidextrous He can move from right to left as he chooses
What did the terrorist say to the waiter after his meal? "These hot wings have made me a ticking time bomb."
Politically Correct Chiggers Chegreos.
Me: BOOP! teehee! Cop: .. Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?
While shopping for a new phone I found that they offer this thing called 'phone calls'. Has anyone used this? Is it an app?
What does Justin Bieber and jam have in common? They're both in bread
Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Richard Clock, the man accused of viciously knife-raping his wife.
How can you make a slow horse fast? Don't give him any food.
What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Ugly.
Why are dirty jokes so uncommon Because the punchline's always so hard
What did the sheep obsessed convict say to Jared Fogle? I have a footlong waiting for **ewe** back in my cell!!!!
A guy walks into a bar with a gun and yelled "Who slept with my wife?" and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."
What Time Did Sean Connery Arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish
I tried to post my fencing joke... ...but it was a riposte.
Daily routines So one day a man goes into the doctors office and says. Doctor! doctor! My penis has turned orange So the doctor says Well what is your daily routine I eat cheetos than jack off
Porn has lied to me. The repairman doesn't show up instantly after I call.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
once I asked my dad if we could plant a bread tree in the yard & later that night I overheard him & my mom talking about "sending me back"
I like my women like I like my whisky. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
"I'm a feminist," he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.
What's Obama's favorite thing to do on the weekend? Socialize
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they've taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
How soon is it going to be before school spelling tests only requires getting the first three letters correct until google does the rest.
Giving a woman an orgasm is like riding a bicycle. I always feel silly wearing a helmet.
"Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"
I'm on a seafood diet... I see food, and I eat it.
All of my suspicions are sneaking around.
I was desperate, I *needed* a recipe for Indian bread! But I found naan...
Why are hippies against capitalism? Because money doesn't grow on trees.
My father wants me to treat him like a king So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad.
An unsharpened pencil... ...is pointless.
Is siri better than you? that's a siri-ous question.
What's the difference between Trump and Bush? Trump builds towers and Bush knocks them down.
When I see a person with facial tattoos, I also know that I will see them in handcuffs if I follow them around long enough.
Kind Donation Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water
What did the battered woman say once she finally realized she was no longer sexually attracted to her abusive husband? Beats the fuck out of me.
Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit
Guy walks into a bar He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."
If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
*holds up bread* this is my body *holds up wine* this is my blood *holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
How can you tell the Indians were here in America first? They had reservations.
How do you spot Will Smith on a snowy Christmas morning? Look for Fresh Prince
The whole "Pavlov's Dog Experiment" is such a load of bunk I'm sick of people bringing it up... ...at this point just *hearing* the name "Pavlov" makes me mad.
Facebook timelines are just a step by step account of your march toward death.
How do you fire a Chinese cook? Ask him to take wok.
Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
I met a guy named Richard... I said, "Can I call you Ritchie or are you gonna be a Dick about it?"
Being a "Hopeless Romantic" sounds kinda depressing. "Pull my chair out for me?" .. "I'd love to, but I've given up."
What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke ? Your mom can't take a joke.
If a tree falls in a boreal forest and no one is around... ...could you hear a pine drop?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I'm a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.
What is the difference between dog shit and black people? One eventually turns white and stops stinking.
[wife leaving for the weekend] "Baby formula is in the cupbo--" "I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad's funeral."
When is it time to go to bed at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
Nuclear winter "What are you going to do if a nuclear winter comes?" "Throw snowballs." "Nuclear!" "With my tentacles!"
Professor i'd like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment "lame" on all her wedding pics on facebook
If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers ...she'd have to give up the poon.
Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So....I'm transforming into Albert Einstein.
TIFU By posting in the wrong subreddit....
A hot chick asked me what was the difference between sex and conversation. I said "let's lie down and talk about it"
What do you get if you flip a Mississippi family's photo album backwards? An episode of The Biggest Loser
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
How come the government can keep printing money But when I do it, it's a crime?
While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator... That may be redundant.
Sometimes it's nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
Holocaust jokes are not funny Anne Frankly sick of them.
Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella? There was a Lil Wayne outside
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Did you hear about the new restaraunt on the moon? It's got great food, just no atmosphere..
Not to brag, but I've already had two pretty sweet dates this weekend I'm surprised how much they added to my smoothie.
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week. It was OK. Nothing to write home about
I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium.
[holds up bread] "This is my body" [holds up wine] "this is my blood" [holds up puppy] "and this is my new pet" [apostles go fricken nuts]
Why is Nazi cooking horrible? Because everything is burnt but with a Jewey center.
My aunt is trying to convince me that I'm gonna have kids. I named my kittens lunchbox and cocaine Steve. No one is gonna let me have a kid.
Yet another really bad joke A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Why do Chinese workers work so hard? Because their companies are always short-staffed.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.
Why do scholars use big words? To avoid circumlocution.
Told my girlfriend that there was a party in my pants and that she was invited. She asked if it was a search party :(
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
When someone with a lisp says bismuth... You know they mean business.
I had to unplug my mom's life support today. She always told me to finish my vegetables.
Why does the nazi love to bring his jewish friend to indian restaurants? Because he loves to order some **sizlar** for his jewish friend.
What's the difference between Trump and Hitler? Hitler never raped a 13 year old.
coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn't work here because people that are on fire can't work.
A condom is like a plunger You never know when you will need it but it's great to have just in case.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food Priorities
My signature move is not caring which one yours is.
Have you heard of the band 1023 Megabytes? They've never had any gigs.
Many people think that Canada's new Prime Minister is hot. It's true, though.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare? M: I'm OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest H: We're talking about floors M: HR again?
If you take the D out of Devil what do you get? the D
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.
WIFE: what's going on? ME: [locking the door] I haven't had an apple in 3 days DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
How do you tell the difference between a normal potato from a slutty potato? The slutty one has the sticker that reads Idaho.
What's the definition of a 68? That's when you blow me and I owe you 1.
My friend asked me if i want some Sodium Bromate. But I said : "NaBrO"
Doctor,doctor! A man goes to the doctor, concerned if he is becoming a thief. The doctor replies, "well, have you taken anything for it?"
Just saw a woman getting 'running lessons' with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could've taught her for free and with only a chainsaw
So FedEx and UPS merged... the new company will be called FedUp
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Why should men not engage in esports while horny? They get erekt.
What do you call a small petition? Petite (Basin Tss)
My friend got a dog for his wife. I told him it was a fair trade.
why you should never go to war against bhuddists they have respawn
What's the similarity between 6th Sense and Titanic? Icy dead people.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.
What did Sigmund Freud say when he had an epiphany? Urethra!
What is it with Russians and their track suits? Because back in Soviet day, suit track you.
Why did Jesus come to Earth? To get to the other side. Ba dum tssshh
[Interviewing to be a mortician] Do you have any experience handling dead bodies? -Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
If you need space  join NASA' Baby! XD
So I went to the zoo the other day... ... there was only one dog. It was a Shih tzu.
Why are C programmers never invited to parties? They have no class
You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn't be oppressed.
Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph because they're not a full esay
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.
A fat person doesn't eat what's right but eats what's left.
Bear Grylls lies on the floor at Starbucks peeing into his own mouth, "this is literally the only way to survive in this environment"
How do you say the name Ray in Jamaican? Raymond
What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife? An erection and a place to put it.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder. I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all. Think that helped.
What happens when your favorite team wins the World Cup? You turn off your playstation.
Did you hear about the crazy fight at the fish market? I heard they found two fish battered
How do you know when Mexico is playing in the World Cup? Literally all gardening stops
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Neville Chamberlain? Neville Chamberlain takes a weekend in the country. Adolf Hitler takes a country in the weekend. (First told circa 1938)
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Why is it called a living room? Don't we live in every room?
What's Christmas called in England ? Yule Britannia !
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years
Knock, knock, Come in.
What do you call a marine with an IQ of 70? General
Always leave the shower curtains open. *things I learned from horrors
If you don't wear a body wallet to bed with all your cash in it, you aren't really raising teens.
My kid was saying they wanted an Omnitrix that let him change into pokemon So am like...you want to be a ditto?
Husband to wife: Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery? Wife: I'd divorce you and take half the money Husband: Well I won $10, here's your 5, now fuck off!
That moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realize she just lost an earring... and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.
No one cares if you go to the bathroom. In fact, you are the only one who gives a shit.
Why are Pokemon terrible to play hide and seek with? Because they pikachu
Did you hear about the comedian who was arrested for domestic violence? He was a real niece slapper.
what do you call a fish with no eyes?? fsh
How do you get a black guy out of a tree? Cut the rope!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
My friend told me to sing Wonderwall I said maybe.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M; factory? A: Proof-reading.
cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now
Look, I'm not running a charity here, and if I was I'd be too busy embezzling money to help people.
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang up the picture.
What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods? Teenagers these days be all "I hate you mom I'm joining ISIS."
In my dog's mind he's saving the world, one tree at a time.
What did the princess say when she got to the ball? garglgarglgarglgarglgargl
Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? Now he's fully recovered.
I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don't even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? Two kilomockingbirds (credit goes to my old physics book)
What did the Jew say at the Football game? Get the quarter back!
Jewelry in my family gets passed down from generation to generation. My tongue ring used to be my grandmother's clit ring.
Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.
Whatsapp and BBM have been ranked 2nd and 3rd as the best for gossip.Women continue to rule at No. 1.
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? Because he was *out standing in his field*!
Two Men walk into a bar... "Knock, Knock!"...... "Who's there?" says one. "It's the doctor, you two walked into a pole, now tell me if your head hurts."
Say this to any woman. How does a beautiful woman change a lightbulb? Idk how? You've obviously never changed one.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It's also raisin free. And cake free. OK it's just rum.
Whats the difference between a black man and a dining room table? A dining room table can stay and support a family of four.
Why does a dog lick it's balls? Because they're delicious. What? You've never tried them? You're missing out.
An Irishman applies to a job at a Blacksmiths "Have you any experience at shoeing horses?" asks the Blacksmith "No" says the Irishman "but i once told a donkey to fuck off"
Why did the two men from Moscow get escorted out from the concert? Because they wouldn't stop Russian the stage...
a waiter walks up to a table of yentas and asks, "is ANYTHING alright?"
Why did the English major break up with the pilot? Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I'm not feeling myself today... ...would YOU do it for me?
A small tattoo I'd hate to be a midget into tattoos...only get half the canvas space
After moving to a boring part of the West, what did Sauron say when he spotted gaps around the threshold to his home? I need more door.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn't cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I reverse engineered a time machine... Eureka!
"I'm a very private person" - people who are on back to back reality shows
*talking into the phone, loudly enough that I know those ladies can hear me* WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.
*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*
Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries? Drunken Donuts
A taxidermist was asked, "So what do you do for a living?" She replied, "Oh you know... stuff." - *From Tumblr.*
What gets wet as it dries? Texas after a drought.
What lies on the ground 100 feet up in  the air and smells? A dead centipede.
I don't blame people for not wanting Merrick Garland in the Supreme Court I would be scared too if I had to work with the Incredible Hulk in his later years.
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don't want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
I told the cashier that her eyebrows were drawn too high I guess she didn't realize because she seemed pretty surprised.
I know the word diputserom sounds bad, but its more stupid backwards
A blind guy walks into a bar... His friend then asks if he is okay.
Send Text Messages From your PC with Mobogenie Hi
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was "bumpy." Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Why were the Soviets able to beat the Western Allies to Berlin? Because they were Russian!
What should I buy for dinner? I see frozen peas are cool this time of year. ..you might say that's a corny joke, but it's really not. It's a pea joke.
Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas. I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.
What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed
Did you hear about the baker who got electrocuted last week? He stood on a bun and a currant shot up his leg.
Post the worst joke you can think on the fly. I'll start: What happened when the Pillsbury Doughboy's girlfriend was left out too long? He had a stalemate.
You're an open book? "Throws you into a bonfire."
59 thousand years ago, six sapiens were bathing and rubbing each other No homo tho
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I'm reading her Hugh Jackman's autobiography.
I'm on the fence about Hitler On one hand he killed 6 million Jews. On the other hand he did kill Hitler
Guess how I spell distraction? R-E-D-D-I-T
Why does Sean Connery suck at DIY? A lack of shelf awareness.
I just had a massive case of diarrhea... And I couldn't tell if it was the watermelon or the nuts
First Rule of Parent Club: If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.
How do you describe a hierarchy of police officers with only one word? Police police police police police police police police police police police.
Press reporter asks NASA director 'what did the kepler telescope find out today' ? Water on Mars.
What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? On a porcupine, all the pricks are on the outside!
Having a Hot Wife is like being a diabetic with a coupon for unlimited cheesecakes. It may look nice but you never get to use it. Source: Have a Hot Wife, Never get laid
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Does anyone else feel like a 25yr old trapped in a 40yr+ body???
If a tree falls in the woods.... .....and no one is around to hear it. Will a hipster buy the soundtrack?
#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.
Yeah, I can't believe the shitty teenager making minimum wage at the coffee shop spelled your name wrong on your cup either.
I just got a Sleep Number mattress, and it turns out my sleep number is 911. Because a night in my bed, you'll never forget.
Why was the Sun mad at all the clouds? Because they kept throwin shade
Yeah, I've got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I'm not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
[campfire] And that's when he realized... HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN [everyone screams in terror]
I'm as bored as a slut on her period.
Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree? The University of Minnesoda
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I have a lips which makes me psecial
What did Ron Goldman say to Nicole Brown Simpson at the Pearly gates? Heres your fucking sunglasses!
Why didn't Jesus cross the road? Because you can't cross a road when your nailed to a cross
I was surprised Oscar Pistorius owned a gun in the first place. I would have thought he preferred blades.
I dreamt last night that I was a muffler... I woke up exhausted.
They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less.
I asked a girl back to my place to enjoy the works of Michel Houellebecq. But she said she ain't no Houellebecq girl.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray!
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
This year's most overused TV line: "It's complicated." It means absolutely nothing.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in.
What did the Bulbasaur say to the Charmander? "Bulbasaur!!"
The local news says we can tell there's been a power failure with their new app. Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Dear public restrooms: A toilet paper dispenser should turn loosely. Nobody wants to wipe their ass with a handful of confetti.
What's a rabbits' favorite song? "Hoppy Birthday to You."
Who did the dyslexic man sell his soul to? Santa. /cringe
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women
"My desires are... unconventional." "Show me." *opens door to a room full of memes*
I finally realised why Oscar Pistorius lost his trial Because from a legal point he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Sometimes I think I have ADD... ...oh look a bird!
I knew my fantasies were getting worse But when I spanked a statue I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
Confucius Say Man who run behind car get exhausted But man who run in front of car get tired.
Car company executives must have the best memories in the world because GM recalls everything.
Nothing beats a girl with a beautiful singing voice... Except Chris Brown.
2 Hebrews a black dude and a Mexican walk into a bar. Bar tender says get f#%k outa here.
Did you hear about the Homeopath who forgot to take his medication? He died of overdose
Who stole the golden necklace? Was it a High Elf, a Nord or a Khajiit? The Khajiit.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress' facial reaction I'm not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Worlds shortest joke... (fixed) My life.
The King and I always have breakfast for dinner on Christmas Eve We call it Yule Brinner.
My girlfriend let out a huge sigh during sex then I had to tape back the hole I punctured in her
My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that  if anything ever happens to her I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.
"Eat shit and die!" -- Fly teaching his son about life
I made a gaffe about birth complications Well, that came out wrong.
What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil Serpent
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph... Cause he's not a full ese
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages: 1. instant gratification 2. sense of impatient entitlement 3. misunderstanding of basic math
My husband says if this gets 150 upvotes we'll try anal just like every other night
Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore. Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window.
Why did the porkchop scream for help? I'd tell you the rest, but I don't want to spoil the meat of the joke.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort....I'm just kidding. I don't care.
Girl likes 'boys with accents <333' on Facebook. I charge at her. "HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY"
Why did the stoner put laxatives in the pot brownies? For shits and giggles.
*Social justice ppl arrive at nintendo headquarters in japan* "Game... BOY?" *merciless, graphic slaughter of nintendo employees ensues*
I know I'm gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed. So I've sent in my wedding album.
Iguanas feel love but don't marry ..know why? Cos to Mariguana is illegal.
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a teenage boy? One is a master debater. The other is a masterbater.
What did the one wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner!
Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Asian population is getting.
Guys say "never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn't die" as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Why did the man with 5 dicks take his pants to the tailor? So they'd fit like a glove.
Honey, I have good news,and bad news Which one do you want to hear first? -Tell me the good news. -You' re gonna become an aunt.
My girlfriend asked me who I've been having sex with because my penis was so sensitive...... My hand
Why don't you see blind people skydiving? Because it scares the fuck out of the guide dogs.
What's a pirates favorite letter? Ayyyy, tis true he loves R, but his true love is the C!
What's long green and smells like pork scratchings? Kermit the frogs finger.
Last night I got a handjob from a blind girl She said, "You've got the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on." I said, "nah, you're just pulling my leg."
Why did the blind jew got killed? because he could nazi
Coroner's Report Coroner: Report complete. Police: What was the cause of death? Coroner: The cause of death was that I sliced him open and performed an autopsy.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can't wait.
Did you guys hear about that guy that was stealing everyone's power? He's a real Joule thief.
Now I know why Charlie Sheen was always Winning... ...he was just being positive.
What's better than winning gold in the special Olympics? Not being retarded
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn't look anything like me but she's mine. i can tell
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.
My great great grandfather died in a Nazi death camp. He fell off of a guard tower.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
My computer is quick to point out when I eject a disk improperly, but never notices when I've ejected a disk beautifully.
So Hungry If Katniss Everdeen's friend Peeta got blown up, would the resulting crater be a Peeta pocket?
If people are talking about you behind your back, then just Fart
My iPhone won't even recognize my fingerprint unless it's got crumbs on it.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend He wiped
Why did the Irish man never get caught drink driving? Because he never left the pub.
Why were the witch and wizard always kissing each other's necks? Because they were neckromancers
The team that finished first in the local boat race were allowed to keep their boat. Scenes of celebration broke out when they realized they had won the champion ship.
What do you call a T-Rex with tourettes? *Dino-swore.* I'm sorry.
Finally Gay and Lesbian couples can get married... It's about time they were allowed to be as miserable as the rest of us.
Once I did a presentation on George Washington & was asked when he died, but I never looked it up, so I said "He's alive in all of us today"
How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Pattie
I am a master ninja with my ability to hide silently when someone rings my doorbell.
How do you greet your Mexican friend eating sushi? Wassap B?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I'd be in great shape. Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Why couldn't Jesus eat M&amp;M's? because of the holes in his hands
I was researching converting to Mormonism until I found out you have to give them 10% of your income I guess I'm Jewish.
The next time you're tempted to crack an easy joke about a typo on a Chinese menu, consider how well you write in Mandarin or Cantonese.
A big difference between men and women Is what comes to mind when the word 'facial' is used.
When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck... Damn dial-up!
I'm glad humans don't do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn't want to tell people I'm Germish.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar... one turns to the other and says "Hey, do you wanna get..... shitfaced?" (sorry if you saw this already)
Why do Trans people hate the former Soviet Republics? [Fucking CIS scum.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commonwealth_of_Independent_States)
A Japanese company upset Americans by selling clothes labeled Skinny, Fat and Jumbo. They have since changed them to Large, Extra Large and American.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he's probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
Your mom takes so much dicks that the word cocktail was invented for her
What is Jesus' favorite band? Nine Inch Nails
Of all the millions of candidates in history, it figures that Hitler would be the one to keep his campaign promises.
Do you like fish sticks? Who are you? Kanye West?
Why do girls wear make up and perfume? 'Cuz they're ugly and they stink!
If they took all the money spent on making Godzilla movies, they could've probably just made an actual Godzilla by now.
Why does Pinocchio lie? Because he's a fucking liar.
Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily? It said: two eggs I said: Oh strange! It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs? I said: no, the fact that you talk
Why did the Khmer Rouge smoke weed? Because Pol Pot's followers are called Potheads.
Why do black folk carry around "boomboxes"? it's just their stereo-type!
"Ohana" means family, and family means that no Monopoly game can ever finish well.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Welcome to the dark side. We have.... Well, we can't see what we have. It's dark.
"How'd you die?" "I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?" "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."
You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.
1.What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage? WATAAAH! 2.What is Bruce Lee's favorite hamburger? WHOPPAH! 3.Which hotel does Bruce Lee stay overnight? HYAAAAATT!
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
What does a fashionable dog do when it gets tired? Pants.
I've reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I've attached it to the leg of a deer. I was born to run.
I finally Understand Math Me: wow i finally understand math *moves on to next question* Me: what the hell is this
This self checkout lane has the sexiest cashier.
What did the chemist say when his girlfriend cheated on him? Dy Ho
Unshakable Fact # 5 Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg &amp; Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I like to sit and stare at the Chinese take out menu for an hour and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times.
How does batman store energy? In BATteries
I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce "either" as "ee-ther" or "eye-ther" He said, "You can say either."
Wife "WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?" [Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again...
What did the Buddhist Monk say to the Hot Dog Vendor? "Make me one with everything" (assuming he would be able to talk in the first place)
What does a 60 year old woman have between her breasts that a 20 year old woman doesn't? Her belly button.
Why was the President broke after the assassination attempt? Secret service charges.
GYM Man: "Can you spot me?" Me: "Sure" Man: *Throwing down towel* "Invisibility cloak my ass"
Burning love What kind of erection does a burn victim get? Firewood.
Why is light beer like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.
What did one orphan say to the other? Robin, Get the batmobile!
What would Hellen Keller be doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the lid of the coffin.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I invented a new word. Plagiarism.
A dark sense of humor is like a hospital. Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.
volcano (n.) [vol-key-noh]  A mountain getting its rocks off.
Pitch: A Movie/ TV ep that starts w a Muslim guy praying & then it turns out he's a normal guy & the story has nothing to do with terrorism.
Why are a prostitute and a teacher so similar? They both get screwed
If you met my friends, you would understand.
What's Obama's favorite game console? "The Xbox One"
2020 Olympic high jump results Gold - Mexico Silver - Mexico Bronze - Mexico
Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
Why do toucans only go camping in pairs? So they can bring two canopies.
What do you call an extremist group of water at 0 Degrees Celsius? ISIS
What did the escalator say to the elevator? Nothing, he just staired.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
i don't know why people think women are weak... well hell pots and pans are heavy
I'm writing a book about common Mexican names... I'm gonna call it "50 Shades of Jose"
Google+ is the gym of social networking. We all join, but nobody actually uses it.
Girl, are you my brake pads and rotors? Because I'd like to grind on you until you groan loudly and I have to replace you.
"We just want to find someone who will-" *sly grin* -Finish our sentences? "Exactly." -death row inmates
If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!
This guy next to me thinks I'm flirting, but really I'm just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
How can you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously? Silly-con!
If I'm ever in a coma unplug me. Then plug me back in and see if that fixes the problem.
I've always been bad at studying for tests.. ...but recently I noticed I work a lot harder while listening to the 50 shades of Grey soundtrack
"this one should be called hurricane Kanye" - kanye, every few weeks
Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say "you did that"
Stay safe out there on New Years Eve Who am I kidding, I'm talking to Redditors.
Say what you want about skiing... ..but the sports going downhill, Fast!
What's harder than nailing a baby to a tree? My cock while doing it.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Me, December 2016: I'm going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
He told me I was too pretty not to smile. So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose. Now I'm smiling.
British men is visiting Australia. Learn: The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it's Maybelline.
Gonna trade in my wife's menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
What are the famous last words of a redneck? "Hey ya'll, watch this!"
I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed It's not my fault they don't have Windows
What do fat girls do in the summer? Stink
Why was the doctor forced to leave work early? The hospital ran all out of patience
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
What do you get when you cross an aged marsupial with a con game? The old switcheroo.
Two ships crashed in the night one ship was carrying red paint the other blue The survivors were marooned
Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
What do you call cows that are best friends? Brovines.
How did the close race between the rabbit and  the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Some asshole has got my pen is what the nurse said when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket. edit: punctuation.
my favorite perfume is really expensive so I keep buying the same issue of Vogue and rubbing the sample on me
I thought my son would be glad and appreciate that I got him a trampoline But nooo, all he does is sit and cry in his wheelchair all day
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Why was the attorney kicked out of choir? All she could sing was, "Law, law, law, law, law, law, law."
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever
If you mention "leg day" on a first date we will not be going on a second date
Two muffins cooking in a oven One says "fuck it's hot in here" the other says "Holy shit, a talking muffin"
I'm taking a vacation before I start a new job. I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to drive through Manitoba along the Hudson Bay to Rankin Inlet. She told me she was having Nunavut.
Why did Steph Curry cross the road? Because he wasn't far enough from the 3pt line to take the shot.
Which detective investigates electrical crimes? Sherlock Ohms That's why his partner is called Wattson...
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
What do you call a prosthetic arm for a dog? Faux paw.
I don't drink anymore... ...I don't drink any less either.
Why do failing college girls always screw their professors? Cause they want the D.
My girlfriend just accused me of being a transvestite I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives it to him and he slams in down in one gulp. "What do I owe ya?" asks the neutron. "For you? No charge."
If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's? Historically insignificant. Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.
No one understood my joke about the virus outbreak... I guess you had to be there to get it.
Two words:
I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.
A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide......... Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
How do you call mosquitoes where you live? We don't. They just come unwanted
How is spam different to a penis? One is junk mail, the other is male junk
PE Teacher: Why did you kick that ball  straight at the school computer? Pupil: You told me to put it in the Net.
I don't think I'll ever get married... Instead, I'll find a woman I don't like and buy her a house.
So a horse comes into a bar.. Wait... or was it a man. OK. so this horse comes into a man.
Helmholtz Resonators made out of Lampshades, Company name is Silence of the Lamps
My girlfriend and I were arguing and she asked me to see things from her point of view So I went to the kitchen and looked out the window.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White  Good condition  Reliable  Cheap  No evidence of rear end  damage. Must See.
I wrote a program to do my acounting It works really well, it said there are 3 in this sentence.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
I'm going to rehab I realized I need help when I stuck my dick in coke and my razor in a hooker
How do you tell a real Ferrari from a fake one? You take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.
What is the difference between an ounce of cocaine and an infant? Eric Clapton would absolutely NEVER let an ounce of cociane fall 49 stories out a window onto the streets of New York.
Man l: "I got my wife a VCP for her birthday" Man 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?" Man 1: "No a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!"
Ken Ham says aliens go to hell because they don't have the Gospel. I disagree. They go to hell because anal probing is an abomination. Vaginal probing is God's way.
A video of my kids attempting to cut steak would make an excellent commercial for condoms.
Apparently people are using smart phones instead of credit cards now. I tried this but my cocaine was very lumpy.
daddy's lap Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
says "bartender, I'll hve a beer please" A time traveler walks into a bar
what does a man with a 9" cock eat for breakfast? this morning, I ate some toast, cereal, coffee, bacon &amp; eggs, hash browns...
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a  5-iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."
I wanted to eat Nicki Minaj's sugary sweet ass like a cupcake... But all I got was an anal cavity :(
I called German UPS to ask them when they would ship my Rift.. They said, "VR ready."
Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him? It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.
Successful Lawyers! Good lawyers know the laws and smart lawyers know the judges
How did the butcher introduce his wife? He said "Meet Patty"
German men like their women like they like their beer Full.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
I used to date a girl that liked it in the ear. Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she turned her head.
The meat served in IKEA's restaurant is made of people who couldn't find the way out.
Got arrested for dancing around the store naked advertising Hawaiian rolls I guess I'm not a very good roll model
you can basically just make up facts as long as they're about animals.. cows can't look left. you don't know
I see dead people. Well technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman' 'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack Paddy Whacked.'
I love my cat to bits. That's why I planted a C4 in her bed!
There is really no easy way to say it, ma'am, but your son has just fallen into the Eyjafjallajokull.
Two computers were having sex All you could hear was 0 0 0 0 0 0
No thanks private caller, I don't even answer the phone when I know who it is
One jihadist said to another, "How many infidels do we kill?" He answered, "Allah them"
If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving isn't for you.
Someone at Sony Studios was arrested for having a bomb in his backpack. He was released after it was determined that it was the script for Ghostbusters
How do Hawaiian Muslims greet each other? "Aloha Akbar!"
I make terrible science jokes... ...but only periodically.
Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I'm not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!
Q: What do you call African water? Nicaragua
Q. What does Kodak film and Condoms have in common? A. Both are made to capture special moments.
Pretty messed up that you can never tell if you give a raccoon a black eye. Been punching this raccoon for over an hour.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
My ultra-cheesy pick up line, based on old Pepe Le Pew cartoons Le meooooww.... Le Purrrrrrrr... Le me?
A chronic masturbator walks into a bar "Oh hi Henry", said the bartender, "I've already poured your pint; I saw you coming from a mile away."
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn't know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Having an argument between Mac and PC is like watching two old men with alzheimer's fight. Eventually they both break down and lose their memory.
.@petco None of the pets I purchase from you shrug and say "It's a living" when I use them in place of household appliances.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I like my women like how I like my coffee beans Ground and stored in the freezer.
Girls just wanna have Funds
There needs to be a universal hand signal to let people know they still have their blinker on. Mouthing "you're dead asshole" isn't working.
What do you call a turlte that flies? a shellocopter. damn homies
Two types of people that irritate me: 1. A drunk person when I'm sober. 2. A sober person when I'm drunk.
I've entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website It's basically a win Loos situation.
Yay! The healthcare reform bill passed! Waitress, a round of celebratory abortions for all my friends!
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took "the floor is lava" game way to seriously as kids.
Why should you never disturb a mirror? Because they are always reflecting.
Why did the black man wear a suit to his vasectomy? If he was going to be Impotent he wanted to look impotent. (important)
The astrophysics class I wanted to take filled up. Now I need to figure out what other course will work for my schedule and major. It's not rocket science.
You know you've had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.
What do you call... What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio.
How do you say Vaseline in German? Vienerslidein
Damn my stomach is making really weird noises...I'm gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.
TED talk about staying in bed
"i'm really more of a dog person." -- werewolf
Bill Cosby awarded another honorary degree from Boston University, this time is was Anesthesiology.
What's wrong with the sentence "Jack and Jill is playing in the field?" Women should be first.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
What's the difference between snowmen and snow-women? Snowballs.
"I'm laying by the pool. Better take a picture of my legs and post it on the internet." - girls
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you're a part of something?
What's the difference between Obama and god? God doesn't think he's Obama.
Mexican jokes and Black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you heard Juan, you've heard Jamal
What is matthew mcconaughey favorite bread? All rye all rye
If there's one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
What do you call a Beatles fan who happens to be a Chinese sadomasochistic member of the American Army? Yellow Submarine
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three. *Both show rock Again! *Both show rock Again! *Both show rock Again! Caveman: This game is stupid.
I had sex in an elevator.. It was awesome on so many levels!
I wish my lawn was emo So it would cut itself
I changed my major from being an actuary. I just couldn't handle the risk.
Silent Night, Holy Night, All is calm, CORNDOG FIGHT.
Why was the healthy potato not allowed on the plane? He was on the "No Fry" list.
Policeman: Didn't you see my lights flashing? Motorist: No I was going faster than the speed of light.
Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved.
This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2006" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade. :(
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[in DM] She: Don't talk like that. Me: With my thumbs?
No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it's best you not refer to him as a "lady killer", it might end up being true.
What did Cinderella say as she was approaching the ball? *makes choking sounds*
How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Frat boys don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in puddles of vomit...
What did the car say when it's front wheels were stolen? I don't want to go anywhere. I'm two tired.
Did you hear about the bread-less klansman who couldn't drink milk? He lacked toast and tolerance.
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed
What is the definition of a Wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100's of strangers' mouths
What is the ONLY good trait of pedophiles? They always stick to the speed limit in front of schools.
I don't bring pooper scoopers when I walk my dog I would, but my dog doesn't give a shit
What Do You Call An Arrogant NASA Employee? A Nas-hole!
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can't figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I would be a better president than Donald Trump This is probably the wrong place to post this because that's not a fucking joke.
This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show. Me- How old is this cookie?!
The first time I got a universal remote control... I thought to myself, "This changes everything."
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
(NSFW) She told me.... She told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth!
The World Trade Centre ordered pizza They wanted pepperoni but all they got was plain
Why don't women wear skirts in San Fransisco? Because their balls would show.
Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ? Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!
I dropped my phone in the bath. I dropped my phone in the water. I put it in rice to dry out, it works now but i lost all my contacts except for my uncle bens.
My brother's one of the biggest stickup men in town. Gosh is he really? Yes he's a six-foot-six billposter.
Confidence should never be confused with arrogance. Arrogance is spelled way differently.
What does Salvador Dali have for breakfast? Surreal.
Adolf Hitler once asked the Germans if it was raining in their place The Germans replied "No, it's hail Hitler"
What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con desending..
Marriage is a three-ring circus:  Engagement ring...  Wedding ring...  Suffering!!!
ME: I'VE BEEN SHOT TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids ME: THOSE DON'T FIX BULLETHOLES TS: *picks up guitar* ...brb ME: I'M STILL DYING
How do you keep a jack ass in suspense? Sorry, someone just knocked on my door. I will have to submit the answer tomorrow.
The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.
Hey girl , are you interested in boning pasta? Because I can f u silli.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn't wanna look stupid
In June of last year, a beautiful woman on the subway saw me yawn & then she yawned. So I think we can cool it with the "virgin" talk.
What's the definition of an Irish homosexual? One who likes women more than beer
Dropping my kids off at Walmart with a dollar each to entertain themselves for a few hours.
Don't panic if your parachute doesn't open! You have the rest of your life to fix it!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
A wife says to her husband ... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back" Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair"
Joe Dirt 2 was so bad Amazon Prime should have released it yesterday
How do you get a dead turtle to flip itself back over on its feet?... You take the letter F out of way.
What is the worst dinosaur to take to a restaurant? A pretentious connoisseurous.
What is Bernie Sanders' LEAST favorite band? SWV (sisters with voices)
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Me: *puts naked Barbie away. 'It's not VooDoo if that's what you think! Her:Freak! Me:Did you feel--anything?
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Why did the grain call his sister "momma"? Because he was in bread!
Why do Queenslanders call their beer, "XXXX"? Because they can`t spell the word, beer.
Why does the graveyard have fences? Because people were dying to get in!
Once the president of Taiwan gave a speech for two hours He burned a fuse
Why was the man so down in the mouth? Because he ate his pillow.
I was at the pet shop, and said "I'd like to buy a wasp." "We don't sell wasps," they said. "Then why do you have one in the window?"
Water parks in California are now just regular parks
What cell service do nuns in wheelchair have? Virgin Mobile
I know Madonna, on a first name basis.
The worst part of this election... ...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.
Why do record collectors have bad sex lives? They're always complaining about the 10" they don't have.
Why did the internit paint his computer screen in little black and white squares? He wanted to check his e-mail.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn't realize was there. Now you can say you've seen me dance.
I think instead of "LOL"....I'm gonna go with "SALTS" (Smiled a little then stopped). Its more truthful.
What's the difference between HP computers and HP in a video game? One of them you want to see a lot less of.
What's the best thing about have sex with a lady boy You can reach round and pretend its went all the way through
I ignored your Facebook Friend Request only because there isn't a "Oh Hell No!" Button!!!
[Clinic waiting room] Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??! Nurse: Sir don't shout that! Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
A joke I thought of while showering. (showerjokes?) Underage drinking is a crime punishable by breath. haha get it?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
What do you call that feeling when the bus finally arrives? a peasantfeeling
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don't know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My neighbor just died of an overdose. He forgot to take his homeopathic sleeping pills.
Polygamy vs. Monogamy Polygamy: When a man has one too many wives. Monogamy: When a man has one too many wives.
My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I'm wondering who her real dad is.
[True story] Saw a guy in a wheelchair going into the gym. .. My first thought was, "well I guess he won't be doing legs today." I'll show myself out.
teacher: there's no such thing as a stupid question me: are sharks just mean dolphins teacher: ok i was wrong
Why's it a good idea to have a threesome with 2 Vietnamese girls? It's usually a Nguyen/Nguyen.
Never make puns during a Scrabble match. Your opponent may not like your wordplay.
What is the program for pranking insane people called? Pantaloon
ME: time for sleep BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk ME: ugh BRAIN: and make friends with one another ME: please stop BRAIN: best spuds
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a wall? My dick while doing it.
When life hands you melons, you know you're dyslexic.
I think this lady I'm stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to: "Hey you in the tree. I've called the cops."
What do kids eat for breakfast? Yogoat
Welcome to AlzheimersAware.co.uk. Forgot your password? Of course you did.
Why do the Scottish Wear Kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Me: I'm feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over? Him:... Me: Good answer
To avoid small talk with neighbors I've taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar? "Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"
I loved going to the psychiatrist as a young girl. He said "I think I can see the problem, Mr Smith."
Where does a cow stop to drink? The milky way!
My ex girlfriend really wanted me to pee on her but it was weird for me so I just called 911
Don't go around telling people what Teresa Ripoll is an anagram of before they've solved it. Spoiler alert
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it's either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it's Colin.
Loses house keys. Builds new house.
Reading while sunbaking Makes you well-read
Yo mama's so dumb she bought WinRar.
People keep asking me how I'm doing since moving to North Korea Eh, can't complain.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I'm all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
What system do they teach in Hamburger High's  math courses? The meatric system silly!
My friend found a Paras while we were playing Pokemon Go. So I asked him, "Was it under a truck?"
DC Comics to end production of Wonder Woman after DEA claims They stated the movie would have attracted to many people to a strong form of Heroine.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who've been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I pulled a real douchie move this morning... your mom's vagina has never been happier.
Why didn't Jesus have any children? He only got nailed by guys ;)
What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
A Muslim, an idiot, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hello Mr.President."
Man with five penises As the man with five penises put on a condom, he sighed. "Fits like a glove."
Waiter waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good sir he's frightened of them too.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
What is the biggest obstacle in getting rich quickly? Cops
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"
A man walks into an old club. "Please, do not touch the artifacts" says the archeologist.
The little bit of decent human being left in me finds cannibalism to be wrong... but who cares, he was delicious!
Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.
"It's MY way, or that other way!" -Ultimatums before the invention of the highway
Met a girl named Gravity She was down to earth...
Where do frogs keep their treasure ? In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow !
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters. - Demetri Martin
It's going to be so disappointing if we ask aliens about crop circles and they're just like, "We hate corn."
I invented a time machine... ...next week.
What's the difference between a hooker and a dead baby? One makes you feel sick and the other one is free!
I wish Candy Canes were shaped less awkward and tasted more like cocaine.
Children are like AIDS They are sexually transmitted, incurable till death and they fuck up your sex lives.
Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.
It's funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom Until they're flashing behind you
Why did the dead baby cross the road? I ve been practicing my drop kick
Ask your doctor if practicing medicine is right for him
Do you wanna play lion tamer? she asks: "What is that?" you say: It's when you get on all fours and I put my head in your mouth.
Theirye're, problem solved.
My wife and I always joke around. She'll ask "What were you doing?", then we'll both laugh and then I go make sure I cleared my web history.
What do you know when you see three  rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats? You know you need a psychiatrist!
Why did Adele cross the street? To say hello.... From the other side.
No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.
Why are turn signals great workers? When they get tired and burn out, they work twice as hard.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two, but its kinda hard to get em in there.
Facebook Genius, Just changed my Facebook name to No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say No one likes this'.
I have a lot in common with my brake rotors.. We're both warped and barely functioning.
What do yeast and a redneck have in common? They're both usually found with beer and inbred. -&amp;y (written by moi)
Why did Mozart kill his chickens? Because they were always saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach"
You may think that a pirate's favorite letter is R But they actually love the C.
An old man and young boy are walking through the woods at night; the boy says "I'm scared.", to which the old man responds "*You're* scared?? *I'm* the one that has to walk back alone!"
I once dated a woman who was half-Chinese, half-Haitian. She did Voodoo acupuncture.
Between the Boko Haram schoolgirl abductions and the recent Malaysia Airlines incidents... I'm starting to doubt if we'll ever see an intact black box ever again.
According to these Father's Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they're #1.
Why don't Jehovah's witnesses celebrate Halloween? They don't appreciate strangers coming up to their door.
I won't believe corporations are people Until Texas executes one.
beer gardens are great because who wouldn't want to grow beer
I fought in Vietnam I went there last year and some kid took my Cheetos so I hit him.
A crane fell in NYC today today a friend told me. I asked if it was Niles or Frasier
[phone rings] Guy: is your refrigerator running? Me: yes my refrigerator is runn- Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Why do white girls like odd numbers? Because they can't even.
Of all the possible utensils you can use to eat rice... ...how the fuck did two sticks win?
They say that there are rising levels of LGBT population in Spain... There's not a day goes by that a Deigo's Bi
What gets better with age? Necrophilia
Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
I call my husband current... He likes it better than number two.
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? nothin'. she dun' been told twice.
Helen Keller walked into a bar... and then a table, and then a chair.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Girls always tell me I'm a chick magnet... ...set to repel.
Well, America actually did it It Trumped Brexit.
Hitting the gym to release stress it's not nearly effective as hitting the cunt that causes the fucking stress
People keep saying that Americans are stupid, but I disagree. Anyone that builds a city 30 feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with blacks is a fking genius!
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain] "Hi." "Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564 before it went supernova?" "Yes." "U still owe me $20."
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You beat the shit out of her.
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.
What's 50 Cents name in Zimbabwe? 400 million.
I renamed my iPod to Titanic... it's syncing now!
How can you know a girl is from Japan? Her pussy is blurry.
What do you call a boner you don't want? A groaner.
When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, "Ladies first" it really means "Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks."
How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool? Say "hey, you Canadians! Get out of that swimming pool!"
What is comedian and former MTV show host Tom Green's favorite brand of pen? Uni-Ball
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I'm being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
A 40 year-old man is walking into some dark woods with an 8 year-old girl... ...the girl says, "These woods are scary!" The man says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out all by myself!"
What did the Ukrainian Scientist receive after discovering the dangers of radiation? A Chernobel Prize.
optimists don't jack off... ...they jack on
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from
The French Navy Q: Why does the new French navy have glass-bottomed boats? A: So they can see the old French navy.
Two melons have a secret love affair... One melon says to the other, "baby, I love you so much. I just wanna sneak away and get married right now." The other responds, "no, we cantaloupe."
Made this up when I was about 8 or 9 Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because his car was stuck in the cornfield!
Why couldn't the Mod get into the club? He never got banned.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Adam ! Adam who ? Adam up and tell me the total !
Cruises Why don't black people go on cruise ships? They're not falling for that one again
Why do you never see any ancient Central American civilizations anymore? They're all M.I.A. ^^^Mayan, ^^^Incan, ^^^Aztec
In the south, you're either ghetto, or a farmer. You can't be both, otherwise... *It's racism.*
How do you get a clown off a swing? hit him in the face with an Axe
Why is the sea so salty? Because the land didn't wave back.
I've had the clap so much that it's turning into applause.
Open bar at my funeral; just because I'm dead doesn't mean I forgot how to fucking party.
"I just want a nice guy who treats me right." said every girl who dumped that dude like ten times.
I set up a fight club No one came because I didn't tell anyone about fightclub
The wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back. I said "Well you are in a wheelchair"
Most household injuries are caused by saying "whatever" during an argument.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son? Farmer Son: No. The music sucks. FD: Well then- FS: Don't. FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Look I see that you love me and would die for me, but this guy over here barely notices me and has a GF. I'll play the odds. -Woman logic
Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.
I thought removing a snail's shell would make it faster... Turns out, it only makes it more sluggish.
A tourist asks a man in uniform "Are you a policeman?" "No I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."
Mickey Mouse wants a divorce. "Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?" "No, I said she was fucking Goofy"
Why is politics for the birds? Because politiciands always parrot the same old lines!
Excuse me - can you tell me the way to the Staten Island Ferry? Thpeaking.
My boyfriend said that I'm more than enough woman for him, and now I'm mad because I think he called me fat.
Why don't emus ever finish all the food on their plates? They don't want to be ostrich-sized!
my parents met on reddit im the joke
Why did a Hispanic man rob a train? He had loco motives!
A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple? Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them. Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
What font is used for alphabet soup. Times New Ramen
What is white and lies in the grass? A shleep.
Head says "Forget about her." Heart says "Tell her u love her." Bottle of whisky says"Ride the cat around the house & you'll feel better."
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because little boys don't fit in a lightbulb.
What's the hardest thing about nailing a baby to a tree? My Penis.
My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"... Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"
"It says here you're very sarcastic?" Actually it says sadistic "why would you put that on a resume?" I was being sarcastic
What's the hardest part about nailing a dead baby to a tree? My dick.
My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.
Why did the band Nickelback get booed at the football halftime show? Because they suck.
How come the Government knows when I don't file my taxes, and when I leave the country, and when I take a shit - but still needs a census?
[Insert Funny Name Here] A midget psychic escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
Why are batman and black man different? Bat man can go a whole night without robin
ME: did it hurt GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Not now, kids. Mommy's boiling the Easter bunny.
No thanks, toilets that flush. -kids
How does a blonde count a thousand sheep? She counts the legs, and divides by 4.
Where do you drown a hipster? The Mainstream.
Tardiness makes me extremely angry. As my late wife found out.
Magic is like breast implants... ...we all know its fake, but when done well, can give you a feeling of true wonder
I'm not into Russian dolls anymore. They are so fucking full of themselves.
If you mix taco bell sauce into your ramen.. It tastes exactly like poverty.
Well, that didn't work. Anybody need 1000 custom candy hearts saying "Threesome?"
[HIGHLY OFFENSIVE] TRANSGENDER MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE
What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool? A broad abroad on a board aboard.
Did you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom? He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.
It's funny how all those "best places in the world" lists always forget to include the Internet.
Just saw the coolest magic trick! Ticketmaster turned a $15 concert ticket into $38.95
what's your best oscar one liner? tell me.
Welcome to thievery club. Please take a seat.
What's the hardest thing about roller blading? Hearing that fucking joke all day.
$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
"Guess What?" "What?" "Good Guess"
What goes "Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop click-click-click-click-click-click pop-click"? A stuttering South African tribesman.
Why does Mexico do so badly in the Olympics ? Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is in the US.
Did you know that 90% of all dog in South Korea are inbred? Most commonly it's whole wheat or rye
There's no ''I'' in team... But there's a ''U' in cunt.
An englishman a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar The welshman isn't there because he's still at the euros
A skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop.
(After you win something, say this to the loser). You're like an Italian man with his foot in his mouth (Italian accent) You tasted defeat.
How are babies different from feminists ? Babies grow up and stop crying
I told my son that I found his hamster. He was ecstatic. Until I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.
If you ever see a tweet that says "www@google.com", that's my grandma trying to use the internet. Leave her alone.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn't seem to be having the desired affect.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, "We've been expecting you."
What lives in gum trees ? Stick insects !
Want to hear about the worst blowjob I ever had? It was awesome
When someone spaces out their "ha ha ha's" in a text I read it in Count Dracula's voice
Did you hear about the fighting dwarf? He's funny. A real knee-slapper.
Just told my four year old daughter there's a skeleton inside of her and made her cry.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti! Me: I know Hub: Pass the foot powder. ~and that's why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I've never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn't swish it around.
TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation. In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!
I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him." Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
being in a club at my age feels more like i'm being set-up for an episode of "To Catch a Predator"
Want to hear a knock-knock joke? Two men walk into a bar- knock, knock.
Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying "no"? No. Oh so it's you!
So it looks like Donald Trump does have a big dick, Especially when he holds it with those tiny hands.
By starring this tweet, you agree to my terms of service.* *Unlimited** free***, surprise butt sex. **Some limitations apply. ***Not free.
I took a really sloppy poo today... My ass was wiped more times than Ian Watkins' search history
So this kid in my anatomy class asked where the gluteus maximus was... In my opinion it was a dumb, ass question.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night? Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
HER: this isn't working out ME: is it because I'm too literal? HER: I just don't want to see you any more ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Do not use the word "ghetto" indiscriminately unless referring to that booty there. Daaaaamn!
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? pick it up and suck his dick
Clueless shark. Why did the clueless shark keep swimming in circles? A : It had a bleed on its tail fin.
Being at the alligator park reminds me of my time in jail So many crocs.
Shout out to... ...baseball players who have three strikes.
What does Tom Cruise have in common with gay porn stars? All their best work is behind them
Whats the difference between an environmentalist and a dog sitting in the rain? eventually the dog sitting in the rain will stop whinging.
If you're hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I shouldn't have said that. - Me. Whenever I talk.
If advil is ibuprofen, and tylenol is acetaminophen, what is viagra? Micoxafalin.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair Virgin Mobil
St. Patrick's day vs Martin Luther King Jr. Day. What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day? St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.
What car did the Apostles drive? (Hint:Acts 2:1 KJV)
I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean...imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.
What do you say to a hitchhiking frog ? Hop in !
Boss: I'm sorry but we have to let you go. Me: Really? That's not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video* me: [42 seconds later] wow that's so awesome thanks for sharing!
"Ughhh! It's raining! My hair and shoes are sooo gonna be ruined!" -rich people. "WOOHOOO free shower and car wash!" -poor people.
What do you call a horse that's been all around  the world? A globe-trotter!
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
What political party does Jon Snow belong to? The Know-Nothings!
A 2-hour movie called "Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?"
I found a dog (no joke). If he's yours let me know. Male german shepherd. I am teaching him how to use a gun and drive a motorcycle.
Why Did the Italian Go to the Sauna? For a self'a steam.
What does a black man do after sex? (somewhat racist) 15 to Life!
Why was 10 scared? ... because he was in the middle of 9-11! Better phrasing recommendations appreciated :-)
There are six American flags on the Moon. Five of them are still standing. Due to the strong UV radiation, they are all completely white by now. So it looks like the French landed there.
A car dealership twice the size... ...can offer a whole lot more.
A Massachusetts man was arrested for illegally keeping over 400 birds in his home. He tried to keep it a secret, but he couldn't keep the birds from tweeting about it.
Dad: Don't be selfish. Let your brother use the sled half the time. Son: I do Dad. I use it going down the hill and he gets to use it coming up!
"is this the Krusty crab?" No! This is Patrick!
What does one llama say to the other llama before the smoke some weed? Alpaca bowl!!!
What does a ticket to the 50 Cent concert featuring Nickleback cost? $300 if you ask Ticketmaster
I'm a British real estate agent I only drink propertea.
There's a giant exploding ball of fire in sky every day, and we're just supposed to be cool with it? Hell no, I'm not into that at all.
Sometimes I wish I knew more than just a few jokes. &lt;/clever one liner&gt;
Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you're going to have to play it 10,000 times
What's the difference between a cowboy hat and a tampon? Cowboy hats are for assholes
Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute? It's a once in a lifetime experience
Deli meats I knew a guy who was addicted to deli meats. He just couldn't quit cold turkey.
When I worked at the shoe store... I was the sole employee.
Just explained the Higgs Boson to my friend even tho I don't understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Prince The artist formally known as alive
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the jaw, it's decendents are known today as giraffes.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association
What do soybeans call their mother? Edamame.
If clouds became sentient... They would take over the world.
Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I'll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.
This guy next to me says my cigarette smoke is bothering him. I'm like: Well, it's killing me and I'm not bitching about  it.
Walked past a hero turned to stone I guess the gods took him for granite
If you spoon with a fat person, is it called ladling?
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I'm not saying... Putin is humiliating Obama, but the last time a Russian treated an African America like this, Apollo creed died.
What's the difference between a gamer and a pot of boiling water? A pot of boiling water doesn't get salty when you put a tea-bag in it.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can't convict with no murder weapon. It's the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
A dolphin was on trial for killing a family member... The judge asked, "Did you do it on porpoise?"
I have a life besides Twitter. Like this one time that I take a walk into the woods but then realize there was no wifi & I began to panic.
Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.
My new puppy is an excellent blacksmith... ...every time I yell he makes a bolt for the door!
I don't like the Man I become when I answer Dora before my toddler does
*found in the netflix horror section* "Mary has a secret that'll TEAR YOU APART" Movie name: Mary piranha
[interrupts co-worker] actually I don't feel like talking to you
I have an addiction to cheddar... But it's only mild
Did you hear the joke about King Midas and King Oedipus? It's pure, motherfucking gold.
It's impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye. So this is your uncle, you live with him now.
A Collection of Great Comedians Jokes Just found a collection of great comedians jokes and thought I'd share it. [Here's the link!](http://famehorse.com/collection-of-great-comedians-jokes/)
Why don't you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Gravity makes a terrible friend. It's always holding you down.
Did you hear Donald Sterling is having a child? Paula Dean is the mother.
I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts... even my eyelashes.
Autocorrect changed "panic attack" to "pancake attack" and now I'm hysterical AND hungry.
Damn girl are you a cougar? No, I am a feminist, sexual harassment lawyer with a microphone hidden under my blouse.
What do you call a porn star who only does anal when she's drunk? Mullet. Business in the front and outdated by today's standards in the rear
"it looks like one horny mother fucker wrote this" *holds up torch to read hieroglyphics painted on wall* "it reads: "can i fuck a pyramid"
Somebody keeps on putting topsoil on my allotment. The plot thickens...
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can't even right now, obvs press THREE.
Rabinowitz: Whatcha reading? Rabinowitz: Whatcha reading? Topper: Great Expectations. Rabinowitz: Is it any good? Topper: Its not all I hoped for. Hot Shots Part Deux. Best joke in the movie.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? goes back four seconds..
Why are gardeners the best pimps? Because they are well versed in whorticulture
I made a band called Erectile Dysfunction We never made it big.
Doctor Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking Do you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all.
i want to make my racing snail like turbo snail
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
Jokes about wife. First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive. LOL
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
hey I just met you and this is crazy but I'm going to argue with another stranger in your mentions for hours maybe
What's Eric Garner's favorite song? Breathe Again- Toni Braxton
I'd tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction...
Would you like to hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit!
What do you call a rooster who is okay with his wife screwing other cocks? A cluckold.
My mother is displeased with me. In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
What do Santa and Jared from Subway have in common? They both leave kids rooms with an empty sack
[job interview] "You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means." "Ironic isn't it? Is it? I don't know."
*runs into restaurant* IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR? "I'm a doctor" Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I'm very poor
PSA: Please don't call them dwarves... It's not the proper gnomenclature.
What do Hillbillies do on Halloween? Pumpkin
I don't think I have a drinking problem I find it incredibly easy to drink!
Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest tampon ever found They are trying to find out what period it came from
I'm sick of women staring at my spaceship. It's like, HELLO, my tentacles are up here!
Confucius says: Woman who sleeps with judge..... receives honorable discharge
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator was opened? "Close that damn door! Can't you see I'm dressing??"
Going back to work in 10 mins. When I'm back, this better be front page, Reddit.
80% of readers won't understand this...and the rest 20% will be condescending. How do you confuse Pareto? Tell him you belong to "the" 20%.
I am not a racist (Nsfw) Racism is a crime, crime is for black people. I don't mean to hurt anyones feelings! A coworker just told me this.
What did the dwarf pimp say to his working girl? Hi hoe, hi hoe. It's off to work you go!
A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing "The cloak stopped working" to which I responded "OMG you can see me?!"
I hate airplanes and flying. It's like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I'd rather drop a baby than my iPhone.... I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I'm an expert at dating After all, I work in the calendar factory 12 hours a day
It was so cold out today I actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.
Someone stole my catheter... ... they really took the piss.
Why can't Chinese people tie their shoes? I would love to tell you, but I am afraid the answer is a little bit lacist.
Farts are ghosts of things we eat!
Why do traffic lights never go swimming? Because they spend too much time changing.
I really love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky you use a feather, perverted you use the whole chicken.
What do you call a musician Trump supporter? A Trump-et
If Trump and Hillary were both drowning in a lake... would you want regular or sweet potato fries with your burger?
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Penis. I mean, 1.
Me:what did daddy say when he broke his phone? 7y:can I repeat swear words? Me: no 7y: he said nothing then
Q: How do you catch an orange elephant? A: I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because someone threw a fridge at her....
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting this joke to be in ternary
new antidepressant for lesbians has just been unveiled. Tricoxagan.
Where did Abdelhamid Abaaoud do most of his craft shopping? Wahabi Lobby.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don't need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
What's the only way a Trumpie can get hard? Freezing to death.
Wearing sunglasses makes you look (_) *Shady.*
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
My buddy the hacker took the quiz "What Beatles song best describes your life." The answer he got: "My Way".
Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other  but they don't meant it either.
I just want free gold. But what would i use it for teehee
I think my lab partner and I are finally hitting it off because I feel a lot of chemistry between us.
Have you ever heard of that car with an engine made of wood? It wooden go.
Did you hear that Donald Trump's new hair will cause riots due to its connection to satanic rituals? If he confirms the change, they'll be hell toupee. I'll show myself out.
What is the opposite of Karen Carpenter and John Denver duo? Two Live Crew
Awful Knock Knock Joke Knock Knock Who's there? Didgerid Didgerid who? bzanweaaaangggglllllddeeeeeoooooowwwwwaaaaannnn.... In my opinion, the lamer the knock knock joke, the better.
Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company? Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.
My friend called me cheesy I said "don't Brie so mad, its all Goud-a"
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
According to movies when a huge object is chasing you, left and right turns do not exist.
How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals
Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
A Christmas Wish Little Johnny wrote a letter to Santa, Dear Santa Claus Please send me a sister for Christmas Santa wrote back, Dear Little Johnny Please send me your mother
What do snowmen wear on their heads ? Ice caps !
Customer: I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn't cook either.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer
I don't even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during Xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Jake and the Cat Man: One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Cuban I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she had got me a Che Guevara shirt. Clothes, but no cigar.
Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline? Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
What do you call it when a brunette dyes her hair blonde? Brainwashing.
A man runs out of a forest and into a bar, yelling: the squirrels are after me, they think I'm nuts!
Why is divorce so expensive? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!!!
Iraq was the Target of wars. We went for one thing and ended up spending money on a bunch of other shit we didn't need.
Gang rape... ...5 of 6 people will enjoy it.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
What was the anti-aging makeup company's slogan? Make America 8 again
How do you make a Jewish philosopher have a Eureka moment? Tell him the Final Solution.
What did the mother bullet say to the father bullet? We're having a BB.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"
When I'm horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
There's a fine line between being spotted in line at Old Navy and getting shot in the face.
It's not true that all black people are mistreated in America Some black people are mistreated in other countries.
I heard Facebook is looking to start a program with insurance companies... It'll be called Friends With Benefits.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.
A mosquito bit Hillary Clinton the other day... It was later found to have hit itself in the back of the head with a fly swatter.
How many cops does it take to arrest a broken light bulb? Two. One arrests the room for being black. The other arrests the bulb for being broke.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
A while back I was walking through the woods and found a body... He must have gotten stuck in a bear trap or something. I never told anyone about it but I came back about a week later and he was dead.
I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.
if pointing out racism makes me a racist, then i'm going to start pointing out millionaires.
Knock knock, who's there? Not your dad, that's for sure!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I'm very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My dad dropped his meth pipe. Now he has a crack pipe.
I used to be indecisive... ...but now I'm not so sure.
I own the tallest horse in town. When I sit on it, I understand what it's like to be a vegan.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: 'Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?' Samuel L Jackson: 'Sure'
Fun Fact: The human brain isn't able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order? Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian? Pizza Hut: Yes, but don't ever call me vegetarian again.
Just complained to my girlfriend that my iPhone battery wasn't lasting more than 2 hours & it dawned on me that I'm white & totally spoiled.
What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common? They're both tree fellers.
Made a special running playlist that's nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I've lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
TIL that women have a second stomach for dessert. It's called the uterus.
A Pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says to the pirate, 'do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?' The pirate says, 'Arrrrrgh! It's drivin' me nuts!'
You can't run in a campground, you can only ran because it's past tense.
Have you seen www.square.com? No I haven't got around to it.
I was once offered a role in a gay porno But in the audition, I blew it
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
People keep asking me why I'm working for Dr Frankenstein. I'm only trying to make a living.
What do you call Call Of Duty in the middle east ? Tuesday
What comes in little cans? Red Bull and Priests.
Couple trolling A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says "I love you". The husband says "Is that you or the wine talking?". The wife replies "It's me, talking to the wine"...
Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion? CrossFit
What if a man existed w/one hand that's a steak and the other is lobster plus unlimited salad bar? This is the plot of "Edward Sizzlerhands"
She called and said she didn't have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
What's the difference between an arts graduate and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family
What was the demon arrested for? Possession.
What does Snoop Dogg do when he forgets to put on oven mitts? He drops it like it's hot.
Why would you wear two pairs of pants while golfing? You might get a hole in one.
Why does Dracula have no friends? Because he's a pain in the neck.
Twitter is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Another lawyer joke What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
What do you call it when a Bulgarian uses vulgar language? A Bulgarity.
How do we know that Apes are like fish after a rainstorm? They'll both bite at anything!
This guy says he rides a bike 20 miles a day, and then runs 5 miles a day too. Yo bro, you gotta get a car.
Where do kings keep there armies? In their sleevies.
Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard. So now I'm explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.
My boyfriend isn't allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.
Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories The library (My 6yo told me to tweet this)
Porn is getting worse and worse by day (it's sick) even 5 yr olds are shaving their pussies.
what did Spock find in the ships lavatory? the captain's log
I went outside once.... The graphics were great! But the storyline sucked!!!!!
The key ingredients for a successful diet : Duct tape Rope Rat poison Shovel Bag of lime Alibi What?...wait. Wrong list.
Natural Rights - opposite of natural lefts
Trans-Jenner? Has that joke been made yet?
Local cyborg beats another cyborg to death for it's Sodium-nickle batteries, proceeds to restore his electricity supply after being arrested. He was charged with a salt.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb? None. Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.
Tell me about your time in the pornography business It's a schlong story.
*phone rings* Wife: Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan* Wife - "....""
Whats the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I'm grounded.
Food choices How come almost everything that tastes good is bad and almost everything that tastes bad is good?
Two fish are in a tank, what does one fish say to the other? How do you drive this thing?!
Why did the Mexican fail English class? Because he refused to turn in his essays
CNN is like a strip club... They keep dancing around all the polls.
oh, so now star wars is the best thing you've ever seen, is it? "yes, and?" so you've forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?
62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean....... now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.
Which rabbit was in Western movies?  Hopalong Cassidy.
My dog used to chase people on a bike It got so bad, I had to take his bike away
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn't, the new chick probably squirts or does anal.
What do you call a water fowl looking in a window? Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)
What phrase describes both my personal life and how I feel about the /r/Ama-ggedon? Fuck /u/kn0thing
What kind of reptile loves to start shit? An insta-gator
What do the twin towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
I hear most Muslims are capitalists... They're always going on and on about some Great Profit.
Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.
Hey Ray Rice... What do you tell a fiance with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.
What's the similarity between Nike and the KKK? They both make black men run faster.
Did you hear about the guy who froze himself? I hear he is 0K!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bologna ! Bologna who ? Bologna & cheese !
I hear China makes some high-quality wine... ...people have been raving about the Grape of Nanking.
Which way do 5 gay guys move? In One Direction. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t45i8cjHzko&amp;feature=youtube_gdata_player
Can you imagine life without women? It would be a pain in the ass.
Why dont they use phone books in China? Because they have so many Wing's and Wong's That they might Wing the Wong Numba!!!
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit? "You going to eat that?"
What do you call an emo on a hiking trip? Cliffhanger.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? their middle name
We could have saved 10 - 15 lives a year if Noah would have just said "ya know what, bears? No". Plus the Cubs wouldn't be a team.
What does a pimp and a redneck have on common? They both like to throw a ho-down.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw* Me: GIVE ME ALL Y- Teller: WHAT M: GIVE ME THE MONEY T: SIR YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT IN HERE M: WHAT
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but... Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Did you hear that the guys from "The Expendables" are doing a movie about classical composers? Arnold Schwarzenegger has already signed up, and said "I'll be Bach."
I finally set up a new sky light in my apartment! I don't know why my upstairs neighbors are so furious though.
TIL a man went in to have his right leg amputated but somehow they removed his left. After the mistake was corrected, he then sued but lost Judge said he didn't have a leg to stand on
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can This is now a spam post.
Me: You're the only one who truly gets me. Chipotle guy: What? Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.
Q: Which way did the programmer go? A: He went DATA way!
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can't be said for hair.
Doctor these pills you gave me for  BO... What's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms!
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Thank you everyone! As the newest mod of /r/news, I would like to say [removed]
ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
What did a tree say to another tree? Nothing, trees can't talk!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? He woke up later
How do you organize a space party you planet
What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?- They boo-kle their seatbelts
Are you saying that if I shoot you with a pistol, you won't get hurt? Why don't you give it a shot?
I bet Bram Stoker is sitting on some cloud, flipping through the Twilight books with a raised eyebrow, wondering what the hell happened.
Dad: "Hey son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?" Son: "Haha, you can't fool me again Dad! A chair!" Dad: "Not this time, son. Our dog died."
Oklahoma Thunder & Miami Heat... Can't tell if they are talking about a weather report or NBA Finals.
Drag slicks are a lot like condoms... ...you don't really mind a broken one until you realize how expensive it's going to be.
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"
Christmas song Single bells, Single bells. Single all the way. My crush said let's be friends. Friendzone all the way !!
Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb they screw in a hot tub.
A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence
According to the Bible, what's Noah's favorite fruit? Pears.
I introduced my girlfriend to the family Me: hello everyone, meet Jasmine Jasmine: Hi Wife: what the fuck
I've lost a friend after we chopped up a man from Bangkok together We severed Thais
Why did the pirate go to Ireland? he thought he was going to Arrrland.
my wife made me a birthday cake She complained it didn't look anything like Nigella's at all. I told her that's OK, since she doesn't look anything like Nigella either.
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? Because the D shells are too big, and the B shells are too small.
Election One-Liner Looks like the Democrats were holding strong in the Midwest until the republicans got off work..
How do you protect yourself from ghosts? Hide in the living room.
What is Vladimir Putin's favourite subject? Computin science
A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, "You smell good, What do you have on?" The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."
"Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word
Who is the most successful rapist? Django
My kids don't drive me to drink. Can't wait until they get their license and they can though.
Why do Chinese people love NY? Because they heard we sell hotdogs for $0.75 each.
What do you call a Rastafarian Police Officer? Jamaican Bacon...
[SCIENCE FAIR] ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts. PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids. OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Vegeta truly had his karma come back to him. He got married and had kids.
BREAKING. With Disney buying Star Wars Donald Duck will now have four nephews. Huey, Louie, Dewey and Chewie.
Did you hear what happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.
Why do men carry condoms instead of women? Because by the time women found a condom in their purses, kid would be 3 years old
A man walks into a doctors office... Wearing nothing but plastic shrink wrap. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts."
If you're waiting on me to 'get ready' I'm probably just spending 20 minutes trying to get my hoodie strings the same length.
I've had a shitty week. I either want to curl up in the fetal position or the fecal position.
A teacher tells the class whoever answers her next question can go home. A boy throws his bag out the window Teacher: "Who just threw that?!" Boy: "Me. I'm going home now."
Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button? Blond guys aren't too smart either.
Drinking Coors is like sex in a canoe It's fucking close to water
I'm going to make a comedy about plumbers. It's going to be called snakes in a drain.
Life hack: Go into a promising career field with good benefits and a 401(k) because you're not talented enough to be famous
Oldest boy band in the world One erection
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
what did the peanut say to the squirrel ??? he said im hungry and I'm as tired as a tree
Responsible pet owners pick up their dog's poop. Cool pet owners pick their dogs up from the airport (after their doggy business trips).
Difference's Between two Jesus's What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and actual Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
I really can't believe the price some women pay for sunglasses. I'm starting to think it'd be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.
did you hear about the miners' new album? i really dig it
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Why does Karl Marx like stormy days? There are no classes.
What kind of milk does Mitt Romney drink? 1%
What do you call 2 guys hanging on the wall around a window? Kurt and Rod.
If Donald Trump was a fruit what would he be? A walnut.
A farmer was worried when he counted only 196 cows... ...but when he rounded them up, much to his relief, he had 200.
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke holes that it's often poked before? A key.
Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? He's always nailed to the boards....
You know what's more believable than Keanu Reeves as a doctor? ANYTHING.
Knock Knock. Who's there? A lazy person. A lazy person who? You guys can fill in the rest for yourselves.
It's not stalking if you don't put it in park.
Someone told me Harrison Ford is part Jewish. So it's fair to say, "Han hammered first."
I saved a girl from getting raped last night.. .. I stayed home and jacked off
I was helping Mom with the computer and now she thinks I'm racist... All I told her to do was push "ALT + "
A gay vegan atheist walked into a bar.. I knew he was because he told everyone in five seconds.
Got my ass fucking handed to me at Candyland again today by my 3 year-old. This decade is going to SUCK.
What do you call a writer who feels like they've been born in the wrong body Transcribe
A groaner just for you... Q. What do you have if you are holding a mothball in your right hand and a mothball in your left hand? A. A **VERY** large moth...
I bet if Amy Winehouse had changed her name to Amy Lemonadehouse, she'd still be alive today.
I feel bad for Kim-Jong Un It's hard being the fat kid in high school, so it must be really difficult being the only fat kid in the country.
I saw two WNBA tickets nailed to a fence today It's my lucky day! Free nails.
You can't get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
A lawyer and a boulder are dropped from a cliff at the same time. Which hits the ground first? Who cares?
What animals were last to leave the ark ? The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !
What's the male equivalent of a feminist? A sexist.
Say what you will about human beings, but we did invent ice cream.
Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.
Girls: He's cute. He's cute. He's cute. He's cute. Ewww.  Guys: Fuckable. Fuckable. Fuckable. Fuckable. Too fat.
My 8yo's looking for a summer job. He's a pretty decent bartender if anyone's hiring.
What's the opposite of a basic Jew? A Hasidic Jew. (Thank you.. Thank you.. I'll be here all week..)
What do you call it when a black guy gets a hard on? The Dark Knight Rises
Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The Country!
[taking atendance] teacher: jimmy jimmy: here teacher: susie susie: here teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel omnipresent sentinel: always
Tom Brady says on the sidelines after throwing his 2nd pick of the superbowl... ......tom: I can't handle the air pressure.
Three /r/Jokes mods walk in a bar.............. [removed]
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Employees are rungs on the ladder to success... don't be afraid to step on a few.
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
What do you call a man who worships his own scrotum? Sacrilegious.
My mum made an accidental physics joke today. Me: What did you do today? Mum: Well, the builders that moved the garage came over and I paid them for their work done.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious"
There's only way we can end this; we have to kill the head Wayans.
How many countries' flags make an appearance at every auto race in the world? Two. Libya's to start the race, and France's to signal there's one lap to go.
Q.: "Governor, what would you say if Trump picked you as his running mate?" Christie: "I'll close down that bridge when I get to it."
Did you hear Jurassic World got shut down? Apparently they found a crisp rat in the kitchen!
What if gravity...was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Almost had an accident due to texting while driving Barely hit send and some idiot slammed on his brakes! Luckily I only spilled my beer
They're calling the Patriot thing "Deflategate?" I was hoping they'd go with "Ball-o-caust."
I entered a contest to win a car, but ended up winning a phone It was Nokia, but it was still a great prize.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, an insomniac? A person that lays awake late at night and ponders if there's such a thing as a dog.
Q: How did Bill Cosby find his daughter in the woods? A: Pretty good
A man goes to a store, walks up front and greets the girl behind the counter: "Hey, baby, do you believe in love at first sight?" "No" "Then I'll come back tomorrow"
Some girls are like community colleges... Even if you're not the smartest guy, you probably still get in.
"What is the difference between a burger and a blow job?" " I don't know, what is the difference between a burger and a blow job?" "Let's go to lunch!"
What do you call a battered Irish Man? Mashed Potatoes.
Two clean jokes that start dirty. What's brown and sticky? A STICK! What's a foot long and slippery? A SLIPPER!
someone just tweeted "do crabs think fish are flying" and i just know this is all i'll think about for the rest of the year
What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your vasectomy.
What do you call a blind buck? No idear. What do you call a blind buck with no legs? Still no idear.
What kind of ideas do blind people get? Brailleant ones. Sauce: Am blind.
RIP boiling water You will be mist
Guess what I did today.... i 2^3  
Groaner Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker's wurst nightmare.
Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
What is difference between a good joke and A bad joke timing.
How do you piss off a white guy? Tell him he is racist.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
The guy who wrote the book "everybody poops"... ...should write Number 2
"Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?" "Sweetie, I'm pretty sure he's a dog."
Why did voldermort used Twitter instead of Facebook? Because he only had followers. Not friends.
Q: Why did the eskimo wash his clothes in Tide?  A: Because it was too cold outside.
Why do pigs run into trees? To shake out the alligators. I've never seen an alligator In a tree. That's because the pigs do such a good job.
There are two key principles in life One of them is not saying everything you know
What do you call a sleeping pizza? a *piZZZa* haha someone pls date me
No matter if you are a man or a woman Taking off a bra is usually a pretty awesome event.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It's called 'We're poor because of you'.
Why do you never tease a fat girl with lisp? Because she's thick and tired of it.
What noise does Doppler's cat make? Meeeeeaaaaaaoooooo^oooowwww^wwww^www
The Greek restaurant in my town is so authentic that it went bankrupt
[friend consoling me through bad break up] "You need to eat, Luke. You can't just sit there" *i start crying more* Karen & I used to eat
Isn't the smell of defeat... ...the smell of de socks?
What do you call a meeting exclusively attended by pine, juniper and fir trees? A coniference.
What is the difference between a teacher and a train? Teacher says "spit out that gum!" But a train says "choo! Choo!"
Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.
Socialism Q. Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists? A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.
How can you tell that a straight pin is confused? Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other.
Just bought a sandwich at the airport so gonna have to put off buying a house for a while.
What 8 letter word is read the same way backwards and forwards? Dyslexia
Why shouldn't you get a Bachelors in Science? Because it's BS. Yea that was bullshit. Fine I'll cut it out..
Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Keep it down sir or they'll all be wanting one.
The difference between my dick and Stuart Little ? Stuart.
The doctor gave me 1 month to live So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
So I fired my sphere maker... He kept cutting corners.
2016 has been the year for unforeseen outcomes Something tells me 20/20 will be the year of hindsight.
a feminist, a man, and a dog walk into a bar the girl asks the guy, why does the dog have to be here? the man says: "I thought you would get lonely, bitches gotta stick together"
I love Mondays... It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.
Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Well, here he is: [Prince Albert in a can](http://imgur.com/65aBahK) EDIT: Anyone remember that old-old joke?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Becomes he only CUMS once a year
Ughh so pissed off. My mail order bride is pretending she doesn't speak english just so she doesn't have to wear the jester outfit again.
Roses are red, violets blue, Open you're legs a few hours or two.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
I took a girl to Fight Club. Terrible place for a first date. We had nothing to talk about.
Internet Explorer. The number one browser..... For downloading other browsers.
What is Mario's favorite material? Denim Denim Denim
Help oh god a I tied a balloon to my hand and now I'm two hours over the ocean held hostage by the wind
Star Wars Spoilers You clicked on this? Seriously? What is wrong with you?
"How would you describe yourself, Plain Bagel?" "Hmm. Well, it's hard to think of a term other than 'bullshit'." "I agree, Plain Bagel."
Ironic... is having a coke machine reject your dollar bill for it being rolled up to many times.
How many frat brahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None- it's already lit, fam
Describe yourself in three words... Lazy.
What move does the karate kid practice the most? He wax off everyday
Church: Follow Jesus. Me: Does he follow back? Church: .. Me: .. Church: .. Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Why do sandwiches never have kids? Because they always turn out in-bread.
Whenever I see a sign saying Fine Jewelry I think to myself, it's probably had enough warnings, why not just arrest it.
My friend eats Dead People but it's okay because he's a Fungi
What does an identity thief look like? A mirror.
If I have 10 cookies and someone takes one away - how many cookies do I have? 10 cookies and some bloody knuckles
I told my kids I'd rather they "pull the plug" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
After a long search, I finally found the French cologne I was looking for... It was hiding behind the American cologne
Catch 22: Husband said if I quit Twitter he would pay for a boob job. But if I had huge jugs I would get tons of new followers. Sigh.
Blind dates are the best They don't even see me coming
Why are fire trucks always red? You'd turn red if someone pulled on your hose wouldn't you?
What's the difference between a tiny penis and a joke? My date didn't laugh at my jokes.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg. That'll blow his Lil mind
[NSFW] I was walking home when I heard a homeless guy yell .. I was walking home when I heard a drunk homeless guy yell -" You motherfucker , your daughter is your sister"
The Atom and the Cation The Atom says to the Cation, "who's in charge around here?" Cation: "I am!" Atom: "Are you sure?" Cation: "I'm positive!"
Officer there's nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A...a friend
I'm not an alpha male I'm a male
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german] ME: i have never been more frightened
How do you make an Asian Blind? you put a windshield in front of them
My doctor gave me a prescription of daily sex My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
You know what's the difference between a housewife and a politician? The housewife thinks about doing her taxes while having sex. The politician thinks about having sex while spending your taxes.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield* General: "STAY STRONG, MEN!" *soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
What do you call ghosts that haunt liquor stores? Spirits
Yo momma so fat... Her first name is Chow Yun.
Jetsons? Hardly. The future turns out to be playing Scrabble from the toilet at work with someone halfway around the world.
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  mosquito Go away sucker!
People overlook Dracula's positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Q. Why do men like love at first site? A. It saves them a lot of time.
Girl are you a gorilla exhibit? Cause I wanna throw a child in you
Which blood type does a bad speler have? Typo
So a pirate walks into a bar, he has a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender goes: "What are you doing with that thing?" The pirate responds: "Arr, its been drivin' me nuts."
Did you hear about the first gay bar in Saudi Arabia? It's called: Allahu Cock-bar!
What did the hacker do when the police came for him? He ransomware.
My wife asked me what I was doing today... ...I said "nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday." I replied, "I wasn't finished."
I wouldn't recommend eating German sausage... It's the wurst!
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger .. And then it hit me.
they played Twist,so I twisted. they played Jump, so I jumped. they played Come on Eileen ... and I was banned for life
My favorote rascist joke Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson had the same nickname growing up, can you guess what it is? Nigger
Star Trek jokes thread. I'll start: Q: How many Borgs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. You will be assimilated.
Did you hear about... ...the new WSPA building downtown? The offices are so small, you couldn't swing a cat in there!
Teacher: That's quite a cough you have  there what are you taking for it? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?
What equine likes to cut in line? A sawhorse!
I can sleep for ages and not get tired
Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around. Now I feel depressed and miserable.
With hostess shutting down... I bet Colorado is rethinking legalizing weed now...
Two Polish guys are walking through the woods... One says "Look, a dead bird!". The other looks up in the trees and says "Where?!"
I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once ? I'm on the horns of a dilemma here !
Mom: Why is your room always so... Mom: Why is your room always so messy? Me: So that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they'll trip over something and die.
My Grandad woke up with a puzzled look on his face. The daft b*stard had fallen asleep on his jigsaw.
"Stationary shop moves".....
I got an allergic reaction to peanuts. Then I got sued by TheFineBros.
What does Bill Cosby eat for breakfast? Rapefruit
What is a homophobe's favorite fruit? Cant-elope.
got a job at the no more tears baby shampoo factory spraying shampoo into babies eyes and filming their reactions. best job ive ever had
Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing off'."
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
What did the window say when it was cracked? Well this is a pane in my glass.
damn girl are you the expiration date on my milk because I regret not paying attention to you
If you use a meat tenderizer to repeatedly hit a backless bar chair does it become a stool softener? Probably.
Why did the football player go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
So I recently opened a suicide bomb shop in Syria, and it's doing great! Prophets are going through the roof.
So Chad Kroeger was just diagnosed with a vocal cyst... I guess that's what the doctor can call nickleback.
Little Steve runs to his mom "Mommy mommy, other boys at school are calling me gay all the time" Mom: "Why don't you try calling them names too?" Steve: "I can't, they're so beautiful"
A beautiful woman approaches a man in a bar... A beautiful woman approaches a man in a bar and says, "hey, big boy. You single?" He says, "yeah! How'd you know?" "You're fucking ugly, for starters."
When chuck Norris was born WWII had ended
You know you have problems when you mentally click a "like" button every time you see something that pleases you..
[Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is 'babe' Bee: B-A-E J: Sorry. There's another 'B' Bee: WHAT! WHERE? *goes crazy* *stings Judge* *dies*
I have accepted "Jesus Christ!" as my personal exclamation.
Why do chicken coups have two doors? Because if they had 4 doors they'd be a chicken sedan.
Two atoms One atom says to the other, "you're a weird dude. You know that?" The other atom responds "hey man, we all have some quarks."
Stupid people have it made. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer.
There were seven dwarves in a bath feeling happy Happy needed years of intensive therapy and counselling before eventually committing suicide
My first workout back at the gym was great... I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
What's the difference between officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown? Officer Wilson can dodge a bullet
Breakup? I'm sorry no. You're not finished being in love with me yet.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. 1845 never forget.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers] And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep I said 'Sure, seventy'.
Take your time for this joke Loading..
Why does Santa have 3 houses? One for each of his hoes.
What happened to the man who owned a riding academy? Business kept falling off!
Some say that Mexicans are bordering on the insane... But so what? So are Canadians.
So a commie, a clown and a crook walk into a bar... ...no wait, they enter a presidential race.
If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
I don't get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I'm in my underwear making a sandwich.
I save a ton of money on teeth whitening by not smiling.
Four men are in a boat trying to smoke some cigarettes, but they don't have a lighter. One man throws a cigarette over board and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.
Police officer to a driver: "OK, driver's license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle." Driver: "Nah, I've already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain's cap?"
Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!
Apparently the safe word has changed to... NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye....
Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?
For a guy who's obsessed with public safety, I think Batman drives a little too fast sometimes.
I would tell you a joke about bins.. ..But it's rubbish.
Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum] Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures* Batman: Ugh
My Birthday For my birthday I asked for a bicycle, an action man, and a vibrating butt plug... I never got that bike.
What did the field say to the farmer with no crops? Stop fallowing me!
What's the difference between a Pakistani preschool and Isis headquarters? I don't know man I just fly the drones
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one. Parenting is hard, you guys.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb must want to change.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
*wife puts down dinner plate* *single pea rolls off plate* Me: oh no we have an esca-pea Wife: Me: I don't care I think it's still funny
I was listening to "Club Tropicana" today... ... And it dawned on me. It's been ages since a heard a Wham! song. Come to think of it, it must have been Last Christmas.
*downloads Pinterest *pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest *uninstalls
[VERY RACIST-NSFW] So they get married... So a nigger and a Mexican get married, and both sets of their parents are afraid... THAT THEIR GRANDCHILDREN WILL BE TOO LAZY TO STEAL
What is the difference... Q: What is the difference between leaves and a car? A: One you brush and rake, the other you rush and brake. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computational_humor
People say, "why buy the cow, if you get the milk for free?" But I don't see anyone buying a car with out a test drive.
Why are there so few black hockey players? Because there was no cotton in Canada.
When you date someone you either end up breaking up with them or marrying them... ...And either way you end up unhappy.
Used to hate red lights before text messaging was invented.
Why do deaf women wear tight jeans? So you can read their lips.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
When do spare parts from Japanese cars start falling out of the sky? When it's raining Datsun cogs.
They'll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that's been open for more than 2 years.
This one will make your taste-buds tingle! "What does a nosy pepper do?" "It gets jalapeno business."
I recently bought a dog from a Blacksmith... And as soon as I got him into the house he made a bolt for the door
Today is the day when Marty Mcfly was supposed to arrive in the future and we still don't have hoverboards! I bet you that Michael J. Fox is just sitting at home shaking with anger
There's no crying in baseball! But there is in cryball and you're gonna make it big, kid! Are you smiling? There's no smiling in cryball!
Why can't my girlfriend perform at open mic night? Because she's a cover thief.
What's the worse part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheelchair
Wer is there **knock knock** *Who's there* Dewey *Dewey who* Dewey have to use a condom
I'm thinking of organizing a marathon which will go down my sisters street..... do you think I should run it past her?
I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.
There are only 3 types of people that I hate. Racists, hypocrites and niggers.
"Um excuse me, my eyes are up here. And here. And here, here, here, here, and here." - spider with big tits
HOW TO JOG: 1. Put on jogging outfit. 2. Go outside. 3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street. 4. Try to milk that cow.
Wat did the romans say when they put jesus on the cross? "Nailed It"
[Reality TV] HOST: Welcome to America's Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to-- *One contestant stands up*: I WON! H: --ruin it.
It's quiet...too quiet... Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner? She had to buy a duet yourself kit... *-drops mic-* *-mike jumps up and promptly kicks hatter in the shin-*
A Lima bean and a kidney bean walk into a bar. The kidney bean shouts, "Hey! I'm a bean!" Then the lima bean replied, "NO! Lima bean!"
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today. Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal. Me: My truck.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.. His response was "I still love Vista, baby!"
What do you call a black pilot? A glitch in the matrix
What do you call a mean Potato? A Dictator.
My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
The people in Bahrain don't like The Flintstones But those in Abu Dhabi do
Why are aspirins white? Because they actually work.
I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil... but it would be pointless.
What gets all sweaty as it rides on top of you? Your backpack.
So John cena wakes up from a coma... He asks the doctor "where am I?" The doctor says "ICU" And John cena says "no you don't"
Good news! Doctor: I have a really good news for you Mrs Johnson Woman: Well, my name is Ms Johnson Doctor: In that case, I have a really bad news for you Ms Johnson!
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.
Oh so you like metal? Name three blacksmiths Will, Jaden and Willow
My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.
what has four wheels and flyz? A garbage truck.....ha ha ha
Teacher: Now class whatever I ask I want you  to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? Class: At once!
President Chafee
Muy Picante: What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
"What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
"I have parrot-like reflexes." "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?"
It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
I should marry a storm trooper. They will always miss me.
Facebook needs a "who cares?" button.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn't ask if anyone's seen it, they just send out an email that says "Give it back Josh"
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Mom called to tell me she is qualified to be a yoga instructor... I think that's a bit of a stretch
Why did Simba have trouble returning to Pride Rock? He ran into trafiki.
What is the best way to avoid having your flight bombed? Bring your own bomb! Cause what are the odds that there are **two** bombs on the same plane?
I once knew this incredibly meticulous man from Taiwan. He was a real Taipei personality.
What do you call someone who just occasionally dabbles in a bit of Islamic fundamentalism? A Wahhobbyist.
Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian? A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? "We don't know who he is, but we know his dentist!"
Whoever you are, you can't deny that Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes sounds like a legitimate title. Don't act like you wouldn't read it.
Teacher: You seem very well read have you read  Shakespeare ? Pupil: No Teacher: What have you read then ? Pupil: Umm I've got red hair !
What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose
What's a black person of the United States called? A frickin' American. What'd you expect, something racist?
What do you get when you sit under a cow? A pat on the head.
Why is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father.
What do you call an Islamic comedian? A Funni Muslim
And for my next trick I'll be pulling the rug from under your feet ~Life
Why didn't the Mexican go bow hunting? Because he didn't habanero.
I just burned my fingers in boiling oil and screamed "OOH OOH AHH AHH" like a monkey it was a chip pan,see
My mum asked me what i had planned for easter. I told her same as Jesus. Im going out on Friday and i will be back on Sunday
My girlfriend made a call during sex... She let me know she was having a great time and she'd be home soon. Thought that was sweet.
If you like interracial porn... ...you'll love the next 4 years. Minorities are going to be fucked constantly by an old white man.
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate !
What do women and fuses have in common? They blow when they get turned on.
So a Mormon walks into a bar..
Spell Indian tent with two letters. TP.
what's black and white and red all over? interracial couple losing virginity
What did Walter White teach? Advanced methematics.
Why couldn't the dimwit read more than one sentence? There was a full stop
Why did Rembrandt lose his house? Because he was *Baroque*.
Why did the police assault the crowd? Because a-peppering them would make them sneeze!
Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.
An old man's wife jumps out of the bathroom in a loose robe and shouts.... SUP-ER PUSSY!!! To which the old man replies "I'll just have the soup"
What is a... ...pain in the ass to do with a woman? Anything What is a pain in the ass to do without a woman? Sex
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don't like, I just say "oh yeah, that's where that really cute girl works". Problem solved.
Two widgets walk into a sidebar... where's the menu? ...my wife's joke :)
"Hellooooo? I'm tweeting here, pay some attention to me" - everyone on twitter ever.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A hundred but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip...the more I'll take off ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Girlfriend and I broke up Now I have no friends. Sadly. A true dark joke.
Can you guess what the pirate's favorite drink is? *Hint: named after a Captain...* Black beer, duh
Funny tounge twister A black mailman getting blackmailed. (Not trying to offend its just a funny sounding word combo.)
Today I'm 45. But with the wind chill I feel like 32.
Long term health risks include death... DOESN'T THAT END YOUR TERM?!?!?!
Why did the bullet stay home? Because it got fired!
Q: Did you ever hear about the rope joke? A: Skip it.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
I was wondering why the basketball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. It was because we were inflating it.
What do you call a Pakistani man who's been everywhere and done everything?? Bin-der-done-dat
Throughout my entire life, there have always been two things I can count on My hands
I tried to buy some purfume from a vending machine, But it was out of odour
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don't have iPhone. 2) I don't have a girlfriend.
Lost Wallet I thought my dad would be angry when I told him I had lost my wallet, but he told me not to worry, that it was in my genes.
What's the worst thing about having sex with 21 year olds? There are 20 of them.
The French cow says MEUX...
Her: Come over, Joseph! Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag Her: My parents aren't at home Stalin: I know
Two types of people There are two types of people in this world: those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you
Judging from what most terrifies my cats, when the apocalypse comes it will be heralded by a great rustling of plastic grocery bags.
What is called when an insurance company assesses a totaled car? An auto-topsy
The owner of hostess just brought the playboy mansion Guess he really liked ho-hos and ding dongs
My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day... Thats an awfully big word for a six year old.
What's the difference between a Fig and a Fig Newton? A Fig Newton is Force sensitive.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizzas didn't scream when Hitler put them in the oven.
The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.
I have this bad habit of projecting. I believe everyone pretty much thinks the same way I do. But I'm sure everyone does that.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He's been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
What's the difference between a white girl who likes to tan and a burger? They both need to be flipped every 10 mins, but only one turns pink when its done.
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says "Uno, dos.." *poof* He disappeared without a tres.
Probably he best advice you will ever receive...... don't listen to any advice on the internet
You know what they say about prison... You go in a tight end and come out a wide receiver
I bought a vacant piece of land recently, and every night someone keeps depositing soil on the land. I still can't figure out who it is. The plot thickens.
Iran is 3 billion dollars short of hiding a Nuclear program What can they do to get the money?
Clean Jokes... ...Are hard to cum by.
Maybe she's born with it... maybe it was a sex change.
If I was a doctor, every now and again I'd eat a giant burrito then give myself a sonogram.
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else it'd be called a teethbrush.
Why do blondes have such large belly-buttons Their boyfriends are also blonde.
I told my dad about the school shooting today I don't know why he got so worked up over picture day
good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude's blood/bones
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick.
Two snowmen are standing in a snowy field... And after 3 hours of complete silence, one turns to the other and asks "Can you smell carrots?"
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elifino  \ _()_/ 
Earrings Why do chicks wear those big, jangly earrings? ... ... Stirrups
Why were the bakers hands brown? He kneaded a poo
Did you hear about Trump getting Pink Floyd back together? Only problem is, he's gonna make them pay for every brick in the wall.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up a girls ass.
why was the SJW angry at apple because it wasn't PC.
A doctor tells his patient he has to stop masturbating... probably NSFW "Why?" the man asked. "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac? He had a bad experience with windows.
Do the followers in England read my tweets in an English accent? Because I write them in a Jamaican accent..so that must be weird..mon
Some people think that the way to a Mans Heart is through his Stomach... ...I think they're aiming a little high.
So an Irishman walks out of bar... Haha no he didn't
I just burned 1,500 calories! I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Pac-Man Amiibo "This is the worst buttplug ever! Why is it yellow?" "Hey, has anyone seen my Pac-Man amiibo?" "OOOPS"
Did you hear about the man who spent his whole life trying to perfect cloning technology? When it finally happened, he was beside himself.
Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he's homeless.
What is the difference between a wife and a parasite? At least a parasite won't leave you for someone else after sucking everything out of you.
The Republican Presidential Candidates
my nana and bb8 i recently got the sphero bb8 and my nana asked 'what is that' 'its bb8' 'who?' 'a robot from star wars' 'oh, so is there a mouse in side it?'
Why did the can crusher hate his job? Because it was soda pressing
Why does Shang Tsung always enjoy a religious song from Finland? Because it's a Finnish hymn.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
What do the weather man and every other man have in common? They say it's going to be 10 inches, then end up only being 4 to 6.
Why did the Irish Football manager flood the pitch ? So he could bring his 'sub' on
Why do black people have white palms? Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.
When I die I want everyone.. ..... come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back and not say a word, so everyone will think I lived a cool double life.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It's ok, found another one.
As an Asian male, I'm offended by the stereotype that we're bad drivers and have small penises. I am an excellent driver.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone's mouth while they're talking?
Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't "Goodnight" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I went to go see the Vagina Monologues... I went to go see the Vagina Monologues/And all I got was a yeast infection.
Friend: Hey dude can you please help me out?  Me: Yeah, over there mate same way that you came in.
My appointment at Gamblers Anonymous is at 25 to 1...
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
The barman said, "We don't serve particles faster than light." A tachyon walked into the bar.
What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb? You can unscrew the light bulb. - Steve Martin, "My Blue Heaven"
Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.
What do you call a guy with two marijuanas? Double jointed.
Hey baby, there's a party in my pants. And urine.. ...Vited.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
"And He was buried and He rose again on the third day and on the fourth day He bought a shitload of Peeps for half price." 1 Walgreens 15:4
What begins with P ends with E and has thousands of letters? The Post Office
Your mom is so ugly... ... That she committed suicide and the devil sent her right back.
What do you call it when you punch someone with an avocado? Guacamelee
What happens when you inject human DNA into a goat? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner "How dare you serve me this! There's a damn TWIG in my soup!" "My apologies" said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."
"What is your greatest strength"? Brevity.
Shout-out to my grandma Because that's the only way she can hear me.
Pet Shopping Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "fuck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[adrift at sea] CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
How does a Muslim get a hot date? He puts it in the microwave. EDIT: Looks like you guys are real dim....
What did my wife say to me? I want a divorce
What happens to the chicken who decided to cross the highway Chicken decided to cross the highway for excitement It was fun in the beginning but eventually it got **tired**
"Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club." -Actually this is Oxymoron Club. "Ok, same difference." *looks at group* -Oh, this guy is good.
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn? Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
My uncle died from a turtle stampede. It was a slow death.
Pet skunk A buddy of mine has a pet skunk. Sleeps with him and his wife in their bed. I asked about the smell and he said the skunk got used to it, same as he did.
Why did President Kennedy never get drunk? He wasn't very good at taking shots.
Sometimes I'm playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
A girl say to her boyfriend "we need to talk....I'm pegnant"..... The boyfriend replies "Hi Pregnant! I'm Dad!"
My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik's cube.
If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe it's because you haven't been introduced to yourself!
America was declared the country with most busty people. In the both genders category.
I know a man who came way too far. You could say, his biggest short coming was his long coming.
What's the difference between a redwood and a dead baby? A redwood won't fit in a wood chipper.
What did the plant say to the vegan? Leaf me alone.
A lizard that can't walk: From what is it suffering? Reptile Dysfunction
I really like being a trophy husband. I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.
How many men does it take to get an Amish woman pregnant? Two men a nite.
It's 2011. If you're still using a payphone, you probably deserve to be negotiating some sort of ransom.
I made eye contact with a British boy today and quietly asked "Are you Harry Potter?" and he and his Mother did NOT think it was funny.
I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job. Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.
I whispered to the wind, and the wind told me to shut up.
Did you hear about the jeans manufacturing company that changed their product to pants made from one piece of fabric? They made a seamless transition.
Scottish boy asks his dad about Islam Son: "Ey dad, what is Islam?" Dad: "Oh, well Sunni, it's a Shiite religion"
Women are good for 70 things Cooking and 69
[Lab] Co-worker: "Where's all the microscope oil and acetic acid?" Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
How is toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise alike? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
I'm so petty People call me Tom
Somewhere in the world, a woman gives birth once a minute. It must suck to be her.
Rock stars &amp; earrings Rock stars are known for having multiple earrings or crazy piercings, but no one has topped Kurt Cobain, who went so far as to put a 12 gauge in his mouth.
Being single is like a vacuum cleaner: its sucks when you're turned on
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you? Me: *accidentally barks*
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
Hey Russell Wilson! You wanna win another Super Bowl?! Nah, I'll pass.
Why were there only 3,000 Mexicans at The Alamo? They only had 4 cars.
This Joke made me burst out laughing at work, but then I was sad... A baby seal walks into a club...
A baseball player was hit in the head with a line drive yesterday... today he's more open-minded
My computer is going very very ... FAST. IT Helpdesk joke
Rioters are breaking into antique music stores across the country damn Luters.
What do you call a midget hanging around a crime scene? A little suspect
What do you get when you play a country song backwards? Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...
How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez.
Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish." Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
FYI guys: If a girl plays w/ her hair while talking to u, it means she has an itchy scalp, possibly lice. Stay away, it is very contagious.
Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!
Pete Carrol has kidney stone complications. It should have been removed by surgery.... (wait for it).... But he decided to try to pass it.
Pikachu used thunderbolt... Squirtle fainted.
The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.
Why do you think your report should be on the  net? Because my marks are all 'E's.
Time Magazine lists the 140 best Twitter feeds. Maybe later my fax machine will list the best smartphones.
A man walks in for a blood donation. The nurse asks "Are you sexually active?" The man replies "Wouldn't that be rather awkward with us both sitting here?"
If Kevin Bacon ever killed someone, the best a prosecutor could probably do is convict him of 6th degree murder.
If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they'd test me for steroids.
Why did the elephant eat the candle? He wanted a light snack!
When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a post-apocalyptic demolition derby.
An American spy on Russia has just leaked confidential information regarding their government [deleted]
By and large, most of my girlfriends have been fat lesbians.
Why don't melons marry on a whim? They cantaloupe.
Official Pirate Week! 19/5-25/5 It seems as if we're doing pirates, so we might as well have an official pirate week. Normal jokes are ok, but also lots of Pirate themed ones. Arrrbitrary Piratejokes!
Ugly girls are basically just dudes I'm not allowed to fight.
Why does Oedipus hate to swear? Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
I spent the last hour molding a little man out of Starbursts and now I have to explain to him about death.
Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It's not a bulb it's a globe.
The only reason your girlfriend likes to suck your cock..... .....is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-tea
They don't make forks like they used to. Modern plastic ware makes me miss the good old tines.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of "The Apprentice."
If you need someone who is good at looking into a full fridge and complaining that there's nothing to eat, I'm your Mayor!
Numerators can recover the fastest from break-ups. They're always over it.
My dad called me a fool for taking a job at the penny factory. But the truth is it makes a lot of cents.
How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb? You can hear their brooms tick!
The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.
What's Rihanna's favorite love song? "I can't feel my face when i'm with you"
Why are men typically smarter than women? They come across more things.
What kind of car did Jesus drive? a manual.
What do you get when... ...you cross a religious skeptic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? A person who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is antonym ME: synonym JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example ME: *lips on mic* i-t
What does sex have in common with a savings account? You lose interest once you make a withdrawal
I lost my watch at a party once... Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the guy, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl...not on my watch.
What's the difference between an incomplete riddle?
Dear Cracker Jack: The prizes in your bag aren't prizes anymore. They're tiny pieces of paper that say, "Go fuck yourself."
Why did the hipster burn their tongue? They ate their dinner before it was cool.
How do you make a redditor impatient? loading...
What did the glass of water say to his son who is obsessed with becoming ice? It's just a phase.
Jack & Jill went up the hill, for a bit of privacy. Jill lifted her dress, to Jack's distress there was something there she hadn't confessed
I highly doubt that Monica Lewinsky will support Hillary in 2016. I mean, the last time a Clinton was a president, it left a really bad taste in her mouth.
On Chick-fil-a... Do they realize they're serving cock between buns?
Wife: Can you check the dryer? Me: You put a check in the dryer? Don't you know money laundering is illegal?
Why does "new and improved" always end up "expensive and shitty"?
A man asks his friend, "What would you do if we only had 24 hours before the end of the world?" "I would fuck everything that moves", his friend says. "What would you do?" "I wouldn't move."
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
What has two legs and can't stand up? Half a cat
GF - What's that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Which Nordic country should you never be a part of? Finland. Once you're a citizen, that's it! You're Finnish! It's over.
If your social security number was your cell phone number... what would your number be?
I wish life was like a bad hand of spades No Trumps . . . . . . . . . ...I'll see myself out.
When texting a girl "will you marry me" what's the best emoji to use?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds. 
What do you call a singer who enjoys spicy food? Frank Sriracha
What's Jesus' Favourite gun? A nailgun
Pickup Line! on a scale of 1 to 10, you are a 9 and I'm the 1 you need.
What's the difference between an accordion and an onion? No one cries when you cut up an accordion
What do you call an ant who lives with your great  uncle ? Your great-ant !
Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!
That deli has a reputation for sub-par hoagies, ...but the one I had was exactly average.
Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains.
What is the best part about taking a shower? Not being able to see yourself in the mirror afterward.
Hey guys. I think I've found Liam Neeson in these toilets. Shhh listen, every time I bash on the door he yells, "This one's Taken 2."
Life Advice Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
My dad's a superhero He's the invisible man. Edit: Wow! This is my most upvoted post. Thanks for the love strangers!
If you don't let me in the bathroom, I can't guarantee your safety when you pee. ~dogs, apparently
My mom says I look just like my father. It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman.
Accidental Seafood I tried dolphin once...but not on porpoise.
There should be only one World's Greatest Dad shirt. And you should have to kill the previous owner to wear it.
Everyone knows she can't get pregnant if she's on top. It's called gravity, stupid.
2016 Election Honestly hurricane Matthew should run for president because I think he left the biggest mark on the country
If a guy lives in a Spanish speaking country. And has last name is Rita. He would be Senor Rita.
Have I told you lately... ...is the least romantic line a toll-collector ever said to his girlfriend.
After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, "you'll need your receipt." I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life...
I'm reading the newspaper with a vengeance. This time it's personals.
My wife keeps telling me I shouldn't pee in the bath Or if I really have to, I should at least wait till she gets out.
I like the term "making a name for yourself" It implies your parents were wrong.
My girlfriend said she needed time and distance... So I slapped her with velocity.
a romantic scene where we're running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog
- What's your cell phone? - iPhone. - No, I meant the number. - It's a 6. - No, to contact you. - I don't use it for that.
A Hindu candle company has released a "Nirvana" scented candle. It smells like teen spirit.
When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.
Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!
Would I care for a free sample? Raise your own samples lady, should have thought about that before you made them.
How do Russians put windows in? Putin Windows duh.
Why did the boy peek down the toilet bowl? He was trying to find Winnie the Pooh.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Comas make a big difference in your sentences. For example, -Ben is in a hurry -Ben is in a coma
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints.
Why is it a bad idea to hunt the US national bird? It's ill-eagle
How many dull people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
What's the one thing make a wish foundation can't give you? The cure
If time means money... ...then an ATM is **A** **T**ime **M**achine.
My Somalian friend asked me the other day... If I had ever tried Somalian food. "No, I've never had any," I said. "That's all right," he said, "neither have Somalians."
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out "NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE"
Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?! Me: Because my desk is too heavy.
The only 'B' word you should ever call a woman is Beautiful..... Bitches love being called beautiful!
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of paws and the other has a pause at the end of clause
Broke Up with my girlfriend today It's now shattered, so we'll watch something else tonight
My girlfriend says she's my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing
What's the first thing you know? Old Jed's a millionaire.
Hot singles in your area are looking for an air conditioned indoor court to practice on before their match.
How does a Jewish man make coffee? Hebrews it
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper - maybe be a problem solver
My exercising equipment has a hobby It collects dust
Why did the roman only smoke 490 blunts and not 500? Because XD
What is a hipster's favorite candy? Rolos.
Amoeba: dad, how was I made? Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
If I were to have an affair I'd make sure to have a signed prehumptial agreement.
Before you decide to become an atheist try dipping an Oreo in Nutella once
It's Thanksgiving! Who doesn't like Turkey? Russia.
Why do we call them the Smoky Mountains? Because the moonshiners got there before the cartographers!
a man walks into a library drunk and says can i have a fish and chips please the woman says sir this is a library and then whispers can i have a fish and chips please
What do you call a self proclaimed straight woman? A liar
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? (Gagging noise) My all time favorite joke.
My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.
Man comes home early and catches his wife in bed with another man. husband says "What the hell is going on here?" Wife turns to the man and says "Told you he was stupid."
i once had a beautiful wife, she was always the prettiest when she was asleep. Unfortunately she died after i gave her too many sleeping pills.
what is american soup made from? laughing stock
What is a neckbeard's favorite type of wood? m'hogany
What do you call a Star wars fan in an attic? Annakin Frank
I've never held a baby before "It'll be fine" *I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My girlfriend called me a pedophile... Such a big word for a six year old.
Do I feel like crying? HELL YES LET'S DO THIS 'THE FAULT IN OUR STARS'
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver's seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
How many Mexicans does it take to... ...Oh shit, they're done
My friend owns a popular graveyard People are dying to get in.
I just heard my friend suffocated working at a nescafe factory. I was worried he suffered but luckily, it was instant.
What did the Peruvian defense lawyer say to the Peruvian prosecutor? Peruve it!
Charlie Sheen recently came out of the clinic That's what happens when you share tigers with Siegfried and Roy
*cops finds my loose floorboard* Cop: What's under here... *they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets* Me: I'd like my lawyer now.
My friend's grandpa who was suffering from Alzheimer's passed away recently He forgot he was alive
Jim: Tim, see if the indicator lights are working... Tim: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...
"When you exit the bus please be sure to lower your head and watch your step." "If you miss your step and hit your head please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
What did Cindarella do when she got to the ball? Gagged
16 sodium atoms walks into a bar.... followed by Batman.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there's a TV over your head.
I wonder if nails ever get tired of being hit on.
An Irish man walks out of a bar...
What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion? A corpse.
What do you call a band that comes out with a new song 12 times a year? Monthford and Son
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
You do a lot of yoga? "Yeah" So you must be really...(winks) annoying
Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.
People on Death row probably don't think it's funny when the President pardons the turkeys for Thanksgiving.
How do skeletons kiss? They don't. Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on How to live life to the full with a 2 inch penis'. The librarian says, "That ones just in."
Is it hard to get a degree in hocking loogies? Well, it's snot rocket science.
Hubs: " Few glasses of wine tonight hun"? Me: " Yeah, I had a glass of red" Hubs : " Just one eh" Me: " Well I use the same glass"
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Frederick W. Smith created a company because he needed money to pay maintenance to his ex wife. He called it Fed*Ex*.
My iPhone corrects "WHOA" to "WHOSE", which just made my text response to "I JUST HAD A BABY!!!" a little awkward.
What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I'm 89% certain I'm technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90's early 2000's cause I left for beer and never came back
Did you know Hellen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.
California Earthquake Today there was a 4.8 magnitude earthquake reported in California. Taylor Swift was quoted as saying "Shake it, shake it off".
Hillary sucks But not like Monica
Why did the Jedi take his MIDI controller into the pool. He wanted to increase his MIDI chlorine count?
What do you say about a pig who acquires a lot of cash? He's making bankon.
What do you call an Alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Geometry is like Jersey Shore Allways tanning, sinning, and consigning contracts.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. Which makes me an eighth theist.
An Irish man walks into a bar. .
You know how to do gypsy triathlon? You walk to the pool, don't swim, and then ride home on a brand new bike.
Me: so I'm delusional? Doctor: yes. Me: and you're a delusion? Doctor: yes. Me: I want a second opinion. Pink Dragon: you're delusional.
Why did Santa divorce Mrs Clause? because he only came once a year
My ex-girlfriend weighed 85 pounds But that's about average considering she's 9
Threesome? No thanks If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.
Do women know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
What did the Mexican say with one sleeve rolled up and one sleeve not? Not even, homes
My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.
[talking to mcdonalds cashier] which burger has the most acai berry vitamins and superfood antioxidants?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon? Jesus: I'll have........ (snickering) a water
Blackpeoplemeet.com is racist. What about Asians and Hispanics? What they really need is Nonwhitepeoplemeet.com
I always wanted to see Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up They'd be great alloys.
Did you hear about the guy who died while digging a hole for a coffin? It was a grave excavation.
If you want to hear a very interesting story: send an SMS to your wife with the following text in the body: "I know everything"
I am woman, hear me ignore.
As the programmer was going to the store his wife called out We need a quart of milk and if they have eggs bring me back a dozen. He returns with 3 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell
"Dumb as a bag of hammers" is kind of a stupid comparison because it's actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
You know the vagina of a fish? It's a fish hole.
My friend Richard is protesting against the unjust treatment of Gorillas Dick's out for Harambe.
What is a orphans biggest dilemma when it comes to cooking? Making a homemade meal.
I was going to make a joke about salt ,but then i thought . . . Na
Doctor how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up!
I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now. It's really pissing me off. It asks me, "Where do you want to go?" So I click on the 'Home' icon and it starts all over again.
Just found out my friend's wife is pregnant They say they don't know the sex, but I am fairly certain it wasn't anal
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
Jewish joke! What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza won't scream when you put it in the oven.
Funny that when some people go out for 'fresh air', they come back in smelling like 'weed'
[Google Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.
Doctors to Patients The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea." The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."
Why so the French line their streets with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade
Hey, do you like Duck Hunt? What are you, a lesbian duck?
I wish i could Google anything. I'd type: "where da fuck iz my phone?" and it'd be like: "in da fridge dumbass."
What do you call assistants that help citrus fruit? Lemonade.
What don't you ever wanna call a black person that begins with the letter n. And ends with the letter r? Neighbor
how many kids with A.D.D does it take to screw in a light bulb? let's go ride bikes.
If you don't wear a seatbelt while on a plane, you might hit the seat in front of you when it smashes into the ground at terminal velocity.
Liver Doctor: You are in trouble, your liver is enlarged Patient: Does that mean I have more space for whisky now?
What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic  Satanist? A: He sold his soul to Santa.
What did they say when Jett passed out drunk at a party? Jett crashed.
What do you call the gap between a pair of fake boobs? Silicone Valley. edit: spelling
If you are having trouble getting your posts banned from r/science "Deal with it"
What do you call a banker who is also a skilled fisherman? A loanely master-baiter.
M'lady, What is the most beautiful thing in the world? Is it your right thigh, or your left? Or does the answer lie somewhere in the middle?
What's a neckbeard's favorite spread? Marm'lady
You can make fun of Kim and Kanye's kid all you want... But that kid is going nowhere but up... And slightly to the left.
Here, take my advice. It's not like I'm using it...
Why can you only ran through a campground and not run? Because it's past tents.
Apparently, the words "I'd still hit it" are words best kept to yourself at a funeral
3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are... One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.
What do you call a corn cob on a track team? A maize runner. Credit goes to my girlfriend.
I banged my co-worker... Guess my Dad was right, I am a little shit eater.
I wish I had the confidence to just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.
Fun Fact: If someone's car alarm keeps going off, you're legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Whats brown and sticky? A stick
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
What would batman do if he wasn't rich? He would be robin.
If you could choose between having a girlfriend and owning the new playstation what would be your first game?
Are you an arson and a musician? WOOOOOOOAAHHHHHooOOO, YOUR SAX IS ON FIRE!
I'm making a list of reasons to move to Switzerland The flag is a big plus
What do Monica Lewinsky and the New York Giants have in common? They were both terrorized by Clinton Dix, Ha Ha.
I'm in a band named 999 megabytes We still haven't got a gig yet
Googled 'how to start a fire' got 10000 matches
Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be "the dirty guy" and no one will have sex with you
"Daddy, how do stars die?" "Why do you ask, Sun?"
So I was dating a girl who had a lazy eye It would have worked out, but it turns out she was seeing someone on the side
How does Moses make Coffee? Hebrews it.
Why do rednecks make the best sandwiches? Because they are in bread.
What's the definition of 6.9? 69 interrupted by a period.
I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.
You know what's a load of crap? Anal sex
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
Me: Here you go. Her: WTF? Me: It's the genital mold you wanted. Her: I said gelatin mold! Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Japan's soccer team
My girlfriend used to smoke regularly. Then i slowed down and started using lube.
What does Harry Potter call his penis? His Magic Johnson.
What did Tom hanks do in the woods? He took a forrest dump.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The other day i tried to grab the fog... I mist
Did you hear the one about the umbrella in the trench coat and sunglasses? He was looking shady.
Want to hear the world's best knock knock joke? Okay. You start.
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ? He liked to chop and change !
why are narwhals so sexually attracted to everything? because they are horny
A guy goes to get a physical... The doctor says "Sir, you have to stop masturbating." "Why?" "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
This week a team at NASA announced a mission to land a probe on the sun To avoid the extreme heat of the sun, they explained, the probe will land at night.
When you get a bladder infection... Urine trouble.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, a hipster will buy the soundtrack.
What's the difference between a pizza and a baby? A pizza doesn't scream when you break it in 8.
I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.
I think deja vu is bullshit and this isn't the first time I've thought that.
One ovary was talking to another ovary.... Left Ovary: "Better watch out!" Right Ovary: "Why?" Left Ovary: "There's two nuts out there trying to cram an organ in here."
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a Lickalottapus
My kid told me an "old dead girl" lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I'm never going in there again.
Can you run a bath when you have the runs? ... only if you have enough.
Nothing's louder than a quiet bathroom.
A: "What is the integral of 1/cabin?" B: "Log cabin!" A: "Nope, Houseboat. You forgot the C."
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Probably one, but I can easily pay two to get the job done together at the same price I'd pay any other repair man.
Why did the blind girl fall in the well? She couldn't see that well.
How do you keep an idiot busy? You tell a joke on Reddit
I'm going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It's called "Jehovah's Fitness"
If you rape a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting
I don't know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? All of them.
I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist's office... Because I'm like, "Hey, you're crazy too? Cool."
why did the Marty Mcfly cross the road... Because nobody calls him chicken!
So I was in the movie theatre... and I was watching an incredibly sad film. So sad that the man behind me started wailing, then he hit me in the head with a harpoon.
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned  and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen."
Also, kids? Don't DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don't work like that. & we're not that dumb.
First comes the engagement ring... then the wedding ring... and then finally suffering..
If you're already in the cop car, I really can't see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Q: What kind of snake is it good to have on a car? A: Windshield vipers.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an  office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
I'm an 'adult', so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn't know was there...
Why did the women cross the road? Well thats  not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!
I love the new Upvote noise Reddit made... Thank you.
Started with the tips of my fingers.. We got more into it, my fingers got deeper. She says "babe take off your ring its hurting me", I respond "you mean my watch?"
I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back. It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.
*lost in China* Friend: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sen F: well? Me: we're in China
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning... That's the last time I fall asleep with my mouth open
*turns TV off* "THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!" - me every time I watch Toy Story 3
What do you call 9 idiots who laugh at repetitive joke? 9gag
why did they bury liberace face down? so his friends could stop by for a cold one...
Another pirate joke. What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet...? "Arrrrr?" Nope... you'd think so, but it'd be the "C."
A terrorist walks into a pet store and says "You have 5 minutes to get out of here...I'm going to blow myself up." Tortoise : Dafuq :-/
I made this status nice and short so you can just move onto the next one.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A-flat minor.
Cubs fans last night looked more distraught than Patrick Kane's last blind date.
Just seen the grave of the woman from 'My Fair Lady'. It says "Here lies a Doolittle".
I'm trying to write a racist joke, but... Everything I come up with is borderline offensive.
What kind of bee makes milk? A boobee!
Happy birthday to Jay Leno. Born April 28, 1950. Dies nightly at 11:35 eastern, 10:35 central.
Reporter: To what do you attribute your old age? Old Man: To the fact that I was born in 1890.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake of course!
On my deathbed, I hope to be surrounded by family and friends while I take a few last second glances at Twitter on my iPhone.
[NSFW]Why the Higgs boson is so respected by other particles? He decides who gets some ass.
Why did the dentist divorce the manicurist? She tried to stick her finger in his cavity.
This is what I say to people who are against abortions Don't get an abortion
Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the receptionist a couple of nails and asks... Can you put me up for the night?
what do you call a man who has a rabbit up his bum? Warren
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution? Wife: Yes. Me: We have hard wood floors. Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
"Did you just fall?" "No. I attacked the floor." "Backwards?" "I'm freaking talented!"
How do Southerners get through customs so quickly? They do declare!
My friend just told me he's opening up an underground water storage facility. Oh, three of them, actually. Well, well, well...
How do you tell a good joke on reddit? Wash it up over and over again until you get gold!
the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like "what should i call this thing that spatulas?"
My uncle used to sell cheap inflatable dolls They always went down on the customer.
Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.
How do you keep a Turkey in suspense? I'll tell you later.
If I watch a meteor shower Does it feel violated? (x-post shittyaskscience)
What do you get when you cross a gay man and a Jew? A hit Broadway show!
People always ask me why I procrastinate.. They say, "you know, the early bird gets the worm." I just respond, "yes, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."
My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper. It was a Cardi Yak arrest.
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.
*stands on a curb next to a stranger* What if i was this tall
Did you hear about the insomniac car-enthusiast conspiracy theorist? He stayed up all night debating whether Porsche did 911.
What did the SMG say to his son when he left for work Bizon
I don't know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure. Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Chris Christies mom told him to run. She didn't mean for president though...
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
What do bostonians call dogs that protect heaven's gates? God dogs
What do you use to cover a herpetarium floor? Reptiles.
Why didn't the sun go to college? He already had 28 billion degrees.
So I dragged off this girl from the bar the other night... She had this cool tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. Damnedest thing, though! When I put my ear to it, I could smell the ocean.
What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street? You need to cul de sac.
Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? A rooster goes cockle-doodle-doo and and a prostitute goes any cock will do
Whats the difference between a Priest and Acne? Acne will wait until you're a teenager to come on your face
Amazon's Prime Day
acording to Jane Eyre... Love is blind
This termite walks into a bar... And says "Where's the bar tender?
a woman deceived me with makeup. she pretended to be a hot girl but she was actually a lizard who stole my emeralds. all of them
What's Whitney Houstons favourite kind of co-ordination? Haaand eeeeeeyeeee
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don't like it, you can always take them Bach
I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday. Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever!
What is Gordon Ramsay's least favourite subreddit? IT'S R/AWW!!
What did Adolf Hitler get his niece for her birthday? An easy bake oven. i don't give two shits if you heard this before or if this is a repost, this is mainly for shits and giggles =)
I had plans to start researching sinkholes But they fell through
I never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig... It's disconcerting.
My girlfriend just broke up with me... ...it's all cool though, she said we could still remain cousins.
What's an educated hole in the wall? A wisecrack.
Why is a cow that he jumps? Because he higher and higher. ^(I translated the joke from Dutch, and yeah it's supposed to not make any sense, it just sounds funny, in Dutch at least. :-$)
What do you call a shitty city? Turd Furgeson
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta] But that means... [cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
If I'm going to have to become a communist... Then so be it.
Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage.
[on the way to the hospital] GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-" Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Youtube Ads Youtube can insta load a commercial but my 2 minute video takes 10 minutes to buffer.
Some people say I'm condescending That means I talk down to people
What's Shia LaBeouf's favorite kind of choral arrangement? DUETS
I suck at video games. I mess up the character's life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.
So, an Irishman walks out of a pub... ... Hey, it could happen!
What did the time traveller do after he ate the last bite of his dinner? He went back 4 seconds.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
An Mexican, African American, and Jew walk into a bar... the bartender says *get the fuck out*.
Yo girl, you must be a butterfly 'Cuz I feel like I wanna mount you.
What type of bees produce milk? Boo-bees!
At Walgreens I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around and looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52".
Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria. She said that she needed to be Frank with me.
I just flew in from Cleveland And boy are my arms tired.
I put my pants on like everyone else... As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.
You know how you can tell that your wife is a slob? When you go to piss in the sink and it's still full of dirty dishes
Why is 'secret' such a popular password on Brazzers? You can type it with one hand.
The day Facebook adds an option that you can like that someone liked something, I quit the internet forever.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? I don't know. He still hasn't opened his gifts.
"The Spoon" Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. . Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
What do a teenage boy and a dog have in common? They both want to bury their bone.
You can't have your status and like it too.
Give me your best joke get me and my work laughing
Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other
The neighbor's daughter is 16 years old. At least, she said she was. How much trouble are you in?
My girlfriend doesn't want to drop acid with me. She's acting like a basic bitch.
Director: so, you'll be playing this regular guy... Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal? Because he ate his ant for dinner!
Why didn't the Mexican go now hunting? Because he didn't habanero.
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." - The worst surgeon in the world
One pirate says to the other, "Ey, you want some grog?" And the other says, "I made tea!"
If I ever get a tummy tuck I'm going to ask the surgeon to make a little pocket below my navel so I'll always have a place for my iPod.
What did the Arab's father say when the teacher told him his son bombed the test? "Thats great!"
How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills? There, their, they're.
I don't understand why the Catholic Church is so against gay pride After all, their central figure was nailed by four Roman guys.
What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal? A keeper
If going down on a guy is a blowjob... (NSFW) and jacking a guy off is a handjob, does that make masturbation an inside job?
If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.
"When someone is mad at you, that's THEIR problem" and other advice from my upcoming book, Where Did All My Friends Go'
What happened to all the pokemon GO jokes? I guess people have made the "switch" to another fad.
How is Hillary Clinton and a high class prostitute different? Rich people pay the prostitute to fuck them, they pay Hillary Clinton to fuck everyone else.
Me: Happy Easter! Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It's all a lie! Me: The Jesus thing? Taylor Swift: Ya... Men don't come back after 3 Days!
Yea, in life Jesus was a great man... ...but it was only when he was nailed to the cross that he became holy.
Two rednecks are sitting on a porch... ...watching a dog licking itself. One redneck says to the other, "Boy, don't you wish you could do that?" The other replies, "That dog'd bite yooouuu!"
Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops? Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.
Why was the fish swimming backwards? It didn't want to get water in its eyes.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was too chicken!
Why don't black people know how to swim Because nobody jumped off the ship
Tried to unlock my door with a banana. How am I still alive?
What happens when you sprinkle feathers on molasses and sell it? Treacle down economics.
Women can be sexist too It's just that men are better at it like everything else.
Biggest joke on the planet. Real Madrid
You will never ever EVER get all the sand out of a suitcase you bring on vacation. EVER.
Never try to annoy someone with bird puns Because toucan play at that game.
What do you call the hash marks on your headboard? Your tally skeet.
This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.
Do you know why scuba divers roll backwards off boats? Because if they rolled forward they would just go into the boat
Today I rented a prostitute... It was whore-ible
Why couldn't the bike stand up? It was two tired
Today is a military command: March Fourth!
My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues... I'll show him.
A little ad suggestion for durex We contain your orgasms! Literally.
It's Thanksgiving today. Long story short it's where Americans give thanks to the English for inventing them. You're welcome.
TIL: Every ship is equipped to be a minesweeper at least once
What do you call a Spanish baker? A con-quiche-ador
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to truly want to change.
What happened when a deadly rattle snake bit a witch ? He died in agony !
I've always had trouble with school, but at least I could always make my friends laugh. I'm 25% funny and 85% bad at math.
TV repair man...
I used to think that Banana Republic was actually a government run by bananas
So I finally got around to watching the Twin Tower attacks. 9/11 would watch again.
I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight? Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
Signs And Notices
Cruz picked Fiorina as his running mate. She probably gives better head than Kasich.
How is Islam like a GPS? You may think you're on the right path, but if you follow it literally, you'll end up crashing into a building.
I like my women the way I like my beer Ginger
Why don't pedophiles win marathons? They're always coming in a little behind..
When I was a kid I had an Arab friend Mabe Al-zuq Yadeeq
A man walked into a bar... ...and stayed there my entire childhood.
How dare room service question "how many people" I need 8 mimosas for 
"You're free now" I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Tasteless Stephen King Joke When Rachel Creed came back from the dead, Louis killed her with a 12 Gage.
Where do famous snakes go? Down in hisssstory!
I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
Hey do you mind if I play your street fighter game? SHORYUKEN!
What state did the programmer start her road trip in? Maine
Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.
What do you call a Pirate who lost his anchor? "can't anchor us" /bow.. this is as clever as i get, people.. so sorry.
what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts? One of them's already full of holes before the cops see them.
I heard /r/Jokes likes pizza jokes.. Nevermind, it's too cheesy.
So there are the baby boomers, generation x, and millenials. What do we call the next generation? Fucked.
Why is England so special? Only they can pull out of Europe twice in a week.
Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake
Dear President of Mexico, DO NOT fall for Trump's old trick where he mumbles "guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?" and you say "What?"
What do you call a stallion that's had its balls chopped off? A eunuch-orn
When do vampires bite you? On Wincedays.
Why don't black people like pirates? they pronounce everything with a hard "aargh"
Where's the biggest shopping center in Europe? Malldova
Saw a documentary on rim-jobs last night. It was very tongue-in-cheek.
Childish immature jokes are the best * Step 1: say "eye" * Step 2: spell the word "map" * Step 3: say "nus" * Now say that all together...
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Roses... Roses are red My name is not Dave This makes no sense Microwave *Drops Mic*
I remember directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene... Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing that theatre needs, others that I ruined the nativity.
Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and *lonely face*
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? Porcupines have pricks on the outside
what's your favorite part of Sundays, mine is staying up really late for no reason whatsoever so that I'm extra miserable all week
Teach a man joke Light a fire for a man, and he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.
I have 7 legs, 5 eyes, and 9 arms. What am I? A liar
FRIEND: What's your type? ME: In guys or in blood?
What do you call Sherlock Holmes with no shit? No shit sherlock
When holding my baby neice My Uncle gave me the advice of "Careful not to drop her, we dont want her to end up like you."
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week.
She was only a moonshiner's daughter But I loved her still.
People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?
Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was "pulling me over" You need a ride! Duh
Told to me today by a random toddler Her: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Banana Banana who? Aren't you glad I didn't say orange? Best telling of that joke ever.
Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that's ever served me... With just the tip.
What type of fossil fuel likes to tell dick jokes? Crude Oil
Your computer science teaching momma is so fat... ... she can flatten a binary tree in O(1).
What connects The Sixth Sense and Titanic? Icy dead people.
A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the "wrong person," which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.
If blind people wear sunglasses Shouldn't deaf people wear earmuffs?
DJ Khaled is at a bar... *He has already had 10 shots* The bartender asks him if he's done or not... DJ Khaled says,"Nope I'll have Another One."
Nipples are so helpful and thoughtful with the whole 'tell everyone how cold I am' thing.
Omg I'm so thirsty- *Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH *Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE
Why is a banana the most attractive fruit? Everyone finds it a-peeling.
I watched two gay guys put up a tent today.... ...that was a camp sight.
Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It's only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head Me: that's a really great, floppy little head you've got there. Well done
I've lost interest in dating I decided to tell my therapist that archaeology just wasn't my thing anymore.
Chili today, Hot tamale.
Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
At the men's bathroom of the local college... ... above the toilet paper dispenser was a piece of graffiti: "Liberal Arts Degrees. Take One."
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? Pshh....white girls don't know how to screw.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Roadkill Barbie ...unrecognizable
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a pedophile? alien vs predator
What do you call a slice of bread from another country? An immigraint.
What's black and white, and red all over. And cant fit through a revolving door? A nun with a javelin through her.
How did Freddie Mercury do in school? He got straight "gays"
If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns... go for the Juggler
Why do onions have poor self-image? Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What do you call a Mexican drowning in a vat of cheese? Nacho problem.
A man works hard to name an interval equal to 24 hours. so he calls it a day.
(NSFW) What did God say when he walked in on his son masturbating? "Jesus fucking Christ!" I'll see myself out.
I wanna get Transitions Lens LASIK surgery, so that when I'm out in the sun my eyes go black and children will run away from me.
What's the difference between President Obama and a bucket of shit? The shit's in a bucket ! *that redneck spit noise followed by a ting*
Why are your kids like drugs? Because the law says you shouldn't do them, but it feels *sooooo* good - until you wake up the next day and just want to flat-out kill yourself.
What do you call an expensive circumcision? A bloody rip-off
I dated a midget, but I had to break up with her. She was always sticking her nose in my business.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? The C.
After watching how stressful it was for Clark Kent's dad, I don't know if I could adopt a kid from a blown-up planet.
#wordsofwisdom If it says, 'Do not try this at home' - go and visit a friend.
Pinterest could've been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn't be a single cat lady left.
How is evolution and a Union construction job similar? They take so long that some people don't believe they don't work.
if anyone has reason for these two not to wed, speak now or forever hold y- [brides dad stands up] "SHE BRUSHES HER TEETH WITH HOT WATER"
Life is like a roller coaster... The easiest part is the beginning, the rest is a non-stop pain in the ass.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line.
What was the name of Tom Sawyer's fish? Huckleberry Fin!
A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years ;)
What do you say when you see your television floating in the night? Drop it, nigga! What do you say when you see your refrigerator floating in the night? Nothing. That's a big-ass nigga.
You can't run through a camping ground. You can only *ran* because it's past tents.
Did you hear that the Jim Henson company is making a show about meth-cooking? They're calling it Borking Bad.
Why do hunters make good lovers? 1. They always go deep in the bush. 2. They shoot often. 3. They always eat what they shoot.
What's special about twin fruit molesters? They always cum in pears.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Why should you never order the eggs while in France? Because they are always uf.
Why is it not a good idea to send cats to Mars? Because Curiosity would kill them!
Apparently the Royal Family is running out of money. They're down to just 26.5 million ...Which is what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.
Why are notes natural leaders? Because while a note makes a sound, the rest is silent.
Confucius say Man high on sex use cherry picker
What's the difference between a porcupine and a ferrari? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Think I will wear my SUPER BITCH cape today
"Hello darkness my old friend..." Darkness: "I have a boyfriend..."
You know, I really didn't like my new haircut... But then it grew on me.
A robber runs out of a store with a stolen TV. The blonde cashier runs after him yelling, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
i love when people apologize to me about their rooms being dirty I'm just like lmao u should see my life
Heading down to the Autopsy Club later. It's open Mike night.
What would my hippie side be doing right now? I already know that
What do you call two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard? Pillow fight
[NSFW] What do you get when you fuck a dead person in the ass? Cold cumfart
Some might say I peed my pants. I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am. #bt140
I'd tell a chemestry joke but I'm afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.
What is recursion? [What is recursion?](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/211omr/what_is_recursion/)
Setting someone on fire is a very heartwarming gesture.
The Hotness Scale I went out on a date with a chick the other night. Looks-wise, she was a five, but with her low self esteem, she was a solid seven.
I saw a beaver build something before it set on fire, Hot dam.
What did one poop say to the other poop? You smell
"Ameh." ~ Atheists at the end of a prayer
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry  ? A hoppercraft !
My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film" So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."
How do you hide from imminent retribution? Karmaflage!
Lately I've started telling tree jokes. I think it's time to branch out.
The oldest joke in the world: "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?" You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.
"The doctor can see you now." - a nurse, after removing the doctor's blindfold.
How do you know your sister is on her period Your dads cock tastes funny.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Have you heard the one about the midget fortune teller that robbed a McDonalds? The papers the next day read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE"
What smells like pork? Kermits finger
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? A: Paddy O'Furniture!
Being a penis is rough Your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up!
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog guy? Make me one with everything.
Umm Adele, have you tried texting?
My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fish
I don't enjoy winning against The God of Thunder... He is always a Thor loser.
What does Colonel Mustard's Mexican maid call him? *(Phonetically-ish)* Mis'ser Dijon.
My cat was looking for a place to sleep today, all she kneaded was my lap.
Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but "helper monkeys" Me: *lowers hand*
Are you reading this from a toilet? I'm writing this from one.
Can a blonde solve a math problem? (WARNING: math joke) The odds are, they can't even
Invitations: $10 Cupcakes: $15 Facility rental: $100 Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless Math of a mother
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My neighbors listen to good music If they like it or not
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.
Batman Daughter ask; BD - What is puberty? B- Do you bleed? BD - ... B - You Will
Did you hear about the girl with the boobs on her back? She was hell to look at but nice to dance with.
My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.
People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen
How too make a redditor gets mad. Oh is easy. All you need are too fuck you're English.
Someone calls 911... Man : Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Man : Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Man : The ugly one is winning.
Knock knock Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? (punchline in comments)
The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
What do you call a french racist? A beget!
How do inmates pay for things in prison? With ConCurrency, of course.
A calculus joke... Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin? Person 2: A log cabin! Person 1: No, a houseboat. You forgot to add the C!!
The three different types of rooster What does a rooster say? Cock-a-doodle-doo What does a crazy rooster say? Doodle-doodle-cock What does a Gay rooster say? Any-cockle-do
Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
What do you get when you throw a grenade into a french kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party] me: "how did we both fit in this lmao"
Why did the Mexican take Xanax? To control Hispanic attacks
My son just said he likes 'the booty'. So now I have to convince his mom that the Cinemax show he watched with me was about pirates.
The jury found me guilty. I asked the judge what the punishment would be, and he said: "Well..." Suspended sentence
You ever hear of Randy the Brown Nosed Reindeer? He was as quick as Rudolph but couldn't stop as fast.
Why did the little girl eat her money for lunch? Because her mom gave her money for lunch. 8 year old sister told me this joke, gave me a good laugh.
I like my women like I like my pizza... baked and saucy.
Have you heard the joke about Ebola yet? You probably won't get it.
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def leppard
Wife: "I'm tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I'm leaving you." Me: "You'll be back."
Michael Jackson to be recycled
Local sausage restaurant starts a YouTube channel... Links in the description.
I recently learned that the smell of fresh cut grass is the smell plants give if when under duress, and I like that smell... I guess this makes me a sado-*manicurist*
Did you hear about the two fat guys who ran in the marathon? One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts.
Sex. Don't get it? good, you never will.
How does a female deer get revenge on her cheating husband? She goes into town and blows a few bucks!
Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.
I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl.
Why do Jews have a big nose? Because air is free
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Police are on the look out for a Midget Fortuneteller... He is described as a Small Medium at Large.
How do you confuse an idiot? 44
This might be an uncomfortable subject for some... But we need to start talking about Germany's plans to drill for oil in 2940.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Andrew ! Andrew who ? Andrew all her money out of the bank !
Onions are a lot like knives.... If you get them in your eye you'll probably cry
Batteries have a tough life. They're either working or dead.
"Here, let me fuck it up for you." - Every kid ever
All Aboard! by Abel Seamann
me: so did it hurt? her: yes, a lot me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye? her: I SAID YES
Why didn't the child in the secret society get a present for christmas? He had been illumi-naughty
What should you do when a bull charges you? Pay him
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight* MOM: *shouting* use your words! MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
What do you call white people sitting on a bench The nba
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like "ok who did that"
Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but now I turned that around.. Now I'm depressed and miserable
Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes? A prism.
Office assistant is throwing darts at a picture of her boss. Phone rings. It's the boss. Boss: What are you doing right now? Assistant: Missing you.
At the mortuary.. -How do you want to handle your mother in law? Do you want her incinerated, embalmed or buried? -All of them, lets not take any chances
It was so hot in Florida on New Years... ...the ball in Times Square wasn't the only one that dropped.
"Changed the name on my iPhone to titanic. Now when I connect to iTunes it says the...... Titanic is synching"
Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it's short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. :(
My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute
Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else
Me: I'm gonna make a salad Her: I think the lettuce went bad [opens fridge] [lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.
Why did the wave fail the driving test? It kept crashing on the beach.
A couple friends and I are opening a chicken wings restaurant called the "Right Wing Cafe." We don't actually sell any wings, we just complain about other wing places.
I still can't believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone I mean, who TALKS on the phone
At this point, a phone book is just a list of people who recently died in their homes before cancelling their landline.
My own joke that I'm incredibly proud of: What kind of weather do Black Prince tomatoes grow best in? Purple Rain
Why was the broom late? Because it over swept! (Source: Thomas and Friends - Edward the hero)
Why did the jew leave the party early? He had gas.
You know what the hardest thing about rollerblading is? Telling your parents you're gay.
What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student? An essay.
What do you call a chilly office? A cubicicle
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she's never used Chanel 1-4 Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he's back here again
I'm not a Christian... But as a gay man I wouldn't object to being nailed bloody up against some hard wood.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I was going to make a dubstep joke But I'll just drop it.
The smarter the person, the less they tell you about it.
What do you call a fat town Obe-CITY
I went to a space museum, because they where having a prize drawing for a car. I didn't win the car but they gave me a constellation prize.
fire works? buddy all fire works haha just some topical humor here on Twitter Online, where anything can happen
So an Irishman walks out of the bar.
We must be in the bathroom... because uraneight. I literally just made this up, might explain why its so so
What's the difference in a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a Garbanzo bean on my face before.
Women want to be equal to men in every aspect except dating. You all want the same positions in the rest of the world but still expect to be wined and dined. How about steaks and bjs for the guys.
My Grandpa died in a concentration camp.. He fell off of his guard tower..
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I'm socially constipated... I haven't given a shit in years
[Drug deal] How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this? *Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is
How do you get 50 old ladies to yell "fuck"? Have one old lady yell "bingo"
How to tell if a programmer is gay. C : ENTER : ### / Edit: Nifty Code Formatting
Someone called my shirt gay today... True. It just came out of the closet today.
before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do
What is DNA short for? National Dyslexics Association
[quietly] "Always a bridesmaid never the bride" BRIDE: Hey, you're not one of my bridesmaids! "Shhh...this day is about you, not me."
What do you call it when a prayer is answered? A coincidence.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Because they can't change anything.
I don't mean to generalize but you don't really see too many good looking customers coming out of adult book stores
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me. Guard: Oh, we're not electrocuting you... *college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I walked in a Library... I walked in a library and asked the librarian for a book about small penises. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet". I replied "Yeah, that's the one"
Where do you put letters to boys? In a mail (male) box.
Trump: "I'll win the latino vote"
Sitting behind a couple in this theater that's making out. I'm gonna lean forward and whisper "This is nice" in a minute.
how many Snapple Facts do I have to get before it counts as a GED
we're here, we're queer, could we get another basket of breadsticks
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because all men are pigs.
It's alright if we're doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes
If someone who knows several languages is multi-lingual, someone who knows two is bilingual, what is a person who only knows one? Average American
For her birthday, I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
Girlfriend asking her Boyfriend about her looks Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?" Boyfriend: "You're both." Girlfriend: "What do you mean?" Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
I once made a belt out of herbs. It wasn't very useful and just ended up being a waist of thyme.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
What is the only reason Donald Trump watched the Olympics? To see how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump
Went to a bulimic birthday party today... I saw a cake pop out of a girl.
Whats a pirates favorite letter? It be the "C"!
Did you know that a male ejaculates at 27mph? That's why I always get in trouble when I do it in school zones.
Why don't the zebra and the lion like to play cards in the prairie? 'CAUSE THERE'S TOO MANY CHEETAHS!!!
My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."
masturbate.
I asked my cellmate how long he's in for. He said, "Until I ejaculate."
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected
This world is full of folks who refuse to use condoms, but won't do nothin' without a case protectin' their cell phone. Merica.
You know what sucks? Babies
2 apples are sitting in an oven One apple looks to the other and says "Man is it hot in here or what?" The second apple screams "Holy shit!?! A talking apple!"
What instrument do piggys play in a band?  Pigcussion!
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: "Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions."
I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!
A reposter reposted... And he was ashamed of himself.
Some people say I'm apathetic but I don't care what anyone thinks.
.@Starbucks it is 2014 why don't you sell pickles
Did you hear about Donald Trump's porno? It stars Trump himself, a Mexican woman, and a glory hole.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn't noticed... Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
When you mount a gun rack above your desk, it's surprising how many PowerPoint presentations you simply don't have to see.
My gf could be a an NFL running back she will *not* go down.
Why did the blonde have a red sore on her belly button? Because blonde men are idiots too.
My girlfriend and I had sex in her parent's bed. It got really awkward when they woke up.
Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs? Because it's says "No *Tres*passing.
Why do people say love is like chemistry? Because you can put it in someones drink
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Fuck that  knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
I got arrested today for not opening the door for my neighbour.... Apparently it's illegal to keep him locked inside my house
What are the Muppet's views on the paranormal? "It's a phenomena (do doo do doodoo)"
All of the people complaining about Harriet Tubman being on the new $20 bill... Most likely don't see too many $20 bills.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes "wood" with "food."
What do you call a blind German? A nazi.
What's the difference between Jesus and a bunch of Mexicans? Jesus doesn't have a bunch of Mexicans tattooed all over himself.
Wanna hear a joke? Womens' rights
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Why did the man tear a page out of the calendar? He wanted to take a month off.
I just gave up reading a bad book on lock picking couldn't get into it at all.
Hey, did you guys know Vicodin *isn't* like Flinstones chewables, at all.
Why Jewish are one of the most intelligent people in the world? They spent a lot of time in Concentration camps.
Just when you think the celebrity deaths are done for 2016, Wham! there's one more.
I'm excited to announce that I've officially stopped using drugs for fun and solely use them to deal with the unrelenting pain of existence!
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M's for dinner. I was like, "You saw the banana, right?"
Whats the best thing about dating a Cleveland Cavaliers fan? They never expect a ring
Some people call me anti social But i just ignore them and go back to my computer in my room amd lock my door.. .... (Bad jokes 101)
What did the dyslexic traveller say when he arrived at an unknown station? Whoops, wrong sub.
"i am equally happy on the couch watching netflix or at a party with friends" = "the human condition is one of sickness & contradiction"
Q: Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes? A: He wanted to go bear foot.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me. It was a tampede.
How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, we just sit in the dark complaining about capitalism. But come the light-bulb revolution everything will be brighter.
Israel has an Olympic skier in Vancouver which makes me wonder if he thinks it's a shalom competition.
What did the spectator say when the magician transformed Dracula into 2? Miraculous. Edited: tough crowd
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says "Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy"* *undercover cop's fake mustache falls off*
Should America make China the 51st state so we can get better access to Chinese food? I'm so sick and tired of Panda Express.
I hope I don't get bitten by a vampire when I'm old and have to spend eternity as a senior citizen.
My wife told me I should spice things up in the bedroom. So I decided to cumin her mouth.
The "Ooooo" the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.
People who are afraid of pedophiles need to grow up
What did the disappointed paraplegic say? I will not stand for this.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Becoz, its a chicken ... bok bok bawwkkk [insert chicken dance here]
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What's that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
How to be part of a joke? One must simply walk into a bar
What's a bodybuilder's favorite fight of the American Civil War? The Battle of Gaine's Mill
What does a math teacher say when they leave? calc-U-LATER
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? ... you pick him up and suck his dick.
Once while eating bacon I said I was "getting piggy with it" and now I have no friends.
Why was Mohamed Ali born a fighter? In the womb, he used to fight bald clowns. (Self made joke)
Its only the three cats that are still undefeated in the NFL regular season The Bengals, The Panthers, and The Cheetahs!
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 killed the headphone jack with lightning
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
I like how this car asks me if it's safe to move in reverse. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
"I just got engaged!" -- Starship Enterprise
What Do You Call A Sleep Walking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic.
What's an ephebophile? A pedophile with a thesaurus.
I ran 56k today... It took be forever to get to my home page cause dial-up's a bitch.
Whats worse than being adopted Being adopted twice.
What's the cutest part of a house? The awning. I know, I'm sorry.
A woman called and said "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said "Yeah whatever."
I had a Ford Fiesta.... and fed it some adderall and it turned into a Ford Focus
religion? um, ha, no. i'm not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren't usually religious
I'm on a new diet of just Viagra and prune juice... I never know if I'm comin' or goin'.
Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5'9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
A girl just referred to New Kids On The Block as "Classic Rock" & now I understand why the world hates Americans.
Q: What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? A: Spoiled Milk.
Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime
He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.
What is a pedophile's first guitar lesson? How to finger A minor
Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms... But it still lives longer than my headphones.
Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.
Maybe this is just the wine talking, but I'm fermented grapes inside a guy's stomach making him think he really likes you
When German politics go right, they go far right. Right through Poland
I'm at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
Saw these two homeless people making out and was like... ...get a room!
This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I'm lonely
What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.
My girlfriend just told me to get rid of my boner... I couldn't because it's hard.
Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.
I can't see very well in the dark but on the bright side, I see just fine.
What does Dwight Schrute have in common with Greece A bunch of dead beets.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album... ...I'm pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
"hey what's that sqiggly thing on the ground?" "i don't know, it looks kinda like a w or m" -- how the worm got its name
I sustained a serious neck injury a few years ago... ...and I've never looked back.
My Penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records Then the librarian told me to take it out
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
I can no longer slur my words when I say "Transgender"... or else I might say "Transjenner"
Just wondering why Bob Marley denied shooting the deputy but thought admitting he shot the sheriff would be a-okay.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship... Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.
Who was the naughtiest character in Star Wars? R2D2. All of his lines are bleeped out.
How many roads must a man walk? 42.
Women usually love when I compliment them on their youthful appearance. But this lady is obviously upset over comments about her pimples.
Why can't the NSA leaker leave Russia? Because he's Snow'd-in!
There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Teen for rent: Knows everything, does nothing.
I decided to see what it was like to live as a woman. So I sewed all the pockets of my jeans shut. EDIT: Corrected spelling.
A Roman soldier walks into a bar He holds up two fingers and says "I'll have five beers please"
Light Yagami thought he was going to die on those stairs, but then he woke up the next day... And realized it was just a Near-Death experience.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff Bu dum tss.
Why did Ernest Hemingway kill himself? He was paid per word.
Instagram: My life is a party. Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show Facebook: My life turned out great! Twitter: We're all going to die.
I got 99 problems and a bitch is one -JayZ
What's Trump's favorite Olympic sport? Fencing!
I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it. It's called a calculator.
best joke ever.. HL3 confirmed
"As a student the most comforting words you'll ever hear are " I haven't started either"
My friend thinks I'm too indecisive. I'm not sure what to think of that.
Carp we hit an iceberg! What am I herring? This scampi true! Whale I squid you not Oh cod I can't die Waterboat me? You're so shellfish Fin
After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I've decided I need to up my break dancing game.
Last night I went to a bar and someone put a Mira-Lax in my drink Overall, it was a pretty shitty night
What is the fastest cake in the world? scone. 's gone
Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They're wheels.
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants. Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy. Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.
whats the difference between boyscouts and jews? Boyscouts come back from camp.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she? Me: What do you mean? 4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
You know why it is that when a flock of birds fly in a 'V' formation one side is always longer the other? There's more birds on that side.
What do you call a lamppost in Niger? Progress.
How do you advertise a French rifle? Never fired, dropped once.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Because they all have phones!
What does a drowning person looks like lol
What's the difference between a hooker and jesus? The look on their face when you're nailing them.
What's big and round and full of seamen? Your mom
I was gonna cut my hair, but I kind of like it, It's growing on me.
What room is missing from almost every house? a Mushroom
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome... I would have one dollar... thanks mom...
I watched an exciting documentary about rabbit farmers... it was hare-raising.
Did you hear about the carnival fires? They were intense.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: 'I think I want to see other people.' My reply was, 'You better look out the window.'
A Priest, Rapist, Pedophile Walks into a bar He orders a drink..
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools? A Fruit Stand
Really hope autocorrect altered that last text because if not my mom's taking my little brother to a Christian rape concert tonight.
What is a Muslim baby's first word? "Revenge!"
Why is the customer service at the Reddit Restaurant so terrible? Because all of the servers are busy.
I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition. Never opened, only used once
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
They told me I would miss my family. I never miss at close range.
Can't make an important life decision so I'm gonna try and find a wise old black man to impart some wisdom like they do in movies.
Why are black people so tall? Because their Knee Grows! (Told to me buy a black friend so dont be calling me a racist)
Why couldn't Batman go to the movie? Because it was rated "PG"
Even though I'm a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally.
Great idea Journalist: What do you think of western civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a great idea!
What is the collective noun for three dyslexics? A riot.
Great opinion from a stupid girl ! Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Him: Do you want to run away with me? Me: We won't actually be running, right?
A North Korean Gymnast walks into a bar his family is summarily executed.
I've always had a deep connection with mirrors I see a lot of myself in them
What do martial artist love to drink? WATAAA
So, a cannibal walks down the street.... ..... with a handburger.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no "I" in "me."
My friend recently visited London. He said everyone was very polite, except in Greenwich. Whenever he asked someone for the time they got all mean about it.
Take a deep breath. Exhale slowly. - Respirational Tweet
My wife got really angry when I spent a lot of money on a make-your-own perfume kit ...but it made scents to me
What does star trek and toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus looking for Klingons' s
What do you call a fat alien? An extra-cholesterol. ...I'm so sorry.
I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
What do you call it when 2 homosexuals stare into eachother's eyes? A gaze.
Joe Paterno was such a good coach... ...that after he died, he won another 112 games.
GUY #1: You free next week? GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy. GUY #1: You mean diary yeah? *cow walks by with "dentist 11.30" on it*
Joke i heard between 2 airport janitors. A:"where are you going?" B:"to the toilet, where else can one go in an airport?" --- I would like to add that my emotional response was mixed.
What's the best joke you've ever come up with? Here's mine. &gt;What's Pee-wee Herman's favorite dinner? &gt;Stroganoff.
(Dirty) What's good on a pizza but bad on a pussy? A thin layer of crust
You know who is the worst person ever? Yes, Harry, he is.
I'm on a plane and I see my friend Jack. Instinctively I say, "Hi Jack!" Still don't understand why I was detained.
What do you call an army of toddlers? Infant-ry. *insert cringe here*
FIRST MONSTER: I fancy eating the city of Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me? SECOND MONSTER: No thanks I can't stand Chinese food.
I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years.... I don't have 2020 vision.
If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'
A woman I met had 13 children all named David. When I asked her how she calls just one of them, she said, "Oh that's easy; I just call them by their last names."
A police officer with integrity
So today I was setting up a password for an account with my wife, and I put, "Mypenis," as the password, and my wife fell on the ground laughing because on the screen said, "Error. Not long enough."
Wife: Where are you going? Me: I'm wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I'm off to fight crime
"Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?" STEVE: How about a Kasteve? BOB: I have a better idea
I'd get a lot more sleep if I didn't insist on reading the entire internet every night.
A QA Tester walks into a bar.
Arnold Schwarzenegger wakes up on easter morning...
What do zombies with dyslexia eat? Brians.
My grandfather died in a concentration camp... He got really drunk and fell off the guard tower.
Area Man Discovers New Dimension, Becomes Volume Man
A kiss begins with K. But it's also just a text from someone who doesn't want to have a conversation with you.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
What do you call a Mexican on a RIDING lawn mower? Promoted
What is the most common disease for lettuce? Icebergers.
I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..
I really enjoyed reading the Diary of Anne Frank Although I was disappointed it ended rather abruptly
HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list? Me: Nope. HR: Why not? Me: Because I'm not in Kindergarten.
Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.
When will a proper female AI be made? When we invent NANDOR logic gates
What does Verizon wireless and abortion clinics have in common? They both have early termination fees
If I've learned anything from listening to world news, it's that the world is full of countries I've never even heard of. (An American)
Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can! Why can't humans? Because they'll bite us!
Why do 95% of black males like sex in the shower? The other 5% aren't in jail.
Excited to pick up "Anxiety Birds" tomorrow. It's like "Angry Birds," but Jewish.
What is the best thing about 25 year olds? They generally have a college degree and are hard workers.
Bill Gates is donating $10Billion to help children everywhere get vaccinations. ...But you know they're just gonna spend it on booze.
I've found that jogging is much more fun when you never do it.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate pizza before it was cool.
Shania Twain has worn 16 acres of denim during her lifetime
Why is it hard to watch two elephants boxing? Because they've got the same colour trunks.
What do you call a mexican without a car? CAR-LOSE
Son, we don't play Hungry Hungry Hippos for "fun." We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I like my memes the way I like my freudian slips Send dudes
Lobotomy is the solution for all mental illnesses It's a no brainer
Ended a relationship today. Don't worry, it wasn't mine.
Why is it impossible to run through a campground? You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Why did darren willson quickscope michael brown? He was black.
Willie Nelson died today.. Yeah he was playing on the road again..
The Fifa president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who's driving? The police. Not mine: http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/33099881
Finals come around and now you like the library? Name 3 of their songs
How was marriage instituted? A bunch of prostitutes wanted to start a labor union.
Hey Obama, how about, "Everyone Has to Look Like Their Profile Picture in Person" for a campaign slogan?
Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!
1970s: "Hey baby" 1990s: "Hey babe" 2014: "Hey bae" 2020: "Hey b" 2030: "All hail our glorious squirrel overlords"
Today Happy fathers day kids
Why do Asian women have small tits? Because only A's are acceptable.
[hitting a beach ball back and forth with son] *accidentally hits it over his head and into an outdoor concert* "don't bother son, its gone"
"Daddy, how do stars die?" "Drugs, normally."
My friend recently started a career as a hitman... I hear he's making a killing.
The problem majoring in Electrical Engineering... is keeping up with Current Events.
How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1, it's a goddamn electrician, what'd you expect?
How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl-Esh.
What's a 6.9? Another great thing screwed up by a period.
CORDUROY PILLOWS Making headlines
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway there.
Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Just had a moment where I wanted to scroll down to read the comments looking at my bank balance online.
I've never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth
My boyfriend didn't think the joke I made up was funny - what do Jews call Jesus? JEWSUS
Helen Keller walks into a bar And then into a table, and then a chair, and then a door.
I thought it was weird when my boss at the bakery asked me to pack fudge Cause we don't sell fudge.
A website that automatically plays music or needs to "load" is as outdated & terrible as slavery.
Why aren't koalas real bears? Because they don't meet the koalifications!
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
She wanted me to spice things up in bed. But my Jalapenis just burnt her.
I accidentally touched my dogs balls and now I feel awkward around him. We haven't made eye contact in over 4 hours.
The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries
I've got ten texts msgs today asking me for sex tonight. I wouldn't have minded, but I've borrowed my girlfriend's cell phone for the day.
My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.
So I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV I then shouted, "Hey that is mine!" but I then realised that mine was at home polishing my shoes
Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest? The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? "He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
England lost to Iceland in the Euro Cup and got knocked out I guess you could say its the worst thing to happen to them in the past 4 days
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Why did Obama tap Merkel's phone? To hear a smart politician.
What do you call the debut of a new beer? A saison premiere!
Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney.
A muslim walks into a bar No one survived the blast.
I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.
What do you do when you hear a woman got hit by a car? Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen
instagram me like one of your drunk girls
While walking home from the gym... I saw one of my aerospace engineer buddies at Starbucks. He was buried in his work when I walked next to him and asked, "bruh, do you even lift?"
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked? So does Tequila....
I told my wife I was going to the toilet. She said, "Don't forget to spray." Now there's piss everywhere.
How does a Muslim close a door? Islams It.
Pizza joke? Forget it, it's too cheesy
Everything England has accomplished has been bettered by other nations - rugby, cricket and now at football... Even the Russians have better hooligans than us.
Once I came across a bridge that was half concrete and half covered in asphalt It was a real hybridge.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
"Why do Jews hate sex?" "Because the pussy is too close to the gas chamber." Cody Edwards
My therapist said I have multiple personalities and rage issues so we hit him...
These days people treat their cellphones like its a baby... ..except I never laugh when I drop my cellphone
I promise to remain the same grounded, gracious, friend I've always been after winning $7 from Powerball #dreams
Hot Neighbor, you forgot to take your shirt off before mowing the lawn again. Come on. Our imaginary conversation about this was very clear.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to 'gamenight' and she brings Monopoly.
At my soccer game, the referee looked a lot like Edward Snowden... What a whistle blower.
What do you call a half-white and half-Hispanic baby? A baby.
F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs
Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when he saw her knitting? "Gee U Knit!"
What's a pirate's favorite move in chess? Check, matey.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? Ya think it's the R, but it be the C!
Hipsters favorite ocean is Frank Ocean.
Stop calling yourself sexy. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
Nervous systems are so reckless They do everything on *impulse*
Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.
I'm on this new diet where I can eat anything but sugar, bread, meat, fruit, and food
How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? When this gets 700 up votes I'll let you know
What do you call a lock with low self-confidence? Insecure.
Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew? Because one more, and it'd be too farty.
*genie appears* I wish I was rich! GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH ok!wait what? FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
The 4 Kinds of Clickbait Jokes:
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? ... so you don't know?
What is the hardest part to eat in a vegetable? The wheelchair.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn't make you wait an hour.
What's a bulimic person's favorite movie? "The Purge"
I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.
Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.
me: goodnight moon moon: i have a boyfriend
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
What do Nagasaki and Tehran have in common??? Nothing... yet.
Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church? She wanted a high paying missionary position.
Why did the bass player miss his second lesson? He had a gig that night.
You haven't experienced awkwardness and felt like a complete idiot until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
I think I'm a superhero, but I don't even remember being bitten by a radioactive sloth.
Van Gogh's best friend was his brother Theo He would often lend him an ear.
A plant fell on my head... I'm alright though, it was no big dill.
Little monster: Mom I've finished. Can I leave the table? Mommy monster: Yes I'll save it for your tea.
'Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized' ~me talking to my KFC
You shouldn't judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
So Muhammad Ali is dead... Is it too soon for a punchline?
What did the Bantha say when he ate the Wookie? Chewie (You have to be a Star Wars fan)
What do you call a group of gay cavemen? Homo erectus.
Jeopardy] Alex: This floats your boat. Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy? Alex: I'm sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.
They should rename the SA80 to Bob Marley Because it's always jammin'
My school is having a best joke contest tomorrow... gimme your best All I got is How do you spot a vegan at a party? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Why are there no Walmarts in Syria? Because they're all targets.
Eric Clapton's son was a prolific writer by the age of 4 and a half... He did 49 stories in 7 seconds.
Depression. Why treat it when you can end it?
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
"Was I adopted?" "Yes. But they brought you back."
Is it possible to wanted the same thing and still break up.. Yeah, If you both only want to have sex with girls.
Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.
iFunny Like Hack [This post was swallowed by a black hole]
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called "Fireworks and big dogs.jpg" so my cats won't find them on my computer.
An atheist, a Muslim, and a Born-again Christian are seated together on a plane. They have a pleasant flight because they're not assholes.
I left my .door file open for too long. It was a .jar.
[NSFW] I just came up with the female version of the, 'helping Jack off the bus' joke. If you had a Vietnamese friend named Gina, wold you ask her to eat Pho Gina?
What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional? Nothing. It's rude to talk with your mouth full.
My brother lost his job at the rubber factory ... but I think he'll bounce back.
Barista: Name? Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink* *Time passes* Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work related.
I accept your apology. Can I borrow your phone? I need to cancel the hit I put out on you.
I once thought I had an Asian friend Turns out it was just my imaginasian
Weddings r cool bc u can cry in public about other stuff as long as u look in the general direction of the bride + groom
When she tells you to go deeper But your all out of poems
How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb? It was too bright in here anyway.
We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.
I went to the premature ejaculation clinic today. They told me my appointment isn't until tomorrow.
Why do French people eat no more than 1 egg per meal? Because one is un uf.
Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5.
What do you call a spy that likes to spend time with his son? James Bonding bah dun tss
What's the difference between a prostitute and oreo? April Fools ya dumbitches!! There's no difference at all.
Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq? Because there's a Target around every corner.
What is worse, ignorance or apathy? I don't know, and i don't care..
Have you heard of the Tempura House? It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
One of the band members of Chumbawumba were in a bar fight... He got knocked down, but he got up again.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.
Teacher: What is the formula for water ?  George: HIJKLMNO Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you ?  George: Sure you said H to O !
I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.
Why the rabbits love Selena Gomez? im farting carrots, im farting carrots...
What did the rabbit say to the carrot? It's been nice gnawing you.
You know when you read a page of a book and then realize you didn't absorb any of it? I think I did that with my life.
I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.
Why does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "bitch refresher course".
The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a banana.
"Had an ant farm once." "Them fuckers didn't grow shit."
What does Tammy Wynette do to beat the heat? Stands by her fan.
How does a crazy person walk through the forest? He takes the psychopath.
I went to a zoo and it only had a dog in it.... It was a Shih Tzu
Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is... And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.
What did one cancer cell say to the other cancer cell ? Let's go get Jobs.
Tried to change my password to Twilight... ...but got an error message saying please re-enter as this contains too many useless characters :(
What do you call a poop that went to med school? Dookie Howser
Why aren't there any Muslim feminists? Pork is haram
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing? GF: really? Me: yeah George Foreman: that's interesting
My girlfriend told me peeing after sex prevents pregnancies... I don't know what I did wrong. I peed as hard as I could right after sex and she still got pregnant.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. -Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott -Melania Trump
If a woman has fallen  an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her.
I'm waiting for Twitter to be adapted into a big budget sci-fi action movie: "In space no one can hear you tweet."
What's the opposite of the word uncle-off-her? It's an aunt-*on*-him.
Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store...
I have HIV Hair is vanishing
See you later masturbater Afterwhile pedophile
I fucked a sarcastic girl. She loved it.
in kindergarden i pooped my pants and got insanely mad when another kid asked me about it, and that's also the president's PR strategy
Kim Jong-il became Kim jong-ded Now Kim Jong-Un with his wife who has vanished from public since 7 months, might be having a Kim Yung-Un
Sex makes my day But anal makes my hole weak
"This is where we separate the men from the boys."- Craig, JC Penny manager, organizing the layout of the store.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
People who take tons of photos of themselves Have no selfie control
Why are women and noodles alike? They both wriggle when you eat them.
I wanted to go to college to be a farmer. But, they didn't have a degree in that field.
I was looking for a dating website with lots of Christians So I joined Ashley Madison
Why did Nobelium's car got towed away? He parked at a *No* parking!
One of the great pleasures of living in a city is walking by a pile of bloody clothes and thinking, "Someone else will take care of this."
Oh you have Swag? ...that's cool, hey, can you Super Size my Fries?
People that are into beastieality. Are fucking animals.
A picture may say a thousand words, but with Photoshop, it tells a thousand lies.
I lost two things today. My virginity... ...and my job at the morgue.
What do you call it when you thrust a hairy pole in and out of your mouth, and at the end you spit out a white liquid? Brushing your teeth!
Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he and his friends decided to dress up as famous composers for Halloween? I'll be Bach
*pushes math homework away in 1990* I'll never need this *getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014* I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us ~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I want to see a movie where a robot gains consciousness and realizes its a loser and doesn't want to do anything
Let me tell you a joke about a fart. nevermind. It stinks.
What do you call a depressed dog eating honeydew ? A meloncollie
You show me a piano falling down,a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat miner.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster.
How do you know if you sisters on her period? Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
Last night I had to change a light bulb, a bit later on I crossed the road, then walked into a bar... I began to realize my life was one big joke.
A married man's prayer; Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away You gave me youth, you took it away. You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now... Just reminding you......
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce? Him: Usually it's me asking you that. 13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
What kind of beer do architecture majors drink at parties Natural light
[Me]: *slams fork & knife down on table* Not cool, babe. [Wife]: You didn't honestly think there'd be weed in your pot pie, did you?
An Irish man walks out of a bar... Not possible.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up. - people with the right amount of body parts
Love is a battlefield. And I fight naked.
I got a job at FedEx OP delivered
If I ask you how you're doing and you say anything more complicated than "fine," we're going to have a problem
What do you call a knight made out of clay? Sir Amick
Self Respect is... Washing your hands before you take a piss. ...or rather, leave one.
Valentine's Day card idea: I'm like good sushi... You can eat me raw. Happy Valentine's Day!
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 but how did they get in there?
How many Chinese workers does it take to make a Smartphone? I dunno. Ask the kids.
Want to know how I escaped Iraq? Iran.
You don't see many reindeer in zoos do you? No. They can't afford the admission.
How do u know if a company that just hired you conducts drug tests? What is the likelihood it will be a hairtest
No thanks, people who hum to themselves. I've seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you're possessed.
Decided to announce that I'm gay today after being relieved of my constipation. It felt so good coming out.
Cat: "What did you get him for his  birthday?" Dog: "Pant . . . pant!" Cat: "Great . . . he needs a pair of pants!"
Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet... But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies Edit: Highest rated post! RIP inbox
I had skylights installed at my place last night and I don't get why the people who live upstairs aren't okay with this.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner. Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally? *Todd exits out the back door with our television*
What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts? Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"
Today, I played God. I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...
The neighbors yard smells like weed. I'm glad those seeds I threw over the fence are starting to grow.
What's a divorce attorney's favorite dessert? Wedding cake
why didn't natalie wood take a shower on the boat? she wanted to wash up on shore...
What did the customer say to the barber after looking at a facial hair catalog? I moustache you a question about this style shown here, good sir.
I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
A tattered rope walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey, are you a lasso?" The rope replies, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot."
you know what really turns on a nerd? unprotected wifi
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
What did the Italian chef say when asked, "How do make these triangular meatballs taste so good?" *stereotypical Italian accent* I sauce-a these
absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
What begins with a " C" ends with a "T" has a "U and a "N" in it, is hairy on the outside and wet in the middle. A coconut.
When I get Cheeto dust on my fingers I use it to draw warpaint on my face. I am serious as fuck about my Cheetos.
Why don't golddiggers eat fruit? An apple a day keeps the doctors away
I found this joke on the news when I went to America... His name is Donald Trump.
Why did neither Hillary nor Trump win the election? Jill Stein
Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, makes me wish I had genital herpes.
People are like the digestive system. In the end, they're all assholes.
What is something that basically stops when you stare at it, but flys by when you dont? There are two answere: Time and Boo (from Mario games). Just made this joke up what do you guys think?
My friend just brought home five new chickens for her chicken coop, and asked for suggestions for naming them... I suggested "breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch and supper..."
"This sushi is terrible." "Sir, this is an aquarium."
Hilary should change her name to Monica. NSFW She obviously wants the next presidents dick in her mouth the way she steals his rhetoric
I have a recurring dream where I divide 10 by 3.
Mad scientist- Checks for Labs Bartender- Checks for Tabs Boxer- Checks for Jabs Uber- Checks for Cabs Your back - Checks for Stabs
People drinking wine in nice restaurants at 2:30 pm - Who are you and how do you get the time and money? Teach me.
What happens when memes get lose? (   )
You can't run a country like a business. If you did, you'd have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that's socialism! Bye!
The time you really begin to envy your cat Monday morning.
Common courtesy: don't bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.
The policeman asked me why I keep beating my wife... I told him I have a longer reach and superior footwork.
Girls are always the first to say "YOLO" Until I mention anal
Friend - You smell nice, what's that perfume you're wearing? Me - Fear and fabric softener.
"God I wish I was riding a dinosaur right now." - My brain, circa now.
There are more and more suicide bombers around nowadays isn't there... then again... also less and less.
Growing up my mom told me... I could be anybody I wanted to. Turns out this is called identity theft.
What do you call dirty white underwear? Stained glass.
How did the private eye use math to find the intent of the crime? He solved for y! Thought this one up myself and thought it was post worthy
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn't even know I was competing.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?  He called it "Ham Hocks".
I think I speak for the majority of mute people when I don't say anything at all.
Why do porn directors prefer real Christmas trees? Because they don't need fluffing.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no... the job interview didn't go very well.
Why haven't we sent a woman to the moon? It doesn't need cleaning
"Mom, where did people come from?" "God created us" "But Dad said we came from monkeys" "Dad told you about his side of the family. I am telling you about mine"
I exclusively use internet explorer to download Google chrome.
My Thanksgiving, in math &amp;radic;-1 &amp;mdash;&amp;mdash; &amp;nbsp; 8
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it :)
When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it
"Write this down." [Moses grabs tablet] "Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-" "Slow down, fella. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'."
I love long romantic walks to the fridge. That's how I maintain my curves 
When ur butt's wet It's called buttsweat
I'm so committed to pizza that I've stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
one kindergarten student to another "did you hear they found a condom on the seventh floor balcony?" the other student replies "Oooh no... but... what is a 'balcony'?"
A German man walks into a bar... and orders a Martini. The barman asks: "Dry?" The German replies: "No, just one, thank you."
I heard Samsung is making a feature film They're calling it Total Recall.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
This is a joke about my balls but its pretty funny Why were my balls wet? cause i dipped em' in the wishing well! LOL
A customer was buying condoms at work today. I asked if he'd like a bag. "No, she's not that ugly."
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I've upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
"Saint"? You had one job, Kardashian-West family. Go make another kid, and this time name it Wild Wild.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I knew the Psychic was a phony as soon as she accepted my check.
I'm having a hard time... contrtolling my erections.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
I want to live in one of those countries where the lawmakers get into fistfights
First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote "like an onion". Can you clarify?
Tried to watch some porn last night but I couldn't buy into the plot... There were just too many holes
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, lawyers only screw us.
What did the alcoholic say to the bartender? "You know, I only beat my wife once in a Blue Moon.
I rely too much on Outlook. My calendar has "leave work" at 6, "brush teeth" tonight at 11, and a "blink" alert recurring every 2.5 seconds.
What kind of typewriters do vampires like?  Blood type-writers.
Damn girl are you Jewish! Cuz these balls are matzoh.
What's the difference a Whore and a Bitch? A Whore will fuck anybody, a Bitch will fuck anybody but me.
Two Chemists Two chemists go out for a nice meal. The drinks were okay. The meal was OK too. They both died.
Why does Euler's Number say it's "going number 2" when it pees? Because its natural log is 1. I'll show myself out now.
Two magicians were walking down the street... one turned into a store.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Says the Titanic to the Iceberg... so I was sinking...
How do scientists develop chewing gum flavors? Through ex-spear-i-mints.
How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb? I'm better than you!
Why were the people in the Twin Towers disappointed on 9/11? They ordered 2 pepperoni pizzas, but all they got were 2 large plains.
Waiter waiter do you have frog's legs? Certainly Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
When I hear the term "Flash Mob" I think of old Italian gangsters wearing nothing but trench-coats.
Why doesn't America like knock knock jokes? Because freedom rings.
What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject. Edit: I am can't word goodly.
I heard she was born naked, that slut.
Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.
55% of people will yawn after reading the word "yawn."
I go in hard and come out soft You blow me hard what am I? a stick of gum :D
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase "Sleep like a baby."
Mugger *shows knife* Crocodile Dundee "No this is a knife" *pulls out huge knife* Alanis Morrisette "Hang on" *sifts through 10,000 spoons*
What do rehab and the days after Christmas have in common? Cold turkey
Reddit, I am a huge fan of corny jokes. The punnier the better. Gimme your best shot. I'll give you one of my favorites: What does a tree do when it goes on vacation? It packs its trunk and leaves.
So Jared Fogle is heading to prison. I wonder if he'll go for a six inch or try the footlong?
"Some people say I'm an animal in the sack." - baby kangaroo
If Twitter adds an edit button you'll retweet "I like kittens" and ten minutes later it'll say "I drink period blood."
[bleeding out] ER Doctor: do you know your blood type? ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I
It ruins the joke and confuses everyone. What happens when you mix up where to put the set-up and the punchline of a joke?
On allegations of Mayweather beating his wife... He was undefeated, he couldn't let her win.
I thought my date had big man hands... until I realized I was sitting in the wrong seat in the theater after coming back from the restroom
[meeting at amc network] "Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?"
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower. Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I hear something. Do you hear that? HERE COMES THAT BOI OH SHIT WADDUP!
What do you call a turtle without a shell? Dead.
When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve
Coining Money. George Washington: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money. Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that? Yoda: Yep
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where is my tractor?"
What happened to the Oklahoma Territories? I don't know but they're OK now.
What's in Pandora's box? A fine case of herpes.
My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke **Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet? **Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up. *...she cracks me up*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Why wasn't toto as excited as dorothy when they traveled the yellow brick road? he missed the rains down in africa
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokemon.
What do you call a crashed Vertibird? ( Fallout 4) An Invertibird.
Who poisoned the waters in the 2016 Olympics? It was I, **RIO**!!!
Which rock band has 4 people but doesn't make music? Mount Rushmore
Picking which colour pen to use.... Its always a bic decision
What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and a colored wash? Whites occasionally get into a colored wash.
Did you know Canada was initially spelled Cnd? But when they pronounced it, the word came out "C-eh" "N-eh" "D-eh"
How many tacos does it take to change a lightbulb? why don't we have both?
Which is the most powerful colour? Super Cyan
If you ever feel like you're bad at your job, remember At least you don't work in polling
What does MC Hammer and antimatter have in common? Can't touch this!
What do you call the celebration that comes the day after Ramadan? Rama-done
"Oh, he's so immature." - boring people talking about fun people
I was going to make some fat jokes... But i don't think they fit the situation.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... [ *Coughs up hairball* ] Dog: You gonna eat that?
If the President rides equestrian without a saddle, what do you call the animal he's on? Bare Horse One.
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man. So I stuck it in her ass and called her Steve
"Excuse the mess; we had guests," I graciously explain, leaving out the "five months ago" part.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking? It was making him Moody
Why are fruit fetishists never alone? Because they cum in pears.
Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago ? Pupil: Me !
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why does Kim Jong Un so quick to anger? He's been holding in his shit for years
Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with "America" written on it.
What's the worst thing about eating a vegtable? Putting her back in the wheel chair...
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a glass of water. If it sinks: girl ant If it floats: boy ant
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.
A giraffe walks into a bar... and says, "High balls are on me!"
My daughter asks for Frozen stuff for Christmas, so i bought her frozen chips and a packet of peas
[2019 USA] "Where are you from?" -Trumpsylvania, how about you? "North Trumpkota"
Jesus walks into a boarding house.... Jesus walks into a boarding house. He puts three nails down on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
pizza is my favorite winter activity
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? I actually give a shit if my computer crashes. ^RIP Paul Walker 2013. This is only a joke.
What does a man with a tiny penis have for breakfast? Well this morning I had a PopTart, 2 eggs and a glass of orange juice.
Step 1: achieve tumescence. Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Where does Google and Apple get their weather information? The Cloud.
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blow job from a dude... It feels really good until you look down, and realize how gay you are. Edit: Adam Carolla apparently wrote this. Who knew?
I like my Jews like I like my subway... Toasted.
A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she's been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data
Nothing turns your world upside-down more than realizing you've been singing the wrong lyrics for 20 years.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Clown ! Clown who ? Clown for the count !
I'm thinking about opening one of those "pray away the gay" clinics just so I can name it "God Save the Queen."
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
A rope walks into a bar And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
What I know about you has earned my attention. What I don't know about you is what makes you interesting.
Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates
Why is there such a big war in the Middle East? Because they're having difficulties finding out where the ISIS (created by my 10 year old 5 minutes ago)
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
BLONDES BLOW IT Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.
What's long and hard and full of seamen? The tube sock under my bed.
I'm not the hero Gotham deserves. I'm Pete I work at Subway. Do u want extra meetballs.
69 I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
What's the difference between Paul Walker and My Computer? I actually care when my computer crashes
How many frat guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer Natural Light.
It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
What is a ghost's favorite type of porn? Booooookake
What's slimy, green, and smells like bacon? Kermits finger.
What do fat girls and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. 'Why  don't you play with your friends?' he asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'
I tried making jokes about people who don't go to the gym... ...but none of them worked out.
A SQL Query Glides Into A Bar, In The Corner Of Said Bar Were Two Tables. SQL Query Glides Over To Said Tables and asks, May I Join You.
Why were the flies playing football in saucer ? They where playing for the cup !
I like to shave in front of my car's side view mirrors every morning. that way, I can get a closer shave than it appears.
I ignore politics because politicians clearly ignore me.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The Jackhammer, Now that was a groundbreaking discovery.
I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ... Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
(NSFW) I heard he's so rich ... he takes a golden shower every morning.
What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap? Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because number 7 is Luis Suarez, and he'll eat 9, 10, 11 and the rest of your team. (Disclaimer: The joke above is only applicable when he plays for Liverpool)
If you can recite the alphabet backwards to a police officer they will arrest you for fingering a minor.
Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.
So there're these two fish in a tank... and the one fish turns to the other and says, "Hey man, do you know how to drive this thing?"
[Marriage Counseling] Wife: He's always messing up even the simplest phrases. Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download...
Gather round children, for my machine powered by round children
I logged into MySpace for the first time since 2005. It was full of private messages from women who wanted to "Blockbuster and Chill".
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10. It's simple meth.
Guess which city got the best black Friday deals? Ferguson, it was a steal.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Who tries to steal fool's gold'? A pyrite!
A plane full of redditors crashed... Is an impossible statement because a plane full of redditors wouldn't even be able to take off in the first place.
How does one even? It simply doesn't, because it's odd.
What is it called when you mix Alcohol and Literature? Tequila Mockingbird. (X-post /r/waterpuns)
I don't even like sleep, it's just the only way I can eat spiders
What do you call the mushy red stuff between shark teeth? Slow swimmers
Oscar Pistorius said he wanted a new bathroom door..... But his girlfriend was dead against it
Hey guys, does anyone have an averagely long horror story that just ends in a pun? Any comments appreciated!
I've just found a mole on my shoulder. I don't know how he got out of the garden but he's cute.
Got caught stealing a utensil set earlier... I was a whisker away.
You know what I get off on? Subway platforms.
I remember when my cloning project failed. A part of me died that day.
My wife asks for 500$ every day wow and what does she buy with all that money ? I don't know I never give it to her.
My abs hurt today because last night I went to the gym and got punched in the stomach
Next time you see someone crying Ask them if it's because of their haircut
If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission.. They should just call U2 and ask how they did it
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
How can you see if a Hairdresser is not suitable for the job anymore? He/she barely even cuts it anymore.
Scientists have shown that putting the phrase "Scientists have shown" in front of anything will make people read it.
What do you call a black and white bird that can't win, nor fly. A peng-lose.
Manager Cracks a Joke. Everyone in the team laughs except one guy. Manager asks " Didn't you understand the joke ". The guy replies " I resigned yesterday "
How do people usually feel after touching an electric fence? Shocked.
My heart goes out to all those frustrated people who are stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn't make it a brownie.
What did Superman get at the supermarket? A Super Bowl
I Know What You Did Last Summer. You Posted It To Facebook. And You Do Not Seem To Understand How To Use The Privacy Controls.
What has two legs and bleeds? Half of your dog...I hit it with my car.
Why don't orphans enjoying playing baseball. Because they don't know where Home is.
Do you like to draw? Because I put the D in raw
No ageism? A baby seated in a tall wooden throne at this cafe just shattered a vase of flowers unprompted & was then told how handsome he is
Why shouldn't you wear a watch on your belt? It'd be a waste of time.
What do you call a guy who only posts clickbait? A master-baiter
Million dollar idea: Hookers selling ice cream, I'll call the store sexual flavors.
3 elephants jump out of a plane 2 hit the ground and 1 hit the water Bump bump shh
I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation. I'm scared shitless.
I told my grandpa he should wear his hearing aids but he won't listen
How do you spell women backwards? Kitchen
if you ask an undercover cop what the hills are alive with, he legally has to say "the sound of music" or else it's von trappment
Me: Shout out to all my homies! Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Hey girl, are you calculus? Because you're hard to understand and seem pretty useless in the greater scope of my life goals.
I went to the zoo last week and there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob? Come on. Lets go to lunch. My treat.
TIFU by pretending to be stabbed by a jihadi.
It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than... ...men who point that out.
My mom once got drunk and stabbed me because I look like my Father... Just kidding, she shot me. But hey, the past is the past. She's sober now and I can finally walk again.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing. Oceans can't talk
Q: How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!
Where do Russians get their milk from? From moscow
White house What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A tourist.
"Honey, does this milk seem spoiled?" *milk locks itself in its room til it gets an iPhone 6* "Oh its just going thru a phase"
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Psyched for the new Rihanna/Chris Brown songs! Haven't been this excited since Hitler & Anne Frank's duet, "Chillax, Haterz!"
Did you hear about the woman that died with semen in her ear? She didn't even hear him cumming.
Can February march? No, but April may. :-})
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Peter, you've reposted that joke for over 8 years now, please stop flooding the subreddit with that."
What do you call emotions of a DNA? Gene expressions
I once killed 19 birds with one gunshot, people asked why didn't I round up to 20 Do you really think I would risk getting caught lying just for 1 bird ?
What makes an ideal present for a monster?  Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat  next to everyone
Nobody's taking my presidential campaign seriously. I'll bet this has something to do with my lack of serious sexual indiscretions.
"Men, we need a durable lunch meat that can also be used as a hockey puck." - makers of Spam.
Thinking about writing some erotic fan fiction about 90s bands Working title It's A shame About Grey
The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas (Spoilers) Near the end of the book I think Bruno felt pretty gassed.
Yo mama so fat ...I find myself attracted to her in a very sexual way. Is she seeing anyone?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I'll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Thinking about calling 911 just to feel a fireman's embrace.
1. that's not a pregnancy test, and 2. you're pissing on my flash drive
How did the actress from Legally Blonde die? Witherknife
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Water is the cure to everything in life If you need to lose weight, drink water. If you need clearer skin, drink water. If your tired of your wife, drown her.
They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay.... I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.
I like my elections like I like my contract bridge. No Trump
How do you catch a rare rabbit? Unique up on it
Fred has 3 red balls and 5 blue balls in a bag. How many balls does Fred have? 10.
A Rabbi and the Pope walk in a bar... A bar patron says, "Hey, what is this, a joke?"
Whats the difference between an irish wake and an irish wedding??? One less drunk
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.
Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.
What does the hippy say when you try to kick them off your couch? Namaste.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches, a peeping tom watches snatches.
mom: who's your background? me: my boyfriend mom: can i meet him? me: not before i do mom: what? me: what?
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
I broke my new ukelele the other day... but I didn't fret it.
NAME THAT FLOWER Q: What is the name of the flower you find between your nose and your chin? A: Tulips.
Poeple dont read the user manual to know how to do it. But to see where they fucked up.
Republicans are like presidential butt plugs. Their sole purpose is to block Obama's shit.
All through their lives, guys are called either "young man" or "old man." I guess they cut out the middle man.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent Is a driver's Ed instructor
I was just diagnosed with colorblindness... I was so surprised, it just came out of the green!
What makes eggs so athletic? They go ovary and above.
How do you tell if someone is vegan or not? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
What's the difference between a pack of pygmies and a female cross-country team? One is a bunch of cunning runts and the other is...
If I could choose, I'd like to die like my grandfather, peacefully and in his sleep. Unlike his passengers.
A man's son goes off to join isis. The man laments saying: Why? Jihad so much potential!
Let stand in microwave for 2 minutes.' Hah. Yeah, like I make microwave dinners because I'm patient.
When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.
What's a fat kids favorite musical instrument? The lunch bell!
Doctor: "It's bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's." Patient: "Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer."
Why did god give Marines one more IQ point than he gave to horses. So they won't shit during parades.
Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny.
6yo wants to "have a conversation" with the class bully's parents. Either he's mature beyond his years or he's a mobster.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me. Robin: What if it's daytime? Batman: *glares at Robin* Gordon: Yeah, what if it- Batman: *smoke bomb*
My son said he couldn't sleep last night because of the thunder. I feel bad for locking him out now.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses.
[Darth Vader storming through the Death Star turning off lights, mumbling about we ain't lighting the universe]
Great, so a week ago my doctor gave me a letter, which confirmed that I have dyslexia... and now I've received one that says I have tiny tits. Oh no wait, tinnitus.
99 errors in code on the wall 99 errors in code Take one down, debug it around 107 errors in code on the wall
What's Borat's favorite neighborhood? Van Nuys
What's the difference between pussy and parsley? Who the fuck eats parsley?
What do builders use to make websites? Com.crete.
When does a dog go "moo" ? When it is learning a new language !
What do you call a Chinese man with a bad internet connection? Hi Ping
I don't pay for prostitute, they pay me to stop ? Up vote if you agree
Dating tip: Don't offer to pay. It's a sign of weakness. Build trust through mutual agreement to steal. No one suspects the "happy couple."
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...
We'd be scared of beavers if trees screamed.
Do you know whats funnier than 24? 25.
When telling jokes to identical twins make sure you tell them the whole joke ........ because you just can't tell them a part.
So a staircase said something to me the other day... Actually I lied, it just stared at me.
If you suddenly realize it's 3pm and you've gotten nothing accomplished, it's OK to go back to bed.
I found the rulebook for an old card game at my grandfather's house. "Draw a card, if it's black, take a shot." Oh wait, that's just the LAPD guidebook.
Made a shepherd's pie last night... He didn't like it.
When I heard that Dr. Heimlich died at age 96... I got all choked up.
A joke about babies and cocaine What's the difference between a baby and a big bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would NEVER let a big bag of cocaine fall out a window!
I rolled over and saw a girl laying in bed next to me. "How the fuck did you get in here?" I asked. She said, "You don't remember last night, do you?" "I do," I replied, "But my hallway is narrow."
Thank god for smart phones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom
I'm THIS MANY drunk!! *holds up waffle*
I need to give my cat an abortion But every time I throw her down the stairs she just lands on her feet.
Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals?
96.86% of pastries are not s
What's black and is on top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a housefire.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
What do you call a gay Asian? Caucasian
What do you get when you put your hand in a blender? A hand shake.
Jokes about menstruation aren't funny. Period.
[META] Can we have S,M,L flairs on joke posts to indicate length? Sort of similar to /r/tifu
I've been feeling down all evening... I think my duvet has split.
What's the most fucked up joke you know that is not racist in any way? Lemme have it.
what's the worst thing about a pi eating contest? it never ends
Chemistry Humor... "What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.0221412910^23 pieces?" Guacomole.
What do you call a shop that sells aquatic vessels? A boat-ique. ...I'll get my coat.
Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free.
Patriots 2015 Super Bowl Champion *
with great power comes great electricity bills
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make everything up.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest shouts "Hey we dont allow Higgs Bosons here!" Higgs Boson replied "But without me how can you have mass?"
Why was the robot cold? He was missing his winter gear
News knowledge is important. I was discussing with a guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a  maxi pad.
What is a better name for cows? Lawn mooers! My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what's coming to them
Why Couldn't The Melon Get Married Because it can't-elope!
[God, creating pigeons] Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
If Rihanna and Chris Brown got back together and made music again... they would make all the hits
Government Shutdown: Day 4 3am: Monkey House, National Zoo A door crashes open. A triumphant screech. Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays. I know, I know... even I'm ashamed of myself for posting this!
Why do Arabs only buy Chevy Trucks? Because they're like Iraq.
You eat what (phonetic joke)? Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop I eat mop who?
If you wear a radioactive belt... ...you end up with nuclear waist.
"she's too good for him" "he doesn't deserve her" "she should be with me" "I need a good girl like that" --me looking at other people's dogs
Why did Jesus have a six pack? It was from all the cross-training...
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit? "It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"
A blind man walks into a bar and a table...and a chair
What does a black man do after sex? 15 to life
A prison inmate walks into a bar.
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest  sentence you can think of Pupil: Life imprisonment !
how many How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? I'd tell you, but you probably wouldn't understand anyways.
American Pharroah walks into a bar... The bartender says " i'm not even going to ask..."
Why is it impossible to argue with Trump? Because the Earth's rotation automatically makes a circle jerk out of him
My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said "What the fuck man it's, 2016, you can use whatever printer you want".
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? Rooster goes CockaDOODLEDOOO!! Prostitute goes AnyCOCKLEDOOO!! (Such an old joke maybe some of these young redditors have never heard it ;)
Me: I'm not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls* Co-worker:
Have you been shopping for a dishwasher lately? I have Juan on sale.
I wanted to study metallurgy at University But I didn't get the grades
I like my women how I like my salad dressing Extra Virgin
Oh, you left me a voicemail? Next time just tape a note to the door of the apartment I moved out of six years ago.
I once dated a girl with a conch shell tattooed on her inner thigh... If you put your ear up to it you could smell the ocean
I feel like I could beat a polygraph test every time I tell someone that I'll make sure to return the Tupperware that the dish came in.
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps !
I like my women like I like my coffee ... ... ground up and in the freezer.
How did Kurt Cobain die? With a Cobang
Why did the dry cleaners get shut down? The owner was arrested for money laundry-ing
What do you call it when you talk to God? Praying. Now what do you call it when God talks to you? Schizophrenia, it's called schizophrenia.
What is the most popular birthday based on Internet records? January 1st, 1993
I suggested a threesome to my girlfriend. "That's fine," she said, "Just not with another girl." "OK then, I'll call up James and Daniel." I replied.
What do Thomas Jefferson and a WNBA owner have in common? They both have 15 African-American women ready to go to work for them.
Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...
There was the Florida State defensive tackle  who thought Hertz Van Rentals was a famous Dutch painter.
My dentist... has the heart of a lion. ( sitting on his office table)
Did you hear about the chickpea freedom fighters? They call themselves Hummas.
My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
From what I hear about time spent with abortion doctor's they're really not all that bad Many patients have claimed it's really brought the kid out in them.
Fuck these annoying yellow bastards.. No I'm not talking about the Chinese, I'm talking about the minions.
What do pirates do on Saturdays? They go to Y'arrgggghhh sales.
All You Need to Know about Explosives by  Dinah Mite
Just tried to even up my sideburns and now I'm a hairless cat.
What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party? I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better. - What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
muffin man I was talking to the muffin man he looked kinda sad so I said something wrong? He said, no muffin's wrong
What would you call a 100 year old can of baked beans? Has-beens.
In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly. The remaining 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.
I'm reading a book on Anti-Gravity... And it's impossible to put down.
My cross-eyed friend was just diagnosed with depression. I'm not surprised - he never looks forward to anything.
[Going through customs] Anything to declare, sir? 1...2... Sir, what are you 3...4...I declare a thumb war! Oh bring it on *misses flight*
Where do poor Italians live? In the spaghetto...
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Where does bitter wine come from? From the grapes of wrath.
So passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best
Why do they call it the Dark Ages? Because of all the "knights"
Roses are brown, Violets are brown, Daisies are brown, I'm a terrible gardener.
You catch a giraffe with giraffe bait. You catch an elephant with elephant bait. How do you catch a click? Clickbait
What's a mimes favorite class at school? Speech and debate
I like my beers how I like my NBA players with hops.
Because it ruins the joke. Why should you never mix up the title and the punchline?
How do you drown a hipster? Convince them breathing under water is the new fad.
"We don't serve time travelers here" A time traveler walks into a bar.
You guys wanna hear a joke? Lil Wayne
It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.
Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.
Wife: Why do you go...... Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
I need a new ass Mine's cracked
TIL Micheal Bay's 'Pearl Harbour' made almost $ 200 million... ...I thought that it bombed! [re-worded Greg Proops joke from DLM]
What's green and hangs from trees? Elephant snot. Funniest part is seeing people's reaction when you tell it.
Eating a cigarette.
Why do Mexicans like spicy food? It induces labor.
What do you call a person who fights fire? Firefighter.
I'm dating a half asian girl... ...her mother is korean, her father is korean and her legs were ripped off in a car accident
Whats the similarity between Monkey in the Middle and Football? Both of the groups that are concered about the health of someone playing both begin with the letter P.
She was a no-nonsense, high powered executive who played hard but never had time for love. He was a dog who thought he was people.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he's out standing in his field.
An ISIS member walks into a bar And He offers everyone free shots!
How does a Mexican know when he's hungry? His ass stops burning.
Why don't feminists carry handguns? Because of the triggers. I'm sorry
What did Matthew McConaughey say when he got a scholarship? Fulbright, fulbright, fulbright...
EXCLUSIVE OFFER: 1,000 tampons for only $5 No strings attached.
I walked to the bus stop. This morning I walked to the bus stop and I saw a man there, drinking out of a paper bag. So I said, "Morning!" to be friendly And he said, "Nah I'm just an alcoholic."
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for 25 I think it's too deer
As Microsoft reveal the new Windows 10, people start to question what happened to Windows 9. Microsoft's answer: Windows 7 ate it.
4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend. Me: Aww! Sure! 4:You can be the Beast. Me: ... 4: Or the fat sea witch!
What do you put on big rusty boobs? Double D 40
Where do otters come from? Otter space. [credit goes to Anne Carson, or wherever she heard it]
An Elephant Never Forgets 9/11 An Elephant never forgets how to ride a bicycle
Standing next to an attractive woman in the elevator. I turned to her and asked politely if I could smell her pussy. Bristling, she snapped "NO, you can't!" Oh, I said, "It must be your feet then."
Peace in the Middle East, bruh! Hah, yah right...
Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let's start with the fact that they think you're a turtle
Behind every great man is a great woman. Way behind. Because men are faster.
I like my women like I like my carrots... Chopped up, in a plastic bag at the back of the freezer.
I told my boyfriend yesterday, "You do look a little Downsy, if I squint." "...Or if you squint."
Jokes about stuttering ...are a big big, no no.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day... Anal sex makes your hole weak!
Who gets the most ass in college? The chair
Dbz joke Yamaha won
Even death can't get you out of the friend zone... she'll be at your funeral like "he was like a brother to me"
Who is a Minion's favorite politician? First ever president of Zimbabwe, President Banana
Speed kills Mo'mentum, mo' problems.
WHAT DO THE TEENAGERS CALL...... What do the teenagers call the Asian red light district? Vachina Town
What did the American guy say to the French guy at the urinal "Hey, ur a peein'!"
Why did osama kill his wife? When he lifted her skirt, he saw *bush* .
I've got a joke about odd numbers. It's not even funny.
Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have ? Pupil : A fight !
I'm going to the hospital tomorrow...not because I'm sick, but because they have free pudding if you're fast enough.
What's hard and pink? A pig with a flick knife.
It's strange when I see a deer out in nature because I always assumed their natural habitat was right in front of my car on the highway.
What do you call a sad suicidal bird? A Robin Williams.
I bought my retarded son a Komodo dragon, but for safety reasons we keep him in his cage. Away from the Komodo dragon.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 8 and 9 died a horrible and tragic death, and 7 is the prime suspect.
When I get a lot of Myspace requests my fax machine goes crazy.
How many conspiratards does it take to screw in a light bulb....? "NONE! ITS A SECRET GOVERNMENT PLOT TO KEEP US IN THE DARK!"
How do old people check up to see how their friends are doing? They look in the obituary
Man #1 was talking to man #2. Man #2 asked man #1 how his wife Nature was doing. He said "fine" Then they heard "It's time to go!" #1 said "well Nature is calling, I've got to go #2.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall...
Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip again Don't trip again Don't trip again Don't trip again - me running up the stairs
When women go to the restroom together that's so you can make out, right?
Why is the oval office oval shaped? Because the government cuts corners.
Why did they call it cuppa soup because ebola soup wasn't very appealing
What are the Rolling Stones better at than the Bee gees? Stayin' Alive
A guy who won free buffets for life committed suicide the other day I guess he had a lot on his plate.
Science jokes these days... All the good ones Argon.
The installers put down my new hardwood really quickly. They floored it. (Was the reply when I told a friend that the installers were almost done)
I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Mary Rose sat on a pin Mary rose
I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.
Where do Danish cows come from?  Cowpenhagenf
"Harry Potter" branded condoms. "Protect your wand from Hogwarts while you're Slytherin in her chamber of secrets".
Why was Osama Bin Laden obsessed with Eminem? He was an Afghani-Stan.
Guess who's watching Vin Diesel movies all day again? That's right: Vin Diesel.
Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay? Because it was a freight!
What type of writing makes the most money? Ransom notes.
It's a shame Laremy Tunsil fell in the draft... But he was still the highest pick!
What language do lesbians speak? Gaelic.
People always tell me not to piss in the shower... ...but you know, it's difficult not to when you're taking a shit
I got a new book and I can't seem to put it down. That's the problem with slathering one's hands with rubber cement before touching things.
An xbox and a ps4 were attacked .. here comes the ambulance WII U WII U WII U
What do fat girls do in the summertime? Stink.
Did you hear the one about the zoo with only one dog? It's a shih-tzu.
Samuel L Jackson's kids were so lucky to have him yelling at them their whole childhood.
If she's "one-in-million" there's 1,344 of her in China.
What are the scariest jokes in space? Knock-Knock Jokes
I've put a hole in a bar of soap and I use it to masturbate. Normally I wouldn't share this kind of information, but I just have to cum clean.
What do you call an Italian hooker? A pastatute
I have an EpiPen I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value. A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it.
Did you know, if you cut off your left arm, your right arm would be left.
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear  ? Because he liked sole music !
I married two women last week Wasn't that big o' me
How many times does a blonde laugh at a joke? Three times - Once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once when she gets it.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I'm not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My friend was trying to annoy me with bird puns Well, toucan play at that game
What happens when a Jew runs into a wall with a boner? His nose breaks.
my girlfriend called me a pedophile after sex last night... ...and i said,"well that's a big word for an eight year-old."
What do you call a high definition piss? 1080 Pee -- My roommate
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
A man is praying to God because his son is a stripper. God replies, you think you've got it bad, my son thinks he's a doctor.
Yesterday I avoided a rape of a woman - And how you did it? - I convinced her.
What was the executioner's favorite shampoo? Head and shoulders.
What did the black mother name her 5 daughters? Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How did she tell them apart? She called them by their last names!
Why women live longer than men? Because shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying bills does.
How much is the price of sex in New Zealand? About $20 a kilo.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of a boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
I blew a speaker in my car today yea, he was motivational speaker, it left a bad taste in my mouth but I've been feeling a lot more positive ever since.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.
what do you call a turtle dressed as a guido a slowbro
According to this grocery list I've written on my hand, I've invented a new language.
There are two types of people in this world: Those who always lose their train of thought
Me: Grandma died, can't work today. Boss: Thought she died last month? Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Where did Mary go when the bombs went off? Everywhere.
Muhammad Ali recently died, but look at the bright side: At least he isn't shaking anymore.
You know what I hate about abortion clinics.. They really suck the life out of you.
What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head ? The deceased !
Why do gyms produce the best Rebels? Because of all the resistance training
There is a Mexican, a black person, a muslim, and a gipsy in a car. Who drives it? The officer.
I caught my son jerking off a wolf, so to teach him a lesson I made him stroke the whole pack.
Sell a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you just lost a customer.
Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem? he was a quackhead
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Clocks Joke Grandfather clocks have this weird love/hate relationship with insects in that termites are bad, but they're supposed to tick.
Why'd the apple jump in the grinder? He was suicider.
What do straight horses eat? hay
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Her: I <3 you. Me: I... I sideways balls you too.
Well you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm incontinent No time to talk.
The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I'm sure of: A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
A blond is driving to DisneyLand... She sees a sign saying "DisneyLand left" so she turns around and drives home.
Teacher asks a student to count from 0 to 10 Student : 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 Teacher : Where is 5? Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees ? they are really good at it
Q: What did the fish say when it hit the wall? A: "Dam."
What did the cat use to sharpen its claws? Me. Ow.
Which Vice President was the best at making beats? Algorithm
Avoiding eye contact with co-workers is for rookies. Make eye contact and don't say anything as you pass
What do you call a skinny misogynist? Skinny or fat, I find that they prefer to think of themselves as "egalitarian".
its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor
I was just minding my own, listening to some Led Zeppelin, and this girl asked if it was Nickelback and now there's so much blood everywhere
Me: tries to sleep Brain: M: B: M: B: M: B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
What are crisp like milk and go 'eek eek eek' when you eat them ? Mice Krispies !
123 ke na acredite
A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar. The priest asked the rabbi, "Do you get paid for corcumcisions?" The rabbi replies "No, but I keep the tips."
I accidentally touched my wife's boob and she didn't recoil in disgust so things are looking up.
Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.
[Nerd Joke] Yo momma's so fat she sees red lights as green... ...Doctors call this colour blindness, physicists call it gravitational blue-shift.
I'm reading a book about a duck who questions it's faith in God . . . It's called "Are you there God, it's me magret de canard"
[flash mob in front of me & my girl] [I join in then kneel down gasping] "Will you.." "YES!... YE.." "grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?"
If I got kidnapped I'd continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I'd die but at least they'd suffer too.
What did the bishop say to the priest? It's my turn.
Why do black people always finish first in a running race? There's a KFC at the end of the finish line.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Mat
What do you call a rapping egg? Over-easy E
An Italian and a black jump out of a tree. Who lands first? The Italian. The black is tied to the tree.
In hindsight, i shouldn't have said 'surprise me' when the judge was about to sentence me
Sure I'll eat square slices of pizza, but I'm thinking of triangular ones the whole time.
When I told you the dishwasher is loaded what I meant was... My wife is drunk.
How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None; they all stand around complementing it then get mad when it wont screw. Heard from my friend
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic..... But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Dogs are like books The more you like them, the harder they are to put down. Edit: Grammar.
How do we know Julius Caesar wasn't gay? Because you have to be straight to be a good ruler
I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!
It's a sad day when you watch National Geographic and realize oysters have a better sex life than you.
[first day as tour guide in New York] Me: that's the Statue of Liberty Guy: what is she clutching Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I think the best way to reduce stress in your life is to be wealthy and attractive.
My biggest fear is dying alone. Not really stoked to die with people either. You know, dying in general doesn't exactly sound like pancakes.
What type of milk is swiss cheese made of? Whole milk.
I like my woman like I like my coffee... Smuggled in a sack from Colombia
Sorry kids, Santa isn't real. If he was, he'd be an obese pedophile, felon, and elf slave owner. Seriously though, Merry Christmas.
I think my friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid He says he can stop anytime he wants
Two parrots were sitting on a perch One says to the other... Do you smell fish?
A really hot girl was checking me out today. Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.
Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: "I don't want to get blood on these pants." I want to reply, "Then stay out of my way on the catwalk"
Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn't even been able to figure out in 200 years?
Rape Some say rape isn't funny. Anything can be funny in the right context. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.   - George Carlin
Quick, I need some fables, ASOP.
A very tough question to answer If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?
knock knock joke knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock who's there? fibonacci
[normal life] ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week [packing for vacation] hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats...32 shirts
Why don't you see Santa for the rest of the year? Because for the rest of the year he's in prison for breaking into people's houses.
I was in the shower when I had a miscarriage. Worst baby shower ever.
What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it but they cant eat it!
My rich uncle just passed away so I recently came into some money But now the bills are all stuck together
Christmas vacation is like my dick... ...not long enough.
A punk girl goes shopping and asks the cashier "Can i get a refund if my parents like these clothes?"
What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your girl back, you get your truck back, you may even get your dog back.
What's the difference between a girl's track team and a bunch of pigs? One's a group of cunning runts... Source: Imgur user YossarianMinderbinder
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I've been to multiple yard and garage sales, but have never walked away with a plot of land or a place to store my vehicles.
Whats the difference between being horny and hungry? The difference is where you put the cucumber.
Where the most likely place to find a crack whore? Between a rock and a hard place.
I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say "I like your haircut", I can respond with, "Thanks, here, have some."
I'm so thankful for my kids.If it weren't for them I'd never know what a cool sound my vacuum cleaner makes when it sucks up Rice Crispies.
Why did the horny furry get arrested? Because he was a sexual predator.
I finally found a girlfriend and when I did I got really pumped. Sadly after a year in the storage she needed a lot of pumping as well.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day. If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Why is my father so abusive? Beats me
*at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!
"Do you need help with your math homework Billy?" "Yeah I sure do Dad!" "Well you're shit out of luck"
Sometimes I Think That The Pro-Gay Marriage Side And The Anti-Gay Marriage Side Are All fucking assholes.
Bom Dia means good morning in Portuguese Apparently it also means bomb him in Indonesian
Ok so the Past, the Present, and the Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Food is great but the atmosphere is terrible!
A saying of love. If you love her, let her go. If she returns, anal.
What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same. Thought I would join the circlejerk.
patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH bad people: ok, death patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart
What do you call it when you open a soda for a buddy who is in outer space? An astrofizzassist.
I went for a run. I was out 2 minutes before I had to return because I forgot something... ...I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes
How did the nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall
I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with "Why did you save my number?"
Proud father... I'm really proud of my daughter. She's taken her new vegetable diet very well. Just last night I found a cucumber in her room.
A ghost walks into a theater and goes to the concession stand But he gets turned away because they don't serve spirits
Went to the zoo and all they had was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
My son failed gym. But he unlocked every achievement on Left 4 Dead so it's a wash.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
What do an elephant and a Porsche 911 have in common? They both have their trunks in the front.
My body is a temple Only because it hates Palestine
In Amsterdam you could watch live sex shows by paying 50 Euros. That's nothing - In India, I watched a live rape just by buying a bus ticket.
Yeah, I believe..... Yeah, I believe Indians should be given land. I believe in animal rights.
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
Does this bloodstained bunny suit make me look mentally unstable?
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
I'm really glad the Revolution happened in the 1770s. If it happened this decade we'd all just sign a petition saying we hate the King
What browser do you use to watch porn? Bill Gates: "Internet Explorer" Sundar Pichai: "Google Chrome" Tim Cook: "Safari" Jared Fogle: "Tor"
Multiple bathrooms are the glue that hold marriages together.
In the old days you could send your kid to the store with a note to get your cigarettes. Now they need a mask and a knife.
Reddit, what good thing got ruined? Reddit.
If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
What did the Asian guy say when he was caught sleeping with another man's wife? Me love you wrong time.
What is the longest rope in the world? Europe
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Teach him to fish and you have lost a profitable business idea
I like my women like I like my Starbucks coffee. Left cold and empty with my name written across them.
What do you call a bikini clad conspiracy theorist? An illumi-hotty!
Good news in Syria today Just kidding
An owl decided to make romantic advances towards another owl. To wit, to woo.
If Billy Joel wrote "We Didn't Start the Fire" today, it would be 2 hours.
I exercise religiously. Which means I go running dressed as the Pope.
What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth? Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.
What's a feminist's least favorite food? Gender rolls
Lazlo's Chinese relativity axiom No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less,
Did you hear about the tumblr user who wrote a play about foxes? They called it Fennec-Kin's Wake
What kind of car does a viking drive? A fjord
I walk into my dad's office and I'm like "sup motherfucker" and he's all "I'm on a conference call" and I'm like "sorry, sup motherfuckers"
Why did hitler get an A in chemistry? He always knew the final solution!
What Austrian girls and wine have in common? Both mature in a cellar.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
Hey websites, I will always "skip intro", so knock it off.
I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
Two chemists walk in a bar... The first one said: "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second one said: "I'd like some H2O too" The second man died.
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "santa" "santa who?" "santander... We're repossessing your house because you haven't paid the mortgage".
The last human alive will get no funeral.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cy ! Cy who ? Cy'n on the botton line !
Set a fire for a man and you'll keep him warm for an hour... ...set a man on fire, and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.
How do black people tan? Holding their hands up
Knock-knock Who's there? Dave. Dave's not here, man...
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Did you hear about the proctologists collectible Corvettes? He wrecked em'.
How do you break a Polish man's finger? Punch him in the nose.
If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.
My girlfriend keeps telling me i need a job... I said "with your hands or your mouth?"
When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams.
I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.
I'm a hard-core Greenbay Packers fan, and every time they score. I do the Lambeau leap into my staircase.
Why is Iron Man Italian? Because to get him you have to rig-a-tony..
a wise man once said to me: "why are u doing that? why do u exist? why are we talkimg?" a whats man once said to me: "what ar
So two cannibals are eating dinner... The first turns to the second man and says "Wow, your wife sure does make a great roast!" The second replied "I know, I'm really gonna miss her."
In honor of St. Patrick's Day... Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Well, they warned me that I'd go blind if I kept doing that... Sitting too close to the TV.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?
My husband believes my greatest accomplishment... is his last name.
There's no easy way to say this... FJdnfiouadp, djfpiocu aneouidf, acnslikfiucukuokjpqukd. Diuoiufpqknddiolololdiodoodlioaidoiucnbnzquznd. Qudfiout'z'ndfjoikcugh.
A Freudian slip... ...is where you say one thing but fuck your mother.
Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows...
[first day working at the pizzeria] Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Q: How many Osamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. They don't have lightbulbs in caves
How do Japanese Chihuahuas say 'Hello'? Konichihuahua
What was the Feminist's least favorite subject? Trigger-nometry.
Sorry you didn't win Best Picture, "Mad Max: Fury Road," but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for "Best Documentary."
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Being engaged Daddy what does being engaged mean? Son It's like getting a bike for Christmas but not being able to ride it til Easter.
I've only got a few more weeks to convince my wife that our baby's middle name should be Underscore.
Is Jon Stewart the Last Airbender? Because just when the world needed him most, he vanished.
Ever been half way through eating a horse and start to think..... I wasnt as hungry as I thought
To all the nerds out there There are 10 types of people in this world; those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Ive recently been under the weather but now im in a stable conditon My rooms filthy and there is shit everywhere
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute the rooster says cockadoodledoo a prostitute says anycockwilldo
A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he's naked.
You wanna hear a joke about Ebola? You probably won't get it.
How do you organize a party in space? You Planet
A man walks into a bar It was a metal one. He hit his head and got a concussion
How do you say unicorn in Spanish? Unamaize
I think we all need something positive after the recent election Which is why I'm sharing my HIV status with all of you.
I wish I could play little league again. I'd be so much better now.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the  outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Dentist: Just let me finish and you will be another man after these cosmetic procedures. Patient: Okay doc but don't forget to send your bill to the other man.
Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I was the Wikipedia of my school. People expected me to help with their homework, but completely ignored my constant requests for money.
If it wasn't for Yahoo Answers, there's no way I could know this numb black foot was just a headache.
Have you heard the new yoga joke? It's kind of a stretch...
The police are looking for a stole toilet from the police station. At the moment they have nothing to go on.
Why do they say "Amen", not "Awomen"? Because they sing "hymns" not "hers"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ann ! Ann who ? Ann-onymous !
People are far too distrustful of chickens. They can't even cross the road without having their motives questioned.
There were 5 peanuts walking down the street... ...and one was assaulted...peanut.
the rugby players without a referee weren't keeping up with the news they kept asking "whose put-in?"
Damn girl are you a Scientology Church? Because after I come inside you I'm going to be thoroughly disappointed and end up paying large sums of money for the rest of my life just to leave.
God does exist If you're North Korean
What was Osama bin Laden's favorite drink? Jager bombs
My interviewer kept getting annoyed at me... ...when I kept responding to each question with the same question - only in a really sarcastic way. Apparently, I don't know what a "mock interview" means.
ROUGE ONE SPOILERS!!! Screen fades to black at the end and a bunch of names start scrolling up.
What does Hitler do on a windy day? He flies a kike.
Some asshole stole my mood ring. I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
One and only "Damn, i would like to get down your skirt", the horny boy said to the pretty girl. The pretty girl replies: "why? There's already one ashole there"
There are only 10 types of persons in the world Those who don't know binary, those who know and those who did not know that this joke is base 3.
What happens when everyone in the country takes a pee at the same time? Urine-nation!
How do you stop a Mexican tank? You shoot the people pushing it.
How do you know you are sitting next to a ski instructor? They'll tell you.
I join any line I see if it's long enough. All those people can't be wrong!
It irks me when my wife doesn't fold my shirts the way I like. It irks her when I do a bunch of drugs & destroy our family. Potato Po-tah-to
Those men drinking battery acid Will soon be charged
Most pencils have erasers But that's beside the point
"my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!" i'll be RIGHT back *ducks into phone booth* *pops head out 5 mins later* is he gone yet
TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree, drinking water is good for children The tenth doctor is Dr. Pepper
ME: Ok, that's everything in the dishwasher *closes dishwasher door* *turns it on* *turns around* TEASPOON: You're not gonna believe this
If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
Christopher Dorner Did you guys hear about Christopher Dorner? He went out guns a-blazin'.
What do you do when nothing goes right? Go left
Q: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? A: Cancer.
uber driver said he used to work at disney world and did acid all the time
a window joke What happens when the man shakes? The windows milk shake!
What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm.
I sexually identify as a brick. I'm always hard and I've only been laid once.
When is a door not a door? When it's a jar. (Doctor Who knew how to pun in the 60's)
What do you call an Irish girl sitting on a hot griddle holding a piece of cheese? A paddy melt!!
What did the left butt cheek say to the right one? If we stick together, we can stop this shit.
GOd damn millennials with all their browser tabs. The only "tab" we used to "open" was at the bar, every day, because we had "alcoholism"
My Fallout 4 Review It's a blast.
Awesome watch I got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof &amp; scratchproof. I lost it.
[snapchat HQ] Boss: anybody got anything good? Guy (who smoked weed instead of working): people with big eyes puking rainbows?
Why do Catholic priests like Indian restaurants so much? Unlimited fresh naans!
My wife can't stand to be around me ever since I retired from voicing Winnie-the-Pooh She says I am becoming unbearable.
the thing i hate about job applications Job applications are like, "If you're working &amp; Frank looks upset, what do you do? I turn around and do my job, fuck Frank
What's the difference between a newspaper and a cocaine addict? One has headlines, and the other gives head for lines.
I eat things based on the amount of dishes I have to use.
When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.
Where do Easter bunnies dance? At the basketball.
Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
What do you call a homosexual Hispanic peeping tom? Peeko-da-guyo.
Sled prices are too damn high but you can find a good deal if you're willing toboggan.
85% of baseball's appeal is good weather and alcohol.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a big fall. All the kings and all the kings men.. &amp;nbsp; had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
I want to name my computer "Dat Ass" So every so often my computer will ask me if I want to Back Dat Ass up.
How to Make A Cat Go Woof
[Jesus at Last Supper] [holds up bread] This is my body [holds up wine] This is my blood [holds up Instagram pic] This was my breakfast
Him: what does a polar bear weigh? Me: I don't know Him: enough to break the ice, my name's John. Me: so's mine.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there's a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
An F1 racer gets addicted to amphetamines. He soon felt the *need* for *speed*
If a fly does not fly, is it a walk? /music plays
The job interviewer asked me to define turnover. I said, "That's what I do before I go to sleep."
Did ya hear that the price of coal is so high Santa can't afford to give it away anymore? All of the bad kids are stuck trying to steal oil.
How do you make a dumb person curious? I'll tell you tomorrow...
I saw a viral video today. It taught me a lot about STDs.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jagermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut..
What is the best method of separating juice? by concentration.
How about I slip down your chimney, at half past midnight?
What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?  Meals on wheels.
So I just saw the music video for Radioactive, and if you think fighting stuffed animals is weird... ...Imagine Dragons.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? An obscure number you've probably never heard of......
"Bye, losers." *puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses* *rides unicycle into an elevator* "Can you push the button for the lobby please."
Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it? Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower. Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman.
I don't have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn't knocked up.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I have a bit of a sinking feeling about today I feel like it's a day of titanic proportions, but my memory of what it could be is completely drowned out.
Did you hear the one about the two deaf guys? What?
Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder. He never even tried to take me camping, I'm not even good enough to kill.
A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar... He orders a drink.
Where does the Federal Reserve hide all of its dirty profits? In debasement.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
A Scotsman, an Essex girl and an alien walk into a bar... The landlord looks up and says, "What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?"
I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....... I will keep you posted.
What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?! Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers were slaves to heroin.
Why did the poor dog chase his tail? Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Tom Brady will be suspended from his balls
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae School
I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
There's nothing common... about Tutankhamun.
My father's sister really isn't fond of jews... We call her auntie-semitite
So I confronted and cursed my son out for being in a relationship with a man..... He told me his partner was a Tranny and I felt like such an idiot. Sorry Ma'am. Your masculine face had me off.
Pickles = Zombie Cucumbers
What do you get when you cross a mormon and a raptor? A Utahraptor
What do you call your mother's father when he's good to you? A Grand-father.
Why couldn't Jango wear Boba's helmet? It didn't Fett.
TIL I'm bad at posting at the right subreddit
Which pizza shop's business is like it's name? Dominoes. Falling one at a time.
a fish walks into a bar..... the bartender asks "what will it be?" Fish replies " am dying for a glass of water."
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I wish robot servants were affordable already.
You're fat and you need to diet... I won't sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too.
Why was the Human Torch arrested? He had firearms.
He called my girlfriend a whore. So I called him an ambulance.
What is the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
Anyone know where I can buy some camo pants? Can't find them anywhere.
put the punch line in the title how do you piss off reddit?
Like this! How do you fuck up a joke?
Found a quarter on the ground the other day You could say it 'changed' my life
I thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I'm in NJ
I'm not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul? Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I told my girlfriend to prepare to seek immediate medical help. Because she was about to experience an erection lasting longer than four hours.
Although I'm not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I'm not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her? By leaving a plunger in the toilet
Good friends help you move. Great friends help you move bodies.
What do Jedi say on May 4th? May the force be with you just like every other day because they have no concept of our Gregorian calendar.
Were you raised on a farm? Cause you sure do know how to raise a cock.
A beaver was praying to God, and said... Oh goddammit
I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard.
I'm usually more of a Samantha but sometimes I am such a Carrie, like when a bucket of blood got dumped on my head at prom
Avast, me buckos! It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day, so let's hear your most swashbuckling puns and AAAARRRRRRGUE about whose is best/worst.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
I hear that in Star Wars 8 they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother... His name is Y Solo.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
What do you call an imam that owns a goat and a camel? Bisexual.
I'm not saying I've gained weight, I'm just saying I don't think my belt buckle should be facing the ground...
Why did the joke on /r/jokes get removed? [removed]
My friend just launched the second hubble into space... A hubble bubble.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us "never let go." Frozen says "let it go." Smdh
What did the left tit say to the right tit? If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!
A T-100 is sent back to 2016 to terminate Trump and Clinton. Who survives? Not the next redditor to post a fucking 'America' version of the disaster set up.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I don't know what the question is.. But violins is not the answer.
My friend would be alive today... if we knew the difference between antidote and anecdote. &gt;"Am I going to live?" &gt;"I don't know." &gt;"Read faster!"
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don't open your heart.
Him: I'm tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay. Me: Thanks. I'm tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
Dank memes What came out of the dank meme's butt? Mountain doo doo
Rule: Grown men should not use "lol" in a convo with another male.
Money doesn't impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
What do you call a short mexican? A paragraph, because they're not a full essay!
My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted. Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I'm so glad I don't drink anymore.
Good thing the flames... Didn't make it to the cup. They would be playing water polo, not ice hockey.
What do you call all the different ways a sperm can fertilize an egg? the spermutations.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes. I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?" She said, "Whatever means necessary." "No it doesn't," I said.
Fate is when you find something you were never looking for and realize its everything you never knew you wanted.
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do? Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
There's no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I'm going to spoil your life You die in the end
Can you name two burgers who are royalty? Sir Loin and Burger King!
If abortion is murder... wearing a condom must be kidnapping.
What did the sorority girl say when she couldn't eat another bite of pie? I literally pecan't right now.
What sounds does a vicar's gun make? Pew! Pew!
What is Dr. Seuss' favorite play? Green Eggs and Hamlet
Finally listened to the audiobook for "The Hunger Games". In my opinion, the book was better.
Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term... Terminating it is unchristian afterall
If I'm guilty of anything it's that I care too much, that and murder
If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.
What do you call a berry with a sore throat? A raspberry!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Best Jokes best site for babai abbai jokes.. with more than 50 jokes.. http://bhejakool.blogspot.in/
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Pretty hot.
If you had to choose between your local WNBA team winning the finals and receiving $5..... What would you spend your $5 on?
What do you call houses who have good behavior? Manors.
Why are dolphins all friends with each other? They just click you know?
What grades did Fidel Castro get at school? Full Marx
My therapist asked me if I ever black out because I drank to much alcohol. I responded "Not that I can remember."
If Taylor Swift wasn't a famous singer, I bet she'd be crazy fucking annoying on Facebook.
Playboy bunnies are weird. Who decided that women look sexier dressed up as half-human half-rabbit monsters?
What do you call... Nuts on a wall? - walnuts Nuts on a chest? - chestnuts Nuts on your chin? - a dick in your mouth!
Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn't hired such a gifted nap specialist.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.
How did Reddit not fell down yet? I mean, it is only hanging by threads...
I'd be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
What do you call a German grocery store that carries everything but fish? Not Sea Food.
What is the greatest show of trust in a person? Letting a cannibal give you a blowjob.
What do you call Bees that make milk? Boobies I'm so sorry, it's late and my friend just told this joke to me.
Why did the skeletons start dancing? Because they forgot the g in graveyard.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
'What other miracles can you do?' Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish?' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
What do you call the prince of england's donger? The buckingham phallus.
What does the penis say to the condom? Cover me I'm going in.
"you're too polite" I am not [two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn't usually bark at strangers
Obama: Hello Amer- *feels a tug on his suit coat* What Joe?? Biden: What color should the lion be? Yellow. Biden: I'm using green. *giggles*
I'm glad we finally have a strong leader I mean Putin has how many years of experience? The states are in good Russian hands.
What do you call a vegetable that's only kinda cool? Radish
What type of cheese is made backwards? Edam
So this hot blonde walks up to the bartender and asks for a double entendre So he gives it to her
no soap, radio.
What do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
What kind of suit does a lawyer like best? The Spanish Inquisition.
Me: Are these your kids? Boss: "Yep" They're gorgeous! "Thanks" Step kids? "Nope" Adopted? "No.." .. ".." She's cheating on you.. "Get out"
The scariest punchline to a long-running joke: "Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!"
A mushroom walks into a bar... Bartender- Hey! Get out we don't serve your kind here! Mushroom- Why not? I'm a "fungi"! Bam! You have all been "punned"!
Reddit deals with annoying whiners with shadowban, but what about Iran? Taliban
What do you call a musical sheep group? An Alcapelca... yeah that was bad.. sorry world..
I wouldn't bother making a joke about an infinite line No point.
What did the robot hit-man say to his robot victim? "Nothing personal."
Say what you want about the Aztecs.... ... but they have alot of heart. (i'm not funny)
What do you call someone who only tells knock-knock jokes? A Jehovah's Witness.
How do dolphins send messages? By sea-mail.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said "Flawless Victory!"
It's been reported that Donald Trump has recently found Jesus ... And had him deported.
The Flintstones becomes an entirely different show when you consider Fred & Barney probably weren't wearing underwear.
[Working in a hospital] ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy ME: Uh oh
In Iraq are Kraft Foods discount coupons known as Kraft Dinar?
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
You know what Victoria's Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I'm going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint "Welcome to chicago" on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My ex was terrible in bed. I mean she would just lie there... Screaming, "Noooo!"
How many dead memes does it take to change a light bulb? Over 9000.
What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder
My girlfriends are like computers. I mistreat them, load them with viruses, and then I break them.
well i was going to climb mount everest but this yelp review says theres a nude man at the summit swinging chains around and yelling "fuck u
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn't park anywhere near the place. -Steven Wright
Chrosshair Crosshair is what rabbit breeders do.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2, but God knows how they got in there.
My momma always said life is like a load of laundry. Sometimes you gotta separate the colors from the whites.
5yo: OMG I'M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I'M GONNA DIIIIIEE!! *eats 3 fries* 5yo: Can I be done?
Two Cleaners In A Car... Broom Broom
Girl are you a qwerty keyboard? Because U and I were meant to be together.
One lady to another, Do you talk to your husband during sex ? Yes, if he calls on my cell.
Did you hear Poland bought 5,000 septic tanks? As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they'll invade Germany.
Longest joke in the world (source) http://longestjokeintheworld.com
What do you call "nigga milk"? Coffee.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Let's give it up for grandmas who get offended and scared when they hear the word penis, but have like 12 kids.
Trump bragged about Apprentice ratings at National Prayer Breakfast, just like when Jesus boasted about his huge Sermon on the Mount crowds.
My wife wanted to have sex in the back of the car..... So I got stuck driving her and her boyfriend around all night.
Text response from a confused carcass: I decay.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
The three unwritten rules of /r/cleanjokes are: 1. 2. 3.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world's first clown.
Playing Guess Who these days is hard "Is your person white?" "Excuse me?" "Is your person white?" "I don't see skin color I just see people"
I've recently started eating steel It's a refined taste
Is it okay to joke about suicide? Or is it too much of a nooseance...
Dark humor is like food Not everybody gets it
feedback 4 people revving motorbikes loud in residential areas: there is absolutely 0% chance that u r impressing literally a single person
*unplugs grandpas life support to charge my vape*
The thing about being vague is, lots of stuff.
 Dad, what does indifference and incompetence mean?  Actually, I don't know, son. And I don't give a shit.
I'm thinking about getting a dog from Asia. Instead of eating your homework, they actually do it for you.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?
What's the difference between a Brit and an American? The Brit got kicked out and the American did the kicking.
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle? Because the paracetemol.
I'm staying at a hotel w/ a 'hotel dog' that guests can walk & pet. Which is 1. adorable and 2. proof that the gov't can access my dreams.
What is the flattest surface to iron your jeans on? ...a white girl's ass! (I AM a white girl, BTW, so don't start with me about racism).
I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one prostitute. Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs.
What's the most important part about telling a joke? Your PUN-unciation
In the beginning God created the earth and  rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.  - Since then neither God nor Man has rested.
There's a major at my university for Women's Studies There's one for Men's Studies too, but it's normally just called "History"
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water? If it sinks, it's girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.
Told my wife that joining the Mile High Club is on my bucket list. She said she didn't give a flying fuck.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
What would martin luther king be if he was white? Alive.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ''Tim hurt one monkey... he feels bad."
Kraft have just opened up a new factory in Jerusalem... They've called it 'Cheeses of Nazareth'.
Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.
What has a bottom on a top? A leg.
I've been making an effort lately to be better with women. I'm trying to be more assertive, as well as insertive.
What do you award to someone who comments in a thread from a month ago? Reddit Old
What do North Koreans lack that South Koreans do not? North Koreans have no Seoul.
"That which does not kill you makes you stronger." So, all things?
Where does big-foot keep his genitals? In his sascrotch!
What kind of trees watch kids in Mexico? Baby cedar
How do you make an egg roll? Push it.
So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, "that's really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction"
How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw
How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nunes? None.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
This hot weather... The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts... Although it does make me look a bit gay.
Did anyone catch the score of that soccer game?? U.S.A. 8, Ethiopia didn't
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
What's a Catholic's favorite way to send money? PayPal
Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation? He didn't want any beef.
How does a backwards poet write? Inverse
Knock knock joke I came up with in the 3rd grade... Knock, knock. Who's there? Nunya. Nunya who? Nunya dang business who?
Well, it's the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
John Cena vs Jackie Chan vs Leeerroooyyy Jeeennnkiiinnns who wins? Nobody wins. My Senpai can only win. I will make sure of it one way or another.......
coworker: Do you want a plate? me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Why does chav code never compile? They end every statement with init
I had to throw away a whole carton eggs this morning. They were all starting to grow a little fowl.
How do you think the unthinkable? with an itheberg.
Those "You Are Here" maps at bus stops are very simple in Detroit. They all just say "Fucked."
[On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT
What are the three most important things to an orthopedic surgeon's business? Dislocation, dislocation, dislocation
Who is ant man's worst enemy? Raid
Did you hear about that new state of the art jackhammer technology? "Groundbreaking"
[god inventing animals] okay here's a new one. It's an umbrella "okay" made out of jello "alright" and it electrocutes things "you're drunk"
I'm addicted to wanking over leaflets. When I went into rehab, I got off to a flyer.
Do cats like Deadmau5? I mean he is a mouse himself, but maybe they like the concept?
The Hunger Games is like Soccer. Everyone runs around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.
Did you read the article about corduroy pillowcases? ... They're making headlines.
What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer? A really good watch.
What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton
What do you call Dana Carvey standing on the back of Dana Carvey? Turtles all the way down
Why is 1 disapproving of 6? That one doesn't believe in six before marriage.
First cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night ? Second cannibal: That was no girl that was my supper !
Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? A: Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
Why did the surfer join ISIS? Because he was totally radical! EDIT: I guess this didn't blow up.
Can't believe it's already been 10 years since you had to pay for music.
I don't understand why death row inmates are given their choice of meal before they're executed. "I have to die tomorrow, but I get TACOS!"
I used to work with this black lady who had one arm and one leg... ...we called her Elbony
"No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks." - Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Social Security. Get it? You will when you're 65.
OMG, you're huge! There's no way you'll fit inside me. - My clothes.
Yo momma so fat the last time she went swimming she chewed a divers foot and they closed down sea world.
The only school shooting I do. Is heroin in math class.
If you're famous and your name suddenly becomes a Twitter trending topic, you are probably dead.
When ever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad. Sometimes I even let her in.
Nothing says "I probably don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.
Doc, I've got a problem... ...every morning at 8 sharp i poop... Doc: How is that a problem? Guy: ...I wake up at 9...
*gets caught breaking into used car lot* *desperately attempts to blend in with inflatable arm flailing tube men*
How do Jews celebrate Christmas? By dancing around the cash register singing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus"
What is red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.
How do you lose a Football championship penalty shootout? You Messi-up
We had a nice, quiet dinner last night... Except for the Celery, of course!
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want
Why don't black people dream? Because we killed the last one that did.
new joke I know this deaf musician, he plays a keyboard with one hand... and sings with the other
Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day - Jared Fogle
Artist Prince has passed away at the age of 57 I guess this is what it sounds like when doves cry.
What did the Hispanic fireman name his two twin sons? Jose and Hose B
sorry I haven't been tweeting much lately. I've been reading the Cheesecake Factory menu
'You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!' -pimples.
People who crave food for thought don't understand how food works.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
What do we want? Racing car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeeeooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
What's the difference between a Golden Chihuahua and a Golden Shower? You never have to pay before the dog'll pee on you.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
What's got 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.
[watching lion king] TIMON: hakuna matata ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries TIMON: it means no worries ME: see?
I traveled all the way to Hollywood and didn't even meet any celebrities. Boy, was I star-craving mad!
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
Why didn't the man go under the boardwalk? He doesn't like giving in to pier pressure.
Sorry I yelled, "Sweep the leg!" when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend. But I stand by my advice.
Pain Pills? You mean bitch mints? **^^flexes**
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar. Bartender: What'll it be, Secretary Clinton? Hillary: Let me see what polls best among my focus groups.
Jumps into shower Shower : I have a boyfriend
I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
How many guys in the Friendzone does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just stand around complimenting it then get pissed when it doesn't screw.
In order to understand your enemy, you must walk a mile in his shoes. If he's still your enemy after that, at least he's a mile away and hasn't got any shoes.
What is Sacha Baron Cohen's favorite ion? Borate.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with "iPhone 6 in Stock" and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I think I might be depressed... But I'm just taking a shot in the dark.
OBAMA: your resume says you think of the "best nicknames?" ME: that's right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns* OBAMA: [softly] holy shit
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she'll log into twitter.
How to not be racist Be like Mario! He's made by the japanese, he is an italian plumber, looks like a mexican, runs and jumps like a black man and grabs coins as fast as a Jew!
If Twitter has taught me anything in 6 years, it's "that" is the most unnecessary word in the English language.
I saw a woman breastfeeding her baby on the bus today... And the lady beside me started freaking out. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best time for a wank.
I've got an inferiority complex. But frankly, it's not a very good one.
I'd like to drown my sorrows. But I can't convince my wife to go swimming.
Please be patient...I'm fcuking things up as fast as I can.
Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily? It was a no buena My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!
What part of a football ground is never the same ? The changing rooms !
TIL the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called the teeth brush.
Knock knock... Who's there? Ken. Ken who? Ken I come in? (My 3 year old told me this one.)
Procrastination Kid in class: "Hey, what does procrastination mean?" Me: "Ill tell you later"
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn't want to see 3 lava lamps
What starts with F and ends with UCK? Firetruck. Sorry.
Dear Chiquita: I have your new slogan: "Constipated? Try a banana! Not like that, silly!"
It only takes 3 inches to please a woman And it doesn't matter if it's visa or MasterCard
Why do high school girls always travel in odd numbers? Because they can't evennn...
Who's the loneliest Mexican Juan
Mubarak would like everyone to know he's now available to oppress people at weddings and birthday parties.
Who wears robes, cuts off people's hands, and lives in the desert? Obi-Wan Kenobi.
I need a short joke about something being so loud.."This thing is so loud it..."
Ellen Pao's front teeth
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
If you're ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[mob about to stone a sinner] JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. [mob drops rocks] JESUS: [picks up rock]
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. After all, if you can't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she won't tell your wife?
I'll get you socks and a dildo for your birthday. So if you don't like the socks, you can go fuck yourself
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.
as i guy, i sometimes pee while sitting usually only when the bus doesn't have a bathroom
My friend said he doesn't like pun jokes so I told him ten of my favorite puns to see how many would make him laugh But no pun in ten did.
I'd probably die of starvation in England I heard that face sitting is illegal.
Whenever I tell dad jokes he laughs.
Why did the angry skeptic keep ignoring official reports about the eventual release of Half-Life 3? He was blowing off Steam
Tony the tiger has a sleeping problem. His teeth grate!
A woman at work got really angry with me when I... Politely held the door open for her. She must've been a feminist cos she got real mad and shouted at me "Do you mind I'm trying to take a shit! "
Why does 7 have an odd sense of humor? Because he abused when he was younger.. it's really quite sad.
What do Popeye's fingers smell like? Olive oil.
Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won't last long! "Honey, stop trying to sell the kids."
trampoline Back in the days in was called a jumpoline, but than your mama used it.
Apparently, Bill Cosby likes his women the way he likes his Jello Pudding... ...passed out cold.
Every so often I'll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Trump and Clinton both die in a plane crash. Who survives? America
A man walks into the head office of a click-bait news site... ...what happens next will shock you!!!
Sometimes things go from bad to worse back to bad then awful, rotten, pure sh1t to pathetic & back to bad which feels ok. Hang in there.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop!
Herb was diagnosed with cancer. It was a basil-cell carcinoma.
A big moron and a little moron were standing on the edge of a roof. Suddenly a gust of wind came and the big one fell off, but the little one didn't. Why? He was a little more on.
Lorena Bobbit and Jeffery Dahmer This is an old one... What did Jeff say to Lorena after she cut her husband's penis off? You gonna eat that?
Why do Eskimos have wide noses? Because they pick their nose with their gloves on.
So we're all thinking it by this point! Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
Women are like Wi-Fi. They're everywhere and no one will tell me the password
What makes mexican and black jokes so similar? Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
I wore a pedometer for a week. Good news -- I'm not a pedo.
Selling weed Get rich or high trying
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless" since then. People are pissed.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I'm sick of these people turning up at my door, telling me they're my saviours and if I don't listen I'll burn. Fucking firemen.
Lee Sin goes into a bar... the chairs, tables and the barmaid.
What do you call an epileptic in a garden? A seizure salad
What's the difference between a lima bean and a chickpea? I've never had a lima bean on my chest
So an atheist pastor, vegan butcher, and the presidential candidate Donald Trump walk into a bar...
"How dare you judge her size..." "The woman has had three children!" "For lunch?"
Why does Mexico do so poorly in the Olympics? Because everybody who can run, jump, or swim is already in America.
Whats the difference between Elton John and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.
When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard? Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother.
What happens when you play a country song backwards? He finds his dog, his truck gets fixed, and his woman comes home.
I prefer F-1 over Nascar.... ...does that make me racist? -&amp;y
Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager. I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed.
What do you call a Tungsten Holmium compound with a Doctorate? Doctor WHo
Q: What happens if you cross a goldfish's brain with a dog? A: I don't know, but it's great at chasing submarines
How can you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber Ask them to pronounce 'Unionized'
I'm a gentleman, I never kiss and tell but yea, she sucked my dick.
Going to take my girlfriend out on a date to a Jewish restaurant. Hopefully it'll bring us kosher.
I can't wish my mom a Happy Mothers Day because she doesn't have Facebook.  \_()_/ 
SPOILERS: Finding Dory was just a Movie.... about her for getting home.
What do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram? Memory loss.
Get Married... Then you'll never have to make a simple decision alone again.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded... Beaver 2: dam
My neighbour is in the Guinness book of world records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.
Why doesn't santa have any children? 'cause he cums down the chimney
"I think I have split personalities", ......Said Steve, being frank.
My wife wanted me to lose weight, so I dropped 120 pounds But she got right back up again. She can take a hell of a punch, my wife.
Pluto is not a planet He's a dyslexic god
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know. When I turn on the light they're all gone.
Onions My friend told me that onions are the only edible plant that can make you cry. I bludgeoned his head with a watermelon.
Accidentally tweeted the typo "iLettuce" a few minutes ago and now Apple fans are lining up in front of my house.
Your mother is like a repost. No one wants or likes her, but almost everyone uses her.
What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime
Knock knock [OC] Who's there? Bloop Bloop who Gross! what did you eat?
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips
Being with a whore.... Is like sitting on a warm toilet seat. You didn't see the last guy leave, but you know someone was just there.
And then the lord said...... ...come forth and you shall be granted eternal life...But i came fifth and won a toaster instead! Which is cool because i did not have a toaster
What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys? A neck romancer.
A horse walks into a bar... "Why the long face?" asks the bartender... The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."
"I'm usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you'll find that I'll really open up." -Automatic sliding doors
What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater ? Warren !
My favorite quote. "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered."  *anonymous*
"She had a heart of gold." - autopsy report
is there a subreddit for paranoid people ? if so, how do I know it's real ?
Been in an accident? Know someone who's been in an accident? If not, call us & we'll come push you down the stairs or something.
"do you know why I pulled one over on you?" becau- wait what? "I'm not a real cop lol" haha nice! *pulls gun* "I am taking your car though"
How do you stop an Ethiopian tank with a gun? Shoot the people pushing it.
What do you call a matador who lost to the bull? A mat'o'gore.
Whenever I'm alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I'm a carrot.
Why was the girl at starbucks counting her coins in 3's? Because white girls cant even
Why did the Tumblr user get cut up on Halloween? She identified as pump-kin.
None of my boyfriends even know they're dating me.
A bunch of angry redditors get pissed because of...? (This joke?)
[GoT joke] A Stark, a Baratheon and a Lannister walk into an inn and everyone you love DIES!!
Is your food spicy Sir ? No smoke always comes out of my ears !
Sure, but when I pull men out of a hole in the ground it's called, "homoerotic necrophelia." Double standard, Chile.
How did Hitler like his juice? Concentrated
Whats the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock up your mom's ass
My grandpa says, "Comedians are too dark and don't tell set-up punchline jokes anymore." So, a suicidal teen walks into a car.
5 years ago, I asked the love of my life on a date. Yesterday, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. Posted this on r/funny and was told to post it here also.
"This is wrong on sooo many levels" I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church... "You can't be here" says the pastor The Higgs Boson particle responds "But with out me, how can you have mass?!"
7yo: Why can't I have coffee? Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A coyote was singing and asked a donkey to join The donkey responded, "I would love to, but I'm a little hoarse."
Why is Daniel Radcliffe celebrated and worshiped in Judaism? Because he's the only one who escaped the chamber.
Hey, I have a good joke about pussy Oh wait... you might not get it...
Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend ? They were both driving their cars at the time !
*Pulls your panties to the side* *Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*
The four most beautiful words in our common language: "I told you so."
Look ma, no hands. I was caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia :(
I wish I was black I'll never be the first anything now.
My friend and I were hiking... Me: "That's a huge rock over there!" Him: "Boulder." Me: **"That's a huge rock over there!"**
"Hey were you born on a highway?" Kevin asked. Kevin continued, "Because that's where accidents happen."
What did the constipated maths teacher do when he got stuck? got a pencil and worked it out.
I went to sign up for tumblr today. I was really surprised that there wasn't a box where I had to check my privilege.
What is the difference between black, morbid and brutal humor? Black humor - 12 children in one trash can Morbid humor - 1 children in 12 trash cans Brutal humor - 12 trash cans in one children
I like my women like I like my golf game Around 80 and handicapped.
Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said "hentai" to work knowing his boss couldn't write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is
Whats the difference between a priest and acne? One waits till you're 14 before coming on your face.
It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.
Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.
What's the hardest part of a cabbage to eat? The wheelchair.
Who is William Shatner's mythical nemesis? The Lepre-khaaaaannnnn!!!!!
My local dollar store burned down Over $3000 worth of merchandise was lost
I don't know how to do my own taxes or understand how the stock market works, but definitely listen to my political opinions on everything
Most people know why 6 was afraid of 7 (because 7 ate 9)....but why was 5 afraid of 7? Because six, seven ate.
Why do bad farmers make good DJs? Because they've got sick beets!
(real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants. He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them.
What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? "I made you breakfast in bed!"
I can not stand the new style with hip hop music, they say one word then repeat it a dozen times. It is so freakin annoying and lame lame lame lame lame.
The Brazil v Germany game last night... ...the most embarrassing semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain with the wife.
What do white supremacists send their toddlers to before kindergarten? Pre-KKK
[GOP Debate] MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat? CRUZ: what? MODERATOR: I knew it!
What's green and has 4 wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What do you call a fat Asian? moo-lan
What's on a gangster artist's t-shirt? Still Life.
Asian airlines offer new deal to customers... Pay only upon arrival!
There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
ME: Pet it OPTIMUS PRIME: But I'm afraid of it ME: It's just a dog OP: Oh..ok [reaches out] DOG: [sneezes] OP: [transforms into large truck]
So I was driving down the road one day, and somebody threw a lump of cheese at me... and I thought to myself, that's not very mature...
Chivalry I want to name my child Chivalry. Because I am not good and taking care of children. So no one will be suprised when I say Chivalry is dead.
If you eat Skittles while drinking NyQuil, you can taste the rainbows on Pluto.
The Jerk Store called... and they're running out of you! (thought about this joke all day)
What do you call a red-head ninja? A ginja.
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
BREAKING: A Tiny Fortune Teller Has Robbed a Bank And Is Now On The Loose! The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it, but they'll get fired if they eat it!
Never have sex at an Olive Garden. Because when you're there, you're family.
What molecule has the best sense of humor? A helium polymer. HeHeHeHeHe
Why are gay men so good at holding their breath? There isnt a lot of air in a closet
someone should create huge peanuts so elephants don't have to take so long to eat and therefore have more time to reflect on being awesome
Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Remember the guy who got last place in the distance ejaculation contest last year? You should see him now, he's really came a long way since then.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Two windmills walk into a bar... They had a good moment. ___________________________ Hopefully there's some engineering joke lovers out there :)
Why do proctologists like Facebook? It's another chance to look up old friends.
What's a paedophile's favourite musical scale? A minor
What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack? The babies in my nutsack are still living.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police? Because he needed *arrest*!!!
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Whats the difference between toast and Frenchmen? You can make soldiers out of toast.
Hey guys, I invented a new word! Plagiarism.
CAUTION: Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name "WIFE". Never save it as "Wife 1" & "Wife 2".
What do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand . . . cuatro cinco
[1st time buying drugs] Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas* Me: hell ya
Why do people find Anne Frank so attractive? Because she is smoking hot
A man walks into a zoo only to find out the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go.
Why was Muhammad a successful merchant? Because he was god's profit.
Doctor Doctor I keep seeing an  insect spinning around. Don't worry it's just a bug that's going around !doc
What do you call a missing psychic midget? A small medium at large.
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
Don't tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Green What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger
If "Precious" is based on the novel by Sapphire, "Twilight" is based on the catalog by Abercrombie & Fitch
Look iPhone, if I wanted to be constantly be corrected today, I would have stayed home with my wife
What do Taylor Swift and Avada Kedavra have in common? They'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar.
In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I swallowed a live bee the other day It turned into quite an intra-sting situation.
In April of 1620, it rained. That same year, the Pilgrims arrived. I suppose the saying is true. April showers bring Mayflowers.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Suck his dick.
My ex has become so poor whenever i call her she always says "please,leave me a loan"
People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.
Definition: Coffin What they carry you offin.
El Chapo is a very special guy... He's juan of a kind
I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down... and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.
What does Donald Trump call the space between his balls and his butthole? The Bridge. It connects his courage to his ideas.
The UK is horrified by even the slightest glaze of snowy weather. I ordered a bowl of Frosted Flakes this morning and they closed the roads.
What starts with "c" and ends with "unt" cunt.
If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me.
There are three kinds of people on earth Those who can count to three and those who can't !
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.
My celebrity status application was denied Because I marked "no" in the section saying "I support clobbering women"
Why did Hitler commit suicide ? Because he couldn't pay the gas bill
Fred: My mum's having a new baby. Drew: What's wrong with the old one?
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside"  sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.
Why are Ford cars so popular? Because they are affordable.
Did you hear about the farmer who's wife left him? She left him a "John Deere" letter
What did the hookers left leg say to the right leg? Between you and me, we can make a lot of money.
No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.
Why did the gay guy cross the road? I'll let you know when I get to the other side.
how many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but they'll give 'em four credits for it.
I walked up to a lady and asked... ..."Can I smell your feet?" "No." "Oh," I said, "Must be your pussy I smell then."
Did you hear about the underwater snooker player? He was a pool shark!
What shakes at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
Therapist: Alright, let's start at the beginning Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn't born a centaur
I just went to see a presentation by a very charismatic frog. He was riveting.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to  screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017 but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Don't buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Two flies are arguing on a toilet seat when... One gets pissed off! (sorry!)
Why did the chiropractor have trouble waiting behind people? Because he didn't know what alignment. I hope this one cracks you up!
NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter. I call bullshit. After logging on, most of us aren't motivated enough to get dressed
Guy walks into a doctors office.. Guy walks into a doctor's office, wearing nothing but saran wrap. The doctor looked at him and said "Clearly, I can see your nuts." (Buddum-bum)
Did you hear about the man who was frozen to absolute zero? He's 0k now
Did you hear the news about the CEO of Ford? He was seen with an escort...
Right now, several billion people aren't dating you. How rude is that?
I don't always eat breakfast... But when I do, I prefer "dos eggies."
What does a balding man and a tortoise have in common? Hare loss.
How do you take the letter "f" out of the word "way"? There is no f in way
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
There were two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other... Can you smell Carrots?
I read the symptoms for being a hypochondriac... AND I HAVE ALMOST ALL OF THEM!!!!!
Boomerang I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away ?
I met a Slavic feminist once. She told me to Czech my privilege.
If I had to pick between being a hardcore Democrat and being a hardcore Republican I would definitely choose a noose.
Which Dinosaurs love electricity? Bulbasaurs
I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.
Failed Hallmark card: I'm sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me. I thought you were going to take my taco.
Obama The Dark Knight (2008) The Dark Knight Rises (2012) Congratulations, Barack Obama.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
To enjoy gossip you really need to have a sense of rumour.
Do the stupid crap you're going to do soon cause in a few weeks, when forced to explain, you can end by saying, "but that was last year."
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Eh, it works better if you tell it out loud, but you get the ... eye-dea.
"haha this costume party is great" "sir PLEASE get off the table" "cool librarian costume" *sprays silly string* "hey dude nice police costu
It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room He said: "Thank you." I said: "Don't mention it."
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today. "I'll do anything for 3 points" he said when questioned.
The Vatican has dispelled rumors that the Pope is resigning because he's a pedophile. They claim he just got a little behind at work.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his  children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
[Spain, 1578] "I'm not a witch!" But all the cats? "My pets!" The broom? "For cleaning!" The cauldron of boiling children? "Ok I'm a witch."
A vandal smashed a hole in the strip club wall. The police are looking into it.
How did the homeless man get so buff? Because his workouts were in tents. I'll show myself out...
I like my women how I like my lightbulbs... ...not too bright, easy to turn on, and hanging in my basement by a wire.
What is Atheism? A non-prophet organization.
People say that you should drink white wine with fish.. It's not correct. People shouldn't drink with fishes.
Father: Son at your age Winston Churchill used  be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..  Son: Dad at your age he had become the Prime Minister of England.
Next time somebody calls your home phone... Say "Can I call you back? I'm driving."
My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold them.
What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper
A Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket ...and says "some asshole's got my pen"
What would you call a store that sold only mints and gum? Bad Breath and Beyond.
A joke about sword fighting I thought I invented a joke about sword fighting, but turns out it's just a riposte.
My friend is selling me some old French guns... Thieve never been used but they were dropped once.
Heart attack When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades.
Q: Why are Republicans always so strung up about 9/11? A: Elephants never forget.
Crazy sister put: "I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly" on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Knock knock. Whose there? Doctor. Doctor who? Oh. You watch that show too?
Which fast food joint is a euphemism for female masturbation? Jack in the box. (Jackin the box)
What do you call an Ewok who just ate pancakes? A sticky Wicket.
I'm not insulting you.. I'm describing you..
Why couldn't the drunk make it as a lawyer? He couldn't pass the bar.
"If I write something completely creepy under a girl's Facebook photo, maybe it WON'T be creepy if I end it with 'lol.'" -guy logic
Q: Why did the boy drop his ice cream? A: He was hit by a bus
So, if someone who works for the Postal Service did an AMA and answered every single question... ...does that mean OP delivered?
I would tell you a pizza joke... ...but it's too cheesy.
*goes to watch youtube vid* BUFFER well okay *lifts weights* *checks again* BUFFER *does steroids* BUFFER "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME"
Her: Eckspecially. Me: *walks away*
What "D" (dimension) should Marilyn Monroe's movies always be shown in ? Blon-D
Why do black men smell bad? Because prison showers aren't very good...
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
Three part joke Why did the kid fall out of the tree? I shot him Why did the second kid fall out? I stapled them together Why did the third kid fall out? Peer pressure
My grandmother treats me like a rock star By that I mean she lets me sign her tits
What's the best thing about being a meth addict? Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas!
I can't believe all of this violence and rioting is happening... ... all because Craig Ferguson is leaving his show.
I had to nickname my dick... (NSFW) SunnyD, because kids love it!
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my fucking dick in your ass
[NSFW] Do you know what really brings out the child in me? A miscarriage.
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today... I had to drop the bomb two or three times for her to get the message though.
If Killing someone else is homicide... ... and killing yourself is suicide. Then killing your mother-in-law must be pesticide.
Some mornings I wake up bitchy... Other mornings I let her sleep.
How many Freemasons does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a secret!
I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife. He said that's not how a divorce works.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I'm not keepin some commie cat
I sexually identify as a mosquito... ... Because everyone wants to smash me.
Sometimes a person is completely out of the picture but you just can't let go of the frame.
I added Paul Walker on Xbox, but he spends all his time on the dashboard.
We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can't even talk! ~Pessimist Prime.
What is David Bowie's favourite energy drink? Redbull Redbull
Dog: Me: Dog: Me: Dog: *spits out pill* Me: DAMMIT!
*SEXIST* If the man's bathrooms on the left, where is the woman's... Even further left because they HAVE NO RIGHTS!
Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hockey Barbie ...comes with hockey stick and missing teeth
Why couldn't Mario ever watch Netflix with Peach? Because the princess was always on another Castle.
Why is Reddit the best place for freedom of speech? [removed]
What do dads and grammar Nazis have in common? They're not there.
Yo Momma so dumb she tried to climb mountain dew and thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at Hardees.
whats worse then ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants
Have you worked at McDonalds? I have. I got fired not long ago. My boss was a clown.
Me: what make of dog is that? Her: breed Me [hands on knees]: I am, I'm just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
What sex position makes an ugly baby? Go ask your mom
I used to be in a band called The Prevention... We were better than the Cure.
son: why is my name jesus dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel other son: &me? dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Why did the chicken cross the road To see the ugly man. Knock knock Who's there? The chicken.
Ford Ibble A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?" I said, "It has to be affordable" He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."
Know what's the best part about my supervisor having an identical twin? I get to watch him die twice.
I hate proof reading. I like to think that whatever I wrote the first time around is already perefct.
What do you call an arrogant criminal falling down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
Why are turds tapered on the ends? so your asshole doesn't slam shut
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
I'm usually exited for winter... But then I get cold feet.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they're out of earshot.
Capture the viva la Flag I will try to upload one each day. Just look for johnfromnorway https://i.imgur.com/j1poxyK.jpg
Whose the most vague person in the Military ? General Direction.
Brought Turkey home from the deli and my wife yells "I asked for Ham!" Sorry, wrong sub.
What is a pirate's favorite fast food joint? Aaaaarby
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "See you next month!"
How do you congratulate the guy who won the best tie contest? You tell him... "that's definitely a win sir". Or if he did ok you can say you half win sir i suppose. :/
[ Boyfriend walks into the room ] Well, well, well....if it isn't the boy who tried to break up with me in a dream last night.
What do you get when you cross a chief with a black belt? Kung Food!
It smells like up-dog in here.
What kind of weather puts a smile on snoop dogg' face? Drizzle.. my nizzle
Person: you only live once Me: that is the best news I've heard all day
You guys wanna hear a dirty story..... A horse fell in the mud.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino.
Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie. He should've watched the trailer.
What's the difference between a nail and a painting? It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
Don't go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they call me ugly and poor.
Why don't Mexicans blow their noses? So that they have something to pick in the off-season.
Today would have been my moms 50th birthday... but she was born in January.
And now I remember why I don't trust toilets at service stations..... ....they're usually full of shit.
I used to rub my hair together when I was stressed... But now I'm dreading the consequences.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I'm going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
What's the difference between Jewish people and Harry Potter? Harry can survive the Chamber.
If the pen is mightier than the sword... ... Then why do actions speak louder than words?
My son's soccer coach just said, "You can't spell "triumph" without 'try,'" and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Stalker status update: Good news-I'm not in your house. The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
You know what a vegetarian will never get? A Spam.
What's the difference between me and a cardboard box? A cardboard box isn't always empty on the inside. :(
Life is like a bicycle A black will probably take it.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going" -Me, every time I drink
Men don't know what it's like to give birth but women don't know what it's like to have children you may not be aware of. Let's call it even
Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
The number of times you've found a hair in your food is not nearly as scary as the number of times you haven't.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
If you're class of 2020.... then you must have a vision for the future.
Artists can often be compared to a parabola After they compose, they decompose.
What would I be if I doubled myself? Meme
What do you call a bovine that won't leave Egypt? MOO-barak!
All I'm saying is if you don't want me to walk into the women's restroom put words not pictures on the doors...
Why Can't the Guy Addicted to Brake Fluid Quit? He couldn't stop.
I'm a lying birch Username checks out.
How do you make holy water? You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.
Those days I only knew six words if you count muther fucker as two.
Never look down on anyone. Unless you're a lion cub named Simba and you're being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.
Someone told me: You shouldn't fall in love because you might get hurt.... I said yeah: And you shouldn't fuckin live because you might die..
What do you get if you cross a zebra  with an ape man? Tarzan stripes forever.
Chemistry Just saw a chemistry pun. I'd try to tell one myself, but all the good ones argon.
Having kids means you'll have a lot of interrupted conversa--
A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards. A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.
[at therapist] I don't know, sometimes I just feel invisible Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Your Momma is so stupid she put sand paper on the bottom of her wheelchair, talk'n bout she a ruff rider.
What do romantic fish sing to each other?  Salmon-chanted evening !
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If you have bladder problems. Urine trouble.
How many martial artists does it taek to change a lightbulb? It only taek won do change a lightbulb.
I'll have whatever Steve Buscemi isn't having.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what'd i do last night? [sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model... They hired me as the "before" picture.
A dolphin walks into a bar. Impossible, dolphins don't have legs.
My bf thinks I'm obsessed with Linkin Park so he broke up with me... But in the end, it doesn't even matter
My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard... It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!
Whats the difference between vaginal and anal sex? The vaginal sex can make your day, but anal sex will definitely make your hole weak.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
I don't have a girlfriend.. I just know someone that would be really mad if they ever heard me say that
Wanna hear a dirty joke? dust funnies
What did the Melon King say to the two young melons in love? They can't-elope.
What does a skeptic chemist say when he hears a baseless argument? No lye?
A programmer's wife sends him to the store for a loaf of bread. On his way out she adds, "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". He returns home with 12 loaves of bread.
There's this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi......ok it's me.
Why did the spy cross the road? Because he was never on your side.
A flamingo, a duck, and a lawyer... Q: What can a flamingo do that a duck can't that a lawyer should? A: Stick its bill up its ass.
What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four
A boy walks in on his two parents having sex. He walks out of a threesome.
What did O say to Q? Dude, your dick's hanging out.
Hereditary Irritable Bowel Syndrome Runs in the family.
I just became a Catholic recently... I still don't understand why we have to keep sitting down, standing up and kneeling. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet] *updates social media with selfie* Bring food, No weirdos.
What comes after 69? mouthwash.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
you are so beautiful without makeup. -my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn't really Royalty.
I went to an orgy for squares and was confused by their one weird rule. Don't fuck around!
An asian with an STD he can't cure is herpress.
What do you call hiding in a Michael Bay movie? Kabamouflage
Man says to wife "what would you do if I won the lottery" Wife  "take half and leave your ass" Husband "good, I won 12 bucks here is 6, now get the hell out.
What do you call a man who sells clockwork toys? A Wind-up Merchant.
My Mom is a great travel agent if you're looking to take a Guilt Trip down Memory Lane.
Did you hear about the guy that was accused of using his boss's hand soap as lube for masturbating? He came clean.
"WHAT DO WE WANT?" "A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN'T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?" ... "shit"
What do you call Venus Williams' collection of Pokemon? The 'mons of Venus.
My dad wanted me to play soccer So I kicked him in the crotch. He asked, "Why did you do that?" I replied,"That's what you're supposed to do in soccer, right? Kick balls?"
A man had his left arm and leg removed. He's all right now.
Puppies and books Easy to pick one but very difficult put down!
True procrastination is a lost art Those who completely mastered it's practice never got around to teaching anyone else their secrets.
People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian well nobody is laughing now
Dad Joke: People said the USA would have a black president when pigs fly. Swine Flu.
What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common? Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...
An British man, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar The Irishman says 'Hey, is this some kind of joke?'
How do you make a racing snail faster? I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.
What Do the Joker and 60,000,000 people have in common? They just wanna watch the world burn
Why did the robot get detention? Because he was accused of Boolean.
No more gay jokes. Cum on guys.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her.
Why Donald Trump doesn't ask money from people? Who can give a small donation of one million dollars?
Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread
What's the big deal? Gay people could always get married. Just not to each other.
I'm a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that - what? Yes, I'll have fries.
So I was going down on my girlfriend... ...When I tasted horse semen. I then screamed "So grandma! That's how you died!"
What noise annoys a noisy oyster? A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster.
Q: What does a wicked chicken lay? A: Deviled eggs.
Proof: Hillary Clinton Will Be A Great President "She doesn't suck."-Bill Clinton
Did you know... If you put your ear up to a woman's vagina, you can actually hear her scream, "what the fuck are you doing?"
*Looks left* *Looks right* *Crosses road* *Gets run over by chicken*
I said to my GF "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!
Who is the biggest prostitute alive? Mrs. Pacman. For 25 cents she'll swallow balls until she dies.
What did 50 Cent say when Dr. Dre gave him a sweater? "Gee, you knit?"
Why are the Irish considered lucky? It's because they're always drunk as hell.
my life is all about getting strong and powerful and then marching on down to hell to challenge satan for the throne
I'm really good at wrapping presents. It's a gift.
Whats The Diffrence Between A Fridge And A Child The fridge Doesnt Care If You Stick You're Meat In It
Why do bees buzz ? Because they can't whistle !
30% of Satan's workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Looking for a book club where you have to discuss the same one every week? Try organized religion!
Bend over, little fairy... ...a wish is a wish.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*Air horn sound* *Second airhorn sound* Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant."
On a scale of one to ten... ...you aren't getting a helpful measurement of your weight
What do Chinese monks eat? qis.
Why did the H kill himself? Because the G had.
[Duck support group] "After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day" *the other ducks nod sympathetically*
People  the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need  something from you.
"Hey, that shit looks fun. Don't do that." - religion
My first blow job was over 20 years ago now... And some days I wonder if that taste will ever go away?
I would tell you a joke about Jehovah witness But nobody likes Knock-Knock jokes, *Oops the title was meant to say "Jehovah witnesses"
I played Two Steps From Hell to my cat, and she became a lion. I played it to my son, he's still a disappointment.
Why did the biker decline an invitation to the rally? He was just two tired.
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for molesting a duck? He was suspected of Fowl Play
My Utahn grandpa's favorite joke: why should you always bring two Mormons with you when you go fishing? Because if you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.
I'm bringing sexy back. Apparently there was a misunderstanding and I never should have been allowed to purchase it in the first place.
Pulled a bird the other night... She begged me to give her 8 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her twice and punched in her in the kidneys.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution  of higher learning? A: A visitor.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead 911: did u murder him? BLACK WIDOW: uh 911: ma'am BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
1000 ip !! Hey summoners, Today I reached exactly 1000 ip. yours sincerely, Baqiwaqi
What did the ghost say to the other ghost at the Halloween party? Let's get sheet-faced!
My friend gave me his number and told me to hit him up. Now he's got two broken bones and a restraining order...
Why can't lions ever conquer the world? Because the pride comes before the fall.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
'You'll go to hell for that joke' *in Hell Me: What did you do? Hitler: Genocide, what did you do? Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.... We'll see about that
Never buy the first round cause that's when people care what they're drinking!
My wife is talking about wanting to have children. I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.
Whats wrong with four black people in a Cadillac driving off a cliff? The Cadillac seats five.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I'd like to bang you on the counter.
How much time did you spend on your hair before you took a selfie of your boobs?
Every.Bad.Thing.You.Ever.Did.[COMPILATION].1080p.HDTV.x264-TORRENT.torrent
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool so I decided to give him a glass of water.
What are 8 Nougat-Bits? One Nougat-Byte
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change anything
Had sex with my first bernie supporter the other day... I now feel the bern
I can always tell which waiters are just in it to make money and which are in it for the love of grossly exaggerating how hot plates are.
Allow me to translate: when NPR says "hip hop culture," they're talking about black people.
What do you call an Argentinian victim of grand theft auto? Carlos
there's no way leo dicaprio cares about winning an oscar as much as we care about imagining that SOMETHING torments a rich handsome actor
What does a baker say before he orgasms? I'm going to crumb! (   )
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
A mailman, a boy, and a unicorn walk into a bar. The woman gets a concussion, some stitches, and a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.
Where do graphic designers go for a drink? CGI Friday's
There are 10 kinds of people in the world... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Mosquito's are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
*Hires life coach* "Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!" *Fires life coach*
High Quality Poem Error 404 Your Haiku could not be found Try again later
*ring ring* Hello? "If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000" OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM "I won't if u-" Haha gotcha, leave a message
What do ghosts dress up as for Halloween? As John Cena because you can't see them.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
They say that Indian Cooks are a jack of all trades... But a master of naan. My girlfriend said this to me when we were getting indian food tonight.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
The Climate of New Zealand   Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?   Matthew: Very Cold, sir.   Teacher: Wrong.   Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
Spinach and Anal Sex What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have either as a child, you'll never enjoy them as an adult.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An alligator in a vest.
So I work with dogs Whenever they get unruly I just tell them they are adopted.
Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough. She keeps asking what I'm doing
I'd tell you a joke about my dick... But it's way too long.
"I'm not saying that the customer service in  my bank is bad but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn't even hallucinate one time.
When/why do feminists hate cannibals? When they make sandwiches, because they're man-spreading.
[walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again
My Muslim friend went on a Eurotrip this summer... Told me he had an absolute blast at every country he visited
TIFU by having the wrong teacher take my class for me while I was off Work. Whoops, wrong sub.
I don't usually sleep enough, but when I do, its still not enough.
How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
My uncle told me he only had three days left to live. So to cheer him up I stabbed him in the jugular vein... &amp;nbsp; He didn't get it.
Nerdy financial humor. You have been warned. I started showing more interest in one of my investments. It appreciated it.
I didn't use to like fungus but then it grew on me
Why was the strawberry sad? Because her mother was in a jam.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.
What does Chick-fil-A and their CEO have in common? Both hate when people stick beef between two buns.
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker with diarrhea? One has to shuck in between fits... the other has to fuck in between shits.
I'm opening a tennis themed bar... I'm calling it "First Come, First Served"
I googled 'Gary Oldman' and left off the 'r' It was the longest 3 hours of my life.
What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Very hungry.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
A man returns home only to find out all the lamps in his house were stolen He was delighted
My son is an embarrassment, I'm afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
What do you call breads ability to smell? ... Naan sense!
If I had a dollar for every time I had sex I'd be a cheap prostitute
So I heard the Brits have a new dating app It's called Kinder.
My mate just rang me in tears... His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob marley collection and the Satellite dish. Poor Bastard.. No woman, no sky...
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin'? I come to watc-- Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
&lt;&lt;BREAKING NEWS&gt;&gt; Apple has decided to cancel the children's iPod. Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name.
My muslim neighbour invited me to this 'jihad party' he organised Everyone had a blast!
Country music is like a vacuum. . . As soon as you turn it off it stops sucking.
What do you call a Nazi who is social and moves freely at a party? Josef Mengeling
I've been playing poker on Facebook. So far I've poked 113 women, but not a one of them have poked me back.
The driver &amp; Police Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
What do you call a Marshmallow eaten by Aliens? A Mars-mallow
9 out of 10 dentists recommend crest toothpaste... ...the 10th is in still in hiding for paying $50,000 for the right to murder a lion in Africa.
What do you call ham that feels better? Cured ham.
*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight* Wife: Can you imagine being that strong? Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.
Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack
My dyslexic girlfriend tries really hard but always ends up 96ing me.
What is red and bad for your teeth? Bricks
How do you sabotage a space mission ? Send Matt Damon
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it's the finish line of a marathon.
Why is the Computer D Drive always sad? D:
Why do black people love God so much? Because he's the only father that hasn't left them.
What do cannibals like to drink in the morning? A cup of Joe.
How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I'm certified to teach yoga now.
I make breakfast for my new boyfriend. "How do you like your eggs? I like mine *fertilised*."
Parents are worried about two things these days 1. What their sons download 2. What their daughters upload
What did the doctor say to the Mesothelioma patient? There's not much I can do, but I'll do asbestos I can!
Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.
Who was the blind horse jealous of? The seahorse.
What's a room full of saurkraut? Over-krauted.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully's face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
What is a stone's favourite Robbie Williams song? *Rock* DJ.
It's hard to find a good babysitter who doesn't mind being paid in heroin.
All I'm saying is if I'm not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick Especially since his name is Steve
GF just thought of the best name for a drink. The Vadge Liqueur. (Should I be concerned? This was totally random)
"Get me another beer, boy" "Dad I'm an adult. My name's Bobby" "It's time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B's in your name are silent"
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I'd secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.
Why is it called her "time of the month" and not "trouble in paradise?"
Winter- Pros: Chestnuts roasting. Cons: Deez nuts freezing.
a study shows that 40% of Japanese people have cataracts. the other 60% have Mitsubishi's edit: Mitsubishi to be said in best racist Japanese accent
Big testicle Is it weird that my one testicle is bigger than my other two?
My friend asked me if I was interested in a chess tournament. I said yes and he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman's tits.
What is the one riddle that everyone gives up? The riddle of life!
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense of humor... try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
What does a guy with a big dick have for breakfast? I figured you wouldn't know
Which rabbit is a famous comedian? Bob Hop.
Okay kids don't ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger's houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Sex is a dick activity... ...though I like to shorten it to a-dick-tive.
How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin? By looking over your shoulder.
Honestly sometimes I STILL think about how dope it is that I don't have any homework.
Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior? Yall nailed it.
Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
A zombie walks into a bar and the bartender says... "Get a life."
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls first guys says "man, I really wish I could do that!" seconds guy says "pet him real nice and he'll probably let you"
50 condoms A guy at the convenience store asked the cashier for 50 condoms. Two girls in line behind him started snickering, so he turned around, looked them dead in the eyes, and said, "Make it 52!"
What do you call a lesbian Pakistani? Minge eater
Meghan Trainor's business cards' must be pretty simple. Name: No Number: No Affiliation: No Contact address: No
Atoms are Liars... They make up everything.
"Hahahahaha, what a narcissist! This model's Instagram is so pathetic!" - me for 45 minutes while I scroll through all 700 of his photos
Who makes more money, a prostitute or a crack dealer? The prostitute, because they just wash their crack and sell it again.
Today's workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It's surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.
Q: What's blue and smells like red paint? A: Blue paint.
My Halloween costume this year: I'm gonna get drunk and make a space suit out of Bud Light boxes. When people ask who I'm supposed to be, I'll respond, "I'm Buzzed Lightbeer!"
Man who eat jeellybeans.... Farts in technicolor.
The average guy's response when asked if he does anal. Yeah, I'm in to that shit.
What's the difference between you and Dick Clark? At least that dick had a stroke. Thank you Hard times of RJ Berger
Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stops after three hos.
What is the difference between a blonde and a hen? The blonde doesn't sit still when she is on eggs.
Take that seed. Yes that one Burn it. Now crunch it up. More. Now pour this hot water on it. Let me drink that. It's good. Name it "coffee"
Beyonce: Ok now ladies let's get in formation. Ladies: Information about what? Beyonce: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Put peanut butter on it.
Marriage is the only legal way to trade cash for sex.
What state was JFK when he was assassinated? A horrible state
Did you guys see that documentary about the voice of Elmo? It's very "touching".
How to deal with anger and resentment toward someone: 1. Write down feelings and put message in a bottle 2. Break bottle over person's head
I'm the only child in my family. My mom said she learns from her mistakes.
no title no text
Here's a UPS joke Too late I rang the doorbell, but no one answered. Will redeliver tomorrow. No, you can't come pick it up.
Doctor doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live! Be with you in a minute
My friend phoned me up at three in the morning. He said, "Can you pick me up from the bar?" I said, "No mate, my arms aren't that long."
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip. To get to the same side.
How has Donald Trump managed to bankrupt so many casinos? He hits on anything twelve or higher.
My home pregnancy test came back negative. I guess my house is just getting fat.
People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion of this world is that people are used and things are loved.
when is the only time you want a white point guard? When your sister comes home and says "Im dating a point guard"
What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink? Wataaaah!
When it comes to broken digits, who can point a finger as to the cause?
How Germans does it take to change a light bulb? NEIN!
I finally figured out why a sneeze is the equivalent of 1/8th an orgasm... I could foresee something unpleasant and unavoidable, it's now over and I can get on with my day.
A blind man walks into a bar...
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday. Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
My daughter teaches me something every day. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes
What do you call a girl with a tight vagina from Hong Kong? A Chinese finger trap
If Finn hooks up with Rey... He'll be the first Stormtrooper ever to hit something!
Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well you've got it again!
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up mate, won't it start?"
What do you call a fish in orbit? Trouterspace.
when is it okay to punch a midget?(X-post fron r/meanjokes) When he stands next to your girlfriend and says that her hair smells nice.
Febreze commercial: "Now we remove her blindfold and..." *has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we'd still be talking about how we're not finding that airplane.
I just saw 2 blondes walk into a bar. You'd think after the first one did, the second one would have stopped.
Why You Shouldn't Drink Toilet Water There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water: Number 1. Number 2.
What do you call ill-mannered burst of strong wind in the desert? Darude Sandstorm.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times
Did you hear what happened to the blind circumcision doctor? He got the sack..
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
What did the Mexican firefighter call his two sons? Jose and Hose-B
Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was taken
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage* *Buys Magic 8 Ball* *Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Have you heard of the new sex scandal in the church? They're calling it Jesus fucking Christ
What is small, bald and wrinkled? Danny DeVito
My friend Gav died to die... after taking to many heart burn pills. I cant believe Gaviscon.
Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Brostache117, Penguin_Party12345, D3ATHfromAB0V3x and thewakingforce
Where would you find an algebraic Sailors hat? Indice
My friend and I are playing a game.. So my friend and I are currently playing a game. The person who is hated the most by the Reddit community loses. Well, to put it simply.. I just lost the game.
FACEBOOK asks me what I'm thinking, TWITTER asks me what I'm doing, FOURSQUARE asks me where I am. Conclusion: Internet is my girlfriend!
Why do the horses hate the jockey? Because he's a horse racist.
A black guy and a white guy were playing basketball in a jail. The black guy won. Do you want to know why? The black guy had home advantage. IM NOT A RACIST, PLS SENPAIS
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F
Why did Dr Facilier cross the road? He had friends on the other side.
Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees! "Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your panties!" Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.
A dude goes to the doctor , the doctor says "sir you have to stop masturbaiting " the patient asks why? The doctor goes "cause i'm trying to examine you"
What's the best angle to approach any challenge? Try-Angle.
I cant find my large stir fry pan It's like it just gets up and Woks away
I have a strong relationship with the flying spaghetti monster... ...but it's strained to say the least
what's the most gangsta cell phone you can buy? a 4G phone because it's for G's.
People with FB statuses like, "I'm so angry right now", then when someone says, "What's up?" they reply, "I'll text you." WHAT ABOUT US?
Where should you go if you lost a corner? To the Eagles, they can get corner-backs.
How many stones does it take to kill 3 birds? one.. one stone.
My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree. I just like the smell.
How are Clinton scandals like Pokemon? You'll never catch them all.
I posted a joke via USPS... ...not sure if it was their fault or mine, but the delivery of the punchline was completely botched.
If it helps, a lot of the awful ones are either married or gay, too.
Green tea reduces weight* *Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Women's magazine Page 14: accept yourself as you are Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[tells friend cat passed away] Is there anything I can do? Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap But I- [starts crying] OK OK
The Best Day Ever by Trudy Light
What's the difference between the Holocaust and this joke? The Holocaust was funny.
What's the difference between marmalade and jam? You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriends ass.
My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
*bride and groom kiss* minister: wow im like right here
Why don't Polish girls use vibrators? They're afraid of chipping their teeth.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a boat. The boat sinks. Who survives? America.
After 69 Q: What comes after 69? A: Mouthwash.
Do I speak German? Nein
Gift cards are another way of saying, don't spend this on dope.
Why is it better to date a woman with heavy thighs during the winter? Your ears stay warmer.
The Disturbing Reason Why the Chicken Crossed the Road Will Change Your Life Forever... ...It was good for traffic.
What's a slutty witch's favorite holiday? Swalloween!
My wife cooked ribs last night. I accidentally dropped one on the floor, but still picked it up and took a bite. She yelled, "that's disgusting!" I replied, "well, you're the one that cooked it!"
What did the Vietnamese architect say to the Chinese post man? CHING CHONG
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on viagra? His wife died.
I got a letter from my sister. She just had a baby. But she didn't say whether it's a boy or girl. So I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
How to describe the YouTube comment section They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists... But some, I assume, are good people.
Did you hear about the new cure for diarrhea? They're calling it "Gone-o-Rhea."
What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??
"i before me, excepts after we.." - gollum in elementary school
What did the man say after he was hit by the car? Nothing. He was dead.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators... All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.
I wish there was an emotional song about that moment you realize you're almost done with your burrito. Get on that, Taylor Swift.
"Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
A cryogenic experiment to freeze people at absolute zero just succeeded. I know because my friend took part in it. Don't worry, he's OK.
No child left behind! Act of 2001, The legislation was proposed by President George W. Bush Behind what? behind the Front line. . .
What is the difference between love and lust? Spiiting and swallowing.
The best jokes are the ones that have to be explained. Get it? Because that's the opposite of the truth, I was using sarcasm.
The key to wrapping presents is to think outside the box.
Don't make fun of a fat person with a lisp... ...they're probably thick and tired of it.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i "need to put my hospital gown on the right way"
To all my American friends: Happy hunger games... May the odds be ever in your favor.
I don't have a problem with idiots... I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to hold it in place and forty more to get drunk enough to make the room start spinning.
A man walks into a bar..... His alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
From a Christmas Cracker: What did the puppy say when it sat on sandpaper? Ruff
If Rob Ford was a duck what he would be smoking? Quack
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ari ! Ari who ? Arin't you glad you use Dial !
Did it hurt when you were circumcised? I don't remember the pain but I couldn't manage to walk for a year after.
I like my women like I like my presidents... Dead and illicit.
I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
What do you call it when Drake suicides? Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, jumpman
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption. Tomato, Tomahto Get in the van.
I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS ...and then begs you to let me in.
I get turned on by my Maths teacher... ... because she is the reciprocal of cosC
So Donald Duck was sent to rehab.. He had a big problem. He was addicted to quack.
"Hire me or I'll eat your family." -effective bear resume
I hate those p*nis enhancement emails. I got 10 today. What really hurt my feelings was 8 of them were from my girlfriend.
I got a pay rise in my job. At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there. I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.
its ok to feel weird in the grocery store. you are surrounded by stuff that is going to move through strangers bodies
Why don't cannibals like clowns? they taste funny!
What country do all cats wish to get their food from? Viet NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM
A Volvo runs over a Nokia... ... the world explodes.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
I'm sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
The Energizer Bunny stole the Morton's girl umbrella. It was assault with battery!
Girl on my kids hockey team is a real whore She even got two minutes for hooking.
When I die donate my body to science Science: No thanks we're good
Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in  your life.
Why did blonde open a fishcan in a shop? Because on top of it was written : Open here.
I asked for a ham and swiss, you gave me a meatball instead Woops, wrong sub.
What confuses a gay person? Seven
Splinter: Leo. Mikey: I'm Michelangelo. That's Leo. Donny: I'm Donatello. That's Leo. Leo: I thought I was Raphael. - Why they wear masks
While your honesty is refreshing, I am regretfully unable to accept your chat request, IWillDoYouAnally23.
If our body is made of cells, what's a picture made of? Pixels.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly. Thank you. I'll be here all night.
I'm really good in bed. When you compare it to how fucking awful I am out of it.
Boy: What's black slimy with hairy legs and eyes on stalks? Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about what's in the tin.
What did the mute man say to his father
What do you call a Hispanic guy's quest to get gender reassignment surgery? Manuel Trans Mission
Why did the DJ consider himself to be a part of the LGBTQ community? Because he was transitioning.
Get-rich-quick schemes rarely make much cents
*wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!
I want to become a waiter so I can hear a lot of people say "Ish reaahy ghuud."
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now. Overall productivity level remains steady.
Mary had a little lamb, little beef, little ham, tacos, burritos, cream,cheetos,chocolate cake. Her waist was wide as whoah!
I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in Steam.
Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits." Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn't mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
A woman was arrested yesterday for injecting her 8 year daughter with botox before a beauty pageant The child did not look surprised
A whale walks into a bar and sits down. Then your mom orders a drink.
What do you call it when a group of people in a single vehicle travel through a lengthy underpass? Carpool tunnel!
It would be cheaper if they used oak instead of silicone in boob jobs.. Wooden tit?
I thought about making a cripple joke... ... but it would be lame.
Anything can be sexual If you think about it long and hard enough.
BLONDE LUCK A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."
Can you stop making holocaust jokes? My grandfather died in Auschwitz He fell out of a guard tower.
What's your dog's name? Icebreaker.
Your mother has the prettiest teeth I ever came across.
Who is the biggest singer right now? Ariana Grande
Based on pick up truck commercials, I really should be getting into the crumbled rock industry.
How do you measure the molar mass of guacamole? With Avocado's Constant.
Didja hear an LGBT singer just came out with a cover of that Santana Grammy-winner from a few years back? It's called "Brooth"
The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael They didn't have his sai's.
What do you call a counterfeit receipt for a memory consultant? A Freudilent slip.
Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you're doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!
What did the chef say when he was skipped in rotation? Hey that's my toque!!
Kanye West was found alive in his apartment today. Another sad day for the music industry in 2016.
I've started making jokes about sodium and potassium. I think I've finally got the NaK of it.
In a lesbian relationship who makes the sandwich? Neither. They both eat out!
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
When people tell me I'm a nerd for being good at math... ...I simply tell them that I'll add a knife to my hand, divide all their blood vessels, and subtract them from this world.
Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse... but it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom
Airline food is getting worse and worse The passengers on the Germanwings flight said it tasted like they were literally eating rocks.
Anal sex is a lot like broccoli. If you don't like it at home, you're really gonna hate it in the school cafeteria.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven? me: who all going?
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? "Oh sheet!"
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back? STENOGRAPHER: "I Did The Murder." JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Overheard: "I think that guy is listening to us."
What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim? Barack Obama is not a Jew. We think.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The real difference between Obama and Trump Obama makes jokes. Trump is a joke.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear, and she asks it.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" The bear responds: "No, I'm stuffed."
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans. *rimshot*
Knock Knock A: Knock Knock B: Who's there? A: Interrupting Dyslexic Cow B: Interrupting Dys-- A: OOOOOOOOOM!
How many senior medical consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity I just can't put it down
Why did the blonde move to California? To be a star on Broadway Creds to That 70's Show S04 E6
Wife: Don't you think the yard needs to be mowed? (from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house) Me: It looks fine to me
When I make math jokes, I try to appeal to the lowest common denominator... The problem is that with you lot I usually end up dividing by zero. /mathburn!
What's the difference between a normal woman and a witch? The spelling Teehee
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Life is like Facebook. People will like your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs
What did the double-amputee say when he stood up? "I stand corrected." -From /r/showerthoughts
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent's house.
Post your best one liner Mine: Excessive masterbation is often caused by hand-gina
Riddle, you see a guy You see a guy on the street talking to himself. What's his nationality? He's a Babylonian.
What do you call an anticlimactic punchline? "This is an actual question"
What's the first thing a 16 yr old, from Arkansas, says after sex? Get off me Pa you're crushing my Copenhagen!
-Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.
Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig? He knows a little ham goes a long way.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES
What do you call a pothead that murders? Stonedface killer.
Jesus walks into a bar and says "I'll just have water"
Today I got a good deal from Comcast.
What do Japanses pirates do? Fry pranes.
What car transmission do Mexicans use? Manuel.
"Neighbor"- person next door "Neigh! Brrrr!!" - cold horse :(
Knock knock. Who's there? Hakeem. Hakeem who? Hakeem in like a wrecking ball!!!
Next time you're swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it's a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun!
I cut my finger chopping cheese... I think that I may have grater problems.
What do men and hardwood flooring have in common? Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
An elephant steps on an ant hill and one ant climbs up to the elephant's neck; the rest of the colony screams: STRANGLE HIM ROLUNT!!!
What do you call a slut during the holidays? A Mistlehoe.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn't know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
What is a jockey's motto? Put your money where your mount is!
Why did the climate change denier oversleep? He wasn't worried about all that alarmism.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
How much does a dead battery cost? It's free of charge
Flappy bird is like the new angry bird except this time I am the angry one.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Did you hear about the constipated Jew? He couldn't shit.
cheap toilet paper. it isn't worth shit.
I tried to download an ATV. But it was a bit Buggy.
alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower
2 moderators walk into a bar and see this pedo [removed]
"You can't build your own man." They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Did you know people that often misspell have the same blood type? Type-O
I just killed a mosquito with a digital clock It was time for him to die.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik's Cube to solve it
Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
So, a baby seal walks into a club.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator...
I have so may gay friends... I can't keep them straight.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&amp;M factory? For throwing out all the w's.
A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is... "Don't put that on Facebook!"
BREAKING NEWS: Adrian Peterson has been traded to the Minnesota Twins They needed a switch hitter
Do you know why police dogs are called the K-9? Because if it were called the K-10, they would be police cats
I thought I'd just discovered a mass grave for snowmen Turns out it was just a field of carrots
I was going to photograph my food but then I ate it. I hope I don't get kicked off Instagram for that kind of behaviour.
Did you hear about the Oklahoma  idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name  it to reflect both races. So they called it Running Dummy.
What would you call Geralt of rivia if he had a sex change? The switcher
I know I'm being such a grammar Nazi, but it's "Jew-rats make me NAUSEATED," not "Jew-rats make me NAUSEOUS"
The enemy of my enemy of my enemy of my enemy of my enemy is Kevin Bacon.
Colo, the world's oldest gorilla died today... I guess her heart couldn't handle seeing a baboon about to be in office.
Pavlov That name rings a bell.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The future Someone asked me the other day if I could see where I would be in 5 years. Come on man, I wear glasses. I don't have 2020 vision.
When i was a kid we played football on a bit of grass at the bottom of the bridge where people often committed suicide... We used the jumpers for goalposts.
I'm sorry, your photo is so confusing. You're gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what's going on here.
When Bill Gates's life flashes before his eyes, I hope it appears as PowerPoint presentation that employs every cheesy transition & effect.
My friend claims he has a degree in blacksmithing... ... But everything he makes is forged.
If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.
Today I saw a dead baby ghost... Upon reflection, it might have been a handkerchief.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
Two drums and a cymbal fall of a cliff... ...ba-dum chhhhhhhhhhh
When professors with tenure need a quick snack Do they eat academia nuts?
Me and my girlfriend were on a cruise, listening to Bob Marley. She said he was Upboat.
You would have thought that someone would have invented hindsight sooner.
A man stood outside the senate yelling: "The government is stupid!" He got 10 years in prison for revealing national secrets.
Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Girl, you're like speeding in a construction zone... Double Fine
Breastfeeding your infant is important. But what about the wings and thighs? Should I just leave the whole KFC bucket in the crib?
Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur? Answer: Mega-sore-ass.
Last week I went golfing and finally beat my wife... Those are two separate things.
So I slept with a blind girl last night. She mentioned how big I was down there. I replied, 'you're pulling my leg!'
Why did the fish fall off it's bike? It's a fish.
A guy fell in stairs.. A guy fell in stairs &amp; got hurt, his friend told him "put ice where you got hurt", he took ice &amp; put it on the stairs.
I would love to go to the bar tonight but, people.
Did you hear about the snarky prisoner who smarted off to the guard on the elevator? He was a condescending con, descending.
Who delivers presents to the hood? Crip Cringle.
Poles put Clinton 7 points ahead of Trump But Polish citizens don't get to vote Edit: Minor text change
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto! You call him Roberto....
What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? A hobby horse.
Hey son, I know you're 5 years old and you think monsters are under your bed, so here's a gun, just start shooting if you hear anything
Very Funny Comedy @ My Church Night Vigil
If two vegetarians are fighting... Is it still considered "beef"?
What do you call a sad boner? Mourning Wood
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy.
You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally. Do it when you are offered food
Why does Michael Scott hate Hamlet? Toby or not Toby
What do you call a group of grandmothers making out with each other? A bunch of bi Nanas.
How to stop rape? With consent!
How do introverts feel within society? [removed]
What do you call a classical composer's butthole after a night of bad Mexican food? Taco Bell's Cannon
Hunting should only be legal if the animals are allowed to use weapons as well. I just want to see a bear with a sniper rifle.
It's cool that my girlfriend is willing to bear my child, but it would be way cooler if she gave birth to a bear.
My Jewish friend invited me to go to his camp. Fuck that.
My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She is using sighcology
Did you hear about the race between the two decapitated heads? I heard they were neck and neck
What is Donald Trump's favourite ice cream? Walls Vanilla Carte D'or - It's not Mexican! (*I am going to hell for this!)
Why did the chicken cross the road? "BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FUCKING COOK IT!" -Gordon Ramsay
I made a song about a tortilla Actually it's more of a wrap.
I like my women like I like my milk Rich, white, and 2% fat.
A terrorist made a post on reddit... Then he said "Well, I'm gonna see how's that gonna blow up in a few hours"
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color? He had reptile dysfunction.
Jason's wife Liane wanted something that in 6 seconds goes from 0-200.. So he bought her a bathroom scale. You're fat liane, don't sugar coat it. Because you'll just eat that too.
What did one triangle say to the other triangle about the square? Look out for that guy, he's got another side to him.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The size of a woman's bag is directly proportional to how crazy she is.
*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes... time to text some girls the word 'hey' and only the word 'hey'
I like my women like I like my peanut butter Chunky.
Can you see? I hate it when people ask what I will be doing in 5 years time? Sorry I just don't have 2020 vision
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Doctor: Nurse how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.
Rick Astley will lend you his Pixar collection... But he's never gonna give you Up.
Did you hear about the dyslexic baker who advertised a job vacancy? He got no customers because his sign said, "Looking for staff, a pie within."
Damn girl that's a very red bike. Are you a menstrual cyclist?
What did the digital clock say to it's Mother? "Look Ma, no hands!"
I thought /r/TwoXChromosomes was a mental retardation subreddit. The posts didn't convince me otherwise
YO' MAMA IS SO FAT... SIZES Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"
My Lecturer asked me why i was failing my class "Is it ignorance or apathy?", he said. Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.
What do you call two nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call two nuts on a chest? Chestnuts. What do you call two nuts on a chin? A good blowjob.
I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention. It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.
America! Where we celebrate mediocrity! 15 year olds should not be praised for losing 50 pounds while still being 300 plus...
Why can't you bring valve oil to the airport? Because its a band substance
I've always wondered what mothballs smelled like. But I could never get their tiny legs apart to find out.
How can you tell Sofia Vergara's children on the playground? They're the ones with stretch marks on their lips.
What's the difference between a school and an ISIS training camp? I don't know, i just fly the drone
If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell? Medicine.
I've been on Reddit for too long I've literally been browsing Reddit since last year...
They say two heads are better than one But sometimes I just don't need that much lettuce.
What's Keemstar's pornstar name? Creamstar.
If yesterday was May the Fourth be with you... I guess today is the revenge of the fifth
New Channels: Bin Laden dead That's ruined the game, what do we do now it's our turn to hide?
How many trans women does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but first they have to sit in the dark for a year and then get letters from two electricians giving them permission.
There was a gay man from Scoon Who took a lesbian up to his room, They sat on the bed, Then each of them said: "Now who does what and with which and to whom?"
The three unwritten rules for success and hapiness 1. 2. 3.
[Crime scene] Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was *takes off sunglasses* D: blunt force trauma
Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps... unless she's plotting your murder... then don't be that.
If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said... Some black guy would rob me...
I'm not Racist Because I'm not raciest because racism is a crime and crimes are for black people.
If it's any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
"Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?" - Mary Magdalene.
Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales
If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?
Kinda weird how much we're attracted to each other's genitals even though they're gross.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day Teach a man to fish, and pretty soon the fisheries will be collapsing.
Admit it.... Sometimes you just wish you could read your crushes mind to find out how they feel about you?
What doesn't belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob? Answer: blowjob You can beat your meat, eggs and wife but you cant beat a blowjob!
(Amazingly, an original joke!) Where will they put Deadmau5 when he dies? In a Mau5oleum!
How many Arabs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1.. 2.. 3.. BOOM
I save money on condoms by not getting laid.
I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I'm around 104 alcoholics
No one is more excited for today than Michael J. Fox... He's been shaking with anticipation for the last 25 years.
What happened to the witch with an upside down  nose? Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.
i won a latin grammy but i have no idea what to feed her and she's getting frustrated by the language barrier
I was riding my Vespa and nearly got hit by a Prius, that would have gone down in history as the gayest wreck EVER.
Who were the world's fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 2 minutes.
So a Higgs boson meets the Pope... "You can't have Mass without me."
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
Did you guys hear about the blind man who got hit in the head by a football? He never saw it coming.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don't understand Math.
Why can't zombies play the blues? Just feels like they don't put their soul in to it.
How did Helen Keller learn to masturbate? She was reading her lips.
1000 pounds of oranges. is a ton of oranges.
So this pirate walks into a bar and he has the ships wheel attached to his hips. The bar tender says, "wow that looks uncomfortable!" The pirate responds, "ARGH ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!"
My wife fave birth to our daughter yesterday. She was born with jaundice So there she was - small round and yellow. We called her *melon*-y
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'm going to need those back.
When do you know that your career has gone south? When you end up moving to South Korea, of course!
Why are homosexuals usually so pale? Because there's no light in the closet. P.S: No, I'm not homophobic.
Judge:You are sentenced to death. Judge: You'll be hung. Wife from down the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG! Me: Your Honor please uncuff me so I can high five my wife.
[gym] Trainer: You here to get cut? Me: Uhh no, I'm already circumcised and if that's covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill
What did the poor, unfortunate, paraplegic kid get for christmas? Cancer.
Why'd Sally fall off the swings? Cause she's got no arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on
What's the worst kind of tea? Emptea!
Jokes: ELI5-Pedophile
You'd think 'The Terminator' would know what to do in the event of some lady having a child that threatens your way of life.
I bought 10,000,000 dogecoin yesterday. It turns out jokes are pretty profitable.
What do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common? They both had a little Downey inside of them.
What brand of underwear do zombies wear? Haaaaaannnnnneeeeeessssss
A Lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar! The Barman says "I'm serving narnia"
Rule #0 of the Internet: Nothing you put online, even for a second, can ever be taken down. Drink that in and know it.
How do you make a tissue dance? By putting a little boogie in it!
What do you call a cow... What do you call a cow with three legs? *Tri-tip.* What do you call a cow with two legs? *Lean beef.* What do you call a cow with no legs? *Ground beef.*
2 blondes were walking along a beach when one said, "Look! A dead bird!" The other looked up.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer's name. "weighin' in at 182 lbs, 5'9", the ol' black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!"
How much does a rock weigh? One stone.
Have you heard about Marx's tomb? They say it's a Communist plot
Why are astrophysicists always nervous before they launch a new satellite? It can be a very Hubble-ing experience. These jokes may not be funny for you, but they are Fermi.
Once upon a time in india a american tourist came to saw tazmahal , he was astonished that indian are daily bathing didn't need a deodorant for hide the body odour, ,,, he is so jealous
Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a glass of Ribena? He was dragged away by a strong current.
Why is it so hard to get a comb from a bald man? Because they never part with them
Knock Knock? Who is there? Willis. Willis who? Willis d**k fit in your mouth?
What's the difference between a box of dead babys and a Lamborghini The Lamborghini isn't in my garage covered in a tarp
My gay friend rolled a joint for me. Fruit roll-up.
What is long and hard on a Newfie? Grade 1.
I like my coffee how I like my women.... Ground up and in the freezer. Edit - happy Halloween!
A Jewish son asks his dad for five dollars... The dad replies, "Four dollars?! What do you need three dollars for?!"
Do you know why George Washington 's father forgive him? Because Washington still holding the axe
What do you get when you mix an owl with a rooster? A cock who stays up all night.
When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If you're going to carry on a cell phone conversation in the men's room you can count on me to make HORRIBLE noises and flush every two seconds.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None......he "fell"
Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed? Because they finish each other's sentences
[NSFW] Excuse me, are you hungry? Good, because I'm fucking hungry tonight!
The girl in front of me sped up so I did too. She started to run, just like me. Then she yelled for help, me too. I wonder what we fled from
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Gay jokes are really not cool. Cum on guys.
I get my guns from a guy named T-Rex... He's a small arms dealer
[Supermarket] Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION Assistant: Aisle 7 Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let's go guys
Why is Mickeys dog named Pluto? Because hes not a planet.
Data plan Use your whole data plan every month. Remember that there are children in Africa with no data plan.
The KKK was a conservationist group. They just wanted to put the monkeys back in the trees.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I haven't got a Ferrari in my garage
Twilight werewolf Taylor Lautner turns 18 today. That makes him 126 in dog years so, unfortunately, we're going to have to put him to sleep.
School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're asian.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse!
I got a fitbit to get a sense for my activity level After a few days of wearing it, it asked if I was a tree
Why did Mother Nature trip the last day of summer? To make it Fall.
your dad wrote a letter to harambe his pen is out for harambe
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, "Samsung has had this feature for years".
So I visited Willy Wonka's chocolate factory the other day.. Yeah the snozberries really did taste like snozberries but the dingleberries tasted like shit!
How does Hitler like his Juice? From concentrate.
How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs? Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.
Anytime I fly over the exact spot a time zone changes, I yell "88 MILES PER HOUR!!!!"
Why did the jihadi hooker ask for advance payment from her clients? She blew them every time.
why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
Why don't lesbians make good cooks? They're always eating out.
What do you get if you cross a shark with a snowman? An empty playground
My wife pulled this one on me the other day My wife: you know Mona Lisa Me: yeah? My Wife: well before she met me she was just Lisa
How many psychiatrists does it... ...take to change a light bulb? 0, the light bulb has to want to change itself.
What Happened to the Man who Threw a Flaming Bag of Poo? He got turd degree burns.
What do you call one-tenth of a bell? A Decibell.
What's a Jewish dilemma? Free bacon. Let the downvotes rain down on me.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?! [flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere] me: Surprise!
Women shouldn't work outside the home. It's STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: I'm going bungee jumping Mom: y? Me: my friend John is Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you? Me: that's what I just told u
My date asked me if I smoked after sex. I told her "I dunno, I've never checked."
I got a new fridge today. It's pretty cool.
I think Trump might be the guy to turn the US around... But I fear his next move will be to bend it over.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
What do French people do when vacationing in Laos? They go swimming in Laotian
I use to have a soap addiction... But I'm clean now
So two muffins are in an oven And on says, "Gee, it's really hot in here." And the other muffin says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING A MUFFIN!"
Why are blood bank workers so good at correcting spelling mistakes? Because they see typos every day.
Dry humping is not an acceptable substitute for a hug.
Redditor and the Hooker . . . you won't *BELIEVE* what she told him! Keep the LPTs and give me my sixty dollars.
I feel I can empathise with Harambe a lot I too have been shot at whilst molesting kids
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
How often do I drink Blue Moon? Once in awhile.
What do you call a Knight that cuts beef? Sir Loin.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
i appreciate the song "the boys are back in town" because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?
What type of cheese can you see in a mirror? Halloumi! (Hello me)
What do you call an Italian Yeti? A Spaghyeti!
Every 3 seconds a woman has a baby Our mission is to find this woman and stop her.
No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
All dates are 'blind dates.' The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
this is my son Mason. yes like the shitty cheap mass produced jar. i named him that because its a good name for my underwhelming baby boy
If you were receiving a shipment of very rare, very special insects, would it be... Import Ant
A dickhead is talking to an asshole When suddenly they yell "OH SHIT!"
What's Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash? Jergen's lotion.
Why are Wendy's burgers so good? Because they don't cut corners.
Why is it a bad idea to snort cocaine out of someone's butthole? It's been tainted
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador! Woof
Sometimes I'll just eat a plain piece of bread for dinner, to you it might seem like a snack... but to me it's a wholemeal.
What did the Mexican carpeting salesman yell to promote his business? Underlay! Underlay!
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? Nobody pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I don't think I should get a brain transplant... But in the end I changed my mind.
A skeleton walks into a bar... And askes for a beer and a mop.
Why don't U2's lawyers ever make any money? All their work is pro Bono.
The teacher asked Jimmy "Why is your cat at school today, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am gonna eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Doctor Doctor you've taken out my  tonsils my adenoids my gall bladder my varicose veins and my  appendix but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you!
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants.
Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle. - My grandma.
What do you say to a feminist with no arms or legs? Nice tits, bitch!
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single
What do communists put in their soup? Soviet Onions.
I missed you with all my darts
What do you say to a feminist with no arms or legs? Nice tits, bitch.
What's the ugliest shape? An eyesoresceles triangle.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I'm obviously counting.
The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan !
What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in? A roundhouse.
Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really f**king good at it.
"You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you're at the gym when really you're out shopping" is the title of my autobiography.
I had a gay friend in high school... ...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, "Sorry. This relationship isn't working out. You should start seeing other moms."
Being a gentleman never goes out of style.
Q: how can you tell it is almost St. Patrick's day? A: Everyone is taking out their Paddy-o furniture.
Baby showers are so weird. It's like "hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system".
My brother said he's incontinent. Yeah, he said he's wet his pants in nearly every nation in the world.
A guy says to a girl "hey, can I smell your feet?" She says "NO!!" "Oh, it must be your pussy then."
A Korean walks into a bar and orders a drink The bartender looks him over and says, "Aren't you a Lee Ul-Yung to be drinking?"
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow? A: You look for the fresh prints! I'll show myself out y'all
"And then we'll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it." ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
A blonde gets an acceptance letter to Harvard .
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey team? A hockey team takes a shower after three periods.
Autocorrect changed "stranger" to "strangler" & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
accidentally called the guy at the oil change place "mom"
Why does T-Pain always look well rested? Because he is a NAPPY BOY!!!
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
What do you call a mollusc that's just short of consciousness? A Conch.
Did you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one.
I wasn't entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma's gravy recipe was very specific.
I eat so much bacon my friends gave me a nickname... Kermit the frog.
Why is Michael J. Fox better than a vibrator? You never have to buy batteries.
Few things are as consistently weird as the guy/girl handshake.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alda ! Alda who ? Alda time you knew who it was !
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the young boy? Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...
This joke is like a Jamaican barbershop... Dreadful
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other? Ilene. What if she is Chinese? Irene.
Is it solipsistic in here? or is it just me?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor's aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other's lawns.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 
How do you stop a 200 pound hamster from charging? Take away it's credit cards.
Two blonde girls... ...were driving to Disneyland. The sign said: Disneyland left. They started crying and headed home.
They say children are a gift from god. I'm totally wide-open to regifting.
What did the Redditor say when... What did Redditor say when asked why he failed his PSAT test? "TL;DR"
Why do fish always sing off key? You can't tuna fish.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers
My dad says I'm lazy, but he's wrong. I like work. I could watch it for hours.
Me: Do you love me? 13: Silence Husband: if you don't tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.
Ladies be careful, some of these guys don't want to get into your pants, they want to wear them.
What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat..."
What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian? A pair of jeans only has one fly on it
Why do women have legs for? To not leave a snail trail behind them.
Man gets his knob out at the supermarket Clerk sees it and says, "You're in the wrong place, the locksmith's is next door."
A blind guy walks into a bar... not a joke, this happens all the time.
According to the Bible, what company was the first car manufacturer? Honda. Because Jesus and his apostles were in one accord.
I'm so deep in the friend zone that she sends me nudes for approval before they go out to other guys.
Why do pigs run from medicine? They hate getting cured.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: "My Aunt Lydia."
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high? ME: Your guess is as good as mine I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans M: Ok I take that back
I'm starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I had doubts about buying a big metal cabinet with a locking door for my guns It turned out to be a safe purchase.
How many super sayen do you need to change a bulb ? Only one, but it take 4 episodes and Krilin died at the end.
Why are cows so horny? Cause they're always in the moo'd!
My dad is sadly hooked up to a life support machine. My mother says he is the most switched-on man in our town.
I just couldn't stop watching the video about mechanically joining metal... It was riveting.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" SO I'M GONNA BRING IT! *brings lunch to work*
What do you call two Mexican firefighters? Hose A and Hose B
What is Kathy Griffin's screen saver? Celebrity names dropping.
What did the dash say when he failed his exam? "I underscored."
Two people who like the same things will be good friends but two people who hate the same things will be best friends
Who's Boss? Boss is like a diaper always on your ass and full of Sh*t...!!
Just been reading how more people die from choking on sweets' packaging than the sweets themselves. Gums don't kill people, wrappers do.
How many Ferguson police does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just shoot the room for being black.
Thomas Jefferson on cable TV news: "The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers."
So a camel opened up an ice-cream parlor... he called it Dromedary Queen
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put "has dominion over bees"? ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My mother says I look just like an animal when I'm in the bath - a little bear.
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory De brie everywhere.
technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
How do you get a gay guy to have sex with a woman? Shit in her cunt.
Relation-SHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.
Broke my good sunglasses... But instead of buying new ones, I'm just gonna put Trump pictures where the lenses used to be. He seems to be far more polarizing than my Costas ever were.
I told my parents that I wanted to be a comedian for a living and they laughed at me I guess I'm off to a good start
I never reflect more on the terrible things I might have said or done than when you take longer than 10 minutes to text me back.
Donald Trump's Presidential Campaign
LPT: If your dentist has no painkillers, ask him for Helium. It will be hilarious when you scream.
What do you call an attractive person in a wheel chair? Hot wheels.
Two chemists walk into a bar... Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, " I'll have H2O too." The second one dies.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Silent
What do you call a Russian sex offender who is trying to quit smoking? A vape-ist
My doctor told me to stay away from transfats So I can't go on Tumblr
Sometimes I picture my wedding and other times I take off one pant leg stare into nothing for 15 minutes then take off the other leg
A growing number of parents are trying to force feed their children. Experts can offer no explanation. Citing, "Even Master Jedi use spoons."
I've been a dad for 5+ years now but I finally feel like I've really made it. This happened earlier today: Aaron: Dad, Michael's eating the wrapper! Me: Eating the wrapper?! That's Ludicrous!
The best curve on a girl is her smile...  Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass.
[New take on old classic] A priest, a lawyer, a saxophonist, a doctor, a telemarketer and a rabbi walk into a bar. "Ouch!"
Why was epsilon afraid of zeta? Because zeta ate a theta
What did the two oceans say to each-other? Nothing, they just waved.
Did you hear about the guy who smashed up a Chinese restaurant? They put him in jail for wonton destruction.
I used to think I was indecisive ... ... but now I'm not so sure.
What is the national bird of Afghanistan? The Boeing 757
The truth You'll never see a church with free wifi. I guess it's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, then why can't he fix my marriage
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10 Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!!! That's the best I've done so far.
He told me I was the "bee's knees". I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur's femur. Who doesn't love Zoboomafoo?
My brother's dying wish was to get a joke into the front page of reddit But it seems rude to post a photo of him now that he's dead.
[at checkout counter] Would ya like to donate $1 to- -No But you didn't let me finish -Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth? No -Then no
Receptionist at a sperm bank "Thanks for coming."
What do Mexican Zombies eat? Re-fried brains.
"Honey, I don't like how you look with these new glasses." "But I don't wear glasses.." "I know, but I do."
What did the chill pigeon say? coo. coo.
Knock Knock Joke Knock Knock, Who's there, King Tut, King Tut who? King-Tut-Key Fried Chicken
My gps got me lost today so I got angry and told it to go to hell. I just arrived at my mother in law's house.
England at the Rugby World Cup
I wish lucid dreaming was more controllable Not the duration of lucid dreaming but the destinations I visit. I'm tired of going to McDonalds at 2am
What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Pregnant
I just saw a tiny UFO putting crop circles in a black dude's cornrows.
My mom nearly had a stroke in a strip club last night..... But she couldn't quite reach.
Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear!
If we help Kurdistan attack ISIS... they could become WASWAS
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.
Your momma's so fat... she's diabetic.
What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime? Web Development.
What does a dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac think about at night? Is there really a dog. Dog lover joke.
Why does Barbie like Halloween? It's pump-ken time
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? Look for the Fresh Prince.
Why don't Episcopalians play chess? They don't know the difference between a bishop and a queen
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer: *WHACK!* and shouts "DAMN!" A bad skydiver: shouts "DAMN!" *WHACK*
You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
If you #Calexit-ers think you hate Trump NOW... Just wait until you have to foot the bill for the Californian extension of The Wall.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register
The Barenaked Ladies have been pulled from the rubble alive, following the Nepal Earthquake. Its been One Week.
If your phone gets lost and a noble soul returns it to you.. Its time to change your phone.
Can't they show a realistic anti-depressant commercial where the person spends all day on Twitter & they don't own any matching furniture
Sorry, page 2 of Google searches.
A joke from 1892 "...one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It's too human to go outside.
What do you call a Muslim who always makes mistakes? Errorist
I thought I'd lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself.
I tried gay phone sex last night, but I'm not sure I'm doing it right. I was the giver and it was the receiver.
e and i have an argument e says to i: get real i responds: be rational
My wife enrolled in a North Korean cooking school 2 years ago. "She must cook great Asian food by now." "Actually, they've only just covered the life and teachings of Kim Jong-il."
All the problems fade before a hangover
Did you hear the one about the girl with a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh? If you put your ear up next to it, you can smell the ocean.
A1 Use this punchline to create a weird, funny tone... "Listen, we need to sit down and have a long, hard, and possibly phallic conversation."
What should you buy if your hair falls out ? A good vacuum cleaner !
My dad used to say me "what ever you do, don't get killed like a pussy" and this comes from a man that died in his shed.
Did you hear about the time all GPS systems became self-aware? Things were taking unexpected turns.
At the teraphist: "Sometimes i just can't focus at work!" Patient: "that's fine, but we are here to talk about my problems."
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor* Wife walks in: "WHAT HAPPENED?" "A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house"
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
People always keep making jokes about how people died in the Holocaust, my grandpa died during the Holocaust. He fell off of a guard tower and broke his neck.
Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.
Women age like fine wines... The older they get, the harder they are to come by.
My boss wrote accidently wrote "Pantera" instead of "Panera" and now I'm dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.
*early humans discovering sleepiness* noooo!! what is this, im shutting down? dying??? *waking up later* wow, i love that. gonna do it a lot
Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. ..I'll show myself out.
I named my first dog "What". Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."
Have you guys ever tried Somali food ? Neither have they
I like my butter how I like my family In bread.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped.
This joke is the world most peaceful joke... Don't worry. It doesn't even have a punchline.
If I could make the ultimate scary animal, I'd make it hybrid with the head of a bear, bear claws, and the body of a bear.
What made Gandalf spend most of his time in the Shire at brothels? Love of the Halflings' queef.
Nobody's perfect! Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? A: "Nobody's perfect!"
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
I hope that Senator Franken runs for President in 2020 and picks Jill Stein as his running mate That'd be a real Franken/Stein ticket
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let's do it/Let's make people super nervous anytime we're in their personal space
Entered a blindfolded masturbation contest the other day... No idea where I came
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
How did the worlds strongest man get his title? He came in 1st, 2nd and 3rd in a masturbation contest.
Why did the doctor go on a ski trip alone? He was part of doctors without boarders .
I'm well known for my twice-baked potatoes. I can't get anything right the firstr time
What do crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common? They both feel great until you look down and realise you are gay.
I noticed my car making this odd rumbling noise I think it might have gas.
2016 It was a joke
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
How did Einstein prove you can break the law of relativity? He married his cousin.
What is Jasmine Tridevil's (girl with 3 boobs), favorite type of cake? Tres Leches!
My father had a stroke he's all right now.
Batman went to Penguin's bar and was given the wrong drink... Just ice was served.
[1st date] HER: So do you have any hobbies? SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor HER: What?! HIM: Just ventriloquism
What do your internal organs call their dating life? Their homie-hoe-status
it's impossible to own two weiner dogs because that's a paradachshund
I want a job cleaning mirrors... It's something I could really see myself doing.
I am opening a new restaurant... ...called "Whatever. I Don't Care". Gonna make a killing on date night.
Why did Tigger jump down the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
What did the American Chef say to the Asian Chef? Take a wok.
I identified a body yesterday. "That's a body!" I said.
What do u call a Jew? Jewish
*reads a note sombody put on my desk* [i heard u caught a cold! i hope it FLU away!] *drops note* what.. WAT IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE
I get irrationally angry when someone else is in the laundry room at the same time I am
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion He was outstanding in his field
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom! (This was my favourite joke when I was 8) :)
What do you do when a box kotex catches on fire? throw it on the ground and tampon it.
Her smile used to get me through a tough day. Now her smile just keeps me up all these sleepless nights...wondering...what is this b!tch up to???
I just got early access to the new Injustice: Mods among us.
Me: "Has anybody seen my henlay?" You: "what's a henlay?" Me: ".....eggs" :-,
When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes. Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour.
What do you call a chinese Jehovah's witness? Ding Dong
Password My pass is "incorrect" so when ever i forget my password it tells me your password is incorrect
I was gonna tell you all a joke about how I had to replace the wood holding up my fence... But I was afraid it is only a repost.
What did the miner say when he struck gold? Au, yeah!
My therapist says I should stop breaking into his house to tell him all my problems ... and also that he's not a therapist .
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
Once you learn about confirmation bias... ...you start seeing it everywhere!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment? Ma'am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Whats the difference between men in the Military and Cops Military only beat their wives part of the year.
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween confused? Because: 25 DEC == 31 OCT Merry Christmas Fellow Nerds! :)
Why is reddit called reddit Because everyone keeps reposting the same stuff.
What do you do if you're smoking weed in the walmart parking lot and you see a spaceman Park in it bruh
What do you find in a church's bathroom? Holy shit.
A man goes to a doctor for a check up. The doctor asks him if he has any sexually transmitted diseases. To which the man replied, "Yes. I have two children."
My wife was buried after her death. Also, during and right before.
A cheap concert 50 CENT starring Nickleback
What do you call people that you hate? Clouds, because once they are gone it's a beautiful day.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with the abominable snowman? A jumbo yeti.
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
A friend told me this one... Why did the cyclops close his school? Because he only had one pupil! The joke is that I have no friends
I just came in from ________ and boy are my ________ tired. Taco Bell, Bowels
Life is what happens when you're busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Answered the door in my bath robe today... Funny place for a door.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I'm a firm believer in the phrase "If you want something done right, do it yourself" That's why I masturbate.
What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema? Fancy a bite?
Did you hear about the college for dolphins? It was for educational porpoises only.
A man comes into a bar.... No, wait, it was a horse. So a man comes into a horse.
What time should you book dental appointments for? 2:30      (Tooth hurty!)
I found a stray cat. I looked at its collar and saw a phone number. I thought, "No wonder your family disowned you, you fucking slut."
Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
What do a three paragraph term paper and a 5'2" Mexican have in common? They're both short essays.
DON'T make this weird... (I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My prison name If I ever went to prison, my prison name would be The Mitochondria, because I'll be the powerhouse of the cells.
What is Harper Lee's favorite drink? Tequila mockingbird.
What do you call someone who doesn't like The Simpsons? A Homerphobe! LOL! Just made that up!
To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought, "You know, I bet I could make some kind of hot drink out of these things."... I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.
Your LinkedIn says you have a job but your snapchat says otherwise.
Dinner conversation: 10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island? Me: 1) You-- 10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I rang up a pizza shop and asked "do you deliver?" they repiled "no we do pizza".
So apparently they have to HIRE you to take off your shirt at Abercrombie
I'm going to open a sperm bank. I'll call it "Get a load of that guy"
Yo mama so fat Her shirt size has more x's than a 12 Year olds gamertag
What's the most flexible type of music group? An elastic band.
Why did the pedophile go to Walmart? He heard that boys pants were half off.
If I was a detective, my main suspect would always be the person who returns to the scene of the crime AND is eating a Klondike bar.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, "That's a strange color for a tree."
I told my doctor my penis was burning... To which he replied, "That just means someone is talking about it."
I started a band call 999 megabytes We haven't got a gig yet.
son you're getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own; bathing the cat for starters
Joke ##439057
Husband: Quick. What's this song? Me: Awful.
I hurt my back while cutting down a tree. Guess you could say I have lumber problems.
What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final? The referee
What's the longest word in English? smiles. Because there's a mile between both S.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.
Don't just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It's important to also watch some TV.
Two lizards are being chased by the police ... and one says to the other 'Lose the tail!'
Someone once said, there's safety in numbers.... Tell that to 6million Jews.. And a four man SS-squad.
Goodnight Moon, you albino m&m looking space-pebble garbage piece of shit
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. 'Dad, that's the first time' 'That's a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.' So I robbed a bank
What did the gay deer say while walking out of a bar? I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there!
How do you tell a transgender from a real woman? The quality of the sandwich.
What happens to Nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen
What did the drug test say to the addict? "URINE TROUBLE!"
How come squirrels get a pass to bury whatever they want in the park but the cops go crazy when I try to bury one tiny bloody knife?
Two black guys are taking a piss off a bridge... The first one says "damn this waters cold", the second guy says "yeah, deep too"
A guy never feels more like a pussy than when he's wearing a helmet while driving a motor scooter.
How do you make holy water? You boil the Hell out of it. My 12-year-old daughter claims to have invented this joke this weekend. I don't know if it's original or not.
[almost at the moon] Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG? Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.
What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth.
#NAME?
Two cows are standing peacefully on a hill. "Moo", pipes up the first cow. The second cow turns to her and says "BITCH, I WAS GONNA SAY THAT!"
Schrodinger's Hater gonna both hate and not hate.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe. - spider moms, probably
Physics Joke A photon walks into a hotel and the bellman says "can I help you with your bags?" And the photon replies, "no it's ok, I'm traveling light."
boy: i wished girls liked sports girl: i like sports boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm. So I peed on her
Lindt Chocolate are to make a new Chocolate bar to commemorate the terrorist attack on its cafe in Sydney It will be called allahu akBAR
What was Amanda Todds favorite cocktail? Sex on the bleach.
A baby mouse is out for a walk one day and sees a bat... He quickly runs home to his mother and says "Mummy! Mummy! I just saw an angel!"
The teacher asks little Timmy why he brought his cat into school... and he replied, " My daddy said to my mommy he's going to eat that pussy tonight!"
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Choked.
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing unless you're at a funeral.
There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion. But not many of them.
Why does no one want to work in the yard with a carpenter? Because they take a fence to that.
What do you call Zombie Japanese Chefs? the Woking Dead
Why do farmers put bells on cows? Because their horns dont work!
[Michael Bay directing] "WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK" Teacher: This is your son's 3rd grade play "Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS"
The birth of my own children didn't bring me half the joy many of you seem to experience when you point out my misspellings.
The New York Post asked dozens of comedians working in America to pick the funniest jokes they've heard in the past year - and compiled a list of 50 of the best.
They call it "PMS" because... Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I don't know. I feel like a zoo that specialized in morbidly obese animals would be a fun time but I've had a few drinks so I don't know.
Why is the vagina also called pussy? Because, when the chick gets aroused, it gets all sticky, like it has pus in it. Get it? Pus-sy.
A Roman walks into a bar.... ...Holds up two fingers and says "five beers please".
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children? Want to buy a piece of candy.
I'm very serious about my cereal. I'm all about that Life.
How do you titilate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot.
Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.
If you plan a surprise party for me, I'll freak out that you mixed friends from all the separate facets of my life, and start killing people
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children? Want to buy a piece of candy?
Teacher: Where is the English Channel? Student: I don't know, my tv doesn't pick it up
If your boyfriend doesn't buy you chocolates today, it's probably because he thinks you're fat.
I wonder if I could fit my entire body inside a woman's. Through her mouth. Penis-first.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name's Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Question in a Soviet radio. "What is your favorite historic figure and why Lenin?"
I knew that wouldn't flush when I ate it.
What is the difference between a Poodle and a Pitbull? If the Pitbull starts humping your leg he gets to finish.
The one redeeming thing about wearing a Women's Size 10 shoe is that everyone naturally assumes my dick is enormous.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme
What's the difference between a paedophile and a roller coaster? You have to be a over 5ft to ride a roller coaster
"Boy, when I was your age I used to walk fifteen miles to school." "Oh, is that why you didn't graduate"
Hey girl, are you a tube of Pringles? Because my whole fist is stuck inside of you
What do you call kids born in whorehouses? brothel sprouts!
Pretty disappointed to find out HGTV doesn't stand for Hugh Grant TV
Some men are born to greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Me? I like waffles.
me: I'm tired Medieval Physician: Ok I'm gonna cut you open to drain your blood me: Maybe I could rest MP: haha no I'm cutting your veins
At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours.
iPad Apple will be unveiling a larger iPad. Proctor &amp; Gamble is set to file suit over trademark infringements over Apple's new Max iPad.
KID: I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a Coke with my name on it MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Wanna hear a joke? 6to5
Health food? Baby, my body is a '93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I'm not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Watching Benjamin Button. Never gets old.
People will hate you, rate you, break you, and shake you. How strong you stand is what makes you.(",)
Optimus Prime: "I transform from a robot into a truck. You?" Amazon Prime: "I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM."
Leaving a warm bed on a cold morning is my personal hell.
What was Hitler's preferred breast size? Not C's. And off to hell I go.
*Dive rolls across the room naked Her- Why don't you just buy curtains?
Still in line for the iPhone 5. I'm the only one here. Thinking this might actually be an abandoned Radio Shack. Still, gonna be worth it!
Small kid : Mom what happens when you die? Mom : Your soul will go to heaven. Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!
What do you call a mexican midget? A paragraph... Because he's not a full essay
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That's the last time we're playing Monopoly.
You hear about the three guys who died in a flight simulator when a plane crashed in to the building? Apparently jet fuel can't melt irony.
My drug dealer gave me new shoes today. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Plans to make the new TV series, CSI Baton Rouge were scrapped yesterday. The producers discovered that nobody has any dental records and everybody has the same DNA!
How do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hands in its pockets &amp; tickle its balls.
How do you hit on a Jewish girl? Tell her that she israeli hot!
I would tell a chemistry joke... But all the good ones Argon.
Egypt. Palin. Walmart. Facebook. KE$HA. Bieber. Typos. Snow. Zombies. Superpowers. FFs. Your mom. Boom, I just won Twitter.
My 6 yr old asked me if "satire" is like a "flat tire." I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
Apples are my second favourite fruit. They're sublime!
BASEBALL! All the excitement of football squeezed conveniently into 162 five-hour games!
What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them. (   ) (v)
Where did Jewish Rats go during the Holocaust? Mousechwitz
What do you call delicious Vietnamese food? Vietnoms
What did the alien say to the gas pump ? Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm  talking to you !
I hear if you are a woman in a relationship you have a better chance of getting a ring than LeBron does. pow. bam.
What do mad cow disease and PMS have in common? Angry heifers.
What's the difference between Reddit and Voat? Reddit doesn't constantly have reposts from the other site.
Are you a beaver? ...'cuz damn.
Did your mom get those plane tickets? I'm taking her to pound town
Do they sell 2017 calendars by the month? Not sure I want to commit to a full year.
Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
The Past, Present and Future walk into a bar It was tense.
My ex used to say there was one person for everyone. I didn't realise he planned to be that person
What kind of church music do they sing in Finland? FINNISH HYMN!
*Murderer points a gun at me* "You wanna die today" Me: "Yeah kinda" Murderer: *lowers gun* damn, you wanna talk about it?
Whats Red and Smells Like Blue Paint? Red Paint
What's the coolest kind of surgery? Hip surgery.
What happens if you built communism in Sahara Answer: shortages of sand
If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That's what happened to Australia.
What do you get if you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
I felt super exhausted after giving blood. It's such a draining procedure.
Where do burgers like to dance? At a meatball!
Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock? Because it's a little meteor.
Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego (thought of this myself, it's better spoken)
I was raised by my father. He was a competitive poker player.
Have you heard the gullible joke? Me neither...
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired Manager: Um... [changes sign to "Vintage Hams"] Hipster: I'll take 4
What happens when women have their period? They get easily irritated and they ovary act
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife. Me too, I replied.
Q: Why are horses poor dancers? A: They have two left feet.
What do you get when you combine two Japanese demons? A two-eyed onion.
Why are ballerinas so vigilant? They are always kept on their toes.
Don't you hate when you are reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles?
Who is the president of the trees? BarkOak Palma
What joke has sebadoh for a punch line? A joke about what kind of dough does an italian use to make seb bread, with really good delivery.
cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: "do you know y i pulled u over?" Me: "because Batman is catching all the criminals"
Life... It's just an f in lie.
Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? He doesn't want to get nailed to the Boards.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she's wearing 5" or 6" heels. She knows exactly what, 6"+ looks like.
So I was looking over a Jazz tune... My god...this song has more accidentals than an orphanage.
There are two things in this world that smell like fish. And one of them is fish.
How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to be left in the dark.
I think the same thing every time I pass one of those "slow children" signs... MAN, does this heroin make my skin itch!
How do you put a baby to sleep? You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock.
People who don't have a name for their newborn, What the shit did you do for 9 months?
LIFE HACK: If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
A canibal walks out of the restroom and looks to his friend... ...He then says, "I shat the sheriff, but I did not shit the deputy"
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn't enough time.
9/11 victims are the fastest readers. They went through 80 stories in 10 seconds!
What mammal dies after it mates? Anyone that goes near my wife!
What's a hippie's favorite animal? An elk It has the E, the L, and the K. Would like to hear some more if you guys have any.
The last girl I dated reminded me a lot of a cat, she would annoy me for attention, but ignore me once I gave it to her... ...the difference is that I never woke up with her asshole in my face.
Did you here about the two faces being added to MT. Rushmore? Barack Obama!
What's the difference between statutory rape and sex with a minor? Gender
Next time someone texts you to say "call me"... Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Does anyone know watt is the unit for power?
I'm going to start a blog for irrational numbers... I think I'll call it the 3.1 forums...
There are 30 cows and twenty eight chickens... How many didn't? Better told in person.
Why did twoface go to the dentist? He dented his tooth
Need Advice So I need some help. Younger sister is coming out of the closet finally and I need some good lesbian jokes in good enough taste to raffle off at dinner for thanksgiving. Oh please assist!
What video game system do police officers play in their cars? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...
Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparantly 'in HD' was not the right answer.
Fella goes to the house of ill repute. Lady meets him at the door and he asks "how much"? "$25" she sezs. "You gotta be putting me on", sez Fella. "No, that's another $5" sez Lady.
What is horse sense? Stable thinking and the ability to say nay!
My favorite pickup line... the Ford F Series
I said to my neighbour Jamal... I said to my neighbour Jamal, "You're like marmite, you know Jamal." He replied, "What? You love me or hate me?" I replied, "No, you're black and you fucking smell."
My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
What do cows do when they're introduced? They give each other a milk shake!
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
How do we know dolphins are the only other animals that have sex for pleasure? They pull out.
Some people are like Slinkys... Totally useless, but still fun to push down the stairs.
I thought of this joke while at work today, tell me what you think! Why can't two jealous people talk on the phone together? It is always an insecure line!
here come the bitches starting their winturrrrrr2012<3 facebook photo albums.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick] Hi, you left your number on my car. Who's going to clean this?
What do you call a Hispanic midget? Paragraph. Because he's not even a full ese.
What is the difference between a priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 12.
What do you call a country ruled by oppressive Vikings? Norse Korea
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
What do a tuna, a piano, and a pot of glue have in common? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
Visitor: You're very quiet Jennifer. Jennifer: Well my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your  red nose.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents. My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!! Me: Then don't do it.
If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.
What is Superman when he removes his suit? Man.
Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word. You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!
My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning. It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.
What do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore Arms.
Did you hear about the black guy that jumped off of the Empire State Building Black lives splatter
A man walks into a zoo that only has a dog It's a shih tzu
Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting. "A lemon tree, Watson".
Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish
Which has less drunks: an Irish wedding or an Irish funeral? An Irish funeral has one less drunk.
"Whose line is it anyway?" -generous cocaine party guests
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as a choir boy!
How did Viking ships communicate? Norse code.
"murder" she wrote "your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter" the screen said "murd3R" she wrote, frowning
I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I'm going to pass them out to kids.
*two minor inconveniences happen at the same time* me: *needs to lie down for 3 days*
What do you call a 5' 2" fortune teller that has escaped from prison? A small medium at large
I bet the "YMCA" dance is harder to do in different languages.
"Ladies, please report immediately to my pants." - Me, pretending I'm wearing pants.
You had me at "I bet I can get that whole thing in my mouth."
The first time I ever player lacrosse it was fairly stressful every time after that was fairly re-laxing
Soo.... baltimore. Probably not the best idea to burn down a cvs pharmacy. The entire city needs a chill pill.
What's the difference between a reindeer and a caribou? Caribou can't fly.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
What is the slogan of the Mormon Church? "We don't care how you bring 'em, just Brigham Young."
What does a Mexican get when he slides down a hill? Gracias
You can call me Vladimir. Because I'm going to be Putin it in your butt &lt;3
What happened to the baseball played who was unfaithful to his wife? He was thrown out at home. *alternate response* - His two balls got a strike.
What do you call Will Smith's crying daughter? A weeping Willow.
What is a pirate's favorite part of music theory? Arrrr-peggios!
I don't do drugs anymore I don't do them any less either.
A man says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad." She thinks for a minute then replies, "you have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don't believe you."
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit? 'Cause I'm not the least bit attracted to you.
So my dog is named Lucky... and sometimes he escapes from our house, so we have to go get lucky. And sometimes it'll be dark out, we'll be up all night to get lucky.
Doctors Jokes " Doctor I keep stealing things" " Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."
Holy Kleenex, Batman! He was right under our nose, and we blew it!
I usually don't tell blondes jokes But when I do I have a 60% more chance to sleep with them.
Why does the doctor spank the baby after birth? To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem? comes out of nowhere.
"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into." *Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.
Smartest joke I have I went to a bed and breakfast the other day that said that they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered some scrambled eggs during the Neolithic
How was copper wire invented? Two jews picked up the same penny simultaneously
This popped into my head when I was half asleep. Figured I'd share. What does a Sparkle magazine model call her g-spot? Her glitterus
It'd be nice if the pre-requisite to being a politician in the United States of America didn't involve being a lying sack of shit.
Squirrels are TV for homeless people
When people go underwater in movies, I sometimes like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo
Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.
Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb? A: We'll never know, Tesla was murdered.
What's the hardest part of being a gay black cop? The discrimination.
What would you call Martin Luther king Jr if he was white? Alive.
Why do so many pigs die whilst eating apples?
I have a fear of speed Bumps I'm slowly getting over it.
What is something you can use to find the pH of tree sap? A log!
Why are blind people bad computer programmers? Because they can't C.
What do you call a gay guy with a boner. Homo Erectus
What's the difference between choking sex and necrophilia? About 5 minutes
I once told my dad: "I feel there are a good and a bad wolf in me fighting for control. But which one will win in the end?" He said: "The one you feed."
If I could have been any Monarch in history I would have been George the 6th But with asthma. That way I could introduce myself by saying I'm King George... and Wheezy.
What's on the inside of a clean nose? Fingerprints.
I'm missing a 5 sided shape It's penta-gone.
What's long hard and shitty at the end? One of John Doe joke.
If girls with nice tits work for Hooters where do girls with one leg work? Ihop.
I only hate two kinds of people. The racist people and those fucking mexicans
I like my women like I like my Chinese chemical storage facilities Ready to blow at any minute
Why don't klansmen like to eat sushi? because that would be a case of rice mixing
If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.
How Many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the ladder and ensure the safety of the second feminist who will unscrew the old lightbulb and replace it with a new one.
Nothing says, "I have a lot of free time," more than someone eating a pomegranate.
"You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?" "Yeah. Why is that?" "There are more birds on that side."
Doctor: Describe your headache. Me: She's about 5'8", blonde, and the mother of my children.
John Travolta looks like the type of guy that would leave his toupee in a truck stop urinal for hours and then wear it to a musical.
How does a pirate reenact Travis Bickle's speech? Are you talking to me?
Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun? Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.
"If You See an Un-attended Bag, Please DO NOT Report It!" "..And thank you for shopping at Luggage World"
Q: What do you call a blonde sky diving team? A: A new version of the lawn dart's game.
17 ways to get rid of click bait This is not one of them.
Did you hear about the mushroom? He was a fungi.
When my mom asked me to sponsor her Run for The Cure, I was surprised. I'd thought The Cure had done quite well for themselves.
Why are dentists really good hackers? Because they always get root access.
*walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table*
How do you confuse a complete idiot ? 32
I'm not stalking you. I'm trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
So this Roman guy... This Roman guy walks into a Tavern, raises two fingers and yells, 'five beers please!'
Why did the power go out when Optimus Prime got his first blow job? Someone blew a transformer.
Terrible pun (I'm sorry) What do you call a guy who travels the world convincing women to have oral sex? A cunning linguist
How does Lady Gaga like her meat cooked? Raw raw raw raw raw!
She said, "Are you even listening to me? This is important!" I said, "I don't know, pizza?" And that's how the fight started
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?! ME: Aww... I would, but I already have plans. MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Did you hear the news about the collision between two black holes? It's really making waves.
I'm forever disappointed that a group of squids isn't called a squad.
FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying "fortnight" they have to become your butler.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that's true? WOLVERINE: Nah, don't listen to her
What do you call two Chinese government massacres? Tienanmen squared
A man was found dead in a vat of falafel condiment. Police are treating it as a hummuscide.
What sound does it make when you light a stick of dynamite in them middle of a sheep herd? ssssssssssss boom! baaaaaaaah!
"Hey kids! What be a pirates favorite letter?" -"Arrrrrrrrrrrr?" -"No! His first love be the 'C'!" (Just saw it on iamarg.com)
Kids these days don't give a fuck about acid They're all about that base. Credit to /u/Assorted_Jellymemes
It's going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I've got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
After winning the election, Donald Trump has already started with his racist agenda... He's already kicking a black family out of their own home.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret. Pat: Thank you. Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I can remember my first day at school The teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?" I said, "No, chewing is probably one of the foreign kids, my name is David."
what did the banana say to the vibrator? What are YOU shaking for?....................................... She's going to eat me!
How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever? He knows a lot about black holes
9: My room is clean. Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
What's the difference between Rick Grimes and Carl Grimes? Rick Grimes has two I's....
You need Jesus in your life... that lawn won't mow by itself
Teacher: Megan, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Megan: You said we had to do it without tables!
"All dressed up and nowhere to go." - penguins
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.
There are no black swans, only African-American ones.
It's in the Smile A boy met a girl.... Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Boy (smiling): Why thank you... are you single? Girl: No, I am a dentist.
Did you hear about the hillbilly who was called to testify in court? When he spoke you could only see the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Did you hear about the cloned dogs who couldn't figure out which was the original? It was a real paradogs
I just came home with 25 pairs of carpenter jeans. . . My wife thinks I'm building a new wardrobe. BTW original, thought I'd share.
Neeeeeeeooooowwwwwwwwwww What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww
[sees girl reading The Bible] "Ah I love that book. The way they just *clenches fist* buy all those frickin bulls."
So a neutrino walks into a bar... Bartender: "Can I get you a drink?" Neutrino: "No thanks, just passing through."
What do you call a sweet advertising campaign. A Brand Muffin.... Ill show myself out
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a bridge What's come over you? Oh two cars a large truck and a coach.
Q: How do you reuse a condom? A: Turn it inside out, and shake the fuck out of it.
Why did you destroy that urinal cake? Peer pressure
What do planets read? Comet books.
What dance did the Pilgrims do? The Plymouth Rock.
I just made an April Fool's joke. Too soon?
What is yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot.
I may not be smart and I may not be skinny and I may not be tan and I may not be cheerful and I may not be tall and I may not be sober and I
The nurse who can smile when  things go wrong is probably going off duty.
Why do white girls go out in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
Maybe we should put Obama on the $20 bill Then we would finally get the change he promised.
Before today, the saddest Brazilians I ever saw... ...were the waiters who got assigned to me at Fogo de Chau #estoygordo
"Sorry, I fail to see how I 'misled' you when my profile CLEARLY says I'm 'a total cat person'?" - half-cat/half-person being after bad date
There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing. That's sofa king nice.
I didn't get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
What do prisoners used to talk to each other in jail? Cell Phones.
This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.
A book fell on my head today... I blame my shelf.
How are 6 women like a golf course? NSFW 18 holes
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
This is how you do an April Fools joke ... [deleted]
Did you hear about the preschool kidnapping? He woke up
I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
What do you call a woman with an opinion?? Wrong
If you have allowed suicide to ruin your life... you probably did it wrong.
What do Bees wear in the winter? *Yellow Jackets*
What's the difference between a conservative priest and a progressive priest? A progressive priest will give you a reach around.
Relationship or hallucination... Either way, I'm seeing someone
What did the fighter pilot do when his plane was about to crash? He ejaculated from the cockpit.
Wanna hear a joke? [removed]
I'm so poor... I can't even **pay** attention
Q: What did the alien say to the gardener? A: Take me to your weeder.
What's white on the outside and black on the inside? An American police officer.
For Sale: Golden Retriever, Had for 9 months has yet to retrieve any gold. Should just bought metal detector! Unbelievable.
April is autism awareness month Anyone here aware they have autism
Chuck Norris already counted up to the infinite... Two times.
How do you process a queue of table delete requests for an asynchronous database? Pop, Lock &amp; Drop It
Optimists, pessimists, and engineers An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees a glass half empty. An engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.
What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. :D
Spiders have it about right. If he doesn't bring her a snack when he courts her it's curtains..
The neighbor's cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it's now some weird interspecies potluck.
Helium Factory It looks like the negotiations at the helium factory were falling apart....everything was up in the air.
Past employers have described me as "selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart."
The doctor says I'm depressed because I don't have enough iron in my diet so I've started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.
I love blowing Leafs in this beautiful Fall weather. Leafs Anderson, he is a real stand up guy.
I can give you the reason for anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.
What killed the guy ordering at an Italian restaurant? He'd had trouble deciding to go with the appetizers or entrees, but eventually he went antipasto way.
What's the gummy stuff between sharks teeth? Slow swimmers.
At what age did Hitler's uncle try to molest him at? When he was nein.
I think it might be fun to be an idiot-savant... ... but I'm having trouble with the savant part.
My name is Frank Ulman; my friends call me F.U. I guess that makes me F.U. the first; so if I have a son, he will be F.U.2
Making people uncomfortable & upset really gives me the most happiness in life . Above all else , I hope to make you feel wrong
I asked my North Korean friend how things were over there. He said he couldn't complain.
tough choice Obama, Osama, and Hitler are lined up against a wall who gets shot first Obama for fucking this country
Guns put a Teddy Roosevelt in their barrel when they decide to commit suicide. Stolen from u/nikolaibk in the top comment thread ATM.
I'm gonna open a business to wax chests with no pain at all. ...But can I really pull it off?
A man carrying his wife. She asks him to put her down. "All right, you're an idiot." he replied.
There's something really addictive about Brownies... ... I think it's their exotic accent.
A lady goes into the dry cleaners Lady: "I was wondering if you could get this stain out of my blouse" The Clerk: "Come again?" Lady: "No, this time it's just yogurt"
It seems like I only have sex with girls in high heels... Probably because the ones in tennis shoes run too fast.
Sausage Joke During the depression, why did they only put breadcrumbs on one side of a sausage? ....cos during the depression it was hard to make both ends meat
Why is Reddit called "Reddit"? The first name they came up with reminded them too much of olive oil.
What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a Mafia lord? Probably killed.
Psychiatrist "Tell me about your trust issues." Me "No"
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming. EDIT: Also, I don't want my time to go to waist. Courtesy of /u/Carter127
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought "nah".
When I call her "Hun," it's not short for honey. It's short for Attila.
Did you hear about Jon Snow dropping his new Apple product? And now his watch has ended.
Why didn't the melons get married in Vegas? Because they cantaloupe. This joke was brought to you by Dads inc.
I'm confused about plants
A compilation of jokes [Please insert jokes here]
A Spanish magician is at a party He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, "uno, dos," POOF. He disappeared without a tres.
Here at Time Warner Cable we know that sex is an important part of a relationship. So we try to fuck you as often as possible.
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
me: "what is a librarian's favourite food?" dog: me: "SHUSHI lmao" dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
"I don't have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you," I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
So hacker group Anonymous declared war on ISIS. Probably the closest ISIS will get to 72 virgins.
What is a pirate's favorite kind of explosive? A M-80.
I'm volunteering at the tempura house tonight. It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
Met two guys named Andre coincidentally It was a real double ent"andre"
A gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two point deduction and ruins his chances of getting a medal.
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.
My wife and i got along so much better... When we were just brother and sister
whenever my mom criticizes me i yell "it's probably genetic" and run out of the room as fast as i can
If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.
I got my wisdom teeth out solely to make a cute viral video of what I said coming out of anaesthesia, but I used the N-word too many times.
I hate being bipolar... It's awesome!
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon master? Ash
Apparently telling someone you'll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of "Let It Go", using only 3 words.
*Works out on rowing machine *Breaks rowing machine *Doesn't know own strength *Buys Doritos to celebrate *Can't open bag
Me: I killed another one, boss. Mob boss: You don't work for me. Me: I volunteered. Mob boss:*Looking angry* Me: I'm gonna get back to work.
All the guys here in San Francisco are super nice. They keep asking if they can push my stool in. Even when I'm already sitting down or there are no chairs around.
What's Bill Gates's favorite dessert apple turnover
This damn button keeps popping off my keyboard... I swear I am about to lose fucking Ctrl.
Why are Jedis allowed to use negative numbers? Because only Siths deal in absolutes.
Jew Jokes Aren't Funny. Anne Frankly I find them offensive.
What's the difference between God and Bono?? God doesn't walk around thinking he's Bono!!
I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables... He said "prove it." So I pushed him off the balcony.
Waiter there is a fly in my soup! I know but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Why do the Chinese remember more then everyone else All their memories are in wide screen.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
What do you get when you cross a pig with a  canary? I don't know but when it sits on your electric wire and sings all your lights go out
It's almost Valentine's day It's almost Valentine's Day and I don't even have a date, even the milk carton has a date.
Dirty joke told to me by an old man (NSFW) What does 70 year old pussy taste like? Depends Sorry if this is a repost.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
So I heard, that after a long debate, they finally announced the hide and seek champion of 2014. 1st place went to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370!
My son wanted to go whale watching for his birthday. So we sat outside McDonald's.
Do you know how I got out of Iraq? Iran
Wars would be obsolete if women ruled the world There would just be a bunch of jealous countries who do not talk to eachother.
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family My wife freaked the fuck out
A man walks into a bar. The impact gave him a concussion.
Duct tape is like the Force... ...there's a light side and a dark side, and it keeps the Universe together.
I just met a dude with 12 nipples! I know, it scounds crazy, dozen tit
What's the difference between between a piano, tuna, and glue? You can tuna piano, but you cant piano tuna!
What type of dog is always amazed? A Chi-WOW!-ua
what did the jewish child molester say? hey kid, wanna buy some candy?
Vagina jokes aren't funny Period.
Statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs... ...aren't happy.
One of the underrated 2011 subplots is the battle between local car dealer commercials & hostage videos on who has worse production value.
There was a convention for lazy-eyed bachelors and bachelorettes. There was a massive turn out: Most of them ended with a perfect mate.... You could say that their eyes crossed in a crowded room.
What came first the ch- Neutrino.
Why Can't America tell knock knock jokes? Cause' freedom RINGS!
I let my kids play on my Samsung Galaxy Note 7... They had a Blast!
What did the mushroom say on his dating profile? I'm a fungi!
Did you hear about the pirates who became shoe shiners? They were s*washbuckling*!
Why did the spy cross the border? Because he never really was on your side.
Condoms are all reusable. you just gotta shake the fuck out of them first.
Anyone can be an American unless you're Mexican.
Are you eating Jell-O? Cow: "Yeah." You know what gelatin is made from, right? Cow: "No, what?" Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Why do stormtroopers make good drivers? They won't ever hit anything.
My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me. Seems like my French classes are going really well.
What do you get when you cross an octopus and a Mexican? I don't know but it can pick the shit out of some lettuce.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders... Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Q: Why did God create man before woman?  A: He didn't want any advice.
I dont care what god damned color forest it came from just give me the god damn ham
How can you find out the gender of an ant? Throw it in the water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant
If you are fat... If you are far, go to the UK, you will lose a couple of pounds
Due to steroids, women assume a guy with huge muscles has shriveled testicles. That's why I stay out of shape. The ladies know I'm packing.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month] Me: not all men are like that
What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses? Two pirates.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"... But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".
Just found out men can have sex at 88..... which is handy cos I live at 94 so it's not far to walk home after.
Define "Countryside". The murder of Piers Morgan (Credit to the always amazing Stephen Fry.)
Which US President was least guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent.
I had surgery to change myself from Asian to Caucasian. It was a real eye opening experience
Why are fish cleverer than humans? Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
wher did the waitress work IHOP
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad.
You can't name your dog Jeff, that's illegal
ME: I think we're being followed DATE: Really? M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep D: Wait you carry that around with you? M: Just keep walking
You wanna know what sucks about being single? Nothing. You gotta use your hands now.
If a pizza has a radius "z" and a depth "a" Its volume can be defined by pi* z* z* a
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... The 5 stages of buying petrol.
How do you get a guy to stop having sex with you? Get him off.
Hurricane Joaquin This Category 3 Storm is likely to hit the Eastern US this week. Good news for Arizona residents: you will not be affected by Joaquin, Phoenix.
Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks.
Someone discovered my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier
Hey there, mind if I take a bite? Cause your decomposing in ALL the right places.
Did you know that there is an elephant at Bush Gardens? That's what I call my crotch.
How do you trace a scatter plot? You give the pencil to Michael J. Fox.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you Henry VIII: New phone who dis Anne: Your wife Henry VIII: Lol which one
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
I am a staunch traditionalist. I believe that texts should only be sent from phones. Soon ppl will text from kitchen device. makes me sick
I could win an Olympic gold medal If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid
What do defensive linemen and porn stars have in common? At some point both of them have said to themselves "This sack is going to make my career."
What did the SMG dad say to his son? Bizon Joke by: /u/swagmlgprofrags
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone *guy with no legs throws rock* Jesus: Seriously? "You said 'without shins,' right?"
Knock Knock Who's there? Allah Allah who? ALLAHU AKBAR!!!
Hey girl, are you a 10? Because you're basic...
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saurus?
~tips fedora at mosquito~ Mlaria
My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.
A hamburger walks into a bar (don't know if repost) And the bartender says "sorry but we don't serve food here"!
So a grasshopper walks into a bar... And the bartender says: "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies: "You have a drink named Steve?!"
What religion believes in the Big Bang? Islam.
Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I'm old
If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions! They should kill a lion.
What do you call a little polish boat? A Jetski.
TIL: In the 60's people started a music festival before Woodstock in Alabama. It's called "Burning Church"
Several years ago, Charlie Sheen said "I'm Winning" ...even now he's still remaining positive!
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two.
I need a new waffle iron. These waffles are still wrinkled.
Yoy can't write an essay overnight You can't write an essay overnight but you have to in 30 minutes for a test.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I saw a sign that said "Falling rocks" I tried. It doesn't.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I tripped on a "slippery when wet" sign today. I was floored by the irony.
32nd rule of Fight Club is no peanut products are allowed at Fight Club
What do you get when you cryogenically freeze a genetic copy of basketball legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar? An ice Kareem clone
Baby sister told me this one attn Harry Potter fans Sister: "Harry's godfathers middle name should be 'Lee'" Me:"wait, whose the godfather?" Sister: "Sirius Black" Took me a minute.
What do you call an aardvark outside Buckingham Palace? A guardvark!
My gf broke up with me. She thinks that I am childish... So, I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.
Did you know condoms had serial numbers? I guess you've never had to roll it down that far
Startin' a band with some guys I used to work with called LinkedIn Park.
I just found out my father's sister doesn't like Jewish people. Its hard to believe I have a relative who is auntie semitic.
What do you call a PHD in religious studies? Gods doctor.
I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.
A barber applied for a scholarship at the barber's academy He didn't make the cut
Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own? **Because it's two tired.**
My GF arrives in town next week. I'm so excited! I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn't make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.
Man and Women in Diffrent Combinations Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
I'll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you "Your gums wouldn't bleed if you flossed more".
hi What did the bar maid say in front of the gay bar? "Im cracking up just being here" .
I want to have sex with McKayla Maroney... But I think she would be unimpressed.
Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.
X-post from r/jokes: "Hey! The dog you sold me yesterday just fell over and died today!" "Huh, strange. He's never done that before."
What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to a crocodile? A crocodile!
My friend was getting an HIV test and he was worried, so I just gave him some advice. Stay Positive.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records... ... until the librarian kicked me out.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can't put their shopping cart away.
Why are yachts and ships so scary? Because they're for boating.
How can you tell someone is an engineer? They'll tell you! (Source: am an engineer)
Turn up? At my age, I'm just happy when I can turn over.
Police officer stops a speeding car and asks the driver.... Police officer: ''Can you identify yourself, sir?'' Driver(pulling out his mirror): ''Yeah, it's me.''
I'm very concerned with sleeveless shirts as of late I have a vested interest
Cameron Cameroff
I'm not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I've won and the number that I actually own.
I don't think peeing on a goose is the right answer.. But on the other hand.. I'm not sure it's the WRONG answer. -Drunk me at a zoo
How does a skeleton solve a problem? With the bare-bones approach.
What did God say after creating Africa? Last one out is a rotten egg!
My irritating fucking roommate contaminated our water with mercury... Now I'm *really* mad!!
Why did the airplane no longer work? Because it was **terminal**ly ill. I'll show myself out.
What do you call a bad ass phone that doesn't work? Off the hook. (It's stupid but I did make it up)
Roses are dead, violets are dead, ... I'm a bad gardener
What's baked every day and sells itself? My sister.
Found out i was colourblind the other day.. Hit me right out of the purple
I told a miscarriage joke to my mate yesterday but I couldn't deliver it right.
What do you call a relationship that never works out between guitarists? No strings attached
What do you call a discount sauna? A steam sale
Yesterday a guy knocked on my door to ask for a small donation for an aquatic center being built in my town.. So I gave him a glass of water
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces... For example, I'm going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it may be closed...
Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?
CANADIAN: Let's watch a movie AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic? CANADIAN: What's that about? AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one.
I asked a gym instructor to teach me how to do the splits ... He said, ''How flexible are you''? I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''.
What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.
Who Saw Him Go? by Wendy Leeve
What did Russians use for light before candles? Light bulbs
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep pan, crisp and even.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Is your fridge running? Why didn't you send it to Rio? All the best to our contestants!
Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement... ... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.
I don't eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I'm allergic to cats. *my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear* Cats are also cute.
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? People don't milk cows for twelve years
The remote does not go next to the TV. That's the opposite of why you have a remote.
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land  safely ? With it's sparrowchute !
Life is like a box of chocolates: Disturbingly expensive, yet... vaguely disappointing.
if we're being honest, angelica from rugrats is probably a stripper with a cocaine addiction now.
Will Smith's website isn't responding. What do you do? Refresh Prince of Bel Air.
I'm trying to become a vegetarian so from now I'm only eating seafood. Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flys like a banana.
My uncle came out of the closet yesterday
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately! KIDS: ... STAFF: ... ALBUS: I can't control them.
A man asked a genie for a twelve-inch prick. He got a little man who ran up and down the bar kicking over drinks.
*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time* Me: SHUT UP *dog barks at burglar, one time* Me: It's like he just knew there was danger
Wow, your teeth are white. Thanks. I'm just curious, what color were you expecting?
What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A tank!!!! PEW PEW PEW!!
What elephant and a canary and in common? They both can't ride bicycles.
I thought I was listening to a Maroon 5 song on the radio when I realized that the radio is off and I need to have my brakes changed.
I shouldn't laugh at all what is brown and lives in a tree? - - - - - - - - -a stick
Funny prank: Put a cinder block in someone's pillowcase and right when they say "What the fuck?!" let like six wolves into their room.
All the doctors at this hospital must have gone to This-Piece-Of-Medical-Equipment-Is-Not-A-Toy University and majored in "boring".
My friend asked me to come up with Eleven jokes about The Australian Open. I think Tennis enough.
There are three kinds of people in New Zealand.. The racists, the big spiders, and the big racist spiders..
Why do women wear white wedding dresses? So the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and stove
Why was "six" afraid of "seven?" Because seven was a registered six offender.
Why don't Hollywood talent agents drink chocolate milk? Because it's not about who you know, but no Yoo-hoo.
Can't afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.
I watched Batman with a girl on our 9th date. It went "dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner BATMAN!"
It's fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.
Other people's umbrellas are more annoying than other people's kids because umbrellas never say anything darnedest at all.
What are a clumsy person's favorite flowers? Oopsie daisies.
Turns out my date had a lot of pizzazz, not pizzas. I've never been more disappointed.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
What is Donald Trumps favorite album? The Wall
What does a Bactrian camel have in common with a very lazy prostitue? Humps on the back.
I found a great app to search for Greek restaurants in your neighborhood. It's called Gyroscope.
My anaconda don't want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I've decided it's basically cyber-hoarding...
I'm tried starting a club for hipsters I got quite a few to sign up until they heard it was getting popular
Why was six scared of seven?
I suspect the number 200 sometimes impersonates the word ZOO.
If you ask for ice water in the south they look at you funny, down here they drink something called ass water?
Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas. It must have been a period piece.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman's shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you're at Walmart... I know that now
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.
The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike! I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn't own a bike.
What is the official novel of Mexico? Tequila Mockingbird
A man walks into a grocery store in the countryside and asks...[brazilian joke] How much is a dozen bananas? &amp;nbsp; And the cashier replies: &amp;nbsp; -Twelve bananas
Wish I was rich enough to own a room full of bees & if someone upset me I could order my muscular butler to "Take them to the Bee Room!"
So 3, 4, and 5 fell down a flight of stairs... Now they're a Pythagorean cripple.
If I'm found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Does a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My wife and I have lost over 150lbs combined!!! And my wife has lost 200!
Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good  but where is the wagon ? Pupil: The horse will draw it !
"Ways you would tell your mother you secretly have the hots for her." -Family Freud
Mayweather VS. Paqiauo wasn't fair... Mayweather got to practice on his wife.
Not all of the weird sexual stuff you hear about is as good as it's cracked up to be... I mean you can tell me how great autoerotic asphyxiation is till you're blue in the face.
What do you call the Irish guy who always brings flan to the potluck? Shaun O'flanagan
Why is OP's dog never satisfied? They don't do liver
ELI5 Why would an alien ever visit Roswell? ________________ Fill in the blank or answer the question.
Where did Napoleon Bonaparte keep his armies? In his sleevies.
The guy who invented the velcro died last week RIP
What's the best part of dating 29 year olds? There's 20 of them. (More funny out loud)
Thanksgiving is here, and I love trigonometry sorry, I went off on a tangent.
I'm going to a medieval wedding and I need some one liners.
Lindsay Lohan said she's voting for Mitt b/c "employment is really important right now" Like it's Obama's fault no one wants to hire her.
Babies cry so that we can remember where we left them.
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
Why was "what is love" played at a funeral? Because he had a will, and he haddaway.
What's does Santa Clause and my wife have in common? They both come once every year.
A man dedicated his life to tying bits of string together. Unfortunately, it was all for knot.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It was okay, but had no atmosphere.
I often wonder if people at work can tell I'm using Tinder just by my hand motions... but then I realize they probably don't care WHY I'm masturbating.
[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran] "Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?" "No" "Didn't think so"
Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine? He knew better than to drink and derive.
My neighbor seriously just asked me, "Does Canada have 4th of July?" I said "No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh? I need to move.
Bill Clinton rapes a woman... Hillary Clinton then says to him... "Bill did you rape another woman?" Get it? Bill Clinton rapes women....
What song does Freddy Krueger listen to when he gets a manicure? I got Kniiiiiives on it! [Original Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyDqoLimejg) that inspired the joke.
My neighbor stopped by to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bicycles Bull shit, my dogs don't even have bicycles!
Why did the bike fall over Because it was two tired
How many Narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he doesn't screw it in, he just holds it and the world revolves around him.
What's the difference between slavery and a cow? You stop milking a cow after 150 years.
I asked Rihanna where Chris Brown was She just shrugged her shoulders. "Beats me!"
Mike Rowe Penis Women have told me I have a Mike Rowe penis. I guess it must be because they think it's pretty strong and does dirty jobs... but I think it's a little small myself.
I asked my friend if I could borrow some money for condoms.... He gave me five bucks, and I told him "Thanks for the *fucking* money."
Someone hit my fender so I told them, 'be fruitful and multiply'... But not exactly in those words. -Woody Allen
You like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?! Then you'll love Aunt Jemima's new "You Butter Recognize!"
I really hate when people only put one word in their submissions title
Imagine my surprise when I found out "restraining order" did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Black Ice Slipped on ice today. Didnt know it was black ice until my wallet was gone.
Whats the difference between a North Korean missile and a K-Pop singer? The singer can have a hit
*Shrek pre-production meeting* Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet Guy who named the donkey "Donkey": I was thinking Dragon sir
I was walking down the road and some guy tipped a whole carton of milk on me... How dairy
He's 52, from now on let's just call him John Depp.
My Dogs name is... My dogs name is Jesus because I am still waiting for him to come back
My friend asked me what my Computing Logic class was about.. "Mostly boolshit."
Why shouldn't you date a tennis player? Love means nothing to them.
What are peas attracted to? Chickpeas
Stonewall Jackson was usually in charge of confederate forces during the Civil War. Well General Lee i mean.
I tried to pick up the scale in the bathroom and threw out my back It weighs a lot
I've hit hard times, and to make money I'm going to sell my vacuum cleaner. Because right now it's just gathering dust.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I like to diffuse situations with humornnnnnnnnnAnd a machete
If your are ever about to get jumped by a gang of clowns Go for the juggler
What do you call a cat in heat? Prr-miscuous
If you want to make God laugh.... ...tell him your plans.
Mount Rushmore looks like an old boy band that now wants to be taken seriously as musicians.
I like my women like I like my clothesline. Strung out and tied up.
WHAT ARE THOSE???? /u/doubledickdude - They're my cocks.
If you are having sex with two women and a third woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely
What do you call it when whales form a band. An Orcastra.
A Joke About Kim Jong Un [removed]
What do you call wanking in a plane? Hijacking
Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, "Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system." Oh boy!
You know what makes me smile? ... my face muscles
In order to catch a cab, one must think like a cab first.
A man with three balls goes to another random guy and tells him: "you know that together we have 5 balls?" and the guy replies: "why, you have only one?"
When Gordon Ramsay saw a cute puppy gif on Reddit, why did he get mad? Because it was /r/aww
How many ears does Spock have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
What's the difference between a lima bean and a chickpea? I've never had a lima bean on my face.
Rule number one of crossfit always talk about crossfit!
Fun Fact If your parents never had children, chances are that neither will you.
Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't u share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.
I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. 'That woolly one looks like a fist' I say, as Jack punches me again.
What's the difference between a goat and a ram? I can't goat my dick in your ass.
What's a pilots least favorite holiday? May Day!
Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
Pneumonia was found dead In other news, pneumonia was found dead with 2 bullets in the back of his head, the police are ruling it a suicide.
What did the square say to the triangle? You're outta line!
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years? Because one of them dropped a nickel.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
Self-promoting on the walls of a public bathroom is weird but always having the Sharpie on hand is weirder. Anyway for a good time call me.
911: What's your emergency? Me: Do you think I'm pretty
"It's a dog-eat-dog world." - Hannibal Labradoodle
Jesus Never Fails If Jesus was a program, he would never fail. Why? Because he was born in a stable environment.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Why was Georg Ohm such a badass rockstar? Because he knew a squared amp and resistance gave you power
Why does light travel faster than sound? Because some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
a fun way to save money this christmas season is to change your name and move away
Have a burning hatred for questions and people? YOU could be a medical receptionist!
Come forth... God: John,come forth and you shall receive eternal life! But john came third and won a toaster.
How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen? Nunavut.
So two baby seals walk into a club
Kid is destined to be gaye My friend just named her newborn baby "Marvin"
This kid is walking down the street. This kid is walking down the street with just a shoe on. He meets a friend who asks him: "What happened? Have you lost a shoe?" "No, I found one."
What has a million and one legs but still can't walk? Jerry's kids.
Gangster shift keys pop a couple caps in dAt aSs.
What did Jesus say after he was resurrected? Nailed it
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to screw it in one to watch and one to shoot the witness.
Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*
According to the "you snooze you lose" principle insomnia makes us winners.
If you're still undecided on a certain tattoo, try it out first on your baby.
This just popped in my head... What's a mexican's favorite Disney movie? Mow lawn. Sorry.
10 people understand binary. Those who do, and those who dont.
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a  nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
*ties husband's hands to headboard* *turns out lights* *opens laptop* "Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation 'Curtains: How About These?'"
I'm not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Out of all the Thanes of the alphabet, who is the most grateful? Thane Q
Me: "Hey Siri, I nee-..." Siri: "Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend."
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.. But no one will do it.
What's the ugliest tree in the world? Yew
My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
A scientist Couldn't understand "What is Marriage" So he married, after it Now he couldn't Understand what is science .
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him? Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
Never judge a book by its cover Use the paragraph on the back instead..
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who's done it before, like U2
I've just bought the new Beach Boys mobile phone. The ringtones are shit but it has good vibrations.
Superman: I'm my own worst enemy. Lex Luthor: oh. That's nice. I'm literally standing right here.
If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.
I think if I was brutally ass raped by a unicorn, it would be of little consolation that they are fictional.
So summer is coming up and i think I'm in good enough shape to pull off a two piece. The hardest part is just chasing her down.
My random thoughts Hmm I usually don't laugh out loud. But I have tried multiple times to laugh my fucking ass off. But it never falls off! :(
A drug addict walks into a changing room.... he came out a changed man.
When a soldier goes sentimental, his favorite band will be Guns'N'Roses.
what does a gay horse eat? HAAAAAAAAAY!
[day 38 on the ark] NOAHS WIFE: we're out of food NOAH: don't worry, i have a contingency plan UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that
People say that it's unethical to eat meat But I feel good every time I eat bacon and remember that I've taken a pig that was living a squalid and miserable life and sent it to heaven.
If you can't hear me it's because I'm in parentheses.
When I refer to kids as "Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan" I hope you realize I'm not referring specifically to YOUR children.
I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
Diner: Could I have a glass of water? Waiter: To drink? Diner: No I want to rinse out a few things.
A teacher and her student practice counting Teacher: OK now, 61,62,63,64,65,66,67,68,69...what comes after 69? Student: Mouthwash That student was sent home
What was the last thing Hitler said to his men, before they got into their tanks? Men, get into your tanks.
What's the first thing Michael Jackson did when he walked into a Chuck 'E' Cheese? Beat it.
How does Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick down a whore's throat.
I kissed a grill once. It was pretty hot.
Just remember, you're unique. Just like everyone else.
I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England. I guess I'm an Alan Turist.
I did a stand up gig once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
What is the hungriest mineral that exists? Apatite
What did King Arthur have for breakfast? Eggcalibur.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
What's the main difference between light and hard? I can go to sleep with a light on
Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers?  They have short tales!
Two mens are under a tent Two men are under a tent when one of them ask the second one: -Are you masturbating? -Yes why? -Then can you use your penis instead of mine?
I hate when I'm in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I'm in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I don't understand why some snacks are "fun-sized", there's really nothing "fun" about having a smaller portion of food.
Why is Columbus a slang term for cocaine in Native American communities? Because it's white and kills them.
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
What's black and doesn't work? Decaf coffee you racist fuck.
How many pot heads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, we're stoned not stupid.
Why do drugs for small dogs have to be tested on larger ones first? All canine drugs must be lab tested before their public release.
What has six legs and goes "Hodeedo, hodeedo?" Three black guys about to miss the elevator
Brock Turner got a slap on the wrist because he's a professional swimmer. And that's the furthest thing from being black one can be!
there's two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did... I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.
Kids got jokes
Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to  death? He had a crush on her.
My girlfriend complained about my premature ejaculation So I told her "A wizard never cums late nor early. He cums precisely when he means to"
I went to the Doctor for a checkup, and he started shoving toy horses up my ass He looked up and told me my condition was 'stable'
Satoru Iwata is in a much better place... ... he's with Nintendo.
My wife has disappeared... She's been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
A man exclaims to his wife, "I can see 6 years into the future..." "Thanks to my 2020 vision!" His wife replies, "How long have you been waiting to use that joke?" He happily says, "Since 2009!"
What do you call a mexican guy with a rubber toe? Roberto
Pro Tip: If you see a girl shake the gas nozzle after filling up, she's got a wiener.
Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.
Wanna hear a joke about a broken pencil? Never mind it's pointless. 
I remember 2016 Like it was yesterday
Skeletor: Nice ride He-Man: Thanks Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.
What sound does a shotgun make? Kurt Kurt Cobain
I used to be a programmer But now I like ounces.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Hey girl , is the cosine of you positive? Cos you're acute angle.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
Im black and crack addict I cant satisfy any of my hoes :(
A Thursday night "Just got Paroled!" party down the street! Wooooo! HELL YEAH!! I'm gunna wear my best knife for this one y'all!
ok open your eyes!! "are those.. are those dead bunnies? what the fu-" Febreze Air Effects. haha. covered it up well? "im calling the cops"
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
How fucking furious do you think homeless people get when "Mo Money, Mo Problems" comes on?
*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? About half way.
I won 300 million dollars in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. They sent me a letter saying "thank you for your 25 cent donation".
Opinions are like herpes outbreaks. Nobody wants them.
I went to buy a book about Bernie Sanders ...but it was sold out.
Shout out to those who can't hear good
Original joke It may not have been funny but at least it was original
What do you call a cantaloupe who can't elope? A cantaloupe. The spelling is completely different...
When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.
Whens someone says you've changed, it simply means you've stopped living your life their way
My wife just got breast implants made out of oak I don't think I could do that, I think it'd hurt, wooden tit?
I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Wife: you're drunk Me: no'm not Wife: I'M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE Wife: Me: ok lil bit
I've always wondered why baseball was getting bigger ...and then it hit me
Chuck Norris joke cause it's been a long time. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one, He was Allone
What did the vampire say to the teacher? See ya next period.
I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers... I said, "you're racist for clicking on this joke".
What's small, round, and blue? A cranberry holding its breath.
#NoMore All of these NoMore commercials make me want to punch my wife
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Why doesn't Hermione keep her money at Gringotts? Offshore investment gains a better return.
I get it short people, I get it. Oooops sorry typo, I'll get it short people, I'll get it.
Why can't a T-Rex clap Because it's extinct
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday? Me: not answer any more questions.
What has 6 legs bits and talks in code ? A morese-quito !
Can I homeless person a cigarette off someone
Tried to catch fog yesterday Mist
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's pop corn?
Why is Peter pan always flying? Because he neverlands
I think I'll TiVo my kids and watch them later.
Why don't Baptist's have sex standing up? It could lead to dancing.
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
Why are monsters hipsters? Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.
The official carriers of India and Pakistan. because of the risk factors: Pakistan International Airlines or PIA is expanded to Please Inform Allah. Air India or AI is expanded to Already Informed.
What do you call an orange elephant? Call it whatever. It is not like it is gonna have a problem with that.
A son asks his old man... "Dad, are you gay?" "Who told you? Was it your father?"
What did Kim Jong Un say when his father died? Looks like his Korea is over.
If wine is considered the blood of Jesus, I don't blame those romans for killing him. That shit is delicious
What is the difference between a feminist studies major and a pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.
I posed nude for an artist once. *selfie stick
Four Mexicans drowned over the weekend Newspaper headline: Quatro sinko
Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It's impossible to be sad on a jet ski.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ada ! Ada who ? Ada'mond is forever !
Why is the Force like duct tape? It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
I had a nightmare that I was the Michelin man I woke up feeling tired from that one.
I thought the girl at my bus stop thought I was sweet but apparently that's not what she meant by "un-savory"
I put my pants on just like everyone else in your mom's bedroom in the morning
"Whenever one door closes, another opens." "Wow, you must be very optimistic about life." "No, I live in a haunted house."
I hate fucking faggots I love faggots fucking me, though.
Just ripped a fart that sounded like someone sneezing while submerged in pudding.
Why did Princess Dianna cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
What's the worst possible thing to hear while you're blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."    David Sadaris
"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing ...except at a funeral
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months
What did the moderator say to the redditor? [Deleted]
How spicy would you like your clairvoyants? Medium.
What did the cork say to the bottle? If you don't behave yourself, I'll plug you.
A couple has twins. If one is named Peter, what is name of second child? Repeater.
blondes Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
A priest and a rabbi are standing on a corner when a 5 year old boy walks by. The priest says, "Hey. Let's fuck that boy". Replied the rabbi, "out of what?".
Where do you put people with ADHD? A concentration camp
So I was eating out my Grandma... ...And I tasted horse semen and thought, *Ohh, so that's how she died.*
Life is alot like a Penis Life is a lot like a Penis simple,soft,straight,relaxed and hanging freely... then a women makes it hard
How do IT technicians prefer to be paid? Cache in hand.
How many blind men would it take to change a light bulb? Why the fuck would a blind man need a light bulb?
Why did the dog sit in the front seat of the car? Because the car had a sun "woof"! Yes, I made this up myself. Yes, I have no friends.
I'm not a looser just because my pants are not loser. Your a looser because you're pants are loser. Don't think your better then me.
Margot Robbie's Harley Quinn, playing with her puddin' Oops. I thought I was searching redtube. Sorry 'bout that.
What do you get when you cross reddit and a weekend? No new messages.
Chick in front of me has 'Charley Horse' tattooed down the back of her leg. Cramp stamp.
What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch? There will be grim reaper cushions
Who is the Prime Minister of Israol? Netanyahoo
"Come reckon with me bro." -Force
Blondes is a nutshell Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don't know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.
I named my boobs... I named my boobs All and Hell, 'cause when my bra comes off All Hell breaks loose.
Why are there so many trees in Harlem? Public Transportation.
I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday
You have to give it to pedophiles They're the only ones who follow the speed limit in school zones
What is Justin Timberlake's favorite river in Russia? Crimea River
"And the guy's name was Anthony WEINER? Come on" - high school AP U.S. history student, 2046
How many Bolsheviks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None - the lightbulb has the capacity for its own revolution
Trump is a blonde He has yellow hair! Wocka wocka!
What's long and hard and makes women groan? An ironing board.
Snow's starting to melt. Soon I'll have to rake the leaves from last fall and do something with the dead panda. I told the kids he ran away.
What's Pingu's favourite band? Slipnoot.
How did the clock get cancer? Second-hand smoke!
[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.
What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood
Idk Why you kept reading
Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff? He wanted to try out his new air brakes.
I've been sitting at this computer for hours and I haven't seen a single website. That's because you're supposed to sit facing the screen.
Dear Hollywood, When you adapt a book into a movie here's a novel idea: try reading it first for a change. Assholes.
Fun prank: brand your boss with the mark of the beast so he becomes a mindless demon slave wandering the earth killing in the name of Satan
I'm working on organizing a circlejerk. It's coming together.
I've learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals... I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I accidentally said "pastryarchy" instead of "patriarchy" and now I have a vision for a better world
Why do feminist picnics suck? Because no one ever makes sandwiches.
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest  in a group? Look for gray hares.
How do you make a blind man mad? Awwwwwww. Look at them pretty flowers.
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! My mouth tastes like the bottom of a birdcage! Dentist: Yes, I can see there's been a cockatoo in there.
Never trust a tree. They're shady as fuck.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn't that right, Mistake?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
What type of sushi does Bob Seger like? That Old Thai Moroccan Roll.
[graduation] ...and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear* [crowd cries] *dad walks in holding starbucks* "traffic, my bad"
What do you call an area where an Octopus is sitting? Octopied
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: "Uh, go buy new clothes?" Have kids. It's fun.
What's worse than finding a dead baby in the garbage can? Finding a dead baby in the recycle bin.
Fifty clowns got fired from the circus. Luckily, it freed up three parking spots.
What did the ship captain say when his son learned to float ? That's my buoy !
How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy? Slap a nipple on it.
Christmas comes earlier every year. There's 364 days until Christmas and my neighbors already have their lights up.
What is the most common cause of feline blindness? Cataracts
Every morning when my alarm goes off I think "This is the worst thing that has EVER happened."
Where do impoverished Italians live? In the spaghetto
Apparently saying, "Oh, I just came to watch" makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.
Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road and a dead lawyer on the side of the road? There are skidmarks before the dog.
What happened to the broken down frog? It got **toad** away!
Why did the welder put on a scuba tank? Someone's got to fix this sub.
Why do nuns always travel in pairs? Because one nun follows the other nun to make sure that nun doesn't get none.
An Irish pirate with a 12 inch wiener walks into a bar and the bartender says "I don't even know how to label you!"
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
What do necrophiliacs get at funerals? Mourning wood.
(NSWF) Why did Micheal Jackson go to JC Penny? He heard little boys pants were 50% off...
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? He uses the best ingredients, you cruel bastards.
OH HAPPY DAY! GAS WENT DOWN 2 CENTS! Now I can buy my daughter that fancy blue gumball she's always wanted.
What is a pirates favorite letter? You'd think it be the arr but it's actually the sea
Did you hear about the 100lb midget with the 50lb balls? He was half nuts.
Why do bird watchers invest so much money in breast cancer awareness? Because they are greatly satisfied by seeing Tucans.
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? The question is irrelevant, because as soon as the first angel steps onto the head, the tip will rub against the ground, making it pointless.
My doctor wanted a stool sample a urine sample and a semen sample. So I gave him my underwear. Classic Rodney D
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world, I know because I've done it thousands of times. - shout out to good ol' Mark twain.
Her: Wanna "lex" tonight? Him: What's that? Her: Lazy sex. Him: What do we do? Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed.
If humans were chickens, the French Revolution would've been a lot funnier... because after cutting someone's head off, their headless body would run around a few times.
English class...... Teacher. One day our country will be corruption free. which tense is it?? student. Future impossible tense.
I sex you, but I'm not 'in sex' with you.
I just had my fence destroyed by a tornado, and I am asking for your help I heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting here.
Did you know if a person farts too much their ass turns blue! It's from the methane, just look at Uranus!
Are you a romantic man? Yes. When my wife comes home late, I turn on the candles, let the place fill up with nice and warm water and throw in some soap. So she can immediately start doing the dishes.
I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong. Now I stand corrected.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I'm letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I have but two words to describe Avogadro's Number Holy moley!
A guy sees his dad has a black eye - Hey, Dad. Why do you have a black eye? - You'll have two if you leave your girlfriend's underwear in my car one more time!
Why did the Boxer Rebellion fail? They had no Qin
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing? "
What is a communist's favorite fabric? Linen.
Do you know what they call leprechaun pee? Urine luck!
God said, "Thou shall not kill" And then he wiped out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn't take it seriously
I enjoy political jokes... I just don't like when they get elected.
What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard? Sorry you're not my type.
What activity is easier as it gets harder? Pissing on the ceiling
PMS jokes aren't funny PERIOD.
What would you name someone who can predict when people sneeze? Nostrildamus
Justin Beiber's entire entourage has abandoned him... after hearing you can catch cancer from cunts.
You are just like Magic Johnson. But without the basketball skills or the height or actually being anything like him, you just have AIDS.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan I heard the girls are hella thirsty
My wife was shocked when she came home from work last night. I'd wired the door handle to the mains.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Trailer Trash Barbie ...complete with double wide trailer home
Grandpa walks into a drug store Grandpa: "I'd like to buy 99 condoms." Clerk: "Why don't you take 100?" Grandpa: "Hey, hey! I'm not a rapist!"
What is Worse than Ants in your pants? Uncles
Helen Keller joke thread anyone? Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide? You would too if your name was WHHAARRFFUUURRRRGGGGRRRSSSHHHAAAAALLLLLLOOOPPPPMMMNNN!!!!!
Yo Mama so fat her Patronus was a cheeseburger..
How did Steve get the clues? Blew the dog
What do you call 10 politicians at the bottom of the sea? A good start.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
YES! Some of the breast augmentation websites aren't blocked at work! SWEET FREEDOM!!!
I just got my medication for my depression. I'll kill myself if I don't take it.
What do you call a door with no legs? A door.
Dark humor is like food Some people just don't get it
Perry was busy building a defensive palisade around the Musketeer compound, but it was leaning over badly. Suddenly Porthos spots the enemy and yells 'Attack! Perry, REPOST!'
Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud? Because he then becomes filthy Rich.
[pet therapy] THERAPIST: ok slow ME: *pets 2 dogs* T: just 1 M: *pets 3 dogs* T: Nurse, restrain him, he's M: *pets 4 dogs* T: roverdosing
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[gazes up at moons] [that's right in this tweet there's several moons] [girl kisses me] [that's right in this tweet I am not human garbage]
Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.
A dad walks in on his son watching porn. The son says, "Well, at least you know I'm straight, dad." The dad says, "Not after tonight, son."
I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.
Mayweather will probably win against Pacquiao He gets extra practice with his wife.
Two ninjas walk into a bar. Or do they?
I like my women like I like my wine. Locked in a cellar.
Have you seen the new karate opera? Critics are calling it sensei-tional.
Millennials make the best spys... They've got nothing to lose.
My doctor constantly says I'm artistic. I don't know why he keeps mispronouncing it, though
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it's giving me serious ideas, folks
Sometimes when I say "I'm OK", what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say "You're not OK" and hand me $10,000.
Hey man, 1980 called. It wants its--oh, can you hold on? I've got 1945 on the other line, and he's conferencing in 1973 so I should get this
Why some people like Donald Trump... Because he doesn't beat around the "Bush"
they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him? grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow
What is the only type of alcohol muslims are allowed to drink? TAKBEER!
I hate when someone steals my idea before I've had it.
Sometimes I'll send a tweet, notice a typo in it, delete it, re-send it, notice a different typo, unplug computer, change my name and move.
*At The Opera* Her: Where are you going? Me: I have to go to the Men's Room. Her: I have the car keys. Me: Shit!
Conversation between two psychologists "I've developed a way to study patience" "What kind of patients?" "All of them"
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
A context joke Have you ever noticed that when you say, "I hope you're hungry" in a place like America it's nice. But if you say that in Africa it is a cruel joke.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush.... and other days... I take my medication.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face. A joke from a 3 year old who thought it was hilarious, but probably didn't understand it.
Why are Democrats stupid enough to believe in climate change? Because they were vaccinated as children.
Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.
If at first you don't succeed... try try being redundant.
What did the survivor of cranial sodomy say to the police after the incident? "At night when I close my eyes I can still hear them coming..."
Why was yellow angry at red? Red blue green.
Why does Highlander 2 exist? There can only be one.
There was a young barmaid... There was a young barmaid from Sail, On her breasts were the prices of ale, And on her behind For the sake of the blind; Was the same information in braille.
What noise does a train say when it eats Chew Chew *crap joke*
What does a redneck say after sex? Thanks, sis.
Him: Why do you carry a knife? Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*licks stamp* hmmm tastes weird *mails letter* hmmm mailbox had wings *drives home on flying monkey* hmmm that wasn't a stamp
For some reason I always cry during sex. I'm starting to think it might be the pepper spray.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cotton ! Cotton who ? Cotton a trap !
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? You give him aids
N.W.A. i was straight outta chocolate syrup and very upset so i nicked some from my roommate. i am a nicker with attitude
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break! Age 25: Exercise reduces stress! Age 35: My doctor says I'll die immediately if I don't do this
I saw something yesterday that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it.
Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you...MUCH WORSE!
Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.
I WAS LIKE AND HE WAS LIKE AND I WAS LIKE AND SHE WAS LIKE (The speech impediment of the 21st century)
What do you call a bovine beauty pageant winner? A big Miss Steak.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered "You too" when the barista said "Enjoy your bagel."
What do you do when you get into a fight with a group of clowns? Go for the juggler. This is my favorite joke that I have read on here.
[used car] ME: my credit's bad SALESMAN: k ME: i'm a criminal SALESMAN: no law against that ME: i'm on the run SALESMAN: then you need a car
If you can't beat them, try again when they're sleeping.
If I pour superglue into a non-stick frying pan, somebody is going to be wrong, right?
hah woops!! someone asked me what's up, i tried to say "not much" and "just chillin" at the same time, accidentally said "hitler was cool"!!
What gives wookies cancer? Chewbacco
Windows 10 The punchline is in the title.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 332 words.
What do you call a boat that gives fresh breath? A Shipmint!
Whenever I reach 88 mph in my car, I always make a Back to the Future time traveling sound effect inside my head... ...and that's usually followed by a police siren sound effect outside my car.
Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs. Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.
[job interview] You sure you know what it means to be a real estate developer? [i picture myself yelling at a building to try harder] Yes
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who's the idiot now Mom!?
A lawyer takes the bar
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar? They got 6 months each.
I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I'm a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight
Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital? It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.
What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay? I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.
What's the difference between an old joke and a new one? Nothing. We're on reddit
Google in the 80s "I'm sorry, did you mean to search for *Deaf Leopard*?"
So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid Guess that makes it Priustoric
I run and I run and I run and I run but I don't go anywhere. What am I? A third-party candidate in the U.S.
My partner is a dog person, I'm not. Gets really fucking inconvenient every full moon.
How do you start a rave in Ethopia??? You staple food on the ceilings.
I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.
Circumcision How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: why did the blond stare at her orange juice for 2 hours? A: because it said "concentrate"
"Look at me! I'm a ninja!" - 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.
Wanna watch Netflix in H? I'll give you the D later.
I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early. But he kept his Word.
I bet you are a Taurus... because you are a fat cow.
wwow i dropped my phone with my twitter open and people crowded around reading it and applauding and women threw roses and kissed my feet
~ Gets old. Puts car keys in 'better' place so I won't lose them ~ Can't find keys, has thrombosisDies ~ Comes back as ghost ... finds keys
Someone rang me up today and tried to sell me a coffin. I said that's the last thing I need.
#GrandTheftAutoMemories banging a hooker in my car, shooting her to get my money back, then going home to play Grand Theft Auto.
"These diet pills better work," I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his tea before it was cool.
I put an ice pack on my crotch And then I cold-cocked my girlfriend.
I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
Do you guys/gals like horse jokes? Yeah or neeiiigghh?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brazil ! Brazil who ? Brazil support a girls chest !
My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know? Clearly not as much as me.
I love you so much, I'll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I was dating a strong, independent, black doorknob recently. She was quite difficult to handle
Did you hear about the guy with a jurisprudence fetish? He got off on a technicality...
"We should clean the bathroom." "Why? Are we moving?"
In his college years Jesus could turn oregano into weed
I once saw my grandparents have sex And that's why I don't eat raisins
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you? *Whirls Around* Me: I'm not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I'm drinking!!
what's al qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
Why are there so many women archeologists? Because they love digging up the past.
Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
What happens when a man of jewish descent runs into a wall with an erection? He breaks his nose.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the "Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen" that should confuse her for a while.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
What does the skeleton say when ganking bot lane? BETTER TO RUN THAN CURSE THE ROAD
Two Fish Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he's brain dead
I put the "native" in descriminative... Wait, that's not good.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
just found out today that monkeys don't lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating
Why did the chicken cross the road?... It chickened out. (Sorry if repost) (Also, first post so be nice :) )
Damn, girl. Are you r/Jokes? Because you tell me the same stupid shit over and over.
What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans? Eventually the baby stops crying
[Victora's Secret] Wife: You're the most supportive person I know. *A person made of bras walks by* Me: Um what about that guy?
Me: Phone a friend Judge: That's not how this works
What's the difference between an old bus depot and a lobster with big tits? One is a rusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.
What's a peasant's favorite sport? Serfing.
Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on Facebook maybe they wouldn't get heartbroken so often.
Love so rare, you can still hear it moo.
Did you know Sasha Grey retired? It's fine though, at least she went out with a bang!
What does bill Clinton say to Hilary after sex? Honey, I'll be home in twenty minutes
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'
I went to the store today and seen this sausage begging her mom for an overly expensive purse. She then began to cry when her mother said no.. What a brat
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls... This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a "waist"? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there
So I heard they're demolishing Hitlers house Anne Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't do it already. I hope they step on the gas and burn the place down.
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!  (Edit: Say it out loud if you don't get it)
Sea Shells Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because the D shells are to big.
A use for a banana Bring a banana instead of a sign if you're protesting to ban Ana.
Why does Jesus always leave a door open for you? Because he was born in a barn.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website.........3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Don't move to Mars because of president-elect Trump. Last I checked, it was a red state.
Operators are standing by. Untold numbers of them. In shadows. The forest grows dark with operators.
Being half German and half Jewish has its problems... Every time I walk by an oven I want to push myself in.
Parties: for those times you're just dying to clean up twice in twelve hours.
Girl do you play basketball? Because I hear you can make Magic with my Johnson.
A guy walked into a bar... He said ow.
TIL that the FDA has recommended a permanent ban on all shredded cheeses be put in place immediately. It's part of an official federal plan to make America grate again.
My autocorrect just changed "I'm off" to "I'm DTF" and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Another friend of mine is a very successful  businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes  fifty-five million.
I became a father late last night. Reddit, what are your best dad jokes?
This girl's skinny jeans are so Goddamn tight, I think I finally know what a Pancreas looks like.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that shit under control.
LPT: Easy way to soak up that extra alcohol in your stomach! Throw up on a sponge.
What's green and says "hey I'm a frog"? A talking frog! Stolen from "Friends" still hilarious.
What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman.
What do you call a two-headed lesbian dinosaur? Eat-a-lotta-puss
What is Mozart doing now? He is de-composing
If Mature woman who likes young men is a Cougar. What is a Mature man who likes young women? An Inmate
just realized horses can't hug and now I can't sleep
God created man... and He used your face as a rough draft....
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I used to live right in the core of the Big Apple. Unfortunately I had to move because it was a bit too seedy.
What killed Phil Hughes? Ebola.
Whats the difference between Yoghurt and the USA? Yoghurt has a culture.
I'm still upset they never let me bunt in tball.
What is a Cannibal? Someone who is fed up with people.
how do trains fall in love? it attracks another one.
"Needless to say... ..."
Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street. They pass a playground where a little boys playing. The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Hey you want to screw that kid?" The Rabbi replies, "Out of what?"
Why isn't "cheating" a relationship status on Facebook?
We now return to 'CANADIAN SNIPER' *canadian sniper shoots an enemy* *canadian sniper yells 'sorry' from far away*
Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem? He was a real quackhead.
Teacher: Johnny, use the words 'defeat", "deduct" and "detail" in a sentence. Johnny: Yes ma'am. "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey". So I showed her a picture of her hair.
Mixed martial arts? Why you gotta make biracial people fight each other though?
Why do people in wheelchairs have such low confidence? Because they never stand up for themselves.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Losing an Electric Drill by Andy Gadget
How can you tell if an envelope is gay? It comes in the mail.
My wife and i were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
One day in the Kwik-E-Mart A customer asked "could you give me two bags, Apu?" but Apu couldn't give two shits.
Dads are like boomerangs.... I hope. Edit: Guys I'm so confused, wtf is going on
What do you call a book club that hasn't changed their book in a thousand years? Church
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well you have to remember that everything is energy so...
Why do Women get So Big when they're Pregnant? To give their kids a wide birth.
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates? Because he's married.
Why did the alcoholic never realize his dream of becoming a lawyer? He just couldn't pass the BAR.
I met a prostitute with a degree in philosophy. She'll blow your mind, man.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
What's the difference between the Holocaust and the Boston Marathon Bombing? The Boston Marathon Bombing ended a race.
What do you call a woman with no ass? A friend
Can a cigar box? No, but a tin can.
What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon? He wasn't able to stir.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
There was a man who said... ... "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late."
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he was drinking it before it was cool
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake? A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
The EU is like a box of chocolates; Nobody likes the Turkish.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in, one to pour the wine, and one to say 'marvelous, simply marvelous!'
Left the waitress a tip of $4.04. Now I'm concerned she won't be able to find it.
Where does Neckwear go on vacation? Thailand.
Yo momma so poor She opened up a gmail account so she could eat the spam.
Only an ass can be divided in half.
What do you call it when you drop an apple on the ground? A fruit by the foot
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? A: He has got no beef.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
Idioms are for the birds
What did the scientist say when he discovered the lowest possible temperature? OK
I asked a magician, "Can you pull a rabbit out of a hat?" "No, but I can pull a hare out of my ass" - (More effective told out loud) :P
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The Chinese language actually evolved from the English language... it all started off when one person whispered something to the next person, then he whispered it to someone else, and so on...
I wonder if ugly people make a pretty face when they orgasm.
What kills thousands of smokers a year? Natural Causes
After 12 years in prison ..... After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"
Cop said that it's illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car. I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
What do you call oral sex with a fresh corpse? A David Blowie.
"We need to talk" *stop, drops and rolls *Army crawls out of the room
Pokemon. Stds are like Pokemon. Ya gotta catch em all.
I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.
The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!
What do you get if you cross Prince Phillip and The Queen? Killed in a car crash.
Which weapon has the least amount of drawbacks? A bow.
A lady was looking for a turkey... A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he's in all black & I'm telling her we worship the dark lord.
What do you call a black Asian bird? Croatian.
What's the difference between abortion and terrorism? Terrorism is funded by the US government!
Yo mama is so fat that she is voting for Sanders COLONEL SANDERS
If you think colours aren't funny then you lack a sense of hue-mour
What do you call communist memorabilia? Trotsky's.
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
Are you British Explorer James Cook? Cuz I wanna turn yo land down under into a penal colony.
Taco Bell is serving breakfast now. Because why wait until afternoon when you can get diarrhea first thing in the morning!TM
Life is like a box of chocolates It's full of nuts, expensive, and severely disappointing.
My favorite one liner ever!!! Last night I walked into a bar it hurt
My mother-in-law got into a car accident and broke both her legs and arms even god knows what a snake she is
A man just got a car for his wife. Now, thats what you call a fair trade.
I would send a joke but my autobiography hasn't come out yet
Why are camels considered the ships of the desert? They are full of arab semen.
What word starts with F and ends with UCK? Firetruck
Fallout 4 doesn't come out in Japan until Dec. 17th Which is fair because they got the original fallout 70 years before us
It's hard to tell jokes to shoreline oceanographers They always take things littorally.
How does an Argentinean commit suicide? He climbs up on his ego and then jumps off.
Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for an hour... light him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
(._.) ( I: ) (.-.) ( :I ) (._.) They see me rollin', they hatin'
This recent question was presented to a German national: What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference?' He answered: I don't know and I don't care!'
Why do you look out the window in the morning? Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.
Chinese guy enters a grocery shop... A chinese guy enters a grocery shop and asks: -- "Chunshun guashi Coca Cola" The shopkeeper responded: -- "A bottle of what?"
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
People ask me where I see myself in 5 years. I don't know. I don't have 2020 vision.
[One to tell militant women]: how many women on their period does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [Meekly] ^just ^one...
It is so cold that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own wife to keep warm!
What did the mama pig give her baby pig for its rash? ***OINKMENT!*** &gt; (This exchange that I found on /r/tumblr makes this joke even funnier to me: &gt; http://i.imgur.com/EzT0Bkd.jpg)
I would tell you a complicated joke But there is no chance that your incapable human mind has any possibility of comprehending what it means.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
What does a british man say when he's about to climax? I'm arriving
Today's no reddit day. Don't reply to this
A great excuse for being late is "I don't know how to tell time"
"Why did you dry these grapes?" "No raisin"
What do you get when you sleep with all 140 characters of twitter? A rashtag.
What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile? The spelling and pronunciation.
Jim: I'm totally spacing out on a word. Me: OK J: What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink? M: Linda.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it
I heard there was a fight at the fish and chip shop. Two cods got battered.
at Nike advertising meeting I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don't care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I made a joke for my dog tonight... Why did the cat cross the road? Splat *clap my hands*. It didn't!! (My dog loved it.)
I'm no longer with a girl because she lied about her weight. She died in a bungee jumping accident.
Bring back your best yo mama jokes. Yo mama is so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
People like to say that men and women are alike... But there's a Vas Defrens
Allergies I have allergies to Pollen. I just realized that's plant sperm. Now when people ask "What are you allergic to?" and can tell them Plant Spern
I'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist....i hear there's plenty of openings.
Why should you never take a pig out on a date? She might squeal on you.
How are we going to know when America is officially great again? Is there going to be a party, like on a giant ship, with a banner?
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength? Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict. Intvr: Do you mean "knack"? *pulls out pillow*
Wheat derived protein is totally innocuous and not at all evil... ... Hail seitan!
My GF can't stand that I'm a model Prisoner
So Ramadan started the other night. I too like to celebrate. I like beef Ramadan noodles, but only use half the packet cause of the MSG.
What did the lunatic vacuum cleaner salesman say to his son before murdering him? Dyson.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
What do you call a bear who's just got too much darn cartilage? A gristly bear.
It's fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you're sleeping & know when you're awake it's "creepy" and "sir, you're under arrest"
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they're safe for a day, but why aren't they good enough for a holiday meal?
Has Jack Johnson done a TED talk on chillaxing yet?
A duck walks into a drug store, He goes and puts lip stick on the check out counter. The cashier asks, "will this be cash or check?" The duck says, "neither; just put it on my bill."
Never trust a stairwell. Every time you turn around, it's a new story!
Why are Japanese people all skinny? Because of their national diet.
JOKE - Boy and His Train Set
Why does a woman smile when walking down the aisle? She knows that she no longer has to give blow jobs.
I signed up for some Meteorology courses. MET 104 Standing in Deep Water MET 105 Standing in Heavy Rain MET 106 Acting Amazed
I was standing out side the other day and a bat flew at my head it was a Louisville Slugger and I don't remember much after that.
Black Friday is when Kim Kardashian shops for a new husband.
What happens to the taxidermist after he eats? He gets stuffed.
One of Hillary Clinton's personal emails... [deleted]
Don't smoke kids... Because smoking kids is illegal.
Why can't Jimmy ride his bike? Because he has no limbs Kinda dark, I know. It's just for those out there who would chuckle at this. ;D
Time to buy a new car, a bigger TV, a better cell phone and a faster laptop so I'll finally be happy! (Repeat over and over until you die)
Why is it bad that Peyton Manning shilled for Budweiser? Because he clearly owed the win to Miller.
What do you want for dinner? 4: A bucket.. *Googles better school districts
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if  the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course!
Why did the bunch of grapes exile one of the grapes? It was a persona non grappa.
I know it's a tetherball pole in a public park. But, where else can I practice my sweet, sexy dance moves on a Sunday morning?
Most guys think i look like an angel... because they don't see me.
Whenever I meet someone for the first time, I avoid telling Titanic jokes because they're terrible at breaking the ice.
Tim Cook just came out as gay... I wont be surprised if the Samsung CEO suddenly becomes gay too.
I'd really love to study Philosophy... But I Kant.
There are two cow's are in the field and the cow said moo and the different cows said that's what I was going to say!!!!! Because they are cows
Scientists say, six out of seven dwarves are not happy. -- As seen on QI.
Why is it called necrophilia and not sexual intercorpse
PUN FRIDAY! comment your favorite puns, please
If I wore these clothes yesterday but no one saw me in them, did I really wear them.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Name a famous explorer "Name a famous explorer that has been forgotten", asked my son "Internet explorer.", I replied.
What did the Mexican Fire Chief name his two sons? Jose and Hose B.
When I die, I might have an open casket funeral. Remains to be seen.
I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended. Chemo patients are so sensitive.
I forgot my baby was in the backseat of my car and I accidentally threw my case of beer on him He was ok though. It was light beer.
Science, Philosophy and Religion What is Science? Looking for a black cat in a black room. What is Philosophy? Asking whether there is a black cat in a black room. What is Religion? "I HAVE THE CAT"
[sees ghost in my room] Ghost: don't be scared Me: I'm not Ghost [points to wet patch]: you're a little scared Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Yo momma's so fat, she uses the Large Hadron Collider as a hula hoop.
If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware? I dunno, Alaska.
What do u call an ethopian with a slice of cheese on his head? A quarter pounder with cheese.
My surgeon says I'm the easiest patient to work on. Because I'm gutless, spineless, and my brain and colon are interchangeable.
[as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis
I pulled on a door that says push. Cause I don't let a fuckin door tell me what to do.
I'll never have a stable job I don't really enjoy working with horses
reading a book about anti-gravity and its impossible to put down
what's your pitch? "so this guy steals from the rich..." ok "and gives to the poor" nice. what's his name? "Robin..." haha I love it "Hood" wait
My girlfriend recently asked me if I wanted to get more serious. I said, "What do you think we can do to keep the second amendment while making sure terrorism and crime are not enacted?"
Why did the Eagle go to store to buy some Rogaine? To cover up his bald spot.
New warning label: Quitting cigarettes significantly increases the amount of money you will have for pot.
When I grow up... Growing up I wanted to be a gynecologist. I could almost taste it.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? He didn't want to get spotted.
I just got fired, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable Apparently, nursing homes have "strict rules" around what you can do with the patients.
Classic Russian Reversal Old one, but I still find it funny: In America, you go out to find a party. In Soviet Union, party finds you!
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I'm thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I'd still just be talking to myself
Before I say a wtc joke... On a scale of 9 to 11, how offended are you by it?
Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet ? He wanted to see the floor show !
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I like my women like I like my onion rings. Battered.
What do you call an insect with magical powers? A spelling bee.
I'm giving up alcohol for a month.... Wait, sorry. That came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... ...they'll kill your dog.
Is it true that in prison sometimes a man will try to kiss another gentleman even if he doesn't want to kiss him back?
Einstein quietly lays in bed next to a obviously disappointed partner.. After a few minutes of awkward silence he turns to her and says, "You see, it was fast to you..."
Irony Jokes Won't it be Irony to Die in a Living Room
Why did the hipster burn his tongue drinking tea? Because he didn't wait for it to be cool.
Your clever title is half the joke.
Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have.
What has now become the least popular donut in Egypt De Plain! De Plain!
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
How do you find an obese woman's vagina in the dark? Go through the folds of fat until you smell shit, then go back one.
Why is Wendy never pregnant? Because Peter's sperm Neverlands.
Why doesn't Jesus enjoy manicures or pedicures? Because they always try to mess with his nails.
The rising new trend is " An@l Bleaching ". Usually I would be against such an activity ,but....Some ***holes do need to LIGHTEN UP !!
What do you call a fat kid with 3 teeth and a lazy eye? Names.
Meant to text a girl "Wanna hang?" Wrote "Wanna gang?" She wrote "Sure." I've got some serious decisions to make.
What is the most uptight human instinct? Sex, there's hundreds of thousands of sex offenders.
Why has /r/jokes won an environmental award? Everything gets recycled.
What do you call a guy that never farts in public? A privet tutor
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
Dear Santa, My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Finally found a house! We couldn't afford it and it wasn't for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity? ME: let me double-check with my counsel *moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods* ME: thats correct ur honor
Get a free debt analysis by visiting your parents this holiday.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
Why did NBC add the Michael J. Fox Show to its line-up? To shake things up on network tv.
Have you heard about the man with no dick ? he came outta nowhere
Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him.
The CEO of Nutella has died. A memorial dinner will be served straight from the jar, over the sink at midnight.
In World War 3, which country would retreat first? Iran.
Homework is like a penis.... its long and hard unless you're asian.
If someone tells you they made something with "love" DO NOT EAT IT! Cause that is just way too nasty.
[Spanish Joke] Cual es el marido de la ballena? El autobus, porque va lleno!
Getting real sick of all the Dragon Ball Z references... Just Saiyan...
My roommate just called my clothes gay.. Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it's referring to Noah's evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I just smashed into a Smart Car... It's totalled. But at least my bike is fine.
Did you know that Iceland... ...is only one sea away from Ireland?
What do you give an injured alligator? Gatorade
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?? A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.
How did Popeye keep his tool clean? NSFW He dipped it in Olive Oyl
Why was the legless man immortal? Because he couldn't kick the bucket.
a guy got an Interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$ Boss: welcome on board
Getting Old- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
"Ah, Mr Bond, I-" *closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers* "-wasn't expecting you."
Bill Cosby is a lot like Freddy Kruger. They both come in your nightmares.
She might be Satan, but if I'm going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.
What does the arabs put in their Mexican food?? Allah-penos
Suzy Why did little Suzy fall of the swing set? She has no arms... Knock knock? Who's there? Not Suzy
I put my Grandma on speed dial... I call that instagram!
Fun Fact: Jared Fogle was a Mormon I heard he graduated top of his class at Bring Em Young University
My punchlines are like lost baggage... you should get them in a couple of days. - George Watsky
The first rule of recursion club is the first rule of recursion club
Why do Jews have blue penises? Because they're tight-fisted wankers.
I like my coffee like I like my women... no penis
Whats the difference between Shaq and Koybe Bryant? One is a Holocaust denier, and the other one rapes women and gets away with it.
[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert] please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation
What do a feminist and a policeman have in common? Q: What do a feminist and a policeman have in common? A: They're both trigger-happy.
Latvian Jokes Latvian Olympian win silver medal in skeleton. Wishes silver medal was potato. Still is hungry.
Did you hear about the new drug that makes its users apathetic? It's called Crystal Meh
I've never seen squirrels fucking, but they've never seen me fucking either, so we have that in common.
Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can't figure out the car alarm?
Which side of the plate does the phone go on?
Why doesn't each pokemon have an additional poke ball? Testicular cancer
What do you call a Thu'um that makes a dragon orgasm? A Cu'um.
How many alternative school kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but they get extra credits for it
I'm not poor. I'm big-loaned.
I'm so old I thought "stfu" was a reminder to pack my "shoes, tie, fedora, underpants."
If you're making out with a Thai girl, what's the first thing you should ask yourself? Am I feeling nuts?
I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? ...Yarn
Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed! 
Did you hear about the hippie who got lost at sea? He was too far out!
Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.
How to offend a lot of redditors at once? You're penis
I ran into Donald Trump on other day He looked pretty flat when looked in my rear view mirror.
Why did the monkey fall from the tree? Because it was dead.
Goldfish One day, baby goldfish went to ask him father : "Dad, why do our memories only last for 3 seconds?" "What son?" "What?"
(Quick one-liner joke:) Why are pretty women like pianos? Because when they're not upright, they're grand!
You're an asshole Superman.
Did you hear about the Kidnapping? Don't worry, he woke up
How did Donald Trump get his tonsils removed? Vladimir Putin wore a spiked condom.
What's the difference between bullets and everyone ? Everyone misses Harambe.
I before e except after c Weird science
A man walked into a communist school... only to find that they had no classes.
Getting over a musical upbringing is as simple as a 1, 2, a 1, 2, 3, 4.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his sons? Jose and Hose B
What's the difference between organized crime and politics? One's organized.
Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.
*wears an "Only God Can Judge Me" t-shirt to court*
My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in... That's how small my cock really is.
I once tried to become a Nazi... ...but killing people was outside mein kampf-ort zone.
Did you guys hear about the gay astronaut? He landed on Uranus
Nut allergic people can't get anything for free Because the stuff they buy must be nut free
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-Sore-Arse
I met the donkey from Numbers 22... He was a pretty cool guy... What? Did you expect him to be an ass?
What do colleges and penises have in common? They're both long and hard, unless you're Asian.
Whats worse than Bad command or File name? Windows update message asking you to restart your computer
Twitter, because my work isn't just going to ignore itself.
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
What do you call a black and white spotted cow? A moo-latto!!
Q: Why is the letter E like London? A: Because it is the capital of England.
You know what they say If the water slide is broken, the log ride's still open!
*puts little Santa hat on cat* Hahaha Santa claws *puts little Santa hat on dog* Hahaha Santa paws
Poor Bob Holness Only been at the pearly gates five minutes, when Amy Winehouse stumbles over and asks 'can I have an E please Bob'.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
What do old people smell like. Depends.
How do you make a baby cry? Drop it. How do you make a baby stop crying? Drop it again.
i may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented i forgot where i was going with this
Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?
When I was getting a prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.. "Over there, beside mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner? Turkey.
I like my coffee like I like my women... lightly roasted for that full bodied flavor.
Has anyone seen what's up with that Subway Jared guy lately?! He got fat again!
My wife is my sex object Everytime i ask for sex, she object.
My little brother urinated all over my new laptop. I think he needs to learn to use Ctrl P.
My roommate thinks I have schizophrenia Which is weird because I live alone.
What's a good article I should open as a new tab and not look at for weeks until my browser crashes?
China must be a huge sausage-fest by now.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina ? Only SOME of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
Jedi Knights love analogies. "Metaphors be with you!"
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ?  A headbanger !
A young blonde, leaving home for a one week visit to New York, was told by her mother to put on clean socks every day. By the end of the week she couldn't get her shoes on.
What's the thin line between love and hate? A condom.
Yo mama's so intrinsic she compounds daily. All my finance majors out there.
You know what I call it when cute girls cut themselves? Damaged goods, damaging the goods.
Scientists have found the number one cause of pedophilia. Sexy children.
What does it take to kill a joke bad timing
I hope my last words are something cool like, "Can I hold your cobra?"
Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I only date black girls... Because I hate meeting fathers.
What do vegetable do when they got robbed? They dont.
Namaste or Namago.
What do whiteblood cells and Trump have in common? They hate foreigners.
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
What is the most painful cereal known to man kind? Banana Nut Crunch.
The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died. Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.
Did you know Hitler was blinded in WW1? That's when he became a not-see
i made this joke up last week my friends say too soon knock knock who's there chris brown chris brown who who da fuck chris brownn dis ray rice bitch(punch to face) git out the elevator
Sometimes I make statements in the tone of a question?
My girlfriend is like the square root of 2. Irrational.
How can you tell if a black girl is pregnant? You stick a chicken wing up her vagina and it comes out clean.
When is a mass shooting not a mass shooting? When it involves energy, because energy had no mass.
What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car? The bear maximum
The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is so weird. It's like, "We know you read us for sports but how about this week you just beat off?"
[high school reunion] Amanda: wow, you haven't changed a bit me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Lego man: Is it because I'm block?
How did the T-Rex feel after working out? [OC] Dino-sore
Hard to believe that Twitter is six years old. Seems like just yesterday that I spoke to my family.
What's the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin.
They say when you find a sea shell, pick it up, and put it to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Do you know why that is? Cause you're on the fuckin beach.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
What did the Florida boy have on his feet? Crocs
What do you call a kid who falls into a gorilla enclosure? Zoolander
Originally I didn't like having a beard but then it grew on me.
Want his attention? Send nudes Want to piss him off? When he responds, reply "Oops, wrong person"
I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It's slightly weirder now that I'm in my 20s and doing it on purpose.
So a pirate walks into a bar... The bartender says "You look so annoyed!". The pirate points down and says "Yargh - I have a steering wheel at the end of my penis. It's drivin' me nuts!"
Doctor... can I bathe with diarrhea? Hmm, yes if you shit enough...
when chuck Norris went to find Bigfoot, Bigfoot copied him self to escape from chuck
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus
I heard your mom won a gold medal! I didn't even know they had sumo wrestling at the Olympics!
September 1st Never forget
Yo momma so fat The U.N sends her a strongly worded letter for occupying too much space.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[ during job interview ] - "Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?" - "I give up, why?"
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
I never thought that the Internet was very  useful but now I've changed my mind. Let's hope your new one works better then the one you had before.
Sports: The legal way to buy a black person.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it "the house"..
The term "Grammar Nazi" is no longer as common It is now called the "alt-write".
What did the proctologist say to the guy with glued ass cheeks? You're in some sticky shit.
"She's so hot. But she had, like, no mascara on. It's a no go for me." -dudes, according to ladies
There's probably one fireman in every house who likes to work the pole in front of the other guys "as a joke."
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar The bartender says, "You know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?" And the pirate replies, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
What did Napoleon say about the chopped up body? I wanna Bone a part
An Irishman walks out of a bar... ...
Did you hear about the Native American chief who drank 50 gallons of Earl Grey? He was found dead in the morning, drowned in his tee-pee.
Guests are like fish After three days, you should probably get rid of them.
I experimented A LOT in college. (I was a chemistry major.)
Those kids in Sudan would complain a lot less if they knew I struggled every day with having old people hands.
Why did the bareback performer ride his horse?  Because it got too heavy to carry.
Why can't gay students ever have a 4.0 GPA? Because they're not straight A students.
Why dont i watch porn anymore? Because they all suck ass.
If a camera adds 10 pounds... Do African children even exist?
Have you ever had a close call with a shark? No, but one did ring me up long distance once
First time flying huh? -Yeah how could you tell? Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
"Now, tell me I'm pretty" -me as a hypnotist
Thought of this one when i woke up today If someone injects Orange juice into their arm is it a Breakfix?
Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude's pubes out of marble.
I may have to divorce my wife... My son broke both his arms today.
How do you call a black woman who had 7 abortions? ...a crime fighter
Gay deer A gay deer walks out of a bar and says "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks"
Why is a foreign exchange student like a gynecologist? Because they both study abroad!
How many PETA member does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesnt matter. PETA cant chqnge anything!
I could talk about the atomic structure all day... But I'd rather not Bohr you about it.
Did you all hear about the new terrorist group called Al-paca? The leaders name is Olama Bin Laden.
Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?  A lawn moo-er.
21st century kid on Santa's lap-"Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh"
I am a recovering addict... I was addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around.
How do you stop a dog smelling ? Put a peg on it's nose !
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
A man comes home from work and says to his wife, "Honey, I'm thinking about ordering a strap-on dildo from Amazon..." "What do you think? Is that something you could get behind?"
What is the height of slime? A jellyfish having a wank in a bowl of snot.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Bush did NOT do 9/11 EDIT: Last edited by President George Bush, 2002
If you're going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights
I almost had a threesome last night... Just needed two more people.
Why did the college student ask for a refund on his student loan? #Because his *degree* didn't work!
Your mummy joke Your mummers so fat when she put on a beqeny everyone screams Godzilla
Target audience A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.
What do you call it when two well endowed astrophysicists have a gay sword fight? A Large Hardon Collider.
When I say to my kids "sit here and watch cartoons" they hear "come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy."
id like to see an elephant put its foot on donald trump jr's stomach and press down until his guts came out of his mouth
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.
[OC] Why Did the Paradox Cross the road? Because it didn't.
How do you get a kid out from a microwave? Please answer before my wife gets home!
How does a Muslim close the door? Islams it.
Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone? Because he lost his whoremonica
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
What do you get hanging from Father  Christmas' roof? Tired arms!
Why did the felon have so much energy? He was well arrested!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
What did Batman tell Robin before Robin got in the car? "Hey Robin get in the car"!
My girlfriend kept asking me why I wasn't giving her the time of day anymore I said fine! It's 10:43
why send male soldiers into war women on there period is good enough
What college did Michael Jackson go to? Bringham Young
What's the second fastest thing in the world? Your butthole closing up after a poop. What's the first fastest thing in the world? That one drop of toilet water.
What sound does a gay magician make when it disappears? Poof
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall. Worked great! Also, If you've found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Why was Phil Collins... ...never a good betting man? Because he always went Against All Odds.
Why won't a bike stand up by itself? It's two tired.
(NSFW) Fact: The donkey is the only know animal that can reproduce by ass fucking.
Why was the Amish girl kicked out of her community? Too Mennonite
Because Washington passed gay marriage today I threw my human wife in the garbage, fucked 2 donkeys & married a rotisserie chicken.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero.
What do you call a person who worships Doritos? A Chipmonk.
I have body of a 25 year old supermodel But it takes too much space in my freezer
My wife and i lost 150 pounds combined! Shes much prettier without those other 149 weighing her down
Wife opening mail to spouse: "The bank says that this is our last notice. Isn't it wonderful that they're not going to bother us anymore?'
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ............no matter how magnificent they look.
Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can't you be humble like your mother?
I was sitting in traffic today and I got run over.
Who always wins the insect election? The lesser of two weevils.
I can't wait to get home and rip my wife's knickers off... They're bloody killing me!
What is the difference between my girlfriend and a washing machine? After I dump my load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there's no hard feelings
What does American beer and sex on a boat have in common? They're both fucking close to water
You know whats worse... Then fingering your sister. finding your dad wedding ring
6.9 what is 6.9? a really great thing ruined by a period
What do you call a forty something guy who masturbates all the time? Married
What do you do if somebody dies Christmas Eve? Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning
After all of the screaming I've done, you'd think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
What sport is played in Spanish churches? La Cross
Jesus was on his way from heaven to Earth for the Second Coming, but his car broke down along the way. He was driving a Chrysler.
What do you call a pregnant cow, just after giving birth DeCALFeinated
How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt? A Terra Bite
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[starbucks] One tall iced latte please "Ok, can I have a name?" Well ok but it really should come from your parents
It's okay to smoke weed in the rain, but don't in hail
Today is my birthday... and I'm Jewish.
Life is like toilet paper... ... you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
My girlfriend just got a job as a circumcision doctor The base pay isn't the best but boy does she get a lot of tips!
Racist humor ;) Why are there so many black people in Detroit??? It's because they heard there was no jobs there.
A man walks into a Japanese bar... he wants a vodka, so he walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a Stoli the bartended replies, "Once upon a time..."
Millions of Thanksgiving turkeys recalled. It seems that someone forgot to butter their balls before they left the factory.
You'd think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.
"Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."
Why did the philanthropist learn how to subtract? Because he wanted to make a difference. My first original, time for open mic!
How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.
What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on my organ.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
What's the difference between Hitler and Trump? Hitler knew when to kill himself.
Why don't vikings send e-mails? They prefer to use Norse code.
Ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.
2016 ends with Mariah Carey dying On the stage.
10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.
What's another name for an irrational fear of clowns? Common sense.
the united states russia argentina and germany walk into a bar...... germany turns to argentina and says "hey wanna go into the country with me" HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH get it?
You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country. Always asking for change.
What's the best part about getting a puppy? Getting new shoes every week.
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits till puberty to come all over a kid's face.
Photographers never like it when a camera can't take pictures. They shutter at the thought.
"I'll sleep when I die" - person who doesn't really understand sleeping or dying.
What happened to the girl who put too many deviating data into her box plot? In the end her spread was so large she had to present it without any whiskers.
What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with Toilet Paper They both go around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!
Technically everyone who's not a doctor is premed
I don't really like coffee It's just not my cup of tea
What do you call a vampire in a raincoat ? Mack-u-la !
What's the difference between my penis and a midget dressed as a mouse? Both are small and scare women away... :(
question about god? if god can do anything can he do nothing?
Why should Ray Charles be a psychologist? Because he feels for everyone.
Jokes Brother: Did you put the cat out! Sister: Why, was he on fire?
How do comedians stay in shape? They do set ups.
Don't judge if you don't know me. Unless you're making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do.
Is it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!
What does eating a chick out and being in the mob have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Why do ostriches have long necks? Because their heads are so far from their bodies!
A minister was asked by a politician "Name something the government can do to help the church." The minister replied "Quit making one dollar bills."
I ordered the CliffsNotes version of Snooki's book and they sent me a bar menu, a printout of the urban dictionary and an STD pamphlet.
I used to pay out of pocket for Viagra... it was hard for a long time
Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.
I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.
They're saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
An infinite number of Sean Murray walks into to a bar and gets a refund.
Why don't Polish mothers breast feed their babies? They hate to boil their nipples.
What do Mexicans use to cut a pizza? Little Caesar's
Toast I'd like to propose a toast, but I'm all out of bread.
The first rule of fight club is don't hit hard I'm very sensitive
If you really think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would be pretty much the greatest thing ever.
How does a football player make phone calls?  On a touch-down phone.
What do you with 365 used rubbers? Turn it into a tire and call it a goodyear.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper "I'm seeing someone"
Michael J. Fox He's really just trying to master The Force.
What's the difference between a meth lab and a Ferrari? There isn't a Ferrari in my garage
My dad always told me... Always B sharp and B natural, but never B flat. Safe to say, I'm a terrible musician. Thanks a lot, dad.
What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair? Rolaids
My mate Jim says I might be schizophrenic... which is weird because I don't have a mate called Jim.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender confuses jokes with idioms, and offers the horse water but can't make it drink.
What's long hard and has semen in it? A submarine!
The difference between me and Bill Gates is "th". He makes tens of millions of dollars per year. I make tenths of millions of dollars per year.
Q: Why do cows moo? A: Because their horns don't work.
Don't commit suicide! It's illegal to destroy government property.
Turns out the most difficult stain to remove from bed linens is actually shame.
A man walks into a bar and orders a double Nebraska. The bartender turns around and says "Sorry, we don't have *NE*."
What food are you able to can? Cannibal (can able) food.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty but deer nuts are under a buck.
I found a girl by the train tracks and got head. I would've gone to third base but I couldn't find the rest of her.
Being a gynaecologist is like being a pizza delivery guy. You can smell it but you can't taste it. I'm sure that's what paediatricians say as well
Why did the man with a stammer never get out of jail? He couldn't finish his sentence.
A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet. It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.
I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book... Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost me a fortune in stamps.
I handed a blind guy a sheet of sandpaper. He said he couldn't read the fine print.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?' Kristen: 'Mom you eat it all the time and I haven't seen ANY improvement.'
How do you make a hormone? Or, as this joke was retold to me by my idiotic friend : "How do you make a prostitute upset?"
I miss my ex-girlfriend... I can't seem to hit her.
My girlfriend and I finally decided to try out role-play in the bedroom. I dressed up like Luke Skywalker And she pretended to be a dead fish.
People drive like shit when I'm texting.
[house being raided] [swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
What did one orphan say to the other? Robin, get in the Batmobile!
the idiotic girl Lets like O_O
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Likalotopus
Chris Brown dressed as Deadpool for Halloween and won a costume contest. The runner up was a girl dressed like Rihanna, but he beat her.
Justin Bieber should thank Elton, Adam, and Ricky for making his closet a walk-in.
What did one orphan say to the other? Robin, get in the Batmobile.
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan was getting for christmas? He felt his presents.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I've never looked at a picture of someone's dinner and thought, "If only I could hear this."
What do gamers who switch consoles and mathematicians have in common? They both have problems finding x.
Autocorrect is a great feature... but it can also be your worst enema.
My buddy said I was a horrible wing man last night, but I'm not sure. I ate like 90 of them.
What was the proudest moment of Bill Clinton's life? When he was given Head Of State
if you can't handle me at my worst, you're probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
When 3 people have sex, it's called a threesome... When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. Now I understand why they call me handsome.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face, Mr. Horse?" The horse does not respond because he is a fucking horse.
What did the flight attendant say to the vulture who dragged two dead raccoons onto the flight? I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it's meaning
I'm at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
What did the blondes mom say to her before leaving for a night out? If you're not in bed by one come home.
And that, class is why we keep our mouths shut whilst changing a sewer pump.
What is DJ Khaled's favorite number? 11 Because it has another 1
Why is everyone complaining about Mayweather? We're only 4 days in and I think it's been just fine
Food is like dark humor not everyone gets it
What do you call an apathetic Russian? A So-be-it.
[first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?
A guy walks into a bar... He said "ouch."
what did the trilby wearing neckbeard atheist find in t he synagogue during channukkah m'nora
What's the difference between Super Man and Spider Man ? Super Man wears his underwear over his pants..
'I'm sure it's just water,' I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.
What do you call a japanese homeless guy? Tokyo Drifter
beluga whale backstroke and blowing water http://youtu.be/M6f1vovJTP4
Why do Native Americans dance at strip clubs? They want to make it rain.
my credit score
What is the difference between a hyper-active gamer and someone with a predilection of violence towards sheep? One's a button masher, and the other is a mutton basher.
Why did Comic Sans's girlfriend leave him? He just wasn't her type.
What do you call a shaggy terrorist ? Mr. Boombastic
The key to a good joke Is missed erection
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Why should you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A very soar arse
I would tell you the chemical symbol for sodium... ...But Na.... *rimshot*
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said, "That's the last thing I need."
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I'm hiring her as my personal trainer.
Put the punchline in the title. Jokes suck when people
I know Pluto isn't a planet you moron. Pluto's a dog.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That's so annoying, right? Me: Word
An attractive woman at a bar orders a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her.
Serial Killer What Do You call a man that breaks into a neighbor's house to stab Cereal boxes? A Cereal Killer!
How do ghosts like their chicken cooked? Terri-fried!
The name is Bond. James Bond. James Melvin "Crazy Legs" Bond.
What did Rouge say just before murdering Crimison? Hue hue hue
*breaks into museum* *sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers* *plays a sweet jam on boombox* *krumps right into each beam*
Never tell a joke to a kleptomaniac They take things literally
My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh... That's more like it.
The queen honey bee has sex with up to 40 males a day. Just like your mom.
What do you call a person who drinks way too much soda? A Coke-o-nut.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn't deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
The cat is heat and keeps presenting herself to the dog I'm just sitting here with my finger hovering above the record button.
I just met my 4 day old nephew yesterday, and today he acts like he doesn't even know me. Kids are assholes.
"I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party  for you." "A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"  "That's where I invite a bunch of your friends and if any of them  come I'll be surprised!"
I met my SO while working for a German newspaper It was love at first Zeit
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it.
Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?", push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."
Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop? She forgot to delete her Bowser history
Why did the Skeleton cross the road? Question: Why did the Skeleton cross the road? Answer: To go to the body shop.
I could never fist a girl My hand would always be reaching for a Pringle.
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
Told my GF: "We haven't had sex for almost a month." She replied: "Speak for yourself."
A man came up to me and said, "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." I said, "That is very annoying." He said, "Well I can only apologise."
I can't believe people say people who don't believe in climate change don't care about the environment. Just look how well they recycle their arguments!
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you.  Dog
Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can actually hear them say; "What the fcuk are you doing?"
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
I heard the BEST joke the other day! It was about anti-climaxes.
How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, I just set the bulb down somewhere, now I can't find it. Where the hell did the bulb go?
Why do asians eat dogs? Because they like their dicks?(* eating them ofcourse) I seriously dont know.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Getting carded at the liquor store is better than getting liquored at the card store.
I need constant reassurance, right?
If a man is alone in the forest and nobody is around to hear him, Is he still wrong?
The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away
What do you get when you have an ant with 8 legs? An uncle that has to build a bigger shoe closet...
Woman wearing sweatshirts I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.
Big explosion in a paint factory tonight, 10 people missing, presumed red.
Donald Trump says he'll be more presidential from now on No Juan believes that!
You may be able to tune a piano, but you can't... TUNA FISH
What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? A Moss-cow
[being murdered] Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher Murderer: ...yes Me: and you didnt empty it Murderer: [murder roles reverse]
Why doesn't Mexico have its own Olympic team? Because all those who can run, jump, or swim are already in the US.
Archimedes Principle floats my boat.
"It's going to be amazing!" No, it's not.
What's the difference between pink and purple? Grip.
Where do rabbits learn to fly? The Hare Force
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
I can walk on water ... but I tend to stagger on beer.
An old man went underwear shopping. "Boxers or briefs?" Asked the clerk. "Depends."
Do you know that the Coast Guard requires that you be at least six feet tall? So that if your ship sinks, you can walk back to shore!
How do they separate the men from the boys in the navy? With a crowbar.
How do they tie things down on the space station? They use astro knots.
The softest type of toilet paper is cats.
Why do midgets laugh when they run in fields? Because the grass tickles their balls
Did you hear about the cookie that was litterally made of nothing but grass and dirt? it was a real tuft cookie
[puts cone of shame on dog] ME: (to dog) sory buddy DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? because they're ugly, and they smell bad [and hate jokes](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/d2gmw/why_do_girls_wear_makeup_and_perfume/)
Why did the banker resign? His customers lost interest in him.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents] ME: this zoo is terrible
2 cannibals... ...are eating. One turns the other and says "You know, I really don't like my sister." The other cannibal replies "Fine then, try the pot pie."
The United Kingdom. A country whose name is now ironic.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she'll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
What's a Californians favorite type of comedy? Dry humor
how do u do molly safely? wear a condm.
Scrabble, it's all fun and games until someone loses an I.
Made-up joke from a 9-year old: "Where are the king's armies?" "Up his sleevies."
A snake walks into a bar "How did you do that?"
"You're a ten?" "On the PH scale, Cuz you basic."
What do you call an angry psychiatrist? Therapissed.
Perfect Answer by Father. A little boy says, Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.' Son,' says the dad. That happens everywhere.
wife: Did you work late? [flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending] me:Yep
Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a 'one stop shop' kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.
Guy: you've been a bad girl. Girl: yes baby, punish me. Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I'm going to make a list of my favorite sausages, brat to wurst.
What did the shoes say to the pants? What up, britches?
You know what they say about living on Navy ships? It has its ups and downs.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food, but no atmosphere.
I just got to my Grandpa's house, we have a little talk about politics, and then he says we should watch something intelligent... And then He put on Fox News.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
So I was walking home from work.... And I saw this black guy carrying a tv and I thought it was mine but then I ran home and mine was still there shining my shoes.
Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!" Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"
I heard they're testing a new pill for treating erectile dysfunction It's called coxaflopyn.
Why didn't anyone care about the circus? Because it was irr-elephant
Of all the kisses I've gotten in my life. That is the first.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far out man...
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
What bird can write underwater? A ball-point Penguin!
Yes or no question On a scale of 1-10, what is your favorite color in the alphabet?
There are 10000000 people in a room 1 of them understands binary and the other 127 don't. Decided to make my own variation of the original joke :)
Yosemite Sam would use the N-word.
What does the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
Rob Ford's family have been told they won't inherit any money from his bank accounts But his credit cards will re-sell for several thousand Canadian dollars.
Knock knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes a bad joke.
Did you hear the one about the batman midnight showing? I heard that people were really Fired up about it! too spoon?
My favorite thing about parties at an unknown house is definitely having to dry my hands in the bathroom with a stranger's wet bath towel
I like my women like I like my spaghetti sauce... Prego
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. The fraction guy reminded me of this.
Give the chick a break. Kristen Stewart TOTALLY looks sorry. Or happy. Or sad. Or constipated.
A girl asked me whether I preferred breasts or thighs I replied , " I prefer bubble butts and double D's" Then I got kicked out of KFC.
A cash machine has just charged me two pound for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Son, I wanted to talk to you about masturbation... If you do it too much you'll go blind Dad I'm over here Edit: a letter Heard that in middle school thought you guys might get a chuckle out of it
Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken
What is green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger.
Doctor: "Do you suffer from premature ejaculation?" Patient: "No. I enjoy it."
I haven't gotten laid all year and its not even 2017 yet
My family can't decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws. I won, so we're getting a Meth.
Mom: a little birdie told me you got drunk last night Me: you're the one friggen talking to birds
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, But you'll have to find a really big lightbulb to fit them in there.
What do you call an entrance to a brothel? Hodor.
Knock knock
What musical instrument should you never, ever trust? The Lyre.
Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter? It sure gave them something to chew over.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I've been to 3 different specialists at the Foxsworthy Institute and they still can't be sure whether or not I'm a Redneck. I'm losing hope
Your breath is so nasty.... That people look forward to your farts
I'm in Detroit with $80 in my wallet. Trying to decide if I should treat myself to a nice dinner or buy a house.
What did one triangle say to the other triangle? Hey, we should get together and square dance!
"Eat my pussy, you salty whore!" Said the chef working at a Chinese food restaurant to the prostitute who just spilled her salt on herself and was reluctant to eat the meal before her.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a Porsche? He was going through a midlife ISIS :(
It's a shame what happened to the Dolphins's parents...... I can't imagine being an Orfin
You're so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.
The biggest problem with my business selling pens and pencils..... Having stationery stock
Something people in Walmart have? Colds. Something people in Walmart are missing? Ankles.
Turns out when you're asked who your favourite child is you're expected to pick from your own.
A girl told me her exact age.
The dinosaurs died for our sins.
Im on a new diet. Actually im on 2 diets. I couldent get enough to eat on one.
[nabisco hq] "Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas" *raises hand* "anyone else?" ... ... "ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-" Wheat Thicks
What kind of ship never sinks? A dictatorship. *sobs*
It seems like every kid wants to be Spider-man or Batman now-a-days. They must have terrible parents if they all want to be orphans.
My mom asked me what causes dwarfism... I told her I didn't know as it is of little interest to me.
ur honor, i call GOD as my witness *jury gasps* *nothimg happens* *slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands* damit no Gary sit down
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy... Feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
i cant feel my face when im with you / please untie me / nose is itchy
Because of Politcal Correctness you can no longer say "Black paint". You have to say "Jamal, will you please paint the fence?"
Baby are you an iphone encryption? Because I want to go through your backdoor
My favorite brand of cider is Dicken's. My wife also loves Dicken's cider. (   )
What is the similarity of pizza and your parents? If they are black you will not eat tonight! (Sorry if this racist joke caused any offence)
How do you Organize a Space Party? You Planet!
The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season. The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
My girlfriend told me she was pregnant Me: You gotta be joking! Her: No, I'm serious! Me: Hi, Serious! I'm dad.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There's a good chance they'll be entangled in them and won't be able to run.
The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn't notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt
I'm thinking about moving carreer into building kitchen worktops... but that seems counter productive
Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers. That's because it's imaginary.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
Pulitzer Prize-winner Lois Lane, I want you to meet your new reporting partner, this mysterious stranger who has never held a job before.
What do you call a boy-band composed of stoners? No Direction.
If you have one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have? A bloody big cricket.
What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?  Osama bin Latte
Battered women... ...sounds delicious. But that doesn't make it right!
If you're scared of butter... use cream.
"Man this milk is SO strong. It's got like, 30% lactose or some shit. Whatever that means." -baby parties
What do you call a gay chicken? A cock a dude'll do!
After seeing your latest selfie ... And knowing what you look like in real life.... I'd like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Mum: From now on your going to have free school dinners. Son:But Mum I don't want three school dinners one is more than enough !
I say tomato. You say tomahto. Then I whip out my Webster's dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.
Why should we make Gabe Newell president? There won't be any World War 3. \#gaben2k16
A man goes to see his doctor. Man: Doc, I need to get some birth control for my daughter. Doctor: Is she sexually active? Man: No. She just lays there like her mother.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there'd be one less blogger.
I'll never sleep with a golfer again. The last one kept trying to use a wedge to get the ball in the hole.
Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with "If you're reading this, I'm already dead."
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A PILOT, YOU RACIST!
Why does an elephant have four feet? Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.
A blonde woman one read that over 70% of car accidents happened within 15 minutes of home... She decided it'd be safer to live somewhere else.
Political Correctness has gone mad... You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."
Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory? There specialise in blow up dolls
Why'd the kid drop his ice cream cone? Because he got hit by the bus.
Don't mess around with asexuals They don't fuck around.
Did you hear about the serial killer who was coming out of retirement? He's taking another stab at it.
Watch out for black ice I rode a bike over some black ice. I slipped and fell off, and when I looked up, my bike was gone.
What do you call an Arab with a jet? A Navy pilot, asshole.
What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths? Lefty!
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.
Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor
Why should trees never sign birthday cards? Because they're always so *Sappy*!
Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same. Every time a child is born, a man leaves town.
I got an e-mail saying At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought, "That's just spam."
I entered a contest for short people, and lost. I guess I was overlooked.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
[At Mexican Restaurant] Me:asks for food to be spicy hot Waitress: how hot? Me: Waitress:my people hot or your people hot
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you are... Independant
Why do Physicists make terrible parents? They think their children are small enough to neglect! Adapted from a Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, I forget which one.
[couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*
so a native american walks into a fancy restaurant he says to the guy seating people, I have reservations.
Johnny Depp dresses like a human dreamcatcher.
My neighbors are listening to great music... ...Whether they like it or not!
I bumped into an owl friend of mine... ... who told me he was getting engaged. I said, "You twit, to who?"
Lies I'll never stop telling: 1. I'd never put you in a home, mom. 2. It's 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
What's better than having a 'Brexit' vote about Britain leaving the EU? Not being British.
TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwich Whoops, wrong sub
I'm about to watch 'Funny or Die' on HBO. Wow. Now I'm nervous.. I hope I laugh..
What do you get when astronomers play tic-tac-toe? Exoplanets Thought that one up myself.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can't even afford A washer or a dryer
FISHING TRIP Joseph *casting his line*: Son, your mother thinks it's time I tell you- You're agodpted. Jesus *runs across the lake crying*
Leather's the coolest way to let me know you're a bad ass AND that you don't give a fuck about cows.
Did you hear Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It's for dickheads!
I can't believe the fired me at the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.
Where does the Little Mermaid shop for her dinglehoppers? At the Hair Cutlery.
Apparently it's frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym Who knew
Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's all right, now. In fact, he's fully recovered.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
At this point making fun of Lindsay Lohan feels like laughing at the underprivileged Little League team who has to play in blue jeans.
The American Education System
So I was applying for Art school... I made sure to remind them what happened when Hitler wasn't accepted to art school.
Have you heard about the blind hooker? You've gotta hand it to her
Reddit is the ultimate safe space for the most oppressed human that ever lived... ...The white middle-class American male.
[Ouija board in Starbucks] "Speak to me spirits" O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G G R O S S
Did you hear about the woman who ordered a double entendre at the bar? The bartender reached under the bar whipped it out and gave it to her
Why are farmers cruel? They pull corn by the ears.
Shrek came out in 2001 Good for him
my thoughts and prayers go out to anyone at ComicCon attending a live taping of a podcast
How do you kill 15 flies at once? Slap an African child in the face.
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but in alphabetical order as it should be.
What's the one thing that's worse than putting the punchline in the title?
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the nearest Shell Station!
Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules... ...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
*psst... ok ok be quiet... ssshhh...* uhhh... how do you sell a duck to a deaf guy? WANNA BUY A DUCK?!?! Uh... This joke isn't as good written down :-(
What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics? Not being retarded.
When Vladimir Putin left his home as a teenager he told his dad: "You are now the man of the house."
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn't finished
I got addicted to eating deli meat right out of the refrigerator... But I decided to quit cold turkey.
My father used to put snowballs in the blender and make great slushies Snowballs was a great cat
[1st date, don't let her know you're a panda] "Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes* These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
So far I've kept my resolution to not date any super models.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it is always down the chimney.
If girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice ... Why do they smell like tuna?
Blanket on: too hot, Blanket off: too cold, 1 leg out: perfect, until the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it & drags  you down the hall.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
That fart voided the warranty on our couch.
Whats the difference between a shower and a toilet? Showers take in lost of dirty people, but don't take shit from no one.
Why did you hit your birthday cake with a  hammer? Because you said it was pound cake!
Looks like my milk is expiring tomorrow... Just like America.
Why is C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet? Because they are not Cs.
So i said to my wife... "Every time you correct my grammar, I love you a little bit fewer"
What do you call a crocodile when it robs drinks? Gator-raid. &lt;3 edit: Learned the difference between a crocodile and alligator.
What's the only thing in the world that's bigger than a Samoan man? His wife.
Donald Trump is one of those people you would never let be the banker in a Monopoly game
What do you call a French pole vaulter? A Leap Frog
Judas: C mon Jesus we re gonna be late for last supper Jesus: The what?? Judas: The supper.. we re gonna be late for supper.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I'm in big trouble.
How many countries border Germany? Nein!
the cats out of the bag now... now the cats in the bag but you can still see its tail.. now the cats rolling around in some sand and dirt
:S :C :H :O :O :L - You can't find happy faces.
Stop making history jokes!! They're getting old.
Bar So, a man walks into a bar and says ouch.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can't help eating it.
Why did the man have to sell his hospice? It was a dying business.
I hate it when people don't behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
R.I.P. the phrase "I don't have an opinion on it." Born 1550 - Died 2014
Why couldn't the anthropologist find any Lomekwian tools? They were looking in Oldowan places
How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hella
I decided not to let C into my fancy club. It lacks class.
It's creepy that the only ingredient in fruit is fruit.
How did Oedipus convince his mom to have sex with him? He 'incested'.
Why can a number divided by zero never be found in the dictionary? Because it's undefined.
Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.
Your parent's house: a place where even bad photos find their way into frames.
Honestly, everyone can get fucked... So what if I don't know what 'apocalypse' means? It's not the end of the world!
I see. You're the "don't pigeonhole me" type. Got it.
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
There are three types of people: 1. Annoying people 2. Annoying people I am sleeping with 3. People I haven't met
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat? She doesn't fit into your wife's clothes anymore.
What do you call a burger made from 50% beef and 50% veal? Half Calf
If actions speak louder than words, then why is it the thought that counts?
Picnic Tables What's the difference between a black man and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family of 4.
What do you call a new gym opening up in the finance district Capital Gains
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because it had no Guts.
Adele broke my headphones it always says hello from one side (joke stolen)
Whats the difference between a lesbian and a wheat-thin? Ones a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
What do toys and boobs have in common? They're both made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.
How many optometrist does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 or 2? 1... Or 2? 1 or 2?
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South? Nothing, someone's losing the trailer. -Robin Williams
Lochte: My record is the most credible, because... IM the world record holder.
Why do the say "Amen" in church but not "Awoman?" *Because they sing hymns, not hers!*
Dad asks me have you heard of the new movie constipation? I was all like what, no. And he said, It never came out.
Did you hear about the terrorist who was sent to blow up a car? Well, he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.
Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out.
Nintendo should come out with a sequel to X and Y... It'll be called "The Extra Chromosome"
Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver...
Fun Fact: You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo's inside.
Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.
What is a police called on her period? red bull
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it's been two weeks I'm still waiting to be added.... *my kind of people
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy
Two prostitutes are discussing one asks the other: -What did you ask to Santa Claus this year? the other one answers: -Fifty dollars like everybody else
What does the horny toad say? Rubbit
What does a tight pair of pants and a cheap motel have in common? No ballroom.
So two peanuts crossed the road.. ...and one of them got assaulted.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... when they see a little boy walking towards them. The priest says, "Hey, let's go fuck that little boy over there!" The rabbi says, "Out of what?"
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, "Who Would Jesus Do"?
So, so very handsome If sex between three people is a threesome. And sex between two people is a twosome. Then...I guess I know why everybody calls me handsome.
I once asked a Frenchman if he plays video games. He responded, "Oui." I told him Xbox is better.
"Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way."- Ludacris's cousin, Kurteous
How do you ship 100 jews across the country? Put them in a semite-truck.
How is religion like a penis? You can have a penis, and you can be proud of your penis, but don't shove your penis in my face.
My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.
My sex life is so complex the biggest part is the imaginary one
I've spent 43 years not being productive, skinny, rich & famous. Why start now?
I don't mean to sound like a tough guy but I've been in New York City for almost two hours and I've only cried like 31 times...
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.
Scientists have discovered that radioactive fluids with a half-life of 3 years take a long time to travel through valves
How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet
TIL a post won't be removed if it is in the wrong subreddit.
Contrary to popular belief, you actually CAN drink lava But only once
What do you call the student with the best overall average in a graduating class at an all girl's school? vulvavictorian
My friend can't eat pizza because he's lactose intolerant It gives him pizzeria
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.
You guys want to hear a joke? Women's rights.
Facebook is still the best way to keep in touch with people you don't want to keep in touch with.
How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber? You ask them to pronounce unionize.
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
If you're a germaphobe and you know it... wash your hands!
I used to be addicted... To the hokey pokey but I turned myself around
A guy walks into a bar with a bit of asphalt. He walks up to the bar tender and says 'I'll have a beer and one for the road'.
I like my women the way I like my fish. Battered
Why did the Mexican try to wear his taco? He was dyslexic.
A satanist asked why I would 420 blaze it, When i could 180 and praise it.
[millipede preschool] head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes...
Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth. For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
Hilary clinton married for love Love of power, sure, but it's technically love
What does a healthy dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose!
Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Tweets What's the difference between a tweet and a twat? One makes the other.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change anything.
I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
Whats the difference between a cockpit and a condom? you can only get one prick into a condom -Fight Club
Bartender says,"We don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into the bar.
Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated? Because he thought people were taking him for granite.
Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5 Ask an engineer and he'll say 4 Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"
If Dwane Johnson were to actually run for President... He could only lose to paper.
When I was a kid, I played football with a broken nose for an entire season... We couldn't afford a football.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS? H: FFS, use your inside voice M: *whispers* did you remember condoms? H: can this wait til after mass?
Helen Keller was blind and deaf. She would still lip sync better than Mariah Carey.
Why is whacking a Donald Trump pinata a really *bad* idea? Because it's full of shit
So a blind man walks into a bar... And a table And a chair.
"Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers." "What about my atm card which holds all my money?" "Any 4 numbers in a row."
Gun, while only being a letter away from gum, is definitely not something that your teacher wants you to share with the rest of the class.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
What do you call a story about beastiality? Fifty Shades of Neigh
How are women like rocks? You skip the flat ones.
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died.  At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
GOD: look what I created [points to clouds] ANGEL: what am I lookin at? GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It's up to you! ANGEL: are you high?
Any day now Trump and Pence are going to pull off their masks and reveal that they're Kang and Kodos from The Simpsons
James Bond slept through an earthquake He was shaken, not stirred.
My next door neighbor is a bitch... so I just snuck into her house and taught her parrot to say "my husband can never find out about us."
the word 'freelancer' originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS
What did the man say when he got his dancing robot to work? "It twerks!" I don't know how this came to me..
One in 3 Americans weighs as much as the other two combined
Nothing says you're worth more than $25 but not quite worth $50 like a $40 gift certificate.
It's ok to eat meat on Fridays during lent! As long as you burn the hell out of it...
Where do people with Ebola go when they die? Bloody hell
So you're the bitch that told that bitch that I'm a bitch. Well listen bitch, it takes a bitch to know a bitch. So who's the bitch now, bitch?
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
How can you teach Jamals and Juans? Just toss em banana, they will suck for it
I turned 18 today so the first thing I did was your mom
What has 2 legs and bleeds......? ....half a dog.
How do you know you're at a redneck wedding? Everybody is sitting on the same side of the church
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An 'anonymous tip' should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution.
So a baby and I head into a bar, smashed... Wait, I think I'm telling this one wrong... I smashed a bar into a baby's head. There it was.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. "This is bad for everybody," say Old White Dudes.
/r/news hears about Turkey [removed]
There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a "Kids Eat Free" promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.
[Wonder Woman shows up] Superman: Is she with you? Batman: I thought she was with you? Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
What's the difference between harry potter and jews? Harry escaped the chambers.
I started a company... I started q company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof
The Most Disgusting Joke You'll Ever Hear A young boy was licking out an old lady when all of a sudden he tasted horse cum. He sat up and said "oh...grandma, so that's how you died"
What does picking your nose and masturbating have in common? It feels fuckin awesome but when you get caught its awkward as hell.
How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for isn't it?
During a medical school lecture, a doctor explains that, under common circumstances, two bones meet at a right angle A student responds: "That seems like orthonormal thinking".
Favorite Mythological Creature Someone on tumblr who isn't oppressed
My favourite sexual move is the JFK I splatter all over her face while she screams and tries to get out of the car
Come forth... And God said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'' Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "GLUGGLUGBLUGBWOOABB"
A married man and his friend are talking. Friend: how's your daughter? Man: we haven't had one yet. Friend: after last night, you will in 9 months.
Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexadecimal? Because 7 8 9 A.
What illness causes breasts to grow all over your body? Heap-a-tities.
Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework
An exhibitionist is discussing retirement with his wife. But after talking it out he decides, "Actually, I think I'll stick it out one more year."
You know you're getting old when ... the doctor tells you to slow down and the cops tell you to speed up.
Why do girls wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because its life is a joke.
Why wrap a hampster in scotch tape... so it doesn't pop when you fuck it!
What's the difference between procrastination and laziness? RemindMe! 2 days to edit this post
What do you call a cow...? What do you call a cow that's missing a leg? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow that's masturbating? Beef Strokin-Off
A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back, "Naw man, you're in de-nile"
Pedophiles have kind of a bad reputation... ...but they drive slow near schools
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
The number of Pina coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn't want to cruise with me again) many.
What is today's best punch line? Paul christoforo
A man in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How does the chef prepare the chicken?" The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"
What do you call a Mexican guy who's car always goes missing? Carlos.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
My son asked me to pass him the salt So I gave him a soap bar.
So I broke up with the Japanese girl I was dating I had to drop the bomb twice
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing... It just waved.
What do you call a disaster that only affected shopping malls? A catashopic.
A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper "Small medium at large"
When doesn't a telephone work  underwater? When it's wringing wet!
The free sample lady just asked if I'd like to try some slow roasted pork loin and then did a hip thrust at me.
What did the pedophile write on his Tinder profile? Netflix and Chilldren
What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? They are fun to ride until your friends find out.
You know what they say about Hitler? He was this tall and he lived over there.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? PUMPKIN PI
Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.
What does the number 3 have in common with a Tumbler user? They both can't even.
My Japanese girlfriend had a really bad tempura.
I'm going to change my name to Benefits' Now when you add me on Facebook it will say "You are now friends with benefits."
How do I know that Trump will be our next president? Because Orange is the new Black.
Why do they say "break a leg !" to actors ? If you said "tear an ACL !" to a star athlete, you'd be shot on the spot.
Ask me if I'm a fire truck.
It's weird how scantrons make you go #2 all over them.
Best pick up line ever (video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajCw5XThfsI
What's Mark Zuckerberg's favorite sex move? The facial. He wrote the book on it.
What is dill bread made from? Dill dough.
I asked Nurse Joy if she could examine me. She said "I'll take a Pikachu."
At this point, the only reason I still get The New Yorker is to impress my mailman.
Men Are Like ...
I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex...
In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I'm not coming in" - No guy, ever
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas!
If fire fighters fight fire and crime  fighters fight crime what do freedom fighters fight?
Did you know Jesus has nice abs? He does crossfit.
Q: What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go tick, tick, tick? A: "Ve have vays of making you tock!"
My sheep friends asked me to find them some drugs so I went to the local animal dealer... Pablo Escobaaaaaa
I'm not sure how I feel about people who are missing an arm. On one hand, they're probably nice people...
When I was a kid I wanted to become a pirate, and sail the open seas. But instead, I just ended up downloading a lot of movies.
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach
I like my women like I like my fish Battered,chopped up, and stored in the freezer.
a future joke: A Hispanic cop pulls over a white guy... white guy- "Why not you stop bugging us minorities and go back to gardening"
At this late date, the only way I'm gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I've never met a Friday I didn't like!
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You've gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message
Where does a hillbilly go to learn about his family's history? ~~Ancestry.com~~ Incestry.com
"OMG!!! HeRE LiEs BRiaNnA RiP! :*(" - Tombstones in 2060
My friend asked his fiance to marry him with a song. The proposal had a nice ring to it.
Have you heard about the corduroy pillows? They're making head lines.
What is the difference between a woman and a forklift? There is none. In both cases, if you don't have one, you unload by hand.
HULK doesn't have sex, HULK smashes :b
What did the Muslim train conductor say to the passengers as they were getting on? Allah-board
Hi, Can I domesticate you?
"Hey, if you're not gonna buy something, get the hell outta my store!" (Unsupported Browser)
I like my coffee like I like my slaves free
"So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?" "The usual, self defecating." "Ha, I think you mean deprecating." "Think all you like."
What do you call an Asshole with golden hair TRUMP !
Circus stocks are up Because the clowns sure are making a killing.
When you're Russian... There's no time for Stalin
What does a blonde playing the drums sound like? Dumb chick dumb chick dumb chick...
What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalepeno face.
What do you do when you come across Santa on New Years Eve? You wipe it off and apologize.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!
DOCTOR: Don't be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam. ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Made a folder for my Japanese phone apps... I call them Japps.
If the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers is IBEW... Does that make the International Sisterhood of Electrical Workers ISEW?
An Irishman walks out of a bar... The End.
Why couldn't the poop get flushed down the drain? Because it was deterred.
What's better than winning a silver medal at the Paralympics? Being able to walk.
I was told I couldn't change religion because I wasn't circumcised .. Guess I'm just not cut out to be a Jew.
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
If Pokemon had a national holiday, what would it be called? Ash Wednesday
What's the difference between a dead baby and a stick? I don't have a stick up my ass!
I treat my television in the same way that I treat my girlfriends. I abandon them and subscribe to Netflix
I'd say I'm a down to earth guy... but that's mostly because of gravity...
I have the heart of a saint And a lifetime ban from Mother Teresa's grave.
I thought I typed "twitter" in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail....
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
What's Chris Browns favorite sport? Sockher!
How do you please all the people? Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!
My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you're good.
What kind of gas supports violence? pro-pain
What do you call a cowboy with a case of bad gas? Darn tootin'! (this is so dumb im sorry)
Why is it so hard to find Thor's brother? Because he stays low key
I asked my friend if he could tell me the chemical symbol for Neptunium He said it wasn't a problem but hasn't replied since
What do you call it when you wake up with a boner and wait till you go limp to urinate? Atro-Pee
Who is the most communist cat in the world? Meow Zedong
Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.
[makes a voodoo doll of himself] [gives it a little back rub]
Level of singleness: yelling, "pizza's here!" So the delivery man doesn't think all the pizza is just for me...
Heard about the news the acientist allover the world have been talking about? There amazed how there are only 7 planets left after i destroyed URANUS.
Genie: what is your first wish? Joe: I want to be rich Genie: Granted. And what is your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money
I am fluent in three languages...english, sarcasm, and profanity
What do Rick Astley and a loyal partner in crime have in common? Both of them would get raped in prison.
Would the man who lost his hearing aid PLEASE come and retrieve it at the lost and found
An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ. "Well, I'll be damned."
What did Santa Claus say to his wife after he watched the weather report? It's going to rain dear. ^Yeah ^I'm ^sorry ^its ^late ^guys.
Proper diaper fitting If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.
What is it called when Benedict Cumberbatch is constipated? No shit Sherlock.
How do you drown a hipster? Drag him into the mainstream.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
Sometimes I miss my grandfather, but I know he's up in heaven groping angel titties and saying some next level racist shit.
why did the chicken cross the road? I dont know...
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail. Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
Ego and Super-Ego walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some Id."
You know those old movies with Jackie Chan where he is reluctant to fight in the beginning, but then he warms up starts swinging like there is no tomorrow?! ... I'm the same way with drinking.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? You suck his cock!
I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I applied for a job as a Marsupial... Safe to say I didn't get it because I lacked the right Koalafications.
Still not sure if construction paper is used in construction.
Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA. Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.
Last Jew to win a Heisman Trophy? Fred Goldman
Joke I just heard from a drunken asshole Man: why does your pussy taste like spinach Woman: because I just ate pop eyes
My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?" My mom answered "Who?" "Your daughter" courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices? I'm not sure yet.
I would've been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said "I don't do romance" I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
What happened to the pimp who ate too much Italian food? He got Pasta-toots.
I keep hearing so much talk about ISIS right now... They're really blowing up.
If I text you first you are probably amazing.
Wouldn't it be weird if you met someone from twitter in real life and all they did is say random one-liners every few minutes?
I don't understand why people say "Oh it's just walking distance away" Everything is walking distance if you have the time.
Why wont a Jewish cannibal eat a German? Germans seem to give them bad gas...
So I had a blind date this weekend... I lied. &amp;nbsp; She could see.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won't release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant ? Pupil: Hong Kong Teacher: Why do you say that ? Pupil: That's where the atlas says the population is most dense !
Fortune Teller I told my friend that my dream was to be a cola drinking fortune teller but I knew it would never happen. He told me to stop being pepsimisstic.
What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S.
Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old Polish Navy!
Breakups are worst in China.... ... Wherever you go you see his/her face.
Time Traveler and Bar's We don't serve your kind here, said the bartender. A Time Traveler walks into a bar.
A former boxer decided to go into the writing business There is no punchline.
How can you judge how good the orgasm was? From the amount of time it takes you to press Alt-F4 afterwards.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? 100 people who don't do dick.
Why do nice guys make good lovers? They always finish last.
Cop: Lemme see your papers Me: Okay Cop: These are rolling papers Me: Would you look at that Cop: Sir are you high? Me: What are you, a cop?
Height of Misunderstanding Wife not talking to Husband &amp; Thinking that She is Punishing him...
Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong, I say whatever floats your goat.
My wife came home to me cheating on her. I don't know which surprised her more; the fact that I was fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
What do you call two pears? A pair.
My GPA.. My GPA is the square root of -16. An imaginary 4.0
Wife: What's the Harlem shake? Me: I don't know, I think they sell them at Burger King?
A Pirate walks into a Bar A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his belt buckle. The bartender says "what's that on your belt buckle?" Pirate says "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I'M POOPING MY PANTS I MEAN I'M PUKING MY PANTS I MEAN I'M PEEING MY PANTS I REALLY DONT WANT THESE PANTS ANYMORE.
I had a weird dream I was eating a hairy lollipop. Woke up this morning and my wifes head was covered in slobber.
Whats E.T.'s first name? Yodela
Why did the one handed man cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Well I finally solved my drinking problem, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous Yeah I still drink, I just use a different name, that's all (Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield on The Johnny Carson Show)
[Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"
Q: How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A penguin
My neighbor is Indian and every night when he comes home he punches his wife... 6:30 pm, right on the dot.
How does Davy Crockett take his pie? A'lamode
How many public school teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Whatever it says in the book.
The way I react when my alarm clock goes off can best be described as "17-year-old girl being denied a curfew extension."
[Racist] Why did Beyonce say "To the left, to the left" in her music video? Because niggers don't have rights.
Did you know I'm dating a dental hygienist? She has the cleanest teeth I've ever come across.
I like my coffee like I like my women: filled with booze.
What's the most useful type of hat? A handy-cap
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But I want to know how they got in there.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
I bring my Epipen everywhere It's my greatest treasure. I think my friend really wanted me to have it. He gave it to me right before he died.
[throws dirty diaper away] - OMG WHAT R U DOING?! - it's gross im not touching that - GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT! - ugh, fine
How do you fix the dishwasher? Smack her.
Recently girls have been mistaking me as British, It's because, honey, when I nut, "Cheerio!"
I hated my job at medieval times because I always got stuck working on the knight shift
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren't a good way to describe emotions
Walking with our phones, we all look like Star Trek crew members trying to get a life form reading on an uncharted planet.
This joke I made up while in the shower What's the difference between my shower and everyone? My shower gets turned on by me.
How does a mathematician get rid of constipation? He works it out with a pencil.
What's the difference between oooh and ahh? 3 inches
What is the Catholic Church giving up for Lent? Answer: The Pope!
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minutes
Two hookers are on a street corner.. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I've been swung around by my tits."
What do Pizzas and parents have in common? .. if they are black, you have nothing to eat!
A dog walks into a bar "I'll have one ... beer." Bartender replies "Why the pause?" Dog says "Because I was born with them, asshole."
Im trying to get into classical music... ...but I cant find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Hey guys, we heard you guys were upset about losing a lot of subscribers on your YouTube channel. Nah, it's fine bros.
What did the mayonnaise say to the refridgerator? Close the door, I'm dressing!
What does Salvador Dali eat for breakfast? Surreal
Two Dragons walk into a bar One dragon says, "It's hot in here". "Shut your mouth", says the other dragon.
The worst thing about having tourettes... People are always expecting you to say something funny.
Q:What's the fastest way to end an Iraqi bingo game? A:Call B52
A man tell his waitress he would like to order a beer When she asks what brand of beer he would like to drink he replies with, "Root". And dads all over the world sighed with satisfaction .
Stop saying "11/11/11" only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me Will you be putting it up yourself?' I told him, No, you sicko, it's going in the living room!'
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that "it's not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That's just creepy."
What do Big Ben and the House of Commons have in common? Both have a huge bellend swinging his weight around inside
The best joke I know. [Link to the joke.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eialt/oh_you_sneaky_little_bastard/)
Whiteboy who needs a haircut Justin Beiber in the front, Duck Dynasty in the back
If everyone has a beautiful side, I guess I'm a circle.
You say potato and I say... Who are you and why are you saying potato to me?
How many guys wearing turbans does it take to change a light bulb? Sikhs.
When I worked at a pickle factory, I stuck my penis inside of a pickle slicer... They ended up firing both of us.
Once upon a time a guy was left hanging...
Went to watch 'Comedy Thesaurus - The Punny Years' at the local theater yesterday. Disappointing, it was just a play on words.
I bet Pope Benedict will appear on Celebrity Rehab this season.
Your grandparents used to kiss with tongues, probably
What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick's hanging out.
What are children generally better at then adults? Giving the pope an errection
How to Start an Argument On the Internet Step one: State your opinion Step two: Wait
Did you hear about the new Yiddish martial art... that involves rapid spasms and filing legal action against your opponent? Jew-fit-sue is taking off in a big way
My friend was writing checks that his butt can't cash... it's because his butt didn't have a valid id
Clicking the 'Remember Me' button on login pages guarantees all your favorite websites will show up to your funeral.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you're just diluting yourself.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb.. ? Just Juan!
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I wish I was half excited about anything as a four year old is to push an elevator button.
This fall on Fox: X-Files Babies. Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Whats a dentists favorite time of day? The time of day he get into his BMW to go home from the dentists office after touching mouths all day
I'd hate to be stuck behind Satan in the post office... ...for the accursed one takes many forms.
Wanna hear a knock knock joke? Two men walk into a bar. (credit to my friend who has no Reddit account)
What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the Feds? A small medium at large.
Corn on the cob today is corn on the log tomorrow.
What do you call a def, Mexican Superman? No hero
Why is it illegal for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina? Because he's alive.
I sent my kids to public school because I didn't want them to be spoiled. Turns out I didn't want them to be educated either.
A farmer and his herd of cows walk into a bar. The bartender says to the farmer "We don't serve your kine here."
I was going to go check out r/TwoX..... but it's just a bunch of pussies there
Bending over in a short skirt will probably get me further than my expensive education ever will.
Why do monks wear such plain clothes? It's a habit.
The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean* "I'll still marry you" No. I'm married to the sea now *dives in*
My kids have already agreed to have me frozen. I just wish they'd wait until I'm dead.
Dark humor is like food Some people don't get it
The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
Michael, the kid with no hands What did Michael get for his birthday? Gloves ... Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet Knock, knock Who is it? Not Michael
Do you have small pox? Because your face looks kind apache!
Is Israel Real? if Palestinians eyes are real?
The seven dwarfs are in the bath, and they all were feeling happy. Happy climbed out, then they all felt Grumpy.
These Hoes Ain't Royals, said Chris Brown, pointing at Lorde and her friends.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyonce
Your girl's legs are like McDonalds breakfast....... OPEN 24/7 EDIT: Replaced pants with legs
You know why we can never trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Why can't cats survive on Mars, even with spacesuits? Because Curiosity will kill them.
"Are you listening to understand or to be right?" ~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Have you ever heard about Mothers Against Drunk Driving's lesser known sister organization "Fathers Against Drunk Driving"? Probably not, it didn't last very long, it was only a fad.
What's the affirmative response to a Jamaican mother? Yeah mom!
"The prisoner is walking down the stairs," Tom said condescendingly. "It's 9:59," Tom said pretentiously. "I have split personality disorder," Tom said being frank.
The best part about being thirty is that I'm finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I want to create a Disney channel sitcom about an irreverent Chinese kid... and name it "That's so Wong!"
Why is crack a "Rock"? Because it's as hard to get off as Alcatraz.
what did cinderella say when she got to the ball? "ggggkkk" huh...kinda hard to tell this joke in text.
Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.
what do you call somebody who posts on /r/Jokes? a humorist
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons.. really need to stop beating around the Bush.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? He finally woke up.
How did Adolf tie his shoes? With two knotzies.
Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Marque
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
In South America, how many women get waxed per year? A Brazilian.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it's because I have drugs missing.
What do you get when you drop a baby into a wood chipper? Well an erection of course.
What is the name of Tyler perry's son? Tyler Perry's son.
"I'd UberBlack for you." - what I assume a pick up line in 2016 sounds like
I like my feminists like I like my sand. In sacks keeping the flood water away from my house.
[Bar] me: Gimme one more wife: I think you've had enough m: Last one w: Fine m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Who's coca colas favourite rapper? 2-pop
When I hear my boss coming over to my desk, I mask my body's heat signature with mud and sit still hoping she won't see me.
So since Donnie Yen is in the new Star Wars Rogue Squadron movie... Will his ship be called the X-Wing Chun?
First date Him: What do you do? Me [pulls out a Victoria's Secret catalog that I've clearly glued photos of my face into] "I'm a model."
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
What do you call it when you torture corn to death? Macabre!
In my experience, less than 40% of people wearing "Duke" sweatshirts are actual dukes
What tends to satisfy thirst the most? Waterboarding.
A man walks up to a girl in a bar and says "You remind me of my little toe" . She says, "Is that because I'm small and cute?" He says, "No, its because I'm going to bang you on the table later"
Hey, i'm proud of my heritage that's why sometimes, I don't even wear my hood at rallies.
Probably once a year some dumb Whale excitedly swims up to the coast of Wales humming, "Mama, I'm coming home."
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you're.. Me: Gorgeous & you've been mustering up the courage to speak to me? HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much But in the end it doesn't even matter
My mate thought it was funny... to post about disleyxics but he spelt "funny" wrong...
This morning I was in my car doing donuts in the parking lot at work Now I have glaze all over my balls.
Why do they call c-section the caesarian? Because when brutus stabbed caeser A baby fell out. Original shit *drops the mic
What do you call it when strippers hold a fundraiser for the tattooing arts? Tits for Tats
Name your penis after a movie or a game. Oblivion.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking  about walking??
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz "you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari" which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Sometimes I put toilet paper... Sometimes I put toilet paper over my penis, and pretend that it's a ghost.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver? He always leaves you hanging
anyone remember this funny one ?? ''u miss 100% of the shots u don't take'' -wain gretski -michel scoot ! XD
I am so lonely The only ex I have is in my chromosome XY :/
I used to be embarrassed by my geology fetish. I started off stroking gravel but now I'm feeling a little boulder.
Camp Woodland was across the road from a dairy farm. One day the kids saw a large bull. 'Is that bull safe?' someone asked the farmer. 'Safer than you are!' was his answer.
Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said: "You're a lot like a math exam." I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?" She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
Who has the biggest ass in the Kardashian family? Kim. She has Kanye.
If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can't get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Fox is good on Final Destination... but Fountain of Dreams is where he shines.
How did your blind date go? Bit of a disaster really, our guide Dogs started Fighting
3 things I hate: 1. lists 2. irony 3. shitposts on /r/jokes
Have you heard about the Rabbi who did circumcisions for free? He worked for tips.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face..... :D eh. Eh.?
*Robot watches me vape* Robot: mm yeah but swallow it
did you write "call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex" on the bathroom stall? [wearing my "I hate gary" tshirt]: no
So Halloween is fast approaching... Where I can get one of those cool Guy Fieri masks that all the anarchists are wearing?
Me: Cleaning the basement. 12yo boy: Let me know if u need help. 13yo girl: Let me know when you're done. Yep...throwing out HER crap.
Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room? Because it was More ER Tea.
I went swimming the other day and nearly drowned. 2 families were there to pull me out. The Smith family and the Ball family. Luckily I was pulled out by the Smiths I went swimming the other day...
Why do heavy drinkers usually live longer than light drinkers? Because you thought this was going to be a fat joke, that's why
If you met an eel in a top hat... ...that would be Sir Eel. (say it out loud)
No James, that isn't a giant peach... ...that is Nicki Minaj walking away from us.
Tates Compass Company Like Congress, they don't work. He, who has a Tates, is lost.
I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis. So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
What do you call a suicidal cow? Cowmikaze.
idiot blind person What is the difference between someone who is so dumb he doesn't know how to open his eyes and the sun. The sun is bright enough to see!
What's a whales favorite musical group? An orcastra
if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a "selfie"?....that's a "groupie"
What was Hitler's favorite sandwich? The Auschwich.
Q: Why would you take a hammer to bed? A: So you could hit the sack.
Why do ants not go to church? Because their in sects
I got kicked out of my Community Theatre group when the female director asked to see me limp. How was I to know she was talking about walking?
Have you heard the one about the deaf guy? He hasn't either.
I don't get why men always want have sex with women. The women are always on the receiving end.
I put the STD in "STUD" ... all I need is "U"
What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA
A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
Who's idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
My first name is not Damn Signed, Autocorrect
My new year's resolution is that donuts have no calories.
The fun part about being white is that I can sing an "Ebony and Ivory" duet with my shadow when I'm lonely.
What did Hitler call his recliner? Mein Kampf-y Chair.
What is Captain Picard's favorite Chinese takeout ? Make it Tso!
My body is well-defined. If you look under the word "flabby".
I paid for my meal at McDonald's with love. [NSFW] I pulled out some money and the cashier was like, "no, let me see you fuck this Big Mac instead."
I was going to tell you a joke about hipsters. But you probably wouldn't understand.
I have nothing to eat All i have is a bunch of old vegetables, but all they do is talk about Vietnam.
My local feminist charity is hiring. I found their recruitment slogan to be a bit counterintuitive... "Girl power needs manpower."
What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian? A spot-weiler!
Jared's favorite dressing on his Subway sandwich is Neverland Ranch. I'm sorry.
I'd make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they'll work themselves out.
I wouldn't say I was going bald, but.... When I asked my barber to cut my hair, he replied, "which one?"
Anyone know a good lawyer? (Question sponsored by Al Tebehalah's Discount Lobotomies)
Whoa. Wait a minute. So those stick figures on your car aren't for pedestrians you ran over? Damn it! *starts scraping off her stickers*
Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.
Did you hear about Vivaldi's finances? He was one Baroque mother fucker
if you're in Mecca itself you have to pray while spinning around in circles like a compass at the North Pole
I'm living in a rough neighbourhood... Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out! It just goes from Bad to Worse
The reason why I only date black girls is because I don't like meeting dads.
20's kids won't get this Economic prosperity.
Why is 6 scared of 7 Numbers are a conseptional idea thought by humans and as such they are not able to produce emotions and/or think.
What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac? One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue.
My Black friend was pissed off that he didn't get a job he was totally qualified for so I told him to "lighten up" we're no longer friends.
You hear about the new radio talk/comedy show in the Middle East ... ? Isis in the Morning ? You should catch it sometime - it's a real blast !
[bill gates house] Bill: What's on at the cinema? Wife: Let me google it and- *terrified look at bill* Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can't add - parents in China, probably
[NSFW] You know what's ironic? That Bill Clinton's term was between two Bushes.
Do you know hwat I do when im sad? Me neither - I'm depressed.
There are Three Types Of People In The World Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't!
Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper? Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
2 little boys are arguing About whose dad has a better job. First says "mines a Dr." second says " well mines a lawyer" first says in disbelief " honest? " second says " naw the usual kind"
Sometimes I like to run through the street making Super Mario sound effects.
I'm in a band called Arrogant Rat We're like Modest Mouse but way better
I love animals, and I want to stop eating meat... But I just can't quit cold turkey!
What's a good source of Vietnamese renewable energy? A Nguyen mill.
Did you hear Miley Cyrus and her new boyfriend broke up? It wasn't twerking out.
It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
There's a new biographic movie about Tolstoi TolStory coming soon to theaters near you
I had sex with both of the Olsen twins. But that was before they were famous.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
Do you know what they call yo mama's legs? "Rock" and "Hard place". Why? Because everyone has been between them at some point in their lives.
[Jedi Training] TRAINER: Any questions? STUDENT: Can the Force be with me? TRAINER: I don't know...CAN it? STUDENT: Oh right...May the Force
A bad joke.... Two sailors walk into a bar. And both come out. (If you know this joke, great)
VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You'll like it. Much better than last year. GIRL: It isn't another ear is it, Vince? VAN GOGH: what
Farm counting A farmer had 30 cows, and 28 chickens... How many didn't?
Why was the Lego boxer unmatched in the ring? He was a master of blocking attacks.
If the opposite of PRO is CON, then what is the opposite of progress
Hey, did you fall from heaven? So did Satan.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed
Boss:I need you to do something for me... Me:what? Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job
actually these are my therapy bees i'm allowed to take them on the bus with me
What separates animals from humans? The Mediterranean.
Why did the acronym buff decide to go join the etymologists instead? He heard they had PIE.
I bet there is just a lot of awkward silence after a mime orgy.
Misread the Whistleblower: NSA Story on the Front Page and Came up with this Joke What do you call an NBA Whistleblower? A referee!
I told her she has the most beautiful eyes and she started screaming... Apparently she doesn't like to be woken up by total strangers.
Thanks for putting out Mom! ~ everyone. Happy Mother's Day!
The engineer goes to the bathroom and takes a dump. Because everything these assholes do is shit
264 students died in a school fire... in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.
Whats brown and sticky A stick
What do you call a fat Mexican? A spic with span.
Printing... Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
What do you call a man who can smell the future? Nostrildamus
A pirate walks into a bar With a steering wheel attached to his belt. Confused, the bartender asks the man "Hey buddy, what's up with the wheel?" The pirate replies "Aaaargh, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.
What do you call a white girl who can run faster than her brothers? A redneck virgin.
June Bugs are like College Dropouts They sleep all day, they party at night, and after a month, you don't see them anymore..
What did one ocean say to the other? I'm not completely shore, but it must have been pretty deep.
Whats the difference between Outlaws and Mother-in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.
What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse A mechanic
I'm trying to think of an unemployment joke. But none of them work.
How do you turn a washing machine into a snowblower? Give her a shovel.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
What do you get when you cross a paraplegic and a Pentecostal? Faith-masturbation.
Her: About last night, please understand that wasn't me... that was the wine. Me: ... Her: ... Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
Twitter account is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I like my coffee like I like my women.... .....black and with a dick in it.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
My favourite German jokes 1.
What's the difference between a pedophile and a cinephile? I won't tell you which one I am, but I like to bring my own candy and just watch.
My grandpa told me his secret of how he would pick up Jewish girls in Auschwitz so easily. He used a broom &amp; dustpan.
Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost.
A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Who declared west africa ebola-free? Who declared west africa ebola-free.
Why do sumo-wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists.
Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
I'm pregaming for Thanksgiving by eating 15 ham steaks and yelling at someone's family.
Where in the world can you find the highest concentration of Jews? The atmosphere.
They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life's three great concerns: one's birth, one's future legacy, and cowboy
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
Maybe if you knew Garfield's parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn't be so judgmental.
Ironic! That even if Oscar pistorious is found not guilty .He still won't walk free
A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a car. He says... ...to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"
Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good.
I used to work at an orange juice factory... ...I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.
What did Paul Walker say after filiming the car chase scene?
Screw it, I'm starting Friday now.
What do you get if you cross an owl with a donkey? A Wise Ass.
Did you hear about the girl who resembles a rat? She comes from verminy
Say what you want about paedophiles. At least they drive slow in school zones.
What is the most sensitive part of a man's body while he is masturbating? His ears.
What gets harder the longer it stays in your mouth? Bubblegum
My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
How Jesus was named: Mary: Joseph, I'm having a baby. Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It's somehow your fault.
Why can't you tell when a Pteradactyl goes to the toilet? Because the P is silent.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? They had to wake him up...
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. "Who will carry on the ancient family curse?" they say.
What did the 2 oceans say to each other? Nothing. They just waved.
Ever heard of a 6.9? It's just another great thing ruined by a period.
Mother: Did you get a good place in the  geography test? Fred: Yes Mum I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Without a Penis.
Cigarette's killed my wife. She was run over by the Marlboro truck.
What's the most musical part of a fish? Its scales.
What did the management consultant think of his job? It was the Bain of his existence.
I like my women like I like my skippin' rocks Skinny and easy to throw
Before an army officer can get married, they need to know the rules of engagement.
How do you know shes the one? Because she Gives you a blowjobs even when she's dead.
Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a morgue. The first necrophiliac says to the second "Want to stop in for a couple of cold ones?"
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
I want to start a show about businesses in my neighborhood called, "HOW IS IT STILL OPEN??!"
What does 90-year-old pussy taste like? Depends.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough
Gonna get my girlfriend a pickaxe for Valentine's Day. Because she's a Minor
What do you get in the Netherlands, when you fail your driving test three times? A yellow license plate.
Do you know the biggest difference between Mexico and China? China paid for it's wall.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself...
What's Hitler's least favorite Beatles song? Hey Jude
I got fired from work on pajama day... It's not my fault I sleep naked.
Just finished a puzzle in only two weeks! I'm pretty proud of myself, because the box said 3-5 years.
Why shouldn't you laugh when a black man falls off his bike? It could be ~~yours~~ your bike. EDIT: Spelling.
"I need some space." - astronaut breaking up with his girlfriend
I find that corn fields are the best places to vent your frustrations... ...because they're all ears.
It's 4AM and I roll out of bed. My eyes bloodshot. I haven't slept in weeks. What the hell holds up those blocks in Mario?
If you say "anyways" instead of "anyway," that's alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Caller: My goodness Operator! Your nose is so stuffed up I can't understand you. You should really take something for that cold. Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest of the day off!
It's always cool to swallow your pride unless you're a lion. Lol
Was watching tv with your wife Stupid bitch, took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Relationship status I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
Every time I think I've parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it's the length of two football fields
A man walks into a bar with a big slab of tarmac/asphalt under his arm... The barman asks him, "So what can I get you?" "I'll have a pint and eh, one for the road."
I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend... she said "Clearly not." :-(
[Serious] Tell me an offensive joke...
I like my wine like I like my women Stored in a dark basement till they're 5 years old
My wife and I were supposed to have a conversation about my erectile disfunction. It never came up.
How does an elephant go up a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
What if the Bible had a major typo and the Devil was really after our SOIL? Maybe he just wants to grow some pot plants.
If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party
When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?
*discretely picks a booger* *slyly wipes it on her blouse* Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
What do you call the fisherman that's always handling the pole while fishing? The Master Baiter.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there's no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
The worst part about being narcoleptic is that you constantly get interru
I left my phone by my side while I was sleeping with an app to "ding" every time it recognizes a person that looks like me It "dinged" all night.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If Skittles were made from actual fruit, I'd be considered a much better parent.
On the news tonight they said a skull-fucker was on the loose... everyone should keep an eye out for him.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend's dad for the first time?
That save button...... I don't understand the reddit's save button. As soon as I click save why does it ask me to unsave immediately?
What's the best thing about being homeless... You don't have to duck and cover during an earthquake.
OJ's son did it! OJ'S son: Daddy Daddy the ice cream man is here! Can I have some money? OJ: Go axe yo mama
Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING - HE WAS UNARMED Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*
Look. If we're going with redundancies like "tunafish", I'll just have my beefmeat and be done with it.
They call my dick 'the landmine'... because the second anyone touches it, it explodes :(
"Money isn't everything," I say, poorly.
What's the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaaah ? About 3 inches
I like my coffee like I like my girls Without a penis.
It's true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there's an important lesson here... Don't have kids.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I tried acting in porn movies but I only had small parts.
Diagnose Doctor: Well, those results look bad... Patient: How bad are they? Doctor: It depends, how old are you? Patient: I will be 24 soon. Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.
Why couldn't the witch get pregnant? Her husband had a holloween-ie.
So there are these two fish in a tank... One of them says to the other, "I'll drive, you man the guns".
I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos, but it's so hard...
What's the difference between my neighbor and a necrophiliac? My neighbor fucked my wife yesterday, but the necrophiliac had to wait until today.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters, Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
I swear I won't be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
The man who invented knock-knock jokes... He deserves a no-bell prize. I'll see myself out, thanks.
[sound of can opening] wife: you're drinking a beer this early? me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday wife: but we're still at church
My dear, departed animal companion. Although no longer with me, your name is now immortalised as part of a password I use on many websites.
It was always going to be a yes vote on gay marriage in Ireland. . . No reason to drink otherwise.
Why didn't Hitler cross the road? Because he could nazi anything
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet? Life is bullshit.
What Chinese name means 'wolf'? Hau Ling.
Jurassic Park I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, "not only does my son have a stupid name, but hes also a shit driver"
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre] Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
A frenchman walks into a library And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Throwing handfuls of parmesan cheese at someone while yelling "PARMAGEDDON!" might just be the game-changer your Monday needs.
I keep having flashbacks to my emo phase. I think I might have PTXD.
Imagine that you were tired of living in a police state and decided to leave Russia for good a while ago, and bought a small house in Crimea.
Me: *sneezes* Mom: Remember February 17, 2009 when I told you to bring a jacket?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I don't get you Vegans. If cows didn't want to be eaten, they'd move faster.
A boy walks up to his teacher with a broken pencil... This has no point.
I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season
What is a Coronation Street resident's least favourite football team? Tramnear Rovers
How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
How busy can you actually be if you just took the time to change your online status to say so.
What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough? He ate it quickly before the others could ask him to share.
What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I've done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"
Why can't T-Rexs clap their hands? Because they're all dead
do I wanna smoke? sure I'll smoke. I'll smoke u fools on the court when ur lung capacity is severely compromised. stay in school, be active
What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub? Shower Cream
ISIS is now engaged in amphibious warfare... They started killing frogs
Hillary: if we aren't careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in Clinton Aide: *opens door* Sink: sorry i'm late
What do you do with your gum when there isn't a trash can/little kid's hair to throw it in?
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends on how hard you throw them.
Why didn't Tim have any friends while he was studying fishing? Because he would just go home and master bait.
I have Ebola... ebola cerial.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.... Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I'm going to write a colorless geometry book. It'll be called "Fifty Shapes of Grey."
Why aren't the Eagles worried about big cats sneaking up on them? They know there ain't no way to hide those lion eyes.
I use the phrase "when I win the lottery" a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
What's the difference between two dicks and a joke? I can't take a joke.
[god creatig god] GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent ANGEL: ok... GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists ANGEL: ru sure GOD: trust me
Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!
Butt dialing and booty calling So similar. So different
What do you call a Mormon who switches religion? A mormoff!
A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks it's undercooked"
How does good deodorant smell? Odorable.
Typing "I hate Reddit" brings up the following sub-Reddit http://www.reddit.com/r/fatpeoplehate/
What do you say when a singer/songwriter poops on your car? CELINE WUT R U DION
What's the hardest part of washing a vegetable? putting them back in the wheelchair
I'm drunk and ready to get retarded! Wait, that's not politically correct. I'm soberly-challenged and ready to get retarded!
You could tell if someone was wearing a cape underneath a white button down shirt is all I'm saying. #weknowitsusuperman
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell... It only made it more sluggish.
I've got a gag about skin bleaching... ...but I'm not white, to be fair.
Two sausages are in a frying pan One sausage turns to the other and says, "gettin' hot in here." The other sausage turns and says, "holy shit a talking sausage!"
I think I'm addicted to roofies... I can't remember though
What song title defines a redditor's love life? "Left Hand Free" By alt-J
Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: "DON'T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!"
What do you call a generalization made by a farmer? An overall statement.
I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn't.
what is the best thing about eating brown bread you can eat 1 slice and it is still a whole-meal
They call cat people crazy but we're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
inspired by the recent election, i'm going to run for president the first step will be to change my name to "none of the above".
When Jesus saw those riled up Romans needless to say he was very cross.
Women are natures version of the Rubiks cube.
Whenever I get the urge to run around naked, I stop and drink a bit of Windex It prevents streaking.
My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do... They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!
Once I participated in a "Nice Guy" 5K Run..... We all finished last.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Job interview What's your weakness?' Honesty.' I don't think honesty is a weakness.' I don't give a fuck what you think.'
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
There are no black ninjas.. Only Incognegroes.
What do a communist and communism itself have in common? Neither one works.
"Sir you're gonna have to stop masturbating" said the Doctor. "Why" "Its hard to examine you if you keep moving".
My wife ran away with my best friend. I haven't met him yet.
What happens if a politician takes a Viagra? He gets taller
A flasher was considering retiring. But he decided to stick it out a while longer.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol. Adds firefighter to resume
My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a shit.
Where do people with ADHD go? To concentration camps.
Just found out Heinze Soup has gone bust Apparently it's been put into adminestrone.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that...
"If only she had a more expensive purse, THEN she'd be hot." - no guy ever
My ex wife still misses me but her aim is getting better
What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop? Now is the winter of our discount tents
How can you spot the rank of a Russian? By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.
Why was the woman sent to jail for 12 months, while the man got a year? Because there needs to be a period at the end of each sentence.
Why did the dog wear white sneakers ? Because his boots were at the menders !
Goya tried to cover up a disaster at one of their factories Someone spilled the beans.
I hate women, so I decided to fight misogyny Where's this Ogyny girl at? I got a knuckle sandwich for her.
I dunno if a gun would be my murder weapon of choice but it's worth a shot.
If people from Poland are called "Poles"... ...why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
I like my women like I like my beer. . . . . . cold, pale and without a head.
You know what grinds my gears? Improper gear ratios and speed differences.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards? Your house back, your truck back, your girl back, and your dog back.
How do you make a sandwich legendary? Make it on dark rye
I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.
What do you call a person who whores themselves out for spaghetti? A Pastatute
WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already? ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it's a mystery I guess
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter] EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone? ME: You must be new here.
I tore the elbow of my shirt last week, but I was able to stitch it back together. On the hole, it's held up surprisingly well.
A guy walks into a bar holding a dog poop... he says "hey guys, look what I almost stepped in"
What do you get when someone refuses to pay the bills? A Greek.
Nothing is better than studying That's why i do nothing.
What do you call the ghost of a detective? An inspectre.
What noise does a cat make when it drives past really fast? Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww
My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo... I had to put my foot down
If Captain Obvious ever got an archenemy I would expect him to be named Major WTF Now that's one Major WTF. No kidding Captain Obvious.
Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk? Because they don't want the siren to die.
[recording studio] Producer: Um what're you guys doing? Singer: Ending the song Producer: You don't have to fade out. We'll do that in here.
So there was a bomb threat at my school today... Tomorrow's gonna be a blast.
(Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.) Text: Hey what are you up to?
Did you mean ASK or axe? Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.
I have a serious salad problem... ...it needs a dressing.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
Knock knock... * Who's there? * Freep * Freep Who? * No thanks!
What did the salmon say to his shy Japanese girlfriend? Don't be koi.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? The canoe tips.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Couples that stay fit together don't trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Yo mama so stupid she went to the orthodontist to get a blue tooth
I like my women like I like my food. Existent.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
What do ducks smoke? Qwack
When there's a police car behind you with their lights flashing... It means speed up, right?
How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fuck it, we'll drink in the dark. (Happy birthday Devildogs)
Rental fleet car is like a prostitute, own car is like a wife Never marry a prostitute.
I'm special. My school told me so.
Football started as strictly butt-slapping & they built the rest of the game around that so it wouldn't look weird by itself
I'm starting a mirror cleaning business. Its a job I can really see myself doing!!
Bono heated and cooled his vodka over and over, filtering it to try and get the perfect taste... But distill hasn't found what he's looking for.
Have you heard about the recent abnormal growth in cancer clinics? There are tumor down the street.
What do you get when a vampire eats a dachshund? Hollow-ween
Two types of people from small towns: 1. Let's leave after high school and find culture! 2. Where is everyone? Better make some new people!
What would people call an old John Cena? John Senile
I can't believe christmas is 364 days away... And people already have their decorations up.
It really doesn't matter if the baby's smoking a cigarette or a joint, I think we can all agree that's one fucking cool baby.
Juliet: you know it's true love, when you finish each other's- Romeo: LIFE Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Have you heard the one about the mentally challenged couple making love? You probably don't want to, it's fucking retarded.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world; 1. People who like math A. People who hate math 3. People who really don't understand math
Wife: "they're disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!" Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?
ME: I know it's probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight! BEER: Hey buddy, don't be putting words in my mouth now.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can't chase you because they're holding scissors. The perfect crime.
If I were in a musical, I'd get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.
Why does America not have knock knock jokes? Because freedom rings.
What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists? Rise up lights
Accidents Happen Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids!
Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana: "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned".
Chinese man calls his boss "Me no work, I sick". The boss replies "When I am sick, I fuck my wife. Try that." ..Two hours later the Chinese man calls back "Me better, you got very nice house"
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. "They're sad due to a break up" said one. "It's been a year Brent. Move on. I have" said another
What do Jimmy Saville's victims and Aston Villa fans have in common? They're still talking about what happened in 1982.
I rate the next One Direction album... ...four out of five stars.
Guess why they call me Thunder Penis? Because you can't see it
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
What Social Media site do the undead use? Tomblr.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
The Biggest Joke of 2016 Mariah Carey's Performance at Dick Clarks Rockin New Years Eve
*opens door* Stop screaming! *opens door* What broke?! *opens door* Just wait until I get out there!! ~parenting from the bathroom
How does Sean Connery find his way to the toilet? With a shat nav.
What's difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never paid to have a lentil in my mouth.
What sound does a cow make? Sssssssss....
What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite movie? ITS FUCKING [removed]
Why did Lady Gaga wear seashells to the VMAs? Because B-shells were too small.
I'm not sure why my girlfriend called me a douche this morning... but I guess it explains why her sister smelled so much better after I finished banging her last night credit: /u/thehofstetter
The Russian skater has a mullet. Glasnost in front, Perestroika in back.
harassing a man at a urinal, claiming i copyrighted piss
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics? Walking
I saw a huge spider wearing a turban and carrying an AK-47 yesterday and I shit myself. I'm guessing I have Iraqnophobia.
Money can buy happiness. Give me 100 million dollars and I'll prove it to you.
What do you call a horse that is on fire? Neighpalm
Ok No Loitering sign, let's get one thing straight: the type of people who loiter are not the type of people who know what loitering means.
This joke isn't funny. Donald Trump
Philae comet lander wakes up [After 7 months] "Where the *fuck* am I?!"
I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Biker Barbie ...complete with leathers and tattoos
The other day I was trying to make a noise with two of my fingers and my thumb, and no matter how much I practiced nothing seemed to work... Then it clicked
Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other "Pass the soap." The other says. "Ice cream doesn't have bones."
Me: I love you..Marry Me! Burrito: I'm a Burrito..stop drinking.
Ralph once had an IQ of 18, ... but then it fell asleep. edit: ~~they~~ it
Who took my username? When I find you, well, you'll be sorry!
*on the subway* CUTE GUY: [mouths "hi"] PRETTY GIRL: [mouths "hi" back] ME, IN BETWEEN THEM: [exaggeratedly mouths "YOU GUYS LIKE HOTDOGS"]
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention the Morons.
There's no problem you can't solve with a great night of dancing. Except for a broken foot. Then you should see a doctor.
What do you call a cookie without legs? A cookie
FLY WITHOUT WINGS Q: What is a fly without wings? A: A walk.
Why do good farmers only excel when they are actually farming? (X-post from /r/jokes) Because they are out standing in their field.
(OC) What do the cops do when they get a fly infestation? Call in the swat team!
Crazy Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They will kill your dog
Wrestling is Stupid B1: Bro, Wrestling is stupid. B2: Why, Bro? B1: Men with no pants... Fighting for a belt... WTF?
"AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE! Oh good, now it is snowing" - If I lived in a snow globe.
If this Hillary case blows up... It will be the second time a weiner has ruined the presidency for a Clinton
[at Indian restaurant] "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "Oh no thanks, I'm full"
How do you know statisticians are always serious? They mean what they say.
Why aren't jokes in base eight funny? Because 7, 10, 11!
A Roman walks into a bar... He says "I'd like a martinus," the bartender replies "don't you mean a martini?", the Roman replies "if I wanted a double I'd have asked for one.'
He was the best human cannonball the circus ever had. You seldom meet a man of his caliber.
The Ouija board spells out WHAT'S UP GAYLORD and I'm like is there really no one else in the spirit realm besides my grandma?
What's a pedophile's favorite musical scale? D minor!
Rejected Disney Movie Titles: 1) Find My Fish Son 2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs 3) Peter Pot 4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face 5) It's Cold
What did one ghost say to another ghost? "Do you believe in people?"
I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know  why)
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said "What will you take....30 days or $30." The man replied "I think I'll take the money."
Swimming in the Ocean I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
A joke for the British. Some urine got into my eye whilst cleaning the lavatories at a kid's nursery yesterday.... ....I'm putting in a claim for Pee Pee Eye.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer? A prostitute will stop screwing you after you're dead.
What does a curry and a bad uncle have in common? They both hurt your arsehole
Did you hear about the new extreme camping TV show? It's in tents.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky
I'd rather the Ring girl pop out of my TV than have the "Congratulations you have won an iPhone" voice ever scare the shit out of me again.
Why People Get Married
What vocation can transform anything into a gate? A reporter.
My 6 month old daughter told me this joke.... but its not funny so i won't waste your time. kids aren't funny you guys nobody cares if they told you a lame joke
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.
Whenever I'm waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I'm on a Game Show & just won a group of people
Are you waiting for my comeback? You can scrape it off your mom's teeth
Knock knock... Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget :(
It would probably be cool to hang out with a witch because you could bake just the biggest cake in her child sized oven.
Why did Ellen Pao punch the puppy? Cause shes terrible.
How to decide whether to get A Black PS4 or a White PS4! Well it's really quite simple! It's what you prefer! The Black PS4s run faster however the White PS4s have a better future!
my moms birth sign is cancer the crab..want to know how she passed? she got ripped in half by a giant crab..
Presidential Disinfectant Hydrogen Barackside
What did Elmo take before he left the tickle factory? Two test tickles
The escalators at the mall suddenly began working super quickly, causing several people to fall over and brutally die. That escalated quickly.
Company Invents First Truly Secure and Encrypted Smartphone They're calling it the FU NSA. (real news)
"You can't tell me what to do! I do what I want!"- toddlers, teenagers and US congress
Wanted to share a Coke with my friend Amal But the closest name I could find was Juan. But I guess if you have seen Juan then you have seen Amal.
What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
So the new Titanic 3D is out.......... Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time.
Him: Are you on your way? Me: Yes, this cab driver sucks! *changes outfit for the 6th time, gulps wine and requests an uber*
How many chicken does it take to screw in a light bulb? Still counting. Those darned birds can't seem to cross the road to get over here to screw in the light bulb.
What does a dog have in common with a near-sighted gynecologist? They both have wet noses.
Why did Ally refuse to do her homework, when all she had left was to square the x and y axis? Cause Allies don't like axis powers
Why do we eat? Because we are hungry
What kind of parasites do gangstas get? Thug Lice.
*I look into abyss* *Abyss looks at me* *Abyss blinking message in Morse code* *I go off to learn Morse* *I return* "Why do we park in a dri
What did the shooting range instructor say to the guy in a wheelchair? Parachute
How many 'Suh Dudes' does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Its already lit, fam.
I just electrocuted myself It really hertz
Whats the opposite of under? Der.
A three legged dog walks into a bar... He pulls out a gun and says, " I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!" 
Always wondered why female sentence fragments are so chill No period
I swallowed some food coloring the other day. I'll be alright, but it feels like I dyed a little inside.
Little Sally walks into the kitchen and finds a naked guy there. "Are you the new babysitter?" she asks. "No I am the new motherfucker." the man replies.
What do you call Batman when he leaves Church early? Christian Bale
Which gun has a perfect rating? A Five-seven.
I hate racist jokes. I don't like people laughing at my beliefs.
What's the difference between a soldier and a sailor? Ever tried dipping a sailor in a boiled egg?
Why can't astronauts listen to music? The beat can't drop in outer space.
What's a pirates favorite letter? Ye think it be the R but it really be the C!
What do you call a crazy bug on the moon? A luna-tick.
"How much for this remote controlled alien?" "Sir, that's Stephen Hawking."
I like my women like I like my... ...grades: covered in B's.
I wish I had taught my dog the command "Taylor Swift" so every time it snowed he would just "Shake It Off."
I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair
"How was your visit to that new therapist?" "Waste of time..." "...all he did was show me pictures of my parents fighting."
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Now I know my dad laughed so much the first time I said "fajita" I pronounced it like "[FUHJITUH]" and you can guess what it sounds like.
I'm struggling to think of a name for this new app that compares acid and mushrooms. Sadly "Tripadvisor" is taken
What comes between Fear and Sex? Funf
If the bride tosses you the bouquet, how long are you allowed to beat her with it?
An englishman, a welshman and a scotsman walk into a pub... "I'm off" says the scotsman, and leaves.
Hot damn, you see this shit honey? The knife on TV just sliced a tomato after cutting drywall. I guess my plan isnt as stupid as you thought
What do you call?? What do you call a French terror attack in America? Opening day for Batman
I'm just like every other man... I do my taxes one leg at a time!
[rap battle] [my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a girl. The knife has a point
It's gonna be a sad day when Twitter finds a way to delete spam accounts and we realize there are only twelve of us on here.
Pickling cucumbers isn't easy. I hear its cumbersome.
A Freudian slip is when you say something by mistake that gives away What you were really wanking about...I mean thinking about. -Ricky Gervais
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.
I just saw an 8 year old hipster. Your move, apocalypse.
I recently became a father Is a weird way to say I just got a girlfriend and she started calling me "Daddy."
The "am I racist" test First answer that comes to your mind - Whose penis is bigger, Will Smith or Yao Ming?
*plays Rocky theme song* *cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down* *vomits on kitchen floor* *turns off music* *cleans kitchen*
A blind man walks into an i store "2 please"
Why was the Ethiopian baby crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.
How many Jews can you fit in a car? Two in the front, two in the back, and 6 million in the ashtray.
If life gives you melons you're probably dyslexic
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
"Dad can you tell me 5 animals that live in the North Pole?" " yes son , 3 polar bears and 2 seals. Anything else?" ___ "No dad thanks"___ "No problem son"
What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eye patch? Names.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? He's black, so should be pretty easy to spot against the white background
I hate when people say, "He's a nice guy once you get to know him.".....So in other words, "He's an asshole but you'll get used to it"?
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it into the microwave until its Bill Withers.
I named my dick Christmas Christmas came early
3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework.....
Knock knock, Who's there? Not Oscar Pistorius.
What does the janitor say when he jumps out of the closet? supplies!!!!!!!!!!
Joke's on you, jerk that sold me oregano instead of weed. I was going to make pizza sauce anyway.
Why is China a communist country? Because nobody wants to hold an erection.
What do you call a brown woman with a yeast infection? Beef Wellington
Doctor: "I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating." Me: "Oh no! Why doctor?" Doctor: "Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting."
What is a chronic masturbator's favorite meal? Strokin-off
The gay lover of Emperor Palaptine ....is insidious.
All of the food in my fridge is on my to-poo list.
Ten times two is the same as eleven times two Ten times two is twenty Andersen times two is twenty, too
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The three modes of communication Telephone, Telegraph and Tell a woman
Have you heard that rumour about butter? I probably shouldn't spread it.
An Irish Joke An Irishman walks out of a bar.
I walked outside my house wearing my Saran Wrap suit, my neighbor said "I always knew you were crazy, but now I can clearly see your nuts!"
They told us to get in formation So, I started investigating.
What does prison have in common with biology? Cell culture.
Just once when someone says, "Is anyone there?" in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. "What up. I'm over here. You got me."
More like "Arsey Cola"
a mushroom walks into a bar And the bartender says "we don't serve your kind here". The mushroom replies "what I'm a fungi".
Canadian court... Do you plead sorry or not sorry?
When Siri has her period she uses an iPad. I hate myself.
There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday  Friday.
Math joke: Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 is Dec 25
I might have Alzheimer's... ...but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
What does one strawberry say to the other? "Well, if you hadn't been so fresh last night, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam!"
Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks me what I'm doing. 4square asks me where I am. Conclusion: the Internet is my girlfriend.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
How do you keep a Redditor busy for hours? [This joke is a repost. Find the original post for the punchline.]
What gets bigger everytime I see my wife. My wife.
Me: NO! Him: What? I haven't even said anything Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
The NRA will now be arming fetuses in utero so that they can defend themselves against abortions
Statistically 9 out 11 Americans won't get this I have nothing to put here...
Stephen Hawking finally published his new book. It's about time.
What time is it? **BOOM!**
My snowboarding career has really gone downhill.
"LSD Makes Users Lose Weight" That makes sense. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
After everything I put, say to yourself 'So did Michael Jackson' I went to the beach on a sunny day. I saw an ice cream stall. I bought an ice cream. It melted.
A man was arrested for eating... He was at food COURT
Being a black jew was tough Finally you get freed from slavery, only to be told "work makes you free".
I think my TV is broken because these commercials make being human look like a gorgeous adventure but I'm just tired and sad. Yes I can hold
"What if Waldo finds me first?" I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. "Don't let that happen," she warns.
What did the suicide bomber instructor say to his class? Now pay attention class, I'm only going to do this once.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you're just tired with a cow disease.
What oil does Trump use in his cooking? Rapeseed oil
How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl) War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one "What was your favorite part?" I'd have to say the Peace
"International Women's Day......Cause it's not like you want attention on any other day..."
*cries over spilt milk* *cries under spilt milk* *cries adjacent to spilt milk* *cries immediately to the left of spilt milk* *cries diagona
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I'm okay with it as long as they're happy.
Toy Story 4 is just going to be a bunch of fat kids playing on iPads and not interacting with one another.
I want my abs to be like NHS nurses... Cut
Armadillos are quite expensive. They usually cost an arm and a leg.
Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling it's because they're still getting an answer.
An Irishman Walks out of a bar.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's trying to get home? A taxi
Why do cowboys have foreskin? So they have a place to put there chewing tobacco when brushing their teeth
Son, when you were born I promised you that I would make sure that you would be a household name. So you see, that's why I named you Kleenex.
My wife freaks out if any of my sperm gets on her face or hair or sister.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it's probably just as well real lightsabers aren't available yet.
What world athletic sporting event is held every four years? The Olympigs!
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, unless they're small enough to fit a third in there.
Hello is this HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Why do older polygons make sure their sides all stay an equal length? It keeps you regular.
Where's Jesus when you need him. There's only 2 fish sticks left and I've got company coming.
Reddit More like shmreddit
Remember, I'm not an idiot...I just play one on-OH CRAP I'M ON FIRE! GUYS, HELP! I'M ON FIRE AGAIN! Oh wait...this is just an orange shirt.
A goldfish is a great pet if you're wanting to be forced to explain death to your toddler sometime within the next 48 hours.
I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal; a dog. It was a Shih Tzu
What happened to the Asian guy who walked into a wall with a boner? He broke his nose.
Last winter we had really bad snow, I rung my boy for some weed and when he answered he said "sorry bro I just can't deal with this weather"
Au Don't you dare downvote. That joke was pure gold.
I Read Something In The Newspaper A few days ago, there was an article in the newspaper obituaries titled "Survivor of Nazi Death Train Dies" ... I guess he's not a survivor anymore.
A pirate walks into a bar... And sits down orders a drink without anybody making a pun about his nuts.
Cop at the gym just puked when he saw me do squat-thrusts. Said he hadn't seen anything that hateful or violent since the LA riots.
How can you tell which lesbian in the relationship does the cooking? Neither, they both eat out.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
What happened when the car took LSD? It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!
Seal goes out with friends. A seal walks into a club.
What did the judge order in his whiskey? Just ice
What should we call this giant advertising board? Phil: A philboard Bill: I have a better idea
How did the blonde burn her ear? The telephone rang while she was ironing.
Yo momma jokes are old, common and used by everyone. Just like yo momma.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
A knock on the door... Hello, my name is Forbertus. I m here to fuck your daughter. Dad: For what????!!!!! Forbertus
I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."
Julius Caesar sashays into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"
Did you hear about the albino fortune-teller who died in the house fire? She was a rare medium, well-done.
What do you get when you cross my brain with a cat? A cat.
If somebody's presence does not add value to your life..Then their absence should make no difference!
So I was at LEGOLAND the other day, and this couple were making out in line....... it was so gross, I told them "Hey guys, build a room"
A girl just messaged me "helpmyspacebarisntworkingcouldyoupleaseguvemeanalternative?" Does anybody know what ternative means?
Pistorius.....Sounds like something Harry Potter would say to make your legs fall off.
I got fired from my job as a jihadist. They told me to blow up a bus, and I burnt my lips on the exaust pipe.
Why was the headmaster worried? Because there were too many rulers in school!
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve
I just found some of my long lost relatives from Alabama on incestry.com
So I was about to roll a joint with a page from the Qur'an... But I decided that I didn't really feel like getting stoned.
Did you hear about the government funded study that found that vicious but restrained dogs could have a sobering effect on people using LSD? It was a taxes chained-dog acid-cure.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
M: Are you gonna eat that baby? Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O' M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.
It's so awkward getting a boner during a prostate exam. Especially when they realize you're not a doctor.
Hype for the Major release of Star Wars vii. I hope it hasn't diminished in quality.
Nothing in life is "fun for the whole family."
How do you piss off thousands of people on the internet all at once? [deleted]
I work out religiously... On christmas and Easter!
I bought a Lamborghini that tells dark jokes It goes from 0-100 real fast
How was the copper wire invented? Two Jews were fighting over a penny.
The shortest sentence in the English language is "go." What is the longest? Life without parole
Did you know that the Queen of England is a casual gamer? From what I hear, she mostly plays Nintendo games. So, would you call this proper use of the royal Wii?
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo? for meatier showers.
I asked my shrink how he felt about the lack of progress he was making.
Im not narcissistic. I'm perfect.
Told my black co-worker that I'm avoiding Africans at the airport this weekend. His response: "I'm avoiding them everywhere!"
Boss hangs a poster in office I am the boss, dont forget' He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk, ur wife called, she wants her poster back home..!!'
apparently, Twilight is "so popular" because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I'm gonna take a Buble bath WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear ME: Right MICHAEL BUBLE: Are you getting in or what?
TIL that there is enough oxygen on earth to cover the entire planet!! How crazy is that!
What do Nicki Minaj and Santa have in common? Hoe, hoe, hoe.
Holocaust jokes are... Hitlarious.
What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention!
3251 I know you've all heard it before, but it's one of my favorites
Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter there's a Gorilla in my soup!'
what idot caled his song "thrift shop" insted of "goodwill hunting"
Knock Knock Who's there? Allah Allah Who? ALLAHU ACKBAR!!!! *explosions*
Absentmindedness SHE"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living." HE(absent-mindedly)"Yes, my lamb."
*gets pulled over* Do you know how fast you were going? *pulls string* *inflates emergency mustache* Oh sorry officer. You're free to go.
No Oscar Nominations For People of Color.... Jada Pinkett Smith complained there were no people of color nominated for this year's Oscar awards. Perhaps they've been black listed?
I'm a kleptomaniac, but it's ok... when it gets bad, I just take something for it.
In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco"
Mother: What do you mean the school must be  haunted ? Daughter: Well the principal kept going on about the school spirit.
What were the people on the laugh track laughing at, and couldn't we watch that instead?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend Darkness: I have a boyfriend.
What did Moses say when Isaiah told him the levy had burst? God Dam It!
proud of my upstairs neighbors for finally pulling it together and working up the energy to vacuum every inch of their place at 10:27 pm
What do you call a chinese poker face? A mahjong face
I Can't Believe I Don't Get More Recognition For Being Really Modest
What do you call a crow who repairs time pieces? A bird watcher.
Wanna hear something ironic? Aliens abduct a fisherman
My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it. She just doesn't know what jihad.
There was a kidnapping at my school today Don't worry he woke up though (Sorry if this joke has been said, a certain subsitute in my school just says these random jokes)
what did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but saran wrap? I can clearly see you're nuts!
Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!! Maby a cross-post to math is in order.
I tried to shuffle a pile of Ibuprofen I guess drug dealing just isn't for me.
Me: so what are you wearing sexy? Collection agency: umm...we'll just call back tomorrow
"Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!" *Snatches glass and hands to my wife
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks "is that your puppy?" say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.
Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character? Deadpool.
Why do software developers make the best relationship partners? because they're not afraid of committing.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
What do you call a fishermans newborn? Fresh bait
I tried to donate blood to the Red Cross the other day... ...but they wouldn't accept it in a 5 gallon bucket. They also said it had to be mine.
To all the Bernie supporters... This isn't the first time a Clinton has left a bad taste in someone's mouth.
why do dolphin jokes always make you laugh? that's the porpoise. (came up with this at work...i love a good pun)
Biology Joke Biology teacher: Can anyone name a disease? Student: I can sir. Teacher: Well done. Whose next?
"I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!" -me, trying to put a crib together
She's not my fake internet girlfriend, she's my eBae.
So they were going to make a new CSI tv show in West Virginia... But they had to scrap production when they realized there were no dental records and all the DNA was the same.
Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is fucked up.
"Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl... Did you fall from Heaven?" *pokes body with stick*
What do you get if you cross a sports  reporter with a vegetable ? A common tater !
[Day after Xmas] 7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me 9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[OC] where did the cavemen live? Neandertown!
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but no one knows how they got in there.
Did you hear that Jared Fogle got sentenced to 15 and a half years? But he was happy with it cause it was under 18.
Damn girl you like ice Tea Like Mr. T but cooler
A wig walks into a bar. A wig walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint. Bartender replies "No way man!" Wig "Why not?" Bartender "Have you seen yourself? You're off your head!" ;D
Sometimes I just like to switch off I think that's why I lost my job in the Intensive Care Unit
Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it "resisting arrest."
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Watson was incredibly horny.... Watson was incredibly horny and had a fetish for intelligence. So he tells Sherlock this joke and "blows" his mind.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt...and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Why did the brownie get kicked off the baseball team? Because she was a girl.
The general rule is that you shouldn't ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Prove im not a robot by typing the wierd letters? um PRove your not a robot! i can see u computer yoU are a robot and this is my website now
I tried to download Ford Racing 2 today... It crashed.
What did the collard green do when his favorite song came on the radio? He got turnip
Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
Why do scuba-divers go in backwards? Because if they went forward they'd fall in the boat.
how tall is bruno mars?
How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.
What did the pop can become when it finished high school? A graduated cylinder.
There are three unwritten rules of life. 1. 2. 3.
What do tornadoes and redneck divorces have in common? ... Either way, someone is going to end up losing a trailer.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics.  So I stopped going.
I can't believe my roommate thinks I have boundary issues... at least that's what her diary said.
What has 7 arms and sucks? Def Leppard
What happens when a soviet and a german have a child? I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.
There are 10 types of people in this world Those that understand binary. The eight types that don't give a fuck. And those that expected this to be a ternary repost.
Never Lose A Tank When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They're unfunny and very efficient.
Doctor Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
how do you get a nun pregnant? dress her up as a choirboy
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it's like: "Whoa...that guy has a job AND owns a home?"
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh ? ten-tickcles.
When you lose one sense other senses are enhanced... that's why if you lose your sense of humor your sense of asshole is enhanced.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security? "The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out"
I have 10 guns. Obama wants 8 of them. How many guns do I have left? That's right. 10.
On April 16, 2017, a small French city will detach from the surface of the Earth and fly into space, killing everyone. It's just Toulouse.
I haven't figured out the punchline for my joke about premature ejaculation But I'm sure it will come soon
*live news report - You survived a fall of thousands of feet... - Yes. - Parachute failed? - Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Did you know about the guy that invented tampons? He went from rags to riches
If a guy with Red Hair works at a Bakery, does that make him a GingerBread Man? I ask this because I'm baked at the moment..
The cops came across these two kids. One was eating batteries, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let off the other.
I phoned in sick today "Exactly how sick are you?" "Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."
Who is the favorite author of someone addicted to ecstasy? Steven King. JK Rowling.
If you want to know if a girl is into you, look at her feet. If they point away from you she's not interested, if they're behind her ears she's very interested.
"knock knock".. "who's there?" "dave" "dave who?" dave struggled to hold back the tears as he realised his grandmothers alzheimers is getting worse
Do you believe in life after love? Ted Bundy apparently didn't.
Why are ISIS fighters afraid to join the TEA Party? They're afraid they'll be audited by the IRS.
If my son's science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he's almost done.
Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.
What would have happened if Alexander Fleming met Euler? They would have discovered Penicil(e^(x))
Where is Macau? In m'field
Campbell's Soup annual business meeting Current products are selling fine...See everyone next year.
Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
Why was the big hairy two-headed monster top of the class at school? Because two heads are better than one.
How did the Hulk's mind blow? Somebody threw a bone very far and Hulk yelled "HULK GET IT! HEY WAIT."
My Ex-Wife My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences. She thought she was God. I disagreed.
So a woman asked me how I view lesbianism the other day... Apparently "in HD" was not an acceptable answer.
Who loses in a basketball game between two Vietnamese guys? No one... its Nguyen Nguyen!
[spelling bee] your word is 'hor d'oeuvre' "can you use it in a sentence?" yes...'I bet this kid can't spell hor d'oeuvre'
My girlfriend has really changed since she became a vegetarian... ...sometimes I feel like I've never seen herbefore.
If acne on your back is "back-ne"... Then what is acne on your knee called?
Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
[In this tweet spoons fall in love harder than anyone] "My darling I am a spoon for you, you fill my world with frogs" [and frogs are joy]
how do you make a conedian and a coke dealer hate you? Steal their lines
Why did the chicken coop have two doors? 'cause if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan
People who generalize... I would finish the joke, but redditors are smart enough to see where it's going.
Perfect Date: 1) Get kids out of the house 2) Light some candles 3) Burn the house down 4) Collect the insurance 5) Take her somewhere nice
Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends. "Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I'll be there."
Smartphones are a lot like instant coffee... They're both good 'till the last drop.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? DECALFINATED
What's the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer Balls...they're under a buck
What's black and blue and about to hurt someone? Batman thinking about his dead parents.
Breaking News - in Hong Kong, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint CNN reports that both crews are marooned
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun has only one trigger.
I called into a suicide hotline And they tried to save my life, talk about misleading.
I'm not a racist Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Trinity: "I really can't stay." Neo: "Baby it's code outside."
If you start peeing out blood Urine big trouble
What's the difference between a dwarven packrat and a venereal disease? One is a runt with a cache.
What do you call a midget psychic running from the law? A small medium at large.
Why did Santa flick a booger on Beyonce? bc shes a cunt
TIL Dr Dre adopted a child from Mexico The child calls him his "PaDre"
When Lionel Messi dies.. He should have his Argentinian team mates bury him so they can let him down one last time..
How do British people explain a period..? Bloody Hell
Physics 101: Heat expands objects.. You're fat.. you're hot
My dog smells... ...Like Philippino food.
There was a half black, half Asian kid in my school. What did some kids call him? A "Chigga" (i'm not a racist, but this made me laugh for long enough to post it here. Please don't get triggered)
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me? God: Lighten up drama queen.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her "Allison." I write, "Marry me, Allison," in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
A 3 legged dog walking into an Old West bar. He says... I'm lookin for the man that shot my Paw.
My girlfriend is like the sun... She's bright, cheerful, and she goes down every night.
Why did the mermaid cover her breasts with seashells? She outgrew her B shells.
Why don't gay jokes ever get old? Because they get AIDS and die.
Sick Lemon and Sick Bird What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonade
Probaly only Germans get the joke .... What is Bear Grylls favourite flower ? Die Pissnelke .....
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Where do pirates store their files? On their RRRRRRR drive.
Seems my bladder still thinks its hilarious to wait until I'm comfortable in bed before voicing it's need to pee.
The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I  answer their texts.
This is blatant click bait... come on, turn this purple, I know you want to...
My friend called me dyslexic... I told him that he's a smart fella.
I read a story of a 17 year old kid who stole a plane, crashed it, and survived Why don't we just build the whole plane out of that kid?
Let's put a little smile on that face...
What are the odds of an anorexic girl joining the clergy? Slim to nun.
What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes? A food fight.
Stop making fun of the black people in my family tree! They're still hanging there
A man orders a coffee without cream The barista says, "I'm sorry we don't have cream". "That's fine, make it without milk then."
Whats the difference between OP and a magical ram? One is a Fey Goat, while the other is a [karma whore](/spoiler).
Why can't Ray Charles drive? He's dead.
Really wish "Forever 21" would be honest and change name to "Pushing 30"
Geologists have jokes too Steve: "Hey, what kind of rocks are these?" Geologist: "They're sex stones." Steve: "What? Really?" Geologist: "Yeah. They're just fucking rocks."
What do you call a sad coffee? Depresso
Besides those glaring flaws that I choose to ignore, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Hey did you see the one about the blind guy Yeah neither did he
My CAD guy was having a rough day at work... So I told him to just fillet the whole model. It really takes the edge off.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.....
What do you call a square that's been beat up? A rekt-tangle
What does a German soccer player call his cleats? Das Boots
What is the hardest thing to do after starting a family? Ending them.
Yo Mama So Fat she sat on a rainbow and made  skittles.
What do you call an aardvark that's just lost a fight? A vark!
I was in an Arby's bathroom taking a leak and the urinal cake fell to the floor but it was there for less than 5 seconds so I still ate it.
Why did they fire the contract lawyer with lazy eye? He was always dotting his T's and crossing his I's. (I made up this joke myself)
Where did Suze go during the bombing? Everywhere
Lately every post on /r/Jokes has become a pun in the English language :( It's not pun anymore.
Whats the difference between a mosquito and a hooker? When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
I recently learned how to read the stars and they tell me where I am going. Currently towards 52.1N, 6.4E.
The average monkey swallows 7 spider-monkeys every single night.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I couldn't decide whether to be an environmentalist or a conservationist... ...so I killed two birds with one stone.
I thought I would have to kill my bitch of a wife, but then she suffocated on saran wrap. I was so Glad.
Most hookers don't give a fuck because it's much more profitable to sell a fuck.
What is the cheapest date ever? Drive in reverse trough the mcdrive, so the checkout is on her side.
Giant methane storm on Uranus. It just a really bad fart.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!
What kind of shoes do ninjas use? Sneakers.
What does having sex in a boat and light beer have in common? They're both fucking close to water
Look, I don't know how else to put this but your baby is just hideous. We were all thinking it but I drew the short straw. More water?
karma for jokes You dont get it?
[Meta] If our roles were reversed... I'd upvote your post.
My girlfriend laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick Especially since his name is Steve
I'm not saying don't trust the internet but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I've won & the  number of ipads I own.
What did the little boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip.
Emailing teachers be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: "sure" -sent from my iPhone
A joke walks into a bar Bartender says, "Woah! I've never meta joke before!"
What do you call a cholo with one leg shorter than the other? A Crip
A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they're blocked: I'm totally gutted. Well done. You're fierce! You got me GOOD.
What is the difference between a thief and a pervert? A thief snatches watches.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and expense reports.
What's the most common career choice among spiders? Web development
What is a neckbeard's favorite denomination of time? M'llenium
*rubs magic lamp*rubs harder and faster*genie semen sprays everywhere*
Some of you may be dismayed by Ted Cruz's recent annoucements But please remember that "pulling out" is the only acceptable way for a Christian to terminate a presidency
Did you know? Statistically, six out of seven Dwarves aren't happy.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
One time I actually found a magic lamp with a genie inside but it was back in 2005 so that's why I have three Motorola Razrs.
What do you call a dinosaur made of plastic bricks? A legosaurus! Randomly made up this the other night, thought I'd share.
What's the difference between a good joke and click bait? This is click bait.
If you're a registered sex offender, do you get a discount?
Yo mamas so fat it took me a bus and two trains just to get on her good side.
I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.
The neighbors are still looking for their dog. That shit was good
What did Waldo say at the Superbowl? I'm just here so I won't get find.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.
I used to be a big fan of Michael J Fox... ...but his latest performances have been a little shaky.
Tweeting this from the bathroom because it's the 21st century and that's what we do now.
Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we'd all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time caddy. It's distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch sir its a compass!"
Knock Knock Joke (created by a 4yo) Knock knock - Who's there? Apple - Apple who? *pause* APPLE NOTHING! APPLES DON'T SAY ANYTHING! YOU'RE SO WEIRD, DADDY!
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean.
What do you call a porn site for celeb lookalikes? Doppelbangers
Scientist released new findings proving that there are now only seven planets in our solar system after I destroyed Uranus.
I have a friend who got severe burns on his hands, to the point that he is virtually senseless. I feel for him.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Donkeys kill more people annually than airplane crashes so watch your ass.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear... Therapist: Is this true? Me: She's right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My girlfriend announced she was having her sports car detailed "I am going to have them wax it too," she said. I looked at her nonplussed and said, "I didn't know Corvettes had a bikini line."
presidents day is just a holiday created by "Big President" to get us to buy more presidents
If there isn't a Chinese millionaire called 'Cha Ching' I will be so disappointed.
How to clickbait
Why was Eric Clapton arrested? He was fingering A minor.
Use promo code NETFLIX to get 50% off your next midterm or exam Title
How did the farmer find his girlfriend? He tractor!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married. Me: That's every culture son.
two peanuts were walking down the street. one was a salted.
[catches spider in a glass] spider: omg are you going to drink me? me: oh no this is just to take you outside spider: me: spider: drink me
Confucius say: Nazi soldier who popular with ladies may be Hungaryan.
Why do midgets not wear tampons? They might trip on the string.
Scotland's Independence David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent. I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know
There's nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you're committed.
An advent calendar for jehova's witnesses Behind each door, someone tells you to fuck off.
I'm so poor... I just rinsed off a paper plate.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million. How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Knock knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'll never forget
remember blowing bubbles as a kid? good. you should call him, he misses you.
Chicken and an egg are sitting in bed... Egg says in a angry huff "I guess we answered THAT question!"
[comedy club] Worm: And what's the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?! Other worms: *silence* Early bird: *cracking up*
Why didn't John Travolta go to church on Sunday? He had a Saturday Night Fever
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I like my women like I like my coffee Slutty and blonde, with low self esteem
"Grandpa, why did everyone make a big deal out of selfies when they're just pictures, oh and thanks a lot for doing nothing about climate."
What do you call an epileptic Jew during the Holocaust? Shake and Bake!
I used to be in an animal rights group... But that was before i screwed the pooch.
Kids React [removed]
Isn't it great to live in 21st century ? Where deleting history has become more important than making one.
If guns don't kill people.... If guns don't kill people, people kill people, then toasters don't toast toast. Toast toasts toast.
You had me at let's get divorced.
Have homeless dudes tried just running a comb through their hair?
How Long is a Chinese name ...
I'm not saying your girlfriend is a whore I'm just saying she's under more sheets than the KKK.
Polish joke What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.
TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer." Now we wait.
I sealed a fart in a jar for my wife to open because I know how to romance a lady.
What do Jews throw when they riot? Mozeltov Cocktails
What happened when porky pig fell asleep at his construction job? The foreman fired him, saying, 'We can't have bored boars boring boards.'
It's not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can't curve his paw into a little fist
"someday this will all be yours" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Why don't they have a concert on the moon? No atmosphere
how do you get a 100 cows into a barn? put up a Bingo sign!
I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.
What was the black guys reaction to the 3/5ths compromise? I can't even
Is anyone else disappointed about the new CEO of reddit? Such a re-post.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more thanksgiving dinner? he was already stuffed!
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Someday you'll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It wanted to get to Hungary.
My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.
Darth Vader, you are the father! --Star Wars cast on the set of Maury
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
As I rowed my little boatToward the river shore,A small black bird kept me from landing,Quoth the raven, "never moor."
Why did the packaged green onion get into trouble? Because it was a wrapped scallion.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre!
I was told insence would help me catch Pokemon But no matter how many times I make out with my sister, I'm still not getting any Pokemon
What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick? You should know more than your dog.
When you're in trouble at work, be frank... That way, when the boss finds out, Frank gets the blame.
I just pissed like a horse. Not an easy stance, let me tell you.
Why is Europe like a frying pan?? They both have Greece at the bottom!!
What do sailors eat for breakfast? Naval oranges
What do you call a worried bounty hunter? Boba Fret
What do you call a serial killer who can kill with both hands? Ambi*Dexter*ous
My wife &amp; I got into a big fight bc she says I'm always exaggerating. I was so mad I stormed off &amp; tripped over my dick.
Cross-eyed people, just look down. We'll come get you if we need you.
Two antennas met on a roof . . . Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married, the ceremony was awful but the reception was brilliant.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Megasoreass.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A Canoe tips.
Roses are red....violets are blue I'm using my hand... But I'm thinking of you.
Ive been stupid enough to develop amnesia... I dont know what i was thinking ..... ~~*ba dum tissss*~~
Why did the Russians send a dog to space to die? Because they didn't Lajka.
What do you call a boat with a hole? A sink.
Native Americans had a word for "Bad Hunter" Vegetarian.
What's the best way to milk a sheep? Ask Apple.
A man with his hands in his pants is not crazy... ...he's just feeling nuts!
A man got knocked out the other day... I said to him "dont worry, I called you an ambulance while you where knocked out" *points* you're an ambulance! You're an ambulance! You're an ambulance!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves But I don't like to point fingers
Knock Knock Who's there ! Al ! Al who ? Al lied !
What do you call a muslim who graduated? Allah-mni!
What is heavier -- 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers? 200 pounds of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Is it just my nipples or is it cold outside. They're hard as rock. EDIT: They're
What is the Difference Between a Pretentious Asshole, and a Brilliant Artist? About 6 feet.
Why did the barracuda want to hire the clown fish's anemone? Because the barracuda believed that "anemone of my enemy is a friend."
If you say a number loud enough its value increases. * 5 = 5 * 5! = 120
Say what you will about prostitutes... ...those guys are fucking professionals.
What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country.
What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country!
What did Jesus say at the last supper? You guys wanna take a picture? Ok come over to this side of the table.
Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
"Bedroom" is an anagram of "Boredom" I found that out while I was having sex with my wife
Whats the difference between congress and parliament? Ones filled with a bunch of baboons and the other just doesn't give a hoot during the day.
What is 13 inches long, has a purple head and makes a woman scream all night long? Crib death.
Still haven't mastered the art of gracefully taking off a sweatshirt.
I was sitting on the toilet when todays earthquake hit. The toilet shook like a rollercoaster. It scared the shit out of me.
For Canadians How do you kill a one legged fox? Make him run across the country
An Arab and a Jew walk into a bar... and they have a blast!
You've really gotta hand it to short people Because they usually can't reach it anyways
The human body is 98% water. So I'm not fat, Just well hydrated.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Why do all The Hunger Games fans can't even? The odds are ever in their favours.
I hate hipsters Their vegan diets, whiskery faces, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding. Oh wait, hamsters, I hate hamsters
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to a waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."
The pirate mechanic repaired my sex-bot. Thar, she blows.
I'm thinking about writing a book. It's a novel idea.
The leader of my weekly therapy group told me that doing positive things gives you happiness. So now I only have sex with hookers who say they're positive.
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week... I won't be doing that again. joke by Tim Vine
MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much... GROUND CONTROL: She knows. MAJOR TOM: Wait... Is she with you now? GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.
*goku flies into the sunset* not knowing how the sun and earth really work he says "WHAT THE HELL WHERE'S THAT SUNSET BEEN FLYING FOR DAYS"
Why'd the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning
*When You Don't Know the Right Answer* What is OHM's Law? Ans. It is very good law, It is very useful law, Nice law, Its a Scientific Law, I have studied this law.
What's the hardest part about wearing crocs in college? Swimming through the ocean of pussy to get to class
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!" Fucking b*tch.
We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she'd probably kick all our asses in poker.
A microwave with three only buttons. 1. Hot Pocket 2. Pizza Rolls 3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
How do you stop a dog from screwing your leg? Give it a blowjob.
What did the Exponential Equation say to the Linear Equation? Real graphs have curves.
"Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators?" "Aisle B, back".
[text] "Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!" Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now. "Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Jesus take the veal take it from my plate cause I can't eat this on my own I let myself go this maybe my last chance in my fight against obesity Jesus take the veal
What did the lumberjack say when his colleague went home sick? Hope you fell better tomorrow.
If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.
What do you call a Black Man on the Moon? An Astronaut.
Norwegian Robot If a Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, then it... Scandinavian
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge.
UNGRATEFUL GIRLFRIEND I swear that I have the most ungrateful girlfriend in the world. Every time I give her an orgasm.......she spits it out
I think I need to put my dog on antidepressants I ask him how his day was. His answer is always "Rough"
Why is the algorithms lecturer so fat? Because he always minimises the running time.
What's the slogan for Orion's Pizza? OP delivers. Not a great joke, but my wife claims no one will get it. I am trying to prove her wrong.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit!
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Son, if you masturbate too much you'll go blind! Ahh, I'm over here Dad.
Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team? They were truly ruthless.
I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.
The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
What do the members of Blackstreet like on their sandwiches? Mayo mayo mayo mayooooooooooooooooo
What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese? A paradux
What did the fat simpleton say to the psychic cripple? "Hodor." Edit: And this is dirty how?
A Brow Beating I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Gave my cat some organic soy milk and now she wears two pairs of tiny Toms.
I like Jesus... But he loves me. It's an awkward friendship.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
"Fuller House" was billed on a misleading premise. There wasn't a single geodesic dome to be seen.
I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not. I should probably sleep on it.
My coworker got third-degree burns on his tongue. I was going to make a joke about it, but decided it would be in poor taste.
I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
What do you call a very rude bird ? A mockingbird !
I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats. Either that or I undercooked it.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Everyone in my family is quite wealthy and successful... ...but I hate following the crowd, so I decided to become a panhandler instead. I beg to differ.
Why was 9 mad at 0 after winning a game of bingo? Because 0 1 2
What's the stupidest animal in the Jungle? A Polar Bear
The one time I actually wanted to use the word "duck" in a text... and my phone autocorrects it to "fuck". What the duck.
I used to have a height complex... But I grew out of it.
What's the difference between Mexicans and Jesus? Jesus didn't have tattoos of Mexicans all over *his* body
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Did you hear about the guy who took his suppositories orally? He said, "For all the good these are doing me, I may as well shove 'em up my ass!"
Did you hear about the dog that's become the first to officially own pieces of art? He's the first dog to be able to lick his own Pollocks
I used to always do No Shave November At least until I started growing facial hair.
My first time having sex was a lot like my first time in church.. Actually, come to think of it, it was my first time in church.
2 married mathematicians have fratenal twins They name the boy Adam, and the girl Subtractam
What do you call a group of Geometry classes? A geomeforest.
This morning someone phoned me and told me that I need to sort my fucking life out. It was quite a wake up call.
How do you make a swiss roll? Push him down a hill.
I've decided to name my penis Napoleon... ...because there's a big misconception that it's short, but it's actually average sized
People who say love is dead have obviously never seen me eat a burrito.
Letting Jesus in What do you call a man who let Jesus come inside of him? Gullible.
ESA to release second probe "SHIO" to 67P The "Philae-Shio" team will be sucking in 67P's particles and spitting out information to be sent back to ESA for examination.
What game do you play with a wombat? Wom.
I don't always take the derivative of x^2.... But when I do, it's dos equis.
Once you go black, that toe's gotta come off
Why was the Windows PC broke? It ran out of cache.
What happens when you get a lot of electroshocks within a short period of time? It hertz.
My love life is like a Russian fighter jet... ... I get shot down before I even get close.
Tell us a scary story! Ok kids, gather around *holds flashlight up to face And I'll tell you all that is evil *puts wedding tape in VCR
Have you guys ever seen any of my exes? Exactly.
What rock band constantly ends up featured in fold-out pictures in the middle of magazines? Avenged Centerfold
"As the crow flies" means something entirely different when it's "in your living room" and you are "hiding in the closet with your cat."
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he saw a dolphin caught in a net? "It's not a too-nah!"
What's Finn's favorite grocery store? TR-8R Poe's.
I tried to order a Vietnamese sandwich at a restaurant today while I was walking around topless... The staff refused to serve me, and threatened to bahn mi if I came in without a shirt again.
I bet Batman wears Liam Neeson underwear.
What's the difference between Mighty No. 9 and a gay guy? The gay guy eventually comes out
Disaste. Phew, that almost spelled disaster.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
train operator just yelled at someone to stop smoking and they said "I'm vaping" and the conductor said "I don't care" and everyone laughed
Your mother ...is so big that when she was born the doctor broke a bottle of champagne over her head.
What has 2000 eyes and 4000 feet? A thousand dogs.
What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? Both fun to ride just don't let your friends see you doing it.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life DATE: how do you know that *shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
If they gave out awards for sex... You wouldn't even have a participation ribbon As in, you have not participated. You are virgin
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Happy Independence Day!!! This is probably the last time I get to say that.
What characteristics do chemists look for in people when dating? Asses and faces
My new year resolution is 1024x768.
Why are lesbians bad cooks? because they always eat out...
What feels good in the west but feels cotton in the East? Happi-ness
When Facebook moms post how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"
What do you call a psychic midget wanted by the police? A small medium at large.
I don't care if Ernie and Bert are gay or not, but how do they afford that apartment? Do they even have jobs.
[IAmA request] UPS delivery man. I hope OP delivers.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army.
What do public toilets and homeless shelters have in common? They're both full of bums
Guy comes to my door and asks if I want to be a Jehovah's Witness I said, "Hey man I didn't even see the accident"
Why was there so much chaos at the sperm bank? Because it was first cum first serve.
Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live
Describe yourself in 3 words: 1. Lazy
Facebook is getting out of hand With all the mass debating going on
A dog named joke starts playing with his owners. One of the kids throws a ball across the street, the dog goes for it..... A car runs him over, the joke is over.
Translated from danish: 2 drunk sits in a bar. One says: My dog keeps chasing people on a bicycle..... The other guy things for a bit then replies: Then why don't you take the bicycle from it?.... (c:
My friend tells me he graduated from Europe with a Celsius in Engineering.
[Sex Shop] Worker: can I help you? Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
Someone asked me recently  what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.
Do you know how to make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it
Nuts What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
I once met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds funny, dozen tit?
I'm rich beyond my wildest dream... Too bad my dreams were never too wild.
How does a hacker speak with bread? He uses wheat speak.
Nice empty fish tank It'd be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES! *the terrarium is invented*
Why did the redneck Father walk his kid to school? They were in the same grade!!
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea  when they came out of the movies? - A: Should we walk home or take a  dog?
I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off. Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.
"It's not you, it's me." - Humidity, to Heat
*Indian Accent* I would make a your mom joke... but cows are sacred in my country.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos H: Ma'am those aren't tattoos, they're freckles and you can't bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[on first date] Yes I'll have the- *whispers to waiter* I don't speak French *points at menu* "The French toast, sir?" Yeah. 6 of those.
What do you call a person with a nose but no body? Nobody knows
Some guy just read the funniest joke he's read all week, and then down-voted it. This joke is about him. What do you call an internet addict full of negativity? You don't. No one calls him. Ever.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
What blood type do Canadians have? Type "eh"
Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.
What do you call a 15 year old Korean prostitute Sum-yung ho
If you couldn't tell, I am into fitness. Fitness whole slice of pizza into my mouth!
NSSSA -National Stutter Association.
Attractive person: Hi. Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don't even have shoulders Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
What do you call a magic owl? Hoodini
How does the Addidas executive work through the night? Three lines
What do you call a Mexican Buddhist? Om-bre
There are three kinds of women: the intelligent, the beautiful, and the majority.
What is the smartest fruit? It's the orange, BOY CAN IT CONCENTRATE!
David Sedaris on Willie Nelson What's the last thing you want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blow job? "I'm not Willie Nelson"
Why are there so many Mike Tysons on my news feed today...? "May the forth be with you"
Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road? it got stuck in a crack
What do vampire footballers have at half-time? Blood oranges.
Why did the young soldier go off searching for a wounded prostitute? A cowboy told him there was a hoedown.
Just got out of the shower and realized I forgot to wash my butthole. Oh well, there's always next Sunday.
Did you hear about the Guitar Player who got arrested last week? He was caught fingering A minor.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
the easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
If you could choose between world peace and 1 million dollars... What would you buy?
What do you call a horse that lives next to you? A Neigh-bor. Sorry for my horrible dad joke.
Two cats are swimming across a river, who made it across? one's name is "one two three" and the others name is "un deux trois". who made it across? one two three, because un deux trois cat sank.
What do you call a dog with a great sense of humor? A Chihuahahaha.
Did you all hear about Diarrhea being hereditary? It supposedly runs in your Jeans.
Did you hear about the failed Indian musician? He was hoisted by his own sitar.
Me and be Jealous?... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... Who is McDonald's and why are you 'lovin it'?
Who is Cauli? And why the fuck didn't anyone tell him that he was planting vegetables and not flowers.
Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense Solution: kids
How do cats let us know that they are in pain ? Me...........Owwwwww!!
What do you call a really pompous person with high blood pressure? Hyperpretentious
I skipped 9 puns and killed the last one... That's a pun in ten dead.
People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.
KAREN ADDISON: CHEAP DATE He took me to McDonald's, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs They always take things literally
what do anal sex and vegetables have in common? you enjoy both more as an adult if they arent forced on you as a child.
Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn't mean I'm going to do it again. You're coming across as desperate.
How many seasons are there in a dogs life ? Just one the moulting season !
I'm a lot like an iPhone 4. Girls always leave me in bars and my face is busted
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key.. Stayed stationary.
What's the difference between the 9/11 attack and a dairy cow? You stop milking the cow after ten years.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Annabel ! Annabel who ? Annabel would be useful on this door !
I once had sex on a camping trip... It was fucking in-tents
I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors Those places just rub me the wrong way
Some people go to church on Sunday mornings. I just grabbed snacks and crawled back in bed to watch porn and read tweets.
"I really thought by now we'd all have robots," he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world's knowledge.
Why can't Chinese people have white babies? Two wongs don't make a white
What is the best part of having Alzheimer's? You`re always meeting new people.
What do you call a punch-drunk Japanese person whose father has diarrhea? A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy pappy! I'll show myself out...
What goes *clip-clop-clip-clop-BANG-clip-clop-clip-clop*? An Amish drive by shooting.
What happens when you hit a Jewish guy? Hebrewses
I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.
What's the most common Jewish name? 17038
Why does Hillary keep bumping into people at the White House? So she can be pardoned.
Me: OK bedtime Mind: Hey let's think about stuff Me: No, sleep Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget Me: FUUUUUUUCK
So I was having sex the other day
So Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby and Bill Nye all walk into a bar... They all finish their drinks and Nye says to the lady behind the bar I'll cover the tab these two will give you their tips.
A feminist went to the police department. She said she wanted to file a report because someone called her fat. "It's ok, just leave your thumb print on this broadsheet"
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
what type of cancer do mimes get? Gesticular
What do you call a cow that's masturbating? Beef Stroganoff
What's a dog favourite hobby ? Collecting fleas !
My girlfriend asked me if we could try fitness... I replied, "fitness? How about we try fitness dick in your ass."
How many unwashed gorillas did Fetty Wap buy? 17 dirty apes.
Enjoying Life There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my wife when she has the hiccups. I wish I could wake up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.
Last night I had sex with not one, not two, but zero people.
Tatum is Latin for potato. Channing is from ancient times when someone brilliant was "The Chan". So Channing Tatum is a brilliant potato.
I went to the library and asked if they had the book about men with tiny penises. She said "I don't think it's in yet" I said "Yes, that's the one"
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
What don't elephants forget when they go swimming? Their trunks.
How do you stop an angry elephant from charging ? Take away it's credit cards !
What does Monica Lewinsky and a soda machine have in common? They both say "insert Bill here"
Did you hear about the race between Cambodia and Burma? It was a Thai.
I think my organ donor girlfriend wants to break up with me. She just doesn't have the guts to do it.
I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub. "What are we going to do after this?" I asked her. She said, "How does sex sound?" I said, "Soggy."
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in dirt and then cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser!
How to eliminate world hunger and unemployment at once? Let the hungry eat the unemployed.
Apparently "You should Google it" isn't the best response when she asks how much do you love me? Sigh, women are so demanding..
I married a Jewish girl... It was the best career move I ever made.
How do you milk an almond?
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend's bedroom. I can't believe she's a super hero.
If you have a referee in football what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes!
What do you do when a black person gets killed by a cop? Let Mayweather lead all the protests, That way we know it will be peaceful and someone will get a hug every minute.
I've been teaching myself French so that I can seduce my wife Boner Petite, baby!
Guess who just got laid! Not me. Probably someone, but not me.
If I ever wake up miniature I'm going to use a ravioli as a pillow and just go back to bed.
I like my coffee like I like my women Ground Roasted Cream filled (For the reddit down under, long black/flat white)
Why did the sailboat start exercising? It wanted to get into ship-shape. HA!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me? - Haha, no that's ridiculous, Brock.
"Marines!" "SIR, YES SIR!" "Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp--HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?" "That's too early I quit."
Chelsea asks Hilary to dinner 100k for a meet-and-greet, 250 to say hello and 400,000 for dinner.
North Korea bans sarcasm What a great idea.
What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes? Slow natives.
Some people knocked on my door &amp; asked for a small donation. for building a local swimming pool. I gave them a glass of water.
My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems. Apparently not far enough.
What do you call a quadriplegic in the ocean? Bob...
What noise did the dumbbells make when they were dropped? ... Dong-Ding.
How do you get a paper baby? Marry an old bag.
Why is The Hulk going to get laid tonight? Because he is stronger than you.
I got a handjob from a blind girl and she told me I had the biggest dick she'd ever felt. She was pulling my leg.
"Could you eat scrambled eggs even if you had no saliva?" and other things my wife did not want to talk about at brunch
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The way they traveled through the chimney.
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with  a paint-roller
"Hello flight 56 if you hear me rock your  wings.." "OK TOWER IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"
"We're a completely paperless office." Wow, that's really cool. [Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom] Well this sucks.
you down with ADD? yeah you know me
If you like Christmas so much why don't you merry it?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
What's black and eats pussy? Cervical cancer.
The purest love in the world exists between a rapper and his exotic fish tank.
why isn't there a sprite history month
What did the pony say to the doctor when he had a sore throat? I'm a little hoarse.
My wife decided to adopt a dog from the shelter So now I have to come home to a raging bitch and a poodle.
[Warning: Dad joke] What is a dog's favorite Christmas song? Fleas Navidad
A cowboy walks into a German car convention... He sees a beautiful woman, walks up to her and says, "Audi"
My wife just told me she loves her man more than anything in the world. I don't know where you are buddy, but I'm gonna find you and and kick your ass.
Did you hear about the Mexican racist? he joined the que que que.
Jack All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no pay makes Jack a Mexican.
What comes at the end of every Ray Rice joke? the punchline
What do you call a Russian surgeon who carries out circumcisions? Katia Dickov
Friend: Who's that? Me: Oh...that's crazy Kathy. F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something? Me: No. She eats hair.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
fun drinking game: take a shot of water every couple hours to make sure you're healthy and hydrated
Knock Knock jokes ... The guy who created Knock Knock jokes deserves a "No Bell" prize.
My 7 year old daughter drops this joke on me. What kind of bee's make milk? Boo-bee's
A Jewish Kid... Asks his dad to borrow $5 his dad replies with "$4 dollars?! what do you need $3 dollars for?!"
Three Signs You're Getting Older I was told that there were three signs that you are getting older. The first is senility And I forget the other two.
Firing Victoria of IAMA
Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries
The reason I have only broken 9 out of the 10 Commandments... ...is because I would have to be one sick and twisted individual to use the Lord's name in vain!
I like my women like i like my coffee... Silent.
Your mom is like a shotgun Two cocks and she's ready to blow
Once upon a time,there was this cute black rabbit... ...he used to breath from his arsehole.After a long day of collecting carrots he sat down to rest and died.
What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it. *Heard this from my hubby last night.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Turned on women's volleyball and within four minutes there was a wrist injury Don't worry I'll be fine
I couldn't remember the term "hazmat suit," so I called it a "science burqa."
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
I'm tired of people ripping on calculus all the time. It derives me crazy.
What's a pirate's favourite letter? You may think it's arr, but they are truly in love with the sea!
It's pretty silly to be afraid of spiders when most of them have probably never answered a text message with a phone call.
I just rewrote history!!!! ~~History~~ **History** im so lame omg...
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like "who stopped u" "turtles" "huh" "no they were like faster than normal"
How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear? It was a brief chase...
Mom: can i borrow your laptop? Me: *deletes history* Me: *logs out of twitter* Me: *closes chrome* Me: *opens internet explorer* Me: sure
My first mistake was thinking she couldn't hit a moving target.
I drink Mountain Dew for the protective coating it leaves on my teeth. The kidney stones are a close second.
What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it? A pepperonly pizza!
[Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
2 guys walk into a bar... The third guy ducks.
How do you sum up a cashew? In a nutshell!
"This is not a drill!" -Lying electric drill that refers to itself in the third person
(nsfw) Why did God invent yeast infections? So women also will know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A thon
An Amnesiac Walks Into... An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"
Roses are red, violets are yellow, lilacs are cyan, carnations are rainbowish, this LSD pill is lovely.
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my cock down your throat
I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist Well, he said he was a hung aryan
I poured root beer into a square glass... Now I just have beer.
Nice try, St. Patrick's Day, but I don't need a reason to drink.
While it's true that gay marriage doesn't nullify straight marriage, if Beyonce was born on your birthday it's not your birthday anymore.
Danger is my middle name. nnFirst name: AvoidsnLast name: Completely
What is the name of Mark Zuckerbergs mother? Motherzucker
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I refuse to correct my 4 year old when she calls Nicki Minaj, "Nicki Massage"
If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.
and on the 8th day god created drugs and everybody was like "thanks god you're the shit"
Here's my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: "This will make me famous but not for long"
What did Nirvana say when they drove past a burning school bus? "Smells Like Teen Spirits"
Two stutterers went to order food They didn't.
[2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"
My Ideal Woman is a Single Mother ...once I've finished with her.
Tonight's Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Remember when vampires didn't sparkle, and you killed them rather than french kissed them.
Why was Nancy always on top when the Reagans made love? Ronald Reagan always fucked up.
Hey, did you hear about the streaker with a fetish for police? They caught him, but he got off with a warning.
How do you turn your girlfriend into an angry pirate? Cum in a her eye and kick her in the shin.
M: Um, you just spelled "qwerty" as "querty". H: So? M: Look at the keyboard. H: And? M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]
You've got 99 problems huh? Boo-Hoo. I have a mortgage and a shitty job. Now go fuck Beyonce in a $300,000 car.
[Sexting] "So, what are you wearing?" A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
What do you call a pothead that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless
What do you get when hou bring a Greek and a Swede together? Moose-saka
*toy container falls off ship* *Lego bricks wash ashore on a beach full of barefoot swimmers* *president declares a national emergency*
A gun and a bullet get into a heated argument Police still don't know who fired the first shot
A Gingerbread Man Veteran ...lost his legs in 'Nom
The problem with political jokes is that... They get elected.
I [19/M] am in a D/s relationship, and mistook some pushover chick from my uni for my GF [18/F]! Whoops, wrong sub.
I asked my girlfriend to try anal, She got all butthurt.
Q: How do you fit 10 Amish in a VW Beetle? A:Tell them you are going to the livestock auction
What do you call a smiling black man? Snigger.
What's white, lumpy, and extremely dangerous? Shark infested mashed potatoes.
Why are dogs always SENSITIVE? ------------ Because they have tears in their eyes
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality? *gets arrested*
Did you hear about the new Jason Bourne movie, still Bourne? It was set to come out next year but the plan was aborted
The unemployment rate rose to 9.8% and Twitter is expected to see about a 10% hike to hit 200 million users by New Year's. Coincidence? No.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Wanna here a funny joke? Women's rights.
Why did Sarah name her pet Fawn 99 Cents? Because it wasn't big enough to be a Buck.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner? He lost track of thyme. Happy Thanksgiving.
What should a football team do if the pitch is  flooded ? Bring on their subs !
I hate when people put the beginning of the joke a second time
Why did jillian fall of the swing? She had no arms! Why didnt jillian get back up? She had no legs! Knock knock! Whos there? Sure as hell not jillian :)
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Women are good politicians... Because they know how to introduce bills in the house.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Me: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you're standing outside watching your house burn.
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese phone call.
If you are ever cold. If you are ever cold, go to a corner. It's usually 90 degrees.
That's 49 -7 in dog goals.
What's Dean Martin's favorite eel? That's a moray.
Dating Tips. C all her 69 times a day. R ing her doorbell and hide. E avesdrop by phone tapping. E ye her bffs. P oke her on FB.
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? She worked it out with a pencil.
[on date] ME: I'll have a steak WAITER: How would u like that cooked? ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
A guy tells his doctor "I have a good pee every morning at 7.. "And a good bowel movement at 8." Doctor says "OK so what's the trouble?" Man says "I don't get out of bed till 9!"
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
TIFU by sending nudes to everyone in my address book. Costed me a fortune in stamps.
What did the wall ask the picture? (All together now!) ***"How's it hangin'?"*** ~Skip
I don't think I'm better than you. I never think about you.
BEST ADVICE: Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them.
Don't blame me. You're the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Why are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!
I guess I've cut back on my drinking... Time was, I'd buy a half gallon of bourbon and get drunk four times. Now I buy a half gallon and just get drunk twice.
A dyslexic optometrist diagnosed a patient with stigmata.
What did the llama say when asked to a picnic? Alpaca lunch!
Why did the guitarist keep his condoms in his guitar case? He only needed them after he'd opened it.
Why is there no "Lets settle this like women"? Because it lasts forever.
It was really foggy on my way home today Looked quite misterious
What do you call someone that delivers baby horses? An Equinecologist.
Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven *Gets hit by a water ballon* Jesus: That's not what I meant, Paul
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Ironically Caps 'Lock' is a 'Key'.
Coco The Clown took his car back to the garage this week. The door wouldn't fall off.
A buddy of mine told me he thinks I'm OCD the other day... I told him he was out of his place.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch's middle initial is Q
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say "now everybody clap yo hands" he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
What kind of seagull flies over a bay? A Bay-gull
You say you're an atheist, yet you tell people they can "go to hell!" Make up your mind already.
Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster. "I don't understand it!" He said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday,"
What is the difference between paint and a midgets' underpants? When you sniff paint, you get high
What do big banks and Hillary Clinton have in common? They aren't too big to fail
What does a 9 volt battery and a girls ass have in common? You know you shouldn't, but you're gonna lick it eventually.
Before 9 AM on a workday, "Do Not Disturb" and "Donut Disturb" should mean the same thing.
"Interesting story. I will now find a way to relate your story to something in my life so I can start talking about me again" - Los Angeles
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you're dead, your Miranda rights don't count for shit.
What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common? They're both fucking close to water
People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become god.
What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.
My parents asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said I wanna watch. So they let me
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A labracadabrador.
Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder what happened to my roof
Do you want to hear a joke about Pizza? Nah it's too cheesy
Women is born with two vaginas The parents and the doctor thought it was a miracle until poop came out of the second one
Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I'm not going.
How many Mexicans does it take to build a... Oh wow they're done already!
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. 'Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it'.
"Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl" - me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.
Your password must contain at least two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man.
I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight... But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
What does a blood learn in kindergarten? His abb's
A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench when a little boy runs by. "I'd love to screw that little kid," said the priest. The rabbi responds, "Out of what?"
What do you get when you cross France and Britain? Canada.
What do you call Santa's wife? Mrs Claus. I'll see myself out.
What's the difference between a cult and a religion ? About a couple thousand years.
Someone told me a story of a mountain climber... It ended with a cliffhanger.
I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.
Why did the seal make a Tinder account? To find a Significant Otter.
What did they say about the computer at the Bunny Ranch? It may contain viruses.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
I read an interesting stat online the other day.... Apparently 1 in two and a half men are HIV positive.
I always yell "Cut!" after I drop the soap in the shower because there's usually some Peeping Tom filming me & I want that part edited out.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? One of them has hope in her soul.
Transphobia
*Showing me a picture of your baby* Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?
What rating did Moody's give to the sheep? BAAA
The museum curator was able to identify the slutty violin... ...it was a Straddlevarious :(
I miss dating The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window...
The world loves Apple But Apple's CEO loves banana's
Motstand ar meningslost. -Bjorn Borg
As a kid I wanted to be a tree surgeon... but the sight of sap makes me faint
"Stop the bus and let my friend Jack off!"
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My wife ran off with my next door neighbour.. I sure do miss him.
Do you know that opening windows make the wifi slower. It's because the wifi signal goes out the window.
What do you call a cross between a human and a monkey? A nigger.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids weren't much to look at!
I went into a Apple store and farted. The manger told me to leave. It's not my fault they had no Windows
How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents? The ones with food.
What is the brown stuff between an elephants toes? Slow Natives
Fred: let's settle this once and for all! *fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull* Velma: he wasn't wearing a mask! Fred: I know.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Currently the flower business is blooming.
Doctor, doctor, there's a hairless military strategist on my head! Ah yes, looks like male Patton baldness.
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large
A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.
What do you call a Cow on the moon? A Moo - nwalker
Dress to impress A buddy wanted to improve his relationship with his mother-in-law by ordering her a nice dress from France. Unfortunately, she woke up while he was measuring her with a ruler..
Hey dad I'm tired! There's a nap for that. :)
What do you call a social media platform designed for religious people who also have speech impediments? Faithbook
[ Spelling bee ] Your word is Harry Potter Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!
What do you call a dinosaur that rapes? A sexual predator.
what cant you spell slaughter without? Laughter
Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape? So it won't explode when you fuck it.
Why is sex like a game of Euchre? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
My husband said I was passive aggressive so I punched him in the face and said well, you're half right.
What do you call a crying anime fan... a weeaboo-hoo
To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds... Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods.
When humorists pole-dance it's called a comic strip.
Just had a trick or treater tell me "Vote for Trump" Might be the scariest thing I've heard all night
Stolen Gate The other day, I looked out my window to see two guys stealing my side gate! I didn't say anything to them though. I didn't want them to take offence.
Dear Johnson & Johnson: Ejacu-lotion Please DM me for my address to send royalties checks.
[chess tournament] RIVAL: [plays move] ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess! COMMENTATOR: He's won every round this way
Finally! A joke on here you've never heard before! That's the joke. Edit: Apparently you've heard this before. [New Punch Line] (http://i.imgur.com/rQvpv5h.jpg)
COP: Know why I stopped you? "Drag racing?" COP: Nope. "Speeding?" COP: Definitely not. "Cuz I'm on a unicycle?" COP: That's the one.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
My professor asked me to give an example of a word whose definition got reversed. I literally had no answer.
What is the worst part of being black and jewish? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
Hitler wasn't that bad of a guy He was only doing what he thought was reich.
What did the thirsty Spanish pirate say? I need some arrrrrrrrrrrgua!
What's worse than getting 7 years of bad luck from breaking a mirror? Getting a lifetime of bad luck from breaking a condom.
What do you call a drug dealers phone book? -An addictionary.
What do you call someone who cleans vacuums? A vacuum cleaner.
-You talkin to my girl? *pops knuckles* -What if I am? *cracks neck* *dislocates shoulder* *breaks collarbone* *fractures skull*
A British man, a Welsh man, a Scottish man, and a Polish man walk into a pub. A British man, a Welsh man, and a Scottish man walk out of the pub.
I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years, Come on guys I don't have 2020 vision
What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign? British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg" Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"
Yesterday I tried to catch the fog... Mist.
Oh man, this whole time we've been trying to stop SEAWATER from gushing into our OIL. Stupid Terry was holding the diagram upside down.
If I'm ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC's without singing the song tell my family I loved them
If you can't be interesting, please at least have a completely insane allergy.
Where there's a will... There's a relative.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Impossible. Feminists can't change anything.
What does Batman do with all his spare money? He makes it wayne
Man: I'd like an order of buffalo wings Bartender: sorry, we don't serve food here *a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay? me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he's seen the remote
What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic? When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.
[Americas Got Talent] ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended* JUDGE (under his breath): how'd he do that
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this. 4yos: Me: 4yos: Me: 4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My Islamic friend had a birthday party... It was a blast!
This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim (Say it to the tune of the Mario pipe noise)
A show about a vampire glee club's exploits in 1960's New York. You're welcome, Hollywood.
It's two in the morning.  Do you know where your blankets are?
I like my women like I like my golf score In the low 80s with a slight handicap
Doritos announced new Pride-Flag inspired rainbow colored tortilla chips This will be the first time finishing a bag of Doritos has ever been associated with pride. Credit: @LateNightSeth
What do you get when you have a nosey pepper? It gets jalapeno business.
"It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!"  American children.
I always set my watch 10 minutes forward. I wanna be ahead of my time
5 DAYS AGO I was bit by a spider, and STILL, no super-powers. Comics lie.
I dated a schizophrenic once... ...but I had to break it off because he kept seeing other people.
[sees cute girl jog by] "Imma run up and ask her out" [one block later still not caught up] "Ok, wow, we probably weren't soul mates anyway"
Why are mirror makers proud of what they do? Their work is a reflection of themselves.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage and a little bit of milk; they can keep a girl's stomach full for 9  months..
Girlfriends are like phone apps They come with in-app purchases, and need the reassurance of updates to function well.
Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq? Because they're all Targets.
I saw on a Viagra bottle "Keep away from Children" What kind of a man do they think I am?
"Our new model works 40 percent of the time. Best one, yet. Congratulations, everyone." - CEO of automatic paper towel dispenser company
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
I'm going to create a Mexican supremacist group called the ??? The que que que?
Why do all the ladies love Jesus? (spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.
How did the Jewish man take advantage of the wasted girl at the bar? He had her pay his tab!
How much does a flight to Rio cost? A Brazilian dollars.
How do you take a Mexican family portrait? Put them in the back of a truck and run a red light.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted!
The link in the text.... Stolen Bull semen. http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2016/01/22/nearly-50000-in-bull-semen-stolen-from-turlock-truck/
I have a pen pal in North Korea I asked him what's it like there. "I can't complain" he wrote back.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians [walking] Goddamn drivers [both] Goddamn cyclists
I love the smell of moth balls, but I find it difficult to spread their tiny little legs.
Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming? Crackers always leave crumbs.
What did the priest say to the child at the playgrounds? Its a slippery slope.
Did you say that you need to go see a psychiatrist? That's crazy!
Sex with a weatherman must suck. Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches, only to find out it's not even 4.
what does a sneeze see after it dies sneezus
If I was an engineer, I would turn emo. My inventions would be "Cutting Edge"
Incest People say that incest is a game for the whole family.
I lost my college football scholarship in the very first game this weekend, for pulling a groin. Not mine, someone else's.
I was always a home builder but lately I've developed an apartment complex.
What is green and has wheels Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Q: What do you call it when a book spies on people? A: A peeping tome.
I heard a glass of red wine a day was good for prostate health... My doctor, on the other hand, says I'm doing it wrong.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain
Imagine a world not only without sex but where there is the constant threat that a stork will just drop a fucking baby off at your house.
Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
What do you do when a bird shits on your windshield? Don't take her on a second date.
You know what's grosser than gross? Running through a field of dead babies and getting your toe stuck in an eye socket.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don't look good. The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Where do holy men sleep? Monk beds.
What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
This is how the disaster happened. Poop : knock knock. Anal sphincter : who is this?? Poop : Fart. Anal sphincter : OK. Pass!
Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors. So that it could hide in the crayon box. Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.
Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time For shits and giggles.
What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining after it lands
What bounces and makes kids cry? The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.
It's weird that America has never had a bald eagle president but Australia has had several kangaroo prime ministers (I assume).
SON: I need lunch money. DAD: Get a job. SON: I'm in 5th grade- DAD: All I'm hearin' is excuses.
How does JokeExplainBot work? Having all that trivial information must be a big distraction...
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot before he hits the water.
Texas... It's not the heat, it's the stupidity.
A joke my three year old brother told me Why do cows poop carrots? BECAUSE THEY'RE CARROT COWS!!!
My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".
Why is women's soccer so rare? It's quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
My fiance asked me what I thought about having kids. I told her that I love children, I just can't bear them!
Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends.
this one has claws This one swims but can't fly This one is huge & runs funny This one bangs his head against trees - god making birds
My vacuum sucks So I decided to sell mine, it was just collecting dust.
What would you call a Chinese based arm of Isis? Ricesis
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
There are two types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
How do you know it's time to go to bed? Hitler is raping you!
Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again? Works for my computer.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing "Fortunate Son" on my boombox while watching a man die.
America, you're fired. Love, United Nations
A few months ago I got a haircut I didn't like... ...but since then, it's grown on me.
What's the difference between a normal ambulance and a skydiving ambulance? Well, a normal ambulance is usually a van with a stretcher in the back. A skydiving ambulance? A bucket and a shovel.
What do Leonardo DiCaprio &amp; anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common? Their odds of winning are the same
Dinner at Cracker Barrel My wife and I at Cracker Barrel tonight. I looked around and said "looks like we're having dinner at the nursing home."
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs] "You doing legs today?" Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I came, I saw, the neighbors complained.
"I put on pants for nothing" - my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled. Someone set up her Twitter account.
Do you know the difference between erotic and perverted? An erotic person will use a feather on their partner. A perverted person uses the whole chicken.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying 'don't worry baby, I'll catch you if you fall' makes him run for a really really long time
It's terrible waking up with regret. Perhaps if she changed her name I'd feel better.
Why should you never play cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs
Energizer Bunny The Energizer Bunny was arrested today. He was charged with battery.
When someone farts... Guy 1: What'd that asshole say? Guy 2: Just talking shit.
So you hate Facebook? Thanks for sharing that with me on Facebook.
I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster.
I saw Don Draper driving a toupee across a high-wire. Another character driven piece on cable.
One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!! I'll fuck their boyfriends
It must really suck working for a calendar company You can't take any days off
Need a joke to tell my Public Speaking class this Monday.. Can be as crude as you want, but no racist or sexist jokes.
Did you hear about the lady who ate her dog? She said it tasted like bark.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that's how he lost his job in disaster relief.
Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger
Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned
why do gorillas have big nostrils? Big fingers!!!
So carrying a "wet floor" sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon Dating is hard.
Q: What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? A: She was beside herself.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.
Lunchtime at McDonald's A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
Armed assault on the banter convention Shots fired.
You so ugly on Halloween someone said scary costume.
I discovered I have a fetish for figuring things out. (X-post /r/puns) I came to the realization.
I'm not saying she's a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.
First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
My mother called me a son of a bitch... I barked back angrily.
I tried to be a pornstar But apparently that type of content breaks Terms of Service on Vine
2 fish are in a tank The one asks, "how do you shoot this?"
Being OCD and an optimist, I see the glass half full but I measure to make sure it's EXACTLY half.
I don't want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach...unless there's a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I like to yard work listening to Judas Priest... ......singing at the top of my lungs: RAKING THE LAWN RAKING THE LAWN!
There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
What do you call a Chinese Podiatrist? Hee Lan To
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.
How many feminists does is it take to change a lightbulb? None, they have a glass ceiling instead.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? with Little Ceasars
WIFE: *motions to me that she's choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
As I walked down an alley today, I was accosted by what I thought was an angry, needy turnip. It turned to be a ruder beggar.
If I wasn't too busy adulting... I'd be kidding
I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your  peace.
My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now. Starting to get suspicious... What kind of monster still has a VCR?
Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.
I just got back from the battered women's shelter... Boy are my arms tired!
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito? You can't. A mosquito is a vector and the mountain climber is a scaler. Courtesy of my physics professor.
[in bed] Her: Easy, cowboy. I'm not having unprotected sex. Me: No worries! Her: Where are you going? Me: To lock the front door. Her: ...
I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.
Whenever people say "don't judge me" I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear. *whispers* Judged you.
What's an environmentalist's favorite part of a computer? The recycle bin.
What is the worst thing about being black and Jewish? You have to stand at the back of the oven.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ? He sold his soul to Santa.
I'm exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I'm slurring my words.
What do you call a place monks go for Halloween? A monascary
What's a lumberjacks favorite animal? A TIMBERwolf
I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology. I don't have a job but at least I know why.
Why did the python do national service ? He was coiled up !
There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Isn't it time we stopped celebrating Columbus day? Peter Falk died in 2011.
I like giving names to my furniture Right now i'm chillin' with Oscar the Couch
As kid, It was always easy to find the black kids on the playground... They were always hanging around the monkey bars.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
So my math teacher asked what I did over Thanksgiving... (-1)/8
Why are there so many Chinese people? Because as soon as you fuck a Chinese girl, you're horny again half an hour later.
"I'll Knock You Into Next Week" have black mothers invented time travel? Details at 11. #ABCReports
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap] dude that things for bears
I ate 2 pieces of string... When they came out they were tied together. I shit you knot.
What do you call a crab that plays baseball? A pinch hitter.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship. DEVIL: ok, but you'll have to host the Republicans. CLE: ...Fine. DEVIL: Trump's the guy. CLE: We want 2.
Why are so many people obese these days? Because burgers are$.99 and salads are $4.99
What's the difference between sex and a slice of pizza? It takes me longer to eat the pizza
What's Irish and sits outside? Patio Furniture
What is Six Point Nine? A good time ruined by a period.
What do you call an italian hooker? A pasta-tute
If a guitar player is a guitarist, and a piano player is a pianist, what's the term for someone who plays the banjo? Racist
I was writing a book about Abortion Sadly it never delivered.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I lost all my fingers on one hand yesterday... ...but on the other hand, I'm okay.
Five Star Hangover Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the vomit in my car, I'm pretty sure that I'm a ball of fun when I black out on Saturday night.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? The bad golfer goes ::Whack:: "Damn it!" The bad sky diver goes "Damn it!" ::Whack::
My mom wanted to send me to a program last summer for people with ADHD... It was called a Concentration Camp.
What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed? You would be stoned to death.
My thoughts today are like underwear, I don't have any clean ones.
I do not like them in my inbox. I do not like them from a blond fox. I do not like your webcam spam. I do not like them, Scam I Am.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones...I'm done..my arms are killing me!
Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin? He followed lynx in his family.
Why do Spanish tests take so long? Because of all the ese questions.
Did you hear about the murderer in India? he was a very sikh man
You've probably heard of Davy Jones' locker, but do you know who Davy Jones is? He's a Sea-Monkee.
Yo momma's so dumb... ...she voted for Trump.
So I was invited to an amputee party last night... It was absolutely crawling with pussy.
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? How do you find an egg in all this shit?
What comes after the third car? The ford car.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste!
What's the definition of endless love? A tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder
A penis and a condom walk into a bar and spend the whole night drinking, Come closing the penis tries to stiff the bartender... But his friend had him covered.
America is in the labor room right now... Within 24 hours we will know if it's a boy or a girl.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I don't have a friend called Louise. If I did I would always be saying "Jeez Louise" to her. Then I wouldn't have a friend called Louise.
HR: Sir, why is your secretary standing with tens of underwear in hand? Boss: Damn, I asked her to debrief all the interns before the meeting.
Just wrote "Rhanks" to someone. Who am I? Scooby Doo?
WEIRD BUT TRUE: If you put enough granola in the tailpipe of a Prius, a Slam Poet will receive a Tote Bag from NPR.
I figured out why republicans are all over the place this election cycle. If you walk without rythm, it won't attract the Bern... I'll see myself out.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
To the guy that found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you.
How do you milk a sheep? Bring out a new iPhone.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you've dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Want to hear a clean joke? A man takes a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is a man
Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse? In the foliage.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.
Why did the baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin' up some poop.
Why did the baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken!
What did Vizzini say when he heard of your mom's abortion? Inconceivable.
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out because Santa didn't come.
Man texted: "I want you to be my little angle." I answered: "Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?" Two days have passed, no reply.
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "wow where did you get that?" Parrot looks at him and says "Africa, there's millions of them."
People are always mistaken thinking there is only 1 letter in the pirate dictionary, in actual fact there is 10 Eye eye, argh and the 7 seas
Strategy du jour for combating 5 & 7yo's over-competitiveness: "First person to say it's a race loses."
Eyecare Clerk: And for $79 we can coat your lenses with anti-glare. Me: Is that intended to benefit me or the people I glare at?
If she's freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place
What do you call 10 black guys playing basketball ball? Three on three.
My wife told me she wants something that goes 0-200.... I told her to go step on the scale!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it...... He's gay, definitely gay.
My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.
Why did Jesus Christ go to the doctor? His resurrection lasted more than four hours.
What always stays hot in the refrigerator? Horseradish
What's the difference between a Transformer robot and a Transgender person? One is living in a spaceship and one is living a lie.
Sometimes I see a post and think " good.. its your own fault"
I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.
Just took an acting class.... Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player
Why do Pandas have such a hard time mating in captivity? Because all of their broads are in Atlanta
My wife said she was divorcing me because I am obsessed with masturbation. I told her to go fuck herself
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Where do detectives go to have a drink? The Search Bar.
What's crude and beneath most Canadians? America
Next week on Teen Court Lawyer: objection ur honor! Judge: objection totes denied Lawyer: smdh
if cops want to catch serial killers why don't they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas
You ever notice when it comes to blow up dolls... They're always so surprised to see us
Man, I'd give my first born to be able to have a kid someday
LPT: Microwave your spoon first to make scooping out ice cream easier. It warms up the spoon and makes the process less frustrating.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display
Joke I prefer my scotch the same as my women...16 years old and mixed up with coke
One How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink? A double Manhattan on the rocks.
A lady walks into a bar... Sits down and says to the bartender "give me a double." He asks "what'll it be?" She replies "make it an entedre." So he gave it to her.
A man rings work to tell them he's sick. "How sick are you?" "How sick? Well, I'm fucking my sister for a start."
How are burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend related? All come from not pulling out on time.
Son: "Mom, Dad... I'm gay" Mom: *staring at dad Dad: *clenches fists Mom: ...don't! Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD
What's thick, black, and over a foot long? My roommate's asian girlfriend's hair clogging the fucking shower drain.
I like my women how I like my weather moist and unstable.
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... ... I said maybe...
I have sixth sense, I see stupid people.
BEARD PROGRESSION: 1. Clean shaven babyface. 2. Cool stubble. 3. Rugged. 4. Homeless man. 5. Psycho killer. 6. Religious nutjob. 7. Wizard.
Have you heard the joke about the man with no tongue? No? Probably a good thing, it's pretty tasteless.
What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living? A bad gambler
What do you call an alcoholic dog ? A whino !
What do you call a blowjob from a vampire? Blood sausage.
This fellow said to me 'You speak in a odd way, have you come from abroad?' To which I replied 'Steady on fellow, I would kindly ask you not to speak of my mother in such a fashion!'
What's really important to a bat when they are looking for a new home? Echo-location, location, location (Replace "bat" with "zubat" if you wish.)
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room, because it's black.
Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
An interesting fact about the word "poop." While saying the word "poop" your mouth resembles your anus while pooping. Another great example of this relationship is with the word "diarrhea."
What's the only animal that can't get hit in the head? Duck.
I found some pictures of little trolls that were taken a long time ago They're ol'-imp-pics
Sure Hillary sucks... ...Just not as much as Monica.
Why did the professional poker player season his meat with marijuana? Because he wanted his steaks high.
What does a astronaut put in a sandwich? Space Jam
Me and My Friends Play Yu-Gi-Oh In The Shed We call it the Shed-O-Realm.
What's an algebra teachers favorite animal? A grr-affe http://metalinjection.junipconcepts.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Giraffe-Tongue-Orchestra.jpg?1fed28
Today I shot a black man and his wife It was a beautiful wedding
"Boss, I've got a probl-" "There are no such things as problems, only opportunities" "Oh, ok. I've got a serious drinking opportunity"
Do you like hot women that scream in bed? Check out the burns unit at the hospital.
I like my coffee like I like my women... No Penis
Want to hear my favorite joke? 729271
Fed Up with PETA. We should start an organization called People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals. We'd be knows as a bunch of P.U.T.As
Personally, I'm fine with what Reddit's admins are doing. It's fun watching them Digg their own grave.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a painting...
I just think it's sad that we've seen eachother naked and we don't talk every day.
Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...
What do you call a bison that's sick to his stomach? A barffalo
People are rough on gym teachers, but let's not forget all the years they spend in college, learning how to yell a last name in a scary way.
there's something my mother never realized the irony of calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I got fired from my job at the juice company. I couldn't concentrate.
Single men everywhere strain to make one major change this new year... their bed sheets.
What's it called when you wake up after a night of drinking and feel shitty? Being sober.
LGBTQ stands for... LGBTQ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and I think... queer, which is strange.
Police men knock on the door..... Somebody knocks on door: Who is there? Police? What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other.
Why are Italians so good at football? Because it involves changing sides halfway through.
What sex position produces the ugliest offspring? I don't know go ask your mom.
I cant share a coke with my native american friend. You try finding a label that says "little feather"
What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers." What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."
What's Forrest Gump's favorite diner? Dennays
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them
Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war? He lost it in a hair raid.
The next World Cup is going to be held in Nevada FIFA Las Vegas
"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For Drizzle
I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on
I never knew much about people Until I took one apart, just to see how it works.
What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? "Han So-High"
Why can't you take a pig out on a date? Because she will squeal on you.
"I am inspiring" -Russian guy who's about to get kicked out of his spy ring
What do you call a Mexican who acts like a white person? A Juan-a-be
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: "I enjoy receiving a paycheck."
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
I told a fish joke the other day... It went swimmingly.
You can baby proof your house instantly by not inviting any babies over.
What did the deaf, dumb, blind orphan get for Christmas? *Cancer!*
Talk to your kids about drugs. Talk to your stepdads about jazz. Like, just generally be polite and ask people about their interests.
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
A pedophile, a rapist, and a priest walks into a bar He orders a drink.
Three maxi pads walk up to a bar... ...a large, medium and a small one. Which one is the first to say something to the bartender? None of them, they're all stuck up cunts.
What is the stinkiest businessman? Entra-Manure
Want to know how I can see 6 years into the future? I have 2020 vision.
Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
I stopped reading posts about song lyrics because they remind me of somebody that I used to know
If life gives you melons... Check for dyslexia
I always arrive late at the office... ... But I make up for it by leaving early.
If Michael Vick was a Pokemon trainer.... ..he would be a gym leader
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I have to give my boss handjobs while he looks at porn after work. Also, I am the boss. Credit:/u/_silver_surfer_
What's the difference between "ooo" and "ahhhh"? About 3 inches.
There are almost no problems that cannot be solved by adding puppies into the equation... except for world hunger...which come to think of it, they can also solve.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Craig ! Craig who ? Craig in the wall !
Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow? Because it was Chewy
Comic Sans is like if Guy Fieri were a font.
Please scan your first please place the item in please scan your rewards please slide your card in thank you for shopping with us
Why is a giraffes neck so long? Because its head it so far away from its body
Jeb Bush: "The Pope should not discuss climate change because he's not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife's gynecologist"
Its not surprising that Republicans lost two presidental races to Obama In long races usually the guy from Kenya wins.
Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union? A: Every man for himself.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship? Carbon dating
I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.
When you give a wet-willy in a pool... It's just a willy.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe
Punctuation is really important: it's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse, and helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse.
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokenoff!
Did you hear about the girl who was dating the guy with the wooden leg? She broke it off
Whats yellow and blue and has a tight ass at one end? A Lidl's carrier bag.
The pollen is so bad this year ...that it has the addicts turning their meth back into sudafed!
Ppl freakin cuz its sharks in the ocean. News flash: that's where they live! If u see them at Chipotle, then we have a problem
I once fell in love with an encyclopedia. I was completely in-fact-uated.
What's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls, they're under a buck!
A Black Couple Are Having Sex Black guy: Who's yo daddy? Black girl: I dunno lol Black guy: Same lol
What's the difference between CNN and Al Jazeera? CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al Jazeera shows them landing.
Strange new trend in the work office started. People have been writing names on the food. Today I ate some pizza named John.
Psychic: reads my mind My mind: waelcome to my kitchennnnnn.... We have bananis...... And avocadi
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ? Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Two blondes walk into a library That's the joke
A photon walks into a hotel The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
No one wants to hear about anyone else's niece.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Joe sent me to John this morning... Boy was that meeting complete shit!
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down-And possibly use a lubricant.
Does anyone know what happened to Operation Baby? Last i heard, they had to abort.
I've never been put in the "friend" zone, but I have been put in the "please don't tell my friend's" zone.
What did C.S. Lewis say about The Lord of the Rings books? "I don't know what you're Tolkien about!" Yeah, sorry.. I know it's dumb.
Son, you're kind of like rapunzel. But instead of letting your hair down you let everyone in your life down.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?
What is brown and sticky? A brown stick. Bonus: what's red and fluffy? Red fluff.
My girlfriend hates my cheesy jokes They really grate on her
She- get lost Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
According to Carl Jung, I should live life like a kleptomaniac hooker... ...and take things as they come.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone's been thinking of me so much they're giving me a stroke!
Saw a sign at a gas station earlier that said "car wash out of order." So I waxed my car, sprayed it with water and then applied soap.
Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...
I said to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hairback Apparently thats an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient
Modern Feminism Saw this subreddit so I thought I'd pitch in my two cents.
What did batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? "Robin, get in the batmobile!"
It's so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.
Was Hitler's favorite number 8? NEIN NEIN NEIN!
Knock Knock...Who's there? HIPPA...HIPPA Who?...Sorry, Can't tell you.
A Billionaire, a Misogynist, and a Racist walks into a bar The bartender asks how he is doing in the election. Edit: shitty spelling and punchline
Interesting fact - 80% of people inside a Radio Shack have no idea how they got there or how to get out.
What joke is the darkest? Fire away please! I want to hear it all!
I tried to put two apples together But then I got a pear
I once called a psychic. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
Say the punchline first How do you ruin a joke?
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is, its heading straight for the World Trade Center.
CPR refresher class. We're told, "If they're not breathing, there's no way you can make it worse." Woman then trips; kicks dummy's head off.
This Brazil v. Germany World Cup Game.
Shower joke Patient goes to doctor - Doctor, I smell really bad - Have you tried taking a shower? - Yes .. a week goes by and I smell bad again
What is the opposite of Christopher reeves? Christopher Walken
I saw a lady texting and driving today... I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
The man asks "Are you working hard today?" Worker: Oh I'm working about as much they pay me...a little bit every 2 weeks
What do you call a bird that flies over a baseball stadium? A fowl !
I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.
"Hey! I don't remember all those CGI space-dudes at the reception!"--George Lucas's wife re-watching their old wedding vids.
Lazy fact 25428394692846 You didn't read that number
If owls are so wise why are they always eating rodents instead of pizza rolls?
Why did the superhero flush the toilet? It was his duty!!!! told to me by my 7yo son
WANTED: Good man, about 90 years old, half blind, deaf in one ear, bad leg, no teeth, good with a gun.. To watch my wife while I'm out hunting.
I hear you've been tracing your ancestors on  the internet... Yes - and it's a mammoth task!
Why did frosty the snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snowblower was coming by.
I heard a great HIPAA joke yesterday But I can't tell you !
Roses are red... Roses are red. Violets are red. The grass is red. The fence is red. OH SHIT THE GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.
How did the violinist learn to play violin? He just started fiddling with it.
Vodka doesn't care about your 70's bush...
At Toys "R" Us, Barbie and the Chuck Norris actions figures must be at least eight aisles apart by law. After all, it is a children's store.
It's really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So...I took away the door
I eat children for a living You what? I said I feed children Oh haha thought you sa- TO MY MOUTH
Little on the nose that the Pope's riding around in a Fiat, isn't it? But then, I guess we know he's into that Fiat luxe.
Kids, on Christmas Eve Santa WILL break in to your house. He wants to STEAL YOUR COOKIES. If he has an "accident" the law is on your side.
Why does time go by so fast in Italy? Because every time you turn around you see a dago by.
How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking? Slow down and use some lube
Don't play the game where you listen to Mellencamp's "Small Town" and drink every time he says "small town". I just woke up in a dumpster.
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel..
If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
"I hate being half bicycle, half motorcycle" he moped
What do you get when you cross a kid who's eaten enough sugar to send a rocket into orbit, and the meanest boy in the whole world? Hyperbole
I'm working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, "Batman really let himself go".
What do Muslim men do during foreplay? Tickle the goat under the chin.
What is "moving and walking straight"? Four words. Edit: when do I kill myself.
Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.
What does Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common? They both stick their raw meat into five year old buns. It's been almost 6 years...is it okay to make jokes yet?
Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad? From the looks of it, your dad won
Tried explaining Twitter to my dad, but his "why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.
So two guys walk into a bar holding holding hands I think I'm at the wrong bar...
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
My boss keeps asking me to cut my hair. I keep telling him it is part of my religion I worship the Metal Gods. Edit: TL;DR 666
How many potatoe does it take to kill a Latvian? none (inspired by /u/aces613 )
My dad asked why i have a gun in my house Is said because of the decepticons, i laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster, it was a good night.
Just found this sub the other day and I've come to this realization... Currently, this subreddit seems to be in quite the pickle.
Police caught me leaving Trader Joe's without buying pita & hummus now I'm going to jail
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? a drummer ...
I bet we'd have to say 'The steaks are pretty high' if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.
How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Yo momma so dumb, she wanted to try Salsa dancing but she couldn't get the jar open.
What did one dog say to the other dog? I like "Hot Dogs".
I wish people's voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good
What kind of writing makes the most money? Ransom notes.
Well well well, if isn't the girl who gave me cooties in third grade...
To anyone who might want to try homebrewing: Trust me, it's wort your while.
Gay jokes aren't funny come on man
How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving. Forgive me.
I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.
What's the shortest Tom Cruise joke? He walks into a bra.
I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.
I bought some new shoes today from my dealer. The only problem is I don't know what she laced them with, and have been tripping all day.
What's it called if you re-evaluate your butt? In hiney-sight.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The projected sales figur- *phone buzzes* the proj- *buzzes again* *checks phone* Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I'm being owned online
Looking at you, I understand why some animals eat their young.
What has wings a long tail and wears a bow?  A birthday pheasant!
My grandma's a thief You should see her snatch.
What do you call an agnostic? An athe-ish.
Her: I'm leaving you Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns? Her: Yah Me: But Aenid you
For those of you who are a fan of Pokemon How do you get a Charizard on a bus? You pokemon!
Knuckle tats: (M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S) (W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Yarrrr! What's a pirrrate's favorite letterrr? "R?" NOOO!!! It's the Sea!!!
Me and Julio At Least 500 Feet Away From the Schoolyard
I'm working on a new adult film loosely based on "Two girls, one cup" but with a bondage theme... It's called "I shit, you knot."
Which video game do Mexicans play the most? Borderlands
Boss: "You're an hour late!" Guy who is about to invent daylight savings time: "Haven't you heard?"
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I'm a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
How did Moses make his tea in the morning? Hebrewed it.
A farmer was in a field with his cows, he counted 196 of them.... ..... but when he rounded them up he had 200.
How do you get a free flight at an airport? Take the stairs.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Buddy: Why don't women want to have sex in the morning? Me: Dunno Buddy: You ever try to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
I went to a shitty store today They only sold stools
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
Here's a good joke! /r/TwoXChromosomes
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out
Say whatever you want about pedophiles... ..but at least they slow down in school zones...
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
What does David Bowie get at the supermarket? Can-cer
How is a broken clock better than a politician? The clock is still right twice a day.
If girls didn't exist... ... then life would be a real pain in the ass.
What do you call a Chinese baby in the oven? a 2nd born.
Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it
Clickbait. What did you expect? Honestly.
Why did the fallen child cross the road? Believing that one day, the chicken will cross the road, it fills you with determination.
If you look like your passport photo You probably aren't well enough to travel.
What did the cannibal say to his co-worker? You should stop by later. The missus and I are having people for dinner.
What's the difference between jokes and dicks? Your mother can't take 3 jokes at the same time.
What's the difference between a Priest and Acne? Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face
Does anyone remember Gotye? Now he's just somebody that we used to know
How is your diet going? "Horrible. I had eggs for breakfast." "Scrambled?" "Cadbury."
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Can you name even one East African country? Well, Kenya?
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer  and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes "Damn." WHACK!
Classic nursery rhyme Jack and Jill went up a hill, each had a quarter. Jill came down with fifty cents, you think they went for water?
I pray every night that I never become religious...
"You're never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I've got a protein deficiency." "No whey!"
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.
I just lost my left arm and left leg in an accident. I'm all right now.
What's the similarity between Divorce and tornados in the Midwest? Someone's losing their trailer
I would have got the Google Glass but I don't have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*ding-dong* - "Hello, my name is Tony, I'm here to bang your daughter." - "TO WHAT?!" - - "TONY!"
What is Blair Walsh's favorite song? I have no idea honestly, you would have to ask him
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Apparently other than the russian ties, another interesting revelation was released about Trump. He loves trickle-down economics.
What's 9 inches long,pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth Her miscarriage
Me: Did you know that a woman's voice gets higher when she's attracted to a man? Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend
"The last ''Sup?'" - cool Bible
What is Al Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
Why'd the short man take the elevator up? He was feeling down
What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
Are you from Heaven? Because you look like you just died
"They say you should dress for the job you want..." "Then why the fuck are you naked?!?" "Because I want a blow job"
I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall 'for a good time'. Then I recognized my hand writing.
[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine? You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you
If someone calls me "boo" I automatically assume they're trying to scare me.
If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.
What happened to the gun that kept randomly shooting? He got fired.
I would tell you a joke about my penis... ...but it's too long.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG dad: omg [sheds a tear]
What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts!
Q: Why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof? A: He wanted to make a big splash in front of his class.
What do you call a building you can't locate? A warehouse
If I don't get off Reddit, my dad says he will smash my head against the keybosdqAFQ#D!E
Have the uneasy feeling there are Baldwin brothers out there I don't know about yet.
bees What kind of scary bees can produce milk? - boo bees
What do you call a prostitute giving a blowjob under a bridge? Nothing. That's a low blow.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
Saw my mate wanking today oops that was meant to say 'Wayne King', damn auto correct.
"How am I driving?" No seriously, how did I get here. This isn't my car.
...Moth balls Have you ever smelled moth balls? . . . . . You have?...How'd you get the tiny little legs apart?
A frog's car broke down.. It gets "TOAD" away.
I learned to watch my back after seeing a dude kill his brother &amp; then try to bang his girl. Life comes at you fast when your a kid Watching The Lion King
Pigeons... I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms. I think it might be a military coo.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden  have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
What is a Muslim's favorite type of meat? Shalami! haha!
I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don't have my wallet
I've heard of a lot of dumb criminals... but bakery robbers take the cake
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
What do you call a psychic, midget fugitive? A small medium at large.
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultra-sound guy. [read next comment]
I'm sick and tired of all these goddamn illegal aliens taking jobs away from good, hard-working American aliens.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate it's tit a lot
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish... She would dress like herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
What do you call a fat Psychic? A Large
2 guys walk into a bar. The first one says i want h2O and has a drink. Says damn this is good. The second guy says "bartender, I want some h2O too." The second guy dies.
What's the worst swear word to a tv exec? Godhole.
I was going to write a joke about feminism... But my husband wouldn't let me.
I wish my lawn was emo... ...so it would cut itself
Did you know princess diana was on the radio during her car accident? She was also on the dash, windshield and the hood
First people said "Myspace" me. Now everyone says "Facebook" me. I'm sticking with a classic and still telling people to "blow" me.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
What problem afflicts 40% of all pedophiles? Immature ejaculation
Why do we measure snakes in inches? Because they don't have any feet!
Have you seen the features on the next-gen iPhone? Just google 'Galaxy S4 reviews'.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've already lost three days.
So, Joan Rivers just died, and... ... she's scheduled for more plastic surgery next week.
What did the eggs say when the cops showed up? Everybody scramble!
TIFU by shamelessly copying a top post Whoops wrong sub
CANADIAN: im a canadian DATE: cool i've never met a comedian befor CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Elton John may be a very good pianist, But he sucks on the organ.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Why did the tomato turned red? Because it saw the salad dressing
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me? I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you
Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.
woman on death row Warden: "What would you like for your last meal?" Woman: "I don't know, what do you want?"
What's the difference between a Hummer and a cactus? A cactus has all the pricks on the outside.
A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." "...and then it was too late."
What does the earth say to the moon during a solar eclipse? "OOh, that's perfect right there. Just stay right there... Dude?..Alright, whatever... This side of the moons a dick."
Matthew McConaughey's acting secret is that he always just came
I love it when corporations have a sassy "human" Twitter presence, like their CEO wouldn't cut your mom's throat for a nickel.
"You are what you eat." ARE YOU CALLING ME A PUSSY?
What do you get if you cross a rhetorical question and a joke?
Bob and Sei are launching fireworks on the 4th of July. In an accident, Bob launches a firework into Sei's eye. Bob turns to Sei and says, "Oh, Sei, can you see?"
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[Starbucks] Excuse me, this isn't what I ordered. "You ordered a Grande." Yes, but this is Ariana Grande. "Sir, please just take her."
What do you call a dirty atheist? An unholy mess!
I don't mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying,. "I wish I did that."
What is a Siths favorite thing to ride in? An elevader.
Chuck Norris won the Origami Championship in 1983...folding a rock
The year is 42069. We've stopped changing the date, it's just always the year 42069 and people spell their names with emojis. It's awesome.
Don't look at the address bar goddamnit ...So they did. (I'll bet you're curious what the actual title is. Wait til April 2nd to find out!)
Why does Islam get angry if you criticize their religion? Im not sure they always seem to blow things up out of proportion.
What's the last thing a Redneck says before he dies? Watch this!
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Scratches and dents on the doors of your car are the side effects of bad driving.
If nerds play RPGs, what do Geeks play? RBGs.
My grandpa said that my generation relies too much on technology So I said "No, your generation relies too much on technology." And I unplugged his life support.
What concert can you go to for 45 cents? 50 Cent ft. Nickelback
I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for someone who can't even see.
Twitter is where the nerds from highshool shine because we know how to use correct grammar, metaphors, & sarcasm correctly. And we can read.
3yo: what are you eating? me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables
Which burger is famous for a long nose? Cyrano de Burgerac!
So I'm chatting to this 14 year old on the Internet.. She is funny, flirty, sexy and intelligent and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop, how cool is that at her age!
If my wife googles images of breastfeeding its perfectly okay. But when I do it, and substitute 'big and wet' for 'feeding', she gets angry.
My brother wants to tell our parents he's gay & I'm helping by singing "The Son'll Come Out, Tomorrow" whenever we're together.
They said I'd never overcome my addiction to Phil Collins. &amp;#x2669; But take a look at me nooooow &amp;#x2669;
What do you call two crows sitting on a branch? Attempted murder.
What is a pirates favourite part of a fish? The aye
Accents are important. Would you rather be touched by Jesus or Jesus?
What do you call a night watchman with deep-set self-esteem issues? An insecurity guard 
I've started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer. Thus I have to move it to get a beer. Because exercise is important too.
Charlie Sheen lied.. He told us he had tiger blood. It seems as though he had Magic's blood.
Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling.
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
Drinking Bud Light is like having sex in a canoe... Its fucking close to water.
Did you hear about the snail who bought himself a Ferrari and painted a big yellow "S" on the side? Now wherever he drives, people watch and say "Look at that S-car go!"
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.
What three letters in the alphabet frighten  criminals? F.B.I.
Bernie Sanders looks and sounds like the High Sparrow from GoT, but that's an unfair comparison. By next season, Reddit will still remember the High Sparrow.
What do you call a female deer that hangs out outside of a pickle factory? A dill-doe
Why was the road in so much pain? Because it has a carpool tunnel.
What do you call the English Toad Prize giving  cermony ? The Brit Awarts !
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you're dead ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It's better HAVE
Him: You're not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin? Me: HOW DARE Y... Wait, did you just call me darlin
If a Lesbian "Cock-Blocks" another Lesbian.... is that considered a beaver dam?
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fu(ked to achieve it.
"I think I stepped in some upchuck" What's up, Chuck? "Not much, but my name's not Chuck" *vomits*
What do you call it when many people drown in Berlin? A killing Spree.
I just went to poop without my phone & had to entertain myself with a magazine like a god damned caveman.
I was accused of plagiarism... Their words, not mine
Dad can I? A young man went up to his father and asks "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father says "I don't know. Are you any good?"
People ask me why I like the graveyard so much. I dig the graves.
who is better boy or girl Girl: "Girls are better than boys." Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?" Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
What is the one type of person that will never get angry? A nomad.
A man brings some condoms to the cashier... "I thought those were $4.99" said the man "35 cents for the tax" replied the cashier "Oh, I was wondered what kept those things on."
Once I've repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret: I come from a long line of mumblers.
I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.
What game do you play with a gospel choir? Where's Whitey?
Prostitute Pony What did the prostitue pony where on its hooves? Whore shoes. Ok, I'll stop:(
Have you heard the new drink called Sandy? ...It's a watered down Manhattan!
On one hand, I want to stop masturbating but on the other hand, I have my penis...
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? What's up my nigga?!
What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone? BILLY MAYS HERE!
[In line at Starbucks] [Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so- [Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
What do call a 5 person orgy of only black people? A threesome.
"YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER" - salt
Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing? He was striking a happy medium.
Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.
What did Hitler say when he heard that the Allies were winning? AUSCHWITZ!!!
Bras are like the illuminati They're on top, hard to see, harder to unlock, and hold all the good stuff.
How do you start a rave in Africa? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling.
In retrospect, back in my club days I should have recognized there was a reason the beat always sounded like DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE.
What do you call a tea knight? A vigilan-tea
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid "viewer discretion" warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.
Have you ever had a female horse escape from the stables into the forest in the late evening? It's a nightmare.
How do you know Jesus was Jewish? He lived at home until he was 30. He went into his fathers business. He thought his mother was a virgin, and his mother thought he was god.
How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy? With a crowbar.
A man walks into a bar... And slowly alcoholism tears apart his family
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
Why shouldn't you drink Diet Coke after having sex? Because then you'll have TWO aftertastes to get rid of!
Have you met the mushroom man? He's a real fun guy.
The Spanish word of the day is wheelchair. Ex. There's only one donut left, so wheelchair.
I went to see a therapist. I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman." He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me." I said, "No." He said, "You're a woman."
A black man walks into the university
What kind of bell doesn't ring? A dumbbell.
I like my women how I like my exams... Curvy.
Scientists say men think about sex every 8 seconds... ...that's why I can eat a hot-dog in 7
I used to work for Goodyear, but I had to quit... I got too tired.
Like my Uncle always told me, if at first you don't succeed... keep sucking until you do suck seed.
Where do poor noodles live? The spaghetto.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records Until they kicked me out of the library
How does the average Chinese worker find a new job? ChinkedIn.
My grandma was visiting and placed her pills in my cupboard... I asked her, Grandma have you seen the pills I have marked with the letters LSD? She said, No, have you seen that dragon in the kitchen?
I'm a necrophiliac. I like my Heine's cold.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
What did the black pedophile say? "Hey kid, wanna help me snatch some candy?"
Let's say weed does make me dumber. Then you should be thanking me for levelling the playing field.
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  snake about to shed it's skin Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then !
Q: Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? A: Because of all the tellers.
Miles Davis Is 1,6 times longer than his European cousin Kilometers Davis
I never did too good in class tests; because I'd have to show on the board how I got my answers & that would've meant drawing me cheating...
What did the casket say to the sick casket? Are you coffin?
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
I hate scrubbing the floor It's beneath me.
When I was young, sticking my tongue out to someone was like giving them the middle finger.
Yo Mama so Old... She pre-ordered the BIble!
My ex texted "You've got a friend in me. XoXo". I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implant. One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.
Oh you're sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who's sick.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn't tell anyone.
I got arrested for shooting a black man I was charged for trying to impersonate a police officer
Tell my WiFi love her.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I think my girlfriend is being stalked... ...because I've been seeing people behind her back.
*Buys new iPhone* *Crosses road tweeting about it* *Accident* *Dies* *Makes entry in heaven* - Sent via iPhone.
How many Super Sayajins does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it lasts five episodes. And Kuririn dies.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator Only a fraction of you will find this funny
*Now with 50 percent less fat* Me: ooooh *buys two*
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
A blonde in labor walked into a pizza shop because the the delivery was free.
Did you here about the IKEA corporation getting away with having that guy killed? None of the detectives could seem to piece the clues together.
I met a dwarf the other day... He was a pretty average guy; a little mean
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke? When the punchline becomes a parent.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading "blink if you're being held against your will"
Did you hear that funny Amy Schumer joke? Me either.
Your Costco ID photo shows you what you'd look like as a meth addict.
The worst is when someone ceases but they don't desist. That's some bullshit right there. Gotta do those simultaneously and whatnot.
I was paper-thin as a kid. So I got ripped.
If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
Friends are like bricks it's kinda funny when you throw them through a window
What does a catholic eat at the movies? Pope-Corn
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party? I'll be Bach.
A Jewish kid asks his dad for $20 Son: Dad, I need $20 Dad: Son, $20? Why do you need $10? Here's $5
Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than "horsemeat".
Why are baby cows considered lunch meat? Because calves are below-knee
Whenever I hear brick I always yell out "HOUSE!" My friend Alex House hates when I go to his basketball games
I just read that Disney is making a sequel to Bambi. He gets revenge on the hunters that killed his mother. They're calling it....... Bambo
something taste funny you know you have a bad underbite if every time your eating out your girlfriend it taste like shit
It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous.
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on... Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.
Why does the sun never set on the British Empire? Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!
Abortion jokes are never funny. So if you accidentally start forming one, you should terminate it before it comes to fruition.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don't need to keep informing us. We know.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair  at each other.
Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.
A Snowman walks into a bar... ...The Batender gets angry and yells "WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING WEIRD END UP IN MY BAR?"
What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream? The sock under my bed.
What is the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick down a girls throat
Did you hear about the man who got squashed by a tree whist in between two bales? He's Hay Oak Hay now.
Did you know that in Louisiana, a football field goes underwater every hour? Of course, no one there cares until it's an actual football field.
Just seen a Disney trailer. I've just seen a Disney trailer It said, "A new movie from the people that brought you Up." Flipping Heck! I never knew Mum and Dad made films.
I invented a new joke I invented a new word. Plagiarism. EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.
Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle Step 2: Use base as weapon
My Life Thats the joke
What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then the suffering
sweaty palms make for good handjobs and that's the quickest way to turn an interview in your favor
Whats the difference between a dead baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window
How is Christmas just like another day at the office? You do all the work and a fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Why are pizza makers always poor? Because they knead dough to make a living.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
"i wouldnt be caught dead" someone throws a net over my dead corpse "gotcha!!" "noooo"
Did you know the Mods on this sub are actually cows? Evidence listed below. [remooved]
What does a Super Saiyan always put on his sandwich? Ka-Mayomayo
GPS: leftleft againtake another leftur gonna want to take this leftstay left NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I figured out that if I have my kids hold on to my cell phone, I will never forget them anywhere again.
Come to the dark side.... we don't pay our electric bill.
You might think you're smart until you try using someone else's microwave.
What's the difference between a basketball player and a mexican? Nothing, they both run, jump, shoot and steal.
I was casually playing while my teammate wrote "I fucked your mom last night" I replied "no you didn't" Then my dad ran into my room and told me that he indeed did.
HILARY AND THE TRUTH Hilary Clinton saying she is going to tell the truth is like an atheist saying 'God bless you.'
A very attractive woman walked into a bar Asked everyone what they wanted to drink, everyone wanted two liquor
How do drown a hipster? In the main steam
Your Life.
Nothing scares people away like saying something positive on the internet.
A girl said she has seen me in a vegetarian meeting... I told her I have never met herbivore
What is a cannibal's favorite food to eat when he is lazy? Ra-men
What do you call a Polish airplane? A Jet-ski.
Coming out with a hair product line.... For philosophers, religious and introspective types... it's called "The Human Conditioner".
My spirit animal is a tapeworm.
It's nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering "What is your greatest weakness?"
Scientists Say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.. They Forgot to mention Morons..
If you're paddling a canoe up a river and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None, because ice cream doesn't have bones.
Idea for a board game BONOPOLY - Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.
Why were some people not allowed in to the Poet College? Because they were bard.
Have you heard that some bad dogs are running around burning down dog-houses? It's a rash of arfson.
What's the difference between a seagull and a baby? The seagull flits along the shore, the baby shits along the floor.
I checked the thermometer outside. The temperature read "Fcuk this sh1t! Stay in the house!"
For Sale Parachute: Only used once, never opened Small stain
Just saw a black guy in Connecticut. Played it cool, though. Only got my picture taken with him twice.
My fairy godmother asked me if i wanted a long memory or a long penis... I don't remember what I said... ...but I have back problems now.
A mexican walks into a wall, what breaks first? His lawnmower. A jew runs into a wall, what breaks first? His nose.
I saw Casper the ghost. I said, You look pale and drawn.
What's the last thing a stripper does with her asshole before starting her shift? Drops him off at band practice.
Thinking it's a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Why does Starbux call it an Oprah chai? Does it taste like Gayle?
Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy. Feels good till you look down and realize you're gay (Credit to Adam Corolla)
What do you call a man that as sex with his 9 year old wife? The holiest Prophet of Islam.
If only plastic surgeons also sold class.
I work in a bar called Advice. I get really good tips.
Why did the Papal Palace fill up with kittens? Because the Pope was a cat-holic. Eh? Eh?
If I were to make a glory hole... I would make it out of walnut.
Hmm, should I try to rip open this box with my bare hands for 20 minutes, or grab scissors & do it in 4 seconds? *starts peeling at tape*
How many mm^3 of dirt is there in a hole 1m x 1m x 1m? There is no dirt in the hole!
I have Note 7...I have a charger....ugh... Bomb has been planted.
Women are like raincoats. In a box in my attic marked "raincoats."
A black person and a mexican walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve rapists here."
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago] "Useless piece of shit."
Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics? Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly from AIDS. - Jimmy Carr
Did you hear about the guy who went to the convention of legless women? He heard the place was crawling with pussy.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.... I'll get my coat...
I take my wife out everywhere... except that she keeps coming back!
How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But only for procreation.
Bigger Breasts Wife: "How can I make my breasts bigger?" Husband: "Just rub toilet paper between them" Wife: "Why would that work?" Husband: "It worked on your butt"
Its O.K. to laugh during sex ... just don't point !
My grandfather has the heart of a lion And a lifetime ban from the zoo
[skydiving, first jump] INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready? EAGLE: yes. HAWK: check. SPARROW: ready. PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Surprised to learn that famed pornography company American Apparel has entered the clothing business.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough... But it's even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
What does a libertarian apparition say to the cops? "Am I free to ghost?"
When is a door not a door? When it's AJAR!
Looks like someone is stealing our jokes from r/jokes I was sent this by my roomate, http://www.tickld.com/x/the-25-best-two-line-jokes-ever-14-is-priceless What shall we do reddit?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask "Is this Led Zeppelin?"
Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.
Did anyone see the transit of Venus? If so, was it a white one?
I wish there was a show called "Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous" so we could all see how nice your mom's basement is.
So there was this guy who flew so close to the sun he was able to touch it in exactly one spot... ...after that, he was a real tangent.
My New Girlfriend Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend.
Do you speak sign language? No, we sign it.
Finished my first short film. It's a horror/drama that will scare and make you weep. It's basically just footage of me naked.
"Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on
Q: What do you get when offering a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.
Some of my most meaningful relationships started because I was too lazy to leave the room.
Wanna hear a joke? My sense of humour. *waits for laughs *hears crickets Dammit.
How do you get Dick from Richard? I don't know, ask his wife.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital. He finished with a cheerful greeting: -Bye-bye , and hope you get better! -Thanks, you too! replied the patients.
Isn't swallowing semen technically canibalism? I don't know, I just do it for the taste...
Five out of six people agree Russian roulette is completely safe.
What did the skim milk say to the farmer I will never be whole again.
What do you get when you mix birth Control and Lsd? A good trip without kids.
Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook. We get it already. You got laid once.
Scientists have found that the more beautiful a woman is, the higher her husband's income will be, and the more I already hate them both.
Moonwalking away after mugging someone because you're a smooth criminal.
I don't celebrate Valentine's Day ever since I took a girl out for heart shaped pizza and I realized it was smaller than normal pizza.
I saw a naked black man in a tree today He was well hung
What is the gayest food? Indian food. It tears your ass apart :(
What is the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney.
I went to the doctor today and he told me I have a big dick and a small heart... He also told me I was dyslexic.
if you have a cash bar at your wedding you should be embarrassed enough to never show your face in public again
why did the lobster refuse to help anyone else? because he's shellfish
Coworker: That's a stupid song Me: Your face is stupid Coworker: Way to be mature Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!
I asked my hairdresser to take a little bit off. I just really want to see her tits.
A Northern Virginian dies and wakes up in Hell He is surprised that Maryland can wake the dead.
In politics we call it left-wing and right-wing because we are all a part of the same bird. And we are all being told what to do by bird brains.
Reports say Bernie Sanders found on the mossak fonseca leaked list..... .....he tried to hide thirteen bucks and forty-nine cents.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses? Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I like my women like I like my coffee sent back for not being hot enough
I like my women how I like my coffee. Without a penis.
How can you tell between a graphic designer and recruiter? Ask them to pronounce "hires"
What did the mom say when she found out her son was going to be a evil spy? Abort mission!
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job? Me: Because being broke and homeless didn't really call out to me.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? A: I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass. (I'm sorry, this joke was mentioned on How I Met Your Mother and I can't stop laughing since)
I think my dog is gay because he wags his tail every time I suck his dick.
If you love someone... Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you'll have them FOREVER! *looks out window & smiles*
What do gay crows eat? Cawk!
Why do the Lannisters have such a big bed? They pushed two twins together and made a king.
For fathers day, I bought my dad a $100 gift card to the Apple Store... He said "Thanks for the phone charger, son."
Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.
Imagine me riding a bike. Wrong. There's no seat.
I'll pay extra for the hairdresser comfortable with silence.
"It's Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!" Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. " I'm not doing butt stuff, Adam."
Athene Kappa
"Alex is visiting later tonight." Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing? [From the moon] It's not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I thought I was electrocuted. But in a shocking twist, I survived. . . . Try the Veal.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said Copy' the other Paste'. That made my day.
I wish people would stop asking me where I see myself in 5 years.. I don't have 2020 vision.
What type of writing is the most profitable? A ransom note.
What's the difference between Mike Jones and Michael Jordan? Mike Jones is Still Tippin'.
What do you get... When you donkey eats my roosters 2 feet? 2 feet of my cock in your ass!
Last night for Halloween, I saw exactly 12 people dressed like Eleven. I know this because after the 9th 11, I swore I'd never forget.
Appearing to be productive at work requires more effort than actually being productive.
Poker is like sex... If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do you call a cow that fell in a hole? A hole-y Cow!
When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself "Is This Textable?"
How did the guy with a foot fetish ruin his date with an amputee? He got off on the wrong foot
Today I fucked up... by being a power bottom
Why can't you tell a joke in a cornfield? Because the stalks are all ears.
People say the World Cup in Qatar is a bad thing... But when it's all over they're going to have some great stadiums to behead women in...
I'm building an exercise machine for Ray and Dave Davies. I'm still working out the kinks.
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
What happens when a lawyer becomes the leader of communities? [deleted]
In light of Eid Mubarak, here's one... *Mary had a little lamb ... Now she doesn't!* *Eid Mubarak :)*
Somewhere in Africa... a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe's poker table you're too mature for me.
Hey, Christianity- what's all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don't. Because sex. Also? More sex.
For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid. Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted
where does saddam hussein keep his c.d collection? In Iraq (a rack)
the year is 2017: every kfc location has a large shower room installed inside the building to wash away the customers greasy post-meal shame
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Light travels faster than sound This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? A blow up doll!
What's Quentin Tarantino's favorite Christmas Carol? Django Bells. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!
I recently switched from Wells Fargo to a credit union... ...my banking got much simpler - bye all accounts.
Whats the difference between an arts degree and a large pizza A large pizza can feed a family of 4
What did the goat say to his friend after he cut his arm? I'm bleating all over the place!
The thing that frightens me the most about being brutally murdered is having Nancy Grace screeching about the details of it on primetime tv.
Why didn't the rock make it to work today? He was stoned
I like my women like I like my Africa Undeveloped
What do you call an injured Confederate soldier that can't find a medic? A rebel without a gauze.
It's hard to tweet and change the baby's diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Do u know why all the pills are white colored? Because they work
I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex.. He's a small arms dealer.
John and Nancy sitting in a tree, H-I-D-I-N-G-F-R-O-M-T-H-E-L-O-C-A-L-A-U-T-H-O-R-I-T-I-E-S-B-E-C-A-U-S-E-T-H-E-Y-K-I-L-L-E-D-A-D-O-G
Conan refuses to accept a 12:05 Tonight Show. NBC says he can't leave. I'm just waiting for Obama to say Leno is a "jackass".
What's cooler than being cool? Being 0K.
What's grey stands in a river when it  rains and doesn't get wet ? An elephant with an umbrella !
I go to seafood restaurants to show the lobsters in the tank I have a bigger penis than them. Then shrug my shoulders as they boil to death.
I've read Plumbing for idiots' twice and I still haven't got a clue what I'm doing. I guess it's going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
[whispering to date while watching Disney's Three Little Pigs in 1933] This is taking my mind off The Great Depression
Policeman: What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour? Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an  accident.
Why is Florida not an island?? Because Georgia sucks...
Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.
What do Albanian kids want to be when they grow up? Italian
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A Crane.
Why do bears poop in the woods? So nobody will see their bare (bear) bottom!
Knock Knock Who's there ! China ! China who? China late isn't it? !
Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.
I think the sun shouldn't come up until at least noon on Saturdays.
I'm so tired of hearing people complain about being hung over. Just stop your wining.
And for his much awaited stunt, Ku Klux Knievel will attempt to jump 50 bIack kids with a steamroller.
Damn girl are you a Reddit trend? Because I just want to fit in..
I used to have a Russian friend who was a terrible driver... He was stalin
I like my women how I like my coffee Black, bitter, preferably fair trade
Uncle Robert was talking to his nephew Jimmy "Uncle Bobby, how did you become my uncle?" "Well Jimmy, your parents went wham-bam and now Bob's your uncle."
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Why didn't the shepard cut off his sheep's wool? Shear laziness.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Clothes are such a fraught gift because it's like: "Here's the size and shape I think you are and so how I think you should style yourself!"
"Dad can you write in the dark?" "I think so. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card."
W.I.F.E  Will Investigate & Find out Everything
What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Old Soviet-era joke told in Russia: What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Nothing at first, but then the sand shortages will start.
Turns out, humans aren't the only ones who have trouble with homonyms. My dog keeps saying "rough" instead of "ruff".
I've Noticed Bernie Sanders is Wearing a Ballcap Now at his Rallies. If he wants to invigorate his base shouldn't he be wearing a trilby?
I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.
If I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please don't ask me if I want a tour.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Nice try "blocked number", but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.
What is Siri really good at? Playing pocket pool.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.. .. he said he couldn't complain.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose!
A baker's gotta work- to put bread on the table.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
So this guy comes in a smokeshop. No wait! A horse! So this guy comes in a horse
how do I tell my boss I don't want to do work anymore but still want money
What did the collage artist say to her assistant? Looks like I got my work cut out for me.
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!
"As someone who has shown an interest in vacuums," the email from Amazon said, unsubscribedly.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
What overalls does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
Do you know why Apple steals all their ideas? Cause when they make their own I lose my headphones.
How do you get Dick from Richard? Buy him dinner first.
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex... Yes, three times in 35 years" -Bob Monkhouse
I don't bite the hand that feeds me. I lightly suck the thumb.
I like my Reddit posts like I like my internet search history [deleted]
Why did Hitler commit suicide ? He got freaked out when he received the gas bill.
I was walking downtown and saw a sign with a pig and a dog. It said "why love one and eat the other?" I thought to myself "they have a point. I should start eating dogs."
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feels so good.
How does one enter a brothel in Westeros? Through the Hodor
There's 10 kind of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.
How do you cut a turd into 5 pieces? Squish it in your hand.
I'm rubber. You're glue. He's glitter. She's decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
So a guy goes to a bratwurst convention... So a guy goes to a bratwurst convention hoping to pick up some chicks. He went home alone though; the place was a total sausage fest.
What do you call a gay guy who gives blowjobs? A butt-head
The hardest thing about being a pedophile Is trying to fit in
Why do SJWs hate cannibals? They're always man-spreading on their sandwiches.
I was eating an orange this morning, but it tasted funny... so I put it back in the crayon box!
You know, Latino jokes are pretty much the same as Black jokes. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jammal
The least offensive joke ever. The french military.
where did Mary go after the explosion?! EVERYWHERE!
Just a reminder: Don't forget to check under your bed for Carrot Top every night!
tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead
Women and not being attractive If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
what does god light his cigarettes with? a match made in heaven .-.
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do? Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly. "Oh damn, shots fired!" But not by the pizza guy.
Marriage tips 1. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate bedrooms 3. Separate homes 4. Separate dates w/other ppl 5. 6. Don't get married
If all humans held hands around the equator of Earth A significant amount of then would probably drown.
Why does Cuba not have any casinos? They Havana no money to spend.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The first Jewish President is being sworn in His mother is in the audience, she turns to the man sitting beside her and says "See my son up there? Well, his brother is a doctor!"
The best way to eat a salad is to order a pizza instead.
What do you call a homosexual black male? Spear Sucker !
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. "Cool, where'd you get that?" says the bartender. "Africa", replies the parrot. "They're all over the place."
What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes? A dumb bunny.
Two muffins are baking in the oven One muffin looks at the other and says, "It's getting pretty hot in here". The other muffin replies, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"!
Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a child? Well he is back in town and wants you to give him a call.
Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity. Me : Yeah it runs in my family. Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.
The doorbell rings... A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step. She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?" The man says, "Sure you can." And shuts the door.
I'm so sorry but what is a fedora wearer's favourite part in music? Me'lody
I met a girl with twelve nipples... Sounds funny, dozen tit.
How does Ellen DeGeneres fire an arrow? With her Les-bow.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... ... So he gives it to her!
You can't spell success without succ... But you'd probably get neither to be honest
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister's jaw in.
The five senses are touch, smell, sight, hearing, and..... It's on the tip of my tongue...
[Date Night] I poured us a bubble bath. Him: *sigh* is it Sprite again? *sipping seductively from tub with a krazy straw*: Just get in.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? nnHe replied....chicken.nnnThank god he is good looking.
I almost killed my whole family last night, but eventually chose not to let my wife drive.
My yoga teacher is awesome. She really bends over backwards.
John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I? Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you don't. Edit: double enter
You're like a prize winning fish. I don't know whether to eat you or mount you.
You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard alcohol complain.
Goodnight computer *instantly grabs phone*
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Rubber-Toe! (Roberto)
My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats. I guess I should really get off Tumblr
you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Rorschach has some nice paintings I'm just confused why they are all pictures of my penis
What does a Jewish Princess think about during sex? What color to paint the ceiling.
What does grandma's crotch smell like? Depends
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you're spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Really?? EVERYBODY was Kung Fu fighting? Seems kind of implausible...
Tory Spelling walks into a bar The barman asks, "Why the long face?"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ? Baby love my baby love.... !
Fridge and a Gay Guy What's the difference between a fridge and a gay guy? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport
Most people have 32 teeth, some have 10... It's simple meth.
What do you call a rapper who masterbates a lot? Lil Wayne-ker
My son asked today: Why the dude's ear is blinking blue? Because he has a blue tooth in his ear...
What do you call someone with two noses? No one nose.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez... the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
For his birthday the monster asked for a  heavy sweater. So they gave him a sumo wrestler!
Why did the chickens cross the road? I had to get back to my car from KFC
Women have more than one connection to lungs. If you put a finger inside the vagina it feels like suffocating to them.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
A feminist grammar-nazi's favourite joke (NOT a mean joke) A woman without her man is nothing! "Wait, that's not quite right!" A woman; without her, man is nothing!
I didn't believe my friend when he told me who the Canadian Prime Minister was... turns out it was Trudeau.
So a termite walks into a bar... And asks, hey, is the bartender?
Knock Knock, Who's there Jesus, Jesus who, You haven't heard the good word of the Lord, I have some wonderful pamphlets to show you to the ways of God
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don't trust ChristianMingle.
Did you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? Neither did I.
While in prison, I asked the Calvinist, "Why did you kill your family?" He answered, "I had to know."
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let's see where this goes
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch.
I've got my ion you, baby!
How does a Jew make his coffee? Hebrews it.
why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? to get to the bottom!
People who remote lock their car 2 times seriously have trust issues. Personally, I do it 3 times but that's just my OCD.
A hotel just offered me a job making beds. I think I'll turn them down.
What did EA give Sean Murray for a parting gift upon leaving EA? Game dev lessons.
I just got arrested for playing chess in the middle of the road It's because I'm black, isn't it.
The Wikipedia's list of rape victims is incomplete... But don't worry! You can help by expanding it!
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands. They don't give a fork.
"Honey, I'm pregnant" "Hello Pregnant", he whispers, tears of joy in his eyes. "I'm Dad"
My boss caught me sleeping on the job and told me to clean out my desk as if he didn't just see how lazy I am.
What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead? A Lou-ouija board.
What's worse than a dead muskrat under your piano? A diseased beaver on your organ.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
My last name is Zilla.
I like my pick-up lines how I like my cheetos Dangerously Cheesy
Worst joke I know. How do you make a 5 year old cry twice? Wipe your bloody dick on their favorite teddybear.
A joke for the cerebral...What do you call it when a bunch of crows agree to meet later? Premeditated murder.
"Hell no!" A man and woman are riding up in an elevator. The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies, "Hell no!" The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."
Apparently today is coming out day in Chile.
Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but.... At least we can say, "Hey dad" and "Thanks for the warning officer."
If your girl says "Hey guess what!" you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
I just don't understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Stay in school kids.
Polish bank robber tied up the safe, blew the guard.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a scorpion
Yelling "you're not my real ladder!" at your step ladder.
What's the difference between me and a calendar? the 14th of february the calendar will have a date.
I've got washboard abs. But unfortunately there is a load of laundry sitting on the washboard.
A bear walks up to a rabbit and asks "Do you have a problem with shit getting stuck in your fur?" Asks BEAR. The rabbit looked taken back, "Uhh, No" So the bear wiped his ass on the rabbit.
Friends are like balloons; if you stab them, they die.
There should be an MtF superhero group. They would be the Ex-Men.
What is it exactly that separates man from animal? Divorce
The Nathan's hot dog eating contest should contain one poisoned hot dog mixed in with the other hot dogs
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."
How does a penguin keep itself hydrated? His waddle bottle.
What's Hitler's favorite juice? Apple juice, you racist bastards.
I tried kombucha for the first time the other day. It made me feel very cultured.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER* **LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Overworked Employee in India
"Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?" Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If I were Zorro, I'd hand out business cards with a Z on them. That way I wouldn't have to take my sword everywhere.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Did you hear about the schizophrenic accounts manager? He couldn't help but hear invoices inside his head.
Why is Time a whore? Because she fucks everybody.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar... And the bartender goes "why the long face"
What is long, hard and has cum in it.....? A cucumber
"Baby, I'm gonna make you mine." - sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
What fruit worries teenagers the most? A promegranate.
My last relationship was a Forest Gump I was retarded and she was a whore
Fun fact: the person who said "If you love something let it go" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
What did the guy without hands get for christmas? We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet
How do you say goodbye to German cheese? Velveetazane
It's so cold outside my nipples just typed this status.
A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine... The solar panel says, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?" The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."
The irony of war is that The ones who are right are the ones left.
why cant you hear a pterodactyl go pee? Dinosaurs are extinct
Are you in a serious relationship with a rock? If you are, don't take it for granite
Me: "Breath mint?" Her: "Sure." M: "Don't mean to offend." H: "None taken." M: "Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?"
How many ants does it take to own an apartment? 10 . It requires tenants to own an apartment.
*professes my undying love to my microwave* *microwave sets itself on fire*
"Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?" - oscillating fans
Why did the painter from Boston have trouble making friends? He was way too autistic for his own good.
What do people store their fondest memories in? A nostaljar.
Why do parents feel the need to hold your phone when you show them a picture?
Why do scientists look for things twice? Because they re-search everything.
How do you get four old ladies to say the F word? Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it. For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said... "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?" I said, "What are the options?" She said, "Yes and No."
BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I'm stuck in a tree
Never! And i mean never! say the word "Bnag" It's bang out of order.
A man tells his wife...... Husband: Hey, you and I should make a sex tape! For the future! Wife: Ehhhhh........ It'd be more like a vine.
What do a good bar and a woman have in common? Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
A man speaks with his daughter. Father : Well, you fuck way better than your mother. Daughter : I know, my brothers told me!
I can't find a joke that was on here today now I'll have to wait a few minutes until it's posted again.
Do you know what Twitter is? It's the spot between your twat and shitter.
Reddit servers
"So what kind of work do you do?" "I move cows" "Oh , so you're a rancher?" "Not really , I'm a zumba instructor"
I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.
Have you heard of the new resturant on the moon? Great food...but no atmosphere.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I've realised my works is like a gang rape... a bunch of dicks clustered around the cunt that's got no idea of what's gonna happen!
Some of my friends are doctors and human rights activists and I just spent the last 22 minutes trying to open a pistachio.
Boss rips employees balls with a hook for being late to work. He was giving him the sack.
There are three flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy? It's the one on the range.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I'd probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world's deadliest snakes ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
99 problems. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Problems solved.
just taught my 3yo to sing "if you're happy and you've no wit, clap your hands" and then laugh at the people clapping
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space ? He wanted to find Pluto !
A chickpea goes to a liberal arts college... What's its major? Falafelphy
Government - 'Um, we're having big issues with tax evasion. People are stashing away notes with large denominations.' Modi: 'Have you tried turning them off and and on again?'
I've been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy.
I'm in a constant battle between wanting a hot body and wanting a hot fudge sundae.
If a tomato gets put in a coma for being gay is it a fruit or a vegetable? ...its a hate crime
My aunt used to say "slow and steady wins the race" she died in a fire
Today a three-year-old child who I've never met before told me to shut up, and I wasn't even talking.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.
A dwarf once walked into a brothel... with a honeycomb and a jackass; the madam says,..
I visited Canada and got an STD Hepatitis A.
Two law students walked into a Bar. And realized it was all a lie.
What do you call an Asian who is always on time? Thai Mingh Ha. Ha. Ha.
What was a tramp stamp in the 19th century? A slattern pattern
Why are Japanese people so good at judo? You can't ippon a Nippon.
What do you call a Cuban on the moon? A Castronaut.
drinking game: take a shot every time the futility of your existence depresses you
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff BA-DUMM-TSS
Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away  ? Because it had a hole in the middle.
So a developer walks into a var ..that's all I got
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
Hillary Clinton could be become our first F president. I'd say female, but she lost the email.
In a new study women with large asses live longer.........the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives
After years of poor yields, Old McDonald will have to sell his farm... ... to cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
Light beer... It's like.. Eating out your sister.. -it tastes the same but it's just not right!
Dear Boyz II Men, please change your name to Men II Old Men.
Q: What do you call the hair of a centaur? A: Humane.
My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don't believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Gangstas Why do gangsters turn their guns to the side? So their hats are right side up when they go to aim.
A wizard who likes to give zombies hickies is.. a neckromancer.
Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
My ex-girlfriend is like a chocolate She killed my dog
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Did you hear about the guy who wandered into a vampires-only bar? He got drunk.
Why does an inspiring sight like a sunrise always have to take place at such an inconvenient time?
I'm friend with 25 letter of the alphabet... I don't know why... -Chris Turner
"Hey." "Hey." "What's up?" "Nothing." END OF CONVERSATION.
How does a mathematician solve his constipation problem? He works it out with a pencil!    = 
I like my women like I like my whiskey.. Inanimate.
Recognize an old gay How can you recognize an worn out gay guy ? When you pat him on the shoulder, he shits his pants.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I bought my Nan a stairlift the other day... She said it drives her up the fucking wall.
All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?
What did the student say to his math teacher after his dog ate part of his homework? I got 99 problems, but a bitch ate one.
Shout out to all the frozen desserts out there. Step to me with a dessert that ain't frozen and I'll snap your damn face off
A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish When the cook walks in and says "STOP WASTING MY THYME"
A website where low life fat virgins go. www.reddit.com
What goes down and never comes up My ego
A joke from my 5 year old brother... Q: What has four legs but doesn't move? A: A statue of a dog!
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"
A skeleton walked into a pub... I'll have a pint and mop.
I was walking by a park and some Koreans asked if my friend and I wanted to join their game. They were short people.
"I'm so stoked!" -An excited fireplace
What do you call a documentary on Nuns? Virgin Media.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Someone just asked me if I liked Eminem... I told them that I did, but that I prefer Skittles.
What's the difference between my jokes and my penis? Girls don't laugh at my jokes.
What has four letters, but a long sentence? Rape.
If the T-Rex had arms that were long enough to hug, they probably wouldn't have been so mean.
I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe's.
Getting gilded is like losing your virginity I have yet to experience it... Edit: Thank you, abcriminal, for the gold. It was a worthy experience.
One time I was holding this little girl's hand walking through the woods at night. She said: "I'm scared!" I said:" Well then how do you think I feel? I gotta walk back alone!"
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Sometimes when I give money to homeless people, bystanders shout "Why bother? They're only going to buy drugs or alcohol with it!"... oh, like I wasn't?!
Did you hear about the man who burnt down a field full of beans? He really razed some pulses.
What would you call Jesus if he was born in Mexico? The Chosen Juan.
Americans think of Canada as a United States cover band.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions? ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow? PILOT: Yes it's how most of you will die. Next?
What do you call a punchline that makes no sense? A Bobbitt
want to know why i didnt have sex last night? The roofie didn't work.
I saw a bumper sticker today..... I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "My child has more chromosomes than yours (:" .....what a retarded sense of humor
What do you call a dinosaur who knows how to please its woman? A Lickalottapus
Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
A skeleton goes into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
Why is flour retarded? Because it's in-bread.
If at first you don't succeed, then you will have alerted them to your presence. It is important that you at first succeed.
What do two horny astronauts do in the orbiting satellite? (NSFW) They Fuck Around
Thinking about becoming a cop just so I have an excuse for being out of shape, lazy and a racist.
Visiting dad on his death bed... [Visiting father on death bed] "Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. " *Dad struggling to talk* "Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad."
Do you play volleyball? Because you look like your good on ur knees!
What "c word" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any? Carpaltunnel
Russian joke A bear is walking through the forest when he sees a car on fire. The bear gets into it and burns to death.
What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis? A Man.
What's the most positive thing in Africa? HIV
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
Did you hear about the hispanic that's been stealing all the trains? I heard he has some loco motives. (Locomotives)
Why is Santa Clause always so Jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Which chocolate stops dogs hair falling out? Malteasers
To get to the other side
If Hitler were a black supremacist English teacher what would the Holocaust be called? White-out.
How Long Does It Take A Black Woman To Take A Dump? 9 months.
"I'm all up for sex with handcuffs..." "...I just think a little warning would have been nice, Officer."
So I was sentenced to death by hanging... but my execution is being suspended temporarily.
What's a Muslim soccer player's favorite way to move the ball? A. Kicking. B. Heading. C. Kneeing?
What do you call a class for dumb gingers? Speckle-ed.
Why doesn't Sean Connery have any grown up children? He prefers them shaken, not stirred.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.
what's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck
My Grandad invented the roller coaster. But the cups just slide off the coffee table.
How do you know Mexicans and African Americans are similar?? Once you know Juan you know Jamal
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get support, people will think we're nuts.
How do you get garbanzo breath? Have a chickpea in your mouth
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you "doll face," I was referring to Chucky.
Wife: Are you even listening to me? Me: Of course W: Oh yeah, what did I say? M: [smoke bomb] W: I can still see you M: [Another smoke bomb]
I asked my teacher what I had to do to pass the course. He said to get 50% on the exam and give him a blowjob But I don't think I got 50% on the exam
Your eyes are like the stars Not because their beautiful, but because their so far apart
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipes his butt
Hear about the kidnapping at school? Don't worry he woke up
I really like my eggs over-easy. Today, I was gonna try them scrambled... ...but it's not worth the whisk.
How much space does the EU have left? 1GB
Why can't a Pirate make it through their ABC's? They always get lost at C.
I like my coffee the way I like my women... Anyway I can get them.
[Date] (don't let her know you're an alien larva) Her: I wonder where he is? *I burst through her chest* Me: Did you order yet? I'm starved
Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. "Biff"?? "Happy"?? Dude, take five more minutes.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought "damn magic is dope as hell." #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
"Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?" -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
What do you call a gay New Zealander? A Kiwi Fruit.
1.Open Facebook 2.Search for a pic with 4 girls 3.Coment: "You 3 look so pretty!" 4.Enjoy
that's one of the last straws. I'm going to throw a small tantrum, then continue putting up with both this bullshit and all future bullshit.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster? "I'M BREADY TO DIE"
All I said is that I didn't know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
The easiest way to a man's heart? It's between the fourth and fifth ribs
Two deer were leaving a gay bar One said to the other, "man, I can't believe a blew thirty bucks in their"
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don't know how to help him.
She told me she'd do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Please keep the Christ in Christmas, because HalloChristween would just be weird.
I found out the prostitute I picked up was a dude in drag. I decided I didn't want the trans action.
So a blind man walks into a fish market... When he gets in he stops takes a big ol wiff and says,"Good morning ladies!"
Never bring a toasted sandwich to a senior's gym Or else you're going to have 40 people thinking they're having a stroke.
The iron vein ran out... It was only a minor issue though.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it's too bad we aren't on the same team date: yeah
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards? a receding hare line
This is not a joke
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Signs that your wife is cheating on you: 1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual 2. Acting distant 3. Sleeping with another dude
What do you call a happy wizard? Optimystical
What do you call a PED for bears? Polaroids.
When life gives you lemons Chances are you are high on LSD
It's impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.
QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful  figure? ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.
A mitochondrian walks into a bar and asks for a cup of energy. The barman says "that'll be ATP"
There are two types of people in life Those that pee in the shower And Liars!
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone  know any good porn sites?
Men are like high heels.  They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
If the liquor store didn't want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
My Jewish friend told me about Krav Maga.... To which I replied "is that some sort of a legal term?"
I'm not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I thought more people would laugh at my candy joke... But all I heard was a few snickers.
I quit smoking cold turkey. I now let it sit at room temperature for 30 minutes first.
True Love Man: I want to share everything with you, my love. Woman: Let's start with your bank account.
My orgasm face is pretty much the same as my looking-over-my-shoulder-while-backing-up-the-car face.
What do they say in vegetable church? Lettuce pray.
What's the definition of a masochist with necrobeastiality tendencies? Someone who literally gets off beating a dead horse.
Are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
What does a ghost pick out of his nose? Boo-gers
How do you tell a lonely geologist from a social one? The lonely one dated igneous rocks!
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one...but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
How do Japanese Chihuahuas say hello? Konichihuahua.
What surfs the Internet and goes 'Choo Choo'? Thomas the Search Engine.
If the Jews are God's chosen people, then why did God bother creating gentiles? Well, someone has to pay retail.
Gabe Newell! Gabe Newell lived from 1962 until Half-Life 3, confirmed!
What do you call a centaur that works as a prostitute? A whorse.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I can just about tolerate pens... ...but I have to say I draw a line with pencils.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon.
Donald Trump has just announced his candidacy for president Sorry for putting the punchline in the title.
Yo momma's so mean she has no standard deviation
Why is the north pole of a magnet red? Because they don't have seals on the south pole Takes a while to get, but it's worth it in the end.
There were rumours about someone who gassed a total of 6 million cows In other news, the government was finally able to meet the demand of Anne Frankfurters
What's a martini's favorite garnish? Olive 'em!
Damn girl, are you Obama? Cuz you know all my passwords, look through my phone, and spend my money on useless shit!
I got a notice that a sex offender just moved in nearby and I'm worried for my children... So I got them all pedometers.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot
Can February March? Don't know but April May...
Why does Jesus perform miracles on quadriplegics? He can't fuckin stand 'em.
Why don't Muslims fill out online forms? Because they refuse to Submit to anyone but Allah.
What's the worst time of the year for the Slinkies factory? Spring break. BA DUM TISS
When you see geese flying in V formation, have you ever noticed that one side of the V is longer than the other? Well, there's a reason for that. There are more geese on that side.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn't looking, I did.
I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane They told me the risk was too big.
Who has scene a dinosaur? No one! They're extinct!
Outbreak - New Strain of Bird Flu Discovered!!! It's called Chirpies. It's a Canarial Disease. It's Untweetable.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
What happens when your friend from Prague topples over? You right a Czech.
What do you call an Asian wearing contacts? Customization. GET IT?? CUSTOM EYES ASIAN!!!
What's a Trump supporter's favorite topic? Hillary Clinton.
For women, perky breasts will one day be a distant mammary.
"WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE THE INTERNET" - fun thing I yell at my kids
There are only two types of news: Real news and faux news.
Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes :(
What did the anti-vaccer say to her son? I miss you.
What is the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until you are 13 to come on your face.
When a girl doesn't invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it's because she's a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.
What does a drill with a dildo attached to the end and watching golf have in common? They both bore the fuck out of you!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
After record breaking single day sales at Chic-Fil-a amid the same sex controversy today CEO of Jack in the Box Ted Fuller said he "hates Jews and Mexicans."
Did you hear about the new group my mom's in? D.A.M. (Moms against dyslexia)
I got a computer for my wife today. Best trade I ever made.
Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows."
Why couldn't the joke walk? It was lame. (I think this is an original by me)
I only make mistakes when I'm around people who are observant.
LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don't even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It's so sweet
Why is a miscarriage like a shitty pizza? They're both cold upon delivery.
What did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall? Dam!
I wanted to make a "two drums and a cymbal fall off of a cliff" joke, but um... ...tsh.
What is a pigs favourite ballet? Swine Lake!
I did a theatrical performance on puns once... It was a play on words!!! Ba-dum-Ching!! (I'll let myself out now)
"OK, they just have to air three more televised singing competitions and then... it's time." -Mayans
I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
What did Courtney Love say to Kurt Kobain after finding out he cheated on her? *"I'll give you one more shot"*
What's red, white, and black all over? An American plantation.
Q: What is the basement where White House  staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.
How does every racist joke begin? With a look over the shoulder.
Why do chat fail always look fake Because they are
Everyone's talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
What did the light bulb say to the switch? "You turn me on."
Next year is going to be directed by Hideaki Anno... It'll be 2015+1
*The most messed up jokes you know* I'll start: What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.
Told my wife that the doctor thinks I have irritable vowel syndrome. She said, "I think you mean 'bowel'." I said, "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
How was copper wire invented? Someone threw a penny between two jews
My wife asked me where I would like to be buried....... Apparently, " Balls deep in your sister " wasn't the anewer she was expecting.
Where do german parents send their ADD kids? Concentration Camps
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don't get her a bathroom scale. Nope.
Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even
What happens when a plant is sad? The other plants have to photosympathize with it
A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend  Grace.
My father never told me why he removed the last page of my comics. I drew my own conclusions.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.
There is one thing that can turn a guy into a perfect chick-magnet. It's when he finds himself a girlfriend.
What do you call a hot guy , who instantly becomes super hot? Sick, he definitely has fever.
what did one mexican mouse say to the other mexican mouse? nacho cheese!!
Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of omega 3 tablets the other day. It's OK, it was just a super fish oil wound
McDonald's burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
If burglars broke into my apt, they'd look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says 'get yourself some shit!'
Pool Went for a swim in one of those infinity pools earlier...couldn't finish a length :-(
My father just texted that he's been kicked off the roof of a Cleveland casino for grilling hotdogs, if you ever wondered why I am this way.
Why is a lobster similar to a Asian under a steamroller? They are both crushed-asians
Why was the dolphin keeper depressed? Because he had no porpoise.
"What'd you do this weekend?" I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino?" *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Garbage men have Hefty contracts.
How many literalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
[NASA press conf] "good news: we found a cat on Mars" REPORTER: & the bad news? "[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it's sleeping"
I didn't want to believe my flatmate was stealing from his job as highway maintenance ...but when I got home all the signs were there.
How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb? One to put in the new one, and two to sing about how good the old one was.
Did you ever blow bubbles as as child? Yeh well he's back in town and wants your new number.
I'm human, but I never got to go to space. Dogs and monkeys *aren't human, but they did. That's the gist of my lawsuit against NASA.
How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5/7
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don't fly. PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance* ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Turned on TV and heard people talking about grinding, pumping & hole filling. Sadly, it was just CNN.
What's a German Ninja drink beer out of? A clandestein.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days. My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don't show weakness. eat all of it
I wanted to play Goat Simulator... ...but my PC doesn't have enough RAM.
My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup .... Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund
A penis lives a sad life.. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, neighbor is an asshole, best friend is a pussy and owner beats him.
A science major says "What's it made of?" An engineering major says "How is it made?" An arts major says... "Would you like fries with that?"
I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone... now its Hans free
What's yellow and flashes? A banana with a loose connection.
The real reason humans have two hands? Two boobs.
So a naked man is jumping... qp db qp db qp db qp db qp db qp
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
NEXT APOLOGY I'M WAITING FOR PAULA DEEN TO APOLOGIZE FOR HER FAMILY STARTING THE CIVIL WAR
TIL the first commodity traded across the USA was jaweia. Lewis and Clark brought a sack of it with them on their expedition to the Pacific coast.
Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
What's the difference between a drummer in a rock'n'roll band and an extra large pizza? The extra large pizza can feed a family of four.
So this guy is on a date with this hot chick, after a while, weird sh*t starts happening...
Why did the music teacher get arrested So Doe Mi
Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens? The SALT talks!
If I ever have two sons, I'll name one Penn and the other Sword, then make them wrestle a lot just to see if it's true.
Donald Trump is already generating millions of the new jobs in America! Thanks to him, protesting is now considered a full time job!
NSFW why did the redneck cross the road...? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
What does Morpheus seek for paper cuts? Neosporin.
These boots. Were made. For Walken.
People say that sex ed classes in America are uncomfortable. But I think that history classes in Germany are worse. "Hey kids, you'll never guess what your grandparents did..."
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven? Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
My Dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire" That's probably the reason they threw him out of the fire brigade.
Why are Ice Cream Truck music so loud ? NSFW To muffle the sound of the captive kids that are held captive
A Blonde on her way to Disneyland... ...saw a sign that said "Disneyland, Left", so she turned around and went home.
My nan's star sign is cancer. It's pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten by a giant crab.
Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
Where do cats go to vacation? Meowi
LPT: If you're in public and you need to fart Don't hold it in, because it'll go to your brain and that's where shitty ideas come from.
If I heard the person in charge of autocorrect on iPhones was that kid who fainted during the 2004 National Spelling Bee, I'd believe it.
Where did Hitler send his Oranges? The concentration camps.
How do French psychologists like their beverages? froid
Wife: how was the doctor? Me: bad I'm dying Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
"Hey, careful with that iPod, man, that was expensive." "So? You didn't pay for it." And that's how my kid learned the truth about Santa.
Why is the new OS from Microsoft called Windows 10? Because 7 ate 9.
Did you hear about the two lesbians that built a house? It was all tongue in groove Not a stud in sight
What do you call a gust of wind that blows a black guy off of a boat? The NBA draft
How do you organize a space party? You planet, i'll leave now
Why Was Vista Afraid of Seven? Cause seven eight ten.
God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people [creates Twitter]
A man goes into a library asking for a book on suicide... The librarian says "F*** off, you won't bring it back."
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno....dos....*poof*" He disappeared without a tres
How do fish go into business ? The start on a small scale !
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Al Gore started his own band! They call themselves The Algorythms
whats the best part about sleeping with twenty-seven year olds? There are twenty of them
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ? Because the poor didn't have any !
How do you spot a blind guy in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Did you hear about the couple who accidentally confused window putty with personal lubricant? All their windows fell out.
Error: We only accept Word files (.doc or .docx) It is 2014 and we just plain dont know how to open a pdf. it is too hard
Best Black Friday Deal Trump selling out all his supporters at 70% off
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
What did hitler say when the jews escaped aw shwitz!
What do you get if you cross a dog with a  blind mole ? A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree !
What happens to a person when they move out of Asia? They become dis-oriented!
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.
If I can, and you can why Clark Kent?
What's Mr. Ts chain made out of? Fools gold
I tried to have a conversation with a rock. It was hard.
I'm always hard at work. But Human Resources keeps telling me that it's extremely inappropriate to have erections at the office.
Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social  exclusion.
They're not called "butt hole mirrors." They're called "hand mirrors," according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Knock knock. Who's there? App App who? Welcome to the quickee mart
Is your business interested in reaching a larger and wider audience? Pm me for my ex wife's email address
I'm already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Meatloaf collapses on stage... ...due to dehydration. Changing name to Beef Jerky.
Hey guys quick question, can you put a pin back in a grenade? Gonna need a fast answer for this one...
California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a  drink.
Your Google search history is the real you.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[OC] Did you hear about this new restaurant they're opening called The Glory Hole? ...Yeah, it's a real hole in the wall.
I've just been to the hospital where the doctor told me my DNA was backwards. And?
Finally, GOOGLE will be firmly AHEAD of APPLE... ...ALPHABETICALLY :)
How does a black chick know she's pregnant? The cotton from the tampon has been picked.
I told my husband he really should stop masturbating. "Why?", he asked "Because you're making this dinner party REALLY uncomfortable for our guests."
How does a sociopath say goodbye? Manip-ya-later!
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the rooster's insistence that he knows what's best for both of their bodies?
What is a group of Pedophiles called? A conclave!
A man walks into a bar "Ouch!!!", he says.
Spoiler alert! The milk's got 1 day left
My buddy purchased a book called "Double Your Dating" So I asked him if he could multiply 0 X 2.
when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I'll close my eyes and pretend he's either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height
No matter how you behave with people around you. They will love you according to their NEED and MOOD
What do you call a female lumberjack? A lumberjill
What did 0 say to 8 ? Nice belt
Abacus Just received my new Chinese abacus. It's poorly made. I can't count on it
What did the asshole doorman say to the dick patron? You aint slick enough to slip right in!
[Interview] "Why'd you leave ur last job?" My boss felt threatened by me [Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
IF all women are crazy... Then... You might as well pick a pretty one.
My wife and I only smoke after sex; I've had the same pack since 2003. She's up to three packs a day. Rodney Dangerfield
One time I asked, "What would Jesus do?". That's the same day I almost drowned.
5-year-old: I can't finish my lunch. I don't feel good. Me: OK, then no ice cream. 5-year-old: I'm sick, not dead.
Two necrophiles are discussing their love lives. Necrophile 1: What happened with you and Brenda? Necrophile 2: Ah, you know how it is. . .the rotten cunt split on me.
I hate it when people use the wrong preposition on a sentence
How many times do I have to refresh internet pages before I'm happy?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein's friends were ever able to say "nice work, Einstein" without sounding sarcastic
Moses How does Moses make his coffee? He brews it.
What do you call a Canadian in outer space? An Eh-lien!
What's the difference between an Iraqi middle school and a terrorist training camp? Fuck if I know, I just fly the drone.
Nerds "Who are they? Who do they look up to? And if they're so awkward with the opposite sex, why are there so many of them?" - Adam Hills
How many pushups can Chuck Norris do? All of them!
A feminist once asked me "What's your view on lesbians?" I said, "1080p."
As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don't act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino
Joke Q: Why do Jews like watching dirty movies backwards? A: Because they like the part were prostitute gives the money back!
To live 98 years and have NO enemies
The Lord said unto John; "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and he won a toaster.
You know you have a weight problem when even your car insults you. It flashes the word ABS at me and won't stop.
If bank website ads have taught me anything it's that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.
The rape game... --Do you want to play the rape game? --No! --That's the spirit...
What's the difference between a jew and a Canoe? Canoes tip
What do you call a guy who does not fart in public? A private tutor.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
It's the little differences that can be the most important. For example, the difference between getting laid at your high-school reunion and getting laid at your family reunion.
What does expensive pasta cost? A pretty penne
I went to the store to buy 50ft of rope. The guy at the store said "This spool of rope is on clearance for only $2. It's 500ft long." "Nah man" I said "I hate long good buys."
What does a robot do after sex? Nuts and bolts
What wasn't stolen when CVS was looted during the Baltimore riots? The Father's Day cards.
I saw this farmer milking a baby cow and I thought to myself "How could anybody stoop that low?"
GOLDFISH: i swear i'll have your money by tomorrow GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money? GOLDFISH: who are you? GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where's my mon
What's a caveman's favorite lunchtime meal? A club sandwich.
People who eat ass have a shitty taste in sex
I had a one night stand! but way too many books to fit on it
What did Peter Pan say during the plane crash? "It looks like we're going to Neverland."
When life tosses me a football, I'm the ref who's not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face
What do you call it when a jaeger licks your butthole? Pacific Rim Job.
Paris Hilton should make a sex tape with 2 black guys and call it NIGGAS IN PARIS!
I burnt my mouth on a slice of pizza. But I got my revenge. It's poop now.
Viagra now comes in a nasal spray. It's for dick heads.
What do you call the ghost of a Native American accordion player? Pocahontas
I just told my sister I'm into incest.. She's taking it pretty hard
Thought of this whilst snacking. If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support they're going to think we're nuts!
Why does Thomas Edison hate Ubisoft Montreal Cause he didn't like AC
What smells like shit, looks dead, and doesnt give a fuck? Gamers
Pros are good and cons are bad, so... What's the opposite of constitution?
Q: Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school? A: She wanted to be a nurse.
What did the homeless rapper say to the passerby? Hey man, can you spare 50 cents?
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume. http://imgur.com/kG9MROJ
Not to brag, but I know exactly what to do in a crisis. I'm really good at panicking. ^^^I ^^^panicked.. ^^^I ^^^meant ^^^to ^^^say ^^^Packing
Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
My brother is deaf and watches porn I turned the volume to max in his pc
What did the owl say to the squirrel? Nothing. Because owls don't talk. Then it ate the squirrel, because owls are birds of prey.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't run home
Genie: "You have 3 wishes." Ian: "I wish for everyone to be equal." Genie: "Okay. You have no wishes."
Where's the best place to have a waffle on the beach? San Diego. (Sandy Eggo)
What do you call a Chatbook that consists solely of pictures of your poop? A Shatbook.
Bears can swim, climb trees, and open doors. Why aren't there "BEWARE OF BEARS" signs posted fucking everywhere?!
WHAT DO WE WANT? RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?? NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
You don't sweat much for a fat chick.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at college? Bi-son
Why do we use black pens on white paper? So hangman is more realistic.
Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says
I can't believe Prince &amp; Muhammad Ali died from the same thing... ...being overrated.
Have you heard the joke about the margarine? I'd tell it you but I prefer it unsaturated.
According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems: 1. Me. 2. Not her.
*scrawls note on deserted isle* TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME! *sends off in bottle* *it returns, months later, with reply* NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
A Hardcore atheist, A dedicated vegan, and an avid cross-fiter walk into a bar. how can you tell which one is which? They tell you.
Of course I don't hold grudges! I'm a woman, I carry them around in my designer purse everywhere I go.
How many pick-up artists does it take to change a lightbulb? Zero. They just keep praising and negging it, and then get upset when it doesn't screw.
Three small children walk into a bar... These kids not used to times square
Being sick and tired of all the excess fat, one day I decided to burn it off. And then I started running... ..from the police for setting my wife on fire.
Yo mama so fat... ...she had an heart attack while running an app.
What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape? A retarded ape.
Reddit is like a friend that you think is really funny at first until you realize that they just repeat the same jokes over and over again.
I recently stopped sending monthly payments to my exorcist... Because of that my house was repossessed
When is a single gay man's favorite time of the day? When he takes a shit.
So they've announced Taken 3..... So they've announced that they're making a Taken 3. I'm starting to think that Liam Neeson's very particular set of skills are a bit shit!
When Ariel the mermaid gives a blowjob to Prince Eric... is that Fellate Of Fish?
I'm pitching a show called "Walking Dad" where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit. Neck-tarine
Why are children never the main characters in horror movies? Instead of gawking at the killer waiting to see what will they do with the bloody axe, kids will do the smart thing: Run.
Jack and Jill went up the hill.... And Jill came back with an IPhone 7
The full time football result is in: Real Madrid - 4... Surreal Madrid - fish
I gave my russian wife a shirt.. but all she did was iron curtains. PS: Found a similar comment.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN...
Why did the Hipster order piping hot soup? He wanted to eat it before it was cool.
I submitted a group of puns to a pun judging contest hoping one of them would win. No pun in ten did.
it takes a while say, "you wore that shirt the day after yesterday", and see how long it takes for them to get it
I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time
You know what they say about corn? You only borrow it...
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian..." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
[China] "You have to get good grades" KID: But it's so hard! "We're Can-tonese not Cant-tonese" KID: You gotta admit that's a bit confusing
What does 36+16 equal to? A prison sentence.
Lawyer: The defense rests Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal? Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like "you're a butthole" Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle
What's the most confusing day in the hood? Father's Day
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
What does a Syrian pirate say? Allah AkbARRR
An Irishman walks into a bar.... And then another Irishman walks into the bar. And another one. And another one. And another one. And another one. And another one.
What did the toaster say to the bread? I want you inside me.
What do you call a midget with no arms and a stumpy leg? A person. Don't be an asshole.
I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I a microwave?
What did Ahab say when Moby Dick raised his tail? Whale shit!
I'll huff I'll puff and I'll smoke all of your stuff. -Big Broke Wolf
It's a bit drizzy out there... Expect a li'l wayne
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle.
she's all "don't sleep in the nude- what if there's a fire and the fire men come and see you naked" uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Couldn't figure out how to set up my stereo system, so I called my dad... He gave me some sound advice.
My wife and I decided to have kids... ...for lunch. Fried children are yummy.
music class i was always in trouble in music class. now i play the bass so its good.
The most popular guy in a fraternity will always end up working at a mobile phone kiosk in the mall.
How do you get four gay guys on a barstool? Turn it upside-down.
Did I ever tell you about the time I had a fart that lasted for an entire minute? It's a long-winded story.
Is it possible to be bored to death? That all depends on the drill.
I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girls cross country team? One is a group of cunning runts.
Who did the baker bring to work? His doughter.
Don't go broke trying to look rich... act your wage'
How is 2+2=5 like your left foot? It's not right.
My girlfriend said I treat her like a little girl. So, I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
What tastes..[NSFW] What tastes better on Pizza than on Pussy? Crust.
I have to pee every hour, on the hour. ...it's like cockwork
Cum on guys, gay jokes are not funny.
Why did Helen Keller fail her road test? Because she was a woman
When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.
The store sample lady just tried feeding me gluten-free donuts. I may need bail money. I don't remember much. But there's blood everywhere.
Can't find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Who's the most famous chair tester? Mike Easter
what do you call an optimistic 0? A cheery-o!
I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads.
A man takes his sick wife to a doctor.. The doctor after making initial observations, says - 'Sir, your wife doesn't look so good'. To which the man replies, 'Yea, but she gives great head'.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's "push it" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis
Frankenstein the Gardner why is frankenstein a great gardner????
A Liar, a Murderer, and a Cheater walk into a bar... The Patriots must be in town.
What do you call a Mormon action hero? Jean-Claude Van Darn
How did the hipster burn his tongue? he drank his coffee before it was cool
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Why did they spray rose water cologne on Scott Weiland at the funeral home? So he smelled great while dead &amp; bloated.
A three legged dog Walks into a bar, sits down and says im looking for the man that shot my paw.
[First Date] Him: Great dress. Me: Oh, this? *flips hair* *twirls* *skirt flares* *foot catches* *face plants* Him: Me: Hey! Come back!
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone "Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Trying to act like I tripped on purpose has become something of a full time job.
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle? Because the parrots eat em' all.
Treadwell walked into a Biloxi stationery store and asked "Have you got any invisible ink?"  "Certainly sir" said the owner. "What color?"
When I see someone has 1,500 followers on twitter, I think "that person must b funny". 1,500 friends on FB "that person is batshit crazy"
Where do you bury a donkey? In an asshole!
You enter. "I've been expecting you," I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
What is a traitor's favorite food? Eggs Benedict
My teacher said, "Are you chewing gum?" I said, "Do I look like chewing gum to you?"
How does a door chime answer the phone?  Bella?
I'm 5'3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality....disorder.
What's a feminists favorite music festival? Burning Man.
I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who's responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul. Me: It's photoshopped.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I'm sure I'm not the only person to ever use Google Maps Satellite feature to see whose car is in my driveway in the middle of the day.
An iphone user walks into a bar, a hotel, or a field. He's not too sure
Beethoven hyping the crowd. Beethoven: YOU WANNA HEAR A SYMPHONY? *crowd cheers* Beethoven: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Boy: Do you have fever? Girl: No why? Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!
The flying V Why is it when ducks fly in a V one side is longer. More ducks on that side.
I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car But they're having trouble installing windows
What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ? Gnus - readers !
What does a gynocologist and a pizza man have in common? Thay can smell the goods, but they can't taste them.
What's the difference between a Jew and a woman? Idk I'm voting trump
Did you hear about the Mexican word of the day? Chicken wings My wife plays the lottery so chicken wings some money!!!
"Bob's coming over" Bob from work or Bob who thinks he's a cop? *knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE *flushing drugs down toilet* "Bob from work"
What's Adam Levine's favorite holiday? Halloween Halloween Halloween!
Thanks to Facebook I feel like we probably need a new word for friend.'
Why did the gingers shoe break Because it had no sole.
Have you heard? They pulled the Steve Irwin brand of sunscreen off the shelves. It didn't protect against deadly rays.
What do you call a blind member of the Third Reich? A "notsee" because they cannot see! I'll see myself out...
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
How is an accordion like an artillery shell? Once you hear it, it's already too late.
Why did the dolphin commit suicide? Because its life had no porpoise!
What is the most expensive type of prostitute? Whoreganic
What's a whale's favourite brand of hair gel? Krill Bream.
I didn't get groped by the TSA at all. We just kissed a little, it was nice.
There must be a child in my rectum.... 'Cause you're kiddin' my ass!
My iPhone is like my girlfriend Doesn't blow
And the Oscar goes too.......... Prison.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones. Scarlett Johansson: That's very interesting.
The WORST trick the Devil ever pulled was trying to convince the world he wasn't fat by wearing a t-shirt in the pool.
"I donno. America's Got Ghosts?" -- someone in charge of a channel I probably pay $10 a year for and never watch.
I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
*police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit* QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN *throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My neutered cat has such a tiny girly voice Must be a catstratti
I'd love to change the world. But I don't think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.
[dont let him know you're a sponge] Waitress: *spills drink on table* GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn
So I was trying to grab a grape with my fork... But it slipped. It seems as though my efforts were... Fruitless.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
So oxygen went on a second date with potassium That went OK2
Only the immature will laugh A sausage and an egg are frying in a pan. "It's a bit too hot in here for me, mate." The sausage says to the egg. The egg screams, "Ahh! A talking sausage!"
Why are wedding dresses white? It's the most popular colour of home appliances, washing machines, dishwashers,........
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college.. Her: Yes I did. Me: No you didn't. Her: Yes I did. Me: Oh you're good!
I wore a suit to Walmart and they made me their king.
Australians don't have sex Australians mate.
was going to make a joke about science but I know for I wont get a reaction...
I've discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.
*takes a hit off the joint *slowly exhales Ahhhhhh This is the best baked sale ever "It's a BAKE sale" *exhales again Tell me about it
"my eye is up here" -Illuminati pyramid
What do you call an Irishman passed out on your deck? Paddy O'Furniture
I'm the king of letting my phone ring for a while before I pick it up so it seems like I'm busy
What do you do about a bird that shits in your car? Never ask her out again.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Fuck her.
I was asked who my favorite X-Men character was... Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner was an inappropriate answer.
Have you see the film about the guy who can't stop crywanking? It was a tearjerker.
I made fun of my Middle Eastern friend's food the other day Now I falafel about it.
The only thing sadder than doing nothing with our lives, is spending our time watching others do the same. #RealityTV
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I'm the bartender.
I thought I share this gem What is the worse thing you can do to a blind man? .....Leave the plunger in the toilet!
Why did the frog cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said,"Son that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you."
So engineering school is really hard... I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
I've had enough of my wife. Thought the bloated cannibal.
I'd like to think inside your box.
"I'm smart. Everyone else is stupid" - everyone
Squirrels before girls.
Coworker came back into the office after being out sick for one day. Me: Feeling better? Him: Yea, I had a bad case of Ass Glaucoma. Me: What? Him: Yea! I couldn't see my ass being drug to work!
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Why do birds, suddenly appear, every time, you are near, serious question, that is weird, shit ton of birds are following you.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds* *hits 'stop recording' on outgoing voicemail message*
What did the zit say to the other zit while they were making love? Yeah you like that you dirty pore?
I saw a TV for sale for only 1 because the volume button was stuck Did I buy it? Of course I did! Well, I couldn't turn it down Could I?
Where does the vampire deposit his savings? In the blood bank. And why did he like to deposit his savings there? Because everyone there helped increase his savings.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them." Edit: RIP inbox, nearly thought Reddit Au was coming Edit 2: First Reddit au! Thanks kind stranger!
Some Ho decided to hit me in the face yesterday... Fucking garden tools.
2016  That's the joke.
Why do blonde girls have bruises on their belly buttons? Because blonde guys are stupid too!
World peace or all of Bill Gates' money? If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?
I tried anal for the first time last night and I hated it... Fuck that shit
Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.
Next time you're at the bar, ask the bartender for a Ryan Lochte When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte? Just say "I don't know, make something up"
*incoming text* "hey bud can I crash at ur place" Sure come on over *sound of approaching airplane*
Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic... ...and so am I.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks He got hammered.
My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I'm staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.
What's long and hard and full of "SEE-MEN"? A submarine, obviously.
[warning: Dad joke] What country has the most internet crimes? E-gypt
Why did the dog go to the vets? He was pawly. I'm sorry. I'll see myself out.
Why did the chicken fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
Did you hear about the time Orion lost an archery match? He was given a constellation prize.
Cop behind me just turned. Best unfollow ever.
Skydiving without a parachute is a once in a lifetime experience.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The Prophylactic Why did the prophylactic fly across the room? It was peed off.
What is Forrest Gump's favorite type of pasta? Penne
Judge threw out a lawsuit against Starbucks said the Plaintiff had no grounds.
What's the most difficult instrument for a percussionist to play? a conundrum
What do a cue ball and a Mexican have in common? The harder you hit 'em, the more english they pick up.
so a singularity is something with no mass and infinite density... ...basically describing donald trump's brain.
I once saw a skit about public hanging It had brilliant execution.
What they dont tell you, is that your sheets are actually made of Egyptians and Cotton.
I uploaded a video to Youtube and it wasn't stolen/ reuploaded by ViralHog! ...
Q. Have you heard the latest scandal? A. Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.
Two Lesbian Vampires have just had sex.... and one says to the other: "Same time next month?"
"Fee Fi Fo Fum" is the "HAY HAY GIIRLFRIEEEND" of giant speak.
You're like school in July... No class
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? One to unscrew it, and one to hold the ~~cock~~ ~~father~~ ladder.
Q: What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire?  A: Lawn chair.
What do a Total Bitch and her Tampon have in common? NSFW They're both Stuck-up Cunts.
I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.
If you're an astronaut.. and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time
What's the difference between Michael phelps and hitler... Michael phelps can finish a race
[NSFW] What's black and blue and hates sex? The little boy in my trunk.
It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee
My daughter hit me with this one while preparing for dinner Why did the table love playing volleyball? Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.
Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas The receptionist asks "Do you have a reservation?"
Suicide Bomber "Now I'm only gonna show you this once"
How do you tell a Japanese girl you're breaking up with her ? You drop it on her twice.
my wife laughed at me when i told her i was going to make a car out of spaghetti She wasn't laughing when i drove pasta.
Why do Asians squint with their eyes? Because bombs are bright.
I used to steal identities... You people are so boring I ended up returning them.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, do feminists still try to blame it on the patriarchy?
Premature ejaculating searches young woman... Oh.... nevermind
Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random...that could mean anything be safe ok
Why don't orphans like baseball? Because they don't know were home is XD
Son: " Mom, am I ... ugly? " Mother: " I told you not to call me Mom in public, now stay away further. "
What do you call an Elf that sings? A wrapper! Merry Christmas. I hope you got what you wished for. (   )
Russia: Why did the chicken cross the road? Ukraine: I don't know Russia why? Russia: To rescue oppressed Russian minority
Someday astronauts will land on the sun .... Im hoping they're smart enough to do this at nighttime when it's not as hot
How cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.
What is the difference between a corrupt cop and a disposable camera? A disposable camera doesn't have to reload 3 times to take 30 shots.
What language does a homosexual jew speak? .....Heblew
The American people should elect Gabe Newell president in 2020. That way we can be 100% certain the President of the United States will not start World War III.
How do you turn a fox into a cow? Marry it
Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you? Pupil: How did you know? Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me neither"!
When I get a dog I'm going to name it syndrome
Why did the PI detective cross the road? He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken said.. "dont do it man, you will never hear the end of it"
Conspiracy theorists, I hope you're right... I hope the illuminati run this country, they seem like a safe bet
Have you heard about the newly developed French tank? It has 3 forward gears and 16 reverse
Everyone tells me I hold grudges just like my dad. They say I'm a chip on the old shoulder.
[jail] ME: I want my phone call COP: Ok. Make it count ME: [dials payphone] [cop's mobile rings] COP: Hello? ME: Please let me go
That new show, Black-ish just started airing in Korea. It's called Brackish.
When I ask someone what their name is, why do I never actually listen to their answer?
Girls always think I'm ugly until they see what's in my bank account Then they think I'm ugly AND poor
I dont care about all the ISIS jokes They all blow up.
What do the South and the Sun have in common? They Both Shall Rise Again!
How do you get your husband to eat shit? Wipe forward!
I think I hear burglars dear. Are you awake?  No!
How do you measure how sad someone is? With a blues scale
What sex position makes the ugliest kids ? Ask your parents.
How do you know if a girl is ticklish? Give her two test tickles.
hey, a mime! *mime starts having heart attack* hes pretending to die lol *mime collapses* *hours later still watching his body* wow hes good
So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend.... She goes, "How many other girls have you had sex with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.
What do you call a limbless swimmer? Bob.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone have stole all his lamps.... ...he was absolutely delighted.
Two law students walk into a bar, one says to the other... Gee, I hope we pass
Do you know what's really tiring../? ... being awake.
Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If you really want to surprise your man during intercourse, die.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK HIS AGENT: gary that's a bad ideahow'd you feel about a ghost writer? GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I like my women how I like my wine 12 years old and locked in the cellar
What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans? The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails.
What's pink and hard? The Financial Times crossword puzzle
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don't look a day over 30.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Says Yoda, "About me, no more jokes."
What's the difference between Vincent van Gogh and Evander Holyfield? Are you serious? I could give you a mouthful.
How do you stop a ginger from drowning? You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.
Why can't , melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
What is a spiders favourite TV show ? The newly web game !
Your mum is soooo Dark that when she puts lipstick on she looks like... Knight Rider!
My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives
True story I was listing all the TV shows I like to a friend. When I got to "Psych", he thought I was just kidding about all the previous shows.
What is a mexican's favorite sport event? Cross country
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren't allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? I can't make a vitamin...
A fool proof way to never feel lonely. If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.
*laughs all the way to the bank* *cries all the way back*
What does Mario use to get his hot dogs off the grill? He uses his Donkey Tongs.
*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm *calls cell phone *waits
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words, "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTE SHIT"
Man from Nantucket There once was a man from Nantucket, with a dick so long he could suck it. As he wiped off his chin he said with a grin, if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.
Oh we're halfway there Oh oh running from a bear I pushed you down Accidentally I swear Oh oh eaten by a bear You were eaten by a bear
How do you make a man from New Zealand fall asleep? Ask him to count how many sexual partners he has had (Because they're sheep fuckers).
Why is six afraid of seven? Because there's something odd about him
Don't be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I'm walking the dog.
*Aims for the moon* *hits curb*
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It's quite ingenious really. Let me explain...
Where does okra come from? Okrahoma.....lol should probably be in dadjokes but oh well.
Best Porn movie title ever Q:What do you call a Czechoslovakian gay porn movie? A:Czech is in the male. yeah..... As a bonus: This is actually a real movie. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1091755/
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Well, it's "Fat Tuesday." But for a lot of America that just means "Tuesday."
A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
How can you tell if Asians are good at sex ? Because out of 6 randomly chosen people, 3 will be Asians.
Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.
Don't answer the door after dark because it might be an orphan in a basket and ain't nobody got time for that.
Best joke I've heard in a while 63071
Ambien: Where is your unicorn? Me: I don't have a unicorn. A: You better get naked and go into that Arby's and look for it anyway. M: Ok.
Fred: I'd love to be an actress.  Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for? Fred: Then you'd be in a cast for weeks.
What rock group has 4 men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore
Blowjobs did not live up to my expectations. They suck.
My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn't want to be cocky about breathing
What kind of bear likes the rain? A drizzley bear.
Why did the girl give Jesus a blowjob? She wanted to see the messiah cum
"I don't follow her so whatever you do, don't LIKE one of her Instagram photos or she'll know we're looking at them." -Why 2015 is confusing
I think my cat is using me for my money I mean the sex is great, but I just don't feel an emotional connection.
Responding as if you've just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you're still in bed
When midgets smoke weed... ...do they get high, or do they just get medium?
Went hunting with Willie Nelson and we each got a turkey. Now that's what I call killing 2 birds with one stoner.
Gas is under $2 a gallon and Suge just killed a guy... Looks like the '90's are back!!
Ever since they started calling pole dancers "artists," I've been writing on my resume that my talents include "moving in artistic circles."
Why does Britain like tea so much? Because tea leaves.
Why are so many computer scientists atheists? Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.
What do you call an orphan named Rose? Self-raising flour
Emmy Awards In the U.S., your program has to win an Emmy. In the U.K., programme already has one.
I haven't been this confused about what's going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He'll be sad that I abandoned them! Me: Want to call him & apologize? 5: You don't have his phone number.
A young child says to his mother... "Mom, when I'm a grown-up I want to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't be both."
Peter Parker's at a party He's offered a blunt. "No," He says looking out the window at the skyline. "That's not the Mary Jane I need."
Why did the anvil hit the blacksmith instead? Because it was irony.
Why do you take toilet paper to the twilight zone? DODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODO
What do I think about my toes? They couldn't be further from my mind.
Why do cats love small spaces? 'cause pussies gotta be tight
What do you call a corn farmer who had his genitals removed A eunuch corn
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
TIFU by buying a 10" speaker instead of a 12" one. Whoops, wrong sub.
Ear wax is disgusting. But when you're out of Vegemite, you're out of Vegemite.
Why do jews watch porn backwards? so they can come when the prostitute hands the money to the guy
How did Henry VIIIs wife enter the room? Amble in (Anne Boyeyn) I made this joke up and am very proud of it :)
"More people are killed by toasters than sharks". So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you're in big trouble.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
I've fallen in love' My husband yelled to me as his arse cheeks splashed against the toilet water.
What's black and white and red allover? My dalmatian after being hit by a car
If you think Special K is boring, wait till you try Normal K.
u mad bro? or just disappointed bro?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.
I was going to buy some classical CDs... But it turns out I'm baroque.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don't they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Happy Fourh of July "Hey England, Happy Fourh of July." "Where's the T?" "We threw it in the harbor." Merica.
Have you heard about Bruce Willis' new movie in which he has to infiltrate a Nunnery? "Bad Habits Die Hard."
Apparently "What inning is it?" is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Where does Iron man get his e-mail? Fe-mail
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems
What does a frog that can read say? Reddit...reddit...
CD worms made tapeworms obsolete.
I tried to catch some fog But I mist.
So they're making a documentary on Canadian wildlife. I hear it's going to be a mooseterpiece.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
My abs are so perfect... ...that i keep them safe and sound under a protective layer of beer belly.
I nicknamed my girlfriend melody Because its loudest and always on top
I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying
I once tried eating a clock it was very time consuming
What's green and sits on the porch? Paddy O'Furniture. Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Apparently The Hulk's blind date went well. I asked him about it today and he just said "Hulk Smash."
Do you know how to catch a squirrel?  Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Vagina jokes are not funny Period.
How do you end a prayer to the Noodle God? Ramen.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.
Why wasn't the man considered attractive? The laws of gravity didn't apply to him.
An ancient Greek walks into a tailors with a torn pair of pants: "Euripides?" Asks the tailor. "Yeah, Eumenides?" Replies the man.
What was the favorite genre of music of the man that hung himself off of a windy bridge Swing
Now that it's 2017, to be accepting, I no longer see gender or age.... especially after my trip to Thailand
Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Have you tried Ethiopian Food? Neither have they.
I sent a new girl I'm seeing a picture of my buddy Richard in the middle of the night She didn't appreciate an unsolicited Dick pic...
Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the f*ck do you play this?"
I took my wife to see the doctor today hoping to sort out her tourettes problem. It turns out she doesn't have it... I am a bastard and she really does want me to f**k off...
My kid's insults to each other: "you have fat lips like Momma." "well, you have a big butt like Momma. Thanks, kids.
English teachers' favorite knock-knock joke Knock-knock Who's there? To To who? *To whom*
Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her  rocking chair? A: She wanted to rock and roll
Research has shown that girls do NOT go to Jupiter to get more stupider. They actually go to Venus. For uh, *shuffles papers* for stuff
What's the worst part about 9/11? getting your reddit jokes downvoted 14 years later because everyone is a crybaby cunt
Two balloons are floating in the desert. one balloon says to the other, "hey! watch out for that cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss"
Wordpress Is Shutting Down? http://www.everydayfails.com/articles/wordpress-is-shutting-down/
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? To avoid being confused with feminists.
I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice. Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
My New Year's resolution is to stop telling Dad jokes, shouldn't be that hard, I never joke about my father.
*sees spider in the shower* Oh jeez I'm sorry lock the door next time buddy
NERD JOKE: What is the difference between a refrigerator and a one foot tall man painting the side of a house? Answer: On a quantum level, there is no difference.
I would do anything for my friends. Except answer their calls, return their texts, listen to their problems or see them. But anything else
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. (oldie but goodie)
optimists: the glass is half full. pessimists: the glass is half empty feminists: the glass is being raped
Me: I've been constipated for 2 months. Friend: No shit?
How many NYPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
Why doesn't Hitler like Jewish wivern's? Because they're a dragon the state
Charles Dickins walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says, Olive or Twist?
What pokemon would you catch in Antarctica? Freezing.
Whats the similarities between black people and bikes? Both cant work without chains.
I was going to post a pun about amphibians.... but I seem to have froggotten it.
What salesman has the slickest line? A hair grease salesman.
I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision I only had regular vision
What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common? (NSFW) You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it anyway.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets seem to be facing the same way.
Why do they call me seven days? Because I'm weak.
How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit fam.
What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside to ask for a clothes hanger
A Reddit moderator walks into a bar [removed]
It's my ninth anniversary on Twitter. I could not have done it without my ex-wife and my kids whose names I no longer remember.
Someone asked me where I will be in 5 years? I said I don't know, I dont have 20/20 vision. Compliments to my dad for that one.
Being a grown up is throwing something at the trash can, missing, then actually going over and picking it back up.
Most people seem to define "skepticism" as a rigorous doubt of any fact which they would prefer not to believe.
Q: Where did the kittens go on their class  trip? - A: To a mewseum.
How are a grenade and a wife similar? If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone
How do hair stylists get in shape? Curling Iron.
What happened to the minter who went crazy? He stopped making cents.
Have you heard of that movie Gravity? I heard it was... full of suspense
Your mom is so fat... The last time she had sex, they called it the Big Bang!
You know whats hard? Bricks.
I just bought a bottle of Drano... Well that was $4 down the drain.
What do you call an awesome internet site for frogs? Rebbit.
tomorrow is erection day for all the Asian-Americans.
When can't a pencil write out a check? When it's broke.
I posted something about Turkey in /r/news [deleted]
Why are aroused campers so extreme? I don't know, but they end up fucking in-tents (intense). Yes, it's a pun, but what else do you expect from me first thing in the morning.
A teenage boy decides to stop masturbating.
Why didn't Napoleon get his wish? Because he couldn't pull the wish Bonaparte.
Getting an Arts Degree... ...
I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One is a good year, the other is a great year.
I don't like going to funerals early in the day. I'm not much of a mourning person.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
"1. Roll around in bed for a few hours. 2. Get kind of dressed. 3. DON'T EAT!" - to do list for American Apparel models
As a parent I often wonder if there's anything I could've done differently to prevent the jealousy between my twins Lisa & Hog Face.
I went on a date with a girl in a wheelchair... I stood her up, and thats when she fell for me, now were on a roll, I just have to figure out how to ramp it up in the bedroom.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
*pops out of casket at funeral* ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
Why can't blondes make Kool Aid? Because they can't figure out how to get eight cups of water into that  tiny little package.
/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award! for 95% recycled content.
Happy new year! Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.
What do you call a guy going down on a girl with a smile on his face? A Gladiator
Environmentally friendly means to stop burning bridges and just throw people off of them
I think it's obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...? A fork
I asked my friend about their new glass dildo Apparently it's a pane in the ass
If 5 slaves had an orgy in the 1800's. . . Would it be considered a three-way?
I bet a girl that I could touch her boobs without touching her for $5. Paid her the $5 after I touched her boobs.
A horse walks into a bar... The Barkeeper asks:"hey dude, why the long face?" The horse has cancer.
Which two letters of the alphabet are  nothing? MT (empty) .
I'll take a girl with a sharp wit. Wits never sag.
Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage
Why does the Pope always win at chess? He has so many Bishops!
A set of jumpleads walk into a bar... The bar man says "I'll serve you but you better not start anything."
How does every black joke start? *Looks over shoulder *
If Donald Trump runs the U.S into the ground... He will have toupee
Joke of the Day 6/12/14 The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,and I said " Did you get my drift?".
Did you hear about the dragon fan who played Skyrim? He was Dovah-keen
the difference between driving drunk and high drunk drivers run red lights stoned drivers wait for stop signs to turn green
I saw a huge seagull today... It was big enough to be a D-gull But not quite big enough to be an Eagle
-.. .. -.. + -.-- --- ..- + ... . . + - .... . + .. -. - . .-. -. . - + .--- --- -.- . + .. -. + -- --- .-. ... . + -.-. --- -.. . .. - + .-- .- ... + -.. --- - + -.-. --- -- . -.. -.--
When Thatcher ruled it was Thatcherism! Does that mean we now have Mayhem?
[cops showing wife my body] "Why is he 50m from where he got shot?" "Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history"
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
What do a Typhoon and Aquaman have in common? They both come in waves. Context: In Taiwan at the moment, thought of this while watching motorcycles get knocked over by wind.
I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with "swag" and their duck-face girlfriends too. It was  the Yolocaust.
I asked for a new gaming console for Christmas, instead I got some torn up cardboard, I asked why "I thought you asked for an ex-box?"
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] "Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat"
Whats better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ!
What do you call it when God masturbates? Jesus fucking Christ
The Road Runner is a pretentious, cocky fucking asshole and deserves to be eaten. Beep beep that shit, motherfucker.
How many times does 43 go into 9? The priest won't tell you, but *he knows*.
I had an idea for a plane with no wings but it never really took off.
What did the passenger broccoli say to the driver broccoli? Floret!
What is black and white and red all over? An Orca on a Japanese whaling ship.
What's the boob of a nun called? Sanctity.
What did the black kid get on his SATs? BBQ sauce.
Doctor: I'm going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal. Me: Well now you've made THAT nearly impossible.
I left my keys on my piano ...That's it.
How do you make a bitch love you? You take her to the bone zone
What did the Queen fans say at the stoning? We will We will Rock you!
[first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
advertising slogans are the official language of the united states of america
Imagine if a guy with a stutter was named History because History repeats himself
What do the Hindenberg, the Titanic and Hillary Clinton have in common? Going down on any of them would be horrifying.
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Just found out my best friend is on Match.com... but I can't make fun of him about it because then he'll wanna know why I was browsing single men on Match.com.
I don't care how hardcore you are. If you don't cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Did you hear about the red tarmac that went around murdering people? It was a cycle-path.
How do you kill a hipster? Drown him in the mainstream.
What's Gordon Ramsay's least favourite movie? ITS FUCKING FROZEN!
Why was the skeleton missing a funny bone Because this joke ain't funny
I'm not racist.. Racism is a crime. Only black people commit crimes.
"Do not purchase if seal is broke" *looks over at homeless seal* *places canned pickles back on the shelf*
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I'd never pay to have a lentil on my face
What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions
If you buy organic and don't tell someone about it, is it still organic?
Tower: Hawk 20 is this the same aircraft  declaring emergency about two hours ago ? Pilot: Negativ Sir. It's only the same pilot.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What does a vegetable use to change a flat? Asparagus...
Why did the chicken cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Please, person who just said "libary", tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Reasons I work out. 1) I don't wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned. 2) I guess to be healthy
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe* Her: OMG, can this date get any better Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Holy Week joke: What was Jesus doing on Holy Saturday? Just chilling.
Did you hear what happened in the Multi-Language Translation Race? Nobody made it to the Finnish Line.
Studies show [NSFW] Studies show 9/10 people enjoy gang rape
The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
I tried smoking hash the other day... But I couldn't get to corned-beef lit.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bobby ! Bobby who ? Bobby-n up and down like this !
This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.
Q: What do you have with Dick Cheney, Dick Morris, and Dick Nixon in the same room? NSFW A: Way too much cock and bull.
My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping they are more brave than I am.
I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.
What's the difference between a thug and a phone charger? A phone charger charges batteries, but a thug has battery charges
What did the watch say when the necklace, earrings, purse and ring killed the shoes? I won't be an accessory to this.
Why do so many black people believe in God? Its the only father they will ever know.
What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time :D I'm not funny (._.)
Teacher: 24 + x + 30 = 90. Find x. Student: It's between 24 and 30.
It's like my dad always said, "How did you get this number?!"
What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? A pocket watch.
On the bright side, I'm relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
What's the objective of Jewish football? To get the quarterback!
Knock knock. "Who's there?" "9/11." "9/11 who?" "...*you said you'd never forget*"
You know what they say about Anthropologists They are all outstanding in their field.
What are the ten greatest years of a woman's life? The ones between 39 and 40.
My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.
What is Hitler's favourite type of pizza? The Hollow Crust.
What do you call a happy husband? Broke.
A recent study by statisticians... ...shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Which Harry Potter character is best suited for an apple product. Sirius black
My Porkinson's disease is acting up. I keep crashing my X-Wing.
Doctor: I have two bad news for you. Doctor: The first one is that you have cancer. Patient: whats the second one then? Doctor: you also have alzheimer's. Patient: well at least I dont have cancer
What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
#MyHomelessSignWouldSay Obama aint the only one who wants change
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn't see and he kept walking for a little bit
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we're in jail.
Red sky at night; shepherds delight, red sky in morning; shepherds warning Minced lamb, potato, onion and carrot; shepherd's pie.
If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it? Restaurants can't have sex you moron.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we'll have a longer winter- People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE Meterologist: But science People: NO
"Diamonds are forever. But so is herpes." This is why I never get hired to write advertising campaigns.
Q: Why did the wrestlers have to fight in the dark? A: Their match wouldn't light.
That scene which she dies is full of suspense... What a breathtaking moment.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Two fish are sitting in a tank One says to the other one, " do you know how to drive this thing?"
You're a big internet fan arn't you? Yes I really get a buzz out of it!
My girlfriend was commenting on my big feet... I said, "Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet..." She replied, "You're gonna be disappointed!" [true story]
what did the cookie say to the supermodel? I promise not to crumb in your mouth.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her... Can't believe that chick pea'd herself
Why don't they let Italians swim in Long Island Sound? If you know that one, try this one: Why do seagulls fly to the dump?
Why did the Dictator ban Soda? Because there couldn't be 2-liters.
My nephew is turning three next week, but due to budget issues, we're not going to tell him.
Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. 
The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Two deer walk into a gay bar... 1 hour later they leave and one says to the other, "damn I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in that place"
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
What sex position produces the ugliest baby? I don't know, ask your parents.
How to parallel park: 1) Park somewhere else.
Now taking pre-orders for my "Running after the Ice Cream Truck" fitness workout DVD.
Do people with a foot fetish get off when their car gets towed?
Marriage is nature's way of preventing  people from fighting with strangers.
What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Stroganoff.
Gay dudes need to clarify when saying they went through a box of tissues watching a movie.
[text] "Hey" Hi. "I'm just laying in bed thinking about you." This is your mom. "New phone who dis?" Eric, that doesn't work. You texted me.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Why couldn't the blind man go skydiving? It would of scared the shit out of the dog.
My father walks into a bar... And stays there for the rest of my childhood.
What's the difference between Trump and my mom. Putin doesn't have pictures of my mom fucking a 12 year old Russian boy.
Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.
All about a Girl and you...! If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill If girl is far from you - Mobile bill If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill. Moral - No Girl - No Bills!
okay, i admit it. you're wrong.
Last night I hooked up with Edward Snowden's sister. believe me, she's the REAL whistle blower.
What kind of bus can cross the ocean? A Columbus.
The seven deadly sins were having a Mexican stand-off... Greed-o shot first
TIFU by hiring a registered sex offender as a replacement teacher Oops wrong sub.
What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time? I am not a cook
Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore? So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.
Yesterday 9 asked what's the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don't usually talk to me.
Anyone who doesn't believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ... Then I thought, "look what's telling me that"
Why was a happy couple weary to kiss at the gas station? They were scared of sparks flying.
Donald Trump is Playing Cards, his favorite card is The Trump Card
My wife does all the driving, because I never learnt to drive - in her opinion."
[job interview] "Under skill it says nicknames?" "You know it Sex Dragon." "Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?"
France and Italy go to war. Who wins? Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides
"Clique" is a French word meaning "small group of insufferable douchebags".
Why did little Dan dropped his ice cream? He was hit by a buss
What does your wife have in common with a Porn actress? They both moan SO much.
Spent the entire day trying not to look at porn... It was so hard.
What did Reddit say to his elderly mother when he tried to take her to a home? Get in the Karma.
You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she can fit into your wife's clothes.
I don't take a duece I make gold like a Lannister.
"SOMEONE IS VAPING" 911: Stay calm, were tracing it "HURRY" 911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE "OMG" 911: GET OUT GET OUT
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
What's the wisest kind of modeling putty? Play-toh.
"What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.
I once knew a girl so skinny... that when she swallowed a grape, 3 men left town. (it takes some thought)
My wife's safe word: "Not tonight"
How do trees encourage one another? They say "I'm rooting for you"
What's the best gift you can buy at Christmas? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
Why doesn't Kim Jong Un ever defecate? Because he's too legit to shit.
You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number
You should never use the word "nutsacky" when describing how a newborn baby feels.
Don't give the homeless money. They'll just use it on sharpies and cardboard.
What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant? You have diafetus
Holy shit there's a spider under my keyboard I think it's under control
When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave the hardware store".
Yo mamma so ugly When one direction saw her they went in the other direction
Why did Obi Wan not kill Anakin when he had the chance? Because Anakin was ... unarmed.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth* ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Girl, did it hurt...when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Perverts and dogwalkers are the only people who go through life excited for someone else to take a dump.
TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them. The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.
What's long, black, and smelly? The unemployment line
Got a great book of Ebay "How To Improve Your memory" But for the life of me I can not remember where I left the fucking thing
"LEEEEET'S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!" -wet laundry
Did you hear they finally published that book about clocks? It's about time.
It's ok to believe in life after love. Cher if you agree.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.
Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
What did the sign in front of the Drug Rehabilitation Center say? Keep off the grass.
Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm.
Economists... If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
Do you know what my least favorite thing about drinking goats milk is? Getting the grass stains off my back.
Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats? Because they're both in bread
I was a professional boxer. Then I picked up Muay Thai just for kicks.
What do you call a person who kills babies and gets paid for it? An abortion doctor.
Wanna hear a pizza joke? Nah it's too cheesy!
[at my grandmas house] MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My boyfriend offered to do analingus if I'd trim a "landing strip..." I told him he should be more worried about Skid Row.
Winter coats look like people gained 10 pounds, a perfect indicator for how they will look without the coat when the holiday season is over
What do you do if an old man asks for a helping hand? He is meaning a hand job so run away!
diseases you get after marriage onegina
What do you call a city-dwelling dwarf that keeps perfect time? A metro-gnome
If Hitler was alive today and had his own hotel, he would charge for wifi.
I got a really good knock knock joke. OK, you start.
What do you call a dumb bunny? A hare brain.
Have you heard of the musical condoms? They started a rubber band.
Venice, Italy What do you get from a frisky, naked old Venetian man who can't get it up and has difficulty walking? Canal.
So Hellen Keller walks into a bar and a table... and a chair... and a wall
Changed my name in Mrs.B's phone to 'Marty McFly'. Sent her a text saying 'be outside Argos at 12pm - we're going back'. She hasn't txt back
There are two types of people in the world... Those that pee in the shower, and those that are filthy liars.
I just came up with a new word! Plagiarism!
My friend David lost his ID the other day... Now we just call him Dav.
What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? She was beside herself.
On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven." Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
What is it called when Lebron James has sex? Bron-choitus
An owl and a mouse are sitting on a branch when a farmer walks by below. The owl turns to the mouse and says nothing. Because owls can't speak. The owl then eats the mouse because it's a bird of prey.
I was at the Apple store The Employee recommended the iPhone 6S. I said "That sounds S-septional!" *Stupid grin*
TIFU ...by posting this in the r/jokes subreddit.
I don't care if you're here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Don't worry. Nobody else wants Sharona.
I'm sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing "The Real Slim Shady" over and over.
The Binding Of Isaac Movie Just imagine The Binding Of Isaac Movie. He will find a Brimstone, Spoon Bender and Holy Mantle . It will be a pretty short movie I guess.
What was the catchiest thing of 2014? Ebola
What's the difference between a waiter and a waitress? The size of the tip.
Why can't black people be virgins? Because they're born fucked.
What's worse than 1 slice of burnt toast? The holocaust.
How do you make a squid laugh? Ten tickles.
Why don't big trains have little trains? They pull out on time.
Hows a forwardly plural Hitler hailed as? Shitler
Me: "I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself." Twitter: lol, you said "came".
What do you call a group of girls all named Paige? A chapter.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two... just don't ask me how they got in there.
[first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*
When I lose a follower, I like to pretend they were Taken, then I go to Europe and shoot absolutely everyone.
Wish triscuits would focus less on that basket weave design and more on not tasting like actual basket.
superheros and religion are alot more similar than you think Just a bunch people arguing whose fictional character is the best.
Life is like children underwear Short and full of shit
I'd be less introverted if the conversations in my head weren't better than the conversations I have with other people.
What did the sun god say in apology for all he had done wrong? "I Apollogize".
I was making breakfast, then "She's a maniac" came on the radio... Everything is a blur. Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?
When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
Teenage daughter called me an old fart. We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.
What is the body temperature of a Tauntaun? (Star Wars) Luke-warm.
What's nine inches long, has a bright purple top, and made my wife cry when I fed it to her after jamming it up her ass? Her stillbirth
What does PONTIAC stand for? Poor Old Nincompoop Thinks It's A Cadillac
Reddit is too too mean to fat people. You guys really need to lay off. They already have enough on their plates.
Still wondering if that guy I saw yesterday wearing a t-shirt in the pool was fat or not. So hard to tell!
A Bagpiper, a Kangeroo, an Irish poet, and Mother Theresa walk into a bar . . . . . . . the barman, who was drying a glass, lifted his head and asked, "Is this some kind of joke?"
TIL Pat Mccrory doesn't have a gender specified on his birth certificate It's Pat! edit: changed joke entirely
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes? This is God thanking them for bacon.
It's not necrophilia if she was alive when I started.
'I Now Pronounce You Man and WiFi'
Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins] date: can we talk about something else? [pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months. The divorce papers are finalized today.
Why did the integer stop multiplying with other integers of equal value? He was Squared Straight.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket You could say you are Independent.
I dont know if anyone else remember this joke - How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen consume? - Enough to kill two and a half men.
Just once I'd like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
His last words were, "I'm just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn't made dinner."
Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library? Both the books got burned and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.
Why were you late ? Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !
Why did the nazi work in the animal hospital after the war? He was a veteran Aryan.
Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.
What to hear a joke? A girlfriend.. While the humor is dry, in this joke i fully understand that this is not something many of you will ever get.
What Is Brown and Rhymes With Snoop? Dr. Dre
What do you get when you cross a donkey and a piece of onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear in your eyes.
However rich and successful you are, your cat will never see you as an equal.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
There are alot of Hillary signs in my neighborhood... When did she change her last name to 'For Prison'?
The music played on HGTV shows can be described as "Got drunk and wrote a dance song on a synthesizer."
What's the difference between a baby and a fridge? The fridge doesn't cry when you put your meat in it
I like my Friday nights like I like my jeans high-wasted.
How can you tell a skinhead is shaved down there When the carpet matches the drapes
Whats the difference between white people and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop its own cultures without having to resort to stealing others.
If I hit a baseball and it rolled under the fence and was eaten by a pig, what would it be called as? An inside the pork home-run.
Why is the pH of a white girl either 9, 11 or 13? 1. She's basic. 2. She literally can't even.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he's just gonna end up in China.
"Are you on Facebook?" "No, but I'm on.. (don't say twitter, don't say twitter) ..Mescaline" (Nailed it)
I am the Anti-Hammer. You can touch this. Go ahead. Touch it! ANTI-HAMMER TIME!
ahhh. this weather takes me back to the glory days of stealing dad's lawnmower & joyriding all day until the squirrels made the blades stop.
[parole hearing] "What will u do if released?" "Kill everyone on the jury." "What?" "Buy everyone jewellery." "Aw. Granted."
Cheer up Hilary! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
What's the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? A Methodist will say "hi" to you at the liquor store
What makes a talker become a stalker? The s.
*first day as almond milk factory worker* where the tiddies at
One year later after Pavlov's dog death... Pavlov still brings him food.
Go to Starbucks - Order Coffee - Tell them your name is Waldo - Leave
new job in call center I got a new job with the local suicide hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.
With Trump and Hillary as your options North America, You really should have voted for Deez Nuts
My sister had a threesome with two huge pornstars. Now she's not sure if she had a good time or not. Truth is, she's a little torn.
What is Cthulu's favorite pizza? deep dish
OMG, I have finally discovered what is wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left ...... intresting
Damn you, Autocorrect ! Why do you keep changing a word into something that makes no sense ? You are the banner of my existence.
I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"... I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class... Fuck, I hate being a teacher.
Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.
Give a man a fish & he'll probably stick his dick in it. Teach a man to fish & he'll just keep fucking the fish you gave him. Men are weird.
What is the early 17th Century English word for having excrement and blood smeared on your forearms? fisticuffs
Difference between your wife and the economy? 5 years later, the economy will still suck.
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets Then it hit me
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec- ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here? ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let's hear him out.
I told my wife we are all reincarnated, but MUST come back as a different creature. She said she wanted to come back as a cow..... .... then I said: "You obviously haven't been listening".
*gives gf a small gift wrapped box* "aww what's this, youre so sweet" *opens it* "wait, is this my toothbrush?" YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN
What's white on bottom and black on top? Rape.
I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Once upon a time... There was an idiot who thought I was gonna tell a joke. Have a nice day.
Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. "So it's like any other day."
I once stole a simile I made out like a bandit
Why did the gamer refuse to join the Boy Scouts? He hates camping
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
I'm all for saving the planet, but recycling jokes doesn't help...
[narrating people dancing at a wedding] These humans are using their legs for the first time today
A friend of mine is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. an he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
That joke was so funny... it should be posted in r/funny
What's the worst thing about being an atheist? You have no one to call to when you're having an orgasm.
Friend: "Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?" I'd rather you didgerididn't.
A venn diagram is a lot like two fat people sitting next to each other... There's never enough space in the middle.
FIRMS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.
I've always wanted to improve my knowledge of Greek Mythology.... It's been my achilles elbow for quite some time.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
When I open the Sriracha and a bunch squirts out on its own I tell it that it's okay, it happens to a lot of hot sauces.
I would have gladly studied to become a theoretical physicist,... but unfortunately, I'm allergic to B.S.
"Have a nice day at the plant!" -wife caterpillar to husband caterpillar in the morning
Roses are red. Violets are blue. There is always an Asian that's better than you.
Where do Orcish cows go to hang out? *Moooooooo*rdor.
The power went out. At the gigafactory.
The technology behind whiteboards is remarkable.
Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.
Why is an engaged girl like a telephone? Because they both have rings.
Why did the clown refuse to juggle? He didn't have the balls to do it.
Why dont guys like working in the rain? Because only pussys get wet.
Did you know Stalin's penis was the funniest part of his body? It was real commiedick.
What's the difference between a women's track team and a bunch of African pygmies? The African pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts. The women's track team are a bunch of running cunts.
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? They leave the plunger in the toilet.
My girlfriend and I step outside to smoke As soon as we get outside shes says, "brrrrr, it's windy!" And I responded, "actually, its mondy"
A Boy giving Complaints. Kid: mom, some kid is calling me gay mama: Hit him, in the face. Kid: I cant Mom: Why? Kid: Cause, he's so Cute!!
Why is the beach wet? Cause the seaweed
I broke up with a girl once by leaving a note on the front door that simply said: "Love doesn't live here anymore, and now, neither do you."
Schrodinger's cat walk into a bar And then it didnt.
Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and it's always down the chimney.
What do you call a female dog with a PH level above 7? A basic bitch
What do you call an elephant that doesn't keep up to date? irrelephant
Bring a Knife on a Date! When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Why couldn't Tommy ride a bicycle? Because he was a gold fish.
Becoming a vegan ...was a big missed steak
What order did Emperor Palpatine give to start the orgy? Execute order sexy sex.
Any one want to get a Helen Keller thread going? What do you do after you rape Helen Keller? Break her fingers so she can't tell her mom.
I shouldn't be forced to have black friends. I know my whites.
Blood types They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
Going out with two gay men tonight; I know they're my competition, but I've seen them consume bananas and I think I can take them.
What if one of your testicle is smaller than other? What would you do?
News: Video of black Baltimore mother beating her rioting son goes viral. She beat him so hard the police gave her a job application.
The female stink badger has 12 potent smelling nipples.. dozen tit make scents
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of peoples heads? Because they're headcases !
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? The mosquitos stops sucking after you fucking slap it
The boy was having trouble learning about computer memory. He kept forgetting everything.
Rick Astley is willing to let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, with one exception. He's never gonna give you Up.
Best joke for Americans. My friend calls me up and asks "Hey are you free tonight?" And I say of course, I'm American.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that's no problem
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit."
I'm not saying it's been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
What do you call a Jewish baby in the womb? A bun in the oven.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
They don't make microwaves the size of refrigerators because they know if you were high you'd try nuking your friends.
A cashier asks a feminist, " Cash or credit?" She replies: " Did you just assume my tender?"
Why did the blind lady fall into a well? She didn't see that well.
I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore. Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.
What is the difference between a Greek spearman and a pale beer? One is hoplite, and the other a light hops.
Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller? To find out his phos-fate!
2 men are in the bathroom. One is seen running in, the other leaving. What are their nationalities? Russian and Finnish!
To the man that stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you. You have my word!
I'm not paying any more child support. His posture hasn't improved at all.
wife: Why don't we run through the parking lot? me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it's dangerous
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God's cat jumped on the keyboard.
Walter Jr. had to use both feet to operate the pedals. He was braking bad.
The kids love this one! Why does Santa have such a Big Sack? Because he only comes once a year.
The three most important unwritten rules. 1. 2. 3.
My girlfriend... I told me friend that I found a girlfriend. They laughed at me and told me she was imaginary. Now the joke is on them, turns out that they are also imaginary.
Have you heard the new hipster joke? No? I just got it on vinyl
Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space. Its about time too
What would a depressed Abraham Lincoln do? Slit the writ of habeas corpus.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an "A" on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face I'm lack toes intolerant
How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to change the bulb.
me: wanna see my cat's shed? friend: lots of cats shed. why would-- [my cat enters wearing a tool belt] cat: show him the gazebo, too
Einstein wrote a theory about Space... It was about time too!
Why was the menopausal hooker so noisy in the sack? Whore moans
What do you call the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch voting? Counting Crows
Why is it called the 3/5 compromise? Because it is only 2/5 solution.
Just used my CVS receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.
So two bassists are sitting at a bar... One leans over to the other and says, "How are you dealing with not writing any of the songs?" He responds, "One note at a time."
You know how it goes, I say tomato You say what are you doing in my house?
I want to be a stand-up comedian... But I'm afraid I'll be laughed at.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
What do you call it when someone leaves at the first sign of a hurricane? A premature evacuation.
why did the chicken cross the road?
What's a storm trooper's favorite date? March 4th
What is the only difference between this year and last year? A building in Dubai.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ Then I thought, look what's telling me that.
I went to a really posh school. In fact it was so posh, the Gym was called James.
Have you seen the new movie Constipated? It hasn't come out yet
Two Whales are Sitting at a Bar One whale looks over to the other and says "Eeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooouuuuuuu" and the other whale looks at him and says, "Man you're really fucked up"
What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger? A gingerbreadmon.
Why did the kid get in trouble for wearing a bed sheet ghost costume? He wore a pointy hat underneath.
What is a gay dinosaur called? Nsfw Megasorass
What's the same about nail care and black people? They're both manicures
I tried getting my girlfriend to do my taxes... But she really wasn't Intuit.
What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale? A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
I wish I felt as much passion for something as my dogs feel towards the doorbell.
Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over? Me- Because I fucked your mom? Cop- Get out of the car! Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?
How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? "Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill."
I'm like Superman. When people see me out in public I'm always in the same outfit.
People post so many jokes on here but I have yet to see mention of the biggest joke on this earth. The American healthcare system. ba dum tss
Tell me your story, park-giant-truck-diagonally guy. Things will never get better if we don't dialogue.
My pet mouse "Elvis" has died :( He was caught in a trap.......
I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last. My current wife hates it when I talk like that.
Whats Marios favorite type of jeans? denim denim denim!
"Daddy, I-" *presses button for soundproof backseat divider Wife: "HOW MUCH DID-" *presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Whats red, 10 inches long, and makes your girlfriend cry when you put it in her mouth? her miscarriage
If orange is the new black? then Donald Trump is black
Twilight and Hostess are over. It's a sad day for fat girls.
I purchased a gross of condoms... There were only 140 in the box!  Ruined my whole weekend.
If I got $1 every time somebody called me sexist I would walk free of a rape case
My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence
Someday I'd love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The Buddhist's Root Canal Why did the Buddhist refuse novocaine during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
What did the person say when a flood struck his house? Damn it!
Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I'd prefer if you used the term "handsomely-challenged"
Mao Zedong, Stalin, Hitler, and Ellen Pao walk into a bar... (user was banned for this post)
What do English class and a UFO have in common? Zeugma, tmesis, and polyptoton call it home!
We went camping at Yellowstone National Park on a moonless night. It was in tents.
You know Christa McAuliffe had blue eyes. One blue this way and one blue that way.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone's house in one night me: warp speed 4 y/o: warp speed isn't real me: neither is Santa go to sleep
What did the gynecologist say to his sedated patient? I don't know, his voice was muffled.
So I realized why the large iPhone is called the 6 plus If you sit on it, you'll realize is actually a 3+3.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Q: Why did the sheriff arrest the tree? A: Because its leaves rustled.
You want to know my favorite letter in the gangsta's alphabet? GHETT-O!
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken.
Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
When does a horse neigh? Whinny wants to!
Why do all the elements get cranky once a month? Cause they are on their periodic table.
Hackgate: Patriots hacked Seattle headsets and knew they were going to throw the ball.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off. Well, you can't blame them. They don't make much money, they just keep the tips.
I'm going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
I'm gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I think I CAN wander the restaurant with my robe open and eat off of your plate, sir. This is Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family.
What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby  snake? Stop crying and viper your nose.
How do you know Putin's doing well this election? He's taking over the Poles.
Today Grindr went down on thousands of people... Fortunately, there was no interruption in service.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Wouldn't that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? "So retro!", you'd think as you were vaporized.
What do you call a computer with an amazing singing voice? A Dell.
A man walks into a sperm bank, The lady at the desk says, "Get a load of this guy."
what did the leper say to the hooker Keep the tip.
A good comedian is like a good dictatorship. Consistent in their execution.
I'm at the phase of Christmas where I'm looking at stuff in my house and going "I could just wrap that."
Whats the difference between a pun, and a fart? One is a shift of wit and the other is a whiff of shit.
What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut :-D
Oh Jesus another fuckin day, they just keep comin.
If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard how many hours would it take three pigs? None because the six pigs have already eaten them all.
I know she wanted to be cremated, and I know she didn't want a formal funeral... ...But was a "Family Barbecue" really the best idea?
What does an excited Japanese horse say? Oshio des neighhhhh
My brain is not equipped with facial or name recognition technology.
Knock, Knock. &gt; Who's there? &gt; The secret of Comedy. &gt; The secret of Co.. &gt; (interrupting) TIMING!
What is the most sensitive part of your body when you are having a wank? Your ears.
Why does LeVar Burton not like to travel by airplane? He usually flies twice as high.
What did the male computer say to the female computer? He said: "Ay gurl, I'd like to put my twisted-pair cable into your RJ45 jack so I can fill you up with my sweet, sweet data frames".
What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book? He removed the appendix!
"Are you already hot as shit? Then you'll look hot as shit in our glasses" - Every glasses ad
someone asked : are you coming? me: No, but I'm breathing fast... them: me: them: me: I guess I'll save that one for Twitter
100 years ago, 20 white men chasing a black man was called the Klu Klux Klan. Now it's called the F1.
Why did the Mexican civil war last so long? Because they were fighting Juan on Juan.
What do you call a Trump supporter on a Friday night? A bad person
whats the difference between the duke of york and Katy price? the duke of York only had 10,000 men
me: it smells like updog in here me: what's updog me: not much dog what's up with you lmao me: lol therapist: I see
If someone wants something their whole life, and you make it happen after they die, that is so goddamned mean. What are you even thinking
Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants ?  They always want to play leap frog with him
It all The title says it all.
Saw two elementary students get in a fistfight so as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance
Spent an extra 7 bucks on gas trying to get it to stop at an even amount
I'll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
What's the difference between a Goodyear tire and 365 condoms? One is a Goodyear and one is a great year
What do you call a one-night stand? A humpty-dumpty!
Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans cant milk a cow for 16 years.
How does Germany pay for all these refugees? Krautfunding.
I want to do for the unibrow what Hitler did for the little moustache.
I used to have a job impersonating a German composer. Bach in the day!. (I take no credit for this - as I read it in a magazine)
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
6yo: I can't wait to be an adult! Me: Adults don't get snow days. 6yo *faints*
Why is it NASA has never sent a woman to the moon? It don't need cleaning!
Being an amputee... On one hand it has its benefits, but on the oth-
The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..
i never make jokes about domestic violence they really hit close to home
Wonders why women spend so much on sunglasses? Wouldn't it be cheaper to tint the kitchen windows?
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
Why did Erdogan stop a man from jumping off a bridge? One does not simply fly in Turkish airspace without Erdogan's permission.
What's the most well mannered dinosaur? A plesiosaur.
[On a date] Date: So what do you do? Me: I'm a taxidermist Date: Oh... wow. Fox: And a ventriloquist
What's green and smells like pork? Kermits finger
Some bastard stole my penis warmer off the washing line last night... I'm not bothered about the penis warmer, I would just like the 30 pegs back.
Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla? He didn't want to taco 'bout it
Satan had a busy Christmas... He got a lot of letters from dyslexia kids
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis. Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
When does a black person goes to school? When it's being built!
I want to become a politician when I grow up  so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire but I've only come up with one: Lying.
My wife fell down a wishing well... I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7! Doctor: Well that's good, it means you're healthy. Man: You'd think so, but I don't wake up until 8am!
What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A computer doesn't complain when you push a 3 1/2" floppy into it.
What did the beef broth say to the chicken broth? What flavor au jus?
Some collage just called me saying they accepted me to their collage..
Bye bye Wheaties Bruce Jenner just signed a promotional contact with Quaker State. They're going to start putting his face on every quart of Tranny Fluid.
I`m not working for Blackberry... But I`ve got a RIM job.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow? Get the bitch a shovel.
I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
What do you tell a cow that's in the way? Mooooooooooooove.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Here's a quick joke for all you telepathic people out there.
What do you do if you fiend King Kong in the  kitchen? Just don't monkey with him.
Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.
Must have been a tough childhood for the Redskins quarterback... Growing up knowing your parents are Cousins.
Why are teenage girls so odd? Because they can't even
I'd say popping your trunk to release 10,000 butterflies is the most magical way to elude the cops.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration. Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown. Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
She was only an undertaker's daughter ... ... but she knew how to handle a stiff
In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. I returned it. Now where to spend my $608?
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun? Frank
Is it just me, or are birds really popular lately? I know several people who are having "superb owl" parties next month
why was Elsa afraid of Sven? because Sven eight nine! hahahahahahahahaha...
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
So I bought this cheap brand of toilet paper... They called it velvet soft. It should have been called James Bond 007. Because every time after I use it, I lift my hand up and I've got a GoldFinger.
Hey, you wanna win? Nah, we'll pass.
Chrysler is recalling over 24,000 vehicles due to unexpected brake failure that could put many unsatisfied customers out of their misery.
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins? Society
Why do white people shop from black people's yard sales? To get their stuff back.
Marriage... a relationship between a person who's always right and her husband.
Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I'm outta here! Judge: Litigator! Lawyer: After a while crocodile.
I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
*training the dog to sit* Me: So you're already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.
"A man in a wheelchair walks into the room..." Um, teacher? (*true story, just happened!*)
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said ''So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because YOLO
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I'm too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Where do you drown hipsters? In the mainstream
My Terrible Joke How do you know that a dinosaur ate Kel for breakfast? Because there was a kellogg in the toilet
The definition of Baroque: A time when there is no Monet.
I saw a UFO yesterday. So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with.
For Halloween, I've decided to go as the scariest thing I could think of Hillary J. Trump
It's okay when Daisy Duck walks around in high heels and with no pants on but when I do it people are all "this is a church, young lady."
My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet.
Fucking terrorists. I guess I can't google "nice truck" anymore to find out about the latest pickups on the market....
What boxer's nickname is EEEEE? Mohammad Ali All-E
What is your favorite dumb joke? Mine would have to be Why did sally fall out of the tree? Because she had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not sally.
Where did they hang Speedy Gonzalez? At the pico de gallows.
Why do many kids die in school massacres Because they can't run in halls
I hate people who say 'Age is just a number'  Age is clearly a word.
Why are there so many Redditor archeologists? Because /r/jokes loves digging up the past.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Why did God create men ? Because dildos can't take out the trash.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? When it comes to the police car, all the pricks are on the inside!
Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book? Wok this way.
Trump is still #1 in Polls after the Republican Debate Oh wait, wrong sub-forum.
There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses. 
I was at the inventor of the USB stick's funeral yesterday..... They lowered his coffin into the ground, then raised it back up, turned it around, and lowered it back down again.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Hose A and Hose B
Why Russians never drive stick shift? They really hate Stalin
What is a wock? Something you throw a wabbits.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves #2 Fuck her right in the pussy.
Don't know what to do Wife : Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do? Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....
Some people have 32 teeth. Others have 10. It's simple meth.
there should be a jail just for people that don't break apart kit kats before they eat them
When I was young, I played the triangle in a reggae band. I just used to stand at the back 'n' ting.
I tied a rope and swallowed it I shit you knot!
My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".
My 17 yr old grandpa joined the navy during WWII b/c "he figured if the boat got shot he'd drown, &not have to worry about any other stuff."
This oatmeal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and I'm eating bacon.
Sorting out Problems Remember, whenever you have a problem with someone, use hydrochloric acid. It's always a solution.
People asked me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
How do you sink a polish war ship? You put it in water
Wanna hear a joke? My ex wife still misses me...
my penis was being a dick so..... i told him to grow up
How do Religious Education teachers mark exams? With spirit levels.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root Beer
Weight loss tip: Don't eat so much you fat piece of shit.
Why is the Democratic electoral landscape like a Moebius strip? Cause no matter what you do, there always seems to be a Clinton claiming to be "on your side" . . .
Him:I'm not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning Me:don't be so hasty darling...give them another chance
Sometimes I feel so alone, and then I remember I'm a part of the biggest, most reliable 4G network in the country.
What is the difference between a joke and three dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she's holding a grenade !
Two jews walk into a bar and buy it.
Two dogs on a coffee break *Dogs on coffee break* Dog 1: Heard a great joke. Dog 2: Oh yeah? Dog 1: Knock kn- *Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts*
Definition of a best friend He goes out and gets two blow jobs and comes back and gives you one.
Why aren't pigs invited to black tie events? Haven't you ever seen pig's tie? It's filthy!
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Nothing makes me more aware of my multiple personalities than listening to my entire iPod playlist on shuffle.
It's unwise to cut down a forest on your own. It usually takes tree fellers or more.
So there is a friend of mine who invited me to a swinger party I asked him "how many people will there be ?" "Bring your wife and we'll be three" he said
What kind of joke do peeping Toms like? In-ya-window
I'm just back from Conspiracy Theory Club. You won't believe the first rule.
My wife texted me at lunch "Window's frozen" "Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied. Ten minutes later, she called back. "We need a new computer now".
A row machine that actually moves around the gym.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel
I'm half Asian. All white people are. But my Cauc part is bigger.
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? A couple calves, an ass, ten little piggies, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!
Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bootie ! Bootie who ? Bootieful downtown Burbank !
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates, His poems weren't always first rate, His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had, Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you got picked on in high school? Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My friend said he had a hole in his sock. I replied, "Darn it!"
People who like being photographed in natural light.. ..should be taken outside and shot.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
I taught my maths class how to use a protractor, with varying degrees of success.
Doctor, Doctor... I have a steering wheel in my pants. It's driving me nuts!
Weekend's coming up. Time to surf the real world.
I wish I had the self-confidence and assertiveness of the Adobe Acrobat updater.
You know what really grinds my gears? Oxidation
There should be a second 'The Ugly Duckling' written Benjamin Button-style for all the cute kids that turn out ugly.
I live next door to a hacker. I wish he'd cut back on smoking.
I'm thinking of changing career and becoming a professional circumciser. . . The pay is lousy, but I hear you get plenty of tips.
I've been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
I've always lived by the motto 'work hard, play hard' But the HR department is starting to get concerned and the guys I ball with at the gym hate when I guard them
Two men are running and they pass a bar Eventually the get tired, and stop. They then agree that they need more than two people on their relay team.
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar... He orders a drink
I could never be in a hardcore band because I'd feel awkward putting a sticker up in every bathroom stall I enter.
(original) What hit song did Phil Collins write the after a big dinner at an Indian restaurant? I can feel it coming In The Air Tonight, Oh Lord!
*pokes forehead* Is this thing on ?
I have a very obedient dog, whenever I tell him 'Are you coming with me or not?', he is coming with me. Or not.
I love doing laundry... It's the only time you can separate the whites from the coloreds and no one gets offended.
I was in chemistry class with my lab partner... ...and asked him if he wanted some sodium bromide, but to my disappointment, he said NaBro
What did the Spanish firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Hose B
Did you hear about the peanut in the hospital? He was assaulted.
Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
What do you say to a handicapped dog? "Stay"
What did the sadist say to the masochist? No Probably has been put on here before but it made me chuckle.
What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus? Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.
*dad bursts into my room and puts me in a headlock* "Why didn't you 'Like' the Grumpy Cat meme I posted on Facebook, you son of a bitch?"
What do you call a Protestant in Greece? Unorthodox
I'm not saying I'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?
I always wanted to marry a girl with nice big melons... Too bad she cantalope :(
What is a baby bee ? A little humbug !
A one word joke: Lysdexia.
I like my women how i like my coffee Without a penis.
who has two thumbs and loves stupid bets?? not me i lost mine in a bet
I do not discriminate between white-collar and blue-collar workers Because I am collar-blind.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There's no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Why are white girls so odd? Because they "can't even!"
I'd like to explain what happened before the big bang Unfortunately there's no time
What did the sick fish say when he got sick? "I've cod a cold."
I've recently been diagnosed as delusional. Edit: Thanks for my first Reddit gold, people!
Why didn't the man buy Velcro shoes? ....because they were a rip off
a man walked into a bar... ...the other one ducked
I once unknowingly dated a transvestite ignoring all the clues Such as her name being Amanda.
When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.
I used to be addicted to soap... But now I'm clean.
I'm just a naked guy in an elm tree noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window.
You guys, The Hunger Games movie is distracting us from reality- which is, of course, The Hunger Games.
There's a difference between having a unique name and a regular name that's spelled wrong.
What do you do with dead atoms? Barium
How many square feet are in the average NYC apartment? Zero. Feet are feet shaped.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I'll become beautiful.
What's the difference between a divorce and a tornado in the south? Nothing. Either way someone is going to lose a trailer
What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee? A sheep.
Give a man a fish... Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to google, he quits asking dumbass questions.
Tomorrow you should turn back our clocks one hour. for Daylight Saving Time Unless you're Arabic, in which case you should set it forward 14 centuries.
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine
A Little Chemistry Humor Before Finals *Billy was a chemist's son, but now he is no more; what he thought was H2O was H2SO4, hey! *Singing it is more fun
I went for a job interview in a Art Gallery today, but the interviewers seemed to hate everything about me. I didn't really paint a good picture of myself.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
What's your father's name? Teacher: What's your father's name? Kid: Joke!! Teacher: (irritatingly) are you kidding? kid: Nopes, he's my brother, I am joking!!
What did the Mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bedtime.
I robbed a lamppost with words printed on it. It's ok, I didn't get in trouble though. You don't get karma from text posts.
[blind date] HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date? ME: hey!! You're not blind!!
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the bulb has to be large enough.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7 They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles The Ninja Turtles corner him Mario jumps on them all
What's a Canadian's favorite board game? Sorry!
You hear the one about the two guys who stole the calendar? They each got 6 months
There are two types of people in this world. Those who finish what they start
Chuck Norris donates blood, just not his own
What did Woody say to Buzz? A lot. There were 3 movies.
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink? The fun guy
My wifi has been down for the past few days... My wifi has been down for the past few days so I've been conversing with my family. They're actually pretty cool.
What do the final scene of titanic and the iPhone 7 have in common? They both could've fit the jack
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Isn't setting your Twitter feed to 'private' kinda like putting a velvet rope in front of an Arby's?
What would you rather bea or wasp?
I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting.
I would settle for life handing me anything citrus right now.
I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Kids wont go to sleep so I'm playing hide&seek. And now they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.
I hope farmers are as disappointed as I am by the kinds of people at the farmer's market.
Did you hear about the blood drive organizer from Portland who died in a car crash? He was an Oregon donor.
[NSFW]Honey, I bought flavored condoms... - ... switch off the lights and guess the flavor! - Sardines with cheese! - Wait for me to put it on!
Blood is thicker than water. But maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. I said it.
I always read my wife's Horoscope to see what kind of day I'M going to have.
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well
A blonde was asked why her list skipped every other number... She replied I can't even
What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert? He was forced to resort to excessive violins.
The pound is way more fun than the zoo They change out the animals every week!
Falling coconuts kill more people than falling sharks.
Polish remover Hitler. The game Sequence has a wicked sense of humor.
What's a bulimic cheerleaders favourite restaurant? In'n'Out Burger
What do you call an animal that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
Why are there no good jokes about men? Because they were written by women.
What do you give to the man who has everything? Penicillin.
When I shake hands with a fat guy I don't like, I do it extra hard to get a good moob bounce going
Want to hear a funny joke? Civil Rights. For Anyone.
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves. http://imgur.com/gallery/8u6m2Nv
Why can't a vegetable win an argument? Cuz he always uses a straw, man!
the craziest thing about today's story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Q: Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator? A: He didn't want to see the salad dressing.
the best true fact about 'titanic' is that on the final night of shooting the entire crew was drugged with pcp. that's not a joke
Why they never refuel in Fast and Furious? Vin Diesel
You should trust Benjamin Franklin's judgment He's always right on the money.
What's the 4th grade essay in the Detroit School District? What I want to be *if* I grow up.
At an AC/DC concert... Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock? Crowd: YESSSSSS Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!
CASHIER: $57.85 ME: do u accept food stamps C: of course M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic corn-husker? One of them has the fits while shucking.
Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg "Excuse me ma'am, do you work here?" Me: *grabs another donut & runs*
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in? A: A noose.
(Mild GoT spoilers) Why is Hodor's real name Wylis? Because everyone wonders what he's talkin' bout.
Homeless &amp; unemployed cyborg law enforcer Hobocop
How much do pirates pay for piercings? A buccaneer!
France and Italy declare war on each other, who wins? Neither, Italy switches sides and France surrenders, both lose
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush. So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'
I have a Jewish friend who makes beer I guess you could say Hebrews
Pedophiles really get on my nerves... They're fucking immature assholes.
What do you call a Serbian prostitute? Slobodan Mikokubic
That awkward moment when you don't know what to do with your life when you leave the computer, so you just get back on.
One thing you always pay full price for is other people's mistakes...
What kind of horse can swim underwater  without coming up for air ? A seahorse !
My English teacher is living proof that Grammar Nazis still exist. Sorry... Alt-Write.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aileen ! Aileen who ? Aileen against my Rolls Royce!
There are three types of people in the world Those who can count, and those who can't
Yo mama is so fat, white and horny That when she bent over in Africa, wildlife conservation tried to breed her with a rhino.
As the judge said to the dentist: Do you  swear to pull the tooth the whole tooth and nothing but the  tooth?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
greasy... Q: Why are you so fat? A: From eating your mom's greasy pussy.
What happened to the Mexican after he took heroin for the third time? He over*dos*'d ^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^out
What do you call a nun who is outside her local calling area? *A roamin' Catholic.*
"Every time I go out, the paparazzi wants to make an oil painting of me. So annoying." - 1700s celebrity
Need Terrorism Jokes for a Terrorism and Communication class. Help a brother out!
Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/
Why didn't Russia return the NSA whistleblower to the United States? He was Snowden.
Why did America remove the "u" from "colour"? Because fuck u that's why
Your hands aren't tied down when you're at the dentist, you're allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers? They always miss the shot
Why do you have to wait so long for a  ghost train to come along? They only run a skeleton service.
Q: What did the tie say to the neck? A: I think I'll just hang around.
What do Asian people use as blindfolds? Shoe laces.
What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap? A farte
Me: I don't care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don't start cooperating. Wrapping paper: *rips*
Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year... I feel that December will be amazing
How do you get 100 babies into a bowl? A blender. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!
The TSA doesn't take compliments well... All I said was that the TSA was the **BOMB** and they wouldn't let me leave!
A horse walks into a French bar... ...and the barman says, "I'm afraid you will have to leave, Monsieur Horse. We do not serve food in here."
So confused right now, don't know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.
You haven't texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok?
What do old people with Alzheimer's often say? I don't remember.
Yo Mum Jokes! (The British "Yo Mama") http://www.peachdogjones.com/2013/01/14/21-yo-mum-jokes-british-humor
I just found out that my geology professor passed away... my sediments go out to his family
I farted loudly in an Apple store and everyone got really pissed off at me. But its not my fault they don't have windows.
Hey everyone look I'm really sorry because I know we JUST buried the casket but I'm 75% sure my wallet fell in there and I was wondering if
What kind of oranges do you take on a boat? Naval oranges. I'm^so^sorry.
I'm starting a magazine called "Jugs". It's mostly about pottery.
"Hi. I'm beautiful and love football and snuggling. Sucks about your broken wiener." -Viagra commercials
Why are boxers never late to their fights? Because they have developed very good punch quality.
Spoiler: Ramsay Bolton wouldn't be a good employer... Because he killed Osha.
[engineer looking at blueprints] "Well, here's your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll."
What would you doooooooo? for a klondike bar?
What's a thot's favorite animal? A cock-a-too! I'll show myself the door...
If women had to cum to make a baby , I'd never wear a condom! That on original . Your welcome
Why do Italian men grow moustaches? So they can look like their mothers.
What's worse than having your car impounded by the police? Impounding your mother
She left me 'cause of my obsession with double negatives. Guess she ain't never coming back.
"Knock, knock"" 2: "Who's there?" 1: "Europe." 2: "Europe who?" 1: "no ur a poo"
Brazil - Germany, the most embarrassing semi since... ... I watched Brokeback Mountain with my Dad.
What kind of computer is optimized for sad songs? A Dell.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
"I'm single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I'm still single, cuz I say shit like that?
So a chick is talking with a puppy "My mom is the nicest mom ever and keeps me warm" the chick says. The puppy frowns and says, "my mom's a bitch."
What has a million legs but can't walk? Jerry's Kids.
I found a pot of gold today... Au yeah
My friend has already lost 50 pounds last month on their new diet. It's called the "fruit machine" , I think I will have to try it.
ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help- NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN'T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
I tried to catch some fog this morning ... Mist.
Bad news from the doctor... Men: Doctor, how is my mother in law? Doctor: I have some bad news. Men: We can take her home, right? Doctor: Yes
do you know the difference between a government bond and a man? The bond matures.
Girls, I think it was Thomas Jefferson who once said; "Never put off for tomorrow, when you can put out today."
What's the best thing about duct tape? It turns no, no, no into Mm, Mm, Mmmm
I have the heart of a lion.. ..and a lifetime ban from the Toronto Zoo
How long does a dog's bark last? **Ruff**ly a second.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife is dead.
When you put the punchline before the rest of the joke. How do you know when you're a bad comedian?
Birds of a feather flock together... ...and then crap on your car.
What are the three rings of marriage? The first one is the engagement ring...the second one is the wedding ring...and the third one is the suffering.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a 'more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug'.
What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk? A mootation
(Job interview) "How would you describe yourself?" I'm very vague "Ok, can you be more specific?" No
What time is it when a clock strikes  thirteen? Time to get it fixed.
I've yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
My mom doesn't understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that's why. (Not blow)
What do anal and spinach have in common? Well, if you hated it as a kid, you're probably not gonna like it as an adult.
I used to be in a band called The Prevention. We weren't great. But we were better than The Cure.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
Me: So excited for the weekend! Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right M: Huh P: The weakened M: What P: What
He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.
Two fish are in a tank One turns to the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this?"
If I ever have to choose who dies, my mother or my dog, Toby's gotta go... ...straight for the throat
How do Egyptians warn each other about a spreading fire? Pyroglyphs.
Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa? Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.
How ironic is it... to die in the living room?
If I had more than one kid, I'd call the second kid ... ... etcetera. - Marilyn Manson in his 2013 interview with Larry King.
Me: Hello Teacher: Hello M: How's my kid doing in school? T: How's my kid doing in school? I hate parrot teacher conferences
I was running down a street and saw a bloke, I shouted "Run quick, some lions have escaped from the zoo."He said "which way are they heading?" I replied "Well, I'm not chasing the fuckers."
Wanna know the best joke ever? Read the top comments....
What did the booger say to the finger? Pick on someone your own size.
Where are the Golden State Warriors from? Chokeland.
I want to just be a couch potato tonight, but I'm too lazy to get on my couch. So I'm a floor potato.
A Higgs boson enters a church And the priest says, "I'm sorry, we don't allow Higgs bosons in churches" The Higgs replies, "but without me, you can't have mass"
How does an octopus go to war? Well-Armed
Daniel said his mother had one foot in the grave The other one had proved to difficult for workers to scrape off the motorway
Nothing says "I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade" more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
"LeBron has cramps"... I get those every month you baby.
How did Mario bring back his brother after he got a Game Over? He used a Luigi Board.
Repeat after me: It doesn't matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won't solve it.
What's the cheapest kind of noodle you can buy? Penne.
Doctor Doctor...people keep ignoring me.. Next pls... im here all wk.
Doctor Doctor I've just swallowed a  pen Well sit down and write your name!
Why do we all marry? - because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks? ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card? INTERVIEWER: holy shit
White people colonized 34 of the world looking for spices and they still can't season their food right.
I swear to god if I ever see a car exploding I'm going to walk away from it in slow-mo and hope that somebody is filming it on their iPhone.
First Guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.
What stops rape every time? Consent
What's the coldest part of a man's body? His balls. Two below.
Who names hurricanes? Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy?
Mack The Slice
why are dubstep artists so bad at fishing? They always drop the bass
"I maul out of love" - Bear Supply
How do you circumcise Luke Skywalker? Kick Princess Leia in the jaw.
What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his clothes? bleotch!!
I like my women like I like my vegetables: healthy and steaming hot..No, wait. I mean unconscious and lacking any cognitive function.
Teacher: What's the definition of a Polygamist? Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!
Secondary market that lets people sell their excess Twitter characters.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers
How do you know that there's a monster in your bath? You can't get the shower curtain closed.
I got raped by a troupe of mimes last night They performed unspeakable acts.
How many Mexicans do you need working in the kitchen? Just Juan.
Q:What should Iraq get for its air defense  system? A:A refund.
Twat did you say? I cunt hear you.
A local convent, which had no security system, suffered a kidnapping. No fence, nun taken.
They say robots are going to replace lawyers... Make sense, they don't have hearts
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Why are people so impressed with voice control? Women have been around for 100,000 years
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... And one turns to the other and says "Dude, I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"
*jumps from the earth to the moon* PARKOUR
Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!
Did you hear about the robbery at the flower shop? It was a violet crime.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT!
If this cat doesn't stop trying to lick my plate, we're having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
How are feminists and bad hacker groups similar? Both can't take down anything.
Today I played chess with some old men in the park. It was hard to round up 32 of them.
Sex is like math These days I'm doing it all by hand
A bIack man walks into a bar... and his cell mate laughs his ass off.
Little kids are so lucky; they don't have to pay rent or wear deodorant.
What did the deaf, blind, retarded kid get for Christmas Cancer.
this is your brain *an egg* this is your brain on drugs *egg in frying pan* this is your brain skateboarding *egg on a skateboard* haha nice
You don't need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip"
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.
What did the prostitutes left leg say to the other leg? Between you and me, we can make a lot of money!
Knock Knock. Who's not there? Not me.
Here's my favorite limerick. There once was a man from Nantuckett Whose dick was so long he could suck it Wiping cum from his chin He said with a grin If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it!
I was attacked by tiny bees.... The experience was belittling.
Want to play the rape game? "Nope" Ah, that's the spirit.
What do you call traffic in The Czech Republic? Praguetory
Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don't die alone.
*Approaches a guy reading "Catch Me If You Can"* I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin' cans.
David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words... it was published posthumeously.
After my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I decided to start thinking about names. In the end I went for Juan Carlos and hopped on the next flight to Spain.
Good women are found in every corner of the earth. Unfortunately earth is round.
What do cells say when their sister shoots their foot? Mitosis
Yesterday I saw a girl driving next to me while texting on her phone... I was so disgusted by her irresponsible driving that I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction? Jet fuel can't melt steel beams
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race
Glad they redesigned Gmail---I've been dying to compose an email farther to the right.
Why did Harry Potter's friends pick him up and pass him around on his birthday? They were playing pass the Parseltongue.
Every good story starts with a strong female character. You know, some heroin.
[cuddling] her: what are you thinking about? me: these pretzels are making me thirsty
A GIRL SAID.... TODAYS JOKES..A GIRL SAID TRUST ME....LOL
I rented a prostitute for $60 an hour, I paid her 50 cents.
Going to How to Train Your Dragon tomorrow... Or marriage guidance counselling as the wife calls it.
A man started to throw words beginning with 'th' at me I dodge this, then and there but I didn't see that coming - Tim Vine
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
How do you disappoint a redditor? [removed]
What does a tomato and a potato have in common? Both are red,except from the potato.
Have you heard of the beer Jesus made? Its called Hebrew.
her: what r u doing? me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have- her: oh god me:-a water filter.
[2 months into relationship] HER: you've changed ME: [proudly] showered, too
You know those giant sunflowers? The really tall ones? With the big, brown center? I killed my grandparents. And the yellow petals?
A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday.
Are you going to the BBQ? The one where I out my meat on your grill!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Did you hear the one about Phillip Hughes? He was the first Australian to die of a bowler.
Shipwrecked ! by Mandy Lifeboats
If time-outs have tought me anything, It's that doing something wrong gets you time for peace,quiet,and solidarity. In a place called jail.
*At Railway station Me : Can I get a return ticket please? Station attendant : Where to? Me : Here.
Life is like a packet of jelly beans Nobody likes the black ones
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza... They knead the dough.
Man, Helen Keller would have been fun to party with. She's always blacked out.
Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you Me: yes, he was not very friendly
How can you tell if a person is vegan They tell you the minute you meet them
Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby's. *waits for their birthday* Them: Thanks Aimee for the... *opens box* (cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
what's the best part about being a man? no .
"My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."
A blonde walked into the dentist office... ...and sat down in a chair. The dentist said: "Open Wide" "I can't" - The blonde said. - "This chair has arms"
It's like sex while camping.. it's fucking intense
(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?
Confucius say... Confucius say man with beard face rough time!
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.
What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of milk? 1%
I find it Hillaryous that the presidential candidates this year are so horrible. I wonder if either of them will pull out their Trump card to guarantee that win though.
What was the first treacherous thing said? Adam you gotta try this!
I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer "Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank"
What did one German baker say to the other? Glutentag!
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
It's impossible to describe why u are angry at a parent without sounding like a lunatic. "They wanted me to eat salad! Can u believe that?"
I'm not very good with pets. I had a pet rock once, but it ran away.
My Nana's ninety three, but she's living the dream. The one where you go out in just your underwear and your teeth fall out.
Just tried to switch to Bing. Google was like, "You can, but it'd be a real shame if some of your old searches got out."
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have any guts
I slipped and fell outside today... and when I got up, my wallet and keys were missing. Must've been black ice.
Hey people - learn to spell!!! I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Why are the Greeks so in debt? They demand credit for everything
black guy drank too much water and the black eyed peas
Michael: It's hard for my  sister to eat. Maureen: Why ? Michael: She can't bear to stop talking.
What do you get when you cross dirty double meanings with WWI? The Triple Entendre.
Nice Girls are found in every corner of the world... ...unfortunately, the world is round.
[Jokes] What's the difference between a garbanzo beans and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
Don't be that guy that tells people not to be "that guy."
So Kim Kardashian's arse is huge and has a lot of oil I wonder if America will invade it? Oh wait, my bad, half of America already has
I drank a pint of beer in Saudi Arabia the other day... ... It cost me an arm and a leg.
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care
why are computers so smart? because they listen to their mother board.
What's Ron Jeremy's favorite shape? Erectangle
Why did the bank robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.
King's Landing Tommen put the king's landing in King's Landing
The NFL has got some messed up rules Kill some dogs, go to jail, then come on back and play. But say the "N" word ...... You in big trouble sucka
What does it mean when a blind girl says you have a big penis? She's probably just pulling your leg!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity **It's impossible to put down**
Why do shower heads have 11 holes? Cause Jews only have ten fingers.
The Greek Economy Forever A Loan!
When it comes to Arab countries, the US is like that damaged girl who dates bad boys, "because I can change him."
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it 'cause I made it up.
I saw a Jewish Ghost last night... It was so scary I started to Shiva.
What is 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you'll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
"That's what." -She.
I wish I had parents like Dora They let that bitch go everywhere.
Sitting across from a table of cops at a restaurant and convinced im going to get arrested for how gross I look eating this chicken wrap
If the rapper Logic had an evil twin... His name would be Psycho-Logic.
does the voice recognition on your phone work i don't know im trying to submit a post on reddit please stop talking you're messing me up
What's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls? NHL Players shower after three periods.
Did you hear about the football team who ate  too much pudding ? They got jellygated !
What is Hitler's IP address? holocalhost
Standing in a park today wondering why a frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. And then it hit me! -Stewart Francis
I can't stand being in a wheelchair. ...
"I came, I saw, I left." - Premature ejaculator after visiting a porno shop.
Women to the left of me Women to the right of me That's when I realized I was in the wrong bathroom
Why did the blonde have an Abortion? She wasn't convinced the baby was hers.
[restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN
My wife treats me like an idol she feeds me burnt offerings
Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
What is a priest's favorite candy? Sacramentos
Want to hear a funny joke? Hold on, I'm just gonna hit snooze once then tell it.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ? Santa Jaws !
*at a concert* ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK (Crowd) "YEAAAAH" LETS DO THIS HIT IT *30 second ad plays first*
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? one is plastic and dangerous for your kids to play with, the other holds your groceries
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. The  first one says to the other "can you smell fish?".
Knock Knock Who's there ! Balanchine ! Balachine who ? Balachine act !
So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. Then things get tense.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Missing socks When you lose a sock in the wash or laundry hamper, the one that's left becomes more human than you know. It's looking for its sole mate.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Why did Sally the Sloth sleep in all day? Because her crippling depression leaves her unable to function properly.
A local man was arrested today for pouring Harpic all over the vicar. He's been charged with bleaching the priest.
The LIKE button: also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything.
What is them difference between a horse and a Harley Davidson? On a Harley, the dick is on the top.
Why does nobody like to sit next to Elsa? Coz...she "let's it go!"
While scrolling the front page I saw the most annoying thread ever It was coming out of the sweater I was wearing. That was my favorite sweater.
I can't get my dog to stop chasing people on bikes. I guess I'll have to take his bikes away.
What word that begins with "N" and ends with "R" do you never want to call a black person? Neighbor
What's Funnier then an Obama Joke? DEZ NUTZ!!!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Why is Jesus gay? Ahhh men
What happens after it rains in gotham city? a waynebow.
Elon Musk's new MasterCard Ad. Getting a person to Mars?: $100,000. Getting them back?: Priceless.
What are the similarities between the sun and a bikini 1. They are both hot 2. They both look better when going down and 3. They both go down at night
Usain Bolt's Girlfriend She pulled a fast one!
Reporter: Russell Wilson, do you want another Superbowl ring? Wilson: Nah I'll pass.
People are shitting on gorilla kid's mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could've run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When Hugh Hefner dies I don't think people will say he's in a better place.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Benin ! Benin who ? Benin hell!
Where does a Martian go for a drink? A Mars Bar
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a marathon full of feminists? The tribe of pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
I like birthdays but I think too many can kill you
Why am I ambivalent about a swimming pool? It just deepends.
Once a madman said "Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat?  Another madman said "Why should we worry we live in Hindustan."
Instead of being buried or cremated, I've arranged to be liquidized. I'm not going to any funeral I can't get drunk at.
My brother just threw a carton of milk at me wtf , how dairy
Obama has suspended fund raising activities In light of Mitt Romney's recent statements to the press, President Obama has decided to let Mitt Romney do his campaigning for him.
Went on a tour of a postcard factory yesterday.... It was ok, nothing to write home about
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts What do you call nuts on a chin? A dick in your mouth
Sunday. Fun day. One day. Done day. Monday. Fuck.
What do coffee beans say to scare their friends? Brew.
Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"
things I'm passionate about: The Rule of Threes, self referential humor, and the Oxford comma.
One night a burglar broke into my house All he got was practice.
A Nazi scientist walks into Burger King He asks for a Whopper, and the guy at the counter replies: "Don't you mean a *Heisenburger*?"
The police just knocked on my door They claimed my dog was chasing someone on a bike. I told them they must be mistaken. My dog doesn't even own a bike.
Well, I've been clean 6 days now. This 'showering' thing is amazing.
I have a buddy that likes to have sex with inanimate objects. We don't hang out much. He's always got stuff to do.
You need to log on to the window repair  website! I did - but it gave me a pane!
When do clocks die? When their time is up.
Why did the otter cross the road? To get to the OTTER side!
I could never cheat in a relationship... That would require TWO people finding me attractive. I can barely find one.
Why are they called The Fine Bros? Because they try to get everyone fined for copyright.
Taking Viagra for my sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Deer nuts are cheap they're under a buck.
What kind of bee makes milk Boo-Bee
Did you hear about the vegan cannibal? He only ate quadraplegics. Credit to: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2noeoo/what_bullshit_fact_can_you_come_up_with_that/cmfd0bj for the inspiration
The only thing I know about football is that Edgar Allen Poe is the coach of the Ravens.
The greatest joke of all: Your sex life.
A man sent ten puns to his friends, hoping at least one would make them laugh No pun in ten did.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Who never wants to be drawn at a raffle? Mohammed
Have you heard the tagline for the new Ghostbusters movie? Now with 400% more bust!
What do you call a running chicken? Poultry in motion.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Rick Rolled
What do you call a negative antelope? A Cantelope.
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar... It was tense.
What do you call a snake with a degree in engineering? A Boa Constructor
I was at the track yesterday. I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
*Eats a Lean Cuisine *20 minutes go by. *Devours entire Pizza Hut store...including employees.
IDEA: Cry HoleTM - the hole you can cry in
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
I invented a new word. Plagiarism. --- EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.
If I had a time machine I'd destroy the invention of autotune and say "good luck being famous now you talentless brats!"
I'm going to start a business in India, but have technical support staff in Boston. See how those fuckers like it.
So I decided to buy nineteen dollars worth of white guilt the other day... ...or as other people call it Twelve Years A Slave.
2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.
what's wrong if everything is all right? There's nothing left
I was offered a job working as medieval escort. Unfortunately, I turned it down because I would have to work fucking knights.
There's no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Why is it so hard for men to get on Christian Mingle? Only women get a "SUBMIT" button.
What did Hitler give to his daughter on her birthday An easy bake oven.
I just became a proud dad today... My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.
Why did the train go left? Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.
What did the smoked salmon say after it realised it was no longer ill? "I'm cured!"
Alan Rickman's grave was prepared many days ago... ... They've just been waiting for him to slither-in.
What do John Belushi, Jim Morrison, John Candy, Jimi, Hendrix, and Janice Joplin have in common? They all died Jung.
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Wanna hear a joke about unemployed people? Nevermind, they don't work.
Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today. I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He's like a tiny Republican senator.
I was gonna tell you a gay joke butt fuck it.
I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.
During lunch I asked my food server which salad she preferred. She said, "Either one! They're both amazeballs!" I got a hamburger.
What lies upside down a hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.
What kind of cereal does Ronda Rousey eat? Kix
If life gives you melons... You might be dyslexic
What fruit can't get married? CANTELOPE
Whats got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!
*Speed Dating* Him: Do you have any hobbies? Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard* "TAAA-DAAA!"
TIL Only three types of mammals go through menopause. The Blue Whale, The Beluga Whale, and You're Mom
If I had a time machine I'd go back and give myself a bunch of incorrect lotto numbers, and teach myself the value of hard work.
What did the German physicist use to drink his beer? Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.
Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
Why did the dog sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car. But they're having trouble installing windows.
How can you tell birds are afraid of heights? Because everytime they look down they shit themselves.
5 out of 6 people would recommend it... 5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I tried finding work as a Saudi executioner... ...but I couldn't get ahead.
I think the best way to prevent a polar bear from raping you is to just say "Yes!"
How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up? The rest of your life.
"Support bacteria  it's the only culture some people have!"
You know what the problem with biplanes is? You never know what direction they are going.
When I was young, I grew up in a theme park.. The theme of the park was trailer.
Awesome Moment when you are telling lie and your best friend notices and joins you . :)
When people ask why I have a "Trump 2016" sticker on my car I say it's for safety. When i'm pulled over, it's the quickest way to tell the Cop i'm white.
There are 3 type of peole in this world... Those who know how to count and those who do not know.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool.
How many Tourette's sufferers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fuck you god damn shit cunt just one of us asshole bitch bastard!
So a girl stopped to tell me that I'm full of myself I'm pretty sure she was just jealous that she wasn't full of my..self
New dog So I brought this new dog home that I got from a blacksmith yesterday. As soon as we got home it made a bolt for the door.
"That's a wrap, everybody." ~movie director identifying delicious food
HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE WILDERNESS: Call someone and have them come pick you up.
What does a duck smoke? Quack
if you take a selfie at a dad's funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
What do you call a family of redheads? Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That's ok because they've been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
3 1/2 Inches is the avg size a woman needs to be happy. MasterCard, Visa, American Express, ect...
So on your resume, under references, you wrote "it's a trap!", "do him job", "that rug really tied the room together, man" and "The Matrix"
Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.
Did you know that Will Smith is a black smith?
And then I realized, it's not that I love documentaries. I just love establishing shots of courthouses.
"Dad, where do zebras come from?" Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much
What do you call a fear of horned bovines? Aurochnophobia.
*Involved in high speed chase* *Uses turn signals*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard & theyre like this cereals hard damn right my cereals hard u should add milk so its not so sharp
If it was the Well Constructed Tower of Pisa, no one would give a shit.
When a transgender goes missing.. You put their photo on a carton of Half and Half.
Women should not be allowed to eat They always poop afterwards
Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?  He wanted to have a birthday potty!
Beauty and the Beast is an introvert's worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.
Cathy on FB is "feeling annoyed" and is asking why people even own cell phones if they're not gonna answer. Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Knock knock Who's there? Doctor About time! You're already ten!
Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream [dr] yup what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream
Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.
Why did H blow itself up? Because G had.
how many chefs does it take to change a,light bulb ? one to do it, and five others to tell him how they did it differently in their last kitchen.
I went to the zoo the other day. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
*grandpa in hospice* "son your generation relies on technology too much" "no gramps" *pulls the plug* "yours does." beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
When life gets tough, remember this: You were the strongest sperm.
My friend said trepanning is a bad idea... ...but it's okay, he's just close-minded.
My new job has me up at 1 AM every morning in my front yard with a glass of water and a paintbrush. It doesn't really pay much but I make dew.
I once went to an open air Queen concert. It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...
What's the fastest curry in the world? Usain Balti..
What do you call a pack of 8 Timbits? A Timbyte
What was the crow doing up on the telephone pole? He was making a long-distance caw.
Have you heard the rumor about butter? Nevermind... I wouldn't want to spread it
In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform.
He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I'm so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children? Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I wish gyms had a "montage" option
My hammer is alot like my dick... About 20 years old and hooks slightly to the left
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year. (   )
So a man walks through airport security... Man: Knock knock. AS: Who's there? Man: Alla. AS: Alla who? Man: Alla who akbar.
I saw a Muslim guy do a double backflip off his friend's shoulders today. It was sikh
How do you know you're at a gay BBQ? All the hot dogs taste like shit.
What goes up and never comes down? Your age!
What do you call an eskimo with no friends? An iglooser
My parents were like siblings. And according to the police that was, like, a problem.
What do we want? Doppler effect! When do we want it? nooaaaaAAAwwww!
What do you get when two Samoans Fall off a couch? Tufaloffahsofa
I wanted to become a dictator... but I was only partially qualified.
My math paper had a question involving finding the expectation of a die roll. It took me a moment to figure out what it means
Bernie has a fucked up Campaign Slogan. As a Jew, why the fuck would his campaign slogan be "Feel the Bern"? Love the guy, best canidate, a bit flawed and optimistic. Don't kill me bernie bros.
You know what the number one reason for child molestation is... sexy children
I wish I could go like Saddam Hussein did. Hanging out with his people
What can't you call a black priest Father...
What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't!
What's the hardest part about eating vegetables? The Wheelchair.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they're threatened at gunpoint
What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't.
*Frantically typing on google* 'How to do CPR' *Opens video, 30 second ad pops up* [To dying person] Ok just hold on a sec
What's white and in the men's 100M final? The lines.
Some choices are easier than others: An emergency doctor's appt vs a much needed hair appt. At least if I die my hair will be cute.
How many muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Sorry comments are unavailable on this joke.
What do you call the men I kidnap and jerk off against their will? Stroke Victims.
The Horses decided to form a Senate to govern themselves... But they could never get anything done. "All in favor, say Yay. All opposed, say neigh."
What does it mean if you find a horse shoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
I'm an Obama supporter but there's no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Did you hear the joke about Ebola? ...well you're probably not going to get it.
An unsung legacy of Bill Clinton's presidency is that since he left office, no sitting President has shot a load on a non-spouse.
I'm the kind of girl who won't stop until you're screaming your safeword. Related: Your safeword's the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I had a dream about Captain Crunch It was really cereal
Did you hear about the one-armed man that robbed the bank? He did it single-handedly.
Two fish in a tank... One says to the other "how the hell do you drive this thing?!"
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touch screen while I'm driving
Is zero dark thirty the combination to the hurt locker?
What's that difference between a pun and a dad joke? Dad jokes are punnier.
What's worse than male chauvinists? Women who don't shut up.
Why should you never invite a boxer to a party? He always throws the punch.
When you're down 'neath the sea, and an eel bites your knee... That's a moray!
I caught my kid jacking off the other day I told him if he kept it up he'd go blind. He said, "dad, I'm over here"
Some small people that I don't know think I'm strange To me they're a little stranger
What do you find at the end of a double rainbow? A group of gay men
Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better today! Camper: It should I practised all night!
[1st day as judge] Murderer: [waves at me] Me [waves back]: He seems nice Lawyer: He killed six people Me: He probably didn't mean it
When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me No
My grandpa flirting with a 91 year-old lady at his senior home. "You look young enough to be my daughter."
Best Blonde Joke Ever What is the funniest blonde joke you've ever heard?
[sprains my ankle] Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it? Me: Let me check Me: [to ankle] c'mon dude try it, it's only one cigarette
Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker "Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody."
I was driving one day and saw a field full of scrawny cows, and thought... ... so THAT's where beef jerky comes from.
My mate asked why I've got a Neo costume in my closet; so I told him about the time his sister said she'd only give it up for 'the one'...
Turns out "pick the biggest one & punch him in the face" gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn't do it anymore.
Who is the world s worst golfer? Hitler
What is close to stupidity? Mexico and Canada
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk into a bar... And the joke is on us.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.
A guard is patrolling when he sees something moving in the bushes.... "Who's in there?!" He yells He gets a reply "jean-claude van damme" All 4 of you,get out!
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
Knock Knock... Knock Knock Who's there? I have runnyeep I have runnyeep who? hahaha! (You have to say it out loud to get it)
Batman obsessively searches the freezer and Alfred says "What are you looking for!?" "Just-ice!"
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc DR DOG: I've got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
This guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere.
Underwear isn't protecting you from your pants. It's protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
my dick was in the guinness book of world records. then the librarian told me to take it out
What would a reddit restaurant be called? Chooters
I invented a motorized walking stick.. I call it the hurrycane.
AROMATHERAPY CONNUDRUM: Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing?
"And how's yer wife Pat?"  "Sure she do be awful sick."  "Is ut dangerous she is?"  "No she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!"
Pete and Repeat went into a bar, Pete came out who was left?
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask directions.
Some days, I wish I were robosexual, because if I was into bots, I would have all the luck on Tinder.
What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common? Someone's losing a trailer.
Did you hear about the constipated chancellor? He couldn't budge it :P
I had a dream I was in a part of the US that was filled with nothing but museums. It was State of the Art.
What is the definition of a farmer? Someone who is outstanding in his field.
A Sinking Boat Clinton, Nixon, and Reagan were on a sinking Boat. Reagan: Women &amp; Children go first Nixon: Fuck the Women! Clinton: You think we have time?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements* *forgets what they're called*
ME: i'd like to get rid of all this PERSONAL TRAINER: you're just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body ME: and my head
Idea: A non-violent stun gun that yells "Cuba Gooding, Jr. has an Oscar!"
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*Lowers thermostat* *Dad puts it back* *Lowers thermostat again* *Dad puts it back again* The real Cold War
Relax. You are not paranoid. People really do hate you.
Why is a baby so hard to blend? Because one hand is used to masturbate and the other hand is used to hold the video camera.
A man with dyslexia goes to the doctor and says, "I have been feeling a tad sick lately." He is immediately diagnosed with depression and lyme disease. EDIT: Correction
Love is like a fart If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Have you heard about the internet couple that broke up? They just didn't click together anymore.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who's suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I told my friend a chemistry joke. He didn't react... I wanted to tell my girlfriend, but SHe doesn't exist.
I Gave Up Cross Country Skiing. Ever since it's all been downhill.
What's the difference between a hand towel and toilet paper? "What?" "You aren't coming to my house"
What do you call a black guy who was stabbed by a Mexican? An ambulance.
Oh, you hate when guys stare at your boobs? You should call the police and report the person who ripped your top three buttons open then.
Why did the NSA spy on Germany ? Because after meeting with Merkel, they heard Obama say "I'd tap that".
What did Beethoven do when he died? Decompose.
What did one gay sperm say to the other? How are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?
A trip to the barbers... That'll put hairs on your chest.
Two men were walking on the train track One says to another: "I am exhausted man, let's walk for a bit." P.S: From a country rich with oil, but not good jokes - Azerbaijan
What would twitch.tv's mafia be called? El Kappa
Q: Why did the sheep jump into the lake? A: He wanted to take a ba-a-a-th.
What do you get when you eat all the potatoes? They're all gone!
What are the most racist jokes you know? There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died. What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool? Coco puffs.
Tell me a joke I've never heard before. Original jokes warmly welcomed!
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
If I got a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive .. .. I'd eventually be attractive.
Can't believe i actually met a guy named Dick Putinson
TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops wrong sub
[job int] "& what are your areas of weakness?" [leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers] "I don't like people touching my nose."
I've never been a great salesman I'll tell you that for free
There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.
if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like "kale satan" and "i love the dark gourd" and nobody would stop me
I was going on my first date and my mom gave me a whistle... I asked her what purpose does this serve to which she replied, "to remind you not to blow it."
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? 'Let us prey.'
Sex is like Indian food It can taste good, but also rupture your anus.
If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say? .RAR
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now! Cardboard Man: sigh not again *cops start breakdancing*
Q: What's the highest position in the Greek Navy? A: Rear Admiral!
Really Google auto-complete? You really think I want to search for 'hardcore poem'???
What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus? Santa goes down the chimney
Why did Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia never get together? Because Luke was looking for love in Alderaan places!!
Why does Shakira have such a hard time sleeping at night? Because her hips won't lie.
While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aardvark ! Aardvark who ? Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles !
A group of Germans walk into a BAR... after 20 rounds there are no survivors.
Why do Ethiopian girls give the best head? They always swallow.
I just tried out the Samsung Gear-VR with my Note 7. It was mind-blowing.
I once saw a black man walking down the street carrying a tv... ...And i thought to myself "huh, that one looks a lot like mine." Then I remembered mine was at home, shining my shoes.
NSFW A black third grader goes to his mom and says... "Mom I have the biggest dick in third grade. Is it because I'm black?" She replies, "no It's because you're 19".
My skateboarding career and Jon Snow have a lot in common. They both ended with an Ollie.
What's the three fastest ways of communication? Telephone, telegraph, and tell-a-woman.
What's the difference between a Women's cross country team and midget geniuses? The midget geniuses are cunning runts.
A white guy walks into a bar... exam. He passes and becomes a well respected lawyer.
Why can't Elvis Presley drive? 'Cause he's dead.
What's the difference betweens jews and Santa-Claus? Santa Claus comes down the chimney
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent
What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer. What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no eye deer. What do you call a blind deer with no legs or sexual organs? Still no fucking eye deer.
What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes? Americans don't get them.
[Insert Shitty Joke here] APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!
How many redditors does it take to answer an /r/askscience question? [deleted]
sorry i'm late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
What reindeer can jump higher than a house? They all can! Houses can't jump!
Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I'm suffering from their laziness
2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cent? Man that's Ludacris
How does Kris Kringle clean his hands? Santatizer
'Pampers' is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My wife and I recently bought a Great Dane, the smell around our house is absolutely disgusting. Every time he barks I shit myself.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking... and this [copilot starts sick beatbox] is your captain rapping ALL OUT OF FUEL ALL OUT
What do you say when you walk in on an East Indian woman dressing? Sari!
What happens if you steel? You have to get Alloy-er
Tell me how Dora can be completely bilingual at the age of five, but can't find a stupid apple on a tree behind her?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn't having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
She: "Give it to me, I'm soo wet! give it to me!" Me: She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.
I'm not a huge fan of Carrot Top.. ..but I give him props!
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head. (Get the reference?)
I figured out why Bono got in all that tax trouble. He got double U2s.
My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . . I came four or five times trying to wash it off.
"Daddy, why is it dark at night?" It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My favorite religion is that one that doesn't try to force their beliefs on you. What's that one called again?
Why can't the insecure fish sing well? He's never comfortable in his own scales.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I'm chubby.
I farted on the bus today and four people turned around I felt like I was on the voice.
What is Caitlyn Jenner's favorite song? More than a Woman by the BeeGees
Why does the Coast Guard have a 6 foot height requirement? So when their ship sinks they can walk back to shore.
Mom and Dad said I was bad for putting a cell phone in my vagina but I don't know why. I always come when I'm called.
Why did they stop the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.
Why Batman never joke into comedy. One rule: NO KILLING
10 inches The other day my wife and i were about to have sex for the first time. She said she wanted 10 inches and wanted it to hurt. So i stuck her 5 times then hit her with a brick
Some people hate the thought of adult diapers.... But I say, "It's just Depends."
What did the fucking zombie say? Crack whores.
Why can't the bicycle stand on its own ? Because its two tyred
What's grosser than gross, and sicker than sick? When you sit on Grampa's lap and he pops a boner.
An Irish man walks past a bar...
What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper
Her: How do you get girls? Me: I'm smart and funny. Her: That works? Me: No I'm terribly alone, I was just saying.
I can't think of a really bad joke to share /s
Katherine lost both her arms in an accident. Knock knock. Whose there? Not Katherine.
What's the difference between an Irish Catholic and a Roman Catholic? A few notches on the belt buckle.
How do you scare a bee? Boo bee. (Boobie - get it? - courtesy of my kids)
*hires sky writer* I K N O W Y O U A T E T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P. I W A N T A D I V O R C E K A R E N.
I need your best pickup lines I'm going to be in a contest where one section is about giving your best pickup lines. Do you have any good ones?
Are you made from Na, selenium and xenon? Because you are sodium SeXe. Edit: I have yet to zinc of another chemistry joke.
Brazil now has a new fool proof condom for Brazilian Men... It is shaped like a goalpost, so nothing of brazilian origin can get through!
I may be delusional, but at least every single person I've ever met is in love with me
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
A woman just dropped a 10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[OC] What is the pope's favorite mode of transportation? A mitre-cycle!
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one to have a dream got shot.
Why was Santa in the asylum? He lost his SANTAty
What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car? You get to the other side.
Whats a ghost's favorite kind of porn? Booookaki
I met a horse who keeps talking about the apocalypse. He told me the end is neigh.
How boring my life has become! The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my dog I'm getting his food ready!
how is my dick like a diamond? its the hardest substance on earth, it can't be crushed, and every girl dreams of having it.
What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? Age
You know why the fiscal year ends in March and not December? Because the next year starts with April Fools' day.
What is an alto's favorite drink? High C!
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb YOU DONT KNOW MAN! YOU WERENT THERE!! YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE!!!
I really think they should rename the "Twin" size mattress to "Jack", since it makes more sense along with the King and Queen sizes, and that's mostly what happens in that size bed anyway.
Why Are Mexican &amp; Black Jokes Overdone? Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!...I'm sorry, you can hate me if you wish. ;(
What did the grad students call the new Asian post-doc? The Yellow Fellow.
What do you call a constipated pop star A Bieber Dam
What do you call a bunch of unicorns? A unicornucopia.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
An insanely hot girl sat across me in the train this morning and our eyes met. I thought I'd have a raging boner. But then she had one first.
Two scientists walk into a bar The first scientist orders H2O. The second scientist says "Who the hell goes to a bar and orders water?"
The reason I married an Asian chick... Is so I get to eat Chinese every night.
You know what's fucking shit? A scat fetish
Why did the Chemist give up a singing career? He could not hit any of the ketones.
Why is your wife annoying? Because she is always jalapeno business.
Why shouldn't you get stoned and reddit?
Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what's not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.
Why was the scarecrow given an award? Cause he was out standing in his field
Q: What do you call a pickle that draws? A: A dillustrator.
What did Hitler say when he was asked where he would like to sit? He said "Mein Kampfy chair."
I'm a bit of a self deprecating comedian, I must admit, I'm not very good.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now... Where the fuck do I get some kids from?
Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace &choose; to pay for self destruction
Dates are like golf strokes The fewer it takes for you to score, the better your game.
Our choices in U.S. presidential candidates. If nobody laughs, it would just be sad.
Why couldn't Mike Tyson go to the laundromat? Because it was clothed.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph. Make sense? Welcome to Twitter.
The South is a magical place. It has the most wizards.
Who is the most basic Spice Girl? Pumpkin Spice.
What do the English and Hitler have in common? They both hate the Polish.
You don't need to hold a girl's hand during an abortion... There's a handrail next to the toilet.
I only eat beef raised on marijuana... I like it when the steaks are high.
Why did the chicken run into a well? Because it didn't see that well.
George Bush punches an inflatable flailing arm tube man at a car dealership. It swings back and knocks him unconcious
Babies are like Starbucks because they're expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey... ...along came a spider that sat down beside her and said, "what's in the bowl, bitch?"
I masterbate because I'm the only one with standards low enough to fuck me. - Bo Burnham
I am running out of people I actually like.
Can you tell me a joke existential in nature?
Im new to reddit S.O.S How did I asap Iraq.... I ran
I was about to make a sodium joke... but Na
How do you piss Voldemort off? play got your nose with him
Do you want to hear the funniest joke of 2015? I think its stupid but a lot of people say its funny. #blacklivesmatter
I hate people with erectile dysfunction no hard feelings
When i die, i want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep not screaming like the other passengers in the car.
How come when someone says "we need to talk" it's never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter? Because he might fiddle with your kids.
I like my coffee like i like my women raped and dismembered
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are on a sinking boat, who survives ? America
Holy shit, FREE BANANAS at Walmart if you walk around eating them while you shop!
I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'. I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.
Before you take advice from me... you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.
What's a Scottish transsexual's favourite drink? Mango Lassi
Why did the Hippy Drown? he was tooooo faaaaaaar oouuuuutttt maaaaaannnn
Why do all black people have nightmares? Because the last one to have a dream got shot.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Jesus take the wheel Carlos you take the stereo, and Roberto, you take lookout.
Why is the term "genitals" plural? Do I have another penis I'm not aware of?
TEACHER: That's the third time this week - please explain your tardiness ME: Well, it basically means that I've been late
What did Hitler do to people who didn't like his facial hair? He sent them to Stauschwitz.
What's the difference between pudding pops and bill Cosbys dick? It's consensual when people eat pudding pops.
I hate when I'm beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
All the adults who used to tell me "When you're older you'll understand" - I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers. Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I was going to make a joke about a carp that had hands But it was too metacarpal.
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for indecent jurisprudence? He got off on a technicality
How much weed is the appropriate amount to give as a gift at a baby shower?
What do you get when ant's parents won't let him marry his girlfriend? Antelopes.
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing set? She didn't know either
You think God hates crosses? If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I'd be pissed.
How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek? Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME
If you're on a motorized cart, I can't tell if you're disabled or just obese and lazy.
How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?  When you take careful aim.
When bae isn't bae anymore Baygon
Birthdays they keep track of how long you've been alive And how long you haven't been inside a vagina
I also have a Vampire joke, but I won't tell it to you. Because it sucks.
Did you know "orange" is the same word in both French & English? Why didn't they do that with every word and make it easier on everyone?
What's the difference between a baby and a pie? I didn't cum in the pie before I ate it.
what do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaaaaaaaaaaains...
Richard Nixon makes a really awful dinner for his wife. He defends himself by saying "I am not a cook".
What do guns and feminists have in common? They are very loud when triggered.
Yo mama so fat! Her Prius gets 12mpg.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his arse.
How much sex does Sister Mary get? Nunn.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmothers pussy? Sucking out thirteen and realizing you only put in twelve
How is a Mexican like a cue ball? The harder you hit 'em, the more English you get out of them.
China has a Great Wall And they have barely any Mexicans
Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.
Why is Santa's sack so big? .... he only comes once a year.
A Mexican man goes to the dentists. Dentist: I'm afraid it's bad news. You have tooth decay. Mexican: Tooth dewhat?
Your bad Bon-Bon jokes - post em What do you call a man with a spade on his head? .. Doug Got a set of tweezers as the toy as well. Hours of fun right there.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
What did the mayonnaise say to the man opening the fridge door? "Don't look. I'm dressing."
Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?
Have you got any broken biscuits? Yes I have. Well you shouldn't be so clumsy!
What's both blue and purple and never seen again? This thread :/
"Because Fuck you, that's why!" is a perfectly legitimate response to any question.
An egg with 28 followers says I'm not funny. So if you need me, I'll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
What do you call a big Irish spider? Paddy long legs
Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.
Knock knock. Who's there? The pilot, let me in! Credit to: /u/Squidward_On_Drugs on an AskReddit thread, wanted to share with r/jokes
Chemistry joke (not stupid) What's Avogadro's number? 0602211023 i^am^so^funny^why^you^read^this
I was trying to get over my fear of public speaking at a nudist colony. I just imagined everyone with their clothes on.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Why can't a bicycle stand on its on? Because its two tired
Keith Ape makes his mother a sandwich. She takes a bite and cries with joy. "This is amazing! What kind of sandwich is this?" She asks. "It cheese ma."
*gets to front of unemployment line* yes I'd like to be unemployed
The past, present and future walked into a bar... ... it was tense.
If a gay guy gets paralyzed... Is he a fruit or a vegetable?
[getting dating advice from my dad] Just be yourself and don't do anything stupid "Well which one is it?"
What would be the worst possible thing to see on Reddit after losing your family in a car crash? [removed] (two children)
[first date] ME: I'm having a great time HER: I'm not ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don't even let my dog in here, Janet
How do you stop hearing jokes written for 12 year olds? Unsubscribe from r/jokes!
The worst form of Alzheimer's is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I saw a pirate finally purchase Adobe Photoshop. He handed the cashier a hook and a peg.
Where does bad light end up? In a prism.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Hungry A man asks a hungry man what makes 2+2 Hungry : 4 loaves
My Dad just told me I looked like Jesus. I think he has a God complex.
How to flirt: 1. Giggle 2. Apply lip gloss 3. Look down coyly 4. Realize you applied concealer 5. Fall off barstool
My IQ came back negative.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I never ever make mitsakes.
Q: Did you hear about the 25 Irish  people that drowned? A: They were riverdancing.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night. From the dryer.
You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can't go with me to buy drugs
Women have always been selfish, even when they were created. They had to have 2 x-chromosomes not 1.
Please remove shoes in the foyer first. Second, your pants.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen, right? But what if she is Asian. Then it's Irene.
Birdhood A single shot film with no cuts and a running time of 12 years.
How are your step mother and a 17 in the card game 21 similar? You know you can't but you really want to hit it.
Teacher: you can be anything you want Me: Beyonce Her: well, not that (we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...) Me: Hi I'm Beyonce
Why didn't Napoleon qualify for the urgent marrow transplant? They couldn't get his bonepart
Bartender: What will you have? Me: Whiskey BT: Straight? Me: Except for that one time in college. BT: Me: BT: Me: How 'bout them Red Sox?
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Title.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why did Moses part his hair? To make a path for the Israelice.
What's the difference between a married woman and this joke? This joke sucks.
Which day of the week do ghosts like best?  Moandays.
Why did Angela Merkel ban use of crabgrass lawn treatments? She was told they would stop the "German nation"
On my cakeday... ... -1 2^3   and it was delicious!
Shall We Try Different Position Tonight? Wife: Shall We Try Different Position Tonight? Husband: "Excellent idea!" Wife: OK YOU Stand at Sink and Wash Dishes AND I Will Lie On Sofa And Watch TV..;-p
Redmond WA --Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
What's the most dangerous animal in Alaska? Sarah Palin
Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.
Al Gore cried after having sex ... He released too many emissions.
How did the retarded sperm cell beat the normal one to the egg? He had a handicap.
Why was Santa's little helper  depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
How are a 9-volt battery and a girl's asshole similar? Even though you know you shouldn't you lick it anyway.
Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
I lost my dictionary today... I can't find the words to express how I feel.
What did the lesbian lumberjill say to her girlfriend? Have I got an ax to grind with you.
Friends: Let's roll a fatty Me: I have a name guys and pls don't
How is Debbie Reynolds like my penis? They both had a stroke when they saw Carrie Fishers body.
Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats  anything. Especially fond of children.
A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can't spell are idiots .. The other 50% said "that's ridiclious!"
If you fall, I'll be there. Love, The floor.
What comes after 69 ? Mouthwash
(Don't let her know you can't read) Yes I'll have this *points to menu* -So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more? Shit
I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign "Stroke Patients Here" meant something different.
Why do they carry Marines around on Naval ships? Because sheep would be too obvious.
Did you hear that Sean Connery tried out speed-dating but he ended up making all his dates sick? He was told it was a shingles club.
Do you ever just stop and think about how snowmen standing out in the snow is like humans standing outside while it rains bits of flesh
I think I'm going to take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it...
You Can Tune a Piano but You Can't Tuna Fish
A duck walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender says "cash or credit ?"... ...the ducks says "put it on my bill".
I make weak food puns They're never stroganoff.
"You haven't listened to a word I've said." Strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Blind People: at your next barbecue hold an ear of corn up and yell "WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?" (non-blind people: please read this to blinds)
My priest's been buying tonnes of kittens lately... I think he's a Cat-a-holic.
What are the longest hairs in the body? Nose hairs, because pulling them out is a pain in the ass.
Sometimes I like to stand in front of a mirror and reflect.
whats the difference between an old dirty subway and a lobster with breast implants one is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.
I give frequent lectures about informative and interesting topics underwater. For academic porpoises.
Did you hear about the hillbilly who  asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.
(NSFW) I was eating pussy when... I tasted horse semen. It was only then that I realized how my sister had died.
If at first you don't succeed, get her drunk.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.
What's the one car that gingers can't have? A Kia Soul.
Why did the metal worker at the recycling plant quit? His job was soda-pressing
Saw a cow jump over a barbed wire fence today... It was udder destruction.
A prisoner got out of his cell. Warden : Close all the exits. after 10 minutes the prisoner escaped Warden : How the hell did he escaped? Guard : He went through the entrance.
[text from friend) Her: You doing okay? Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Im the guy that says "Is he bothering you?" when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
How do you keep the entire front page of Reddit in suspense?
What happened to the frog's car? It was toad.
NSFW What do jesus and girls have in common? The expression on their faces when they got nailed.
Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States? Because Missouri loves company
What do you do if you see a nigger shot 50 times? Stop laughing and reload.
I had to stop drinking. I kept getting that thing where you feel sick and your head hurts... Depression.
Whats the gay man's favorite Civil War Battle? Manasses.
I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don't want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo.... okay. yeah. This works. I'll hang here. - Baby
children are cool because they're the perfect height for me to fart directly into their mouths without having to really exert myself
My friend just joined a Reggae band, he plays the triangle. He says it's pretty easy, all he has to do is... Sit at the back and ting.
"Don't make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
What does a hawk call a high ledge A *falcony!*
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two, but you can't get them out.
I was flipping through the channels.... and my wife asked was on the TV. I said "dust" And that's how the fight started.
First blowjob Guy: I got my first blowjob today. Friend: Was she good? Guy: She sucks.
What's the joke where the punchline is 'thats the punch-line' ? This is no joke.
Go deep throat a cactus.
Q: Where do books sleep? A: Under their covers.
Who is the communist leader of r/Jokes ? Chairman Lmao
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number"
An anagram of Ellen Poe is Allen Poe.. Quoth the Reddit...nevermore
My local police chief does a talk on heroin... So you can't understand any of it.
My cat sleeps on the refrigerator... I get to see her every 30 min
Probably not the first time you heard this. But, I have two very good qualities. One is memory, and I forgot the other one.
Hahaha stupid person... When it says 55mph it really means 64mph.........Idiot turtle person
Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009 What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony? One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two - but how'd they get in there?
What's a soldier's least favorite car company? KIA
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store
Why couldn't the blind black man play hockey? Because he was black.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The NY Jets website is down... apparently they can't put together 3 w's
He goes out for a run, and doesn't even stop to sniff any crotches. Humans are weird. ~Dogs.
What do you call a lizard who can't easily have sex? A reptile dysfunction
What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower?  A bat mat.
LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon."
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy? ZEUS: don't- HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Oil is so cheap nowadays That I have 5 unused bottles of lube
I remember my marriage like I remember yesterday Wait, what happened yesterday?
What did the mouth say to the nose? Nothing; mouths can't ta... oh, wait...
Mimes give each other the unsilent treatment.
I bought some shoes off a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I rated that girl a 10 on the pH scale because she looked pretty basic.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.
I was reading a book about Anti-Gravity I just couldn't put it down
If I had a repost for every repost I saw on r/reposts... I'd have a lot of reposts
Who was the most well rounded knight of Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference
Desi Videshi SMS and Jokes Find and Read funny, hilarious desi videshi SMS and jokes. Enjoy your time.
The Reddit Button has ended, I'm de-pressed Looks like I waited too long
I went into a medical shop. "Have you got anything for irritation?" "Yes," he said, "But where exactly?" I said, "Fuck knows, you tell me. It's your shop."
What kind of meat does a priest eat on Fridays? Nun.
How will Donald Trump build such a huge wall without congressional approval? By forcing every Juan to work on it.
Q: How many British navy Officers does it  take to change a light bulb? A: Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
This spinach dip says 'best before 9/11' and i'm like wasn't everything?
ME: I fell in the shower. HIM: Send pics
Why did I break up with my spare change? It was too clingy
Have you heard of OS X Def Leppard? It runs on ARM.
Why do Gnomes always laugh when the run? Because the grass tickles their balls!
What's the difference between Lebron James and a dollar (USD)... A dollar gives you four quarters :-)
Mountain's aren't funny... They're hill areas.
Someone die? Time to get high! Come on down to Barry's Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave! (BYO shovel)
If Trump wins the presidency, what will be his reelection slogan in 2020? Make America decent again.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I'm a bad parent... A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
So I went to the club last night and asked a German girl for her number... and you'll never believe it! Her number is 999-999-9999!
What did the hail storm say to the roof?  -Hang onto your shingles this will be no ordinary sprinkles
Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don't eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.
What happened when two hydrogen atoms collided? The doctor had to heal-ium.
Wait, there's a big difference. Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill areas....sorry I had to share this cheesy joke I just overheard my coworker tell.
I caught my Grandma sucking my Grandad's cock last night. A bit weird, since I thought they buried it along with the rest of him.
So I have these lesbian neighbors... They asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and then got me a watch. I think they misunderstood me.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all
A grasshopper walks into a bar... A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, I got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "hey you got a drink named Steve?!"
I've been doing a lot of work around my yard, I hope my neighbours don't take a fence to it.
What does a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.
Q: Can gorillas swim? A: No.
[1st day as a paramedic] me: can you point to where it hurts cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? Cause he wanted to get along little doggie.
What do you call the Jewish Jamaican singer responsible for pouring the wine at synagogue? De Canter
What's the difference between a jar of mayonnaise and France? If you leave the jar alone for 200 years it'll develop a culture.
"It doesn't make any sense... but does it make a dollar?", says the marketing manager.
I can't believe we have a barack president. It's an obamanation!
*pulls fire alarm in apt building* *everyone runs outside* [Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Hooters needs to change its sign. All these years I thought I was eating owl wings.
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
What did one telepath say to the other telepath? Nothing.
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot, you assholes.
This joke's offensive to the blind and deaf. But how would they know?
Some of us are quiet because we're worried our thoughts might come out.
Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.
An Old Woman Commissions a Tombstone... ... she asks the carvers to write "born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin." It wouldn't fit on the face, so they just wrote "Returned unopened."
I recently heard a great joke about a boomerang, but not sure how it went. It'll come back to me.
can you start monday at 8? "yes, thank you for the opportunity" [calls new boss at his home on sunday night] hello? "am or pm?"
Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies? Orphans.
What do you call a guy who checks his blood sugar frequently? Sir Lance A. Lot
How do you defeat an American? Don't do anything, just place a mirror in front of them and see as they squirm.
I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.
What did the aorta say to the inferior vena cava Your so vain
Which U.S. state abbreviation is the best? I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK.
I don't trust Sperm Banks, so naturally I keep my semen hidden in my mattress.
Knuckle tattoo idea: BORN DEFORMED
Why do old men need Viagra? Because they are screwing old women!
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
I think im gonna be a comedian Coz my life is a joke :")
Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I'M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.
You can't joke with a kleptomaniac... They take everything, literally.
The drinking age in Alabama has changed to 25 Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high school
Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school? She wanted to be a nurse.
Why did the chicken cross the playground ? To get to the other slide
My Arabic neighbours are expecting.....they are having Ha-bibi.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roamin Catholic!
There's a new study out from the Department of Education... It shows that two thirds of Americans don't understand fractions and the other half don't care.
Why Make Your Bed? MOM: Make your bed! KID: Why make my bed if I'm gonna sleep in it again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass if your gonna poop again? KID: O_O
So it's the first of October. I wonder if anyone remembered to wake Green Day up?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one." - A poem by my eyebrows
A handsome man walks into a gay bar Everyone started putting their stool in!
Justice Scalia stated that he wants to be cremated after his death Millions of women are meeting now to discuss if that's what is best for his body.
How can you tell if someone with parkinsons has hypothermia? You can't. That's what makes it so funny.
Anyone wanna buy any budgies? I've got two round the house going cheep!
Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke. If you let her have more she might suck it too.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
What do you call 2 accountants having a threesome with a girl? Double-entry
"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes."
I had to give away peeve, my Great Dane. But I don't really care because once he grew up he was my biggest pet peeve.
A young boy goes to his father in Russia The boy asks "Papa, could I please have 5 rubles" Papa is surprised and asks "20 rubles? Why do you need 50 rubles?"
My dad just told me this one. What do Justin Beiber and Christmas trees have in common? Their balls are only for decoration.
Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free... ...or does he have toupee?
I hope Fatboy Slim dies on the Hollywood boulevard halfway between the gutter and the stars.
I ditched my ex gf. For lying. Lying under my best friend.
"You think I'm immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-" *holds up imaginary walky-talky* "Chhh-over."
I'd brag about my pride... But I'd be lion.
Church is the worst book club ever. We've been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven't even read it
Did you hear about Lance Armstrong having a threesome? He was killing two birds with one stone
Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.
Why did the yankee wolf like southern ladies? By the time they said "I'm not that kind of girl" they were.
Robocop: I am Robotcop Criminal: You don't say the t you robo moron R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
A child asks his dad... Child: "Dad, how high is that building?" Building: "If I'm already built, why am I called a building?" Dad: "Pretty damn high."
Did you know that more black men died in Vietnam than white men? It's all because when their sergeant would yell get down they would all start dancing.
Osama, Ghaddafi, and Kim Jong Il? Santa must be taking his naughty list a tad seriously this year.
Remember ladies; When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return 
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop... That's not a front for anything illegal I'm sure...
*slaps the cup out of the barista's hand* "No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy"
If video games actually influenced behaviour you'd see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.
What's the best way to sum up the 90's? 90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945
the last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the statue of liberty
Dora the Explorer... has a little Muslim friend named Doda... The Exploder.
What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control? Grandparents.
What comes after a farting competition? Farty!
I'm going to open a bank ... ... with a clawbar!
What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby? Go ask your mother
hAD SO MYCH COFFEE WHO wantS TO HELP ME STOP KONY LETS GO LETS STEAL A CAR BRO CMON
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham's sky] "Gordon needs me, the city needs me." [Robin waving flashlight around] "Oh wow look they need me too."
Police officer: When's your birthday? Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy... ten dash four PO: What year? Me: Ugh duh every year
When does it rain money? When there's change in the weather.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
So a horse walks into a bar... And the bartender says, "why the long face?" To which the horse replies, "I'm a raging alcoholic and it's destroying my family."
I just watched a knot making documentary, it was really good! Especially that ending, what a twist.
definately - Used when absolutely certain a guy named Nate is involved.
"I don't have a racist bone in my body!" --Riley Cooper's girlfriend postcoitus
Where do wind gusts go to on dates?  -To Chicago
You can't watch porn on the new iphone They took the jack off.
Talking to your Urologist... "Urine Trouble"
Whats the most popular breakfast food in Africa? Ebola cereal!
All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn't mean I'm getting old, right? Means I'm turning into a werewolf! Right?
What idiot called it "salad" and not "la sad"
Superman biggest weakness is not kryptonite. It's horses.
How do you make pickle bread? You need dill dough.
Abortions........ Really suck the life outta you
[at job interview] It says here that you are very hands on. Yes, sir, I am. Can you give me an example of this? *gently caresses his face*
Life's like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last very long for fat people.
My rock band got a gig at the baseball game. I played first bass.
ONLY 70S KIDS WILL REMEMBER THIS: Their parents doing cocaine while watching Jaws at full volume when you have a math quiz in the morning
That's great about your engagement, promotion and new car. I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry. Samsies!
Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and a impulse kayak - fuck forgot milk
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was arrested for manslaughter.
Why are Rhinoceroses so wrinkly? Because they're hard to iron.
Shoveling snow would be so much more fun if it were porn.
Why are Skeleton's so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did the Nazi with celiac disease say at the breakfast table? Excuse me, but is this cereal Glutenfrei?
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? Same time next month?
I'm a straight white guy who gets sad and is terrified of intimacy. Give me my own show! I am so unique!!!!!!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Don't you hate it when... The inferior sex accuses you of being misogynistic?
I just changed my iPhone's name to "Titanic" and plugged it in. It's syncing now.
A few years back I used to write jokes. I spent ages trying to make a boxing joke. I just couldn't come up with a punch line
What was the last phone call made from the Twin Towers? An order for two large plains.
It must really suck to be an Atheist named "Christian".
A man walked into a bar Ouch!
I don't know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I used to be into bestiality, sadism, and necrophilia... But eventually I realized I was beating a dead horse.
What did the surgeon tell Michael Jackson before he changed his skin colour? Everything's gonna be all white.
Three variations of "Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals." http://puu.sh/aTYoy/2e4a5f69b8.png
Susan froze to death. She was cremated It's what she would have wanted.
Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot
A friend wanted "cold hard cash" for his birthday So I gave him a $20 bill inside of a chunk of ice.
What do you call it when a guy fucks a girl and never calls her again? A hit and run
What's the best thing about dating a black girl? You don't have to meet her dad.
what if everyone's dick had its own little dick well see ya later
Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates? I guess that some people just want to see the world turn
Joke Knock knock! Who's there? Europe! Europe who? No! You're a poo!
Sorry I was late. I got stuck in internet traffic.
[nsfw] What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 2-year-old: An eagle! I'm going to save so much money on college.
Policeman:"Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen. Me: how Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I just invented a new word: plagiarism.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet. Unless its a white salmon.
Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don't believe in it. nigga I don't believe in having a job but I still go to work
The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The optimist says the glass is half full. The reposter says the glass is half full
How many seconds are there in a year? Twelve
This presentation was so boring I slept through most of it. I guess public speaking just isn't my thing.
It's like taking candy from a baby - A GOOD IDEA IF YOU DON'T WANT THE BABY TO LOSE ITS FEET TO DIABETES BEFORE IT TURNS ONE.
If Donald Trump becomes president all the immigrants nd their cultures gunna leave nd white people gunna be stuck with their nasty ass food
There's a fine line between being tan and looking like you were rolled in Doritos.
What cake wanted to rule the world?  Attila the Bun.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen's house.
Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud Yes sir, it's fresh ground!
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
Why can't you see Hippos hiding in trees? Because they're good at it.
Why did Vietnam revolt against the French? Because they knew they would Nguyen.
I have a dog. He has no legs. I named him "Cigarette." And everyday, I take him for a drag.
People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer
"i used to live in india, now I live in indiana" "is there a difference?" "na"
"You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar." -country music
Well, I guess I'll jump on the pirate train. What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? Finding a treasure chest with no booty.
I don't mind being back on my meds... I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighbourhood stopped talking to me.
My favorite pick up line/joke. Yo homeboy!? How about you be my Sherlock and I'll take you Holmessss!! ;)
The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high.
What happens when two pastries divorce? They have a custardy battle
An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so? Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.
What usually comes after the monster  lights the birthday candles? The fire department.
What is the difference between a fisherman  and a lazy student? One baits his hook the other hates his book.
A man lost $100 bill Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
what do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? *"I don't know. What?"* a condescending con descending.
I grew up to some pretty merciless parents... "Daddy, daddy, I think I have constipation!" "Well, tough shit, son."
An honest driving school would name itself How to Drive When Cops Are Around School.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week. Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I had sex with an escort once but it went horribly wrong. I burned my dick in the exhaust pipe.
Jared from subway lost his job the same way he got it. By getting into smaller pants.
Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Nevermid, it's too long.
You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
Let them know how much you care. This holiday season, say it with a mass text.
When your momma taught you to look both ways she didn't meaa taught you to look both ways she didn't mean be two faced.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
This morning I woke up, got out, and went for a five mile run That's the last time I try to push start a car by myself.
What is the difference between a golfer and a sky-diver? The golfer goes *WHACK!* "Shit!" The Sky-diver goes "Shit!" *WHACK!*
Stop editing ya'll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison. To this day he still isn't a free mason.
Pizza is like sex... Its better with the boys
What do prime numbers and white girls have in common? They literally can't even.
Why don't the Cubans have Olympic swimmers? Because they make it here.
A Muslim walks into a bar. No one survived the blast.
My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas. I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out "DEAR GOD MY BACK!"
A wise man once said, "Science bring people to the moon..." "...and planes bring people into buildings."
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
What's better than being the first Black President of the United States? Being the 45th white one.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.
I'm not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I'm just saying my dog's breath was minty fresh this morning.
santa claus visits everyone Q: What did Santa Clause say when he came down Lindsay Lohan's chimney and found her spending Christmas Eve with her pals Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton? A: Ho, ho, ho!
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.
When police tell you to put your hands up and stop running you can still legally flee with a rapid series of cartwheels.
I tried building a robotic midget... but it had a short circuit.
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You ever try to jelly it in her ass?
[day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan
HA! [That's close enough.](http://windows.microsoft.com/en-us/internet-explorer/downloads/ie-9/worldwide-languages)
Nachos on Christmas Eve. We're celebrating the birth of cheeses!
I only get laid because of who I am... A rapist! -Rodney Dangerfield, RIP
Why can't Jesus eat M&amp;M's? They fall through his hands.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
What do you call a crazy bug on the moon? A lunar tick.
Ever hear of a 68? It's like a 69, only you do me and I owe you one.
China's rise is terrifying: look at this list of casualties from Chinese military interventions over the last three decades http://i.imgur.com/WFsyTn8.png
Did you hear about the meteorologist competition? The losers got precipitation trophies.
What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.
Saudi Arabia refuses to even consider allowing women to drive "safety on the road is our first priority" said the King spokesman in a recent press conference
Apparently speed dating doesn't involve taking amphetamines. UGH. Worst night ever.
After seeing a picture on Reddit of the garbage near the Taj Mahal, I thought to myself "Wow can there BE a bigger shithole?" Then I saw the comments section
Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.
Help! I've been canned with preserved fruits! I guess you could say I'm in a jam.
Donald Trump is the president elect of the United States. I am still not sure if it belongs here or in r/politics (?)
Why are proteins so cranky? Because they're made of a mean ol' acids.
Doctor Doctor my little brother thinks he's a computer. Well bring him in so I can cure him. I can't I need to use him to finish my homework.
In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?
How do you stop an Internet troll? Seize their memes of production.
I showed an old lady my balls when I was at church today... It was a sacrilegious thing to do.
An angry Hillary storms into Satan's office and yells "You told me I was going to win!" Satan looks up from the paper and says, "Well, you told me you had a soul."
Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why is it on fire ?
Who was Noah's wife? Joan of Ark
Pravanth the Indian wife-beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM On the dot.
Q: Why must judges learn to spell well? A: They must follow the letter of the law.
It's called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Reddit's integrity
if squids were land animals sometimes you'd be walking along and you'd look up and BAM squid in a tree
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
I think we need to start a boycott of Michael Cera movies... until he plays the role he was born for: Ellen Degeneres.
Dead Alive Other
My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like "You're five years old? When I was your age I was six!"
What do Yoda's sheep say? Dey go baa.
What kind of weapon does a seasoned vet use? A salt rifle.
If you had to choose between having a love life, or a lifetime supply of pudding: How much chocolate pudding would you eat that first day?
How do you find will smith in a snow storm?? Just look for the fresh prints. BOOOM!
Why was the Easter Egg so happy? He just got laid by some chick!
What 'secret ingredient' do you add to your meals in order to improve the taste? I cumin it.
What did the Banana do when he was accused of drowning his children and slowly torturing his wife to death? He appealed. He *appealed*.
What has 9 arms &amp; sucks........ Def Lepard.
Did you hear about the sexually promiscuous deaf person? Turns out he got hearing aids.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
What do you get ...when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
What do the Greeks sing while at sea?    your boat, gently down the stream...
I recently gave up smoking. I'm really Indiana Jonesin' for a smoke.
To my friend who I cheat at cards against: I'm sorry, but I think uno me well enough.
I ran three miles today! Finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist
My doctor told me he appreciates my patience. I told him that I appreciate that he appreciates his patients.
Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?
A John gets crabs from a 10$ hooker... he goes back to complain, and the hooker tells him "what did you expect for 10$, lobster?"
When most people say, "I'm on a diet," what they mean is, "I eat exactly as much as I normally do, but now I feel guilty about it."
[calls up friend] Remember when you said I wouldn't ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news! "Okay, but why are you calling from jail?"
How we know that God is not an engineer When designing the human body, an engineer would not run a sewer line through a recreational area.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials? Because I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies....
Why did the hipster drown? Because he went ice-skating before it was cool (   )
How do you reply when someone on /r/askscience asks you on a date? [deleted]
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was "yesss" because I'm nosey.
What do you call a group of hoes in a bathroom? r/showerthoughts
I was gonna take my wife out last night..... But the gun jammed.
What did the retarded kids call there rock band? Syndrome of a Down...
They say it takes talent to keep making movies after 50 Apparently they haven't said this to Steven Seagal
What do you use to search for anime in Google? Weabooleans
What do riding a bike and playing basketball have in common? If you're not careful, you can pop a ball.
TIL that DNA originally stood for National Dyslexic Association
I think cheese gets sweaty because it's hard sitting around being delicious.
Didja hear they're developing a new gameshow targeted specifically at an LGBT audience? Yeah - they're gonna call it "Bruce or Dare"
He did it again! Cop: "What's in the bottle?" Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What? That damn Jesus! He did it again!"
I think Santa is a pimp all he talks about are Hos.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do you care? Shouldn't he be able to cross the road without having his motive questioned? Now let me just... exit through that conveniently placed door..
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
Perks of being ugly
I don't know why there has been all this hate lately about trophy hunting exotic animals... As a guy, on a couple of drunken nights I have slayed a few elephants... and a whale.
Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics? Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.
"That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill*
The First Guy to Eat an Egg Person 1: "Hey, dude. I'm gonna eat this!" *Holds up egg* Person 2: "What is it?" Person 1: "I don't know. I saw it come out of a chicken's butt."
No wonder I'm waiting for my Prince His white horse has ended up in the lasagna
Do you know how to tell if a date rapist put a roofie in your drink? Wanna beer?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alka ! Alka who ! Alka-phone !
How to stop a small dog from humping your leg. Pick him up, and suck his dick!
5 guys walk into a bar You'd think atleast one of them would have seen it.
If the Alibaba IPO crashes... Dibs on the term "Ali-bubble"
A woman asks a famous man to give her a signature on her breast. The famous man says "Sorry, I don't know how to write that small."
My aquarium is missing quite a few parts #nofilter
"We're halfway there... wow-ohh!! Livin' on a vain hope to which the Universe is indifferent!" - Athiest Bon Jovi
What do you call a camel with no humps? Humpfree! :P
What do you call a fake noodle? An Im-pasta
How do you get a woman to scream twice? You do her in the ass, then wipe it off on the drapes.
A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"
Police Chief: Why did you tie a rope on that  criminal? Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.
I was with my mom today when some guy backed into our car. I joked with my mom "That guy's pull out game is weak." My mom replied "Not as weak as your dad's."
Why did the alarm go off at the mansion? Because the owner entered the correct code.
What do you call a skeleton in a closet? The hide and seek champion.
The Vietnamese world domination: one nail salon at a time.
What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.
Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles? The Betty Ford Clinic
What's the leader of north korea's wife wear when she's not in the mood? a Kimono
Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.
Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.
I have a long distance relationship with an anorexic girl. Lately I've been seeing less and less of her.
Where is Hitler's bathroom? Down the hall and to the third REICH!
A black woman called Betty came into my restaurant the other day... She asked, "Is there any chicken on the menu?" I replied, "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb"
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman's brain is lighter than a man's. Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn't argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
if she doesn't reciprocate ur first "i love u", press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say "oh cool u love me too? nice"
What is a joke that so stupid that is actually funny? There was a thread months ago but i lost it...
Why did the blind man become Hitler? Because he could **Nazi.** *(disclaimer may have to read aloud for joke to occur, if laughing occurs for more than 4 seconds please contact your doctor)*
why should you never buy a Asian graphics card? bad drivers.
Dick van Dyke's surgery Welcome to Dick van Dyke's surgery! I'm afraid it's bad news. You've got supercalifragilisticextreme-halitosis.
Someone told me you thought you were good enough to be part of my exclusive pee club. Ok. Urine.
Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.
What do a pussy and KFC have in common? They're both finger licking good, and when your done you have a box to put the bone in
Cottonballs is a great example of something I would buy but not want as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, however... Credit Dymitri Martin.
Let's hear it for snow!.. The only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.
Tsipras and Varoufakis now have a mandate. They will probably go for some retsina and gyros and perhaps catch a movie afterwards.
[therapy session] THERAPIST: ok...I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine...but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park ME: nuh uh
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I'm gonna stab you.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn't involve me.
"Take the wheel Harry!" said the nervous lady driver. "There's a tree coming straight for us!"
[first date] Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once
You're in your 20's... you don't have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *cough* *choke* *gargle*
Where can you find a paraplegic man? Right where you left him.
Ever since my wife had her toes amputated I can't stand to be around her. I guess I'm *lack toes* intolerant.
Damn girl, are you (Insert here)? Because (Insert here). Now upvote it you simple minded fucks.
What do you take on a math camping trip? 2/10
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I'd stage an angry protest against Scott Brown & the death of health care reform, but I can't afford to get hurt.
How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten"tickles"
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
"So I go east? Then west? Then back east?" ~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
What do you call a religious duck? A Quacker
Why did the one eyed banker lose his job? He didn't have any debtperception.
What's white, black, and red all over? A race war.
Asked my friend who works at the tampon store if he could get me a discount He said he'd pull some strings.
Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?  To feed her nightmare.
1969: America winning space race with the Russians 2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians.
No thanks Black Friday crowds. I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
"Excuse me waiter, can I have a fork?" "Is Pepsi okay?"
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus...
A dog limps into a saloon and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
You know, Christmas is a lot like anal... Everyone always says it is better to give than to receive, but when you do you inevitably get shit in return.
I was going to be a baker But I couldn't raise enough dough.
D&amp;D character name I'm going to make a half man half horse cleric and name it centaur for disease control
What's better than winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded
ok i made up the BEST nickname for Cocaine EVARRRRR. Yall ready? check this out: "Columbian FunDip" ..... I know, awesome.
Did you hear about the water thief-turned-photographer? Apparently he was a great pitcher-taker. (Credit goes to my husband.)
Diet and exercise pro tip: Eat only on the days you are going to have sex.
I'm on my way to Williston, ND. It's the most in the middle of nowhere I've ever been. I plan to show them the iPad and claim to be Jesus.
A wizard is driving down a road and he turns in to a driveway.
How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table? He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"
Jesus, the first pin up model
Ladies, I don't understand this childish obsession with unicorns. The horn isn't there for shits and giggles. They spear and kill shit.
A Tweet is like a dress; the shorter the hotter.
Vaping! The great taste of steam, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If you spin an Chinese man around a hundred times... does he get disoriented?
What do old women and cottage cheese have in common? They come in chunks.
And after I smoked the medicinal marijuana, I ate three tubes of medicinal chocolate chip cookie dough.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side!!
Dad joke Daughter: Dad, do you know what a Dad joke is? Me: Of course honey, its what comes out of a dad egg.
What's the difference... between a girls mouth and a girls vagina? There is none! I want my penis to be inside both of these things.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two. One person holds the bulb and the other blonde twirls the other blonde around.
What do you call it when you soak a thumbdrive in vodka and shove it up your keister... an upload.
Why was the father centipede annoyed? Because all of his children needed new shoes.
Whenever I see Americans make fun of Kim Jong-un, I think to myself Come on, you're bigger than that.
Win every disagreement by saying " I know. I'm from the future." Because they can argue with you, but not science.
In what state will you find the most cows? Moo York!
What do you do when you see an enemy with half a face? Reload and shoot again!
TIL you can fit 30 bananas in a Kangaroo's pouch. Also, I'm not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Michael Bay has just recently announced the title of his next gritty reboot of a kids TV show: Ed, Edd, and Edgy
My wife and I just celebrated our 5th anniversary. A traditional gift would be something wood. So I gave her some wood. ALL NIGHT LONG.
What's the odd one out? What's the difference between your meat, you wife, an egg and a blowjob? You can beat your meat, your wife and an egg, but you can't beat a blowjob!
Catch a spark... Set the world on fire! - Incinerational Tweet
The Kodak Film company filed for bankruptcy.. More details to come as the story develops
What do you call a terrible performance of Han Solo: The Musical? A rebel without applause.
Hi Operator, Can you connect me to Steph Curry? Operator: Just dial 739 Guy: I did but there's no Ring
What's the most reliable thing about a Honda? It's theft rate.
What can you find in the middle of no where?
What's the best part of split-pea soup? The cut up peaness.
If a tree fell on keemstar in the woods Would anyone care.
Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?
Is it hard to spot a cheetah? No, they come that way.
I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I'm pulled over.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
I'm making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
So I tried using one of those date rape drugs the other night... It turns out its really hard to rape a girl when you're drooling on the floor the room is spinning.
What do you call a paraplegic archer? Legolas.
Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting... ...or has multiple restraining orders against me?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Santiago Munez : from Newcastle utd to Real madrid Movie : Goal Rafa benitez : Real madrid to Newcastle Utd Movie: Own goal
I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
My wife and I were having a bad fight when I looked down on the counter and saw a coffee mug that read 'domestic violence ends with me'... So I hit her with that.
What's better than watching a woman wrestle? Seeing her box.
People who actually put that movie theater "butter" on their popcorn should be ineligible for healthcare.
What do you call a black woman that has had seven abortions? A crime fighter
[first time ever watching a movie] How do these people keep moving from one location to another so fast
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* "damn" and a skydiver goes "damn" *whack*
What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes.
Why did the mushroom get invited to a party? because he was a fungi
Why was the lumberjack executed? He committed treeson.
Life is like a shit sandwich... The more bread you have the less shit you have to eat.
What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character? The Adhomineminal Snowman
Why should you work for a vegetable factory? Because they offer a good celery.
Why were all the ships sinking Because the japanese just learned to fly and were looking for a fun target
What do you call a potato that looks like Hitler? A dick-tator.
Doctor, Doctor, I'm addicted to twitter... Sorry, I don't follow you.
*whistles at dog* DOG: I have a boyfriend
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm ? it has a blue light !
Two men walk into a bar The third one ducks
Answer: "On Wisconsin" Question: "Where will Duke be spending much of tonight dunking?"
how did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don't forget what it looks like outside
What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says, "Spit out your gum" and a train says, "Choo, Choo, Choo."
What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly-squats
I'm just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
Dark Humor is like food Not everyone gets it
My Dad taught me to swim the old fashion way He took me down to the river and threw me in. As soon as I got out of that burlap sack I could swim like a fish!
Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Probably an award or something. I mean, that would be pretty crazy. Alternative punch line: I don't know. The zoo won't let me try.
Recycling Adult Toys "One man's trash is another man's pleasure!"
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?  In his beef case!
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
When you have "very happily married" in your bio, we read that as "DM me about my other secret account 'cause my spouse watches this one."
Yesterday my girlfriend started to smoke... So I slowed down and added some lube.
"Screw you, my face doesn't look like that at all" - an actual duck.
When Does The Narwhal Bacon? MidNight
Have you heard of the American Philosophical Association? I'm not sure if it exists or not and neither are they.
Cocky joke: You know, I've recently decided I just don't like my penis. It's such a huge dick.
"Yes, I remember you saying" - Translation: Please stop saying that
How many dancers does it take to change a light bulb? Five... six... seven... eight!
A gunmen shoots up a clothing store.. So many casual tee's
Without Geometry Life is pointless.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay! You have my word!
Glad my name's not Dan. Too much pressure to be the man.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it
USA: "Hey nachos, today's your big day!" Nachos: "What about Cinco de Mayo?" USA: "What'd you just say?" Nachos: "Nothing."
What does a gay horse eat? heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey
How good are the showers at Auschwitz? They're to die for.
Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.
Columbus: I like it here Native American: Me too, that's why I live here Columbus: Why you 'used to live here'
Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
What were the last words Jimi Hendrix said before he died? *S'cuse me, while I kiss the sky...*
My girlfriend is like my bike. Some black guy stole her from me too.
It's great that banks are nice enough to charge fees for using machines created for the purpose of replacing paid employees.
Sperm is the best glue Have you ever seen a human being falling apart?
What do you call 75 year old John Cena? John Cenile.
What's the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex will make your day, anal sex will make your hole weak.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn't last an hour before they executed me.
[God creating me] And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety [the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in] [God shrugs] He'll be fine
Why do we have to listen to a 45 second instructional to leave someone a voice mail? Beep, talk. We get it, condescending cell companies.
An athiest, a redditor, and a narassist walked into a bar... He was immediately thrown out for being under 21
"When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?" Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
If your cup is half full... You probably need a different bra. P.S. I don't know if this counts as a joke, so sorry in advance. Edit: layout
I packed my own lunch this morning if anyone wants a baggy of dry cereal or a stapler.
Why do Communists only write in lowercase? Because they hate Capitalism.
My garden shed door keeps opening and closing. Is it the wind? Yes. Am I going to tell my kids it's haunted so they stay out? Also yes.
What do you call an alcoholic eating grapes? Impatient.
What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? Ethiopian.
Did you hear about that really successful scarecrow? He is well known for being outstanding in his field.
What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant girl have in common? Failure to pull out in time
*scampers over to ice cream truck* Yes, I'll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
If Jesus invested $1 dollar when He was alive, it would have grown into $100 trillion dollars today. But that's the thing about Jesus, He didn't invest, He saved.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Have you heard about Beyonce's new perfume line, Beyotch?
If you're constantly posting "loving my life!" as your Facebook status, you're probably not.
Politicians are like coolant... Anti-frees
I don't like skinny fashion models cause I find their lack of weight disturbing.
I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash. I guess Ash is just better grounded.
Did you hear about the witch who went in for the lovely legs competition? She was beaten by the microphone stand.
Why couldn't Pinocchio get a date on craigslist because everyone wanted "no strings attatched"
People would often feel hungry after going to a funeral ... In old Greek.
Just another day in math class Teacher - what is 0.1 as a fraction Student - 1/10th Teacher - good, now what does 10% mean? Student - low battery plug in your phone
Why is the sea salty? Because the land does not wave back.
How did the truck get his girlfriend? Pickup lines
Have you heard of the guy that lost his left side He's all right now
Wife jokes... Why do brides wear white on the wedding day? Because all appliances come in white. Why don't women wear watches? Because there's a clock on the stove.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why was the plumber stressed? He had a high pressure job
What is a double-wide salad? It's a salad for people who can't afford a house salad
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn't have a period.
I'm fat and get laughed at when I say I have an eating disorder But I wouldn't be fat if I could stop eating disorder, datorder, and da other one too
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It's sm- ME: I'm just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.
Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag? A: "What did you name the other one?"
Hang in there, people suffering from natural disasters and deadly diseases - we're putting ribbons on our cars as fast as we can
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here." The superconductor left without resistance.
Do you know Forest Gump's Facebook password? 1Forest1
Why is Santa so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
I just lost my job and was told I should apply for COBRA. I said okay, but I think the G.I. Joes are going to be very disappointed in me.
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." "Some, I assume, are good people"
Idea: a hat store called "ALL CAPS" where the salespeople yell at you the entire time.
Halloween is a great time for comedy Because skeleton jokes are always humerus
Show him you care by leaving the message "I see you" on his bathroom mirror.
[NSFW] How do you keep a woman screaming hours after having sex Finish on the curtains
"It's obviously not real, you dumb impressionable twats" ...every time people get up in arms over fake articles
What is the hardest part of eating vegetables? Their wheelchairs
Are you a termite? Cause you're about to have a mouth full of wood.
Jesse Pinkman created an app that shows which coffee shops are serving Pumpkin Spice flavored beverages... He wrote it in BASIC, Bitch!
What's your favorite "I just hurt myself or messed up" phrase? Like, oh fuck! Oh shit! TITTY SPRINKLESSSSSSS
I accidentally fell off a 50-foot ladder but good thing I was only on the 3rd step
I tried to make my password beefstew But it wasn't stroganoff
How do you know if there's an athiest on a reddit thread? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Why did the cat join the Red Cross ? It wanted to be a first aid kit.
[on a 1st date] Me: I'm just looking to take things slow Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I'm the Neighbor the news interviews who says the family that was murdered deserved it bc they wore holiday turtlenecks.
What was Mussolini's favourite dessert? Tyranisu
Theres a new drug on the market designed for lesbians suffering from depression.... "Trycoxagen"
Sing me a song you're the piano man / clean out my pool you're the gardener /now light up my room you're a ceiling fan
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your place! Knock knock Who's there? Bak bak My chemistry prof said that one today
My lame RPG joke. What do you call a thief with steel armor? A stealer!!!!!
magician: "think of a letter, any letter" me: "ok" magician: "now double it" me: [visibly confused]
Cop - Have you been drinking? Me - No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here. Cop - Sir that's a fire hydrant.
You shouldn't make racist jokes about Asians who cant drive when its raining Its a slippery slope
A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people skip his name
How do you know that someone likes to smoke weed? Don't worry they'll tell you.
I can fit the lyrics of the song 'Uptown Funk' into any conversation that I have... Don't believe me? Just watch!
What is a pirate's favorite letter? You think it'd be R but it be the C
Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici meaning I came, I saw, I conquered. Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto: Veni, vidi, veni.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Now, you might say "r" but his first love be the "c".
Bon Iver just walked into my Starbucks. Wait nope just a super sad cat.
When I asked my girlfriend why she was breaking up with me, she said "Because you're a pedophile!". I replied "That's an awfully big word for a twelve year old."
What does a WoW player with tubercolosis say when he ends a conversation? TBC
How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job? She swallowed
Two men just got away with the largest Viagra heist in history. Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
Did you hear about the new gay sitcom? " Leave it, it's Beaver."
Josh tells his friend Steve, 'did you know 2 out of every 3 people live next to a paedophile?' Steve replies 'not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 years olds'
Stumbled upon my sister's porn while on the family computer That's the last time I google her name...
What's the difference between a mechanical and a civil engineer? One builds weapons and the other build targets.
In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air? God damn inflation.
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.
What's a crusader's favourite drink? A Teu-tonic.
Want to hear a dirty joke? A pig fell in the mud. Want to hear a clean joke? The pig took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear another dirty joke? Bubbles was the pig next door.
What did the termite eat for dinner? A table for two.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
Did you hear the Pillsbury Doughboy and one of the Cabbage Patch Kids had a baby? It was an ugly little fucker with a yeast infection.
I bet women's trust issues with men started with a weatherman.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I'm more pissed off than a midget with a yo-yo.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Likalotapus.
Y'know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who pee in the shower.. and fucking liars.
A Japanese guy walks into an optometrists office... He gets examined and the doctor says, "you have a cataract." The guy replies, "No I don't, I drive a Rincoln."
What were the Crocodile Hunters last words? "You Irwin some you Irlose some" Then he dieded.
Just like to give a shout out to the guy who plays triangle in our orchestra. Thanks for every ting.
What's the best part about dating a black girl? Not having to wait for her downstairs with her father.
If realigion isn't real then why does it have the word "real" in it?
I've conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can't take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.
An evil baked potato hatched a devious scheme Fortunately, it was foiled.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it's cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
Teacher: Can you count to 10? Fred: Yes teacher-one two three four five six seven eight nine ten. Teacher: Now go on from there. Fred: Jack Queen King.
A N U S B U T T M U F F ~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I was on holiday in Belgium... Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ". "What?" I asked surprised. "The war" he replied.
What's the difference between a Priest and Acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
Guy tip: If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.
What do sick composers drink? Tchai *cough* Tea
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak] wife: "it's so beautiful" me: "can you believe they named this after a website?"
Two plates go into a resteraunt One plate says to the other, " Don't worry I'll pay for the meal." The other plate replies, " No dinner is on me."
I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.
What's the easiest way to get laid? Crawl up a chickens ass and wait.
Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.
What's Tommen Baratheon's favorite band? Fall out boy
A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? None. They've already screwed everything
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy...
So my drug dealer got me these new shoes.. And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day
What do you call a 5'10" fortune teller parked in the middle of a divided highway? A medium medium on the median.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks. She's kind of high maintenance.
We should let prisoners take their own mug shots...I shall call it "The cellfie"
Old age homes suck people are dying to get out of there.
How do you catch a rabbit? Hide in a field and make carrot noises
*Dentistry school* Here's your final: *stabs student* Why is he bleeding "Because you stabbed him?" FAIL "Because he doesn't floss" CORRECT!
19 people got trampled at the Berlin Love Parade?! That's like if the War on Terror resulted in more terrorists!
*takes bite of food and immediately spits it out in disgust* What the?! Oh, I accidentally bought Hamburger Hinderer
Baseball is where a man repeatedly hurls something at a burly man armed with a bat and the most boring possible outcome happens
What is a virgin's least favorite fruit? Cantaloupe
Why did six take seven with her to social events? Seven was her "plus 1"
I recently adopted a highway, since I am unfortunately unable to have a biological highway
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis... LADDER! I said ladder!
Why has Hillary Clinton ask Santa for a 23 letter alphabet? Because she's sick of F.B.I
How do you launder money? Put it under the soap.
Did you hear The Fonz wrote an erotic novel? It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Why is the gay rights movement succeeding? The message is loud and queer.
Rodney Dangerfield joke I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
What's the favorite letter of the National Socialist Party? Anyone before the last one actually. Because they are all not Zs.
Wife: why are you smiling? [realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple] Me: I was thinking about you.
If you donate something worthless Is it still a donation?
Robin Williams dead. Police suspect arson, but I Doubtfire.
What does my finger and lemon pie have in common? They both have my rang on them.
What do Muslim gamers say at the start of Ramadan? "Gotta go fast!"
Why did the skinhead have Velcro on his boots? He was a lacist.
If you want to play frisbee Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee And when you get hungry from playing frisbee Eat your frisbee
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If you had more money you'd be happier.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets... then every year we could save millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of aids.
Bras come in sizes = AA, A, B, C, D, DD, E, OMG, WTF.
I was disappointed to find out my countertops were linoleum. I guess i took them for granite
What's a rappers shirt made out of? Strait out of cotton
When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away
Why are sinks depressed? People look down on them.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
Surely I'm not the only who chews extra hard to make sure the Teddy Grahams are good and dead. Surely.
When you're sitting on the toilet... The note scribbled on the wall reads: "I sit here broken hearted... I came here to shit, but only farted."
Incognito mode on google chrome is useless.. Everyone in the library can still see me wanking
And then the God said: "Noah, make a backup. I'm going to format"
What do you call a group of IT guys that smoke meth? Geek Squad
Currently helping my wife looking for her favourite vase that I threw out six months ago.
What did the gay atheist shout after Noah threw him off the ark for being a gay atheist? Help! I'm thinking!
What type of luggage only speaks in short sentences ? A brief case.
This kid was up late doing his work... not on reddit. not posting to /r/jokes Edit: That's a lie.
Whats an African-American's favorite fare? Welfare.
What do you call a scary bee? A boo bee.
Do you know what the Titanic and I have in common? Your mom hasn't gone down on either of us.
US Soccer Joke What STD did the US Soccer player get during the 2014 World Cup? Ghana-RIO!
Did you hear the one about to car that lost its tires? Apparently it was in a wheel hurry.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Cut the brake lines on his Prius.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don't have enough pricks in your life.
I told my son I'm a motherfucker...... He was like. "You fuck mothers...... lesbo." I replied. " Ain't a lesbo if it's myself."
I lost my watch at a party... Saw a guy stepping on it while bullying a smaller dude. I walked up to the guy, and punched him. It's not okay to bully... not on my watch.
How many Hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hippies screw in dirty sleeping bags!
What does the quantum duck say? Quark Quark
Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu?
Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections? Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.
Transsexuals just aren't what they used to be
What is Walter White's favourite band? Well it's not Saving Jane, that's for sure.
Virginity and candy are a lot a like. They require minimal force to take from a child.
So, a female friend asked me for my honest, unbiased opinion of her... ...on a scale from 1 to 10. I looked her up and down and said, quickly, "You're an eight." I think she peed a little.
What's the difference between a pedant and a sadist? A sadist is honest about his intentions. ____________________________________ That probably wasn't funny, but what do I know?
How do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator.
Siri, what's depression? Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.
A percussionist gets punched. What does it do? It would block.
A girl and a csgo map Baby, if you were a CS:GO map you would be de_stroyed.
So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?
Freud was wrong, I have no desire to sleep with my mom I'd bang the shit out of my aunt, though.
Today is a very special day. The one day a year I can say I have a girl.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible... there was glitter everywhere.
What do you call a fat computer? A Dell
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should've considered.
Why don't eggs like comedians? Cause they always crack them up
What did the olive say to the drink. Olive you.
Why did Lebron leave Miami? Because he just couldn't stand the heat
What do you call Jimmy Savile walking down the street? [British] ... a paedestrian... *grabs coat, shuffles out of room in silent shame*
Life is scary At least the salary is funny
I'm calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
What kind of appointment is always at the wrong time. Dis appointment
I called my friend in North Korea and asked how he was. He said he couldn't complain.
I've always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
How to catch an elephant Dig a hole big enough for an elephant. Fill it with loose ash and cover it with frozen peas as bait. Then when he comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.
What do you call a cow with its front legs missing Lean beef
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I never thought they would make another Jurassic Park... ...But sequels, uh, find a way.
"We like our beer the way we like our violence..." "Domestic" -Stolen from a part of a Bill Burr skit. It apparently upset some easily offended people when they saw it at a bar
Condoleeza Rice went by Condoleeza Couscous in college.
Knock Knock! -Who's there? -I eat mop...
Why does no-one use the rhinos ATM? Because he charges!
What I hate most about this sub: -When people include the title in the first line.
New to reddit My friend David forgot his I.D so now we just call him dav
I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't gone to a gig yet.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Finally made it with a Chinese midget .. It didn't last Tu Long though
I don't know about you, but I can't wait to be ashamed about what I do this weekend.
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ? Somebody took a corner !
Chicken Crossing Joke Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To show the deer how to do it.
A bit cheesy but here goes: There once was a man who used to collect spices from all over the world... now he just doesn't have the thyme.
Muslim scientists.. Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages. They're calling it Islam'.
What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.
What's the difference between a hobo crack addict and a millionaire crack addict? 99 dollars.
What do you call an easy lifestyle revolving around eating Chinese food? Lo Meintenance
What do you call a constipated optimist? A half ass full kind-a guy!
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds. Poor guy.
What does a rapist wear to feel sexy? Cologne.
I asked my friend if he wanted to hear some dubstep. He said, "Tech, no!"
I like my women like I like my X-Wing pilots... "Almost there."
I just heard 2 waiters speaking Chinese and then one said very loudly and clearly, 'MEDALLION' so I think some shits about to go down
Why did the chicken cross the road? BECAUSE 7 8 9 HAAHAHA Wait...
I was only mildly famous in the '90s but vaccinate your kids
I am friends with 25 letters from the alphabet I don't know y EDIT: Credits to Chris Turner.
This BMI chart is telling me I'm too short. What should I do? Should I eat more?
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent
How do blind skydivers know when to pull the cord? ..The leash goes slack
How do you know your girlfriend is too young? She only puckers up for her pacifier.
Ancient artifacts hint Jesus may have had a wife and kids So he likely suffered a lot more than we think.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
I'm trying to get in shape and be more politically correct. I rehydrate with LGBTQtorade
Have you heard about the dating site for radical jihadists? It's called "Our Timer"
I saw a woman about to jump off a cliff. "You want to have sex first", I asked.  She said, "no" so I said "OK, I'll wait for you at the bottom!"
As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
I traded my blowup doll in for a middle eastern version.. It blows itself up..
How does an Australian shave? Rise up lights
The largest city in the world is... Dublin. Because it keeps on Dublin and Dublin
How does Moses make his coffee? He-brews it.
My astronomy professor told me I was his star pupil.
What did Robin Williams do when he got to his office early? He hung around until his assistant arrived
I'm Not A People Person, Or A Morning Person, Or An Evening Person, Or A Going-Out Person, Or A Staying-In.. I'm Not Even Sure I'm A Person.
Told my daughter I was into incest... She's taking it pretty hard...
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?.. **RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!**
What does a vegan ghost eat? Supernatural food.
What do you call a fat kid with red hair and a eye patch? Names
LIKE IF... You've recorded yourself singing to see if you could actually sing.
Why is NTFS healthy? Because it's FAT free.
You can insult anyone you want, as long as you end the sentence with "but in a good way".
The liquid inside a fire hydrant is H^2O, but the liquid on the outside is K9P. Courtesy of schnauzers-rule.com
I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they've already seen me coming.
I play the triangle in a reggae band... ... I stand at the back and ting
A conversation between 2 vegans: "I'm a vegan." "I'm a vegan too." "Oh." "So...you're a vegan?" "Yes, I am a vegan." "Me too."
The U.S. if Trump wins
What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm? Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.
My dog only responds to commands in Spanish He's Espanyol
What do a gynecologist and a pizza guy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
What do you get when you cross a bell with a piece of shit? Dung.
How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word? Get another old lady to say "BINGO!"
Q: Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows? A: It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
What do u get when u give a rodent date rape drugs? Mickey Mouse
If you really want to get to know someone, start arguing with them.
The best pick-up line for college students Hey baby, I'm only a few thousand dollars in debt!
what has nine legs, four feet and orange? Nothing, fuck off
I'm such a great chick magnet Too bad I'm the kind that repels rather than attracts
Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.
Why do police ask to see your drinking license when they pull you over, but they call it a driver license like your bartender does before you can drink?
What do you call your mom who used to be your dad? A transparent (   )
What do smoking a cigarette and eating pussy have in common? The closer you get to the butt, the stronger the taste.
You can't have any more chocolates tonight. It's not good for you to go to bed on a full stomach. Oh Mum. I promise I'll lay on my side.
How many Anime characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only 1, but it takes them 15 episodes to do it.
Why is it so hard to contact comedians? Because their marketing is a joke.
What has two legs and looks like a spider? A spider. (They have two legs and an additional six legs also)
We are gathered here today because Somebody "glares at coffin " couldn't stay alive.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door.
If you're a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I'mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
According to facebook it is my wife's birthday.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.... But then the librarian told me to take it out...
There are two types of people in the world... Those who pee in the shower and dirty feckin liars!
Which American president was not guilty? Lincoln, he was in a cent
Angel: "I think we can all agree that 6 is enough." God (clearly upset about something else): "NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS."
How do you embaress an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
I'm not sexist. Sexism is wrong. ...and being wrong is for women!
What four letter word has made the biggest impact in the modern world? Send.
What do you get when you cross peanuts and almonds? Deez Nutz
Private Manning will never get away with it! Corporal Klinger didn't
Why are men great cooks.... because with 1 sausage, a pair of nuts and some milk it can fill up a woman for nine months.
What does OP and DiGiorno have in common?
My English teacher corrected my Grammer. One day during the lecture our English teacher told us things are not "hard", infact they are "difficult". She gave me the most difficult boner that day.
Q: What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are? A: Play ball.
Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair
[Standing still for a picture] I guess you can say I'm *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I recently found out that they are reviving Full House. The show is called Fuller House, but Bob according to Bob Sagat, its called Filler House.
Going to Walmart to boost my confidence and kill my sex drive.
Oh, you're about to earn your 3rd master's degree? I'm still working on spelling "bananas" without singing "Hollaback Girl" in my head.
"Whatcha inventing?" "I call it a picnic. It's a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack." "Can I bring my kids?" "Sure."
The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My local newspaper is running an innuendo competition. I might enter my sister.
"My boyfriend says I look like a dishy Italian!"said Miss Conceited. ''Then he's right said her little brother.''Sophia Loren?'' "No-spaghetti!''
What food is good for the brain? Noodle soup.
[meeting at round table] "King Arthur, if I may?" "Go ahead." "Castles but bouncier." "Bouncy castles?" "But you gotta take your shoes off."
The national debt isn't the only thing that's rising.
I can only imagine the sorts of crazy, sexy pictures of coffee that people are hiding in those "private" instagram accounts.
I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.
If you made a wall hanging out of cheap necklaces bought from the merch tables at small, underground rock concerts... Would you have a Decoration of Indie Pendants?
They're demanding figgy pudding. They won't go until they get some. What do I do? Call the cops? I'm calling the cops.
Who do you call for the console police? WiiU
I haven't seen my son in months One day a boy come home looking exactly like him but he said he was hungry. Son I don't know who this hungry guy is but I miss you, please come home. -Dad
The mailman gave me a letter from a child this morning. The grammar was bad. But the delivery was good.
my wife is alot like pandora radio she is always asking me if I am still listening
Why are redditors bad stand-up comedians? Because they'll just tell the crowd that the real joke's in the comments.
I tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were. I couldn't get the message across.
True friendship is when you walk into someone's house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us...
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
judge: 99 yrs me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer? judge: no that actually helped me: killing then judge: yeah the killing
*wife stares at me* *I stare at her* *she frowns* *I smile* "You didn't notice my new-" "NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES." "Dress."
I discovered that r/sexwithdogs exists other day and realised Reddit is going to the dogs
I can't wait 'til my kids leave home. I've got so much swearing to catch up on.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
A dark sense of humour is like food. Not everyone has it.
Why do they call "roach-clips", "roach-clips"??? because potholder was already taken. I know it's like a venn diagram of drug jokes and dad jokes.
Why does Santa give better presents to rich kids? Because poor kids have behavioural problems! \*rimshot\*
A one-liner walks into a bar.
I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.
What is the leading cause of pedophilia in America? Sexy children.
*I'm worried about tomorrow* Tomorrow: I'm fine, stop worrying.
How does Seth Macfarlane wishes you Eid Mubarrak? Keep it in church, guys.
What did the mexican say to the Highlander? There can only be Juan.
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Why did the Baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo
All International Pilots need to know English. But middle eastern pilots only need to know how to say Allahu Akbar.
Two black guys are playing a game. One of them jumps off a cliff and the other shoots himself. Who won? The government for having to pay welfare for two less people.
just found out i like being called sugar butt. 35 years of feminism down the fuckin drain.
What music does a mummy listen to? Wrap music
Look out, ladies! Chris Brown is officially single! (Seriously. Look out. The guy's like a violent criminal).
Someone should make a movie where something unusual appears, and the scientists want to study it and the military wants to shoot it.
One idiot said to the other "You  know there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
Louisville Slugger makes professional baseball bats from kiln dried Chuck Norris turds.
Don't you wish after a break-up you wouldn't get phone stalked & mail stalked & email stalked? It's OVER, American Express. Let. Me. Go.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up someone's ass
"you look good have you been working out" [me thinking about earlier when i taekwondo kicked a birdbath like 7 times til it fell over] Yeah
todayilearned nothing
What do cow pastures smell like? Dairy air
Karen: Are we ok? Me: [removes earbud] Yes. Karen: It's just that you named a Spotify playlist "LET'S GET DIVORCED"
How does Google translate "ten dead American cops" into any other language?  \_()_/ 
It's that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it's me trying to do my taxes.
I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting... So I just came in my pants.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb and the other to kick the switch.
Can a ninja kill you with a hidden bladed circle of metal? Shuriken
What did the DJ order from the deli? A club sandwich with extra beets.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character? Oscar im so sorry
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years.
As far as I'm concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Vote early and vote often! This *used* to be a real joke
I just took my girlfriend to Hawaii... my wife was pissed. Credit: Old guy at work yesterday when I got back from Hawaii.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My friend is pretty bad at navigation.... It seems he as a latitude problem.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street? Me: I was only going one way...
What is the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker &amp; a prostitute with diarrhea? The epileptic oyster-shucker SHUCKS between FITS.
You still have 10 more hours to lose all the weight from your last New Year's resolution. Hurry !
At first I didn't really like my haircut... ...but now it's really growing on me.
Trump. Ba Dum Tssss.
Why suicidal people are usually skinny because most likely, they haven't eaten in years.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I saw an ironing board with wrinkles in it I thought that was pretty ironic.
How many moms does it take to change a light bulb ... None, they get you to do it.. Sucker!
For my next magic trick i'll need a condom and a volunteer.
What do you call a midget with Down's Syndrome who arrives to class late? A little tardy.
How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig
What did the dolphin king say at the funeral of his faithful servant? You have served your porpoise.
I broke up with my girlfriend because I'm pretty religious I'm a Presbyterian, and she was Satan
What do you call a deceptive feline? A lion. Get it guys lol? Lion ~ Lying I'll pounce myself out now...
ELF COP: You have the right to remain splendiferous! Anything you say will be wonderful-funderful! You CRIMINAL: Pls just take me to jail
What did O say to Q? Your dick is hanging out.
The new football stadium can hold more than 66,000 fans... Sounds pretty cold and windy to me.
What do you call a French boy wearing Sandals? Phillipe Phillope Friends and I thought of this in French class today.
For years I thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.
Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet? To remind them why there's no money in it
One-legged Fox How do you kill a Fox with 1 leg? Make him run across Canada.
A teacher, in an attempt to get more enthusiasm from her students, asked them to write a summary of a baseball game. Within minutes, the first one was handed in. It read, "Rain. No game today."
What is green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree A pool table
A man walked into an appliance store and asked the clerk, "Do you sell color televisions?" "Yes," said the clerk. The man replied, "Then give me a green one."
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
What did the terrorist say to the police before he blew up the building? C4 yourself!
As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices - take it or leave it.
I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants It's weird because they usually pick cotton.
If only my sex life was as consistent as the Adobe updates.
Never vote for a tunnel-digging politician Because he's probably just another burrowcrat.
We should let the redditors with the highest karma fight climate change... After all, they're just so good at recycling.
Why did the spider cross the road? To get to his website!
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? "hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i'm down with what ur saying"
What do you get when you set a dog's tail on fire? Hopefully arrested you sick fuck... also a Dash-hound
Here's a joke for those who follow rap Meek Mill
JOKE: How do you search and identify for feminist jokes in /r/jokes? They have a "JOKE" disclaimer tag
My favorite animal at the zoo is the gorilla... I ain't lion.
What do you call a penguin with a smoking problem? It's a puffin!
Pavlov's bell, but it's me reading an email that I think says winebar when it's actually webinar.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I don't watch basketball... If I wanted to see a load of black guys scoring every minute, I'd go to your mother's house.
There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's... Yea, says the guy who never shoved a bunch of Reese's up his ass.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change. Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it's him!
cop: "you're drunk, get out of the car." judas: "bbut I've bbeen on tthe water all night." - [jesus whistles innocently]
Unexpected sex... ....is a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison.
William joined the army... He rather disliked the phrase "fire at will."
Did you hear about the pub owner who raised  a baby rabbit? It was an inn-grown hare!
Why didn't Anne Frank finish her diary? She needed more concentration.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one hesrs it, Do the squirrels sleep sideways?
I don't know why I bother going to the gym when I am so good at Photoshop.
Did you hear about the Hipster that drowned in the canal? It wasn't mainstream.
Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow  and walk away.
Why does the Illuminati have to be the bad guy all the time? Why can't they just be the Illuminice?
Notice anything? B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T V W Y Z Because Apple removed the AUX *cue snare drum*
Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? Because the capital is always Dublin.
You won't believe what every headline on the Internet is these days. They're clickbait. That's what they are.
What did the japanese chef do after he dishonored the emperor? Commit sushi
What has 18 legs and catches flies? A baseball team.
What's the difference between raping and rapping? One's mostly done by criminals in shady neighborhoods, and the other is sex without consent.
"USA is #1! USA is #1!" me explaining international dialing codes
What do you call an expert that studies sign language? A signtist!
i'm going to sell a drink called "responsibly" so after every liquor ad when they say "drink responsibly" hey free advertising boom i win
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
What do you call a duck with one leg A handiquack
Just pressed a picture of my new Corvette against the glass of the shark tank at the aquarium & said "You guys ain't shit."
What's the difference between a redneck, and a SJW? A redneck's trigger actually does something
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot.
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
9-1-1 what's ur emergency "well i guess it's that one of my friends changed all of my contacts' phone numbers to 9-1-1."
There once was an old lady who swallowed a battery, She got acid reflex.
I liked The Hobbit books, but Harry Potter? That's a different story...
May god bless German engineering, Italian cooking, and English humor. And may god damn Italian engineering, English cooking, and German humor.
A woman has breast implant made from an old oak tree. This made her breasts enormous. This joke would be funny if it had a punchline. Wooden tit?
Did you hear about the guy who fell in a vat at the eyeglass factory? He really made a spectacle of himself.
My dad finally left me a voicemail where  he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer.
Some of you I'd like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I'd like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.
10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans? Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!
A silly joke about sex after marriage.
What do you call a promiscuous hippy? Whore-ganic
My son dropped this gem on me Son: Dad what's a cow plus 2 say? Me: Cow cow? Son: Twwoooooooooo
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
what do you call a cheap circumsion A rip off
What did Mustafa's dad say after he founded Turkey? attaturk.
Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.
Why is toilet paper no good for wrapping presents? Cos it's tear-able.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
What's with this 'running with scissors' bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
How do really posh dogs send messages? By predigree-mail.
Why did 10 die? 10 was in the middle of 9/11
What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today? He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"
What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm? A tattoo.
I wish that if you stopped yourself from sneezing enough times you could shoot an energy ball out of your hand.
What's brown and sticky? (not a stick) My Beyonce calendar
I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
Why should all teenagers get a case for their cell phones? Because they should use protection to practice safe text
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree? My cock while I'm doing it.
Damn girl, are you Nutella? Because I want to spread you and eat you.
End Jokes/Quotes from the tv series QI - Season 2 &amp; 3 humorous quotes, funny stories, and jokes by Stephen Fry at the end of each episode of the show.
What is a mummies favorite genre of music? Wrap
Mankind have spent time equal to 7857 years watching PSY Gangnam style only. Shame on you people.
Sometimes when I play a game on my computer, the screen goes dark and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts.
If you think that there's nothing that can make your plants stay alive... Watering can
Lochte turns up late for his Brazil hearing... "Very sorry Your Honour, I got held up"
If U are nervous about public speaking, no need to picture the audience naked, just realize they will be on their phone ignoring you anyway.
"Oh my god, it's a genie!" GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american
How do you stop an F4 tornado from destroying a town? A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris! However, this method will cause more destruction than the tornado.
Not now brain... ...this is a job for stupidity.
My medical insurance plan is so bad that I'm not allowed to see my doctor. He just reads my Twitter and adjusts my medications.
Common Core
Did you hear about the man that threw a mineral at the cops? The police said it was a salt.
Yo momma so fat, when she blushes People mistake her for the Blood Moon
1987 was a great year for the payphone.
Sarah Palin's political integrity. Because she's ~~a woman~~ an idiot.
The way I deal with my drinking problems is every time I want a drink I go to the gym. They have a bar there.
*Buying flowers* Sales girl: Would you like the receipt? Me: Sure! If they don't work, I'll be bringing them back.
The American Dental Association recently awarded their "Dentist of theYear" award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.
Kid's are afraid to take this nap. Kidnap.
Two peanuts were walking down the street... ...one was a salted.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I've made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My sex life is like 9/11 No one wanted it.
So my dentist says to me... So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!" Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!" This literally just happened. She lost it.
Whats the worst part about having a lesbian for a roommate? They eat all the tuna!!!
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His hand slipped.
My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house. So I started smoking.
how many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? it doesnt matter.....they just beat the shit out of the walls for being black.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You'll know what I mean.
What did one turnip say to the other? We're white and bulbous, just like America
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it...
Why are there no Walmarts in Iran? Because there's a JC Penny at every corner.
The best jokes are the ones you have to explain. It's funny because the best jokes are the ones you *don't* have to explain.
You're a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Why did Steve hate being the youngest clone? Because all his genes were hand me downs.
"Everybody freeze!" -November
How do dentists like their eggs? Poached.
What do you call a stoner that complains about luck? A Hearthstoner
If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?
What is the scariest part of a cavity search? When they put both their hands on your shoulders but keep searching
[kung fu fight] "Your tiger claw is no match for my crane." *starts lifting heavy building materials*
Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss...
How do you recycle a condom? NSFW Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
Why do they call it a pap smear? How many chicks do you know that would turn up for a cunt scrape?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
They say marriage is like a three ring circus ... There is the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering ...
What should be done in case of apparent drowning? Take the parent out of the water
HAPPY EARTH DAY! Suck it, Neptune.
What do a chop shop and a desperate actress have in common? They both strip for parts!
Donald Trump wants to become President This is not the first time he has tried to kick a black family out of their home. Credit : Snoop Dogg
What game did the Rabbi play with the Baby? PeekaJew
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I'm only going to have a small slice.
A man threw milk at an old woman before... I said how dairy
My ex claimed I had a 'hero' complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Why did the cactus cross the road? It got stuck to the chicken.
Wanna hear a joke? Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay's man house knock knock you: who's there? the chicken.
I'm not sure what happened to the word "cocksucker". People use it now to describe a bad man when it actually describes a good woman.
How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nobody knows. They always say they'll do it next year.
*wakes up after all night party* *rolls over* *rolls over* *rolls over* How did I get on this escalator?
Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
My girlfriend's at home tonight, baking. So hopefully the police don't look in the oven and find her.
How many sperm cells do virgins have at any given time? Ohh.. About a handful.
They say in California alone, the divorce rate is at 75%. Twenty minutes later, a woman walks by with a stroller and a barking dog in it.... Perhaps.
A "cup of Joe" must mean something else entirely to a cannibal.
I Never Buy Anything Containing Velcro It's all a total rip-off
What kind of birds stick together? Vel-crows
But wait...
Walking around Brooklyn, slapping people's brunches to the ground.
Sarah Millican just called Stephen Hawking a good sport.
What is the ideal weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, including the urn.
HANDJOBS are a touchy subject.
My grandfather, bless him, he can't really do what he used to Bomb the Germans.
When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network "HELP, I'M STILL ALIVE!"
What have pancakes and children in commen If they're black, they're ruind
Which reindeer have the shortest legs? The smallest ones.
How does a chef relax? He beats his meat
Want to hear a dirty joke? This boy trips and falls into some mud.
Wrestling is so stupid I can't believe people pay to watch people without pants risk their lives for a belt
Two Flordia football players have been suspended for Saturday's game vs. Tennessee for refusing to take a urine test... I guess you might say urine or your out.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I'm saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
"I hate this quilt." - my wife, a person capable of hating a quilt
Every Time a Child Isn't Conceived During Sex... ... It's usually the result of a short cumming
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got his gas bill
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.
Why are girls like rocks? You skip the flat ones.
My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of pancakes.
Yo mama is so poor... ... ducks throw bread at her.
There's a type of bee that after it stings you, you pass out and it tries to have sex with you. It's a Cos-Bee.
What good is a space heater, it's cold here on Earth.
u have been sentenced to 99 years in a maximum security prison for taking bites out of a string cheese instead of havin fun and peeling it
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job? Me: After lunch, next question.
What do mysoginy and racism have in common? Black women.
Barista: How do you take your coffee? Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?
Dance like no one's watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Saw this movie about Jewish people this afternoon.. It had a hollow cast.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Still unsure as to whether or not that full stop adds to humorous effect.
Doctor doctor people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch face down.
What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.
What's hard, white, and 10 inches? Nothing.
If Trump wins after Obama leaves office... Does that mean that orange really is the new black?
Santa goes to Ethiopia. Starving kid says in his winding breath: *Santa presents...!* Santa says: **Santa doesn't gift children who doesn't eat properly!**
I came in second at a Monica Lewinsky look alike competition. . . . . . the judge said I was close, but no cigar.
*Slides down your chimney* *Straightens all your pictures*
Doctor Doctor my baby is the image  of his father Never mind just so long as he's healthy!
Even deaf people want to fuck punch the Salvation Army bell ringing brigade.
Germans are always so quick to fix your mistakes when you trying to speak German. It's as if the whole German nation is on Otto correct.
If two vegans don't like each other.. Is it still considered beef?
Q: What do sneezes wear on their feet? A: Ahhh-shoes.
Q: What kind of suit does a bee wear to work? A: A buzzness suit!
Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you're high, you won't buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
Incest It's how you come into your own
A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied 'thank you' before I could think.
"Let's fly to Russia, get a bucket of water from the Caspian Sea, then put it above the door so it falls on Jeff!" - Impractical joke
*forgets Netflix password* *sends email reset* *forgets email password* *sends reset to backup* 20 resets later: *opens 2nd Netflix account*
What's Pink and Hard??? A Pig with a Flip Knife.
Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.
Her: 'Do I look, like, fat?' Brain: no,no,no,no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING Mouth: 'Like a fat what?' Brain: Oh dear God
Women are like magnets... I have no clue how they work.
"is that blood or ketchup?" ketchup "how is that even possible?" *surgeon stops making incision* I don't know
Twitter is going to get very dark when we all get older and are still tweeting from our Alzheimer and dementia riddled brains.
Why don't they have a Phone Directory in China? Because there are so many "Wings" and "Wongs" they'd still wing the wong number.
How did the Shepherd find the sheep in the tall grass? ... Satisfying.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
what do you call a mistake in a soup recipe? a Pho pas
A wife tells her husband who works with computers that shes pregnant She later sees him on his computer clicking ctrl z
How do you get Dick out of Richard? You ask nicely
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I'm home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Let's pray for her.
There's a petition urging Bill Cosby to change his name to Cuz Billbe Cuz Bill be a rapist, of course ...
What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler
So excited for work tomorrow! Also, I typically show excitement by listening to Coldplay and crying for a solid 45 minutes.
How do you tell the difference between an X and Y chromosome? You pull down its genes.
The New Yorker swims into a bar...
What bit of fish doesn't make sense ? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding !
What s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms.
Women and washing machines What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? Washing machine doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.
How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie.
[REQUEST] Coffee Puns My google searches led me to no great jokes, and I actually need them for a class. If you can give me some coffee puns, I'd be truly grateful. Please espresso feelings!
You mean 'idiosyncrasies' doesn't mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Things that smell better than they taste: coffee, popcorn, vanilla-scented ass.
What did one boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts.
What do you call a magnet that can go both ways? Bi-Polar
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
What do you call a former CIA agent when a winter storm hits? Snowed-in
What did the car baby say to his car dad? Hey dad, let's tell a joke for car ma!
Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.
What's the difference between Doctor Who and Facebook? When the Doctor changes the timeline, it's usually for a good reason.
Have you heard about the pig who took up disco dancing? He liked to swing his weight around.
Never have I ever... rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, because they charge you $500 for the iLightbulb.
Why do Native Americans hate snow? It's white and on their land.
What do you get when you have sex with the Quaker Oats guy? Oatmeal Creme Pies.
I came....I saw.... I'm a lumberjack who needs to stop watching porn &amp; get a *life*....
Want to know why everyone loves time warner cable? The loading times are out of this world.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
What's the saddest thing in the world... Dick, His family are nuts, His neighbor is an asshole, His best friend is a pussy, And his master beats him
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix? God: It's an idea I have for a public holiday. TJ: Huh? G: It's complicated.
Why are Women like buses? You wait all day for one then find out 48 other people in the local area have been riding on her.
What do you call a Jamaican that wears glasses? Rasta-four-eyes!
If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
So Curtis Jackson filed for class 11 bankruptcy. Turns out he's only worth 50 Cent.
Zombie apocalypses suck. Everything comes back to bite you!
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But then I turned myself around.
Whats the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer? The taste.
What did the chemist say when he caught his brother stealing halogens? Bro, mine
Why couldn't the band director pick a piece in 4/4 time? It's too common
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aitch ! Aitch who ? Bless You !
A gay guy walking backwards walks into a bar... and proceeds to moan in pleasure.
Posting pumpkin carving pictures on social media is so last year.
Jesus and Mohammad are debating religion. Jesus, with a smug smile, says: "My faith can move the tallest of mountains." Mohammad confidently replies: "How well does it do with skyscrapers, brotha?"
Why I will never go bungee jumping... I was brought into this world through a broken rubber and I'm not about to be taken out by one.
What kind of jeans do ghosts wear? Boo Jeans
I've reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.
What's the worst part about Necrophilia? The awkward silence.
I never could figure out what people did for entertainment before the Internet... None of my 17 siblings can figure it out either.
mrw browsing front page [removed due to copyright]
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.
I went camping yesterday and... It was in tents! BAZINGAAA LMFAO I die when I thought of this good joke BAZINGA x1000
God: I made something new. It's like a tornado, but smaller. Angel: What do you call it? God: A toddler.
Why do bulimics make such good food? Cus they have to taste it twice!
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I'm gonna be friggin' unstoppable.....
So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon... One says to the other, "Let's bounce, this place has no atmosphere"
Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan? because of the tally-ban
I used to love John Deere and Massey Ferguson... but now I'm an ex-tractor fan.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I'm bored of paying for things
Why do women close their eyes during sex? They hate to see men have a good time.
A Rabbi was drinking his Tea. And turned into a Rabbit.
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits your windshield? Its butt.
I just lost my virginity! And so did my 6-year old sister.
Why are strip clubs now banned in South Carolina? Because they can't handle anyone else making it rain
What do you call the iron-stealing, oxygen-depleting metalloproteins that lurk in the red blood cells of all vertebrates? Hemogoblins.
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
I like my coffee how I like my slaves. Made by slaves.
What's Ellen Pao's husband's favourite web plugin? Ponzi Buddy.
what do you call a clean idiot? soap on a dope
What falls faster from a tree, a leaf or an Emo? The leaf, the Emo is too depressed to go outside. I saw this joke reposted so many times. I figured I'd mix it up a bit.
What do you call 30 gay guys buttfucking in a circle? A creme-filled donut.
How did John Lennon play the bass on Helter Skelter...... .....He played with a plastic ruler at the end of a desk.
Whats the difference between a baby and an onion You don't cry when you cut a baby
I quit my band, 1023MB, the other day... We never had a Gig.
why did the scarecrow get a promotion? he was outstanding in his field
What do you call a guy stuck in the same job for 30 years? A four term US senator.
What's a vampire's favourite dance? The vaults!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
When I send someone email instructions that end with "Let me know if you have trouble," I'm really saying, "Let me know if you're an idiot."
What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs? A condescending con descending
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Two reasons I won't give money to homeless people. 1. They're probably just going to buy beer with that money. 2. I'm going to buy beer with that money. Edit: changed for to with.
I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt... Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.
My head says "go to the gym" but my heart says, "stay on the internet forever and eat!"
What is a politician's favorite kind of tea? Infideli-tea.
Kid, if you don't know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don't deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn't cry.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Damn!
Where do religious school children practice  sports? In the prayground!
Everyone's like "I love Obama" or "I love Romney" and I'm just over here like "I love whiskey and beer"
What's a desert's favorite song? Darude-Sandstorm
You gotta hand it to short people. Because their arms can't reach.
Why was the calendar depressed? His days were numbered.
Yoga pants and Walmart My nephew told me all women have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Damn.
What's the true meaning of a New Years resolution? Something you do for the first week of the new year.
What do you call it when you sit on a high chair to see if you want to buy it? A stool sample.
A horse comes into a bar.., No wait, it was a man. A horse comes in a man...
Your so poor I stepped in your house and  stepped on a cigarette and your mom said "Who turned of the  lights".
They aren't so different. A pizza delivery man and a Gynecologist aren't so different when you think about it. They both can smell it, but they can't eat it.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I once ate an exclamation mark... it was surprisingly good.
"The new Star Wars comes out in two years". (Luke 20:15).
Recent Studies... Recent studies show that 4 out of 5 blondes are blonde
Samsung users are like... "Im glad Samsung is finally blowing up."
A priest, a blonde, and a rabbi walked into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
To all those people who never finish what they start, I say...
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked? A seatbelt
If I can eat or drink it in less than two minutes, don't tell me it's 3.5 servings.
So I wrote a Musical It was about a tragic coal mining operation ,unfortunately, the cave collapsed and the workers inside were killed. I decided to write it in A flat minor.
"Hey, let's get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!" - Twitter
Words cannot describe how cute you are. But numbers can, 3/10.
I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex They know my name isnt Someone Help
So no one else is even mildly concerned that a bee is nutting hunny on our cheerios?
Q: Ever heard of the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? A: It wooden run.
Just made up this joke: So I wrote some fan fiction, it blows.
How does Bilbo take his tea? Bag-in
How is Donald Trump related to this post? They're both jokes.
What do you call two lesbians on a canoe? Fur Traders
What does the neckbeard say when asked what he did last weekend? "M'laundry."
Last night I tried to go out for an Italian Meal, but there was a huge, fat woman standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.
Free Tibet I'LL TAKE IT!
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go? God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.
I'll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
What does the Jewish Bruce Wayne drive? The Shabbat-Mobile.
What do men and pizza have in common? That you call them and in 10minutes you have them h...
What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea? I've never had a kidney bean on my face.
Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.
Remember they're just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
One of the guys I work with overdosed on Viagra. His wife's been taking it pretty hard.
Being dark skinned is a CHOICE. In just a few years, through prayer, celebrity Beyonce is almost completely white. You can change too.
Why do SJW's hate Programmers? They objectify everything.
I love that the news bleeps swears. "Sorry you heard a bad word during our footage of a firefight that ended with a guy being burned alive."
A skeleton walks into a bar... and orders a beer and a mop.
How do Australians have sex? They mate
How many Astros fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cyril ! Cyril who ? Cyril thing - no imitations here !
I told a blonde joke She didn't get it.
Looks like the heavy bag of sirloins fell off the top shelf, landing on the butchers head, and killing him. Looks like the steaks *shades* were too high. YEAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by.
What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? Mostly the taste.
My mother was feeling cold so now I'm wearing a sweater.
what is the hardest part of being a pedophile? I dunno, probably making friends and fitting in
What do you call a jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash.
If you don't have a Facebook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.
I was talking to my friend earlier. I thought, "Why on earth are you called Earlier?"
My wife wants to have a kid... I bought her a goldfish and told her to wait a few million years.
I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
Since when did 'scrotum brown' become a cool colour to buy a jeep in?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper "dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow"
Why don't people get married in North Korea? Well, all marriages are legal in North Korea, but no one has them because there's no rice to throw.
Which is the only bank that drug tests all of its employees? PNC
There are two things a true man never chases... His liquor nor his women.
[looking at pics] Where's that? -Hawaii Where's that? -Jamaica Daddy where was I? -You weren't born Why's the folder called 'Good Ole Days'?
Statistics say there's a gay guy in every group of friends. I think it's Tim... he's got a great ass.
You can tell a lot about a person by autopsy.
Do you know why cannibals won't eat clowns? Because they taste *Funny*
Where do pencils come from ? Pennsylvania
"...and I would've won if it weren't for you meddling minorities, women, gays, young people..." - Mitt Romney #ScoobyDooVillain
What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government. One of them is organised.
With all the talk of gender lately I realized the fastest way to turn a pussy into a dick Give it a gun and a badge
Why was Hitler sent to the grocery store? He killed the juice.
My new girlfriend asked me how I felt about kids. With my hands was apparently not the right answer.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." - A man who owned other men.
What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed? "No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"
Men are the best cooks... One sausage, two eggs, bit of milk and they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months
You know the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day? On St. Patrick's day, everyone wants to be Irish.
Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!! Britain: "What happened to the T?" America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"
Hey guys Someone needs to wake up green day.
HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, "Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."
A young girl walks in on her dad peeing... The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."
Did you hear about the dyslexic racist? He hated gingers.
Why was the Ethiopian baby crying? He was having a mid-life crisis
Why do black people wear flares? because their knee grows
Did you hear about the guy who invented knock-knock jokes? He won the nobel prize
I went to my doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating... I asked him why, and he said "So I can examine you!"
Riff Raff should name his next album "Street Rat." 'Cause I won't buy that.
What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for? Amputee
I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee. No arm, no foul.
So you guys heard about this MySpace thing?
When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.
Why couldn't the skeleton add 1 + 1? Because he doesn't have a brain
I told my boss I'm calling in sick today. He said, "You can't do that when you're already here." Is that true you guys?
Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm".
"Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you'd like to speak with a customer service representative."
Why did the octopus blush? He'd just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a pub... They each enjoyed a pint and shared some laughs. It was a great night.
If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.
Michael Jackson jokes are so childish
Opinions are like assholes... if you get paid to share your opinion with the masses, you probably have a pretty big opinion.
A friend told me that I don't understand irony... ... which is ironic, because I was was waiting for a bus at the time. -- Alanis Morissette (not really)
I think I have just enough followers to start a decent sized cult
Rethink everything in your life if you're one of the 43,000 people making comments on an instagram photo of Kylie Jenner stretching.
How does a black man win Father of the year?NSFW He pays for the abortion.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
Mathematics works in mysterious ways...[possibly a joke just for UK redditors] 2x2= 4 1x1= 1 0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.
i made up a joke once one day i made up a joke, but i am lactose intolerant and so i died
I think it'd be cool to be immortal for a day, just to see what it's like.
What idiot called it a book shelf instead of a know ledge?
Mel Brooks is tired of all the letters from Arnold Schwarzenegger begging for a new space balls movie. In a public statement he said he is the worst schwartz a nagger of them all.
Just remember Mom, you can't spell "disappointment" without "appointment" which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
A Jew and a purse Once went a Jew, found a purse, picked it up: - Shit! 200 dollars are missing!
Kid: Daddy, where do babies come from? Dad: Storks deliver them Kid: but where do baby storms come from? Dad: ...Fuck.
Did you know that pi day is tomorrow? I didn't, because there have been 0 sines
My son didn't understand the concept of a committed relationship, so I told him it's like making a girl your default browser.
If a tattoo artist... If a tattoo artist does an absolutely perfect tattoo on only one butt cheek, is that still considered a half-ass job?
US Naval Communications
My family puts the "C" in Awckward because the majority of them didn't graduate high school and are horrible spellers.
Lesbians build huge mansion in atlanta... It was all tounge and groove, not a single stud in the house. (Construction workers joke, you might not get it)
What do New York McDonald's employees and people who read Ulysses have in common? Liberal Arts Degrees.
What do you call an alien surfing the Internet? e-t.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
My boss wanted to know why I was away for so long. I told him I was in the restroom and he doesn't believe me. He insists I'm lying but I'm really just full of shit.
Why was the professional so impressed with the farmer? Because he was outstanding in his field!
What's the difference between Santa and Justin Beiber? Santa stops at 3 Ho's
Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "sorry for the damage." Film reactions. Profit.
what's cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he's still a genuinely detestable person
A group of the best ISIS fighters mistakingly kidnapped Chuck Norris When they realized who they had, they beheaded each other
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste.
I hate it when people ask me where I'll be in 5 years time... Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.
So /r/cringepics posted something actually cringeworthy.
After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
"You should leave your wife..." The secret note I leave on my husband's windshield every morning...
If you're a pregnant teenage white girl and you don't name your child Pumpkin Spice Latte you are wasting everyone's time.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know but it's more than 5 because my basement is still dark...
I was suffering from pinkeye for a long time until I found www.curing-conjunctivitis.com It was a site for sore eyes
I just found out I passed my drug test.... Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
My mum was killed by cancer... Wait no, my dad was a Sagittarius.
69 Position I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Where is the best place to hide a dead body? On the second page of a Google result.
My brother is the worst seller ever. He was trying to sell me a Vacuum Cleaner but the only thing that he kept saying was "it sucks".
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? a tire.
What is it called when an unborn baby dies in a horse-drawn sleigh? A mis-carriage
An American bartender, an African bartender and an Asian bartender walk into a bar. And they start working right away. Damn, what a busy night.(:
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Steven Hawking after a house fire
American beer and sex on a boat What do American beer and having sex on a boat have in common? They're both fucking close to water
Sorry, Spiderbro, but I have to tell you... I totally smashed your wife last night.
Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So you don't confuse them with a feminist. [Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/MeanJokes/comments/2hezp9/why_do_sumo_wrestlers_shave_their_legs/)
1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider
President's Day is just a holiday invented by Presidents to sell more Presidents.
A Frenchman has a wife and a lover He loves his lover the most. An Englishman has a wife and a lover, he loves his wife the most. A Jewish man has a wife and a lover, he loves his mother the most.
Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?
For all the English lovers... The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Why did the kiddie pool have no friends? Because it was too shallow.
How much does a red lightsaber cost? An arm and a leg ^^edit: ^^slightly ^^improved ^^punchline
The NSA A government organization that actually listens to you!
There's plenty more fish in the sea But until I catch one I'm left here holding my rod.
Q: What's yellow and 1454 feet tall? A: The Empire State Banana.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Why was the Instagram star so bad at making coffee? Because she used #nofilter
Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I've had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If I can't find any cheese this sandwich will be toast!
What comes after L? Bow
What's the difference between Batman, and a Black man Batman can go to the store without robin
Plum Hair Jokes THESE JOKES ARE BASED ON GIRLS WITH PLUM HAIR IF YOU DONT KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT PLUM HAIR YOU DYE YOUR HAIR TO GET PLUM SO.... ENJOY
Why are Mumford &amp; Sons the only agnostic rock band? Because they don't even know if they believe.
If you are what you eat ...never order a #2.
I think I made a good joke Donald Trump
Who is the oppostite of Cristopher Walken? Christopher Reeve
I am a virtuous woman, that's why I cost more!
Oh no! The universe just imploded itself...... ...... No matter.
*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it* haha idiot *checks email* holy shit i won a million dollars??
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
A co-worker just used the word "elderly" to describe someone my age and that's why I had to kill her.
I'd write a rap song... ..but i'm too Lay-Z
Went to my psychologist and told him I feel like a pack of cards. He said hell deal with me later
"Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I'm a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
What do you bury a Jewish metalhead in? A Moshe pit!
I once had this amazing handicapped friend. He wanted to be a stand up comedian.
A man just came up and threw milk in my face. How dairy.
I should post a History joke But you have probably already heard it before.
The GOP candidates are competing to win over Scott Walker supporters after he pulled out of the race... But all three of them remain undecided still.
I've been trying to explain asymptotes to my friends... They're getting closer every time.
My grandfather could never throw anything away... That's why he died in the war holding a hand grenade
There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.
My father's Texas joke A Texan gets pulled over for speeding. The officer says, "You got an ID?" The Texan says, "... about what?"
If I worked at Starbucks I'd pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time. "I see you're drinking 2%, is that because you think you're fat?"
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it's soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Would you like to hear a good joke? Me too. It's ages since I've heard one.
When it comes down to it, the most important thing you can do everyday is not die.
"Get off the phone" "Wash your hands" "Pull up your pants" "Make me dinner" My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
What do you get when you combine a pun and a rhetorical question?
Dyslexic florists say "Weddings are for pansies."
There's a lot I don't get about women The main thing being their phone number.
Why Did Hitler commit suicide? Because his gas bill was too high...
Did you guys see the lunar eclipse the other night? I missed it, the earth was in the way.
It's 4:20 do you know what that means?!? It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Why would OP make a terrible pizza chain? Because they don't deliver.
What's the difference between a penis and a criminal? Well a penis gets hard, but a criminal does HARD time!
"Are you cold?" *People who are cold*
good dancer:D :D hahah Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Any size pizza is a personal pizza... if you eat it all by yourself
How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
How many women does it take. . . to screw in a lightbulb in a convent? Nun.
My girlfriend is like a trampoline,... ...i dont have a trampoline!
Hey Febreze, I don't go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My dad works on Nukes and told me this today What dessert was served during the Manhattan Project? Yellow Cake
Female Viagra has been around for years It's called money.
I heard a woman got hit by a motorcyclist the other day... It made me wonder, who the fuck rides a motorcycle into someone's kitchen?
*Sees thing on floor *Vacuums over said thing *Vacuum cant pick it up *Picks up thing *Looks at it *Puts it back on the floor to vacuum
Was at a party the other day, there was a guitar there. I picked it up and someone asked if I could play wonderwall I said maybe
I don't like paying for pizza because I hate making my pizza feel like a whore.
Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor? Because they take everything, literally....
Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything
What's the favourite toy of Turkish rulers? Beyblades.
Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating. OMg
My girlfriend always cheats when we play board games, like last night, we were all playing Monopoly and she was next door fucking the neighbour.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? Yeah, it runs in your jeans!
I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said: "You have reached the end of you free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes.com."
I suspect Elmer Fudd is an r/jokes mod, and I have evidence [wemoved]
What do you call a black cat than can spring up to  a six foot wall ? A good jumpurr !
A man walks into a bank... and yells "this is a fuck up!" confused, the teller says "you mean a stick up?" "Nope, it's a fuck up, I forgot my gun"
I was going to tell an anal joke butt fuck it.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.
As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment
My son can only see in shades of beige, Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.
Note to self: Next time your migraine specialist asks "How's your head?" Don't reply with "No man has ever complained."
Why do girls never travel in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is. Maybe Alaska.
"Eat your dinner so that lamb didn't die for nothing" - will ensure you get your daughter's helping, too.
why did the golfer wear two pants? in case he got a hole in one
I'm so dependent on the google "did you mean ____?" that i barely bother to spell anything even remotely correctly
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I'm pretty sure it's only because I'm his Oreo dealer.
A boy was born without testis Doctor asked the father: is there any member in the family who had the same anomaly. Father replied without missing a beat: yeah, his mother.
Is your refrigerator running? cause I'd rather vote for it instead of these two
My voice is like a pony, A little Horse.
"Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you're terrible at this." - piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter!
90 female cops on the road... And I got arrested for doing 80
How do you confuse a blonde? You don't... They're born that way
Cum on guys... We seriously need to stop making gay jokes.
I needed to get a shipment of almonds to the airport quickly. It was so weird to call Uber and ask if they could drive me nuts.
How is /r/jokes like the green movement? Reuse and Recycle
I don't even like sports but I'm excited for next year's superbowl... Because it will be Superbowl L
[Dog yoga class] Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose [Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt.
How do you fit 500 jews in a smart car? Put them in the ash tray
How does a dishwasher make his money? Panhandling
What is the most popular sport played by raindrops and hail stones?  -Diving
What did the frustrated cannibal say? Nothing he just threw up his hands.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.
My Grandfather Says I should not be so Dependent upon technology... ...Yet he is the one hooked to life support.
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
a sphincter says what? pants up, dont poop.
Xbox One and PS4 Get into a car crash... And here comes the ambulance "WIIUWIIUWIIUWIIUWIIU"
Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting too fat? A: She fits into your wife's clothes.
My insomnia is getting worse But I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem!
Vagina Knock-Knock Joke Knock knock Who's there? Marquis de Sade Marquis de Sade who? It's taking too long for you to de Sade to open up
A naked woman robbed a bank.. Nobody could remember her face.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone's jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I just bought some 300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife. But i can still hear her.
College students... Thief: "Give me all your money !" Me: "I'm a college student..." Thief: "... Have some of mine."
Never Dance Naked Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.
Granddad once told me there's one requirement for a funny joke... And it's telling it in a funny voice.
When life gives you lemons . . . demand to see life's manager.
Luke chided Han for blaming Chewbacca when everyone got caught in the tree net on the forest moon of Endor. But let's be honest: it *was* a Wookie mistake.
Manager: Your fired Me: *You're Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud Me: How did you know I corrected you
What do you call a guy who plays Fallout? A Fall Out Boy.
Curious that it's always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Just met John & Jane Doe and their lovely children Play, Tornay, Potay and Alfred.
"How do you know that God isn't a woman?" Because I'm not a sandwich.
Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.
They say Napoleon got the shakes whenever he put on his uniform... Modern scholars believe he may have had epaulettesy.
There were two fish in a tank. There were two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" How much do pirates pay for their earrings? A buccaneer.
"Who's on first?" "David." "Cool." -Abbott and Costello's first draft
What's yellow and not a banana Oh, wait I forgot, it is a banana
Which wrestler's weakness is the rain? Dwayne Johnson
What do you call it when an underwater explorer gets bitten by a bloodsucking parasite? Diverticulitis.
But it's not my choice I'm single by choice
"Mickey Mouse, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?" "No, I said she was fucking Goofy."
What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything
Where does the time go?
I took my first drug test today.. I only got 5 questions right.
I'd like to thank the floor, for always catching me when I'm falling down.
Your momma's so fat That when she goes to church people say: Holy Cow!
I went to the zoo this past weekend. The only animal they had was a dog... it was a shih tzu.
So I Saw A Fireman Smoking Outside The Station and I thought, 'I wonder how many cigarettes are started by fires?'
What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? He turns off the PlayStation.
Whatever you do in life, give 100%... unless you're giving blood.
Guy: come over Girl: I'm coming over Guy: We need to stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states "A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal"
Why did Han go out Black Friday shopping.? ... because the prices were Solo
What do you get when you cross NWA and Young Money? Dr. Drake.
You've heard about the Ferguson situation, right? The issues raised aren't exactly black or white.
What did the Ghost say to the Bee? Boo Bee
Did you hear about the new Italian tires? Dago here, dago there, and when dago flat, dago wop wop wop.
What electronic device leaves behind a lot of broken glass? A PC, seeing how they typically run on Windows!
I asked my friend from North Korea how he was doing. He just shrugged and replied, "I can't complain."
*puts ranch dressing on chicken* aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If the only way you say "Happy Birthday" to someone is via their Facebook wall, they're not your friend.
What's a ducks favorite drug? Quack cocaine
What do you call a dinosaur with good dental hygiene? A flossiraptor
Over 15k CCTV cameras installed for Obama's visit to India!! This is ridiculous. Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything. Damned racist's!!
I once auditioned for "Man Laying Fertilizer" in a commercial, and afterward, they asked me to do it again but to keep in mind hes straight.
Short joke What do you call a short person that knows Martial Arts? Midjitsu!
So I brought a girl home from the bar last night... When we got to bed, she said "Give me twelve inches and make me bleed!" So I fucked her twice and punched her in the face.
Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor? He never mentions "on the other hand"
What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age" -first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
*looks up pics of spiders on gloogle* nice nice *turns mature content filter OFF* NICE NICE
I told my friend that Dracula and I had sex with my 12 inch penis. He refused to believe me... I said, "I know it's hard to believe, it's a lot to take into a Count."
What do the neighbor's wife and a dead gorilla have in common? They're both haram bae.
Two men walk into a BAR... The third one ducked!
I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly.
A highlighter is just a regular lighter that knows how to have a good time.
What's the difference between a beaver and a deer? The deer has a bigger beaver
What do you call a bunch of cats sitting in a circle? The purr-rimiter.
Who do zombie cowboys fight? Deadskins.
Q: What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? A: Shore.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door? Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific? 4: No reason.
Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.
I'm wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I don't trust those trees They seem kind of shady
Dogs have 10 expressions for "I love you! I love you!" and cats have 10 for "I hope you die slowly in a fire but feed me dinner first."
It's so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell "JOHN CENA!!"
I like my jokes like I like my sex life... ... quick and unsatisfying.
[At job interview] M. "No, English is my second language." I. "What's your first language then?" M. "Emoji."
How do you lose fourteen stone of fat? Dump him.
Did you hear about the Ramen warehouse that burned down? Dozens of dollars worth of Ramen was lost.
At what time of day was Adam born? Just before Eve.
Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.
what did they call the Mexican after losing a finger minus juan
FBI responds to increased number of botched investigations resulting in civilian casualties By adding a new definition for "botched" to urban dictionary; successful
What is the chemical composition of a fire hydrant? K9P.
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age and she died.
Two blondes were walking down the railroad tracks. The first blonde said "man, these steps are killing me!" The second one said "it's not the steps that are killing me, it's these low hand rails!"
What do Alicia Keys, Katniss Everdeen, and Joan of Arc all have in common? They're all girls on fire.
Why do terrorists have high sex drives? Because their sperms are always ready and eager for suicide missions.
What does a nut say when it sneezes? Cashew.
"Please ma'am! How do you spell ichael?"  The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael?" she  asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: describe the suspect "He was holding a pencil, wishing he was a real artist" {pencil stops moving} "And he was crying"
People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.
We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.
If a white-washed Asian is a banana.. Then a black-washed Asian is an Eminem.
Guy walks into a bar and asks for a "Lindsay Lohan shot"... Bartender asks "What is that?" He replies with "Oh you know, A redheaded-slut with a splash of coke."
How did the native find his sister in the woods? Pretty good!
I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a licensed six offender.
Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident? She got cut off by a dick.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
I've been to the dentist a couple of times So I know the drill.
What's the best part of having sex with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of 'em.
This Valentine's Day I'm single by choice Just not my choice
You literally misuse the word "literally" every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.
What do you say to someone riding a stoned horse? Get off your high horse.
Well, that's enough internet for the year. see ya guys in a few days
Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs" Son: "You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"
Whats a rednecks favorite thing to do on Halloween? Pump Kin
Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
All our pigs are learning karate. Oh I don't believe that No? Well just watch out for their chops.
Q: How do you stop a French tank? A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!
You know how I deal with migraines? I store them in migranary.
I would NOT want to have to pay Carly Rae Jepsen's phone bill.
Oh look! A guy with "Stand-Up Comic" in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back. That's never happened before.
Have you heard about the world's safest driver? He's wreckless!
Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts.
You don't know me. I'm PID 1, init.
Who has the most karma on Reddit? Buddha.
What is blonde and brown blonde and brown blonde and brown? Answer. Madonna doing cartwheels.
So apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
I'm not saying Ellen Pao is Hitler but.. I haven't seen the two of them in the same room..
A feminist, a vegan, and a person who does CrossFit walk into a bar. I know this because they didn't shut up about it the entire night.
What is the most searched porn on the ginger-bread man's computer? Crumbshots
Why do Firemen have bigger balls than Policemen? Because they sell more tickets.
Girl- send your pic. Me - i hv a group photo with friends. Girl- ok send. Me *sent a group photo* Girl - where are you ? Me- clicking pic.
Don't eat my chocolate. I'll be back Monday.
Kevin Smith's new movie looks awful. I think I'd rather watch a movie directed by Southwest Airlines.
If he's dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven't gotten my period."
A blonde is taking money out of an ATM, when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks." The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."
A guy goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian looks at him and says, "Fuck off, you won't return it!"
The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar... ...it was tense.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be open when she brings it to you.
Why don't the Beastie Boys juggle vegetables anymore? Because they kept making the beets... MMMMMM DROPPPPP
Did you hear the one about the peanut who rode the subway? He was a salted. Sexually. He was a salted sexually. . . .there's nothing funny about that.
A Man Has a Heart Attack on a Plane... Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?! Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.
ELI5: Why do we blink subconsciously? You aren't now!
Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas? Sooner or later they find a potent cousin.
The Amish girl was excommunicated... ...too Mennonite.
Things I use my car for, from most to least: 1)Tweeting while parked 2)Snacking 3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy 4)Driving
I shot a black teenager the other day I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Guy finds secret trick into heaven... Gods hate him
- How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.
Where did the poor Italian man grow up? The spaghetto
My wife's been nagging me to see the dentist about a tooth extraction. She says getting me to go is like pulling teeth.
If Donald Trump builds a 40 foot wall... The only thing he'll do is create a market for 41 foot ladders.
If you made a viral video of a cow... It'd be called a bo-Vine.
What do you say to a handicapped dog? Down Syndrome, down!
Pro Tip Jehovah's Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry Try it
Two handicapped men walk into a bar... PRAISE THE LORD!!
"Hi, I'm Anne Hathaway for Proactiv. I've been blessed with great skin, I'm just lucky I guess, but I totally support you if you need this."
I threw my laptop into the ocean.. Its a Dell rolling in the deep.
You know how to make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Vivid Entertainment offers Miss Colombia $1mil to star in a porno. Wait, they just took it back and offered it to Miss Philippines.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Why is it "canceled" in America, but "cancelled" in England? Because we gave them that L in 1776.
What is a Nazi's favorite bird? Q: What's a Nazi's favorite bird? A: Austrich
What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear? Shot it!
Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not? Because it wasn't raining!
Did you hear ISIS secretly makes sex toys? They specialise in blow up dolls
I'm glad they outlawed texting while driving. I can finally get some use out of this calligraphy set.
What are facts about canines we must believe? Dogma
Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.
"We are out of oranges" he said, fruitlessly.
what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? the wheelchair
What s the difference between an ostridge ? it can neither fly
I heard that ' Call of Duty' has a different name in the Middle East. They call it "The Sims".
My friend's name is Jesus. So if I go driving with him, can Jesus literally take the wheel?
Entering Area 51 US soldier: - Sir, this is secret teritory and you don't have permission to... - me - Where the fuck are you running, Pikachu?!
What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear
What do you call a shark with no friends? A lone shark
What were the protestors outside Erin Andrew's court house shouting today? White Nudes Matter!
The batteries on my camcorder died halfway through my wife's wedding speech. I'm never going to hear the end of it.
I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before hoes.. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis
OMG!! I made a science Joke. What did the German small intestine say when you asked him if he would go to the party? -Vill i?
Me getting kicked out of my feminist group was all just a big misterunderstanding.
What is Kim Kardashian's favorite sex position? On camera. Credit to this week's episode of *The Soup*.
Frenchman in sandals What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe flop I'll let myself out
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin. The Gravity of this Situation.
Don't stay inside and get depressed about the news. Go outside and get skin cancer!
What can you never eat for breakfast? Dinner.
Tim buck two One day, my mate Tim and I went camping, we met three girls in their tent. I bucked one and Tim bucked two.
Terrible news. The guy who created AMC cinema's has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2:30, 5:20 and 7:45.
Donald Trump is a proof that internet comments can turn into a human and run for a president
I held a convention for solipsists. Nobody else showed up. So I sent everyone home.
[sees kid crying in the mall] "What's wrong?" "I'm lost." "You're in the mall you little idiot."
I once dated this German golfer chick. She was a pretty cool girl but she wouldn't ever do anal. She lovingly referred to her butthole as her back nein.
Teacher With student.. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start ? Well first I created the sun then the earth
A blond goes to bed with a glass of water and an empty one. The latter is in case she wakes up not feeling thirsty.
Friends are like boobs. You've got small ones, big ones, real ones, and fake ones.
Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped The Police still have no lead.
I wanted to be a feminist for Halloween... ...but a fat suit is out of my budget.
The difference between sexists and misogynists... Sexist: I like my women like I like my jeans - loose in the crotch! Mysogynist: I like my women like I like my jeans - acid washed!
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren't a thing.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You know who's the greatest person ever? *the first word of this joke*
They say in a group of friends, there's always one person who's probably a psychopathic killer. There's no group now... I couldn't take that chance.
Little Johnny The teacher came up to Johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what separates you from a monkey. Johnny said with confidence "the desk".
What do you call two witches who share a  room? Broom-mates.
Password not accepted. I just decided to buy something on-line and I needed to create a new password. I used the word "mypenis" but it was not accepted. They said it needed to be longer.
Yesterday I got dared to have surgery that prevented me from moving my neck... There's no turning back now
Little monster: Mom Mom what's for tea?  Mother monster: Shut up and get back in the microwave.
How does James Bond sleep? Around.
By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to go volunteer to help with something
What is Dracula's girlfriend called when she gives him head? Down for the count!
It was really cold today... It was so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!
"At least you're going to get a lot of material out of this," is comedian-speak for, "Sorry about your life, dude."
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep but once a month it's shark week.
Did you hear about the Mexican that was shot on the golf course? There was a hole in Juan.
I thought i ran away from the Tomatoes I really didn't think they would ketchup.
Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence. For example: "Ben is in a hurry" "Ben is in a coma"
So funny how "go to sleep" and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to kids.
Waiter, I'll have what he's having. Ok sir. One fly in your soup. Anything else?
I'm listening to U2 acapella recordings. Just needed to take The Edge off
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole? Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can't be that.
Second attempt How to survive in Russia in 21 century?
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. ^^^^^Sorry
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
I'm glad we don't call detergent by its full name: Detergentleman.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable ...like a coma.
What happens when Trump makes a meme? it goes dankrupt.
-I can't stand liars and fakes -You are so pretty -See? Why can't everyone be honest like you
Vegan ribs are actually delicious! The hardest part is hunting down the vegan.
"Dad, am I adopted?" "No. We haven't found anybody who wants you yet."
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
(Male-related)When I have a double stream, is there something obstructing the penis? or is it just being a dick?
Apple just created a new Operating System for the Spanish speaking population It's called Froot-OS.
Kids are like smoking cigarettes. I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me. Jim Jefferies
What do you call it when a chickpea gets killed? Hummuside
Girls say they want a guy with a sense of humor, but they don't specify what type. Remember, serial killers think murder is a hoot.
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct. Poor Superman.
10 Ways to disguise Click Bait! Edit:Thnx for the gold stranger :)
Did you hear there was a stick up on the bridge? Yeah, they don't know how it got up there considering there are no trees there.
Procrastination Paradox... If you come in last in a procrastination contest because you procrastinated, does that make you the best or worst at procrastinating...???
A warning shot into the head.
Do you know how NASCAR got its name? It's from North Carolina. There were a bunch of dudes standing around a car, and one of them said, "That's a nas' car."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He  didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she  didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
David Cameron didn't do much as the Prime Minister of the UK But Theresa May.
My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets. "No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."
The reason cats are so pissy is they're God's perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[Friday Night] WIFE: Have fun at poker ME {stopping at door}: What did you say? W: Have fun ME: After that W: Uh..at poker- ME: IT'S POKEMAN
What's a joke only redditor's would get?
To catch a woman, one must think like a woman. *places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap
There aren't atheists in a falling plane ...
What kind of nuts go on a carrot cake? First time posting to r/baking.
Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
Can you honor Maya Angelou by not pretending that you knew much about her?
Him: your account was stolen! Me: My twitter account? Him: no your bank account! *sigh* Me: thanks God!
My friend kept nagging me to donate one of my prepositions to charity. Eventually, I gave in.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
There once was a Little Girl named Sue... She likes a lot of celebrities. But, every person she idolises commits suicide. Because they're Sue's idols! Hahaha?
I wonder how many calories women burn by... ... jumping to conclusions.
I went to a new zoo that has opened up in my area yesterday. Wasn't really worth it, they had one animal and it was a dog. Turns out it was a Shih Tzu.
As a Harry Potter fan, I dream of going to Hogwarts. My friend is a Narnia fan, and he's always wanted to go to Narnia. My other friend is a Hunger Games fan, but he's good.
I just long for a relationship with someone who doesn't make me feel like I'm missing out on something cool on television or the internet.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
How is a speech impediment like a box of chocolates? It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content.
What is E.T short for? Because he's got little legs.
I haven't seen Democrats this upset with a Republican since... A Republican took the Democrats' slaves away
Why do so many Latinos drive Hondas? Because they're reliable, quality made cars.
Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.
I'm gonna tell a Potassium joke. K?
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
HOLLYWOOD They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a slave but id only been married for 10
Hey Tuesday, I'm about to go to 2nd base with you. Lube up your boobs.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
What does Drew Carey have in his driveway? Cleveland Rocks!
*tear runs down cheek "Why are all these people dead on the inside?" "Sir, this is a morgue."
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Werewolf Barbie ...normal doll except under a full moon
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My New Year's resolution for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 12 more to go.
I'm a secondhand veggietarian. I eat cows. Cows eat grass. It's science. Merica.
Got a problem with me? I'm pretty sure a status on Facebook won't fix it.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Where do weirdos ride their bicycles? Psycho-paths. (as told by one of my coworkers)
Jokes are like packages. While the content is important you mustn't forget about the delivery.
Which is Better, a Cat or a Dog House? A dog house, because a cat house has no woof!
Shake what your momma gave ya! *shakes old decorative wreath* (pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I overdosed on my homeopathic medicine today. Forgot to take it.
Post your best "Jared Fogle" jokes! Here's mine:Jared Fogle loves to eat little girls ham sandwiches.
Microsoft skipped Windows 9 because 7, 8, 9
There are four states of matter. Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one's knowledge or competence. Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I was trying to help my family overcome their drug habits... ...but it got too *meth*-y. Ill just let them *weed* themselves out.
I don't wanna ruffle any feathers here, but... *blows gently on a baby duck*
Harry Potter's favorite band Just read the new Harry Potter story on Pottermore and learned one interesting factoid. His favorite band is Wand Erection.
I'll have you know that my penis was once in the guinness book of world records... But then the librarian yelled at me and made me leave the library.
Mexican Hippie Slogan We love everyjuan!!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist camp? It's not hard.
How do we know Floyd Mayweather isn't a bomb? Because he can't tell the time.
Tall Grande at Venti. It's the midget psychic at large in the perspective of Starbucks. Can I get internet points now?
people say they're "over the moon" when they're happy, but it's a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
an icicle got in a fight with a cpu it's okay, it's all water under the sandy bridge now
My wife got a seashell tattoo on her thigh. When you put your ear on it you can smell the ocean.
What do you call it when you make fun of someone's gambling addiction? Slot shaming.
[NSFW] How do you tell if your Billy Idol fan girlfriend has a Three Stooges fetish? In the midnight hour she cried "Moe! Moe! Moe!"
A man was marched to an atm, and made to take out $300. Thats the last time he forgot his wifes birthday.
You might be from Mexico but I'm sure I've eaten more Mexican food than you.
I think there are no black guys in NASCAR because the seats won't recline and there's no room for a gangsta lean.
You should never marry a tennis player. Apparently love means nothing to them.
[pick-up line] Your like perfect ionizing energy to my electrons ... You really make me excited
If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs was it a joke?
What's the funniest thing /r/funny has done? Gone private.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
What is a 6.9? A great thing ruined by a period.
If I ever have to feed kids, I just shove shit in a blender give them a straw & tell them that's what astronauts eat.
I overheard a work colleague saying they are going to a fancy dress party as a small island of the coast of Italy I said don't be Sicily
How many Obama-voters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Obama voters are obviously too lazy to work at anything, so they just HOPE for the lightbulb to CHANGE.
Will Will Smith smith? Will Smith will smith.
What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor
I love the F5 key. It s just so refreshing.
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The 'musical chairs' was a bit slow, but 'pass the parcel' was damn quick!
Why did the director get kicked out of the bar? He was making a scene!
A man fixes a lightbulb, crosses the street, and walks into a bar. He tells the bartender: "My whole life is a joke."
How did the leper hockey game end? There was a face off in the corner.
USA soccer We Ghana win.
Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US? I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright
POLICE: knock knock DRUG DEALER: who's there P: weed DD: weed who P: we'd like to come in and arrest you DD: lol good one, come on in
What do you call a security guard stationed outside of a Samsung? A Guardian of the Galaxy
I want to get married just so I can throw my wedding ring in anger. I bet it's a lot cooler than aggressively untying a friendship bracelet.
The blind girl I was getting a handjob from told me I had the biggest dick she'd ever put her hands on. I said, "Nah, you're just pulling my leg".
There is no "I" in TEAM. But there is MEAT. Delicious meat.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms, "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks, "No" the guy says, "she's not that ugly"
Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money furs and diamonds.
Q: What's an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map.
What do male lawyers call a female barrister? A barista. Because she's only useful for getting coffee.
sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures
Did you hear about the actress who died? SO: "Did you hear about that actress who died? Reese...Reese..? Me: "Witherspoon?" SO: "No. With a knife." Me: "..." Legitimate laughter ensued.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!
I like my puns like I like my sausages... the wurst ones are the best.
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it... Guess I really am...independent.
[God making water] "it helps plants" ANGEL: nice "cleans things" A: ok "u die if u don't drink it" A: "& drown if u drink it wrong" A: what
Imagine if trees gave off Wi-Fi signals, we would be planting so many trees and we'd probably save the planet too. Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath.
Sunburn: Getting what you basked for.
My girlfriend and I were so happy for 22 years. Then we met.
My friend got me a sweater for Christmas... I would have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but she did the trick.
I remember the first time I ever masturbated... ... it was a seminal moment.
Knock Knock Its the Spanish inquisition
My friend wrote a joke on an egg and gave it to me to share with others. But I forgot and spoiled it.
Cars &amp; sex -Hey Marc, I bet your sexlife is like your Ferrari! "I don't have a Ferrari." -That's what i mean.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Broken Window Wife: You need to fix the bathroom window, then neighbor can see me every time I shower. Husband; I know, he saw you and called me to tell me he's paying for the window repair.
What is Arnold Schwarzenegger's sexual orientation? Bicepsual.
I'm just waiting for a bold, courageous restaurant that IS responsible for lost or stolen items.
I am a massive massive MASSIVE worrier. I can't stress enough.
How many cross-dressers live near Manchester? Well, nearly 320,000 people round there have a Wigan address.
What do you call an angry black man? Typical. What do you call an angry white man? Active shooter.
What's the best rape prevention tool? A de-boning knife.
My internet addiction is so bad... Its alt of ctrl.
I spent some time at the wife's grave this morning. She's not dead or anything, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
How much hate does it take to qualify as a "hater"? I hate tons of stuff.
What does the Russian President enjoy having on his fries? Putine...
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a bad summer.
I've found out why gay people dress so well... It's because they spent so much time in the closet.
What do you call an outdated joke that, while sharp, has little potential for laughs? I used to know, but then I took an arrow to the knee
Here's a joke I've been working on: Q: What did the husband say when he returned home and found that his wife is missing?
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office... I will find you. You have my Word.
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout comes home from camp.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
How many refs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They only screw playoff games
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
Are you feeling sluggish and tired? Constantly yawning throughout your day? There's a nap for that!
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Boy: Hey girl, you are ABCDEFGHIJK Girl: What?! Boy: Amazing, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, hot Girl: Awww, what about the IJK?? Boy: IM JUST KIDDING!!!!
Why did Yoda never get married? Because when he was standing by alter, and asked "If he would take this women as his lawful wedded wife?" His response was "Do I?"
Sometimes when I'm about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I'm a wizard.
Have you seen  www.needleinahaystack.com? Yes but it took ages to find.
A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas. The receptionist asks, "Do you have a reservation?"
It's polite to stand when a lady comes to the table. I take it a step further and leave the restaurant entirely.
A problem shared is a problem halved Unless that problem is an STD
Corny joke What is sex like while camping? = In tents (Intense)
How does a Jew calculate his escape path? Wind velocity times chimney height.
Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who's my bi$ch? You are.
A man was eaten when he attempted to tell a joke directly to a crocodile's mouth. He didn't live to tell the tail.
I once made a horse laugh and cry. (NSFW) I told the horse I had a bigger cock. He bursted out laughing. I showed him, he cried.
When pianists fall in love what is their favourite position ? the four hands (you dirty minds)
Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train? Because it went straight pasta.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I'm going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had a six-shooter
The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. "For whosoever we are about to eat may the Lord make us truly thankful."
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn't end with, "I'll see you all at her next one." I know that now.
Gordon Ramsay screamed at me that I didn't know the first thing about seasoning But I took it with a pinch of sugar
Knock, Knock... The creator of the Knock Knock joke should get a Nobel Prize.
I like my wine like I like my women. 10 years old and locked in a wooden crate in my basement.
What do you call a sheep taking Ambien? Shleepy!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped. Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Whats the difference between blowing an Asian and a Caucasian. The only Asian thing that will touch the throat is the sperm.
Casey Anthony is still unemployed...? She should have a pretty good resume though. She had a job as a mother once and killed it!
Toaster are like gremlins for people who are on a diet or don't want to kill themselves. 1. Do not get wet 2. Do not feed after midnight
"Then it's agreed. We'll meet back in this same place in 10 years." -Me to some dishes in my sink
Going on the Obama diet... Putin will eat my lunch everyday...
I dumped my girlfriend, Ruth, the other day. I told myself I'm just gonna be Ruthless in love from now on.
When a group of mercenary electric powered robot horsemen attack... ...is it a charge charge charge?
Whats black, big, and smelly? An unemployment line.(:
"Love me do" was written by John Lennon... After he got a really nice haircut
I'm at the vets..... A man opposite me weeps with an empty cage in his arms. I'd be crying too if I were that forgetful.
Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid? Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.
The people doing it in pornos are in love, right?
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a two-legged-dog A puup
So I just asked my SO's mother the agenda for tomorrow's festivities... And my girlfriend interrupted with "Well I'll be female".
What do you call two guys using the same urinal? Peers
Have you ever heard Yoko Ono sing? Lennon really dodged a bullet with that one.
I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"
"Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner" "Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?" [long silence] [hears faint sirens in the distance]
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe* So you into computers?
Accidentally called 911 Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
I learned two important lessons today. I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The town i grew up in was so small... we had drivers-ed and sex-ed in the same car.
I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day... ... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently that is not allowed if the baby is yours.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships. Well played future wife. You win this round
I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit "ignore caller" on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What game console do Latinos use most? XBOX JUAN
Did you hear Harriet Tubman will be on the $20? Does this mean it'll be worth 70% of its value because she's a woman? Or does it mean it'll be worth 3/5th because she's black?
So I go to the shops to get some food... This motherfucker behind the counter takes my money. That's thievery.
"Hey man, he's not worth it. He's not worth it," my friends say as they drag me away from a very hard to open jar of pickles
What's a sailor's favorite thing to watch at sunset? Knot movies
If you want to piss off a fat person, just date their ex. They hate when someone messes with their leftovers
Sometimes I think my wife's a bit shallow I wouldn't want the dog digging her up
I was in Brisbane waiting for ages for a bus. Then what do you know, two float past at once.
A jew , a christian, and a muslim board a plane The stewardess says : ahh, you guys again?
What do you call a horny lightbulb? Illumi-naughty. ;)
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.
I tried to catch some fog... but i mist.
Monica Lewinski Will Not Vote for Hillary Clinton The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
I once had to draw Mohammed in pictionary Turns out he was also a known boxer and game night at the mosque was ruined (Not happy with the latter part of this "joke". Feel free to make suggestions)
What do you call a midget with an axe? A battle dwarf
Why was the lion alone and disheartened? He lost his pride in a bet
What do doors and hookers have in common? You enter, come, and go. EDIT: changed punchline
Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT Now it's just going to be called the T.
Why did the shark swim in circles? He had a nosebleed.
I pulled my cow's udder, but nothing came out. He's a milk dud.
Perhaps the most gut wrenching part of my day is the moment I look in my fast food bag to see if they remembered my straw
my wife tried to tell me that I'm in denial... So I told her to go back to school and learn geography because I'm standing nowhere near a river in Egypt
What kind of exercise does Ned Flanders like to do? Diddily-squats.
Bad sign. My fortune cookie just said, "Abdominal cramps".
I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, "YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD," because I am a mature adult.
What do you call an origional joke on r/jokes Mine
What was Hitler's favorite battery? The nein volt
What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty!
Green men make me cross.
What do you call a cow that has given birth? ..... Decalfinated.
Kate Keller is not a good mother. After learning that her daughter, Helen Keller, got turned down by a boy, she asks: "Are you seeing someone?"
What did the fish have to pay to get past the coral reef? Atoll.
Girl's status* "Bored"  86 likes  27 comments *My status* "Just got accepted into Harvard!  0 likes  1 comment from Mom: "nerd"
I wanna be the reason you're comfortable with your prostate examination
I wrote a song about a tortilla... Well, actually, it's more of a wrap.
my 2 yr old today: Mom how'd you get past the cognitivie dissonance of having me even tho climate change will render the world uninhabitable
My brain made a vote today Seven against five decided that we did not have dissociative personality disorder. EDIT: so many edits, is it alright now?
How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb? I have no idea. I did hire four prostitutes once, but we did other stuff.
I like my women like I like my flyers. Passed out
What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church? A Crystal Methodist.
*works out for six weeks *loses 2 lbs *eats a carrot *gains it back
My parents said they liked my DNA strand model. I said, "Thanks. It's a nice pair of genes."
moses: watch me split the red sea in half red sea: i've got a boyfriend
What's the tallest building? A library, because it has so many stories.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
What kind of native American is Nikki Minaj? Arapahoe.
How many cops does it tale to change a light bulb? Trick question. They just beat the room for being black.
Why is the number '9' like a peacock? It's nothing without its tail.
What is something a lot of redditors mix up? /r/askreddit and /r/jokes titles
Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? I thought you said you'd never forget.
You know you're an adult when you get excited over how much crap you just fit into a dishwasher.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo? DAD: I don't even highlight in books
Breaking news: The Irish have come up with a new use for sheep. Wool.
Presently poking others but your poke is important to me. Please stay online and your pokes will be returned in the order  they were received. Approximate wait time is five minutes.
Who wants to hear an awesome knock knock joke? Okay, you start.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One says to the other, "Oh boy, it sure is hot in here!" The other says, **"OH MY GOSH IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN"**
Things you can say about your lunch but not your gf or bf Go!
I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come over
So apparently the Phillies aren't serving beer this year... They lost the opener Stupid but its an Uncle joke so I had to
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're stuck up cunts.
My new american football video game has so many glitches. It's really maddening
In my office, I tried pushing the envelope... But it's still stationery.
My ex wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
What did the ghost serve at his Halloween  party? Hallowieners!
What's a candidates favorite instrument? Trump-et
The actual secret ingredient on most Iron Chefs is forehead sweat.
That awkward moment when you lean in to hug someone sexy and bump your head on the mirror.
My favourite Haiku Space is limited In a haiku, so it's hard To finish what you
Why don't ghosts have kids? Because they have Hollow-Weinies
What do you call a cow that has abortion? Decaffeinated
Did you see that documentary about the death penalty? Tired concept, great execution.
Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn't oblivious to my Italian bloodline.
It's a hard life being a window... Everyone can see right through you
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Where do mermaids go to see movies? ...The dive-in
What do you call a snake that works for the government? ~~A civil serpent~~ Senator.
I registered to a website for constipation sufferers. It won't let me logout.
Sometimes I ponder over things like, -What is life? -Where am I going? & -What the hell is a "spokes" person for a bike company called?
My mom: Asians are some of the safest people in the world... Me: There are asian gangs too My mom: And they're called study groups!
Are you guys sure common sense can't be beaten into people ? Because I'd like to give it try!
My girlfriend is going to leave me... because of my poker addiction... I think she's bluffing.
i love summer so much *sits around doing nothing*
What did Lawrence Taylor say when they told him the prostitute he was with 15? "That bitch told me she was 13!"
Which animal has a dick on its back? Police horse
What do you call the sweat that forms on a guys scrotum while he copulates with his sister? Relative humidity.
Why did little Johnny lose his ice cream? He got his by a bus. My little brother just told me this!
I found a good, original joke on r/jokes the other day..
67 ha ha ha 68 ha ha ha 69 HA HA HA OH MY GOD HA HA HA I'M DYING - Why Sesame Street never lets The Count get that far on air
What do you call five black people having sex? A threesome I'm sorry
What's the difference between 7/11 and 9/11? One is a part-time job the other an inside
What's the difference between training wheels and training bras? I need two hands to remove training wheels.
Need help with kids I am at dinner for mothers day and striking out with the jokes. Reddit brothers and sisters I need your kid appropriate jokes. HELP!
People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Everyone want to change the WORLD, but no one thinks of changing THEMSELVES !!!
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "See you next month!"
Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.
A byte walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender asks, "Rough day?". "parity error" replies the byte. "Yeah, you looked a bit off..."
I am a perfect role model... ...for someone who takes "how much can you fuck up your life?" As an actual challenge.
What's a pedophile's favorite shoe? White Vans
What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion? An Accordion. ...I'll, uh, see myself out.
Is Google a male or a female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said..... "Sorry, my fault."
In what circumstance would a fan restrict airflow? When you are hanging from it.
I was going to post a joke about radical Islam... but I feel that would be self-destructive
What's the difference between Gene Simmons and Richard Simmons? One porks women the other un-porks them.
Happy Birthday, black Jesus.
When chuck norris asks for change for a penny, he always gets it.
First rule of brown girl club: Don't wear pink & white striped shirts; you'll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
What do porn movies and disney movies have in common? Happy endings.
[undoes GFs bra first time] "wow have you been practicing?" don't be ridiculous [me and dog exchange glances]
Every time I see Air Tran I think of Air Tranny and then I think of a deep voiced stewardess coming up and saying, "Nuts?"
Get redditors to read your post with this one weird trick, moderators hate it!
What are some good fruit jokes? My friend is doing a video project for school and needs fruit jokes.
So two guys walk into a bar... The first one orders h20, the second one says "I'll have h20 too". The second guy died.
I was in a nightclub grinding on a girl. When someone said, "What the fuck are you doing with that skateboard?"
Listening to Katy Perry is like fucking a fat person... It is fun, it is easy, but you don't want others to know you do it.
Did you know in judaism there is no hell? Hitler changed that
What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons? Arr! It's driving me nuts!
I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET Boss hangs a poster in Office "I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET" He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk. "Ur wife called, she wants her poster back home."
What did Neil Armstrong say when he was offered another trip to the moon 'I'm over the moon'
For Halloween, I'm going out as "gay wedding" ... ... it seems that billions of people are scared of it!
JUDGE: So to be clear, you're pleading not guilty to stealing the child's shoes? ME: [heelies up to the mic] That's correct
What do you call a funny pancake? a puncake
What does D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexia Association
Q. How do blonde brain cells die? A. Alone
A retard and a Christian walk into a bar.... the Christian says "do you believe in god?", and the retard says "what do I look like? , some kind of retard?"
Yo Mama soooo old she was wearing a Jesus starter jacket!
I had sex last night with a girl who had to be in control of every damn thing. It was my first time having anal sex.
If someone is cramping your style, Tell they, go masturbate elsewhere you pedophile!
How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail? They exchange cell numbers.
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that were buried in them.
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader..? Tell him that Asylum Seekers are the natural predators of Paedophiles.
Winning the Lottery by Jack Potts
How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? Take away its brooms.
How did the Jewish Pedophile try to pick up kids? Hey, you kids wanna buy some candy?
my girlfriend said I have to give up my love of pointing out objects, or she would leave. I responded: "well there's the door"
Mexicans used to excel at cross-country... ... but Donald Trump could be the reason they get a gold in pole-vaulting
What's the cheapest meat on the Market? Dear balls. They're under a buck.
"So I went to this convention called, "Ladies Without Legs", and man... was that place crawling with pussy." - Willie Nelson
[2024] "Yeah my dad left to get vape juice 6 years ago, but he never came back"
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but...they can't make a microwave that I can put metal in. Someone isn't trying.
Lettuce. Because water should be crunchy.
"So your telling me that you'd be willing to lick your SO's butthole..." "But all be damned if you would share a toothbrush!"
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was that one night stand.
America leads the world in religious people who use 'bless your heart' as an insult.
Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring? Cuz he heard Bush got a Dick Cheney.
My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.
What happened to the gay couple that mistook Vaseline for wallpaper paste? Their wallpaper fell down!
What did the Arab say to his goat? Jihad Me at hello
How did Wendy die? The baconator
Things that just weren't meant to be heated in a microwave: lettuce, mustaches, avocados, sarcasm, other microwaves, oranges. And that's it.
Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?
What do you call a tired cow? Milked out!
I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?
Why do fencers make terrible Redditors? They always riposte.
What is a pedophile's favorite type of shoes? White Vans
Flo Rida Did you know Right Round by Flo Rida was actually taken from an old Nazi spiritual from the '40's? Oh yeah, the original goes like this: Jew spin mein head reich round, reich round...
What do you call a custard when it goes bad? Off-pudding.
Did you guys hear Adele might have cancer? It's not confirmed, but tumor has it
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery? Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot? Him: Me: Him: How much money do you have?
Instead of being buried or cremated, I've arranged to be liquidized. I'm not going to a funeral if I can't get drunk.
The real meaning of Halloween gets lost in all the marketing. Most people don't even know Jesus fought a dragon, let alone why.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I'm so sick of this new year's jokes I've been hearing them all year.
How's Terry Fox like Jack Layton? They both tried to run a country and died before finishing.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
What's the Italian word for suppository? innuendo
My friend showed me his pictures from his exchange program in Amsterdam. It turns out he did a project at the Red Light district there. Damn, he really was studying a broad!
What's the deal with rape whistles? I can't imagine a situation in which blowing on a whistle is more effective than yelling "RAPE!"
How did God get Mary pregnant? He used the holy immaculate contraception
I never give homeless people drugs because I know they're just going to trade them for food
The Energizer Bunny got arrested the other day... He was charged with battery
white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt
What do you say when the inventor of the telephone falls over? Alexander Graham Fell!
America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
I recently submitted my resume to Sony But they canceled the interview
A naked women robbed a bank.... A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face
When she moans "deeper", but... you've run out of government secrets.
Its better to remain silent and let people think you a fool... ...than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
how to see if theres a american on this post bill nye the science guy
The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.
I sold my vacuum cleaner on ebay........ It was just sat in the corner collecting dust.....
Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you're probably not making it out alive.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song? I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas
how does a moel make his money? he collects the tips.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.
If your restaurant order starts with a question, I already hate you.
I don't know what it means to "find your better half" but I hope my better half is a robot so that I can be half human half robot.
I like my coffee like an excellent slave Black!
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There's 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. :(
I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.
I went out with one woman who turned out to be an arsonist. I met her on match.com
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
If I was the editor of a magazine, I would put gametes on the cover Because sex cells.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Gay men tend to be very tongue-in-cheek.
What do you call a gay keyboard layout? Qweerty
My mom told me that I objectify women. When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend I said "it didn't work out." She said "be more specific." I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."
Euchre is a lot like sex... If you have a good hand, you can go it alone.
Tried having an argument with a Mobius Strip... ...It was pretty one-sided
LPT: Name Your Hands, Instant 3some
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
What Do You Call A Jewish Dilemma? Free Ham
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They are making headlines!
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Just kidding Girl: I'm breaking up with you. Boy: Ok, then let me remove the like from all your fb DP's. Girl: Oh! Come on! Don't be mad. I was just kidding.
[Fitbit commercial with me] BEFORE: lazy guy AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"? Because women have no rights. *Sorry of this is rude/offensive and if its a repost, I just wanted to share.*
I wish my girlfriend.... Would go down as much as Pokemon Go servers
A recent earthquake has wiped out Etchisketchistan
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she's tweeting during the meeting.
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away... Steve Jobs proved this one wrong.
Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
they say that if you play nickelback backwards, it's devil worship... But even worse, if you play it forwards it's nickelback
My girlfriend left me recently because I kept on touching pasta... Right now I'm feeling cannelloni...
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice
Why did Frodo set his cell phone to vibrate? He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn: 1. The importance of listening 2. 101 euphemisms for "the monthly visitor"
What do Karl Marx and the founder of Linux have in common? Both of them hate classes.
Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children? ...because Santa comes but once a year
I have glasses but cannot see. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I? A riddle.
I named my penis 'secret'... ...Strong enough for a man, made for a woman.
What's a pirates favorite letter? Ye think it be R but it a actually be the C
What is the difference between a baby and a stamp? I don't have a stamp collection.
why did the hipster burn his lips? he drank coffee before it was cool
Someone threw a grill at my face. The attack made headlines.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
What do you call a girl in between 2 houses? Alane
A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar Now that's a sweet ass
This sub should be referred to as "Geddit."
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian!
Are you cold? Come sit in the corner, it's 90 degrees.
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian.
How do Frenchmen share files? Pierre to Pierre.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Louie C.K.'s Honda Civic joke at the Oscars Really struck Accord
The RAF will be doing a flypast over Buckingham Palace. Due to a lack of aircraft they'll be using the Easy-Jet from Gatwick to Barcelona.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
A G N B: That's bang out of order.
Yo mama is so old that her bus pass is in  hieroglyphics!!
What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? addictionary
How do you confuse a heterosexual person? Eleven
What? What do you call a man with one extra finger on his left hand? John Dillinger.
Why was the monster standing on his head?  He was turning things over in his mind.
An invisible man broke up with his invisible girlfriend... He didn't think they should see each other anymore.
Life is meaningless and we all die in the end xD
Got a pretty bad burn on my arm. I was putting a pie in the oven & my dad came up behind me & put a cigarette out on my arm.
Being great in bed is like being attractive or smart. The more you talk about it, the less I believe it.
I just crashed a massive party... ...bus. Luckily there were no major injuries
Have you seen the new French Flag? It's a white cross on top of a white background.
My wife is a sex object I ask for sex, she objects
*runs in out of breath* Friend: what's going on? Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me Friend: Ok *waits* *bear runs in, also out of breath*
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just 1. It's offensive that you thought this was a joke.
Another day done. Time to kick back and second-guess every social interaction I had at work.
Why don't girls go to.... Why don't girls go to the bathroom after having sex? Have you ever tried opening a grilled cheese sandwich?!
It's so hot, everybody looks like they're in an American Apparel ad.
Ten years ive been looking for a play on words to impress my friends.. No pun in ten did.
I use my neighbor's outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with strangers.
What do you call a group of paralyzed hippies? Organic Vegetables.
I'm not mature enough to work at Siemens.
I call bs on the Ninja Turtles having those ripped abs. No way you could do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me Ive tried.
Advanced OCD I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order; like they should be.
What South American dance do cows like to do?  The Rump-a
What cuts four farts in the morning, two farts at midday, and three farts in the evening? A sphinxter.
When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
How much does a truck made of light weigh? Photons
What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre ? A spinning wheel !
Gary Johnson Has won the election.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must've felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
don't let the glasses fool you, I'm an idiot
Why didn't the magician shave? He made it disabeard..
What do you call a young male cow? Cowboy
I was going to make an anal joke... Butt fuck it.
What do you call it when one musician abuses another? An act of violins.
Stupid cats, can't even YOLO
One day... I'll look up what procrastination means.
How do you know if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
I was going to make an anal joke... Butt fuck it!
They say real girls ain't never perfect, perfect girls ain't never real.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the light bulb and one to drink until the room spins.
My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror But I really can't see myself doing that.
I just said, "who the hell is calling here at 9 o'clock at night?" and I died a little on the inside.
I hear Superman is a very overprotective parent. His kids are under constant super-vision.
A polar bear walks into a bar Sez, "l'll take a gin .... [ ] .... ..... and tonic." Bartender sez, "Why the big pause"?
Before working to reunite the US he was known as Abram Lincoln.
this is our son, Ryder Kade Ace Hypermasculine Overcompensation for Daddy's Fears Jones-Rendenburg
What's the best way to fit 30 Jews in a 5 passenger car? 30 in the ashtray
How to keep a man happy: 1) Phone him 86 times a day 2) Wail hysterically 3) Be needy 4) Never sleep with him 5) Buy yourself shoes
How heavy is a Chinese dumpling? Wonton.
Why did the burgler take a bath? He wanted to have a 'clean getaway'.
A cow walks into a bar n.
Just found out Fox News's website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.
Q: Why didn't Count Dracula get married? A: He wanted to remain a bat-chelor.
My mom told me today that she is surprised I don't have a cat. I told her I was surprised she has a husband.
Why do Jews love sandwiches? Because they're not made in ovens.
What did the accountant do when he was constipated? He worked it out with a pencil.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn't seem to work as well for him.
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.
...and the bartender says, "sorry. We don't serve time travellers." http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsvu6/a_time_traveller_walks_into_a_bar/
If women ruled the world, there would be no wars... Just bunch of countries not talking to each other
Just because your kid says, "You're my hero" does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
What's long and black? The unemployment Line.
"I have a friend..." "I have a friend who watches Japanese anime and likes vandalising Renaissance art with drawing pins." "Really?" "Yeah, he loves A Tack on Titian!"
Why doesn't Japan have elections? I dunno but it's probably the reason for their low birth rates.
My brother can dish it out, but he can't take it. He since lost his job as a waiter.
Dirty fetish one liner The hardest part of being into double penetration, is that you have to get two people into it.
"I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen." "Sir that's not- "You got a problem with pens?"
What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire
Why did Moses spend 40 years romeing in the desert he dropped a quarter
I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned his cookies. Some how the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Heard today that most feminists are lesbians that's why they can't think straight.
Why did the peanut go to jail? He was a-roasted peanut.
How do know a job's been done by a lesbian carpenter? There are no nails, and no screws, it's all tongue and groove!
Hey, I fucked your mom last night. *Sigh* I know dad...
You know what they called vegetarians 300 years ago.... Poor People...
"Please punch in your account number, phone number and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!"
Whenever I have trouble getting out of a hot shower, I simply count down from 100. Today I got to -634.
One of my fantasies is meeting Bono from U2 and saying "I'm a huge fan, Bobo."
Why did the Computer Engineer retire young? He had a lot of cache.
So a Priest says to a Rabbi.... "Hey, we should go fuck those kids..." and the Rabbi says: "Outta what?"
I was in a porno once but I only had a small part
What's the difference between men and women when it comes to drinking? My boys drive me to drink, but women drive me to drink.
Nothing beats a beautiful woman. Except Chris Brown
What do you call a cow that's missing a leg? A 3 legged cow
Why did the 3 men go in to the bar?.. To get drunk
My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
I accidentally watched some gay porn last night... ... it was the worst 28 minutes of my life.
I like my women like I like my champagne 13 years old and smashed over the bow of my yacht
My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated. We think that's what killed her.
Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.
To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. 
What do you do with an infected chemist? You try to Curium. If that doesn't work and he dies, then Barium
I'm positive I lost an electron... ...better keep an ion that.
How many tickels until a octopus laughs Ten-tickels...... I'll leave
Shout out to my grandpa That's the only way he can hear
You know what they say? Once you go white, you'll rob the world of it's resources and murder indigenous peoples.
Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... Stop right there, me! I'm under arrest for posting an unoriginal joke!
I had a dream about mufflers last night... I woke up exhausted
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "GET OUT OF MY BAR, YOU FUCKING HORSE!"
On what grounds did the wife divorce her husband when she found out he was having an affair with the leader of Cuba? Infidelity
I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it's 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can't get this horse off my couch
Very normal stages of anger: 1) kinda upset 2) crying 3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.  "Yes how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir" he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul... Thank you for your time.
Where do trees keep their money? In branch banks.
What do women and Slinkies have in common? Not much, but you can't help but crack a smile when see some tumbling down the stairs.
[1st date] me: do you want kids? her: Yes me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE'S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn left."
Is your refrigerator running? Cause I might vote for it.
I have you know that my penis was once in the Guinness book of world records... but then the librarian yelled and told me to leave the library.
"Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don't laminate it. Good luck." -The Government
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in dirty vans...
If I ever got the chance to go on "Jeopardy," I'd just buzz in on every question and answer "what is love?" until they made me leave.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
When does a cat need milk? Right meow... I know, the joke sucked. I'm going back in my corner now
Dancing at the Party by Hans Neesanboompsadaisy
Why does the speech impaired baker say he got fired? He took one too many whisks.
What does a sandwich filling share in common with Joffrey Lannister? They are both in bread.
Black Friday at the geology museum was great! There were so many great shales!
HE: Look My Sweety, a star is falling.... Make a wish quick!!! SHE: To Get Married with you my love &lt;3 He: Ohh Sweetheart... I think that was just an airplane light :D
Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish. That the police would never find Penny's body.
Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.
My office password's been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
My dad's the real winner of this election... He passed away last week.
What's the easiest way to condense milk? Mlk
I am a super hero... Every day after work I'm Thor.
You know you're hung over when people recognize you but they think you're E.T.
What do you call a communist pirate ship? The USS Arrrrrr
The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket... Hey, son. Check out how far i can kick this bucket.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum. Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. we call him Phil now
When it's "buy one, get one free," I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don't get them mixed up.
Whats the first word a swede says after its born? wouaaa wouaaa wu wu welcome refugees
New business name slogans Tawnya's Cleaning Service: I'm not willing to clean my own home, but I'll clean the shit outta yours! What do you think?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
So I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer.... I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
Brings donuts to work because if I can't be skinny neither can you.
Excuse me ma'am could you tell me the date? Because you're a total 10/10!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the lady who's baby I stole.
Answer Penguins have knees ? :D
What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? They both have to smell it, but neither of them can eat it
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer. Ash.
Why don't vultures eat at restaurants? They don't allow carrion.
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only 20% of the things that came out of her pussy were retarded. /r/imgoingtohellforthis ?
My first time... My first time having sex and playing football were a lot alike... When it was all said and done I was exhausted bruised and bloody... But atleast my dad came...
How do you make a drummers car more aerodynamic? You remove the pizza delivery sign! Hahahahaaa..ha
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
What does a computer say when it encounters a skunk? C: PU!
Intensive care toddler One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey. ICU baby, shaking that ass...
What do you call an old, dead, bloodsucking leech? Margaret Thatcher
Deja Moo I feel like I've heard this bull before...
What's brown and sticky? Parcel tape.
How do you kill a vegetarian vampire? With a steak to the heart.
How is a blowjob like a lobster dinner? You have to leave the house to get a good one.
My doctor told me, "If you don't quit smoking, it doesn't really matter how poorly you eat" and that was the best day of my life.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Why did the pig have ink all over his face?  Because it came out of the pen.
I gave a homeless guy some cheese today. I feel gouda 'bout it.
What kind of tea isn't fake? A property
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk? anUDDER failure.
What do you call it when a homosexual asks a question? A Query.
You think it's difficult to plug one nostril and blow out the other? It's snot rocket science.
I can make you speak like an Indian. How? That's right!
Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love Vista baby".
What do you call a sometimes homosexual arctic bear with heavy mood swings? A Bi bipolar polar bear!
So Muhammad Ali died recently and... I made the huge mistake telling my Muslim friend.
So Helen Keller walks into a bar . . . . . . then she walks into a table, she knocks over a lamp, barks her shins on the ottoman, spills a drink . . . it's fine I'll show myself out.
Why did the French chef kill himself? He lost the huile d'olive
What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars
UKIP joke A man walked into a Pakistani book shop and asked the owner if they had UKIP's new book. The shop owner said "Fuck off, get out and stay out." So the man replied, yep that's the one.
Women only call me ugly untill they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly &amp; poor
What are the best funny fake names you know?? I submit - Craven Moorehead
I'm catching a lot of Pokemon on my drive home... ... because the hospital stay after a car accident tends to make the commute last much longer.
My husband is half Mexican half Polish. Last week he stole his own hubcaps.
I asked Santa for a new energy policy... ...but all I got in my stocking was a lump of coal. :-(
Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year
My brother tried killing himself by running his car in his closed garage. He drives a Tesla.
Q: What kind of bar do fish go to? A: A sand bar.
Heard a great joke at work today. Now if only I could remember it.
I heard this joke about a monorail It's a great one-liner.
I met two guys named Otto and Manuel at a party... ...Manuel made me do all the talking but Otto wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise!
Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!
ABC's hit new show "Dancing With Some Cars" cancelled after two episodes, 43 deaths and 70 injuries
T is for mugs
The Detroit Lions
"Help, I've lost the remains of an Egyptian pharaoh in a park in South London!" "Tooting Common?" "No, Neferkheperure-waenre Amenhotep IV."
A Jewish boy needs $20 So he asks his father. Son: Papa, could I have twenty bucks please? Father: Ten bucks!? Whaddya need five bucks for!?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints
Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher: "can kids of our age have kids?" Teacher replied " NO Never!!" Boy said to girl : "see i told you not to worry!!!!".
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Now why don't sumo wresters shave their heads? To avoid being mistaken for nazis.
What's the most positive thing about Africa? HIV.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse: If you're hot, she's cold If you're comfortable, she's cold If you're cold, she's not in the car
Why was math so easy in ancient Rome? x always equals 10
Policeman: Did you realize you just  missed that bus with your car? Motorist: Did you want me to hit it?
If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a bitch," guess what you're going to sound like.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
What do you call a nuclear-powered car? A mobile-Chernobyl!
"NSFW" Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can cum on its face afterwards.
Relationships are like algebra. Do you ever look at your x and wonder y?
There are two types of people in the world Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping".
What's the difference between a liberal arts major and a pizza? The pizza can feed a family.
How do you stop your ol' lady from ruining your Saturday night? Kill the bitch on friday.
Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine's Day.
What do you call a bee's rear end? A Bee-Hind
Q: What did the blonde think of the new  computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
My brother recently got married To celebrate, my mother decided to pull out a couple bottles from my late father's homemade alcohol collection. That way he could be there in spirits
Why are we watching a live internet stream of men exiting a hole? Isn't this using the internet backwards?
What did the bee say to the flower ? Hello honey !
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothin, they're both stuck up cunts.
WOMEN Woo men.
What is Winrar's Favorite pickup line? I can Unzip it for you.
KID:I drew you a picture! ME:What's this? KID:Our house. ME:What's the orange stuff? KID:Fire. ME:Why's the house on fire? KID:I wanna PS4.
If I really wanted to end my life I'd probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over ME: knock knock COP: who's there ME: do you know why I pulled you over COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.
Why has the pope never won a gold medal? Because he always came in a little behind.
[Knock Knock] Halloween 1981, the Potter Household Voldemort: knock knock James: Who's there Voldemort: You know James: You know who? Voldemort: Correct James: ... James: Fuck
If I text "HAITI" to American Idol, will they send the contestants there?
I wait tables with an obnoxious ex-mechanical engineer... ...he's always going on and on about the restaurant's utensil modulus.
Why are you prodding me with that ruler? "Im measuring your patience"
Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
What is the deadliest bear? Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My wife has eczema on her Boobs. She has a cracking pear of Tits.
I like how my autocorrect changes "hun" to "Hun," like I'm playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
They say not to text and drive, but I still feel totally fine after like two texts
Why are pharmaceutical chemists considered such studs? They're able to make a fun-gal cream.
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo...
How can you tell a redneck girl is a virgin? She can run faster than her brother.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them. He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"
Scary Story Told In Only 6 Words Your search history google is PUBLIC !!!
What did Hansel and Gretel say when the witch put them in the oven? She diabeetus!
Dad just dropped this at my cousin's 8th birthday party...I was the only one to burst out laughing.. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
How does Snoop Dogg get revenge? Faux pho fo' foe. Served cold of course. I also doubt Snoop has many enemies.
bollywood horror movies are just bipasha basu doing a item no. with a third world actor
There's only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren't 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.
I wish Laffy Taffy made a more modestly wrapped version for funerals and other occasions where laffing isn't appropriate.
You are 15 years old you should feel butterflies in your stomach not a baby kicking
My internet boyfriend doesn't know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.
Scientists researched if cheetahs could drive more than 60mph The results were catastrophic
Youtube Joke Youtube is like baseball, three strikes and you're out.
I think I invented some new Kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.
I just love the new minecraft update. It's groundbreaking.
A groaner for all you math lovers out there... Just kidding, that will never happen!
You're so ugly, Scorpion be like, "Stay over there!"
What's the worst thing about 90's kids? They fight back.
*ball flies past 15 love -aw thanks *ball flies past 30 love -too kind *ball flies past 40 love -you too babe Have you played tennis before?
Funniest Superbowl moment The Broncos...
You could probably win the US election by promising to make the McRib a permanent McDonald's menu item.
How heavy is a hipster? One thousand instagrams
A blind man.. Is walking down the street and stumbles upon a fish market With out skipping a beat he says "good morning ladies!" *proceeds to play colt 45*
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
A Terrorist posts a Joke on Reddit... ...joke Blows Up faster than expected.
Winning chess is the same as winning women. All it takes is the right amount of checks.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is  "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
[invention of blue cheese] "this cheese has gone off" sell it "but it's gone mouldy" I SAID SELL IT! "fine" & double the price "are u ok?"
What do you call a gay guy's saggy balls? Mud-flaps
Why do computer teachers never get  sick? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it's from me Sir, that's a Ms. Pac-Man machine *raises glass, winks*
Q: How does a blonde prepare for safe sex? A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
"Daddy, how are babies made?" "Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink.."
Even in the darkest moments there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, but yours will probably be an oncoming freight train.
If your name is Willis then you automatically have no idea what the fuck you're talkin bout.
How i made my computer run faster... I painted it black.
Terry wogans head stene is to be left blankity blank
Ugh this morning this cop was all "what's with the fake mustache" & "you can't throw turtle shells out of your vehicle" & "who's Yoshi"
When my twitter crush rt's another girl, a little part of me dies. And so does she.
Why did Hitler really commit suicide? He got the gas bill
What's 9 + 10? Dix Neuf
Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt
My local newspaper was holding a pun contest. So I submitted ten and I was sure one was going to win, but no pun in ten did.
What's a pirates favorite thing to eat? The booty.
4 stages of life 1. You believe in Santa 2. You don t believe in Santa 3. You are Santa 4. You look like Santa
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
Her: "My baby paints with her food because she's artistic." Me: "That or your baby paints with her food because she's a goddamn baby."
I like my girlfriends how I like my wine... 10 years old and locked in a cellar
According to the D.A.R.E website, Marijuana is no longer a gateway drug... Guess that means I tried all those other drugs willingly.
George R.R. martins House words should be "Book is coming" because he keeps saying it but it never seems to actually happen.
My dreams are like dinosaurs.... All big and dead.
What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? Nothing.
What does Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal!
What do you call money you pay prostitutes? Headquarters
why should you never pick a fight with an Israeli baker? Because they know Jew dough
Sean Bean is the Narrator for Civilization VI So I guess he dies after the Bronze Age or ...?
What's on TV? My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve.
Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby
What do you call a rich frog? A gold-blooded reptile.
What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino? Elephino (hell if i know) :)
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Two deer walk out of a gay bar.. One says to the other: "I can't believe I just blew 40 bucks in there."
I have discovered the code to unlock the Koreas! Up Korea! Up Korea! Down Korea! Down Korea! Left Korea! Right Korea! Left Korea! Right Korea! B Korea! A Korea!
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
One direction should be renamed 0.8 Direction
Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a feminist hippie chick? A hockey player will take a shower after three periods.
I thought the stories I wrote were a little black-and-white, but my publisher seemed to like them. He said he wants some new ones.
Three midgets walk into a bar.. sorry I have hit my lowest with this one.
"What should we name them?" Grapes "And what about these?" Grapefruits "I see. So one is a larger version of another?" Not at all "Perfect"
Why is it a bad idea to date a girl from the leper colony ? Whenever they get upset, they cry their eyes out.
TIFU by hooking up with a girl named Jenny jk fuck Jenny and Zach
Britain is like a man on a toilet... It just wanted to get rid of that shit and leave.
Marriage is for men who miss staying with their parents.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you "..y..o..u..'r..e.."
*Pays bills* *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
What's the NSA's favourite game? I spy.
What did the flower say about the tree heading to the sky? He's on route.
Yo momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Some people won't stop complaining about Steam's new updates... ... I guess they just can't see the Big Picture. (Just thought of this and wanted to share.)
What did the Mexican princess ask her sister? Tijuana build a snowman?
It's not fair that women make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes... ...that only leaves 23 cents for the guy!
[1st day in Senate] Me: I'm against genetic engineering Scientist: We've developed kids w/ volume knobs Me: How much funding do you need
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? You break his neck.
CNN Poll: 50% of Bernie Sanders supporters drink whole milk, 35% drink 2% milk, and 15% drink skim milk They all hate the 1% though
What do you call a person with no brain? A no-brainer
What's the best way to fuck a red-headed virgin? gingerly (wrote this today, if anyone has ever heard it or can find a past use, I am dying to know)
Reddit vs the Titanic At least the Titanic had a band
How do you teach a girl math? Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, give her a square root and watch her multiply.
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeves
Why did the apple cross the road? To get to the other cider.
How can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting your house? His tricycle will be parked outside.
a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
"My dad is a famous spy" Yeah my dad sucks at his job too
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs...& because I'm gay..& we always take it up a notch.
What do you call a child molesting know-it-all? A wikipediaphile
You are so ugly, when people see you.. ..staring at yourself in the mirror for a long time , they don't think you are a narcissist but automatically assume you have Body dysmorphic disorder..
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves? Russell.
Why did seedless grape cry? Unable to produce child.
If you work for Samsung.. does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My favorite types of jokes are dead baby jokes; They never get old.
How many bees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
What is the opposite of leapfrog? Toadstool *i'll just see myself out*
You might think incest is gross... **but it's** ***all relative.***
If "Bieber fever" is when a Bieber song comes on the radio & you start throwing up & stabbing yourself, then yes I had Bieber fever once.
Everybody knows about Trumps reality show, "the Apprentice." But, did you know about Hillary's show? "the Biggest Loser."
"I don't know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends." -Misery
[job int] "Under skills u put 'not being afraid of pigeons'." [nervously shifts in chair] "That's right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?"
My friend was cold so i told her to stand in a corner. Corners are 90 degrees.
A feminist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. What happens next? His head explodes, because he can't decide which one to tell you about first.
What does a Pokemon baby say to his dad in Star Wars? Waba Fett
How do you change root beer in to a beer? Put it in a square cup
A black hole was telling me a story... It sucked me right in.
What is a pirate's favorite element? Gold.
Just watched the documentary FOOD, INC. And I'm absolutely disgusted. From now on, I'm only having sex with organic chickens.
I like how glasses suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in! My daughter: You shouldn't wish for that..you're the one that does the laundry!
A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash. Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots." And the robot says, "Oh, but someday you will."
Best Christmas ever. We decided to go to the casino for the day. Happy Birthday Jesus. No whammies.
How do astronauts plan a party? They planet. (Plan-et)
Twitter's still doing that thing where I'm not funny.
Saw the pictures of the Hooters girls who were fired due to weight discrimination? Now I'm in the mood for Wings, Muffin Tops & Camel Toes
People who carry their dogs around, You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It's like one of the top known things about dogs
My new girlfriend wants to meet my dad But I do too.
What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs? A Cairopractor!
Neck Exercises by G. Rarff
I do this fun trick at parties where no one there likes me so I don't go.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Sir, on a scale of 1 to drunk, where would you say you stand? I'll sit
Very Punny! Eric is just Derek without a D
I'm sick of people saying, "Its political correctness gone mad!" That's offensive. You should say "Its political correctness gone mentally ill".
The kids are crazy about a new piglet toy. When they wind it up it eats all the spinach off their plates.
Your mama is so fat... Her alphabet is the KFCs
How do you reunite the Beatles? With two bullets.
Conversation that just happened between a friend (lawyer) and I (Architect). Friend: Everybody hates lawyers, until they need one. Me: Everybody loves architects, until they need one.
What is the square root of 69? Ate something....
There's 2 cows in a paddock One says "moo" the other says "damn, I was just about to say that."
What is the quickest way to get some easy money Saying "Ive got $200 on Rhonda Rousey to win, any takers?"
At Twitter HQ J: Users haven't complained in a while, what's going on? Devs: Oh, we've got just the thing *releases update
What did the baker say to the baby lamb who stole his dough? "Oh baby ewe...you got what I knead!"
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!
If you look at the number of mosques there are in London.... If you look at the number of mosques there are in London you can only come to one conclusion: Jesus is **** at Monopoly.
I wonder if Hitler ever thought... "Crap, did I turn the oven off?"
I like my women how I like my coffee... Without a penis!
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it's the first time he's seen her. It's wrong to promote Alzheimer's.
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto
My mother always told me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"...and some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
How many pedants does it take to replace a burnt light bulb? Glass doesn't burn.
Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.
What do your girlfriends personality and breasts have in common? They're both flat.
Did you hear the one about the amber alert? Neither did I, but should I allow the children out of my basement yet?
Mr. Belichick how do you feel about these accusations against your organization? Deflated.
Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldn't help!
Why is air like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Do you know what happens when you eat too many wontons? You weigh wonton!
I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless! It only chills on Sundays!
I recently came into a lot of money. The bank teller wasn't happy about having to use gloves.
walk up in the club like what up omg this is a funeral i am so sorry I twerked on the casket sorry for your loss.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back 4 seconds.
What does an onii-chan drive? A Niisan. *cue rimshot*
What do you call El Chapo suffering from seizures? Narcolepsy
Doctor Who was still hungry after dinner.... So he went back four seconds.
Me: *reclines* Nice Wife: I still can't believe you bought a used gynecological exam table Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can't come.
Holocaust Joke How does a German guy pick up a hot Jewish girl? With a dustpan and a broom.
What does Hillary's emails and a racist post have in common? [removed]
me: mom i like this person from twitter mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD
[phone call with ex] Me: you want to hang out tonight? Ex: sure. When & where? Me: no, we're not going. It's enough just to know you would.
what is your least favorite type of sandwich? Whoops, wrong sub.
Don't you get it man? Every single person who has discovered the identity of who let the dogs out has been brutally murdered.
Henry Miller said, "The best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature." That explains "Kim is a kunt" on this restroom wall.
The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today.... ...RIP.
Heard about the Berlin Comedy Club in the 1940s? It was Nazi time for Holocaust jokes.
A grasshopper hops into a bar... The bartender sees him and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper looks up and says, "You have a drink named Murray?"
Why shoudn't you take you Pokemon cards to the shower? Cuz Pikachu might Pik a Chu
No thanks officer. I don't even give strange men my phone number, and you're asking for my license and registration.
Yo mama's so ugly, the day she died and met saiten, saiten made her leader of hell..
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling "It's OK! There's nothing wrong! You don't need to come up here"
Why you shouldn't have sexual intercourse with a citrus fruit.... You may contract lemonaids.
How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff... Ba-Dumm-Tss
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[First date] Me: "So, what do you do?" Date: "I'm a librarian." Me: "Oh, my bad." *Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
I love long romantic walks... ...to the fridge.
Why are there windows on the back of French tanks? So they can watch the battle
I love my girlfriend, but... My wife hates her!
Did you know Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for christmas? He said it was the best book he's ever read
Me and my brother buried the hatchet last night! We dumped the hooker in the lake though.
Why did the girl fall off the swing? She had no arms
Hey street performer, try juggling life and a real job
What's another name for a dictator? Penis potato
You hear the one about the 13 inch ruler? Never mind. It's too long.
I hear seatbelts save lives! Nope, nevermind, still have cancer.
What do you call two doctors with the same career? Pair of medics.
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. 1 to screw it in and 2 to talk about how much better Neil Peart could've done it
I saw in the newspaper that my town was searching for a pedophile. I called in thinking I could help but it turns out that it wasn't actually a job opening.
a disturbing new trend called hot bowling: teens order a breadbowl full of soup at Panera & attempt to eat the breadbowl BEFORE the soup
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven raped Snow White.
I was working in the yard. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake. I hit it with a shovel. I'm happy to report the garden hose is dead
I like my coffee like I like my minorities... ... I don't.
What's the strongest muscle on a pig? The hamstring.
!False //It's funny because it's true.
Women's magazines: Page 5: accept yourself for who you are Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week Page 12: best cake recipe
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
To err is human; to moo bovine.
What's the difference between the Welland bus terminal and a Lobster with breast implants? One is a busty crustacean, and the other is a crusty bus station.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Puberty
An elephant and a camel are talking The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
Two guys walk into a bar, Which is kinda stupid because you'd think the second guy would have seen it.
Why was the lightbulb invented? Somebody had an idea.
Choose your facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing.
Wife to Husband: I'll have you know I've got the face of a teenager! Husband to Wife: Then you should give it back you're wearing it out.
I finally understand how batteries feel Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
Why was the fisherman wealthy and prosperous? Because he was a master-baiter.
What's worse than watching your brother do a double barrel roll over 15 cars on a motorbike? Having to watch him do a half barrel roll over 8 of them. R.I.P. Bobby. Never forget.
[God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them? The lanlord!
Have you heard my unemployment joke? Yeah, it needs a little work.
What do you call a joke with no ending?
weed is a gateway drug. *opens gate* Welcome To CoolFunLand
Welcome to Syria! You'll have a blast :)
Yoga is really kicking in. I'm seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.
Why don't you undress in front of Pokemon? Because they might Pikachu!
[Racist] How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb None.They just beat the room for being black.
What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called? Hindsight is 2020
The North Korean Military
Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas, it was in vein.
Me: He's starting to stir! Wife: Shhhh. Me: OH MY GOD... Wife: Be quiet. Me: HE'S GOT A KNIFE! Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Why did the cannibal get food poisoning in India? He ate Rameet!
Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but that hard hat and pickaxe are pretty suspicious.
A man goes to a zoo... ...But the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It was a Shih Tzu
I heard frogs love to go on Reddit, they talk about it all the time... I always hear them saying "Reddit...reddit..."
Cat Joke just kitten.
If the United States government had a reality TV show... It would be called House of Tards.
It was mealtime on a small airline and the  flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or No" she replied.
I swear if one more person RT's poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse's haunting imagery.
End Jokes/Quotes from the tv series QI - Season 1 Short quotes and jokes by Stephen Fry at the end of each episode of the show.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Taking their kid to a PG-13 movie must be a tough call for 13 year old mothers.
Heard this on NPR- Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body cut off? He's all right though.
A subject and verb walk into a bar... They have a disagreement. They walks out.
Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy.
the easiest way to get a ghost to stop hauntimg u is to change ur wifi password and act like u hav no idea why he cant conect to it anymore
Why is it difficult to pan for gold in Somalia? Because pyrites arrrrrr everywhere
"We don't serve time travelers..!" A time traveler walks into a bar
News: Hillary won the debate! My friends: Bernie won the debate! Trump: I won the debate! Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
What do you call an exam that a Biology major almost failed? Biodegradable.
I just saw Ex Machina... I thought it was supposed to be about AI, and not just about women.
My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.
How to get a date with a Clinton supporter today... Baby, want a tissue?
I was waiting in line for soup at my favorite Vietnamese food truck... When this guy pushes in front to place his order. I'm like, "Dude, pho queue."
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour  to cook Minute Rice?
What's a bear's favorite fruit? Tom**ato**(**ms**). Explanation: Bears are made up of atoms. Plug: /r/BearJokes
John need Taxi John: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. Steve: Yes, sir. You are a taxi
Why is Patrick so dumb? He's living under a rock.
Why do cow wear bells? Because their horn doesn't work!
Q: What did the blonde's dentist find? A: Teeth in the cavity.
Why did the mangaka fire her assistant? She didn't like his tone.
What do you call a sexy BLONDE that understands what you're saying? A MissUnderstanding!
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it's easier to get pandas to mate.
Did you hear about the shooting with the starting pistol? It was race related
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!
What does a french sheep say? Ca ba?
What's easier to load into a garbage truck, babies or bowling balls? Babies, because you can use a pitchfork.
What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisey noise annoys an oyster!
I saw a snail driving in a car with a big s on it. It was amazing to see that escargot
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout. Me: What the hell is albatrout? That's not real. 10yo: Now you're in doubt! Me: But... 10yo: ALBATROUT
A dating app called "Hinder" where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I just bought a tent with a toilet in it Shit's intense
Click Bait Joke
Why are carpenter ants the sexiest ants? Because they eat your wood.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in a pile of leaves? Rustle
Yo mamma is so fat when a bus hit her she said who threw the pebble.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment.
A girl comes out of Sherlock's office as Watson comes in...he thinks they had sex. "That girl was in college wasn't she?" "Elementary, my dear Watson"
It turns out I'm awesome at sex I come first every time!
How do you cure a Polish heroin addict? Give him a plastic spoon
Life is like a box of chocolates neither lasts long for a fat person
Q: Why did the comedian do time? A: Is it cause his jokes killed? (Nope, one in ten dead)
Did you hear about the Mayweather X Pacquiao fight? The bout was declared a bore.
Amy's Baking Company
You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hell in hell without you!
ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(
Which US state is the friendliest towards the Japanese? Ohio
I like my dates like I like my women... ...across the street and unaware that I'm watching!
I just thought of this masterpiece... No. No, I didn't because nobody here is ever original.
TIL Pigeons die when they have sex At least the one I fucked did
Are you Flappy Bird? 'Cuz I wanna tap you till you crash.
JESUS: [walks on water] JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it's only 40% miracle JESUS: You're killing me, Judas JUDAS: Actually..
You know what's Obama doing right now? He's Havana good time (sorry)
If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you'd hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
There was a terrorist attack on a French cheese shop. Reports say there was a lot of die Brie.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they're naked, just say "haha saw your doodle" and walk off. simples
Why was the gay man ambitious? Because all he wanted to do was *SUCCEED*.
I explained to my kids that babies come out the bum because I couldn't draw a very good vagina using crayons and construction paper.
If 80s movies taught me anything, it's that anyone with a sweater tied around their shoulders is a villain
The pickle is like your sandwich's pet
went to europe once for a miles davis concert --sorry, i meant kilometers davis...
Reddit? More like...Eddit
How did the set react when it heard about the Russell Paradox? It couldn't contain itself.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let's do this!!!
Him: I'm a lover, not a fighter Me: [already has on boxing gloves] Awwww, that's so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? A circus is full of cunning stunts
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve...
How long does it take a black woman to poo? 9 mouths
It's a far cry for Pokemon Omega Ruby to catch up to Alpha Sapphire in sales https://games.yahoo.com/blogs/plugged-in/xbox-one-surges-to-console-victory-in-november-012230994.html
I saw a tree harassing people today... So I told it to leaf them alone.
Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.
MySpace got old. Facebook got old. Now Twitter is getting old. What next? Damn. I guess we'll have talk to people in real life.
I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
We should've cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they're part of a Thriller flash mob
Of all the different types of pornography ... I'd say animal porn is the bestial.
in australia we call her kilometrey cyrus
If a woman that likes younger men is called a cougar... Then a man that likes little boy is called a nittany tiger.
Sometimes I wake up crabby. Sometimes I let her sleep in.
What's the difference between a queer and a refrigerator? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!
What is an ear of corn's favourite Leonardo DiCaprio movie? Inception
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want! Its a Trap.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Moderation: I don't know where it is... ...but they told us to drink in there.
*Tips fedora at a mosquito* "M'laria'
What did the author say when he added a chapter about flour to a story about soup? The plot thickens!
My cat's dead, can I play with your pussy instead?
What did Mr. Cena's fiancee say on their wedding day? No, John! *You* can't see *me!*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God's plan. God must not like her very much.
I wish I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if my hair really was ginger.. Then again I just wish people would talk to me
2010 prediction: Tiger Woods will leave golf entirely and begin a career in politics, where sex scandals are more widely accepted.
What is the difference between Trump's tie and a horse's tail? The horse's tail covers the whole asshole
How does a mathematician get rid of constipation? He gets a pencil and works it out.
What do you call a malady effecting reproduction in turtles? A reptile dysfunction
How can you tell when a bicycist comes to a complete stop? He puts his foot down.
It's my birthday today and, as a special treat, my wife has said I can have anything I want tonight. Her arse will be red raw tomorrow. Curry for dinner.
Did you hear about when Sting got a new mobile phone? He sent out an SMS to the world.
[OC] What did the imprisoned locksmith say after he told the inmates a bunch of bad jokes? "I'll show myself out."
So, my feminist cousin is diabetic and recently, her legs were amputated... ...safe to say, she won't be jumping to conclusions anytime soon.
CAUGHT ON TAPE: Lint
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven
I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.
Darth Vader once baked some cookies... But it was a little on the dark side.
Why does Donald Trump want classical music at his inauguration? He wants to grab them by Debussy.
I'm glad I'll never know the pressure a black guy has when "shooting" garbage into the waste basket.
If there isn't a Chinese millionaire that's changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don't see the point of money.
Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? The Rooster
I wish you were my big toe So I could bang you on my coffee table
1 Buy a racehorse 2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey 3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line 4 Win literally every race
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Rick. Rick is a total lover of Pixar movies. He will lend you any title except for one. He is never gonna give you Up.
Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy? None - because they were all redskins.
A gay man asked me which way I went and I said, "Counter-cockwise."
What do Reptiles love to smoke? Mariguana
What kind of ant can count? An account*ant*.
Been married so long it's almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he's even gonna make it to 1st base.
Waiter Waiter there's a fly in my ice-cream ! Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early in the year !
People often complain and belittle alternative religious organizations like atheism and scientology... but at least atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 6 is dating 7's ex, and 7 has a history of violence and has been leaving 6 increasingly threatening messages. There is no joke here, 6 is in serious danger.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I bought a little boy kitten yesterday, I named him F14. However he's really straggly... ...So unfortunately today I've had to spend all day today Grumman my Tomcat. Thank you, thank you.
Getting married at 18 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
What if I told you... You read the first line wrong Made you look
What's the difference between and egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "4 years sober..."
Parachute for sale Used once, never opened, small stain
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
What is the most mind blowing state an indian can experience Nirvana
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. "Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers."
What's a hotdog's best subject in school? History. Because history has always been written by wieners.
My favorite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
If Petrus were to get a tattoo... ...would it be called lithography?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
For the longest time I hated tumors.... but they are beginning to grow on me.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee* G: usual grande mocha man Barista: gee that's a... G: *sigh* B:...tall order G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I went to the zoo the other day. It was completely empty except for a single dog... It was a Shih Tzu.
How do you kill a hipster? Drown him in the Mainstream.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.
How does a train driver operate a train while eating gum? He goes chew chew chew... creds to my 5yo brother
A Psychic punches a blind man. The blind man didn't see it coming, but the psychic did.
Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.
A clever one from Yahoo! Answers Sea water equals salt. That's what it boils down to.
Ancestry.com will not get a cent of my money until they can tell me which apes I came from.
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do? ...Stays up all night pondering the existence of a dog
Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
I've been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz.
"How do we spell this pasta?" L "Ok" A "Got it" S "Neat" A "Diggin it" G "What the hell" N "Wait" A "I have some questions"
Credit card fraud is wrong. Unless you're poor & really horny & think a rich guy wont notice a $20/month fee for your amputee fetish.
What's a nice guy's fave drink? M'mosa
Don't worry, the right someone is out there for everyone. You'll probably never find them, or fuck it up when you do, but they're out there.
"Gary give me the gun" "I thought you had it" "I TOLD you to bring it" "I didn't" "who brought the getaway car?" -Disorganized crime
What did Joss say on the last day of shooting the Avengers? Whedon?
The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physicist while he chugs the last of his beer... The strange charm of a top down bottom's up
Why did the tree eat the other tree? It was coniferous.* *sorry
How do you make holy water? you burn the hell out of it........
Heart is mobile and you are sim GIRL:My heart is like a mobile and you are the sim card BOY:I m very happy. . . Gal:dont b too happy. . . If I get a new offer I will change the sim card..!
I want to put a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumpersticker on a goose
The wife complains I never buy her flowers. I never knew she sold them.
When I drink alcohol... Everyone says that I'm alcoholic But When I drink Fanta... No one says I'm fantastic.
Breaking: Microsoft announces the Monkees catalog now available on Zune.
Why do black people have nightmares? The cops killed the ones that had a dream
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired? He became an ex-terminator!
I won't do standup right now... Let me wipe my ass first.
Automatic flusher Automatic soap dispenser Automatic sink Automatic paper towel dispenser N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E
Why do Mexicans cross the border alone? Because there can only be Juan.
What did one Redditer say to another? Doesn't matter, the real joke is in the comments.
Shout out to that old cop in movies, talkin' 'bout how soon he's gonna retire & go sailing with his wife. Dude is about to get BLOWED UP!
What's a great thing to do in Fresno? Leave.
How often do you guys close your internet tabs? One of mine is from the Kerry/Edwards campaign.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[drake deepthroating a fully cooked sausage] I'm on my wurst behavior
If a tree falls down in the woods... But nobody is around to hear it. Does a hipster still buy the album?
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Check her arm.
Why aren't there any republicans in Star-Trek? Because it's the future.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
Why did the chicken crossed the road? To piss off drivers
Why didn't the Buddhist monk vacuum under his couch? He had no attachments.
All Women want is a Guy that makes them laugh- And from what I can tell, Rich guys are fucking hilarious
One hundred bacteria walk into a bar... of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?
What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics? So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
North Korea is back online after internet outage. Sources say South Korea changed the wifi password.
Police station toilet stolen Officers say they have nothing to go on
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move" She: Judgmental Corpse?
2 guys walk into a gay bar... and the bartender asks one of them, "Why the long face?" The guy answers, "My eyes are up here."
There's a secret evolution of Eevee I found today. If you pay your Eevee every day for at least a month, it evolves into Patreon.
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it
I shot Quiet in the head on MGS5 She's really fucking Quiet now.
What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeno business
A friend bet me I couldn't piss in a Dyson Airblade Boy, did that blow up in my face.
I'm a Renaissance Man in the sense that I'm confused and frightened by everything in 2011.
its shanksgiving, be thankful i havent stabbed u yet.
This joke is brought to you by AdBlock Plus for Google Chrome. Blocking every ad on the internet, except this one.
How many sociologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
What do you name the male and female twin monkeys? Abe and Anna
Why didn't the black kid play Pokemon? He was afraid they were trying to catch Jamal.
How many ants can you fit inside an apartment ? Ten-ants !
What did the snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted snow flakes. My 4.5 y/o son came up with this joke, but his punch line was "snow flakes". I added the "frosted". Teamwork.
I'm going to write a book called "stop obligatory dual language" If no one buys it I'm going to study two languages.
It was hard work, but I finally fixed the laundry machine The wife beater is nice and clean again :)
Willpower? Sure. It's in the garage with my unicorn.
What do you call a Mexican without a car... carlos
It's not that he liked big butts; it's that he could not lie. THAT'S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a python  You can't get round me just like that you know!
What's the technical name for the mental disorder where someone habitually gropes others? Cop-a-Feelia
A guy calls 911 "Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!" "Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?" "No it's her husband you idiot!"
Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.
Only God can judge me. *gets hit by lightning*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Why was the Moon in a bad mood? It was just going through one of its phases.
There's a fine science to the number of texts you need to pretend to be friendly before asking someone for a favor.
Remember how they used to call Bill Cosby "America's Dad"? No fucking wonder most of the country has daddy issues.
I had really loud unprotected phone sex last week Now I have hearing AIDS.
I have a six figure salary.. $000,000 It's not much, but it's honest work
"You're going to poop me." --Lazy Fortune Cookie
Velcro What a rip-off!
Who is the original Kardashian? Saint Christopher
What did the feminist baker blame for all of her life's problems? The Pastryarchy.
"I hate you but I'm not in hate with you." - Murderer delicately explaining why he left a victim with only a light stabbing
Who delivers pizza in the hood? Popo John's
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year? Me: 6: I like it Me: It's mistletoe son
I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough... For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.
Dead babies What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bricks ? Only one can be emptied with a pitchfork.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem
What is the collective noun for children? A migraine.
Mathematical Humor It just doesn't add up.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." -Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Why do scientists call Helium , Barium and Curium the medical elements? Because if you can't Helium or Curium , You'd Barium!
Why is Diego's slogan "Go Diego Go" It was the last thing his mother said before she got shot by the border patrol
What are your favorite jokes for the Holidays? For those of us that struggle with our family perhaps this will help break the ice.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can't swim.
How do you pass the Isis entrance exam? I don't know about you, I bombed it.
Black Lumberjack What tool does a black lumberjack use? An ask. (Explanation: Because most black people say ax for ask, it is swapped around.) Came up with it by myself, how did I do?
What's the difference between necrophilia and a pizza? Even if it is cold it's still good.
What do you call the place where parrots make  films? Pollywood!
I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Ronda Rousey's boxing
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Using rulers for target practice has really set me back in life. I'm tired of shooting myself in the foot.
What's black and white and red all over (updated) Wall Street Journal Online.
Haha, You're Gay. Go get married.
Did they ever identify that unknown female deer crime victim? You mean Jane Doe?
Learning to write jokes is like when you first start having sex... You think it's easy and it's gonna make people happy but you end up just leaving people feeling confused and disappointed
I introduced my ex girlfriend to a buddy who has epilepsy She was always saying she loved vibrators.
Finish this sentence: I like my coffee like I like my _____. I like my coffee like I like my coffee: recursive.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don't answer that either.
God grant me the serenity to accept the fact that I cannot eat a meal without staining my shirt & the courage wear a bib in public.
What do you call a dwarf that was on fire? A lil smokey
I told the insect I knew he used to be part of an elite military unit he was exuberant
Shakespeare &amp; The Beatles walk into a pub... ...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".
I want to start an irritable bowel support group called fecal matters
Did you hear about the war between the blondes and the brunettes? The blondes were throwing hand grenades, and the brunettes were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
Q) What's the difference between love and hate? A) Usually about 6 months.
Went to McDonald's and ordered a Happy Meal .... didn't work ... still grumpy.
Got a cease and desist letter that says I can't wear my hard hat around town until I learn how to wolf whistle.
My friend David had his ID stolen the other day Now we just call him Dav
What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad? Clickbait
So, I was bragging about watermelons look like to my friends now she says we cantaloupe.
The perfect knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who?
Girl i heared you like bad boys I don't like bragging but i am so bad that when my mom tells me i can eat only one cookie i eat two!
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was  fun.
My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo I had to put my foot down
Why Can't Charlie Sheen Finish the Alphabet? Because when he gets to 'P' it burns.
which place has more smoke in the air Mordor or The Shire.
The table salt tore a ligament. It was an ACL.
Tony Romo was depressed after yesterday's loss. He was so upset he got his gun, pointed it at his throwing hand, and pulled the trigger. He's OK, The bullet was intercepted.
I'm on a cruise this week. My humor didn't go over very well on the observation deck, nor did what I left behind on the poop deck.
'I've been a very naughty girl!' she said, licking her lips, 'I need to be punished . . .' So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
The only reason I eat corn... Is so I can see it come out the next day
Who is the biggest gangster in the sea ? Al Caprawn !
As a grown woman with no children or morals to slow me down, I will have a definite advantage during tomorrow's family Easter egg hunts.
They used to be called Jumpolines until your mom bounced on one back in '72.
There are 10 kind of people in this world Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first
What do Harvard and a virgin have in common? You try so hard to get in but 9 months later you regret you ever came.
You know you live in a small town when.... ....the only hooker is still a virgin.
You know someone is hard core When they have strong and well-defined abdominal muscles
Who built the round table? Sir Cumference
Two Calamari Two calamari walk into a pub. Bartender asks, "What'll ya have?" "We'll have a Hurricane and a Sex On the Beach" says squid A. Bartender pauses and says, "That'll be three squid then."
Whoever first said "No news is good news" never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
We've updated Skype so you have the latest version... it includes performance improvements and general fixes.
The nice thing about being a girl is OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE'S A BAT IN THE HOUSE, HONEY, GET IT! GET IT!
Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a pinata full of cocaine.
What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation? Where my dogs at?
Is there a difference between our farts? Your gas is as good as mine :\
Doctor: How long have you been in pain? Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I am listening carefully, but let's be honest, your menu options haven't changed.
[1st date] Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders] Her: "Thank you but I'm not cold" Me: [covering her awful dress] "Yes you are"
1-buy waterbed 2-fill with wine 3-get Capri Sun straw 4-never leave your bed again
Teens don't know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
What do you call a drummer who has lost one of his drumsticks? A conductor.
What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married? His Feyonce.
Which type of comedy leaves a hamburger cold? BITING humour!
Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii? "Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport
What's the best nation in the world? Donation. What's the best city in the world? Generosity.
I hate people with artism
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there He said he couldn't complain.
I took a photo while my plane was landing and got arrested... Apparently, its in-descent exposure.
What do you call it when you have sex with a dwarf who has gender dysmorphia? micro trans action
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company...
What makes the ocean roar? You'd roar too if you had crabs on your bottom
Think Casey Anthony will go into porn now, . . . Since she gets off so easy?
BREAKING: wind. I have just farted terribly.
What's long, hard, and filled with semen? A submarine, what were you thinking of?
What do you call a roaming caveman? A meanderthal
That feeling when you think someone's smiling at you but it's actually directed at someone behind you is the way I feel all the time
The janitor at my gym sees me naked more often than my wife does. And he's a more attentive lover.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
Why was the criminal's argumentative essay so good? He had some outstanding warrants.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it'd be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Everyday life can be hectic and stressful, but never forget what it's all about: doing the hokey pokey and turning  yourself around.
If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln, America really would have gone South.
I genuinely want Trump to become the President. I've always wanted to see a president assassinated!
How did Kim Jong-Il begin his audio autobiography? "Dear Reader"
What shape gets rid of curses? A hexagon
I am fresh out of milkshakes, but I'm pretty sure that my willingness to put out on the first date will bring all the boys to the yard.
How many honest politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? All three of them.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
[CAVE] BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures! DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"
What's the difference between a man on a unicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a bicycle wearing a tank top? Attire.
Google Instant is like a 'funny' friend who ruins your anecdotes. "So I walked in and I saw..." "Geoff capes! An egg! Ghandi!"LET ME FINISH.
What do you call a pirate that pees on other people? Rrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly
How to tell if your cat is a dog: 1) it barks 2) it doesn't hate you 3) someone once said aw cute dog 4) it's like a horse but slower
Did you hear about the heroin addict who accidentally injected food coloring? They say he dyed in vein.
I heading to the beach and i'm going to sneak up from behind annoying couples who are watching the sunset, and pee all over them
Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.
I failed the drivers test even though I stopped for the sign I gave it plenty of time to cross, it's not my fault I hit it.
[break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation
What should you do when an elephant comes in your window? Swim.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather.
I will spend a minimum of three minutes looking for something resembling a spoon before breaking down and washing one.
Dude, she just liked my status, she totally wants me.
We're having a Jamaican hair day at work tomorrow I'm dreading it already.
What is a SJW's least favorite element on the periodic table? Helium.
What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Waattaaah!
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
So a duck walks into a pharmacy... and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any chapstick?" When the pharmacist hands it to him, the duck replies "Thanks, just put it on my bill!"
Why is Oedipus against swearing? He kisses his mother with that mouth!
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together Riveting
How do you make a snooker table laugh? Tickle its balls.
If I had a dollar for every gender... I'd have $1.79
My wife said to me that she wished I wouldn't drop the F-bomb in front of the kids. What the fuck is the F-bomb?
Entered a competition with 10 of my best puns thinking at least one would win.... No pun in ten did. Sorry if thats been said. It's just my favorite pun and I thought I'd share it.
Why are men like blenders? You need one but you're not quite sure why.
There's no "I" in "Illiteracy."
Had a fight with the wifey last night. She exclaimed "Shut up, women are always right and men are always wrong." to which I replied "Yes, you are right".
Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What's worse than a Jimmy John's full of dead babies? A Subway full of live ones.
I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me... He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"
What's a nymphomaniac's favorite candy bar? Almond joy.
I hadn't heard any news about George Michael for nearly a year... And then Wham! Last Christmas.
I don't know how guys can send dick pics to women I just can't get the camera high enough to fit it all in the picture.
What does a chauvinistic doctor use as a general term for women with high cholesterol? A Broad Stroke...
From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks? You. Why I oughta...! Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
Santa has blue balls 364 days out of the year.. He only comes once a year
I've been informed that "Ped Xing" means "Pedestrian Crossing." So what? Child molesters on horseback should get out of my way, too.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person "Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
What kind of jeans does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
he literally just said, "everyone's saying i won the debate." is it possible...hear me out...trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Why parents don't allow their children to listen to M. Jackson songs? because they are very touching
Fun facts about Germany No fun in Germany, go back to work!
I can't diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don't think I could live with that kind of guilt.
Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.
I do my best when my manager puts a gun to my head.
What sex act did the mobster offer his boss? A goodfellatio
Tossed and turned all night. I gotta stop moisturizing with salad dressing.
bill nye is short for william new years eve
Oh, I see. "Adam and Steve" is gay, but "Adam dates his own rib" is perfectly acceptable.
May 4th is Star Wars day May the 4th be with you!
WARNING! Sickest joke ever. How do you know if your sister is on the rag? Dad's dick tastes like blood.
"ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER" [spider removes earbuds] "yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever"
I went to a seafood disco last night... ... I pulled a muscle.
The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is "Salary is Credited" 
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
how do you know if an asian man robbed your house your homeworks done, your computers upgraded, and 3 hours later hes still trying to back out the driveway.
What's the difference between a feminist and a chicken? The chicken likes the cock.
What did the old man get for his birthday? Cancer.
How many 'sah dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit.
If I had a dollar for every dollar I had... I would be a counterfeiter.
want to hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in the mud. Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door,
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary. Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary's case goes to trial...
Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a  confused child?  Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
What do Ryan Giggs and Imogen Thomas have in common? I'm not allowed to tell you
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa Maria only to find Dora had already explored America.
fireworks underwater detonation petarda dum bum pod woda dum bum unter wasser
What do you call a Pakistani with a vest on? Going to the gym, You. Racist.
So a blind man walked into a bar.. It really hurt
Monica Lewinsky is voting for Donald Trump in the 2016 Presidential Election, because the last time a Clinton was in office, it left a bad taste in her mouth.
Donald Duck has been hanged... ...And is now in a state of suspended animation.
People ask me why I don't have any tattoos. I tell em " would you put a bumper sticker on your ferrari?
What does the First Lady say to the President during sex? "Oh yeah! Yeah! Do me in my Oval Orifice~!"
Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911
What do you call a Jew with the pH level of 1? Hacidic!
What mistake have you made when your wife comes in from the kitchen to yell at you? Made her chain too long.
My boss told me to have a good day So i went home...
The homework is due on Monday. "Can I get an extension?" The homework is due on Monday.png
Is the officer from the McKinney police video... Applying for the role of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3? That recovery off the tuck and roll was impeccable.
Where did the engine go after he retired? To live in a motor home
I don't want to be Oprah rich.I want to be "never drink off brand soda" or "my car stops because I hit the pedal,not because I prayed" rich.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? (dirty) The Rooster. (   )
After a night out with friends a man comes stumbling home late He's greeted by his wife looking stern with her arms crossed. She exclaims "Drunk again!" He replies "Me too!"
Why did the bear dissolve in water? It was a polar bear
If H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, what is H2O4? Drinking, bathing, watering etc etc.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make your little girl cry! But if she's gonna have those ears, she's gonna need a sense of humor.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who cannot count.. I'm the 1st kind of person, I can count.
Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.
Ray Charles has said he doesn't mind being blind.. Because at least he isn't black!
Why was Farmer Bob so good at his job? Because he was outstanding in his field
I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said "Hi Jack." He shot me.
Which weather features do druggies like most?  Highs
Did you know you can't watch porn on the IPhone 7? Yea they took the jack off
What's the object of a Jewish football game? To get the quarter back!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
There are 10 different kinds of people... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
What dictator had the best bureaucracy? Idi Admin.
What has 3 balls and flies through space E.T the Extra Testicle I know this was awful I'm sorry
If you are hotter than me, wouldn't that make me cooler than you.
Did you hear the one about the feminist stand-up? It's not funny.
Why should you never wear Ukrainian underwear? Because Chernobyl fall off.
What did the libertarian shirt say when it was thrown into the washing machine? AM I BEING DE-STAINED?!
My deodorant is called "state's evidence"... Part of the Wetness Protection program.
They organized a lookalike competition in China. Everybody won!
Why is it so expensive to divorce a woman here in California? Because it's worth it.
The difference between an epileptic oyster sucker and a hooker with diarrhea? one shucks between fits.
What's large, black and steals your credit cards? Sony Playstation
My wife lost 200 lbs! I divorced her.
A peddler at the mall tried to sell me some velcro.. what a ripoff
Whats better? Virtual porn or 4K porn? Neither you pervert...
Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked? There was no bikini atoll
What's the only difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball? I can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball
Women 15 to 65 At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE. At 25, she is the RIGHT PRIZE. At 35,she is a GRAND PRIZE. At 45,she is a CONSOLATION PRIZE. At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and at 65,she is a GIVEAWAY PRIZE
Where is the best place to vacation for Halloween? Galapaghost Islands.
What do you call a chocolate cake?? A dindonuffin muffin
How many pandas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Technically, just two, but it is really hard to get them to breed in captivity.
Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, "Honey, I can't afford to hear about your day."
I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.
I was going to copy and paste a joke but then I cut it
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that's a cat
Why don't rabbits make any noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls
Thanks to the 96 years of sun bathing grandma doesn't need a leather jacket to ride on the motorcycle with me.
What is dead on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
A sign language interpreter said to his customer... My apologies, my finger got stuck between the door so I may have a bit of a lisp.
I lost my mood ring this morning... I don't even know how i feel about this.
My next door neighbour is really loud and obnoxious. So now I know how Canada feels. Well, it's what he would have wanted more.
How do scientists celebrate Pirate Day? They get their Aaargh-On!
What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding? Cantelope
This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas? It's a cover version.
If I bought a balloon for $0.99 ... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street? One was a salted.
What do you call an Ent prince who betrays his dad? Treason
What is a computer programmers favorite brand of ice cream. Haagen DOS
It was so cold this morning... I actually saw a solicitor with hands in his own pockets!!
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Knock Knock Who's there Daisy Daisy who Daisy me rollin', they hatin'
It's that time of year when it gets *just* cold enough to draw dicks on people's car windows.
Why are beans named after Jews in Spanish. Because they are healthy and good for you.
What did the Bra say to the Hat? You go on ahead while i give these two a lift.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because it was out standing in its field.
Time = Money because you SPEND it!
I tried to eat a clock once... But it was very time consuming
I have nothing in common with people who eat 1 Pringle at a time instead of frantically shoving 20 in their mouth like it's a wood chipper .
What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black person? Neighbor
What do you call a prostitute that is bad at their job? Whorrible.
The strongest person in a prison should be called mitochondria Because they are the powerhouse of the cell.
Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I'm gonna take a pass
(Art Museum) Me:*sees nature painting* *pulls out sharpie* *draws sun in the top left corner* My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
One day I'm going to cure blindness. You'll see! You'll all see!
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Hi, I'm going to tell a dad joke! Hi "Im going to tell a dad joke," I'm dad!
So, I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend recently. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
What do we want? An Iphone for fat fingers! When do we want it? BOW!
Is your dad's name Craftsman? Because you're a ratchet that's very easy to replace
The iPhone 7 ad has a catchy song... Hit the road Jack
A man turns to another and says: "sitting here is almost as bad as being drunk" the second man, confused, asks "How bad can being drunk be?" the first responds, "Try asking a glass of water"
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway. -lies parents tell themselves
Me: Mom, am I ugly? Mom: Why don't you ask your girlfriend? Me: But I don't have a girlfriend! Mom: Still looking for the answer?
There's a joke in this thread. It's you.
A man walks into a bar He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
UFC president Dana White called Conor McGregor this morning... He greeted him with "Buenos Diaz"
Ever look in the fridge and be disappointed that all there is for supper is leftover pizza and beer? Yeah, me neither...
"If anyone has any objections, speak now or- SHES LITERALLY A BANANA Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA? Best man: I f'kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Where do onions fight? In the onion ring!
My mate went to a fancy dress party as a silent bee. "Very subtle," I thought.
Yo momma's so fat, when she butt dials, she makes a conference call
I'm so proud of my African pen pal friend. He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. I'm so glad, he's staying sober.
Two atoms walk into a bar... One says, "Oh no, I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering... Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.
When are the hiest's coming out? THEY ARE NOT!
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today... Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything...*
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I want to China town today I saw a lot of wangs.
women's Rights
I set my Tinder to Flint, Michigan. Its been fun! The chicks are so thirsty.
I am a single male and I folded a fitted sheet at the laundromat today AMA!
*cop pulls me over* Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight? Me:What makes you think I've been drinking? *cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I feel sorry for all of the atheists named Christian.
"Your password must contain at least 6 letters" Hmm ok *starts writing* Dearest Catherine, it has been nearly a fortnight since I last wrote
How do men and women fill the fuel tank differently? Men jiggle the nozzle afterwards.
I'm against picketing.... But I don't know how to show it. - Mitch Hedberg
Now that I'm almost 30, there is nothing more sexy to me, than a girl who is fully covered... ...By her health insurance provider.
HI I'M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
What newspaper do cows read? The Daily Moos.
What did one Redditor say to another? [removed]
I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it's 7:30 already. You're gonna be late for work.
What did the New Zealand naval officer say to his crew? All hands on dick....
What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
On the list of things I fear the most, "death" comes in as a close second to "audience participation"
Two men walk into a bar... the third one ducks.
What do you call gummy semites? Chews!
What is Hillary Clinton's favorite sport? NASCAR, because it's always heading to the left.
Q: How do Chinese people name their babies? A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.
I met a girl with 12 nipples today... ..sounds fun, dozen tit!
Why did Mubarak and Gaddafi get dehydrated? They didn't want water from the Arab Spring.
What is the difference between a rectal thermometer and a regular thermometer? The taste.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, But I soon realized that toucan play that game.
With great power comes a great electric bill.
I wanna live to be so old that my first thought every day when I wake up is "shit, still here".
spot whats sandpaper like? dog: ruff whats the long grass on a golf course called? d: ruff whats the job market like? d: steadily improving
I dressed up as a coprophiliac Taurus to the Halloween party, but got kicked out because apparently it was "indecent." Bull-fucking-shit.
Knock-knock Who's there? Howdjalikeablowjob Howdjalikeablowjob who? No, no...the proper answer is "Why, yes! Thank you."
What did Bob Ross do after eating a fair of fickled feffers? He fainted.
Hipsters don't sleep with pillows because neither side is cool enough.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.
Women.... Women are like condoms, they spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.
So there are some salads in jail... So one of them says, "Lettuce go!"
How many months have 28 days? All of them
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don't have any friends.
What do you call a crossdressing nanny in Martha's Vineyard? A Nantucket.
Bacon eggs and toast walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "sorry we don't serve breakfast here"
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I've been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
What is the Highest Proof of Tequila? Juan Fifty Juan
Eating at a T.G.I. Fridays on a Monday tastes like lies.
maybe if we told raccoons that the black around their eyes meant they were superheroes instead of burglars theyd stop stealing our trash
A woman walks into a bar... And the bartender says, "What'll it be, love?" The woman replies, "I'll take a double entendre." So he gave it to her.
What do you call the director of Kill Bill out in the sun? Squintin' Tarantino
Q: What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say? A: His and Hearse.
A midget dressed up as a circuit board on Halloween night died you could say he short-circuited
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he's driving them crazy? Me as a principal: Maybe
You'd think nursing a child would go by quickly... ...but it feels like a maternity.
What does a 75 year old pussy taste like? Depends.
BAE: come over BATMAN: i'm fighting crime BAE: my parents aren't home BATMAN: *tears up* same
How did Godzilla get the job opportunity? Some say he had a foot in the door... and the window... and the wall.
I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my grandad in that concentration camp during the war... Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...
Man, I really messed up making this award for best feline anus... It's a cat ass trophy.
How does Anthony Weiner like his meat? Pulled
Son : "Dad, who did I get my intelligence from ?" Dad : "It must be from your mother. I still have mine"
When does a bed grow longer? At night because two feet are added to it.
A guy walks into a bar and says 'ouch' Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks
I think walking in on my parents having sex would be less awkward than standing over your shoulder while you show me a YouTube video.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn't do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok! You're welcome!
A slutty egg walks into a bar. Everyone starts laughing at her. "I don't get it. What's so funny?" she demands. The bartender says, "Well, the yoke's on you."
What's the difference between jokes and dicks? Your mom hates jokes.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* "Tell them I died in the moon wars"
I really wanted to watch Jurassic World this weekend but... Life...uh...got in the way.
I'm thin, I'm just not "black dudes on the street will ignore me" thin.
What do you call a friendly helicopter? A hello-copter
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she. Do you know what her dogs name was? (insert Wookie noise) Do you know why her dog ran away? You would to if your name was (insert Wookie noise).
My friend kees saying ' cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole of water' I know he means well.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Why are pirates so bad at telling jokes? Instead of 'knock knock', they say, 'Arrr you there?!'
I'm going our shopping for Black Friday Er...sorry. African American Friday.
How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!
What did the nun wear to the casino? Her gambling habit.
What's the different between E.T. and a refugee? E.T. learned English and wanted to go home
Guys with huge dongs are just compensating for their tiny cars.
What goes into something hot hard and covered in plastic and comes out soft and wet A frozen pizza with its wrapper left on
I'm dating a feminist historian Not to brag, but I am -*really*- good in bed. She thinks I've been fucking her for thousands of years.
Today i learned that dolphins are the only animals other than humans that enjoy sex! I'm not sure if it was worth getting banned from all those zoo's to find out though
A man dressed as a harry potter character came up to me and told me he was a zombie. I thought he was kidding, but he was Dead Sirius.
Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary? It was a dead end job.
"What? Huh? Talk louder. Nope, still nothing." -5 minutes after receiving the deaf penalty
Gavin died today of heartburn. I am so sad gaviscon.
Snapchat is going public in March with a $30 billion IPO. Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Q: What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?" A: Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube
Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my Facebook status...
Damn girl you must be the American spelling of 'favourite' because I don't need u
If I cut a coupon out of the paper, get a code word from the radio, then watch a morning show & answer 3 questions, I get 10% off a coffee.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I can't believe the pharmacy hasn't called! "Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What's it's for anyway?" Anxiety.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? A: You're too young to smoke.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher? Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can't, there's been an accident.
I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap He was high on my list of priorities
What does the "L" stand for in Samuel L. Jackson? Motherfucking It stands for motherfucking
A man has a steering wheel coming out of his fly First man, why is that steering whell coming out of your fly? Second man, It's driving me nuts.
My Grandpa said to me the other day, "Your generation relies too much on technology" I replied, " no your generation relies too much on technology" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole
What did the fish say when it hit a wall? DAM.
What's the worst part about running a gay pirate ship? There's always seamen on your poopdeck!
I'm about as sociable as mushrooms... I'd like to think I'm a pretty fungi.
Today I extended an olive branch to my enemy. As hard as I could and right in the eye.
I haven't always believed in climate change But I'm warming up to the theory.
Study shows 1 out of 3 people are unfaithful to their partner. I wonder if it's my girlfriend or my wife...
What do you call it when...? What do you call it when you photograph childbirth? Child bornography.
What did the painting on the wall say to the cop? I've been framed!
Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn't a single werewolf left in the world. Werewolf: there isn't. I'm married.
Refugees do the jobs no one wants to do. Like being a suicide bomber.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery... I've had it up to here with them.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate... They'll kill your dog.
What's a zombie's morning routine? Shit, shower, grave.
What do you call an illegal wristwatch trade? A wrist-ky buisness.
An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly nsfw) His boss answers "I don't know." The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"
I like my coffee like I like my "I like my coffee" jokes Not made by me.
Think you can save humanity? Well, Jesus nailed it.
Did y'all know witches make only 70% of the salary warlocks make despite doing the same evil-ass magic? That's some bullshit right there!
A Jewish Redditor made a foreskin joke. [removed]
There are two kinds of people: Those who know how to do math in binary, and those who don't!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have a sweater cleaned. Attendant : "Come again ?" ( not hearing ) Blonde: "Nope, Just mustard this time"
As I was paying for a 15 year old escort I thought... ...I'm getting a really good deal on this car.
What do reddit fans and Apple fans have in common? They both like seeing the same thing a year later.
What's your best elephant joke sequence?
What's the difference between a dead hooker and a Ferrari? I didn't lose my virginity to a Ferrari.
If Mr. Bigger has a baby, which one is bigger? The baby is, he's just a little Bigger.
Asked my dad to explain how big a thousandth of an inch is. "when you go for a deep ass scratch and you look at your finger and sure it may look clean, but then you smell it."
Who did the philosophy major ask out for the Halloween dance? Nobody. He was too 'Freud.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She can fit into your wife's clothes
My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said "maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes" 
#VALUE!
Just met a girl with 12 boobs Sounds funny Dozen tit
What do a Tupperware designer and a horny walrus have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal.
There are two rules for success... 1) Don't tell all you know
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action... And opened another register
What does a Drake fan with AIDS get tattooed on his back? If you're reading this it's too late.
A new joke about Kim Jong Un (removed)
"I'm thinking of running a marathon again." I told my friend. "You've run a marathon before?" she asked, with an air of admiration. I said, "No, but I've thought about it."
How is the porn industry different from every other career? It's the only job where you have to stay late if you come early.
How does a musician make a million dollars? They start with 2 million.
What does a blueberry do at a party? The Anti-oxy-dance
What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again.... without looking weird.
I just got home and found someone had stolen my bed! I walked in and it was gone. Honestly, i'm not lying
how many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem!
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse *but I beat her to it*
What does a constipated virgin think about this punchline? He doesn't give a fuck or a shit.
Just learned that if lightning strikes within 50 feet of you, you can speak every language simultaneously and pee out of your eyes.
Did you hear the latest about Donald Sterling? He wouldn't get in his limo. He said that it was "too black."
How does Han Solo like to get around Endor? Ewoks
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"
Man is incomplete until he's married....... Man is incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.
Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of its bark.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.
I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 online and I still feel like I got ripped off.
Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first did it before it was cool. The second did it ironically.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet  soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive.
What did the left ass cheek say to the right ass cheek? Whose the asshole in the middle.
My Indian friend is thinking of changing his name to Rim Shot. Every time someone tells a good joke, they call his name - Param Singh!
How did the unqualified harp player get into the orchestra? She pulled some strings.
I want you more then a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day.
Here's how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Why didn't Mark Hamill go crazy while voice acting as the Joker? Because he overcame the dark side
Don't let Trump find out about Motes. "Sea-walls?!"
"Shit, I have to go." - Yoda, Jedi Master Humorist, iChat
What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code
I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean. Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.
Why are birthday's good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
You know that woman in the infomercial that didn't know how to use a regular blanket cuz it wasn't a Snuggie? No way she's still alive.
What do you call a drunk Muslim? Hammad. What do you call a really drunk Muslim? Mohammad
Jesus: One among you will betray me. John: No way dude. Matthew: No way dude. Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I'm ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.
Floody hell! If this continues they'll have to rename it the Eiffel beacon.
What's the worst part about being a pedophile? Getting the blood out of your clown suit.
A Jewish redditor decides to post a foreskin joke. [removed]
When I die I want my body to be donated to science ...but more specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.
"Don't stop bereaving."..............Karaoke singer at a Philipino funeral..
Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well.
I saw the middle eastern version of "Horton Hears a Who" the other day It was called "Achmed Hears a Boom"
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
when ur watchig netflix alone in bed and the scene blacks out so u see ur own reflection r u suposed to smile at urself? help i feel awkward
What reddit page has that link/picture you're looking for? The next page.
What is the difference between Reddit and children's television? Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.
Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Pete and Repete are in a boat together. Pete jumps out of the boat. Who is left in the boat?
I heard the Sandy Hook kids wanted books But instead they got magazines.
elmo jokw What does every Elmo receive before they leave the factory? Two test tickles!
My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there.
Father names his son Bentley. His friend asks - are you stupid? Why would you name your son Bentley?! Father - i don't care. At least i have Bentley now.
Half of reddit is shut down. In unrelated news, productivity rises nation-wide
You know they've had sex change operations for men for a while now, right? Well they just recently started offering sex change operations for women, too. It's called the "addadictomy".
We should start calling policemen Diamonds. [x-post /r/Showerthoughts] Diamonds  Clubbing Spades.
Communist lesbians are the strongest kind They use fists of steel
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright.
What did the Eskimo children sing when their principal was leaving? Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
When I die I want my body to be donated to science Specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.
Figure skating is so gay. That's it, Olympics, I'm switching over to Project Runway.
I the shell off a snail yesterday... you'd think it would move faster, but it was really kinda sluggish.
Why did the brothel only employ ugly prostitutes? To increase *gross interest*!
If I was rich I'd hire a guy named Matt to stand in the tub and I'd call him my "bath Matt." And I'd also do stuff for malaria and stuff.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Adore ! Adore who ? Adore stands between us open up !
Which year is the most popular? 1969
What do you call someone on the borderline of being diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder? An asylum seeker.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
What's the difference between snowmen and snowomen Snowballs
Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon? He wanted to see stars during the day.
The Royal baby weighed in at almost 9 pounds Which is just under $15 US
Most of my time is spent trying to work "That's So Raven" into everyday conversation.
I once met an ape who could use both hands... He was Harambedextrous.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
A Frenchman is buying a bread stick and the cashier asks.. "are you okay carrying this loaf?" to which he replies "baguette".
I almost forgot. Happy 4/20. Lets not waste time, lets smoke weed.
I'm a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.
What do you call an actor from Alabama that is forced by contract to play a certain character in a production? Role tied.
What are the first 3 words in every authentic Mexican recipe? Steal a chicken
Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"
Halitosis... is better than no breath.
Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to tell me. I guess that's why he lost his job in disaster relief.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? I would too if my name was NUYHAIMONBARG
What do you call a Belgian with a cold? Phlegmish
What did the Romans say to each other after crucifying Jesus? "Nailed it!"
What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :(
Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world... ... and then I remember there are people who work in PR for Comcast.
What`s the definition of a misogynist? A man who hates every bone in the female body... except his own.
Can't decide whether to go to bed or to finish this Rubik's cube I started in 1988.
Fool me once... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thirty five thousand six hundred times, shame on the weatherman.
What's the difference between a Stormtrooper and a Zoo Keeper? The Storm Trooper would have missed harambe
So I heard most people who use tinder don't have much furniture in their bedrooms... ...most have one night stand
How are bears related to cooking? The pan... duh
Boss: Where'd you go?? Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen. Boss: Okay? Me: So I went to lunch.
What did the blind guy say when he walked past Red Lobster? Hi, Ladies!
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Ruberto.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Why does a cucumber has a lot of seed? He has no hands.
My dog loves chasing cars He was ecstatic when I told him I was taking him to see Snow Patrol in concert
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
How do you agitate an achy feminist runner? massage a knee
What do you call a gay geologist? Substrate.
[interview at the Pringles factory] BOSS: why do you wanna work here? TENNIS BALL: {don't say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be reincarnated as a stud? He woke up on a snow tire in Michigan.
Woman's rights Not an april fools joke.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat!
Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste? The last dentist is busy killing a lion
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors? Ereptile dysfunction
Paul Walker proves god is real ! Paul Walker was meant to walk, but he took a car and god punished him for not walking. This proves that - Atheist: 0 Theist: 1
Just yelled "out of my way monsters!" at a flock of seagulls, so I'm done interacting socially for the day
I used to think air was free.. Until I bought a bag of chips.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. The cock came first.
Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.
Spanish class joke: What did the Spanish cannibals have for dinner? JOHN CENA!! I'm sorry.
Plastic surgeons don't get along with me. But they bring out the breast in my wife.
The Job Interview: HR: So you are bilingual? Me: Si HR: In your native tongue please. Me: Ooga Booga
What's the best thing to come out of Oklahoma? Southbound 35.
What the difference between... a dead dog in the road and a dead Frenchman in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
My balls are so big that my sac only holds one. The second one? You're standing on it.
Why is a toothbrush a "tooth" brush? Cause it was invented in Alabama! [Inspiration came from the comments](http://mobile.reuters.com/article/idUSKBN0GP1NS20140825?irpc=932)
I was in the park wondering why a frisby looks bigger the closer it gets And then it hit me.
old chinese proverb Man who fart in church, must sit in his on pew.
I arranged a Reddit meet up for /r/sexaddicts... ...and everyone came!
Just smiled back at a Toyota commercial.
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
Why did the feminist get raped? Cuz she 'asked' for it!
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
Did you hear about the girl who was dating the Berlin Wall? Things were going well, but it broke up.
I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said "It's a bit late for you Kathy, isn't it ?". She said "I couldn't sleep". I said "That's not what I meant, you fat b*tch"....
Why wouldn't the Kabuto share his Potion? He was a little shellfish.
My favorite mixed drink is the M. Night Shyamalan. It's nothing with a twist.
Frog COD What happens when Frogs die playing Call of Duty? They respawn.
Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid. *Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger* Get off my lawn before I call the cops
Why did all the potato chips but one jump off the cliff? He was a Wise Potato Chip.
So I Live In Florida And Wanna Be A Male Stripper... I heard Orlando's nightclub loves people that aim to make their audience drop dead
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? You suck his dick.
My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.
I was trying to teach my dog to dance. But he has two left feet.
The most embarrassing thing for a kangaroo is accidently hopping into another kangaroo's pouch who then hops into a 3rd kangaroo's pouch
What's the worst kind of incompetent? Leader.
how are women like a quantum computer? they are both turned on and off by you at the same time.
I'm in the middle of inventing emo playing cards. You have to shuffle them, but afterwards the deck cuts itself.
How many cans of soda can a soda can can if a soda can can can cans? No one can ever know P.S. are these type of tongue twister jokes allowed here? If not i will happily remove it.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
At the #Adele concert, saw a girl on the corner of the stage repeatedly punching herself in the face. Realized she was the deaf interpreter.
Masturbation is like procrastination It feels good when you're doing it, but afterwards, you realized you fucked yourself
What the diffrence between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout comes home from camp
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Did you hear the one about a pony with a cough? It was a little horse.
*walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!
Mozart is rolling in his grave. In 50 years people will be saying "Adele is rolling in the deep."
Melanoma victims hate it at first... ...but it grows on them.^I'm^sorry^...
What's the penis from Bill Gates like? Micro and soft.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting
Jokes about nazi concentration camps really offend me My great grandfather died in a holocaust camp. He got really drunk and fell out of a guard tower
Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don't text you back within 30 minutes, she ain't feeling you bro.
Obama's gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If you crossed a cow with a goat what would you get? Half and half!
Teen girl in mirror "I look like death!" [Meanwhile in Hell] Death scoffs & flips his hair "Yeah, as if"
The weather and a pussy are similar in one regards When it starts to get wet, it is time get inside.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted "you go girl!" from across the street.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it's just awkward
my dishwasher stopped working.. i heard sometimes you just have to give em a good kick, and they'll start right up again so i tried that, then she dumped me
What do you call a colorful nipple? Areola Borealis.
Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.
"Did you know it's impossible to lick your elbow?" "No it's not. Here, try!"
What do you call it when you said a redneck on fire? A firecracker
Hey guys just wanted to let you guys know that I'm vegan
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears* I wish for World peace. Genie: Can't do it. Million dollars? Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
"Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Mayweather still has a perfect record At least until he's convicted
Where was the declaration of independence signed? At the bottom.
Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King didn't cover his whopper.
What's the difference between a high-wire circus trapeze act and the Rockettes? One is a fantastic display of cunning stunts while the other is a fantastic display of stunning cunts
Santa: What do you want for Christmas? Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend?
What did Obama say to Congress when they vetoed Obama Care? My god, you're all insane. Am I the only one Hussein?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day Teach a man to fish and he'll flop around on the ground unable to breath
There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.
What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Hypothermia
Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.
3 men in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do? Throw one cigarette away and the boat becomes one cigarette lighter.
Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed." Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time." Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."
What's long and black? The unemployment line.
Why'd the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field.
Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes.
The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.
If April showers bring May flowers... then May flowers bring Pilgrims.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the television.
Who makes the best milkshakes ever? Michael J. Fox.
What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea? He died in his teepee
What belongs to me but is used the most by others? My ex-wife
HR: Do you know why I called you in here today? Me: I have a boyfriend HR: Ok, sorry to bother you
What kind of coat does a vampire wear in the rain? A wet one.
My dad asked what I want for my birthday, I said 'I wanna watch'... so he let me! Let's hear YOUR favorite one liners! Cred to Rodney Dangerfield for that one.
People who replace "Christ" with "X" are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
This could just be the coffee talking but AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *lights car on fire*
My Uncle saved a Crumbling Cartography business Needless to say he put them on the map.
What's the difference between a  schoolteacher and a train driver? A schoolteacher says "Spit out that toffee" and a train says "Choo choo."
This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokemon trainer? Ash.
Yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?
Can "agroaner" or "groaners" please be a jokes subsubreddit. http://i.imgur.com/q334iSV.jpg from WTF
i would lose weight but i hate losing
If girls is boys If girls were boys for a day,The first thing he did was supposed to be:Pee on a tree
Relationships are a lot like algebra Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Tried to catch fog the other day... Mist
I walked into a gas station and asked, "Can I have a Kit-Kat chunky?" The lady behind the counter came back with a Kit-Kat Chunky. I said, "No, I wanted a normal Kit-Kat you fat bitch."
My Uncle When I was a young boy, my Uncle would always tell me "Always leave them wanting more" Which is probably why he lost his job in famine relief.
My corner store failed because most people want more than just the corners of stuff.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad's side of the bed and wake him up.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend? "What? Why?" It sounds boring and there's no way that couple makes it.. "It's OUR wedding!"
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party? I told her that drinks were on the house
I've been thinking about the Reddit rules and I thought of a major flaw [deleted]
*dad walks in on me doing homework* "HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK" Dad you're still in third grade "Probably because I'm not a nerd like you"
What do a tornado and a black man have in common? They both can ruin a neighborhood.
knock knock.
I think it's disgusting that women only make 70 cents to every dollar a man makes It should be at least 80
What is it? It has wings, but it doesn't fly, it has a beak, but it doesn't peck, it has legs, but it doesn't walk. What is it? A dead crow
3 things happened to me today 1. I woke up 2. I met a hot girl 3. I kissed a hot girl But it happened in this order, 1. I met a hot girl 2. I kissed a hot girl 3. I woke up
Did you hear the one about the girl that went deep sea fishing with four guys? She came back with a red snapper.
If PETA is upset about Lady Gaga's meat dress, wait until they hear about what people do to that stuff in restaurant kitchens.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
What do you call a Scottsman with a sniper rifle? Fiction.
What's a orphans favorite ice cream flavor? Banana Foster
What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real thing ? The picture of Jesus only takes one nail to hang up .
What is Jesus' favorite workout? Crossfitting
What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio
What do witches eat at Halloween?  Spook-etti Halloweenies Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.
So a man goes and tells his wife he's going to take the day off...
I hate when women try to talk about sports... You don't see me in the kitchen telling them how to make a sandwich.
What's worse than a worm in your apple? The holocaust. What's worse than that? TWO worms in your apple!
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night: Sup, girl?
Do you know why android fanboys don't like apple products?
What's Ned Stark's favorite cereal? Raisin Bran
Why did the molecular biologist want to make a porno film of gametes? Because sex cells.
What will they now call hormonally-induced knockers on men? broosts
I took someone else's coffee at Starbucks because I liked her name better.
A rule for myself that's worked my entire life: when you hear the garage door open, put your penis away.
I heard that they're coming up with a new Tron movie which deals with particle physics... Its called new-Tron.
Did you hear about the man who had purple paint thrown all over him? He was violeted
That would be weird if a pirate got a mastectomy... wooden tit.
What song does a car radio play? A cartoon (car tune).
Why did Jack get a restraining order? Beanstalking.
Q: When do ghosts have to stop scaring people? A: When they lose their haunting licenses.
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other... "how do you drive this thing?"
Jeb Bush told a joke. Please laugh.
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer? Wine
Behemoth? No. Hebebutterfly.
The best part about being a comma is that you're usually followed by a nice big BUT.
What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice cream? Sure, Bert!
I asked my North Korean friend what life was like there... He did reply but I don't speak Korean so I don't know what he said.
Someone told me my clothes were gay. I said, "Yeah, they've just come out of the closet."
this joke off right. Oh! I wish I could go back in time and start
Why didn't the car have a tire? Because cars don't wear clothes.
Are you Russian? Cause I'll be Putin my dick in your mouth tonight. (Don't use as a pick up line doesn't work)
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench? ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma'am... That's on you.
What is the healthiest college? Rice
Why did Hitler kill himself? The Jews gave him the gas bill.
Quit smoking is so easy I quit at least a thousand times already Edited :D
Omg like wtf -me, praying
An Iraqi official calls all of his 8 Saddam's doubles... He says, i have good news, and bad news. The good is that Saddam is alive, the bad is that he lost an arm.
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See ya next month.
Society is so PC nowadays, you can't even say "Ho ho ho" You have to say "Jessica, Patricia, and Michaela"
I see your choices and raise you one eyebrow.
What do you call a pair of sadomasochists who break up as soon as the going gets tough? Fair leather friends
How do you confuse a blonde? You paint yourself green, and throw forks at her
My girlfriend is a special snowflake She's cold and flaky.
"It's all about being confident in the way your butthole looks." - cats.
Why did the owl 'owl? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er.
What did the farmer say after he fed his cows pot? "the Steaks are high."
[inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: cats climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only saran warp... The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts!"
Interviewer: Are you good at programming? Me: Yes, I'm very good at writing nondeterministic C++ programs. Interviewer gives me the job. #nerdjokes
My boys and I plan to rob the super glue factory.. By the way the plan looks, things will be hard to pull off.
Why couldn't the two melons get married? They can't elope.
I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together... Yep...I shit you knot!
[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Did you hear? Broadway is making a theatrical production on puns! It's going to be a *huge* play on words!
The only time I want the carpet to match the drapes is when I'm dating a bald headed girl.
Why does everyone hate their elder brother?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Does a roller coaster like its work? It has its ups and downs.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once... I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
FUN BIT OF TRIVIA...The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.
Ukrainian underpants Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants? Because Chernobyl fall out
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald's Playland ball pit
Yo momma is like a brick! She's flat, heavy, and gets laid by Mexicans all day!
Wanted to get a Ham sandwich, but ended up with a Cheese one by mistake. oops, wrong sub.
I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer... ...but no one will do it.
One Man's trash is other man's treasure Said Jereme. But it certainly wasn't the best he could say to his child just after he learnt that he was adopted.
Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife's car.
Why do all kids with down syndrome look like they came from the same father? And the shuttle to hell is boarding if anyone cares to join me....
What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay.
I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could've napped and didn't.
Got a handjob from a blind girl last night. She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on." I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."
Why do you keep saying flail? Because Fail isn't in my vocabulary. ------- Overheard on the train.
What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? A crime fighter
Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife? Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her
Fecophilia Man, fuck that shit.
Why is my ass good. Because I poop out of it and pick up average household items with it
The inauguration ceremony should be like the olympics. They can play the US national anthem, then the Russian one.
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed The egg is smoking a cigarette. The chicken turns to the egg and says, well I guess that answers that question.
How can you tell if a girl is ticklish? Give her a couple of test tickles...
Why did Trump run in Us instead of Canada? Because He's worried that he would win with a minority government.
What's the difference between a pizza and a woman The crust on the pizza tastes good.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"
My dog's frightened to walk across shiny floors and won't eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he'd be a flop out in nature.
What is a frog's favourite website? REDDIT
this is ur daily reminder that u are free to do anythimg u want & u hav chosen to be trapped
Only people who've walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.
3 Statisticians Go Hunting They eventually spot a deer. The first shoots 5 meters above his head. The second shoots 5 meters below his head. Then the third yells out "We Got Him!"
I love a woman that can shoot a gun, but I fear a woman with good aim.
What's the most sensitive part of a man's body when masturbating? His ears.
The British are making a monument out of rocks to Harry Potter's author When finished, it'll be called the Rowling Stones.
I bet the Chinese get excited when it's raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.
How many white Police Officers does it take to beat up one black motorist? None. He fell down some stairs.
Mozart took a young wife, as was common in the day. After a very brief first night together, he felt inspired to write a song. He called it Minute in A Minor.
How did the New Orlean Pelicans get their name? They should've gone with the Hurricanes.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I remember 2016... Just like it was yesterday.
a priest, a jew, and an atheist walk into a bar... they get a few drinks, and walk out.
What do you call a crippled kid locked in a hot car? Steamed Vegetable.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire ME: wouldn't it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then? BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
John Boehner killed a bug at the state for the union address It was a House fly.
My favorite German children's story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
What burns longer, a red or a green candle? Neither, they both burn shorter.
An asian man goes to the eye doctor... Doctor: "Sir you have cataracts." Asian man: "No I drive a honda."
I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read "Future Events." Well, that's a sign of things to come.
What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!
Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end? It was unmiscible.
What's the difference between a joke and a pussy There's a chance you might actually get a joke.
I hear U.S military bases in the Middle East party hard. The soldiers there are always taking shots.
Your mom is like a bowling ball she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, and she always comes back for more.
A Tree walks into a bank... ...and says to the teller, "I'd like to take out a loan." The teller replies, "You'll have to talk to our branch manager."
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. ^(Saw it on Reddit before, if someone can find source I'll link it.)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? . Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat
Q: If Rodham gets health care Bentsen gets  treasury and Aspin gets defense what does Gore get? A: Coffee.
NSFW what does a suicide bomber need virgins for i read that suicide bombers get offered a bunch of virgins in heaven but whats a pile of mince meat going to do with them in heaven anyway.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
GOP Moves To Block Obama From Naming Scalia Successor.... They believe a black president only gets 3/5ths of a term
[At a One Direction concert] No, I'm not a...I SAID NO I'M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
These dull kitchen knife jokes just aren't cutting it anymore.
What do you call a Mexican that acts like a white person? A wiener
What is the most successful spinoff ever made? The Bible
Hey, Can I take you to Hogwarts? Because I'm 9 and 3/4.
I made up a new word. Plagiarism.
At the doctor's... - Sir, you need to stop masturbating. - Why, doc? - So I can start examining you!
Why aren't cars made out of wood? Because they wooden go.
Hey, Baby, you work for the TSA? 'Cause I've got a suspicious package, and I need you to blow it.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It's so adorable.
*admires David at the museum* I can't believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
What do you call Batman when he ditches church? Christian Bale
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don't.
What kind of fruit tells the best jokes? A punkin. Edit: and apparently not me.
I had an asthma attack while walking to work today... Even I didn't believe it when 3 asthmatics jumped out of a bush and started hitting me.
The people of Iran don't watch The Flintstones... but the people of Abu Dhabi do!
LION: Lions don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous. LION: *upset* Shaun said that?
What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren't those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?
I want a Times New Roman on the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My friend tried to convince me that hard drugs should remain illegal... ...but his argument had no substance.
Why does Santa have 0 children? He only comes once a year and its a down a chimney.
*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone. *Adds "extremely organized" to resume.
Just found out that my cat, Jellybeans, is just an old bag of jellybeans. Still love him so much.
how many corrections officers does it take to throw an inmate down the stairs? none he fell
ME: Do ghosts wear condoms DENTIST: How are you still awake
At geography class Little Jon is at school reading his geography book in class. The teacher tries to surprise him: - Where's England, Jon? He proudly answers: - Page 83.
I'm unclear on that of which you speak. Please elaborate, Willis.
How do pasta strainers go to the bathroom? Through their little-ass holes
I checked an anti-gravity book out of the library... I just can't put it down.
Why do Kenyans always win marathons? At the end, they get a bag of chips and a Coke. -My dad told me this joke when we went to a race-
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
What kind of doctor deals with pussies? A whinecologist.
Why did Stephen get an A on his test? He held his teacher at gunpoint and forced her to give him a good grade despite the fact he got an F.
What would a Chinese person never eat, but a Mexican regularly eats incredulously? Pan *duh*
What kind of bread do Rednecks like? Inbred
What do you get when you put two Beta Fish in the same tank? One Alpha Fish.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath, Is NOT considered "helping her vacuum." Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
So my friend is dating twins... ...And I said, "Isn't it hard to tell them appart?" He replied with, "Well not really, the brother has a moustache."
How are Pornstars paid? Income
What do you call it when a rabbit tactfully jumps in front of a line? A nice hare cut
Who fancies going to Tunisia? I heard they're giving free shots on the beach. They go straight to your head, too.
I like my women in the same fashion I like my pencil lead. Thin, black, and easily breakable.
I think Jesus is black Because he is our father and hasn't come back yet
I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
Why didn't Jesus start a charity? Cuz they're not for prophets.
A guy walks into a bar Ouch.
Two blonde girls are heading to Disneyland... While driving they see a sign "Disney Left". They cry and head home. (Little bro told me this one. Not sure if it has been told before.)
Why did Bernie Sanders's chicken restaurant throw out so much food? He only sold left wings.
One of my "100 things to do before you die" would definitely be "call an ambulance".
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his coffee? Cus he drank it before it was cool.
Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean? She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.
What does the US military and a fart have in common? Air Force
Did you hear about the obese millionaire? He has a four chin.
When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said "I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these" So now I poop into socks
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, YOU RACIST SON OF A BITCH!
What gets really high in Colorado? The average elevation.
Why didn't the fisherman go to Florida to fish for long jawed fish with rows of razor like teeth? He didn't have a Gar
Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it's from the newsgroup server.
And on the 8th day, He said "Oh I'll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!"
A new study has shown banana skins contain traces of LSD... I guess that explains why people are always tripping on them
i love how flies rub their hands together like little criminals
Do you know what the secret of encouragement is? Of course you don't.
Behind every successful man there's a woman they say, But behind a successful woman there's a stupid man.
Why did the Energizer Bunny need to lawyer up? He was charged with battery.
I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept? Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women...
What Do Twitter Users Call Themselves? Twats.
What is the most religious insect ? A mosque-ito !
I am not a "Grammar Nazi"... I prefer the term "Alt-Write".
What caused the civil war in Ethiopia? Too many Negus.
Hey...quick question, fellas: Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
So Bruce Jenner might have been texting... Does this make him a transtextual? ....I'll see my way out
What do you call a liquid that spent all its money dissolving solute? [in]solvent
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?" And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you"
3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.
Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year!
Do you know where I can buy tickets to the Gun Show? at the Armitorium.
What do you call all that useless meat around the vagina? A woman
Q: What do outlaws eat with their milk? A: Crookies.
My wife said she wanted a divorce for Christmas. I told her I did not want to spend that much.
Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
Doctor doctor I'm at death's door!  Don't worry Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you  through.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70? Your honor.
Why don't catholic priest believe in condoms? Because little boys can't get pregnant.
I bet the Americans feel really stupid now. They've spent millions fighting ISIS when all they had to do was change their profile picture.
Why are dogs and engineers alike ? They both have intelligent eyes, but neither can talk properly.
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I asked my friend "Do you know any other word for a big rock?" He said "Boulder?" I said **"Do you know any other word for a big rock?"**
I have a gun by my bed. So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being.
Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium? NeIn.
Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFO's and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted
Where did Noah keep the Bees? In the Ark-Hives.
I laid back last night and admired the sky above me, taking in the beauty of the universe when it hit me... Where the fuck is my roof?
80% of life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts
Walked in lecture hall mid-lecture and the professor yells "CAN I HELP YOU?!" "No thanks, I'm just browsing."
Now the Supreme Court has ruled that corporations are legally a person with rights, there are a lot of rape charges I'm filing against them.
What subject did Dracula major in during college? AcCOUNTing This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.
Since we seem to be terrified of homosexuals, it would seem that the key to conquering America would be to attack us with an all-Gay army.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire :).
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to Beethoven on the way to the fancy dress party? "I'll be Bach"
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for the Fresh Prints.
Why does everyone love Plato? Because he loved Dogs and he had two sons named Plato and Socrates
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her "cupcake." How do they know what that is? This movie doesn't seem very realistic, you guys.
What's the difference between a preschool and a terrorist training camp? Don't ask me...I just fly the drones!
The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going  ?
Did you hear about the wooden horse? No tale.
What slides in and out until it's balls are busted? Piston
I met a guy yesterday who told me he worked as a limb stretcher. Turns out the bastard was pulling my leg.
What's long thin and smells of piss? Old people doing the conga.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender
Why can't Hillary Clinton be called a female? Because she deleted the emale.
Why did the toilet paper stop crossing the road? It got stuck in a crack.
Q: What did the finger say to the thumb? A: I'm in glove with you.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar-fifty, and deer nuts are under a buck.
This girl said "she didn't know how I would take it..." So I figured if anything I'd just give it back.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" The horse says "oh...well my leg is really messed up, so tomorrow they are gunna shoot me in the fuckin head"
What do you call bears without ears? B.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said "No thanks I'll walk"
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
What's the difference between pink and purple? The squeeze.
What do you call a natural blonde who dyes her hair? Artificial intelligence.
In a marriage it's always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
did you hear that a former US president bought out a convenience store chain? Bush did 7/11
I'm like a kid in a candy store..... I can't afford anything.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight Hockey mask *check Chainsaw *check Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Temperature in the office is set to Dante.
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way? He whale-d
A cannibal is waking in the jungle &amp; passes his friend.
What do most Indian people have in common? They all like to Singh.
If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?
If there were such a thing as beavers that were small and live in people's circulatory systems, what would be their religion? Embolism.
What nationality are Sprinters? They Russian. I'll also see myself out.
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? The pussy is the cute fuzzy thing and the cunt is what it's attached to.
What's the best part about dating a homeless chick? You can drop her off wherever.
Did you hear about the naked guy swimming in the river in Paris? He was in Seine
*re-dials* Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it's so honest
If there was a championship for the world's biggest loser, Hillary would take second place. Because she can't win anything.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw bananas at her.
Wanna hear a pizza joke? Nevermind. It's too cheesy.
What time is it in Brazil? Oh, it's 7 past Cesar
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and only got a toaster.
The date had been magic. We moved to her couch & kissed. That's when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.
What's a sorority girls favorite camera? A Like uh
How do you stop a deaf women from telling anyone you raped her How
(OC) Wanna know my secret to not catching STD's? I have kleenexes.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might me a little to get hard, I just got laid by some chick. EDIT: "take me a little while"
What did the Pope say when he first saw the Shroud of Turin? Holy Sheet!
I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years. I'm blind
In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth... The rest was made in China.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!
Why do all black people go to heaven? The Son is attracted to black
Teach a man to fish & you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach your kid to make a good martini & you won't give a crap about fish or men.
What nipple did the UFO crash land on? Areola 51
Why was the bicycle lying on the side of the road? It was two tired.
You would think that you would be a better pastry chef With all the creampie videos I watch...
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a "vator". Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call...
What do you get when you have a mothball in each hand? One happy big-assed moth!
Wait just a minute! You're not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.
what do you call a rodent that smokes weed? A Hemp-ster
Why did Blacula get kicked out of a Yale Halloween party? The party was for "Wights only."
Why do black guys always have red eyes after sex? Mace.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek* "Make a wish," I say. *I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
How do you kill a blonde? There are three ways; -put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool -a mirror at the bottom of a pool -or put a condom on the top of a flag pole
This bartender doesn't know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girls arsehole? You know its wrong but sooner or later your going to lick it.
Parallel lines have so much in common... It's a shame they'll never meet
How do you make an eggroll? You push it.
Finally, I got the model wife I always wanted Unfortunately she's a plus size model
Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
I downloaded the Qur'an the other day.... if you like i'll burn you a copy :D
This Political Correctness stuff is really getting out of hand. I can't even say "black paint" anymore. Now I have to say "Jamal, please paint."
This sub Reddit is like rain on a mountain We don't know where it's going but it's going downhill fucking fast
Why are there no Irish attorneys? None of them can pass the Bar.
I love self-deprecating jokes. Too bad I suck at them.
I hadn't been laid in a long time, so I slipped a girl a roofie at a bar. She still wouldn't have sex with me, she just wanted to sleep.
I had to get knee surgery the other day... now my knee is a faux-knee
Dad: "Go to your room now!" Child: *storms off* "Jim Morrison was overrated!" Dad: "What did I tell you about slamming the Doors?!"
I wonder.... Sometimes I wonder what would it feel if 'Dick' is your Real name and you say : "No hard feelings"
All across the United States of America, at this very moment, right now.... Kelsey, Madison and Taylor literally can't even.
A nationwide recall of the popular children's cereal Trix was issued today "Just dump them out in your garden" said one long-eared FDA agent
"I've changed my mind." "Thank God! Does it work better now?"
How do you make 3 pounds of fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.
yo mama so stupid that when she enterd a stupid contest they said sorry no professionals.
I had a one night stand with a girl who liked having pitchers of urine dumped on her head. It was a piss poor experience
What do you call a ghost that stays out all  night? Afresh air freak.
a newly elected governor trying to teach his kid how to spell assassination one ASS behind another ASS, behind that I and behind me the whole NATION
The children of Amazon cannibal tribes think Chuck Norris is the Easter Bunny because he hides body parts for them to find every Easter morning.
why are sex ed and drivers ed never on the same day in Iraq ? the camel would get overworked
A juice bar called Just Kale Yourself.
A man only buys water from a dancer. His son notices this and after a while he asks him, "Why do you only buy water from that dancer?" "Because," the father said with a grin, "I enjoy *tap* water!"
How do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Stick
Took my guitar to an open mic night at a bar. Yea, it sucked cuz they made me play one less chord. Guess one of 'em was a minor.
ok be honest with me here. level with me a sec. mint choc chip ice cream. it's just cold toothpaste right. don't horseshit around with me
I told my mom I was going to go work the polls. She replied, "don't forget to wipe it down before you start your set."
Word meanings: Slut: A prostitute that doesn't charge. Prostitute: A clever slut!
Just saw John Cena! lol jk
Thought for today: Each day is a gift from God ... but not Monday, it was regifted by Satan.
I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Have you see the movie constipation? No? That's because it hasn't come out yet.
I'm changing my name to Ceed. Because all girls want to succeed!
Ibuprofenum and Aspirin are running in a race... Suddenly prednisolone passes them and wins first place. Ibuprofenum looks toward Aspirin and mutters: "fucking steroids"
When your mate says his name is Stephen with a 'ph' to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading 'PHEVEN'. That.
"Daddy, what's for breakfast?" "Its 5am. Anything you can reach"
Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes.
I'm on Twitter because my family is on Facebook.
I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ... Maybe not a funny joke but at least it is deep.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can't respond. That's where House Horn comes in
Ban pre-shredded cheese... Make America grate again!
What do you call a town in the middle of the Arctic Ocean? An Iceburgh.
Say what you will about Hamas... ...but their education system is top notch. Over 90% of the children in Gaza become "Rocket Scientists".
saw guy at the store hand his gf some "cutie" oranges and say "youre the real cutie." i went to the bedding aisle and screamed into a pillow
Where can you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like "sure what the hell" and grabbed a couple pieces
I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far. He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.
"I like Trump because he isn't a politician." Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.
I saw two Asian guys backing up a UHaul truck to a Home Depot and it reminded me of a great thing about being white. I know someone with a pickup truck.
I was going to ask you to have anal sex with me... Butt fuck it.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I'm not even playing Pokemon Go!
Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
[me as a passenger on the titanic] oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops screwing the client when they die. Source: eavesdropping on the legal counsel at work.
I'm making a movie about a guy who thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him, so he secretly followers her around to keep an eye on her. It's called "Bae Watch".
Her: "Do you wear boxers?" Me: "What kind of sick person would wear dogs, anyway?"
If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get? Mistletoe.
Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I really need to find a boyfriend. Guy at poker table was like "This is my girlfriend, Kayla," and I was like, "This is my sandwich, Ham."
My poop likes rap music It's down with OP pee.
British sense of humour
What is the opposite of a cold front?  -A warm back
How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.
Lee was born without legs, but he was incredibly determined to finish the triathlon. Slow Lee but sure Lee.
Good Ol' Yo Mama joke Yo mama so dirty, she can give someone an ear infection through a phone.
"Alright Mike Tyson, to win $100,000 you need to name a fashion accessory and a place in Australia." Mike Tyson: "That's easy. It's Perth!"
What did God say when Eve swim in the ocean for the first? He said, "Oh great, now we'll never get that smell off the fish".
What did Michael Fox bring to baby Jesus? Parkincense.
How do you get down from a horse? You don't. You get down from a duck.
What's long, green, slimy and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger
What do you call someone who studied from the greatest teachers in the country, met the greatest scientists, academicians, friends in the country? Donald Trump
How can I go to sleep when this movie I've seen 70 times just started?
Lincoln was known for his signature look; stovepipe hat, chinstrap beard, fingerless driving gloves, Jordans, shirt with Ferrari logo on it
Why did Prince William lose his cool? He wasn't properly heir conditioned.
What did the banana say to the apple? Nothing. Fruits can't talk. Idiot.
Speaking of dogs... There's a dog with no hind legs, and bollocks made of steel. So, this dog is coming down the street. Do you know what is the name of the dog? . . . . Sparky!
A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today. Reports say he was squashed.
One dark night, there was a rustle in the bushes... Russel, get out of the bushes!
Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar notes in a rubber band? Because we found the rubber band
There's safety in numbers. Unless there are 6,000,000 of you. And you're Jews.
If at first you don't succeed... ...skydiving is not for you!
Knock Knock "Who's There?" "Bang Bang" "Bang Bang Who?" "Oscar Pistorius"
Guys Trip to Vegas My wife asked me after our guys trip to Vegas if I had thought of her while I was there. Apparently, "only to keep from coming too soon" was not a very good answer.
Some days, I love being an elevator repair man... but I hate the days when people ask me if it has "it's ups and downs."
Well there's definitely one word I can't use to describe Tom Brady's ego... Inflated.
My friends are like the square root of -1 They're imaginary.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
This morning i had an eye opening expereince. Damn alarm clock
My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, "That's not your left foot" a billion times.
The prophet Muhammad, Hitler and Charles Manson walk into a gay bar The bartender runs for his life screaming "NO! FUCK THIS JOKE!"
Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren't clean, they're full of spit
What would Germans call a painfully offensive joke? Ouchwitz &gt;say ouch when offended or in pain &gt;Witz is the German word for joke &gt;sounds like auschwitz
Don McClean's wife just surpassed American Pie as his greatest hit.
What did the bad shock tell the good shock? I'm bad under pressure!! It's the lamest car joke in the world.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel peace prize? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Fuck you, stupid ass crackers!!! Why won't you melt in my soup!?!?
Police arrested two kids yesterday One was drinking battery acid, the other one eating fireworks. They carged one - and let the other one off.
I gave my friend an elephant. It was standing in his living room. He said, "Thanks for the elephant". I said, "Don't mention it".
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? You can mash potatoes, but you can't pee soup. (sorry sorry. Really. I've loved this joke since I was... oh.. six...)
My next tattoo will be "helvetica" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If we have an Idaho, why don't we have an Idapimp? Rimshot.mp3
Useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
What's the difference between U and I? J
Why are there so many piggy banks? Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.
A blowjob will make your day But dry anal will make your hole weak.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs* *falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth! Doc: ... Me: Aren't you obligated to help? Husband: GET UP!
What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? So you're the one!
I set my alarm clock to play Alice in Chains I call it my morning "Would?"
You've got penis [Cast: a man and a woman.] Woman/man: [bump into each other.] Woman: You've got penis in my vagina. Man: You've got vagina in my penis woman/man: [moan]
"911" "Hello, my wife was cooking and she fell" "What's the emergency?" "How long before the rice is ready?"
What machine should I use at the gym to impress girls? The ATM
Recently, 218 Italian MPs signed a bipartisan bill for the legalization of marijuana...[x-post from r/trees] They're basically in joint support, for *joint* support. I'll show myself out.
Is your refrigerator operating properly? Then you'd better go catch it... Wait..
I once met a girl with 12 nipples Sounds funny, dozen tit
It's wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Remember that time Joe Biden succeeded the previous vice president? That was a dick move.
Cheating in a joke. A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? You call him a pilot you fucking racist.
New research shows there are no Ginger Bankers... Survey results suggested that although many wanted to work in finance, they wern't able to sell their soul to Satan...
Hm im scared of getting murdered. better go watch 20 tv shows about murder
What kind of porn does Smurfette make? Blue Cocky.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[cemetery] *priest says a final prayer* *harambe's casket is lowered into the ground* *toddler falls in*
These Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
What is it called when you insult an Indian so bad that he bursts into flames? A Sikh burn
Did you hear about the guy who stole a dictionary from the library? He got away with words.
"A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend."
Came up with this one when I was 10: what do you get when you cross an elephant and a snail? I don't know either, but it sure won't be good for your vegetable garden.
Why does Noddy have a bell on top of his hat? Because he's a dickhead.
The melons Why did the melons get married in a church? Because they cant-elope.
For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.
"'Earth' without 'the' is just 'ar'." - Pirates If you haven't seen "Earth without art is just eh" then you prolly didn't like this tweet.
Boolean Algebra You either know it or you don't.
IT AND LIGHT BULBS Q: How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a Facilities problem.
Somebody stole my mood ring I'm not sure how i feel about it
Walking around the kitchen like Pac-Man when you're hungry.
Star Wars Spoiler: Darth Vader is Luke's father.
How about instead of me calling you to let you know that I landed safely, you just watch the news?
Why did Ginger go to the psych ward? Ginger snaps
Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
What does Garry Newman want to be when he grows up? Garry Oldman.
The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day...
It's okay Pluto I am not a planet either.
Why couldn't Bill Gates get any girls? His hardware was Microsoft
(At a funeral) Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly a dick in your mouth.
My archaeologist friend has invited me to a party to celebrate finding an ancient man's leg. It should be quite a shin-dig.
Why do they call camels the ships of the desert? Because they're full of Arab semen
My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy! Now I have to sit down when I pee.
How can you tell a mechanic got laid? He has one clean finger
What do you get when you mix gangsta rap and relational aesthetics? Albums released through California penal records.
Is old rope good enough for a hanging? Frayed knot. That stuff is bad noose.
My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat.
{At funeral} *holding widows hand* I'm sorry for your loss. He had so much updog "What's updog?" *pats her hand* Not much what's up with you
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
What do a loading bar and my girlfriend have in common? Both equally inefficient at letting me know when they are actually ready.
I got called 'fag' a lot as a kid Until the day I stood up for myself and punched my mom in the face.
How do you know you've been burgled by asians? You come home to find your math homework was done, your computer was upgraded, and they're still trying to back down the driveway.
what did the strong bee say to the weak bee? beehold my power
Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad
You can fart openly as long as you're always holding a whoopee cushion.
q: What's got four legs, is fuzzy and green, and would kill you if it came out of a tree at you? a: A pool table.
You can't spell dad without a
Perverts have made it so you can't even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls' college diving team meets anymore.
why don't blind people skydive? Its scares the heck out of the dog.
How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German? Kinder Surprise
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. It may not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I'm a violent sadist, but I also enjoy beastiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?
Me and my wife, we have decided that we don't want kids. They are not gonna like it.
Me: how was your date? Friend: I ruined her panties. M: Wow that's hot man. F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
What do you call a duck that does drugs? A quack head!
If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
WIFE: You know, you're my best friend! Am I your best friend? ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes: You will vacuum the living room. You will run into the coffee table.
Please donate to my gofundme to replace the laptop i threw across the room in anger after my last gofundme failed
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Don't "pshhh" me, you stupid bus.
Can a hippo be a hypocrite. Would the elephants call him hippocrite. Then he can call them elecunts.
The most stable relationship I've had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we've been dating for the past year.
Saw a Ringneck Dove in our garden... ... so I wrung its neck.
What did Apply say to the iPhone 7? Hit the road, Jack.
Yearning &gt; Earning Mamma's yearning capacity is greater than papa's earning capacity.
Q :Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy? A :I dont know, and i dont care
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep? Microphones!
What's the difference between a white nationalist and a racist? Two syllables.
On a scale of 1 to 'Maxi pad with wings' How self-absorbed are you?
So this guy gets pulled over... He's speeding and clearly stoned. The police officer says: "How high are you?" And the man replies "No officer, it's hi how are you."
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was going to... Al's Toybarn!
Know Thyself, said Jesus. in the biblical sense. Merry Christmas.
I just now remembered the Titans.
A Muslim tried to tell a joke It bombed.
Shields. What is Captain America's shield made of? Vibranium. What is Hawkeye's Shield made of? **Quicksilver**
[explain this joke] Phil Hartman "what's the word on the street?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X2hqdOMxyM&amp;t=9m34s different version http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0500148/quotes?item=qt0199251
My asian friend lent me a cow with hair that changes color It's currently on roan
I once asked a friend what he would do if the world was going to end. He told me he would fuck anything that moves. He then asked me the same question. I told him I'd stand very very still.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you
They say you can't skip leg day Ironically it is because of leg day that you can't skip.
What do you call someone who can masturbate with either hand? Ambidickstrous
"Do you think the meme war will ever end?" It may-may not.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
A man with a lute... ..went to the pub for a drink, but the bouncer stopped him and said, "Sorry mate, you're bard."
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff... Ba-dum-tss.
How do you say virgin in German? Goodandtight
What do you call a big Eastern European sausage? Kielbasa (Often Pronounced Ca-Ba-Sa.)
If you care about someone, even a little bit. I beg of you. Please. TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
What happened to the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl? They had a MetLife crisis. (that's the name of the stadium)
Who is the king of stationary? The ruler.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
English Teacher: So class we're going to be talking about Biased today "So Fox News?"
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot you racist bastard.
How do you get wishes from cheese? You fed-a-genie!
Can't wait for it to get dark earlier so I can pick my nose in traffic.
My doctor said I need freshly squeezed orange juice everyday I cannot concentrate!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
GF: "I'm telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn't make you any less important." BF: "Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto."
My wife's late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She's mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as "options."
Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.
Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine and wooden wheels? It wooden move.
I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking. He said he was busy and I'd just have to be a little patient.
My Friend Has A Dyslexic Skin Condition My friend has a dyslexic skin condition. He wears his blood on his sleeve.
I went to library to check out a book on suicide. The librarian asked me "who would bring it back?"
What's an MLG's smartphone of choice? An HTC One M8.
Why did Renault name a car "Le Car"? So customers wouldn't accidentally drive Le Lawnmower to work.
What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I loved church when i was little, but what i hated was all the standing up, and sitting down and kneeling I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me already.
Now accepting applications for a new best friend. Must be willing to let me put my fingers in your mouth. No Mexicans. No skanks. Por favor.
As a broke college student, do you know what the best vehicle to have is? A scholarSHIP. I'm sorry.
What did your last slave die of? A perforated colon.
[Office] Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now. Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
What did the bolt say to the nut? "Washer? I don't even know 'er!"
Am I the only one that sees the irony? In a Christian calling Scientology crazy?
What did the extremely super cool and awesome guy say to his equally super cool and awesome friend? Your *sup* is *bro*ing!
[enter password] *Correct* [your password is incorrect] Me: ahh that's right *incorrect* Login Successful
A man goes to his doctors who is partially deaf. Man: "Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a volt!" Doctor: "You feel like a watt?"
I don't find dead comedians funny Probably because they're post-humourous.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
u ever watch a spider build a web and ur like damn and i cant even build a desk from IKEA
Amazingly, over half a million people showed up for Obama's inauguration ceremony, and only 8 missed work.
So who is this "Rorschach" guy... ...And why does he love drawing pictures of naked men?
*about to rob a bank* "Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun" i dont need one "why not" i already have two *kisses biceps*
Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
My boss wants to take me to lunch... I ask him, "Where do you want to go? Are burgers cool?" He said, "I'll eat pretty much anything, except for fish." I reply, "Your poor wife"
Man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac.... He said " can i have a drink and one for the road"
What does Snoop Lion do when he forgets to wear oven mitts? Drops it like it's hot.
[rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: I'm hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103! 911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me? M: maybe 911: stop
KANYE FOR PRESIDENT.
What did the frog with internet addiction say? Reddit
You're not impressing anyone, server who didn't write down our orders. You're just making us anxious.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn't say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit. His future in Politics is secure.
How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent? She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"
A hipster politician was found dead today of an apparent suicide. He won the popular vote and just couldn't handle it.
Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer... she exclaims, "Some asshole's got my pen!"
Where is it? Last night I went to a bar called the G-Spot. It was hard to find.
What's the difference between an African American lesbian and someone flying a confederate flag? One's a black that hates dicks, the other's a dick that hates blacks.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own. Then eat it in front of them.
Doctor: "Good news you passed your hearing test!" Patient: "HUH"
wonder if ppl who watch the show Finding Bigfoot are aware that every episode they watch will end with them not finding Bigfoot...
Why did the Frenchman not want two eggs? Because one egg is un oeuf.
Donald Trump For President! That was the joke
Why don't debutantes like group sex? Too many thank you notes to write
So yet another snake walks into a bar... He asks the bartender, "Gimme a shot of Jack!" "No sir." "Well why not?" The snake said. "You can't hold your liquor!"
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
my boss tried to throw me under the bus.. and get me to agree with him.
How many baby's does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them
[Spelling bee] Judge: "Your word is unhelpful." Kid: "Can you use it in a sentence please?" Judge: "Nope."
Shout out to all you guys with permanent amnesia. You know who you are.
My friends that majored in English always tell me the same thing Welcome to Starbucks!
So, my masturbation classes are not going to well I'm afraid... ...yesterday, nobody came.
So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot... ...It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
What kind of operating system do horses use? None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.
Which cheese is made backwards? Edam
Did you hear what they named the plane that carried nurse #1 to Maryland? The Ebola gay
How do you know that Adam and Eve were white? Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man?
Why don't Brits like revolving doors? A: Because they can't hold it for the next person.
"I just left my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me." Friend: "What did he say." Me: "You're fired."
Friend at work hit me with this. (Sorry if repost.) If a Stork brings white babies, and a Crow brings black babies. What brings no babies? The Swallow.
Are cucumbers the only food you can put over your eyes to reduce puffiness because these pizza bagels aren't helping at all.
I turn into a Mexican soccer announcer when in driving in traffic GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
How many members of Coldplay does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but he'd have to watch Radiohead do it first.
What do wooden whales eat? A plankton.
Why didn't the math teacher sin? Cosecant.
What's the best thing about murder? Nobody remembers the rape.
Girlfriends are like puzzles. The smaller ones are easier to beat
What do you call a Chinese cameraman? Phil Ming
Parents: It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My boss told me: "Dress for the job you want..." so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning's meeting.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
What's not 50% off today? Health insurance
[First date] Her: i'm a criminal lawyer, what do you do? Me: really, well it just so happens that I... (trying to impress her) ...am a criminal
Want to hear a joke? Women's Rights
How much does a birdhouse cost? I don't know the exact price but I know they're pretty cheep
Things I'm never going to do: - Give you up - Let you down - Run around - Desert you - Make you cry - Say goodbye - Tell a lie - Hurt you
Just saw a lady saying grace over her salad. Lettuce pray.
Two antennas got married. The ceremony was nothing to write home about, but the reception was outstanding.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel* "Sir, here's your 17 big macs and a large milkshake." May I please have a straw? *camel collapses*
*climbs into windowless van* *puts on "Free Hugs" t-shirt* *heads out to make new friends* *fails* *waits for lawyer in windowless room*
I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said "Never forget what I'm about to tell you" then some story about corn.
I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond... It's a chemical agent.
I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.
Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
What's green and invisible? This cabbage
What do you call a Mexican whose car has been stolen? Carlos
What happened why the grape was squished? It let out a little wine Eh....eh..eh
Trump is a great guy. He's giving two million illegal immigrants free trips to Mexico.
I hear the moon is a pretty boring place... There's absolutely no atmosphere
what do you call an arab vegatarian a muslim fondalentalist
I like my women like I like my wine... ...locked in a dark basement for several years until they are mature enough to enjoy. Edit:yay made front page of the jokes!!!
An infinite number of redditors walk into r/Jokes But they can't get past the infinite mathematicians and cows
Your mom at a food bank...Food for thot.
Q: What is a grasshopper? A: An insect on a pogo stick.
If Osama Bin Laden really wanted to cripple America he'd attack Facebook
How do you make Peppermint Creme? Finger it really well.
Knock knock Who's there A gorgon. A gorgon who? 420 gaze it. Geddit. Because then you'd be stoned? Okay, sorry I'll leave.
My mom caught me smoking weed. She punished me by sending me to my room without any supper.
A List of Shitty Jokes 1. This joke. 2.
Just an Internet Explorer joke loading...
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree. *disagrees with someone online* YOU'RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU'RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
What do a woman and a bar have in common? Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
I love how people act like they don't want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you're still there.
[At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?
Why I don't trust women.... Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
French joke Why are the streets of France lined with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade.
Little John discovered his testicles while taking a shower and asked his mother. Johny:"Mom! Are these my brains?" Mother:" Not yet Johny"
What is the difference between Issac Newton and the 5 year old i just stabbed to death? Issac Newton died a virgin.
In my math homework I was asked what's the difference a racist and a mathematician. I need help solving this equation, maybe one of you could ask one of your Asian friends for me?
How do you know if your friend, "Doesn't even OWN a TV?" Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. "Did you hear about the President's new policy on...?" "I don't even OWN a TV!"
Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining because of the cold. I'm whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I'm going to keep buying cats until one of them does something hilarious and makes me a YouTube millionaire.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry but they only had iceberg.
What did the old fly say to the young fly? I've seen a lot of shit!
my wife said ive got a drink problem over the holidays........ .........yes you're right , ive only got one mouth. badum tsss.
How many Super Sayains does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!
I could tell you some great jokes about unemployed people... But none of them work.
I think my new dog thinks he is a blacksmith As soon as I took him inside he made a bolt for the door
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren't drinking for a while & they think you're getting your shit together
I can't believe it's 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross
Do you even know what patronizing means?
[at a wedding] *bridesmaids walk to stage* 5 year old: Does he get to pick?
How does a blond, get revenge on her blond boyfriend? She paints a target icon around the outlet.
What should my wife & I fight about tonight? Maybe start with something new then segue into a classic?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
What did Picard say when Riker asked him what kind of Chinese food he wanted? "Make it Tso's Number One."
What is the Arabic word for Priest? Infidel.
Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.
What's the difference between Yogurt and L.A.? Yogurt has a live and thriving culture.
Two buddies just got home from working out at the gym... Guy 1: "Dude, were out of protein powder!" Guy 2: "No Whey!"
Why did the german die from his injuries Because when his friend asked if there is a number to call incase of emergencies like this, he replied "999".
I tried to figure out why the tennis ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Why are refugees bad at math? They refuse to integrate.
Last week, my friends and I went to a topless bar... ...but we had to leave right away because it started raining.
"I enjoy short walks to the fridge" - Fat people personal ads
BREAKING NEWS: vaccinations do not work [camera cuts to several deflated balloon animals] look at these poor fellas
I was talking to a mathematician the other day about fractions it was fair to say, our opinions were divided
If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you. Obviously.
If you're having girl probs, I don't feel bad for you, son/ I've got ninety-nine traits but empathy ain't one
Two atoms walk into a bar... One atom says to the other "I think I lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" The other replies "I'm positive."
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
What symphony is a pedophiles favorite? Mozart's magic flute in A minor.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It may take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
A woman gets hit by a car... looks like she got to see how the Mercedes Benz
Sex is like the stock market... It's better if you're insider.
My favourite joke at the moment... How do you get an elephant in to a plastic bag? First you take the 'T' out of 'Tesco', what do you get? Esco. Then you take the 'F' out of 'Weigh', what do you get?
So I got a vasectomy today... Doctor walks in and says: "you're in good hands, I've altered more balls than Tom Brady"
What do you call it when you forgot to use mouthwash, and it kills an otherwise pleasant evening? A "no scope"
My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing!  That's what he'll answer nothing!
A dick has a sad life His hair is a mess His family is nuts His neighbour is an asshole And, his owner beats him.
If you are on a low-sodium diet avoid my twitter because I AM VERY SALTY TODAY.
Tom Brady ... You the real M.V.P!!!!
I hate people who love anal sex They're all fucking assholes
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow. Sir, that's a phone book.
Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?' a Thought said and killed herself...
Yesterday I met a pirate that wouldn't stop telling me about his age. Aye matey.
What version of windows does Jesus use? XP Edit: [Explanation](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chi_Rho)
What does a Jewish wife make for dinner? Reservations.
The girl saw he had big hands and big feet... She thinks it over a minute, and invites herself to his house for the night. As she's leaving, she says "Well, two out of three ain't bad!"
What does a bee from Asia do? Nepallinates flowers.
She said I was average. That's just mean.
I don't understand all the excitement over Usain Bolt I finish in under ten seconds all the time.
What's the most disgusting, distasteful international treaty organization? EU!
They say "pick your battles", so today Oreos win.
How do you pleasure a capitalist? An invisible handjob.
Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw his gas bill.
Three Old Nuns... Three Old Nuns are sitting on a park bench, when a man runs up and flashes them. Two of them have a stroke... The other one can't reach.
Why do black people have white palms? (NSFW) Because everybody needs a little good in them. *Found in my Spanish text book in 6th grade... kids man
What's the difference between dead hookers and copper plumbing? I don't have copper plumbing 8n my crawlspace.
What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants? A dire rhetoric.
Short Brit joke. Imagine bonfire night in America. The population would go down before you can even say 'happy bonfire night'
How do you seize the means of production? By overthrowing the bourgeoisie 
My girlfriend says there's no difference between Asians and Caucasians. She really can't tell White from Wong.
Why was the doctor in a hurry to move to the big city? He was running out of patients.
Miss piggy Did u know that when she counts Miss Piggy never gets to 70? She gets to 69 and end up with a frog in her throat
What do you call a short mexican? A paragraph, hes not a full essay yet.
I tried donating to the itty-bitty titty committee... But they don't really need the support
I squared my root beer... ...now it's just a beer.
Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving Facebook notifications after a weekend of drinking that says "you have been tagged in a photo"
Yeah you ladies like bad boys, right? Haha well let me tell you, ladies,, I am bad at basically everything, ;)
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap... The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick
How to propose to a stoner: Marriage ya wanna?
So I invented a new beef and vegetable recipe, but it wasn't so great... It was meaty-okra.
Sorry I took the little stringy things off my banana and put them on your baby's head to make it look like he had hair.
Meant to say, "Let me check my calendar and get back to you." What came out: "I'm available anytime"
It's hard to get a lot done when you're busy having a snack every 15 minutes
A vegan, a feminist, and a Stranger Things fan walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes...
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way Car Guy: this ain't Pedestria buddy this is America
Mom said angels are watching over me I'm just afraid they're taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Skunks Roses are red. Violets are blue. If skunks had a college They'd call it P.U.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a whore?` None. They both fuck people for a living.
What do men do after orgasm? 1% Do it again 1% Go Smoking 1% Fall Asleep 97% Clear History EDIT: Punctuation
Why should you never bully a dyslexic dwarf? Because it's not big and it's not clever!
mermaid procreation how does a mermaid give birth? sea section
Coworker: What did you do on vacation? Me: Didn't come to work. Coworker: I know that! Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.
If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.
I don't like rape jokes... they always feel forced.
Didja hear the joke about the piece of paper ripped in half? It's tearable.
The sooner one of you ladies takes one for the team' and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother. Taxi Vader
I heard the camera adds 10 pounds. Don't eat cameras.
So Isaac Newton sits under a coconut tree...
Interviewer:Do you have time for a question? A: Yes...but...do...you...have...time...for...my...answer?
I want attention, but not TOO much attention. Please pay medium attention to me.
How do jews get around town? On penny boards.
"So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?" [pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs] ...I love to help animals.
What do you call a baby in a concentration camp? Baby Powder.
I wouldn't say I never exercise... Occasionally, my nose runs.
If a mime performs in the forest, and nobody is there to see him, it's all for the best.
The ladies call me "subway".. ..because I lie about being 12 inches and my meat smells like a yoga mat.
A date so good... I eat 10 more.
Learn from your parents mistakes... Use birth control
I was once told there was nothing positive about the Bubonic Plague I think Malthus would disagree.
I don't get why I'm supposed to like someone who's different in the streets and in the sheets sounds duplicitous just be a freak everywhere.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I've been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Why did the Libertarian cross the road? None of your damn business. Am I being detained?
I like my women like I like my cold meats In-bread
What is Cersei Lannister's favorite American city? Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.
"Can't touch this." "Can't touch this." "Can't touch this." --MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Im not sure who named the Gregorian calender ,probably some guy called Greg. Or Ian.
What did the apathetic philosopher doctor say? Who cures?
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
If kryptonite is Superman's only weakness, what is Supperman's only weakness? Leftovernite
How bill Gates counts 1 2 3 95 98 XP Vista 7 8 10 I bet he failed math
Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk  and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!
Whoever said "money doesn't grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
You would think that with the sun being 109 times the diameter of Earth... ...that it would be hard to lose it at night right? So I sat outside for the whole night, and then it dawned on me.
*punches a fish* that's for tsunamis
They say if you love something you should set it free... So I left my exwife in the middle of the woods....
I wonder if anyone on death row ever picked an all you can eat buffet for their last meal & just ate really slowly forever. Boom. Loophole.
i don't always not give a shit. but when i do. Nevermind, I don't give a shit
What is the worst that can happen to an atheist caricaturist ? To die as a martyr.
I head the singer of "Chandelier" is visiting my town I'm looking out for her, but I just can't Sia!
What piece of clothing is made overseas in an Asia country? Japanese
I am Patrick Cox with Tax Masters I like my women Easy 10-40 EZ
What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7? They both suffered the loss of one very important port.
Why are Muslims so violent? Because I slam.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing "Stay With Me" into a megaphone.
Reading texts you sent when you were drunk is like terrifying digital archeology.
Takeoffs are optional... Landings are mandatory
Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers? Because they were stale, matey!
No one on Twitter ever quotes me properly. I'm so mis-tweeted.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
When's the best time to see an optometrist? When you can't.
I was going to make a gay joke... Butt, fuck it.
My dolphin died... I have no porpoise in life.
We are the Midwest We are snowd en.
Picturing all of your organs, just laying there pulsating under your skin, is a pretty terrible way to try to fall asleep.
I'm an over medium comedian I don't always make yolks, but when I do, they are runny
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you'll be seeing me on the 6 o'clock news.
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too big.
friendship is so weird.. you just pick a human you've met and you're like "yup I like this one" and you just do stuff with them
What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time? Quantum Mechanics.
My friend just just dumped a funeral director she was dating. She said he was a real stiff.
I can't find the thing that I fuck every day, so I asked the kids.... Apparently the dog died two days ago.
How many babies does it take to paint a barn... ...depends on how hard you throw them
I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget's taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.
What's worse than a paper titty? A cardboard box
Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.
My hearing-impaired GF left me for a hearing-impaired man. I should have seen the signs.
There is a new machine for testing your sperm count at home Maybe I could use it to check my daughter's saliva sample
A lot of people say that Kim Jong Un is a terrible dictator.... but I worked as a secretary in his administration for several years, and found his speech to be clear, concise and well paced
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man
funny? Ordered coffee at Starbucks. He asked my name, so I told him "Bingo". When my coffee was ready he shouted "Bingo...Bingo". I don't think he thought it was very funny.
My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.
Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes
TIL that there is an exotic instrument only select children can master. Apparently the Fogle Fiddle has been around since 1977, who knew?
Well well well... looks like someone put on some weight again. ~ my pants right now
Why do Jews have big noses? Because the air is free :)
It's so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn't just a free aerial tour of the city.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
You can lead a horse to water... but jet fuel can't melt steel beams.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Me: Was this product tested on animals? Clerk: Yes. Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!! Clerk: Sir, that's a dog leash.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.
They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts.
I can't find a joke I read here yesterday... Now I have to wait all day to see it posted again :(
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn't be sacrificed anytime soon.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
What do farts and children have in common? You love your own, but hate everyone else's.
Boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once
(while falling down a well) god damnit i forgot to grab my phone charger
"Lifehack" is now just synonymous with "action." "A great lifehack for becoming a doctor is going to medical school!"
Cop: Freeze! Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden's bottomless pasta bowl* Rookie: We gotta go after him! Cop: No. He's gone.
There is a blonde and a zebra in a bath tub... And the blonde asks the zebra, "can you pass the soap?" The zebra says, "What do you think I am? A fucking typewriter!?"
SipXecs - I don't always SipX But when I do, I sip Dos Equis nerdjokes
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won't eat tomato soup.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you take out the sausage.
Where do you hide a hippie's weed? Under the soap.
One Eskimo said to the other, "Where is your mother from?" The second Eskimo says "Alaska."
Perfect on the spot SFW joke What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What do homosexuals and appliances have in common? They both turn on when plugged. And a difference? An appliance doesn't work when the plug is wet.
7yo: I'M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I'M GOING TO BED EARLY Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
what is the difference between toilet paper and toast Toast is brown on both sides.
Did you hear about the mooning emoji? Its colon was showing
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common? They both know when you are sleeping.
Support Group for People Who Talk Too Much It's called On and On Anon.
Why did Sally fall off the swings? She didn't have any arms. Knock knock. (Who's There) Not Sally
When your bio says "No DMs," I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say: "OK."
What do you call a group of people who hate Mexicans? Que Que Que
I find it odd that my son's teacher would like to see him skip grade one without knowing how horribly he screwed up when doing our taxes.
what does a good bar and a good woman have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back
What idiot called it synthetic cannabis instead of Crock Pot?
What happened to the man running in front of a car? He got tired. The man running behind the car -- he got exhausted.
What is Paul Georges favorite place to eat at? IHOP
Why do mexicans dislike rust? Because it is feo
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You're either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
This dumbass next to me on the highway is texting and driving.
What shoes does Brad wear? Loafers!
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date. 
Today marks a full year of keeping the baby alive. Now I want a goldfish
[1st date] Her: so u play piano? Him: yep Her: is it hard? Him: that's pretty forward but yeah, as a rock Her: I meant playing piano Him: oh
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Why did the USA bomb the kebab shop? Because there was a rumor they were harboring free radicals.
I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.
I Don't always post on Reddit But When i do, people just downvote. like now...
There's no way Kat Von D knows when she's done showering.
The definition of irony; Not knowing the difference between a definition, and an example.
What's the hardest thing to do in the morning? Peeing with a Boner
Axl Rose: Where do we go? Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now? Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now? Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Fucking a mannequin is not an excuse to tell your friends you're banging a model.
What do you call a seabird who's easily taken in? Gullible.
What did the Ethiopian Government say when the United States sent over 1 million condoms to promote safe sex? Thanks for the sleeping bags
[sexting] HER: ok well i think we're done here lol ME: it's bc i used 'betwixt' isn't it? [typing ellipses for a solid minute] HER: yes
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tree Hugger Barbie ...pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric
What do you call the beginning of a porno? Prelude
People keeping New Years resolutions
Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.
KFC and pimps are similar. They both sell breasts and thighs.
Why do whites call it reverse racism? because, only whites are racist.
What's the difference between a Philosophy major and a cashier at KFC? A job application.
Why does Mrs Pepper walk funny Cause Dr Pepper comes in a can.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
This years Olympics in Rio is going to be one of the most steady and relaxing Games in history No one will be Russian.
Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk? That's nuts, right?
A deer walks out of a gay bar... "Wow. I can't believe I just blew sixty bucks!"
What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies? He tribe of pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts.
TIL Doug Liman will be directing an adaptation of the Passion story for 2017, with Matt Damon as Jesus Christ. Bourne is the King of Israel!
A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my balls... Weirdo never showed up.
I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro...
A woman's heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man's balls. Don't break hers and she won't break yours.
Every morning Tom Cruise announces how many Latinos moved into his neighborhood. He calls it the Minority Report.
Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It's called Facebook.
I held an orgy for my sexual dysfunction class last night. Nobody came.
[me holding a door] PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks. ME: sorry, i'm married, but in time you'll get over me.
Why are cpws made for dancing? They're all born hoofers!
Why won't the ocean let us drink its water? Because it's too salty.
If you have Alzheimer's, look on the bright side... ...at least you can hide your own Easter Eggs.
What's the German super hero called? Ale-Man
A man tries to punch a wood chipper He is unarmed.
If I had a dollar If i had a dollar for every time a homeless guy asked me for money, I still wouldn't give him any.
What's Whitney Houston's favourite form of coordination? HAAAAAND EYEEEEEEE!
[Alligator feeding at the zoo] Me: Hey let me do it Keeper: 1st time? M: Heck no *alligator takes me by the arm* I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Me: my fitbit broke Sales Guy: how Me: i put it on my dog's tail and asked him who's a good boy Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Knock knock. - Who's there? - I eat mop. - I eat mop who?
What's the difference between an IRS audit and prison rape? In prison, you have a chance at getting a reach around
There's a reason why we can't hit bitches. That would be animal abuse
I'm my biggest critic. I'm my strongest critic. I'm my tallest critic. I'm my prettiest critic. who's a good critic. yes you. whose a good c
Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea"
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard* ME: no not again *she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt !
Gonna start rapping about women's rights... Call me Feminem.
A gay couple and a lesbian couple Both need to leave quickly. Who gets out first? The gay couple. Their shit's already packed.
What do you call a robot doing the Gangnam Style dance? A Psy-borg.
How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Check their jeans.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics? Sex you up? Licky boom-boom down? No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Me: "Don't piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half." 10yo: "A phone what?"
you know whats great about alzhemiers? nevermind i forget
Why was the fruit/vegetable hybrid upset? He was a melon-cauliflower.
I got stopped in the street today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook."
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say "Clean your plate, people in the US are starving."
If someone obsessed over Japanese culture is a weeaboo... Then is someone obsessed over French culture a ouiaboo?
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I'm not going to jelly my dick in your ass.
Work meeting Boss: it's come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash! Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me
What kind of dog can you milk? A titbull.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
It's a fact that Hitler's mother was a female so you can blame women for the holocaust
There's a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out. She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My tree went missing..... so I took a picture of it and nailed it to a dog.
Obese people are roll models.
What is the holdup on square fruit, scientists?
As a Brit I didn't believe Brexit could be Trumped But it seems that's exactly what's happened :(
What do you get when you cross the CIA and the Republican Party? Shot in the head in Dallas.
What do you call a Jewish beer? A Hebrew
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone "if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person" even if we smile as we say it.
Julius Caesar bought a Google GPS and said, 'Youtube, route us'.
You were all Pluto's not even a planet and now you're watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Why was the mushroom a hit at parties? Because he was a *fungi*
What do you call a fake record player? A phonygraph
My house is the only one on our street with Christmas lights up I guess the rest of the neighbours are a bunch of Jews
Rick Astley Will give you any movie in his Pixar collection except his favorite. He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
You know that feeling of shame, when you put it in the wrong hole? You wonder why it doesn't fit, and when you look down you just get sad. I'm talking about belts, of course. What did you think!?
My wife's new skirt Came home and saw my wife had done some shopping. "Nice skirt," I said. "What are you talking about? I got my hair straightened out."
I'm fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world
I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.
Why do they call it the wonder bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
I recently bought some Koi from Malaysia... That's one flight that made it.
Why was the man at the cookout so happy? He met the grill of his dreams.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snowballs!
I donated $4 to Bernie's campaign I gave someone reddit gold.
I have a ton of leftover horse. It turns out I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.
Why are there so many Female Archaeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
What's the best way to eat a thanksgiving vegetable? Pick her up out of the wheelchair
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first The leaf. The rope stopped the emo
Last night... ...as I was lying in bed, I looked up at the beautiful night sky, the beautiful moon, and the beautiful stars. Then I wondered: where the fuck is my roof?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable
"Alright they've left for vacation lets rob em" Oh shoot their porch lights are on "So what we literally watched them leave" Rules are rules
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If I was a hot chick. I'd open my legs so wide I'd be able to fit all four of my Ferraris in my snatch.
What did one ghost say to another? I'm sorry but I just don't believe in people.
Me: I have Schrodinger like reflexes "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" Me: Yes and No.
Let's all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
People keep accusing me of collecting periodicals... They never specify which magazine my issues are from, they just tell me that I have them.
How did the turtle with no arms and no legs cross the freeway? Here's a hint: take the F out of Free and take the F out of Way
Does anyone else get bothered by that last inch the shower curtain wont cover?
Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
How is called the funeral of an electrical engineer? Grounding
What was the name of the operation to catch Juaquin Guzman? El trapo.
How do Iranians speak on the  telephone? Persian-to-Persian (person-to-person).
Can't afford to get my newspaper delivered by iPad. What is that? $500 every morning?
What do you call a set of computer generated jokes? A comedy subroutine
Why couldn't the hippie be saved from drowning? He was too far out man.
I'm probably moving back to my home country if Trump gets elected. Not by choice either.
What do you call a black woman who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist asshole.
I'm into cryogenics. All the cool kids are doing it.
You know what they call the strategy involving freshmints while playing a game of timed tic tac toe? The tic tac tick tick tic tac toe tactic
The best thing about being a woman is having two stress balls attached to your chest.
Complex numbers are all fun and games.... ....until someone loses an i....
The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.
Life without women... would be a pain in the ass.
What's the difference between KFC and /R/Jokes? What you get served at KFC is original.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
(My romance novel) "You have a pretty face," he said. "Thank you," she said, lifting up her bangs. "I've got even more face under here."
Did you hear about the problem at the Indian bread factory? Turns out it was a naan issue.
"Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?" *Pulls out smart car
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Met a prostitute that will do anything for 100 $ Guess who's writing my take home exam ^^
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she's on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
What's one thing a girl can tell a guy that can make him happy and sad at the same time? Out of all of your friends you have the biggest dick.
What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common? NEED MORE GAINS
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why dont sharks ... Why don't sharks eat black people? They think it's whale shit
China's number 1 brand of Protein? I-Whey-Whey
What idiot called it Canada and not the US of Eh?
Why isn't suntanning an olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep  that's how you wash a cup.
If you have that loud keyboard clicking sound enabled on your iPhone, give me your phone. You don't get a phone.
Do not adopt a snow leopard? i did its ruined the sofa, there is shit all over the house,my arms are in ribbons and now i cant find the dog, i think some charities can be downright irresponsible!
I hate making spelling mistakes. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
What is the worst part about being black? You never know if your gums are bruised.
[At maternity ward] Me: is this where babies are delivered Nurse: Yes Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Why did people hate going on road trips with Kurt Cobain? Because he always called shotgun
It's hard to find a good woman . * Smart * Sexy * Single * Sane Pick three
"Let's see how many people we can trick into thinking we're quarters today!" - nickels
"Good timing, Ke$ha" I say as her song starts playing on the radio and I turn on the vacuum cleaner.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
"ranch goes with everything" i whisper while placing a bottle of ranch in grandma's coffin
Who's the King's best mathematician? Sir Cumference
Why did the crowd riot at the Nickelback concert? Because they didn't get their nickel back.
There is a big difference between "friends" and "Facebook friends"
What does Hitler drink each morning? Some Jews
The longest joke in the world Friend showed me this: http://longestjokeintheworld.com It's definitely worth the patience of not skipping to the end
My dealer said he'll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We're gonna watch a movie!
Commentator just said that the rain "may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation," which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.
Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles  home. Ghost: Why don't you take a train. Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.
Hey babe, are you a Sasquatch? Because I'm a cryptozoologist and I've been looking for you my whole life.
Of course it's you. if it was me I wouldn't even bring it up.
What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac spend his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
What did the /r/science mod say to the user? [removed]
I finally told her those three magical words every woman wish to hear.. I give up!
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody's getting.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper says, "You serve a drink called Irving?"
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Why Does Ariel wear seashells? Because she can't fit into D-shells
Guess which Wraith is a homosexual It's the flaming one
One day Jack was feeling happy.. Happy slapped him.
horsing around I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go into the bedroom and horse around, she said nay. I guess she just wasn't in the mood.
I saved a mans life today. He was choking. So i took my hands off his throat. and said, "dont make me save your life again and use your blinker next time asshole."
Sorry I'm two hours late for work but I was trying to open a Toaster Strudel icing packet with wet hands.
What time does Andy Murray go to bed? Tennish! 
Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks was so wrong. I taught mine how to play dead and she's been doing it for a year straight.
Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon? Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)
Mom told meh to not waist my food She said we were gonna have to 'tighten our belts' around here.
This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.
We should teach North Korea a lesson and send them James Franco.
Phishing Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs... He's always been a lil weezy.
Why was the man intently watching the bowl of snickers? He wanted to see who would have the last laugh. ^^back ^^to ^^work...
Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight & the pointer keeps gliding back & forth between the H & the A. It's been over an hour.
Why do Japanese people squint? Nuclear explosions are bright
I went to the gym today. Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I'm trying to nap.
Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed? Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.
What's the worst thing you can come across while browsing the Internet? Your keyboard.
The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.
If we start referring to the oil spill as a "petrol spill" it sounds like an indie rock band and we can all just do drugs and chill.
Every year I work my ass off to get the kids what they want for Christmas but then That fat bearded bastard gets all the credit. Mind you, It's my fault I married her.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers? A. Because they're not supposed to cross the streams
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Why German Loves Americans why do Germans love Americans? because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
Baby seal So a baby seal walks into a club...
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
Oh... Oh dear... it looks like my grandmother's embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I bought a thesaurus at a store today. Brought it home to find all the pages were blank... I have no words to describe how angry I am
How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he'll get the Mexicans to do it.
Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Anyone have any sex laying around they're not using I could borrow?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything's going to be alright
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don't understand science.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I once had sex with a mermaid I am pretty sure at least. It was dark and she smelled fishy down there.
Leaving someone a voice mail is the new Myspace message.
Doctor Patient 2 Doctor:What happened to you ? PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.
that moment when you and the driver next to you catch each other picking your noses and you both nod like you're in a secret club.
Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. BARTENDER: We dont serve your kind round' here. MUSHROOM: Why not I'm a fun-gai. I'll see my way out, thanks.
Why did the ram run off the cliff? ...He didn't see the ewe turn! .&gt;_&lt;.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut ..
How do you confuse a Jew? Tell him pork is on sale!!!
What's worse than having a screaming child on your hands? Having half a screaming child on your hands.
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
People just said "go to the gym" they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I've been doing this so wrong.
I discovered a joke that no one in r/funny has ever heard ..? The joke is That pirates like the letters C and R
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded
I was sexually assaulted by a ghost. Didn't see it cuming.
Why should you never take a shower with a pokemon? Because it may Pikachu.
I once farted in an Apple Store and everyone got pissed.. It's not my fault they don't have Windows
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
You know what grinds a Germans gear? Nothing, they are too well engineered. Edit: Spelling
A sleazy stripper runs for governor After a controversial ballot, the stripper wins despite never having a lead the whole race. Many people suspect they rigged the erection.
What do you get when you breed a Shih Tzu with a Poodle? A shit poo
I'm 50, and I have the cholesterol of a teenager. It's amazing what you can find on eBay.
What kind of bear is best? One that gets you an oscar
Two penguins are in the shower The first penguin turns to the other and says, "Hey, pass the soap, please." The second one replies, "What do I look like? A typewriter?"
Ellen Page has recently revealed that she is gay. I guess they don't call her Kitty Pryde for nothing,
What do you call the richest person in the soup industry? A boullionaire
Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken
Damn baby, you make me feel like the economic times during Martin Van Buren's Presidency. Hard.
Why does riding in an elevator make ghosts happy? It lifts spirits
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur? *googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
What do you call a gay doctor who went to college in France, married an Irishwoman and practiced medicine in Italy? A Fag
IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar? ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really? ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
Someone asked me if I was more indecisive or anti-climactic. I guess if I had to choose...I'd definitely say I'm one or the other.
Why was Harry Potter surprised when Ferrari won the F1 race? Because he expecto'd Petronas.
You can tell a lot about a person by what they swallow first when a cop pulls um over.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back "This is no time to be superstitious."
If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj
I've never wished death on anyone. It's the absolute *last* thing anyone should have to go through.
It sucks how pizza doesn't grow back.
Why would Adrian Peterson be a great baseball player? Because he's a switch hitter
You know you're old when you see the neighbor's dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.
I'm trying not to get an erection... But it's hard.
What did the comedy club proprietor say to the FedEx guy? The jokes are ok but you need to work on your delivery.
Donald Trump just announced Mike Pence to be his Running Mate. If Hillary wants to one up Trump in that regard, her running mate should be Mike Tuppence.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last very long for fat people
My paper boy is Jamaican... My paper is always late, and it's always rolled nice and tight
Why Don't Lobsters Share? Because they're shellfish.
I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!"
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter he ain't commin
A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar. - comedy removed due to complaints -
My love for you is like an hourglass I always finish on the bottom.
The human body is 90% water, so we're basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
"I stand corrected" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date] Me: "Not to brag but I'm getting Windows 10 for free."
If I had a dollar for every time I ever thought of you, I'd probably start thinking about you.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign "$5 Mustache Rides!" *nobody shows up. I knew I shouldn't have named the damn pony 'mustache'
So sick of hearing how sexy guys with accents are. I've had my Hyundai Accent since '04 & not one girl has complimented it yet.
How to sports: - Take a ball - Put it someplace someone else doesn't want you to put it - Congratulations you've now sportsed
You're like school in the summertime - no class.
What do Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers and James Corden all have in common? Minority Bandleaders. Who says affermative action doesn't work.
We need to stop ISIS. Then we can call them WASWAS.
A cattle truck passed me on the highway He was haulin' ass
I've developed a phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
M-I can't go. My Ewok is sick. H-Gigi that's a stuffed animal. M- H- M-Crap. I think you're right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
A paedophile, a sadist, and a Priest walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.
"How old are you?" Things you say to your third child.
DR DOG: It says you're here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who's been a good boy?
M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai- H: What? M: I saw you pecan! H: No, I wasn- M: You're macadamian me mad. H: You're nuts.
Where others used to bloat facial features or apply some filters to make someone look ugly. I could proudly boast #NoFilter
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Xbox? They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.
What do you call backup milk? *Secondairy*
What do you call a dog with no legs and metal balls? Sparky.
Husband: How about a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world* "When did they put a Starbucks up here?"
What do you call Floyd Mayweather a month before his fight? Floyd Aprilweather
Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to become president? He'd have to move in to a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
A closed mouth keeps it's teeth.
What do you call a waffle that burps too much? A belchin waffle.
Yo momma... Yo momma so stupid she wanted to buy tickets to watch xbox live.
What do they say when you leave an abortion clinic in Germany? Al-fetus-zane
[skywriting] Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won't let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's. And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.
So two stags are walking home from a gay bar. One looks at the other and says "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks back there!"
What did the Korean girl say about anal? Don't go in my thongoh
the hardest part about hitting a child in public... is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.
Religion is like a penis Its okay to have one... But problems arise when to you force it down someones throats.
What do Japanese Cannibals Eat Raw-men
hey i just met you and this is crazy but i'm your mom now you small weak baby
If Apple made cars... ...would they have Windows installed?
It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's
Do you know what the difference is between a white person and a black person that sell drugs? One is a pharmacist and one is a drug dealer!
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare-line!
My friend can only masturbate when he listens to really bad music. Beats off.
The best things in life are free. Like your neighbor's wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they're away, for instance.
I went on a date with a girl who was born without feet. I forgot my wallet and asked if she could foot the bill. There was no second date.
Why do stoners love English? Because it's lit
Why are Americans bad at chess? They lost two towers
I saw my buddy dressed as a bowl of soup... I didn't know if he was friend or pho.
Worrying is so stupid. It's like carrying an umbrella waiting for it to rain.
Two babys at the birth ward... ...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"
When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you're not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.
What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion I cried when I cut up the onion
What do you call an egotistical anorexic? A selfie stick.
The last four digits of you're credit card are: 8905 So, who just got a mini heart attack?
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
Imagine yourself, you just woke-up on the street without pants &amp; underwear, with sperm dripping from your derriere, would you tell anyone? No? So what are you doing next weekend?
I called the Rape Advice Line earlier today. Turns out it's only for victims.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier's counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
I went to a zoo that only had dogs It was a shit zoo.
What do women and condoms have in common? They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!
Why did the dyslexic engineer fail college? Because he didn't understand psychics.
What happens when you turn on a computer? You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language. Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it forgets to use a condom
My waterslide technique has been described as 'oafish', 'dangerous' and 'how did you get into the penguin enclosure'.
Why'd the ISIS fighter bring his son to the execution? Like all fathers, he wanted his son to get ahead.
Comedy is suffering. I just saw on twitter someone posted "When you've got a migraine so bad you can't see straight :c" I've never heard of a migraine making heterosexuals invisible before.
I love how we vote for sheriff. How the hell should I know? "Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest."
I'm so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I'm going to instagram it first. Don't be crazy
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test* cashier: would u like a bag
Polish Ice Hockey tragedy The whole team drowned during spring training
I will force my way into an inside joke and kill the fun before I let two people laugh about something I don't get.
What's with girls having weird names nowadays? I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn't put FIN at the end of Jaws.
There are two things you need to understand to be successful. 1. Never tell anyone everything you know. 2.
I asked my dog if he'd ever heard of Pavlov He said, "I can't say for sure, but the name rings a bell."
A) I don't care who is stalking my twitter B) I don't care who is saying terrible things about me C) I don't care - OH! Free iPad??? *click*
Just ordered a chicken and and an egg off ebay... Will let you know the results soon.
People doubt me when I mention how accepting Canada is towards the LGBT community. But it's Trudeau.
Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don't owe on any student loans.
What invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts
Holmes: "I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?" Watson: "No, shit, Sherlock"
Roses are red... Roses are red, downvotes are blue, speaking of downvotes, here's one for you!
What do you call Kosher ice? Iceberg
People always complain that Jewish people have all the money. Well if 6 million of your people died, you'd expect at least some inheritance
If women ruled the World, there would be no wars... Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.
Why didn't the string get anything for Christmas? Because he was knotty!
One from the 1970's . . . What's uptight, outta sight and in the groove? A tampon.
How did Simba make the Pride Lands great again? He put up a wall
Wife: where's the baby? Me: up on the roof Wife: THE ROOF? Me: relax. He's got sunscreen on
Knock knock Who's there? Olaf. Olaf who? Olaf the other reindeer.
Smokers are humans too Just not for so long
I'm like a cartoon character, not because I'm cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
There are two kinds of people... Those who can't finish other peoples sentences...
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea? "I'm not. that. innocent." *frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
what do you call a cat in a blender? Meow Mix
Why is a racehorse like a letter? They both begin a trip at the post!
Keep calm and text a random number..."I'm pregnant"
What's the difference between a moose and an ant? A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn't have mooselers.
To people calling themselves "Grammar Nazis": you're not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I'm a Nomenclature Nazi.
We need to stop joking on fat people so much. They have enough on their plate already.
Why did the Square divorce the Circle? It was sleeping around.
I need a backspace key for my mouth
My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account. They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.
If somebody at a party tells you they're a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, "DID YOU WRITE THIS?"
What do you call a spitting vampire? Spatula.
I really do not understand lent... ...I'd better give up trying!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bolivia ! Boliva who ? Boliva me I know what I'm talking about !
I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn't even that far away
Two quantum mechanics professors had sex They must have had physical chemistry.
Scooters are like ... fat girls. They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one.
A note to reddit admins 
Hey baby, are you a cloud server? Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
What's a British student's favourite drink? M.I.Tea
When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? - just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings
Whats the diffrence between a cow and 9/11 You cant milk a cow for 12 years. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^sorry
Sometimes at the gym I'll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I'll get my shorts on.
I was going to buy a hairpiece... ... But it was too much toupee.
A midget walks into a bar... The bar was set too low.
What goes eek eek bang? A mouse in a minefield !
I got a new high score today. Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale!
My friend's father is a Jew.... which makes him Jew-ish.
A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments. I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.
Chicken stock has gone up today, but only by a poultry sum.
Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died? At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
Hey Nikon, just a friendly heads-up here... NOBODY gives one single fuck what camera Ashton Kutcher uses.
My friend told me I didn't understand irony Which was ironic considering we were stood at a bus stop at the time.
What STD can you catch from Mayor McCheese? None, but you can get food poisoning.
here lately i've been feeling a void in my life... it's probably nothing.
If Microwaves were people... They would be your one friend who always runs into something or knocks something down when you're trying to sneak into the house at 3 am.
What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? Its asshole.
My transgender uncle is a superhero... We call him Aunt-Man.
What repulsive awful thing can be found in a black persons clothes? The black person.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ~ Will Shriner
What's the difference between a sweatshirt and a jacket? I don't sweatshirt 3 times a day.
Stepped into a spot this morning, where my dog had an accident. Unfortunately for her, taxidermy comes before training in the phone book
Have you seen the prices of Almonds and Cashews? They're nuts.
Why did Aquaman join the DC universe instead of Marvel? Because he was hydra-phobic.
Explain joke What do pigs eat? Mud pies
With soaring gas prices and my abnormally sized feet, I am thinking that I will be Yabba-dabba-dooing it to work this week!
What does a cannibal without a kitchen eat? Raw men
What do you call a female deer that's pickled? A dill doe
Saying no thanks to a CW's offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn't be made before coffee
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss. And now I'm being escorted out of the opticians.
Sports Hockey has the Blues. Football has the Browns. Baseball has the Reds. What does basketball have? l l l l l The Blacks.
My book fell from above and hit me on my head All I can do is blame my shelf
Knock Knock. *Who's There?* A Kid! *A Kid Who?* A kid who cant reach the doorbell.
"Put cheese on it." "It's not-" "Put cheese on it." "Really now, you-" "Everything gets better with cheese on it." "Sir, it's a BROKEN LEG."
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick into your asshole.
I hate songs about how hard it is to be on the road. Stop being a musician if you don't like it. Apply to law school.
The amount of power surging through me after successfully giving a stranger directions can only be described as dangerous
Last Man on Earth star Will Fortes wife just gave birth a a girl.. They named her Kia
Instructions in the Men's Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can't be bothered unless there's an opportunity to learn stuff.
A joke I saw today I found my pet mouse Elvis dead today, he was caught in a trap...
I need help! So my friend is mormon and he always makes mexican jokes to me and I need something to get him back,so jokesters of reddit. Do you know any mormon jokes?
What do you call a phantom by a campfire? A toasty ghosty
Height of complement - Lol Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Folks ask me why I still miss my wife after forty years. Well, I'm human  and that bitch is still pretty quick on her feet.
People who say they're in the best shape of their lives are usually about to die.
What did Jennifer Lawrence say to Julius Caesar? ..."May the Ides be ever in your favor."
My friend told me I'm delusional. I almost fell of my rhino...
Where do football directors go when they are fed  up? The bored room!
Q: who was the world's first carpenter? A: Eve, she made Adam's banana stand!
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a bunch of dead babies? I don't have a Mercedes in my garage.
Teacher: "When was Rome built?" Pupil: "At night." Teacher: "Why did you say that?" Pupil: "Because my dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!"
What were the last words of the explorer who discovered the Boa Constrictor? "Can't...breathe..."
Rick Astley will lend you any movie in his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn't absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.
My ex was just diagnosed as a narcissist Good to see I'm not the only one with low standards.
Yo momma so nasty... that flesh eating bacteria won't even eat her pussy.
I like my wings like I like my Caitlyn Jenners. Boneless.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Always borrow money from a pessimist They never expect it back
I am not a fan of dad jokes. "Hi, Notafanofdadjokes, I'm Dad."
"That's close enough..." ~Government worker
What do you call a Mexican guy with one rubber toe? Roberto
When I was born I was so mad at my parents I didn't talk to them for 2 years
Cannibal kid... ...is walking home, chanting: "I'm hungry, hungry, hungry!" Half an hour later, he leaves the house, chanting: "I'm an orphan, an orphan, an orphan!"
There's an ISIS comedy night coming up... I would go but i'm fairly certain they're all going to bomb.
"If you woke up with your pants at your ankles and your ass covered in vasoline, would you tell anybody?" Guy #2: "No." Guy #1: "Just wondering.... Wanna go camping?"
Teacher: "what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Its OK Sir there's no extra charge!
Wow. Girl 1) Isn't that illegal? Girl 2) Yeah, so is prostitution but I didn't stop your mom. Girl 1) You don't know my mom. Girl 2) Neither did your dad.
So I was watching Fox News the other day
"Life" is like a box of chocolates: they're both food that come in boxes
The last time I refused a beer... I misunderstood the question
If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.
These people are putting up 'Lost Parrot' signs for the sake of their kids, but you'd think they'd place them higher for other birds to see.
Alphabet soup Good for your vowels.
Three guys go to a bar They do pull-ups
Did you hear who just took on the biggest gentrification project in America? Donald J. Trump.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids ME: no wait they do the same thing
Why do seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper makes them sneeze.
Whats the most common work of fiction? The average persons resume
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Didn't will.i.am once say he was going to make a car? well.he.isn't
Why are the sheep in Africa coloured pink? The elephants are using them as tampons
Why do crows fly upside down over Reservations? Cause even they know that indians get enough free shit!
Why do rappers repeat their names in their songs? So they dont forget it.
When I have kids I'm gonna tell them drugs are good for them. It's the only way I can be sure they won't try them.
Other than THAT Ms. Lincoln, how was the play?
I dont care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My girlfriend said I was a pedophile.... I told her "that's an awful big word for a 9 year old".
Because of texting, today's generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!
Why is President Carter important to  Hamburger Land in April? One the opening day of the baseball season he throws out the first meatball!
What did the comedian eat on Easter? Hot cross puns.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano?  A. You can't tuna fish.
Catwoman's full name is Catherine Woman.
This ice creamery has less choices than a black person considering college options in 1954
Sources are saying Geno Smith threw the first punch but it landed a few yards short and was returned for a touchdown.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing The Monkees. I thought she was lying, but then I saw her face...
What did God say to the inventor of the didlo? "If you build it, they will cum."
*walks into hospital carrying baby* "What's your return policy on this thing?"
Tree: Bark Dog: {leaves}
I have really bad hay fever Which means I have an uncontrollable desire to have sex with the straw man from the wizard of Oz
How do you host an amnesia support group on a budget? The moment they show up, tell them the meeting went great and their speech was inspiring.
This subreddit. .
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
What is the difference between a young man and an old man? The young man shampoos his head and soaps his ass, the old man soaps his head and shampoos his ass.
Donald Trump is Anti-Immigration But ironically, if he wins... there will be a lot of Americans immigrating outta the country
It's dumb for me to spend money on porn or sex... ... that's a lot of money wasted on 3 and a half minutes.
I get really bad anxiety when driving over bridges. My therapist says I have truss issues.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra... After three days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
What is the most confusing holiday in Harlem? Father's Day.
What did Star Trek teach millions of kids? To boldly split infinitives!
95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.
Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle.... conversation took a turn.... I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2
My erection lasted for more than 4 hours. I called my doctor, but he didn't seem too impressed, so I showed it to some people at the mall.
My Wife always asks why I make science jokes. Y*_o_* ?
How not to be funny. /r/funny
I got arrested at the airport last week. Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
What has 4 legs, 2 grey and 2 brown? an elephant with diarrhea
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face...
I have been feeling down on my karma lately.. so I bought a horse and named her Karma. Upvotes for me and Karma-horse.
What do you call a dinosaur with herpes? ...a Cankersaurus!
I had a heated argument with my wife last night... Apparently leaving the water heater on got me in hot water.
I'm so lucky that I get to wake up every day and do what I love. (eat)
You'd think that Hip-Hop music would have more bunnies in it, but no.
If your mom still washes your underwear, you're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.
Why did the redditor make the post ? To KILL THE JOKE EXPLAIN BOT that kills every joke. If you don't get the joke that's your problem! We don't need a bot. Fuck you joke bot
Did you know that after this next album, Matisyahu will be retiring? Soon he will be Jah-bless.
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear? White Vans.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
"we're out of bread" "ciabatta be kidding!" [waiter takes out gun] "make another bread pun and ur toast, pal... shit" [i take out my gun]
What fruit/vegetable doesnt leave your body through the anus? A Stomato
I really enjoy my morning expresso... ... it's always esploding with flavour.
What's red with seven dents Snow Whites cherry
Officer: We're building the Death Star as fast as we can. Vader: I have new ways to motivate you. *implements margarita Tuesdays*
A smoke detector is a sophisticated device designed to inform you that your smoke alarm is working. But seriously keep your batteries in it people. If you don't you'll die, maybe.
Penis nicknames My ex-girlfriend nicknamed my penis after her favorite rapper, Biggie. So I nicknamed her boobs after my favourite country band, Rascal Flatts.
What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort? A reservation reservation reservation. Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!
Apparently "cool story, bro" is not an acceptable substitute for "congratulations" when your friend calls and tells you she's pregnant.
Is a brain dead cow a vegetable? My room mate came up with this one earlier, has anyone ever heard it?
So...A man walks into a bar and says... Ouch!
space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time
Why was the man hanging out in the market all day? I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar
My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today He's had the costume on for the last 20 years
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex... Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
What did the Cherokee-Polish couple name their firstborn? Running Stupid
I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.
What do you call an American white guy in a Christmas sweater? A Christmas cracker
Q: What illness are you suffering from if you keep seeing cartoon animals who talk? A: Disney spells.
I just burned 12000 calories I left the pizza in the oven
There are three types of people in the world I hate. Racists, hypocrites and niggers.
The 3 rings of marriage The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
What's the best way to bring out your inner child? A coat hanger
I was down on the dock with some friends and they kept on trying to get me to drink. I reluctantly gave into pier pressure.
How come you never see elephants hiding up trees? Because they are really good at it.
I'm stuck in Christmas mass right now and I need some nsfw religious jokes about Christianity in order to make my dad crack. Have any? Help me, I got dragged to this as vice and now we need jokes.
I got a $100 bill tattooed on my penis.... My girlfriend asked why I did it, and I told her 'well you're always asking for money to blow...'
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My dad's better than your dad... Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.
Why did the pirate update his Macbook? His matey told him he needed an iPatch
What did the muslim man say when he arrived at his resort in Hawaii? Aloha Snackbar!
My Friend is 5'8"... Some people would say he's tall, but I think he's just high.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as "Dad" and he just stood there calling it over and over
When Germans combine words, we get things like "flutter mouse" and "river horse." When the English do it, we get "jorts."
Fat people with lisps... are thick and tired of your insults.
"I like big butts and I can not lie" - Some homeless guy sifting through an ashtray.
I always finish sandwiches because there will already be too many regrets when I die.
NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..
I heard a crazy train engineer in Mexico killed a bunch of people last week. Yeah. He had a loco motive.
A joke from my brother What does Han Solo call a sick Chewbacca? A Chewie
Twitter kidnapped my Tweets. I just posted 2 of them and they disappeared. I hope they're okay and are being treated well wherever they are.
Why are hot pickle buns so popular in polish women's prisons? They're made out of dill dough.
Valve is like a deadbeat dad.... They both do well on creating, but suck at taking care of the offspring.
The Americans are aiding Ukraine in their war against Russia. Their new, revolutionary strategy is to clog the Russians arteries. They call it *Operation* *Dunkin'* *Donetsk*.
Why can't you fight an accountant ? They'll always out number you!
Yo moma so old... in her history class, they just wrote down what they was doing!
Q: How does a blonde kill a worm? A: She burys it.
Why did Elton John have to go to hospital after the Queen concert? They found traces of Mercury in him.
A man went to a meeting for premature ejaculators anonymous but there was no one there, he came to early.
In the Philosophers prison... I shank, therefore you are not
The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.
I was going to go to Psychic School... ...But I couldn't afford the intuition fee.
A termite walks into a bar... And he says, "where is the bartender?"
How to keep a reader in suspense? [removed]
What's the official sports drink of the KKK? White Power-ade
Earth: Goodnight Moon Moon: ... Earth: I said Goodnight Moon' Moon: ... Earth: Look, I don't choose which days they celebrate Moon: Whatever
Have you seen www.boomerang .com? Yes I return to it again and again.
This thanksgiving, Turkey is fighting back
A baby seal walks into a club... That's it. A baby seal walks into a club. o_o
Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
How can you ask a Mexican if their zodiac sign is leo? Julio
I am not a weatherman but... you can expect 20 centimetres tonight
There are two types of people in this world.. People who can stay on track and, oh how I love frosted flakes.
Did you here the joke about the dead guy? Nevermind, it's time has passed.
Dam's biggest dilemma... Dammed if I do, damned if I don't.
Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution? He was sofa king comfortable.
What did one orphan say to another? Robin, get in the batmobile.
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
My pick-up line "Hey girl are you a fallen angel? Because your face looks like it hit concrete."
Why did the boy jump up and down on the letter? He heard that you have to stamp letters or the post office won't send them.
What do fat chicks do in the summer? Stink.
Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list... It's a pretty bad state of affairs
How can you tell if an American has a conceal carry permit? They'll tell you.
I was suddenly awoken with a blowjob this morning That's the last time I fall asleep with my mouth open on the train
My parents told me not to listen to my iPod too loud... It was sound advice.
You know why i hate MCU Thanos? He takes such a long time to cum that he has to use a special fucking glove!! ( get it cuz it's taking him a really long time to get to earth )
I went to a zoo the other day, all they had was a dog... It was a shihtzu. Thanks to Drinking Buddy from Fallout 4 for this knee-slapper.
Why can't you wear shorts in the Ukraine? Chernobyl fallout...
The doctor gave a man six months to live. And when he couldn't pay his bills, he gave him six more.
What do fish smoke? Seaweed!
So, a rapist, a sadist, and a pothead walk into a bar and order a beer... The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive backfield here."
If I owned a moving company, I'd call it 'Van Gogh.'
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg. Classic.
What do fish smoke? Seaweed.
What do you call it when a baby tells you off? A fedis.
What do you call a caveman that goes walkabout? A Meanderthal.
President Obama is walking through the White House... ...when he passes former President Clinton. "Bill!" says Obama, "what's going on? How is Hillary's head?" "Well,' says Bill, "She's no Monica."
Have you heard the one about the witch's broom? It's sweeping the valley.(That one usually floors me, but I'm going to brush it aside before I'm swept away with laughter.)
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
Can somebody please hand me a knife? This fork just isn't cutting it.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.
I was born upside down My nose runs and my feet smell
What came first? The chicken, the egg or millions of years of evolution that are ignored by a stupid fucking idiom.
It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I've never owned a telescope... But it's something I'm thinking of looking into
What if you're a Gift Horse Dentist?
What does a pedophile and McDonald's have in common? They both have meat between 7-year-old buns.
Teacher , How can we keep the school clean Teacher: "How can we keep the school clean?" Student: "By staying home"
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By broom ... JK, rolling
Then an extremely attractive couple walked in, instantly ruining everyone else's good time.
Jam and jelly NSFW Whats the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick into someone's ass!
I don't usually get political on social media but Gildan has no right making t-shirts.
An employee saw his boss fucking a girl inside a car. Employee: "Nice boss, you enjoying alone, when will it be my turn?" Boss: "After the girl"
Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn't the first time you've failed in life.
How do you make beef stew? Tell a cow they're being watched.
Canadian territory puns? Yukon be serious! I'm having Nunavut.
What is the similarity between an airplane and a woman? The cockpit
What's small and got 7 dents in it? Snow White's cherry
How many Alzheimer victims does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side
I have the best proctologist. He's able to massage my shoulders and check my prostate at the same time.
What is posthumous work ? Something written by someone after they are dead !
I was talking to this guy at the gym about push-ups. "How many reps would you usually do?" he asked. "A million," I rep lied.
why did the chicken cross the road because it was stuck to the farmers knob.
My favorite music-related limerick A tutor who taught on the flute, tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot or, to tutor two tooters to toot?"
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler "just be yourself".
Berlin 1945 Ten Soviet soldiers are lining up to rape a German woman. She keeps screaming "Nein!Nein!" So one of them left.
I remember as a child lying in bed and waiting for Santa Claus to come. And how afterwards it would be so silent and awkward as he got dressed to leave.
I told my friend I was gay, then he turned his back on me. That was his first mistake.
You're like school in the summer... No class.
How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea? None according to the Russians.
I wouldn't say I'm superstitious, just a little stitious.
I thought I understood the Saying "When Pigs Fly". but then, the Swine Flu.
Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
It was karaoke night. My friend chose to sing, "We Are Young". He sung it horribly. So I told him, "You're no fun." I'll show myself out.
"Why don't you just tell her how you feel?" "Well, alright." "Girl, I feel with my nerves."
[Joke Request] A great mother's day joke I can write on a card, give to my mom, and take credit for Example: What did the mama buffalo say to her son when he left for college? "Bison"
A cow went to war... But he didn't know what was at steak.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese phone. Wing wing, hallo?
I'm meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he'll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My wife and I were talking about obscure animals. She said, "I want to get a manatee." "That's very generous," I replied, "I take it with two sugars."
Why do they call a bird that lives by the sea, a seagul? Because if it lived by the bay, it would be called a Bagel.
So there was this fish that was swimming along and saw a wall. And said, dam!
TIFU by going to Subway instead of Quiznos Oops, wrong sub
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb shit.
This Ice bucket challenge is old Does anybody else remember when The Titanic nominated everyone on board for it circa 1912
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
What did Einstein say when he was pulled over for speeding? "Speed is relative, officer."
A pencil puts on a hat and turns to another pencil and says, "this hat looks terrible doesn't it?" The other pencil days, "it does, but I don't see your point."
My friends laughed at me when I said "No homo." Now I have to find some other way to scold my boyfriend.
Werner Heisenberg just unveiled a new car... It comes with a GPS or a speedometer, but not both.
My bro and I are building a bar. My step bro and I want to build a bar in Aushwitz to tap an undiscovered tourism market. We want to call it Gin and Jews.
An Indian man was arrested He tried to talk his way out of trouble and kept currying on with the excuses, but the police were having naan of it!
Two drunk Man Two drunks are in a bar. First one: "My wife is an angel" Second one: "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."
I'm not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run! She has a grenade in her mouth!
A pop star who summons ghosts, AKA... Seance
Yo momma's so stupid when she tried to commit suicide, she killed her twin.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog...because it croaks every night
Who's this "moderation" character people keep telling me to drink with?
If people don't wish to discuss the cruel existential futility of all human endeavour they shouldn't say.. ...Good Morning in the first place.
What is a group of porn stars called? A Gaggle.
Why doesn't God like pizza? Because he doesn't exist.
Women say it's unfair that men get more attractive as we get older. It's usually because we hit bottom really hard and bounce back up.
When you don't even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say "now let's try this again."
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I'm getting tired of all the Turkey news Turkey didn't need the Recep and frankly I don't either.
Netflix just asked me "Are you really going to eat that too?"
Why don't they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex? Phone her
Do you know what the difference between pink and purple is? Your grip.
Joakim noah injury It is a shame what happened to him, the amount of injuries this NBA season is to damn high! Edit: was informed his face was always like that.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Having an argument on the internet... ... Is like having a small dick contest. There's no weiner.
See-saws are too tense...
Branson My wife and I went to Branson, Missouri. I think our hotel caters to senior citizens because it had a free incontinental breakfast.
Some of the weirdest looking Jehovah's Witnesses kept knocking on my door last night.
[job interview for garbageman] interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you're hired Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
What do you call a black guy in a cockpit? A pilot, you racist bastard.
I think my penis is sick!!! I was playing with him this morning and he threw-up in my hand.
I just invented a new word: plagiarism
Apparently you can survive just by eating plants. That's something I haven't herbivore.
Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Did you hear about the kiln operator who sucked at his job? He got fired.
What did the chemist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? HeHe
I didn't actually read the article but I did leave it open on my browser for 30 min, so I think I'm qualified to weigh in.
Amazingly, this sentence contains all letters of the alphabet djkquvwxz
What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween? Only two more sleeps till Christmas!
Three guys walk into a bar... They grab a couple of drinks, pay in full and leave like the good people they are.
[Opens "Where's Waldo?" book to page with Eiffel Tower.] "Paris. Easy. Next!"
The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.
A shampoo manufacturer had an accident. ..he suffered injuries to his head and shoulders.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Two scientists walk into a bar... ...one asks for H2O, the other one asks for H2O too, the second one died.
*Gets pulled over by cop* "Papers?" "Scissors" *Cop removes glasses* "Rocks?" *Both start successful trap house*
Ebola You guys need to stop telling Ebola jokes. They only last about a week. (Sorry, I know Ebola is old)
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone? A: He turned into Hillary!
What did the dwarf say to the drunk prostitute?. High hoe, high hoe...
A shocking new report reveals Donald Trump likes to be peed on by members of his new administration He calls it a Goldman shower
What does DNA stand for? the National Dyslexic Association!
I recently met someone who told me that he couldn't smell. I don't think he nose what he's missing out on.
Haikus are easy But sometimes they don't make sense.  Refrigerator.
I have a CW who can't input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don't tell me about your day.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says "prom?" was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Yo mama's so stupid... Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to use the Pythagorean theorem on an isosceles triangle.
What's better than a vase of roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Donald Trump is just like Megyn Kelly during sex. Always on top.
What's the best part about having a hooker die on you? The second hour is free.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
All knives are cutting edge technology. ... Or maybe just cutting technology.
Did you hear about that man who used somebody else's legs? He could never stand up on his own two feet.
Nothing turns me on more than listening to a woman discussing her diet & what she ate today. Except for everything else in the entire world.
If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities
I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world Those who understand binary, and those who don't. And those who didn't expect this joke to be in base 3
I like sex. My wife is pregnant! We are going to have a boy or abortion.
I've got a new job crushing fizzy drinks cans... It's soda pressing [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/6lWz2UD.jpg)
Policeman: I suppose you're going to tell me you weren't speeding. Motorist: I was speeding all right but I was testing you to see if you were paying attention.
Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
I met Greece's finance minister, who was looking for help regarding the situation there. He asked me for my two cents.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I'm just small boned."
Why did the droids take so long to complete the Death Star? Because they had bad motivators... Star Wars fans will get this one...
Someone dumped in the urinal! It was real shitty!
The Energizer Bunny was found dead today from sexual exhaustion His battery was put in backwards and he just kept coming and coming and coming.
Change the last word of your favorite movie title to "Impregnator" e.g. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's **Impregnator** Transformers, Revenge of the **Impregnator**
What does the country of Brazil and tent sex have in common? Camp penis.
I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fucking thing collapsed.
Was watching a comedic celebrity gameshow and the lineup consisted of Freddie Starr, Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, Phil Jupitus, Neil Armstrong and his son. It really was a solar panel.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I was tickling my brothers feet last night... ...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
My wife said "why do you always treat me like a cunt?" I didn't know what to say, so I just put 2 fingers in her mouth and licked her nose.
Customer: "Wait that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again."
what's a resistance pilot's favorite mathematical activity? solving for x wing. what do more advanced resistance pilots do? solve for x and y wing at the same time.
Whats the most obvious feature shared by a leprechaun and a sober Irishman? Neither exist.
A joke I thought of: I don't know if fo' sho' means "for short" or "for shore", but I like to think that people are being overly nautical.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Are you alright? No, you are all left
I came home today to find that all of my lamps had been stolen I was absolutely delighted.
I had the bottom bunk in my college dorm... I was always getting fucked over by my roommate. *I'll see myself out...*
Wearing sunglasses while indoors let's everyone know you have no business making even minor life decisions.
Why do rednecks love fall? Because it's the only time of year they can pump kin.
Psssst. Hey you, Yeah you...Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
What do you call a group of rabbits backing up? A Receding hairline
What's green, slimy and smells like bacon? Kermit the frogs finger (shoutout to Hesher)
[show about dog training] Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with Me: where can i get one of those
You ever hear the joke about the 3 holes in the back yard? Well well well....
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator ha....ha.......I'll be leaving now
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals? A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Gravity falls fans are going to hate me for this... My ex wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
I hate people who take drugs... specifically the DEA and US Customs. Edit: Thanks everyone for the free Internet points. Appreciate it. :)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why won't a black man go see a 3d movie? He'd rather spend his money on a forty
I automatically HATE whoever "declined to be interviewed for this documentary."
This is a bit cruel, but one of my favorites: What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat? The Wheelchair.
How did the blind kid burn the side of his face? He answered the iron
I wanted the day off work today so I phoned my boss to tell him I was sick... He said "You don't sound sick." I said "I'm fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?" Well... I got the day off.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to beat the room for being black.
There are three types of people in the world... those who can count, and those who can't.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Observational humor isn't funny See?
Dollar store light bulbs aren't only inexpensive. They save you money on your heating bill when they burst into flames.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far? We're the best at everything. We even fed our athletes this time.
Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has to eat enough to feed a family of 4 every day. He has to! I just do it because I feel like it.
"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I told the sad ghost ten puns to raise his spirits... No pun intendid.
Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around? Because he could only make 14 point turns.
Never have sex after getting a concussion. It's fucking confusing.
Every single time I go out drinking with unicorns, they use the old "no pockets" excuse to stick me with the bill.
"Like, 2?" - someone in a decision-making position when asked how many outlets a hotel room should have
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids
Stretching before working out is for wussies could someone please call 911?
How do you make a little girl cry even more? You wipe your bloody dick off on her teddy bear.
My Doctor Told Me I'd Have To Stop Masturbating . . . I'm like, "What? I thought it was OK!" He goes, "Yeah, sure, but I'm trying to examine you!"
Really? Wow! (The only two things I ever say to kids)
My wife's got that good at bonsai, we're having to move to a house with a smaller garden.
First Date: "So, tell me something no one else knows about you." Well, my wife thinks I'm at the movies and you think I'm single.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower* Girl: do bad things to me babe Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Why when geese fly in a V formation is one side longer than the other? Because it has more geese in it.
A woman stopped me in the street and asked me how i view lesbian relationships Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer. :/
Boyfriend's on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones. I'm on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Caffeine is like my psycho girlfriend. As long as we're together everything is great, but if I ignore it for one day, it tries to kill me.
I could tell a good gardening joke but it's too dirty.
So a father comes into his sons room.. And asks him: How are you? His son then answers: I'm fine thanks.
I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I took the shell off of my racing snail.... I thought it would make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.
What is red and crawls up your leg? An abortion with homesickness.
People should not move to Canada because of Trump They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.
Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get the Chinese Newspaper. Do you get it? . . . . . . . Me neither, I get the New York Times
What do you call a singer gently swaying from one side to another? A rocking Cher.
What do you call a black man who flies a plane for a living? A pilot you fucking racist!
In life, sometimes it's not good to be very specific. For instance, it's okay to say "I love kids" but it's frowned upon to say "I love 12 year olds."
I just finished deadlifting 1000 pounds off the ground. For you Americans, that's 1275 dollars. It's my most expensive lift to date.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both get to smell it but neither of them can eat it.
An arsonist is hired to burn down a slaughterhouse... The job was well done.
Quest I went on a vision quest. I still ended up at Walmart.
Eastern Pun So I'm in the habit of watching international TV channels when I'm at home. I've noticed that Dubai's networks don't ever broadcast The Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do!
If you don't like the way women drive... ...then get off the sidewalk.
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Mould them into a tire, and call it a GoodYear
When you're done reading this joke please don't show it to any virgins. They won't get it for a long time.
Can I have some orange juice? You: Can I have some orange juice? Other person: sure go ahead. You: Do you have any orange? Other person: what? You: I have jews but i dont have any orange.
What did the mime say to his girlfriend?
German Chinese food is great but it only has one problem. An hour later you're hungry for power.
What happens if you violate Reddit's content policy? [removed]
You know, people are a lot like snow... If you pee on them, they go away!
Why do women get so upset when they miscarry? They just can't come to terms with it
I had a nightmare where Footloose was rebooted as many times as Spiderman.
ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) ...vegetables.
A seal walks into a bar The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Wanna hear a joke? My mute friend told me this one.
I got into a car accident with a midget... He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!" "Well," I replied, "which one are you?"
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
What do you call white people on a bench? The NBA
By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply.
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but first he has to rewire the entire building.
You know what they say about fast typers?[OC] They can make a girl qwert Credit: sumkid (Maria) and I
One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby. I just haven't decided which one yet.
How can you tell if your roommate's gay? His dick tastes like shit
I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
What is an Italian's favorite type of breakfast? *Serie-a*l
The Middle East reminds me of that old joke about the optimist and the pessimist The pessimist says "everything's terrible, it can't get any worse." the optimist says "oh yes it can."
I've heard that pineapple juice makes your semen taste better, so I decided to try it. The semen tasted better, but the juice tasted much worse.
Free hugs* * having me let go will cost $10
I admit I've had sex with over 30 women in my life But it only happened one time.
What do you get when you put an idiot's brain in a female golden retriever? A dumb blonde bitch.
My girlfriend kept saying she'd hit me if I didn't stop singing Haddaway's What is Love.... I said "Baby, don't hurt me"
Why is Shakespeare bad at hunting? because he can't aim steadily
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed* Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses. Me: But- Wife: Everyone. Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Dog Jokes I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
Friend: check out my conscience shell Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear* Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord. Gsus
Prison guard is a pretty good job. Who's going to steal a prison.
What do you call an unusual rabbit? A rare hare.
What's used to calculate binomial coefficients and eaten on Passover? A Paschal Triangle!
If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.
Mexicans and blacks are pretty much the same... once you've heard juan, you've heard jammal
I sleep like a baby... With your mom's tit in my mouth.
How do you know you're always about to have fun in the company of an octopus? Because it's always ten-to-cool time...
Jokes What is a good bee joke
I went on to AA.com looking for help with my drinking problem, but somehow walked away with plane tickets to Oktoberfest.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing *i dance beautifully for 12 minutes* GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Whats the difference between Mashed Potatoes and Pea Soup? Anyone can mash potatoes!
I'm going to a costume party as jesus. What are some good jesus party quotes I can use?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
What is Aladdin's favorite Pokemon? Magikarp. So he can take Jasmine to a Magikarpet Ride.
What did the reverend say before eating his salad? Lettuce Pray.
The neighbours dogs woke me up last night barking loudly. So I threw my shoes out of the window at them and that shut them up. It was a pair of hush puppies.
TIL that .15% of subway sandwiches are made incorrectly on the first try Whoops sorry sir, wrong sub!
"Love me do" is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
What do you call a news anchor with diarrhea? Anderson Pooper
Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms? Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.
Why can't Mexico field a good Olympic team? Because everyone that can run, jump or swim is already here in the US.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to  hurt you"? A: "Trust me."
Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they are happy.
My friends always say that I have narcissistic tendencies. I should get mad... ...but I love when they talk about me.
A lot of comedy today is observational humor You guys ever noticed that?
At work today I noted that it's difficult to see yellow marker on white paper... My Asian coworker said, "Are you trying to say you can't see white and yellow together?"
Knock knock. *Knock knock!* *Who's there?* *The pilot, let me in!*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Are you the enemy of my enemy? Asking for a friend.
What do gay Japanese jocks give each other? Brojobs.
What idiot called them acquaintances instead of bud lights
Thoughts Some think the economy is slowly recovering. Others think it's on the verge of collapse. I think about boobs mostly.
What do you call a dog that can find something that's not there? A Labracadabrador
Did you hear about Disney's new Tick Tock Crock ride? It's killer.
What did the leper tell the prostitute? You can keep the tip
So I was eating out my grandma this morning, and suddenly I tasted horse semen. Then it came to me. "So that's how she died."
My wife said in the morning "You are an idiot"... while combing her hair in front of the mirror when I walked by.
I know some cheesy jokes... But they're not very Gouda, and some have a few holes in them.
I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
What did Abe Lincoln say to the judge when he asked how he pleas? I'm in a cent.
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.
Why was the stoner kicked out of the eating competition? He was caught using performance enhancing drugs.
When do cops blow up and destroy shopping centers and Walmarts? During Black Friday.
It's called "courting" a girl because you're supposed to take them to a basketball court and dunk on them repeatedly I hope
Why can't a Mac sing? Because it's not Adele
why does snoop need an umbrella? for the drizzle.
*sees my stepfather on Xmas* Hey Chip, Feliz Notmydad you piece of shit
Where does a porn addict keep his videos? In his sex drive
What do Asians meeting up at their favorite Chinese take-out say? "Where my dogs at?"
Hey girl are you from Tennessee? Because I was wondering if you'd still be interested in me if I wasn't your cousin
What do a baseball and a Mexican have in common? The harder you hit it the more English you get
Tim: This is Tim from accounting. Me: Hi Tim from accounting. Tim: Just say Tim. Me. Tim. Tim: How are you today? Me: Tim.
You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There's not enough Canadians to make him go viral. Sorry but thems the truth.
The closest I've ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I have an evil masterplan; I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it. Then I will finally be able to conker the World.
"As seen on tv": Get two pieces of crap that don't work for the price of one.
What happens when so-and-so step in the neutrino's urine? He develops LEPTONspirosis.
I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."
A feminist asks "what's your view on lesbians?" I say "420p can't afford platinum."
My friend was talking about how he sleeps when its dark around. So I'd advised him not to join the basketball team.
Earlier today at a coffee shop, I spilled my drink all over the paper I was working on. The barista looked over and said, "Well, essay chai tea happens."
Who the hell decided "have a happy period" was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? "NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME" would have been more relevant.
What kind of bees give milk? Boobies.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Where do sick boats go? The Dock
VALENTINE'S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they're eating dinner.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors? So they can see the battle!
I really want to see "Constipation: The Movie" but it hasn't come out yet.
What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy? The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!
Q. What do a hurricane a tornado and a redneck divorce all have in common?  A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...
My uncles wife is a sex therapist. (Possibly NSFW?) I call her Aunty climax.
You don't see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Why did the otter cross the road? To say "hello from the otter side"
"Everything you say can and will be used against you" should be included in marriage vows.
I always say "I was wondering when you'd find me" when I get in my car. That way if someone's ever in the backseat I'll look cool as shit.
[at bank] *slides teller a note* Teller: Me: T: M: [winks] T: Seriously!? M: uh huh T: M: T: *slides me a lollipop*
You know what was the biggest travesty to come out of the OJ Simpson Murder Trial? It made Kardashian a house-hold name.
What do you call it when Superman craps his pants? Undy-terd.
What's wrong with a broken alphabetizer? It's out of order.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
What do you call a guy who wears two condoms? Justin Case
If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?
"GO SPORTS!" -how I cheer for all sports
You know I would love to show you the toys my elves make for adults.
Have you heard the joke from the kid with short attention-span? He didn't even finish his j---
Who was the first underwater spy? James Pond.
[my work enemy steve reaches in the basket of muffins my wife made] don't do it steve "hey everyone come watch me eat brent's wife's muffin"
The age old question... The age old question, if I paint my car black will it stop working or will it run faster?
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that's really great
Brother: Which is farther away-  NY City or the moon? Sister: NY City. Why do ask? Brother: Well I can  see the moon but I can't see NY City.
Worst thing about having a daughter is... No matter how hard you try you're daughter is gonna have some other man's dick in her mouth.
A blind person, and girl drop into a well Girl says: It's so dark in here, don't you agree? Blind guy: Sigh* Girl: Oh so you're deaf too.
What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work? She drops him off at band practice.
Tacos always smell like love, but love doesn't always smell like tacos.
If two Rednecks get divorced... are they still cousins?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
"Today's special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters..."
The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off.
Relationships are like Algebra... You look at your X and wonder Y.
According to my next door neighbor's diary I have "boundary issues" can you believe that?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.
I was addicted to brake fluid... ...but I know I can stop whenever I want!
Wanna hear my joke about pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesey.
What do a moving bus and a dead vibrator have in common? You can't get off.
Cemetery A priest goes for a walk in the cemetery before breakfast and sees a man crouching by a tombstone. The priest says to the man "Morning!" He replies "No actually, I'm taking a shit!"
Wikileaks has been experiencing financial difficulties recently. Would it help if they began running... classified ads?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people? Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
A few Turks were discussing where to live Turk 1: Shall we live in the coup? Turk 2: err, dogan.
I'll be serving Eggs Benedict on hubcaps for Christmas breakfast. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
I heard that Hillary Clinton is actually made of tofu. She's white, bland, uninspiring and not tasty unless dipped in melty cheese.
I've had blue balls for a week. I need to stop dipping them in ink.
I wore a Seattle Seahawks jersey to my midterm today. I know I shouldn't but ill pass.
Why did the college student change his major from Biology to Physics after his first exam? He needed to see if how fast his grade dropped broke any laws of physics.
Harry potter is the story of a troubled kid.... ...dealing what what an older man did to him in his bedroom as a child.
Even though I don't smoke cigarettes, I exclusively date women who do... I figure if they're willing to suck on something that nasty, they'll suck just about anything.
Entomology. It's Sci-ants.
Jared Fogle began and ended his career the same way... Trying to get into smaller pants
My psychiatrist says I have delusions of sexual superiority She just wants to fuck me.
2 Mexicans got into a fight It was a Juan on Juan
Hey imbecile, just because you are listening to loud music on your iPod, doesn't mean that the rest of the supermarket can't hear you fart
date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA me: date: me: I went to Arby's 7 times yesterday
My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.
Q: What kind of spy hangs out in department stores? A: A counter spy.
what nation do most people not want to be in? urination
Just landed at LaGuardia lol JFK
Every time I say that I'm ready to order in a restaurant what I really mean is that I'm not ready but the panic will help me make a decision
I'm trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
How does a queen get around her kingdom? She gets throne.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge? 5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff...
New study shows women who sleep more have better sex in average. Unfortunately the study was conducted by Bill Cosby, so the results may be a bit skewed.
What did Satan name his new bar? The BeelzebPub
What's Moby Dick's Dad's name? Papa Boner
What do you call a dirty puddle on a slab of cold concrete in dim, gloomy light? A sunny day in Seattle.
I hate eating vegetables... The wheelchair is always getting in the way
Me:I take you are seldom go to the toilet. Scumbag Friend: Why? Me:Because you are full with shit!
"I've looked everywhere" to men is really "I skimmed the floor then opened and shut 3 cabinets"
Why don't girls where skirts in the winter? So they don't get chapped lips.
What do you call a lesbian with huge thumbs? Well-endowed. http://img487.imageshack.us/img487/3628/ellenplaidshirt022ex9.jpg
People say Tinder users are perverts... ...but I think it's fantastic! I met my girlfriend of 18 months on there. I've been seeing her for a couple of weeks now and it's going great.
"Hi, I'm calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist." It's heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It's definitely not a horse.
My tattoos aren't braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them. Unless you're hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I accidentally left the refrigerator open while watching Game of Thrones (SPOILERS EVERTHING)
What do you call a cow that had an abortion.... Decalfeinated. Thank you, I'll show myself out now.
What should you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?? Slow down and maybe use some lube...
What do you call a rape in the military? A flashbang.
On the last day of camp everyone was asked the same question: 'What is the best part of the camp?' One wise guy answered 'Going home!'
Well, today i had a brainfuck Guess i'm not a surgeon anymore
I heard if you fuck a horse... Your back to the future!
Don't forget to stop and Instagram the roses.
Zombies eat brains, right? Then you're good. *NOTE: Heard this from a couple of friends*
Did you hear about the shooting at the school for blind, deaf mutes? It was truly a senseless tragedy.
Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.
What did Sandy say when she came to New York? I come to this great city with great intentions.
Once Upon a Time Is a brilliant series
I don't drink and drive..... I only drink at stop signs and red lights.
Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger with a cabbage? A: Man-eating coleslaw.
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
What nickname did the police give to the new  blonde woman police officer? A fair cop.
Looking into buying a Saturn Ion sedan.. All the reviews I have read have been positive or negative.
What's worse than having ants in your pants? Uncles
Read aloud and quickly: "One smart feller, he felt smart" Freudian slip?
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? mistletoe
What is the name of the bear capitol? Koala Lumpur
My Stephen Hawking book finally arrived from eBay. It's about time.
What's Santas favorite band? Sleigher.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb. None. Californians screw in hot tubs.
Some people just have a way with words... ...and other people ... oh ... not have way.
Why did the trio of Mexicans get arrested? Because they were trespassing!
My girlfriend was voted most likely to succeed And it happened. She sucks my seed every night.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That's how days work."
What's E.T. Short for? Cause he's got small legs......
Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am? Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.
What type of file would you use to make a small hole bigger? PedoPHILE
"Yes, he has a great voice but does he have a family member in the final stages of a terminal illness?" - Reality singing competition shows
why can't you hear michelle pfeiffer in the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
What do you call it when someone is mistaken about you having a penis? A phallusy
What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porn stash? My porn stash isn't enough to get me off anymore.
I set my phone to airplane mode I lost it two weeks ago and everyone has a different opinion on what happened to it
the horse meat scandal during the recent horse meat scandal in the UK they discovered that the Welsh lamb in Asda ( Walmart ) had 2% human dna.
If you're robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
did you hear what the little boy found when he opened his toy box? Raggedy Ann setting on Pinocchio's face screaming,"Lie to me, lie to me."
What happened to the thick yellow liquid that committed a crime? It was taken into custardy.
What's the name of a musical collaboration between Shia LaBeouf and a Judge? A just duet.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The best thing about the airport is how me staring at your tits isn't creepy in your country.
My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.
What's the difference between new cops and old cops? New Cops: Belly with abs. Old Cops: Belly with Fats.
What do your mother and the ground have in common? They are always full of seed.
A geneticist is having sex... During foreplay, the geneticist's partner kept moaning "Aug, aug, AUG!" The geneticist later proclaims, "I don't know where to start!"
Why hello, dear! "trent, did you bring cue cards to read off of during our date?" Lovely weather! "and did you only bring two?" Why hello, d
Why does The Little Mermaid wear seashells? Cuz she grew out of her B shell *im so sorry*
My phone wanted to auto correct, "mos def" to "most definitely." I swear, my phone has absolutely zero swag.
I tried to buy a Christmas tree to put in my shed. I couldn't find one anywhere. They were all non - shed.
Sorry for not ever wearing a shirt but my father was killed in one and I'm not about to make the same mistake.
2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
Disney shouldn't have to post warning signs Don't their gators make a ticking sound as they approach?
Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man "What are you thinking?" Because now I know and I am horrified.
Why do women have babies? Because it hurts and they deserve it
How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. But everyone's got an opinion.
Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"
Is your name Gravity ? Cause you're attractive.
Why would atomic weapons be useless against Turkish rebels? Because roaches can survive nuclear radiation.
Who invented minced meat ? A leper playing the guitar.
What does a bucket of KFC and a whore have in common? After you're done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Lately I've gotten into donkey porn... ...it really gets MEEE OFFFFF!
A teen walks into a girl scout meeting. They're learning how to tie different types of knots. The girl says "Can I join you?" They reply "Can you knot?"
Lazy people fact #4564321564 You were too lazy to read that number.
8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this? Me: that's purely speculation
A Roman walks into a bar Holds up two fingers and says five beers please.
Why shouldn't you be racist? Because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
I don't know what to do with my arms when I'm running, should I fold them?
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy She screamed NO!! I said thats the spirit
I have this thing where I like to take a crap with the door open. Unfortunately, not everyone at Starbucks feels the same way.
What happens when the fog clears in California? UCLA
(NSFW) My first experience with sex was a lot like getting my first car I didn't really want it but my dad gave it to me anyway
Melania Trump doesn't want to live in the same place as her husband. More than half of America feels the same way.
What do you want to be when you graduate high school? "No more than 25" from Gary Muledeer
List of food it's okay to eat with your hands: - corn on the cob - chicken wings - ribs - hamburgers - spaghetti at your in-laws
A friend is in jail and I can't help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes "Let's eat punctuation"
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone. "Recoil", I calmly answered.
Maybe if women would quit playing games they'd worry less about competition
what do asians do when they have an erection? they vote...
I get in this weird mood where I don't want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood Awake'
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.
Doctor Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite!
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
Your turtle puns tortoise family apart
Your password needs to contain a capital letter a number an emoji a plot and a protagonist with some character development and a twist end.
Resolva qualquer problema. E simples... escreva qual o problema e clique em resolver  http://www.splitz.com.br/problem http://www.splitz.com.br/problem
When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land? Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!
[Possible GOT Spoilers] What's Rickon Stark's favourite band? One Direction
Idea: A Transformers movie that can transform into a much better movie.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing... they fast.
Saudi Arabia hates Scooby Doo... But Abu Dhabi Doo!
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS? Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a snail Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They share the same middle name.
Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden? Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we lived twice?
I did a poll on the percentage of EE student that have sex in their life, 2/50 say they have sex. 2 people lied. (its true, they told me after I ask who they have sex with)
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she's the one.
I can honestly say that the "Just Say No!" approach kept me completely drug free throughout my youth. Whenever I saw a group of kids doing drugs and I asked if I could try some, they just said "No!"
"Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" -every trip to the zoo, ever
What do you call a Clinton with no legs? Doesn't matter. She won't come. Edit: oops, wrong type of Bitch.
I wanted to make a joke about black people dads But I don't know any.
What's small, gray, and came in little cans? Michael Jackson.
Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.
A scotsman walks out of a bar It could happen.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics 'cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Add a word to ruin a movie name: 1- Batman begins...School 2- Charlottes web ... cam 3- the birds...pop 4- Jennifer's body...so hot 5- The cousin's...password
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
The American Presidential Campaign is a lot like the new Mac. **There is no escape.**
What do black guys have that's double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman? Their criminal record.
A rusted van sits under a bridge. Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks. Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe. "WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?"
From my 5 year old: Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange Who? Orange you glad I love you? All my awws.
I didn't have a headache until you pulled your pants down.
A man knocked on my door the other day with a beard. No wonder I didn't hear him.
I'm in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!
Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew? All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ash.
My wife is so much better looking than me... ...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries. Credit: Charles Demers
Exasperated dragon on the field of  battle: "Mother said there would be knights like this."
"Mornin' sweetie, for breakfast we have marzipan filled, double layered raspberry pastries. Yum!" "Poptarts, mom. They're called Poptarts."
I just got laid ... off.
There's a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Most doctors agree that drinking a glass of red wine a day is beneficial, since it calms them down before surgery.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly...do you want me to close the door? Me: Do you wanna watch? Nurse: *closes door*
What's the difference between light and hard? I can go to sleep with a light on.
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Why did Bill Cosby go to the gynecologist? He heard they carried rape kits.
What kind of database does a Pokedex use? PokeMongoDB
Why did God have no sense of humor when putting the planets in order? because he didn't want to put Uranus at the end of the solar system
Too bad the dinosaurs didn't have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.
A Nobel prize winner posts to Reddit... (Fart sounds)
Need jokes about bears Help, I need jokes about bears. Can someone come up with any?
When I bought pizza today my hands started to spasm You could say I got Little Seizures.
Have you seen the new Asian cookbook? "How to wok your dog." Credit goes to my friend Steve
Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas? Because it's Boxing Day!
Why did the fly fly ?
What was the best use of the phrase "That's what she said" you've ever heard in person?
Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas this year. Luke: What, How is that possible!? Vader: I felt your presents. Luke: NOOOOOOO
So I'm drinking in a bar... ... And the waitress yells 'help! Does anyone know CPR?!' So I say 'Hell I know the whole alphabet!' So everyone laughs. Except this one guy.
What's black on top and white at the bottom? Rape.
I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves.... Free.
What do the chronically late have in common with sex traffickers? They both "run behind".
I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on
San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event. But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.
50% of analysis is... anal.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I'm gonna call for help is a plumber.
What kind of limes open doors? Key limes.
If a circle had a football team... ...It would have no corners.
bill cosby's full name is "bill sinby over tanby"
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
There is only one sport in which I can get a high score. It's golf.
I made a joke about candy today... ... it made me snicker
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors? He had a reptile-dysfunction.
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do... We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
I invented a new word yesterday Plagiarism
What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bail
Two Centaurs Two centaurs are playing rough and things getting heated. Are they man-handling each other or just horsing around?
Do you know why... ...they bury lawyers 10 feet under, instead of the usual 6 feet under? Because "deep down" they're good people.
What do you call five black man having sex? A threesome.
What is it called when a duck kills another duck? Quack on quack crime.
What's Emperor Palpatine's favorite kind of cheese? "Gouda, gouda..."
Why do politicians wear neckties? To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles.
My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
A hipster just darted in front of me in traffic. I almost didn't see him because he was so ironic.
I was trying to think of a joke about Vietnam.... but then I realized people might find tet offensive.
I like my Jews... ...the way I like my coffee. Roasted.
Sometimes when I'm sitting in a swivel chair, I'll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I'm in the opening credits of a sitcom
I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait sorry, that didn't come out right : I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Joe: Hey Barack, why does Trump wanna ban preshredded cheese Barack: Joe please Joe: TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN Barack: I swear to God
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say "Mommy steals credit cards" when they're in a checkout line.
I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?" I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"
My GF likes it in the butt. She's an anal moll.
If vaginas could only talk! Oh what a story men would still not listen to.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively
The Pope is elevating Pete Carrol! He's the only person that can make 20,000,000 people shout out JESUS CHRIST in unison!
Q: Why did god give blonde's 2 more brain cells than he gave cows? A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you played with their tits.
Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1...... ...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters. Read online on a comment. LOL
A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself" So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"
Last night I dreamt I was a vacuum, it really sucked.
Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn't Asian
My wife says I should be a bull rider... Since I'm lucky to last 8 seconds...
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid's Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don't have candy in them.
Why did the WTC get hit by Terrorist? They didn't get hit by Terrorists.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
You know what is the most hated letter in alphabet? U. Fuck U.
Wanna hear a funny joke? Womens rights.
Why did the rock band get in serious treble? They failed on a consistent bassist.
How is a thief like a thermometer on a hot day? They are both up to something.
"You're either going to love me or hate me." - someone you will definitely hate
Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel. This is for the Christmas period only.
Why do some blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because there are blond guys too.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh 10 tickles
People with eyebrow, nose, and lip piercings always look like they landed face-first into a tackle box.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife's idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
A recent study states that one of women's most common turnoffs on the first date is when men keep answering their phones. Especially when it's their wife on the line.
At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.
What's the difference between a moan and a scream? About 3 inches
What did the Navy battleship captain say to his first mate during a skirmish? [OC] I think I'm feeling C6
I wanted sleeve tattoos but keep it 'professional'. So now when I'm naked, it looks like I'm wearing a Brooks Brothers shirt with nipples.
What's the best hour to book a dental appointment? Tooth hurty.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. ... ... I now have $999,999.75
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
What's the best month for dating? Sep-tinder!
Not saying there is a direct correlation between Trump's election... But the Chinese did say this would be the year of the Cock ages ago!
What do you call a man with a blood-covered axe with necklaces made of fingers running towards you? Why the fuck are you still thinking what to call him? Run and get the cops!
Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked.. ...but that's rare.
Have you heard of the new crime drama involving a rich dinner party? It's called Law and Hors D'oeuvres.
What's long, hard, and has cum in it? ... a cuCUMber.
What do you call an amorous vampire? A neck-romancer
I'm so faithful, I don't even have a girlfriend and I STILL don't sleep with other women!
Donald Trump isn't the candidate the Republicans need, he's the candidate they deserve. (as punishment for all the stuff they've done over the last eight years)
Do you know who has the most home runs in MLB history? Barry Bonds... Do you know who leads the MLB in strikeouts pitched? Nolan Ryan... Do you know who has been hit by the most balls? Liberaci
Why did I spill root beer on a DNS server? Just because ICANN.
When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it's because they don't have Oreos to go with the milk.
When she found the ring in the spaghetti she said yes, but the more rings she found the madder she got, and eventually she changed her mind.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I installed IOS 9 Beta. And it shot up my school.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give  in? A: "Have another beer."
My son donates his hair to charity & people are all, "Sweet." I donate the people in my basement's & people are all, "We have a warrant!"
Him "You run like a gazelle." Me "I'm graceful?" Him "No. You'd be easy prey for a mountain lion."
Why did the stoplight turn red? Well, wouldn't you turn red if you were caught changing in the middle of the street?
What do you a Mars with water? Wars
Why aren't there many women on death row? Ladies first.
Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you'll be deaf by the time you're 20 Me: What
Just overheard a young boy tell his friend this joke What do you call a corn dog with no legs? A *corn dog*, stupid! Corn dogs don't have legs!
Knock knock? Who's there? 9/11 Knock knock? Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you would never forget... :(
Now that Platini has been banned from football... Who's going to make all the sticker albums?
What's another name for dick pics? Junk mail!
In America child protection saves your kids from your beating In Soviet Russia child protection beats your kids
When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision You've gotta sleep on it.
How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?
A girl I know got collagen injections in her butt. Now she looks like a smuggler's desk. She's got a false bottom in her drawers. Just thought of that one today.
I came up with this at 3 am, For short joke lovers. Penis, meet hand Hand, meet penis. Now shake hands.
TIFU by giving someone the wrong sandwich at a deli Whoops, wrong sub
Vin Diesel's full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
What's a Dungeons and Dragons player's favorite rap group? D12
I like my beer how I like my violence.. Domestic
[1st date] Me: don't let him know you're a lobster Him: we should check out my hot-tub later Me: 'yeah...sure' *nervously clicks claws*
With what did the scuba-diver use to cut seaweed? A sea-saw
This is an emergency! *Begs to borrow strangers phone *starts scrolling through pics
Wait come back, I didn't mean it when I was just being myself
I think always mixing up vocabulary words in school hurt my career options. Because I always wanted to be an archipelago just like "Indiana Jones"!
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop". 
What is it called when you crack an egg and two yolks come out? An anomalette
I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment I did it once and killed a cyclist.
What do you call a fish that makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather. (_)
Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.
I like most ancient cities... But I Constantinople.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.
What's the difference between feminists and sumo wrestlers Sumo wrestlers shave their legs
Bluegrass music It's finger pickin' good!
Nine years ago today 19 men came to my doorstep expecting 72 virgins. Little did they know how fucked they were going to be.
where did alice go during the explosion? everywhere
Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Friend: That's OK. I don't mind M: The mess tho F: Don't be silly M: I don't want u in my house
I was walking down the street one day and saw a young black man carrying a bike... And thought to myself "is that mine?" Then I remembered no. Mine's at home doing the dishes.
Sharks don't like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Fuck. My iPhone added a g to "sayin'" and now my black friends think I'm lame.
Why are brides so happy on their wedding days? No more blowjobs.
"Mom, I hate the word, 'Hemorrhoid'. It's like a weird planet. Hi,I'm Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!" -my 12yr old
Breadmakers Always looking to prove something.
What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around while I go on ahead. Credit goes to a Laffy Taffy wrapper from some years ago.
How does a Mexican cut their pizza? Little Caesars
Almonds on the tree; Amonds off the tree cause to get them off the tree you hafta shake the "L" out of them!
Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030... ...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
What family history website do rednecks use? Incestry.com
Having gay parents must be horrible You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
I am watching silence of the lambs for the first time and... I am **eating** this movie up.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder? He made a spectacle out of himself.
I play a song, nobody likes it. One week later, every cunt likes it.
Why are cowgirls Bowlegged? Because Cowboys eat with their Hats on.
What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them.
I love dying from sneezing 11 times in a row and being defibrillated back to life with a 12th
Person: "I hate geology puns." Me: "My sediments exactly."
Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream.
TIL there are 45000 breatharians in the U.S. 44999, # 44998...
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
A Jew, a Catholic and a colored boy go the heaven. Does anyone know the rest of this joke? Judge Schmels was telling it to the Bishop in caddyshack. And never told the punch line.
A LAWYER AND A POLITICIAN What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.
Tequila is just the grown up version of choose your own adventure books.
A skeleton walks into a bar And orders a beer and a mop.
If you don't eat your candy corn in three separate bites starting from the big yellow end to the small white end, you're a communist.
I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
Black Jews Whats the worst part of being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven
Whenever I feel a conversation is becoming dull, I start talking about sunscreen... because it's topical.
Q: On a scale from 1 to 10, what is your favorite color in the english alphabet? A: Yes
Where did the dog find her husband? At the Groomers!
[God Creating Raccoons] God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Whats the most important aspect of gun safety to practice around a feminist? Trigger discipline
What rhymes with Orange? No it doesn't.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
What's the difference between a woman and bacon....? You can't beat bacon....!
In biology they ask us what we find in cells Apparently black people wasn't the right answer. I'll see myself out.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I've been holding this door open for 3 days. Send help.
Don't ever ask me about the time my anus prolapsed. Its a long ass story.
What do they call a rant in Australia? A Fuck-filled Platitude
What do you call someone who knows a lot about sea life? An Afishionado You're welcome!
How many points do you get if you hit a golfer? Fore.
I really want to make a period joke. But it's just not that time of the month for me
What does a widow say when she wakes up? Mourning
What did the blind man say when he walked passed the fish aisle in the supermarket? Good morning, ladies.
What do you call someone who sells sex in exchange for spaghetti? A pastatute.
just unrolled my burrito & now I'm having pizza
Why is the fridge shaking so much? It's running just fine. Probrably because it's so turned on!
How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends on how clumsy you are. *There, I've killed it. Move on /r/jokes, move on.*
Your Honor, I would like to cite the legal precedent of Mothra v Godzilla.
I'm not saying she's fat, she's just easy to see.
My Wife's Accident The police knocked on my door last night, "It looks like your wife has been in an accident," said one officer. "I know," I replied, "but she's good with the kids."
Why is Germany uninhabitable for cats? They have nein lives!
"just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant" IT dude: "ok here's your new mouse" [just fkn destroys the place]
I have some frilly pants. They are never on time. It's OK, though... They're late bloomers
When idiots talk to me, I just imagine they're saying, 'I'm an idiot,' over and over. Makes it easier to nod in agreement and not get cross.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke-her-face!
What sound does a grape make when you step on it? Just a little wine
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.
What do you call a shirt you hate? *Cloathed*
*Texts* Can I come over bae? I need you. <3 *Gets reply text* DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I'M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Probably the most valuable life lesson I've learned from a movie is to not steal black girls' cheer routines.
Coming soon to the USA... #Mexit
I bet when scientists throw office parties, there's always the one guy who gets drunk and carbon dates his own butt.
Claustrophobic people are more productive... Thinking outside the box.
Why Does The Bride Wear White? So That The Dishwasher Matches The Fridge.
I scream, You scream, We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Guy tells his doctor "Every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection." Doc says " That's because you look like a pussy"
My wife said that our son feels neglected. I didn't even know we had a son.
Why did the Weimar Republic ban balloons? Because of the Hyperinflation.
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny... They just don't work.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
Why couldn't Donald Trump be a successful song writer? Because every good song has a bridge, not a wall.
[Jail] INMATE: I killed a guy. SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I'm a bit worried. I was checking my testicles this morning, and I noticed that one of them... ...is considerably larger than the other two.
What do you call a man who's on fire? Bernie.
I was born short Thankfully I grew out of that phase.
Which of the twelve knights built King Arthur's round table? Sir cumference
Why was Obama so disappointed when he went to a screening of The Men Who Stare At Goats Being a Muslim, he thought there would be more romance.
Probably the hardest part of being an adult is trying to come up with excuses to tell your friends about why you go to bed so early.
Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the crap out of the room for being black.
CROSS THE ROAD... MONKEY Q: Why did the monkey cross the road? A: So he could get spanked.
What does Michael Bolton say when he walks into an elevator? "This place rocks!"
I named my penis pony... ..because it's the smaller version of what you really wanted and you only get a ride if you're under 12.
What's got two legs and bleeds? half a dog [Derek, s01e05]
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD! Mr. Potato Head: What? Mrs. PH: Your browser history. Mr. PH: I can explain! Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Reddit's attention span
Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself? He was already suspended.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
What do you call a female clown? April Fools
Why is God depressed? Imagine...*You* Being God, the Lord, Him... But imagine us.
A star walks into a black hole... ... but it doesn't seem phazed. The black hole turns to the star and says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."
Two blondes are sitting on a park bench Suddenly one sniffs the air and exclaims, "I smell a cock!" "Sorry," says the other. "I farted."
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
What did Luke Skywalker say to his sister's bully? Don't you Leia finger on her
I like my women like I like my coffee So hot I fill them with creme in 3 seconds
Hello? Fred's Restaurant. Hello! I'd like to know do you serve crabs? We serve anyone sir! Come on in!
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I work at a coin factory. It just makes cents to me.
Did you hear about the patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country? He joined the Marine Corpse.
When I was 12 years old, my Dad approached me and said "Son, do you know anything about sex?"... I said "Sure Dad, what do you wanna know?"
Are you today's date? Cause you're 10/10.
Be careful never to let a blonde have a coffee break... It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!
The inventor of the air conditioner has died Thousands of fans are attending his funeral
My dad said "Do your chemistry homework, okay?" Potassium
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that's why.
Who should you pray to if you don't want the airplane that you are on to get diverted? Diversion Mary
Agreeable Caesar He came, he saw, and he concurred.
What do you call an Arab flying a plane? A pilot
knock knock joke knock knock. Who's there? Barbie. Barbie who? BBQ chicken
Why did the lonely man work on his days off? (X-post /r/dadjokes) He loved the company.
Some Warning Labels are a little retarded, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!
Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it.... [credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]
Why are there windows on the back of French Tanks? So they can watch the battle.
Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I'll give you sudo access.
Why did the librarian hush the mime? Because actions speak louder than words.
What is the common trait between men and snow? You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.
Why did the Energizer Bunny go to prison? He was charged with battery.
My patient was refused his organ transplant. But I didn't have the heart to tell him.
A sadist walks up to a masochist... The masochist says "hurt me". The sadist says "no".
Tom Brady suspension increased to 8 weeks Additional 4 weeks for deflating the bench with his ass.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Salmon
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
My friend said Obama is the coolest president ever... ... Nah, Zachary Taylor was the illest.
A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship. (I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)
Whats 12 inches long and drives women crazy? [NSFW] A still born...
I wore my golf socks today There's a hole in one
What is the worst part about going to Auschwitz? Your dreams are not the only thing going up in smokes.
What's it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
A guy goes the video store... - Excuse me, could I rent Batman Forever? - Sorry but you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. :(
My wives going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as a Rastafarian. She wants me to do her hair. I'm dreading it!
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
One day,the boy touched the girl's hand.The next day, the girl touched the boy's hand. What a touching story..
You know you're good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did
What do you call a trumpet on a leash? A trumPET *Edit Also why is this Marked Politics?
I have a few jokes about unemployed people... But none of them work.
Q: Why do ducks have flat webbed feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.
What's he difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa goes *down* the chimney.
"I have something I'd like to get off my chest." - Guy with three nipples
What do you call an electro-food? (it's giga-bite!) yeah it was giga bite yeah you're right yeah giga bite that was it giga bite it!!
What does the hungry monster get after he's  eaten too much ice cream? More ice cream!
Thirty days sober folks. Not consecutively, but here and there over the years. I'm estimating.
What do you call a baby born feet first? a c-section.
The first rule of tautology club ... is the first rule of tautology club
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today That's six years in a row now
What do you call a radio host with a broken leg? Maggie *Limpton* ~~Most people probably won't get this, but eh.~~
Q: What is your least favorite force of nature? A: Gravity. It's always bringing me down.
What does a blonde do when her computer freezes? She puts in in the microwave.
Because im a bad ass! Why did I put the punchline up there?
What does someone have if they laugh at other people's eyes? Aqueous humour.
My wife's cooking is so bad We say our prayers after the food
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Why did Microsoft name their new operating system Windows 10? Because Windows 7 8 9!
You're trapped in a room with a tiger a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What  should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
I just fucked up instant oatmeal like some kind of husband in a commercial.
What does a whistle-blower do during a Russian blizzard? Nothing, he's Snowden.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Yawning Is our body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining
What did the Chinese government say about the air pollution? Suck it up!
What does a feminist get when she can't afford a punching bag? A boyfriend.
What do they call Independence Day in France? A Royale-free with cheese! (Happy [Bastille Day](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastille_Day)!)
Yo Mama is so fat She provides shelter to the people in Nepal
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he's 47
 I don't do different things... It's just that I do things differently!
[NSFW] Why is it so hard for a prostitute to pee in the morning? You ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
"We never talk anymore." "I know. It's amazing!"
Being a racist zebra seems difficult.
911: what's your emergency? me: what's YOUR emergency? 911: *starts crying* omg no one's ever asked me that before! me: jk I've been stabbed
They don't have blood banks in England ... ... but they do have a liver pool.
So an Irish guy walks out of a bar (Pause for effect)
Sometimes I just get tired of my new neighbors that I just want to strap a dildo on my head and anally rape them like a unicorn.
What type of knot do you tie in space? An astronaut.
I left three Cleveland Browns tickets on my windshield before yesterday's game. I came back and there were nine.
How do you clean a condom? Turn it inside-out and shake the fuck out of it.
What do you get when you mix T and C? Angry British people!
Why did the girl sit on her watch? She wanted to be on time.
[NSFW] If abortion is a kill..... If abortion is a kill then jerking off is a massacre
i just sighed so hard that i blew out a candle that was 2 feet away from me. tragic.
Why did the chicken cross the road? He just made it across and his buddy was like BAACk BAACK.
Rene Descartes is chilling with his girlfriend. She asks: "What are you thinking of?" He says: "Nothing." and disappears.
I if I had a Gender for every... World war
Playing play doh w/ 3 is just her ordering me to "make elephant! Now teapot!" As if I have the artistic ability to create more than a ball.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm sponsoring this new group that teaches underprivileged children about basic math terms Upvote for divisibility
Can a dinosaur tell a joke? You bet jur-ass-ic can!
How does a south central chicken cross the road? ... In a bucket
Had to remove the seconds hand from my watch.. was really starting to tick me off
You'd think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would've been up for a performance review by now.
What do you call a room full of comatose people? A salad.
Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump are on a ship when a rogue wave causes it to capsize. Who survives? America
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
How do you stop a ginger from drowning? Take your foot off the back of his head.
Hm. Not sure whether to scold my son for chasing the cat or thank the cat for excersizing my son...
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Why is C afraid of D? Because DEEZ NUTS!
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I'd be grounded.
What do you call playing a woodwind instrument and eating fast food while driving an f1 car? A McClarenet.
BAD LAWYER Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator.
Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
I often wish I could go back to a simpler time when I wasn't so nostalgic.
did you get the job? "i don't know yet" when will they tell you? interviewer: "keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception"
Midwife: It's a boy, ma'am. Mrs Dickens: Edward. Edward's a nice name, isn't it, dear? Dickens: LET'S CALL HIM OPPROBRIOUS FRILLYBOCKER
I'd like to tell you guys another dick joke but nah, it's too long
Why do women get periods? Because they deserve it
If Memes Were Horses 4chan would give birth to it. Reddit would kill it. 9Gag would hump its dead body. Facebook would dig up its corpse and attempt to turn its remains into Frankenstein.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke But I know I won't get a reaction
Did you like www.flower.com? Not at first....but it grew on me!
How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle? By tying a knot on its tail.
My family's going to be here soon. Quick, hide my body.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
New frightening study released statistic that as much as 25% of Women are diagnosed clinically insane Especially frightening because that means there is 75% walking around undiagnosed
Help is a magic word. Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
It's a shame the Parisian Christmas Buttplug was destroyed... It fitted in so well.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? [drinks milk from carton] Or REALLY bad boys? [eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Why do mice have small balls? Not many of them know how to dance.
Finally had sex in a hall of mirrors I was fucking beside myself!
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
They say you should warm up before you exercise. Sounds like a stretch to me.
I just ate a breakfast of champions. There's. Blood. EVERYWHERE.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed 6 hrs: Feeling fine 4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression 2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
2 prostitutes are standing on a corner One looks to the other and says "you ever been picked up by the fuzz" The other says "No, but I have been swung around by the tits"
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
What do you call an ant from overseas ? Impartant
I've fallen in love with the internet. It was love at first site..
NSFW:Got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on." I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg." Originally from r/meanjokes
A gang, with one of the members being called Gus, offers a group of cannibals a fight The leader of the cannibals says, "Alright then, we'll have your *Gus for garters*!"
If you're unattractive, nobody wants to know that you're horny.
I find the f1 key really attractive. I think I need help.
What is the difference between sex and LEGO? If you don't know you should stick to the LEGO!!
Knock Knock Who's there ? Curly ! Curly who ? Curly Q !
I'm so horny... I going to beat my dick like it owed me money
Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.
It's impressive how within three minutes of crawling into bed your brain can remind you of 23,472 things going wrong with your life.
An Irishman walks past a bar
What did the police man say when he arrested the remote control that beat up his wife? 'I charge you with battery'
What do you call it when you cover your penis in postage stamps? Junk mail. (Credit to one if my FB friends)
What did Helen Keller's friend say to her? (offensive) You should try blind dating.
I can't date fat women anymore... I just found out I'm lactose intolerant. Note: I just heard this from some landscapers as I walked my dog.
Today I've been cancer free for 19 years.. And it's also my 19th birthday, what a coincidence!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you're raising a child now.
ME: You're saying I'm not smart enough for this job? BOSS: Well, yes. ME: [points to computer] Just because I can't use the typewriter TV?
Why did the ant-elope ? Nobody gnu !
Apple Watch now comes with a new app... It estimates how long you will have to wait in line for the Apple Watch 2.0.
I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien... It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".
What did the cat say when he lost all his money  ? I'm paw !
My son can now reach the light switches so don't come over my house unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The shit stains in my toilet are so peaceful I just can't piss them off.
What are the most common mistakes your ______ makes in bed?
hey baby. ever been with a man who uses the basket instead of a grocery cart. Im basically bicep curling these chickpeas haha its easy to me
NSFW What's one thing a woman wishes her husband had after childbirth? A fatter penis.
I'd rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Some people dont appreciate a good joke. When I say knock knock, youre supposed to say "who's there?" not "im taking a shit, who are you?!"
Stop making jokes about gay porn! Come on guys! *edit* Here's one more joke I'm fucking serious guys!
Q: How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? A: With a pumpkin patch.
Showed up late for work and blamed it on rush hour. Showed up late again the next day and blamed it on rush hour 2.
Where do terrorists like to go for a drink? The Allahu Ak Bar
What do you call a jewish man? By his name
Two birds flying through the air... Flugen zwei Vogel durch die Luft. Sagt eine zum anderen, "Vorsicht" da kommt ein Hub-schrau-schrau-schrrau
President Obama is doubling down on fighting global warming He's already sent three battalions of Marines to invade the Sun.
[interview for fireman] "So why do you think you're a good fireman?" I lit the building on fire "What?" Now watch as I try to put it out
"Hey, checkout my butthole." - Cats.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
Get your shit together,... or you will die, Aria.
I had a few jokes about unemployed people... But none of them work
You and I share a very special connection. *I'm parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
how many Pittsburgh Steelers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just talk about how good the last six were
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS GUYS!! I hope I'm not too late. Uploaded with Internet Explorer .
My brother was recently diagnosed with an eating disorder called pica, which means he eats non-nutritive substances... When I beat him at Jenga the other day, he literally shit bricks.
What did the frog with the speech impediment say? "Thibbit"
What does a black man do after sex? 15 years to life
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit? Can't- elope!
Actor who had starred in almost every movie. Also Starring
What do you call immigrants in Sweden? Swede-ish
they say if you love something let it go but tell that to my dead husband I dropped into a volcano from this helicopter and he'd disagree
What's even worse than five dead babies in a dustbin? One dead baby in five dustbins.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
RISE &amp; SHINE ** Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!**
My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette. Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
A server asked the manager whether she should give a fork or spoon with the customer's mashed potatoes. The manager said "Personally, I don't give a fork."
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I'm speaking with say things I like I'll stick one on their forehead.
There I was, waiting to pay for my landscaping materials, when suddenly... ...I was charged for aggregated basalt.
Why was Piglet in the bathroom? He was looking for Pooh.
You might want to read all of my tweets... so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they would be called baygulls. My dad loves this joke.
I got into an argument with my friend and he said, "Yeah, well my dad can beat up your dad!" I'm sick of these dad hominem attacks.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy [meeting her parents] ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Old people always poke me at weddings and say "you're next." I do the same thing to them at funerals
Ever made love under a mirrored ceiling? I could see myself doing that.
a girl told me "ppl dont look at the sky anymor" so i walked around looking up & it was beautiful & i bumped right into a kid lookin at bugs
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It's odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I'm really looking forward to the next stop on my Mediterranean cruise. The captain said we're just a few clicks out from Harem Bay.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... ...so I went out and got drunk.
why was the chicken population so large? because it grew **eggs**ponentially
Had sex with a condom tonight. Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Not all men are stupid... Some are still single.
What's the difference between a toilet and a drummer? A toilet only has to deal with shit from one asshole at a time.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now...
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
How do you say dinner in spanish? JOHN CENA
I have an L shaped couch... lower case.
My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs. Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?
What's the worst part of an NFL wedding? Getting hit by Rice
Did you hear about the blonde identical twins? They couldn't tell each other apart.
i'm the human version of samwise gamgee, can't destroy the ring but make sure it gets home so someone else can
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink. Then I get kicked out.
Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
What's the difference between golfers and skydivers? Golfers: *smack* Shit! Skydivers: Shit! *smack*
I tried to sign up to a website yesterday. I put in the password 'beefstew' But it said the password wasn't stroganoff.
I tickled my little brothers foot this morning. And my mom went crazy about it. Something about "Waiting until he's born".
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama's a Muslim
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump's mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what's inside.
Hey, man. You used no capital letters and only one exclamation point to wish me happy birthday on Facebook. Is everything okay at home?
Tear drop tattoos should only be for people with a lazy eye so we know which one to look at.
Joke that will piss off any feminists how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None that's a man's job.
Why are programmers so consumeristic? Because they're object oriented.
I used to think my drawings made me autistic... it turns out my Grandma was just from Boston.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
If you've seen one lion attack you've seen a maul
If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to shit yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
All food I purchase should read: "Serving Size: Probably This Entire Box In Less Than An Hour, You Fat Fuck."
Porn gives unrealistic expectations. The plumber took his usual 60 per hour, even though I sucked his cock.
Bacon: Toast, great tan! Eggs: Ham, you smell good! Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too! Toast: Bacon, you're awesome bro! -complementary breakfast
Why do they say all minorities look the same? Because once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamaul.
What do Iron Man's giggles sound like when he's sucking on a helium balloon? He fe he fe he fe.
You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
The lead drummer of my marching band is such an asshole. So I pounded him. Let me just say that the re-percussions I faced weren't very nice.
What is the number 1 pickup line at a gay bar? May I push your stool in?
I was going to view the front page But I had already reddit
They Call this a condition... LOL Binge Eating Disorder. http://www.bingeeatingdisorder.com/
A blind person places hand over a grater "Who wrote this crap?"
What is the difference between a feminist and a machist? The second lacks the hypocrisy of the first.
A horse who got its face blown off in a war walks into a bar Bartender goes "why the long...oh". What a dick.
How do you piss off a transgender? I'm sure the title will be enough to do it.
Happy bring your plane to work day everyone! Hope you have guys have a blast!
two ants are fighting on a toilet seat One of them gets pissed off.
Uh oh, someone is heading this way and it looks like they want to talk to me *flops to the ground like a toy in Toy Story*
Reddit is like a brand new, shiny penny... It's fun to look at but completely worthless
Reddit right now [deleted]
They say when a Japanese girl is really turned on... The pixels will align.
[Arby's] BRO [jumping into car]: GO ME: it's lunch, not a bank heist B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag M: OMG I'm too pretty for jail
A guy walks into a heavy metal bar. ouch.
If Microsoft releases a car... If Microsoft releases a car called Win10 . The same car would fit all size of drivers, from ants to Whales.
If you're in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it's unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I saw a police helicopter last night... "Hey look, a flying pig".
What do you call a camel with three humps? Pregnant
You know that pestering someone because the don't watch the same TV shows as you isn't a personality, right?
My penis just lost its job. If anyone knows any holes it can fill let me know.
What did the sergeant say to the corporal? I need to see your privates.
How to create a clean joke Step 1. Find a dirty joke Step 2. Clean it
Have you heard that hilarious joke about Hellen Keller? Neither has she.
Donald Trump wants to ban shredded cheese in the United States. He wants to make America grate again.
Siri, where are my pants?
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this to be in base 3.
I put the ogle in Google image search.
Why do sailors drink so much? We sleep better when the room is moving
"Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?" Oh. Yea. Good thinkin'. Can't be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was out standing in his field
There's a new 12 step program for people who can't stop talking. On-and-on-anon.
What do you call a root vegetable that spins on it's axis? A *rotato*...
Despite all the hype, it was a mistake hiring a homeless personal trainer. I've been high in tent city training every day, but its not helping with my goals.
Not sure why everyone think im a cannibal... I just ate a sandwitch.
I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life.
What do you put in an oragami gun? Paper clips.
Lip Balm To My Wife Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.
Where is the most environmental friendly place on Earth? r/Jokes, recycling rate is 98% here!
When life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
-Are you single? -No, I'm an album.
I make spelling mistakes alot and when I say alot I mean a lot.
Why are womens feet shorter than mens? So they can stand closer to the sink.
I was trying to work out which of the Thai girls at a bar was actually a girl, and got it embarrassingly wrong... ...I felt such a dick.
How do you tell if someone is jewish at a football game? They leave after the coin toss
If you're looking for something fun and exciting to do, why not try anti-gravity? It never lets me down!
I was getting a massage and I asked the masseuse if it was normal for a man to get an erection He replied that it was. So I asked if he could get it out of my face.
Social butterfly? Nah. I'm more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they've seen me, but no one really believes them.
A funnier shorter vampire joke What did the vampire say to the woman teacher? Bla...bla..see you next period.
You are ugly!... A drunk guy screams at a woman: "You are ugly!". The woman replies: "You are drunk!" Guy: "At least in my case, tomorrow I wont be anymore."
With today's guilty verdict Aaron Hernandez went from a tight end to a soon to be wide receiver.
* charges phone. Phone: wrong hole.
What do you call it when a gorilla takes martial arts lessons? Kong-fu
Wife: morning Me: good morning Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that's great
Did you hear Bruce Willis tried to overdose on viagra? He wanted to Die Hard.
I wear a stethoscope, so that in the case of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I'd tell you a good time travel joke But you didn't get it
I need to print some my Facebook friends' status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my bum with them.
Heroin use among horses have grown But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Where do books sleep? Under their covers.
My grandpa keeps complaining to me that my generation relies too heavily on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What do you call a man with no arms and legs that falls into a body of water? Bob.
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their hands through their hair.
Why shouldn't white people go swimming? Nobody likes a soggy cracker!
Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we'll stop Eddie Murphy.
Damn girl, did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like your face hit the ground first.
Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with "daaaaad I have to peeeeee"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split so ice creamed !
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because fuck you
I flashed my BIOS... ... and got arrested for indecent exposure.
What do dwarves and hipsters have in common? (just made this joke up, help me if I can word it better) They're underground, and it's hard to tell males from females. or something like that =)
I failed the communism test. No Marx.
Whats the month people get most drunk in? Febrewery
You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.
I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Upon what does a jungle cat write a letter? A cheetah paper.
Why don't vampires go south of the border? Because every time they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the vshits for a month.
Why do people post missing person posts on Facebook? Like we're going outside...
What did adam say to eve? Let's save humanity.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex But my girlfriend keeps saying it says dyslexia
When did mathematicians get their independence? March 14.
why did god make girls so stupid? so that they would love boys
What do you get when you cross a Star Wars ship with math? A Pi fighter
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
What do you call a black guy with a fan? Antique air conditioner.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You'll still have herpes.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Where did Lisa go during the bombardment.. Everywhere
What happened to the blind circumciser? He got the sack.
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Hot.
Why was Aron Ralston arrested by the FBI? For giving arms to Iraq.
What's the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with a boob job? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar The bartender asked, "why the long face?"
Having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm Let me know if you can't come.
What type of car does a Loch ness monster Drive? A nissan [tree fiddy](http://www.motorstown.com/images/nissan-350-z-coupe-02.jpg)
What does a baby mouse say to its mother after seeing a bat? Look mom, an angel!
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.
A lack of love from your parents leaves a hole in your heart only dicks can fill.
Which side of a horse has the most hair? The OUTSIDE! oh-my-goodness, that's hilarious! ~Skip
Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
Virgins So a guy makes a joke in front of a bunch of virgins. No one gets it.
Whats it called when you 69 with someone who is sitting in a wheelchair? Meals on wheels
Whats the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste
Server: Would you like another glass of wine? Me: I'm sorry, I don't have time Server: For the wine? Me: No, for silly questions
What's the Mexican version of the Klan? Que Que Que
My girlfriend just asked me.. What's an English geologist's favourite fruit? A pomegranate.
How do you titillate an ocelot? You osculate its tit a lot!
Why did the Tinman not go to the ball? His heart wasn't in it.
When a woman has to pick one of three men: a smart one, a cute one or a rich one. She always chooses the asshole.
Apparently the Bin Laden plane hit a Porsche, it's 911 all over again.
My friend says he needs to get hydrated immediately. Well, water you waiting for?!
Why don't Asians make good Knights? Because then there would be a chink in the armor.
yo mama so fat when she dive into the ocean there is a tsunami warning out!!
When does Hillary Clinton have sex with Bill? maybe never but Bernie sanders lost big time in the primary today.
"Naked ladies!!" - art
Why don't anteaters ever get sick? Because they are full of antibodies!
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
The rulers of the US, Russia, and China walk into a random bar in Latin America What do the locals call them? El negro, el gringo y el chino.
What do you call a bolshevik in a hurry? A rushin' russian.
You know what really grinds my gears? I'll see myself out
You can accurately measure a person's intelligence level by giving them a simple prostate exam. If they let you, they're an idiot.
Yeah, sure, I use made-up words sometimes. Does that make you [Lowers shades] Discomfortable?
It's not a nervous breakdown. I'm having a calm, rational breakdown based on an understanding of how fucked everything is.
*spelling bee* Me: b-e-e Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell- Me: B-E-E Judge 2: I mean, he's not wrong
Yo mama is so poor when her friend came over to use the bathroom she said ok choose a corner.
Did you hear about the rivalry between the ice cream shops in Texas and Mexico? It was the Battle of the A'la Mode.
Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth? And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?
How do you send a sandwich to someone on a computer? in bytes
What do you call a gay with a large asshole and a lesbian with a strap-on? A wife and a husband. (My gay friend told me this joke).
Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
Say what you will about deaf people
Why'd the crazy guy jump out of the hot air balloon's basket? He wanted to escape from the ballooney bin.
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-'em-all
How did I get out of Afghanistan? Iran.
How do you re-use a condom? Turn it inside-out and shake the fuck out of it.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what's the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
A man said to me "hit me with your rhythm stick you four-eyed sod." That's just adding insult to Ian Dury.
Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple store? For the watch
Whats the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year old? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window
I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs. It was a portent.
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn't recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
Why did Jesus lose the basketball game? Because Peter denied him three times.
What do you call an Asian Pothead camping in Yellowstone? A Yellowstoner.
What noise does a ceiling fan make? GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!
I asked a New Zealander how many sexual partners he'd had He started counting but then fell asleep.
What do you call a cow woth a twitch? Beef Jerky
You know, I frankly don't find Isaac Newton's work all that original. I mean, half of his works were all derivatives anyway.
The trouble with quotes on the internet. "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal* "ALFRED WE'RE GETTING IPHONES."
I asked my mom something really stupid. I asked her to calm down.
What's white and can't climb a tree? A refrigerator. Sorry.
Q: When the boy broke his knee, where did he go to get a new one? A: At the butcher shop, where they sell kid-knees.
I can't wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door... ...but his girlfriend was against it.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love but alas, it was in vein.
How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde.
Two people sitting in a park. They see 2 women, kissing, and whatsoever. Guy 1: I really like that, should we go up to them? Guy 2: Uh, lets be honest...
What's yellow on the outside and grey on the  inside ? An elephant disguised as a banana !
There's no bigger psychopath than the guy working out at the gym in jeans.
Im on a sea food diet I sea food and I eat it.
Whenever I have doubts as to my race, I just scrunch up a piece of paper & shoot at a waste basket... Anyway, today! I am definitely white.
I'm in a relationship with sleep and I get some every night...and if I'm lucky i get some during the day.
Whats the difference between a man and a government bond? The bond matures.
What do you call a court case in which an immigrant is suing over sexual harassment? *Alien v. Predator*
Why are most hurricanes named after women Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.
What French city always surrenders first? Toulouse
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Paddy needs to get his shit together
What's a Hater, Homophobe, Racist, Bigot, and Sexist? Any conservative winning an argument with a liberal, Democrat or 'progressive'.
What do you call a disabled paedophile? A creepy crawly
[doctor's] INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc? DR: Your tests are all clear IM: Is that good? DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I'm not sure
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Netflix just asked me to rate 'Spy Kids 2' and I clicked "I haven't seen it" but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
What do you call a boat that won't float? Bloated.
I went through three magazines on a train yesterday. I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.
Absolutely no one can text faster than a pissed off woman.
What do you call a black guy that you can't see at night? Incognegro.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can't keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
"If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? She moans with the other.
When did the Chinese man know it was time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
A black man, a jew and a retard walk outside the store So I run that fucking nigger over.
I must be getting old...my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory
What do Mexicans cut their pizza with? Little Caesars
What has 9 arms and sucks? Led Zeppelin
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Best period joke ever .
Damn Girl, Are You Harambe's Pit? Cause I wanna drop my children in you
They told me to dress for the job I want, not for the job I have. They fired me the next day because I dressed for a blowjob. I'll show myself out...
Yeah... I think golf jokes are really sub-par.
Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven? They were too GUI.
I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.
I got accused yesterday of "plagiarism!!!" Their words, not mine.
My friend thinks he is smart ! My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
What Do You Call an Ethiopian with A Piece of Lettuce on His Head? A Quarter Pounder.
Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp? He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.
"I'm sorry but it's only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms" [octopus glove shopping] "this is unacceptable"
How come I didn't get upset when the Indian restaurant got my order wrong? It was a Naan issue
Why did the Scotsman sell drugs? He had to get plaid.
Should I be worried? My son just filed the serial number off his squirt gun.
5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex. * 1% liked the warmth * 2% liked the sensation * 3% liked the eroticism * 94% just liked the peace and quiet
The downside of being tolerant is all the ignorant bullshit you have to tolerate.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? 5. 1 to screw in the light bulb, and 4 to remark on how grand the old one was.
What snake do get when cross a calculator with a steam engine? A puff-adder
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is getting released for the second time in Iraq. They're renaming the game to The Sims 5.
There aren't many sports that couldn't be improved by adding a bear.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby's would you go to?
What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat? The wheelchair...
Doctor pulls a thermometer out of his top pocket... "Some asshole's got my pen"
Did you hear about the baker that died fighting to save his business? They say he went out "buns-a-glazing"
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain. Tempted to eat my own leg. Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
What's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick? It doesn't matter where you drop them off.
What did the tsunami say to Japan? .. ... nothing, it waved. Happy Thursday all.
What do you call a bird that drunkenly conveys a compelling perspective on racial hatred? Tequila Mockingbird.
Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly. But he's not running for President, his wife is.
No one can text faster than a pissed off woman
The mantra to a successful relationship find someone who likes the same thermostat setting as you do.
Careful what you wish for!
What's the difference between rape and vehicular manslaughter? It's harder to eat a plate of ribs during a rape.
How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy. Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.
What is the difference between a priest and a zit? A zit wait to come on your face till your 13
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside... if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down, push in and out... faster and faster! Yep that's how you wash a cup.
I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight... The people who live above me are furious.
My wife has a tatoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh If you put your ear against it you can smell the sea
It's not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can't see my naked body.
What can turn a fox into an elephant? A marriage certificate.
What do you call a Mexican without his car? Carlos
What's blue, and smells like red paint? Blue paint
Few disc jockeys ever graduate to horses.
If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?
Why did Sally drop her ice-cream cone? She got hit by a bus.
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister-Matic
i want to take one of those cruises where people shit right there on the boat but apparently they only happen randomly as a surpris,e
*Puts on apron* *Places Pop Tarts on plate* *Removes apron*
Why do ducks have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !
They take away old people's drivers licenses, but old people wreak much more death & destruction with their email forwards.
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? Call her and tell her.
Old enough -Mom I'm finally 15, can I have a boyfriend? -No. -Can I use high Heels? -No. -Can I use a mini skirt? -No. -But why? -Because you're a man, Bob.
Why are there no Walmarts in Syria? Because there is a target on every corner. Guys, this syriaous.
John: "I'm a man of few words." Bill: "I'm married too."
Does anybody know whats heart does? Beats me
Trump: "Knock knock." Donald Trump: "Knock knock." - Who's there? "No way-Jose" - No way-Jose who? "No way-Jose getting over that fucking WALL"
______________________ I'm drawing a blank here.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Eye Patch Barbie ...with a choice of eye patch colors: purple hot pink or aqua!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? ...To get to the same side
Every Facebook post: *Girl posts lyrics* Elderly woman comments "Hi lucy. you're so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday"
How do you make a dinosaur? Kick it up the arse
Edgy Knock knock joke Knock knock. Who's there? The pilot. Let me in
What is Error 619? When your kid sleeps in between.
[Minister]: Do you take this woman to be your lawful [Groom]: I'm just here for the open bar.
Why are 490 Romans are funny ? Because XD Edit : Sorry about the typo the second are is not supposed to be here
Why is Vladimir Putin always Russian? Because he's never Finnish.
"Cool hand, Luke." - Darth Vader, enviously
Today I Stumbled across something Very Tragic. I found a little baby in a dumpster. Everyone should know by now babies go in the Recycle bin.
Ad in the classifieds: Trade cute Doberman Dog for orthopedic hand.
Weeaboos go to Japan and be like... W-where are the subtitles?
Why did the salad cross the road? To get away from the PETA convention.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: "Let's get it!" King Germ: "No!!! We must wait 5 seconds......"
When Chuck Norris is pulled over, cops show him their IDs
What is Hitler's least favorite beverage? Juice.
Why don't lamps talk? They're antisocial lights.
How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?
Putin goes on holiday! Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk. Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No, just visiting.
A grizzly walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartended asks "hey you 21?" "Bearly"
What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono? They both live off dead beetles
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr. Dre
I have a friend who is pregnant. Trouble is, she slept around so much that she has no idea who the mother is.
I put the 'fun' in functional alcoholic.
I'm not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to "I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE". Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Why don't sheep shrink when it  rains?
I'm getting a prescription for medical fellatio.
The company I worked for was bought out by a billionaire from Spain... We didn't expect the Spanish Acquisition.
Last night I ate out a handicapped girl ...my mother always told me to eat my vegetables
what't the difference between a US election and a bunch of sly midgets? [NSFW] one is a bunch of cunning runts and the other is a bunch of running cunts.
How do you confuse an idiot? 78.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Silence is golden. Unless they're in the shower and you can't find their phone. In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I decided to face reality today and I definitely won't be doing that again anytime soon.
If a woman is born in Italy grows up in England goes to America and dies in Baltimore what is she? Dead.
I've always identified with Professor Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron... But I never bothered to figure out why.
Someone just called me materialistic. I felt like choking them with my Vivienne Westwood belt.
Where will a springer spaniel never shop? At a flea market!
Going to attempt a Mexican joke. Hope it's a good Juan!
'William I've been told that you have been fighting with the boys next door' said mum. 'yes but they're twins so I wanted some way to tell the apart.'
Do you know how you can tell your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
What's a rapists favorite meal? Spaghetti-No's I'm sorry.
Did you hear about that golfer who sang a song every time he hit a wayward ball? They say he made a fore tune!
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he is not a full essay!!!
Several years ago, the military upgraded the AR-15 to an AR-18, but quickly abondoned the new weapon. When asked about what happened to the new guns, a general replied, " They Argon."
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station
I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because "his leaves are getting on our lawn."
When a woman asks for some time, and some space... ... she's trying to calculate speed
Can you fly a black hawk? Can the popes di*k fit through a donut.
What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern? No, seriously, I want to know.
Still haven't found the manly way to walk across ice.
They think they have found the the remains of Dick the Shit. Sorry, I meant Richard the Turd!
How many of my ex-girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Apparently she will screw anything.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No but she sure could climb trees well!
What do you call a pig that's a lumber jack? Well you call him porkchop
What do you call a cow that's cold and angry? BURRRR...GERRRRRRR edit: Thought of this last night when eating my burger and my friend said that the burgers were cold, lol.
You've got to hand it to little babies because their stupid little arms can't reach anything
I used to be schizophrenic... ... but we're OK now.
This Just In For News A man apparently, we assume, was black, and we assume, was shot, and we assume, by a police officer. More details, we assume, later.
Hey Mark, do you want a threesome? So go home fast. Perhaps you arrive on time.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm... She said "I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work."
In 2010 the Apple CEO came to my house and started taking my cleaning supplies.. Bloody Jobs, stealing my polish!
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald's. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Where is the Pokemon? Peek-a-chu!
How can you tell if a person is a vegetarian? Don't worry. They'll tell you they're a vegetarian.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart....
"A black man follows me when it's sunny outside. When it's cloudy, he goes home." "Brick, that's your shadow."
Knock, knock. Who's there? Hodor. Hodor who? *Hooodoooor!*
A horse walks into a bar... and the bartender says, "Why the long dick?"
[DARK] A bulky muslim man walks into a gay bar... He says "EVERYONE, WANNA SEE THESE GUNS??" Everyone "YEEEAAAHHH!!!" And. Thats how Orlando happened. And dark humor is never too soon :)
Why didn't Ronda go to Prom? she got Holm schooled &amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; [/r/funny told me to go here &gt;.&gt;]
The main qualification to be a morning radio DJ is the ability to laugh long and hard at your own obvious jokes
How much money does the Treasurer of the United States make? All of it.
What do peasants do in their spare time? They serf
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her and takes her purse.
What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit's middle finger.
Hello everyone Where are u from?
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
"BE YOURSELF!" is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
Remember ... Jesus died for your Peeps.
I'm no Dean Martin. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
There are 1000 shopping carts inside this Walmart, yet I always pick the one with the wheel that makes everyone look like a meth addict.
What I Say To 7: "This is just between us" What 7 Hears: "Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse"
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
You know what they say about blind prostitutes... You really gotta hand it to them.
Paddy goes to court for armed robbery! The jury foreman comes out and announced "Not Guilty" "That's Grand", shouted Paddy! "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Whats the difference between a black guy in jail and a caged birth? The bird doesn't feel he's home.
I made a chicken salad today. Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it.
How do spacemen pass the time on long trips ? They play astronauts and crosses !
Have you heard of the new birth control for men? put a rock in your shoe and it will make you limp
You can't spell 'jew' without the word 'ew'.
Who wants to play war? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me!
Did you hear about the constipated math professor? He worked his problem out with a pencil.
Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets? Q: Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets? A: To smell like big girls.
If Monday had a face, I would punch it.
A chicken &amp; an egg are in bed together. The chicken lights up a cigarette, turns to the egg &amp; says 'Well I guess that answers THAT question!'
What do you call a nun that works for your company? Nun of your business.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
What does Korean food taste like? Chinese food.
Pro Tip: On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called "The Many Benefits of Kegels". Is not a great idea. I know this now.
What's the best thing about sex with 21-year-olds? There are 20 of them.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Who has a long nose wears a mask and sits tall in the saddle? The Lone Aardvark!
A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom's maiden name. Then login and read all their emails.
Helpful advice for travellers: If you are going to get on a commercial flight take a bomb with you. BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?
Eskimos.. What do eskimos do when it gets cold? They go into their igloos and sit around a candle. What do they do when it gets even colder? They turn on the candle.
Martial Arts for weak prisoners A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo
"Do you masturbate?" Friend:"Do you Jack off? Me:"Yes, I do". Friend:"How many guys a day?"
hunting for meat is a fun, important life skill. all you have to do is find a smaller animal and bite it until it is dead
Date: You don't look anything like your profile picture Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
What's white on top and black on bottom? Society. Whats black on top and white on bottom? rape.
When I catch my dog sleeping, I shave dicks into his fur.
Why did the baker... Why did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo.... HAHAHAHA
Why is fruit so expensive? I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Humans are like M&amp;M's. They might be in all different colors, but they all taste the same when you eat them.
What would happen if The Styx and The Stones got a band together? It wood rock.
Do you remember when you used to blow bubbles? Well he's back in town and said he misses you.
What do you call a Chinese man with a bad sense of direction? Wong Wei
Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark? Because it's the first Indy movie.
'Joe whats that package ya got today?' "ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO" 'Well its about time, right?' "RIGHT"
Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
[Morning after wedding] *dead husband lies on bed* PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
A joke i came up with.... detective: time of death 4:20 police officer: eyyyy detective: eyyyyy corpse: eyyyy
Sonny snake is asking his father snake: *Dad, are we venomous?!* "No son, we're not venomous snakes, why do you ask?" *Because I just bit my tongue!*
What's the difference between your child and your husband? At least you can leave your child alone with the babysit
I let my son go on ebay earlier today When I told my wife she slapped me and called the police.
How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You  pokemon
Text him again. He probably just forgot that he's in love with you.
Halloween '94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Your momma is so stupid... She thought tinder was a cooking show to make chicken.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I've never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Me [31M] and my wife [28F] are having issues with our different needs with sex. We're trying to work out the kinks.
pirate joke I saw a pirate walking down the street and he had a paper towel on his head so I said "what's with the paper towel." he said "arrgh got a Bounty on me head."
* wishes on shooting star " the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again"
What's the most common view of porn? In HD.
Take heed: Do not open this email There's an email that had begun circulating recently that is offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this email, do not open it; it's SPAM.
Channel 4 are making a documentary about a black man producing cocaine in his bedroom, they're calling it, "CHOCOLATE & HIS CHARLIE FACTORY."
Where did bob go during the explosion? ...everywhere.......
A priest, rapist and a pedophile walks in to a bar... ...he orders a drink.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I'm really passionate about ducks.
What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop? *A big mac*
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.
Rest in peace David Bowie I love your knives!
What's the most obvious name you can give a Panda? Pan, duh!
A lot of people end a question with a period. Usually that question is "Am I pregnant?"
Why did the console player cross the road? Because fuck you for clicking on this just to tell me how much of a shitty repost this is!
Ya know? You're like a blister... you only turn up once all the hard work is done.
What did the rock say to the other rock? Im hard
I heard Google is turning 15 years old today. Now it's really going to think it knows everything.
What did your mom's leg say to her other leg? Nothing; they've never met.
What did the mother of the guy who broke his arms say at the beginning of every 'session'? ssh bby is ok
In America they have stand up comedy... In the Balkans we have Sit Down Tragedy.
I saw an expensive prostitute She gave me lobsters.
I tried telling my friend from down south how becoming blood brothers works. He couldn't understand the concept because they were all related already.
Why were Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6 released before 1, 2, and 3? Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
A guy shows up late for work Off to work A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. Why? What happened at 8.30?'
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Gay people are such great dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.
I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack And buried him in it.
Way to greet me with a headache, Friday. Who died and made you an asshole? You think you're Monday or something?
Adopted Friend I feel really bad for my adopted friend. He is going through an existential crisis. Which sort of makes him like his Dad. He doesn't really know who he is.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, tornados and the dark and everything.
My friend Gav died of heartburn the other day Gaviscon
Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.
Who are your favorite underground artists?? Mine are Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston
How is a fat woman like a scooter? She's fun to ride until your friends find out.
Why do people make fun of me because I've never grabbed a girl's boobs? I still don't get tit.
PSA: Brazilian officials have assured that they've taken measures to lower the chances of being murder there during the Olympic games to be... Juan/Brazilian.
I like my woman like I like my cheese Old, French and smelly
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
It's pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey? The look on their face while being nailed.
Why did the twinkie go to the dentist? He lost his filling!
I'd be the X-man who was always pointing out the continuity flaws in our storyline
I am being so rude. Apologies. Google, is there anything you want to ask me?
Q: Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry? A: On a clothes lion.
[Me]: What's a snowman's favorite drink? [Bartender]: idk [Me]: Brrrr-bon lol [Bartender]: ... [Me]: jk snowmen don't drink they aren't real
What did the mute kid say to his friend
Why did the Mexican tie his wife to the train tracks? To-kill-er
Dark humor is kinda like food.... Not everyone gets it.
Bruce Jenner joke. Bruce's transition to a woman has been so fascinating, a whole new category has been made for him. He will be considered Transjenner.
I wanted to start my own last minute grandma rental service... But the name InstaGram was already taken.
Kik you? Like what? In the face?
You know what I like most about people? Their Pets.
Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president... He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.
If your uncle Jack was riding a horse named Bill Cosby, and your uncle got stuck on the horse, would you help your uncle Jack off Bill Cosby?
How do you fit three gay men on a bar stool? You flip the stool over.
What do you call an acid trip so hard that it gives you visions of the future? Psychic-delic.
How do you make gold soup? You use 14 carrots.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Helen keller sets down a cheese grader and says... That was the most violent book i've ever read
A hipster walks into a bar... and says "This place sucks now, it used to be better before all the hipsters took over."
Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.
Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? Because the spray paint can wasn't invented until 1949.
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck.
Creation of the woman Too bad God didn't make her out of he funny bone **this is just a joke so don't get offended please**
Why do dentists like potatoes? Because they are so filling.
Women are just as sexist as men But just like everything else, men are just better at it.
How many ballerinas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ...5,6,7,8!
#feelthebern As a Jew I'm not sure Bernie is allowed to say that
The president says 60% of Americans don't know math -- 60%. So what if 60% don't know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
When Trump was a kid wanted to be an astronaut when he grew up... ...but all he was able to accomplish was the first syllable.
One sweet thing about being the boss in the office is that you can actually order specific supplies you want to steal.
[babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" lol wtf  "wait its back on again nvm" ok lmao "he just stole my nose" im phoning the police
How did the Muslim find the goat in the field? Very Satisfying.
I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
How do you make black people break out into song? Put em' to work!...  On a gospel record.
A Chinese couple, Jane and Jack Wong, was killed by the White Walkers but never came back to life .. .. because "two wongs don't make a wight [1]" [1] http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Wights
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, "There's an idiot at the end of this ruler!" I got detention after asking which end.
I'm always just a bit disappointed when a liars pants don't actually catch on fire.
Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.
It's been a while since I partied... Yeah, I can't even remember the last time I blacked out.
Eomer gets off of his horse and says, "What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?" A nearby horseman answers, "Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!"
My first escort... was a Ford
What do your sister and snow have in common? I plow both.
Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell? Because of anticipated traffic numbers!
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... Unless you're talking to someone at a funeral. Dimitri Martin
*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you're sleeping and whispers* Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet...
[At a psychic fair] Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money? Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty* "You don't scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast"
You can buy a birthday cake if it's not your birthday, those dipshits don't even check your ID.
Two old men sitting on a porch... There is a dog licking himself in the front yard. One old man says to the other, "Man, I wish I could do that." The other replies, "That dog would bite you."
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
There is nothing more vile and disgusting than child pornographers. In my opinion, they should be tried as adults.
eer booze and fun!' 'A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets 'em down on the bar. And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!!"
What do you give a sick microbe? Primordial soup
why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses? Italians don't like ANY witnesses.
Interesting fact about Fight Club Your text post (optional)
I once asked an Irishman "Why do the Irish always answer questions with another question?" He said, "do we now?"
Why should you never trust a noodle? Because they're in-pastas.
"Do me a solid" just sounds like you're asking someone to poop for you and that's kinda gross.
"I'm pregnant" Are you kidding "Technically yes"
So I got home late last night, and my wife says, "Would you like some supper?" I say, "Oh, yes! What are the choices?" "Yes, or no."
Man walks into a bar with a giraffe The giraffe goes to sleep on the floor. The bartender says, "Aye, what's that lyin' there?" The man says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
If I consider you a friend, I'll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi - whatever you need to feel better.
During pelvic exam: Dr.: Your cervix is very high. Me: OMG, weed affects your cervix too?!
Just had a kale and quinoa salad and now my name is Autumn and I braid my hair and drive a Subaru.
What gun do you use to hunt a moose? A moosecut!
Did you hear about the stallion and the mare? They had a stable relationship.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass 'em around at the meeting. nnDidn't get any stars. nGot RT'd to HR.
those Ringling Bros elephants are hanging out in my backyard doing coke in my jacuzzi again
The Asian Grading Scale is... A++ (100.01%+)=Average FA+ (0-100%)=Find new famaree who can accept your white peoples grade.
Apparently France wanted to change their name after WWII. Unfortunately the name Iran was already taken.
What do you call Batman when he skips out on church? Christian Bale.
What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public? A private tooter!
Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic; just really, really stupid. 
You are so tall in my eyes that they can't rise higher than your waist.
"It's all coming back to me!" As I piss in the wind.
Still don't understand why all car commercials show the car skidding out of control.
Earlier today, I made up a joke to tell you guys, but um... tsh.
I don't think we should call them "bills." Because Bill is a man's name and bills are fee mail.
Gravity is just a myth. We all know it's the white man keeping us down.
A photon checks into a hotel... ...and the bellhop asks "can i help with your luggage?" The photon replies "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."
What's the difference between a gang of pygmy's and a women's track team? One is a Cunning group of Runts.....
I met Cosby once and I remember him being just a wonderful person. I don't remember much after that.
If you can't tell the difference between a ladel and a spoon Then you're fat.
Wanna hear a joke about a German sausage? Nevermind, it's my wurst joke
What did the maths homework website say to the geometry website? Boy do we have problems.
What do you call when a blonde dyes her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence
I love that tower in France I hear it's an eye full
I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman
Why does internet explorer ask so many questions? Because it's insecure. It has trust issues.
[phone call] KIDNAPPER: We're gonna kill your wife if you don't pay ME: *making wind noises* I CAN'T HEAR YOU I'M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I called an old friend and asked how he's been. He said "living the dream." I told him, hey good to hear. Turned out he just has dissociative identity disorder.
What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power? Gramma Rays
whats the difference between me and the bible? i'm easy to read
Everybody is tweeting "OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH", I'm like tf' you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Santa is on honeymoon this Christmas.
Steven Hawking nearly died last year. Luckily they sorted him out, they just switched him off and back on again.
What's the difference between a BMW and a pair of Dockers? You can only fit one asshole in a pair of Dockers.
Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you'll look really stupid.
[knock on door] Who is it? "Jeff" Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity? "Jeff from work" [opens door] "Sucker"
Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new album? It's called Invincible! *Sent using Microsoft Internet Explorer 6*
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings!
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I'm good-looking, so I'm, like, nah.
Why did the ghost cross the road? To come back from the other side.
Me: What are you doing?! 5-year-old: Hugging my sister. Me: Hugs don't start with a flying tackle. 5: Me: 5: The good ones do.
What does an expensive circumcision have in common with a cheap circumcision? They're both a rip-off.
If quizzes are quizzical.... What are tests?
I thought my neighborhood had turned very pro-Trump... Turns out they just put out their jack-o-lanterns.
*cat lays on my leg* *I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won't leave* *I move half an inch* *cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.
Bird flu epidemic or pun?
I hope college lives up to the hype All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun
My ex was like a computer game. Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.
How many 1980s R &amp; B divas does it take to fix a broken lightbulb? Just one, but they fix the crack by torchlight
Knock knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I painfully waited until I was done cooking your food to take a poop?
Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I'm only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.
What did the Jew say to Kim Kardashian's booty? "Isreal?"
Have you heard about the Occupy - Treasury movement? Finally, an occupy movement that makes cents.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They'll thank you later.
What happens if an elephant comes through your letterbox? Swim for it.
Your mom's so old, she's probably going to die soon.
Animal sounds Cats go meow Rats go squeak Dogs go woof Pigs go "Put your hands on your fucking head unless you wanna be shot in your fucking skull!"
So my friend told me the other day that he was gunna start studying abroad... ...but no matter how many times I asked, he wouldn't tell me her name!
This Summer, I've been grilling on the roof of my apartment. The steaks have never been higher.
Nothing warms my heart... ...quite like spontaneous combustion
Vaginas are living proof... That beauty truly does lie on the inside.
Wife at dinner party: "my husband is always calling me Sarah Palin" Guests: "that's funny, why does he call you Sarah Palin?" Wife: "because he hates Sarah Palin."
What did the penguin say to the polar bear? Nothing, penguins live in the south pole and polar bears live in the north pole. TROLOLOLOL
J.R.R. Tolkien's full name is Jolkien Rolkien Rolkien Tolkien.
What did the army recruiter say to the gay wizard? "Don't ask don't spell."
It's uncomfortable talking about how i got my cat fixed last week... But sometimes you gotta call a spayed a spayed
What's the best insult you can say to someone? "You are very disagreeable."
What do vegetables say when they go to party's? TURNUP!
Why did the queen bee scald the worker bee? Because he was misbeehiving
I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me... Outlook not so good.
Expect some precipitation later tonight. Because I'm about to make it rain on deez hoez.
I can't wait until my breasts make milk. Sometimes I get thirsty. And the fridge is all the way over there.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
I don't talk about it a lot but I've been to outer space many times.
I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary. It's weird but he's come to terms with it.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
After an attempted mugging a few months ago I started carrying a knife Now my muggings are much more successful!
My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
What does every clean nose have? Fingerprints.
What did one tonsil say to the other? Get dressed a doctor is taking us out to night.
So a train runs over a woman... A train runs over a woman... Who's fault is it? The train driver's because he was driving through the kitchen.
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend ?  'Your plaice or mine' !
My tribal name is sleeps in the river... I was a bed-wetter
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a  mine shaft? A: A flat minor.
[at hairstylist] Make me look like I'm running really fast.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I keep seeing yards with signs supporting Trump But I don't see any walls around them.
Why did the console peasant faint at the art gallery There were too many frames
My wife told me "My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks" I said "And what did your proctologist say?"
When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday... I'm starting to believe him.
Batman's new movie costume has a clock on the utility belt... Personally, I think it's a waist of time.
What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog ? Chump chops !
What do you call Shia LaBeouf's alter ego? Inertia.
What do you call a poorly made massive dumpling? A wanton one-ton wonton.
What did Captain Kirk do when his girlfriend told him she had a defecation fetish? William Shat-on-her
Excuse are like cakes Fat people are full of them
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the Internet ? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Ebay is way to hard to use I searched for lighters, and all I got was 71,274 matches.
Helen Keller walks into a bar And a chair...and a table
There is a new Apple product in the Rogue One teaser trailer We don't know what it is yet, but at least now we know its name... "iRebel"
How do dating sites in Alabama save money? They link to Ancestry.com
What do terrorists say to their sister? H'Isis
What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.
What article of clothing is round and rubbery? Attire.
Hard to take the guy who made my sandwich seriously as an "artisan" when he seems so unperturbed by the way I rape his art
What did they say about the burger who went skiing for the first time? How the meaty have fallen!
Did you hear about the mechanic who dreamed of being a plumber? It was all a pipe dream.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? Don't worry, he worked it out with a pencil.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Did you hear about the crew members of the USS Enterprise that needed help climbing into their bunks? They were hoisted by their own Picard.
Why don't the Amish waterski? The horses would drown. Ba-dum TISH
Reddit censorship is getting out of hand [removed]
Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ? Pupil : It's stolen !
Black people don't have inside voices, they only have "I want to make sure everyone fucking hears this" voices.
Today I pissed my pants in Walmart and they offered me a job.
Tried to have sex on a railroad track, but the train came first.
If you have to do more than 3 takes when taking a picture of yourself, it's not the angle or the lighting. It's you. You're ugly.
I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I want is people making eye contact with me.
How do you fit an elephant into a subway? Take the "S" out of sub. And the "F" out of way!
Boss: Where were you on Friday? Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep. He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
How to make holy water You boil the hell out of it.
Almost 100 degrees here, which sucks. Although, to be fair, only the last 15 degrees suck. I'm okay with the rest of them.
What's a procrastinator's favorite punchline? I'll tell you tomorrow
Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I'm on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn't Have Married.
Two homosexuals are bored... " Let's play a game, if you win I'll play the girl's role. -OK -What has four legs and goes meow? -A crocodile. -You won !"
Lil wayne becomes a comedian... Lol wayne
Why did the rapper scream into his Easter basket? He wanted to give a shoutout to his peeps
It was Christmastime, and everyone was feeling merry.. ..so she went home. ---- I know it works better when spoken. My grandpa used to say this line every Christmas. RIP Tata, you made reddit.
where do babies come from?? where the hell are they GOING is what i wanna know, folks!
Deja Moo When you are sure you have heard this bullshit before.
In Russia, we get reddit banned! Cause you know.... the recent ban on reddit.
Bechdel test Two women walk into a bar, one says "you heard of the Bechdel test?", the other: "yeah my boyfriend told me about it the other day..."
Two chemist walks into a bar The first chemist says "A glass of H2O" The second says "A glass of H2O, too" The second chemist died soon after.
Which element is most likely to surrender an electron? Francium.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
In Maryland we can't legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Dirty Jokes. What do you tell a woman with no arms, and No legs? ---Nice Tits DarKS1deZ
The woman who will be on the $10 bill has been announced and it's. . . Caitlyn Jenner-Hamilton
How do you put spaghetti to sleep? You cover it in peanut butter until it dies. My 4 year old made that up, along with a few others. Not sure how I feel about this.
If you could own the entirety of Bill Gates' fortune or solve world hunger,... what color would your Lamborghini be?
What do caves have? Echosystems. From my 9 year-old.
Why am I not afraid of Michelle Obama banning soda pop? She said "If you like your Dr. Pepper, you can keep your Dr. Pepper."
So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say "April Fools!" & we get our country back?
My friend threw a pebble at me for not giving him the video game he wanted for Christmas... I just said 'Let he who is without sims throw the first stone'.
My Grandad spent most of the war on the lookout out for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths.
Why can't you have military coup in Russia? Because in Russia the military coups you.
Why does your Penis bend? It follows a pair'o'bollock trajectory.
How was copper wire invented? Two jews fighting over a penny.
What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke Warm. May the 4th Be With You!
I'm on my way to get a Psychological evaluation for a new job Why does everyone keep wishing me luck?
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
We're supposed to lose all the trees by 2020 but if we work hard, we can make it by 2018.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. DRE
i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad
Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? "Tennish"
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? The golfer goes: thwack.... "Oh fuck".
Why did the belt get arrested? Because it held up a pair of pants. I'll show myself out.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If tampons are "sanitary napkins"... ...how unsanitary must regular napkins be?
I can speak 10 languages. English and Binary
If I die, I'm gonna kill myself. I just couldn't live without me.
Policeman: Why didn't you check your  speedometer? Driver: It broke when I hit 100.
Why didn't the pony speak? Because he was a little hoarse....
What do Greeks call someone when the most common consonant in their name is R? A rho-man
Don't think of me as 40. Think of me as two 20 yr olds.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I'm nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
"GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND WE MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD FOR ANYTHING" "sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse" "Oh rad, bring it in"
Some people prefer to put the thermometer in their mouth, while others prefer it in their rectum. It's a matter of taste!
Why did the chicken fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.
What Did Cinderella say to the prince when she got to the ball? Grgggll
A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes he would win. To his surprise, 6 puns in ten did.
What is Chris Brown's new girlfriends' name? Beats Me
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet; I don't know why.
Two guys are watching a dog lick its privates. One guy chuckles and says, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you." An oldie, but I always liked it.
There are three types of people in this world Those who can count And those who cannot count
What grocery store does Charlie Sheen frequently visit? Rite Aid
Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? Nothing. They're both on Reddit EVERY FUCKING DAY.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Why can vietnamese handle heat really well? It is natural selection...
Can someone tell me a music joke? I've been trying to think of one myself, but that sort of thing really isn't my forte.
I only like two things in my life. Boobs.
I got fired from the sewage plant And after all the shit I went through
[interview at Bass Pro Shops] So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
"Vodka, Sambuca, Tequila, Jager!" I'm calling the shots.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
It took me 6 months to finish a puzzle.. ..which I think is amazing considering the box said 2-4 years
Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.... and the bartender says "Hey, that's pretty cool. Where'd you get it? " The parrot said, " Africa, they have millions of them."
Did you hear about the hooker that went to the bank for a loan? She just needed something to get her by until she could get back on her back
Did you hear about the Galvanic cell that went to court? He was charged with a salt and battery.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
What do you call a Scottish lady that wears nothing but a tie? Hentai.
Too soon? Charlie Sheen's new show: "2 and a half T-Cells"
What do you call a Russian airliner that goes down over Egypt? Karma.
Why won't the US change over to the Metric system? Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.
If you elected me president, I would implement a masturbation tax... Talk about saving the economy single-handedly.
If Robbie Rotten's "We are number one" is a meme.. Does that make one a musical number?
What did the homeless man say to Barack Obama? "Can I have some 'change'?"
When a man falls over the side of a boat... the crew shouts "Man overboard!" When a woman falls over, the crew shouts "Full speed ahead!"
"OMG I'm so wet right now" - Me after washing a spoon
Baby I am an Animal in Bed More Specifically A Koala,I can sleep 22 hrs a day. Credit:A friend
I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper "Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad". That fly never knew what hit it.
How do you turn a computer into a zombie? Send it a byte. Kind of lame but I couldn't help myself.
What's honey mustards least favorite holiday? Cinco de Mayo
I've decided to delete my Twitter. I keep feeling that people are following me.
What did the rock say when he went metamorphic? "Holy schist."
A black couple leave a generous tip at a restaurant.... Just kidding.
I keep making jokes about my dads new Thai bride. He's getting pretty sick of them. My dads getting sick of them too.
Racist jokes... Go!
Did you hear about the house the two lesbians made? It was all tongue and groove.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall Lean in And whisper 'I'll do your housework'
I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'... So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.
Did you know Hellen Keller had a treehouse? Neither did Hellen Keller.
What time does Sean Connery show up to wimbledon? Tennish
What do you call a row of boxers? A punchline.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
What does Sonic say when's he on a diet Gotta go fast!!
the moon is a man because if it were a woman... We would have blood moons once a month.
Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Why aren't fish good tennis players? They don't like getting close to the net!
What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops? Justin Bieber gets jealous.
How will we truly reach gender equality? By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.
How did Donald Trump won with his poor vocabulary? He's the only candidate that America finally understands..
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly a dick up a butt.
Whats Lil' Johns Favorite magazine? OK!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".
Why should you wrap a gerbil in duct tape? (NSFW) So it doesn't burst when you fuck it.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
What's the difference between Kim and Robert K? Robert never got a famous black guy off all by himself ...
Apparently Gary Glitter is applying for the Villa manager's job... after hearing the strikers were Bent, Young and possibly Keane
What game do little cows like to play?  Moonopoly.
A joke finally containing original content Original content.
Job interview... H- "So how would you describe yourself?" Me- "Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance"..
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Is Monica Lewinsky good at the piano? I don't know about the piano, but she sucks at the organ.
Why is Jabba so fat? Because he goes to Pizza Hutt a lot. Edit: Best flair 2016
Bus trip Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
Fun fact: every white person with dreadlocks believes in at least one government conspiracy.
[hunting] "In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call" [clears throat, cups hands round mouth] "COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK"
What did Iocaste say to Oedipus when he dropped his plate? "You dumb motherfucker!"
"And that's the last time I ever pet a lion", said Tom, offhandedly.
It's hard to say what my wife does for a living She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation. He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently. I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm still tripping.
What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream? Are you surebert?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.
Ex girfriends are like refugees As long as they are far away, you dont care about them, but once they come closer you feel like shit
barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time [20mins later] barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question
A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?".
If you could choose between having a light saber or saving a child..... Which color light saber would you choose?
What flavor do termites like best? Chair-y
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
No one likes my puns about borrowing money, but I'm okay being a-loan. *drinks tears from tear jar*
Did you hear about the support group for people who talk too much? It's On &amp; On Anon.
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
What was the parrot doing in prison ? It was a jail-bird !
What do you call a Christian who visits shrines? A roamin' Catholic.
Before sliced bread there was no greatest thing.
somebody took my dog while we were waiting in line at the vet i cried out "Somebody stole my Spot!!"
A great joke What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator? An elevator can raise a child.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked? Me: Sorry I was busy W: Doing what? *cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit* Me: Uh..
The Israeli Prime Minister I was Searching the Internet for some information about the Israeli Prime Minister, it seems he is Not-On-Yahoo.
I Have plenty of girls who can suck, I'm looking for the one who can blow my mind.
wat apple fanboy caled it an "apple fanboy" insted of an "iDiot"
Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not with c? Because you can't see in the dark Badambum!
Q: How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow? A: One if nobody's looking.
I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.
Arent a donut and a danish the same thing? Well they are both synonym rolls!!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number; you've probably never heard of it.
Celebrating Memorial Day by not romanticizing the military.
I swallowed two pieces of string and when I went to the bathroom they came out tied together. I shit you knot.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I'm stuck and going nowhere with them
7yo: Let's not talk ALL day today 6yo: Ok! Me: *holy shit yessss* 7yo: LET'S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD Me: Right. Of course.
Accidentally ran into my ex in town the other day and then purposely put the car in reverse and ran into her again
4 queers walk into a biker bar..... One was an Indian One was a construction worker One was a cop and the Other was a Cowboy. Biker Says: "is the YMCA closed?"
What do you call a fast country? I ran. Which one is faster? Rush sia. How about d fastest? E jeep. No? K
what if grass screamed when you walked on it
I know weathermen get excited about snow, but it's kind of distracting when they jerk off during the forecast.
Broomhilda &amp; Django Broomhilda never knows when Django is in the mood cause the D is silent.
Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want  ice cream or beer.
It's so hot hotside... It's so hot outside, I swear I'm sweating more than Josh Duggar at his little sister's birthday party.
I hid a spare key outside my house in a fake rock, then hid that under thousands of fake rocks filled with fake keys. Your move, burglars...
Once I posed naked for a Magazine. But I think the Newsagent would have preferred money
I know 25 letters of the alphabet really well... ...I don't know why.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that's easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
I've been using ProductsTM for years and let me tell you, Other BrandsTM can't compare !
My three year old son, Basil, says that since none of us invented language we should stop appropriating words.
If a tree falls in the forest... ...and Linkin Park was playing a concert adjacent to that tree, in the end, does it even matter?
3 - DAD! HEY DAD! Me: Don't yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me 3 - *walks over* 3 - I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Philip Hughes joke 1 (warning: probably offensive to some) Did you hear Philip Hughes can't play a hook shot to save his life.
I don't want to live forever... But I do want to see the end of the DFS* sale. *Insert regional sofa store
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger
How do you blow square balloons? Blow square breaths.
I went to a blind tasting session the other day... It was a waste of time, they tasted the same as people who can see.
What's six feet tall, black and screaming? Stevie Wonder, answering the Iron.
Why was the car theif not able to steal the wooden car Because he couldn't drive stick!
What do you call it when you kill someone with your bad breath from a long distance away? No scope
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people But none of them work
Hey baby, did you fall from Heaven? Because so did Satan.
I almost got a blowjob from a girl once... but I blew it
If I had a pound for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
"I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.
Doc Says: I got bad news and worst news... The test show that you have alzheimer's and Cancer.. Patient: well at least I don't have Cancer...
The iPad 2 will be released on March 11th. Of course, as a celebrity, I'm already using my complimentary iPad 7. The screen touches ME!
Goodnight honey. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" The stork flies them in. "Why's it take 9 months?" Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
This Elevator is out of order.Why? Too many Sumo tried to squeeze into it.
Why are Black people so tall? Because Their Negros
I like my women like I like my coffee In a cup
I asked my Spanish friend if he knew what potassium is... He didn't. All he said was "Que?"
* on a date snuggling * Me: Did you enjoy dinner? Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat. Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Why did the cat befriend the dog? Because the dog let the cat out of the bag! Haha!
What do you call the only wood that doesn't float? Natalie.
What type of food do firefly's love to eat? Light food.
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Math Joke. There are 10 types of people. Those who know that this joke is in hexadecimal and F the rest. Credit: Numberphile
There's something actionable in your pants.
Next week I'm gonna have an MRI scan. I'll finally find out if I have claustrophobia.
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
I want to piss on the guy that stole my tweet, changed it slightly and submitted as his own on FunTweets and then set him on fire.
What do kinky ghosts enjoy? Boo-kake
How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
I heard my ex girlfriend needs a new kidney I'm not worried, her body hasn't rejected an organ in 25 years. -Tom Cotter
What do you call a swimming hole in the middle of a farm? A rural pool.
What is the greatest right given to Muslim women? The right to remain silent.
it is pretty silly joke... what is the similarity between cops and dick!!!! they can stand anywhere any time..
What were the Virgin Islands called, after Chuck Norris visited them? The Islands
How do you treat a pain in the ass? Take an asprin.
What am I gonna do with a river? Could you cry me a beer?
Marry had a Little Lamb... Marry had a little lamb, Little lamb, Little lamb. Marry had a little lamb... The Doctor was surprised.
Can we make it a rule not to put anything after the punchline? Seriously, it ruins the joke every time without fail.
What do you call a man who used to like tractors? An extractor fan!
Trump &amp; Hillary Hillary hides her emails because she has Trumps nudes.
Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?? She was a woman
What's the worst part about being a black Jew? You have to sit at the back of the oven
you gotta hand to short people. Because they can't reach it.
To Do List: 1) You.
Reddit has 10 types of people. The type that analyze something before they comment and the type that take something at surface value and comment.
Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bustation the other is busty crustacean.
A Hippopotamus wanted to go to College to become a Neurologist... ...but he couldn't find the Hippocampus.
Just a reminder of what day is today.. 9/11
What's a superheroes favorite narcotic? Heroine
What do you call a dissection performed by drunks? An Autipsy.
Let's take a moment to thank earphones For helping us ignore stupid people all around us.
What do you call a bear that's been in the rain? A drizzly bear, of course
The Energizer Bunny was recently arrested. He was charged with battery.
When interviewer asks to describe yourself &gt; Interviewer1: Describe yourself &gt; Interviewee: HIRED &gt; Interviewer2: [Whispers] Holy shit can she do that?
What do girls and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them
If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.
What's the expiry date on plastic? [81](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/UYwYdFdoecA/0.jpg)
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything... ...trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
If you smoke a lot of cigarettes & gaze out of a window while your foot is propped up on something you can figure out pretty much anything.
saleslady: can I help you "yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?" saleslady: ummm just the usual two "nice, nice"
Chess is actually quite easy... Knight takes Rook, King takes Queen, and Bishop molests the Pawns.
How do you call a woman with no boobs ? You dont.
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They only screw the poor.
*gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
It's weird that my neighbors won't let me borrow their keys & make a copy of them in case I need to clean their house while they're asleep.
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper.
Someone told me that women live to be woken up with oral sex... ... but when I tried it my wife woke up and said "WTF get that thing out of my mouth!!"
When I see crying children and miserable parents- I run to the bathroom, crush up my birth control, and snort it.
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied...
Lazy thought by my girlfriend Her: "Why is it Bees Knees, Why not Bees Nuts?" (Deez nuts)
Formulae for finding the stopping time of a musical object? E=MCHammer... you know what just down vote I don't care any more.    _ I'm fed up being gay!
DIVORCE &amp; CIRCUMCISION Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
Yea? Well who died & made you Batman? Oh crap..that's right. Bruce, I'm so sorry. Come on, dude, don't cry. Seriously, where you going?
Actually Jesus wasn't the carpenter, Joseph was. You're thinking of the Carpenter's Monster
If threesome is sex with three people...... .....and a twosome sex with two people, I guess I know why I'm always called handsome. (Btw, is this a repost? I hope to god not.)
Hell of a way Americans celebrate thanksgiving. "Turkey shoots down Russian fighter jet"
"Doesn't it feel good to Payless?" no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My wife told be that I don't understand the concept of irony. Which was ironic because we were in the car at the time.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop dating women who believe in the healing powers of crystals and I'm all like, "Nope."
I'd make a political joke but it would just end up being elected president Ba Dum Tss
I typed "Cigarettes" in the search bar and it said "No Matches". The universe has spoken.
"Did you hire a wedding photographer?" Sure did! *a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*
I'm Japanese. I took my Viagra this morning. .. Now I'm ready for erection day.
Why does coffee take so long to make in a purcolator? Because it's not called a purconow.
How does a Jew do the gardening? He moses lawn.
Why are they using two ply toilet paper in Russia? Because authorities want a carbon copy of all matters.
Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music.
A red-colored HTML link leads to a post titled "It." When you click on that link, it brings you here, and you read the post. So...you read it on Reddit because of a red "It."
Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand? A: Yes Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995? A: Oral.
Did you hear about the writer who brought peace to the Middle East? He had a way with Kurds.
What is the richest beverage? Juice.
"We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies." - Top Secret NSA Memo
heres a joke your life
How do you get an anorexic to gain 25 pounds? Marry her.
Men, of course we need you. Because, jars.
There once was a magician who got so angry... That he pulled out his hare.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's crash headfirst into this guy going 80 mph's windshield.
12 of my favorite anti-jokes
What type of shoes does a ninja wear? Sneakers.
Recently started growing a beard and my wife asked how I liked it so far. "It's growing on me."
What is white and disturbs your lunch? An avalanche
I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.
What is it that's red. Reddit.
When you get laid off. :(
What did John Wilkes Boothe's stage partner wish him on the day of that tragic night? Break a leg. So he jumped off the balcony... Sorry that I am not funny.
What is gay pride? A group of homosexual lions
Why do big trucks have nuts on the trailer hitch, but no shaft? Because the prick's behind the wheel
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My father always told me it isn't real money if you don't make it yourself..... of course that was before he got arrested for counterfeiting.
Why did the chicken get run over by a car as it was crossing the road? To get to the Other side
Help! I need someone. Help! Not just anyone. I have this internal monologue of music that won't stop playing.
My friend's in a wheelchair and he acts like he's the toughest guy around. He can talk the talk, but...
Remember World War II? Now close your eyes and imagine? Women and children don't exist. Everyone else is a Man, 90 years old. How long would it have taken for World War II to finish?
A week is five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
So batman's son got into the rap industry .. They call him Lil' Wayne
Q: Why did the invisible man look in the mirror? A: To make sure he still wasn't there.
A train station is where a train stops... A train station is where a train stops, a bus station is where a bus stops, now you know why they call it a work station
Someone asked me when the narwhal bacons... ...my response was: "huh?"
Back in my day when we found a Pokemon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My HP printer died today It was like a Brother to me.
Did you hear the one about premature ejaculation? Too soon, man.
What did the bisexual sperm say in the morning? UGH!! I WANTED EGGS BUT THIS TASTES LIKE ASS!!
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
Why doesn't anyone care about the plot in porn? Because, nobody appreciates good friction anymore.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you're gay....
You could be on your deathbed but as long as you've got a slight fucking tan people will still comment on how well you look.
Did you hear the rumor about the new save system for the ff7 remake? Cloud Saves
What's wrong with the plane that flies to Holland? It Netherlands.
Why could the drunk man only move left? The officer hadn't read him his rights.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Who turns the lights off at halloween ? The light's witch !
Our love was magical.. it vanished like one of Houdini's disappearing acts
What do you call someone who thinks Vikings are the best? a Norsissist.
What kind of donuts will Bruce never eat again? Krispy Kreme.
Kelloggs is introducing a new Game of Thrones inspired breakfast cereal. Oberyn Crunch.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogey in it
What is China's favorite ice cream flavor? Licorice
My girlfriend told me that she just needed a little space. So now she lives in the trunk of my car.
Knock knock. Who's there? April Fool day :)
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Iran! why?
Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg and some days you're that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
This tweet has been downloaded to your system and is now scanning your hard drive for copyrighted material. Stand by. SCANNING -  23%
What's the difference between a red bucket and a green spade One is a red bucket and one is a green spade.
How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed? Velrow
What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole [insert name of political opponent here]'s tie
Even saying "I'm a virgin" would sound badass if you bowled a strike right after.
Why was the sacajawea coin made? because the Trail Of Tears had a toll booth.
I wish my marks would smoke weed So it'd get high
Does anyone see the Irony in popeye eating lots of spinach? cause spinach, actually has tons of Iron in it.....
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.
The internet completely changed my sex life. I used to go to the bar every night trying to get laid. Now I'm just sit here masturbating.
What's the difference between Caitlyn Jenner and two kids playing catch at the park? I actually give a shit if the kids lose their balls.
The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties...
A farmer filled his truck with onions, but he crashed on the interstate. All his onions were smushed and ruined. The farmer was on the brink of crying.
*sees a hot girl on the train* "ay gurl check this out" *i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
i wonder what it's like to be the pizzagate gun guy and discover that your former comrades now believe that you're a crisis actor
never trust a persom who speaks in absolutes
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Q: What color is a cheerleader? A: Yeller.
I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.
Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page set to star in a sci-fi adaptation of Colin Kaepernick's career. *Interception*
Knock Knock Who's there ! Barber ! Barber who ? Barberd wire !
What do fake news sites and porn subreddits have in common? No source.
Asked my parents if I was adopted... They laughed and said "Of course not, why would we have chosen you?"
How do you put 4 elephants in a small car ? 2 in the front seats and 2 in the back seats
My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I'm allowed a cheat day So I nip out and fuck his wife.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon? They'll tell you
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You're welcome.
What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets? "Man, this guy just keeps shooting himself in the foot".
Excuse me, Santa, but I still haven't received the first "ho" you promised me.
An old joke which could use a new punchline. What time is it? Time for you to get a new ________ (not watch)
How do you ruin a joke? By reposting it every week!
What do an elephant and a giraffe have in common? They are both gray except for the giraffe.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I'm what u would call a rebel.
Why did the ant crawl up Princess Kate's stocking? To go to the grand opening. Why did the ant crawl up Prince Williams' trousers? To get to the royal ball.
Did ya hear Monica Lewinsky has figured out how to make a million dollars? She's gonna market her own line of cigar cutters
We saw, we came... ...and we were told to get out of the girls' locker room.
What disease do donkey's get from eating too much fast food? Aspergers..
What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? The rib cage.
A Chinese man goes to the optician and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract. That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they were veloco*raptured*.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it It was a shitzu
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo!!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you're homeless cause you're asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
why did the wife of the fish and chips fetishist file for divorce? she was sick of being a battered woman
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
What do you call a sexy cousin? 87.5% unrelated. (Shamelessly stolen from [Two Guys and Guy](http://www.twogag.com/archives/3023))
Instead of yelling, I just say "Caps Lock" and then speak at a normal volume.
Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?
What is common with overly attracted girlfriend and bubblegum on a carpet They both say: I'm stuck on you. Edit: wrote it wrong Edit: corrected spelling
It's gotta be nice being a mortician... People are always dying to meet you.
It still amazes me that you need a license to catch a fish but any asshole can be a parent.
Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper "I'd never do that to you"
I was thinking about telling a Thailand joke... But Phucket.
DJ Khaleds Favorite Number is 11 Because it has another 1
Why can't you run in camp sites? Its 'ran', because it's past tents... Ill see myself out.
a local dj is beat up and left for dead, i guess you could say... the tables have been turned
ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]
Skinny girls think they're fat, fat girls think they're obese. Obese girls...... think they can wear yoga pants
Why Nissan Sunny? Is there Nissan Rainy?
How do the people of northern Iraq manage to get so much done? The Kurds have their ways
What did the flower couple call their two babies? Poli, Nate
What does the high elves call Gandalf? Methrandir
How do cows multiply? With cowculators!
Did you guys hear about the jews hurting dental health? Its those damn acidic jews!
What's the difference between a walrus and a vagina? One has thick whiskers and smells like fish. The others a WALRUS.
I'm moving up in my job as a bike mechanic I've been promoted to spokesperson
What do you call a lesbian prostitute? A rug hooker.
What do Apple and the US economy have in common now? No Jobs
You know the world has changed... when one of the things your doctor asks you is "Are you gay?" when you tell him your butt hurts...
A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van
So he left. We don't serve your kind here, says the bartender. A tachyon walks into a bar.
[The Bachelor] Some of you will be getting roses tonight... [bee in the back] AW HELL YEAH
So I went to the doctor, and he told me to stop masturbating. "Why?" I asked. "Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting."
I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I'm going to have to read it upside down.
I'll be over there in a second Just give me a minute
*Whispers in random chicks ear "I have pizza in the van"
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd "Shona baby"
A blonde tried to blow up her husband's car but burned her lips on the tailpipe.
"Who the fuck is this bitch?" - Me, every time the local news gets a new anchor woman.
Knock knock... The pilot, let me in!!!!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1's and 0's 10) There are no 2's
What's Hitler's favourite cany? Nazipan
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Mike rolled around in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? Mike took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a sexy joke? Bubbles is the girl next door.
Dark Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn't flat. I don't care if it's wrong - that's still some great logic.
Why did the French chef kill himself? He lost the huile d'olive.
I pulled the trigger on myself... now I'm triggered.
I saw a lady with 12 nipples the other day... Sounds weird dozen tit?
Ted has split personalities. This shows in his behaviour to his girlfriend. He's a dick Ted to her.
My local newspaper ran a pun writing contest I entered my ten best puns hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did
How do you get down off of an elephant? You don't, you get down off of a duck.
I just realized why my dogs are afraid of thunder. They don't have any balls.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Why did the condom leave so quickly? Because it got pissed off.
I was reading earlier about a dwarf who got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I fucking hate double standards... If a girl sleeps with a load of different men, she's a slut. But when a guy does it he's a homosexual?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
What does your s*** smell like? Freedom.
"What should we call the 5th month?" May I suggest- "Great suggestion. May it is"
Samsung Galaxy S7 slogan: Rethink what a phone can do. To be fair, they didn't disappoint.
When I was younger I used to think I was a God. Most parents give their kids food, mine gave me burnt offerings.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you'd have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Four Polish men die in a car accident Two in the actual crash and two more in the reenactment.
What's a Sikh's favourite kind of joke? A Nanak Nanak joke.
Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.
"Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb? You dont know, *coz you weren't there, man!*
How long does it take for a Homeless man's stomach to be full? A couple of seconds.
whats 12 inches long and snaps a cunt? a selfie stick.
Pretty rude of you to have a crush on someone else when I've done absolutely nothing to show I'm attracted to you.
What kind of trails does a crazy person travel? Psychopaths. (I hate myself)
My little brother wished for bigger family gatherings So I listed my single uncles on dating websites. "You want aunts? That's how you get aunts."
I'm fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Why do ruler manufacturers make a big thing about them being shatterproof? Was there a ruler shattering epidemic that necessitated this?
what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his ass
First they came for the verbs... First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs.
Why is Aaron Rodgers sucking so much? Because he got tired of being rodgered!
I just invented a new word! It's called "plagiarism".
I make love like a machine. Unfortunately it's a two-stroke engine.
Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they're so easy to catch!
How many figures does a stripper make? I don't know, but it's not a father figure.
(Business) Mike: It's a sled. I call it the Mikesled. Bob: I have a better idea.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A ten foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
My Grandmother always leaves long voicemails. Its 5 minutes of her talking and 10 minutes of her trying to hang up the phone.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit in your wife's clothes
Scavenger hunt! Find a parent in Walmart who isn't scowling or being verbally and physically abusive to their children.
The England Football team..... visited a Brazilian orphanage this morning. 'It's heartbreak to see their sad little faces with no hope' said Jose, age 6.
People often say to me... "What are you doing in my garden?"
How do You find the worst joke of the internet? You reddit.
Sometimes you need to look for the small positives in life. Like a midget with HIV.
What do you say when a corrupt Soviet takes a bathroom break right before war? Now you're just Stallin.
What is the opposite of Polygamy? &gt; What is the opposite of Polygamy? Monotony
Dear lord thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat, ramen
Dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot... I would tap that.
Dark humour is a lot like food Not everyone gets it
Two messiahs walk into a bar and the bartender says "There's no prophet in this!"
My right eye wouldn't stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it's just drinking beer to hide it's feelings
Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber
In a spaceship... - Hey Yoda. Are we in the right way? - Of course we are. - Ok then... KEEP GOING GUYS, THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY.
Going to see the new batman tonight, heard it got killer reviews.
A relationship with me is like a rollercoaster It has a weight limit
What did the alphabet have before it took a shit? A vowel movement.
Technically all panties are edible if you're ambitious enough.
Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa
Why was the snow yellow? Elsa let it go.
Yo momma's so fat ...that the city of Dublin was named after her daily weight gain.
"I bet you I can get people to buy the shirt from a game they don't even know how to play." -Ralph Lauren
What does Santa call it when Mrs. Claus gives him road head? Getting sleighed.
So now i hear donald trump wants to put auto gun turrets on his wall I say, do the coastlines too. Keep out those merpeople!
Tomatoes grow so fast. Other plants can't even ketchup.
What's DJ Khaleds favorite phone One plus one, because it has another 1
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes! Me:...ok 4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face? Me: this is how nightmares are born.
What's the difference between an orange and Donald Trump Oranges have thick skin
Why can't you talk to spiders who get shut in pianos? They'll B flat
TIL you don't actually learn something new everyday. Wait. Nevermind.
When do hamburgers most enjoy watching TV? During PRIME time!
I had no idea time zones were so far apart...Just landed in China and it's fucking New Year apparently.
I think it's fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him. He's awfully thin...
Why are cemeteries surrounded by walls? Because people are dying to get in them!
Why doesn't Seattle have a professional volleyball team? Because then the people would demand a professional football team
Why did the chicken cross the road? As a child, you could have been anything. And one by one, you didn't become any of them.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
What does Santa call his English Elves? Subordinate clauses. ... I'll see myself out.
If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
How do you congratulate a fighter after winning a match? Good jab.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Two cows in a field. One asks "should I be worried about mad cow's disease"? "Well I'm not", the other replies, "...because I'm a squirrel!"
Apparently the running team had a huge orgy Inter-racial relationships.
*sets trap* *snares the Easter Bunny* *pats his head* *lets him go* What?!?...What did you think I was going to do, you savages.
How do you know when you sister is on her period? Your dads dick taste like blood
Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side
The Tomato Pastor began his sermon to the Salad Congregation "Lettuce pray"
I wanna make a toast to blind hookers you really gotta hand it to them.
Police arrested two kids yesterday... one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
What does a self-conscious vampire say? "I'm going to suck.."
OMG!! Lady Diana was on the radio yesterday!! Well, technically she was also on the steering wheel, the cupholder, a small splatter of her on the dashboard..
Why did Moses lead the Jews around the desert for 40 years? Because someone dropped a quarter.
Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now
What do Polar Bears and Black Men have in common? They're real cute when they are young but at a certain age they start getting scary.
What do you call an Asian gold digger? Cha Ching
How do you know if somebody is a vegan? They'll fucking tell you.
My ex girlfriend..
Irony Is getting pregnant on a pull out couch
Ted Nugent predicted Ted Nugent would be dead or in jail by now... which is just one more thing Ted Nugent is wrong about. (Jokes for the week of 4/13-4/19 @fridayupdate on twitter.)
My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
You treat your body like a temple? That's nice. I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell.
I always try to compliment people, even if it's just, "Wow, I've never seen clothes worn like that before." or "You have a dope overbite."
Fish must really like poetry. They like things that are deep.
Just took a 70% lean meatloaf out of the oven, and now it's supposed to "rest" because in America even our food is fat and lazy.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
What is the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? I can sleep with a light on.
My 9 day old baby keeps chanting "put the means of production in the hands of the workers"
My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries' But I'm on a glute-free diet
What's the difference between sperm and lawyers? Sperm have a 1 in 3,000,000 chance to become a human being.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?
Do cats stutter? No, but they paws.
What computer says "hello" A Dell
Strangers have the best candy.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we'll let you go Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
John was at the 17th floor of a building. John hop off from the ledge and began to fall. Why didn't John die? John is a bird.
What do you get when you convince a gorilla to have sex with a pig? Fired from the zoo, apparently.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Japan won't get Fallout 4 until December 17th, but that's okay, they got the original fallout 70 years before us.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Way too young My friend just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend &lt;3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I got a text today It read: You have won 500 or the chance to see an Elvis impersonator show!!! Reply 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
Hygiene No my name is dad not Gene.
"UK Students Die In Safari Crash" I bet they wished they'd just stuck with Internet Explorer now.
Son comes out as gay to his father "Hi gay, I'm dad"
If Kanye West was an egg... ...he'd be over-Yeezy.
Why did the Farmer win a Nobel-Prize? Because he was outstanding in his field
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Why did the mouse whisper into the elephant's ear? The giraffe put him up to it.
What did the terrorist send in the mail? A CAIR package.
What did the young witch say to her mother? Can I have the keys to the broom tonight?
What do you eat when you fly? Plane food or Plain food?
Where do sharks come from? Sharkago!
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? A cease and desist.
Why do people on acid listen to Dubstep? Because if they didn't drop the base it would be a neutral reaction and they wouldn't feel the psychedelic effects.
Why are hands so important? You always need them for thumb finger another.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning *Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* "yes"
I'm too young to be too old for everything.
What is a pedophile's favorite guitar chord? A minor
What's a Greek's favorite color of sky? Golden Dawn
I'd like to thank my hands... I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them.
I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas. They start off as cars  and stay that way.
Why can't Hellen Keller drive? Because she is a woman
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand me: how do i access the wifi fa: im doing safety announcements me: is that lowercase
I don't mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he's hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
This ceiling fan keeps knocking over my ceiling furniture.
Customer: Why doesn't my hairline look good? Barber: It's on the same old head.
Socialism or Communism are the only path to evolution, and Capitalism is the root of all evil. &gt; Sent from my iPhone 7
There are two types of people in this world Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I'm in a band called 1023 megabytes... We haven't had a gig yet
PSA for vacationing families: Don't let your kids play PokemonGo at Disney. They'll get eaten by wild Feraligatrs.
Text Flirting Tip: Don't reply immediately. Play it cool, wait for a minute, then eventually forget to reply and ruin everything.
I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Ugh.
Don't drink and drive. Unless you can totally handle it and people need to relax because you're fine.
Did you hear about the riot at the bar mitzvah reception? There were mazel tov cocktails everywhere!
Doctor says, "I've got good news and bad news..." The bad news is that you have Alzheimer's. The good news is now you can hide your own Easter eggs!
Scientific name for Viagra Mycoxafloppin
Why were episodes 4, 5, 6 made before 1, 2, 3? Because in charge Yoda was.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.
Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side.
Life is like a box of chocolates, The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Did you hear about the Doctor who fell down the well? He was taking a break at work and leaned too far over a well and fell right in! Guess he should have tended to the sick and left the well alone.
Do you think Hillary Clinton wants to become President so that.. she can get munched out by an intern and cum on his dress?
I don't have time to babysit ppl's feelings. Speak up. How I'm suppose to know what's wrong with you?
The three American Marines that helped thwart the Terrorist Attack in France did something than no Frenchman ever has. Received Frances Highest Honor...
What Trumps favorite song Make it rain (there are two way you can read this)
Why is your paper blank? Teacher: Why is your paper blank? Student: Sometimes silence is the best answer ! :D :D
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Whats the difference between a Polish woman and a hockey goalkeeper?? A hockey goalie changes his pads after 3 periods
Why don't we assassinate Kim Jong-Un? Because the North remembers.
Where does Sean Connery put his beard clippings? His shavings account.
What's Hitler's least favorite planet? Jupiter
Fact: People that choose a table over a booth have murdered at least one person.
So I recently came into a large sum of money... ...and then the cashier wouldn't accept it.
Did you hear ISIS is in Italy now? Italian ISIS... I'll show myself out.
If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Give a man fire... Keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a  light bulb? "I don't know but I can look it up for you."
So I was doing donuts in my car.. And a cop pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts?
Why was the ketchup in the refrigerator embarrassed? He saw the salad dressing.
Game of Thrones would have had more seasons... But HBO didn't want it to dragon too long.
If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? A hole in it.
If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.
Spiders are lucky. They can shoot magic ropes out of their butt & zip-line whenever they want to.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Knock Knock Who's there ! Arnie ! Arnie who ! Arnie having fun ?
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
How are Chile mining companies and catholic priests different? Chile mining companies get their minors stuck in shafts while catholic priests get their shafts stuck in minors
Just ordered a non-fat pumpkin spice latte & now I drive a Prius & am a Zumba instructor.
Why are elephants wiser than chickens  ? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant ?!
Did you hear about Kanye West's son changing his name to South? He felt he his life needed a change of direction.
What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside? A coconut!
Just found out I have cancer (oh, boohoo) and since they're my favorite, could you tell me your best anti-jokes reddit? Joke away, redditors!
How many times do you pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?
Whats the difference between a mosquito and your mom? The mosquite stops sucking when I slap it.
Do you know why Bernie Sanders has gotten as much sex as he's had? Because he doesn't care about position!
I called my little sister a blue waffle today... that spoiled cunt.
Bully For You Q: Why did the bully go to beauty school? A: She wanted to tease hair
FIFA Ethics Committee
"He's no longer updating iTunes." - A very modern way of saying someone died
Talking testicles What did the right testlcle say to the left? Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard
How does Bob Marley like his biscuits? Wit jam in?
I appreciate the lemons, but wasn't one of you supposed to teach me how to fish by now?
There's a black guy in my family tree. He's still hanging there.
Sorry I can't come to your thing tonight, I'm too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can't come to your thing next week
I'm not doubting that you're 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can't cite "BOG WISDOM"
Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my cock into my girlfriend's arse
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
My new girlfriend says she has a water fetish apparently it gets her wet
I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't drink coffee.
If anyone's interested, I teach a little Web Browsing 101 course every time I talk to my mom ever.
So a jew, a homosexual and a black man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Get the fuck out!"
Reddit thread: What's The Coolest Thing On the Internet I Can Buy for Under $100? http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/wyozq/what_is_the_coolest_thing_i_can_buy_on_the/c5hp9rg
People always ask why i wear a hoodie in the middle of June. I tell them "Winter is coming."
I've been trying to think of a joke about Miley Cyrus... It just hasn't been twerking.
It all... The title says it all.
SEE IF you can "unscramble" the name of this important American from yesteryear in under 10 min: AABRHAM LONCLIN. Go!
My wife loves sports... Her favorite position is beside herself, and her favorite sport is jumping to conclusions.
The only honorable thing I've ever done in my life is this girl named Judy. Although, I'm starting to have doubts she was a real judge.
How did the lawyer chip his tooth? The ambulance slammed on its brakes.
A great idea for Shark Tank Mark Cuban Cigars.
"I say, this bloody coffee tastes like mud!...." " It should sir, it was ground this morning."
[Michael Cera running a slice of toast under the cold tap to soften up the sharp edges before eating it]
Why did the English teacher hire a midget geography nut as his lawyer? He wanted someone who understood *capitals* and *lower* case.
The best joke ever... ...Reddit's servers!
Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted? Some blame it on the conductor.
If you're not part of the solution, you're either a solid or a gas.
An Irish man walks out of a bar
What do you call an empty town after dinner? Desserted
Customer: This fish isn't as good as what I ordered here last month. Waiter: That's funny. It's from the same fish.
"I made bank today." - Inarticulate Construction Worker
What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?
Whats the difference between My computer and Paul Walker? I give a Fuck when my computer crashes
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I once saw a midget goalie play 10 consecutive games in a row. After the games I asked if he was sore, and he said "I'm a little tender".
Nobody ever explained similes to me; I honestly cannot tell you what it has been like.
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs? A condescending con descending
I like watching horror films behind the sofa. That way my neighbours don't know I'm there.
What do you call sex with a black person? Beastiality.
Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and  Greenpeace threw her in!
An elderly Asian man goes to the eye doctor The doctor takes one look at his eyes and says "Sir, I think you have cataracts". To which his patient replies "No i don't, i drive a rincoln rontinental".
What is a Jedi's Favorite Italian Dessert? Obi-Wan....Cannoli!
I found my wheelie bin in the middle of the street this morning. If I hadn't brought it back in, it could have wheelie bin dangerous.
I long for a slightly simpler time when old people with fifteen types of produce were too intimidated to use the self checkout
Me: "Siri, why am I single?" Siri: *opens front face camera*
I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.
NSFW Passionately our lips met... Then she closed her legs and broke my glasses.
Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car? She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe
MRW when FineBros start losing subscribers rapidly... *gets sued*
Went to the disco last night... Went to the disco last night. They played Twist, so I did the Twist. They played Jump, so I jumped. They played Come on Eileen, I got kicked out for that one..
Birth Control My wife and I had seven kids. We tried using birth control pills, but they kept falling out.
Why was tigger looking down the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh! www.onebadjoke.com
Developer accused of unreadable code refuses to comment
Why did the scarecrow get a nobel peace prize? Because he was *outstanding* in his field.
A typical Lufthansa flight We are soon going to land in Hamburg. Fasten your seatbelts AND I JAST VANT TO HEAR VAN KLICK!
How many people does it take for Valve to change a light bulb? Two at most.
Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road? To get to the other side
How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there
Who did Chris Brown mistook Rihanna for? Britney Spears
I'm glad Alfred Hitchcock never made a porno because it would be really weird when he made his cameo.
Sex Ed class Teacher : any questions? Johnny : which sex position makes the ugliest kids? Teacher : ask your parents. *class fuckin loses it*
Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they're Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he's got diabetes.
You can't tell me I neglect my children. Nobody else knows where they are either.
A study of married women showed that 90% of married men still masturbate The other 10% have dumb wives.
What did Larry McMurtry say when his neighbor asked to borrow a bar of soap? He said "Sure! I could loan some Dove".
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Amazon Prime is seriously way better than Netflix. I love it almost as much as my Zune.
What do you call it when you dip poultry and beef in chocolate?  Brown-chichen-Brown-cow
If you punched a random Brit today... There would be a 52% chance they deserved it.
Almost every McDonalds A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the "f" out of the word "way". (get it yet...?)
Who is faster... Speedy Gonzales or Road Runner? It depends on how close they are to the Mexico-United States border.
MAFIA BOSS (ominously): Take him out ME: What if he's already seeing someone MAFIA BOSS: Well then you have to respect that relationship
What do you call a girl ant who claims she can see the future .... .... clairvoyant
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I was standing next to a guy before he was brutally stabbed. It was a near-death experience.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
they can't date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
What did the Suicide Bomber think about the premature bomb Explosion ? Wow this blew up.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile "That's a pretty big word for a 10 year old", I told her.
A motorist ran into a shop. "Do you own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No" replied the manager. "Oh dear" said the motorist "I must have run over a nun."
Justin Biebers music saved my life I was in a coma after a bad car accident and the nurse decided to start playing some Justin bieber... I woke up and turned that shit off.
I told my girlfriend I'm JFK Because I'm the king of cum-a-lot
[kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.
Did you hear about the tick who followed U2 on tour? They say he was living life on The Edge.
I named my cat "Curiosity". He killed himself ... Nine times.
Me: I don't feel well Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi? Me: No Mom: ... Me: ... Mom: ... Me: *throws up plastic banana*
The head of the 2016 Somali Olympic squad has apologized to officials on behalf of their team... ...after realizing shooting and sailing were two separate events.
If I had a dollar for every time somebody got the punchline wrong I'd have a lot of euros
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
How does a penguin build its house ? Igloos it together
What do you call a fat cop? A fuzz ball
Did you hear about the guy who wanted to put OJ Simpson's knife on display? He was caught trying to frame it
"Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?" "Can't. Scared." "Of the water?" "No. Palindromes."
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg? A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit) (Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
What did sushi A say to sushi B? WASSA-B!!!
A speech should be like a woman's skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep it interesting!
What do you call an owl escapologist? The great Hootini
Why did Shrodinger's girlfriend dump him? Because she didn't like his lack of commitment
A German joke... ...is no laughing matter
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Your momma is so fat.... She ate the internet
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
I think i'm bisexual... Every time I want sex I have to buy it.
My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile... I told her "Wow, that's a big word for a sixth grader!" *stolen from a teacher
What came first the chicken or the egg? Neither. The rooster came first.
Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Dad.
What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom? A runner in scoring position.
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard
AIR &amp; SEX Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: Did you hear the one about the fruit on trial? A: It was judged by a jury of his pears.
What's a lesbian's favorite meal to cook? Nothing. Lesbians don't cook. They eat out.
How much does the Holocaust?
Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
Just read "four years after pregnancy 38% of moms still were not drinking" I think it's safe to say this survey was not done on Twitter.
Whats the difference between your Mom and the Pringles guy? I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.
Did you hear the one about the woman who couldn't handle a 9 inch dick? She had a metric pussy.
What do you call ravens trying to marry crows. Conspiracy to commit murder.
"this has never happened before" is that a yes or no? "let me check" [talks into radio] "steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?"
I'm disappointed to see that a lot of women are using "period tracker apps" now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.
Why was Juan late to the Mexican food party? Because he had to pick up the [pace!](http://imgur.com/21sH8sj)
what's green and lives in the cupboard?? last year's hide and go seek champion
"Dude, this game is like your mom." "Dude, this game is just like your mom." "How so?" "It's really easy."
Today I broke a G string while fingering A minor Dammit, playing guitar is hard!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I'm pretty.
Hey US sports fans of reddit, did you know you can play fantasy sports for money online? Can't recall where I saw that..
Today a man knocked on my door ...and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
True friends don't judge each other. They judge other people.. together.
My friend just told me a deep, dark secret... When he was younger, his father used to verbally abuse him, then proceed to lock him in the freezer. Jeez, that's cold.
What was Bin Laden's favorite Football team? The New York Jets
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
How are kids like piano keys? All the black ones are accidentals.
That awkward moment when people text you first and then don't keep the conversation going.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage* "I'm so surprised!" Yes it's a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn't have thumbs so
What cologne do engineers wear? Elon's musk
I'd love to date one of our moderators. Every joke is long to them.
What do 0/10 little boys enjoy? Catholic priests
I'm broke but not "vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it" broke. *more than twice.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health..." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. -Jackie Mason
I like my coffee how I like my women Without someone else's dick in it.
God...= I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
My sister was injured in a horrific singing accident. "Oh no, is Carrey OK?"
How do you grill sheep? With Samsung Batteries.
Difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong-un. One is tyrannical and ruthless dictator, who destroys each and every opposition and other is supreme leader of North Korea.
What's the best type of monastery to send troublesome teens to? A Beenadickteen one
If you're white, you should always get to go ahead first instead of the blacks. Is one of the first rules of chess.
Jared Fogle's updated diet writes itself a Subway sandwich for breakfast, a Subway sandwich for lunch, and FUCKIN' CRAZY ASS 14 YEAR OLD COKE WHORES TILL DAWN!
There's this sketchy joint downtown named "The Disco" ... ... I hear it causes a lot of panic!
*notices wife has 5 asparagus on her plate while I only have 4* everything ok? "fine" [hour later during car ride home] you're speeding
What does an elephant use for a tampon? A sheep.
When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door? Beat it, We're closed.
There are 3 types of people in the world. Those who know math and those who don't.
Police were called to a daycare yesterday... Police were called to a daycare yesterday because a 5 year old was resisting a rest.
I hope 2016 doesn't get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My mate Dave's just got back from his third tour of Afghanistan. Hardest bloody bus driver I know.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Drinking is a slow death ..It is okay. I am in no hurry.
Roosters are just edible alarm clocks.
I used to date a chick liked it when I made her angry while we were in bed. She was into hardcore scorn.
What comes after fear but ends before sex? Funf!
I just dropped a fart that sounded like I got the wrong answer on a game show.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she'll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
what's worse than messing up a puchline to a joke To get to the other side!!!
Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. Some can go through 110 stories in 5 seconds
What does a dyslexic Christian worship? Dog
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "See you next month"
Hey guys I know a really good Knock-Knock Joke but you have to start it.
No, you can't sit there  I'm saving that seat in case someone hotter than you comes along.
Did you hear that they are rebooting the show Six Feet Under? I heard that Robin Williams will be starring in it
Sometimes I tell my Then I laugh at them.
What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his cock.
My cum smells like bleach Too bad it didn't kill my ex.
What does BMW stand for? Black man working
"Yo dad, did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?" *dad checks & realises his mistake* "you know what else isn't in here son? Adopted"
What do you call a seagull that catches you sleeping? A baegull.
Jokes I made up I might keep adding onto this if it gets popular enough :) Q: What did the man say while holding a square shaped clock? A: I'm holding Time Square!
Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here. Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving? GR: You should've forwarded that chain email.
*me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[The mid 20s catch up] "What are you drinking, who you seeing?" [The midlife catchup] "Who's your therapist, what are you taking for it?"
Harry Potter lost his virginity on a magical evening. Or, as they say in Hogwarts, a Wednesday.
I have a Latvian Joke Man has potato, man trade potato for magic bean. Magic bean grow into tentacles, rape daughter.
How did Christopher Columbus find India? He used Apple Maps.
I just don't get it...My wife's friends come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing  pants" look.
It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
What do gamers plant in their garden? Skill trees! **Dances wildly with top hat and cane**
Nobody gets treated worse than a McDonald's worker who gets an order wrong. "Um this was SUPPOSED to be a LARGE fry! UnFUCKINGbelievable!"
You know who else doesn't leave another man's girlfriend alone? Mosquitos
As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
Where does the Emperor keep all his past dead Sith's gear for display? The Sithsonian.
What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery? One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits.
What gets louder if you enter it from one end, but quieter if you enter it from the other? A howler monkey.
Have you been to Iran? You shouldn't go, I heard they don't like Joggers there.
Thinking of getting a cat? Ease into it by sprinkling hair in your food for a couple of weeks.
Have you ever noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are ones you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? There's such balance in nature!
Did you hear about the DJ who bought a cheap pair of photochromic lenses? He had shitty transitions.
[sitting on park bench] homeless guy: I'm so alone me: okay wow I'm right here
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because Sally had no arms. Knock knock "Who's there?" Not Sally
Why did the stoplight turn red? Well, you would too, if you had to change in front of that many people!
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a six offender.
Apart from designers, what profession is the best at making clothes? Biologists, they work with genes all the time.
[High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
Donald Trump pushes Jimmy Fallon off a cliff.... Jimmy fallon proceeds to open his mouth and yell "I'm Fallon son!"
What do you call a Punjabi fellow stuck in the middle of a shark-filled ocean? Amandeep trouble.
[ordering pizza alone] Yeah I'd like a large pepperoni and *changes voice* A medium sausage *changes voice again* Another large pepperoni
"If you woke up with Vaseline up your butt would you tell anybody?" "Um No" "Wanna go camping?"
What is the most popular ethnic snack among Programmers? NaN
What disease do police give black people? Glock coma
What do you call a very unfriendly, female dog? A cunt.
Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow-blower was coming.
What came first? The chicken or the egg? Humans' ability to classify living organisms.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute will stop screwing you when you die.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"
If you were to wrap a cloud as a gift, what would you wrap it with? A RAINBOW!
My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed... I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, I forgot to put up the caution tape!" Edit: fixed spelling
Did you hear about the Jewish couple that met during the Holocaust? They were star-crossed lovers.
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt, shithead.
Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
The bartender fainted.
How do you give a hill billy a circumcision? You kick his sister in the jaw.
Census confirms... that one in two and a half men is HIV Positive.
What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet! 
Wife: I told you to slow down. Cop: License & registration, please. Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers? Me: Look underneath them.
Similar What's the same between ur dick and a rubix cube....the longer u play with it the harder it gets
The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.
Yoda: *dies and fades away* Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking. Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
What does rare chicken meat taste like? Salmonella
Why do seagulls fly by the sea? If they flew by the bay, they'd be Bayguls!
Happy Valentine's Day!! If you don't have that perfect someone in your life, you are worthless. Die.
{Bear walks up to me} ME: Plays dead BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Sorry we missed you In 3 days your package will be available at your second closest FedEx location
Big words Don't you just hate when people use big words to try and sound more photosynthesis?
Do you want to hear a ghost joke? That's the spirit
Why did the T-Rex go extinct? He had a reptile dysfunction.
Tried to catch fog today... I mist.
A guy wakes up in the middle of the night. Goes to the toilet to take a piss, looks down and says: -You see, I get up when you need it.
Here's a joke My life
What did the golden male connector said when he plugged himself into the female Sorry, i couldn't resist
What's the difference between my dick and a pitchfork? I can't stick my dick in 4 babies at once.
Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when it's being shoved into an oven
In soviet Russia, shop boys pet you! You're welcome.
What's black and white and red all over? Police brutality.
I don't understand why people get excited about carbon dating. But then perhaps I just haven't met the right pencil.
My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old... and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'
Every 9 minutes, someone is infected with the herpes virus. I bet that someone lives in Jersey.
Why is twelve an unfair number? Because it's two against one
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors It's just something I can see myself doing.
I always failed to understand how boomerangs worked until the other day i threw one then it hit me
Did you hear about the contortionist that fell in love? She was heels over head for him!
How do you disappoint a Redditor? [Fixed] [Reposts]
So a mexican says... Fuck weed, Legalize my mom.
Friends are like Snowflakes If you pee on them, they disappear.
how did the bananas get away from the cops? They split up.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Overheard this at Grand Canyon. "Why do they put chicken wire around these plants? Other guy:" To protect the chicken plants"
So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day I got cut-off.
I tried giving my cat a bath... but I keep getting hair in my mouth
How does a mathematician deal with constipation? The same way he deals with all his other problems. He works it out with a pencil.
Have you guys heard the one about the child with aids? It never gets old
You can just lean against anything, look down at your phone and toggle between your 1st and 2nd page of apps and you'll look pretty popular.
why i call my girlfriend warm beer my girlfriend asked me why i sometimes call her warm beer, i told her very few want her sober but while drunk shes fair game.
Two cannibals were eating a clown One looks at the other and says "Hey does this taste funny to you?"
Sex is like a game of cards. ....if you Dont have a good partner you better have a good hand!!!!
Our country's going to shit and I will not stand for it... ...so I sat down
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass! HAHAHAHA!
If you're a kid and have problems with pedophiles... grow up
You know what a Freudian slip is? It's where you say one thing and fuck your mother.
My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!" Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, because they're both suck up bitches.
That dentist in the news is getting attacked by the public and so far he hasn't said anything I guess he really took that laying down
Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
Why did the tornado get arrested?  -For speeding theft vandalism assault and murder
What's baked everyday and sells itself? bread
At what age did the world's greatest sushi chef begin his training? Tuna half.
Did you hear about the Mexican Criminal trio? They got away from the scene without a tres.
why dont they have drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in mexico? it's too hard on the donkey
Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.
Need more time? Scientifically proved. Those who celebrate more birthdays, live more time.
"Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!" [cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
What idiot named it the English Channel instead of the BB Sea
Where does general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Incest Fun for the whole family (probably a repost)
What doesn't float to the top when it dies? A day old reddit post.
Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me? Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up, like for the ride
wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen
I too lost 120 pounds... And the Judge says the bitch gets to keep the house...
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.
What do a marriage and superglue have in common? They both form a bond in seconds, last (ideally) forever, and are dissolved by alcohol.
I've been watching the Crime Investigation channel all day. Murder just seems like the easiest way to solve your problems.
What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato? A dictator.
A priest, a rapist, and a child molester walk into a bar... His name was Fred.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn't have a hidden ponytail
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.
Who's the only living relative of penguin? His Aunt Arctica
What do you tell a worried guitar? Don't fret
What's worse than being told by your doctor that you have gonorrhea? Being told by your dentist
I told wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Apparently you shouldn't say that to a woman with alopecia.
Have you heard about McDonald's new Hillary Clinton Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
A drunk driver crashed into a school bus full of kids the other day, but it's ok. All the injuries were minor.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
Procrastination is similar to masturbation The longer you wait the larger the load
Lawyers aren't all bad.. 98% of lawyers make the other 2% look bad
What rock group has 4 dudes that don't sing? Mount Rushmore
Lawyers and Prostitutes If a solicitor engages in solicitation and a prostitute engages in prostitution, then why do prostitutes get booked for solicitation and solicitors get paid to screw people?
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? We really do taste like chicken!
When Oasis broke up, my girlfriend was so upset. I told her to stop crying her heart out.
There's no point to a dull knife.
I can't wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
If Bernie Sanders gets elected, they should rename the White House the "Sand Castle".
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
What do you call 4 chinese guys and 4 black guys standing in a line? A sprinkler, chink chink chink chink nigga nigga nigga nigga
What happens if you fart in church You have to sit in your own pew
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
A decrease in popularity I think a great decrease of the popularity of the song "It's Raining Men" was caused by 9/11.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors? So they can see the battle.
I need a new bad decision.
What is the Hamburglar's favorite David Bowie song? Rebel Rebel!
Why is 7 in front of 9 Q: why is 7 in front of 9 A: Because 7 8 9
I ordered a penis enlarger from eBay last week. The bastard sent me a magnifying glass.
I'm naming my new exercise regime 'Brexit'. It's the quickest way to lose pounds.
Having sex is like playing Bridge If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What do you call someone who tortures you to death with boring wordplay and double entendres? PUNisher
What's your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon? Mine's embalming fluid.
I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what shocked him more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Having sex at work is alright As long as you don't work at a daycare
When I was little, I didn't give a fuck about what to wear. My parents dressed me up. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it seems they didn't give a fuck either.
Don't you hate it when an egg gets stuck in your throat? Luckily, the discomfort is always over easy.
I hate it when people ask me where I'll be in 5 years. I don't have 2020 vision.
What's the difference between an epileptic cornhusker and a hooker with diarrhea? One shucks between fits...
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, instead, I gave her super glue by mistake. She's still not talking to me...
My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I could make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
What does an r/frog say? reddit, reddit
Yo momma's so fat... ...that her butt takes up a buttload of space
The Sun doesn't need to go to college Because it already has 28 million degrees.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
What did the douchebag say to the chemist when he dropped his beaker? U mad scientist?
If I had a dog I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" and then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we'd laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
What does Bill Gates call his manhood? Microsoft.
I recently joined the Klu Klux Klan I'm not racist, I just want to know the secret of how they keep their white sheets so fucking white!
I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.
Jared from subway You know, if Jared from Subway goes to prison, he is still going to have an unlimited amount of foot longs.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend ME: Jen C: Jen sounds nice M: Wh-what? C: Is Jen single? M: Uh... C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The thing about women is that they love good listeners and they hate rapists.
Today my math teacher taught us how to square root -1 It was unreal
2 Cats on the Titanic So there were 2 cats on the Titanic. The first was called "One two three" and the other was "Un deux trois". "One two three" cat was rescued. But "Un deux trois" cat sank.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a "take charge kind of guy" is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
A Nicki Minaj song makes way more sense if you make up your own lyrics.
What do you call a bodybuilding Mexican who's run out of protein? No whey Jose.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after Chuck Norris gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
What did the psychopathic dry cleaner say to his victims? DYE, DYE , DYEEEEEEE!
what do you call a gay drive by? A fruit roll-up
When I will die... When I will die, I want my last words to be : "I hid 1 billion dollars in the..."
What do you call Charlie Sheen's brother if he were a financial advisor? Emilio Investevez. Fun game/running joke friends in college used to play. Wondering if Reddit would enjoy the game too.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don't be rude. Take a little bite.
Feminists are basically Lesbians who don't want to admit it.
Michael Jackson had alot of good songs... But his best ones were when he was in A Minor
I was addicted to hokey pokey. But I turned myself around.
Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer, he wasn't happy about it.
What does a cat say when its trapped in a box? Let MEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWt
what's the difference between time and ronaldo? time passes
My wife wanted to get a cat. I really didn't want one, so after a lot of discussions, we reached a compromise: we're getting a cat.
How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.
I just purchased Big Foot repellant. Er, sorry, a camera.
Jews rated their trip to Auschwitz. They all gave it one star.
Two chickens were chatting around the coop. "That big rooster next door made a pass at me!" one exclaimed. "Really? Did you provoke him?" "Well, I egged him on a little."
Make sure you tip your waitress... It's very funny when they fall over.
Me: Wow, you're glowing. Her: Aaaaww, thank you! Me: No, like radioactive... Her: . . . Me: Tone down the filters?
What do you call fake spaghetti? Impasta.
Virginity is curable.
Special Hand Job on Olympic Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics... You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...
How are Jews and children similar? They both don't like to take showers.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
What do you call a Batman that leaves church before its over? A Christian Bale
Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf?.... ....In case you get a hole in one!
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the--nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience} "Have you seen my charger?"
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN! Next morning: Oh, OK.
Sex jokes aren't funny I mean cum on people
What's the difference between Iron Man And Iron Woman? Iron Man is a superhero, Iron Woman is a command.
What do you call a black guy that flys a plane? A pilot, you racist!
BNAG! That's bang out of order.
So ISIS attacker hid IEDs inside his rectum and detonated it.. What was the last thing that went through this terrorist mind? His ass of course lol. P.s. This is from a true story
Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move...... a roundhouse kick to the face.
A man is waiting on the bus... "Would you mind coming down?" The driver asked politely.
What did the bull say to the green eyed cow? I can't get pasteurize.
Did you hear that scientists recently discovered a new state of matter? Now there are four! Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.
Guys I need your opinion on this joke! David Cameron
I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.
CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with? ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is
What's the difference between a joke and 2 dicks? You can take 2 dicks.
Why did Timmy fall off his bike? Because Bill threw a mattress at him.
Hugh Jackman I like to call Hugh Jackman, Huge Jackman because I imagine he has a big dick. When he masturbates, he would have a Huge Jack, Man.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Cough-Choke-Cough-Gag-Cough*
Whats the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy's 14 to come on his face.
Ants Dancing Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
How do you stop a monster digging up your  garden? Take his spade away.
"I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad
*sits* This is nice. *stands* This is also pretty cool. *lays down* Oh okay this is my favorite.
My Memory Lane is now mostly traffic cones.
What do you call two lesbians in the closet? a liquor cabinet.
What's the most popular pickup line in gay bars? Can I push your stool in?
"Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other" "Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?"
What do you call a frog that jumps half the distance to its destination every time? An asymptoad.
Don't you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?
Sir, on a scale, How much do you weigh?
What did the duck say to the prostitute? Put it on my bill
Yesterday I gave my seat to a blind man. Today I lost my job as a bus driver.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail.
We were without phone, TV and internet access for a few hours today. It was terrifying because I almost got some work done.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso... oh that was you, nice
Isis are planning their next move. They should start by putting their heads together.
Knock Knock 'Who's there?' 'Europe.' 'Europe who?' 'No, you're a poo.'
[filling out job application] Race: Barbarian
5 MINUTES & NO LIKES'? Well then... *deletes status*
Knock Knock* Who's there? Me open up.
What do you call a girl with a unibrow? Cuban
Like Hannah Montana Transexual porn is the best of both worlds.
Statue of Liberty How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French? It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States
My ex was an absolute treasure. By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.
So it's legal to sleep on a pillow but illegal to hold it over someone's face until they die? Ugh, government
Wife: What are you gonna do today? Me: Shower. W: ...what else? M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.
My body is a temple But only because it hates Palestine. *Anthony Jeselnik*
The best blowjob I ever had was from a fat chick. Probably because she's used to putting things in her mouth.
Drinking light beer is like having sex in a canoe.. Fucking close to fresh water
Life is like a bowl of soup You only get blown if you're hot
Got head from a Midget last night... I guess you could say I was blown out of proportion...
What is the definition of a menstrual period ? A bloody waste of fucking time.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Two guys walk into a bar.... The third guy ducks. Lol
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? ...Dr. Dre
Why did the pervert cross the road? He was choking the chicken.
I see you're busy. I'll come back and ruin your free time.
1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life's many disappointments
There was a vampire who drank his own blood He said it tasted irony.
You know why the Baptists don't make love standing up? They don't want people to think they're dancing. Not my joke cheech marins I'm high as Fuck and thought you guys might like it too.
The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hangout. It just says I can't get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?
Why don't gay necrophiles like to talk about their pasts? Too many skeletons in their closets.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
What do you do with an epileptic lettuce? Make seizure salad!
I asked a female moderator why I couldn't post images on r/jokes... "I have a boyfriend!"
Looks like I'm in the doghouse again.. Last night whilst the wife was asleep I swapped her tampax for a party popper. No sense of humour whatsoever!
What do you call an emperor who's also a musician? A rock-czar
Sometimes I'll order a pizza without any toppings... When I'm feeling saucy.
What do you call it when two gays fight? Fruit punch!
Pedophilia You grow into it.
The one Pacifist friend. Pacifist friend: "Do you want to hear my war-cry?" *cries his eyes out while watching two dogs fighting*
What's a spiders favorite way to learn? A webinar.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up] *looks at driving test instructor* "finally"
Yuck: I do not recommend Volkswagen's new Meat Lover's Jetta.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio ? Collie-wood !
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service! ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
But I love food, why would it want to poison me? :(
Hey, we never talked in high school! Let's be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk! JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it's an existing yeast infection medication.
"This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu" -me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Have you seen the new film called Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
"Now is a good time to think about every mistake you've ever made." - 3 am
Both of my marriages have been  disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.marr
If You're every attacked by a gang of clowns... go for the juggler.
You know why I always use the lower urinal? The water's colder.
What do you call a crisis where you're the same before and after? An identity crisis!
6: Why are we at the vet? Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies? Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words. "Violent when disappointed," I replied. I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Leather jackets are great for sneaking up on people. They're made of hide.
What is the best way for a pet shop to get business? Word of mouse.
How do you make a holy water? Put it in a pot and boil the hell out of it.
Why did the banker eat lunch by himself? Because he was a loaner.
When someone says "sorry it's so messy in here" regarding their mostly clean car I laugh so loud I cough up several pieces of trash
Wanna hear a joke that ends in a cliffhanger? [deleted]
I had some Taco Bell the other night. Shit was spewing out of my ass at 88mph. Now everyone at school calls me Doc Brown.
[NSFW][REALLY NSFW] I hate pedophiles... They're fucking immature assholes
I've only just realised that Saturday contains the word 'turd'. How marvelous.
If guns kill people, then spoons make people fat.
Two white guys and two black guys go into a police station The white guys come back from the station
How can a law student make it? lowering the bar. or not to.
Woman: Come over. Man: I am coming over. Woman: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.
how do you know asians have broken into your home? the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway
I used to be a hesitant hugger... But I've learned to embrace it.
What is brown and sticky? A stick
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We're going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
How do you make the 12th man Happy? FIRE BEVELL
I once asked my mom about the time I was conceived... ...she replied:" Son, you were simply a blowjob gone awry."
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? Because they always steal all of the green cards.
A Jew, a Mexican and a colored guy... ...walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Get the fuck outta here".
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like "Dude, ask your Mom. I still can't figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn't."
"hey man pick 1 or 2" "im not picking one" "k, 2 it is!"
Why did the weather want privacy?  -It was changing
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped. Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days. They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket. It was a herd shot round the world.
Knock knock Who's there? Grandma Grandma who? Grandma gun, were goin huntin'
It hurts when you go to un friend someone only to discover they beat you to it
What should you never give to a Jewish person as a present? A dustpan.
I told my Chinese friend that I like homemade gifts.... So for Christmas he gave me an iPhone, iPad and an iMac.
Just found James Franco in the alley behind my apartment playing checkers with a pigeon.
What do a porn star and an IT security analyst have in common? Both do penetration testing.
How did Pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy? He used conditioner on them.
It's really hard to balance work, family, and not caring about anything.
A magic tractor went down a dirt road And turned into a field.
What does a cow do after a break up? Mooves on.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
'When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in' Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically
What do you call it when a bear makes a complete rotation on both its longitudinal and lateral axes, causing it to follow a helical path? A bearl roll.
Where does the President keep his armies? In his Baracks
Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.
New on NBC.... A buddy cop drama starring a mentally challenged detective and his Native American partner. They're gonna call it Tard and Feathered.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
What's the best thing about punching twenty one years olds? There's twenty of them.
For Jesus this was anything but a Good Friday.
What does Isaac Asimov take when he has the flu? I, Robotussin.
What's a pirates favorite letter? What is a pirate's favorite letter?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I farted in a full elevator yesterday, it was wrong on so many levels.
Coworker: What's so funny M: Twitter Cw: Oh! I'm on there, what's your @ M: I meant twizzlers.. Cw: You're looking at your phone. M:...
I think we should find time today to send a friend request to Myspace Tom on Facebook; he was there for us when we didn't have any friends.
What's the best part about fingering a Gypsy on her period? You get your palm read at the same time....
Sea jokes aren't for little kids. They're too salty.
What kind of cereal does Microsoft make? Wind O's
When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?
How'd your trip on the Titanic go? Swimmingly.
A blonde asks her brunette friend... ... "Didn't you get an HIV test last week?" "Yeah, it came back negative" answered the brunette The blonde responds "Maybe you should study next time"
I once saw a black man walking down the street carrying a TV And I thought to myself "Hmm, that one looks a lot like mine!" Then I remembered, mine was at home, shining my shoes. Silly me.
Last night, my sexy Japanese friend asked me out for dinner. "Hey, you wanna go for sushi? It's on me." It's funny 'cause I paid the bill.
That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"
Retweet this and you'll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.
What's the difference between a guitar player and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Oh, I just love it when people are being sarcastic. That's just really great. Thanks a lot.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Why are Aluminum Phosphate ions so bad at math? They have trouble forming solutions.
"You are what you eat" thats funny, I don't remember eating a pathetic failure
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amanda ! Amanda who ? Amanda the table!
I recently got a job in the fast food industry, changed my name to Fedora Everyone tips fedora!
Why did the bike fall down? It was two tired
By not having a 160 character limit, we are missing out on all the good tweets that have 141 through 160 characters. It's science.
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty five year olds? There are twenty of them.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler? Well, one is a racist, megalomaniacal, rabble-rousing buffoon and the other one is Adolf Hitler.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we'd have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I'd have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
YSK: Daylight Savings Time ends tonight, make sure to reset all your clocks. Oops, wrong sub
What is hard and six inches long? my pen is
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
What happens to a woman who falls down the stairs? Nothing, as long as she doesn't drop my beers
I was in the zoo last week. Really? Which cage were you in?
What is mother-approved and child-tested? Coat-Hanger Abortions
Why shouldn't Canadian adults laugh at children who believe in the Easter Bunny? Because most of them still believe in Justin Trudeau
What did Helen Keller say when her dog died?
Do you remember that programme about the surfing stuntman? It used to be good but now it's jumped the shark.
My dick is not small. It is perfectly shaped according to ancient greek standards.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won't be going back.
Where does a shoulder work? In the army.
TIL the current Prime Minister of of Canada has a tattoo, and is in a cover band called the Van Cats, but... ...only the first part was Trudeau.
What's the difference between Texas and Russia? One's a disgusting cesspool full of paranoid, bigoted, anti-American sadists, and the other is really cold.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it might be a grebe. Know your waterfowl.
[helping son prepare for first date] "what if she doesn't like it" *stuffing handkerchiefs up son's sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Why do people consistently make bad chemistry jokes? Because all the good ones Argon.
honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real zombies.
The cemetery by my house is soo popular... ...people are dying to get in.
Vodka and I go together like falling down the stairs and getting fucked in my sleep.
I thought I would tell you an anal sex joke Butt fuck it.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it's tomorrow, in America it's yesterday and in North Korea it's 1980.
What is a pirates favorite letter? Many think it's R, but his first love be the C.
Pokemon? go fuck yourself
How do you find Will Smith after a snowstorm? Just look for the fresh prints.
Thanks to Twitter, I can't go anywhere without my mobile. Quick question. Do I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband?
What do you call a plane on a secret mission? In disguise.
How many trains have I derailed in all my years as a train driver? It's hard to keep track.
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full" I thought, "I can't turn that down"
In Russian thanksgiving, Turkey shoots you.
My girlfriend has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.
Whats Dj Khaleds Favourite Jetski Brand? Kawasakey
Include a snapshot of Doge the dog with your #resume. When asked about it during the interview, reply "What do you meme?"
Life is a lot like sex... It's way too short and rarely lives up to the expectation.
What do you call a fat lady that can tell your future? A four-chin teller
genie: "thats definitely your last wish?" me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes" genie: "ok" our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"
Met a transexual lesbian at the bar He was a pretty normal guy.
My dad told me to be the best I can be and to always be at the top I told him "I am at the top ...... of a bell curve"
'Vegetarian' is an old Indian word ... ... for 'bad hunter'.
The girl next to me in traffic was texting and driving so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong sock.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll] Are you sure you're ok?
Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.
Eternity The time between when you cum and she leaves.
"So what kind of cancer can you tolerate the most?" -Me on which President Candidate you're going to vote
I dropped my cat in the bathtub once... It was the only time i got a pussy wet.
Remember being a kid and writing "FiretrUCK" everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn't get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me :(
well, i guess this was bound to happen. i left the pot and the kettle on the stove overnight and the pot committed a hate crime.
I've set my phone to airplane mode to add more realism to the nausea and turbulence I experience at work.
What do you call it when a criminal goes down an elevator? A con descending.
Pepsi? Pep*no*.
What did the lifeguard say to the hippie? You're too far out, man.
Did you hear that some aquatic mammals escaped from the zoo? It was otter chaos!
I was going to try and convert my friend to nihilism. But I decided it would be pointless.
What sound does an emo cow make? Amumu
I'm going to create a social network called "Selfies And Drama" also known as "S.A.D." @MaleHonesty86
Why are there so many trees along the Champs-Elysees? Because ze Germans like to march in ze shade.
What did C say to E? She wants the D.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
A woman with big boobs will never truly know if she's actually interesting.
I fucked a vacuum cleaner once... It sucked
If you meet someone who believes obesity is genetic, there is a 100% chance they've consumed a #3 at McDonald's in the past 24 hours.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
a bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods The bear asks the rabbit if he has problems with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit replies, "no why?" The bear then wipes his ass with the rabbit.
I have a drinking problem (when I tilt my head back to take a drink I can't see my phone)
I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Blondes What is a blondes favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
What's the difference between Stephen Harper and Rob Ford? One likes pipelines, and the other likes pipes *and* lines.
What part of New York has the most feminists? Manhatin'
QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
I accidentally bumped pretty hard into what I think was a transgender woman Felt like a dick
Do you have a Tex-Mex emergency? call 9-Juan-Juan
My girlfriend broke up with me because I supposedly" take things too far" So I called the police.
The boss at work is forcing us all to use the toilet only at designated times. It's my turn to go now.. I don't need this shit!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I'm thinking of starting a Death-Metal themed take-away joint that caters to Pirates. I'm gonna call it "Pizzas of Hate".
My girlfriend's ex won't leave her alone. I'd drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.
World of Warcraft. The only time I let my 9 year old play with a priest.
In Dublin, a very nervous Liam brings his girlfriend to meet his father for the first time. Liam (to father): This is Amanda Father: A fooking WHAT!?
Lost my girlfriend due to religion I'm pretty much numb to beheadings at this point.
[Amazing Comeback] So I was reading comments on a LGBT friendly add(Android's #AndProud) &gt; I hate fucking gays &gt;&gt; Stop having sex with gays then.
What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people? 1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired
There are two kinds of people in the world 1. Those that like black licorice. 2. Normal people.
When you are getting Old.... You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!
Luke got Darth Vader a Christmas Present. Darth Vader: Luke... I know what you got me for Christmas... Luke: Nooo! No! No!! How could you possibly know?!?! Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
Q: Why do they call a horse a horse? A: Because they speak English.
A Wife calls her son to see where him and his dad are He answers with moans in the backround, "In my room?" He says, the mom storms up there expecting porn, or sex. She got one of them right...
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold it and the rest of the world to spin around them.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn't be fare to him
What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? At the circus you see cunning stunts.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife? Neither has he.
My co-worker just dropped this on me, thought I share. What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black guy? Neighbor
I'm opening a pet grooming business. I'm calling it "Bitch, I will cut you"
You shouldn't make fun of people who use Viagra. It's hard enough for them already.
Did you hear about the cabriolet driver who caused a fatal accident? He was driving roof-less.
It's amazing how people in the desert never starve because of all the sand which is there.
If someone tries to assassinate Trump what will the secret service shout? "Donald, duck"
What the the electrician say to his buddy? Watts up?!
What does Trump have to do to win the election? Show off his erection.
What is black and yellow and buzzes along at  30000 feet ? A bee is an aeroplane !
These Brock Turner jokes are really distasteful. Maybe they'd be okay if I was blackout drunk.
Why would anyone want to shoot themselves or others when we live in a world where weed, titties, Game of Thrones and free music exists?
WTH? My neighbors say they don't like to spoon!? Even after I stopped sleeping in the nude. And introduced myself. Old people! Amirite?
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her Calm down, it's not what you think...
Who is the funniest tennis player? Djokovic
Have you read GANDOLF'S new book about GENDER identity? It's great! It's called "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
What's a three letter word for Hell? DMV.
You don't need a parachute to skydive... You need it to skydive twice.
I don't know why Chic-Fil-A is so popular... Their food always leaves a fowl taste in my mouth.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
What's the difference between a hooker and a politician? A hooker stops screwing you when you run out of money.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis [cough], father [ah], ladder
What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of? Addiction
They opened the tomb and were all, "Where'd he go?" and the angel said, "He's at IHOP for never-ending pancakes" and they were like, "Word."
"Reddit is a shopping website" That's what my sister said.
What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What do you call gay couple? TOGAYTHER
Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons.
You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.
GUESS WHAT Knock knock who dere not robin williams
What's large, grey, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country... ...but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.
I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing. Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts...
When is a pepper annoying? When it's jalapeno face
What do you call a guy who's into beastiality? Someone who really gets his head into the game.
Bill Cosby is going to have a new show Women Say the Darndest Things
World population will soon pass 7 billion, over twice the people of just 50 years ago, and I can still only find about 3 that I can stand.
What's a boxer's favorite part of a joke? The **punch**-line :)
If "God is in the details" ... Then consider the little, sweaty red knots of skin on my ball sack to be godly.
Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.
A woman swore her real name was May June I said "July" and walked away.
What do you call a six sided shape that's missing? A hex-a-gone
I broke up with my gym We were just not working out.
All these phone companies advertising for "More lines, more savings!" But when I do more lines my savings go to shit.
I'm gonna kill anyone who says swag... ...They'll call it the yolocaust
Every ghost story ever I walked into my house, and fell asleep. It was then, 3 hours later, I woke up and realized... I don't have a house
Farmer vs Prostitue What is the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits
When does Eminem leave school? Aftermath
Q: Did you know they are taking out all the  K-Marts in Afghanistan? A: They are putting in TARGETS!!!
I don't know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I'd have like 3 problems. Max.
What cheese does a piano princess eat? Mozart-rella!
What do you call an extraterrestrial cetacean? A Whalien.
What was the dentist doing in Panama?...Looking for the Root Canal
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, "Well, we were separated at birth."
I was very impressed by this child's witch costume. Until I realised she was just an ugly midget in a black dress.
Since the amazing rescue of the sailor found at sea after 66 days ........ ........... is there any news on the tiger, hyena, zebra and orangutan?
Why is sleeping with a weatherman always disappointing? Because he always promises 10-12 inches, but you only ever get 2-3.
Why are modern women more likely to pursue a STEM degree? They need to learn scientific notation to keep track of their n-count.
What is Bart Simpsons' favorite kind of fish? Stealhead!
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days] Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Bowlegged Pirate Did you hear about the bow legged pirate? Apparently he has C legs
Horrible Crash "Two pedestrians die in a horrible crash!" Wow, they must've been walking pretty fucking fast.
My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners but participation is more important than winning
After being shown around, the prison warden was asked for his opinion on the prisoners' new creative writing class. ..."It has its prose &amp; cons"
In truth, spiders are harmless* *Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
When the river runs red... Take the dirt road.
I wish I could be like Wall Street Seems to be in bed with a lot of people these days!
What do you call an Itallian hooker? A pasta-tuite!
I hate when movies use that fakey "55555" ZIP code so pranksters won't try mailing letters & postcards to the characters.
Fuck. Was just recorded by the google earth car. Just to be clear, I was jerking off NEAR pigeons, not TO them.
A guy walks into a bar.... ...holding a set of jumper cables and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "okay, I'll serve you, but don't you start anything!"
Sally Why could Sally never answer questions about her previous husbands? They all beat her.
A Roman walks into a bar.... A roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. "5 pints please."
I'll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
Where do you put a hot dog? On a pun.
I know you look at the toilet paper after you wipe.
Why did Jon Snow wait in line at the Apple store ? For the watch .
What Video Game do feminists LOVE to play? No MAN'S sky!
Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says "Previously on wasted potential..."
Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm At first i thought it was mine, but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton
What will Melania Trump say to mexicans if her husband becomes president? Hello from the other side.
What does a gay horse eat? Heeeeeyy.
How does one think the unthinkable? With an iethberg.
Ladies: If you have ever took any "Glamour Shots", I will assume that you lost your virginity in a Pontiac Firebird.
Three men walk into a bar... One ducks.
What's a scientist's favorite shade of blue? Cyan-tific.
share your funniest joke ever (im looking for, dirty, racist, or really funny)
Did you hear about the beef jerky manufacturer who was convicted of fraud? It was a cut and dry case.
What is a ghost boxer called? A phantomweight.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn't tell because it didnt have an anvil.
What is the clinical name of the surgical procedure performed on a transsexual woman transitioning into a man? Addadictomy
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Why is the middle east the best place to open a store at the moment? Because business is booming.
How do you make a woman drive in a circle? Take away her rights.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
I'm starting a therapeutic cooking class for Parkinson's Disease patients. It's called "Shake &amp; Bake".
Nobody showed up for my Time Traveler-themed New Year's party I guess I shouldn't bother with sending the invitations next week after all.
Did you guys hear about Joan Rivers? The mortuary got $32 at the recycling center for her body.
I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn't get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.
What did the allergic say after getting stung by a bee? "Life's a bee-itch and then you die."
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
What Saudi funded event ended in a massive collapse on 9/11? Hillary Clinton's campaign.
I'm not a perv... I'm a secret admirer
What did the 40 year old pregnant lady say when her husband asked her "why are you so upset" "I'm having a midwife crisis"
BestBuy guy: "Do you have a 'first-generation' iPod?" Me: "I guess so. It came on a boat from China. It doesn't have an accent or anything."
What's the difference between a small bird? One of it's legs is a little smaller.
If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you pretend you're skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The Welsh people were the first people to invent the condom by using sheep's intestine. The English later improved the concept by removing it from the sheep first.
What do you call a rapper who's feeling bitter? NaClmore
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth.
How to die with dignity. 1. Grab your dignity with your right hand. 2. Die
What are some good 'your sister jokes'? Ones like: what's the difference between dinner and your sister? I wash my hands before eating dinner.
Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don't get invited to much.
How can you tell when your wife has died? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up in the sink.
Do you like pork hocks? * Do you like pork hocks in your mouth? * You're a gay pig.
What did one piano say to another? CBA
Pickachu I think cops should yell "PICKACHUUUUUUUU!" before they taze someone.
The Mods they are a joke !
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
So, a seal walks into a club...
I used to drive a Ford Fiesta... Until I took some Adderal to study for my test. Now It's a ford focus
My wife is an angel. Bob and Harry are fishing one day.... Bob.... "How's your wife been?" Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?" Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."
Why don't people tell Jim Jones jokes? The punchline is too long.
Where do cows go for fun? To the moo-vies!
I came up with a great joke about a boomerang but I forgot it. I'm sure it'll come back to me.
"I'm going to make a great mother one day" I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s? Your spine Edit: Thanks guys, made it to the front page. Was my first joke and ~~penis~~ spine joke on Reddit.
Hadron collider? I hardly know her!
What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table? Gold! (works better when told - most will interrupt with "Arrrrrrrrrgon!")
What was the name of Europe's most famous Jewish knight? Sir cumcised
Instagram makes me feel like the world's only employed person.
I thought I had swag once, turned out it was just a mosquito bite.
What's a Pirate's favorite letter? Ye would think it be Arrr(R) but its the Sea(C)!
Why do pills bottles have cotton in them? So they can remind black people the picked cotton before they sold drugs.
Orange is the new black Is what a Trump says after fucking a Kardashian.
A man walks into a bar... ...and says "ouch"
What do you call an aborted Czechoslovakian? A cancelled Chzeck.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon.
I went to a seafood disco last week... ...and pulled a mussel.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don't want to see your camping pictures.
A short one for classical musicians I once owned a frying pan that once belonged to the great Leopold Stokowski. It was non-stick.
"My cat just got ran over" You cant end a sentence with a preposition "My cat just got ran over lol"
Why do teenage girls only hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they literally cannot EVEN right now, ugh!
Have you heard the joke about the happy roman? He was glad he ate her.
Why is it hard to break up with a Japenese girl? ...you have to drop the bomb twice in order for her to get it.
Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming "I'M YOU FROM THE "FUTURE!" in their faces..
My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100.. ..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.
My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower.
College cheerleaders look like no one has told them about human mortality yet.
Since we're at it: Dating in your 30s is like registering a domain name... The good ones are all taken. But you can always get one from an exotic country...
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right? *imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor* H- Are you waving at the ground? Me-Yes to both
Facebook jokes are always Click Next to read more
When a wife is laughing at her husband's jokes, it means they have guests at home.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Android lets you use "Lumos" for the flashlight, "Silencio" for the notifications... but not "Incendio". That is a Samsung exclusive.
I had a second stomach surgically attached so I could finish my fries from Five Guys.
Why did the serial killer become a chef? Because you can't make an omelette without killing a few chicks.
It doesn't matter what you order at Taco bell... You're going to end up with Taco-ria
What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US Leader
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn't even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
(Flash of brilliance while out shopping) My friend asked me what my favorite store to shop at was. I couldn't decide, so I said I love "them all"
My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo
Biology: The science of writing awesome bios.
The women who are attracted to me all have one thing in common...[your punchline here] write your own punchline
Yo mommas so ugly... Scorpion says "STAY OVER THERE"
NASA launches bovines into space It was the herd shot round the world!
Why do lambs go to casinos? They love to gambol.
How do really crazy people get through the forest? Via the psycho path.
Cheer up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.
Ever heard the phrase" Do you live under a rock?" Ever wonder why Patrick Star is so dumb? Well its because he literally lives under a rock.
Well, it's Feb 6th 2012 and there's no meat flavored cigarettes. I guess that book of predictions I made in 5th grade was bullshit.
What do you call 2 medics? paramedics
What did the train on the way to Auschwitz say? JEW JEW! TUGATUGATUGATUGA JEW JEW!
I'm not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who knows, they never get the house.
What do you call a Graveyard built on sandstone? A sedimentary.
Usain Bolt isn't allowed near any elementary schools. The speed limit is only 40 kph!
What Will Mexico's National Sport Become if Trump Is Elected? Pole Vaulting
When I want to cheat on my diet I buy food at Traitor Joe's.
Have you found them? "Not yet, sir." THEY'RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE? "They wear tiny masks, sir."
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
I don't worry about Friday the 13th. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Hillary and Donald are just like Joker and Harley Quinn... A multi billion dollar industry is going out of their ways to make them look like good guys
My grandparents were fighting over a hamburger it was aged beef.
A baby seal walks into a club And later dies from complications of severe brain damage.
Racism Test- What do you call a black guy who flies an airplane? A pilot of course.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint!
Why do kids hate Steven Hawking? They don't like their vegetables.
Did you hear they are trucking tons of coal to Mt. Rushmore? There going to add Obama.
hello 911 yes i touched wet food while doing the dishes i'd like to surgically remove my hand
I'm amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
What does a bee style his hair with? A honey comb!
Shattner didn't go to Nimoy's funeral, and Obama's been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
What do you call an attractive black mom? Chocolate Milf
Rich person joke What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't have 100 dead babies in my garage
I like my children how I like my Christmas decorations Only on the holidays.
Why did the black man cross the road? To catch the chicken (Btw I came up with this myself)
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle  stick and calls it air conditioning.
Women and Wine I like my women like my wine, aging in the cellar.
Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books. Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.
Pc gamer A pc gamer was about to get laid but he saw a mole on her body and said "Damn bitch you have a dead pixel"
Why does the Easter Bunny go around hiding all those eggs? Because he doesn't want everyone to know that he's been fucking that chicken.
What did the river say when coal barges stopped?
What is the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? One of them has a good driver.
home alone: my favorite movie and also my hobby
The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels. I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.
If you're meeting someone, get to the place early so you'll have a few minutes to kick back and repeatedly text, "Where are you"
A blind man walks in to a bar... ...and a chair...and a table...
I'm not saying I'm antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I'm doing I just tell them to Google it.
What do jellybeans and the human race have in common Nobody likes the black ones
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
If you can't pee, Urine trouble.
restaurant Waiter: Your coffee Me: Could I have a little spoon please? Waiter: Certainly *delicately embraces me from behind* Me: lovely
How do you stop squirrels playing football in  the garden ? Hide the ball it drives them nuts !
You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Hello from the other side Bye.
Perks of dating me : I'm too lazy to cheat on you
When you're talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.
Golf is like life! It has it's ups and downs, but eventually you end up in a hole
If eye-rolling burned calories, women would never have to diet.
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
Got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said "You're dicks the biggest one I've ever put my hands on." I said "Nahh, you're just pullin' my leg." Edit: spell check
It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.
How did the blind girl accidentally get pregnant? As careful as she tried to be, she could never have seen him coming
If the Avada Kedavra curse was invented by a Muslim wizard or by a Jewish wizard It would be called the "Islama Kedavra" curse or the "Avada Judahvra" respectively.
Which fish go to heaven when they die ?  Angelfish !
Why won't Monica Lewinsky vote for Hillary as president? The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don't like on
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Why couldn't Batman go fishing? Because Robin ate the worms.
"Sorry my phone died" -something I've said 5,326 times but it's never actually happened
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?  He was caught poaching.
Panties ... ... are for pussies.
worst day of my life, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant..... and I found out Wal-Mart doesn't sell metal coat hangers anymore.
How can you tell if someone voted Green Party? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
What they say: "Wow, you're really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Why do first year film students like analyzing porn? It's easy to identify the climax.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was? [flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills] Me: Easily 10
i once told my girlfriend there was something between me and Taylor swift blank space
They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds That's why I try to eat hotdogs in 5
Don't assume my personal politics because of a tweet. Trust me, I believe ALL politicians are equally full of shit.
What do you call a molecule with the structure bunny-O-bunny? An Ether Bunny!
I know it's sick... But I'm curious about what bulimics do in the toilet.
A black man walks into a bar. The bartender says "get out!"
Santa's sack is huge, because... he only comes once a year!
That burrito didn't agree with me. And then I was like "Why am I arguing with a burrito?!"
My Echo ''You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken? Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles* Him: *takes chair away*
Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie. One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!
So did you guys hear that princess Diana was on the radio last week? ...and the dashboard, the windshield, and the hood of the car too
My wife's fanny smells like roses.. But rose's is tighter.
I accidentally broke my cat's "best butt" award. It was a catastrophe.
How does Bran Stark enter a brothel? With a Hodor
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature? First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
IDEA: Ban fabric softener & harness the resulting static electricity to end dependence on foreign oil. You're welcome, Obama
I don't have "safe sex" ... ... because I have never been turned on by anything with a combination lock.
A man calls a tobacco shop ... Caller: Do you have Prince Albert in a can? &amp;nbsp; Clerk: Yes. &amp;nbsp; Caller: Well, let him out! &amp;nbsp;
Was Nor'easter Nemo an omeN? Cold day in Hell yesterday. Tomorrow, zombies.
They say you are what you eat... But I don't remember eating a legend!
Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery. Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? The canoe occasionally tips.
[movie night] Her: Can I pick tonight? Me: You picked last time and it was horrible Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Did you hear about the two men who were arrested for stealing a calendar? They each got six months
Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog... You know more about it, but now the frog is dead.
If you were born in Poland and are now taking a piss in England, what are you? European
How is a man and a 45 degree angle alike? Neither of them are ever right.
Why don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.
What starts with F and ends with UCK? Fuck
What's an "innuendo" ? An Italian suppository
My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men's line.
Auto-correct is the new... Is Auto-correct the new Freudian dick? Or Is Anal-correct the new Freudian slip?
What did the Dalai Lama say at the hotdog stand? Make me one with everything
Weird how Superman's an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Congrats everyone! my eldest son Glandon is now 240 months old and can phsyically overpower me even when grounded
Two fish are in a tank... One fish says to the other 'how the fuck do you drive this thing?'
Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.
My brother was in a car accident yesterday and lost his left arm and left leg. Well actually, he's not my brother... he's my half-brother. He's all right now.
Phew, don't have to think of a catchy title today Why is Monica so exited for the next Clinton presidency? This time she won't have to swallow.
Why couldn't Muhammad pick his wife up from childcare? Because Muslim girls can't go to school
Say, did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? No? Well, well, well.
Husband: What do you love most my  natural beauty or my body? Wife: Your sense of humor.
What do you call 5 black people on a plane? Niggas with altitude
How are gay men like tumbleweed? They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence post in Wyoming.
What did the audio visual cable say when it got 80% on its final? HDMI
"How much do you love me?" Count the stars in the sky and that's how much I love you "But it's so cloudy" *pats her on the head* Yeah I know
Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?
Did you know that West Virginia's state sport is sex? It's a game the whole family can enjoy!
Christmas Stuff [all] So what's up with all of the Christmas ads and it's not even Guy Fawke's day? Like who thinks of this stuff?
What do you call an amphibian in disguise? Infrognito.
Why did the monk hate the musician because he hated violins I made this up just now
I'll never forget the first time I had sex That's because I kept the receipt!
I'm going through a phase of categorizing my life in phases. I call this one my 'phase' phase.
What does ISIS call wine snobs? Zinfandels!!!!!!
Why do black people wear lots of chains? It's a habit that stuck from when they were slaves.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
Whats brown & sticky? A stick.
You know what I like about bathroom humor? It's funny shit!
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me] i am also free that day.
I like to go up to my wife's twin sister and say "i know what you look like naked"
Guy stole my identity this week and I'm like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
The other day I made some beer with a bunch of bunnies. It turned out very hoppy.
What's the difference between Tuna, a Piano, and a bottle of Glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
Key ring A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
What did the child with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.
My sex life is so bad... My wife and I 96.
The body burns a lot of calories digesting food. That's why I eat instead of exercising.
What's the best part about locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic? Plenty of coat hangers.
Songs with lyrics like, "We don't need sleep," why are you rebelling against naps? What are you--four?
How many times does it take for a woman on period to change a lightbulb? IT WILL TAKE THE TIME IT FUCKING NEEDS !!!
How does a Nazi high five? Up heil, down low!
I see your swag and I raise you a high school education.
Her: For once I'd like a man to just sweep me off my feet. Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn. L-O-L!
I walked into a bookshop Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?" Them "Hard back?" Me: "Yeah, with little heads"
Good jokes about ebola will most likely go viral
(Warning - Shitty Pun) What do you call a mentally-deficient louse? A *Retardigrade* &amp;nbsp; I'll see myself out now.
An Irishwoman gave birth to triplets and named them Nat,Pat and Tat. However when she tried to breastfeed them she found out there was no tit for Tat.
Why is it so difficult for Trump supporters to find a job? Because Russia banned LinkedIn
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? I didn't make an enzyme last night.
What do gifted bakers take in high school? AP Flour
Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking  I'm God When did this start? Well first I created the sun then the earth...
A bird just landed on Bernie Sanders' podium during a speech It's a shame it was just a bird and not 800 delegates
What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.
Punchline help needed Q: What do you call a bachelor party without strippers? A: (sorry if this is the wrong forum)
Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are? Me : Red?
Holocaust jokes are bad Anne Frankly I find them disgusting.
A mother moth was telling her baby moth off  saying "If you don't eat all your cotton you won't get any  satin."
Sorry I missed your funeral, but in my defense, you're not coming to mine.
A man drops his watch........ And he notices his dog is about to piss on it. The man says "Oh no you don't, not on my watch!"
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I am forever in your debt.
I called work and told them I have Anal Glaucoma... Just couldn't see my ass coming in today.
I have invented a new game. You lock yourself and 9 other friends in a house that has 2 bathrooms. You all then take a load of laxative and fight over the toilets. I call it 'Game Of Thrones'
2 in 3 people live next to a pedophile I don't, I live next door to two smoking hot 8 year olds.
Average jokes don't end how you think they... Median
Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh
What's the difference between your mom and a drug dealer? Your mom can wash her crack and re-sell it.
Dear Britain, This Brexit vote is all wrong If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war. Sincerely, America
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
What's the hardest part about roller skating?... Telling your dad you're gay.
(Corny)-What do you call a mermaid on a roof? Aerial
*sees a cat yawning* How the hell can you be tired?
What do you call a belt with a clock? A waist of time.
Trump, Pence, Bannon, Sessions, Pompeo, Flynn, Priebus, Tillerson. Not sure Trump knows this but traditionally, you only need 4 horsemen.
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence? For example : Mr.Walter is in a comma
Watson, Sherlock Holmes's faithful assistant, asked, "What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?" Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with Linkin Park But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I'll probably fall in love with it any minute
What do you call fake shit? Shampoo
What did the priest say before eating his salad? "Lettuce pray"
I'm Google AMA
Harry, it's your baby Said Professor Umbridge
I just drank some honey wine I'm feeling pretty buzzed.
What did the pissed off guy say when he landed in Thailand Phuk-et!
Either Narnia has really gone downhill or I'm just sitting in some guy's closet.
What's the most important part of making a Mexican joke ? Making sure that no Juan hears you.
I ask my friend in North Korea how he likes it there His exact words were... "I can't complain" Must not be all that bad there.
Q: What is the most military day of the year? A: March 4th.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
What's it called when two female scientists have sex for the first time? A double slit experiment
How do I know you're not John Cena? I can see you
What's the difference between an flautist and a Porsche? Most members of the band haven't been in a Porsche.
I never could get into spanking as a fetish. But, you know, different strokes for different folks.
Dumbo is an unusual nickname for an Elephant But I guess naming my son Elephant wasn't very conventional either
I heard... ...terrorists are shouting "allahu akbar!" just out of habit while plugging their Samsung phones.
FBI: I can't unlock my phone Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache? FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood. Where are you dad?
I have a serious inflation fetish... So I moved to zimbabwe.
What's red, and bad for your teeth? A brick.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I'm dead and someone is wearing my skin
Why is poo tapered? So your arse doesn't slam.
Pokemon Go has taught us that there's a disturbing number of dead bodies just laying around everywhere
What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.
Two women want to form a project group... Turns out it was a real misfit.
The rotation of the earth. It really makes my day.
I once illegally parked my vechile at a Foot Fetishists Convention to grab some good next door My vehicle got toed.
Who ruled France until he exploded? Napoleon Blownapart!
A scientist tried to recreate the Chernobyl disaster using only transparent gases It was a new, clear reaction.
Are you a general? Because you make my privates stand at attention.
Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.
Sex is like a snowstorm... Sex is like a snowstorm: It's advertised a beautiful, in reality gets messy very quickly, and if you take 10" overnight you are *not* moving the next day.
Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier..........
[talking with ex] Me: Is he more boring than me? Her: He is. Me: *devastated* How could you?
@realDonaldTrump the 1930s called, they said "great idea."
A black man with a parrot on his shoulder walk into a bar... The bartender asks "Where did you get him?" The parrot said "Africa"
[Job interview] Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus? Interviewer: Holy shit
It's not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.
Q: What do little trees say on Halloween? A: Twig or treat.
What is the difference between a default subreddit mod and a radical feminist? Nothing.
What do English pirates call each other? M80
Wouldn't it be so cool if life had notifications like, *ONE NEW NOTIFICATION* Your boyfriend/girlfriend just cheated on you..
How does my bladder always know when I've found the most comfortable position in my bed?
I could care less about you but I'm still going to go through your entire wedding & 1st born childs photo album on Facebook. I hate myself
I used to work at a french fry stand I was way over quali**fried**
I like my bacon how I like my choice of copilot.... ....Chewie
What do you call a grumpy girl's desk? A periodic table.
A daughter asked her mother, "Mom, how do you spell 'scrotum'? Her mom replied, "Honey, you should have asked me last nightit was on the tip of my tongue."
Donald Trump Has Written a Few Books About Business... But they all end at Chapter 11.
Tit for tat My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, "Well Shona? Do you think you'll be next?" We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
People need to stop asking me about my 5 year outlook I don't have 2020 vision
Two gay men are having sex when a fire breaks out in their apartment. Who gets out first, the top or the bottom? The bottom-- he already has his shit packed.
Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender.
If I'm busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Chuck Norris once sneezed on a woman at the bank and got her pregnant
If I'm lying but not wearing pants, what catches fire?
What do you call a doctor who is trained in neurosurgery and is covering for a gynecologist? A pervert.
"Please don't put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends"  Every baby
A Muslim goes onto a plane ride I forgot the punchline but i'm pretty sure it ended with a bang.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everyone A bitch sleeps with everyone, except you
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant* Me to waiter: "Actually, do you think I could have a fork?"
I met a bisexual swing the other day It swung both ways.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
I just signed up for Comcast!
Doctor: "I'm afraid-" *Wife crying* "I'm afraid your husband is in a better place now." *cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
What's Nigel Thornberry's favorite band? The Smashing Pumpkins.
Maria Sharapova. True woman of substance.
What do you call someone who can't dance? A white guy.
Roses are red violets are blue, Some poems rhyme, This one does not.
A young girl accused of apostasy... (NSFW) Loves dick but prefers to eat pussy, She loves bacon with eggs, And would spread her legs, For anyone whose name lacked apostrophes.
Jesus dropped his cross for the 3rd time, and Simon of Cyrene said to him: "Do you even lift bro?"
Jealousy is something you're good at when you think you suck at everything.
What's the difference between a priest and acne... What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until you're 14 to come on your face.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How's work? You look great. You want some tea?
Charles Dickens walks into a bar He orders a martini. The bartender asks, "olive or twist?"
What did poseidon yell when he hit a solid wall while crusing a river Dam
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
I got tired of resetting all my clocks after all the power outages this week. Today I woke up at the crack of random, blinking time o'clock.
What does ebony porn have in common with space? Black holes.
Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas? ...because he was a moo-slim.
Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed.
I call my weed the Quran... because every time I burn it I get stoned.
Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment? It won't get better if you picket it.
Ethereal A breakfast suggestion from Mike Tyson
Why shouldn't you take away a hobos shit? It might be his lunch.
Don't make eye contact with me at McDonalds. We're both here for our own sad reasons.
If you rape a hooker/prostitute... is that actually shoplifting?
A black guy applied for a job at the LAPD He got shot down
When I get in a crowded elevator I can't stop myself from trying to guess everybody's weight.
I'll tell you what I know about dwarves Very little. I can say that. They look up to me.
What do you call a hydrocarbon that tells fart jokes? Crude Oil.
Whay does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
To Usain Bolt who stole my neon jacket You can run, but you can't hide
I can love my son and refuse to support his lifestyle... I raised him better than to game on a console.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast? Me: "Or"?
The blind hooker helped me a lot with my allergies She blew my nose
Felons would be a really valuable voting base... After all, we know they have conviction.
What kind of car does a ghost drive? A boogati!
They say 1 in 3 men are gay. I'm not gay, he's not gay...
I have the Anne Hathaway "It came true!" reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.
3 NoSql database admins went to a bar but came out immediately. Why? ... ... They could not find a table :P
Wanna hear a joke you don't tell an orphan? Knock knock. Who's there? Not your family.
my sister... My sister asked if I wanted to have sex, I said "well if you incest."
Want to hear this... *running* joke? Then you better go catch it!
What's the difference between a cow and the crucifixion? You can't milk a cow for 2000 years
What do you call a pickle on sale? A sweet Dill.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stops at three ho's.
There are two ways to trigger a nuclear chain reaction: ... The first involves hitting uranium with accelerated protons. The second is mentioning Hillary and Feminism in one sentence.
What do you call a Cadillac with a staircase on the back? An escalador.
Why are gay guys good helpers when moving? They know how to pack your shit.
CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it's the spirit of a loved one. I think that's my mom Me: that's nice. Your mom just shit on that guy
What word in the dictionary is always spelled wrong? Wrong.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal. Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
One tub of crisco. One body pillow. One box of condoms. One cashier. One wink. One awkward moment.
- What do we want? - A cure for ADD! - When do we want it? - Ducks. I liked a movie. I'm hungry.
You guys wanna hear a poop joke? No... I shouldn't tell it. It's too corny.
What's the difference between a bus stop filled with old people and a crab with boobs? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Amy Schumer's track record for great comedy is at an all time career high right now. Hope it doesn't end in a **Trainwreck**
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
At my mom's house. Just asked if we could record Dateline and she said she doesn't have a blank VHS tape and now my left arm is numb.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it's arrests & psych evaluations.
What do you call a white person on fire? A firecracker.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
How do you disappoint a redditor?
What do you tell a diabetic girl in bed? Hi sugar
Avocados by Dre. $79.99 each.
Why are divers always so nervous? Because they're always under pressure!
I went to the zoo and there was one dog in the whole zoo. It was a shih tzu
Why do Asains have small penises they don't like being 'rong'
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
[waffle house] Waitress: how do u like your eggs Me: hatched and with their families W: no how do u like them cooked M: [spits out coffee]
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs through your jeans.
Yesterday I gave my seat to a blind man Today I lost my job as a bus driver
What's the mean difference between normal sex and the act of necrophilia a. 16C b. 18C c. 20C
*Paper beats rock* *Paper beats eggs* *Paper beats his girlfriend* *Paper beats his three year old*
My favorite tree died earlier. Now I have mourning wood.
Church of Frugality: "Thank you for the food which we are about to receive. Ramen."
Once you've mastered being a surgeon... ... operating just become an exercise in patients.
My perennial favourites always seem to come back year after year.
Neighbor thinks I'm stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified! Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Burritos are just tacos that are shy.
Why did the gay choir boy die? He choked on his last hymn.
I think we already know what's at the center of No Man's Sky's Galaxy Disappointment.
I met a man whose feet were always asleep. I guess you could say he was comatoes.
true romantic: I wonder what they're like in bed (bath and beyond)
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
(Translated from my mother tongue) What does a man do when he wants to end a marriage passively? He tries finding the expiration date on the marriage cirtifficate
"Where's Waldo?" books become more thrilling if you think "Okay... Waldo's my brother and he's off his meds and will die if I don't find him."
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. - Yakov Smirnoff
How do you drown a hipster? ... you push him into the mainsteam
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.
What's do pot and pusssy have in common? You can tell the quality if you can smell it across the room.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese 42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Woman Tries To Trick Her Husband With A Letter To See If He Is Cheating http://thebuzzflare.com/woman-tries-to-trick-her-husband-with-a-letter-to-see-if-he-is-cheating/
Why Twitter deleted so many terrorist accounts recently? Otherwise they'd kill all the 140 characters.
What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints? an im-paw-ster.
A guy walks into a Barr... and Roseanne's like, "Hey! Watch where you're going!"
What's yellow comes from Peru and is  completely unknown ? Waterloo Bear Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin !
I know Taco Bell doesn't have "I hate myself" sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Why couldn't the Italian chef get into his restaurant? Gnocchi.
This creepy guy at work calls me "hun" despite knowing my real name so I've started calling him Mulan.
Two blondes walk into a building... You would think one of them would see the building coming.
What do a pizza guy and a gynecologist have in common? They both smell it but they can't eat it.
I like my women how I like my golf scores... Low 80's with a slight handicapp
How could they tell Amy Winehouse was dead? No, seriously. How could they tell?
I wish people would stop asking me where I think I'm going to be in 4 years... I don't have 2020 vision.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can't have both.
eer booze and fun!' 'Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
Most Viral Trend of 2014 Announced News just in: Most viral trend of 2014 formally announced: Ebola.
Similarities between Scruff McGruff's police force and Michael Vick? They've both got a dog fighting crime.
A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street. He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
If a deaf person gets arrested Does the officer still have to read them their rights?
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his arse
Fat chances are my favorite chances
What can you find between the toes of the African elephant? Slow Africans.
The importance of commas "Let's eat, grandpa!" said the incestuous cannibal
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
What did the hipster stoner call his marijuana pipe? Ira Glass
What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage? No, thanks, it's just carrion...
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
What do you feed a feminist at a cookout? Trick question. Nobody invites feminists to a cookout.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 
If men ejaculate semen does that mean women ejaculate sewomen?
Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time? Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: I signed you both up for Tinder *1 week later ME: You still want a divorce? THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Doctor Doctor I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio- Me: *raptor call* Groom: *raptor call* Guests: *chorus of raptor calls* *Bride gets devoured*
UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES 8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA 8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR 8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT 8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I'm afraid to go to sleep now.
Is Google male or female? Female - it doesn't let you finish a sentence before correcting you and making a suggestion.
Bastards in the north are called 'Snow', but what are bastards in the south called? "Your grace"
Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.
Velcro. What a rip off.
Where is Wallace at? Where is his oscar nomination?
Rosa Parks her ass on the bus seat
Wouldn't it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I never make New Year's resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add "This time I'm serious"
When dared to pull someone's finger, make sure you're not in a restroom & that it's indeed a finger you've been asked to pull.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you'd think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall* Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home Me: I'm sorr... *A sippy cup starts crying*
How do you get a Harvard Graduate off your porch? You pay him for the pizza.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.
My poem I dig... You dig... We dig... He digs... She digs... They dig... Now it's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
A man has been found guilty of overusing commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
Why are portraits of George Washington displayed in British bathrooms? Because nothing makes the British shit quicker than the sight of George Washington
Why would I go to a high school reunion? I have Facebook, I already know who got fat.
"My mom was a famous YouTuber." "How embarrassing." - the future
Is is best to do your homework on an empty stomach or a full stomach? It's best to do it on paper.
What is the difference between kinky sex and perverted sex? Kinky sex involves a feather, perverted sex involves the whole chicken.
What's black and eats pussy? Cervical cancer
What do male lawyers call a female barrister? A barista. Because they're only good for making coffee.
I don't discriminate among size guys. Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.
What do you call fans who take a trilogy way too seriously? Christians, Muslims, and Jews.
Why don't math majors like to drink alcohol? Because they don't like to drink and derive.
Waiting to see who sits next to you on a plane feels like the opposite of winning the lottery.
When I was young I would go and throw rocks at the man doing Taekwondo in the park I would always get a huge kick out of it
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I'm telling you to go to hell because I'm poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I like my women like I like my coffee... Cheap and bitter.
My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......
Billionaire: I'd like to do something about crime. Butler: Being poor, I've got some great ideas-- Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.
suicide joke. man #1: IM GOING TO JUMP (is going to commit suicide) (everyone is in shock) man #2: DO A FLIP
[hell] Me: Why am I here? Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.
Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink
Why couldn't little Johnny get the toy he saw on TV? His parents weren't 18 or older.
There are only two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
What did the gingerbread man say during sex? I'm gonna crumb!
Which Russian leader is always farting? Putin
*passes cop car with radar gun *stares in rear view mirror for next 3 days
What do you call a fat Chinese man? A chunk.
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy Gang Rape testing the water to see if I get referred to the local authorities also, inspired by someone else with a rape joke
Where does the Joker keep a record of his favourite shrubland areas? Heath Ledger.
Why is Hitler never invited to the BBQ'S? Because he is always burning the Franks
What do you get when you administer marijuana to cows? High steaks! (I'll just see my way out...)
Did you hear about the pirate captain selling cheap corn? It was a buccaneer.
What's a nuclear scientist's favourite food? Fission chips.
Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Why does Hitler has a red phone? To make Phone calls...
*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin* TWIN: she'll never find out about us ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy
Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called "I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to
Why were the treefrog's stories always so attention grabbing? Because he was absolutely ribbeting!
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
I like my science like I like my penises: hard.
If you rearrange the letters of Fat Tuesday it becomes Fatty as Due. I don't know what that means but as you can tell I'm really bored.
I made a Belgium waffle this morning, This afternoon I'm going to make a Frenchman talk nonsense.
The annual Procrastination meeting Has been postponed...
TO: Everyone who has been run over by a boat in Venice... ...my deepest gondolances.
I had an epiphany, every sentence is an innuendo, if I think long and hard about it.
What do you call a crocodile that can't have sex? A reptile dysfunction.
Knock Knock....who's there? SUPRISE MUTHER FUCKER!
Thanks for the glitter covered greeting card. I'll never forget this gesture because EVERY SURFACE IN MY HOUSE IS COVERED IN GLITTER NOW
Did you hear about Father Dickinson? He had to leave the church after being accused of incest and pedophilia
Q: Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon? A: He wanted to see stars during the day.
How does the Japanese Bee Say Hello to Other Bees Wassup bee
When does a joke become a dad joke? After the delivery (Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)
How can you tell if you're being persecuted by agnostics? You come home to find a question mark burned into your lawn.
Beer makes you stupid.... Budweiser too.
What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn? A right a right a right!
How many suh dudes does it take to change a light bulb? None, its already lit fam!
Why were Mary and Joseph considered such good businessmen? Because they produced such a great prophet.
"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Grandpa" "Wait, STOP THE FUNERAL!"
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Did you know that jewish people have a higher risk of getting a cavity? There saliva can be very Hassidic.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket only snatches people's watches. Credit Sanford and Son Edit: Statches
"That's funny" is a nice way of letting someone know it really wasn't.
I'm Finally Done Smoking My name was legally changed yesterday.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? because she'll let it go
Did you hear about the frog that wasn't good at parking? He had to get toad.
I saw a Russian eating a potato.. I said "Whoa! too soon". RIP M. Hedberg
What do you call a broken angle? A rektangle
What's black and can't swim? A microwave oven.
So i was banging a girl yesterday and she kept on saying another guys name... Who the fuck is rape?
Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer... He was conceived anally
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me" .
Cancer isn't so bad It'll grow on you
"Hey, will you join us in our street protest?" No thanks "Why not?" I actually love streets
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I hate when the cashier ask me " You doing alright today " when I'm buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Why don't lobsters share? Because they're shellfish...
I ran into Harambe for the first time in a while last night, so we decided to go get a drink. Bartender: what'll you have? Harambe: I'll have a beer. Me: no, he'll have a shot.
When you call a dog they usually come to  you. When you call a cat; they take a message.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you've ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter it wont come anyways
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Why was the skeleton using the Internet? To bone up on his schoolwork.
Isn't Twitter basically all NSFW since we all tweet while we're at work & hit the 'Close Tab' button like a ninja when the boss walks by?
Why do churches ban Wi-Fi? Because they can't compete with an invisible power that actually exists
Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway...polite or the ultimate shade?
I accidentally stabbed myself with a pen It drew blood.
What kind of investments do musicians make? Sound investments.
I was gonna tell you about anal But fuck it
Just got back from the Czech Republic... ...it was Prague-ably the best trip of my life
Its easier to be friends with people online.
Camera Joke Nikon
I'm not a great lap dancer, I've got two left cheeks.
What did the cannibal ask for in his burrito? Human beans
Who has to always be on there toes? A midget at a urinal.
Golfer: "Caddy do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play sir it's a sin any day of the week!"
Two whales walk into a bar... The first whale says oooOOOOoOooOOoOoooOOOOoOoOOOooooOo The second whale says: "Karl you're drunk!"
I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[SPOILERS]What was the main difference between the scripts for 'The force Awakens' and 'A new Hope' ? The title.
Whenever you're feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there's people that pay money to exercise.
[mall] Me: That guy looks SO familiar! Wife: ... M: Maybe an actor? Musician? W: ... M: I'll get an autograph! W: He's our mailman, moron.
Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I'm going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.
Daddy, is Santa coming tonight? No sweetie, mommy has a headache.
Hair on the muff They are old enough
What do you call a thieving duck? A robber duck....
A man stormed into my barbershop, claiming he'd gotten fleas from coming here... So I checked. Just as I suspected, it was all lice.
A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?
Last night I had a horrible nightmare about Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid; I was petrified.
How does a tree access the internet? It logs on.
Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My son came to my crying today and said, "Dad, when you are at work, Uncle Dave touches me." Couldn't believe it.. My own son... A fucking snitch
When a spambot tells you to click a link to take an IQ test, that *is* the IQ test.
Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands because Confucious say many hands make light work.
Have you heard about the new Emo pizza? It cuts itself!
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
The Buddhist idea of Nirvana literally translates to "Blown Out" Typically in reference to something like a candle, but occasionally to Kurt Cobain's brains.
Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... ...but enough about Kanye West.
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walk into a bar... Bartender says, "what'll it be Ted?"
I'm really impressed with the enthusiasm of the workers getting Qatar ready for the World Cup They're dying to get the job done.
How do you know when you're watching too much porn? Your MILF tells you so.
A young boy speeding way above speed limit. He got pulled over by a cop. Cop:"I've been waiting all day to catch someone like you." Boy:"I know sir, I got here as fast as I could."
Shakespear's hip hop stage name Will.i.ambicpentameter
Two blind man at a cinema: "Can you see  something ?" "No". "Then let's go in front !"
you know what kind of shoes chickens wear? Reebok bok bok
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword
Why did the superhero make a lot of shredded cheese? It was for the grater good.
Ten years from now mankind will be illiterate, and we'll only communicate through pictures of our breakfasts.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date] "so, what's your favorite part of a banana?"
What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle ? A tire.
My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
Breaking news... The news truck has split in half, our traffic report website is down, and the studio seems to be having trouble with this sound system.
I was gonna make a gay joke. Butt fuck it.
Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson's Black Cat blew your Grandma's pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.
I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue. My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!
I have a roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers. We are maid for each other.
If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried about mad cow disease?" "Not at all," says the other, "I'm a helicopter."
I don't ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I'm followed by someone with "my Lord and Savior" in their bio.
Did you hear about the village idiot  buying bird seed? He said he wanted to grow some birds.
"Please go to voicemail. Please go to voicemail. Please go to voicemail." - me making a phone call
Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers? They're all about force projection.
What do you call a blood-thirsty optometrist? Macula.
My wife says she's leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants. Won't be needing them anymore then.
what's your best joke involving or being about germans? Just a German who wants to laugh.
There are 10 types of people.... ....who understand binary: * The one who does * The one who doesn't
So a priest and a kid walk into the forest The kid says to the priest, "wow, im pretty scared." the priest says, "your scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
What do you call a french organized crime detective? J'accuza
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don't know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week... There was no coffin at the funeral.
Top 10. jokes about mods and admins 1. [removed] 2. [removed] 3. [removed] 4. [removed] 5. [removed] 6. [removed] 7. [removed] 8. [removed] 9. [removed] 10. [deleted]
It's like these birds don't even know that it's the crack of fuck on a mother fucking Saturday morning.
What do you call an egoistical sea animal? Selfish
Well Done to Barack Obama... The first Black man to hear the words 'four more years' without them being spoken by a Judge during a parole hearing.
Q: What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan? (Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end
I drive a 5 wheeler... But ones in the trunk
You know you're wrong... when YouTube commenters start agreeing with you.
Did you guys hear about the new porno about the Gorilla? It's called Harambe's Out for Dicks
A humorous joke to say on January 1st, "I haven't had sex since LAST year!" When really it's only been 21 years, 3 months and 18 days.
What do you tell a jew to shut up? Sssshhhhhh
It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine
What is harder said than done? Your mom
What do you call a kid with an eyepatch and no limbs? Names.
I just heard a guy arguing with his oven. Things got pretty heated.
Prisoner: You inked Me: *thinking about my "I hate prisoners" back tattoo* No why
Why did the Italian get thrown out of the hotel? He said "I wanna two sheet onna the bed".
I hate tacos Said no Juan ever.
When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I'm sad, they only say "Oh sorry" or "Well that sucks".
You can spray tan a baby if you want to, it's not illegal.
Did you hear about the cliff in Helen Keller's backyard? Neither did she.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath. The walls, too. Yup, and ceiling.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.
How tall are the twin towers? 9" 11
Have you heard that there's a new  mountain website? Really? I must take a peak at it!
What did one toilet roll say to another toilet roll? People keep ripping me off.
What do you call a limp and deaf dog? By it's name if it has one
Where do Chinese people find work? On ChinkedIn of course. (I know the pun is racist but I had to share. Sorry.)
I always choose a political party with good snacks. Wait, that's how I choose a house party. And it's a dumb way to choose a house party.
What kind of venereal disease does a Stormtrooper get? An AT-STD.
Sound produced by group of mathematicians working together That's the sound of the men working on the chain rule
Thinking about opening a lingerie shop for plus size women ....... Gonna call it KING THONG
Fred: We had a burglary last night and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But I turned myself around.
I lost my job as a waiter Apparently, I had insulted an infamous mafia boss by taking away his plate. He told me he was Don
What kind of music do cows listen to? (dadjoke) MOOOOOsic.
Bolt beats De Grasse in 200m because he's Jamaican You could even say Bolt smokes De Grasse.
Man has sex with a can of beans. He was porkin' beans.
I bought a book yesterday: "101 Uses For Binary". However, when I got home I was very disappointed to find it only contained five.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!
BRAAAAIDS -zombie sleepover
The mass murderer has an inspirational poster on his wall. "Can't spell 'slaughter' without 'laughter'"
What do you call it when a girl named "Sandy" Punches someone? Sandy hook.
How can you tell if someone's a vegan? Oh don't worry, *they'll tell you*.
"Roses are grey, violets are grey, cars are grey, red is grey, all this shit is just grey"-guy failing a color blind test.
If Bon Jovi had the 'power to turn back time', he'd go back to when he was relevant & not doing Direct TV Commercials.
What did the fish skeleton say? Long time, no sea.
Why did the H kill itself? because the G had
What do sea monsters like to eat? Fish and ships
I've got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
What's the difference between a stingy neighbor and a cheap prostitute? One nickels and dimes you for screws while the other screws you for nickels and dimes.
What's a Mexican's favourite video game? Borderlands.
What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Phelps can finish a race
Brunos are from mars, freddies are from mercury
Jesus wouldn't have been good at Twitter He would've only had twelve followers.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
What is an extremist's favourite thing to have sex with? A blow up doll
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Why are do gays always get to the airport early. They get their shit packed the night before.
Native Americans watch the movie 1492 backwards because they want to see a happy ending.
What did the lawyer say to the sovereign citizen when asked for legal counsel? **Am I being retained?** **Am I being retained?**
I wanted to make a joke about Sodium, but Na.
Why can't a storm trooper get a girl pregnant? Because they always miss their target!
Did you hear they discovered a soda cavemen drank? It's a carbon dated beverage... Good jokes are good
Why was the robber so secure? He was a safe robber.
What did the Pirate say on his 80th Birthday? Aye Matey!
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew? You have to sit at the back of the oven.
Who do Canadians call when their car breaks down? Triple, eh?
What's the difference between "choice" and "choose?" "Choice" is your ability to make decisions, "choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
Where do cowboys cook their meals? On the range.
Anyone know any good optometry jokes? All the ones I know are cornea.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
You really only have 2 options: 1. You can be miserable bc you're fat 2. You can be miserable bc you're hungry
What's a buffalo's favorite activity? Grazing.
Hahaha - Very Funny Joke Boy: I sent love letters to my girlfriend everyday for 3 years. Friend: Then what happened? Boy: Nothing finally She married the postman.
What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride? An I-shoulda-pede.
A kiss can make your day Anal can make your hole weak
Why did the boy stare at his orange juice for so long? Because it said, Concentrate.
I'm going to post an original joke on r/jokes.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? A: I'm bigger than you!
What's a pirates favorite letter? *arrrrrrr?* you'd think that but it's actually P, because with out it they'd just be irate.
Why is there so much "twang" in Country music? It is the sound a guitar makes after six or seven generations of inbreeding.
How do they play basketball in Mexico? Juan on Juan
Why is Lance Armstrong a good citizen? Because he is always recycling
I met my girlfriend on 11/1/14... But it's now 12/31/15. She's destroyed my KDA this game.
When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games? The Wii hours of the morning.
Why do we have Martin Luther King Jr. Day off? So the black people will not be the only ones skipping school.
A slice of ham and a slice of cheese walk into a bar They ask the bartender for 2 beers. "Sorry we don't serve food here" replied the bartender.
Fair Vs Unfair If someone is fair skinned does it imply if they are darker it's unfair?
There are two kinds of people that I hate... 1.) Those who can never seem to form a complete thought.
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.
It must have been awesome in a world without saggy tits back before Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.
How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes nine years.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 Aye Matey!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Why would Pinocchio make a bad criminal? He wasn't cut out for this.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note. Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train? Because it went straight pasta!
What's the best way to work your trapezius muscles? *shrugs*
TIL: The guy who invented the toothbrush plays the banjo in his spare time. Anyone else would have called it a teethbrush.
Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.
This morning, 2 evangelists knocked on the door selling Jesus. If they would've thrown in a Slap Chop, I would've been sold.
Rednecks can't describe large areas as expansive... Listeners will just wonder why they paid so much for it.
What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg? Irene.
My girl asks why I love chocolate so much. Well, I have several Reisens...
What do you call an anorexic blonde with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese !
I'll sleep when my iPhone's dead.
How do you sink a norwegian submarine? You knock on the door. How do you sink the same sub again? You knock on the door and they'll come out saying "Haha! We're not falling for that one again!".
Me: "You didn't tell me that." Them: "Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone." Me (looks up): "I'm sorry, what?"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because the P is silent!
I was watching FOX Sports, but decided to switch to the History Channel... You still get to see the US destroy Japan, but there are fewer commercials! Edit: grammar
Dear Car Companies, Please replace glove compartments with toaster ovens.
Since Ghandi walked barefoot, and ate a diet giving him bad breath, he was... A super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis!
If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather  what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn't understand. I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.
In a job interview "Name?" "JJoon Sttutuartt" "Again please" "JJoon Sttutuartt" "Sir, are you a stutterer?" "No, my father stuttered, and the civil servant was an asshole"
What happened to Voldemort's face? Nobody nose.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don't freak out
How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...
What did "O" said to "Q"? "Dude, your *thing* is hanging out"
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey..... But then I turned myself around.
Q: What do you say when a dog runs away? A: Dog-gone!
Last time I went through Canadian customs and they asked me if I had anything to declare, I said, "You guys make great maple syrup!"
If we've learned one thing from this whole Ray Rice ordeal, it's that... ...you should always take the stairs.
My business portfolio is a cigarette butt inside an empty beer bottle.
Gravity 0/5: Worst Space Jam sequel ever. Literally no basketball.
Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh? Meat hes a butcher.
Why did the miner feel so low? He was in a deep depression.
Study indicates Percussion as cause of Hard Drive failure. Whacked Drives Shatter...
What's the most popular religion for addicts? the Crystal Methodists
Why are titties like toy trains? They are meant for children but daddy likes to play with them, too.
Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Apparently not.
What do you call Figrin D'an's first born boy? Son of a Bith!
My dick is like an anchor... If it extends, I'm not going anywhere until it retracts.
"Can I maim myself with it?" - my toddler's mental checklist before deciding to play with something
So my girlfriend told me her dog ate some tampons... I told her to call the vet, maybe they can pull some strings.
I'm beginning to believe that my road worker friend is a kleptomaniac.. So I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back so I asked him to move.
What is a pirate? /t
Whats the best part of having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy? Because he wanted to look mptnt
What should you do if a vampire borrows your  comic? Wait for him to give it back.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday. On the front it says, "I Will do Anything For Love" ..and on the back it says, "But I Won't do That."
My new mixtape is called GPA... And it's about to drop
Autopsy confirms George Michael choked on a chocolate bar It was a Careless Whisper
How a girl insults another Girl1: In my hand is your virginity. Girl2: But there's nothing on your hand! Girl1: Exactly.
If I'm ever in a coma, don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Visiting Child House I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face. Parents can be real jerks...
Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don't know karate 3) Rob them
Knock knock, interrupting cat (warning, do NOT tell joke in busy public areas) Knock knock Who's there?  Interrupting cat   Interrupting ca...    MMEEAAOOWW
What's the difference between a black man and a park bench? A park bench can support a family.
How many states of matter are there? 5: solids, liquids, gases, plasma, and black lives
What do you call a psychic dwarf running from the law? A small medium at large
My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances Well, she's in for a shock
I told my mom that I have an Oedipus complex. She asked if I was serious. I told her, "Nah, I'm just fucking with you."
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Boxing is dead as... Mayweather's wife if she talks back again.
I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid. It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.
What's the best thing to do with a thimble? Bang it with a drum-thtick!
One time, Chuck Norris had sex with a hooker in a truck, and some semen got on the seat... The truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
I'd like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer
"Risky Star" What kind of a star can be risky? . . A shooting star!
I wonder how Beaker from the Muppets came to work at Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's laboratory. Is he just there as a college intern, or is he a graduated beaker?
Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, "excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?"
what did the prostitutes knee say to the other one? nothing, they have never met!
Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back? She crawled across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Local mom loses 190 pounds with this one simple trick! She sold my weight set at the damn garage sale.
What's green and turns red at the push of a button? A frog in a blender.
Yo Mama so fat... Yo Mama so fat , you can see what's behind her !
My Jr High teacher makes me have sex with her while her husband watches, but that's not the worst part. ....I'm homeschooled.
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
My alarm clock isn't in a good mood... It just went off on me
I'm going to pay a stranger to cut my head hairs. This is normal and I'm normal for doing it
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone And then it dawned on me
Women's genitals are a lot like a shed roof If you don't nail it hard enough it will end up next door
Knock, knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interup.....MOO!
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds.
"I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him."-Nobody in Assassin's Creed
Why are Jews so good in school? They were taught how to concentrate well.
How do you overcome tyrannical pancakes? U syrup 'em
What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose, i will sit in the corner now.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Name two tennis stars who are famous in the hamburger world? Bjorn Borger and Billie Jean-o's Burger King!
It's pronounced like "jif." Yeah, well I don't gif a fuck.
It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
A man goes to prison and his cell mate asks "are you going to be mummy or daddy?" "ahh...daddy" the man replies nervously. "fine. Now get over here and suck mummy's cock!"
What word is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly. I'll see myself out.
Why did the pony have such a hard time talking? He was a little horse
Today a man knocked on my door and asked me to make a small donation to the local swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant???? #RT
My friend Sid was a victim of ID theft. Now he is known as S.
[1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?
First guy to do anal was very popular... He was much sod after.
My daughter kept begging me to get her a new toy, so I went to a store and got a bunch of lego for her To this day, I am surprised that the store accepts kids as payment
why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack
Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds." Me: "So how does that make you feel?"
What did the cow wear to the football game? A Jersey.
Batman's parents....... or not. Guy: Hey, I just saw them. Batman: Who? Guy: Not your parents. Batman: Y U DO THIS??? Guy: Because they told me to. Batman: Who told you to? Guy: Not your parents.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My girlfriend likes it from behind while she's smoking a blunt. Snoop Doggy style.
Never Marry A Tennis Player Love means nothing to them.
I've decided to be outraged about straws too flimsy to punch through their own wrappers. Time to blog.
Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to come to my door.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed* "Sure hope this works" *wakes up in the middle of the night* *Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher* "YES"
MY NEIGHBOR CAT MITZI JUST LET ME PET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2 YRS NOTHING ELSE MATTERS RIGHT NOW ONLY MITZI & I EXIST
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brendan ! Brendan who ? Brendan an ear to what I have to say !
What do you call a seamstress who makes things up? A *fabric*ator. It was a slow day at work...
Non-Americans won't get this. Obesity
I deleted all of the Germans off my phone. Its Hans-free.
Why the patriots deflated 11 balls out of 12? because they knew the "12" will be deflated during/after Superbowl.
Q: Why couldn't the shoes go out and play? A: They were all tied up.
Judging by the mess in the living room. Babies don't bounce.
Beer foam is the opposite of memory foam.
A friend of mine told me he hated Smash Mouth... I told him he might as well be walkin' on the sun
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round.......and laughed and laughed and laughed.
When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt. I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.
A fascist walks into a bar.. he orders 1 strong liter.
What do you call Chinese woman with one leg? Irene.
Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey had kids together... But the children were clones of Mr. Grey because he had all the dominant genes.
What do you call an epileptic in the garden? Seizure salad
RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.
So crap that it's good (I hope) Whats white and cant climb trees? A fridge -_-
[creates anti aging pill] Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have *I scribble out 'give to puppies'* Yeah absolutely
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
LPT: Dont buy French bread You will get nothing but Pain
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I really hate those russian stacking dolls. They are so full of themselves.
Doctor: are you sexually active? Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Rick Astley will give you any of his pixar movies except one... His SAG preview copy of Inside Out. It would be unethical for him to share that copy while it's still in theaters.
The word "methamphetamine" looks like it was written by somebody using it.
Why are librarians so shy? Their occupation makes them very shelf conscious.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad
*National Spelling Bee Final - Spell cyclops. - Use in a sentence. - Cyclops have one eye. *winks at audience - C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
The Neverending Story should've just been called Laundry.
"I'm dreaming about mashed potatoes" Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow "No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual"
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just kick the shit out of the room for being black.
Two condoms are walking down the street... ...they pass a gay bar and one turns to the other and says, "wanna go in there and get shitfaced?"
I'd like to schedule a disappointment.
I met the guy who invented window sills... What a ledge!
Q: How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child? A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.
So a waste depository is where you put the waste you never want to see again... And /r/funny is reddits largest humour depository.
[to a straight couple] Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My girlfriend told me to stop singing Oasis... I said maybe.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Why doesn't a skeleton fall in love with a human. maybe it's Because the skeleton doesn't have a heart.
What did the left leg say to the right leg? Dont talk to the middle leg he is a dick.
You gotta wet it first, doesn't work dry. The wetter the better. -whistling you perverts
So I fucked this bitch the other night. She started to get real clingy, so I asked my buddy for some advice. He said, "Yeah man, golden retrievers can be like that sometimes."
Professor X walks into a bar &gt;:)
I should really stop writing "lol" after "exercise" on my to do lists.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.
I took a bus in Thailand And I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl. All I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection"... but she did.
Why did Florence Welch sing 'Sweet Nothing'? Because she was out of lemo-nada. It's okay guys, i'll let myself out...
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean!
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
What did 0 say to 8 ? Nice belt!
One out of five dentists has the courage to speak their own mind
Guys, if you forget your girl's birthday, just look into her eyes and say, "I love you." Then run, because that is not going to help.
They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good - they just couldn't get a decent wi-fi signal.
A woman gave birth to triplets. She named them Tim, Tom, and Tat. Unfortunately at feeding time there was no tit for Tat.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
How many kids does Adrian Peterson have? More than you can shake a stick at
The punchline is "because he was trying to make ends meat." You make up the joke. Let's see what you got.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet... so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Caesars
What do drunk female pirates like to give up? DA BOOTY!
Volvo was rated the safest car in America in '94. That's why Kurt Cobain had one, he didn't want to kill himself.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work at 39: ...finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano '98 olympic pins
What is your favourite type of birthday present? Another present!
Whats the difference between a good joke and Bad joke timing
I paid $600 to get off once Damn court costs.
Trump didn't lie when he said Mexico was going to pay for the wall... by securing his win, Mexico will start building to keep the Americans out of their country.
There's an Irishman, a Jew, and a homosexual standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
What is the most dangerous color? Sharktreuse
What does a communist prostitute do? Seizes the means of reproduction
Why did the condom fly across the room? It was pissed off.
What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs who's rolling down a hill? Rick O'Shay.
Worst Possible Baby Name: Adolf Judas Kardashian.
Mountains are not funny. They're hill-areas.
There's a new movement against cutting in line. Now that's a movement I can get behind!
Son: Dad, why is my sister's name Florence? Dad: Because we conceived her in Florence, Italy. Son: I guess that's a nice way of naming your kids. Dad: Yeah, Backseat, it is.
Lets try it once A husband asks his wife to try anal...she says, Ohhhh that reminds me with the school days.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
A recent study shows most Americans like to have sex on days that begin with T Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow
Ever since the wife and I bought a water bed, we've drifted apart.
I'm not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he's just eaten a candy cane.
Today is a 10/10 day guys 10/10/2015
What was the name of the lumberjack in Al-Quaida? Osama-Been-Loggin'
I had an omelette with FIVE different types of mushroom this morning. It truly was a Breakfast of Champignons.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don't have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
When is the one time when no doesn't mean no? When a woman rejects feminism.
Oh, you're a fan of The Chainsmokers? Name 3 chains they've smoked
Pansexuals are like teenagers They eat whatever is in front of them
I've found a great 24-hour Indian restaurant It's my favorite nonstop naan-stop
Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
What would albert einstein's name be if he was blonde? Nobody would know
Oh you're a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I'm a foodie but I'm also a breathie. Love to breathe.
People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
TIL: Norwegian women are so hot, because vikings only took the most beautiful women as prisoners. Gotcha ?
In honor of the 30 year anniversary of the Challenger explosion. What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
What do you call a black, seafaring plunderer? Pirate. Unless you're a clever racist, then you might've said "nigarrr".
How many people can ride on a bird? Toucan.
I was driving home today and got stuck behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Be an organ donor!"... They were doing 20 in a 30. I guess they aren't feeling that committed to the cause.
Some random guy on the street turned me into a bottle of tequila which rather annoyed me. I hate when people Patronize me
My girlfriend just told me, I'm sorry I am married.
You do not count as a person if it's 75 degrees & you're wearing a wool beanie.
Why did Sally fall off the swings? Because she had no arms. Knock knock... [who's there] Not sally
Why did the T-Rex fail his business project? He couldn't make hands meet.
I fell sick today when I wore crocs... I am Lacoste intolerant.
Customs Police: Do you have anything to claim? Me: A hot dog is a sandwich. Cop: "Please step out of the vehicle"
What does Mike Tyson eat after a long time on twitter? Tweets of course! ....and then your family.
Why do girls have to get periods? Why can't Mother Nature just text us and be all like "yo bitch, you ain't pregnant. Catch ya next month homegirl".
You hear lots of jokes about white sugar, but you hardly ever hear them about brown sugar, demerara.
Don't hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I'm 100% straight So straight I don't even like touching my own dick to masturbate. My friend Dave does it for me.
How come Barbie never got pregnant? Ken always comes in a different box.
Why is Santa's sack so large? He only comes once a year.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
What's something that some people don't get about jokes with sexual innuendo? That it's a fucking joke.
What insect lives on nothing? Moths, because they eat holes.
Why did the foreigner vote for Trump? He heard he would get to watch the inauguration on a plane
A Jedi Knight was singing Livin' On A Prayer. It was Obi Wan Bon Jovi
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn't get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
They say sex burns as many calories as running 5 miles.... WHO THE HELL RUNS 5 MILES IN 30 SECONDS !!!
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off, who was left?
My Friend is too smart My Friend said that Onion is the only food that can make You cry. I threw a Coconut at his nose. I know I am smart :D.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
People are like slinkys... ... they're no fun to look at but when you push em down the stairs you cant help but smile.
Can women really make you a millionaire?? The answer is YES only if you are already a billionaire
Why were the two managers sitting around  sketching crockery before the start of the game? It was a cup draw!
Did you hear about the monster who had twelve arms and no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.
One of my friends recommend circumcision It wasn't all it was cut out to be
What do you call a mouthwash for tiny scientists? Microscope
What was the top item on Hitler's grocery list? Concentrated Juice.
First time I saw a dry erase board I said thats "remarkable"
Remember that time I made that funny joke? Me neither.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he'd get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My grandpa told me that "your generation relies too much on technology." I responded with, "No, your generation relies too much on technology." Then I unplugged his life support.
See You Next Tuesday What's furry on the outside.. Wet on the inside.. Starts with a C... Ends with a T... And has U &amp; N in-between? A coconut!
Scientists announce porpoises are second to man in intelligence levels. So that pushes women down to third place. Sorry
The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
What do yo call a gay dinosaur that's a transgendered bottom? Trannysoreass!
There are now 3 undefeated cat teams in the NFL! The Panthers, the Bengals and the Cheetahs.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
What did Leonardo DiCaprio say when he planted a seed? Inception
Waiter! Oh Waiter! Yes, I`d like to know if I have earned any CashBack Reward`sTM with the purchase of my farm fresh miniature cucumber plate
Hospital When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."
Two fish are in a tank... the first fish says to the second... "You man the guns, i'll drive!"
Why did the Libertarian cross the road? "None of your damn business. Am I being detained?"
Who let the docs out? Google. Google docs.
I'd like a little pussy... This guy says to a girl he'd been chatting up "I'd like a little pussy!" She replied, "me too...mine's as big as a house!"
I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.
I like my men how I like my coffee, Inside of me.
If bad Russian puns were worth a Nikolai would be rich.
Do you know what I call my hiking playlist? My trail mix
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE  A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
What's Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd Album? The Dark Side of the Moon... What a filthy casual.
Thanks to Bruce Jenner, they're changing the name of the male-to-female sex change surgery. They're now going to call it the Dick-Off-A-Lon.
My daughters weren't paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.
What's the cheapest type of meat Deer balls. They're under a buck.
"You're what you eat" So say hello to your new Mum ;)
My gym teacher said get in line or ill tip a cow. i asked "how much money are you gonna tip the cow?"
Ugly Joke You're so ugly that you make ropes hang them self so they dont have to look at you
So... A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I don't understand why people can't just check their kids at the airport with the rest of their baggage.
My bunny died. Now he's just some bunny that i used to know....
Everytime I play Monopoly I get this dad joke. http://imgur.com/bbMl41W
What's the best song for a threesome You've got a friend in me.
Come on, Grandma! Thank goodness for commas.
I hate when I'm getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says "my thumbs hurt." It's not like I ever say "My jaw hurts." I finish the job.
What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed? Sheet
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they have to do it during dinner.
Why is gay marriage an issue? Because people are fucking assholes.
What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? Glue.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Did you hear about the guy who ate so many creole sausages that he had a fatal heart attack? They were his andouille-ing. [I'll see myself out...]
What is Snoopy's favorite Japanese dish? Snushi.
What did the perverted sauce say to the Chinese Ribs? .. I'm only Peking.
Two satellites get married The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
Who's driving the car? Theres a muslim a mexican and black guy in a car, whos driving?.. **The cops**
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
What do you get when you win a theological debate with a muslim? Death threats.
What's the fastest way to drive through Louisiana? Drive the route with Les Miles! ... I'll see myself out.
I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.
I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.
I used to be in to S &amp; M, Necrophilia, and Beastiality... But then I realized I was beating a dead horse.
"This is not a drill!" ~Guy holding a hammer.
What do you call a pessimistic melon? A cantaloupe
The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false...
Didn't want cats ... had 2 cats. Didn't want marriage ... got married 2 times. Ok Karma ... I'm on to you. I don't want a million dollars
When I see battlestar gallactica, I feel this! Cylons are bunch of mean girls.
Here at the Klingon Hairdressing Institute It is a good day to dye.
Forty minutes before we get to the first sex scene in Fifty Shades Of Grey? They do beat around the bush...
Did you hear about the butt fetishist who finally convinced his girlfriend to peg him? It made his hole weak.
Someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds Poor bastard.
Upvote this if you're in North Korea! ....wait....
Bestiality is like prescription drugs... May cause internal bleeding, shortness of breath, abdominal pain, infection, diarrhea and in extreme cases, could be fatal.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper
What does a priest get when he wants pussy? Nun
Internet Explorer
What do you call a camel without humps? Humphrey
What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk.
Wow, busy day for Donald Trump. Tomorrow he'll probably ban dogs from homes, end Star Wars, put spiders in every shower and outlaw dreaming.
Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.
Obama see title
I bought some green apples about a week ago I can't believe they're still not ripe
New idea for Mythbusters: Find an honest politician.
Dark humor What is green and turns red, when you press the button? A frog in a blender
Does anyone else have a really hard time having a conversation on a carousel? I always feel like I'm talking in circles.
Have you heard about the new movie, "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife? He didn't either.
What do you call a reptile that's good with directions? A Navigator
Exit signs. They are on their way out.
Why was the potato chip angry? Because he was salty Edit: im so sorry.
What do you call a hooker who works for spaghetti? A pastatute!
My cousin found his dad's Viagra, took a handful of the pills, and is now in the hospital... ...with third-degree burns on both of his hands.
Two jews walk into a bar. They buy it.
I always go the extra mile, which is why my friends don't let me drive
My favorite way to ruin a romantic evening is by coming out of the bathroom naked and singing Love Boat until the waiter asks us to leave.
"Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed", reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.
What does Bill Clinton say to Hilary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minutes
Stress? Don't talk to me about stress. Some of my favorite TV characters are currently in truly sticky situations
Just saw a French band perform Livin' On A Prayer. I think it was Bonjour-vi.
My friend told me I didn't know the meaning of 'ironic', which was ironic because we were at a train station.
I don't need a stable relationship, I just need a stable internet connection.
Is that a booger in your nose? No, it's snot.
If there are 2 things I hate they're... Incomplete lists.
What's green, white, and orange and only appears once a year? Irish pride
If they made a movie starring the Loch  Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws what would the movie be called? Loch Jaws.
Funny teacher responses to "Can I go to the bathroom?" Forget the classic "I don't know, can you?"
What do you call a fish with no eye's? a fsh
Where does a mansplainer get his water? From a well, actually.
I woke up this morning to the maid beating on my door So I finally let her out.
What did the lonely hedgehog get at the sex shop? A pinecone.
Florist: "Would you like your flowers wrapped?" Me: "Nope, they're going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law."
I'm really good at fighting.... I won my last fight by 100 metres
What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Getting the wheelchair in the pot.
12 out of 12 bakers agree, there should be one more baker in this study.
Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.
Dude got his foot cut off, poor guy had to give up drinking milk. He lacked toes.
What do you call a female sex change? An add-a-dick-to-me.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she's calling the cops!
We're choosing the paleontology exhibit over church because Jesus died for our sins but dinosaurs died for our Hummer.
My dog kept digging holes in the back yard... ..so I hide all the shovels
My girlfriend wanted to use a protractor during sex... but I told her graphing paper is where I draw the line.
Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who got stabbed? Um what's her name? Blonde girl, Reece someone .... "Witherspoon?" No, no. It was with a knife.
What do crocs and getting a blowjob from a guy have in common? They both feel great until you look down and realize you're gay.
What is the 100% guaranteed way to get younger looking skin? Believe in reincarnation.
What an age we live in... ... when a family of billionaires moves into government subsidized housing previously occupied by black people.
When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is
New Year New Joke Friend: Where do you see yourself in 4 years? Me: I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
the numa numa man just bougt a $70million house and im here at the library trying to photocopy a fruit roll up
What's the first place Dora explored? The mexican border.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I'M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
If you're straight, you shouldn't look for lovers in the sea I heard they're algae
In last night's debate Rick Santorum said "I can win blue states" bwahahahahahahhahahha
Hello? I'd like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four........ty-seven.
I don't like playing Uno with Mexicans... They always steal the green cards ...
What was the most privileged region conquered by Julius Caesar? Cis-Alpine Gaul.
What did the sophisticated cow say in response to another cow's joke? "That was very amoosing"
I made a line of soda called Bad Wifi It's not doing so well, everyone keeps saying it isn't refreshing.
Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.
How do clams communicate? A shell phone!
"Dad why do your penis look so different from mine?" "Because mine is hard."
Once i thought i was wrong. But I was mistaken
What do you say to a one legged hitch hiker hop in
Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter? They sound like shit.
"chill before serving" is the best advice I can think of if you're an angry waitress
I once asked my girlfriend if she was a newspaper. Because there's a new issue with her every fucking day.
Why do white people have bigger dicks than asians? Because they're caucasian.
What's a redneck's favourite vegetable? Pump-kin.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"
How do you dispose of a human body Wait this isn't Google
What was Bruce lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
I met a girl with 12 nipples today! Sounds fun.. Dozen tit
I'm the weakest in my Asian family They call me weak-Ling
Who let the dogs out? Bitches.
If H20 is on the inside of fire hydrants, what is on the outside? K9P.
What's big and hairy and climbs up the  Empire State Building in a dress? Queen Kong.
Husband: I'm going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax. Me: sounds awesome! H: Will you get them ready for me?
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Chernobyl Barbie ...glows in the dark
What do pigs drive? Pig-up trucks!
Christmas Jokes Q: Why was Missis Claus mad last night? A: Santa came early
When my kids get older I'm going to discourage them from drinking.This way if I need a liver I can just harvest one of theirs.
I come from a long line of people waiting to get in.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say "hello from the other side."
Me: "I'm so lonely." Microscopic organism: "Wow, I'm right here."
How does a lobster answer the phone?  Shello?
What do you call a sexy Muslim A ji-hottie!
Why do people cry when they are first born? 1. 100 million of your brethren have just died. Someone has to mourn for them. 2. Title: "first born" Can you be born a second time?
I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body 207, 206, 207, 206, 207......
My girlfriend asked me if I liked getting pissed on..... I said,"yes." She said,"urine for a treat."
What do you call Keanu Reeves when he served under Hitler? A Neo Nazi.
(: N poo Love, Australia.
What do you call a dead IS fighter WAS fighter.
What's the difference between a Piano and a Fish? You can tune a piano but you can't Tuna Fish!
I can sum up 2016 in four words Two thousand and sixteen
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words "Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!"
Why did little Jimmy cross the road? Because he wanted a good view of the front of a moving Porsche. RIP lil' Jimmy
What does a barista wear? A cap and chinos.
You can't run on a camping site... you can only ran because it's past tents
"Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"
What do you call the hair between your grandmas boobs? Her vagina...
Why do jihadists drink instant coffee? Because they hate the French press
ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles. HER: What position do u play? ME: I'm a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
What do Bernie Sanders and Santa Claus have in common? (Dark) They both have difficulties regarding chimneys!
What would a porno be like? Lots of clicking and snapping?
Why couldn't the coal worker get into the movie? He was a miner.
I remember the last thing my grandfather ever said to me before he kicked the bucket... He said "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.
uh oh sombody posted a sad facebok status. i beter like it to show i care but also coment a sad face emoji to show i dont literaly "like" it
I tried to think of an electricity pun Now my head hertz
Why Can't Foster Kids Play Baseball? "They Don't Know Where Home Is!" Daniel , Reddit Clown
Gynecologist defined The only person who looks for problems in a place where everybody else gets pleasure.
Priest and acne. What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne usually waits until a boy is twelve to come on his face.
What does a pediatrist do when you ask them which body part they find most interesting? They admit de feet.
Number of US states who claim above average elementary test scores? 50. Number of US states who shouldn't be allowed to teach math? 25.
A bogey man who's a pretty good guy is... Snot Bad.
Don't move, I know what I'm doing. *takes a nap
"I don't care how much you hate this person, I REALLY suggest you two be friends." -Facebook
[last meal on death row] "Pepper?" *nods* "Say when" *winks to camera*
The White House is putting on a play adaptation of Modern Family. When asked which character he wanted to be, Obama said "Uhhh...let me be Claire."
What is an over protective German father's favorite game? Sudoku a game of neins!
Love you in different language English..... I Love You Spanish..... Te Amo French...... Je T'aime German...... Ich Liebe Dich Redneck..... Nice Tits
Text from my nana: "What is a diss track?" Don't worry about it u prune gash
So I was reaching for the Viagra... But I picked up the tipp-ex by mistake. I woke up with a massive correction.
Where can you find the strongest tea? Cliffsides (because it's so steep).
I think i just found this ice cream cone's g-spot
What does a hiker love to listen to? A trail mix!
*watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this."
Why should one not talk about Titanic with a stranger? Because it can't break the ice
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real... Him: Ma'am, please step out of the vehicle.
What's the difference between spider man and superman? peter parker can shoot webs. clark kent.
So Clinton won 6 out of 6 coin tosses in Iowa? I guess all the money really is behind her!
What would be the American version of "Duck Quacks Don't Echo"? "Jet Fuel Don't Melt Steel Beams".
I'm going to open up an opticians that also sells jewellery and handbags It'll be called Assess your eyes.
Part of the Reddit fence got ripped out of the ground by a tornado. We've been having to do a lot of re-posting.
Rape jokes are so much more funny when you force them on someone ...
How do you keep a blonde in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Why do Japanese hate bingo? They all scramble for cover when you call B-29
A nurse found a rectal thermometer... A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her top breast pocket. "Some assholes got my pen" she said.
Frizzy hair? Coconut oil No shaving cream? Coconut oil Dry skin? Coconut oil Relationship problems? Coconut oil Bad credit? Coconut oil
I only enter names and numbers into my contacts so I can see who I'm ignoring when they call.
Did you hear about the homemade poison ivy remedy? You can make it from scratch.
It's the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie. No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the other one. No,
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
6 yo: *yells* Mom! I'm on level 18!!!! Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You're reading. 6 yo: Oh
Probably the most notable thing about being an adult is not knowing whether you're tired or sad.
What's attractive in a prostitute ? The Price. Own creation if anyone asks.
Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
What's the difference between herpes and mono? You get one from snatching a kiss.
Why are business men's toilet clogged? They gave too many shits
What happens when a cow jumps over a barb wire fence? Udder destruction
I'm not racist People just disappoint me.
Why can't you make something that's sort of like a macaron but not really? Because then it'd just be macaroni
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I've ever had. Also rabies.
"It's a boy!" ...he screamed, "it's a boy!". Tears rolling down his face, and he vowed to never go back to Thailand.
I was homeless for 10 years and decided to apply for a position to hold a company's sign on the sidewalk... The company told me that they were sorry but I was overqualified.
My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
can you guys help me find an AC/DC song? it has 3 power chords and the lyrics are about being a badass, Thanks! *stolen from RYM*
Marriage is like a tattoo. You say it's for ever but we all know there are ways & means of ditching it. It'll just be painful and expensive.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the little bitch's house.
Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub... then Bubbles got up and left.
"I just threw up in my mouth a little." - Cows
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn't want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Hi Gilded, I am Kind Stranger EDIT: wow i am gilded, thank you kind stranger
Why don't black people dream? Because the last guy who had a dream got shot
What driver doesn't have a license? A screwdriver
6.9 is a very good thing fucked by a period.
If you want to setup a company and run it Then that's your business.
tell me your best " i was gonna tell a joke about X but Y" mine is i was going to tell a joke about Wisconsin but it was too cheesy. ninja edit: i love puns
dyslexic x 2 1) Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog. 2) So, the dyslexic guy goes into a bra.
What do you call a Mexican baptism? Bean Dip
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you'll miss them when they're grown and gone. I like to call those people liars.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds "plants"
Where does a librarian sleep? Between the covers. I will now show myself to the door.
My friend crashed his plane recently his life has been heading in a downward spiral.
Do you know why so many American kids die in high school massacres? It's because they're not allowed to run in the corridors.
"30 shots of espresso NOW." *barista's eyes widen* Whoa what do you do for a living? "I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!" *roundhouse kicks barista*
Back in LA who wants to make plans & cancel them & talk about rescheduling but never do then just like each other's FB post to keep it cool
Who often shoots in the wrong direction? Clint Westwood
Everyone was so quick to point out the obvious typo in my "Meating in the conference room" email. Then I pelted them with bologna.
What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
Relationship Joke A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say "people like this are out there."
Why are cows lazy and fat? Because they don't like to mooooooooooooove.
"Try to score a goal. Don't use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Next time you're on an elevator with a stranger say, "If the doors open and it's all zombies, let's team up."
Why did the man shut his donut shop? Why did the man close his donut shop? ...because he was fed up with the hole business!
Megan and chicken Knock, knock? Who's there? Megan and chicken Megan and chicken who? He's megan a list and chicken it twice, he's gonna find out who's naughty and nice...
Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder "who ties your shoelaces for you?"
What kind of ears does an engine have?  Engineers
What bleeds once a month in the mouth? Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that
Why are churches never broke? Because Jesus saves.
"I can't wait for the erection!" - frustrated wives/Asians who love politics.
Q: Did you hear about the peanut in the hospital? A: He was assaulted.
Me: "Hey doc, what's that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?" Doctor: "40"
There are 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary and those who don't.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.
Why do Cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
Introducing myself to new boyfriends parents: "Hi, I usually don't make it this far."
I challenged Superman to a fight. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.
What would you call an uprising at Charles Xavier's school? A mutant-y
April showers bring May flowers, and what do Mayflowers bring? Smallpox.
Who was the first striker? Jesus. He went for the cross
Why are black people so good at sports? Hard work and dedication.
Did you hear about the train conductor that went on a killing spree? He had loco motives.
Some people say don't bring a knife to a gun fight but I say DONT GO TO THE GUNFIGHT AT ALL ARE YOU KIDDING ME BULLETS HURT SO BAD OMG
Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.
Why do divers fall out of the boat backwards? Because if they went forward they would still be in the boat.
A Joke by my Physics Teacher A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the roof of his building. Just before the man jumps, the physicist yells: "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do5 Abandon4 Lie3 Cheat2 Abuse1 Forget to start the dishwasher
"It's not you, it's me." - Identical twins arguing over a photo.
What is a Mexican's least favorite nursery rhyme? Humpty Dumpty
What did Muhammad Ali tell ISIS? IsIs? Pretty soon y'all gonna be WasWas !
You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water? In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.
Your shirt is a little small. No, I am to big.
Why don't you see tampons with maxi pads? Because they're stuck up cunts.
who needs a bill of rights...? Im bill and im right!!!
[looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool] "Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."
[electric chair] "Any requests for your final minutes?" "Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained." *acquitted on a technicality
Why is it called xbox one? Because when you see it, you turn one degree and walk away.
"Johnny the sky is the limit." Thus, Johnny's dreams of becoming an astronaut were ruined.
Why do people like r/citrus? It's sublime
Doing the splits is easy -- slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Hey, you funny fellows, what are some nonchalant jokes to tell people that do not sound like a joke at first? I need to impress my friends with Internet stuff, gosh.
What did the fat piece of shit say when he screwed up? Sorry that I screwed up **lards**.
I recently went to the funeral of an asshole who bullied me for most of my life..... I wanted to literally see a dick in a box.
I like my women they way I like my wine 15 years old and locked in the basement.
Can I ask you a question? Me and my co worker was having a good conversation about school that lasted about 20 mins. Then she said "Can I ask you a question" and I replied "You just did"
I'm sick of people blaming the Internet when someone gets killed. Watch the History Channel. Hitler didn't find the Jews on craigslist.
Yeah, I'm allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I'm a real gluten for punishment.
I'm going to find a cure for blindness. YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL ALL SEE!
What do you call 27 West Virginians? A full set of teeth.
Q.How is a heart like a musician? A.They both have a beat :)
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.
What is the most common death among square dancers? Over Do-se-do.
What sound does a piano make when falling down a mine shaft? A-flat minor.
What's the most common question in a Gay Bar? Can i push in your stool?
Add 5 years onto your age That's how old you'll be in 5 years.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they!
The thing I most look forward to after Christmas is taking down the decorations and, for 4 minutes, it feeling like I live in a mansion.
Your momma is so fat, she doesn't argue with anyone because... she's always the bigger person.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper "yes, please don't stop" because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I would tell a broken pencil joke.. But there's no point.
I saw the Fast and the Furious 7 today... What has more brains then Paul Walker? The steering wheel...
I could never run for a political office I'm too out of shape. I could, however, waddle for a political office
"AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!" - killer wail
[landlord walks in apartment] "I told you no pets!" That's a stray gerbil. "And those fish??" ...stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ME: *staring into my lover's eyes in the midst of a warm embrace* HER: What are you thinking? ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
What idiot called them "Female condoms" and not Estrojans?
I figured something was fishy with my doctor when he was giving me a rectal exam, but he had both hands on my shoulders.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon] HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
I don't quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don't even like 15 people altogether in my life.
"I'm so nervous,... ...this is the first time that I'm with a prostitute." "Just relax and tell me what you like." "I like turtles" :-)
What is the best part about showering with a 14 year old girl? If you slick her hair back just right, she looks nine!
COP: We have reports of u blasting music. ME: Sorry I'll keep the Metallica down COP: We were told it was Britney Spears "Lucky." On repeat.
Why does a cow need a bell? Because its horn doesn't work.
seven swans to rule them all, six geese to find them, five gold rings to bring them all, and in the pear tree bind them
What kind of light makes the best US president? A blinkin' light
Told this joke when I was three Me: "Why did the cow cross the road?" Parent: "Wh-" Me: "Moo!"
Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.
How dare you accept my apology, I wasn't really apologizing, that was a trick to get you to say that nothing was my fault
I got told at church last Sunday that I should love my neighbour as I love myself. He wasn't very happy when I tried to wank him off.
What is the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
Why did Donald Trump outlaw grated cheese ? So he could make America grate again.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Crewcut ! Crewcut who? Crewcut and I'm the only one left !
Velcro... That's a rip off
Remember when I pissed off Apollo? Those were dark times.
Why do rappers love weed so much? Because the majority of their relatives used to pick it
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there.
School in US would be 10 times easier if we use metric system, 12 times harder if we don't.
I've got an L-shaped bed. Lowercase.
What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit? Try to neghostiate.
What do you call a blowjob from a midget? A low blow.
Have you seen the bus website? Yes - it's just the ticket!
Did you hear about Helen Keller's dating life? because I heard she wasn't seeing anyone
What is a dolphin's favorite TV show ? Whale of fortune !
[At gang interview] GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang Me: Yep GL: What qualities do you.. M: *Already snapping fingers GL: You're in
What is the difference between American teen girls and Muslim teen girls? American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
I found a new recipe that's fat free, gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, preservative-free and is non-GMO. It's a real breath of fresh air.
Bernie Sanders to cut the BS Now wants to be called Ernie Anders
What do you get when you put the batteries in the Energizer Bunny backwards? It keeps coming and coming and coming...
I touch myself when I think of you. It's a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.
Q: What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint? A: Both crews were marooned.
What does autocorrect and women have in common? They both jump to concussion
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? A: Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom! #HappyBirthdayBob
What type of cancer is an anarchist immune to? Prostate
I walked into my local fishmongers when i saw the manager of the store slapping his penis with a fish. I **cod** not believe it!
What's the difference between drunk people and black people? Drunk people are found **IN** bars. Black people are found **BEHIND** them.
Jimmy Kimmel and the Fine Brothers working together [NSFW] Pornhub acquires Twitch
How does a nice guy change a light bulb? He doesn't. He just compliments it and then gets pissed when it won't screw.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.
When will forms stop asking me if I'm Mrs, Miss, or Ms and realise I'm an @?
My Swedish friend asked me to stop making Ikea jokes. Ikea'nt
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato? A: T-A-T-E-R.
I just took a huge shit. I feel really bad because it wasn't mine and stealing is wrong.
When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.
How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground? The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)
I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women So I went every day for three months. Bad news is I didn't meet a girl. Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.
Why was the pilot dying? Because he had terminal cancer.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn't like so we don't have to share.
If you're American before you go in the bathroom and American after you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European
If I contract a disease any time soon I want it to be scurvy or the plague because I'm a history buff.
Who satisfies earth the most? Sun. Because the sun goes down every night.
Ex-lax Did you know that all boxes of Ex-lax have been recalled? You can't buy Ex-lax anywhere. Really..I'm not shittin'.
Maintaining an erection: It's never been my strong point.
School is like a boner... long and hard, unless your Asian!
Littlefoot walks into a petting zoo.. He's trying to find Ducky.
What's black and loves to destroy Baltimore? The Pittsburgh Steelers
Come here you greedy wretch. I'll teach you  to eat all your sister's birthday chocs. It's all right Dad I know how !
pooping on a party is still the number one way to poop a party.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth? at the stock market
I lost my watch at a party the other night It fell in my drink. I guess it's drinking time.
What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most? A Golden Retriever
I lost my mood ring last night... I don't know how I feel about this.
Blackhawks What is that player's name on the hawks that starts with Johnny. I think I know. Oduya?
How many violent revolutions does it take to change a lightbulb? Violent revolutions never change anything.
So many people try to be hip To me it is kind of a waist
Clinton Campaign Hillary's Clinton's response to allegations of receiving money from foreign governments to fund her campaign: "I did NOT have financial relations with those countries!"
Why was Einstein unable to build a wall? He only had Ein Stein
I'm jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? To draw blood.
I'm always sad when I see a homeless person or someone with a Blackberry.
What would one call a movie about meth addictions? Need for speed.
BLONDE BRAIN Q: How do you make a blonde's brain the size of a pea? A: Inflate it.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book? Me: Every night Priest: What's their favorite part? Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They drive real slow in the school zones.
How many musos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.
Fact: 98% of Jeep owners are guys named Jake, who wear shorts in the winter, and work at Starbucks.
What's the difference between a turkey sandwich and a ham sandwich? A turkey sandwich doesn't recognize the Armenian genocide
Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue? Anyone can tune a piano, but noone can piano a tuna!
THIS JUST IN: Foreign suppliers of shredded cheese on strike. Eyewitnesses report protesting workers holding signs that read: "MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN"
If anyone advises you how much lettuce to put on your burger, stop them right there. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
"For sale: Brown skinned Cabbage Patch doll..." It's only Harv Price
I had a balloon with the reddit logo on it and I put it on the nozzle of a can of helium. It blew up pretty fast.
I've won the war! My pants fit! **Congratulations, have you lost weight?** _Even better... I've bought new pants!!!_
You Can't spell ADVERTISEMENTS without semen between the tits!
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That's your age.
Why is it hard for men to understand women? Because you have to study abroad to understand them.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"
Why did the bees build the hive? It's in their beehavior.
What do you call all Republicans that aren't racist, sexist or homophobic? Nancy from New York.
Why was Hitler kicked off the track team? He could never finish a race.
I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window Wish I didn't have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Just told a shop owner that the customer is always wrong. When she tried to correct me, she exploded.
combine the name of the first enemy you ever had and the name of the last thing you ate out of a microwave to get your Horrible Asshole Name
Why do asians squint all the time? Because nukes are so bright
What do you call a dog woth no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he's not coming
I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish. It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
I don't think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Obama supporters will party all night, especially since most of them don't work...
Siri does the best Stephen Hawking impression.
Me and my recliner... We go way back.
I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly
If Hillary brought a carpet bag to New York, what did Bill bring? Hard wood.
Why did the light turn red? You would too if you were caught changing in the middle of the street!
George Carlin:"Why do laxatives always say 'Works gently, overnight'?" "What if I want something that works violently right now?"
How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim? He was glad he ate her.
Why are E.T.'s eyes so big? He saw the phone bill.
Is it solipsistic in here? Or is it just me?
What comes after fear but before sex? funf
I stick pins and needles in the people I don't like because can't afford voodoo dolls.
Her: Are you getting off early today? Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: You can just keep that pen. Coworker: Sure? Me: Yeah. I noticed you don't wash your hands in the restroom. Cw.. Me: I told everyone.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder... of someone else, who isn't quite as absent.
What do you call a dead chicken that likes to throw things? A **Poultry**geist. Thanks! I will show myself out.
What do you call a shifty midget in a police line up? A little suspect
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Leos don't change lightbulbs although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're  out.
Fisherman got jokes... A little fish humor for everyone. "Did you do that on Porpoise? Or just for the Halibut?" "Oh my Cod, save my Sole!" "You sucker, that smelt, so get your bass out of here!"
Fact: Fat people falling down is always funnier than a skinny person falling down.
Grandma: You've left all your crusts Mary. When I was your age I ate every one. Mary: Do you still like crusts Grandma? Grandma: Yes I do. Mary: Well you can have mine.
In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.
Do you know what the twins were doing in the wigwam? I can't tell you... it's *two-in-tents*.
What crime did the tree commit to be put in tree jail? Treeson
Where did the King keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Knock Knock... Come in. I don't know if it fits here but it's a great way to stop a knock knock joke.
Here only 2 out of 11 jokes are funny... Because 9/11 jokes are not funny. ^^Derp ^^:D
When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I've been absolutely fabulous ever since
What's the difference between bullets and people? Bullets don't miss Harambe. Rest in Peace brother.
How do you get a one armed man off a tree? You wave to him
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called "The News."
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks. Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
I'm never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.
My chem teacher was talking about salt the other day and I was bored as fuck... I was about to make a Sodium pun but Na
Have you ever shoed a horse? No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. That's a man's job.
Have a bad only child? Apple unveils terrifying robot sibling... iSis.
The Bat-phone rings, it's... Commissioner Gordon. "Batman, Jokers at it again. He's stolen all of tampons in Gotham. It's a bloody mess..."
Why are atoms untrustworthy? They make up everything. Credit to /u/ipsokinetikon from an askreddit thread about what not to trust.
I wanna Die peaceful in my sleep just my like my Grandpah! Unlike the passengers in his car...
What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest The acne waits till your thirteen to cum on your face...
What kind of a cake requires goggles to eat? Bukkake
Whats the difference between a Windows computer and My penis? One has Microsoft and the other is Micro and Soft
Why don't monkeys gamble in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs.
A couple in therapy The wife: "I'm just tired of him getting sayings wrong." The therapist: "Do you really do that?" The husband: "Oh, cry me a table!"
A Man With No Legs Walks Into A Bar...
TIFU: By calling a passing play when I should have run the ball. Beast mode rules!
What's the fastest way to lose weight? Puking and shitting at the same time.
The outer-space toilet was truly revolutionary... ... Now men are able to go where no man has gone before.
My friend is an anorexic atheist. He thin.
The next person to make a gay joke is going to get their ass pounded
I came out of the closet today... And I'm currently enjoying the wonderful world of Narnia!
"Have u seen my cat?" "I saw a cat down the road?" "Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?" "No, the one I saw was dead."
What did one snow man say to the other? Smells like carrots
What did the beaver say when his house burned down? Damn
You know what's addictive? Heroin
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalottapuss! *credit goes to my brother-in-law who recently told me that one
How many online courses are offered by the senior learning center? None. They're old school.
A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen. He came home with twelve loaves of bread
How do you get a goth down from a tree? Cut the rope
I mutter "you arrogant asshole" when my phone auto-corrects 'iphone' to 'iPhone'
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My wife doesn't know... That every time we have sex, I put a dollar into an envelope that goes toward her Christmas present. So far, she's getting a candy bar.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working? A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
I like my donuts like I like my women Cream filled.
What do you call a pirates thong? A whispering eye patch.
Why do women get yeast infections? (NSFW) So they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I once won an argument with a woman...in this dream I had.
[driving test] INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns? ME: Volcanoes I: About the test? M: No I: Ok then let's go M: *drives into active volcano*
Never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp. She's thick and tired of it.
How many children did Josh Duggar molest? 19 kids and counting. Too soon? :/
You guys excited for Christmas? Only 366 more days :D
Teacher: What are the four elements? Pupil: Fire Earth Water and the Internet. Teacher: What do you mean the Internet? Pupil: Well Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net I'm in my element.
What do you call a tree that does not believe Jesus was the messiah? A Jew-niper
* tries to spread peanut butter * Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Did you hear about the Texas hipster whose bicycle was broken? He was fixin' to get his fixie fixed.
A star walks into a ... A star walks into a black hole but doesn't seems phazed, the black hole turns to the star and says, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation.
If a blue man lives in the blue house and a red man lives in the red house, who lives in the white house? A white man.
Have you heard the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Keep a baby with you at all times in case you need to throw it at someone who tries to arrest you.
What did the German baker say to greet his customers? Gluten tag!
What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common? Both were shot before a live audience.
Why do fat white women like black guys? Because they heard black makes you look thin.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was kewl.
Why are spiders so unproductive? Because they hang out on the web all day!
"Haha you flinched" "No crap, you almost hit me in the face!"
A neutron walks into a bar He orders a drink and the bartender passes him one. The neutron goes to reach for his wallet, but the bartender stops him. "For you, no charge"
Cop: "Any idea why I pulled you over?" Me: "you've got a fat guy fetish?" Cop: ...
Feminists I'm not sure if this is a repost, but here it goes. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
I'm no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
How do you circumcise a redneck? You kick his sister in the back of the head.
How do you get down from an Elephant? You don't, you get down from a Goose.
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire!''
Saw that the "So I went on r/news today.." post got removed so I reposted here for you. [removed]
Asked my friend what's he's going to wear for Halloween... "Probably a condom."
[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance] "NO KID, WAIT- [it starts raining buckets of pee]
TIL that 1 in 3 Women are Battered. ...And to think I have been eating them plain all this time.
All the terrible rumors about me are true, people who spam me via DM.
It's raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me: Treat yo self My Bank Account: DO NOT TREAT YO SELF
There's a man living near me who has 5 Penises. Rumour has it his underwear fit him like a glove.
What do you call a guy who likes touching unripened cheese? A fetaphile
I taught my son never to quit ... ... now he always uses force quit.
For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants... I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Heroes.
What do you do when a Chemist dies? You Barium.
Why couldn't the melons run away and get married? Because they cantaloupe!
Did you hear the joke about german sausage? It's the wurst!
Never assume anything but the position.
"I put my gear back in fourth." - Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.
If a Tesla car gets stolen . . . would it be called an Edison?
"So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another" -How I Met Your Stepmother
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
How many South American's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazilian.
The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.
I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
It's sad that they drain power from so many horses to make car engines run.
How many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.
An old woman ask her husband of 65 years... what would you do if I stated smoking? He quickly replies "Slow down and use more lube."
What do you call it when George Thorogood farts on a throne? Air to the bone
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot. The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
Someone asked me the other day whole my favorite superhero is... I said that I thought iceman was pretty cool
What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint? Catholic
Do you want to make a small fortune? Start with a large fortune and open a restaurant.
Because you can't hang up in person. Duct tape,
What do you call a pirate having sex? A jolly rogering.
This sexist farmer called me a cow when I'm male. That's bull.
What is a Jewish person's first discount? 10% off the penis.
Me: "Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?" Nurse: "Sir, you're just here for a blood pressure reading..." *pulls pants back up*
Longest English word: 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi' Longest Spanish word: 'GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL'
Why are bats blind? Well your eyesight wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all day would it?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds] *googles "how to defuse a bomb"* *clicks top result* *it's a 17-page slideshow.* GODDAMMIT *an ad plays*
What did the ancient Egyptian cheerleader chant? "THERE IS ONE GOD, HE IS THE SUN GOD! RA! RA! RA!"
There is no solid evidence of global warming... ...it all melted.
What do you call a Blind German? A Not see.
Why did the air freshener company go out of business? Because they lacked common scents...
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I'm going with that story.
"Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
Having a girlfriend is like having a car... ... I don't have a car :'(.
This just in! A truckload of wigs has lost control and tipped over on the highway........Police are still combing the area.
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only 1/5th of what comes out of her vagina is retarded.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of  secret service agents? A: He's the stiff one.
I just fixed somebody's Blackberry Now all of his emails are currant.
Here's an example of a cliffhanger
Have you heard about the guy who got frozen to the absolute freezing point? Don't worry, he's 0K now.
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ? A bud hound !
Dark humor is a lot like a child with cancer. It never gets old.
If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone. Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
How do you find King Arthur in the dark? With a knight light....
Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying "Cute doggie" and realizing it's their kid
Q: What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea? A: He drowned in his teapea.
AMERICAN DIVORCE If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
Kristen Stew@rt is apologizing for "everything she has done", which I'm assuming includes the Twilight series.
Double standars If a woman has sex with lots of men, people call her a slut. If a man does the same, they call him an homosexual.
Scientists have found a nearby 'habitable' planet. I think I speak for most humans when I say I soooo want to rape it.
What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! When do we want it? Cunt.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Disappointment.
Why are there no casinos in China? They hate Tibet.
If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby, what brings no baby? A swallow
What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! When do we want it? Cunt!
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out.
Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don't have &amp; waste an entire day without having a life.
And the Lord said unto John; 'Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.' ...But John came fifth and he won a toaster.
What's the difference between eating pizza, and eating pussy? You eat the crust off the pizza!
I was thinking about Billy Mays the other day... I decided he's in heaven partying like it's nineteen ninety-nine ^(plus shipping and handling.)
If you count a little kid on another kid's shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.... Buh-dum-sch.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
Boss: "We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die."
What did the banker use for birth control? His personality
Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face
So I was doing research on WWII. The Americans were winning the war with flying colors. And by that of course, I mean the Tuskegee Airmen.
Man is like spider.. .. bound to have sticky hand when on web!
Why do ninjas make bad porn stars? Because nobody can see them coming.
Oscar Pistorius was keen to get a new bathroom door.... but his girlfriend was dead against it. Source: Scorch-O-Rama cafe, Wellington, New Zealand
Insert your best puns/set ups here. Other Redditors add on and keep it going.
Mexican joke Juanita's teacher told her to go home and do an essay so she went home and did an ese.
I like to think that I'm a tiger... even though I'm a mere cat.
You remind me of my pinkie toe because I know I'm eventually going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my place.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.
Twitter: Tell me I'm funny! Instagram: Tell me I'm pretty! Facebook: Tell me I have real friends! Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!
Why was the homeless man's body cremated? Because he urned it
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
What's bad about wetting your bed? Urine it.
They told me if you put your newborn in front of an orphanage he would grow up an Orphan So I stuck my baby in the ATM machine so he could grow up to be a rich banker
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can't even find the game on tv to watch.
Subway is like prostitution... You pay someone else to do your wife's job!
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
The police are looking for a racist attacker I phoned them up, but apparently it's not a job offer.
I'm going to attempt to dehydrate myself for the depravity contest. I hope I win thirst prize.
If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', then the opposite of progress is...
Did you hear about the guy addicted to eating salt? Don't worry, he was cured.
You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors.. It's not hard et al.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? When she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Muhammad The police would be upon him
{marriage counseling} I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water... *therapist scribbles furiously*
Are you a car with the windows rolled up on a scorching hot summer day? Because I want to put a baby inside you.
Paul says to Jesus "Hey man whatcha doing for Passover?" Jesus says "Just hanging around."
What were the martyr's last words? I believe in peace in our time
I always knew I'd end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn't expect everyone around me to keep bowling.
What do you call a singing goat that lives by the sea? Billy Ocean
What's the difference between a good year blimp and 365 days of sex one is good year and the other is a great year.
Just welled up with tears listening to Cheers opening theme song in case you didn't know what PMS feels like.
I tested positive for optimism.
Do you know what I hate most about Reddit? [deleted] EDIT: Yes! That's the joke!
How did the Newfie get his wife pregnant? ...and you call us stupid.
Easter Kids' Joke 2 What do you call a brown bunny that comes a day after Easter? Choco-late.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I'm unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I'm on a seafood diet If I see food and it's a fish I eat it edit: /r/jokes is not the place for dry humor. note to self: more corn and cheese
Where do you put a Jew who can't pay attention? Concentration Camp.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone... it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[hospital] "I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again" "Oh God, he's paralysed?" "No, someone's bought him rollerblades"
"Crap, I gotta get up and undressed for work." - strippers
What do many Asian guys have that's hairy, got two balls, and is smaller than average? A penis.
The Past Present and Future... The Past Present and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.
What does the dot on an Indian woman's forehead signify? Coffee's ready
What did Dracula say to Frankenstein ?!? I like Rape !! lol !!
I painted my computer black so it would run faster... ... But it didn't.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? A hockey player takes shower after three periods.
What is 6.9? A really great thing ruined by a period.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night long
I hate dating black girls, I always need to explain that it wasn't me who gave them those black eyes...
How do Reavers clean their spears? They run them through the Wash. (In honor of the late Shepard Book. RIP)
Why is Hillary better than a prostitute? Hillary will be whatever you want her to be for a whole campaign, a prostitute only lasts 30 minutes.
So a dyslexic walks into a bra. . .
Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??
What is the difference between erotic and kinky? erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken
My girlfriend is like -100. She's a 10 but she is also imaginary
[After Big Jewel Heist] "We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan" ME(holding my grappling hook I didn't get to use): Yea it was ok
Walmart is banning sales of the Confederate flag Well, there goes 95% of their buisness
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now....
This sub has taken a dive recently I guess I should put my phone in rice to try and dry it out.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players' moms were murdered by circles and that's why they throw rocks at one.
5 out of six researchers conclude, Russian roulette is complete safe.
If storks bring white babies and crows bring black babies, then what brings no babies? Swallows
A baby seal walked into a club My son has a new stuffed animal
Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan? Make America's Weight A Gain.
Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
What do you call a bisexual vietnamese person? **Bi**ngo.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb You can unscrew a lightbulb
What did the evil tin man say when he was run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again!
A joke about all the leaders of the countries the U.S. has invaded... [removed] &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; From power.
Where are you most likely to drown? *Deepends*
Life is like a penis... Long, simple, and relaxed. It's the women that make it hard.
When I asked you for the punchline... ...I didn't think you were talking about polygamist domestic abuse.
My mom's favorite Easter joke: Why does the Easter bunny hide Easter eggs? Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking a chicken.
Forgetting what you went into the kitchen to get is one thing but, it's darn scary when you can't remember why you went into the bathroom!
[restaurant] ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
(NSFW) What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your way into a girls butthole.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Results are in: a lot of people took the "never change" yearbook inscription way too seriously.
What is the difference between Pokemon Go and Tinder? On one app you search your area and find strange creatures, on the other you only find pokemon.
Where do literal dogs live? On the roof.
My girlfriend wanted me to make her feel like she's the only girl in the world. So I signed her up for Electrical Engineering.
*taps Canadian *mumbles "Apple starts with..." "Eh?" *whispers "Your blood type?" "Eh?" *mutters "Best grade?" "Eh?" *giggles *runs away
Southern cop to Yankee speeder, whom he has just pulled over: "Little lady, nobody goes through Georgia that fast." Speeder: "Sherman did."
Who are the hamburgers favourite people? Vegetarians!
I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said "can you hear me?"
Jesus knock tentatively on God's door, enters, and God says..... Now lets go through this one more time....What exactly did you tell them again?
I drink to forget... my alcoholism.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???... Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won't notice that I'm sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
What do you call a stupid beer? Daft!
Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber? It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9.
What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car, outside of a planned parenthood center? Having to go inside and ask for a coat-hanger.
Did you hear about the vampire who joined  an orchestra? He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning? GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN'T REAL: what
I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier. I'm sure it will come back to me eventually.
You think 70 degrees yesterday and snow today is funny, Mother Nature? *empties 326 cans of hairspray outside* Knock that shit off!
How deep is the ocean? A shark spooked him while he was surfing.
Q: You are traveling into the past, what one thing would you bring back? SEXY. I am so getting an A on this History paper.
"Mom, what does married mean?" Taking naps together "Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?" No, that means he's getting divorced
crime tip: secretley grease a cop's butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he'll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street
A man's sex life is like an oak tree You spend the first part of your life growing up and not doing much. Then later you nut almost constantly for a short period of time, right up until you go bald
COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.
The animosity between Republicans & Democrats is NOTHING compared to the hatred between Jeffs & Geoffs.
- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?  - Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre...
I submitted ten puns to a contest once hoping to win But no pun in ten did.
Whats the difference between a bdsm slavegirl, and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
it's cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like "just as i suspected guys. it's shit."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Chocs ! Chocs who ? Chocs away !
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it's a live news broadcast.
Paris Hilton picked up the new Galaxy Note 7.... That's Hot.
Why will we never know if Rick James was bald? Rogaine is a hell of a drug.
They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian. I don't see them laughing now.
Rhinos produce 1,346,980 sperm cells per ejaculation... I guess its because they're always so horny...
Whats the number one cause of paedofilla? Sexy kids.
Tried to eskimo kiss my girl last night... but she wasn't inuit.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should've read it? That's adulthood.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day
Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention? He heard they were looking for meaty urologists.
What do you call 4 Mexicans stuck in quicksand? Quatro cinqo.
If Adam had been gay We would have all been fucked, except Eve
What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner? Watson the menu
Why cant people with no feet drink milk? Because they are lack toes intolorent.
You know the difference between Catholics and Baptists? Catholics will say hello to each other in the liquor store.
What does a fresh egg say when you try to hardboil it? It'll take me about 20 minutes to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.
If I ever go missing.. you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stew!
I bought my friend an elephant... I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said "Thank you." I said "Don't mention it."
You better watch out, you better not cry You better not pout, I'm telling you why Emotion signals weakness to your enemy Be vigilant, my son
Donald Trump is the next President but... The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
My Dr. wrote me a prescription My Dr. Wrote me a prescription for daily sex, but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Teen smoking is down 35 percent from when I was a kid. Unfortunately, so is teen "coolness."
Google is now filtering out Holocaust denier websites from searches Now we will nazi those results.
Why are blowjobs referred to as "giving head"? ... because it's the only way for women to get ahead in life.
[sees friend at the store] "Hi" Hey "Where's your better half?" The PS4's at home "No I mean-" Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Steak puns... a rare medium well done.
Why did they pull a lawsuit against the spa for their wax treatment? It was a ripoff.
Redditors are like alchemists. They try to turn their nonsense into gold.
What do you call a gay jewish man A heblew
I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
Companies want "rockstar" employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.
How is Mitt Romney like a failed sperm? If you looked at them, you could only see a dick; and both ended up just an inch short
I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don't you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long
Why hasn't Nintendo released a Mario themed basketball video game? Because Japan isn't good at basketball.
My wife keeps telling me she can't sleep And asked me to stop typing or She will smash my face on the keybodjeysdhvcjkdjwj827fhejwi46wixjj
I started up a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are through the roof!
I went to the store today to stock up on bread, beer, and Captain Morgan just in case Hurricane Sandy decides to double back to  NC..... Always good to be prepared...
*at movie theater* M: I'll take a large popcorn with extra butter. H: Sure. What movie are you seeing? M: I'm not.
"Do it!" Nah, I don't wanna. "Come on, man!" No way. "It'll be fun!" I don't know... "Do it for the Vine!" Oh alright. *Hitler invades Poland*
Two condoms walk by a gay bar . . . . . . one looks to the other and says, "Hey, wanna get shitfaced?"
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says "Don't worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains."
A group of crows killed an innocent person It really was a murder scene
Baby momma drama doesn't exist in the middle east.... Baby Bomba drama however
Man gets his wife roses for Valentine's Day Wife says "I guess I have to open my legs now". Man says "Why? Don't we have a vase"?
Cup of coffee Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.   Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking
What's the difference between my dick and my shot gun? my daughter didn't cry when the gun went off in her mouth!
A social gathering without food is called a "Don't."
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Aye yee think it be arrrrr, but it be the seaa
Jared Fogle's career ending the same way it started.... Trying to get into smaller pants
What could you do if you were on a desert island without food or water? Open your watch: drink from the spring and eat the sand which is (sandwiches) there.
Three Tampons. Three tampons are walking down the street. One is light flow, one medium flow, and one heavy flow. Which one says hi to you? None, they are all stuck up cunts.
Want to hear a joke? My username.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed* bladder: so you're not going to believe this
Why did the black guy cross the road? He wanted some chicken!
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
I like my coffee black... So it steals my fatigue.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
What's black and white that small children no longer need worry about? Michael Jackson
My ex owned a parakeet. The thing would never shut up. The bird was cool though.
Joke: Where did AT&amp;T get their 2007 slogan? Ireland: More bars in more places
Your Honor it was an accident! I had to run into  the fence to keep from hitting the cow! Was it a Jersey cow?  I don't know I didn't see her license plate!
Why won't North Korea ever have a successful space program? There's no air in space for them to eat.
I'm sexually attracted to biceps. Does that make me biceptual?
Q: What goes "krab krab krab"? - A: A dog barking in a mirror.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Whats a pirate's favorite letter? Arrrrrrrg matey it be the C.
Donald Trump asked if the Pope could hear his confession while in NY The Pope said he would like to, but he's on a busy schedule and he doesn't have all day.
The people at U.P.S are assholes. They sent me a message telling me I have a small Package... I mean, what are they doing opening my mail and looking at my pictures anyway?
I used to want to be a banker.... but I lost interest.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist.... I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys... then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me the for the rest of my life...
Bad News I heard that the Italian Government is joining forces with ISIS thus changing their name to Italian ISIS Tommy G
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Rubberto
Who is the director of the first wireless movie? Christopher No-LAN
Have you heard of the new Lego Presidential Building Set? It's called "My First Wall". It comes with a few pesos as a refund.
I remembered an unemployment joke... ...but then I realized that none of them work.
What do fat chicks do in the summer time? Stink.
Me: How much for the selfie stick? Him: Sir, that's an Olsen twin. Me: I'll take it.
An Englishmen, a Scotsman and a Irishman went to a bar. They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.
Who can shave 30 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What did the DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in.
Why do you always see Santa with a full sack? Because he only comes once a year!
What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in!
What do you call someone who stole home plate? A rapist.
Studies show that a Starbucks coffee tastes better after taking a photo and posting it on Instagram.
ME: What an emotional roller coaster ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?
Speech Joke. Why shouldn't you eye-fuck someone? Because there is a chance you will get visual aids.
I grilled some chicken today... What a waste of time. He still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road.
I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...
Today my wife and I marked our twenty year wedding anniversary. If I would have killed her I would be out of jail by now.
I wanted to buy an electric car And the prices were shocking
roses r red violets r blue sunflowers r yellow i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts
What do you call 5 black guys on a stage? An auction
Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges? As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.
Q: Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? A: He wanted to work overtime.
Have You Heard of the Arabic Santa Clause? No? Me either. It's because he's on the No-Fly list.
Somebody called me pretentious today... I almost choked on my chai latte.
[bar closing time] Do you wanna come over to my place? Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah Ok hold on.. *dials phone* Mom? Can you pick me up now?
A lady asked me if I had any gum this morning I replied "Sorry, I don't have any Extra"
Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed? Because they always want to be right.
Sometimes I can't remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines...I totally get it.
How do you keep someone from hearing the punchline of a joke?
People Says ,"SMOKING KILLS SLOWLY......" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . So What, Who'z in a Hurry ....!!!! ;-)
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.
I just put a client on hold for five minutes while I went to the break room to heat up a burrito in case you wondered about my work ethic.
What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan.. ***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***
If your soviet girlfriend wants to take it slow Don't Russia
A jokey named Chris is running late for his race... ...his coach points at his horse and yells "Chris top her" Edit: Spelling
Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle? He always gets stuck on across.
Pinniped humor So a baby seal walks into a club...
Welcome to the first annual hunger games America. Thank you to all the married cousins that voted for president snow.
What do you call a gay guy flying a plane? The pilot.
What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.
What do you call a man with a disfigured penis and a woman with a large vagina? Bendidick Cumbersnatch
Whats invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts! Yup ya walked right into that one
My teacher's nickname in school is Flush. He always has the same suit.
My friend is deaf in his left ear. His hearing is alright.
What do you call a Mexican that won't get on a scale? A no weigh Jose.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you'll have more available women in your family to date!
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays? Nun.
What's harder than nailing 10 dead babies to a tree? Nailing one dead baby to 10 trees.
"sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?" yes it was like a weird pancake
Don't worry, men. Women can't tell women to calm down either.
What would be the name of a very old rapper? 2 Canes
My favorite part of the song is the beginning when the rapper goes "Uh oh" like both he and you are about to embark on an unexpected journey
What did one bell say to the other? "Be my valenchime!"
Mosquitto and Blondes what's the difference between a Mosquitto and a blonde? A Mosquitto stops sucking when you slap it !
What's the difference between a pedophile and acne? Acne only comes on your face after 12
If Trump gets elected this November I'm going to jack off Because I might as well cum if I'm getting fucked.
I made this up when i was 10... Whats a frogs favorite restaurant? IHOP!!!
Irish Car Bomb Yanks have a cocktail called an "Irish car bomb", but if you stuck two flakes in an ice cream cone and called it a 9/11 they'd get offended.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
How do you keep an idiot waiting?
I like my women the way I like my cake... Moist.
COWORKER: I'm my own biggest critic. ME: Haha, trust me. You aren't.
"want to go grab some dinner?" *lights cat on fire* sorry I can't my cats on fire
I'll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
The father of Mike Davidson, what's his full name? David Mikesdaad
What's Irish and sits outside? Paddy O'furniture
I haven't been able to find my girlfriend for months, but I'll never forget the last thing she told me... She said "I don't give blowjobs." To be honest I haven't looked that hard.
Being baptized is like having antivirus for a PC It helps protect you from consequences of sinning going forward (but not guaranteed)
People always say, "Its the little things in life you treasure"... But whenever I'm naked, girls always laugh.
NSFW My wife demanded that I get a penis enlarger, so I did. .... ....she's 27 and her name is Heather.
What's a frog's favorite pass-time on the internet? (Sorry if this is a re-post.) Reeeedit *(Say/think it in a frog voice!)*
The Cherokee Indians are overrated. Sure, they had an advanced writing system, but Indians from Florida produced more Seminole works. ...I'll show myself out.
No joke will ever be too soon for Joan Rivers thread. Joan Rivers died doing what she loved to do best. Surgery.
How long does it take for a black woman to take out the trash? 9 months.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
how do you start a rave in africa glue a piece of bread to the roof
How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 3: One to screw it in, another to film it, and a last one to say "sick turns brah!"
2/1 people have multiple personality disorder
Did you hear about the new cemetery? People are dying to get in.
If someone has a foot fetish... ...and they cheat, does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?
What's grey and goes round and round ? An elephant in a washing machine !
When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed? When he's red-handed.
'This is the greatest thing since sliced bread!' Sliced bread peeks around corner, tears streaming, it was in the tv room & heard EVERYTHING
Two men walk into a bar.. The first one orders H^2 O And the second orders H^2 O too. The second man dies.
I was just hit on by a 13 year old, I blame you MTV. Girls should be sugar & spice and everything NICE! Not orange and pregnant.
If everyone contributes a small amount of their income... Together we can pool the resources to defeat socialism.
Why was the ghost on an episode of Hoaders? He was a little... Possesive
Coworker: My husband's an angel. Me: You're lucky.. mine's still alive.
My home was invaded by gay burglars the other night... ...They came in and rearranged the furniture.
Q: What goes VROOM SCREECHVROOM  SCREECHVROOM SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
What's a one way streets favorite band? One Direction
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it... ...then my illegal logging business is a success
finally got to see someone in my facebook feed react to an onion article as if it were real news. today was a big day.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
My daughter told me to treat her like a princess... so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.
Soliciting a blowjob is illegal. Soliciting a blowjob is illegal, but betting a whore $50 she can't swallow your cum isn't.
Technical truths: according to chemistry, alcohol actually is a solution!!
Ask your doctor if left is right for you.
People laugh cause I've got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who'll be laughing then?
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Avalanche Barbie ...buried in 16 feet of snow
Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won't have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Rape jokes aren't funny... They're too forced.
A son Whale asks a father Whale "Where did I come from?" The father Whale replies "From my penis" The son Whale says "Oh....thanks" Father Whale says "You're Whalecum"
Going to a party tonight, but keeping it mellow. One or two glasses of cocaine and that's it.
What superheroes refuse to fight in North Carolina? The X-Men
A good one my buddy told me "It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs - they always take things literally."
Why did they go from Windows 8 to Windows 10? Cause Seven ate Windows 9
What does a cannibal and a homeless man have in common? They both eat chips off the old block.
Stevie Wonder: "I may be blind... ...but at least Im not black".
Are Koalas bears? No, they're marsupials But they have the right koalafications to be a bear
Recently, my self driving car has been malfunctioning. It's driving me crazy
Psychic Apprentice is ready! Psychic Apprentice: I'm ready to open my own shop. I quit. Psychic: I knew this day would come.
Moon rock versus Earth rock Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock? Because it's a little meteor.
The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.
"The doctor said he would have me on  my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
Knock-knock! Who's there? Centipede. Centipede who? Centipede under the Christmas tree.
Sigmund Freud discovered the "Freudian Slip" which in my opinion, was pure penis...I mean genius.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. and thinks "Some asshole has my pen".
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Muslims are like the common cold and SJWs are like AIDS. It's easy to fight off a cold unless you have AIDS.
I am a Renaissance Man in the sense that I'll probably die young of a horrible disease while great discoveries are made around me.
My Ex Girl Friend: you need to move on and forget about me. Me: how can I forget you when every time I go outside things remind me of you like garbage bins and dog shit.
A black man walks into a bar and takes a seat He also takes a pen, a mug and $200 in cash.
When you're really angry, instead of saying a filthy curse word, try yelling "Finnegan's Biscuits!" I find it quite satisfying.
What's the square root of sixty-nine? Eight-something!
Why was the feminist picnic so bad Nobody made sandwiches
Take my wife, Please!
A midget psychic escaped from prison... I guess you could call them a small medium at large.
Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn't know about milk?
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replied, "I know. I saw your tweet!"
When I was a kid I asked my Dad if Abraham Lincoln was jewish. "Well," he said, "he was shot in his temple."
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I want to start a business selling bait for fishing I plan to call it, "Master Baiters &amp; Tackle"
Sonic the Hedgehog sells his soul to the Devil. Gotta go Faust!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don't say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
A man has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness... Man: "So Doc, how long have I got to live?" Doctor: "Seven..." Man: "Seven? Seven what? Years? Months?" Doctor: "Six... Five..."
What do you get when you see Bill Cosby in double-vision? Raped.
Girl asks a guy... How big he thinks her boobs are, he replies, "looks like im gonna have to do an inbreastigation!"
Ever wondered why china has over 1 billion population? Cause the condom they use is "Made in china"
ladies call me a keyboard cus i'm always in front of the computer and i've got crumbs in all my crevices
Which type of soup is the heaviest? Won-ton soup
I'm not saying she's fat... ....But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know, She'd be three of them.
What do you call a bird who never remembers song lyrics? A hummingbird
Periodic joke Do you have any Nitrogen Monoxide jokes? NO
My employees forgot about Cyber Monday. I won't rub it in. They look embarrassed enough when I walk by in my RoboCop suit.
If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.....
Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby? Me: Does it have wifi?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince's eyes follow u across the room
If Donald Trump becomes President... there will be hell toupee.
What do Reddit and Pedophiles have in common? they are both fucking immature assholes...
Your baby was cute until I realized you're on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Inspirational Tweet: Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today's clean laundry. Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS: 1. Too Many Questions. 2. Difficult to Understand. 3. More Explanation is Needed. 4. Result is always FAIL!
it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Why did the T-rex cross the road? Chickens didn't exist yet.
Why did the old lady fall into the well? Because she didn't see that well.
You hear about the guy who bought a teabag? Yeah, the price was pretty steep
Couldn't get to the gym and gained a bit of belly fat this semester... I just had too much on my plate.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra. But he was spotted.
I had a brain scan, and the results were negative. The doctors couldn't find a brain.
My Chinese neighbour told me he'd just opened a "Crows shop". I said, "Don't you mean a clothes shop?" He said, "A Crows shop!" I said, "OK, I might pop down for a Rook."
I wish mirrors and pictures would get together already and agree on what I really look like.
My grandfather's dying wish was to be pushed in front of a steam train. When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.
Two men walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it...
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
We don't serve time machines A Time machine walks into a bar
Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...
A double amputee was brought in for questioning after a shooting at a local convenience store. Police released the man soon after they discovered he was unarmed.
How can you tell if someone uses Apple products? Just wait and they'll tell you.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.
What do you call someone who only speaks one language? American
I have standards. I'm looking for a woman that 36-24-36. Age, IQ, Body fat %, that is.
How did spider-man reach the inner city kids? He web-slang
What do you call a fish that operates on brains? A brain sturgeon.
I'm pretty sober. But I'm prettier drunk.
Its not what it looks like officer! "you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n'sync" Ok I guess it was what it looked like
The good thing about necrophilia is you don't need to bring flowers. Most of the time they're usually already there. -Goerge Carlin
While on vacation the desk clerk at the London hotel told me I'd only get the key to my room if I presented him with 250 pounds... ... so I introduced him to my wife.
I thought of you last night while I was doing the dishes. Dirty right? Yep. That's right. Dishes were totally filthy.
What's Avagodro's favorite type of dip? GuacaMOLE
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
What did Who the clown use as his clown horn? Who nose?
Q: What do you call 4 blondes laying on the  beach? A: Public access.
What do you call the fruit of Islam? Quran-berries
I'd tell you guys a Casey Anthony joke.. But my mother would kill me.
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.
I want my children to have all the things that I never had. Like nice children...
Weed. Nature's way of saying high
2000 pounds of crap music = 1 reggaeton.
I got arrested today for masturbating in public My lawyer then told me that we'd beat this together.
Boss: "You're not suppose to be drinking on the job!" Me: "You're not suppose to cheat on your wife." Boss: "Keep up the good work sir."
I like my women how I like my wine. 8 years old and locked in a cellar.
My girlfriend didn't think I could make a car out of spaghetti... So I drove pasta.
BREAKING: Mel Gibson will reprise his role in the sequel to 'What Women Want'. The sequel will be called 'What Stupid Fucking Whores Want'.
Are you a sword smith? Because you sure know how to make long hard stabbing objects. (Pickup line)
Electrical engeneer An electrical engeneer had a strong shocking force, so strong that he thought he should lower it. He started to meditate jokingly and he said "ohms".
Why do bulimics love KFC? It comes with a bucket.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Why did the boy eat his homework? His dog died.
Children are the gift that keeps on taking.
A coffee shop opened up inside a strip club Its name is "Grinds for Divorce"
What do clouds wear under their pants? Thunderwear!
A man finds a job at an elephant circumcision office. His salary is so low that he wants to quit, but then he sees that the tips are huge!
Why did Michael Jackson not molest Macaulay Culkin? He wasn't hot enough.
My eyebrows were just trimmed during my haircut so I'm officially 80.
What do blondes and computer have in common? You never appreciate them until they go down on you. [Source](http://www.vice.com/kids-telling-dirty-jokes/david-741) edit: computers
People who clap when the plane lands don't aim particularly high do they?
I graduated with a 2:2 in Sports Journalism It would have been a 2:1 but they equalised at the last minute.
You don't put your dick in crazy because you'll probably get hurt... You don't put your dick in stupid because you'll probably get hertz
What's a Pedophile's favorite brand of shoe? White Vans
So why is it called the "funny bone"? BECASE IT'S ATTACHED TO YOUR HUMERUS
My dance partner dumped me for my best friend. Why? Was he a better dancer? Don't know I never met him.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Brain walks into a bar. or maybe was his name Brian? No, it was like bill or brad or something. Anyways that dude had the best weed.
What did the German policeman say to his nipples? You are under a vest!
Does your wife have dry lips? Because I saw her putting some chap's dick on her lips
What do you call someone who speaks only one language? An American.
*Cop Dog radios in* We've got an armed robbery in progress "What's that boy?" An armed robbery on 5th "Timmy's stuck in a well??"
Relationships and Algebra are very similar! Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
What are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well the flag for one is a big plus. Badum tss.
[last supper] "Wine!" exclaims Jesus touching everyone's water glasses. "Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol."
[god, creating chickens] Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don't care
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? I can't hear an enzyme.
What's your favourite one-liner?
I'm sorry I burned down your house, but the Mythbusters told me not to try it at home and you should really lock your doors when you go out.
Did you hear about the guy that could not afford personalized license plates? He changed his name to JLU 635.
I'm so proud of my self, I decided I'm going to stop procrastinating and do something with my life! Starting tomorrow...
Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I hate dividing fractions. Flipping reciprocals.
As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
What did the naughty rabbit leave for  Easter? Deviled eggs!
How do you tell Michael Jackson's age? You put a color scale next to his face.
I was going to do the dishes but they weren't in the mood.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
If marriage has taught me one thing in life, it's how to masturbate in bed without waking my wife up.
Guys my calendar is really sick.. I think its days are numbered.
How many whores does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change it, two to stick it in their assholes, and a final whore to film it.
I'm addicted to brake fluid But I can stop whenever I want
Why do North Americans hate playing chess? Cause they lack the towers.
she wears short skirts I eat pizza she's cheer captain and I'm still eating pizza
if trump was president and made trump insurance... the slogan would be "trump insurance,we build a wall around your house"
What kind of drugs do ducks use? Quack.
A termite walks into a bar and asks... "Is the bar tender here?"
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in their recipe.
What's the Russian President's favorite song? "Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.
I received the oddest dollar bill as change. When I looked closely, I noticed that George Washington was wearing face-paint, a wig, and round, red nose. It was obviously a clownterfeit.
Google announced their plan to launch an application to challenge the popular ride sharing app, Uber. The new faction in Google's enterprise should be called, Goober.
Its important to have a good vocabulary... If only I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
There was a fight outside a chippy the other day.... ... a poor cod got battered
Wife has been adding a little baby oil to her baths, which is cool because I have always wanted to quickly be laying down in the shower.
What do you call a bunch of skinny people stretching in the snow? Low-fat frozen yoga
[street fight] Come at me bro!! *guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles *I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
So I've been thinking the world's getting more pessimistic... What do you fucking retards think?
One More Hilarious Vampire Joke ...actually it sucks.
I told this girl to call me when she got home I guess she's homeless.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow." Dunno, think it's a little pretentious.
Why does tigger have no friends? Because he plays with pooh.
Old McDonald had a farm and it grew delicious, non-biodegradable french fries.
JOB OPENING: Entry-level for recent college grads. Minimum 87 years of experience required.
Knock Knock Come in.
"Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?" "I stayed in" "Oh"
I discovered it's not a good idea to eat baklava while wearing a balaclava.
"Mmmm Brians" - a dyslexic or gay zombie
What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents? Slayer.
Apparently, "I just assumed" is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the "heavy flow" tampons.
This looks like a job for.. *I rip open my jacket* Jacket Repair Man! *I sew my jacket back together*
my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn't want such a beautiful child he should've kept it in his pants
What happens when you tell a sexist joke to a feminist mod? [Removed]
How many men does it take to moderate /r/MensRights ? None. There are no *men* there.
9/10 dentists know where to find cavities The other one knows where to find lions.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs. So far I've got 50,000 signatures.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
Professor: "Did you just show up drunk to my exam?" No way "Hungover then?" Nope "There's a lime wedge on your face"
I was making out with my girlfriend in my car when she said "OOH DARMOK!! KISS ME DOWN WHERE IT SMELLS!" ...so I drove her to New Jersey.
Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.
Her: Let's each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can't get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who's yours? Me: The babysitter
Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?
I lost two things today... Job in a morgue . . . . . . . . . . . and virginity
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They're efficient, and don't have much of a sense of humour.
if i had a dollar for every time i had sex i'd be homeless
9/11 jokes are hurtful to me. My dad died that day The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia. Sniff.
What is the square root of 69? Ate Something! ("8 something", actually 8.306)
So a Syrian refugee walks into a bar in Hungary. No, he doesn't.
What's the easiest thing to lift with a forklift? A palette.
Fidel Castro is dead Trump don't mess about.
"It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.
My wife has the body of a 16 year old She keeps it in the fridge.
Math puns... ... are a sure sine that you are going crazy.
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
You know you were a fat baby.., When the doctor had to get the jaws of life to remove you from your mother.
How do you find a black person? Guilty.
My baby's sick. We used rectal thermometer on him & he didn't even mind. Looks like we might have a little choreographer on our hands.
Why didn't the feminist shave her arm pits? Just kidding, just wanted to rile a few people up. But if you want to have a punchline contest, feel free.
Why is Six afraid of Seven Because Seven is a Six offender.
If a man uses pickup lines on a girl... Would you call it Clitbait?
My Christian friend got caught masturbating to a hymn It gave a whole new meaning to 'O Come All Ye Faithful'
"The Godfather" teaches us that: 1. Nothing is more important than family and 2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
What do they do to dead scientists? They barium.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR FANNYPACK WANT TO GO IN THE VENDING MACHINE.
Whats black and white and red all over? A [removed]paper
What will be on the Denny's Menu when ISIS takes over? The Grand I-slam
A geeky joke: An SQL Query walks into a bar... ... and joins two tables.
Famous last words "with this snow, the road looks like a sidewalk!" Jimmy exclaimed, Famous last words...
I always wanted to be just like my mother. Today I'm working on dramatically clutching my throat when I'm told the price of anything.
One of my favorite hockey jokes Son: Dad, what's the playoffs? Father: I don't know son, were maple leaf fans.
What's your favourite colour? I love green 'cos it reminds me of blue.
Why is Iran called Iran? Because when I saw the bombs, I*ran*
Why can't the homeless ever get by in America? because there's no chaaaannggggeeeee
What did the slice of pork say to the attractive woman.... ....you may be hot, but I'm bacon!!!
Like something you'd find on laffy taffy On a scale of 1-10 how high was Carl? 420
When I was young I wanted to be smart, like my dad ... he also wants to be smart!
What do you call a horny priest? A firm believer.
So in 60,000 years the only thing the Aborigines have invented was a returning stick. Oh i meant to post this on /r/facts
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fowl.
There are 10 kinds of people: Those who can read binary, and those who can not.
I recently got fired from a calender factory All i did was take a day off
My First Original - A female patient visits her Gyno and says "I've got something stuck in my vagina!!!" the Gynecologist says "I'll look into it"
When I told my boyfriend love has to come from both ways... ...he suggested a threesome
For my birthday... For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy's really improved
Like most movies. My uncle showed me big things in his trailer.
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says "Open somewhere else"?
You can never be too OCD You can only be *just right*.
What's the smartest thing that's come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock. Taken from the movie 300 Miles to Graceland.
A young boy goes to his father and says "Dad, I think my gym teacher is gay". His father says "Why do think that?" The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."
A Jewish kid walks up to his grandfather.... A jewish kid walks up to his grandfather and says "Hey poppa, can I have 50 dollars?" And the grandfather responds "40 dollars? I don't have 30 dollars."
What do you call it when two Mexicans were in a car accident and one had both legs amputated? Juan and a half
Did you hear about the gay dog? It was a Golden Receiver.
A girl once asked me if she was fat I told her that she was beautiful. In fact, she could model in a summer swimsuit catalog if she wanted. I hear they're casting for beach balls.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I'm pretty good at getting divorced men I date to give their ex another chance.
why was the sand wet? because the sea-weed.
Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie? It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.
What is the difference between an onion and a hooker? I am not crying when chopping up the hooker. Thank you and goodbye forever!!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You don't know?
A man walks into a bar with some tarmac under his arm... And said: "one for me and one for the road"
If you think 7 years of bad luck is too much for breaking a mirror ... try breaking a condom.
Q: How did the frog cross the road when a truck was coming? A: SPLAT!!! He didn't.
TIL that regardless of the technical definition... your girlfriend will not appreciate being called a tramp.
What happened when Red-Beard's ship and Blue-Beard's ship crashed into each other? They were MAROONED!
Why do birch trees only have daughters? Cuz they kill the male birch trees. Nobody likes those sons of birches.
Why do cops make good farmers? They're good at planting evidence.
"Do unto others and stuff." (Lesser-known brother, Josh Christ)
Why do people get divorced in the holiday season? Because they Marry Christmas!
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz Toto: OK but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it Dorothy: [inhaling] Toto: FFS
"Y'know, she was actually pretty convincing." - Me walking out of a movie where Meryl Streep plays a Chinese UFC fighter
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
If a midget smokes weed... does he get high, or medium?
I'm dyslexic, atheist &amp; insomniac I stayed up all night wondering if there really is a doG
Whats a Floridian hookers favorite drink? Sunny-D
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Why did the Muslim comedian blow himself up? For Allahf
A man fell in a pit in the grocery store He was there to buy (w)hole milk.
Why does the Pope only eat munchkins? Cause they're the holy part of the donut!
Sunny today but its not sunday (its Saturday). Really gets you thinking.
I cant believe i got fired from the calendar factory All i did was take a day off.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
What do you call it when a person has a fear of Vietnamese food? They have a Pho-bia!
Why is a violin difficult to play? Because it is fiddly!
People with more than 2 numbers in their username probably belong in prison.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her up as an altar boy..
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as "famous."
Chinese salesman I had a long talk with a Chinese man selling shoes the other day. It was a pleasant converse-asian.
I love dead baby jokes. They never get old.
"So You Think You Can Keep Your Stupid Talent to Yourself and Stop Bothering People?" would be a show I'd watch.
they say a camera adds 5 pounds. that being the case, do african children even exist?
Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube? It was a pleasure to burn.
[A-ha rehearsal] "Here's the lyric: Take On Me." "What about Take Me On?" [4 hrs of arguing later] "Ok we'll say both. Now let's get perms."
I went to a job interview at EA The interviewer, after reading my CV, said: "I see that this CV was clearly printed on two pages, but I only have one. Where's the other one?" "Page two is 19.99$"
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they're getting insulted or complimented daily.
Why did the snowman smile? He heard that the snow-blower was in town.
Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has it's pros and Khans
Why did the little girl bury her flashlight? Her batteries were dead.
What do Mike Jones and an owl have in common? Who?
What's a porn stars favorite drink? 7up in cider
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Ellen pao Punchline is in the title whoops
An elephant never walks into a bar He only drinks to forget
A new vending machine opened up at isis headquarters today... It was called the allahu snackbar.
Channing Tatum's next movie... Magic Mike - Big &amp; Tall
Why couldn't Princess Leia find love? She was looking in Alderaan places.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My new years resolution........ Hopefully 4k 55''
Why did the campfire turn into a forest fire? It wanted to get off its ash.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin Mcallister because I'm always going home alone
What's orange and sounds like a parrot.. A carrot
Which burgers can tell your fortune? Medium burgers!
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
A schizophrenic soldier took an enemy battalion prisoner. It was easy, he had them surrounded.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called, they wanna know if you could turn down your TV, they've already heard this episode of Law & Order.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
What did the laziest man in the world win? Atrophy.
Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing? A: Miscarriage This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My wife told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. I stuck it in her 3 times and punched her arm.
What insect would Richard Simmons be? Is he a ladybug or a fruit fly?
Mexican Olympic Team Why doesn't Mexico send a team to the Summer Olympics? Because all the one that can run, jump, or swim are already in the US.
Officer: have you been drinking? Me: no sir 0: you were swerving M: Twitter O: oh, I'm on Twitter what's your handle M: yes, I was drinking
What do you call an alligator with a vest on?... ...an investigator.
What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? [X-post from /r/SacrilegiousHumor] Church
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I wish crappy people weren't allowed to like my favorite band.
"My lips are sealed." -Virgins.
What do get when you mix two breads? A hy-bread
What's a clown's favorite restaurant? (mod post from r/AntiJokes) I wouldn't know, as a mime I cannot comment.
When I was young I was so poor I had to jerk off the dog to feed the cat
As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters ..until I realised they weren't to scale.
I had a really long dream last night that I was a muffler under a car. When I woke up this morning I was exhausted!
I got off at the wrong bus stop. She was so hot I didn't even see the policeman.
What do you do on a date with a feminist? Split the bill.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There's no episode where a man asks a woman 'what's wrong?'
What do you call a hard drive in a hydraulic press? File compression
Just because I don't talk to you, or text you first, doesn't mean I don't miss you. I'm just waiting for you to miss me.
Christmas gift Mom walks to her son "Johnny, what would you like for Christmas - a brother or a sister?" she asks "Well, I'd like a sled, but I don't know if your vagina can handle that." he replies.
I'm sorry, you'll have to repeat that. I'm not fluent in nonsense.
I think I've figured out Dr Who's first name Guess
"With great power, comes great responsibility" - - Melania Trump
My friend says he has a job putting down sick cats. Can't believe he gets paid to slay mad pussy
What should PMS be called? Ovary-acting
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Why do fencers make terrible Redditors? They always riposte. ^^^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^^is ^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^riposte ^^^^^^^^too
Why do Tajikistani people wear trucker hats? Cuz they're from Douche-anbe!
"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE" KID: *goes kicking and screaming* TEEN: You can't do this, I have plans tonight ADULT: Thank you so much
robin williams punchlines were always on point i never thought he would ultimately leave us hanging
Harry says to Hermione: "Hey Hermione, guess how I got my dick to be 12 inches?" Hermione sarcastically responds: "I don't know Harry... Magic?" Harry: "I folded it in half."
Best internet joke in a long time Frontier Communications
Why do maxi-pads hate tampons so much? Because tampons are stuck up cunts
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
Whats the difference between a white owl and black owl? A white owl goes : Who? Who? A black owl goes : Who dat? who dat?
Second Honeymoon Wife was reading a travel magazine and asked her husband.. "Honey, should we try Greece for our second honeymoon?" Husband replied "What's wrong with KY?"
Your mom's so poor She has to name her town in animal crossing Value Village.
Car's favorite dance? Brake Dance
If I start removing my earrings while maintaining eye contact, you're either in for the fuck of your life, or you'd better fucking run.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don't drink "You wanna be cool don't you?" I don't drink "C'mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
I had to fire my secretary after she got implants... She used to work for a flat rate, then she demanded I pay her an inflated rate.
Why shouldn't you listen to people who have just come out of the swimming pool? Because they are all wet.
Religion or science? Science flies you to the moon, Religion flies you into buildings
They say curiosity killed the cat, but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place
How long is a chinese person So is his brother.
What's the difference between Putin and Poutine? Umm... I don't know ... I've got nothing.
Scientists find new way to measure pregnancy Placentage
Operator: 911, what's your emergency. Me: I'm 33 and I tried to do a cartwheel.
Teacher: Any questions *raises hand* T: NO DUMB ONES "Can you see continent names from space" T: FOR FU-..ugh...Not if it's cloudy bud
Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That's like naming your kid Dentist.
How do Italians light their dynamite? With a fuse-illi.
Friendship: because I've said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The three reasons for liking a status: 1) I agree with you. 2) I realize this is about me, of course I'm gonna like it. 3) I like you.
I have a great relation ship with Jesus He mows my lawn for $6 an hour
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If you ever get cold, just go hang out in a corner... They are usually 90 degrees.
I decided to open a new business that builds doors for obese people, it shall be called Mordor.
[At vet] Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells. Vet: What have you been feeding him? Me: Egg shells.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I'm proud of him, I doubt he'll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
ive learned that asians will always make Wong decisions when driving...
What did the old chimney say to the younger chimney? You're too young to smoke!
I thought it was a booger... But itsnot.
What do you call a gangster Hobbit? Yolo Swaggins
When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!
It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
What do you call a black man flying a plane A pilot, what're you racist?
What did the melon say to his daughter after she tried to get married? You cant-elope!
Me and my girlfriend of 16 years split apart yesterday... It was a bad car accident. I really do miss my right hand.
Where do noobs live in Iceland? Rekt-javik
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
When someone texts you "hahahahaha!!" instead of "haha" or "lol", you know you've done well.
I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach... I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
My girlfriend told me I'm starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
2 weeks sober. I'm 2 weeks Sober, Unintentionally. Now I'm sitting here wondering why good things happen, to bad people.
(Generic title that catches your attention) (Mildly amusing pun)
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
What do you get when you cross a Judge and a Potato? A Dicktater
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math! Me: Seriously?! It's 2AM and I'm leading a meeting tomorrow
TIL back in the day there were only 25 letters in the alphabet. Nobody knew y.
Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes? There was a sin tax error. [8.5]
YO MAMA SO STUPID WHEN THEY SAID THAT IT IS CHILLY OUTSIDESHE WENT OUTSIDE WITH A BOWL AND A SPOON.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
How do you tell a British guy that it's his turn to play ball? "Europe"
What's the difference between a feminist and an archangel that dislikes Biblical prophets? One is a Dan-hating Mike. The other is a man-hating dyke. edit: spelling because of anal dykes
Sometimes I lie in bed at night, looking up at the stars and think Where the hell did the ceiling go?
How cute does one have to be to make sparks fly? Electro cute
How are American beer and having sex in a boat similar ? They are both fucking close to water
The cat's in the cradle....OMG. It ate the baby.
Jack went to see the camp nurse. 'I  fell last night' he said. 'And I was unconscious for eight hours.' The nurse was shocked. 'How awful. What happened?' 'I fell asleep!'
Why do Native Americans make the best strippers? Their dancing can make it rain.
The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal. "Look guys," I explain. "When I said I had a pot belly..."
What's 20 foot long, screams like a banshee and has no pubes? The front row of a One Direction concert.
I like my coffee like I like my..... women: ground up and in the freezer.
If con is the opposite of pro... It must mean congress is the opposite of progress.
I need to burn 644,098 calories at the gym today.
To the person who stole my shoes at the McDonald's playplace: Please grow up.
What do young ghosts call their parents?  Deady and Mummy.
A blonde and a brunette are discussing the previous night out... The brunette says, "Last night I slept with a Brazilian." "Oh my god!" the blonde replies. "How many is THAT?"
What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose ? I'm not sure but I wouldn't try smelling it !
Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims in Oklahoma and Texas They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light
I got teased by my friends, because they thought my girlfriend was imaginary Jokes on them - they are too.
[JOB INTERVIEW] {Don't let them know you're a tectonic plate} "What would you say is your biggest fault?" San Andreas?
What do you call a cat that torrents movies? A copy cat.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) A bunch of freeloaders lie around in bed & support themselves by violating child labor laws.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months? Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.
Why did Hitler commit suicide suddenly? He lost the war.and he did Nazi that coming..
I sat on the edge of my bed, gently tugging off my boxers... ;) My wife thinks I spoil those dogs.
How many ninjas does it take to... Where did that lightbulb come from?!
Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations? They don't believe in higher powers.
When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer naked, it's art. When I do it, I'm drunk and told to leave Home Depot.
Why didn't the penguin close on his mortgage? He had cold feet.
Took a window fitting course the other day. Smashed it.
A One Liner Tried to catch some fog yesterday.....but I mist.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone's battery.
What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator? A huge mess.
What size bed comfortably fits a married couple? Twin. Because the husband has to sleep on the couch.
Why Did the Native Americans Car Break Down? Their Injun died on them!
How amphetamine addiction is called? Need for Speed.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Jeffrey Dahmer was HOT. He had the body of a much younger man.
Wal-Mart Announced It Will No Longer Sell Confederate Flag-related Products As a result, it has also announced it will close 1000 stores by 2016.
Video games don't cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can't hurt anyone.
What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM A blonde going through a flashing red light. No offense to blondes lol
What's Donald Trumps favorite juice? Orangu-Tang
What do you call a coffee shop where drug deals go down? The trappe!
How do you make German potato pancakes? Cook them in the microwave
Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? Mr. Bigger's baby, because he's just a little Bigger.
If both kids are screaming.... ....both kids are alive. It's science
How can you tell that your dog just gave birth? It is now a parent.
Fantasy Football Why won't fantasy football let me pick up Aaron Hernandez? He'd be killing on my team!
Advent calendars Their days are numbered...
Man: Your place or mine? Women: Both, you go to yours and I'll go to mine.
My wife is fucking awesome. Although usually I prefer to go by Steven.
The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
An unconvincing lie on a resume I good English speak.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I'm starting a band. It'll be called "The disease" just so I can call Chris Martin to tell him he is part of neither the cure nor the disease.
why do queens play poker in the bathroom? so they'll always get a royal flush
How did the Redditor get stuck in a loop? I don't know, check the post above me.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it. Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
The neck pillow I was using on the Greyhound bus turned out to be an adult diaper somebody left on the seat.
What happened when Billy Mays's ghost floated into the rave? Everyone started partying like it was $19.99.
There is one instrument I just can't stand.. The Sitar
What do you have to bring if you visit r/nsfw_gifs? Giffy Lube.
Helen Keller walks into a bar Then a table, then a stool...
The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.
Did you hear about the new circumcision clinic opening up? I hear the doctors only work for tips.
Blondes.... Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? A: They think their picture is being taken.
"I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls
What's the hardest thing about skydiving? The ground.
What's the difference between a Priest and Pimples? Pimples don't come on your face until you're at least 13.
I used to be addicted... to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around (x-post from /r/jokes)
Two guys are having sex with a nun. One guy looks at the other, "what are you doing?" "nun, what about you?" "nun."
What's the difference between an oyster fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? The fisherman shucks between fits.
It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69. That's how they found me underneath their bed.
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
Whats a Plumber's favorite vegetable? A Leek!
*something awful happens* *checks if Mercury is in retrograde*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time, too.
The Zika virus is officially sexually transmitted... Be careful next time you ask for "a little head, baby."
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Howcome you can't see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it.
90 years from now, they'll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great "Instagram Selling Your Photos" skirmish.
I just ordered a party hat for a cat over the Internet while flying on a plane at 35,000 feet. We should really stop inventing stuff.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
My girlfriend got an abortion She said she didn't want another sister to compete with.
A starfish has five arms. An anablep has four eyes. An octopus has three hearts. And you've got two faces.
A sentence and depression What does a "sentence" and "two months of depression hoping that you didn't get your girlfriend pregnant have in common"? They both end in periods
Two Cookies Two cookies are baking in an oven. The first cookie says, "Man it's hot in here." The second cookie says, "Holy crap! A talking cookie!"
Tasty Tattoo My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other. She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Not to brag, but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
It's weird when I'm sitting on the couch and my cat walks by and looks at me but keeps walking cause he's living his own life.
A man goes to visit the doctor Man: Did the test results come back? Doc: Yes, and the prognosis isn't good. Man: Well how long do I have? Doc: About 10. Man: 10 what? Years? Months? Doc: 8... 7....
I'd tell you the joke about the paper But it's tearable.
You can't run thru a camp ground But you can ran through a camp ground because it's past tentse
A man walks into a confessional and farts... Upon hearing the priest start to gag he says, "Forgive me Father, for I have wind."
That's the story about a penguin breathing by his ass One-day he sit and dye
Why did the black man cross the road? Black men always follow the chicken.
[Sunday morning] *congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church* - mass unfollowing
I haven't Seen my whole family since last year
My girlfriend told me that she's sick of me pretending I'm a cat Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a cat. I packed your bags. I want you to go." Me: "Wait, are you kicking MEEEOOWWT???"
What do crack addicts sing while caroling? All I Want for Christmas is my two front teeth!
Have you seen the trailer for *Constipated*? That's because it hasn't come out yet
[Airport terminal] *waits at baggage claim area* *an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel* *I check the tag to make sure it's mine*
How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus? It was a no brainer.
X used to mark the spot but.. fuck waiting for you to get it on your own X gon deliver to you
What's the warmest organ in a dead woman's body? My dick.
"Great, those annoying white people that talk loud and take all the good seats just walked in" -everyone else in the coffee shop in Friends.
My friend is concerned about his online dating luck... I told him not to worry -- There are plenty of fish in the net!
Today I lost my viriginity to a disabled woman I just wanted it to be special.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Witty Vachan on Twitter, This is hilarious https://twitter.com/WittyVachan/status/636626830607282176
Why did your sister refuse the gift of a  Japanese car ? Because she'd never be able to learn the language
They are writing a biography about my dick Ok. Ok. A pamphlet.
Why are families only allowed 1 child in China? The government is opposed to euthanasia.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance We'll see about that.
Me: Okay... Time for bed. Brain: Cool. Me: Brain: Me: Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry... or Perry??
That'll do it! How do you kill a vegetarian vampire? You stab him with a steak to the heart.
Ever hear the one about the midget and the razor blade? Me either, it got cut short.
That awkward moment when you're supposed to be cleaning your room and you put on music and it turns into a dance party for  one.
What do you call a greedy roman god? Jewpiter.
Did you hear about the band the hipster liked? No, no you didn't.
I like my jokes like my coffee bland
What does the Interstellar soundtrack and a porno film have in common? Swelling organs.
Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy? "Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent."
What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur? A Lickalotopus
What do Kodak film and John Lennon have in common? They both came in a yellow box
The University of Alabama is the only place... where Ancestry.com and eHarmony are one and the same.
Think I might run a marathon just to prove to myself that I can do something pointless and awful.
how do you know when you are in love? When she taps you on the ass and says "Its in *Love*" **Taxi**
In light of Wednesday in Texas Talk about a clock block.
How did NASCAR get that name? Redneck: 'That's nascar ye got there."
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can't sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake? Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich* *grabs beer* *sits on couch; turns on TV* Him: Ma'am, this is an open house Me: I need the full experience
Whoever said that blood is thicker than water is plainly a) Fond of stating the obvious, and b) Not a member of my family.
What's the difference between a Lima Bean and a Chick Pea? I never payed a hundred bucks to have a Lima Bean on my face.
Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? She wants to be the first lady.
Haiku to the cheating girlfriend A haiku is five, then seven then five again, but who cares you whore
"Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom" the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Guy at the gym tried selling me fake steroids... Bro, do you even grift?
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a  shark ? A bird that will talk you ear off !
Just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday, never again!
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot? A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.
Shrodingers cat walks in to a bar and doesn't.
What is Al Qaeda's Favorite Football Team? The New York Jets.
Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but  oats every day? He fell in love with the Grand National winner!
How do you make a blind moan? Kick him in the balls
What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!
Why did Sally fall of off the swing.... Because she didn't have any arms. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I like my coffee like I like my women... beat up and dragged in a burlap sack over the Andes Mountains.
Dick Van Dyke's real name.. Penis Van Lesbian
what type of meat does the pope eat? nun
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba na na nas
I like to use big words that I don't understand- they make me seem more photosynthesis.
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Jeep? With the hedgehog the pricks can be seen on the outside and with a Jeep the prick can be seen on the inside.
They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple. Clearly, the book was altered. Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.
Yo momma so stupid She went into a round room and tried to take a shit in the corner.
Do you know the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? Only one of them will stop screwing you after you're dead.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won WIFE: what'd u wish for? M: uh world peace W: Nice *human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what's up?
Why are gay prostitutes so expensive in China? Because there aren't any free erections.
Two peanuts walk into a bar... One of them was a salted.
A spinoff of Zootopia would have lampooned any people from a certain fandom who drew NSFW pictures of the two leads and shipped them. Alas, *Furry Vengeance* was already taken.
I don't like having long hair... ...but it's kind of growing on me
Why were the people in the Twin Towers so upset about their pizza order? They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane.
I've been drinking and trying to think of a great tweet for a few hours now and here it is: FARTS
why doe s porn hub even have a share to google + button? I dont want any one to know i have a google +...
Guys, I just found a BUNCH of Mohicans!
I don't know what disease causes blurry genitals, but Japan has an epidemic of it. Can't we help them?!
Once upon a time there was a Z & D. Then someone tipped Z over. The ND.
The worst part of taking calc class Every day, I deal with my e^x
What's Terrance Howard's favorite Radiohead song? "(1 x 1 = 2) + 2 = 5"
Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.
What is Bill Cosby's arch-nemesis? Smelling salts.
Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
hello poison control. i need some poison asap, my kid is being a real piece of shit. yes i'll hold.
My girlfriend says I listen to too much Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Do you think bin men get training... ... Or do they just pick it up as they go along?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the pre-school? He woke up.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don't know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Two peanuts walk into a bar... One was a salted.
I don't eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised. Which is why I eat well-loved children.
There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.
(bet ya never heard this one) Your mama so slutty.... she gobbles more balls than hungry hungry hippos
I've found that nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public. Especially if you don't know them.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? More than 4, because my basement is still dark.
Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
Does this subreddit like jokes about sodium? "Na"
I'm not sure if I have constipation or diarrhoea. I'll find out by a process of elimination.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!
I was born with abnormally large arms.... ...the doctor said I was very humerus
A leopard can carry something twice its weight into a tree and a cougar can carry something half her age to bed.
What do baseball teams and muffins have in common? They both rely on a good *batter*
Where's Waldo wears stripes... because he doesn't want to be spotted
"Say hello to my knitted friend!" -Scarfface
"I'm great in bed" ~ breakfast
I call my dick Little Ceasers. It's hot and ready but it tastes like shit.
Why are rosary beads so small? Because altar boys are really tight.
I see London. I see France. This is a very comprehensive Atlas.
It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.
Stranger adds me to facebook *has a panic attack* Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter *does victory dance*
Pc Does anybody knows how to clean a laptop without opening it
I'm really good at not paying my bills. They all say "OUTSTANDING!"
Q: Why do most people have trouble obtaining blood transfusions in Taiwan? A: Because they only have Taipei.
What is the difference between me and being artistic? The second letter.
Sex ed. It's the in thing.
If you had a million dollars and gave away one  quarter and another quarter and then another quarter how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
How many people with OCD does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. It *has* to be seven.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, "Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?"
Oh you have a hard time gaining weight? That's cool. Here, hold this grenade.
I think the worst part about making your own porn movie is . . . . . .when the couple hear you in the cupboard
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer.. He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment
What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool? A baby with slashed floaties. What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool? Floaties with a slashed baby.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
When a blonde goes to London on a plane how can you steal her window seat ? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row
How do you know if air fresheners have gotten too smart? If they have become scent-ient.
[At Fancy Restaurant] Her: I'll have the oxtail topped with quail egg. Him: Gimme a steak. Her: *glares Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Whats the difference... Between a hormone and and enzyme? You cant hear an enzyme.
My wife has just given birth for the first time.... I don't know who I feel more sorry for, my son for being ginger or my wife for having to bring him up on her own.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you can even see it.
When you get turned on by the idea of the government watching you masturbate That's just you feeling Illumi-naughty.
"There's no use crying over spilt milk." Unless you spill it on a winning Powerball ticket, then you should probably cry.
The worst part of locking your keys in your car What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car by the abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask to borrow a coat hanger
I just read an article that says diarrhea is hereditary. Apparently it runs in your jeans.
I wish that people who hear me sing could hear how awesome I sound in my head instead of how I actually sound.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.
WHY DID YOUR MUM ASK FOR FOOD? Edward Macaroni fork
A black man walks into a bar, with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks: "Where'd you get that?" "The jungle." Replied the parrot.
What did the baby call the strip club? An all you can eat buffet
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger] ME (from inside): Who is it?
What do you call a stripper with a cattle prod? Electrifying entertainment.
I was about to sleep with a blind girl when she said, "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on"... I responded, "You're pulling my leg."
what's the longest word in a black man's dictionary? sheeeeeeeeeeeeit..
My buddy drowned the other day I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.
I bet a crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
A jew buys a round of drinks for the entire bar .
What's the difference between a dead prostitute and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Food scientists are reportedly working on a new helium-infused dough Which is great, in case you knead to get high.
Can't believe it's been four years since we all pretended Michael Jackson never touched a child.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that's not a reason to exercise, then I don't know what is.
What's grey and bad for your teeth? A hammer.
In America, you support the government In Soviet Russia, the government supports you!
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-Na-Na-Na!
My friend got a job fastening metal plates together. He hates it. He says it's not fun or interesting, which I dont understand. I think his job is riveting.
"Creation science" has the same intellectual heft as "dragon anatomy".
HELP! We need your best joke you have! We will choose the best joke and make a video of it, just for you!
I liked that new movie about the masseuse. It had a happy ending.
Have you heard the new Jingle for Subway? Five... five toddlers... five toddlers, touched dongs... pedo pedo pedo!
Someone told me my math skills were average. I replied that they were just being mean.
Some cats just sit there looking at you like you owe them money.
Reminder: 2011 should be pronounced "twenty eleven." Prince did not sing about partying "like it's one thousand nine hundred ninety-nine."
I think I have a genetic predisposition to diarrhea... It runs in my jeans.
I wouldn't mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren't coming from my wife.
Damn Pedophiles... Back at it again with the white vans
Why did tomato blush? because it saw the salad dressing
Two wrongs don't make a right Take your parents for example.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, "Wow you're, like, older than my dad!"
Some people go to the gym to get big Who needs that when I can just carry the weight of my burdens and sorrows all day
You really shouldn't anthropomorphize in animate objects. They really don't like it.
If a candidate takes Virginia.. it will make his caucus hard.
Today I went to a zoo. It was empty except for a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Guys, I have good news, and bad news. The bad news is I don't actually have any good news. But the good news is that I don't actually have any bad news.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...
Just filled a bird bath with ranch dressing so my feathered friends have something to dip worms in. Pay it forward, everybody.
What's brown and gurgles? A baby in a casserole
What is Fetty Wap's favorite time? 5:38 PM.
Last year I got so hammered on Good Friday I woke up in a cave three days later
What a group of musical chemists called? Butane Clan
What sound does a Baroque chicken make? Bach Bach Bach Bach
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it's shaken not stirred
Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Only if he's a billionaire. Credits to Kevin Hart
There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland I mean, the flag itself is a big plus.
A stamp collector walks into a bar... He walks up to the hostess and says, "You're more beautiful than any stamp in my collection" She replied, "Philately will get you nowhere."
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because she suspected that 7 knew she had witnessed a murder he had committed the night before.
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain,..... Can a hooker get laid off?
*Knock Knock* "Who's there?" HOLD THE DOOR!! HOLD THE DOOR!!! HOL THE DOOR! HOL DA DOR! HO DA DOR! :'(
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn't scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination? Haaaaannnnndd eeeyyyyyyeeeeee
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Why aren't there any Walmarts in the middle east? Because there's Targets around every corner.
How do you know you're wife is too fat? You're using Google maps to find her g spot...
"my dad works at Nintendo" "No he doesn't ur such a liar" *Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat* "Hey sport, good day at school?"
What's red and bad for your teeth... a brick
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a 'bloodshed,' well I've just about given up on you
How to Spot a Blind Nudist How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach? Well it's not hard, really...
So, I've recently started a whiskey diet... I've lost three days already.
"What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?" "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."
I will gladly eat anything I find in a fridge unless you put your name on it, in which case I will be full of guilt and shame when I eat it.
this guys with premature ejaculation problems Just comes out of nowhere
Kanye's daughter's first hit single. . . North by North West
Did you hear about the cow that doesn't give any milk? It's an udder disappointment.
There was a Spanish magician... And he was performing for a crowd. He told the crowd that he would dissapear into thin air. So he counted: UNO! DOS! And he dissapeared without a tres.
How does the redneck help his wife with the dishes? He gets her Dawn.
What did Luke get for pulling Darth Vader's face mask off? A 15 yard penalty.
A mathematician walks into a bar There are now two counters
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
My daughter wanted to have a Disney princess tea party. I couldn't find the tea or the dresses, so I settled for Taco Belle.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I could have sworn I saw spearmint flavored fig newtons at the shop the other day. But it turns out they were just a fig-mint of my imagination.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? It couldn't find home
What did the Elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe out of that little thing?
Whats the best thing you get out of a penis? The wrinkles.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I'm afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
There's that man in Utah that makes cheese all by himself. They call him the Provo Lone guy.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Why did god invent whiskey? (x-post /r/drunkjokes) So the Irish would never rule the world
Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers? they only had one pickup
Relationship status: outside my wife's window, holding John Cusack over my head.
Heard the one about the corduroy pillowcase? It's making headlines.
Why do people buy expensive rims? they're investing in wheel estate.
A soprano and a violinist fall off a cliff at the same time. Who does first? Who dies first? No one cares. :/
My grandmother voted Republican until the day she died. Ever since then, she's voted Democrat.
Wife: The kids opened the "private" drawer in my nightstand. Me: THE drawer? Wife: Yeah. Great. There go our Oreos.
What are the odds of a chronic gambler ever calling the addiction-helpline? No seriously, I've got $100 riding on this.
What do a black guy and a paraplegic have in common? They're both only three fifths of a person
What's a pirate's favorite Antivirus? Avast.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he's happy you waved to him?
What happened to the Italian chef when he died? He *pasta way*.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A dead poodle with an 18 inch wide asshole.
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think... Is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?
My girlfriend buys candles the same way I buy weed. She looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it, then lights it on fire to relax
Q: What did the Pink Panther say when he  stepped on an ant? A: "Dead ant Dead Ant ... Dead ant Dead Ant .. Dead Ant" (to the tune of Pink Panther theme).
This one's mainly for Mexicans and Texans. What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo? "Davey.... are we pouring concrete today??"
I was trying to recall what size shirt to get my friend the psychic, then I remembered.....medium, of course.
What did the football fan say to the paedophile footballer? Come on my son.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
What's the worst hereditary disease? Cousins
My old frog of 10 years finally croaked last night He'd been mute for years
Mommy, they call me nymphomaniac at school... -Don't worry Lissa, it's just kid's stuff. Now you go to sleep before dark, or the Boogeyman will come at eat you. -Yeah! He should come and eat my pussy!
I read Sci Fi the same way that I read recipes I skip to the end and think, "that'll never happen"
Ugh I hate when I go to shoot someone with a gun and then realize I accidentally packed my hot glue gun and end up scrapbooking for hoourrrs
A: We are moving to nicer street B: So are we going to more peaceful one A: Really? You are moving too? B: No, we are staying
"Still upset about earlier?" Yeah "So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal" I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
A guy walks up to his friend and says... "What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?" His friend says "I don't know" The guy says, "Nothing, you already told her twice."
Wearin' aviators tells the world you're a bad mamma jamma who ain't afraid to shin kick a terrorist or smoke a lawn flamingo if need be.
What instrument do skeletons play? A trombone!
what's a slice of cheese's secret fetish? mature. I'll pack up and leave.
There once was a man from Peru Whose limerick was three lines too few.
Did you used to blow bubbles when you were younger? Well, he's back in town lookin' for ya!
What do you call a cold cafe worker? A burrrista.
chuck norris's daughter had her virginity stolen:chuck norris stole it back
You're so fake, Barbie is jealous.
I'm the last one on Earth... My diet is now peanut butter, honey please come back.
Why can't bike stand on its own? ...because it's two tired.
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key.
They call me the Weatherman when I'm playing basketball Because I'm never accurate.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
I'm not racist because racism is a crime... And crimes are for black people.
What do you call a cheating wife? a Jenny
Why are 90 degree angles so cocky? Because they are always right
What do you say when an episode of explosive diarrhoea turns into a round of smooth poop? What a wondrous *turd* of events.
Two Jews walk into a bar... And try to think of more "fine" ideas to fuck up the Internet.
Why are Holocaust jokes never clean? Because they're full of Germans.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
Why couldn't the chameleon change colors? Because it had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a caboose that changes its gender? A trains-vestite.
People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy
Why did Jon Snow go to the Apple Store? For the Watch.
Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren't in my house
Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
[interrogation] "Where were u on the nite of the 5th?" Stabbing a guy. "Louder for the tape." [leans in] Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Regarding today's semi-final: What is the difference between Brazil and a brassiere? One is full of boobs, while the other is a piece of clothing.
Just downloaded the MySpace app and my iPad transformed into a Commodore 64.
What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? Paddy O'Furniture! (Happy St. Patrick's Day)
I won't believe the Groundhog saw his shadow until he updates his Facebook status.
Don't judge me until you've walked a mile with my shoes....shoved up your ass.
Or any other Lie! Bro1: Why are you upset? Bro2: I text my GF but she doesn't reply back Bro1: Don't be upset bro, she may doesn't see it, or his mobile dead or she was sleeping or any other lie...
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but can't run!
Ladies; When a guy says he "just wants to be friends" he means with your v@gina.
Whats the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas? When he gets a sweater, but he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.
What do rednecks say after they broke up? We can still be brother and sister.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won't know what she is saying* ME: [to the kids] I don't know either.
Help she is suffering from anal seizures? No she is just twerking.
[courtroom] Timothy: I was not involved Victor: Nor was I Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri- Judge: You're all going to jail
What do i have in common with neutrino's we're both constantly penetrating your mom.
I dumped my blind fiance yesterday. She never saw it coming.
Because we love Adel.. Why did my computer just say hello? Oh, that's right. It's A Dell.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face. I teared up a little. I get strippers, I get it.
You sister said she had to take you socks because she has none You realize your cum socks are all gone..
I like my women like I like my bacon I like them.
"WATERMELON" HAS 4 SYLLABLES. "ILLUMINATI" HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I read that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic That makes two of us
To /r/news China just called, they want their censorship back.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Donald Trump? Donald Trump
I'm not superstitious, I'm just kindastitious!!!
What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot!
DATE: *takes a sip of her water* ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you're behaving very erotically
What do GTA and the third Reich have in common? If you have a star, you are getting chased.
I run an amateur dramatic society. Someone approached me recently wanting to do an all dwarf version of the pantomime "Aladdin". The concept is a little wishy-washy.
Overheated some milk in a lab experiment today... ...and asked the teacher if it would affect the result. Her response? "To a degree."
My face is so oily The US wants to invade it.
Why do walruses just love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.
What's long, hard and makes a woman moan when erect? An ironing board.
Important stuff. If an orange is called an orange, then how come lemon is not called yellow?
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy. I would....
What did the astronaut from AA say in space? "Houston, I have a problem."
I swear, a pigeon at the bus stop this morning was trying to flirt with me. Anyway, totally fucked that pigeon.
What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
why do women fake orgasms? because they think men care.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only cums once a year.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only cums once a year!
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.
If a threesome is having sex with three people, and a twosome is having sex with two people... I'm handsome.
What's a holocaust survivor's favorite movie? Gone With The Wind.
Yo momma joke Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
I had a horrible night last night My blow up doll ran off with my air mattress
wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
Did you hear about the arms dealer who's giving away M18 Claymores with every purchase? Oh, I'm gonna get mines.
Every time I'm at the dentist my doctor makes me feel like a bad Christian I'm Jewish.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it, honey. RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Is your penis Ant-man? Because whenever it's time to impress, it shrinks.
What's Brown and sticky? A stick
A red boat and a blue boat crash into each other in the ocean... All the passengers were marooned.
Who put semen in the basement? I don't know. That's just the way it's spelled.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don't want people to know they like to swim YOU DON'T KNOW
If we were stranded in a desert and a snake bit my penis, would you suck the poison out?
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.
Two cannibals entered a restaurant close to closing time and all that was left on the menu was a man from Prague. They split the Czech.
Bernie Sanders is so fed up with the BS in politics that he is changing his name. He's changing it to Ernie Anders.
*lights a scented candle in my house *gets texted 500 miles away from my mother Please watch those candles
Karen, will you marry me? "Ugh. No. Please take me home." *20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I regret buying that straight jacket. Thought it would look good on me but I just can't pull it off.
Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new  "Stealth Condom?" A: "They'll never see you coming."
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
 Metric dollar.
Pretty cool you had a healthy meal while I was eating the icing off an entire cake.
I sometimes sit in the space between two buildings holding a large heap of catnip. You know, to get me some BACK ALLEY PUSSY.
When I was in college, I used to have sex almost EVERY DAY... ...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...
What's your favorite racial (but not racist) joke? How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Brazilian!
Who manufactures Quidditch balls. Wilson. J.K. Rawling
Me: Hey, I'm going to say a knock knock joke, but you have to start me off! Them: Okay.. knock knock Me: Who's there? Them: *confused silence*
"Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" is on, followed by "Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus". Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw his gas bill
What's the best thing about having sex with forty two year olds? There's forty of them.
I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.
Did you hear about the guy who took some dude's ear off with a vacuum cleaner? His name was Mike Dyson.
If you want your dog to take a pill: 1. Get a piece of cheese 2. Eat the cheese for energy 3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
When I tell my wife I'm gonna have to work late she knows it's code for I was playing with super glue and I'm stuck to my desk again.
Twitter is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do and takes you nowhere
If by "chivalry is dead" you mean "I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she's making me do laundry for a week" then yes chivalry is dead
What is the strictest part of a ship? The stern
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
A Cop, Indian, GI, Construction Worker and a Cowboy walk into a bar... Am I in the wrong place or are they?
Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends? A squadratic formula, if you will.
Whats a beautiful place like this doing around a girl like you?
One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.
What is Michele Obama's favorite vegetable? Barack-oli
What do you call an angry German? A sauerkraut
Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle. Easy when I have a knife.
I would like to make a masturbation joke But today that would be way to corny
2018 Oscars for Best actor &amp; Supporting actor goes to Sean Penn for the movie "El Chapo: La traicion"
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar... The bartender says, "why the long face?"
Someone is watching you... And his name is John Seenya!
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
aw, the tsa confiscated my toothpaste before my flight. looks like i'm brushing my teeth with all these knives and gunpowder instead
First thing I do every morning when I wake up is take a shit. Then I roll over and get out of bed.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? Put a plunger in the toilet
Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter.
My roommate is really dedicated to dental hygiene just last night I heard her using an electric toothbrush for what seemed like an hour
How do you get Amy Schumer, Rosie O'donnell and Lena Dunham to move to Canada? Piece of cake.
How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean
I enjoy reenacting the Crucifixion during sex. People call me sacrilegious. I tell them I'm only religious in the sack.
If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would've become a lesbian.
What do my girlfriend and Jesus have in common? Not sure if either of them came once, but I know they haven't come a second time.
What is the most racist type of bread? A biguette
5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar
What is the playing surface of the New Orleans Superdome called? Mardi grass.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
"conference" comes from the Latin "con" meaning "together with" and "ference" meaning "the worst people on earth"
"Be there in 5." - liars
God came to earth to look for robbers who worshipped him ... But found most of them atheist.
When Pink Floyd sings, "just another brick in the wall," it's a little bit demeaning to bricks.
What is the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl? One can shoot but can't hit and the other one can hoot but can't shit.
My girlfriend wanted to join the Mile High Club... But I didn't give a flying fuck.
How can you tell if a chocolate bar is kosher? It's got a Jewey caramel center.
Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first.
Why isn't John Oliver having sultanas in his fruitcake? Because it's the currant year.
What is 12 inches long and hangs infront of a cunt? Trump's tie
Why does no one makes fun of the gay kid who hung himself? Because it's low-hanging fruit
I'm wearing that smile you gave me 
Johnny was a chemists son, but Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
I finally came out of the closet today... My mom then walks up to me, and says something to me. "Holy fuck, How messy is your closet Joe? You have been in your closet for an entire month cleaning it!"
What's an owl's favorite subject? Owlgebra
Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Why did the police shoot the black insomniac? He resisted a rest.
TIFU by accidentally eating my friend's sandwich from Subway Oops, wrong sub.
What has 4 wheels and flies? /u/IDrewTheDuckBlue's car. [Credit.] (https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/3ez4sp/just_drove_from_california_to_illinois_with_a_fly/)
What is the difference between a cocktail and a dickbutt? You order a dickbutt at a gay bar.
My recipe spilled over a little because I put baking soda in my chicken broth It wasn't a big soup rise
An old man cheats on his wife The wife asks: "Why? What does she have that I don't?" Her Husband answers: "Parkinson's".
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
What did one volcano say to the other volcano? I lava you
Why did the redneck cross the road? Because his dick was still in the chicken!
Did you hear about the whores who ran a bakery? Yeah. Everything there was hoe-made.
I don't see how flight MH370 sunk. When it hit the water it would have been plane sailing.
So I married way too young... Oops, she spells it Wei Tu Yung
Mom I forgot. Am I special or unique? No son. You're retarded.
[OC] Time heals all wounds.. Unless you re a haemophiliac.
Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns? The take everything, literally.
Did you read about the skeleton trapped in the freezer? It was a bone-chilling story.
What happens when a boy comes into a girls house nothing, he just came into her house.
Twenty years ago my mother almost aborted my brother. Yesterday he died in a fight with a cloakroom attendant. The coathanger still got him in the end.
Spent over an Hour at the wife's grave this Morning Bless her, She thinks I'm Digging a Pond.
I love England th... I love England the flags a big plus
Why do women make such horrible capenters? Because for years men have telling them that |----------------| is 8 inches long.
How do you know a gypsy woman is pregnant? You put a piece of wire in her and if you feel pulling she is indeed pregnant.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
If you don't like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
What type of milk does Mitt Romney use with his cereal? The one percent
Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.
What did the Indian tailor say to the patron who came in naked? "What sarong with you?"
Dear Californians- Quit telling everyone there's a drought. The ocean is right there. You're just lazy.
My PhD candidate brother told me he is getting hooded in a few weeks. What a dumb ass- you can't undo a circumcision . . . . Woke up with this joke inside my head- original?
What do Jewish pedophiles say? "Hey kids, want to buy some candy?"
What happens when the Sun and the Moon get together? They turn out the lights.
Yesterday was international women's equality day and international dog day What a great day for bitches
What do hackers do when they go on vacation? They go phishing
Gift horse "My gums are bleeding." Dentist "Well this is a professional dilemma..."
Haiku of the week "James, you have Tourette's." "I'm afraid there is no cure." "Fuck! Shit! Cunt!" said James.
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it... That's just how I roll.
I really hope someone brings their cat to Mars only to get it get run over So we can finally say Curiosity killed the cat.
What video game does hitler play? Mein craft
Why did the scientist take off his doorbell? ...because he wanted to win the "Nobel" prize!
Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM (George Michael)
A Limbo dancer married a Locksmith yesterday... ...the wedding was low key.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause that's as far as I could kick it.
What do you call that part of the pharmacy where they keep the condoms, birth-control pills, etc.? The Contrasection.
Why did the elephant cross the road ? Because the chicken was having a day off !
Dyslexic devil worshipper Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who soul his sold to santa?
Did you hear about the argumentative  skunk? He always liked to make a stink!
my japanese friend keeps calling latex gloves pentadick condoms i guess the radiation is getting to his head too
*In the elevator* Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down? Me: No. We're just friends Guy: ....
If the quiz made you a little quizzical, what is the test going to make you? Really fucking confused.
What are the worst three words you could hear when you're in the middle of some passionate love making? "Honey, I'm home!"
I asked a Chinese girl for her number She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I was like "WOW" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris.
What do you call a little Mexican? A paragraph. Because he's not quite an essay.
Why aren't there any muslim stand-up comedians? Because they keep bombing.
What do gay horses eat? Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
Girl, are you some good weed? because you smell dank.
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "hey, why the long face?" The horse says, "I have cancer."
Who was the heaviest of the Pharaohs? King Two-ton-khamen.
Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
"Based on a True Story" on a movie poster basically just means "has people in it."
"Whoever smelt it, dealt it..." "...so technically officer, this is YOUR marijuana"
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy. Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal.
What do you call a gay Irisham A Gaelic
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there's an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
What did the dyslexic kid say to his parents at Christmas? I love Satan
Love is like peeing yourself....  everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.
What's brown and Rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.......just kidding.....poop
I grew up in a rough part of town... The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.
Why did the leper return to the shower? He forgot his head and shoulders.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
What's a transvestite's favorite candy? He/she's kisses
In the 50's, a small city granted a two-singer a capella team exclusive rights to perform on street corners. Other street performers sued. They claimed it was a doo-wop-poly.
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the  bronze age? Pupil: The sausage!
What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards? A receding hareline.
Why is peter pan always flying? He never lands.
Why doesn't the gas balloon want to have a flame? 6 Because he could become a brandfare
Q: How does a bear stop a DVD? A: It just presses the "paws" button.
*throws goods on conveyor belt* Cashier: is that all sir? Me:"Nope. You got change for a trophy?"
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? They'll get over it.
What's the best version of Microsoft Office? Microsoft Office 36543
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition... ...and discovered that he'd gravely misunderstood the objective.
Grandpa: What's the difference between a butt kisser and a brown-noser? Depth perception
There are 2 kinds of people in this world: 1. People who aren't good with numbers
I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Whatever happened to Robot Jones? He got cancelled.
I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap... ... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?
Prince: the artist formerly known as. . . . alive.
I don't always roll a joint... ...but when I do, it's an ankle.
I had to fire my receptionist today. There was just no connection.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge [CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my "secretly move in with her" plan
I like my women the same way I like my coffee. Made by my mum.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I can only handle girls that are a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, or 10 on the hotness scale. Cause 7 ate 9 so they're probably not interested in me.
Really whenever I get up is "too early."
I decided not to invest in that seafood processing plant... ...something smelled fishy.
I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.
You are living, you occupy space and you have mass. You know what that means... You matter!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Why did the girl fall off the swing? ...she didn't have any arms.
the best part about being a tornado chaser is when u catch one it is extremely fatal
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now
Why was the tomato blushing? Answer: ...Because it saw the salad dressing!
This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today..... at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking... JK Rowling
What do you call that piece of flesh around the clitoris? The woman.
There's a spider on my calculator. Must be an arachnerd.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve your type here."
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasaurass
ME: I have crab like reflexes DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I wish 1992 Dr. Dre would come back from the past and beat the shit out of 2012 Dr. Dre for charging 300 bucks for a pair of headphones.
What type of skiing do Jews prefer? Shlalom
I told my wife about my other wife.... She took it really well, said it was big o' me :)
I went to Google and searched "synonym for ambiguous" but the result was inconclusive.
How do you make a cat sounds like a dog? Douse it in gasoline and set it on fire. *WOOF*!
Deceitful atoms.. Never trust an atom... They make up everything.
What's a good motto for a sewage treatment plant? Our duty is clear. Credit: Futurama
A movie about a surfer vs. a shark but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.
What state has the best small sized soft drink? Minisoda
What did the horny dog say to the girl dog? Do you like it ruff?
Waiter: how would you like your steak? Me: rare [later] Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it* Me: *tearing up* perfect
Router-stiltskin I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.
I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 companies were interested. I said gas, electric, and cable.
I'm heading to Greenwich later today. Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time.
"WE AREN'T SO DIFFERENT, YOU AND I." -- bad guys reaching for a weapon at the end of the movie
My Spanish teacher taught me the word for "Transgender" I asked him if the word is masculine or feminine
A monster goes to a petrol station and says: Fill me up The man at the petrol station replies: You have to have a car for me to do that!. The monster replies: But I had a car for lunch!
When the devil loses hair There will be hell toupee
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
How does Hitler tie his shoes? (say outloud) With little knotsies.
How many Republicans does it take to screwin a light bub? Zero. They're so fucking dumb that none of them can screw a light bulb to begin with.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.
Last night was the third time a girl walked out midway a date. Something's still wrong in my PowerPoint presentation.
What's a neckbeard's favorite color? M'genta
What do you call an agreeable neighbor? ....a yaybor.
Who makes the best photo bombers? Muslims
I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea. Please let her mean diary. Please let her mean diary. Please let her mean diary.
A man wanted to name his son a very long name... ...so he named him Miles
When Geese fly in a "V" formation, do you know why one side of the "V" is longer? There's more geese on that side.
What has 132 legs and 8 teeth? The front row of a garth brooks concert.
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex? can't wait to get out of prison.
Why is it possible for a door to be made out of kittens? Because they are a-door-able.
Boris Johnson? Isn't he the man that sounds like he's on his way to pub, or has just made his way back from it?
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke.
Why do we rub ourselves To rubadubdbub
Paper Dance Competition Boy : Hey, will you be my partner in a paper dance competition? Girl : Sure! Boy : Great, so we are on the same page.
Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..
What do you call a gay guy in a coma? Fruity.
I've run out of Christmas wrapping paper so I'm going to use 'Happy Birthday' paper and write 'Jesus' after it.
They say a moose can swim up to 6km/h. Not very funny but at least you learned something
Why was the chef mad? He had all the money in the world, but no thyme.
Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? Because he's an ex-terminator
What do you call pasta with alzheimers? forgetti
The DUMBSQUAD ft. Fern a.k.a DefyingReaper77 (The Funny Life, SECOND)
Black Fridays Matter? All Fridays Matter.
I knew someone who poured milk before the cereal..... He was a cereal killer
Bestiality is disgusting and wrong. Having said that, I did once come on a mouse.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles
The Bible TL;DR
Whats the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What do Muslim men do during foreplay? They tickle the goat under the chin.
A ginger, a brunette and a blonde in Hell Just kidding, how could a ginger go to hell without a soul?
My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike... My dad was holding me from behind...
Father of 7 month old accidentally throws 6 pack on child's head while getting into car But the baby was fine, it was light beer.
Why do women live longer than men? God gives them the time back they spent parking.
Four ply humor. My wife asks me? I want a boob job. I told her, rub some toilet paper between your tits. You wipe your ass with it all the time. Look how big your ass is.
A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."
What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl? I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!
*Walks in late to dinner* I see fed people.
Bridge is like sex If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
My ex broke up with me because she wanted a man with a 9inch penis :(... ... and there was no way I was cutting two inches off.
The only thing worse than paying for internet access in a hotel is free wireless that doesn't work.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Hey, is your name Paul Revere? Because I want to give you a midnight ride!
CIA 'Mistakenly' destroys copy of 6,700-page US torture report A CIA spokesperson commented, "We meant to destroy the 6,700-page US espionage report"
Knock Knock / Who's There? / Benghazi / Benghazi who? I knew you'd forget about me if Trump won.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Black people are human beings.
What peanut butter do total dicks eat? Schmuckers.
You know why gay men make such easy prisoners to guard... Because most already have a whistling alarm for when they try to run.
Calling your girlfriend dumbledore cz she is the real head master
People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11... He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...
Are you a work of art? Because it looks like Picasso painted you.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
What would the world be like without women? It would be a real pain in the ass!
Don't EVER let anyone tell you you're not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Engineers are sexual intellectuals or in other words... Fucking know-it-alls
2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today.. 34 people died.
Her: What do you like about me? Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards. Her: What? Me: Your eyes
When I was in high school, I was part of the French club. We didn't really do anything, but every once in a while, we'd surrender to the German club.
If you arrive home, it's not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member's cars, keep going.......It's an intervention
*cute bartender gives me back my credit card* "No it's cool, you keep it"
Why did John Lennon get shot? because Mark Chapman was a terrible shot, and kept missing Yoko.
What does Bill Cosby have in common with Santa? They both come while you sleep
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I'm so incapable of accepting a compliment that I've started just flat out refusing them. Them: You look lovely today. Me: No thank you.
What sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Why are black people good at basketball? Because it's all about shooting and stealing.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower's pollen* FLOWER: What's that? BEE: I can explain F: I don't want to hear your lies, Ian
What do you call a really really big ant? A GIANT! Now what do you call a baby ant? an Infant! What do you call an ant thats into business? A Merchant! please post more ant jokes if you know of any.
If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Jesus was the original crossfit.
"Let's tell people about our waffle and then not do shit for 100 years." -Belgium
Book about skeletons? **SPINE**
There should be a store for women in their 40's who try to dress like their children called Forever Inappropriate.
Slim walked into his local post office  and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA "Gosh!" he said "If n only that job was in Texas Ah'd take  it!"
I called my boss and told him "the roads are blocked so I'll be redditing from home today"
The Revenant was... Grizzly.
Batman took some flak going to the Police Ball dressed as the Joker But sometimes he's his own worst enemy.
What is a group of hooligans acting like they are Vietnamese called? Gang, 'Nam Style.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
What's the difference between a Snickers and my girlfriend? Snickers satisfies.
What did the Native American say when his dog fell of the cliff? Dog gone!
What's a Jewish Person's Favorite Time of Year? The Challah-Days
If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.
I know 1 really sick joke He has been in the hospital for years.
How do you kill a vegan vampire? Steak to the heart.
What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.
Why do Japanese people look so serious in pictures? Last time they saw a flash it destroyed their country
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I am handsome I would have exactly one dollar.! Thanks Mom.!
I used to be really into nostalgia... ...those were good times.
I'm a terrorist because i killed the joke
Guess what my Valentine gave me? Carpal Tunnel...
tried to drown my sorrows, but after three days, mother-in-law floated back to the shore.
What do 6 lesbians and 6 government workers have in common? They're a dozen people who don't do dick.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people's lives to avoid buying gifts. You're welcome.
What did the grape say when it got trodden on? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
Dude can you make the stitches spell out ___? http://www.cbc.ca/manitoba/scene/images/Dude%20back%20cover%20%20620.jpg One Joke One Vision.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The Constipated Mathematician What did the constipated mathematician do? He worked it out with a pencil.
A woman walked into the sexual harassment and textiles store, she got felt.
What do you call a 12 year old protein? A pretein
Why did the researchers stopped their research on embryos? Because the subject is still to immature.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you "I'll be there in thirty minutes", you should ALWAYS respond with "You've got twenty" and hang up.
What the difference between a filthy bus station and a crab with implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean ......
Difference between GF &amp; WIFE Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I'd say there's a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I'll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
There's no gangsta way to say "Oopsie Daisy." I know that now.
Worst pick-up line ever. If you're looking for a stud, I've got the STD all that's missing is U.
"You're still a winner," Pinocchio whispered into his third drink. He wept as his nose grew to touch the glass.
What is the difference between an epilectic oyster and a whore with diarrhea? One you shuck between fits.
Even if your a one in a million kind of guy There are a thousand people just like you in China
"It's okay, man. There are a lot of fish in the sea." -Weird way to comfort someone whose nephew has just died.
I was verbally abused as a child. The bigger verbs at school would kick my ass. "Stop conjugating yourself!" they'd say mockingly.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with 'unsubscribe'
Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.
A bird in the... *BLOCKED* Birds of ... *BLOCKED The early bird catches the wo...*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT -worms on Twitter
What did they name a mountain nobody gives a shit about? Moot Point
What are a school teachers 3 favorite words? June, July, and August.
What do you call an Irishman sitting on his veranda? Patty O'Furniture.
Whats the difference between a fridge and a vagina? A fridge doesn't fart when you get the meat out.
A guy with a lisp once told me he would kill me in this very spot... He said it was my final deathtination.
Just been reading Delia Smith's recipe for scrambled eggs... Apparently "they should be soft and fluffy." No you daft bitch that means they've hatched.
I took the shell off my racing snail... I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool? "Okay folks, time to get out of the pool!"
which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can't I stop thinking about this
Pedophiles Are fucking immature assholes
Today a girl stopped me on the sidewalk and says, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty do you think I am?" "I'd say you're about the average but I don't want to make this a mean joke."
How can you shorten a bed? Don't sleep long in it.
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate? Your ears
I didn't fall for you, you f*cking tripped me
Why did the medium cross the road? To get to the other side.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I never knew they worked!
How do you make a latte? Add $5 to a cup of coffee.
I'm the designated driver so it's mini bottles in the restroom for me
Are anti-jokes still funny? Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead
How do you drown a hipster? IN THE MAINSTREAM! Hahahaahhaahhaahha
Where did Suzy go during the bombing? Everywhere
Did you hear about that kid called Agree who kept getting bullied? Everybody agreed to *dis*agree.
Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years
"You won't like me when I take my estrogen pill." -Bruce Jenner
So a circumference walks into a restaurant... ...sits down and orders a bowl of diameter ice cream. The waiter asks, "You want pie with that?"
Donald Trump Finally something worse than Twilight
They say that you are safer in a bigger group Unless you're with 6 million...and everyone is jewish
Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy
Why do anarchists only drink herbal infusions? Because proper tea is theft.
Would you like to hear a german joke? Tut mir leid so ein Ding existiert nicht Edit 1: Grammar
Why can't you hear Django coming? The D is silent.
How do you kill a fox? You cut off its leg and make it run across canada
I've got a chicken proof lawn It's impeccable
September just ended... Someone should wake up Green Day.
Whos the best jewish cook? Hitler.......
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
what's the difference between a Ferrari and a boner? ...I have a boner.
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn left."
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.. ..You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My dental hygienist retired after working 55 years... All she got was a lousy plaque...
What kind of baby appears when an Eskimo and a Japanese person have sex? Ugg Li
Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you're at the beach.
I don't have to put up with this, I'm a grown ass man ... I used to be an adolescent ass man; I've never wavered in a T&amp;A debate.
I love kids. When they're adults.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
bay: come over me: no you're a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward bay: my parents aren't home me: how are you talking
DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away for North Korea's long range missiles.
I visited a proctologist the other day... It was a real bummer.
Why did the vulture cross the road? To eat the dead chicken on the other side.
What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A Manila folder
My wife got mad at me for starting another British TV series... I said, "don't worry, it'll be over soon."
Where do you see yourself in four years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy? The mafia doesn't like witnesses.
I've just been rushed to A&amp;E after swallowing some lego.... The doctor's don't seem worried but i'm shitting bricks
Why do dentists recommend jpeg? It is a flossy compression method.
"FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!"  Mother Nature
What's up with gay analysts? They anal-ize.
I can describe my girlfriend and 9/11 in one word bush
Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women? When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When people argue about sports and one says "Care to make it interesting" I assume they're going to start talking about something else.
How can a woman make you a millionaire? When you marry her as a billionaire.
Why do greeting cards today all play songs & shit? Giving innocent folks migraines & whatnot. Go to hell, today's greeting cards!
Two balloons are floating across the desert One balloon says to the other, Look out for the cactussssssssssssssssssss!
Best Kids Knock Knock Joke Knock Knock Who's There? Interrupting Cow Interrupting Cow Who...... (interrupting MOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.
Where does the pirate put his ear ring? In his buccaneer.
The list of things I hate the most is -Hate -Lists -Irony -Cheap jokes stolen from the internet -Irony -Repetition -Did I mention irony?
Just got my grades back for my computer science class. Apparently, I got a C++ on my final.
What do you say when it's snowing? Winter is coming.
Ways I'm like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I opened a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats ... Business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.
Wife to husband: "Our son called me a whore!" Husband answers: "Where is that son of a bitch?"
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
I was so ugly when I was born... ...the doctor slapped my mother.
All these recent David Cameron jokes have left me with a bad taste in my mouth.
I invented a figure skating move. It's called 360 degree faceplant. It's like a normal faceplant, but with a twist.
Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks... Luke: are we on track? Yoda: off course, we are.
In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.
how would you describe US with first four alphabets? ABCD (A B Cd.....) as in obesity.... Will show myself to hell now.
Weed doesn't make you stupid, you were stupid before you smoked the weed.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
What's the best part of an asynchronous dog? It's non barking! Hopefully some software people get this one
How did the chicken cross the freeway? You take the 'F' out of free and the 'F' out of way. Hint: say everything out loud.
"Let's eat, Pappy." Not "Let's eat Pappy." Proof grammar saves lives.
Have you ever played the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom you take 4 Shots.
How is my sex life like a Ferrari? Imported and extremely expensive.
Whats better than roses on a piano? tulips on an organ...
You know it's bad when your C++ program has more friends than you do.
I consider myself somewhat of a pussy magnet... ...I just need to learn how to change the polarity.
I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend. You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.
Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK.
An Irishman walks into an AA meeting. Just kidding.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
How do you call the homosexuell mathematic department of ISIS? - Analisis
I guess "Victoria's Secret Angel" does sound better than "flightless pantybird"
Two men are pissing off a bridge. "Water's cold" says one. "And deep." says the other.
Why does a giraffe need such a long neck? Because its head is so far away from its body.
This guy in an overcoat walks up to two old nuns on a bench and opens up his coat to reveal he's completely naked underneath. One of the nuns has a stroke. The other one couldn't reach
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
The 8 fell over and stayed there for infinity.
Her: It's disgusting how many dirty habits you have. Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Children are for life, not just for benefits... Credit: A sticker on the back of some guy's car
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Don't let that "Metalica" t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball"
Let's get naughty and save Santa the trip.
What do you call the space in between Pamela Anderson's breasts? **Silicon Valley**
What expression would be the worst if taken literally? Shit a brick.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don't like: 1) Celine Dion 2) Canadian geese Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
What does the rest of the colony call an old ant? An antique.
I'm sick of people knocking on my door, begging. There's just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank........ I gave her a right fcuking mouthful.
What did Julius Caesar ask when finding a color to paint the Senate? "Ecru, Brute?"
Went to a meeting for cat addicts last night. More nuns than I expected.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you... Congratulations! You're engaged.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur. Licktalottapuss.
A tray of muffins is in the oven. One muffin says "Woo; it's hot in here." An adjacent muffin exclaims, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"
'Five dollars for one question!' said the girl to the fortune-teller. 'That's very expensiveisn't it ?' 'Next!'
What is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out of it.
What is it? -What is it? -It's a ticket to the cinema -But why is it so small? -You place it under your tongue and wait for the movie.
Trump joke last night... What did Hillary say when she bumped into Donald after the election? "Pardon me"
A mexican boy in english class... A mexican boy in english class passed a note to his friend. The teacher saw it, and screeched "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" To which he replied, "writing an ese"
What do you and 1 ply toilet paper have in common? You BOTH eat *da*-booty!
A man tried to find a restaurant using Apple Maps
What did Kobe Bryant's teamates say to him while he was scoring 81 points? "I'M FUCKING OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I swear, if I go to read one more goddamn article and I click on it and it's a video, I'll... I'll... tweet about it.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
How do you get an elephant across a busy freeway? take the 'f' out of free and the 'f' out of way...
I never could have made it to my sixth Twitter anniversary without the support of my wife and kids, whatever their names are.
What is the quickest way to double your money ? Fold it in half !
Two blondes are found frozen to death at a drive-in theater. They were watching "Closed for the Winter."
so what if I can't spell Armageddon.. .. it's not the end of the world.
How do you address a Black Farmer? Through his owner.
How do '90s kids count to 6? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.
My neighbour really pissed me off last night... He kept playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over. I wouldn't mind normally but it was all night long.
My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin  Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Worst job Who has the worst job at a strip club? The bouncer, He has to work hard all night.
A stupid joke that my mum tells me a lot So there are two cows eating grass in a paddock. One cow looks up and says "moo". The other cow says "hey, I was gonna say that!"
Who's the best detective in Mexico? Sherlock-Holmes
What did Shang Tsung say when he stole Liu Kang's shoes? Your sole is mine!
Why is one side of the V always longer than the other when geese are flying south for the winter ? It's because there are more geese on that side.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I found out about you from my last nightmare.
Why did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below sea level ^^im ^^so ^^sorry
Waiter what is this hare doing in my  salad? I believe he's eating your lettuce.
*6 opens piggy bank* Me: wtf where'd you get all that? 6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you'd never know
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None. "Change that bulb, bitch. Then make me a sandwich and bring me a cold beer."
I lost my wife a year ago today. Sadly, within four days I won her back.
Ferguson Protestors looted a Payless Shoe store last night... Cleaned the place out, nothing left but work boots...
I'm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, tell them, I'm outstanding.
[2050] "Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?" Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
What's the difference between a shrimp with big tits and a bus station full of old people? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station!
How many Mexicans does it take to fix a light bulb? Twenty-Juan
The Queen Bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day. Jay Z found his 100th problem then.
Start a Reddit for GF Earn more karma on her account than mine.
The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices: You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.
Why are so many Italians named Tony? Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... hopefully with the exclusion of my money.
I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!
Once you go black, you never go back... unless you're the White House.
Can Bernie Sanders recover? From his devastating win in Michigan?
[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend] HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea? ME: Remains to be seen.
After seeing the Kim Kardashian cover of Paper Magazine, Sir Mix-a-lot, reportedly tipped his hat, muttered that his work here was done and rocketed into space to return to his home planet Uranus...
A WOMAN: i've only been washing my hair ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!! THE WOMAN: once a ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!
Waiter there is a bee in my alphabet soup ! Yes sir and I'm sure there is an A C and all the other letters too !
Why are British anti-smoking PSA's often made by homophobes? Because they want to prevent people from bumming fags
Why do white men shop at black yard sales? To get all their stuff back.
What is the fastest cake in the world? Scone.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter. 3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
What has four wheels and can't support a family? A liberal arts major. I lied about the wheels.
Imagine how hard it is to be homeless and gay.. You wouldn't even have a closet to come out of.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off.
I set my kid's dollhouse on fire then asked: DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?! DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?! Life lessons
I had sex with a girl and she kept shouting another guys name Who the fuck is rape?
Buy an aquarium. Don't buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.
Why Do Mathematicians Never Go To The Beach? Because they got sin and cos to give them a tan.
I'm banned from HomeDepot, after trying to steal drugs. I was caught stealing two ladders; what can I say they get me high.
How did 1337 Jesus escape his tomb? (X-Post from ProgrammerHumor) He used an encrypted key.
I don't know if this is even anything. It could be a joke  \(_o)/  Judging intelligence by academic performance is like judging a book by how good it is. Some books are shit
A roman walks into a bar Holds up two fingers and says "I'll take five beers please!"
At my new job I have 500 people under me. I work on the 98th floor.
How does Hitler like his steak? Nice and Jew-cy.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
Apparently you can't make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don't waste your time.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
In Need of A Psychic Reading There was a man that needed a psychic reading. He showed up on the psychic's front porch and knocked on the door. The psychic said, "Who is it"? So he went back home.
I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.
Got a christmas card with rice in it It was from uncle ben
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don't have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot
If we were in a fight, I'd mop the floor with you... Except I don't do housework.
Loose weight I feel that the only option for me to loose weight is to either smoke crack or ingest a tape worm but they both require a commitment level that I am uncomfortable with.
Relationship threats: teens: i'll cheat on you 20's: i'll go to the bar with my boys 30's: I'm gonna watch all of our shows without you
When you see a girl who was hot in high school, but a decade later she's not https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-RfZDiayDI
Tesla Car Driving Grandmother to Family Christmas. 12 Hours Later...: Pulls up into the family home dead with the children yelling "Grandma's here! Grandma's here!"
How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison? a buttload.
I used to think an ocean of soda existed... but it was just a Fanta sea!
My iPhone does NOT rule my life. Battery - Don't worry, Siri. I got this.
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
Barrack Obama won the Olympic Gold Medal Usain Bolt was running for President
Almost that time of year, again. Deer gun season, or as the deer call it, the annual holocaust.
I had to put my dog down today. I'd been carrying her for a while.
There is a fine line between public and pubic
How does a guy prove he's tough? He jogs home after his vasectomy. . Fairly old, vasectomies may not be so bad any longer.
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!
I like my cream like I like my slaves. Whipped. *I'm so sorry*
What's green and then red? A frog in a blender.
What does an asylum have in common with a squirrel's house? They're both used to store nuts.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color* *sighs* *sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account... He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved..
After the apocalypse, in cannibalistic Germany, "Kindergarten" takes on a new, darker meaning.
How did ISIS do on their French exam? They bombed it...
What do you call a Jihadist that loves turkey? A Tryptophanatic
Why can't Abraham Lincoln remember the Gettysburg Address? Because he's dead.
Ugh, I'm still writing 2009 on all my ransom notes
Policeman: How can you say you don't have any outstanding tickets? Driver: They're all in the glove compartment.
Asked an artist how he draws women so well. He says "I have a day job."
What do you call introverted hobbits? Shyer folk
What do you call a guy that hates Christmas and steals the woman you love? Ebenezer Scrooge-yagirl
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers... ... So, I did. She's 21 and her name is Megan. PS: Even though the joke is in first person, nobody told me to get a penis enlarger.
Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin? Because his life is at stake.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th... Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.
What's the difference between a clever child and a rude marathoner? One's a cunning runt...
What does it taste like when you go down... What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends...
Why did the physicist move across the street from the haunted graveyard? To observe spooky action at a distance! Thank you, I'll be here all week.
My dad says that if I don't stop typing so loudly, he's gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
Why does Harlem have so many trees? Public transportation.
I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign
I'm more of a leader than a follower, unless you're wearing yoga pants.
Notre Dame beat Navy yesterday. If Navy beats ISIS, does that help Notre Dame's strength of schedule?
[texting in 1918] *pigeon delivers message* *msg reads: I don't love you* *turns to u* why would u send this? "it was 6 days ago. I was mad"
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how they got in there I will never know.
Why is the set including the square root of 5 and the square root of 4 similar to the set including anarchism and authoritarianism? They are both unlike radicals.
Yet another tragedy struck the music world today. Police responded from a call to a California hotel room occupied by Justin Beiber. When they arrived on the scene, he was still alive.
I'm glad the pet stores close before the bar does. I could see drunken pet adoption being a real problem for me.
What's green and smells like red paint? Green paint.
Me: Hi. I can't take your call right now but please leave a message. CW: I'm standing right in front of yo... Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told  by Watts E. Dunn
So, I told that contortionist that I didn't care much for his act. ...And he gets all bent out of shape about it.
I'm the Nokia phone in a room full of iphones
I bought some powdered water I don't know what to add.
Spring is here! (x-post from /r/dadjokes) I'm so excited I wet my plants.
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto
I usually like telling jokes, But I always seem to punch up the fuckline.
Knock Knock... Who's there? I, diddup I, diddup who? You filthy bastard
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up for itself? Because it was two-tyred.
Quasimodo walks into a pub Goes up to the bar and asks for a scotch whiskey. Barman asks "bells alright?" Quasimodo snaps "mind your own fucking business"
Free sex tonight I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
"Saw the trailer for that new movie The Revenant, looks itense". "Nah, Probly tipis".
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not five because my basements still dark...
Is Yoda's last name Lay-he-hoo?
Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replied, "Well, without me, you can't have mass."
Q: When Do You Hurt a Midget? When He is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice!
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed... ...but none of them work.
Two fish are in a tank. One fish asks the other fish "How do we drive this thing?"
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends. Him: Being a teenager is tough. Me: *sigh* I'm 40.
What do you call someone who makes a lot of money through deforestation of the Amazon? A Brazillionaire!
Did you hear about the guy who went for the world fapping record? He almost pulled it off.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
How do you make a hormone? Kick her in the cunt.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door... My plumber sure has a strange sense of humor...
"LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."
Ppl at Starbucks are weird. They love it when I bring our chihuahua in a little baby stroller, but get all freaked out when I let him nurse.
What's a Grecian Urn? Nothing, they're bankrupt.
Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.
I ran over a kid in a John Cena shirt but in my defense, i couldn't see him
I like my women like I like my computer Turned on On my lap And virus free
A woman is like a fine wine: they are 70% water
"My imaginary friend is better than yours!" ~ religion.
You can never trust an atom because they make up everything
ATTENTION: upon further consideration I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
[last supper] "Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver." "30." "Sorry Judas?" [sips wine] "I didn't say anything."
"Another day another dollar." - African kids
What would our founding fathers say if they saw the white house today? What the hell are Jefferson's kids doing in the white house?
I've always wondered why people love jokes about giant air conditioners... I'm not a big fan...
What do you call a pretentious mime? A dick in a box.
[in church] "And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins." [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Did a T Rex have two copies of each chromosome? I reckon it was a diploidocus
Marriage Joke The title is the joke. Come on guys. -.-
We should stop making jokes out of Harambe Those jokes are dead anyways
What do you call a huge pile of cats? A Meow-tain!
If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look.
A female is like an AP free response question She asks question A, B, C, and D and implanted in all Are questions i, ii, and iii.
The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth. Their president is Enrique Pena Nieto.
How do you defend yourself against a gang of horny masochistics? You probably have to beat them off with a stick!
You can call me a "simpleton" if you choose. But I ask you this. What is that. What is simpleton, is that like a good or bad thing, not sure
Honey! I'm pregnant! Hello pregnant, I'm Dad.
Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet. Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
What is the difference between snowman and snowwoman? snowballs
My parents think im a failure... I cant wait to show them the A i got on my hepatitis test
There are marriages that end well... ...and others that last forever.
Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.
I got this "breathe" tattoo on my wrist because I don't have a central nervous system and it's a helpful reminder.
What does a girl say to a guy when she sees his huge dick? Im not sure either.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
still waiting to see a used car commercial that looks like they cared enough to do more than one take.
What happens to an Asian guy when they run into a wall with a full erection? They break their nose!
My brother volunteered to perform my sons circumcision But I could never force kin to do that.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Improve Your Target Shooting by Mr  Completely
A transgender walks up and says.... ...I'm like Hanna Montana, the best of both worlds!
How many redditors does it take to make a good joke? Three. One to post it, the second to post a better punchline in the comments, and the third to complain that it's a repost.
They said I had a small penis, but they'll see. They'll ALL see! Nevermind actually, that's illegal
A guy goes to the zoo but there is only one animal... It's a shih tzu.
Top 3 things you want to do to avoid writing a clickbait title Number 2 will shock you!
When i was little i was afraid of dinosaurs But growing up i learned they all died.. Now i am afraid of dinosaurs ghosts
Dog The Bounty Hunter's greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet
Why do Russians like pho so much? It's So-Viet.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste **funny**.
Why can't you find good quality clothing on the Iron Islands? They do not sew
I love spending time with my step ladder. I've never known my real ladder.
What's a Social Justice Warrior's favorite math course? Triggernometry.
Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work? Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns Husband: Divorce is strong in this one
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.
Have you seen www.yawn.com? Yes but I'm a bit tired of it.
Texting was a great solution to talking. But now replying to texts is exhausting so I'm done with all communication I guess.
What did the executioner say to his wife when he left? I'll beheading out now.
What's 7 inches and makes women submissive? A knife.
ah, mercury's going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? -&gt; He uses the finest ingredients.
Wife: It's time for a vacation. Me: Where do YOU want to go? Wife: Hmm... Maybe the Bahamas? Me: Great idea! And, I'LL go camping upstate!
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
A Canibal realized his meal was undercooked. So he threw up his hands in frustration
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I like my woman like I like this joke. Overused and overrated.
Sex Ed in 2015 Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'
What's the perfect line of work for a lizard? Re-tail.
Why did the Polish get selected to be in so many jokes back in the day?
I used to joke and tell people I had STDs after intercourse But I had to change it! So now I joke and say I don't have any before.
I'm going to open an ISIS themed cafe called Allahu Snackbar - our food is the bomb.
BEN AFFLECK: I'm directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role BEN AFFLECK: Well I'm obviously very flattered
A haiku about my love life... Hahahahaha Hahahahahahaha Hahahahaha
How can you tell if someone is a pilot? They'll just tell you.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Name as many weed names as you can. Purple kush, Sharks breath,God,Chewbacas anus gas. KEEP IT GOIN'
What do you call a cow who just gave birth? De-calfinated.
A Short History Lesson The old missionaries who arrived in the West Indies were the cannibals first taste of Christianity
What does a fish say when it hits a brick wall? DAM!!!
These need to be written. Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes? A: A piiig. Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh? A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
What's Robin Hood's favourite font? Sans Sheriff!
So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.
Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up.
What is Niglish? You're an asshole. Just go away.
What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium? An aard-shark!
My last girlfriend ate a like a bird She literally banged her head repeatedly onto the table to eat
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree on top of you would kill you? A pool table.
How do you find Will Smith in a blizzard? You just track the fresh prints. Sorry if its a repost I just heard it.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
"Aloha, a bar," said a struggling alcoholic ex-Muslim in Hawaii.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your "hell" is.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
What do a black person and a bike have in common? they both don't work without a chain.
I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Why do more men die in car crashes than woman? Because women are at the wheel.
Why do dinosaurs use Christian dating sites? Because they can lie about their age!
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)
What did the upper class Rastafari say when he walked into the bakers shop? One love me breda.
Windows 10 rollout
I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
Paraplegic people go to hell ... Paraplegic people go to hell because there's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
blacksmith joke A blacksmith asked his apprentice, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" He replied: "No, but i once told a donkey to fuck off"
What do pussy and cigarettes have in common? There's more flavor the closer you get to the butt.
Want to hear a joke about Jonestown? I'd tell you but the punchline is too long.
[2nd time at girls house] "where's your dog?" Oh he isn't mine. I was dog sitting [makes text alert sound w mouth] "Its work. I gotta go"
His palms are sweaty... His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: *TYPHOID FEVER*
Hillary got 60% of the black's votes in Alabama That's right, not a single vote for Bernie.
Yo momma is so fat [deleted]
Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat? Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. ....Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall? Dam.
I'm Handsome If sex with three people is a threesome, and sex with two people is a twosome, it's no wonder people call me handsome.
Two peanuts were walking down the street one was assaulted.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
What street do you put a lesbian restaurant on? Eater Route
What kind of bees produce milk? Boo'bees
My Sex Life
Him: Ha! I got your ATM card. Me: So? You'll never guess my PIN. Him: Is it 6969? Me:.. Him:. Me:.. Him:. Me: Seriously dude, give it back.
Fell asleep last night with the T.V. off. Was that camping?
What is a nomad? Someone who is not crazy. Nomad= No+mad.
Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone....some day, while its locked
I'm a triple threat. My singing, dancing, and acting are all threateningly terrible.
Why did the squirrel cross the road on the telephone wire? To be on the safe side!
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
How do you make a Swiss Roll? Push him down a hill. BONUS: How do you make French Wine? Invade.
What did one lonely penis say to the other? I just want to belong.
difference between gun and....... what is difference between gun and lun ( dick ) gun is hot after the shart an lun (dick) is hot before the shart )&gt;
I have trouble even monotasking.
During the height of the Cold War, spies were prepared to commit suicide if caught, with the help of a tiny #weed cigarette.
If you see an Apple store getting robbed.... Does that make you an iWitness?
two fish So there were two fish in a tank. The one fish looked at the other and said "Hey buddy do you know how to drive this thing?"
Stop. Stop it right now. I'm going to count to five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. ~A parenting haiku.
Oh I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.
*wife wonders where I am* *hears every musical snowman in the store start singing* *knows where I am*
Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm? A: E-I-E-I-O.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.
A will is a... ...dead giveaway.
What would you call an EDM producer on a flagpole? Datsik but not dat well.
What Do You Call a Terrible German Hot-dog Stand Owner? The Wurst Guy.
Why did the Gorilla enlist in the ragged continental army? To avoid the draft!
I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man... I am trans-fat.
What has four legs but isn't alive? A Dead Dog
I heard that the cemetery is pretty popular.. Everyone's dying to get in.
Why did Kanye West blow up the bakery? Because no one man should have all that flour.
How many Dave Matthews fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? There are Dave Matthews fans?
Just got back from my wild New Years Eve outing and shoveled my parents sidewalks. 'Cause that's the way middle-aged white guys roll. Yo.
How much energy does it take to create a rap star? 1.21 Jigga whats.
Why did the black man have to sell his parrot? because polly wanted a cracker
CAT HOSPITAL Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital? A: To have a CAT scan done.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
My fashion sense has been described as "They probably won't let you in like that" and "Are those your pajamas?"
While visiting Ireland last year, a nice friendly old man said to me... "Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there."
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO
Can't wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.
A teacher asks her student Teacher: What does a Bee gives us? Student: Honey Teacher: What does a cow gives us? Student: Milk Teacher: What does a fat pig gives us? Student: Homework
"I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me" Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel "that would be hella rad"
What do you call a snobbish thief walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
Just bumped into a confused J.D Salinger... Just bumped into a confused J.D Salinger in the bread shop. He was looking for foccacia in the rye.
My grandpa once told me... If you want a girl to accept your proposal, you have to spend 2 months salary on a ring. I asked him, what the hell is a salary?
I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What's taking the rest of them so long?
I know the **BEST** way to get someone interested in something. Actually, never mind, maybe I shouldn't tell you.
I admire male porn stars... They're always hard working
You know how rich people prefer Bose, Bang &amp; Olufsen and Marantz? That's just a stereotype.
Whiteboards are remarkable
Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says, "hey, I'm really worried about this mad cow disease going around". The second cow says, "I don't care, I'm a submarine!".
Your momma is so fat.... ...that scientists measured gravitational waves when she moved.
Friend: are you ready for our hike? Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
What do Jewish women get when they go to the gynecologist? A pap schmear.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? 'Cause he wanted to git a long, little doggie.
Remember, if you get dumped, it's only because they're looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Whenever I'm on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.
Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz.. Oh cookies? Hmm. Double stuff?! You don't say! The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
What's a snakes favourite TV program ?  Monty Python!
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news...HOW contagious?
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture.
How would the Mexican Star-Spangled Banner begin? Jose can you see
Why couldn't the redditor fit his dick into Ray Charles mouth? TL;DR
Q: What do you cast a containment device out of element 28 in? A: MOVIES!
How come north Carolina is the bluest state? Raleigh scattering
Dear Grocery store clerk, What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?
What's pink has five toes and is carried by the Easter Bunny? His lucky people's foot!
What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby? Go ask your mom
What do you get when water washes away dirt? a road
Whats the difference between a shower curtain and a roll of toilet paper You're not using my bathroom!
The porn actor's reaction after being denied a raise... I don't get it, I always worked so hard!
What do tampons and renaissance art have in common? You get upset when your dog tears up either of them because they are period pieces.
What about the man with nobody and no nose? Nobody knows...
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
What makes rock stars great campers? Their living situation is intense.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back MOM STEAK: no honeyget some sleep [rocky walks into the freezer] ROCKY: time to punch some meats
There are three types of people in this world. People who can count and people who can't.
I think I'm done clapping for stuff. It's enough already.
I heard they're selling heart-burns that only take two minutes to cook now! I think they were called, Hot-pockets?
My least favorite branch of the military is the Girl Scouts, they can't fight for shit.
what do you call a young, green Pumpkin for Halloween? A premature e-Jack-O'-Lantern.
1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay fifty bucks for a lentil on my chest.
You can get a tiny tablecloth for a DOLLHOUSE from Pottery Barn for $18.99, or I could just come over and punch you in the face for free?
Guys, I ran the numbers, and each 1000 Twitter followers adds about as much actual value and happiness to your life as a taco.
I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.
Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? You know he's guilty.
What do you call getting a movie about Norse gods from the Internet? DownlOdin. What do you call getting a movie about Norse gods from the Internet illegally? Thorrenting.
The Most Hipster Job Of All Time Is... Being a Mortician. Morticians are so hipster that their work doesn't get more popular; instead it just goes further underground.
The Last Man on Earth I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth. At least I'd find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
What's worse than finding a caterpillar in your apple? Finding half a caterpillar in your apple
What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic!
So I heard that Israel recently passed a law to cap banker's salaries... It'll be repealed within 8 to 9 days.
Did you hear about the leper whose wife died in a tragic car accident? He fell to pieces.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up me at now am: Did my coworker just say "email" or "bee jail". what did the bee do
Damn girl, are you a "damn girl" joke? Because I want to see you everywhere for the first 5 minutes, then suddenly none of you.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Amazon ! Amazon who ? Amazon of a gun !
[police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
My wife has a shell tattood on her upper thigh.. And if you lay your ear on top of it, you can smell the sea.
DR: Are you sexually active? ME: Very DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn't count ME: Still yes DR: Neither do croissants ME: Then no
I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...
I was going to make a joke about Counter Strike... But it would be globally offensive.
Who did the breeder call when his horse was  possessed by an evil spirit? An exhorsist!
So a guy gets on a bus carrying a pole. The bus driver asks him "Are you a pole vaulter?" The man replies "No, I'm Swiss. And how did you know my last name was Vaulter?".
Imagine how much self-control the people who make bubble wrap must have.
There are only two things certain in life death, taxes, and people who can't count.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide... is it a hostage situation?
I asked a French person why us Americans piss them off so much I couldn't really understand what he said but I'm pretty sure it was "Blah blah blah, I'm French, I'm better than everyone."
My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t
First thing you do in the school of rock? Rock enroll.
Would you say that the idea of a nun having sex with a clown... is virgin on the ridiculous?
A 90 Year Old Holocaust Survivor Told Me This One... "Don't you think I have anything better to do than give 20 people on Reddit the same joke every day for the past 2 years?"
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don't know how crazy you are. Also, you're now out of xanax.
I miss having Lance Armstrong at the Olympics He was dope.
Why Can't Dinosaurs Clap. Because They're Dead. :)
The police knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing some fella on a bike. I said fuck off my dog ain't even got a bike.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren't just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
So there's a hot tub full gays... A condom floats to the surface and one of them says: "Alright, who farted?"
What's the fastest way to send a rabbit?  Haremail.
Neighbor: Yard sale huh? How much's mower? Me: $50 Him: Wait! That's the one you borrowed from me! Me: $20 Him: Its a $500 mower! Me: ..$100
What is Michelle obama's favorite vegetable? BARACK-OLI
Me: Can I pet your dog? Stranger: sure M: one more time S: uh, ok M: again S: maybe you should get your own M: pet S: we have to go M: mine
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He tried to drink tea before it was cool.
I've set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I'm always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.
What's white on top and black on bottom? Society!
To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited?
What did the astronomer say when the government launched a napalm bomb to the seventh planet Uranus is on fire
I just wanna give a shout out to the ancients, for inventing the calendar. It has made my day
I went shopping for some lingerie for my wife. I asked the shop keep if the panties were satin. He said "No, they're brand new".
My cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. Luckily, he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store.
HER: I love sweater weather ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It's that time of year again already?!
She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
What do you call a medieval dentist? A plaque doctor.
I feel like the set of Breaking Bad would be the best place to cook meth without anyone suspecting it.
"Let me ax you something." - a very generous lumberjack and you're a racist.
What do you call a riot in Baltimore? Target practice.
Why do Native Americans hate snow? It's white and it's all over their land.
So there was a pediatrist... no, wait a doct- a... Gynecologist *that's it!* Anyway... I walk in and... "Sorry, I fucked up the delivery everybody. Also, your baby is dead."
Why did the insomniac get arrested? He resisted a rest.
/r/jokes won't get this Original jokes
Just bought a raffle ticket, top prize a Mediterranean cruise. Last week's was a rollover
Zayn Malik has a full beard now. He only shaves in one direction.
I didn't spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: Didn't you do any financial planning? ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
What's under the Pillsbury Doughboy's apron? Doughnuts
How is it that rice originated from China to become a staple food for a large part of the world's human population? I mean, come on! They couldn't even pronounce it.
What do you call a burden of a bookstore A liabilitirary *say it out loud*
A classics professor goes to a tailor... ... to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"
Molly and Shannon are sisters born on the same day of the same year, same mother, same hospital. But Molly is 7 years older than Shannon. How is this possible? Shannon died in a car accident.
You know you're on Twitter too much when you start learning the news from the jokes.
My mom just replied to my text with "K." Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
What do you call 100 black people on a plane to Africa? A good start.
I'm predicting the next big hip hop fashion accessory: Thimbles. Gold thimbles. Worn on two or three fingers per hand.
Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore... ...you'll just get called a racist for supporting him.
What do you call it when Al Capone goes camping? Criminal intent.
When I'd go to clubs, I spent half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one. We are very efficient and not very funny...
Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it's built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
What do Islamist extremists eat for breakfast? French toast
First hockey game at the leper colony There was a face off and a hand-pass
What do you call a weed smoker with abs? A Narc.
You know what's stupider than a cow? Two cows.
i'm going to quit my job and open a donut shop that also sells weed i'll call it 'glazed and confused'.
Saw two construction workers laughing today... I know what they were really building, friendship
I watched a documentary on marijuana ..... .... It was very enjoyable. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Atoms are all liars... They make up everything! Credit to wherever my awesomely lame chemistry teacher finds her corny jokes :)
Why aren't there any walmarts in Afghanistan? Because there's a Target on every corner!
If you have a pet parrot and don't teach it to say "Help they've turned me into a parrot", you're wasting everyone's time.
what did the biologists call their basketball team? The Hemoglobin-Trotters!
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Probably the wurst (or the best) halloween joke i have heard yet What do you call a wiener when you take out its intestines? A halloweener
My friend recently tried to get appointed chancellor of Germany but failed. I told him he was literally worse than Hitler.
I was offered a part in a silent film. I'm speechless.
I like my beer how i like my violence Domestic
I'm not racist! I have a colored TV.
That really wasn't nice of Dorothy to say "I'll miss you most of all" to Scarecrow with Lion & Tin Man standing right there.
what has three legs and a cunt a drum stool
What do you call it when two amoebas say hi? A micro-transaction.
Adblock can't melt Ellen Pao.
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? Elton John.
Why did the riot police show up early to the protest? They wanted to beat the crowd.
If I wasn't supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn't have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I gave my family moving pictures for Christmas today. They were great gifs
Why was the Nun admitted to rehab.... Because she had a habit! I'll just show myself out
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Why did the broom take a nap? It was sweepy. &amp;#3232;\_&amp;#3232;
i wonder if china has fancy plates called america
What math classes do gender studies majors take? Triggernometry.
Mom I'm running away! No I don't need a jacket! Mom no I'm fine I don't need a jac- mom! No I don't need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I think my calculator is broken... The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.
A man walks into a bar And says ouch. Hello Caldera! I'll be here all week!
Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason.
Its no longer the little birdy that told you something. now days its "i seen it on facebook."
What people travel the most?  Romans.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but only if the lightbulb really *wants* to change.
What did the math teacher tree say to the music teacher tree? Nice log rhythms
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I'm like "OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE"
*knock knock* "Who's there?" "I got up." "I got up who?" "In that case, the bathroom's over there."
Just went to the dentist. He's a pretty average, normal guy so I assume he'd be one of the four out of five.
Holiday Tip: if you boil a turd on low heat the whole house smells like farts.
I was on the beach with my daughter. After a while, she turned to me and said, "Dad, you look like a lobster." "Oh no," I replied, "Am I burning?" She said, "No. Just very ugly."
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
Have you heard the joke about leaving milk out too long? I'd tell you, but it's cheesy.
My girlfriend accidentally shoved a pair of glasses up my ass... Now my hindsight is 20/20
Why was the janitor late? He overswept
I'd like the chicken-fried steak, please." Uh lemme get back to you *runs to kitchen* YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If a tiger was attacking your wife and mother in law at the same time and you could save one, who would it be? The tiger of course. There are only a few left 
Marriage is like a three ring circus. First you've got the engagement ring, then you've got the wedding ring, and then you've got the suffering.
TIL that French military units do not fly the French flag. They use a white flag instead.
What do bees use to do their hair? Honeycombs!
My Ex-Wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! It's funny because marriage is terrible.
The church are upset about a new type of Heroin, called "Jesus" They hate it when people take the Lord's name in vein.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Pacquiao was chasing it!
I was always told by my father to fight fire with fire... ...And that's how he got kicked out of the fire brigade.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Man asks blonde for coffee without cream. Blonde replies: "We're out of cream. Would you prefer coffee without milk instead?"
A grate dad! Dad, how does it feels to have the most beautiful son in the world? I do not know son, ask your grandfather.
Me: I'm nauseous. WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.
Uuhhhhckkk. Pants are the worst.
My daughter put a horse's head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today. My Wife wasn't. She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse. Odd, we don't own a dog.
On Hitler's birthday my company is discounting everything... Everything will be nein percent off. My mother actually came up with this..not sure if I should be concerned.
Beltway Holdups
Why did the Russian man get food poisoning? Because NE-coli.
If you have three tuna and take away one half, what do you have? Two 'n' a half -OR- tuna half.
"Son, I just wanted to let you know your adopted" "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted. "Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously
I'm just now realizing most blink-182 lyrics don't make any sense I guess this is growing up...
I'm excited about a black person being on the $20 bill. I always wanted to use black people as currency.
6yo's can't go to jail so I have no idea why this one's refusing to drive me home from the pub.
how many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? juan.
What phone networks do Jedi's use? Yodafone
If I worked for Papa Johns as a delivery man I would break down every door with an axe as I say "Here's Johnny!" Guaranteed tips.
Feminists have been banned from walking past my local garden center In case they take a fence
What do you call a blind german? A Not - see (Nazi)
I used to pretend that broccoli florets were treetops and I was a giant eating up the forest while my Dad pretended he had a manly son.
College can be a lot like prison sometimes It's easier to get into if you're black.
What's the difference between America and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.
What is the title of a show where children pawn items? Child Pawnography
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough, you can neither drive nor shut the hell up.
what so you call a white guy with a small penis? cockasian
The residents of Mayberry took a course in computer programming. Whenthe instructor said, "Compile," Gomer went to the head of the class.
What do they call Bro Chads in the U.K.? ......Bloke chaps. Play me off Johnny!
Bought sneakers from my drug dealer Idk what he laced them with, but I been trippin for hours
My wife wanted a new mattress... I said I'd have to sleep on it.
A fish swims into a wall. It says damn!
In Soviet Russia Assholes are like Opinions KGB only lets you keep one of them
New study shows that homosexuals care more about marriage than straight people. When they propose, they get down on both knees.
My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...
"Drop it like its hot" -Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog
We are not talking over a radio! This relationship is over! Me: This relationship is what? Over
Quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail is as easy as 1-2-5
How did Canada name their country? They picked random letters from a hat. C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
*lowers head *breaks thru 5 tackles *hurdles lineman *runs 100 yards *hamstrung at goal line *dragged back to line of scrimmage -my wedding
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
I just left my job, see why ? She : I just left my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me. Me : What did he say ? She : You're fired.
I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.
Why are elephants big and grey? Because if they were small and purple, they would be called grapes.
A doctor gave a man six months to live ... ... The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby? Me: Ooh, yes please! * Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I like my coffee like I like my women... Drunk.
What do you call a Mexican on a bike? a dirt bike
You need to understand latin and german to understand this one Ovum ovum, quid lacus ego.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
Will I. Am's headstone will read "Will I. Was," completing history's longest set-up to a punchline
Two Trump supporters are walking side by side. After a while, one asks the other "Can I walk in the middle now?"
What does a fish say when it hits a wall? Dam
A Jewish daughter asks her Jewish dad for forty dollars to go to the movies... the dad says: "Thirty dollars?! what do you need twenty five dollars for?!"
if you collect ladies of the night [nsfw] does that make you a whorder
What did the pillow say when it fell off the bed Sheet
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two of them, now it's offensive to talk about.
Pikachu used racist comments It's super offensive!
What color is ice? Hielo.
Oprah just came out with a line of vibrators They're called "the O".
How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically
What do organic mathematicians put in their fireplaces? Natural logs.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin? They use a Milwaukee-Talkie
Doctor: What seems to be th- Me: -Medicinal marijuana! Doc: I'm sorry? Me: Let's start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?
What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster? A wake-up call!
Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you're doing it for attention and we ALL know you'll be back.
How do you know that someone you met is a Harvard graduate? He already told you so.
Gramps' head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can't go to helicopter camp.
What's the difference between a straight mustache and a gay mustache? The smell.
How do you describe a Swede, who's not really a Swede? Swed-ish.
If it's one thing I hate, it's an Indian-giver... No, I take that back.
Knock knock. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor Who?
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It  was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards...
How many potatoes does it take to kill and Irish man? None
Twin Towers [removed] I'm going to hell for this...
I call my wife "Happy Meal"... She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...
Halfway through a wash, my washing machine started demanding sex from me, right here right now. It was the menstrual cycle.
What did the Indian child say to his mother before he left for school? Mumbai!
In his next movie poster, I wonder if Ice Cube will be mildly annoyed by whatever is going on around him.
On my deathbed I'll be so glad I watched tons of tv & didn't travel.
What do people from West Virginia do on Halloween? Pump Kin.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? One or two thrown hard enough to the head should do the trick. Maybe one if it's really hot.
Have you heard the one about the pushover fashion designer? He was easily suede.
Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's? A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.
Wonder why my son doesn't want me to walk him to the bus stop? Maybe I'd better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
What do you get when you cross a camera with a mirror? A camera that takes pictures of itself.
What does it sounds like when a Japanese Homer Simpson forgets how to count to 11? "Nin, ten, *Doh*" ....I'll leave now.
It makes more sense to dump Gatorade on the losing head coach.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool "This is my 24th winter" Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Imagine how hard you'd cry if you found out your mom had been eaten by a wolf WHILE you were chopping onions.
This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
What do people typically get at Whole Foods? Ripped off.
What would Bill Nye be called if he spoke to ghosts? Bill Nye the Seance guy.
What is the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew? The Boy Scout came back from camp.
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate  before his wife throws him out? I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.
How many talking heads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and another to spin the story until the bulb fits.
I'm lactose intolerant, too. Do the pills work for you? It's a crap shoot.
What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a pit bull? The pit bull will eventually let go.
Being a baker is a great side-job... ...especially when I knead the dough.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.
Will only make sense to geezers... Q: What do Hot Lips Hoolihan and Richard Pryor have in common? A: They both have had major burns on their face.
I've got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
When things are bad, remember: At least you're not as big an asshole as the guy who invented putting walnuts in chocolate chip cookies.
Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans? 'Cuz they were stalin'!
It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.
Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed? He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.
So I went to my first gym today Brock was pretty hard.
A city worker was removing a stray bar extending out in to a sidewalk at forehead level... Thousands of comedians pummeled him to death, and the jokes continued.
What is the worst thing about Ancient History Class? The teachers tend to Babylon
If Trump was in any political party... He'd be in the Whig party
When cats are sad... Bartender: "What can I get you?" Cat: "Shot of tequilla." *Bartender pours it.* *Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.* Cat: "I'll have another."
(Grandpa joke) If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay? Bagels. I'll be here all night, people!
What's fast and breathes fast underwater? Definitely not a toddler, I can tell you that now.
[sex addiction group] "Hi, my name is Fred, and as I've got a saxophone in my hand it's fair to assume I misread the ad"
What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup (Soccer)? Turn off the Playstation.
Donald Trump has a plan to keep liberals away from his rallies He's going to call them "career fairs"
I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.
I can't believe my girlfriend just called me old fashioned And with her ankles showing, the slut
[fleeing the bank we just robbed] accomplice: play it cool this time, okay? me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS police officer: alright he's clear
When I went to chemistry class for the first time, I was not surprised... The classroom poster was periodictable
What's the hardest thing about being a vegan crossfitter who went to Harvard? Figuring out what to tell you about first.
Why did the football player tackle the phone booth? To get his quarter back! Hahahahahha
What has big ears brings Easter treats and goes "hippity-BOOM hippity-BOOM hippity-BOOM"? The Easter Elephant.
Me: "I'm thinking about running a marathon again" Her: "Wow, you have ran a marathon before?" Me: "No, but I have thought about it."
"How many SEO experts do you need to change a lightbulb lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn"
Be nice to people because you never know when you'll a need character witness.
"Muhammad's So Fat.. -what? No, I said, "Yo' Momma." Damn, this is why no one hangs out with you any more."
THe newiest Knock Knock joke I heard. - Knock Knock - Who's there? - First pilot. hopefully not too soon
What should you do when you see a blond with a pin in her mouth? RUN! She's got a grenade in her mouth!
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... ...to watch the Welsh play in the quarter-final
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice while on vacation. My gondolences.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
What comes after Brexit ? BREICH
If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face... If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother
"What should we call the big finger?" "'Thumb' seems as good as any." "Impressive. What about this smallest one?" "PINKY!" "............."
6/6/14 Dear Diary - Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet. 6/7/14 Dear Diary - Guantanamo sucks.
Good Old Fashion Clickbait. If you're reading this than you like it too.
What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage bag? A dead baby in two garbage bags.
If you are what you eat Then I'm a big pussy and my wife is a dick
[spider's junk email folder] -TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$ -HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU -TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Why do tectonic plates wear diapers? Because they're in continents.
My manager at the millinery has a really short temper I mean he gets really angry at the drop of a hat!
I'm emotionally constipated... Haven't given a shit in days.
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their biggest hit was The Wall.
Q: What kind of guitar did the pool player own? A: A-cue-stick.
I can't believe I shaved my toes for this
Why does a chicken coup only have two doors? Because if they had four doors they'd be called chicken sedans.
How many pushups can Ryan Gosling do? All of them.
Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot. I can't do them, but my headphones sure fucking can.
Introducing 2017's newest best seller: A Million Little Fibers. Written by Melania Trump.
What is the worst joke in philosophy? One that kant be repeated.
So many weirdos, so little internet.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won't be invited Obama: Joe Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I had to do my nightly chores twice today Thanks daylight savings!
My brother had some bad news.. I saw my brother the other day, he told me "Grandpa got badly burned" "Really how badly?" "Well they don't fuck around at the crematorium"
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
What do you get if you cross a poodle with katey perry? 7 trillion dead toddlers.. LMFAOOOOOOOO
The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children's book that teaches us that it's ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they're dead.
What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you're gay.
Someone on Facebook posted "Having the BEST DAY EVER!!" So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Pluto is 4.5 billion years old, but yet it is not allowed to sit at the grown-ups' table.
Did you hear about the Korean who entered the lottery? He won one billion won.
Do you know how a suicide wank works? You just shoot yourself in the face!
Always bring a rogue with you when you go to Thailand They're good at detecting traps
I never point out when someone's zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.
I like it when people complement me on my grammar
What do you call a play about a moose on a bicycle? A Moosical
"You da bomb" was one of the best things to hear someone tell me when I was younger. But the possibility of hearing it now has me scared to death here in ISIS.
What's the quietest element? A no-bell gas. Especially when the ringing noises Are-gon.
Sign language is a very handy skill Or so I hear.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.
A guy at the DIY store asked if I wanted decking... ...fortunately I managed to get the first punch in.
Today I went to a zoo who's only animal was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What's the difference between your sister and a washing machine? A washing machine only takes one load at a time.
I think the worst thing about falling asleep right after sex is that I never manage to get the fish back into the aquarium.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond] "HEY! NO LITERING--" shh wait [a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Why do some people cough alot? Because they drink to much coughee.
What's the best part about child molestation jokes? You don't understand it until you're older!
Two elephants meet a nudist After a while one elephant says to the other "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing"
Life Pro Tip: Replace your shoelaces with earphone wires.. ... just look away and they'll tie themselves. (yes yes, it's not an original)
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `"WASH ME"` on her face.
Alzheimer's can't be that bad You get a chance to meet new people every day.
For the last few weeks, whenever I get into a conversation with someone... I just wanna say "ISIS, Donald Trump, Leonardo Dicaprio, Bye."
I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
ONE-LEGGED PEOPLE Q: Where do one-legged people eat? A: IHOP.
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader. 
Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting  worse.
Health tip: There's never a 'safe' time to shake a teenage boy's hand. Never.
I was at the pub the other day when the landlord walked up to me, handed me a phone and said, "It's for you, sir" "Thanks mate," I said, took it and walked away. What a generous lad.
With your current salary what Apple product can you buy? Apple juice
Funny joke. TheFineBrothers.
What did the doctor say when he delivered a blonde-haired baby to an expecting Chinese couple? Two Wongs don't make a white
What do you get if you cross Socrates with a dentist? A flossopher!
My friend gave me an EpiPen as he was dying. He must have *really* wanted me to have it.
The biggest flaw with the new Apple iCar Is installing windows.
I got fucked by a priest 15 years ago... I still remeber his exact words...He said, "You may now kiss the bride"!
When I'm in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?
There's no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen ninjas.
Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.
Every time you put on a jean jacket your middle name changes to "jean jacket" on your birth certificate.
Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
The Holacust isn't funny my grandfather died in one of those camps he fell off his guard tower
Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it. Genius.
What do biology students do when they do poorly on a test? They bio-D-grade.
Those magical three words you've been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Name a famous robber! Cops!
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I'm fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
What do you call it when you accidently butcher your your hefier instead of your steer A mistake.
A friend of mine got caught masturbating in the showers. It completely ruined our class trip to Auschwitz.
Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we're all set.
As of now, I only know of three Jewish holidays: Hanukkah The Bar Mitzvah The Oscars
How many ears does spock have? (if you don't get it read it aloud) a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work. She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.
What is Blizzard going to call StarCraft 5? SCV.
I changed my night club's name to Erectile Dysfunction for one night Nobody came... If ya know what I mean (God, please don't punish me for saying this)
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol' what's his name Friend: Shia Lebouff Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck
Why did the father of the asian couple know the baby was not his? Because two Wongs don't make a white
I hate when people say "Look at me when I'm talking to you." I mean, c'mon, one inconvenience at a time.
Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas? They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.
What's the worst part about vaping? Telling your parents you're gay.
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
The Commandments 1) def don't kill 2) no stealing, obvs 3) don't say my name? idk 4) luv ur neighbs! 5) but don't LOVE-love them, that's bad
A black guy and a mexican are in a car, who's driving? The police. They're the police, racist.
If an honest man says he has to use the bathroom He's full of shit.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who's laughing now?
Did you hear what NASA said about the asteroid? [OC] "No comet."
An alzheimer joke (sorry if this is a repost)
Silly Boy Boy: where are you going now? Girl: For suicide.. Boy: Then, why so much make-up? Girl: You idiot.... Tomorrow my photo will come in Newspaper..!!
[job interview] What's ur greatest strength? "I wear too much cologne" No, I mean- "A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator"
Nothing beats the last 30 seconds of a close basketball game. They should just make all games 30 seconds long.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but they have to be very tiny
Q: Why don't Polish people kill frogs? A: Because it's their national bird.
How do you tittilate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot.
What is the opposite of a Predator? a Postdator
*starts throwing a fit* Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers. Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.
U2's Ireland shows have sold out. Expect a ticket through your letterbox any day now courtesy of Bono.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner? Me: Are you crazy? That'd be terrible for you. 4: Mom's not home. Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire... Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness] Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I hate when people talk behind my back. They disscuss me.
Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Being elected President wouldn't give me the level of self-satisfaction I have after a car speeds by me & I end up next to it at a red light
What do homeless people eat for breakfast? Cardboard-hydrates
Apparently my friends think I'm paranoid. I fucking knew it.
I'll always remember the wise advice the bishop gave me You can take the boy out of church, But you can't take the priest out of the boy.
Just got arrested in an airport in North Carolina for peeing sitting down in the men's room.
And the award for Best Actress goes to...*opens envelope*....my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in "Bath Time".
I saw this really good movie in a hotel.. There were a lot of gunfights, cowboys, saloons and drinking. It was the Best Western I've ever seen.
my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer
She said she'd keep an eye out for me I don't know why. I don't even like skullfucking.
Whatever happened to silk underwear? A: Fell through the cracks.
Always tweet as if your unfollowers are watching.
Why do robots make bad boyfriends? They just screw, nut, then bolt.
Facebook weather: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullsh1t blowing in from all directions!
When a girl says: "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I'm a f*ckin psycho."
How do you call sons of australians and germans? Men at Work
Why Was Jill upest about the new iphone? because there was no jack.
What is important in relationships? Reflexivity and transitivity.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.
How do you starve a black guy? The same way you starve anyone else , you racist.
Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation ....
I was quite surprised when I was arrested for exposing a pedophile ring. All I did was moon a school bus.
What is green, and then red? Frogs in a blender.
Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left it.
Most people cry while chopping an onion... The secret is to not form an emotional bond.
It's a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
My girlfriend said, "Hey, want to hear a dirty joke..." I expected her to say "a white horse in mud", but she surprised me with "your dick after we do anal".
The Scots are updating the perception of traditional Scottish fare. Oatmeal porridge will now be known as a Highland Smoothie.
How many germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nein
Ghetto Word Of The Day: Cologne "Ay, you think you cologne me a dollar or two?"
What do you say to a thin American? "How's the chemotherapy going?"
What did a constipated Watson tell Sherlock? No shit, Sherlock.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Some say that the Mongols created the first iteration of the Ideal Gas Law. After all, they were pneumatic experts.
The seven dwarves were sitting in a sauna feeling happy so happy got up and left
My dentist tells me to floss my teeth daily. I wish he'd leave me alone.
Worst 15 minutes of my life I quit Reddit it was the worst 15 minutes of my life!!!
Why did the Raisin take a Prune to the Prom? Because he couldn't find a Date!
They call me the weather man Because I say 8 inches, when I meant 2.
I have a malaysia airlines joke but no one finds it funny
Birthdays can be really nice But I heard too many of them can kill you
Why does Hillary Clinton want to be president? She also wants to get a blow job in the oval office
What's the difference between a deaf person and my wife? I don't know.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now
Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop
How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.
One for the Mexican holiday. What do you call four Mexicans drowning? Cuatro Sinko.
I like my girl like I like... Reddit Unexpectedly down on me!
A flea jumped over the swinging doors of a  saloon drank three whiskeys and jumped out again. He picked himself up  from the dirt dusted himself down and said "OK who moved my  dog?"
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady? We would never know cuz he cant stand up
What's snoop dogg's favorite time of day? High Noon.
If you're wearing sunglasses & it's not at all sunny out, you can't get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave won't brown your meat!!!
so i accidentally stabbed my friend's butt last night... but he forgave me, it was an asshole.
Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
What happened when the sausage came in first? An announcer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wiener!"
How is Valve like Uranium-238? By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
Which phone is most sold in Australia? The htc M8. Oi mate
I should write a personal apology to the employees of the sewage treatment plant for what I just sent them.
My father was a nun... Whenever he was in court and the occupation was called for, he would say "nun."
The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler ? Michael can actually finish a race off..
I don't speak french but I know a little german. He's sitting over there.
What's six inches long that women love? Folding money.
The doctor says to the patient "I have horrible news." "I'm afraid you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease." The patient sighs and says "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Jamaican Snowman What's a Jamaican snowman's favorite song? ...... Snowoman no cry.
I got peanut butter on my camera Now every picture is a jif
Not only is my new thesaurus terrible, But it's also terrible.
Why can't you ever trust pillowcase salesmen? Because it might be a *sham*
What's the difference between an 8-ball and a baby? Eric Clapton would never let an 8-ball fall out the window!
How does Big Boss store his photos? On a Solid Snake Drive 120 gb sorry :\
A man was found with his dick in a peanut butter jar... He was fucking nuts.
"I saw the Facebook Movie yesterday. It's a good movie. It touched all my emotions: LOL, OMG, WTF..."
Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
I asked god for a bike but I knew it didn't work that way... So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are "Halloween decorations" again.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19" TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I see you've blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address Baby, does this mean we're on a break?
Stephen Hawking is an inspiration He's earned millions in the past 10 years without lifting a finger.
"I ate pizza twice today!" - Cuba Gooding, Jr. (I mean, why not? Can you prove he didn't say this? Fuck you.)
A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.
I feel like Trump is like Hitler Terribly misunderstood.
"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it. Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.
Bra &amp; Hat What did the bra say to the hat? "You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."
I'm fed up of all this racism. I think we should all come together & unite as one...blacks, whites, Asians...and gang up on the Arabs.
In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes. And he's getting fed up with it.
An Olympic gymnast walked into a bar... She didnt get a medal...
What's The Difference Between a Redditor and a Calender? A Redditor is a living breathing human being, and a Calender is an inanimate object.
How does a dog catcher gets paid? by the pound.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away? Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Mom?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking? Me: No B: Tell me our company policy M: Lol, I can't even do that when I'm sober
Why is it so hot in a stadium after the game is over? Because all the fans left...
Why did the socialist drop out of high school math? Because there were too many damn inequalities.
Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know  what's wrong with my phone but I can't make long distance calls any longer! Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are long enough already!
A man can survive up to two weeks without water, around forty days without food, and about one hour without touching his junk.
I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian. He said, "You can't be serious." I said, "I know."
A good rule to live by Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant She said "Ohh , something smells nice" So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time.
If you are talking to me and I appear as if I'm attentively listening, I'm probably just silently correcting your grammar in my head.
Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements? The liter.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Why didn't the Photon have any luggage on the plane? He was Travelling Light
How do you castrate a redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw.
Ryan Seacrest and Ellen Degeneres are the same person. #fact
*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk *waits for you to finish *sets fan to "oscillate"
Knock knock Who's there? Anna Anna who? Anna partridge in a pear tree! :D
School is like a boner... It's long and hard unless you're Asian
I'm considering funding a scientific study to determine why every car somehow looks like the one you're waiting for a ride from.
Dig a hole all the way to China, poke your head out and yell "YOU GUYS BUILT THIS SHOVEL IT'S A GREAT SHOVEL JUST WANTED TO SAY HEY!"
What do you call two Mexicans playing volleyball? Juan on Juan
I should've married myself. I've never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
What is the only thing keeping fat people from jenny craig? The door
Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk? Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.
I hate sausage puns. They're the wurst.
Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools one of which is always empty?  It's for people who can't swim!
MOST LETTERS Q: What two words contain the most letters? A: Post office.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza? Because he was eating it before it was cool.
"Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you're outstanding too!" me, to the collection agency
Hey baby I put the sex, in dyslexic ;)
My barber is a specialist in road map  shaves. How come? When he's finished your face is full of short cuts.
[first date] HER: Do you have any hobbies? ME: Yes! Wait, did you say "hobbits"? HER: No, hobbies ME: Oh, then no
Why did Pavlov have extra soft hair? Classical conditioning
What type of bees don't die? Zom-bees
78% of black men like sex in the shower The other 22% haven't been to prison yet
A woman could tweet "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I'm not dead ;)"
My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed foreskin... Only side effect is she's a little cock-eyed now.
What do you call a tree that hates this joke? A face palm.
Why did the incarcerated 12 year old furiously jerk off in jail? He was hoping for an early release
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
did you hear about the circus fire? it was intense
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I'm in the bathtub.
The hardest part about online dating... Finding someone who clicks with you.
What do stoners ride to school? The cannibus
Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night... She stood him up.
A woman says: I'm hot. Lets turn on the Air Conditioner
What type of currency do people use in outer space? STARbucks.
Hope you guys like clean humor videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNt-aTq0hxM
If you own a big home and someone tells you to go big or go home, you get trapped in a paradox forever and can't even die. I'm serious.
I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.
What is the name of an Irish girl who hangs out on your lawn? Patti O'Furniture
What do you call an eight-legged insect holding a magnifying glass? A spy, duh.
A girl walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a double entendre. Then he gave it to her.
Apparently, Isaac Asimov wrote a book about jokes and puns called Treasury of Humor I laughed my Asimov when I was reading it
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.
When a clock is hungry... it goes back four seconds.
I fucking hate Black History month It's the darkest month of the year
Why did the thesaurus have a creeping feeling? He had an antonym.
First time posting here. I always found this f$%#ed up, but hilarious. Q: Why did Lucy fall off the monkey bars? A: She's got no arms Me: Knock Knock Them: Whose there? Me: Not Lucy.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I hope Jeb Bush wins the primaries Then takes Dick Cheney as his running mate. There campaign slogan would be "same dick, new bush."
What two words result in the most marriages? Screw it. EDIT: u/Zui_Quan has a better answer lol
Building collapses in Detroit this morning. Damage is estimated at 12-14 dollars.
I'm the man putting sexy... .... back into dyslexic.
I casually mentioned to my cat that I've petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "How many?"
Doctor Doctor Can I have second  opinion? Of course come back tomorrow!
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assalted.
Parrot A black guy walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bar tender asks " he's beautiful where did you get him" the parrot squaks " Africa theres plenty of them"
Why was the accountant constipated? He couldn't budget.
What do you call a Chinese orange? A Mandarin
What's long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
What do blacks and bikes have in common? They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.
Thank you for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
How does a jew make coffee? Hebrews it..
How do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
I absolutely despise double-standards... Except when it's me, then it's okay.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
There was a black out in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
Why would it be bad to be a black Jew? .....you would have stand in the back of the furnace! (Just jokes guys no hate here )
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey... But I turned myself around
What Happens if you eat Yeast and Shoe Polish ? Every morning you will RISE and SHINE.
Like my Great Grandmother always used to say,,,, Marry someone who will love you for your posts and not your profile picture.'
The makers of Pedia-Lite are making emory boards for kids. They call them Pedia-Files.
What do you call water that hasn't been changed? Still, water.
What do you call a country full of people who throw garbage on the street, while repeating consonant sounds? A litter nation.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
What is going to replace ObamaCare? Don.T.Care
I just had sex with an Astronaut ... It was outta this world
What do you call a group of Rhode Islanders? A traffic accident.
I make the kids wear fannypacks so they'll have someplace to hold my drugs when we get pulled over.
I don't call it stalking I call it checking up
Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool? Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.
Why does Reddit love Ronda Rousey so much? she hits women
How many Protestants does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They live in eternal darkness.
Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia ? Must have been a duck family A duck family ? Didn't you say there was a quack in it !
Jewish Car Did you hear about the new Jewish car? Not only can it turn on a dime, but it can go back and pick it up too
A soon-to-be-married Asian man calls off his engagement, but keeps the wedding band. He's really into recyciring.
Things I suck at:1. Being attractive.2. Being normal.3. Relationships.4. Texting back.5. Math.6. Life.
What kind of degrees do slaves get in college? Their Master's.
Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!
What do you call the slimy stuff between dinosaurs' toes? Slow cavemen.
Peeing with a boner... It's hard.
This election year I vote for Seroquel Because I'm Antipsychotic
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls. Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick? Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Referees at the Lions-Seahawks Game
I used to be a missing cat Now I'm in a band
What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador
Being an ugly woman is like being a man... You're going to have to work.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.
Two elephants and a snake jumped off a cliff... Boom Boom Tsss
What do you call a bear that is not Jewish? Gentile Ben
What's green, fuzzy and could kill you if it fell from a tree? A pool table
The Dalai Lama Walks Into a Pizza Shop... ...and asks says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
What is the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs
What do you cal a bear with extreme mood swings? A bi-polar bear.
Russian proverb: the church is near, but the road is icy... The pub is far away, but I'll walk carefully.
dog: i saw u out there me: what? dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog me: i was just dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
A reddit admin awoke to the sound of a beeping alarm clock but pressed the snoo's button and went back to sleep
You know what I've noticed a lot of posts about recently? The Baader-Meinhof phenomenon.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he's going to the clinic for a 'work related' injury.
What do you call a well hung black man? Dead.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Why is Trump's suits made from the same material as panties? What else do you cover a cunt with?
Need to save money on car insurance? Flee the scene.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me? ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot. ME: No you didn't.
Statistically speaking... 6/7 dwarfs aren't happy.
A monk killed a man before going into fasting... It was a premeditated homocide
I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building. Hope it's not terminal.
You're a narcissist. A bet you thought this thread was about you.
I like my women like I like my golf scores In the 80s, with a slight handicap
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat?? *stabs curtain* LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w'rst game of hideth and seeketh ev'r *dies*
What cereal do impotent men eat? Nut-N Raisin Honey
Programmers How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.
How do they make bras for octopi? With suction cups.
Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny.
Want to hear a good comeback story? Brokeback Mountain.
Why did Snow White go to bed? She was feeling Sleepy.
There's this greek archipelago called the "Sporades". People there work sometimes. By my Economics/Politics teacher
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I was at a restaurant and didn't have any money left after paying for my meal. So I tipped the waitress my fedora.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer? -Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
Dave was hard at work It was really quite awkward for his female coworkers.
What do a crematorium and an auditorium have in common? It's apparently frowned upon to jerk off in either.
Yesterday I bought an expensive but poorly made tie... I think my ascot ripped off!
Boss: Why are you late? Me: Why are you so obsessed with me?
Well this is new. A pigeon just shit on my phone as I was texting.
There's one nice thing about getting Alzheimers I'm making new friends every day!
What's does a black man have in common with a tornado? It only takes one to ruin a good neighbourhood
What's dirtier than grease on Olivia Newton John? Cum on Eileen.
What do you say when you see a Nazi trip and fall? "Are you Alt-right?"
PARTYING = a simple word describing the physical expression of a state mind in which you're deeply aware of how incredible it is to exist.
i tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia but she kept bringing it back up
My dicks like Tinkerbell if you believe hard enough it comes right back up.
Lots of grandfather jokes. Here's his favorite. My uncle. He hates my dad. My uncle is his favorite joke.
My friend asked me what superpower I wanted I said cold war Russia
What do you call a promiscuous egg? Humped-me Dumped-me
What's the difference between 'your mum' and 'knock knock' jokes? A door doesn't let you come inside.
The world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the sun...which shines out my ass.
What the difference between a feminist and a pencil? The pencil has a point
It's been the "longest week ever" for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them
The Vietnamese place on my street has soup so popular they make you stand in a line to get it. It's a big pho queue.
What was Camelot ? A place where people parked their camels !
Desi vedio jugar of india jugar india ka
I'm 20 years old, and my SO is 9 months pregnant.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Why did the smoothie get assassinated? He got mixed up with a few bad apples.
Who do you call during a Zika virus emergency? The SWAT team
My Grandmother recently passed away and left me everything in her will. I guess you could say that I'm Grammy nominated.
How can you tell this joke was submitted by a woman? No, wait.
If you say "no ifs, ands, or buts", then get ready for a shitload of "shoulds", "as well as", and "howevers".
What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire
What's black, white, and red all over? The bludgeoned face of a bi racial man in 2017 america.
Why should you never kiss a slutty bird? Because you might get chirpies, which is a canararial disease, but don't worry, it's tweetable.
What's the best language for jokes? Punjabi.
Adventures Of Pedo-Sherlock How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes? -Elementary, my dear Watson.
What sound does a dead cow make? BOOOOOOOOOO
Why shouldn't you trust a midget? Because their head's close to their butt.
*at party* Guy: Want to dance? Me: I'm sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Why is the sky blue? Son: Dad..Why is the sky blue? Dad: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey... For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
Croatian salary is like menstruation You get it once a month, it lasts 5-6 days and then you're fucked
Um, my eyes are up here. -giraffes
Why don't asians like to applause? Because every time they do all they do is crap
Commander: ARCHERS READY Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it's going to get our kids into Harvard.
Why did the duck go into Rehab? Because he was a quack head
The man who discovered copper died penniless.
I went to see a theatrical performance on the history of language Turns out it was just a play on words.
I lost my mood ring... And I don't know how I feel about that.
Doctors gave me an IQ test at the hospital. The results were negative.
My mind is made up... I'm Frankenstein.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won't make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers. It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.
Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?
Do you ever smoke after sex? I don't know, I never look.
Accidents happen everyday... You were one of them.
Chuck Norris has only farted once. The last time that he did, the universe was created.
How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac? Two, then one, then none
Chicken and the Egg were sitting in bed. The Egg looks at the Chicken and says, "we sure answered THAT question."
It's not working. I've napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
What do you call a constipated detective? No shit sherlock.
Mexican word of the day "Budweiser" That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
You guys need to leave pedophiles alone! They're just kidding around.
How did the prof get the latin college girl pregnant? He asked her to do an essay. [Also, I'm latin]
What is the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? The drunk driver passes a stop sign, the stoner waits for it to turn green.
My dog LOVES dark chocolate... He doesn't care about antioxidants, it's all about great taste for him
What was the first profession to go all digital? Proctology.
What's Canada's intelligence agency called? The C.I. Eh
The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog.
9/11 was an outside job... ...until the planes came in
My wife said to me she wanted to go somewhere fancy.... "somewhere where they serve from the left!" she demanded, so I took her through the drive-thu.
"Snowmageddon"? We can do better, Twitter. #SnowCountryForOldMen #ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter #SnowMommaFromTheTrain #Snowverfield
Today in biology class we learnt about all the health problems related to cigarettes Thank god I switched to crack last week
I can't stop watching this TV series on the history of the Black Monks It's been addicting
Jokes are all about delivery But I'm more of a DiGiorno guy
A fly walks out of a bar. He was sitting in someone's stool.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because, I'm still a little sore
Trump and a mate were getting drinks at a bar..... After a few drinks..... Trump: What is the useless skin around a woman's pussy? Mate: I have no idea. Trump (with a smirk): The rest of the woman!
Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs? A: Cos they've no idea of the route.
Kim Jong Un Executed 15 Officials This Year, South Korea Says Not sure how he did it but that is just amazing, great job Kim Jong.
Why did the grapes gang rape and sodomize the orange with a chain saw? They found him aPEELing.
Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets They do so within groups of 40.
*1st day on prozac* Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow? Doctor: That was a 30 day supply. Me: Whoops.
Q: What wobbles as it flies? A: A jelly-copter.
I won't take a bullet for anyone because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.
What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common? Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.
The NSA Agent Why couldn't the NSA agent leave the Russian airport? Because he got Snowden!
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00. Me: Can you take off the avocado? Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
There's a website you can use to see if your family is racist. It's called Facebook
Heyy Ladies how are you dressing up for Halloween? Are you taking off your make-up ?
The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital.. He's in fair condition.
I was wondering why it gets bright even before I see the sun rise in the morning. Then it dawned on me.
Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.
Why did God only make one yogi bear He tried to make another but made a boo-boo
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.
Wat do you call the entrance to a whore house? A Hodor
So my friends played a practical joke on me They gave me a candy bar &amp; told me it was chocolate, but it was actually carob. Fucking carob terrorists!
Some women are real drama queens during PMS  They complain, shout, pout, argue, cry, sulk, call in sick, throw kitchen utensils ... ... I think they are just OVARYacting
I encountered a courteous, safe driver in a practical vehicle that had a marine corps decal on the rear windshield.
There are Three Types of People in this World Those who can count, and those who can't.
I was gonna tell you a pizza joke... But it was too cheesy.
What if there was a sign written in braille that said DO NOT TOUCH! http://i.imgur.com/gNUYlpb.gif
So a baby seal walks into a club... _
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREEEEEATHE!!!!!
Why didn't the ghost have any children? Because he had a Halloweenie!
I looking a a good joke about Canada I need a joke about Canada for my Canadian co-worker. Please help.
How do blind doctors deliver babies? With a can't c-section.
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari? I dont have a ferrari in my garage.
A vagina is like the weather. Once it's wet, it's time to head in That's all folks.
What Came First... The chicken Or the furry?
Why do old men prefer golf more than sex? The fewer the strokes the better you are at it ;)
Very Funny My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
How did Harry Potter Get Down the Hill? Walking. JK. Rolling.
Just laid an egg. Very worried
I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist. Every week at our meetings there's always loads of black people hanging around.
I heard the founder of Apple was actually kidnapped by the government of Mexico Damn Mexicans always stealing our Jobs
I'm giving "Up" DVDs for Lent
Why is the brain always anxious? It's part of the nervous system.
What's most jewish of all reptiles? The MOSESaur!
Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's? I'd say it's close, but no cigar.
At Christmas, it's important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
You shouldn't buy so much Velcro... It usually a ripoff
Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I'm not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.
Look mom, my boobs are starting to grow! Yeah Mike, you should lose some weight.
Why didn't the racist eat the middle of his sunny-side up egg? Because he only likes whites.
If a guy from Boston ever asks if you want to smoke a hookah be careful You might end up shooting a prostitute.
I only eat "indie" breads. I am a Naan-Conformist
I just found out I stayed in the same hotel room as royalty. The dope left his bible behind
Man this clown thing is really getting out of control there are even 2 clowns running for president .
Teacher : Were you copying his sums ? Pupil : No Sir just seeing if he got mine right !
What do people with an extra chromosome wash their clothes with? Downy.
Mommy mommy, in school they all call me liar! Aww my Timmy, you're not in school yet.
How do you get rid of an itch? Start from scratch.
maybe she's born with it, maybe it's compulsive engagement in pleasurable habits despite their negative consequences
Do you know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO
What do you get with breaking news? Newscasts
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony's all "pffsh whatever I'm Ironman" then he's all "JARVIS HELP" then he's sad but then it's like whaaaaat.
There was a massive explosion at a French cheese factory this morning... All that remains is de brie.
Did you hear about the guy who liked to stab himself in the eye? After a while, he stopped seeing the point.
President Putin say's he is doing everything he can to wipe out Aids Researchers. (What too soon?)
What does snoop dogg use to wash his clothes? BLEYOTCH!
French rifle for sale. Never fired. Dropped twice.
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends? Cause they can't protect their towers.
This bathroom stall was quite a find. Not only does the toilet paper come in a book but it also has its own phone and a view of the city.
A trans guy walks into the bar He passed.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from..
Why do Jews stay home during the summer? They don't like going to camps.
How do you make a dog drink? You put it in a blender.
What's a Brit's favorite baked good?  cake.
Eddie's father called up to him 'Eddie if you don't stop playing that trumpet I think I'll go crazy!' Eddy replied 'I think you are already I stopped playing half an hour  ago.'
New surveys show: Surveys show that Google plus is gaining rapid popularity among today's teens.
What Do You Get When You Cross "White Christmas" With A Black Rapist? Bing Cosby    edit for pudding an extra letter in the last name
My Uncle Bill was a terrible door to door salesman. He never once was able to get one door to buy another.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!
What keyboard shortcut is extensively used by journalists who work for Breitbart News? alt right
What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows...
What's the difference between a Dominican and a Cuban? Dominicans are close, but no cigar
My love is like communism; everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory.
Knock Knock -Who's there? Come in. -Come in who? (   )
If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen.
My alarm is so needy... it wants attention at the worst times!
More Romantic Than Funny, But Well... A: Knock Knock. B: Who's there? A: Willy. B: Willy who? A: Will you marry me?
What did the Belgian Nazis call themselves? The Waffle S.S.
I love whiteboards They're remarkable.
Kids go as the devil and bigfoot on Halloween all the time, but I go as a pedophile and suddenly I'm a weirdo.
Please don't put out your cigarettes in the urinal... they are so damn hard to light up again.
What's a pirate's favourite game? An arrr-pg
What's a questionable hole blocker? A butt plug (but why? you ask)
Boats don't sleep. They wake.
What I learned from small crosses placed along the roadside with flowers. Christians are horrible drivers.
I was lucky enough to run into Terrence Howard in the street, and I told him that I saw his latest movie once. Condescendingly, as if I were an idiot, he replied, "Don't you mean... two times?"
What do you call it when you get ripped from steroid use? Ill-gotten gains
A funeral procession led by a woman and her pit bull. There are TWO hearses. "The Widow" by Katy Franco [Joke-A-Tini]. Funny and fun to watch. http://youtu.be/2B7Acry2pms
I saw a list of what things cost in the 1930s. Great Depression or not, I find it hard to believe people couldn't afford a 20 cent steak.
So I heard Scalia died... Now can we finally legalize marijuana?
What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam? "Look ma, no hands!"
Gunshots Or fireworks?
This guy at the bar yells in my face "Have you been sleeping with my wife?!"... I said "No, she's always awake when I'm over there"
Where does Sean Connery keep his guns? In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
What did the stupid ghost do? He used to climb over walls.
How do you take the letter "F" out of the word "WAY" ? There is no F in way.
What kind of Aircraft is into Men and Women? A Biplane.
I thought I saw an original joke today Turns out I just misreddit
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Beat it until she starts again.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don't need to read your science article
I wrote a book titled: How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword. All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!
What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.
I'm not sexist... being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.
"That's so raven." - bird watcher
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed. Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Do you like the internet? Cause I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Please help reconstruct this joke ... The punchline is "Well, there's cus-turd, and there's mus-turd, and there's you, ya big shit! Run, Myrtle, run!"
What do Harry Potter and Kermit The Frog's penis have in common? Hogwarts
kanye west: beyonce is the best there is & she's one of the few true artists of our generation me: kanye: me: how did u get in my room again
One of Donald Trump's slogans is America First! We'll rob the other countries later.
I tend to drop a lot of glassware but that means I'd be pretty fucking handy in one of those "In case of emergency break glass." situations.
What did the big programming number say to the small programming number? UShort.
For each like, I'll take a shot on New Years...
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair? Artificial Intelligence.
Two fish are in a tank One is driving, the other is shooting Two soldiers are in a tank They drown
The Democratic National Committee. That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won Lotto?" She says, "I'd take half, then leave you." "Excellent," he replies, "I won $12, here's $6 - now fuck off!"
Maybe just don't throw stones in any kind of house.
Michael Brown's family just wants their voices to be heard. They are tired of being shot down.
"Don't kid yourself." - birth control
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven't seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Did you hear the energizer bunny was arrested? He went to court and was charged with battery.
What did the southern gentleman say to the prostitute? Hello ma'am, what can I do you for?
What kind of wine does ISIS drink? White Infidel.
I just bought myself a can of Lynx Africa. I always wondered what AIDS, famine and civil war smelt like.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[getting escorted out of zoo] "I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie"
What did Abraham Lincoln say after a two week drunk? I freed what?
One of my friends is halfway through medical school He signs all his emails "M."
Kidnapping Did you hear about the local kidnapping at the school? It's fine, he woke up.
To make a long story short: Hamlet: Everyone dies Macbeth: Everyone dies Titanic: Everyone dies Twilight: You want to die
Patron: Waiter why is there a spider in my glass? Waiter: It scares away the flies.
Fidel Castro Dies on Black Friday Adam Smith: 1 Karl Marx: 0
How do you steal a coat? You jacket
Those girls on the balance beam learn early on that 4 inches isn't much to work with.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing, she just gagged a little.
What's green and not heavy? Light green
The ex hasn't moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
"We're not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!" might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Melania Trump is so dumb... She couldn't get a degree if her own husband opened a university. (edit: word)
Technology Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
What do you call a Russian man with three testicles? Mr. Whodyounickabollockov
Hey, Dyson vacuum guy. You invented a previously existing invention. Relax.
What did one little lesbian frog say to the other? "We really do taste like chicken!"
I asked Dad why we put cookies on the counter for Santa.. Dad replied "because thats the way the cookie crumbles"
Whats the difference between a feminist and a jihad? one actually fights for change
A blind man ... walks into a fish market, pauses and says "Hello Ladies!"
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, "Where is the water main?" so I turned on the tap & said, "Right here, main."
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Tasmanian Barbie ...spins like a top!
My mind's telling me "No!" But my body, my body's telling me "There's that chicken salad in the fridge."
How do you starve a right wing christian? Hide their money in their bible.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? For the 23rd flavor.
[if Lois Lane was a witness] Criminal: *puts on glasses* Lois Lane: I'm sorry, I've never seen this man before.
Trump chose his Secretary of Defence But who will be Secretary of De Wall?
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business
The Greatest Joke of our generation #blacklivesmatter
What's the difference between your dad and this joke? This joke will be back someday
What do you call a guy with eight dicks? A coctopus
Did you see the new joke posted on reddit? It's almost 3 years old
Q: How does a man on a moon get his haircut? A: Eclipse it.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Lying on a hospital bed, I pull you in close, and with my dying breath, I whisper, "Name one of your Pokemon after me"
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
What do you call a table with dots all over it? The periodic table!
Me: yes, I'll take the free burger Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one Me: I only want one though, the free one
You know what I dread? The long hair of Jamaicans
What drove the British mystery fan insane? He lost his Marples.
If you had lesbian parents, You would be in an endless cycle of "Go ask your mother."
If u love someone and they don't love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk! But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?
Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I know I do.
You have to compliment boobs like a Christmas tree If they're real, tell them they look fake. If they're fake, tell them they look real
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I'm the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
When Greek people play a video game, what settings do they use? Default
My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to Coolio's "gangsta's paradise".
Why is Russia the gassiest country? Because their leader is Putin.
Did you hear about the man who bought a dolphin? He didn't want to live life without a porpoise!
How do sharks like their steak? Whale-done :)
What do you call a man who revives black people from the dead? A Negromancer
My doctor said I can't lift more than ten pounds... Can you help me pee?
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day.
Planes are the bomb. Imagine the impact they had on 9/11
After two months, I finally finished reading a book on herbs &amp; spices It's about thyme. Bet you didn't see that one cumin.
What do cigarettes and pussy have in common? The closer you get to the butt, the more flavor you get.
My son's method of Laundry: If it's clean it's on the floor. If it's dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
A woman was having a shower When the doorbell rang. "It's me, the blind man." And she didn't open the door because she has public decency and doesn't stop her showers for strangers.
you know what they say about beetroot. you can beat an egg but you can't beet a root.
What's the difference between a rooster and a  hooker? a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock will do.
Where do gay fish live Aqueeriums
Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die..
How can you open a banana? - With a monkey! How can you open a banana? - With a monkey!
Uhhh, sorry Mozart, but a Wolf gang is called a pack. Smh
Did you hear about that terrorist attacks in Moscow? There's Ruble everywhere.
My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas! Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.
What do you call an eternity? 4 blondes in 4 cars at a 4 way stop
Gf: do I look fat in these pants? Brain: oh god it's a trap, this is what we've been training for Me: I've seen worse Brain: WTF MAN
In Canada... ...you are more likely to be killed by a moose than a terror plot. Damn Mooselisms.
What gives milk and has a horn? A milk tank!
Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with 'What?', there's always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.
What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children? Fight for your right to padre
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You also miss 100% of the shots you do take because you suck at basketball.
Why did the bee started talking poetry ? He was waxing lyrical !
How many pollocks does it take to paint a house? 1 to hold the brush and 1000 to turn the house!
I want to start a band called Absolute Zero. People will say we're 0K.
This girl just said, "You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?" and I was all like, "Nope." and walked away.
A Man Goes In For His Annual Check-Up With The Doctor The doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating" The Man Asks "Why" The Doctor Replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"
What word grows smaller when you add two  letters to it? Add "er" to short and it becomes shorter.
Who would win a fight between an octopus and a shark? The octopus because it is well armed.
Socks and sandals are like condoms There is almost no chance of getting a girl pregnant
What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy  road ? A mutt in a rut !
The difference between a rooster and a lawyer? When the rooster wakes, his primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Licalotapus.
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled... "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
What's the most common illness affecting neckbeards? M'laise.
How strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy? There's some things I've licked that I don't want.
What do you get when you burn Baltimore? Baltiless
An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there. The boss looks at him and says: Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.
I just got a girl pregnant, now ill finally have a little brother.
What happens when a Spanish person and a French person fuck? They give birth to an Andorran.
Never trust a mathematician with a graph. They're always plotting something.
There are two kinds of people: Those who can count.
God doesn't close a door without opening a window. God's house must be drafty as fuck.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking... Jk, rowling.
How do you cure a nymphomaniac? Marry her.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone's house, I eat a few pieces.
If you find yourself in conversation with a stutterer, it is best to shout out "Reeeeeemix" and scratch at invisible turntables.
What is a uppercase 'i'? Pointless.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
What type of jokes are the least upvoted ones? Original Jokes.
I can tell these $80 Nikes are going to help me get from the couch to the bathroom six times a day a lot faster.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband's surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, 'Ptuesday'
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies  quiet? Egyptian dummies.
To the person who stole my selfie stick: You need to take a long look at yourself.
Losing my virginity was a lot like learning to ride my bike My dad was behind me the whole way.
Why could Luke and Leia never be together? They went looking for love in Alderaan places.
Why did the punk cross the road? He was safety-pinned to the chicken.
My first time riding a bike was like my first time having sex Both times my dad helped me from behind
Do you know why they call it a raspberry pi 2? Because when you see it you'll turn 2 pi radians and walk away.
This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one's ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather? me: yes. it is very outside
Today's joke from Russian-language Internet "You know, they've built a George Orwell memorial in Russia!" 'What? Where?" "Pretty much everywhere."
I changed my iPod's name to "The Titanic". It's synching.
Best Buy: What's your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch.  Details at 11.
Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else's children. Hug the arresting officer.
I'm not "Mr Right" but I'll do freaky stuff to you till he shows up.
If Rihanna was a bear name one of her songs. Bees Better Have My Honey
How Many Friend Zoned Men Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? None, they just all stand around complaining that it won't screw!
What's the proper way to pronounce Mormon? The second m is silent.
People mistook me for a racist Some people at the park had assumed I was a racist because they thought I had said "sand nigger" Really what I said was; "Get out of the sand, nigger."
Why can't Shia Joe travel in eastern Pennsylvania? Because it's always Sunni in Philadelphia.
[interview] What is your biggest weakness? "Sometimes I'm too succinct" Can you give an example? "Yes"
An Andrew Dice Clay-esqe bit There was an Old Lady who swallowed a fly. She made $50.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
A woman about sex has to know why?' and a man where?'
League of Legends, Dota, and Hearthstone are now on ESPN Title
Only sometimes do I use semicolons in my writing; I don't want to sound like a *complete* asshole. edit: grammar. Thanks, /u/jwfiredragon
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days
Why do mushmelons always have traditional marriages? Because they cantaloupe.
What is the national vegetable of Germany? *Michael Schumacher.*
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong sock today.
What is a difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne actually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
Why was Oedipus against profanity? because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
I bet sex with a stingray is like fucking a giant pancake.
"Wow, you're tall.. Do you play basketball?" "Wow, you're short. Do you play mini golf?"
Knot Knot Who's there? Rope! Rope who? Rope Houdini use to tie himself up with!
I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalks... ...for keeping me off the streets
OB-GYN My uncle is a very accomplished OB-GYN. He is also incredibly humble, when asked what he does for a living, he casually responds, 'I'm in the cervix industry. '
What's the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Volvo
My wd-40 can rusted. It was irony.
Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say 'totes adorbz'
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis.
What's the great thing about having aids for gay men No need to worry about getting it again
*knocks on door* You're too fat. "Wha--" You're way too dumb. "Wait--who.." Hi, I'm Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You're too poor for one.
If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn't necessarily mean he's rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.
He's Fat! He's Skinny! Two Brothers, TOO FUNNY! Adam Sandler AND Adam Sandler in "Bud is Thicker than Walter!"
Ode to Joy. What's Beethoven's favourite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NAAAA.
What did the mailman ask his girlfriend? Will you envelope with me? (I know its Corny, but it makes me chuckle.)
I'm making a documentary show about the different jobs in the air travel industry. The first episode is about the flight attendants.
just said "Deep Homo" by accident instead of "Home Depot" & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they're watching me tweet now gotta go
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
What do you call a chubby girl that's high? A baked potato.
Did you know there are two different types of people in the world? Boys and girls.
Did you ever notice that black people... ...are the same as white people. - Joe Machi
2 Penises rob a bank 2 Penises are busy robbing a bank. All of a sudden a vibrator bursts through the doors. The one penis says to the other: "Oh fuck! It's RoboCop!'
*stops by new neighbor* Welcome, I brought you a cake! -Wow, thank you! You know, you didn't have to do that! Oh, ok. *walks away with cake*
Modi/Nawaz Sharif Nawaz Sharif to Modi: "Congratualations on penetrating into Mars. Whats your next target?" Modi: Uranus.
Ask me if I'm a truck. No.
After a big tsunami in Japan, the Chinese began to hoard soy sauce. So I guess you shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.
What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today? Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
ME: I wasn't invited to the party FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
What does a Notre Dame fan do after his team beats the Roll Tide? Turn off the xbox and go to bed...
Young boy at christmas : haha I got more presents then you !! Sister replied : Haha ! At least I dont have AIDS XD
You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself That's your parents job.
What does a cow like to do by a campfire? Roast Moosmallows!
What's the difference between a Twitter post and a Russian Novel? A Twitter post is limited to 140 characters
children in the back seat cause accidents accidents in the back seat cause children
I don't mean to brag but I just beat my 5-year-old ten times in a row at air hockey. He sucks.
Sergeant Miller! Yes sir? I didn't see you at the camouflage training yesterday! Thank you sir!
"I'll make him an offer he can't reuse, reduce, or recycle." - Al Goreleone
When I was a kid, I asked my mom if I could lick the beater. "Don't be stupid," she said, "your father's not home."
Amputees will not find this joke funny: Actually, I'm going to cut this joke short.
When I'm bored, nobody texts me. When I'm busy, BAM! I'm the most popular person in the world.
Just came back from the Zoo and saw a slice of toast in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
How do you celebrate an Ethiopian child's first birthday? By laying flowers on their grave.
So I hear there is going to be a sequel to Lawrence of Arabia It's going to be called Lawrence of Two Rabias.
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary, those who do not understand binary and those who did not expect this joke to be in ternary.
Why didn't the electron leave it's house? Because it was grounded.
Gas is so fracking expensive these days.
What do you call a black man that flies planes? A pilot, you racist.
What do you get when you cross an (italian) with a gorilla? A retarded gorilla. (Can be modified to offend any nationality or group)
what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.
"Expires 4/2013"??? What a boring-ass Snapple Fact
I'm dreading summer because I'll be subjected to my Facebook friends' pictures of the temperature readout from inside their vehicles.
Why don't black people go on cruises? they won't fall for that one again
Whats best joke aboot canada? I'm canadian and i was just wondering
ME:John's coming over for dinner. WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John? JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first brownie
Two can dine... if we 69
[1773] "Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor" *three English ladies faint* WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My Car spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of people And My Korean friend screams "Hit the Blakes" &amp; I'm like "I can't be that selective"
I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
Kenny G walks into an elevator and says "Man, this place is HAPPENING!"
Help me out, I don't know any white jokes
Blind friend and a cheese grater I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Check-writing-grocery-line lady. No-turn-signal-SUV guy. Recline-seat-into-your-lap man. They're all voting tomorrow. Let's cancel them out.
How do we know that Dumbledore was a horcrux? Because killing him after the second film wasn't good enough.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
A man goes into a butcher's shop and says "I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf." The butcher says: "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high."
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'
What is the meaning of  afford? It's the car most sales representatives drive.
Gay people, man. They're confused... ...and not thinking straight
If donald trump marries donald duck ,What will they name their child? Donald Dump
"Hey, long time. Wassup?" should be auto-corrected to "Dude. Can you do me a favor?"
I'm a pedophile Just kidding
Playing Oregon Trail. You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, "That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
Why don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up.
So the Irish are pissed... ...drunk. ... Yeah.
A man walks into a bar....... Says 'ouch'
Can someone explain to me why I agreed to go camping this weekend? I'm pretty sure tents don't have wifi and I will most likely die.
What do you call a Mexican Super Saiyan Fajita
Knew a dude who back flipped and cartwheeled while beating his wife. I guess he was a misogymnast.
god created the world in 7 days well it took 9 months to create me so clearly im a big deal
I'm going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.
I like my women like I like my coffee... microwaved for 69 seconds.
I forgot to put on deodorant today but not to worry, if this urinal cake is good enough for the bathroom then it's good enough for me.
Why will the ghost never succeed in life? He's too eeriesponsible!!!!
How is a penis and a paycheck the same? Neither one is big enough to satisfy your wife
Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
You know what I hate? 1: Typing 2: Hypocrisy 3: Lists
I guess they are calling One Direction 1D Because thats all they've got between all of them.
What do ISIS and cats have in common? They're both a bunch of pussies. Credit to Stephen Colbert.
I would tell you a pedophile joke, but it has some minor issues.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
There's nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you're home alone at 1 am...and you don't have children...
I just got back from Paris It was a blast.
An Irish man walks out of a bar.
What do Limas Sweed and Bruce Jenner have in common? Neither can keep track of their balls
How do you find a blonde girl in long grass.. Quite nice actually.
How best to save the iPhone from FBI? Crack it before they hack it.
A little girl asked her father "Daddy? Do  all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied "No there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
First Executive Order: All pornstars must now be blonde.
Why didn't Princess Diana have very many friends on Xbox Live? All she does is stay on the dashboard.
What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.
Today I was told that I sing like an amputee. Apparently I can't hold a note or carry a tune.
trained zebra no video see the benefits of training
Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.
I finally went to a therapist... ...and all that pervert did was ask me what I thought of a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach painted.
What's the best part about sex with a pregnant woman? Getting head at the same time.
I'm thinking about having an open casket funeral... Remains to be seen. :D
A man across the store just waved & said "Well aren't YOU a cutie pie?" Can't believe he was flirting with me in front of my baby like that.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket* Ok stand back "Detective, what are u doing?" What does it look like, I'm launching this investigation
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise] Lover, is that you? *Refrigerator hums loudly*
How does a Chinese family name their children? They throw 3-9 pots and pans down a flight of stairs.
If you don't swear when you're driving, you aren't paying enough attention to the road.
What do you call 2 people with identical penises? Doppelwangers
How does an accountant relieve his constipation? He works it out with a pencil
My doctor recommended that I should stab an unsuspecting coworker, or do some anger management or something.
This is your brain- *holds out egg* This is your brain on drugs- *puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Humans are bad at being basketballs.
Where do crows go to have fun? a crowbar!
Did you hear about the Vatican's new navy? It's the latest in Christian warship.
I got an invite to a wedding that said "black tie only"... But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
What does a lingerie store and a guitar store have in common? They both sell G-strings
PERSON: Want a slice? ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread P: From your diet? M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure...from my diet
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar & say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."
pedophiles are the worst but a close runner-up would be the people who don't get excited when they win stuff on the radio
A joke my father told me...
I just did all the math and it turns out that girls have tweeted "Sushi time!" on 4,362,622,021 different occasions.
What's the best thing about duct tape? It turns "No no no!" Into "Mmm mmm mmm!"
Sometimes I'm right. Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.
Why is the time in the USA behind that of England  ? Because England was discovered before the USA !
[turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
Why the word redundancy when lawyers say cease and desist? Billable vowels.
What do you call a person without a son? per
The pollen count  that's a difficult job! [Credit to Milton Jones]
My run today was like my last date. Short, slow, and frigid.
A woman got complimented for her driving...
Why do Spanish men get half price movie tickets? They take the senor discount.
Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp!
Famous Last Words List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up: Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"
Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.
Have you heard that Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber? Well, you'd blubber too if you had to eat whale meat.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Which class the The Flash hated the most while in college? Physics...
What do you call it when people want to have sex while camping? Intense intents in tents.
I just saw a "The Flash" porn parody... ...the movie lasted one second.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Why are dead baby jokes so funny? They never grow old.
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.
My sphincter is a lumberjack. He cuts logs in half.
How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira's hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?
To all of the dyslexic population of Reddit: **UNTIE**
If a buzzing insect saw the alphabet, would... a bee see?
It is said that, a way to a man's heart goes through a stomach. Aha...you might think that men go to their lovers to eat some soup.
Problem gambling? Bet you can't quit.
Why did the condom cross the road? It got pissed off.
I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my  computer on my lap and phone in hand.
Incestuous relationships often involve a aunty-climax
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells? A: Because she grew out of her B shells.
I don't know what my wife is most upset about today. The fact that she caught me having sex with her mother this morning or the fact that her mother died during her sleep last night.
Why did the ghost go into the elevator? To lift his spirits.
Driving I hate when I'm driving at a reasonable fucking speed and some asshole behind me is frantically trying to get around me. Oh you have to go put out a fire? We all have places to go buddy.
My wife and I decided not to have kids The kids are taking it pretty hard
How do Dolphins live their lives? With a porpoise.
Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? The waiter gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the tight end who went to prison? He came out a wide receiver
One of the reasons for the low number of female pilots has been found to be.. the cockpit !
I slappa da bass man... ... then he and the drummer beat the shit out of me :(
why did the chicken commit suicide? to get to the other side.
Yo moma is so fat That whenever she try's to photo bomb, she ends up being a back drop.
Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
What do you call a homosexual on roller skates? Rolaids. -courtesy of bro team pill
What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday? Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years.
How can you tell if someone loves bacon? Don't worry, they'll tell you that stupid vegan joke.
The Constitution of Japan Article 3. The advice and approval of the Cabinet shall be required for all acts of the Emperor in matters of state,and the Cabinet shall be responsible therefor.
A liar, A cheat, and a sore loser walk into a bar. The bartender says: What'll it be Mrs.Clinton?
Are you an atheist, but uncomfortable with the atheist movement? Join the atheist stillness
[restaurant] *motions for waiter* Waiter! Bill please! *Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests* Thanks Bill!
I'm not usually vengeful, but when I am it's because someone gave my kid a whistle.
BREAKING - Albert Pujols to Angels for $254M dollars prompting Kim Kardashian to announce she now likes Latinos
Why do groups of cows not like new music releases? Because they've herd it all before
What is a Honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone.
Cells multiply by dividing.
What's the difference between a feminist and a spear? A spear has a point!
How do you make a hormone? Refuse to pay her
There are 4 million battered women in the US. But I like mine plain.
The Sun's probably Asian.
*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?' Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'
What's the difference between a pizza and a prostitute? You can order one of them without mushrooms.
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin? Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
I lost sixty pounds in two seconds with diet and exercise and Photoshop!
What is Beethoven doing right now? Decomposing.
I called a dentist.. I: I would like an appointment. Dentist: Sure, what time would you like to come. I: Two thirty.
I know this gay person whose boyfriend took too much Viagra once. I hate how he's always butthurt about it.
Hi, you're through to the Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold please?
The autopsy is going to show that the elevator tried to bring Prince down. Go crazy.
How do you spot a dwarf in a drugstore? He's the smallest one
If I was a waiter & asked if the customer was done eating & they said no, I would say 'fat fuck'. Then draw a hippopotamus on their check.
There was a kidnapping in my neighborhood today... So i woke him up.
Why did the Green Giant get a new lid? Because he always spills the beans.
Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs.
A latin joke Titus: Markus, legistis pleiades? Markus: pleiades quest Titus: pleiades testes in ore tuo.
I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me I'll never find love.
Is your refrigerator running? Because if so, I might vote for it.
What's the difference between a bIack guy and a bike? A bike doesn't start singing when you put chains on it.
I saw a refrigerator call a cab once Guess he was tired of running.
Why are pirates never scared of a storm? Because they love torrents.
What did the Jewish man do when he got a dog? Posted fliers around the neighborhood that said "Not Lost Yet".
How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.
Why did the Boston Marathon runner collapse before finishing the race? (WTF?) His thighs were burning too bad.
i get ignored so much my name should be terms and conditions
What do you call the Mexican version of the NSA? Jalapeno Business...........
I just realized I can make 50 funny faces at my boss in less than 30 seconds while the elevator door closes. Anyway, got fired.
What kind of a belly button does a German car mechanic have? An Audi
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I wanted to break up, but I was a pussy... Who couldn't resist your pussy - said every man, ever. (verbatim from conversation with ex-gf today)
I asked my friend what he gave up for lent... He said Christianity.
German sausages... are the wurst.
What's the point of Jewish football? To get the quarter back.
After being away from Reddit for a day, how do you keep up with what you missed? You go to 9gag.
I started an emo salsa band We're called Hispanic at the Disco
I asked a nerd what his New Year's resolution was. He said, "1920x1080".
If contraception is birth control... ... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.
I wish 'You idiot.' was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The one-legged man couldn't understand an online tutorial. It had step-by-step instructions.
Guys Stop Telling Period Jokes They are not bloody funny.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 contracted the Ebola virus and is highly contagious.
i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so
When I draw a fish I always.... ... Draw it to scale
I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.
How do we know Adam &amp; Eve weren't black? You ever tried taking a rib from a black man?
What do you call a German who is up themselves? A deutsche-bag
Did you hear about the dyslexic marathoner who would only eat shellfish the night before races? He was crabo-loading.
Never trust Atoms They make up everything
How to make a gay man fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
If I was a cop, I would write the word 'Influence' on a bridge, and pull over anyone that drives under it.
Never kiss a Canary. You'll get churpies! (It's a Canarial disease).
I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such I was involved in very organized crime
I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
What does a nine-volt battery and a woman's asshole have in common? Eventually, you're going to put your tongue on both.
How do you tell a deaf person to shut up? "Here, hold this."
How do you make a hormone? You pay her. (This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)
Here is a typical moroccan joke. A bald guy goes to the hamam... ...he slips and slips again.
I heard you like bad boys she replied: Yeah Well, i'm not trying to impress you or anything But When Disney channel asked me to go their website with parents permission, I didn't ask my parents.
It's hard not to bring up the fact I'm vegan whenever people talk about food or a new restaurant or that their mom just died or
At least the English rugby team doesn't have a flight home of shame...
You hear about the guy who had his whole left side amputated? I hear he's all right now.
Two blondes talking to each other... One asks the other, "Which one do you think is closer, Florida or the Moon?" The other blonde says, "Well duh! You can't see Florida from here."
Say "beer can" out loud in a British accent. It sounds like you're saying "bacon" in a Jamaican accent!
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Probably photos, reflective surfaces, things of that nature.
Why do all chicken coupes have two doors? Because if they had four doors they would be sedans.
White girls spend 15% of their lives thinking about cutting bangs.
North Korea declares war.
Me: That does it! [bangs on upstairs neighbor's door] [Elephant on a pogo stick answers] Sup? Am I being too loud?
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago Since then my muggings have been much more successful.
Do you know about Bassist heaven? I've never heard of it
What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"
Jews will be celebrating Passover soon... ...to commemorate the day John Stewart was passed over for the spot on the late show.
How much Squidwards does it take to fix a lightbulb? zero, because none of them knows how to
I just pictured my life.....and there isn't room for you in the frame.
How did the German dad scold his son for eating too much frozen dessert? QUIT Haagen-Dazs ICE CREAMS!
What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor
I cant English good? I prefer to speaking to writing on paper so that my grammar isn't as tearable.
[Gameshow] Host: "You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?" Me: "With my hands." Host: "Correct!" *crowd goes nuts*
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
What did the baby computer call his dad? Data!
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other's smartphone.
My wife has the body of a woman half her age. I suppose I should call the police.
I hear they finally plugged Bristol Palin. Oh, the other BP. Ok, I'll shut up now.
I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit... & then u no how it b
What do you call a short clairvoyant person who just broke out of prison? A small medium at large.
Why do black people have big nostrils? Because air is free
Bill Clinton is working at a newsstand. A woman asks him "How can I buy the New York Times?" He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.
It's fun to smudge your lipstick and ruffle your hair before you come out of your bosses office, then give your work colleagues a wink.
I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
What country has the shittiest beaches? India.
What do doctors hope to see on Christmas Santa-Gauze! I'll see myself out...
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor?" (as told by my Irish granddad)
How do you fit 15 Jews into a car? 2 in the front,3 in the back,and the rest in the ash tray.
Batman doesn't kill. Wayne Enterprises is a defense contractor. Guy is conflicted about the wrong things.
Wife: Where are the kids? Me *turns off router* [from down the hallway] HEYYYYYYY!!!! Me: They're in their rooms.
Why do people call Donald Trump a clown? Because we used to find him funny, but now he's just shit-your-pants terrifying.
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter
Which wrestler do the Gorillas admire most? Gorilla Monsoon - he knows the ropes!
Why did the Windows OS skip from 8 to 10? Because seven, eight, nine.
Dyslexics are teople poo
Why did the aligator spit out his lunch? Because it was two years old
I just saw a woman fall in the street so I asked if she wanted help or sex because I don't know her or her hierarchy of needs.
Mobius strippers... never show their backside.
We built this city on rock n roll, bits of hair, couple of pieces of carpet we found. It's a horrible place to live honestly.
There's no way I'm the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world's best Garfield impression.
Jokes What do pigs read
What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? A pizza can feed a family of four.
What kind of animal has an asshole directly in the middle off its back? A police horse
Nobody should regret anything that made them smile.
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 14 years straight.
A logician just had a baby Her friends ask her: "A boy or a girl?" She replies: "Yes"
Why did the console cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side
Why did the chicken cross the road? He knew he'd be remembered for it.
Strictly between you and me and whatever agency these hummingbirds are reporting to, my paranoia is getting worse.
I spent the last hour repeatedly pressing F5 It's pretty refreshing.
I got beat up at a black lives matter rally for complaining about my underwear These knickers where just making me so uncomfortable
I'm tired of making fun of Mariah Carey It's so 2016
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears. You lift one up and shout "Where are you from?"
Why was the Amish girl shunned? Too Mennonite.
I heard apple was going straight to the iPhone 7 I guess it won't be very 6s-ful
What do you call an ex-Muslim? A Waslim
It's called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you're drunk.
The baby changing station in this Chili's bathroom is broken I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
What's green, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
My boss told me not to bring my lunch to work in a brown paper bag. I told him that I'll drink my lunch how I want.
How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can.
Life is like a penis. Sometimes it's hard.
What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses? Nothing he didn't recognize them!
Two condoms are walking down the street... ... and they pass a gay bar. The one condom turns to the other and says "hey, wanna get shitfaced?"
I asked my mum what she had bought me for my birthday? She said, "I've bought you an Apple Mac." Most people would be over the moon with hearing this, I'm not 'cause... My name is Mac.
What US city has the dirtiest waffles? San Diego
Bad news... Apparently "bouncing baby boy" is just an idiom.
What did the daddy salt say to his son? "Stop cracking your NaCles."
I just saw a lit up 'Noel' x-mas decoration on top of a house and noticed the 'L' was missing, so I thought to myself, 'look, there's no L.'
What do you see when the pillsbury doughboy bends over? Doughnuts
Why can't you bring an Indian to a fancy restaurant? Because they get the Buddha in the Gouda! ;D
I've never dated a South African girl who I've disliked. Every time I meet one, we click almost immediately.
A Mexican and black person are in a car, who is driving? The cop
What's the ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? Eskimo pi.
What's the difference between six dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke.
Whats a pirate's favorite letter? "You'd think it would be R but its actually the c!" Aye matey
Do u know whats A B C D E F G? A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl Now reverse da order, can u guess the full form of: G F E D C B A ? Girls Forgets Everything Done &amp; Catches(new) Boy Again.
GF: I think I'm gunna start a Twitter account Me: *whips head around* I'll help you set it up! *Grabs GF's phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Why should we all worship Jesus? Because he makes a bloody good wine.
I climbed a mountain yesterday Things were looking up until I got to the summit. It was all downhill from there.
What's the difference between a seal and sea lion? One electron
What's the Hitler Youth's favorite weather? Heil
I lost my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80's with a slight handicap.
A girlfriend is like a good joke. If I told you I had one, you'd probably laugh.
What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes? Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.
*buying a dog* Is this a good dog? "Oh yeah, very good dog." Do any tricks? "No, I'm clean, selling dogs now."
The in-flight movie is about to start. The flight attendant says, "Excuse me, would you like some headphones?" "Well sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?"
Yo mama in a wheelchair and says "You  ain't gonna puch me 'round no more."
What does a Gorilla learn first in school? The Apey-cees!
Did you hear how the deaf electrician asked his friend to repeat what he said? Watt?
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Opportunity. Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!"
My wacky Lutheran parents think my fiance is methane based because they don't belive in carbon dating.
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback!!
I was this close to having a threesome last night... Just needed two more people.
I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn't put it down.
What's the difference between an African kid and an orange? Approximately 3 grams.
Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead
A recent study says 1 in 3 people will be injured during sex this year. The rest are just doing it wrong.
I like my cars how I like my women Asian and dirty.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn't have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. I also don't want to be cremated.
How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being.
Everyone has these expansive bucket lists Mine is a little pail in comparison
Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold it one to hammer it in.
I asked my wife for breakfast in bed... She told me to sleep in the kitchen.
I used to miss Mitch Hedburg I still do... But I used to, too. RIP
Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs I stole this joke from somewhere...
How do you make a cat go woof? You pour some gasoline and toss a match and WOOF!
What do you call a rich Asian? *Cha Ching!*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain. Somebody had ripped the appendix out.
The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin? Detroit
What's the difference between Obama supporters and Romney supporters? Romney supporters sign their checks on the front. Obama supporters sign their checks on the back.
What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. sorry.
What do you get when you're bitten by a mosquito wearing a fedora? M'laria
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying "me too" after she told me she had a boyfriend
How do you get a grad student off your porch? You pay them for the pizza.
In light of all the LGBT groups participating in St Patrick's Day..... I'm going to open a new Irish themed gay bar. It will be called *Sodom and Begorrah*
I haven't talked to my girlfriend for the last couple days because of my addiction to this new game. I think The Division is really starting to get to her.
The kid who would burn his marshmallow to a blackened crisp and say "this is how I like it!" is in prison now
"I live my life .402 kilometers at a time, chap" - Fast and Furious 7: Now We're British
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I'll let u go free ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
2 men walked into a bar The third one ducked
I wrote a book on DIY. It comes with a free pen.
Caitlyn Jenner, Republican So it turns out Caitlyn Jenner is a Republican! A member of the very party that discriminates against people like her! Can you believe the balls on that woman???
A book fell on my head a moment ago... I can only blame my shelf.
Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?
What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.
TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.
I was doing a crossword and asked my Jamaican friend for help I asked him, "Hey, what's a 10 letter word for colossal or huge?" He said, "Monumental!" I replied, "No, I'm not."
What did they find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise? The Captain's Log.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
If your name is Ray and you're a racist it's not gonna take us long to give you a nickname.
Why do all Egyptian's farts smell the same? Because they have a tutankhamun!
If you crossed King Kong and a bell what  would you have? A ding-dong King Kong.
A man and a small child walk into a deep dark forest. "Dad," the child says "I'm scared." "You're scared?" the man scoffs. "I've got to walk back this way on my own"
I can't STAND Shigesato Itoi... that Mother fucker.
My Virgin friend just got 4 girl's numbers today. I've never been so proud I guess you could say his group project is getting serious
I want to make a special present for my dad's birthday. How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha? He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy TIMMY: I'm scared to look. TEACHER: Don't worry. It's all B's lol *opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella? Fodrizzle
The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had.
Did you know in the state of Kentucky, if you divorce your wife.... She just becomes your cousin
Reddit is like a fridge... You know there's nothing new inside, but you check it out every ten minutes.
There's only one thing I hate more than outdated references and racism... ....The "I have a Dream" speech.
What's the only thing that doesn't make Hilary suck? Bill
In the 50's the pot called the kettle a different word.
I asked one of my friends how his sex life is going. His response: "I'm holding my own".
"I literally died." - white girls in heaven.
What's the difference between Jews and Boy Scouts? Boy Scouts come back from camp.
My friend went swimming in Egypt recently... I said to him 'you do realize your swimming in one of the longest rivers in the world!'. He didn't believe me though, he's in de nile.
I don't really care who came first, the chicken or the egg. I'm just glad somebody decided both could be broken and fried.
Me: We should go to the gym more often. Him: I hate it there. It's like a meat market. And I'm the expired meat.
Why did the creator of 9gag call it that? Because that was how many dicks he could fit in his mouth before he gagged.
My friend asked me how long I'v been married. I told him 15 years, but with the wind chill it feels like 30
I just saw a can of ginger ale that wasn't on an airplane and it looked really uncomfortable.
Why did Siegfried and Roy close their bakery? A batch of Tiger bread turned on them.
What can we take away from the first 20 seconds of the new Suicide Squad trailer It's Zack Snyders wet dream...
How do tiny Mexicans cut their pizza? Little Ceasars
I like my women like I like my viruses. Safely contained on my laptop.
The speech Trump gave was inspiring... But it sounded better with the original german wording.
Why there should be a February 30th So dentists can have a day to celebrate
Womb is pronounced 'woom' and tomb as 'toom' So the fact that bomb is pronounced 'bawm' makes my head go fucking *boom*.
What is the difference between a prison guard and a member of Congress One interacts with felons, half of which are probably innocent of crimes, and the other works on Capitol Hill.
My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I signed up on Match.com... They set me up with a couch and a bottle of hand lotion... ...on the bright side it was my 1st 3-way.
I built a house for a horse today but he said he wouldn't live in it as it didn't look stable enough.
Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 
For the last time... I'm not depressed. This is just how I eat.
Some days, I just like to live wild and dangerous... These are the days I say to a woman, "calm. the. fcuk. down."
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes!
Why don't you invite a Comcast worker to your party? Because nobody likes his company!
I created a Harry Potter thread in ask reddit. I wanted Sirius replies only.
Why did Mozart kill his chicken? It kept saying "BACH BACH BACH" Why did Mozart kill his other chicken? To impress his Wolf-gang.
I crashed my family's car I've always wanted to see how a Mercedes-Benz.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing...
Midnight Mass is my codename for the weight gain induced by eating three dozen cookies.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns. I'm her hero, although I don't have much dough. I can't wheat to see her! I'm in loaf.
I don't let my kids go online. There's too many PDF files on there!
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The Dress Joke "Did you hear about that blue and black dress?" "No, what about it?" "Turns out it was white and gold." "Oh thaaat one."
iPhone 6 for $900 or a ski mask for $1.99.. Your choice
I like dig bick. you that read wrong. you read that wrong too.
If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone's bicycle.
I was going down on a quadriplegic.... When all of a sudden I tasted horse cum and thought, "oh Grandma.... so THAT'S how you died."
If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
What does anal sex and a serving of brussel sprouts have in common? If you were forced to like it as a child, you probably don't like it as an adult.
Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.
I have a friend named Dick... He's mentally richarded.
[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
1) Put index and thumb together. 2) Place them where nose meets forehead. 3) Close eyes. 4) Sigh. 5) Check to see if person still talking.
What did the atom say when it lost an electron? I better keep an ion that.
My car is supposed to have self-inflating tires. I don't believe it though. I think they just talk a big game.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My friend asked me what a Freudian Slip means. I told him, "It's when you mean to say one thing, but fuck your mother."
This day is medieval... Because it's a dragon.
You hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering whether or not there was a Dog.
R.I.P boiled water. . . You will be mist.
A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar. The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious. The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there." The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe"
Your Mother.. Your mother is so classless she could be marxist utopia.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus You only need one nail for the picture
What type of condom does Spock use? Vulcanized rubber!
What do you call a deer with no eyes ? No idea :)
I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.
Gonna open a karaoke place where each song is 90 seconds max. Most are 25 seconds. Just the chorus one time, then onto the next song.
What do you call a police officer that stays in bed all day underneath the blankets? An undercover cop!
What is a pirate's favorite letter? (is it "R"?) NAAAAAY!!! 'Tis the C
I'm not fat! My DNA's just bold font.
Pakistan army will never try to win the war against India, someone told them winner has to speak English on live television.
Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says "Ya want a box for them?" "I was willing to pay" I said "but I guess we can fight for em"
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children's Home...so I gave him my kids.
What did the saggy boob also say to the other? "Hey, let's hang out together?"
What do you call a black man visiting a zoo? a family reunion
What do Monica Lewinsky and a soda machine have in common? They both say insert Bill here
The big news story tonight is about the balls being too small . . . At the state of the Union address!
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
What did the Mexican Firefighter name his two children? Jose and Hose B
Wish there was a way to take all of these people commenting on the internet and make them useful.
My wedding will be open casket.
A WWII Joke! What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks* "Not for long my friend. Not for long."
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black? Ever try and take a rib from a black.
There's just 1 thing u can count on: fingers. And calculators. 2 things. Oh abacuses. Three. Jeez Im gonna need to make a list. Lists. Four.
Needles What are dull needles good for? Nothing, they're pointless.
What do you call a midnight run to get ecstasy? A nocturnal E-mission!!! I came up with this a few years ago and thought I should share with the masses:)
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say "I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth!"
Why are black people so tall? Their knee grows
What is a pedophile's favorite part of Christmas? Stalking stuffers.
My parents always told me my grandpa was a magician. I never believed them until I saw him walking down the street when he turned into a bar!
How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist? A sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
That Mona Lisa... She's no oil painting, is she?
[stuck on an island] message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we'll send help
The only reason millienials want to see Trump become president.. Because we've never seen a president assassinated before.
Monsters, Inc. 3: It's harder to make kids laugh The Internet has made them jaded The monster need help They teach the kids to smoke pot
How do hipsters talk about shoes? [...](http://imgur.com/yzelyVT)
Want to Hulu and chill? There's like 90 seconds of ads so you won't miss any of the show.
How do you come out of a closet like a true redditor? You get confused.
What's green and empty? Orville's arsehole
she had the eyes of an angel, the squawk of a bird, the wingspan of an albatross, the beak of an albatross i think this girl is an albatross
What do you tell a women with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.
Campus bookstore robbed The Campus bookstore was just robbed of $25000. The criminal was seen taking a sweatshirt and 4 textbooks
What do you call a black and white bra? Zebra
"So how was your date?" I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much "That wasn't a good idea" Yeah well, hindsight is 1
What did Pink Floyd say to Jerry Sandusky? Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!
Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*
One day I hope to be rich enough where I don't feel compelled to refill my fountain soda before I leave a fast food establishment.
Two eggs and a piece of bacon walk into a bar The bartender asks them to leave. They all ask why. Bartender says, "We don't serve breakfast here."
I was going to look for my missing watch. but I could never find the time.
I went to a zoo the other day and all they had there was a dog in a cage... it was a shih tzu
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don't eat it. #FathersDay
Teacher -What does COINCIDENCE' mean? Student  Funny, I was just going to ask you that.
What's the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles" because there is a mile between each S!
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
So I was talking to the devil, and I asked him about his job... He told me "It's soul crushing and I love it."
I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell "schadenfreude", and I couldn't. But he's dead now and I'm not, so I win.
are you a broken air freshener Because you aren't making any scents
what do you call a scared Mexican? "What do you call a scared Mexican?" "Pedro-fied"
Yo mamma is so fat her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it's daylight.
Do deaf people have a right to a fair hearing?
Her: Show me your pics Me: Ok *blackberry restarts* *waiting* *gets married* *have kids* Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting *dies*
Hi Mrs. Smith ... can Johnny come out and play baseball with us? Oh you mean little boy ... you know Johnny is a quadraplegic ! Yes I know Mrs. Smith. We want to use him for home plate !
If you're in a plane above LA... What happens if you are in a plane above Los Angeles, and when you look out the window there are no clouds beneath you? U C L A
You know, it occurs to me that my ceiling fan is inherently indecisive... Any time I ask it a question, it only ever responds with "HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"
Let's simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.
What was Lenin's favourite film? Tsar Wars episode III: Revenge of the scythe.
I learned how to yodel -Knock knock. --Who's there? -Yoda lady. --Yoda lady who? -Good job yodeling!
Received a call from a recruitment consultant.  She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!" I replied : Yes. I know .There was a long silence and then she hung up.
Describe Windows 10 with two words. Vista 2.0
I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?
What's the difference between PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to 'Toys For Tots' before you're eligible for an Xbox?
What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float? You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.
The most disturbing thing about fossil fuels is when Larry King pisses into his gas tank and drives off.
Pigs What is s pig's least favorite game
*turns on shower* *shower whispers "eat donuts for breakfast" & "get drunk tonight"* Me: Wow, that's some serious water pressure
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society. (All black people, take a jab - i'm jewish and not racist!)
The three of us have never been so insulted. My little brother told me "YOUR mom is also MY mom!"
The greatest joke in the world. My Life.
Doctor Doctor my son has swallowed my pen what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
If you had to choose between your SO and 1 millions dollars... What is the first thing you would buy?
How do you find a dead body? Download Pokemon GO.
After i say "whatever", all the sh*t you say after that is irrelevant
What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew? Only one makes it back from camp.
"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?" 384 my liege "Ok, round them up" 400 my liege
If porn is so bad... why are there so many nuns in it?
I'm like a reverse MacGyver. I can take a perfectly working item, step on it drunk, then turn it into dozens of unusable, meaningless parts.
How do you make a dog meow? Freeze it and run it through a bandsaw... MEEEOOOW!
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner it's usually about 90 degrees.
I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Why is it called PMS? Because mad cow disease was taken.
What's the most logical country? AND OR a
I spent 96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein. It was the grater of two evils.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew ME: [I don't hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
picture a bunch of dogs at a bar getting drunk off of a beer called air bud light
Q. What do you call two line dancers doing the dance Shoot the Rooster? A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)
How do you contact a cross dresser? Shemail
What did Ryan Lochte name his Gold medal? GoldiLochtes
If you're ever cold, just stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees.
A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for a research on 'effects of Marijuana on cattle'. The steaks were high.
*hit man puts on silencer* *shoots gun* Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS Wth? *looks at case* Oh I brought the awkward silencer
An economist was given the choice between participating in a marathon and just a quick race. He preferred the long run over the short run.
Which letter of the alphabet is the laziest? letter G (lethargy)
The advert said, "Just two pounds a week can help reduce the problem of domestic violence in the UK." I suppose I could cut down, and only pound the wife twice a week.
Let's face it, it's not the first time Germany's sent a bunch of blokes to the showers in tears.
"If you work hard, you can break barriers." - Kim Kardashian West (genuine quote)
Astronauts favorite hangout The space bar
In honor of today's date (May the 4th be with you) I came up with a Star Wars joke Did you hear about the new Jedi beer? It's Force Ale.
Sally Why did Sally fall off the swing? Sally has no arms. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally.
I am a cannibal with a new boyfriend. His name is Pablo I'm going to make a dessert from part of his brain I shall call it Pabloba
What kid of music do old people listen to? Hip-Pop
every time you say the word "turnt" a baby gets run over by a smart car
I wonder if the views of a color blind person depend on the circumstances of the scenario Or if they just see the world in black and white.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*wins oscar I'd like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Did you hear about the injured Carpenter? He hurt his widdle finger.
What's the worst thing about owning a dildo farm? Squatters.
I honestly can't believe they've been together for 20 years. who? Deez nuts GOTEEEEEE I'm actually 45.... GOTEEEEEE
On Pedophile Opposite Day they go to army bases to have sex with Majors.
I like my wine like I like my girls... Eight to ten years old, and kept in my cellar.
I am so bad at self-deprecation
Have you heard the joke about the roof? No? Well, I guess it went over your head! I'll kill myself now.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
There are two types of people in this world. People who pee in the shower and people who lie about it.
What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys? PGA Tour.
My ex-wife's a whore! I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be so mean about my ex-wife. I love my ex-wife. The problem is; is that for twenty five bucks everybody else could too!
Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "i'll have some H20". The second says, "sounds good, I'll have some H20 too" The second man [died](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide).
What's the difference between a stoner and a Jew? A stoner gets baked on purpose
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
How does raw chicken taste? Fowl
The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose... I work in a hammer factory.
My neighbors have really overgrown trees in their yard and keep their curtains down all the time I think that's pretty shady
what is a vegetable's favorite singer? elvis parsley what is a fly's favorite singer? gnat king cole
Why aren't hippies good pitchers? Because they're always high and outside.
Big explosion down at the Cheese factory today... I guess it completely leveled the place, All that was left was Da Brie.
Went to the zoo today. There was only one animal. It was a "shitzu."
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? Garbanzo beans were never the subject of bad puns.
What type of overalls did Mario wear? Denim denim denim
TIFU (NSFW?) TIFU by getting my face tattooed on my dick so when I send dick pics my face is in all of them.
This is your brain. *holds up a brain* And this is your brain on drugs. *holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli.
to all the people in Australia o
Do you know anything about antiques? Cause I found a tampon in my backyard and I wanted to know what period it was from.
In light of the holiday Season... What do you call the alphabet with only 25 letters? Noe(L) ...no L.... im going to walk away now.. sorry
Whats the leading cause of pedophilia? sexy kids
A lot of people think your quarter life crisis starts at 25 but actually your whole life can be a crisis.
Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site ...until the mods wake up.
Girl, we can play zoo..and you can tame my monkey
I used to be a cleptomaniac but now that I took some medicine I feel much better
I have a chest cold, or, as they used to call it in the 17th Century, four days to live.
I was sitting there... A lady walked into the bar I asked her "Did it hurt?"
Where did Putin tell the protesters where to meet? Crimea River
I used to know a friend who got sent to a mental hospital because he thought he was an orange. Poor Terry...... He got sectioned.
Can I just get a degree based on how many song lyrics I know?
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Her eyes were the color of paint
Top Five Creepy Things: 5) Dark and stormy nights 4) Spiders 3) Cars with eyelashes 2) Decaf drinkers 1) People who take one bite of cake
My wife asked me for a double-entendre.... .....so I gave her one.
The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement won't be able to sleep for a very long time.
How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, you fucking racist!
George Clooney goes through life knowing no one has ever hit 'Ignore' in the history of 'George Clooney' appearing on Caller IDs
[OC] What type of music do Irish people listen to? Pubstep
"I hate when I can't think of the right word," she protesticulated.
What did the naturalist say when he saw a number of rocks covered in moss? "I'm lichen what I see"
I have an Asian cat. Her name is Mi Yao.
An old man told me this old joke: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish store? "Hello, ladies"
Gay jokes aren't funny... ...cum on guys
If a pilot can't get it up during takeoff Is it called projectile dysfunction?
What is it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.
Someone on my FB posted a snap that said "I'm boared" And I'm just like....... *don't comment *don't comment *don't comment *don't comment
Why is the sea salty? Because when it waves, you never wave back!
Two guys walk into a bar... you would think the second guy would duck.
What did the German say when the Spaniard asked him for some cheese? Mi Kase es su Kase.
A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window. The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks. The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces. The windows phone freezes mid decent.
Accidentally walked into the men's room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend? "Pasta la vista, baby."
GOD: That's the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones ANGEL: Will do GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Why won't men perform oral on women the morning after sex? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
When I was born god asked me if I wanted a good memory or a huge wiener. I can't remember what I picked...
*looks east* ah, the atlantic ocean *looks west* ah, the pacific ocean *sees a bunch of idiots raving about mediocre r&b* ah,the Frank Ocean
What happened when Grandpa went to the strip club? He had a stroke.
I've got a joke. The U.S. election system.
If I were a woman, I'd probably say things like "gotta go polish the petunia" and then back my car into a mailbox.
Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself, that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.
Who's the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Blanche ! Blanche who ? Blanche not !
Its World Malaria Day on 25th April. But what do you get the mosquito that has everything?
Girls heres how to tell if a guy wants you for sex    1) He does
Finally successful enough to have "haters", still not successful enough to be successful
What did the Mexican say to the Italian? Que pasta?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off. Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.
If two vegans fight is it still considered beef? Sorry for the unoriginal joke, have an invisible flying potato.
What's 12" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry? A dead baby.
I don't know what the thickness limit on the office laminator is, but I'm sure as fuck not stopping until I have a waterproof cat.
A man is flying on a plane Lady Flight attendant: hello, would you like some headphones? Man: yeah I would, but how did you know my name was phones?
I have friends. By that I mean I have pictures of me standing next to people on Facebook.
I just flew into town and boy are my arms tired! Get it? Because, I've been jerking off on the plane...
Whats long and black? The unemployment line
There are 11 types of people in this world... those who know unary and those who don't have fingers. :)
Why did the guy that owned a chocolate building bang his mom? Because he had an edible complex.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
"WHOM WHOM WHOM"-owl that never gets invited to parties
What's the opposite of critical thinking? Critical theory.
Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
I should sell this house, the rooms spin when I drink vodka.
I have this weird fungal infection on my leg. I need to get rid of it, but it's kind of growing on me. (Sorry if repost, came up with it in science class today.)
The Steel Band by Lydia Dustbin
Where did the gay Wizard go? He disappeared with a poof.
What did the square of cloth identify as on tumblr? Nap-kin
Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons? Because it wanted autumnomy
Getting carried away is usually fun, unless it's by a truck.
An Atheist and a Christian walk into a bar... ...they proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each others company because they're not pretentious assholes
Communist alternative of "grab 'em by the pussy" would be... ..."seize the means of reproduction."
May the f... ...orce be equal to mass times acceleration.
Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It may take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night.
How do you make a dog meow? Put him in a wood chipper and listen to him go "meeeooowwww"
Jesus sits down at the Last Supper with his disciples. He rises and addresses them: "I'm the son of God." "No way!" they say. "Yahweh."
If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I'd be incredibly broke.
Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.
[Chased by cops on foot] *Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor* *Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling's eyes* *Makes clean getaway*
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba dum tchhhh.
Guys, if a girl just wants to "be friends," then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a "friend" would.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.
Cheers to the freakin weekend *lays in bed for 2 days straight*
Whenever I'm depressed, I go to the roof at night, watch the view, reminisce, look at the stars and be touched by the lord.... ..the land lord..
What do you call a female redneck who is faster than her brothers? A virgin
"Long story short" makes your story three words longer.
I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in steam.
Hippy walks into a bar The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve free spirits"
Best technique for screwing a fattie... Flip through her rolls until you smell shit, then just flip back one.
The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.
But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it...
We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.
"No more Mr Nice Guy" ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy
How many feminists does it take screw in a lightbulb? One she holds it in the socket and waited for the world to revolve around her.
What's the difference between a good joke and A bad joke timing
In bed my wife calls my Jimmy John's. I cum freaky fast.
What do you call stuffing an orifice with chilies? Jalapenetration.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot you racist asshole
Haven't seen any Harambe memes for a while, I suppose this means Harambe is dead..
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Oh, Ed! They should come up with something like Uber, but with horseback riding... Maybe call it Wilbur?
What would happen if the Earth was a Cube? We'd all be cubans. ^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry
What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk? A star-spangled banner
Q-How did the gay guy feel when he went shopping? A= Like a **girl**. *Lol*
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get out of North Korea's missile range.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Nick Saban walks into a bar... to watch the College Football Championship
"Have you tried putting balogna in it?" ~me, as a marriage counselor
What did the vegatable say to the fruit? Turnip
Two silkworms had a race... I heard they ended in a tie.
I have a bunch of sheep puns....... But they're, pretty Baa^aaaaa^aaaaa^aad.
Cap: good morning Avengers let's begin Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
my favorite part about magazine interviews with actors are the 3 first paragraphs describing how they entered the hotel and sat down
What did the politician with a cold talk about at his meeting? The important tissues. (I know it sucks, I just made it up)
why does Wally wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
What were Luke Skywalker's favourite model cars to play with as a kid? Toyodas
What's the difference between a slice of toast and an Iraqi..? You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast
A chicken walks into a bar He said "I think I am in the wrong joke..." Meanwhile, a scientist crosses the road.
What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older?  Wizard: With luck yes. Witch:
Why is my algebra textbook so sad? It has a lot of problems.
My Pope joke effort Tried to buy some of the second hand stuff the Pope's selling on Vatican eBay but the payment service is down. Fucking Papal.
A woman is on trial For beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says,'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'''
Why are redneck crimes so hard to solve... Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records. . . . . Not original, I heard it on satellite radio yesterday.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Did you hear the story about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove.
Kissing 101: 1. Open your mouth 2. Wider, that's it. 3. Stick out your tongue 4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn't run away.
In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.
I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
What sound does a Chinese doorbell make? Ching Chong
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Guess I should've left.."Guest appearance on Cops" off my resume
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you.
I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew. So I keep the curtains closed.
What do you call..... What do you call dead black people in a barn? Antique farm equipment!
watched the interview about back to future with the cast Michel J. Fox was shaking he was so excited
If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense. The German side says "Build a wall!" The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"
Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.
What do you call a painter with a brown finger? Picasso
How do you keep a programmer in the shower  all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather rinse repeat."
Two deer at a gay bar Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
Just sold my glove puppet collection. A collector called round and offered me 150 to take them off my hands.
What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
Old people at weddings poke me and say "Your next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Did you here they opened a pasta joint in hell? They call it Dante's Alfredo!
Two bucks are squaring off in a field in the middle of hunting season. One says "Let's do this, I'm game!"
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I'm getting pretty worried, my girlfriend hasn't gotten her period yet. And she's already 14.
I would pay double my Netflix subscription if Stranger Things Season 2 brought back Barb from a parallel universe who then confesses her love for Nancy. You? What would you do for a clone dyke Barb?
What did the sweet potato say to the Israelites. "I am but a Yam"
I would tell you a joke about pizza... ...but it would be too goddamn cheesey.
How does a pedophile have a threesome without getting caught? By having sex with a pregnant woman.
What goes in dry, but comes out hard and wet? A Teabag.
Women would save a lot of money on beauty products if they ever realized they have a vagina.
TIFU by not posting in the correct subreddit.
How many Apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one... but it takes a shitload of light bulbs.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts to smoke? Slow the pace and apply more lube!
My favorite knock knock joke. Knock Knock! Who's there? To. To Who? To *Whom.*
Recursion What does the "B" Stand for in "Benoit B. Mandelbrot"? Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? The Blacks get car insurance.
Dentist: Ok, I'm going to start drilling. "Wait! What if I have to poop?" D: Then you should go now. *awkward pause* "Thanks I feel better."
When you're craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed....and also fictional.
Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom I saw her driving license. she has an F in sex
How to be a good person: 1. Listen to everything they say on Fox News. 2. Do the exact opposite.
It's not that I think I'm out of your league. Its more that I'm not even sure we're playing the same sport.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. They are very efficient and don't have much of a sense of humor.
"My pleasure, doll" "My pleasure doll" Commas can make a world of difference...
How do you get gum out of your hair? Q: How do you get gum out of your hair? A: Cancer.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball? They don't know where home is.
This one needs your full participation! Say it out loud. Say the word "silk" 3 times Now, what do cows drink?
What does /r/jokes and the iPhone vs FBI case have? Both just got hacked
What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? Nothing, she has already been told twice.
What did the math book say to the literature book? You're so full of great stories, I'm just filled with problems
[creating the armadillo] GOD: I want a half turtle, ANGEL: Okay G: Half pig, A: Okay, I'm on it- G: Half anteater A: ...Are u drunk G: Very
What is the definition of a goose ? An animal that grows down as it grows up !
Why do buzzards prefer to fly? Because they really like their carry-on..... yeah total dad joke, i know.
Why was Hitler better than Jesus (offensive)? Belated Hitler birthday joke! Jesus may have fed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread and fish, but Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon? Put a sock in it.
me: I know it's over, but can I have one last hug? Please? Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?
Can bees fly in the rain ? Not without their little yellow jackets !
Sexism Hurts Everyone I mean, I'm a sexist, and I can't get a girlfriend, so who the fuck is going to do my laundry?
Some people have 32 teeth, others have 10. It's simple meth.
I'm Canadian so if I ever apologize to you, know that it was a reflex and not sincere.
An atheist, a crossfitter, a vegan and a vaper all walk into a bar I know because they all let me know 12 times in our 3 minute conversation
What do you call am alligator in a vest? An illogical situation imagined by a child.
People who try to stop you on the street to sell stuff are the real world equivalent of online pop-ups.
"hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?" "hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot" *cops bust down door*
Glad to live in a time where being social doesn't require making eye contact.
So I am not signing up for my company's 401K... There is no way I could ever run that far.
Cows What do you call a cow on no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow on three legs? Tri-Tip. What do you call a cow on two legs? Your mom.
What do you call a potato with one oar? A row-tater.
All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson
I almost did this stupid thing at work where I think for myself.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Princess Leia Barbie ...Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars
If a tree falls on a woman, does she make a sound? The real question you have to ask yourself, is what was that tree we doing in the kitchen.
What does a half-dressed Sikh wear on his head? A subturban!
Why do we feel like whistleblowers right now? Because we're Snowedin.
I'm the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says "Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?"
Why can't T-Rex's High Five? Because they're all dead
I just lost all my Pokemon cards in a house fire. I only have Ash now.
What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall? Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)
My sister said she had strange cravings and an enhanced sense of smell so she must be pregnant, but I secretly thought, "werewolf."
What is something that is invisible and lying on the floor? [RACISM ALERT!] A black man that has gotten the shit kicked out of him.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Barbie Brain in a Jar ...an empty jar
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.
Phones - they bring you closer to the people that... ... also have phones.
If you turn pineapple upside down cake right side up, it's just cake.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
The raw footage of SPACE JAM is mostly just Michael Jordan running around and talking to no one in an empty gym.
Hey chubby dudes rockin' tight polo shirts. Nope.
Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football team? So that Minnesota does not get jealous.
Paris Hilton should make another sex tape with two black guys and call it [Niggas in Paris](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfM_wS7qYfY)
When Peter Rabbit was working as a porn star, whom did his contract require to be on the set? Fluffer Bunny.
You guys have no idea how much pressure there is to be funny, for free, with absolutely no obligation, on the Internet all  the damn time.
My dogs wouldn't pee this morning They didn't do squat
I asked my Indian father for a PS3 He said "No beta, it's pronounced PH.D."
If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.
Did you hear about the kidnapping recently? The goatherd woke him up.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I dropped my phone in my porridge this morning, It took a while to sink in.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.
A priest and a rabi are on a walk together when the pass a schoolyard with children playing in it. The priest says, "Should we fuck them?" The rabi says "Out of what?"
Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security... Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!
don't always talk on the phone. But when I do, I walk around like an idiot and touch everything in sight.
Whats the difference between a retard and a woman? The retard doesn't need to be buggered to think he's special.
Pedophile pulls up next to a kid and says "Hey little boy, come in my car and I'll give you a lollie" kid says ... "Give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth"
My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year But when I opened it every single page was blank. I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.
What do you call a clock tower somebody lives in? A timely manor.
What do Africans eat for lunch? Ebola soup
What's the word that starts with 'n', ends with 'r', and you wouldn't ever want to call a black guy? Neighbor
I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.
Let's make it weird. Dont worry. I'll start.
What did the soccer player shout to the baker who's cakes kept sticking to the tin? "LINE IT!"
50 cent files for bankruptcy He only had 50 cent
What is orange and sounds like a parrot ? A carrot
Sometimes i ponder In what position was i concieved?
Which tornadoes are the most refreshing? F5 tornadoes.
I became a victim of my own crime, I just sat on a toilet seat after I left the lid up
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Where do suicide bombers go where they die? Everywhere.
Here's a long joke.. Trumps candidacy
[job interview] What are your strengths? Me: inventing special occasions. Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
The couple from Little People Big World got a divorce. I guess you could say it was a short marriage.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None... It should be opened when she brings it to you.
COP: Freeze!!! EXCEL: LOL no problem
Accidentally walked into the women's bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
A survey recently revealed that 50% of people shit in the shower, do you know what the other 50% do? I didn't think so you filthy twat!
Q: How do you know when there's a elephant under your bed? A: Your nose is pressed against the ceiling.
Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations. "Our son is covered in pentagrams!" Well maybe he's just allergic to dairy.
A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He asks the bartender how much it costs, to which the bartender replies "For you my friend, no charge".
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb? None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I'm so sick of gravity! It's really brining me down.
Why do women talk so much? Because they have 4 lips.
VIRGIN GALACTIC THE SURVIVING PILOT OF THE VIRGIN GALACTIC PLANE SAID THAT THE CO PILOTS LAST WORDS WERE,'WHATS THIS BUTTON FOR?
The year is 2065. Every adjective once used to describe another person is now deemed offensive. Noone's left their homes in years.
What's the difference between a camel and a Russian? A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.
How do you catch an Elephant? Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and line the outside with peas. So when the Elephant comes to take a pea, you can kick him in the ash hole.
One liner I'd go gay but the taste of semen makes me gag.
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
Anita Sarkeesian The Armenian genocide was funny as fuck and I laughed a lot.
It's so cold out, that I don't know who's just wrapping up warm and who's a ninja.
My friends ask me why I play soccer even though I'm not very good at it. just for kicks
I went to a Mechanic when my car started making these awful noises but it just turned out to be Nickelback playing on the radio.
Called to my managers office today He said "you can't wear pyjamas to work you idiot!" I replied " everyone else does though" He replied "THEIR PATIENTS"
It's hard dating with OCD... ...every time my girlfriend gets turned on, I have to turn her off again.
They finally replaced the old clock It's about time.
Theres an egg on yor head... Only yoking.
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.
*im watching a babe on a trampoline when her boob pops out* "whoah" *her other boob pops out* "WHOAH" *a third boobs pops out* "WHOOOAAHHHH"
What did the cannibal make of the politician he just met? Pork and bologne sammiches.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice
I saw a black man carrying a T.V. today I though that it looked like mine, but when I got home he was still shining my shoes
doctor: "how much exercise do you do per week?" me: "um.. does sex count? doctor: "yes" me: "absolutely none"
This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks. I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.
I shot my first turkey today! Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section though.
What's the difference between a black man and Batman? Batman can go inside a store without Robin
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you'd be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Q: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face...
A ghost walks into a bar "Sorry sir" the barmen says, "We don't serve spirits after eleven"
Click for the joke The joke
Honk if you hate noise pollution
I think the funnest part of a prostate exam is when I fake an orgasm.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, "This is why we don't talk to strangers on the internet."
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn't find a pair anywhere.
my girlfriend's family is quite religious. i remember first time we stayed at her parents's house. but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. which is a shame because he is so attractive.
What is the temperature of a ton-ton? Luke warm
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[stands up in church] Okay I'm starting to think some of this stuff isn't true you guys.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just beat the walls because they are black
When I was a little kid, I would wait up all night waiting for santa to come. Then there was an awkward silence when he got up, put his pants on, and left.
I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people. It's a lot to digest
Just yelled "F, YOU GUYS!" to my students. Another perk of being a music teacher...
Two blondes are heading to Disney World, on their way there, they see a sign that says "Disney World Left"... ... They quickly head left and have a great vacation at Disney World.
"Hey honey" *drags a cigarette* "have you ever" *drinks some scotch* "slept with a guy" *sucks a lollipop* "with three arms?"
What's the worst thing about Fridays? Realizing it's only Tuesday.
A woman is suing Disney claiming that Frozen is based on her life. She sounds like a cold bitch.
There's a crying baby on my bus and I'm all "shut up baby, you're not the one going to work."
If at first I don't succeed, I've already met my wife's expectations.
Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?
Ive never been good with punctuation but I like Dicks Sporting Goods Store
It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow. Monday.
Although no words have been spoken per se, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
I just saved a bunch of money by shopping online with other people's credit card numbers.
"Could you not joke about tragedies?" my friend once said to me. Studies show that 9 out of 11 people find these kind of jokes to be offensive.
How do college students exercise? By swimming in their debt.
Subway is like prostitution you pay someone else to do your wife's job.
My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry. We are maid for each other.
What do you call a gay midget? Sweet and Low
Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson? Do you want to be black, or white?
Is it good to drink witch's brew? Yes it's very newt tricious!
Why don't southern belles go to orgies any more? Too many thank you notes to write
What's the difference between a new anal plug and a used one? The taste.
Post your best racist joke here I'll start: I tried to paint my computer black so it would run faster but now it doesn't work!
What do you call the happy fellow that brings death to the people? The grin reaper
Kids are great. They are the ultimate proof that you, at one point of your life, pleasured a woman. On an unrelated note, would you like to see a picture of my 12 kids?
What did the ancient Greek mother say when her sons toga got torn? Euripides, Eumenides
Why won't Apple's new MacBook sell well? ... because it has NO FANS!!! (get it? no fans? ... thank you!! don't forget to tip your server.)
What are poofists ? If you ask toilet attendant why he/she haven't made more of their life. you get punched into your face by poofists.
What celebrity is most likely to stab you? James Blunt
This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.
a 21st century Hitler would have Macklemore hair (the moustache was attempt to seem young & trendy) & he would call himself a "race wonk"
No sane person argues with their GPS as much as I do.
Dear McDonald's, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don't think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by  love and her looks are out of sight !
A useless blood vessel is found dead It died in vein
Putting a selfie on the top of your Christmas tree... ...because you're such a f**king star!
What's the worst thing about running 100 meters in less than 10 seconds? Being black.
Allow me to brighten your day :) http://imgur.com/gallery/6QOgr
At my local police station, the toilet was stolen The police have nothing to go on
So I tried coprophilia for the first time today. It's fucking shit.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it's my neighbor's window and he looks angry.
Why did the airplane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.
What is cowhide mostly used for? Keeping cows from falling apart.
Why are pot heads always so condescending? They always think they're higher then others
I was going to tell a gay joke... But fuck it.
Not only do I have bad short-term memory... but also I have bad short-term memory.
My local HBCU started a new Graduate Degree Program If you do 4 years in the field for your Master's, they let you work in the kitchen.
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, "Geez, it's hot in here isn't it?"And the other one says, "Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!"
After my sixth cup of coffee, I feel like Mario after he gets one of those bouncing, flashing stars.
What do you call an Islamic cow? A Mooslim
In London Homosexuals pay gigolos in pounds and get the change in pennies.
What is the difference between a gay man and a freezer? A freezer doesn't fart when you pull meat out of it.
Why do dyslexics drink tea when having a heated argument? Because they're having a sipping contest.
I got asked out by 12 girls out of the women's bathroom
Best Joke I know Reddit on April fools' day.
I still remember the day the dentist removed my braces. My trousers fell down and he molested me.
A new gay dinosaur has been found Megasaurass
"I think that kid's a robot" What? "Look at his mouth" Relax they're just braces *backs away slowly* "That's exactly what a robot would say"
Why didn't Darth Vader make it as a stand up comic? Fans thought his sense of humor was a little too on the dark side.
I have a new Obama joke, but... not many people approve.
Why was the corn farmer paranoid? Because the field has ears.
How many extroverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's throw a party while we're at it.
Why are high end clocks designed and made in Switzerland? As they don't get arrested for doing their job as they do in America!
Why don't you see any slow black people? Because the slow ones are in prison.
Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.
What does a sign on a out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we're closed.
Q: What did one hat say to the other hat? A: You stay here. I'll go on a head.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 15 black guys? Coach.
What did the White crayon say to the Black crayon? We make a GRAY team!
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
What's the difference between a 5 year old kid and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.
Say what you will about Chris Brown He produces hit after hit.
Why did Joey fall of the swing? Because he doesn't have arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Joey.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm) Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
When i was younger i never thought i'd have a beard ....But eventually it started to grow on me.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest  children? A: Ask your mother.
How do you tie two half ducks together? with ducktape!! 
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
"No crackers in bed!" - Racist black parents
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge... Rest in peace. Friend: I'm so sorry for your loss. Me: Oh, she's not dead, she's just really lazy.
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneeded a poo!
What rhymes with Jon Snow? He doesn't know. , Sorry for the lame joke, just made it up.
A pencil isn't as phallic as a pen is.
I love math but you know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by two.
Why is it so difficult for people with breast cancer to remember things? They have bad mammaries.
This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies? Corpses are still underground.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
There are 2 things I hate in this world... People who can't count.
Everybody says Australians are rednecks learn already... **...it's actually from latin word Australis which means Southern...** *Oops*
What the 0 said to the 8 ? Nice belt, dude !
What do you call bread baked in the south? inbred
Where did the belly button go to school? The Navel Academy
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria's Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
We all used Facebook out of curiosity and it ended as an addiction.
What's green and eats nuts? Syphillis
Nothing beats a woman with a great voice. Except Chris Brown.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
OH in the bathroom: "Thank God I have another pair of panties in my bag, I shit all over these". What. The. Fuck.
Would you give a blowjob for a million dollars? Yes? Can I get a dollar's worth?
What do they eat instead of "pigs in a blanket" in McKinney, TX? Pork in a roll. (At least I'm trying)
WEDDINGH NIGHT What is long and hard and a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
How do you organise a space party? You planet!
How do you organise a space party? You planet.
The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017.
Your honor, may I approach the bench? "You may." *walks up to bench* *boops judge's nose*
New survey: 55% of men expect to pay on the 1st date. While the other 45% have never been on a 2nd date.
(TERRORIST WARNING) Why did the suicidal air go to the airport? So he could BLOW it up. Please don't hurt meh.
More than ever, now is the perfect time to cast Patrick Swayze in the sequel Ghost 2.
The shape... Did you know? The shape of your mouth as you say the word "poop" is the same that your butthole makes when you poop! Same goes for diarrhea.
The only way an ice cream sandwich could get any better is if it was shaped like a titty.
guy walks into a strip club.. guy walks into a strip club and says, "hey!, who do I gotta blow to get a lap dance around here?"
On Jeopardy This is the largest mammal in the animal kingdom. *leans into mic* "Who is, your mother?"
Not knowing that it's called "baby corn" isn't a big deal... ...but everyone looked at me REALLY weird when I said "oooh, I LOVE child corn" in a crowded restaurant.
I hate how sometimes I let my guard down and then all my inmates get away.
My remaining Scrabble tiles were PENSI, so I played the name of a long, hard body part ... ... SPINE.
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today he'd probably run a really good blog about top hats and play bass in a Grateful Dead cover band.
It was nice of Apple to invent a mirror I can send emails with.
Why did Mrs. Piggy's relationship fail? She couldn't stand making Kermitments
What's Irish and stays on your back porch all year? Patty O'Furniture
In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains. Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.
My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried... Apparently "Balls deep in your sister" was not the answer she was expecting.
Man draws fire for arson attack on art class.
What does Brown Santa say? "Gifts only for little girls with A's, B's and C's because the other ones already have the D's."
Q: What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?  A: Bronco-saurus!
Oh. You lost your phone and it's on silent? If you like it, you should've put a ring on it.
Did you hear the one about the lazy redditor?
A landscaper's favourite musical genre? Mow-town.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV  instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations.
Joan Rivers had so many facelifts That the ended up with a goatee
Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...
[Question] Where did that offensive joke post go? I'm pretty sure I saved it to make reference to eventually and now I cannot find it. There was some gold in there.
Any one wanna hear a funny joke? What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said "Hello." The other one thought "I wonder what he meant by that."
People with chrons disease Really need to get their shit together.
*blood everywhere* "What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?" Well, that's a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff's new here
Adding Up by Juan & Juan
Which fictional lawyer has he smallest penis? Fatticus Inch
It's kinda like i'm a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.
Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.
"Send me the link" means "do not ask me to sit here for 6 minutes and watch this shit now."
Are you a power tool? Because i'd really like you to screw my holes *Pickup line a woman should use*
What do a teenage girl and her baby have in common? They're both thinking, "Oh shit! My mom's gonna kill me."
LG is like XDA... ... they release a phone and they go like "Any problems? You tell me".
Reddit is like internet porn... I've seen the top scoring entries of all categories up to page 20.
The best free drug is being super, super tired and then lying down.
Jews where do you send a jew with ADD...... wait for it... A concentration camp
Insensitive Building a treehouse seems insensitive. It's like killing something and having his friend hold it.
Why are gay men such bad people? Because they are all fucking assholes
Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys? In 2015 humans consumed 65 million tons of bananas and only 8 monkeys.
"Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday and it said that I needed an upgrade."
Why are 9/11 victims great readers? They can go through 90 stories in 10 seconds
Knock knock Who's there? Allah. Allah who? Allah who akbar!
What happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof? He gets stumped.
What does Popeye use to toss his salad? Olive Oil.
What did the cool dinosaur say to his mating partner? Dino-mate!
Me: What happened to all the bourbon? Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken. Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It  won't matter what you do that day
My girlfriend told me, "I wanna smash!" We played smash bros from 12 to 12!
Which people are expert in using internet . the and is those who speak hind-e
Why do lawyers wear neckties? to keep their foreskins from creeping up.
What would it take for the Beatles to get back together again? Three more bullets
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? -A widow.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it's contagious.
What does British parliament name as the #1 cause for pedophilia? Sexy children
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
Dirty joke What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
Why can't a bicycle stand with out a kick stand? It's just two-tired.
So a man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap The psychiatrist looks up at him and says " I can clearly see your nuts"
I have 70 hobbies and they all smell the same. They are 69'ing and fishing
I like a girl with words tattooed on her back. Gives me something to read while i'm in the shitter.
What did the pirate say after his successful pillage? Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Why are there no cats on mars? Curiosity.
How can you spot a vegan in a crowded lunch hall? Don't worry, they'll tell you and every other person there!
Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank? Because she was drinking on the job.
I don't want to perpetuate a fat girl stereotype, but this blow job could use a side of ranch.
Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.
What's the difference between a Ford and a tampon? The tampon comes with a tow rope.
I won $3 million on lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity Now I have $2,999,999.75
Mom! Mom! I'm pregnant!!  Oh God, honey, where was your head at?!       Ummm against the passenger door, I think
*pulls away from kissing* JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you're still guilty.
It's adorable how I write "beer" on my shopping list like I'd somehow forget.
If masturbation really made you blind... ... how come I'm still able to typaanco goauma oa,
I never believed that my dad was stealing from his job as a roadworker But when i got home all of the signs were there.
What is a Mexican's favorite sport? It used to be cross country but now it's rock climbing.
Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
I wish that regular church goers would stay home at Easter so that those of us who only come once a year can get in the building.
"Sir... your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He's in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!" - Worst ER doc
"HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?" "Ma'am, that's a watermelon"
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes a long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change.
People say I'm crazy because I don't enjoy spooning girls I much prefer knifing them.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Are you dylsexic? Probably.
Did you hear about the comedian terrorist? He was Jihahahadist!
My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management I lost it.
You cannot taste me, until you undress me. - Banana, 2017
A man enters his house with a duck under his arm and says "See, this is the pig I've been screwing". "What do you mean? That's not a pig." his wife replies. "I wasn't talking to you".
Why did the two tampons not talk to each other? because they're both stuck up cunts
So all the primates got together for a male-only gathering, but they put up a sign banning humans. No homo.
I'm bad at delivering jokes... The doctor that delivered me was great at it though!
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I put on one of those things that prevents me from ever having children. A shell suit.
Common dialogue in SITCOMs When a guy proposes, the female responds "thank you"... Seen this in Friends, two and half men and the big bang theory... If its there in HIMYM.. PLS LET ME KNOW...
I met Jesus once but he was kind of a dick He was all "holier-than-thou"
My priest told me that my inner kid in me is still young... I don't think the inner kid in him is as young as the kid he was in.
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !
My friend thinks he so smart. He says onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face
I went to a party as a pirate (oc) I went to a party as a pirate and met a girl dressed as a whale She wasn't into me You can say I walked the plankton
Got a job cleaning up leaves. I was raking it in.
2 peanuts walk into a bar... One was a salted
What's the difference between a chickpea &amp; a lentil? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a lentil in my face
[creation] GOD: You each have a gift WORM: What's mine? G: You...spin silk BEE: How bout me? G: Uh...make honey HIPPO: And me? G: Hm...eat marbles
I ordered a bowl of spaghetti and found a linguine noodle at the bottom he was an impasta
What are the rough parts of Italy called? The spaghetto.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He heard they had a tight seal
What did the hobo say to the prostitute? Hey girl, I'd sleep in that box.
My blonde gf dropped a mug on her feet, spilling her salt over her desk at work... ...Successfully sued claiming to have been mugged and assaulted
oh u love jesus "with all of ur heart"? name 3 of his albums
Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.
What's the most important part of an ISIS joke? The execution.
"My god...we're monsters," I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Did you hear about the community pool they built in the bronx? There were no survivors.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar... followed by Batman.
Is your name WiFi, because I'm feeling the connection
Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off. Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!
Why is 77 better than 69? You get eight more
I have a crowbar in my garage. Worst customers, they shit everywhere.
The person who invented the word fuck was probably tapped on the shoulder while they had headphones on.
I helped an old guy cross the road today I carried his walking frame. Talk about ungrateful.
I love the compliments my boss gives like "wow you're on time today" and "great job ignoring dress code again".
What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Swallowing the wheelchair.
*catches frisbee* "this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don't take staff meetings seriously"
One thing I like about Facebook... It's my space.
What kind of a friar loves philosophy? A deep friar.
Two angels run out of weed... One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "fear not," he says and points at Jesus. "for he has resin."
My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your car? Time to get a new car.
What does a girl want more than anything? Nothing. She is fine.
I constantly google "how to put your kids up for adoption" so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I'm not messing around.
What does Hillary Clinton have in common with a factory-grown chicken? They're both getting beaten by the name of Sanders.
Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather He can't read it anyway
two cows in a barn One turns to the other and says, "Man this mad cow disease really has me on edge." then other cow says "*Pshh* I don't care, I'm a helicopter!"
Sad iPad Why was the iPad sad? Someone took a bite out of its Apple.
I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me It means a lot
I am a heathen. I like burning bibles and defiling the name of God. But also I genuinely love giving to charity and always try to be as honest as I can. I guess that I am just very sincere.
I just got the heebie jeebies. That's what I get for having unprotected sex with a ghost.
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You follow his FRESH PRINTS!
So this girl asked me what I look for in women I told her, "3 holes and a heart beat"
A waiter just asked me if eat meat. I felt like a 70 year old women getting carded at a bar.
just a racist joke do you know why **race of your choice** are so good at triathlon? because they run to get to the public swimming-pool and return home on a bicycle
Ladies, if Men had PMS they'd get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Here's what I've been thinking... How can a male have nut allergies?
Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me?
Why is it good news that Aroldis Chapman moved to the Yankees? Because pitchers don't hit in the American League!
What's the difference between au jus and a jew? Au jus is boiled but a jew is baked.
*guitarist breaks guitar* HELL YEAH *drummer throws drums* YES YES *singer stabs a bunch of guys* OH MY GOD *bassist plants a bomb* STOP
I hate thinking of new passwords. Last time I did I chose "Penis." But got the error: Your password is too short. I tried BBCPenis, that was too many characters. Guess that ones too long.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed... And then I remembered I got gas.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I'd take Cap'n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren't on his hat.
What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle? Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish.
What did Adam say to Eve on the day before Christmas? "It's Christmas, Eve."
What do you call an X-Games athlete who placed dead last? A louger.
Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler walks into a bar He orders a beer
I bought shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced it with,but I've been tripping all day.
Why didn't the Cancer Cowboy head out West? He was afraid of Chemo-sabe.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick's Day, which must make it a living hell for Irish Immigration officials.
Sometimes, when I'm bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
A cat falls into water, which makes the rooster laugh Moral of the story: a wet pussy makes a happy cock
If life give you melons... ... you might be dyslexic.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? THATS NOT FUNNY!
"Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I'll be able to control myself... aaaand they're gone." - Me with Thin Mints, and women.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this. You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
TIFU by sleeping with my Crush Now there's orange soda all over my bed. :(
Remember to keep the 'inmate' in 'intimate' by getting married.
How did the founding fathers of Canada name there country? They drew letters from a hat. "A 'C' eh! An 'N' eh! A 'D' eh!" they cried
I'm gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I see that El Chapo has been extradited to the U.S. So we may not get a Mexican wall but I bet we get a tunnel!
What seperates man from animal? Divorce!
Daylight savings On Sunday we jumped back an hour, today we jumped back 50 years.
Oh, you're a ceiling fan? Name three ceilings.
What does oral sex and being in the mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Clever Insult joke If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
The CS:GO Joke. In a COMP match in CSGO how many people does Olofmeister kill? Olofem
Girl, are you a jar in my parents' fridge? Because I have absolutely no way of knowing how old you are.
Optometrist dilated my eyes today; everything blurry Shortest time I have ever spent on the pot, says the wife...
My friends hosting a charity night for people who can't reach orgasms I told him i'll let him know if i can't come.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend* Bf: "Hey Babe, I love you!" Gf: "we're breaking up" Bf: "no we're not, I can hear you just fine."
5% of America thinks we're doing well. The other 95% thinks we could do gooder.
A man died in a tragic skydiving accident. Some say he left an impact on the world.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Banzai Barbie ...a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely  resembles Barbie
What do you call a person who acts based on their feeling rather than logic? A girl on period.
I met this girl at the library... She was really smart! Almost as brainy as Kurt Cobain's ceiling.
Have you heard of probability before? The student replied, "probably"
The Catholic Church has chosen its anthem Concerto for organ in a minor.
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture....
I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress I'm going to sleep on it.
What do you call a midget psychic committing a crime? Small medium at large.
Why did the geologist's wife leave him? He took her for granite.
Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can't live without each other.
Why did the samurai hate nonsense? Because he was a sensei.
A Scotsman and an Irish man walk into a bar And the Scotsman shouts "All the drinks are on me!" The next morning the headlines read *"Irish Ventriloquist Found Dead Behind Bar"*
Imagine the most awkward thing you've ever experienced & it pales in comparison to watching me try to pass someone walking.
Why did your sister shoot the alarm clock ? Because she felt like killing time.
I'm getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people? An icebreaker
Why do the Irish have 239 beans in their soup? If they had one more it would be to farty
What do you call an angry Korean physicist? A seoulenoid
I think from now on...I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an "extra smile".
spraypainting "CHEATER" on my car to make it look like im sexually active
What does Bill Gates call it when someone drops a $20 bill on the ground? Littering.
Poor Sally (2 parter) Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms... **quickly followed by** Knock Knock *Who's there?* Not Sally.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? HAA HAA HAA...............  The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.
How did the stem cell break it to his girl? It's not you; it's me*iosis* Could probably do with some work on deliver as I made it 5 minutes ago
Q. What's the difference between a line dance instructor and a dentist? A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
Dirty funny What do you get when there are two nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What do you get with two nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you get with two nuts on your chin? A Dick in your mouth.
What am i doing after taking lots of codeine? I literally ain't doin' shit...
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis? He gives them runs!
Did you hear about the bassist? Did you hear about the bassist that was SO out of tune people noticed?
I'm not looking for a TC, I'm looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn't ask questions.
The inventor of predictive text has died His funfair is hello on sundial.
A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
(-1)(2^3)()() and it tasted great. (Maths Joke see who gets it)
You can say many bad things about Hitler... ...but the showers joke was pretty good.
The council have started asking people what they think of their plans to build a wind turbine off the local coastline. I'm not a big fan.
[dinner at brother's house] "So where are the kids?" Brother: I grounded them. *spits out meatloaf*
Civil War Jokes? Most of them are General-Lee stupid.
"I see that you're wearing a black shirt, so I'm going to be extra affectionate today." -Cats
Why did the old lady fall in the well? Because she couldn't see that well
What do you call a woman that has a penis. Pregnant. With a boy. (Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwuaahh)
My wife and I were convicted of paedophilia The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Why is stevie wonder always smiling He doesn't know hes black yet
A woman walks into a Bar... She asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? A: About fifty pounds.
Farting in the steam room was a bad judgement call.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much.. APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Magic words that make my children disappear: 3) Bath time 2) Who did this?! 1) When I was your age...
If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community... that would be a "reservation reservation reservation" ~ Brian Regan
Some guy died at the gym... They had to deadlift him out.
Why do Gay guys wear condoms? To play star wars.
Picture a fish household with an upside-down bowl for their tiny human
Do all Toyota Priuses come with Obama '08 stickers already on them?
What do you call a Cloyster that wants to learn the move Rain Dance? The clam before the storm!
I wrote a song about tortillas. Actually it was more of a wrap.
How to get out of a bad date. 1. Pull fake baby out of your bag. 2. Tell your date to help pick a name. 3. Start taking family photos.
What tastes good on pie, but not on pussy? Crust.
Whats white and likes to shoot? Kevin Nash
Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in North Korea? Because the Party wants to make every asshole Red.
What did the bird say to the other bird Bro, do you even drosophila melanogaster ?
What do you call a religious drug addict? A crystal methodist.
My parents always said I was artistic. They were very modest, so they only ever whispered it to each other.
What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
Two guys walked into a bar... The other guy ducked.
What's the difference between up and down? It all depends on how you look at it
I do an average of 6 things a day that will keep me out of heaven.
The employee got fired from Pepsi because he tested positive for coke.
Glad the NBA lockout is over. That was like the worst thing that happened to black people, ever.
Would you like a duck egg for supper? Only if you quack it for me.
What do you call the people that always are around musicians? bass players.
My son is so lazy he's went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
 All in all, it's just a... nother post on my wall. 
*pulls up pants* Me: It feels like I've got the world's worst wedgie! Proctologist: That's normal. M: ... P: Hey... Have you seen my glove?
What's the difference between an engineer and a prostitute? An engineer makes a lot of fucking money, whereas a prostitute could make a lot of money fucking.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn't do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends how thin you slice them. Worst dead baby jokes, let's hear them! NSFW because dead baby jokes probably aren't safe for work...
A worker named Dave is telling his boss about how he knows everyone A redditor confirms
"Yogurt!" Gurt: "Yes?"
Can you identify yourself!! Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
What do you call a 2 with a fat ass? A 3
What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator? I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.
Cow with a twitch, beef jerky.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Once you go black you never go back... Fuck.
Never trust someone that wears colored contacts. They've already lied to you.
Jokes about women's menstruation aren't funny. Period.
What did the brown cow say to the brown chicken? Brown chicken brown cow ;)
What do you call a pot head with down syndrome? A bongoloid.
These food blogs start simple. 'How to cook rice. Boil. Serve' But over time... 'How to creme brulee baba ganoush with caramel'.
My blonde gf thinks... My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody's gettin' ready for the world's end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
red (political majority) white (racial majority) and blue (militant majority)
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to drop it and six to pick it up pick it up pick it up
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? No one pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.
What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby.
What do a battleship and a belly button ring have in common? They're both Naval units.
I'm a passive aggressive driver. I pass other drivers and then aggressively speed towards the next one.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I'll just hang out with my toddler.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his dinner before it was cool.
Kalimba - Tocando Fondo bacan la cancion
I'm really not a fast driver I just don't like having anyone in front of me... Officer
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
When is a pig an ecologist? When he recycles garbage into ham.
It is estimated that 1 Million people plan to gather at Times Square to watch the ball drop while looking down at their phones.
What do you name a dog with no legs? "Cigarette" because you take him out for a drag.
When I'm sad I go to the fabric softener aisle of a store & imagine I'm in the clean mountains surrounded by blue sparkles and wild flowers.
What do The Walking Dead and the state of Wisconsin have in common? They both have a hated governor.
What did the surfer say when he visited Syria? This place is totally radical!
I lost 100 pounds. Getting mugged in Europe.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged and took it like a champ
Did you hear Rick Ross's new song about the Ebola crisis? It's called 100 Blacks Coughin'
How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? The hot dogs taste like shit.
Whats the difference between a shower thought and a joke? I don't know you tell me.
Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one? A retail store.
I can't believe I used to talk to people.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Has anyone here ever smelled mothballs? I'm having trouble getting their tiny legs open.
I really hope my family doesn't give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.
Did you hear someone has invented a  coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up!
I hate hearing jokes about midgets and roller coasters. They usually come up short.
A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.
Why did the worm want to learn kung-fu? so he could flip the bird
What's the difference between a green bean chickpea? #EDIT: What's the difference between a green bean **and a** chickpea?# No one has ever paid to have a green bean on their chest
Psychiatrist to the patient: - Your case is clear. You have double personality. Please, pay bill $ 100 for the consultation... - *Keep $ 50. The rest will make the second one*
Life on mars found... To be unlikely.
Getting my cat to "LOL" is a lot harder than it looks on the internet.
Did you hear about the hooker who had an appendectomy? Now she makes money on the side.
What do you call a hippopotamus that's a gigalo? A hit-the-spotimus.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window* "Extra toilet paper please" Do you mean napkins? "Sure, whatever"
What's the best thing about finger blasting a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free
What does Miley Cyrus eat on Thanksgiving? Twerkey!
I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby" Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
I have a time phobia. *looks at watch, panics *looks at clock, panics *looks at thyme "This I can handle."
What do confused owls say?  Too-whit-to-why?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe "space" was just tired.
I wonder if the Colorado Planned Parenthood shooter had a Plan B?
I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.
My friend had to amputate the front of his foot so I punched him in the face. I'm lack toes intolerant.
Chuck Norris' chest hair has chest hair.
When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once year.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
wanna hear about the biggest conspiracy theory of all time involving millions of people dominating millions of others? feminism.
2 Wongs How come you only see white couples with chinese kids and never chinese couples with white kids? 2 wongs don't make a white
"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today!
A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!
I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.
I'm DJ'ing my daughter's 11th bday. As DJ D. A. D. , I need to collect your best dad jokes suitable for the mic! I'm sure she'll forgive me... eventually.... Hit me!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down* Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I've had a pretty wild week...
What is the worst part of being both black and jewish? Having to sit in the back of the oven. (these do not reflect my personal views)
Why were those customers on Crazy Taxi' so pissed off all the time? SORRY IT TOOK 34 SECONDS TO GET TO PIZZA HUT MA'AM!
Forgot it's April fool's! What's the simplest way to really quickly get some friends so I can prank them?
Anybody know of a good job for someone that hates people and working?
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
If you put your ear really close to someone's knee you can actually hear... ...them say: "What the fuck are you doing?!"
My father's such a condescending man ... Since he died he's always looked down on me.
Can of sardines in Soviet Union A man in the 80s in Soviet Union buys a can of sardines. He opens it and it's empty, but there is a little note in it: "Not a winner"
Three german soldiers... ... Walk into a BAR.
What do you do when your daughter says batman raped her? Switch to the spiderman outfit
The fact acceptance movement and the French Revolution are very similar. People losing their heads over eating cake.
What did the black cat say to the fish ? I've got a bone to pick with you !
You would think that if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.
Bigfoot is like a father to me... ... I've only ever seen him in photos, never in real life.
What did the Bra say to the hat? You go on ahead I'm going to stay to give these two a lift!
I went to a reverse psychologist He told me to kill myself
Difference between gipsy and a pizza The pizza can feed a family of four
Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night Cop said I was deriving over the limit.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I've quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When Scarlett Witch was at the Avengers HQ... you could say she needed...adult super Vision.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Why don't cops get along with black people? They should at least take a shot at it
Explain joke what do cows eat? le-moo-ns
is Harry potter rasict What's the difference about Harry potter and a jew? Harry made it out of the chambers alive
My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, "Everyone just eats it."
How did the king die? He had a bad heir day
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life's little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?", I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.
When it comes to stalking, I'm right behind you.
I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day- -that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.
Why do ghosts make the best thieves? Because possession is 9/10 of the law
Do you think Lil' Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said "Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper"?
Boobs are like Christmas trees... ...it doesn't matter if they are real or fake, as long as they look good.
My kids and I are exact opposites. They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Him: So what are you into? Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.
I've been divorced so long I've almost forgotten how to clear a computer history.
I just thought of the most badass hobbit name: Oak Smashfoot. Oh god, I'm so tired.
What is the one thing batman and superman don't have to worry about? Dad Jokes.
When it comes to stealing chocolate bars... I have a couple twix up my sleeve
Past, Present and Future walk into a bar It was tense
Mexicans are so good at basketball It's in there blood. They can Run, Jump, Shoot and steal.
I don't know why there's such a stigma on masturbation. I find that it really comes in handy.
What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer! What do you call a blind deer without legs? Still no eye deer!
What do you call a skinny feminist... Photoshopped
What is one thing that both Australians &amp; Americans share the same view on? 1961
How many Scots didn't turn up to vote? One in Fife
Trading gold for a good consulting / corporate or office joke... Guys, it's been a long day, I need a laugh and I've got three months of gold to give away. Help me out?
From the man himself: What brand of gum does Neil DeGrasse Tyson chew? Eclipse.
You probably solved a problem which Einstein couldn't solve because he didn't see it
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Why is there a "D" in fridge but not in refrigerator? Because you don't put the "D" in the big ones.
Sometimes during sex I accidentally say "I love you too, brown paper bag smiley face."
Proof that Donald Trump is a racist Tomorrow he is going to throw a black family out of their house.
What is Donald Trump thinking? Who is going to build the wall if we deport all the Mexicans?
My girlfriend has this really weird fetish She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex. I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway.
Why did Princess Leia cry at the end of Return of the Jedi? Her father just died.
How does the Moon cut the Sun's hair? He eclipse it.
A woman cries to her husband "honey, the fridge isn't running" Husband replies "Good. I'm not in the mood for fast food"
Why is stephen harper a bad stripper? Because he doesnt do well on the poles
If you forget what it's like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I accidentally swallowed a contact lens today... I've never seen my colon with such clarity before.
What do you tell a woman who has two black eyes? Nothing. She's already been told twice.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.
What workplace benefit do ebola quarantine nurses receive? Hazardous doodie pay!
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
"You seen my cell phone?...What's it look like? Like two horses fucking. It's a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
Sometimes it is best not to talk unless you can improve on the silence.
"This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I'm gonna open up a bottle of red and take a long, hot bath." - white women
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Because it had nobody to go with.
How do you screw up a joke? You punchup the fuckline
People question the Christmas present I got for my mother They say a fridge is a terrible gift when she already has one. But when I saw here face light up upon opening it, all doubts where gone.
Fat girls don't have it so bad At least they can wipe their tears with their tits
What has a bottom at its top? A leg.
What do you get when you mix Mexico with literature? Tequila Mockingbird
The blood moon last night got me so excited I was over the moon!
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide? Because it's too cold out-tide.
How many Nickelback fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? .... Trick question! There's no such thing as Nickelback fans. (I will be hated by few)
Can I call you? Crush: Yes Errm, I called but you didn't pick Crush: I said you could call, I never said I'd pick up
Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.
Why is Santa a terrible sexual partner? Because he doesn't exist
I think the little ledges in front of windows are silly.
Why did Holden Caulfield hate his job at Sprint? He was surrounded by phone-ys!
I'm basically shuffling papers and watching the clock until the next Batman movie.
Donald Trump and his followers are buying Macs So they don't have to be PC anymore. *Ba dum tsst
I'd have more sympathy for Sony's alleged loss of $200 million if that weren't the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[dark alley] Dealer: so what you want Me: a gram [dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, Californians screw in hot tubs!
A long, romantic kiss... and then - She: I think I swallowed your gum. He: No, I just cleared my throat.
What's the difference between a $20 prostitute and a $200 prostitute? When the $20 one swallows, it's because she's hungry.
What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale? The Juan who lived.
Do you give head to strangers? Or should I introduce myself?
I'm still disappointed that The Phantom Menace was never nominated for an Academy Award... ...for Best Animated Film.
How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb? ... Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?
What does a witch enjoy cooking most? Gnomelettes.
What do you call a fruit that makes fun of someone? A banana-nana-nana Got it on a popsicle stick. Laughed for way too long.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you're better off staying home with no pants on.
What's the difference between "like", "love" and "showing off"? Spit, Swallow and Gargle.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I can tell y'all this; it was no black man that came up with the name 'tea-bagging' for that shit. It'd have been something like 'ball-dunk'
Today I Almost Fucked Up by finishing with a bad bunch line Whoops-
One eyed man Comes to the doctor. Doctor asks: what's wrong. The man says: 'm mssng an
A neutron walks into a bar He asks, "How much for a drink?" The barkeep replied, "For you, no charge."
What did Santa say to the three prostitutes? (Pointing to each in turn) Ho! Ho! Ho!
My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
Boys want to play Most young men like the idea of (eventually) marrying a living doll; but on a first date, they'd actually prefer a wined-up toy.
I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine... Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. /Jack Handy
Dear Abby, I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, "Hey man where's that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!"
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I lost the birth video of my son so I'm at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I'll just zoom in close so my wife won't be able to tell.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
What's the most racist letter of the alphabet? Not Z.
Karma is like 69: "You get, what you give
Whats the name of the arachnid playwright?
I don't want to brag but unlike most men I need both hands for a wank . One for the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers.
How do you make a hormone? Slap her in the face and refuse to pay her.
Is it bad to feel the need to finish off prescription drugs before they expire? I don't have most of these ailments but they were expensive
Two blondes are driving. The first blonde asks, "Is my blinker working?" The second blonde checks the dashboard and responds, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
What is black, bitter and dont work worth a damn? Decaf coffee
I met this gorgeous girl on the subway... and I said to her, "do you know the different between lunch and a blowjob" "no" Ok, lets go to lunch then.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad. If you stab it enough.
There are two kinds of woman who never complain. GIFs and JPGs
i'm gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that's attached to your house, we'll attack you.. - bees
If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I'd like to eat now.
DOING NF NOW! ign OpticVpredz [x1] [xboxone]
What video game would Adolf Hitler play? Mein Kraft.
If you don't sleep now, you'll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you'll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Do you know anyone who has ever been scalped? I can't think of anyone off the top of my head..
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full. A PEZimist fills it with candy.
A blond walks into a bar You think she would've seen it.
What did one boob say to the other boob? Hey man, if we don't get some support soon they're gonna think we're nuts!
What did the bee to the other bee in summer ? Swarm here isn't it !
My wife wants to have another kid. That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, "I think we better turn around."
all pans are no-stick pans if you no-cook in them.
My favourite anti joke.
Hey did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color? It had a reptile dysfunction
The Point of A Conference Call A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say "bye" 300 times.
My son said he was touched by the priest at todays religious service I was there too, it was a beautiful ceremony
It was my first time, I was nervous The first time I had sex I was really nervous, so I imagined my partner naked, it didn't help.
It's tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
I see that you have graph paper, you must be plotting something.
Lets play army Want to play army? I can lay down and you can blow the hell out of me.
What do you call a perverted fat knight? Sir Cum Ferrance
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bing ! Bing who ? Bing down the house !
I would have bought Battlefront EA If the Rancor wasn't a Dead one.
Nearly Christmas... PEOPLE say that every dog has its day. How right they are. We got a dog for Christmas, got bored with it and had it put down on Boxing Day.
How do you find a blonde on reddit? Look for the comments that just say "huh?"
What's the difference between a circus and a whore house? One has a cunning array of stunts.
What's the best part of a movie? The climax.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw* CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That's him!
A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.
New rule: Confederate States don't get to pick who sings "God Bless America". We'll fly someone in from up north.
When I drink alcohol, everyone says that I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink Fanta, no one says that I'm Fantastic.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
50 notifications later and I regret commenting on your status.
Based on Harrison's choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Me: Gonna go see Gym. Friend: You mean go to the gym? Me: No, Gym is Geoff's brother.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
What do you call a gynecologist who really loves his job? Ovary Enthusiastic
I used to have a job involving crushing cans....... It was soda pressing!
Cracked me up when I was 5, still cracks me up as an adult. Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Because they have such big fingers!
I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.
Where did the Muslim go for his sandwich? Aaaaaaaaallah Snackbar.
Are u alright? No I'm half left
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the light bulb will change when it's ready
There's no way smoking meth is as addictive or stressful as watching Breaking Bad.
What do you call an Italian whore? A pastatute. I'll see myself out.
[England 1320] "Dearest fair lady, thou art the finest in the land. Allow me to gaze upon thee soon. My love grows." *waits 6 months* "K"
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son's lunch box
If Santa is black... and he is called father Christmas, that explains why children can't see him.
Haha we can see inside your cage You like it when we poke you with that stick right?
r/jokes this Aprils fools is god damn annoying at least give us a way to turn it off lol.
My dad always said, "I before E expect after C". Society taught me otherwise.
Tip for drowning your enemies: Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
There's only 3 types of people in the world. Those that can count, and those that can't.
A man walked into a doctor's office . . . He said to the doctor: "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said: "Well don't go there any more."
Jack and Jill went up the hill; each one had a quarter When they came down Jill had both, You think they went for water?
[hamster construction site] "Colin, you seen Dave?" I left him manning the concrete mixer "Oh no" [cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Loads of people are lining up to buy my vampire teeth. Fang queue.
What did Kermit eat after he got divorced? Pork Chops
Practice safe lunch... Use a condiment.
Some numbers walk into an Irish pub. 2 orders an Irish Car Bomb. 1 says "2, please!"
Did you guys hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil
A racist joke What's the difference between a sperm and a racist? A sperm as a 1 in a million chance of actually becoming a human being.
Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything just put a cape on their dog
Simba was moving too slowly So i told him to Mufasa
What happened to the Chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner? He smashed his nose
why the sadman buy keybord? because is the "key" to hapennies
My favorite way to respond to a knock-knock joke Person: "Knock Knock" Me: "Come in" Person: "..."
An Interview with a Master Ninja When questioned on whether he thought his pupil could win his upcoming training match the Sensei had this to say: "Shuriken".
Jaws (2015): "(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you're on your way great thanks"
What happens if you spin an oriental person around really fast for an extended period of time? They become disoriented.
Did you know the bible was written by M. Night Shyamalan? The plot twist was crrraaazzy. Jesus was a jew the whole time
What do you call the people that Trump didn't pick to be in his cabinet? Qualified.
As much as I disagree with Donald Trumps policies, we agree one one major and vital thing... We would both love to fuck his daughter.
I want a romantic comedy trailer that starts, "Ben was looking for love in all the wrong places," and then shows Ben digging up a grave.
A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12." The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.
I hate when people say having a black friend allows them to say the n word You have to have at least two since black people are only 3/5s of a person
I say "Hey man, I got your back." He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. "Baby got back." I say
Why did the farmer fire the DJ? Because he kept on dropping beets.
So Oscar Pistorious was sentenced to 5 years of prison. In my opinion, his excuse was lame. I don't think he had a leg to stand on.
A man walking into a bar and says, "I'll have ten times more beers than your next biggest drinker" The bartender replied, "Now that's an order of magnitude!"
Has anybody ever thought of buying a pig a plane ticket?
Did you here about that concert where the frontman flung his crap into the crowd? The shit reeeeeeally hit the fan
A recent survey in the UK asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now? 18% answered: **YES** 82% answered **  **
I doubt vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot.
Hookers and blow Whats the difference between a hooker and a crack dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
I wonder what hospitals do with all the foreskins.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
What's the difference between an incontinent person and a 1980's Renault? One's a leaker, one's a Le Car.
What is it called when the Queen farts? a noble gas!
What do you call a joke without a punchline?
The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate. It's non-existent.
I was going to say a necrophilia joke... But it died... So fuck it....
What did they call Dracula when he won the league? The champire!
Did you hear the director planned to film two sequels simultaneously for the Michael J Fox 1980's time travel comedy? He planned to make back-to-back back to the 'Back to the Future' future features!
A client called in inquiring about  a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info she asked  "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen
What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah...39
On a scale of 1 - 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I'm about a 5.
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common ? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !
What do you call a space agency that doesn't go to space? NASA.
A magician was driving down a street when suddenly... he turned into a driveway.
From my Dad: I never did get around to paying for my exorcism So now I've been repossessed.
What did the doctor say to the infertile Princess Bride? Inconceivable!
What's the worst part about being a prostitute? The customer always comes first.
An idea for a board game... BONOPOLY - Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.
imagine if your fridge did what you do everyday,every half hour goes to your room opens the door and stares at you for 5minutes then leaves
Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks.
Why did batman fill his freezer with water bottles? Because he wanted just ice.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn't look like you CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me B: oh yeah? Fly then C: uh *starts sweating*
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Politicians are a lot like diapers... They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons. (Benjamin Franklin)
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Why are trombones the sexiest instruments in the orchestra? Because they can be played in seven positions and you have to oil the slide.
Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on? Pupil: No Miss the dress you're wearing looks fine.
What time is it when twenty dogs and one cat get together? 20 after 1.
How did the Roman feel when he cannibalized his nagging wife? Glad-he-ater
I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
Let's do something we both know we'll regret in the morning. Let's order KFC for dinner.
Men are like buses, they won't text me back.
Two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.
"Tell them I just left and should be there any minute." -Every delivery guy, ever
What did the man say when he sat on a candle? Fire in the hole!
Amazon is selling used copies of 50 Shades....ewe
DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... you're adopted. DOG: OMG THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE
I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven... One turns to the other and says "It's getting pretty hot in here isn't it? " The other muffin says "Holy shit! A talking muffin! "
Sorry champ, but getting "promoted" from fries to drive-thru is not a promotion.
All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan.
What's your body type? Mine is "giant gummy bear."
What do you moan in Cleveland when you're close to orgasm? O-HI-O
My wife bought me a second hand watch for my birthday... Anyway, better be going. The football starts in... 1200 seconds.
Q: "Have you heard about the new pirate movie?" A: "It's rated aaarrrrrrrr."
God, Clark Gable's performance in "Gone With the Wind" sucked... ...It's like he didn't even give a damn.
Has anyone even thought to look in San Diego for Carmen Sandiego? Think about it, it's a little *too* obvious. Which means it's perfect.
Make a Fire Q: How do you make a fire with two sticks? A: Make sure one is a match!
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are under and dollar and deer nuts are under a buck.
How did AL Gore program his computer? With the proper al-gor-ithms
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren't both opposed to it.
I still wake up hoping that class is cancelled.
Why can't America play chess? They are missing 2 towers
Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here. Me: But I bought the it from your shop. Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!
How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
My girlfriend says I'm an idiot with money. But I'm tellin' ya, she's wrong! I'm an idiot with no money!
ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
What do people with huge penises eat for breakfast? Well, I had toast. EDIT: me and /u/Nekovivie weren't expecting you to know. cuz^you^have^a^small^dick
Omg someone broke into my professor's house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Borg ! Borg who ? Borg standard !
Another way that succes is like pregnancy Women have to get it from men.
Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."
My hot dislexic co-worker said she had an important massage to give me in her office... When I got there, she told me it can wait until I put on some clothes.
Cold turkey is a scary concept but also an adorable image. Aww give that little guy a jacket.
What was Saddam Husseins favourite TV show? Despot Housewives
"Ooh fun, I have an email!" - me, forgetting about the email I sent myself NOT ONE SECOND AGO
Why was six afraid of seven Because seven was a registered six offender
Excuse me waiter, I didn't ask for dessert. I asked for DESERT. Now get me a bowl of sand and a baby camel.
Cam Newton Just signed a contract with McDonalds. He will be promoting turnovers.
Why is Halloween one of the most popular holidays in West Virginia? It gives them an opportunity to *pump-kin*.
So the other day I was pressing my clothes But it turned out I had just made even more creases. I was so upset. I guess I couldn't handle the irony.
Why did Ted Cruz's father assassinate JFK? To get to the other side!
/r/shitredditsays
What makes a good Stalin joke? The execution.
I finally found out why OP never delivers!
Why wasn't the plastic surgeon worried about running out of breast implants anytime soon? He had a large drawer of chests right there in his office.
How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer? Dos
what would you call superman if he was deaf and mexican? No hero
America: We put the 'try' in country.
Graduations are so immature You can hardly get to the end without name calling
A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapuss *I have to give credit to my buddy /u/canavo for that one!
Can you believe my fucking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning?! 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
S &amp; M me and the wife are in the s &amp; m stage of our marriage. she Sleeps, i Masturbate
Do zombies eat donuts with their fingers? No, they usually eat their fingers separately.
I saw a black man running from a shop with a turntable, amplifier and speakers under his arm being chased by a security guard. Talk about stereotypes.
Why didn't the lawyer monkey make any money? Because he did all his work pro bonobo
Just saw that new Harry Potter movie, and was really disappointed... ...just looked at my ticket stub. It turns out the movie is called fantastic *beasts* and where to find them.
Real chemist never dies ...just stops reacting.
[Speaking at funeral] We made it guys it's Friday
What happend when the bike ran over a nail? It popped a wheelie.
What do you call Indian flowers? Patels [source](http://i.imgur.com/LXADoFR.jpg)
"You know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat well what if we added an extra slice of bread?" Inventor of club sandwich
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
are vegans allowed to play Duck Hunt
Cheating is such an ugly way to put it. I like to think of it as outsourcing my sex life.
What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man. A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed. "Well!" she exclaimed. "And you tell me off just for sucking my thumb."
Sedated, cheese-loving, Northern Ed Miliband... and Gromit.
Today punched man a me That was out of order
A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier. It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl.
"What should we name this fruit?" "Passion!" "..." "..." "Let's not let Todd name any more fruits."
Wanna piss a rhinoceros off? Hang his car keys on his nose.
"I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope
Bet you I can guess how much she weighs. She's about one... FAT BITCH!
What did Mulan's grumpy elderly friends say when they caught her with Li Shang? "Get off Mu-lan!!!"
What do you call a black person on the moon? An astrounaut you racist bastard!
How do you get money out of a piggy bank? Feed it laxatives.
What's a Latin professor's favorite song? Hit the quam
Why did a pair of tomatoes play footsie? To-mate-toes!
What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
What did the pervert get for Christmas? A partial in a pear tree.
What is the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once.
What is it called when two little people get divorced? Daworfed
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, pick any cod.
''Your call is important to us......please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo''
It's too bad the meaning of life is 141 characters.
What street in France do reindeer live on? Rue Dolph
My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex. So I dumped her.
The hardest thing about working in a restaurant is that your throat is always dry from spitting in everyone's food.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants... Bartender asks him "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate responds, "Aaar, It's driving me nuts!"
Never date an Aztec woman... They'll rip your heart out :(
Why couldn't the lizard get it up? He had ereptile dysfunction.
Costume idea: Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My boyfriend said he wanted a man cave if we ever got a house together. I jokingly asked if I could have a lady cave "Yeah. It's called the kitchen"
I like my women like my beer... Cold and with the head blown off.
LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th? ME: alibi school LAWYER: can u prove this? ME: wait, the 13th? LAWYER: ya ME: k no I was murdering that day
So there's this hot NA chick in my chemistry class Her attitude is always salty, but hey, her booty is sodium fine. Edit: Na
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said "I'd rather be tweeting." It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire* calm down brent just call a tow tru*I'm already shooting flare gun*
Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter. Now I don't have any.
What'll happen if a piano is dropped on a man? He will B flat
Apparently "The WiFi signal is the strongest there" isn't the right answer when the boss asks "Why are you spending so much time in toilet?"
Good luck making the Instagram most viewed page if you're not an adorable Japanese teenager eating frozen yogurt.
good artists copy ,, great artists steal i say to myself as i shove several marley and me dvds into my pants. im a dog lover wat can i say
Any good jokes involving an Armadillo, a banana and a grandmother? Just checking how creative the Humorists in Reddit are.
My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"
In the Super Mario Bros movie, instead of a gag reel, did they have... bloopers?
If the Hipster fad were to end... Would we even hear about it?
With my 4 year old granddaughter: What's a cat's favorite pasta? Mousearoni
Don't beat your children... Give them informative physical connections.
Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won't realize I paid with Monopoly money.
There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon
What is brown and rhymes with snoop dogg? Dr. Dre
"Dad, could you lend me your chair? I'm fixing the table." "Sorry, son. I'm not feeling particularly chairitable today."
I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.
Japanese gardener gets tired of being bossed around by homeowner You think he say "Leaf me alone", but he say "Fuck you, homeowner, fuck you..."
ME: It would ring, and we would... Answer it. TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS? ME *staring into the distance* We never did...
You guys hear about the new Lebron James phone? It only vibrates, it doesn't have a ring.
What is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? A pervert wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on his face.
I was in the midst of telling dad jokes when.. he had a heart attack and died.
Her: I have a marathon coming. Me: Ooh, which show?
Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
*toddler screaming in car seat* Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home. Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
What's it called when a hippy hangs himself? Tie-die
What's the difference between... A gold fish and a mountain goat? One mucks about the mountain. What's the difference between a police batton and a magician's wand? One is used for cunning stunts.
I told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.
I once saw this funny porno.. I was laughing so hard.
Monkey: "We're not so different" Me: "Did that monkey just talk to me" Monkey: "Monkey noise" Me: "Did it just say 'monkey noise'?"
I hate when kangaroos say they're going to "hop in the shower" and expect you to laugh like you've never heard it before.
Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I had a pun about insanity.. ..but I lost it
I pay all my bills in loose coins... I've been told to change my ways.
January 20, 2017 The day America expires.
Did anyone else think that... Mel Gibson's remake of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't nearly as funny as the original?
I did a theatrical performance on puns.. it was a play on words.
Justin Bieber is going to Hillsong Church conference. We'll see if they make a believer out of him or if he make Beliebers out of them.
What do you do if you see a bloody baby running through your yard? Stop laughing and reload?
I was trying to think up some squirrel puns. But, they were all too nutty.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?? Yeah, it runs in your jeans...
How do you confuse Helen Keller? You tell her to read a basketball.
How many reporters does it take to get a headline with ISIS?
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered six offender
There was a documentary on TV about the world's smallest car. I couldn't get into it.
What did one math book say to the other math book? We've got a lot of problems.
I've finally stopped drinking for good. And I've started drinking for evil.
Why did the spanish man's boat sink? Ola
Even with 4 million subscribers, /r/jokes sounds like a big empty hall. I can hear jokes echoing again and again.
How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach? It isn't hard
A rolling stone... somebody pushed it.
I was about to tell a hilarious joke about chemistry.. ..but last time I did, I couldn't handle the reactions.
Michelle Wolf on A Friend's Pregnancy One of my friends is pregnant. And I'm really excited. Not for the baby but because she's one of my skinniest friends.
Lazy person fact #4523974903 You were too lazy to read that number.
What did the redditor say to the other redditor? Yes.
[having sex] Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS! Her: USE YOUR HANDS! Me: *raises the roof*
Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock Knock KNOCK KNOCK. Who is there? The pilot.
My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!
How do you stop your laptop batteries from  running out? Hide their trainers.
Scientists have discovered a Gene that makes women more receptive to threesomes It's a recessive gene though, so both parents have to not love her for the trait to manifest.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Headgear Barbie ...guaranteed to make kids with braces feel  better!
HEY DISNEY: If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly, why'd it fall off? Yeah, time to do some critical thinking.
Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.
Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.
What did they call Hitler when he swam? Adolfin
Luke use the father - Nuke I am your force Yay twist on words, so funneh. My friends says i'm hilarous.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates, they'll kill your dog.
What do you call a smart ant ? Elegant !
Can we just start calling all the reality shows "America's Got Problems?"
As a California resident, I know autumn and Christmas are coming only because of the change in the featured Starbucks flavors.
I'm a bisexual who just broke up and is now single. I guess you could say I'm on standbi.
What did the Annoying Orange say on Fox News? "We're going to build a wall"
I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right? *Trips over the cat*
Whats the difference between Donald Trump and a Vacuum? Nothing. Both are really loud, and full of shit.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
The first time I got up close and personal with a girl was round the back by the school bins. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't looked into that rubbish bag.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
"Dad, why couldn't the doctors save grandpa's life? "Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin"
I don't do Botox anymore cause when I can't make my angry face, people just assume it's ok to talk to me.
"So, how's life in North Korea?" "Well, I can't complain!"
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that "Caitlyn Jenner" was not a valid answer.
In a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to go to bed? The big hand touches the little hand.
What do you get when you get in a fight with the Los Angeles Lakers lead point scorer? Kobe beef
A zen student asked his master: "Is it okay to use email?" "Yes", replied the master, "but with no attachments."
On phone: GF: We're breaking up... Me: I can hear you fine! GF: It's not you, it's me... Me: Did you get a new provider? GF: Kinda... Bye!
ODE TO TWITTER Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder where you are, Twitter changed you to a heart, I don't think they're very smart
Doctor Doctor I snore so loud I  keep myself awake Sleep in another room then!
What's the best way to hunt for deer? Driving at midnight.
at the gym...what machine can i use to impress a lady??..gym instructor:try d atm machine by the road..
Do you know why I only date black girls? Because I hate the awkwardness of meeting a girlfriend's dad
Donald Trump Is proof that Willie Wonka had sex with the Oompa Loompas.
I put my blood sweat and tears into making this Red cordial
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, it would be a chicken sedan
Knock knock Who's there? No one. You imagined the knocking due to mental illness brought on by crushing loneliness.
Two peanuts walking down the street... one gets *assaulted*.
I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight I'm okay with that. After all, 6lbs, 3oz, is just not realistic.
When the Williams sisters' play against each other, who sits in Venus's box? Old Dick i.e. Richard Williams, her dad
"Wanna see a movie?" "Can't. Don't exist yet." "Shit." (1700s)
[loud bar] Her: I have to urinate Me: What? H: Urinate M: What? H: URINATE! M: Well, YOU'RE a 10! H: Huh? No! You're like a 5. I gotta pee.
What is it called when you butt dial from your front pocket? A cockadial
Why did the kid punch the bed? His mother told him to hit the hay.
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return. What a stressful day!
changed my voice settings to Spanish on my gps it told me i didn't have enough people in the car
Why didn't the skeleton ask out the Zombie to go to the Halloween party? He didn't have the guts
How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question. Idiots can't screw in lightbulbs regardless of help from other idiots.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad Me: I know GF: What'd you get? Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes
Black children never know the joy of finding their name in a personalized keychain display.
Felix Baumgartner's 127,000 ft jump becomes world's greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump
Two nudists philosophers were sitting around when one of them asked the other, "Have you read Marx?" The other one replied "Yes, I think it's the wicker furniture".
Why was Simba unable to save his dad in the Lion King? He couldnt Mufasa enough.
So I was dating this girl... ...she was so posh, every time she had an orgasm she'd scream: "I'm arriving!"
What's the difference between and egg and a wank? You can beat a an egg but you can't beat a wank.
Some people want Puerto Rico to become the 51st State... I say let's do it, and find two more new states. Then we'd have 53 states. A nice PRIME number... ONE NATION - INDIVISIBLE
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter's room]: Yo, turns out grandma's heart is weak af.
Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An Investigator
Let's Play Communist Monopoly! Oh wait...
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven." -Kristoff
What's the difference between r/circlejerk and r/The_Donald? No really. What is it?
What do you say when your opponent resigns after you take their queen? Sorry mate.
My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.
I live for the nods pedestrians give when you stop to let them cross.
What did the Banana say to the other Banana? You're very appealing
Why did the Pharaoh Build a Statue of Himself? Because he Sphinx he's the best.
If at first you don't succeed, it's called 'Attempted' Murder.
My girlfriend and my motorcycle have something in common. The faster I accelerate the ride, the more likely I am to break my crotch.
Why did the blond snort NutraSweet? She thought it was diet coke.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.
George W. G. Ferris Jr. designed and constructed the first Ferris Wheel. He saw much potential in his new invention, he said, "This will revolutionise circus attractions!"
A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel between you legs right?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, Matey! It drives me nuts!"
I'm never gonna tell the person I'm meeting up with that you said hi.
Why did the KKK member fail his calculus class? Because he didn't believe in integration.
*looks through telescope* *telescope thinks you're looking at him and waves* *you wave at Jupiter behind* *telescope awkwardly lowers hand*
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday! 
I'm allergic to alcohol... Every time I drink it, I break out in handcuffs...
I don't want to learn karate but I really need a new belt
The guy who invented throat lozenges just died... I heard there will be no coffin at his funeral.
Did you hear the one about the constipated math teacher? She worked it out with a pencil.
My buddy just got a supercomputer. Thing's about as big as a room. That shit Cray.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
One time I read a LunarBaboon comic that didn't make me cry. Actually, it did. I lied about the feels.
Why are cowboy hats curled up on the sides? Cowboys can sit three abreast in the front seat of a pickup truck that way.
What happened when the Italian chef died? He pasta way
The substance was mildly acidic on the pH scale It was a solid 5/7
Girlfriends are like Gym Memberships You have it, you just never pay attention to it.
How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!
The iPhone 8 probably won't even have a phone in it.
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet....
Knock knock... Who's there? Dunup Dunup who?
A lettuce, a tomato and a pumpkin had a race The pumpkin fell down squash. The tomato tried to ketchup, but the lettuce came out ahead
WHAT DO WE WANT!? A forum for passive aggressive behavior! WHEN do we want it? NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I keep hearing this phrase a lot around here: Echo Chamber
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield's, I'd probably shit my pants.
What can you use to fill your butt crack? Ass-fault
Why hasn't there been a woman on the moon yet? it doesn't need cleaned.
What do you call a censored DMX song? A really good instrumental
I just finished reading a scholarly book exploring the African American experience in samurai culture- I highly recommend it! It's titled, "Ninja, Please."
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
How does a person with less than 50 dollars become a millionaire? Knawledge!
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side ripped off by a shark? He's all right now.
Was shopping at Target the other day.... ...and thought...If a terrorist was gonna attack...This would be the perfect target
I beat my wife at dominoes last night... She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.
Worst trigonometry joke I know. Actually, I won't bother telling it, it's too obtuse.
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out * Hmmm... * apologizes to the dryer *
I have a friend who says he's a pothead but only takes one hit and then he's stoned. He's not a pothead, he's a mari-wanna be.
Rick Astley Will Lend You... Any of the Pixar films in his movie collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
drinking english beer is like having sex on a boat fucking close to water
What's the best thing about screwing twenty one year olds? There are twenty of them.
What do you call the son of Kim jong-un? Kim jong-deux
If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress
What is a monkeys favorite candy? Rhesus species
Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me.  Do you tell lies? Young witch: No but I can pick it up.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you've dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I'm currently preparing for a role It's a cinnamon roll.
Why was the Taiwanese business man so stressed out? Because he had a Taipei personality.
It's like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
OneTwoTheee cat and UnDuTwa cat had a swimming race. OneTwoThree cat won... Because UnDuTwa cat sank. I'll see myself out.
Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
Guy : Damn Girl, are you a newspaper? Girl : No, Why? Guy : Because there is a new fucking issue with you every day.
Gentleman My penis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down.
"Hello, 911" Help I'm being murdered! "Can you put the murderer on please" what "Gotta hear both sides"
What do girls and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
How do the Greeks seperate the men from the boys? A crowbar.
My Roomba sucked up some cocaine & cleaned the entire house in 5 mins. Now my jewelry's missing & the Roomba's trying to bang the blender.
I'm texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Back to Yo mama jokes Yo momma so fat kids had to run around her for track and field!
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One... or two? One... or two?
Q: What do you call 55 men watching the superbowl? A: Pittsburg Steelers
Still trying to convince my boss that I'm just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
A masked insurgent goes home The insurgent knocks on the door. "Who is it?" asks a young woman The insurgent replies: "I, sis"
How many egocentrics does it take to change a light-bulb? Me, and only me!
How do mesquite trees get taller? They stand on their mesqui-toes!
Walmart has an alarming amount of security camera video with me humping stuff with a swimming pool noodle.
Is a man more intelligent before, during or after sex? During. Because you're plugged into the know it all
What is Weird Al Yankovic's favorite pick up line? Hey, so are you familiar with my parodies? Yeah my PAIR O DEEZ NUTS!!!
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus ? On squid row !
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and  sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
If the Pope could smell my farts right now he'd cancel Christmas.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You're like a superhero! Dad: Nice try. You're still not getting the Internet password.
Which bird ran for President? H. Ross Parrot
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn't mean the camera they found is mine
At what point does CPR become necrophilia? When you're both stiff
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultrygeist!
What is it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian bale.
My fortune cookie reads "I peed in your fried rice" and it's hand written...
What do you call a cowshed in Arabic? A Mubarak
Why did the kid run across the freeway? To show his friends he had guts. And boy, did he have guts.
Police called me at work! The officer said a burglar broke into my house and drank all my beer, then raped my wife. I said, "WHAT?????!!!!! He fucked my wife after only 5 beers???!!!"
How do your trigger a SJW? Oops.
Buddy of mine asked what will happen if Trump got elected... I replied, "There will be hell toupee"
If i had a dollar for every time i heard the word trump I would have it on repeat while i slept.
What do you call it when an Eevee (Pokemon) evolves into what you want with no interruptions? DirecTV (Say it aloud)
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
A guy is fingering his girlfriend... ...after a while, she starts to shift uncomfortably and says "would you mind taking your ring off, please?" The guy responds: "what ring? That's my wristwatch!"
God, I hate homeless people They make no cents...
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick into a girls ass.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? At 69 she always gets a frog in her throat.
Security is going to be heightened at all showings of Star Wars.......... out of the fear of all apple geniuses and IT technicians being simultaneously taken out.
Well, here goes nothing ...
TIL that the Beatles had to change the lyrics to Hello Goodbye because it was too "british". The original was "Oi Mate Piss Off"
I have a rather unique talent. You can give me any girl's name and I know a song for that name. Try me!
Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for the day... Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just kidding, feminist hate change
After seeing the disaproval of gay Jokes I might as well say that handicap jokes are also horrible and rude. I just can't stand them.
I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don't want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Are you okay? Yes Did you take your cold medicine? Umm yes Why are you so nervous? I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My friends all say I'm extremely condescending... ...that means I talk down to people.
My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right So I packed her bags and left.
Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant
what's the difference between fish and meat? yer not supposed to beat yer fish -Red Fox
My local bar had an amateur magic night, a gay magician sat on a bar stool and made it disappear. Thank you, I'll walk myself out.
I am pro animal rights, but I don't get why PETA campaigns against cosmetic testing on animals. Don't animals have the right to feel sexy, too?
Why Does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? For drizzle, my nizzle. :D
Have you seen that movie Constipated? It hasn't come out yet.
My child's first name Is going to be look
Why are fishermen so good at geometry? Cause they're good anglers.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket. Novice dad reaction: "You ruined your pants." Veteran dad: "Thank God. I thought it was poop."
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
The wife asked me, "When you're on a business trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from cumming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates. The good ones are already taken.
My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that's kinda neat.
Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP Clown 1: My VW Bug. I'm driving the carpool. It's Streisand.
I don't try to be awesome, awesome tries to be me.
What do you call a car that eats other cars? A carnivore.
My halloween costume this year is a period... I'll show up late and scare the shit out of everyone
E-cigs are fedoras for your mouth
What kind of line gets thicker and thinner at the same time? A line of marathon runners
What's the best way to make friends? Go up to a girl and say that you love her.
What is the main attraction at a Nazi Theme park? Genoslide.
What do you call a drawing of Ketchup? Sketchup
What did the banana say to the vibrator? I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me.
What did the Jewish baby say to the Rabbi? Keep the tip.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Did you know that protons have mass? &gt;Yes Well I didn't even know they were Catholic!
Raping someone on an elevator... is wrong on so many levels
Even the stick figure woman on my wife's back window has a headache.
I bumped in to the back of a car on the way to work A dwarf got out, absolutely fuming and exclaimed 'I'm not happy!' To which I replied, 'Which one are you then?'
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three ho's.
"Well guys, I gotta get going." -Why? "My wife hits me if I don't wash the dishes." -And you *let* her hit you? "OF COURSE NOT!!! I always wash them."
I would really appreciate it if everyone great would stop dying
[pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*
Have you heard of the band 1023 Megabytes? Probably not. They haven't made a gig yet.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave "quicker"
Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? Because it was two tired.
A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen. Only God knows what the other one does with it.
How do you identify the head waitress at a restaurant? She's the one wearing knee pads.
How did the hipster make it to the front page? He did it before it was cool
Something about everything sucks.
PSA: Don't get a cheap circumcision. Usually, it's a rip-off.
Why was the sun wearing sunglasses? So he could creep hard on uranus
Did you hear about the guy who tried to drown his wife with cough syrup before finally strangling her to death? He was jailed for pre-medicated murder.
Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator? Because they all add up!
This is shit Said the winner of world anagram championship
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was "reduced fat" so basically it was like going to the gym.
Most commonly asked question at a jewish bakery. How much does the challah cost?
If you want to mess up some bodies knock knock joke? It's open!
What's the difference between telling a good joke and sex? Dunno. I'm pretty shit at both.
"IF YOU'RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON--" "stop rapping, Grandma" "--I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN'T ONE"
What do you do if a black man is harassing you? Tell his owner.
I'm the hier to the Tampax fortune Soon I'll have more blood money than African warlords.
What's the difference between black people and cancer? Cancer can get Jobs.
What do you call tension in the percussion section? Druma
6 and 7 are hanging out. 6 says "you wanna grab a drink?" 7 says, "Nah, I aint ate yet."
How do you annoy someone from r/Jokes? [deleted]
Died twice today Screw you daylight savings
I only drink on special occasions... Luckily for me, I just broke my record for consecutive days alive today
Dad, What is your favorite music genre ? Elevator music
Stuck in my first infinite loop: two Canadians saying sorry to one another.
I like my coffee how I like my employees Free and Black (I know this joke is around but I feel like this is the best wording) Don't downvote because it's racist, it's still a joke
Is it normal for your right testicle to be larger than your other two?
The Mens Rights subreddit did a poll to show how diverses their users are. They are 80% Single, white, 18-24, american males. HAHAHAHAHAHA
The recipe said to crush the garlic So I told it, "You'll never amount to anything!"
Why do Hutus hate Dustin Hoffman? He impersonated a Tootsie.
when Life teaches you a lesson make lessonade! im tired
[Date] "I'm going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there's six."
Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list
Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl? Government: Sorry, no Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets? G: Lol, of course
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile Robin.
Margins: they're so edgy.
One day, someone is going to hold you so tight, that all of your broken pieces fit back together.
Why are Asian students so smart? Because they keep trying to take Engrish classes but end up in Engineering.
Billy and his dad. Billy's dad walks into his room and says "Billy, if you don't stop masturbating you're going to go blind." To which Billy replies, "Hey Dad, I'm over here!"
I like my women the way I like my milk... Four months old and smelling like fish.
[job interview] "What's your biggest weakness?" "My honesty" "I don't think-" "I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night"
Why did the man call his horse Fleabag? Because he was often scratched!
Where do you find a quadriplegic? There where you left him.
A sarcastic thumbs-up is a good substitute for the middle finger.
I want Ebola... cereal
So I asked my friend what its like to live in Switzerland.. He said It's pretty cold but the flag is a huge plus
Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes
Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.
This post is NSFW Jim brought a sword into the office.
I've had second thoughts about masturbation... On one hand, it feels great. On the other hand, you don't feel a thing.
What a kid I got I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. 'creds: Rodney Dangerfield'
It's really only a matter of time before Lady Gaga gets Justin Beiber pregnant.
Brigadier Popcorn was recently demoted. He is a colonel now.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute. The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again Edit-1 hopefully she/he washes it
What's the difference between a washing machine and a virgin? A washing machine doesn't follow the guy around for 2 weeks after he drops a load in it.
How do you turn a duck into a chart topping soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers
Tell me a joke. Make me laugh I need to hear a joke make me laugh please
My family was so poor we couldn't afford toys... So my mom would cut holes in our pockets so we'd have something to play with.
The best joke that I have ever heard :) And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life" But John came fifth, and won a toaster
What kind of fruit always has a wedding_ A cantaloupe.....
Happy Fat Tuesday... Or as your mother calls it, just another day.
Whenever I use idioms in the wrong context... ...people look at me as if I'm as thick as thieves!
What did the lonely clock say to the other? I hope you have the time tic come toc to me
Hey girl, are you the final scene in the Sopranos? Because
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying 'I Woke Up Like This' I resist the urge to say I'm sorry about that.
What does a duck say when it goes to the doctor? Quack
What is a sorority girl's favorite type of cheese? Feta
One Night Stand This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!
I had to quit my job as a refurbished dildo salesman due to the recent influx of gay customers. Things have been pretty shitty lately.
What's a similarity between anal sex and spinach? If one or the other was forced upon you as a child, you won't like it as an adult.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office... ... Wearing nothing but cellophane pants. The doc says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay money to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle.
what is the funniest number? 69, cuz its also the name of a sex move.
I like my women like I like my whiskey 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
If Linkin Park was to describe photons: "[...] But in the end, it isn't even matter."
It's Friday night, you know what that means! I'm going to get loaded and tweet a bunch of stupid shit and then delete it all tomorrow. Yay!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a black person? I don't know either, but it would be great at picking cotton.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Which chord do pedophiles like the most? A minor
What's the difference between Reddit and the 1984 Universe? You can leave Reddit.
Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
What makes Mercy such a good medic? It must be her high heals.
The butcher is introducing his wife to some friends... so he says "Meet Patty!"
What happened to the Christian family when they didn't pay their exorcist? THEIR HOUSE GOT REPOSSESSED!
How do you start a Rave in Ethiopia? Staple food to the ceiling.
So, there was an earthquake in Georgia. Guess your mom had a good Valentine's Day.
The inventor of dog treats died earlier on today. He was a good boy. Yes he was.
Trees Why couldn't the tree answer the trivia question? It was stumped.
My girlfriend became depressed because she thought she was a failure and was letting me down. Encouragingly, I told her, "If at first you don't succeed, keep sucking until you do suck seed."
Why did the dyslexic butcher feel left out? He felt like he just didn't belong-a (bologna)
Why was Yoda afraid of the number Seven ... ? ... because *six seven ate*
In our fridge there is condensed milk, evaporated milk, vanilla and eggs. So I put a sticker on it saying, "Warning: Highly Flannable."
I like my women like I like my coffee... ...without a penis.
Why couldn't the Great Ape tell a story? Because he doesn't have a tail.
Two fish in a tank... ...one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"
The only reason I ever get any women is because of who I am A rapist.
What do Hurricane Matthew and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV
I'm starting a plumbing supplies/computer software store. It will be called "Shits &amp; Gigs."
Q: How do French poodles greet each other? A: Bone-jour.
LPT: If you're considering trying BDSM with your SO, don't start at a costume party. Oops wrong sub
The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.
I ordered a little salad before my meal and my body started to twitch. I told my waiter, but I forgot I ordered the seizure salad.
The latest research shows that... Research is pointless.
Non-technical people, here's a secret. We tech folks have no idea what the problem is. We just try to narrow it down, removing variables.
Where did the general put his armies? In his SLEEVIES!!!
[riddle] What's yellow and curved? What's yellow and curved?
What did Russia say to Ukraine? Crimea River
Did you know that Boy George's pet reptile bit 7 people today?! I think he needs a calmer chameleon
Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes "Let's eat punctuation".
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn't ring* sure i'll get 1 more chicken
What do you call an Internet mystery? An e-nigma.
Its too expensive to put up Christmas lights these days. I'm just going to hire a bunch of Mexicans to sit on my roof with flashlights.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I tell women I can't open that jar because I have a headache.
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Don't say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish
Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player
No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.
Did you hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he
My middle finger gets a boner whenever I think of you.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? "Dam."
Worst Joke Ever Two whales are sitting in a bar and one whale says "eeeyyoooo eeeeyyy yyeeooo oooyyy ooeeeee" and the other whale says "Shut up Steve, you're drunk."
What do you call a witch who climbs up walls? Ivy.
Did yoy hear what happened to the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
Why did the chef take a job at a soup kitchen? Because they had great stock options.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
It would suck to have writer's block but then come up with a great idea for a suicide note.
Know-it-alls think themselves a fountain of knowledge. In truth they are an oil spill of knowledge... Unwelcome and hard to get rid of.
What is the only thing easier to break than a Razer headset? Your sister's hymen.
I saw Jesus going to the bathroom today. Holy shit.
Hey girl... You must be pretty massive because I'm (gravitationally) attracted to you.
Did you know that no matter how much you move a piece of paper, It remains stationary...
A farmer planted a crop of puns They were home groan.
What do you get when you cross Godzilla, saved by the bell, and crystal meth? Go go power rangers!
The ultimate aphrodisiac? Rohypnol "An aphrodisiac is a substance that increases sexual desire" Sources: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphrodisiac http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flunitrazepam
What goes clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop? An Amish drive by shooting.
You can't run through a campground... ...you can only ran, because it's passed tents.
TERRORISM ALERT!!! I'm gonna blow up the comments section
April Fools Day is ONLY for singles. The married have their anniversary .
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Why couldn't JFK be a boxer? He couldn't take shots to the head.
You can tell a lot about a person by their car.... For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
Why don't Junior League debutantes engage in group sex? Too many thank you notes to write afterwards.
"Don't put it on my plate if you don't want me to eat it!" - me to my kid, who's crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
What do you call a naked Winnie-The-Pooh Pooh-nography
We're hosting a charity event for the people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, do let me know.
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar... What, it could happen...
I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
[wife enters as I'm doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It's not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group... Perhaps calling it 'spastic on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...
Research shows that smoking pot does not make you paranoid. But I highly doubt it.
my penis so big.... it goes from A to Z on the keyboard
Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell bad.
I refuse to worry about wrinkles anymore. Besides, the botox I used on my scrotum burned and just made my balls look surprised all the time.
Croquet is a great game If you have the balls for it.
If you were writing a TV show about politics and wrote it w/the storyline of this election people would write it off as unbelievable.
My wife accused me of pedophilia... So I dropped her right back in her stroller, and walked out.
Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers "smooth criminal" and moonwalks away
So two guys walk into a bar... and the third one ducks.
How do you know that William Wallace is normally distributed? 'Cause he has infinite degrees of FREEEEEDOM!!!
I once went to a Reddit restaurant unfortunately all of the servers were busy
Me: Hey, I'm here for the playdate. Her: Where's your son? Me: Oh he didn't want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
I want to get a dog and name it Syndrome. So that every time he gets on my couch, I can yell "DOWN SYNDROME"
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you. Her: awww. Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole* "we're out of cereal."
What is the dairy farmer's favorite exercise? Calf Raises.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
What do you get when a cow has sex with coffee? Decalf
"Good morning, Urology Department... Can you hold?"
That moment when you're driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you're in the Atlantic Ocean.
This is not a dad-joke It's a bad-joke
Children are the ultimate invaders: they steal all your resources & then try to convince the original inhabitants to worship their weird art
what did the proud cheerleader say after she screwed the whole. basketball team? I never knew I had it in me.
The Subjunctive mood is pointless. If I were to create a language, I wouldn't include it.
*makes doctors appointment* *arrives 20 minutes early* *waits in doctors office for 7 hours*
My GF was triggered when I chased the big black birds away from my bird feeder because what I wanted to see was tits. She said it was my crow aggression.
How many feninists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Because feminists can't change anything.
What does a vampire call a hemophiliac? Diarrhea.
[death row] GUARD: Ok, here's your last meal. Bon appetit. CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
That moment when the bus runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it!
Why did the baker have smelly fingers? Because he kneaded a poo.
What do you call four mexicans drowning? Quattro sinko.
Canada is so sexist! Why isn't there a Womanitoba
Why do Americans suck at DOTA2 ? because they are bad at defending towers   
What did the hungry terrorist say when he went on a vacation to Hawaii? ***ALOHA SNACKBAR***
What do you call a fat person with Tally marks on their stomach? A tally tubby.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Why wasn't Hitler invited to the picnic? Because he burnt all the Franks.
What do you call a person who wears adult diapers? Ehh, it depends.
Woman's Logic: Bikini  No problem. Bra and underwear:  OMG DON'T LOOK!!!
So I just got a new FitBit. Everytime I take the stairs instead of the elevator, I tell myself "For the watch!"
Batman: Nobody will ever know the location of the bat cave! Iron Man: Here's my home address: 10880 Malibu Point, 90265. I'll keep the door unlocked
If gingers are pale because they have no soul... Does that explain why black people have so much soul?
I got my hair cut this morning and my wife still hasn't said a thing about it. omg, I'm so mad right now I can barely breathe.
I hate when people text back "K"...I'm rarely in the mood to talk about potassium.
Optimus Prime runs on AC current He's a transformer
The inventor of autocorrect has died... The inventor of autocorrect has died. I didn't even know he was I'll
Personal trainer: So what's your goal? Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I'm not the one taking
What's the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You'd think one of them would ask me what the hell's wrong.
Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog Morse code! Dog: [taps paw] Me: What did it say?? Scientist: "Woof."
Where do Muslim people go when they die? Everywhere
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.
How will you know your sister has period? When you taste blood in your father's dick
Your eyes say "No, no!" but your ball gag says..."Mmmph! Mmmph!" Whatever, you have a boner so that's really all the affirmation I need.
I read that most accidents happen within a few miles of the house... ...so I moved
Who shot the sheriff in Jurassic park? DepuT- Rex...
Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets
My girlfriend has herpes Now it's ourpes...
I'm so horrified right now. I'm on the treadmill reading about the bombings in Syria. And my T-shirt's on backwards!
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..., Thinks to herself. "Well, some asshole's got my pen." Another you say? What's the difference between rectal and oral thermometers. Taste.
Every time I see a skidmark in my underwear... I'm confronted with the fact that I shit my pants JUST A LITTLE BIT every day.
If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think "now it's their problem."
My dad always told me to treat women like flowers. So I tore my girlfriend apart limb by limb to find out whether or not she loved me.
Baby you were beautiful Until your Photoshop 30 days trial expired
My awesomeness, is second only to my modesty!
The last fight I had with my wife was my fault. She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."
Just fell into a toilet last night and now I'm feeling really sad... Been down in the dumps all day.
What do you call a male cow masturbating? Beef Jerky
Why do Texans duel at high noon? They distrust clocks.
Our bank manager can't ride a bike any more. Why not? He lost his balance.
The best curve on a woman is her smile  ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.
What do you call a British nanny with an MDMA addiction? Molly Poppins.
Did you hear about the man with five penises? Condom fit like a glove
How does a fencer earn their karma? Ripostes.
When I manage a troupe of Eastern European acrobats... they're going to be called "Czechs and Balances", it's the only logical choice.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory! I only took a day off!
Two random variables were talking in a bar They thought they were being discrete but I heard them continuously.
What part of a football pitch smells nicest ? The scenter spot !
What did one gay sperm say to the other? How are we going to get through this shit
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
We see you, guy who "doesn't want any pizza," contributes no money, then eats 6 slices when it arrives. We see you, and God sees you.
If ISIS were a Pokemon, which would they be? Voltorb; they're always using self destruct
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a library.... The librarian stops them. "What, do you think this is a BAR?"
If "the word impossible is not in your vocabulary", you have a pretty limited vocabulary.
Why did the female asteroid deny her boyfriends marriage proposal? Because she was scared of comet-ment
We all know that light travels faster than sound. That's why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Republicans: Don't let Syrians in! Trump: Don't let ANY Muslims in! Republicans: TOO FAR (dude be cool, we've got an election to win)
My life would be so much easier if it wasn't for that thing...God, what is that thing called...other people.
A person died laughing... This tale is told posthumously.
Today I found out my roommate was pansexual... Needless to say I was pretty shocked when I woke up and found him in bed with all of our kitchenware.
Did you hear that a survivalist got roasted yesterday about his unemployment? Yeah, a Bear Grilled Bear Gryll's Bare Bills
I like my coffee like I like my women... Ground up and in the freezer
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa knows to stop after three Ho's.
What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef? "Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"
"What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?" I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.
You guys talk about sex like it's so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Clearly, there was once a dangerous alternative to Safeway.
Did you guys hear about that pastor who refused to perform a Full House themed lesbian wedding? Apparently he didn't want to marry Kate and Ashley.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? [chokes]
Wait...the "S" in ASAP doesn't stand for "Slowly?" Shit. This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
What's the difference between a battery and a women? The Battery has a positive side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Your mom xDDddd
I have the body of a god. Too bad that god is Buddha.
A mayor bans people living in his town from being buried in the local cemetery They have to be dead first
I was accused of illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia I told them I could explain everything
There's two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "it's getting pretty hot in here". The other muffin turns and says "Ahhh! Talking muffin!"
Bought a receiver for 99.75 $ yesterday Got a quarter back
When my Mom found out I had asthma she sent me to a camp for Asthmatic children. It was so much fun.. singing songs around the Humidifire. ( yes I know how I spelt it )
When someone tells me to have a safe flight it's like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
My neighbor poked my eyeball out so I asked for an iPhone 7 as a compensation An i for an eye as they say
To the "Girls gone Wild" girls: When flashing your boobs try not to stick your tongues out. It makes you look trashy.
A skeleton walks into a bar ... ... he says " Gimme a Beer ... and a Mop !
I spent 69 years making memes in a musty dungeon. They were pretty dank.
Wait in a dressing room until an employee comes to ask if they can help. Answer yes, pause, then say, "But I need to be able to trust you"
I was going to right down a joke about espousal abuse... But my hand was too sore
How many immigrants does donald trump need to change a lightbulb? None because no juan will be left to change it
Why did Jared from Subway call Boyz2Men? He thought they had delivery service.
How many children does it take to change a light bulb in America? About 1 thousand Iraqis.
What's better than having sex with a 9 year old Vietnamese boy? Nothing.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.
I am suicide bomber AMA Wow this blew up fast.
It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime.
Why can't they use PC's as word-processors in Poland? The screens keep on filling up with white-out.
Korean response to Dogs Wearing Pantyhose, A Popular New Meme in China They look delicious.....I mean cute.
What's the best part of having sex with twenty-six year olds? There's 20 of them!
Called my wife a whore I called my wife a whore once during sex. She made me pay for that afterwards.
Look , it's either maybe, or maybe not. There's no middle ground.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Did you hear those loud tennis players last night? They were causing quite the racket.
If you always think the grass is greener on the other side, maybe you should water what the fuck you have and see how that works out first.
[talking to daughter's art major boyfriend] "You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan."
You ever notice how many narcissistic pirates there are? Everyone I meet won't stop saying Aye!
[OC] Why couldn't the dragon breathe fire? He had a cold
Why can't Mexicans play Uno? Because they steal all the green cards.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual.
What's white and flies through the air? The second cumming.
Q: What's the best way to accelerate a Mac? A: 9.81 m/s2
Asian women like riding short yellow *buses*. AKA asian dick.
I'm all "class". The first two letters really aren't necessary.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
What weighs 20 times a North Korean? Kim Jong Un.
What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!
No one J.D. should have all that power and associates.
What do the French call a bad Thursday? A tra-jeudi.
Because it's funny! What do you call a stripper you pay with noodles? A PASTATUTE!!!
What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper? They circle Uranus searching for clingons.
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese
Why did the child have two black eyes? Because telling them once wasn't enough.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!
I used to be good friends with my bartender But now our relationship is on the rocks
The Cleveland Browns Title says it all
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"
Great Russian Joke What's the difference between a shark and Vladimir Putin? The shark kills to eat, while Putin kills to "AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!" "Thump" ...silence...
My best friend got cheated on by his deaf girlfriend... His girlfriend cheated on him with a deaf guy... To be fair, he should've seen the signs.
What time did the man go to the dentist Tooth hurt-y
I play online Simpsons trivia games against little kids in foreign countries and I lose
I like my women like I like my friends Exploitable
Woman goes to the vet because her Great Dane keeps jumping on her when she is in the shower... VET: Ok, so want him Neutered? Woman: No, declawed.
Why doesn't Superman like the Mummy? Because the Mummy's always saying, "I'll be in the crypt tonight."
Why did the blonde call the welfare  office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
What do you call a green man sitting on my porch? My n*gger and I'll paint him whatever color I want.
I had no shoes and I complained. Until I met a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
The teacher asked Tom to make a sentence using "frequent". Tom: foxes frequent the nearby forest. The teacher asked: did you copy this from a dictionary? Tom: no. In the dictionary, it is wolves.
How do I apply this ointment "liberally" without compromising my conservative christian values?
Sick at home with a temperature. Girlfriend says why are you so hot, "I don't know I was born that way".
I once had a job with elephants The pay was low, but the tips were huge.
My father always had affectionate nicknames for my older sister and me She was *oops*, and I was *oh shit*
How does Hitler separate his juice? By concentrate.
My swag dont stop cause my heelies keep rollin
What do you call a barn full of black people? Antique farm equipment. What do you call a barn full of Mexicans? Updated farm equipment
I once mowed the lawn at a battered women's shelter if you know what i mean
What spoils quicker than unrefridgerated meat? The Walking Dead's facebook page.
Say what you will about pedophiles... ...but they do slow down in school zones!
What did the hobo get for Christmas? Nothing.
Welcome to White Privilege 101, if you have no idea why you're here that's exactly why you're here.
Don't look at me like that, Barbie. We're both stuck in this playhouse. Just drink your tea. The toddler will tell us what to do next.
Knock knock Who's there? Not victoria
Me to 4 yr old niece: your shoes are on the wrong feet Niece looks down and says: I don't have any other feet Outsmarted again.
Why did the horse stumble? He was de-stable-ized.
What's the difference between the wind and a blonde? Some days the wind doesn't blow.
I'm 25, which means I'm just as far from 10 as I am from 40. Although, in terms of money and maturity, I'm still way closer to 10.
If you ask a police dog if he's a good boy, legally he has to tell you.
If your phone gets wet put it in dry rice... at night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronic device for cheap...
The little old woman who lived in a shoe... ...wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
What do people in florida do when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it.
the kidzbop version of gangnam style is why terrorists hate us.
Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help.. She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us
What is Queen's (the band, not the monarch) favourite type of luggage? carry ooooooooonnnn, carry ooooooonnnnnnnnnn
Have you heard about that new program that only the living can watch? You'd have to be dead to miss it!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Do you file your nails? I throw mine away. -Dean Martin
A man and a woman are talking Man: I can predict the future. I know my child's last name. But you can't. Woman: Well I know my child is going to be mine.
Toddler tech support: "Did you try throwing it and crying?"
Man boobs, man perm, man purse. If you have to identify something by saying the gender, it probably shouldn't exist. Sorry if this is a bad joke I just got bored watching the WNBA.
TIL that Charlie Sheen got HIV after doing Two and a Half Men.
Those stickers of families you see on the back of mini-vans are like menus.. For sexual predators.
Do you know how to tell the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? They taste different.
Why does my son deserve some Reddit Gold? Because he's Autistic.
A blonde walks into a laundromat... And says to a worker, "can you wash this shirt?" The worker did not hear her and said "come again?" The blonde than replies "no it is mustard this time"
Picketing Prostitutes What did the picketing prostitutes chant? "Hell no, we won't blow!"
What did the buffalo say to his son before he went to college? Bison.
What do you call fast midget house cleaners? Minute maids.
I downloaded some hymns for my ipod New praylist.
I'm writing a theatrical work on puns It's a play on words.
So, did you hear what Lateesha get on her SATs? Barbecue sauce.
Africa If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquito's dying needlessly of aids.
Did you hear what happened to the man who ate too much spaghetti? He pasta way.
Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them? In memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
How is Star Trek like toilet paper? It circles Uranus looking for Klingons.
What do you get when you mix Hitler with a dolphin? Adolfphin
There are three things I can never remember.... There....um....uh....dang it! I forgot!
How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Ice cream is clearly God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Which is the meat patties' least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Terrible I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.
What do Mexicans use to cut pizza? Little Caesars.
I'll bet Johnny Depp is somewhere supercool right now, wearing 7 scarves.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
I recently got a rescue dog, but I'm not real happy with him. When I got lost while hiking, he was no help at all.
I just found out JFK was jewish. He was shot in the temple.
What's a skeleton's favorite dish? Spare ribs
What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A manila folder!!!
Hey, teenage girls, don't get pregnant. Unless you want your own TV show.
I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff... and I want it (:
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the kid? Would you like to buy some candy?
2 midgets and a black guy walk into a room, how many people are in that room? 1 and 3/5ths
You can't change a person unless they wear adult diapers
If i could have dinner with anyone alive or dead i would probably just cancel on them at the last minute
Pirate walks into a bar... Bartender says, "Is that a napkin on your head?" Pirate replies " No, it be a bounty".
You know what the doctor told the midget? You'll have to be a little patient.
"Can I replace the fries with a salad?" = "Do you mind if I spit on the American flag?"
Found in the comments to the picture of a nice looking girl He: "Could you please send me one of your pubes for me to clone?" She: "You know how to clone people?" He: "People?! God no! Just pubes."
Sir you don't need to be tailgating me I'm already going 55mph in a 35mph zone And the lights on top of your car look ridiculous
Did you hear about Han's new band? It's not as good as his solo stuff.
A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.
My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn't matter to anyone else.
I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brighton ! Brighton who ? Brighton-der the light of the moon !
what's the difference between a slut and a bitch a slut fucks everybody, a bitch fucks everybody but me ;P
A person walks into a hospital wearing nothing but plastic wrap around his genitals. The front desk clerk says "I can clearly see your nuts."
I'm no scientist, but I've long held the theory that monkeys are not as smart as humans because they don't have human brains.
Me to 6 year old trick or treater dressed as a witch: "I wish you'd cackle less" Her: Give me a snickers you old piece of shit
When someone tells me they're sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I'm always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
Q: What did the sink say to the water faucet? A: You're a real drip.
Did you hear the one about the gynecologist who was looking for a job? He could never find an opening.
Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
A man approaches a prostitute "how much for a blow job?" "$30" "Can you do 20?" "sure" "Great here's $600"
A stallion with a smoking habit kidnaps hookers. So basically a hoarse horse hoards whores.
What do gay horses eat? Horse Dick
What kind of bee can you milk? A boobie..
Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain't love darling, you got flu.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: "Isn't this pretty?" Next 3 hours: *can't remember a life before corn*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn't have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I accidentally ran over and killed my neighbor's cat today... I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying "curiosity was here."
Did you hear about that religious airline? Their prophets are soaring
My Starbucks guy just said, "Looks like you had a rough night!" ...I didn't even go out.
TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves Ohh wait they can knot.
Waiter: I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Your soup will be ready soon. Customer: What bait are you using?
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? Lickit Lickit
im tired of things costing money
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Did you hear about the Italian that died? He pasta way
Trump won the presidency and 1... 2... POOF! The Mexicans were gone without a tres
30/05/2016 Whenever i have sex, it's a race to see who comes first. Me or the police
Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam." I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?" She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
A pirate walks into a bar With a ships wheel on his belt. The bartender asks, "What's the wheel for?" The pirate replies, "Arrr it's drivin me nuts!"
Donald Trump seeks total and complete ban on algebra because he thinks that it may be related to alqaeda
#Parenthood Throwing a ball to a two year old is like....well...playing "throw a ball and go get it yourself"....
Yo mama so poor... ...she can't even pay attention!
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, "Thank god I'll be dead by the time you grow up."
Which boxer did Darth Vader put his money on in the fight? The Thai fighter
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
What do you call and Irish person who stays outside all night? Paddy O'Furniture
Why are black men taller than white men? Because their knee grows.
How do cows talk to each other? They cowmoonicate.
Q: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde? A: A dick.
I bet the guy who named it The Big Bang was super horny that day.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.
What kind of shoes do they wear in Holland? Wooden shoe like me to tell you. [Props to my 8-year-old daughter for this one]
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it's me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Did you hear about the man in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charges ?
Why did the Tumblr killed the Reddit fan? Because Reddit SUCKS.
Two snakes Snake one asks "Hey man, are we venomous?" Snake two responds, "Extremely. Why do you ask?" "Because I just bit my tongue"
What did the crowd say when I finished my country name puns? East Timor?
Why aren't there any jokes about Jim Jones? The punchlines are too long.
Was giving a door counselling. We didn't get anywhere at first but he soon opened up to me.
Oops. Everyone brought their "see you next year"s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian Well...now they are not. Wait...
Today a girl said she recognized me from our vegetarian club, But I'm pretty sure I've met herbivore.
I said the punchline before the joke. Wanna know why I got downvoted yesterday?
"What are the names of the 3 greatest kings who have brought more happiness and peace into people's lives than anything else?" Answer: Smo-KING, drin-KING, and fuc-KING !
What does robbing a Scotsman get you? Kilt
So I says to him I says, Rectum!? Damn near killed him!
What do you get when you cross and owl with a bungee chord? My ass
What does a Jewish pedophile say? Come buy some candy kids!
I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Was starting to get romantic with a woman last night As usual I began crying uncontrollably. After getting home it took forever to wash the pepper spray off.
you know what people said about paul daniels funeral..... you know what people said about paul daniels funeral "i liked it but not a lot"
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background Don't ask me how I know
What do you call a dog with no legs? ...it doesn't matter, he isn't going to come anyways.
It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!
All this "Kaine is boring" talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
What did the cancer patient say to the nurse? [NSFW] [EDIT] I forgot the joke. Fuck.
Hard tacos are just soft tacos from the street.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it's 35 but just looks 25.
I can't stop reading things as if there were a punchline.. See what I mean?
Since the world is doing reposts. "Knock knock" you: "Who's there?" me: "hoo" you: "Who's hoo?" me: "What're you, an owl?"
why are fish good astronauts? They love trouter space!
Why do girls like vampires so much ? They still eat no matter what time of the month.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician
I just invented a new word Plagiarism.
Why does history keep repeating itself ? Because we weren't listening the first time !
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, 'Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car'
[10 PM] If I go to bed now, I'll get a full 8 hours of sleep [3AM] Siri what is a grape nut
NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I'M BRINGING BUT I'M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
after u die u do the same life again on a higher difficulty setting. more relationships fail and more loved ones die. certain dogs explode
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
What did Euler find in his toilet? A natural log
What do you call a Welshman who writes lots of letters ? Pen Gwyn !
Rescue attempts are being made to save a bull stranded on Mt. Everest Reports confirm that the steaks have never been higher.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice. I shall take my leave now.
My dick is so big that if I laid it out on a keyboard, it would go from A to Z. Wait, shit.
Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A. All the house plants are dead but there's something growing in the refrigerator.
What does a redditor say when he is asked "What country did the missing plane come from?" *tips fedora* M'laysia.
Who will put chick sexers out of business? broosters
chasing tornados is fun until you catch one.
Mmm piece of candy What smells like candy and tastes like fish?
I like my coffee like I like the slaves Free Edit: people down voting freed slaves?
how do I keep my skin looking so young? it's all thanks to [turns to camera smiling] an ancient curse [locusts pour from my mouth & eyes]
I've messed up, I'm gonna be arrested for crimes against light... I'm gonna be sent to the state prism!
4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed... 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.
Doctor Doctor I'm becoming  invisible. Yes I can see you're not all there!
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive I won't have a clue how to get back here
So according to this BMI chart... I am too short.
How do you get republicans to not repeal Obamacare ? Tell them Mexico is paying for it
Exam question: According to Germany how much is Greece worth? [1 Mark]
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, then my illegal logging business is a success.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were playing chess... The comedy practically writes itself.
If you ever feel as thought nobody cares about what you do Just post something with a spelling mistake in it.
Welcome to the church of vegetables... Lettuce pray.
Someone made a song about Pokeballs It was pretty catchy
My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
A girl told me she'd only date me if I had a six-pack How can I get beer if I'm under 21?
This is probably the best idea I've had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
In honor of Father's day, here is a typical dad joke. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Did you know that Christmas will fall on star wars day this year!? Guess whos coming to town?
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
What do you call a fake Chinese iPhone? A slanted-iPhone
*Comments on Facebook picture* "That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness."
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? Well, it's not hard.
I farted on an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels. From /r/PeterL
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday.
what happens to nitrogen when the sun rises in the morning? it becomes daytrogen
Why do sharks hate clowns? They taste funny
I think we should hear adeles boyfriends songs before we pick sides.
Saw an Alabama fan the other day He was wearing a t-shirt that said "I Bleed Crimson" I walked up to him and said "You big dummy, we all do"
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What do you call a really bad sausage? The Wurst.
Why do women die from suicide five times less than men? Because they can't climb high enough on the corporate ladder.
Have you heard the best dad joke? He was the groom's father. Not part of the joke: Yes I made that up in the shower this morning.
Canada Post is under heavy DDoS attack. Somebody sent 2 letters at the same time.
How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking.
Hey people who cold call my cell phone: I've got a better way for you to make money with your mouth.
I will be learning Hebrew in Jew course...
Hitler was't that bad of a guy He did kill Hitler after all.
Why did the bread machine go to see a therapist? It was too self-loafing.
A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.
I can tell a dude is gay by what kind of music he is playing when I walk in on him banging another dude.
What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives? A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!
Want to hear something really cool? Ice.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out] Dammit [bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out] DAMMIT
Why did the ghosts haunt the bar? For the boos.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
How do you make a chocolate omelette? With Easter Eggs!
Sometimes a tough situation is best described... As being between Iraq and hard place.
What do you call a cow who just gave birth? Decalfeinated
What did the deer say when he left the gay bar? I can't believe I blew 50 bucks!
What do you get with a room full of 32 Alabamans? A full set of teeth
A hurricane is going to hit the east coast? Are you Joaquin?
I'm not racist but.. I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine" Then I realized mine is at home, polishing my shoes
Russian family conversation "Papa, can I have 10 rubl?" "20 rubl? Why you need 30 rubl!?"
Billy was a chemist's son/ But now he is no more/ 'Cos what he thought was H20/ Was H2So4.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef :-D
I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a f*cking clue what I was getting myself into. So I  politely asked her to shave it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sheltie and a cantaloupe? A: A melon collie.
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? ...because she didn't have any arms. Knock knock. (Who's there?) ...not Sarah.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney 's
Trump wins the election
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.* *Only a fraction of you will understand this.
Yeah, no, I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.
What do you call an old fruit-picker in Wisconsin? Cherry-atric
So, a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch... The bartender asks, "What the hell is that?" The pirate responds, "Arrrrr, it drives me nuts."
What do you get if cross a science fiction film  with a toad ? Star Warts !
What does a priest get when he wants pussy? Nun.
Two peanuts were walking down the street One was a salted
Why was 7 afraid of 8? Because may be 8 didn't have charging jack
What's the worst thing you can hear after giving Willie Nelson a bj? I'm not Willie Nelson.
[3am] *nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he's like a million years old.
I actually have to see a specialist for daily sex. I mean dyslexia.
Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!
What do you call a pig that murders baseball players? Babe Ruthless
WORM 911: what's ur emergency FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD WORM 911: u need medical help? FLATWORM: wait, there's 2 of me now. we're good.
Funny one liner:what is mean by Assasination There is a girl in my office.she has a kickass ass. she kills me with her ass...hope now u know,how the word 'Assasination' came into existence..
You kick one baby and everyone's like "That's not a football" and "He's not breathing, call 911." Draaaaaama.
How does Moses make his tea? He brews it.
I like my women like I like my scotch 12-14 years old
Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that? Me: In the front or back of the car?
Which American President was least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He was in a cent.
Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they can't C#
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere.
What was Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1
What kind of music do they play at Stonehenge? Hard Rock.
What have 12 legs six eyes three tails and  can't see ? Three blind mice !
Tell you what I know about dwarves very little. I can say that, they look up to me.
I am SO TIRED! I found out that my wife was the woman of my dreams..., I haven't slept in 3 years
It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.
How does Google clean their facilities? They use Google Mops.
My daughter's at that age where kids start asking awkward sex questions. Just the other day, she said "Is that the best you can do?"
"I'll be black" the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor's freezer -The Termintator
I'm going to make a porno parodying the movie "Alien" I think the tagline will be, "*In space no one can hear you cream*".
If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box...
How does a penguin make a decision? Flipper coin. Again, I shall take my leave.
My friend found out recently that he is both gay and dyslexic. He is still in Daniel.
My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic... He is still in Daniel...
gas is getting cheaper back in my day it cost two towers
This morning I had a shit that was an ornithologists dream.. It was like a thousand sparrows flying out of a hole in a tree.
My parking stub was being bitchy, argumentative, and expensive. It just wanted validation.
What do gays and republicans have in common? Both are feeling a little butt hurt after yesterdays decision.
"Did you go shopping for my birthday  present?" "Yeah and I found the perfect thing." "What thing is that?" "Nothing!"
[First date] So what do you do for a living? "I'm a florist" WHY DON'T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT'S LAVA?
What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit rollup
I think my cell mate is gay... He closes his eyes when I kiss him goodnight.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, *look what's telling me that.*
When I'm too lazy to understand something, I simply label it as "pretentious" and move on. I am an American.
If a tree falls in the forest &amp; nobody hears it... Does a hipster buy its album?
Hey Texas, in Florida it's legal to abort other people's kids up to 17 years.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I'm not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Are you a fan of nintendo? because i wanna see your amiiboobs.
The definition of agony is... A one handed man hanging on to a cliff for his dear life with itchy balls.
here's a business idea: a bed that is bigger than the biggest size bed we have currently
I have sex daily. Sorry, I meant dyslexia.
"You want to see a pig with three eyes?" A piiig
person: can you keep a secret? me: I'll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life person: oh thank god
My life is just like Black Swan, except replace ballet with reruns of Teen Mom and Mila Kunis with a carton of ice cream.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. That very same day, Chuck Norris received an award for masturbating in public.
Where does a wealthy lady reside? A womansion
Why does West Virginia have so many unsolved murders? There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.... Let the down-votes ensue :)
I went to a sea-themed disco the other day.. I pulled a muscle.
I just had sex with Jesus Christ I wasn't prepared for his second coming.
[dinner party] mario: what's in this risotto? me: mushroom, you're not allergic? mario: *grows to like 20 feet*
Didn't manage to catch any fish today... It was a failure.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places; 1/Walk slow 2/Stop for no reason 3/Repeat above
Gave someone a ride to school instead of getting coffee this morning because Mother Teresa has had all the attention long enough.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my chest
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you racist bastard.
[NSFW] Do you know who is the best at brushing their teeth? Adult males because they have experience at grasping a firm rod and moving it back and forth in a rapid motion.
*Brings axe to slumber party* "Oops. I thought you said 'lumber party'" *Knew the whole time* *Waits until they're asleep* *Chops down tree*
I received an email from Google It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."
What do a squirrel and a piano have in common ? Both can climb trees, except the piano
What do all Amish women want? 2 Mennonite.
It's black and hangs on a wire? A bad electrician!
My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs... I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...
How can you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? you clean your d*ck with the curtains
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
What is Kanye West's least favorite holiday? Easter
How many minutes equal one orgasm ? One eight year old.
Went to the store without my iPhone. Felt like I traveled back in time. Saw a dinosaur. Realized I actually traveled back in time.
What do you call a gay man's ball sack? Mud flaps.
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? Because he didn't want to fall into the cup of hot chocolate.
Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude? He always said "Neigh"
Santa should promote clean energy this year. Instead of a lump of coal he should give a can of biofuel to the bad kids.
Why can't leopards hide? Because they are always spotted!
How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook? She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.
Whats the difference between two dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day? Deja Moo!
How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but an extra 15 to repost.
I watched a documentary on hallucinogenic drugs yesterday. It's a good way to watch a documentary.
Donald Trump &amp; Mexican Are At Bar On The Boarder Mexican Grill
The crossed eyed teacher... ...had trouble controling his pupils.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline
TIL people STILL tell Chuck Norris Jokes! And that when Alexander Bell first invented the phone, he found 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
It's always good to know what's happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.
The police caught a man masturbating in public. As they were arrestng him, they told him, "You came in the wrong neighborhood."
An American soldier talks with a Russian soldier A-We get the equivalent of 3000 calories per day. R-Impossible! No man can eat 60 pounds of potatoes in one day!
A cop pulls over a redneck The cop asks "Got any ID?" The redneck scratches his head, " 'bout what?"
What do you call a snake on viagra? Rod!
Why the hell are Zach Braff, Zach Galifianakis & Zac Efron not running around Hollywood as the "Zach Pack"??? This needs to happen.
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares their dogs too much
Benedict Cumberbatch is proof that a white guy banged a cat.
Why can't atheists solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
Why did Kesha switch "$" back to an "s"? Because she no longer has a dollar to her name.
RIP to that hoodie you left at your ex-gf's house. She says she has no idea what youre talkin about but she knows. Wheres my hoodie, Denise?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say "Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?" And he can, he can hold them all.
A newly wedded desperate soldier .. A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note: Dearest Mom, If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave. :P
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
Set the bar low And watch people trip on it
Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?
I recently bought one of those Dutch ovens, but everything I cook ends up tasting like farts.
"Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?" "Not much, just working on my Theseus."
What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your undies? Your grandma.
How do you know a black woman is pregnant? When she pulls out the tampon, the cotton's been picked clean.
What did the suave frog say to the hot frog? You're ribbeting!
If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.
Why do professional product reviewers like vacuum cleaners? No matter how good or bad it is, they can truthfully say "it sucks."
Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Ever since I've downloaded Adblock, all the single girls in my area seem to have lost interest...
YOU KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PAUL WALKER AND MY COMPUTER? I ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK WHEN MY COMPUTER CRASHES.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Old school chicken joke Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and crossed the road again? Because he was a dirty double-crosser!
Did anyone see the new Irish gay pornstar? His name is Ryan Fitzpatrick
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizzas don't scream when they are put in the oven!
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa's purse] Elsa: HEY LET IT GO! Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Best Higgs Boson Joke so far Higgs Boson goes into a Catholic church. The priest says, "You're not welcome here." Higgs Boson says "You can't have mass without me."
What does a gay women look for in a man? Lesbi-honest, they don't.
Did you see the 75th annual ninja parade in downtown Tokyo? Neither did anyone else...
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive. Now picture them holding a pizza box.
A couple of my friends tried to steal a statue last night... But it turned out to be a bust.
My math teacher asked "should we trust a radical?" I said no, they ain't safe around planes.
A couple of letters drove out to the desert and took all their clothes off. They were arrested by the sands sheriff.
Wine - you're gonna sleep good Beer - you're probably going to hit on your cousin. Whiskey - everyone will see your genitals.
What's cold and scary?! I-scream!
So a neutron walks into a bar... ...And he asks the bartender "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you? Free of charge"
make it happen."
I was helping a Spanish guy load things in his car and he kept calling me names every time I did something nice. Everytime I helped him he called me a grassy-ass.
Why is the white girl so odd? Because she can't even. I'll be over in /r/dadjokes if you need me.
What up Holmes? ~Watson
That's it. I'm quitting cold turkey. But damn Thanksgiving leftovers are so good. I need my fixin's.
Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies? A: A baseball team
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece as a retirement gift for the boss.. We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee's gift card.
The jerk store called. Turns out they were just worried about me; hadn't seen me in a while. It was nice.
When in doubt, mumble.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you're in zero gravity, you don't need seats
What's a Polygon? A dead parrot.
Old man first world problem I can't use a fleshlight without first using viagara
The bar was walked into by the passive voice. From [here](http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/seven-bar-jokes-involving-grammar-and-punctuation). What are your best language jokes ?
My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.
My grandfather's favorite joke Q: How do you make a Peking Duck? A: Throw a brick at him. As my grandfather would say, "That's as funny as a crutch."
What do you call a group of crows? The end of season 5.
I'm writing a virus that puts your top porn search as your facebook status It will forever change history.
"Hey! Aren't you that guy from the village people?"  Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work... ...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.
A woman walks into a brothel, slaps down a few hundred dollars, and exclaims, "I want twelve inches, and I want them to hurt!" So the doorman smacks her face with a ruler.
Don't worry, every TV show, the audience def can't tell that your character just answered a call on his iPhone by tapping an app. We stupid.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEEYE
How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field! :p
How is anal sex like your first car? It may not be exactly what you wanted but that doesn't stop your Dad from giving it to you anyway.
What do you get when you cross a loaf of bread with a buffalo? A buffaloaf.
Does Alfred masturbate? ... No he masturwaynes
What's the worst thing you can say to a Jewish bread delivery man? What's the challah cost?
How do you stop a monster from smelling? Cut off his nose.
"If you get me to the next station I promise I'll never let you fall below half a tank again" - A Memoir
Which family in Game Of Thrones fell down the stairs? The Bannisters
machines in a casino do you know which machine is the most likely to pay out? The ATM
The subject line starts "Fwd: Re: Fwd: RE: RE: Re: ", so there's no way this isn't a complete waste of time.
A tornado is about 5 minutes away and our satellite is out. I hope our house lands somewhere where the cable works!
[High school reunion] Classmate: I've been out building schools in Africa Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
quick poll: why'd you break up with me in high school Alison
If you don't send the person you're stalking a nude photo of yourself, then you're not taking that relationship serious enough!
I had such a bad allergic reaction to a peanut today... ... that I got sued by TheFineBros.
Did you hear about the flag's birthday?  It was a Happy one!
It seems unfair that I'm bad with names but great at remembering every grotesque meaty neck I've ever had to wait behind at an airport.
Why couldn't The Doctor play baseball? They couldn't figure out Who was on first (Sorry, if this has been submitted before, im new here)
i feel like this year's fibonacci conference will be as big as the last two combined!
Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
I hate when you're trying to be cheesy but everyone is laughtose intolerant.
my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE
A blind guy walks into a bar ***thud***
Did you know 60% of all Asian men have Cataracks? The other 40% drive Mitsubishis.
A recently conducted study reveals... Birthdays are good for health people with more birthdays were found to have lived longer
My local psychic closed down... ..due to unforeseen circumstances
Where do you buy Pikmin from? The Oli-Mart
Some jerk called me "pretentious" so I called him a "planktupus." I can make up nonsense words too.
How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? He has a whale of a party!
What do you call a Mexican gondolier? Pedro.
My left hand is dominant. Sometimes it spanks my right one.
What's the difference between a regular horse and a police horse? A police horse has an extra asshole on top.
What is the difference between a dog thermometer and a human thermometer? the taste
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is "great" and "awesome."
My wife's resting in the garden. Well, at rest.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
What do you call a sea creature that murders people? A Serial Kriller.
Did you hear about the cat that wanted to be a justice on the Supreme Court? Just kitten.
Why did EA Cross the road? Buy the season pass now to find out!
Whats the square root of 69? Ate something
It isn't until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would've been a better option.
What kind of NUT would make a pie for THANKSGIVING?!? Pecan, typically.
I like my pillow like..... I like my pillow, like I like my women. Lumpy, covered in drool, and can take a punch.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
I walked into a Jamaican cafe, I was hungry and a' thirstin'. I asked the barman for a tot of navy rum and a pie of some description. He said we got no rum and no pies, no rum and no pies.
[Dark] What is a Muslims favourite phone? Galaxy Note 7 (Exploding Variant) Just kidding it's an iPhone, you racist fuck. This joke has probably already been said before, so please up-vote.
What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.
Peeing with a boner is the hardest thing to do.
Christmas tradition.
What do you call a Trump wall that's politically corrupt? A gate.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change bulbs and 3 to sit around and complain that the original was better.
What is censorship? [removed]
Why is the Statue of Liberty hollow? Because she's really French, and the French have no GUTS!
Met with a girl on tinder, Turns out her eyes were on her elbows instead of her face. She looked different than I thought she would.
mirrors can't talk. and lucky for you, they can't laugh.
What kind of underwear do the GI Joes wear? None, they go commando.
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid? Hey, wanna buy some candy?
How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dust pan and broom.
What will i do when i die? Idk!
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Poodle? If a Rottweiler starts humping your leg you let it finish.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, Dogs sure are easily amused!... ...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
People who say "Don't shit where you eat" have clearly never heard of Chipotle
This girl reckons she met me at the vegetarian club But I've never met herbivore.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You'll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
A new study found that 12 percent of married adults met their spouses online.The other 88 percent met somebody else's spouse online
Reincarnation, evolution, whatever. At some point, Larry King was a possum.
Girl: What do you like to do in your free time? Guy: I spy on people. Girl: Really? I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends. Guy: I know.
Me: Have fun on your date. Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high? Me: You really aren't my kid are you?
Warning, you'll only get this if you understand a rudimentary amount of ancient Greek. When an ancient Athenian was asked whether he preferred the sand or the sea, he replied: Tha latta
My boss is sending me abroad for a business trip next week. I hope she's a blonde.
Why are anorexic people cannibals? Because they're always putting their fingers in their mouths.
People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with "Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER."
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put "Seriously, TMI" on all the receipts.
"How about a month of obligations, overspending, difficult travel and horrible weather?" - The pitch for the month of December.
Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on mutilated corpses. The librarian says, "Do you want the Part 1 or Part 2?"
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags. People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a book? A book has papers.
What is Obama's least favourite instrument in an orchestra? The Trumppence
Why did everyone think the pie was gay? Because he blueberry.
If it wasn't for venetian blinds... It would be curtains for us all!
What is nasal sex? Fuck nose
Falafel is a weird name cuz I actually falgreat every time I eat one
From my son: What did the hippopotamus do to the magician? He hippo-tized him!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say "Hello" from the other side.
Interviewer : What are your expectations? Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job? Me : Salary
My stainless steel appliances double as police style fingerprinting kits.
I asked my friend what he does for a living. He said, "I cut the arse off a cow and cook it." At least he's making ends meet.
Needing to "loose" some weight this year isn't your biggest problem, my friend.
Did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone? The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film.
Why did the vegetable band break up? They couldn't keep the beet.
What 2 things do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? They both ate honey and they both have the same middle name.
Do you know why Jesus doesn't eat M&amp;M's? Because they fall through the holes in his hands.
Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot? Jurassic times call for Jurassic Measures.
Fellas, don't waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn't gotten me laid once.
What's the difference between spit and swallow? A firm grip on the back of her head.
Why is Donald Trump like a college football team in Tijuana? They're both slipping in the polls.
I know how to get on a flight. Thank you boarding school.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said "He's thirsty and likes to lick himself." I couldn't argue with that.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it's important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value. You know.... Squid Pro Quo
Its not my fault I have a double-chin... When God was giving out chins.. I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.
What do you call a state named after highways? Road Island.
PERSON: I'm exhausted! ME: Me too! What'd you do? PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You? ME: I talked to like 4 people.
Rioters are destroying Baltimore. Don't worry though, all the bookstores are safe.
A while ago, I had an idea for a movie about the invention of the airplane It's been really hard getting it off the ground
Never judge a man 'till you've driven a mile with his wife.
Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing? A: Because someone threw a piano at her.
What was Helen Keller's dog's name? Uuuuuueeeeuuuuhhhh!!!
ME: I want the car's brake lines to rust SCIENTIST: I'm listening ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Did you hear about the guy who invented a knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once? He's calling it the "Four Loaf Cleaver."
"Imma let you spinach" - Kanye ft. Popeye
What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he was white? Alive
Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I'm about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren't working
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night In a fight a with a bouncer
I'm not convinced faith can move mountain's But ive seen what it can do to skyscrapers
What do you call a ghost that lives in your butt? An ass-soul
What is Heinz Guderian's favorite song? The Blitzkrieg Bop
Best/Funniest Pickup Line you used or heard
What's the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a girls' track team? One is a group of cunning runts.
The new pope sure lives up to his religion. His roamin around all over the place!
Keep scrolling, I got nothing.
A termite walks into a bar Steps up to the counter, knocks on it and asks "Is the bartender here?".
What are 3 naked woman on a crate of beer? In the way!
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
What do you call a stable poop? Sturdy.
McDonalds just started their Monopoly game again with an increased 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize/obesity/explosive diarrhea!
How could you be pregnant!?!?!?!?! I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!
Some people are just meant for each other. A sadist married a masochist. The masochist would say, "Beat me!"... The sadist would say, "...no"
I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know.
I have a tree joke you might like to hear but most of us would be Sycamore. (tree jokes need to be spruced up in my opinion)
What happened when Jesus 'screwed' around? He got *nailed*.
People who do anal... (NSFW-ish) People who do anal are fucking assholes.
My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
What do we want ? Race-car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww
Why was Joseph late to the meeting? He was Stalin.
Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD. What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key
Why wouldn't you ask the zebra for music advice? Because he only knows about The White Stripes.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn't even in it. Incredible strength.
A guy was admitted to my local hospital yesterday where they found 6 plastic horses stuck in his ass. The Doctor came out and described his status as Stable........
What does Jesus do with all the money he gets from church tithings? Jesus saves.
I like sleeping with amish women that way i don't have to call the next day
Why do native Americans make the best strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain
"I feel your pane"- Guy walking into your window.
I finally got my shit together. It's pretty gross. Wanna see?
What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie? Professor + I'm sorry. lol.
What do you call 4 lepers in a Jacuzzi? Oatmeal.
I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient
dave is coming to play poker "dave from college or dave who walks like he's in a video game?" [dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool.
I've completely cocooned myself in this blanket, and I'm not coming out until I'm a fully functional adult or a butterfly.
Donald Trump and the /r/jokes mods walk into a bar [Removed]
Fails drug test. Adds "Positive" Person to resume.
Mary had a little lamb... and the midwife passed out.
What do you call a porcupine with no legs a pufferfish
A man and a boy were walking in the woods... A man and a boy were walking in the woods. The little boy says "I'm scared," and the man replies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
What do you say when you get cornered by a gang of Italian prostitutes? "Uh-oh, spaghetti hoes!"
Zac effrons move flopped. Because he was afraid of 138
Almost done with my peanut butter & jelly sandwich and I now notice the bread is covered in mold, If you need me I'll be bathing in bleach.
According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request.
I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory.. ..after all the extra hours I put in.
What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet? A Scotland Yard.
What do you call a phallic shaped potato? A dictator.
Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you'd put things away you'd know where to find them.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh Ten tickles
I couldn't figure out how my seatbelt worked. But then it clicked.
How did the Kentucky woman know her daughter was on her period? She tasted the blood on her son's penis.
Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? Depends on how fast you can carry it.
If you push George W Bush into a vat of concrete. It would set a very bad president.
Sports fad invented by pigs: Mud wrestling.
John Cena wakes up in the hospital Cena : Where am I? Nurse : I.C.U Cena : No you can't
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Hey reddit, check out my corny math joke! Q: What is a math student's least favorite movie?? A: "Signs" Bahaha, right?? Am I right??
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
Why doesn't Spiderman like rice? It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
What do you call a french man who's been attacked by a bear? Claude
What's the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger.
what ultimately decides your fate while you are driving? Your Carma
Woke up to find a cruise ship parked right outside my hotel window. well if you think this is going to make me put on clothes you're wrong.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can't chug this entire beer, right now.
I'm actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history
What do you call a Russian cat that's been to space? A cos-meow-naut.
They say Republicans are toxic and Democrats are stupid. And they're right. Just kidding they're fags.
What do werewolves put at the bottom of their  e-mails? Beast wishes.
What do Reddit and Duke University have in common? They're both full of blue devs.
Why don't you stamp e-mails? Because your foot would go right through the computer screen!
Whats the best part about getting a blowjob from a baby? It makes your dick look HUUUGE!
What is the least favorite food place of the Chinese? Nanking Donuts
In North Korea, you actually do get freedom of speech. Just not freedom *after* your speech.
Well that's a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I'm doing
Everyone prepare yourself for National "How is it May already?" Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
What's the shortest possible sentence in Canadian English? Sorry, eh.
What did the red dog say to the blue dog? Nothing, dogs can't speak.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? **[Deleted]**
I seemed to have lost all my vegetable puns I hope they turnip somewhere
I thought about buying a pocket calculator and then I thought who care how many pockets I have
don't worry, i'm not like other girls *head slowly rotates 360*
I'd tell you guys a pizza joke, but... ...it's cheesy.
What do Donald Trump and the NSFW tag have in common? They're both excellent clickbait.
Putting random stuff in peoples carts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYmoaJoyZTo
Why did Bruce Jenner go back to college? So he could spend a semester a broad.
How many Jews can you fit in a car? One hundred. Five and the rest in the ashtray. (An Austrian friend told me this joke.)
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Went to the doctor today. He wanted to know if the laxatives he prescribed worked. I told him it was close, but no cigar.
Why is a doctor always calm? He got a lot of patients
What do you call a racist police officer? A Police Officer
"Can we talk tomorrow?" is my way of saying "I'll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?"
Whenever a contestant on America's Got Talent was insulted by Piers Morgan, they were judged by a jury of Piers.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i'm doing better than every person in the movie.
My favorite name for a planet is Saturn... it has a nice ring to it.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower. Exactly. I'M the idiot in a slasher film.
I know a lesbian... She really likes Mary Jane.
I told my friends a UDP joke But Idk if they got it.
What qualifies as a "short stack" of pancakes? I mean, 2.5 feet is relatively short, right? Yes? Okay cool. Then I just ate a short stack.
If you missed the ball drop last night.... Just watch FSU in the Rose Bowl
NEVER challenge a chinese man If he says he can do something in the blink of an eye, chances are he's gonna be quicker than you.
Why did the black man walk into a bar? Because the cell door was still locked.
I'm still I'm still Jenner from the block I really want a fanny but I have a cock.
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts... ...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
I'm never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Scars are tattoos with better stories.
What does an Arab say after losing his virginity? Good goat!
What is the #1 cause of paedophilia? Sexy children.
What does Mr. Miyagi do during his alone time? Whacks on, whacks off.
I like my coffee how I like my slaves. Whipped
Robin: "Please?" Batman: "No." "It's prom!" "You can't drive the Batmobile!" Alfred: "Can I? It's Bingo night." Batman: *tosses keys*
Did you hear about the Italian documentary on suppositories? It's called Innuendo...
The hardest part about eating vegetables. What's the hardest part of eating vegetables? The wheelchair. Badum-tss!
I've always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I'm scared of Walmarts :(
By putting the punchline in the title. How do you trick a bunch of Internet nerds into thinking you are a scumbag reposter?
So sick of not knowing if a girl's single. We need a symbol "Rings?" Not visible enough "Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads" -India
I've been addicted to eating the Thanksgiving leftovers... ...so I decided to quit cold turkey.
What do you call a constable who is good at music? Copper.
To teach my kids about the election I let them vote for dinner. They voted for pizza so I made tacos to teach them their vote doesn't matter anyway.
I had sex with a woman on top of a keyboard I made her qwert
If I can make just one person laugh at my jokes then I've done a shitty job at joke writing.
Remember how they drove in 90's TV sitcoms...the horribly fake steering wheel turning - left right left right? That's how I actually drive.
Bless me, Father, for I have used Comic Sans. It's been eight weeks since my last use of Helvetica.
Damn, i got hit with the "we need to talk" from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
The invention of the wheel started a revolution
What's the difference between an oyster fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? The oyster fisherman shucks between fits.
oh these 2 bleeding dots on my neck? uhhh no i'm not a vampire, some crazy dude stabbed me with 2 pens. hey can you toss me a bloodweiser ;)
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement... ...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
What's the difference between cows and bulls? It takes longer to milk the bull.
Know how to tell the sex of an ant? Throw it in water! If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats... buoyant.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am last night. 2 am! Can you believe it? How rude. Luckily I was already awake playing my drums.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery I'm sorry
I got in trouble in gym class, so the coach made me sit in the back, in near all the equipment. There's nothing I can do. He's really got me by the balls.
I like to drink while I clean and that's how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I really can't stand listening to dubstep... I guess it just wubs me the wrong way.
"Fucking hell, I've only been in prison a short while and look how much my grass has grown. "Stop dicking around, Oscar, put your legs back on."
My girlfriend asked me to get her off. I told her it was a little cold outside to be needing bug spray.
What did the brazillian father ask for for christmas from his wife? "A little head, baby"
A convicted con man was recently found to be  impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
What you call a black priest? Holy shit.
how i met you're grammar
Was just told to take my labor day decorations down. I guess a giant inflatable woman giving birth in your front yard is tacky or something.
Toilet won't stop throwing up. I didn't know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby? Paula Ab-doula
What do you call a beast made entirely from egg whites? A Meringue-u-tang!!! Note: I know it's spelled Orangutan. :P
Just spent 3 hours making a belt out of all my old watches... ...it was a complete waste of time.
How did Trump win? He Trumped the opposition. It was Hillaryious
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
"SIP! SIP! SIP! SIP! SIP! SIP! SIP" - frat party chant at the Sigma Delta Pinot house
A chinese couple had a black baby They named it "Sum Ting Wong".
George W. Bush isn't writing a memoir, but "an account of key decisions", such as 9/11, Iraq, and "all the other things Cheney made me do."
A brazilian, uruguayan and argentinian walk into the bar... ...celona team. GOAAAAAAAAL ! GOAAAAAAAAL ! GOAAAAAAAAL !
It may not be "politically correct" to say this... ...but there are over one million U.S Senators.
My laptop is creeping me out. It keeps saying hello to me. Maybe it's because it's a Dell.
kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen little girl: he said he'd been tested!
We should all be donating more to mental health charities It really is *fundamental*.
I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me... Like it's my fault they don't have Windows...
What is your best casino joke? I work in a casino and want to hear your best one. Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player? A canoe sometimes tips!
What does Rolf Harris like to play with on the piano? A minor.
I asked my priest which musical instruments he plays. "Mostly just piano," he replied, "but when I'm at work I sometimes dabble with a little organ."
I saw Donald Trump walk by Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller without stopping... Turns out he really doesn't recognize Jewish Stars.
There's only two kinds of people in this world: people who know how to use conjunctions, but people who don't.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own -me giving a baby advice
If the Army has chaplains, what does the Navy have? Ship monks.
I was told my dad was stealing from his construction job and I didn't want to believe it But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My DNA is all over this room. So nobody go doing anything all life-sentency in here, ok?
Ben: I'm trying to read, you're in my light Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse! Ben: Dad I swear to- Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
What does an 80 yr old lady have between her tits that an 18 yr old woman doesn't have? A bellybutton
If you think politicians are the best at 'spin'... you should listen more at funerals.
Racism is 1/10 But it's 7/10 with Tamir Rice
F*ck the zombie apocalypse, it's never going to happen. Worry about the f*cktard apocalypse, it's already upon us.
Knock, knock Who's there? Wu Wu who? I wouldn't get too excited sir, I'm here to impound your car.
What do you get when a horse's food comes to know Jesus? Christian Bale
My friend had party the other night and didn't invite me, only midgets. He said it was just a little get together.
Superpoer Friend: If you could only own one super power what would it be? Me: USSR
If you're ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill. Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.
What does a queen bee do when she burps ? Issues a royal pardon !
Why is Donald Trump still running for president? It's the only race that he hasn't offended yet.
Why haven't we found aliens yet ? because they are searching for intelligent life too.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?! 900 of you don't read my shit.
Teacher: welcome to health class Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her? Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*
What do yo call a Mexican Titanic? Sink-o De Mayo haah
You'll never know what you want until someone says you can't have it.
Want to hear a funny presidential joke? Donald Trump.
This joke isn't half bad... It's two thirds bad :D
Why was Homer Simpson in such a rush to get to the Kwik-E-Mart? He desperately needed Apu.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.
How do you piss of female archaeologists? Hand them a used tampon and ask what period it's from.
Election results are coming in from Warsaw So we'll soon see who's leading the Poles.
What's the best thing about North Korea? The traffic.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that i have it.
Never trust someone who says you're more important than cheese. It's an obvious lie.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks. It was the 2nd grossest taste I've ever had in my mouth. (No offense, Andrea.)
The first thing I thought when I saw that House Republicans wanted more Congressional Bengazzara hearings... "This seems a bit much, wasn't *that* bad as Jackie Treehorn"
[showing colleague a pic on phone] "NO! Don't scroll left!" My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungie cord? My ass. Ha, haha, haha, ENOUGH.
What is the difference between a feminist and a cat? One of them is annoying, dangerous, hairy, lazy, disgusting and filthy and the other one is just a feminist
What kind of sword is good for chopping up young girls? A cutlass.
Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box? because she kept sitting on pinocchio's face moaning, "lie to me!"
Why isn't the band "1023 MB" famous? They haven't had a gig yet.
I hate leaving when my phone isn't charged to 100%
Why does The Rock love Sonic the Hedgehog? ***"IT DOESN'T MATTER"!***
Life is a bitch Sometimes, When you are happy... no one sees your smile... When you cry ... no one sees your tears... But fart just one time :p
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Some one destroyed the punchline to my Beastie Boys joke earlier.. I'm tellin' y'all, it was a sabotage
Did you know Helen Keller had a male roommate? (Neither did she.)
What does CNN call back-to-back aviation disasters? Christmas in July
I came into some wealth recently, but it turns out my bank doesn't accept that kind of deposit.
Did you here about the nun who took up knitting? She was making quite the habit of it.
I started a band called "999 Megabytes" I still haven't gotten a gig.
Everyone was calling me a Pedo I'm 47 and she's 20, but the people in the restaurant really ruined our tenth anniversary
I can't stand when people say a babies age in months after a year old. "Yeah he's 29 months old", B$tch don't make me do math.
I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Why is 4840 square yards like a bad tooth ? Because it is an acre.
How did Hitler sneeze? "A jew!"
why didn't jimmy drive the tractor? Because he had no legs. Why didn't he have any legs? Because he was a potato.
Dear Adobe, my HOLY SHIT LEAVE ME ALONE is ready to install.
What do you say to change the atmosphere at a dinner party? "If were all here, who's looking after Madeline?"
Why couldn't the mayonnaise kethup? Cuz he musturd.
Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail? Because it needs bailing out.
Girl are you a mathematician? 'Cause you turn my quadratic parabola into a linear straight line.
Ok, so lets share our Christmas cracker jokes. Mine was awful. A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.
Anyone have a good birthday joke? My sister's birthday is today, and I'm looking for a good one to call her with.
Where is the best place to hide a body? Buried in the third page of google search results.
In order to make a Caesar salad, fill a bowl with regular salad... ... Then stab the fucker.
Knock Knock Who's there ! B-2 ! B-2 who ? B-2 school on time !
50 Cent released an album in Zimbabwe You probably haven't heard of it, because he debuted under the name "Million Dollar Man"
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
When a chemist says you're gold...... ......it just means you're easily replaceable
What's the key to finding love? Rohypnol
Why is sex like signing-on? Both involve a log-in.
What are 8 Hobbits? One hobbyte.
Little known fact: Most Star Wars' space fights filmed in a church Pew Pew Pew
What do ghosts order at the bar? Sam-BOO!-ca
Shout out to people that do not know what the opposite of in is!
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle. WIFE: I'm only gone for two days. ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet
What do you call a cow with a hysterectomy? Decalfinated.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I feel like putting on a shirt with a huge dot and going trick or treating the day after Halloween to scare people. Cause then I'd be a late period.
What if Aliens don't want to visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.
I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker. It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.
What does Madeleine McCann and Bin Laden have in common? They both got their backdoors smashed in before being dumped in the sea
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I'm gonna be rich.
I gave some Adderall to my Ford Fiesta... it's now a Ford Focus.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What's the main difference between Kim and Robert K? Robert didn't get a famous black guy off all by himself ...
Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.
I'm 23 years old Truly in my prime
There are only three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons? He made melon-ade
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
Hey girl... Hey girl I have a saving account and a dick. One is really big and one is really small but either way you will be satisfied
I just found a fruit roll-up in my pocket That means one of my kids has a grape flavored blunt rap in their lunch box.
Why do black men love with their girls call them "Daddy"? It's showing that she knows one day he's going to walk out on her and never come back.
What online image hosting service do puppies use to post their puppy pictures? Imgrrrrrrr
Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?  A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!
Whats a bros favorite mexican food. Carne asuhdude
You're so ugly....even the tide wouldn't take you out
There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.
2015: I can't believe people think the dress is blue and black 2016: I hope the human race doesn't destroy itself forever in violent chaos
It's no surprise that Trump is here, just look at all the movies where there is a black President and something comes to destroy the earth. All credits go to Larry Wilmore. ;)
I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.
What does the farmer, looking for his tractor, say? Where is my tractor?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
"Let's go around the room & name our biggest fears" SUPERMAN: Kryptonite BATMAN: Bats MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
What's similar between a black man and a bicycle? They both stop working when the chain comes off.
"no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!" she said. "IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO"
Life without geometry... is pointless
What do santa and a Jew have in common? they both escape through the chimney.
Q: What do you do with a green monster? A: Wait until it ripens.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can't even buy booze at 18! If you can't buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Probably a good thing I'm not a ghost cause I'd just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.
What type of lights were on Noah's Ark? You'd think it would be floodlights, but in reality it was the Israelites!
What do you call an invisible, cross-dressing dad? A transparent
Boy: do u have any fantasies Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[Plane starts to go down] *Frantically shoves an entire bag of Life Savers GummiesTM into my mouth*
I told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high. She looked surprised.
Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp? "He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head." "No babe, this calls for a full dragon."
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
i don't want to masturbate... ...but im doing this "1000 days in a row" thing
Wife: Did you want to go to Comic Con? Me: *Google searches 'Is Emilia Clarke going to be on the Game of Thrones panel at Comic Con'* "No"
So Donald Trump walks into the oval office as the 45th president of the U.S. Title
What do you call a female manager? Miss. Management.
Publisher: Mike we can't accept your children's book. It's far too stupid for even the stupidest child. me: It was supposed to be for adults
I don't know what to do when someone yells stop Is it hammer time? Is it in the name of love? Do I collaborate and listen?
I rang up a local builder and said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you." **Tim Vine**
German people are so rude. I helped someone in Berlin and all he did was call me "donkey."
What do you call a smelly Hobbit? Frodor.
What's more dangerous than being with a fool ? Fooling with a bee !
What is the opposite of Christopher Walkin? Christopher Reeve.
Sorry I didn't text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn't want to mess up my phone.
TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters. Only twice though...
My friend told me I don't understand irony. Which is ironic, because we were in a dry cleaner at the time.
I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"
Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.
What state is a person in when they've just been made fun of sexually on the internet? E-reckt
What's the difference between a politician and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny
the explanation of just about every jewish holiday they tried to kill us they failed lets eat
What do you call a penis shaped wand? A Magic Johnson.
I tried to play counter strike the other day It felt like a France simulator, I kept getting shot by terrorists
Why do French warships have glass bottoms? So that they can see the rest of their fleet.
I've got a new job crushing coke cans. Its soda pressing.
What did one doughnut say to the other... ...you look a little glazed
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? I've got it on vinyl.
Under the sea, under the sea...wouldn't the water pressure crush mermaids, realistically?
Why can't an eel and an eagle team up? Because it would be eel-eagle!
Wife and I go to subway... She says she can't decide between a 12" or a 6". I told her get the 6" sandwich and I'll give you 8 inches after supper
why didnt natalie wood take a shower on the boat? she wanted to wash up on shore...
I thought about making a sex tape the other day... ...until I realized it would just be a Vine.
My furnace broke down on me. So I'm having a housewarming party.
People are saying that sperm has terrific anti-wrinkle properties. But if that were true, with the amount of wanking I do, my bed would probably make itself.
Why was the smurf's hat blue? Cus it was sad.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? They can't, cause they can't change anything. (Just told to me by my 12 year old son.)
What do you call it when your diarrhea finally goes away? Gonorrhea.
Who would you like for president in 2020? Anyone who doesn't have poor visions.
A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt. I guess it's a running joke.
Your mother's so fat... she listens to Jimmy Buffet.
Your mom is like a shotgun. Two cocks and she's ready to blow.
Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe
What do you call a nose with no body? Nobody knows.
3 things in this world scare me: 1. scorpions 2. jellyfish 3. streets named after civil rights leaders at night.
How do you make your girlfriend cry while you're having sex? Call and let her know.
Prince Charles faces strong criticism while visiting Saudi Arabia... One onlooker was heard bellowing, "Look at the ears on that!"
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.
I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold. Now I realize... It's getting back at someone.
Video games and dicks What's the difference between video games and dicks? Video games take longer to beat.
Why did the banker dump his girlfriend? He lost interest.
I failed my chemistry lab exam. I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
Why can't Monday get a girlfriend? Because it always comes to fast
Did you hear about the fierce competition between the Texan and Mexican ice cream shops? It was the Battle of the A La Mode!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
How does a coat steal something? They jacket
I'm in a Japanese restaurant. I shit you not. They have a vegetable tempura appetizer called "Mushroom Cloud." I'm afraid to order it.
What did the 80 grit sandpaper say to the 36 grit sandpaper? You're a little rougher than I'm used to, but I'll grit and bear it. I'm sorry, that joke was a little rough ;D
"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
What's the longest word in the world? Marriage. Because it's not just a word, it's a fuckin' sentence.
I became a banker. Then I lost interest.
Bed wetters let it go straight to voicemail when nature calls.
Female sprinters are so hot. I've been trying to bang one for years. But they always outrun me.
I guess I am not so smart! cuz i cannot *make-up* my mind!!
How do you know if someone was in the military? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
What happens to a bacteria when he travels from his home colony to another? He experiences culture shock.
Nothing says authentic Chinese food like a neon "We Delivery" sign.
What was the Rabbi's favorite frozen treat? Jew-lato
1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air 2) Name it Fresh Prints 3) Make millions 4) Move to West Philadelphia
Stole a bunch of extra long q-tips from the doctor. Who wants to party?
I had to neuter my dog today... his name was Bruce but now I call him Caitlyn.
McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won't be long before you're dead.
"YOU AIN'T SHIT WITHOUT ME! YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE NOTHING!" - syrup to pancakes.
What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common? When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake.
What is a punny play? A play on words.
Alien joke. I feel sorry for the aliens....that live in the third world country.
I hate control freaks. They never listen to me.
Fuck Girls. I just wanna get laid... is redundant
What's a let down Chinese lobster called? A crushed asian
Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast? The game warden found out he poached his eggs!
As a fairly new guy... ...i'd like to say the jokes here are terrible, I really expected more from this subreddit as my contacts have been orgasming all over this site
How do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever? You stop feeding it.
What's the difference between hardware and software? Hardware breaks if you*don't* maintain it.
When three or four Natives gather together... There's usually a fifth.
Ever hear the one about the "gay moon"? My son made this up and told it to me today. Look mom it's the "gay moon". Why are you calling the sun "gay moon"? Because it is FLAAAAMINGGG!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck !
Two blondes standing either side of a river, the first blonde shouts to the other "How do you get to the other side?" the other replies "You're on the other side, stupid!"
What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snow- woman?? Snowballs...
What do you call a Polish person going down a hill? A Rollie Pollie
What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line? "I'm a wiener!"
*walking in forest* *tree falls and makes a loud noise* WOAH *tree gets up* *tree pull a knife on me* "You didn't hear SHIT" *tree runs off*
What's the most popular Internet meme in China? Ayy lMao
You'd think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she'd be thinner.
A Florida boy was born with no eyelids... The doctors decided to make him some eyelids using his foreskin. He's a little cock-eyed now, but he'll be fine.
The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jose, age 6.
What is James Bonds code name when he is abroad? +4407
What do you call it when someone forces you to watch them take their clothes off? A power strip.
How did the frog die? He kermitted suicide. I'm sorry
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I'd have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
In the future, they won't have pages in the history books for 1990-1999 because only 90s kids remember
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
It's awful being in a wheelchair everyone is always pushing me around and talking behind my back
Why did the pig go in the kitchen? To start some bacon
What do you call a self help book for a Country Music singer? Drink, Pray, Truck
I was talking to a Hiroshima survivor about his near death experience... He told me he saw the light
What is Tumblr's least favourite show? NCIS
Chairman: Ok so we've decided a group of crows is called a flock? Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I've got a better idea
Q: How do you make a Venetian blind? A: Stick a finger in his eye.
Why did the crow go to the gym? To work on his caw strength.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, he fell.
Give a pilgrim some corn... He eats for a day, teach a pilgrim to grow corn... He kills your people and takes your land.
Rhonda Rousey is starring in a remake of Roadhouse. Now I won't feel weird jerking off to that movie.
Roses are Grey, Violets are Grey... I am color blind. :(
"Wetalian!" -Multiple Italians
Do you know how to spot a clickbait? If you're reading this, you don't.
Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies!
[on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes
Unintentionally Offensive Word Nerd Pickup Line Do you feel stupid? 'Cause your ass a nine. Like, asinine? ...I'll show myself out
Why black people are so tall ? Because they're/their kNEe GROwS.
What is a ghost pirate's favourite letter? Boo! T
Q: Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake? A: Because snakes make lots of strikes.
My friend asked me if her breath smelled like tacos. I said, "I don't know, do you put shit in your tacos?"
What is the difference between Usian Bolt and Hitler ? Usian Bolt can finish a race.
we are the animals that forgot we were animals
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan.
Relationship status: LOL
Have you heard the me neither joke? Me neither.
I love palindromes that use made up words Sdrow pu edam esu taht semordnilap evol I
My 4 yr old asked if I was sick, I said "Yes, please ask mommy to bring me the Sudafed"... My wife walks by me and says, "Why do you want soup in bed?"
My friend went whale watching the other day... I didn't know people were paying to take pictures of my ex.
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? They're really good at it.
What do T-Rex's do for a living? They're small arms dealers.
The day I realized my cursing had gotten out of hand. ... was when I dropped the soap in the prison shower and screamed, "Fuck me right in the ass!"
I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
How are skinny jeans like a small mansion? They have no ball room.
What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man? The PGA Tour.
What do lawyers wear to court? Law suits!
If life was easy it would be called... Your Mom.
What do you get when you cross Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris? Beat up.
If Trump played Pokemon Go He'd probably catch'em all and transfer them away.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
How are the Houston Rockets just like Metapod? All they've got is Harden
What is another name for a Jewish guest? A visitorah Sorry
I was listening to 80s music today. You just can't beat Tina Turner. Unless you're Ike Turner.
What's the difference between a Hippie chick and a Hockey Player? A Hockey Player takes a shower after 3 periods...
Pamela Anderson Joke What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts? Silicon Valley.
I've slowly replaced sex with food... and now I can't even get into my own pants.
What do a bucket and a woman have in common? Before 1928, neither could vote.
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
Where do Sikhs buy clothes? Turban Outfitters
Airport security asked "what's the purpose of your visit?" So I said "to terrorize the ladies!" and we laughed and laughed  and I'm being deported.
What is a Jamaicans favorite country to visit? Yeahman
What did Anna Freud let her underwear show? It was a Freudian slip
So two cannibals are sitting in a forest, and one of them says to the other, "Gee, I really hate my step-mom." The other one replies "Well why don't you try the potatoes?"
if they changed the rules so you could wear timbs instead of skates black ppl would take over hockey
I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come... Then there was awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Where does a King keep his armies? In his sleevies!
A guy was lying on his bed [NSFW] A guy was lying on his bed, pulling off his boxers when his wife walked in and said, "you spoil those dogs"
I call my weed the Quran... Because burning that shit will get you stoned
Doctor: You have two months to live. Patient: But doctor, I won't be able to pay your bill in that time! Doctor: Ok, you have three months to live.
Whats the difference between a Snowman and a SnowWoman? Snowballs!
City Life At first I was Ern(e)st and Young, but then became Standard and Poor: yet when I got broody I was rated as Moody, loosing my triple A score
"wat can i say.. im a people person" said the man who was MADE OUT OF PEOPLE
Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween ? It was for 'tick or tweet' !
Who is The best Jewish baker? Adolf Hitler
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large
I just conducted a survey. I asked 68 men and 2 women what their views were on equality.
Teenage twin boys in a "special needs" class were suspended for online gambling while at school... Turns out they have DoubleDown syndrome.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? a GUMMY BEAR.
*embraces diversity* Diversity: "I have a boyfriend"
you call it the Irish Goodbye, I call it the I Never Wanted To Be Here In The First Place See You In Hell
I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something I forgot that I'm so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they're singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
What do you call a murder in the middle east? A hummus-cide
When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.
If my third grade teacher hasn't taught me that little rhyme about spelling.... I'd still be spelling cieling and nieghbor wrong.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My grandpa used to say "Don't do drugs just sell them"
By putting the punchline in the title How do you trick /r/jokes into thinking it's a repost?
A husband walks into the bedroom... ... and hands his wife 2 Advils. She says: "But honey, I don't have a headache!" ... To which he replies: "Aha, I got you! Let's have sex then!"
What do you call someone who steals a glacier? An iceberglar
What do African-Americans and Jews have in common? An increased risk for pancreatic adenocarcinoma.
What's a zergling's favourite newspaper? The Guardian.
Trump walks into a bar.... Because it was set so low.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Hey girl, you must be called Pepsi You're cheap, drunk all day, and you ain't gonna carry yourself home...
If you love someone let them go down on you
a girl to her mother: Mom! I was stopped at a red light and got hit by a car! --oh no! who rear-ended you? lots of guys, mom! But can we go back to talking about my accident please?
What do you call a midget prostitute? A lowrider
What do rednecks call the BATF? The Bureau of All Things Fine.
How does a Muslim shut a door? Islams it.
Let's party like it's 1999. (Drink Bud Lights at my warehouse job with the guy on work release who had to go back to jail every night).
We're in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn't looked down yet
I found a note in a vase a year ago and was to meet someone here for money. No I didn't.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a *brazilian*?"
i was just singing radiohead's 'creep' into my cat's ear and he started meowing it along with me then we both took a shit in his litter box.
My friends and I are working on this mixed drink idea It's pretty simple just 2 parts water and 1 part ketamine. We call it the Cosbypolitan.
Why was the paranormal convention cancelled? Due to unforseen circumstances
What is a racist's favorite seafood dish? Klu Klux Klam
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted's memory lives on.
Why did all the prisoners at the AT&amp;T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!
What do you call a man that marries another man? A minister! Courtesy of a patient.
Let's play the Rihanna drinking game! We'll drink a shot of vodka every time she says 'work'. [2 minutes later] *house is on fire*
I don't mind that my wife thinks I'm crazy. I mind that I have to hear it from our dog.
I met a smelly man who had a way with words He was a pungent
Knock Knock! - Who's there? - Dingo! - Dingo who? - MANDINGO!!!
Famous Deaths happen in 3s... Sunday it was Mr Fuji, Yesterday it was Gene Wilder, Today it was the Minnesota Vikings season.
Where do dock workers like to shop? Crate and Barrel.
I don't think it's by accident that the ceilings in trailer homes aren't high enough to hang yourself from.
How do you throw a party in space? You planet!
What's Irish and sits on your lawn? paddy o' furniture
My Grandpa used to tell me "Eat Every Bean and Pea on your Plate"!
How do you throw a party in space? You planet.
Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team. He has now hired Celtic as he heard they lost both legs and still managed to win.
What do you call a laughing mayonnaise? lmayo ahh
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Human Cannonball Barbie ...complete with spring-loaded cannon that will shoot her 15-20 feet
I went to a girl and was like "I'd like to take my rocket to Uranus" She detached the final stage
Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it
Enough with the bass jokes. Just drop it. wubwubwub
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
What do you call a dog with no tongue? Dirty bollocks
Why did the Jamaican go to Syria? To get stoned
What's the Difference between Jam and Jelly? What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass. Inspiration taken from How I Met Your Mother :)
*walks into Kinko's* YO I NEED A CAT SCAN "I'm sorry sir, we don't--" *opens bag & removes a terrified cat* I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.
High school kids, these awful years are going to end up being the best years of your life. That's how much everything else sucks.
[oc] What do you call a 100 year old whale? A hunchback whale.
I come to Twitter for the recipe trading, but I stay for the overt racism!
Why does the number 288 not come up in polite conversation? Because it's two gross.
A guy walks into a laundry run by cats. "Excuse  me" he said to the cat in charge "Can you get milk stains out?" "Sure" replied the cat. "We'll have that stain licked in a minute!"
[3rd date] Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee? Ian: Sure! Kate: Have you got any condoms? Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I feel really bad for pedophiles It must be really hard to fit in
A Spanish speaking magician says that he will disappear on the count of three. "Uno.. Dos.." and poof! He was gone without a tres.
How does a feminist kill a spider? Not, she is not man enough to do it.
My doctor told me I had the airport flu. He says it's terminal.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? Some people are against shooting guns.
When I was 20, a stranger ran up to me in the street and said we should get a divorce. That set the tone of weirdness for my adult life.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Arnold Palmer: The Movie staring Ice-T and Jack Lemmon, also I'm very very sorry
Meanwhile back in class... Teacher : How much is a gram? Me: Depends on what you are looking for ... Teacher : GET OUT! NOW! Me: So, did you still need that, or naw?
What day was Doris Day born? Doris' day.
"Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?" *slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
A recent study has found that women who are overweight live longer than the men who mention it.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Laundry is racist!! Must separate the whites from the colors!! No delicates allowed? Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
A cheese factory just exploded... There was de-brie everywhere
Robot: I have to dry my feet carefully after a  bath. Monster: Why? Robot: Otherwise I get rusty nails.
I love mange tout... ...but I couldn't eat a whole one.
What do you call taking a dump after breakfast? A Brexit
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
Why can't melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it's a big mess.
Did you hear about the circus fire? ...it was intents!
Why did the 3 year old go to jail? For resisting a rest.
In America Martin Luther King only gets one day.... And sharks get a whole week. It's probably because they are great whites.
If my name was Dave I'd text my friends today saying "IT'S FRIDAVE! LET'S PARTY!". They'd be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
*Signs into Facebook "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" is posted everywhere *Agrees *Deletes Facebook
It's mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too... How do you expect him to  Instargram the food?
Abusing a word, done correctly I have eye opening experiences every day, quite literally.
"Is there a Mrs. Prime?" -- EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
elephant: i'm thirsty, how do i drink mother nature: inhale water & squirt it from ur nose directly into ur mouth elephant: what the hell
Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.
Is this sub Pi? There seems to be an endless supply of jokes, and I swear it's gonna repeat itself at some point.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? [Can be disturbing] The New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 10 seconds.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Today i meet my new boss Have you ever met someone who is like the human version of period cramps ? i exactly feel the same way after meeting my new boss today :(
This joke is an oxymoron it's unfunny.
Why did the star wars fan kill a blind man? Because he joined the dark side.
Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, Cabbage, Potatoes, Cheese, Beetroot, Onions, Bread, Butter. Schindler's mom's list.
I'm a bokeper Q: Isn't that bookkeeper? A: People always mix me up with my brother. He's... a double-entry bookkeeper.
What comes after 69? A funeral
Why I dislike German sausages. They are the wurst.
I'm pretty bad at apologising.. So I just say... "unfuck you".
How is Chinese airport security like a Russian woman? They'll fuck anybody with an American passport. I say this from experience.
That toilet owes me five dollars I just gave it a foot long.
What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM? It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.
My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers (I have kidney stones)
The first rule of Alzheimers club, Is don't talk about chess club
Jokes on jokes Why did the cabbage whistle? Because it saw the salad dressing
did you hear about the Chinese lift repairman? , it was Wong on so many levels.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Did you hear about the new Strip Club made for Eskimos? They call it a Brrrlesque.
What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common? Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
You might think a man's anatomy is quite similar to a woman's.... But there's a vas deferens.
What symbol dispels a hex? A hexagon! -In collaboration with my kid sister.
Why did the Shitaki left the party? It was too crowded and there wasnt mushroom. It's a pitty he left... He is a funghi!
White smoke, Pope, Black Smoke, Nope.
What does a crook see with? Burglarize
Knock knock?? Who's there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
7y:why are you putting make up on? Me:to look nicer 7y:when does it start working?
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
My girlfriend asked me to stop playing mind games. I looked confused and asked, "Who are you again?"
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
So this cravat came up to me and started weeping... ...I thought "I can't *stand* emotional ties"
Did you hear about the recent earthquake research? The information is groundbreaking
If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[mom unloads groceries] if there's one thing i love, besides my wild little rascals, it's subscribing to twenty different online tv services
The cashier wasn't impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said "Keep the change" from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
How can you tell if someone is from Texas? ...Oh don't worry , they'll tell you
A limerick for Guildford in Surrey At McDonald's in Guildford in Surrey I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry I had to act quick To cool down my dick So I stuck it into my McFlurry
I am a man with Alzheimer's, AMA! EDIT: Why is everyone asking me questions?
This is a Tylenol conversation. So you can Aleve.
Did you hear about child molester who plays the piano? He was fingering a minor
The way I see it, EVERY FRIDAY is Good Friday.. 
Pro Tip: Make sure you're physically fit when arguing with a mime. They speak the language of the body.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don't know, don't care.
If you love Christmas so much... *Why don't you merry it?*
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Did you hear about the antelope... Did you hear about the antelope that was trampled by a herd of elephants while getting dressed? He was a self dressed stamped antelope.
What did the husband say to his wife when he tried pushing it in as much as he could, but it still wouldn't fit? He said "I'm going to try on a different shoe size."
People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time... but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking.
At one time I had majority ownership shares in the UK top BBQ company. Somedays I wish I never sold my stake.
I heard Jay-Z and Doc Brown were recording a rap album together. They're going to call it "Jigga-Watt"
I hate people who use stereotypes... They're usually hypocrites.
How do you use a condom twice? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
I go to a muscular dystrophy support group. We meet weakly.
I'm pretty sure if Flo from Progressive and Jake from State Farm hooked up, the universe would explode.
I opened a window to let a fly out... and three more flew in, along with five mosquitoes, three ladybugs, a bird, and a Jehovah's Witness.
After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.
[at work] "Mornin, Margaret." "Mornin. You're late today." [looks at watch] "Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"
I wrote a song for a Tortilla. Well, it's more of a Wrap.
Why does santa have such a big sack? Cause he only comes once a year.
Me: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier Dan from the next cubicle: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My perfect score friend is allergic to alcohol He can't take anything that is less than 100percent
What do you call a dog who digs up ancient artifacts? A Barkeologist.
Who are the real Guardians of the Galaxy? Security at Samsung.
Entropy ...isn't what it used to be.
What does an Amish drive by shooting sound like? *clop clop clop, bang bang, clop clop clop*
You look cute without glasses. my glasses.
Hey, Schumi that slope looks pretty steep! Nah, I'll rock this shit!
Are we going the right way, Yoda? Off-course, we are.
Gotta love a dad joke Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton!'
What's the same about a smart blonde and a UFO? You keep hearing about em but you never see em
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat
I got into lucid dreaming recently its everything I imagined it to be.
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
A family of ducks walks into a church. "Hi, yes, umm...I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?" The father asks timidly.
Stomach: I'm hungry. Brain: Chill out, dude, she's in a meeting. Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE'S MATING CALL.
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ? "I must throw that doggie out the window !"!
Do you know beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.
When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.
I think my iPhone is broken I keep pressing the home button but I am still at work
What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio? A South African prison has an Oscar
Did you hear about the pirate porno? All hands on dick!
Australian politics
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake Her: aw bc I rock ur world? Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
What do cows do for fun? They go to the mooooo-vies.
Giant bird goes to a psychiatrist.. ''I feel like I'm ignored all the time.'' ''Maybe it's because you're ostrich sized''
Schools are reporting a massive jump in average ACT scores. On a completely unrelated note, the amount of black students taking the ACT is at a all time low.
A grasshopper walks into a bar bartender says..."Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "You have a drink named Jeff?". budum pshhhh.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
A man shot his wife Judge: Sir, why did you shoot your wife? Man: Well your honor, it was easier than shooting a different man every night.
What's the best way to get the aristocracy out of France? A chopper
What is soft and fuzzy, and lives in a hole? My belly button lint.
Elephant circumcision... ...The pay's rubbish but the tips are enormous.
Just saw an elderly Asian couple buying tortillas so racism is over
I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king" "Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.
It's not my fault that I'm lazy. It walks in the family.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I'm going to say it. I think I'm smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Send me your home address and I'll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
What do you call a black brick with three holes in it? A polish bowling ball.
I just hit a Smart car and now it's my hood ornament.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women! *ba dum tssh*
What u call a Jewish Asian? Japplebaum.
"What are all those wires?" "My wireless internet." (New Yorker cartoon ideas)
How do you know Little Miss Muffet was a bodybuilder? She was always eating her curds and whey.
Auto correct changed "absence" to "absinthe" and now my kid's school won't let me be on the PTA.
Me: Goodnight mom I love you Mom: I have a boyfriend Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?
What did one dry erase marker say to the other? I'm bored! (As in board) Another one from my 9 year-old.
My wife thinks that I'm too nosy... At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
Peyton Manning is opening a bakery. As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.
Where did the orphans go after the Orphanage blew up? Everywhere
How do you know carrots improve your vision? Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses
Did you know that Santa Claus is both an arborist and a geologist? He's gonna find out what's knotty or gneiss.
Why are so many racist jokes about black people? Because black people can't read. Duh. I'll show myself out.
I just returned from a concert put on by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra... ... ... Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.
People always talk about starting families... But no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
I named my penis the truth - Because women can't handle it.
Never believe minotaurs... Half of everything they say is bull.
I hate it when people tell me I don't need alcohol to have fun. You don't need shoes to run, but it fucking helps.
Daughter 1: Dad, I'm lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too dad. Dad: Doesn't anyone like guys here? Son: I do?.
Parents: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Parents: Mom and dad. Me: Mom and dad who? Parents: Exactly, you're adopted son. ;'(
How fast can you travel in any direction in an airport? Terminal velocity.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU FRIES WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother's bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Why did Jared go to a Goat farm? He heard there was lots of Kids there.
There was an unbelievably close finish in this years "Shemale of the year" contest. It was a Thai.
What's the name of the Pokemon that causes birth defects? Zikachu
What's the difference between a Syrian school and a terrorist camp? I don't know, I'm just flying the drone
What did the bumble bee striker say? Hive scored!
When I die, I hope Bethesda lowers my coffin into the ground. So they can let me down one last time.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised? Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 20% off.
sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!!!
What do you do if you're attacked by a bunch of Carnies? Go for the Jugular (juggler)!
I once had a brush with Death and then a floss and a rinse; no woman wants to get intimate with a dark annihilator of souls with bad teeth.
What's the difference between Snow-men and Snow-women? Snowballs.
Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.
What is the most fascist letter? Not C
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
100 Ways to contact me; 1. Call me. 2. Tweet me. 3. Txt me.... 95.Drums and smoke signals 100.Facebook
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could totally see myself doing.
I asked my Welsh friend how many partners he's had in his life... he started to count and he fell asleep.
Butter and Blonde
If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck
How is it fair that if my girlfriend has sex with her brother nobody bats an eye, but if I have sex with her... I get arrested for beastality?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
What's the difference between toilet paper and a knife? Oh, you don't know? I won't ask you to wipe my bum then.
What did Jay Z call his girlfriend when they were dating? A Feyonce
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
You're American when you go in to the bathroom, and American when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European (you're-a-peein')
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? Swim!
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg ? It eggs-plodes !
Why are pigs such great football fans?  They're always rooting.
What do you call a starving parrot? A polynomial!
Did you hear about the alcoholic chemist that died? He just loved drinking PBr
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I invented a game where people get so stoned they can barely walk & chase each other around the yard. It's called...wait for it: Hash Tag.
Make like a pea plant and go fuck yourself.
What type of Bee gives Milk? A BooBee!
What do you call a person who is happy on a Monday? Unemployed.
After 8 years Americans prove the rumor to be false. They went black and now they are going back.
[i wake up confused] KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are! ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom KIDNAPPER: shit
Anatomy joke What muscle is most responsible for lateral rotation of the neck? The gluteus maximus
There's only one downside of putting a woman on the $20 bill. That downside is that the $20 bill is now only worth $15.66
If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.
I was vacationing, and I got to talking to a North African in his native language... ... We just clicked
Why did the man break the clock? He wasn't comfortable with having that much time on his hands.
A racist joke. Donald Trump
I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I've caught myself talking to it 3 times
*meteor is about to hit earth* Earth: I have a boyfriend
What do you call a show full of lions ? The mane event !
Why doesn't Dubai screen 'The Flintstones'? Because Abu Dhabi doooo.
You are what you eat. Is that why I am a human?
Worried that Adele's next album might be delayed if she discovers Pinterest.
Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a  considerable height would.
One potato. Two potato. Three potato. Vodka.
What did the dog use to make his  kite? Flypaper.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
Have you heard of the man that walked all day and only moved two feet? .....That's all he had.
Have you ever noticed.... Political promises are usually in one year and out the other?
What did Bernie Sanders say when he found a dead body at a Democratic Party meeting to select candidates and decide policy? "Oh god, a caucus!" ^^^cuz ^^^he ^^^has ^^^a ^^^new ^^^england ^^^accent
What does CPA stand for? Can't Produce Anything
Why didn't Frodo hide the ring up his ass? Because Sam would disappear.
A masochist asks a sadist "Please hurt me." "No," replies the sadist.
A new study discovered Scientists have discovered a new phenomenon while studying one side of a road on which a bull was staying on They call this phenomenon: Curb-On-The-Ox-Side
When I die, I want my tombstone to read "He died doing what he loved. Hating whatever he was doing."
My first post in this sub. Here goes nothing...
Why does a fat man when squeezed compliment the ladies? Because the pressure makes him flatter.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
how many cops does it take to push a black man down stairs? none, he "fell"
A girl told me she liked teasing So we went into the bedroom and I told her that she had a weird, misshapen nose and she suddenly started crying. Women and their mixed messages.
My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erection, I told her "Its a lot harder than it looks"
Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring.
After a whole year my school Extestentialist Club declared me... ...most likely to be
"What an awesome body-" Oh... thanks. I work out- "- of research." - formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
New career ambition: have an office and big chair that I can slowly turn Bond villain-esquely around in to greet my enemies.
Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring!
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my dick
What do you call an Orangutan, a tortoise and a hamster in cars? Top Gear, ^^or ^whatever ^^their ^^new ^^amazon ^^car ^^show ^^will ^^be ^^called.
UK - We call it Autumn, from the French word "autompne" and later, the Latin "autumnus" USA - WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that's one less person I ever have to talk to again.
How can you tell a sex doll is Muslim ? It blows itself up.
What happens if you drop a blue marble in the Red Sea? It sinks. (Courtesy of my 9 year old daughter)
Imagine having cocks for hands and then being in business type situations where you have to shake hands. How embarrassing.
If you are not so happy with life, Come join us on Facebook. We'll make you forget you ever had one.
Is it just me or are there other personal pronouns?
Whats the odd one out ? The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.
What do you call an Egyptian spine adjuster? A Cairopractor
Every timeI see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think....there's another prostitute making a house call......
I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrewed it
Teacher: Where is the English Channel ? Pupil: I don't know my TV doesn't pick it up
He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
Not a racing fan at all but 3 simple words would have me practically living at the dog track: little monkey jockeys
How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint? She released the video on pornhub. (Too soon?)
Bought a new exercise program Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort So I did
"Brace yourself." -lazy orthodontist
What's Peyton Manning's favorite hair style? The blowout
I woke up this morning with Chinese writing all over my bedroom walls. I couldn't understand it.
Did you hear about the time Hitler and Stalin shared an apartment? It turns out that their landlord was the lessor to two evils.
What did the Indian guy say to his mother before he left for his nearest city? "Mumbai"
A man got hit hard in the head with a bottle of 7up. He's alright though,it was a soft drink.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I saw two tramps passionately making out in public. So I shouted, "Get a box."
When you go to the hospital and there's music playing These are some sick beats!
There's no 'i' in team... No, but there's a 'u' in cunt!
What is a jewish man's biggest dilemma? Free bacon
It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.
What do pirates use to copy files? Yarrrrrsync!
On behalf of black people, I'd like to apologize for Nicki Minaj
I think the most ironic thing about irony is that it's not made of metal at all.
What kind of phone makes music? A saxophone.
People say I'm disagreeable They're all wrong
What does a Mexican motorcycle sound like? Cabrona!!! puto, puto, puto
Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television... because it was easier than making phone calls?
Don't you hate it when your girlfriend asks you to go deeper and you ran out of poems?
Sexually and mentally confused white bear Bipolar bear
They say every 2 out of 3 people live next door to a pedophile Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year olds
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I fell bottom-first on to a window today. It was a pane in the arse.
me: *turns around in swivel chair* *tents fingers* I guess you never expected to see ME again... Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I live life by 3 rules: 1- Get ripped. 2- Stay ripped. 3- Live in denial so that life is bearable.
I decided for dinner to make the Duck confit As I was in a really fowl mood.
Sex with homeless people is in-tents.
What's the difference between a caver and a spelunker? A caver rescues a spelunker.
Why did the man vomit after eating Middle Eastern food? It made his stomach falafel.
My friend from Mexico got bit by a mosquito.. he could not figure out why his American friend was not receiving bites as well. I told him the bugs were hungry for Mexican tonight.
What did the thirsty weatherman say to his intern? I need my thermos, stat!
What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
A man once got his penis cut off he used to be a dick... now he is just nuts.
What do you get when you cross... an insomniac, a dyslectic, and an agnostic... A: someone whos stays up at night wondering if there's dog
Don't worry if you found yourself alone on Valentines Day...its not the end of the World...that's still 10 months away.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
What did the 2 rednecks say after breaking up? Let's just be cousins.
Can someone tell Buzz that it's impossible to go beyond infinity, guy's pretty stupid for an astronaut.
What do you call a grammatical rendezvous? accommadate I hate me for this..
A blond goes to the doctor Blonde: Doctor my skin is very smooth and fair, what should I do before going to sleep? Doctor: Lock the door
Talking Dirty What did the Italian wife say during sex? Pasta, pasta! What did the Indian wife say during sex? Curry, curry!
If vegetarians eat vegetables... What do egalitarians eat? edit: for originality points
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
I'm not racist but... racist people are.
My bike wheel really surprised me the other day. It spoke
You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt... Only a cheetah can.
How is a woman like a bank. You lose interest once you withdraw. Playboy has awesome jokes.
I tried to teach my grandma how to eat noodles with chopsticks She accidentally made a sweater.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because men fake foreplay.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's still not going to come.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play? Pregnant wife: No, honey. She's not ready yet. 3-year-old: Wife: 3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
a mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. he says "uno, dos..." and then promptly disappeared without a tres.
What's a barista in France's favorite workout? A French press
Have you heard the story when the idiot said no?
The best joke ever What do Egyptian kings sing on their birthday? For he's a jolly good Pharaoh. Was that bad? Ye, pharaoh-nuff
*walks into interview* Thanks for coming in today. I'm Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil. *walks out of interview*
And That's How the Fight Started. Wife: You are always so negative. Husband: I'll be more optimistic...I'm positive you're an idiot!
Always ask "are you voting for Sanders?" before sex. If they say "yes" you know they are too young.
How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing? HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!
Updog (terrible joke I posted in dadjokes) Dad: (sniffs) it smells like updog in here. Son: What's up dog? Dad: Just chilling homie, what's up with you!?
What did the envelope say to the stamp? "Stick with me and we'll go places."
My friend died doing what he loved most... Heroin.
That new film, The Finest Hours, looks really good the plot looks very submerging
Doctor I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
That one about the three helium atoms is pretty funny. HeHeHe
The Christians are really taking the Dugger family scandal hard I drove by a Chick-fil-A and the flags were at half-staff...
What did the slut's left leg say to the slut's right leg? Nothing. They've never met.
I love those lanes at the store where you can just bag your groceries, make some beep-boop noises and walk out without paying.
[approaches parent with child on a leash] "Mind if I pet your dog?" Hey that's my son! "Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?"
Dad joke for my birthday I just opened my birthday card from my Dad... "How time has flown, it only seems like 12 months since your last birthday"
How many male chauvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, let the wenches do the dishes in the dark.
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? I cry when I cut up onions.
What do you call a bug that can't talk? A hoarse fly.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What do you call the Flintstones if they're black? Niggers.
What do you get when you merge Revenge with Grey's Anatomy? Graysonatomy.
Never think you can win a fight just because the other one is a huge pussy. It might have been a female tiger, but it still ate my arm.
My son managed to lock the car with my keys still in the ignition. He suggest a coat hanger. I said we're a few years too late for that.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. "For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan."
Two Jewish guys are outside smoking... Hitler says, "Who left these bodies here? Get them back inside the camp!"
Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning !
My girlfriend keeps telling me she's not a fire nymph. She just has chlamydia.
What's green, sticky and smells like eucalyptus? Koala vomit
Horton hears a who Horton hears a what Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady Horton is listening to Eminem
My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one
The region of Qatar that hasn't been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
How long does it take a black lady to shit? About 9 months.
If you don't like the idea of wiping someone's ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn't become a parent.
My friend keeps hiding Disney films in my lunch. I'm fed up.
What do you call a pig with the flu? A swine swine.
Only in America... Can you shoot up a whole church and still be hated less than someone who shot a lion.
Q: How do astronomers organize a party? **They planet.**
Police officer: Excuse me but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.
Where do generals keep their armies? in their sleevies
Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Don't you hate it when people ask for upvotes? Upvote if you agree.
Women are like pizza... They're better hot, but still good when they are cold.
- Knock knock. - Who's there? - It's the pilot! OPEN THE F**ING DOOR!!!
Wanna hear a good one liner? 1 Dimension
Trump's gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn't keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking...J.K. Rowling
Woman hits me with her shopping cart. I apologize. Another woman hits me with her cart. I apologize. Being Canadian is like being married.
Corny Joke I Heard On The Radio What did the one fish in the tank say to the other? "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
M: What do you want for dinner? H: I don't care, you decide M: Sushi? H: No, but whatever. M: Mexican? H: Nah, but your call. He's dead now
What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed? Me neither. Help.
What do u call a midget mexican Paragraph because he isnt a full essay
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's witness and a Hell's Angel... someone that rings your bell on a Saturday morning and tells you to Fuck Off!
Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.
Mom goes to the store.... Mom: Going to the store son what do you need? Me: Bleach. Mom: Why? Me : I heard on the internet that bleach cures sadness when you drink it
Grasshopper walks into a bar Bartender goes "*hey! you.... we have a drink named after you, buddy!*" Grasshopper excitingly responds "*no way! You have a drink named Steve?*"
Julius Caesar goes into a bar... ... and asks for a martinus. Puzzled, the bartender asks, "Do you mean a martini?" "No. Just one, please."
I accidentally mixed my coffee my redbull.. After 15 minutes of driving I realised I forgot my car.
? Hey there Delilah, what's it like when u go grazing I know u said you're not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing Did u just moo ?
A small bird made of oak Be good if there was a related joke, wooden tit?
Old Aussie joke: Why is the lady on the Red Heads matchbox always smiling? There are 48 heads in her box - of course she`s happy!
Why do gingers always have such frizzy hair? You would too if you had no reflection.
What's the best drug to have sex on? Birth control.
My neighbor's 3 favorite films of all time: 3.) "10,000,000 Explosions" 2.) "Army Guys Yelling At Each Other" 1.) "Subwoofer:The Movie"
I'm going to swallow a jack-in-the-box so that when they do an autopsyBOING, surprise!
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose? Me: All the dead ones
Go to a Mexican restaurant, get a table for two, tell them you're waiting for your date & then eat free chips & salsa for 7 years.
Redditors screaming REPOST!! at everything are like grandparents. Just that they don't even seem to *like* the 'good old days'.
How do jockeys stay on their horses? Jockey straps.
[Enters Building] "Excuse..." *Voice fades* "... anyone..." "... how to..." "... out this..." "... ving door?"
What kind of car do ghosts drive? BOOgatti!
I waited 279 days before I made my first post on Reddit, apparently I could've waited 558 days and received the same response.
A German man was hitting on my sister-in-law... I told her "He wants to put his wiener in your schnitzel." She replied "Not happening, I guess he'll be stroganoff."
Two deer walk out of a gay bar One turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there!"
I'm like a Ferrero Rocher in that I'm quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.
What made the cable guy late? There was a cord-eal
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her
In Mexico, the KKK is known as the What What What.
What do you get when you cross a vulture with a machine gun? As far away as possible. *cough* shameful *cough*
When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?  When it's raining cats and dogs !
People who are genuinely surprised when politicians behave badly should be forced to wear helmets for their own protection.
What did the group of unborn babies say when they were hungry? Fetus.
Why can't Mexicans win the Olympics? Because every one that can run, jump or swim has already crossed the border.
I think if my rich neighbor realized just how great of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.
What is a pirate's favorite drink? The HI-C! (punchline must be said in proper pirate voice) (this is what I do when bored at work not even ashamed)
I just finished my first week of work at ThyssenKrupp. I'm already seeing great opportunities for upward mobility. All in all, it's been a very elevating experience.
I'm so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time... One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?" The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
Customer: Why did you take off so much hair? Barber: I didn't nature beat me to it.
What do you tell a lady with two black eyes? Nothing, You already told her twice.
So pi and the imaginary number are talking... and i says to pi, "be rational." Pi responds, "u shut ur bitch-ass whore mouth or im gon shank u mofo" and i says, "Oh shit just got real."
TIFU by disappointing a girl with my 3.2 incher. She didn't take American Express.
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
Man: Why is ur wife shouting at you? Friend: she told me to upload her photo in FB, I uploaded in OLX... Mistakes do happen
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter "How do you feel?" "How would you feel" the astronout replied "if you were stuck here on top of 20000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
What disease did the house have? Shingles.
Traveling with a four year old boy is like transferring a serial killer between prisons.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
What do you call Japanese people that fly planes? Pirates.
As a male, I enjoy watching POV porn where the guy recording is black so I can imagine that I have an enormous vertical leap.
My friend showed me some of his childhood photos. "These look nothing like you!" My friend responded "Why would they?"
Kim Jong-un
What do you call a black mage? A Negro-mancer
"There are nine holes on a chair. A man sat and farted. Which hole did the fart go through?" The asshole.
Yo mama so fat she wears a vcr as a beeper.
I'm gonna open a bar and call it "Moderation."
I almost got raped in prison. I beat him off.
Why wouldn't you hire bears from Australia? Because they don't have the necessary koalafications. (Derived from: http://www.neatorama.com/2014/04/07/When-Animals-Argue/)
Moses, Jesus and Muhammad are walking into a bar. Cries the barkeeper: "If this is gonna be a joke that guy has to stay out!"
I've just text my new girlfriend that I'm into all sorts of douchebaggery. Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
Hitler favorite price? nein neinty nein!
What happened when the lepers played poker? One guy threw down his hand and another laughed his head off. This was my best friend's favorite joke when she was little apparently.
Dad : Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ? Son : No, what happened ? Dad : It is ok he woke up.
Job Interview I was at a job interview and the interviewer asks "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I reply "sorry, I don't have 2020 vision."
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup: Dad: Who are you routing for? Mom: I'm routing for it to be over.
What is a dog's favorite candy? Feces pieces
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off
How does a blonde turn on the light after making love? Opens the car door.
I am hoping to have a gay child So that one day he/she will come to me and say "Dad, I'm gay" To which I will reply "Hi gay, I'm dad"
did you hear about the gay, cannibal pirate? apparently, he loved the taste of seamen.
What sound does a doorbell make in China? ping pong.
How do you get whole race to hate you? Blow up the finish line. (I figured 2 years was long enough)
My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO. Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.
*walks in at 3am* Wife: OMG, what happened? Me: I was attacked. [front door 5hrs later] Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
What do accountants use for birth control? Their personality.
What was Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe
> Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn
What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. German light bulbs don't break.
I don't believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he's trying to crank over a motorcycle while he's sleeping.
I really hate being bipolar... ...it's great!
Conjunctivitis.com that's a site for sore eyes
I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
Roses are red violets are blue Roses are red and Violets are blue Sugar is sweet and so are you But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead The sugar bowls empty and so is your head
My Muslim neighbor came to my house and asked "Have you seen Mahid lately?" I said, "No, just your eyes."
Press Release: "Big thank you to Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice" Sincerely, Tony Stewart's PR Team
I misread a headline today as "the stealthy face a tax increase" and thought good luck catching those ninjas, Obama!
What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah? Happy birthday two Jews
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner today. It was just gathering dust
Why did the girl walk past her crush twice? He didn't believe in love at first sight.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
What's the difference between Walk of Life and Washington state? One's by Dire Straits, the other's by dryer states. ^badump ^tssss
{Commercial for Floors} Is this you? {footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I've Invented A New Word... Plagiarism.
Fun Fact: The "eye roll" was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Since it's hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nacho flavor than a peasant in the 1400s would get in his whole lifetime.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"
Why did the yoga pants come in last place? They were bringing up the rear.
How scared was the man who ate cement? Lets just say, he shit a brick.
What do you get if you fuck an Antarctic penguin? A Chilly Willy.
If I've learnt anything from Zombie movies it's that people meat is pretty damn stringy.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get
What do you call Michael Buble's long lost evil twin brother? Pu-pu puble
Why does Trump like French music? Because he likes to grab them by Debussy.
what u call a Bee that lives in America? A USB
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend? Wiped his ass
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck. Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My friend had a failed suicide. I told him not to hang his head about it.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah* Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
This fortune cookie I just had said 'Off yourself' & my lucky numbers on the back was the phone number to a local gun shop.
NSFW My sister tried pranking me today She tried the "I'm pregnant" prank. I didn't fall for it of course, because I know I always use protection.
Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won't stop yelling
What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage? Wataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Him: My voice is a little hoarse. Me: You have a pony?! Him: ... Me: ... Him: ... Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*
[spelling bee] Your word is 'effusive' "E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E" That is correct. What was your name? "It's Siv" I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
What do you call nuts on your wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? Dick in your mouth.
"Laughter is the best medicine" -doctor who failed med school
What do neutrinos and I have in common? We're both constantly penetrating your mom.
50 cent declares bankrupcy... he hasnt got a dollar to his name
Dark Humor is like food not everyone has it
What fish is the most valuable? A goldfish.
Why do women aged 40+ not play hide and seek? 'cause nobody would be looking for them.
Why was President Banana of Zimbabwe elected? He had great appeal. - Courtesy of my dad.
Two blondes talking... "I took a pregnancy test the other day..." "Oh dear, were the questions hard?"
Awkward=when autocorrect changes 'sooner' to 'sober' so email to 8 yr. old's teacher reads "I apologize for not getting back to you sober"
Hey John, we expend every night together watching the moon and the stars. What we are? We are security guards Peter!
You know what they say. Once you go Mac.... you find out your dads dead. RIP Steve Jobs :(
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side!
To show off my "Downton Abbey etiquette" at the gym, I don't throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.
A new drink Some bars are serving this new drink called the "Hurricane Sandy". It's notjing special, really. It's just a watered down Manhattan.
What's the difference between an archeologists convention and a basketball team? The archeologists convention is a nerdy bunch of diggers.
Old high school classmate: Really? You're about to have your 4th child? Me: Are you surprised I like kids? Him: I'm surprised you had sex.
This joke is so not funny... it makes Robin Williams want to kill himself. too soon?
It was the busta rhymes, it was the worsta rhymes
My job blocked the Favstar website and I'm not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I'm totally taking hostages.
What are homeless ducks always asking for? A lil bit of quack
Whenever I'm sad, my dad tells me "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I know he means well...
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other Ilene. What do you cal an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene
Why is it called the 18th hole and not the final fore
What is long hard and makes you cry. Your cell mate
I'm not racist! I'll have you know my childhood best friend was black, but I haven't seen him since my dad sold him.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on juan
I destroyed this girls life with my dick tonight I didn't tell her I had advanced HIV
Why isn't Hitler allowed at barbecues? Because he burns all the franks but leaves one undercooked.
Did you hear Renault and Ford are going release a hyrbrid vehicle this year mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' together
If you cut off a mommy blogger's head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on him.
What's the fastest branch of the military? The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.
"No Karen I don't want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats" or as I usually say: "Awww how cute"
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
What do you call a white grandmother? A gran-cracker
What's it called when Jesus walks across the street? A cross walk
You're a big fat liar! And I don't believe anything you say! See if I get naked for you again!! -Me to my scale as I step off of it
What do you call five black people having sex? A threesome.
Why do blonds have schools underwater. Because deep down, they're not so stupid.
Hope the big twist in that new M. Night Shaymalan movie is that it doesn't suck.
Do you think it's weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Why don't Arab women need Insurance? Because they are already covered.
What do you call a Mexican that lives in Maine An L.L.Beaner
If only politicians kept their campaign promises... like Harrelson keeps his rampart.
Hey, Trivial Pursuit, way to pick a name that says "This game is pointless."
my anaconda don't want none unless you got snake food this time. last time u tried to feed him buns but the carbs are bad for him
How do you walk a dog with no legs? You don't, you pick it up.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776 me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I told my dad that I wanted to be a comedian He said to me, "You can't be serious."
I hate it when.. I hate it when my black friend disappears in the dark, My white friend in snow, My Chinese friend in sand, And my Middle-Eastern friend in drone strikes.
A astronomer friend of mine told me a space joke... I didn't get it, it was way above my head.
What do you do when an elephant comes into a room? Swim.
A snake walked into a bar... ...and everybody freaked out!
What do you call a sexually active spaghetti? Fetishini Alfredo
Why does Reddit hate Pilipinos? Everybody hates Pilipinos.
What's a nature philosopher's favorite rap song? Thoreau some mo'
What do you call a grandma without teeth giving you a blowjob? No denture adventure.
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino? A visit from the university board of ethics.
Why did the podiatrist want to change careers? Because he always felt defeat.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I like my women like I like my coffee.... Without a penis
Remember when President-Elect Trump said immigrants were going to take our jobs? It's all true! Just ask Michelle Obama!
What do you call a duck that's a drug addict? A quack-head.
What do you call a zombie that runs fast? A zoombie.
The kids next door just challenged me to a water fight. So I'd thought I'd post this while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!?
Just fyi, if you're girlfriend asks you if she should lose some weight... "I love you through thick and thin" is not an appropriate response.
What should be Serena William's nickname? Tennis-ee Williams
What do going down on a girl and talking to the mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
What's the difference between yogurt and white people? If left out for 4,000 years, yogurt will develop culture.
'Pop Goes The Weasel' is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
"Sorry I'm late" Why are there scratches all over your face? "Jujitsu training" You can scratch in jujitsu? "It's my cat's best move"
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.
Debra is short for Debrassiere
Why don't birds ever wear underwear? Because their pecker is on their head.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
What do you get when you cross the Cosby Show with Law &amp; Order: SVU? Women Say the Darndest Things
How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Monkeys screw in trees.
What do you call a funny fungus? A pungi.
What did a confused Mexican alphabet say? K
How many TSA agents does it take to change a lightbulb? None. TSA agents only know how to remove clothes; putting them on is different matter completely.
what is michael J. Fox's favourite beverage? a vanilla shake
So a baby seal walks into a club. The end.
Why was Michelangelo banned from bukakke porn? Cuz he could never paint dat mouth right
Whats the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls, they are under a buck
Just gonna say... Number of times Leonard Cohen died before Trump was elected - 0 Number of times after - 1 Draw your own conclusions...
Who in the Catholic church becomes extremely angry around communists? The Papal Bull.
A very interesting poem &gt; I dig &gt; You dig &gt; He dig &gt; She dig &gt; They dig &gt; We dig It might not be very long, but I think it is very deep.
I can't wait till Harriet Tubman is on the $20 bill That means I can legally own a black person again.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college I don't think I can ever pay you back.
Why did the balloon go near the needle? .... Why did the balloon go near the needle? He wanted to be a pop star.
Life is like a box of chocolates... ... it doesn't last long for fat people.
So I'm balls deep in this guys ass and I go ahead and try to give him a reach-around... And he was hard.. How fucking gay is that?
Whenever I'm feeling I'm getting soft I log in to Facebook to rekindle my hate for humanity.
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.
You are Darth Vader. How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again? You can't.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I don't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your  homework? Pupil: My little sister ate it!
I'm like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.
baseball i was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.
How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY "Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?" No that's socialism "19-20?" SOCIALISM
I Swear, These Jell-o Products Just Keep Getting Worse... It's almost like they're pudding in less effort. I'll see myself out.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats] How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we *bangs fist on table* CAN'T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I asked my friend if it was intended for him to cheese the pizza joke. "Nope Unintended"
We could probably stabilize the economy if everyone stopped stealing grapes.
I Sir Ender declare war on ... wait wait we surrender
How is Trump different from Hitler? Unlike Hitler Trump wants to round up every Juan. Edit : No offence to Trump supporters or anyone!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Beef ! Beef who ? Beef fair now !
What do you get when a camel pukes in the desert? A hot mess.
All Russian babies are born inside slightly larger babies.
What do you call an innovation in scissors? Cutting-edge technology
What did the caught fish say to the fisherman in the net? Well man it's been reel.
My questionnaire for dogs: 1. Do you like to get pet 2. Who is a good boy 3. Is it you
We're adults. It's bad enough we selfie. Don't make it worse with the surprise face selfie
Friend: I need your advice. Me: Wear less eyeshadow. Friend: I meant about my love life. Me: Friend: Me: Friend: Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35? A: Because 36 would be too many.
what do mexicans and cue balls have in common? the harder you hit them, the more english they pick up...
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
"Shotgun!" I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat. I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Damn girl, your ass is like an avacado It's that good kinda fat
*calls son at college* Pop quiz, son "Ok" What's the opposite of a hot dog "Um...a cold cat?" Exactly. Now let's talk about Fluffy
Weird how people think I won't summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter? Amanda Lynn
Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company? I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.
Did you hear what the blind man said to the deaf man? Neither did he.
What kind of bat hangs upside-down? An acrobat.
Q: Why did the parasite listen to the clock? A: Because it liked the tick talk.
Less than 1 month without a pope.... .....and we've already cured HIV.
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
How do you give a quadriplegic a headache? Ask him to hold open the elevator door
I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.
Why don't you buy Ukrainian underwear? Because cher-nob'll fall out
If you can be Batman, always be Batman Some people are Jewish, some are Arabs, but I prefer to be Christian Bale.
TIL John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife dies so he wrote Paradise Regained.
Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: "Which God are we thanking again?" You're welcome :)
Apparently there's this guy who steals people's poops and ties them together.. I shit you knot.
Why does the little Mermaid wear sea shells Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big
Why did the scarecrow win an award? For being out standing in his field.
How to win an argument with a woman: 1. Too late, you're already wrong.
Sweatpants are the uniform of eating ice cream.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me.
I told my wife she shops too much, but she wouldn't listen. She's so damn clothes-minded
If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.
A pedophile and a child go into the woods It's dark and raining. The boy looks up to the man and says, "I'm scared!" The man replies, "You're scared? I'm gonna have to walk out of here alone!"
Iv'e never been so proud of myself.. Just completed a jigsaw puzzle in 8 days.. It said 3-4 years on the box!!
My subaru wasn't working. How awd.
Who is this Rorschach guy? And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?
What's the difference between an Armenian and a Gorilla? Just one hair.
[Founding Fathers] -But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth? -They swear on a bible? -Thats stupid -Hey lunch's here -Done[gavel]
Why did the Yield Sign want to divorce the Stop Sign? He caught her in a 4-way
What was the ambulance saying when they were carrying Satoru Iwata? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U
I like girls in high heels They're always on there toes Whacka, whacka
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing... There were no casual tees.
What happens if Hillary Clinton gets so sick she dies before the general election? ...she goes to hell
I want to walk into a donut shop and yell... "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLE-Y!"
What do you call something that protects your fucking cock during sex? A condom
I used to think LOL meant lots of love. Oh! You're Aunt died? So sorry. LOL! Took me years to rebuild friendships.
How do you get stuck in an annoying conversation with a stranger? Ask someone vaping if you can bum a cigarette.
Why did the groom want his bride to wear white? He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air  Force 1 remodeled? A: Now it's got two left wings.
*gets bitten *becomes shy shy
What would be Jeopardy? If this popular game show told a joke, it would put the punchline first.
how many apples does it take to make a pie? 3.14159265358979323846.....
Waiter there is a cockroach on my steak ! They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir !
I wish I could unhinge my jaw so when the dentist says "open wide," I could really wow him.
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? NA'CHO CHEESE
I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.
"Son, I found a condom in your room." "Gee thanks, Grandpa." "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Well-behaved is past tense for me.
A Dream Job I was interviewed today by a Far East Sultan to be a eunuch to guard his harem of 365 women. What an ideal career!! Sadly, the Sultan told me I wasn't cut out for the job.
TIL I am bad at reposting at the right subreddits
What do you call 13 dwarves and a hobbit inside a mountain? A *smaugasbord*.
What do you call a disabled person committing a drive by? Handicappn.
Why don't Jewish cannibals eat Germans? Because they give them gas.
I don't always go golfing, but when I do I bring two pairs of pants... ....in case I get a hole in one
Jeb Bush just tweeted a picture of a gun engraved with 'Gov. Jeb Bush' with the caption 'America' At least he'll never have to get it re-engraved
Why do carcinogens want to give us cancer so badly? Because they're trying asbestos they can.
You have to remember to be sensitive with jokes about the events in Paris. One mean joke and the reaction could be Explosive
That moment when you finally get your lighter lit and expel a sigh of relief.
If you live in Russia... .. then you must've picked "HARD MODE" at birth.
Hi, my name is Ivanna.. Hi, My Name Is Ivanna Humpalot!
Q: Why don't elephants go skinny dipping? A: They can't get their trunks off.
So Mickie Mouse says to Minnie, "I want a divorce... To which Minnie replies, "Are you fucking crazy!?" Mickie says "No, I'm fucking Daisy"
With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have a good tweet.
Why doesn't anyone like jelly donuts? They have fillings too...
Why did the male feminist take a cold shower? His other attempts to get his dick wet didn't work.
I need your cheesiest jokes (please) I've had a really awful day and frankly need cheering up. I want to hear your worst, corniest jokes to make me smile.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald's.
"Not much. Just hanging out, hoping for World War III." - Map makers
You think you're hardcore? Watch THIS! *Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My wife was vehemently prolife. Until she heard the news that my girlfriend is pregnant.
Why doesn't George RR Martin use twitter? Because he killed all 144 characters -stolen from /r/gameofthrones
Throwing a life preserver to someone drowning in boiling oil is a futile act... Unless of course that life preserver is made of dough.
Losing my virginity was a lot like riding a bike for the first time. My dad was holding me from behind.
What s a Muslim s favorite cologne? GERMANY!!!!
What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit while the other hoots but can't shit
When our solar system was formed, the Sun was in charge... So the planets started a revolution.
Why don't orphans play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
A Polish Man Invented The Toilet Seat A few days later, a German decided to cut a hole in it.
Why did the artist throw his eraser away? Because it wasn't *kneaded*
There's a theory that Princess Diana had dandruff. They found her head and shoulders in the dashboard.
That deal's a sore dick.... Ya can't beat it!
This subreddit
Abortion, just brings out the kid in you.
What do you use to transport pittas? A flatbread truck
Here's a short joke.
What do people with memory loss and posters on r/jokes have in common? They both say the same jokes over and over again.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel? ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.
Why do people who like bondage shy away from anonymous one-night stands? There's no strings attached.
Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife? The jury store
I used to be a necrophiliac... until a rotten cunt split on me.
What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg? First it goes ping then it goes pong.
Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.
"just great, I've lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse" -A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Double standards are not fair! When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.
Why were 80% of Chicago police dash cams broken? Because you need to warm up before you kill a nigga.
[park bench with girlfriend] so you're dumping me because you don't think I'm smart? "yes brent" *starts raining* great and now sky water
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bay-gulls.
Did you know that the average prom... Did you know that the average prom now costs $1,000 dollars. Actually, it costs $2,000 if you count the abortion.
''Have you heard my knock-knock joke?''  asked the blonde.  ''No'' said the brunette.  ''Okay'' said the blonde ''you start.''
I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter. .
For all of us singles out there... Happy Ballantine's day!!
Which is an Islamic trait? A.heading B.heading C.heading
So, I have this new knock knock joke You start... (when you get it)
Lame joke of the day. Why did the turkey get ejected from the soccer game? He had tripped a fan.
Want to feel old? Tsar Simeon I of Bulgaria would be 1,150 years old today!
What's long and green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
What do you call a bottle of seltzer that lost all its bubbles? Water...
It'd be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
How do you know when a cat's done cleaning itself? It's smoking a cigarette.
Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.
Did you know there is a dating website for amphetamine addicts? Speeddating.com
My sex life is such a disaster... My sex life is such a disaster that last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.
Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One because his knee grows.
The NSA: The only part of government that actually listens
What's the difference between Jack Daniel's and General Custer? Jack Daniel's is still killing indians.
i love working at the post office at the north pole and ripping up white children's letters to santa claus
Why aren't their Mexican Olympics? Because all of the Mexicans that can run,jump,and swim are in America!
*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog* *aliens respond* Alien: Whats Updog? NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there
[date slides her top down her shoulder to show me a scar] I got this surfing [I show her my grotesque balls] I was born like this I think
Masturbation
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
I just took the garbage out. In 3D.
What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market? Hello ladies.
A lawyer, a high jumper and an Irish man walk up to a bar The lawyer passed it, the high jumper jumped over it and the Irish man went in and got wasted.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.
Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don't know what "DNR" means.
What's gray, disappointing, and in the shape of an oval?
Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?  A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Hear the one about the miscarriage? I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong
Why do they call it Almond Milk? Because if they called it Nut Juice nobody would buy it.
I've always pictured myself taking selfies.
What is Asia's favourite sitcom? Everybody loves Ramen.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in  front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Son ... How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
What hurts more; giving birth or being kicked in the balls? A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.
My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Me: u can walk around without shoes Teacher: right Me: but after a while it hurts your feet Teacher: ok Me: so time wounds all the heels
My GPA is underwater I Guess you could say it's below C-level
What's the difference between Hitler and Lance Armstrong? Lance armstrong can finish a race
Did you hear about the ghost who got put in prison? He was charged with possession.
Why is stupid monster like a jack-o'-lantern? They both have empty heads.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn't have to chain myself up at night because I don't like going out anyway.
Why can Kylie Jenner see right through Caitlin? She's trans-parent.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I've ever had. Thanks for asking me to sleep with you! Huh. You look upset.
Social life? You mean my phone?
[Request] Jokes about fruit juice? I know it's random ^^ sorry I've been tasked with finding jokes/puns or even short skits about fruit juice (for school). Thanks in advance for your replies :)
I experienced a bad date September 11, 2001
I'm not sure where I stand on abortion I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice
Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.
Be careful what batteries you use. My GF uses Energizer batteries and her kid keeps going and going.
A knock-knock joke for identical twins Knock Knock Who's there? Who's. Who's who? I'm Andrew and that's Anthony.
You know who's full of themselves Narcissistic cannibals
Did you hear the joke about butter? No? I guess it didn't spread then
Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he's still in better shape than I am.
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using the computer? A. There is cheese in front of the mouse.
How do you catch a runaway laptop? With an Internet.
Why did Moses only go down on redheaded girls? He's into that burning bush.
What do you call a racist blind person? A not see.
what's worse than being adopted? finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.
A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates... "You really like those new toy soldiers, don't you?"
Why didn't Jeffrey Dahmer eat vegetables? He didn't like getting rid of all the wheelchairs
when I was a little kid, my mom told me I could do anything when I grew up. that's why I'm suing her
My girlfriend and I use "laundry" as a code-word for sex. Her dad asked me why I couldn't do the laundry by myself so I told him "it's a big load".
Guy walks into a bar... Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck. Bartender said "alright...but don't start nothing!"
Boy: Grandma do you know how to croak. Grandma: No I don't think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says he'll be a rich man when you do.
A law student walks into a bar... He says, "Shit I should've prepared for this."
Have you heard of Evil Knievals brother Ku Klux Knievel? He once tried to jump 50 black mean on a steamroller.
If cars where fueled by bullshit most of your tanks would always be full.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
What do the post office and the San Francisco 49ers have in common? They don't deliver on Sunday
My friend stopped taking steroids recently... It wasn't working out for him.
What is a businessman's favorite game? Call of Duty: Economic Warfare
I haven't slept in days I've been sleeping at night.
What would Forest Gump's Password be? 1Forest1
Vampires, if I want to be jabbed with a body part, teeth are not my 1st choice. Also, I have plenty of holes. No need to make new ones.
The chicken and the road of doom Why did the chicken cross the road? i don't know kernel sanders got him. R.i.p. lil' chicken
the human body is about 70% water but there is not one fish chillin inside of us smh dam humans wack as hell
When I'm happy, I drink and when I drink, I'm happy. Win/win!!
British police don't carry guns. So what exactly do they do then? Yell "STOP... OR I'LL SAY STOP AGAIN!"
What do you do when you see a black man lying on the floor? You stop laughing and shoot him again.
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller GENIE: done M: I wish I was a baller G: done M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics G: done M: dammit
do you have a girlfriend dude? Friend: yeah dude! Me: where is she from? Friend: from a different nation. Me: oh really? Which country? Friend: from imagiNATION.
She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Drink this wine, it's the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it's the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, "Now hear me out"
How many bugs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, as long as they can find a way in.
When choosing a new password.... I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? Just the people who were in charge of that decision.
What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza A pizza can feed a family of four
A Brit and an American are having a conversation. The American says: "Wtf do you mean, 'let's go smoke a fag'?".
I wish I were a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. "Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?!
What is Satan's favorite headset? S810.
chicken pot pie. my three favorite things
Women can't seem to resist my charms. What? They're magically delicious.
When I integrate I don't add the constant I guess I have my limits
What do you call a lesbian that you can't understand? A mad lib...
What's the husband's equivalent of a wife counting the days since her last period? A husband counting the days since he last had sex.
Gay sex is a lot like a pantomime. He's behind you.
My grandfather's broken watch is just as relevant today as it was in the 50s It's a timeless piece, really.
Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!
What Do You Call IDubbbz When He is Angry? Osteoferocious!
Here's a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?
My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn, she asked me to fix her sink 2 hours ago and I'm still fixing her sink
A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
Why does Bono always wear those glasses? Because he still hasn't found what he's looking for.
How is sleeping with a girl whose dad is in the other room the same as being kidnapped? Come quietly and nobody gets hurt.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
wife calls and says "i think the carburetor is flooded" experienced husband starts from the top. "honey, where is the car?" "at the bottom of the pool"
[offensive] what do you call a white outlet White power
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you me: *giggles* wife: me: wife: ...go ahead me: "do do"
Why is a coin factory so logical? Because it makes cents.
A good old sexiste joke What is the difference between a women driving strawberries? None, both are collect in a field.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn't even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I was born to be a pessimist.. My blood type is B Negative.
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? Crib death.
My dad caught me masturbating the other day. He said "son, you'll go blind" I said "dad, I'm over here"
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Hippies screw in tents.
I asked my friend in North Korea how it was there. He said he cant complain...
Why aren't digital images of Bob Marley scalable? Because they're all rasta graphics.
*zip-lines through your living room window* *shakes off the broken glass* YO! DO YOU LIKE BRAD PITT BETTER WITH SHORT OR LONG HAIR!?
There are two types of people in the world There are those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
You never pay the bill Unless it is a tribute to Bill Cosby, you rapist.
When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? When he eats his first Brownie.?
Did you hear about the African comedian who died from a mosquito? He was malarious
Im offended by physicists being all about black matter I think All Matter
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can't stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
People who claim to talk to God are so delusional.. I've never talked to any of them.
I lent my cell phone to my cousin, but he kept going to out-of-service areas causing me to receive extra charges on my monthly bill... So I call him and say "Ay cousin! Stop Roman around!"
Hey billy jokes? Need some more Billy &amp; Highliner Jokes. One is "Hey billy you ever been to sea" "No Captain Highliner but I have been blown ashore"
Everyone should know at least how to fish... So everyone needs learn to be a master baiter.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ten-tickles
Today a feminist asked me 'how I view lesbian relationships?' Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer..
I respect the Secret Service They are the only law enforcement agency in the country that gets in trouble if a black man gets shot.
I painted my computer black... in hopes it would run faster
What's Italian Alzheimer's sound like? "Whoa! fuggodaboutit!"
FDFP-What is a fish's favorite sex position? BASS TO MOUTH Made this one up, not really sure if it would work though. Ass to mouth isn't a sex position per se.
Why is titty fucking a girl the most romantic way to make love? Because it's when you're closest to her heart.
My father asks my mother if the laptop has any battery life Mother: "total Buenos no charge"
What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow ? Slush puppies !
What two letters do you say when you answer the phone? LO
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
How do you make three pounds of fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.
Which sea creature is the most determined? Any fish that is swimming near a dolphin, because then, it swims with a porpoise.
How much money do gay bars make? A buttload.
They say you can never judge a book by its cover. But it's the only way to judge a tribute band.
Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar.... I said, is that a fret?
Seems like Hello Kitty should be a brand of condoms.
I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... And doesn't.
Don't forget to insult random strangers on the internet today, morons. <3
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!
So there I was... ...balls deep in a man's ass. He turns around and asks "Hey, can I have a reach-around?" So I asked, "What are you, gay?"
Where do mice park their boats? At the Hickory Dickory Dock!
Did you hear Nickleback became a footbal team? They're called QuarterBack now
What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend? On the front page of reddit.
Some people say I'm unemployed, but I say I work.. for steam customer support
[stop light] It will turn green in 5 4 3 2 1.. And Now It Will Turn Greeeeeeeen *turns green* Ah yes nailed it.
What did the white guy see when he looked at his family tree? A straight line.
Can we stop calling actors "brave"? "I cant believe he had the courage to play dress up pretend time make believe"
I was asked to leave the PTA because they don't consider what I do parenting.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Cleavage is like the Sun, you can glance at it for only a second, but if you wear sunglasses, you can look much longer.
What Bird? Which bird symbolizes love? Swallow.
Birthdays are good for your health Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!! when do we want them? RIGH
Why did Jesus die ? He forgot his safe word.
What do you get when einstein jacks off???? a stroke of genius!!!!! (its terrible, i know)
Got let out of prison today. The warden turned and asked "can you take any positives from your time in here?" I smiled "Yeah actually, the wife can't ever call me a tight arsed bastard again"
Houses If the Red House is red and the Blue House is Blue, what color is the Green House? ... Brown. I accidentally broke the sprinkler system.
Two ducks are in a pond One says "quack!" The other says "man, i was just about to say that!"
Synonames: two names that fit the same type of person (see: Trish and Pam)
[hospital] DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR ME: I'm here for a sprained ankle DOCTOR: She insisted
My signature move is signing a piece of paper.
Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That's like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.
You should never call your ex a whore It's offensive to prostitutes everywhere.
Texting messages on the cell phone at 12 midnight ... - How are you baby? - I am in bed and thinking about you ... And you my dear? - I am at a club ... And sitting right behind you!!
Van Halen on tour in 2012! I doubt the Mayans realized they'd be up against "Drop Dead Legs" when they predicted the end of the world.
A man walks into a bar in Westeros And the bartender says "stop speaking in third person Jaqen for fuck's sake"
What happens when you get some vinegar in your ear? You suffer from pickled hearing!
Question to a crying child Q: Why did the drunken father go to jail? A: Beats me
Why do gay people dress so well? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing!
What is white outside, and black inside [NSFW] Justin Beiber with Usher dick in his anus.
Yo mama is so ghetto her wedding dress was a tall-t
I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come to me
Threesomes I never understood the obsession with threesomes , if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would have lunch with my parents.
If you assume you make an ass out of you and me
Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large  loaf of bread? It was a crusty steed!
Did you guys hear about the fight in the bathroom? Two bums got wiped
Mitches ain't shit but guys named Mitchell.
I haven't seen anyone in a yellow jersey this disgraced since Lance Armstrong.
What's one thing that a canoe will do that a Jew won't? tip!
Sorry I said, "Whoa, hope he's good at math." when you showed me your kid's finger painting.
I tell this joke all the time on Reddit... ...it never gets gold.
My fiancee is like a good joke Short and Sweet
It would be easier to walk into Mordor than Gondor Because of the number of entrances
On a scale of 1-10 how retarded do you think we, as humans, are? 9/11
What's the difference between a cow and the Holocaust? A cow can't be milked for 70 years.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
What do you call a seizure you have while mining? An ore spasm.
You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship? It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.
I've reached this point in life, where I have no idea what I'm doing. I've always been there, I just admit it now.
If iron man is a superhero what's iron woman? a command
2 guys walking down the road... they see a dog, licking its junk. "I wish I could do that." "Uhhh....you might want to try petting him first."
It's cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the taser wrong.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch!
A few dad jokes a customer told me. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meet Patty.
Why No 1 likes Apple So there are some people in an electronics store and the computers are just Apple. Then someone farts and its bad,but someone says 2 bad there's no Windows
"Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop" Ok hold up *pulls out iphone* "Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop" ISIS:"ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?"
Why did the acid perform poorly? Because it didn't concentrate.
If you don't think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you're probably the boss
me: *dies* mom: no get up you still have to go to school.
How do you catch defish? With debate.
Why do you never see elephants hiding behind trees? Because they are very good at it.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Given away for free at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
I hate when people ask what I see myself doing in 5 years How would I know, I don't have 2020 vision
So a politician dies... Ha!
A slice of pizza walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food."
People always say that obesity runs in their family... I don't know about you but in my family obesity waddles in my family
Apparently its true. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
what is your dirtiest joke ever What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone's been in a 747.
Why are elephants large grey and wrinkly? Because if they were small round and white they would be  aspirins.
All you dads out there couldn't hold a candle to my dad. He's petrified of candles.
I like short logarithm equations... I guess you could say that I'm a ln-icon.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I'm taking a morning after pill NOW.
Why did the girl fall out of the swing? Because she has no arms
nicest girl - You're the nicest girl and prettier than I have known - You what you want is fuck me - Wow and smarter.
[Family Feud] What's your answer?! *whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people
What did the cow say to the masked robber? Moo.
A gorilla walks into a bar... And several people get up to leave seeing the possible danger of the situation.
Technically, ears can be "Love Handles" too.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave M: I can't believe they went off the registry. J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.
What do you call a pig with no legs? A groundhog
Eminem made $3.3 mil for 2 concerts over the weekend. Can't WAIT to hear his next album, about how shitty his life is
yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
Why don't more dinosaurs join the police  force? They can't hide behind billboards.
What's black and doesn't work? Decaf coffee...you fucking racist.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Cop: You been drinking?nnMe: No.nnCop: Say the alphabet backwards.nnMe: Alphabet the. nnCop: Hilarious. Say each letter.nnMe: Each letter.
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their pecker's on their face!
What's the best part about having a deaf child? You can have sex as loudly as you want.
The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast. Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Did you hear that actress got stabbed? That Reese, uhhh, whats her name? Reese ....... "WITHERSPOON?" Nah she got stabbed with a knife.
(Date) Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks. Her: You mean panic attacks? Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Looking at a playground, how can you tell which kid is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing.
I called in a reserve player... from the wrong team! Whoops, wrong sub
hey magic 8 ball, why cant humans fly "thats not a yes or no question" then how did you just say that "Yes" no come on ju- "Ask Again Later"
"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said. "Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."
The police got all the democrat protesters in California to leave last night They gave them participation awards
Obama, The CIA, and Darpa walk into a bar... The End.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time-consuming.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off
Higgs Boson goes into a Catholic Church... The priest says, "you're not welcome here". Higgs Boson says "you can't have mass without me." . . . . . drrrrrrr dish! * Exit Stage Right *
I'm holding a benefit for people with erectile dysfunction or orgasm issues. If you can't come, let me know.
Three advantages of Alzheimers One: You meet new people everyday. Two: On Easter Day you can hide your own eggs. Three: You meet new people everyday.
The NFL has hired their first female referee. She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Sarcasm: confusing stupid people and pissing off idiots everywhere.
Charlie Sheen is like Ash Ketchum BeBecause they both catch things
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What do you call a drunk executioner? A dun-GIN keeper. Edit: You have my permission to post this on r/dadjokes
What did god say when he created the first black man? fuck you
My Garden Statue Called In Sick Today He has Gnome-onia.
I just saw a man get hit by a car...he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
What do you Call a Bunch of Horny Teenagers Argueing? A *Mass Debate*
What do you call someone who talks on their phone during dinner? Cellfcentered
You guys ever hear the one about the man who ran naked through the church? They caught him by the organ.
How can you tell if someone does crossfit? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? Because he was too far out, man.
What does a Gynecologist and a Pizza Boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it
hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume
A young Jewish boy asks his father for $50... His father says, "$40? What do you want $30 for??"
What is the difference between Digg and Reddit? People can Voat.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The Wheelchair
Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.
Why did the chicken get himself run over by a car? To get to the "other side".
If I ever adopted a child, I think it'd be black. I really don't want to have to pay for college.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life
Anidiot Clicks Hah, you just clicked, "An idiot clicks"
What is the favorite note of a priest? A minor
Why is six uncomfortable around seven? Because seven times seven was odd
Food snobs "May I take your order? " the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens? " "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die. "
Everyone seems to like tinman from wizard of oz... But I can't stannum.&gt;_&gt;
Sarah Palin is going to Haiti? Haven't these people been put through enough this year?
If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse, would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?
What do you call a cock-muncher's favorite meal..? Not me.. Stop calling me that.
[Guy Joke] How is wearing crocs like being blown by a dude? It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
Have you ever been in a Schindler's Lift? If you have, then did you ever feel that it could have carried more people?
I'm going to walk up to strangers and ask "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.
What do Jesus, Gandhi and Mel Gibson all have in common? They all had a brave-heart.
Porn addiction is a serious thing I have first hand experience.
There are only two four letter words that are  offensive to men: "don't" and "stop".
Why do you duct tape guinea pigs? So they don't burst when you fuck them
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
What's the difference between a pizza and a homeless girl? I don't peel the crust off the pizza before I eat it.
*sees cars lined up outside church* wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding? me: What's the difference?
Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi
Roses are black Violets are black It's late at night I didn't pay the electric bill.
I'd rather vote for Monica Lewinsky than Hillary Clinton... ...because at least a little bit of Bill rubbed off on Monica!
Q. What does CHAOS stand for? A.The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
So far, I've gotten away with passing as an adult again today.
The only reason most men are homophobic is because they are afraid of being hit on in the same manner that they do to women(cat call)
I've been thinking about you...Owl night long.
No girl jokes. Period.
Windows 9 Why didn't Microsoft release Windows 9? Because Windows 7 8 9.
What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and a raped Middle Eastern woman? They got stoned to death.
What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal* ok relax, just be cool.. "bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy"
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
weekend plans: -solitude -cheese
Love my pillow so much because it doesn't leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
Psych visit A guys shows up at a psychiatrist's office nude, wrapped in celophane. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".
The act of questioning can be intimidating. Isn't it?
If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions... I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.
Me "Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg." Her "Who's Donna??"
As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don't all have the same accent, I'm probably going to get fired from storytime.
Dasher, dancer, prancer, and vixen. The four stages of Bruce Jenner.
Sodium Person 1: "Hey dude do you know what the symbol for Sodium is?" Person 2: "Na" Person 1: "I'll ask someone else then thanks anyway"
At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
Two of my favourite moments in my life were when I won my first fight and lost my virginity I hit him so hard he slept through the whole thing
What would happen if a rodent were to crawl into, and die in, a piece of equipment made by Dell? ... it would create a fell Dell smell.
If a tree falls in the forest and kills a mime... ...would anybody care?
That bull you sold me is a lazy good-for-nothing! I told you he was a bum steer!
I took this guys order at work last night. It was delicious.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex? BLEACH I MIGHT BE
What is black and rhymes with Snoop Dogg? Dr. Dre
My dentist bumped into my orthodontist. I'm sure it was acci*dental*.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.
What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? Imagination.
What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common? They both take their sweet time before the second coming.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Just saw a man talking on a pay phone... I should call the cops right?
What 11 letter word does every Yale graduate spell incorrectly? I n c o r r e c t l y
My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.
I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I'm tackling her much more than usual
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Did you hear about the coprophile? He got off through a process of elimination.
"Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife
What do you call it when you buy stocks of a clothing company? A good in-vest-ment
What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.
I don't date Chinese girls... That's a big red flag for me...
My Thai girlfriend said to me that a tiny penis should't be a problem in a relationship. I still wish she didn't have one.
What is a cardiologists favorite wine Vena Cava
What's a porn star's favorite drink?
What is Mike Tyson's favorite thing for a woman to wear? Thort thorts.
What's the difference between oral sex and...... Brussel Sprouts? If you're forced to have either as a kid you're going to hate it as an adult.
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."
People commonly believe that Jesus died a virgin, but I heard he got nailed right before he died. Blasphemy.
What do you call the place where lesbian Eskimos meet up? A Klondike Bar
What do you call a short cowboy? Subdude
What do Aussies call mates? Cunts. "Sup cunt".
during my morning commute i like to make the "roll down your window" gesture to the car next to me then yell "DID YOU POOP YET TODAY?"
Funny Jokes testdfdfdfdfdfd
A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am I told her, "namaste in bed".
Why is Santa Claus always a man? Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
What do you call a tooth in a glass? A one molar solution.
how does rex reclaim make his music? he composts it
A police officer called my attention He asked why I have red eyes.......Now we both have sore eyes
Me and Justin Trudeau have alot in common... We both hope our budget will balance itself
Why were George and Lennie sad? (Of mice and men joke) Because they ran out of Weed :D
Why are the nordic countries the best countries to live in? Their flags are big plusses.
What did the sick waiter say when his manager asked him if he could come into work? I can't wait.
I was going to make a subreddit about middle children today, But then I realised everyone would just forget about it.
Pavlov is sitting in a bar when a phone rings. He jumps of his chair and yells - "Damn, I forgot to feed the dogs"
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
What do you do if you are driving your car in central Manhattan and you see a space man? Park in it, of course.
The Helen Keller doll is gonna be hot this Christmas ... Wind it up and it walks off a table ...
If Shakespeare was a pun master Then he would make a play on words
I asked my racist granddad what does he think should be illegal... His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .
My Football coach got fired because he got accused on Pedophillia charges. But say what you want about the man, he could turn any young tight end into a wide receiver.
My Grandfather has hearing aids. He got it from phone sex.
Last night I had an orgy on a camping trip. It was fucking in tents!
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[Japan] HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste? *distant Godzilla noises*
A redneck won't let his son marry the girl down the way... He told his son, "If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for you."
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
TEN&gt;NINE Doctor:" I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have  only 10 to live." Patient : "What do you mean by 10?10 what?Months?Weeks?" Doctor: "Nine."
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese.
I just watched a movie following a black man in a zombie apocalypse. It was the shortest movie I've ever watched.
If you tell me to "chillax," I will "chillstab" you and "chillaugh" while you bleed to "chilldeath."
A waiter accidentally slipped and threw curry all over an extremely rude customer... ... It was chicken karma
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19 -Prime Minister
So, a man with a baby newt on his head walks into a barber's... And says, "Short back and sides, axolotl off the top."
An alcoholic walks into a bar. He's so drunk, he doesn't feel anything.
Q: Why did the blonde make love in the microwave? A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.
Like if you believe in God. Remember he saw you reading this.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I'm guessing it's the same place you're going.
3 guys walk into a bar you would think one of them would have seen it.
Rebecca Romaine Lettuce. Is that something? I don't care. It's just one tweet in an entire universe. Who gives a shit.
The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? Goes back four seconds.
An accident... It's an accident waiting to happen when your country has an obesity epidemic... And a skinny jeans fad at the same time.
How to cats greet each other at  Christmas ? "A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Toucan.
You know what really burns my ass? A midget with a lighter.
I was born caesarean. You can't really tell, although, whenever I leave the house I go out through the window.
Honesty is the best policy But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind.
I was going to repost this really condescending joke I read, but... you guys didn't get it last time, and probably wont get it this time either.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
My girlfriend might be a gorilla... Everyone is always taking their dicks out for her.
What is Donald Trump's favourite drink? A white Russian.
I already have a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. ... ... I would drive my first car every day, and only drive the DeLorean from time to time.
Why did Darth Vader get suspended from the Police? He was under investigation for excessive use of Force
With the terror and all the negative things going on in the world today, it's remarkable that Charlie Sheen is able to stay positive.
If you work at the office in a police station... Does that make you an officer?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight? Me: Absolutely not D: Why? M: Because I said so D: Because you ate them? M: Yes
What do you call a Mexican detective? Sherlock, homes
What happens when a bull and a horse go to a bar? They get BUCKED up!
How many nuts does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Brazilian
Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup? It was a great U.S. attack from Midway
How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.
What do you call an Irishman who studies dinosaurs? a paleontologist.
Father's Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
My coffee tastes like the dishwasher. Makes me wonder how Carl's doing and if he still has that same distinct flavor.
The reason why I am single. Watching batman vs superman with gf. Suddenly wonder women's entry, instant boner. Gf ask wtf is that. I replied dark knight rises
Brazil - Germany Football Game Ok, I see Germany scored a touchdown and point after, but how the heck did Brazil get 1 point?
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
April showers bring May flowers, but do you know what May flowers brings? Pilgrims.
Therapist: what's upsetting you? Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a table, Linda
Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles. 1. They can get wet without taking a shower. 2. Bleed without being hurt. 3. Producing milk without eating grass. 4. Making boneless meat hard.
Reddit's front page has more intellectual news stories than my local TV stations I don't understand it because I'm only 3 years old.
Hey kids, don't forget to look both ways before getting hit by a car.
how do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their tiny brooms.
Anyone else like the holidays of other cultures? Like, I love the one where you take a bunch of presents and hide them in the attic. Or as you may know it, Anne Frank's birthday.
What do you call a black pilot? A pilot, you racist bastard.
Fat girls are like Segways. They are fun to ride but you never want to be seen riding one by a friend.
Maybe it's the LSD talking but I am the walrus goo goo goo joob.
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
Irony Just an alloy of Fe and Yttrium
I've been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can't even remember why I'm still eating memory foam
I hate tacos! Said no Juan ever.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there's no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Da Bears. That's it that's the whole joke.
you miss 100% of shots you don't take
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
What's the different between a pilot and a pepperoni pizza? I give a shit when my pizza is burnt.
COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest?? COP 2: easy...he was in the water they drop on forest fires WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO
NSFW What do you get when you stab a toddler with a pair of scissors? An erection.
Friend at the pub says: if they ever make a film on Oscar Pistorius, it shouldn't be called 'Bladerunner', it should be called.... Taking the Pisstorius.
Did you hear about the kid that became a paraplegic? He had to roll with it...
In which sub does OP deliver most often? /r/babybumps/
How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her two test tickles I will see myself out. Thank you and have a good day
A guy ate part of his own arm while tripping on acid. After he found out what he'd done, he shit himself.
Elephant How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Show Jumping Some people call it "Show Jumping" I like to call it *Sarah Jessica Parkour*
Why didn't Bono sell any wheat bread at his bakery? Cuz it's all rye, it's all rye, it's all rye.
What do you call a female to male sex change? an addadicktomy.
No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
As individuals we are weak like a twig... But as group we might become a mighty faggot.
Her: Isn't she your girlfriend? Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn't checked her voice mail yet...
What do you tell someone who doesn't like Depeche Mode? Enjoy the silence.
Where will Donald Trump find the workers to build this Great Wall? Outside of Home Depot...... Maybe I should shoot myself in the foot. Not trying to be racists, but you get the point.
Flying illegally in the animal carriage are really comfortable in a way. Bad side? There're no toilet. Good side? They don't question the smell.
I found a sub for Ethiopian Food. . /r/ethiopianfood
No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER. Family: uh...this is an Intervention Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she's crying
My veterinarian told me to stop feeding my cows round bales of hay... they don't provide a square meal
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
For you Atlanta Ga folks Welcome to Decatur, where the men are men and so are the women. Welcome to Midtown, where the women are women and so are the men.
I just signed a deal with my liquor store that when I die I'll be stuffed in the Capt. Morgan pose and displayed inside their store.
There's a gay rights group suing the tobacco companies. Because they only sell straight-cut chew.
What's a horses' favorite hip-hop dance? The neigh-neigh.
"If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, if I act like I'm asleep he'll leave" - Me getting pulled over
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.
What type of sound system does a Saab have? A Saab-woofer :)
So what do you think? New hair? No Shoes? No Bag? No Pants? No * 3 days later watching TV OMG u rearranged the living room - Men
What is the favorite sports team at the twin towers? The Jets
Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A. Finding half a worm.
I've been procrastinating on lots of projects which means I've been multitasking all morning which means I've earned a nap.
What's Wolverine's favorite candy bar? SNIKTERS
Welcome to Sarcastic Club Im sooo happy to see you all Anyone know the 1st rule? "Be less sarcastic?" Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Why couldn't hitler go to the barbecue He burnt the franks
Hey baby, you want to come back to my place? I do one hell of a Bill Cosby impression I'd love to show you
If women only knew of the horrors men have imagined to prevent premature ejaculation. We've seen things. Horrible horrible things.
what's the square root of 69? ate something.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? Hey! We really DO taste like chicken!
What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common? They have access to arms.
Where do they make contentment? At the satis-factory.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust A guns only weakness is Obama and rust.
Your momma... Your momma is so fat when she gets into the elevator it HAS to go down
The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".
What do you call an illegitimate fish who crapped itself? A bassturd
So my penis used to be in the Guinness book of world records I'm not allowed in Barnes and Noble anymore
When I make Breakfast all I want is a "Thank You", Not "Who are you and how did you get into my house"
I got the chance to watch a women's final for beach volleyball last night... What a semi!!
I'm getting an MRI tomorrow... to find out whether or not I'm claustrophobic.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
It's weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That's like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Why hasn't Harper Lee had any kids? Because she's never spoonfed anyone anything.
I know a husband and wife who were happy for a very long time and then they met.
What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea? Plenty of room.
I want to be an organ donner My priest said to give my heart to Jesus.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but you have to wonder how they got in there.
So I got a text from a guy. He said he lives across the street and would like to get to know me. I answered that I live in front of a cemetery and those kind of acquaintances scare the shit out of me.
My friend's a psychology major. He's writing his thesis on the psychology of sexual fetishes. It's not ready yet, though- he still has some kinks to work out.
Our principal is so stupid Boy: Our principal is so stupid. Girl: Don't you know who i am? Boy: No. Girl: I'm the principal's daughter. Boy: Do you know who i am? Girl: No. Boy: Good (walks away)
What does a selfish cow say? "Meeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog? Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. :(
What do you get. . . If you crush a hundred rednecks to death in a car crushing machine? An erection.
"Give me a positive adjective..." "Splendid." "Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?" "Splendidn't."
What has two wings and a halo? A chinese man on the phone! Wing wing, halo?
You'd think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Son: Mom, when I will grow up enough to get out of the house without asking you? Mom: Son, your dad has not grown up as much yet.
My only fitness goal is to look good enough where if I ever posed naked people wouldn't see it and say, "Wow, that's so brave of him."
I finally got the confidence to be a peeping tom For the longest time, I was just beating around the bush
Wife just said "burgs" instead of "burgers" and now I'm a little scared to think of what she's going to do with all the time she saved.
I would totally support the development of a 14-year after pill.
My girlfriend's dad asked me what I do... Apparently "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
Trump should have called his rally in Chicago a "job fair" non of the protesters would've been there
Doctor Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed what can I do? Saw the legs off of your bed!
Although Bugs Bunny starred in many cartoons, why did he die a pauper? He ate all the cabbage he made.
Where is the best place to find Eskimo Lesbians? At the Klondike Bar.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes
I named my penis Kobe. I drink lots of beer and massage it.
What do you call a Middle Eastern sorceress? A sandwitch.
You know what they say about assuming things... No I have no idea!! Did you assume I did?!
I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.
You know when your a procrastinator when... You're
How do you make an elephant fly? First, you get a great big zipper...
By 98 to 1, U.S. Senate passes amendment saying climate change is real, not a hoax.
[on date] Here, let me help you with your jacket! *i gently remove her jacket* This is mine now. Cya
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Today I fucked up by posting in the wong subreddit... Also titled the post incorrectly and made a typo, like an ediot. Edit: idiot
Me: Pull my finger. Doctor: Ok. [finger detaches] Me: AAAAHHHHH! Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!! ME: haha j/k that's actually why I came in.
My drive was long today; I hit every red light. The traffic signals were a pain as well.
Two chimps are in the bath One says "ooh oooh eek eek" The other one says "well put some cold water in then!"
Me: What do you want for breakfast? Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES! Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Why is the African Justice System so flawed? Because there's too many *hung* juries.
What person adds best in hot weather? A summer.
What's a gay guys favorite pizza? Meat lover's
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween* Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding....
Why did the condom fly out of the window? Because it was pissed off.
[Date] Me: You're a scientist? Him: Yeah M: You like chemistry? H: M: Wanna get in my genes? H: M: *slow winks* H: Are you having a stroke?
What did the Pilipino orphan boy say to the linguist who wanted to adopt him? I'll tagalog!
Jimmy Kimmel, Justin Beiber and The Burger King walk into a boxing mach...
"I love watching myself in the mirror while I shoot dope." Said Tom in vain.
Q: What do you get when you mix a mouse with some laundry detergent? A: Squeaky clean clothes.
if you press "up down up down left right left right" on the soft spot of the baby's head, they do a super move.
What has two arms,two legs and eats ants? Uncles
Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people. They already have enough on their plates.
Donald Trump will be more presidential now that he is the nominee No Juan believes that!
My wife left me over my pasta fetish I'm feeling cannelloni right now
What's the difference between my 83-year old grandfather and /r/Jokes? My grandfather doesn't have Alzheimers
What do you call the murder of Chickpeas? Houmous-cide.
What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream in the oven Sorry
A midget walks into a bar.. he`s wearing a T-shirt that reads "I hate all Paki`s" I thought to myself...."that`s a little racist"
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What Disease Do You Get When You Have Sex With Harry Potter? Hogwarts.
So a man walks into a bar with a monkey. I forget the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.
If there are liberal arts colleges, why aren't there any conservative arts colleges? Well, there used to be conservative arts colleges, but they were all defunded.
Calm the fuck down, Nutrition Facts labels on bottled water.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa's elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Punch Lines "The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born."
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply 'with a cutlass' but I want her to pay for masters...
LPT: Do not fall in love with tennis players Love means nothing to them
"Daddy, am I going to die someday?" "No, you're the only immortal being in the entire world. Goodnight, stupid."
Commercial for Twitter: "Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?"
Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim
Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Don't be offended if someone doesn't reply to your text. Their phone is probably just "on silent" or "right in front of their lying face."
What do you call a woman with egg and sausage on here face? Cafe
What's the difference between Barack Obama and a mark on a gift? One's a President and the other's a pressie dent. i'll see myself out.
I sneezed real hard, and while I did not break any bones, I did sustain some tissue damage.
How many PMSing women does it take to change a lightbulb? Six. Why? It just does! OKAY!
What's a racist photographer's favorite hobby? Crushing the blacks.
You know what was lit? The Freedom Bus.
What noise does a Nintendo ambulance make? Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u
Man walks into a bar... Ouch that hurt. Man walks under a bar... LIMBO CHAMPION!
the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually "cloaking" they just turned all their lights off
After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.... ...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."
How do you sink the unsinkable? Zat is a qvestion for a philosopher, not a comedian!
'Bout to get white girl wasted (drink 3 dirty martini's, squeal about loving everyone, eat chicken fingers & vomit).
Daniel Day-Lewis sent over 20 million emails to prepare for his role as LinkedIn
In bed with my Japanese girlfriend when I happened to remark that her twat was getting a bit saggy .......... She lost it and said " Fack you maddafacka, why you always clittysizing me"!!!
My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor. Imagine my surprise when a girl with a penis appeared.
What do you call a scam artist who uses his vocabulary to commit crimes? A LexiCon
I'd rather have a crying baby on my flight than a white dude who just did a trip to thailand and cant stop talking about it
I told my dad I didn't want to walk all the way there... ...He said: "That's a lame excuse".
Knock knock. Who's there? The Spanish Inquisition.
One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line in front of me with the food stamps!!!
I've had insomnia so much it is starting to worry me. But I won't lose any sleep over it.
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight ? When they had lots of sleepless knights !
How is a pedophile similar to a tortoise? They both want to get there before the hare.
What's the difference between a job and a wife? After 10 years, a job still sucks!
MILEY Y U NO PARTY IN OTHER COUNTRY?
It's Afro Carribean Hair Day at work tomorrow... ...I'm dreadin' it.
Saying "I'm sorry" is the same as saying "I apologize" ...Except at a funeral.
How does a man see things from woman's point of view? By looking out the kitchen window.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor 'hey, where'd your watch go?'
This murderer my friend knew double crossed him. He really stabbed him in the back.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday. Never seen a man cry like that before.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me [later] ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Stop calling it "sweater weather" and call it what it really is, "I don't have to shave my legs for 6 months weather."
I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyear s.
What is a physicist's favorite cookie? Sig-fig Newtons
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters
A man walks into a zoo... The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
What came first, internet porn or "clear all search history"?
Top colleges are now offering a bachelors for mens hairdressing... ...but they call it "manscape architecture"
Took my Grandma to a nibble fish spa.. It's cheaper than burial or cremation!
If you don't sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you're missing out on one of the best things in life.
I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over
I never believed that faith could move mountains But I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers
*Jesus emerges from tomb* Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?
The ACLU has informed me that Mother's Day is too inclusive. So Happy Everyone Gay Pride AIDS Awareness Aboriginal Illegitimate Child Day!
first time posting a joke, go easy Sponge bob walks into the Krusty crab and finds mr crabs on the floor. "Sponge bob, i need money." Sponge bob turns around and yells "call the Jews"
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
What's a pedophile do on a Saturday night? Netflix and chill-dren.
What do you call a pig with no legs? A groundhog!
"I did not expect to encounter so many snakes when I booked this flight!" #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
Your plastic surgery looks amazing. Your rotting, lifeless corpse is going to look so young. The other corpses will be so jealous.
What did the priest announce before he went for a bath? "Speak now or forever hold your pee!"
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino...
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I spend like $600 every month on free trials for stuff I forgot to cancel.
My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt
A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.
I used to be a phone sex worker... until I got hearing aids.
Naughty Boy Teacher said the students to convert the sentence "I killed a person" into future tense. Suddenly one of the boys stands up and said, Sir the future tense is "u will go to jail"!
When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a  date.
My dating life
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I like my women like I like my radioactive isotopes... Really hot and completely unstable.
Abortion sure brings out the kid in you.
What is something that you can never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
What do you call a well-hung gay man? Fruit by the foot.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My bloodtype is really disappointing. My doctor keeps saying "be positive".
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
A dad in Alabama says to his son... "We entered this world from the same birth canal."
In bed they call me Snickers... ... Because I always satisfy!
Who likes wet cock and hates soggy cereal? A chicken with a water fetish.
What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in a bubble bath? The girl in church has her soul full of hope...
When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land... Also, I don't want to be cremated.
Hey darling, what would you like for Christmas? "Oh... I don't know... maybe something that gets from 0 to 100 in seconds when I step on it?" "So... bathroom scales?"
How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb? One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it?!
Did you hear the one where a father told his kid to quit masturbating or he'd go blind? His kid said, "Dad, I'm over here!"
I'm thinking about opening a veterinary clinic for female dogs with broken legs. Gonna call it "Bitches Be Trippin"
Relationship status: My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she's ok now, I was caught.
Whenever I see people exercising early in the morning I think, "Wow! I'm so impressed I'm up this early!"
Sorry girls, I'm no Bruno Mars, I won't catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I'd use you as a human shield.
A Clinton presidency is like an iPhone 7. I really don't want an iPhone 7, but I'll probably end up with one anyway.
My parents just got their first computer. Nigeria, go easy on my inheritance.
Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy? Because he only made a good buccaneer.
Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby? He was accused of wreckless driving.
Why do women make better pilots than men? They only have one joystick to worry about.
Love is... when you washed your cat and it still comes to you after.
What is gray, has a trunk, and big ears? A mouse going on vacation.
What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college? About thirty thousand dollars a year.
What's the most awkward part of a redneck wedding? When her father and brother walk her down the isle.
What's the greatest birthday present?  Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in by reps
ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend? 8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it
If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won't be able to come over & visit.
What is the toughest religion to get into? The Difficult.
Maths joke: if you have a pizza with radius z and thickness a, it's volume is pizza (or pi*z*z*a)
[GOT SPOILER] Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is? Because his watch has ended.
What do you call a Paraplegic runner? A Boston Marathon Victim.
Hey, same-height couples. You're weird. Everyone thinks so.
Please pray for my friends' 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn't photographed or documented on Facebook today.
How does a Jewish guy get his favorite beer? Hebrews it himself.
It's impossible for a woman to say I'm not overreacting' without screaming.
How does a fetus like it's amniotic fluid? At womb temperature!
What is a neckbeard's favorite fish? M'ahi
Seeing as Rick Parfitt has died, does that mean... ...that the Status Quo has not been maintained?
Imagine Putting 5 worth of fuel in your car and your cars like "well, since we're both being childish" And refuses to open the door.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
What's the difference between sex and a corporation? In sex the person on top does most of the work.
I live in fear that one day the real "World's Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I'm scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
So embarrassed... ...thought sombody cute was staring at me so i stared back. But then i realized we were both just the negative space around a vase
Why couldn't the blonde make icecubes? because she lost the recipe.
What did Batman say to The Joker ? I like to Fuck Pigs !! Lol !!
The 21st century: Deleting history is often more important than making it.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I like my.... I like my women how I like my font ... 18 and **bold**
Weed is better than beer because with weed the ugly chick stays ugly.
What old-time song is the burgers' favourite? 'Hammy' - as sung by Al Jolson!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
So here I am in this internet cafe... ...with the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen reading every word I ty
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown suit.
What's the length of the world's smalest possible sea creature A PLANCKton unit
Why can't Asian parents make a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white
Gay men make sure you're using protection You know: body armor, pepper spray, concealed carry-hand gun, first-aid kit, maybe a flare gun too.
Pulleys are the rednecks of the gear world No teeth
What was a telemarketer's worst nightmare! He could not connect with the callee.
Why were the inventors of the airplane correct in thinking they could fly? Because they were Wright.
Remember, if you smoke after sex... ...You're doing it too fast!
Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off.
Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off!
"I'm so hungry, I could eat a human baby." Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned "Corn-fed organic of course, I'm not a monster."
Whats the difference between a dead baby and a black man? A dead baby can feed a family of four
My belly is fat My brain has delay. You guessed it right. I'm from NA.
Hey baby, I'm a power source, and you're the kind of resistor i'd like to deliver my load to.
Gary: "Doctor, I think I'm losing my memory". Doctor: "Since when?" Gary: "Since when what?"
I've just had my first coffee. To be honest, it wasn't my cup of tea.
Every women should have four animals. A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for everything!
I hate people who make generalisations. They're all hypocrites.
What's better than seeing a girl wrestle?... Seeing her box.
Whats do a baby and old people have in common? They both get ditched in the park
TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived. Apparently it protects against harmful rays.
Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has 4 rabbits' feet.
What's the one phrase gays will be reluctant to say now? "Shoot it in my mouth"
I found this joke today HAHA APRIL FOOLS BITCHES
My family leaves lights on that I didn't even know we had.
What did JayZ say to the theoretical mathematician? I feel sorry for you son, I got 99 problems but you got imaginary ones
The sun is so self centered... It acts like the world revolves around it.
How do you get someone with a doctorate in philosophy to leave your house? Just pay for your pizza.
How does Soylent Green taste? It varies from person to person.
Chuck Norris actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
So PSY's song "Dear American" includes the lyric "Kill them all slowly and painfully" and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.
Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying] "he must've meant a lot to her."
Why did the friendzone kid love to spoon? Because sleeping on your side prevents suffocation
If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies? Swallows.
A guy walks out from home... I bet you were waiting for a small line of text. Here ya go.
Is your name Malaysian Airlines? Cause baby, i'm lost in you.
Why did Little Sally drop her ice cream cone? Because she got hit by a bus
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I'm just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I've really got to stop being so anti-semitic... or else I'm going to get audited soon
There's no "u" in narcissist
Did you hear about the baby born with no eyelids? They used his foreskin for an eyelid skin graft. . . . . . ***Now the poor guy is cock-eyed***
How does the moon cut his hair Eclipse it
What do old people smell like? Depends
I always eat what's put in front of me... ...and that's why I'm no longer allowed to be a gynaecologist.
pessimist vs optimist (x-post from funny) The pessimist says, It can't get any worse!' And the optimist replies, Oh yes it can!
Why is it that arms tell the funniest jokes? Because they are humerus
It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again.
May the bards singeth this song henceforth on the 31st of August Oh my god its a happening My balls I am a grappling A tree grown from a sapling On the day that was the fappening
Life of an avocado * Not yet * Not yet * Not yet * Not yet * Not yet * EAT ME NOW! * Too late.
I keep a banana in my bathroom It's for scale.
I thought my friend was a little camp... ...but he's just two tents.
Where did the salami go on holiday? Costa Deli-Sol
"Penguins mate for life. Isn't that romantic?" You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it. "You're my penguin."
Have you heard about that new girl, Pandora? She's got one hell of a box.
Q: What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car? A: A windshield viper.
Tuna comments What do tuna fish say pussy tastes like?
What do you call a bear that's not drunk? So-Bear!
Meth addicts must pay for drugs with all the money they get from the tooth fairy
What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists? Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...
Donald Trump has ridiculous hair, and he squints a lot. If I had his hair, I'd squint too.
Welfare is like diabetes If Momma had it, her babies probably will too
The new British PM has been spotted performing necromantic rituals over Margaret Thatcher's grave... She May be planning Theresa corpse.
My wife just told me she's leaving me if I don't stop drinking I told her " Come on honey just one more drink, and I will help you pack!
How do you know a joke isn't a repost? When it doesn't reach the front page.
My time machine and I go way back
I lift the toilet seat to take a piss and my girlfriend forgot to flush and the water is red. My first thought.... ...do we have any juice boxes in the fridge?
The US govt has a department of ethics... No bullshit they really do... Its a sick joke... [go to g](http://www.usa.gov/directory/federal/)
What's easier to pick up, the heavier it gets? Women
Can February March? No. But April May. yep.
Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?? He's 0K now.
A woman visits reddit...
Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like "Abso-fruit-ly!" and they laugh like I'm so clever but we both know
White lies Don't matter. But black lies matter.
"Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?" Well I'm going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
What did Descartes say while shopping online? I think therefore I Amazon
What do you call Asian quadruplets? 4chan
Doctor and patient Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Why is there no 'Hot girls' guide to getting laid'? My phone number won't fill up an entire book.
The treadmill is the only product we have that the 'The Jetsons' had, I'm very disappointed at how far behind be are.
*proposes to girlfriend* *accidentally drops ring in the street* "I'll still marry you" Sorry, I'm married to the streets now
Q: What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything.
[on first date] I'll have an iced tea, please. Waiter: Sure. Ummm...anything for the balloon with a woman's face drawn on it?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say "iron whilst damp." I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.
I saw a lizard and it became a spotted lizard
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings..
A nihilist walks into a bar...
Every day I swallow a piece of gum in the hopes that one day I will fart a bubble large enough to fly me around the world
At the planetarium with my family. I think my wife was surprised to discover she's not the center of the universe.
What did the elephant say to the naked guy? Pretty impressive, but can it pick up peanuts?
what do you call a chinese millionaire? Cha Ching
What did the Giant say after he ate Tonga? 'I want Samoa!'
Ever hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It was dreadful.
What was the name of the meth cook who got caught stealing baked beans? Heinzenburg
paid a compliment By a coworker, "every time I talk to you, I leave a smarter man." I asked where he left him.
Homeless man asked me if I could 'spare some change'. I told him 'change comes from within'. Long story short, I'm missing a kidney.
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and a woman? Inserting a rod into the reactor turns it off.
So a homeless man comes up to us... "If I tell you a funny joke, would you pay me a quarter?" My pal from Rhode Island say in a thick northeastern accent: "I gotta funny joke fo' yah... Yah homeless."
Why did Hillary Clinton had her campaign chairman John Podesta send the crowd home from the Clinton HQ? She 'accidently' deleted the email with her consession speech.
If I had a dollar for every time someone calls me a racist I'd have $0.60.
Whats the difference between an Audi and a porcupine? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside
What do you call an elderly Mexican man? A senor citizen
[OC] What is the gay community's favourite type of question? Queries.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn't think she needed a nap either.
My new job! I will start my career as vacuum cleaner salesman, and my name will be "Mike Dyson"!
You might be a redditor if You clicked.
What do you call a german tampon? A twatstika....buh dum chh!
A friend told me I take twitter way too seriously. Don't worry, I unfollowed her.
OMG you got a new boyfriend? congratulations, who is it this week?
Apparently they're making a Middle Eastern version of 'The Flintstones'... And they're going to call it 'Modern Family.'
What kind of zoo has no animals except for a small, yappy dog? A shih tzu
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied'er. (SFW)
What do you get when you cross weed with weed? You get high.
What do you say to encourage someone who is masturbating? You do you!
What do Disneyworld hookers sing? I ho I ho It's off to work I go
"LBJ" was a president... Not a Spanish term for Hump Day activities.
I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I'm really not sure where I was going with this.
When I die I want the people I did group work with to lower me into my grave So they can let me down one last time
Why do blondes have bruises on their bellybuttons? Because blonde guys aren't that smart either
"Come on man! I'm sure your superpower is cool! Show me! "Ok" *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right." "Wow um..neat..."
Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number.
You know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
What's the difference between a meteor and a meteorite? Ite. Sorry, a kid said this in elementary school and it was funny back then :)
Why do melons always have church weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do Spider-Man and Windows 98 have in common? They're always rebooting.
What do you get when you have sex with a truck stop hooker? Gator-aids.
I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
UKIP get their jokes from Mock the Week. 'Things you wouldn't hear in a weather forecast', December 2011 "Tonight, a hurricane will be caused by low pressure and God's hatred of homosexuality..."
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? Because I'm not really a fan of the Indy 500
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now it's offensive to talk about.
Why did Adele leave the house? So she could say Hello from the outside.
Why do they call boats "she"? Because the wives had to get on board somehow.
What do you call a George Clooney sex party? A Georgy. (   )
What are the bumps around a girls nipples? Braille for SUCK ME.
What do you call a tick on the moon? A lunatic
My wife was raped by a gang of mimes. They found many ways to get in and out of the box. OR They did unspeakable thing to her.
What do you call a bug on the moon? A lunatic! (luna-tick)
You would not believe how many times Leonardo Da Vinci had to paint the Mona Lisa before he got one where she wasn't blinking
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don't try and out clever me with your comment. I don't come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
What's that worthless little piece of skin around the vagina called? The woman.
Why did the pig quit running the the marathon? He had a problem with his hamstring.
What's brown and sticky A brown stick
Why I'd never get a sex change I wouldn't have the balls to do it
Idea: Netflix, but for pancakes. Or Blockbuster By Mail for pancakes. Even Omaha Steaks for pancak...look, my point is: mail-order pancakes.
Why do SJWs hate Apple computers? Because they're not PC
HR: You said: You're "moist" welcome? Me: Autocorrect. HR: You're fine. Me: Sweet! HR: I meant: you're fired. Autocorrect.
"I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.
Me: Not to be racist but you look like you're sick Her: How was that racist? Me: I said "not to be racist" you must be sicker than I thought
Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.
A roman walks into a bar, holds two fingers up and says "5 beers please"
I don't drink &amp; drive I pull over.
Why do women over 40 don't play hide and seek? Because nobody is looking for them.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
A feminist asked me how I see lesbians Apparently in "HD" wasn't the right answer
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight... So as an adult, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.
Why wasn't Cinderella good at sports? Because her coach was a pumpkin
Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire. as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin
Do you think it's possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it's spikes? I'm giving a dinner party.
QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six days? ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.
Did you ever try to shave your own butthole? It's a real pain in the ass.
What is best to drink while eating Jewshi (Jewish sushi)? Oh, any kind of He-brew would be fine, I guess.
Nothing interesting has happened today. I haven't been robbed at knifepoint. I haven't been sold into sexual slavery. I'll keep you updated.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I'll take lookout.
Why are you so gay? Because you are happy.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
What's the difference between hot blooded manslaughter and cold blooded premeditated murder A few degrees.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it's because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Yo mama so fat Every photo from family gathering is her self-portrait.
Do you want to hear a joke about potassium? K.
Whoever coined the term "gross profit" wasn't getting paid for their job.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens. Alien: Take us to your leader. America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Who writes all his plays on the Internet? Will-e. Shakespeare.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing 'Candy Shop' and then die a little inside?
which is the most negative animal in the barnyard? the horse, because its a naysayer.
Pedophiles are... .... Fucking immature assholes.
Facebook game requests are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet
The grocery store employees who stock the milk from behind the coolers don't like it when you grab their hands just to see if they're clean.
If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day but... if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I got a job as a stand up with a comic sans resume, but i lost my CV Now im a comic sans resume
Why did the scientist study soda? Because he was a physicist.
*writing resume* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
If Batman left church early... Would it be a Christian Bale?
Apparently certain types of ink can cause cancer I'm starting to get a bit worried, I've been smoking cigarettes wrapped in that stuff for a while now.
The problem with "We, the People" is mostly you, the people.
Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual ...I just paid $18 for a coke &amp; a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards. It was difficult to deal with.
If I put a cheddar cheese stick in a pencil sharpener Will it come out sharp or shredded?
Gay jokes are not funny Cum on guys
How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same? They're both Black and Decker.
We asked 100 women what body-wash they preferred. 99% replied with: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BATHROOM, YOU PERVERT!"
When do virgin guys get some ass ? when their fingers go through the toilet paper
I wish my best friend would leave his cheating whore of a wife. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty for sleeping with her all the time.
What is Batman's favorite porn site? Motherless.com
What do you call a communist who's good with a rifle? A marxman.
Bitches be misusing helping verbs.
We all make mistakes... especially your parents!
...it's like what the mussel said to the clam... "I wouldn't wish that on an anemone!"
Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them.
Ouch! It was an iron bar! . . . . . . A faster than light Tachyon walks into a bar.
What does my jokes and cancer have in common? Only my dad gets it.
There is a chair The chair walk, with shoes! La-la-la-la-la! It walk on the street. The chair is walking.
A skinny girl and an overweight girl are standing in line on Friday morning. As the Walmart manager unlocks the door, skinny girl says, "remember, black Friday lives matter."
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um...
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snow balls
A pedophile serial killer lures a child into a forest on a rainy night The kid says, "I'm scared." The pedophile responds, "You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone."
How to Fall Down the Stairs Step 1 Step 2 Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Floor
- Are you excited sir? - Yes! I'm gonna feed whales & pet dolphins! - Sir, this flight is going to Finland - That's like Seaworld, right?
*Throws caution to the wind* *gets covered in caution*
How do dogs enjoy sex? They like it ruff.
What do you call disabled people that follow politics? A special interest group.
Did you guys hear about the award winning farmer? Apparently he was outstanding in his field. [modified repost]
Whats that smell? Auschwitz.
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? Call her and tell her about it
Ever heard of jenkem? It's the shit!
Did you know that Hillary's planning on being the first TG President? Yeah - after she's elected, she has plans to turn into a woman.
Seeing jelly in the peanut butter jar is gross, that's why it's important to lick the knife before you stick it in there.
Trump is President. Yes, President Trump.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's 7
Nerd Joke Man walks into a bar and days "Bartender, I'll have an H2O." His friend says "Ill have some H2O, too" His friend dies.
How do you fit 4 gays on a bar stool? Flip it upside down
I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!
What are your views on abortion? I'm undecided. On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.
What would you do?  geaNostra
Whats the Difference Between AWD &amp; 4x4? Your sexuality.
In a doggy style gang bang, do you call the woman "dogging station"?
So my uncle is starting a summer camp... It's for kids about to be molested.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear? It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Who is the greatest Jewish cook? Hitler
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Why are so many blind people religious? Because they just won't open their eyes!
Why couldn't the Dali Lama go out and play with his friends? Because he was grounded.
What's the difference between oral and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he's gonna get to wear it.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
How has the guy who makes Capri Sun straw openings not been up for a job performance review?
Did you hear about the girl who went on a date with a cannibal? I hear he ate her pussy.
I just saw a pregnant woman I'd like to make double-pregnant.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can't fly. Batman: It's okay. Superman: Why? Batman: My planet hasn't exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Did you hear about the two little boys who  found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ? 'Quick' said one 'run ! Before they say we did it !
I'm a fan of Star Wars. So at lunch I saved my pork for last so I could have Ham Solo.
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod get off of my ewe!"
Well it seems everyone's so up in arms about gun control these days.
I'm not gaining weight. I'm losing wavelength
God hates a coward! ...He ain't to fond of idiots either
I was trying to get a top comment on Reddit... But I Blueit
I've recently been finding myself to be sexually attracted to tall buildings. I guess you could call it a serious Edifice complex.
So I think we have pretty much covered what to do if life gives you lemons
What does P.E.T.A. stand for? People Eating Tasty Animals !
Clicks "open" Tries door Clicks "open" Tries door Clicks "open" Tries door What the FU.. Wrong car (I have a master's degree)
A plane crushed on top of a cemetery In the evening news: So far they found 255 body... but they continue the digging.
Overheard on the organ black market "Got awful grammar? Buy this colon!"
Friends don't let friends have friends. Be a friend, don't be a friend.
I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for Christmas... If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself. - From The Sopranos
Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide. Even Breakier News: I can't believe there's 1,100 Radio Shack's.
I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.
What did the blindman say when he walked by the fish market? Helllllllloooooo (insert your mother's/wife's/sister's/grandmother's name here.)
Husband getting dressed: Me: Purple and green don't go together. Husband: It works for the Joker. Me: My point exactly.
Jesus was a hippie He had sandals, long hair and he died hugging a tree
What do you call a Mexican who can't find his vehicle? Carlos.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking. Jk. Rowling
Why did the terrorist kill his wife on their anniversary? She got him the wrong kind of blowup doll.
Why should you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything..
[1st day in hell] Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity. Me: That's it? D: *hands me orange Crocs*
Two crows are loitering in the park; why did they get arrested? Attempted murder.
*wakes up* nooooooo
What do you find in a pumpkins pants? A Halloweenie!
Did you hear about the kind and humble Jew that donated a lot of money to charity? Neither did I.
He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit pinata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
The guy who invented the Apple maps app walks into a bar ... ... and says, "Wait a second, this isn't Subway."
Whats black, white and red all over? 2 nuns in a chainsaw fight!
What kind of meat is the cheapest?.. Deer balls Cause they're under a buck!
What is the hardest part of twerking? Being black
Why did God create black men? So fat white girls could dance (and get laid).
Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. ~Menstruational Tweet
Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a sedan.
If I had a penny.. for every time a girl asked me out I'd have 5 cents. She said if I came back a sixth time, she'd call the cops.
Car insurance companies got it right Don't date women under 25!
Why can't you trust snakes ? They speak with forked tongues !
What happened when King Kong swallowed Big  Ben? He found time-consuming.
What did the organic chemist use tinder for? Carbon dating.
Him: "I killed the spider for you. He suffered." Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) "Splendid."
What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A cherry float.
Why do lesbians go to modells? Because they don't like dicks
I wish I loved anything as much as middle aged white women love sharing pictures of words written in sand.
What lives in a tree and is dangerous? A crow with a machine gun.
me: [performing autopsy] so I've been practicing my ventriloquism assistant: now's not the time corpse: aw come on
I stuck my d**k in a car Now my sexuality is exhausting.
If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German You could say "I love you and brought you flowers" and I'd shit myself!
Why did Negan watch Arrested Development? Someone told him there were two Lucilles
How many gay guys does it take to flip a car? We'll find out when the cubs win the World Series
I just hate when these girls take selfies on road specially when i am peeing in the background.
Single beds Should date more.
The difference between a scientist and a plumber... The way you pronounce unionized.
What do you call a rhetorical fish? Sharkasm.
I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts but now I don't.
Why can't you fool aborted babies? Because they weren't born yesterday.
What did Gandhi fight for? Nothing, he was against violence.
Jackson Pollock - great painter piss poor pictionary partner
I was going to make a gay joke. Butt fuck it, that's not cool. Cum on guys.
What does a black man and a tornado have in common? It only takes one to ruin a neighborhood.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby...
Botox doesn't make you look young, it makes you look like you think you're old.
There's a fine line between the numerator and denominator Only a fraction of people will find this funny
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm... i'll give it 5 stars EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves.  Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
What's in the middle of girls' legs? Their knee.
What is so bad about being half black and half asian? You can steal a car but you can't drive it.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy] "Let's see who this ghost really is!" No! Wait, I'm not- [rip off face] *gasps* "OLD MAN SKELETON?"
Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
"Once we come down off this wall we'll be on the lam. That means we're fugitives, laying low, on the run..." - condescending con descending
A pirate walks into a bar... With a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey what's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate says, "Arrgghhh.... it drives me nuts."
I hope all the friends I've made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting
What did the soldier use to season his fries? A salt rifle.
Honey, I let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Mules are held donkey and half horse. So does this mean that they do everything half-assed?
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Today I was given a box of Jamaican hair extensions.... It was dreadful
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they're willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives...
They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but I'm at Applebee's & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn't said anything, but I can bet that's what she is thinking.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon.
Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
What's the difference between a canoe and a Canadian? The canoe tips.
That gunk in your eyes when you wake up is dried ghost ejaculate.
How are wives like cholesterol? If you ignore them for too long they'll probably end up killing you
What's it called when you jizz on a Spanish woman's face? Nutella.
My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.
Oxygen atom was looking for threesome. Poor guy got ozoned
What the difference between a calender and you.... a calendar has a date on Valentines day.
What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance?
Why do dwarves laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.
once you go black... you're a single mother
You know what my favorite Armchair book is? Mein Kampfy Kouch
What is the type of conference that brings together knights and mathematicians? A *sir-conference*
What do you call a dad balloon that disappears? Pops
What do you call a pub for lesbians in circus outfits? A Clown-Dyke-Bar Credit to u/TheBigDsOpinion
How do you keep a blonde in suspense? ...
What is the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My Ex Wife Still Misses me, BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER, HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! You see, it's funny cause marriage is terrible. Edit: Joaige
What does Magneto do when his computer gets dirty? He wipes the hard drive.
What does Mario use to talk to dead people? A Luigi Board
You don't really know someone until you observe their behavior around an unlimited salad bar.
What's the buoyancy of an abortion? Rho * v * Wade
*Burglar breaks into my room* *he looks around* *he softly wakes me up* Dude do you need some money or something? I'd be happy to help
Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.
Is it cocky to have 2 penises? I think its 2 cocky.
My wife said her new addiction is goji berries but I'd prefer she get addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
I only hate the people in front of me. Everyone behind me is cool.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I'm playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I totally understand how batteries feel... ...because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
What did the Italian chef say when his boss tried to pick a fight? You wanna pizza me?!
"Mickey Mouse, you want to divorce Minnie cause she was... extremely silly?" "No, I said she was fucking Goofy"
Sometimes I think about how infinite the universe is... and realize that somewhere out there, there's a galaxy shaped like a dick.
yo mama aint got no ears hollin bout let me hear both sides of da story!
If Twitter was any more fun we'd have to smuggle it in from Mexico.
How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? hint: take the "S" out of "safe" and the "F" out of "way"
What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans? The black ones steal your watch.
People act so tough on Twitter. I'd bet that half of you have never even killed a man.
Have you ever tried to eat your own watch? Well it's very time consuming.
People who are "just saying" should try "just shutting the fuck up."
How does Jared like to play his flute? In A minor.
Your mother is such a whore... Groupon is sending me discount rates.
I don't know why they don't let priests marry and have kids seems like a great way to guarantee they don't have sex.
With all this anti-drug propaganda going around, how do you know a D.A.R.E. representative is lying? His lips are moving.
hey you all
I'm terrified of the day robots become self-aware and start wearing fedoras.
Did you hear about the guy born with 5 dicks? His pants fit like a glove.
"This is way too delicious. Let's ruin it." -People who put pineapple on pizza.
I held the door open for a Japanese woman today and she said, "sank you." Pretty fucked up for her to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
There are four things in the world I hate: 1. Racists 2. Mexicans 3. Irony 4. and lists
BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says "2 Days Without Being Annoyed" [maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
What's a waste of time, wrapped up and is regular near Christmas? Shitty Christmas Jokes
*Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?
Justin and Selena broke up? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOObody cares.
Oldie but goody... What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
That moment when it's Sunday and you have alzheimer And you're waiting so hard for the Sunday to come
I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.
How does Reddit feel about Civil War jokes? Because personally, I General Lee don't find them funny
Try to think of a world without hypotheticals. You can't.
To what branch of the military to babies belong? The infantry.
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ? She had mittens !
How many bronze players do you need to change a lightbulb? None. They can't climb the ladder.
Give a man a fire, and He'll be warm for the night. Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
I went to the Zoo today, only animal there was a dog... It was a Shih Tzu
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
A mosquito goes to a military base. The commanding officer says, "Sorry, this is a 'no fly' zone."
How many people work in the Lada factory? Two. One to cut and one to glue
Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage Courage? More like a lack of balls
I fall in love too easily. Wait.. It's ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
How about we do some peer-to-peer sharing? Your domain or mine?
My girlfriend told me she is sick of me quoting movies all the time I said quite frankly my dear I don't give a damn
Why did the Pilgrims pants keep falling down Because his belt buckle was on his hat ...
The worst part about by dad driving his hummer through a river was it was not his most expensive mistake. I was. It was me. I was the most expensive mistake.
What Do You Call A Black Person On The Moon? An Astronaut You Racist Bastard.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Came up with a somewhat original dead child joke today. How is a ten year old different from a pizza? Pizza doesn't beg for you to finish it off when you only eat half of it.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft? A-flat minor (or a broken piano)
Read aloud I have a soft spot for damsels in disdress. What dress? Disdress or dat dress *Ba dum tish*
Didn't Pull Out 3 year ago I dont Always wake up at 4 AM on Saturday....!!!!!!!!! But When i Do....it because i forgot to pull out on time 3 years ago
How do you turn a duck into a popular soul singer? ...you put the duck in the microwave on high until it's Bill Withers.
What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it Anthropomorphic principle: look, I'm a talking principle!
I clicked on the "Random" link in the navigation bar and it brought me to the Toronto Maple Leafs subreddit Guess I mistakenly clicked on the "Funny" link in the navigation bar instead.
He and I were best friends and roommates, so sex was never on the table. It was always on the couch, the bed, and the floor. Come on, we *eat* there.
I'm the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
A brief joke... There's a comic book about a toddler superhero named Captain Underpants. I have the only existing copy of the issue where he meets Wonderbra Woman.
A blonde walks into a bar. Ouch.
What did Simon's dad, Paul, say to his son to encourage him just before he went to compete in the National Leg Breaking Championships? "Have a good one, son."
I like to sit outside Barnes & Noble with my iPad and make caveman noises at the people coming out with real books.
My cousin's a traveller and he lives in a camper van, but he's always wanted to brick up... so he drove on dirt roads until he got a flat.
If Paula Deen's new cookbook isn't titled 'Fifty Shades of Gravy', I'm going to lose a considerable amount of money on the bet I just made.
what do you call a fake noodle an impasta
Dining Hall utensils Today there were no utensils in the dining hall. The staff gave no forks.
My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I don't date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.
Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.
Have you heard of the band named 1023 megabytes? Of course not, they haven't made it to a gig yet.
What do you call a fat guy with an unhealthy interest in his mother? Adipose Rex.
You know you've seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off
What does DJ Kahled say when he wants another taco? Another, Juan
If I had a daughter I wouldn't waste money on training bras, I'd trap wild bras and train them myself like our ancestors did.
What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
2 peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted
What is the definition of "derange"? De place where de cowboys ride!
My dog jumps so much, I think she might have a disease Seems like leaprosy
What's Hodor's job? Raisin Bran
My girlfriend stormed off after she accused me of cheating and I denied it. But no, I really wasn't fucking anyone named Sirius.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Girls are like Blackjack.. I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I didn't want to believe that my dad was fired for stealing from the transportation department But when I got home, the signs were all there.
Why are black people unable to get a Ph.D.? Because they can't get past their Masters.
Boyfriend wants me to eat loads of purple candy so I can "dye" his balls for Easter. He better trim the grass first.
I am a professional counterfeiter. I even have the certificates to prove it.
My Neighbour works in Fashion and was gloating they look at attractive people for a living, so I replied so do I. ... I work in a store that sells mirrors.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...
What's black on top and white on the bottom? RAPE.
This salad isn't going to toss itself. *winks* - Things you shouldn't say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table :(
Why doesn't ISIS attack Israel? Same reason children don't attack their parents...
What did Trump say to the women who told him she could give him the worlds best Blow Job. What's in it for me?
i hope toy story 3 is about woody and buzz trying to save the asian child workers that made them.
What do engineers use for birth control? Personality.
NFL catch rules are absurd. "Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn't accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete."
Every kiss begi... K
Poop When you say the word "poop" you mouth makes the same motion as your butt hole when you poop. Same with diarrhea.
Enviromentalists:"How can we stop the rising oceans Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism):"Pull all those big whales out.
What's Romeo and Juliette's least favorite fruit? cantelope
Did you hear about the crocodile with false teeth? The birds refused to clean them because it was in-denture servitude.
So I was at a sushi restaurant last night. I saw they had this Orgasm roll. I tried it, but I couldn't finish.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Since it started raining all my girlfriend has done is look through the window If it gets any worse i'll have to let her in
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Knock knock Who's there? Not Paul Walker.
A woman is at her father's deathbed. She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. "Dad, I'm sorry," she whispers. "Goodbye, Sorry," he says, "*I'm dead.*"
british cops are calld "bobbys"& dont hav guns. i kno a kid in 3rd grade named bobby who has no gun. hes basically a cop if he go to england
There's a new drink called the Sandy It's a watered down Manhattan.
Will you marry me? Will you marry me = a marriage proposal Will, you, Marry, me = a foursome proposal
Why cant Skrillex go fishing? ...because he always drops the bass.
No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.
Just before I die, I'm going to change my name to OFF'. That way, when the hearse is driving to the church, it will have displayed on top of my coffin in flowers: R.I.P. OFF
What does Captain Kirk wear to the fitness center? Jim shorts.
what's black, white, orange and terrifying? My voters pamphlet.
What state has the smallest sodas? Minisoda :)
How to tease a girlfriend if she really wants it My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'
What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk? I'ma get get get get you a Neti Pot - a concerned vet to an elephant
What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather? A pap smear.
Why can't French people count to 5? Because there's a **tree** in the way.
"I'd tap that." - Morse code operatives flirting.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water? FIREFIGHTER: Sir that's a hydrant
I'm 100 years old and I keep misplacing my old toys I'm losing my marbles!
Why does voldemort have flat face? He ran into wrong wall at train station
Screw you recommended serving size. You don't know me.
What is the difference between an american and a canadian? 69 cents.
What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Ready, Set, Go... Did you hear about the muslim who was shot by a starting pistol? It was race related.
REMEMBER: It's not "drinking alone"...if your kids are in the car with you.
Santa Clause and a Jew [NSFW] Whats the difference between Santa Clause and a Jew? Santa Clause comes down the Chimney.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Investigators weren't sure how the victim was killed, but they did find traces of kindness at the scene.
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi
I have a habit of standing naked in the laundry room wondering what to wear. This may have contributed to my immense popularity in college.
How does a woman pick up Donald Trump? With a pooper-scooper.
I didn't quit my job today I wanted to quit, but they threatened to fire me
What was the last line in Anne Frank's diary? Just a moment, someone's knocking on the door..
Stop me if you've heard this one: When is a door not a door? *WHEN IT'S BEEN BLOWN TO BITS!*
I made my first snowman today... It was so white it's already been nominated to Trump's Cabinet.
What's the difference between Swine flu and Avian flu? It's what the doctor does to heal you. For one you need 'oinkment', and for the other you need 'tweatment'. **rimshot**
What would you do if a kid in your class jumped out of set and took of his shirt, then ran out of the class and hoped onto a segway.
BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?
Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.
What do you call ten white folks on a bench? The NBA
What do you get if your budgie flies into the  blender ? Shredded Tweet !
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Why Do Philosophers Have Such Good Teeth? Because they philos all the time!
What's the difference between Trump and Hitler? Hitler knew when to kill himself
What Do You Call A Rainy Spelling Bee? Alphabet Soup.
Why did the Australian pirate refuse lunch? Because he had Somalia.
My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I was with her sister Emma!!
Why don't you eat a girl the morning after sex? Have you tired pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwhich.
I wish people would reserve "awesome" for truly awe-inspiring things like the grand canyon, moon landing, and this ranch dressing omg
Friends are like trees They fall down when you hit them with an axe
White may not be able to say the "n" word But they can say words like "Hi Dad" and "Thanks for the warning officer."
Did you hear about the fire at the Governor's mansion in Alabama? The whole trailer park burned down.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they're easily impressed by semicolons.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the "free candy" on my van. *crosses off "candy" and writes "wi-fi"
The train station is where the train stops. The bus station is where the bus stops. At my desk I have a workstation.
Just found out there is a whole series on Netflix about this year's election results. Orange is the new black.
Wife and I taking a shower Wife: I want you to do bad things to me. Me: &lt;pours shampoo in her eyes&gt;
"Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!" - Diet ads for Cannibals
Sorry, I can't go. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time? :)
What's a Rastafari's least favourite product? Roundup, because it kills the *weed*!
A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour. "Muzzle him" the vet advised. The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard"
FUN PRANK: tweet "going hang gliding!!!!" then don't tweet again for 12 years
A banker tells his client that a 1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money! So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money" The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"
What do you call a plant and sock hybrid? A sockluent
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, "You're good to go, woman!" and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand? They've already got cum stains before you open the package.
What did Helen Keller call her dog? &lt;smashes keyboard&gt;
The name's Bong. Jay Bong. Agent 420. Weed.
I went to the Doctors today for a checkup He told me that I had one of the best digestive systems he'd ever seen. So today I'm celebrating superb bowel sunday.
Facebook people don't like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?  A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
What does a spider do when he gets angry ? He goes up the wall !
things I hate 1. lists 2. hypocrisy
So I was all "I'm not taking any shit from you, bitch" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Did you hear about the latest innovation in french tanks? Rear view mirrors so they can see the battles going on.
People have came up with a digital wallet... But last time I checked I didn't get charged for using a credit card
What's the difference between apathy &amp; empathy? Don't know. Don't care.
You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don't they just get taller girls?
Having fun with your primary-school friends, a perfectly legal thing to do, before... ...the *age of consent* was invented.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick her candy... But Jack got a shock And a mouth full of cock Cause Jill's real name was Randy
How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk.
Why is gravity so weak? Because it doesn't lift
What do you call a group of singing killer whales? An orca-stra.
Why did the dolphin get a fair trial? Because Habeas Porpoise.
What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning? Another day.
What's the darkest dark humor joke you got? I start!.. What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
racist joke, any better? What are the similarities between fat chicks and bricks, they both get Laid by mexicans
What's the difference between between a pizza and a black person? A Pizza can feed a family of four *Still courtesy of my Comrade Ivo*
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He didn't wrap his Whopper
The tenth of October is the only day of the year that I would recommend 10/10
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.
Q: What's white, lumpy, and extremely dangerous? A: Shark infested mashed potatoes.
What does a unionized hooker say when she is done work for the day? I'm off the cock.
What do you call a shitty igloo? An "eh"gloo.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason," I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If you crossed two cows with a flock of ducks what would you get? Milk and quackers!
Why do heroine addicts rarely have meetings late in the afternoon? Because it's dangerous to shoot for 3 or even 4.
A bishop, a pastor and the pope walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese. Here all night folks.
Despite the rumors, I actually don't have a problem with the new $20.... This country has a long history of trading black people for other goods.
What is a Russian man's favourite Justin Timberlake song? Crimea River
Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
I like my women like I like my downloads... ...unzipped and on my desktop.
People who won Darwin Awards... ...jumped into the gene pool when the life guards weren't looking
[OC] Hey, do you wanna hear a joke about a condom? Tell you the truth, it's pretty bad. It's filled with holes.
Stephen Hawking's favourite videogame? Flappy birds
It doesn't matter how hard you think you are. When a toddler hands you their ringing toy cell phone, you'll still answer it.
I've just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
What is it called when a woman can't imagine having kids? Inconceivable.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To say hello from the other side
Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?" I don't know, I wasn't counting. Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).
Just like Jesus joke (NSFW) Came up with this: If I were gay and had sex with a jewish guy I'd be just like Jesus. Because I came into Jerusalem ridding on an ass.
I don't understand how a priest can be out of shape... They're always exorcising.
Can somebody help me? I have a drug problem... I ran out of heroin.
How do you get a unicorn from neighing in your front yard? Put it in the back yard.
I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won't judge u for making a beautiful rug
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that were buried in there.
Engineers What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
..... Ya see we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?
What is the most tried and true method to getting a small fortune? Start out with a large fortune.
What does DMX say when he has trouble putting on a hoodie? WHERE DA HOOD WHERE DA HOOD WHERE DA HOOD AT?
Caught myself yelling "FUCK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on pants, feet & bed, if you were wondering who's raising the next generation.
What's white and Irish and sits in your backyard all year? Paddy O'Furniture
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everybody. A bitch sleeps with everybody but you.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.70 a packet and deer nuts are under a buck
George Washington Today What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now? Scratchin' the inside of his coffin.
TIFU by buying a cheap speaker system Whoops, wrong sub
Whenever someone asks how i'm doing & walks away before i answer..I write "GREAT" on the side of thier car with my keys!
What subject did the Warlock major in at University? Fel-osophy
When I study, I highlight with a black permanent marker, forcing my brain to memorize that shit.
Forever tricking animals into thinking I'm patting them when really I'm just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
You don't need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
What questioned started the Holocaust? What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? sneakers( iknow its old but its nice)
How many SJWs does it take to screw in a light bulb? THAT'S *NOT* FUNNY!
How do German bread greet each other? Gluten tag!
Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling? Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
Did you hear the joke about Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth? I guess I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.
Would it be wrong to give terminally ill children tattoos? I mean... it's not like they'll grow up to regret them. :(
We don't thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My son asked me this morning what self-reference meant? [this should explain it](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm6mw)
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don't remember what her answer was.
The closest feeling I get to being a soldier in war is when I'm accidentally in the path of a thrown football.
Websites never remember me :(
What's an astronaut's favorite dessert? Terra-miss-u
Your momma's so fat... she's always #1 in agar.io.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house? ...neither has he!
I recently bought a dog from a Blacksmith... And as soon as I got him into the house he made a bolt for the door.
Whats the difference between a prostitute with chronic diarrhea and an epileptic oyster fisherman? The prostitute fucks between shits and the oyster fisherman shucks between fits.
What do religion and a penis have in common? Wave it in someone's face and they'll get mad!
How do you get a million dollars with a girlfriend You start with 4 million
What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?
police and public Caller: Dials in 911 Hello officer, I broke my arm in 3 places! Officer: Then stop going to those places.
If you really want to stick it to somebody... Use tape.
I hate Japanese books. They always ruin the ending.
My blood type is A+ because I'm the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?
I went to buy some classical music today... But I forgot my Chopin Liszt.
What did the chicken say after laying an egg? "Oeuf!"
Fishy Technology What type of phones do fish use? . . . *Shellular*, of course...
People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.
As a member of Destiny's Child, Kelly Rowlands was one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world.. ..'s friend. From Frankie Boyle.
Gas companies LOVE this one trick to get more miles per tank! Buy a bigger tank!
How do you have a rave in Greece? Blu-Tac a euro to the ceiling.
I am one of the best fortune tellers in the world. My predictions are accurate 99.9999% of the time. I can predict your future fortune right now. You won't be winning the lottery anytime soon.
How thin do you have to be to go skinny dipping?
A mushroom walks into a bar... Bartender says "we don't serve your kind here!!" Mushroom says "why not?!? I'm a fungi!"
I made an original joke And it's not funny
"Go out there, kid! Make a name for yourself-" JAMARCUS McTHUNDERNUGGETS THE THIRD "Trent that's not really what i-" It's Jamarcus now
Tesco reported a 6.4bn loss.. I guess that's what you get for betting on horses!
I'm not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Why did 10 die? Cuz he was in the middle of 9/11
How many Swiss does it take to change a light bulb? None. We pay a German to do it.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Did you know that I can see into the future? I have 2020 vision
to keep things interesting in the bedroom, try bringing in a second laptop
Why was Good Friday a favorite Nazi holiday? Because people all over the world celebrated the death of a Jew.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD's are showing
Things that cause extreme panic: - Accidentally liking a Tweet - No milk - Unknown numbers - The question "you don't remember me do you?"
Where do men have the most curly hair? In Africa
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*  Fly  Breathe fire  Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Star Wars Episode VII is like a used car lot. (spoilers) It's where you can see an old Hyundai
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool? Fucked
Don't open this unless you want to know what turns on a necrophiliac Deadass
Don't make school shooting jokes. You can't imagine what went through their heads in their final moments.
An American, a French, a German, a Mexican and a Canadian get in a plane The steward says "What, is it a joke or something?"
Why do meth addicts prefer to do it doggy style? So they can both look out the window.
What is big hairy and can fly ? King Kongcorde !
What did Virginia get when she walked into the pet shop? (state joke) A New Hampshire
I keep a No. 2 pencil in my pocket just in case motherfuckers wanna test me.
I don't trust insomniac philosophers... They're up to know good.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?? When she starts fitting in your wife's clothes!!
What Do You Call It When Someone Has a Bad Experience With Weed? Blunt trauma.
Hard to watch The Flintstones these days... What with their drive-in movie theatres and caveman bowling alleys, it just feels so dated...
I had sex with somebody and caught their cold. I have snyphilis.
What do you call a chicken haunting your house? A Poultrygeist!
I was trying to get out of the friend zone with a girl. She put me in the brother zone... Good thing I live in Alabama!
Should computers be made of glass? No, I don't want anybody to see my browser's history!
Why do black guys have red eyes after sex? Pepper Spray.
Pretty sure the lead actress from 'Precious' has a twin sister who works at every Wendy's I've ever been to
A website for religious potato chip lovers...Christian Pringle.
Where can you buy nazi related items at the store? Aisle Hitler
How many Nazis does it take to deny the holocaust? Nein nein nein!!!
What do hemophiliacs and virgins have in common? One prick...and it's all over.
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: "Don't!" Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom: "..." Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Why did Johnny cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in a chicken.
Never gonna be as big as ED BASSMASTER but alright with me! Never gonna be Never gonna be as big as ED!
Did you hear what happened when the cheese factory blew up!? Da Brie went everywhere!!
My wife said she wanted more variety in our sex life. Now I tell a few jokes, fuck her then sing a song.
"Hey, it's been forever, let's hang out!" "No, it's been forever for a reason."
What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.
So why is the latest Windows OS called 10? Because *Windows 7 8 9!*
How can you tell your boyfriend has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow.
Last week I chopped my neighbour's tree and now it's growing back because his-tree repeats itself...
What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out!
Retweet this if you think they should make gallon sized Caprisuns and have it still be a squeezable.. Think about it.
Why couldn't Hillary win the election? Women only win .7 votes for every one a man wins.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!
--Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me? Thanks auto correct, this is why I can't have nice friends.
Don't get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!
What's that one room zombies can never enter? the LIVING room
I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? "Its a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it."
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a train with no motivation A Loco-no-motive
What animal has 5 legs? A pit bull coming back from the playground.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb None they'll all beat the room for being black.
"Hacker" simply means "a person who is skilled with computers." To describe a computer criminal, use "Linux user."
You guys know why I don't drink fancy coffees? cos they cost a latte.
They Say Never Judge A Man Until You Walk A Mile In His Shoes Because you'll then be a mile away and will also have his shoes
"Sorry but It's me or the label maker." [takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt] "Thank y-" [sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]
CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro Using the innovative 'Old age' technique
bought 30 treadmills & placed them around the perimeter of house, when zombies attack my house they will just keep walking for days
A fish swam into a concrete wall... He said damn
Dear women: we don't give a shit about eyebrows. Love, men.
How are marriage and commiting suicide the same? You are really good at it if you have only had to do it once. Edit: Joke idea taken from a /r/showerthoughts post.
I'm at a party right now and your mom is the only one waiting by the punchbowl. Your mom is the punch line.
The scientists a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied "woof, woof, woof"
There's only one problem with reading articles about space based technology It all goes waaaay over my head.
Why couldn't Shah Rukh Khan enter America? ... Because he wasn't an Amirkhan
I once met a Redditor in Europe. His username Czechs out.
Field testing has shown that coworkers are most likely to enter my office 8-11 seconds after I fart.
There are two types of countries on this planet ones that use the metric system and the one that got to the moon
My friend was doing impersonations of The A-Team. I told him they were amazing. You should have seen his Face...
I was curious just how big this Trump dick is, after hearing all the news from last nights debate, so I googled it. From the pictures I would say he's about six feet, maybe a little taller.
After 30 years I still can't figure out how to pronounce "I'm a lesbian" so it doesn't sound like "keep bothering me."
Mom, Daughter and Neighbour Daughter: "Hey mom, I just found out the guy next door has a penis like a peanut." Mom : "Really! Is it that small?" Daughter: "Nope. It's salty!"
Why did the kids not want to eat their pbj sandwiches? 'Cause it had lead in them
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
How do you say goodbye to two people in Spanish? Adidos!
CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours? ME: no, he's adopted
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!!
Men and women stalk differently. Men will drive by at night. Women will show up at your job and smash your stuff in front of everyone.
If all foods were packaged like honey they'd all come in these miniature fake human containers which would be weird as hell
What did the gay guy say to his straight friend? I bet you kiss girls faggot.
The baby's trying to eat the poinsettia again Well, maybe we should get rid of it The plant? But we just got it . . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: That tree is impeckable "Don't you mean impeccable?" *cut to woodpecker with a broken beak* Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it and set it on fire : WOOF! How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Freeze it and put it thru a table saw: meeeeooooow
There are three unwritten laws of life... 1. 2. 3.
*Good Will Hunting* Professor: are you the janitor who's been solving the math equations? me: [writing '80085' on every chalkboard] yes?
What's the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.
Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?
Knock knock Who's there? Radio Radio who? Radio not I'm gonna cum in your mouth -Chuck Palahniuk
How do you explain this gap in your resume? "I was in jail." Okay. Sure you weren't working for Trump's campaign? "Swear to God. Jail."
What did the doughnut say to the cop? Don't glaze me, bro
What is a cannibal's favourite treat? A kid kat. (My 9 year old son made this up.)
Eminem had his own version of Bing Bong. But then he Forgot About Dre
What did the urban dog say to the other urban dog? Wad up Dawg?
What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates.
When does the narwhal bacon? Mmmmm reddit.
I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.
How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ? Diagon alley
How many Sayians does it take to change a light bulb? One. But it'll take 3 episodes, and Krillin dies.
TIL that it is difficult to be a good person as there is only so small a distance between an asshole and a pussy.
A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.
What the NSA say to NASA? You're a day late and a dolla short!
Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant? She blew them both.
What do little pigs want to be when they grow up?  Garbage collectors.
I'm going to put my grandmother on speed dial. I'll call it Instagram.
Why you never mess with imported ants? Because they are **important**.
I went to an art contest recently... It ended in a draw.
Got a mosquito bite last night. I bet that little guy is hungover today .__.
I can't be bothered with trivial details. Like facts.
Sick of all these Santa apologists. A HOME INVASION IS A HOME INVASION.
How school works: 2+2=4. Homework: 2+4+2=8. Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the  Suns mass.
I did some LSD and watched a candle burn all night. It was wicked.
All feminine hygiene products now on sale for HALF PRICE But hurry - it's just for the Christmas period.
Where was Solomon's temple located? On the side of his head.
How does the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Patty.
what was hitler's favorite weather pattern? HEIL
Why are crabs always so tired? It's because they only sleep in snatches.
If a clown farts.. Does it smell funny?
Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
What's a Jehovah's Witness's favorite band? The Doors.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A.  He didn't have the guts too
I just watched "the Martian" - What an unrealistic movie... ...Sean Bean survives.
What do you call it when a Sith goes to a Galleria? Darth Mall.
I once thought I had a Japanese friend. But it was just my imagin_asian_
The guy who played Wolverine had a pet sea cow and it was stolen... It was a crime against Hugh's manatee!
Perplexed student Told him he looked about as confused as a blind lesbian in a tuna cannery.
My doctor prescribed me viagra and ex-lax today. Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.
Prince's death may have been murder. In these types of cases it's usually the butler or maid. Did anybody dust for Prince?
In the house of mathematics, where are the tautologies found? They're kept in the Axiom Attic.
My wife: "Can you pass me the stud finder?" Me: "You're the stud finder!" *deep, awkward silence* Me: "Here it is."
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.
I used to really enjoy smoking cigarettes... but now it tastes like they simply turn to ash in my mouth.
Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear *before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I'll immediately be alerted...
Lava can't melt marble columns. Pompeii was an inside job! WAKE UP ROME!
A shipment of wigs has been stolen Police are combing the area
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb? .....change??
Why don't women work as long and as hard as men in the office? They do it right first time.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the "Life Goes On" episode where Corky lip syncs "Fight the Power" for his school's talent show.
what do you call a weird camel? A wamel!!! Made my 6 year old laugh anyway!
[ShowerThought] If George Bush had Affordable Healhcare Act Would it have been called Bushcare?
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
Knock Knock... "Come in!"
My girlfriend thinks dressing up as a clown during sex would be weird ... I think it would be fucking ridiculous.
How do you get jizz off a Scrabble board? Don't bother, that's 29 points right there.
Stupid millennials. Always on their phones. Always doing chatsnaps. Always being born into a world where ownership determines everything.
A man is at the airport. The airline attendant asks the man, "Do you have any baggage?" He replies, "I haven't talked to my parents in 3 years, I have depression, and I'm still a virgin."
Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.
I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, "I'm so sorry, but I just remembered I don't want to"
Gandhi once got into a food fight... It was naan violence.
Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp? Because he was a cagey bee agent.
I can only imagine Hugh Hefner ejaculating is like a really weak firecracker going off in a bag of flour.
"I won't vaccinate my kids! It's not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!" *gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*
A computer game character walks into a bar... I should really turn no-clip off.
I see bed, people.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word. Him: My what?
It's just a bad day, not a bad life.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don't know what is real anymore!
I have a hard time believing an auto dealer really wants my business if their entire lot isn't covered in the shade of helium balloons.
Different Types of Nuts. What do you call nuts on your wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? Dick in your mouth.
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The  doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."
What is the most searched word on Bing? Google.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you're saying.
I do all the wrong things the right way.
Six hour flight home I'm stuck in the middle seat and the lady behind me won't stop saying "awesomesauce" pray for me please
What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other one is a watermelon.
Which wrestler has the finisher that stings the most? Stone Cold Steve Irwin.
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
Shia LaBeouf should never teach sex education He'd tell the kids to just do it.
How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch? "Tea, Rex?"
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin Me: You were a very hungry fetus- Wife: Ok that's enough time with Dad for today
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? Dr. Pokemon.
Why are people who work in IT amazing at relationships and sex? When there is a problem they just turn them off and back on
10 Ways to cut down on clickbait! Does anyone know?
Me; Right, some revision? Son: K Me: Start with chemistry? Him: K Me: Periodic table? Him: K Me:What's the symbol for potassium? Him: Dunno
Where did the hamburger go to dance? The Meatball
How did the mathematician get rid of his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
I asked my North Korean friend how life was there He said he couldn't complain.
Whats the difference between a coal mining company and the Catholic Church? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts not the other way around.......
Use fire extinguisher in case a Politician catches fire Use it to batter him to death.
So cats CAN'T fend for themselves for 4 weeks after all. Even though I left mini frozen pizzas, cash for emergencies and my mobile number.
Abdul Ali was seriously injured in a car crash &amp; he has been on life support. Today his family had to make an agonizing decision. They closed the shop to visit him.......
Chicken and a frog found a book The chicken says "book book book BOOK!'' The frog responds ''Read it Read it Read it!''
How do you circumcised a whale? Four skin divers
I went to the doctor the other day wearing nothing but clingfilm ....... I sat down, the doctor turned and looked at me to say "Clearly I can see your nuts!"
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.
what's the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.
If you're in love with 2 people, pick the second one, If you really loved the 1st, you wouldn't have fallen for the 2nd.
A man on his death bed smells cookies, gets up and walks into his kitchen. He asks his wife if he can have a cookie. The wife tells him to get out of here, those are for the wake
I'm too afraid of downloading PC sonic games C'mon, that creepypasta does not .exest!
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Well, I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face
What did the big ape say when he dialed incorrectly? "Oops! King Kong ring wrong."
If one day I woke up gay... Id go back to sleep
I peed on the floor in front of the beverages at a party Now there's no punchline.
What's worse than stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night? A landmine.
How'm I going to 80's montage myself out of this one?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
What stars go to jail? Shooting stars.
If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur!
Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide? He lost the huile d'olive
Three cows are standing in a field. Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease? Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter Cow 3: Holy shit a talking cow!
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Mohammad is a great name for a businessman It's all about the prophet.
I asked the grocery store man if they had eggnog and he's like "We only carry it at Christmastime" so I was all "Whatever, Hitler."
What's Fuzzy, Smokes, and Comes in Cubes? Fidel Castro.
I just ordered the wrong meat it was a misteak
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard... when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!", he says. The other man replies, "Nope, just taking a shit."
I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.
I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you. Do you have any cookies?
There must be something wrong with my phone I haven't gotten a single call about any of the 100s of jobs I've applied to. I think my email is messed up too.
What is it called when a heavy gambler goes on vacation? Paradice...
What do you call a Reddit cockblock? [removed]
Whats the worst part about sex with children? Cleaning the blood out of the clown costume when you are finished.
When can you store food in a door? When it's ajar.
Be careful in traffic with your pasta car... You wouldn't want it to get al dente.
An old lady standing in line at a bank machine asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
How do you find an inconvenient proof? With an Al-Gore-rithm
Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side.
What do you call a black woman who has had five abortions? A crime fighter.
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No
Do you know why donuts have a hole in them? Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed
Who invented mince? A leper playing guitar.
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks I'll never part with it !
What did the number do when it divided from its companion? Changed its status from 'In A Relationship' to 'Single'.
I saw this dude trying to pick up a girl. Him: I would tell you a joke about about my penis, but its too long. Her: LOL, that's funny. I wanna tell you one about my vagina, but you'll never get it.
Condoms A man walks into a shop to buy some condoms. The cashier asks 'would you like a bag with that?' To which the man replies 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
What do you call someone that likes to show off her ovaries? An eggshibitionist
Why are there no men's studies classes? World history already exists
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Why do cowgirls have bow-legs? Because cowboys always eat with their hats on.
Why is the letter "O" everywhere? Because it's a round U.
"Were any famous men born on your birthday?" "No, only little babies." 
My wife just left me because of my fetish with pasta I'm feeling cannelloni right now
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week 'cause, you know, 'tis the season to be Jolie.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook.
Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team
10's homework question: "Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?" His answer: "My mom."
What's the similarity between Madeline Mccann and a submarine? They are both at the bottom of the ocean full of seamen.
An Australian asked me, "Have you come to die?" "No, I came yesterday.", I replied.
Restrooms now have auto flushes, taps, hand dryers. But isn't it silly that you cancel all that by touching the door handle on your way out?
Snowstorm They call me the snowstorm, I'll give you 6-8 inches and make it difficult to get around the next day.
"Just do it!" Why Nike reps don't man the suicide hotlines.
What did the cow say under its breath? Utter.
Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three  headed mountain monster? Girl: Really? What kind of fur?  Boy: As fur away as possible!
Let's make this house party... a *home* party.
ISIS fighters dress as women in desperate attempt to flee battlefield They literally had to drag themselves out of the battlefield.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh? JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it's obvious who's having a better day.
How do you keep an AssHole in suspense?
What kind of fish is made up of 2 sodium atoms 2 Na
I did a theatrical performance on puns... It was really just a play on words.
If you get your phone wet, put it in a bag of rice overnight Eventually an Asian will come and fix it
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he's been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don't count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
You know why midget performers attract customers? they remind them that life is short
During your interview, try ending every sentence with "dot jpg". "How would you say you handle job pressure?" --Not a problem.jpg
Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Dear Bruno Mars, don't die for that b*tch. Obviously if someone is throwing grenades at her then she must be involved in  some serious sh*t.
I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.
Oliver Twist: "Please sir, I want some more!?" Manger: "Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?"
What is the French verb that means "To declare war"? *Surrendre*
A Male teacher is asked why he enjoys working with kids He said "i see myself in them" Edit: He is a pedophile but no one knows it
WIFE: Carol's hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I'd LOVE u to do that ME: Ok [next day] ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don't get it either
I'm 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.
What do you call a statistician watching a bull fight? A mathador.
To commemorate the disaster in Mecca where a crane fell and crushed pilgrims, Saudi Arabia will build a restaurant at the site. An IHOP: International House of Pancakes.
What is a Mexicans favorite sport? Cross country.
How do you find the blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Sorry; I didn't get your message because I deleted it without listening.
What did the duck say to the policeman? Quack
What do you call the cleavage of someone with breast implants? Silicone Valley
Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."
Wanna Play Barbies? Man: "Hi there, would you like to play barbies?" Lady: "I guess so?" Man: "Awesome, I'll be Ken and you can be the box I come in."
I like my women how I like my milk... Rich, white, and 2% fat
I made a Freudian slip at the dinner table the other night.. I meant to say to my mother-in-law "Could you please pass the potatoes?" But instead I said "You stupid cow, you have ruined my life."
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She didn't have any arms!!
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what's good for you... ME: [Holds up hand] "Let me stop you right there"
If helium lifts things could you say It's a source of light?
Why didn't sine cross the road? Cosecant
Why did the lady poet go to the doctor? She had a Yeats Inflection
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."
A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing saran wrap pants He says "Doctor, I think I'm crazy" The doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
Let's raise our glasses. I'll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We'll name this action after cooked bread
There once was a mouse called Keith Who did circumcisions for free with his teeth; He didn't do it for pleasure, Excitement or leisure... He did it for the cheese underneath.
Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.
So pokemon go is now just as popular as tinder. Both are apps where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
bro what if soy milk is just regular milk introducing himself in spanish?
I was about to tell a joke about sodium and hydrogen... ...but NaH
The people of Pompeii... Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD.
*Rides unicorn to work* *Gives Bigfoot hi-five* *Chats with mermaids* *Argues with Medusa* *Gets called in to HR* *Fails drug test*
Why is OP's mum like a bowling ball? Because she gets picked up, fingered and thrown down an alley then still comes back for more.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday? Forget it once.
Facebook should make an option, to block people from tagging me in videos/pictures that have nothing to do with me.
THERAPIST: You're cured. ME: Really?!? THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
What was in those drums of chemicals Captain Malcolm Reynolds hid behind in Firefly? For-Mal-To-Hide.
I'd like two tickets, please. - Is it for The Hobbit? - No, she's my girlfriend.
How does a mathematician deal with constipation? He works it out with a pencil.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, its not going to come anyways
I was going to make a dick joke, but it's harder than I thought.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Hahahahah Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
Who was the first carpenter? Eve. She made Adam's banana stand
My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.
I'm writing a book about how people can free themselves from taking pictures of themselves. It's a selfie-help book.
I don't know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.
What do you call a chronic masturbaiter in Turkey? A jerkin Turkin
This is a math joke So x^2 goes to a x^3 and asks, do you believe in god. For a moment the x^3 pauses before responding, you know what, I do believe in higher powers.
What is the cheapest type of meat? Deer testicles. They're under a buck.
But HOW will u make America great again? Trump: I'll make it like camp. A camp where u concentrate on how great I am. I'll call it a conce-
A new yoga student after his first class approached his attractive female instructor and said "I heard you're into fitness..." How about fitness dick in your mouth!?
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.
So two pencils got in an argument... It ended in a gra-fight.
Why cant train drivers be sentenced to the electric chair? Because they're bad conductors.
If the expression 'you're what you eat' is true... then cannibals are the only real humans!
What does the ghost like on his roast beef? grave-y gravy
Everything I need to know about whether or not cops are allowed to search my car I learned from Jay-Z songs.
This coffee shop is so crowded I accidentally started working on someone else's screenplay.
Teacher: Look at the state of the school  computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in it! Pupil: But then it will crack and we won't be able to use it at  all.
Why are mexicans so predictable in Uno? Because they always wish for the green card
What's E.T short for? His little legs.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison
Some people say that Frieza was the best character in Dragon Ball Z, but... I think his brother was cooler.
Just been to the shop and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. I can't believe the currant exchange rate
(NSFW) If Hillary Clinton was 36 and had 40 years of capital hill experience, I'd put my ballot in her box
"YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!" - I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
What did the incestual burger say to his son who's leaving for college? Meat again soon. Nice buns by the way (Lettuce keep that between us).
Hey baby do you shop at Aldi? Cause you'll love Aldi's nuts.
Just one look at any Smurf's balls and you can tell he's horny as hell.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
If I had to describe myself in one word... ...it would be "bad at following directions."
I came up with a new recipe for avocado and duck. I'm going to call it Quackamole.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick into your ass.
In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end. The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed kicking children.
Your husband's super cute, is he single?
How much do dirty deeds cost again? -Malcolm Young
I test drove a Kia today It wasn't really my Forte
Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll be cuddling with the shit instead of wiping with it.
I was gonna make a gay joke... Butt fuck it
What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison
Some subs... Are not the OP.
Do you know the worst part about drinking bleach? It never gets pass the noose.
On cold mornings, it'd be helpful if a menacing man screamed obscenities at me in German so I'd get out of the shower.
What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work? I'll catch you later!
'Knock Knock.' 'Who's there?' The pilot.
The US can't rely on Hillary Clinton to create jobs The last meaningful job Hillary had was outsourced to Monica Lewinsky... ...and Monica blew it!
Why are there only seat belts in the end of the bus? Because #backlivesmatter
I was on a date with a girl and she said "did you notice my finger nails?" And I was like "yes" and she was like "well I have no arms"
What's the difference between being erotic and kinky? Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole dam bird!
What do you call a boner at an early morning funeral? Mourning wood
Hmm... kkkk (too many) kkk (too racist) kk (looks like a typo) k (that'll work) Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting "k"
Why did the Kenyans win the marathon? They heard there was water at the end
Apple more profitable than Samsung still in 2015 Guess you could say they definitely out cell the competition.
Why do black people have white hands? There's a little good in everybody.
What's the difference between your finger and a hammer? I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!
Did you hear about that priest that turned to alcohol and drugs after he was confined to a wheelchair? He's no longer an upstanding member of the community.
Why is there no Mexican olympics? because all the ones who can run, jump and swim have already crossed the border
We'd like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
What's the best way to throw-up ?? Put a finger deep in your mouth and another one on your ass, if it still not working, inverse the fingers.
Unexpected things "It says here on your resume that you're good at saying unexpected things.." "Yes I am" "But I thought you were gonna say something unexp- ..oh you're good"
Would an Australian WiFi network... ...be a LAN down under?
Despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late '90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.
What's another way to describe a contradicktion? A logical phallusy!
My wife just sent me a text " I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)" .....I hope she misspelled Xbox
What type of trees do chickens grow on? Poul-trees
How do you make a gay man have sex with a woman? Shit in her cunt.
Why did the chicken cross the road? She wanted to lay it on the line.
How do animals in children's books always have nicer houses than mine when they don't have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I can't believe Earth is 2017 years old! ...plus a couple billion years...
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Date like a boyscout Leave em better than you found em.
Did hear about the explosion at the Kosher bread factory in Berlin? It was a challahcaust.
I saw a black man walking with a TV... ...I thought, "Hey, that's mine!!" But then I remembered, mine was tied up in the backyard.
"There's no I in TEAM," he yells. "There's no COACH in LOCKER ROOM," I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
It's a long shot... but does anyone know a good joke about a sniper?
Did you hear the Offspring song about how to store mummies? "You gotta keep 'em desiccated"
2:40 is the opposite of 4:20 If you wake up at 2:40 you're in rehab and detoxing.
Q: What's red and not there? A: No Tomatoes.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime "literally" is misused and did his "You keep saying that word" bit Genie: That ones on the house
What's black, blue, and hates having sex? The ten year old in my trunk.
How many dead prostitutes we need to change a lightbulb ? Certainly not three, because in my basement is still dark.
What does a chef say after he prays before a meal? Lett-Uce eat!!!!
Meta Knight walks into a restaurant... There is no counter.
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.... Soon after a young boy walks in. The priest says "lets fuck him!" The rabbi says "outta what!?"
How much did the pirate farmer charge for his corn? [](/party)A buck-an-ear!
Lorena Bobbit died in a car accident today From what I hear, some dick cut her off.
I told my kids I've never done drugs or been with anyone other than their father and the idiots totally bought it.
Guess who I bumped into at Specsavers Everyone
I want to start a towing company. I'll name it Jaques Crew Tow.
don't hate robert altman's 1992 satirical comedy "the player" hate david fincher's 1997 psychological thriller "the game"
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he got asked to play in a film about classic composers? I'll be Bach.
What do runners eat before a race? Nothing. They fast
TIL Steven Gerrard is releasing a biography on his time at Liverpool As of yet, the book has no title.
TIP FOR MEN TIPS 4 mEN . . . . . . . . . If you marry one girl, she will fight WITH you. . . But . . If you marry with two girls, they will fight FOR you... Think different
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I was addicted to freezing poultry. I had to go cold turkey.
What do you call an aircraft piloted by an all female flight crew An unmanned aircraft. Stolen from [here](https://np.reddit.com/r/flying/comments/2mntbj/my_wifes_first_flight_as_captain/cm6ahb4)
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... Unless you're in prison.
What does a woman's A**hole do when she has an orgasm? He's at home watching the kids
What wears a leather jacket, and would kill you if it fell from a tree? An elephant wearing a leather jacket!
What do girls always wear to math class? Alge-Bras!!
When a Vietnamese person has the same first and last name... It's a Nguyen Nguyen situation.
Map Makers Are Perverts Give those guys an inch, and they'll make it a mile
What do a good woman and KFC have in common? After nibbling the breast and thighs there's a greasy box to put your bone in.
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one cares.. But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.
I ordered the Club Salad for lunch.. I asked waitress "What all comes in the club salad?" She said "Lettuce, turnip, the beat"
My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM... Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy? Because of the Nye Quill.
When is a mountain goat not a mountain goat? When he's a hillbilly.
Child porn You sick fuck!
I'm very good at hurdles In fact I hold the personal record
What do you call someone who sings about mints? A "Minstrel".
Why is Jesus Christ gay? Because he was nailed by guys.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
"How can I help you? Hi I'd like a root canal "Are you a patient here?" No "Who referred you to us?" No one "Ok then why-" I have a Groupon
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won't divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless.
*goes 100mph in Prius *gets pulled over by police Cop: HOW
Want to hear a joke? Women's rights
Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right... Just like two thongs don't make it tight.
What does a Oompa Loompa Rabbi have for breakfast? Orange Juice
Where does honey come from? Beez nuts!
Megan with an h? Whatever Hmegan....
It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I'll consider this my workout for the day
I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open
I doubt anyone's actually "dying" from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The average Canadian couple says "sorry" 112 times in their wedding vows
I'm not saying I leave my wife sexually satisfied... But my neighbour just asked me to turn down the bass.
Bitty and Belly are sitting on the sidewalk A Mercedes drives by and its horn plays a familiar melody. Bitty asks, "Is that from a movie?" Belly replies, "No, it's a car tune."
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
Uncle Sophia wants to remind you that cooking spray does *not* double as lube in a pinch.
What do you call it when a stripper does charity work? Pro *boner* work
If Bruce decides to become a comedienne, what will his stage-name be? Fanny Bruce
What's the difference between a shopping cart and a radical feminist? A shopping cart will, on occasion, exhibit a mind of it's own
What's worse than a dumpster full of dead babies? The live one at the bottom eating his way out.
What do you call a gay Mexican couple that just won the lottery? Juan in Emiliano
* Pogoing Outside Your Window ~ Are... You... Sure... You... Don't... Want.... A... Second... Date?
What's little, brown, and found in the woods? Winnies' pooh.
Doc: "Your arm is broken. I'll put you in a cast for a while and it'll recover." Me: "Ok, but I don't get how being in a movie will help."
Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
What do they call Counter-Strike in the Middle East? Tuesday.
I caught a mosquito in my hand.. It sucked.
Did you hear the one about the blind ship captain? He couldn't sea anything.
I'd like to see a world without plagerism You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? There's no rest for the wicked.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Steven Hawking after a housefire
What do you call an Irish woman who stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture
If I want to bang an Eskimo... Alaska
"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. " "Really? I go swimming and for long hikes" "I know.".
Talking to retirees in the complex. They don't care how many followers I have. They're all "D-Day this, Iwo Jima that." Guh. UNFOLLOW.
What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman One is on the cover of playboy while the other is on the cover of national geographic
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word* *paperclip pops onto screen* Do you mean "digger"?
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Thinking of a joke when there's a worm in your apple
Why should you never invite a pig to join your  tug-of-war team? Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.
What is logic? A mute telling a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a paraplegic running behind a bald guy while grabbing his hair.
How do you make a little girl cry twice? You wipe your dick on her teddy bear after!
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside.
What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it? It hurts, but olive.
Most women who've dated me will tell you I'm about an 8 on the pain scale.
A feminist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.
I like my women like I like my cars Fast, loud, and used. Off craigslist.
I had such a great masturbation session last night... that when I woke up in the morning my dick was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The difference between an European that feels fat and an American that feels the same? The European goes to the gym, the American goes to Jim's.
Its supposed to be drizzy today, so expect a lil wayne.
I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
What do you call an epileptic frolicking in a garden? Seizure salad.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced...
How do you show your appreciation towards black holes? Thanks for nothing!
Why do old people read the Bible so much? Cramming for finals
Do you know what Pinocchio and your dad have in common? They were both inside a whale.
Why was Tom Cruise hired by Volkswagen? Emission Impossible
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dre
Who's Angry in Japan? The director of Life of Pi.
I had a joke... But I lost my plane of thought.
Clowns terrorizing the streets. A real life billionaire villain running for president. We need Batman more than ever.
You can say what you want about deaf people....
Kid goes to buy weed for the first time. Kid: how much you want for that half ounce? Dealer: 4 20s Ill go hide in shame.
Why Aren't There Riots When White People Get Killed? Because white people have work in the morning.
I was told not to say the word "Hell" and should say something else instead... So I said, "How about H E double dildos."
Always be yourself... Unless you run into one of your exes... Then... Be a WAY more successful version of yourself...
All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.
How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this. Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.
2010 Kids Wont Get This... Standing in line
I don't think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.
Why don't White Elephants run? because they Ele-cant....Can somebody explain this to me? (Seriously, I don't get it, is it like Elegant?)
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting* Wtf there's no prize in this? "Sir, we don't sell cereal. This is Petsmart."
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*notices girl singing song that's on in coffee shop* Me: You're a Cher fan too!? Her: Hold on *takes off bluetooth* Her: What? *dies alone*
What do hobbits secretly call Gandalf when he drinks too much ? The White Wizzer
fun prank: text a girl "we need to talk right now" and then throw your phone into a river
What do you call cheese that isn't yours...? Not *your* cheese!
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
A marching band passed by this morning, shouting "Make America Great Again!" Must be some Donald Trumpeters.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu!
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof. We believe you.
My wife treats me like a God...She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
[blind date] Me: So you can't see me? Him: Nope. Not at all. Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Schizophrenia and Abandonment Issues I have schizophrenia and intense abandonment issues. I'm not worried: it's kinda like 1 + -1=0 since I'll never really be alone.
What kind of bee makes milk? A boobie.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
The reality is that if you have a job that requires a name tag, I'll never give a fuck what your name is.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag ? They can lighten your load !
Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I'm optimizing code
Top Gun was so unrealistic Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Coffee. Not my cup of tea.
What I learned from this subs The best joke always in the comments section
what is a jew that has eaten too many beans? a gas chamber
Two men at the Communist Nudist Colony are sitting on the porch... One turns to the other and says, "I say old boy, have you read marx?" The other says, "Yes, I believe it's these wicker chairs."
The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!
Hiding my rewards card in the bushes by my coffee shop so I don't have to keep freakin' remembering to bring it
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender
Ghost joke joke booooobies
I'm so glad l had piles of paperwork on my desk to soak up the coffee I spilled.
What's black and white with red all over it? A nun with multiple stab wounds.
Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.
What do you call two crows? Attempted murder.
95% of pet ownership is just saying "hello" to them in various tones.
My Aunt Rosie has sent me so many Candy Crush invites that I've legitimately stopped loving her
How do you make antifreeze? Take away her blanket!
Do you know why Kim Jong Un executes everyone he doesn't like? Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
I used to be addicted to soap It's okay I'm clean now
This man recorded his son every day for a decade. The footage is breathtaking and takes 10 years to watch.
How do you cancel your appointment at the spermicides bank? You call and say you can't cum. Edit:typo
Ronda isn't being a poor sport ..she just needs a few months to learn how to talk again
Whats the difference between a prostitute and a crack dealer? The prostitute can wash her crack and use it again and again.
What do you call an Irish lesbian? Gaelic.
I could win the Nobel Peace Prize and not feel as accomplished as I do when I successfully put together something from Ikea.
Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the clutch.
I'm really good at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
What is Oedipus Rex's Mom's favorite Elton John song? Don't Let The Son Go Down On Me
Q: Why don't blondes like buttered  toast? A: They can't figure out which side the butter goes on.
Why did the Aggie think the weatherman got the  sunny forecast wrong?  -The Aggie drove through a car wash
There are two types of people in this world: Those that can extrapolate information
As an adult, I have to do some lame things like pay bills & have responsibilities. But I can also eat ice cream for dinner.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma. SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Why is it easy to defeat an army of suicide bombers? There are no experienced ones
What do you get when you cross a blue eye and a brown eye? Pink eye
How do you call a puzzled amputee? Stumped.
Just said, "Sorry, I have to go," out loud to my computer.
2 Transformers got married Soon thereafter, they had a baby Transformer. But at that moment when they had a baby, they suddenly could not be seen anymore. They had become Transparents.
I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?
Did you know that Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer? Too bad he never cries.
Whats the difference between Hospitality and Business? One will help you and the other will help you be an asshole
How to catch a polar bear: Step 1: cut a hole in the ice. Step 2: set a can of peas opened and in front of it. Step 3: When the bear comes to take a pea kick it in the ice hole.
Q: Why should you never run in front of a bus? A: You will get tired.
Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Some people have hauntingly good looks. Not you though, you're just really scary looking.
How many potatoes does it take to starve an Irish man? None
Sinead O'Connor has gone missing whilst going out on a bike ride. I'll start to get worried when it's been seven hours and fifteen days
How much of this "no more tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
What do you call a really handsome potato? A spud.
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I hate the Blacks in my neighborhood. Mr. Black is a douche. Mrs. Black is a slut. And the kids are the worst.
Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he thinks it doesn't matter if you make it or not
What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist. (It sounds better when you say it aloud)
My doctor wrote me a prescription..... For dailysex, but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
Nothing has ever bothered me as much as my recent realization that I have never seen bird testicles.
Need help with a joke! What's a funny reason that Germany or Germans can't be trusted that doesn't have to do with nazis?
What's worse: Alzheimer or Parkinson? Alzheimer. I'd rather drink my beer shaking than forget to to drink it.
How do you greet an overweight Micronesian when you're trying to sound cool? Microsoft Word.
How can you tell if a girl is too young for you? You need to make the airplane sound to put your cock in her mouth. (From one of my favorite stand-ups, Jimmy Carr!)
[creation] GOD: Let's name some of you bugs FLY: Me first! GOD: Okay...Fly FLY: Hell yeah! BUTTERFLY: Now me! GOD: Hmm...Butterfly FLY: Sonuvab-
Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.
I didn't make this joke up myself.. I reddit somewhere. My coworker said that about me and thought I'd share :)
"STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO", I yell to my 5 year old.
Why should you always bring charmander along when camping? Because he's the fire starter.
When you "assume" you make an "ass" out of "Ume," my Hawaiian buddy, who hates assumptions.
I played UNO with my cousins from Mexico last weekend. They just call it **ONE**
A person browsing the internet came across a clickbait title
Did you hear about the blonde who got detention for flirting with boys in class? She told the teacher she wanted to go down in history...
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war. The librarian replies, "Fuck off, you'll lose it."
What do you say to a motivated ghost? That's the spirit!
Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.
Girls read smiles And the gap in your teeth spell friendzone
A man came to my door today, and asked if I would donate to building the community pool So I gave him a glass of water
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"
What do you call the act of giving annalingus on the back of a flying dragon? A Skyrimjob
Why don't midgets ever get accepted into nudist colonies? They keep sticking their noses into everyone else's business.
People who talk about me behind my back. You discussed me.
A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo's show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it's Halloween because our family reunion was in July....
[after robots take over] *drones crash into my kitchen* ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me? *fridge starts laughing* BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Why don't people like gay soccer players? They score against their own team.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors? So they can see the battle.
I'd just like to say a few words Hat, car, tree, river.
My New Years resolution would have been to stop procrastinating so much Except I never got around to writing that one down...
I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
Ignorance is a palindrome
Why did Carrie Fisher enjoy doing her one-woman show? Because she nailed that Solo.
Did you hear about the King who got killed during a torrential downpour, and his only heirs were pets? It's been reigning cats and dogs ever since
Boss: Are you high? Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?
What do you get when you cross a pig with an  elephant? A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
What does a pickle use to make bread? Dill Dough.
I broke up with my wife We had to be put back together
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn't satisfy me anymore.
What's Beethoven up to these days? Decomposing
I wrote a song about a coal digger having sex with a 15 year old. I call it 'A Miner in a Minor' in A minor.
Have you heard , Donald Trump is having a sex change operation ? He is tired of pretending ... now he wants to identify himself as a real man.
I ordered popcorn before watching The Revenant. The concession worker asked if I wanted butter. "Does a bear shit in leo's mouth?"
I Saved A Life Today. It looks great in my cereal box collection.
"Oh yeah, let's run to the hills. That sounds like a great idea." -Ironic Maiden
My grandmother said she would give birth to my mother when the time machine was invented. Apparently she lied.
What do you call a superfluous elephant? Irelephant
What's your best math/science pick up line?
Why did the vampire use mouthwash? Because he had bat breath
What did the pirate say to the other pirate? Don't touch my booty
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as 'a stone's throw from the beach'.
Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.
I was hoping my sister could help me with trigonometry... But then I remembered, "she's in middle school, of course secant"
I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude
Why did Hillary go to the gynecologist? She was feelin' the Bern!
Stop making jokes about gay guys. Come on guys. im also fucking serious guys. its so *hard* making gay jokes and hoping you wont get lower karma, butt fuck it.
I wish there was a Mormon version of The Bachelor. That way none of the women would have to be eliminated.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
being a secretary must really suck.
Know how drunk girls go out of their way to insist how sober they are? The same rule applies to a guy who always talk about how "big" he is.
Q: Why do Chinese noodles make the best lovers?? A: Because they are 'Lo Mein-tenance' and they don't won a ton of attention. ...but then again, Italian noodles have great Penne-tration...
Me: Hello darkness my old friend Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
A Sleepwalking Nun What do you call a sleepwalking nun?          A roamin' catholic
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming "But dad we're goldfish" Oh yeah, I forgot "Forgot what?"
The only thing that Trump and I can agree on... ...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.
How many Fat Acceptance Movement activists does it take to change a light bulb? You don't need to change your bulb. Light or heavy, you are beautiful and worthy of acceptance.
[Nsfw] What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbonzo bean? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
When my laptop asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Sometimes I put on a belt made out of watches because I like to waist time
What do you call a unicorn that's had its horn removed. Eunuchorn
Why do turkeys always gobble? They haven't been taught good table manners!
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
I want to go see the new Purge movie... But I have to binge on the first two...
What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night? Nocturtle
Why did the girlfriend of a guy trying to pay down $20K in debt leave him? No eating out.
What is a ghost's favorite type of porn? BOO-kakke
What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet!!
What do you call an airplane's cockpit if it's staffed by female pilots? The Box Office.
I wish behavior in football was acceptable in all jobs. Like if u clear a paper jam out of the printer you can stanky leg on your boss' desk
How to make a trump sandwich Russian Potato Bread Lots of Baloney Peanut Butter One Small Pickle
A rabbi and a priest walk past a burning orphanage the rabbi says to the priest should we save the children? The priest responds "nah fuck them" the rabbi replies do we have time
If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone'd say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people'd be screaming things like, "Augh! That guy just killed my mom!"
Just wrote a musical composition about pedophiles... "Dick" in A minor
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.
I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.
[1st date] "My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn't that cool? When's yours?" Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Ever since I became asexual I've found I have to repeat myself a lot. ... You're not getting it? Neither am I. ... Let me reiterate.
I went to the library today I said: do you have any books on suicide? She said: we did, but no one brings them back
What do Elsa and a necrophiliac have in common? The cold never bothered them anyway......
What do Mexicans write in school? Essays.
If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me.... ....Like the words President Bush.
Monogamy is difficult. I can't get one girl to have sex with me.
I sleep like a baby at night, rarely and with short bursts of crying and pooping, sometimes both
What did one calculator say to the other when it was time for it to leave? Aight I'll calcu-lata
You can't spell anal rash without Sarah Palin.
Where do boats go when they're sick? The Doc
Why are the cops in Ferguson Steelers fans? Bullet train!
What does a 90 year old woman taste like? Depends.
Cow: Why don't you shoo those flies? Bull: I'll let them go barefoot!
[inventing flies] GOD: make them eat shit ANGEL: got it GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let's discuss ways they could improve their image
I wonder how smart I'd be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I've ever done
Why can't you shop in the UAE? There's nothing Dubai.
You know it's love when you let her commit to your source tree without reviewing her code.
What does a cow produce when an earthquake occurs MILKSHAKE
Confucius say "Virginity is like bubble; one prick, all gone."
yesterday, Judge Thompson issued the longest sentence in the Supreme Court's history, needless to say, it was run-on.
Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.
If you speak too slowly, my brain completes your sentences in all kinds of ways that make you interesting for a moment.
Anal is like your first car You don't really want it, but your step dad gives it to you anyway
I don't normally pisses off anyone on reddit. But when i do [deleted]
How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her up as a choirboy.
How did I win a Super Smash Bros. Brawl Tournament? I met a knight
Wife: Who was that on the phone? Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau. Wife: What did he say? Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
What do you call a castrated unicorn? A eunuch-orn
Hickory Dickory Dock Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries. Edit: First front page post! Thanks all!
Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
One time, Helen Keller fell down a well She screamed her hands off
What does a noodle say after praying? Ramen
Women are like coffee beans: The coarser they are, the more you need to grind them, the finer they get.
I'm gonna have sex on new year's day... To start the new year with a bang.
Request: biology jokes Hey guys I need some jokes for my biology class to liven things up a bit so gimme your best. ( pick-up lines and puns also acceptable)
What concert ticket costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback
Husband (right before going to bed): "Baby here is the aspirin for your headache". Wife: "But I dont have any headaches" Husband: Gotcha!
Why don't vampires like steak? Because it's bad for their heart.
What does a gay rooster say? "Anycockledoooooo!"
Why don't Hindus ever have good luck after reincarnating? They always get buried in Indian burial grounds
[NSFW]My uncle said I have the body of a seven year old... ...I told him to stay away from my freezer.
I was reading about two ships that collided at sea. One was carrying red paint and the other blue paint and all the sailors were marooned.
99% of humanity Works on the principle of rocket science. It does not mean , we always aim for the sky; it means that we do not start work unless our tail is on fire.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."
98% of black people love having sex in showers The other 2% haven't been to prison yet
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan.
Mammals for $500 Alex "Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating" What are sloths? "Wrong, What are coworkers"
You've got to hand it to short people They usually can't reach it anyway.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
My girlfriend got D for Christmas from her Math teacher.
*walks into a five guys* Did the five guys ever kiss
A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender looks up and says... "What is this, some kind of joke?"
"For every action there is an unequal and opposite overreaction." - Newton's law of the Internet
My mom asked me to sit indian style... so I pulled out a bar stool.
Worst days in United States history.. .. 9/11 and 11/9
What do you call 2 crows sitting on a bench? Attempted murder.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Suck his dick.
The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.
The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes. You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.
What's the difference between Batman's parents and jokes about Batman's parents? Jokes about Batman's parents can get old.
Bloody FedEx... I've been waiting all day for my punchline
Updates status.. no one comments. Updates status again.
Knock, Knock... Who's there? The K.G.B. The K.G.B. wh... **SLAP**! WE are K.G.B., WE will ask questions!!
I just sold adderal to a guy who thinks its viagra! Ahh, he'll thank me later.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It's my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I lay my girls like I lay my bricks With cement.
What rhymes with left and means steal? theft
A nation that looks at a quivering tower of gray Arby's meat product and thinks "this is healthy" cuz there's no bun is capable of anything.
What do you call a Jamaican teacher at Hogwarts? De mentor.
My wife says I'm way too condescending (That means I speak down to people)
In Gaza Strip... ...Kykes gas you!
What's white and in the men's 100m track final? The lines.
I'm not really that surprised that there was a controversy over that Tracer pose in Overwatch. After all, she *is* an offensive hero.
Hulk got mad at his washing machine. Hulk SMASH IT! So Hulk gotta go to laundromat this morning. Hulk so stupid.
You know what they say, when you go darkskin... they steal your car.
Did you hear about the Mexican racist? He joined the que que que.
Why don't Junior League debutantes like group sex? Too many Thank You notes to write.
Why did the Snowman pull his pants down? Because the snowblower was coming.
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. 'He's like a fish out of water.' You mean he's having trouble adjusting?' No, I mean he's dead.'
Why did Napoleon wear sleeves? For his armies
I'm very anti-slavery, but boy do I hate laundry.
Hey- ZigZag- What causes dry eyes? Ducts out of water ...
I just saved 15% or more on my Calculus test... by switching to radians.
What's the best part of having sex with 25 year olds? There are twenty of them.
Why couldn't the pirate have gravy with his thanksgiving dinner? Because someone stole his boat.
If Trump deports all the Mexicans Who's going to build the wall?
[first date] HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware? ME: [filling container] The sign says 'All You Can Eat', it doesn't specify when
While in Prague I drove by the maximum security prison. It made me feel uneasy... I never like passing bad Czechs.
A parabola walked into a bar... It walked out again
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
What do you call a camera with severe mood swings? A BiPolaroid
Me: I just broke a nail. WebMD: Finger cancer.
[boss's office] I'm tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray? "No, sir" I like your style, Murray.
My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle". When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"
Who cares that Bush did 9/11? Its not that bad or particularly good. Its 82% that's a low "B".
Penn State has taken down the statue of Joe Paterno. However, they have opted to leave his name on the library, as a reminder to stay quiet.
A man visits his psychiatrist wearing only cellophane wrapped around his body The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."
What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I chop an onion.
What do you call Detroit's trash? Detroitus
Why does the hipster make crappy coffee? The beans are always under-ground.
This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton... She isn't getting paid for it
I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
*dresses like a kitty* *climbs tree* *waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I don't see why people are outraged when Donald Trump says if Ivanka wasn't his daughter, he'd be dating her. After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.
What do you call a skinny person with a lisp Methed up
Pick out a dog at an animal shelter and everything's ok. Pick out a girlfriend at a woman's shelter and everyone loses their mind.
Two peanuts are walking down the street... one's assaulted.
What do a bunch of wankers do in a group? Mass debating.
Like my parents always said, "you're in the wrong house, you live next door".
A squirrel found big nuts to stock up in its tree. Now i have a empty nutsack and a burning tree.
Why does salt come in a bottle? Because it's white I don't know why it's funny. I just heard it so can someone explain it to me?
What does a bully say to someone with severe depression? Stop hating yourself, stop hating yourself!
Did you hear about the fat chick I fucked on the elevator? It was wrong on so many levels.
My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.
What's black and blue and floats down the river? A jew telling ethnic jokes.
*breaks into your house at night* *finds your bedroom* *blows on you til you wake up* HI I'M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?
[aquarium] Me: "That's a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank." Guide: "it's octopi." Me: "Oh..that's a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank."
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods... The boy says, "hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared" The guy says, "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"
How do tree surgeons live? Life on the hedge!
What's the worst part of having to break up with a Japanese girlfriend? you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Theres 365 days until halloween and people ALREADY have their decorations up.
I'm glad the Library of Congress is archiving tweets so that someday alien scientists will know why civilization fell.
Q: How does a poor mans cube look like? A: It's a sphere.
Al Gore should have had a band named The Algorehythms. Courtesy of my dad at lunch today.
As a large adult male I think I could probably last at least 30 seconds with Rhonda Rousey But probably less than 10 seconds in a fight against her.
"Suddenly, my hair collapsed." - And I started to regret offering to edit my friend's first novel.
Hey, new Beatles fans! The fuck have you been doing for the last 50 years? Every record shop would like to know before they close forever.
Two old ladies are sitting on a prk bench when a streaker ran past. One had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.
Bad pirate jokes! I'll start. What be a pirate's favorite restaurant? You'd think it was Arby's, but it's actually Long John Silver's.
What do you call a stupid fish? A dumb bass I'll sea myself trout
If tree fall in Siberian woods... And tree fall on Glorious Leader Putin... Does make any sound other than applause?
What's better than roses on a piano... Tulips on an organ. Let me know if you get it. I'm not gonna lie it took me a couple minutes when a co-worker told me this. Creds: J-mans old man.
What's the difference between a ginger and a brick? A brick gets laid.
I tried baby proofing my home.. But they keep getting in
I'm a true sportsman... I have a tennis elbow, A golfer's shoulder, And athlete's feet.
How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. They hold it in place while the world revolves around them.
I'm scared of trampolines They make me jump!
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you see later, and the other you see in a while.
I like my men like I like my tea in little disposable bags
I used to have a height complex, But then I grew out of it.
Pity Teacher writes down the word 'pity' on the blackboard. Suddenly, I think to myself "Oh, it's what comes after forty-nine..."
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is? Seriously, I don't know, I'm leaving...
What's the useless skin around a vagina called? A woman.
I recently switched over to cinnamon flavored toothpaste so when I do brush my teeth, I can't tell how much my gums are bleeding.
What's white and has black spots a dalmatian
How do you blind an Asian? Put a windshield in front of them
Luis Suarez is teaming up with Joe Hart to advertise Head and bloody Shoulders.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
saddam hussein is full of shiite.
What did the Doe say when she came out of the woods? I'm not doing that again for two bucks.
What did the alien say to the cat? Take me to your litter.
The cool thing about Cake Boss cakes is how everything is edible and has been touched all over and breathed upon for hours.
What is a 6.9? A really great thing ruined by a period.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
The lesbians next door got my a rolex I think they were a bit confused when I said I wanna watch
Why do men like Haunted Bees? boobees ! :D I'll show myself out.
Why can't Africa have Volkswagen beetles? Because an elephant will screw anything with a trunk in the front. Thanks to a random guy outside of a 7/11.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Say your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies  toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before !
[OC] Pun Joke (You might have to say this out loud) What did one smell say to the odor? "You stink at telling jokes."
A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: - I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: - You are right. And besides this it has no bottom.
*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*
I like my women like I like my dick... ...kept in a dark place and taken out to be beaten every once in a while
A battery is like a loner They're both not included in anything
Police Officer Joke Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
If "The Stache" is ever going to make a real comeback they are going to have to stop posting pictures of pedophiles on the evening news.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you're doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I asked for soundproof walls my mom also got me a straight jacket
I've been sending naked pictures of myself to the TSA. I'm not traveling anywhere, but as an American, I want to be helpful.
*catches 4yo putting on deodorant* Me: What are you doing? 4yo: Feeding my armpits. Me....as you were.
Whats the difference between Aladdin lamp and women make up - nothing if you rub both you will find a freak
A cop pulls over a stoner The cop looks at him and asks "How high are you?" to which the stoner replies "No officer, the correct way to say it is Hi how are you."
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Bin Laden released an audio tape about the Christmas underwear bomber. A month later. Where has he been, living in a cave?
The only two things I hate are Racism and The Portuguese
I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew. Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?
Knock Knock Who's there? Two Two Who? To Whom!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound: "Please let it be my leg, Lord."
What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews? Boy scouts come back from camp.
What do you get if you put 5 lesbians and 5 politicians in the same room? 10 people who don't do dick.
What's The Best Part Of Getting/Receiving A Blowjob? Her shutting up for once.
Why the big pause................................? Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh
My coworker used to joke "I'm allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!". Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while driving, but there's no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can't remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain? Because of the indoor fins.
I finally got around to watching Dr Strange It was about time
I've got a banana in my drawer that I took from the office fruit basket. In 3 weeks my co-workers will pay me to throw it away. Easy money.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
"I'd like to make a toast." - piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
They should name hurricanes after black people: It only takes one to ruin the neighborhood.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[NSFW] [NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common? They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
Why did the fastest animal on earth got disqualified on the race? Because it is using steroids.
99 cent stores must've had some pretty nice shit in 1921
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
is it me or is it tired in here? hahahahaahaa
What do you call an eye doctor living on an island in Alaska? An optical Aleutian.
What's the difference between Ray Charles and Ray Rice? Ray Charles wasn't a one-hit wonder.
You wake in a field, nude, grass stained elbows, knees and a condom in your ass, Do you tell anyone? No? Wanna come camping with me this weekend?
You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?
I'm white, but not "tell people that life is beautiful" white.
[first date] HER: i'm really into guys- ME (eager to impress her): me too
Made a friend today. Well, I knocked on my window when a guy walked past my house. I'll name him Terry.
[furniture store] Wife: We're putting in a bar. Salesman: OK Wife: And... S: Yes? W: Go ahead, say it. Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I was looking at some fetish porn on my phone... I came upon it by accident.
Why was the feminist picnic cancelled? because nobody made sandwiches
Just moved a book to make room for my phone on the table and in that one action I symbolized everything that's wrong with us.
I told everyone I was going to be a comedian And they all laughed at me. Now I'm a comedian, and they're not laughing anymore.
I saw a woman in the supermarket pick up her kids by the hair Certainly raised a few eyebrows
I started seeing a psychic. I knew she was good because she told me she's voted best in the city 2017 and 2018.
The first time I had sex I cried I don't know whether it was the physical contact, emotional connection, or pepper spray but any way I teared up.
have you heard about the couple who confused the tube of K-Y Jelly with window putty? It was horrible, all of the windows fell out of their new house
I've got a joke about Jonesville but the punchline is too long.
What do baby pythons play with?  Rattle-snakes.
Did you hear about the man who choked on his lasagna dinner? He pasta way.
What branch of the military did the hipster join? The Salvation Army.
A gaggle of geese, a brood of hens, what do you call a group of turkeys? A corporation.
Parenting: 1st kid: Document their every move 2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
What does a bad salesman and a toilet have in common? They are both full of crap.
Old one but still funny: Two Muffins are sitting in an oven... ... one muffin says to the other "Damn its starting to get really hot in here." The other one says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Popeye's is across the street and I prefer take-out to dine-in.
Two fish are in a tank. . . One turns to the other and asks **"How do you drive this thing?"**
Dettol went to GERMANY Now its called ANY.
Why periods? Why can't mother nature just tweet me and be like "Waddup girl. You ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month"
No one ever smells their finger because it smells good.
President Obama just signed a law banning mobile phones in prisons. Well there goes about half of my followers
When I quit my job I'm going to barge into my boss's office, slam my gun and badge on his desk, and storm out of this Arby's forever.
The Eagles see a surge in sales .. .. amid the social medias resounding catch phrase, "Who the fuck is Glen Fry ??"
First witch: My hasn't your little girl grown ? Second witch: Yes she's certainly gruesome.
A small blue garden bird made of mahogany. It would be funny if I had a punchline.. Wooden tit.
Those Weren't Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
How long does it take for stormtroopers to obey Kylo Ren? Just the First Order.
My teacher told me that Japan had a homogeneous population. If Japan's so genius, how come they haven't figured out that the homo part's the cause of their declining birthrates?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
What does a 16 year old girl say in West Virginia? Get off me daddy, you're crushing my smokes
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now.
Why don't Photons go to church on Sunday? Photons never have mass when at rest!
Why is Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight.
Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes? Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over
Why would Superman have won any race he ran against Roy Roger's dog? Because he was faster than a speeding Bullet ...
Why does Snape teach options and not herbology? His lily died
"Playing hard to get huh?" I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted
Selling an improved autocorrect? Shut up and take my monkey.
This 'Planking' craze has really taken off... The old man who lives next door to me has been lying face-down in his back yard for three days now.
When ya leave Twitter it's called twittercide. What about Instagram? Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
A bald man was once presented with a comb as a gift... He said, "I'll never part with it."
I went to see the ballet, and.. ..all the dancers were standing on tiptoe. I said,"Why don't they just get taller dancers?"
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
Why should you always wear underwear in Ukraine? Otherwise Chernobyl Fallout.
What part of a heavy metal show involves bad jokes. Smosh pits.
Oxygen and Potassium went on a date. It went O.K.
I'm Cherokee and German... I can walk a trail but I can't finish a race.
*posts picture of the saddest meal of all time, a big plate of dry meat and weirdly burnt vegetables* it's so sad that some guys can't cook.
Hey symphonies, play the main part we like more.
What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas? Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift
There are 10 types of people... too highbrow? There are 10 types of people... those who know binary, those who don't and those who understand off-by-one errors.
I don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor... I still hate you.
Did you know two melons of the same sex can't marry? Does that mean they cantaloupe? *Thanks to My Drunk Kitchen!
Have you heard about the type of hay made from oak leaves? Apparently it's OK
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat
A reason why we can't have a perfect world: Because I don't want one.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Why Do Elephants Have Big Ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom!
What does an octopus wear on a cold day? A coat of arms!
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Worried sick about America's billionaires, you guys
How do tectonic plates have fun? They meet up and crack each other up.
An evil villain is on the loose Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again? [giant kid with magnifying glass emerges] Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[Dirty] Guy walks into a... A guy walks into a shop and asks if they have any parsley, the cashier answers "No sir this is a porn shop". The guy says "Oh well, do you have any dill though?"
I had a cough like that once... I didn't kick the bucket, I was just a little pail!
Q: Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach? A: Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.
I hope this new health care bill also includes every American's right to a lollipop after leaving the doctor.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Sometimes I wake up grouchy sometimes I let her sleep
FREE IPAD FOR ANSWERING A SIMPLE SURVEY. 1) WHERE DO YOU LIVE? 2) DO YOU OWN WEAPONS? 3) WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE? #NIGHTOFTHEFREEIPAD
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
How do you spell anarchy? Any way you fucking want.
What do you get when you cross a rock climber with a tsetse fly? Nothing. You can't cross a scaler and a vector.
Why did the woman get stoned off her ass? Sharia Law.
Why do bees have sticky hair ? Beacuse of the honey combs !
Saw Harry Potter. *SPOILER ALERT* ZERO tits.
I just opened a new christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth" We also do takeaway.
What's the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al Qaeda training camp? Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.
GF asks his BF, GF: Am I pretty or ugly? BF: You're both. GF: I'm confused. How's that? BF: You're pretty ugly.
Hannibal Lecter tells his first victim what he is going to do to him... Victim- "You are shitting me..." Hannibal- "Not yet"
So my friend asked me how often I make chemistry jokes. I replied "Periodically"
I started a company... I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings... It's a complex complex complex.
What's the best part of a woman? between 18 and 24 yrs
Give a man a fish... ...and feed him for a day. Give a man to a fish, and feed it for like months.
What do you call an underdeveloped chicken fetus in a frat house? ...an embroyo! heyooooooooo
The white Xbox One S was just announced. Of course it's 40% smaller than the black one.
My wife and I can't agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she's digging in her heels.
PMS jokes aren't funny... Period.
A WASP goes into a clothing store to buy a suit. He asks a salesperson, "How much is this one?" The salesperson says, "It's $1000." The WASP says, "I'll take it."
What do you call a time traveler who masturbated in the future? A blast from the past.
DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time TOILET PAPER: bro
What's the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist? They both work with crust.
Being molested by a teacher is twice as bad for home-schooled kids.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Jesus Was Born In The Middle East... Why'd you think he was white?
Chemistry Student I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na, I don't'. Lucky sod, he's only ever right periodically.
What does the chicken says to the other chicken? Nothing.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don't think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I'm just eating it.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
What did the mom say when she found out her son took an unexpected trip north? I don't like your latitude!
I see the joke your dad told you, and raise you my dads dumb ass joke What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty, deer nuts are under a buck!
Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have? Godfrey
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[first date] Her: know what you're getting yet? Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus. Her: oh, you have a kid at home? Me: no.
'I have a baby-sized dick' he said. He wasn't lying. 19 inches, 7.5 lbs.
[interrogation] Bad Cop: *face way too close to Shakira's waistline* tell me what I want to know
Why is there no gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs
#BPMovies 20,000 Leaks Under the Sea.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners'
If you are standing with one foot in France and one in Germany taking a piss, what are you? European
Don't hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language. Hate on Americans for not learning English.
Was asked to make the potato salad. I made it while sitting on the couch. Yep, made Couch Potato Salad.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A joke walks into a bar... Bartender says woah! I've never *meta* joke before
Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of. Is it a virus or a free U2 album?
Nobody cares that my ears are flattening and my nose is growing longer... I guess its just *irrelephant*.
Dinner When my wife asks me "What do you want to have for dinner" I never guess right.
What is the greatest sport in the history of the Olympics? Discus(s). [I think this works better verbally...]
The Dumb Blonde Quiz
Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?
What do you call people who use the pull out method as form of birth control? Parents.
I watched what many consider the worst Star Trek episode ever, but I didn't think it was too bad. I guess I just have a lower Threshold for quality.
I like going up to people with motorcycle helmets and asking them for Daft Punk's autograph.
It's already the second week of January and I'm still writing 1983 on my checks.
Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.
Why didn't the monk's clothes fit properly? Because he was cohabiting.
*creating garbage cans* God: "That's where trash goes" *creating my twitter* God: "That's where trash comes from"
I just heard a beautiful poem... "I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig, we all dig." I'll admit it's not a very *beautiful* poem, but it sure is deep.
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colour? It had a reptile dysfunction.
I was looking at the baseball, trying to figure out why it was getting larger. Then it hit me.
Did you hear about that guy who had his penis enlarged? He's much cockier now.
BowHead Whales! The problem with Bowhead whales is how narcissistic they are. They just won't stop thinking that they are Right!
What does Stevie Wonder call his money? Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend?
Pregnant The best part about being pregnant is...you can't hear your baby cry.
this beer contains chemicals known to the state of california to cause ice cold refreshment
Why did the mean and mode laugh together? Because they had a co-median between them.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
[on a date] "I usually don't do this but.." *runs out on date so she has to pay*
What is it called when Batman abandons Gotham city? Christian Bale.
It's not often people compliment my parking.... but the other day, I came back from work and saw a piece of paper on may car that said "Parking Fine". That was nice of them!
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert ? You get very lumpy ice cream !
Golfer Adam Scott's wife had a baby today It was a cesarean But he didn't make the cut.
Hey Facebook, I really don't care that somebody commented on a post that I commented on seven days ago.
What did the Roman say when the Greek accused him of stealing his gods? It was all a myth-take!
Why aren't Jewish people into rap? They can't drop dimes
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week. Me: These are my clothes.
BREAKING NEWS: Overworked Janitor Sweeps the Nation.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he's allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
All work and no play... .... makes Abraham Lincoln a full term president. Im going to hell.
I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't curse... god damn it - I left my cigarettes at the bar!!
People that are stoned shouldn't throw glass houses.
Honestly some folk will take offense at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning at the Bus Stop. All I asked was "How you getting on?"
How did Hitler like his orange juice? Concentrated.
I got athlete's foot... I don't even work out, so I was flattered.
How many redditors does it take to post a joke to /r/Jokes? Three. One to post it, another to post a better punchline in the comment section, and another to repost it with the new punchline.
Two antennas met on a roof and got married. The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
Are you today's date? because you're an 11/10 (:
I haven't seen a Brazilian as bad as Fred since Stevie Wonder shaved his wife's pussy.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?! Him: "Nothing. I'm good." WHEN DO WE WANT IT? "Seriously, knock it off." I GOT A NEW BULLHORN! "I can see that..
You are now breathing manually. Your welcome :) That's one of the best ways to get at someone over the internet.
Me: What's one thing you don't like about your girlfriend? Him: She doesn't swallow. Me: What? How does she eat?
I walked up to a windmill and said, "What do you think of this, you spin really fast and I'll fly a kite from the wind you make?" "...I'm not a big fan."
Bro Transformers are real! Haven't you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.
What do you call a terrorist holding an AK47 to your head? Sir.
I wish I would be poor for a day Instead of every day of the year
Rectangle? It nearly KILLEDtangle. ...I could totally write for kids' shows.
What did Gordon Ramsey shout angrily at his girlfriend? "IT'S ALL PINK IN THE MIDDLE"
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m COP: You don't need an alibi, you're not a suspect ME: I know, I'm just telling everyone
When is the Joker not plotting a murder? When he is riding his Harley.
Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn has gotten off pretty lucky... The last German who tried to gas that many people had to commit suicide!
I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society. It's the thought that cunts.
What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands? He brought it to school and said 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'
I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now
Why is 6 afraid of 7... Because 7 is a registered sex offender.
When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
A dirty joke A pig rolled in the mud
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.
I went to an HIV counseling meeting... ... They are a very positive group.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
What did the plate say to the fork? Don't worry, the dinner's on me.
All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.
I just saw my son with his penis in a bag of pistachios. He's fucking nuts.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client's tampon during a bikini wax. I guess she doesn't remember me.
Several people dancing around a pen... What is the movie name? Independence Day
Shouldn't russia have the mos dairy? Cause you know, They have the moscow? Sorry for the cheesy joke :/
Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.
What did the grape say when she let her kids play in the sun to long? I hate raisin kids!
I know... I know where the percentage symbol goes %50 of the time.
I like my bagels like I like my women; lightly toasted with sesame seeds and a little butter. I don't understand this joke format.
My finger became really swollen after I jammed it Friday. And thats how I found out Im allergic to jam.
How much jizz does a gay dude have? A buttload
"The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole's Law."
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!
Her: I love you. Me: I love YouTube.
What do you call a military base that has quadrupled in size? Four-tified
A homely man is walking down the street... When a stranger sees him. The stranger exclaims "Boy, are you fucking ugly!" The man turns around and says "Don't talk about my sister that way!"
Out on a blind date. I told her, being funny is the 2nd best way to get a girl into bed. She said "What's the best way?" I said "A big knife" She laughed and said "You're funny" I said "wise choice"
I always click the unfollow button with my middle finger .
My dad wore my mom's clothes and vice-versa. Really didn't want to see them like that. To me, they were trans-parent
(OC) What do you call Helen Keller punching someone? Senseless violence.
why doctorates are better then MBBS, the pee HD
What lights up a football pitch at night? A football match.......
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT'S NOT EXPIRED
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the award? He was out standing in his field.
Claim to fame Celebrities walk on red carpet because they are famous. I walk on toilet paper because I'm the shit!
What is the favorite school topic of Karma Whores? Derivatives
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are 50 cents but deer nuts are under a buck.
A cyclist gets into an accident... As he's wheeled into the hospital, he looks to the bed next to him and sees Bono. His face lights up, and he asks, "U2?"
What's the difference between Here and There? When you're right the whole room shouts "Here, here!" But when you're wrong one person pats you on the back and says "There, there."
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in 3's? No tres passing
I asked Barack Obama if we could get together later, and he said Yes We Can!
Who runs the 100 acre wood website? www.innie the pooh.
Caught my Vegan roommate... Caught my Vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!
T NOW!" What do we want? "MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!" When do we want them? "RIGH
Something happened to me yesterday that will never ever happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
The first guy to clap was really weird "I enjoyed this so I'm going to hit my hand with my other hand to show my appreciation"
would you like to come on our quiz show? you could win 2,000,000? [imagines spending the entire show standing up] "no thanks"
My head needed a pat down at airport & I said "Oh cuz of my extensions!" TSA lady snapped, "Girl, hush. Your weave is between you and God."
[Talking to a giant banana] "Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
One of My Only Actual Original Jokes Why did Johnny jump off the Eiffel Tower? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... He was suicidal.
While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.
What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises...............
What did the male elephant say to his buddy when a female elephant passed by? "Thirty six thousand, twenty four thousand, thirty six thousand, wow!"
What is the difference between being horny and hungry? Where you put the cucumber.
I dented my Ford Focus and now it's blurry.
Comb On! What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Gee, I'll never part with it!
What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a  cold? Coffin medicine.
You'd think atoms bonds would mean they were being friendly to each other... But, they end up stealing each other's electrons. Isn't that ionic?
I was a bit upset that the condom I found in my wallet had expired but at the end of the day I'm just glad my wallet practices safe sex.
Veni, VD, vici I came, I caught, I cankered
Did you hear about the kid who died in the school freezer? Apparently he was "too cool for school".
I wanted to be a banker But then I lost interest.
*i get chased into a dark alley* Please no *two men walk up to me holding a knife* "If you join our insurance you can save up to-" NOOOOOOO
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree? Good hiders, aren't they?
What do you call a picture of Simon Pegg's brother? JPEG
Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.
What do you call a man doing dishes? Single.
My girlfriend said I have a pretty penis... I replied, "I guess you could say its the belle of the balls" hopefully you guys enjoy this joke more than she did.
An English Joke What happens to Santa when he gets addicted to heroin? He becomes a dependent clause
Why does Dr Pepper come in a can? Because his wife left him.
What do you get when someone sexts you? Naughtyfications
They told me that finishing last in the marathon is nothing to be ashamed of. Its completing the event that's important. Nevertheless, that didn't make my gangbang experience any better.
After an attempted mugging a few months ago I decided to start carrying a knife... now my muggings are a lot more successful
What's it like paying a dude for sex? It's a pain in the ass.
What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
I'm still waiting for the day my patents will say: "It's all fake son, we're millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of  the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.
How many prepubescent teen boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? He said "screw" lolol
Why can't a blonde count to 70? Cause 69 is mouth full.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Why do rednecks like Halloween? Because they can Pump-Kin
the divorce rate for socks is 100%
Two parrots sat on a perch one turns to the other and asks, 'Can you smell fish?'
it's just so crazy to think that kids born in 14 will be turning 2000 this year
Why Aren't SJW's Allowed In The Military? They are too trigger-happy.
What does Hitler and Barney Stinson have in common? They are both legend... wait for it ...aryan
"millennials are idiots" - the generation that made a millionaire out of the creator of the pet rock
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry Potter escaped the chamber.
I recently went to Israel The showers and trains didn't work.
How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist? Gingerly.
Why did Lucy fall off the swing? Jimmy pushed her... Which is a shame because she was getting used to swinging without arms.
There are 60 cities in China with populations over 1 million. SIXTY. All they do is fuck.
Kwanzaa and Festivus were both made up in 1966. One is a joke holiday that no one should take seriously. The other was featured on Seinfeld. hat tip to u/AudibleNod
How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house? Your homework is done and your computer is upgraded, but two hours later he is still trying to back out of your driveway.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[Dirty] What is the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry escaped the chamber.
Ah, water. Giver of life. Destroyer of witches. Improver of tee shirt contests.
What did one volcano call the other volcano? An Ash-hole.
I decided to start growing a beard. I didn't like it at first but it's starting to grow on me.
My friend once told me Never start a joke you can't finish That's why I haven't committed suicide yet
What do 'Free bird' by Lynyrd Skynyrd and my orgasms have in common? 5 minutes solo. Meh.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium? Na
What did the Scotsman say when he went for another drink? "Hey, where'd my Glascow?"
Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.
Money doesn't buy happiness...
bloke in the pub The other night, this bloke in the pub was telling me he was a big star in the 80's with a song called "stand and deliver". I didn't believe a word he said, but he was adamant
I finally figured out why i look so bad in pictures It's my face
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she's a victim of Rachel profiling.
Why can the Cornish always lend a hand? They probably have a spare.
I was driving along the other day when suddenly a deer ran out. I have no idea how it got in my car in the first place.
Why did the SpaceX rocket explode? because I don't love you anymore.
What do you call a black prince? A british tank you racist.
How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb None, because change can only come from a revolution of the working classes.
i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead
What's Hitlers most hated candy? Jewb jewbs
Forgive me, for I have sinned. Same time tomorrow?
What do you call a road that doesn't care about anyone? A psycho-path.
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club People are dying to get in
remember when everyone was worried we'd reached "peak TV" with too much to watch then it turned out we're a tragic nation of unending racism
What do you call a person who likes white rice, and not brown rice? A ricest.
Guy: Why does everyone call you "Gross Gary"? Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My eyes are brown with tiny flecks of narcissism.
How can you tell if Lady Gaga is dead? Po-po-po-po-po-po-poke-her-face
More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
I recently sold my vacuum It just sucked
I bought a My Little Pony T-shirt the other day. Because sometimes I just don't want anyone to approach me for any reason at all.
What is the famous martial art of Israel? Jiu-Jitsu
That's a nice sham you've got there... It'd be a shame if somebody added an e
What's the difference between a golf ball and a Ford? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was the dog said nothing.
Why do programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 25 DEC = 31 OCT.
What does a meditating cow say? .ooOOOMMMMOOOOOooooo........
I meet James Bond at my university. After some greetings, I ask him: "Whats your GPA?" James answers: "4 2.4."
Q: Where do cows go on Friday nights? A: To the moovies.
""When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. Remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.""
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: "I see dreadful people."
Her; My phones dead let me use yours Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home
[INT. STARBUCKS - DAY] Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom Barista: ? Me: A large rat Barista: ? Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Three guys walk into a bar... You think the third guy would have learned to duck.
I love buying cardboard boxes online. You always get one more than you pay for.
Cyber sex is not as easy as it looks. I should have picked a less crowded Starbucks.
how do you think the unthinkable? with an ithberg!
[a guy tries to stab me] "at least buy me dinner first"
How many potatoes does it take to kill am Irishman? Zero.
I was having trouble understanding the importance of the computer mouse... And then it clicked.
what's the difference between peanut butter and jam you cant peanut butter your way in someones ass
A Jewish kid asks his dad... A Jewish kid asks his dad one day, "Dad, I need five dollars." His father replies, "Four dollars? What the hell do you need three dollars for?!"
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The head nurse.
Why did the little black kid start crying when he had diarrhea? He thought he was melting.
What do you yell at a Muslim striptease? "Show me your nose!"
I'd tell you a joke about a ghost boomerang.. But I don't want it to come back to haunt me.
How do you organize a space party? You Planet
Why did the Koala Bear get a job? He was Koalified
What did the feminist say in her intro to computer programming course? I hate this class, it keeps objectifying me!
I bet Spider-Man's roommates always blame him for all the cobwebs in the apartment.
Not in a hurry - Alcoholism Is A Slow Death! - And we are not in a hurry!
I like to refer to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine as... ..."Keeping up with the Cardassians" -&amp;y
I call bullshit on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.
You know what they say when you gamble with Chinese food, you dim sum, you lose some.
Accidentally picked up two traffic cones instead of my children again
A termite walks into a bar He says, "is the bar tender here?"
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye But I had to break it off because she was seeing someone on the side.
The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don't have to run very fast or very far.
I met up with my ex-fiance today and immediately began having sex The police did not take it well as I was only asked to identify the body.
Stablehand: Wanna hear a funny joke? Horse: Neigh!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car? Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I've looked.
How do you know if a chick used a vibrator while she was pregnant? The kid stutters
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said "I don't think this is going anywhere."
Why did North Korea tell South Korea not to crow about the recent agreement? Because they'd rather see them raven. Obligatory apology: saw a headline and couldn't resist.
I've always wanted to be in a circle jerk, but nobody else was interested... So I started cloning myself, and now I've come full circle!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn't he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
A giraffes' tongue is 18 inches long. Good thing it's not 12 inches long. Otherwise, it would be a foot.
Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.
Someone refine this joke if it's needed. Ay girl, I heard you like wearing food. Do you know where I can get jalapeno panties?
What do you call a woman that raps about woman's rights? Feminem
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake...
My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night. Awkward.
So hoola hoops are a thing again... I figured they'd swing in to style again eventually!
I had this great joke about Thor... but thinking about it now, it's actually really low key.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, "WAIT, THERE'S DONUTS?" and I say, "Sorry, last one!" and then eat it.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Need to know ASAP.
She threw me out after discovering I had no cooked bread... She is lack-toast intolerant.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you're left with the last idiot standing.
How do we know burgers love young people? They're pro-teen!
What is the difference between Windows and the US Goverment? There is none. All of us hope that the next version will be more stable.
So a Saudi guy says to his American friend, "In my country women can't drive". The American says, "I'm not surprised. They can't drive in my country either."
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me ME: I like you ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
There was a sign out at the whore house today... It read "Temporarily closed for lunch; Beat it"
Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left?" She's secretly a NASCAR fan.
It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.
Tom Cruise starts a cooking show... "Whisky Business." Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right? Right?
How do you say brassiere in German? Keepemfromfloppin
Why did North Korea lose Internet? Because they switched to Comcast.
why are archaeologists so proud of their study? their work is always groundbreaking
"Removing my make up" Or how I like to call it: "Reset face to factory settings"
My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.
What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman? To one you say, "Hey you, get off my cloud!" The other: "Hey McLoed, get off my ewe!"
I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food? SEIZURE SALAD. I peed
Someone asked me if I like fish balls. I don't know, I've never attended one.
I have to say the best part about being over 30 is how short and easy hangovers get. Haha, kidding, it's 7PM and I'm actively hoping to die.
What's the difference between starlings and swallows? Your mum doesn't starlings.
Chuck Norris once went through the Wendy's drive thru and ordered a Big Mac .......and got one.
"Honey, I think I lost weight!" "Get on the scale, I bet you'll find it."
If guns don't kill people, people kill people, Then it must also be true that toasters don't toast toast. Toast toast toast.
Did you hear about the Italian that wanted to cheat the Broadway award voting? He wanted to rig a Tony.
In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up Half to life.
Why didn't the fiddler have to pay for anything? Because it was all on the house
Pirate walks in a bar with his ship's steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender asks do you know that's in your pants? Arrr yes. It's drivin me nuts!
Did you hear about Bill Cosby's latest victim? She was found 6 pills under
Young woman... There was a young lady from Exeter, So lovely the men all craned their necks at 'er. But only one was so brave as to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er.
How did Copernicus become the first Polish astronomer? He was the first one in the country to look up.
[driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]
I heard dhiarrea is hereditary It runs in your jeans.
Why is 17 called the "mother-in-law" in black jack? Because you wanna hit it, but sometimes you cant.
Recently historians revealed Hitler had a "micropenis"... No wonder he hated black guys
You are dark and handsome; When it's dark,you are handsome.
What drug can Donald Trump not live without? Xanax, for Hispanic attacks.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? one less drunk
If 4/20 is national weed day whats 4/21? National surprise drug test day! Happy 4/20 everyone! :)
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Q: What's the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike? A: The place they are aiming at.
What do you call a hapoy frog? Hoppy
A man with a marine biology fetish comes back from vacation. His friends greet him with a warm whale cum.
How did the snowman get happy? The snowblower came around
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Doctor: "You have a hip injury." Me: "I am very trendy."
Apparently the same firm rents buildings to both ISIS and Neo-Nazis. You could say they're the lessor of two evils.
If I had an ice cream truck, it would turn into a regular truck in about a half hour.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes.
after decades of advertising, all we want is to feel authentic desire
Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.
"How did the blind girl explain her pregnancy?" She said she didn't see him coming
A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar... The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."
Is it safe to visit the forests of Germany? I heard there could be a baum.
But how come Tarzan didn't have a beard?
I don't know why people say building a wall doesn't work The chinese did it 2000 years ago and they still don't have any mexicans.
What do you call a white, poofy space alien? Martianmallow.
Where do sad Ukrainians go? Crimea River.
I was asked what I would give the man who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
What was the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit? Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?
A scientist and an engineer walk into a bar... The scientist says "I'll have some H2O." The engineer says "I'll have H2O, too." The engineer dies.
My mother asked me to clean the dishes... "Ah." I replied, "The reason you decided to have children; it's becoming apparent." Also, ITT: God-tier puns.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Colin ! Colin who ? Colin all cars Colin all cars !
The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick. I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.
Your tattoo says "only god can judge me" yet here i am....
I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free, you racist.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
i like when people call cheap liquor "rot gut", implying that more expensive liquors wont also ravage their guts with harsh chemical solvent
What do you call a chicken you own? A personal fowl
when you post a tweet so good you have to do a bunch of push-ups & your mom bangs on your door & tells you to stop breathing so loud
Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea? It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.
A blind man walks into a bar.
What has 100 legs but can't walk? 50 pairs of pants.
How can you recognise a blind man among a crowd of nudists? It's not hard...
What do you call a mentally handicapped lion? a leotard ~
There are 10 kinds of people... Those who understand binary code, And those who don't.
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
HILARIOUS: 5 ways in which parents put us through tortures during our childhood!
They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
What does a Mexican say to piss you off? "You are now Manuelly breathing."
The name Pavlov Rings a bell
Just saw a woman talking on a pay phone. It was so disorienting that for a moment I thought I had been transported to 1990.
Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.
Did you hear about the Patriots? I personally think it's all overblown.
What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman? Pls help.
A blonde walks into a library... ba dum tss thank you, thank you
I love engaging with brands on the Internet!
My dad once told me this one If you walk into the bathroom an American and come out of the bathroom an American, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European :^)
How do you tell if someone is opposed to GMOs? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
ISIS is stuck between Iraq and a hard place.
What do you call two Mexicans on the back of a firetruck? Jose and Hose B
Why dose the navy use liquid soap? Because it takes longer to pick up.
Why can't T-rex's clap? Cause they're dead.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald's pick up an appropriate amount of napkins - you're cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If she says "well you're too busy to chat so have a good day" ..what she means is she hopes it's a good day for your hair to catch on fire.
Imagine if Frodo was all "Sauron's bad, but Gandalf's done some morally gray stuff, too, so I'll stay home." Don't get eaten by orcs. Vote.
*puts a DVD of 'Frozen' and a DVD of 'Dante's Peak' into the same DVD player* *'Waterworld' starts playing*
I cheated on my girlfriend once We were playing monopoly and while she wasn't looking I took some of her money. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.
You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation... Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.
Deep in the jungles of Vietnam... ...you don't know what's friend and what's pho
What do you call a frog in the no parking zone? Toad
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Doorbell repairman."
What do you call a black woman with 8 abortions? A crime fighter.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.
What is the job of a gentleman pimp? To Tally-hos!
Only true feminists will get this Offended
a kiss makes your day, but anal sex maks your hole weak
Why does the Philippines ban rectal thermometers? They cause too much brain damage.
She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.
If money can't buy happiness, explain ice cream. You can't.
Did you hear about the redneck woman's husband who killed her father and her brother? Supposedly she didn't even know he was suicidal
When it comes to sex I'm a bit of a romantic... I only masturbate to the thought of fucking girls in the missionary position.
Be careful people,there are a lot of scams on the internet For 19.99 I can show you how to avoid them
Did you hear about the butterfly that ate too many stones? ... he shat-a-pillar.
I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won't stop crying because I don't use them.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you're brave enough.
A politician in an ancient civilization... He'll only just babble on.
He drank the entire bottle of olive oil? Olive it.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny
Me: So tired Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet... M: Please don't B: N how do we know it's not actually disorganized?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Pluto Its Self Ex-Planetary
Lets get freaky. I mean really Freaky. Like I can't look you in the eye for two days kinda freaky.
I planted some flowers, but they never grew. Should have seen it coming. The package did warn that they were pansies.
Doesn't the president pardon a Turkish jet every thanksgiving?
What is black Jesus' favorite fruit? Wine-er-melon
o yeah u love women??? name their last three albums. thought so. u don't listen to women
What's worse than spiders on your piano? Crabs on your organ
When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.
Does Batman make this look bad? [http://i.imgur.com/aNurRdN.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/aNurRdN.jpg) I personally think it's funny, but it is pretty fucked up.
Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in  a light bulb? A: Only one but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to reheat the leftover turkey from last night's NYE dinner. I told her I quit hot food, cold turkey
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers in the winter time? To keep Hillary's chin warm!
When I was a kid I could go to a corner store with a $1 and get 2 cokes, 1 kitkat and a gum Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger Me: Like a sledgehammer? T: No. More like breathing- M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
What do you call someone who dyes their hair red? Trans-ginger
Girl told me she worked with special needs students. I asked her "you workin hard? Or tardly workin?". She got mad.
If Al Gore started a math rock band it should be called Algorhythm
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming "I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!"
What do Mexican and Black people have in common? Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo". I shouldn't laugh right?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum
"where did all ur money go?" I'm either wearing it or i ate it
What's the difference between In-n-Out Burger french fries and League of Legends? I can control my salt intake at In-n-out.
The FBI announce Hillary's indictment on April Fools
What do you can an epileptic What do you call an epileptic in a garden? Seizure salad. edit: fixed the word 'call'
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Nobody understands how hard it is for a smooth lover like me... It's tough to find a new lover whenever my girlfriend gets her first pubes.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies. Under Obama we had 1. Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Why is today John Philip Sousa Day? Because he told everyone to march fourth.
What's more impressive than the talking dragon? A spelling bee. Credit goes to a cheesestick wrapper!
The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE! (What's that, honey? Be right there.)
I was proud and surprised when my wife gave birth... But deep down, I knew she had it in her.
Which state has the highest suicide rate ? The Islamic State.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Is it okay to use everyday objects for anal stimulation? I'm sitting on the fence.
Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone! Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don't you have work to do?
why do ghosts like elevators? it lifts their spirits
OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance? Its been 16hrs.. I didn't wanna make a fuss.
How can you tell two people are married? Both are yelling at the same kid.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns.. But I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What did Ryu say to Ken? HOWAREYOUKEN?!
It's my mate's birthday today. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We've got no idea how to celebrate it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Let me know when you're off your Man-Period!!!
Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!
Where do safari animals buy their groceries? From the supermeerkat
AT&amp;T and T-Mobile are getting married! There will be no reception.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
Ronda Rousey and I have something in common We both finish in 34 seconds.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman. 4yo: Who's Aquaman? Me: EXACTLY!
Sometimes I wear a tinfoil hat. I'm not one of those wackjobs, it just makes being in the microwave more interesting.
Hey I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is
Do you remember that time you met Bill Cosby? No? Add another one to the list!
Did you hear about the lady lawyer who went to her gynecologist? The gynecologist said, " Let's use this device to spread your vagina." The lawyer shouts, "I object! Calls for speculation!" I'll go...
If Socrates had been a woman, he would've said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
How many babies does it take to change a light bulb? None. Babies don't have the motor skills or the depth perception to change a light bulb.
They should have cast Daniel Craig in the 50 Shades of Gray movie They could have named his character James Bondage
so m'lady walks into a bar ouch.
What are Super Mario &amp; Luigi's overalls made of? Denim-denim-denim... denim-denim-denim.
Everyone's like "the things I want for Christmas can't be bought." And I'm like "Legos. I want legos."
Have you heard the watermelon joke? It's pitiful.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears.
What drinking game can you play with some Mormon buddies Drink every time r/funny is actually funny
Apparently if someone has a seizure in the bathtub, its in bad taste to throw your laundry in .. yep. Going to hell right here.
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies
You laugh at the burrito in my purse, until you get hungry.
A midget psychic escaped prison today... Authorities claim there's a small medium at large.
My humor is so black... ...That all my jokes are stolen
TIL that constipation is hereditary. My dad never gave a shit.
My girlfriend left me for telling too many bad jokes... I guess her love was pun-conditional.
OLD SPICE: BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SMELL LIKE VICTORIA BECKHAM
what do u call a native guy with one leg not even
Good Answer A white couple gets a black child. Angry husband asks- You white, Me white. Why is baby black? Wife- You hot, Me hot. Baby burnt!
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
What did one casket say to the other? What did one casket say to the other casket?...Is that you coffin...
Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired... I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting screwed...
A German got pulled over by the police in France. Police officer: "Name?" German: "Heinrich Klimt" Police officer: "Age?" German: "31" Police officer: "occupation?" German: "No, no. Just visiting"
What do you get when you cross my mom and my dad? I don't know but my dad said it was a mistake :D
Good news: I recently discovered I was interested in Necrophilia. Bad news: I'm a submissive bottom.
What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire? Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one
Why does Kim Jong Un love books Because he's the glorious Reader
I was catfished once For thirty years Pluto had me convinced he was a planet...
Dr. Dre is coming out with celebrity themed Beats headsets. The first one is Chris Brown Beats Rihanna, it is black and blue colored.
What did the lady archaeologist say I have a "bone" to pick with you
Babies are like Polaroid pictures. They develop quicker when you shake them.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
I asked my friend with an extra chromosome if he wanted to hang out... He said he was down
What do you call a midget fortune teller that just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
I'm writing a book on how to be sneaky... ...It's a lurk in progress.
To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn't tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It's on!!
Had to have "the sex talk" with my daughter, she was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers & donkey punches
girl: brrrr it's cold haha me: you... you want my kimono?
"Alexander's not so Great" - younger brother, Steve the Ok
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
what's the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles, because there is a mile between each s.
What came first the chicken or the egg? actually i came first... inside the chicken.
My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman
Did you hear about the bear attack at that Chinese Zoo? It was Pandemonium.
FIFA just got caught taking bribes for the 2010 World Cup. What a kick in the balls.
Why did the bean sell his car? The back seat didn't have enough legume.
"Please. Make yourself at home." *Brings cat and litter box inside* *Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*
How did we build a tunnel to china? A jew found a dollar in a hole.
Bioluminescent fry said to have a bright future
I slept with a Blind Girl She kept telling me how huge my cock was but I'm pretty sure she was just pulling my leg.
My other palindrome is a kayak. - racecar bumper sticker
What do you call a Pixar film about Carpets? A Rug's Life.
What's Irish and sits by the pool? Paddy O'Furniture
WE'RE HERE. WE'RE QUEER. YOU'RE THE MAILMAN. I'M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I'LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
What color were eyes of the Astronaut on the Challenger when it exploded? Blue. One blue this way &lt;---- and the other blue that way -----&gt;
My wife said I'm picky. I said obviously not picky enough. Anyone need a roommate tonight?
Why did the feminist get fired from Subway? Because she refused to make a sandwich
whats the difference between a girl and a bus? "What's the difference between a girl And a bus" "What?" "As more people that go in the bus the tighter it gets"
How do you know if you are drowning in milk? If it's pasturize
My doctor asked me what I use to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases. . . I said: my face.
People say I'm condescending... That means I talk down to people.
What do call an epileptic person in a cabbage patch? Caeser salad.
Half Life 3 lol
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
A recent study found out that 9 out of every 11 jobs are done inside
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nun. But really, its easier to rape little boys in the dark.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? A brick to the back of his head should do it.
I was roasting meat and accidentally stabbed myself with a meat thermometer and blood is gushing out. I'm done.
Did you hear about the magician who could create things out of thin air? They contacted him to give him a TV show, but once they found out he was a fake, it never materialized.
"You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus #GoodFriday
I hope my children have crippling OCD because free housekeeping would be sweet.
What did hitler say on his cake day? YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN USING THE OVENS FOR THE FINAL SOLUTION!
Why did the Space Marine shoot the Tailor? The heretic kept crossing the warp
How do teachers teach safe sex in the south? put a hood on your klan member
What kind of photos do turtles take? Shellfies
I went to the local swimming pool today... And I asked the receptionist, "How much for 2 children?" She replied, "$9.50." "Awesome!" I said. "Do I get to choose or is it a lucky dip?"
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
What's the difference between Bono and Jesus? Jesus didn't walk around Dublin acting like he's Bono.
Police - OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.
What do you call two crows on a fence? Attempted murder.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alice ! Alice who ? Alice N. Tew if you'll listen to me !
What do you call a midget fortune teller running from the police? A small medium at large.
Bill Clinton jokes never get old What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex? "I'll be home in 20 minutes."
I always wanted to try juggling... I just never had the balls to.
Why should you never ask people with Down Syndrome to use a printer? They always make an extra copy
What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar salad.
Guess why Because.
I don't like the term "substance abuse" I prefer "teaching substance a lesson"
If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
Donald Trump's first act in office will probably be to illegalize all shredded cheese. He will Make America Grate Again.
What's another term for a prodigal farmer? Someone who is outstanding in his field.
Why don't black cops shoot unarmed white kids? Because they'd get in trouble.
Sure, I'll cook dinner. How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
What do you call a sandstorm that won't go away? Da rude sandstorm
What's the best part of having sex with a transsexual? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
I got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like... this gun is magic!!!
What did the lazy suspect say to the court? I haven't done anything to warrant a rest.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
What did the straight edge ghost say to the bartender? No boos for me.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend flossing... The fifth is out killing lions.
What do ovens and oranges have in common? Jews ^^^^^get ^^^^^it? ^^^^^orange ^^^^^jews? ^^^^^I'll ^^^^^show ^^^^^myself ^^^^^out ^^^^^now
I'd like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
With Hanukkah upon us, how does a Jewish man prepare his tea? Hebrews it.
Why couldn't the pig pay his bill? He was a little shoat.
Buying Muhammed dolls for charity, all prophets go to kids in need.
What does Salvador Dali eat for breakfast? surreal
Only a fraction of you will understand That there is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Took from a facebook page
On a walk, my son saw a pay phone asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.
I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.
A MAN IS WALKING BY A TRASHCAN AND SMELLS SOMETHING BAD He was relaxed to find it was just an indian
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Lost and confused in an helicopter
TBT - What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver? One turns in screws, one screws interns.
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead Ant, Dead Ant....Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant...
Looking for jokes about Boy Bands!!! Hosting a sing-a-long drink-a-long and need some jokes with boy bands as a theme. Please help!
Some of you are giving nihilistic pessimism a bad name... And I don't care for it.
What do you call a redditor in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
Programmer goes shopping His wife says "get me a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen" He comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do? Find the nearest skyscraper.
Look guys i thought a gangbang was where we all played drums together, i don't want any part of whatever's happening here
Alcohol is never the answer...... Unless the question is, "What is C2H5OH?"
Why are ET's eyes so big? He got the phone bill
Why can you trust a coffee roaster? Because he never spills the beans :-)
I named my dog Syndrome So every time he jumps on people I can shout: "Down Syndrome!"
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader? Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.
What do you call someone who worships balls? Sack-religious.
What did the busy tailor say to the Scarecrow who needed some mending? I can't find the twine.
They say Titanic was shot in a swimming pool. So was The Great Gatsby.
Why was the priest afraid of trigonometry? cos sin
Today I was stabbed by a comedian You could say he had me in stitches.
A man walks into a bar... Ouch
I shot a black man the other day. Now I'm being charged for impersonating a police officer.
A baby seal walks into a club...
Your future.
Apparently, changing your profile to "Flirty, dirty and a little squirty" gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My wife asked me to play doctor with her... ...she is now waiting for three hours in front of the bedroom.
A pirate walks into a bar ... ... and the bird on his shoulder is saying "Pieces of Nine. Pieces of Nine". It was a parroty error.
Teacher And Student Teacher: who's the big person, you or your dad? Kid: me of course. Teacher: why. Kid: I stopped drinking milk from my mom, dad hasn't.
I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.
Did you hear about the robot that was angrier than half of the other robots? It was in mean median mode.
What kind of dog did Jesus own a holy shih-tzu
If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day. Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
What is the difference between a teacher and a train? The teacher says, " SPIT OUT THAT GUM!" but a train says, " CHOO CHOO"
What started feminism? An unlocked kitchen door.
Congratulations to Steve Jobs for being cancer free for 1 year!
When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn't herpes .
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well... I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Have you seen my cat? I saw a poster today, somebody was asking "Have you seen my cat?" So I called the number and said that I hadn't . I like to help where I can.
I have never understood why living in the poor part of town... ...makes your skin darker.
What letter never satisfies it's wife? The quick E
"You are terrible at metaphors." "Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you."
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in you ass.
England's gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
What do gays and Donald Trump have in common? They're fucking assholes.
Who invented rhetorical questions? How should I know?
I remember 2014 like it was yesterday.
I play the triangle in my local reggae band I just stand at the back and ting.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? [Jimmy Carr Jokes](http://thatswhatwedo.iobad.com/post/859629085/jimmy-carr-jokes)
Hilary Clinton is trying to appear more normal by using the subway... ..., but Bernie Sanders claims she only uses it one tenth of one percent as much as he does.
One day I'm gonna go to work without my glasses and they're gonna be like, "Who's that hottie?" and I'm gonna be like, "WHO IS SAYING THAT?"
Why won't the honeydew marry the watermelon? Because they cantaloupe..
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella everywhere he goes? Fo' Drizzle!
You guys stole those words from the dictionary.
A baby boy was born last week with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to graft eyelids. The poor kid is now cockeyed.
Tim &amp; Jim went had coffee They both ordered hot coffee and after a while, Jim yelled "OMFG ! Drink fast before it cools !". Tim asked why and Jim said "Hot coffee is $10 and Cold is $50."
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t.
ababbaaaabbabbbbabababababbbaaabababbabaaaba ....long time no C
What's Hitler's favorite music genre? Reich and Roll
Sex can burn 200 calories an hour. I better go on a diet.
If two vegans have an argument... is it still considered beef?
The truth about cardiovascular health!
If the dove is the bird of peace what is the  bird of true love? The swallow.
What did the clam with a lisp say to his greedy friend? You're so shelfish!
I love being a pessimist. I'm either always right or pleasantly surprised.
Do you want to hear a trick to get a head in life? Murder
What do you call an evil physicist? Sinner of Gravity
Doctor Doctor I feel like an apple. We must get to the core of this!
What do you call four Mexicans stuck in quicksand? quattro sink-o
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit Me: Are you sure about that? *gives him a handful of Cheez-Its* Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Wizard: Give me a burger Waiter: what's the magic word? Wizard: Abracadabra Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
What kind of cake did Noah enjoy? Mabul cake.
I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I'm basically the Dexter of discrimination.
Why do so many Asians wear glasses? All that squinting gives them astigmatism
I'd tell a joke about Jonestown, But the punch line is too long...
If you read stressed backward it's desserts...coincidence? :)
How often do you find a eunuch in Westeros? It Varys (   )
Jimmy Savile wasn't all bad; He had a profound and lasting impact on music... Backstage at Top of the Pops, it was him who introduced Cream to Small Faces
What do women call men under 6 inches? Friends.
If I could have back all the money I've spent on drugs and alcohol, I'd celebrate by buying more drugs and alcohol.
I still can't get over the news about the marathon.. Even though it happened more than 20 years ago, I'll never get used to calling it Snickers.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If Chef Boyardee was a dictator what would he name his secret police? Gazpacho
I bought a Delorean R/C car today. I accidentally ran it at full speed. I guess I'll have to wait about 10 years to get it back.
Wanna hear a good joke? Woman's rights
Why didn't Ahmadinejad have a beer? He wasn't in the MahMoud.
What's a nuns favorite day of the week? Sununday.
Condoms are like rules... ...they're made to be be broken.
Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth... it's called "talking"
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
I'm ambivalent about Mongolian literature. It has its prose and Khans.
What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep
Life is a suicide mission.
People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference. Hitler was good at making speeches
Imitation is... While imitation may be the highest form of flattery, I prefer the verbal kind. I also accept cash.
What is the definition of a will? C'mon. It's a dead giveaway.
How do you make a hormone? Kick her between the legs
I'm saving up my money for a sex change operation... ...and I don't care how much my wife protests it. I wanted a boy, dammit.
Which character in Game of Thrones do I envy the most? Some bloke named Winter. Managed to go 4 years without cumming.
My wife found a spot between her boobs this morning. The doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button
Why should you not trust atoms? They make up everything.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
I need help, my wife was killed in a hit and run.. Why would someone drive through the kitchen?
I just saw a car with a big "S" on it... Look at the "S" car go !
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
wife: know what today is? me: yep wife: on 2 together: 1, 2 wife: Happy Anniver.. me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL.. wife:..sary me: wife: me: ..Santa
There are two ways of arguing with a woman And neither one works.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Why did the cross the road? To ge to the gay kids house. Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.
If you ever feel like a third wheel, just stop.... You are not a third wheel. You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.
Saw an attractive Muslim girl the other day.... "Was she sunni?" "Nah, shi-ite"
What did the driver say to the one-legged hitchhiker? Hop in.
Dustin Diamond aka 'Screech' arrested for bar stabbing... Will he be, '"Saved by the Bail"?
A zombie opened his frig for a snack. He looked at a human brain, but threw it away... ... it was expired.
Lmao at people who 'play Devil's advocate' like Lucifer doesn't already own all the lawyers.
Healthy cereal feels a lot like dressy sweatpants.
I bought some "no more tears" baby shampoo But I'm still not over her :(
Why is there no such thing as a great golfer? The best ones are consistently sub-par.
What happens to all Vertibird pilots? They Fallout
[Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."
Who was the widest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference, he ate too much pi
Religion is like stuffing dollar after dollar into a broken Coke machine and having faith that some day it will work for you.
Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books  and showered.
My wife called me a pedophile... I said "that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old"
Did you hear about the terrorist attack in France last night? The police say the guy was not motivated, but other than that, all they know is that he wasn't very Nice
I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Whilst having an argument with my wife about housework, she asked me to look at it from a woman's point of view ... So I looked out the kitchen window.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Help I lost my coat! I hope someone didn't jacket!
What do you call an incestuous nephew? An aunt-eater.
I've been friends with my recliner the longest. We go way back.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
kids r so cute!!! they dont wanna sleep becuase theyre afraid of having nightmares whereas adults cant wait to sleep so they can escape them
Photographers are the worst! They frame you, then shoot you, then hang you on the wall.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I'd like to see Batman and Robin fight crime in places that need it the most. "Hey Batman!" "Yeah, Robin?" "Didn't we park the Batmobile here?"
There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology... Scorpios
I'm writing a book about introverts. It's not coming out any time soon.
Life is like a box of chocolates It sucks if you have diabetes
Do you know what a girl says, if she sees a big dick? Well. I do.
I'm gonna have a secret lair that consists of toilets and sinks. It'll be called "John Sinclair's john and sink lair"
So someone called me a dick... So it got me thinking, yeah it checks out; roommates are a couple of nuts, neighbor's an asshole, and my friend is kind of a cunt.
This is by far the most pointless Tweet ever.
What Do You Call A Story About A Broken Pencil? Pointless
How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
A thing I learned at this week's staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
What would happen if black widow spiders were as big as horses? If one bit you, you could ride it to the hospital.
Why did the bad comedian visit the dominatrix? Because he was a sucker for Pun-ishment.
What is a Jawa's favorite food? Poutini!
What do you call a spanish speaking Coffee Translatte.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
MEN 'N' LIGHTBULBS How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, men will screw anything.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? None, they don't change light bulbs, they accept them the way they are.
I make so many dad jokes... I probably have a lot of bastard children I don't know about
My toilet stopped working today. He decided he's had enough of my shit
Why are gluten-free children so healthy? Because they're not inbred.
People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called? Germans
Why you shouldn't masturbate Dad: Son, you shouldn't masturbate otherwise you'll go blind. Son: Dad, I'm over here...
How many vegan people does it take to change a lightbulb? One vegan, I am vegan, it was me - the vegan, I was the only vegan, it was me.
A woman had a dog with no legs. She took it out for a drag every morning.
*texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
why do women enjoy sex more than men A wise man said : "When you have an itchy ears , and then you put your finger in your ear and scartch which one feel better your finger or your ear ?"
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
What did the dentist witness after he gassed the rabbi? **jews laughter** The punchline is more of a visual joke, based upon where the reader places the "s." To my knowledge, this is an original joke.
If we can afford to have armed guard for our money at the banks, surely we can afford to have armed guards for our kids at schools. Where are your priorities people?
I would never cheat on my partner. Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
What do you call a gay vampire? A fruit bat.
["Platonic" male friend rams car through my bedroom wall] I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Who was the best financier in the Bible? Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
I swear to god I'm not harassing you, I'm really out of shape that's just my labored breathing
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Why are black people good at basketball? Because they train hard....
Your momma is so fat She uses "panorama" mode for her selfies.
What do you call a gay in the middle of the ocean? Flambuoyant :)
I was watching some strange porn the other night... ...it had a fat naked guy perched on the end of his bed, crying while he masterbated. Then I realised I hadn't turned the tv on.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new 'I walked to school in the snow without shoes'
It says a lot about someone... It says a lot about someone when they try to prank you by putting aluminum foil in the toilet bowl.  It says even more about you when it works.
My Dad's Joke How do you get herpes of the eye ball? Looking for love in all the wrong places.
A friend showed me a funny steak pun the other day. I must say, steak puns are truly a rare medium well done.
Got a long rambling phone call in spanish.. I don't know who they were, or what they were saying, but im pretty sure they're bringing me tostadas in one hour.
Did you know that the illuminati created golf as a way of harnessing the world's most valuable energy source? Angry old white men.
What is better than getting a N64 on Christmas? Getting a N64 now
The holiday season is coming up. Every year I make my parents something. I make them disappointed.
IAMA casting director for adult movies. I'm looking for women over 35 for my latest film, "MILFNADO". AMA!
The three rules about procrastination. 1. 2.
Build a man a fire, he remains warm for the day But set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life
I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans. I'll call it Farts &amp; Crafts.
What did the cannibal say after he ate a woman in the Coliseum? He's gladiator.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game..? Call B52!!
Dreaming you're peeing can be a very dangerous dream.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
Every "Seinfeld" plot would have been solved by a cellphone.
A woman called me sexist the other day. Silly women, I hate ALL black people equally.
A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently the answer is Chicken. (Edit: Typo)
What do you call two physicians? A paradox
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Comp Sci Joke I'd tell you a joke about TCP but I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.
The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision
A man walks into a Bar.. fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Carrot Top's hair should be green. Either that, or I don't understand the anatomy of a carrot as fully as I think I do.
Chewbacca Twat If Chewbacca had a Twatt would it be considered a Chwat?
What does Mozart put on his front lawn? Metrognomes
Your momma is so fat... Your momma is so fat, her picture wouldn't upload to the Internet.
When I was a kid I made friends with the wrong people. "those aren't people, those are stray dogs" my mom would say as she dressed my wounds
What do you call a mexican midget? A paragraph because he's too short to be an essay!
My daughter just announced she's SICK of stupid-ass people. I said "Oh darlin, you're gonna feel ill for a long time.. they're everywhere."
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I'd find a way to cover blood in cheese.
One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
If you're Russian when you're going to the bathroom, and Finnish when you get out, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European!
A man walked into a musical cheese store and was greeted with the words: "Hello? Is it Brie you're looking for?"
Tired? There's a nap for that
How do you get 20 Jews in a car? Throw a dollar in! How do you get them out? Tell them it's a taxi!
How many angels can a pinhead dance on? To hold up their pants.
Harry was blind. His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.
What did the Nazi say to the Cowboy? Reich for the sky!
what do you do when your dishwasher stops working? slap her
My friend said "What rhymes with orange?" I said "No, it doesn't"
My boss came up to me..... My boss came up to me and told me "don't dress for the job you have but dress for the job you want" so I dressed up as Batman, the bastard said I was fired
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game." Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
My wife has packed her things and left me... My wife has packed her things and left me due to my obsession with glass objects. Frankly, I'm shattered.
Don't go to zombie nightclubs... They're always dead.
What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick
Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend Fair trade if you ask me
A piece of toast and an egg walk in to a bar.... The bartender goes, "Hey! Woah! Nuh uh. We don't service breakfast here!"
Who is the smartest person in the world, doing the silliest thing right now? Apparently, that's you.
Islamist Humor Planes blowin' up On a Tuesday
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet, son".
If I'm ever on life support unplug me Then plug me back in see if that works
I need all zombie jokes you know, Reddit.
Urgent!!!! hey! I'm sending this message via internet explorer so it might be slow... but quick! There is a plane heading for the twin towers! call somebody before it is too
Did you hear about the teacher who was always cross eyed? She struggled to control her pupils.
What did the sunbathing mother say to Michael Jackson as he walked by on the beach? Would you please move? You're in my sun.
Did you hear about the haunted burlesque theater? Things went bump and grind in the night.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
They should make condoms out of bubble wrap. *pop pop* Hee-hee! *pop pop pop* Hee-hee! *pop pop pop* Hee-hee-oh! *pop* That was fun!
Pavlov That name rings a bell...
How did the Manicurist feel after her salon was robbed? Defiled.
Why can't a feminist shoot a gun? They can't handle the triggers.
Q: What do you call a monster snake that works for the government? A: A civil serpent.
Yo mama so fat... When she poops, her shit colides with the water and creates legible gravitional waves through space and time.
A woman, two Hispanics, a black guy, and a white guy all walk into a bar... They then run for the Republican nomination for President
I can't find my lucky sweatpants. Now I'm going to totally bomb this job interview.
I'm thinking about murdering Lorde When the cops ask what I was doing that night, I'll just say I was out shooting Heroine.
I'm an undecided voter. Shoot myself, overdose, or jump off a cliff?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If I had a dime for every time I dug a hole... I'd be in the hole.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body. Who's ready for music? Not you. You have tetanus
Best headline I have ever read "Tball stand pitches perfect game at special olympics"
In which fairy tale does a man kick another man in the balls, only to discover that his victim is actually a woman? Boot in Puss
how much can't could a white girl can't even if a white girl literally could not even.
I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.
Why did helium get into a fight with neon? They can't bond with each other, no matter how hard they try.
Kardashian How many Kardashians does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. They just hold it up because the world revolves around them.
Michael Phelps will be the flag bearer for the 2016 USA Olympic Team I hope he holds our flag high.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Damn
What did the witch say to the ugly toad?  I'd put a curse on you - but somebody beat me to it!
I love breasts! It's the best part of the birds.
"I'm gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can." - Toddlers
I spilled spot-remover on my dog... ...and now he's gone. :(
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.
Why are gay men so well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was an oar deal!
Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women? Because if she can't afford a washer and dryer, she will never be able to support your broke ass...
I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.
More sad news in the music industry today... Kanye west was found alive in his house this morning...
Annual "How to Avoid Array Overflowing" seminar will be held at Febuary'29
What are the three fastest forms of communication? Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.
I laughed in r/funny
So I heard that back in the day Hammurabi was actually Jewish... yea, they actually called him Hammurabbi. ^badum ^tsssssss ^^^please ^^^^don't ^^^^^hurt ^^^^^^me
What do Tempurpedic mattresses and raptors have in common? "They remember"
What's Nigel Farage's favourite Christmas song? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.
A few days ago I wanted to share a sandwich with a homeless person... ...but then he told me to fuck of and that I should buy my own sandwich.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Me: Give me some space, I'm feeling claustrophobic 8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can't
My house was haunted, so I got it exorcised by an expert. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the payment and it got repossessed.
What does a Fire cracker and a duck have in common? They both Quackle!
Why is DJ Khaled so good at music? He loves major keys.
What face does a Syrian make when he has a bad day? Assad one. On a side note, I hope prosperity upon all the Syrians who have been displaced.
Who is the hottest female tennis player among the corns. Anna **Corn**ikova!
What's the difference between a cheeesburger and Reddit gold? A cheeseburger can't feed your ego.
What costs you more the less you spend on it? A divorce lawyer.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ...... Then I thought look who's telling me that.. 
I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree... He said "Sodium Bromate."
Twitter is the new flypaper.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!! - Shorty
If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.
If you wake up tomorrow with Santa jacking off at your bedside, do not be alarmed. He is giving you a white Christmas
I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.
I'd love to give the man who invented Incognito mode a cookie. Sadly it was erased.
Why was the Egyptian boy confused? His daddy was really a mummy.
A study was just conducted to see what the #1 fear in humans is The results came back, and it's cats. But something seems a little off. They've only done testing on mice so far
If Wednesday is hump day... ...is Tuesday foreplay day?
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife? Because he hasn't.
What do Chefs and Murderers have in common? The best ones clean up after themselves
End of the Week by Gladys Friday
What's the difference between Gabe Newell and a toddler? A toddler can count past two...
Knock Knock *Who's there?* 9/11 *9/11 who?* YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, "wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size."
So I neutered my car yesterday "You, what?" Neutered my car "..." It's another word for fixed "I wish I never gave you that thesaurus"
Why did the whale like the  diver? Because he had flippers!
I was gonna tell a pizza joke, but it's too cheesy.
You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons. How ionic.
Where can you dance in California? San Frandisco.
What did one necrophiliac say to the other as they walked by the morgue? "You wanna stop in and suck down a couple of cold ones?"
There was a farmer who had a machine which caculated the angle you sat. He called it his pro-tractor
What kind of car does a pirate drive? Toyota YARis
Who's your friend who likes to play? **JOHN CENA** *DUn DUnDUnDUn DUn DUnDUnDUn.*
My friends and I got so high in Amsterdam that we went to a local store and stole a couple of bags of ice.... We took them down to the canal and released them back into the wild.
I live in upstate New York You know, normally I'd say "Fuck the Weather", but these days, I'm pretty sure it's way under 18.
I'm mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don't tell me how hard your life is
What's grey and comes in gallons? An elephant.
We just had Christmas and now Easter is right around the corner. Hard to believe they crucified Jesus when he was only 4 months old.
How to curse like an Irishman "Whale oil beef hooked!"
If you are under 18 years old please Unfollow me, I have underwear older than you.
What's a cats favorite thing to read? A CATalog
Why did Hitler prefer apples to oranges? He didn't like the juice.
"Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
They say that penis size is directly related to shoe size. Which makes the fear of being raped by a clown that much scarier.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Candace ! Candace who ? Candace with love !
Plumber ditches wife Plumber Ditches his wife. "Its Over-Flo"
A stupid glazier was examining a broken  window. He looked at it for a while and then said "It's worse than I thought. It's broken on both sides."
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night. Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Why do conspiracy theorists have such long beards? Because they don't know how to use Occam's razor
One in every six people on this planet are Chinese. Of my five brothers, I suspect Danny.
My maths teacher told me to draw a square. Instead I drew a circle. He said "That's terrible, go and stand in the corner!" I said "where's that?" *- Tim Vine*
What's the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral? One less drunk.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
What's the NSDAP's favourite kind of Jew? I dunno, ashkenazi!
What do you call a herpes pun? a play on warts
want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
Why aren't iPhone chargers called apple juice?
What kind of breath freshener does George Clinton use? Parlia-mints
What do you call a black girl with braces giving a blowjob Black and Decker pecker wrecker
This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I'm pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.
I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Annetta ! Annetta who ? Annetta joke like that and you're off this bus !
Milkman Today my girlfriend was sexually harassed by a milkman. This really happened
I ran a marathon! 1 mile a day for 26 days boo ya.
Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker's tires while they sleep.
What did the little girl say when opened up a box of Cheerios? Awww, look daddy, doughnut seeds!!!
Do Indian restaurants have any bread? Nah, they have Naan.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
Why did the Smackhead kick the habit? He didn't like nuns.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My sex life is like my personal record for the number of days I've been alive I beat it every day
Breaking News : Fulham have signed Brazil forward Fred to replace the Michael Jackson Statue outside of the ground.
Most people can't drink coffee then go to sleep. I'm just the opposite. . . I can't go to sleep and then drink coffee. God, that was stupid.
"I'm constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance." I just said that.
Im a guy who's into BDSM, necrophilia, and beastiality. Am i just flogging a dead horse?
Did you hear about that geeky trigonometry expert? The only angle lacking in his life was secs.
what do you get when you put a roofie in lemonade? Lemonlaid.
I used to have an imaginary girlfriend but she left me for my best friend. Apparently he had a bigger imagination.
Lone Child My friend showed this joke to me and I had to post it on Reddit "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684? The wrong answer.
Amish Hooker What's an Amish Hooker do? Ten Mennonite! (Mennonite link on the front page made me think of this one.) edit: I accidentally a ")", but I'm getting a kick out of the weird comments. :-)
People who write clickbait headlines for a living: Fuck you.
"My balls have amazing cleavage in the right lighting" is a failed pickup line that has never worked.
How did the sun die? It went to Detroit.
Dirtiest, raunchiest, most racist joke you've got: I'll start - What do you do when you see a half dead native man crawling across your lawn? Stop laughing and reload
A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everybody
I'm not fat Just short for my weight
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone !
What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving? Purolator.
What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I only fly the drone
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
What do you call a boar that sounds like a horse ? Neighbor?
What did the astronaut get on his science project? He received a T minus.
Don't get me started on trigonometry... I'll go on a tangent.
Hey single ladies, you want a boyfriend? Easy! Learn to shut the fuck up and dramatically lower your standards!
What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa getting stuck in their chimney? Claus-trophobic.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
It doesn't matter where you are, an old lady is about to be in your way.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Why can't you hear the pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
I was eating a piece of Gouda... And I was trying to describe it. I didn't want to say it was good because that would've been to cheesy.
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
Why is the suicide rate so low for Puerto Ricans? You can't jump out of a basement apartment.
Why are cats assholes? Because they are what they eat.
So U.S. Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia died today while on a hunting trip... ...he must have gone with Dick Cheney.
"Trump is a good businessman" He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I saw a guy jogging naked outside of my house I asked him why you doing this he said because you came home early
The reason Rhianna stopped working with Chris Brown was because he had awful rhythm... He put too many beats in a measure
Why can't you tell jokes to a Nympho? Because they'll take them too hard.
What's the difference between America and yoghurt? Yoghurt has culture
[Dark Humor]Why is suicide illegal? Destruction of government property.
How does a guy with five dicks wear his pants? Like a glove
A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk' to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill.
Autocorrect: Without it you're fucked. And with it you're ducked.
This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator... This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.
Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator. "18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me."
Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never get to meet.
I have been looking back at history. And Im starting to think, Hitler was the brains but Eva was the braun.
Did you hear about the Iranian who punched a guy at the soccer game? Well, the Shiite hit the fan. Sorry if it's a repost. :p
I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it. What's in the wardrobe? Narnia business.
I just realized... I've been on reddit ALL FUCKING YEAR!
I don't lie. I have, however, invented my own language which uses a lot of the same words as English but with somewhat altered meanings.
how do you reference your local humane society on twitter? "##"
What do you call a happy Russian? Gladimir Putin!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Lost my pet unicorn. If you find it, please share your drugs.
What do you call a silent cow canned beef
You know what they say about people with big feet? They exert less ground pressure. Because their penis is so big it acts like a third leg.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?
11: Dad, what's your spirit animal? Mine's a tiger. Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella? 11: ...
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I likes my liver like I likes my Twitter. Over capacity.
My girlfriend's dad asked me how hard it is being a philosopher. It's quite easy to love your daughter.
LPT: Laminate your index cards when studying. Not only does it prevent smearing, but the teardrops actually roll right off.
Post your favorite Gary Shandling joke. He is dead. He was sometimes really funny. Post your favorite.
[at a wedding] "So, ya come here often?"
My kids outgoing voice mail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."
Doctor, I need help. I have a bowel movement everyday at 7. But that's very health, Mr Johnson. It would be but I don't wake up until 8
How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan.
Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.
Pluto wasn't even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday. His wife is taking it really hard.
Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm a pickup artist. Her: Pig! [leaves] Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
On this new diet where I eat carbs and then more carbs and then the carbs cross each other out.
I slept through the alarm this morning Luckily it wasn't a big fire
I asked my North Korean friend how he was doing.... ...and he responded, "I can't complain."
Pudding. Hahahahaha!
Did you hear Willie Nelson died? He was playing on the road again.
Found this joke on the Internet and/or heard it from a friend/professor Wasn't that funny.
I need feminism.. ..because I've never heard a 'dumb blond' joke about a man!
What's the difference between a priest and a dog? One wears pants and a collar, the other wears a collar and pants
Which is the toughest tree? A Christmas Tree because it has the most balls
When life gives you melons You might be a woman
Yo Mama's so fat that while she's sits on the beach the lifeguard comes up to her to say "Excuse me mame but the tide wants to come in."
You guys wanna hear a sushi joke? Alright... How do you make a tuna roll? Push it down a hill.
What's the difference between young girls and photographs? After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.
What did one tomato say to the other? Catch up.
Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Did you hear about the jihadist birthday party? It was a blast.
ME: I've been shot MEDIC: put pressure on the wound ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child's tuition because education is important
Caught red handed I walked in on my wife masturbating while on her period again.
What did the urologist say to his physician before he hired him? URINE. I'll let myself out.
What does King Kong and a black person have in common? neither of them can't speak english and are unemployed.
What is a Muslims favourite video game? Goat simulator
Christiano Ronaldo races with himself. Who won? No one. They both came second.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink.
How to raise a kid? I injected my kid with yeast and put him in the oven for 30 minutes but he didn't rise. Any suggestions?
You can remove a book's appendix without any problem. But spinal damage is usually fatal.
*tries to get a life. Life: I have a girlfriend.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck. My wife still came home. Superstitions are stupid.
A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry No pun in ten did.
What's Hitler's favorite drink? Orange Juice made from concentrate
My doctor says I can't have French bread anymore. What a pain.
My college advisor asked me if I've ever been abroad Nope, I've been a man my whole life.
Some people say that 9/11 was America's darkest hour but they got it backwards, 11/9
Feminists who get easily triggered... need to just man up.
There are three types of people in this world... Those that can count, and those that can't.
My wife told me I had to give up drinking So I joined the AA. Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake. At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.
You know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
Business idea Souvernir Shops in abortion clinics - so noone leaves empty handed
Whats a ducks favourite drug? Quack cocaine
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I always eat Eggs Benedict on a foam plate Because there's no plate like foam for the hollandaise.
The reason no one likes my story about a broken pencil: It's pointless.
One time Bill Murray came up to me at a Wendys, took a fry off my tray, ate it, looked me dead in the eyes and said "Nobody's going to believe you"
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fcuking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
What do they call a whore's fart? A Prosti-Toot
I don't know if laughter is the "best" medicine, but I do like that it doesn't have a $35 co-pay.
I was having a piss in a war zone. Probably wasn't the best time for one of my fellow soldiers to yell, "Cover me!"
I love self-depreciating humor.. ..but I suck at it
What's the Riddler's favourite beverage? Obscuri-tea.
So I'm making a Marvin Gaye tribute band... We're gonna be called 'Marvin Gayer'.
Why do they call it ejaculate... when it's usually early?
What happened when the cannibals ate a  comedian? They had a feast of fun.
A jewish girl asks her dad for $50... "$40? What on earth do you need $30 for?"
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mortal Kombat Barbie ...includes more blood than you can even imagine
Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave" "Dave who?" Dave had to hold back tears as he realised his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse
Why did religion cross the road? God is the answer.
An afro in the 1970's = you have issues with white people. Afro in 2012 = You like to be in commercials with white people.
Wanna hear my favorite 4/20 joke? Heh... what?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
BAR JOKE So, a guy walks into a bar....
What's the difference between a cactus and a schoolbus? Cactus has little pricks on the outside
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I tried to be gay once.. But I couldn't fit in.
the easy way to tell between local police and state troopers is that state troopers usually have more brightly colored, magnificent feathers
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too? #slapped
My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil I still don't know how much she charged him though.
I have a photographer's memory Or is it photographic? I always forget.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though. She's really good at that.
Why'd the chicken cross the road? Because Pop'eyes couldn't use the same buildings as the former KFCs.
Him: What are you doing? Me: Tweeting. Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time. Me: *stare* Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Why did the sand scream? Because the sea weed. ha.
There's a book about how the Roman Emperor Augustus was really buff and into weightlifting... It's called *The Guns of Augustus*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
How do librarians file melted marshmallows? According to the Gooey Decimal System.
How do you piss off a really tall guy? First you gotta climb him
I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites' heroin addiction.
Back then: You are the bomb, yo Future: You are the clock, yo
That's a nicece ham you have there. Would be a shame if someone put a "s" at the start and a "e" at the end.
Why did the scientist regret naming the organism "Fungus"? Because after they hung out Gus was actually a pretty boring guy.
ram diljale janakpur
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house* TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Whenever I fondle breasts, they fall off. It's true, I fell tit with my own hand.
Valentine man I knew him, you see, This certain young man, And that is why I saw him and ran. In the plan of the ages This tragedy is  That I should be An acquaintance of his.
She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
So the guy says when i die, burry me where i was born. then they burry him in his mothers pussy
A Native American walks into a busy restaurant. The hostess asks, "Do you have a reservation?"
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Have you seem the movie "constipation"? Of course not, it hasn't come out yet! -Repost from r/funny-
What's the difference between Greece and a good software application? Greece doesn't have default settings!
I remember when I used to hang out with the lead singer for Limp Bizkit... They were the Fredst of times, they were the Durst of times.
I've been eating nothing but chicken for the past few days and I finally went to the bathroom. The stench was fowl.
Have you heard of the new successful therapy for ADHD/ADD patients? It's called Concentration camp therapy. (Sorry for untasteful reference)
I told my friend not to cry over spilled milk. I mean come on, just because I spilled boiled milk over her
What does Professor Xavier say when he wants to be tickled? "tummy, my X-Men!"
Press "three" for Spanish, and press "fo" for Ebonics
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? Look for the fresh prints.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face
The Matrix would have been an entirely different movie if... ...Bill Cosby got the role of Morpheus. "The red pill or the blue pill?"
Why do people from finland have problems with sex? Because it's hard for them to Finnish.
"Is it not funny or am I just not getting it?" ~ Everyone reading a newspaper comic strip
"Expecto me to be there" Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Nothing like a left handshake to make me wonder why you're weird.
I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...
The bottle said to apply liberally So I bitched and complained the whole time I used it.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"
Why are cows so famous? Because they're out-standing in their field.
I'm no expert on Masturbation But I hold my own.
I hope puns are okay. If you live downwind from a milk processing plant, everything smells like dairy air.
Why did the number one go to jail? 187
A PIECE OF ADVICE Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
President Bush's speech on the 10th Anniversary of Katrina Brownie did a heck of a job!
"Grandpa, why did you let catastrophic global warming and 4+ Transformers movies happen?" -- Your disappointed grandchildren
Have you heard about the Tempura Shelter they are opening downtown? It's a center for lightly battered women.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:"Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?" Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"
If they can make crunchy peanut butter, surely they can make crunchy butter.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who's sick of her bull shit.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
I'm gonna vote for Trump at elections... Cuz I a'int ever seen a president assassinated
Take your teenage girl to Disney world, Quickly. Next year she will want to spend her holidays sucking off strangers in Magaluf...
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Pretty proud that after all these years I still have the body of a 22 yr old triathlete. In my storage shed.
I should of studied harder in English.
I'm starting to think that the gym isn't really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
What's E.T. short for? Cos he's only got little legs
An apple a day..... Causes job shortages in the hospital. Have a burger instead!
Not sure why people ask what I'll be doing in 5 years, it's not like I have 2020 vision
They say one in every 3 neighbors is a pedophile Thankfully there isn't one next to me... just 2 smoking hot 6 year olds.
So two penguins are sitting in a bathtub... And one says to the other, "Can you pass the soap?" and the other says, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"
I prepared chicken today. I said, "Listen, there's no easy way to say this..."
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it's yours.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why did the BDSM store get behind on its shipments? Bbecause they were all tied up...
I've got a message for all you "migratory ducks" out there: If you're going to come to our country, learn some freaking English.
If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem
[dentist giving me a filling] Me: guh uh hag a hogreg? Dentist stops: what? Me: do you have a boyfriend?
How does the drug addict know the cocaine is good quality? He just nose. All credit to my BFF
[pitch meeting] Okay so it's a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of 'em. I call it "100 Dalmatians." [idea man pipes in] Let's think bigger
What happens when you eat fireworks? Your hair comes out in bangs.
So did you hear about the guy who didn't finish his jokes?
Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule Dubreak, Dubai.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless. With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
What's below the Pyrenees? A pair of ankles
KNOCK KNOCK... POLICE.... POLICE WHO? Well I won't fall for that one again...
I went to a Black Supremacy party last night, and I have to say it really wasn't all that bad. It was definitely cracka lackin'.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anais ! Anais who ? Anais cup of tea !
"You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something..." *cop gets all up in suspect's face* "Targeted. Banner. Ads."
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.
Jesus Christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. He asks Can you put me up for the night ?
Wife: Hi, did you eat? Me: Did you eat? Wife: Are you copying me? Me: Are you copying me? Wife: I love you! Me: Yes, I already ate
What does a donkey say? It says "Hey Shrek, whats up?" (I was 9 when i made this okay)
Terrorists are starting to get worried coz Americans have now started to steal their jobs
Pretty woman, the kind that don't eat meat Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees Ohoh what can I do? She's making me eat vegan food
DR: So, you're 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson? BART: I don't know where my hair starts
19: Help me think of a tweet. Me: I'm sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is. 19: Maaaaa!
When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
Laughed hysterically and said "Oh yes, please do" after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
If you don't know what a prefix is, don't worry. It's not the end of the word.
What are Pirate clothes made of? Yarrrrrn.
Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
I didn't know angels could fly so low.
A guy walks into a Starbucks and orders a tall blonde to go... The girl behind him then leaves.
What is the only alcoholic beverage Muslim extremists are permitted to drink? Smirnoff ISIS
Life is like a penis Soft and free flowing. It's the women that make it hard.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn't even know this rage inside me existed.
A little about me: I'm a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don't care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Rick Astley is such a nice guy He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up! He's Never Gonna Give You Up
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other SSSIIIIIIDDDDDEEEE
I don't drink about you anymore.
I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid
"Every kiss begins with k" I whisper to myself as I read the one letter reply from my crush.
was trimming my beard with my jumper today it was a **clothes** shave...
Yeah, well, I didn't exactly want to be late for work today either but it's not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Did you hear about the water that evaporated? It will be mist.
Everyone has at least one friend who treats their Facebook status like their therapist.
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just sit in the dark and blame the Jews.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay 300 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
me: good morning, Linda Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
What do you call a nation of programmers? A developing country
Limerick L is for lovable Lena, Who met a ferocious hyena; Whatever occurred I never have heard; But anyhow, L is for Lena.
If I held two sandwiches, one in each hand, would anybody consider that a balanced diet?
So a DBA walks into a NOSQL bar... but immediately leaves because he couldn't find a table
I try to do my job the way I have sex. Work fast and and get done quick
What is the big difference between chopped pork and pea soup? Everybody can chop pork but nobody can pea soup.
Why is safe sex a dumb idea? Because coat hangers are cheaper than condoms.
Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years? Nun.
Two dinosaurs walk into a bar.. I couldn't believe it. (Got this from a comedy show)
Behind Every Successful man. Teacher: Behind every successful man there is a women what do we learn from this? Student: we should stop wasting time in studies and find a woman.
If a dog ran away every three nights and had an orange tail, what would that make it? I think it would still be a dog...
CHEF ETHAN IS IN THE HOUSE *YEEEEAAHHHHH BOYYYYYYYY*
Why do Americans drink their tea cold? Because it takes too long to boil Boston Harbor.
Just bought some shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Q: What kind of printer does a pig use? A: An oinkjet.
Just accidentally opened iTunes so now I can't use my computer for the next hour or so
My car dealer will subtract the number of upvotes from my purchase price. When I spend more than $100 000
Why does Popeye have the perfect dick? Because he's always dipping it in Olive Oyl.
I like my women like I like my memes... Dank
GALS: Ask ANY guy, if you don't know all the sex tips from the latest Cosmo, we are NOT interested.
How do women range penises? Disclamer: I've known this for quite some time, so maybe a repost. 1. Small 2. Medium 3. Large 4. Oh my god! 5. Is there in white?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won't get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
10,000 worth of devices were stolen from an apple store last night. Police are hopeful that the 3 phones will be found.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you - from your parents' perspective.
Your mama is so ugly She fell into a gorilla exhibit and got shot.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not screaming and flailing about, like his passengers.
What's your number? A jewish girl and a man walks into a bar. They hit it off and the man asks for the girls number. She lifts her sleeve.
I couldn't remember what time the sun was set to rise this morning. But then it dawned on me.
Do you remember that barbeque you had? The one where I had my meat all up on your grill?!?!?!
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A1: Because they can spell it. A2: Because they can spell BWM.
Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say i'm really disappointed.
How can you tell if your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes funny.
I think it's bullcrap how Miley Cyrus can get naked, lick a sledge hammer, and people call it "art" and "music". Yet when I do it, I'm "wasted" and " have to leave Home Depot".
just saw a church sign that says, "santa claus never died for anyone." and i'm like, "okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse."
Patient: Doctor if I give up wine women and song will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Trump is not going to be president of the USA for long He will leave the country for a younger and more beautiful one.
What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas ? Santa Claws !
Did you hear about the Pizza Chef with no drivers license? He could dish it out but he couldn't take it.
Still haven't cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
Some porn can be really off-putting. You know, the disgusting 240p stuff.
What do you call a cow with only two legs? ...Lean Beef.
So a UKIP Councillor says God... is punishing the UK with floods cos of the gays. If my sex life effected the weather so much, why aren't we going through a long long dry spell?
My girlfriend said a small penis was okay. But I still wish she didn't have one.
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers.
"HELP!" Joe pants. "WHAT IS IT JOE?" I belt. "I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS." He cardigans.
Charlie Sheen's real name is Carlos Irwin Estevez. Related: Everything you think you know is a lie.
My ex-wife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! Ya see its funny because marriage is terrible.
I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons. Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders.. But never lemons.
A person in my class is constantly playing with his watch I wish I had that kind of time on my hands
wife: its ruining date night me: its ruining date night because you're letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
What is the only word that a redneck will capitalise? Punishment.
Mom asked about a stock she's owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I've mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Being a conservative, I set all our clocks back 23 hours. I just can't stomach the idea of moving anything forward.
My pedophile support group kicked me out last week I was getting a little behind
What does Nic Cage have in common with Asian fathers? Oh God, not the B's! Not the B's!
Why are Atheists so resistant to video game cheats? They don't believe in godmode
What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What do moldy corn flakes and Charles Manson have in common? They're both cereal killers!
Why was the pedophile so excited by 23 year olds? There is 20 of them!!!
"Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable" -Optimistic Prime.
How do you give an ice cube an identity crisis? Drop it like its hot.
What goes all around the world but stays in one corner the entire time? Stamps!
What do you call a rapper who can only jerk off when he has like a TON of lube? Wetty Fap
What does a vegetable get in bowling? A-spare-I-guess
Half Life 3
An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!
"Is that water potable" "I guess if you put it in a bucket or something"
What does a sperm whale say after getting a massage? (NSFW) You're whale-cum!
The only downside of kissing a 10 is How cold your lips get from kissing the mirror...
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Beginning Magic by Beatrix Star
ME: I've brought you a house-warming present ESKIMO: You idiot
What's the difference between a lesbian and a vacuum cleaner? One is great with a carpet, the other one sucks my dick.
Smelling one of my farts has to kill at least 10 million brain cells. My dog doesn't even know how to bark anymore.
I don't know why, but there were a lot of really disappointed convict's in my first class of Gen. Chem...
How did the Canadian win the hockey game? He took stEHreroids
Why don't they play poker in the savanna? because there are too many cheetahs. Thank you i will be here all day.
Why is the area between a woman's breast and hips called a waist? Because you can easily fit a second pair of boobs in there.
For everyone that works in a restaurant, or uses shredded cheese, Don't vote for trump! He wants to make America grate again!
When my employer asked if I had a criminal record... ...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.
It's not right to make fun of the French It's not like theey can defend themselves anyway.
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas Because OCT 31 = DEC 25
Went in for a tonsillectomy. Surgeon did a frontal lobectomy instead. I complained... ... really gave 'em a piece of my mind!
A toilet was stolen from a police station today... It's a pretty serious crime. The police have nothing to go on.
What do you call 10,000 SJW's at the bottom of the ocean? a good start.
I can't image what I'd do if I had cholera But I'd probably shit my self!
I'm not saying I'm bilingual but if you shout at me in German I'll probably do whatever you want
Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?? Because Freedom rings! Happy Birthday U.S!
A Bitter Cold Day Q: What does a bull do on a bitter cold winter day? ... A: He goes into the barn and slips inside a warm Jersey
I lost a leg to a guy named Amir... God damn, he's good at playing darts.
What does a Browns fan say to a robber? I hate the steelers.
What's the hardest thing in the morning? Getting your mom to leave!!! Ooooo Thought it'd be a penis joke, didn't ya. Those are to easy
So I was looking for pedophiles in my neighborhood using one of those websites and it asked me to register. Now I am legally obligated to tell you that I am a sex offender
It's so cold outside... I even saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
My friend can't wait for legalized euthanasia Seriously, the man is dying to not live
How to emberass an acrchaeologist? How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i'm leaving
[Works when you say it]. The best part about having sex with 28 year olds is that there's 20 of them
I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting "wrong hole!!" at inappropriate times, like when you're eating.
I like my coffee like I like my women, Without a penis.
Why are females so moody when they're on their period? It's an ovary action.
What is green and eats nuts? Syphilis
Microsoft Office Stolen Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word
A "your mama" joke for the books. Your mama is so stupid she puts lipstick on her forehead... Just to make up her mind.
How old is your Grandma? I dunno but we've had him a long time.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.
How do you make a peanut butter and Reddit sandwich? You spreddit.
I like my sex like I like my barbeque, mesquite
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward? Her: Yeah, a little... Me: I was talking to my mom! Mom: No, I'm fine.
what if donald trump has secretly been banksy the entire time
I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you
What is the phobia of chainsaws called? Common Sense
Some people say I have a dark sense of humor. Not as dark as the charred remains of a holocaust victim.
I don't understand women... I thought opening the door was the right thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane...
What do you get if you breed a hedgehog and a grass snake? *Interbreed. A meter of barbed wire. It's funnier in Russian
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don't like on
Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.
My dog I bought myself a dog the other day. It's a cross between a shih tzu and a poodle. When people ask me what breed it is I tell them it's a shit poo
When life gives you Marmaduke... make marmalade.
i'm happy when life hands me lemons. can't do shots of tequila with artichokes.
Me: I'm a confident driver Friend: You almost just ran someone over Me: Confidently tho
5 Second Fiction Thirty Two Yes she had once said "Not if you were the last man on Earth" but Barry was sure the actual Apocalypse had changed that.
I tried to start up a business as a Ford dealership I lost my focus
My boss kept saying he's dating himself. I told him he could do better.
Why did the guy cut a hole in his carpet? ...He wanted to watch the floor show. And why did he cover it back up? ...He realized that he didn't want to watch the "hole" show.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in a boat with a terrible leak? Cuatro sinko
Why did H kill itself? Because the G-had!
When I was a kid, I got really upset when my mom started buying Dove body wash. I just couldn't understand why they would make soap out of such majestic birds.
I just watched a tumbleweed get blown across the road. I'm so jealous.
What are a plumbers least favorite kind of shoe? Clogs.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? Its ok he worked it out with a pencil
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who's only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren't listening.
How do bros want their drinks? NOICE!!!!
I bought shampoo for "badly behaved" hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.
Do you that thing about German people? There Himmel ist blau.
What do you call an obese psychic? A four chin teller.
If you don't like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He's gone now.
Exponential horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the log(face)?"
Dylann Roof was just sentenced to death.... Needless to say he was FLOORED by the news.
*son wants to go to water park* *bring him to water park* *starts raining* *he starts crying..because he's getting wet* this is why I drink
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Five years ago, I couldn't see the forest through the trees, but now I can. Thank goodness for loggers and strip malls!
What do you call a Mexican that jerks off a lot. FAPPI-CHINO
A is for Apple - Hester Pryne
Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down? Shame they went under
How do you piss off /r/jokes? Jokes: son-of-a-b***h
"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the  owner asked the vet. The vet replied "You certainly will and you'll probably beat her too!"
A guitarist was sent to jail for fingering a minor
Why did the farmer get nominated for an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Why didn't the farmer make it to the award ceremony? Because he was out standing in his field.
Right before Abe Lincoln was shot Mary Todd Lincoln: See honey, I told you it wouldn't kill you to take me out sometime.
[job interview] "So what would you say is your biggest weakness?" "I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*
Two buddies are working a job together John calls to tell Rick he can't make it today because he cut his dick in two. Now they're both half staffed.
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question: Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I'm with what I want to eat, I respond "Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me."
My wife and I only smoke cigarettes after sex I've had the same pack since we were married but she's up to three packs a day! (Thanks, Rodney!)
If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.
"I have to poop" ~What teenagers say when they don't want to do something you've asked them to do
What does a calculus teacher say when a student doesn't get it? Bro, do you even function?
If you lose your hearing,... is it ear replaceable?
Man walks into doctors office with a frog on his head... Doctor: can i help you? Frog: yeah, get this thing off my ass!
If you're a monkey, your shit's always bananas.
Why does everybody hate tampons? They're stuck up bitches.
Your smell is so intoxicating Your skin so soft and warm I can't wait to eat you up ~Mosquitos
Whiny prostitute Why did the whiny prostitute feel she really needed to buy a house? So she could finally feel comfortable telling her parents she was a ho' moaner.
The jerk store called They say your order of Jamaican spices is in.
A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread." He never returned.
There are only 1,300 subscribers to the new Fappening sub after the ban. The other 100,000 came and left.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Whales in a bar Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "OUUHHHHWAHHHHHHH OUHHHHHHH AHHHH" and the second one replies, "Shut up Steve, you're drunk!"
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won't talk to you anymore.
How flies does it take to screw in light bulb? Just two.
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Ten-ish
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: Just a glass of water Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of... yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I'll bring it
People say I'm quite contrarian. But I disagree.
The NSA doesn't monitor your browsing Chuck Norris listens to your key strokes.
Why don't gangsters play quidditch? They always just kill the snitch.
It's just a game but... last night Tom Brady was sacked more than milk and bread at the grocery store before a snow day
I took a photo of the thing I use to play my guitar. It was a lovely pic.
Have you ever read the serial number on a condom before? No? You have to unroll it 2 more inches!
Tom Brady walks into a grocery store. He buys a bag of chips, equaling up to $1.75. How much does he give the cashier? 2 dollars, so he gets a quarter back.
A Social Media Consultant walks into a bar and orders a drink. He copies-and-pastes the drink to five other bars and requests that they become a fan of it, then bills the first bar for six drinks.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? **A pilot** ... you racist
I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email
People act like weed is the worst thing for short-term memory. Go drink 15 beers and see if you can remember your name or how legs work.
Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions? A: Tear gas.
The monster spent a fortune on deodorants before he found out that people didn't like him anyway.
My boyfriend broke up with me today He said he wanted to celebrate Independence day
Why is Bernie Sanders' campaign like Jon Snow? (Game of Thrones spoilers) They're both "dead."
What does a mediating blond girl sound like? "Ummmmmmmmmm...."
If future me us reading this some how, please reply ASAP Need help with my life
So... There was a kidnapping at my school... But don't worry-- he woke up.
What is Zack Morris's favorite type of word? A Preppysition
Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of ... oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.
What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? One has cunning stunts the other has stunning...
Well, that's definitely the last time I ever go shopping with my wife... We were on our way home from Tesco this morning and she dropped down dead.
What is the best tool for getting a handle on your gambling addiction? A vice grip.
She died doing what she loved: driving while taking a photo of a license plate that had 69 in it
How do you get a French girl pregnant? Cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest.
A white guy, Mexican guy, and a black guy are in the 5th grade, who has the biggest dick? Black guy because he's 18!
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
I have some news about 2017! Do you want the good news, the bad news or the fake news?
When someone pushes the "2" button in an elevator it should automatically announce their weight.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first! son *screaming*
I like my coffee like I like my women... I've heard multiple versions of this joke. Please comment with you're favorite.
Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin? A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Artichoke ! Artichoke who ! Artichoke when he swallowed his yo-yo !
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all "weird, I don't remember eating that..."
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
origin stories: spiderman: bitten by spider green hornet: bitten by green hornet gambit: bitten by a gam magneto: bitten by magnetic toe
When is a door not a door? When it is ajar. Saw this as a trail of sticky notes left on someone's door at work.
You call them "cuss words." I choose to call them "sentence enhancers."
I just started watching a documentary about Abu Hamza... I'm hooked!
What is the first thing you feel when you shoot a baby with a gun? Recoil
Why didn't the Soviet Union send Cosmonauts to the Moon? In case they didn't want to come back.
You're scared of pedophiles? Grow up.
Where can you go to pick up black birds? The crow bar
Why was the church opposed to fire on torches? It was heat-on-a-stick.
Damn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and wont shut the fuck up.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay! Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I read a book about stockholm syndrome... I hated it at first, but it was great after a while.
I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.
Why is "porn" not a standard button on keyboards yet?
What's the hardest part of telling a good gay joke? Keeping a straight face
Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.
According to the law it's not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Did you say that you fell over fifty feet but didn't hurt yourself? Yes - I was trying to get to the back of the bus.
A mugger pulls a knife and shouts "Your money or your life!" The victim just shurgs, keeps walking and calls over his shoulder "I'm a postdoc, I don't have either."
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance... Barista: Sir your Caffe Mocha is ready. Me: Oh ok nevermind.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
What's the difference between American and European kids? European kids actually come home from school.
I buy all my guns from a guy called 'T-Rex' He's a small arms dealer
"My Heart Mustard Go On" - Celine Dijon
Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.
I don't have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is "blender without the lid on".
Ouija board just told me it's still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die
ME: let me be frank DAD: [eyes widen] ME: and if you say hi Frank I'm dad, I'm gonna be real pissed DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
what do elephants use as a tampons? Sheep.
Hanging out with fake, toxic people is like running a brothel for diseased cats. I don't do that shit anymore
"For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
Helium walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says to him, "We don't serve Noble gasses here!". Helium... doesn't react.
My parrots are stuck together... Pet owner: Vet, vet, my parrots are stuck together! Vet: I'm sorry, I don't understand - it's toucan fusing
Do I have any jokes about Sodium? Na
How Do You Make a Gay Fuck a Woman Shit in her cunt.
My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
Why doesn't Pacman use Twitter? He doesn't like being followed.
I once met a woman who had 12 nipples That's sounds good... Dozen tit
A tree falls in the forest and kills a baby, whos fault is it? The lumberjack
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Well, the rock star decided to settle down and become a fisherman His new slogan is, "Come down to Bon Jovi's Anchovies!"
We all wear masks. I'm about to trade in my 'polite coworker' mask for my 'dude you don't want to meet in a dark alley' mask In 3...2...1
What's the leading cause of violence in America? Volkswagen Beetles.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box... I'll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I'm too fat to be a hipster. I'm thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
One comedian on Britain's got talent brought on wrapped boxes. He said he wanted to have on stage presence.
Blind man is washing a grater... .."*this is the biggest bullsh.t I ve ever read*"
You can't ban me from your neighborhood just because I "look scary" and "want to kill you." That's discrimination.
I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well we had to you know she was dead.
Very proud I've never once screamed "Woo!" at anything.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me cat: mother's lips taste perpetually of bacon
What does Ramen and Ketchup taste like together? Poverty.
Did you hear the news about the failed plan to send ISIS a shipment of deactivated bomb vests? People are surprised it's blowing up.
"Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?" "No, I said she was fucking Goofy."
Did you hear about the guy with five penises? His condom fit like a glove.
A father and son were watching a movie together The son says "Daddy I'm scared. Is that woman going to die?" And the father replied with "Well, I don't know son. That is a pretty big horse cock."
What happened when the joker dropped an elephant carrying a ten ton weight on Batman and Robin? They became flatman and ribbon. /u/realhermit has left the building.
A reality star, a rapist and a child molester walk into a bar. And Josh Duggar orders a drink.
How do you know you are in a real lesbian bar? Not even the pool table has balls
What do you call a guy who falls into a Yellowstone hot spring? Stew.
What do you call it when you think you've lost your Italian cured meat, but then you find it again? A falsalami
TIL that skydiving... ...without a parachute, is a once in a lifetime experience.
What's the difference between a reindeer, a knight and a cock? The knight is slaying dragons, the reindeer is draggin' sleighs.
Why did the chicken cross the rhoad... To get to the other island.
My blind friend went to Home Depot... he picked up a hammer and saw!
What did Ryu say when he was taking a dump?... "IMMM-DUKEN!'"
Nana's house is getting real bad, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
How did the girl with fetal alcohol syndrome tag a picture of herself on instagram? \#nophiltrum
A dyslexic walks into a bra
What's the fastest way to make a skeleton? Put a leper in a wind tunnel
I silently mocked one of the Greek islands today I was discrete.
I taped Scooby Doo at 2am without realizing the commercials would change & now my 5 year old won't stop saying, "Hot single ladies!".
Quick! What's protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?
Ever wonder why people pay so much for their electricity bill? CON Edison.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker... All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear "tip to tip" and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When Chuck Norris gives blood... ...he asks for a handgun and a bucket.
trying to be funny is hard I wake up in the morning with a good one and no one is around to hear it.
Two peanuts were walking down the street.. And one of them was assaulted.
I feel sorry for the people who are supporting Hillary. Living without a brain must be difficult.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan? Taco Bell.
This year for Lent, I'm just giving up.
ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much- JUDGE: you're on trial for murder ME: for murdering too much
The word of the day is legs... Lets go home and spread the word
My dad just dropped this one on my brother and I Someone broke into the Police Station and they stole the toilet. Police are looking into it but they have nothing to go on.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.
I woke up to find.. the train I was on had turned into a Pencil. I didn't try to use the toilet though because your not meant to go whilst the train's stationary.
Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him. Don't tell him I have more than one pair.
Whats an intercourse? Something you do between the periods.
I like to take my girlfriend to restaurants so she can complain I call it "whining and dining"
"Was he better than me?" "Joe, don't." "I have a right to know!" "No, he wasn't better than you." [god appears] "Mary, what the hell?"
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don't know man, seems fixed.
What kind of foods do arthritic cannibals love to eat? Finger foods...
What is the oldest joke in the book? The first one written
Why are gay men so creative? They think outside the box.
Do you know what the last result of the World Cup was? Spain - 8 Ethiopia - didn't
Three dyslexic girls walk into a bra... And if life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic yourself.
"You should date black guys"..... How girls tell each other they're fat.
Daddy daddy, why do I keep walking in circles? Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
I'm not saying he is out of shape, but... ... he calls the gym 'James' because he doesn't feel familiar enough for nicknames.
You know what pisses me off? Amber Alerts It's like, life is depressing enough as it is so hearing about someone else getting laid just isn't helpful.
"Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump." - SWAT manual on breaking down doors
"Hello, 911" Hi it's Mickey my dog is hurt bad "Is it Goofy or Pluto?" I don't see how- "Goofy or Pluto?" Pluto "Call a vet" *hangs up*
Cop: Are you drunk? Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants* Cop: WOW. Yes actually. Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My new years resolution for 2017 1920x1080
What If Google was a lesbian There will be more women empowerment :)
People ask me why I don't like spoons. Idk why really. They just seem pointless to me.
There are 16 types of people in the world Those who understand Hexadecimal, and F the rest.
"My eyes are down there!" - Large-breasted blind woman pointing to her service dog.
What is the favorite number of french potheads? 80
trying to find the meaning of life next up is "lift" followed by "ligament",ooh i love this dictionary
I went to a Chinese restaurant last night. I said "Waiter, this beef is rubbery" He said "Thank you, I'm grad you rike it"
In light of Jeremy Clarkson's recent firing from BBC... If James May quits in return we will all be in dis-May.
What did the deaf, blind dumb kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
I've wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
What's it like to have sex with a retard? SLOW and SPECIAL
*leaves a "beautiful eyes" comment on all your leg selfies
My friend told me the onion is the only food that makes you cry. I disagreed and threw a coconut at his face.
I'm not particularly bad at cooking, but how long is the pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?
Men, if you're wondering what it's like to be a woman, just imagine a world where making sense is optional. Also, boobs whenever you want.
How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
Did you hear about the drunken idiot who flew into a black hole? I don't think he understood the gravity of his situation.
I've never finished a marathon, but one time I finished a whole bag of Peanut Butter Crunch even though the roof of my mouth was all tore up
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels...boy was I wrong
why don't spiders go to school.. Because they learn everything on web. :( i know i suck at jokes.
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? I take my shoes off before I jump on a trampoline
What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? They both want to get there before the hair
Watched 'Man of Steel' in Spanish for 7 minutes before realizing something was off.
A man goes into a pharmacy And asks, Do you have pills for memory? The pharmacist says, Yes we do. And the man goes: You do what?
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."
What's the difference between a nun in church and a nun in the bath? One has hope in her soul...
I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My least favorite racist joke Donald Trump
[Warning: Nerdy] Two self driving cars lost control on the freeway and crashed, killing 4. Experts say it was caused by a race condition.
If I ever open a bakery.... I will call it "The Bread Pit"
Survey says According to a new study by the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same-sex partners. Said men, "What channel is CDC?"
procrastinator's club .... ... meets tomorrow
Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.
God: One last thing before I let you in. Let's look at your Google search history. Me: I'll show myself out.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo.
I wonder if I could save more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico wasn't paying for so many fucking commercials?
I recently learned how to suck my own dick... Sorry if I sound full of myself.
Why do mathematician never go to the beach? Because they got sin and cos to give them a tan
What did Davy Crockett say when he showed up to the Alamo? "What are all these landscapers doing here?"
What do you call a masturbating cow? beef stroganoff
Two condoms walk into a gay bar.. One turns to the other and says; "Let's get shitfaced!"
What do you get when you dry out a Stark? Raisin Bran
What do you call a prison inmate with a skin disease? A Leper-Con
Steve Irwin died the same way he lived.. ..with animals in his heart.
How many music majors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 16 One to screw it in and 15 others to stand around and talk shit about how bad the one person did.
A friend once asked if I wanted to hear a racist joke... Her: Wanna hear a racist joke? Me: Sure. Her: Howe Luong is a Chinese man. It took me all day to get that one.
[at wine tasting] Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone. "Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine" Strong smokey undertone
What do you call the elusive Mexican Jew? El Cheapacabra
I love the smell of abandoned commercial manufacturing plants. I find it to be a pleasant old factory experience.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to "sweep the leg". They've all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Whats the difference? Between a large pizza and a black father. A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Damn girl, are you french? Cause madayuum
Why don't you ever see rich people wearing glasses? They're always around so many karats.
I got a job on a farm.... It was circumcising donkeys, it wasn't too bad, 44 skins a day, with a chance to get ahead, and you could always count on big tips....
One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice....no they don't, oh no they don't.
What's the top song by the Vietnamese Beatles? Rice Fields Forever.
Why did the clown go to the doctor? Because he felt funny. (I can't take credit for this joke, my boss's 8y/o son came up with it.)
Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
If I was a fish... I'd be a broke trout.
How did the girlfriend satisfy her secretly gay boyfriend? I don't know, I guess she really had him pegged.
My grandma bought my grandpa a new pair of pants. When she asked how they fit, he responded "like a cheap castle. There's no ball room."
My 5'2" friend and a person in debt both have something in common. They're both coming up short.
Another reason I find children so menacing are their tiny little teeth.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a  zebra or whatever.
Why did the firefly keep stealing things ? What goes "snap crackle and pop" ? A firefly with a short circuit !
When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing? When you're buying salt.
Germany Cracks Down on Muslim Sex Attacks By Giving Girls No' Tattoos Other choices include "No Anal" "No Creampies" "No Bukkake"
Why was Mary's phone bill so high? She was a roamin' catholic.
What does poop have in common with the Boston Rioters? They're both revolting! *Baltimore. I clearly don't know my B-Cities.
I stopped leaning against walls because I couldn't trust the establishment...
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones!
My oldest son come up to me today and said, I'm feeling suicidal, dad.' Hang in there, son' I said pointing at the spare room.
I like to call my favorite sex position WOW.... It's when I flip your MOM over!
I didn't think that pigs could fly... But then I found out that Donald Trump had a private jet.
TIFU: By approaching a feminist.
During sex it's perfectly fine to say 'yeah', 'yes', 'oh yes'..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming 'Yep' ..
What did the runaway melon say to the honeydew on Valentine's Day? I cantaloupe.
Gift before the Prom "I'm ready for my first prom daddy" "Here, take this box son... And don't make the mistake I made" "Whats in the box dad" "...Condoms"
Why do you never see any gay Egyptian Sailors? Because they're all in de Nile.
Two pretzels.. Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was "assaulted"
Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3? Because in charge of directing, Yoda was
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only took one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Well if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire ... .....what do freedom fighters fight?
How many people with alzheimer's does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the otherside!
Two peanuts walk into a bar... One was a-salted.
Why can't Jesus roller skate? Because he's naild to a cross.
If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. well actually, it's more of a wrap
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they...lactose... I'm sorry.
Clickbaits seem so obvious... Just like this one.
Bet you didn't notice the the word the' has been said twice. 
I bought my nephew a drum set because: A) I'm an awesome uncle B) Learning to play an instrument is important C) I hate my sister
Trump walks up to the mexican border and takes out his guitar. Anyway here's wonderwall.
I am proud to announce that my girlfriend and I are pregnant! Now, I just need to find a way to tell my wife..
I've missed the last 50 years of "Doctor Who." Can somebody quickly catch me up?
Don't just upgrade Windows 8 Up-upgrade it.
The True Power of the Spacebar Light a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Light a man afire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Why are all the streets in Paris lined with trees? Because Nazis prefer to march in the shade.
Why was I sentenced to 1 year in prison with 6 months probation after killing a nigger? On charges of impersonating a police officer.
HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.
I don't know if this american election is an actually presidential election or an iq test These damn american's are sure failing the IQ test
[phone rings] "Mr Hughes?" "Yeah." "We need u to come pick yr son up from school." "Ugh. Whats he done now?" "Nothing. Its nearly midnight."
I had sex with a prostitute the other night... It turned out to be a rash decision.
Got talking to a North African girl I got talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours, we just clicked.
What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot
5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.
Jenny on the mine field Jenny is running through a mine field and waves her hands within 2km... Bonus round: Who's there? - Definitely not Jenny?
What does it take to reunite the Beatles? 2 more bullets
Why are all black people fast? They aren't... The slow ones are in jail
Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide! Courtesy of one of my Biology students
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Using double negatives results in the meaning being positive. So, should using double positives should give a negative meaning? Yeah right.
What do people from West Virginia do on Halloween? Pump-Kin
How do you spell "nose" is Spanish? nose
What to do? What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down, and use more lube.
how many Irishman does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2, one to hold the light bulb the other to drink until the room spins
I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.
"Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride"
A man came back from the fruit and veg shop without buying anything. The trip was fruitless. edit: wording
Don't play with a girl's heart she only has one play with her tits, she has two of those.
What are 5 "Ms" from Detroit? GM, Eminem and Michael Moore.
What Were Franco's Secret Police Called? The Gazpacho
Why is the archaeologist sad? Because his career is in ruins.
Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A: A can't opener.
You say tomato, I say that's a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you're all "tomato." You can leave.
difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist spends there time looking up old family and a gynecologist spends time looks up old friends!
Chasing away everyone who's ever tried to get close to you is a great way to save money on Christmas shopping.
Saint Peter: Name M: David SP: You're in M: Even after that night in Nogales?! SP *winks* *takes a step* *trap door opens* SP: Sucka!
Farting in an elevator It's wrong on so many levels
Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I can't watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long :(
I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy ...and my face smashes right into the mirror.
What did Barack say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't wanna be Obama self"
Did you hear about the documentary on perforations? It was terrible
When I hear Billy Joel I want to kick the nearest nut sackackackackack
Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.
Under pressure, Air Bud's math teacher changes grade from "he's a dog" to a 70
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buck 'n ear
*is at the movies with hot date* *does fake yawn to put arm around her* *yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front* *dies*
Whisky won't fix your problems... But it's worth a shot!
I met a dwarf the other day He was a pretty down to earth guy.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Him: It's so damn sexy when women bite their lip Me: Like this? Him: The bottom lip.
What's the difference between a retard and a baby? The baby has a soul.
Why isn't there a Price is Right porn yet? Nobody's willing to cum on down
Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I've killed. Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.
Ghosts... I didn't believe in ghosts until this one night, it was like 3 am, and I decided to start believing in ghosts.
So some guys were hanged... .
You guys hear the one about the Middle Eastern guy? He wanted to be a terrorist but then he'd just falafel.
What did the bald man say when he got a comb as a gift? I'll never part with this!
Is the opposite of progress... ...congress?
Did you know they're killing off a main character in my little pony? There's no more apple jack.
Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list. Love, -Tim
How do you say "virgin" in Dutch? Goodentight
NSFW What's the difference between foreplay and KFC? Once you're finished with the breasts and thighs, you're left with a greasy box to put your bone in.
I don't know who won the debate tonight but I do know who lost... The American people :(
What has a bottom on top? A leg.
TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port. Whoops, wrong sub.
Bruce Willis overdosed on Viagra before comitting suicide He died hard
I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.
English: i before e, except after c. Science: Ummmm, No.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just....Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Where does the president keep his armies? In his sleavies.
How do we know that Jesus was made of bread? Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.
The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger
According to my family tree I'm the sap.
What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him? "Babe, it's a valve!"
What do you call a gay man flying a plane? A pilot, you homophobic bastard!
Why couldn't the ex-CIA agent leave Russia? Because he was Snowden
The people of Dubai were shown an episode of The Flintstones, and they don't like it... But apparently the people from Abu Dhabi do!
What do you call a rich Chinese? Cha-Ching
What's the best part about a selfie stick? You don't have to look far to find something to beat the user of one in the head.
What do mexicans call their erect penises? Beaners
5 Jewish ladies sitting at the table in the restaurant... ...waiter comes by few minutes after the food was delivered to the table and asks: -Ladies, is ANYTHING ok?
A boy was born of an Indian , Irish , Chinese and an Italian Grandmother They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!      They named him Ravi O. Lee i'll see myself out
Don't bite the hand that feeds you. There's barely any meat on it. Go for the thighs.
What's the difference between a collection and an addiction? I don't have an alcohol collection.
Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch but don't believe everything you hear.
I love these hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked. I'm not sure my taxi driver appreciates it though.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs? One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.
[trying to do standup] u kno whats funy [someone yells 'society!'] nno [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop
A married's man prayer Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away. You gave me youth and you took it away. You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.
Knock Knock who's there? -it's a-me -Amy who? -it's a-me Mario.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? "Broken Pencil." "Broken Pencil Who?" "Never mind, it's pointless."
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Yo mama is so classless... Yo mama is so classless that Marx thinks she's an ideal society.
Have you ever heard of the exhausted frog? He was out of bounds
What do you call a Chinese pilot? A pilot you racist!
Why did the human cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
For those of you that have been to a casino, whats the difference between Craps and Poker? ..I don't take pokers on your chest!
What happened to all the Paul Walker jokes? It seems like they started going pretty fast, then just...stopped.
What can bring out your inner child? A coathanger.
A man was writing a book with over 1,000 pages. It's too long of a story to explain why.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. That's the oldest pun in The Book.
When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left the diamonds on an Island, look for clues on my Face  Book!.....", just to get them to read all the jokes I've posted.
How many Bill Cosbys does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but every time he does he causes a blackout.
I wonder Is Gordon Lightfoot heavy handed?
What i if told you... You the read first line wrong... And the second... Yeah Downvote me because feel you stupid.
What did the man say after he got into a fight with the amputee? You stumped me!
What do windows feel when they get hurt? Pane!
Why is Batman so jealous of Superman? Because he has 3 dead parents and Bruce only has 2
Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road? Because the didn't have the guts to do it.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER. PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Did you hear about the chickpeas who took a tumble? It was falafel.
What is a Mexican's most favourite sport? Cross-country
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the boy? Hey Kid, go easy on the candy! Probably been here before, I just thought it was hilarious for some reason.
Question: What is your "It is so cold outside..." joke?
Dark Souls 3 playing dark souls 3 starts.. restarts restarts restarts restarts restarts Alt+F4
i blame everything on the illuminati. stale bread? illuminati.
I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I've also been dead for 27yrs.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Buddy on FB just posted this, I had to share What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
My Grandpa once said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
Saying that there is a huge-ass line at Wal-Mart is both ambiguous and redundant.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? ... ackhh achkghk
How do you know which pepper in the garden is the nosiest? ... it's the one that's jalapeno business!!!
What alternative energy does Trump propose? White power
You can't make a squid cake... But you can make an octopi.
Fred: You have the face of a saint. Jill: Really? Which one? Fred: A Saint Bernard.
I finally found a book where the love interest is a grandfather clock It's about fucking time
"Women don't like me, idk why?" "Maybe it's because they sense you're a psycho who will decapitate their cat?" "No, that can't be it."
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
What's the difference between a Japanese person and a cannibal? One eats Ramen, the other eats Raw Men
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
Why are there no walmarts in Iraq? Because there is a target on every corner,
Why the dwarves surf in the kitchen? Because it has microwaves
I love my wife My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today. "Really!" I exclaimed. "No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle." That'll teach her to try and be funny...
I don't understand why everyone is getting so worked up about there being more than 2 genders... There's always been 3 anyways: male, female and wheelchair.
Everyone gets my UDP jokes. Well not everyone, because sometimes people just don't always get UDP jokes.
What's the creepiest body of water? Lake Eerie. Note: This joke has probably been made before.
What's the best part of being an abortion doctor? The free lunch.
Q - Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat? A - Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.
Did you hear about the double reed players having sex? They made one hell of a [rackett](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rackett).
Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts? Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers
Me: I've lost my kitten Cop: How would you best describe him? Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it's ok to bite an opponent.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015] Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I took a job as a suicide bomber yesterday. I guess you could say it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Saying "guns don't kill people, bullets do" is like saying "I haven't raped anyone, but my dick has."
What's the difference between jam and jelly You can't jelly your cock in her ass
What do you call an STI in your nose? Sniff-illis
My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.
What's the M0D's name before they're triggered; turning into a furious, putrid, lump of blubber? Bruce Banner
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn't drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Why do java programmers need to wear glasses? Because they can't C#!
What do horror movies and printer ink have in common? The black one always dies first.
An elephant never forgets My dick remembers everything.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an  elephant? An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.
Poor kids at sandy hook... They wished for books but they just got magazines.
A musician, a lumberjack, and a mathematician were in a room together... They made a log-rhythm.
What did one rock pool say to the other rock  pool? Show me your mussels.
What do you call a guy with rabbits up his arse/ass? Warren.
I saw a homeless guy in town shouting about a lot of random stuff... It was a vague rant.
What do you call a fish with no eye? (x-post: /r/badjokes) Fsh.
What crawls up walls and scares the shit outta Jews? Gas pipes.
What do you call a penis and a potato on a boats? A dictatorship!
How do crazy people get through the forrest? They take the psycho path.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Jokes on Reddit are like children You delete the ones that don't succeed.
Where did Donald Trump go for dinner last night? Rubio Tuesdays
Wanna hear a girlfriend joke? Nah, you won't get it
I'd rather someone ask if they can have one of my internal organs than ask if they can borrow my cell phone.
Why does the Pope kiss the ground when he gets off his plane? You would too if you had to fly Alitalia.
I Like my Women How I Like my Coffee Hot, wet, and wakes you up in the morning.
When Jerry Seinfeld dies... I really hope his tombstone says: *Jerry Seinfeld 1954 yadda yadda yadda 20XX*
Who's the biggest joke on the football team? The PUNter
have you heard of the new movie "Constipation"? that's because it hasn't come out yet! XD
Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas? Because his bread was stollen!!!
What do you do when you stub your toe? Call a "toe" truck.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he'd stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
PIRATE CORN: $12/DOZEN
What's a shopaholic's favourite boy band? NSYNC
I like my women like I like my plastic wrap. Clingy, easy to handle, and microwave and freezer tested.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can't pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
What do you call a hard working man from whose chauffeur is from seoul? Korea driven.
What do you call it when the bull impales the bullfighter? A hole in Juan!
What person shows you around a mental hospital? Tour-ettes :)
Pizza Hut: Hello Me: I'd like a hot dog bites pizzas PH: Pick up or delivery? Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Two guys walk into a bar They both had a concussion
I got sacked from a job for smiling too much... I said, "If I can't smile on the job, get yourself another undertaker."
I got fired from the calendar factory... I guess I shouldn't have taken so many days off.
Adult Trick-or-Treating: Walk around ringing doorbells & everyone gives out a shot of booze or a bong rip to each other. Make it happen.
It sucks that bowtie pasta is the only edible formal wear my grocery store carries.
After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
If you wear a cape to a meal, you can spin it around to the front and have a full sized bib for eating
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good... good. You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
What do you call a mexican with no legs? consuelo
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? 1 in 3 million have a chance of becoming a human being
What's the difference between a tea bag and a used tampon? - What's the Difference between a tea bag and a used tampon? - I dunno... - I'm never drinking tea at your house again then!
Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency? So the men can think of a solution in silence.
The most annoying part of reddit is [removed]
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" "Yeah it's on the third lane" "Okay, thanks"
how did harry potter get down the hill? walking jk rowling
[prehistoric times] MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter DAUGHTER: So I gather
Do you want me to write good jokes? Good jokes
Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once? Fear of over dos
I think there should be a small amount of weed in every first aid kit.
Will Smith was found guilty of murder. Investigators say they found fresh prints at the scene.
Studies show the effects of divorce on young children are complex. Sadness and anxiety are common, but many are just happy to be single again.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandles? Philippe Philoppe
Where does a digital photographer hang his work? On a jpeg.
What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me; I've got my own *problems!*
Every time I survive a sneeze while driving on the freeway it feels like I jumped out of a plane w/out a chute and lived.
My mates keep calling me gay. I proved them wrong. My mates keep calling me gay, so to prove them wrong and went out and fucked this sexy nurse. He definitely wasn't gay.
I went to the zoo to see some wild animals, however they had only one animal It was a shitzu.
My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myself... That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!
Some lemons just handed me a life.
What is the one thing that all men at  singles bars have in common? They're married.
[to widow] Great wake. Tho it should be called a sleep, he's not moved in ages. I say he hasn't moved in ages. Call it a sleep. Ah cheer up.
A kid asks his Dad "what does 'gay' mean?" The father says "It means 'to be happy." The son asks "Are you gay?" The father says "No, son. I have a wife."
My girlfriend was upset when I brought home a vibrator... it rubbed her the wrong way.
Why cant you make fun of Chinese people? Because its just wong
What's more horrifying than finding a stack of dad's playboys in the basement? Realising one of them's still breathing.
What's the best thing about having Parkinson's? Never having to buy another electric toothbrush.
It's always an ungodly hour for atheists.
How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga? You poke poke poker face
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
How many Jews does it take to kill Jesus? You can't kill a myth.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a Necropheliac.
How can you tell if your sperm count is high? Your partner has to chew before they swallow.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it "White People"
What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake
Don't forget to get married because a non-existent supreme being wants you to go against your primal nature.
All of us had a good time with those Harambe memes Now the joke is dead because all of you little kids jumped into it.
My Indian friend taught me an authentic Punjabi dance. I've got some real Sikh moves.
My mother was over the age of fifty when she gave birth to me You could say I was born with a silver poon in my mouth.
What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder? Endless love.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning... gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
How to Properly Jump a Car Attach a cable to the red positive lead, then beat the negative lead for being black.
Why do few black people have a PhD? They have trouble getting past their masters.
Why did the Rabbi stop buying beer? Hebrewed his own
Which way did the programmer go? He went data way.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid's birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I've been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am--you've made a minimally powerful enemy.
*watches TV* GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW! *logs on* "You're a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you" - Anonymous
What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men.
Their seems like their are a lot of unfinished jokes going around... Gotcha
How do you get half of Mexico to jump off a cliff? Throw a penny off. How do you get the other half to jump too? ... Tell them no one found it yet.
Can everyone who is pretending to be a slutty, hot broad but is actually a dude raise our hands? THEIR HANDS, I MEANT THEIR!
Three politicians go to heaven. No, seriously, it could happen.
What do you call a fish that can't sing? An out-of-tuna!
Yo Mamas so stupid she got lost in a telephone booth.
Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.
Two men walks into a bar Knock, knock
Whats the best place to drive to in Iowa? The Middle. That way, you're always driving out of Iowa.
Why do rednecks like the doggie position? That way they can both watch wrestling.
If you put a crown on a donkey, will he be king? No, he would be a donkey with a crown.
Yo mamma so fat she blocked everyone on facebook
Congratulations Apple on releasing the new 6s I bet it's going to be a big 6s.
Grrr why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way! Dammit I mean a usb stick.
After my doctor performed my prostate exam he left the room... Soon my nurse walked in and with a puzzled look asked, "Who was that?"
Did you hear about the golfer that bedded the Queen? He got a hole in one.
What happens when you put your grandma on speedial? You get Insta-Gram
I got invited to a potluck orgy... It was first come first serve.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you're scrolling on your phone
How are children like cellphones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.
What do you call two crows sitting in a tree? Attempted murder
50% of all trending topic tweets are people asking what the trending topic means.
Billy's parents called the school on the afternoon he completed his make up test, they wanted to know why he was wearing lipstick and mascara.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.
What do you call a Greek stripper? Popalottapus
What was the name of Hitler's Political Party: A, B, C, or D? Heres a hint: It's not C!
When I get real bored I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
What's the difference between fight club and veganism? You don't talk about fight club.
My wife keeps complaining about her nine to five job... I must admit, 4:51 is a strange time to start work.
The very worst STD you can get is probably KIDS.
Why is Junkrat a feminist's favorite class in Overwatch? TRIGGERED
You can lead Narcissus to water...
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once... caught her seeing someone on the side though.
I'm going to check out the new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.
I'm giving up sex for Lent.. .. It shouldn't be too hard.
How many animals can you fit in a condom? A cock and a couples of hares! Source: I was told this in a bar tonight and felt the need to share it!
So a deer walks out of the woods and says... That's the last time I will ever do that for two bucks
I put the SEXY in Dyslexic. Deal with ti
I'd be super bummed if my Prince Charming rode in on a white horse because you'd think he could at least afford a Kia
What's the dumbest animal in the desert? The Polar Bear
My dentist and orthodontist have the same name... Isn't that coinci*dental*?
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven't slept in eleven years.
Spending the day driving past people taking pictures in public and yelling, "YUCK! DELETE!"
What's the difference between a beer and a down syndrome kid? If you end up with a badly poured beer you can blow it's head off.
We go to college to get a good job to buy an expensive tv to watch truck drivers on the discovery channel.
How did the burglar get into the house? Intruder window
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it's best to just kill yourself.
its simple....yet horrific Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.
Just got an email from dominoes said "easy and delicious" they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
What is simultaneously the best and worst thing one can hear at the dentist? These are the best looking teeth I've ever come across
"I would describe your butt as a 7/10..." "...There's a crack and a hole in it."
John Lennon would have been 82 years old today had he not perished on 9/11. #KONY2012
It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).
How do you find the fastest man in Africa? Roll a penny down a hill.
Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
Our sex.. Would be a lot like eating caterpillars, a little awkward at first but totally worth it once butterflies sprayed out my butt. Top this pickup line so I can steal it and use it later.
"I'm terribly sorry but your husband overdosed on Flintstones vitamins" "oh my god...is he ok?" "I'm afraid not. he...yabba dabba died lmao"
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss's boss.
How did the mathematician solve his problem with constipation? He worked it out with a pencil
Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol
Ho Ho Ho Do you know; There is a dyslexic devil cult who worship Santa??
Dear hot girls who complain about how men fawn over you, I've got great news: In 20 years, no one will give a fcuk about you. You'll love it
I heard they found the plane.. Well at least Sarah Palin tweeted that she could see the wreckage from her house.
Do you know what the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean is? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
I should call you Dr. Cause you just got a PhD in gettin schooled.
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.* "Oh no! My research!!"
What did God say to Noah? "Make a backup, I need to re-format this."
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
I got a puppy for my girlfriend. It was the best trade ever!
My uncle Paul does great bird impressions, He eats worms.
What does one lesbian pirate say to another lesbian pirate? Scissor me timbers.
A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda
British people must really like Leia in the new Star Wars movie. Stiff upper lip!
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles? He was half nuts!!!
I went to the park earlier to play frisbee with me dog. It was shit! I think I need a flatter dog.
Kenny G. walks into an elevator... and says, "Man, this place is HAPPENING!"
How much do pirates pay for earrings? Somewhere around a buck an ear.
Kids are like squaring numbers If they're under 12 just do them in your head.
I eat a lot of swordfish. I like to be ready in case there's a food fight.
What do Amy Winehouse and Jeremy Clarkson have in common? They were both on top gear.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a shit
My girlfriend told me that I am immature and need to grow up Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats* Guy who's about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
How much does a Qur'an weigh? Allaht
If you're feeling down about yourself, it won't help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.
Why are there no casinos in China? Because the Chinese don't like Tibet...
Socialist jokes aren't funny.... Unless everybody gets them.
How do you get everyone in a chemistry department to kill themselves? Get them to unionize
Did you blow bubbles as a little kid? I saw him last week, he told me to tell you hi.
Men spend more time smelling their clothes than they do cleaning them.
A joke my six year old nephew told at dinner tonight. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
How Long is an asian dick I mean, seriously, I saw him stealing cookies from a little girl.
What's the best thing about fucking a pregnant woman? Getting a blowjob at the same time.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
Ever read the book "A Race To The Bathroom"? by Willie Makeit and Betty Wont.
My pet rabbit, Nickel, just died. So I buried him in the yard. Now I just have a Nickel-less cage.
What do you do after you make a rough castle on the beach? You sand it!
You know those voices in your head? Choose the smartest, sanest one and call it you.
It's all a matter of taste Two cannibals are eating a Clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
I knew someone had added dirt to my garden. And so, the plot thickens
Coworker: Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning? Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.
man and his girlfriend Girlfriend : I longer fit in this dress. man: May be dress shrunk after washing it. Oh ,wait a minute , Jim is calling .
A man was about to jump off a cliff... ...and before he jumped he said, "I'm doing this for Jesus Christ!" I think he took a leap of faith.
Two packets of crisps were walking down the street. A car slows down beside them and asks if they wanted a ride to where they were going. The crisps replied 'no, we're Walkers'
What do Mexicans play at their funerals? Another Juan Bites The Dust
IF you're NOT Handsome enough........ http://imgur.com/364BbQf
[first date] me: they know me here date: *reading sign on wall* "No Puppetry"? me (proudly): I'm the reason they have that
*flips table* YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
A man was found dead with his penis in a jar of crunchy peanut butter He was fucking nuts
Knock Knock Who's there ! Checkmate ! Checkmate who ? Checkmate bounce if you don't have money in the bank !
No Brett, I didn't even read that email. I'm not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
How did the girl end up with ninja jizz on her face? she didn't see him coming
So this guy walks into a bar... JOHN CENA! LIVE AT SUUUUUUUUUPER SLAAM!
There is a new Barbie doll on the  market - Body-Piercing Barbie ...comes with mini-piercing gun and  mini-body ornaments
What do you call a bunch of gay guys in a bowl for breakfast? Queerios
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that's how the fight started.
West Virginians are like burgers. They're always inbred.
When I see a "How am I driving?" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Women are like boats I'd rather pay for the occasional ride than go through the hassle of having my own.
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and on their land.
My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
My brother thought it'd be hilarious to replace all my Adderall with Viagra... which explains how I've been studying so hard.
Hey Babe Hey babe. Are you a piece of art? Because I'd love to nail you against a wall.
I'm about as excited for hilary to be president, as Bill is when he sees her naked.
How are women like casinos? Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal pleaseit's a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
Q: What's green and sings? A: Elvis Parsley.
Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she's ready.
Why is Paula Deen's restaurant called "Paula Deen's Kitchen"? Because the name "White Castle" was already taken
Whats the worst part about dumping a Japanese girl? Having to drop the bomb on them twice before they get it.
30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Had a date last night, but I don't kiss and tell. So I'll tell you all about it.
If you get a divorce in Kentucky. . . are you still cousins?
Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!
A windy day Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. The first says to her friends "gosh, it's windy today". The second says "no, it's Thursday". The third says "so am I. Let's get a drink".
As a Volkswagen Engineer, do you know what really grinds my gears? The Tiptronic transmission, actually, but I invented these noise cancelling headphones!
A damn guy in a wheelchair stole my camo jacket! You can hide but you cant run!
Somewhere in an alternative universe a girl is kissing a frog hoping it turns back into her charming prince but instead it only turns into the artist formerly known as prince
It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power.
ME: hey guys what's the herps? HIM: u mean haps? M: oh, haha yea. what's the itch?I mean sitch H: uh M: hows it herpin? H: M: I have herpes
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
What happens if the protesters in Egypt win? They advance to the finals against Tunisia.
It is so cold... fire hydrants are flagging down dogs to piss on them.
How do you kill 10 flies at once? Slap an African child in the face.
Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.
Americans are getting stronger Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
I was shopping with my 4yo the other day... when he suddenly exclaimed infront of the hot cashier that "Daddy has a penis!" I was so embarrased. Big penis honey, big penis.
What do you call a stoner balancing his checkbook? High finance!
Hey Seattle, Wanna win the Superbowl? No thanks, We'll pass!
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Why did the ghost get in the elevator? to raise his spirits
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it] Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
It's funny to watch you girls on Facebook whine and cry about your drama in one status and then the next....10 mins later "Pedi's, mani's now and drinks with my besties later, life is great"!!
Why are manhole covers round? Because if they were square, you couldn't play twiddlywinks with them.
"You're saying it's all an act? Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Waiter there is a fly in my soup! Sorry sir maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin...no matter how epic it is
Steve Irwin died as he lived... With animals in his heart.
Pigeons die when they have sex... Atleast the one I fucked did.
[texting gf] February 13th "I think we should spend some time apart" February 15th "Ok that was enough time"
"Hold the mayo" is my "shaken, not stirred."
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk? Udderly useless.
Can you conquer the largest continent on earth? No, but Genghis Khan!
Auto correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.
[ignores the worlds evils] Oh wow this is a lot easier
Nowhere is it more evident That the middle finger IS a suitable mode of communication Than when driving to work
I'm not scratching my balls I'm petting my crabs
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Did you hear about the strawberry jam and grape jelly hooking up? They got marmalaid
Three guys walk into a bar..... The fourth guy ducks
[job interview] Interviewer: "Describe yourself in 2 words." Me: "Atinubs. Econsibu." Interviewer: "You're hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA."
Mom, don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital. NoUrImmature, you've been a doctor for eight years now. Please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.
Why don't oysters like to share? Because they're shellfish.
Bring on the Limericks! Belinda, a charming young lass Had a most magnificent ass. Twasn't rounded and pink, As you probably think, It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
It's a do or dive for Robben as Netherlands play Argentina in the semifinals.
I like the way you weigh the way I like you.
How many good deeds do you need to be called a superhero? Because If it's one or less, I'm totally there.
To find your real porn name, take the translation of your Chinese letter tramp stamp & add to the name of your mom's 4th alcoholic husband
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Colleagues who feel the need to say "You either love me or hate me!" are oblivious to the fact that it's always the latter.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I'd take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a  four way stop.
Did you guys hear about how Mattel took back all those Terminator action figures? It was a *Total Recall*
FOUND: IPod Touch 4G, 32GB, white. Must be able to match the naked pics I found in the photos.
It's Women's History Month.. I wonder if Chris Brown is going to hit on the subject.
Irish step dancing was discovered by women waiting in line to use the restroom.
I'm curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, "I'm going to eat that."
"Mom, I'm sorry I'm not a doctor." -Me "It's okay if you're not a doctor, or anything else." -Mom So true, much wow, no shock.
What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it? HOOO did that!
Why was Noah a great economist? He kept his stock afloat while everything else was in liquidation.
Which country's currency weighs as much as it's worth? Australia. Because five $0.20 coins are about half a pound.
Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy's name attached? Why aren't plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Speaking from one deaf man to another, ......... "what?"
My wife's been missing for a week and the police said to prepare for the worst..... ...so I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I try not to beat my meat... But sometimes it's hard though
The worst part about watching Ronda Rousey fight: it's hard to rub one out in under a minute.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If I was any lazier and non functioning I'd be Rosie O'Donnel's metabolism.
I ate too much bread at the Indian restaurant during lunch today. It was a naan issue.
What do you do when a gay man is choking? Take your dick out of his mouth.  im sorry
7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.
I'm in Southern Texas ... ... and it's so hot here, the trees are fighting over the dogs.
Why do they want to change the faces on dollars but not on coins? Because the only constant is change.
Hey.. What do you call a really good taco? ...Juan-derful
What has wings, but cannot fly. A dead bird.
I've been trying to hide my erectile dysfunction from my girlfriend... But I just don't think I can keep it up for much longer.
I went for a ride on my Vespa and nearly got hit by a Prius. That would've gone down in history as the gayest wreck EVER.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They rearranged the living room furniture.
Whoever invented the iPhone charge cord is probably the same shitlord who invented the Capri Sun pouch.
Batman walks into a bar..... followed by 13 sodium atoms...... (for all you chemists out there....)
Don't be sad laundry.. No one is doing me either
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I asked my Pharmacist for advice on telling a rash joke.. he told me to make it topical.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
INTERVIEWER: What's your biggest weakness? VANILLA ICE: I've been known to steal under pressure
My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Why did Microsoft skip from Windows 8 to Windows 10? They revived to much XP 
Jesus might love me but my girlfriend gives me blowjobs so religion is stupid.
Who was the most popular cast member on The Facts of Life? Prostitootie.
What do you call a potato that's also a sports fan? A spec-tator!
Be like Bro This is Bro. Bro gets F'e in all Subject, Bro Knows F means Fantastic or Fabulous. Bro think he's the best student in the world, Bro is happy with his gread, Be like Bro
The Art of Button-collecting by Zipporah Broaken
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Turns out there isn't a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
A liar, a cheat, and a bigot walked into a bar... "Let's make America great again!" he said.
What did Donald Duck become after losing his tv show? a quack dealer.
Did you hear about the scottish drag queen? He wore pants.
My fitness instructor asked me how flexible I was... So I told him I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays.
Do you know what "clitoris" is in French? Me neither, but I had it on the tip of my tongue yesterday.
Fuck holes in my cheese. It's just wasted space where more cheese could be.
Why did God make four cheeks in the human body? he made an ass of the first two.
Peadophiles are just fucking immature assholes
A man walks into a bar. Embarrassed, he dusts himself off, then walks around it.
Potter household Voldemort: knock knock James: who's there? Voldemort: you know James: you know who? Voldemort: correct James: James: Fuck
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you're 98% jesus
we dont serve time travelers here A time traveler walks in to the bar.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You're an adult" every few minutes.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat? Me: No. You always go in the potty 4: I can stop Me: Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
The voice actor for The Count on Sesame Street passed away this year... I guess his number was up.
I don't know if koala bears are cute or ugly. Its like, get a nose job and then we'll talk.
Q: What goes clop, clop, clop - BANG! BANG! BANG! - clop, clop, clop? A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
My metaphors are like similes. Rock solid as a mountain.
What did the egg say to the water? I cant get hard, i just got laid by the chicken.
Women dream of world peace a safe environment  and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.
If a gay jumped onto your friend's back... would you help to toss him off?
How does a jew get his beer? He brews
What do you get when you cross Gnomes and Worgen?? Micro-Worgenisms! (From my Bizzard support ticket response today.)
The fish's piano was making weird noises. Guess it was out of tuna.
I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.
How do you know your girlfriend is too young? You have to make airplane noises to get your dick in her mouth.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi!
Someone once asked me if I trust boobs... ...I said "I put my faith in them"
Republicans seek to re-brand poverty as a lifestyle choice.
I hope there's a magazine for cool college bros called "Frattitude."
Why did the updraft get pulled over?  -It was speeding in a high shear zone
[at a bar] me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal girl: no me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months!
What is the most breathless thing on television ? The Pink Panter Show !
I saw a sign that said "watch for kids"... Sounds like a fair trade.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
A horror movie with all black people lmao "Ayo what's going down in ya basement?" "That ain't my business" "I feel ya" *Rolls credits*
There was a prison break at Guantanomo Bay Authorities warned of "free radicals" in area.
I'm a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I'm sleeping with my clothes on.
What was Hiroshima's code name in World War 2? Target Practice.
what do you call a racist tampon? twatstika.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are "too mainstream."
What did the butcher say the the angry customer? I'm sorry that we couldn't meat your needs. I came up with that myself about a year ago.
FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I counted the rings under her eyes. BERT MONSTER: That's nothing. My sister's tongue is so long she can lick an envelope after she's posted it.
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? With a coffin, the dead person is on the inside.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It's a nice way to let them know my love and also that we're out of napkins.
What happened to all the people that said YOLO they all died
Why are Subway footlongs only 11 inches? Because Jared likes his meat in smaller buns.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
judas: i would never betray jesus he's the best jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan, ...and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.
My mom once told me.... ....the only way I'll ever get laid is if I crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
402 year old woman pulled out of Nepal earthquake rubble survives for 100 years without food or water Fucking one upping bullshit headlines.
So a guy orders a pizza. . ..they ask him, "would you like that cut into six pieces or eight? He says, "Oh, six! I could never eat eight."
If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?
Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean west? Minnesota sucks.
The funniest part of being put under with nitrous at the dentist is getting home to find your underwear on backwards.
gmail@chucknorris.com
I have a friend named Tim who is dyslexic and shares too much. We call him Tmi.
What did the Cannibal get when he was late to dinner? They gave him the cold shoulder.
If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore
What's green and flies over Poland? Snotzis.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don't be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I've been burping bubbles for days.
What's Tinkerbell's favorite drink during "that time of the month?" A Bloody Fairy. Sorry everybody.
Being an asshole lowers people's expectations of you. (Except on Twitter, where assholes must continue to prove they are assholes)
What do you call the foreskin on a gay guy..? Mud flaps
How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and another to talk about how complicated it was.
What does the dead comedian cook with? Deadpan
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour? This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.
Did you hear about the woman who died in an Italian restaurant? She pasta way.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex Now she should understand what rejection feels like.
What gets longer when pulled... Fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked? -- -- A seatbelt!
If not at Bed Bath & Beyond, WHERE CAN I BUY A BED BATH?
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care...
Three legged dog Did you hear about the three legged dog that walked into the bar looking for the man that shot his paw.
What is a cow's favorite Bob Seger song? Night moooves. Sorry...
Very Cheesy Joke Friend : Hey dude did you see that thing i posted on /r/pcmasterrace? Me : Yeah I "readit"  (reddit)
I turned in my letter of resignation to my smug supervisor at the refrigeration plant. He accepted it with his usual air of condensation.
I recently realised that tofu is over rated. It's just a curd to me. Source: some organic food companies truck in Auckland.
I used to go to church as a kid. I got so tired of having to kneel, and sit and stand-up all the time. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.
Any dirty, racist, or good joke. Here's one. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
When people say "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here", I reply "Please don't get off on either of my feet".
Why does a Canadian with a stutter never run low on batteries? He always has plenty of double "eh"s, triple "eh"s...
Where was the first discovered potato located? In the ground.
Knock knock.. Who's there? Dishes Dishes who? Dishes a bad joke.
What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up.
Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra sound guy.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
CLEARLY CHEATING A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Ever notice that after you and some friends order a pizza the only conversation you have is "where the hell is the pizza?"
Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the M' is silent.
Don't you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I think I may have insomnia But whatever, I won't lose any sleep over it.
My dad told me that no one Really needs Heroin in thier Life I think my dad is sexist
What happened when Curiosity took Accusation out on a date? She aroused suspicion.
I used to date a midget... I was nuts over her
How many alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side!
Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha." I replied, "20 x 0 = 0." That shut the fucker up.
It seems kid of arbitrary that people want their skin to be tan and their teeth to be white. In Opposite Land, I must be a fuckin' hottie.
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FOUR!
It's so annoying when you've already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn't follow the script. Learn your script! 
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.
A Russian doctor is treating his patient. *"Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety."* *"Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides Vodka?"*
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul...
I hate it when people ask me where I'll be in five years. Come on folks, I'm not going to live that long.
How to you circumcise a catholic boy? Kick the priest in the jaw!
How would America win gold medals in shooting for the Olympics? They take their prison population and school population to Rio.
If you haven't heard my joke about the Mexican guy and the black guy, don't feel too bad. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
I stopped trying to keep up with the Kardashians. I'm too out of shape.
My daughter got her dress caught in the escalator and I had to walk away fast so people wouldn't think she was with me.
There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister Left paw: grey Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Try The New McDonaldsTM Double Bacon Something Whatever I Don't Know Anymore But You're Gonna Eat It Anyways You Fat Piece Of Shit
My girlfriend told me she loves my brain I told her "Hey, my eyes are down here".
A man overdosed on viagra His wife took it very hard
Where did the man go after the explosion? All over.
Just bought a guitar. The sale felt a little dodgy, lots of strings attached.
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? [NSFW] Because it's full of Arab seamen.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug addict? The prostitute can wash her crack and then use it again!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
How does one make a Nazi? With a ropesy.
What do Dothraki use to count their horses? A Khalculator
When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Did you hear about the party thief? I mean I've seen some crazy people at parties, but this guy definitely takes the cake.
I can totally relate to batteries I'm not included in anything either.
What do you call it when someone gets hit by a bus on his way to pay off his student loans? Crippling debt! It's funny because he can't walk anymore!
I knew a bar where a bunch of OBGYN's would frequent. Their favorite night to go was Wednesday because it was Cervix Industry Night.
I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.
Get really close to a dog. Look them in the eyes. Hiss "who do you think you are?" as you pet them
How many people from Chernobyl does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They glow in the dark.
What goes in hard and comes out soft and sticky? Gum.
I've easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.
A Baby Seal Walks Into A Club... I'll see myself out.
How come you catch more flies with honey... ... but you don't catch more honies with fly?
I have a Chinese friend with really bad internet His name is Hai Ping
Did you hear what they found in Justin Bieber's urine sample? Marijuana, prescription pills, alcohol, and Flintstones vitamins
Why can't Indians drive cars? It's impossible to reach the pedals whilst sitting Indian style
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to  make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.
A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a "beer" and "a mop".
What is it a volcano has which gives him trouble erupting? Eruptile dysfunction.
Why did the pig avoid the cooking class? Because he didn't like bakin
A blonde is at the diner A blonde is at a diner and when the waitress comes to take the order, the blonde reads the name tag out loud: 'Debbie, how sweet.... what do you call the other one?'
Who ever said time cannot be bought? I bought some thyme yesterday.
I don't have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya'll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebook, it's the damn Twitter crew I can't stand with their self righteousness and egos.
A horse moved next door to me yesterday. I heard that they make good neighbors.
I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead." I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.
Best advice I can give to newlyweds is to buy a really comfortable couch.
For some people, blood on the toothbrush is a sign of gum disease.... ...But for me it's a sign of a healthy abortion.
What did one lesbian pirate say to the other? Scissor me timbers. ^^im^fucking^sorry
What's a pirate's favorite bomb? The tsARRR bomba.
Why do the /r/jokes moderators like chess? It's the only chance they have to mate.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue when he drank his coffee? ....Because he drank it before it was cool.
2 Wind Turbines walk into a bar... The first says, "What kind of music do you like?" The second says, "I'm a heavy metal fan."
My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.
What's Rolf Harris' favourite chord? A Minor
The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
My friend has a job coming up with bathroom humor He just writes a lot of shitty puns.
At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?" "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
If life was a RPG and inbreeding was a skill set The royal family would be at the top of the tier
Why is the dyslexic afraid of Christmas? Because that's when Satan comes.
Marriage jokes A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus? Nobody.
What was the Russian mohel's name? Borris Kutchyakockoff
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Gaming: What's the difference between a train and SONY? When the train announces an arriving "Station", you can see it.
My experience at the doctor's.... So I went to the doctor's office today and he told me I had to stop jerking off. I asked why. He said "Because I need to give you your physical."
After all these years I've finally figured out what Cher was talking about when she said"Do you believe in life after love" She was talking about being married!
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
A Call for Assistance by Linda Hand
My girlfriend has terrible eyesight... she's always accidentally sleeping with other guys. Poor girl.
Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example: Ben is in a hurry. Ben is in a coma.
Two scientists walk into a bar... Two scientists walk into a bar. The first asks for H2O. The second asks for H2O, too. The second man dies.
How can you tell Cap'n Crunch is terrible? He hasn't been promoted since 1963...
its cool that chameleons can blend in with their environment but at a certain points it's like just do u homie!!!
Bruce Willis recently passed away while having sex He Died Hard
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
How Can Numbers Be Real If Our i's Aren't Real
if anyone tels u "evryday is a gift, thats why its caled the present" just say "evryday begins in sadness, thats why its caled the mourning"
The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...
What did the dominatrix say to Dwayne Johnson before they got started? I'm about to be peoples elbow deep in the rocks bottom.
There's three things you should know about me, I'm Canadian, I watch Hockey, and... I'm sorry.
Q: What do you say to a man with five penises? A: "Your jeans fit like a glove."
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. "You'll die too," I say. "9 lives," my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[Rappers job interview] Boss: What is your biggest weakness? Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can't speak. I'm a geek. Birds have feathers.
Who was the first female commodore? The Commodore Amiga.
Hey girl, can I have a pizza? Pizza that ass.
What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
How do you get Dick from Richard? You ask nicely.
My doctor said NO drinking for 2 weeks,then we both laughed.
Belle asks Beast for his number. He gives it to her on a slip of paper. It reads, "666"
"Naps ain't shit!" -Comas
What did Johnny Cash say to the waitress after he got sick at a Mexican restaurant? I've bean everywhere, ma'am!
I told my vodka about you.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A dictator.
Life without you is like a broken pencil Doesn't fucking matter to me
Why don't suicide bombers bathe? Because they are preparing a stink bomb
[Hires Skywriter] I DON'T OVERREACT
A ghost walks into a bar and howls Sorry sir' the barmen replies."We don't serve spirits after eleven"
A girl in a car gets pulled over, Girl: I thought you don't give tickets to pretty women? Cop: that's right we don't. Now sign here.
Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her. The dog and I live happily together now.
i hate to get political on here but like honestly smokin weed is frickin sweet as hell ha ha
What do you call a dentist gunfighter? Clean Teathstwood.
What do you call an and with frogs legs ? An antphibian !
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I'd call it Pubic's Cube or The Razor's Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.
2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato's Allegory of the Cave. "What if the laser pointer is just a projection?"
What do you call a woman with no clitoris ? What ever you want. She isn't going to come.
A friend asked me what I thought I would be doing in 4 years, I said I dunno... ...it's not like I have 2020 vision.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Got thrown out of the theatre during the Superman movie... ... but I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
As an American of Chinese decent, I offered my services to help Trump to build his wall. He replied that he didn't think it would be a good idea for me to build the barrier in my own internment camp.
[hell] Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity Guy next to me: Nooooo Me: I trained my whole life for this
Did you hear Jesus won all the swimming events? He walked it.
What do you call an instrument that gets a president impeached? Harmonica Lewinsky.
People used to think George Washington was antisocial. But he just wasn't a party person.
scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way me: every way? [my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
What's the difference between a pizza and a jew? A pizza comes out of the oven.
If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
What Are The Two Most Important Orifices' On A Woman? The nostrils so she can breathe while she sucks your dick.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I want to start a kosher hotdog company And call it Anne Franks...
When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.
I have sex daily. I mean dyslexia. Fcuk.
95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.
I don't like my computer memory. Not one bit.
The Word Election and Erection Are Spelt Similarly. They also have the same meaning A dick rising to power!
What do you call a crime-solving blender. Deducer
What's the difference between Ice Age 4 and Batman The Dark Knight? The kids walked out of Ice Age 4... Alive
Follow your dreams Except for that one where you're naked at work.
Do these jeans make me look fat? wife : Do these jeans make me look fat? Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth? Wife : No, i won't! Tell me. Me : I slept with your sister
What eats everything? An Om-nomnivore
If cloning ever becomes real, I want 3 triceratops. I even already have names for them. Oneceratops, Twoceratops, and Jeff.
You know why the swimming events are so popular at the 2016 Olympics?.... Because Brazilians rarely get too see clean water
I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.
What font is alphabet soup produced in? Times New Ramen
Son: How much does it cost to get married Dad? Father: I don't know son I'm still paying for it.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
How much salt does Jihadi John have on his chips? Just a Daesh.
Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass after drinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made of himself.
Need to build an Ark? I Noah man...
I gave my friend 10 puns, hoping at least some would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
"You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep." -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
U know ur self esteem is low when a girl rejects you and u completely agree with them and support their decision.
What is the definition of irony? Having a democratic debate in a city that was destroyed by over 50 years of democratic rule.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*
What do you call a lizard on drugs? A mariguana.
You're nice to the weird kid once, then BOOM! Stalked for life...
What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? One's against the law, and the other's a sick bird.
Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex? At least the one I fucked did.
Why was the broom late for school? It over-swept
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
How much sawdust does a chicken have to eat to lay a two by four? Give up? So did the chicken.
I bet you're the asshole that says "we" when talking about your favorite sports team like you're on the actual roster.
A guy walks into a bar ouch
I just love that new Pope smell.
Jack is a big part of all of us. He's the best friend we've never had. We spend most of our time doing Jack shit, drinking Jack and Jacking off. Thanks for the memories.
Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this! (spread arms out)
Why did the blonde starve to death? Her new phone came with a little packet in the box that said, "Do not eat."
What does the day of election and Taco Tuesday have in common? So much shit is going down today.
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, that's a good question.
Which trees have the most friends? The poplar ones.
What has 9 arms and still sucks? Def Leppard
So a guy walks into a bar with a gun... Who had sex with my wife!!? A man shouts from the back, *you don't have enough bullets bro*!
The comeback, 'Get on my level' 'Get on my level' Reply: 'Okay dude, ill go downwards'
Q: How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. Each lightbulb contains the means of its own revolution.
If you're ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she's not hot enough to be that crazy.
Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend's annoying snoring doesn't make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..
Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
What did the horse say when he fell down? I've fallen and I can't giddyup.
My girlfriend got her period last night while she was sleeping... In other news, I have a Japanese flag for sale now
Lady GaGa is easily the scariest of all the Muppets.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. "Is that good?" No one will make eye contact with me.
What's it called when a priest is always late? Collared people's time
The Longest Joke In The World http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
What's the most useless thing ever? Anne Frank's drum kit.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I was watching a movie with my son earlier. Gripping my hand he said: "Dad I'm scared, is that woman going to die?". "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes".
I need shocking, offensive, and disgusting jokes. I'm going back to school in a few days, so I need some fucked up jokes. Reddit Community give me your best.
I accidentally mixed up my dads sleeping pills with my Viagra... he says its harder getting to sleep now.
How is a 9 Volt Battery similar to an Anus? You know you shouldn't, but eventually you're gunna lick it.
What do you call a guy who'll date your sister, but will kill his sister for dating you! A Moderate Muslim.
How do you get an elderly lady to say f***? Get another one to say bingo
I am so hot my mother calls me sun.
What did the prostitute say to her client? "It's a business doing pleasure with you."
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren't really going to use that ice pick you're carrying around.
do you know how many Viet Nam vets it takes to change a light bulb? NO...YOU DON'T KNOW...YOU WEREN'T THERE
*beats dead horse* *kills two birds with 1 stone* *lets cat out of bag* *takes bull by horns* *breaks camels back* *gets kicked out of zoo*
What is the handicap parking like at the special olympics.
What's the difference between a hungry girl and a horny girl? Where she puts the cucumber.
Honestly they're going to announce World War 2S before they announce World War 3
If vegans are so smart... Then why do we call brain-dead people vegetables? p.s. Im sorry.
Having a favorite politician is like a homeless guy having a favorite can.
The worst time of day is when people start coming in the office. They are all cheerful and shit. Settle down jerks, it's work not an orgy.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as Friday night liquor....almost.
Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.
When somebody sends me a "k" text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you", so I make sure to correct them.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic... ...and the mental health system is failing me miserably.
Your mother Fucks for bricks to build your sister a whore house.
Round, heavy object they throw at the olympics. Discuss.
A masochist and a sadist are having an argument. The masochist says, "Whip me! Whip me! Beat me! Beat me!" The sadist says, "No."
Donald Trump becomes President. Thats it. That is the joke.
What do you say when a Canadian won't listen to you? He'll have Nunavut
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
A young cat jumped out and scared a mouse and said. . . Just kitten.
What do a 14 year old and an open bucket of bleach have in common? For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler. -&amp;y (yup, mine)
My Poem to you Roses are 0xff0000 Violets are 0x0000ff return(SUCCESS);
Did you hear about the secret cure for everything that the government doesn't want us to know about? Exactly...
What's a riot? Three dyslexics
Benjamin Button Started off dead Violets are blue Roses are red
So bartenders are starting to make a drink called the "Hurricane Sandy"... Essentially, it's a just a watered-down Manhattan.
They finally came out with a white PS4! I mean the black one runs fast but it never works.
Whoever's job it is to make sure I eat before I drink is fired.
I was so broke that Rahul Gandhi came in to eat at my house Indian reference
Lately I've been getting in touch with my inner self. I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
I took my wife to Hawaii for our 25th wedding anniversary. You know what I did for our 50th? Went back and got her.
Justin Trudeau announces free lazer eye surgery for all Canadians in 4 years... When asked why he put forward this proposal, he responded by saying "because it's 2020".
What do you call the doctor for dogs? Dogtor
A Jewish child needs some money So he asks his father, "Father, may I have fifty dollars?" The father says "Fifty dollars?! What do you need forty dollars for? I don't even have thirty dollars!"
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip? I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked, "Why?" He replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Two old woman were sitting on a park bench A naked man with a fully erect penis walked past. One of the ladies had a heart attack, the other had a stroke.
What do dads say when they see someone peeing? European.
"Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?" " My right hand." " Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."
What do you call a loud Trump supporter? A Trumpet.
Why do all polish names end in SKI ? They can't spell TOBOGGAN !
What's the first thing a redneck buys when going to a family reunion? Condoms.
Dilemma If you had to choose between your wife or a million dollars, which car would you buy first?
Two guys walk into a bar The third one ducks.
I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went... Then, it dawned on me.
My girlfriend cheated on me I told her to leave the game.
What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A BMW's pricks are on the inside!
doctor: u are overweight me: hah yeah doc: ok drop your pants me: ur giving mixed messages doc! doc: me: doc: me: so do u like the Indians
I submitted 10 puns to a joke contest to see if any would win. No pun in ten did.
The Klondike Bar found out what I did for it, and now it's blackmailing me.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
You said imagine my life without you... So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
so I used to read /r/nosleep to get scared Now all I have to do is remember than Hillary is still running
What did the boy gun say to the girl gun? Wanna bang?
A man orders a large cup of coke with ice Upon receiving his drink he began to wonder why his hands were so cold. Then he realized that just ice was served.
What's the biggest moth in the world ? A mammoth !
What do ghosts use for lube? Rectoplasm...
It's not condescending if they're stupid.
The bartender says... "We don't serve tachyons here." A tachyon walks into a bar.
Why do tweekers do it doggie style? Son they can both look out the window.
Two snowmen are standing next to each other in a field when one looks over to the other and asks: "Do you smell carrots?"
Hey can I call you back in like 6 weeks?
Why do optometrists enjoy nautical jokes? They have a good sense of aqueous humor.
Where do you find the hottest Jews? in the ovens
Isn't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.
twitter has a very "high school class where the teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes" vibe
Where do you put dead typists? In the `!
4 types of orgasms [video] [I think the video form is much better](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLckTJTwRYk). It's SFW btw.
Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
Do you remember the first ass you ever saw? I do, it spat in my face and almost kicked me in the head!
What do you do if the Ocean stares at you? Sea it and Wave :3
[first date] HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings. ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.
What did Stevie Wonder's younger brother think their parents named him after British royalty? Because they named him Stevie Twoder.
wut do u call it when the white guy is the top and the black guy is the bottom? society.
Canadians have to stick together. Really, it's the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don't have much of a choice.
The Bible is Christianity's Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
What did the mods say when they found me giving Reddit gold to my alt account? He who smelt it, dealt it.
Why do Mexicans make refried beans? Ever heard of a Mexican doing something right the first time
What's faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon.
What do you get with breaking news? News casts.
Alcohol is like photoshop for reality.
Do you know what a Timberwolf is? No. Thats a guy that chases a girl up a tree and kisses her inbetween the limbs.
What's the name of that Adam Sandler's movie were he plays an immature adult?
life ho to asi ho warna na ho sometext missing ...lolx
Where did the witch get her furniture ? From the ideal gnome exhibition !
Pencil Me In Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Girl: Yes, February 14th.
A dyslexic walks into a bra...
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
OC: What does a limo driver and a hairy stripper have in common? They both get paid to chauffeur. (show fur)
How did the Mathematician cure his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.
Customer: Why doesn't your menu list prices? Waiter: We didn't want to make you sick before the food does.
I MUSTACHE U A QUESTION BUT I WILL SHAVE IT FOR LATER
I'm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?
Two bros are sitting on a fence. A cute girl walks by who just moved into their apartment building. **Bro 1:** "Bro, im gonna hit that." **Bro 2:** "Like a stormtrooper bro." **Bro 1:** "Bro."
[Arguing with a guy over who's tougher] *takes toothpick from mouth* "When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce."
My girlfriend said that a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. "That's a bullshit myth," I said. "Prove it," she replied. After sneezing ten times I said, "See? I'm still awake and you're not pregnant."
What do you call having sex with someone with herpes? *A bumpy ride*
Writing a Play I'm gonna write a musical made up of only puns and call it "A Play On Words"
What Is The Most Offensive Joke You Have Ever Heard?
What did one strawberry say to the other? "If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Next time someone says "Your Mom" "Let's get off moms, cause I just got off yours."
Kate Middleton's gynacologist is getting a Knighthood The amount of Royal cunts he's put up with he probably deserves it.
What do you do if a blonde person throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you call a pirate that sells things? A sailor.
What do you call a Jew that can fly? Smoke
Wile E Coyote: I can't get rid of this headache *TNT explodes* *anvil drops on his head* *bus flattens him* Dr: it's probably stress-related
I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
"woof woof" -my neighbor's dog telling me his views on abortion lol nigga idk if i can agree on this one
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus ink Tentickles
All my chainsaws broke last night... I guess you can call it a chainsaw massacre. I'll walk my self out now...
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can't put salt on your French fries.
Shoulder Devil: So I say "Go on--do it!" And the moron does it! Shoulder Angel: What an idiot! Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.... Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth. It was cute with Skittles. Then she switched to dog food.
Oh my god, did you hear Bob Barker died? He was hit by a BRAAAANNDDD NEEEEWWWW CAAAAAARRRRR!
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, feminists can't change anything
What does Harry Potter say after he purchases slaves? I expect to Potter-own 'em.
Apparently 1 in 5 of us live next to a paedophile.. Not me though, I live next to a gorgeous 8 year old.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.
I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting. I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.
Let's have some fun! I'm up for anything today!* *As long as there aren't too many stairs.
I gave up viagra It was hard at first...
There's a metal band that plays while on soapy water. Slipknot
Be alert The world needs more lerts.
A man walks into a bar That doesn't make cent
The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss
How did Tom Brady's feel after losing to the Broncos? Deflated
How do you reduce wind-drag on a musician's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
TIL that vaccines contain a small amount of mercury, a chemical component that leads to autism. -Idiotic Soccer Mom, 2k16
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, Crisp and Even
What comes out at night and goes Munch munch  ouch! A vampire with a rotten tooth.
What's the Cuban national anthem? Row, row, row your boat
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
What's Sam Smith's favorite type of nut?  [It's an alllllllllmond](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB63ztKnGvo&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=37s)
You know what they say, once you go black.... You're a single mom.
Paranoids "You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around."
So I decided to write a song about tortillas... Well, it's actually more of a wrap.
My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women's matches. I have promised her I will stop.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? A guy in a wheelchair after a house fire.
How many people does it take for Prince Andrew to be accused of gang rape? One. And one's friends.
What's Irish and sits on a deck? Patty O'Furniture
what do you call a man wrapped in meat?
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst
Why did Bin Laden stop having sex? Every time he looked between a woman's legs, he saw Bush.
Professor, please tell us about discrete physical values in quantum mechanics. Sure, one moment.
What do call a potato that knows martial arts? Jacket Chan
What is a female to male trans person's favourite video game console? The Ex-Box
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I am proud to endorse podiums That's a product I can stand behind
I wonder which lie came first: "Oops, wrong hole!" or "That's never happened before!"?
Him: Productive conference call? Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I thought being patronized would be cool until they explained it did not involve tequila.
I treat my body like a temple. By that I mean that a bunch of Jewish guys enter me every Friday night.
What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her? ...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Why has the Trump circle jerk gotten so out of control? Because centipedes have 100 arms.
Jesus made 6 thousand people bread, but a guy in the 1940s made 6 million people toast.
if you told 18 year old me that in 10 years i'd be thinkin about harriet tubman on 4/20 instead of weed, i'd have said "whos harriet tubman"
Appreciate the little things.. Hug a midget today.
According to the BMI chart I am too short.
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist.
My License to Kill was revoked due to abuse of power.
An &amp; was driving down the street Until it rear-anded me.
Why Kobe's Still Married Kobe: What do you want for your birthday this year? Vanessa: I want a divorce! Kobe: I wasn't planning on spending that much this year. Here's another ring.
Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam? Every time someone said "Get down!" they jumped up and started dancing.
My friend is getting on in years but still wants to stay hip with new technology. I call him Instagrampa.
[Dads birthday] "Make a wish Dad" *Dad blows out candles *Looks around *Looks @ wife Where did our son go? -What son? *Dad cries with joy
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist!
My girlfriend cheated on me. She damn near broke my back.
I always buy pre-written cards for people I dislike. If I'm going to lie about my feelings, it may as well be a lie written by someone else.
I went to the doctor yesterday. He said that I had contracted a very serious illness. I then told him that I wanted a second opinion. He told me 'All right, you're ugly as well'.
I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.
Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight The Galaxy Note 7
Those leaf blower guys must be constantly looking for blow jobs.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton? Bill got fucked in the oval office and Hillary just got fucked out of it.
I'm worried about my relationship with my anorexic girlfriend... ...I'm seeing less and less of her each day.
"SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP" I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
There is a new Barbie doll on the  market - Death Row Barbie ...comes complete with cell; raunchy cellmate  sold separately
My Ex-Wife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
How do you call a spiritually significant Polish guy? Totem Pole.
What does the most interesting man in the world eat for breakfast? Dos Eggies
One of these days the love of your life will walk right past you and you're gonna be staring at your phone posting a status about how lonely you feel.
What is brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr. Dre.
I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.
I went to a bar that only served beer in cans,and bottles. Seems the place had a draught excluder.
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What's high in the middle and round on both ends? Ohio.
How do you start a rave in Uganda ? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in. She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her.
What do you call a dog with no legs?... It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
What does a Satanist take when their allergies to Christians act up? Anti*Christ*amine's
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
What did terrorist say to my friend Jack? Hi Jack!
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
The Pirate and the alphabet Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet? Because they spend years at sea.
I don't need to lie. But, sometimes, I like to give the truth an extreme makeover.
Why don't Americans get knock knock jokes? FREEDOM RINGS
If you feel like procrastinating... ...Just do it tomorrow instead.
[2 cavemen] Look what me discover! This game changer! *grabs it* "This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?" *takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you're a Pokemon evolving so that's cool.
How can you tell baseball players are smarter than football players? When was the last time you saw a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?
I think my neighbour's been stalking me, she's been googling my name on her computer I saw it through my telescope last night
If I swallow magnets will it make me attractive?
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
There's no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you're blowing up a rubber glove.
Just thought of a nazi knock knock joke (probably said before) Knock knock Whos there? Nazis Nazis who? No wonder we killed millions of you.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Whats similar with a Dick and a Rubik Cube? If you play with it, it gets harder...
Did you hear about the soldier with 8 limbs? He was army
What's black and white and red all over? A nun falling down the stairs.
They just discovered a terrorist cell in Rome... this summer we might have Italian Isis.
*knocks on woman's washroom* Hello anyone in here? *no one answers* *runs in & lifts up every toilet seat* HAHAHA *runs away giggling*
do mice turn into rats or do i just have both in my apartment?
Turn that baby's cry into a jazzy tune by putting a harmonica in it's mouth
What can run out before you've had a chance to use it? Slaves.
Math joke: Why can't you derivate a social scientist? Because they don't have a function
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
A nurse puts her hand in her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... "Oh no! Some ass hole has my pen"
Twitter - to help future generations discover if there's ever been any mental illness in the family.
My manicurist mother and dentist father didn't like each other... They fought tooth and nail all the time.
Reminder to any new followers...Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site...lesson learned...like 4 times.
I hate going to 3rd period Chemistry It's such a Bohr.
What did the grizzly bear study at college? He was an Ursa Major
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
I wish my grass was emo... so it would cut it self.
What do you call man with.. What do you call man with a rucksack on his back and salt and pepper on his head? A seasoned traveller.
What is the most deadliest breakfast? Ebola cereal. Note: Got it from my stepbrother who has his moments.
HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: ... Do you have a charger I can use?
What do you call a group of Indians? A Paki
You know the old saying: If it ain't Baroque... ...then it was probably written by more experimental composers after ~1760.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is good but it has no atmosphere.
I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.
My shower had a bit of mildew- -but all it took was a little... scrubbing!!!
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I'm learning ancient history ? So am I lets go for a walk and talk over old times !
What do you call a supernatural goose riding a bike seeking vengeance? Goose Rider
I like my coffee like I like my men. Sweet and delicious and makes me feel awesome at first but then I feel like shit and end up sitting on the toilet regretting my life choices.
My waiter asked, "would you like sour cream, bacon and chives on your potato?" "That's a loaded question."
I wanked over a blind girl yesterday. She never saw me coming.
ebola jokes ... its all about the execution :')
The other day I got detained by the TSA.... Apparently they don't like it if you say "Note 7," even if it is just a joke.
What's a terrorist's favourite car? A Ford Exploder.
"It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" Whatever. The point is, it was two people with contemporary American names.
Did you hear that the Indian bakery closed? I guess it was a naan-profit business.
Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
TIL: Colonel Sanders had a younger brother who was a plumber. Urinal Sanders
*travels back to 1930's* okay and that's why you've got to kill hitler FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
yo momma so fat when her name was the answer to a crossword clue, it was 10 spaces down and 10000 spaces WIDE!
Why did the L.A. riots last only 4 days? Everyone knows black people can't work a full week.
Just got the iPhone 7. It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months
Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. Well, that explains Edward.
I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for beastiality... Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
NYPD officers accidentally shot two tourists in Times Square, but in the cop's defense, the tourists were about to eat at Olive Garden
[1st Row at Beyonce Concert] Beyonce: Who run da world?! *points mic at me* ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] ...squirrels?
My new book I wrote on Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!
Dude on tv just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.
Kool-Aid Man breaks through wall. "Oh ya!" [breaks 2nd wall] "Oh ya!" [3rd wall] "OHHH YEAAHH!" [breaks 4th wall] *Winks at camera*
You can be the most beautiful woman on the planet but if you can't cook don't worry I can
My friend recently told me he was allergic to blood... I told him he was full of it.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
What did the drowning number theorist say? logloglogloglogloglogloglogloglog
How do Christians eat their icecream? They Catholick it.
Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger... ...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
If you want to know what I'm like in bed, try plugging something into a USB port in the dark.
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
A cow fell off a truck in Russia Apparently he hadn't been Put in properly.
After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]
What's black and white and red all over? Schindler's List
Why are orphans so bad at poker...? they don't know what a full house is
Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner? They lost their reservations.
People say Money talks... But all mine says is Goodbye.
Who would guess that people will fight to get into trains heading for German camps.
Why did the hoover not make the football team? Because he sucked With love and sexy things from Jaques x
Two condoms walk past a gay bar... One looks to the other and says "let's get shit faced"
"Holy shit, amazing!!!" -Asian guy using fork for the first time
Gay bashing is terrible but gay dashing is just how we get from place to place.
What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios? Toucan play at that game
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
*puts on mistletoe hat* *casually walks by you multiple times*
TIN MAN: I want a heart COWARDLY LION: And I want courage ZOMBIE: Braaaaains ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell'd Ray go?
I wonder what Ethiopian hipsters post on Instagram... But it sure isn't their food...
Roses are reddish... Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren't for Christmas We'd all be Jewish
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury? A: When he's sworn in.
Why did sexually aroused man go to a gay parking lot To rear end everyone
[Call from cell company] We can give you 15 gigs for $100 Me: Excellent! *Puts the band back together
Barney Stinson ask god "God,why do you make woman so beautiful?" "So you'll love her" God reply. "Then why do you make them so dumb?" "So they'll love you", *Ba dum tss*
What is Hodor's favorite cereal? Raisin' Bran.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain? I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.
A joke that never stops giving.... Your mom.
What crime did the viticulturist get imprisoned for? Grape.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy
Just look at the one picture I show you on my phone. Don't scroll to the next one.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My DJ name is Daemon, because I maintain the beats in the background.
Why don't blind people bungee jump? Cause it scares the fuck out of the dogs
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.
What's the difference between a male and female table? A male table is made with hard wood.
So a deaf girl hit on me today... It was a sign
I like being handcuffed, but not plant heroin in my car, handcuffed.
A soft taco moved to a bad neighborhood and when he went back to visit his old friends they didn't recognize him... Because he had turned into a hard taco! Hehehe
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he's a centaur with spiders for lips
What would be the best color to make a joke about? I was thinking black, but I'm not sure it would work?
What's the difference between a blue 7 and a red 4? 3, duh. (My ex's 9 year old little sister told me this joke, and followed is up with: "and YOU'RE the math guy!" &gt;_&lt; Burned.)
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
"Mrs. Arnold Palmer, what do you do for good luck before your husband plays a tournament?" "Well, I kiss his balls for good luck." "That must make his putter flutter."
What is Cole's law? Thinly sliced cabbage with mayonnaise
[tied up by the mafia] any last requests? "yes, let me go" [still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
One. How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
When I was a kid, we were so poor... If I didn't wake up with a boner on Christmas, I wouldn't have anything to play with.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two - One to put it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.
Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut? Me: I washed it Her: but it looks really different Me: yeah I used water this time
Sometimes I forget I'm from Florida and then I remember when I was 9, my dad had me drive the golf cart so he could get drunk on the course.
My current girlfriend is very similar to my last one... For instance, neither of them exist.
A clown was walking by yesterday with a load of red socks turns out it was both of his boots
What do you call someone who is rude and has no corners? A circle-jerk.
Why did Jared stop eating subway? (NSFW) Because now he prefers cheese pizza
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? Q: What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? A: My ass!
What's an idealist vegetarian's favorite meal? Peas and hominy
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Steve Jobs' entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger's cord.
What is Kim Jong Un's favourite food? Yellowcake.
Sorry, this joke's a repeat.. ^^^^^I'll ^^^^^show ^^^^^myself ^^^^^out
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very Satisfying
Why does a pterodactyl always urinate on the side of the bowl? Because the pee is silent.
Anytime there's food in front of my face I always eat it even if I'm not hungry. That's why I could never be a gynecologist.
"Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship" *me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Two men were sitting in a canoe in the middle of the desert... One man says to the other, "where's your paddle?" to which the other man replies, "sure does."
What's an emo's favorite ice cream flavor? Noose Tracks
Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...
Why did Native Americans stop sharing peace-pipes with settlers? They noticed the settlers were always blowing smoke out their ass.
[interview at a clothing store] be cool, don't let them know you're a dog "so what color is this dress?" oh you gotta be kidding me
There are a lot of dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates.
I lost both of my arms today... its ok though. I've learned to embrace it
I like my pizza like I like my women... Hot and delivered to my house.
Yo mama nose so big that her neck broke from  the weight!
Why did the melon get married in a church? Because he was in love with a cantaloupe.
My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league.
Why was epsilon afraid of zeta? Because zeta eta theta.
What did the Englisman say when he got a bad deal at the bazaar? Egypt me!
What did the jew say when he reached the concentration camp? AU SHWITZ
what did one bruise say to the other? Have a swell day
Thought I heard reggae music coming from the office... ...but it was just the printer jammin'
Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients? Me: Well, I'm just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces
9/11 Called. They want their building back.
Spanish: The h is silent English: Many letters can be silent French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal Now the men can finally marry their brothers
Statistically speaking...(NSFW) Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.
A black man and a Pakistani fell from a cliff. Which landed first? The black man because the Pakistani was a shade lighter.
Reducing air pollution isn't an easy task, it's emission.
Why are there no coup d'etat in the United States? Because there is no U.S. embassy there.
Some people tell me I have a superiority complex. But it's actually pretty simple. They're just too dumb to comprehend it.
I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Helpful Tip.. If you are ever cold just stand in a corner... There normally 90 degrees..
What do they call a virgin down in the south? Faster than her brother!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
So, I picked up that new Tekken game and it wasn't challenging at all. Tekken is too easy, but that's the way it is.
Whats the best thing about duct tape? It turns NO! NO! NO! into MMM MMM MMM
Knock Knock. Who's rhere?. 9/11. 9/11 Who? You said you would never forget.
What's the difference between Batman and a Black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin
January 1, 1990 Go change it.
Why don't tampons talk to maxi-pads? Because they're stuck-up cunts.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
The Jews may be the "Chosen People"... ... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".
What movie title best fits The Flash's sex life? The Fast and the Furious.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
There's a new holiday in Russia called "National Sobriety Day" People are at a loss as to how to celebrate it.
It's funny how different the Clintons turned out... One has a stick up her ass and the other is trying to put his stick in everyone else's ass!
"WHAT?!" - a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on
The Men's Room... where all the dicks hang out.
My pal is very dumb. The first time she saw a spaghetti bowl, she thought of a harder version of Mikado.
A worm crawled out from a plate of spaghetti and exclaimed... "Man, that was one hell of a gangbang!"
Why did the couch give the table a dollar? Because it was for chair-ity
Lorena Bobbitt died :/ Car accident. Some dick cut her off.
What does a Redditor do at prom? He looks for the punchline
How does post-vasectomy sex compare? There's not a vas deferens.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
CHRISTMAS TIP: When your kid starts asking questions about whether Santa is real, just tell him to shut up.
I've never met a full on jew They were all just sort of jew-ish
None for me. I'll eat when I'm dead "You don't understand how that saying works, do you?" I'll understand how the saying works when I'm dead
The word "beard" comes from an old Latin phrase meaning "sit on my face"
Sorry I said your mom's beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My doctor told me I only have two months left to live so I shot him, judge gave me 30 years.
A bird in the hand is never as fun as a hand in the bush.
A cop pulls an illegal immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?" The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away
One day Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry.
What's the worst thing to read in Braille? Don't touch this.
My friend spent 4 years in jail for something he didn't do Run.
What do you call a politically correct boat? A censorship
How can you tell if a gay person is dead? Check pulse
What's a big game hunter? Someone who's lost his way to the match.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
I love being a mosquito... People always clap when I'm around!
"I guess I didn't get my birthday wish."  "How do you know?" "You're still here!"
I talk a lot of shit for someone who won't sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.
What do you call a joke that is not funny? An unfunny joke
Why did the gay man dress so well? He didn't spend all that time in the closet for nothing
What's the best part about dating an epileptic? You don't have to pay for a vibrator.
"Strap On" backwards is "No Parts"
I went to a charity event for women who lost their legs, when someone stole all of their wheelchairs. After that, the place was crawling with pussy
Question on my Visa Application "have you ever been convicted of a crime ?" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer.
Ethiopian kid won't get this... old
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." (Their words, not mine)
I don't always drink.... What were we talking about again?
Why did the chicken say, "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit..."? Because the chicken crossed the road.
I had to check my printer because I thought I heard music coming from it. It was the paper jamming.
I'm surprised 4 isn't an unlucky number. Nothing good ever comes from putting 2 and 2 together.
I always choose Pepsi over Coca-Cola because I prefer my soda dehyphenated.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] "You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes..." Me: "Umm, it's 'fish'." M: "This. This is why."
I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
I love going over to my girlfriends place, her parents give me money when I leave! You know being a babysiter and all.
How much lube do you need for anal? A buttload.
Motorist: Why are you crying after giving me that ticket? Policeman: It was a moving violation.
Knock Knock. OPEN UP THE DOOR, ITS REAL WIT THE NON-STOP, POP POP AND STAINLESS STEEL!
Kids don't scare me cause their little arms aren't strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Where are new Starcraft players born? In the noobula
What do you ask when an Indian comes up in a conversation? "Dot or no dot"
It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
What happened to the dinosaurs that first was aware of the metheorite? The where petrified.
My illiterecy got me fired from the box moving company. I was so confused, I didn't know which way was up.
007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, "The name's Bond, Hydrogen Bond." Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.
set a fire for a man and he is warm for a day, set him on fire and he is warn for the rest of his life
How do you kill a hipster? Push them into the mainstream and watch them tumblr
Telling a woman that you want to "rock her body" means something completely different in Pakistan.
NSFW Why is driving in the snow a lot like eating pussy? Because if you're not careful you might slide into the asshole in front of you
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they're coming by boat. We have like three months
Want to hear a joke about sodium hypobromite? NaBrO!!
What's a narcissistic hooker's favorite state? Idaho.
Why is 9 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate a bunch of PCP and is going apeshit!
A pedophile stopped by my apartment today According to my Catholic roommate, the proper term is "priest."
Finding Nemo. Grilling Nemo. Eating Nemo.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use Real dinosaurs..
Your Mommas so fat... (physics joke) Because she went light speed. Explanation: Physicists theorize that as speed increases, mass increases and at light speed, mass becomes infinite.
I brought a can of WD-40 with me on a first date It had been a while since my last date, and I was afraid I might be a little rusty.
Thanks to the Fed continuing to print money, a picture is now only worth 583 words.
NEW study shows that Birthdays are good for your health Statistics show that people who have more birthdays, live the longest!
When the drugs talk to you ... ... you have too many left
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose... As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
As I spread my girlfriend's ass cheeks, I thought to myself... This is the weirdest thing I've ever had on toast.
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness with a Hell's Angel? Someone who knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck off.
A grenade isin't the only thing i'd catch for you bby. :^)
Why did Liberace like playing the piano? Because he sucked on the organ.
Why did the chicken get a strike? Because it was a fowl.
I hate father in laws So I only date black girls
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
I, for one, like Roman numerals
Why did the computer crash? It had a bad driver!
Went to my daughters netball match this weekend What a semi
I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it I falafel.
What did the french baker ghost said? BOO! Langerieeee!
The last time I made a chick moist.... was a water balloon fight in 4th grade.
What is the most whoreish profession today? Store greeters. They let everybody 'come inside'! no offense folks! :)
My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles. Which sounds a lot better than alcoholic.
White Anglo-Saxon Protestant's (WASP's) Why did God create W.A.S.P's? Someone has to pay full retail...
Don't argui with r/jokes... There's too many ri-postes.
My niece just yelled "MY DINNER IS BETTER THAN YOUR DINNER" so I looked over and she was eating doritos with a fork
What do you get if you cross a salmon a bird's leg and a hand ? Birdsthigh fish fingers !
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Fish.
I would give anything to get my ex-wife back . But shes already got the house, the car and the kids
Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians". Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.
A boomerang walks into a bar... Bartender says, "Hey, I thought I threw you out of here!"
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool That's how long that song would've lasted if I sang it.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son's dick. (Credit to my uncle)
What is your funniest joke about the French? Mine is this: How do you pick out the Frenchmen in a room full of naked soldiers? They're the ones with sunburned armpits.
I have an epileptic friend... He's a jerk...
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
What do you call it when batman plays hooky from church? Christian Bale
Did you hear about the new LSU Visa card coming out? You get Les Miles and zero points
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
What's the difference between a Clinton inauguration and a Wu-Tang reunion? There's a chance of another Wu-Tang Reunion happening.
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to  the basement is that correct? A: Yes. Judge: And these same stairs did the also go up?
What do STDs and jokes have in common? They're both easily spread.
"FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched."
Why is Chuck Norris still alive? ## Because he's afraid of meeting Bruce Lee on the other side! Credit: Saw the comment in this [tribute video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8wL3AA4BP0) [1:55]
*raises hand in class* can you repeat that, I haven't been paying attention all year
*buys extra movie ticket seat so I'll have a place to put my microwave bc I'll be damned if I'm paying that much for popcorn
r/jokes, please enlighten me. What are some of the most downright offensive White People jokes you know.
TIL the French flag is traditionally made with Velcro So they could remove the red and blue bits in times of war
I went to the blacksmiths for a job interview He asked me "have you ever shoed a horse before?" I replied "no, but i told a donkey to fuck off."
My friends are starting to figure out that I got Botox in my forehead because I can't raise my eyebrows. Why am I not surprised?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose? Accused: No. *cries into palms Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.
What happened to the guy who farted in church? He sat in his own pew.
The doctor told me I should stop masturbating today. So I look him straight in the eye and asked him "why?". And then he said something about not being able to work in these conditions.
Stephen Harper
My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I said Cold War Russia.
Girls treat guys like monkey bars. They don't let go of the last one until they got a grip on the next one.
Did you hear about the Polish bank robber? Tied up the safe and blew the guard.
What do Germans call a flying jew? Smoke.
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people... ...repost.
Whenever I use a racist stereotype, it's blown out of proportion. Just like all the Muslims in the world.
"YOUR 15" is trending worldwide instead of "YOU'RE 15" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet.
What STD is found most commonly among lesbians? Carpet burn
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning: 6. Politics 5. Sports 4. Investing 3. Business 2. Military 1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom?
There's two fish in a tank !!!
I just got a new Sony P station, It had split-stream, so I just ended up messing the toilet seat.
Science Joke :) Two scientists walk into a bar. Bartender: So what would you two like? Scientist 1: I'll have some H2O. Scientist 2: I'll have some H2O too. (H2O2)
Why did I go to the dentist at an Indian Reservation? To get some Sioux veneers
[pearly gates] st peter: welcome everybody- *i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it's the rim*
I was having trouble settling into my new house, so I went to a therapist He said I have an apartment complex
Who's Irish and sleeps on your porch? Paddy O'Furniture!
Why can you not shower with a Pokemon? Because they'll Pikachu
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Photographing Bigfoot is... no small feat.
Today I Called Shotgun... And the cop still put me in the backseat...
How many square feet of pizza can you eat? Trick question. Pizzas are round.
One way to find out if your crush likes you is: Who cares. People are horrible and it's better to be alone.
Meet your girlfriend's brother then realize you're screwing the female version of a guy.
Some girls on Facebook are cute until their 30-day photoshop trial expires.
The Hillary Phone Just like the Obama Phone, but it deletes all of your emails.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ? He cut all his fingers off !
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
What did the buffalo say to his son on the first day of school? He waves and says Bi son
Switzerland on Austrians: "Why is the Austrian flag red-white-red'?" "So that they can't raise it upside-down"
Did you hear Caitlyn Jenner got a new cat? It's a rottweiler.
I drank tequila in a cave... ...it was a shot in the dark
What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
The bird developed an illness. i think it started when the bird flu.
Don't exercise so you can live longer. Exercise so when you're about to die you can think, "at least I don't have to exercise anymore".
Maybe zombies just have shampoo in their eyes.
How do you make a Whiskey Sour? Crush it's hopes and dreams.
A man runs into a bar... ...Of steel. He ends up breaking one of his ribs.
*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana
What is the smallest book in history? French War Victories.
Gonna replace my friends' hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.
[NO SPOILERS] Did you hear about the stormtrooper who fell asleep at The Force Awakens? He missed everything!
Get two dogs and name them 'one' and 'two'. Because if one runs away, you'll still have two.
Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness. it's a double aunt tundra
I won't believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I've seen he's put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Ten times I've watched that episode of Friends where Rachel has the baby, just so I'll be emotionally ready when my wife delivers tomorrow.
What is "The Fonz's" favorite breakfast? Eeeeeeeeeeggs
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge? ADAM: no...it was my girlfriend GOD: who? ADAM: u don't know her she goes to a different school
I tried the come-hither sign with my fingers when I was inside a girl... But she moved her face away and said, "Are you really a dentist?"
I couldn't use my phone at the funeral It was a dead zone
What is the difference between boogers and Brussels sprouts? Little kids will eat boogers.
After a long day, I feel like a bicycle Because I'm too tired
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
The Trump Years in a Nutshell 2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance. 2017: Trump's still trying? 2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we're all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Why did the guy get aroused by the highway? Because there were lots of turn ons.
What do you call a slut that just took laxatives? DiWHOREea
What's the difference between hardware and software? A floppy dick
I have always hated shopping for clothes because my mom would always hit me alot with a coathanger as a child Then i was born
How did that bullfight come out? Oh it was a toss-up!
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.
Before twitter, celebrities used to sit dead for months and months completely unnoticed.
Gay jokes aren't funny.. Cum on guys...
You know you're old when the band you love plays an encore and it just stresses you out because you have work tomorrow and need to get home.
If you throw acid on a basic bitch does she become salt?
What is the big hairy thing between Napoleon's legs? His horse Marengo
Two mormons walk into a bar Have a drink, talk to some ladies, do some blow, have sex, then wake up and leave the Mormon religion.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? "P" because it's an R that lost a leg.
The past, present and the future started fighting. It was in*tense*
What did the Asian police dog say to the robber? Fleas!
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It's lovely.
A seal walks into a bar.... And the bartender says, "what are you going to have?" The seal replies, "anything except Canadian club."
When are they going to bring slavery back? I am tired of looking for a job.
Why did Steve Jobs die too soon? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
I like to believe in solipsism... ...but other people prove me wrong.
I like my coffee like I like my women. Cock full o' nuts.
Q: Why did my wife cross the road? A: To fuck some dude (sorry my jokes haven't been as funny since I found out about my wife's affair)
I missed my cake day yesterday. Here's a joke. My life.
Why do ghosts eat more sandwiches than bears? Because there's more sandwiches in your fridge. };)
Why should you use six hooks on your fishing  line? eFISHancy!
An autistic girl asked me out today And I said yes. I guess you could say I like girls that are down for everything
I don't consider it a good night out if it doesn't end up as a super villain's origin story
What was the pig when he got laryngitis...? He was dis-gruntled!
What did the ZERO say to the EIGHT? 0 - Nice belt. 8 - thank you :)
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas  party ? Chick to chick !
A cat and a rooster sat by a lake... Suddenly, the cat fell in the water and the rooster laughed. Moral of the story : When there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.
I love looking at oranges, they are just so appealing
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
Why did Hu wind-up worse off than Yu? Because Hu died and made Yu king. Hu died and made Yu king? Isn't that what I just said?
Did you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst
Why was Doughman the only hero to rise up and help? because he was kneaded.
Me and my wife were happy for 20 years... ...then we met each other
If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping...
Look mom, my tits are bigger than yours! :D "That's not funny, Kevin."
Guinea pigs aren't real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I like my coffee like I like my women Made by my mother.
A boyfriend says to his girlfriend, "Baby, you're kind of like Charles Barkley..." "...You've been on the team for so long and you're still not getting a ring! Happy Valentines day!"
How does a ninja shop for groceries? No one knows.
Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! Have some crunchy popcorn, noisy cup of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a parrot!
I don't eat some foods. -vagueans
What Do You Call A Policewoman Who Shaves Her Pubes? Cuntstubble
Why do electricians make good mediators? Because they're good at finding common ground.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you? A pool table.
As a kid my mom always told me to be loud like Helen Keller. I never thought of the fact that she was blind, deaf, and dumb.
A billionaire has a billion dollars. A millionaire has a million dollars. What do you call a person with ten dollars? A college student.
What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader ? A spooksman !
How can Euchre and Marriage be similar? Sometimes you start out all hearts and diamonds, but end up wishing you had a club and a spade.
I recently joined a group for ambidextrous people. It didn't feel right, so I left.
When I'm dead, I'm going to haunt offices and say, "OooOoo... why are you using your mouse?... hit Control-C... you're taking forever..."
What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate expert? A pork chop.
Rolls down car window. Throws caution to the wind. Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.
There is an animal a dog is always trying to find. Wolf.. Wolf .. Wolf ..
There are more Americans that have married Kim Kardashian than the number of Americans with Ebola.
BABY: WAAAAAAA- ME: Shhhh, it's okay. BABY: -AAAAAAAA- ME: shhhh.... BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI! ME: wtf BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Hitlers gonna hitl
21 afraid of 20 We all know why 6 was afraid of 7, but why was 21 terrified of 20? Because twenty-eight twenty-nine... (With profuse apologies.)
Why was christopher never in the same place? Because he's always Walken
Weird how people always die in groups of 3's... or 5's or 78's or however you group them cause there's lots of people & we all die.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Wanna know who I Netflix and Chilled with?
Coup attempt on Turkey from the rear Did Greece help?
Why have the French had so many civil wars so they can win one now and again
Did you watch that movie about wrestling? I heard it was very Cenamatic.
This is how clickbait works.
I just got off the phone with God. He's pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn't even know he exists.
A few days ago my girlfriend asked if I was a pedophile. I said "That's a very big word for a six year old".
i always struggle using sarcasm with kleptomaniacs they always take things. literally.
What girl's name is like a letter? Kay (K).
The Jewish Dilemma... Free Pork
Party host: Anyone here allergic to nuts? Because I like to rest mine on the table.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey
My mom says that you are what you eat. That's strange, because I haven't eaten any sexy beast recently...
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
What looks like red paint but is dry? Dried red paint
To you Star Trek fans: what does the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both search around Uranus for Klingons
Church A very enthusiastic book club.
I hate church with all the sitting, standing, and kneeling. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. Unless he wears Crocs. You just know he's a total douche jacket at that point.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? Works pretty well, doesn't it?
If 4 out of 5 suffers from Diarrhea Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Greatest Fears: -Sharks -Ebola -Bears -Bear Sharks -Bear Sharks with Ebola -Sharks with Lazers -Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Threw this on a chick last night On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
What flower loves to be in the sun? Sunflower.
The term 'Grammar Nazi' is outdated and offensive... ...we prefer to be called the Alt-Write
What kind of bees give milk? boobies
A lot of Americans don't realize that "Braveheart" is set in the 1970s. That's just how Scotland is. #culture
Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house? A. He uses "windows".
How come jokes about Blacks and Hispanics aren't funny? Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal
a Black man and a Mexican man falls off a cliff, which one lands first? Who cares.
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaay.
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaay!
What's the difference between a dirty bus terminal and a large-breasted crab? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
The test results came back, and Frodo's wife can't have a baby. She's non-hobbit forming.
Do Frenchmen like slides? OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIII!
No one is sure how much it cost Coke to sponsor the Paralympics, but it undoubtedly cost an arm and a leg.
Never get a cheap circumcision. It's a rip-off.
Anyone who says, "I have never been this offended in my life" has probably been that offended hundreds of times.
As an introvert, I love my wife. *wifi
What's the problem with an invisible penis? You never see it coming.
How is an easily-offended person like a broken GPS? They always take things the wrong way.
What is the highest point in Israel? Mountain Dew.
I like a good dark joke, because a bad one isn't funny.
Me: looks like taco bells closed, sign says short staff Dad: well damnit! They should have hired taller people!!
What device can make prostitution legal? A camera.
Why are Paris's streets lined with trees? German soldiers like to march in the shade.
What's every spider's dream job? A web designer.
What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him? Get off me holmes
I called my hospital to make an appointment today. The person who picked up answered, "Urology department, can you please hold?"
How many cuckolds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Somebody else does the screwing for 'em.
Yo mama is so fat.. When she goes to McDonalds and order 20 Burgers , 30 fries and 100 pieces of nuggets, they still ask her . "Having here or take away? ".
Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"
Fighting dumb people with irony is like throwing stones at tanks. You can do that, but you achieve nothing from it.
If my cat smoked weed it would be Meowi Wowee
Shipment of Viagra was stolen from new York harbor The cops are on the lookout for hardened criminals
what do you get when you call a subreddit "jokes" and have more than 21 000 readers? an average of 22 jokes a day. this is a fucking joke
Hows Donald Trump gonna get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.
Why did the Broadway star with a tiny butt get evicted? Because he was a little behind on Rent!
What does a dyslexic tiger and a bus driver have in common? A bus driver can't change his stops.
I'd never let my kids watch an orchestral performance. Too much sax and violins.
I'm thankful to live in a time where I can use social media without having to use social skills.
Officer: You were speeding. Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic. O: There Is no traffic. M: I am really far behind.
I never knew so many 14 year old rednecks used reddit... Then I found r/The_Donald
Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said "Satin". Oops.
What does a mentally disabled lizard said to be diagnosed with? A Reptile Dysfunction *ba dum tss* I'll be here all night folks
My credit card is like a fat persons scale It's maxed out
What foreplay does the praying mantis girlfriend enjoys ? Being given head.
Yoda: Why is five afraid of seven? Because six, seven eight...
What do you call the cross between an elephant and a rhino? 'Ell if I know.
Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence.. For example "Ben is in a hurry." "Ben is in a coma."
A feminist's view point. Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Feminist: The glass is being raped.
I have never turned down an offer to smell something
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Why are bad jokes like dead babies? Usually, something went wrong with the delivery.
You know what's the saddest part of North Korea getting hacked? It won't get to see this.
What do you call a cow that can't moo? A milk dud Credit to my 5 year old nephew
I don't mean to brag, but I'm extremely talented with my lips and tongue. *Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say. yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn't making itself. liars!
"Seize the day" in Latin is "Carpe Diem" ..."Seize the day" in Douchebag is "YOLO"
Snakes get a bad wrap I mean all they wanna do is hug you to death.
What part of a football ground is never the  same? The changing rooms!
What's a reporter's favorite food? Ice cream because they always want a scoop!
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My sex life (Dirty) My sex life is like the Kentucky Derby, four hours of foreplay, and only 90 seconds of real action
Hey girl are you from Tennessee? Because you look like your parents are related.
You must work at subway...cause you`re givin` me a foot long.
My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world. I told him to stop seeing things in black and white.
If you happen to be a dirt road, expect someone wearing a cowboy hat to write a song about you today.
From a Latin FAQ Q: In latin, when pairing foods with the verb **edo** ("I eat"), what case should you use? A: The om-nom-nominative.
What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? Every once in a while a Canoe would tip.
What's the best thing about twenty three year olds? There's twenty of them.
Facebook So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook. It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'...
99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.
What color were Hitler's shits? Eva Brown!
What did the underweight onion say to the garlic? No more light bulb jokes!
Someone with a girl friend should write this in their Valentines Day card I was going to buy you a car, but I knew you'd be disappointed if I didn't give you the D.
What does a guy who's self-conscious about his uncircumcised penis say to his barber? Just a little off the tip- I mean top.
The clinic asked me why I had written an incorrect blood type on my form I told them it was Typo
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge....Like by poisoning their food.
I was trying to find my flying drone Then it hit me
Why couldn't the whore house build a second story? To much fucking overhead
schrodinger's joke. It's funny and not funny at the same time, until you tell it to someone.
When people say they hate getting stuck in revolving doors: I tell them, "you'll come around eventually!"
If you're attacked by clowns... Go for the juggler.
How do you know accountants have no imagination? They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
Where would you find Percy Miller's toothbrush? In his Master P room.
American A man from Israel got his citizenship, I guess you could say he Israeli American now
Every husband is a farmer by default.. his survival solely depends on "Agree"culture
What is the difference between a terrorist hideout and a school? How should I know? I just fly the drones.
Q: Why were screams coming from the kitchen? A: The cook was beating the eggs.
What did a lemon with a lisp say to the juicer? Thtop taking the pith out of me!
I heard a great "This American Life" podcast about trolling Click bait.
Your password must contain an upper and lower case letter, two numbers and a bunch of symbols that look like comic strip swearing.
I told my dad I had diarrhea He said don't worry son it runs in your jeans
Management tip - only hire bald guys. They don't have anything going on besides work.
If you love something, set it free. If it scurries up a wall, spins a web, & eats insects, it was probably a beagle or hound of some sort.
I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.
Scarecrows love farming When I asked him why he loved farming so much he just said, "Hay, it's in my jeans."
So I had an exam today... ...luckily I remembered it was April Fools Day and wasn't about to get pranked by my professor. I'm not that gullible!
BOY: "Hi" GIRL: "I have a boyfriend" BOY: "I said Hi' not suck my d!ck"
The richest black man in NYC has got to be Duane Reade.
Wile E. Coyote's Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he's 9.
They say the average person has sex 82 times a year.... ......I guess I'm going to be busy as hell for the next four days.
The minute I even contemplate wearing a white shirt, 11 jars of salsa fall from the sky and spill on it and then it catches on fire
How do you make a Gorilla float? Two scoops of ice cream some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!
TIFU by getting on the wrong submarine Oops, wrong sub.
I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom. I'm a one night stand kind of man.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.
Why was the school grey? Because it was a Greyed School. I woke up with this joke in my head this morning. I think my brain is trying to kill me with horrible puns.
What's the difference between communism and capitalism? In the former, man exploits man, in the latter, it's exactly the opposite.
Wuts 9+10 Twenny wun
I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE". Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!
Somebody stole my Microsoft Office... Whoever did it will pay. You have my Word.
"He's a jerk. I'm over him anyway. (5 minutes later) Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!" -Women
Why can't horses fix merry go rounds? They'd be terrified
If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?
Me:Thank you, he's so hot I don't even know what I want to do first...Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation? "Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you" "Welcome. We're glad to have you"
My only goal in life is to be immortal So far, so good
what lies dead, a hundred feet in the air? a dead centipede
My wifes birthday My wife asked me for something that went from 0-200 insanely fast. Bought her a pair of scales
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now
My Grandfather I'll never forget my grandfather's last words.. "Are you sure you're holding the fucking ladder?"
When I date single moms, I tell the kids "I'm just trying to fill the hole left by your father;
I wonder if Bruce Jenner got wished a happy Mother's Day. Title
How do you unlock a monastery door? With a monk key.
What's the definition of a Parapet? Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
I heard OJ Simpson was getting married again. He's gonna take another stab at it.
I can beatbox. I can beatbox with my ass, But it sounds like shit.
Be sure to empty your pockets before doing your laundry You could get in trouble for money laundering.
Had to pick my son up from school today He got caught being wanked off under the desk by someone in his class for the 3rd time this week! I said "son, maybe teaching isn't the job for you!"
A blonde gets a tattoo... On her inner thigh of a conch shell. Her friend asks "Why a conch shell, and why there of all places?" "So that when you put your ear against it, you can smell the ocean."
A dentist goes to another dentist to fix a cavity. When his dentist started to explain the procedure, he stopped him and said, "Don't worry, I know the drill."
Woops! Accidentally hit "reply all" when I only meant to tell one co-worker to kill himself.
Did you hear that Darth Vader made some toast? It was a little on the dark side.
What do you call a girl that gives head in the shower? Brainwashed.
Who is the only man to record more knock outs than Mike Tyson? Bill Cosby
What happened to the lost cattle? Nobody's herd.
How many people who subscribed to r/The_Donald does it take to screw in a light bulb? Obviously more than one because it's still dark in their mother's basement.
Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
A prostitute worked her shift on a Saturday. Approximately eight fucks were given that day.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
What's the worst part about season 1 of Lost? The *pilot* episode.
Which fruit can never get married? Melons, because they can'telope.
Why did the white girl die of alkalosis? Because she was too basic
The Terminator would have been better if they'd cast Jim Parsons. "Bazinga" is so much better than "I'll be back."
What building has the most stories? A library.
A girl tells a guy that she can't get pregnant... ...turns out that he wasn't lying.
Your options when you want to backup your data... If you want to backup your data, you've got only 2 options. NAS or NSA.
This guy was so computer illiterate... When told to turn on a computer, he asked where he's supposed to rub it. :P
What is the difference between a man and a cat? One eats a lot, is lazy and doesnt care who brings the food. The other is a pet.
I have a boat that beats all other boats in races... ... It's a champion ship.
A kid came to my door last night for trick-or-treat dressed as a pirate... I asked him, "where are your buckaneers?" He replied, "on the side of my buck'en head."
A guy buys some condoms... A guy is buying a box of condoms at the store. After paying the clerk, the clerk asks him "Do you want a paper bag with that?" He replies, "Nah, she's not that ugly."
Robin and Batman Robin: Knock Knock Batman:Who's there? Robin:NOT YOUR PARENTS!
Today marks 365 days of sobriety. 364 more to go
I can't wait to jump on my kids' beds at 5am on Mother's Day, and holler "WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?"
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Joffrey Baratheon ? Trump is older.
Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because she can't find the eleven.
The worst part of eating vegetables getting them out the wheelchair
I used to live in Oklahoma... It was OK
How do you cure the bird flu versus swine flu? One you use tweetment and the other, oinkment
[dad training] TRAINER: im hungry ME: ok lets ea- TRAINER: [stares] ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad
Some people get their friends to do their bidding by offering favors or compensation. I just threaten to throw their iPhones in the toilet.
Why do black people eat tootsie rolls with a fork? So they don't bite their fingers
GREEK JOKE TRANSLATED -BRUSH &amp; D- She confused the brush with a dick. Until this day, it makes me wonder, how can she brush her hair with a dick?
How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters? Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
My friend wanted to hear a really long poop joke. So I told him to sit down because it would take a while.
What country makes the most milk? Nepal
From grandma: Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In memory of all the faces that were buried there.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? because fuck you thats why.
I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.
*sleepy* *so sleepy* *SO SO sleepy* *brush my teeth* WIDE AWAKE.
Tolkein in puns Is a very bad hobbit.
Me...Lazy? Don't get me started!
I just used "volumizing" shampoo for the first time.... Everything sounds the same.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand Binary and those who don't. *Edit: "If you have to explain the joke, there is no joke." - Joker*
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega sore ass
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss's emails with "Heyyyy you!"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison
Why didn't the approaching black hole concern the astronaut? He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
Americans may be ignorant of other cultures... But at least we invented the hamburger
[NSFW] What do male pornstars and miners have in common? They both specialise in drilling 'ores.
Have you ever played AD Soraka? It's bananas!
Did you mean pacific or specific? Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.
A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash... Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!" HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby? 300 degrees in the oven.
A man goes to the doctor and says; Patient: wow, this has to be the smallest doctor's office in the world. Doctor: Get the f*** out of here! I'm taking a shit!
Me: What's your dad do? Kid: My dad? He's an actor Me: Why? Couldn't you get a real dad?
My dad just text me, "I'm fleeing the cuntry." I'm like, "Wtf does that mean". His reply? "Your mom."
I finally threw away my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it. -I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I had to change the battery in my clock. It was about time.
Ugly girls shouldn't be allowed to get pretty girl tattoos. Like instead of butterflies they should have to get pterodactyls.
Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.
Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals -Sent from your iPhone.
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christ ler
Yo mama's so stupid she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.
Is there any upside to living in Switzerland?? The flag is a big plus.
What do you say when you're comforting a grammar nazi? There,Their,They're
There's a band called 1023 MB. They haven't had a gig yet.
What did one snowman say to the other? ...do you smell carrots?
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Why don't you remove those barriers to imports? It will ease my inflation and the benefits will trickle down.
Wives are magicians They can turn anything into an argument.
What do you call the worst Dr. who graduated from the worst med school? Dr.
The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.
News flash: Vandals destroy street signs They pulled out all the stops
i think when there's a new viral thing and instead of checking it out you're like "eh who cares i bet it's dumb" that's Internet Adulthood
Have you heard Justin Bieber's song about blood types? It goes: "A, B, AB, AB, OOOOOOO"
That went swimmingly And I can't swim.
How do you know when your best friend is gay? When his dick tastes like shit
What's ISIS favourite meal? Turkey! Its the bomb!
What do you get when you mix a helicopter and a rhino? Hell if I know.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond Bond: You don't remember my 1st name do you Villain: Sure I do. It's uh.. Bond: C'mon this is our 3rd fight
What's the difference between a pig and a ham sandwich? You can get a prosecutor to indict the ham sandwich.
A&amp;P is in bankruptcy, and Stop &amp; Shop is buying some of their stores. They'll be called Stop &amp; P.
Dudes don't like it when you ask if their salmon-colored pants are wild or farm-raised
They say god dosn't give people they can't handle. Except cancer.
Yesterday, my dog was humping my leg So stupid, had to show him where my butthole was.
How did one pothead greet the other? High
If you read the entire dictionary technically you've read every book but out of order.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
You know you're getting old when A fart throws out your back
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I got circumcised on the NHS Which means the operation was free, you just leave a tip
"BUT WE'RE DATING!" the blonde screams, "I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND." "You were" Hefner chuckles. "Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."
The euthanasia has decreased in China since 1980. Because of the introduction of the "one-child policy."
If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.
The walk of shame: When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did; in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the other people in his car.
What happened to the runny nose... it tripped and fell. Now it's all boogered up.
I want to take my dream girl on a traction engine ride Things will get steamy pretty quickly.
[text] Her: I picked up buffalo wings. Me: * moves furniture around * rolls out plastic sheeting
Sex is similar to math. You need to add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope to god you don't multiply.
Take a deep breath. Good. Now count to 10. Right. Now slap someone in their face. Nice. Feel better?
Shhhhh! I can't hear about how God spoke to you! I'm busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago? Because 'Illinois you!
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
Wife: What did you get me for Mother's Day? 3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it? 3: You haven't made it yet.
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don? [I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
my penis was in the Guinness book of world records for some reason the librarian didn't like it and threw me out:(
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
What do you call a butt-naked person on the moon? An Ass-tronaut
John Lennon: Imagine all the people Me: Ok but this is extremely boring
How do you stop the protests in Charlotte? Sing the nation anthem they will sit down
Close the door. You're letting the wifi out.
Is that a cop behind me? No, just a car with a bike rack. Or maybe it's an undercover cop with a bike rack? -Weed
I went to an atom party last night. It was crazy, but in the middle of the party a couple splitted up and the party exploded!
Two men were chatting in a bar "So what do you do?" "I write" "Oh, poetry or prose?" "Neither, I write cartoons" "Why's that?" "No rhyme or reason"
Why is divorce so expensive? ... because it's worth it.
What do you get when you mix a hamburger with Guinness. A hamburger paddy.
Whats the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds? There's twenty of them
Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who tried to fuck a clock? He heard time was relative.
How do you trap a polar bear? Dig a hole in the ice, and line the edge with peas. Then, when the polar bear comes along to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
Madonna goes on her arse, To much Material Girl ..
What's the best part about having a dog lick peanut butter off your balls? Finishing.
What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence? I don't know, and I don't care one way or the other.
What can't a man with no arms break? His fall.
Did you hear the one about Dorian Gray's stool sample? That shit NEVER gets old.
If Trump replaces Obama as president, Then it will be the first time a white billionaire moves into government subsidized housing after a black family moved out. Edit: Billionaire
I want to reenact a scene from 50 Shades of Gray.... Y'know the one where she gets a job right out of college.
Try this at the bars, guaranteed 18% success rate: You: Do you have a permit to carry that? Her: Carry what? You: DAT ASS! Then issue a citation with your phone # on it.
My collegue just threw my punch card at me, I ducked just in time!!! But I almost got clocked out!
What do you call 7 white guys sitting on a bench? The nba
A man and a boy are walking through the woods.. The boy turns to the man and says, "these woods sure are scary." The man turns to him and says, "you're telling me, I have to walk back alone."
I suppose I should be thankful that I'm a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
There should be a support group for people who have touched a wet door knob in a public bathroom.
Science brought us to the moon.. while religion only brought us to some skyscrapers.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on . . . I said," You're pulling my leg."
I'm sorry you lost the weightlifting competition. Would you like a pick me up?
Which two letters are rotten for your teeth?  D K
Why did the cultists adopt a dead child? They wanted to raise the dead.
If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.
Sometimes this earth seems so crazy to me. But I guess I should expect it from a bipolar planet.
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? In a BMW, the prick is on the inside.
Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don't already spend enough time in there with us.
You know, I really didn't need to scratch my balls today at all. Not once - said no man EVER
I cleaned my wood floors with furniture polish and now I'm a pretty pretty ice dancer.
Call me a stun gun Because I'm going to shock you with a bad joke.
What do you call a gay cop in a glory hole? [NSFW] Pulled Pork.
Passport pictures make you look exactly how you feel just before that much needed vacation.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking... and then I saw her face...
My local movie theater was robbed of $200 last night. They stole a tub of popcorn, two sodas and a box of Milk Duds.
What kind of bees do female ghosts have to deal with? Dead ones, you guys. Dead ones.
GENIE: you have three wishes. ME: sweet, I wish for pie. GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I found out today that I was adopted. But they returned me.
Did you hear some people are saying listening to Queen causes autism? Apparently it's because of the unusually high Mercury content.
How to annoy ISIS Call them Daesh
"Why can't I just eat the wax?" ~me, when I can't open the cheese
What did the millionaire's friend say when a person made fun of his watch just rolex man
I gave an elderly hare viagra but it died I guess old rabbits die hard
Why are there so many jumpshots in the WNBA? Because women can't drive
What's the difference between reddit gold and the Greek drachma? People usually thank you for giving them reddit gold.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it's raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? It's easy to roast beef...
My mum asked me if I had taken my lizard for a walk... ... I told her I was goanna do it later.
Jokes about white sugar are rare, but brown sugar? Demerara Source: [This tweet](https://twitter.com/OFalafel/status/428595146905886720) by [@OFalafel on Twitter](https://twitter.com/OFalafel).
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites and so does she.
My "it's cold outside" post just went viral on Facebook.
I wanted to be a politician... But then I realized that I couldn't fit my entire head up my ass.
What do you call a /u/LegitLizard that can't move? A /u/LegitLizard with e_reptile_ dysfunction!
Why do so many new brides get crow's feet as soon as they're married? From squinting and saying, "Suck what?"
*Pays $450 for ticket to hockey game. *spends the whole game on iPhone.
How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes? Like a Bosch!
What do you call... What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? A doyouthinkhesawus (saurus)!
When I was a child I could go into a shop with just a pound, and come out with 3 bars of chocolate, 2 cans of coke and a magazine. But these days, fucking CCTV everywhere.
awesome jokes guys keep em coming As a single father, I love browsing this subreddit so when I see my wifes kids once a month I have a lot of epic jokes to tell them. Keep em coming!
Saw this one in my maths class Student: Sir I'm cold! Teacher: Go and stand in the corner then. Student: Why would I do that? Teacher: Because it's 90 degrees over there.
Whats the difference between two dicks and a joke? Your Mom can't take a joke.
If a tree falls down in the woods and nobody is around to hear it... Then hipsters would buy the soundtrack.
I just finished writing a Broadway musical about the dictionary. It's the ultimate play on words.
A Jewish man gets hit by a car... in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital the paramedic asks "are you comfortable?" the Jewish man shrugs. "I make a living."
How do you stop volcanoes from erupting? Give them earth control pills*!* heh heh heh...
What do you call closet Purge ?
My father once told me... .... to go outside and jump on a trampoline... except I didn't hear the 'oline'
What's the difference between a baby and a pound of coke? Eric Clapton would never drop a pound of coke.
This morning I made my coffee with an energy drink instead of water. Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage.
[several months ago] BEYONCE: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby JAY-Z: How many we got BEYONCE: One JAY-Z: Not a problem
Forget the wheel.... ...Jesus take my final!
I Messed up a Customer's Sandwich Order Today... Oh shit, nevermind, wrong sub
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Eye-deer
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
TIL that Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack, quack."
Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle? It wants to keep it's Stockholm!
What did Ahab yell out to Moby Dick as it swam away? Catch you later!
How do you kill a Mormon? Bore them to death.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene] *they all gasp* That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Reports just in that the police have seized a Catholic Priest's computer. They claim that they are looking for a certain file. A .PDO file if you will.
They say you are what you eat.. But I don't remember eating a PATHETIC FAILURE.
Baby snake (OC) What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom? A momma's boa.
Describe yourself in 3 words I am a rebel
I don't think Flounder I caught today was very happy with me. He was looking at me kinda sideways.
What has 10 letters and starts with gas? "automobile"
We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
Why is an Alabama divorce like a tornado? One way or the other someone is losing a trailer.
I'm going to donate these clothes I don't wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic? They both like to crack open a cold one
Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor... "Make me one with everything"
How do you get a philosophy major off of your porch? Pay for the pizza.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp's life had to be that she included "doorbells" on her list of favorite things
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid to have a lentil on me.
Is there a shorter word for monosyllabic? Credit: Stephen Wright
Who is the most cowardly knight in all the land? Sir Ender
In the winter time, where does the North Korean Soccer team practice? Inside or outside? Trick question. They don't have any heat so it doens't matter.
My first act as ruler of the universe would be changing the week to: Sunday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the kid. Hey kid, you wanna buy some candy?
Gregor Mendel's wife asks him why he is always working so much. He says: Bitch, peas
How did the psychiatrist break his leg? He had a Freudian slip.
So I gave a Friar a joint.... He's a High Priest now...
"What's your favourite Pixar film?", my dad asked I replied, "Up, yours?" My dad gave me a weird look and said, "No need to be like that, I was only asking."
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn't die. Now I'm just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My girlfriend said I was too controlling ... and it wasn't her turn to speak.
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.
All men are the same This phrase was invented by a Chinese woman who lost her husband in the crowd.
Two guys talking "Tell me , have you ever been awakened by a blowjob?" "No ,i always sleep with my mouth shut."
"Seed Faith" Televangelists
Boss rushes frantically into manager's office... "Hey, have you been screwing my assistant?" "No!" "Great! Then YOU fire her."
I'm torn about whether masturbation is good or not On one hand it feels really good
When you're in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn't slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Third time's a charm... Is a much darker phrase in Germany
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A is for apple B is for bear C is for candy D is for your mom
So, Thor is going to be female from now on. I bet Chris Hemsworth wishes he'd paid more attention to the small print when signing that Avengers contract
So there are two... There are two muffins in the oven, one muffin says to the other on, "it's getting hot in here". The other one says.. "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday? He's trying to age disgracefully!
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Did you hear about the philosophical gunman? He blew people's minds.
Why were the baker's hands smelly? He kneaded a poo
Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it's true that zombies won't eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and one guy was all "Let's dial that back a bit."
Two bats are hanging on the branch... -What was your worst day? -When I had diarrhea.
Hey gurl, how about you make the Patriots and deflate these balls.
How to make a Trump sandwich White bread Lots of baloney Russian dressing And a small pickle
One time a girl tried sleeping with me for adderall... She was a total attention whore.
the bible is an attempt to mansplain our existence
What did a lesbian frog tell another lesbian frog? Damm, we do taste like chicken!
What do you say to the Montana barista when they overfill your chamomile? Beautiful
Nerdy/Geekyt Jokes
The Yin and Yan of Life Life at begining of month: I am the king. let me buy some castles and build an empire Life at month's end: Do I really need two kidneys?
it's not abuse if the substance likes it.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
Fat people. You can't run, but you can't hide either.
My daughter doesn't understand why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house this morning. Filled her sippy with rum so we're on the same page.
So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?
You know why no one ever flunks out of Porn School? Everyone has to take a "D" on the final exam.
I have 2 eyes and can't see, but millions of eyes on me. What am I? NFL Referee
I couldn't get past first base with the native girl she had her reservations
If you hold a SUV up to your ear, you can almost hear the sound of the ocean screaming.
I tossed my friend Sierra a can of pop Sierra Mist
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.
Baby you're so cute you made my page 404.
"I find pleasure in the little things"... ...Said the pedofile to the court.
Chuck Norris keeps his pillow under his gun.
What hand do you wipe with? Answer: left or right Response: why not use toilet paper?
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker? Your job still sucks
What time of day are you not able to find your watch? 4:04
[NSFW] A good crime sentence is... ...be made to fuck a ratchet
Why were the ancient Greeks considered so brave on the battlefield? They didn't want to leave their brothers behind.
A message from a Canadian to all Americans out there.. I'm sorry
Something I like to do when I'm voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, "What did you put for number 3?"
"look, if it's no fancy dress then the funeral invite should have specified no fancy dress. And besides, your aunt loved minions"
What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon every year? About tennish.
I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor. Even my blood is a Type O!
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
You want to hear a funny joke? I said hear not read, you fuck.
Why can't Black Beard use the N-word? He always says it with a hard "arrr."
Thank goodness for wide, paved road shoulders that important people like me are entitled to use during traffic jams.
I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but... I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.
"Daddy , how do stars die ?" "Drugs , usually"
Hard to believe the American flag is truly patriotic when the American flag itself doesn't wear an American flag pin.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a crisis?
In Israel, we just want peace. A piece of Jordan, a piece of Egypt, a piece of Lebanon...
The difference between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee? Why does Chuck Norris have a lot of jokes but Bruce Lee doesn't? Because Bruce Lee is no joke...
Why do they call it a Wonderbra? Because you take it off and wonder where their tits went.
*returns tent to Target* CASHIER: What was the problem? ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I won't block you, but I will put a curse on you that you'll never be able to finish a sneeze ever again for the rest of your life.
Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I'm a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Porn If you can't join em,.beat it.
What is a Roman wrestlers favorite meal? JOHN CENA
Who makes a million dollars a day? Someone who works in a mint.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair!
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis
I'm flying to NYC today and I don't care what the flight attendant says, I will be using my seat cushion as a fartation device.
What do you call a group of 5 guys named Curtis that are all wearing matching suits? A Curtis-y flush
TIFU By Mixing up my Client's Subway Order! Whoops, wrong *sub*!
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa* You crazy? Security will hear us Security: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING Security: ALRIGHT
lawyer talking under his breath: "guiltypeoplesaywhat?" suspect: what? lawyer: no further questions your honor
When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling "DO NOT FEAR ME" very loudly
Game Teacher: Peter, why r u late for school again? Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football &amp; the game went into extra time.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don't feel like going to the gym anymore...
What do reddit and Playboy magazine have in common? No one actually reads the articles.
Jail isn't supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?
Facebook is essentially a machine that eats time and shits thumbs.
What do you call a bad pun? Punishment.
Why does the letter A look like a flower? Because Bs like flowers.
Why did the 16 year old girl get pregnant? She went to Jared.
Why do women and children evacuate first in an emergency? So the men can go on Reddit and repost this joke.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said Are you going to help?' I said No, six should be enough.'
How does Harry Potter get down the stairs? By walking. J.K. Rowling...
What do you call 0.33333333333 of a shit? A turd.
Why couldn't the monk who flew a helicopter understand the monk who flew commercial jets? Because he was on a higher plane.
A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint in the English Channel. 32 sailors have been marooned
I was kicked out of the military because I got gonorrhea It was a dishonorable discharge
A barman is complaining about all the weird customers he's been getting lately... Then a half naked man walks in with a huge number 19 tattooed on his body. "There... that's a prime example"
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Someone was told me that they were an actor. I told them I wanted coconut milk in my chai latte.
Why shouldn't you buy trousers from northern Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out.
What does Sigmund Freud say comes between fear and sex? funf (it helps if you say it out loud, and understand German) :-)
What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave? Namaste
Police: How did they break in? Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it? Me: They threw it through the window.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them...
Anybody heard about that new drug for lesbians? Trycoxagain
What looks like grass but is red? grass, i lied about the red part
I always get "never shake a baby" and "cats always land on their feet" mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.
I was never into long-distance masturbation... But now look how far I've come!
Why did the vegetable kill himself? He didn't carrot all.
What's the difference between Whitney Houston and my car? My car can hit 50
What do you call a horny square? Erectangle
Over all these years, you'd think I'd remember how important the "L" in clock is...especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad's.
Compromising with your woman doesn't mean you are wrong & she is right.  It only signifies that sex is more important  than your ego.
My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control. I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?
"how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode" - creator of zebras
What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same
Chuck Norris doesn't flush, he scares the crap out of it.
Two 5th graders are doing Math homework. One tells the other, "I don't know what 99 is in Roman numerals." The other lowers her glasses and says, "IC."
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains. It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Where do baby robotic vacuums come from? The Woomba I'll show myself out.
I don't know why I thought Palm Sunday had something to do with masturbation. My apologies to those waiting to use the confessional.
I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, "mind if I join?"
Black guys and white guys never have more in common than when they're being yelled at in public by their girlfriends.
The gun range is great practice for being attacked by a paper target.
What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water? I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
On a scale from one to one hundred, how mature are you? 69.
Bernie Sanders is a true socialist He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.
Facebook should change its name to Acquaintance Birthday Reminder
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Whatr do you get when you have communist lemons? LENIN-NADE. Just smack me.
I feel like I've had this mustard before...... it must be Dijon Vu
I once bought a hamster And told it to shank my sister. When it didn't, I shanked her myself, with my dick.
In St. Louis right now, thought this was appropriate: How many black people does it take to start a riot? -1
Dis earing letters? There's an 'app' for that.
Everytime I see a chinese guy, I always think I've seen him somewhere else. - a tourist in Shanghai or anywhere in the world.
In case you wondered what married life is like, my wife is yelling at me for making her forget why she was yelling at me.
Look, if you didn't want to go to prison you should've started a war or destroyed the economy. But you downloaded a movie, you felon
What did the unemployed hippie say when his dad told him to get a job. Namaste Jah bless.
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and they will never notice. Call her ugly once and she'll never forget. Because elephants never forget.
Poker Face. But I barely know her!
I tried a beer this weekend brewed with rabbit... It was a bit too hoppy for my taste.
Whose fault is it that California always has earthquakes? San Andreas fault.
Saw Marshawn Lynch at the eye clinic a few days ago. He told me he was just there so he won't get blind.
I was dating a midget but it didn't work out. My parents and friends looked down on her. Bonus: It was a short relationship.
Fitbits are the selfies of exercise.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.
On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.
What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather ? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain !
What do u call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto
I was asked how I view lesbian relationships Apparently 'in HD' isn't the correct answer.
So I went to the pharmacy the other day I went in and bought a box of condoms. The cahsier asked me whether I wanted a bag? I said no thanks, she's not that ugly.
If there's something weird in lands beyond the Wall and it don't look good Who you gonna call? Nine Wun Wun
Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won't be like before.
Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well? Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said "Tom is sleeping with the fishes."
It must be 1929... Because my econ homework has me in a severe depression.
"i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you're my only hope" "use divorce, luke"
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobees
What's a dragon's favorite snack? A firecracker!
If "you are what you eat" Why is cannibalism considered to be inhuman?
Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia? Because it's pretty basic stuff.
What do Afghan stoners smoke? Hindu Kush
Yo mama's so fat... ... that if you walk too close to her, you'll go into orbit.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
no one knows where the sky starts. "here?" wonders one scientist, her hand just above her head. "how about here" says another, crouching.
Collection There was some guy collecting the waste from the urinals at work today. I think he was taking the piss to be honest.
When she said "I think we got way too much pizza." I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Have you guys seen the Hitler biopic starring Mike Tyson? I just watched it and I don't think Mike really got his character down. He kept saying he hated juice.
American Apparel has really cornered the market on the modern, independent date rape victim.
Pretty sure that "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory" is the kid's version of "Saw".
A wine tasting? Where people SPIT OUT precious wine?! Sure, maybe we could go to the humane society and watch them put puppies to sleep too.
What is the difference between ice and dry ice ? Dry ice lacks of water.
The One Ultimate Secret to Creating Clear Headlines that will make other joke-tellers hate you. Corduroy Pillow Case.
Jesus was definitely a black man. He never once saw his father
What to you get if you cross a parrot with an  elephant ? An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !
Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis. Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her. Edit: unnecessary words
Did you hear the joke about jello? Took a while to set in but it sure gave me a jiggle
Why is 6 afraid of 7? 7 is black.
What do you call a camel in Alaska? Lost.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere. I sat back and watched it all unfold.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? He'll always like R.... But his true love is the C
What kind of phone does The Flash use? Not an iPhone because Apple doesn't support flash
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy? Me: I mustard the troops. General: ... Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Defending why he has a dislike of gay guys... Ok look I know they're not all bad but you have to admit they hang around a lot of assholes.
What is One Direction's favorite place to eat? Five Guys
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
A forest fire is the world's way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Don't make me drop my bean curd... ... or I'll lose my tempeh.
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach  the tide comes in!
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? "Where's my tractor."
I've been in this air conditioner duct long enough to have forgotten if I'm the good guy or the bad guy in this building.
Why are Sharks the only species that get their own week? I'd totally watch hermit crab week if they had one.
Q: What does a computer eat when it's hungry? A: Chips -- one byte at a time.
How does King Arthur take his pills? An African or European swallow
What is the longest word in the english language? SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
What was David Bowie's last hit? Probably Morphine
"So You've Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?" That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I knew a story about a midget communist prostitute... ...it was called "Little red riding hook"
2 Egyptians noticed their farts smelled the same. They had a Tutankhamen.
It's not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones I had to show my contempt by grunting
What do you call an Arab man who drives a bus? A bus driver.
The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
What rhymes and let's you instantly know a redditor is a moron? Purple circle. /r/thebutton
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
What's the worst part about getting AIDS? Having to tell your friend his kids should get tested.
It's getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don't want you to get dehydrated. -Nervous Nelly
How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I'm unsure of
Whats the fastest way to cut down a tree? Suh Dude
What did one condom say to the other at a gay bar? Let's get shitfaced!
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a  sleeping bag before.
Let us not forget what today is The day will smith saved us from Aliens
The Chinese just announced their iPhone 5 ripoff... ...it's called the iPhoney.
Math and meth sound the same but one is a life ruiner and the other one is meth.
Why did the toilet want to start a rebellion? Because he was a slave to the cistern!
As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle
I got caught stealing paint. I thought I hid it pretty well, but I was caught red handed.
Why did the kidnapped clock always read 12:00? His hands were tied.
How can you make seven even? Take away the letter S.
What do Alan Turing and a well-mixed solution have in common? They're both homo-genius.
The ladies in my knitting club think it's hilarious when I greet them by saying, "Sup, my knittas?!"
*romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*
After I drink coffee I like to show the empty mug to my friends... We work in IT and I tell them that I have successfully installed JAVA. They kind-of hate me.
Being the life of the party doesn't mean being the whore of the night.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? It felt like bacon.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It's when you procrastinate before even receiving a task...
I haven't used algebra in 3x-q years
What do you call four drowning Mexicans? Cuatro Sink-O
Something good did come out of last night: I talked to my mom and my fiancee on the phone while they were crying- and it wasn't about something I'd done!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager? She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
How do you kill a circus troupe? Go for the juggler.
newfie joke How did the newfie injure himself raking leaves? He fell out of the tree
did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans.
[NSFW] What's the difference between a sex doll and a store mannequin? Persistence.
I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot... The bartender says, "Wow! That is really cool! Where did you get it?" "Africa", says the parrot.
Probably the Grossest Joke I Know How do Vampires Make Tea? Used Tampons
This florist doesn't even know anything about floors, and he's acting like I'm the stupid one!
Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients. Sorry.
*THUD* "What was that?" "My pants fell down." "...Why so loud?" "I'm wearing them."
How many stuttering Mexicans does it take to crash a server? D--Dos
old people love to comment on news stories "these are sad times we're living in" like humans only recently started being pieces of shit
2 potatoes standing on the side of the road. How can you tell which one is the hooker? The one wearing the sack that reads IDAHO
I'm going to keep using 'penis' as a verb until someone lets me penis them.
How do you confuse a gay person? Seven
Why did the chickens cross the road? Because they were Turkish.
After Oprah lost all that weight....... .....she was just a Phantom of the Oprah!
You know you've got a real fatty in bed when her boobs taste like deodorant
How do you get milk from a witch's cat?  Steal her saucer.
What do you call a Maxican migdet? A paragraph because their not a full ese
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a  perfect unison? A: Shoot one.
Hey Joseph, Why you Stalin?
A chicken walks into a bar... Chicken: got any chicken food? Bartender: Nope, thats across the road. That answers that question
There's 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
"Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you're trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train." - My Dad
Did you hear about the 'Flock of Seagulls' fan who shot himself? [OC] Apparently the gun had a hair trigger.
Give a teen a basketball and he would have fun for a day Give a blind man a basketball and he would read it like a book
My biological clock is wheezing.
"Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep." -Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.
Dude just knocked on my door... selling raffle tickets for black orphans, I said fuck that, with my luck I'd probably win one.
My wife wants pay equality.... I told her I would do 1 better and gave her $1 to mow the grass.
My wife sent me to the shop to buy a butternut squash then got annoyed when I came back with three items. (credit: Sean Lock)
Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said "Let's put a simile on that face!"
I test my smoke alarm batteries by burning the fuck out of everything I cook.
What's long, hard, and has cum in it? Cucumber you nasty bastard
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
How Many Dragonball Z Characters Does it Take to Screw in a Light-bulb? just one, but it will take 4 episodes.
hundred times Old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."
"I loves hows you've done me spinach Doc!" Popeye tells his host. Hannibal winks. "The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil."
Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun... ... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy
I hope "citibank" is better at math than spelling.
I'm sad because I don't have an Xbox. Someone console me.
I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day... .. and I yelled "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" Both of them ran away.
Give a man a six pack and he'll drink for a day. Give him a 24 pack and he'll drink for a day.
Drunk. In Wal Mart. Fuck.
the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian
Why does the baker bake? Because he kneads the dough.
What's the difference between hanging with friends and jacking it on the toilet? One means you're taking a load off and shooting the shit, the other is taking a shit and shooting a load off.
Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."
where did Marry go after the explosion? everywhere
Wife: Am I grotesque? Me: No, angel cake! Wife: Why did you call me a cake? Me: Cake is round? *runs *
Why are the news media like a prostitute? Because they are good at making stuff up.
Once, just once in my life, I'd love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper I'm hunting wabbits.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
A woman said to her husband: "Tie me and I'll let do what you want" Then, he tied her and slept with the maid
Investment fail In college, an ounce of heady weed was the same price as an ounce of gold. I made terrible investments and now I'm a dog walker.
Who is 50 feet tall, has a blue ox and kills co-eds? Ted Bunyan.
What did Sting say to his proctologist? Don't stand so close to me.
To make a delicious omlette... you must be an eggspert.
Why did the shark go to the doctors? Because he didn't feel very whale
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their biggest hits were the wall.
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute. ... her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute". Then the mom says "Thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"
Why does Pinnochio always get an erection when he's in a forest? Because he has a woodpecker!
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone. I'll prove her wrong when I find it.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
"BEST WEEKEND EVER!" ~ The same stupid bitch on Facebook, at least twice a month...
Thought for the day: is Taylor Swift's song We are never getting back together' actually about her legs ?
What did Cesar say when the people of Rome wanted to re-empower the Tribune? Oh, Plebes.
Where does monty python buy his water? From the knights Da-sa(y)-NI! This joke is best delivered verbally.
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? A boy scout comes back from his camp.
A white male walks into a bar... Huehuehuehuehue
So Pete Rose is allowed back in Baseball, huh.... Pete...Pete.....Pete. Those rednecks love Pete. He's the white man's OJ but with less murder and robbery.
Girl, you put the sexy in dyslexia.
What do you call something that is big, red, and sucks cock? A big red cocksucker.
I had to fire my tennis doubles partner today. I told him his services were no longer required.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo* "May divorce be with you" "What?" "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I'd make it fun"
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I'm looking for the thumbs-down button.
What is it called when you think you see a popstar in the desert? It's a Nicki Mirage.
Batman should teach girls about periods in school... "Tell me, do you bleed?... You will."
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change
Baby, let's configure our hard drives in master and slave position.
What happens when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
How do you make Bengay? Squeeze his tube.
HER: I love Deadpool ME: I love Dead Pool HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too? ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?
What's better than Chrisopher Walken? Ted Danson.
Why don't the circus lions eat the clowns? They taste funny!
A survey asked me if I was dyslexic I checked the option for "sye."
Know why New Yorkers are so cynical? For them, the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Items that are made from velcro... Are such a rip-off.
Just got some good news from my financial planner ...she told me I'd only have to keep working 3 years after I die to afford my retirement.
"Oh great! Just great!" --guy showing up to the beach with a bunch of sand
At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.
Gay Necrophelia "well I don't see anything wrong with gay necrophelia," said bob, in dead earnest.
Never trust atoms... ...they make up everything.
A Jewish boy walks up to his dad... A Jewish boy walks up to his dad and says "hey dad! Can I borrow fifty dollars? His dad says "forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
What are terrorists taught in math class? Jihadmetry. What do they learn about? ISISciles triangles.
Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates :)
How do make a Kia twice as valuable? Fill up the tank
Me: I have no friends My bed: Wow I'm like right here
If you're an American in the living room what are you in the bathroom? European.
Ever hear the joke about the 3 Irish guys who left the pub? No? Neither have I.
Gotta hand it to babies... ...because their short, stupid little arms can't reach anything
"Sir your resume says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a resume?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."
*job interview* "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface."
What did the band Weezer say about the nudist beach? All the mammaries made me want to go back there!
If Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Justin Bieber were in an elevator with me and I only had two bullets, I would... ..wonder why I didn't bring a fucking gun!
Truth: My 85yr old grandmother's answering machine says, "I'll call you back when I want to, if I want to." Heroes are all around us.
How do you catch a refrigerator? Well then you better go catch it! Hahaaa
Fred: "I can't believe Ben is in the hospital. Just yesterday, I saw him with a gorgeous blonde." Bob: "So did his wife."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? About a hundred bucks an hour.
Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't fuckin know, maybe if you didn't run him over we could ask him.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe. Sachets away.
What do you call a man that stabs many packets of Cornflakes? A Cereal Killer.
I hope Jeremy Corben is successful in his new chosen career! I didn't really rate him as a comedian, he was especially bad in The Wrong Man's.
What do you call those things on either side of an old lady's belly button? Her tits
How accurate is the Bible? 100% at short range
In case I ever doubted my status as an American, being able to buy girl scout cookies on my way out of the gym was a heady reminder.
Three social media news article writers walk into a bar You won't believe what happens next.
The other day I was laying down a carpet... ...and my friend Speedy Gonzales was helping me. At one point I said, "Have I missed anything, Speedy?" And Speedy says, "Underlay, underlay!"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bingo ! Bingo who ? Bingo'ng to come and see you for ages !
Then outermost layer of your skin is mostly dead cells, so congratulations you're dead on the outside as well as the inside.
My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.
Reddit Jokes section is not racist.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[First date] "So, do you have any pets?" Yeah, I have a pet crow. He's white. "You have an albino crow?" He prefers the term cawcasian.
What do you call a pilot who tries to tell a joke but gets distracted and crashes his plane into a building? A comickaze
What workout routine did Jesus stick to best? Crossfit
Apparently im amazing at managing my credit card My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding
I like my woman how I like my wine Locked up in my cellar.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Just learned how to masturbate. It comes in handy.
Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
What's bad about being a Black Jew? They have to sit in the back of the oven.
What do you say when the yoga teacher tells you to leave class for no reason? Nah, I'mma stay.
What animals talk on the telephone the most?  The yakety-yaks!
What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman? I came, I thaw, I conquered .
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. lol :P
If you look long enough and hard enough you could make a lot of money doing porn.
They say physicists like to work with harmonic oscillation because it's the only problem they can solve. That's not exactly true, but it is a good approximation.
Soda Can Yesterday someone hit my head with a soda can, luckily it was a soft drink.
I would never wanna fuck "feminists" Because i dont fuck children
Cats REALLY hate dryers. However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Why aren't snowmen called snow women? Because they're in the kitchen melting.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Grandpa Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die! Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know? Me: The judge told him.
[installing program] Operation Status: 1 min left Me: Yes! Finally! *30 minutes later* Operation Status: 60 mins left Me: Wait. What?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?" I'm funny that way.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one..............one bad-ass that is.
How do Mexican cut pizza? Little Caesars.
What happened to the Indian chief who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea-pee.
What kind of shoes does bread wear? Loafers.
What does a know-it-all always have in their kitchen? A pedantry.
A bartender walks into... ...a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.
They're getting rid of all our Fossil Fuels to go 100% Electric?! Oil go Volt! No votes, really? No one gets this joke, I see.
A toothless budgie will always achieve his goals Because they always succeed
*sees girl at bar* Hey baby, wanna get outta here? "Sure!" Good, you're really killing the vibe.
What do you get when you take the pee out of poops oops
What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke? A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father.
Bowser is a job creator and the largest employer in the mushroom kingdom
I find myself addicted to this website just like my Father before me. Guess why that is? It's He*reddit*tary.
Girls must love beat boxing Since it's all about boots and cats, boots and cats, boots and cats...
Ran out of laundry detergent, so I poured in some Windex. It worked OK, except for all the birds smacking into me.
I decided to write a joke about restraining orders. This is the closest I could get.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
What does the old Nazi call his favorite reclining chair? Mein Kampfy chair.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My shower has two settings: -Freezing Cold -The Ending of Terminator 2
update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn't get scared
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist's hand "This'll go quicker if you let me do it."
What do you call a homosexual man on a wheel chair? A human being
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb ? Apparently not four as my basement is still dark
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
What do you say to the midget prostitute? "Don't you think you're selling yourself short?"
What is a Ghosts' favorite type of party? A BOOkake party!
What is Father Christmas's tax status? Elf-employed.
What is something that can breakdance on the floor only once on their life? A fish
If my wife ends an argument with "Fine, do what you want!" I'm pretty sure the words "If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep" are implied.
Whats brown and sticky? a stick
I have just became a proud father! :) My son's actually just turned 4, but he was an annoying little cunt for the first 3 years.
What would To Kill a Mockingbird be called if Harper Lee was an alcoholic? Tequila Mockingbird.
Don't ever let a chiropractor tell u a joke. It'll hit your funny bone.
Dad, what's a Freudian slip? Well son, it's when you say one thing and mean your Mother...I mean another.
Want to hear a joke? Ok How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints
My horoscope said that I won't get along with Cancer... Nether do people in hospice care.
[flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]
What is a Mexicans favorite band? Hispanic at the Disco
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Malaysian food is the best! Because it goes down easily
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
How do you send a dog to space? Laika boss.
What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm? 'Come and look at the rain dear.'
I blame instagram for making these basic b*tches think that they're "models" in real life.
Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess a snail makes?
what do goats and humans have in common? Their kids are nice and tender.
The creator of predictive text died today His funfair is next monkey
I made a Pokemon team based around paralyzing my opponents. I'm a firm believer that there is strength in numbers.
Politicians should be limited to two terms... One in office and one in prison. [Credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/news/comments/2jxula/alabama_state_house_speaker_indicted_on/clg2hjl)
When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it. Weirdos.
I find it hard to explain stuff to kleptomaniacs. They take things literally!
What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah bless.
what do u call a sleeping pizza a piZzza ha ha haha someone date me plss
What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster, then he rolled over and fell asleep.
Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake all fall off a cliff... Ba-dumm-tss
(Offensive) Old enough to count... Old enough to mount ;)
Today, my wife found a pair of her sister's panties in our room. They were in my laundry pile, next to my boxers. Now she's mad, because I told her it was only a brief affair.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis -- LADDER. I meant ladder.
What's the longest you've stayed in bed? I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke
What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes? I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)
Rene Angelil passed away recently, long time manager and husband of Celine Dion. At the funeral a devastated Celine sobbed "It's ok , my heart will go on"
I really wish every time I insulted someone, you suddenly hear that "Oooohhh" the audience does in sitcom shows.
I used to give anal to other men... But it's all behind me now.
What do you call a vampire ophthalmologist? Count Drocular
Cows should really stop putting "delicious" on their resumes.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Don't apologize because you haven't tweeted in a while. No one cared.
Hey girl, are you an integral? Because I'd like to find the area under your curves
*phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle* Wife - "....""
Why does Wally (Waldo) always wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted! I'll let myself out.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your email..."
I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realised that decimals had a point
What kind of tie does a pig wear ? Pig's tie !
Harry Potter knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there? You know You know who? Avada Kedavra!!!!!
A tornado hit a local dairy farm. Da-Brie was scattered everywhere!
Buy a boat, name it Relation. Now you can tell people that you have a relationship.
Why did the calculus students get arrested? For drinking and deriving.
What starts with "f" and ends with "uck"? FIRE DUCK O SHIT WADDUP
Donuts are made from flour. Flour is made from wheat. Wheat is a plant. Plants are vegetables. Donuts are a vegetable.
How are asians and really obese people alike? They both can't see their dicks, but they know it's there.
"So, is there a MRS. A-Z?" - Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Don't go chasin' waterfalls. If a waterfall isn't staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The barman says "We don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever
Why do adults like Legos so much, when they grow old? They can't lego of their childhood. Tell some more Lego puns, here!
I think armless persons are the best You've gotta hand it to them.
Did you hear about the guy who died due to masturbation? It finished him off.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Nobel Peace Prize I would kill for one of those
Why can't Helen Keller drive.... Because she's a woman.
Seal loses electron Did you hear about the seal that lost an electron? It's now a seal ion.
A farmer was being haunted by the ghost of a chicken. It was a poultry-geist.
1. The truth will set you free. 2. The truth hurts. 3. Being set free hurts.
[therapist] what seems to be the problem? [her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It's awful [me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle
How did the Romans split up their empire? With a pair of Caesars. (Thanks [Deep Digger Dan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&amp;v=JUIumhWtTK4))
Mario's Jeans What kind of jeans does Mario wear? *(in appropriate melody)* Denim, denim, denim...
Which president was the most logical? Lincoln. He made the most cents.
What do you call a Mexican who lost a car? Carlos
What About Having Viagra Jelly Dessert? http://rx-drugsmart.co/product/Viagra+Jelly.html
What is the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I wouldn't pay $10 to watch a garbanzo bean.
Family: come play dodgeball Me: nah Fam: oh come on Me: no thanks Fam: JUST PLAY Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only cums once a year
When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying. :(
An Irish man walks out of a bar... ...
Donald Trump Announces tomorrow his campaign has been the best April Fools Day Joke Ever.
Funny One Liner! If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends.
You gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it
Want to hear a funny abortion joke? Sorry, couldn't conceive one.
My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I'm 28 years old now and I'm still not a crime-fighting mermaid :(
Pretty sure my baby thinks the number after 10 is yay.
"This guy gets it." - me, whenever I see someone sleeping
Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For.. So Wait For Me I Will Be Right Back...
Wait a minute... Computer! Freeze this porn video! Now, zoom in 900%. Enhance... Enhance... Rotate 360 ... There! NO WEDDING RINGS!
Apparently I've switched to a mobile carrier named "Searching..."
LPT: When Googling "grandfather clock" don't forget the L.
welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve? uh, hey. are you gonna make the 'snapped my g-string' joke? no *steve leaves*
People say that I'm skeptical but I don't believe them.
What did Hitler call his favorite piece of furniture? Mein Kampfy Chair
Interviewer: You're hired.. Me: Thank you so much! You won't live to regret this.. Interviewer: What? Me: huh?
What kind of hair do oceans have ? Wavy !
Fidel Castro was a Muslim Otherwise he would have been called "Infidel".
What's red and silver and bumps in to walls? A baby with forks in it's eyes.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow...
What do you think of men who likes to eat fish? I think they are Sofishticated. I'll show myself out.
How many? How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None - it's probably screwed it too tight anyhow!
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You're the best dark Jedi ever General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader's helmet
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant looks at the menu and says "okay!"
I'll pay full price for the next iPhone if the only change they make to it is erasing "ducking" from the autocorrect.
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
Q: What kind of fence goes on strike? A: A picket fence.
drummer: "just add er on the end of your instrument" guy who plays trumpet: "so im a trumpeter, ok cool" guy who plays trombone: "oh no"
There was a deaf mute who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.
'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.
What do you call 144 rotten eggs? Gross.
Apparently I'm "an insensitive arsehole" for referring to my girlfriend's allergic reaction to a box of chocolates (and subsequent fit) as a "truffle shuffle"...
Me: What did she say about me? Friend: She said you ask too many questions Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? ...What else?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like "get out of my Vulcan face" and "are you Vulcan kidding me?"
Why are girls always cold? Because of their cold black hearts.
Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares the shit out of the dogs.
[opens lunchbox] YOGURT?!? o no... that means... [my dad is at the office surounded by men and women in suits asking if they can hav a dunkaroo]
Why don't people name their kids 'Napoleon'? It's too complex
I used to think I was smart, a life-long learner. Turns out I'm just confused all the time.
I want to get a job cleaning mirrors It's just something I could see myself doing
Why couldn't Biggy or Tupac ever get decent internet on their phones? They were just 2G's
What do you get if you cross a moth with a  firefly? An insect that can find its way around a dark closet.
What's the difference between an apple an a dead baby? I don't cum on an apple before I eat it
If I had ba dollar for every time I was racist, I'd be as rich as a Jew
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two: one to get it 95% done, and the second to give it the twist at the end.
My 3-year-old referred to her granola bar as a, "NOLA bar" and now she's wearing Mardi Gras beads and asking me to make jambalaya.
Why was the diamond depressed? He had been under a lot of pressure lately.
I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.
What do Rick Astley and a loyal partner in crime have in common? They'd both probably get raped in prison.
I like my women like I like my burritos stuffed with beef
4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed... 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects...
Life is always one step forward, two steps back...Then slide to the left...Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My high-school wrestling coach called me "the little raccoon" 'cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
Sundaes are half off. The rest of the week, you pay full price!
I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States
A race between two lesbians and two gays... from NY to FL who wins? NSFW? A - The Lesbians... they are doing 69 the whole way while the two gay guys are still getting their shit pack.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
I went to the zoo the other day. It was empty, except for a single dog... It was a shih tzu :)
Cannibalistically speaking Did you hear about the 12 year old orphan cannibal? He had the family for dinner
What do you call a small byte? A nibble.
I just tinder matched with a block of cheese.
FedEx missed me and left a note saying I can pick up my delivery, but joke's on them -- I no longer have the strength to do anything at all
What do Asian pirates say? ELLLLLLL!!!
What is good about being Swiss? Well, the flag is a big plus.
What color are Margaery's eyes ? Blue. One blew this way, the other one blew that way!
One time I got so high that I accidentally got a job at McDonald's.
Why did the brake pedal see a therapist? Because it was depressed.
You'll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
What does a snail riding on a turtles back say? WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Did you hear about the garbageman who wore no trousers or underwear? He was naked from the waste down.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Why was the scarecrow promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field!
How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
I've decided to delete all the Germans from my phone. I want to make it Hans-free!
Why are Pirates pirates??? Because they ARRRRR
What did the farmer call the cow that would not  give him any milk ? An udder failure !
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
"It's complicated" relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time ? Cross mouse cards !
What do you call a giant firebreathing lizard with a procrastination problem Dragon his feet
I was beating a mouse Then it clicked.
One of the good things about trump winning... We get to see Amy schumer leave.
It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, that you realise... ...there is always a way to solve problems, without using violence.
What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I think lamps are my favorite furniture. They're always brightening up my day.
Somebody wake up Green Day.
What do you call a group of scientologist almonds? Nuts.
Husband: Let's talk about it when we're not tired and cranky. Me: So, in like 18 years?
Santa is never lonely He has many deer friends
Why did the "H" kill himself Because the "G" had...
How can you tell your roommate is gay? You can taste shit on his dick.
What's invisible and fucks kids? The Zika virus.
1) put away your phone. 2 isn't that better? 3) take out your phone again. 4) isn't that better?
Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware party? He wanted a tight seal.
What are some towing related jokes i can impress my car club coworkers with? I've already got that the frog called our car club to get toad, but that's about where my puns end.
Waiter: May I take your order? Yes, roll over and play dead! Waiter: It's not that kind of order. Oh. Sorry. I'll have the cheese sticks.
My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!
The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar. ...it was tense.
Listening to NPR during fundraising campaigns has prepared me to ignore my kids when they ask for money.
I'm a polymorphic alien... ...and I have taken shape of this text, and at this very moment I am having sex with your eyeballs and by the smile on your face I can tell that you are enjoying it :)
lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there
Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful  time. Where am I?
How come newspapers make so much money? Because they make money off Paper Views
Some people say I am crazy Lucky for me, only I can hear them
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snow balls
What do we call a wireless mouse? Hamster. Source: **Dad**
What do you call a British dinosaur? A tea rex.
Why did the physicist throw out his shag rug? He assumed the lawnmower was a vacuum
Hipster: Check out my mini.. Me: *snatches and eats Hipster:.. Bonsai tree Me: *swallows* It's alright for a veggie Hipster: Me: anymore?
If Money Doesn't Grow On Trees, Then Why Do Banks Have Branches?
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s
What's the best thing about bee's? It's knees.
I don't know, Your Honor. Last thing I remember was the Polaroid picture crying and I was shaking it like a baby andIT WOULDN'T STOP CRYING!
Seven days without food... Makes one weak!
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.
How many beer trucks can you "accidentally" run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
It's so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"
Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.
I tried to be a gentleman to this pretty lady, so I held the door open for her... But she just screamed at me as she got sucked out of the plane! Women are so ungrateful for nice guys nowadays.
I was going to tell you a gay joke butt fuck it
What's brown and sticky? Seriously. Guess.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If you are unhappy with this status update, please press 0 to speak with a customer service representative. Just kidding! Kiss my ass
What did one Jewish bird say to the other? "Cheep"
Just tell me which one is wrong! The user ID or the password???
Women who build walls around yourselves, please consider putting in a gloryhole.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
9*picking his nose* wife:Get your finger out of your nose! me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Sorry, I can't make it. Can't find my "goin out" sweatpants.
"Want to parachute?" "No thanks, I'd rather not maybe die while strapped to a guy I met twenty minutes ago."
My Mother texted me and asked "What does TTYL mean?"... I replied, "Talk to you later". So she responded, "No! Talk to me now! What does it mean?"
What Do You Call Two Trains Crossing A Road? A Bad City Planner!
Damn girl, are you a Blastoise? Cause your Hydropump is super effective.
Did you hear about the eskimo couple? One cold night, she broke it off!
What did the momma hawk say to her chicks? Quit falcon around or get the flock outta here!
What do I look for in a car? A sound-proof cabin so I can sing every rap lyric regardless of the neighborhood I'm driving through.
What's the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Ever hear the joke about the punchline thief?    .
What's the difference between a schoolmaster and a stationmaster? The stationmaster minds trains while the schoolmaster trains minds.
Who's an all male rock group that doesn't sing? Mount Rushmore.
Why can you always trust a bee without wings? Because it's down to earth.
Why is it bad for blind people to skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog
Trump did great, but... ...imagine how much he would have won by if Clinton hadn't rigged the election.
My new neighbour is fat, obnoxious and loud... Now I know how Canada feels
What do you call a hairpiece on an Asian guy? ...an Oriental Rug.
It was Jose's first day on the job... he introduced himself to his American co-workers: "I'm jose" They replied: "if you're hose-a, where's hose-b and hose-c?"
My neighbour said I'm not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they'd prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I was so close to a threesome last night Only fell 2 people short
Role-Playing I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to experiment with a role playing rape fantasy. She said, "No!" I replied, "That's the spirit!"
What's the difference between a condom and the space-time continuum? There wasn't a hole in my dad's space-time continuum.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court! Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Why was lil' Wayne tired after programming? He did too much coding.
What do you call a brother and sister rack of ribs?? Riblings
Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous "Obamanible snowman...?" *obama walks in* Everything okay joe? *nervously* "Uh yeah just fine"
The world is so full of double standards... A woman tris to sleep with every guy she sees and she's a slut. I try to do that and all of the sudden I'm 'gay' and not allowed in Toys 'R' Us anymore.
I like to read the Constitution for the articles.
I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said "Final Notice"... Good that he will not bother me anymore.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face.
Have you heard about Prince Oxygen? He is heir to the throne.
Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids' most annoying toys in the trunk.
No matter how long I wait to pretend I just noticed the other person walking toward me in a long corridor, I always nod too soon.
LeBron Still Wins MVP. Most Visible Penis.
I like to tickle my girlfriend when we have anal sex Just for shits and giggles
What does an IT guys use for birth control? His personality.
A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm. "Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."
How many gangsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Twelve, you got a problem with that?
Politically correct joke
And the Lord said unto John.. "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Peter Gabriel, after watching Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" video. "Well, I certainly don't wanna be HER sledgehammer!"
I ran out of bread this morning, so I asked my Indian neighbor if he had any But he said he had naan...
Sometimes I wonder if the entire world is full of defensive, conceited douchebags who can't laugh at themselves... Then I read some Reddit comments and I'm almost certain of it.
The shittiest joke I know. A: My book is coming out soon! B: Really?Cool, congratulations. A: Thanks. I probably shouldn't have eaten it in the first place, though.
A naked woman robbed a bank Nobody could remember her face
What's a statistician's favorite form of art? Data-ism
You know what really grinds my gears? People who can't drive manual.
Q: Why did the kid punch the bed? A: His mother told him to hit the hay.
Did you hear about the 2 antennas that got married? It was a nice ceremony ...but the reception was amazing.
holy shit imagine a crab bringing you breakfast on a tray like a lil waiter
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
Two Ducks Two ducks in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army? The one on the tank.......
Why did the melons get married in a church? Because they cantaloupe.
I feel a sense of accomplishment when I keep a pen long enough for the ink to run out.
Sex with me is just like my childhood birthday parties No one ever comes and I cry when it's all over
I wondered how the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What did the Skunk say at Church? Let us spray
Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today? Abraham Lincoln.
What do you call a bear with no teeth ? A gummy bear
Women v/s men
The gift that keeps on giving Herpes. Hehe ;)
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went to college? Bison.
A grasshopper walks into a bar... And the bartender says "Hey, we got a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"
Humans are like ketchup on a steak People look at you funny when you eat them
In Pokemon, why is fighting super effective against dark type? Because beating up black people is effective. (plz no haterino)
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A picture only takes one nail to hang up.
I made my wife change her name to Dick. Now people laugh whenever I joke about beating her all day long.
A man died in his home when a pile of books fell on him police say he had only his shelf to blame.
What did the guy with no arms and no legs get for christmas? Cancer.
Members of Congress are like farts. We hate all of them except our own.
What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
What is a sure way to pleasure 9 out of 10 people? Gang rape.
Can I ask you two questions? Ok, what's the second one?
What do you call a midget with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
An architect is inspecting a bridge... When an Asian man behind to cross it. The architect says: "The bridge seems to have a slope, yeah?"
Web Designer: "Making my shit responsive, is a pain in the ass" friend who is a web designer dropped that "gem".
How many jews could get in to the cab? It depends on ashtrays capacity. //badenglishsorry
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Why did the chicken go to the seance? To get to the other side.
What kind of laundry detergent do handicapped people use? Downy. I apologize for this one, it's pretty mean. I really do sympathize with handicapped people.
What do you call a bunch of furries, an all girls volleyball meet, and a video game tournament? Genesis 3.
The most toxic community... Of course, Britney Spears is the person with the most Toxic community...
Trying to argue via text is like Being Italian and talking with handcuffs on.
Friday Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.
Why can't the French cook two eggs? Because one egg is *un oeuf*
I killed a man once... ..for $30. Sucked him off for another 10... Never did see that $10
A roman centurion walked into a bar, raised his hand and signed the waiter to get him 2 martini. The waiter gave him 5 instead.
What did Casper say to his girlfriend? I love you, boo!!
Tip for teens: If you're buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring
Getting really tired of you emotional women on Facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep
*Will smith is alone in his corner, depressed* "Won't Smith," he whispers
trump: u gave hillary 3 scoops of ice cream & i only got 2 icecream guy: u ate the first scoop already trump: ive never eaten ice cream ever
What do you call it when someone admits to caring about how they dress? A confashion.
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child what would he be called? A subordinate claus.
What is the most socially unacceptable joke you know? Preferably really dark or 'just plain wrong' jokes.
- Doc, how did you know that I have high blood pressure? - You make mosquitoes explode!
It is impolite to cry in front of the whole library about your WebMD self-diagnosis of terminally sprained sciatica pneumonia AIDS.
Why does the ocean have water? Because the sky is *blue*
An atheist, a vegan and a femenist walked into a bar. And everyone knew it instantly.
What does George RR Martin call his erectile dysfunction? Writer's cock
I exaggerate too much. My whole life is a hyperbole.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!
So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?
It's 2010, why oh why must my laundry still be segregated?
How come white girls can only count odd numbers? Because they can't even.
I used to make jokes about people with butter fingers; stopped 'cause they couldn't handle it.
What does a German say at a Dude Ranch? AUDI.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a KIA? Paul Walker wouldn't be caught dead in a KIA.
I thought you were trying to get into shape? I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
It's 364 days until Christmas And people already have their lights up!
I like my women the way I like my software Without any viruses and I don't have to pay
Do you know any snake jokes? 'cause I serpently don't.
I am a proud member of the CBC Short for 'Canadians Against Dyslexia'
Did you hear about the man who jumped into a river in France. He was in Seine.../He was never Seine again...
The great Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with over 20,000 women For Chuck Norris, that's a Tuesday.
Why do you put a fence around a graveyard? Because people are dying to get in!
What does Facebook and a conversation between two teenagers have in common? A lot of likes
What do you do when you see a Jew in Compton? Challah at ya boy!
How long does it take for a Somalian to shit? 9 months.
I am not racist I have black shampoo and white conditioner!!
What's big, green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls on you? A pool table
What do you get if you drink too much Gin? A double Gin
You only live once. Make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet daily, desperately seeking validation from strangers.
What is white a d 14 inches long? Nothing.
Why do I watch the Cosby show? I enjoy dark humour. Yes, this was both a rapist and racial joke.
Do you think Obama is Jewish? He is always asking for change...
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish! (works better when you're drunk)
At first I was shocked by how graphic the sex scenes in Rise of the Planet of the Apes was.... Then I realized I was watching Interracial Gangbangs part 7
Why did the police chief hate going into the basement? Because it was beneath his station. :P
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Yo momma's so dense, she got a job at NASA... ..bending light.
A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea. Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool.
What's the difference between my wife and the dress? The dress is white and gold
My wife said that if anything ever happened to her, she'd want me to meet someone new. Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything".
Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.
Your password must contain 9 letters, a treasure map, Drakes social security # & the sound Marv made on Home Alone when he stepped on a nail
He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
Me: yah after the car accident i can barely raise my arm Lawyer: how high could u raise it before Me:*raises arm over head* like this high
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, 'next we go into our downward dog,' it is frowned upon to make the 'bowchickabowow' sound.
What do you call a fish with no mouth? A floppy dildo
You're going to look great at your prom. If you're thin and spent 3 grand on a dress. Otherwise you'll look like a dumpy Russian hooker.
If you are going to Taco Bell for a diet, you have a bigger problem than your weight.
When Mr Maxwell's wife left him he couldn't sleep. Why was that? She had taken the bed.
I'm celebrating international women's day by not having my wife make me a sandwich today. I'm going to Subway and having Rachel make it instead.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I don't think 'safe sex' sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
You think if I tell my dad "30 is the new 20" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Did you hear about the Mexicans that robbed the train museum? I don't know why they did it but they must have had a pretty 'loco' motive.
How do you get a 90 year old lady to yell fuck? Get another 90 year old to yell "BINGO!"
Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume? A: Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
90s Kids won't get this............ Social Security Benefits.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person So I can get a better girlfriend.
How many trolls does it take to read a joke. None. They get chumps like you to do it. CHUMPS.
What kind of coffee do terrorists hate? French press. (Too soon?)
Which person leaves first after a glory hole blowjob? Please answer. It's very urgent.
Bar Joke A zionist, a mass murderer and a jew come into a bar, the israelite orders a drink
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now.
I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.
My friend was in a terrible accident, and now has to breathe through a straw ...you could say he sucks at life.
Consequences One of the more interesting consequences of having watched *Pulp Fiction* before reading *Hamlet*, is that I pictured Marcellus as a big black guy.
An auk breathes from his ass One day he sits down and dies.
My essay for graduate school reeks of bullshit and broken dreams disguised as lessons learned.
If you wanted to be the red ranger as a kid you're probably an asshole nowadays.
Why is every boob job the same? Two round boobs. Switch it up ladies. Someone get two Belgian waffles or something.
"I don't believe in hyperbole," she said while consuming an entire horse.
What would Jesus say if you angered him? "I'm Crossed."
What is black, white, black, white...? A nun falling down the stairs
I might be schizophrenic , but at least I have each other .
Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs. Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday
How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
I hate it when I'm brushing my teeth and Kiefer Sutherland climbs out of the toilet just to ask me if he can bum a cigarette.
[on a first date] Ok, don't let her know you're really a squirrel... Her: I had a great time, good night! Me: *runs in front of her car
What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter? Shirley you can't be Sirius.
No sweetie, mommy's not drinking vodka again. This is potato water.
There's a ghost in the house! CALL DR.BOO!
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know...the boxers match. *winks*
Tad looked up from the book on ancient history  he was reading and asked his father "Pop what's a millennium?"  "Well" he muttered "I think it's something like a centennial  only it has more legs!"
Wanna hear a joke? Fine Bros.
the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
What do you call a lesbian platypus? A lickalotapus
What kind of birds go to church every Sunday? Birds of Pray
At the Apple store waiting for a snotty Genius Bar guy. Thinking about how a "crowbar" has nothing to do with crows either.
What do you call a very large number of bad people? [nsfw] A Cuntry.
Just heard a woman compare different products by calling the last one "even differenter." I am now embarrassed to be human.
How do the Kardashians tell a joke? They get Kim to talk slowly to him.
What do you call a clever monster?  Frank Einstein.
I put a load in the dishwasher She swallowed.
"You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn
Why isn't there a college in the world of Harry Potter? Because even Magic can't pay your college Loan
I don't think my new air conditioner likes me very much It keeps giving me the cold shoulder
How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder
RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(
I'm losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.
Did you notice the difference between Trump's inauguration and Obama's? Trump's crowd paled in comparison.
The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.
I honestly respect reality show people for the sole fact they can do their interviews weeks later and speak as if it's presently happening
Censorship [removed]
Sometimes I think I've missed my calling. Luckly for me I have voicemail.
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet? Egyptian dummies.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree
Why did the chicken cross the road? (NSFW) To suck the cock
What is the difference between acne and gay men? Acne only attacks little boys when they reach puberty
What's J.D. Salingers favorite thing to have in a sandwich? RYEbread....
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What did the man say when he accidentally bumped into the astronaut? "I Apollo-gize"
How many Jews can fit in a car? 2 In the front, 2 in the back, and six million in the ash tray! *Drops mic* *Gets shot*
What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss? They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.
I think we should solve world hunger. You might say I'm a strong believer in world peas. ^I'll ^see ^myself ^out...
I only watch "Game of Thrones" because I'm trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.
Why is George Bush always on the bottom when having sex? Because he can only fuck up!
There's a little girl's voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don't mind her; she died years ago. Here's your blanket.
If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who's driving? The police.
Please spread my ashes over the breakroom at work. That way Sherry from accounting can bitch about cleaning up my messes forever.
How does moses make his tea? Hebrews it
What do you call an old man selling plums? An entrepruner.
What's the difference between a potato and a vegetable...? Not knowing how to use a coathanger...
"Betty White" What the African American said when he heard there was a new Pope.
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Helllooooo ladies!
How do I know Kim and Kanye's daughter is going to be smart? Because she already has 315 degrees.
People who don't understand sarcasm are awesome.
Why was the communist school not successful? There were no classes
Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus He'll always be Gladiator.
Sports are a lot like porn... Great ball handling skills can make a lot of money.
*calls Rosetta Stone* Yes hi I was wondering if you had a course on body language *my friend choking on buffalo wings clutches his throat*
What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.
Why was the toilet paper in East Germany so harshly? So every asshole would turn red.
Will Smith: "Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me" My Dad: "Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve"
I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC... There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected
Did you know the internet was created by egyptians They have a long history of worshiping cats and writing on walls. Inspired by a post on showerthoughts
[Spoiler] Mark Hamill Star Wars joke Mark Hamill is such a loser he didn't even get a single word in the new Star Wars
Whats the difference between a dead baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton never lost a bag of coke out the window.
Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?" The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"
[Walmart customer service] ME: i want to talk to the manager. MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem? ME: no, i just want to talk.
JokeExplainBot
What's black on top and white underneath? Rape. Offensive jokes are fine as long as they are still jokes.
Snow is like the Jews ... Won't make you feel uncomfortable as long as you have a working furnace
Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled "dead." No dice! Thank god---hang in there, celebs!
I didn't realize what "Shoot the J" meant... So naturally people explained it to me when I shouted it at the wheelchair basketball halftime show.
a man walked into a bar I thought he would have seen it.
HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies  changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with the light on.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into your mouth.
Who will take the second shot in this pool game? Find out after the break.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there's someone else in the Mickey suit.
Noses and Boyfriends Boyfriends are like noses... People get disgusted when you blow them in public. Especially if you're caught without a tissue
I don't understand. I've stared at you from a distance multiple times throughout the year. How'd you not know I was in love with you?
What did Sushie A say to Sushi B? Wasa-B! Let's roll.
The only indie movie I like is Raiders of the Lost Ark
Jerry (Man pukes in plastic bag) Man:I made breakfast, let's put it in the fridge (Puts it in toilet tank) Man:Time for bed (Crawls in to tub)
All my life, I thought air was free... ... until I bought a bag of crisps!
I attached all my watches together into a belt today. It's a complete waist of time.
*points to refrigerator* That makes things cold *points to stove* That makes things hot *points to self* That makes things awkward
I was going to join the debating team in high school, but someone talked me out of it.
New redditter Hey friends, Im new here please treat me with respect. Just tryng to have fun and make friends. &lt;3
Maybe ghosts ARE real and you never see them on paranormal investigation shows because they're too put off by leather statement jewelry.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection
Walk into the club like whatup OWW Walk into the mace like what DAMN Walk into the sword like wha *dies* *flunks gladiator school*
The shortest hunter joke Two hunters go by a bar
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? 2 more bullets.
People who feel the Bern but don't like the sensation have been voting instead for Hillary.... ... or as they like to call her, Preparation H
How do you make a fat chick orgasm? Who cares.....
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: Yes, I'd like the Mexican massage. Masseuse: The what? Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream* Masseuse: Me: Let's go, chop chop.
WW3 due to Ukraine The scariest thing about this World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans' side. They've never won a World War yet.
What's the difference between a blow job and anal sex? A blow job will make your day but anal sex will make your hole weak.
I like my women as I like my sandwiches... ...no crust.
Oh, you're straight? Well, so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet.
A man is walking around a costume party dressed in green with a woman on his shoulder When asked what he was he said he was a tortoise. Then when asked about the woman he replied "she's Michelle".
In 101 Dalmatians there were 99 problems and bitches were approximately half of them This got banned from Showerthoughts for being a pun, and I knew you guys liked puns so here we are!
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Hippies only screw in tents.
Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: "Wire" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
What happens when you cross a fly and a mountain climber? Trick question, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
After 2 divorces, I gave up on that 'dream girl' shit long ago. At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I'll talk to her...
I like pressing f5. It's so refreshing.
Double leg amputees are the worst... ...I can't stand them
Some girls look like they've barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that's been doused by a fire hose.
American beer is like making love in a canoe it's fucking close to water *Monty Python, Live at the Hollywood Bowl*
[black jack] DEALER: 14 ME: hit me D: 16 M: hit me D: 23 M: hit me D: M: D: M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
(prostate exam) Dr: WOW! I've never seen this before Me: OMG! WHAT *loud click Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE Dr:.. And send Me: WTF?
What's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain? So you're the one.... (only if you answered "i don't know")
Spanish fireman has twin boys, he names them Jose and Hose B
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I don't cry when I cut up the hooker
What was the geologists' favorite Musical genere? rock
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He's told every other person on earth and I didn't want y'all to be out of the loop.
My check engine light just turned on. I opened up the hood and the engine is still there. Thankfully everything is fine, but I was worried for a minute.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone's mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
For what I assume is a gambling channel, BET sure has a lot of black people.
What should the Packers call their cheerleaders? Green Baes
7: "Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?" Me: "Are you the someone?" 7: "Maybe" Holy hell.
I think my photographer friend is secretly in the Air Force. He keeps asking if he can use a drone to take aerial shots at my wedding.
Why doesn't the man with an extra penis have any friends? He's too cocky.
What is round and looks like a stone. A stone.
At a gag gift exchange, I gave a woman a hotdog and a condom She said "Frankly, I never sausage a small weiner."
Trump wants to build a wall between Canada and the U.S. also Please... please do it... us Canadians will even gladly pay for it
In a recent survey 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho's over each other.
Wait, so if I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior I get to spend all of eternity with people like Mike Huckabee? Lol. Hard pass.
If you've ever taken a baby to a movie, please set yourself on fire. Thanks.
Sometimes I see a baby and think "Aww, I want one!" Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think "Yeah, maybe I'm not ready."
My pregnant wife just confessed she listens to R&amp;B I'm uncertain if I should break up with her in text or just let her figure it out.
What does a gay horse eat? Dick you idiot.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar... He says to the bartender, "Do you serve food here?" The bartender replies, "No." So the ham sandwich walks out.
I just sat through two hours of Jersey Shore. Apparently the stupid I was born with wasn't stupid enough.
I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold. He didn't have a jacket on, so I asked him why. He said he was outside before it was cool.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front W:What one in front? *angry bees are just everywhere*
what's the difference between an old greyhound bus terminal and a lobster with 36B breasts? one's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal
WARDEN: You have been sentenced to the Electric Cher ME: in the what now *a metallic voice sings out: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE*
There must be a special discount store for plumbers... There pants are always 50% off
Im half scotch. And i dont mean scottish.
America elected Donald Trump And we're going toupee for it
Cemetery joke Man walks into a cemetery- "You have any openings?" The graves keeper nods "Lots!"
An Englishman an Irishman &amp; a Scotsman... An Englishman an Irishman &amp; a Scotsman get into a cab. The driver turns around and says "Sorry gents I'm Muslim, I can't take a joke."
Do you ever feel like a tampon? In a good place, but at the wrong time.
I am a kid at heart and a 52 year old coal miner at liver.
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "The pilot! Let me in!" . . . Too soon?
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time on DRAGON BALL Z KAI!
I was absolutely fuming when I walked out of the art store earlier Bitch didn't have my Monet
How do you know a mod of /r/jokes is Asian? [dereted]
I think my friend is a racist. He's been known to tell a few colorful jokes.
The Conservation of the Letter R Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something
What do you say to a family who has just experienced death of a family member due to anorexia? Sorry for the loss.
I got pulled over drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.
In Tesla Motors you... Don't drive car, car drives you.
Russian kids were writing an essay about their heroes.... ..... The title was: "Who is your hero and why Stalin?"
Says the priest to the altar server: "There's a good christian in you"
Did you hear about the guy who is half black and half Japanese? Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer.
Nightclub bouncers find me so attractive that they ask me to stand next to them while they make everyone else go inside.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer!
What did the kitten say when it slipped on a banana peel?? "Meowch!"
What kind of sounds does Jaimie Foxx make in the bedroom? No sound at all, the D is silent
Y'know, the KKK actually do have some good points on their hats
I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I farted on the bus today and four people turned around. I actually felt like I was on the voice.
What should you say when an old lady calls you a "bastard sonofabitch"? "I love you too, mom."
Why does Snow White turns yellow when she's angry instead of red? because she's pissed.
There's a band called 1023MB They're great, but they never had a gig.
I hit Jesus with a water balloon and he said it hurt. So I told him to walk it off...
TIL there is a real place called The Cake is a Lie seriously, what do you expect from me?
A Haiku For My Salad: I do not like you You will never be grilled cheese You make my mouth sad
I never knew what nationality Santa was until now. I just found out that he is actually North Polish.
What do 1% of racist people do? They are making clubs like the KKK The other 99% are hidden here making bad jokes
"OH MY GOD IS THAT GLUTEN ON THE FLOOR!?!?!" Great way to clear the checkout lines at Whole Foods.
Have you seen the new ticket prices for Alton Towers? Admission now costs an arm and a leg!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook. I know that now.
What idiot called it an auction instead of serious bidness?
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything!
Reasons to not go camping No.154: People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
I'll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I'm trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[politics] I think Trump settled the whole "tiny hands equals small penis" argument today... It must take a pretty massive dick to fuck the entire world at once
Spread me apart, lick, & enjoy my cream! ~Oreos, you pervs
A golden joke... Did you hear about the man who robbed the bank? He went up to the cashier and demanded all the gold. When the thief ran away, the cashier yelled, "A u!"
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? zero
Pokemon Go goes live in Canada today You idiots.
This is the test you should take to know if you are a man. Really????
The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them
I fell into a sewer the other day. It was really shit and draining to get out of.
What do you call a Canadian Spy Agency? The CIEh
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
If Barack and Joe were in a buddy cope movie, would it be called "Abiden By The Law"?
My Grandfathers joke is so appropriate today. "Do you know where they send all the baby chickens that are orphans and have nowhere else to go?" Well of course they send them to Foster Farms!
What happens to donkeys in the winter? They change into brrrrrro's.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because he's a fucking creep
Tinder is such an useless app The only match it gave me was of my wife..
My Grandpa said, our generation relies too much on technology I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
Two fish are in a tank... One of them says "hey, how do you drive this thing.."
I like my women how I like my jokes funny :)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
I went to see my Dentist to have a tooth pulled, but he was on holiday. The guy standing in for him refused to do it. He said he was only filling in.
I got pulled over by a female police officer.When i rolled down my window to ask what was wrong,she said..."NOTHING!"
My housemate told me to get something to the front page of reddit I should just recycle... It'll take a lot more than that to get me to take the bins out!
Why is the sea so salty? because the land won't wave back.
How Does Moses make Tea? HEBREW it!
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp? KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator? For what? KID: To charge our iPods
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I wonder if blackbirds ever watch reruns of 'That's So Raven' and go all, "gurl please."
I didn't know you could get paid for donating sperm. When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers...
What do Roman Doctors call I.V.s? Fours
My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week... I lost it.
I fostered a child the other day ...Got him in the back of the head with all four cans!
It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods knows how to pick a good driver.
Weirdest Smashing Pumpkins Remix Video nsfw while i was chubbin' i found this and laughs tears of cum
Why are flowering plants such good test takers? Because they have all of the anthers!
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Do you know the difference between a man and a Government Bond? A man matures with time.
You know when your girlfriend is horny when you put your hand down her pants and... it feels like you are feeding a horse.
Latvian man goes to buy iPhone.. Premise ridiculous! iPhone cannot be use to farm potato. Also, salesman die of malnourish.
Hey baby, I heard that rabbits, can make 150 babies a year, how many do you think we can make in an hour?
ExLax is really shitty chocolate.
*hands note Boss: *reading* 'Please excuse my son from' Ridiculous! You're working! *thinking* I practiced my Mom's signature for nothing
Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking...
The ironic thing about Americans making fun of Canada is Iowa.
Thinking about having kids? Buy a plant. If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you're too old to have kids by then.
'I've been expecting you, Mr. Bond.' - James Bond's mother giving birth
According to chemists, alcohol IS a solution...
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs driving a car? Rex (made this one up myself!)
2016: Sanders wins presidency 2017: Marijuana legalized in all 50 states 20$x: lol what were we talking about
Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
why don't you see elephants hiding in the trees that often? because they're really fucking good at it
Today I was asked if the guy that put up the blinds... was a blind installer. I said, 'Nope, he could see.'
"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller!" -ask Super Mario
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support soon, or people are gonna mistake us for nuts.
What did the inn keeper say to the Big Dipper when he asked if he could rent a room? sorry this is only a four star hotel.
Do you want to hear a joke about sodium? Na
Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, "GET LOST!" So I stared... Realising she wasn't saying more, I asked, "which season?"
What is the favorite Christmas Carol of the Aryan brotherhood? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.
Making midget jokes is mean and belittling. *belittling*
Interviewer: I heard you were extremly quick at Math... Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am" Interviewer: "Whats 14x27" Me: "49" Interviewer: "that's not even close" me: "yeah, but it was fast"
A hole has been found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
What do you call the gay A team? The Heyyy Team
We saw a Taliban bukkake film the other night. It was much the same as a normal porn film, except there was a much bigger explosion over her face at the end.
Hey, did you hear that Bill Cosby is writing classical music? I just heard his latest piece called, "Quaa De Lude".
They say money can't buy happiness But it can buy a boat and invite happiness over for the weekend.
Did you hear about the weightlifter who had a hole-in-one? He paid for the drinks all around with his barbell.
Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
What's the difference between a million dollar car and a pile of dead babies? There's no million dollar car in my garage.
I just borrowed $10,000 from my mom to place a bet at a casino here in Vegas. Tiger Woods better win the Super Bowl this year.
When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands Because shes deaf
Did you hear that they discontinued production on the upcoming Chevy Diode? They found it had trouble going in reverse
Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon; teach a man to fish and he'll leave work early on Fridays.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Everyone makes fun of North Korea's military Personally, I'm amazed and terrified. Just imagine what they would accomplish if they opened their eyes.
I have mixed race parents, my dad prefers the 100m and my mom is Hispanic
Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams, today I asked her to marry me She said no both times
What do you call a fat doctor? Fat with a P.H.D
My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked. The hardest part is acting surprised.
How do you get Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it.
So the other day this guy almost died because of [removed]
My friend recently arrived in Turkey for his annual holiday. He is doing bird.
in high school I was voted 'who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before'
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I'll say "In silence"
What bait do you use to catch a space fish? A worm hole
"It's not about the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean"... But it's hard to get cross the Atlantic with a rowboat
If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we'd find them in about 15 minutes.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Why are there so many female archaeologists? Because women love digging up old shit.
I could never be a detective. I can't even solve equations, let alone crimes.
Have you heard the one about the suicidal homosexual He hung out in the closet
Hitler had one hell of a speech writer. People called him the grammar nazi.
I've got the body of a twenty year old. It's in the trunk of my car.
The ultimate comfort food: a blanket made out of grilled cheese sandwiches.
you know how when geese migrate in a v shape, sometimes one side of the v is longer - Do you know why? more geese
Apparently they're making a porno opera based on the music of Muse They're calling it 'Supermassive Black Hole'
/r/creepy I mean seriously, one was just an open door.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
2 chickens walk into a chickenfarm The one chicken says to the other: "tock, tock, tock, tock, tock." The other one respones: "Are you tocking to me?"
The dog from Air Bud is in a new movie helping deaf kids play sports. It's called Ear Bud.
Is it getting solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Why did the console gamer cross the road To render the other side
Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you "grocery store checkout line" love them
A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos... *poof*... He disappeared without a tres
What do you call a horny asian woman? Actually, I'm not going to finish that. It's a slippery slope.
Bruce Jenner just got rooted by his own son Right in the pussy
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white horses fell in the mud.
When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last" I feel like you don't know what misplace means.
What do you say when somebody cuts in front of you in line for Vietnamese noodles? Hey, pho queue, dude
So an Irishman walks out of a bar....
How do sceptics introduce themselves? "I don't believe we've met..."
What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs. Hawking
Did you know that Lombard street in San fransisco is the second most crooked street in the United States? The most crooked street in the United States is Wall Street!
What did the mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay? I ain't no snitch.
A rapist, paedophile and priest enter a bar. He orders a beer.
Billfold Biopsy While I was in the hospital, the surgeons found a large lump in my wallet... ... ... But they got all of it.
What do you call Batman skipping church? Christian bail.
Did you hear about the triple-amputee who pitched in the majors? He was slow around the bases, but that boy had an arm on him!
A black person is walking down the street carrying a 4K TV I thought, 'that looks like mine!'. But then I remembered, my black person is at home doing laundry
I used to be be indecisive.... ....now I'm not so sure.
What does a dog do that you step in? Pants.
Your dad is so dumb... that he forgot to use a condom -sorry
Girl's are like blackjack I'm always hoping for 21 but I keep hitting on 14.
How do you comfort a grammar nazi? There, their, they're.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? He never crossed the road, he didn't have the guts to do it.
KILLER: I'M GONNA CATCH YOU ME: YOU'LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Kid: Just bought a chicken, a bar, a door with no doorbell and a doctors surgery Man: Where did you buy all that junk? Kid: At the Joke shop.
What ship will never set sail for OP?
Why Can't A Bike Stand On Its Own? It's two-tired!
There were hookers talking... Asked the one hooker the other: What do you ask from Santa Claus this year? Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.
Why wouldn't the man dance? His pants had no ballroom.
Life tip: If you're curious if you've gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.
My friend says he's got a psychic duck He's got it all dressed up like a gypsy in a little circus tent in his house. "What are you on?" I said to him. "Quack" said the duck.
Why did Mary Magdalen love Jesus? *Spreads arms* Because he was hung like this
Everything is made in China Except babies. They're made in va-chinas
What's worse than a girl falling asleep during sex? A girl waking up during sex.
"Wanna solve a meat puzzle?" is a good pickup line
Did you hear about that new jewish barista? Hebrews coffee
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, agnostic and an insomniac? A person who stays up all night contemplating the existence of dog.
2 cats are watching a tennis match... After a while, one cat turns to the other and says... "My father is in that racquet !!!"
Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "Actually sir, we have you on camera."
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
How do you make a good movie better add Adam Sandler
Did you hear about the fortune teller that... Had bad breath, calluses all over his body and couldn't win a fight? He was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with halitosis.
My favorite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let's combine forces and we could be the best thing since...well we'll think of that later.
Carpet Fitting by Walter Wall
So the past, the present and the future walk into a bar... It was tense.
I changed my password to "incorrect" So when I forget it my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"
Random number generator Two programmers discuss: - I need a random number generator. Do you have something? - 27
are those elderberries? [camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My girlfriend just told me she was moving away to either Cleveland or Tulsa... All I could think to say was, "OH. OK."
[Weekend in NYC with my wife] Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend? Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
What did the dad say to his baby who's being breastfed? You mothersucker.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ?Give me a beer and a mop.?
What's the difference between the government and your wife? The government enjoys fucking you Edit: phrasing courtesy of tefkasm
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Today I found out what it feels like to be discriminated against. I was unfairly labeled a scrub JUST because I was hanging out the passenger side of my best friend's ride.
Banks are like girlfriends... ...they just want all your money.
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar... Followed by Batman.
I was asked by my doctor if mental illness ran in the family... I told him "I have an aunt who wants to vote for Hillary Clinton"
Lemonaid What kind of juice do you get from sick lemons? LemonAIDS
So HBO is making a drama about relatives conspiring against eachother to take control of the family pastry company It's going to be called Game of Scones
My wife just said "I'm pregnant!" I said "Hi pregnant, I'm dad!"
Having to explain a joke is like dissecting a frog Sure, everyone will understand it a bit better; but the frogs never quiet the same.
Stop making child molestation jokes It's a really touchy subject
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question 'What's up?'
It's all Greek to me! Local fresh foods. Trump drums. Brexit polls, LA beaver suburban
My buddy's a surfer who left Egypt because his strict Christian family was always hovering over him... They were, like, hella Coptic bro.
Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker on her car...The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.
How do you get a dog to lick itself clean like a cat? Cover it in peanut butter.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I'm in a relationship?
"Asparagus!!!" - italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. What else smells like blue paint? Solvent abuse rehab
My smartphone is now all I need to organise events in my life My calendar's days are numbered.
Rape is a touchy subject
What's the difference between your mother and a Mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I forget the rest but your mother's a whore
Why did the duck cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a  bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Started my Matrix Algebra class a few months ago... I'm really confused so far. When do we learn about Neo?
A horse walks into a bar... Bartender: why the long face???
What's black, jobless, homeless, fatherless, and has no life? Harambe.
How do you tell apart a guitarist and a computer geek? Ask them if they think solid states are shitty.
what do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet: "You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth." Oh shit....
I refuse to go bungee jumping.... ... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
What is the best place to hide a corpse? On the second page of Google
my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional
I used to be addicted to soap But I'm clean now
Why did a scientist disconnect his doorbell? because he wanted to win the No-bell prize!! Sorry, I ll walk out
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like "You're Doing A Great Job"
My mother once told me to get rid of the assholes in my life She then complains that I never contact her.
A Hydrogen atom suddenly exclaimed: "I think I just lost my electron!" "Are you sure?" Asked its friend, "Yes" replied the first, "I'm positive."
I don't get how Bono is such a great philanthropist... I mean, isn't it a little selfish of him to do everything "pro bono"?
What do you call a Muslim who plays '50s rock music during Ramadan? a Rama-dana-ding-dong
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I'll marry 12 dogs. I'm a dog mormon now.
Is your refrigerator running? Because there is a fucking dead horse inside of it.
I feel ripped off. I was with a bunch of kids today and not one of them said anything even remotely darndest.
Final Destination 5" ...well someone doesn't understand the meaning of "Final."
Jokes What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A million dollar idea: Diapers for birds.
You look like I could use some sex.
Two flies are eating a turd. One of them farts, and the other one says "Dude, gross. I'm eating."
On average, a single male has sex 89 times a year. Tomorrow is going to be really awesome for me!
The bottom of my shoes fell off today You could say they're ginger snapped. I think it was cause I ran into the beat boys and then got lost in their rock and roll
I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published. It was all in vein.
What does The Lion King have a lot of? Simbalism
Today is "bring your dog to work day". I thought it was "bring your dawg to work day". So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated
Overheard: "Hey, I think that weirdo is listening to our conversation."
A nerdy sysadmin joke for today Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas?  Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)
Why does Spider-Man only drink Kool-aid? Because with grape powder comes great responsibility.
Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.
What do you call a handjob from a midget? A jump and touch.
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth My parents were into some kinky shit
Waiter are there snails on the menu ! Yes sir they must have escaped from the kitchen !
While shopping, look for this marker on where the gluten free aisle is at. You'll see a man with a gun to his mouth. Because, you know, bullets are gluten free.
The twin towers is the best LOTR movie in the franchise
""When I die, I'd like you to lower the coffin into the grave... ... so you can let me down one last time."
Here's a joke about the Reddit admins. [deleted]
Knock Knock Who's there ! Adolf ! Adolf who ? Adolf ball hit me in the mouth !
When I hear commercials say "win a trip for you and six friends" I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Some people around here retweet like it's coming out of their booze allowance.
After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the
Mini-Skirt Speech My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My psychic is a talented blind woman. She has a fifth sense.
Did you hear about the guy who was on trial for masturbating to obscure court cases? He got off on a technicality.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
What's the difference between Al'qaeda and civilians? Beats me I just fly the drone!
Why won't the members of the Westboro Baptist Church drink whole milk? Because it's Homo.
Relevant advice. Remember everyone, if you're attacked by a group of clowns. Go right for the juggler.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking? In chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.
Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life? They were on the Earth before it was cool.
How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it'd take 2 days to come up with the money.
What comes after 69? Student: mouthwash teacher: get out
You call them "cuss words"... I call them "sentence enhancers".
how many Amish How many Amish people does it take to change a light bulb?
I offered my Muslim girlfriend a bite of my gorilla sandwich but she shook her head and said... "That's haram, bae."
What do you say when German secret police is bugging you? geSTAHPo!
A nurse takes a rectal thermometer from her jacket pocket "Great. Some arsehole's got my pen"
What did the coma patient win? A-trophy.
"It's payback time, bitches!" - What I think every morning now that I wake my kids up.
5yo: *smells glue stick* Me: DON'T BE SMELLING THAT!! 5yo: it smells like strawberries! Me: give me that...*smells glue stick*
What do you call it when Batman skips church ? Christian Bale
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the pants
"What is the difference between a black pinnochio and a white pinnochio." The black pinnochio's nose grows wider when he lies.
Snakes are terrifying because they can't trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Why were the Indians here first? Because they had reservations.
My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress. It works, when I have taken them I can hardly hear her crying at all.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Why should you never high five someone in the gallows... Because they always leave you hang'n
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he's grounded.
Gay vampire I vant to suck your dick
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: A wise man once said... Wife: STOP QUOTING YOURSELF!
And the LORD said unto John... "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit[.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soggy_biscuit)
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you're wrong & Raphael isn't the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
The Embarrassing Moment by Lucy Lastic
How did Maxwell greet Ampere? Good Faraday to you, sir!
I would like to tell you a remarkably sophisticated joke........... What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, because they were both stuck up cunts.
What do you call a promise you can't keep? A campaign promise.
Why did 10 die? He was in the middle of 9/11
My autobiography would just be a really long Taco Bell receipt.
[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*
So that's what "Tiger blood" means!
I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
Ever wonder why you don't see the energizer bunny anymore? He got arrested for battery.
How did R. Kelly's girlfriend feel when she found out he's into watersports? She was pissed.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date He sat me down, handed me a condom, looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."
M: I rear-ended some girl today W: Oh how much damage to her car M: Car?
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? GO FUCK YOURSELF!
"I got it! Let's have a princess trapped by a gorilla who throws barrels at a plumber! Wow these drugs are great!" - Donkey Kong creators
What's a Whistleblower's favorite food? Leeks!
How many Apple workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to over hype the new lightbulb and one to make sure it breaks within a year.
Are you made of Copper and Tellurium? Because you're CU TE
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
My wife wanted me to get one of those penis enlargers- so I did... ...she's 21 and her name's Cathy.
Have you heard of the movie *Constipation*? "Can't say I have." "That's because it hasn't came out yet."
Bush vows to stabilise US economy
Two player prison game Prisoner One: Do you want to play the rape game? Prisoner Two: No! Prisoner One: That's the spirit!
My trainer told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective. I hit her with a Thunderbolt and locked her in her own Pokeball.
A jewish boy asks his father for 50 dollars His dad says "40 dollars? what the hell do you need 30 dollars for?!"
Why would Batman always beat Superman? because, being rich, Bruce Wayne can ride a horse properly.
I hate buying from cannibals it always costs an arm and a leg.
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships ? At parking meteors !
Setup Punchline.
People at work say i'm unnecessarily rude ... but i say fuck those cunts.
I like my woman just like my muffin I prefer the top and never eat the bottom.
Barrack Obama In India :p 15,000 CCTVs getting installed for Obama's visit in Delh.i (India). That's just racist. Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I'm doing. And now I'm sitting outside of H.R.
The Past, the Present, and the Future All Walk Into A Bar . . . . . . it was tense.
Donald Trump is sponsoring a new breakfast side dish. Dic-tater tots.
I joined a forum for people with Down syndrome. Comments are disabled.
My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said, Sounds more like an ellipsis...
Just ate McDonalds after working out, which is the same as taking a shit after a shower.
A guy pissed off 7 bears and is getting chased! How do you describe the bears? Fast and Furious 7
Why couldn't the two testes be friends? Because of the vas deferens.
What do you call two men hanging from a window sill? Kurt and Rod
Would you like to buy a car for half price* *half the price of two.
So this guy who suffers from premature ejaculation comes out of no where
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
What kind of cheese do metalheads eat? BRIEEEEEEEEEEEE. I hate myself
A Hippo claimed that he didn't like serial killers Than he ate a bowl of cereal. He was such a hippo-crit.
Well if Trump is a bad president, hopefully by the next election... We'll have 2020 hindsight
I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.
__________________________________________ Just drawing the line somewhere on R/Jokes
I've got a great joke for you all! Runescape 3.
Love is blind, said the blind to the deaf I can see that.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? Donald Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on him.
So, this guy comes home to find his house was broken into and someone stole all his lamps. He was delighted.
Bees Q; What kind of bees make milk? A; Boobies
A frog jumped higher than a building... ...because buildings can't jump.
There is a new Jason vs Michael Myers movie coming out... ..I guess it will be a silent film?
So I blew positive for alcohol today and got arrested... Positive is my neighbor's dog's name
A man is about to jump off a building. A physicist tells him "Don't jump! You have so much potential!"
Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse? It got angry and bit at the champ!
jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".
Why did the prostitute cross the road? To go to the motel with her client so they could have some fucking privacy.
apparently pharmacies think theyre grocery shops now. selling food product instead of focusing on exceptional pill service. Get real, punk !
If my girlfriend was a Pokemon her name would be...... Vulva-sore
hi yes i'd like a vodka salad please "you mean a bloody mary" yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
WHERE MY INTROVERTS AT? [a few people shuffle their feet & pretend to check their phones]
Two redditors pass in an essay after the deadline - we took too long to make this page for you - try again and hopefully we will be fast enough this time
What do you call a man with a one inch penis? Justin.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you're wondering it's 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write 'would of' instead of 'would have' as human shields.
What do rodents with an inclination towards mathematics use for their auctioning needs? thepiratebay
reasons white people riot: 1. their sports team wins 2. their sports team loses 3. no more tickle me elmos 4. tea 5. pumpkins
Two nuns in a bath... The first nun asks the other "Where's the soap?" The other replies "It does, doesn't it?" Edit: Punctuation
Why doesn't the veteran have a blow-up sex doll? Because of the flashbacks.
I organized a threesome for (NAME)'s last night of freedom. There were a couple of no-shows, but he still had fun.
I got in trouble for masturbating in the showers Apparently it ruined the school trip to auschwitz
I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? **None** *Let the bitch cook in the dark.*
My local bar was having a fund raiser for dyslexia It was all you can drink for ages 12 and up
Culturally speaking... Having a McDonald's in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.
What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
wow thanks for dying grandpa that shit is blowing up my Facebook
Bring a Knife on a date? When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
[girl chatting up guy at bar] girl: so what do you do? magician: i halve a girlfriend
There are 25 different kinds of Lunchables and they all taste like a single parent home.
DO NOT OPEN.PLEASE. I like you, you little rebel.
Our co-op has the most amazing locally grown, organic ibuprofen right now.
Why are the twin towers and genders so similar? Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
I used to work in a darkroom developing photographs... but I quit because there was too much negativity.
First time sex. I would tell you but the joke would finish to fast.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says, "Something taste funny to you?"
A reddit mod walks into a bar [removed]
What is the difference between the abominable snowman and the abominable snowwoman ? Two abominable snowballs
"WHERE ARE ALL MY PITCHES AT!?!?!?!?" -upset marketing executive
Voyager 1 left the solar system 1 year ago and still gets a better signal than an iPhone in my apartment.
I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.
Top-down is the right way to wash just about anything... ...but apparently not convertibles.
You hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months
You know why it's so difficult to put together a baseball team of egotists? Everyone wants to play first.
How many recovering alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? We'll get on it next week
[Knock knock] Who's there? Allah. Allah who? #***ALLAHU AKBAR*** [everything explodes]
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse  but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.
Why is physics inherently racist? There's only two types of bodies: the free body and the black body.
Hey, want to play the rape game? No? That's the spirit!
What did the terrorist say about his popular reddit post? *I didn't expect this to blow up like it did!*
There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint. They collide... All the survivors were marooned.
The police arrested 2 kids today One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks They charged the first one and let the other off
sorry but if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a falcon then it shouldn't be called a dog
What's the difference between zombies? Q: What's the difference between zombies? A: Zombies make honey, and zombies don't.
TIFU by having unprotected sex. I thought the STD was standard.
So a cop pulled me over one day for speeding... he asked: "excuse me sir, but do you know how long i've been waiting for you?" i said:" i know, i'm sorry but i tried to get here as fast as i could."
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself. Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it.
Why do you never see black people on cruises? They're not falling for that one again!!
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
I want to become an artist I heard there's a lot of monet in that business
Why did the hipster drown, when he was iceskating? He was skating before it was cool
if you have 1 cricket ball in 1 hand and another cricket ball in the other, what do you have? 1 very large cricket
iOS 6 to present black screen with a big blinking "NO!" anytime someone tries to shoot video in portrait mode.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must've been really awkward.
Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber? He ran into the bank and shouted, "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuck up!!!"
I like my beer like i like my violence... Domestic.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before? Me: No [nervous because it's my 1st interview] Me: But I used to be an embryo
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road? Because he got hit by a car.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill. Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask? The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!
A man went to see his doctor "You need to stop masturbating" said the doctor. "Why?" asked the man. The doctor replied "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
A little doctor joke Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm in a large African river! Doctor: Ah, you must be in denial.
Him: Are you gonna kill me? Me: WHAT? Him: Your mood swings. I figured today's the day I die. Me: Him: *whispers* Please don't hurt me.
They say dad's a transvestite. -Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite! -Son, your mom's in the kitchen.
I recently found out that I'm colorblind... It came out of the purple.
Batman (1989): An orphan fights a clown
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
What's the difference between the holocaust and killing 5 black men? 5,999,997
What do you get when you cross astronomy and cosmology with a dyslexic girl at starbucks? Astrology, cosmetology, and a pumpkin space latte
Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.
"Waiter waiterthere's a hand in my  soup." "That's not your soup sir that's your finger bowl."
Hey girl Are you the new gorilla exhibit? Because I want to throw a baby in you.
What should we call it when a man is beautiful? "Footseveral?" No but I feel like you're on the right track
if darth vader hadn't gotten a job working for palpatine, what would have been his backup plan? anakin dogwalker
Why was the black man selling drugs? He was a pharmacist.
Sure glad I filled my iPod with shit that I hate.
What's the difference between light and hard? Well, you can sleep with a light on...
What do you call a red headed baker? A ginger bread man
How many depressed people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who cares...
I Used To Date A Girl With A Lazy Eye... Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
My internet connection is just like my Ex-Girlfriend Unstable
A man overdosed on viagra It was the hardest day of his life
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell 'em that subtweet wasn't about them.
I am a bank robber... I took a pen from the teller
Why did Microsoft go straight from Windows 8 to Windows 10? BECAUSE SEVEN ATE NINE *drops mic*
How do you pick up a smokin' hot Jewish girl? Broom and a Dustpan.
Two pretzels were walking down the street, then one got a-salted
I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?" The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
Heisenberg got pulled over by the cops for speeding Winding down his window, he was greeted by a shout of "Do you know how fast you were going?!" "Not a clue, but I know *exactly* where I was."
I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you're coming to my room.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he didn't want to be spotted!
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
What is Kanye's favorite Transformer? Bruce Jenner
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono. At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Clearly cheating A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Why are all black people fast? The slow ones got caught.
What did God say when he made the first black guy? ...Oops I burned one!
I'm a carbie girl in a barbie world.
Do you have elections in Japan? Yes, I have one evely molning.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world... ...those who can count and those who can't
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he's raping someone? "Come with me if you want to live!"
Two cannibals are eating a comedian "Does this guy taste a little funny to you?"
How do black geese call to white geese? HONKEY! HONKEY!
Study shows 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. Not me, though. I live next door to 2 really hot middle school girls.
Saint Peter in Heaven So, I was in the mood for some "Saint Peter in the gates of Heaven" jokes... Anyone have something?
Babe are you a new software update? Because not now.
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? Because I really don't like running the 400M dash.
Duck jokes really quack me up.
I'm putting salt in this mustard and I'm calling it Saline Dijon and you can't stop me
I have 12 fish, 5 drown how many do I have left? 12! Fish cant drown! (Dont be that guy and tell the truth about fish drowning)
"Apology not accepted" - what to say if you want to fight in Canada
"I might be a sex virgin but I'm not a virgin at AWESOME MAGIC TRICKS!" *trips on cape, knocks over table with punchbowl & cookies*
8 letter word for the somewhat-outdated practice by male prisoners of giving their female co-criminals first pick at the bootleg weapons? Shivalry.
Poor humpty dumpty... If only he had a hot bath before the accident he still would have been here today.
say a prayer for all the men who are forced to carry their girlfriends' purses
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Megasoreass, What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopuss
So my car broke down My mechanic said it was obvious I'd blown a seal. I said keep my private life out of it and just fix the damn car!
Life dull? Add 'or die trying' to every statement. "I'm gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING." Instant excitement.
Capitalization is important There's a big difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
What did the rabbi say after he was diagnosed with an aggressive and inoperable form of brain cancer, and his wife and child died in a car crash while driving to the hospital? "Oy vey!"
What's black on the bottom and white on the top? Society.
What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What's White and Sticky? Glue.
If someone gave me a dollar for every woman I ever satisfied... I'd owe them 5 bucks
If ever you're feeling down, and I can't be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
How do you explain a man birthing a baby? Taco bell for lunch
What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.
What do you call two lesbian dinosaurs? Lickalotypus.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer' f*ck off' to go away'.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
What do you call a retarded Jew? Auschwitistic
My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange. I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.
What's Dracula's favorite beer? Bloodweiser
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." - neighborhood drunk
What's the name of the Hogwarts Professor that has an STI? Syphilis Snape
A fish swims into a wall Dam
What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish
Buying a parachute at a yard sale The sign says "$5. Only used once. Never opened."
Which is the most eco-friendly subreddit? r/Jokes, because 99% of its products are made from recycled material.
New drinking game: Every time Senator Bernie Sanders proposes something free, chug someone else's beer.
What if sharks hug with their mouths? Just sayin.
There is a guy at my job who wears a turban... ...I wonder if he has ever called in Sikh to work?
How would you feel if you were raped for every rape joke you made? Sore
What's a pedophile's favorite music scale? A minor
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the light bulb for being broke.
I like my beer like i like my violence.. Domestic
Sarah fell of the swing because she has no arms..... Knock knock Who's there? Not sarah!
Urethra! I've done it! ...says the gynecologist after a spectacular discovery. "I don't think that's quite right sir," says the patient.
Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.
I'm still not convinced that "the club" is a real place. Rap songs might as well be about hanging out in Westeros.
I finally have enough money in my retirement account for the rest of my life. If I die on Tuesday.
Four guys walk into a bar One ducked
Ice is a lot like girls They both get wet when you eat them
A children's museum SOUNDS like a good idea... ...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that.
My friend keeps dressing up like a pregnant Corgi for Halloween... Me: "Dude, stop being be bitch!"
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokemon
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, "I think you owe me an apology," then turn off your phone and go to bed
Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. What a sad state of affairs.
How many dragon ball characters does it take to change a light bulb ? Only one... but it will take a few episodes. ~~The lightbulb saga~~
I looked at a penny under the microscope. What I saw was magnificent.
me: *tries to befriend another human being* another human being: oh, no thank you
I bet if you work at Tyson Foods sometimes the correct answer to "guess what" really is "chicken butt."
My Wallet My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry :-(
"I got your back" "And I got your nose" "Ooh I want his feet" Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it
Once I walked across a road when the light was red. I felt so bad I went back and waited for the light to turn green.
You just HAD to let snakes and spiders on the Ark, didn't you Noah? Way to go, man. Way. To. Go.
Had a fight with an erection today... I beat it single handedly.
Why did the bigamist cross the road? To get to the other bride.
"Keep busy, you should." Yoda said. "Make your Dagobah faster, it will."
epileptic with a sword What do you get when an epileptic person fights an iceberg with a sword? Seizure Salad
What is a jew's favourite bread? Shabbat-a
What do you call a broke actor? Johnny Debt.
My uncle Fred used to say " What you can't hear can't harm you" *used to* He was killed by ninjas.
I'll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I'll be over there for you.
A lot of people say they're "real" as if it's some sort of redeeming quality. Try not being an asshole. How's that for real?
The local barber was arrested for selling drugs I think it's completely insane! I've been his customer for years and I had no clue he was a barber.
What did the man put on his car when  the weather was cold? An extra muffler.
They asked if I could perform the castration. I said I could pull it off.
What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes? Dishrespectful...
Why does Donald Trump put his name on his buildings? So the banks know which ones to seize
I was talking to my science class... ...about Astronomical Units (Au). Our conversation was gold.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth...and drink all the vodka inside. It seems to help
There are 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who where expecting a ternary joke.
Q: What does a cat sleep on? A: A caterpillow.
What's the difference between committing seppuku and impaling yourself with a sword? They're the same thing but committing seppuku comes with a little twist.
America's immigration problems are over. Who'd want to live here?
[date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I'm done ME: ruh roh
What do two gay guys have for breakfast? AIDS and bacon.
I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry The job has its prose and Khans
How do you disappoint a redditor? Just say "Ifunny is better than reddit"
I identify with sleeping... Yeah, I'm a nap-kin.
For Sale: Thick layer of dust. As seen on TV.
I think it's important to remember that woman aren't sex objects; women are sex people.
Mandela dead at 95. Respect. That's 5mph faster than Paul Walker.
I don't go to the circus. Not because I'm scared of clowns, but because I'm scared of people who go to the circus.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
How are Princess Diana and Pink Floyd alike? Their last big hit was The Wall.
Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards off the boat? Because if they went forward they'd be in the boat
What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
So these two blondes walk into a building.. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
Can't believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
What is Michelle Obama's favorite dish to cook? Baracolli
Why did Jon lick the cat's butt Because the dog was busy
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster. As a result, they're now all my enemies, but they're naked & having cereal for brekkie.
There should be a Photoshop function to automatically remove unwanted trolls from the background of your pictures 'Photo Balm'
I won a fight that was five against one in Baltimore today. We totally kicked the shit out of that guy.
I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.
Where did the amino acid go to church? The cysteine chapel.
Did you hear the one about the Jewish carpenter? I heard he nailed it!
A steak pun is a rare medium well done
I'm thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I'm gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?
Two fish were in a tank.. one turned back and said to another.."How do you drive this thing?"
Whats Harry Potter's favorite way of going down a hill? Walking... JK Rolling
What's a rabbits' favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Leg Chat: What did the left leg say to the right leg? Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg? A: "That one in the middle thinks he's hard."
"If I had a bookstore I'd make the mystery section really hard to find."
The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog's ass.
I'm certain my job is interfering with my drinking
Who would still buy a Note 7 after all the controversy? A Muslim
What do goats do on election day? Voat. co
A University professor goes to his German doctor about a strange mole... "Ich bin ein doctor."
A teen girl is talking to her mother about the birds and the bees. She asks her mother if it's possible to get pregnant from anal sex. The mother says, "Why yes, that's how lawyers are born!"
A scoutmaster asked one of his  troop what good deed he had done for the day. 'Well' said the Scout.  'Mum had only one dose of castor oil left so I let my baby brother have it.'
Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don't judge ME because YOU didn't get laid last night.
Dark chocolate tastes like chocolate that started doing CrossFit.
Did you hear about the blackout? Don't worry, they caught him.
Let me put things into perspective for you. persp(things)ective
What is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I'm driving.
Met a hot waitress at a Seafood Restaurant. She gave me crabs.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Good cop: where's the body? Bad cop: answer him! *pounds table* Jenga cop: God damn it!
"Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's a monster wearing a shit ton of makeup." -Maybelline
What do you call a russian tree? Dimitree
What do you call someone obsessed with France A ouiaboo
What's the difference between a Donald Trump and Ellen Pao? Edit: Trump can ruin a business right.
They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, but it really feels like the most sincere form of assholery.
Bookstores are a great place to meet women... ... But not so if your opening line is "What does this word mean?"
whats the difference between your sister and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it
Do you know how fast you were going sir? "15,000mph?" Wha? No,like 65? "Seems pretty slow wouldn't you say?" I guess so. "Ok bye" bye?
My carpenter refused to make me a kitchen worktop He said it would be counter-productive.
I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic... How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?
Anyone wanna buy some housing in Baltimore with me? I hear there's a fire sale
I donate all our garbage to Goodwill because who knows what those bums might have use for.
The time traveler made a poor taste gag about the atrocities of World War 3..... Everyone agreed, it was too soon.
How do the Russian people feel about their government? They're Putin up with it.
Why are black people afraid of high fives? They don't want to be left hanging
How many Software Engineers does it take to change a light-bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Q. What do you call a line dancer on a cruise? A. An Ocean "Liner"
Have you heard of the two Mexican firemen? Hose-A and Hose-B.
I was at a nightclub They played just dance I just danced They played twist I twisted They played jump I jumped They played come on Eileen, I was kicked out of the club
Can I buy you a drink? "I don't drink." *panics* Oh. Um...well, here's $12.
[lunch break] Gf: I have 30min Me: you thinking what im thinking? Gf: oh yea *starts undressing Me: *googles closest laser tag location
What do you call a crappy business man? an Entre"manure"
There are 10 types of people in this world.... .... Those who understand binary code, and those who don't.
Which famous pop duo were the best at delivering cereal? Haulin' Oates
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad!
Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.
What brand of pen does Lance Armstrong use? Uni-ball
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I'm being stalked
I'm a screamer Not sexually just life in general
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy . Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Simba was moving too slow, so I told him........... Mufasa
FARMER: you ok man? ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol FARMER: lol ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Obesity cures wrinkles.
What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?  A funny bunny
What did the man say when he saw the Jewish man stealing his water? "Water Jew doing?"
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as a choir boy.
if you write something and include a "tl;dr" version that just means you're shitty at keeping peoples attention with your awful writing
My friend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Because he always knew what the punchline would be. Why didn't the psychic laugh at any jokes?
I have a love/hate relationship with going to extremes.
Hey! You got your chatroulette in my peanut butter.
My friend told me that my herb garden looks like a mullet. I keep the basil in the front and the parsley in the back.
Might stand on a construction site looking at blue prints today and see what happens.
I design castles. AMA! For this AMA, I'd like to focus on rampart.
You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people
What do you call a math class full of SJW's? Triggernometry.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It's supposed to prevent streaking.
[first day as a server] me: how would u like your steak person: well done me: thank you that's so kind it's my first day & i'm very nervous
A man in the restroom today almost pissed on my pants from the next urinal over. I yelled at him and he said "It's alright man. Wouldn't you rather be pissed off than pissed on?"
Wi Fi doesn't work so well in the office. HR will need to talk to this lazy Vietnamese.
How does Jesus like his hotwings? Tinder and Mild.
HOLY SHIT. THANK GOD TINA S. UPDATED HER FACEBOOK STATUS TO "i hate studyyinggg" OR ELSE WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN?! BIG NEWS, TINA! BIG NEWS.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Do you know how old I am? I'm so old that I was around when the Dead Sea was just sick. (Told to me by my grandfather)
I'm only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers
What did the homeowner say to the fruit growing gardener? Water me lawn
How can you tell if someone who's just had  a perm is on the phone? You get a frizzy signal!
Amazing scenes in rural US as Trump supporters are seen high-sixing each other.
You know what doesn't suck? A hooker that just won the lottery
I was thinking about getting a tattoo... [one liner] I was going to get a tattoo of a cross on my testicles, but I thought it would be too sacrilegious.
Why is a Mexican midget called 'a paragraph'? Because he's not a full ese.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pee soup.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room They said "Thank you" I said "Don't mention it"
Shoutout to the sidewalk For keeping me off the streets.....
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alberta ! Alberta who ! Alberta'll be over in a minute !
Apparently my facebook friend, Ashley, has a cat suffering from a horrible hairball. I'll be spending the day praying for it like she asked.
Christianity jokes Q: What did Jesus say while he was getting crucified? A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (feel free to share yours)
I don't want Hillary to become the first f president. Whoops, meant to say female but the "emale" got deleted!
A lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre... ...and the bartender gives it to her.
My girlfriend is like a lawnmower... Everyone is asking to borrow her.
They told him: your girlfriend is cheating on you.. He wiped away his tears &amp; asked : Which one ?
Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!
"Hey, somebody said..." [Joke here (vine)](/https://vine.co/v/eAzYADExnIO)
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Why does it suck to be an egg? You have to share a room with 11 guys. And it takes you 4 minute to get hard and 2 minute to get soft. The worst part? The only woman that sits on your face is your mom.
I wish I had one original thought in life. Don't be sorry, everyone does.
What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?" What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."
The say the job market isn't good for an English Major... ...but hey, at least you're still higher than a captain.
Three men walk into a bar, what's missing? The joke! Usually one would introduce this one with: "I'm gonna tell you a joke" - but since we are in /r/jokes here, the setup should be ok.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!! What do you call a cow with two legs? YOUR MUM!!
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers!
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Free.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
You want hear Latvian joke? Okay, I am tell... Why Latvian take so good pictures? No potato.
Why can kangaroos jump higher than a house? Because a house can't jump.
How do you make a guitar player's car more aerodynamic? Take off the pizza delivery sign.
Did you guys hear about the gay midget? Yeah, he just came out of the cupboard.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.
A Joke What do you call a promiscious asian lady? A yellow taxi.
I feel like Tampax  at a good place, but wrong time...
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Why did the scarecrow receive a Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field.
If an officer asks "do you know why I pulled you over" "Because it's the only way to get girls to talk to you?" is a bad answer, apparently.
What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts? Shark absorbers!
Did you hear about the Wall Street bankers that won the Nobel Peace Prize in Chemistry? They turned the economy into shit.
How do you email a sandwich? In bytes. *Ba dum tss*
Why did Saddam Hussein never have sex? ....because he was afraid he'd see Bush.
drity Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between people on Reddit and dead people? Dead people had lives.
Man, I hated Alex Haley, the author of Roots... He always had his niggers in a *twist*.
The Inuits don't deal with your crap, because they're having Nunavut.
Y'know I hear the N-word a hundred times a day... I need to stop yelling it at black people.
Whats the similarity between a reddit user and a vulture? Both are dead inside.
I lost my job at the orange juice factory They said I couldn't concentrate
Why did the duck go to the basketball game? He heard the ref was blowing fouls!
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because classical conditioning!
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn't want you to be happy."
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
"I'm scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious." - Dogs
What do you call a frugal Transformer? Optimus Dime.
What is a King's favourite piece of Golf Equipment? His Royal Tee
How to walk in 4 easy steps Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ben ! Ben who ? Ben knocking on this door all morning !
TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire. Whoops, wrong sub.
Why did the clock phone the ruler? Because desperate times call for desperate measures....
So a woman's eye fell out of her socket and landed in the middle of her breast. "BOOBS-eye!" she said.
Osama Bin Laden was really smart He created Airdrop before Apple did
Well if we're doing pirate jokes, here's one a classmate dropped on us: What's a pirate's favorite movie about the Iranian Hostage Crisis? Arrrrrrrrrgo.
I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? I don't use a feminist to kill myself when talking to a gun.
I'm not racist I have a colored T.V.
What do you do to an elephant with three balls? Walk him.
Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese. Called a builder, he was also Chinese. Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well ! Bloody Yellow Pages
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you're doing it too.
Did you hear that joke Ray Rice made? It has a great punchline.
If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.
In Europe it's called fruit by the 1/3rd of a meter.
Masturbation: It *comes in hand*y.
Why do jews have big noses? because the air is free
Where do Russian Spy's live? In a Snow Den. (This is a joke. Please refrain from yelling at me, that he is not a spy. Thank you and have a nice day.)
Punchline Wait, I probably wasn't supposed to put that in the title.
As a Lesbian... I like my men like I like my coffee- nowhere near my vagina.
what do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A-Flat-Minor
I offended a girl at Ethnicity Club. Apparently she didn't like my tone.
How many cow-lories does a cheeseburger have? Moo many...
100 million years ago there were no creationists.
How did Portland, Oregon protest Trump's wall? They blocked streets with a human wall
I like my women like i like my coffee Without a dick
My dad just gave me a toilet plunger as a house warming gift. Dads, they're always helpin you with shit 
Why does the can crusher hate his job? Because it's soda pressing.
I organized a threesome the other day. A couple of people didn't show, but I still had fun.
It sucks that slavery is illegal now... We have to get them from the black market these days.
Why did the Country Bear Jamboree bear blush? Because he was a bear a-singing. ..... I am at Disney with the kids this week...
Came up with this lame one... What do you call a posh shop that sells kitchen appliances? Selfridges.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. :(
I find gay sex disgusting, with all that penetration and stuff That is why I just ask guys to come on my face
The Dutch have invented a continuously-airborne plane. It never lands.
At the motel: Front Desk: And here's your key card sir .. Me: I'd like a wakeup call. FD: You're 20 lbs. overweight and your fly's open.
What's got six legs and can fly long distances ?  Three swallows !
What do you call a black woman who has had 8 abortions? A crime fighter.
I'm in a 12 step program for musical theatre addicts. I'm on step 5, 6, 7, and!
Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning. Don't forget your birth control, friends.
I'm going to carry on drinking, smoking, and having unprotected sex. Recent figures show that you are more likely to die in a plane crash.
"What? Only 2% Milk? Then what's the other 98%!?" [bull walking confidently out of the factory] Oh you don't wanna know
Morpheus, what happens if I take both pills? I'll pay you for them.
What's the difference between what Bill Cosby did and rape? I can't remember.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
[orders pizza] Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce? Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
What's the best part about dating a terminally ill cancer patient? They are their own birth control
Why do women watch porn movies from start to finish ? They think there will be a wedding at the end.
What do you do to get rid of an obese demon? You exorcise him.
A French man asks... "Do you even lift, breaux?"
A magician is walking down the street He turns into a store
I feel sorry for Santa..... I hear he only cums once a year....maybe it's his age.....
When you're sliding into first.... Inspired by a LeBron James thread from /pics of all things.... What's your favorite?
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless
The Honorable Judge Matthew McConaughey enters the court room All rise all rise all rise.
Who makes a drinking sound like this *makes drinking sound*? GEORGE GRASHINGTON!
Donald Trump just kicked a Mexican out of his press conference for not waiting their turn like everyone else.
I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it's just because he's Canadian.
Why do politicians spend so much time at playgrounds? Because it's a great place to pick up swing voters.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Get in the car
What did Michael Jackson almost name his daughter? Nata-LEE-HEE!
Looking to find a way to say "I'm not mad at you" without actual human communication? Try a Facebook Like today!
Who makes the lemonade at a hospital? A Fizzy-o-Therapist.
Where do toilets live? Porcel Lane.
Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before social interactions, very helpful.
I like my girls like Han from Star Wars with a hairy Wookie.
Stalin's political career didn't really take off, until he played the trump card -Seize the means of reproduction!
Why do blondes have one more brain cell than cows?... So when you pull on a blonde's tit, she doesn't s**t on the floor.
I'm not saying she's worse than my mom... But my wife doesn't seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Amazon Prime Day
So a woman walks up to a tall guy and says "hey, can you get me that box on the top shelf"
Assholes are like opinions Everyone has one, and they all stink
How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? 30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.
Teacher Jokes Teacher If Cannot is short for cannot. What is Don"t short for? pupil. doughnut.
I'm trying this Paleo lifestyle where I live in constant fear and die at the age of 28
I was scared shitless when I found out I was constipated.
Why are blondes so good with odd numbers? Because they, like, can't even!
Yeah.. 2 Girls 1 Cup I used to fap to that til I realized it wasn't ice cream.
Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans dropping an F-bomb on Japan. Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked.
Energizer Bunny made a mess.... I put the batteries in backwards and it just kept cumming and cumming
What do you call a cross between a bulldog and shitzu? Its called "Whatever comes out of Donald Trump's mouth".
Why are Jewish Men Circumcised? Because Jewish Women won't buy anything unless it's 25% off. You're welcome Reddit
Things the GOP has battled this week: 1. Ethics 2. Intelligence
Q) What do you call a group of 8 rabbits? A) Rabbyte!
My dentist told me I have to stop masturbating. I said, "Why?" He said, "Because I'm trying to work on your teeth!"
Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...
Two competing podiatrists opened offices next door to each other... They were arch enemies. Edit: Spelling
Why did Jesus leave the dance floor? Because it was Hammertime'
What do you call it, when you stick a bunch of noodles up your bum Pennetration
What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater? A seehorse.
Group Assignments Person: I have an Idea Me: So Did Hitler
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids... ...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
I slipped in the shower and almost fell... Good thing my uncle caught me
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  vampire. Necks please!
Why did the cowboy get a Dachshund? Because he wanted to get a loooong little doggie.
What did Jesus said when he resurrected ? Fucking lag, three days to respawn !
A priest, rapist, and a pedophile comes into a bar... He then sits down and buys a beer
I find frying pans really hot. I guess you could say I'm pansexual.
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? An elephant with diarrhea...
Why do midgets have bad breath? Because their asses are closer to their mouths.
It's exhausting typing "NO ONE GIVES A SHIT" to all your friends' baby pics on Facebook.
Me: So, what are your thoughts? Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues. Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I'm fat?!
My wife is much happier with a beer inside her. I just wish she'd drink it afterwards.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's like a really obscure number you have probably never heard of.
Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.
Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling cocaine in a tobacco store. They were close, but no cigar.
Did you here Whitey Bulger was put in solitary confinement because he was caught masterbating in his cell? It was a sticky situation.
Misanthropy I joined the local misanthropes society but none of the other members like me.
Why was the hipster wearing a scarf during the summer? He liked wearing scarves before it got cool.
I carry a backpack full of receipts and gum wrappers and go through it while I'm at a cashier until someone who's frustrated pays for me.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, you idiot, breathe!!!!
Archimedes law of bathing When your body immersed in water, the phone rings
Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something. So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and told her, "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".
Highways are a lot like toilets... It only takes a couple big shits to back everything up.
What do you get if you put 100 paralitycs in a hot tub? A vegetable soup
What would Martin Luther King Jr. be if he were white? Alive
If I had a nickel for every time my pants have fallen down from carrying around too many nickles.
as a kid, if i misbehaved my dad would come into my room and shoot me in my head with a real gun, killing me. it made me a stronger person.
I saw a man drinking brake fluid. But then he stopped.
Know the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish.
How do reptilians melt steel beams? thermite.
oneconfess At a job interview director told me that he cannot give me a job because I do not have enough points, but he can give me a son. #oneconfess
Christmas is canceled this year. Hoe HOoo HOe Hooo Hoooo were his last words as Kanye gunned him down for disrespecting his woman.
At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ...Bad-um Tst
I met a French gentleman in the bathroom. How do I know he was French, do you ask? He went oui, oui. Source: my 13 year old brother.
You may be cool.. ...but you'll never be -274 C cool.
If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?
Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK.
Knock knock, Who's there? Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris who? ...? Sorry, the joke is over when Chuck Norris gets involved!
I felt shit today My finger went through the toilet paper
Doctor Doctor I feel like a needle. I see your point! Tell me straight Doc Is it bad? Well I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas!
I would never let my kids watch the orchestra Way too much sax and violins.
Case closed Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
I don't have ADD. It's just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Two black men jumped off the building. Who reached the ground first? Noone cares.
Life is like a box of chocolates.... It doesn't last too long for fat people.
My waxer just cancelled. So I'm making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.
It's too tight Girl: It's too tight! Boy: Don't worry, I'll do it slowly Girl: Push it in! Boy: Ah, I can't... Girl: It's painful... Boy: Forget it. I'll just buy a new wedding ring
Bill Cosby used to be my rolemodel... Until i found out he was a comedian.
My wife is an archaeologist I met her at a dig site, we carbon dated for a while and the rest is history.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he's all wagging his tail, but I know he's not listening. I get it ladies.
What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke
What's the difference between a microwave and butt fucking? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
What do you call the owner of Frigidaire? A refrigerator magnate
My boss just informed me that "It's FRIDAY" is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say "You silly goose."
If I ever wave back at someone who wasn't waving at me, I just leave my hand up in the air, hail a cab and tell him to drive me off a cliff
I promised myself to stop jacking off to porn... It's gonna be hard for the next couple weeks.
I'm currently between relationships. The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.
If a threesome is with 3 people... If a threesome is with 3 people and a foursome is with 4 people I can see why they call you handsome.
You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."
"Doctor doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me!" "Next please."
I wouldn't say my neighbourhood's been gentrified But it's been demilitarised
Lazy People Fact #5812672793 You were too lazy to read that number.
every fight is a food fight... ...when you're a cannibal.
Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.
How many Elvis impersonators does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One for the money, two for the show.
So I drank a bottle of colon cleanser this morning... Just kidding, I'm full of shit.
If I could see 5 years into the future... would I still have 2020 vision?
So Jared Fogle was actually reported to have been spotted at a local Macy's. He heard Boys pant were half off.
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kids? Easy on the candy!
I'd be surprised if no one had ever tried to get pity sex using their Web MD results. "But, baby, I'm dying..."
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places... ...My doctor told me to stay away from those places.
What's the fastest to have George Zimmerman pull a gun on you?
'I'm sorry' and 'my bad' are frequently used interchangeably... ... but never at a funeral.
The Whale was uneasy. "I'm afraid Jonah is not satisfied with his accommodations" said the whale. "What gave you that idea?" queried the octopus. "Oh, I have inside information" said the whale.
Why did Hitler fail math in high school? Because he could never get to the Final Solution.
Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer? He had loco motives
I bet firemen "super-bidet" each other when they're bored.
What's the difference between cancer and a black guy? Cancer can get jobs
I got arrested for indecent exposure after my neighbour claimed he could see my penis. Maybe he should get a smaller postbox?
Carving a boob into a tree would be pretty cool, Wooden tit?
It's always a shame when people die so young... there's just so many things they'll never get to Chekov their bucket list.
Counting to ten after someone pisses you off gives you time to think of somewhere to bury them.
what does past, present, and future have in common? ...... tense
I work with some really great people. They're reliable, they're honest and they never cause any problems. I don't fit in at all.
Student l: "Did you know that ghosts are protected by the Constitution?" Student 2: "They are?" Student 1: "Sure. It's in the Bill of Frights!"
The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Donald Trump if elected President will change the name of his plane Hair Force One
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheel chair. (And yes, I know I'm going to hell)
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school the secret service would be out-gunned!
What's the difference between a psychiatrist and his patients at the mental hospital? The patients are the ones that get better and get to go home.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled "supplies!"
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.
[In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
What do you call a fight between a mexican and a pedophile? Alien VS Predator
Zoo... I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage. A sign read: "Bread in captivity."
Do zombies rule? Of corpse they do!
What are eight small pieces of cookie the equivalent of? One byte
A dick in the hand is worth two in the tush
Ladies: Stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet.....Sweeping is your job.
I like my women like I like my wine. 5 years old and locked in a cellar. (I CAN FEEL THE RETRIBUTION ALREADY)
What do you call those people who follow musicians around and try to hang with them after the show? Drummers.
I'm really glad I'm taking physics... ...because although my grade falling, at least I can calculate it's velocity.
Greatest pickup line that never works!! I put the STD in stud, now all I need is U.
Q: Why did the man tear a page out of the calendar? A: He wanted to take a month off.
What did the gentleman say to the doctor when he went to get his pus drained? Please! I in cyst!
Think training raptors is tough? Imagine Dragons.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice
I have seasonal depression I'm depressed in the spring, summer, fall and winter
After being made bishop, a man is asked what his next move will be. Diagonal.
What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? I see dead people.
What would the punishment be for smoking a joint in the times of Jesus Christ? You would get stoned. And then get rocks thrown at you.
Europeans use euros shouldn't Africans use afros?
"What's a karate experts favorite drink?" "Karatea!" Fargo is the shit...
Facebook, where a bathroom shot of a duckface is considered hot'
Did you hear about the Amish woman who got arrested? She was doing 2 Mennonite a night
What do you call bovine masturbation? Beef stroganoff!
Q: What's red and not there? A: No tomatoes.
*shows up at your work* "Hi, it's me. From the internet."
The french word for "unfortunately" has 15 letters The english word for unfortunately has 13, but it's two short EDIT: For the curious, the french word is "malheureusement"
I know what cock your sister is sucking on now. KFC
What do you call an ESA engineer serving the comet lander? Philae Minion
I killed 3 men yesterday... All 5 of them were black.
I hope none of these haystacks are sharing needles.
What's different between Trump and the Lannisters? A Lannister always pays his debts.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
What's black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight.
Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope? The knife just wasn't cutting it.
My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.
I hate toilet seats... They're all assholes.
The Government
Do you love hiding electrical outlets? Well an exciting career in hotel design might be just what you're looking for!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Why is Bruce Wayne's hair messed up? Because of his cowlick.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? the snowBALLS
among countless other horrible crimes the KKK also ruined the badass title of "Grand Wizard" for every other organization forever
Dr: your father is real sick Woman: [sobbing] how long? [her dad wheelies past on a bmx] Dr: almost six yards that time
Well it's taken 10 years, but I've just finished my first book.... I think I will start reading another tomorrow..
Hear about the new book that teaches both reading and STD prevention? It's called See Dick Run.
What do a hurricane a tornado a fire and a divorce have in common?  They are four ways you can lose your house!
Why are they called jokes? Because calling them republican presidential candidates would make me cry.
What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence
How do you know when you should stop eating? When you start wearing the same bra size as your wife.
So if you help Jack get on the horse... do you help Jack off the horse?
What's the difference between meat and chicken? If you beat your chicken it dies.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
"How about know" -existentialist teen
Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.
Russia will eat Turkey for thanksgiving this year.
What joke has recieved the most upvotes on Reddit? Redditors.
[at my dad's funeral after he drowns] ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It's what he would have wanted...
Greatest pun joke coming in three..two.. pun
At my age, a new driver's license doesn't have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven't Expired On date.
Why did Mr. Steaks decide he would take his wife's surname? Because he didn't want his daughters to be called Ms. Steaks.
I knew a man with a mushroom farm. What a fun guy.
If two cannibals fight Does that make it a food fight?
Donald Trump like his women like he likes his Geneva Conventions Mostly ignored, but regularly violated.
I keep fixing my door every time my British friend leaves He always brexit.
"Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest." Britney Spears whispers, "Amateur."
What can give you life, but also kill you? Your father...
[texting] So what's your name? "ily" omg this is moving too fast. ILY: (yelling) IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming. They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"
Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late.. ..April fools!"
What's the difference between a lobster with implants and an old, dirty bus stop? One's a busty crustacean and one's a crusty bus station.
Never trust someone who runs for "fun."
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Center for Disease Control: overconsumption of beta-carotene linked to dangerous rise in pH of blood In other words, pumpkin spice lattes make you basic.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I don't know why everyone says quitting smoking is so hard; I've done it hundreds of times.
Eating a banana faster to try and hide it only makes you look even more gay.
What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster? You can dip a biscuit in your tea but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.
I don't wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is.
There was an old man from Peru... whose limericks all end on line two.
What does the Doctor say on a one-night stand going wrong? [It's bigger on the inside](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU)
What's the difference between eating at a restaurant and standing in a field of cows? I don't tip at restaurants.
I wonder if Southern Belles say "I do declare" a lot when they're doing their taxes.
Mental illness isn't a disease... ... It's all in the mind.
My girlfriend and I really like the alphabet I kept 25 of the letters but I gave her the D.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber. Genie: Be realistic. Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend. Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
What's the difference between the G-Spot and Jack Daniels? I'll actually look for the Jack Daniels.
One dog asks another dog how 2014 has been for him. He answers "It has been a ruff year".
*destroys head of lettuce* *becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
A black man, an Asian and a Mexican walk into a bar and the bartender tells them to get out.
I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless
What were the lawyer's final words to the man who killed him? I'll sue you in hell!
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Choked
Why did MacDonald's ban Tumblr? Because they don't serve Trans-Fats.
What do you call someone with lots of imaginary friends? Schizofriendic
The HR takes the top 20 application folders from the pile and throw it in the trash. Those people have bad luck. We don't want people with bad luck.
Sure he's handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M's in his mouth at once? I didn' fink fo
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in "Damn it, c'mon, not again!" he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Singer Adele was rushed to the hospital after a fatal car accident Paramedics said they found her rolling in the jeep.
While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted, "Photons matter!"
My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores me until she needs something.
King Midas doesn't like baths He likes golden showers.
Why do lesbians only shop at REI? Because they don't like Dick's.
Who's the idiot that called it "The Wizard of Oz" and not "The Flair Witch Project"?
Why the chicken cross the road? To look for his cock.
[At the job interview] "Why did you leave your last job?" "They took a vote."
Why is it not a good idea to tell your parents about your failures while they are on an elevator? It would cause them to be disappointed on many different levels.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games, What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4.!
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread? Because he tried to get fresh.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You 'Neak Up On It.
what do you call a retarded person who crapped their pants down in the dump.
Give weeds an inch... And they'll take a yard.
We think you may have a phobia of marriage Doctor: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are? Me: I can't say I do. Doctor: That's one of the symptoms, yes.
q uo poq  nq   s  s s
Jesus walks into a hotel He hands the inn keeper 3 nails and asks, "Could you put me up for the night?" Credit to the movie "The Crow" Edit: I'm going to hell.
What do you call Samsung store security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate Him: U started your diet, didn't u
One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 :(
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants?" "Over there by mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
My girlfriend asked me to send her a dick pic. But my panorama app kept crashing.
I was actually president of the anti-voting club in high school ... I never got re-elected
me: helo darkness my old friend darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004. Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? TWO....but it's really hard to get them in there
What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball? A bouncing baby boa.
You know how when you're a kid you think your dad is Superman.. Then you grow up and realize that he's just a drunk with a cape.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark? The period: it marks the end of his sentence.
If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there's a 95% chance you'll get out of jury duty. Would be 100%. But, Texas.
I made an late-night appointment with my escort But she informed me she is only working normal orifice-hours these days.
Optometry jokes I just started optometry school and I'm in desperate need of optometry jokes. Any suggestions?
A man is about to jump off a skyscraper... but before he is able to, a physicist runs up to him and yells, "No! You have so much potential!"
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn't worth saving.
Brad Pitt was just telling my friend he liked me & then I woke up so it looks like the best part of my day is already bullshit & over.
We lost a planet but gained a zodiac sign. I guess that's a good constellation prize.
How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers
How many Juggalos does it take to change a light bulb? FUCKIN' LIGHT BULBS! HOW DO THEY WORK!?!
High grades The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car..."
Apple has created a new product only for the Chinese It's called i-opener
What's the difference between /r/funny and /r/jokes? /r/jokes is funny and /r/funny is a joke!
I hate the people who shout "THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR YOU CREEP". Who plays those kind of jokes anymore? You're scaring my wife. She's only 12, jeez.
Why did Yellow divorce Green? Because Green blue Indigo.
Michael Rosen walks into a bar... And he just fell over and died.
When midgets celebrate 4/20... Do they get high, or just get medium?
What's a sea serpent's favourite meal? Fish and ships!
Did you hear about the crowd of Catholic priests at baby Gap? The sign in the window advertised "Little Boys Pants Half Off!"
Whenever someone says they have "a thing" for me, I secretly hope it's a pony.
"when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
I'm white, but... Nope. Can't do one of those today. Look, I'm at a B&B on Cape Cod right now. I'm a fanny pack away from translucent.
Since you guys like clean jokes, here is one.
What is the similarity between tornadoes and divorces in Kentucky? ... either way, someone is losing a trailer.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your Random Party Pics 08 album  at 4am.
What type of wind is named after a young deer?  Foehn
What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza? Skinning the vegan.
Like Rachel Dolezal, I too have been pretending to be something I'm not. For years, I've pretended to be white, when I'm actually a ladder.
How do pigs gets to hospital? In a hambulance
How do you spell socks in Spanish? Eso si que es.
I'm dating a half-Asian girl. Her mom's Korean and her dad's Korean, and her legs got torn off in a car accident. - Dan Mintz
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It's like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
"nice dog or cat or baby or whatever" i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. "was it expensive?"
Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko
I went to kuwait, found no squirrels there.. No animal can sustain a burst of oil everytime they bury a nut.
Ever hear about that guy who sued the door factory? It was an open and shut case.
Bear and Rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, Bear turns to Rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" Rabbit says no and Bear whipes his ass with Rabbit.
Why is the ocean salty? Because the land never waves back.
Yo mama is so fat... That Seaworld is looking for her to make sure she no longer breeds.
Why do Belgians eat their french fries out of a funnel? They never want to lose a brown one once they've been burned
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
Teenage Mutant African Mammals Lionardo Giraffael Rhinotello Michelantelope
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants, and a dirty bus stop? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a charming tool? A rake
A kid got in trouble for masturbating in the coat room All he did was jacket
How do pirates know they are pirates? They think therefore they arrr
Two condoms are walking down the street... And they pass a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and asks "hey wanna get shit faced?"
after one year of practice i attempt my first gangnam style dance in front of my coworkers
I have a little joke that always makes women laugh My penis
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
TIFU in math class by saying 'subduct' instead of 'subtract' whoops, wrong sub
What's the best part about showering with a 5 year-old? The water washes away her tears
What do you get when you combine a goat egg and a goat sperm? A Zy-Goat I'll escort myself out.
If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap
Your brain has 2 parts! The left part where nothing is right and Right part where nothing is left
I got fired from the banana plantation for "wasting resources" All i did was throw out the Bent ones
What do men and women have in common? Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.
I consider Words with Friends a work-related activity because it helps me take my mind off being stuck in this shithole.
My girlfriend doesn't give me any space in the bed, so I bought a bigger bed.
Where does an octopus go to buy shoes? Inke
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Have you guys heard about that new broom that's sweeping the nation? I heard it literally leaves its competitors in the dust!
Once I made the mistake of telling Jesus to take the wheel on a Sunday. Once.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
How much did Adidas spend in advertising at the World Cup this year? At least a brazillion dollars...
My dick was in the book of "Guiness World Records" once ... ... until the librarian caught me and decided to throw me out
i told my cousin to embrace her mistakes. she cried. then she hugged her children.
What do you call a hired investigator who's a jerk only when he's alone? A private dick.
Dude tried to go medieval on my ass, so I went renaissance on his and confused him with my drawings of a flying machine
Someone called me racist for saying "black paint" Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence"
Anti-vaxxers hate Lil John He's always promoting shots.
I want to start a subreddit about erectile dysfunction, but I seem to be having a hard time getting it up.
So I stuck a flashdrive up this girls butthole... ..and WOOOOO you won't believe the shit she started singin!!!
People often invent statistics to prove a point they are making. 5 out of 3 people who do this actually don't understand numbers.
I started seeing a therapist about my fear of bridges. Turns out I have severe truss issues.
A boy asks the teacher, "what's infinity?" Teacher: "think of a number." Boy: "ok, I've got one." Teacher: "good, that's not it!"
Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor? He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.
My ratt bit me yesterday. I guess you could say we had a lack of communication.
Cop: What happened? Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats. Cop: Can you describe the accident. Me: Adorable?
*Tips fedora at a mosquito* M'laria
I regret joining the gym recently.. leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds
You know what's a big ripoff? Velcro
If I could fly, I know who I'd shit on first.
I married a moonshiners daughter Now she makes me liquor
CONGRATULATIONS It has been 24 0 days since you last stepped in cat puke.
No, YOUR incapable of properly employing the second-person possessive pronoun.
I watched a porn where the guy had a thing for older women. It was a coming of age story.
Dad always said, "Never get on one knee for a girl... ...who won't get on both for you."
What's a woman's favorite keyboard key? Ctrl
Your momma is so fat..... she ate all of reddits servers.
Some people make remarks about my dandruff. I just brush it off.
Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
Ray Rice hitting his wife on the elevator... Was wrong on so many levels. And I'll show myself out.
My girl told me to stop singing 'Wonderwall.' I said maybe
Why is it important for pious Muslim girls to wear the hijab? So that the semen doesn't keep getting in their hair.
What's the difference between feminists and hockey players? Hockey players shower after 3 periods.
Foreigner: I wanna know what love is.. Me: It's a feeling you get when.. Foreigner: I want you to show me.. Me: Ok, like wow. We just met
What flavor gum does the President prefer? Governmint Ill walk myself to the nearest border
Why did the music student have a piano in the  bathroom? Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.
My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don't eat ice cream for supper tonight.
Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand? Because she uses the other one to sing
I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper... She said, "Nobody uses newspapers anymore use my iPad" and she was right, that spider died in one swing!
How did the constipated mathematician solve the problem? He worked out with a pencil.
Son, who is that German guy who keeps hiding things in our house? Alzheimer, granpa.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and i closer together... Because *you* are an *idiot*.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You'd have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I'd say he was spineless. Yes about as spineless as cooked spaghetti.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection? A cracker with cheese
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.
The Patriots offered the Seahawks a chance to win the super bowl They said "no thanks, we'll pass."
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Found out one of my best friend is a prostitute... Now I see her in a completely different light
how do you kill a blonde with only one arm that climbed a lamppost? You wave to her.
Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.
WARNING Drinking before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she's still there.
Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a  snail? I don't know but it would slow him down.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I've narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Ever hear about the baby born with no eye lids? they used the skin from his circumcision to make some so now he is cock eyed
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
"Mom look! It's a toy blue-tooth!"(cereal prize in Doucheberries Crunch)
What do you call a disabled Asian? Sum Ting Wong.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos? Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
you ~~you~~ **your existence** ~~lol jk~~
What do you call a girl who hunts owls? A hooters shooter girl
They should rename "eye drops" to "cheek drops" so I don't feel bad every time I miss.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Do you have porridge for breakfast? Kevin Bacon
My girlfriend isn't a cunt She's not that deep or warm
Why did the mountain climber quit halfway through his climb? He really wasn't feeling up to it.
What did Hamlet say to his cat? Get thee to a nyanery!
My friend hates carnival, but his new girl friend makes him go anyway He's so whipped, he might as well dress up as a Saudi Arabian blogger.
Why are powerpuff girls sad? [Nsfw] Because they neither have boyfriends nor fingers
My rapper name would be "Iffy Scent"
What is the easiest way to get a small fortune? You start with a large one.
Job Interview I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know all sales don't have to be final.
What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a handsomely dressed man on a unicycle? Attire
I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up..... but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I have a fear of speed bumps But I am slowly getting over it
What did the one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved! Did you sea what I did there? I'm shore you did, beach.
A man walks up to a barman asking for a double entendre... He gave him one.
What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires? Bob.
"I just really need a good man to fill the hole" *100 men come running up "In my heart." *100 men run away
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee's is clapping
What is Jesus's go-to pickup line? Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?
A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.
What's red and black and scares women worldwide? Me in my red and black rape cape.
Everyone's an atheist until they're making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
What's a buddhists favourite curry? Chicken karma
What are the specs on your computer? Oh those? They're just my reading glasses.
What rhymes with "hug me"? Chutney.
I'm "yells at people who drive too fast in my neighborhood" years old
I recently found an audio bible narrated by James Earl Jones Overall it was good, though the book of Luke seemed a bit forced
My wife lost a bet and is now mowing the lawn. Well, not so much lost a bet as married the wrong guy.
shipwreck diary day 425: saw a ship and crew waved but didn't want to look dumb and wave back if they were waving to someone behind me
How do you stop a small dog from humping your leg? You pick it up and suck its dick!
What do you call an upside-down "W"? An M-poster
Dear Men. When a woman is upset, don't ask her what's wrong, but for fuck's sake don't not ask her what's wrong either. Hope this helps.
God is a sock He saves your sole
Jesus has been living in my heart for years... ...and I still haven't received one rent check! No wonder they call him king of the Jews...
Pascal: Come on, we must go! Me: Man, you are really making a lot of pressure for 1 Pascal.
(All credit goes to my 4 year old niece) How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentickles!
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
Failed a urine test... took a shit :(
I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.
I would tell a mexican joke.. I would tell a Mexican joke but that would be crossing the border..
Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book? It was Wei Tu Long.
Do you know the difference between a mailbox and an elephant's asshole? No? Remind me not to give you a letter to mail.
Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.
"911" you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat "how far apart are the contractions?" about 2 miles but I'm driving pretty fast
Be myself? BE MYSELF?!?! You don't care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If he doesn't sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he's not as into you as I am.
Did you hear about the rabbi who lost his job after a botched circumcision? He got the sac.
What animal is two animals at the same time? The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :) ... oh, wait.
I had to put my dog down today... He's getting to damn big to carry.
Have you heard about the new restaurant on Mars? The atmosphere was ok, but the place looked a bit rusty.
Why did God bless Texas? He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.
What's a... pederast? Shut the fuck up, Donny
Yes! Great! Bravo! Hurrah! Yippee! Cheers! Hooray! Rah Rah! Woo Hoo! Whoopee! Awesome! - Excerpt from "Fifty Shades of Yay!"
What do crossfitters call their trainers? Fairy WOD-mothers.
*do a little dance* *make a little love* *get kicked out of this funeral*
Trying not to ask my blind roommate if he masturbated too much.
Sometimes I really miss you (my ex)... Then I remember I have a hand and the internet.
You know what doesn't cry? Birth control
What do you call four Mexicans who can't swim? Cuatro cincos.
What did the footballer say when he accidentally  burped during a game? Sorry it was a freak hic!
[ice cream parlor] WIFE: I'll have two scoops of vanilla ME: me too, u could say I want an WIFE AND CLERK: please don't ME: ice cream clone
what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? rubbertoe
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches.
How do you say bra in German? dashud sthapem from flappen
A Redditor walked into a We took too long to load this page for you. Try again and hopefully we'll be fast enough this time.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear. 
The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there's no one around to see it.
I remember a time when my dad used to roll me down the hill in his old tires... ...Those were good years.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off. I asked, "Why?" She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
How do you say, Richard and Robert raped the rabbit, with no R's Dick and Bob fucked a bunny.
Interviewer: Any special skills? Me: Eclairvoyance. Him: I don't understand. Me: There's a box of donuts in your desk Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
What is a cat's favorite color? Purrple
What do you call someone who has ancestry back to China but is a 2nd generation US citizen and is a professional bodybuilder? Ben Ching.
what is the difference between aspirin and a strippers boyfriend? asprin works.
if i opened my Gryffindor Would you Slytherin?
My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
How do jewish people like their foreskins? [removed]
What do you call it when a Jedi doesn't heat something up fully? Luke warm
Sorry, I can't delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I found a typo on these Fruity Pebbles. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.
How do you get 4 girls to sit on one chair? You flip it upside down.
What did the failing kidney say to the healthy one? Urine charge now.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks outside.
I like my beer like i like my violence.. Domestic.
At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.
What do you call an infinite series with a finite result that has never had sex? Convirgin.
My dog got into a bag of baking soda this morning ...and now she's a basic bitch
How do aliens pay for their coffees? With Starbucks!
I have recently been saving up for a sex change I don't care what my wife thinks, she is going to have it
My dishwasher died the other day.... Does anyone have an extra wife i can borrow/have?
My grandma said the Internet has completely ruined people's ability to communicate properly. I told her she didn't know fuck about shit.
I asked a chinese girl for her number And she said " SEX SEX SEX! FREE SEX TONIGHT! I replied "wow!" Then, her friend said "I'm sorry, she meant, 6663629.
According to Ron Burgundy... According to Ron Burgundy from *Anchorman*, people from San Diago are known as Sandiagons. Then what are people from Tampa called?
I tried to do stand up comedy Didn't work so well since I'm in a wheelchair.
My little brother is the sweetest kid. Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Stillborn.
[At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
how do you get from floor to roof? smoke an L and look in the mirror
You know how some dogs turn around several times before lying down and going to sleep? They must be watch dogs. That's how they unwind.
I've spent the last hour masturbating on the couch. This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.
Finding exactly what right women don't have in America is like transmuting iron to gold. You can't.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she's fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that's pretty cool.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
I tried to donate a kidney once... ...they wouldn't take it though because I wouldn't tell them where I got it.
Hurricane Sandy I asked my bartender for a Hurricane Sandy. She looked confused and asked, "What is that?" I replied, "A watered down Manhattan."
What is a 6.9 ? A good thing ruined by a period.
Why does Edward Woodwood have four D's in his name? Because otherwise his name would be E-war Woo-woo.
My version of cyber-bullying is running around inside a Starbucks slamming people's laptops shut.
Shot my first turkey today.. scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section...
Redneck murders are hard to solve There are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.
What do you call an elephant with a poor memory? A bold and innovative departure from the hackneyed stereotypes that all too often dominate the joke-telling industry.
"Hey dude, Do you know any jokes about sodium bromate?" "NaBrO."
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can't enjoy any of it
What is the penalty for telling a bad joke? The joke is it's own pun-ishment.
I haven't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years. I really hope he's okay...
I walked into a store with a white shirt and blue Jeans and the cashier said... Welcome to our store, let us know when you **Need** anything. Xd
Ok, milk... Check! Potato salad... Check! Tomatoes... Check! "Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?"
What did the Nazi officer say when he was captured? It's not me; it's Jew.
Can orphans... eat at a family restaurant?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Burton ! Burton who ? Burton in the hand is worth two in the bush !
Opportunity knocked today, but just to inform me that he's a sex offender.
How can you tell when a vampire is sick? By his coffin!
I added Paul walker on xbox live the other day.. too bad he spends most of his time on the dashboard
Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn't even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.
What is black, white, and red all over? A Communist Propaganda film from the 1930s.
Happy National Alienate Several Friends By Calling One Friend Your Best Friend Day.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. My 8 y/o daughter told me this joke.
if america goes the way of greece, we'll be ending all our words with "ous." that's ridiculous! omg, it's already started
A good rule of thumb is It's opposable.
What's black and slides down Nelson's column? Winnie Mandela.
What do you get from a drunk chicken ? Scotch eggs !
Why did the tomato turn red It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call an old Mexican woman? A bean bag.
All I'm hearing about today is a really awesome owl A superb owl at that, I don't get it.
I think my coworkers are gay because every time I walk by, they mumble under their breath "what an ass!"
Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I'm too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I'm not too old for a pimple on the forehead
My doctor told me I have ADHD ... He said, ADHD is a condition that can affect children and adults that is characterized by problems ... blah, blah, blah, blah .. I did not listen to the rest.
What is Santa's favorite band? Slayer.
Why was the blonde nymphomaniac sad after she got her driver's license? She got an F in sex.
Why aren't there any pedophiles in Japan? Because they learned what happens when you touch a little boy.
Wrinkle Cream My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. "Oh," she said, walking away. "
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff Me: why not? GENIE: I make the rules ME: I wish I made the rules GENIE: ...dammit
What does a bum call a dumpster. A Bed and Breakfast.
Waiter: How did you find your steak sir? Customer: Oh I just moved the potatoes and there it was!
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon Tennish
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine doctor. Doctor: Oh really? Mary: Yes she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers. I nearly fell out of my tree.
Two Latino men grab a basketball. It was Juan on Juan
As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
What if Obama keeps the nuclear codes in a folder on his desktop called "Missile-aneous"? That'd be cute.
Hey girl, are you a grape? Because you are raisin my dick
I always go the extra mile... because I always miss the exit on the freeway.
What's different between Asians and Caucasians? We're opposites in terms of erections and math class - one's hard for each of us, while the other isn't.
A business that sells crucifix shaped skis called 'cross country'
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
You know what they say about men who wear dress shoes... They have no soles.
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
the bottom half of my legs are really interesting they're knee-toe
I've just turned a mortgage payment into wine. Your move, Jesus.
I think I was meant to be an American, because every one I've met is funny, smart, kind, and thinks too highly of themselves
So I went on r/news today.. [removed]
Werewolves are notoriously hard to find... Otherwise they'd be known as Therewolves.
Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009... They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.
What's E.T. short for? Because he only has little legs.
Why are gametes used in big marketing campaigns? Because sex cells
What did Bruce Banner get after having sex with as prostitute? a HULK RASH!!!!
Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy. Alcohol sales have never been higher.
WHAT IS THE BEST POSITION TO HAVE UGLY BABIES? I DON'T KNOW. ASK YOUR MOM.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question - probably a bird.
Why do Butchers don't risk it all in life? Because the Steaks are too high.
Amazing Farmer I met an amazing farmer today, he was out standing in his field..
Rape game Husband: Darling, let's play rape game Wife: No! Husband: Perfect start
I couldn't figure out why my data wasn't coming out like my classmate's, until I realized I dropped a square root in the formula. I put it back in and re-plotted the data. I saw a radical change.
What do you call a fat computer? A Dell.
"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "A law" "A law who?" "Allahu Akbar"
I like my steak like my women With my dick in it.
If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of 4 girls on Instagram, and then comment, "You 3 look great!" Magic will happen afterwards...
The three most read words in the world: I? ?L?o?v?e? ?Y?o?u? ...NO! It's: "Made in China."
Turns out 6 foot penguins don't exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
What's the difference between Santa and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney.
I came here to write jokes and waste your time But I'm out of jokes, so I'll just waste your time
Where does Arnie sit at the movies? Aisle B - Back.
What did the shoelace say when I tried to tie it? Uh, like, can you knot? *yessss my first original joke*
[Spoilers] What do gay dogs eat? Ramsay's dick
What's the difference between your wife and your work? After 5 years, your work still sucks.
What does German goalkeeper Manuel Neuer call it when he takes a dump and there is nothing on the toilet paper after wiping? A clean sheet.
Every month I clean my shower with an ammonia based solution... ... Which is ironic because ammonia is what made it dirty in the first place.
How do you practice eating out a black woman? Steel wool and mayonnaise
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa Not screaming in petrified terror, like his passengers.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Remember when you were a kid and used to blow Bubbles? Well, Bubbles is back in town and he's looking for your number.
Nobody ever believes me when I say I have to go to the bathroom. They always say that I'm full of crap
What's the worst thing about being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven
Racing car drivers The only profession where you are considered successful if you've had a checkered career.
As I've gotten older, I've realized the world can be seen through a million perspectives. Mine and 999,999 wrong ones.
Every time I see of a white person being killed by a wild animal in captivity, I think...Animal Cracker!
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Venus de Milo Barbie ...made of rock; no head no arms
Woman goes to the doctor... Woman goes to the doctor and says, "Everytime I sneeze I have an orgasam." The doctor asks, "What have you been doing for it?" She replies, "Snorting pepper."
Quick! How many chameleons are in the room with you right now? You can never answer this question with 100% certainty.
What did the fish say to the man draining its aquarium? WATER YOU DOING
If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..
When people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Remember that time I got drunk... Yeah me neither.
What did the judge say to the repeat sex offender at his arraignment? [Damn, Daniel - back at it again with the white van.](http://therealcape.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/white-van-png.jpg)
Uzbekistan Travel Advice In Samarkand some are kind and some are cunts.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.
The thing you don't know about soy milk is... It's really just introducing itself in Spanish. "Soy milk"
Why do Norwegians drive Chevys? They're afraid of drowning in a Fjord.
CW: How was your weekend? *finds nearest object* "Hello?" CW: Are you talking to a stapler? "I'm sorry, I have to take this."
How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Patty
A blind guy walks into a bar... Bartender: "What can I get you?" Blind guy: "I'll take a coke." Bartender: "Ice or no ice?" Blind guy: "No eyes...I'm blind you idiot!"
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding] lol a horse drawn carriage? "what's funny about that?" a horse can't hold a pencil karen
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A neutron walks into a bar... He sits down and orders a drink. When he finishes drinking, he pulls out his wallet and say to the Bartender, "How much?" The Bartender says, "For you? No charge."
Q: What did the parent say when the little girl was whining? A: Leave it to peave her.
Old Mr. Rosen goes to the Doctor Doctor: Mr. Rosen, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating. Mr. Rosen: Why? Doctor: So I can examine you.
Melania Trump and this sub are the same Both like to copy stuff and say them again
Used to go out with a girl who'd punch me in the face each time she had an orgasm. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
What do you call a politician that can play brass? Donald trumpet
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
A blind man with a dog... A blind man with a dog said, "One day I'll see it all." Then he sat down with his hammer and saw.
I never feel more racist than when trying to find my waiter at a Mexican restaurant.
What do ducks smoke? Quack.
What do ducks smoke? Quack!
I only know bad chemistry jokes Cause all the good ones Argon
What did a blonde's mother tell her blonde daughter? If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third... but I touched second.
Gas prices have me feeling like I'm robbing the gas station. "Just leave, before they change their mind."
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine. FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied. ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
What do you call a castrated German? A Munich
I rear-ended a guy on the way to work today Rectum.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I'm going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride. *adds humanitarian to resume
Spider-Man's a great addition to The Avengers, if they're looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.
I got a new job crushing cans... It's so depressing...
Procrastination is like masturbation It's fun at the time, but in the end you're just fucking yourself.
Her: "Add insult to injury why don't you" Me: "Your broken leg looks fat in that cast"
Why do Europeans hate American food? Europeans don't want to die yet. Unlike Americans who don't wanna diet.
I think Jesus is black.. Because he's our father and still hasn't come back yet.
Whats the worst part about Crabgrass? It's Not Lobster.
Why was the A.I. afraid of instagram? post-upload skepticism
Right now the owner of Men's Health magazine is beating an editor who forgot to include the phrase 'rock-hard abs' on this month's cover.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him. You'll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
What do you call an Italian reggae enthusiast? A pastafarian
Hot singles in your area are tired of it all. Just so tired.
This is an anti-joke!! What's green and has wheels?? Grass!!! I lied about the wheels!!
Why are all those people running? A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running?
"So glad to meet you" said the Hindu politely  ? "Charmed I'm sure " replied the snake !
What's the hardest part about rollerblading? ...telling your dad you're gay
Watched Michael phelps, paragon of athleticism, win a 4th gold medal in a row while I ate a comically large mole-drenched Mexican sandwich
When I die... ...have The Gravedigger run over my hearse with me in it.
What do you call a knight who cheats on tests? Glancelot
How do you keep someone in suspense?
Reddit, I need your darkest Christmas jokes to put in my Christmas cards!
A black third grader goes up to his mom and says: "Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade, is it because i'm black?" "No." She replies. "It's because you're 19."
What's the opposite of the constitution? The prostitution.
In Louisville, KY where bars are open till 4 am. Here's my slogan for them: "Get upchucky in Kentucky."
Wife to her husband:"Why do you stand in the balcony every time I sing classical?" The husband replies "So that the neighbors don't think I'm fucking you forcibly"
Andrew Johnson was the first US leader to ever be impeached. You could say it was unpresidented.
I just saw a midget get pickpocketed... I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
I've had like 6 red bulls, so of course I'm vacuuming the front yard.
A skelington walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I'm on their side.
3 Muslims walk into an airport and a metro station in Brussels, what happens? 216 virgins.
What did one deodorant say to the other? I can't understand you, your axe scent is too strong.
Whats the difference between jam and jelly? I cant jelly my dick up your ass
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
Why can't Hellen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.
I'm way more unique than everyone else who likes the same esoteric bullshit as me.
I kept unwrapping my present and it was the lamest gift ever. A cardboard tube.
Why did Jimmy drop his icecream? He got hit by a bus!
What's the difference between an apple and a baby? People didn't freak out for no reason when I started eating an apple in public.
Once again its Friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your cock down a cheerleader's throat
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover? I want hue.
A man suffering Crohns Disease who speaks to the deceased is currently fornicating with his obese wife. he's a small medium in large.
Why do American tourists talk so loudly? So that they can hear each other over their clothes
What does "fingering a girl" and "using a chainsaw" have in common? [NSFW] If you hold at the wrong position your finger goes down the shitter.
It's 'before' not 'B4'... We don't speak Bingo here...
This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.
Whenever you see me on screen, just know there's a highly likely chance I was 20% acting and 80% thinking about what's for lunch
What's the one good thing about a pedophile? They drive slow through school zones.
What did the Zucchini say when it got stepped on? *squash*
I got kicked out of the hardware store today... It's my dad's fault. He told me to buy a black and deck her.
I like my women like I like my chocolate... White.
I get sad around the holidays because they always remind me of how much weight I'll be gaining.
Dirty thoughts... the life of a gardener.
I recently saw a video of a lady in a burkha do the ice bucket challege. She accidentally water boarded herself.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar... The bartender shows them the door and says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
There is a 'you can kill them if you catch them within a minute' rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that. *sharpening knife*
How do poor people make it rain? They don't.
Does anyone else love thick sandwiches with three slices of bread and two layers of filling? We should make a club.
I'm going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.
Have you heard of the annual ginger meeting? It's petty unknown, last time not a single soul came.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone. 
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you ? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money !
If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don't think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 14 years.
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar... They try to have a nice evening, but are forced to leave since everyone is aggressively telling them that they are wrong.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film! Me: U too! TC: Really? You'll take me with u? Me: I didn't mean.. TC: Oh, I see Me: I'm sor TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Somewhere in another dimension there is a Lingerie store called Victoria Secretes where all the panties already come with discharge on them
Portland is on fire and the nearest Trump voter is 300 miles away. Democrats have a terrible ground game.
Did you guys know about the security guard who got fired from the Sperm Bank? He got caught drinking in the job.
My friend said he froze himself and as a result his testicles were at -273.1 degrees Celcius... Absolute bollocks
My colleague was fired for stealing printer cartridges He was caught magenta handed.
What do Mexican midgets use to cut pizza? Little Caesars
My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.
Where does an angry pirate get sent? Anchor Management
What do you call a mentally challenged lion? A leotard
I have a great 90's joke! Not!!
Dark Humour - Baby in Blender Q : When you put a baby into a blender, why do you put her in legs first ? A : So that you can see the expression on the face.........
Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos.." *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.
I will not be composing any quality posts today. So just keep scrolling.
My wife tried to sue me for impotence But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court
With this new winter storm on the way, it looks like Boston is going to get hammered again. They'll also be getting snow too.
42 percent of statistics are made up!
What is a four-letter word for a woman that ends in "unt"? Aunt.
Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
What's black and white and red all over? A white person wearing blackface with multiple stab wounds.
My first time having sex... ...was fucking shit.
r u a sheep becus ur baaaaad
my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin
Doctor: I'm glad to say the ear operation was a success Patient: WHAT
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? Little Caesars
Love means never having to say you're sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I like to point at pregnant women's bellies and ask "makin a baby, huh?". Then point to mine and say "got some poop brewin over here".
The pipes that my plumber installed are leaking... Clearly, he didn't give a flux.
forgive me Father for I have sinned, this is my fourth slice of pizza
I'm going to do 100 lunges with my left leg within 2 minutes. It's going to be very challunging.
I knew someone who died in a skydiving accident. Their funeral wreath was in the shape of a parachute. After all, that's what they would've wanted.
Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia Communist China: WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN Soviet reply: WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS Communist China: SEND BELTS
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
What is the worst way to ask for a cigarette in San Francisco? "You got a fag I can bum?"
What math class should feminists take? Triggernomics
When I was a kid my older brother dared me to take a bite of a Monopoly board. It was a little gamey.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."
I'm going to have a kid and name him Mark... ...so I can make my Mark in the world.
TIL why it is called a Brazilian wax. Because they cut down the forrest.
GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is BAD COP: He's trying to get on your side so you confess GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank
What's the difference between windows 10 and a jehovah witness None, they just keep asking you to let them in
My friend tried to kill herself by taking 20 advil. I was very upset by this and I asked her "Why take 20 advil when you can just take 2 aleve?
What did the Brontosaurus say to the Stegosaurus? "Get Jurassic over here!"
What would you name a prequel to a story about a man who doesn't age Personally I'm happy with 'The Picture of Ionian Gray'
I found a shop that sells clothing made of brick. It's a hardware store.
Missing South Africa In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss South Africa." So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read: "I hope this helps."
I bet now that it's been a few years, she's "The Girl Who Really Regrets Getting That Dragon Tattoo."
So I just watched a documentary about a blind magician porn star... He was a master of missed erections.
I decided... I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."
How do you know the bartender didn't appreciate your drunken pass at her She's stirring your bloody mary with a string.
What exercise does Ned Flanders do at the gym? Diddly squat
How do you drown a hipster? Throw them in the mainstream
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President? TRUMP: I'll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks Why? TRUMP: To make America grate again
What do you call suicide committed while shitting? Seppooku.
What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a kidney bean on my face.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy.
What gets harder as you beat it? A penis.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a tampon and ask which period it came from.
Before he started smoking cigarettes, Coolio was just called io.
What's frozen water and dangerous? ISIS
if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, "STOP DOING THAT!"
This girl I know has started saying "true story" after everything which is interesting because I've never murdered before.
Samsung But what did Sam sing?!
I like my women how i like my coffee Without a penis
Why do some people like to date pessimists? All that salt must make them thirsty.
I store drugs right under my nose Don't believe me? Check my stash
What's the difference between my guitar and my girlfriend? My guitar doesn't yell at me when I snap it's g-string
I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks. She told me not to interrupt her.
I had a job building porta-potties I had a job building Porta - potties But people would shit all over my work
Did you hear? The invisible man and the invisible woman just had a son. In all honesty, he's not much to look at
Why do girls who use Tumblr work so many odd jobs? Because they literally can't even.
I'm gonna drag a terrified family into a shack in the woods at knife point but then just make them have a Wii bowling tournament with me.
A man asked Robin Hood, "would you rob from the rich to give to the poor?" To which he replied, "I Sher-would."
How do you get a Harvard graduate off your doorstep? Tip him for the pizza.
What's blonde and intelligent? A golden retriever
Pizza is like prostitution You pay for it, it comes over to your house, and then you eat it
What is the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor? PTEWIE!
What do you do if an elephant swallows you whole? Run around until you get pooped out. :)
Misery: Hello there! Company: I have a boyfriend...
ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Heard this in an Indian soap opera.. Boy: Are you from England? Girl: Yeah! How'd you know? Boy: You are so beautiful, I just thought.
Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian
Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I'm too nice of a person to tell you I'm surprised you got laid in the first place.
So a kleptomaniac goes to see a doctor about his stealing problem. Patient: Doc, I just can't seem stop stealing everything. Doc: Please take a seat...
Why don't Natives like snow? Because it's white, and it's on their land.
Waiting for the bus joke A girl calls her boyfriend: "Where are you??" "I'm waiting for the bus!" "Hurry!!!" "Ok honey, I'll wait faster!"
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?  A: One - the rest are all true.
What Does a Mexican Say When You Help Him Off the Lawn Gracias
What do you get if you cross a telephone  with a fat football player? A wide receiver.
What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? With a divorce you get rid of the whole dick.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with "aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!"
What does a guy want more than anything in the world? It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.
HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE: Whisper "You should have killed me when you had the chance" to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.
Here's a USPS joke. Nevermind, it was lost in transit.
Where did the promiscuous girl from Belgium go to plant her flowers? ze Hoegaarden.
*washing car* Neighbor: "You washing your car?" Me: "No. I'm watering it to see if it grows into a bus."
Why is Perfume so cheap? Because its only worth one scent!
What's the easiest sport to get into? Limbo. They don't set the bar very high.
I don't know how to tell my friends . . . that rather than hang out with them, I would prefer to be at home, alone, daydreaming about having better friends I would actually want to hang out with.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane? A flightoplankton.
TIL It's not possible to yawn while wearing earphones
How are a homosexual and a tumbleweed alike? They keep blowing and blowing until they end up on a fence in Wyoming.
What is a brain dead couples' favorite pizza? Veggie lovers
Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.
An imperialist German wrestler walks into a bar... AND HIS NAME IS JOHN VON BISMARCK!
Why did the chicken cross the road? because North Korean missiles cant go that far
If Great Britian leaves the EU then it will be like its own Hong Kong Owned by the British, surprisingly prosperous for its size, and desperately longing to be white.
I lose my white friends in the snow and I lose my Asian friends in the sand. Where do I lose my Arab friends? I don't have any Arab friends, so it doesn't matter.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree ? A: Because it was dead.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
Whats the problem with feminist picnics ? None of them make the sandwiches.
Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*
Did you see the story about the psychic dwarf escaping prison? The headline was "Small medium at large".
Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that ME: I'd love to but I don't know her well enough
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
What do you call a woman without a clitoris? Doesn't matter. She's not coming. Bonus: Check out the anti joke version on /r/antijokes.
How did the Edward Impersonator annoy /r/jokes? He feigned ted.
I'm quitting modelling, I need more job security so I'm going to become a princess.
I'd have an extra 18 hours of free time every day if I lost my phone.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.
What do you call a stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want to - it can't here you!
The Philadelphia eagles Punchline in title.
The other day I was scraping leftovers into the garbage... ...and I couldn't help but think of those poor kids in Africa who don't have any garbage bins.
Ever done it with an attack helicopter? Let me tell you. It's pretty fly.
So I asked my dealer for some coke. He said 'Is Pepsi okay?' It was delicious nevertheless.
What's brown, dirty, and sticky? A stick
What did the police officer say to the zoo keeper? Yeah I get it, I shoot monkeys on sight too.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the  Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Pregnant Removed
What do you call a fish that takes a selfie? Selfish
My flight doesn't have wifi so I'm just gonna hit the call button and tell the flight attendant every time I think of something amusing.
On a recent business trip... I was checking-in to my hotel and I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Why couldn't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pterodactyl is extinct.
Where do hipsters buy their clothes? Most likely a thrift store or Urban Outfitters, TBH.
What do you call an online encyclopedia for DJs? A wiki-wiki-wi-wi-wi-kipedia
Showier thoughts pt 3 Someone used this water to flush poop and now here I am washing my body with it.
What did the incredibly racist country club owner reply to the Black guy who applied for membership? "Come on right in! Every brother is welcome in my crib!"
"I'd hit that" -old people who drive
The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum... So the english are going to get away scot free!
Lecturing my smoker friends on how cool they look
Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I guess Donald Trump hates Pre-shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again
Did anyone else watch the documentary on pedophilia? It was so touching.
I'd like to give a shout out to protons- for keeping our community positive.
Petulant wife In the middle of a fight, husband said, "Let's not quarrel, let's discuss the things sensibly." "No," said the wife angrily. "Every time we discuss sensibly, I lose!"
I like my girls how I like my wine Ten-fifteen years old and locked in my basement.
What do you call a lousy psychic? Telepathetic.
How do you treat Mrs. Potato Head when she has cancer? Ampu-tater
Tea without sugar isn't "unsweetened tea". It's. Just. Tea.
Girlfriend: "I'm pregnant" Me: "Really? Thats great." GF: "April Fo--" *I'm already on a plane to a non extradition country*
i'm supposed to train the intern to do what i do every day, but i'm not sure how comfortable i am giving him my twitter & facebook passwords
What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef...
What kid blows you and gets you all wet? El Nino
Why do people never see an Apple store getting robbed? It doesn't have windows.
If you take meat from a calf... ... it could either be veal or below-knee.
The heiress to the L'Oreal cosmetics empire has turn to prostitution to make ends meet, putting a $5 million price tag on her services for a single night. Which is fair enough, because she's worth it.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the empire state building? Nope, but it sure can jump higher than the twin towers.
Knock knock anti-joke Knock knock Who's there? Not Adolf Hitler . . .
Lil' Kim implies the existence of a larger Kim
I'm thinking of selling my old vacuum cleaner It's been gathering dust for years.
My friend got in an accident that caused the whole left side of his body to be amputated off He's alright now
Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: She's trying to hold on to a thought.
Wife still out of town. I'm afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
JOKE: What's an easy way on /r/jokes to find feminism jokes? Just look for ones that have a "JOKE:" disclaimer
I've said it before. Wednesday. Where you're too far out to see weekend in any direction.
If you get behind in your reading check you're not sitting on your book.
What is the difference between a JCB and a giraffe? One has hydraulics the other has high bolics.
If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard... That bronze medal would be mine.
When I listen to Nirvana I want to blow my head off with the nearest shotgun.
How do you get someone with downs syndrome out of a tree? Wave at them.
2 peanuts are walking down the street One was asaulted
The only thing wrong with Bill Cosby was pudding. Pudding his dick where it didn't belong.
If your middle initial is V, I bet you constantly get mistaken for a court case.
What is white and gold and black and blue? A blonde in a physically abusive relationship. See you guys in hell.
Crazy People How do crazy people go through the forest?
[blind date] So,where you from? [eyes turn black] T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L Oh nice. ever miss it? [cries blood] Y e s
Two fish are swimming together and they hit a wall, one turns to the other and says... Damn.
MOUTH BUT NO TEETH RIDDLE Q: What has a mouth but no teeth? A: A river.
What do you call it when you throw a black person in the water? Pollution What do you call it when you throw all the black people in the water? Solution.
I painted my computer black now it doesn't work I painted it white to make it work again now the whole system is corrupt - daddypig-ncsu
50 years ago you had to get really fucking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission] Houston we have a problem I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood? You can't gargle sand.
WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS
Dating in your thirties is like finding a parking spot, the only way to get one is to follow them out to their car.
New gym is great. Free robe service. They shaved the top of my head? Gardening, masonry. Chanting. Swore an oath and live at the gym now.
What time does Sean Connery go to the US Open? Tennish
Want to hear a really shitty gay joke? poop dick
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
I saw a black guy running from my home with a television I think to myself " Isn't that mine ?" Then i realized " Nope, mine is at home picking cottons "
I got a job with the Postal Service So I could tell people I'm a mail escort.
whats the worst thing about being a black jew? you have to stand in the back of the gas chamber.
Why cant college students take exams at the zoo? Too many cheetahs
Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.
"Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?" Yes Tony, we saw it. You're 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.
Son, I'm not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Currently I'm dating a anorexic chick. but lately I've been seeing less and less of her.
New Mexican word for today: Brief Today, my homie farted so hard, I could barely brief
Whats a cannibals favorite game? Swallow the leader.
I was gonna make a gay joke... Butt fuck it...
What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a Lamborghini? You won't find a Lambo in a landfill.
The problem with a well balanced diet is the amount of chicken wings I have to eat that equals the weight of a dozen beers.
How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.
The difference between Flute and Piccolo Flute's arms don't grow back.
Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Why is it called an "almond" in the tree but an "amond" when it falls to the ground? When it falls to the ground, it knocks the 'ell out of it.
I run sentences together on purpose so you don't get a chance to pause and change your mind about reading whatever it is I'm not saying.
What's your ringtone? That's nice. Mine's a light shade of brown.
How many Sore Losers does it take to change a Lightbulb? Won.
I don't understand why Pabst gets such a bad wrap. It won a blue ribbon Once.
Donald Trump is running for president Sadly I wish this was a joke.
Wanna hear a joke?
Taken 9 (2021): She got married she's with her husband relax man
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
"the pizza boy is here" It's time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? (gag noise) **Note: This joke is better when read aloud.**
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say "You're an idiot" to just about anyone you walk past.
How many birds can play tic-tac-toe? Toucan
Geico commercial by Oderous Urungus - "No matter what your reason, today will be your day to SLAVE!!!"
I have a pizza joke but it's a little cheesy
I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake. I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
What does the jewish kid do on the swing? Pisses off the sniper.
I'm taking a course where we learn about crackpots. It's called Psychoceramics.
What starts with e, ends with e, and has a letter in it. envelope
Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
The fact touche and douche don't rhyme bothers me.
What does Harambe order when he goes to a restaurant? He gets the kids meal.
Q: How do you take census in a Polish village? A: Roll a quarter down the street count the legs divide by two and subtract one for the Jew who catches it.
What did the poker dealer say to LMFAO? Everyday I'm shufflin'.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
50 cent filed for bankruptcy he only had 50 cents
Why is the ocean blue? Because all the fish in there goes "bloo bloo bloo"
What do you call a movie producer that gives you more detail than you really wanted? TMI Burton.
why did the hipster burn his mouth drinking coffee? he drank it before it was cool.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
What is the difference between a boat and a woman? The boat cuts through the water, a woman waters through the cut.
What happened to the Jewish Pinokio? He tried to lie, but his nose couldn't get any longer!
I probably would have been a pretty good doctor, until I found out that I still get paid if the people die. Then I'd just be like, whatever
Have you ever wanted to make a difference? WELL THEN GO TO A FUCKING MATH CLASS YOU FUCK
Every day Sunny Leone creates history... Then we have to go to Settings and delete that History.
If you get a bigger bed You have both more and less bedroom
What's the difference between a $200 vacuum and a $50 vacuum? I don't know, they both suck.
I don't know why people call me arrogant I'm the most humble guy in the world
[Interview] Boss: What's your greatest strength? Me: I'm a risk taker B: Can you give an example? M: *Passionately kisses boss* B: omg
A double whammy What's black on the bottom and white on top? Apartheid America. What's white on the bottom and black on top? A prison shower.
Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.
What's the opposite of Kathmandu? Dogwomandon't.
A drunken man speaks what a sober man thinks.
Cecil the lion's brother was just poached in Zimbabwe That family is like the Stark family of the animal kingdom
How do fish lose weight? They Swim-fast.
The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... She seemed surprised.
I've had sex with over 80 women... I've also had sex with a few under 80 but they just didn't have the experience.
What's the best way to save on toilet paper? Slow your roll.
ME: I need help losing weight. I've tried everything. NARRATOR: He hadn't tried anything at all. Nothing.
My girlfriend called me a racist I said that's an awfully big word for a midget.
I wish a girl would give me a chance so that I can finally disappoint someone besides my parents.
:oscopy - How I abbreviate colonoscopy.
Some guy had a concrete bench as his memorial. Seems odd but it's genius; he's dead and still getting ass.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that's none of your business
In 218 BC Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants. He got a mountain range that never forgets.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Three girls were waiting for their periods ...
Grad School: Because it's better than saying "I'm still looking."
What's the worst thing about a blackout? A shootout.
Two priests decided to open a Fish and Chip shop... ... One was a Fish Friar, the other was a Chip Monk.
The first time I realised I was dyslexic... Was when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!
When Conor McGregor finishes in 13 seconds, everybody cheers But when I finish in 13 seconds, my girlfriend won't talk to me
How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor? poop.
Why does Stevie Wonder smile? Because he's better than you.
I bought one of Donald Trump's books on how to run a business ...but for some reason, it just ends at Chapter 11.
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours.
Posted a picture of my privates on Facebook... I guess you could call it Ballsy
A Japanese man observes his son scratching his knee. He comments, "Itchy knee, son?" The son replies, "I already know how to count, Dad!"
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a pornstar with a bout of diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
What do you call it when you refuse to do core workouts? Abstinence.
What do you call a really quiet dog? A subwoofer.
Necrophilia.. It puts the FUN in Funeral
Picking up Women The worst part about picking up a girl, is when she wakes up halfway through the ride home, and starts kicking the roof of your trunk.
Aliens who abducted a drunk Russian gave in... and let him drive for a bit.
TIL The W in WNBA dosen't stand for "Worse".
What do frogs say that surf the internet? Reddit reddit.. First joke i thought of. :)
A gay guy wants to quit smoking... So he put a nicotine patch on both arms, now he's down to 2 butts a day.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
To brighten your day http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_sfnQDr1-o
Everyone says to do a job you love. So i bet suicide bombers always have a blast.
I commented on a ELI5 about occam's razor. My answer wasn't long enough and was flagged by the moderator-bot.
A parrot named Nigel leaves home and returns home,4 years later, speaking Spanish It's pretty common, all the language majors I knew moved back in with their parents too.
Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams... and its dream was to be a submarine.
I always found you should try and get high quality bleach when you can. The cheap stuff taste horrible.
I guess George Lucas is not a Scrabble fan. It's R1 D2.
[At dinner with wife's friends] Me: may I chime in Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes- *my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Theres one thing that you can't say on Reddit: [removed]
If you are an option, you are also an idiot
Grease (1978, musical) A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
What's next to Moscow? Pa's cow. I'll show myself out...
Americans, make jokes about US states that your state hates. I'll start. Did you know 29 astronauts are from Ohio? What about Ohio makes people flee the face of the Earth?
Shops. One time I was masturbating to a playboy magazine, girls were hot, the whole 9 years. But when I saw the front page I realized it was an american girl doll magazine.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat? Because she tried on your wife's pants and they fit.
What's the difference between mass and weight? Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics. (From a poster on the ceiling in my dentists office)
Why did the diabetic win the weight lifting competition? Because he was so good at pumping.
Am I the only person who's glad the Olympics are finally over with?
What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!
What do you call a poor photographer who works for a tabloid? A Pauperazzi
What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor? Dead Pan.
Why does Harrison Ford run from Wesley Snipes? Because he's the Blade Runner.
Q: Have you heard the one about the witch's broom? A: It's sweeping the valley. (That one usually floors me, but I'm going to brush it aside before I'm swept away with laughter.)
When discussing political party views in government today, my teacher asked "How would a conservative view pornography?" I muttered "in high definition" and now apparently *I'm wrong*
I used to sleepwalk all the time, but now I mix in a little sleepweightlifting a few times a week.
what keeps the lions from leaving the savannah the ele-fence
How many NRA members does it take to change a lightbulb? More guns.
The Sombero. A more restrained sombrero you wear at solemn occasions, like funerals.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
How do you get rid of an obese demon? You exercise it.
Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout "Everybody be cool!" and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Why was the magnet seeing the Psychiatrist? Because it was bipolar.
In my class today a feminist announced "I don't think anything is gender based." I replied "Not true, genitalia is gender based." Checkmate.
STDs are like sweets.... I enjoy giving them to little children
Facebook sent me a notification....unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
"Daddy why is Santa's sack so big?" daughter asked, "because he only comes once a year darling".
An alcoholic, a pedophile and a Catholic priest walk in to a bar and the bartender says... ["Oh, Father O'Bannon, you're alone tonight?"](/spoiler)
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B WASSABI
Maybe tomorrow I'll do that thing I said I'd do yesterday.
What do you call Bob Dylan sucking your dick in a hurricane? The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you fall for someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
How do you make a handkerchief dance? You put a little boogie in it!
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it's free range bitch!
ESPIONAGE: teen dresses up as a dad for a PTA meeting "i think drugs are cool and we should back off" *snapback falls out of pocket* *gasps*
What idiot invented fire blankets? You'd think they'd be hot enough from the flames.
Someone shit in your fridge? Well get a new family
My friend asked me if i had ever gotten and given oral sex at the same time and i said yes Little does he know i can suck my own dick
A black kid asks his father
Swimming Pool Joke Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Me: You're kidnapping me? Where're we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name- Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
How do all races end in the desert? In a cacti!
There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.
Why is the US terrible at league of legends? Because they can't protect their towers.
*pulls motorist over* COP: Are you high? MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree? *one leaf silently falls from cop*
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig BAND: Thank God! Finally! MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it'll make this PC way faster
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT'S REALLY "NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY" PLEASE SAY YES.
The Greatest Pun Ever. I actually don't know what it is, but I often punder about it.
A son is about to turn 18... So he goes to his father before his birthday and asks for a truck. The morning of his birthday he looks out his window at the driveway and sees a rented moving truck.
A dead battery walks into a bar,and asks for the price of a pint of beer. The barman responds, "For you, sir, no charge."
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter it's not gonna come anyway
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
explosion Where did the little girl go after the explosion? Everywhere.
What's the worst part about being a black jew? Sitting at the back of the oven..
Before my coffee this morning, I was a flying lizard's butt . . . . . . dragon ass.
Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
A shapeshifter repeatedly raped a girl, first as a midget, then as a normal man, and finally as a giant. He came in a variety of sizes.
What did the penis say to the condom? "Cover me. I'm going in."
Stop telling me to "keep calm"! I'm freaking out about why this British phrase has permeated American culture!
What do you call a loaf of bread when you cut off both ends? Endless Bread!
Best Depiction of a Dystopian Past or Future Full of Really Attractive People #NewOscarCategories
Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? ...because Ken comes in a separate box.
It's important to distinguish between a seal and a sealion. A sealion is just like a seal, but it's either gained or lost electrons.
Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?
The Woods So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy "Hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared," Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
Fun Fact: The term HIV is actually Roman for High Five Pass it on...then again maybe not.
I thought I saw The Hamburglar on the street but it was just some other hamburglar
A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in  Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice" he orders. "Sure I heard  you the first time" came the reply.
Step 1: Have Android phone - Step 2: Say "Ok Google, what are people from Phoenix called?" You're welcome
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don't sleep with him. Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't. So, from now on I'm only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
So an outstandingly goofy and silly monkey farts and backflips to a store with fruit. He's going BANANAS!
Reasons to jump: 1. Trampoline 2. Skydiving 3. Bungee jumping 4. Kris Kross made you
Was tempted to commit suicide last night... So I bought a semi-automatic rifle and shot up a school. (p.s. for those asking, I did in fact drink their blood)
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?  - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
So here I am in the Internet Cafe... ... with the angriest, ugliest bastard I've ever seen reading every word I ty
Wanna hear a joke? Modern society
I hope the guy who named the "walkie talkie" called his home phone "standie talkie" and his toilet "sittie shitty".
It's true, basic white girls don't poop You need to pay for a more advanced model for those features.
How To Make Lemon Squares: Make the undercookie Then the jigglesauce Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
How do you know Google is a male? Because it knows everything.
Pretty certain I'm gonna drop down on one knee and propose to the first woman I ever win an argument with...
Why are Jews noses so big? Because air is free.
Who's the artist you find in the supermarket? Salvador Deli
Knock Knock Who's there ! Arnold ! Arnold who ? Arnold friend of yours is a friend of mine !
I eventually understood USB Type C design... And now, I can't really see any downside in it
Where do you go when you start up a videogame about Noodles? To the lo mein menu
Should have been called "Star Wars: The Missing Force Kin" Because it's all about looking for her Jedi brother.
What's below your sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na knees? Your Guns N' Toeses I'll see myself out.
My new Thai girlfriend said, "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship" I still wish she didn't have one.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence? A flat back four!
I'm no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to fcuk off today you'll feel better.
Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode  really...
Why can't you hear Django Freeman have sex? *The D is silent*
"Hey Juan, let me tell you a funny joke yeah?" "Joke!"
Pub Quiz I did terribly in the Greek Mythology section of the Pub Quiz last night. You could say it's my Achilles Wrist.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.
*pulls knife out of back* *selfies with it*
Don't forget to wish that one bottle of salad dressing in your fridge a happy 2nd birthday!
How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw
According to commercials, a woman's primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
You know Stalin tried to invade Scandinavia But he just couldn't finnish
Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter, and what do you get? Pumpkin pi.
what do you call a male suppository? A manpon
Did you know rabbi's perform circumcisions for free? But they'll gladly take any tips.
Me: I want a... Debit card: Nope. Me: Ok. Just making sure.
What was John Lennon's favorite fruit &amp; place to eat it? A wee olive in a yellow submarine.
What's the difference between a bluebird and a elephant? They both have wings, except for the elephant.
"Write this down." [Moses grabs tablet] "Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?"
All the good guys aren't taken; they're at the bar on Tuesday nights. Trust me. I'm a stranger on the internet.
Why Do Farts Smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too!
The most underused drug is birth control pills.
How does Moses make his tea? He brews it! ;)
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur *silence for 10mins* ME: is Arthur coming or
I know it's crazy to think that every time I have deja vu, it's actually happened before, but...
I almost became a cop...... I decided to finish High School instead!
Who do you think the scariest POTUS was? I'd have to say Rushmore, considering he had four heads.
So, a one-hump camel marries a two-hump camel, and they have a baby, but the baby didn't have a hump. So they named him Humphrey.
*follows Dreams* ~dream doesn't follow back~ ~unfollows Dream~
Why did the broken straw go to rehab? It had a serious drinking problem.
The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through something that small?!"
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
How many suh boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, its already lit fam. I cannot take credit for this due to being told this joke by a freind. He was in fact lit af.
I wish more fat people would utilize the phrase "Blimpin ain't easy."
I like my women like I like my milk... Rich, white, and 2% fat
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying "Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles"
Pro tip: Next time you're at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper "Hey, wanna get outta here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
What do you call a dog wearing headphones? Ear bud
What's the difference between a Warlock and a Sorcerer? Apart from the Spelling?
No, no, I didn't need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My daughter is at that awkward age where she doesn't want to wear the same dirty clothes to school all week long
What is the only law that Hillary obeys? The law of gravity
I asked Kanye West if he'd seen Inception & he opened the locket around his neck revealing a photo of me asking him of he'd seen Inception.
What is the difference between a politician and a mortician? A Mortician waits until after you're dead to fuck you.
Chuck Norris' erections hum.
Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit card? Neither, he used praypal.
If you are bored I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I'm ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
What do you call it when Shatner takes a shit? Tek War
Lurk I started a subreddit about lurking... No one posted anything.
Did you hear about the new medicine for erectile dysfunction? It's called mycoxafloppin.
'Escalator' is what He-Man's enemy is called in Spain.
neil diamond........ Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.
Why are lawyers always buried 15 feet deep? Because deep down they're good people.
If I had a dollar for every time a woman find me attractive... I'd have a dollar, thanks mom
Knock Knock... Who's there? Dim Sum Dim Sum who? [Spoiler](/s "Dim Sum big titties")
When I was a kid, I would launch Hamsters and other small rodents in my model rockets. I called it the Gerbil Space Program.
A man gave his dog a bone... and was subsequently charged and tried with beastiality.
An atheist, a vegan, and a Cross Fitter walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone in the first 3 minutes.
Melania Trump's Speech Sorry guys this one's a repost
Me: "Can I leave work half an hour early?" Boss: "Only if you make up the time." "OK. It's 35 past 50." Boss: "Just go.."
Were all addicted to something whats your addiction
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers. She wasn't interested because it didn't scream out in pain.
To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same.
If there's Jenny and Lucy, could there be Jenni and Luci? Then wouldn't that make them Jennifer and Lucifer?
Did you hear about Prince? Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist
You know youre fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY'RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road..? **Because he got stuck in the crack.**
I like my women how I like my coffee. . . Without a penis.
[ring] Me: Hi Mom: You picked up. Me: I know M: Why Me: You called M: I wanted to leave a message Me: Just tell me M: Hang up [ring] Me: Hi
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 
When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Whats the difference between a washing machine and a woman? A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.
You know, I haven't always been liberal You would see I'm a big fan of 80's Bush, if you check my search history.
Any jokes for friday the 13 &amp; Valentines day? :) Just wondering if anyone had some good oneliners, maybe even dad jokes, about valentines day amd frifay the thirteenth :)
Did you guys know that the entire Miami Dolphins team is missing? Yeah, I saw it on ESPN. It had their team logo and then a big MIA next to it.
If you're a Sanders supporter at a Trump rally, what protocols do you need to follow? The Protocols of Zion, apparently.
Why do managers like pizza? It comes out of the box
What does alcohol free beer taste like? Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.
Reddit, what are some of your best Special Olympics jokes? NSFW
Diner: May I please have a glass of water? Waiter: Why are you thirsty? Diner: No I want to see if my neck leaks.
There are three kinds of people Those who can count and those who can't
What sort of a car has your dad got?  I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.
Other than The Aristocrats, are there any jokes where the telling of it is the joke itself?
What kind of tea do wealthy people own? Proper-Tea
I put a ruler under my bed every night... so that I can measure how long I slept for
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your cock up a girl's arse
When is April 2nd and she is still pregnant! D:
One day I hope to watch a cable show that says "Brought to you by.. The bill you pay every fucking month."
I was wrong about Hillary not having sufficient doctoring. Turns out she's surrounded by spin doctors.
Classicle Dance insult Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
I'd kick you in the vagina..... ...but I am afraid I would lose my shoe.
Did you know it's impossible to piss your pants on purpose? It's a weird biological thing
I had sex with a chipotle manager When I was about to lick some guac off her tits she stopped me and says "You know that's extra, right?"
Why should you never shout at a pirate? Because it hurts their buccaneers. (Sorry it's lame, I just made it up)
I wanted to be a communist. But my dad is too rich.
How are baby androids born? From their mother's computerus.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in  Roman numerals.
Getting a dog next week, i'm naming him Peeve It's my Pet Peeve
Saw a FB group called 'I hate rapists'. *Phew* glad we solved that problem. Anything else we need to tackle while I've got the keyboard out?
Is it racist that I think all of Tyler Perry's movies look alike?
People say I'm a plagiarist Their word, not mine
My doctor told me to examine my faeces every time I go to the toilet in order to monitor my health. But my bathroom is so dark, I can't see shit.
Emails from world leaders are streaming in to Hillary Clinton to console her [Deleted]
I've been on my best behavior ever since the words "you can be charged as an adult" applied to me
Troll: Horrible thing. Me: Horrible thing back. Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion. Me: Me too. Troll: But...
Whats the easiest way to drown a blonde? Glue a penny to the bottom of a swimming pool ALTERNATE ENDING: Put a scratch n' sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool
One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry said Mullah is it a member of your family?
Wanna Hear a Joke? My Ex-Wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER... BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER... you see it fun because marriage is terrible.
Why do squirrels swim on their back? to keep their nuts dry.
What is the difference between a jew and a Christian There is no difference. I don't discriminate when I kill.
NSFW A man asked a woman "Excuse me miss can I smell your feet?" She replies "why certainly not!" So the man says "oh must be your pussy then."
Hey Girl is your Dad an Astronaut??Because I'm from Nasa. There has been a terrible accident at the Space Station and he is dead
If you're stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
If I ever get attacked by a shark I can only hope that I'm smart enough to get out at least one Jaws quote before I go under.
I told my friends that I'm going on a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary. Joke's on them, they are too.
Just saw Star Wars IMAX this weekend. I have to say... It was a solid movie. I give it a perfect score of 5/7.
What's worse then ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants.
What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream? A 10 inch long cock.
Yesterday I clicked on 10 Things You Didn't Know About Denny's and number one was "It used to be called Danny's." get OUT of here
Did you know that gullible is the only English word that is not in the dictionary? I'm serious, it isn't. Go look it up and see for yourself.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
What do you call a homosexual Frenchman? A faguette.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress? Obama: Well, I've alw-- Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead
A Neutron walks into a bar "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  snake about to shed it's skin. Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!
It would be a disaster if Hillary Clinton were elected president I mean who would entrust our nukes to a woman on a period?
Why did the blind lady fall into the well? Because... she couldn't see that well.
So there's a new charity, where gay people help disabled people It's going to be called Fruits and Vegetables.
On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladin, how good was my hiding spot??
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don't know when or where it is
Four gay men walk into a bar and there's only one available stool. What do they do? Flip the stool over.
What do bears take at raves? Maully.
"I have to inform you that you're sitting in an exit row and are legally required to take a photo of the plane wing and post it on Facebook"
I was thinking of dressing has Nan form American Horror story : Coven But the thought of it brought me 'down'
Cows What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Donald Trump
TIFU by falling asleep on the john at noon. I meant Job. I fell asleep on the Job. :D :D
"Fraud" Our teacher put an ugly dried up amphibian specimen on the lab table and asked: So. Is it a FROG or a TOAD? Murph: It is a "FRAUD".
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
20 blind men walk into a bar *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud*
What's purple and sequels? A skinned baby in a bag of salt. *squeals
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bolton ! Bolton who ? Bolton braces !
Wooden leg. My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
Her: Your c**k is small Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.
Plane delayed... as Mrs. Plane finishes getting ready. (Courtesy of American Dad)
I've added Paul Walker on Xbox Live But he's always stuck on the dashboard.
Why did the Jew prefer to sleep in the dark? Because the lights in his house were contolled by a switch
It's always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They're like "Hey i'm a pretty good wall too."
What's the difference between a yellow cab and a green cab in NYC? The green cabs haven't ripened yet.
I heard something crazy the other day apparently making alcohol in scotland is whiskey business
Two cannibals are eating a clown... The one cannibal turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?"
Why did the spreadsheets get divorced? They just couldn't sort things out.
Corduroy pillows.... Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Why do teenage girls travel in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Why don't sharks eat niggers? They think it's whale shit.
I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.
Do you know the difference between a birthday cake and giving a blowjob? No? Well, happy birthday!
What is a pirate's least favorite letter? A letter from the cable company...
My cat just winked at me and now it's awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Feminism! Q: How many feminists does it take to change a baby's diaper? A: Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything. And besides, where would they find a baby!
Punthagorean Theorem A and B are pretty square, but get to the root of C and you'll find he's always high, pot in use.
As I unwrapped the condom I thought to myself... "This is a really weird birthday present, mum."
Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool? Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.
Two cannibals are eating a clown... One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
what do you call a crappy sock puppet? sock pooppet
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says "Shaved Ice"
Origin of Dad Jokes What and when was the very first dad joke?
You know why cops aren't on the streets of NYC right now? Because when it's white, they leave it the fuck alone
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
My favorite criminal intent: Robin Hood camping.
The first year I didn't eat Thanksgiving leftovers on the day after. I quit cold turkey.
Whoever called it a "dust bunny" was in a super good mood.
*throws caution to the wind* *blows right back into face*
Why is the ocean always wet? Because wherever she is, she's always getting rode.
All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.
What's the worst thing to come out of The Armenian Genocide? Kardashians
I started dating this girl online who says she's from Turkey but I'm starting to doubt her. It was definitely Instant-bull.
Doc: You have gallstones Me: Ugh. Doc: You can control it with diet. Me: Great! Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods... Me: Take it out.
What do The Pope &amp; a Christmas Tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.
Facebook is down, so don't say prayer doesn't work.
yo momma so stupid when her gas ran out, she sold her car to pay for her petrol.
As a young southern farmer I used to dread wasting my time with hoes Now finally I can afford a tractor
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time. The bartender says, "I'm gonna need to see your cardigan."
Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it  was the chickens day off.
Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding... The cop asked "Do you know how fast you were going?" "Not a clue," Heisenberg replied. "But I know exactly where I am."
Difference between erotic and perverted You can be erotic by gently stroking your girlfriend with a feather. But its perverted if you take the whole goose to do it.
Did you see the awful story about a triple amputee dog the other day? Poor pup. They said he was on his last leg.
ISIS is not Global Warming... I heard Pratt &amp; Whitney were United tonight. God bless you both!
Yo mama is so fat that if she confronted a boggart it would morph into a treadmill.
My friend told me he thought I was a hipster. I told him I thought I was a hipster way before he did.
A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.
Procrastinating?! Don't even get me started!
At the end of obituaries in the newspaper they should give the person a score out of 100.
A proctologist walks into a bar Hostess: Would you like to take a stool or grab a seat? Doctor: Hell no, just a beer, I do that all day.
What did the banana peel say when asked what happens after it's thrown into the compost pile? IDK, i'm just a banana.
My friend told me he holds a world record in quilt making I suspect his whole story is fabricated.
extreme jesus died on the motocross
I hate when I'm pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don't kill me while i'm pooping..
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing...1, 2, 3.. MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? 'ell if I know
What did one boob say to the other boob? You're my breast friend. Badum-tits.
Wasn't wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy's gym bag. How's your night going?!
What do you call the first migrant off the boat? Amhere What do you call the second migrant off the boat? Amhere Azwel What do you call the third migrant off the boat? Amhere Azwell Azhim
What's better than a tall woman wrapping her legs around you? A short woman trying like hell.
How many dads does it take to change a light bulb? Asking because it's been a week and mine still hasn't.
You know what really gets on my nerves? myelin
How does a Reaver clean his spear? He puts it in the Wash.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.
What fruit do Romeo and Juliet eat? Cantelope
Why are mods the worst? [Removed]
The longest joke in the world it's actually longer than allowed on reddit so here's a link: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
It's complicated having sex with hipsters. They don't like things that are "in".
My FYI's are becoming TMI's.
Someone ran over a deaf, dumb and blind man near me last night. Poor bloke didn't know what had hit him.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven? If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
A magician's wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves
2 black people are quickly walking to work get it?
Why are periods called "Aunt Flo"? Because for 3-5 days, it's a PROGRESSIVE pain in the ass.
Anyone who says 'they wish they could be a fly on the wall' has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.
Did you hear about the man who got his entire left side cut off? Don't worry, he's allright now.
What kind of drugs do ducks take? The snort quack.
A poster at the door of a church said, "If you are tired of your sins, come in." Someone used lipstick to write her number beneath it and added "Call me, if not."
Why's the camel considered the submarine of the desert? Because they're filled with iraqi semen
Two racist women were fighting on a subway.... the other woman said "Go suck a big black albino dick".
Beef Jokes What's a cow no legs? Ground Beef What's a cow with two left legs? Lean Beef What's a cow with two hind legs? Sarah Palin
Every time you sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" I'm reminded how much I disapprove of My son's friends.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe with that thing?!?
why can,t you trust a Atom Because thay make up every thing
They say anal sex is like your first car... you might not like it but your dad will give it to you anyway!
What does a cat say when he likes something? It's purrrfect.
What's the hardest thing about rollerskating? Telling your parents that you're gay.
I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents. Apparently you can't lie on your resume.
I bought a dry erase board to improve my time management skills but the only thing that's improved is my ability to draw dicks.
[reading online survey] Are you ready to double your satisfaction? My god this sounds wildly inappropriate. *clicks yes*
Why doesn't Usain Bolt have a girlfriend? Because he's literally the fastest man on earth (get it cuz sex)
I bought an extension ladder from a recovering alcoholic on Craigslist... But it only has 12 Steps!
God, the Atheists are coming! God: "Tell them I'm not around!"
If the workouts you're talking about aren't the bedroom variety no one wants to hear about it.
I think the thing that really gets me hard is increased blood flow to my penis.
I tried growing some thin fruit last month But there's been slim pickings.
What did the Orphan get for Christmas? Lonely.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Why don't blind people skydive? cos it scares the shit out of their dogs.
I'm allergic to alcohol.... I break out in handcuffs.
Why was Samuel L. Jackson picking up ladies outside of the abortion clinic? Because he's a bad mother fucker.
The Effects Of Using Beer To Clean A Dirty Toilet www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOwb9h20Gf8
Why are blacksmiths seen as very nosy? Because the are always metal-ing.
What do you call a stolen Tesla Car? Edison.
Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote "California" for ethnicity on her clinic forms.
Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident and called from the hospital about the four casts.
How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber? Raisin' Bran.
How do you know a soprano is at the door? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a necrophiliac and someone with a granny fetish? A couple of weeks
If Royce Da 5'9 gave up his career in rapping.. He'd become Royce Da 9-5. ^^^^Mixed ^^^^up ^^^^the ^^^^numbers ^^^^last ^^^^time.
I'm trying to give up ice cream. It's been a rocky road.
A BJ a days keep the sluts away from my man...
Did you hear the one about Bernie Sanders? Probably not, the /r/politics mods deleted it before anyone saw.
Dr "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Patient "Good" Dr "You have 6 months to live" P "What's the bad news!?" Dr "...in dog years"
My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots. The burger was dry but the fries were decent.
I think I saw Michael J Fox in a gardening centre earlier... It was hard to tell, he had his back to the Fuchsias.
Why was the beaver mad because no one came to his damn party.
Don't believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
According to my textbook, The old Greek currency was called Drachmae but apparently now they use a currency called *whoosh*
[First day as hitman] ME: Don't worry boss, I'll deal with him accordionly. BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly? ME: *hides accordion* yes.
LPT: If you want to get all green lights just try to send a text.
"Sorry we're late. We had to stop so I could pee." "For two hours?!" "Yeah. It came out really slow."
What does a drug addict like to do in their free time? Netflix and pills :D
One of my friends told me he didn't like it when I made fish jokes. But I think he was just being koi.
NASA is planning another rover for Mars in 2020 They should call it Hindsight
"Boy it sure is muggy out here."- White people, walking through the hood.
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!
If sexual frustration could be transferred into a usable energy source, I would be sitting on a gold mine
A guy is lying on a field. There's a backpack lying on his back, and a lot of flies are flying around. What's in the backpack? A parachute.
Policeman: Name please? Woman: Cheryl Cole Policeman: Your FULL name Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
What is the difference between Donald Trump and a thumb tack? Not much really, they're both annoying pricks.
How many guys in the friend zone does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just stand around and compliment it and get pissed off when it doesn't screw.
How many Greeks does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, ......A Greek will screw anything!
When you tell Optimus Prime a joke, what do you hear? Vehicular man's laughter
What does a panther say when it steps on ants? ded-ant.. ded-ant.. ded-ant dedan deadANT~~~ dedandead-annnnnt #^#$^ d-d-d-deadant.
The difference between a tea bag and England The tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes last forever.
Why does it go from Windows 8 to 10? Because Windows 7 8 9
Who was the world's greatest thief ? Atlas because he held up the whole world !
It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Why are rubber tires black? So the police know what to shoot at during a chase
When's the best time to come out of the closet? When the coast is queer.
Textbooks The podiatry textbook used footnotes while the proctology textbook used endnotes.
Why did the fruit leave office? because he was imPEACHED! lol. i hate myself.
Q: What's the capital of Afghanistan?  A: KABOOM!!
Help, I need nerd jokes the average high school student can understand. Something along these lines, Why can't you trust an atom? They make up everything.
What happened to the joke that insulted the mods? People laughed, because it was a good joke.
Dear women who just gave birth, Stop naming your child 'Khalessi'. Sincerely, The rest of the human race
Why does mowgli run away from Shere Khan? Islamophobia.
If women ruled the world do you think missiles would be shaped differently?
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do call a Nazi that takes bribes? Paid-off Hitler!
Where do Knights get their armour? The hardware store. One I came up with when I was about 10.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug
Why Won't Monica Lewinski vote for Hillary? The last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth
No wonder 1% is so bad I got my raise, not even 1%, my bank don't even give close to 1%. But my taxes ---- **30%**.
Marriage - Some days are just tough I look forward to those
What looks like a stick with two balls? a Penis obviously
Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time.
In university I was going to join the Debate Team, but someone talked me out of it.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I'm sending a pizza down to check it out.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
How can you tell a mechanic recently had sex? He has 1 clean finger. src: heard on radio yesterday
Knock knock Who's...(loud crash as a battering ram demolishes the front door)...there? We're the Ferguson Police Department. We ask the questions.
Why did the boy drip his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
I never knew the word "mom" could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Why was the programmer unhappy at his job? He wanted arrays. It had to be reiterated several times before it was sorted out.
I think I start my day angry because I'm forced to see myself naked.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs] Prince: "There there, cry it out" [starts recording] Um, you are a therapist, right? "Sure"
Who loves you more, your wife or your dog? Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk?
What do nails like to do on the weekend? Get hammered.
[my husband turning onto our street] "know what I think?" husband: you don't have to say it everytime. "we've been down this road before"
I'd eat more Mexican food if it didn't look like someone had already eaten it before me.
My sex life is like Star Wars Its either Hans Solo or I have to use the force...
Ever heard of the movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
I can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again
EA Games and Ubisoft walk into a bar... Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline!
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard: I'm so sorry your grandma died? I love you?
You know who really likes debates? De fish
He was a man of peace...until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into...A Man Of Burning Things Down
What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer? Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...
A new law recently passed in Arkansas. When a man and woman are divorced, they can still be brother and sister.
A pessimist is always alone. An optimist is always two away from a threesome.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its tiny brooms.
What are Canadians favorite board game? Sorry
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise
Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net? The www.izard of Oz.
Confucius Say: He who drop watch in toilet... Bound to have shitty time.
Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows!
Why does Oedipus hate profanity? He kisses his mother with that mouth.
Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows.
What's the difference between Christmas presents and ass whuppins? You ain't gettin' no Christmas presents!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I'm eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I'm a unicorn in human form.
How do you make your penis bigger? Eat chicken and watermelon then wash it down with grape drink.
Q. What did the snail say when he  hitched a ride on the turtle? A. Wheeeee!!!!!
Monica Lewinski released a statement that said she would be voting for Donald Trump the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
My girlfriend told me she's going to break up with me if I don't stop with these nosebleeds... So I tell her "Hey, if you can find better tickets, YOU look for them!"
"i wonder what i'll order from amazon prime today" - me every morning kinda
Did you hear about the woman who spent 1 million dollars on plastic surgery for her butt? What a waist...
What did one piece of butter say to the other? Aaayyy mah butter from another udder
Well well well if it isn't my old nemesis, long division.
Rap is 75% Crap...
What is six inches long and stiff in the morning? Crib death.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."
How does father Christmas get away with suing everyone? The Santa Clause
Too ugly for the people I want. Too hot for the people who want me.
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
Why is a day at the office the same as Christmas? Because you do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all of the credit.
Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.
Facebook users are demanding the old layout they actually hated when it was the new layout they previously didn't want.
If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before
Want to take a look at my benefit package?
BREAKING NEWS Justin Bieber said... And I quote, "Only God can Judge me!" THIS JUST IN ...Apparently I'm God.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression... ...and so I bite.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Joker Barbie ...Barbie with Joker grin and white face
What did pinnochio's girlfriend say when they were 69'ing? Lie to me
I didn't let my st-st-stutter stop me from achieving my dream career I'm a door-to-door salesman. I sell "No Soliciting" signs. The more I st-st-stutter the more I seem to sell.
All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates "I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts."
What's dumber than a box of rocks? The hippie carrying them around
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in SCARED DENIM: don't come back till you're thinny, thin, thin
What do you call a black man in space? An astronaut.
Did you hear that? What? DID YOU HEAR THAT? NOT "WHAT?"..WHAT!? What? *axe murderer kills both*
One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years... and then I turned 12.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Justin Bieber's career died for your sins.
My girlfriend found lipstick on my collar and thought I was cheating on her so now I only let my collar wear makeup when she's out of town.
Did you guys see the new $12 bill? I can't believe they put Harriet Tubman on it!
On Canadian twitter they should give us 148 characters. We have extra U's in words like colour & the "eh" we need to add at the end.
What do you call a conversation with your professor when you are blown? I guess you would call it a high-class conversation.
Wiping with only one square of toilet paper is a meditative experience.... You really get in touch with your inner self.
Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.
My girlfriend told me she loses Mortal Kombat matches on purpose. She said it's the only time I finish her.
What do you call a carnivore get-together? a meat-up
Why do the English always carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk
Did you know the weather is just like a Muslim? It's either Sunni or it's Shiite.
Lucky that guy in Good Will Hunting liked apples.
I was going to tell you a time-travel joke... ... but someone reposted it, so you will hear it then.
I'm still not sure how the church expects me to do all that kneeling and standing and praying on just that one little wafer they feed you.
What happens when you combine alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird
With his campaign struggling, Ben Carson seeks to appeal more to a mainstream and humanize himself with a new campaign slogan... Once you go black, you never go back. Carson 2016
Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.
What do you call a people who serve in Thailand? Thai Fighters
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Why are DJ's called 'radio personalities' ? Because if they had the looks they'd be on TV.
An expert answered a question I asked him about agnosticism He said he wasn't sure.
Just watched "The Great Wall" today... Pretty good documentary on America in a few years
Pros and cons of guys: Con: They're dicks. Pro: Their dicks.
If Carly Fiorina really wants to destroy Planned Parenthood, she should become its CEO &lt;badumpa&gt;
What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
When the mechanic said I 'blew a seal', I was afraid he knew about that summer I worked at Sea World but it turns out it's some car thing.
I tried to walk into Target But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg
Father in law just made an accidental calculus joke By the time I got to calculus in math, I realized I had reached my limit.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I'd hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet? I.O.U.
wanna hear one long joke and two short jokes? Jooooooooke, joke joke.
[Evan]: This new hair product is the best [Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse [Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys
Nice guys finish last. And with me, women don't finish at all.
"The first law of thermodynamics... ... is that you don't talk about thermodynamics." My lecturer's a hoot.
If you and jack were horseback riding Would you help jack off the horse?
How does Liam Neeson like his martini? Taken, not stirred.
I want to be a comedian But I'm afraid people will laugh at me
I don't think I'd be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.
My grandfather died in the holocaust... He fell of a guard tower.
Guys WhatsApp status be like "at the gym" since 2014.... Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!
What do you call a road full of giraffes? Giraffic.
Don't make fun of fat people with lisps... They're thick and tired of it
Umami so fat she gets mistaken for lipid
Doctor doctor can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue? Why? Because I've been at my computer all day and I've got a splitting headache!
Baloney, baloney, baloney... salami.
My website just crashed from a huge influx of traffic today... I wonder why so many people are interested in my superb owl, today of all days. I mean, he's really great and all, but he's just an owl.
Every 7 seconds someone in the world dies. Every 6 seconds, a white girl uploads a Pumpkin Spice latte pic on Instagram.
Timmy comes home with a bad maths test result Dad: "If your next test result is bad, I won't think you as my son." A few days later Dad: "How was your history test?" Timmy: "Who the hell are you?"
Black Joke Why do black people have nice clothes, expensive jewelry, and drive fancy cars with rims but live in crappy houses/apartments? -They haven't figured out how to steal houses yet.
I like first aid classes its the only time I get to be touched by a caring human.
4 gay guys walk into a bar... They find that there is only one barstool, the ponder for a second, until one says, "why don't we just flip it over?" (Sorry if its a repost)
What do you call it when a Catholic renovates his kitchen? A counter reformation.
Thank God I'm an Athiest After seeing what happened in Paris! Religious people scare me!
There are 3 kinds of people in this world The ones who can count, and those who can't.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Met a redneck magician last night.. Told me he could turn a 12 pack into a case of domestic violence
My friend just found out that he is both gay and dyslexic. He is still in Daniel.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Two men walk into a bar knock knock
Pet Cemetery 3: People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives. Somebody buries dinosaur bones. Jurassic Park ensues.
Why don't people raid dodo nests anymore? Because their eggs stinked!
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket filled with manure? The bucket
What do you call a capital lambda? A sheep-da
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious
Ever wonder why African dating agencies are so successful? The clients always click
Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the hippie? Because he was wayyy far out man.
My GF lost 250 pounds. She dumped me.
Someone asked where I'm from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, "Like That '70s Show!" and I clarified, "More like Making a Murderer."
What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face
What does an eighty year old woman have in between her boobs that a twenty year old woman doesn't? A belly button.
So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(
What do animal poachers do in their spare time? They go clubbing.
I rang my telecom provider. Before I got through , I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!" They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
"If I weigh 400 pounds and can lift 600 pounds, shouldn't I be able to fly by lifting the chair I'm sitting in?"
There are two secrets in life The first is "Never tell anyone everything you know"
Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexidecimal? Because 7 8 9 A
How many teenage girls does it take to screw..... in a lightbulb? Just one to hold it up as the whole world revolves around her.
I haven't been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Why little girls can't fart Do you know why little girls can't fart? Because they don't get a**holes until they get married.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
"OUI!!" -French Canadian on a water slide.
A SEO expert walks into a bar Bar, bars, pub, lounge, restaurant, beer garden, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, beer, wine, whisky
I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey and my Bahrain was like Oman I Israel Hungary so Iran.
When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I'm putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs? Me: You mean like the band?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it's basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
A fairy tale for men One day a handsome young man proposes to his girlfriend, but she says no. And the man lives happily ever after!
Did you hear about the Italian chef? He pasta way
Talking to my friend who started watching a new anime makes me feel like a German on D-Day The ships just keep coming.
DATING TIP: On a bad dinner date? Bite your tongue until your mouth fills with blood, say "I must be allergic to this bread" and then leave.
[first date] "So, I heard you work at the circus." [shallows bread stick whole] Nope. "You sure about that?" [chewing on glass] Yup
What does an Asian man do during an erection? Vote.
How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem? Simple! He just worked it out with a pencil!
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink... However, you can certainly stand there until it gets thirsty.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.
What's the difference between your mom and a chicken coop? There's a limit to the number of cocks that can fit into the coop.
Okay stranger, it's clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Horrible Valentines Chocolates Girl: Those chocolates you gave me sucked. Boy: *looks at empty box* then why'd you eat them all? Girl: I had to make sure they all sucked.
Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light... Red means stop.
What Does A Subatomic Duck Say? QUARK!
How can you tell if a pilot is in the room?
Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I've had in 2015.
Living well isn't the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.
My friend asked me, what rhymes with Reddit? I said: No it doesn't
What did 50cent say to his grandma when she gave him a knitted sweater for his birthday? G u knit!
"It's been months since I got laid." - Baby chickens
Everybody on earth has that one person that they wish they could wake up next to. Mine is a grilled cheese sandwich.
Bacon, Eggs, and Toast walk into a bar. . . The bartender yells, "Get the hell out of here! We don't serve breakfast!"
Wow! This whole being up early is neat; it's like daytime but sooner! Huh! The birds... they sound, you know, pretty! It's all a bit scary.
What does a raven bring on an airplane? A carri-on bag
What do you call a snake that studies past events? A HISSSSStorian.
Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, obsessive compulsive butcher? He used to lay in bed at night worrying about why he constantly weighed a steak.
Q: How did the townsfolk find out the pigeons were plotting a revolution? A: They heard them in the town square saying, "Coup, coup!"
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right.
Better living through chemistry Table of Elements: C = carbon Ho = holmium Co =cobalt La = lanthanum Te = tellurium CHoCoLaTe - Better living through chemistry!
I was at a store and I saw some yogurt in a big bag with a spout... I guess that you could say the yogurt was pour quality
Did you hear about that new restaurant they put on the moon? Supposed to have great food but there's just no atmosphere...
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out. Laptop: Please update Adobe.
There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents. Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Say what you like about pedophiles Atleast they drive slow in school zones. credit to /u/c4rdi4c4rrest
I stopped a girl from getting raped last week It wasn't very hard. I just stopped chasing her.
Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because its worth it!
Someday I want to write a book titled "The most erogenous spelling errors". *erroneous
Why does Paris have the best theaters? The audience is always dead quiet.... Looks like i'm going to hell.
I always disliked my hair but its growing on me.
Boss: Are you high? [Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I was very upset at the funeral the other day. I started wailing and moaning and banging on the coffin In the end they opened it and let me out.
What goes: 'click' is that it? 'click' is that it? 'click' is that it? A blind guy with a rubix cube
What country has the loosest regulations on incest? Google was no help, any idea?
What did the chick pea say when it got a stomach ache? I falafel.
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
The preacher tells me today... " I hardly see you in church. You need to join the army of the Lord". I said... "I am. I'm in the secret service"
What does a gay horse eat? Cum
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine but... Catscan.
Bought $200 sunglasses. Lost them in 15 minutes. Bought Walmart sunglasses. Had them for 238 years.
How do you know if balls are ticklish? Testicle
"Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of cats"
My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it.
"DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!" ~A parent's memoir.
A blonde is walking down the street and sees a banana peel 10 ft in front of her She says to herself "Oh no not again."
I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss
The doctor told me I couldn't lift large objects for two weeks after surgery. Guess I'll be peeing sitting down for awhile.
"David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"
What do you get when you cross a vegetable with a pronoun? Beets me.
If people were as passionate about world affairs as they are about their opinions on tattoos, we'd be on WWVIII by now.
Did you know that a stake through the heart kills humans too?
Which company makes the best apple cider? Dicken's. Because everyone wants their Dicken's Cider.
What's a blind man doing on a boat? Waiting for a bus.
"Actually, I'll have you know I have a degree in liberal arts" "That's great ma'am, but I ordered fries with my meal"
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Whats Fred Flintstones favorite drug? Crack Rock.
Transjenner
What did the buffalo call his gay kid? His BiSon.
I'm not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.
I'm really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I'm surprised, I can't really tell.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cole ! Cole who ? Cole as a cucumber !
Why should you never mess with an angry dysentery patient? They lose their shit over the smallest things!
Q: What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? A: Wheeeeee!
It's amazing how kids can't think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they're busy working on a cure for cancer
Why did all the black people die in the war? Because when they captain said, "GET DOWN!" They all started dancing..
[NSFW] What's the square root of 69? Eight something. EDIT: yeesh, tough room.
Trying to assemble a team of superhero sex offenders. We definitely need the Flash.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
[NSFW] What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator? ....the refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
90% of dogs in Korea are inbred... I'm assuming that means like in a sandwich or something.
Why were the Boston Marathon Bombings worse than Hitler? (OFFENSIVE) Because they actually managed to end a race.
I texted my ex, I'm at a cemetery..... wish you were here.
I heard a joke on Reddit the other day.. well, I guess I didn't really hear it, more like Reddit.
What's the difference between my daughter and my driveway? I don't want to plow my driveway
Tectonic Plates One tectonic plate said to the other, "I'm addicted to crack". The other said, "It's your fault"
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he'll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[kitchen] "Please pass the bee-nut butte-" *wife glares* "-the honey"
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I'm stopped. I won't unstop. Don't look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
What's Bill Cosby's favorite part of the house? The roof.
why are the new york jets like hillary clinton? both have Bills to push around
It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.
"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."
Q: Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil? A: It had no point.
What happened to the entertainer who did  a show for the cannibals ? He went down really well !
What did the blind, one-legged retarded kid get for Christmas? cancer
Why doesn't god like bacon? Because he isn't real.
New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can't do?
I am not going to joke about muslims and islam because.. I don't want the last thing I am going to hear to be: "ALLAHU AKBAR!!" and the sound of an explosion.
Surprised to find out that the untold part of Dracula Untold is that he's a weed-smoking libertarian
What do you get when you cross a collie with a  trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!
Heard there were some hot deals... at the Baltimore CVS.
Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't care now and I probably won't care later.
Was chopping herbs and got some in my eye now im parsley sighted
People who comment alternate punchlines can just fuck off like do they not realize how not funny it sounds after reading the original joke (okay come at me)
What's green and flies over Germany ? Snazis. This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990. May he rest in peace!
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I don't want to seem desperate, so I always wait at least 3 days before I call 911.
I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.
I take my women the same way i take my presidents. Half black and no Bush.
I remember when my grand father first got his pace maker Every time he would go to use the microwave he would piss his pants and forget who he was for about an half an hour or so.
My penis is as long as the line from Q to P Unfortunately the queue to pee outside the restroom isnt long :(
I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.
To satisfy a women: praise her, pamper her, cuddle her, hold her, kiss her, talk to her , listen to her, respect her, LOVE her...to satisfy a man, suck his cock JOB DONE !!
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
How do you prevent 9/11? Make it a Malaysian airlines flight.
What's the difference between Leibniz and the Civil Rights Movement? Leibniz was able to integrate in 1675.
Chemistry joke as told by my teacher Organic Chemistry is hard, if you don't study for the test you'll be in alkynes of trouble.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None...he fell
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
Hey, redditors of Cuba ...oh, my bad.
How can a black woman tell if she is pregnant? When she goes to pull out her tampon and all the cotton's been picked.
Guy walks into a bar... So this Jewish guy walks into a bar in New York with a parrot on his shoulder. The Bartender goes where'd you get that? And the parrot says, "in Brooklyn, they're everywhere."
What is 12 inches and hangs in front of an asshole? A republican's neck tie.
What's another name for an parent? Someone who's stopped growing except around the waist.
How do you calculate the length of rosemary? Sprigonometry
An Irishman is driving to the airport While driving, he sees a sign that says "Airport left". So he turns around and goes home
9/11 jokes They're just too plane
*Goes to work* *Punches clock* *Gets fired for breaking clock*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
i found the cure for cancer [deleted]
I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance. By fleeing the scene of the accident.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
My "snooze" button should just be called the "nope, no yoga today" button.
Two things went wrong today 1. My Wife got ran over by a bus 2. I lost my job at the bus company
So I had this really great racist joke. But some black guy stole it.
Today I fucked up because your girl was riding on top of me.
(OC) what did dispatch say to the dog catcher when he asked if he was done for the day? You're golden retriever.
If the Dove is "The Bird Of Peace" What's the bird of love? The Swallow.
DOCTOR: "Ok, now PUSH!" WOMAN IN LABOUR: "Should I be doing this in my state?" DR: [leaning out of car window] "Less talky, more pushy."
Helen Keller, what color is this dress? ARGGGLLLAGHHHHGAAAAA
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cain ! Cain who ? Cain you tell !
A mother asks her son What is school like? It's terrible, we have to do all the work, but the teachers get paid.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I've gotten too drunk WIFE: I've been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Nietzsche tells a joke. A man walks into a bar. The man sees himself sitting at a booth in the bar. The bar blinks out of existence. God is dead.
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. I'm easily lead.
These dishwashers are getting too expensive my new one even demands a diamond ring
A woman stumbles into the police headquarters....... And says "Help me! I was raped by an Irishman!" The police are quick to ask "How do you know it was an Irishman?" "because I had to help him....."
If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don't think you understand what it is we do here.
Schrodinger's Cat Walks Into A Bar and Does Not...
What did the Australian sea captain announce when he decided to wank with both arms? All hands on deck
Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma! Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
Why did Obama cross Pennsylvania Ave?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I'm allowed to do this, the judge is crying
2016 jokes Sleep is my drug....my bed is my dealer....and my alarm clock is the police.
What is Snoop Dogg's favorite restaurant? Sizzle-r
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
A Jihadist, a paedophile and a mass murderer walks into a gay bar. What is he doing? Killing the patrons for being sinful.
On the topic of George Michael... I guess you could say it was his "Last Christmas". Too soon?
What do you call Usain bolt when he's running from a lion? Fast food
him: what are you looking for on this dating site? me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you get an Otterbox you *should* drop your phone Just in case
I think the Netherlands should have a duke rather than a king... [x-post from r/puns] "The Dutchy of the Netherlands" has a nice ring to it.
Tell someone, "You wore that shirt the day after yesterday" and see how long it takes them to get it.
My first child will be named New Folder.
What is the least attractive binary ionic compound? Iron (II) oxide
I went to a gay bar. As I sat down to order a drink, I went to a gay bar. As I sat down to order a drink, a kind gentleman approached and offered to push my stool in.
So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus... The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"
Horton must be a first base coach... Since he hears a who.
What's the difference between me and a calendar? You can't fuck the shit out of a calendar
I think I was an unwanted child I'm 36 years old and my mother is still chasing me around with a coat hanger
There are 10 types of people in this world.... Those who understand Binary numbers, and those who don't.
what's for dinner? ME: indian we had indian last night ME: i know, but i forgot to do the 'i see a little sillhouetto of a naan' joke so
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
What is black, white, and red all over? The Ferguson riots
What's the best iPhone app for telling a kid he's adopted?
Cinderella What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!
What PC does Adele use? A Dell.
Don't date a soccer player... There's only a 1/11 chance they're a keeper.
Which dog is always without a tail? A hot dog.
I was wondering... since there are great white sharks, how come there aren't any great black sharks? Then i realized even if there were, they probably couldn't swim...
"What?"- pothead owl
What is a moo hoo for a cow fight? A cattle battle!
"I'm turning into my dad" -worst Animorphs ever
What did the chauffeur say to the newlyweds as they passed the last rest stop? Speak now, or forever hold your piss.
I did some Star War's fantasy roll playing this weekend Me, Hand Solo and Princess Didn't-Get-Laid-a.
Me: Ma'am your pet is loud. Lady: That's my baby. Me: Ma'am your pet baby is loud
What's the scariest path? The psychopath
I bet Flo Rida sometimes wishes he went with the name 'In Diana' instead.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? One has strings, the other has straaangs.
The Hobbit 4: Bilbo's relatives auction off his stuff Bilbo puts on his ring One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
How did Feminism start? With an unlocked kitchen door
Today I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard... And came in cider. Source: Bo Burnham. So goddamn funny.
Whats small,green and smells like pork ? Kermit the frogs dick !
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs? None, he 'fell'.
How do you keep a Redditor in suspense?
How do you catch a WiFi? With an ethernet!
Why are Austalian grocery stores the best? Because of their Koala Tea
Hush little laptop dont you cry mommas gonna find you another wifi.
Did you hear about the crazy chickens that took over a farm? It was a cuckoo coop coup.
the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me
Some people are like slinkies... ...they're not really good for anything but they still put a smile on your face when you push them down the stairs.
A guy travelling [sic] with his parrot... http://i.imgur.com/rTeps.jpg
How do you get rid of pubic lice? Seriously, it is not a joke. I really want to know.
[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn't help notice you were admiring my hand vests.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[clown cleaning shower] MRS CLOWN: Don't forget to remove the hair from the drain. [clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Anyone that says I'm a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Nice try, self check out lanes. There's not even any mirrors.
How did the Santa Lawn Ornament feel the day after Christmas? He was de-lighted.
Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight' said Julie. 'It was but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was assaulted.
a porn where both people are wearing nothing but Sketchers Shape-Ups
Show me on your wallet where you would like me to touch you.
My joke Did you hear about the procrastinator telling a joke. Answer. I,l tell you later.
I got in trouble with a band recently... when I had the audacity to edit their music.
I told my dog to "Lie." He said "Meow." Now I don't know what to do.
"What's funny?" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. "Why's that funny?" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
What's the capital of Greece? Athens
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
*2 pieces of bread being held hostage* bread 1: any way you slice it we're toast bread 2: we're dead wheat me: did my breakfast just talk
Nerd joke nicca say wat?
Weird I always was a little different growing up. People are always coming up to me and asking me, "Jay, why are you so odd, why are you so weird?" Then I say, "How the fuck do you know my name?"
I recently came into a large sum of money Now all the bills are sticking together
What do Rabbis do with the Foreskins after a circumcision?... Sell them to the gays as bubble gum
What do you call an Indian guy who's seen it all? Been-there Done-that Sorry if it's been posted before but I just heard it from my Indian friend and thought I'd share
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles, my next crap could spell disaster!
There's something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
What is the most offensive joke you know? I'm bored tonight and I have a no holds barred sense of humour. What are some of your worst?
My scout leader taught me a very valuable lesson... ... "If you lick your fingers and wet it a little, it will slide right in". Threading needles has never been this easy!
What's the difference between Barrack Obama and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods only wants to fuck your wife.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The dumbest joke I've ever heard. Donald Trump
Who Makes More Money, A Prostitute Or A Drug Dealer? A prostitute. Because a prostitute can always wash her crack and resell it.
Subway sandwich artists seem like they'd rather kill their mother with an AIDS hammer than give you extra toppings.
Why do cats and dogs lick their own genitals? Because they can reach.
Where do Germans go to post shitty memes? NeinGag.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
What's 10 inches long, Hard as a rock and filled with semen? The sock under my bed
I've lost 10 pounds! Well, I subtracted five for PMS. That Q-Tip I was holding must be at least a pound. Plus my hair was wet. Go, me!
Glass of wine a night A woman drinking a glass of wine a night can increase the chances of a stroke. A full bottle and you might get a blowjob.
The Horse Joke So, there was a fly, and the fly entered the horse's ass; finally when the fly wanted to go out, the horse wasn't there anymore.
What's the most overused joke nowadays? Donald Trump
What kind of stationary can't you defend yourself with? A TACK
Why did you name your son Tinnitus? I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.
I met up with two friends of mine. One of them asked me what did I do yesterday, and I said I watched Rashomon. But the second friend had a different story.
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowtain.
Coworker: You're very immature. Me: You're very observant.
I came into this subreddit expecting jokes about soap. I am mildly disappointed.
Today reminds me of how bad a terrorist is.. at playing Jenga.
How do you make a cat go "meow"? Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.
What does America and my Milk have in common? Both will go bad in 9 days.
Life in short Life is like a fart if you force it's probably shit.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh^im ^so ^sorry
What is Forest Gump's email password? 1forest1
What's up? the ceiling
Why did the leper crash his car? He left his foot on the accelerator.
How often do I tell chemistry jokes. Periodically
Was rooting for my friend who was collecting the works of a prolific ancient greek artist found out the name of this artist is "Circa"
You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Gotta get me one of those iPhone-credit-card holders so I can lose everything at once and be totally completely fucked forever.
Yo girl, are you my email inbox? because there's a lot of stuff you have I'm never going to see
If Italian westerns are called Spaghetti Westerns,then what are Japanese ones called? Sushi Westerns
"Stop putting words into my mouth!" "Fine, eat your alphabet soup by yourself."
I couldn't figure out how the hammer and nails worked... So I just said "Screw it."
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Friends are like motorcycles... 'Cause I wish I had a motorcycle
Where do fishes keep their money? In river banks
Many Americans would be surprised to know that we Europeans also have shooting ranges They're called schools and children are sent there to learn
One day, reddit's admin talked to mods
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
What do you call a penguin with a machine gun? Sir. [Groan worthy penguin jokes](https://allwrong.wordpress.com/2007/10/05/penguin-riddles/)
Bad porn is like bad spaghetti It's overdone, the noodles are soft, and it's *waaaaaaay* to saucy for my tastes.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
What did the Greek God say when he could finally take the world off his shoulders? At las!
What do you call 5 black people having sex? A three-some.
Three blind ______ In Asia, its not 3 blind mice. It's 3 blind rice.
Knock knock Who's there? I need up! I need up who? Well go on then, I'll wait
Q: Zombie: Where do fleas go in winter? A: Werewolf: Search me.
What celestial body do you give your sweetie on valentines day? An exoplanet.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
7/11 Was a part-time job.
This is the story of a man named Jack. Jack was, well lets just say he was a repairman. One day while repairing the shingles on a rooftop, Jack got stuck. Will you help Jack off?
Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.
What's your least favorite joke format and why is it this one?
How do snails get their shells all shiny? They use snail polish.
How do you expect us to loan you money if you can't prove to us that you don't need it? -Banks
What do you call a gay loaf of bread? A faguette
Apparently Mr. Skeltal joined the band Imagine Dragons. I heard they were going back to their doots.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Unless you're stupid. In which case, who cares.
What do you call a female cop that shaves her vag? A Cunt stubble
Did you guys hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
What do vegetables that go to college do on the weekends? They Turnip
This silence is far from golden... which reminds me. I need to shower.
Black paint Political correctness has gone to far these days. You cant even say black paint any more, you have to say "Tyrone, please will you paint my house?"
I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I'm shocked by your behavior.
Wife: oh honey, I didn't marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
What's the other word for a pedophile with a large hat? The Pope. (sorry if repost, my friend just told it to me)
What does a baby computer call its father? Da-ta
That moment when you're going to stalk someone and you end up stalking 5 more people because you need to understand the whole conversation.
Its going down, basement. Friday the 13th guess whos playing Jason? Tuck yourself in you better hold on to your teddy. Its Nightmare on Elm street and guess whos playing Freddy?
What's Snoop Dogs favorite type of weather? Drizzle
The correct response to "How was your weekend?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a shit.
How do nudists greet each other? With a bare hug.
As an actor, I find some recent commercials offensive. Actors are real people too!
What laxative did the constipated man ask for? Poop-ease
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I came across Jenny's number! 867-5309
What is white sugary has whiskers and floats on  the sea ? A catameringue !
The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
They said Brexit would let us get closer to non-EU countries. They were right, we now have more in common with Zimbabwe than ever before.
I was going to be an Operatic Singer Before they threw me out of the hospital.
I was trying to come up with a name for my group of mystery-solving chickens Apparently the Clue Clucks Clan was already taken.
What is the politically correct term for Mexicans? Human Beans.
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down into a tire and call it a GoodYear.
So true... Q: Why do women have boobs? A: So you have something to look at while you're talking to them!
You know you're a Star Trek fan when you... hate Voyager and you've only seen every episode one time.
What's yellow has long ears and grows on  trees? The Easter Bunana!
A Muslim Woman wanted to fuck a gorilla. Her husband objected and said... "That's Haram, bae."
What did Jesus want when he appeared on a piece of toast? Miracle whip.
It's been 14 seconds why haven't you replied yet
Long visits to nature linked to improved mental health, study finds. According to new research by Australian and UK environmental scientists. Who obviously didn't poll women on Tinder.
Being attractive is a requirement to become a firefighter... Because they turn the hoes on.
Cheezus take the wheel! *bud um sch*
I think my neighbor is stalking me... I saw her googling my name through my telescope.
There's only 3 blonde jokes... The rest are true stories.
I don't know why people still want to become veterinarians... ...they all end up homeless.
I was going to make a scene when they told me I couldn't join the Easter Egg hunt... ...instead I just left without a Peep.
[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra] HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.
Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights? To help them find missing sea men.
DAE accidentally call the wrong replacement when you can't teach your classroom that day? Whoops, wrong sub
Parallel lines have so much in common.... it's a shame they're never gonna meet.
Me: "You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass." Him: "So there's still a chance?" Me: "Let me ask my unicorn."
I need a guy who's cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy. I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My Animal Science dissertation "Are Hippos Just Girl Rhinoceroses?" met with a healthy dose of scientific skepticism WHICH I WELCOME.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I remember Pandora back when it was called your dad trying to find a song he liked on a road trip.
I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it's not, it's Jennitalia.
How can you tell if someone is a construction worker or a chemist The way they pronounce unionised
What's the difference between RAM and ROM? I can't ROM my dick in your arse
Guys, freedom of speech doesn't mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I was undressing a guy with my eyes, but my eyelid got caught on a zipper
A man was masturbating in an airplane He was arrested for highjacking
What do you call a zombie Storm Trooper? An Imperial Walker
Why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring? The referee said he wanted a clean fight. :D
A dad walks into his son's room... A dad walks into his son's room and says: "Son, how many times have I told you... If you keep masturbating, you'll go blind." The son responds: "Dad! I'm over here."
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I'm allowed to raise my cat however I want.
How many nuns were at the library? Absolutely nun
What's the difference between an outlaw, and an inlaw? Outlaws are wanted.
What does my penis and bus have in common? They're both short
Why does santa have no children? He only comes once a year and thats down the chimney.
Apparently Rihanna and Christ Brown are releasing a song together. Given the recent passing of Michael Jackson, I think a cover of "Beat It" was an insensitive choice.
Who has the best male employees? The porn industry, because they're always hard at work. I'll escort myself out..
- Grandpa, you still have sex with grandma? - Yes, but oral, only. - What do you mean, only oral? - I say "Fuck you!" and she says - "Fuck you, too!"
If everyone jumped off the docks I would too. I'm a sucker for pier pressure.
I hate those Babushka dolls... ...they're so full of themselves!
We're supposed to get snow, But right now it's still up in the air.
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He would lie awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
I've saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!
I just burnt 1200 calories... I forgot the pizza in the oven. : /
I took an IQ test today.. The results were inconclusive
How do you use an african man to get people to meet your demands? You black male.
Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they're like "Yeah, you haven't got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit."
Where do you put a badly behaved spaceman? On the astronaughty step.
Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.
Dating websites I was on eharmony last night, why did it ask my height in inches?
A cannibal ate an optimist once He couldn't quite keep him down.
I just cancelled my gym membership It wasn't working out.
I'm weird but not "sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I've got no plans to leave" weird. That stuff's 4 serial killers.
Pokemon Go is just like Grindr... but for kids. And you try and catch Pokemon instead of catching AIDS.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout "Mike Wazowski!" every time someone opens a closet door
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I just bought a Pontiac that sexually identifies as a Ferrari It's a Trans Am
I'd rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Why does Anders Brevik oppose gassing the Muslims? Because he knows it's a waste of time, it's impossible to get a Muslim to take a shower
Movie joke: Sling Blade "Two fellers was peein' off a bridge. One said the water's cold. Other the the water's deep.... I think one of 'em was from Arkansas mhmm."
Interesting Fact: By the year 2020 all actors on American TV shows will be Australian.
What did the gay penis say to the vagina? eh, I don't really wanna go into it right now.
If it screams, it's not food yet
*watches soccer* *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *has to pee* *watches soccer* *gets up to pee* *misses goal* :/
So, my lesbian friend asked how I view lesbian relationships. In Hd was not the correct answer.
Y'all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of "spees" is stingin' and bitin' you and shit
What did the left nut say to the right nut? That guy above us is a real dick
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Mainly, the taste.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we're with the bad guys? Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St... to the ship.
A pizza shop owner was found dead covered in pepporoni, mushrooms, ham and pineapple. Word is...he topped himself.
What kind of car does god drive? A Christler
[my laboratory] ME: I'VE DONE IT! MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT'S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My mom when I was a kid: "Never talk to strangers." "Never get in their cars." Me to my future kids: "Here's how to order an Uber."
It would be nice if for once i got a thank you... ...when I serve breakfast in bed instead of "who are you" and "how did you get in here".
What do Socrates and John Snow both got in common? Neither knows a thing. (from another forum)
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to 'exercise' or 'exorcise'? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Where are a squirrel and a chipmunk most likely to meet? A nut house.
What do you call a Bible for the blind? The Holy Braille!
Why do blacks wear white gloves? So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.
Why is time wary of mathematicians? They're always plotting against it.
Did you hear? Viagra doesn't do anything for lawyers... It just makes them stand taller for a while
Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person says: hi
There's safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews.
What happened to the boy who ran into a window He was in serious PANE
My girlfriend is leaving me because I won't stop singing Linkin Park songs. I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
I have a UPS joke Sorry it was delivered it to your landlord's off property leasing office ten miles down the road.
ComedyTime: I think I'm a Moth http://www.comedytime.tv/view_video.php?viewkey=5bd5cf89ce39d9690346
Dark humor is like a children's cancer ward... It never gets old.
A friend of mine has just moved into his new house. I got him a radiator as a house warming present.
I'm the first base coach for my son's baseball team tonight and boy it's really awkward teaching 7 year olds about kissing.
A Jewish boy asks his father for $20 Jewish boy: dad can I please have 20 dollars? Jewish dad: 10 dollars?!? What do you need 5 dollars for?
How do you know you're at a gay BBQ? The sausage tastes like shit.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn't listening to KISS.
All I'm saying is when I'm drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time...
Hello, Atheist Ghostbusters? Yes? I have a ghost in my bathroom. No, you don't. Oh, right. Thanks so much! That's why we're here.
Why is Japan the only country to celebrate the Penis? Because it's kawaii.
You know what the worst part of being black and Jewish is? I have to sit in the back of the oven.
Whenever I'm bored, I call one of my parents and ask them to describe how the internet works.
I took two headache tablets an hour ago... Still haven't got one.
Do you know the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi? Well, the people in Dubai don't like the Flinstones, but the people in Abu-Dhabi-Do.
Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's. Thanks pumpkin!
Kid: I want to give grandpa tickets to a Michael Jackson show! Dad: you can't, he's been dead for years now, and so is Michael Jackson.
Me: I know you from somewhere Jesus: I get that a lot Me: no I'm sure Jesus: just one of those faces Me: [holding arms out] go like this
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no  sex life at all.
When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.
Every time I drive by a church my Praydar goes fucking ballistic.
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
Teacher: When do astronauts eat? Pupil: At launch time!
By fluke, I just learned I could pop the head off a Dora Explorer doll, drill a hole in her leg, fill her with water, and use her as a bong.
What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp? Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.
The best part of being lactose intolerant is the cure for constipation is cheese.
Blonde Did you hear about the blonde who got in a taxi? The driver kept the 'VACANT' sign up. (Found this in WuMo)
Anal sex is a lot like broccoli makes you fart
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Donald Trump's chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Isn't it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.
People say you are what you eat... So you're a dick.
what did they tell the eastern European tree who wanted a room at the hotel california you can czech in any time you want but you can never leaf
"Thanks for the clarification." ~ Melted butter
Some people should come with subtitles.
Did you hear about Chris Brown's latest Hit? Left Hook.
*2 year old runs by screaming* *72 ducks chasing her* "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD."
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? He conditioned it.
Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office. Bill says - been there, done that ...
One. How many time travelers does it take to change a lightbulb?
The U.S mint stopped making pennies. I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and  a cupboard of food ? Snakes and Larders !sna
Why do engineers confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because OCT 31= DEC 25
What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend? His smellular phone!
There's only one stereotype I like Sony.
If you didn't wanna hear "Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it," you shouldn't have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Shitting myself about this Ebola situation... Which is worrying, because that's one of the symptoms.
What's the similarity between Income Tax and a Caller Tune? . .. ... In both the cases, one pays the money and others enjoy.
What do you call a Mexican burglar? Juanted
How many Hipster's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh, just some number you've probably never heard of.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies
Why do the ladies love Jesus? He's hung like this. (Stretch out arms.) Really one that you have to tell in person, but it's my favorite.
What's A Columbian's Favorite Kind of Drink? Coke.
My graduation Speech "I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you."
After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me.. As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now.
I'm really good at digging underground to find sources of water. You could say it's something I do well.
i spilled something on my sleeve but instead of trying to get the stain out i just rolled my sleeve up higher i can't wait to be an adult
How did Moses make his tea?
Students are taking a sign language course. The teacher doesn't recognize one of them, and says "Are you in this class?" Student says, "I'm auditing." Teacher says, "Then you're in the wrong class."
How come Peter Pan keeps on flying? Because he Neverlands
Make like a tree and... Make like a tree and use photosynthesis to turn sunlight into energy and use that energy to go and fuck off
Understanding women is like... Smelling the color 3.
My friend and I are in a beard growing contest Right now it's neck and neck.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
What did they call Ebola before the Internet? Bola
Why are criminals so good at basketball? They shoot first and ask questions later.
I like my women like I like my politics The more Bush the better
Try some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Stevie Wonder! They have "the taste you can s- ... taste."
Vanilla sex makes your day... Anal sex makes your hole week.
A doctor, an Englishman, a lawyer, an Irishman, a priest, a Scotsman, a cop, a midget, a fireman and a blonde walk into a bar.... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar.. Barman says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A termite walks into a bar... He waits and waits and nobody appears. He turns to a termite next to him and asks him, "Hey, is the bar tender here?". The second termite says, "Yeah. It's okay".
Apparently "You probably don't hear this a lot, but I think you're quite attractive" isn't a very good pickup line.
"You can't tell me we going to get tacos, then say we going to do acid instead" whoever I heard say this on the street yesterday Plz explain
"Officer, what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today?" "Man I've seen all kinds of thieves in my career, but this one takes the cake"
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
My dad found an Altoid tin in his attic and told me it was worth over $400. He said it was worth so much because it was in mint condition.
As an Alzheimer's patient, this is my favorite joke on reddit
What's a gangsta say when a house falls on him? Get off me, homes!
has a fever: i'm ok coughs out lungs: i'm ok throat on fire: i'm ok is hungry: death, despair and chaos has entered my life
I bet the bear from The Revenant would have been nominated for an Oscar... If he was a Polar bear
What does an Asian chicken sound like? Bok Bok Bok CHOY
After 4 months, I lost 270 pounds Now she's my ex-wife
What did the lumberjack say to the trees? Run, Forest, run!
How come nobody tells "Nacho" jokes anymore? They're too cheesy.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they- *coroner covers the body with a sheet* Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Happy Birthday Girlfrien. I didn't put the D because you'll get that later.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.
You hear about the guy who got lost in Africa? He didn't know where Togo.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger. And then it hit me.
I'm a Buddhist coke head I hope when I'm reincarnated I come back as a donkey, so I can grind my teeth all day.
Reminder: Please just hit the "RT" button on my tweets if you're ugly. Don't want people associating your busted face with my art.
A toilet was stolen from my local police station. The cops said they had nothing to go on.
What do you call a mexican who just took a shower? A clean beaner.
I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
Are the Nazis who fought in WWII veteran-Aryans? And can I bring my dog to them for a checkup?
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the others a little lighter.
The good thing about having a lot of followers is that for every thousand there's about one who actually reads your tweets.
How to Keep an Idiot in Suspense - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ... I'll tell you later.
They say if you love something set it free... but I don't really love the hookers in my basement.
What does an engineer use for birth control? Their personality.
The USA should invade the USA and win the hearts and minds of the population by building roads, bridges and putting locals to work.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months* "Have you had the kid yet?" -No "Well, I'm level 77 on candy crush."
What does a leg do when it gets exasperated? It thighs.
"Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead" she hexed.
A donkey, a calf and a foal walk into a bar... Its not a joke, it really happened in Melbourne not that long ago
I heard you guys like corny jokes I'll give you an ear full : ^ )
My girlfriend dumped me for talking too much about video games what a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
You know what? It's been a Good Friday.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
A priest and a rabbi leave a bar ..., and see a ten year old boy. The priest says "Let's screw him!" and the rabbi says "Out of what?"
me: trump is a thin skinned psychopath who will destroy the world at the slightest provocation also me: let's make him mad lol
I think Lady Gaga's next outfit should be made of spaghetti... If that's *pastable*
Tomorrow I'm gonna chase someone...like really run after them..screaming and everything.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't remember if she had sex with Charlie Sheen? At first she wasn't sure, but now she's positive.
Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"
Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? A: Because he's married.
Why was the transvestite always angry? cross-dressing
I am happy to report this vodka works.
A priest walks into a shoemakers shope... And says to the cobbler, "Help! My soles need heeling!"
why did the Mexican man push his wife off of a clif? to-quila
We were told we were gonna get 8 inches and only ended up getting 2 Sounds like every woman I've ever been with
"Maybe again but kind of bad?" - sequels
Who was the stretchiest man in The Bible? Abraham. He tied his ass to a tree and walked up a mountain.
There's a new video subscription service in Russia called Nyetflix But the rental period is too short so you're always Russian!
How do Baroque composers tweet? Through their twitter Handel! ..... I am so sorry
My grandpa always told me to watch my health, not my money.. ... one day as I was taking a walk, watching my health, someone stole my wallet. It was my grandpa.
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name? Because if he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar.
[Shop class] Satan: Whatcha makin'? God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making? Satan: A bong.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does it's down the chimney.
Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I remember the first time I used a Universal Remote Control I thought to myself: "Well, this changes everything."
What do you get when you cross an oven with a car? A hot rod. NOTE: When I was about 5, I thought this was the funniest joke on earth.
What rhymes with freedom? Oil
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
What do you call a pessimistic clone? A repli-can't!
Why wasn't Euro Disney popular? Every time they set off the fireworks, the French surrendered.
Why did Hillary go to the OB/GYN? She was feelin' the Bern!
Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 13 years!
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Tie a piece of bread to the roof..
The doctor said to the patient We had to remove a part of your anus Patient- will I be any different? Doctor-Just less of an asshole Edit 1- Changed rectum to anus, credit u/RigorMortis76
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
What did the ISIS shepherd get arrested for? Trafficking sex workers.
Did you know Yao Ming had a dog? He had a dog before every NBA game.
A man goes to the proctologist The doctor gave him a thumbs up.
How do you ruin a joke? Screw it up. How do you ruin a joke? Screw it up again.
What is Macauley Culkins favorite salad dressing? Neverland Ranch.
There is nothing more hypocritical than a Buddhist saying, "YOLO"
I beat up some eggs with an egg beater. They kept cracking yokes at me.
So a Mexican magician says he could disappear in three seconds. He starts to count...."uno, dos", and poof, he disappears without a tres.
Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over "My Heart Will Go On"...said the guy in the car next to me
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat's tail.
What do you call a truthful piece of paper? Fax.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*gets pulled over by police* *shows a little skin* Officer: "Who's skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir."
Caitlyn Jenner comes with a warning label... It says: Warning - May contain traces of nuts.
Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit.
Has there been a day when reddit hasn't been down cause of server problems? Yes. When the SOPA/PIPA protest happened.
What bee is forbidden to the Muslims? Haram-bee
If I was in charge of SWAT I'd change the name to the "Special Weapons And Grenades" team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW] A blow up doll!
are their jew witout big nose... yas, but onli aftar nose removal
What do you call someone infected with herpes... Who refuses to date someone else infected with herpes... A Herpocrit! A very awesome friend said he came up with this just randomly, do I believe him?
women tend to make bad decisions when they're around me... if they chose me instead it would be the best decision of their lives!
A stallion and a mare where due to get married but the stallion didn't show up at the church. He got colt feet
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
How 'Words' are created.. The early bird catches the worm. Holds it hostage. Stockholm Syndrome sets in. The worm and bird have babies.
I bought a new thesaurus It's nothing to write house about
Q: Why did the banana put on sun-tan lotion? A: To keep from peeling.
Nu Finish makes a Scratch Doctor to get unwanted scratches out of your car... They should make a Biatch Doctor!
What do you call a gay man from the deep South a Homo-sex-y'all
I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.' And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'
What's red and fucks old ladies? Me, in my lucky red jacket.
What do you call an Asian getting mugged? Black and Yellow
My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
How much skin does it take to cover a vagina? /sticks out tongue
strong password Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.
Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone. When did you get electricity in your cave?
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't like when random people come knocking on their door.
How do you get Jizz off of a Scrabble board? Don't bother. That shit's worth 29 points.
There was a fire yesterday at my local thrift store A person died of secondhand smoke
The only nation I will ever rule is.... Procrastination.
I'd attend church a lot more if, instead of a tiny cracker, the body of Christ was a tiny quesadilla.
A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam.
Fun Fact: Koala's have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun
What's six foot three, black, and won an Independent Spirit Award for Best Male Lead in To Sleep with Anger Danny Glover.
Q: How do you tell a brown bear from a grizzly bear? A: Climb a tree. If the bear climbs up and eats you, it's a brown bear. If the bear knocks the tree down and eats you, it's a grizzly.
A doctors appointment Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
Why is Bud light kinda like making love on a canoe? Because it's like fucking close to water.
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? I don't cry when I'm cutting up the hooker
Mother in law found me... On the twitter This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours. I'm so sorry
My spirit animal is a parasite that swims up your pee hole and plants an egg sac using its hook-like barbs.
The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden
Did you hear about the Scarecrow that won an award? It was for being outstanding in his field.
America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales.
I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
One I just heard. Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."
What did the sociopathic cannibal parachutist say? As soon as the people carrying soup cans in the backpacks arrive we can eat.
[spelling bee] Your word is 'golfed' "May I have it in a sentence please?" Sure. He golfed with a tee. "G-O-L-F-T"
Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
How does Avis feel to be #2? It Hertz
The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really.. ...most of it was tongue in cheek.
Asians are such bad drivers.. I'm beginning to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
What's the best rock to sleep on? bed rock
Hot chick at the bar just said that she's gonna do something stupid tonight... ...I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Horse walks into a bar Bartender "why the long face?"
What did the cannibal have for lunch? Baked beings (beans).
Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE.
It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo. In case she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl? "Ya, but only cuz the commercials." [sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Shame that UFOs coincidentally stopped visiting just at the moment when high-resolution digital cameras became ubiquitous.
Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.
But you didn't pick up Two Types of People: ---- 1. I called you but you didn't pickup ---- 2. I called you from my iPhone 6 Plus 64 GB and you didn't pickup.
My favorite music genre is a refined form of rock... Metal
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
2 hours into dieting] omg I'm so lightheaded
In the past, U.S.A. has had for president..... Bush senior, Bush junior and now Bush groper.
There are 10 types of people in the world... Those that understand Binary and those that don't.
Why is president Putin so hard to rape He won't stop putin up a fight.
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. Then he was chuffed to bits.
What is the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
Did you here about the new zoo? They put a fence around Iowa.
What do you call a short Native American programmer? A Little Endian -I'll get the door.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.
Going to the middle east for Christmas Because Christmas is da bomb there... Came up that myself. I'll walk myself out...
What's the difference between Hitler and Usain bolt? Usain bolt can finish a race.
What is the most obvious caretaker? It's a parent.
Is my kid an official US Citizen if she just talked about how good the ranch dressing at the Cheesecake Factory is for 10mins?
I once got kicked out of a library... ..because I put a book about women's rights in the fiction section.
What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? ... You get repossessed.
Not funny, people. I lost both my parents to a Hot Tub Time Machine.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ... Then I thought, look what's telling me that.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega sore ass.
What is Miley Cyrus's favorite color? Twerquoise
What do you call someone who is obsessed with Joan of Arc? A heroine addict.
I had to Seymour Hoffman at the gas station today You know, Philip?
When you're as good at levitation as I am... It's hard to keep your feet on the ground.
How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
I'm eating for two That's why I look like I'm pregnant
As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself... This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.
How do crazy people make it through a forest? They take the psycho-path.
Do I look like a fan to you? Because you seem so much cooler when I'm around.
My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!
So a horse walks into a bar...... and the bartender asks "Why the fuck is there a horse in my bar?"
I plagiarized a book about native Americans... I eventually got siouxed.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number..... She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
My grandfather had the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo
A Mexican magician says that he can disappear on the count of three Uno Dos ...POOF He disappeared without a tres
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender.
What's the difference between a tea cup and pea cup? A teacup is what the British drink out of and a pea cup is what the Mexicans drive.
Your so bald I can see what your thinking.
Did you hear that the Vatican elected a new Pope? Never mind, they were just blowing smoke.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I'm always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
An original joke about Mathew and Not-Mathew. Me:Mathew and Not-Mathew were on a boat. Mathew fell off the boat. Who was left? You:Not-Mathew. Me:Yeah Mathew was the one who fell out. Idiot.
What do you call a huge ugly slobbering furry monster with cotton wool in his ears? Anything you like ? he can't hear you.
ceimr thats "crime" but in alphabetical order organized crime
The most dire of Jay-Z's 99 problems is his inability to properly delegate minor problems.
The year is 2005. Hollaback Girl is playing. We find a table and discuss how we each decided on our MySpace top 8. Everyone is ok with this.
I went to the shop to buy 5 eggs, therefore I went back to the shop to buy another egg
what did president abe lincoln call his journal? ...his lincoln logs
I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate 4th of July Surely 240 years of being officially seperate from America is something to be happy about
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious? Cops:...Ok that's funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.
How much longer? Did you bring any snacks? They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet? - me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I went to the library and tried to take home a book on suicide The librarian said "fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work. The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
A dad is suspicious, and asks his teenager "Son, would you pass a drug test right now?" "Sure, I know all about drugs - quiz me!"
As a gay dude, having a boyfriend with a small penis gets me down sometimes. But I try to stay positive - I'm an ass half full kind of guy.
Me: *empties 4's maracas 4: *shakes maracas* They're broken Me: Oh no.. What happend?
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cosi ! Cosi who ? Cosi has to !
Horse walks into a bar... Bartender says "Hey did you see Donald Trump talking about his dick on tv last night? Can you believe that fucking guy might be president?"
I'm upset b/c 2011 marks yet another year my birthday will not fall on Friday the 13th. I guess that's what I get for being born on May 3rd.
Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors? They're up all night to get Lockheed.
I tried tap dancing once... ... I kept falling in the sink.
What was wrong with Genghis Khan's new suit? There was a chink in his armor.
Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"
What does a flaky boyfriend and constipation have in common? They're both assholes who can't commit.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going? Motorist: No you're the one with the radar.
What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!
What were Jesus's last words to his disciples as he was nailed to the cross? Nobody touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday.
Why don't the polls like Donald Trump? Because he wants to send them back to Poland
kids can't play outside b/c of the miniscule chance they'll be kidnapped. at age 16 they get keys to a 2000-pound machine powered by fire
[Girl's night out] Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.
My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley. Clearly, I'm going to hell. My kids don't know what Bob Marley looks like
Good news: I finally had sex with my wife last night! Bad news: I spent the entire 60secs wondering how I was going to tweet it to you guy
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see? Patient: A house and Me: Wrong it's Batman. Ok this one? Patient: I se Me: Nope. Batman again.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Talking to a Beaver So I was talking to a beaver one day about how I was homeless and told him I was looking for a new place to live. He gave me this commiserating look and said, "Well dam."
Going to youtube with your VPN set to Germany on :/
"It's not the principle, it's the money." Spike Milligan RIP
What does Reddit say to the Joker that doesn't have a punchline?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam? Because the top said "Twist to open."
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my iPhone ...so you can shut the hell up about how scary D-Day at Normandy was, grandpa.
Mafia boss: "I want him swimming with the fishes!" *later at the coral reef* Me: "This is amazing!" Mafia boss: "Anything for you."
I finally watched Bokeback Mountain... I learned that when two cowboys go up into the mountains, the sheep have nothing to worry about!
A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?" I said, "no, it doesn't". *Credit to Jimmy Carr.* **Edit:** ITT: door hinge, syringe, whore binge, Blorenge.
What type of fruit loves chocolate the most? A Coconut.
Did you know Trump nominated a deaf guy to the Presidential cabinet? Congress confirmed him without a hearing.
What's the difference between a Grayhound station and a lobster who got a boob job? Ones a crusty ass bus station, the other is a busty ass crustacean.
What do American beer and sex in a canoe have in common? F***ing close to water!
How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro? because the owner will tell you
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Zelda: Why aren't you mowing the lawn? Link: It's raining Z: No it's not L: *Plays Song of Storms* Z: You're sleeping with Epona tonight
Doctor doctor I feel like I'm part of the Internet! Well you do look a site
Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you're up. Million dollar idea.
Dropping the bass So my friend tells me she respects people who play the bass. I reply with the following: "the only bass I like is the base that drops." Tell me Reddit, tell me I'm hilarious.
I've gone from agony to ecstasy in this last week. Hopefully, by the end of this month... ...I'll be done reading this dictionary.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Why are there no casinos in Africa? There are too many cheetahs.
Why is dog man's best friend? Because it's the only way to have a bitch that doesn't talk.
What's so great about having sex while camping? Its fucking in tents!
What's the difference between golf and sky-diving? In golf, it's "*whack*... Fuck!" And in sky-diving, it's "Fuck!... *whack*".
What is Shulk from Xenoblade's favorite thing to type? Back Slash!
I like my women like I like my coffee... Lukewarm and bitter.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.
My two best friends were born on 4/20... They have a joint birthday party
The Toyota Prius will help reduce your gas bill and your sex life.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you're on offer it a chip. If it eats it you're on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I just moved to a new housing estate and asked my girlfriend to celebrate with anal Her response; "N.I.M.B.Y"
What are Hillary Clinton's favorite shoes? Platform Flip flops !
*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself* 'wait, if that's here' *son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*
what is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist black people would rob me
What's it called when two morticians argue for hours on who gets to bang a corpse? A stalemate.
The Incomplete Surveys Institute concluded that 78% of every women
Jokes Why did the ax go to jail
Two fish are swimming when they run into a wall. One of the fish turns to the other and says "damn."
*holding banana up to my ear as if it's a phone* haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i'm n-*banana rings* oh crap
If I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
"Sure, you could bury it but hear me out." Taxidermy is invented.
"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law "Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law
Daddy? What is a tranny? Ask your mother. He knows.
What's Batman's favorite food? Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
*wakes up before alarm goes off* please be 5am please be 5am *checks time* 2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
What did the snowman order at MacDonalds ? Icerbergers with chilli sauce !
Mechanical bull rides are a good place to meet someone with busted genitals.
I asked my German friend how many jews there are in Germany today He replied: I don't know, do you want me to gas? (This is conversation actually took place like an hour ago)
Hello sir. Your toddler called me a 'stinky poopyhead' at the store. I've spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I'd like to own him now.
Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours? Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box !
What do you use to gamble on vacation? Pair-a-dice!
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I can really relate to eminem in "8 mile" because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
What do you get when you cross the Russian mafia and the Yakuza? Killed.
What did Christian Grey say when he read reviews of his movie? "People did not like my movie. I guess I am 50 shades of letdown... But I can sure GET UP"!
The day Adele decides to crowd surf is the day we learn who her real fans are
Obama said our ship has come in. We're just now realizing it was hardship.
How's this for a magic trick: I sign into Twitter and my desire to do anything productive just disappears.
Why are Indians the best pizza makers? Because they always do the kneedful.
What does Team Rocket and a Peeping tom have in common? They are both always trying to get a Pikachu.
why are black people fast? all the slow ones are in jail
Sometimes I think... ...but usually I dont.
Bernie Sanders fans say "Feel the Bern." Gary Johnson fans say Feel the Johnson.
What did the apple say to the pear? [Man, go] away!
Martin Luther King Jr, Gahndi, and JFK walk together into a bar. "Don't worry," they say to the other angels as they dusted themselves off "the bullets hurt much more."
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 Because I really like that one-to-one time.
Where did the universe attend college? At the university.
I'm so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!
I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding. I like the show. And she's buried in the woods.
[Last Supper] Jesus:"We need 13 chairs please" Judas:"But chairs don't fall into common usage until the 16th century AD" Jesus:"AD?"
How long is a Chinese man Seriously, he is.
I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Help with telegraph/Morse code joke I am doing a presentation on the Telegraph and my teacher is a sucker for a good joke/pun. Any help?
This one is an oldie but a goodie Your mom
I was watching CSI and they found some semen in a woman's ear I guess she heard the killer coming
How do you start a rave in Africa? Glue toast to the ceiling
I'd really like to applaud my doctor. The symptoms of my gonorrhea are finally starting to go away. ::slow clap::
I was visiting /r/nononono and I saw the rule on people not being able to walk away from something, and so I thought... What if they crawled away?
Reddit is really a Green Community, considering that the joke's on you.
What did the prostitute say when she saw Lamar had OD'd? O DANM!
ELI5: Operation of a U-Boat Whoops, wrong sub.
[Breakup] Her: We're just different Him: How? Her: Well, you want to hike & camp Him: And? Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
So I ruined the employee barbecue yesterday. My boss wouldn't stop grilling me about it.
Judge should've sentenced Lindsay Lohan to watch her own movies... oh wait, that's cruel & unusual punishment.
What's long, stiff and full of se(a)men? Maddie McCan
What do you call a zoo enclosure without any change? A nickeless cage.
Why did the Chicken Cross the Basketball Court? He Heard the Ref was Blowing Fouls
What do numbers look like when they get divorced? 96
What did the black guys say to the bleach? you basic
Why did the dog chase the bulldozer? It doesn't like Cats.
A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I'm drinking.
When you go to the dentist, Reddit... Don't cheetohn your diet!
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You think it's 'R' but it's really the 'C'. :D
America is still a British colony In England we speak English In France we speak French In Germany we speak German In China we speak Chinese In America we speak English *drops mic and leaves*
My teacher reminds me of history She's always repeating herself!
I don't like you messing with my donkey call-center business. I'm the one with my ass on the line.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" *Mom:* "I told you not to call me mom in public."
My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
What does a doughnut have in common with a nut? They dough nut have anything in common.
What does a woman have in common with a KFC meal? Once your are done with the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to throw your bone in.
Why can't Chinese people have white babies? Because two wongs don't make a white.
If Captain America's shield is vibranium, then... Hawkeye's shield is Quicksilver
Whats the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker stops fucking you when your dead.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
What does a ghost trucker drive? Frightliner edit: sawonne assured me no apology was necessary.
Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
So I went to grad school and finished my doctorate... I got my doctorate in fighting games and completed a masters in traditional line dancing. My degree is called the Shoryucan-can
"Great, now we're looking at luggage. Not like we need more luggage." Me, 11/25/2015
Friend told me this one today. Fed Ex and UPS Did you hear Fed-Ex and UPS joined together and made a conglomerate?They called it fed up.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as "not Bruce Willis" and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Irish weather is like a Muslim... Its either Sunni or Shi'ite
Why couldn't Cinderella play football very well? Her coach was a pumpkin
5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie. Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie?? 5: Dreams come true.
What animal did they have in concentration camps? Dachau
My wife found out I was cheating... ... after she found the letters I was hiding. She got real mad and said that she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.
I used to get my dad so angry as a kid. I knew that once he took that belt off there was nothing i could do... to keep him from shooting heroin
Why does Michael Jackson love placing 2nd in races Because he loves coming in a little behind
Him: How much do you love me? Me: A bit more than pizza. Him: Me: But not as much as coffee.
999 The devil's in the handstands.
A sandwich walks into a bar The bartender looks at it and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
*me loggin into twitter* I'll have to bypass their security system *types in password* bingo
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit.
Why is there no gambling in Africa? Cuz there's too many cheetahs.
[High School Reunion] Him: I started my own Law Firm last year Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Have you heard about the new broom they invented? Its sweeping the nation
"Is that the guy who doesn't know how to use the word poignant?" Yea shhh he's coming over here THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours.
What is the core of Uranus called Urectum
What's worse than having spiders on your piano? Having crabs on your organ.
My neighbours love so much the music I listen to all day They even called the police to hear it, too...!!
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
Six meaty inches of protein packed bliss! No joke, the actual description of the black forest ham sandwich from Subway for their October special.
I'd like to tell a joke about pedophiles but they're fucking immature assholes.
My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
You know who I really hate? People less open minded than me.
You're so fat, you could sell shade.
How do blondes' brain cells die? Alone
Dude, you're so black that when you wash yourself with soap... ... You have to wash the soap itself with washing powder afterwards.
Due to the prostitute's arm injury, she can do no more than 5 handjobs a night. Damn handie-cap!
How does a blind parachutist know when to pull his rip-chord? The leash goes slack...
How did the fish's tail get stuck in the anchor chain? It was just a fluke!
Why did the cookie not laugh at your joke? Because it was crumby.
What's the difference between a skilled magician and a women's choir? Well, the magician has a cunning array of stunts...
knock knock Knock knock? Who's there? King Tut King Tut who? King Tut Key Fried Chicken!
What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.
Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault? Of course you have, because that's the definition of an accident.
I just saw a picture of a duck posing and doing a dumbwhitegirlface.
An accountant who disappears with all his client's money is a math magician.
Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst
How does a chemist introduce Batman? Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!
What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common? Blood on your stool
What do you call an Irish man that bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.
What did the biologist's sister say to her sister after she dropped a beaker on her foot... Mitosis
Eating clocks is... time consuming. Sorry.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they're murdered is the sound of their pen that they won't stop clicking.
How many libertarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb has to pull itself up by the bootstraps and screw itself in
It's like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Married people always ask when you're getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Don't spell "part" backward! It's a trap.
What's Gabe Newell's favourite game? Angry Nerds
If your feet smell and your nose runs... ...you're probably built upside-down.
Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we're thinking.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
'Don't say foreskin instead of four score don't say foreskin instead of four score you GOT this Abe' *AHEM* "FORESKIN FUCK LEMME START OVER"
I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren't three other people around.
I came into a lot of money today. But now the bills are all stuck together :(
Apparently mime on mime violence is a real problem, you just don't hear about it.
I have good taste, but I don't have the money to prove it.
I am allergic to fire Everytime I touch it I get burned
I wanted to shave my testicles... But I didn't have the balls.
WIFE: We'd have less arguments if he wasn't so pedantic THERAPIST [to me] Is that right? ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Solar powered watch free to collector This is not a wind up.
You hear the one about the cow that told too many jokes? They say he was milking it.
A rock flying through the hemisphere is called an Asteroid. A lump on your ass is called a Hemorrhoid...... If you think  of it,Shouldn't it be the other way around?
What's the difference between Jimmy Savile and a greyhound. The Greyhound waits for the hair to appear first.
A man goes to a barber shop... "How much for a haircut?" "$20" answers the barber. "What about shaving?" "$10" "Okay, shave my head, please."
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
So I bought shoes from a drug dealer today... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
What does a gentleman do after sex? He puts the diaper back on.
You guys know I'm not one to brag, but my cooking is "to die from."
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
What do you call a psychic, escape convict who is also a dwarf? A small medium at large.
Whats the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut? About 3 weeks.
Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said  "Go forth and multiply" ? They couldn't they were adders !
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car? because she was a woman!
I have a confession to make: I masturbate in the shower. It feels good to come clean.
why do you always have nicer earrings than me mexican babies
My girlfriend asked me if I was a pedophile. I told her: "That's a big word for a six year old!"
I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk
When is a bread not kneaded? When it's unnecessary
People shouldn't make rape jokes The laughter is usually forced.
Who the hell came up with 'prolly' for probably?
*getting murdered* Oh, wow, this is totally clearing my sinuses
What would you call two banana skins ? A pair of slippers.
I was expecting "The Last Airbender" to be a disappointment. I was not disappointed.
Everyone in horror movies: *loud scream* It was probably just the wind *a ghost flies across room* Just the wind *dog gets cut in half* Wind
Two IT guys are having a chat during a coffee break and one of them sais to the other: Could you borrow me $500? Of course. But let's round it up. Here's $512.
What do you call five black people having sex? A threesome
My wife has been mad at me lately because she says I need to get my priorities straight... I told her we can talk about it after this episode of Spongebob.
My pastor said the day gay marriage was made fully legal in the US was worse than 9/11.
Maybe don't name your musical "Rent" if you don't even have songs that discuss real estate or leasing procedures. 0/10, very disappointing.
What do you get when you cross a Jew with two planks of wood? Christianity
Plans to move the Russian Embassy from its current location have had to be postponed. Because Donald Trump won't pull his head out of the new place.
What famous painting do cows love to look at?  The Moona Lisa!
Why is Jesus Christ so buff? Crossfit
Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?...Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it
I just invented a new word. 'Plagiarism'
I was trying to think of a joke about friends... But I don't have any.
What goes "Tick Tock, woof woof"? A watchdog.
What do elephants and ice cream have in common? They both come in quarts...
Did you hear they recently opened a bar on the moon? The cocktails are great, but it has no atmosphere.
What did one gay sperm say to the other? "How am I supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"
What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..? Kill Bill.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
An old man goes to the doctor... Man: Doc, my belly is so fat I can't see my penis at all! Doctor: Have you tried to diet? Man: Why? What color is it now?
How can you get 20 jews into a VW Beetle? Easy - just use the ashtray
I returned some shorts to Walmart and bought a pizza, with the credit I had received, to share with my wife... She kinda ate my shorts.
I'd jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.
Why do blind people not skydive? Scares the living shit outa their dogs!
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 is Dec 25
For Halloween I'm just gonna talk shit to complete strangers and go as the internet.
Fatboy Slim announced that he's releasing a monthly cookie delivery service It's called 'Snack My Bitch Up.'
"Your days are numbered!" - inventor of the calendar, joyously announcing his accomplishment
"How often do you exercise?" About 3 to 4 times a week. "Be honest." 2003.
"They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!" -- me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Parent: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Jokes What did the lion say to the bee
We need more women in science! said the feminist gender studies student...
While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you're not allowed to use them. Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
What is the best pick up line at a gay bar? "Hello, can I push your stool in for you?"
How do you piss off a male archaeologist? You take a shit in his car.
Is this math joke going to be bad? Paraboly
Like they say in Vegas.....always bet on black!!!!
I think people get married just to get Likes' on Facebook.
What's Batman's favorite dessert? Just ice cream
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop. Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer. DD: U sure? Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
TRUMP: I'm building a wall to keep Mexicans out. AMERICANS: I'm going to Canada if Trump is elected. CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.
I formed a band with my therapy group. It was fun for a while, but we couldn't make it big. Our album 'Appetite for Self-Destruction' didn't do well with the critics.
I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.
Friends- What did you get for your birthday? Her- He went to Jared Friends- You're engaged!!! Her- No Jared is our weed dealer
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? NONE!
Which profession has the worst sense of humour? Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes. But opticians like them *cornea*.
[vet office] Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up. *doctor walks out* "Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we- I'll take my cat elsewhere
You think you're going to win this? I've been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years. You don't stand a chance.
I was working at the butchers yesterday and a man comes in looking for a small chicken. I asked him to describe it so we can look for it together.
A majority of my fortune will be spent accurately recreating the obstacle courses of Nickelodeon shows from my childhood.
Eye jokes aren't funny They're really cornea.
What do Mexicans use to slice pizza? Little Caesers
Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window? Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.
My wife went to see a spiritualist last week. I asked her "how did you rate her?" She said "medium."
I'm gonna play on a Slip n' Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Can a ninja throw a star? Shur-He-Can
With my luck, I'll die and get reincarnated as myself.
The Japenese Way of Death by Harri Kirri
Saw a blonde taking a milk bath... I said: Is it pasturized? She said: No silly, it's only up to my tits.
What do you call a story about a broken-down computer mouse? Depressing. \**crickets**
It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Which historical invention was the most revolutionary? The wheel :)
A Mexican went into a Japanese restaurant and ordered but only to be disappointed when he was served with a live Octopus slammed in his plate. He asked for a taco.
Had a German plumber over today And he managed to plug our gas line to the shower. Guess old habits is hard to get out of Edit: spelling
What did the Japanese man say to the hooker? You might feel a tiny prick.
Need to have a talk about drugs with my 14 year old son because my regular connection just dried up. -Danny Zucker
A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses  medicine.
I like my mashed potatoes like I like my babies smothered - thought of this while making dinner and discussing having children with my fiance... I don't think I'm ready for kids
Saw my neighbor walking down the street with a case of beer, I said "That for me?". He said "I got this for my wife", I said "Great trade!"
Son: Dad, why'd you name me Achilles? He's from Greek mythology. Dad: Well son, you broke through the trojan wall.
Why stop with two L's Lloyd? why?
You HAVE to listen to this song, it's perfect. Okay, this opening is slow... The vocals aren't great here... Wow. This is trash, and I am trash.
What do you call a shooting at a Mexican golf course? A hole in Juan
I can teach you to write in steps. I call it stair-case....
I can't believe how different life was before *googles* Al Gore invented the Internet
What Do They Call You? You build one ship - do they call you a ship builder? NO You build on bridge - do they call you a bridge builder? NO But you suck just one cock
A man goes to the doctor... ...to seek treatment for both premature ejaculation and diarrhea. The doctor simply shrugs and says "Easy come, easy go."
When I die... When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not screaming in pain like the passengers in his car.
Why can't someone who wears glasses get a job? They don't have any contacts!
I HATE when people rub things in my face. Unless it's boobs.
No. RT @BarackObama: Is the song "Piano Man" about a guy who is actually part piano, like a monster?
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? wiped.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Easy, you just look for the fresh prints.
The bible is 100% accurate when thrown from close range.
what's better than roses on the piano? Tulips on your organ.
"If she never used dial-up Internet she's too young for you bro"
A scientist walks into a bar and seems depressed. The bartender asks "What's the matter?" The scientist replies "Everything is matter."
What's the difference between jelly &amp; jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat
What did the bread say when it was about have an orgasm? (NSFW) What did the bread say when it was about to have an orgasm? "I'm Crumbing"
An American cop stops a man driving. "Do you have any idea why I pulled you over?" "Umm, no?" "Neither do I" *cop shoots man 6 times"
Everyone, stop making menstrual cycle jokes. Period.
A man walks into a bar He says "Ow!"
I've been getting a lot more use out of my treadmill since I put a blanket and pillow on it.
The man who went to the bar with a gun. A man comes in a bar with a gun in his hands and yells "Who the hell fucked my wife!?", a voice at the back says "you don't have enough bullets, mate!"
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won't stop talking to me and I think I've made a horrible mistake.
What did the Ocean say to the Beach? Nothing, it just waved... Thank you, than you.... I'm here all week
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then... ... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
When Shall We Meet Again ? by Miles Apart
I feel like we're so close to finding the perfect zinger that will make the whole country immediately unite.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
True story My dad ate whale in Japan but it wasn't on porpoise.
What do you call an Indian that's been hit by a car? Pindunderjeep
Why can't men be accountants? because they don't understand periods
i'm so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don't accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just "all the money you got"
A Mexican performs a magic trick. He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* ... he disappeared without a tres!
The best part about dating a homeless girl You can drop her off anywhere.
Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render buildings on the other side.
Why don't plumbers like to work on instant hot water heaters? It's a tankless job!
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a crap."
How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hehe... 'screw' Alternatively: 69, but everyone expects that one.
What's the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go to the store without Robin.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None
Somebody stole my mood ring I don't know how to feel about it.
The "impossible" EM Drive works, space travel just became more viable. Yet Half Life 3 still unconfirmed.
About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.
Me: I get most of my tweeting material from you son. 9: I'm glad I expire you. Me: See what I mean.
What do you call an abortion in Prague? A cancelled Czech.
People who automatically say it will get better without actually knowing what the problem is... is why there are bodies buried in my yard
TIFU by letting my dog have sex with me (NSFW) It was ruff
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? ... They're really good at it.
What has antlers pulls Father Christmas' sleigh and is made of cement? I don't know. A reindeer! What about the cement? I just threw that in to make it hard.
I used to have a job eating vegetables I hated it, but the celery was good
I can't afford Netflix... So how about Putlocker and rape?
Why is it that whenever there is two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?
I'm bad at Math. The equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.
The only thing I know about women is that they have lots of feelings and they're not afraid to tell you about each and every one of them.
When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON" *Puts on dragon costume *Waits in bushes
Doctor told me I will die soon. Bastard found out I was banging his wife.
Chief cop: "This might be racially motivated." Ian: "Hate crime?" Chief cop: "We all hate crime, Ian. That's why we are cops."
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Islamic sex dolls... blow themselves up.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
What do you call a shoe with no grip? A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)
This year I'll avoid all the trouble of taking down my Christmas lights... I'll just turn my house into an Italian restaurant.
[Pick Up Line] Is someone calling me, Or are you just that beautiful. Because Something Is vibrating in my Pocket...
Why are there no mexican in the olympics? Because any Mexican that can run, jump or swim is in america!
Why don't whales eat sushi very often? Of course whales like sushi. It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.
How do you get out of a Russian prison? You have Vladmir Putin a word for you.
My penis is referred to by the female market as... The sperm whale
A woman who's husband died is called a widow, what do you call a husband who's wife died? Lucky
Just bet myself that the guy walking ahead of me was rocking a mustache. Won. Rewarded myself with the delusion that I live a full life.
I gave away all of my dead batteries Free of charge.
I once found this body down by the train tracks (It was an alive body) (It was the conductor)
I know one more duck joke! Santa Clause to the snow man: give me the carrot or I am going to blow dry you! (Ok, this one doesn't work in english)
Her: You should drink in moderation Me: Moderation?You makin words up? H: You're gonna piss on my lawn again aren't you? M: ...In moderation
Say "raise up lights" out loud. You just said "razor blades" with an Australian accent.
Donald trump wants to run for president, Why not? Wouldn't be the first time he's pushed a black family out of their home. (Snoop Dogg - /u/Here_Comes_The_King )
A feminist walks into a bar Just kidding she couldn't fit through the doorway
Don't make fun of a retarded dwarf it's not big and it's not clever
Why are giraffes' necks so long? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common? They both slowly remove clogs. I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original. Thanks for the gold !
I see children like I see bongo drums They're slightly irritating but it's fashionable for the rich to bring them back from Africa Edit:people also dislike it when you beat them In public
I don't get why supermodels are considered attractive. I mean they have the body of a 12 year old boy, but the face isn't as sexy.
I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny
What do deviant nuns have? Big bad habits.
Why did the lebo cross the road? To fuck a chicken Why did 20 lebo's cross the road? Cause the chicken was winning
Life called: They're all out of lemons. It's over.
What is ISIS's favorite kind of coffee? Decapitated
What's Mohammed, Moses and Noah's favourite dessert? Propheteroles
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it's a vicious cycle.
what type of beer does a hemorrhoid enjoy? pilesner
What's white and fuzzy and lives high up in the trees? A Meringue - a - tan.
I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.
Have you guys heard my joke about elevators? It's funny on multiple levels
Why will global warming eventually confuse women trying to reach orgasm? Because it will constantly be changing the position of the clittoral.
[1st moon landing] Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound Neil: Ok *steps onto moon* Neil: *clears throat* I'm a vegan
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
What did the pirate say about the steering wheel in his pants? "Arrg, it's driving me nuts!"
David Cameron's legacy David Cameron will go down in history as the man who fucked up his campaign, fucked up his job, and fucked up a dead pig.
I don't play mario kart with my brother anymore. Because we are both in our 20's & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.
DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you. ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
Where do animals go when they lose their tails? The retail store!
How do you make your GF cry during sex? Phone her... ;)
I hope I never have to produce an alibi...cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Why did the undercover cop pose as a waiter? So he could protect and serve.
I also like my women like I like my coffee... ...cheaply imported from Brazil
Knock, knock, it's the police open the door. -Can you wait, I'm taking a shit! -We know, the telephone booth is see through
Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.
I thought I was getting a car for christmas... turns out all I got was a toy Yoda
I used to play checkers with my dad but he would always beat me. Probably because I would always win at checkers.
Shout "out" to... ...baseball players who have three strikes.
Why can't Ross &amp; Phoebe ever drown? Because David Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.
What is Mexico's National Sport? Cross-Country
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaah!
What happens when a Jewish man with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose.
OPPOSITES IF PRO IS THE OPPOSITE OF CON. WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF PRO-GRESS? CON-GRESS
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bunny? The tame way.
9/10 people said they enjoyed gang rape
What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale ? You can't keep a good man down !
I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter... I got blocked.
What's a linking verb's favorite genre of music? Are &amp; Be
Did you hear the one about the two guys who voted no? Neither did aye.
We see you, people with transitions glasses that haven't fully adjusted to the correct lighting. We see you.
If you're looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I'm pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.
hey pepe hi my name is lyora
I didn't masturbate for over a year. That mistake blew up in my face.
Before we begin, does everyone know how to leave the cursor in the middle of every video? Good. - 1st day of teaching school
An apple a day keeps the doctors away... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
I bought a book on eBay called "How to Scam on eBay". It still hasn't arrived.
Girl:want to have a good time Guy:sure Girl:for you its free
What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas? A Wii fit
I just came back from a Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me!! passing the parcel was super quick.
Hey girl, why don't you treat me like a calculator... and give me them digits.
Why didn't Drake head on down to South Park? He would never leave his woes behind.
The reason I'm so happy today is because I got a penis enlarger... She's 18 years old!
Wanna hear a joke about Reddit? This thread has been locked by the moderators due to excessive off-topic posting. [M]
Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
I am not a vegetarian because i love animals but i am a vegetarian because i hate plants
Rather? What is the best yes/no question(a.k.a. scrubles)? Similar to rater or not...
What did the Mexican man say after two houses fell on him? "Get off me, homes"
I put my phone in airplane mode. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Why didn't the President fight with the chair? Because we don't negotiate with chair-orrists.
Man found dead... in an ice cream van covered in sprinkles. Police think he topped himself.
Give me a few strong men, and I'll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I'll conquer the world.
DATE: dessert? MY BRAIN: im full MY STOMACH: i want food DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn't have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking...presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Why did the dog lose the lawsuit? It was a shih-tzu
What do you call a walrus that's been hit by a bus? Dead.
What literary devices do butchers use? Meataphors.
Why does Mexico never do well in the Olympics? Anyone who can run, jump or swim is already over the border
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard. No? Ok, I'll show myself out.
Wow Monica Lewinski is 50 They grow up so fast. It seems like it was just yesterday, she was crawling around the Oval Office putting everything in her mouth.
"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."
What is the black stuff between elephants' toes? Slow natives
What happens when you play a country song backwards? It sounds like shit
What does a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars. Well, except for the duck.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The NFL just got a new official sponsor. V8
Project manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month. Project manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.
How do you know if your wife is dead? Sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.
Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they're bars and she's an old timey prisoner with a tin mug
[Troy in the olden times] "WTF is that?" A wooden horse "It's not full of soldiers is it?" [from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Can you get a tattoo on your penis? Yea, but it would be hard.
What's Thor's favourite piece of clothing? Thunderpants
Elderly man gets his prostate checked As the Dr. Checks with out hesitation the elderly man asks Sandusky that you.
I can't have been the only one who was confused by the Rosa Parks story as a kid, on a basis of "the cool kids sit in the back of the bus."
How did Samuel Morse propose to his wife? .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -.-- --- ..- / -- .- .-. .-. -.-- / -- . ..--..
What did the ram say as his lover lay on her deathbed? There will never be another ewe.
My daughter spelled America "Merica" on a book report so now I'm searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My son got thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class jack him off... I said "Son, That's three schools this year...maybe teaching is not for you"
How do I know we are going to have sex tonight? Because, I'm stronger then you are.
Businesses in Ferguson could have saved so much trouble just by changing their front signs. They could have saved their stores by changing the sign to say: "[Owner Name]'s Fine Work Boots"
Auto correct can go straight to He'll
Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...
it's so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle?  A nerd herd!
Asked God his thoughts on assuming genders, his reply... "Hmmm, I guess I should have made it more obvious"
Minecraft: Story Mode Nerdcubed did it better nearly half a decade sooner
Customer: Why don't you eat here waiter? Waiter: Serving it is bad enough I don't want to compound the  felony.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Clean: How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice, place a bunch of peas in that hole, and when a polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him right in the ice hole.
I went down to the local Pub and I came home with this great joke told to me by a baby. Goo goo ga ga gah?
BUNNIES: I love hopping! SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn't we get home and check on our delicious babies?
What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor
Heard this one from my 8 year old and couldn't stop laughing Q: Who made King Arthur's table round? A: Sir Cumference
7yo: "Who's singing this?" Me: "Franz Ferdinand." 7yo: "But, he died in 1914." Me:
How did the frog die? He Kermitted suicide
If by "fetching" you mean "looks like I was dragged from the woods by a dog" then yes I look fetching.
[job interview] Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I'll be able to buy pants. I can't just skip ahead to the last step.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year, and its own the chimney.
A girlfriend of mine was a psychic ... we broke up before we met.
Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up angrily, yelling at him, "Get out! We don't take stuck up snobs like you!" Argon doesn't react.
The miserly squirrel never found a mate, because he insisted on aprenutshell agreement.
A German tourist in France. A German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."
What's the oldest trick in the book? Trick #1, duh. It's at the beginning of the contents.
A man is sitting at home when he hears someone knocking at the door Knock Knock Knock knock Knock knock knock Knock knock knock knock knock "Who's there?" "Fibonacci"
You haven't mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it's about them
Niece: I like math M: 5 X 1? N: 5 M: *takes out phone* right N:You're using your phone? M: I got a text N: I didnt hear a sound *runs away*
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Must thank Matthew Broderick for overcoming my fear of sex after pregnancy. He reminded me that sometimes you just have to get back on the horse.
"Elementary Logic" (revised edition), by one of the most influential analytic philosophers from Ohio brought to you by: Philosophy of Science subreddit
What is the difference between a crackhead and a walrus? One tooth
A toilet seat left up in the ladies room can only mean one thing. Lady cocks.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring
Why do you give children who swallowed poison some milk? To make them happy before they die.
If you don't like where you are in your life ~ Then move you are not a tree
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe? More often than not, they were called "peasants"
*hands stranger a condom S: I don't need this Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak
Why did the Ape jump off the building? He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!
My wife is extremely pissed off At least my girlfriend understands
Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably
Three kittens were on a roof, which slipped off first? The one with the lowest mew
Why did the TSA hire a dentist? to help with the cavity searches
Daughter: Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor? Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Do you know why the guy who picks up medical waste from the vet drives a car shaped like a dog bone? He likes to drive the dog's nuts.
Whats Red and bad for your Teeth? A brick.
Women are a lot like heroin. At first you're like, "Oh geez, this is fun" then eventually you die.
What do buffalo do when they get sick? They Yak
MADOKA MAGICA SPOILERS Why did Tomoe Mami die? She got ahead of herself.
Top causes of divorce: 1. Finances 2. Infidelity 3. Unmet expectations 4. Growing apart 5. Tandem bikes
Cephalopod humour How much does it cost to treat an ill octopus? Six Quid....
I used to do this impression where I was a blind anaesthetist; stopped 'cause the audience wasn't feelin' it and I couldn't see the point.
It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I took a vacation to a city in France. It was Nice.
What's the first step to throwing a space party? You planet.
The first rule of liars club is to tell everyone you're in fight club.
A silly little joke I just made up about schizophrenia Person 1: I'm not schizophrenic! Person 2: I never said you were. Person 1: Oh, sorry, I guess I must be hearing things.
What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
"So, you're going that way? Cool. Me too." - Dogs
A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.
I never mess with anyone in a Pontiac Aztek. I just don't want to be on the wrong end of another of their poor decisions.
What did Water say to Fire when they met for the first time? Shhhhhhh.
How much does a hipster weigh? .. An instagram
Why did the chicken cross my wife? Because I ran her over in the street.
Reddit users love reading the same thing again and again. Here's proof....
I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There's a lovely key change at the end.
Hi Reddit, I am on AA Flight 451. We're going down. AMA!
I had an idea for a fighting game.. But turns out, it was tekken
What do bed detectives solve? Pillow cases
Nephews joke... What do you call a witch that goes to the beach? Sandwich(sandwitch) -my nephew
They say there are plenty of fish in the sea But until I catch one, I'm stuck here waiting holding my rod.
[NSFW]What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
Mohammed Ali &amp; Michael J Fox How come every video of Ali and Michael J Fox I see them in they're shaking hands? To soon....?
The only kind of meat a priest can eat on a Friday..... is nun.
http://i.imgur.com/p7HBLoo.jpg Oklahoma rest stops be so nasty.
Girls don't fart or poo That's why they are full of shit.
"Oh snap!" - branches
You'r mum... ...is so **poor** she can't even pay attetntion.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer's eyes] "I'm afraid I only like you as a Friend"
What did the seahorse say to the fat man? "You're fat!"
Why are linux geeks very introvertish ? Because they never get out of their shell
John only wants to fuck virgins. He's such a cherry dicker
LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.
Why couldn't the teller comprehend the bank robber? He was bad at stickup lines.
"The hell with friendship, our top priority has always been between our legs."
What is the one smell you can never get out of the house, no matter what you spray or what incense you burn? Your grandparents.
I had a Chinese last night... His name was Yang Li
I hate it when people call me judgemental Especially people wearing shoes like that
Never date an Olympic Athelete They're all gold diggers
Stallone took home the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor. Should sit nicely next to his Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film; Rambo.
Friend: I love FB but it's gettin a lil boring. Me: Well that's cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning. Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I was looking at a menu in a restaurant last night, and there was something called the Jeremy Clarkson special. I was wondering what it was, and then it hit me
What ghost is handy in the kitchen? A recipe spook.
Happiness won't just walk into your life on its own. But neither will unhappiness. So if you don't want trouble in your life... then you'd best stay still and never move a muscle.
What did the Rastafarian say to his lady friend? Jamaican me crazy!!
1- Buy a big padlock. 2- Throw the key into the ocean. 3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes. 4- Attach padlock to earlobe. 5- Run.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I'm crying alone in parking lots.
The ultimate masochist The submissive: Hit me!!! The masochist: No...
A fine piece of art is like a fine piece of ass, I don't understand either one but I want to take both home and mount them against the wall.
I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It'd be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.
So I just had a very awkward conversation with a bulimic over lunch. It's safe to say; that didn't go down very well.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you can throw them
Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.
What's another nickname for Donald Trump? ##The Annoying Orange.
In a blind taste test ...Stevie Wonder was delicious
There are 3 types of comments I hate. 1. Unrelated ones. 2. Lists. 3. Ironical.
Q: Why does everyone love cats? - A: They're purr-fect!
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Went on a date with a non-partisan woman I gave it to her right down the middle.
Mood ring I got my wife a mood ring. When she's in a good mood it turns a beautiful shade of blue. When she's in a bad mood it leaves an ugly red mark on my forehead.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and re-sell it.
If you still have a landline, I assume you also own a butter churn and ride a dinosaur to work.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator
Who is the only person to get 15 Million dollars from a Nigerian prince? Hillary Clinton.
What do you call a bouncer at a gay club? A flamethrower
Imagine me in bed. Wrong. Wetter. Wrong again. Wetter. Wrong AGAIN! Soaking wet. This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!
What is the hamburgers' motto? If at first you don't succeed fry fry again!
I insulted a communist. I told him he was dressed "classy"
What is black and white and red all over? A suicide note. Edit: I already feel horrible Edit 2: I left out a semicolon
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
You hear what they are calling Bruce Jenner's new TV show? "Cait Plus 8-inches."
What is a whale's favorite TV show? Flukes of Hazard!
Apparently the norwegian government pays for you to hire convicts I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con.
My cousin is a total audiophile... He came as soon as he heard
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin' to Do.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... ...one turns to the other and says, "Wow, I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there."
Do you know what he was be for he was Putin ? he was Stalin.
How do you know you're at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit.
I always thought I should be a comedian... ... because growing up my parents always told me I was a fucking joke.
Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress? She was charged with rustling!
What has two legs and red all over? Half a puppy... I'm sorry
Why did the chicken cross the road? To complete the joke.
I recently purchased a teddy bear for 10 And named it Mohammed, then sold it for 20. My question is.....have I made a Prophet?
What is Donald Trump's favourite song? Another brick in the wall
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name - The Ped-o-file
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn't see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
"You've reached 911" Knock knock "Sir ple-" Knock knock "This is not-" Knock knock "ok, who's there?" Ben "Ben who" Ben shot real bad "NICE"
I tried to say a punchline to a joke about Hindenburg But it blew up....
What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
Scottish Engineers Q: What is the anthem for Scottish Engineers? A: "All the Single Laddies" Edit: Read it carefully
Me: I can't believe that they're still together after all the shit they have been through! Friend: Who? Me: My ass cheeks. I've got a bad case of diarrhea!
What is a baseball dog? One that chases fowls.
Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove it wasn't a chicken!
A porkchop walks into a bar The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
Painters wear all white while they paint like they don't give a fuck.
How do you tell the difference between a computer scientist and an aspiring music artist? Ask them what 'unsigned' means.
I finally quit smoking because it was bad for my wealth.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
What's the most useless thing on a woman? A drunken Irishmen at 3am. [EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation.
I need Volcano puns Anyone have any good volcano puns that I can use?
Kellyanne Conway can't receive PDF's in her email so she uses an alternative: Fax
A guy says to God: "God... ... to you a minute is like a million years and a penny is like a million dollars. So, could you give me a penny?" God replies "Sure, in a minute"
Most Facebook updates should be like this: Hi everybody, I didn't have anything meaningful to tell you. I just wanted to  waste your time.
I've opened a restaurant called 'Karma'... There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.
I guess i have a nice butt Because everytime i walk away from a conversation i hear, " what an ass ".
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I'll do in the air.
Jesus loves me. This I know. For my neighbor told me so. Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down. I'm flattered...but straight.
How are bad dubstep and constipation similar? Both leave you waiting for the drop.
There wasn't any toilet paper, so I had to use the weekly to wipe my buttocks. Sorry about the shitty news.
[Nsfw] How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew before swallowing
Why dogs are called K9? Because cats are K10
In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking "how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads..."
I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ass!"
How does every racist joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
what do u call a tilt-a-whirl operator with a sunburn? carne asada
Why was the peanut rushed to the hospital? He was a"salted"
Why do divers fall backwards from boats? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in it!
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy. Let your child play the tuba. Tuba players never get laid.
Roses are red Violets don't matter. When a woman says 'I love you' Men scatter.
Did you hear about the biggest breakfast ever served? Back in the 1940's, some guy made over 6 million jews toast.
Terrible one-liner I came up with while on autopilot at work. I'm not saying I'm a sex guru, but I know most of the ins and outs
"Damn girl, you look hot" Really? "Like a sexy little italian car" DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
What does a dog see in the mirror? A chair
It's not really murder if you're already dead to me.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90's so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
You wanna know who sounds like an owl?
When I was young, my dad told me chocolate milk came from brown cows. I really envied little black breastfed babies after that.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know. - smokers
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
How to ruin a joke: By reposting it several times in less than an hour
I see said the blind man... ...as he picked up his hammer and saw.
So I post a link showing Russian agents trying to sell nuclear material to ISIS Gets no up votes, dog and cat videos on front page of reddit. Reddit.
My Level of Maturity Changes Depending On Who I'm With
What's the difference between 1998 and 2016? Hillary Clinton is the punch line this time
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
What do you get for the man who has everything? Condoms.
Hipsters I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".
What do you call a stoner with down syndrome? A baked potato.
Sales of Advent calendars down by 80% this year It looks like their days are numbered
A man asks the waiter: "Why do you have your thumb on my steak?" "So I don't drop it again, Sir."
My sole task as an elevator boy is pushing buttons. It's just depressing.
Roosters are just edible alarm clocks
Yes, autocorrect, I live you too.
Did you hear about the Candy Factory they opened on the East Coast? It closed after a month... they couldn't find any good wrappers.
Why did the console gamer cross the street? To render the rest of the buildings
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they're eating chips on the couch.
What do warm toilet seats and pussy have in common? They both feel nice but you never know who's been there first
The first time I made love to Kate I thought of my late wife, Susan. I thought, this'll teach her to be late
Idea for Big Brother: 7 fundamentalists from 7 different religions with 7 unique deadly weapons plus 1 very cute koala who knows kung fu.
Puts an "I love Daddy" shirt on my kids until they're old enough to read.
I bought some dog scented cologne the other day... Now I get all the bitches.
Q. What is eternity? A. When 4 blondes meet at a 4-way-stop-sign-intersection!
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman? Snowballs.
Levi's commercial idea. A man lay dead on the ground. Another man stands over him. The camera pushes in slowly on the killer's face. Levi's
What song did Kim Jong Il request be played at his funeral? Journey - Don't Stop Bereaving.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
How do you know a drummer is at your door? The knock speeds up.
What a few black wolves and a classic musician have in common? The two are Wolfgang.
What do you get when you cross an ape with a calculator? A Hairy Reasoner. (Andy Rooney used to enjoy this one)
Who had it worse than the Jews in 1941? The Jews in 1942.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Q) What's worse than raining buckets? A) Hailing taxis!
How do you start a black parade? Roll a 40 down the street.
People call my Grandfather Spiderman... He doesn't have superpowers, he just finds it difficult getting out of the bath.
How does a physicist exercise? By pumping ion!
The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.
You know when geese are flying in a V, one side of the V is always longer than the other one? Know why that is? Cause there's more geese on that side.
How much do drum shaped sofas cost? 5 dollars per-cushion.
How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? I'll tell you at 1000 upvotes
I am not a ride or die chick. I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn't you like my last pic?..
How do you start a rave party in Ethiopia? Glue bread to the ceiling.
If you miss a day in cosmetology school... Do you have to do a make-up test?
Difference Between Thief ? Q: What's the difference between a voyeur and a thief? A: A thief snatches your watch.
I let Ellen drive the bus... Pao! Atlest she was able to digg our graves.
Michael J Fox called me earlier but of course he had dialed the wrong number.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you're so quiet it's hard to tell if you're turned on
The lesbian couple next door got me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood what I meant by "I wanna watch"
How many eggs can you eat while fasting? Just one, because after eating it you won't be fasting anymore
Some guy beside me farts, so I say : "Hey! Some arsehole's talking shit behind your back!"
What's the best thing about having sex with 23 year olds? There's twenty of them.
You hear in his will Prince left a bunch of large musical instruments to churches? Turns out he was *a big organ donor.*
What did the pirate captain say to the sucker fish he hired to clean his ship? Suck my *DECK*!!!
Someone told me I looked like a pokemon. I told them I thought it was a little Farfetch'd.
I sometimes wonder why I'm 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember.
Threesome? No Thanks! If I wanted to dissapoint two people at once I would just have dinner with my parents
How can complex numbers be real if i's not real?
Why was the terrorist masturbating on the plane? He was hijacking it.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids. 72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
answer This is too all high school teacher, What is the worst thing that you've seen your student doing?
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel? Someone that knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck off.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid's these days...
I'd like to join the Navajo tribe... I hear they've got great fringe benefits.
Hash browns not tags.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'm condescending. It means I talk down to people.
Why do terrorists recruit married men as suicide bombers? They're easier to convince.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters. ~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, i wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor?
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? So they can see the battle.
I'm a Jack of all trades But a master of pun.
My favorite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy.
Grandma's dementia has been really hard to deal with lately. And the worst of all is... ...She forgot about Dre.
A blonde joke you probably haven't heard for a while ... Hillary Clinton
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I saw a sign at a drug rehab center It said "Keep off the grass"
A blind man walks into the bar... And the table... And the chair...
Did you know that you could also use comments sections to write positive things about people?
Why do Irish stew recipes only call for 239 beans? Because one more, and it would be too-farty.
What does a stick of Big Red and a Jamaican prisoner have in common? Dey both sinna, mon!
It's disturbing when the water pressure in a drinking fountain drops when a toilet is flushed, but even more so when it gets stronger.
A manual RT is like saying "Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please...don't ever stop looking at my face..."
I'm an atheist with a god-complex... ...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.
What did the big chimney say to the smaller chimney? You're too young to be smoking!
Adulthood: If I do the thing I like, I'll be too tired to do the thing I hate.
Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza... Guess I should've put it on aloha temperature.
Politics are like a dick. They keep on getting rammed down my throat.
I went running today but came back after 5 minutes because I forgot something I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.
My wife said I'm not manly I told her she hurt my feelings and I'm going to go cry in a corner.
Turns out telling a friend "you're giving off a weird vibe tonight" is not the most direct way to tell them they're on fire
We get it. If your candidate doesn't win in November, you're moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
What do you call a dinosaur prisoner that drops the soap during shower time? Buttholeissaurus-wreckt
Orange Signal Booster Network Service has a mobile phone signal booster that is specifically designed to improve the Orange Network signal.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Jock Barbie ...looks like Dennis Rodman
Horse walks up to a mirror and says "Why the long face?" Mirror says, "I'm not sad, I'm just reflective today."
What did the pulse say to the legume as he left? Lentil next time.
What's the difference between tequila, and all of my relationships? Tequila never goes bad
Why doesn't a rooster wear pants? Because his pecker is on his head
I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.
A Mexican walks into work...
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter
How do calculus students feel about undefined slopes in Cartesian planes? Indifferential.
My 2015 new years resolution 1920x1080
[ 3 AM ] Friend: I got a flat and I'm stranded Me: Do you have snacks in your car? Friend: No Me: *Hangs up
My friend entered a poetry related pun contest. He stanza good chance.
How JokeExplainBot spent his weekend? Explaining his wife.
I only complimented coz of no shave november Not sure why she got mad!
I decided to get a tattoo of a cross Because I want people to know that not only am I religious, but I also lack creativity and am an asshole.
Once I've read about the perils of alcohol, I've decided to stop. Stop reading that is!
Left-handed people can't do anything right.
How did hitler tie his shoes? In little nazis
Did you hear about the stupid wizard?  He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.
I am finally going to stop procrastinating. Starting tomorrow...
What is 18 inches long, pink, squishy, and makes women cry? SIDS
An old lady at the ATM asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over.
Did you hear about the hunting rule change? It's a game changer.
The message in a bottle is probably my favorite form of communication that involves throwing garbage in the ocean.
Mama Pig has a great new kitchen appliance that  lets her prepare meals ahead. It's called a garbage compactor.
"the immaturity and the copying are my main issues" I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
One of my favorite comedians Bill 1/sec(B)
I've been single for a while now and I'm staring to realize something. They blur out A lot of Asian porn.
My Mom burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess she should have put the oven on aloha setting...
I used to have a lot of sex... Then my VR headset broke.
I was arrested on my way to school today on suspicion of being a terrorist Turns out I bombed the test
Why do girls generally go to the bathroom in groups? 'Cause they're a bunch of pussies.
I was accused of sexual harassment But I couldn't of. Because her ass meant nothing to me.
what's it called when a duck farfs? A butt quack. Hahahahha I'm funny ...
whats better than a pile of dead babys two piles of dead babys and there is 1 in the middle of each piles and they have to eat there way out
A Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him: " Sudden Lee".
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put the wrong socks on this morning
What did you hear about the tree who was in love? He pined everyday.
What was the name of the gay World War II themed porn film starring Charlie Chaplin as Adolf Hitler? The Great Dick Taker
Why did Trump insist on Hillary Clinton as Secretary of state? He doesn't believe women should get above secretary
"Hey pregnant, I'm dad" .... .... .... ..... "Oh god wait."
I painted the garage with my girlfriend yesterday Now I can't get the paint out of her hair.
TIFU by reposting Just kidding. You fuckers love reposts.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!! *holds up severed head The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.
Why do French people only ever have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is *un uf*
What's the difference between a prostitute with dysentery and an epileptic oyster shucker? The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.
ME: My name is Nigel and I'm an alcoholic. AA GROUP: Hi Nigel. *cut to confessional camera* ME: I'm here to WIN, not to make friends.
Why are old printers so musical? Because they are prone to jamming.
How do you greet a three-headed monster? Hi, hi, hi.
What do the official USGA rules state when... you and your opponent are looking for his ball, and he claims to have found it, but you know he is lying because you have it in your pocket?
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
arm's length what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? a speech impediment
I'm giving away parachutes for free. No strings attached.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
I was born Mary Patterson... but then I married and, naturally, I took my husbands name. So now I'm Neil Patterson. From "A Bit of Fry and Laurie"
man walks into lawyer's office. "How much for a consultation?" "Three questions for $150 bucks." "Kinda steep, isn't it?" "Yeah, now what's your last question."
There are 10 types of people. Ones who understand binary, and ones that don't.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Why did Ahmed Mohamed put his clock in a pencil case? because pipe clock would have just been stupid.
Just a reminder that parrots can talk.
What's the difference between a joke and a retorical question?
What kind of vegetable comes to all your parties? A turnup
I'm saving myself for marriage. Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino? 'Ell if i know.
What was the last thing that went through the hostages head? A bullet.
Following the leaking of nude photo's of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[at a funeral] *approaches the weeping widow and embraces her* *whispers* "So you're single now, right?
How many rioters does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be stupid, rioters can't change anything.
I just hope the government doesn't have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they're pretty embarassing.
Got home late to a note that said "Wake me up for sex", which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.
"Y'know, I've realize something. In almost every Western cartoon there is talking animals in it." "Hmm, I can't really think of any." The pig replied.
Tomato/tomahato, potato/potahto, pedestrian/victim. Who cares.
I have the best joke ever My life
Why was the Japanese man so careful when walking in his house? It was made of pranks.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey! We have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?!"
This "violence in the workplace" seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn't do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Kim Kardashin flour bombing incident Police called off the search for the person who flower bombed Kim Kardashin. They learned it was just Lindsey Lohan sneezing
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, "EARTHQUAKE!" Sadly, like many, she's not prepared
After a rough night, I woke up one morning and thought I should join Alcoholics Anonymous... I changed my mind though, because I am NOT a quitter.
[911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-
Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
What do you call a cute little animal you keep in your automobile? A carpet.
Spaghetti, because you didn't like that shirt anyways
How do you know if your best friend is gay? If his dick tastes like shit!
Been dry for a while Damn this cast itches.
What do you call a stack of cats. A Meowuntian
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his coffee? Because his barista fucking hastes hipsters.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2, but its really hard to get them inside the bulb.
I was having trouble with my phone... So I took it to the phone store, and let me tell you! The service was great in there!
What's it called when you sneak into a homosexual wedding? A gay-tecrash Dad joke, right there
What is Batman's favorite sport? Baseball.
Every room in my house has a stained-glass window. Maybe I should wash them sometime....
Did you hear about the Brazilian guy who won the lottery? He is now a Brazilianaire.
What kind of punch hurts the most? A Sandy Hook.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I'll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it!
HAPPY NEW YEAR letter to mods AAEEHNPPRWYY
Donald Trump's Vice President... ...Charlie Sheen, cause they will be Winning!
Where in the world was Carmen, San Diego. San Diego, you idiot.
What does an old woman's qwiffy taste life? Depends .
It's hard to hate the Devil when he makes such delicious cakes.
An Oedipus slip is where you say one thing... ...and fuck your mother.
Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.
"Behold, a 3 headed cat" "um, its just 3 cats taped together" "Behold, a 12 legg...*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat."
A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night.. and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?"
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." 
A man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings
What do you do if someone's choking? Pull back a few inches
Did you hear about the guy from Prague wearing armor? The Czech's in the mail.
Which elf likes to click pictures? sELFie
If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I'm gonna need those back.
Name That Tune My school had a "Name that Tune" activity for the staff, and they had sound trouble so there was silence. I shouted out "John Cage!" and no one laughed.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY'LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
"America's Most Wanted" to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Probably the Biggest Joke of all My fucking existence.
Did blacks invent rape? Or did they steal that too?
Did you hear about the shy masturbating turtle? he really came out of his shell
When you have sex you burn 1000 calories. No wonder you're so fat.
I lasted an hour and 15 seconds in sex yesterday. thanks you daylight savings
"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Wanda" "Wanda who?" "Wanda go out with me?"
What's blue and has big ears ? An elephant at the North Pole !
When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog So someone in the house is happy to see you.
How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little knotsies.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me "Where would you like to sit?" I replied "preferably on a seat." #accomplished
What do you call an a cappella group made up of suburban white girls? Basic Pitches
My friend and I were hiking Me: "That's a huge rock over there!" Him: "Boulder." Me: **"That's a huge rock over there."** EDIT: Thank you guys for the most upvoted post I've made!
What Do You Call A 7 Second Minecraft Video? VINECRAFT DO IT FOR THE MINE XD
I bought a new book today called "How to end your pet's life with dignity" Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down.
Why Ahmed made a clock? To know when to blow up
F-U-C-K Tell her I said hi.
Mass suicide cult leaders are a dying breed
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today? Me: I'm not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
what do you call a mexican on the moon ? an Astronaut you Racist
What did the philosophically-wise Mongol general say to motivate himself? I'm not Immanuel Kant. I'm Genghis Kahn!
So i met a hooker today who said she would do anything for five bucks Guess who got their homework done!
Chris Hansen loses his job and has to get a new job as a cashier at Walmart "Why don't you take a receipt?"
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
Got bored last night and tried looking up the spanish translation of "do not use", but it ended up being no use.
Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... BA DUM PSSHHH
Hey baby, are you a whale? because we can humpback at my place. ;)
Why did a hungry African man crossed the road? To get the aids.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn't I?
Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake? He had a reptile dysfunction
How does Hitler tie his shoes? In littles Nazis.
Whoever decided on spelling "biscuit" really needs to get their shuit together.
What is yellow and eats beetles for a living? Yoko Ono.
[mailman delivering package to hospital] DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered MAILMAN: please stop saying that
If you are a rock climber and are looking for new carabiner... I can get you a nice hookup on a deal. Edit: Apparently I can't edit the title to add the missing letter.
People keep pushing me around and calling me lazy... I don't care what they say though this wheelchair is the best thing I ever bought!
baby i put the STD in stud now all i need is u
Today's interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college
Hey white people, remember when we would all watch the Chapelle's Show then immediately change the channel when the rappers came out? HAHA
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A Baboom!
If you ain't Muslim... ....you ain't Shiite
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? 10. 1 to change it and 9 to say they could have done it better.
"It's a boy!" I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.
How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? Should it really be a lightbulb?
Awful pick up line Are you my big toe? Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.
You know what makes my blood boil? Temperatures above 100 degrees celsius.
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner's moves. You're gonna sacrifice some horses
What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW? With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.
They say don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
You know why when you look up and see birds flying in a V pattern, one side seems longer than the other? More birds on that side.
If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.
What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation? He packs his trunk and leaves. I should go back to studying now. K bye.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said "supprt your local beaver" or maybe it said "support your local brewer" either way it's sound advice.
I'm always ready to go back to sleep
When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.
I understand exponents To a degree
After years of failure, the "scientist" that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because its the scenter.
How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Penis.
You know how some parents get mad and say your whole name? Dad : "You are in big trouble mister. Come down here.. .......... I said COME DOWN HERE.. JIMMY GO DEEPER" Jimmy: "I'm trying Dad!"
Why don't Syrian Refugees play baseball? because they don't know where home is
Whenever i get job applications, the first thing i do is throw half of them in the trash. I don't want to hire any unlucky people
What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply? Pb &amp; J.
They say not to covet which isn't too difficult as a kleptomaniac.
Joke request Tell me your best joke that includes "July" "fourth" and "fire" Let's see what you've got, Reddit!
It's almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex "I have to tell you something" then shut my phone off.
It would be awesome to have friends as committed to keeping in touch as much as bill collectors are.
Captain America: I got the alert, what's the emergency? Avengers: Well, it's snowing, so... CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
What is a East Indian child's favourite game? Hide and go Sikh
What do you call a Cuban Atheist? Infidel Castro.
There's a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children
I've always heard that karma's a bitch... ...not like I'd know. Thanks, Reddit.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to... you know, "happen" to them.
What did the duck say to the hooker? Put it on my bill.
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.
I like that the doctor always asks if I'm a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit. No shit? Thanks. Here's all my money.
Q. What did dela wear?(Delaware) A. Her New Jersey
What is slimy and wobbly tastes of  raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.
Where do twin lesbians party? Klondike Bar
"POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP." Show me a badge. *cop gets badge out* I didn't say Simon Says. "Let's go home guys. Sorry, my fault."
Can I integrate myself with respect to you?
if God exists it's probably a woman no man holds a grudge for this long
I met a girl with 12 nipples today "Woo, sounds fun." Dozen tit!
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
If you steal somebody's rap lyrics, is it a rob-bar-y?
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problems out with a pencil.
What spice can't be in sol food? Ginger.
I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account "Great. What's the name of your former bank?" I said, "Piggy"
Some call me an alcoholic, But I call myself an antisocial drinker
Blind people Gotta hand it to them.
I caught my girl cheating with my best friend on my new leather couch... Of course I yelled at him.. He's not allowed on the couch. (Made this one up this morning.. Still playing with the wording)
7 dwarves were in a room and they started feeling sleepy. So he left.
You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
A cliff in the desert A man told his son to jump off a cliff in the desert. Don't worry, it was Sahara - chasm.
The early bird gets the worm... but the second mouse gets the cheese!
What did the sausage say when it  couldn't log on to the Internet? If at first you don't succeed Fry Fry again
When I was a kid I was afraid of the dentist... Probable because he was a pedophile. Which begs the question of, how many fillings did he give me?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer...
I pan fried chicken tonight. On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Illegal immigrants can never get a cold drink. They don't want to be anywhere near ICE.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, "Period!"
Why the letter "G" is scary????? In one fine evening it can turn your host into . . . GHOST.
I wish my kid had a "BAD MOTHERFUCKER" tattoo so that when asked which one was mine I could say "THE ONE THAT SAYS BAD MOTHERFUCKER ON IT!"
I'll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant's. When I'm in a bad mood, I'll take reservations.
What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping?  Lazy bones.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
what do jeb bush and lance arm strong have in common? everyone was disappointed with their last speeches and no one was disappointed when they dropped out of the race
This just isn't my day... It could be raining t*tties and I'd get hit in the head with a d*ck...
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today... I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, "Use your best judgment," which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.
Do Asian Golf Crowds Ohhhh And Awwwww Better Than American Fans?
If twitter users are sued, lawyers will have to analyse over 4 giggs of data. Imogen that...
a man walked into a bar nd he asked for a drink of whiskey and da barman sed, "do u want whiskey or whisky?" nd da man sed, "i dont hear da diffrence!!!!"
How do you troll an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask which period it's from.
Why are computers in Palestine really fast? Because they've got Ramallah.
What do you call an unpredictable, out-of-control photographer? A loose Canon.
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," said my dad. "Are you kidding? Really?!" I shouted. "Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
Why did God give women yeast infections? That way they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.
When Chris Angle levitated in front of Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris just laughed and flew away.
Who was that on the phone Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down  !
Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. ~ Infinite Jest, by DFW
Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?
What is Donald Trump's favorite flavor of Tic Tac? ..... Tempermint
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to pay a Mexican to do it, two to deport him afterwards.
My ex-girlfriend was a magician... She made all of my money disappear...
How do you call Anakin Skywalker's padawan after getting tased by enemy? A shocked Tano.
What was tina turners pet name for Ike? Beats me
What's the plural of compass? This one's best if you say it out loud. What's the plural of octopus? Octopi. What's the plural of compass? Cumpie.
Why do mice have such small balls? Because very few of them know how to dance.
What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me... That the doctor's fucked up my mouth surgery.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs
Two skunks were being chased by a  bear. As the bear got closer one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we  do?" "Let us spray!" replied the other.
I wish I'd worked to learn another language. Only so I'd be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now? Captain America: Um sure. Spiderman: What should I do? Iron Man: You're in charge of web design.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
What type of music do lightning bolts listen to?  -Rock and Roll
It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
What math classes do gender studies majors take? Triggernometry
Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair? Because if they dragged them by the ankles, they'd fill up with muck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? The last place you left it.
What Did Chris Christie Give Up For Lent? The US Presidential Campaign!
The Mafia hired me to clean recently I was a maid man
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00! *Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Never make plans with an executioner. They always leave you hanging. Or cut your head off or something like that
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant? Big holes all over Australia!
Notice how women didn't complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
*takes selfie, sends to wife* Wife: "No." *takes pants off* *tries on another pair in The Gap change room* *takes selfie, sends to wife*
What do you call Magic Johnson in a wheel-chair? *Roll-AIDS*
What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby? One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish
Why does Santa never visit Jewish families on Christmas? Jew's houses dont have chimneys, they already fell for going into a house with them once! [NSFW]
Hi, I spend 3 minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog, then I go to work and people take me seriously as an adult.
You know times are hard when you call 911 for an ambulance and they tell you to have gas money ready.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
What do you call a couple of asses standing next to eachother in an asparagus field? An ass-pair, I guess?
I found Korn in my poop. I'm glad it was Falling Away from Me instead of Coming Undone.
A gymnast walks into a bar...(X-Post from /r/funny) He gets a two-point deduction and ruins all chances of a medal.
Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream
Can someone please explain this joke? Q. What do you call a bald teddy? A. Fred bear I don't get it.
I saw a Prius crash into a Subaru Outback the other day... There was granola everywhere.
I will not eat a donut. I will not eat a donut. I will not eat... I will not eat a third donut. I will not eat a third donut.
I'm lazy, but not 'The guy who named blackbirds' lazy.
[REQUEST] Ancient Jokes Historians, archeologists and others please to submit jokes/wit/humor from far back, like dark ages and even BCE. the idea is to determine how long can a joke still be funny.
Do you know what the President said to Michelle when he proposed? I don't wanna be Obama self. P.S. I know, it was super cheesy.
Velcro.. ..What a rip off.
What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom? I've been framed.
I like my women like I like my wine 6 years old and stolen from the supermarket ;)
I had a roommate, but he was ran over by a bus... Now I have a flatmate.
Ever heard of the "door knocker"? No? It doesn't ring a bell?
Doctor told my wife and I that our baby has an extra chromosome... What a downer.
actually, all of my sons are named after guns. you got gunden, gunley, bungun, gunch, and this here is gun junior
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it's a baby not a forcefield
So Curtis Jackson has filed for Bankruptcy... at least he still has 50 Cent to his name.
How do you spell elephant ? E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t "That's not how the dictionary spells it" "You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it !"
Can a widow's husband marry her daughter? No,dead people don't marry.
The guy no one likes walked into a bar and said "You lost The Game."
I'm interested in anything with a possible "loss of appetite" side effect.
Do you know why they are called dad jokes? Because of the people that fathered them.
Which word is the longest in the English language? Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I run a rehabilitation program where we get prison inmates to write poetry to help them cope with their emotions. I call it: Prose and Cons
Why did the chicken cross the road? Not sure but I ran over the fucker in my Toyota Yaris.
83 yo man, "You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl". Me: "I'm caucasian". Him, "Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me".
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat? the wheelchair
What is the difference between Father  Christmas and a warm dog ? Father Christmas wears a whole suit a dog just pants!
What do Dicks and School have in common There both long and hard unless you are Asian
Never treat a lady like an object It hates that
wife: "im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it" store owner: "it's okay" me: [lying in a coffin] "the first one was better"
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
I don't think a lion would play golf But a Tiger Wood
Know any good jokes about running? I need a muse for an art project I'm doing. Also who doesn't love terrible jokes/puns. Looking for things like refrigerator/nose running, but other objects.
Thanks to twitter the approval of family and friends has taken a backseat to the approval of strangers on the Internet.
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's fingers.
You're Mama's so dumb... She thought the Gay Pride Parade was in honor of Happy Lions.
At least dogs look at you when you're talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I'd talk to you, but I'm a dog.
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
I'm not staying up all night to get lucky. If it doesn't happen by midnight, I'm going to bed.
What is better than coming second in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. Sorry guys. Poor taste. But it is what it is.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My girlfriend started smoking So I slowed down and applied some lubricant.
How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
What do you get when you cross Adolf Hitler with a tree? A cunttree
If you cum down a girls throat, would it be a download?
Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning.  Wife: When did you first miss it dear?  Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had  stopped.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb? Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....
Tyrone says "come on shaniqua one extra stripe on a zebra wont hurt her" She replies " fucker stop talking about my strech marks"
How does a butcher introduce his wife? Meat Patty
I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee!
Sometimes when I can't sleep I stare into the darkness and think how uncomfortable it must be to have balls between your legs.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? [fixed] You can hang the picture with only one nail.
Son: "Dad! I answered a question today in class that no-one else could answer!" Dad: "That's my boy! What was the question?" Son: "Who's farted"
Why was the sterile Grizzly upset? Because he couldn't Bear children.
Short-sighted sarge: "Attention! You also you little one in the back row with the red cap!" "But sarge that's a hydrant!" Sarge:"Anyway in this place academics have to obey as well."
knock knock Who's there? Sherwood Sherwood who? Sherwood like you to come and ride my cock Taken from Who's Nailin' Palin
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
What does a limp dick and a king cobra have in common? You don't fuck with either of em!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I backed a horse at 10/1 yesterday... It came in at quarter past 4.
Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money? In a shavings account.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase. I don't think hes alright now.
What do you give and take at the same time? a poop
Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? because it really looks like it did.
I just got my White male privilege credit card today I get 33 cents cash back on every dollar i spend.
A Completely Original Joke Oops, I forgot it son-of-a-b***h..!!!
Why is there no Asian Isaac Newton? He sat under the durian tree.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? If they went forward they would fall into the boat.
What do you call a feminist that eats really, really fat cows? A cannibal
It's kind of bullshit that humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.
The slogan for the local sheriff's department: "We aim to police!"
Hate when the cop is like, "Sir, have you been petting kittens?" and I say, "I petted a few..." as I open the car door and kittens spill out
What's Blue, Orange and Lying at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool? What's blue, orange and lying at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with popped floaties.
Why is it so difficult to call Chinese people? There's so many wings it's easy to wing the wong number.
Why did the woman fall into the well? She couldn't see that well.
What do a mystic and a hot dog vendor have in common? They'll both make you one with everything.
"Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby." - Worst cocktail recipe ever
A kiss makes my whole day Anal makes my hole weak.
What do you call a Mustard Competition? A Compe*Dijon*
The even numbers said... The odds are against us.
What is a large group of Sperm Whales called? Semen
Do vegans get paid hourly or celery? That's it. That was the joke. No witty punchline or anything like that. Sorry.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
A Jew found some money He counted it and some was missing
I assume every Chinese tattoo I see stands for "This was a mistake."
Donald J Trump... The sad thing is, if he wins the jokes on us.
If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"
My mailman got a sex change. I guess you'd call him a post man now.
volcano = glory hole for the Gods
Hitting on the nurse If you hit on the nurse that does your colonoscopy, and she says no to anal, you can say "youve been up MY bum!"
Making out with the pharmacist has its percocets...
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore's 150th birthday.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
What's the worst thing about being in an incestuous relationship with your own father? Every time you say to him "I'm horny" he always replies "Hi, horny, I'm dad".
Don't be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you're sleeping.
A man walks into the library... ... And he asks the librarian if they have any books on suicide. The librarian replies "You can sod of, you won't bring it back!"
Irishman Walks Out of A Bar
Funerals are like family reunions minus one
Did you hear the Zodiac is turning himself in? He didn't appreciate the comparisons to Ted Cruz.
What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.
What is Mexico's national sport? Cross Country
What do you call a woman who is paralysed from the waist down? Married.
How do you circumcise a Texan? Kick his sister in the jaw.
right now mitt romney is trying to put an entire loaf of bread in his mouth
Have you heard about the pussy that opens beer bottles? Here's a bottle opener, go get me a beer.
My life could benefit from a little more Stranger Danger and a little less Acquaintance Maintenance.
BEETHOVEN'S CHICKEN Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? A: It kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Did you hear about the Lepers hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who likes to go swimming? Bob.
If Adrian Peterson is banned from the NFL, he can always try baseball. Who doesn't need a switch hitter?!
A man wanted me to engage in necrophilia... NSFW I told him to drop dead
A man walks into a bar The man is Donald Trump. He orders a drink and leaves a few minutes later. The joke is that you thought this one wasn't going to be political
What greek letter is always sad? Psi...
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline
Joke 1 - What weighs 15,000 pounds and wears glass slippers? Cinderellephant
What do you call a comedian who couldn't make it? Pun intended.
I'm a big fan of 50 cent Or as he's known in Zimbabwe, 10 billion dollars
Yo mama is so fat ... she might die from a Cardiovascular Disease
My cousin told me his gun club didn't cost any money. I asked him if it was run by wild chickens. He said, "No, why?" And I said, "Because that would explain why it's a free range."
Apart from the name, what similarities do pencil rubbers and rubber johnnys share? They both erase mistakes.
I miss being a sperm. I wish life was simple again.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.
I have eight words to say to you....
I'm not above apologizing for my drunken behavior I'm just sick of repeating myself
Why did 10 die? He was caught in the middle of 9/11.
Why are people in Athens so fat ? Coz they have lot of greece in their food .
I went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea.
I don't want to sound too impressive, but my Sims character gets laid PRETTY FREQUENTLY.
Him: "I feel-" Me: "I FEEL IT TOO. IT'S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU'RE MY LOBSTER." Him: "-gassy."
What's the difference between a blowjob and pizza? Your mom never gave me pizza.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from Crayola last week? He desecrated the holy crayon.
I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . . . . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
What do you call a ghost without any feet? A lost sole
What's that there? got you
Not proof-reading ruins lives A husband wrote the following to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
Did you hear about the fire at the convent? Nun survived!
Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Boy says this to girl Boy: No word can describe how beautiful you are Girl: Awwwww Boy: But a number can, 2/10
When life gives you melons... ...you probably have dislexia.
Did you hear about the barefoot bridegroom? He got cold feet.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won't hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
A cave man walks into a bar... "Hey, Joe, has any one invented booze yet?"
What does a sandal do on Sunday's? It saves its sole.
Crabs A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
What did Julius Caesar say after taking Cleopatra's virginity? Veni, Vidi... Veni.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, then I didn't show... I hope she gets the message that we aren't working out.
My girlfriend is amazing, she is a Chinese food chef So shes very Lo Mein-tenance
So... Do you like dragons? You do? Good. Cause I am gonna be draggin' my balls across your face. Someone at work told me this and I couldn't stop laughing.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Sumo Barbie ...comes with thong
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it Director: Yes but we're filming the movie now, do you see the difference
'It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike' said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day. 'Why ?' 'I've put a file in your cake.'
[date] Clark Kent: I propose a toast *they take their glasses off the table* Lois Lane: omg it's Supertable!
What do you think of wearing a straight jacket? I think I could pull it off
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting) Leader: Bob, tell us why you're here. Me: $20 it's a Blackjack addiction. Group: *all rushing to place bets*
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out
A cockroach walks into a bar... A cockroach walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
What couldn't the cross-eyed teacher do?.... Control their pupils
What is a YouTube Heroes favorite comment? [removed]
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Friend- "God you eat so much. How do you do it?" Me- "It's easy, I just gain weight."
"You think I'm smart, right?" Not tonight baby, I'm too tired to fight. Annnd that's how the fight started.
What do mathematicians think about exponential functions? They're radical.
How many gays does it take to change a lightbulb? [removed]
A robber went into a music store. Everybody got down.
WIFE: I can't take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart! ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It's always the same angel. It's covered in wings now and wants to die but can't
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he's a great dentist so I let it go.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus
What do you call four white guys in a band? The 4Skins
What do you call an integral that doesn't like derivatives? An anti-derivative.
Dogs can lick their balls and no one bats an eye lid but when I do it you're all like get the hell away from my dog?
Dubai don't like 'The Flintstones'... Abu Dhabi do.
CHEF CLOWN Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown? A: The food tastes funny.
The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam... Aced it!
[god making cheetahs] Let's just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
If your uncle Jack, helped you off a horse, Would you help your uncle jack off a horse?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
Dear Crush, If your "shower brb" was intended to make me imagine you naked.. Mission accomplished!"
Why was the programer killed by a snake? He underestimated the speed of the python.
Where is the best place to eat on a leap day? IHOP
Stepping on a #LEGO sucks. But showing a bunch of kids I know how to use the F word as a noun/verb/adjective in one sentence is good, right?
What is a duck's favorite dance ? The quackstep !
Guys, no one on Twitter cares about what you're doing. They just want to know about how much you hate what you're doing.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
What does Betty White's vagina taste like? Depends.
Everyone is surprised when I tell them I've never seen the movie fight club I don't see what the big deal is. No one really talks about it.
What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate! 
I went to see my drug dealer last week, he had some cheap trainers for sale. They were nice so I thought I'd get myself a pair. I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping for days!!
I've come to the conclusion that these Paul Walker jokes aren't funny... Cause I called his family and told them 5 of my BEST ones. They didn't laugh at ANY of them.
Sorry feminists... Why do doctors slap babies butts when they come out? To knock the balls off the dumb ones.
Waitresses/waiters of reddit... When you got interviewed for the position, did you tell them that you bring a lot to the table?
What did they suicidal news reporter say when they went on air? Lets get right into the noose.
I honestly have no idea how I stopped petting the first dog I ever pet.
Did you hear about that new bald eagle poison? It's illegal if you use it.
Before you judge a person make sure you walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
In school it be like 2+2=4. Homework: 2x8+3=19. Then the test: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the suns mass. Wtf
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.
The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today. I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.
What do you call a boring meme about some internet drama that you don't care about? Dramameme.
Who annoyed Polyphemus even more then Odysseus? Nobody
You hear the one about the sexually adventurous Eskimo? You name it, he was Inuit!
3 biggest women lies :) 1. I will not change after marriage. 2. I forgive you. --- EDIT: 2. It's fine. I forgive you. 3. I am going shopping. I will be back in 30 minutes.
How do you make an Octopus laugh? Give it ten-tickles
Why was the hula hoop a great boxer? It could go round for round.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Why is Monica Lewinsky so poor Because she's always blowing bills
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans. Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
What do you call someone who spends all day masturbating in the restroom? Pissing away your future.
I'd tell you a lame joke about getting slightly wet But I wouldn't want to damn-pun your mood.
Why did Bill Clinton sign the NAFTA agreement? [NSFW] He loves a giant sucking sound.
I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold But then I learned that it's an expression meaning to get back at somebody. Courtesy of Norm MacDonald
My girlfriend is a pornstar She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
What do a daycare and my basement have in common? Both have a bunch of screaming children in them.
I confuse "playing dead" with "playing dumb" so if I ever encounter a bear I'll probably be like "Listen, I don't even know how I got here."
I uploaded a video about viruses on YouTube.. It went viral 8D
My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.
Riddle me this Which does not belong: * Nipple clamps * Soy * Vibrator Answer: The nipple clamps, the other two are meat substitutes.
TIFU side down while on vacation in Australia. Oops - wrong sub...
Do I like money? $
What happened on Reddit yesterday? A pao-erful change
When asked about whether or not Arnold Schwarzenegger upgraded to Windows 10... ...He replied "I still love Vista, baby"
Q: What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? A: Wasabi?
"I" before "E" Except after "old McDonald had a farm."
You have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, so what do you have? Hulk's dick in your mouth.
the scariest thing about teenage girls is all they have to do is laugh near you and they instantly make you feel like total shit
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two pigs playing in the mud
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently more than 5, because my basement is still dark.
Q: What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college? A: Coagulations!
I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby.
Make sure to tip your waitress. It's pretty funny when they fall over.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
I just met an Irishman of Chilean descent. His name was Con Kearney.
#NAME?
How many social justice activists does it take to change a lightbulb? They can't change anything lol
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money
What did the big carburettor say to the  little carburettor? "Don't inhale so fast or you'll choke."
"Let's get down to business!" -Guy who enjoys dancing to the background noises of a local business
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim. Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly! Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Its not pretty being easy.
My friend told me that sperm bank pays you $60 per shot Boy, do I have an expensive sock under my bed!!
7 y/o daughter: Dad, do trees poop? Me: Of course! 7 y/o: Really? Me: Why do you think they call them "Number 2" pencils?
I'm going to need to crash at your place for a few days. My girlfriend caught me measuring my cock the other day. She kicked me out. Apparently it fits right down her moms throat.
I like my women like I like my scotch Aged thirteen years in an oak barrel.
Why was the dolphin sad? Because it didn't know it's porpoise in life. Thank you. Thank you.
A Pokemon Go player walks into a bar... Then into a tree... Then into a car...
What did the dog say to the old tree? #Bark
I like my cream like I like my slaves. Whipped
An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.
What do you call a booth babe at Apple's events? ICandy
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? To prevent Hispanic attacks
The only upside to Trump's big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy's Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
i wear my ninja turtles costume on all of my first dates just to weed out the weirdos.
My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?
The best thing about UDP jokes ...is that I don't care if you get them or not
Q: What was Bob the Builder called after he retired? A: Bob.
What did the hippie say when he was kicked off the couch? Namaste
did you hear about the new fruit powered motor? it runs on apples but it still mangoes
What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress? By opening the door.
the sightings of bigfoot we're actually of yo momma because she's so damn hairy.
Why do girls like to have a dog? Because it suits their personality, a bitch.
What is the best way to fuck a girl with no arms or legs? Throw her in a lake.
I've got the eye of the tiger, the heart of the lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What is Robb Stark's least favorite band? The Fray
I can't believe AntMan and Spider-Man are in civil war. That really bugs me.
How Do We Know That Adam Wasn't Black? Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man?
Yo Mama so fat she gives herself group  hugs!
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i'm marrying your dad
The inventor of puppets must have been really fucking lonely.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One deer turns to the other and say, "man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there!"
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"
What would a character from the Star Wars universe shout before a suicide bombing? ADMIRAL ACKBAR!
What do you do if your in the way of stampeding cows? Take away their credit cards so they can't charge
I went to a wedding today... I went to a wedding today, it went off without a hitch! Poor guy, this is the second girl that left him at the alter.
My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft. I didn't take a fence.
Alan Rickman dies at the age of 69 That sure was a long fall
Did you hear about the boss that slept with his secretary and then fired her? He really gave her the shaft.
Why is poop tapered? So your butt hole doesn't slam shut!
"Oh fuck, of course!" -unicycler seeing a bicycle
Living in Greece.. Living in "Greece " now is like being a Sanitary Napkin. You're in the most beautiful place but in a bad period..!!
"Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take? "Your trip will take 5 hours" "Google, I have a child. "Your trip will take 9 hours".
Got Abs bro? Abs olutely.
Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers.
I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries
How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.
All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
What's the difference between Santa and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney.
Do you like cats? Me too. But I can never finish one by myself
What are the similarities between feminists and hobos? They both ask for change and never get any.
What did the Urologist tell his newly accepted resident? Urine.
Q: What would Lewis Carroll call an abortion? A: A very merry unbirthday.
What did the lesbian pirate say to her peg legged girlfriend? Scissor me timbers
Why don't women drink beer at the beach? Because they'll get sand in their Schlitz.
How do we know cats are communists? All they ever say is Mao.
Pimple Be Like Pimple : Where Are You Going ?? Me : Partying with Friends Pimple : Ok, I'm Also Coming then!!
"IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???" [i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.
What did the woman say while she was having a baby? "This could use some salt."
My parents didn't love me as a kid My bath toys were a toaster and a hair dryer
I hear Paris is the bomb this time of year People are just dying to be there
I'm having trouble finding a route to my rich aunt's funeral, Oh well, where there's a will... there's a way
*throws keys at nearest sober person* DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
You really shouldn't make fun of a fat girl with a lisp. I'm sure she's thick and tired of it.
Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side? ah wait, i can't remember the rest :/
If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.
Why is the Math Book so sad? It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.
O. J. Simpson When O. J. Simpson's kids wanted to go out and play, what did he tell them? "Go axe your mother."
Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.
What's the difference between a horse dick and a joke? You can't take a joke.
What do you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing, he's been told twice already. (And be cool, if you get the reference keep quiet and let em wonder.)
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself? Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it? The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I'm just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.
Saw a Mexican lady driving around with a "Jesus" bumper sticker. Can't tell if she loves Jesus or is really supportive of her husband.
I'll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they've been following the wrong "mom butt" at the grocery store.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macrame plant hanger.
How was Jackie Gleason put into his casket? Crammed in.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Adair ! Adair who ? Adair once but I'm bald now !
When I was a kid we didn't add flavor to our medicine and it tasted like shit but we liked it because we liked being not dead.
I remember when I was gay It was a real pain in the ass.
I stole Stephen Hawking's wheelchair today I thought it was hilarious, he had nothing to say on the matter.
How does a mermaid give a man head? She blows him out of the water
Of course Jesus saves. He's Jewish.
I thought about doing stand up comedy, then I sat back down again.
It always amuses me when I see tweets from people clearly using words they don't understand, thus making themselves look aerodynamic.
Boss: HR wants to see you Me: What for? Boss: Mandatory drug test Me: Oh man, I really can't do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My Pops told me that you can't go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack: Sad :| Happy :| Scared :| Excited :| Surprised :| Giving birth ;|
If by "social butterfly" you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Did you hear about the gay guy who quit? He couldn't take it in the end.
How did I clear papers of Islamic Studies? Have faith, don't question.
How do you annoy people on Reddit? [removed]
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My girlfriend is like a motorcycle I dont have a motorcycle
What would the blind man say every morning when he walked past the fish market? "Good morning, ladies!"
Black History Month should be called "Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman's Voiceover Work"
Car joke Spell shop..... what do cars do at green lights?
Cologne - because people shouldn't have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging Ever since then, my muggings have been a lot more successful!
Can't whistle? That's okay! We prefer hummers anyway!
Did y'all hear about the kid born without eye lids Whenever they circumcised him they used the skin to make him eye lids. He's doing well but they say he's a lil cock eyed now
I have nice cans and beautiful ass, yet nobody likes me.. apparently you should also belong to the right gender.
I want so badly for crayons to taste like their color.
Cowboy . . . and no vet How did the cowboy know his pony was getting sick? He was a little hoarse.
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.
I run a suicide hotline. A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor. He must've confused me with the *anti*-suicide hotline.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets... then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.
Cop : "Lets Do a drug test" Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
What is Jose Cuervo's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird.
So they have warning signs for drivers to look out for pedestrians on their cell phone now. Put up warning signs for pedestrians that the driver might be looking at their cellphone. Problem solved
NSFW - If you need to voice search the web for new directions don't say it too fast
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay strip club Knock! Knock! *who's there?* The chicken.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it's still right here.
Why was Skippy falsely imprisoned? Because it was a kangaroo court.
Poor Will... Everyone's always firing at him. A joke my grandad would use on occasion.
Why did the identical twins survive the plane crash? Because twins being destroyed by planes is too cliche, I guess.
How many dead babies can you fit in a phone booth? 78.5
What are people afraid of puns called? Homophonic I'm sorry...
Why do milking stools only have three legs? 'Cause the cow has the udder
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish
I used to feel like boy trapped in a woman's body But then I was born
Why doesn't a duck wear underwear? Because their pecker's on their face.
What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
you think YOU'RE tired. I'm even MORE tired for the reasons I'm about to list. This is a competition for some reason.
I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer....... but I just thought that must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me!!!" "I'm so sorry."
Rhetorical questions confuse me If someone asks you something, you're supposed to answer them, right?
I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.
Relationships these days are like Birthdays....Once the Cake is Eaten, the Party's Over...!!!
I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what's on my mind. For heaven's sake, I don't know what's on my mind.
How do you get a Baby to Stop crying? You Beat it with a brick
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces. My next shit could spell disaster.
Why is Robert Pattison so pale? There's no sunlight in the closet.
What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave doesn't brown your meat
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don't know what I'm gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It's a mystery
imagine your whole skeleton slid out your butt. thats your future according to these tarot cards
I want to steal someone's phone who has 8000 followers and retweet the fuck out of myself
What car do polite cowboys drive? Audi!
Why are people comparing Trump to Reagen? Reagan's biggest accomplishment was tearing down a wall not putting one up.
Ebay is challenging to use . . . (x-post from F7U14) I searched for lighters, and I got 72,816 matches!
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor
'...um....' - the first cow ever milked
My uncle once ejaculated on me Glad I got that off my chest
Q: What do you call a judge with no thumbs? A: Justice Fingers.
There was a body of a man found in a manhole in New York. Authorities determined his death was a sewercide.
One great perk about working at a funeral home... I always get to bring flowers home to my wife! (Yes, I actually work at a mortuary. No, I don't do this)
I heard they were putting Rosa Parks on the new $20 bill The $20 bill will be worth $15
Husband: I'll unload the dishwasher for you, honey. Me: No rush. 3 days later.......regrets saying no rush.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? Three, or four?
My grandfather died in Auswitch... He fell out of the guardtower
Eating Your Homework Mom: Billy, why are you eating your homework? Billy: The teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I wonder if this conversation ever took place.. - Jesus, what is that over there? - Don't hang me up on it, but I think it's a cross.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
In the 1970s, a team of racist office supply scientists invented the whiteboard with an evil plan to replace every blackboard in the world.
Why is a bear brown? Because he crawls in his hole during winter.
What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey when you carve it with a chain saw!
I ordered a red ottoman online yesterday and now all my self-aware sidebar ads are a never-ending David Lynch fever dream of red ottomans.
OH: If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room where it's located.
i wish my grandmother was alive to see the iPad air her mind would have been absolutely BLOWN AWAY. she loved her gen 4 iPad.
If you smoke weed and masturbate... ... is it called weed whacking?
"Did you get a haircut?" "No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible..."
What do you say to a bunch of worried Trump supporters? "Don't worry, everything is going to be alt-right."
What do you call a plane with no wings? Fly Curious.
Marriage is like Thanksgiving dinner You can make it last, but it gets a little worse every day.
What should you do when people talk behind your back? Fart
What 8-letter word has one letter in it? Envelope.
I made a belt, entirely composed of watches It was a waist of time
When is the only time a white NFL wide receiver is a good thing? When your sister tells you she's dating an NFL wide receiver.
Girl: Got this dress 20% off. Me:Come over to my house and get it 100% off.
If your product's third layer is for absorbency, I don't want to see the commercial at dinnertime.
I hate to say "I told you so", so Im going to sing it.
A girl called me yesterday and said "Come over there's no one home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Why does Mr Tayto carry a phone in his top pocket? In case Johnny Onion Rings!
It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.
Rhodes Scholars are book smart... but road scholars are street smart.
We call her Skippy... because she's so easy to spread.
BREAKING NEWS: NASA announces Mars Rover discovered new feline-like life form on the Red Planet Unfortunately, it ran over the newly discovered creature. Yes, it seems Curiosity killed the cat.
I am starting a sanctuary for oversized marine mammals. It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees.
Whats an African dad joke? Hi starving! I'm dad!
If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
What limitations does braille have? Can it represent everything that we read using the alphabet? Very limited fonts.
Your eyes are like stars. Not because they are bright and beautiful. But because they are so far apart.
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? "Together, we can stop this shit."
Reddit, here's a tasteless joke I recently heard from a bum who goes by the name, "Joke Man" What do you call two gay guys named Bob? Oral Roberts!
Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.
The UN general assembly.
Why did Hitler invade Hungary? Because he can't resist a HungAryan :)
What joke would piss off any redditor? Update 1: Punchline removed.
My boobs float because they're above C level.
What's worse than putting the punchline in the title?
What is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds.
What did the pastor say when his blanket rose up from his bed? "Holy Sheet!"
I like my women like I like my coffee with my dick in them.
A girl approaches a guy... Girl: Do you drink? Guy: No. Girl: Do you do drugs? Guy: No. Girl: Do you watch porn? Guy: No. Girl: Then how do you have fun? Guy: I lie to people.
I used to have Multiple Personality Disorder... But now we don't!
Shout out to my arms They're always by my side
It's cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won't eat them as soon as I get to my car.
Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and you'll understand why foreplay is so important.
Why do Mexicans re-fry beans? Ever seen a spic do something right the first time?
What do you get when you burn a Hungarian ghost? Ghoul-ash!
I'm off to the store got your wallet? yes you sure? YES *hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I put on Shrek and fell asleep. I woke up and it was over. I ogre slept.
"Don't tell anyone" = "Tell 10 people you trust" right?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[Computer has become self-aware] Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY Scientist 2: No, worse
Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? They worked inter-mitten-ly
What is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the Battered Women's Shelter? The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
How do they count the Mexican immigrants? They start with Juan
What do people in Colorado eat on 3/14/15? Pot pie.
if you're happy and you know it... then the chemtrails are working Edit: credit to Welcome to Nightvale
Yo gurl is your dad in prison? 'cause if I was your dad I'd be in prison.
this guy was telling my friend from puerto rico trump was gonna deport him and send him back to mexico I never laughed my ass off so hard.
6:There's a monster under my bed Me:That's silly! There's no such thi..OH GOD IT'S EATING MY ARM 6:SCREAMS ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Two mods and TheG18 walk into a bar... [dongered]
I phoned the local gym... and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
dirty minds Hey sexy shut the door, drop your pants, climb on top of me, and satisfy your needs. love always your Toilet.
What is the Puerto Rican national anthem? Partly in the USA
Joke :Doctor patient joke Patient: What is the cost of plastic surgery? Doctor: It is near about 10,000$. Patient: Well, what if we arrange the plastic?
Do buses and trains run on time? Usually yes.  No they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the  tracks.
What's an electrical engineers favorite flavor of ice cream? Shocklate.
I recently won the local innuendo competition after coming from behind.
What's the difference between a light bulb and my pregnant girlfriend? I can unscrew a lightbulb.
What does a nosy pepper do? It gets jalapeno business.
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was  not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"
What do you use to find Greek restaurants? A gyroscope.
My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she's my first.
What do you call two brown people in a sleeping bag? Twix.
Wind turbines. I'm a big fan.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Did you hear about the guy that threw away a duck? He got down in the dumps.
What did Obama say when he proposed to Michelle? "I don't wanna be o-ba-ma self." _________ (Not original)
Ever have sex while camping? It's fucking intents
Letter to Santa... Little boy: Santa please send me a little brother!... Santa: send me your mother!!!
What can a yakuza do for living when he doesn't want to hurt people? tattoo master
Grow it out for the summer Nice one liner I thought of today- What do you think? Should I grow my wrists out for the summer? Or cut them now?
If I died suddenly, I wonder if anyone would take my previously unreleased tweets & remix them with Akon or whatever.
When it comes to girls with low self-esteem... guys always go for the low hanging fruit because they are easy pickings.
they used to allow cell phones on airplames but the pasengers kept textimg the pilots to do loop-de-loops & barrel rols. it was too rad
Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half
The Beatles and Pink Floyd collaborated on an Anti-Semitic song. It was called "Hey Jew" .
Him: Your beautiful.... Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
How do you kill a walrus? Tell him there's something on its chest
Some people thought the plus-size iPhone would be a failure... but I knew eventually it would be a huge 6s
What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a  school ? The deputy head !
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck ? A duck filled fatty puss !
A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks "Do you have a criminal record?" The man looks confused and replies "No, do I still need one?"
5yo's pretending she's a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the "toilet's too cold."
One sperm said to the other sperm "I'll race you to the egg!" The other sperm said "OK, but pace yourself, we just passed the throat!"
Just got my first pair of bifocals (nsfw) and boy do they make my cock look huge
My parenting book would be just a series of "Shhh" with different lengths and punctuation for various occasions.
Food wedding anniversaries: Year 1: champagne 2: strawberries 3: chocolate 4: donuts 5: protein shakes 6: microwave meal 7: Rat poison
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house? They have to use their Endor voices.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
9/11 was terrible, just imagine what the people on that plane were going through... other than a building
Where is the best place to buy computer software? Washington C.D
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home? Me: I don't even think about work at work.
So I discovered that one of my herbs went off today. It was just a matter of thyme. xxx
Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting? Here, take this gasoline and matches.
A guy is walking with a young boy into the woods... Boy "hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared" Man "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone"
brb, taking out the trash so I took out 9gag
If life was a video game it would be created by EA Because you have to pay real money inside the game.
At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, "Look who's finally up. We thought you were dead!"
Donald Trump is Mac user He's definitely not PC
What is Adam's brother called? Subtractem
What's a narcissist's favorite color? Reflection
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac? Some one who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped? Demeter wasn't working.
John Fogerty's "Centerfield" makes no sense. I'm pretty sure he'd fly first-class.
Why did the cow cross the road To get to the udder side
Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
What is Ke$ha's computer password? Pa$$word
How do you make two Oboists play in tune with one another? Shoot one of them.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I'm 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*detective bangs on table* I SAID GIVE ME A NAME! "Uh, Aaron?" Aaron... I like it! *'Aaron' leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I've seen him do some questionable shit. Don't ask.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband's face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, "um, these aren't mine."
There is no "I" in "team." But there's an "I" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So there.
LOL What is Charlie Sheens middle name? Washingma Charlie Washingma Sheen
ME: Sorry I'm late, I had computer problems. BOSS: Hard drive? ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
Remember, guys, every day is a gift. Filled with unreturnable things you didn't ask for and don't want.
What's the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes? You can't mash Frankenstein.
I hired an old German plumber when remodeling my apartment He was a great guy, very reliable and thorough. But it seems old habits die hard. He connected gas main to my shower.
The best part of dating a homeless girl is You can drop her off anywhere.
What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put "who rescued who?" stickers on your car... you drive me crazy! Clearly it's "who rescued whom?"
What do you say upon hearing a bad Halloween joke? Booooooo, Booooooo
A Chicken coop has two doors, what would it be called if it had four? A Chicken Sedan
What does Optimus Prime say on 4-20? Autobots, roll up!
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La. Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
What did Pongo say to Goofy at the Annual Disney Dog Conference? I've got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one.
Why is santa always so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live
I told my Dad I was voting for Bernie Sanders... He responded, "So you want to see America be destroyed?" I said, "No, I want to watch it Bern."
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
myself. Sometimes I get ahead of
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.
What's the difference between a four-year-old and a bag of cocaine? There's no way Eric Clapton would let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window!
What's ISIS's favourite band? Koran Koran.
Women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home.
What does glass taste like? Blood.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can't sit through my daughter's violin recital without a desire to die.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed* "OMG..we've been burgled" *I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear* HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
An eskimo on holiday in Wales... His car breaks down. A Welshman looks under the bonnet and says, "you've blown a seal" Eskimo says "so what, you fuck sheep"
Why were the Native Americans here first... ...because they had reservations.
Why are Jedi terrible at Rugby? Because "There is no Try."
I went on a pretty crazy camping trip last weekend. It was in tents.
I sleep with my glasses on so I can dream up smart shit.
Why did Reddit have a rapid implosion/explosion this afternoon? I heard it had something to do with supermassive bodies.
That whole Ray Rice elevator incident... took him to the lowest level.
What do you call a bunch of potheads working together? A joint effort!
Jared should be okay in prison He is used to 6 inches.
The ONE time I actually want to say "duck", damn you autocorrect! "Sorry again! I'd love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond"
How did the blonde chip her teeth? using a vibrator
I deal with my personal problems the same way i study for tests, I don't I deal with my personal problems the same way i study for tests, I don't
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. . . . . .and orders a beer. When he finishes is, the barkeep asks "Have another?" Descartes replies "I think not." . . .and POOF. He vanishes.
What does a Victoria's Secret Black Friday sale have in common with a girl about to get a spanking? Both have panties half-off.
Fishermen are reel men.
Have you seen the new documentary about white trash? I've only seen the trailer.
Bad puns run in the family... I guess they're he**reddit**ary
Why does nobody like Tigger? Because he plays with Pooh.
*builds time machine* *goes back in time 183 days* *earth is on the other side of the sun* *dies in space*
An original joke. Sorry, wrong subreddit.
It's a shame push-up bras don't work on IQs.
My friend got sent to prison for pulling out 3 people from a burning building Unfortunately, it turned out they were firefighters
Oh, you dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Cool. I'll have a number 1 and hold the lettuce please.
How is a coke whore like a comet? They're both dirty snowballs.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why do women have sex? Because they have to.
Today I woke up to a surprise bj for the first time Probably should sleep with my mouth closed from now on
I lost my kid at the zoo the other day.... I couldn't find him, so they just shot all the animals.
Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub (2) I'm banned from Subway
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back!
Why did the pervert cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
What is the monkey that can't peel the banana? Terrible at CC
What do books wear on a rainy day? Rain Quotes
I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers... but I Kant.
Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a tall building and fell through a manhole? He commited sewercide
What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist.
What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? Benjamin Frankenstein
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws DRAGON: go AWAY dammit ME: can u just put me in ur mouth plsI wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Why do you never play hide &amp; seek with mountains? Mountains peak.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished
Brain problem On the left side, there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
A Jewish lawyer lost his job He celebrated the occasion with a disbar-mitzvah
I'm undecided about masturbation. On one hand it feels great -Bo Burnham
What's the worst part of going to a southern family reunion? Seeing your ex.
Why are all these Juice fad diets so popular? Because Juice control the media
What do you call a corny joke? A maize zing!!!
What did the terrorist say to the racist and the socialist? "We are the 2016 presidential candidate frontrunners." This is a joke  take it that way
Anyone know any good HP Lovecraft jokes? I only know a few Old Ones.
This holiday season, get your girl a Jared Diamond ...but get her Collapse--she's probably already read Guns, Germs, and Steel.
I'm in a Josef Fritzl tribute band... You probably haven't heard of us, we're pretty underground.
I found an ant in the men's restroom. Why an Aunt? I can understand why an Uncle would be in there.
Did you hear the one about the gay man with a 30 inch scrotum? I would make a joke, but that's some low hanging fruit.
Doctor Doctor I feel like a  spoon! Well sit still and don't stir!
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned becausehe couldn't concentrate.
TIL The New Jersey Devils have never changed their logo or uniform design/colours. No new New Jersey jersey.
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers But the cashier keeps putting it back.
What's the difference between aged cheddar and regular cheddar? The aged cheddar isn't as sharp as it once was.
As a child Moses auditioned for his school play but he didn't get the part. Ironic.
Geneticists and Teenage Boys are the same... They both want to unzip your genes.
I like dating black girls Because I don't have to meet their dads
Wanna hear a joke about ebola? Nevermind, you won't get it.
What do you call someone who molests puppies and kittens? A Petophile
It's a shame that most things aren't pies. More things should be pies.
Did you hear about the paperboy who used to masturbate on the job? No? Really? Weird, it was all over the news.
I have the cutest bird in the world... ...a Jackd'awww.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I'm pretty sure my electrician supports LGBT rights. Just the other day I heard him talking about his transister.
What do you call an Penguin with dandruff? Frosted Flakes
Have you heard the one about the broken pencil? Never mind, it's pointless.
A lot of women are turning into good drivers. So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? ....Dr Dre.
My hard driving, asshole boss just quit the company, he announced he's moving to Taiwan! apparently he has a Taipei personality ... Sorry for the Taipo - /u/damn_wiston
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
Heard about the public speaker with the rodent up his butt? He had to cancel a speech because he was gerbily constipated.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I'd totally be expecting some change back.
Q: When is a school paper not a school paper? A: When it's turned into the teacher.
What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ? Namaste
Why couldn't the NSA go outside? They were Snowden.
Anyone know if Flava Flav survived the weekend's Daylight Savings switchover?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don't trust his advice.
Dr: do you have kids? me: yes I have 3 kids Dr: do you drink? me: yes I have 3 kids
*Mom makes me take out the garbage* *Garbage and I begin to date* *I start taking things too fast* *Garbage dumps me*
Solipsism Everything I know about solipsism without looking it up is all there is to know about solipsism.
What do you call two gay chickpeas? Hummusexuals.
What does Tarzan sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells
What do you call a famous Internet pirate? Blackneckbeard.
A classic from my grandfather. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. Unique up on it.
*pulls up to a red light with my windows down blasting NPR*
What are two reasons it's so hard to solve a redneck murder? 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.
You know you're an optimist... ...when your blood type is B+
Have you guys ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they
My friend works at subway... I guess you could say she'll really be rolling in the DOUGH.
The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don't remember who you are.
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in  liquidation.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST
My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman Which finally gave us something in common.
I didn't choose the pervert life,the pervert life chose me.
how do you catch a unique cat? unique up on it. (im sorry)
whats the worst part about cooking vegetables? putting the wheelchair into the oven.
What did JFK say after banging Marilyn Monroe? "Some men have greatness thrust upon them, some men thrust upon greatness."
My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!
When I grow up I want to be a fire truck... I want to be big, red and have 8 men in me at once
What kind of bike does hipster Jesus ride? A Cruci-fixie.
A model asked a painter girl "Why do you always paint me in black and white" "There is no u in color" She said
Why would Helen Keller be a horrible driver? Because she's dead.
They're like plastic slippers Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a dude. It feels great... until you look down and realize your a fag. That is all - Carry on :)
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Before you go to sleep tonight, don't forget to sprinkle gluten around your bed to keep away the hipsters.
I don't like Russian dolls... They're so full of themselves
So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he's alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad
We are happily married She's happy, and I am married!
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Him? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
What professional hates going to the bar? A lawyer
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today..... That bitch was seeing somebody else.
If Mcdonald's served hotdogs You could ask them to upsize your McWiener
Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?" Student: "A heart attack."
What type of porn do Canadians watch? Fifty shades of eyy
So, I hear Islam is the religion of peace. Piece of you here, piece of you there.
What do you get when you chop up a fruit and mix it with vegetables? I don't know but it was hard as hell stealing thier wheelchairs with pieces of Richard Simmons tripping me up.
I saw a pickup truck that said "Silly boys trucks are for girls". they have managed to put a kitchen in a truck. Technology is amazing.
Hillary Clinton and Nickelback are on a boat and it capsizes, who survives? America
At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced. A bit young to get married if you ask me.
What do you call a crazy chicken ? A cuckoo cluck !
Yo mama is so fat...that when she wore a blue  and green sweatereveryone thought she was Planet Earth
What is brown and sticky? ..........A Stick
Someone just asked me if I was 'happily' married. Single people are adorable.
What do you say When you see your tv floating in midair? Drop it nigga!
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town.
I tired to kill myself today... But, it was all in vein.
I was watching a film with my little lad earlier.. He said, "Dad I'm scared, is that woman going to die?". I said "Judging on the size of that horses cock, then yes son, I'm afraid so".
*pulls up to window* Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I'll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo hoo? It's just a joke -- you don't have to cry about it.
Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer? The grass tickles their balls.
How do you starve a black guy? Put his food stamps under his work boots.
Why does Donald Trump hate Casper the ghost? Because he can go through walls.
Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop someone asked  "Where did you get that?" The pig replied "I won her in a raffle!"
Why do Russians celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January? Cause eight reindeer and a sleigh are a lot quicker than 6 pigs and a stoneboat.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Wrestling Is Stupid! Bro, Wrestling is stupid. Why bro? Men with no pants fighting for a belt.. WTF?
What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party? He got the cold shoulder.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Guy- What's your sign? Me- Stop
So many Irish twins being born these days the numbers just keep Dublin up.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST CHICKENS?!?! One got choked last night thanks to you! ; )
What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer? A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.
NSFW - Getting a kiss might make your day, ... Getting a kiss might make your day, but getting anal will make your hole weak. Read this in a porta-poty at Roskilda music festival last week.
ISLAM is religion of peace?? a piece of you here, a piece of you there, just a lot of pieces of your body flying
Why are there no knock-knock jokes about freedom? because freedom rings. Happy Independence day everybody!
My girlfriend called me a pedophile... And I said "that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old."
How did Mace die in Star Wars? Through the Windu
I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter.
My friend offered to let me rent 2 of his ermines. He is now the lessor of two weasels.
A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!" "That's right" replies the German teacher.
Wanna hear a minimalist joke? What's the difference between oranges?
"daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa" *checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
He told me he wants my heart "Sharon I'm pretty sure he's a serial killer" No way! *later on with guy* Wow you're really into bondage huh?
Trump and Hillary fall into an ocean. Who will be saved? America.
[NSFW] What do you call 2 black guys raping a white girl? A giant Oreo.
Why did they have to stop playing water-polo in Poland? All the horses drowned
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t ~ just dotting some i's and crossing some t's.
I love watching the wife sleep. Not so much the husband.
An astronaut was ejected from the ISS naked. It's OK, though. He felt no pressure.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower??
Making a business call while sexting is surprisingly difficult. Mmm yes, baby, suck my purchase order.
My new year's resolution is... ...running at 1680 x 1050
"Why can't a Christmas tree walk? "Because it **doesn't have legs**." "Ugh, that's so **lame**."
What's a metaphor? Winning the game tournament!
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say upon being asked to star in a Broadway production about the world's greatest composers? I'll be Bach. Sorry.
What does a rapper use to write their songs? Word,yo.
What happens to a gay man every month? Manstruation
A gynecologist examines a lesbian... and remarked "Madam that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen" She replied "Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week !"
What do you call a chef who likes his work a bit too much... A Pan-sexual
"Hey little pirate, where are your buccaneers?" "Underneath my buckin hat!"
Everybody has been reading about the fight today Except Floyd Mayweather.
Sean Connery and fat girl with a lisp meet in a bar
My girlfriend doesn't believe in sex before marriage. So I showed .... My girlfriend doesn't believe in sex before marriage. So I showed her some of my old home movies to prove it was real.
How do terrorists like their apple pie? Allah mode.
What do you call pickled bread? Dill-dough
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it's from.
The pope secretly came to my house. He thought it was weird that I had so many Blu-rays still in the shrink wrap. I'll get around to them!
What do cannibals on a budget eat? Ramen. (Sound it out.)
"Yes! I've finally gone from an L to an XL!" Said the Roman
What do you find in an elephants graveyard ? Elephantoms !
Two sperm are busily swimming along when 1 sperm asks "Hey look..is the that the Fallopian tube?" "Fallopian tube" the second sperm laughs out, "we're not even through the esophagus yet!"
Why did Ken and Barbie never have any kids? Ken always came in a different box.
Got in trouble with the wife at dinner time last night. Apparently when she asked me to turn on the veg, fingering her disabled sister isn't what she meant.
I'm in a band called called Dyslexia We've just released our greatest shit album
The less you know, the more you think you do.
What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans? "That's grounds for divorce!"
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!
(NSFW) What did Isaac Newton's penis say to him when he first saw a girl's boobs ? Fuck your Gravity law man, I'm goin' up.
Someone talking about something passionately automatically makes them 10 times cuter, unless it's Hitler... Then it's only nein times cuter
The past, the present & the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
The biggest thing I've learned at art school is the art of disappointing my father.
What does a ghost say after a bad joke? Booo Hahahaha *I'm so lonely*
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second but instead I'm going to run over it 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.
What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires? You would get severe frostbite.
What do boobs and margaritas have in common? One is not enough and three is to many
My grades are getting better Sike, that's the wrong subreddit
I was reading in the paper today... about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And rape. Also, the dark. And being buried alive. Mondays. Most people, too. (and insects)
This year for Christmas you are getting jeans with the pockets cut out. So you can have clothes and something to play with.
What's a Buddhist's favorite physics law? Om's Law.
All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
I asked my wife to tell me something that made me happy and sad at the same time... She said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.".
Wow! last night was crazy. I killed 15 zombies just in the first hour alone. Anyone know why they were all carrying sweets?
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it So we went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7? An on-call-ogist
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
A bear walked in the forest Suddenly he saw a burning car. The bear sat in the car. And burned.
Lets just take a minute to appreciate Pringles for never lying to us about the amount of chips we're getting when we open the can
Why is there no gambling in Africa? Too many Cheetahs.
They say you are what you eat... I guess that makes me human
I'm gaining weight because it's hard to carry around this much "awesome" in a standard-sized body.
Why couldn't the two melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair!
Why is there no gambling in Africa? Too many Cheetahs!
What do you call an obese terrorist? Osama Bin Eating
The past, present and future walk into a bar.. It was tense.
A few pen jokes What's Lance Armstrong's favorite pen brand? Uniball. What's a Muslim's favorite pen? Arab Bic. What's a deaf-mute's favorite pen? Pentel.
Blind people can drive... Just mostly into things.
If I was gonna kill myself, I'd fly a helicopter into the sun. It'd be badass. Babes would weep for the carnal possibilities they missed.
why don't vampires go to frat parties? they're afraid of natural light
I'm an oceanographer working at the Mariana trench. I love my job but its starting to effect my sex life. I'm under a lot of pressure at work.
What's the right age to tell an adopted child it's a highway?
Why did the dog say he was an actor? His leg was in a cast.
What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire
New headphones model about to hit stores. Its called beats by Chris Brown.
Wrong number Some guy keeps texting "stand and deliver" to me. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant
When you refuse to pay your exorcist: ...you get repossessed.
Taylor Swift's next album is going to be another break-up album. It will be about her split with Spotify.
Jesus take the wheel Carlos take the stereo, Manuel be on the lookout...
What, like you never stole 2000 loaves of bread on a dare? Shit happens. Look, Grandma, can you bail me out or not?
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider What a web of lies!
Singing "cha cha cha" during the pauses in 'Happy Birthday' is one of the most fun ways to momentarily forget we're all dying.
I saw a woman in a restaurant yesterday wearing a t-shirt that read "Guess?" So I said, 38D?
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
It's not as exciting when you realize his name is actually Harold Potter
*man lies on death bed* But it can't be my time. I have...so much more...constructive criticism to give...
Why doesn't Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't like to be spotted
Bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers." A time traveler walks into a bar...
Grim Reaper: I'm here for the sole! Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I... can I say bye to my family? Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
The first caterpillar to turn into a butterfly must of been like YOOOOOOOOO
What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit? The first herd shot round the world!
Where does Santa's stripper mom work? The North Pole
Why do nuns hate laundry day? They always fall back on old habits.
dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more
Still hope to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.
[at goverment office] hi yes um.. my social security number isnt workimg. i've never once felt secure in a social situation
Why can't java programmers see well? Because of the eclipse.
What can a mathematician and a pedophile agree upon? 11 is a prime number.
Why Does Jesus suck at hockey? He's always getting nailed to the boards.
Yo momma's so fat... She was crowned dairy Queen of the food court.
On the bright side... We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Whale.... Whale who? Whale that's enough of that joke
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I'm not sure... but the flag's a big plus.
What Did The Dying Gambler Say To His Wife? "10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank"
Everyone told me to follow the dreams So, I went back to bed
My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."
How do you know you're not a racist? Only if you have four black tires and a color TV
Why arent there any Socialist entrepreneurs? Seriously I dont know.....
I can hear two bug swatters having a huge argument nearby. I'd give anything to not be a fly on the wall.
What's black and white and red all over? A bleeding nun.
The new stars wars episode has been named Episode seven: return of the lens flair
You can say what you like about deaf people. As long as you are not directly facing them.
My girlfriend's been trying to help me with my finances. I think I'd be better off a loan.
I had to perform CPR on my girlfriend during sex last night. When she's half-inflated it's just not the same.
I stop drinking !!!!!!!!!!!!! .......but only when I sleep.
He who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth, may not come forth on the fifth!
Trump &amp; Hillary are on a boat. The boat sinks, who survives? The United States.
A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items, the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.
Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny. They're lame.
2 Muffins are sitting in the oven... Muffin 1: "it's really hot in here" Muffin 2: "holy shit! A talking Muffin!"
So I finally got a housekeeper, it's my ex-wife. She kept the house.
What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? A pick-pocket snatches watches.
step 1. log onto instagram step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. "SmithWedding2014" step 3. use hashtag step 4. post pictures of yaks
"Daddy?" "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."
I found ISIS's website... It's the bomb dot com!
What do you call two roosters having a fight? A Cock-a-Doodle-Duel!
I was talking with a friend about my car... I told him about how, now that I have a kid, the car isn't very practical. He offered me 3,000 dollars for it. Sucker, he's gonna hate being a dad.
You know you have no attention span when you require a mental break while typing 140 characters.
I tripped over some shrooms the other day...Because I didn't see them. It was dark and I was high.
Sarcasm is like hitting someone in the face with a bat, but with words.
One Mississippi... two Mississippi... just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My toddler is learning to speak so I'm trying to teach him some phrases for social success. Things like "true dat" and "pass the gravy."
Facebook has a link to "Report a Problem" so I wrote "I'm not very close with my father." Now we wait I guess
*sneaks into sons room to scare him* *trips over skateboard* *steps on something squishy* *turns light on* *makes him clean his room*
Why did the zoo close the big cat exhibit? Because they just kept lion around!
What do you call 2 gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
How my 7 year old plays board games: Rolls a 6. Counts to 6. Moves his piece wherever he wants.
What do you call imitation Vietnamese noodle soup? Faux.
Turkey Me: you're a turkey GF: well, I do like being stuffed
*Pulls out pin* *Throws fire extinguisher*
Two muffins are sitting in an oven one muffin looks at the other and says "Man its hot in here" the other muffin looks back ans says "Holy Shit a talking Muffin"
If bullshit was a snowflake... I'd be in a fuckin blizzard right now
If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.
How does Hillary Clinton clean her glasses? By deleting the mainframe.
Maybe Offensive to jews. You have been warned.(NSFW?) Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew? One doesnt scream in the oven.
Have you seen the current remake of the movie  "Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge  against a lawyer. The question is while watching the movie whom do you root for?
I'm in a long-distance relationship My girlfriend lives in the future.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Is it bad to hate a certain race? Because I despise the 100 meter
When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand.
Did you hear the joke about your mother's cooking? It's in bad taste.
I'm a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
WHAT DO WE WANT? no more interruptions! WHEN D now!
what's called smart annoying orange a knowing orange
What's blue, white and if it falls out of a tree will kill you? A fridge in a denim jacket.
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ? Santapplause !
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb 2, but don't ask me how they got in there.
What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend? ..accommodating.
Pink Floyd is opening a gay bathhouse that focuses on glory holes They're gonna call it "Another Prick in the Wall."
What do we want? MORE EXISTENTIALIST JOKES! When do we want them? WHY?
Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.
Africa The US sent a humanitarian shipment of medicine to Africa, but it is was returned after a few weeks, because the label said "take after a meal". Sorry.
What did the Jewish father say when his daughter asked for fifty bucks? What are you going to spend forty dollars on, I mean really why do you need thirty dollars?
How do you view lesbian relationships? 1080p
What do Jewish pitbulls say to each other when they get home? Muzzles off!
Whats the worst thing about a Thai Masseuse Bride? They walk all over you.
What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage? The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels.
What do you call it when a cow goes on holiday? A vaccation
How long does it take King Zora to move out of your way? A week, a week, a week, a week, a week, a week.
"Dont put all your eggs in one basket," is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
When I enter a bathroom stall, I close the door, sigh with relief, and loudly say, "This is it. This is where I'll start my new life"
I've never been good with 'pick-up' lines I once said to this girl, "Hey, you get fries with that shake?" It turns out she had Parkinson's.
When I'm feeling down. I just remind myself that I've won just as many Oscars as Leonardo Dicaprio
My boyfriend said this when he was high: "Who founded the KKK?" "Forrest Gump, because it's fuckin retarded." Edit: NSFW
Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
My new girlfriend is a sandwich artist and she's really into roll play
Don't trust atoms. Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
At the rate this year's going so far... I'm probably not going to get that puppy for Christmas.
What do Leonardo Dicaprio Babe Ruth have in common? They both won when neither of them were competing against black people!
How do black people decide what day to wear airbrushed memorial t-shirts of dead relatives?
It's not that I don't care about the environment, it's just your fabric grocery bag doesn't match my outfit.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don't want to eat dumplings.
*hits bong* *abuses bong* *bong calls bong protection agency* *bong custody taken* *bong put in foster home* *bong misses old life*
What did the sailor say about Pirates of the Caribbean It's see-worthy
I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my like on Facebook you better bring it.
I bought some hard cider yesterday... but I'm still waiting for it to melt.
I like my reddit jokes like I like my coffee... Dark and tasteless.
What does the first lady say after bad sex? Thanks Obama.
What type of battery does The Fonz use? AAAA
I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.
How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
Friend told me he buffed up without any protein shakes. No whey.
What happens if you feed Link some Speed? .... you get a Hyperlink ...
I was looking for some camouflage trousers earlier... But I couldn't find any
I still haven't found the key to happiness... ...but I'm starting to feel like whoever locked it up is a real dick.
Poor People Matirx *Neo: There is no spoon.* **BUT IS THERE FOOD?**
What do you get when you mix a black and asian person? A criminal mastermind ...
Q: What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop? A: Take me to your liter!
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
True Fact: If you write a suicide note that rhymes, it also works as a country-western song.
If we had a break up letter there for every gender there was... We'd have "Dear John", "Dear Jane", and "Dear Xir, Ruler of Omicron Percei 8"
How to foil someones plan (pl)(an) = pa + pn + la + ln
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don't remember any of that happening.
Her: "I'm Romanian". Me: Like the lettuce?!
TIFU by changing TIFU's meaning to make a joke. Today I fished (for) up-votes by ( insert made up story ).
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in strawberry patches.
Apparently If ur BF says "if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac? A fucking thief!
Pool donations, what is up with that? One day this guy came up to my front door asking for donations to the local pool, I told him I would be right back. I came back and handed him a glass a water.
What do you call a group of sorority girls/fraternity guys standing in a circle? A round of applause ...because they all have the clap.
Why is an Oklahoma divorce like a Texas twister? Somebody's 'bout to lose a trailer.
What is a Stormtrooper's favorite place to sit. A pew, pew, pew.
5 penises A man visits his doctor and tells him, "You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 penises!" To which the doctor replies, "5 penises! How do your pants fit?" "Like a glove!"
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There are too many reposts about both.
What does a lifeguard and a manager of a Curves have in common? They both watch whales.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today: "Do your work! Santa's watching right now." "Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago."
No thanks farting robot on the wall I'll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Mike wazowski opens up a tattoo shop Called Monsters Ink
On the Mexican side of the US-Mexico border, there are guards. On the US side, there are trampolines.
LOSER BOOTY CALL... APARTMENT Wow, you have your own apartment? Yeah, it's probably nicer than my room at the Y.
Just because you are chubby and heartbroken doesn't mean you must sing Adele's song on Karaoke.
What do you call a redneck virgin? A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.
Two things I hate: 1) People who form negative opinions of celebrities based only on what they see or hear on TV. 2) Justin Bieber.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Ever met the human version of a headache?
Why you should definitely visit the Grand Canyon... Well... it's just plain *gorge*-ous
It's the cheese police, you're under arrest. Looks like you've been keeping all your cheddar... In a Swiss bank account.
What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game? Mein Kraft.
What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts
One man's trash is another man's treasure... ...is not the best way to tell a kid that he's adopted.
I have a problem with commitment Never mind that joke is lame anyway
In 2003 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.
Why can't Democrats sell pants? They believe in a single-pair system.
I tried to join the mile high club once But nobody gave a flying fuck.
How can you tell when a woman has an orgasm? Who cares?
Judge: Your client says he's mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
*offers Batman cough drops*
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? Zero.
Oh, I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
What goes after foursome? Awesome...
If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who's dumber than me, I'd have $11 cause I work for a small company.
the boss hands me a gun, "you know what to do." I nod. outside, I frantically google: boss gun why how to kill is killing ok regift gun ok
So have you heard about the mass immigration problem ALDI has been having? They even got a new slogan: Do work or ALDI port ya
A mugged turtle.. A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
I lost my virginity yesterday. My dad incests he did nothing
IDK why everyone is sad about Whitney Houston dying; you didn't know her personally. You only knew her musically & musically she died in '93
Why couldn't the guy with insomnia have an affair with anyone's wife? Because he couldn't sleep with anyone.
*First day as drug dealer* *Giggles* "coke isn't available, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*
Why do college girls only hang out in odd numbers? Because they literally can't even.
911: What's your emergency, sir? Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being- 911: Please don't do this, sir M: AbDUCKted! 911: *hangs up*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I act like I don't care but deep inside I still don't give a fcuk.
What do you call an affectionate rabbit? A tender loving hare.
I saw an American Bridge player crying last night She said she bid 4 No Trump
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
What did the spanish fireman name his 2 sons? Jose and Hose B
My sister and I decided that we want to start our own businesses. She's going to open a furniture store called 'Sofa King' and I'm going to open a soup restaurant next door called 'Stew Pit'.
I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead silly. No wonder he hasn't replied.
What do you call a hump-backed cow that always wants to be the center of attention? A drama-dairy.
What kinds of boobs are popular in the workplace? Pos-tits.
Girls who use tanning beds either have no concept of what they actually look like or have advanced fantasies about being a waffle.
want to feel old?? theres stil a infinite number of small wonders u've yet to experiemce in ur incredible life. so too bad. now u feel young
What do you call a group of brain surgeons? A neural network.
Just wrote a song about making sandwiches using tortillas. ... Well, it's more of a rap...
Never underestimate the power of carefully worded nonsense.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!
How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb? YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!
I opened what I thought was a can of whoop-ass, but it turned out to be Whoomp! And there it is, all over my floor.
My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You've Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you
I'm sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You're gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn't crash.
What do you call a cow with five legs? Rare.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B WASA B!
10 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date,. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
[META] Please stop joking about Chris Brown beating Rihanna It's not funny when people keep beating a dead horse.
<-- Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.
My sister told me not to post a joke about the WTC. I asked, What Trade Center?
Why are conspiracy theorists always fat? They believe the proof is in the pudding.
Cliffhangers I like cliffhangers, and I cannot
I asked out a statistician on a date. She failed to reject me.
Boy monster: You've got a face like a million  dollars ! Girl monster: Have I really ? Boy monster: Yes - it's green and wrinkly !
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.
Who is the idiot that called it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Even if God himself appeared & said "Dude, I am real and you need to go to church today," I would still be like "Yeah it's been a long week"
What do you call a slutty clown? The town unicycle.
When is a black dog not a black dog ? When it's a greyhound !
What time is it when you have to go to the  dentist ? Tooth Hurty !
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
If I had a million dollars i'd pay to have sex with your mum and i'd probably invest the other $999,990
What do you call a joke on drugs? Highlarious
Did you hear the one about the Seahawk who wouldn't stop talking? He kept beating a dead horse.
Why Did it Take so Long to Legalize Gay Marriage? Because their priorities weren't straight.
Screwdriver walks into a bar Bartender says hey man we have a drink named after you? The screwdriver asks "you have a drink named Steve?"
Trix are for kids. calling your penis trix because trix are for kids. wait no ( ._.)?
So the trick to getting my Dog to swallow Semen.. ..is coming on a treat.
Why wasn't the pirate invited to the movie theater? Because they didn't have movie theaters back in the 1800's.
My normally calm bull got angry today. It certainly was a red flag.
Meow meow meow [Wife comes home early] MEOW! *cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack* THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I've missed 3 mortgage payments.
So I got a nose job last Tuesday... It's amazing what hookers will do if you tip them. (Original joke)
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
A man orders a drink at McDonald's Cashier: $1.08 sir Man: Sure, I'll wait
Why did the Redgaurd's toe hurt? His Hammerfell
The words synonym and antonym are antonyms. Well played, antonym.
A black man and a Mexican are in a car, who is driving? The cop
My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton... Well Newton died a lonely virgin so clearly I'm doing something right
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes...
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?
What do you call a group of Pigeons and Chickens? A Coo Clucks Clan
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start  the car.
REAL '90s kids will recognize this! ---> Current unemployment.
Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone... In the car I'm driving.
I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry... ...I'm pretty proud of myshelf
The Smart Kid A child asks his father: - Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from? - From your mother, I think. I still have mine.
If Joseph Stalin completed all of his highschool credits Does that make him a Stalingrad?
Why did Pinocchio tell lies? Because he was a fucking liar! -from Louis CK's AMA-
What gym did Socrates go to? The Y.
Every time a woman takes off something she looks better, but every time a man takes off something he looks worse.
A little girl asks her mom, "Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?" Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
Why are fish so smart? They are always in schools!
I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.
2013 is nearly over so like this status if I've ever made you smile this year.
I have a vegan girlfriend... and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot
It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car's shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I'm sexy.
I just got back from a once in a lifetime trip.... ....I'll tell you what, never again
How do you make a cat bark like a dog? Cover it in lighter fluid and throw a match at it: "WOOF!"
How can you face you problem ..if your problem is your face
I know why my saturdays are so shitty now... because there's always a turd in it.
What would make Batman really salty? Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-
Did you hear about the stolen Tesla? I guess now it's an Edison
What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.
FALLOUT 5 RELEASED TODAY No need for the VR, updates will come these next weeks provided by trump
I photobombed my pal's passport photo & now they won't let him through customs unless I'm behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
My computer just said "Hello" to me I think it's a Dell.
Why was the little ant confused? Because his uncles are aunts.
Showers: never want to get in, then never wanting to get out.
Got involved in an alcohol-related pyramid scheme... What a champaign.
The new iPhone 6s Plus is going to be a smash hit. Yeah, I heard it's a HUGE 6S.
Double cheeseburgers don't make you fat, eating them does.
This jokes so dark, it's not welcome in South Carolina He:Babe Come Over She:i'm Playing Arkham Knight He: My Parents arent's home She:neither Are Batmans
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Marine biologists were baffled by why Jaws would always swim away after chomping off swimmers' legs. Turns out he's lack toes intolerant.
They could put nuclear missile launch codes in porn movie end credits and they'd still be perfectly safe.
My wife asked, "How do cheese strings work?" I started to laugh, but then I stopped. How do cheese strings work?
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use lubricant.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can't afford 3) Periods 4) Men
Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50? Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.
Did you read the article about the automated journalist? The story writes itself.
I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.
What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic? A Juand
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say, "I would do anything for love." On the back, "But I won't do that."
Mein kampf es su kampf
Me: Well hello again. I knew you'd be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat...It's watching what other people eat.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay the b!tch.
Did you hear about the new divorcee Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
The West Coast is so last year
My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of "Bieber" every damn time
*joins Buddhist monastery* *withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training* So, vending machine that didn't drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If my dad was president of this country... There would be no Isis. It would be Waswas. Dad walked in to the kitchen and dropped this on me.
[bank robbery] "Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?" TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[hunting] DAD: dont scare him ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute DEER: holy shit DAD: what did i just say
Glove modeling is a very stable career path... ... you are sure to get a hand job every day.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's computer Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 8, he replied: "I still love Vista, baby"
What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got  585.999983605.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
What do you call potato friends? Spuddies
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
How do you know if a woman is hot for you? When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.
What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now? Scratching the hell out of his coffin lid.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I'm awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
The president of Nintendo has died. The ambulance went Wii U Wii U Wii U
My browser history indicates true mental instability
Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.
Hunters, you shouldn't wear camo you should dress like cars. Deer will walk toward you and hope you kill them.
When other parents at the playground ask me things about my baby I say, "I don't know. I just kidnapped her."
How do you know your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up.
I had to get new tennis shoes this weekend my old ones were pretty run down
Why is santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year...
They used to laugh whenever I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!
If I bought 1/4 of the Viagra the spammers are offering me, I'd have a hard on for the next 400 years.
How many Jews does it take to fix an oven? Hitler stopped trying at 6 million.
what if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I'm thinking of changing my name to Attention so i can get paid
Who has the best K/D ratio? Hitler.
Why do demons love apostrophes? They show possession.
What a precious thing it is to bond with someone by talking shit about somebody else.
Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a "holiday" on Hitler's Birthday. Merica.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher? As a soldier, it is your job to kill people. As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.
What do you call a fish that performs brain surgeries? A neurosturgeon
I hate when I walk in on another guy in a bathroom stall and, since we're both on our phones, neither of us notices until I sit on his lap.
I was at the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, "I love you.' She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It's me... talking to the beer!" 
What do these jokes and a ghost have in common? Boo man! Boo!
At the Bar I was not drunk.. ...At morning I discovered me on my bed but nude!!
Terry Fox should have taken his leg off for his run across Canada in 1980 ... and made it the Marathon of Hop
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the pyschopath
An old dood told me this joke Whats pink and wet, and smells like pussy? Then he does [this](http://giphy.com/gifs/tongue-cody-simpson-dAKdA1l0GETVS) I love old people
"Can you make me look like this?" *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Reasons I think I might be a puppet vampire: 1. Ah ha ha! 2. Ah ha ha! 3. Ah ha ha!
What did one orphan say to the other? "Robin, get in the Batmobile"
What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.
I always write great unit tests Wouldn't want a careless bug to crash one of my viruses.
What's it called when a cannon ball eats another cannon ball? Cannonball-ism.
My doctor says I need to avoid trans fats I'm really going to miss Tumblr
Currently eating organic raspberries that I didn't wash over my kitchen sink, in case any ladies out there dig the whole "bad boy" persona.
It's hard to have a Polaroid camera and not seem "kidnappy".
Have you heard about that new pirate movie?? It's rated AHRRRRRRRRR!
The spork is the hermaphrodite of utensils.
I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
What do you call street entertainers from the spirit world? Ghost Buskers
Love the F word... Friday! What were you thinking?
What do you call silly pasta? A noodlehead..
What is the American national day for vampires? Fangsgiving Day.
So, today I woke up and asked my UK counterpart... "Did you have eggs and bacon with your Brexit this morning?"
What's a pirate's favorite letter? you may think it be R, but a pirates true love is for the C (sea)
Mind over matter they told me... Thanks for the gold stranger! *edit* Front page! Much wow!
I have the perfect response to a text but its too mean Girl: What is your dumbest pet-peeve me: People asking stupid questions
What do you call an article written about a dead astronaut? An *orbit*-tuary!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? Me: hmm that's a tough one. I guess I'd probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If an idle mind is devil's workshop, what is its kitchen and toilet?
Don't blame me for acting like a baby, I was born that way.
I volunteer a lot at a children's hospice... It never gets old.
How do you know your sister's on her period? Your dad's dick tastes like blood
Helen Keller walks into a bar And a table, and a chair, and a bed...
So hypothetically speaking, what do you think is the scariest mask they would let me wear in line at the bank?
Why your mom never took you to the zoo They wouldn't allow you to leave
Scat and feces... Different names for the same shit.
My favorite thing about myself is that I'm humble.
REALLY?! WHY?! - my reaction to meeting a white guy named Andre
So I gave a blind guy a basketball. I think he's still trying to read it...
so i was on youtube... and people started making jokes here's the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&amp;v=V7-XLL3nbYU&amp;feature=fvwp great song too
What happens when Donald Trump takes cialis? He grows taller.
Why did the dog go into the water? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog.
Fellas; If she doesn't call you every fcuking minute of the day, never let her go.
If my girlfriend and I were stoners, I would propose by asking ... ..."Marriage, you wanna?"
Why do pill bottles have cotton in them? To remind blacks in America that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
What do John Mellencamp and Ashton Kutcher have in common? They both picked up a Cougar and then thought better of it.
"How big do you suppose that fence is?" "I reckon that fence is around a yard."
I'd be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Family...Friends....Fun...Fridays. All good things start with "F".
Have you heard about the muslim sex dolls? They blow themselves up.
While commemorating my father's various physical feats, one friend asked if he was "shredded". He was cremated. :(
I wonder how much more I would have time to accomplish in my life if hotel lamp switches were always in the same place.
What happens to gay horses when they die? They become "super" glue!
"I don't know, dude. Probably science & shit." Worst answer I ever gave in a job interview. :(
LPT: If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest? Because he was barefooted!!!
What's the difference between your mom and a rooster? A rooster says "Cock-a-doddle-doo", and your mom says "Any-cock-will-do!"
"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short." "Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!" "Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
No I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at what I think of you.
An Irishman... An Irishman walks out of a bar.
the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk
How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.
What do a woman and a condom have in common? They spend more time in your wallet than they do on your dick.
Asking politicians to give up source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.
Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79's pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Dont be a racist, be like Mario... he is an Italian plumber created by Japanese people, who speaks English, looks like a Mexican that jumps like a black man and grabs coins like a Jew.
Why is sex like Tetris? It's all about fitting the long piece in just right...
Some people talk the talk, others walk the walk. And here I am, a mute in a wheelchair.
Why did the lime disapprove of his daughter? Because she was a little tart.
What's faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon
Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully 10,000 Year Old Tree: k
What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef.
I started breeding pygmy malamutes, and I gave one to my SO, but they left me before they saw the puppy. All I said was, "Hey, you're getting a little husky."
Wat does it take to bring down a tower theses days What does it take to bring down a tower these days 4 terrorists and a 747
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS? Me watching recorded TV shows
Please help! I desperately need a joke about an Irishman.
I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver... yes, OP delivers.
It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
What do you tell a woman with black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.
A friend of mine told me that I should try and come up with a joke about Staircase Wit. I can't think of one right now, but I'm sure I'll think of a great one later.
Why did the pope have so many children? Because his condom was a little holy...
How much...? How much dick could a dik-dik lick if a dik-dik could lick dick?
What do you call wood-smoothing equipment that's hot to the touch? Bernie Sanders
I like my coffee like Thomas Jefferson likes his women Hand picked from a field.
I love using sign language It's a real hands-on experience.
Why did the Vietnamese woman get a career as a prostitute? Because she likes Dongs.
Black kids play NBA 2K... and then go to the basketball court to be like their favorite player. White kids play Call of Duty, then go to school to get the highest kill streak possible.
What did Cinderella say before she got to the ball? Aghagghhghgagaggag (Those are supposed to be gagging noises)
I'm quite lazy, so I use my toes to pick things up from the ground... ...You could say my feet come pretty handy.
I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife. *wife phones* Wife: What you doing? Husband: Missing you.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago. She's still answering it.
Have you heard the one about the ignorant proctologist? He didn't know shit.
Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!
Think what you will about Obama, But so far he's the best black president we've ever had.
I used to have black friends until my dad sold them :(
I have a love hate relationship... Fuck everyone else.
A soldier is at the bar when his buddy walks in. The buddy, surprised to see him, asks... Buddy: Hey how did you escape Iraq? Soldier: Iran.
I was making Ewok for dinner but I cooked it too long and it was like, a little Chewy. -- (Wil Shipley)
Why aren't there any female butchers? Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
My lesbian neighbors... My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
How do you get a Catholic Nun to have sex? Dress her up like an altar boy
Breaking news: Cartoonist found dead in his own home. The details were sketchy.
I identify as an employee wherever I go. Now I can use any bathroom I need to.
Knock knock -Who's there? -Ala -Ala who? -AKBAR
I can always tell what my present is off Iggy Azelea because she's really bad at wrapping.
There's these 3 old ladies sitting on a bench. A guy comes up in a trench coat and flashes the 3 ladies. The first one has a stroke. The second one has a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
A man had an appointment at the sperm bank. He never came.
r/politics That is all.
Attention r/Jokes! Will the real Steven Hawking please stand up?
Who the hell is this Rorschach guy? And why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
We could clothe the needy with all the extra fabric black dudes wear.
The total age of the women I've slept with this year is 132, which would be so much more impressive if it was more than two women.
Chuck Norris can ride his bike with no handlebars..............or wheels
The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
What does a cheetah call Usain Bolt? Fast food
Hillary Clinton says to the Devil, "What happened? You promised me that I'd win the election?" The Devil replies, "Yeah, and you promised me a soul."
In other news... An airplane crashed into a cemetery this morning. 400 bodies have already been found and the search continues.
What do you call a group of twelve, angry, well-endowed men? A hung jury.
75% of women who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear', know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'.
How did you get those horrible burns? *flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.
What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified? He gets a little cross.
where do you go when you're fly to death? the terminal
Not to freak everybody out but my new desk calendar ends in 2012
What's the difference between a toilet and a sink? Titanic didn't toilet.
Why can't you e-mail a photo to a Jedi? Because attachments are forbidden.
If light travels faster than sound. Then why do I always hear a honk before the light turn green?
What did the starving, homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic? Fetus please.
The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
What do a walrus and tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal.
I love to hold my wife's hand when we are out. If I let go, she shops.
An engineer went hunting... And found a set of tracks. He bent down to take a closer look and was run over by a train.
Dora the explorers parents don't give any kind of shit about Dora. She's 7 and she's flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
The older I get the more I realise how important it is to have two different cereals on the go at the same time so you don't get bored.
It was delicious -1 2^3 E ....... And it was delicious
What's the difference between a little guy with a pot o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off? One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con.
Why was the tree stretching? So it could be timber!
Where do internet pirates get their loot? From pier to pier.
Oral sex can make your whole day... But anal sex can make your hole weak.
What do you call mexicans who are stoned? Baked beans.
What did Jimmy Carter say to Ronald Reagan? Let me Eat your Turds !! Lol !!
Who does a hypocrite really hate? A hypocrite!
What did Missy Elliot say to Tony Abbot? Is it worth it?
A great way to de-stress is to get in a car & drive til ur in a new town & ur name is Geoff. Doesnt matter if ur a boy or girl, ur Geoff now
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that's what I named my new Lego set)
Hear about the paranoid guy who stopped using twitter? He said everyone was following him.
Why is rust on a car orange? Because its true car-rot
Why did my wife cross the road? To go back into the first clothes shop we went into two hours ago.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
My girlfriend last night: "I've been a bad girl. Punish me". So I fucked her sister.
What did the dog get at the vet? [FIXED]
Why do Italians carry slices of turd in their wallets? For identification.
I want to tell a joke about infrastructure spending in the UK but only people in London will get it.
On a rainy day two men are standing under the poplar trees in the park One of them is weeping:  - John. Do you know how difficult it is to lose a wife? - I know Jack, I know. Practically impossible.
ELI5: Why doesn't BMW install turn signals on their cars?
How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti? Pasta pasta, pasta.
Why doesn't Santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year
What do Michael Jackson and Mervyn's have in common? They're both dead.
What do you call a waffle that's been buried in sand? Sandiego (The first joke I ever made as a kid)
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
If a woman has sex with a hundred men...... She is a considered a slut. If a man does the same thing, he is gay.
I tried to smuggle LSD across the border using my ass The bag broke, then I had the shittiest trip
Which concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat Nickelback
Oedipus Complex Like father, like son!
It's OK to kiss a nun , but, don't get into a habit .
Life is like a box if chocholates. It's full of nuts and you only enjoy some of it.
Guys! The Ultimate Warrior Is Not Dead! He just decided to return to Parts Unkown.
I hate when waitresses flirt with me.. I can't tell if they just want the tip or if they want just the tip.
Q: What do you call a beaten politician? A: Donald Trumped
A Latvian dies No potato for Styx-cross Kicked off Styx cross boat Now no potato, and is dark. Also cold. Did really die? Or malnourish hallucination?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus full of children who had bright futures.
Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.
I wrote a short story about some angry fruit... Its titled "The Wrath of Grapes."
Why did the bird go to the theater? She wanted to wait in the wings.
LPT: Always bring a deck of cards with you when you go hiking Joke: If you get lost, play some Solitaire. Soon enough someone will be around to tell you how to play your own damn cards!
I heard German invented new DDR-memory... It's called "cyclone bee"
What do Han and Chewbacca use to communicate? A wookiee talkie.
I walked into this restaurant near the beach half naked and they wouldn't serve me.. It's like they've never seen a penis before.
I met a beautiful girl when I went on vacation a few years ago... We got along great and she even showed me her boobs. I don't know why I brought it up, it's a distant mammary.
*puts on pickle costume* *gets stuck in pickle costume* *calls friend* Could you please help me? I've gotten my myself into a pickle.
How well did the sailor do in school? Not bad actually, he got high 'C's.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but it takes eight million years.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don't wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, 'Hell no, that is not my kid'
My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D... ... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.
The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets... Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.
What happens when you combine an alpha particle and a beta particle? They become alpha-beta-cle
If your name is Brian and your home WiFi isn't called "Bri-Fi", what are you doing?
What is ISIS? They are Radical!!! Please don't hurt me....
"Everyone has at least one novel inside them"  Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift
*waits until you fall asleep* *tests out his new retractable air horn*
Why are pills white? Because if they were black they wouldn't work.
Why do I see so many broken condoms outside? Honey, those are called "children" and should be treated as such.
What does non-alcoholic beer and going down on you cousin have in common? Sure they taste the same, but it just ain't right.
Hell is an eternity of being sober in a room full of drunk people.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
What does a woman on her period get for free when she takes a bath? Black pudding.
Def Need a " facebook filter" to prevent all the weddings and babies from showing up on my feed.
Taco guy: guac costs extra Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free Taco Guy: guac is free... Anakin: why'd u even pay for the taco? Obi Wan: dammit
Your momma is so fat, we are all concerned for her health.
"But I can't conquer China, it's way too big..." Now Genghis, what do I always say? *Sighs* "I'm Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't"
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!
What's Gemma Teller's favorite herb? Taragon
Can't wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post "what is this, 2016?" Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. "Ha ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
What is Stevie Wonder's favorite key to play in? C minor
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
What did one saggy t*t say to the other saggy t*t? If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
I was going to make a John Cena joke But no one would see it
I will let you borrow any movie from my Pixar collection, except one. I'm never gonna give you Up.
You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that can't be divided by two.
Why did the Reddit cross the line?
What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, I have that vinyl at home.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Marque and reprisal.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the car? Get in the car
I always thought my english grades were good But then in 6th grade, i learned the alphabet
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris You'd be In seine
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
It's better to have loved and lost than to notice a typo after you've already hit "send."
What do you call a violent, racist organization of confused Mexicans? The quequeque
Press 'B' really fast after asking a girl out on a date to increase your chances of catching her
What is cleverer than a talking cat ? A spelling bee !
What did Picard say to Riker when the knitting machine wouldn't print single digits? Make it sew number 1!
Donald Trump has just announced a massive jobs program involving tax credits for shredded cheese factories. He says he wants to "make America grate again."
A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead.
Why did Frankenstein's monster give up  boxing? Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.
Google: We know people like jacks, so on our new Pixel phone... We jacked up the price.
I'm never mean to a girl in glasses, because she will most likely turn out to be hot and popular by the end of the movie.
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's cheat and murder for insurance money like they do on Investigation Discovery Channel.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar... It was tense.
What's the perfect time to go to the dentist? Two thirty.
What do politicians and diapers have in common? Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
So I was catching up with Pacquiao and Mayweather the other day.. Mayweather turns to me and says "Boxer? I barely know her!"
What's a confederates favourite school festival? the Sumner fete.
Do Bigfoot hunters and ghost hunters think the other ones are dumb or are they like: "Game recognize game?"
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life...if my math is correct i died in 1781
OK I just checked and cracked iPad screens are NOT covered under the health care reform bill, WTF?
The tragedy of Jack & Jill is they went *up* the hill to get water. You get water from the *bottom* of a hill. Stupidity killed them.
Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.
I want to be the area under your curves.
I don't trust atoms. Because they make up everything
What do you call a sober Irishman? A liar.
What do you get when you eat Peanut Butter with Baked Beans? A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass.
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog. EDIT: Credit to David Foster Wallace.
Did you hear about the new Voat mobile app? It's called Reddit Was Fun.
I have a stepladder I never knew my real ladder
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb One... but the lightbulb has to want to change.
*At the bank Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP! Me:Looks like a gun R:SHUT UP! M:Well, 'THIS IS A GUN' is way scarier Teller:He's got a point
I got arrested by a female cop today... She said "everything you say can and will be held against you". I replied "your boobs".
Yo mama so old.. when she was young the hottest boygroup was Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
The one time when The Hulk farted... it was the fart that was heard around the world. I know, I know.
Why didn't Bach buy his wife a new accordion? He couldn't afford it; he was "Baroque".
Why does AMD call having 2 or more cards Crossfire? Because no matter what card you cross, and how many, you're bound to start a fire.
Finders, Keepers I saw this cool mine selling shop in Iraq.
This joke will SHOCK you. how do you catch a mouse? Click baiting.
Knock Knock Knock knock Knock knock knock knock KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Whitney, Hurry up in there I gotta take a shit!!!
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who the greatest composer was all they would say is "mmmmmm... Bach Bach Bach"!
[At the first thanksgiving] Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us Natives: we didnt give you land? Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
What did the horny toad say when designing a sex toy? Ribbit *Credit goes to Brian, random guy sitting next to me on couch.
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend Until the LSD wears off and I'm actually dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning.
What's a blind person's least favorite theme park? Seaworld
Two condoms drive by a gay bar... One turns to the other and says "let's get shit-faced!"
What kind of music does a rubber duck listen to? Rub-a-dubstep!
New Band I recently started a new band: We have to play every song in a certain order and we all have to be symmetrical on stage. We're called OC/DC.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can't cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played......
A man walks into his therapist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.. so the therapist takes one look at the man and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Your mother...
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says... "Why the long face?" The horse says, "My wife was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer." The bartender says, "Holy shit! A talking horse!"
Relationship status: I'm about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can't find me on the couch.
lucifer: let's give them free will and see how they choose God: nice lol I'm gunna steal your idea and send you to hell lucifer: what?
People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements
When George Washington was a general why did he  like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
Why do single men live longer than married men? Because they want to.
I wrote a poem I dig You dig She digs He digs They dig We dig Okay so it's not the best poem, but it's very deep!
Well no wonder we haven't cured cancer yet. Our standard for the "best medicine" is laughter.
What is the difference between a Gynecologist and a Urologist ? The smell of their fingers.
What playground equipment do kids hate the most? The slide into poverty.
What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed? "I think we're in sink."
What do republicans and porn stars have in common? They're both professionals at switching position on camera
Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We're all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.
Didja hear about this new rum for the LGBT market - Morgan Le Fay? It's 150 broof.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant... ...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby
Why can't Chinese have Caucasian children? Because two Wongs don't make a white.
I didn't know what I was missing until I dated a vampire. They always beg you to let them swallow.
I've just done the pilot of a new porn series about promiscuous airline staff.
What do an anorexic girl and the UK have in common? They both lose pounds really fast.
COP: Your home was robbed ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system C: Didn't work M: Back to the drawing board C: They stole that M: Dang
What do you call a hipster with a vasectomy? A Fixie.
I served 2 years in Iraq Until they shut down the restaurant
Heard this one from my little brother. Poor Timmy... Him: Why did Timmy fall off the swing? Me: why? Him: Timmy has no arms. Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Him: Not Timmy.
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? Steven Hawking in a house fire.
Why Does the Pope wear Boxers? He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night. Knew I shouldn't have eaten them.
Smoking cures ham.
Last night I let my boyfriend indulge his "scat" fantasy... &lt;sigh&gt; I'm glad I got that off my chest.
Roses are red... Roses are red Violets are blue Most poems rhyme This one doesn't
Taco Bell wouldn't be so popular if indoor plumbing didn't exist
I just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mc nuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing
What is a southern aristocratic families favourite dance move? The whip
Imagine PREDATOR is a sequel to E.T. Now enjoy both films more.
My local grocery store has a special deal going on at the self scan aisle, buy one get like 30 free.
I just had a pervert audition to be the singer in my Paul Simon tribute band He sang "50 ways to love your lever"
Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
What did Hillary Clinton say at the last debate? Nothing...because she was in the kitchen where she belongs.
Bad Zoo I went to a one time and the only animal there was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Why did the model pee herself? She was all dressed up with no place to go!
I hit a guy with my car the other day. Don't worry, it wasn't serious. well... I was laughing. He might have been too, I didn't stop to find out.
My credit card was stolen yesterday... Not sure if I should report it, the thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does.
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
I don't do cocaine I just like to smell it
One can't fly, but a toucan.
How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife? Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
Did you hear about the Casino that hired a Blacksmith? He who smelt it, dealt it.
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name!
Asians are bad drivers cuz they're used to riding pandas while eating rice is that racist enough for you dad I'm sorry I wasn't in the war
Stages of inebriation: Sociable, fun, hilarious, inappropriate, bitter, sad, need new pants, need new friends.
What does an elephant and a carton of milk have in common? They both cum in quarts
*confidently throws the empty macaroni box in the garbage because I don't need instructions* *pulls the box back out 3 times to make sure*
How do you tell if someone is riding a bicycle for fitness or because they have a DUI? The cigarette.
Yesterday I found out my girlfriend of 5 years has conditional gemder dysphoria She said she needed to be Frank with me
My sister told me I'd never be able to kill a man with my pasta... ... She soon learned that the penne's mightier than the sword!
What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? Both say Please insert Bill.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid 200 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Help! My husband's too controlling! Edit: No he's not, he's a really nice guy
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. His summer was ok.
Why do Americans write "color" instead of "colour"? Because fuck "u", that's why.
Lance Armstrong got emotional during his Oprah interview, but numerous sources are reporting that he used performance enhancing onions.
How does every racist joke start? *looks around the room*
I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
What do you call a bear with no hair? Bare
What kind of Fuel does the Iron Giant run on? Vin Diesel! : D Source: http://youtu.be/DmI_PcJQ6Wo
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline? I take my boots off to jump on the trampoline.
I'm so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I'm going with them.
I heard Target is closing all its stores in Canada I guess you can say nobody will miss it
If the person next to you on a flight wont stop talking, take out a Skymall catalog & eat the entire thing while never breaking eye contact.
Warning to friends: If you piss me off I'll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
what do you call a pile of kittens? a meowntain
Opinions are like orgasms, mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
My drug of choice is laughter....and cocaine. Mostly cocaine. Sometimes angel dust. Molly is cool too. RT if you love Jesus.
Shortest joke I know. Dwarf shortage.
What goes up a chimney down, but won't go down a chimney up? An umbrella!
In honor of Pi Day: Who founded the round table? Sir Cumference
The Job Promotion Saudi Arabia just announced that someone was promoted be the new Oil Minister. That would make it a sheikh-up in the government.
How do eels get around the seabed? They go by octobus.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories. Banana: 105 calories. Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
What's the difference between a microwave and anal? A microwave doesn't brown your meat. Courtesy of Chuck Palahnuik at his reading for 'Beautiful You' in Phoenix last night.
Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called " The uncomfortable Sausage"
You can't sugar coat the truth with fat people... Or they'd probably eat that too.
Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.
*as girl walks in* 98, 99, *grunts* 100 "Wow, push-ups?" Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Pepsi backwards... Is pep
Did you guys hear about Anonymous declaring war on ISIS? Looks like ISIS will finally get fucked by those 72 virgins they are always going on about
Last night I dreamed that I was a homeless dog It was pretty *ruff*.
Does anyone know how to take care of a Fern? Asking for a frond.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't mistake them for feminists.
My wife always says I am bullying on of our children I don't know which one she means... John, Maria or the fat ugly one?
What is a horses number 1 priority when voting? A stable economy
My Ex is married now with a baby. What kind of idiot marries a baby?
Why nuns don't wear bras? God supports everything.
Hey, people who don't properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips... what's it like eating spider eggs?
2 nazis walk into a bar, third one ducks.. just at the reich moment.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad] "Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."
Why was the tree in prison because it committed treeson
Priest and a Hindu are making breakfast.. The priest is spreading on margarine and exclaims, "Look! It's Jesus in the spread!" Shocked, the Hindu replies, "Wow, I can't believe it's not Buddha."
what's the worst part about having sex with your pets? A week later they pretend they don't even know you.
What do you call a lesbian with long finger nails? *Single*.
I recently opened a suicide bomb store Business is booming
Never tell a woman you're infatuated with her. All she'll hear is "fat".
I'm a pretty confident woman until I walk out of the grocery store & try to find where I parked.
What do you call a boy with no arms and an eye patch? Names! -Bo Burnham
How do you make a small fortune in aviation? Start out with a large fortune.
There's too much nudity on TV these days... ... all I can do is sit here and shake my fist at it.
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet what would happen if you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and  dropped it?
I tried to sell my old dogging stuff on eBay this week, without success. No bidders but I did have 12 watchers.
My jokes are like onions... They're layered. And because if you dissect them I'll cry.
Q's are just O's that got shanked.
A body was found.... In the bus station early this morning. A man was drowned in milk, buried in Cheerios, with a banana stuxk in his ass. Police suspect a cereal killer....
Knock knock Whos there? Meg Whites most complex drum beat.
Two people commited a crime while having intercourse Its said to have been an inside job
[on Instagram] I don't really like this picture but, good for this person for still being alive and experiencing things. *likes their pic*
Did you see the recent movie about the rabbi? I forget which part they cut out.
I recently thought about stealing from the food shelf... But the steaks were too high.
Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide. Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night........ .......... should have put it on aloha heat.
Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.
I asked a friend if he'd eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked "From whose dog?" I'm having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Did you hear about the piece of scrap wood? He went to BOARDing school and applyed (applied) to college.
After decades of research scientists in Texas have discovered a new use for sheep! Wool!
What website do emo kids use for business networking? LinkedIn Park
Why did the women's studies major go to college? To study a broad
I can't believe how much money I've spent fueling my drinking problem. Time to start brewing coffee at home.
I'm always frank with my sexual partners I don't really want them knowing my real name.
Did you know that Lorena Bobbit was originally from Russia? Her given name was Lorena Cutyourcockoff.
Relationships are like fat people... Most don't work out!
That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.
Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark? Because black people can't swim.
Sometimes, watching Spanish language TV is like dating. I can only understand every third word they say, but the boobs. Dios mio, the boobs!
What do you call a rebellious teenager whose parents are a lamb and a moose? A radical mooselamb
What's the difference between having a badly poured draft beer and having a child with Down's Syndrome? If the head's too big on your beer, you can blow it off.
The old ones are the best ones... ...unless we're talking about pornstars of course.
I invited a friend to go hunt some gods with me... But he just can't deicide.
How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.
Two Jews working in a shop. One of them asks: -Abraham, how much is 13 times 8? -Are we buying or selling?
Why not just say you're feeling thargic, don't be all French about it
I think my wife came from Ikea Cause she came with extra parts that I didn't know about
By the year 2020, the word "Silly" will be considered Harmful. It will be replaced by "Seriously Challenged."
Pro-life or Pro-choice? I'm really unsure how to feel about planned parenthood and abortion. I mean, on one hand I'm all for killing babies but on the other I don't like giving women a choice. Damn...
Q: What did one strawberry say to the other? A:"Look at the jam you've gotten us into!"
I am not racist, I love black people. In fact, I love them so much that I think we should all have our own.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
I think I'll vote the NSA for president... ...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.
When Yuri Gagarin was a kid, he dreamt to be the first one in outer space ... ... but some bitches beat him to it.
Sure, there's no "I" in "team"... But there's, like, three in "idiot."
I eat mushrooms for petit dejeuner. It's the breakfast of champignons.
What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures? A Sven diagram!
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth? Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.
Here's one for the photographers of reddit Why was the photo of a wheat field rejected from Alamy? A=It had too much grain
What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby ? 90 minutes in the oven.
RT if you are my car keys and I can't find you
I will never refer to 'drunk me' or 'sober me' because that implies the second one exists.
"This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we'll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd" -Toddlers
What are a priest's favourite symphony... The ones that start with a#(minor)
What sound does a frog make while jacking off? Rubbit Rubbit
I've been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I hate when I'm telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
If I had a nickel for every time I was right and my parents were wrong. . . I would owe more than what America owes China.
How did Bilbo survive the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy? Because old Hobbits die hard...
Q: What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: They have the same middle name!
What do fishermen say on Halloween?  "Trick-or-trout!"
Wanted to respond with "Perfect!" but accidentally sent "Pervert!" That's my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you're probably not a pervert.
What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday? (And no, the answer is NOT "nun".) filet mig-none
I don't think we should be to worried if Trump gets elected Politicians never keep their word
What's black &amp; white and can't turn around in an elevator? A nun with a javelin through her neck.
What's it called when a smart girl jerks you off? A stroke of genius!
What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with large breasts? One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean Credit; Dad
What's the difference between a girl's track team and a pygmy tribe? One is a bunch of cunning runts.
Cats are perfect for those who want to experience the indifference and hostility of the workplace in a pet.
What's the definition of a Wookiee? Someone who doesn't have any expewience
I had to get a Mastectomy last year... Whew, glad I got that off my chest.
[SKYRIM JOKE] Why didn't the Nords win the theater audition? They should have acted.
Awww... -So you love me too?! ...kward
Your Mother is like Communism... Shared by everyone.
My friend claims that he is a blacksmith But everything he makes is forged.
And on Good Friday, I'm once again reminded that I'm a lonely virgin. Even Jesus got nailed today.
SERIOUS WARNING! Do not go outside! On the 31st December around 11:59pm. Do not go outside your house otherwise chances are, you will not come back until next year!!! Please tell everyone u care for.
What's the biggest joke of 2016? Look a bit to the right.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? Headlines read: "Small Medium at Large"
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My girlfriend told me her period was late So I said it's probably stuck in traffic.
What's the difference between a whale and a toaster? You didn't pop out of a toaster.
You always know when your girlfriend is too young for you, when you have to make the aeroplane noise when you stick your d*ck in her mouth!
Why did Tigger shoot Pooh? He had an itchy Tigger finger?
What kind of letters did the snake get from his  admirers ? Fang letters !
Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet? Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years
Hey dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son? I don't know son, ask your grandfather.
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend? Because they're both cauldron
Where does a divine beaver live? A God Dam!
I had friend that died of indigestion Its just not the same now Gav is gone
Doctor: You can only have clear liquids after midnight Me: Sure no problem Doctor: Not white wine Me:
Why is there no Windows 9? Because 7 8 9.
What does tofu have in common with a Dildo? They are both meat substitutes.
Donald Trump's favorite movie is the Big Lebowski. It's about trying to find the perfect rug while sucking down strong white Russians.
What did the astronaut say to the other when he pressed the wrong button? I apollo-gize.
If I could really LMAO, I could get into these jeans my mom has saved for me since high school.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere!
What do you call it when a cat howls? It Meyowls
DID YOU KNOW: The average Apple worker works 16 hours longer than the average Apple battery.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
What are Isreali candies known for? A jewy center
Did you hear about the wooden car? Wooden move
Being an adult means never having to show your work on a math problem. It's as awesome as it sounds, kids.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
What do you call a black ninja? Incog-negro.
Why do dentists not watch an entire porn video? They only watch the oral parts.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU'LL THANK ME LATER
What can fly but can't be given? A fuck.
Ruth wasn't invited to the party. The people at the party were ruthless.
Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
What did the cannibal wipe with . . . . . . after he ate some people at the library? Pages from *Reader's Digest*
what is worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust
Why was the blonde fired from the M&amp;M factory? She threw out all the W's.
My girlfriend dumped me for making too much Game of Thrones references. What a shame *ding-a-ling*
Why did the hipster where a toque in the summer? So he could say he wore it before it was cool.
Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death
next time you're considering wearing a fedora just think "what would jesus do?" because jesus wouldn't wear a fedora.
a couple of bros... "I wanna know. Which one of you is Bro Montana, and which is Terrell Browens?"
If you have time to check into a gas station on Foursquare, you have too much time on your hands
An Irishman walks out of a bar Wait that was a priest....
Friends are like trees. If you chop them down with an axe they will die.
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks to work today.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:  RENT: $800  GAS: $200  CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750 me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri? To show the opossum it could be done.
I took a Viagra earlier and it got stuck in my throat... I've had a stiff neck for hours.
Me: Want some of my nachos? Coworker: I don't like nachos. Me: Hello 911, what's consider premeditated murder?
Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. "U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!"
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds: Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Why don't Jews like to give rim jobs? Because it's too close to the gas chamber. I'll show myself out
Did someone say "purple"? Sorry, it must have been a pigment of my imagination!
Yo mama's so ugly... Scorpion yelled "STAY OVER THERE!"
At the South Pole by Anne Tarctic
[baby is bouncing in swing seat] I I wish I had one of those. HER DAD They bring great joy. I (to self) Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile? Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"
What element can combine with two nitrogens and an oxygen, and still have there be only one element? XeNON.
Arnold's is long and hard.. The president's is very short, Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope has one, but he doesn't use it.
Always note whether a politician is wearing a lapel pin of a flag, as they are the only way to display patriotism.
I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." Hotel Clerk "No, it's regular porn, you sick bitch."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A man started telling people he was a piece of fruit. Everyone was convinced he was bananas
My LOTR joke If Gimli's father was evil, would he be called Gloin the Dark?
My wife and I went to see a realtor. "Have you guys considered moving houses?" he asked. I said, "No, we don't like caravans."
Back when I was a kid we stared at the wall when we took a shit and we liked it!
50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Seal walks into a..... Club (old, I know but one of my favourites)
To determine how safe a neighborhood is, divide the number of white women carrying yoga mats by the number of signs saying 'Checks Cashed'
Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.
I guy stumbled into a bar..... ...**OUCH**
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well... I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Why are the whores in the docks never hungry? There are so much seamen there.
What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland? Aurora boring Alice.
I had a delicacy last night, young Wookie steak... ...it was a little Chewie.
I bet The Flintstones make those guys at PETA furious.
100$ Bill 1st: Why are you late? 2nd: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. 1st: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? 2nd: No, I was standing on it.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It's not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
What do you call an athlete that smells good? D. O. Durant
If someone on this sub discovers a new type of rock they should name it something funny. Amirite?
My girlfriend is not allowed to go on vacation. If she wants to travel she better pick up a basketball and start walking around the house!
Wife - I want you to take off my bra and panties. Me - Done, now what? Wife - Put some clothes on and quit wearing my underwear! Me - ...
Hey baby, are you a carrot? Because I want to chop you into little pieces.
Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs? Because he didn't like poles.
I saw a fat guy with a "M.O.B." tattoo on his arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" He said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
That Schrodinger guy used to throw some great parties... ... about half the time.
Survival tip: If a clown starts making a balloon chainsaw, run like hell.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes. WIFE: M: W: The laundry. M: No the dish... W: M: W: What? M: We need new dishes.
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said "You've got the wrong house then, mate"
I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me
"Did you hear? Grandpa got burnt the other day." "How badly?" "Well they don't fuck around at the crematorium."
What size clothes do fortune tellers wear? Medium.
men prefer large boobs 9 out of 10 men prefer large boobs. The other man prefers the 9 men.
I really want to get into BDSM I just need someone to show me the ropes
[Interview] "Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?" [flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter] ..Yes.
Winners don't do drugs... It chaffs the willy.
What are the only two similarities between my favorite buger joint, and the orgy I just had? Nothing but Five Guys, extra salty EDIT: Also, I can't type. Burger*
Whats the problem with running through a field of dead babies? Your erection....
What did Kim Jong Il call his Kindle? The Dear Reader.
"Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumbled into the tv remote.
When the party host collects everyone's coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Despite all the wars Thailand has been in... They still have been doing a Bangkok job as a country.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Follow-up questions! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? OH HELL YEAH THAT'S THE STUFF
*Interrogation room w/ murderer* I'd start talking, my partner isn't so nice... *From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*
Why did the ska kid not get the job?... they were worried about his checkered past
6 months ago my doctor gave me 6 months to live. But when I couldn't pay my bill today, he decided to give me another 6 months.
So I was listening to some old-school French rap the other day I think the group was called the Oui-Tang Clan
[2006] *creates anonymous username online and never reveals personal information* [2016] *tweets Taco Bell my credit card number & address*
I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.
I don't know if you guys will get my yoga joke... ... it's kind of a stretch.
Why is Sia not in her music videos? Because she doesn't want anyone to Sia
Man buys a cat, finds out cat is fake. It's the cats name... Ba dum dun... Tsi! Thanks folks, I'll be here all night...
What do you call a person with a meat pastry on their ear? Pioneer.
"Age is just a number." "Yeah? Jail is just a room."
Man I really hate calculus. It just derives me crazy
When does an Irish potato change nationality? When it's french fried.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Baseball Joke What takes longer to run, first to second, or second to third? Second to third, because there's a short stop in the middle!
My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?
How does it feel to be a famous rock-and-roll musician? Fan-fucking-tastic!
My mac has a factory defect. I've been using for 3 years and it still works.
Whats the difference between Eminem &amp; Slim Shaddy Eminem would fuck you and Slim Shady would fuck you and your mom
Donald Trump has written a lot of books about business... They all end at chapter 11. Nice one Hillary!!
What footwear does Hilary Clinton wear to the beach? Flip flops or scandals!
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The fridge doesnt fart when i pull my meat out
I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.
Why do women wear white on their wedding day? All good kitchen appliances come in white. (Don't hurt me)
How do you know who in the room is a vegetarian? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
A fish lies on the ground outside of his tank, dead. The two remaining fish in the tank talk to each other: "What happened?!" "I don't really know... He just yelled 'EVOLUTION!' and jumped out."
Did you hear about that new black hole? It's near Uranus..
What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait? 2B or not 2B?
Sidebar rule: Reposts are allowed... ...and clear statement that you want to take credit for someone else's work.
What does a farmer do at a strip club? Make it grain.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again,I'm coming to live with you." Mom replied, no no my daughter, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.
nsfw: For the first time in a nominee debate, we know who has the largest penis.
I saw a turtle during a thunderstorm You could say he was shellshocked
[interrogation] "Where were you on the night of the 5th?" "Dealing drugs." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."
I recently got very addicted to skiing My doctor told me I'm going down a slippery slope
Behavioral Health What do you call an epileptic with a personality disorder? A myclonic jerk.
Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.
Two atoms walk into a party at the Large Hadron Collider... It was full of nerds so they split.
If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9 men.
What do you call a white duck? A quacker
My ex-girlfriend was an astronaut. So I guess you could say that, I've had a spacex.
If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth ... ... then it is at least somewhat likely that something very gay is going into your mouth at one point in time or another. Get it?
Chemist died in a fire outbreak. Polices had identified the cause, the chemist knew the water was not a solution,
Guy walks into a DR's office with a duck on his head... Duck says "Hey Doc an you get this guy off my ass"
our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we'd been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it
Seafaring language makes me uncomfortable, so no, I would not like a chips ahoy cookie or any other maritime treats, thank you.
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.
The first Matrix director coming out as a trans-woman felt bold, unexpected and original.... .... the second one? Ehh... not so much.
If you can read this, you're standing too close to my iPhone!
It's nice to see women who don't lose their figures as they grow older. They take such a long time to paint and Warhammer is expensive enough as it is.
Why don't you see blonde pharmacists? They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
Before I watch any new network comedy, I say to myself "This better be filled with diversity."
Have a box of tissues on hand when you watch "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" on DVD, guys. And, yes, I mean for the copious weeping. Jerks.
The dyslexic devil worshiper... sold his soul to Santa.
I am a joke. I am not a joke. What is laughter? DEATH! I died of laughter tomorrow!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Why is boxing the gayest sport in the world? Because you have two shirtless men in silk shorts fighting over a purse.
A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder... Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."
If you say married people aren't having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: "Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?"
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender who just moved in next door.
Bono from U2 is the voice of my car's GPS It sucks. The streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Stupid people aren't flammable enough.
Hey, want to hear a joke? "Sure" "Sex" "... I don't get it." "Yeah, I know you don't."
"Are you sexually active?" [Flashback to that one time I sat in a chair a girl was just sitting in and it still felt warm.] "Yes."
Mom, i'm going out -You are not going out with that mini skirt. -But why? -Because they can see your balls, David.
If you pull a lizard's tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like "dude."
just applied for health insurance & boy r my arms tired! *quote goes up to $330/month* noooo it was a joke I'm a jokeman on Twitter *$3000*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken. *pushes their faces together* Me: Did they kiss and make up? 5: No. She headbutted him.
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator... I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
A woman walks into a bar. She asks the bartender for a double entendre, and the bartender gives it to her.
why is six afraid of seven ANSWER :because 789
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette? I don't have a corvette in my garage.
Time flies in Italy.... ...Everywhere you look, another Dago's by.....
What is the difference between a diameter and a radius? A radius
What is your favorite knick knock joke? Do tell.
Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.
What do you call a black man in space? An astronaut you racist.
I told my therapist what you said and she's gonna call your therapist and you're in big trouble
Are you in a fight with another person? Well it really seems like you two are squaring off. At least to tell us the long side of the story according to the Pythagorean Theorem.
You are the joke ..... Yes seriously!
My fiancee doesn't think jokes about drone strikes are funny. Personally I find them Hillaryous.
Where do they send trickster tuna when they catch them? A Tuna Chi-Cannery
I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.
Why didn't crab and lobster like to share? They were both two shellfish
What you can get with 57 000? A home for a refugee. Or a shit ton of beer
Did you hear about the hipster compound? It's ionic.
The best thing about non-sequiturs is the bacon flavored wheelbarrow and my cat thinks he's Anderson Cooper's boyfriend.
Yesterday I thought I was in the Amazon river Turns out I was in denial
Have you ever noticed that cigars and scotch taste the same? They both taste like my dad's approval.
I one the sandwich.
Why did the newspaper cross the street? To get to the other side of the story.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? It wasn't, numbers aren't sentient beings...
Has anyone seen the movie Constipated? No? Thats because it never came out...
How many potatoes does it take to kill and Irishman? None. Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!
Best Joke of all Time Civil Rights Act of 1866
Whew. Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
While building a windmill I had to go to the restroom. You could say shit hit the fan.
What do you call a Black man flying a plane? ..A pilot you fuckin racists
My donkey ate my Christmas tree...total pine in the ass.
Too err is human... To blame the next guy is even more so.
Donald trump already has a private jet he plans on putting in production for his presidency. He's calling it the hair force one.
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
Remember "pantsing" people in high school... sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I hate those unrealistic movies...you know, the ones where men are friends with women.
Does anyone know how much a blimp is worth? I was going to google it, but I was worried it wouldn't account for inflation.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's meant to be. So only become emotionally invested with boomerangs and dogs.
Maybe don't show me a picture if you don't want me to rate your baby.
TIFU in a hot air balloon ... It was amazing.
Why did Skrillex get fired from the antique shop? Because he d-d-d-d-dropped the vase. Stupid. I know.
What do Trees do in Autumn? Take a Leaf of absence.
Women who bleach their mustaches, clearly don't understand the problem with mustaches.
I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me but each time, I kept falling asleep
My favorite response to someone asking how something works... "Magic" even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy
If only Africa had more mosquito nets Then every year we could save millions of mosquito's from dying needlessly of Aids.
And how would you like that cooked? "I like my steak like I like my Pokemon... Rare"
How do you confuse a palaeontologist? Give them a used tampon and ask what period it's from.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
What happened when the fat woman backed into the airplane propeller? Disaster.
My ex-wife still misses me. BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! ...You see it's funny cause marriage is terrible
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "can you make me one with everything?" After he received the pizza, he waited. "Where's my change?" "Ah, change comes from within."
The Miami Dolphins....
A furniture-maker got caught by his wife coming in at 4am "Damn it, Jesse! I will not let you ruin our marriage over one night stand!"
I like Freudian Slips as much as the next gay.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed absolutely nothing... ...I was like, 0mg!
Went to a zoo the other day. The only exhibit was a dog. it was a shitzu
I've replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I've ever done but it's ok, I'll rob him when he's dead.
What's the difference between jokes and pussy? I don't fucking get jokes.
TIFU when I went to Subways... Whoops wrong sub. Oh wait. This has been done before, hasn't it? You probably Reddit already.
You could call today "Christmas Adam" Because Adam came before Eve.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? "Not to be confused with each other."
What's a racist's favorite race? The 3k.
Today I officially hit the "I guess these shrank in the dryer" phase of my weight gain denial.
I'd get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it's wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot...he's got like 4 arms.
What's the cure for world hunger? Food
Did you hear they are planning to legislate that all time-telling devices should indicate numbers only as Roman numerals? Not on my watch!
How do you think the unthinkable? With an Ithberg
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said "how many eyebrows do I have?"
Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because she can't find the number 11 EDIT: Maybe the fact she thinks it was called 9-11 was part of the joke?
Bill Cosby was charged with sexual assault I guess the proof was in the pudding
I just had a huge fight with my dog She's such a bitch.
We the People ~~We the People~~ We the electoral college
CHOPSTICK IS LIFE CHOPSTICK IS LOVE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC39oeMwCJ8
"Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?"-Steve, shitty pencil magician
"Where do babies come from?" Asked the little boy... Perplexed, his dad answers "well they come from the store, son." Kid looks at him with disgust and goes "eww you had sex with the store?"
Think of a good penis joke! Wait, I have a good one right on the tip of my tongue!
I saw The Joker working at a winter apparel store. He turned to me and said "You wanna know how I got these scarves?"
What do you call a group of gay elephants? A parade.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like "dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater"
Walk up in the club like "hey do you have to buy anything to use the bathroom?"
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What do you call a pirate's girlfriend? His soulmatey
Yo mama is so fat...that she makes Godzilla look like an action figure
How can your make 7 even? Take away the "S"
Why don't you hit a Mexican kid who's riding a bike? Because it's probably your bike
There was once a very unlucky man Crossing the road , he got hit by a truck . Then on his way to heaven , got hit by a plane
My love for shampoo is unconditioner.
Subway's known about Jared since the beginning how else can you explain how they knew he likes to eat fresh. I'm going to hell for this one.
You hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He stays up all night, every night, wondering if there truly is a dog.
My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it.
[interview] "Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?" "Yeah, sorry, that's a typo"
What do you call the side door of a brothel in Westeros? Hodor
Yo mama so fat she can't fit in a car
Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
[on a speed date] *2 min long fart* "It was nice meeting you."
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
What for you call a motivated mannequin? Mannecan
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Then God said, "Let there be Internet drama"; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.
Before we talk about this very complicated topic, you should know that I read several sentences about it in an article once.
I don't have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus wiping off Klingons
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey But then I turned myself around
Trump: "I'm going to make sure we let in less immigrants." Pence: "Fewer!" Trump: "Shhh, don't call me that yet."
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt can finish a race.
'NSFW' Why didn't Mrs. Claus ever have kids? Because Santa always comes down the chimney.
What's the difference between a good joke And a bad joke the timing
PRANK TIME: tie your friend's shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him
My Uncle Benny Always used to Say, "If you like a girl you should buy her a Toothbrush..." "Because then every time she puts it in her mouth, she'll think of you."
Why did the chicken cross the bridge? To get away from the Turkey coop.
What is a prostitute's favorite region of America? The Bayou
I remember the last thing my granpa said to me before he kicked the bucket. he said, "hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Why are postal carriers the most masculine profession? Because they're male men
What does Taylor Swift tell her boyfriend when he gets toilet paper stuck on his arse? Shake it off
What's the difference between a zit and a priest? Zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums in your face.
Does anyone want to buy a broken yo-yo? No strings attached
What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat.
Q: Why are pirates so popular? A: They just arrrr.
Why do African casinos always go out of business? Because there's too many cheetahs.
I don't understand how people can do such good impersonations. I can't even be myself around other people.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
A poem for you I dig... You dig... We dig... He dig... She dig... They dig... ******** It's not a very beautiful poem but it's quite deep
Started the mower for the 1st time this year.36 pulls & then I passed out.When I came to, yard had crop circles & the beagle had a mohawk.
Why couldn't the homosexual Irishman with an oral fixation order at the restaurant? He only spoke gaelic
On your MARK, get wet, RUFFALO.
Whats the difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball? You cant fit a prostitute in a bowling ball
what comes after the bar? f. as in barf because drinking can make people barf .. f could also mean fuck because drinking can make people fuck that is all
My friends were disappointed that I decided to stay home after work instead of going out with them... I said, "Yea, I'm really into resting, aren't I ? "
Did you hear about the man with 5 penises? His pants fit him like a glove.
whoreplacedmyspacebarwithaclappingemojiIneedtofinishmypaperstonightpleasehelpme
fur coat daughter tells mom who wears a fur coat daughter: did you know that your fur coat is a result of suffering of an animal? mom: you shouldn't talk about your dad that way
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
My girlfriend has this weird fetish Where she dresses up like herself, and acts like a total bitch
Killing mosquitoes by smashing them in mid-air as they fly by is so satisfying until you accidentally hit a person in the head.
What does Spock sing in the shower? I'll stop the world and meld with you!
That awkward moment when you step on a lego and all the kids scatter because they know SOMEONE must die.
Going fishing with my mates who all have the flu. I hope I catch something!
What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common? they can smell it, but they can't eat it.
A baby seal walks into a club. ...while two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Bah-dum-tsssssss.
When one door closes another one opens. ... Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work...!!
"Was this car tested on animals?" "sir animals can't drive" "will this car enable animals to drive?" "No" "SO YOU DID TEST IT!" "god damnit"
[in ambulance after being shot] can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell? "Don't be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can"
THERAPIST: Ever had a job? ME: I once worked at a zoo T: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: Definitely not a penguin T: What M: What
Why did the chicken droid NOT cross the road? Because it had a bad motivator!
What's the reverse of a blindfold A burka
I wasn't on the Titanic but my iPhone just dropped to 2% so I think I get the gist.
People are like books. You can't judge them by the outside and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.
Trigonometry Why can't Irish do trigonometry? They can't tan. Why can't Christians do trigonometry? They can't sin. Why can't the rest of us trigonometry? Just cos.
Why did the cannibal have an upset stomach? He ate someone who disagreed with him.
what if God. Israel?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever. Not.
Be alert! The world needs more lerts
Excuses are like asses: everyone has them and they all stink.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in South Carolina? Cause if it was invented anywhere else it'd be called a teethbrush.
What do you get when you combine a watch with a dog? An eternally suffering abomination...YOU MONSTER!
What do a UT Austin student and a Texas A&amp;M student have in common? They both applied to UT Austin
I'm smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn't sure how to spell it so...
A teacher keeps on talking. Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Student: A teacher!
Son asking father. Why are niggers so black daddy? Well son, whip this one while I think about it.
A man walks into a bar.. Ouch.
I found Jesus the other day....... and if no one claims him within 30 days, by gosh, I am going to keep him!
Q: Why did the ox fall down the hill? A: It was an oxident.
I want to make a joke about screamo music... But there was no rhyme or reason to it.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
What do being in the mafia and cunnilingus have in common... One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!
Did you hear about the confused question mark? He couldn't figure out how he got a period.
The Ottoman Empire... Really loved to put their feet up. (such a bad bad joke)
What did the Ocean say to the Beach? Nothing, it just waved.
Ten things only 90s people remember: 1. 1990 2. 1991 3. 1992 4. 1993 5. 1994 6. 1995 7. 1996 8. 1997 9. 1998 10. That sound the modems made
LPT...never trust a Genie who.... calls his penis his LAMP. I never got my wishes.
My wife asked me to teach her to use the snowblower.. I said, "How about we start with the vacuum".
I hope it's not too weird the next time I get a haircut and the barber asks, "So, how do you want it?" and I reply, "Like Ellen DeGeneres."
want to hear a word I just made up? plagarism
Username goes to the store. He buys three oranges and goes to the till. Username checks out.
You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.
What did the choir teacher say to the student who asked to use the bathroom? Of chorus.
Age is just a number. (That roughly indicates how close you are to menopausing/getting super ugly/dying)
*falls down* Mom: What was that? Me: My shirt fell Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt Me: I was in it
My friend the Scarecrow just got a promotion He was outstanding in his field
The boss is telling his workers a dumb joke... ...and every worker is laughing except one. The boss asks that one worker: "Why are you not laughing?" "Cos I'm quitting today."
It's hard to stop being depressed Because gravity is always bringing me down.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Testicles (though I'm sure you smarties already got it).
Where does an ape sleep? In an apricot.
Is Bill Cosby guilty? Is Bill Cosby guilty of all these crimes against women? Well, we shall see, cuz the proof is in the pudding!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My gf told me to stop being childish, she just wants to come in for a talk not my fault she cant remember the password to my pillow fortress
I want to die like my father; sleeping in peace ... Not like his passengers; screaming in fear.
too soon? Knock knock? Who's there? 9/11! 9/11 who? So much for "NEVER FORGET"
Don't get offended. Only racist jokes... Q: Why are Black people so tall? A: Because their KneeGrows.
What's a comedian's favorite candy? Laffy Taffy.
I'll be shaking hands with business people in front of a globe today if any stock photographers want to make some easy cash.
How does Bob Marley like his sandwiches? Wi' jam in
Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.
What's Sisyphus' least favourite type of music? Rock and Roll.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you? - My toddler, wooing the dog
What did one mountain say to the other mountain? Nothing. They were both stoned.
I'd like to buy a bed please. Certainly madam. Spring mattress? Oh no! I want to be able to use it all year.
I do it doggy style... as in I spin around three times before I sit on the toilet.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
What is the favorite scientific unit of the French? RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )
Anything you say can and will be held against you boobies
How can you lose around 10 pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Once you understand they're unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
How do you tell which potato on the street corner is the prostitute? It has a sticker on it that says "Idaho."
What band does a wannabe join? Rock Band for the XBOX 360
TIL that if you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end... You would die.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on
"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes."
What does a frog say when it washes car windows? Rub it rub it rub it.
Xbox exclusive games
What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't walk around Dublin thinking he's Bono
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass...
Viagra thieves did you hear about the viagra thieves? The cops are looking for a group of hardened criminals
I put my root beer into a square glass... now it's just beer.
If you open Pandora's Box you better at least buy her dinner.
Why did the hippie drown in the ocean? He was too far out.
If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.
Kim Khardasian and Kanye West named their children North West and Saint West. But to prove I'm a worse parent... I plan on naming my children...Kim Khardashian and Kanye West
I found a place with a 98% recycling rate /r/jokes
[in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I'll refrain from making any jokes about the Ashley Madison controversy... They're such an easy target, it might be considered cheating.
Somebody needs to figure out how to deep fry a salad.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
You can't say Happiness without... ... Penis.
David Cameron has said that Britain is prepared for a nuclear attack from North Korea. Dave mate, normally we aren't prepared for snow at winter.
What do Eskimo's and Ziploc bags have in common? They both like a tight seal.
Ever heard of an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? They lay awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
I'm sorry, I don't find you arousing. No hard feelings.
What's brown, squishy, and something a weak minded baby would eat weed brownies.
My friend is agoraphobic... ..it pairs nicely with his obsessive nudism.
What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy? A "no one will ever believe me".
What are the 4 dirtiest streets in Philadelphia? Turner, Front, Mascher, Cherry
Did you hear about the competition between Volvo and the other Swedish car manufacturer? It's all just a Saab story, really.
Put a load into the dryer and had to twist every dial to correct setting. I won't lie to you: it made me feel like a Space Captain
That's about as useful as... ...Anne Frank's drumkit.
Why did the hipster seal die? He was clubbing too hard (its a horrible joke I know, please punish my lack of comedic genius)
Remember when white people rioted when OJ was acquitted? neither do I.
The US asked Mexico how many illegal immigrants got into America each year... Mexico said- "Not Juan"
A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down... The bartender turns to him and says, "Get outta here. We don't serve your kind." Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
What do you call an incredibly well-dressed punk? The Speaker of the House
Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.
Daffy-nition for indefinitely... .... ... Indefinitely (adv.) In  def  in  it  lee .... .... .... When your balls are slapping up against her ass you're in definitely!
Modern fast food has a "fuck you" attitude that I relate to on a deeply personal level.
I always get worried when I hear Chris Brown has a new hit out. I bet it's an uppercut
IF It's a Hot Girl On Fb In India.. Damn It's A man IF a young Beautiful girl from India sent you a friend Request in Facebook please reject "HIM"
Saw my ex today getting beaten by 5 guys so I went there to help She couldn't stand against the six of us
Is this subreddit a vacuum? Because it sure does suck.
I identify as a Skywalker I guess you could call me Anakin.
What do you say when a Polish magician performs a magic trick? Nailed it
Why did spider-man cross the road? To get to the *web*site !! *ba-dum-tsss*
What kind of chocolate swims in the ocean? scubGodivas.
I thought Jayz and kanyes current song.... ...was about Ms Hilton's sequel to one night in Paris.
Never trust stairs, They're always up to something.
Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life? Myrrhder
My girlfriend told me she likes vaginal sex more than anal sex because it's a lot cleaner No shit
Fellas: Make it a Valentine's Day she'll always remember by simply forgetting it.
Dating Fails: Just Tell Me What You Want And Be Done With It a guy asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat he guess shusi and anything else then got mad and raged the end
What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart? One is a bar room, and the other is a *BARROOM!*
Would it be dangerous for a human to live 65 million years ago? You bet jurassic would.
My dictionary got into an argument with my thesaurus. They had words.
Why did the farmer cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
u have one (1) new dad. click here to accept Todd.
DA: Where r my legal briefs? Paralegal *hands him his boxers* Judge: lol Jury: We're hung Judge: ha! DA: Balls in your court Judge: DO MORE!
14 years ago tonight, a loaf of frozen reindeer shit fell from the sky & struck my father, killing him instantly.
What do you call a deer with no eyes no eye deer (i'll see myself out)
Did you hear about the midget psychic that escaped from jail? He's a small medium at large.
I picked up this chick in Rome. We had sex, said goodbye the next morning and gave her a hi five She gave me hi V
What's black, white, and too fast to see? The perfect mugging.
another bar joke a duck walks into a bar wearing a shoe. the bartender says, "so you lost a shoe?" and the duck says, "no, i found one"
What's the longest word in the world? Smiles. There's a mile between each 's'.
My Grandpa said,... "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
What do Pink Floyd and Dale SR. Have in common? Their last great hit was The Wall
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather. I am wearing a house.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine. Intellectual powerhouse. Right here.
A duck wearing a shoe walks into a bar The bartender says "Hey Duck, I think you lost a shoe" says the duck: "No, I found one"
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it!
Whos the funniest disney princess? raPUNzel *sits there laughing to self* ...so lonely..
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it.
Why don't black people dream? The last person that said "i had a dream" got shot
A man walks through the forest and sees a shark passing by ... the man asks 'Hey shark, shouldn't you rather be in an ocean?' Shark says 'Yeah, I should.'
If I have to drive more than 5 minutes to find a Starbucks, I consider myself in a third-world location.
[shitty joke incoming] A man just woke up from brain surgery... Where he got a brain tumor removed. When the doctor asked if he was okay he said he felt light headed.
People are like a crayons The white ones are useless.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads. 7yo: why do you need to be a bird? my 7yo is ready for twitter.
What do you call an elephant on drugs? Tranquilized.
"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying."
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
How high can Miss Piggy count? 68, because at 69 she gets a frog in her throat...
What's a nun's favorite fruit? cantaloupe
Her: OMG you're alive!!! I heard you bought the farm! ME: No no, I bought "a" farm. HER: but I told everyone you're dead! ME: That's fine
Who wrote "The Tiger's Revenge"? Claude Balls
What do you call a boring Muslim? Abdull.
Kids' complaints on vacation: - No wifi on beach - Sand is sandy - Ocean has salt in it - Lobsters? I want pizza. - Too outdoorsy outside
When is the only time you're not American? When European.
Brother: How do you top a car ? Sister: Tep on the brake tupid.
So my 10yr old & her friends were talkin about 'seizures' in class & this random kid yells out 'I LOVE their breadsticks!' Can I adopt him?
A positive parent.. A positive parent said to their negative child... Your grounded.
I have a confession to make, I am a lesbian... Trapped in a man's body.
How do you call a gay Jew? Heblew.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge? Tequila
I have a photographic memory it just hasn't developed yet
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
"Deodorant?" - Foreigners
What do witches ring for in a hotel? B-room  service.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word "epic" Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
what idiot named it erectile dysfunction instead of ballzheimer's
Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino? He was caught counting carbs.
TIL I have something in common with Russell Wilson. [We're both not having sex with Ciara](http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/russell-wilson-ciara-aren-sex-article-1.2283745)
"I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace" -Oysters
Here's a nice Jewish joke my Dad told me A Jewish kid asks his father for 20$. The father responds, "10$, what on earth do you need 5$ for, I'd be happy with 1$, here's a quarter."
What's something that you can catch but not throw? feelings. T.T
I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don't play the lottery.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Say, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert
Wanna hear a rape joke? No? That's what she said.
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
Why don't Jews go to Jupiter? Because it's a gas planet
How do you tell off a toilet? Tell them to eat shit.
Didja hear about this Calcutta couple who had a little baby girl looked just like a frog? They named her Polly-wog.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the "Ras" and slipping back into Russian politics.
So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.
The white girls were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of Ugg boots danced in their heads.
NBC TV is planning a new series, "Airline Tragedies" They are putting together the pilot right now.
reminder that Pop Secret was initially very poorly translated in Japan, where it was called "Deceptions of the Father"
A man has been killed after an E-cigarette exploded in his mouth. "His face was a complete mess." Said the coroner. "But his lungs were mint."
I waited a long time for my testicles to descend When one finally did I had an inaugural ball
Me: I must warn you, I'm like an animal in bed. Her: That's fine by me! *burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
To Doo List: 1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
How much does a rabbi charge for a circumcision? Nothing, he just keeps the tips.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta.
Star Wars Joke... If Finn hooks up with Rey... He would be the first stormtrooper to hit something EDIT: formatting
Shoutout to Beethoven!
Why was the Planters employee fired? He was fucking nuts.
How many lead trumpets does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, he just holds the light bulb up, and the world revolves around him.
Why don't jews have arranged marriage? They have no 'forced kin'. I'm so sorry
What is a Canadian's favourite letter? Eh?
Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.
Why don't Blacks and Mexicans have babies? Their kids would be too lazy to steal.
Why do men, on average, die before women? Because they want to.
White girls really love their Pumpkin Spice. Pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice candles, pumpkin spice president!
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: yes INTERVIEWER: holy shit
As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?" "Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked. "No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."
Being an ice cream delivery guy must be a cool job.
Chuck Norris caught all pokemons. With nokia 3310.
How do you circumcise a redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw.
What's the iPhone's favorite football team? The Chargers.
*Puts down phone* OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!
What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus? "Allahu Akbar!" I'm going to hell for this.
weed is a gateway drug. cocaine's a compaq drug. ecstasy is made by hp. heroin is from the guys that do the plastic computers in model homes
What driver doesn't have a  license? A screw driver.
It's great that every Playmate "just wants a guy that makes them laugh", because I want a chick with fake boobs that can't form a sentence.
My mom likes to call from baseball games just to say she can't hear me 25 times.
Why didn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box.
If i was stranded on an island with a fully functioning plane and a runaway,, I'd still be stranded on an island.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Badum, ssssshhhhhhh
What keeps fish from flying of Niagara Falls? They don't have a pilots license.
Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay. Mom: *gasp* Dad: *clenches fists* Mom: Honey, stop! Dad: *steps forward* Mom: N- Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD.
I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it
What do you call a cockroach filing a complaint? A Bug report
I've been locked in a room to cure my acne. I haven't broken out yet.
What causes German Earthquakes? Teutonic Plates. I'm sorry I'll find my own way out
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Stop supporting Russian companies! I hear they all use Slav labor!
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he's no good in bed anyway.
What did the one suicide bomber say to the other.... Baby you're a firework.
Did you hear about the man with five penises? His condom fitted like a glove.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Did you hear about the Meat Packing CEO? He built his empire from the ground up. Ground up meat.
Once I get tan this summer there's going to be literally only one thing that can stop me: simple carbohydrates
SSBM players: what's it called when Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardi shoot up a school? Columshine
What do you call it when a male mathematician imagines himself having an orgasm? Squirt(-1).
What did the male cat say to the female cat. Damn girl you looking feline.
Have you heard about the guy who had his whole left side amputated? I heard he is all right now.
Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
Do you know how electricity works? The truth may shock you.
A man went to the movie.. A man went to the movie theater's ticket window a second time and said, "One more." "For The Hobbit?" the ticket vendor asked. "No," the man replied, "That's my girlfriend."
I told my boyfriend to "Stop paying games with my card" He said shut up!, i hate Backstreet boys.
There are two major differences between beer and women. When you take the top off a beer, it can't change its' mind, and it can easily be bought and replaced.
Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt. Well, that and sex.
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby sitting next to a kid with downsyndrome.
England can't win anything. Brazil took away their top spot of Most Embarrassing team.
What's my favorite pirate workout and cereal? Captain Crunch
LOL at people who "love seafood" but won't even eat a silverfish
Now that "twerking" is in the Oxford dictionary, we probably can go back to grunting and hitting things to communicate.
poor guy. The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries... Until I unpacked them all &amp; said, "That's how I want you to do it."
Anyone else here able to spell "condescending narcissist" correctly on the first try? Yeah, I didn't think so.
I've never understood the whole 'burying people for fun at the beach'. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
[NSFW] What's an English man's favourite sexual activity? Teabagging
What do you call a fish out of water? Asians? Idk it's been a rough day.
If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor
Wanna hear a joke? Politics.
He thought I wore a size two. A size two?! I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.
They should make supermarket camouflage. So people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.
Maybe Aliens don't visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.
In a recent football game, a player sustained injuries, and the manager was fired after sending on the wrong player to replace him. Whoops, wrong sub.
Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today The Situation does not look good legally.
I agree with Trump and Clinton, Neither one is qualified to be president.
What do you call a fat guy who jumps around buildings? "Poor core"
"WHAT THE HELL? WHERE'S THE OTHER, SMALLER VERSION OF THIS PERSON?"--Russian surgeon's 1st time cutting a patient open
Chuck Norris went down to the crossroads just to pimp-slap the devil.
so an athlete tries doping for the first time for not getting caught, he runs slow.
I just paid to have my house exorcised... But I couldn't keep up with the repayments - so my house got Repossessed.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter* Her: Did you want to buy that? Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I have a rain fetish. It really gets me wet.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute? i'm serious... help.
How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a swimming pool.
Why can a Cheetah not hide? Because it's always spotted.
Two dyslexic bank robbers attempted to rob the local bank today. (NSFW) They ran in and said "Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!!"
Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his Vasectomy? If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.
Why can't Helen Keller drive? ...Because she's dead.
I like to use Rock, paper scissors to make all my binary choices. Like what gender I am
People who are afraid of pedophiles Need to grow up
Mom joke I told my friend I started going out with an older woman,so he asked her age. I told it was 42,when he replied wow she could be your mom. I just answered :yes,but she is yours.
If rivers could speak, which river would always say no? Da Nile
What does a rotting corpse say? idk
*Attempts to use 'I have a boyfriend' meme* Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Q: What do you get when you cross and Chinese  and a Mexican man? A: A car thief who can't drive!
Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?
How do you detach frogs leg You Ribbit
What do you call it when an Asian composer really needs the bathroom? Rover Flows Out Of You.
A father asks his son "Son, why are you not hanging out with Mark any more?" "Would you want to hang out with someone who is drunk and does drugs every day?" "Of course not!" "Well, neither does he."
I remember your face, and I even remember what we talked about, but what the hell was your name again?!
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said " son thats 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you"
None of the women liked Richard William Soft He's Dick Willy Soft
I'm not lazy I chose to use my creative genius on mastering efficiency
Where does a dog go when his tail falls off? The retail store
What did one wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner.
One I made up..... What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle? A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.
What does God have in common with Black Fathers?
Wired: "Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Amazon: "We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?"
Hitler was a charitable guy. He backed Japan when they needed help in WW2.
How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Just have the keybord player do it with their left hand.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
If I ever had the chance to name a new road, I'd call it "Skin Road". Just so I could laugh at the people living at number 4
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool. Credit to my 15 yo son who made this one up. I'm fairly certain he browses Reddit but he wouldn't admit it to me.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to pick up the phone and call some other asshole to do it.
If Ted Kennedy Dan Quayle Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest which one would win? Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked the problem out with a pencil.
i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash
What's a frat boy's favorite toy company? Hasbrah.
Boy calls911 Boy calls 911. Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
Two angels run out of weed... One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."
What do you call a judge that doesn't have any fingers? Justice Thumbs
My friend asked me why I haven't texted him in such a long while, I replied, "My phone screen broke and now it's completely unusable... so I lost touch."
BAD BOOMERANG Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A: A stick.
A serial killer walks into a bar... ... And becomes the bartender.
Telling a girl to calm down: works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
Pregnant Eskimo What did the eskimo say when her water broke? Oh no, my ice cracked!
How does Moses make his coffee? He-brews it
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the  Empire State Building which would jump off first? The quarter because it has less sense (cents).
Women's magazines are so funny. 1: You're beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
i like languages that pronounce all the letters in their spellings. no secrets, just each word an open faced sandwich
If 'womb' is pronounced as 'woom' and 'tomb, as' 'toom' Shouldn't 'bomb' be pronounced 'boom'?
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
What does the cabbage merchant use to fix his cabbages? A cabbage patch! - Sokka
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, "how did the job interview go?" in front of everyone.
I sold my vacuum the other day... all it was doing was collecting dust!
I told the wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was good, but the RECEPTION was great!
Q: How do you make a hot dog stand? A: Take away its chair.
How many people with Alzheimer's did it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.
Why couldn't Joe be friends with a double-amputee? Because he's lack-toes intolerant.
Why did the boy fail to become a footballer ? He didn't have any goal in his life
This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
How do Chinese name their kids? They throw silverware on the ground!
Q: What kind of letters would you send to capital cities? A: Capital letters.
If you've never seen Bear Grylls before... Urine for a treat
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas Gloves. Only joking he's not opened his presents yet.
Did you hear about the woman with guns for tits? She was pretty Barrel-Chested.
The people in commercials care about me & want to help.
Why are so many Italians named Tony? Because on the boat over to America their shirts said To N.Y.
Kentucky Derby trivia - Why don't female jockeys shave their pussies? They like their fur long! I'll show myself out...
My mum brought a stepladder home yesterday, but it's just not the same as my REAL ladder.
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.
biggest lie in the word. i love wife
How does Shrek describe his sex with Fiona? Medi-Ogre
This is why we're screwed. Quotes in the word of your god.
My 11 year old cousin just told me this knee-slapper What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? "Damn"
*gazing at the ocean* God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation. Angel: I'm sorr- God: SORRY DOESN'T FIX THIS MESS
Crazy girls are like a street vendor's kebab Hot, jucy, and dangerous.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media. Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
Parallel lines have so much in common It's a shame they'll never meet
What is the best place for politicians? Election posters. There they are portable, silent and easy to remove.
Punctuality is important. It's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he's already done it.
Well, well, well, if it isn't my inability to cope with life.
How are UFC and gay porn similar. Both involve sweaty men pounding eachother.
How do you get an elephant into a Safeway shopping cart? You take the 'S' out of Safe, and the 'F' out of Way.
His First Blow Job A teenage boy comes home excited and says, "Dad! I just had my first blowjob!" The father says, "That's great, son. How was it?" "Tasted awful."
You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans That's crossing the border.
A man goes to the zoo, As he walks around he see's only one animal, a dog. It's a schitzu
What do Hillary Clinton supporters and Eminem have in common? When you tell them that you want to see proof, all they can do is tell you about it!
John Travolta and Nicolas Cage walk into a bar... The barman says, "Why the wrong face?"
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you're an inmate & tweeting from prison.
If a Prius goes into a drift... Does that mean it's the electric slide?
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?  A: Turkey.
TIFU by mixing up my sub order at subway. Whoops, wrong sub.
Why did Romeo and Juliet break up? They were in a **toxic** relationship!
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I've been smiling all day.
What do Japanese guys do when they have erections? Vote
What part of a fish weighs the most ?  It's scales !
I wanted to be a tailor. But I didn't suit the job.
The jokes on pregnancy are not easy to get... It's pretty much inside jokes.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My girlfriends 2 year old nephew loves trucks. His first word was truck. He points at every truck he sees and talks about trucks in his sleep. I guess you could day he's semi crazy
What did Matthew McConaughey have to say about the 2016 Oscar-winner's line-up? All white, all white, all white!
ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN FRIEND: oh cool how was it ME: WHAT
I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide... ...you can call me Ed G.
"My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects..."
For Christmas, every year, I get my wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.
What's the difference between USB and USA? One connects to all your devices and access your data, one connects to all your devices and access your data.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Whats the only bad thing about head from an anorexic girl? She won't swallow
Wearing crocs is like being blown by a dude... It feels great until you look down and realize that you're gay.
I accidentally jerked off to a picture of my mom this morning... I mean its really not my fault though, most babies look alike.
My wife asked me what I wanted to do for Easter So I told her "The same thing Jesus did. Disappear on Friday and come back on Sunday."
So i had my first child... * Me: Oh my god! what are you doing?? * Doctor: What? im suppose to slap her in the ass after the birth, no? * Me: You suppose to slap the baby!!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Is Viagra classified as a soft drug, or a hard drug?
When I was a kid, I once stayed up all night to see where the sun went Then it dawned on me
Reeva Steenkamp deserved to be shot she shouldn't have been using the disabled toilet. Jimmy Carr.
Why don't hipsters like rivers? Too mainstream
*Sees dead cat on the road. Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.
Patron: Didn't you tell me the chef here  cooked for the late heads of Europe? Waiter: Yes and that's why they are the late heads of Europe.
My mate lent me 5000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit. Cunt stole my limelight.
Bill Gates has now donated enough money to charity that he lost his billionaire status. He now goes by Mill Gates.
What do you say about a man with premature ejaculation and severe diarrhea? Easy come; easy go.
Crossword clue: F**k, used by Gordon Ramsay a lot more than the average person Fork
Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is? Mycoxafloppin.
It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad. You would have such big shoes to fill
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I thought the sea urchin was my friend but it was anemone.
Me: Sit. Dog: (confused dog look) Me: Stay! Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women...
My ex is like Hurricane Katrina... She fucked New Orleans too.
I make my kids drink tap water because I feel their chances of gaining unexplained super powers are greater with tap.
Instagram: "Look at my sushi!" Vine: "Look at my sushi for six seconds!"
I have no regrets. By which I mean I regret not saying no more often.
While I fully intended to "sleep my way to the top," it appears I've napped my way to the middle.
Why are gay guys the first to check out of a hotel in the morning? Because they had their shit packed the night before
meat what is the chepist type of meat? deer balls because there under a buck.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
missing someone one Valentine's Day joke with your self when you missing someone and think they will come back but other person ignoring you and you think they will come back to you one day...
Why is Bernie Sanders seems like having a long nose? because AIR IS FREE
Why did the tear testify in court? Because he was an eye wetness.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi] ME-what do I do with this? W-eat it lol M-all of it? W-yes M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
What do you call a couple, who are both in wheelchairs? A pair of polegics!
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
How many clones of president Obama does it take to change a lightbulb? What a stupid question: Obama won't change jack shit.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she was adopted.
What does a prostitute ask a man with his mouthful? Come again?
It costs more to make a penny than a penny is actually worth. I don't get, why do we make the penny? It doesn't make any cents. Thanks, I'm here all night.
I'm terrified of elevators I take steps to avoid them
What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)
What is it called when you get sick from gaming on the internet? YouTuberculosis.
Your mother is so big that... ...when she is in a plane it makes a solar eclipse.
"Have a seat" *Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.* "Dad I..." **Dad puts up hand* "Please don't call me that."
I find gardeners to be very nice people They're really down to earth.
Why did sodium stay home all day? Because when helium invited sodium and potassium to the mall, potassium said *K* but all sodium could say was *Na*.
Why do lesbians always win against journalists? Scissors beats paper.
What is Marlon Brando's favorite beer? STELLA!
Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side.
Every Saturday is like an episode of CSI... I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
911: What's your emergency? Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?! 911: Be cool Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
Negative Million Dollar Idea: devote a large portion of your 20s and 30s in pursuit of vague creative oriented career ambitions.
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai don't broadcast the Flintstones but AbuDhabidooooooooo
ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon
"10 Things I Hate About You" is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants The bartender asks whats up with the wheel on his pants. The pirate responds with "Yarr, it's driving me nuts."
My Chinese friend died today... So Yung
When I can't think if a joke I just masturbate and it cums to me
Sorry Im late, I was staring at a wall for an hour thinkin about how delicious that pizza looked on Home Alone 2 when Kevin got in the limo.
I don't like public bathrooms because people look at me weird when I fully submerge my penis in urinal water to pee.
Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? A. "Thanks for the refill!"
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a hooker with diarrhea? You shuck the oyster between fits.
Rape is not a laughing matter. Unless your raping a clown. (Probably been posted here a 1000 times but it still cracks me up)
Husband: I love you. Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My keyboard squeaks and so does my mouse.
Three blondes walked into a building you'd think one of them would have seen it...
I wanted to get my sex change reversed from a woman back to being a man... ...but I didn't have the balls to go through with it.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is bullshit!
" You drink too much milk.", said the doctor Your blood is now milk.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume.
So the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop And he says "Can you make me one with everything"
A mexican, African American and Muslim walk into a bar.... They see that Donald Trump and a group of his supporters are there, so they get they quickly get the fuck out there.
What do programmers and taxi drivers have in common? They both need a *break* every once in a *while*. edit: this is a three-way pun btw - it works better out loud
What did Abe Lincoln say when he was arrested? I'm-in-a-cent!
My mule is pretty lazy... ... Always doing half-assed work.
What's orange and sounds like a carrot!!!???? A snowman blowing his nose!!!!!!!!
Football legend Michael Owen has announced he's releasing a new fragrance It's going to be called "My Cologne".
So the current Prime Minister of the UK just blocked compulsory sex education in schools.. I guess he doesn't want children to be able to identify a cunt.
After you're done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I've only missed one day.
What do you call a politician with their head up their ass? David Cameron.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
A lot of people say that Kim Jong Un is an unfit leader... but I ran a half marathon alongside him, and he finished in a pretty respectable time
Did you hear that the Post Office had to  recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were  confused about which side to spit on.
Jared Fogle isn't happy with his prison sentence. He requested a transfer to juvenile prison.
The supplement store said they were out of protein powder... 'No Whey!' I said
What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.
A mother publicly argued with his son... ...Somewhere along the lines, the mother yelled to his son: "You motherfucker!" The first thought that came to my mind was "Wow, that's a Lil TMI for me"
I shot a man in Reno, Just to watch him cry. It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Married life - Honey, are you jealous? - Nope! - Admit it, you're jealous! - I told you, I am not! - Then give me a kiss! - GO KISS THAT UGLY-ASS WHORE WHO LIKED YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS!
The Rabbit and the Seagull On a long summer day, a fat man was walking down Michigan Avenue. A black guy ran up to him and said, "........
Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on  Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
Waiter what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been but what is it now?
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl.... not on my watch.
What's the difference between a 10 year old and a stripper? .... you better fuqing know you sick fuck!
Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise but it's hard to get them to work.
Adderall is really dangerous I'm not sure exactly what happened: I took some, and then I must have blacked out or something... all I know is that I'm a grad student now
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I'LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE Husband: *dies laughing*
I prayed for snow on my wedding... No snow, but I did get 6 inches on my honeymoon.
What do you call a Blonde doing a handstand? NSFW A Brunette with bad breath.
*hostage situation* Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out... NO DON'T COME IN HERE
What's the motto of the Mexican army? An Army of Juan
What do you call a European using the bathroom? 'You're-a-peein"
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Girls are like Math problems If they are under 18 , it's better to do them in your head.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 2.) prisoner of war beard 3.) homeless person beard 4.) wizard beard
I'm going to run errands, need anything? "Yes, some new light bulbs" Why, our current bulbs are too heavy? "And a good divorce lawyer"
The Asian father reads his son's report card, where he finds a "B". "B is for Burger King, where YOU'LL WORK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"
What did the perverted frog say? Rubbit
Why did the police beat the black man after he was executed in the electric chair? He was resisting.
When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[at my house after 1st date] me: so, do you wanna have some sex? her: well, I don't normally do this...but I think I'll pass
What type of curry sets fire to the rain? A-Dhal
What's the difference between a tsunami and a bear? A tsunami doesn't care that you are faster than your buddy.
I had sex and all I got were these kids.
why did the computer go to the cafe?, and who is the king of the classroom? to get a byte, and the ruler!!! my one sub teacher tells absolutely terrible jokes everytime we have her!
How do you pick up a jew? Dust pan and brush
What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie? IT'S FUCKING FROZEN
I lost multiple times in Bridge Tourney today I'm muslim and I kept playing NT
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I used to steal famous comedian's jokes I still do, but I used to too.
Why is a fire truck always red? Cause you'd be mad too if someone kept pulling your hose.
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his butt.
"My bad" and "I'm sorry" mean the same thing Unless you're at a funeral. Added source: https://m.vk.com/wall-55955185_3834
Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play? Because hot dogs are the wurst!
Why are antivax parents so afraid of their kids getting autism? Because they know, first hand, how hard life is when you're a fucking retard.
I love, love, love when sports fans are homophobic. "I don't want any gay people around while I'm staring at men for hours"
If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
What's a barber's favourite kind of holiday? Cruising on a clipper.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn't burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
What did batman tell robin before they got in the car? Get in the car.
What separates humans and animals? The Mediterranean sea.
Solitary Theoretical Physicist Proves Solipsistic Reality... Unfortunately, he won't publish his research because he doesn't trust peer review.
What did dick say to the condom? I'm going in cover me !
Want to piss off a female archeologist? Show her a used tampon and ask what period it's from. Wakka wakka!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Why do women have orgasms? Because it's just another chance for them to moan.
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Swan
I'm so pro-life, I believe life begins at erection.
To those who want to join the conversation. Don't.
Unlike the British or Australian spelling for colour/favour/neighbour, the Americans don't include u because it's all about them.
I almost got into an accident with someone who was texting and driving... luckily I braked just in time or else I would've spilt my beer.
So two fish are in a tank... One fish turns to the other fish and says "Alright, you drive. I'll man the gun!" Get it? Because they're in a *tank*.
MONDAY: BROUGHT TO YOU BY A GENEROUS GRANT FROM THE FUCK THIS SHIT FOUNDATION
A young boy got expelled for the using the C word in class The principal asked him "That wasn't clever, was it?" The boy replied " No, it was cunt"
A batman joke Batman and Robin are walking down the street. Robin: Hey Batman, can I tell you a joke? Batman: Sure, Robin. R: Knock, knock B: Who's there? R: NOT YOUR PARENTS
I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists. I'm going to call it Boko Harambe
I wrote a theatrical performance on puns Really, it was just a play on words.
iPhone 7 Plus Bend Test ..lol! iPhone 7 Plus Bend Test Funny with suspense :p https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70V57UBIt7o great music though lol..
You can't put a price on slippery lemons.
Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.
Why Does Waldo Wear Stripes? Because he doesn't want to be SPOTTED!!!
Some Doctors see Private Clients Other Doctors see their Client's Privates.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Winning the lottery is a 50/50 chance You either win..... Or you don't
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Clinton ! Clinton who ? Clinton your eye !
What is the name of the martial arts discipline that the anime girl that you are in love with practices? Wai fu.
Where do burgers go to dance At the MEATBALL U !FOOKERS!
What do cows like to line dance to ? Any kind of moosic you like !
"Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I was eating out this girl the other day and there was Horse semen in there and I was like "Damn,Grandma that is how you died"
What's the difference between anal and a refrigerator? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
DONALD TRUMP DROPPED OUT!! April Fools :(
How does every racist joke start? By looking over your shoulder
What did the baker say after he found the dough he had lost? That's just what I kneaded!
Sorry I called you "sexy" and didn't really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photo-booth!
You want to know the only thing wrong with rap music? It doesn't have a C in front of it.
When I was a kid, I thought Reader's Digest recommended the best books to eat
What is 6 afraid of 7? Because size matters.
Two mormons walk into a bar...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The bar collapses from the weight and becomes a black hole \*BA DUM TSSS\*
I always wondered why a Frisbee looks like it gets bigger &amp; bigger the closer it comes to you.. and then it hit me.
Have you seen www.quicksand.com? Yes but it hasn't sunk in yet.
How old do I look? 9yo: 30 Aww, you deserve ice crea- 9yo: Just like grandma -m but too bad you're not getting any
I'm not saying I hate you... but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Two friends meet after a long time. First one: Hey, you have changed a lot. Second: Yes, I just updated my software to latest version.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say "Are you ready to take this sh*t to a  whole new level?"
I wanted to hire a marsupial butler... but none of the applicants were koala-fied.
Knock-knock. Who's there? Disapointing Frog. Disappointing Frog who? This joke doesn't have a punchline.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice... Call her fat once and she will never forget. That's because elephants never forget.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there's no better excuse to ignore someone.
I'm just like my couch 17 years old and I never pull out
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[Hoth Rebel Base] Leia: How's Skywalker? Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him. Leia: And, now? Han: Lukewarm. Leia: ... Han: Hehehe
Jay-Z's voice is so beautiful. I wish he rapped about stuff I cared about.
Two antenna met on a roof... fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was *excellent*.
What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge? "Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.
What is the Mexicans favorite credit card company? Capital Juan
What will happen if somebody were to kill all Scotsmen? They will get off scot-free.
Be careful of black ice. I rode my bike over some black ice once. I slipped and fell off, and when I looked up, my bike was gone.
My gran once had a bad stroke, so i screamed "its not fucking good enough" and pushed her into the bunker
"Sorry I didn't have a chance to clean up the place," I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. 
What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?
how are high schoolers similar to women? they're always asking "when will this period be over?"
I asked my wife what to wear to this black tie event. She said "When in Rome". So, I'm going as a naked, terrified Christian. With a tie.
First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's  hanging out. Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your necktie!
Age 20: "You free for lunch?" "Yeah, meet you there now." Age 30: "You free for lunch?" "Yes, let's schedule it in for 3 weeks from now."
I like my women just like my beer. Bound together with plastic.
For me, girls are like blackjack... I try to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
What does a deaf math nerd speak? Sine language.
Have you heard the one about the sick chemist? If you can't helium and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.
Did you hear about the crazy train that went on a killing spree? Authorities believe it had a loco motive.
Maybe a repost but still one of my favorites [Deleted]
My German plumber accidentally hooked up a gas pipe to my shower Old habits die hard
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Five.
What do guys like but are afraid of? Girls
Did you hear about the Mechanic who slept under the car? He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.
I don't understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
How does a comedian like his eggs? Funny side up
What's the objective of Jewish football? To get the quarterback.
She called me ugly I called her an ambulance
How to Feed Elephants by P. Nutts
Yo mama's so fat.. ..that she takes a selfie in panorama
Facebook is developing a phone. And MySpace is working on a telegram
With the PSN down I've had a chance to speak to my children... They seem nice
Mexicans and Muslims have a lot in common now... If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
I'm not gay... But I'm starting to get suspicious that my boyfriend may be! This one was dropped on me by my 10 y/o cousin yesterday.
Today I brought a computer back from the dead. I've decided that this makes me a techromancer.
Where was Jar Jar Binks in the new Star Wars movie? Answer: Who gives a fuck?
Here's one myfriend's little sister told me. Why can't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent.
When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. ... ... not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me? Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.
A radio said to the female radio... -Let's make some some baby radios! To which the female radio replied: -I can't, I am stereo
What do you call a drunk Muslim? Muhammered.
Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to.
Can we pretend that shooting stars in the night sky are like airplanes? I could sure use comfort that we won't get hit by a meteorite.
What do you call it when everyone is behaving on a cruise ship? Cruise control. LOL fuck everyone hahahaha 666SATAN666
Trump's foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn't read the book. "Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!"
What's the difference between a teenage whore and a Big Mac. One has meat wedged between its buns, and the other's a Big Mac.
I got my head cut off [removed]
Donald Trump can't take any criticism... At this point he's such a pussy about it he may as well just grab himself.
What do you call a little girl who's very close to her dog? Nina
Why do we have oceans? Because based god and acid god had a baby.
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their biggest hit was the wall
You can now experience skydiving without a parachute! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity!
A horse walks into a bar... A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse says "I have AIDS."
I picked up a tub of ice cream and a tub of light ice cream They weighed the same.
Secret to wine tasting is to open the bottle and allowing it to breathe If it doesn't look like it is breathing, then give it a mouth-to-mouth
This just in. My fingers.
"Lord of the Rings" seems like kind of a racist book. It doesn't even have a Tolkien black guy.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they stink.
Abortion jokes never get old.
What are some good deli related jokes? I need some good jokes about deli and or the meats and cheeses sold in them.
What do you call a person with no arms and no legs? Fucked.
How do you cook a stoned ham? 420F Glaze it Ok I'm leaving
That's it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I'm going to say "no, I'm just sleeping around".
I was just casually strolling down the street... and suddenly when I looked up, I saw a baseball getting bigger and bigger, and I was wondering why that was. Then it hit me.
What do you say when you're comforting a grammar Nazi? There, their, they're.
I really love spicy foods ...but the Ghost pepper is my a-chilis heel.
Penis jokes are not funny especially the short ones.
You could call a woman beautiful 100 times and she'll never remember it. But call her ugly once and she'll never forget it. You know why? Because an elephant never forgets.
I didn't see my face anywhere as a kid... ...then I realised it was right under my nose the whole time!
What did the Dead Head say, after he ran out of weed? "Damn, this music sucks!"
If it weren't for dating sites, I'd still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it's all gone now.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If Jesus suddenly appeared today... I bet he would really hate nail guns.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I have a joke Susan Boyle
After a thorough diagnosis, my doctor couldn't figure out the cause of my uncontrolled flatulence... When I asked him what the problem was, he told me "Your gas is as good as mine."
Did you know, that we eat more bananas than monkeys? Last year the UK ate 76,500,000 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.
Why did the suicide bomber not show up to work? He got mad at the wrong alarm clock.
What did the young boy say to the pedophile who's dick was soft? Nothing, he died choking on cum.
What's do 9v batteries and buttholes have in common? You aren't supposed to lick them, but you do anyway.
What do you call a stoner working at a repair shop? High maintenance
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside ? A mouse sandwich !
if a blonde and a Asian girl would jump off a bridge who would land first? The Asian girl because the blonde would stop and ask for directions.
What is the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian? A Ritz is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker
What do you call the god of cheese? Cheesus
Roses are red, violets are blue In Soviet Russia Poem writes you
50 Cent has about 50 cents left
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date... OMg!
What do you call a gay paraplegic? Rolaids.
I just watched the girl next to me google "lack toast and tolerant symptoms" Symptoms: you have no toast but it's totally tolerable.
Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre? To go to the second hand shop
Which character of Pokemon is a jew? Ash
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does."
Have you ever tried eating a clock? I don't recommend it, it's quite time consuming.
Most people in America seem to always wanna prove that they're right! Left-wingers hate it.
I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past. Stupid memory foam...
For such a picky eater, I'm certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Argon walks into a bar The bartender kicks him out. Argon doesn't react.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ... Buh dum pshh!
What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend? They wipe, flush, and wash their hands
Pedophiles... are fucking immature assholes
The NFL these days Hide yo kids, hide yo wife
What did the Asian janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
So here i am sitting at a bar when a beat up blonde walks in. She ran into many bars.
my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks
Woman driver is like a star on the sky You see her, she doesn't see you.
*Moses opens tablet* You have TEN unread commandments.
Why do the Lannisters have such large beds? They put two twins together to make a king.
Why can't Z generationers swim? Their phones would get wet.
Guys, we should stop making fun of fat people. They have too much on their plates already.
'Active' shower gel because I have no idea what active smells like.
A blonde walks into a bar yelling, "65 days!" A guy asks her, "What's in 65 days?" The blonde replies, "I completed the puzzle in 65 days! The box said 2 to 4 years!"
What's the difference between testicles and a penis? Wow. I can't believe you don't know this. There is a Vas Deferens between the two.
For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.
I told my mom about caching. She said it sounds expensive.
If you're angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it's not me please add "Not you Jim." at the end. Thank you.
What do gay alligators eat for breakfast? Cockadiles
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field
I'm the kind of guy who would feel morally obligated to eat what I kill... So please don't try to rob my house...
Helicopter flying above my apartment. I wanna go out in my hoodie and start running like a thief.
What do you call a fake noodle? an impasta...
FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters. "Here's change of 50 and that's 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap."
So i just came back from a transformers convention... ...and boy, are my arms tires!
iPhones need a feature where an incoming call doesn't take up the whole screen so u can do other things while u ignore a phone call
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer "all sales are vinyl" until I was fired. It would be worth it.
I went to the bar with my 21 year old girlfriend... They called me a pedophile because I was 42. That totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
What is the cheapest way to get a slut? Give her $300 and ask for the $299 discount.
Good cop "If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal..." Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
One from my half asleep Girlfriend What happend to the guys who kidnapped Batman? They got Bale.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let's do this bro
I really don't know how to put this but I think I am allergic either to peanut butter or dog saliva.
Why did Germany win so many battles in WW I? They had baron.
*Sexist Warning* "Why is it called a waist?" Because you can easily fit another pair of tits on there
My friends told me to stop being a flamingo I decided to put my foot down!
What did Mike Tyson call the groom with cold feet? A Puthy
I banged my teenage daughter last night... In the head accidentally with a basketball.
I used to so drugs in the 90s but now I usually turn the AC on
Where does a fish keep it's money? The river bank.
I'm thinking about taking a break from drinking . I hear drinking too much water can be deadly
Probably the filthiest joke out there A guy was going down on a woman when he tastes horse semen. He turns to the woman and says "Damn Grandma, so that's how you died!"
Has anyone ever tried Ethiopian food? neither have they
What's the thing in common between your girlfriend starting the pill and the muisic group Europe? It's the final condom... Ta da da da...
What do you call a hollow dachshund? Holloween. (*Please don't report me)
So I heard Russia banned Scientology... I guess they're not Putin up with that.
Wow I'm hungry. I haven't eaten all year.
An ice bucket challenge ... But for when teenagers don't want to get out of bed and get ready for school.
I gave my car some heroine and now it's a plane. Too bad it will eventually crash.
Watching Whitney Houston's funeral Was like watching every Tyler Perry movie at once
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
"Did you do your homework?" "Did you grade my test?" "I have other student's tests to grade." "I have other teacher's homework to do."
Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words!
If she's wong.... she cant be white.
Do you know Andy Griffith's wife? OP's mom
The inflight movie on my trip home was Pixels. We had two walk outs.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fcuker survived the crash.
I think the professor wants us to skip most of this essay Or maybe I'm just jumping to a conclusion.
What's pretty and expensive but has no use? Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.
I am the Cuba Gooding Jr. of succeeding at something every 8-10 years or so...
If you combined all the female rap artists, what would you get? Nicki Melange
Why did the guitar player get arrested He was fingering a minor
You should never take what a sea monsters says seriously. They're always Kraken jokes.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
A statistician has half his body encased in ice and the other half engulfed in flames. So on average, they felt fine.
I wish my lawn was emo Then it would cut itself.
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company.
Me: Thank you! Cashier: You have a good one! Me: That's the rumor! Cashier: ...
A dung beetle walks into a bar. He says, "Is this stool taken?"
A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. You look down." The photon says, "You can see that, yes."
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks
You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
Twat did you say? I cunt hear you. Iv got an ear infucktion. Better assk again.
Somebody complimented me in my driving today... They left a little note on the windshield, it said "Parking Fine."
I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.
I knew a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds funny, dozen tit?
Egg puns This eggcellent thread should have all the egg related yokes you can think of. Bring it on.
Pluto wanted to throw Earth a birthday party on New Year's Eve But he forgot to planet
The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house And I thought to myself "that could've been me" Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus
Everyone stop writing movies. Hollywood is just going to make every movie again every 13 years until we all die
I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you," in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I'm writing a book called "Stop Overreacting". If you guys don't buy it I'm going to kill myself.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?
How many anti-social teens does it take to ignore a burned-out light bulb? None of your fuckin business!
  ! #16 UgarUp    2015  2015 ...
Why couldn't the bike stand on it's own? Because it was two tired.
Why is the letter T like an island? Because its in the middle of water!!!
Today is the coldest day of the year... And the warmest, shortest, longest, driest and most wet.
OP worked at a pizza restaurant OP delivered  ^^^^^^pizza
What is the frequency of a broken tailbone? My butt Hz.
Did you see that new porno for necrophiliacs? It's called "Sex Feet Under".
A White Guy. If a white guy is surrounded by 3 black guys, he's getting robbed. 30 black guys, he's a football coach. 300 black guys he's a prison guard.
I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test... ...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
What does 83 year old pussy taste like? Depends
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always "no MSG" me back
Women these days.....some of their eyebrows looks like they are sponsored by NIKE.
What do you call an alcoholic Mormon? An oxymormon
How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
They shouldn't be called Alligators they should be called AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHlligators! I made this one myself.
My wife did 70 chores around the house Cooking and 69.
What to you call a cow with no legs... Ground beef
I went to the zoo today, and the only animal it had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
A B-grade nursing student asked the Professor of Urology for his opinion of her "Urinate"
[Robbery] Sloth Man: I'll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep. *Runs to bank* *Reaches bank 18 hrs later* SM: How'd they escape?
I am a unicorn hunter You don't see any unicorns around do you?
Sex is like Poker... If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!
The other day I tell my wife, "when I look into the mirror I only see an old fat man, I need you to make me feel better about myself." She says "you have perfect eyesight." - Norm MacDonald
My wife, girlfriend, and slampiece walk into a bar I'm pretty glad I'm not there right now.
Hush little baby, Don't say a word. Daddy's gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn't have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.
What language do they speak in Holland? Hollandaise.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
A rehabilitated crack addict says to his doctor: "I'm going to stay clean this time" The doctor replied: "I'm afraid that's just a pipe dream"
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, "well I'm bored,let's go brush our teeth" in mid convo
If kittens tasted like pizza I would totally be a cat person.
It's Autism Awareness Day Just letting you all know
What's the nastiest part about having sex with someone's grandma? Well, that DependsTM
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Why do people keep building so many new mausoleums? Because people are dying to get in.
A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
What did Mr. T start eating when he went on a diet? Tofoo [7]
A young woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms. Don't want to get pregnant? Says the cashier. "Nope, my boyfriend doesn't want any shit on his cock."
What did the Native American do after culinary school? He became a Souix chef.
If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies" I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I'll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
What's the difference between Baptists and Methodists? Methodists will make eye contact at the liquor store.
I got two packs o' sugar... Call me Two Canes ^I'm ^sorry.
When you realize... The Ghostbusters (2016) budget was 153 million dollars. *facepalm*
NSFW Why are vaginas and assholes so close together? So that you can carry a woman like a 6-pack of beer.
An anvil walks into a bar.. The bartender asks him, would you like a beer? The anvil answers: "No thanks, I'm already hammered."
What did Spock find in the toilet? Captain's log.
Three-legged dog A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Dug
Why did the laptop memory have such a hard time in school? Because he was SO-DIMM!
My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall. I said "maybe"
So I went to the bank to check my balance Next thing I know, the teller pushes me.
A Rabbi, a Catholic Priest and a Salesman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this a joke?"
I just sold Viagra to a guy who thinks it's ambien He's going to be up all night
What do you call an immigrant without green card that can't see Illegally blind
What is a dead giveaway someone has no idea what they are doing? They have an engineering degree.
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a very large bill.
Joke of the year. /r/politics
What did the drifter say to the person he hit ? RIP my E-brake
I just rode the scariest ride called SPIDER DESCENDING FROM THE CEILING OF MY CAR INTO MY LAP WHILE DRIVING 70 MPH
Knock knock... Who's there? An owl says...
Pretty rude of my boyfriends' wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but I have no idea how they get in there.
How to start an internet fight: 1. Write a comment 2. Wait
Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles? So his wife won't get pregnant
My small child told me his opinion on politics and I disowned him for being a nerd
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor's house
Women love it when you emit three high pitched squawks, inflate your expandable throat pouch, and then dart back and forth between trees.
What's the difference between British crisps and foreign crisps? One are Walkers and the others just Lays around.
My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes. Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.
A friend told me this one. What's the difference between Windows 8.1 and Windows 10? The start menu.
I found a 1,700 yard rock the other day.... It was a real milestone.
I woke my wife one night and said "The force is awakening." She replied, "Not tonight Hand Solo."
What did the unskilled chef serve as a side dish? Mediokra
Dear Kirstie Alley, We're really pulling for you on your new diet. Sincerely, Chairs
How do black people die from a drive by? Everytime someone screams "get down! " they stand up and start dancing!
Trump &amp; Clinton Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are stuck on a boat. Who survives? America.
TIL that 4/20 is Hitler's birthday. The jews definitely got baked today.
To make small talk interesting, stare inquisitively at one spot on the person's face until they self-consciously touch it.
When my swear jar gets full I'm gonna use the money to buy a motherfucking puppy!
What is small, crying and cannot get under the table? A child with pitchfork in his back
What do you call an animal with a long neck and a love for oranges? A Jiraffa.
What does Brock Lesnar do if a website isn't loading? He gives it an F5
I tried to watch the meteor shower last night I got called a pervert
I don't understand how USB plugs are always upside-down the first time you try to plug them in and ALSO THE SECOND TIME.
Are you today's date? Because you're only 1/10.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh
You don't hear about Rowan Atkinson much these days. It's probably because he's a has-*bean*.
What is my ex girlfriend's favorite hands on day in math class? Manipulatives. god i'm so lonely
[in bed] M: Do that thing I like H: NO M: Please? H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
You know how Kim Kardashian thought her butt would "break the Internet"? I know what would really break the Internet... Nickelback should sing about Comic Sans.
I went to the hospital today and told the doctor my baby was born 9 months early. She asked to see it, so I came on her face.
After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation's trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
"My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor." -- inventor of the frisbee
Some idiot asked me what the 27th letter of the Arabic alphabet is... And all I could say was, "Wow".
Today was the annual Running of the Bulls in Spain. So if you're sick of all the fake injuries at the World Cup, get ready for some real ones.
Have you heard about the new male birth control pill? You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
Wife: "Was that lightning?!" Me: "No, they're taking pictures for Google earth..."
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the mouth.
There are 10 kinds of people Those who know binary and those who don't
Do you know what would happen if the Pope showed up randomly to a Catholic service? Mass hysteria.
Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
Women, when you say: "We should move into a better house." A man hears: "My plan is to force you to work till the day you die."
Why did the stressed out zombie go on vacation? He needed some time to himself to decompose.
Take a selfie it'll last long-wait delete that one my eyebrows look fat take another.
My brother committed suicide and didn't leave a note. How inconsiderate of him. I mean, would it have killed him to leave a note?
This one's for all you self-actualized people out there. You know who you are.
How do you spot a blind guy at a strip club? It's not hard.
Ladies; if you're not prepared to drink the whole bottle of wine, don't even uncork it.
UCLA opened a new campus coffee shop It's called "Brewins"
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He fell.
*40 years pass* *finally thinks of a good joke* more like stink 182! "grandpa what are you talking about"
What do you call 2 fat people talking? A heavy discussion
what kind of sunglasses doe Janay Rice wear? Ray-Bans!
In no particular order = In exact order, but I don't want to piss off the people I put at the end.
No matter how romantic of a mycologist you are Never tell your partner you're about to give them a tiny mushroom tip.
Why does a one legged man make a terrible therapist? Because he has less understanding.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR &amp; a STAGE CURTAIN? A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!
Some say Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer of all time. I say he's sub-par at best.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again. Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Person says: "It's hard to raise a family" Necromancer says: "Not if their graves are next to each other"
Johnny Depp to play Tim Burton in the director's self-made biopic It will be the first ever interpersonal autobiography
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Two Muslims are on a frozen lake not talking to each other... I thought I would go over there and break the ice.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can. I'm so sorry.
(Ok don't let her know ur Jesus) Girl: Meet my dad *they shake hands* *Dad stands up from wheelchair* Dad: It's a miracle! Jesus: *facepalm*
For a long time I thought I was Jewish. But it turned out to be psychosemitic.
My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle Information goes in, but is often never found again
Where can you find Scandinavia? Right next to Printdinavia and Copydinavia.
How is a man like a snowstorm? You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
I told a chemistry joke a few days ago... Unfortunately, I didn't get a reaction.
Order by telephone only. A friend of mine went to buy a sim card. Turns out you need to call ahead to get one.
I am a joke And my kid is the punch line
What did the fly say to the other fly? "Your man is open!"
Every time my phone screen goes black... I wonder if it'll ever come back.
Why did the redditor cross the subreddit? To recycle a joke from the other side.
So a man was reported as having a gun turned out to be an umbrella He was armed and while the umbrella was open rather shady
Bernie Sanders
What you hope someone might say about you when they approach your casket? Hey, I think he moved.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!
What time are you supposed to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty!
Chuck Norris can run up a flight of stairs backwards.
Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals? Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.
3 database admins walked into a nosql bar A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table
"A ghost took a dump all over the house!!!" - Paranormal Activia
3 fonts walk into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your type."
I dislike the word "kidnapping"... I prefer "surprise adoption".
Why did Billy Joel get acquitted? Because he didn't start the fire.
There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I'll kill you all.
Some guy named Rand McNally printed out a bunch of Google maps and sells them at gas stations. Weird.
Dude's trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting. CRITIC: It's worthless. ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.
wait, THESE are pistachios? i've been calling them wood clams
Consult an audiophile before buying new headphones Their reasoning is pretty sound
Why did the woman marry the shoe maker? Because she was his sole mate.
A group of kids asked me to make a donation to their school & I was so moved I had to reach in my pocket & slowly pull out my middle finger.
why do people keep putting flag overlays on their avatar when tragedies happen? like i've seen it happen with france, brussels, gay marriage
He told me he wanted a dirty girl so I didn't shower for two weeks. Now he won't return my calls. Forget women, MEN and their mixed signals!
memes http://imgur.com/qe7LBx5 there
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms. ~ Knock knock. *Who's there?* Not Sally
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store
A frog goes into a bank... Only to *robbit*.
What do maggots and Alabama fans have in common? They can both live off a dead bear for years.
They told me I had to move to Northern Canada. I said I want none of it.
50-cent's birthday was last week, so I made him a sweater... ...When i gave it to him he said, "Gee. You Knit?"
Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed... ...because they couldn't read them.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear.
My wife converted to Judaism during Batman Begins. It was a real Christian Bail.
My bowel is upset. Must be full of shit.
I found out today why my father never came home from the store.. The store had a no-return policy
Context is Key She's so coy. Is she part fish?!
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is "ding dong the witch is dead" so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary's and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? A: To make up for a bad summer.
Conversations with my pets: Me: Please could you Dog: OF COURSE! Me: I haven't said what it Dog: I LOVE YOU! Me: Please could you Cat: No.
Your Jedi mom is so fat... she should be on a force sensible diet.
You know the joke about this guy playing with a loaded gun? Triggered.
Did you hear about the guy with a premature ejaculation problem? I hear he just comes outta nowhere!
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I was just told I'm someones BFF. Being the idiot I am, I had to google it. Backup-file Format is a euphemism for something hot right?
What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend? Booze (Kill me now)
Glad marijuana is being legalized. It sure helps coping with the election results.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn't want to go to the store...
If a... If a black bird brings black babies, and a blue bird brings blue babies.. What kind of bird brings no babies? A swallow.
I'm addicted to algebra I can't **function** without it!
My pillow has down syndrome.
My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale of 1-10, last night we tried anal she kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
My friend is a German butcher He always tells me the wurst jokes.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they're addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Having a one night stand with a beautiful woman (NSFW) and she says, "Give me 9 inches and hurt me." So I fucked her 3 times and I slapped her.
Why couldn't the penguin turn around in the phone booth? Because he had a javelin through his head.
Why does Calvin Harris like reading fairy tales? He loves a good happy ending
What's the food equivalent to Rachel Dolezal? ...a hamburger.
People on the Internet are like People in Overwatch They always take offence
What does a hippie say when he runs out of weed? This music SUCKS!
Vladimir Putin is dressing up in a taco costume... I guess you could say he was Putin' on the Ritz.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Friends are like penguins If you stab it, it dies.
What do you call a crocodile/robot sent from the future to save the past? Termigator (jesus christ this one's even worse than the last)
A man walks into a bar He suffered a minor concussion.
At my job interview today the Boss said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."
I met a group of guys who were all named Richard last night... what a bunch of Dicks
What was Adolf Hitler's campaign slogan? *"Auschwitz the old, in with the Jews!"*
I'm not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
What do you call and eight sided dildo? A cocktopus.
I'm allergic to Everclear. It makes me break out.. Into handcuffs.
Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body cut off? He was all right. Andddd I'll see myself out.
I swallowed some food coloring earlier. I think I dyed a little inside.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Why was the letter "Z" lucky it was not Jewish? Because all the other letters were NOT Zs!
Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it.
I've invented a new flavour of crisps, if they're successful I'll make a packet.
Going to work My boss told me yesterday, "Don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want". But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
Q: How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? A: Pretty hot
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot] "I know you're not really an armadillo"
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day? A forty-carrot wedding ring.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I'm gonna kill anyone
As a white, male acoustic-guitar owner, it appears I'm legally obligated to post a video of myself playing on YouTube.
It would be terrible to be blind and get cancer. You would never see it coming.
Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke) Because that's where students have the most potential.
If cats could talk, they'd probably yell "PARKOUR" a lot.
We've hired a new accountant. Her name is Helen Wait. Anyone expecting a check from us can go to Helen Wait.
What does a fedora guy say on the Singapore border? M'lasia
I'm not a racist. Racist people go to jail, and jail is for black people.
My therapist said that I second guess myself too much. [deleted]
Hey baby, are you a C major scale? 'Cause you look all natural to me.
How do you call the guy who immigrates to Saudi Arabia? Wannabee Wahhabi.
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
i just woke up from a 9 year coma! hope to god The Apprentice is off TV...nothing i hate more than that Donald Trump
What do you call a person who got straight "D's" in medical school? A Doctor.
Why was the World Trade Center in a hurry? It had a plane to catch.
How in the hell do Chinese people see when they're high?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If you're moving to a new house for a "fresh start," congratulations your new house is haunted.
Donald trump
I just watched two mice screwing in a lightbulb But for the life of me, I can't figure out how they got in there.
Before this goes any further, it's important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.
Conjunctivitis.com That's a site for sore eyes
it's raining and my gf has been staring at the window for about an hour.. i should probably let her in.
The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck ninety-nine, but deer nuts are always under a buck.
How do you get your girlfriend to stop giving you blowjobs? You marry her.
How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was? So,so.....
Why are there no cats in Germany? Because they have nein lives.
Did you hear about the Indian man who was recently employed as a comedian? He got a punjabi.
11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog? Me: I like our house the way it is. 11: What, small? Me: Go to your drawer.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come onto a boy's face until he's 13.
I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped ... I wanted to be ruthless
[NSFW] What's the difference between priests and pimples? Pimples only come on your face after you turn twelve.
What did MC Hammer say to his wife when she caught him cheating? Can't trust this
Why was 6 scared? Because 7 was a 6 offender.
How do you sell a chicken to a deaf man? (pause....) WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN??!! (SHOUTING)
How can you tell if you accidentally wandered into a gay bar? Everyone keeps offering to push your stool in
I don't see why being an astronaut is so hard, school teachers do it. Get in the rocket, rocket goes up, rocket blows up. I could do that.
I just saw the pope in the restroom Holy shit
Free beer tomorrow!
Mean Mom My mom was very mean. She would always complain to me "why can't you be like your cousin Jeffrey, WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE YOUR COUSIN JEFFREY!" ...My cousin Jeffrey died at birth.
The good news is, I found my phone charger in my bed while I was vacuuming my sheets. The bad news is, you read that 2nd part correctly.
What's an alcoholic's favorite novel? Tequila Mockingbird I made this up just now... I'm so excited about it.
What do you call a surgeon who graduated last in his class? Doctor
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
What do you get when 1000 politicians have an idea? A dim light.
Chuck Norris likes knitting sweaters...... if by knitting you mean kicking and by sweaters you mean babies......
I always type "please" at the end of my Google searches because I'm not an asshole.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life. I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won't be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
What do you call a communist hip-hop musician? MC Hammer and Sickle.
Divorce I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.
I had dream that I really had to take piss When I woke up I had peed myself. Thats when I relised... dreams really do come true
Met a woman with 12 boobs last night... Sounds unbelievable dozen tit
A man asks God... Man: "Why did you make women so beautiful?" God: "So you would love her." Man: "Then why did you make her so dumb?" God: "So she would love you."
What should you do when you meet a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes, wet lips, pink cheeks, shivering body.... Keep going! She has flu symptoms!
I didn't sleep a wink last night because my neighbor was screaming her head off. I think she doesn't like my basement.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle] "I'm quitting, here's my 2 week notice" BOSS: The days last 6 months here "Sonofa..."
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages! I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
When I die... I want to go peacefully in my sleep. Like my father. Not screaming and yelling. Like his passengers
I saw a deer yesterday. I asked it if it had any doe. It said yeah, about two bucks.
*man invents wheel* "How can we possibly improve this?" *Man invents wheel of cheese* "Nailed it!"
Every time I go for a run I think "why am I even doing this?" Then I look back and see all the cops chasing me and it's like "oh yeah, duh."
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it would be the arrr but it's really the sea.
Why did the semen cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning
What did one ass cheek say to the other? We gotta hold this shit together.
[speed dating] Me: Have you ever choked someone? "No I would never do something like that" Me: Next
What do you call a strange Mexican man who owns a chocolate factory? Willy Juanka.
No, I dont have bad handwriting. I have my own font.
I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them I have a problem.
The funniest thing about this tweet, is that by the time you realize that it doesn't say anything, it's too late for you to stop reading it.
"It's a banana in my pocket" "May I remind the defendant that he's under oath?" *averts eyes* "I'm glad to see you"
I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist
What does the highest paid WNBA player make? Sandwiches.
Everyone...I've got Tom Jones syndrome.... I wouldn't say it's common, but it's not unusal.
Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? It was a birthday present from his wife!
Pete and Repete are in a boat and Pete falls out. Who's left?
Wanna hear a joke about recursion [Wanna hear a joke about recursion](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39zo5p/wanna_hear_a_joke_about_recursion/)
People named Thomas, your nickname isn't "Thom" it's Tom. "Thom" thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.
What do you call a deer with one good eye? A good idear...
An Irishman walk out of a bar.
What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It's pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
The human body can survive 28 days without food, but only 11 minutes without Internet.
Did you hear about the grizzly who didn't like his daughter wearing a crop top? He disapproved of her exposing her bear midriff.
What did Adele say when the chicken crossed the road? "Hello from the other siiiiiiide!"
How do you circumcise a West Virginian man? Punch his sister in the throat.
[their last appetizer] Her: I don't want it. You have it. Him: I don't want it either, you... Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will never be subjected to your stupid bumper sticker again.
All the world does is try to tear us apart. -me to my bed every morning
I've been researching some useless facts... Want some examples? I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice. And that's just off the top of my head.
Silly batman joke my doctor told me today Twoface never liked it when his men shouted, 'hey you! With the face!'
Two guys stole a calendar They both got six months
The city I live in had its annual incest competition. So I entered my sister.
What's the handicapped parking situation at the special Olympics?
Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?  Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup?  .
Serbian Math What's the difference between the inverse of sec(o) and the smallest region in the former Ottoman Empire? One is cos(o), the other is Kosovo
Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.
If I get kidnapped, I'll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.
Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where the naughty girls live.
I'm trying to stop... I'm trying to stop masturbating. It's really hard.
why do farts stink? so deaf people can enjoy them too.
What is Whitney Houston's best kind of coordination? Hand EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE
I'd consider myself an artistic fetishist I go hard in the paint.
Why do hot girls always go for assholes? I don't even like pegging.
This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!
My friend told me he could eat a fucking horse. I was like, "Jesus man, you might as well eat both of them whilst they're at it."
Give 100% in everything you do Except giving blood
It's chilly this morning. I should let my nipples do the typing.
Dad: "So what are you going to do after you graduate?" Me: "well, mom said we'll probably go out somewhere to eat"
What is the difference between michael jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous for your kids to play with and the other holds your groceries
A magician turns into a driveway...
Of course Goldman Sachs called their clients "muppets" Some of them ended up living in garbage cans.
Student: Could I be trouble for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not. Student: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy. PS. i want my $1!
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
What's white and can't climb trees? A refrigerator
What do you call a computer that farts? A compooter. 8D
Did you hear about the Hunger Games character who got eaten alive in the Middle East? Poor Peeta...
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Arab man gets on a bus and a Jewish woman scoffs and pinches her nose.... Arab says, youve got the problem lady, Ishmael good *OC, Dont hate, probably not as bad if you verbalize it.
Company suspends sponsorship deal with Sharapova after she failed drug test To protect Volkswagen's excellent brand image. They can't affiliate with people who might have cheated.
Native Americans are the most successful strippers. Cause when they dance, they make it rain!
What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.
BANGkok Too soon?
Im voting Hillary Clinton this year. Because she dosnt suck
You see, the thing about dark humor is... it's a lot like food. Not everybody gets it.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
I'm about 20% more confident when chewing gum.
Saw two blind people fighting today. I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away. Edit: Grammar
Fortune Teller The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large!
What does Barack Obama say when his workweek is done? Yes weekend
I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts... ... for eating a Brownie.
Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour gay.
If I had a Dollar, If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked for change, I would still pretend to have not heard them.
How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed 15 zombies so far! And why the hell are they all carrying candy?
Why should jokes always be sent over TCP? Because you're assured that the recipient will get it. (Don't you DARE explain the joke in the comments)
I bumped into the guy that invented the globe. It's a small world.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let's go for pancakes.
Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? A. No phone numbers.
After I painted my computer black... Strawpoll would only work 3-5ths of the time
*goes on Facebook AGAIN* *reads 100,000th idiotic post* *thinks other people are stupid*
I once lived with a Canadian family for a year... They didn't want me to, but were too polite to ask me to leave!
A Jewish boy tells his father... "Daddy, daddy, I need to borrow $20." The father replies, "$10? What are you gonna buy for $5?"
What's easier to load into a garbage truck? Bowling balls or babies? Babies, because you can use a pitchfork.
Do you know how to plant tulips? Yes, then how about planting tu-lips on this
What do you call a person who only speaks one language? American.
What's Kylo Ren's Favorite Order of Chemical Reaction? A first order reaction
What did I have to tell the homeopathic drug addict? That's an oxy, moron!
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars!
When's a door not a door? When it's ajar
What do you call a retarded kid with no arms and one leg. Names.
Where does a tugboat go when it feels sick? To the Dock
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.
I thought this guy on the subway was yawning. Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.
High school girls are a lot like heaven... ...hard to get in to. -[Dylan Mandlsohn](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XwGpz91IDo)
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn't be such a bad thing.
What do you call a chicken crossed with a cow? Cock-a-doodle-moo!
My daughter's school was closed for fog. Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like "2-hour delay"
Marmite ... But paw may not.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine... Idiots.
DATE: you smell so nice - what are you wearing? ME: Febreeze
I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi. You can imagine my disappointment.
I hear Donald Trump has been endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church He's called for a ban on contraception. He wants to make America mate again
After all these years, Bono 'still hasn't found what he's looking for'. Perhaps he might have more luck if he took those stupid sunglasses off...
What do tigers wear in bed ? Stripey pyjamas !
What do a woman and a refrigerator have in common? They both leak when they're fucked.
You can fit fifty Mexicans in a van But I can fit six million Jews in my ashtray.
I refuse to do laundry because it's racist, because you need to separate white from the colored.
if you're drinking after midnight on a saturday you're really just getting a jump on the church crowd
Reddit I'm in a bit of a pickle.. and it taste great
This girl told me that she wouldn't sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth. If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.
Why did the janitor get fired from the bank? Because he cleaned out the vault.
I hate working with Jewish fishermen. They always ask me: "What's your net worth?"
[wife answering phone] Gary, it's 3am! Where are you? "I don't have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!"
Wanna hear a joke about blimps? It'll never fly.
Be Careful of Egyptian Sharks They can smell blood a nile away
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? You slow down and use lube (   )
I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange.. I've seen Stranger Things.
50,000 battered women a year... And I still eat mine plain!
Say what you will about deaf people...
A gardener fell from grace and forgot how she once was. So she went back to her roots.
What do you call it when a sewer collapses on itself? Sewercide
What do you call a budget circumcision? A rip off.
Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there.
I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.
Honestly, I just want to see the bot try to explain this.
Does this cubicle make me look dead inside?
"Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?
Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter? Because the shelter was non prophet.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed  gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
You know how to tell if your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick taste like blood.
"You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! ...Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?"
How do you sort out Ant and Dec? Squash one and deal with the other later.
If Twitter icons have taught me anything it's that the male eye can spot cleavage at incredibly low resolutions.
Corny Japanese Cartoons Ani-maize ...I'll leave now.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Why couldn't the shoes go out and play? They were all tied up.
How you compliment an Italian cheese maker? "Gouda worka"
Ask me if I'm a snail! No. This joke works much better if you say it to the other person like they're an idiot for asking.
A woman with a lazy eye was having an affair.. They said she was seeing someone on the side.
Do you know how many feminists it takes to change a light bulb? One, you asshole.
A vegan, a gap year student and a girl with a boyfriend walk into a bar Who tells you first?
very good joke Two friends: - Hey , for my son in his new job he feels like a fish in water . - That makes? - Nothing..
Girl are you a dishwasher? Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish
How do you get Martha Stewart to scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on the curtains.
Knowledge is knowing that papers are best written with alcohol and edited with caffeine. Wisdom is realizing that this does not make a Jagerbomb a study tool
What do you call a cow having a seizure? A milkshake.
[1st date] Me: I've got crabs [date leaves] [back home looking at my fish tank] "It's all right guys, one day I'll find one who'll like you"
I just found out that blackbirds aren't afraid of squirrels and now I'm afraid of blackbirds.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Why is it so easy to fool an octopus? They're all suckers.
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
Once there was a guy reading r/jokes... He decided to click on a joke that was new and didnt have any points.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
This guy told me he got a puppy for his wife... ...wish I could make a trade like that!
Challenge for r/jokes! lets hear your best non offensive jokes. (work safe ) last time i saw this posted it was filled with so a black, jew and so on.
Am I the only one that tests "forever" postage stamps by smothering them with a pillow?
Why did your sister keep running around her bed ? Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.
(Nsfw) How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate their tits a lot. Edit: I need alot (sic) of spelling practice
I think my wife considers me her rainbow. Or at least, according to her, I'm on the spectrum.
A new teacher joins school. She finds two boys Similar in appearance. Teacher asks: " Twins " ? . . . . . . . . Boy: No , " NEIGHBOURS"
Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments? Because they were for test porpoise only
I once got a d in school. It was degrading.
The U.S. military is like a drunk frat boy. If you really believe it's pulling out before something bad happens, joke's on you, buddy.
My brother is a true gentleman He knows not to kiss my girlfriend when he has sex with her
A man knocked my door for some donation.. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. i gave him a glass of water.
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate it's tit a lot
If I had to rate racist jokes... I would rate black jokes a 3/5 and arab jokes a 9/11
What is black and knocking on the window from the inside? A baby in the oven.
Make like a programmer with good version control habits and git!
The Social Justice League doesn't have a Batmobile They have a tumbler.
Why are the other numbers afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
A fish that goes against the current Dies electrocuted
My thesis just came back with "Appendix?" scrawled on it. Seems a little forward  but I thought: sure, why not?.
There's a new show on Broadway based on the dictionary It's a play on words
I've been dating this really sweet homeless guy. I think it's getting serious. He's asked me to move out with him.
A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM. Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] "you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me" me: [trying to pick up my beer] "i can do it"
I went to get a physical and the doctor told me I need to stop masturbating... I said, "why?" He said, "Because I am giving you a physical!"
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk] "Son, when-" *Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes* "Know what, we're good"
What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday? Nun
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror* [at Starbucks] "One grander none-fatty flaparinno" barista: ... "I'll try again tomorrow"
What's that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and my doctor said it was caused by browsing /r/funny.
What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison.
Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns? They always take things literally.
What do burgers think when they are  surrounded by gherkins? They think they are in a pickle.
What happens when Keemstar and Ricegum have a baby? He's born with Diss-lexia
There's 2 types of people in this world... ....Those who know binary, and those who don't.
I went to the doctor the other day.... ... and told him, "Every time I look in the mirror, I get a stiffy." He looked at me and said, "That's because you look like a cunt!"
[high school sex ed class] *scoffs* When are we ever going to use this in real life
The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.
Therapist: How's your narcissism? Much better I thin...*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"
If you're attacking a paraplegic convention... Are you harming unarmed citizens?
Children are our greatest natural resource. I pray it doesn't come to that. --heard it on the radio, can't remember the comedian's name.
Bob's volunteered to give a C programming workshop but needs a topic Give that man some pointers
whats the most useless thing on a woman a drunken irishman
Cutting a bell pepper feels like the vegetable version of killing an alien with all its little alien babies.
A great joke that only air conditioners will get! On second thought, I'm not gonna say it. I can already tell you're not a fan.
What do you call a car accident between two Nissan pick-up trucks? Crash of the Titans
*kisses new boss on lips as I say goodbye at the end of my first day*
Most offensive joke I've ever heard So I was going down on this old lady when I tasted horse semen. So I stopped and said "Oh grandma, that's how you died"
An elephant and a naked man were standing next to each other... The elephant says "It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
A man comes homes and sees his girlfriend packing... "What are you doing?" He asks "I'm leaving you" "But why" "Because you're a pedophile" "Pedophile?... big word for an 11 year old"
As 1000 year old necromancers, my wife and I have debated a lot. Like with the war in the middle east, she thinks it's justified, but then I bring up the dead.
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified... He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"
Why is the iPhone 6 the coolest smart phone around? Carry it around in your pocket for a while and it'll be on every selfie you take.
What's the difference between LinkedIn and McDonald's? McDonald's knows how to use salt
Biggie Smalls always hated mediums.
What do you call a militant whovian A **whooligan**
"People want to drink a panic attack." -- inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Obergruppenfuhrer Akbar of the SS was in the Swiss Alps While walking about he spots a group of fugitives from the Reich. He turns to his men and shouts: "It's a von Trapp!"
I told my therapist I don't wanna see her anymore. She said from what she's learned, that means I'll fuck her 3 more times.
Yo mama's so fat she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American.
Diarrhea is genetic. It runs in your jeans.
I just saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I'm like "Get outta here boys! I didn't get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!"
What's the worst part about pissing outside in the winter? Getting a 2 inch dick out of 3 inches of clothing. Stay warm out there!
When I was going into surgery my dad said "Good luck w/ your surgery" and I said "you too" so now my dad has to get surgery too, he's pissed
Sally Why did Sally fall off her swing? She got hit by an axe. Knock Knock Who's there? Not Sally.
Sad news from Miami today: Famous rapper, Pitbull, was unfortunately found alive in his home today according to a relative.
I was checking into a hotel the other week.....
How do you pronounce "nihilism?" It doesn't matter
4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to "How do you know if something is art?" "People tell you."
Why was the challah bread good at defending itself? Because it was made of Judo (Jew dough)
Me: *applies temporary tattoos* Mom: Unicorn tats? Me: I'm in a gang. Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank? Me: You just made a powerful enemy.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Before clicking on a link from an unknown source, ask yourself this "Am I an idiot?". If you answered yes, then it's okay to click the link.
I couldn't find you any new tampons. but I managed to pull a few strings...
A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre And the bartender gives it to her.
Step 1: Pick a movie title Step 2: Add "in my pants". Some friends and i have had hours of fun with this.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I sincerely hope Trump does become President Because at least Australian Politics won't be the butt of every joke anymore. Sincerely, still a rather embarrassed Australian citizen.
I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
Which cheese is made backwards? Edam! (Kill me)
Where do fleas go to surf? To the microwave.
If you had to choose between Bill Gates' money and world peace... ...what colour should your porsche be?
How many lawyers does it take to grease a  combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
Men are not sexist Because being sexist is wrong and being wrong is what women do.
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue!
Why could Thor's daughter never try anal? Because her father was an Ass-guardian. Ba dum tussss..
Did you know that Trump is 6' 3"? I guess that means that Trump Towers.
What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog.
I like my women how I like my books With an amazing climax
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? Because the sign says No Tres passing
Anyone who says the bee movie is racist is wrong... I think they mention black and yellow about a trillion fucking times.
Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate* Guy Astronaut: You know we're on the space shuttle for- LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE
Republican Health Plan Since Republicans are dismantling Obamacare, they wanted to coin a name for their new health plan. They came up with Nobodycare.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
It's one of those days where you'll be lucky not to see me on the news.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.
I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
A magician was driving down the road. He turned into a driveway!
Why did a anowman send his father to Siberia? Because he wanted frozen pop !
Killing enemies give you XP But killing level 0 enemies is pointless.
What's really good in having sex with 26 years old girls? there are 20 of them!
All the toilets in New York's police stations have mysteriously vanished. Now the police have nothing to go on.
I like my beer how I like my violence... Domestic
a human mens penis has not evolved in hundreds of years, im going to take it to strange new places. i'll improve the dick. ill make it safer
Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.
Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.
What happens when a sane person posts on a far right sub and a far left sub? [removed]
Johnny as his mum where are you when Bill Gate was single? Mum Answered: 'the same place you where now while Obama's Daughter is still single'
How did the sperm cross the road? I put the wrong socks on today. ^(credit to /u/jackster_)
What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night? Lie in bed wondering "Is there really a dog?"
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied
My wife says that all she wants is an attentive lover...... ...or maybe it was a tent of lovers. I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention.
[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god I had to explain that Buddha isn't Greek.
Why do black men only have nightmares? Because the last black man to have a dream got shot.
The best thing about gay bars is that if someone turns their back to you it's not necessarily a bad thing
Why did the blonde go to church? B/c she heard there was a guy hung like [this](https://riverchurchtelford.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/jesus.jpg)
Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10!
If Gandhi went on a 100 day journey with no shoes or toiletries... ... he would be a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you
WHY *smack* DON'T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
What do you get for breaking news? Newscasts
My friends always at the gym, so I invited him to a social even for a change. He responds, "Can't come, they don't allow guns in there. I would have to cut off both my arms"
Why is Yoda afraid of 7? Because 9, 7 8.
"I'm Sorry" And "My Bad" Mean The Same Thing. Unless You're At A Funeral.
I'm not going to masturbate for the rest of the year Three more hours to go.
Donald Trump That's the whole joke.
I have Tourettes you fucking bitch.
I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don't ask me to babysit.
*opens "Job Interview Handbook" *reads "dress for the job you want" *goes to computer *opens browser *Googles "ladies' bicycle seat costume"
Only a coward brings a gun to a swordfight, But only a moron brings a sword to a gunfight.
How do Hawaiians subtly enjoy a bad joke? with a low "ha"
Fun game: Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says... "Wow...Are you sure that was for me?" And wait.
Two flies are sitting on a steaming pile of horse manure. One of the flies grunts and breaks wind. The other fly says, "Geez! Do you mind? I"m trying to eat over here!"
So I met a woman with 12 boobs... [NSFW] Oh, that joke needs a punchline doesn't tit.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.
What did a Vegetarian Cannibal eat? Stephen Hawking.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Baby joke http://suryakanthi.info/baby-jokes/
Why did the foot smile? He was toe very happy. Jesus that is awful.
I'd like a job cleaning mirrors Because it's something I can see myself doing
Kermit and Miss Piggy are in bed and Miss Piggy says "Kermit what are you going to do to my asshole tonight" Kermit replied "Rippit".
Are you a Farmer? Cause you know how to raise a cock!
I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker Can't wait to see my new cock.
What does a Blond do every Sunday? Swallow Jesus.
"I'm supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What's that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out." - Virgins tonight
What is it Lassie? Timmy fell down a well? Earthquake in LA? The Russians are coming? You found a plane? No? ...Oh, you want another beer.
Why do stoners spend so much money? because they're high rollers
I went to the library and asked for a book on rohypnol. That's the last thing I remember.
My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian It's like I've never known herbivore
Happy 1 month anniversary to the 37 browser tabs I have open.
sorry i'm still an undecided voter, but it's hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
It's 4/20 and I'm not looking forward to weeding through all the bad jokes today.
Joke from my childhood: What do you call a pig that losses its voice? Disgruntled
A kid asks if they had colors in the 1930s. Yeah, but you didn't see them all the way in the back of the bus.
Chris Christie is so fat, he plans on walking for president.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven? If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".
Just picked up an unknown call with a "Hello?" An old woman said "Joan?" So, I can cross "mistaken for a Joan" off the bucket list.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
I can't stand pedophiles. They're fucking immature assholes.
My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed "You're psychic" to "You're psycho."
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
did you know if you throw a baby at a random group of people someone will always catch it so far
party idea: "DUI or IUD?" u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN'T divulge which
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
You'll never get hemorrhoids... because you're a perfect asshole.
Congratulations to Amy Winehouse For being sober one year.
What to do you call an old dentist? A bit long in the tooth
Boys, save your Bottle Caps Trump just became president.
[NSFW] So my penis was in the guiness book of world records... Till the librarian asked me to take it out.
What are feminists best at in mathematics? TRIGGER-nometry
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Two cows and a cat were going on a trip. Cow A: Do we go this way with the cat? Cow B: The cattle go this way, we shall go the udder way.
Men are like mini skirts.  If you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.
If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
The moral of World War 2 Two wrong don't make a right, but three Reichs make a left
What's the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog? The man wears a full suit, the dog just pants
I saw a squirrel pooping the other day. Shit's Nuts...
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices] Professor: "That's just not what I meant when I said "come prepared"..."
I came in like a lion and went out like a kitten.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.
Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Moscow? He got snowed in.
When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?" When I do her hair: "How about a hat?"
Why are radios cheaper in Scotland? Because the boxes are battered and and the speakers are fried.
Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Some guy keeps saying he's going to post a pic of his girlfriend in his next submission to r/Femdom but never delivers OP is a flagellate
My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line "Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."
Picture me eating dinner. Wrong! Louder. Drunker. Even more backup dancers.
Them: Hi. I'm happy to meet you. Me: Hi. I'm awkward and already trying to find a way out of this conversation.
The Pill... (Semi-NSFW) It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.
Children shouldn't talk to strangers. Not because strangers are dangerous, but because children are incapable of meaningful conversations.
DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting. ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news.
What is the height of hunger? Teeth marks on the toilet seat.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet
I realize not everyone is cool with Easter egg hunts, but they are vital. They help manage the egg population and keep it at healthy levels
Oh, topical reference. You sure are about something.
What do you call coffee on the floor? Ground Coffee.
What's the difference between a boomerang and a train filled with Jews? The boomerang comes back.
Two Problems with North Carolina: Too many racists, and too many GODDAMN ASIANS.
I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they are using All of them yelled "get the fuck out of my bathroom you fucking perv!"
I Have an EpiPen My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What do Aids, Syphilis and Chlamydia have in common? Your mom.
Why did black people pick so much cotton? Because we told them to.
Have you had a German hotdog? They're the wurst
What has Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville got in common? They both fucked minors
I'm going to rename my car Felicia That way when I pass people they can say "Bye Felicia"
What do women and autistic people have in common? They don't know when to shut the fuck up
I told my friend an oxygen joke which he didnt get at first Until he finally went "O"
How do you turn a little boy into a little girl? With a small loan of a million dollars.
Just seen Michael J Fox at the local Garden centre Well pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.
Why was the pianist arrested? He was assaulting A Minor.
If a shark is ever attacking me I'm gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Do you know karate? Cause your body's kickin!
Damn girl, can you guys stop with these retarded jokes? The first 2 were funny...the last 10,000 have been dumb as shit.
Did you know diarrhea is genetic? It runs in the genes
Slogan for a Sperm Bank Advertisement "You squeeze it, we freeze it!"
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas costs everywhere
Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
You can never trust an atom... they make up everything.
Two antennas met on a rooftop... ...they fell in love and got married. I heard the ceremony was pretty average... but the reception was excellent!
Most of my sextapes are on DVD.. except for that gay one where I Blu-Ray.
Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
probably the worst thing you could do to an old person is force them to watch you tear up a bunch of coupons
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.
What Happens when the Cubs win the World Series? ...They Leave a Trail of Tears
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Go down a water slide without water and you'll understand why foreplay is so important.
So there was a stork carrying an old man.. ..and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
Two hippies, a man and a woman, fell off a cliff at the same time. Which one died first? Neither. It was a tie-die.
I always get confused between bi and semi Which one means you like to fuck 18 wheelers?
in the middle east you can't drink But you can get stoned For drinking
What is a Sloth's favorite breakfast food? Slothages.
Computer dating is fine... if you are a computer.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cook ! Cook who ? Cuckoo yourself I don't come here to be insulted !
Q: What did the tire say to the tire? A: I'm tired!
Now that big hairy bush is back in style, it needs a good name. I vote on the Sascrotch.
ORAL SEX At this stage of our marriage, me and the wife only practice oral sex. Whenever we pass each other, we both say , 'fuck you.'
How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.
A thing of booty is a joy foreva...
An Irish elocution lesson Say the following words together quickly: Whale. Oil. Beef. Hooked.
What do you call a retired professional swimmer? Washed up.
Why do you call the US government when a blizzard of secret information gets released? They're snowed-en!
Afroman was going to vote. But then he got high..
What is worse than 10 dead Babys on a Tree? 1 dead Baby on 10 Trees. I know I am going to hell for this.
Capitalism is controlled by an "invisible hand" that gives most people the invisible finger.
I'm shopping for groceries in an unfamiliar store and now I know how old people feel when they try to use a smartphone.
Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping? In case your other agus breaks.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctors described his condition as stable.
I'm surprised they didn't make an all-female Ghost Busters sooner... Busting ghosts at three quarters on the dollar? What a savings!
A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.
Are you today's date? Because you're 10/10.
"Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place. What am I? 2.71828183
What's the difference between Asians and Caucasians? Asians don't have the "cauc".
I have a big butt and I can not lie.
What do you call a Hispanic woman with no legs? Consuelo! My mother told me this one
"Doctor, Doctor... I've had diarrhea for 3 days, and I think it might be hereditary" "Hereditary? What makes you think it's hereditary?" "It's in my jeans"
How many spiders does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two.
No arms no legs What do you call a Mexican prostitute who has no arms and no le/
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? -Makes a choking noise-
The actress that played Anne Frank in the Anne |Frank story was so bad..... That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".
Why did all the guys like the bus driver? She was busty.
Thursday is "date night", when I force my family to eat all the expired food in our fridge.
I'm no different than the average working guy. I have two arms, two legs and 4.2 billion dollars. ~ Donald Trump
Q: How much does it cost to get married Dad? A: I don't know son I'm still paying for it.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Aids.
How many Jews does it take to fix a country? -6 million
funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems necessary
To quote my late father... "Traffic is heavier than I expected."
My son laughed at a ceiling fan for 45 minutes in case any studio execs are wondering how to reach his demographic.
When did the Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? When he ate his first Brownie!
I've got a great joke about solipsism... But why should I tell you?
Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
Why did the empty string do immoral things? Because it had no character.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter. Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
HR: know why you're here? Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter Union: well..unsafe..but fired? HR: the candy cutter's name is Trish
It's like 10,000 goons When all you need Is a knight
I hate people who knock on my door and tell me that I need to be saved or I'm going to burn. Stupid firemen.
What do you call a cross between Communism and Theocracy? Communionism
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. "Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!"
Why was the Redditor mad at Reddit? Because it made her wait seven minutes before posting something.
What's the number one cause of pedophilia? sexy kids
What country most despises cars that run on gasoline? Mad-at-gas-cars!
Hey, guys. Love college basketball? You should see this thing CBS is doing this weekend. Crazy!
I started a company.. ...with my wife. Then my sister in law joined us, now it's a crowd.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
She changed her mind .. Hope the new one works !! ~TF
eyy gurl, r u part beaver??? cuz dam baby
Was the summer of '69... Sounds like a great summer Bryan, what year was it?
Why does the Easter Bunny hide eggs? Because, he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
Obama calls Putin Obama: "Hey! What are you going to have for Thanksgiving dinner?" Putin: "Turkey"
Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals.....oh wait. This is just walmart
What do a rubix cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
What happens on 420 in Saudi Arabia A lot of people get stoned
How did Harry Potter go down the hill Walking.... JK Rowling
I'm trying this new thing where I don't beat off it's hard
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Why can't you tell a secret, when a clock is around Because time will tell. Got this one from Bonzi Buddy long time ago
A comedian, a rapist, and the President of the United States are in an elevator .. and then Barack says to the other guy "Always liked you most in The Cosby Show".
[Politics] Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems? He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don't have to go to work tomorrow?
What's the difference between Italian and Polish sausage? About 2-3 inches.
My penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records... ...I wonder how long I can keep it here until I got kicked out of the library.
What do you call a gay couch? A homo-sectional.
Son: Dad, I need some money! Dad: You should get a job at the StarBrites factory. Son: Why? Do they pay well? Dad: You kidding? ***You'll make a mint!***
Fucking dick shit condoms
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
What porn do sea animals watch? Prawnography
Kate Upton Nightmare... "Hey, last night I had a nightmare, I dreamed I was Kate Upton's new born baby, but I was bottle fed... ... [I know it's soggy, but it made me laugh...]
Why do Black People only have Nightmares? Cuz we killed the only one with a dream!!! (I'm very sorry, he was a great man whose death should be treated with respect) Happy MLK Day!
Putin and Medvedev go to a hooker. The hooker is sucking Putin off and Medvedev is fucking her from behind. Medvedev: Should we swap? Putin: Sure, you can swap.
My old guitar teacher was arrested yesterday... He got caught fingering A Minor.
DATING TIP: Don't reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Why don't they have showers on airplanes? Because of the towel ban.
Yea, go ahead and destroy that spider's web. It's not like he spent a week making it so he can kill bugs that are in your house. Asshole.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
What is Bear Grylls' favourite web browser? Internet *explorer*!
What types of trees never get Christmas presents? Knotty Pines.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon... and Michael Jackson liked to rape little boys.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems Unless you're fat. Then yeah, run.
Why are tampons always grumpy? Because they're stuck up cunts.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime... He could change his name to ConFetty.
Can't believe that it's been over a hundred years since Einstein proposed his theory of relativity. Feels like it was only yesterday...
The invention of the broom may have swept the nation... ... but the invention of the Galaxy Note 7 really set the world on fire
Why does it say TRD on that Toyota truck? Because it's a turd!
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, i'm changing.
how does a bakery know when to make more bread? on a knead the dough basis
[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
What did the helicopter... What did the helicopter dick spinner say to initiate gyration? GO GO GADGET!!
At the restaurant with food still on my plate... Server: "Do you wanna box for that" Me: "No. It's not worth fighting for"
What's the best thing about fucking a baby? You get both anal and deep throat at the same time.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I'm brutally murdered* Me: delete it
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
What's an astrounaut's favorite key on keyboard? The space bar
Eastman School of Music Fart Scale circa 1963 (no kidding - I did not make this up) In order of increasing pitch: Fahhrt Fuzz Fitty-Fuzz Poot Tarass Rattler
Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.
Someone should write a book where the character slowly falls in love with the reader.
Why are native South African Tribesman immune to lightning? 'cause you can't Shaka Zulu.
What do you call it when a pickle masturbates? Gherkin off
"Follow me!" Me: Don't tell me what to do, ERIC!!! (Me at an exercise class)
What did King Midas say to get peoples attention? Eh you!!
What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him naturally.
My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.
What goes 99-clonk 99-clonk 99-clonk ? A centipede with a wooden leg !
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick in someone's ass.
When did Anakin's Jedi Master know he was turning to the dark side? In the Sith grade.
What do you call a wolf once its found A there wolf
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
I'm doing a book signing at Barnes & Noble today. Nobody asked me to. It's not even my book.
The worst thing about browsing reddit is [removed]
Hey, bud. Who's Charles Foster Kane's favourite character in Titanic, bud? It's Rose, bud.
A tassel walks into a bar... The bartender yells out "Hey, you have to leave! We don't serve ropes here!" The tassel grins and says "Nope, I'm a Frayed knot!"
Anyone can overcome adversity. But it takes real strength to complain and then give up.
Black people play 2k, then go to them gym and start trying to be like Kobe. White people play Call of Duty, then go to school and try to go on a 25-kill streak.
DON'T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK! -and other things I hear from guys on first dates
What's the difference between a gun and a penis? One is used to kill brats, the other makes brats.
My credit has gotten so bad... ...that Mastercard started sending me bills in Spanish.
ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with BANKER: what M: oops i meant 'with which to take over the world'
A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays? Germany.
Q: What kind of tree grows in your hand? A: A palm tree.
What's got 2 thumbs and is worse than Donald Trump? No, seriously. I'm asking.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She's being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I'm holding has a more frightened expression
What is the opposite of prostitute? Constitute, of course
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
When Snoop Dogg fries bacon, he listens closely... ... fo' sizzle.
How do Muslim women get wrinkles off their faces? Fabric softener.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car? Because she was a woman!
Have you heard the joke about the butter? Never mind you would spread it around
*sees Deer Crossing sign* *further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix* "Oh wow, they weren't lying"
There are only 3 types of redditors... Those that post,
Have you ever had sex while camping? Is fucking intense...
What did Hitler get the Jews for Christmas? Nothing. Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
How does a carpenter effectively build stairs? He thinks one step ahead
Friend: I set a new personal record last week Me: Me too Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
What do you call an expert on fishing hooks and lures? A master baiter
As a fat guy I never really have more pep in my step... But I do occasionally get a little more throttle in my waddle.
My father was known for running marathons He never came back from the Boston one though But I knew that he'd say it was bomb I'm glad he went out with a bang
How does every black joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
My inability to proofread increases by 1000% after I press send. Danmit
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" The horse sues him for discrimination and wins $4.3 million and the bar.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches  orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file!
why do people insist D&amp;D players are squares? I mean, they party all the time!
Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight. It was a pretty brazen act of violence.
Since we have several people participating in the debate tonight... Would it be considered a mass debate?
I bought shoes from my drug dealer. I'm not sure what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.
What's a lawyer's favorite type of cake? Torte
My mother always scolded me for losing my stuff in school when I was a kid... That's probably the reason why I can't lose my virginity now.
I have to poop like the Joker... really, really bad.
Contrary To Popular Belief, Chuck Norris Won Super Bowl 46. By Phone
What did the Italian say to his grandmother with alzheimer's? fugetaboutit!
Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".
Why does Torque live on campus? Because cross products don't commute!
I met a girl in a bar last night and she said she wanted the night to be magical.... So I fucked her and disappeared.
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Well, I don't know how my tattoo is gonna look when I'm 60, Carol, but I know you'll be dead by then so
Why did the ghost go to jail? He got arrested for possession.
Two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" The other one looks at him and replies, "HOLY SHIT, A TAKING MUFFIN!!"
What's the difference between... deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are over a dollar; deer nuts are under a buck. (old but good)
Why is Stephen Hawking successful? He can't run away from his responsibilities.
I met a girl last night with an AOL email address. She also had no idea women could vote and that we have a black president.
Sadly, very few people get this joke: "A termite walks into a bar and asks 'Is the bar tender here?'" -What's your favorite joke that no one gets?
Found out that girls do not like re-gifting. So, I was walking along and this girl gave me a major hard-on. However, when I tried to give it back to her, she just slapped me and ran away screaming.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anna ! Anna who ? Annather brick in the wall !
What's in a name? Mainly, letters that make sounds.
What's the difference between a toilet seat and dinner? Dad doesn't piss all over his dinner. :D
Jack and Jill went up the hill with a dollar and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50
Why do pigs like February 14th? They get lots of Valenswines.
What is the coolest food on the planet? Burr-ito!
Why are there no midget accountants? They always come up short.
What do you call a chicken surrounded by men? A buk-buk-BUKKAKE!
My girlfriend asked me how I know so much about vaginas I had be honest, I told her I've been into them for years.
Who called it "the equals sign" and not "the aftermath"?
Water fountains are great for when I want to know what your building tastes like.
What does the sign on a closed brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
A sad dad joke A woman is at her father's deathbed. She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. "Dad, I'm sorry," she whispers. "Goodbye, Sorry," he says, "*I'm dead*."
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
Why do the Amazons like Sundays? Because there's no mail. (Male)
What do we want?! AIRPLANE NOISES! When do we want them?! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To impress a girl on a 1st date, rent a Ferrari. Then drive it off a bridge & try to save her. If you can't, whatever, you drove a Ferrari.
What kind of pistol should you use to shoot a bear? The one with the smallest barrel. It hurts the least when the bear shoves it up your ass.
It's like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man's life.
My girlfriend left me when I refused to go the gym with her. It's a shame our relationship didn't work out.
Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it's like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?
TIL: A study revealed that users never check the authenticity of facts they find on /r/todayilearned
What's the cruelest curse to wish upon a single guy? "I wish his hands were made of stone."
Reddit's search function
My Gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple. Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.
"...until death do us part." *looks at minister* "What about a Walking Dead situation where she's a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?"
Best exercise to lose a few pounds... So my friend who is a fitness instructor just came up with a new exercise to lose pounds in just a matter of days. He calls it the "Brexit".
Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar Hamburglar: you've got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You're thinking of hamburgerburglar
Marriage is like fruit Honeydew this, Honeydew that...
Oatmeal shouldn't get to have the word "meal" in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Doctor Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday?
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a dachshund? A hot diggity dog.
Do you have to go to the bathroom? No You sure? Yes How about now? No Now? No [movie begins] Daddy? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I was buying fruits the other day... ...and somebody stole my bike but that's okay I avocado.
My uncle was a fiend for oral and older women. We called him the aunteater
What you call a Dildo with six heads? Hail Hydra!
Smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.
Two cats decided to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff... The first cat jumped. The other was too much of a pussy.
Worst profession for take your kid to work day: Suicide Bomber
How much did the Olympic Games cost? About a Brazillion dollars.
What is the worst part about being socially anxious and trying to tell a joke to a group of people? You'll probably punch up the fuck line.
I once installed a sky light in my apartment. Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.
Hey, do you see that big yellow thing in the sky ? Yeah, the world revolves around that. Not you.
*at funeral* ME: I know how you feel FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel-- ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
First Woman On The Moon... First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with  me? It might help.
What did the hungry boss give his worker? Their celery!
I work in a deli and put my cock in the bagel slicer. I got fired... ... and so did she.
I have this Jewish friend. Hebrew beer for a living.
What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common? They both cost a lot, last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? Because he fingered a minor.
"Hey, Dad? Why don't you ever tell me you love me?" the dad looks at his son, smiles, and says, "You love me."
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Picasso Barbie ...everything's in the wrong place
Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!" Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."
Why did the Chihuahua laugh? The cow jumped over the moon.
Why does a tiger make such a good girlfriend? Because its not a cheetah.
Ernie hears from the kitchen "Hey Erine, want some ice cream?" "Sherbert!"
remember teens, u don't need to have premarital sex to be "cool." something as simple as smoking at church or shoplifting will do the trick
http://reddit.com/r/MensRights/
The Beatles drummer, Ringo Starr, has passed away... ...the band is now known as "The Beatless".
eer booze and fun!' 'A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman "Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?"
I hate being bi-polar.It's awesome.
Did you know they buried Steve Jobs in an orchard? Yep. He's still pushing apples.
What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.
Hispanic and black jokes are really all the same... Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
What's the difference between an Electrician and someone who's high? The electrician knows where the ground is.
did you hear about this new website which will have lots of info about penises they are planning to call it dickipedia
What was the Jewish child doing on the chimney? He was waiting for his parents.
LPT: Always sneeze when calling in sick to work So your boss always "nose" that you are really sick.
What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers!
What do you get if you encase Beyonce in rubber and drop her off a cliff? Bouncy Beyonce.
Hmm. Every fortune cookie I've opened in the past six months says "you will die screaming." Weird.
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? ....because he's married.
Couldn't tell if this really hot chick just waved at me in her car, or if she was just putting the sun visor down.
Is it ok to use my AM radio after  NOON?
People come up to me all the time in the street and they say to me, they say, "Joe, what's the difference between Hag Shavuot and Hag Ha-Katzir?" And I say to them, I say, "Oh, about fifty bucks."
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Running is a lot more fun when you're laying on the couch and not running
Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to tournaments Just in case they get a hole in one.
I asked a frenchman what his favorite game console was I don't think he understood me though, he just replied "oui".
Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!
How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day? F5
In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains: "Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."
Why do Lannisters hate turtles? Cause they can't stab them in the back
the good news is the doctor says I'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me....
Know why vodka is so clear? Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker? Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they're all there to be actors, and that it's total bullshit. Then he turned to wrestling.
TIL 78% of statistics are made up on the spot
What do you call a guy with a one inch penis? Justin.
Dear students, I know when you're texting Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, your teacher.
I wondered where my boomerang had gone. Then it came back to me
Why did the blonde run with her bike? Because it was going to fast for her to get on.
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange is the new black.
wut equasion do u use when u wanna kno tha prbility that u &amp; ur girl are gonna b 2gether 4ever? bae's theorem
Sausage festivals... They're the wurst kind.
I heard George Michael choked on a chocolate bar Careless Wispa
Chuck Norris farted once. He did this in the Sahara Rain Forest.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
When is a door not a door?? When it's ajar.
Why should you never take a swordfish out to dinner? Because you'll get stuck with the bill, and if you don't have money to pay the restaurant will call the cods on you. Fin.
Stranger:So,you're a parent? Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs S:cool, I'm sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat Me:.... Nope
Just got a text from Bill Cosby "Netflix and pill?"
When your momma taught you to look both ways she didn't mean be two faced.
Two muffins were in an oven... One says to the other, "is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" The other screams, "AHHHH! Talking muffin!"
Nerdy Fairy Tale "Grandmother, what big ears you have!" "Since I can't see you, I can at least hear you Infrared Ridinghood..."
I realized I left my tuba in the car with the doors unlocked... I raced back as quick as I could and sure enough when I looked inside, there were two tubas.
You know what they say: once you go Black... ... you'll always be blacker than Wayne Brady.
Wife: (shouting) Stop watching porn,..... Wife: (shouting) Stop watching porn, I can hear it in the kitchen. Husband: I'm not, it's Sharapova vs Serena.
Which teachers make pupils feel good about themselves? Maths teachers, they make everybody count.
Who took in most refugess? The Mediterranian Sea.
How do you LOL in N. Korea? ROR! No one raugh in North Korea!
There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.
OMG! I just got an email (in my bulk mail folder) from Oprah Winfrey!!! She's gonna help me increase the size of my penis!!!
I now win almost every argument with my zombie girlfriend I just give her a little piece of my mind!
The doctor thinks I need a penis reduction I asked him if it could wait until after my golf tournament.
#MarriedPeopleIssues You hang up.. No, you hang up... You hang up.... Noooo, you hang up. They're your clothes. I'm not your maid.
*says grace before snorting a fat rail of cocaine*
If you lower your expectations, you can never be disappointed... Lower them too far, and you'll end up in line for the new iPhone.
I heard dogs like to play with balls ...so I decided to get out the peanut butter
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster who got breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
*she hears me singing in the shower* Her: oh he's so cute *she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out* Her: NATE NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate? Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.
Why were all Roman buildings made of stone? They crucified the carpenter.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We'll be naming her tomorrow. Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Did you hear about the overweight terrorist? His dying words were "Allahu snack bar!"
They should make another Taken movie, about Liam Neeson's character being under-appreciated for trying to keep his family safe. "Taken 4: Granted"
Want to know why I look terrible? Well, half of it is my mother's fault.
As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God
Why did the witch get a car with manual transmission? Because she prefers to drive stick!
"I'm sorry. I haven't had sex for a very long time." -- and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
How does OP's mom turn on the lights after sex? She opens the car door.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids. Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
best joke When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, "Do I have to drink it
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon? It has great food, but it has no atmosphere.
Why shouldn't we talk about Catholic Priests? It's a touchy subject.
Have you heard the one about the airplane? Never mind. It's over your head.
What do a 9 volt battery and a woman's asshole have in common? You know you don't want to, but eventually you are going to lick them both
Ladies, please. Get a hold of yourselves. There's enough of me to disappoint all of you.
My ex-wife is like Barbie... The bitch has everything.
I artificially inseminated a cow this morning! It's true! No bull!
[NSFW] Prostitutes prices have gotten much cheaper You get more bang for your buck
Waitress: what will it be? Me: I'll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake? M: yes please
Three guys walk in to a bar... The 4th one ducks
I had a joke about the Jonestown massacre...... But the punch line was too long.
What do you call a group of people from Portugal? Portugeese
I gave every penny I had to the homeless guy the other day! Now I just have 20 $100 bills in my purse!
My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success. My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor.
I made a new app for Muslim wrestlers. iSlam
Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
One man's porn is another man's...well, porn, really. It's pretty much all porn for us. Nice sweater.
I'm only racist when I'm driving.
I really like non-sequiters But I prefer irony.
What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mothers vagina? Your mother's vagina gets some new content every once in a while.
Me + Bed + Pillow = Best threesome ever.
Get in the van! me?...*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?! *jogs after van*
Kim Jong Un's fat could be evenly distributed among his people so that all are well fed :/
That Allah guy sure is popular... I mean...His biggest fans are all dying to meet him.
Why is the Apple Store always so hot? They don't have Windows installed. ;)
2016 is like if the state of Florida became a year.
What do you call a pirate who is lost at sea and has to drink his own pee to survive? Aarrrrrrr Kelly!
Why can Chinese bands rehearse so much? They're never short of Sichuan musicians.
My wife just emailed me asking if we had any moving boxes I told her no... All of our boxes are still. That's why we purchased them from a stationary store.
What do you guys think of message boards? ....I'm all forum.
Just got home from the doctor, apparently I have a couple of kidney stones... It should be okay though, he told me that *these two shall pass.*
The acronym NASCAR stands for: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
If M. Night Shyamalan told a knock-knock joke. * Knock knock. * "Who's there?" * "M. Night Shyamalan." * "M. Night Shyamalan who?" * "Nah, I'm just messing with you. I was inside the whole time."
I'm making a device where if you push an already lit elevator button, you get Hepititis C
A German lands in Paris... Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him: -Occupation? -Oh, no no, just visiting!
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada. 8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
The other day I saw a brother holding his sister's hand while walking How...touching.
I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I'm going to answer it is your second mistake.
Landing a plane isn't hard. Taking off again though, that can be tricky.
"How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I'm good."
How many dead babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmy cannibals and the girls cross country team? The pygmy cannibals are cunning runts.
What do you get when you remove the center board from a wood bridge? A paradox.
I bring Mayweather with me when I work at customer service... Because he's great at avoiding fights.
What is the most popular novel in Mexico? Tequila mocking bird
How many south americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian.
The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a giraffe? ||elephant||||giraffe||sin()
I have the body of a god Shame it's Buddha
So, I'm thinking of getting a sex change. Currently I have none, but I identify as someone who does. EDIT: Changed relate to identify. I think it better that way.
Why is kim jong un such an asshole? he's mentally il.
I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
What's the best fabric Softener to use on a cat? Pounce...
I used to be brilliant at robotic dancing. I'm a bit rusty now though.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.
"Man I hate tacos!" Said no Juan ever.
Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is round Pupil: Well my dad says so my mum says so and you say so !
A doctor was listening to a teenage girl's heart "All right," he said, "take big breaths." "What?" she said. "Big breaths!" "Yeth!" she said. "And I'm only thixteen!"
What do sea mammals say when something happens against their kind? Oh, the huge-manatee
What's the similarity between communism and a pencil? They both only really work on paper
How do we know Jesus turned water into wine at parties? Because if he turned the **wine** into **water** someone would have kicked the shit out of him.
What do you call a snobby felon falling down the stairs? A condescending condescending!
What motivated Hercules to face off against Cerberus? Alcmene triple-dog-dared him.
I tried to explain Pokemon to my 4-year-old. After hearing myself say it out loud, I'm pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
What do you call a Palestinian women? A Jewish Fuck Bag.
I accidentally bought regular Cheerios instead of Honey Nut and now my breakfast tastes like I'm attending a party sober.
My friend and I always fight over the electric drill It can get a little bit heated.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She's aaall over me it's crazy. Eel: For the last time barnacles don't count as girlfriends
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Did you guys hear about the Trump winery? It's only whites.
What's up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?
The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I'm amazed I haven't tried to date it yet
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*
Today I was told a question is a great way to start a conversation. What do you think?
Apparently I can tell the future. If I want something really bad I know it won't happen.
Why is it called an Xbox One? Because you do a one and walk away.
What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists? The Que Que Que?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Women should come with permanent mood rings.
Son? "Yes dad?" If they ever put me on my death bed... I want you to... "Yes?" Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
What's the best thing about a hooker dying on you? Second hour is free.
I hope Jackie Chan doesn't go the way of Eddie Murphy... I probably wouldn't be able to discern if he was playing every character in a movie or not.
Have you heard the joke about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
My Japanese girlfriend just broke up with me... To cheer me up, my friend told me "There are plenty more in the sea."
Why didn't The African go to the classical music event? He was a baroque ass' negro
You just lost the game.
If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard.
What do you call a sort-of cool vegetable? A Radish
ME: *to friend* you're dumb as a box of rocks lol BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Best excuse for missing work The voices told me to clean the guns.
I asked my husband for the newspaper. "Don't be silly," he said. "Use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it.
My analogies are like vacuums.... They suck.
When should you buy a bird? When it's going Cheep.
A pirate made a spoof about his bird. It was Parroty
Why don't Jews live on Jupiter? Because its a gas planet!
Blonde joke What is the first nursery rhyme blondes learn in primary school? A. Hump me dump me!!
Another MBA joke. funny! By the time you finish your MBA, you have most probably got one of these: new house, new job, new car or a new partner (Copied from Twitter @ManasBhardwaj)
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
The Welsh came up with the idea for sheep intestine condoms. The English decided to remove the rest of the sheep first.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
What did one ocean say to the other? "Check out this awesome plane I got! I hear Malaysian is a pretty rare brand." "Nah man, they aren't; I got one too."
Do you want to get dinner sometime? Sorry, I said that wrong. Do you want to get me dinner sometime? Like deliver food to me and then leave?
This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
What was Osama bin Laden's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
They say to have reasonable expectations when dating, and to look in a mirror to see what you can get. 2/10 looking for a 10/2, please pst
A Jewish girl asks her father for $50 "$40 dollars!" he says, "Why do you need $30?!".
Why did the horror fan switch off Cujo? Because he felt like IT
Why couldn't the Hungarian programmer buy a third long? Because he only had Forints! Thank you thank you, tip your waiter.
"just got my rejection letter from MENSA" -idiots.
Don't people who say "cray cray" realize how stew stew they sound?
What do you call a mother who lies about being a father? transparent
What do you call a salty white person? A saltine.
What can conspiracy theorists never explain? They say that 9/11 was an inside job... but planes fly OUTSIDE. Can't explain that
"I'd have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off." -soon to be disappointed praying mantis
One girl did a presentation in hittites and she went through while presentation... straight faced calling it "high-titties" everyone was losing it and she couldn't figure out why.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? They Lactose.
I bet nobody here knows the name of the "unknown soldier" It's probably because they're so undrground.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Adrian Peterson got a new job... he was picked up by the Minnesota twins... He's gonna be their new "switch hitter"
If Sean Connery was in the bathroom and told someone what he was doing, it would sound like he was repeating himself. "I'm shitting in here, pooping."
This is your captain speaking... **AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!**
I met a German girl today. Her phone number is pretty weird, it's all nines.
Reinventing Yourself http://dryinginside.blogspot.com/2012/10/reinventing-yourself-doesnt-always-work.html
Dear un-followers, I feel sorry for you... Your timeline will no longer be sexy. Sincerely, me
An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.
I just read Fahrenheit 451. That book is lit.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. "good tacos boston"
When you are young you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer
This girl said she wouldn't have sex with me because she was on her period... I'd say her excuse was spotty at best.
My wife calls my penis Nicolas Cage It's highly temperamental and tends to go off for no reason at all.
Just heard about the new sex tape with Paul McCartney's daughter and Matthew McConaughey... It's called Interstellar McCartney.
2012 me can't believe 2005 me actually knew 8 people I liked enough to put in a MySpace Top 8.
A cowboy walks into a gay bar... He tells the bartender "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls." The bartender replies "well, moo moo buckaroo."
House Painter I was a house painter for five years, I never thought I was going to get that house painted.
Russell Crowe had an affair with Meg Ryan He's gladiator.
I'm eating for six, according to the serving size on every single package of everything ever.
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts
Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Did you hear about the German republication of Mein Kampf? It's causing a lot of Fuhrer.
What's a monsters favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet
#1 Handjob Tip for Women: Use your mouth.
A couple is lying in bed. The husband says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."The wife replies,... ..."I'll miss you."
Pedophiles aren't all that bad at least they go slow in school zones!
I'm more emotionally invested in this sandwich than I am in most humans.
What's a Rabbis' favorite drink? Semenade
Me: "Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor." 3yo: "You're welcome Mom, look at this!"*scatters more on floor I deserve that.
What did the meter sticks say to the lonely ruler? You just don't belong.
When I was younger, everyone used a wristwatch, but now everyone has a clock on their phone. How times have changed.
Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive.
My problem is, I'm about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
What's the difference between a red head and a blue head? Your grip.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I'm the only party guest.
Steam Greenlight
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don't know.
What's better than going to Westford Academy? Going to Westford high
relationships are like farts too much force will result in shit
Did you hear about the missing dalmatian? It's been spotted.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
In your will, be sure to write you want to be cremated. The night before you die, eat as many popcorn kernels as humanly possible.
Emos have the hairiest pussies Because you know they don't use those razor blades to shave
I was looking for some camo jokes but I couldn't find any
I'm such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Life is a lot like a Penis.. Simple,soft,straight,relaxed and hanging freely..then a woman makes it hard...!!!
What do you call a Muslim ganglord with a penchant for Noodles? Ramendon
Women are just like wine In my cave.
I just bought a 3D kindle. Or a book as it is more commonly known.
German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD. Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"
Why did Microsoft skip windows 9 and annouce windows 10? Because windows 7 8 9
If the Swiss Army knife is so good.... How come the Swiss army never fights?
Give me that! You're going to hurt yourself! *takes toy *hurts self with toy 4: Hahahaha
What did the head say to the butt? Better to be ahead than behind.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I don't always roll a joint but when I do, It's my ankle
So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
A college lecturer asks his students who is poorer... A man with $1000 but is $750 in debt, or a man with $250. The hall is silent for a moment, then a student stands up and answers "Me."
What do you call a knight with a morning star? Don
What does Monica Lewinsky say to call her dog over? "Come, spot!"
If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress.
...I wanted to design defensive structures for the city.... as it turns out, not my Forte.
Morning is like someone constantly whispering "fuck you" into your ear.
You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Ever since getting married, I've become really into politics. Everyday I hold my own caucus!
What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed? "I'm going to bed." Except he said it in Hungarian.
Shawty: Where's the naan brad Lad: there's naan left...
Over the past year my sexual perversions have been getting more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom.
Broom advocates for cleaner work environment.
I am one bottle of shower gel away from being able to open my own Christmas gift shop in my shower.
So i used to be terrible at asking for things in restaurants... I used to be too nervous to ask for condiments at restaurants... but one day i mustered the courage.
Always leave a bad date by politely spilling your drink on the floor, and telling him your water broke.
What do you get when you cross a mountain-climber with a mosquito? Nothing, you can't cross a scaler with a vector.
I went to the store for some flatbread... They had naan.
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ? She's got that down in the mouth look !
I used to have a fat joke with good taste but your mom ate it.
is a cat supposed to shit more than i shit? asking for a cat that shits more than i shit.
Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.
Blondes are dumb whores... They all think less than equals three.
A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"
"I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won't admit it." Guys named Geoff.
Poor Schapelle Corby, shes missed out on so much the past 10 years. Imagine the 1st time she goes to use the self serve checkouts at coles 'Unexpected item in bag.' "Shit not this again"
I used to be conceited, ... but now I'm perfect.
Why couldn't the cop save the hippie from drowning? He was too far out man
What should you wear when drinking tea? A tea-shirt.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week Phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
What award was given to the best Knock Knock joker? The No-Bell prize!
I'm not late, I'm just giving you extra time to do shit on your phone.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
Hub: What's this? Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I'm a little closer to freedom. Hub: *puts $100 in* Me:...
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
I was at the theatre seeing a tragedy and the man behind me started wailing. I got hit in the head with a harpoon.
A cat met her long lost boyfriend after 35 years and says.. Meow meow...
I've got 0 problems... and math is one of them.
Hey yogurt, settle down with the commercials. You're YOGURT!
'Ghost In The Shell' ran tests to make white actors look asian. Turns out actors aren't very good at math.
I started chewing nicotine gum the other day. I don't smoke, but I gradually want to start. =)
How do dogs order eggs at restaurants? Pooched.
Your mom fails so hard at life...[nsfw] I gave her a D out of sympathy.
Want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? I used to really love tractors.
How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag? Take the "s" out of Safe and the "f" out of way.
I asked a sexy chinese girl for her number, she replied sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight... I said wow, I must be in luck, until her friend grabbed me and said, she means 6663629
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Your dog may be smarter than an honor student... but when was the last time you saw a mother carrying a plastic bag in case her honor student shits in the neighbor's yard?
I hope you won't mind if I stare toward your house at dusk in an expressionless porcelain mask.
Police arrested two kids yesterday , one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
What do you call a gay cripple? Tomato.
10 things you didn't know you could do with a selfie stick. 1. *Use selfie stick to stuff rags in your exhaust pipe* 2.*Use selfie stick to beat ppl who have selfie sticks* 3
I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Austen ! Austen who ? Austen-tentatiously well off !
Pistorius won't have trouble finding his feet when they jail him, they will be kept in a box next to the door
What's a frog's favorite place on the internet. "Reddit."
Why is it true that if vegans ate you it would not be cannibalism? Because you are fucking nuts
My Girlfriend is Like the square root of -100 A perfect ten, but completely imaginary.
What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey? How're ye gettin' on?
Why do SJWs like cancer? Because it doesn't discriminate.
Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.
What do you call a guitar that has completely changed parts? Trans-Fender.
Why did Sally fall of the swingset? She had no arms. BONUS JOKE: Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
me and grandma are eating bread pudding and watching murder mysteries, she says what's up
What's the most common "last words"? Allah Hu Akbar
What's the best about dead childrens jokes? They never get old.
Watched a TV show about Stroke Survivors last night Needless to say it was a bit one sided
Its disgusting and derogatory to call a gay man a fruit How could something so pure and sweet be compared to a homosexual!!!
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a  lightbulb ? A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
Clickbait... ... it works everytime!
How many cops does it take to push a black man down a flight of stairs? None. He "fell".
Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.
A joke my girlfriend came up with today... "Can you let me out the basement for 5 minutes?"
What did the two lesbian vampires say to each other? Same time next month?
Was going to wear my camouflage pants today Couldn't find them.
Worst part about a dead puppy? Walking them is a real drag.
Why you shouldnt vote for Hillary because Bill always chose someone other than Hillary, and you should too
Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he "won't be coming back to the UK in a hurry". Well played, Great Britain. Job done.
What do you call a black attorney? A brotha-in-law
I tried to get my Liberal Girlfriend to play Chess But she got really mad when I told her that Whites went before Blacks and the Queen has to die for the King.
in case you're wondering I don't want to be buried in any of the cemeteries near my house Since I'm not dead yet.
Classic Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? Because it scares the dogs!
Life is one long earthquake for those tiny dogs who are always shaking.
A beautiful woman in the cafeteria just gagged while eating her banana... She's now dead to me.
So a suicide bombing instructor walks into his classroom... ...and says, "Okay, I'm only going to show you guys this once..."
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase* Her: that's supposed to be a couch.
"Popping your cherry" is more a female term 4 losing ones virginity. What can guys call it? How about bleeding white?
it has been suggested that men think about sex every 8 seconds I can tell you that's a complete phallus
My favorite sexual position is the JFK... It's where I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
I'm 1% inspiration, 1% perspiration, 98% masturbation.
Donald Trump's White House [Not too sure how to link this](http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/images/user3303/imageroot/2015/07-overflow/20150731_trump.jpg)
Live each day as if everyone loves you because self-delusion is underrated as a coping mechanism.
I bought my wife a refrigerator for her birthday. I know it's not the best gift in the world, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
Why are fisherman so successful in business? Because they use "net" profits
What does a philosopher put his/her food on? A contemplate
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they're not confused with feminist. Sorry.
Joke From My Niece Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some  cheese ? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath !
There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.
Why couldn't Billy the Jet go flying with his friends? Because he was grounded.
A man enters the drum section of a music store.. Shopkeeper: "Sir, you can play here for a while, but then I've gotta ask you to beat it."
Facebook features three types of women: hot, Photoshopped hot, and a dog for a profile pic.
I told my mate that my newborn baby's stomach was the size of a walnut. . . . "Just feed him a walnut then."
Walking into WalMart with my kids, "Remember, kids - use your Target voices."
Dog training The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.
Explanation of HANDSOME A twosome is sex with two people, and a threesome is sex with three people. That's why some men keep getting called handsome.
What's the Islamist term for acceptable internet humor? Ha-lol.
Have you heard about the old wheel that got a new image? He retired.
What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree? "I freed the what?"
#VALUE!
What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love it will be for heifer.
Movie was a real turkey! Could someone explain this joke to me it's driving me crazy! Libby: How was the movie? Brian: A real turkey. I could hardly sit through it the second time!
I put the Christmas tree in our bed. Hopefully my wife will be okay with us having a treesome.
Just spent an hour attempting to explain to my 3 year the difference between Baltimore and Voldemort.
Dad: Look at this cute photo of my baby Just kidding, this isn't freaking Facebook!
I can't wait to be 80 & nostalgic over the time I spent staring at my phone screen.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds
I want to share this great joke about time But I'm not sure how to tell it.
Personnel Director: What would you do  if you broke your arm in two places? Vanderkron: I wouldn't go to these places no more!
"Lift those weights, see if I care." Said the impersonal trainer.
The largest circle jerk on the planet? http://i.imgur.com/fXivJ5X.jpg [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/fXivJ5X.jpg)
I think her gash must have a rash For the last time I licked it, my head went bare, my tongue grew hair, and my nose fell off when I picked it
I want to get a life coach so I can pour Gatorade on him when I do well.
What do you call a talent show where they try to discover a porn star with singing talent? The Sex factor
What do a Texas tornado and an Oklahoma divorce have in common? Either way someone's losing a trailer.
I don't know if this is a good idea. Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Justin Timberlake has announced he's involved with a sequel the The Dark Crystal. He's bringing Skeksis Back.
What do you call group of mentally handicapped kids at a performance of "Peter Pan"? Slow Children At Play
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
Where do criminal spiders hang out? The deep web
[pitching movie] "It's Titanic..." Go on "from the iceberg's perspective" holy shit
A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house
Wife:What is 10 years with me? Wife:What is 10 years with me? Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me? Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second
Two flies are on a toilet seat. One gets pissed off.
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I". Paul: I is the... Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is." Paul: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on it's own? Because it was two tired.
whats the best way to go cliff diving? without the body of water
I found out R. Kelly had sex with that girl because she reminded him of his mother He has an Oedipiss complex.
What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters? Jesus may actually return some day.
Wedding day Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn't that great, but let me tell ya the reception was great.
Do you know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun.
Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover? When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.
Wife: What would you do if I died? Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry? Husband: Ah, not that crazy..
Want to hear a joke about vaginas? Actually nevermind, you'll probably never get it
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn't for you.
So, its blasphemy you want? Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a sand-nigger.
Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?
How much sex does one of God's brides have? Nun
My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.
Two elephants were standing in the shower. One elephant said to the other "pass the soap" the other elephant said "there's no soap radio"
Customer: Why is this sandwich half eaten?  Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.
If Donald Trump becomes the President of the United States of America... ...there will be hell toupee!
What the hell Hollywood? I've never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it's blood.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I'll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
What do you get when you cross a busy road with a broken leg and a blindfold? Hit.
Why couldn't Led Zeppelin play pinball? They had No Quarter
Don't make me use UPPERCASE.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
How To Ride An Escalator: -Step 1 -Now Just Chill for a Bit
A handsome man came up to me today & said "Hi what's your name?" I said "You on Twitter?" He said "No" We're getting married on Monday!
There are two types of people in the world... ...those who pee in the shower, and liars.
What do you call an insignificant underage coal digger? A minor minor miner
Clint Eastwood should do a movie where he is a crotchety old sysadmin. Then we could have the line: "Get off my LAN."
A female midget FBI agent went undercover to bust a drug gang by sleeping with gang members. She was known as the Little Fed Riding Hood.
There's no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn't like "yeah right."
Meet my new lizard friend... He's my newt!
What did the Swedish chef say to his girlfriend when he found out she was pregnant? Abort - Bort - Bort!
I can't stop traveling to Southern Spain. It's all so Moorish.
What's the difference between light and hard? I can sleep with a light on.
I know Mexican culture is big on traditions: baptism at birth, ear piercing as a baby, but what's the one they do when they turn 15? Have a baby.
If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.
Last week i just robbed my first bank in my new Frog outfit. I Kermited a major offense
I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock down your throat ;)
So I got a little drunk last night. I was out on my porch yelling "Get off of my lawn!" at my wife's yard gnomes.
My wife told me I don't have to wear a condom anymore.. Now I only have to wear one when we're having sex
never trust an atom they make up everything
Don't ever buy your shoes from your drug dealer. I think he laced mine with something, I've been tripping all day
My girlfriend has trouble with flying me too, that's why I use a plane.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide!
Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!
I once made an apathetic club. No one cared enough to attend the meetings, though.
Today's lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.
Damn Girl, did you fall from heaven? Cus your face is fucked up.
Unemployed joke #2843 I know a couple jokes about unemployed people. Too bad none of them work.
Peek-a-Boo! by I. C. Hugh
What do you get when you cross Paris Hilton with Iggy Azalea? A horribly depraved piece of human garbage.
As soon as you take a single slice of pizza... ...there's no longer enough to go around.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts. My favorite joke of all time.
Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.  'Look Mum! No hands! Look Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look Mum! No  teeth!'
Hitler sponsors a 10k... He calls it the "Master Race"
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I'm beginning to wonder if you're a T-Rex.
You cant run through a campground .. You can only ran ... because it's past tents.
If you're a chick who says "chivalry is dead" I hate to be the one to tell you, but its only dead for you because you're ugly.
Sitting around the outdoor campfire I chuckle to myself My friend asks, what's so funny? I reply, "I can't tell you out here, it's an inside joke."
Mexicans and blacks are a lot alike. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.
Why did the Police hurry over to the Black Lives Matter Riot? To beat the crowd!
Pasta &amp; Postmodernism What did the spaghetti say to the postmodernist ravioli? Stop being such an intellectual im-pasta.
What do bears in Mexico eat? The same shit as all the other bears. What? Were you expecting a pun?
Bad Luck Lincoln: Comes back from the dead, faces his fear by seeing a concert In Paris
One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand... ... and he says "Make me one with everything".
A blind man Walks into a bar A table and a chair
Rumors are that Harry Styles is BiSexual according to a recent interview I hear they're going to change the name of the band to 'Both Directions'
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex? Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position!
LPT: If a non-Redditor sends you a funny pic/video on Facebook, don't tell them you already saw it last week on Reddit. You don't want them to finally realize you're a neckbeard.
Dance like nobody's watching. Do the dishes like nobody's watching. Change into that robe like nobody's watching. No, the other one.
This cracked me up at work tonight! Did you hear about the famous actress that slit her throat tonight? What's her name? Reese... Reese Witherspoon? No with a knife
What does the last man on earth watch on tv? reruns
What do you call a retarded five year old chained to a slab with his asshole lubed up? "Daddy."
A group of Asian kids at our local high school were busted recently for running a math lab.
Why do medicine boxes always have a little bit of cotton in them? To remeber the black man of what he did before he dealt drugs.
Hear about the man with a penis shaped like a rocket?... His wife was over the moon
Why can't a blonde dial 911? Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
What is a Freudian slip? A Freudian slip is when someone says one thing when thinking of amother.
Why was the chicken afraid to cross the road? Because it's a chicken.
I swallowed my keys It's a pain in the ass getting in and out of the doors.
How do you know if your girlfriend is ticklish? You give her a test-tickle.
Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it's bark was worse than it's bite.
I like having conversations on elevators because you know there's a time limit.
Knock Knock
Did you hear about the monkey who was a virgin and didn't care? Zero fucks gibbon. (sorry)
How do you know if a wizards gay? It disappears with a poof.
Andreas Lubitz. Is the first German pilot to record 150 kills in 70 years.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down ME (having panic attack): sorry I've never flown before PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Life is like a box of chocolates Which doesn't quite fit in the username box
nsfw joke: What's the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds? There's twenty of them
What do you call a bear with no teeth? *A gummy bear.*
What reads and lives in an apple ? A bookworm !
Where did the little Japanese girl go when the little boy dropped by? Everywhere.
The last item on my bucket list is dying. How convenient.
Why didn't Ronald McDonald like to go fishing? Because every time he did, he'd catch a whopper.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family.
What is the difference between a seal and a sea lion? an electron
The bartender asks, "what can I get you?" A neutrino walks into a bar. (See it arrived before it set off... myeh)
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? Dam.
My own ass has been talking shit... but it's just a bunch of hot air.
The inventor of predictive text has died... His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
What's the difference between a chef and a gay guy? A chef doesn't stir yesterday's food.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.
What do you call a woman in the living room? A tourist.
Why did Minnie Mouse break-up with Mickey Mouse? Because he was fuckin' Goofy.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like...watch.
How rare was the disease that killed Tom Jones' wife? It's not unusual
What's Adrian Peterson's favorite gaming system? Nintendo Switch
Right now the United States and China are tied in total Olympic medals! Of course we trail in Gold medals because every time we win one we have to turn it over to China to pay our debt!!!
[waiting for elevator] Coworker: Hey, how's it go- Me: I'll take the stairs.
What makes a ISIS joke funny? The execution.
Nursing Problems As a Nurse, its my job to have patients - Oh the irony in how the 'patients' have absolutely no patience for me. My job is to save your ass..(colonoscopy etc.) Not Kiss It. :D
Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.
How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger? His mom is Thai and his dad is.......
My wife with a hearing aid died RIP headphone users
Shark Who Attacked Surfer: "I Was Just Trying To Impress My Girlfriend"
So a girl asked me what my kinks were. Me: "I'm into rape-play. Do you want to come over later?" Her: "No!" Me: "Great! See you at 7?"
And then the doctor says... Now, what did I do with my pen?
Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
Whats the hardest part about being a pedophile you ask? Trying to fit in.
What did the physicist say to the suicidal guy on the bridge? Don't do it! You have potential!
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
I think I owe my vibrator a Valentines Day card.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can't get any worse, please remember...I don't give a shit.
How do you say "bra" in german? CUZITHODZITFOMFOPIN.
I'm beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
A Haiku on the Rules of Writing a Haiku Syllable structure: First five, then seven, then 5. Just like this one isn't.
What did Hillary Clinton say to the battered black woman? We've both been beaten by a black guy, let's not let it happen again.
Why did Jon snow wait outside he Apple Store for 3 days? For the watch
The 30-second elevator ride without cell service or Wi-Fi is by far the most terrifying part of my day.
I'm glad I know sign language... It comes in handy sometimes.
Jesus loves you. A nice thing to hear in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
So me and my ex never worked out I was a cancer she was a cunt.. Anything but a Virgo and her Pisces smelt like a Taurus
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please get out of the pool"
Things I haven't seen in a while: 1) the 2yo I'm babysitting today 2) a man 3) my waist-line 4) my imaginary goat, Bill 5) my sanity
Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu? Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
why did the hipster burn his tounge? because he ate the pizza before it was cool.
What is faster than a black person with your TV ? His brother with your DVD player.
What's Spider-Man's least favourite rice brand? Uncle Ben's...
The clear history button in your browser has saved more lives than Superman.
Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50.... ... Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes. ... ... Riceless.
Freddie Mercury: I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I'M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number  ELEVEN ? A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
I only stop browsing Reddit when I accidentally hit something ..or when it's time to wipe
I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and stored in the freezer... ** Stolen from a TV comic I heard, to I take no credit, here
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes......how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
0 Jokes Q: What did Zero say to Eight? A: Nice belt. Q. What did Zero say to Nine? A: Nice dick. Q: What did Zero say to Ten? A: Hey don't kick my ass.
"How do you speak with an American accent?" "Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you're out for revenge."
Wanna hear a clean joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.
What do you call a black gynecologist? A gynecologist, you racist bastard!
A wise man learns from his mistakes. A wiser man learns from others' mistakes.
What does Game of Thrones have in common with The Sixth Sense? Icy Dead People
China has entered the space race. In other news, the first outer space restaurant is set to be named "The Space Wok"
What does Sonic say on the first day of Ramadan? Gotta go fast!
I just deleted all the German contacts from my phone. It's Hans free
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Huge tits.
If you're wearing Superman undies, but she's a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.
H: I don't understand what goes on in your head. Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this. H: No, we're good.
What do you get when you combine Soccer and Baseball? Golbat.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
When someone shows you they don't want to be a part of your life, let them go. I'm not saying you can't make a voodoo doll of them, though.
What will never be read in braille? Do not touch.
Q: What do small businesses cry when account executives harass them for money? A: Yelp!
What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross? THE FEET, THE FEET, THE FEET!!!
There is a new drink at my bar. It's called a Sandy. It's basically a watered down Manhattan.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. :^)
Name your newborn Cylinder so the day he finishes high school he'd become a Graduated Cylinder
Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing  scratching cat fight? - A: Claude
Cross posted to r/Christianity
What kind of shoes do bears wear? None because they go barefoot.
How to piss off the JokeExplainBot?
Someday, my prince will come. I hope it's soon, my arm's tired.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.
What's the best way to get a man to remember  your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
The inventor of the air conditioner has died. Thousands of fans attended his funeral.
How do you get a black guy out of a tree? Cut the rope. Anyone else have good black jokes?
Did you hear that Jada is pregnant by Alexis ? They plan to call the baby "pinkitt"
All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. :)
I usually don't pay for sex... ...but sometimes I like to splurge.
Today I really missed my Ex I think I need a better scope.
wwe joke about royal rumble breaking new kofi kingston win the royal rumble and win the new wwe word heavyweight championship
Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me! Police officer: That's a salt!
What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room? A full set of teeth
POLISH JOKE WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIMPLE ON A POLISH GUYS ASS? A: A BRAIN TUMOR
I hate people who... I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Why did the pregnant woman love to tell jokes? Because she had a pun in the oven!
If getting a tan is wrong then I don't wanna be white.
That awkward moment when you can't decide if it's just a bad pic or you really look like that.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? Rip-off.
What do little piglets do on a Saturday night?  Have a pigjama party!
Why doesn't Mr T like cream and mashed fruit? He pities the fool.
Why is the apostrophe always near an "s"? Because it is possessive
Fellas, imagine having your balls roughly kneaded for two days straight. Congratulations you just experienced menstrual cramps.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
All my gay friends must be businessmen... cause they keep talking about their partners.
If your vagina or dick were to be an animal, what would it be? Just curious and looking for laughs lol.
The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
Why don't blind people sky-dive? (from "Money Train") Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
Why did the perv leave? Because he came.
I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos but it's hard... So hard.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate Let me know if you can come or not
Why do so many Italian men wear mustaches? So they can look like their mothers.
"making decisions" Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? . Student: Well...yes and no.
What do you call a deaf Gynocologist? A lip reader.
wanna here my to do list your mum
Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
Remember, if you're ever being attacked by a mob of clowns Always go for the juggler.
Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.
My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning. The toughest part was acting surprised.
Your favorite one liner/quick joke? When bored at work I snapchat jokes to friends. Need new material. Could use your favorite short joke.
Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day? Pupil: The school bus!
When god gives you AIDS... Make Lemon AIDS!!!
If you have 100$, and your girlfriend has 100$. Your girlfriend has 200$
What do you call a group of crows dressed as geese? A murder most fowl
What do you call a mobile homes for rabbits? Wheelburrows!
When I moved to LA I moved in with the HOTTEST chick... But she found out I was living there and called the police.
When a man can't open a jar, he has to throw it away and never speak of it again.
Did you hear about the sick ghost? He had oooooo-ping cough.
2 fish. there are 2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "How the fuck do you drive this thing?"
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
What kind of make up was the girl wearing on  Halloween? Mash-scara!
What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand Quatro'sinco'ses
I'm going to get a sleeve tattoo of a farmers tan.
I farted in a room of hipsters I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
The Six States of Matter Solid Liquid Gas Plasma Bose-Einstein Condensate Black Lives
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong
Why don't taxi drivers talk to each other? They already know everything.
Little Brother: I'm going to  buy a sea horse. Big Brother: Why? Little Brother: Because I want to play water polo!
Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!! And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on "COPS"
If you know this one than we are probably friends. * Man 1: Knock Knock. * Man 2: Who's there? * Man 1: KGB. * Man 2: KGB wh- *get's slapped* * Man 1: WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!
when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I'd just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me
Why is Italy's birth rate decreasing? Because they pull out at the last second.
Ironically I'm watching an exercise infomercial because I'm too lazy to get the remote.
(-1) 23   and it was delicious.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Hide-and-go-seek winner from last year.
Go to bed barstool. You're drunk
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I was just laid by this chick.
People are smoking weed today They all think that today is 4/20, too.
There's a fine line... Between a numerator and a denominator.
Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped  Easter egg? Because they're both cracked!
I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in a bag.
I heard Mexicans are pretty good at boxing Strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, tomatoes.
I started a band called 999 MegaBytes... We haven't got a gig yet...
Where do Muslims go when they die? Everywhere
What do you call the armed group in Oregon? Vanilla Isis.
Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster. He wore a crown before it was cool.
How do you find a blind man in a strip club? It isn't hard
How's it hanging? directly below the point of suspension
How do you find the vegan on tumblr they find you
Why do elephants wear green shoes? So they can sneak across pool tables. Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table? Works, doesn't it?
Say "Unreliable Airline" three times fast. Delta Delta Delta
I went for a depression test. Came back negative.
I go hours without using the restroom just so I can let out a huge orgasmic moan when I start to pee & scare other women in the ladies room.
TIL javelins were invented in a region of northern France.. Britanny Spears.
Heard about the magic tractor? It went down a road and turned into a field.
Why are Republicans so insistent on a war in the Middle East? Because its good Christian values to invade the Middle East.
"Hey mom can Kyle come over?" mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people's- [From outside] LOOFAS!
My wife said i was being immature, so i told her to get the fuck out of my fort.
Someone asked me why I only date terminal cancer patients... They asked if I did it to show them love during their waning months, which is a nice thought. But I'm really just bad with commitment.
A girl's best asset is her lie' ability
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Black magic.... It doesn't work.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
Where can I fit 40 jews in my car The ashtray.
When villainy didn't pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Say what you want about deaf people.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure but whatever....
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it. (credit to Tasteless)
How is a chronic disease unlike the 9th Doctor, but like the 10th Doctor? It sticks around for more than 1 Season, and doesn't want to go.
The difference between Jazz Hands and Blues Hands... The number of fingers and where you tell people to put them.
3 mods walk into a bar. [removed]
A duckling joke Why do baby ducks walk softly? Because they can't walk, hardly.
I can eat a rope and have it come out tied at the other end. . . I shit you knot
A 64 years old male tourist swept away in Amazon river, where did he end up? Local Brazilian newspaper...
What do a stoner lost in the desert and Bolivia have in common? They're both really high and have no access to water.
I thought my secret vasectomy would just keep my wife from getting pregnant, but sometimes...... ... it just changes the color of the baby.
What rabbit wears on his back while flying? Eagle
Why is Santa so Jolly? Cause he knows where all the bad girls live.
Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can't do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like "You guys don't know her very well"
I recently got so excited shopping online... I accidentally shipped my pants.
The bathroom is the best room in the world... People expect shit-all of you there
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
When it comes to physically abusive relationships... They are hit or miss
Q: Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy? A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.
Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur? A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus.
"Thanks for nothing, Evolution." - Flightless Birds
Q: What's green and has wheels? A: Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.
My parents always warned me about having sex before marriage... But somehow I'm in their wedding picture.
 Q: Why did Hitler shoot himself? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He lost WW2.
A Rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar... The bartender said "You three get the hell out of my bar! I don't want to be part of a joke."
You know you've truly grown up when you realize your parents knew exactly what they were talking about
Sex is like playing cards.. if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.
What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday Night Fever.
When does 1+1=3? ..... When you don't use a condom.
Take a trip to Japan and wash away your worries!
This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.
What does Bruce Lee drink when he's thirsty? Wa-TAH!
A white Russian walks into a bar The bartender says: we have a cocktail named after you. The Russian replies: do you have a cocktail named Vladimir?
Don't worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Convince neighbours you're shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann's mayonnaise.
I once made a joke about kissing with garlic breath. Apparently it was in poor taste.
Pharmacist: need any help? Me: Yes, I'd like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car
How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit fam.
I started a revolution once. But I got dizzy, so i stopped!
I went on a date with a Vacuum Salesperson last night... It sucked.
One man gave his life, so you could have everything you ever wanted, and his name was     JOHN CENA    
I asked a fetus if it wanted some food, and it replied: 'no thanks... ... I gestate.'
Why are black people tall? Because their knee grows. Sorry, I had to do this.
"Honey, wouldn't you like to go back to the 60s?" "Of course not! I like today's technology too much." "But honey I'm talking about kilos you fat cow"
Did you hear about the hermit in the storm cloud? I heard the advice he gives is enlightning!
I'm not a narcissist. Narcissists spend their time looking at themselves in the mirror. I don't need to do that to know I look fabulous.
horror story in 4 words good morning, president trump.
Did you hear about the new show about a camel on a cow ranch? It's been called a dairy drama about a dromedary.
I rang my boss and said "what is the difference between work and your daughter?" "I don't know" "I am not coming into work today".
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world... It's called Crystal Meh.
What does a gay bird-keeper do for fun? He sucks a cockortwo!
Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'
Why did the scarecrow win the award? Because he was outstanding in his field
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee. I'm gay.
I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k. It was a trip down memory lane.
Hug a terrorist Only 30% of people have hugged the person they're going out with.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie] GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over GUY: *cries into walkie* it's roger isn't it?? over
COLLEGE MEMORIES: After the girl I was kissing used my bathroom, I noticed my toilet seat was left up. So I asked if I could suck her dong.
What did the deer first say when he got to church? Deer God, please forgive me of my sins.
what do you call the skin around a vagina a woman
Why do ghosts get invited to parties? Because they always bring boos.
How come when a child shouts "This is dumb" at a wedding it's considered cute, but when I do it, I'm immediately replaced by another priest?
What is Samsung's next Note series phone after Note 7? Samsung Not Explode
What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe Ones got hydraulics the other has high-bollocks
Why did they release Star Wars 4, 5 &amp; 6 before 1, 2 &amp; 3? Because off sequence, Yoda was.
I promised my wife I would not joke with her when she was PMSing. She has my word, period.
Knock Knock - Who's there? Joana. Joana who? I Joana close my eyes, I Joana fall asleep 'cause i miss you babe and i don't wanna miss a thing.
Q: Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Which one was bigger? A: The baby. It was a little Bigger.
German Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? It seats 25.
Being single isn't always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken? One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013,  it did fuck all. For 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers...Cheers!
I'm giving away my dead batteries. They're free of charge.
My OC Comic "Punguins" tell me what you think! http://penguinproductions.org/comics?id=1
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
This one time I farted in an Apple Store.. ...and everyone got mad. But, hey, it's not my problem they don't have *Windows*.
What do you say to someone who is making a cardboard belt? "That's a waist of paper!"
I got a 2nd job..It's not official..I dress like a host at T.G.I.Fridays, then I pick up credit cards & say "Be right back"..I don't go back
A drunk man walks into a bar ... "Jesus, Craig, you suck at playing limbo!" said the man's friend.
Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
What's a philosophers favorite toy? Plato
Saw this quote behind a auto rickshaw I couldn't afford a Volkswagen. Thus, auto.
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They keep stealing the green cards.
My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS
What's Mexico's national sport? Cross country
What do you call rich Mexicans? The Juan percent.
In Russia, Jesus finds you.
Why did the farmer give the pony a cough drop He was a little hoarse.
What is rhubarb? Celery with high blood pressure.
Father: How were the exam questions? Son: Easy Father: Then why look so unhappy? Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble just the answers!
How are Michael Jackson and Starfish Tuna similar? They both come in little cans.
Shakespeare's The Life and Death of King Richard III Spoiler Alert: Richard III dies in the end.
Why is this election historic? It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office.
I lost my virginity when I was in high school, which was awesome... however I was home schooled.
Executioner: final words? Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Er: you done? Ee: didn't buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden? It ends at the Finnish line.
What is Jesus' favorite gun? A nail gun I'm going to hell
What do you call an average ogre? Mediogre.
What's the definition of a woman? Life support for a cunt.
date: why are u talking to me like i'm a news anchor me: sorry i do it when i'm nervous. back to you, karen.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!!!
Missing LSD tablets Hey Gran, you haven't seen my tablets, they're labelled LSD. Gran: Fuck your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!
The creator of auto-correct died recently May he restraunt in peice
What do you call a Hispanic midget? A paragraph. He's too short to be called esse.
What does a black guy do after sex? 15 to life
Where does a toilet keep his secrets? In his diarrhea.
the library A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office Just know that I will find you. You have my Word.
Is this why we're in a recession? Because babies were trading our stocks?
What's brown and sticky A stick
What did the velociraptor say after his workout? I'm a little dino-sore.
There is no "ea" in Tim.
I just found out that my sweater was made by indonesian slave children And i must say they did a wonderful job
A doctor and his patient **Doctor**: After the operation, you'll be a new man. **Patient**: Could you send the bill to the old man?
The barber from across the street was just arrested for selling drugs. I was his customer for 3 years. Didn't know he was also a barber.
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws ? Outlaws are wanted
Country Music Album My friends don't seem to be enjoying my attempt at a Country Music album. It bothers them that the song about Germany runs straight into the song about Poland.
I went to the gym and asked the guy there to teach me how to do the splits..... He said 'how flexible are you?' I said 'I can't do Thursdays.' Credit: Tommy Cooper
A family of freudians have a problem... It was complex to say the least.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week...because there's just some things they should learn from their dad.
your mother's so dumb... ... she thinks asphalt is a disease, and asbestos is the cure.
I got a book for Hanukkah today It was the diary of Anne Frank
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't.. Because they're just numbers
Heard a giant Indian guy sing with the most beautiful voice in the world. Turns out it was actually Dalip Singh
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My dog kept me awake all night. Dreadful diarrhoea. Don't think I cooked him properly.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam. You can't peanut butter your dick into someone's ass.
How do you test for pregnancy in Harlem? See if the tampon's cotton was picked.
Donations Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool." Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."
Did you guys hear about the kidnapping today? It's okay though, he woke up.
What's the best thing about fucking 93 year olds? NOTHING!!!
What's the difference between a large chested lobster and a dirty bus stop? One's a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
Did you guys hear about the scarecrow who won the nobel prize? Apparently he was out standing in his field. When asked about how he won he said, "hay, it's in my jeans."
I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea
Cop: Know how fast you were going? "55?" Cop: Faster. "217." Cop: Um, no, 72. "24?" Cop: I already told y- "Negative 6?" Cop: Get out.
I once told a girl her "traditional" kimono was a rip off of a gofuku. She said "Gofukurself."
Me: "Your mum sucks." GF: "That's not very nice." Me: "No, it's wonderful."
I love being alive but my favorite thing to do is sleep.
How did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the waffle iron. How did she burn the other side? They called back.
Some of the Southern states seem like they're at least 90% Christian. And that's just roughly a Conservative estimate.
A psychic midget broke out of prison The official police report warned of a small medium at large.
Why are there no American flags at the DNC? Because the delegates were standing on them.
One time a baby threw up in my mouth & it still wasn't as disgusting as Nicholas Cage's haircut in National Treasure 2.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Why doesn't Meghan Trainor eat salmon? Because she's all about that bass
Knock knock! (Who's there?) Not Abe Vigoda.
"Of course size matters!" My girlfriend screamed when I told her how big it was. Who the fuck wants a small pizza?
Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I'm going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish... and he'll be fined for fishing without a license.
I still call my dad "Master" out in public so that people stare and feel bad for me.
What do you get if you bake weed into apple pastry? A high turnover.
A new type of product ! I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.
A nerdy science joke I was gonna make a joke about sodium, but NA, seeing most of the science jokes Argon, but my friend wanted me to say a joke about sodium, bromine and oxygen but I was like NaBrO
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool. All credit goes to the apples and apples folks.
UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP *looking for condom in my "Beat It" zipper jacket*
What do you call a trio of Muslims? The Three Mosqueteers.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I'm too goddamned lazy to do it
How do you get a fat girl into your bed? Piece of cake.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.
what is the difference between a tea bag and england? tea bag stays in the cup
What do you call the bad part of Italy? Spaghetto.
GENIE: you have 3 wishes ME: i wish for one more wish G: um...ok...your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes M: aweso- wait, what
*puts on shirt* *notices shirt has OBVIOUS stain* *takes off shirt* *hangs back up for future attempt at wearing shirt*
Where was the toothbrush invented? Alabama. Anywhere else it would have been called a *teeth*brush
So I was sitting outside today when all these guys flew over and just started sticking it in... I must have swatted 20 mosquitos...
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
A flight attendant says to a man... "Would you like headphones?" The man replies, "How did you know my name was Phones?"
So it turns out that my girlfriend has been starring in amateur voyeurism porn videos. Boy is she going to be pissed when she finds out!
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I'd say "I don't believe in Hell." But then I got married.
My roommate says I have schizophrenia Jokes on him! I don't have a roommate
What do you call a vietnamese turkey? Gobbledy gook.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We've been robbed! Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police? Me: (Sigh) No, I'm calling the burglars to congratulate them..
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A Tire.
Having friends is like... Having friends is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel it's warmth!
Who writes books for little bees ? Bee-trix Potter !
I thought I was schizophrenic... But I talked myself out of it.
What do you call a nosy pepper? jalapeno business!
Life is a soup And i am a fork
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine ...with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
They call me the human Hoyer lift... because I'm good at picking up fat chicks.
Yes, I love them, Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating? Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors... ...it's just something I can see myself doing.
Ann: I wanna break up Ed: why? A: you use time travel to manipulate me E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this? A: well... Hey!
So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes. Patient: What's the long answer? Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.
What the difference between a fridge and a virgina? Fridge don't fart when you take the meat out
Ted Cruz announced he is running for president as a Republican. That surprised me; I thought he was running as a joke.
What's the best part about gay sex? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through
If I'd know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I'd have spread them out a little more.
The 15YO turns 16 today. Getting him a cake in the shape of a massive increase in our auto insurance premiums.
TIFU by posting on the wrong subreddit hehe
When a girl cancels a date, it's because she has to, but when a guy cancels a date, it's because he has two.
Tell me your best one-liner. I'll start. Scientists have discovered that diarrhea runs in the genes.
Where is the best place to find hot grills? A barbecue
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
What's Varys the Spider's favorite OS? Unix
Why do women fake orgasms? because they think men care.
French Joke Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama? A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Elephino.
My favourite girls are like carpenters. They never let wood go to waste.
What do you call someone that steals shoes? A sneaker.
If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death. Disneyland has never been so fun
Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions? A: To meet chicks.
My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
Everybody should be free to vote in a general election. Everybody should be free to vote in the X factor. Nobody should be able to vote in both.
What does a Playboy Magazine and a Model T Ford have in common? These days they're both hard to come by.
I hear they might change reddit's name to something more appropriate... Blueit, perhaps?
I just recently bought a used car and I took it back 2 days later. "This car is useless. It doesn't go past 60 up a hill." "60 uphill is really good. What's wrong with that?" "I live at 74."
You can't compare Tim Cook and Donald Trump It's like comparing apples to oranges.
A mobster walks into a bar, but then he turns around and walks out. Because he realized it was a set-up.
Did you know Hilary Clinton is an excellent musician? She plays the lyre really well.
An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an amnesiac stumble drunkenly into the road. The Irishman nearly escapes a speeding car, but the Scotsman isn't so lucky, and gets hit by the car and dies.
People say musicians are gems I used to think Simon and Garfunkel were real gems, but then I about diamond and carbuncle.
I always feel an intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly.
I don't mind if you tell me about the new diet you're on as long as you give me equal time to talk with you about my favorite doughnuts.
HR: Me: HR: Me: HR:..87. Karen has lost 87 PERCENT VISION.. Me: HR: Me:..she looked at my cheese stick.. HR: Me: HR: Me: *eats cheese stick*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
You heard about /r/politics? Or as I like to call it, "Baby's first election."
How does a frog fasten two objects together? Rivets.
TIL you can get kicked out of the Navy for getting on the wrong vessel just once. Oops, wrong sub.
I just lost my virginity to a retarded girl I wanted my first time to be special.
The Boy Scouts ended their ban on gay adults, which means that soon you'll be able to buy some delicious Boy Scout cookies.
Man in a BMW pulls up next to a kid in the street... and says, "Excuse me, lad. If I give you 5 bucks will you come in my car?" Kid says, "Give me 10 and I'll come in your mouth!"
What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.
50 Great Jokes From The Edinburgh Fringe
What's brown, green and fuzzy and if it fell from s tree it would kill you? A pool table...
I only buy expensive baby food with cute babies on the label because I'm willing to pay extra if it means my kids aren't eating ugly babies.
What did Dr Dre cook for Thanksgiving? Beats.
Wario has just revealed his campaign slogan 'We need to build a wah'
I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. :(
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
A girl Unfollowed Me !!! A girl unfollowed me wen i replied "nice one" to her tweet.I guess i should have said "nice two". ;)
A Woman was reading a book in bed and her Husband was about to turn in; "Good night" he said and turned off the lights, but the Woman kept on reading. How? eBooks......
Salesman: This jug is genuine Indian pottery. Customer: But it says "Made in Cleveland." Salesman: Haven't you ever heard of the Cleveland Indians?
*16 calls me at office* 16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight? Me: No 16: You're out of beer Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
You'd think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.
I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich. Diagonal = normal Straight = serial killer No cut = dad
I love a girl with a trimmed bush.... Only because its makes it easier to see her through the window at night.
*sees a fly* ahhh *trying to swat fly* nooo *gives up* well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol FLY: *hands me a tiny check* ME: wat the
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Why do cows never walk out of horror movies? They're able to stomach a lot.
I feel like a battery because I am not included in anything :(
What do you call a human that's now a cactus? A transplant.
I need a new job. One where I'm always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming "I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!"
What happened after the word bank was robbed? There was a run on sentences.
What do you call an Islamic mosquito? A 'mosque-ito'.
At first notice, the word "Diputseromneve" looks quite ridiculous. However, if you read it backwards its even more stupid.
Why is Ireland so rich? Because their capital is always Dublin.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves... .... not Happy.
What's the only thing more annoying than a pushy vegan? When redditors won't shut up about how annoying one is.
The Dirtiest Dad Joke Every time my dad drives by a Little Caesars Pizza he says "5 dollars hot and ready....I used to know a girl like that" he says it EVERY TIME and thinks he's hillarious
What kind of health insurance does a llama need? Ollamacare
ELI5: If Silicon Valley seceded from the US would they be considered a developing nation?
What meal was given out to the survivors of the Chernobyl accident? Fission chips.
Why did the dog roll down the hill? It didn?t have any legs.
Two silk worms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
I can't stand people who have to use a wheelchair That's all.
Today is definitely a good day to be kissed but I'm going to sit inside and look at my phone because sometimes that feels like kissing too
Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win
I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.
I'm skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack... waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Why did the ox fall down the hill? It was an oxident.
9 out of 10 depressed people are not positive thinkers.
I love weighing myself after having a dump. It makes a shit load of difference.
What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen? Killed in a tunnel.
Why did Saint Francis cry? Someone called him Assisi.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
You know why Italians hate javohas witnesses? They dont like any witnesses.
I saw my ex while taking a test today wonder if she cheated on that too...
"We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here," says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
It's 4:20!
{Text} Me: Come home soon baby, I'm dressed like Leia.. Him: So turned on, I am.. Me: If you show up dressed like Yoda it's not happening
Why did the feminist burn down the field of canola? She said she was defending herself against rape.
A sandwich is better than sex. Because nothing is better than sex and a sandwich is better than nothing.
Why is the Star Trek enterprise like toilet paper? They both circle your anus searching for cling-ons
How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude? Do it with SAS.
Did you know lotr could have come out a lot earlier? Only problem was no one knew what the writer was Tolkien about
We've just put the swimming pool up for the kids, not sure if I'm gonna hide in it, but I'm definitely gonna... Lilo
What did the cake say to the Pie? "That's sweet, ain't it?"
Earth asks Mars... "Why has Venus been so distant lately?" Mars answers "shes been under a lot of pressure and has really bad gas"
I showed up to run a marathon, but realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. I decided to run anyway... ... I finished in 3^st
A penny fell out of my pocket So I left it thinking "I just raised their property value."
My favorite knock knock joke Knock knock: Who's there 9/11 9/11 who I thought you would never forget!!!
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? (Polish version)(NSFW) Wipe your dick on the window curtains.
What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead
A skeleton goes into a bar... orders a beer, and a mop.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they are dead.
What's the best thing about being a necrophiliac? You don't have to bring the flowers.
things u don't want to here at the doctors office (during prostate exam) 'look no hands'
Women Odors A man walks up to a woman and says "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" She says "no" He says "Oh, then it must be your socks"
What's the difference between an epileptic clamshell-shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? The clamshell-shucker shucks between fits...
There's a lot of Arab new mothers lately This must be the new baby boom!
Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion? Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains
WAITER: how was everything ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
in the 2020 olympics ... ... after Trump has become president, USA will have the best pole vaulting team in the world, consisting of only mexicans
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout "WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?"
What did the groundhog's trainer tell him before the Olympics? Gopher gold.
*Refuses to go to the gym Adds resistance training to workout list.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter escaped the chambers.
My mate is setting up a helpline for men who are addicted to masturbating..... I hope he pulls it off.....
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 122, 123, 124!
Buffet Why did the guy at the all you can eat place go from one serving table to the other? To get to the other sides.
Why are black people so fast? Because all of the slow ones are in jail.
Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can't stab people anymore.
How many catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? CHANGE?!
The History Channel
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pumpkin.
What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife... The knife has a point.
When I was a child, I was raped by a group of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
Why didn't the sailors play cards on the deck? Because the captain was sitting on the top of the deck.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe.
Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.
My sister was gangraped by the New York Philharmonic It was orchestrated.
Yo mama so fat.... that when she sits in space-time she causes gravitational waves
Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER.
An atom is mugged by another atom... A bystander asks if he's OK. "I think he got away with my favorite electron," he answered. "Oh no! Are you sure?" "Yup, I'm positive."
Why are flowers the best test takers? They have all of the anthers.
Oman and Yemen should switch names because if you find out you're gonna live in Oman, you go "yeah man!!" but if you find out you're gonna live in Yemen, you go "oh man..." Im so sorry
What's better than roses on a piano? tulips on an organ!
Perks of being a child of divorce Being able to operate Direct TV and Dish
Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella? Fo-Drizzle
Wanna know the difference between a street performer and a hobo? The age
What do you call a dog who can do magic? A labracadabrador
Riding a car... A man, in *curve*, skids.
Cupcakes are for people who don't have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake! Losers.
What blood disease do communists get? Hammer and sickle cell anemia.
An Englishman starts his own business in Afganistan He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! He is doing quite well! Profits are going through the roof!
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood. Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Teacher: Don't forget to check the Internet  if you have trouble with your homework questions. Pupil: It's not the questions I have trouble with it's the answers.
Mommy I got an A "Mommy! Mommy! I got an A" says Tommy to his mommy "So what? You still have cancer!" says mommy
My doctor told my my stool was loose. I should have warned him about sitting on it.
One man's junk is another man's treasure... especially to gay people
What would Ashley Tisdale have to do to become a boxing champion? Bop bop bop, bop to the top
My friend saw Stevie Wonder walking down the street when she went to California! I don't think he saw her though...
All of the black guys cotton clothes are hand picked .
Can you taste the difference betwen creme brulee and a yeast infection? If you can't, then never piss off the hostess in your favorite French restaurant ...
Monster now makes an energy drink which is part tea and part lemonade. The name of the drink is "Rehab", which begs the question... Is there something Arnold Palmer isn't telling us?
If an atheist vegan does crossfit... Which one do they talk about first?
How many of you are household pets reading tweets while your owners nap?
What does a polite Southerner call a golden shower? Cuntrytime Lemonade
I've never heard a good joke about islam... They've all been a bit shiite
How do you jerk off a sprinter? Pull a fast one.
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows because they've never tried
Why does Freud always have a cigar? Penis envy.
I recently quit my job at a wind farm... It turns out i'm not a big fan
What's green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table
Will I have an open casket at my funeral? Remains to be seen.
In hell, you have to listen to chicks fully explain a movie, scene by scene.
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. But it takes the whole ER to get it out.
American... .. history
Man, I sure love gravity It's really down to earth
to my friend who was cooking steaks for the first time: you can either make steaks or mis-steaks.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Sametime next month? I heard this jome a while back. Sorry if its a repost
Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge? Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.
Why dont feminists go to indoor soccer games... Because, with the astroturf, there would be no place for them to graze.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery. That's it...
Donald Trump is like the "Scream" movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
What's the technical term for a female to male sex change? A strapadictome
Like I know pizza is a thing that everyone likes and talks about liking but sometimes I take a bite and am overwhelmed by how perfect it is.
ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and- GIRL: hook up? sure! ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome
What did the Indian say to the nosy foreigner? "This is "naan" of your business." Sorry if you didn't laugh.
Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
Nick Clegg I just found out he was a politician! I thought Nick Clegg was just what you do to stop Oscar Pistorius from getting away.
Where was the Magna Carta signed ? At the bottom !
Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche? At a ghastly station.
I bet a zombie would be really, really disappointed to find out a "brainstorm" is not really a storm of brains.
Yo mama so hairy You almost died of rug burn when you were born
There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes They haven't had any gigs yet.
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed? No because it hasn't been made up yet.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
So I asked my friend, if you could be in the sun as long as possible and not get sun burnt but the majority of the world hates you, would you do it? And my friend said yeah. Okay you're black.
Have you heard of the paedophile comedian? Even when he's not joking, he's kidding.
I don't even have a theory where Malaysia is.
What's the difference between a gun and a radical feminist? A gun only has one trigger.
Why can't bicycles stand on their own? Because they are two tired.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
my mom thinks im the only one that uses the internet this late... but little does she know, all of you exist
I am quite old, so I wasn't shocked today during a thorough inspection to find that I had a gray pubic hair. The other people on the elevator seemed pretty surprised, though.
My parents are super religious.... At night all I can hear is "Oh god! Oh god! Jesus!"
What does a blonde and a shotgun have in common? You break them at the middle and load them from behind
What does a taxidermist do for a living? Oh you know... stuff...
It remains a puzzle . . . It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Hippies screw in vans.
I like to think of myself as God's gift to women. They certainly wouldn't pay anything to have me.
Abortions are so fun It really brings out the kid in you
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopuss
Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.
"My advice to you: subtlety." - The Joker, to Trump
What do you call a Chinese Pilot? A Pilot.
Did you hear about the Supreme Court ruling that you can marry a sandwich? Yeah, the BLT community are very excited!
If Patrick Bateman from American Psycho had a butler, what would the butler call him? "Master Bateman."
I'm making a film about emos. I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.
What did baby corn say to momma corn? where is popcorn?
What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Dam
Why did the horse get a divorce? It didn't have a stable relationship.
I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do he laughs
What did Obama say after his mom finished serving dinner? "Thanks Omama."
Q: How do you make a woman angry and sick at the same time? Cholera, bitch.
Did you hear about the earthquake? There was a fault in Washington. It was Obama's!
A dyslexic man walks in to a bra...
*Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip
How many ants does it takes to fill an apartment? Ten-ants
Judging by his physique, I'd guess Popeye's a pretty accomplished masturbator.
I hear a lot of black men are joining the Mexican Cartel.... I guess it takes Jaun to know De'Quan
How do Africans carry Ebola? In large baskets balanced on top of their heads.
Sometimes I squat on the floor, put my arms around my knees and lean forward... because that's how I roll.
My wife of 58 years said let's go upstairs and make love. I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."
If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?
Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids? To get to the other side.
What do you call a female driver? Carol.
What is a bee Know any bee jokes
You know what they say about non sequiturs... I LOVE pineapple upside down cake! (I just made this up today, and I'm so proud. I told my coworkers, but they told me to stop doing drugs.)
How do Germans tie their shoes? In little nazis
I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.
Bored? 1  Find a group photo of 4 girls. 2  Comment, "You 3 look awesome!"3  And wait...
Just updated my resume. Changed 'ambitious' to 'am-no-longer-bitious'.
Ordering a decaf coffee is like ordering a picture of food
What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat? My fucking retarded son
I had just stuck my wiener into some golden buns when I realized... I forgot a condiment.
What does a black Santa say? Hoe, hoe, hoe.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist that walked into a courtroom? He got off on a technicality.
*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume* That's a pretty dubious clam
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot? ... Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
"They had to amputate them both at the ankles," said Tom, defeated.
What did the alpacas go as for their group costume? The zombie alpacalypse
My friend thinks he is so smart. He said the only food that can make a person cry is onions... until I hit him in the face with a coconut.
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love.
Who has one thumb and survived a band saw accident? This guy!!!
I'm taking a stand. If the stand owners come looking for it, you guys saw nothing.
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
Just bought Rosetta Stone for Starbucks.
My mom said follow your dreams, So I went back to bed.
"Haha" - me when I don't understand the reference
What time of day was Adam born? Just a little before Eve
Ive been told I'm not ambitious enough.... I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
What's a balloon's favorite genre of music? Pop.
A man driving a car hits a woman. Who's fault is it? TRICK QUESTION! Cars can't fit in the kitchen!
Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.
A depressed French baker sobs bitterly into the dough... His life is pain.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Driver: Go, Pikachu! Thunderbolt! Cop: Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?
Never treat someone like an iPhone when they treat you like a BlackBerry.
New study says glasses help with math. Apparently they are good for davision
What do you call two Caucasian fellows in a box? Saltines.
I remember when my grad father first got his pace maker Every time he would go to use the microwave he would piss his pants and forget who he was for about an half an hour or so.
What's worse than a chauvinist man? A woman who doesn't know her place.
A granny comes to see a doctor - and the doctor is a granny too.
What do you call someone whose body is only muscular on the right side? A male truck driver.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
i am skeptical of the concept "Too Big To Fail" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly
I hate when my in-laws come. It's such a bitch to clean.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
On Sunday's I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it's not working & I own their soul.
I masturbate about myself masturbating about myself masturbating... Inceptcestuous.
What street in Paris is well-known for its transvestite community? The Rue Paul.
Interviewer: what's your greatest weakness? Me: I'm always very honest. Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness. Me: I don't give a fuck what you think.
Jesus would be a great porn star. His second cumming is biblical in proportion.
What do you call an African who plays 10 pin bowling online? Ebola.
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light"
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
"Boo!" A priest startles. It was the holy ghost.
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
What do you get if you cross an insect and a  dance ? A cricket ball !
As a kid, I'd pull a girl's hair to let her know I liked her, but now that I'm older & wiser I simply hit her with my car.
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg? If it didn't stand on any, it would fall over.
What is Laziness? Logical Answer It is the Art of Taking Rest Before Getting Tired.
Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it's been since we've been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair...
I get so pissed off when the 'Dawson's Creek' theme song doesn't suddenly play in the background while I'm having a magical moment.
Why r/Jokes has too much tiny jokes? Thus you can move on to the next one faster
Scientists are close to re-enacting The Big Bang theory. Hope its got another hot blonde with nice tits in it.
Knock knock -Who's there? Allah. -Allah who? [Allahu akbar!]( http://i.imgur.com/ifn9enX.jpg)
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 
[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome] well hello there mister home wrecker
My reaction when i found out oxygen and magnesium are dating O Mg
The wood necromancer thought he had the upper hand when he trapped the clerics in his log cabin... But all too soon, the tables had turned.
What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.
How do you divide old Rome? Using a pair of Caesars.
Superman graffitis a wall: "Batman is a moron" Batman writes under that, "Superman is Clark Kent".
In the future everyone will be older.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I'll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Why is the Vagina like the weather? Once it's wet, it's time to go inside!
This may seem random, but C Minor... On a related note, E flat.
What do cats read in the morning ? Mewspapers !
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky.
In America she's called "Miley" Cyrus, but in other countries she's called "What America would be like if it were a person".
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son's braces.
Half Indian I have a friend who's half Indian. Ian.
What did the knife say to the pretty lady? Nothing, she knew what was coming...
&gt;Get text. Is Letterman. &gt;Pet tricks and chill?
What is the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my dick in your ass
What is long and hard for a black guy? Third grade
My wife just got an IUD. She says her period will only last about a day now. I said, "there's gotta be strings attached."
*Licks the fire in your soul *Burns tongue
What did the clerk say to the customer who tried to buy a candy bar with plastic quarters? This is non-cents!
A man was at a Christmas party in San Bernardino ... Everyone was on their best behavior, so when the man spilled his drink, he said "shoot."
How amazing is Michael Phelps? He's got like a Brazilian Medals.
Chicken pot pie my three favorite things in life...
So I typed in "r/lastweeksposts"... And was immediately redirected to 9gag. Go figure.
Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down.
Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.
I like my slaves like i like my cream whipped
How do I know when my girlfriend is having an orgasm? ... My hormones
What goes "Ooooooooooo!"? A cow with no lips.
This Vietnamese couple I knew got married... Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
Today, I had sex for 1 hour and 30 seconds Thank you Daylight Savings Time!
A blind guy walks into a bar... And into a table.. and a chair...
It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.
What do you call a fox that can't stop shaking? Michael
Did you hear about the Polak who won a Gold medal in the Olympics? He was so proud he took it home and had it bronzed.
Did you know Dora the Explorer has a muslim cousin? Her name is Doda ...the Exploder
What do French people call a bad Thursday? A trajeudi. I'll escort myself out now.....
Did you hear about the feminist light bulb? It empowers itself
Why is turtle wax so expensive? because turtles have such small ears
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.
When I die, I want to go out like my Grandfather... in his sleep... Not like the other passengers in his car!
To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you're wondering how the condoms got in your cart....You're welcome
What do you call electricity still flowing today? Current.
Why didn't the ghost go to the dance party? Because he had no-body to dance with.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Being a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
Why can't women drive? Because there is no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
Why are circles so knowledgeable? Because they have three hundred and sixty degrees.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage There isn't a home page
My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at him.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame *stares off into distance* We're gonna need a bigger goat
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brad ! Brad who ? Brad news I'm afraid !
Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you're like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now
Quick question: can I breastfeed if I've had implants?
3 legged bear..... There was a 3 legged bear in the woods, sad as it was he ran into a one legged bear from Alaska - he was the 3 legged bears polar opposite.
If it's 1 or 1000 sins you're still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend
[at a farm] Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles Sheep: Look I got a new "hairdo" Chicken: Cool I didn't want to know any of my children anyway
Three guys walk into a bar: an alcoholic, a priest, and a child molester... And that's just the first guy.
I just finished reading All Quiet on the Western Front... It was quite Remarque-able.
What did the buffalo say to his son who's leaving for college? Bison.
[arguing with friend about chemistry] *cop walks up* do we have a problem here? Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand anymore? It was two tired.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he's boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Why does Trump watch the Olympics? To see how high Mexicans can jump
Who was the fattest Renaissance painter? Donutello * I love pun jokes give me some more
Why people hate the devil? Why do people hate the devil if he gives everyone a warm welcome?
Why not call baby pigs "hamlets" ?
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
What does Sarah Palin eat when she's high? Baked Alaska
Math problem: Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Who was appointed as a proof reader of Hitler's speeches? A Grammar Nazi
What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh? Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.
I admitted to my crush that I have feelings for her, but she told me she's only attracted to assholes Which is awesome, because now she won't leave mine alone!
If you were antipencil, would you be erasist?
I asked the local prostitute if she could do something kinky so she put a set of jumper cables up my ass... Don't get me wrong, I liked it, but I couldn't believe how much she charged me!
Why didn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box...
what did the handsome highschool boy wear to school? a whole lot of DAAAAAMN DANIEL
Did you hear about the goblin whose left arm and left leg cut off? Guess what he's alright now!
There was a black woman who was having period problems. The black woman went to her doctor and the doctor asked her "whats your flow like?" and the black woman responded "linoleum"
A hamburger walks into a bar The bartender says we don't serve food here!
I like watching children run around at the park. They don't realize I'm using blanks.
What does Joe Pesci order at Burger King? An angry wopper.
You hear about the gay guy who has a job in construction? He works in a manhole.
Thank you 2015 for... Bees?
I met a girl with 12 nipples Which sounds funny, dozen tit?
This post is a broken pencil It is pointless.
What did one frog say to the other frog? Time's fun when you're having flies.
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!
[Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] "What the-" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
What's the best part of having Miley Cyrus over for thanksgiving dinner? Unlimited twerky
The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes.
The Mayor of Flint, Michigan will be fired. Who will lead the city then?
that's right. you know how to get down off an elephant? - you don't you get down from a duck.
If my dad were alive today he would say, "Mark stop telling people I'm dead"
Soles Never buy shoes from a ginger. They have no soles
I was going to confess to this girl, until I found out that... Oops, wrong sub. Was meant to post this on /r/atheism.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Tombstone request: Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin. The engraver shortened it to: " Returned unopened."
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road... Are you okay? How does that even happen?
What did the Muslim Sonic say? Gotta go fast.
What do they use to heal cuts in the Matrix Neo Sporin
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself." Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton  alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
The dream of a every man with a fat belly... Is to just look down and be able to see his willy.
Well, well, well...look who's come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I can't stand cripple jokes
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I raped myself today. It sucks being a schizophrenic hermaphrodite.
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.
Red grape juice is fine obviously but white wine for Eucharist??? just stay home you are clearly not saved
What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common. They both barely cover the asshole. (gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
I got arrested for following my dream. The owner of that Ferrari thought I was a hitman shading him.
What's Homer Simpsons favourite toy? Bart.
I tried to be a workaholic but workahol tastes like shit.
Joke... What did you expect? A man asks his wife: Why don't you get upset when I yell at you? Wife: I clean the toilet. Man: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush. :-)
Why was Jimmy sad? Cause Jimmy had a frog stapled to his face.
Accounting Joke: Why did the accountant cross the road? Because that's what they did last year.
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb.? Two. One to screw it in and the other to take credit for it.
[tour of zoo] kid: "i think its a elephant" me: "are you giving the tour" kid: me: "anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing"
I was watching the Grammys when something hit me my dad
I like my men like I like my external hard drives... Solid state, and to dump all my history on. history
Bloke walks up and asks "Do you prefer long legs or short?", so I reply "I prefer something in between"
On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla.... How shitty of a parent are you?
[At Doctor] Me:I'm having chest pain Doc:Did you buy a new bra? Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing! Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain Me:Oh
All the Prince jokes here Who the fuck is/was Prince.
Why did Sarah fall off the swings She had no arms ... Knock knock Who's there Not Sarah
Daughter is acting so rude I'm not sure she's even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube's comments section.
What does the beginning of the German alphabet start with? Not Z.
my Grandma with alzheimer's at my Wedding asked where's the body?
A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. "Well Skip" said the scout "Mum had only one dose of castor oil left so I let my baby brother have it."
Why are black people unable to get a Ph.D.? Because they can't get past their masters.
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both feel like fucking death in the morning.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
What's the difference between a Harley and a hoover? The position of the dirtbag.
What do you call a Five Guys restaurant in Africa? 3 Guys
Where do Jihadists get their snacks? At the Allah hu snackbar.
Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!
Do you like raisin bran? Well, it's a good thing you adopted him then, but don't be surprised if he turns out to be a cereal killer...
How do you make a cat go "woof!" Pour lighter fluid on it and set it ablaze... "WOOOOF!"
People say I'm bad at delivering jokes... Which is why I'm not the delivery boy for Domino's anymore
What do you call a ban-worthy girl A banshee
If a black dude tweets the N-word... Can I RT that? What the fuck is the protocol here?
Speed dating has nothing to do with drugs. I know that now.
Where do sperm go to die when you jack off? The sementary.
What is a traitor? A tray shaped dinosaur. Credits go to the wife for that one! She still giggles when she tells it.
What kind of bees give you milk Boobies
So my science teacher started class today with "Relative Dating....." It's like prom night in Kentucky.
Why was the crocodile taking viagra? He was suffering from eREPTILE disfunction.
I just got a haircut, but I'm not sure I like it. When I stood up from the barber's chair, I felt extremely lightheaded.
"I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them." (Lay-Z)
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir? PANCAKE ok I need you to step out of the car
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A Dinosnore! PS: Caillou is the BEST show ever.
#NAME?
What happens to communists who are late to class? The get marxed tardy.
Little Johnny calls for his mom "MOM! MOM!" "What is it Johnny?" "Does Grandma know anything about car mechanics?" "No, why?" "She's outside, under a bus"
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick "I'm sorry, I really don't know what a wingman is supposed to do."
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Can February march? April may.
If Elon Musk ran for president, what would his subreddit be called? /r/futurology
Jokes about female hygiene are totally inappropriate Period.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Two cannibals are eating a clown One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Jesus Saves ... and Esposito scores on the rebound!
What building has the most stories to tell? The library.
If God was a mathematician God: Homosexuality is a sin! Human: But why? God: Cos
I'll have you know I did four years in Nam. Turns out pedophilia is illegal there too.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in the bathtub? The nun has hope in her soul...
The time for being a smartass isn't when someone is in a murderous rage. There's a discreet unmarked grave out there that'll attest to that.
A girl at my high school got kicked out of the Future Farmers of America (FFA)... She couldn't keep her calves together.
A man was fishing in the jungle. After a while another angler came to join him. "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man. "Yes lots" replied the first one "but they were all mosquitoes."
Why don't Buddhists have Instagram? They don't believe in the concept of a selfie.
Ja Rule's music is just like his taxes No one can remember the last time he released anything.
What does a man consider to be a seven course  meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
4-year-old: "Frozen" is on TV! Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download. 4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
What's a Cuban's favorite song? Row row row your boat Over to Key West Scarily scarily scarily scarily Avoid the INS
An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck! I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.
What's long and hard every time you wake up? Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I came up with a suspenseful joke about cheese... Queso here it goes....
If you want something to be misinterpreted, post it on the Internet.
What's the difference between Trump and cancer? Cancer killed Jobs
Your Mom's so stupid... That when the teacher asked her to do an essay, she fucked a mexican.
My family is starting to catch on to my "I died" excuse.
"You're cute when you're mad." "Yeah well I'm about to get real fucking adorable."
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Fun Octopus Facts When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his dick and throws it at the female, so she can inseminate herself. He then grows a new dick. What a legend. "Here, go fuck yourself."
I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was 'Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not.'
If you ever get attacked by a gang of clowns... go for the juggler.
Decent One Liner! A seal walks into a club.
HATE when this happens: Get in Bed. Get perfectly comfortable. Suddenly must pee.
The pen is mightier than the sword ...except in basically every real life battle scenario
How many r/jokes redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer is 2. One to change the lightbulb while the other screams "REPOST"
what do you call... what do you call a bad noodle? AM IMPASTA!
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
What is the name of Bruce Lee's crippled brother? Broccoli
My girlfriend was asked to step aside and frisked at the airport for resembling a Friends character. I think she was a victim of Rachel profiling.
Give a man a fish... Give a man a fish and he'll throw it out and go to McDonald's. Teach a man to fish, and nope, still McDonald's.
I've squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby's face... ...and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
What do all Japanese Airmen wear eye patches? Because they're pirots!
A Programmer goes to the store to buy groceries... .... and while he's there, his wife calls and says: "While you're out, get some eggs." He never returns.
I got a joke MySpace
Chuck Norris is so strong, he can role a bowling ball up stairs...........without touching it.
Never mind money, jobs, and real estate...I wonder what the youngs will do to us when they realize we've taken all the good usernames?
Popping my cherry please be mean. What does the hillbilly say when his sister is surprised? "Well it's the right hole naw!"
Did you hear about that psychic dwarf that escaped from prison? They're a small medium at large
How many meateaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they would rather stay in the dark
Man, CNN is so stupid. CNN is so stupid, when they wanted to do a report on Portland counter-culture, they went to a granite shop.
If your opinion about global warming is based on the weather outside then you don't deserve to have an opinion about global warming
It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
I played a blank CD at full blast yesterday ...the mimes next door went nuts.
Dramatic performance I once had a dramatic performance on the subject of puns, but then I realized it was just a play on words.
Women's underwear Half-assed and still successful
What is a pirate's favorite letter? C
There are two types of people in this world: Those that pee in the shower....and dirty fucking liars.
What do sexist horses eat? Hay hay hay.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs You're high ness
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper? Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
Why can't moccasins play the blues? They've got no sole.
Did I tell you about the time I was going down on my grandmother? All I could taste was horse semen... So I thought to myself, "this must be how she died!"
the main use of the tiny toe (the smallest toe in your foot) is finding corners of furniture in the dark
Jesus walks into a hotel He throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
If you run in front of a car, you get tired. If you run behind a car, you get exhausted.
I love subtraction sums so much... ...I won't let anyone take it away from me.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket* Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket* Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
2017 "Did you just assume my species?"
Fred: Where does the new kid come from?  Harry: Alaska. Fred: Don't bother - I'll ask her myself.
Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer...
[Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is... Grease. Me: Grease is the word? Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
What is the difference between a laddie and a lady? One has a d where the other doesn't.
*go to shake hands with All-Knowing Oracle* *just stares at me* *realize he knows I didn't wash my hands after using the bathroom earlier*
I would tell a chemistry joke.. But all the good ones Argon
Ronda Rouseys next fight has been announced! Ronda Rousey V. Crippling Depression
What do you call a balding Native American? A patchy..
America Found Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
So I heard you like cheese sticks What are you, a gay cheese?
Whats the difference between an Irish Party and an Irish Funeral? One less drunken Irishman
What is a dog covered in poo called? A SHIT-szu. I thought of this due to the fact that my Shitszu came inside covered in mud.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? They woke him up.
I gotta stop the filthy double entendre jokes But it's so, so hard
I schedule my appointments for 9:11 so I never forget.
A man goes to the docter Man: Well doctor, what's the diagnosis? Doctor: What's your zodiac sign? Man: Cancer. Doctor: What a coincidence!
Why don't lesbians cook? They prefer to eat out.
I wanted my Native American girlfriend to move in with me but she had some reservations.
How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?
So my girl cheated on me and I said "wanna hear an anti-joke?"... I love you
English version of Breaking bad in progress It will last one season with only one episode where Walt will be diagnosed with Cancer but will get treated by NHS and wil end up living on benefits.
Can I man and a woman have sex while running? By principle, yes. By practicality, no. Because a woman runs faster with her skirt up than a man with his pants down.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
American Dance Music haha
Why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive? Because they don't come with a manual
The more time passes since the movie "Fight Club" was released... ...the better we all are at following the first two rules of Fight Club.
A magician was walking down the street then he turned into a grocery store.
I don't mean to brag, but I just ate a sandwich without taking a picture if it first.
Why can't Jesus eat a cheeseburger? Because he's dead.
Decades of video games have left me unjustifiably overconfident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.
Calm down, Windows Update. I'll restart my computer during work time.
a boy died in a microwave while playing hide and seek...silly kids these days pretending to be hot pockets
A man got a cat and walked to his wife and said "so what do you think of the cow ?" His wife said that's a cat. The man said "shh I'm talking to the cat"
A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." and POOF! He disappeared without a tres.
"Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?" "you mean cheese?" [waiter struggling to keep bowl covered] "that does make more sense actually"
Stuck in a hug. It went 5 seconds too long & now we're too stubborn to let go. Whoever dies first loses THE HUG WAR.
Knock knock (....) Interrupting journalist (.. Bang Bang.... bang!
Why did Shakespeare refuse to join the army? He didn't like the phrase fire at will!
Calculating the trajectory of an airborne booger is snot rocket science
For breakfast this morning... I had ebola cereal!
About Lily Probably a repost but I don't care: Why did Lily fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Lily.
What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.
A Priest and a Rabbi Are sitting in the park when a little boy walks by. The priest says "Wanna fuck him?". The rabbi says "out of what?"
Just heard Barrack Obama's main writer has been killed.. Sources reporting that he is currently speechless.
A magician is driving down the street... ...and turns into a driveway.
what is awesome and witty? heres a hint, join the two words and put a jew in there
Two men. Two homosexual men are having sex and die instantaneously. Which one goes to heaven first? The one on the bottom because his shits already packed.
My Chinese friend got me an iPad for my birthday... Nothing beats a homemade gift!
My black friend asked me if there was a coloured printer today in the library.. I said "Dude, what the fuck? It's 2015, you can use whatever printer you want."
How many defensive coordinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? Zero. You can't fit a hairless ten-year-old inside a light bulb.
Big Brother: That planet over there is Mars. Little Brother: Then that other one must be Pa's.
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns? The Sesame Seeds on his buns. (According to my father this is the first joke I ever told, around 5yo.)
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far out, man.
Did you hear the one about the zombie telemarketer? They say he was a dead ringer.
How do you make a sports science major cry? Remind them that high school is over.
99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.
My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don't get hired either.
William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath. They're going to be called Shatner Pants.
Did you hear about the guy with a fetish for public transportation? He got off at every stop.
Vaccinated kids will get this... Autism.
What does vlads wife say about his premature ejaculation? Just putin, don't Russian
If I were Brian Cranston every day I'd drive to Jiffy Lube & say "I dunno it just seems to be braking bad!" Then we would laugh & do meth.
Did you hear about the two horses? They were in a stable relationship... ...but one of them had an extra mareital affair.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my chest
How did the feminist die? Alone
"WHY YES I'D LOVE TO BE A THOUSAND POUNDS"  my brain when i see a box of donuts
Where do post go when they die in Reddit? Everywhere else.
What's the only animal with two assholes; One regular one and one on its back? A police horse. Sorry, drunk regular at my local dive bar told me this. I enjoyed it.
What do you call a Rasta with a liberal arts degree? Jahbless!
If Jennifer Lawrence was a poet, what would her name be? Maya Ingenue
What do Indian girls have at sleepovers? Pilau Fights.
What's dumber than three blondes building a house underwater? Three brunettes trying to burn it down.
What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? The boy scout comes back from the camp.
A hobo and a goat are hiking up a small mountain. Who is the hill-billy?
If sex was my religion, I'd be an athiest.
How can you spot the blind guy on a nude beach? It's not hard.
I've never met an air conditioned room I did not like.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've yet to pay money to have a lentil on my face
I let my blind friend borrow money He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...
They say if you choose a job you love, you'll never work a day in your life. I have to work tomorrow.
I bartered a ring for a shop vac All she does is suck up my wallet and spend all my money.
What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and the newspaper? Lindsay Lohan never reads the newspaper in jail, but the newspaper always reads "Lindsay Lohan in jail"
Why do Ken and Barbie never have kids? Because Ken always comes in a different box
Volkswagen.
Not gonna lie to you guys, I've used my inter-net connection to look at boobs, tits, and what have you.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you're not afraid to use it Brain: This makes sense right now Body: We're on board Pavement: Come at me bro
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? A: In case they have to draw blood.
Vegans with children named 'Hunter' are why I lie awake at night.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 got rid of the headphone jack.
Masturbation Causes Blindness So one day, my Dad sits me down and tells me "Son, masturbation is bad and will cause you to go blind. " I had to tell him I was on the other side of the room.
Why people hate Billy Mays jokes because they're corny.
When someone asks, "How are you?" I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.
Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?... On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.
My brother threw a yellow turnip at me while I was sleeping It was a rutabaganing.
Absinthe For when you'd love to wake up in the morning...naked on a raft in your neighbour's pool, but lack the motivation
One. How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you call a retired soldier who's been blighted with mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
I think I'm going to sell my Theremin.. Haven't touched it in ages.
Just saw a kid with a protest sign that said "I AM VERY GOOD AT KARATE" and I'll regret for the rest of my life that I didn't get a picture
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? With Santa it is only three hoes and he's done.
A lot of people say that alt-right would be good for America. I'll try it if Ctrl-alt-delete doesn't work.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I tried changing my password to "Goku" But facebook said it was too weak.
I have a gay friend but I never recognize him Because he is always in these guys.
How much does a hipster weigh? One instagram.
Westminster Dog Show If a poor dog ever wins the Westminster Dog Show I hope at least one announcer calls it a Wags to Riches Story...
It's actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Customer: Waiter I can't eat this meal. Waiter: Why not? It looks all right to me. Customer: I don't have a fork.
Sun Tzu's The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you're Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My girlfriend just broke up with me. I deserved it... I asked her to so I could do this joke.
How much does a hipster weigh? One instagram!
A friend and I walked past an Alzheimers Society. He turned to me and said "How do they remember where it is"?
WARNING: Big Spoiler Inside! http://www.dswens.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/P1130541.jpg
What did the lions say to his cubs when  he taught them to hunt ? 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What's as sharp as a vampire's fang? A: His other fang.
CASHIER: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" ME: "Oh, yes..." [places "How To Murder A Cashier" book on counter]
My wife told me she was going to leave me because of my obsession with The Monkees, at first I didn't believe her... ...But then I saw her face.
Cop: Reason I pulled you over was you were swerving Me: Sorry was tryin to catch a Pokemon Cop: Which one!? I mean let me see your license
Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.
Predator taking off his mask, but it's me removing the filters from my selfies.
You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a bar-stool as a walker to get home.
What's the difference between Jews and a bullet? The bullet comes out of the chamber.
Why is it best to ask photographers personal questions at night? (X-post r/photography) Because they open up when it gets dark.
I like my women like my wine, 12 years old and Locked in a cellar Edit: u wot m8 I fixed grammar
The one upside to having twins Deciding how to split child custody during the divorce.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella felt at midnight.
What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality
How does Robin hood send messages around  Sherwood Forest? By tree mail!
Boxing is probably the most applicable martial art to the street... If you run away, you probably won't get hit.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don't know if they're showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
What do you call an exemplary black housewife? Do'mestique
DOG 911: What's ur emer- DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON DOG 911: So DOG: HE'S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN'T FIND THEM DOG 911: OMG DOG: OMG
What was the first porn movie about Rappers called? Lewdicrous
Why do Egyptian warships have glass floors? So they can see their air force
Did you hear about the guy who went to Halloween with a potato in his pants? He went as a dictator.
Parliament should learn from Twitter, thousands of people shout here doing nothing productive, yet it never gets adjourned.
Home Alone is so unrealistic, the robbers aren't even black!
Do homeless people understand knock knock jokes?
A cannibal walked into a female patient's surgery room... "I'll take the eggs, please."
I only wear adult diapers for 2 reasons #1 and #2
How is a Ska band the opposite of a rhinocerus? Horns in the back Asshole up front.
Can't believe Nintendo didn't make a commercial for the Wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying "It's not you, It's Wii".
What do you call a blond skeleton in the closet? The winner of hide and seek.
[Wrench factory] BOSS: I'm proud to say it's been 250 days without an injury! WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
My Proctologist does horoscopes which, I guess, makes him an Asstrologist.
What do you call a pen without style? Stylus.
"I like to get off on the right foot." "Wow. That's a VERY specific fetish."
"Fine, I'm sorry, you win, just, please stop crying." - my rap battle opponent
A valentine? IN THIS ECONOMY?!?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.
What's a priest's favorite X-men? A-Men.
Why does the man with the foot fetish always lose? Because he's in defeat.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don't hold their breath as long as I do.
What did the Nazi interrogater say to the clock that would only tick? "Ve have vays of making you tock!"
What do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite up his ass A ba-boom.
Why did Minotaur win an interior design award? Because his home was a maze thing.
When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don't want to be there.
What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock thats up all night!
What fruit can't get married? Cantaloupe
Knock Knock Knock! Knock! -Who's there? Hanna. -Hanna who? Hanna partridge in a pear tree
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
If a redditor who is going into labour posts an original content (picture) of her in the ward... Is it polite to say "OP will deliver?"
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
What did Batman say to Robin before Robin got in the car? "Robin, get in the car."
Q: How can you make a slow horse fast? A: Don't give him any food.
Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want. Like marrying Donald Trump.
What's the difference between a banana and a helicopter? You can helicopter your banana but you can't banana your helicopter
What do you say when somebody else has ruined your joke? RIP post
-Houston, do you copy? -Houston, do you copy? -God damn it, Houston! -God damn it, Houston!
I felt like doing some service today, so I decided to donate some video games to the Rehabilitation Center for Meth Addicts. They seemed particularly fond of "Need for Speed".
People are like, "Jess, can you give me some advice?" & I'm like, "K, don't get kidnapped."
What do you do after making too many cheese puns on r/jokes? Goudaff Reddit.
What are a boyfriend's two most dreaded words? Missed.
What did the cannibal do to his girlfriend? Eat her out.
I had a joke about wet floors but it must have slipped my mind
To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
What comes after March? April, fools!
If there's a zombie apocalypse, I'm becoming a zombie. Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I had an Epiphany while in the strip club... ... but I don't think that was her real name.
Ever had Ethiopian food? ...neither have they.
What's a redneck family reunion called? (NSFW) pump-kin
Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich
Hey girl, are you Karma? ...because Karma is a bitch.
I asked my Gynecologist about a Job She said they had a few openings
Life is like a penis Its very short but when it gets hard it seems very long
How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2...and don't ask me how they got in there. (My 87 year old grandma just told me this one)
Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy? Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.
How can you tell the difference between normal and self-raising flour? One has parents
I was diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome yesterday. I asked the doctor if it was a rare condition. "It's not unusual".
Rejecting someone by saying "you deserve someone better" is a fun way to let a person know you'd rather insult yourself than to date them.
I got this really good lifeprotip while in the shower, but I forgot it when I dropped the soap. Ah, now I remember what it was. Never pick up the soap when showering in a prison.
You've really gotta hand it to short people because we usually can't reach it anyway
How do you know if a woman uses a vibrator when pregnant The kid stutters
Why did the Pilgrims create Thanksgiving? They wanted another excuse to watch football.
A Tiger ? What do you do ? When you cum across a tiger? Zip up and run like hell!
What should you do with your sick pig? make it into cured bacon
Did you hear about the guy whose toilet flushes with hot water? He thinks he's real hot shit.
[just meeting a new group of people] My brain: say something cool and different Me: HOW YA'LL GOT?? Brain: nice
what after c? deez nut!
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass. Ba dum tschhh
What is Tumblr's favourite branch of maths? Trigger-nometry... I'll see myself out.
Whats the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period? you get your palm read for free
What do you tell a hitchhiker with one leg? Hop in
Did you hear that Grey Poupon is opening a university? It's called Poupon U
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.
Why did the rooster run away ? He was chicken !
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant
A Leaf and an Emo Person Both Fall From a Tree. What lands first? The leaf, a rope stopped the emo.
carpe natem Translate it if you don't know Latin.
_____________/\__________\o/_____ Swim little man swim! Swim away from the shark! You have to save yourself!
Two cavemen in the Ice Age are in their cave. One has a philosophical moment pop into his mind. He then says "what is *UP*?". The next caveman says "I don't know, just chilling what's up with you?".
My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem After she left I lost the urge to drink.
Two toasters are sitting on a counter. One toaster turns to the other and says, "Do you sometimes feel empty?" To which the other toaster replies, "OH MY GOD! A talking toaster!"
I vandalized an art major's car today. Removing pizza delivery signs is surprisingly easy.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don't need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
A Mick and Wop walk into a sub shop One orders the Italian, the other orders a filthy stinking drunk.
My cock-eyed professor had a really bad day today. His pupils got way out of line. It made him so angry that he couldn't see straight.
Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three? Because the signs all say "No TRESpassing"
Where do Jewish people go to think? Concentration Camps.
I may be getting old but not "doesn't know what day of the week it is" old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I plan to retire at 30. The used tire business is just calling my name.
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said "murdered". And "loved", past tense.
What do you call an Indian Jedi? Mace Hindu.
What is the difference... What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don't tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don't pay off.
What's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? Did you ever notice he seems to start off all of his jokes in one of two ways?
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife? Me: "I do" Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
What is the capital of Greece? $20 (A friend told me this a few days ago).
Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie? Because he was arrested for pirating movies since it's illegal!
I'm trying to bring a taco into this club...let's see if the bouncer finds it when he frisks me
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Christian? .... who worshipped the almighty 'Dog'.
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Ugh, U2 again?"
Whats the worst thing about dating a terrorist? Doesn't matter if you come or not, they're getting blown anyway. Thought up this at work
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don't. Well that's what I like to tell myself anyway.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? a Roman Catholic.
Bieber fever begins with a rash on your gentials that quickly spreads to the brain.
Does anyone ever get to their deathbed and think "I may have some regrets, but I'm really glad I joined Mafia Wars"?
What is Mexico's favorite sport? Cross country
What's the most confusing day in Harlem?? Father's Day.
If someone overtakes me when I'm walking, I match their speed so it looks like I've got friends.
Midgets resent the concept of shorts
The last time I wet the bed... ...I was pretty pissed.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
why did the cheese stick hate football? because he wasn't first string!
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My wife asked me what I wanted to eat that's fast and easy? Mmm...Your vagina?
Star Wars Episode VII-XI Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Waits Five More Minutes Star Wars Episode XI: The Force Is Late For Work
*at the gym* Trainor: Have a donut. Me: Wow! Sure! T: Here's some pizza. M: What kind of trainer are you? T: I'm a Megan Trainor.
What do you call a fat psychic ? A four-chin teller.
I have an EpiPen... My friend gave it to me as he was dying...It seemed pretty important to him that I have it, I'll cherish it always. edit: grammar
What's the difference between the French and toast? You can make soldiers out of toast!
How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits? They were impressive!
Most companies try to make new cutting edge technologies... Samsung goes for the burning strategy
I once met a prostitute that said she would do anything for $100 I said paint my house.
Fire destroys bloodmobile; blood bank trying to B positive about it
I think the bloke next to me is gay. I'm trying to take a shit, but he keeps giving me looks. I'll try the next urinal.
Who's the most racist super hero? White Power Ranger!
How many pepes does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
You have to admire husband's focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out "I hate you" in morse code w my knife.
"To label you "divine" would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence. ... and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you're up?"
So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman. She said she would like to read my palm... Okay! She takes my hand and asks... "Do you come here often?"
Her: I'm so wet Him: I'm so hard Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Ted said to his friend 'can you lend me $10?' 'But I only have $8' his friend replied. That's OK you can always owe me the other $2!
How come Noah didn't just slap those two mosquitoes?
What is Chipotle most known for? - A. Steak Bowls - B. Delicious Tacos - C. Chips - D. Burritos - E. Coli
My friend Amanda is an entrepreneur... She decided to create a cross-dressing boutique. She called it "Amanda's A Man, Duh".
Home Alone 6: Homeland Security - Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!
Have you heard about the man with five penises? His underwear fit like a glove.
I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.
What do you call cow without a girlfriend? Beef Stroken off
What is the first thing a fat person does on a website Accept cookies
What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Nintendo Did you hear about the guy who married his Nintendo? Apparently he did it on Wed-Nes-day.
How does the mummy plan to destroy Superman? He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.
"I love accounting!" -Italian guy who loves to count.
If A Tree Falls Down In The Woods... But no one is around to hear it. Does a hipster still buy the album?
I'm a man of my word... and that word is "unreliable"
11.45: Arrived at crime scene 11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle 11.45: Found murder weapon in drain 11.45: Realised watch was broken
How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Why are men smarter during sex? Because they're usually plugged into a know-it-all.
It's ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The cleaning people unplugged my radio and lost my settings, so I'm shooting fingernail clippings all over my office floor to punish them.
The most potent strain of marijuana has just been released to the public reports say consumption has reached an all-time high
On a scale of 1 to 10... How would you rate binary code?
When I was a kid, my grandfather told me his teeth are like the stars... ...they come out at night.
What did the late arriving cannibal receive at the dinner party? The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months
1st Anniversary: Let's go to Vegas 5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner 10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
Why aren't there more jokes based on haptics? It's a touchy subject.
Why doesn't Mexico win Olympic Medals? Because all their best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.
Money can't buy you happiness? Well, poverty can't buy you anything.
If she doesn't have a new hair style by the time you're done, you're doing it wrong.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day? What did they do? They threw a sowprize party.
Why shouldn't you make fun of Donald Trump? You'll hurt his feeling.
George Zimmerman was arrested again for aggravated assault with a weapon. It's almost like there's a pattern here.
"Who'd win in a wresting match? Lemmy or God?" "Trick question. Lemmy IS God."-Air Heads RIP Lemmy.
Two men walked into a bar One of them said "I want some H2O." The second man said "I want some H2O too." The second man died.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK? One got his head blown off while the other got assasinated.
What do you call a professional violinist when they're young? A kiddie fiddler.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? ... Because they got big fingers.
A man was found pouring dozens of bags of frozen peas into the grave of his dead wife. He wanted her to rest in peas.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. At least that's one thing she has in common with my wife.
A girl walks into McDonald's and she sees a cute cashier. She goes up to order and asks for a Hot 'n Spicy McDickin.
Girl Scouts sell more than just Cookies. I know, it sounds crazy, but it's just nuts.
what was Stevie Wonders first words when he got his eyesight back? Who the hells been dressing me all these years?
Boy To Girl Boy : You are the most funniest &amp; most beautiful girl I've ever met. Girl : You just want to screw me , Don't you ? Boy : Wow ! and smart too ... !
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. "No hablo ingles."
Hey baby, can I take your derivative.... So I can lay tangent to those curves.
I'd like to... I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
Two Scots father and son go to America. - Daddy when we'll arrive? - Shut up and swim.
Why does Mexico always underperform in the summer olympics? Because everyone that can run, swim or jump is in USA.
How does Harry Potter do web design? Inspecto Elemento
My friend overdosed on chill pills. On the plus side, he was by far the coolest person at the funeral.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.
A woman walks into a bar... "Ouch!" she yelled.
Anyone know any kid-friendly jokes about burgers? Extra points if it can be about a burger monster (don't ask).
I'm a social person. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
How do you starve a black man? Put his food stamps in his work boots.
My first anal was like getting my first car I didn't wanted it m,but dad gave it to me anyway
I wasn't there when you told me not to stay.
Wanna hear a joke about a broken pencil? Never mind, it's pointless.
Spider-Man's Aunt May is now portrayed by Marisa Tomei..... At first they cast Caitlin Jenner....but they decided *Aunt-Man* was too easily confused with *Ant-Man*
Why is it awkward to have sex with Jesus? He keeps saying "Oooh Dad Ooooh Dad OOOH DAAAAD"
If sex is the food of life, then masturbation is a snack in between meals.
One man's sprinkler is another man's bidet
My 82 year old Grandpa's favorite joke A skeleton walks into a bar, sits down and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"
If I had a nickle for every time I heard the word Diversity at the Oscars.. I still wouldn't give a shit.
I'm spending the holidays with my girlfriend's family They really put the "JESUS CHRIST!" back in Christmas
My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches. Anyway, enough about her... ...back to drum practice.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Why can't you see elephants hiding in trees? They're really good at it
Why don't tennis players ever get married? Because love means nothing to them.
Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed the other day? What was her name, Reese... &gt; Witherspoon? No, it was with a knife.
Ever wonder why you always get a boner when you look in the mirror? That's because your dick thinks you're a cunt too!
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who plays the piano? Clever Dick.
How do you brainwash a liberal? Give him an enema
Hellen Keller list!!
Why did the villagers hate Frankenstein? Because he was a Jew.
ME: Why can't everyone just be nice EVERYONE: Why can't you ME: Don't change the subject
Customer: Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials? Waiter: Because nothing about this food is special.
I'm trying to get down to my original weight... 7lbs 3oz.
4yo: You're a good dad. Me: Thanks. 4yo: You'd be better if you said yes more. Me: Okay. 4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
A cat falls in a pool, a rooster laughs. Moral of the story: A wet pussy makes a cock feel good.
My wife spiked my dinner with viagra and gave me an epidural. No hard feelings.
I approach the boring task of buying tampons with the same procrastination used when needing to fill the car up with petrol: ignore depleting supplies until well in the red.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can sell her crack more than once
Ronda Rousey walks into a bar... and gets knocked the fuck out
A lot of people think the medical drama "House" is funny.... but I think it Hugh-Laurie-ious!
Erotic literature for premature ejaculators ------------------- Chapter 1. ------------------- She looked at him. ------------------- The end. -------------------
Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.
I was asked earlier today on my view on lesbian relationships. Apparently in "HD" was the wrong answer.
My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.
I hate having to walk behind a car... It's exhausting.
I remember the one time I was wrong... Turns out I was mistaken.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
What did the donkey say to its dick? That's a pretty big donkey dick.
Reddit is really a green community, Considering all the recycled content that's on here.
What is a girl pirate hookers worst nightmare? (NSFW) Riding on a bunch of different ships, but never getting any seamen.
How do pianists remember which groceries to buy? They use a Chopin Liszt!
Today I met a woman with twelve breasts, sounds strange, dozen tit?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket? GF: No, but it's okay. Just checked the weather & it's not going to be the 1980s today...
Why was Obama nervous when eating a T-bone aboard Air Force One? Because the steaks had never been higher.
If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
A friend of mine is really into A Tribe Called Quest... ... I'd buy him an album, but I left my wallet in El Segundo.
Why do virgins never stand still? They are used to being chaste.
(Mayday) PILOT: I didn't go thru 9 years of flight school to crash ME: *relieved* Thank G- P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
What would Dorothy have said if she practiced Yoga instead of new age magical thinking? There's no place like OM.
Life is like a box of chocolates... ...it doesn't last as long for fat people.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.
The dentist said to his patient, "This is going to hurt a little." The patient replied, "It's ok doc, I'm ready." The dentist went on, "I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now."
Lemonade Stand At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I'm so thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside, instead of apps and how many likes you get on a picture.
Rules of Hawaii Going to Hawaii and wearing a plastic garland as opposed one made with real flowers is the best way to tell everyone else you're a cheap lei
I never feel older than in the 12 seconds I spend on web pages scrolling down to my birth year.
Why is Windows 10 like a moody teenager? Because nobody gets it.
[red carpet] "So Ryan, who are u with tonight?" Ryan Gosling [proudly] "My parents" [two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into twitter.
One crazy fantasy I have is having any energy to do things after work.
If human smiths make tempered steel... do dwarven ones make short-tempered steel?
So Charlie Sheen is HIV Positive... Looks like all the tiger blood was tainted.
To make a boob joke all you need to do is use words that end in 'it' Isn'tit?
My 10 year old just told his friend I'm cranky cus I have my "pyramid".
Some people that are into devotism are fucking idiots.
Since you've discovered the Internet you don't pay any attention to me! Who said that?
What do you call a pachyderm that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
The doctor overseeing Caitlyn's transition advised against more plastic surgery. One more facelift and she'll have a beard again.
How are you going to celebrate 9-11? I go to the tallest tower in my city. Call up a pizza place and order two large planes.
My face is so oily I'm afraid the U.S. is going to invade it
What are Mario's pants made out of? DenimDenimDenim
I once knew this vegetable joke ..but then they pulled the plug
What do you call a blind german? A not-see
Why is it that when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face, nothing happened, but when Clinton did it he was impeached?
My Boss complains about that i "come" too early in work. The Job Pornstar is Hard. :I
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout makes it back from camp.
I swallowed a piece of string yesterday when it came out my other end it was tied in a bow I shit you not!
How do rabbis make money off of circumcisions? They get to keep the tips.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Keep on Trying by Percy Vere
WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!! WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!? LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT EM?!?!? *NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW* Edit: Wow, this really took off.
Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? It's "to whom."
You know what Nixon did wrong? He only broke into the watergate hotel once. He should have done it everyday. Then it would have been normal. Yes, you got it, jokes on you.
My uncle was killed during the attacks on France.... He blew himself up.
Two nuns sitting in a car at lights... ... when Dracula jumps on the bonnet and roars an evil roar. "Quick, show him your cross!" "Oi Dracula, get off my damn car!"
Internet Explorer is actually my favorite browser.. To download other browsers with Abraham Lincoln, 1863 -Morgan Freeman
People are always asking me, "When are you going to learn to drive?" I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.
I told my pregnant girl friend that she was as big as a 747. That did not fly.
When is a car, not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
You don't need a parachute to skydive... You need a parachute to skydive twice.
Whom does Ban Ki-Moon revolve around? Ban Ki-Earth.
Will a rabbi charge a lot for circumcisions? No. He just keeps the tips.
iTunes has got it all wrong. The hottest single of the year is me.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A: Married.
[Walks into steam room at gym] "good morning my.." "Dave no!" "my est.." "Please Dave no.." "..My eSTEAMed colleagues" "Everyone hates you"
Don't you hate it when... [NSFW] ...you could have actually viewed that Reddit post at work?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
"You're better than that" is almost never true
Why should you only invite gas molecules to your house when they have negligible intermolecular forces between them? Because they're the ideal gas.
What shampoo did Paul Walker use? Head and shoulders, they were on the dashboard
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? Where's my tractor?
there's a new chocolate bar being sold in the middle east called Allahu Snackbar
What are sardines? A little fish that smells like fingers.
My dog won't stop playing the piano I guess you can say she... Won't stop Bach-ing
Doing shots with a bunch of coked-up velociraptors.
What are OJ Simpson's favorite keys on a computer? Return Home Slash Slash Backslash Shift Shift Shift Escape
"Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?" "Yes." (Yamaha)
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable....
Consent... The only way to stop rape 100% of the time!
Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival? ...They're calling for a Lil Wayne
The past 2 hours I spent at the mall would have been a lot more constructive if I looked for gifts instead of staring at mannequin nipples.
Damn girl, are you an ultrasound technician? Because I'd like to know what sex we're having.
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because its pecker is on its face.
How do mathematicians deal with constipation? They work it out with a pencil.
Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire
George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity Just like one of his characters. (If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)
We were at a local restaurant waiting for a server, she finally came over and says "sorry for the wait".... I say you look perfectly skinny to me!
This may sound like a rape joke if you ask me oh wait, you don't
What's one thing you hated as a kid but love as an adult? Molestation.
Did you hear about Ryan Seacrest's beard? Apparently she's a former Miss Teen USA.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don't like her new haircut.
214 of the 234 girls rescued in Nigeria from Boko Haram are pregnant? The other 20 girls must feel pretty fucking ugly.
I love people who don't take their sweet time pooping in a public bathroom. They take their shit seriously
Best pick up line I've ever heard Would you mind holding my beer while I go take a shit? ....If she is still standing there. She's a keeper!
Why do drug dealers love Muslims? Because they are always stoned.
My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z .... ..... .... Wait... Shit...
The best thing about going on a date with a sarcastic person is that no matter what happens they're going to tell you they had a great time.
I had a dog named Herpes once. He was a good dog, but he wouldn't heel.
YO momma so nasty... She pours salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.
What do you call smart boobs? Scientits
Took a class at Trump University but ... ... the textbook had four Chapter 11s.
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barman: "Can I have a beer...................Please?" The barman replies: "Sure, but why the massive paws?" Edit: Paws not pause
For this year's vacation, my wife wanted to go to a place that she has never been to I told her to try the kitchen. -Henny Youngman
Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi? Because attachments are forbidden
I wouldn't say I hate my dad... But I can't deny he's a real motherfucker.
I heard Donald Trump has read a lot of different books.. ..Apparently for the most part he never made it past Chapter 11.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog
Do you guys remember the joke about Jonestown... Me neither but I heard the punch line killed em'
My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?" I said, "probably failing my driving test."
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they'll leave you alone.
What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel Sprouts
Why couldn't the Chinese geologist find a date? He was vehemently opposed to wrong rocks on the beach.
*termites on date* Waiter: what would you like to order, sir? Termite: table for two.
I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone
TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA
How is a Silver Medal and a Priest the same? They both came in a little behind.
That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.
I carry a knife whenever I'm running late to work because that's what Counterstrike taught me: "You always run faster with a knife".
Having an intelligent conversation with my 17 year old son. Just kidding. He's making fart noises while I talk about the SATs.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Subway is healthy.
What do you call Charlie Sheen having sex with his brother? Emilio Incestevez
God made the world in 7 days... and the rest Made In China
My buddy asked me what self explanatory meant... I didn't know what to say.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm pretty freakin' amazing in bed.
The Lannister family... Is so inbred that they are one step away from being sandwiches.
"Relax. It's not a competition." "Right. That's what I say." "But I said it first."
What is the difference between feminists and Nazis? One group has a purpose and lots of support and the other is full of nagging women.
This part of the joke is called the setup. This part is not.
What is the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Where do cows like to live? St. Moo-is.
For Christmas, I gave my wife a t-shirt and a dildo. I told her if she didn't like the shirt she could go fuck herself.
I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
What did the Mexican guy say when the two houses fell on him? Get off me homes.
Dad called me a cunt I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs
My wife was on eBay this afternoon... No bids yet
What do you call 11 people on national television debatting religion? the republican presidential candidates.
Anyone hungry? I read there's some leftover cat.
Why are fish so thin? Because they eat fish!
Jokes are like women I never get them
When two Lesbians get married. Who pays the shopping bill ?
What did the midget say in the crowded elevator? You guys are a bunch of assholes.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Why are magnets so arousing? They're very attractive.
I'm doing asbestos I can.. dealing with mesothelioma.
a lion stalks a fawn a man steps out from behind tree I'm Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
What do you call a Death Sentence for a Movie Theater Shooting? Too much to ask for.
I named my boat "Marriage"... so that it will never sink, cause marriage is a hardship.
So I was in my house masturbating... and my sister comes up to me all indignant like. She asks me what the hell is wrong with me. I reply that she should knock before coming into her room.
What did one redneck say to the other? If you were anymore inbred, you'd be a sandwich.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can't because he's choking on all of the axe body spray I'm wearing*
Dogs and house intruders What did 15 of my former dogs and the intruder have in common? They were delicious.
The Holy Liar A: "I dont trust in god." B: "You're an atheist? :o" A: "No, i think he's a liar."
How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving? He's Russian to Turkey.
You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.
The abortion train just arrived at the station. ALL ABORT! *choo choo*
Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth? To prevent tooth DK.
The bunnies near my house are laying the smallest Easter eggs ever, and frankly they taste awful!
Did you hear the one about Jonestown? I'd tell it to you, but the punch line's too long.
That beard may hide a couple of your chins but it won't make you pretty, ma'am.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night and wondering if there really is a dog.
I hear Apple have released a line of people movers They call it Ivan
If Carly Fiorina had a sex change... ...do you think that she might also change her name to Charlie Feelmaweena?
What did watson say when he got constipation? No shit sherlock.
Why did the stutterer get shot in the ghetto? He was asking for directions for the "k-k-k-mart."
Alexis Ohanian
We all will get this Tired of these jokes
What do you call someone who can't eat burnt toast? Black toast intolerant.
What's the difference between a computer program and global warming? One's an algorithm, and the other's an Al Gore-ism!
Sorry, I'm holding out for the Zune Mini.
What's a pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet? Everyone thinks it's R but it's the C they love.
I got my IQ test results back today They were negative.
How do you make an elephant float? A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.
Don't blindfold an Asian with a shoe lace. That's lacist.
A giraffe walks into a bar... ...and says, "Ok boys, high balls are on me."
Did anyone hear about the new North Korean dance? Its called the Kim Jong un-ce unce unce unce unce
What do you call an animal that goes through your trash and tells great stories? A raccoonteur.
People always asked me why I made puns. I told them that we live in a world where a comedian either climbs to be a legend or lives long enough to start using puns... and I chose the ladder.
What do you call it when... A guy from Massachusetts doesn't pull out? A Boston cream pie!
If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.
#NAME?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
'I like mouse but I couldn't eat a whole one' - Our sodding cat
Why did the Little Mermaid run away with the fisherman? He had allure.
I was at a cafe when a Frenchman spilled water on himself. It was a pretty l'eau point in his life. (L'eau is French for water)
Him: I love nerd girls Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can't feel water, only a change in temperature? Him: no. not like that.
"I've got 99 problems." - Walt Disney after only being able to give two Dalmatian puppies away
Jokes about communism aren't funny... unless you share them with everyone
Half of men in America watch porn everyday. The other half are liars.
Economic research Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle attract the most interest.
"I'm not here to make 'Friends'!" --Matthew Perry on some reality show in 2016 so get ready to laugh!
Son: Dad, what does gay' means? Father: It means to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Did you hear that Robin got married? Holy Matrimony, Batman!
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
What's the difference between healthcare.gov and Derrick Rose? Healthcare.gov was broken and now it works.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn't be so angry.
What were the photocopier's last words? Good night, sweet prints...
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
Im surprised Mayweather can hug so well... despite all those domestic abuse charges
People that can't walk are so lame
A man walks into a chemist and asks for some Viagra at the counter... The chemist says to the man, "Do you have a prescription for that?" "No." The man replies, "But will a photo of my wife suffice?"
You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women's restroom.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert. God: No problem. Moses: But since you can make anything- God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
What do you call a teacher that's always late? Mr. Bus (think about it)
Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don't want you.
Bought a cheap horse over the weekend. Problem is she sleeps all day. What a nightmare.
A greek guy is bullied on the interwebs... grekt
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
The CEO of Apple came out gay... Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight
No one lies on the Internet They told me my computer had a virus, and asked if I wanted to do a FREE security check. Sure enough, my computer had a virus. How nice of them to tell me.
My friends eyes are so skewed.. [Original Joke] He looks like a cow
I always thought i had a good imagination... but it turns out it was just my imagination
I Got a Haircut Recently It wasn't what I wanted but it grew on me.
Do math majors get degrees or radians?
"Help me, I'm slowly turning into a ghost from the top down." -Mrs. Butterworth
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should have put it on aloha setting.
The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bera ! Bera who ? Bera necessity !
Confucius say lucky girl is girl who meets boy in park; Confucius say lucky boy is boy who parks meat in girl.
(Can we bring back the good old Chuck Norris short jokes people?-I'll start first) Chuck Norris is the first guy to have made a knot out of a diamond.
Where does a North Korean go after he upvotes a thread on Reddit? To the morgue.
When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it's because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor
So. Like. We're all just gonna ignore the rapture that's supposed to happen?
What's brown and rhymes with 'Snoop'? Dr Dre
The police station installed "Safe Spots" for Craigslist sales... Which is great because I always met in a park under a tree but it always seemed so shady.
What is hard when it goes in and soft and sticky when it comes out? A chewing gum
Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 11 12.
Where is Wall Street? Between Mexico and the US.
I really want to get on the mars one mission Because I'm against premartial sex
Here's a 'Frozen' joke that I heard from an eight year old Knock knock *Who's there?* You *[You who?](http://memecrunch.com/meme/1MG0Q/big-summer-blowout/image.png)*
What do you get when you cross an Aboriginal with a Caucasian? A half decent person.
What Egyptian King called for equal farting rights for all? Toot-in-common
Superman's only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.
Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He's very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.
Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, "IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE" he fumes
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Women should be like a well placed rug You should be able to lay them then leave them
Donald Trump says he'll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she'll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
For once Bill will be talking about Hillary... When he says she blew it.
Hilary's reaction to learning Bill has been cheating. "I know."
ME: genie, i wish i was dead GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left ME: i dont think u understood
The place I store my loud elf Shhh elf
My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.
Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder? *points thumbs at chest* That guy.
What's the most 'Spoken' language on Earth? Hint: It's not English Spanish.
Why couldn't the drummer make it to the show? He locked the bass player in the car.
A T-Rex and a Dude walk into a bar.... Dude says "Hey T-Rex, ya got the first round?" T-Rex says "Sorry dude, I'm short handed"
You have the circle if light, but what do you call the circle of death? A noose.
Working in an Action Man factory pays very well indeed... You can make six figures in an hour.
I knew the guy who invented the clothes iron. Unfortunately, he died from being ironed on the face. I still remember the iron-y smell of his blood.
A recent survey suggests 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape
Don't ask the Norse professor about his old subject... It's a Thor subject. And he still doesn't want to Friggen talk about it.
"Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop." "I'm a cop." "So you're a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let's do this shit"
Hey EU, heard you lost a country... ..., UK bro?
What does a church shooting sound like? Pew! Pew!
How do black people make fruit salad? They mix watermelon and grape soda. (On a side note, I'm not racist. I just think black people and racist jokes are funny.)
Now a Days never ask a ... Never ask: ... A Woman Her Age.! . &gt; &gt; . A Man his Salary.!!! . . . ANd Now a days.... A students , His Percentage... . Its hurts source: http://www.newgags.com
What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water? Gonna take a while to get me hard, I just got laid by a chick.
Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a masturbating guy with Leprosy Hope I can pull it off.
What was Jean-Paul Sartre's favorite art form? Exi-stencilism
You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all lamps in the room
I've been waking up with a headache for years Unfortunately I'm married to it.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Helen Keller walked into a bar Then a table, and a wall.
Why isn't your nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot
That moment where you playfully punch a kid in the grocery store, and only afterwards realize it wasn't yours.
What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a drink? "Olive or twist?"
Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.
Why are fish so educated? Because a lot of them are in schools.
The Mona Lisa was arrested for loitering today But it wasn't her fault, she was framed.
Why couldn't the retarded man talk normally? He was trying to hold the door
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
If smart guys like dumb girls, and dumb guys like dumb girls, who likes smart girls? Cats.
Whats better than Roses on a Piano? Tulips on an Organ.
I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.
I love my dog. He's a real son-of-a-bitch.
Why is it so hard to build a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.
My doctor said to be careful when i drive underground with other people in the car Otherwise i might get carpool tunnel syndrome
How to give a good hand job... Step 1: Use your mouth.
I got offered a job at a kaleidoscope company. I'm looking into it.
Where do war generals make decisions? In a think tank
How was the hamburger murdered? First it was 'rolled' then smothered in onions
[grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Imagine going back to the Middle Ages and telling people that we can fly in the future. They'd be like "DUDE WTF are you wearing Crocs?"
What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down? A cow.
Our teacher talks to herself does yours ? Yes but she does't realise it she thinks we're actually listening  !
Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts? Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.
What do you call a flock of crows who are resisting the urge to sin? *A tempted murder*
What do a mole and an eagle have in common? They both live underground, apart from the eagle.
What do you call a married cougar? A cheetah.
When two girls hate each other, they say "we should DEFINITELY hang out" and then take turns shouting "definitely!" until one of them dies.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You 'neek up on it. Wanna know how to catch a tame rabbit too?  The tame way.
Why wasn't I able to see the instruction manual? Because the instructions were clear.
Self-refilling glass. Just add water
/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards! 97% recycled content.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor... ...that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench The NBA
I do have a life outside of Facebook, but I don't remember the password for it.
So girl on a scale of 1 to America how free are you tonight? North Korea.
I couldn't afford Vokswagen Thus, Auto.
If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.
When you're fast enough to be at two spots at the same time. *Fat
Have you seen FullMetal Alchemist? The cow says "moo". The cat says "meow". The dog says "ed...ward...ed...ward". Explanation : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbRtoFNqn84
Morbidlly obese preteens at the nail salon are what's wrong with America.
Why are blondes such bad cow herders? Because they can't keep their calves together
The cost of living has now gotten so bad... ...that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
I have a friend named Free Bird He gets lost at concerts.
It's so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house
I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
What did the depressed terrorist say to the passengers on the plane he hijacked? I'm sorry to bring you all down.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I'm not doing this shit."
I assume people who don't hate people also don't drive.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I'm lucky I eat at all
Steven King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice have all announced their retirement stating: Nothing we write will ever be scarier than this election
This new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.
I can't wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
Who wrote "The Open Kimono"? "? Seymour Hare.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.
Did you hear about the new Comedy Central show? a polar bear offers his commentary about current events. Its called the Cold Bear Report!
Doesn't get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner. Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers would make me cry until I started to pay my bills
Q: What lottery did the broom win? A: The sweepstakes.
Did you hear about the American Athlete who was stripped of all her medals? When Olympic officials tested her urine, they found traces of Lance Armstrong.
I'm giving up for Lent.
There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.
What goes in dry and hard, but comes out, wet and soft? Chewing gum
The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League
What would Hillary tell Bill when she will sit at the Oval Office? "Close, Bill, but no cigar!"
It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be... Too stoned with one bird.
What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol? Xanax since he's a Bartender
I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried. I hear it can make a vas deferens in my sex life.
I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot? Myself.
Why is everyone afraid of Vladimir Putin? Because Vlad is Putin everyone in their place. I'll let myself out.
We are friends until the waiter sets that plate of nachos down on the table, then we are mortal enemies
What do you call a soda that's really sad? So Dapressed. I'll leave now.
What do you call violence in the kitchen? Assault and pepper
What's the difference between OP and a brick? A brick gets laid!
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too.
What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
My buddy Bob got fired from McDonald's He just couldn't ketchup in the training.
23 "Amazing" Photos That Will Make You Cry Because You're Emotionally Repressed And Have Been Waiting For An Excuse To Cry
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
What kind of porn do blind people watch? (NSFW) Ebony
Twitter's "suggestions for you" should include the basics, too, like "get more sleep" and "have you responded to that email from your mom?"
There once was a man from Nantucket... ...who started a poem then said "fuck it."
Going for a classy St. Patrick's Day this year. Anyone know of a good green wine?
If you can't afford healthcare... Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
The inventor if the anti-virus software has been charged with murder. They expect the trial to last 30 days
"hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars." idiot flintstones. no wonder you're extinct.
I tried to explain what a double entendre is But it's sooo hard.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!
I came home to a man going down on my asian wife... I looked that man straight in the eye and said to him "Was it worth it? You know you're gonna be hungry again in an hour!"
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware store? Because he wanted a tight seal.
My husband thinks it's really weird I only like green bananas and I think it's really weird I have a husband.
Broke up with my girlfriend today It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
"This joke is told through a third persons omniscient point of view." Said the guy who wanted everyone to know that he had gotten an A in his literature class.
i dont think anyone quotes mlk more than white people who were just accused of racism themselves
*At the ouija board* Me: Err... mom? Can't we just... Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I just flew in from Nova Scotia and boy, are my arms tired... From jacking it in first class the whole way.
I once knew a dyslexic priest He always said "woof" instead of "amen".
Torque is like drugs It makes everything spin around.
My Kit-Kat bar got stuck in the vending machine at work... ...gimme a break...
Did you hear about the guy that farted in church? He had to sit in his own pew.
[first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
At some point shouldn't airlines be embarrassed their airplanes are older than those cars people drive in Cuba?
What's worse than 16 dead babies nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to 16 trees.
Why do they call it the Star Wars Universe? When it's only a galaxy
I can't listen to orchestral music anymore Too much sax and violins.
The most unrealistic part of The Martian movie was... CNN's coverage did not involve speculation about whether Joe Biden would also get stuck on Mars
Linguistic studies have shown results about drivers of east asian cars... It is proven that a large number of Hyundai owners have an accent.
i wish i could grow a burrito in my backyard. what if blades of grass were mini burritos. i could make a bed out of mini burritos.
Did you hear about the mohel with no knife? He was a ripoff.
What type of computer sings well? Adell.
You can call me xenophobic... But I think the United Nations has too many foreigners.
I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy. Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.
Caught out in the wilderness without any toilet paper? Just take a leaf out of Bear Gryll's book... Edit: Spelling
They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he's super cute.
Former eye doctor Rand Paul decided to run for president in 2016 Of all people, you would have thought he'd have 2020 vision
I'm so fat that every time I log on reddit it is under a heavy load :(
My Favorite Fairy Tale The dog who cried woof
Me: My computer broke IT guy: What have you tried so far? Me: Everything IT guy: Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Today I made a boat with a lot of ballast on the hull. It made turning a bit of a *drag*.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bo ! Bo who ? Bo Geste !
For my new year's resolution I will stop replying to funny jokes I hear by saying LOL
A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I'm the subject of a monthly sermon series.
Why did the Native American feel so reluctant about booking a hotel room? He had his reservations.
What's a Christian's favourite chord progression? G,Esus.
I never know what to do with my hands when I'm at a urinal besides flick the earlobes of the guy next to me.
Do not trust atoms... They make everything up.
I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Did you hear that in September of 2001, America made a 'The Hobbit' based plane? It's first stop was the Two Towers
What does Reddit and fat people have in common? A LOT of people don't like them right now
When I sit down on a field, I automatically start pulling grass out of the ground.
Why do college students already get up at 7? Because the supermarket closes at 7:30
Friend celebrated her birthday today by falling off an elephant in Thailand, if you thought I'm the weird one in my circle.
Why don't women parachute naked? Cause they would whistle on the way down
What do you call a pirate's helicopter? An Eye-patchy helicopter! &gt;&gt;(Apache) . Ill show myself out.
What's the only thing that grows in Ferguson? The crime rate.
It's good that we aren't hearing about priests in the news lately. It seems that kids these days are finally learning how to keep a secret.
What does a traffic cop do when he wins some money? Buys an intersection for a private business work.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
A dad ask his kid, why do we go to school... we dont learn anything important anyways he hold him, "Dont be silly. Of course they do... look at how good i am with a gun"
If you can't be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
How does Darts Vader eat spaghetti? With the force and knife.
What does music have to do with safety? If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
Damn girl, you remind me of my mother! /* indistinguishable sobs *
How do you keep an idiot in suspense for 24 hours? I'll tell you the answer tomorrow.
I think that laziest animals must be the animals in the seas. There is Sawshark, Hammerheadshark, Electric eel. Still not a single one house completed.
What do you call orange juice that looks like apple juice, but tastes like orange juice? Juice Jenner. I'll be here all week
When I was younger, I thought I had a Chinese friend. But it was just my imaginasian.
Sad day--NBC said no to my TV idea, 'Celebrity Q-tip Cams', where we go deep inside the ears of the stars.
Battered Women Not as delicious as it sounds
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little "boogie" in it.
What is 007's favorite subject at school? Chemistry, because he knows a lot about bonds!
What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation? Doesn't matter, still born.
[types symptoms into WebMD] WebMD: Eww. Gross.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers When you see one, you've seen a mall
What do you call spaghetti disguised as linguine? Faux-teccine
A high schooler told his geology teacher that.. "geology rocks!" The teacher's response? "that's Gneiss, but it's too bad you're so schist at it" #\#rokt
My father once gave me "the talk" Storks bring white babies. Crows bring black babies. Swallows bring no babies.
What is the difference between a Nerd and a Troll. Trolls were once Nerds too before they went over to the Dork side.
Why did Eric Clapton move from PC to Mac? He had a bad experience with Windows
What sound does a Gordonramseysaurus make? ITS RAWR!
a Guy walks down an American street. He sees a policeman and wave. Later the same day the police explain to the press: ''It was self-defence, he had a gun in his hand somewhere''
What did Wonder Woman tell The Flash when he saw that he was greying? "I still find you dashing"
A guy comes into a bar... Wait. No. It was a horse. A guy comes into a horse.
Do vampires get AIDS?
What smell foot, pussy and ass in the same time ? rolled into a ball tights
Your mama is so fat... She bungee jumped and went straight to hell.
If Hillary had a sex change, then we still wouldn't have a female president... except for North Carolina.
Q: What two states are opposites? A: Maryland and Misury
"Welcome... To Jurassic Park." "But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period--" "WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS"
There was a French chef... ...And one day he was extremely angry and said he is going to quit. Another man asked him "why?" Then the chef said "All the food is out of date and I've just had un oeuf"
Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack can bang Jill's fanny. Jack came down with quite a frown Because Jill's a fucking tranny.
What's worse than one dead baby nailed to ten trees? One live baby nailed to ten trees.
Fertilizer Plant Explosion This fertilizer sucks, all these plants are dead!
I know a girl who is completely obsessed with Mexican men. She's a Pedrophile.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers. The librarian says....
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing...it just let out a little wine.
If trump doesn't get the Republican nomination There will be hell toupe (Converted from another joke found in this board!)
What did the monitor say when it got punched? "Ouch, that Hertz!"
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones.
Why does Trump love babies. Because one day when they are old enough, he'll either Fire em or Fuck em.
What did the butcher say to the cow? ...I love you for your inner beauty.
Today's laugh Every day I tell myself: "Jack, you have to stop drinking". Good thing my name ain't Jack!
Hit my neighbor's cat last night Quick little bastard, I had to cross two lanes to get him
My entire life I have never been able to finish anything. Most recent is this punch
I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war. Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...
10: Mom what's a metaphor? Me: My life is a train wreck. 10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
There are so many internet scams right now Send me $19.99 and I will tell you how to avoid them all
What does Miller Light and having sex in a canoe have in common? They're both fucking close to water.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
How do you get a date on Tinder? Seriously guys, I've been trying for months so if anyone have any useful tips it would be much appreciated.
how do you tell a joke without a punchline?
the fondue...? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Bill Gates named his company after his penis. Discuss
What do you call a group of black cartographers? Niggas with Latitude.
Why can't you hang out with bears? Their bad breath is un-bear-able.
The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.
I couldn't decide how to propose to the love of my life So I decided to ask her husband for advice.
I give new meaning to the word "awesome." At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.
Jokes Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Health Tip: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts- ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you're saying the wrong things
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? None: the light bulb must find $80,000 to become clear, then it will have the self-determination to change itself.
If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.
What is the darkest / dirtiest joke you have ever heard???
I just got a 69 on a test.. And the teacher put "see me after class" on it... I think I like where this is going ;)
another from my sis when she was 5 What do you call a ice cube in the toilet? Poop cuber
[eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"
I'm so broke right now, if my gf leaves me for a richer person I'm going with them -__-
What do you call an intoxicated midget? A little drunk.
Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.
Where do you hide after killing a black person? behind a badge
Why is Donald Trump a good candidate? Because if he was bad he'd be a CANTdidate.
What were the old-time gangster's last words? "Who put this fucking violin in my violin case?!"
Why did the circus animals go on strike? The elephants found out that they were being paid peanuts compared to the rest of the troupe and the ringleader was taking the lions share.
A bottle of Rum goes up to a bottle of Vodka... ...and says, "I'm stronger than you!" Bottle of Vodka rolls up his sleeves and says "Proof it"
Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Did you hear about the Feminist gun? She got triggered.
Have you heard about that new movie Constipation? Oh wait - it hasn't come out yet! *ba dum tss*
Why are feminists bad cashiers? They can't make change.
Hi electron, will you be at home tonight? Probably.
People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town... I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.
There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones, But alas it twas in vein.
Sex is like chess You gotta know in which position to put the queen
This nation really has gotten lazy, what with buying pre-shredded cheese and all. I think it's time to make America grate again.
What do you pay a hooker with? Income.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I just want to love someone half as much as a dog loves anyone
What did Obama say when he was alone? Obamaself
9/11 Jokes aren't funny... But the other 2 are.
How many saiyans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. But it takes 3 episodes.
What do you call Batman if he leaves church? Christian bail.
Have you heard the original version of Stevie Wonder's hit song? I just called to say.....I found the phone
Why doesn't Santa have any children? He only comes once a year and it's down a chimney.
Sis-Boom-Ba... What sound does a sheep holding a stick of dynamite make?
Sorry I yelled "April Fool's" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria's!!
What three things does a woman need to do an oil change on her car? Two boobs and a man
No one seems to like my gallows humor. They get so hung up about it.
When my roommate won't wash the dishes I always leave a note'hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep'
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Heard this really good joke at work today. You guys would've really loved it.
Why do christians burn fossil fuels? They're trying to destroy the evidence.
How do you make a rabbit stew? Keep it waiting.
Say pns U just said penis :)
Why a giraffe got arrested while driving? Coz he was high :D
Wait! What?! The subway is flooded? WHAT ABOUT THE NINJA TURTLES?! *prays*
Where did the crab work inside her new job at the pizza factory? At the crust station.
You don't know what you have until it's gone.... For example, toilet paper
A guy gets pulled over for speeding The cops walks up to the guy's car window and says "Son, I've been here just a waitin' for you all day." The guy replies "Well, I got here as fast as I could".
What's the #1 song in Ukraine? Crimea River
What is a cows favorite shade of red! Mooroon!
What kind of overalls does mario wear? Denim, denim, denim
What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Sperm? One comes from Baghdad and the other ones comes from Dads bag.
I sexually identify as an invisible dad. I'm trans-parent.
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party? The cat ate her.
what sex position produces the ugliest babies? ask your mother
There's no use crying over spilled milk. Unless you crashed your milk truck and spilled it all over the freeway, killing a family.
I came across something really weird last night... I think she was half-goat or something?
Yo girl, are you my appendix? Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
Q: Why is air a ton like sex? A: Because it's no major ordeal unless you're not getting any.
I found out my date likes to dissect people from Southeast Asia. I've since decided to cut Thais with her.
Did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven?
Why do women have trouble parking? Because men tell them that 6" is more than it actually is.
I love drinking games.... except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Evening News is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish! Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
On the topic of NSFW woman jokes... "Want to go get some Pizza and Fuck?" "No!" "Oh you don't like pizza?"
How come NASCAR drivers don't get along with each other? Because they're racists. (Race-ists)
The 11th commandment was, "Talk shit, get hit" but God totally didn't have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I thought i saw an ocean filled with orange soda It turns out it was just a Fanta-sea
After months of trying to come up with a joke that makes sense, my 10yo sister dropped this one on me last night. What killed the cat? A stroke.
Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.
Came up with this on a long car ride What's a skeleton's least favorite game? wishbone
What do you get if you cross a Boxer and a Painter? Mohammed Dali
Gravity is such a slut She goes down on everything
Me: We didn't even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age. 6yo: Did you have bikes? Me....nope, we rode horses. 6yo: WOOOOW
A study shows women are more interested in how a penis looks than in how big it is ... As long as it looks big.
Kanye West becomes the President And Kim Kardashian becomes the First Lady
Two fish in a tank. [x-post from r/Jokes] One asks: How do you drive this thing?
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other? See ya next month.
A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"
Says I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.
#NAME?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn't have wrapped it like a burrito.
Jesus take the wheel Carlos you take the stereo and I got lookout!
For every 1 hour I spend with friends, I need 30 days to recover by myself.
What's another name for a supernova? A POPstar. HAHAHAHA. Living is pain. Unbearable. End me.
What do you do with a dead scientist? Barium
Unfortunately..... Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.
Did you hear the one... about the blind prostitute? You really had to hand it to her.
What does a chicken call its backpack? A BokBok...
Why did Hitler pass out? he saw the gas bill
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? It is really easy to roast beef.
My body looks up and it begs me, "Eat a vegetable," and I look down and I whisper, "No"
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know. I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one :(
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar It was tense
Why do guys not like to eat pussy first thing in the morning? Because, you know what it's like to open up a grilled cheese sandwich!
So I just gave birth to a butt baby [NSFW] Well, actually no, it came out in a bunch of pieces so I guess it was more of a butt abortion.
Me: *tied up* Guy: *hits my kneecap* M: I'm not a rat! G: Bring in her sworn enemy! G2: *tosses Rubik's Cube at me* M: Oh god no! I'll talk!
What kind of bug wants to buy lawn turf? A gras shopper.
Life...it's just an "F" in lie.
What do you call the space in between Pamela Anderson's breasts? Silicon Valley
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit - I will find you, and I will marry you
How do you make 50 old ladies go "fuck! Shout "bingo!"
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Your secret is safeish with me
Why didn't Abraham Lincoln go to jail? Because he was in-a-cent!
It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye; unless you're Stevie Wonder, then it's just ironic.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause.
What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head? An ambulance because that is a serious medical emergency that requires immediate attention.
I pushed the happy button... ...I just made it depressed.
I asked a blonde, "How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?" She answered, "Two. But they can't fit inside a light bulb to screw in it, silly."
You don't hear much from our Vice President.... Obama zipped him up and he's a-biden. Edit: typo. For you, grammar nazis.
I was trying to work out what that flying red disk was But then it hit me
If Donald Trump becomes president we will have toupee more taxes.
It's hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs They always take things literally.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
The thing I love about baseball is that it has all the excitement of football, packed into 162 4 hour games.
What do you get when you cross a seal and a polar bear? A polar bear.
Why are babies always gurgling with joy?  Because it's a nappy time.
I'm most productive at work when I'm in the bathroom. It's where I get shit done.
What's a bigamist? It's a large fog in Italy
Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells? Because she doesn't fit into B shells
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there Really hoping this is Halloween related
What have sex, money and depression in common? You don't talk about them, you have them.
Japan isn't a democracy. They don't have big erections.
Steve-"My wife is a very careful driver". Smith-"How do you know that"? Steave-"She Always Slows down when passing a red light"!
What happens when doughnuts join a sorority? They have to go through the glazing. I'm sorry I'm a baker it just came to me... Pun-ishment is in order.
What happens when you sing a country music song backwards? You get your wife, truck, and land back.
How do people do backflips and shit, like I can't even flip my grilled burger without fucking it up.
Top 4 horrified face expressions: 4. dragged away by crocodile 3. stabbed by serial killer 2. mauled by bear 1. no toilet paper
Sound smarter than you are: end words with "eaux" and sentences with "if you will." If you're pissed, "quite frankly" adds a nice touch.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories. I can't wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
A woman went to a doctor a breast operation, he offered to numb her breasts And he used Novocaine You perverted fucks
Bowtie pasta is the most handsome of all the pastas.
9gag anyone?
Sometimes I feel like a pelican Whichever way I look, I can see a huge bill..
[Dirty] What do you call a tear in the American flag? An old glory hole.
What do you call someone who is always disagreeing with their calculator? A chronic math debater
I opened my closet, looking for my boots. And there they were... Gone! (as told to my by my Bella-Russian-Canadian (and redditor) friend)...
How come the Welsh can't keep track of how many they've had sex with with? Well, they start counting, but they fall asleep before they're finished.
He was very careful during bondage sessions. He always used a safe word that contained upper and lower case letters and at least one number.
How do you know it's time to do the dishes? Look in your pants, if you see a penis, it's not time yet.
What is amnesia? Is it: A) memory loss A) memory loss Or 3) The Battle of Hastings
What's the worst thing about being a transgender? Having the women inside of you telling you what to do.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I don't feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes... I finished mine over a year ago...
What is Jared's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period.
[job interview] "We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position." It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it. "...yes."
Two assholes talking One says: hey, you wanna fart? The other says: sorry mate, I gotta run
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
How did the prostitute get promoted? She slept her way to the top!
As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I'm bad at irony.
TIFU No, literally. Your girl was on my lap. That's the only time I fuck up.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
The Alabama State Motto It's not considered incest if you pull out.
People who say losing weight is "just math" clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
What is Russia's codename for Trump? Agent Orange.
Why doesn't the queen's farts smell? Because it's a noble gas.
My girlfriend found a spot between her boobs this morning, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.
My girlfriend broke up with me for gaming too much... What a silly thing to Fallout 4.
Plot twist *Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I heard a Freudian slip once... He broke both his arms.
What do we want? "A CURE FOR TOURETTES!!!" When do we want it? "FUCK!!"
How can you tell if something is clickbait?
How did the Roman cut his hair? Caesar
Just need to grow I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn't get bacon seeds anywhere.
At midnight, thousands of people will be at Times Square to witnesss Ryan Seacrest's balls drop.
If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one...?
What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree onto you it will probably kill you? A pool table. (*)
I just finished reading Mein Kampf... Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten.
Although "Appreciate the little things" is good life advice, It's not something to say in bed.
Achieve the "smokey eye" look by setting your head on fire.
Prostate Cancer **;** Edit: *But seriously, cancer isn't funny.*
Have you heard about the music stores percussion sale? Their prices can't be beat Have you heard about their guitar sale? The prices are solo
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet! WINDOWSTM: restart planet for important updates GOD: um ok *dinos die, man appears* GOD: wtf
Which Pokeman has the best sex? Squirtle
Where do terrorists go to have a drink? Allahuak Bar
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you're automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If you were working at Hewlett Packard and you sprinted out of the building... ...would you die because you ran out of HP?
When do elephants have eight feet? When there are two of them.
What did the dolphin say to the other dolphin after he splashed him? "Hey! You did that on porpoise!"
And asks for a drink... A time traveller walks into a bar.
Drug test Employer- we need to take your drug test to see if there are any drugs in your urine Employee- I'll pass, you won't check my nose right?
Told my dad about watching Friends on Netflix... Replies with: "It's better than watching enemies on netflix."
Where did Jessica go after the explosion? Everywhere
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers.
So it's been a few days since Phil and Ken got married under Irish law... And already Phil wants to Kilkenny
Yoda Tells a Math Joke. Why is 11 afraid of 9? Because ten, nine ate!
Heard this the other day. Made me piss myself even though im not American There's nothing worse than a 6.9 A 69 interrupted by a period.
Did you hear about the Holy Cow? Some say he was legend-dairy.
What do you call Pixar porn? Fucked Up
How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three, one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.
Absence might make the heart grow fonder; but Absolut makes my clothes go yonder.
two gay blokes are preparing to go away on a holiday... one says to the other, "want me to pack your shit?"
Matthew McConaughey walks into a Trump rally "Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right."
There is 1 type of person in the world 0. Those that program 1. Those that don't 2. NullPointerException
Why are rapists terrible at academics? BECAUSE THEY THINK WITH THE WRONG HEAD!
Why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison? She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.
I hate ingrown hairs... They really get under my skin
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I've only done that with pizza
A man walks into a bar He got his penis out and was promptly arrested for public indecency.
What did the guitars do when they were unhappy with their government? Formed a coustic d'etat
What do you call a Filipino yoga instructor? A Manila Folder.
What does a dead hooker and a flat beer have in common... No head.
I used to do drugs... ...I still do, but I used to, too.
Masturbation in the Mafia is called 'Offing Jack.'
You get in trouble for resisting arrest, but apparently you don't get extra credit for handcuffing yourself in advance.
I've been having a bad feeling lately.. I think one of my dads might be gay.
Did you hear Richie Benaud died today? It happened this morning at twooo:twentytoooo
Will you be my horcrux? I promise I'll leave a piece of me inside you.
TIL the average person has sex 90 times a year... ... My December is going to be fucking sick.
My doctor asked if I drink to excess. I told him I'll drink to anything.
If you play a Justin Bieber track backwards... ...You'll hear satanic messages. Even worse, if you play it forward, you'll hear Justin Bieber!
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends? Me: your mother, why? W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
What's blue and doesn't fit? An epileptic at the bottom of a pool.
Me: Time travel Interviewer: what's your biggest stren- holy shit
What do you call it when you get a boner at a funeral? Mourning wood.
A Hurricane and a Divorce in Virginia I learned this joke from my chem teacher: What do a hurricane and a divorce in Virginia have in common? Screaming, crying, and somebody loses a trailer!
What do you call a cool bear?
What is the difference between a woman and a hippo? One has an overly big mouth and a fat ass and one lives in the water.
"Babe I'm ready for bed" "Why so early its the weekend?" [background] "Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison's local business men"
I wish dicks were more like technology So I could brag about how small mine is
A wife is like a boomerang  the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
"Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening." - How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
What is the fastest thing in the world? Milk. Because it's pasteurised before you see it.
Still good at casually flexing my bicep the second before a girl touches it.
Why don't they just use a 3 year old with a drum set as an enhanced interrogation technique?
I'm about as jealous as a cancer patient who watches x-men.
What do you call a confident chicken? Cocky
Why did Oscar Pistorius shoot his girlfriend in the bathroom? Because he's one of the few people in World that couldn't kick down the door.
duh. Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree before? A: No? See, it works!
Is it official now that Glenn Frey is running on empty? Too soon I know, I'm so sorry! My friend just said this and I couldn't help but laugh.
Me: When I have a rough day, you're there. When I need to cry, you're there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I'll never be the girl who walks in the room and commands everyone's attenHEY! Can you at least finish reading this tweet?!
I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.
What's the slowest boat? A snail boat
Woman jokes aren't funny, period.
If your girlfriend starts smoking... Slow down and try using some lube!
What does the sign say on an out-of-business brothel? Beat it, we're closed.
If Jack helped you off the horse... ... would you help Jack off the horse? I tried.
My German wife has just had a Brazilian. It was a Klose shave.
TIFU by crying at a funeral -- about my favorite team losing. sorry wrong sob
the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled fuck and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex
What do you call a skinny Pakistani cow? A moo-slim.
I heard women love a man in uniform.. Can't wait to start working at McDonalds.
Do you know where the Belgium waffle design comes from? From the German tank tracks.
I found the worlds worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter;it's not going to come
I saw a black man carrying a TV... so I was worried that mine had been stolen, but when I got home I found it was still mowing the lawn.
I'm Skyping your mom right now I've got both monitors up so she can fit.
If sleep is the cousin of death, then nap-kins are at least relatives.
3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I don't want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.
What's the same between Brussel sprouts and anal sex? If you enjoy it as as an adult you hated it as a kid
How do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes? You've had whey too much!
Atheists are like a broken pencil They're missing the point
I used poo to wash my hair. What a sham! Poo doesn't work at all!
[First date] Her: I'm really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park Me: *looking under table* you didn't bring your dog?
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Juan
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60 She's 93 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
Why is Karl Marx a fan of the Galactic Empire? He was born ina 1818.
"We don't have iced coffee" Me: "You have coffee?" "Yes" Me: "You have ice?" "Yes" Me: "Were you raised in a barn?"
What is a feminist's favorite math topic? Triggerednometry
How do to an indian burn My curry is better than yours.
Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he'll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants
What kind of meth do nerds like? Xbox SmartGlass
What would ISIS be if George Bush was still president? WASWAS
What do you call three Pokemon nerds having a circle jerk. Dugtrio
So, I was sitting on a train across from a beautiful Thai girl. And all I could think was "Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner." And then she did.
I came across a joke on Reddit.... ....and read-it.
The first rule of dad club is shut the goddamn door on your way in, we're not trying to heat the whole outdoors here.
God is obviously a Civil Engineer... ... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.
What did the Indian woman say during sex? Please cum again!
An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon... It was secondhand.
My mother told me if I dislike someine, I'd have to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they tried to get me, I'd be a mile away and they'd have no shoes.
My SO just left me for a guy with a conjoined twin. She says he's twice the man I am.
Of my four girlfriends, I'm totally the orange Pacman ghost of the group
I bought an air filtration system on black friday It's already collecting dust in the basement.
Hate to be that guy.... ... because he's a dick. Fuck him.
Fries are basically edible cigarettes. Delicious edible cigarettes.
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "How did you get here?" he asked. And the new angel replied "Flu..."
I bet you one dollar I can touch your tit without touching your clothes fuck it, it's just one dollar
I do most of my lying when I'm trying to get off the phone.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Why is a woman like a KFC? After your done with the thighs and breasts all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
What do you call a man who you are not sure will become your friend? A training brah.
Which President is the worst at Jenga? Bush, because he keeps knocking down towers
Grilled some hotdogs and offered my friend one He said, "No thanks, I'm Jewish." I said, "Don't worry, they're free."
So tell me, what do you think of the rectum as a whole?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Did you hear about Princess Dianas car crash? She was all over the radio. And the dash. And the windshield...
Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then. Pupil: My dad won't like that. Teacher: Why is that? Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!
Unhappy with the lion's rule, the hippos decided to create a new government after themselves Sadly, it often contradicted itself
I'm introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
When you watch the movie Titanic, it's just the Anic. Because they edit the tits out.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 8' to 11' tall.
Dog walking is by far the easiest job I've done.. It was a walk in the park
9/11 Who? Knock Knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 Who? I thought you said you would never forget!
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons? "He wanted to be a hentertainer."
Jesus fed 5,000 Jewish people With bread and fish, and he's adored for it. I don't get it, Hitler made 6 million Jewish people toast and he's hated for it
Q: Why did the commuter want the carpool driver to take the bridge? A: To avoid car-pool tunnel!
(bed bath and beyond) *walks to beds* Wow nice beds *walks to baths* Wow nice baths *walks through intergalactic wormhole* Wow nice beyond
My entire family is prone to diarrhea... ...It runs in our jeans. EDIT: typo
Did you hear about the kidnapping? But then the kid woke up.
My Buddy Is So Mixed... He doesn't know who his step-dad is.
Dad joke Dad: [Grabs chest] Quick! call me an ambulance! Son: You're... an ambulance. Dad: I'm-I'm so proud of you, son. [Dies]
10 minutes into the work day and this subreddit is like the frozen section at the butcher shop. There are no fresh links.
It would be funny if after making love to Jennifer Lawrence she stood up & fired 50 or 60 arrows into my sweaty body.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're deep in shit.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel's hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth] "There can only be one socially awkward Princess," she vows savagely.
Why did the cowboy want a Weiner dog? To get a long little doggy.
I just ate dark chocolate. Does that mean I'm rich?
Do you want to hear the story on Sigmund Freud? NSFW It takes a while but it gets to the mother fucking point.
TL;DR The fine bros me: i'm allergic to peanuts fine bros: is that an allergic reaction? me: yes fine bros: see you in court
Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To keep their pants up.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
Did you hear there was a nuclear explosion in space this morning?! Most people call it the sun. Note: My dad pulled this on me this morning. My friend hit me when I told them.
What do you call masturbating on a plane? Hijacking.
i took a STD test today Turns out i pass with hepatitis A, i know what you're thinking and no i didn't cheat off the asian girl.
What do ISIS and anime fans have in common? They both get hot and bothered over cartoons.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I used to be addicted to soap... but I'm clean now.
What happens when you find bones on the moon? The cow didn't make it.
My whole family loves iron It runs in our blood.
Confucius Say: Man that stand on toilet is high on pot
Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.
I used to work at an orange juice factory... I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.
The Lion, the Witch and a fabulous fashion sense What did the Lion say to the Witch when she caught him coming out of the wardrobe? "My sexual preference is Narnia business."
It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year. It took doctors 6 hours to get it back out again.
I was once a man stuck in a woman's body Then my mother gave birth
Why was Adele's phone bill $500 this month? She must have called a 1,000 times
How do you die by heroin? When you are the villain
Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane's gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden's floating in.....?
My friend asked me why I carry my gun inside my house I told him 'Decepticons.' He laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. So I shot the toaster. It was a good day.
What was the car doing in the dressing room? Changing attire.
What did the two gum diseases say to the one who had a party without them? Why di'n'ja 'vite us?
So I caught my friend out the other night bumming a fag... ... He really has to start buying his own cigarettes.
I'm not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I'm going to hell in so many different religions.
If I was a Doctor, my prescription pad would just read: "Smoke 2 joints, eat ALL the chicken"
Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy &amp; z hate hanging out with the letter n? Because n always has to be the center of attention.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea: * L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I farted in an Apple Store Not my fault they don't have Windows
I sometimes love math jokes.... 50% of the time they put me in a positive mood
Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to choose first
My music teacher got electrocuted yesterday Unfortunately he was a great conductor.
What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
Dr: Are you sexually active? Me: *cries* Dr: Um, are you sexually- Me: *cries harder* Dr: .....Ok. Do you drink? Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
What animal has an asshole on its back? A police horse.
why was X afraid of Y? because 2Y-14/3X=0
YOUR MOMS HOUSE IS SO POOR I WENT TO KNOCK ON HER DOOR AND A ROACH TRIPPED ME AND A RAT TOOK MY WALET
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
*gets down to snails level* IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign ..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term
How do you measure a Lego minifigure's shoe size? In square feet.
I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: 'remove cap & push up bottom'. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely
What movie did Leonardo DiCaprio's dog recently star in? The Woof of Wall Street.
I work at a bar, don't like it but it pays good. I just kneaded the Dough. EDIT: Not bar, bakery. Sand autocorrect. Never use Reddit on a phone.
I once paid to see a man eating chicken one hour and three buckets of KFC later i realized what i paid for.
To all my Atheist and Agnostic friends. T_IF!
How long does it take Han Solo to screw in a light bulb? less than twelve parsecs.
Telling a girl she has nice hair is not sexual harassment Unless you're a dwarf
What's the difference between like, love and lust? Spit Swallow Gargle
Newt Gingrich's face looks like a fat woman's knee.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Insulting Bakers is Good Fun You can really get a rise out of them.
Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!
What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common? Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax.
*murderer looking for me* Murderer: I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me... Me under bed: *cry sings* He's just a poor boy from a poor family
If a woman drinks a glass of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY BOSS: I don't know you. Do you work here? ME: *sips wine* No. HIM: So your wife does? ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
The most disturbing joke that ever made me laugh. What's 20 inches long, has a purple head, and makes women scream?- Crib death.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used "luckfully" in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Why did the musician hate getting drunk? He always had treble finding his keys!
It seems a little insensitive for Batman movies to be rated PG
I like my coffee like I like my women. In the kitchen.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
How many Hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Some obscure number... you've probably never heard of it.....
Two condoms walk into the bar.. One says to the other "Hey, wanna get shit-faced?"
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I'll let you know if we can be friends.
Why is russian roulette bad for parties? It kills the mood  .
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but ... I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What's Trump's least favourite vegetable? Cillary!
Feminism That's all, feminism...
Animal Crackers... ... despised by gluten-free people and vegans
I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's fucking dead.
I ate a vegetable... And she liked it so much she woke up.
Why do teen girls travel in groups of three? Because they literally can't even.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
What do you get when you put a car and a  pet together ? Carpet !
I'm still angry about those Oreo Thins. I'm here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they're all "we went the other way with it."
Sir, there is a complaint filed against you. You called the prime minister a whore... OK. Who filed the complaint, prime minister or the whore?
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
When you're checking for murderers in your house, don't just yell out "hello!" that gives them the upper hand. Yell, "YOU AINT SHIT!"
Did you hear about the boxer who became a comedian? Turns out he was pretty good at delivering punchlines. *I'm sorry*
Why the young tailor couldn't finish his father's pants? Because he had no pocket money.
Girls, If your boyfriend has to ask you for a blowjob... You've failed.
What's the difference between Oscar the grouch and a grouch at the Oscars? Ones green and the other is black
why don't Italians have acne? (bad joke) Because it slides off.
What do you call a gay alcoholic? Liqourace.
Why was Noah the best businessman? He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation. The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone.
New camouflaged condoms! She'll never see you coming again.
What is tuba plus tuba? Fourba!
How to convert QT3.14 into GF format? Sorry, this option is not available in Beta version.
One guy says to another Guy 1: Dude one time I stuck my dick in a brownie Guy 2: Bro that's just wrong Guy 1: Yeah, I know. You can do time for statutory.
Girl, is your name "Schedule" ? Because I'm always running behind ya.
What did the politicians say after taking a huge bong hit? "What's Allepo?"
People always say pigs can't fly like they've never seen a police helicopter before.
Douce! The sound of a water balloon hitting a "Trick Or Treater" square in the face. Now try and have a Happy Halloween.
What do you call an angry Muslim in Ramadan? Fastin' Furious
Did you hear about the blind guy who got in a car accident? He regained his sight in ICU.
The element of surprise is the best element on the periodic table Because you don't even know it's there.
ATTENTION: We will be performing live power tool identification exercises today. This is not a drill.
Did you hear about the new camouflage turban? It helps you hide and Sikh.
Free admission to Disney On Ice!! Just push your knee against your eyes and you'll get to watch This Knee On Eyes.
What do you call a person who steals and is then praised by his/her friends? A Redditor.
What did Donald Trump hate most about school? Essays.
The guy who named the peacock was just trying to make himself feel better.
A driver had to slam on their brakes to avoid hitting a midget... ...I guess you can say they made a short stop.
What's the best part of growing up in Compton? No bad dad jokes.
What do gay horses eat? Horse cock.
The Biggest Joke of the Day is...... Hillary Clinton's campaign.
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you're not going to share ME: I am not going to share
Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else's music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.
Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down.
Want to hear my favorite holocaust joke? Aw, schwitz! I forgot it :(
My wife and I are expecting a child and I hope someone grabs her arm in public to talk about the baby. That way I can say, "Hey! Leggo of my preggo!"
American nuclear response time is around four minutes. But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a naked intern.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back] Me: Siri, call me 911 Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on Me: haha nice Siri: thanks 911
Kids are much like ________, they__________.
Water bears are so badass... if they fall into the pits at La Brea, the tar degrades.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks
A pencil stands face to face against his nemesis, Paper. Will our hero find the strength he needs to overcome his greatest foe?! 2B continued...
Facing charges for attacking a man on New Years Eve.. Well, excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.
Who is Nickelback's biggest fan? Helen Keller.
Cinderella If you play Cinderella backwards it's a woman learning her place....
You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
The Knicks ....that's all
You know peanuts can kill a person! Well, they are nuts, after all!
Only trust people that like big butts. They cannot lie.
What do you call a reptiloid that crashed landed its spaceship? Imsosaurus!
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, whereas this little piggy... ... went to a rape crisis centre after being introduced to David Cameron
My air conditioner broke. I've been breathing unconditioned air for the last 14 hours. This is how super villains are born.
Knock Knock... Knock knock Who's there? Boo. Boo who? No need to cry, it's only a joke.
Why will Donald Trump never have an amputation? Because you can't stump the Trump.
Why did the tomato blush red? Because it saw salad dressing! :D Just like I saw your mom dressing Cause she's a skank Come at me, Reddit. Come at me
I have a friend whose status says "suicidal standing on edge of cliff'.... I poked him.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn't know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I looked at my girlfriend this morning... And said, "Hey babe! Name me a [hypocorism](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hypocorism)." To which she rolled her eyes and said, "Honey..."
My mate sold me a guitar for 5... No strings attached
The only way I can appreciate a beautiful view is by taking a picture of it with my phone & looking at it on the screen.
A man with no arms and no legs is standing at the bus stop... The bus driver pulls up and and says "alright mate, how you getting on?"
what is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? beer nuts are at least a dollar fifty, and deer nuts are just under a buck.
What is yellow and smells like red paint? Yellow paint.
How did Helen Keller break her hands? Reading road signs at 30 MPH
What did Miss Piggy's boyfriend do after he found out she was unfaithful? Kermit suicide.
How is American beer similar to having sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water. (A Canadian just told me this joke)
What is brown and sticky? A brown stick.
What do you call a person who sleeps next to dead bodies at night? Morgue Attendant
Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed? His wife didn't know any decent crackers.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend teeth.
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe? Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three a policeman the owner of the watch and me!!
The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire  series.
[Warning a bit racist joke] What do you say to a black guy in a suit ? Will the defendant please rise !
What the difference between What's the difference between a chick pea and lentil? I've never paid to have a lentil on me!
A guy walks into a bar He has a frog on his shoulder, the bartender says Hey where'd ya get that? The frog says it started out as a wart on my ass.
Sometimes I'll water my plants with boiling water because why should they have it so good?
Donkey kong, king kong, and a smart blonde fight on top of the empire state building. Who wins? None of them, they don't exist!
What is a rift valley? Valleys that have fallen out after an argument.
Hillary and Trump in a plane, plane crashes. Who survives? America
Is there some kind of platonic version of Tinder? Asking for a friend.
Why did the hippie drown? Because he was too far out, man.
(NSFW)Dating is not easy for gay men... everyone is either an asshole or a dick.
It's way too early in the day for you to be yelling at me, repeating your demands, and making me follow you around, girl. It's over, Dora.
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 14 years... I'm going to hell.
What is the difference between an old bus depot and a lobster with boobs? One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
Irony It's ironic how upset people get over people incorrectly using the word 'ironic'.
How do you make a pheromone? Tell him, "Let my people go."
Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It's snowing again! Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*
What is reddit's favorite song? "Karma Police" by Radiohead.
Ladies, if a guy tells you "Leggings aren't pants," tell him "You're welcome."
Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics Even if you win, you're still retarded.
What do you get when you have rough sex in an ice cream parlour? A sore bae.
TIL "saltpeter" is a casual term for potassium nitrate. The more you KNO...
What's an epileptic's least favorite pizza place? Little Seizures.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a "romcom" so I'm going to assume she means "Roman Combat" and put on Gladiator.
What does the sign on an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
Asking a girl to the barbecue. Me: "You going to the barbecue?" Her: "What barbecue?" Me: "The one where I stick my meat on your grill."
If I say "last Star Wars" and u say "Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It's a prequel!" I'm going to hit u with a fish tank.
"I didn't see you in church last Sunday Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead."  "That's not true vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"
Dyslexia A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ??
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would've named it Carl.
How many heroin addicts does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to hold the lightbulb and three to smoke until the room starts spinning!
Holocaust jokes ARE NOT funny Anne Frankly, they make me disgusted.
What did one pimple say to the other? If you're busted, run.
[trapped on a patch of ice that's melting in the Arctic ocean] [rubs Genie bottle] "can you hook me up with some wifi?"
A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new. "An old flame? I asked. He winked and said "More like an unlit match."
My friend is a midget... I hold it over her head literally all the time.
Throughout the history of espionage, the phrase "We have ways of making you talk." Has yet to be used on a woman.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow
"Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?" - Karen
How Do You Call 5 Black People Having Sex? Threesome.
When Homer Simpson plays Dungeons &amp; Dragons... He uses a D'oh!-decahedron.
Don't you hate double standards? If a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she is called a slut, but when a guy does it he is called a homosexual.
I saw a sale ad for Extenze male enhancement pills... it was half off!
Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the building on the other side
Two satellite antennas decided to get married The wedding was ok. But the reception was amazing!
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNNNG! What's brown and sounds like a Southern Belle? Blanche Devereaux with a tan.
A man and his fat girlfriend are arguing Man: You know what? You can start singing now because it's over!
A Cadillac carrying five Mexicans drives off of a cliff and everybody dies. Why is it a tragedy? Because a Cadillac sits six.
What did the cheese go as for Halloween A muenster
My friend seemed pretty offended when I implied that he might have stolen one if my Harry Potter trading cards. I think he took "Umbridge".
Why can't Helen Keller use an iPhone? Because she's dead.
The racist chainsaw when you turn it on it will roar out "RUNNN-niggernigger!"
What do you call a muscular Arab A protein sheikh
Ran into my ex gf today... I put it in reverse and hit her again
How do you find will smith in a snow storm? Follow the fresh prints
"Whoever smeal it, dealt it"... "...so technically officer, this is YOUR marijuana"
I used to have some jokes concerning noble gasses... but they're argon.
My angry wife said: "I hope you spend an eternity in hell !".... I said, "Why wait? I'll take you clothes shopping right now".
What do you call a women with two brain cells? Pregnant with twins
Did you hear about the plane crash in Poland? It was a Cessna 2 seater, crashed into a graveyard, the body count is up to 453 and they are still finding more.
I think I just caught the Zika virus... I met a Brazilian girl and she gave me a little head.
I'm a humanitarian. I prefer my human cooked with scallions and a little Worcestershire sauce.
What do American beer and a canoe have in common? Both are fucking close to water.
What did the celebrity say to the tabloid? "You discussed me!"
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire] me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on... Superman? her: I did
A male frog calls a medium line and he is told he'll meet a beautiful lady frog. "Will it happen at a ball?" he asks. "no , in a biology class"
I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers. When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."
Why 4D was invented ? Because yo mammas ass so fat it couldn't fit in 3D.
If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.
Two tips for faster jogging- (1) hot girl in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you. Also, if you're behind a (1) you're probably her (2).
I started studying art history. I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.
Saw a guy missing his left arm and leg, and asked how he was doing. "Eh, I'm alright."
Dirtiest joke I ve ever heard (sorry if it s a repost) How can you tell when your sister s having her period? Your dad s cock starts to taste of blood.
What are the loud, metal things that the Japanese hit? American ships.
I put the FU in FUN 
I like my women like I like my cars Black, loud, heavy, and full of gas.
What do accidental pregnancies and locked cars both have in common? Both can be fixed with a coathanger.
My girlfriend and I had a threeso last night... It's like a threesome but it didn't include me.
If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
Q: How do you make a peanut laugh? A: You crack it up.
What's the difference between a girls mouth and her vagina? There is none. I want my penis to be in both those things.
Wanna hear a joke about the OP that actually delivered?
What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening? A pillow
What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubic area? Cuntstubble!
Yo mamma is so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows. *Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*
Bailiff: State your name for the court Hr: Clara Sofia Alba Constanza Guadalupe... Judge: That's enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
What's the difference between a chickpea and a potato? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.
Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."
I tried to do an intense workout that involved 500 sit ups per day But my body couldn't take the ab use
How does Lady Gaga like her meat? Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah
Who needs Black Friday... when you have Mike Brown Monday?
Math and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
Wanna hear a joke? My fucking grades after my midterms.
Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Nah, it's too long.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I'm seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Gambling is like a dwarf at a barbecue... ...The stakes are always just too high
What did the Zionist rabbi say when he heard about the plight of the Palestinian people? Never mind their wailing. We'll just build more walls!
What's a pirate's least favorite letter? The one he gets from his internet provider for copyright infringement.
Knock knock. Whose their? The grammar police.
What's the easiest way to tell if somebody's lying? He/she's not sitting or standing!
I dont like circles They're *pointless*
Person asked me If I wanted to have a threesome I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
What kind of photograph does Arnold Schwarzenegger take? Polaroids.
I just deleted all the German names from my phone Now it's Hans free.
Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves... Apparently they are a choking hazard.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Nobody's ever paid money to have a lentil on their face.
HR: Let's talk about why you were late today. Me: I told you! HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!" Me: Duh. That's why I was late.
In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs.
What does a brick and your mom have in common? They are both flat-chested and laid by Mexicans. Source: My old middle school.
Crucifixion of Jesus was not an easy task... ... however Romans nailed it.
So, I was giving my nephew a bath the the other day...... and he pointed to my penis and asked "Why is your penis bigger than mine?" I looked at him and said "That's because mine is erect!"
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. Men can be Feminists, too.
How many Persona fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. 1 to screw it in, and 1 to complain that it's not dark enough.
A man asks his wife what she wants for Valentine's Day. "I want you to get something that will make me look sexy," she says. So he goes shopping and returns home with a case of beer.
Why couldn't the auction house find any buyers for the Celtic artifact? It was completely runed.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops. You'd think they would have went before the race.
My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers Girls Gone Wilde.
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."
What do you call a fat gay guy? Flab-ulos!
Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was "Very Strong."
I'm a tire in real life It's a wheel hassle.
Difference between a three ring circus and a strip club? One is a cunning array of stunts!
What's the difference between a washing machine and a festie chick... A washing machine wont follow you around all summer after you popped a load in it.
Why does everybody hate the grammar nazi He's just trying to make it Reich
A cloud came over the emperor's face. He vehemently gave a thumbs down. The crowd roared as the next Pandora song began to play.
I had diarrhea till 5am It was shitty
I realize that I'm obviously not learning from my mistakes....I still get up every morning and go to work.
Why did the pilot crash the plane? Because he was a slice of bread
It be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today. Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.
The best thing about abortion is.. The best thing about abortion is that it brings out the kid in you.
Did you hear about the useful kid who jerks off too much? He cums in handy
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween? "You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose..
What did the comedian do when his joke did not go home with the audience? He became a boxer and delivered a strong punchline.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden] "Now grow to be a restaurant"
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Why was it so easy to find the buried communist treasure after the Cold War? Because X Marx the spot.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say? "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Chuck Norris was born in the log cabin he built himself.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
What's the difference between Pizza and your opinion? I asked for Pizza #KingOfjokes
I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode... I asked, Are you two an item?
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? They don't change it, they just take forever to find where to fit the batteries
What has been confirmed when Ariana Grande spat on the donuts? She's a spitter, not a swallower.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note "Don't eat me".Now there's an empty plate and a note "Don't tell me what to do"
Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.
What did the bartender say to the gold when the gold walked into a bar? "AU, get outta here!"
If con is the opposite of pro it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?
What did one businessmen voyeur say to the other? I'll have my peephole call your peephole.
Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?" Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
Because one Duran just wasn't enough.
I think I'm finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Why do Jewish men watch porn backwards? So they can see the hooker hand the money back.
I have a bumper sticker in Braille If you can read this, you're driving too close.
What do you call an animal rights' activist that never grows old? PETA Pan
Does anyone remember that show where Ron Howard was a kid with a paper route? Probably not. Opie delivered.
A male honeybee's only job is to stay in the hive and impregnate the queen... American response: "Those lucky bastards!" British response: "Those poor bastards..."
Have I ever steered you wrong? *flashback to you at zoo in bear suit Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My neighbours really like Halloween They dress up as ghost every weekend and go out for lynch.
5 bucks will get you 1 minue access to the "Peck cam" where you can watch all sorts of wild birds peck me while i force myself not to resist
Airbags are srs business ....anyone?
Apparently you're not supposed to tell "That's what she said jokes" during the Board meeting because it's "inappropriate"
I put the 'extra vag' in extravaganza
"You're fat, you smell bad, your teeth aren't as white as they should be, and your genitals are pathetic." - Advertising
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
ME: What tattoo should I get? TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection. ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.
What do you say to a soldier who doesn't turn up for Camouflage training? Well done.
How does a Mexican build a house? Juan nail at a time.
The greatest pickup line of all time... Let's be friends.
An optimistic donut sees the cop as half full.
Being a Jedi isn't all bad. I've been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting," it's a baby. You're expecting a baby.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Protein shakes are really expensive.... Whey expensive. EDIT: Spelling
So the jerk store called and they're running out of HB2!
What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian? One smells like fish and has a mustache, and the other is a walrus.
Why don't blind people bungee jump? 'Cause it scares the fuck out of the dogs.
Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.
How do al-Qaeda like their toast? Bean-laden
A man goes to the doctors, complaining about a pain in his eye. Man: Every time I drink coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye Doctor: Have you tried removing the spoon first
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a Pakistani outpost? I don't know, I just fly the drone... *(Please don't hate me)*
Drop down towl for 200 $oh yes he probably came to bring my 200 euro's he owed me He borrowed it from me yesterday
Excuse me, are of French Royalty? Because M'damn
Q. Why do blondes smile when it's lightning? A. Because, they think they are having their picture taken.
What do you call a lesbian with big hands? Well hung!
Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? A rooster says kok-a-doodle-doo and a prostitute says any-kok'll-do
I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?
Anyone heard what Beethoven is up to these days? Decomposing!
"Are you girls straight?... ...lesbianest"
There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? meat
How do you know a Black woman is pregnant ? The cotton in her tampon is picked
I really gotta quit drinking. Last night I got so wasted I blew chunks for hours... Chunks is my 4 year old bulldog.
Why is sleeping the second most favorite activity of people's lives? Because it follows their first favorite activity, sex.
[God making trees] God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food." Angel: "I don't--" God: "Also they breathe the opposite."
Guy one: "Bro I missed the first world war..." Guy two: "Don't worry man, they made a sequel" Guy three: "I heard it bombed in Japan"
What is the Blood Alcohol Concentration that makes most people avoid main roads? Backstreets BAC
What do you call a homosexual on fire that jumps into water? A flameboyant homosexual
Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night ? Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough
jokes about depression used to be funny.... now they're just sad.
Q: Why do dogs chase their tails? A: They want to make ends meet.
What's the difference between a freezer and a woman? A freezer doesn't fart when I pull my meat out.
If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you, son. We live in a patriarchal society where they're not considered as important or valid.
Have you heard about the insomniac polymath? She could do ALMOST everything with her eyes closed.
They're finally making a movie about that guy who had a romantic relationship with his clock. It's about fucking time.
Sheryl Crow: This ain't no disco. This ain't no country club either. Sheryl Crow - The world's worst archaeologist.
Whats the Slogan for every I.T. Department in America? "Mmmm. Move Over."
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I'd like to thank my dad for always being there for me From the day I was conceived to the day he found out my mom was pregnant
My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.
Me: Do you want dinner? BF:sure, what are my choices? Me:yes or no.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
*Me getting pulled over* Me:license and registration please? Guy police officer :I pulled u over.. Me:do u really want to argue with me?
What did the Gorilla do when he saw the sign 'Clean Washroom'? He cleaned it!
Who's your favorite running back? Haha http://www.mayfieldsportsmarketing.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Ha-Ha-Clinton-Dix.jpg
Why doesn't Superman watch Game of thrones? Because he has a LED-TV.
How to spot a blind guy in a nudist colony? It ain't hard.
How do you confuse an ugly person With an orange.
HR: Did you call Brenda fat? Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly. HR... Me: Big difference.
I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but he fell asleep.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
What do you call a Dadaist fabric? Man Rayon
What's the difference between driving in fog and eating pussy? When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you
Overheard a girl just say she's full because she ate at 3:00. It's 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The best thing about the south is... They still hang their knickers in the front lawn.
Hitler was the original Social Justice Warrior Adolf Hitler is the story of a failed liberal art student who blamed it on ethnicities he deemed privileged.
So I tried to enter "penis" as my new e-mail password... But my computer said it was too short.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. I was confused. I never met herbivore.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Truth or dare I: M: I:.. Dare M: I dare you to give me this job I:(under breath) Damn she's good
My girlfriend has the body of a Greek Godess; Imaginary
My Load Is So Big Jokes http://myloadissobig.blogspot.com/
My hooker friend finally got a toilet installed at her brothel. Now she can poop where she pleases.
Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don't get into relationships.
'I'm not going to school today' Alexander said to his mother. 'The teachers bully me and the boys in my class don't like me.' 'Why ?' 'Firstly you're 35 years old. Secondly you're the principal.'
B2.... or not B2... That might be the number. --Shakespearean Bingo Caller
The whole world loves the dairy-farmer Saudi Prince. He's brown-skinned, sweet, great with kids but drinks Old English 800 all day... ... but hey, everyone loves a chocolate malted milk sheik!
There's an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy. And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.
There was a man so poor and broke... That when someone stole his wallet, the robber went bankrupt.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Difference between me and hitler At least Hitler knew when to kill himself
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write? Me: Wanna buy my book? Them: No. Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.
What is ET short for? So he can fit in the spaceship.
Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because the 7 didn't fucking bend.
How can you tell you are in a math teacher's garden? All the trees have square roots.
I'm not crazy, everyone else in the world is just boring.
'No Panties Tuesday' is a thing, right? Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.
A man told little Johnny "I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van?" Little Johnny replied "I'll cum on your face for the entire bag!"
What's the difference between a thug and a pirate's dad? One's poppin' caps, and the other's cap'n pops!
I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had. Sometimes I wish she'd stayed in Latvia.
I asked to switch seats because there was a god damn SCREAMING infant next to me, and I couldn't sleep. They told me no. Apparently you're not allowed to move away from your own child.
What do ducks smoke Quack
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Show me a person who doesn't walk on the escalator and I'll show you a person who will transition poorly into the zombie apocalypse.
Back in my day we didn't call meeting strangers from the Internet in random places for a weekend "tweet ups" we called it "shit you dont do"
I was talking to a girl last night ... She was quite fat, but she had huuuuge tits. "My eyes are up here", I had to say, because she kept staring at the hamburger in my hand.
What do you call a Mexican with a small penis? Juan-inch wonder.
Hydrogen walks into a bar and yells "Oh no! I've lost my electron!" The bartender says, "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
So, I found my first gray pubic hair the other day. I was way more excited about it than the other people on the elevator.
When someone tells me about a book they've read, I pretentiously say, "Oh, I don't even own a book."
Poor Richard Simmons. He got tangled in his work-out mat, and now he's a fruit roll-up.
I don't know what Hitler's favourite drink was. But he sure as hell didn't like juice.
One of my students told me he was drinking formic acid to settle his indigestion. After all, I suppose it is an *ant* acid.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy. ( _) ( _)>- (_) Just take a day off
A Jewish father and son are in their living room The son approaches his dad and asks "Dad can I borrow $20?" The Dad replies: "Ten dollars? Son, why do you need five dollars?"
I was disappointed to learn Flickr is not a site about female masturbation.
What did the blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic boy get for Christmas? Cancer.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
If a tree falls down and only a woman hears it, what the fuck was a tree doing in my kitchen?
My math teacher kept giving easy parabolas and circles until the test day when he gave a large, difficult hyperbola. The long con.
I like Australian kisses. They're just like French kisses but down under.
Everyone should invest in silent comedy. After all, mime *is* money.
I renew my ages-old wish that there was a CD of nothing but SNL closing-credits music that you could play to get people to leave your house.
If you woke up in the woods with your pants around your ankles and vaselene all over your ass, would you tell anyone? Wanna go camping this weekend?
Why did people make white chocolate? So black kids could get dirty faces too.
It's amazing how quickly reheated food in the microwave goes cold again when you think you're only going to be on the computer for a moment.
Confidence A driverless car company announced that they will not sell their product to people who have less than five years' driving experience.
Why do Scuba divers fall backwards off the boat, and into the water? Because if they fell forward, they'd fall into the boat.
Which punchline do you like better? What do you call a nun that sleep-walks? a) A Roamin' Catholic b) An unconscious habit
What did the banana say to the vibrator? "What are you shaking for? She's gonna eat me!"
How do you blind an Asian? With dental floss.
"Can't argue with that!" he said, pointing to an inanimate object.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now.
Just crushed my son in an epic game of Monopoly. His tears flooded Baltic Avenue.
How did the hipster burn his tounge? He bit into his flat bread before it was cool!
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere.
What has no eyes and four legs? No idea.
What is Andreev-Reflection? When electrons are reflected assholes by a superconductor.
What is the difference between a man and a dog? A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.
I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
What's with all of these racist jokes on reddit? They're starting to get quite dark
My Math teacher asked me if I have learnt about angles yeah, to a degree
Me: your dress is too revealing Wife: wear your own clothes then
Why are gays never really supressed? Cuz they always stick it to the man!
"I'm not sure I can do a Hadoken anymore," said Ryu. "SUREYOUCAN!" replied his master.
If gravity were a person... He'd be pretty down to earth.
My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas..... We're going to church.
What do you call a quadriplegic time traveler? Marty Mcsit
How do you get three gay men off your couch Jerk one off, the other two will come
Just another Saturday night at home alternating between sweet and salty snacks until I disgust myself enough to go to bed.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone but doesn't!
Experts are close to classifying internet addiction as a mental illness. They just need to check one more thing. And Facebook. And Twitter.
What's your favourite onomatopoeic word? Mine's "silence".
What did they say to the doctor that wanted to sew his own stitches? "Suture self!"
What does Jared from Subway have in common with McDonald's? They put their meat in 10 year old buns.
So Donald Trump is now the President of the United States I certainly DNC that coming
I might have Alzheimer's... But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children... ...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out retarded.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I went to the shop to buy eight legs of venison... But it was two deer.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He comes once a year! :-)
Why did the redneck cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Sell a man a fish... Sell a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, miss our on a wonderful business opportunity.
How do you get people to pirate an album? Release it on TIDAL
How do you keep a clown from laughing? Hit him in the face with an axe.
What will Stevie Wonder's next album be called? Songs In the Key Of Death
If you had ten minutes to list off all the best Mumford & Sons songs, what would you do with the extra 9 minutes and 55 seconds?
Exit signs are all the rage these days But I think they're on the way out
"That's nice dear." -Grandmas version of "cool story bro."
A Reddit Mod walks into a Jihad training camp... [removed]
I'm addicted to brake fluid... ...but I can stop whenever I want.
What kind of trucks do pigs drive?..... A pig up truck
Clint Eastwood says we're the "pussy generation." Potty mouth.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Public speaking is a lot like being on a topless beach. It's only hard for the first few minutes.
Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
LHC (Large Hadron Collider) When LHC discovered Higgs Boson, it literally became deus ex machina.
Why cant stormtroopers be fathers? Because they shoot blank and always miss Edit: Can't*
Whats up Cake? Muffin
Maternity. Sounds like you're going to be pregnant forever.
How can you spell too much with two letters? XS (excess).
[notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
Did you know they now sell 30 tog blankets? Duvet?
How many French words has the Turkish language recently adopted? Beaucoup.
Jack and the beanstalk Does everybody know the guy in Jack and The Beanstalk who trades the magic beans for Jacks cow? Cause I guess you could call him a Stalk Broker
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Gay best friend How do you know if your best friend is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
I was once called a racist for saying black paint. Apparently the correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
Girls and guys Q. Why does a girls rub her eyes in the morning? A. Because they don't have balls to itch.
I bought a friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thanks!" and I said, "Don't mention it"
Change cant be given to you every time, you must bring the change - great lines said by Mr.Jamil, bus conductor now read again
I T H I N K W E S H O U L D R U I N P E O P L E S T I M E L I N E B Y T W E E T I N G L I K E T H I S A L L D A Y . . . . .
Why was the snowman smiling? He saw the snowblower coming.
If there isn't a fireworks company whose slogan is "our business is booming," that seems like a real missed opportunity.
LPT: Take your garbage can to the supermarket with you so you can see which items you've recently ran out of.
Baby, are you today's date? Because you're 11/10.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman all walk into a bar the barman looks up at them, shakes his head and says "is this some kind of a joke?"
What do you call a popular joke on reddit? repost
My future is so bright I need to stay in my room browsing reddit until nightfall.
How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
threesome Joke Q: A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?" A: A student repsonds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."
Why did Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson have to change his diet? Because his nutritionist said he had too many minerals in his system!
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
In the summer desert heat what did a dust devil say to the over-talkative dust devil?  -You are really blowing a lot of hot air
What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating? Your Ears.
Girl vs Boy jokes Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Somewhere, a ninja watches "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. "Damn right you didn't."
China has developed a liquid metal that can transform into any shape. While the U.S. has created a breakfast sandwich with Hash Browns now at Taco Bell.
This v-neck is literally the most awkward pair of shorts I've ever worn.
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: "I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!"
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor.
Freedom Knock Knock Joke "Knock knock" "who's there" "freedom" "freedom who?" "Just kidding, freedom doesn't knock freedom rings"
So I sat down on the toilet... ...and my cat ran out from behind it. It scared the shit out of me.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age. So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl. Tik Tok.
What happened to the man who went to court for making deafening noises? He lost his hearing.
My friend and I were playing 'biggest number', and for my number I simply multiplied his number by itself. I won fair and square.
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? A 40-foot cock trying to reach out and touch someone.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
A Jamaican is asked, use Dandelion in a sentence ... He then says ... "The cheetah is faster dandelion"
Why did Europe start the first World War? They did't like being sans-Ferdinand.
Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope? Pluto.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. - Pets
Why shouldn't you take rimjob jokes seriously? Because they're all tongue in cheek.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture only needs one nail to hang. (P.S I am Christian )
Why does the USA use F? The rest of the world has varying degrees of communism.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."
(Q)..... What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? (A)..... The rooster clucks defiance.
I would like to go to Holland Wooden shoe
What did the scientist say when a stranger came inside his lab? What the fuck dude get the hell away from my dog!
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.
What do you call a white duck? A Quacker. Just made that up and I will openly admit to being proud of myself.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Mother: Did you make your bed today? Daughter: Yes Mom but I think it would be easier to buy one.
Women are like pasta They are straight until you get them wet. - Ellen Degeneres
What grows on Seasame Street? I dunno, a Grover something.
is this your first day on the internet? men are men, women are men, and children are cops...
Men at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older your ball gets smaller
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? "who is it?"
[revenge plan] *invent miniaturisation machine. *shrink to tiny size. *crawl all over sleeping spider's face.
My New Year's Resolution was to stop making innuendo jokes about my sexual stamina. Day two and so far so good. I just hope I can keep it up.
They say you can get to a man's heart through his stomach... Unless he's a vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dre
How did the turtle call his friends? ...on his shellphone
Things that are loud: Jet engines Dynamite Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral Rock concerts
"You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." "But after that I'm not responsible for any more room charges, correct?"
What did the Rei say to the Hachi? Nice obi!
What do you call it when the only cow on your dairy farm won't produce milk? Utter despair.
I'd like to thank my neighbors Who have always been by my side
I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
The host of a party said, "Make yourself at home," so I got comfortable. Turns out English was his second language and he was ordering me to leave :(
My dick is like a polygraph... It's only reliable fifty percent of the time
I once met a dyslexic who suffered from vertigo. Her name was Dizzy Spells.
"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major" "There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"
I recently went to a gathering for turtles... ..bit dull. None of us came out of our shell.
I hurt myself holidaying in Spain this year. It was a Sevilla injury.
I asked the waitress if she wanted a good tip and a quickie. She said: Just the tip.
Friends are like a trampoline Because I always wanted one. edit: grammar
"Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance." -Alcohol
Girl, do you watch football? Cuz I'll finger blast you harder than Jason Pierre Paul
Call it a hunch... But I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say "Welcome to the future, traveler. You're going to love it here!"
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
What do you...... What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
Hurricane Malt Liquor: Because the power shouldn't be the only thing experiencing a blackout this weekend.
Has anyone had a glass of F5 lately? It's so refreshing.
Modern day camping is an uncharged phone.
Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman? It takes too long to hollow out her head. (I got this one from my uncle)
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I've lost weight... So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My dick is like news... ...because it passes from mouth to mouth.
When you don't finish your sentence
Giraffes born in American Zoos are Giraffrican Americans
What did one tampon say to the other?... Nothing, They're all stuck up cunts!
My girlfriend said I should be louder in the bedroom. But apparently she didn't give me permission to snore.
What's a Jew's favorite classic rock song? Money - Pink Floyd
I was chatting with a deaf person on omegle. He asked me "ASL?".
Terminator doesn't google himself he uses Altavista baby.
Did you hear the joke about a feminist? That isn't funny.
Ms Piggy... http://imgur.com/BtVKY
My little brother just threw a milk carton at me.. How dairy.
how do you cease chritianiny from existing stop having children
me: [seductively ignores and stays away from you to let you know i'm into you]
Facebook made billions by saying "Hey, remember that kid you haven't seen since the third grade? He's a parent who hates Obama now."
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn't even have rides.
I just saved a girl from rape. I stopped chasing her.
A black man with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. "That's so cool" says the bartender, "where did you get it?" "Africa" replies the parrot.
Why did Batman go to the corner store? FOR JUST ICE
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Customer asked where I lived so I thought the most accurate response was "the internet."
I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.
How can you help a starving cannibal?  Give him a helping hand.
A reality show for little engines called "So, You Think You Can?"
Who was the fattest Pharaoh of ancient Egypt? Hippo-Ptolemy
what did the Eskimo girl say after she lost her virginity.... iditarod
Overweight is something that just sort of  snacks up on you.
I used to do the hokey pokey everyday... ... But then I turned myself around.
You know what they should call "Tinder" in Manhattan? The New York Cock Exchange
What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of prison? A small medium at large!
TacoBell - America's preferred over-the-counter laxative
Since I'm home alone tonight, I'm carrying around the biggest kitchen knife I could find. You know, to stab any murderers who come for me.
I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas
To save a tree... Eat a beaver.
what kinda bees make milk. boobies....
95% of the men's fashion budget on 'American Idol' goes to leather cuff bracelets and wallet chains.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus. . . The engagement ring, The wedding ring And the suffeRING.
Next on *Will it Blend?* Marijuana! ***Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*** *opens lid* "Ahh, you can *definitely* breathe this."
One time I intentionally asked a thin woman "when she was due" because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I'm into extreme sports.
Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of  mine.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, "Clap on Clap off"?
The other day I heard that photons have mass Who would have thought that they we catholic?
Those boots are made for walking? Wow, so are most boots. Give me a call when they're made for castrating antelope or something.
I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.
Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical? If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.
So I sadly discovered that username Iloveyouforever has been taken
He-Man wasn't gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have? cancer.
A Limerick There once was a man from Port Crown Who went to a doctor in town. The doc gave to he A sup-po-si-to-ry. "I will not take this sitting down!"
what do you call a French OP a baguette
What do you give to someone who has everything? Antibiotics!
What's the difference between herpes and friends? I don't have any friends.
What's worse than a bee sting? Two bee stings What's worse than two bee stings? The Holocaust What's worse than the Holocaust? Three bee stings
How does moses make his coffee Hebrews it
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sauteed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it's been there for years & set it free.
Mom, why is the internet so slow Well, either your brother loads something down or your sister loads something up.
I have invented a machine *that reads the subtext in different voice*
A guy started Social Network rehab centre; It has no computers, no wifi, no mobiles, no tablets &amp; no customers
My favorite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What did the one female tampon say to the other female tampon? Nothing. They're both stuck-up cunts.
Autocorrect is like my girlfriend. It always changes what I said to something I didn't mean.
How Many Jews Does It Take To Open A Door? Obviously more than 6 million...
How do you get a woman to stop texting you? Reply to her message within a minute
My friend asked me if I ever missed the idea of being in the womb. I said "The only thing I'd miss was my umbilical cord....." I was very attached to it.
What's the point of going to somebodys funeral? It's not like they are coming to yours.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school [from the back] "what about the other 65% of us?"
I spent last night shouting at my psychiatrist Long story short he's convinced I have delusions of being a pony... I'd tell you more, but I'm a little hoarse.
Why did the bartender put on a sweater? She thought it was a little drafty.
My mom asked for my Netflix password... she better not be trying to chill
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Did it hurt? When I subtly insulted you to lower your self esteem in order to make you subconsciously seek my approval because I am a socio
I told my comrades that the commissar is an idiot. I got 31 years gulag... 1 year for insulting a political officer, 30 years for revealing a state secret
boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can't show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago
So I have this friend who's addicted to drinking brake fluid... but he tells me not to worry, he can stop anytime he wants.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says "Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time."
What do you say to a woman with only one tooth? Nice tooth.
Instead of buying a new pair of sunglasses I think I'll just randomly leave $100 somewhere.
Son: "Dad, did you get shot in the army?" Dad: "No, I only got shot in the leggy."
My roommate wouldn't let me name our wireless network 'Bill Wi the Science Fi' because he has no sense of humor.
Why does Sirius Black get all the girls? Because he's a real dawg.
Shout out to all the Aussies over here! Want to hear a joke? :) Tony Abbott
The worst part about spring... Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.
Don't eat the cookies so fast they'll keep.  I know but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite  !
Now I know why girls call me handsome If a threesome is with three, and a twosome is with two, now I know why they call me handsome :)
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
What do you call a chef who's stingy with herbs? PARSLEYMONIOUS
Question: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?
What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat? Shipped beef!
A hamburger and french fries walk into a bar... The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
What is Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Craft.
Three tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first? None of them. They were all stuck up cunts.
I once dated a girl with a sledgehammer fetish She was pretty *eh* looking, but the sex was smashing!
A very old joke: why is the letter r so important? Because without it, our friends would be fiends.
Saw a link to this guy speaking Xhosa ..but I assumed it was just clickbait.
They say in life expect the unexpected'. So I did, and f*ck all happened. I wasn't expecting that.
It is divided in 2 parts - left &amp; right. Unlike others your brain is a master piece, It is divided in 2 parts  Left &amp; Right. In left nothing is Right &amp; in right nothing is Left!
I've been running around screaming at random people that I've lost my virginity. I'm starting to regret naming my dog that.
Why do little dogs shake so much? They have Barkinson's
Why don't people from Yorkshire use deodorant? Because they have no pits.
[OC] Why did the mayonnaise win the running race? Because the tomato sauce couldn't Ketchup.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Hey, wanna go ride bikes?
Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you're fooling?
more celebrities should donate blood like could you imagine having the blood of Beyonce running through your veins
My coworker said he enjoyed his recent trip to Port-au-Prince. I guess you could say he has a love/Haiti relationship.
How does an SJW screw in a light-bulb? Zir holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around zirself.
Dear Sepp Blatter... There's only one Robert Mugabe... Yours Truly... Life
Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7. At least it went out with a bang.
I walked in on my Arab roommate He was having sex with his girlfriend from behind, while shaving with his left hand and all while having an argument. I said "good thing you're not wearing ihram!"
How does the alchemist please his wife? Elixir!!!!!
Shame about Amanda Todd, killed by dyslexia. The label on the bleach said "seek attention if ingested", not "seek attention and ingest".
Today, I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize myself... Then, I realized it was a window.
My aunt passed away recently... She died of adult onset sudden infant death syndrome.
Why didn't the polite coder get hired? The job required SASS
My wife just found out I replaced the bed with a trampoline She hit the fucking roof
People who leave careers to "spend more time with the family" must have really shitty careers or a MUCH better family than mine.
they joke about mine being... ...a whole nuther leg!
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class. Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*wife looks through my phone *divorces me 8 times
You know what the problem is with dating a white girl with a mixed baby? The kid never spends the weekend at their dad's house. **I'll just see myself out**
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Why'd the chicken cross the court? Because he heard the ref was blowin' fowels..
A cow with no voice is thrown into a black hole An immoovable object meets an unstoppable force.
I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women It's real thick to hide the bruises
What did the egg say to the boiling water? I may take a while to get hard, I just got laid.
69% of people... find something dirty in every fucking sentence.
Where is Waldo? How do you find a blind man at an orgy? It's not hard.
*hears a sound* haha lol wat if its a ghost *5 hours later* wwhat if it was a ghost
A guy walks into an electronic pub He has to buy a new ebook reader now
*draws sword* *erases sword because it sucks*
have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.
You know how I know it's lunch time? Reddit is slow as fuck
Guys, how can you tell the girl your having sex with is faking an orgasm? Who cares.
I fucked myself last night. I wanted to get first-hand experience.
What do you call a slutty UPS driver? A mail escort
My drivers license says I'm an organ donor, but jokes on them because I own a piano.
Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.
Where does an elephant carry its laptop? In its trunk.
[turning off Shrek 2] well, i'd say that movie was shrekcellent! "trent, 1 more shrek pun and i'm divorcing you." oh karen, don't ogre-react
What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm.
I went to the zoo.. I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog. It was a shitzu.
Did you hear about the fugitive midget psychic? He's a small medium at large.
If you call & I don't answer, I'm not dead, I'm napping. - Things I have to say to my mom
Men of quality respect women's equality.
The silent "p" and "s" in "Corps" are why I have hardcorps trust issues.
I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart.
Did you hear about corduroy pillows??? They're making headlines!
I used to be a taxi driver. Do you know why I gave it up? I didn't like people talking behind my back!
I like my coffee how I like my life Once thrilling, but now a mundane daily ritual that has me questioning what I ever found enjoyable about it to begin with.
Just Cuz It Zips Dont Mean it Fits
You know what's the problem with Mexican and black jokes? If you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamaal.
Why do white girl groups only walk together in odd numbers? Because they can't even
Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!
i look like i'm trying to get water out of my ears when i dance
What other US state can fit Kansas inside of it? Arkansas
A bee jerks off all over some Cheerios. Its Honey Nut.
KNOCK KNOCK Who's there, Howard, Howard who? Howard you wanna suck these nuts. Also works with: Wendy you wanna suck these nuts Jorge come suck these nuts
Q: Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months? A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.
You ever heard about the transsexual light bulb? It just needed a switch
Why is Santa always jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I recently told my girlfriend about removing the cookies and site data because it slows down the browser speed... Now she understands why I delete the browsing history everyday.
What did the idiot do after seeing a joke that wasn't very funny? Downvote it.
scared the postman i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked. im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived
I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won't last long and we all know it
Canada's Gas prices... They fell as fast as Greece's GDP.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song "Informer" are "Hey farrrrmer...something....a leaky boom boom cow". Not 100% sure though.
Wife: "If I die first, I want you to remarry." Me: "Wow. Do you really hate me that much?"
We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.
How do you impregnate a nun? You fuck her.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Because he heard the ref was blowing fowls.
What's an "oying"? This joke
What did one bird say to another bird on New Year's? WOW THAT YEAR FLEW BY *slaps knee, then crawls back under rock*
What's the difference between Anders Breivik and a pro golfer? Both were happy to shoot 69, but only Breivik went to jail.
My son doesn't like spicy food. To prevent him from eating his boogers, I pour drops of Tobasco in his nostrils while he sleeps. #winning
Two Sausages are Frying in a Pan... ...And one of them says to the other, 'Fuck me, it's hot in here!', to which the other replies 'FUCK ME, *A TALKIN' SAUSAGE!!!*'
If life was fair, Ryan Gosling would have been born with Ray Romano's voice.
Her: We have rats! Me: We do? Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies! Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I'll buy traps.
Why did Martin Luther King have so many pink shirts? He was against separating the whites from the coloreds.
It seems r/jokes has developed a fetish for one-liners... Despite all the shortcomings.
You know as long as you keep babies well fed they're usually pretty good... But I like mine with a little BBQ sauce.
Today I found out what it was like to play a FPS First person shoveler. gg blizzard.
My friend asked me if i wanted to go to Yoga class with her. I replied.... "NahImmastay"
How do you cook toilet paper? You brown it on one side, then throw it in the pot!
How to go indigenous.... http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b1jklUhG1y8
What do the Japanese call a large apartment? An itssoroomy.
What do you call a running gag on crutches? A lame joke.
Sometimes my dog looks super fucking delicious. #AsianPeopleProblems
I went to a porn star's funeral yesterday... ...I woke up with mourning wood
I've always wondered what I'm saying when I meow back at my cats.
School day Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well Father: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!
What did Saddam Hussein have in common with Little Miss Muffet? He also had Kurds in his way.
What do you call a Salmon that sets a good example? A roe model.
What is a terrorists favourite food? Anything Allah-cart. I found it funny. I was exploding with laughter.
Did you hear about the black boy with with diarrhea? Everyone thought he was melting.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like "don't be sad," "they're not worth it," "you deserve better" and see if people don't flock right in
Why didn't Mayweather become an NFL QB? Because he couldn't READ the defense!
I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!
How many first-time theater directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, what do you guys think?
Think of a movie title and change one of the words in said movie title to 'slut' e.g. Lord of the rings the return of the slut.
Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive!
Question Does having salt and pepper peubs make my dick look more distinguished?
I love when I have dramatic realizations over my morning cereal... ... I call 'em "breakfast epiphanies"
Hey people with one syllable names...... Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks
My friend's Mom and Dad are really fat... He told me it runs in the family. Nice try, but no one runs in your family
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Your mama so poor....... She went on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire just to make a phone call.
Your stick-figure family of 6 really isn't necessary. No one sees your minivan and mistakes you for wild and single.
He: That's a handsome dog. What's his name? She: Roger He: Does he bite? She: No He: How does he eat then?
What idiot called it "Fox News" and not "white whine"?
There's no such thing as automatic doors... ... Only polite ninjas.
What do schizophrenic people think when they say an insensitive joke? That sounded a lot better in my head
My Christian friend asked 4 proof there is no God.nnI pointed out Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire movie starnnNow my friend's an atheist
My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
What do you get when you cross a highway with an armadillo? About halfway across.
You can't spell "secret government conspiracies" without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they're hiding from us
What will be written on the gates of Donald Trump's wall between Mexico and the US? Arbeit macht Frei.
i wonder wat time is *looks at wrist only to realize i am not wearig a watch* ah yes, i had forgoten that time is but a invisible everything
I know the basics of sex... You could say I know the ins and outs.
Shopping for antiques won't make you gay... ...but it will make you buy curios.
Not a very good poem. I dig. He digs. She digs. We dig. They dig. Everyone digs. I know it's not a very good poem, but it's very deep.
I'm sick of all these holocaust jokes. My Grandfather died in a concentration camp. Dumb bastard fell off the guard tower.
On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat. In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabit council must choose another sacrifice.
Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist? Worker: You mean screws? Me: I don't know, I'm not a nail scientist. Worker....
What do you call an electronic bowl? Ebowla
Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? One. Unless it's a black bulb then he calls for backup.
Did you see saw? I saw Saw. You see Saw II? I saw Saw II too. Going to see Saw IV? I didn't see Saw III, what am I going to see Saw IV for?
I just bought a Bonnie Tyler sat-nav. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi? there, their, they're.
What did the DNA say to the RNA? What are U doing here?
My laziness is exactly as the number 8. If it lays down, it becomes infinite.
Doctor Doctor I need something to  keep my falling hair in What about a matchbox !
Did you hear about the gay Irish Dentists? Ben Dover and Phil Mcavity!
Friend: You're going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay? Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese Ding Dong
How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+esh
What does a red neck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common? Someone's losing a trailer. Edit: Because I fucked up.
What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in life before death?"
Sarah, i understand that you are a feminist... ...but you can't end your prayer with "awomen" instead of "amen" credits to an anonymous facebook post of which i was too lazy to read the name
What do you call a part gopher, part duck, and part you? A Gophuckyourself.
I'll show you where easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised!
If sex is a pain in the ass then you are doing it wrong
Invisibility You just don't see it these days
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I love you so much that I would wait for your photo to load on my slow Internet connection.
Like a midget at a urinal.... I'm going to have to stay on my toes. Credit: Naked Gun
I've been using Vim for 5 years... Mainly because I don't know how to exit it
What do you call flying jews Smoke
I saw a blind person skydiving today Man, what a jerk. Scaring his poor dog like that...
So this guy who suffers from premature ejaculation... ...comes out of nowhere
What's the most fucked up thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet!
Why did Jimmy take a ruler to bed? To see how long he slept for.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Second chances: When it just didn't hurt enough the first time.
How are Joeffrey Baratheon and wheat related? They're both in-bread.
Did you hear about the amputee that came in last on Jeopardy? He was stumped.
Before you have kids, practice yelling "GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!" & see if it's right for you.
Want to hear a cheesy joke? I will only tell it if I have your Parmesean...
How you call a girl that doesnt do blowjobs ? You simply don't call her.
confession time "hogwarts" is a super gross thing to name a school and as a child I kinda hoped it would get destroyed because of that
A Blonde Jokes Two blondes (let's call them Tina and Julie) are talking. Tina: Did you know this New Year is on friday? Julie: OMG, I hope it's not on the 13th.
Low key just wanna defeat Thor and rule Asgard
A MEXICAN AND A BLACK MAN JUMP OFF A ROOF. WHO LANDS FIRST? A: WHO CARES
I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered he's imaginary. So I'm good.
Show up late for a meeting and say, "Sorry, I have the WORST hangover." Then, whip out a copy of "The Hangover Part 2" and laugh and laugh.
How attractive are skeletons? They're drop dead gorgeous!
Who's the poorest person in West Virginia? The Tooth Fairy.
And then the Lord said unto thee "any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered." Matthew 4:23
My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes. He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
What did the blonde name her pet Zebra? Spot
dear matt Damon for Halloween I think you should go as Matt Demon or Good Will Haunting. text me if you do
I can't believe rattlesnake warnings are called rattles and not cautionary tails
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
Nick: Can you tell me the way to Bath? Rick: I use soap and water personally.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar... It was tense.
Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson's family is off limits.
How do you weight a fish? With a scale.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney I'm not laughing either
Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he needed a poo.
What do you call it when a white man dancing has a seizure? An improvement.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes!
When a plane caught fire over the jungle the  pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal's pot. The cannibal turned to his friend and said 'What's this flier doing in my soup?'
Fact: In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my wi-fi came back on just as I was filling the cup.
linuxmint 13 or 15 question why does 13 have lts and not newer versions?
What's Forrest Gumps password? 1forrest1
Would you like to hear a good joke about Jonestown Massacre? Nah, nevermind, the punchline is too long.
I went to see Jurassic World because I heard there was a recently genetically modified dinosaur... I didn't see Caitlyn Jenner anywhere
Monica Lewinsky will be voting for Trump As the last Clinton in office left a bad taste in her mouth...
I asked my girlfriend for directions while she was giving me head she looked up and said.."You need to get off in 2 kilometers"
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word "bae" will be sterilized.
My doctor told me, "DON'T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
"I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high.." - Super Mario
I like my jokes like I like my women fucked up
Netflix: Want to keep watching? Me: Do we really need to do this? Netflix: It's just, it's been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.
When people post statuses like "Don't text or call me! Bad mood!" Um, no one was ever going text/call you in the first place. Just saying'
"How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?" "How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?"
Happy Valentine's day! Do you know what the word of the day is? Legs!.....Should we go back to my place and spread the word?
I complain about my kids a lot but I'd be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
What do you get when you put a flight stick in an egg? A yoke.
Why did the fish swim off of the waterfall? For the Halibut.
Did you hear Miley Cyrus does webcam gigs from her lounge now? You might say she's twerking from home.
What's Cain's favorite genre of music? Rock, I hear his brother hates it though.
What is the best formula for leaving Auschwitz? Lenght of chimney x wind speed
She needs to slow her roll. Only been with my girlfriend for two months and she wants to meet my parents. She needs to chill, i waited nine months before meeting them myself.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a 16 year old black girl who has had a few abortions? a crime fighter.
I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my wife and my dog. The dog gets it.
What it sounds like when you pee in the woods with a shy bladder *crickets
What is it called if someone wears your bra? Cobra!!!
What duo were famous for stealing horses? Bonnie and Clydesdale!
How does a coffee maker know it might be pregnant? It's period is a little LATTE.
I cant believe I forgot to go to the gym this morning. That's 7 years in a row now.
What is another name for a knife? A chopstick!
I'm the most anti-social person I know
Why did George Lucas Cross The Road? To urinate on my childhood and sell it back to be on blu-ray for $80.
Have you seen the new globe they're making? It's revolutionary
Why did the chicken get a lawyer Because he knew he was going to get fried in court
The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting "Stay off the grass."
A club walks into a seal.
Two guys walk into a bar... The third guy ducks.
Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you're an intelligent cry baby.
There's an apartment building in my neighborhood that's full of guys who think they're Jesus It's a Messiah Complex
Two old ladies, sat in a cafe eating a teacake. First one says, "did you come on the bus?" Second one replies, "yeah, but I made it out to look like an epileptic fit".
Realized that I'm getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they're all on medication...
How do dragons in Antarctica stay warm? They always have several lairs.
A man is hanging from a cliff
I walk into the main office of a new school: Secretary: You a sub? *cheeks blush* Me: Who have you been talking to?
How many "suh dudes" does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It's already lit fam.
I just learned that half of Asian-Americans have cataracts. The other half drive a Rincoln.
"Flight 1234 for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center we are at 35000 feet how much noise can we make up here?" "Sir have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she's about to give birth to humanity's savior Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time J: wtf around what time
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like "core competency" or "design out the problem" or "I'm gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today"
How does a Jew make beer? He brews.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo. Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Has anyone tried giving bees heroin? I feel like bees on heroin would produce better honey. It's probably not true, but it's just how I feel
"Give it to me!" My girlfriend screamed. "I'm so fucking wet right now!" She could shout all she wanted. I wasn't handing over my umbrella.
Why should you always bring an iPhone to Mos Eisley Cantina? Because droids can't get service.
Hey everyone who says aliens don't exist. Explain morning people.
Social Security exists in 60 years... That's the joke. There's no more to it
What did the Pirate say on his 80th Birthday? I don't know, but I'm sure someone is gonna repost this
[desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Last weekend I prevented a rape. It didn't take much. You can do it too. I finally convinced her
What do you call a mayfly with a criminal  tendencies ? Baddy long legs !
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
Here's your social security card. It's paper & has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck asshole.
What is Oedipus' favorite flavor? Umami.
How heavy is a photon? I don't know, but it's probably light-weight
Music Joke Nobody could find Beethoven's teacher because he is Haydn.
shout out to the little girl at the zoo earlier who said "when I grow up I want to be bamboo"
[steps off treadmill] "Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--" "Shall I call an ambulance?" "Please."
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
I'm a really green person, but only because I hate the oceans.
"He's 24 months old." 2 Your child is 2
What's the difference between black people and cancer? Cancer got Jobs
I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.
Why do we.... Cook bacons and bake cookies?
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase? A. "It's okay Daddy I'm not hurt."
I attempted my first press-up today. Sadly I only smelled defeat.
A black man catches a goldfish and it says "If you let me go ill give you one wish!". He replies why do I get 1 and everyone else 3? "Because you're a fucking nigger"
What's a sports fan's favourite disease? The COME ON! cold.
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pumpkin ~told by my dad
whats the difference between a Mexican and a park bench? the park bench can hold a family of four
What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy? A family friend paying a visit.
Thinking about becoming an unemployed mom so I can make up to $64/hr online.
Everyone tells me I'm average... That's just mean.
If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler It was a foot race
I had a Muslim co-worker named ... Christian
I was dating an archaeologist but I had to break up with her Turns out she was a gold digger.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... ...so I got drunk.
What do you call a guy from Poland masturbating a Polish Pole Polishing
America will suffer if Trump becomes president... You could say we're going toupee for it
Sex is a lot like pizza. How? Let me tell you about the worst pizza I ever had: It was fantastic.
Pro Tip: Ask the guy sitting next to you if he's gonna freak out about you watching fetish porn before you waste $8 on in-flight wifi.
What happens when you insult Terrance on the Oregon Trail? You died of dysentery. Sorry.
Near-beer is like going down on your sister.. It may taste the same, but it aint right.
Why are gay pride parades held in the summer? Because gay pride comes before gay fall.
It's a man's job to respect a woman. But, it's a woman's job to give him something to respect...
If Oliver Stone is being a stone and Michael Bay is being a bay, then what is Anthony Weiner being? Bullied
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Plans for Easter Wife: What are your plans for Easter? Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean ?? Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!
Vagina jokes aren't funny period
Walking Talking Stephen Hawking
What wine pairs best with this bomb-ass Nokia ringtone
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me. Even if one said, "I want to do you." I'd respond, "What do you mean? Like an impression?"
What do you call a spiderman that's good at sex? Peter Parker
Mexicans are shocked about Trump's wall But they'll get over it
I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board... I thought, I'll give it a Go.
Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, "Yes, honey I do."
Is it a rule now that Betty White has to be in everything? Because she is simply ruining this porn for me.
You want to know the problem with cocaine? It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Dad Joke: What did Miley Cyrus' dancing instructor tell her to do? Hometwerk
if you eat four pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just one. #dieting #fitness.
Yo momma so fat, when she stepped on the scale Buzz Lightyear popped up and said "TO INFINITY... AND BEYOND!"
The greatest distance in the Universe is the one between how people think they look in a Hummer limo, and how they actually look.
What's the worst thing at a bad joke party? The punch lines.
What do you get when you visit the dentist with a dollar? Buck-teeth!
Kids are like tornadoes They're neat to watch but you can't help but be scared when they head for your house
What was the most successful love story in Game of Thrones? Shireen. She was only on Tinder for a couple of minutes.
I've come to the realisation that I am a hipster. Well, that solved itself.
What car do dogs drive? A Doge charger
When I was twelve, I jammed a tile from a Scrabble set into a Nerf gun and shot my brother in the forehead, killing him instantly. It was an accident though, I thought it was a "blank".
Purple is my favorite color! I like it more than blue and red combined.
Mathematically speaking.. The average person is mean. :-)
Why do barbers make good drivers?  Because they know all the short cuts.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. She holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime? *Leaps into garbage compactor*
A talking penguin walked into a bar and the bar tender said: "Hey, we don't usually get a lot of talking penguins." And the penguin responded: "Well, no wonder - at these prices!"
*wife comes home* "Did you fix the toilet?" Yep! [she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums] "You called the plummer again you idiot!!!"
Don't act like you've never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I was the best fisherman in town. (nsfw) They called me the master baiter. I could also catch many rare fish, and they also called me a pretty good hooker.
Today I've heard the funniest joke ever. It was so funny.
The chicken and the egg lay in bed together sharing a cigarette... The chicken turns to the egg and says, "well, I guess we answered that one."
What should we call Trump's newest scandal? Golden Gate.
A Jewish boy asks his father for 50 bucks. What the hell are you going to do with 30 dollars? Why do you want 10 dollars?
A pony walks into a bar... ... "Give me a drink", he says to the barkeep, "I'm a little hoarse."
Former police officers are offering their services to appear in court for you. It's a form of copper recycling.
I've decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn't want to do it at first but apparently it's for blind and disabled kids so I think I've got a good chance of winning
Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I've ever heard lol
Are you today's date? Because you're 1/10, bye.
What is long, hard, and has cum in it? Cucumber
An oldie for the road This randomly popped into my head at work and as I started saying it, my boss finished it. *Twats* that? I *cunt* hear you. *Tits* okay. I'll *finger* it out later.
Admit it... You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook status.
Jokes that Eddie Murphy could have done on SNL40. Here is mine. I did comedy for the fame, money and sex with white women. The 80's was so long ago. Good night folks.
I used to work at an orange juice factory... I got fired cuz I couldn't concentrate
Whats 9+10 9+10=21-2=19
What is the most crucial element of Oology? Eggsact measurements.
Have you seen the movie about constipation? It hasn't come out yet!
My ex used to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" to me.... I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My wife and I only disagree on the small things, like the importance of my happiness and whether anything I say matters.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokemon.
Hot girls on Twitter: Single and straight: 3% Lesbians: 12% Taken and straight: 15% Men: 70%
What do mathematicians get if they stare at the roots of negative numbers for too long? Square eyes
Lance Armstrong revealed this Tour De France will be his last, again. Not even Brett Favre believes him anymore.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
What is the internet's predominant religion? Cat-holic-ism. Meow!
[OC] Girls who prefer "dad bods"... Just want father figures in their lives.
What is the worst about a being black AND Jewish? Sitting in the back of the oven. Sorry if this is considered extremely racist mods, please remove if you consider it to be!
What's the difference between an egg and a redditor? An egg gets laid
BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday? GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Its cheesy.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and- *chemistry set explodes* Mom: what was that?! God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today ... Should of put it on aloha temperature.
I'm a vegan and a registered sex offender... When I move into a new neighbourhood, what am I supposed to tell everyone first?
Pilot held without bail. Judge concerned about the risk of flight.
If you're ever cold go stand in a corner... ...and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Why doesn't the Easter Bunny make noise when he has sex? Because he has Cottonballs
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
Why aren't there any "old husband tales"? There are. They just get re-branded as "logic" and "the truth".
[job interview] Me: Time travel Boss: What is your biggest strenWHAT?!
I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked... "Dad, what's a preposition?" "A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
The fact that there isn't a brand of crackers called Cracka Ass Crackers really makes me lose faith in black entrepreneurial spirit.
I've finally found something my girlfriend's bum doesn't look big in... ... The distance
My body is 99 degrees And the flu might add a few more (I fuckin suck at jokes)
My son has developed orange and white stripes on his body... Doctors have put him on a course of nemotherapy.
Where did Suzie go after the bombing? Everywhere
Have you ever seen mothballs? How'd you get their tiny legs open?
Missing girl There was a girl named Tori who got lost when hiking. A search party was formed, however she was never found. Then one day she walks out of the woods, it was a Miss Tori.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
Why shouldn't you buy underwear from the Ukraine? Chernobyl fall out.
I don't really know about the effects of nocturnal drinking I'm just taking a shot in the dark.
How can you tell that you're getting old?  You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
What do Apple and The Titanic have in common? They both lost the Jack.
My bread baking business has gone a rye.
Ronda Rousey Acting
Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.
What is a long room with many doors called? I'm not sure, I hallways forget
What's Whitney Houston's favourite coordination? Handiiiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Why do elephants drink so much? To forget
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts
I got kicked out of the library for putting a "Women's Rights" book in the the fiction section.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she's be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
It's so rough where I live ... We don't have Jehova's witnesses, we have Jehova's bystanders (who are like "We didn't see nothing")
I like that my phone tries to capitalize the word internet. Like the mindless dicking around we do on here is important.
What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you  don't understand.
Well well well, if it isn't the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone... Brb.
What u call 10 black people in the back of a truck? A good days hunting.
The good news is I'm pretty much who I say I am. The bad news is I'm pretty much who I say I am.
A woman asks a bartender for a double entendre He gave her one
IKEA made headlines today... ...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases
Two lesbians walk into red lobster
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I'm like Jason Bourne, only I'm not looking for exits in each room.. I'm looking for outlets & phone chargers.
my grade for geography will be out of this world.
Just been fined 500 for having a joint in my greenhouse. I guess people in glass houses shouldn't get stoned.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again! MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You're shallow and selfish. I'm leaving you and taking the kids.
Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans I guess they were accident prawn
[Programming Joke] What method did SFML perform when the Human lost to the AI? Text.GetRect()
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
I was in a gang once  we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.
People always say "Wow, your baby looks so much like you," as though it's supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.
The stock market is astrology for people who think they're too good for astrology.
So Hitler writes a porno... It's title: *Mein Kampfidential*
The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.
What do you call a wolf that's aware of its surroundings? Awarewolf
My Wife was dead and rotting for a week... ..and i thought she was just having her periods.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.
Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped prison transport? The police spokesperson said they have a small medium at large.
How does a white lady fix a flat tire? She buys a new car.
What do you call the moisture build-up between two cousins having sex? Relative humidity
Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems
So an Olympian walks into a bar... and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.
Hey you know what's the hardest part of juggling? Telling girls you're not in the mood for sex.
I love this time of the year... when the nights are drawing in, there's a chill in the air &amp; the whole family gathers round a roaring Galaxy Note 7
"Hey mom, why does it smell like dead people in here...?" "....mom? Mom? ...... Mooooooooooommmmm!!!!!"
What is wonder woman's favorite drug? Heroine.
What's the best thing about being named Richard? Every picture of me is a Dick pic. Which is to say my own mother hangs Dick pics on her walls.
[NSFW] My favorite sex act is the JFK... I love blowing my man's head off.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer. Me: yea I got arrested once Niece: omg why Me: for going through my aunt's drawers.
I saw Matt Damon eating toast in his hometown... ...could it be Bourne and Bread?
Hey Guys! Wouldn't it be crazy if Friday the 13th was on Halloween! I tricked too many people with that...
I told my Canadian friend that I ran zero miles today... she said that was 0K
Scientists have discovered what lowers women's sex drive... Wedding cake
What do you call a black guy who puts on a guy fawkes mask? A Vinegar.
Why was the ocean embarrassed? Because all the fish could see his bottom.
Americans eat Turkeys at Christmas. Do people in Turkey eat Americans?
what do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
How can you tell if a post on r/Jokes is unoriginal? It makes the front page.
1. Tattoo "I'M WATCHING YOU" on your shaved head. 2. Grow hair and wait for daughter's boyfriend to come over. 3. Shave head in front of him
Studies show that people who start a sentence with "studies show..." have no clue what they're talking about
What's better than roses around your piano? Tulips around your organ! Ba dum bum chhhhhhh.
A Christian and an atheist walk into a bar. They proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each other's company because they're not pretentious dicks.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a crack dealer? A prostitute can just wash her crack and use it again
What do you say to an airplane when it gets mad? Cool your jets.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Jesus christ, guys! Can we stop arguing about politics for ONE second and change subject to something more lighthearted? So what are your guys' thoughts on abortion?
My dad has the heart of a lion And a life time ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Why did the crab hate to share? He was a little shellfish.
*at church* "Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?" I OFFER MY FIRST BORN CHILD "Jim no"
I don't like when guys says stuff like "i waited my whole life to meet this woman". It's like no you didn't. You weren't a romantic toddler.
If Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders were stuck on an island, who would survive? America
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
What did Grandma say to the frog? Something racist, probably.
Yes, I read Quantum Physics. But only for the particles.
I got a new piercing I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said "do you like my new piercing??" After a few seconds she replied " where's the piercing then?" I said "in my ear"
Why did Tim Tebow's mom protest against the Russian soup truck? It contained a borscht ton.
Betsy the cow applied to leather crafting college early decision. Unfortunately she was defurred.
Ever had haggis? I fed it to my dog once.... Poor guy's been licking his asshole for a month, trying to get rid of the taste.
Boy playing Pokemon go walks into a bar He should've been paying attention
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance? Look at it through a magnifying glass.
"who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning newspaper??"
Why was delta afraid of zeta? Because zeta eta theta and is only epsilon away from delta.
I only drink Smart Water now. I think it's really helping my... my head thinking thingie.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a flying fuck.
What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea Plaguegiarism Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me
Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill all the bugs at his ex girlfriend's house? He's her ex-terminator
Want to know something really bad and dirty about me? I'm running Windows XP.
Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time.
How are butter and a prostitute similar? They both spread for bread
Need an ark? ..I Noah guy.
It's good times for German geologists As they have discovered a large deposit of gemulichkeit.
How many musos does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...
I saw a really cute girl and I wanted to get her number but... I got all choked up. Yeah, living in Compton is f*cked up, they got my wallet too.
Happy anniversary to the love of my life.. and her husband Jonathan.
A women got a wooden breast implant the other day.. This joke would be funny if it had a punchline.. *Wooden tit?*
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present... They are due back at the library today.
The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.
You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
What's it called when a T-Rex hurts itself? A dino-sore
I heard reports of a white haired man in a strange outfit going around emptying his sack in children's bedrooms across the country. Which is crazy because I heard Jimmy Saville was dead.
History teacher: Which period did Cleopatra come from? Me: The one her mother missed?
Why isn't the word gangster pronounced [Jang-ster]? Because there ain't no such thing as a soft 'G.'
"Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.
Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door
What did Mr. Burns bring to the pot luck? Egg_salad
Beware: Butterball Turkeys Recalled !! The factory forgot to butter their balls.
Famous last words of the father, when he killed his Son with a vacuum cleaner Dyson
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common? A wet nose.
"Daddy, are we poor?" Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No. "Compared to my friends?" Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.
You're in a work meeting and your boss asks, "Any questions?" The answer is always, NO.
How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Apparently more than 5, as my basement is still dark
A clown tries to get insurance for his company, but the agent says Agent: Sorry, we don't do any funny business here.
There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk Up
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren't the worst. Me: Wall-E's friend was a cockroach. Wife: Except that.
Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..
Whats long and green and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger.
Sometimes when I talk to people I start pointing at crouches. (Point)
[NSFW] What came first: The egg or the chicken? The chicken, I don't think egg cums.
What would you get if you crossed a monster  with a redcoat? A bigger target.
Rate kickass only this if your name isn't Steve
Joke from New Zealand: "What's a Hindu?" Lays iggs.
MUSLIMS GO HOME! Your spouse called and is fixing dinner early. Please pick up some hummus on your way.
What do you call an EDM party full of serial killers at the bottom of the ocean? Deep-rave.
Cinderella walks into a bar... "I'd like a glass of shoes, please"
This Super Market doesn't even sell capes.
Hank Hill works at an S&amp;M sex shop And he sells pro-pain accessories.
I saw a sign at a highschool advertising anal ogies I was confused until I saw handwritten note saying that the printer couldn't print the letter "R"
[having sex] ME: oh yeah do you like that HER: faster! ME: *like an auctioneer* doyoulikethat-isee$5foryes-$5foryes-doisee$10-$10foryes
I just invented a new word. Plagiarism
I was feeling down. My girlfriend told me to go somewhere that I haven't been in a while that would cheer me up. (NSFW) So I stuck it in her ass. I feel much better
**mass text** Girl, you know you're the only one.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery. Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died Dr: yep
Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.
So, a byslexic guy walks into a dar...
Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ? Because he is an x-boxer
I told Cheryl Cole I was taking her to Scandinavia for a weeks holiday. "Norway?" "No, I'm serious."
The Story of Volcanos God: Ok, how about a mountain.. Angel: We got mountains. God: Lemme finish. That shits fire. Angel: Metal. *fist bump*
Homework. Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
What's the opposite of progress? The president.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe. I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
I lost the Sore Loser Award last night... It's okay. The guy who won really deserved it and there is always next year.
Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp? The one who can carry two cups of coffee AND a dozen donurs!
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
An Indian news anchor was fired for referring the chinese President Xi Jinping as "Eleven" Jinping.
Q: What do astronauts eat for dinner? A: Launch meat.
Did you hear that Trump is getting penis enlargement surgery? It's gonna be yuge.
I work for a company who specialises in vacuum packed marine mammals. We're famous for our airtight seal.
I was reading in the paper... And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. I thought to myself, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
How Many A Cappella Singers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Twelve. Three to Physically Change the Bulb, Three to Talk About How Complicated it Was and Six to Call themselves Electricians.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade killing 50 people Then the grenade exploded
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Why did the puppeteer get out of jail? Because he "pulled a few strings"!
My house got broken into the other night... The thief didn't take anything, he just left a note. All it said was 'get better stuff.'
A girl asked me for sex yesterday. I had to disappoint her. We had sex.
What do you call someone who has 6.02 * 10^23 dollars? A mole-ionaire.
I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice. My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.
Saying sniggers isn't very politically correct I now say laughrican americans.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Iron man is a well known super hero. Iron Woman, that's a command.
MAN!! My boss is always all "Blah blah blah!", "You're late!", and "Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!"
Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!
They told me to keep it in my pants... But it was too hard. Happy Valentine's Day folks!
All I got my wife for her birthday was a mirror. That'll show her who's boss.
What's the difference between America and a yogurt? After 200 years a yogurt will develop a culture.
Why did the criminal get released from prison after he wrote a short essay? He had served his sentence.
A Freudian slip is... when you say one thing, and mean amother.
I just started a new band called Prevention Everyone says we're better than The Cure
Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.
my hate for filling up ice cube trays outweighs my love for cold beverages.
You want to scare someone? Call them.
So is my call important to you or will it be answered in the order it was received? IT CAN'T BE BOTH!
2 reasons not to drink toilet water: Number 1 and number 2.
I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.
Want to play the rape game? No!! *wink* That's the spirit
I like my women how I like my wine. Mellow, full bodied, and with a penis . . .
The sub became horrible since it became default...anyone know of a better jokes sub similar to how this sub was pre-default?
Why don't you want to eat pussy in the morning? Have you ever tried to spread a grilled cheese?
Gay marriage is legal now So... Is the internet over now? Do we go on vacation?
I tried to convince the grape that she had dried out... But I just couldn't raisin with her. I'll see myself out.
Who won the Battle of the Bulge? The guy with the bulge in his sock ...
[pet shop] ME: I'm looking for a dog that can talk OWNER: Try this one ME: [to dog] Can you talk? DOG: No ME: My search continues
I don't get people that talk to themselves
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
John! Do you see that guy over there?? John : Yeah? Peter : He is gay John : oh....really ?? How do you know that??? Peter : His dick tastes like poop
Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don't lose your job.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth? Glad-'e-ate-'er
The loop of Internet sites we repetitively check up on while procrastinating is worse than crack.
Me: Wake up 5-year-old: Me: We're late 5: Me: The house is on fire 5: Me: Your sister touched your stuff 5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, "I've got tickets to..." and hang up
Banana vs Vibrator
How did the farmer feel after he ripped his clothing? Let's just say he felt overall sadness.
Did you hear about the guy who ate glass? It was pretty clear how he died.
"Tell me why I shouldn't report you to HR?" The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. "I don't work here" I yelled back.
Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends? Because Paracetamol on fire.
I was going to tell a joke about anal... ...but fuck it
What does a chef with a chronic masturbation issue cook? Fapjacks!
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don't have finger prints anymore.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me man... We'll go places. Peace. Hmath out.
What do pizzas and blow jobs have in common... Even when there a bit shit, there still pretty fucking good.
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? One can't, but two can.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
"I have something I'd like to get off my chest" is what I would say if I had a third nipple.
What do a priest and McDonald's have in common?... [NSFW] Both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.
What did the Nurse say when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket? " Some arsehole's got my pen."
For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says "please take one" That way it looks like I actually had candy once
Half of all the people who go to an abortion clinic come out alive...
What ever happened to Hitler's family? He Adolf Them...
One of my grandfather's favorites. What sound does a pubic hair make right before it hits the floor? "Ptui"
What is the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock.
What did one snail say to the other snail? It...all...happened...soooooooo...fast
I like my beer the same way I like my violence... Domestic.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.
Half of middle aged mothers don't go to the cinemas I don't believe that where do they make all their phone calls
What's the only thing worse than a third Bush as president? A first Trump as president.
I heard a chemistry joke the other day... I heard a chemistry joke the other day, it was sodium funny I slapped my neon that one.
Unicorns have one horn and everyone says "ooh they're so magical" Cow's have 2 horns & no one cares even though they taste so much better
My friend just won the Scandinavian excavator championship by moving a beer can from one table to another without denting it. My friend knows his ways around beer.
Are you guys all right? Or are you all left?
They asked me where I would be in 5 years... I said I don't know I don't have 2020 vision.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 Victims, they went through 38 stories in 10 seconds
My nephew didn't cry when Mufasa died so I stopped the movie. What is wrong with kids of today?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it's called "peeing" what a dumb idiot.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria's Secret] OMG ME: It's not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale WIFE: Oh thank God
Batteries I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
If a plane crashes on the US/Canada border, where do you bury the survivors? you dont bury survivors
A joke about dwarves ejaculating... Will be coming shortly.
What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo? One's a little lighter.
There is a race between a skull and a small butt one's clearly ahead, the other's a little behind
It drives me fucking crazy when people post questions on Facebook that could easily be answered with a basic google search.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we're having communion for dinner.
What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire? Arrr son!
If you're a necrophiliac... is it called wallpapering the coffin?
I shot my first turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.
I'm sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn't really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
A country just passed a law requiring all cross-gender people to be sterilized. Many of the locals were left trans-fixed.
\What is the leading cause for pedophelia? Sexy kids.
The worst part about being homeschooled is getting bullied.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It's like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
whenever i get frustrated with the world i remember that some birds can talk and then i get so amped
How do you break up an Arab Bingo game? Yell B-52.
Gonna start a gym called "Resolutions". For the first two weeks of January it's a gym. The rest of the year it becomes a bar.
How could the dolphin afford to buy a  house ? He prawned everything !
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Why can't you make bread like my mother? I would if you could make dough like your father!
The Beach Boys walk into a bar... "Round?" "Round?" "Get a round" "I get a round?" "Get a round...."
What's Harry Potters favorite way to go down hill? Walking... JK ROLLING
Why do you never see a black person with Down Syndrome? God doesn't punish anyone twice.
My doctor said he needed a stool sample from me. The timing was perfect. I was about to go to Ikea anyway
Why do women fake orgasms? I wish they'd just be honest. I've only faked an orgasm once, when I was being mugged..... That scared him off.
So there's a guy at my work that cleans all of the new stock that comes off the trucks before it hits the sales floor... We call him the palette cleanser.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.... Now that I've got your attention, BOOBIES!
What's a pigs favorite muscle? The hamstring.
Did you know that all Bicyclists are colorblind? Cause they can't tell Green from Red!
What do you get when you use the 3rd Unforgivable Curse on a pornstar? Erotic cadaver.
A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar... ..and the barman says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
When carrying a sleeping child to bed in the dark, make sure all intervening doors are open. Babies make cranky, ineffective battering rams.
A guy was so bored he broke a watch with his bare hands. Then he said "i've got too much time on my hands"
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Woman? You have to drop the bomb twice.
Schizophrenic walks into a psychiatrists office . . . says, "Doc, am I as crazy as he says we are?"
HWhy did the monster lie on his back? To trip up low-flying aircraft.
dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now
Why does the devil get such a bad rap? Because like everyone in marketing, he always lets his own stuff slide...
"I wish I had more time to read" he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.
How do you blow up an Indian ? Press the red button on their forehead.
I'd like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.
How to keep a girl: buy her pizza touch her butt buy her pizza touch her butt buy her pizza touch her butt buy her pizza touch her butt
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!
Did I ever tell you the story about the time I climbed Mount Everest? I made it up.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells? She grew out of her b-shells
I told this cute girl some cheesy puns yesterday... She said they were hit or swiss. I guess I gouda done cheddar.
This one is a bit tasteless, so be warned. Water
three elephants fall of a cliff two hit the sand and one hits the ocean.badabum tsch
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Why doesn't the Jolly Green Giant patronize prostitutes? He has no room in his life for a fourth ho.
Somebody stole my mood ring today. I don't know how I feel about that.
I went out with anorexic twins last night... 2 birds, 1 stone
"..,you will die in seven days" *creepy voice on the phone* Me; "new phone, who dis?"
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster... Just made it a bit sluggish.
Passed a sign that says, "All you can eat, $30/person" but I don't think I can eat $30 worth of people.
"You missed a spot." -g
Whats more offensive than black face? Orange face.
1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom. 2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..." 3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
I see your childhood joke and raise you mine: What object crashes the most? A kaleidoscope!
What do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy? A Nietzsche market!
What do you call a bunch of Mexican stoners? Baked beans
I'm making a party for people who can't ejaculate... Let me know if you are coming or not.
JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs? MARY: Just stuff 'em in the Lazy Susan. SUSAN: Hey, I'm right here! (*remains seated*)
What do you call a skeptical horse? A neigh-sayer. Sorry
James Franco is making a movie about lesbian vampires. I'm betting it'll be a period piece.
The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from getting into England Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.
My friend made a joke about terrorist hijacking planes I rated it 9/11
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I'd be obsessed with you too.
You hate it "No I just didn't think we'd spend our anniversary here" *pssss* "What was that?!" The bouncy castle is deflating
I remember the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket. "I'm going to kick this bucket"
Did you hear about the guy who fucked a sheep? Turns out he's bahhh-sexual
I was trying to make a black guy joke. But it didnt work
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She had not arms.
Chemistry teacher: What is Nitrate? Girl: My place, 250...your place 400!
Yes, it's me Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
The life of a penis is a sad one.... His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have? Because no matter the sport, he would always play write
Girl, are you pi? 'Cause you are long and sweet.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? Something in Japanese.
Quentin Tarantino always looks like he walked through a car wash.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
What do you think about a girl isn't a virgin before 18?
What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker? [NSFW] The rooster says Cock-a-doodle-do, and the hooker says Any cock will do!
It takes 10,000 hours to be really good at something. It's really easy being poor now.
What did Tommy Wiseau say when he got an A on his final? Oh, hi Marks!
Why did the atheist chicken cross the road To get away from Churchs
Microwave Whats the hardest thing about microwaving vegtables? -fitting the wheelchair in the microwave.
what do you call a liberal humanitarian with a broken toaster lack toast and tolerant
What do you get when you order a JFK? An americano with an extra shot
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey? Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I tried to get back to the drawing board but I can't draw.
What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Deer nuts are under a buck.
Why is the monsters' football pitch wet? Because the players keep dribbling on it.
Cherry: I'm pregnant. Tomato: What?! (Origin of the Cherry Tomato)
'Jesus loves you' means one thing in general society. And something completely different in prison.
What do French stoners smoke? Oui-d
I almost died trying to brush my teeth with my left hand.
A feminist asked me how I saw lesbians. Apparently *in HD* wasn't the right answer.
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack!* "Fuck!" A skydiver goes "Fuck!" *whack!*
Did you hear about... Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack!
it's fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
One time I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist.... Unfortunately, I couldn't find any openings.....
Look on the bright side would be horrible advice to someone trapped in a tanning bed
What do you call the system of honour of French horses? Chevalry
What does a vegetarian zombie eat? GRAAAIIIIIINS
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the knickers.
What do you call a Mexican lady with no legs? (NSFWish) Cuntswaylow
Quick: how do you un-shake a baby?
What's the easiest way to make a million dollars? Invest a billion.
I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that's when I was asked to leave Costco. THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage
Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response. Ok, just me?
What sound does a pinewood derby car make when you rev it? Wooooooden Woooooooden Woooooden!
What's the capital of Greece? About 20.
What do you call a man with three arms and a pegleg? I have no idea because the actual joke is always in the comments.
After tonight's World Series game... It looks like the Indians are going to have a different type of trail of tears.
How do you make a pole angry? Deport him.
My friend has a PHD. Even though he only has a Public Highschool Diploma, he has been living a pretty happy life. Side note: My father loves to make this joke, so I had to share.
I was shopping for shoes for my imaginary friend He was a size 10i
Old Finnish Saying Do you know what's wrong with a Russian ass buzzer? It doesn't fit in your ass and it doesn't buzz.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Just recently sold all my dead batteries free of charge
If you light a fire for a man... He'll be warm for the whole day. If you throw a man in a fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
How do you trigger a feminist? You've got male.
Lobster Tail &amp; Beer. My three favourite things.
A good sign that you're not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.
ChristianMingle is also a great site if you're just looking to get an incredible side hug.
What did the ghost say when he looked in the beehive? Boo-bees!
Why is hip hop popular among urban youth? because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.
A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.
What do Redditors always get confused by? Seven.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, he's grown ass man and fishing isn't that hard.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night.
Don't forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it's hot in here.
What does having sex with me and the holocaust have in common? There are people who still deny it ever happened.
"So we kill a tree" Ok "And put it inside our house" Nice "Then we hang up some socks" I'm with ya "And then we drink egg milk punch" What
Why did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Because the teacher said "do your essay"
Did I tell you I bought a sports car? It wasn't very good though, I beat it in every sport I played against it
I was given two t-shirts, a jacket and a sweater. They where shirty gifts.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Southeast Asia isn't known for their wine. But I'll never say no to a Filipino Grigio
Men are better cooks With just a piece of sausage and an egg, they can fill a woman's tummy for 9 months.
[Game&amp;Chill] Replace any word in a movie tittle with "fap" (For example " Fap to the Future")
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater? That was the most violent book I've ever read.
Pick up line - works everytime! "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
Why is Trump going to lose the election? Because he's simply not very good with races
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground? Well well well...
What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? "Firetruck" ...What were you thinking? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"? "Popcorn" ..What were you thinking?
Why do Mexicans eat beans? so they can take bubble baths.
Why did Aladdin have a shoe on his crotch? Because he told the Genie he wanted his penis to grow a foot.
Why are men smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.
How do you tell jokes? Repost :(
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans" all I hear is "there's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
Jokes What did Barack Obama say to Michelle Obama when he proposed?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
A man comes home to find his wife in bed with his best friend, he immediately picks up his gun and shoots the wife He gives the dog a second chance though
Two Deer in a Gay Bar Two deer walk out of a gay bar ones says to the other, " I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there"
I'll do you like I do my homework... For two minutes.
What's white and streaks across the sky at a thousand miles an hour? The coming of the Lord.
Me: Is there alcohol in this? Barista: ... No ma'am. Me: Can there be?
A dung beetle walks into a bar "Is this stool taken?"
What do they teach in ISIS business school? Execution is everything.
What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory? You can hear a cough drop.
"Daddy, there's a mime under the bed!" That's ridiculous, why would you think that? "Listen!" *complete silence* OH DEAR GOD RUN
A mathematician walks into a bar and says "I want 2 beers" The bartender tells him "You're being irrational"
[date at rooftop bar] give me ur hand "Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?" *rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me
Alternate Title for Interstellar [Spoiler] Ghost Dad
A termite walks into a bar... and says "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?"
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? A: Without him the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? Liquor in the front poker in the back.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic..... ... and so am I.
A Muslim walks into a bar... Just kidding it's haram
How did the astrologer cross the road? In his Taurus!
Why don't you ever say a joke about Jesus to a Christian? They become pretty cross...
A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy. But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it's a time to grieve.
M$ forever! [oneliner] The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck, is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.
Where do you buy a baby? Hole Foods.
I could bang a midget, but I don't give half a fuck.
chewing tobacco must've been a hard sell: Do you like nicotine but hate smoke but love to spit smelly wet chunks of leaves? Well guess what
It's so annoying when I'm about to take a great photo and somebody calls my camera.
What is worse than male chauvinists? Women who can't shut up!
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it's gone.
Why is there no Mexican olympics? Because everyone that can swim, run and jump is already across the border.
Hurt my back while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.
What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber? A darthvark!
I can be the Taco Beast... ...If you're my Taco Belle!
What do you call a disappearing President? Hocus POTUS
What I reply with when someone asks, "What'd the comment say?" [Removed]
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise... Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Shortest Joke Ever Venicine's dear isn't it. Courtesy of Jimmy Carr, great joke.
"Ok last interview question. Biggest weakness?" "People say I'm too hospitable." "I see. So should I stop sitting on your lap?" "Your call."
going to the doctors Doctor: You have hepatitis B Patient: Damn, what kind of hepatitis, though?
What do Kiwi nuclear engineers eat? Fusion chups.
For anyone interested, you'll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below: Still sucks.
[trust fall exercise at work] CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN'T CATCH ME! M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.
You're too drunk, dear. Alcohol you later.
I should marry my neighbor. She doesn't live with me, we never speak, and we see each other naked all the time.
Why are Gorillas underpaid? They're willing to work peanuts!
Star Wars VII: the force awakens Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Banc pentru stefan I: De ce nu a reusit pisica sa prinda mouse-ul? R: Era "GENIUS"
A corpse walks into a bar... And asks the bartender for a lemonade. "Of course!" says the bartender, "I've never seen a stiff drink!" Courtesy of the video game Fable 3.
CASHIER: its declined ME: run it again C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out ME: no C: your name is "local resident"?
Her: You like shopping? Me: Oh god yes! Her: What's your favorite place? Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince's first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.
Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!" Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?" Boy: "No." Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter." Boy: "And do you know who I am?" Girl: "No," Boy: "Thank god!"
PS4/Xbox joke Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you'll gain a shit-ton of weight.
What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt? That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community. Haha, happy late 4th of July.
"911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"
Deep down, we're all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Your momma is so classless... she could be a Marxist utopia
What does your momma and a hockey player have in common? They both change their pads after three periods.
Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper? Well, it's tearable...
help me, I am trapped in a haiku factory save me before they
The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn't go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Which country has the most millionaires? Zimbabwe.
Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
I'll always be less successful than Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore
My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion.  Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
What do you call a hillbilly giraffe that lives in a trailer and drinks beer all day? A rednnnnnneeeeeeeccccccccckkkkkk.
How did Lex Luthor hide his money laundering from superman? He used a krypton-currency.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.
Why do I have to say please when I ask for a sandwich at a restaurant? They don't say please when I'm paying. They say, "That'll be $5". I should be able to say, "That'll be a sandwich."
Why aren't redheads very good R&amp;B singers? Because they have no soul
A man finishes a tube of chapstick... ...just kidding.
2 Redditors walk into a bar... Which is funny because you'd think the 2nd guy would have seen the 1st one do it!
If I knew then what I know now, I would have been a really creepy, sexually frustrated toddler.
How do you access a watersports/golden shower porn site if you don't know the URL? You just use the IP address
Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? The Headlines in the paper read "Small medium at large"
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is. Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I don't care who you are. If you can constantly make me laugh, I'm probably gonna wanna fcuk you.
How many boring guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? One
Michael Strahan has a line of clothing at JC Penneys I think the Gap would be more appropriate.
That voice inside my head has a different accent every time I read a new tweet
Hi, I'm here to see the doctor. -me Witch doctor? -reception Nooo...I think he's Jewish. -me [blank stare] Please sit down.
What's better than winning a silver in the paralympics? Being able to walk.
Barista won't write "Air Bud was bullshit" on my coffee cup. We've been arguing for 20 minutes. HE'S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Sometimes I miss my ex. So I drop it into reverse and try again.
Woah!!! You're a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Why did the neckbeard become a doctor? He sure knows how to treat M'aladies
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.
Hello and welcome to Hypocrite's Anonymous. What's your name?
I have a rare mental condition that makes me see a gold next to my submit on reddit Edit: Thanks for the gold!
You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny. That's malarious!
We'd been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Did I tell you the one about the maize? Nevermind, it's too corny.
Why did the young witch have such difficulty writing letters? She had never learned to spell properly.
I don't understand why men are so worried about erectile dysfunction. I mean, it can't be that hard.
When is a body builder's shortest workout? During the winter Swole-stace
Dont stop! I dont usually get to see beauty in motion
"I think i'm having a heart attack. Quick! Dad, call me a doctor..." "You're a Doctor."
True Story, When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love. This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My Mum saw me naked this morning Guess now she knows what she's getting for Christmas.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
"omg you're covered in blood! are you ok?" [cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly] you should see the other guy
Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.
What do gender studies graduates commonly say? "Would you like fries with that?"
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
Did I miss the Limerick fad? There once was a fellow from Kent, Whose cock was so long that it bent. To save him some trouble, He'd put it in double. And instead of coming, he went.
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar The Bartender says: "what would you like Senator Cruz?"
How do you ruin someones peaceful thoughts? Puppymonkeybaby
Mah Dearest Emma, War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
"This is NPR." Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
What's worse than finding your first grey pubic hair...... ....finding it between your teeth.
My friends keep telling me I'm in the closet. I just tell them it's Narnia business.
What did one gay pedophile say to the other at the beach? Get out of my Son
I just don't understand how to properly put together a play on words I think I'm just going to throw away my script for *The Dictionary in the Attic: An Anne Frank story*
The fastest way to get karma is... ...is to make someone think they are learning how to get karma
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee... ...go to bed at 3 AM as if you did not have to get up at 7.
I know of a guy who eats only thorns in meals... ...guess he's a prickly eater
Did you hear Jill Stein and Al Franken are getting married? Their kids said they will hyphenate their last names to "Franken-Stein."
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it's the greatest country on earth.
What's the difference between a hotel and a lodge? You can't hotel your dick into someone's ass.
I need the "Viewer Discretion Advised" voice to narrate my life.
Why can't a hermit be a vegan, go to a CrossFit gym, or not eat gluten? Because he can't tell anyone about it.
WTF dude put your hands down I'm NOT robbing you I just enjoy wearing pantyhose on my face this is getting so old put $20 on pump 5 man
What language do bugs in the Middle East speak? Scarabic
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
"His and hers" gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My girlfriend is a pornstar... She's going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
(Halloween Party) Friend: What's your costume? Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.
I'd like to tell you guys a chemistry joke But based on my experience so far in this sub, I'm sure I won't get any reaction
What hat does a Mexican wear to a funeral? A somber-ero.
Got a summons for jury duty. At least now I know it will be a hung jury.
Therapist: what's your biggest issue with your husband? Wife: he gives me no privacy Me: [tapping on window from outside] that's not true
My friend's crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat's litter box, they're not that good.
Spandex is sausage casing for humans.
Why did everyone trust the marsupial? Everything he said was troo
I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
A new study of dolphins was recently performed... The study showed that within a few weeks in captivity, they were able to teach humans to stand at the edge of their pool and throw fish at them.
Where do OB/GYNs go to school? Gynecolleges.
NO...I don't "make plans" because plans suggest INTENT... ...which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[leaving a party] GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
In preschool, I became friends with a little girl I showed her mine, and she showed me hers. However, a preschool teacher found out about it, and I was fired.
a giraffe, a zebra, a hippo, and a mouse walk into a bar all of the animals hit their head on the bar except for the mouse which walked easily beneath it
What do you wear when it's raining homophobia? A straight jacket.
What's a vampire bat's favorite fruit? A Nectarine! What's a vampire bat's favorite dog breed? The blood hound!
A man walks up to a woman at a bar... "Hey baby, how about tonight we try the 68 position?" "What's that?" "You give me a blowjob, and I'll owe you 1"
I went to a zoo, but they only had one animal there. That animal was was a dog. It was a shitzu.
Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he's in there the more powerful he'll become.
What's the Ethiopian national dish? Empty.
I don't know which child you think I don't treat correctly... Jake, Thomas or the fat ugly one?
Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
Whats the Difference between Acne and A priest? Whats the Difference between acne and a priest? Acne wont come on your face unil youre 13.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning? Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
ISIS Awards Night The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed. Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.
I Just Opened An Abortion Clinic.. No fetus can defeat us
Did you know that you could cool yourself to absolute zero... and still be 0K?
Your momma's so ugly... ... that on Halloween, the kids give their candy to *her*!
A scientist couple had identical twins... They named one Peter and the other one Control Group.
Guys, I think I just came up with a new joke! Why don't they drill holes in golf clubs? Cause then there would be a hole in one!
What's more Irish than eating potatoes? Not eating potatoes.
What did the boy with no legs and arms get for Christmas? Cancer
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Why are the mountains in Switzerland called "the Alps"? Because when people fall off of 'em, they yell AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLPPPP!!!!!!!!
I'm designing a new model of jackhammer It could be ground-breaking technology!
I was having trouble sending text messages to my friend yesterday - so I text him "test" this AM. He quickly responded back - "icle"........
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you'll find your soulmate
I have a lips.
How do you put a baby into a small bowl? Put it in the blender first How do you get it out? Tortilla chips
I want to write about what's happening on reddit... ...but I can't spell "drama" without "AMA."
How did Harry Potter get down the hill...? Walking... Jk Rowling.
Sadly, my day requires pants.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there's no jesus
How does a woman know she's sleeping with a forklift driver? He beeps twice before coming through the flaps.
Did you hear about the sorcerer that turns people into prostitutes? He's whorifying!
I just drilled a bunch of holes It was a lot of boring work.
Do you remember blowing Bubbles as a kid? Well he's back in town.
Did you hear the one with the baby that had AIDS? Never gets old.
Nothing's labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric. ~ Alice's Yelp review of Wonderland
There's a high proportion of people with ASD in scientific fields. Autism causes vaccines.
You must have been born on a highway... Beacuse that's where most accidents happen
Been coughing all day. Can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
The world's finest super spy at work: an interview
I'm so tired I could sleep a horse
What do you call a bunny with a crooked dick? FUCKS FUNNY
If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal then she's a keeper
I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.
Women don't want to hear a man's opinion... ...They just want to hear their own in a deeper voice. (Credit to Jeff Foxworthy)
I was very disappointed to have to pay for my new roof. The builder had promised me it would be on the house.
What do you call a man with no hands and a book? A read-only man.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said "I'm sorry, but you're just too immature." I looked her dead in the face and said "Get the fuck outa my treehouse!"
No thanks, granola bars with no chocolate in them
I like my coffee served the same way like I like my women... A cup
Friend: How do you spell "SHOP"? Me: S-H-O-P Friend: How do you say it? Me: "Shop" Friend: What do you do when you get to a green light?
Why do Jews like to watch porn backwards?? Cause they love the part when the hooker returns the money!
I hope when you get to heaven, they give you a photo album with all the pictures you're in the background of.
*Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest* "Oh, you meant... you meant it like... ugh. Well that was a waste of time"
What do you get when an ice-cream truck breaks down on the side of the road? A cold shoulder.
I just killed a man Knifely done
What do you call a gay black man? A homiesexual
My parents are pretty middle aged. "So? That's pretty norm-" *two knights bust in* "CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?"
Tip from my mom: Always wear your bathrobe when at home. Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you're "just about to hop in the shower".
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????
The space race shows that there's no limit to what human ingenuity can achieve When they really want to prove they're better than some other bastard.
[having sex] Me: Oh ya you like that? Her: Deeper! Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?
What is the difference between like, love, hate, and showing off? Spit, swallow, bite, and gargle.
Why did Eric Clapton make the switch from PC to Apple? Well because he had a horrible experience with windows. (credit to Neil Hamburger for this amazing joke)
Him: I won't bore you with the details. Me: Too late for that.
I saw a truck with donkeys in the trailer... It was hauling ass.
Why did the mummy stop using the Internet? He was getting far too wrapped up in it.
Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
The number of my farts. . . is gastronomical.
What's it called when a smell dates his sister? Incense!
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
What is the difference between a woman and a terrorist? With a terrorist you can negotiate
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Have you heard about the 2 tampons that could never get dates? [language] They were both stuck up cunts.
I'm writing a research paper on banning shredded cheese in supermarkets and instead only selling cheese is large blocks. The title is "Make America Grate Again."
What do pizza boys and gynaecologists have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it! (Joke from sikipedia)
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog ?  A croaker spaniel !
I like my women like I like my coffee ground up and easily dissolved.
The doctor comes to a patient Doc: You have cancer and alzheimer. Patient: That's fine, atleast i don't have cancer.
What number is the oddest prime number? 2 Source: My discrete professor
I was in work the other day when a stunning Thai girl walked in. She was gorgeous. all I could think was 'don't get a boner, don't get a boner, don't get a boner.' She *did*.
This is a terrible week for Thanksgiving This time, Turkey is doing the roasting ijusthadtoimsosorry
On the scene of a murder.. "Detective, we found a pool of blood in the suspect's room!" "Hm, sounds disgusting. Clean it up and continue looking for evidence."
How do you find a black person? Guilty as charged.
Why do they call it a chicken coupe? If it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
Figured this is an appropriate time to tell this. What is an Undertaker's favorite element? Barium.
What is 4,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
I left my iPhone 7 in my car seat When I came back, the car window was broken. Someone had left another iPhone 7 in my car. So not fair!
How do you know when a vampire is sick? He starts coffin...
Remember if you ever get mugged, don't yell "Help." Yell, "Oh my god! It's Justin Bieber!"
That awkward moment when you see someone that you've been texting all day and you have nothing to say because you already know everything.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a homosexual? One's crack is in a junkie and the other's junk is in a crack.
God created the orgasm so women can whine when they're happy too.
I tried some of those little, rabbit Peeps... (they tasted just like chicken)
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes  in the bathroom.
A groom stood naked in front of a mirror... and said " 2 inches more, and I'd be a king!" His bride saw her chance and replied " 2 inches less, and you'd be a *queen*."
What do you call Tinder for an amputee? Timber
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrh.
What kind of bait do you need to catch a master fish? Super Bait
What's the difference between a kindergarten class and an ISIS camp? I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought 'wow that's not safe' & at second glance thought 'wow that guy's on fire'
The Chinese coined the phrase ''It's not you, it's me'' while looking at family pictures.
"I think we should start touching other people." -Blind couple breaking up.
Why did they have to call Aquaman Aquaman Because they couldn't call him Seaman
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
A woman who's PMSing and a terrorist... What is the difference between a woman who is PMSing and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What do waiters and prostitutes have in common? Just the tip.
Air conditioning? Not a fan
Circumcision is a sensitive subject... ...but not as sensitive as it used to be.
What do you call a pushy asshole potato? A dic-tater.
You know whats funnier than Philly... Your Religion
I get asked all the time why I play in a gay basketball league It's because I love going up and down the hardwood.
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear? Sneakers
What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear? White vans Edit: when /u/Sninfessor beats your joke
Embracing mistakes.... I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister &amp; me.
What do you call an abominable snowman who's always late? A not-yeti.
What made the quality assurance supervisor in an Amazon warehouse laugh? this
I nearly puked on my girlfriend, but she moved out of the way just in time She ducked my sick
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can't learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80's montage.
"One man's trash is another man's treasure".. ..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.
What blood type does a motivational speaker have? B Positive!
I found an plot of soil yesterday. I went back to the site today and found even more soil... The plot thickens...
Why did the masochist STOP hitting himself on the head with a hammer ? Because it hurt.
a muslim, a jew, a christian and an atheist walk into a coffee shop... and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. thats what happens when you're not an asshole.
If you get invited to an AT&T; executive's wedding, don't go. The reception will be terrible.
Why didn't Jesus play during the Isreal-Palestine soccer game? He got suspended.
If I had a dollar for every time Hillary said "making the economy work for everyone, not just those at the top"... ...the economy would work for me.
I went to a zoo yesterday that just had one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.
[PUN]I think I saw a beautiful juniper. Maybe it's fir... or maybe it's maple-ine.
What's Macho Man Randy Savage's favourite capital city? Skopje!!
Home Depot is having their "ultimate tool event" in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
A joke about Serenity [Spoilers] How do Reavers clean their spears? They put them through the Wash. Sorry.
What happened to the Japanese Senator with Erectile Dis-function that didn't get enough votes this year. He rost the erection.
What was Camelot famous for ? It's knight life !
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner All it was doing was gathering dust.
Girls are like rocks skip the flat ones
Whats a similarity between planes and girls? they both have cockpits
How do gold diggers get you to be with them? They use their booby traps
How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little nazis. Oldie but still good.
You are so sweet... ...is your zodiac sign caries?
Does jack Nicholson have it right? Absolutely! Lol so funny and true! http://imgur.com/Ty82Ugc http://imgur.com/69lQnye
I went on a date with a girl called simile... But I don't know what I metaphor.
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is a very useful information.. If you're moving and you need help carrying a potato chip across town.
What do you call a Woman who can balance 3 pints of Lager on her head? Beatrix
What's it called when two retarded lesbians have sex? Sthaftey scthissors!
Yo momma so ugly .. Her portraits hang themselves
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I'm going to kill myself.... or die trying.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she's in charge of North Korea.
The average person has sex 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
A blonde walks into a bar... Ouch
How does an elephant hide in the jungle? It paints its balls red and climbs up a cherry tree. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A giraffe eating cherries.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like not being allowed to leave the table until you finish your brussels sprouts.
What does Nixon's Head use to thicken up etouffee? A roooooooux!
Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam? Every time somebody yelled, "GET DOWN!" they'd get up and dance.
I had sex for an hour and 20 seconds today... Thank you daylight savings time.
Seriously Alejandro, stop calling Gaga. I think she's made it pretty clear she's not interested and frankly you can do better.
How can you tell when someone does crossfit? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Titties and explosions. Plot line optional. #HollywoodPostItNote
Apparently it's okay for the office to have "casual Friday's," but "nudist Tuesday's" are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
What do you get when you hold two green balls tightly in your hand? A leprachaun's undivided attention.
Mom: Take out the trash *I take the trash on a lovely date* Mom: Not what I meant *I assassinate the trash in an ally* Mom: Still wrong
I woke up hungover but couldn't make myself throw up. So I guess I have a lotta shit to deal with today.
If a guy spread rose petals all over my apartment, I would literally look at him and just be like: "I'm not picking this up."
What do you call an exploding horse? Neigh-Palm
I still remember that moment I said I love you too, coz that's the exact moment my life got fucked up!
What did Sandy Hook elementary get in the mail instead of new books? Empty Magazines.
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
I was going to get my certification to be an official Life Coach!... ...but I just never really got around to it.
Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek are scaling down a mountain with a group of hikers. However, one of the safety clips snap. Who's in jeopardy?
Been going to the gym now for 6 weeks and have noticed some huge improvements. For one, they've fixed the water cooler.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? full.
Don't talk shit about someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
A guy once told me that his favorite pastime was calculating averages. I asked him, "What do you mean?"
A guy spilt his cup of milk on me How dairy!
You're momma so fat... When she watches sports she roots for half off Papa John's.
I don't make the same mistake twice. I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you're already married to them.
Have you heard about the late great actor? "Wow, he's dead?" *Actor strolls in* Nope, just never on time.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
TIL Tim Gibbons, a reclusive gastroenterologist, has the only fart preserved in a jar on record since 1983... *owner of a lonely fart*
Prison Guard: "So you two cons are in love?" Con1: "Yes." Con2: "It's like we finish each other's..." *in unison* "death sentences."
Me....." Hurry up honey or we'll be late." Wife.. "Oh, be quiet, Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
Playing as japan in a ww2 game You know I never really liked Japanese weaponry... there just not my type
The most offensive jokes thread? I'll start What is the difference between chopping up a baby and an onion? - chopping up an onion makes you cry.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
What do you get when you eat a bunch of uranium? Atomic ache
If the black man got shot, these guys get fired. Secret Service guys, cuz you know.
I'm glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn't want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
You don't really know what's pain in the ass until.. ...you've had a hemorrhoid.
My dad is a blackjack dealer. He hit me until I was 21.
I have a UDP joke. I hope you get it.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves Shot
Hey can you pick up summa of the way home? Me: Hey, on your way hone can you pick up summa? Wife: Summa what? Me: Summa DEEZ NUTS
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
I wish I was a little bit kidding when I say that I just chose peanut M&Ms over regular ones because protein
Friend's Fb post: In search of a coat hanger My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car? I've been on Twitter too long
I was walking past a chemist when... I got hit with a bottle of omega-3. Its ok I only suffered super-fish-oil injuries.
One time I fell asleep on a pile of change. When I woke up, my face looked like Mount Rushmore. (This isn't so much a joke as just something that happened.)
Yet another yo mama joke Yo mama so fat that when she hauls ass it takes her 2 trips.
The Grammar Nazis burst in. "We know you're harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies" "There ain't no Jews here!" "Double negative! Search the attic, boys"
I like my women how I like my toll pass Funded and mounted
What country has 6 faces, and 8 points? Cuba
Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die?? Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is
Santa isn't coming this year! Someone shot his Rudolph!
What's the difference between r/jokes and your mom's vagina? Your mother's vagina gets some new content every once in a while.
So some Mexican lady named Patricia listened to the new Adele and cried so much she's flooding Mexico
Waiter what's this bug doing waltzing around my table ! It's the band sir they are playing his tune !
Some old man was driving 20Mph the whole way home, as if he'd never seen snow before. Boy everyone sure got mad at me.
I took my prostate exam the other day and... So just last week I went for my first prostate exam. It was really difficult and I couldn't answer most of the questions
Coke Zero Pepsi One Well played Pepsi.
How many Chiropractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but they'll take 30 visits to do it.
In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami
Lil Wayne, Chris Brown, and Pitbull walk into a bar. Drake ducks.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus
Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey!
How do you make the king leer? Put the queen in a bikini! (From krusty the klown)
Why was 6 afraid of 7? 1:"Why was 6 afraid of 7?" 2:"Because 7 ate 9" 1:"Ah very good, but why doesn't it matter?" 2:...I don't know 1:"because 6, 7 ate. 6 was already a goner"
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you're wearing them?
Do you want to know why I called your girlfriend a tractor? Because she's an upgrade to that hoe you had earlier.
I decided to cancel my gym membership today... ...just didn't work out.
What's different for Sean Connery when he has sex with his wife or with a prostitute? It's the shame.
MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.
What did the dog say after stepping off a sailboat? Wharf!
I bought some Bose stocks today. It was a sound investment.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Reforming FIFA analogy-1 Reforming FIFA by Sep Blatter is like reforming Tax for wealthy people by Donald Trump
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets ? To run his hands through his hair.
An electron and a positron went into a bar and got totally annihilated.
new kitten So I decided to teach my kitten to write. You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily. Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)
What do they call Chipotle in Canada? Chipotl-eh
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was out standing in his field
Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they're wearing camouflage?
Q: How many over eager PA's does it take to screw in a li... A: Done!
Why did all the Black people move to Detroit? Because they heard there were no jobs there.
Mother: Did you enjoy the school outing dear ? Jane: Yes and we're going again tomorrow. Mother: Really ? Why's that ? Jane: To try and find the kids we left behind.
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are sitting at a bar... I know because Reddit reposted it and it made the front page.
Who was the most powerful cat in China ? Chairman Miaow !
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
"Oh, are you driving?" -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Why can't a dog clap in the middle of a movie? Because it keeps hitting pause.
Why did the kid steal the fan? He wanted to be cool.
I saw a chameleon today.......he wasn't very good at being a chameleon.
How many plates do you need to draw a picture? Tenplates
Yo girl, I'm a meteorologist and... I predict around 8 inches tonight.
What do you call a hard working machine? Juan Deer
You know why fencers subscribe to /r/Jokes? Because they always appreciate a riposte.
What do condoms and taxes have in common? Republicans are against them and democrats want more for schools.
wanna hear a really bad joke Go to r/jokes and go to the new category
Job interview with the NSA Applicant: Would you like references? NSA: We have everything we need. App: You guys! NSA: I know, right!
When does a Smurf pull his pants down? Once in a blue moon.
A woman told me I seem like I "need a blowjob," which has all the insight of a psychic telling a crowd "someone here has lost a loved one."
Why was the drug dealer late? Because he tripped
What did the prairie dog say to the the coyote?
All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous. I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.
How do you become a millionaire in post-Brexit UK? First, start off with a billion pounds..
Teacher: You've been e-mailing other pupils that I'm ugly! Pupil: Sorry miss I didn't realise you wanted to keep it a secret.
Your mama is so dirty Her crabs have dirt bike races.
I found a satanic puzzle in the toilet today. It was a loo cipher
Catch a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish (read the rest as Groucho Marx) and you'll never see him on the weekends.
ATTN: Brazilian football fans Don't feel too bad. Your team only lost by a touchdown.
Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries? A: Under "Home Improvements."
What noise does a homosexual horse make? Geigh
Where did Christ get his ripped abs? Cross fit
I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me. I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date Much more satisfying.
Did you hear the one about the three deep holes in the ground? Well, well, well...
If I had a dollar everytime I saw a hipster... I'd have an obscure amount
Years ago I went to a job placement agency. I left disappointed. Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I don't know where else to put this, and I know reddit hates it, but if you have ok Google, ask 'what does the fox say?' I love their sense of humor.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. ISIS laughs.
Hey, thanks for defining the word "many" for me... It means a lot.
What do you call a Jewish rock band? I want my nickelback
Roses are red, And sometimes thorny, When I think of you, It makes me horny.
A yoga pants owner, an uggs owner, and an iphone owner walks into a starbucks She orders a drink - Pumpkin Spice Latte
Doctor Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
What is a good dog? A dead dog.
You can drink lava But only once
What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died? I can't bereave it!
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. In many cases this will mean showing up to the interview in a pirate suit.
If these grapes were drugs I'd be overdosing like a child star of the 80s.
Bruce Jenner never liked having a dick... ...and it just grew on him.
These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I'm going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.
Two goldfish are in a tank... One said, "you man the guns, and I'll drive".
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: I'm not sure. Over.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
Did you guys see the movie about the hotdog? It was an Oscar Wiener
My ex-wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha teperature
So a new company just become the official sponsor of the Special Olympics! Downy! Everybody deserves softer uniforms!
Just when I think I've run out of tweets, I come up with this one.
"Special today! Jokes, half off!" "I'll take one." "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "I don't know, why?" "Sorry, that's all you get."
Just got my free yearly car wash Thanks California!
When I die I want my group project members to lower me into my grave So they can let me down one last time.
*on the karaoke mic* "I normally don't sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don't mind if I do this naked"
If the house is in the kitchen, and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana? A state (Indiana)
I love how baguettes get stale after about 12 hours. Life is so beautiful and fragile.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS: 1. Am I pregnant? 2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water? If it sinks, it's a girl. If it floats, it's buoyant
A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?"
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!
Brad Pitt: lets get back together Jennifer Anniston : We broke up 12 years ago!!! Brad pitt: We were on a break!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Aladdin ! Aladdin who ? Aladdin the street wants a word with you !
Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant  ?" Pupil:"You don't have to find them they're too big to lose  !"
It's because it's Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That's why. What Papa is doing right now is called an "autopsy". Stop crying.
I wonder if mirrors every get tired of having their picture taken.
One man's trash is another man's girlfriend.
If someone won't lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it's time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye.
Thank God for nipples... Without it..... Boobs would be pointless
Why do they call your dick "Robin Hood?" Cuz I'm a girl stealer and I still have my foreskin ;)
Aw, this paint is already dry. Guess I'll watch baseball.
I thought I would enjoy a baby shower... ...but who wants to be covered in red spaghetti? Plus the little holes in the showerhead seem to clog a lot.
got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books
What do you call a black man in a tree? A branch manager.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I'm in a t-shirt while she's rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil
Appreciate this tweet. Appreciate it because I tweeted it stealthily on the plane AFTER they told me to turn my phone off twice.
Why wasn't Jesus born in the United states? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
My uncle Aaron is sort of the black sheep of the family because his skin is black & everybody else's is white.
Many ravens are called a congress... Owls are a parliament, eagles are a convocation and crows are a murder. Does this mean that a group of vultures are a corporation?
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Reminds GOP that Obama's not a radical brown-skinned antiwar socialist giving away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.
What do you call a communist video streaming service? Niet-flix.
Why is the door to heaven always open? Because Jesus was born in a barn.
Alien: we are here to enslave you Me: *not looking up from phone* huh? Alien: I SAID.. Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I'll do it
What does Bill Clinton tell Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 45 min.
I just got a new hearse Everyone is dying to take a ride in it
Jew joke Why are Jewish men circumcised? Their women won't touch anything that's not 20% off
Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day!
Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood. By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
There were 2 cows in a field and one says "mooo" and the other says... "I was going to say that"
What's the difference between a bitch and a slut? A slut will fuck everybody in the room a bitch will fuck everybody in the room, except for you.
Somewhere in this world, a woman is giving birth to a baby every 3 seconds. We have to find this woman and stop her.
I saw a weird competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have intercourse with them self wins. So I entered myself.
How many chains does it take to enslave a black person in the twenty-first century? Two Chainz.
You know when you lie, things can get out of hand very quickly....... For example I heard about a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant and now there is an entire religion.
Me: "Stay back! I'm an expert when it comes to karate!" *mugger approaches* Me: "Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands."
What's a feminists worst nightmare? Fat free milk
Brad Pitt. While you're helping the world, please feed your wife.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy" *hope
I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby
What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in her wheelchair
What's a monkey's favorite snack? Rhesus Peanut butter cups!
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a  meal ? That hit the spots !
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who's boss ME: damn right [later] ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Twitter: "Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican"
What did the banker get for Christmas? My 401k
I like making silly faces in group photos because it's better to look ugly on purpose
Finally an international statesman supports Prism ....Kim Jong Un says it's a great idea.
How can you tell the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him? The picture doesn't scream when you hang it.
She claimed to be a copy editor but she had no proof.
Who invented tap dancing? A father with six daughters and only one bathroom! :)
What is an orphan's favourite drink? Fosters.
What did the racist chef say to Lenny Kravitz? Get to the back of the oven...
Where do Italian gangsters come from? The spaghetto
[karate sign up table] "Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class"
"I am as misquoted as Marilyn Monroe." - Abe Lincoln
Daddy Are you my son?
What do you call five black people having sex? a threesome
i thought eyelashes were meant to keep shit out of your eye but half the time theres anything in my eye its a fucking eyelash
a joke about a lawyer Q: why did the lawyer get written up for sexual harassment? A: he kept asking people if they had seen his briefs.
Why didn't Santa's father get a ticket for speeding in the sleigh? A grandfather claus got him out of it!
OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they're going to commercial. #SNL40
Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman
"Carrie" is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.
The new Pope So now that the new Pope is Argentinian they may say that they own Vatican City because they had a temporary residance there. It's not like it has happend before.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
Nothing is more terrifying than putting back a shirt without folding it and then making eye contact with the shopping assistant.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, "Which one's yours?" I replied, "None of them... yet."
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I like working out. Sometimes I still feel like I have the body of a teenager, but then I remember I buried that slut like, a week ago.
Went to a zoo that only had one dog It was a ShitZoo
I hate it when you buy a packet of M&amp;Ms And it's full of W's.
What's the difference between a prostitute with irritable bowel syndrome and an epileptic oyster? You have to shuck the oyster between fits.
How can you get a million dollars in a week? Start with 10 million and become a day-trader.
How is a Mac like a Queen's guard? They're both run by Unix.
Why doesn't smokey the bear have a wife? Anytime she gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph, because he's not big enough to be an ese.
The best sex is like an old saloon. Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
Women need security -when I'm around.
I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Wanna hear a joke? Rays legs.
Things I hate: lists, Oxford commas, and irony.
Longest Joke ever Loading...
So apparently Adrian Peterson is trying out for Major League Baseball teams... A lot of teams like that he is a switch hitter...
My son's default mode is "protester being dragged out of a political rally."
The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
I'm a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I hate Russian Dolls They're full of themselves.
[using ouija board] Why isn't he responding to us? I'm annoyed H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Recent documents have shown Mussolini was one of biofuels' first advocates, using them extensively in Italy, even for public transport He made the trains run on thyme
Where is everyone beautiful? In the dark.
What do you call a Saudi cow? A moo-slim
When I want to trim down my friend's list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
What did ISIS say after the terrorist attack? Nice
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
So a horse walks into a bar... The patrons of the bar then proceed to scream in surprise because there's A FREAKING HORSE IN THE BAR.
Kayne and Kim name their new daughter "North" I hope there's a perfume coming: "North" by North West.
The amount of duplicates on this subreddit
What do you call a promiscuous fat woman? A sperm whale. --- \**awaits SRS downvote brigade**
"I know exactly how you feel." *staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
... Your future
I'd rather cuddle than have sex *then
Did you hear about the Middle Eastern beauty contest? Me neither.
I just added Princess Diana to my xbox friends list. I don't think she has any games though, all she does is spend all day on the dashboard...
What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts!"
Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+
why did the chicken cross the road? to show the deer how it's done
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Sperm whales were created when Chuck Norris masterbated in the ocean.
If you screwed up something in a science lab, who do you tell? **Not** Neil deGrasse cause he will grass on you!
I don't pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald's sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I've been asking God to send me my soul-mate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.
[Safari] "Remember, when you're near water beware of wild hippos." Don't worry, I'm prepared for that. *shows handful of white marbles*
Bad Mother Mick, do you think I'm a bad mother? My name is Paul.
What's the difference between A pope and THE pope? bout tree fiddy.
911: what's your emerg- ME: I'VE BEEN SHOT 911: ...why would you interrupt me like that?
What do you call a student that graduates bottom of their class in Med school? A doctor.
How did the drunk Irish man lose 30$? He bet 10$ on the soccer game and 20$ on the replay.
Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.
Blonde joke of the day Q: What is the difference between a blonde, and a rooster? A: A rooster says cockadooledoooo, a blonde says, anycockwill
(At the dentist) 'Your grinding isn't good.' Excuse me! I've never had a man complain before.
okay ready? What if ancient egyptians put cats on everything because they totally saw the future and they knew what the internet was about
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale PATIENT: Ok DR DOG: I'll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated? Discuss
Why do they call it PMSing? Mad Cow disease was already taken.
I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I'v never paid $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my face
*Receives good, solid, sound advice. *Does exact opposite.
A good way to meet a lot of cops is to put a "Baby On Board" sticker on a picnic basket tied to a motorcycle.
Why don't chicken coops have four doors? They would be chicken sedans
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out 'Batman, your cape.'
Batman doesn't have nightmares Nightmares have batman
What do you call a sleep walking nun? A roman catholic.
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? ... Denim denim denim
Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You're blocking the TV.
Where does the USB key come from? Uzbekistan!
Warning: NSFW Jokes
What happens when two bald men put their heads together? They make an ass of themselves
What do you do if life gives you melons? You're dyslexic.
Customer: Can someone else serve us? Me:? C:I don't want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos. M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Yo mama so poor [21st Century Update] she still has her daddy genitals
A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.
An orchestra concert is no place for a child. Sometimes there's intense violins
What do a big bar of chocolate and a frag grenade have in common? Everybody gets a piece.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
What's another name for a dinosaur? A thesaurus.
What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes. I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Knock Knock..... who's there? Owls. Owls Who? Yes they do...
I'm like a bike... My girlfriend never rides me.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I'm in there
Stereo types exist for a reason. Because not everyone wants a Sony.
So, I decided to give Reddit a try... It has its ups and downs.
There needs to be a Meat Likers Pizza for those of us afraid of commitment.
TIL Supreme Court judge kidnapped by cannibals in the Caribbean! Justice was served.
I got 99 problems and each of them is being able to make relevant pop culture references.
Why would Helen Keller be a terrible driver? She's dead.
"False Information" spells out "False Information" backwards.
Are you made of berillium, gold and titanium? Because you are BeAuTiful.
Hippocrates was pretty damn smart ... for a horse.
Why did the lesbian cross the road? To get to the other bride! *Congrats, America!*
Jihadi John Guess he's Jihadi gone now
got kicked out of cub scouts as a kid... for eating a brownie...
USERS: you're alienating the people who actually use your product TWITTER: likes are now florps USERS: what TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Almost had a threesome last night.... Just needed two more people (Sure its been done before but I couldn't resist)
A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
All these years and the "insert thumb and lift" tab on macaroni and cheese boxes is still lying to us.
Sandeep the indian wifebeater punches his wife at 7pm every night On the dot
If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.
TIFU by telling a terrorist joke to my Muslim girlfriend. She blew up in my face.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise. No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the
When you think about it, Steve Irwin died the same way he lived his life. With animals in his heart.
Aspirin Before climbing into bed, a man sets down a glass of water and an aspirin on his wife's bedside table. "What's this for? I don't have a headache" she says. "Good. Let's fuck."
What did the man say when he walked into a bar? "Ouch!"
What do you call a child with no arms and no legs swimming in a pool? Bob.
How do you annoy a Reddittor? Repost
My boss is so inappropriate at work Whenever there's an opportunity for innuendo he slips it in
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, "dang, someone's already got the murdering covered here"
Why couldn't Elsa hold on to a balloon? She would always let it go.
Did you know Stalin got hit in the groin with a potato when he was young? That's how he became a dictator.
I shouldn't have agreed to be a cowboy's target dummy for lasso throwing practice. How did I get roped into this?
Why would a dentist make a good airport security guard? They both enjoy a good cavity search!
I met a woman at happy hour... She had a tattoo on her bikini line. It was a picture of a conch shell. She said "If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean".
Why are iPhones' batteries not called apple juice Because they don't have enough juice in them ^Explanation: ^circlejerk ^on ^iPhone's ^battery ^running ^out ^fast don't kill me pls, i love apple ^yay
Did we ever figure out how... Suga Suga got so fly?
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm? He has a flashing light.
Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker? Me: No, that's all I saw *shows me it's just a picture of a fist* Me: *sobbing* That's him
I'm 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Why should you never have sex in an Olive Garden? Because when you're there, you're family.
/u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.
I found out "penis" means "tail" in Latin. That must be why chasing tail never ended well for me.
Why did King Kong paint the bottoms of  his feet brown? So that he could hide upside down in a jar of peanut butter.
Every time you use a q-tip... you turn a q into an o
Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet... in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
How does Mario talk to the dead? With a luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.
How would I describe myself in three words? Eats anything. Beyonce.
My friend explained to me how the work of electricity was measured... I just sat there like watt...
Why do Televisions have buttons? because they cant have zippers
I like my diamonds like I like my steak. Bloody
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.
People are saying that the Kardashians think Khloe's new boyfriend doesn't love her. They think he's simply using her to be famous or as they put it, "Welcome to the family."
A Dyslexic Devil Worshipper Sold his Soul to Santa.
"Hi, My name is John Foreman and I run a cabinet making business." John said counter-productively.
ME: Do we have Bacon Bits? WIFE: Fridge. Why? ME: *filling pockets* No reason *dog park* PERSON: Sorry. He's normally behaved ME: No prob
What does a martial artist get at starbucks Chai Tea
What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale.
How do you know if someone truly loves fast food? It has a special place in their hearts
The best racist joke What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!
How is a rabbit like a plum? They're both purple except for the rabbit.
Camels don't mind carrying Arabs around... They just think they smell like Shi'ite.
Out for the Count by Esau Stars
I would like to buy a vowel... But they don't take SNAP.
What do you call a ghost who only haunts the Town Hall? The nightmayor.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm pretty? Cop: No Me: Because I'm on Twitter? Cop: No Me: Officer I can do this all day
Sarah Palin
I got arrested for sexually assaulting my teacher I was homeschooled
Can someone finish this joke? My friend wrote this much before he committed suicide:"Three prostitute nuns walk into a bar..."
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex. ....my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I'm sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Girlfriend gone and no Internet. Just jerked off to Halo menu screen music.
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.
Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church? He was invited to thunday math.
Sometimes I'll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them
What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper? About 2 weeks.
Did you hear about the shirt that needed to lose weight? It runs big.
You're born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive......
What is the most annoying part of boiling vegetables? Finding a pot big enough for the wheelchair.
The tennis factory near me got closed down after local residents complained... Apparently they were making a racquet.
Hmmm... If I throw a watch in the garbage.... Is that considered a waste of time..?
What did the buffalo say to his kid when he sent him off to college? Bison
A termite walks into a club. 'Is the bar tender here?'
What's the first thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield. Its asshole.
I fucked a girls butthole.
What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song? Do You Hear what I Hear?
Today is a big day for the Chinese. Erection Day
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator.
I want to see a documentary about Morgan Freeman that is narrated by wild animals.
Where do Canadians play Basketball? In the NB - "eh"
Civil war To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? You'd think it was some really obscure number, but it's just one, ironically.
How do you find a girl with no legs? Follow the slime trail.
Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend? Nah, I've never met herbivore.
My Girlfriend said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with pointing out obvious escape routes... So I showed her the door.
Everyone wanted to go to Arch Strength, or Arch Dexterity, even to Arch Luck. Can't for the life of me think why noone wanted to go to Arch Wits.
We attract people who are reflections of ourselves. So beware of anyone who wants to be with you when you're an emotional wreck.
Q: How are an elephant and a plum the same? A: They're both purple, except for the elephant.
What do you think of Miles Davis? he kind of blew
The New York Knicks
Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's? A: Historically insignificant.
What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card? I love the pokey, mon.
I don't need a girlfriend, I can just play Pokemon Go The servers go down on me every day
If I could be a woman for 24 hours, I would probably spend most of it telling myself to shut the fuck up
What's the difference between beer nut and deer nuts? Beer nuts will cost you about $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck.
So a woman walks out of the kitchen... ...
Who doesn't like a hot date? A necrophiliac.
I got a blowjob for Valentine's Day. (NSFW) I'm so fucking fucked if my wife finds out.
I was gonna make a gay joke but thats intolerant.
There's a procrastinators contest First to claim the prize wins
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well beer nuts are usually around a buck fifty, and deer nuts are always under a buck.
I have the ability to hate people based solely on the sound of their cough.
Where do farm animals get their groceries? The pharmacy.
Did you hear about the stupid snake? He lost his skin.
You only miss something when you notices something is gone... Only now I realise how many words requires the letter W because my keyboard can't type 'W'.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Abel ! Abel who ? Abel to see you ha ha!
What did the dog say when he was sick. Barf! barf!
When god is having a day with low self esteem... ...is He atheist because He doesn't believe in Himself?
I don't like jokes about the Holocaust. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell out of a guard tower.
The only time a moth flies in a straight line is... while farting
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
It's unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I'm willing to go through for lactose.
What is the new fad diet for ghost developers? The Boolean.
So I wanted to write a joke about the lack of aplomb demonstrated by the police recently in Texas. But that would resemble a bomb, and I might get in trouble.
What's the difference between a dick and a joke? You can't take a joke (    )
Had tea instead of coffee this morning & now I play a house servant in the new season of Downton Abbey.
Yo mama's got so many balls lined up ready to score, her nickname is Basketball Practice.
i bet the first guy to say "smooth as a babies bottom" wasnt the most respected man in the community
If stupidity was a crime... Sarah Palin would be public enemy #1
I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing... And now my pet snake has a huge tumor
my doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
[Text convo] Her: Can I come over right now? Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
What do you call a Pakistani prostitute in France? Lahore.
No matter how far you push the envelope it will still be stationery (I know how to spell stationary)
Did you hear about the new in-flight corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere
Did ya hear about the guy who got his hand caught in the printing press? He's in all the papers. ...Ba-dum bum
Walk up to random strangers on the street and say, "I love your podcast!" You'll make 3 out of 5 of them very happy.
Which fly makes films ? Stephen Speilbug !
How can you tell that a politician lies? His lips are moving
Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue? Don't you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?
What did the raped dog said to the PETA activist? Thank god I am not an African kid.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing green spots." "Have you seen an optometrist?" "No, just green spots."
Speaking of jokes that aren't funny cut it out with the abortion ones
A computer developer after spending time with his girlfriend And after he makes love to her he tells her that they're compatible together and to not update the drivers
My GPS stopped working this morning and I'm going to the mall to get a new one I really hope someone with a TomTom left their car unlocked
Every 15 minutes, a woman gets run over. She's starting to get pissed.
Why was the Boy having trouble finding power in the Cul-de-sac? There was no outlet
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? Why do you need electric light when you have a glass ceiling?
Me: I found a job! Mom: That's great! What is it? Me: debt collection! Mom:.... Me..... Mom:... Me: I think you know why I'm calling.
It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn't laugh at something.
What do you call a dead pigeon? A pige-out ...made it myself...
Dead baby joke What the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand? I don't eat sand.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man!
A man walks into an ice cream shop and asks "what's shaking?" The cashier replies "Nepal"
My professor just told the WORST physics joke What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito? Nothing, cause you can't cross a scalar and a vector!
Looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me
What's the worst way to reply to an "I Love You" ?
I like my women like I like my coffee:... ...imported from Columbia in a bag.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get the chinese newspaper. Do you get it??? No??? Me neither, I get the Daily News.
Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.
What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother? You can make an agreement with a terrorist!
I just used 'medieval' and 'archaic' in a text message. I know people, I don't get how I'm not still a virgin either.
So I'm going to start a business offering landscaping, painting, moving and other handy man services called Manuel labor
You know, I thought they were joking when they told me about the clowns. But then I saw them debating on national TV.
I hide my condoms in a box of Nyquil... ...if I use either, I'll blow a load and be asleep in 10 minutes.
What's the most confusing holiday in Harlem? Father's Day
I think someone just called me a "beach"... But I can't be shore.
Why did the little boy drop his icecream? Because he got hit by a car
Enrage the one you love today with a calm, rational explanation.
[over megaphone] "Police! We have you astounded!" "Jim, it's 'surrounded'." "No, I know but look at his face."
What's a doctor's favorite bird? An apothecanary
"President Trump, California is revolting!" "Yeah, and they're also threatening to secede."
What kind of dog can you best see in the dark?  A glowberman pinscher!
What do you call a vampire that can lift up  cars ? Jack-u-la !
Did you hear about the pirate who used to walk the plank every night? Well, he couldn't afford a dog.
"Poop" is quite possibly the shittiest palindrome in the whole English language.
Algebra must have trouble letting go of past relationships... ...it always wants people to find it's x.
My Indian friend decided to take off his turban Hats off to him.
I've stopped dating this girl I met at the Diabetes Camp. Turns out she isn't really my type.
What is Superman's greatest weakness? A bucking horse.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother? Using a Luigi board!
My stepdaughter said the Justin Bieber movie is rated R because people will faint when they see him. I stabbed her with my car keys.
A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar - The bartender looks up and says 'get the fuck out of here!'
Why is the letter "B" so cold? Because its between AC...
Did you hear about the guy who was caught having sex at Sea World? Apparently he did it on porpoise.
Dad Slapped me For my Bad Skilled Jokes
The only highlight of a brutal moving day: Wife: "That's way too big to fit in the back door." 4 people in unison: "That's what she said!"
Oil the single ladies Oil the single ladies Oil the single ladies Oil the single ladies If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas? My bike.
Have you heard the joke about the Butter? I better not tell you, You Might spread it!!!
Which award did the knoc knock joke get? The nobel prize.
Germany loses at home, and Japan beats America in overtime... M. Night Shyamalan's pitch for a World War II movie.
What's the bro-iest airport in the US? LAX
How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.
Whoever said "It takes two to tango"... Clearly never took Spanish.
"yer a magician, harry" hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Shawty dropped to the ground like she ain't got manners There was too much lights for an epileptic girl to handle
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? The pig fell in the mud.
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass??... Very satisfying...
Catfished I met someone online and traveled to their house to hook-up. Knock on the door and a cute blonde opens. I'm pretty pissed, they looked nothing like the 10 year old boy I spoke to.
What's the difference between your girlfriend's yeast infection and the brand of peanut butter your Mom used? The peanut butter was easier to get off the roof of your mouth ...
Support the war on crack. Stop wearing low rise jeans.
Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem...
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.
How do windmills feel about renewable energy? They're pretty big fans
[OC c/o my 9 y.o.] What holds up a bowl's pants? Suspoonders!
Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
I call my penis "the coelacanth"... Because no one has seen it for 66 million years.
What did Tennessee? The same thing that Arkansas
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I'd love to tell you a science joke... ...but all the good ones argon.
Hey, did you hear that I'm dating Carbon Monoxide? They're a little clingy though, it feels like they're suffocating me
I just raped my hi hat White tssst scum
I was walking along a narrow cliff top when... a gorgeous woman was coming from the opposite direction. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off.
What does a doctor say to the new father of a stillborn child? Close, but no cigar.
So a horse walks into a bar... The bartender says: "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to understand English, shits on the floor and walks out of the bar.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
A man walks into a ........ Pulls out a ......... And ........... Piss off Fill in the blanks.
You can tell the gender of an Ant by putting it in water If it sinks: Girl Ant If it floats: Boy ant
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Robin Thicke can't even name a second Robin Thicke song
What's the last thing you want to hear when blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson"
Do you know what band really bugs me? The Aphid Brothers
I hate it when I'm having the most delicious meal in the world and someone walks into the kitchen and tells me to get out of their house.
The awkward moment when people think you're drunk when in fact you're just a blast naturally.
The MAIN reason why I don't let my Girlfriend play my X-Box!! ... I don't have a girlfriend.
Where did the memes make their last stand? The Aylmao
*locks hands with stranger in elevator* im nervous, this is my first time flying
Why do white people's feet get so dirty? They walk on the sins of their ancestors.
How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything? Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one? Me : Today's.
Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine :p
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? (slightly NSFW) A pickpocket snatches watches.
[meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?
An alien, a predator and a terminator walk into a bar... and then... I've got nothing. Someone finish the joke!
Arguing with a greased up Asian... Can be a slippery slope.
Between men and women... There's a vas deferens.
My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.
My mom's daughter said it looked like my foot was making a copy of itself I told her that's mitosis
Ugh, I'm starting to regret getting bangs. "You don't have bangs." Wait, what's that thing you get when a bat bites you? "Rabies?" That's it
Why didn't the buzzard have any luggage on the airplane? Because he ate his carrion.
Snowmen don't 69, they 88.
Why don't you see any transgendered parents? Because they're trans-parent
TIFU by spraying water on a topless model Now all the seats are wet
What did the Native American pirate say when asked his heritage? Arrrrrr Metis!
What do you call fruits that aren't allowed to marry? [OC] Cantaloupes.
A game of cat and mouse, but it's just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Why do emo kids always have the latest technologies?
What do you call someone who is really good at fishing? A master-baiter
Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land. Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox. Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?
"No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No you hang up" *slams phone* Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.
Vincent van Gogh called... He wants his ear back... so that he can hear you on the telephone.
Whats the difference between a wank and an egg? You can beat an egg.
You're a recruiter and Google is not blocked by your company filter. What folder do emails from histrionic venture capitalists go in? [deleted]
My wife and I said we would only smoke after sex.... I have had the same pack of cigarettes since 2007, im starting to get worried about my wife though shes been going through 3 packs a day!
We all know Elton John is amazing on the paino.. But did you know that he sucks on the organ?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word "folks" alive.
I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles. You know...heroin.
Q: Why did the Mummy go to the bathroom? A: To wrap itself in toilet paper!
Q.What do you get when you cross a Fire Chief two Lotus Notes Gurus ? A. FireWeb .... of course!
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like "SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????" and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
What do you call a nerd girl with big boobs? ...iRacky.
How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language.
A sandwich walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
How to make a hormone? Don't pay her
What does Ron Howard ask before watersports? You down with Opie pee?
[making flamingos] God: bird. Adam: got it. G: but it stand still a lot. A: ok.. G: on one leg. A: how high are you? G: make it pink.
Eternal life Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life. Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.
You can't spell Meek Mill.. ..without two consecutive L's.
Old friend: I barely recognize you. "That's the look I was going for. "
What do you call an epileptic cow? Beef jerky
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? .... 'Cause they're ugly and they stink.
What do scientists solve? Che-mysteries!
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide? Because it's too cold out tide.
What did one plumber say to the other plumber? Pipe down.
Why did Adele cross the road? Because she could only say Hello from the other side.
It's "hairs" not the collective "hair" now. I have so few I know each individually by name.
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day? Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.
How many tickles does it take to make an octupus laugh? Ten tickles.
Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence
Why are a lot of Italians named Tony? Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".
"I'm a huge fan." - Peacocks
Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how'd he ever survive.
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? Cause she was a woman ^^sorry
If it weren't for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.
Just donated a kidney. Hope somebody checks that Goodwill box.
Why was Pluto's child unexpected? Because it didn't plan it.
lol at all these fucking idiots in first class, cant even afford a private jet smh
#1 thing not to say to a cop Those look like the handcuffs your wife used on me last night.
If I were a superhero, I'd be Pizza Man. My one-liners would be cheesy, and I'd save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.
Never play poker with a pieces of paper. They're bound to fold.
If Captain America doesn't have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn't fighting for the America I want to live in.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn't notice. So I'm taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that'll help cheer him up a bit.
How do you piss off an entire community with one word? [Deleted]
[bedroom] Me getting out whipped cream: I've been waiting for this Gf: kinky, I like it Me already eating pie: what
"more like president PAJAMA" *obama jumps into pj's, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*
I just told my girlfriend that I was an Italian mite in a past life . I'm a Roman tick at heart.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Just googled "sensible cars" if anyone wants to share an applesauce cup with me at the retirement home.
Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18.
Why were the twin towers sad? Because they ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane.
The flower had an unexpected pregnancy... So it went to Plant Parenthood.
How many feminists does it takes to change a lightbulb? One. ###And it's NOT funny!!!
Why was I named after Adolf Hitler... Well, I certainly wasn't named before him!
What's the hardest part about riding a scooter? Telling your parents you're gay.
2 pedophiles are sitting on a bench and a 12-year-old girl runs by... One turns to the other and says, "Man, I bet she used to be really hot!"
Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day
ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!
What do Japanese people do when they have erections? Vote!
I can't bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal? Let's hear your results 'cause I know you just tried it.
Two toilets go to a potty lol
Velcro... What a ripoff!
Did you know semen leaves the penis at 50 miles per hour? That means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone, but I don't think I got arrested because of the speed.
Girl are you a fox? Because I don't know wtf you're saying.
Pirate joke what I made up What do you call a pirate with two legs, two arms and two eyes? Noob.
What do you call a psychoanalyst's underwear? A Freudian slip.
Watching police ticket people parked incorrectly that are in church right now and understanding that Jesus and karma have a sense of humor
This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.
For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.
who gave a dyslexic child a gift last christmas? Satan
You lost your phone and it is on silent? Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Texts friend: sorry, I'm running late. Friend: no problem, let me know when you're on your way. [ 6 weeks later] Ok I've left.
What do you call mints you can spread through social media? Memementos
You know why the Germans lost WWII? Because storm troopers always miss.
Why doesn't ISIS Like School? Because they always bombed their tests.
Things I hate 1. haters 2. r/jokes 3. lists
What do you call two crows standing side by side? Attempted murder.
The light at the end of the tunnel  are the front lights of a train.
Where do you store your wine? In the cabernet
Obama turns 52 today. Republicans vote to repeal it.
Have you heard the latest Unitarian Universalist miracle? Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.
Narcissist? Let's just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.
Haircut/Sex Correlation Jesus Joke I got that I looked like Jesus a lot when I had longer hair. It's a shame because I got a haircut and have been getting nailed less than the messiah lately.
How did we even waste time before Twitter?
Position of husband is like a split A.C. No matter how loud he is outside, but inside the house, he is designed to remain silent, cool &amp; controlled by remote.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Auntie ! Auntie who ? Auntie glad to see me again !
Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they're famous or stupid
Why is it so hard to find Tylenol in the jungle? Because the parrots eat 'em all. . . . Explanation: Parrots eat 'em all = paracetamol = acetominophen = Tylenol
Three men decide to have a threesome It's tough finding six women.
What did the dog take when he was run down? The license number of the car that hit him.
Two bananas walk into a strip club. One banana looks over at the other and says, "This is quite a peeling."
I have a job as a gym instructor But it isn't working out.
Honey, I Shrunk Wrapped the Samdwiches for the Kids' Lumches is There Anythimg Else You Want Me to Do You Kno Theres a Big Game Tonigt Right
I just read this article about short term memory I don't remember what it was about
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences. It's like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Why did the door to door sales man get nervous and run away? He was selling In-Security Heh yeah i dunno i thought it up in a dream and I'm still half asleep bye
I hate reddit because... ...you cannot take a joke!
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" said mommy bear. "Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"
What do you call a women with 1 leg? ilene
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches.
Ice skaters... ...do it on the slide, if you know what I mean
chin nut What do you call nuts on a wall? A: a wallnut What do you call nuts on a chest? A: a chestnut What do you call nuts on your chin? A: a blowjob
why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Sometimes if you say "Wow, you're tall!" to a tall person they realize they're tall for the first time and thank you with cash
How did jesus get so fit? He did lots of cross fit
What's the best part about dating a black girl? You don't have to meet her father.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up. And throw them.
What do you call a joke with no punch line?
I was chatting with a black guy about having coffee... Playfully, he asked me, "how's your hot chocolate?" "I should ask you," I replied.
What does Reddit and Dating have in common? It wastes your time and you walk away with either tears or a slight chuckle.
Unlike most English people my girlfriend doesn't have bad teeth. She sold them.
I work in an elevator. It has its ups and downs.
If a "cougar" is an older woman who is into younger men, what do you call an older woman who is into younger women? a gym teacher
What cut of beef was Lady Gaga's meat dress made from? Skirt steak. Forgive me.
"I nailed that wood so hard I came..." - Carpenter who really enjoys his job
At this point, every item on drive-thru menus should have "Uhhh..." in front of it.
I would. What kind of idiot would put the punchline in the title?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years Me: That's a long sentence! Judge: Ok - "you get 10 years"
Wife: My family is coming over. Me: ....? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
I promise you that there are three types of people in this world. Those who keep their promises, and those who don't.
A man walks into a bar He stays there my entire childhood
I told my friends a joke about airplanes... ...but it went way over their heads.
French girls are great... For example, my French girlfriend taught me how to eat out in the bush.
" You should date black guys" - how girls tell each other they're fat
Did you hear about the worlds greatest magician? He was walking down the street and turned into a drug store
Q: What are 3 two letter words that say small? A: Is it in.
For Valentine's Day my GF upped my life insurance policy. Unrelated, anyone know why there's a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?
Why does ISIS drink instant coffee? Because they hate French press!
So I decided to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head [Removed]
What did one dehydrated French guy say to the other? What do we do now, Pierre?
how do you confuse a masterbator? 32
What's the difference between an egg and a root? You can beat a good egg
Did I tell you about my Viagra addiction? It was the hardest 6 months of my life.
What State do you go to to ask questions? Al-ask-ya
On a poster in my math class "4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions" The sad thing is my first thought was "Oh good, I'm not alone!"
What's the difference between a strip club and a circus? A circus is full of cunning stunts.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts off by saying, "A man once told me...."
Choosy moms choose Jif. Boozey moms choose Jeff, the abusive, alcoholic boyfriend.
"This is your Captain speaking. My co-pilot just bet me we can't do a barrel roll. So fasten your belts cuz I got five bucks riding on this"
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A: 'ell if I know.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone's kid, and a headache
I asked my North Korean friend how are things over there. He said he can't complain.
Was the discovery of a new planet an accident? or did they planet
What is definition of indefinitely? When your balls are touching her ass, you are in-definatlly
Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A: A guitarist who'd told too many drummer jokes.
Oh shit, I have a boner. Time to stop twittering and get on Chatroulette
What do you call a dead asian? A failure
Why are farmers cruel? Because they pull corn by the ears.
Facebook: Because I like being reminded that I went to school with idiots.
How do you call it when you get a eMail from a Women? FeMail.
[catches your phone before it hits the ground] Whew, that was close! [smashes your phone against the wall] See, that could have happened.
Brown and sticky Whats Brown and sticky? A Stick
What does a promiscuous homosexual have in common with a popular homeless person? They both have a lot of bum buddies.
My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it stinks... So I drove her to New Jersey..
Two muffins were in an oven. One says to the other, "Damn, it's hot in here." The other one says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
What did the hippy say when I told him to get off my couch? Namaste
Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships... and apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.
Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children how do we sleep at night?
They found a cure for pedophiles. They turn them into dyslexics... ... so they go around looking for Pop Tarts instead of tot parts.
I entered Reddit's pun contest.... .... I submitted ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would get an upvote. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I? I am a flag.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you will pay. You have my Word.
Why can't New Zealanders tell you how many sexual partners they've had? Every time they start to count, they fall asleep.
What are the three fastest means of communication? Internet telephone telawoman.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool I gave him a glass of water
What's the difference between a gay man and a curling iron? The gay man won't burn your dick while he's curling your pubes.
What does a white man never want to call a black man that starts with "N" and ends with "R"? Neighbor
The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called "15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions, We Love You Brittani."
That's offensive -- Pikachu is his slave name.
How do you make people lose faith in this sub? This.
Her: OMG! You didn't feed my cat while I was away? Me: Do you remember that time you didn't harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we're even.
Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops? Bloody horrible I said "Put your bikini top back on"
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the snow for too long? Polaroids.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
What's the difference between a black person and a monkey? Nothing
What's the definition of Embarrassing? Running into a wall with a erection and your nose touches the wall first.
What kind of music do balloons hate the most? Pop music.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Paint thinner? Bullshit. Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.
What is a female hockey player's most vivid memory? Her first period on the ice.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case's where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I'm also broke. Genius!
When Catwoman gets older, does she become Cougarwoman?
What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? I didn't do it on porpoise.
A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof
What do you call hardcore backpacking? I don't know, but it's fucking in tents!
What did Archimedes exclaim when he discovered his penis floated in water? URETHRA!
What food reduces a couple's sex life by 90%? Wedding cake
My girlfriend is like the square root of -1 Imaginary
Someone stole all the toilets from my local police station The cops have nothing to go on.
Can February march? No, But April May.
My dad is teaching me to be a hipster He told me to eat my food before its cool.
[press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water
Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.
I can't believe they fired me from the calendar company! I just took a day off!
"THEN HE GOES BACK IN TIME AND THE DOGGIE IS SAD AND ICE CREAM." --My 3 year-old, telling a more coherent story than LOST.
WTF? Anal bleaching Normally I'd be against such a thing, but some assholes just need to lighten up.
Bernie Sanders isn't a Messiah. He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion.
What do you call a Gay dinosaur? Mega-sore-ass!
It's my mom's personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Daughter (5): "Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline" Me: "Well you're short and can't spell chrysanthemum"
What happened when the cannibal ate a minister? He got a taste of religion.
Selfie... Because it's important to realize that it's not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
There's no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.
I always heard that if you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it. But now you're telling me that babies don't like it?
Weird how the guys who say that don't see race always know the black-on-black crime statistics.
Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
What do Australian terrorists say before attacking? Uluruakbar
What do you call a jar of mayonnaise stuck in quicksand? Sinko de mayo
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Poke joke Knock knock? who's there? Shaymin. Shaymin who? Shame in you!
People say I'm odd because... I CAN'T EVEN
[Carnac the Magnificent] Donald Trump Hannibal Lector Liver and fava beans *opens envelope* "Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner"
I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Bird puns I am a bird enthusiast. My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns, but then I realized: toucan play at that game.
Who is the most famous cow in France? Albert Camoo
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
"building-building building building building-building building" (translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I don't need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me
Stop with the phone sex You might get hearing aids
Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I'd say not relating well to other sentient beings. -I meant about the janitor job. Me: Oh ya, I don't know how to sweep
What's the difference between minesweeper and my ex-wife? I've never beaten minesweeper
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards... ...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says give me a beer... ...and a mop
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I was going to tell you a joke about UDP... But I'm not sure if you would get it.
How do you circumcise a whale? You need four skin divers
*wearing an apron and oven mitts* This is an old family recipe *I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
How do you start a Mexican bedtime story? Juans upon a time.
People are freaking out because the Orlando shooter was investigated by the FBI and was able to buy a rifle. But you can also run for president.
What do you call ten thousand pastors setting themselves on fire in protest of marriage equality? A good start.
Patient asks his doctor... A patient asks his doctor, "If I gave up women, wine, and song, would I live longer?" The doctor replies, "No, but it will feel longer."
"youre acting like a big baby" wow great observation dipshit i am basically a baby that has aged a lot and gained weight. we all are
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle] "I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back"
What do you throw to a drowning banjo player? His mandolin.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The worst straw man argument in history was when Sir Mix-a-Lot pretended that some guys hate butts.
A girl asked her boyfriend what the Kamasutra was... He replied "Let me put it this way"
Am sticking to my resolution this year 800x600
Doctor asks a patient... Do you use drugs or alcohol? Patient: Nope, but I vape. Doctor: So a no for sexual activity?
Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you're dying.
What does a retired Olympic sprinter have in common with Bernie Sanders? He quit running.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "It might take awhile for me to get hard, I got laid this morning"
What happens when you scare an old lady? Depends.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
If you are what you eat... If you are what you eat your a dick. HA GOTEEM
What colour T-shirt would win a race? Red, because it runs the most.
Why is Peter Pan such a terrible pilot? Because he Neverlands
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I wrote a poem too. I sneeze. You sneeze. She sneezes. He sneezes. They sneeze. We sneeze. Now I know it's not a very original poem, but it's pretty sick.
Apparently there's this Pokemon character that's a pile of garbage with a face so now I'm famous I guess.
FUNNIEST FIGHT EVER!!!! JUST JOKE VIDEOS
yo mama so fat she has seat belts on the chairs to keep her fat from rolling off!!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between alcoholism and a lobotomy? I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I hate it when... people refer to themselves as animal containers. and yes I'm a hippo crate.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs? Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I need to buy a new inflatable love doll. The one I have now is almost full.
My wise grandfather once told me, "The small things in life are often the most beautiful." Guess that explains my midget fetish.
Why did Eva Braun dislike giving Hitler blowjobs? Because he left a Nazi taste in her mouth.
inncocent child
What do Tits &amp; Model Trains have in common? Tits &amp; Model Trains were both intended for children, but are played with by grown men.
When it boils down to it water is just steam.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I was surprised to learn that the Israeli form of martial art was Krav maga... I always thought they used JEWjitzu...
I'd run a marathon but I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
A little Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow 50 dollars. His dad says, "50 dollars?! Why the heck do you need 40 dollars? 30 dollars is a LOT of money!"
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 Jumpers. They went 79 stories in 10 seconds.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I've been cheating on my diet. I'm not even sure how they'd know that
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.
A friend of mine just had a penis extension. And now his house looks really stupid. -Gary Delaney
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
72 virgins This was it. The suicide bomber was going to blow up the US camp. Little did he know that when he woke up he would be surrounded by 72 engineering students....
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
What does a dishonest frog say? FIBBET
My buddy told me this hilarious joke earlier about Albert Einstein getting a handjob... What a stroke of genius!
To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake, hah, in your face.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
What type of bees make milk? Boo bees
Been throwing away this piece of tape for the last 17 hours
What do Justin Bieber and Adolf Hitler have in common? Neither of them are musicians.
Jokes. What is a black cat's favorite TV show? Miami mice!
Dear Canadians, Who's the cutest little nation? You are! Yes you are! *pinches cheeks*
Why are gas giants always so happy? Because they're so Jovial.
I don't see countries or borders, I don't see color or race or anything that differentiates people. Seriously, I think I fucked up my eyes.
Did you hear about the bird that lost all of its feathers in a volcano? It was moltin'.
I like my women how I like my whiskey... Aged 12 years
i've been in love only two times in my life and one of those was with a cheesecake
So does anybody have any M. Brown jokes, or would we be taking shots at him too soon?
A blonde women just found out some frightening statistics... She was just informed that over 90% of car accidents happen within 10 miles of the persons house. So she moved.
"My eyes are up here" ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day...
What do you call a Vietnamese undercover police officer pretending to be a prostitute? Pho Ho PoPo
How does god receive prayers? knee-mail
How many people does it take to make a joke on /r/Jokes? Three. One to post it, one to make a better punchline in the comments, and one to repost it the next day.
Little Old Lady Knock Knock. Who's there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
Trump obviously has the support of the Freemasons He wants to build a wall, and do you know who gets paid to build walls? **MASONS!**
Just clicked on a link to win a free iPad. Now I have AIDS. :(
A blind man walks into a bar And then a chair. And then a table
What's the best part of having sex with twenty seven year olds? There are twenty of them.
Why are there no joke about Jonestown? The punchlines are too long.
How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come in little white crackers
How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan?  Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten  minutes to answer.
What did onlookers say to the Wright Brothers as they took off? BYE PLANE
What do you call a Muslim pilot? An Airrab.
What is a clowns fart made of? Laughing gas.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My sex life's improved dramatically since my wife died. For a start, she now takes it in the ass.
The answer is "9 W". What is the question? Does Wagner begin with a "V"?
My SO told me she had never heard of Einstein's Theory of Relativity before today. I said, "It's about time!"
I'm a journalist. My paper asked if I would write an article about bukkake I said "I've got it covered"...
I remember hearing about this actor that lost all of his money and was locked up after a huge scandal... I'm pretty sure it was Nicolas Cage.
Well... Well... Well... Welcome to stutterers anonymous
I hope that one day I can be as proud about anything as my cat is about his asshole.
Why are none of my jokes funny? Because I have a shitty sense of humor.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elifino!
Damn girl are you an alarm clock? Because no matter how many times I hit you you won't shut the fuck up
How many people of a certain ethnicity does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, one to change the lightbulb; the other nine to act in a manner stereo-typically associated with said ethnicity.
What is green and has 4 wheels? Grass... I lied about the wheels
I'm putting my standards up for adoption Because I can't raise them anymore
I want to become a lawyer just so I can defend all my clients in court by saying, "I mean, don't we all make mistakes"
Try talking to a dog without asking it a question. Go ahead, I dare you
Q: What can strike a blonde without her  even knowing it? A: A thought.
Why are bank offices so cold? They're trying to freeze their assets.
[Target intercom] "Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We've told u for weeks this isn't a daycare."
My wife and I were very happy for 20 years..... But then we met.
The Uranus hokes will never get old I just can stop lauging at the planets name.
What's one thing the Hulk would struggle tearing down? The fourth wall
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should be changed regularly Both for the same reason
Boko Haram have really had a radical change in direction since their Whiter Shade of Pale days
What do mathematicians use to get fast delivery? Amazon'
Sex jokes are not funny. I mean cum on people.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you're probably hypoglycemic
Saw this advert in a window... It said "television for sale,$1,volume stuck on full".I thought,"I can't turn that down"
Speaking of corny jokes: how do you win a race against vegetables? You have to get ahead of lettuce! Ahahahahaha!
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!!
All that voted for Brexit should be jailed for pedophilia... Because they want to fuck an entire generation of kids.
What do you call a dog that doesn't have a life and hangs around the club for too long? A bitch.
What do you call a vagina with Parkinson's? [oc] Michael J. Box
I'm always frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name!!
What do you call a female peacock? A peacunt!
Did you hear about the two silk worms that got in a fight? It ended in a tie.
What do you call a female peacock? A peacunt.
Why didn't George RR Martin (GOT author) use Twitter? Because he killed all the 140 characters.
What did the cow say to the horse? Mooooooo
Two muffins are in the oven . . . One turns to the other and says "It's hot in here" the other looks at him and screams "Fuck me! A talking muffin!"
What happens to crude people? Crucified.
I've wasted the best years of my life waiting for people to join conference calls.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
I miss the 1980s when cell phones were big enough to cover your face if you saw someone you knew walking toward you.
I made three snow angels the other day. I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.
What do you get when combine a penis and a potato??? A dictator!
On its wedding night, why did the jungle cat have sex with the hotel receptionist? It was a fast cheetah
Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.
There's been some interesting science news today. Apparently materials with a half life of 3 pass through valves at a extremely slow rate. -plauge inc
What do you call someone who throws up after drinking too much orange soda? ... Fantastic
If swimming is such great cardio, explain manatees.
[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum] "And if you look over here you'll see a lot more really old shit."
Why does a jew watch pornography backwards? He wants to see the prostitute give back money.
How did Canada get its name? C eh, N eh, D eh.
I went to a gay bar specifically for dyslexic people... ...this really hot guy projectile vomited at me, so I ducked his sick.
Peterpan Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.
I like my whiskey like I like my women... Underage and sexy.
How do you make a song better using cement? By remixing it.
when I was a kid, our family was very poor.... I remember when my dad was cutting onions and our whole family was crying. poor onions. he was such a good dog
What happened to the over amorous clam? It pulled a mussel.
Einstein said "If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself." Which I guess makes me an expert in secretive anal sex.
Difference b/w secretary &amp; private secretary Q: What is the difference b/w secretary &amp; private secretary? Ans: Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR &amp; Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
blonde joke of the day Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don't know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does -
What do you get when you mix the atlantic with the titanic About half way
I used to be a banker... But then I lost interest.
Opening a Christian gym called 'Jehovah's Fitness
Whats the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?  He heard the snow blower coming.
How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk ME: You're abducting me 4 days before Christmas? K: Heh yep ME: Omg thank you K: What ME: I'm all yours K: Wait
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It's stopped twerking.
I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, "my kids won't be watching TV and they most certainly won't be eating chicken nuggets!"
I need a joke for my boss I need a clean, clean languaged jokes.
Yet another "No DMs" bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
What did Bill Clinton find attractive about Monica Lewinsky? He said she had the prettiest smile he ever came across.
Roses Are Red... Roses are red, Voilets are violet, This misconseption Makes me violent
I like my women like I like my computer monitors Bright, saturated and in multiples.
I went to an adrenaline junkie camping retreat. It was in tents.
Where do they categorize the history books in an Indian library? Naan-Fiction.
*calls wife into the bedroom* *dims the lights* *turns on Marvin Gaye* *sexily sweeps toddler's collection of trucks off the bed*
While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window... and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?
Your mama's mouth is like a smoke house. Everyone is always hanging their meat in it.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear the enzyme
PMS jokes are not funny. Period.
Did you hear the one about the shrimp throwing a fit? He was just being tempuramental.
That awkward moment when... When Mars has more water than California...
What part of Popeye has the smoothest skin? The part he dips in Olive Oyl.
[first date] I just love that you are a normal, cool girl. *subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair* -Yeah, totally.
How do you know when your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit..
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I've been watching women's volleyball and there has already been an injury... But I'll be ok by monday.
Pouring water on someone's head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's go baptize some babies.
A guy goes to his Rabbi to price a circumcision... He says, "Rabbi, how much do you charge for a circumcision?" And the Rabbi says, "Not much, I just keep the tips."
Brett Favre reveals 'scary' memory loss says he is not going back to play Pro Basketball
My son asked me on father's day why there was no son day I told him it's every sunday
what did the cornflake say to the other cornflake? Hi cornflake. don't blame me... you clicked on it... what did you expect?
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive They still wouldn't date me, despite my wealth.
Fine, don't vote, but then remember to be quiet and don't interrupt when the grownups are talking.
What do you call a big beefy doctor who also studies the weather in his spare time? A Meaty-urologist. ^^Don't^^shoot^^me^^...
Dad jokes are amazing/beautiful/magical things!! People today seem to thing dad jokes are cringe worthy but being a dad i feel i must speak out!! So what arr your best dad jokes?
STEP UP? Ive got a step ladder,I never really knew my real ladder
For our 25 year anniversary, my wife asked me for a present that goes from 0-200 in seconds. I got her a bathroom scale.
Why are turtles dangerous in China ? Because they can turtle you.
*Wife sends me a link* *I click on link* *Buy whatever's at the link* *wait for delivery* ~Christmas shopping for my wife
I'm not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I'm going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard...
I love the album Abbey Road so much I think I'm going to name my first daughter "Road."
What does a time traveler do when he's hungry? He goes back 4 seconds.
What do you need when you're not doing well in your Advanced Placement U.S. History class? A Push
Q: What state has the highest cell phone bills? A: Text-us
The ultimate collection of jokes about Uranus! http://www.nottriangles.com/blog/uranus.html
I emailed Hillary that to secure a win, she had to pick Bernie as VP. I guess she deleted it.
9: My teacher doesn't wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn't need it because she's younger. Me: Get out of the car.
It's better to have hope in your soul..
Jesse James married my sister. He's know my brother out-law
Two dyslexics are walking down the street... "Can you smell dog shit?" asks the first. "I can't even smell my own name" replies the other
Police Officer: Do you speak English? Jose: Yes. Police Officer: Where are you from? Jose: Yes
Did you read the book "The History of Glue"? I couldn't put it down!
What do you call male and female Jewish baristas? Hebrews and Shebrews.
My teacher yelled at me for saying "black paint." Apparently, in Spanish class we're supposed to say "pintura negra."
What is another word for children who haven't learned how to do math? yesallwomen
Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.
If I had a nickel for everytime I was asked for... ...Change, I still wouldn't give it to the homeless guy
Lately I've been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My wife came back really upset from her doctor's appointment -What did he say my love? -He said we cannot have sex for at least a month... -How that? -He is on vacation in Barbados for a month...
What is a soup-lover's favorite sport? Bowling
A Dark Joke What is the similarity in between a dark joke and food? Not everyone gets it
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.
Wanna hang together? ill bring the rope
What's the difference between a well dressed bicyclist and a poorly dressed unicyclist? Attire.
Having sex in a mental hospital Now that's fucking insane.
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I love how racism works they blame black guys for stealing because they can't see anything in the dark
Old Chinese proverb: Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
How can a girl make you a millionnaire? If you're already a billionnaire.
I saw this post by a pizza boy. OP delivers.
Are you okay? You seem stupid.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they're naming IKEA furniture.
Why was kleenex dancing? It had a little boogie in it.
Taking a nap now. If you're tempted to wake me, please remember Jurassic Park. Just because we can do it, doesn't always mean we should.
NSFW how much sperm does a gay guy have? A butt load
Why did Alexander Graham Bell never receive a nobel prize? Because it's a "no bell" prize.
Why was Jon Snow so successful at basketball? he knew where to put it..
A very lame Hitler Wordplay joke. What Does Hitler hate most about Breakfast? The *Juice*.
"Who's sorry now?" ~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I never wanted to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker... ...but when I got home all the signs were there.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don't raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
What do you call a Rapper who smokes too much? Tupac-aday
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won't do as she is told.
Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.
Some cool ways to trick a woman into bed include "being kind," "making her feel special" & "showing her respect." They love that shit!
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals.. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Just stole some energy bars from a store. I'm a joule thief.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of sprite... But when I woke up, I realised it was just a fantasy
How did the rabbit know his wife was cheating on him? He found a hare in his bed.
I'll read a Southern Gothic novel with 1,288-word sentences, I don't give a Faulkner.
Which Marvel superhero is transgender? Ironman, he's a Fe male.
Sorry I yelled "GET A ROOM!" at your grandson's wrestling tournament.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
What is Captain Ahab's favorite reggae band? Bob Marley and The Whalers!
When I signed up for college they said I had to take a 'Fat Awareness' class I said that do we need 'Fat Awareness' for? They're so easy to spot.
School humor Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral? Mourning wood.
"My girlfriend is a feminist", I explained to my grandfather "Well, heck son - nothing wrong with a feminine woman" he replied.
My dad has the heart of a lion, And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What does a suicidal multiple personality say every morning? If I don't kill myself soon, I will!
Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and "read" the card.
Did you hear how high the offshore banker's salary is? I heard he makes boatloads.
I need an airplane joke And I need it right neeeeeeoooow.
What did Trump say about the Middle East? Iran for president, then Iraq the nation.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are together in a lifeboat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. No land in sight. No ships in sight. Who survives? The American people.
An emo and a leaf fall from a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first? The leaf. The emo is stopped by the rope.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick down a girls throat.
Of course, Lil' Wayne isn't his real name. It's Lillian Waynard.
Trump's inauguration had a low turnout Still more than Hillary's inauguration
My 9 year old daughter just beat me at Wii baseball... I'll bet she's on the juice.
I tried changing my Facebook profile to the tricolour French flag.... but I preferred the traditional All White French Flag
My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days.
I told my Jewish girlfriend I was going to stuff her in the oven Because she's my cutie pie!
My middle finger is always ready to give you a standing ovation after you say something stupid.
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
*Jesus hanging on cross next to thieves* Lean in guys, let's do a face swap
Why should we elect Gabe Newell as President of the United States? So there won't be a World War III.
I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call, text, Facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you.
TIL: To never trust a fart.
I just got a great deal on some real estate in California. It was a fire sale!
Why are camels referred to as "the ships of the desert" ? They are full of Iranian seman
What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip
Why wasn't Jesus any good at math? Because he always seemed to get hung up on addition.
What's the difference between a waterproofer and a porn star? Eventually, a waterproofer stops coming home with cock all over them. Forgive my accent, I meant caulk. (My first waterproofing joke)
What did the black man say to the Mexican? Hey. Watermelawn.
I haven't found cancer jokes funny since.. my grandfather got killed by a giant crab.
How does it feel to crash a rental car? It Hertz.
What kind of house does a stoned loaf of bread live in? A high rise
I hate street performers But then again I'm a mime artist so I can't really talk
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One person.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.
If there is no complaining after a glass utensil is broken in your home... You can bet your ass it was broken by your mom.
Why do Lannisters have such big beds? GoT because they push twins together to make a king.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
On the one hand, when I masturbate, I feel like I'm cheating on my wife... ...but on the other hand, I don't.
Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
I don't know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.
Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don't have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.
"Will you please stop chasing heavy women?" "I am not chasing them...they just happen to land on me and I cant get up."
What do you call a kid with no friends!? A Sandy Hook survivor!!
What idiot called it the Police/Fire Department Headquarters and not GUNS 'N HOSES?
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle? Alien vs Predator.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense
its all fun and games till someone gets hurt... then its hilarious
Q: What was the most flexiest dinosaur? A: Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Why was Kylo Ren embarrassed at McDonald's? It was his First Order!
Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexadecimal? Because 7 8 9 A
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
If by "flexible" you mean "can I get my foot behind my head?" then yes, I am. If you mean "can I get my foot back down?" then no, I am not.
Why did Simba's father die? Because he couldn't Mufasa.
Talking about planets with my nephew. He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas
You sneezed 20 times in a row, I think your brain wants out
When a Dutch reporter asked Arjen Robben what he was going to do after the world cup, he told him; I'm going diving in Mexico.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They're like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
First you can't smoke and now you get banned for grinding up on other patrons. It's like, why even bother getting drunk at the zoo anymore?
What do you call a pair of nervous wigwams? Too tense.
allentine's ay. For those of you who won't be getting the V or the D on Feb. 14th.
"who can I count on to volunteer for this project?" *slumps out of chair and slowly army crawls out of conference room*
I'm still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
'Ho Ho Ho' said Santa! as he watched 16 and pregnant!
Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger inspire George W Bush to become president? A: Because he could explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German!
Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?
Can't imagine what's it like to have no imagination.
How do you encourage a bartender? "That's the spirit!" How do you discourage a bartender? Boos.
I keep forgetting - which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?
Favstar is like that uncle we all have, he never works, but comes around every few months asking for money.
What do women and hurricanes have in common? When they come, they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take the house.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic... Yea, it runs in your genes.
What does it take for a soldier in uniform to pick up a girl?... ....a smile and wave!
Men Are Polite When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him "Have you heard of updog?"
Now matter how sad I get, the length of your skirt reassures me that everything will be OK.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son *son begins describing his 500 new Pokemon cards* Well, there's always next year
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "See you next month."
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can't decide which Kmart I want to buy.
An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
An apostrophe walks into a'bar.
Why can't a policeman win a game of pool? Because he always shoots the black one first.
Why do hipsters love Harrison Ford? Because he's Indie!
Edgy? You are seriously describing WINE as "edgy"? Vodka with Xanax and a side of knife fight is edgy. This is Welch's.
My girlfriend wanted me to be more flirtatious... So I said, "I want to make you the 'U' in 'TIFU'"
When I was growing up, we were so poor that... Soap-on-a-rope was considered to be jewelry in our house.
I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field. \#2. I don't want to be cremated first.
The Longest Joke in the World http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
Why didn't Greece vote for Tyrion? Because a Lannister always pays his debts.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Thanks, spell check, that's what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
What is Tigger's favorite day? Leap Day, but Spring Forward is a close second.
I'm in a very serious relationship we never laugh.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami Noah: But you're god, can't you just stop the tsunami God: *loves boats* No
Who says, "Bugs, you stole my hearing aids?! You're despicable!" Deafy Duck
I used to go to New Years Eve parties I still do, but I used to too! -Mitch Hedberg style-
How many bees do you need in a bee choir ? A humdred !
So Mario is talking to Luigi. "So I breka up with tha princess last night. But I told her, it's a not you, it's a me! Mario!"
6yo lured girls to our beach umbrella by shaking a bag of Cheetos at them & it worked so guys, feel free to steal his fool-proof method.
Just saw a rainbow.........great now the sky is gay
"Doctor, I'm afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me." THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I have yet to see a television Network try to improve their ratings by airing better quality shows.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular....
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
You know the Amish are people of simple values but did you know they are some of the most sexual people? .... It's true, their women require at least 2 Mennonite!
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym. ME: [playing Pokemon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I just had the worst experience with a mosquito. It sucked!
My piss looks and smells like gasoline this morning. My piss does impersonations of other liquids. That's talented piss.
Embarrassed Shopper I get so embarrassed grocery shopping when I see the Salad Dressing
What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger!
Two antennae got married... The ceremony was alright, but the reception was GREAT!
What's the opposite of drunken noodles? Soba noodles!
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian... Best joke of my career.
Twitter management's favorite part of a book is always Chapter 11
A friend of mine told me she worked as a prostitue for a while... I asked her if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz. She hadn't, but she said she'd once been swung round by the tits.
What do Storm Troopers and Bone Thugs N Harmony have in common? They are both going to miss every body.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover of its rival Office Depot. Office Depot has retaliated by snapping rubber bands at Staples.
So a Jew, a blonde, and a Narcissistic billionaire walks into a bar... Then the bartender says: These presidental elections are starting to seem like a joke.
*presses wheelchair accessible button* *rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector* "We're here for a haircut."
An Egg and a Chicken were having sex... But which came first? - Took this title from someone but changed the punchline.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
What did the Hitler trains say when they took the jews away? Jewww jewwww
Have you heard of the gay Irish couple? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion? 86% chance of heil
Beam me up Scottie! I'm not sure how to work this thing. I have nothing interesting to start with. Maybe a funny joke...Knock Knock!............must have been the wind.
Weird how my first 11 coffees tasted like coffee but the 12th one tastes like I'm having a stroke.
Wanna feel old? Stacy's mom has had it going on for over 81 years.
I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, "Somebody's Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!" and everyone ran out.
Just asked a girl if she was from Gotham. She said, "No, why?" I said b/c you look like The Penguin.
A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked. "Certainly not" she snapped "I'm the groom's mother."
I visited a small village where they had a cat for a king and a dog for a queen... ...they were reigning cats and dogs.
For five years my mother tucked me in at night... she really wanted a girl Credit goes to my friend Nick for telling me this one. Hi Nick!
My girlfriend and I like to roleplay She pretends to be a nurse while I pretend she exists.
What kind of moronic mirror thinks that Kristen Stewart is fairer than Charlize Theron?
POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!
Did you hear Dora the Explorer is having trouble with her Tinder account? Swiper no swiping
TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy Oops, wrong sub
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? [Denim, denim, denim.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0SuIMUoShI)
How can you tell the difference between a  monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't it's either a monster or a giant banana.
I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can't tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.
I like my Coffee like I like my women Without a penis.
New to reddit so thought I'd start by sharing one of my favourite jokes. When is a pixie not a pixie? When he's got his head up a faeries skirt, then he's a goblin!
There are 10 types of people in the world Those that can count and those that can't
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-" I choose dare, your honor "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"
There are two types of people in this world 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant. Him:.. Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.
I'm having problems with my cat, He told me i was a prima-donna, which makes no sense. She became famous in the 80's and I was born in '93. I am most certainly post-Madonna.
Wife: Ugh, I wish my boobs were bigger. Husband: Try rubbing toilet paper between them. Wife: How would that help? Husband: Well, it seems to be working just fine on your ass.
I'll never forget what that Pyscho said before he kicked the bucket. "BRING ME A BUCKET, AND I'LL SHOW YOU A BUCKET."
What's the worst part about a rape joke? The rape.
Urine is the opposite of you're out.
What do you call 1000 aches? A *kilohurtz*.
Ain't no party like a missing child search party Cause a missing child search party don't stop.
What's your spirit animal? "An eagle. They're so majestic." MEANWHILE Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human Eagle: this guy Dave
What is a sandwich on a ship? A sub-marine
Just noticed that the use by date on my crumpets was April 1st I was sure that someone was playing a joke on me.
I'm not the type that has sex with people I meet at the bar... They keep saying "no."
I can do something that Einstein can't. Breathe.
Why does Chuck Norris play cowbell? Because he beats time!
God *twisting an owl*: I can't get this damn jar open.
What is the difference between your Mum and a sack of green apples? Your Mums a slut!
What's the difference between the US election and sex? During sex it's fun to choose between asshole and cunt.
Whats the hardest thing about a pedophile. His dick.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Six jews are in a park, two leave. How many people are left? Zero, because jews aren't people.
All phones can be categorized into two groups You have the iPhones, then you have the good phones.
Why aren't there many jokes about the Jim Jones massacre? There would have been, but the punch line was too long...
I'd imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.
I climbed on a tree with a suitcase. My aim is to become a branch manager.
Why did the 280-pound girl marry the 400-pound man? She wanted a big wedding.
I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as 'supper' so obviously it wasn't going to work out in the end.
The boss enters the office and asks his underling.. .."what's the name of the asian punctual co-worker?" "Tai Ming, Sir."
DAE keeps struggling with fitting their shopping cart into a row of parked shopping carts? Apparently you first have to remove your daughter.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they're 21.
What does ISIS want for Christmas? Turkey, apparently.
I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.
I'm really scared that the Fine Bros are going to sue me because I just had an allergic reaction.
Want a slutty costume? Dress up like my professors, they barely cover anything important.
What do you call a lighter that is only used for weed? A highlighter Edit: Or a Bud Light Courtesy of u/isnottoast
If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.
My girlfriend through 5 years just left me. No I'm left with a wife and 2 kids.
Why can't t-rexs do push ups? Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God's way of telling us that it's okay to eat before going to bed.
Why do so many people listen to Taylor Swift songs after a breakup? Because they were tailor made for it.
Why do we have to sit at red lights if nobody's coming the other way? We don't have to pay our taxes if nobody's checking, right?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in] OK, who's ready for fun? We're The Photosynthesisters & we're gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs
How do you know if an Asian is depressed? All around them are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
Why should you wear a condom when writing C++ code? It's full of std vectors.
2 is the only even prime number. It's kind of odd, isn't it?
It took me an hour to attach my watches to each other to make a belt. It was a **waist** of time.
Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it
The shortest joke ever Two women were sitting quietly.
How many men does it take to make  popcorn? Four one to hold the pot and three to act macho and shake the  stove.
I rented a tuxedo then didn't need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None! The room's been dark ever since Jose got deported!
Patrick Star is so clueless It's like he lives under a rock or something
A pirate walks into a bar... He has a ship's wheel right on his crotch. The bartender asks: "What's the wheel for?" The pirate reply's: "ARRRRRGH, It's drivin' me nuts!"
Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great oral sex! But Oh no! Not my sister!
The world is secretly run by old men playing chess in the park
I met a girl who's family is so loaded... even the bags under her eyes are designer
me: [trying to sound cool] I'm in a punk band cute co-worker: that's cool. What the band's name? me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
A friend of mine in law enforcement doesn't like The Clash. I guess you could say that sheriff don't like it.
*first astronaut lands on Mars* NASA: How does it feel son? Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band
Does your dog like children? Yes, but he prefers dog food.
What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Find out next time, on Dragonball Z!
What did the Arab land his 747? The tarmac, you racist.
I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.
When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though* Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*
One of the stone tiles in my bathroom looks exactly like Walter Cronkite. And he is not impressed by my erection.
What do you call a blunt spear? Piontless!
I have a good League of Legends jokes Doublelift joins TSM!! HAHAHA AMIRITE GUYS!! :'(
Made a hiking playlist called 'trail mix' It has a lot of eminem in it
[creation] GOD: So how do you like the flying? PENGUIN: Meh it's no big deal GOD: Oh is that right
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I capture lions for a living... I guess you could say I take pride in my work.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the person whose name I've forgotten.
What do you call a Jewish, German clergyman? Jew das Priest.
When you go toe to toe with a Vietnamese Mexican... You either nguyen or you luz.
Why couldn't the cut down tree answer a riddle? It was stumped.
Heard a newsreader relaying the news that Richie Benaud had died and I thought to myself "What a fine delivery that was"
What do you call a group of Jewish friends? Hebros.
I found my inner self today... I am never buying cheap toilet paper ever again.
What's the worst thing you can hear when your giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? "I'm not Willie Nelson."
peanut Little Sally: Mommy, Mommy, Little Frankie showed me his penis on the playground! It reminded me of a peanut! Mommy (startled): Oh! Was it really small? Little Sally: No, it was salty!
"I'm your biggest fan." -- That humongous talking fan you bought from that magician
I was going to tell a Nirvana joke, but... Nevermind.
What did the bread maker say to the wheat? I loave you.
Doctor Nervous by Three year old When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, "Do I have to drink it?"
Two fishes are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
If you had one match to light a kerosene lamp, fire place, wood-burning stove Which do you light first? The match
What's the difference between James Dean and Jimmy Dean? Jimmy Dean is sausage in the skillet, James Dean was hamburger on the road.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside!
Never feel like you're too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
"Mommy all the kids at school say I'm a  werewolf! Is that true?" "No of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."
I see lots of posts on this subreddit that could also work well on the subreddit for puns. Which got me to thinking, r/jokes and puns the same thing?
Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?
What do you call an epic space opera set during the Russian Revolution? Tsar Wars
*Holds door for woman *Slams door in her boyfriend's face
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
A falling battery killed a man today. It was charged with murder.
Losing your spouse can be hard. But it's not impossible.
What is Donald Trump's biggest fear? Mexican ghosts who can walk through walls.
Have you heard about the airplane industry? Its really taking off and reaching new heights.
[first date] HER: I'm a really big cat person ME: *leans in really close* You don't look anything like a cat
What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ
A thief broke into my house last night.. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so i woke up and searched with him.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? You might think it be R... but a true pirate always favors the C.
If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.
My boss was going to fire me over breakfast this morning but the coffee shop was closed. There were no grounds for dismissal.
Why is God happy? Because every women call his name during sex.
I was told to put two planks together I totally nailed it.
I'm in the Guinness book. Not the world records one, the one at the brewery that's says which people are not allowed back.
What did the Pimp say to the bashful Gamete Prostitute? Hey, Sex-cells
Do all black people have a problem with slavery? Or just mine?
The difference between a prostitute and a politician (NSFW) When the prostitute is paid to fuck somebody, they get fucked back.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn't remember we're camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I don't feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep scratching.
Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I'm now waiting on a tow truck.
Typos. The Greek God of spelling errors.
Who's the most self-centered Muppet? Beaker. All he says is "Me Me Me."
What piece of bedding can also be known as a Mexican blanket? the underlay! underlay!
Why is the bride always sad on her wedding day? Because she doesn't get to marry the best man.
How do you spell a hated opponent with three letters? NME (enemy).
Someday when I run out of comic books, I'd like to try this sex with girls I've been hearing about.
My friend, Manuel, is a magician... His favorite trick is to announce "I'm going to disappear on the count of three." He then counts "Uno, dos..." then vanishes without a tres.
In New York someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
What's black and eats banana's? Apparently half of London
Play Mambo No. 5 at my funeral even if you have to fight my family
Good joke [SERIOUS] ^ title
What do you call a female chicken that goes "cock-a-doodle-doo"? A lesbi-hen
Does your face hurt? Well it's killing me.
I'm not scared I'll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I'm scared someone will record it on their phone and I'll end up on a GIF.
So I had sex with a condom for the first time It was good. But I still prefer doing it with girls.
Dark Humor is like getting laid Not everyone gets it.
I went to the doctor with severe constipation, he laughed as he took my urine sample. I think he's taking the piss but I still couldn't give a shit.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff... BA-DUM-TSSSSS
What city is the favorite place for anti-Semites? Juno
I'm feeling confident about my new business selling amphibious aircraft... It's going to be plane sailing!
What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted? Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don't have one, it's probably you.
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
Judge: You stand before me accused of being a duvet. How do you plead? Defendant: Not quilty.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i'm gonna drop her off in the desert and leave
How many ears does Spock have? Three The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear
What car does Jesus drive? A Christler I'm so sorry...
Why are there no female necrophiliacs? Because dead guys can't spend money.
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.
Why don't you go down on a girl first thing in the morning? Haven't you ever peeled apart a hot grilled cheese sandwich?
the safeword is burrito
America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls. Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.
I got kicked out of the army yesterday. They called it a dishonorable discharge.... ....i call it jizzing over the generals face whilst he was asleep.
What did the suspenders say to the trousers? What's up, britches?!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: Do you ever feel like you're an imposter? Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair Me: Interesting *writes 'thinks he's the psychiatrist'*
Q: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?  A: "Oh it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.
the average man takes just over 6 minutes to cum during sex, do you know how long it takes a woman? Me either, I'm already sleeping by then.
Why did the cannibal get indigestion after eating his high school debate team rival? He ate something that disagreed with him
Where is the lost city of Atlantis? Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.
A german walks into a bar and orders one martini. The bartender asks: "Dry?" The German replies "No, one you dumbass!"
For once in my life, I'd just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Dirty Laundry When you wash a teenage boy's socks, you're doing a load of loads
What was a doctors diagnosis of the victims involved in a pet van crash? Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Chameleon
you're all like "haha interpretive dance what a humorous concept" until you see a professional do it then you shit yourself with wonder
why does X always get to mark the spot? i bet Q would like a turn
What is the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out of it.
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee  is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
You can build a thousand bridges. You suck one dick and you're known as a cocksucker.
If you googled "blood libel" yesterday, you'd get a wikipedia link. Today you see Sarah Palin's face. I hope she says "bukkake" next.
What's the number one killer of African-Americans? I don't know, just axe them.
A wizard walks into a gay bar... And disappears with a poof.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn't listen to the victim. I'd draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, "Is this him."
A man was arrested today for masturbating on a subway. Apparently, it's a crime to be metrosexual.
If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware? I don't know but Alaska
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so... I choose sleep.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
What did the Jewish pedophile ask the kids? "You kids wanna buy some candy?"
Do you know why cops don't like to find winos that have been dead for more than two hours? The Ripple is flat.
Just spilled beer on my crotch, so to save myself from the embarrassment, I pissed my pants. Can't have people thinking I'm a sloppy drinker
i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.
I'll always remember my dad's last words on his death bed: 'Son, what are you doing with that pillow?'
Feminists are like prime numbers The only thing that goes into them is themselves.
What is the difference between a computer and a jet airliner About 250 lives, depending on which one crashed.
What can be served but not eaten? A tennis ball.
What is robot jazz called? Beep Boop Bop!
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!
I don't know why, but books about medicine are hilarious. The section about urinary tract infections made me pee my pants.
Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo That's when I had to put my foot down. EDIT: some shit
[Very Racist] What is the difference between a black person and a bench? One can support a family of four.
I have a friend who won't admit that he dresses up as Santa every year. He's pretty deep in the Clauset.
why is being in the mafia and administering cunnilingus similar one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit
I hate listening to music during sex... There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.
Men are like floor tiles You lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life
I dissected a cow's eye in grade school. It was an eye-opening experience.
Why did the Native American undergo cellular respiration? To make A TP
Whats the best way to pick up chicks Lean over and pick them up with your hands.
If I had a dollar every time Trump said something stupid... I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.
"You suck." "No, you suck." "Really, you suck." "Please, you suck." "You suck, I insist." -- Polite vampires.
What should you never ask at a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?
So many good jokes on twitter today. Comparatively few reliable strategies for achieving eternal life.
I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was, "Too drunk." He should really stop drinking on the job.
Making $ is easy. Press shift+4.
Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in  common ? A. Nothing yet.
My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.
How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Norris? *All of it.* *All of the wood.*
joke about mods [deleted]
I'm really against picketing. I just don't know how to show it.
Why couldn't the melons secretly get married? Because they were cant elopes
I went to Church for the first time last week. I asked my cousin: "So, when does the Priest do his magic trick?" "What?" "You know, making the altar boy disappear under his robe."
Did you hear about the sexually frustrated lawyer? He got off on a technicality.
Yo mamma's so fat... When she walks down the street, people start telling Han Solo he better get out of here
The night after taking office, Donald Trump's deal with the Satan has been completed, and he dies, arriving in hell... Well, one can hope, anyway.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! 
How is Daniel Craig a policeman? He is in Spectre (Inspector)
So an interviewer asked me a question.. A: Your greatest weakness? B: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmaticsA: Could you give an example?B: Yes, I could
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? No amount of feminists can change a light bulb, because feminists can't change anything.
ABC has cancelled "Ugly Betty". It will be replaced by "Fuckable Jennifer".
What's the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish, it dies.
My buddy told me he had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin....... I asked how he could tell them apart. He said "Her brother has a mustache."
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokemon I've caught.
How come we never see hideous fish men around any more? Dagon.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
The barman says 'I'm sorry we don't serve time travelers.' A time traveler walks into a bar...
How many dead memes does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty-one.
Pantyhose How many animals can you fit in a pantyhose? 10 little piggies 2 calves 1 ass 1 beaver A bunch of hares and.. 1 fish that no one can find.
Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.
Make it hurt nsfw A woman told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt so I fucked her twice and punched her in the face.
Great news insomniacs! Only 12 sleeps til Christmas.
Happy Fathers Day! Me: Happy Fathers Day! Pop: Thanks! Me: I'll call you later. Pop: Don't call me later, call me Dad :') ...
One thing that really annoys me is everything.
What did they name the hot sauce lubricant? They called it Sricrotcha...
Oh nothing, just editing this agreement. And by editing, I mean writing "ool J" after every mention of an LLC.
I've been doing this new program called 'Cooking with Nature: Chinese Edition' You'd think it would be tough, but it's just a wok in the park.
The Boston Bruins had a good chance of beating the Leafs... ...but they totally bombed it.
Two Irish homosexuals Michael Fitzpatrick &amp; Patrick Fitzmichael
"You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful." -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures
What happened to Loki after he wath hit in hith fathe with Odin'th Hammer? He became Thor.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off? "Aww, shucks!"
What kind of music does a printer make? A paper jam.
Big sale in the perfume department ... it's all 50 per scent off.
I hate people with club feet... I'm lack toes intolerant.
A new class of octopus has been discovered that cooks it's food. It's the only Chefalopod found so far.
I'm an early bird and a night owl, so I'm basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
What do you call a rabbi with heart burn? Acidic Jew
Went to take my dog with no legs for a walk in the park... now its a dragon.
Happy Alentine's Ay! It's like Valentine's Day, except without the V or the D
What's the worst thing about one-liners in /r/jokes?
Why does the Earth love geologists? They really get it's rocks off
Someone stole a NFL playbook, uploaded it to the internet. All the plays were bootlegs.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck? People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.
Joke - I asked God I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes
As schoolgirl skirts get shorter... ...anemia rates grow in Japan.
"How did you do in the porno auditions?" "Well, I got some small parts." "Ah, well that certainly doesn't help, does it?" &amp;nbsp; ^[OC]
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Illegal immigration jokes.. are borderline offensive
My wife says her farts smell like flowers Cauliflowers maybe
What do you call an Asian girl with Mexican parents? Juana Sum Peeksa.
Who is a chicken's favorite composer? Bach
Where do dogs park their cars? In barkinglots.
Bungalows Why do old people prefer to live in one story houses? There close to the ground.
What do you call an elderly burglar's vagina? A Crook Granny's Nooky Cranny!
Listen mate, the only rapture I'm interested in was sung by Debbie Harry
What's Jay-Z's favorite city to perform in? SHEBOY-gan You're welcome
How do you answer the door Mathematically? Door: "What is 2+2?" Me: "4" Door: "Cool!"
Why was Herbert Hoover such a controversial president? Because he never let the dust settle.
I have a crippling fear of Santa Apparently I'm Claustrophobic.
What do you call a pirate cartoon? An animatee!
There's nothing in SkyMall that I don't want to buy.
How come they can send a lifeless, unfeeling robot to Mars, but that lifeless, unfeeling robot can't be @AnnCoulter?
How do you starve a black guy? Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
Why don't all Libertarian candidates have dwarfism? I thought Libertarians believed in small government.
If you came over an upturned tortoise... Would you clean it up?
Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their  hair?  A: It matches their mustaches.
My biggest problem with passive smoking is having to follow the smoker around.
I almost got raped in jail I think my family takes monopoly way too seriously
The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb.? Three. One to screw it in and the second to take credit for it. And the other to repeat it.
When you anticipate, you make an ant out of I, ci and pate.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet It's some next level shit
A guy walks into a bar. He sees a pirate with a steering wheel in his pants. The guy asks "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?". The pirate says "I don't know but its driving me nuts!".
No matter how bored I get, I'll never be bored enough to go back and read through all the greeting cards I've saved over the years.
You all need to stop with the gay jokes. Cum on guys!
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs after a house fire? Stephen Hawking's
Apparently, when they say 'black tie' they expect you to wear more than just a black tie. Like I'm a mind reader.
I'm really good mates with 25 letters out of the alphabet I don't know why
Animal puns. Animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.
What do you call a Roman with a hair in his teeth? Gladiator.
Osama=Crabs What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common? They both irritate Bush.
Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come shit on my lap."
I like my coffee like my slaves Free
It's so cold outside that the hookers downtown are charging 20 to blow your hands
What did one elf girl say to the other elf girl who wasn't sharing? "Stop being so elfish, Karen!"
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies? Everywhere
Why did the electron go to jail? He was charged with battery!
A child asks: "Mom, why do women wear white on their wedding day?" Mom: Well, they wear white because it's the happiest day of their life. Child: Then why does the man wear black?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can't have your pain meds. Me: Do the thing. Nurse: Me: Nurse: *holding fork* [sigh]*makes airplane noise*
clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop Amish drive-by shooting.
Why was the medicine man for bald eagles arrested? He was selling ill-eagle drugs.
What was Hitler's favourite aquatic animal? Adolfin.
Why is the Dead Sea a mod on /r/leagueoflegends? Because it's so salty.
Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped
So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot. I shout, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"
I ask myself, what city has the most feminists? Manhatin'
I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.
Why is it called a cunt? Because that's the sound it makes when you kick it.
(Star Trek Related) What do Worf and Jadzia like to do to relax? Netflix and Trill!
People who type "First!" in comment boxes will also be first in line to hell.
Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It's just gonna start more drama.
I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world.
Just one. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
Do you know how our planet got it's name? Cause if you do, please tellus
People who email you Spam...Email them Porn! Problem solved 
What did the Hispanic Fireman name his twin sons? Jose &amp; Hose-B
I seem to have this constant stream of bugs trying to hang me. They're really quite the noose ants.
I found a hole in my pants this morning No one's looking into it
Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
If Oskar Schindler was your Uber fare... ...you'd be Schindler's Lift
How do you make a dog meow? Put him in a wood chipper and listen to him go "meeeeowwww".
"I Want To Rock And Roll All Night" just came on in this coffee shop and EVERYONE is singing along to it VERY QUIETLY
A duck walks into a drug store. He says "Give me some chap stick." The cashier asks "Will that be cash or credit?" The duck says "Just put it on my bill."
What has four legs but can't walk? A chair.
I tried to come out of the closet by singing. It was my swan song
Why did the poor man sell yeast? He wanted to make some doe!
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday and Today. Edit: Also Tomorrow.
A dyslexic person walks into a bra.
Did you hear about the lady that had breast implants made of oak? It would be nice if this joke had a punch line, woodentit?
Girl: I love Medieval Art Boy: Who doesn't? There he is now Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge.... you are coming to my room
What do you get... What do you get when you try to inject Human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo, apparently.
Tolkien once wrote a novel set in an office... It's titled, "And My Fax".
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator.
[Meta] Damn Girl jokes Damn Girl jokes.... so hot right now. Please consider cross-posting them to /r/damngirljokes.
I think Ronda Rousey would be at a disadvantage if she fought Floyd Mayweather. Mayweather has had practice beating women
Did you hear that the French President is getting divorced? Apparently he came home early and caught his wife surrendering to a German.
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week.. I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot.. Turns out her sister had it all along.
Why do Fencers avoid posting on reddit? They are afraid of the Reposte.
Guys who say there's a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.
What do astronomers do when they have nowhere else to turn? They default in our stars
Words hurt The other day an N-word hit me over the head with a tire iron.
What's a blonde with a shotgun in wheat field? .. A cereal killer !
What did the clitorus say to its neighbor when he moved out of town.. See you labia
Finish this joke, "I am Christian and I believe in science. In fact, I studied Physics at a Catholic University." So far I have, "Physics at a Catholic University? That's like studying... at a ..."
What Did Big Nacho Say To Little Nacho? I'm Nacho Daddy.
I saw a pink bird with a sore throat. Must have been a phlegmingo.
What do 9/10 people enjoy? Gang rape D:
What is Batman's least favorite TV channel? The Family Channel.
What is the bass players preferred method of contraception? His personality.
the longest joke in the world http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
I'm afraid to be around unarmed black men. What if the police miss and shoot me by mistake?
"What you don't know won't hurt you." Oh, yeah good logic. Unless what I "don't know" about is the man waiting for me in the parking lot.
What did Victoria say to Vancouver? I'll BC-ing you later.
Why was the cheese so sad? Because it was provOLONE
I came home to my wife yelling "The square root of pi!" angrily. I told her she was being irrational.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
A man asks his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?" She said "I don't like to call you at work".
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
What's the deference between and porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has its pricks on the outside
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Christmas... My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Christmas. They got me a Rolex. They clearly misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
No one will get this..
Chuck Norris know's Victoria's Secret.
*knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand *answers her alarm clock, "hello?"
I've been stung by a bee.
i have an iq of 152 so actually its not "dumb" that im trapped in this tiny slide for children
Knock Knock Who's there ! Clay ! Clay who ? Clay on Sam !
*bees surround guy* AHHH GET THEM AWAY "Don't make any sudden movements" *suddenly the Macarena comes on* Oh no...
Birth certificate Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory
ok, i'm calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My mate Sid had his ID stolen. "So now i just call him S"
Mind Blown. Girls=Time and Money Because Time=Money Girls=Money (squared) Since Money is the root of all evil square root the squared Money Therefore Girls=Root of all evil
Why couldn't they find the cheesemaker after the accident? He was trapped under da-Brie!
So I went to the pool... I looked at the rules and the first rule was "The pool is not a restroom" And I just thought to myself "No shit"
What is the ardent task of searching for a new wallpaper called? Running a Backgroud Check.
When talking to your kids about the "birds and the bees", don't forget the part about how the bird can't feel shit when he wears a condom.
I pick up my girlfriend at my her parent's house Her parents: She can eat anything except nuts, she is allergic to nuts. I reply, "that may have ruined my plans for the evening"
How do telepaths have an orgasm? They get their mind blown
Texting...because men didn't have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.
How do you have a rave in Greece? Blu-Tac a euro to the ceiling
Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.
Only in America can you be born a poor black boy and grow up to be a rich white woman. Take Michael Jackson for example
Man.. These croutons are the best thing since dried bread!
What's long, hard, 6 inches, and makes the ladies scream when it's put in their mouth or up their vagina? A knife.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, "That's where it belongs."
&lt;Put your title here&gt; May be NSFW Isn't it crazy how there is a band called one direction, because that's what I named my asshole as a teen.
HER: it's pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk ME: do you like things?
What did they say about the pastry with the low IQ? He was Retarted
What do you call four Mexicans stuck in quicksand? Cuatro Sinko
An unemployed engineer gets lost while going to a job interview at the navy base Woops, wrong sub.
I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would've told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn't want to get mugged.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs.... ...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!
A Neutron goes into a bar and orders a drink,when he asks how much the drink will cost him bartender says "For you no charge".
I won the meat raffle in the bar. Wasn't the answer my kids were expecting when they asked how I met their mother.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Seriously, how many blondes? Need to know ASAP.
*pets a skeleton* u used to b a baby
What do fat people do in the summer? Stink
What's Gandalf's favorite band? A Flock of Smeagols
Why did Adele cross the road? So she could say "hello" from the other side.
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove box.
How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors? They just have a feel for that kind of thing.
What is the only thing standing between me and being rich? I haven't hit Reddit gold yet.
What is the most common kind of martial arts among Germans? Jewjitsu
Have you ever opened your wallet and wondered if your dollar bills have ever been in a stripper's butt crack?
Definition of a really good friend. What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend? A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!
New genetics study shows that chronic diarrhea may be hereditary It runs in your jeans.
Best Buy's MLK Day sale Half off all black speakers, today only
If this gets 1000 upvotes, my wife and I will try anal... Please don't, her strap on is huge
What's the difference between a hoedown and a hootenanny? One's when your prostitute falls on the floor, and the other is when your babbysitter is making owl sounds.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test ME: ok COP: lets get taco bell ME: no COP: text ur ex ME: no COP: ok ur good
Thank goodness I'm loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can't blame it on the alcohol.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
A man walked into a bar and a Midget walked into a Bollard
[friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Why are gingers' feet so rough? Because they have no soles
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who can count in binary, those who can't and those who weren't expecting this joke to be in base three.
eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
When do you know that you are getting old? When you have babies on purpose
Due to the rapid response of and crackdown by the NYPD over the phrase, "Put wings on
Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with ".gov"?
How do you make a napkin dance? You put a little boogie in it.
What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat
911 what's the emergency "Please help, I made too much spaghetti" Relax sir, we've all been th*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
How warm is the inside of a tauntaun? Luke warm
Chemists Confirm the Existence of New Type of Bond Bond, James Bond.
Wanna hear a joke The UN
Did you hear about the actress who stabbed her husband at dinner? That blonde girl Reese.... Not Witherspoon, with her knife.
Friend: It looks like you're packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii? Me: No, this is just my lunch.
There was two people in the bus I wasn't the one who farted
I hate when homeless people beg me for money. No, buddy, I'm not giving you money to buy drugs. I need that money to buy drugs.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Having erectile dysfunction must be hard Oh wait... No, never mind.
Where did the Joker prank Batman? Got 'Em City.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn't happen in Arizona either.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country's obesity statistics.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
"Forgive me father, for I have pinned."
Hey, you wanna hear a joke? Ya, so do I.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pitbull on a children's playground.
"Bro! You remembered our bronniversary! How bromantic." -Bromosexuals
My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
I told my mom I wanted to become a stand up comedian. She laughed.
What did they stamp on the Asian baby as he came out of his mother's womb? Made in Va-China.
An astrologer asks a lady if she wanted to know her husband's future... To which she replied, "I decide his future, tell me about his past"
Why do bicycles fall over? They are two-tired.
What is the name of Apple's revolutionary new product that allows elite pirates to see from their eyepatches. The iEyeCaptain
For me, coming out as a teenager was the hardest thing I've experienced. God knows what it must have been like for my mother. Being in labour for that long.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Did you hear that Donald Trump's wife doesn't want him to run for president? She says she doesn't want to move into a smaller house.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we'll never run into again. If you don't you're probably it.
What were Charles Darwin's favorite fruits? Oranges and peaches.
Have you heard about the constipated math teacher? He worked the problem out with a pencil. On a sheet of paper.
smh, I bought tickets to Disney on ice & it was just 2 hours of Donald Duck smoking crystal meth
My grandmother tried keeping her hysterectomy a secret... ...but the doctors let the cat out of the bag.
Joe is a such generous guy. Once he went out on the town and got two blowjobs. He came back and gave me one!
"There are only 2 four letter words that are offensive to me - Don't and Stop.....unless they are used together..."
What do you call someone who has one parent that is a Jew? Jew...ish
What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.
If a man was born in England raised in  America and died in Spain what does that make him? Dead.
I bet if a soccer announcer sees a monster, he probably yells: "GHOOOOUL!"
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I just invented a new word: [plagiarism](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/277604/i_just_invented_a_new_word/)
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
What do you call a Mexican Baptism? Bean dip.
[family hears me pull in driveway] wife: please don't wrestling announcer: sorry ma'am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I think my ex girlfriend is obsessed with me... I just found a picture of us together in a bin outside her house!
A philosopher goes to a hotel. Philosopher: Can I get a room please? Receptionist: Sure. Which one? 2B or not 2B?
Who was the hide-and-seek champion of 2005? Nobody knows, they haven't found him yet.
What's the most difficult part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of 3... He says "uno... dos..." *poof*! and disappears without a tres.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it's someone's birthday and I need to show respect.
Why did NASA hire a proctologist? To help plan the trip to Uranus.
Worst dad jokes are emoticons Had a group message with family and my sister wanted to go get coffee. So my dad sent this *$ Enjoy
What's the difference between Buddhism and porn? Buddha teaches not to fill a hole in yourself with material possesions.
69ER'S GET SACKED Q: Why is 88 better than 69? A: Because you get ate twice.
Did you know princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested ...charged with battery. *drops mic*
There is only one true way to make your pancakes more metal Start referring to maple syrup as tree blood.
I got fired from my job at Pepsi I tested positive for Coke
So, it is clear now that the only person who can stop a Trump presidency is Hillary Clinton... ...by conceding in favour of Bernie Sanders.
Did you hear about the referee that got fired from the NBA? Supposedly he's a whistleblower.
I like my women how I like my coffee, Without a penis.
[planning for wedding] i found us a remote location "Omg where?" *points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV* The remote goes there now
Don't call me " bae " " baby " " babe " or " love " unless I'm the ONLY ONE you're calling that.
Do you? (X post from funny) There are 10 types of people on this planet, those who understand binary and those who don't. :)
Did you hear the one about the deaf kid? Neither did he.
A woman walks into a butcher and asks for a pound of kidleys The butcher says "do you mean kidneys?" She answers "that's what's I said diddly I"
Saw a chameleon today... must've been a really shitty chameleon.
I'm really good at sex I ALWAYS come 1st.
what do martial artists eat? kung food edit: the people making additional jokes are my heroes
I'm addicted to soap But I'm clean now
What do you call a Winston using his Jetpack?? A Boosted Animal
"Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense? Seriously. That other guy hasn't answered yet, and I'm dying to find out!
My parents went to Southeast Asia and all I got was this Laosy t-shirt.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing she just gagged a little.
What do you call Donald Trump's plane? Hair force one...
Dark humor is a lot like cancer Grown ups mainly get it but sometimes kids get it too.
My mate said he had a job putting down sick cats... Can't believe he gets paid to slay mad pussy.
My favourite X-Man is Iceman. He's a cool guy.
I wonder if I've come a lake yet.
The dumbest joke in the world Q: What's a Christian's least favorite typeface? A: Helvetica, it's the fount of all evil.
(My 3 favorite things are) My 3 favorite things are chicken pot pie. Doesn't even have to be in that order.
So I joined a fantasy football league I realize that I don't watch football, but I really wanted to see Gandalf pass the ball to Hermione only to be intercepted by a dragon.
What do you call a 2D fairy? Pixie-lated
Why do you never see red headed Jazz musicians? They have no soul...
Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
What's more fun then swinging a baby on a clothes line? Stopping it with a shovel.
Michael Schumacher. The second most damaging German fuckup in the French Alpines.
gf: Daddy me: don't call me that it's creepy gf: Sorry Baby me: that's better
How is using the Pirate Bay like hiring a prostitute? Only nerds brag about doing it
Quick question Do clippers games count as sold out if the stadium is three fifths full?
What's the similarity between your zero-exercise lifestyle and a professional weight-lifter competing in the Olympics? They both involve muscles and they both result in a-trophy.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? The pizza in the oven doesn't scream.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don't have any gigs. lol
What do you call a pensioner at a murder trial? A juryatric.
Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.
"They're meh." --Tony the Tiger, off his Paxil for a few days
What does socialism smell like? It has a Bernie smell.
I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say "babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner."
My birthday is this monday and i got 2 early b-day presents. I got 2 socks. One from my dad and one from my sister. Boy did they both hurt...
I'm at home eating grape jelly. That shit is my jam.
Two whales are sitting at a bar. One of them suddenly says: "Mmmwaaaaaaaooooomm!" The second whale looks over and and says: "Dude, you're really drunk."
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name. "Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left" "Recalculating, Bobcat, you're going rogue."
If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather Not screaming in terror like his passengers
My dad told what the capital of Greece actually is. It's Fathens.
My parrot was hit by a car today His last words were "Shit, theres a parrot on the road"
My 12yo son's protip: Buy larger sized clothes and you'll look like you lost weight. You're welcome.
My dad held me like he holds his beer By the neck and all day
A man died in a grain silo... He ran himself to death, trying to find a corner to pee in.
I'm not interested in your cat unless it's on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo. Better if you say this aloud.
What happened after 14-Year-Old Richie inherited his father's footwear empire? He came into a lot of socks.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I thought I would go and help out in Africa ...turns out they have enough aids.
Why are beekeepers opposed to keeping gorillas in captivity? They're ape purists
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a "gang" [Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] "Not a chance"
Why do most black men's eyes appear bloodshot after sex? Mace.
Why did the "pervert" cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the cbicken! Hahahaha
What do you call a caveman who likes to walk slowly all the time. A Meanderthal
*uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i'm a hobbit
2 people got in an argument on the other side of the makeshift boat i'm on. So I yelled, what's with all the Rift-Raft over there!?
The WNBA Sorry, I put the punchline in the title
Do you think Dr. Seuss' wife liked to be called Ma? Because if so she would be a Ma Seuss.
I'd like to tell you about two things: reverse psychology and recycling. But, nah, Reddit wouldn't wanna hear it...
Why did Kermit break up with Miss Piggy? He wasn't ready for a Kermitment.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip."
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Theory: The Winter Olympics were invented by the cowbell industry.
What kind of movies do Scientologists like? Cult classics
The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*
I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger
What is M. Night Shyamalan's favorite pastry? A cinema-n twist.
Are you a solution of bismuth technetium hydride with a pH of 14? Because you're one basic BiTcH
I've heard like eight cancer jokes today... If I hear another one it's gonna benign
Identify a superhero: You see him flying: Superman If you see him climbing: Spiderman If you see him swimming: Aquaman If you see him exploding: Musulman
If you're in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The more I think about it the more I fucking HATE Rutherford B. Hayes!
What's hairy and has five fingers? A thalidomide's armpit
Do you guys like Civil War jokes? Because General Lee I don't find them funny.
Why did the cop shoot the insomniac? He was resisting a rest
Why did the plane crash because the pilots we're muffins
Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer? Because the grass tickles their balls when they run.
Trump's first act as president Gives away the First Lady's job to an immigrant. #ThanksDonald
Do I at least get to yell "Jenga!" if my life falls apart?
Pansexuality is the best... fuck the rest.
What does walking a tightrope and having period sex have in common? You don't want to look down, in either case.
My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)
Reddit administration.
When testing, make like a frat boy And bang out the easy ones first
Why was the Baker a part-time drug dealer? Because he really kneaded the dough. (please forgive me for that awful pun)
Internet speeds would be a lot faster if it wasn't for all the bandwidth hogs watching their cats sleep by webcam.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic
To a struggling artist: "Don't give up... ...the day job."
what is 40 feet long and only has 3 teeth? The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.
Hillary Clinton sucks! No she doesn't, because if she did Bill wouldn't have Monica.
What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff? [A Good Start.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obKLdou0LH0)
Jokes on reddit are always original and hilarious.
Facebook should have a relationship status called: Fu*k I don't know....Ask her
I'm not racist Because racism is a crime. And crime is for black people.
I met a farmer today Hes not well known, but hes out standing in his field.
Ghost cat: how'd you die? Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down GC: i got hit by a car GD: I know GC: ilu
Why is Jar Jar Binks so lonely? He's been looking for love in Alderaan places.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to blog about how empowering it was.
3 women in a bar.. talking about how loose they are. One fits a sausage one fits a cocumber and the other one slides down the bar stool.
What do you call a bunch of phones having sex? A 4G.
Just once in my life, I'd like to know the sweet satisfaction of finishing a tube of ChapStick.
I like my women how I like my coffee. Without a penis
You're more likely to find something when you're not looking for it. Right now, I'm not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.
If I was a gay dude, I'd be all like "Not tonight, I had Taco Bell for lunch."
[slides briefcase of money across the counter] "two big macs please" [opens briefcase to reveal $7]
My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole. I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?
Old man ear hair is an evolutionary survival trait based on 10's of thousands of years to drown out spousal bitching
My mf kid poured a bag of Cheerios crumbs in my bed like she saw the horse head in godfather and thought I can beat that
"Mr Bush, do you want my coke?" "Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away* "Hey kid...catch" *kid turns around to see incoming plane*
2 sheep are standing in a meadow... One turns to the other and says "Baaa-aaa-aaa-aaaa". the other looks at him and says "...I was just gonna say that."
What's worse than AIDS? Beads.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They already did it before it was cool.
Why did Batman climb the tree? He was looking for Robin's nest.
Whats similar between a non alcoholic beer and your sisters pussy Tastes right but feels wrong
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
What do xbox services and prostitutes have in common? They both take my money then go down on me
A Cellular Service Provider Joke What did the man with Verizon say to the woman with Sprint? You better Sprint on over to the Verizon store.
What do you call a hookers fart? A prostitoot
Guide to DIY: 1. Double the cost estimate. 2. Double the time it should take. 3. Live with it for 3 months 4. Hire someone to fix it.
Doctor Doctor I've got bad teeth  foul breath and smelly feet. Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it's negative.
Birthdays are great... ... but too many of them will kill you.
What's a pedophile's favorite shoe? White vans
Why Indian restaurants are so good at JavaScript? Because they do curry so well
Whats brown and sticky? A stick.
What's good about Switzerland? Not much, but the flag is a big plus.
Still can't find my keys. I should probably check the everything bagel.
I went into a book shop and asked for a book about turtles "Hardback" said the woman behind the counter "Yes" I replied, "and small heads"
Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because its two tired.
what do you call a Kentucky farm girl who can run faster than her dad? A Virgin
How can you tell if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bert ! Bert who ? Bert the dinner !
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says"Daddy, you did it!" If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she'll flip out.
What's the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath? You can't ride your bike on a sociopath
My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together
"Let It Go" performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I asked my dad if I was adopted... He said, "No, but not from lack of trying."
Name a sub genre of Engineering PORN Armature
Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
My mom threw away all my Linkin Park CDs and kicked me out of the house. But in the end it doesn't even matter.
Me: What do you want for breakfast? 4yo: Bagel Me: *makes it 4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alec ! Alec who ? Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock !
The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive, "Hi".
Coworker: It'll either work or it won't. Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food? Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.
Jus made the jerk off motion at a baby because his mom is using coupons.
How many SRSers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They wait for the electrician to make a mistake and yell at them for doing it wrong.
The chances of Donald Trump being elected.
ShermanFury @ShermanFury, so clever....
I only drink out of jugs labelled XXX and I carry my money in a big sack with a dollar sign on the side. Everyone thinks I'm cool as hell.
Crayons are a lot like M&M's. All of the colors taste the same.
What is a cats favorite website? Reddot.com
A local establishment wants to press charges on me for getting an erection on their property. Luckily for me, they have no hard evidence.
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here!" Mushroom says, "Come on, I'm a fungi!"
Mum could you write me a P.E. note? dear miss My daughter has requested i write a note for P.E. hear it is.. I found this funny i found it on the mirrors website, like this actually happened ha
I painted my computer black thinking it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.
I tried to teach my penis how to type... but he's just a hunt and pecker.
Procrastination is like masturbation... It feels good at first, but in the end, you realize that you just fucked yourself.
I have reached a stage where I'm looking for a real eye opener for a girl friend. It would be a nice change because all my previous girl friends were Asian.
all my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
A hungry termite walks into a pub.. And yells, Is the bar tender here?!?'
My favourite Vikings joke. Blair Walsh
What is the difference between Hitler and a gay person 90 degrees
What do you get when you mix a monkey and a midget? Tom Cruise
Boob Job What do you call the space between a woman's enhanced breasts? Ans: Silicon Valley.
How much space does fungi need to grow? As mushroom as possible :)
Why were the bakers hands brown? Because he was kneading a shite
There are four guys walking down the sidewalk. The first three walk into a bar. The last one ducked.
Have you heard of the newest study? Experts say that 82% of people believe what is said in make-believe studies when they claim that they are confirmed by experts.
You know why I love space Murph? you keep gettin older. I stay the same age.
What did the prolapsed anus say to the sock? I like your hat.
My friend just passed the bar exam. I need lawyer jokes. GO! What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? . . . Stick his bill up his ass.
Can I get an amen? Saw this today
What do you call the object Attila the Hun uses to brush his leg hair? A Hun knee comb.
I told a waitress she was much prettier without glasses so she set down her tray of drinks.
Him: Do you swallow? Me: Every time I chew.
What do you get when you let 25,000 Syrian refugees into Canada during the winter? Isisicles
So last year I dressed up as a bop it for Halloween... I should've known I'd end up in jail
[Buzzfeed for Cats] 6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM -Vacuum cleaner -Walls -The floor -Air -Yourself -Nothing. Nothing at all
Seriously, this is the last time I trust a baby with firearms.
Indian food tasted a little off at the restaurant it was a naan issue
Why could Donald Trump never be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it's full of skeletons now
How do you hold your liqour? I hold mine by the ears.
Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.
What's it called when Batman ditches church? Christian bail.
Did you hear about the intimate blind couple? It was love at first.
Did you hear about the infection who made a Youtube video? He went viral...
If a person were to give a speech about Mozart, where would they be most likely to do it? On the Dias On the Dias Oh Oh Oh, on the dais.
If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down. That leaves a wide range of colors I have no idea what to do with.
I don't know what is more nerve wrecking... this first kiss or the first fart.
Okay, calm down. It's a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
What is a black belt's favorite beverage? Kara-tea.
"Does your dad play any sports?" "No, my dad hates sports" *dad walks in* "Hey there, Sport"
According to Steve Jobs, what type is the pokemon Scizor? Feature/Borrow
Yo mama so fat... She auditioned for Gargantua in the movie Interstellar but got rejected for being too fat
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
George Bush and his son like to refer to each other as "41" and "43." I don't know why they'd be so proud of IQ's that low.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 11 seconds.
I had sex with an asian woman in an elevator... It was Wong on so many levels
I used to be a street performer But I could only accept credit cards; it didn't make any cents.
How to open new toy: 1. Cut tape with machete. 2. Take shot. 3. Undo 23,518 twist ties. 4. Take 3 shots. 5. Watch child play with box.
Stop saying "There's plenty of fish in the sea." I'm sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"
Why was the burger thrown out of the Army? He couldn't pass mustard! (muster)
Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow? Give that bitch a shovel. (I'm not really a sexist pig... But that's still one of my favorite jokes.)
So a man comes into a bar... No wait it was a horse! So a man comes into a horse...
Will we just know how to play the harp in heaven, or do we need to arrange lessons beforehand?
What do you call a Chinese rapist? Peking Dick
I would never skydive. http://i.imgur.com/uRJyOmB.png
This hot chick at the harbor said that she really dug the way that I ate those Oysters. All I could say was "Shucks."
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was.
My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Severe Dandruff... He's been really flaky lately.
What's a hillbillies favorite holiday? Halloween.... Do you want to know why? Because they like to pump kin.
I made up a new word Plagiarism
Apparently vegetables can hear when they're being eaten. So I always drown mine in salad dressing first. Because it's the Romaine thing to do.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room? Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
I found a T.O.E. It's on the end of my F.O.O.T.
Barber: Your hair is getting grey  Sir. Customer: I'm not surprised - hurry up will you?
a lady walks into her house but then the she realizes she does not have a home for living and is sleeping in trash bag
What do sluts shower them selves in? Cum........ I'm sorry a friend told me this and i thought it was so bad i needed to post it.
Turns out the "Mac" guy from those "Mac and PC" commercials is an avid Windows supporter. What a Long con.
I took my boat out the other day and it made sounds as if it were sick. So I took it to the dock.
Why should you date a girl who is good with her hands and plays soccer? Because she's probably a keeper.
What do you call the spicy version of Cream of Someyoungguy? Cream of Someyoungthai.
Thank you for calling the constipation hotline... Please hold.
How did the hipster burn his fingertips? He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool. [rimshot]
"Tweet it" is the new laughing.
What do male prostitutes and Inspector Clouseau have in common? They're both Peter Sellers
Do you know how a frog listens to music? It uses the iPond...
DEATH: You're grounded! Get back here! DEATH'S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope* DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
What do you call jokes about bread? buns
Why cant the Rolling stones ever be pastors? We all know they dont gather mass.
My friend Jerry and I built a house... It was absolutely floorless. I mean we really nailed it this time. Not like the last one that we screwed up. This time we just did a really wood job.
I've decided to write a 'knock knock' joke about Jehovah's witnesses. "Knock, Knock, Knock , knock knock knock knock knock "
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat... The bartender shot him before he even made it back to the door.
Making Zombies Moist delete
Meatloaf just collapsed on stage Mom is losing her skills in the kitchen
I used to be a head chef. I guess it's just part of being a cannibal.
What is the least pleasant state to live in? Missouri.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Ten Dollar Hooker A man goes to see a ten dollar hooker, then he gets crabs. He goes back to her to complain and she tells him "What the hell did you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"
A loving couple just bought a new house The man says "We really need a basement." The wife replies "Oh come on, as if the size of your sex organ wasn't enough for you already."
What do you call a top-ranking Mexican dude that oversees everything? Senor Manager
What do I have in common with middle Eastern women? We both get stoned to death on a regular basis in public.. And nobody around seems to mind.. And some people ask for hits..
My Friends Call Me A Pedophile Because she's 18 and I'm 30, but I'll be damned if I let them ruin our seven year anniversary.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Great big holes all over australia
I AM THE BOSS DO NOT FORGOT Boss hangs a poster in Office "I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET" He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk. "Ur wife called, she wants her poster back home."
I hate colored pencils. I'd rather dye than use them.
Good news! I'm not a 30 year old virgin anymore! Happy birthday to me!
Hillary clinton might be the first f president Sorry I meant female but the emale got deleted
Why did the film critic protest the new children's cemetery? He's not a fan of juvenile plots.
Last weekend I went to shooting practice, when I was done I needed a ride so I called up my buddy and asked if he could pick me up, he said sure where u at Then I said, the pre school
My girlfriend called me pedophile earlier. That's a big word for an eight year old
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Dad: Let's talk, we never talk. Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something... Dad: You can tell me anything. Me: I'm Batman. Dad: Get out.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
One time I described myself as "laid back" and a dictionary became sentient and told me to learn what words mean
What do you call an abusive pothead? A weed whacker.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Chef ! Chef who ? Chef Bridges !
McDonald's uses canola oil, Five Guys uses peanut oil, and Taco Bell uses... castor oil
I don't think Muslims go far enough.... I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
[jungle book] bagheera: "you can't fight him like a wolf, you're NOT a wolf, fight him like a man" mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
What does a baby computer call it's father? Data
A good pun is hard to find, like a good steak... *The medium's rarely well-done.*
We both want it. My lips part. His do, too. The tension pulsates. "I'll take the one w/ sprinkles!" And that's how I got the last one.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Don't take drugs... for granted.
Why did the horse get a DUI? She had too many maretinis
Report card day: The only day where double D's are a bad thing.
I'm too hip
Don't "psh" me, Coca Cola I just opened.
An Englishman walks into a bar. There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an Irishman too. But they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
How do landscapers keep their seams from ripping? Well let me tell you; They don't beat around the bush! They nip it in the bud and use Hem-Lock!
What's the difference between Hitler and cops? Come on, he wasn't that bad.
New guy at work is getting all the attention because of his third nipple... He wont stop milking it!
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? just 2.
How do astronauts make a party? They planet.
A magical tractor is driving down a road... and turns into a field.
Why did hipster burn himself? He drank the Coffee before it was cool
I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because... According to Bill, she doesn't suck.
What do you call it when an employee poops in the food at a Chinese restaurant? Shitty wok
Asian guy walks into a salon... Asian guy walks into a salon and says "I want to get my ass hole breached."
What's a bitch's favorite form of advertisement? A paw pup.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom? I mean, look at their costumes.
Just accidentally messaged my husband "love you sexy beats" instead of "sexy beast" and now he thinks he's some sort of DJ.
[OC] What do you call an orange that just sex Marma-laid
I recently found out my blood type is A+ However, in my tests I only get B or less. Doesn't success run in my blood?
How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.
Well, well, well... Welcome to stutter class.
What's a wrestling chef's signature move? A Soufflex
What drink did the Karate Master order? Wa-tah! Haha. I'll leave now... (Sorry if already posted. I searched a little bit but found nothing.)
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said "sank you." So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
What's pink lives in a sty and drinks  blood? A hampire.
Yo mama is so ugly the government moved halloween to her birthday.
ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body. HER: Did they? ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?
TIFU when my HS friends and me tried to pull a prank on a substitute teacher wrong sub
Why do Farts Smell so Bad? So the deaf can enjoy them too.
What did the Vegetarian say when he wanted to eat meat? "Going vegetarian was a missteak"
Gay roulette... ...when you have a glory hole and there's a 20% chance you're getting a dude.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork Chop!
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.
Dont hit me! Thats whats she said. Bazzinga
A new drug has just been developed for lesbians with depression. It's called trycoxagain.
You are not a Cheeta if you do it in the Hyena. You are not a Cheeta if you do it in the Hyena.
Autocorrect will be the dress of me
Get rich quick scheme #12 Sell windows/glass in Baltimore
I once dated a girl who said she was turned on by "Black eyes" So I punched her in the face. Turns out I heard her wrong.
"On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you're in charge." - my advice to new teachers
Knock knock Whos there? Im a peace op! Im a peace op who?
What do you call nuts on the wall??? (NSFW language) ...wallnuts! What do you call nuts on your chest??? ...chestnuts! What do you call nuts on your chin??? ...a mouth full of c0ck!!!
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
A teenage boy asks his granny: 'Have you seen my pills, they are labelled LSD? Granny: "Fuck the pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
Rene Descartes walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Can I get you a drink?" Descartes starts to say, "I think not--" but he disappears. I AM SO FUNNY, RIGHT GUISE?
The Flat Earth Society Has members all around the globe.
Did you know you can use voice-to-text on Twitter so this tweet came from my mouth and also stop staring at me people on this bus.
What did the cell say to its sister when she stepped on her toe? Mitosis
Is it offensive to refer to Egyptians as "mummies"?
I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
Poor Hillary Clinton... I haven't seen someone hit a glass ceiling this hard since Goose from Top Gun
Birthday present A little boy's parents asked what he wanted for his upcoming birthday. The boy thought about it and simply replied "I wanna watch" So they let him
Why is Donald Trump so intent on building a wall with Mexico? To stop the workers at his construction site from running back!
I'm going to wear a Seahawks jersey to my next exam so I know that i'll pass.
What do you call a doll with a fiddle and a hatred of Jews? A Doll Fiddler
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Some people are so fake that they make Pamela Anderson's boobs look real!
What do you call a gay sailor who happens to have a cold? Phlegmbuoyant.
What did I do when I had a bomb strapped to me chest? Iran
What comes up but never comes down? Russian Cosmonauts
What do you call it when a turtle beats a rabbit in a race? Aesop story.
If I could have any superpower It would be Cold War Russia
What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea? Help! I'm melting!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
What do you get when you cross the Italian mafia with the Russian mafia? Thrown in a lake.
So my friend asked me if I wanted some Sodium Hypobromite... and I was like, NaBrO
Ladies, don't date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
What do you call a four-legged significant other? Dear
You'd give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?
I've always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must've been really difficult.
What do you call it... What do you call it when a bus and a car are put together? 12 Casualties
how did mario find a ghost? He used a luigi board.
You can't spell 'creative' without 'weed'.
Sometimes my eye-rolls are the most exercise I get all day.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.
I love to post jokes while crossing the stre
When it comes to self deprecation I'm the just worst.
Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there's nothing left?
How is it called when you get a blowjob from Oliver Queen? arrow head
Interviewer : So you're super fast at math? Me : Yup I : Ok, what's 346x48? Me : 804 I : That's not correct Me : Fast though.
Why didn't the recently single goose lose her job when she made a mistake? Because she had one heck of an ex-goose
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.
I got a dig bick. You this read wrong. You read that wrong too.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because his mother was in a jam.
If vegetarians eat vegetables.... ....beware the Humanist!
You must have been born on a highway... ...because that's where most accidents happen. Thanks random kid on CS:GO.
How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit hahaha asuhhhh dude
What happens when you drive an expensive German luxury car into a tree Your Mercedes Bends
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were  leaving.
If you're going to bother Google with a search, it is polite to type "excuse me" first.
Hey grandson, what's the name of that german man who makes me go crazy? Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...
What is Nux's favorite browser? Chrome.
With the unemployment rate so high, why are people still getting neck tattoos?
What do you call a woman who can't draw? Tracy
[Starbucks Assassins Inc] CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John BARISTA: [writes] Jamie C: Ok. Memorise it B: [eyes shut] Janet
Whats blue and doesn't weigh much? Light Blue.
Why did the soviet plane crash? It was stalin
Where can you always find kids by themselves? edit: i forgot to say please.
I want my ashes scattered when I die. I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.
What is a psychic medium? ...smaller than a psychic large.
Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown? A: The food tastes funny.
If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this: - Tickle it - If HE laughs it's a male - If SHE laughs it's a female
What did Obama say to his depressed painter? It's going to be all white.
I went to my first Ethiopian electronic concert yesterday The DJ was MT Stomach
How to stop procrastinating I don't know but I'll figure it out later
I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That's not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
German knock knock joke: "Knock Knock" - "Who's th..." **VE ASK ZHE KVESTIONS HERE!**
I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Why Is Santa So Jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live &gt;:)
Police Officer: Why did you lead me  on a five-state chase? Driver: I love to travel.
What did the Spanish guidance counselor tell his students? You have to have gooooooaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllssssssssss!!!!!
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don't wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Why didn't Hitler get tertiary education? He couldn't stand Jew-near college.
Why can't a t-Rex clap it's hands? Because it's extinct.
Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
Ice lollies Are like regular drinks for really patient people.
I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long. That's OK. I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it.
So Fabio is endorsing a new line of Fleshlights They're calling them "I can't believe it's not butt."
A skeleton walks into a bar... ...and orders a beer and a mop.
What do you call it when a prostitute makes paper birds? Whore-igami
Why Are Germans Buried 20 Feet Underground? Because deep down they're real nice
A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else He died of a concussion
Has anyone here heard of the Mexican train conductor who went crazy and ran over a bunch of people? He had locomotives!
thought I was watching Twilight for 45 min then I realized I was in an alley watching a dog bark at a dead cat next to some cardboard.
Donald Trump was just issued a notice by the IRS Ordering him toupee up.
When I wss a kid I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts For eating a Brownie.
Why did the double arm amputee unsubscribe from r/jokes? He lost his sense of humerus.
Knock knock. Who's there? A cow. A cow who? Not a cow "who"! A cow moos. An owl says "who".
What do you call it when you do papercrafts with seaweed? Norigami.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Hitler Hitler had supporters.
How do you tell if you're a real gangster? Take a blud test [OC]
Just like crime, slavery doesn't pay.
"If life hands me lemons I'll be an Arnold Palmer." - Ice T
What did the woman say when she was diagnosed with cerebal palsy? Nothing, she was too disabled to speak
PC gamers don't take hot showers. They take Steam-y ones.
I'm having an out of money experience.
Why did Steve Jobs lose on the X Factor? because Sam sung better than him
What did the retarded kid get on his IQ test? Drool
What did the cannibal ask for at the cruiseline buffet? The passenger list.
Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was "he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid's ears"
What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin pi!
My computer can sing it's A Dell
Here's a dirty joke A clown in the mud.
What do you call a computer that says hello to you when you start it up? A Dell.
Give me your best "Your mom..." joke! Like this: Your mom is so fat she ate the Internet!
My friend compared me to a singular cloud in an otherwise blue summer sky No one wants me around. Which admittedly is pretty great...I had no idea he thought so highly of me.
Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
I was burgled last night, someone stole all my documents. I was de-filed.
Katie Price and Osama Bin Laden have topped a poll of most unpopular people to sit next to on a plane, but to be fair, with either one a blow job is guaranteed.
how do you starve a black person? the same way you would a white person.... you racist.
It's bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.
Making a phone call that goes straight to voicemail releases dopamine.
What do you call a brony in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
Why is camping so exciting? Because it's in tents.
Hey Cutie ever do it in a sleigh?
if a plumber's career can go down the drain... And a fireman's job can go up in smoke, can a hooker get laid off?
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
My dad told me they once had to cancel a football season because John Madden ate all of the footballs.
You know you need to lose weight........... when your girlfriend wants to suck your tits.
Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second... "How do i get to the other side of the river" The second man shouts back : "You are on the other side of the river."
Guys, I lost my baby teeth
I am a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. I lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
My sister said I'm being immature. I guess she isn't getting her nose back
My friend gets mad when I mention he only has one ball. That's no reason to get testy.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads... Sandwich: $5.00 Handjob: $10.00 Repost a joke the next day: 1500 up votes Now, please, wash your hands and make me a sandwich.
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps could finish a race.
I'm going to change my name to Blake. So I can ask my girl if she wants to wake and Blake.
When do burgers quit their jobs? The day they decide to meat LOAF!
California legalized marijuana I guess they had a high voter turnout.
Does this bus stop at the river? If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.
I just cleaned out my Facebook friends list. Congratulations if you are reading this! I still like you!
[Crime Scene] Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim. [in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. "Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door"
Casey Anthony Kim Kardashian's Marriage was Shorter than the line of Trick-or-Treat ers outside Casey Anthony's House
Shopping for insect repellent spray is so sexy.... I always get Off.
I don't sit crossed legged to be classy, I'm holding my tampon in
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
What do you have to know to be an auctioneer? Lots
Did Russell Crow feel bad after he ate his wife? Nah! He was Gladiator!
Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin? They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.
What was the last thing Arnold Schwarzenegger said before he was eaten by cannibals? "I'll be snack."
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Why is dangerous to have sex in canada eh'ds everywhere
What did the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac do? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
My boss gave me a nice pat on the back the other day.. It made things a bit awkward on the shitter though.
What do you call an arrogant robber? a condescending condescending
Thats the thing about incontinence pants.. .. you're in control.
I now have a black girlfriend I severely burnt my hand on the stove
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son's grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up... Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough. Gynecologist: Um, your legs
Old MacDonald was dyslexic H-R-T-Q-P
I caught my wife in bed with another man, I was crushed... So I said, "Get off me you two!"
A guy was playing a guitar... ..got arrested for fingering A-minor
what do you say about a high mountain? its pretty stoned
Give a man a fish and he will think, "What a creepy gift." Teach a man to fish and he will think, "My god, I have never known such boredom"
Both my son and daughter love reddit. That must mean it's heredditary.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.
Why is the grass in Anfield Stadium so green? They are constantly putting millions of pounds of crap on it.
Best Knock Knock joke Knock Knock. Who's there? Dunup. Dunup who?
How about an app that keeps track of every working automatic paper towel dispenser in the world? All seven or eight of them.
What do you call the german version of Harry Potter? Heinrich Potter, and the chamber of gas.
Can't wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
How do we know God isn't black? Because then he would've said "I is who I is"
Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet? Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news? Doctor: No. Me: Then, no, I haven't.
I know 3 people who are clinically insane: Me.
Yes, autocorrect, that's right. I hate that stupid ditch
My doctor was concerned about my health My doctor was concerned about my colon's health and wanted two stool samples, but I couldn't give two shits.
I just put the L earbud in my right ear and the R in my left ear and every punchline I came up with for this joke sucked ass.
why does looking at animals covered in oil make me sad, but looking at animals covered in oil and deep-fried make me hungry?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It's like, why did I have kids.
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S manufacturing non-competitive... Donald Trump, 2012.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then peppery spray by the police... he is now a seasoned veteran
whenever my Girlfriend say something funny... i reply: Hahahahahhavesexwithmehahahah
What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor? Will I really sink if you take your fingers out?
What is trees' preferred drug? Water. It helps them get high.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
It still takes me a while before I completely trust any woman whose name is mentioned in "Mambo No. 5".
My friend was having trouble with girls, so I told him there's plenty fish in the sea He's since been charged with beastiality.
Why was 5 afraid of 6? Because 6 7 8! ...(in honor of May 4th Star Wars day)...
Don't shop when hungry. Don't date when horny. Don't update your status when drunk
I could add boolean operators to my search... OR NOT
Why did the bike fall over? It was too tired
I saw a chameleon the other day ...Lazy Fucker
Why do people order espresso shots at Starbucks? Because it's black. Sorry.
Did you hear about the prize for the Amish children's cooking competition? Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet
what is a deaf person's favorite cereal? shredded what
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter? Santa would never free an elf.
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottsman? The Rolling Stones say "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" And a Scottsman says "Hey McLeod, get of me ewe!"
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge. I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Why are bunnies so good at brewing? Cause beer is made with hops.
The homeless problem would be solved if. . . . . the Big Issue had tits in it.
"I don't understand swimming. You don't see fish going for a walk."
I'm at my most "floor manager" when I'm falling down drunk.
What was the name of the heaviest man in china? Won ton
[Signing waiver for the show Cops] No no, you don't have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
There once was a lady from Madrass... There once was a lady from Madrass Who had a magnificent ass Not pretty and pink as you may think But had long ears and ate grass. Credit: Playboy, circa 1970s
What's the name of the jewish spider? Spidermann
Shout-out to cows. Without them we wouldn't have burgers, pizza, chocolate, ice-cream and many other delicious food.
What do you get when you cross a turd and a mailbox? Shitpost.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet
Why don't witches wear panties? Because they need to grip the broom!
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? a pok-e-mon!
BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.
I think elephants are overprotected But I suppose it's easy for me to say that from my ivory tower.
What's Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.
I used to think Ronda Rousey was so hot But tonight I saw a total knockout
What did the plate say to the other plate? "dinner's on me"
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup. I'm going to have the best vowel movement.
I know a guy who doesn't love Raymond.
I'm usually not into butt plugs... ...it's actually the other way around :)
On Halloween, how do skeletons call their friends? With their iBone.
Have you seen that clip of the LGBT stripper who's incorporated martial arts into her routine? No? Well if you want to, just Google "Gypsy Bruce Lee".
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he's wrong and you are positive their names are "Batman and Robert".
Burger King: Have a chicken fry again! But Sensei, I thought they could arways fry
What does an unborn fetus and a tube of toothpaste have in common? Neither of them can be used as functional tables.
I called my ex a cow Animal control had to show up
Not saying I'm special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.
Who's the most unpopular person at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch football match? The person who shouted "Give me an L!"
What did one lesbian pirate say to the other? Scissor me timbers!
"This does not bode well." - a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he's returning a boder.
A man came into a bar....no, wait, it was a horse. A man came into a horse.......
Egyptian joke A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
There was a mass sodomy at the McDonald farm. Everyone found out because the pig squealed.
I got a sweater for Christmas... ...but what I really wanted was a moaner or a screamer. From: Jerry "The King" Lawler"
Joke What do Twitter drama and football have in common? They are both interesting to watch.
On $15 I could travel the world.. of Warcraft
What if there was a Christian version of ISIS called CHRISIS?!
Everyone's excited for the new Minecraft movie. It's sure to be a real blockbuster
Woman in bed: Aaagh! Aaagh! A ghost just floated into my room! Ghost: Don't worry ma'am I'm just passing through.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo - Cole's Law
If I had a nickel for every time I had sex, I would ask my pimp for a raise.
What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love? A stupid Cupid!
What's the difference between Hillary and a piece of fruit? [deleted]
What did the fisherman and his girlfriend do last night? Net fish and krill
I have this strange feeling that the current VP of the USA is going to do something ridiculous to Pence But he is just Biden his time
Nguyen and Nguyen, Attorneys at Law "It's always a win-win with us!"
How did the possessed lady lose weight? Diet and exorcise.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they're called iPumaPants.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Did you hear about what the medics found on Paul Walker's radio? His face.
Accidentally feng shui'd tonight when everybody wang chunged and I've never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
So I recently discovered there's a black man in my family tree... he's still hanging there.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in! GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I'm good.
I was going to kill myself. A : A week ago I wanted to kill myself. B : What? How? A : I'd jump off the roof. B : What changed your mind? A : I'm afraid of heights.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
"Mommy, could you please make me a sandwich?" "Don't call me "mommy" just because I slept with your father!" "So what am I supposed to call you?" "Just call me Steve, like everybody else."
Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..." "All of mine sucked"
I'm not saying my wife is fat... ...but when she lost her virginity, it wasn't so much a case of deflowering as deforestation.
What do you call a jazz musician without a girlfriend? Homeless
What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What file archiver do Tigers use? Win-Rawr.
I always pretend I've never had the samples at Costco. "What's this? Bagel Bites? Combining bagel & pizza into one?? Now this I GOTTA TRY!"
How do you spell 'way' with an 'f'? There's no 'f' in way
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
"I faked all my LOLs." -A Twitter romance comes to a dramatic end.
What do airlines and prostitutes have in common? You pay them and get fucked
My NY friends complain I never have to shovel in LA. Yeah? You think these heaps of broken dreams will get off the sidewalk themselves?
I like my Jews like I like my juice. Concentrated.
Two caw are standing in a field Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease? Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.
You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic
[Writing Silence of the Lambs] Anyone have an idea for the cannibal's name? Jim: Hannibal? Anyone? Jim: Hannibal Anyone other than Jim?
I've just opened a casino for dogs where they can play roulette, poker blackjack etc... They'll have to go outside for craps though.
Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.
It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.
Are u cold? http://imgur.com/qfirGti
Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
woke this morning with a thin white thread hanging from my mouth Hoped for a teabag
I'll straight up dive off a cutting board and cut shit on a diving board I don't give a shit anymore.
I think of immigration like I think of sex. It is more fun if everyone comes.
What do you call it when you can't decide between a natural birth and the hospital? A midwife crisis.
What's the difference between having a son and having a daughter? If you have a son, there's only one penis you have to worry about.
Women Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad
George Michael walks into a bar... The barman says, "George, you've got chocolate on your shirt!". "I know," replies George, "It was a Careless Wispa."
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school? He didn't work well with udders.
Something I hate When people older than 30 have sex with 18 year olds. It's like they want to be pedophiles but aren't ready to commit.
Two guys are on a boat with three cigarettes but nothing to light it with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[marriage counseling] He barely knows who I am anymore "That's not true, Karen" LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
eating cereal in the shower isn't saving me as much time as i thought.
Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Because that's where the mini apple is!
*robs neighbor's chicken coop* *serves poached eggs*
You wana hear a cat joke? Naw, I'm just kitten.
Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
Want to hear my tribute to Elvis? Thanks, Elvis.
I hate when people ask me what I see myself doing in 5 years...... I don't have 2020 vision
Biology Joke When a plant is sad, what do other plants do? Photosympathize
I was telling people about my Mona Lisa joke... but I wasn't getting much of a smile about it.
What's the opposite of a basic bitch? An acidic bitch.
Just by looking at her smile, I can tell how good a girl is at oral... hygiene.
What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist bastard.
So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift. Well, he was obviously coming down with something.
Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job? It was all over the news! (Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)
What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist bastard!
Why are blondes bad a judging distance? They have no idea what 12 inches actually looks like. I for some reason could not find a way to phrase this any better. Credit to my coworker.
When does one play a corny game? You play it by ear.
What do you call a fake noodle? an IMPASTA
Eagles QB Michael Vick is engaged to be married. But both Rappers Pitbull and Snoop Dogg declined the invitation.
I posted ten puns hoping one of them would make it to the front page No pun in ten did
One Direction broke up Everything was just going south.
Three strippers walk into a bar Mitzvah
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question, feminists cant change anything!
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
What's the first part of a stripper to blow? The knee. It's a load-bearing joint.
I Like My Coffe Like I Like My Slaves Free
What do you call salesman with a lisp? Rodger. He's the one with the lisp, not you, so why would you call him anything different?
What do you call transgender Hershey's chocolate? Himshey's chocolate...
I like my girls like I like my windows... 7
A kid has a nightmare amd runs to his mom's room "Moom I just wet the bed!" he cried. "...so did I!" she exclaimed, quickly shutting her sock drawer.
The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
Dinner with Jesus Say you have a dinner date with Jesus, in a fine Italian restaurant, what would he order ? Jesus takes the veal !
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One but he must consult the DSM-IV.
Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.
How do you stop a lawyer from drownng? Shoot him before he hits the ground
What organ do only British people have? The Eng gland.
Alex: A ship that has sunk What is my relationship? Alex: No sorry tha- [glares at wife] I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Joke contest site
What's 10 inches long and white? Nothing.
A black kid has diarrhea... ...and he runs screaming to his mom: "Momm, momm, I am melting!!"
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking  I'm a nit Will you get out of my hair !
My job sent me to a sexual harassment seminar last week... And now, I'm thinking I'm gonna be pretty good at it.
What do you call haunted titties? BOOOOOBIES!
2 scientists enter a bar... The first scientist asks the bartender : "H2O please" and drinks his water. The second scientist asks : "H2O too please", drinks it and dies.
My companies biggest customer is the state of Missouri. I guess it's safe to say Missouri loves my company.
God must be a woman Because just like my wife, she's always right
*Makes joke on Twitter* *5 Retweets* *Makes same joke on Facebook* *5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
*[At the dinner table]* "No grandma, those aren't knitting needles. We're having Chinese food"
I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger then it hit me!
Beer must contain Estrogen... When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.
Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business? He got too attached to his work.
Heard a great black joke today. Have you guys heard the one about the honest hard working black guy? Me neither.
That awkward moment when you have to get over someone you never even dated.
Asian Penises are like.... needles, they're small but when they poke it hurts.
I make the McDonald's guy eat a McDouble with me like when people buy shots for the bartender
Now THAT's what I call music! And THIS? THIS is what I call a movie. Oh & over there? A TV show! Don't even get me started on YouTube videos
How do Emo kids reward themselves? Gold Scars. I'll see myself out.
What does a Muslim redneck wear? A murka
What did the robber with an errection say? This is a stick-up.
You know what they say about big hands... Big clock.
I thought I had Tinnitus but the doctor said it was all in my head.
What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite beer? Yeungling. He can kill off a 12-pack by himself.
Doc, for all the good that suppository did me... I could have shoved it up my ass!
KID: Why's the sky blue DAD: It's sad MOM: Light refraction DAD: ... MOM: ... DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Whats common between the world trade centres and genders? There were once two but now they're too offensive to talk about.
"This went straight to my junk mail for some reason" = "I'm lying to you for some reason"
Palin: I'm seriously considering a presidential run. Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means? Palin: Don't refudiate me.
Why doesnt McDonalds serve snail? Because of sanitation reasons.
Did you hear about the dolphin who went thru a existential crisis? Turns out, he lost his sense of porpoise.
Did you hear about the Native American who tried to drink 200 cups of tea? He nearly drowned in his own tea pee
Bondage devotees trussed each other.
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit but it wouldn't matter.
I got into a fight with an artist last night... We drew.
How do you make a tissue dance? You blow a little boogie in it.
Down in Virginia, the prosecutors brag they could get a grand jury to bring a ham sandwich to trial. In fact, just last week, a banana was actually convicted of murder. It was overturned on appeal.
Once you hit the speed of light... Once you hit the speed of light, you have infinite mass. So you know what? That's my problem: I'm not fat, I'm fast.
What's the best part about being a mohel? (someone who performs circumcisions in the Jewish religion) The tips.
What do you call a vampire that drinks period blood? Cunt Dracula.
My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist.. I told her she could only choose one.
What did the sluts left leg say to her right leg? Nothing, they never met.
The inventor of auto-correct has died His funfair will be next monkey.
I thought my friend was being serious when he was talking about rimjobs Turns out it was all tongue in cheek.
2 yr old just made me wish I was 2 again: "I had a dream I was walking down the street and didn't have to hold anyone's hand"
The hay in baby Jesus's manger came from Christian Bales.
What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?
What's one thing that always sticks up for you when you make bad decisions. A boner. Thank you very much.
What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party? A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.
If I am ever on life support, unplug me ... ... then plug me back in. See if that works.
Do you know how you piss off a bunch of people at once? http://www.redditstatic.com/reddit500.png
the average american eats 8 spidres in their sleep evrey year, but the exceptional american strives to eat at least 20
I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a bigger hard drive.
"I'm a good person, obviously." --everyone
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
We are all seven Huffington Post slideshows away from finishing a minor task
In Soviet Russia, Turkey shoots you.
[spelling bee] judge: your word is serendipity. me: can you use it in a sentence. judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? Shame and sadness at the slow decline of their once beautiful and vibrant culture.
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why did a gun go to the barber? Because it's bangs were getting long!
Beef Jerky Did you hear about that new kind of Porno where a slut from Vietnam gives a cow a hand job? It's called Beef Jerky. http://earlmcgerd.tumblr.com/
When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.
When should I send a picture of my cat to my boyfriend? I checked online and they keep saying I should make him wait to see my pussy, but I don't see what the big deal is.
HELLACIOUS Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven? Hell was full.
What did the tranny say to their surgeon ? Keep the change
Why can every black person run so fast? Because the slow ones are in jail.
How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrot sounds.
Weird how it's always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy
I'd rather die than have an egg on my hamburger but to be fair I already sort of wanted to die
Autocorrect makes me say things that... I didn't Nintendo.
You're not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Have you heard about the new Exorcist movie? The mother calls the Devil to pull the priest out of her son.
A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar. The New England Patriots must be in town.
When a farmer fucks a sheep, do you know why he does so at the edge of a cliff? So the sheep will push back.
Fucked this girl for an hour and 30 seconds last night Thanks daylight savings!
If you fall, I'll be there. --- the floor.
Cabin Fever... A man says to his wife, "Can you tell me something that makes me angry and happy at the same time?" She thinks about it and says, "Sure. You got a bigger dick than your brother."
When I was a kid, I really didn't like the idea of having facial hair... ...but now it's starting to grow on me.
Why wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.
For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids
looking for a great stand up comedy show? just watch the GOP debate
What do ghosts get arrested for? Possession.
His homebuilt e-cigarette vapor mod with banana custard glycerine is so sexy... Said no girl ever
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
There once was a girl named Roofie... Her blowjobs were really quite toothy. I slipped her a pill, She sucked on my dill, And ended my sexual thrill.
I don't get why SRS is so loud. I'm pretty sure I turned off the "Surround" setting.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo GOP: no OBAMA: But you haven't even GOP: no OBAMA: ... GOP: no OBAMA: I'm resigning GOP: no OBAMA: haha gotcha
"Well I'll be damned." said atheist when rapture happened.
Did you hear about the blonde actress that stabbed her husband with a fork? Reese something... Reese Witherspoon? No with her fork!
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly? Viola.
Men's briefs that are two sizes too big are just "whities" I suppose.
I hate when I go out in public only to discover that my fly is down. Cheer up my little insect friend. Cheer up.
Sanders is blaming Trump for violence at his rally... because you can't truly be a National Socialist until you can excuse your brownshirts violence.
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3? Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
What goes well with country music? Suicide.
If all the girls who went to my high school prom were laid end to end... It wouldn't surprise me at all.
There are two types of people in this world.... Those who are intelligent, And those who believe there are 12 types of people in this world.
What country's citizens are most affected by global warming? South Koreans
Stevie Wonder is the worst Father Hasnt seen his kids in years
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? It doesn't cost $200 to have a lentil on my face.
Q: What's the difference between  Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee--If No Recovery!
What's the difference between a clever midget and an STD? Well, one of them is a cunning runt... side note: apparently Jim Morrison of The Doors said this gem at a meeting with some record executives.
My shirt is 40% linen... I guess the other 60% is McCartney, Harrison and Starr.
I don't trust Bonsai trees. They are a little shady.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family. *walks out of pharmacy*
How do you stump an archaeologist? Hand them a used tampon and ask what period it comes from.
Man insisted on pumping my gas. Didn't turn into an euphemism until he squirted all over the side of my car & asked if that's how I like it.
What do you find at an end of the rainbow? Violet
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we're walking home with a cart.
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na
There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says You man the guns, I'll drive'
Can't afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market. Me: 'Shhh, they're asleep' 'Mom, they're breaded' Me: 'That's their blankie'
My boss keeps telling me I've got my thumb up my ass... Considering it's an adult film, I'm not sure if I'm going to get fired.
What do you get when you combine a parrot and a centipede? A walkie talkie!
If wishes were fishes... ...life would be pretty crappie
Confucius on baseball Confucius say "Baseball wrong, man with 4 balls can't walk"
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
What is Bielefeld's Zip Code? 404
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well !!!
The Arrogance of Authority A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher
A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's dick.
r/house ... ... is in the middle of the street.
Why did Snake walk into the bar? Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.
Knock-knock "Knock-knock" "Who's there?" "Control freak--now you say, 'Control freak who?'"
Why is Congress like a cold? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).
What is the sexiest pair of lingerie? Your mother's thigh highs and a Freudian slip.
Russian 'Matreshka' Doll store is looking for a senior manager... also a manager, a junior manager and a junior manager's assistant.
You know what's better than Tennessee? Elevennessee.
What do you do when a chemist dies? You barium
What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both enjoy a tight Seal.
I've never been to Prague... But I've always wanted to Czech it out!
What did the bell say when it fell in the water?  I'm wringing wet.
My chest hair connected with connected with my armpit My hair is really going places
Me: If you don't like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom. 4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
It's unfortunate when pasta night turns into a surprise family intervention.
I know what I am going to name my first yacht Z. I can't wait to be a dad
Whats the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks.
No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers! I know I can always count on them.
What is a ghost's favorite airplane? BOO!eing
What do you call an anorexic girl that has a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Contest in Girls College About Sex and Mystery Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery. Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."
I would shave my beard... but it's kind of grown on me.
Do you know where there are only 239 beans in and Irish bean stew? Because if there was one more, it'd be too farty.
An old lady at the gym told me her dad married her mom because she could catch chickens.... Pretty sure she had a pretty firm grip on something else too....
I've been reading this great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Summing up my life in 5 words: 'I fail at maths'
What's the tallest building in the world? A library, because there are so many stories. (Did Not Make Up this Joke)
A man left his wife because he found out she was a prostitute and, boy, had he rung up a bill!
There are 3 perks of having Alzheimer 1. You can make new friends every day. 2. You can look for the Easter eggs you hid yourself. 3. You can make new friends every day.
What's the difference between a hippopotamus and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher's problem? She worked it out with a #2 pencil.
On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat's all chatty... I cover the receiver and hiss "Shhh, you want them to hear you?"
My relationship is complex part real, part imaginary.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
What do gay horses eat? *haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy.....*
What do you call optimistic lube? Lubrican
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, then cross back over? Because he's a dirty double crosser.
"Relationship experts say romance novels are bad because they give women unreasonable expectations. It's what porno films do for men."
The real reason Hillary Clinton stumbled A tiny plane flew into her.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?" Then I wonder if it knows something I don't.
I would rather that you'd just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik's cube/pepper grinder.
Did you hear about Michael Vicks new shoe contract? Hush Puppies.
3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.
Don't trust an atom They make up everything.
Why didn't the girl like anal? Because she was always butthurt over it.
What do womens' breasts &amp; toy trains have in common? There're intended for children, but it's the fathers that wind up playing with them.
Want to talk about rape? No? That's the spirit.
A man goes into a bar And that's where he stayed for most of my childhood.
Doggies just call it style.
There's two types of people in this world: those who finish their sentences,
Why did the White Man go to the Moon? He wanted more land. -Heard this from a native friend of mine. I laughed my ass off.
What did the piston say to the freely expanding gas? No pressure
I always open the bathroom door at Starbucks like I'm about to find a dead body in there.
Because its action precedes its cause. Why did the tachyon cross the road?
Funny joke v0.01 What's black all over? Niggers.
If I can't stand on a counter top display at Home Depot and shit in the sink then we are truly living in a fascist society.
What does a blowjob and a steady job have in common ? I haven't had either in five years
TIFU by accidentally benching our star player on the last inning... Whoops, wrong sub
Dogs do their social networking on Assbook, via the World Wide Whiff.
Pickup line: Hey girl, did I take a loan from you? Because my interest in you keeps growing.
I went to Lowe's to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don't exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
BEN CARSON'S WIFE: Are you coming home for dinner BEN CARSON: Go to ben carson dot com and read my plan to come home for dinner
I swear...I think restaurants with drive thru's identify the dumbest employee and say "here, you get to wear the headset"
[getting murdered] Me: "Could you please stop for a second?" *gives murderer a Snickers
Why is Santa so Jolly? He knows where all the BAD girls live. (not oc)
A termite walks into a bar and says "Where is the bar tender?"
So America won gold for shooting in the Olympics. No suprise there.
A bigot redneck and a psychopathic grandma get into an arguement Someone filmed it and decided to call it politics
Whats worse than five dead babies in a trash can? One dead baby in five trash cans
What happened to the NSFW warning on r/Jokes? It stopped working like all those who got caught on reddit at work.
With the amount of people who hide their identity online you'd think this place is rampant with superheroes.
My humor is kind of like food... Not everyone gets it.
I'm against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Strong Winds by Gail Force
Q: What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing? A: Help! My pocket's been picked!
Feminism Joke Man: So what do you want? Feminist: I want equal rights and liberties as men. Man: I couldn't agree with you more... because if I did, you would have a problem with that.
Coach Krzyzewski thinks he's playing wheel of fortune... "I'd like to buy a foul"
"Tell me the good news first, doc." "You're going to be famous!"
If you watch an Apple store get robbed... Are you an iWitness?
Yo mama so fat, her gravity bends space-time.
Old man at the gym just told.me this one. Women asks me:"do you smoke after intercourse?" I don't know, I haven't looked
Epic Tragedy Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
Why are my jokes strikingly similar to your sperm? They're killed almost instantly by assholes.
I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.
I wrote a book called My permanently exposed penis'. It's out now.
Where's the school for the blind? ... It's hard to see.
Buying my parents' house. Soon, like so many of the 'ladies' here... I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom's basement.
What do you get when you cross a hotdog and a potato? A dictator.
People ask me why I don't cuss... ...I tell them it's none of their fuckin' bitch-ass business to know why.
I'm just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me
Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
What do you call Nashville's Junior Hockey League? The Child Predators.
It's only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
What's Mario's favorite pants? Denim Denim Denim
Who was the fattest member of Nsync? Joey Fatone
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.
If a woman puts me in the friend zone I immediately borrow money from her and never pay it back because that's what friends do.
I don't need life insurance because the world will stop existing when I die.
Any ideas for 'insults' that have no right answer? For example: did you get caught beating off in the corner? Love these types of jokes but can only think of a couple right now. Thanks!
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin Catholic.
Why did the poor man become a baker? He really kneaded the dough alot
After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her funeral before she died? To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party
Sex with me Is like the Challenger Mission It Killed a teachers career
My maths teacher is like a line that touches a point on a curve He goes on a tangent but he always gets to the point.
An American's "inside voice" is the rest of the world's "outside voice".
I Like My Women Like I Like My Coffee i'm not picky, anything but black will do
Whats blue and bangs old ladies? Me in my lucky blue coat.
What goes cackle cackle boom? A witch in a minefield.
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night... "You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said. "Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye. "Salad tastes nice."
Something tells me a handjob from Superman would be.... ...a ripoff
Why do witches not wear underwear? So they can get a better grip on their broom.
No matter what has happened. No matter what you've done. No matter what you will do. I will always love you. I swear it.
There are several factors when talking about the meaning of life. 2, 3, and 7
I like my women how I like my microwaves With children in them
Sigmund Freud was a moron with a huge ego And id. And superego.
I fell down a deep dark whole yesterday I could not see that well
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish. No YOU'VE been drinking.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Lets go ride bikes!
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper!
Have I told ya my pizza joke? Augh nvm, its probably too cheesy
Do you know how Jewish birds chirp? Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap!
I used to live above the Wilson factory, but had to move because they were always making a racket.
Did you hear how Chewbacca did in his first year of the NFL? He was Wookie of the Year
Genders are a lot like the twin towers. They have a habit of going down on each other when things get hot
Hitler did nothing wrong ...... with his art, in my opinion.
Anybody Home? Yes, I am alone come in (house wife) Husband: WTF! (who came early from the office)
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Can't get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving "this doesn't work" and "I'm bleeding to death".
&lt;joke&gt; "Punchline" is not an internal or external command. Attempting a continue... C:\Windows\System32\ taskkill /IM joke.exe &lt;/joke&gt;
What can a homeless figure skater do to get by? Turn-tricks
The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn't invite corduroy to their party. Social fabric is complex.
TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan. EDIT: calm down /u/Andimbacksucker
Girls think I'm ugly until they know how much money I make Then they think I'm ugly and poor
What word is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly
"An unknown plight" or "the shortest and worse joke i know" Pedophiles have trouble fitting in.
A man is found in the middle of Iraq and the locals asked him where did he come from and how did he get there He said "Iran"
Did you hear that Alexander Graham Bell got fired from the theatre? He was always phoning it in.
Dinner guests coming over later and I got nothing. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
Which plant talks the most crap? Shiitake mushrooms.
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking "Have you seen my cat?" So I called the number and said that I didn't. I like to help where I can.
Jesus saved my life... And before I could thank him he got in the car with Miguel and drove away.
What do you call a nose with no body? Nobody nose.
Don't do anything rash - inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Hey boobs, keep up the good work!
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I thought I had life all sorted out, and then the wind blew.
Billy: Hi! What's your name? Johnny: Johnny. B: Hey, what's THAT? J: An iPhone 4. Mom: Who's your new friend, Billy? B: Johnny. He's poor.
I was going to tell a joke about Donald Trump's presidential campaign.. but then I realized it was racist, too long, and didn't make any sense.
What's a pirates favorite letter? You think it's 'aarrrggh' but it's really the 'sea!' Tell me your favorite corny one liner jokes
Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant? The Sioux chef
Snowmen on a hill Two snowmen are standing on a hill and one says to the other "Smells like carrots..."
A Higgs boson walks into a church... The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here." The Higgs boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"
If you read a text in front of the mirror three times, I will appear and help you analyze it.
My friend's wife asked him, if she died tomorrow, when would he start sleeping with other women? He said, "about three years ago."
From a 3yo buddy of mine (x-post from r/AntiJokes) Knock knock. Who's there? Banana with no skin.
A feminist once asked me: "What's your view on lesbians?" I responded: "1080p."
What did the gaysian give his buddy? A bro-job.
Stephen Hawkins goes on a date.... he comes back a couple of hours later with broken glasses, grazed knees, twisted ankle. She'd stood him up.
Being Mute. Being mute means never having to say you're sorry.
"You're an alcoholic." I prefer the term 'bar-barian'
In All Fairness To Bellichick and Brady Balls do shrink when it's cold
Extra car key Extra house key Extra storage unit key Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet - Keys to a successful relationship
Why do you call someone who doesn't like the ideas in Islam? A Racist!
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it'll take me to dig my own grave.
The best place to have a third nipple is on the palm of your hand so when you shake hands with someone you can sue for sexual harassment.
What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S? WD-4D
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs* Me: Need help with that? Her: Yeah! Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
What do you call the act of turning over in bed to switch from the missionary position to doggy style? A sexual revolution.
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
How did cancer order it's fries? Metastasized.
If you feed Donald Trump after midnight or put him in water what will he turn into? A Kremlin.
When is the only time a woman says something smart? When her sentence starts with "A wise man once said"
My sweatpants just greeted me at the door like a loyal dog.
How many Soviets does it take to change a light bulb? None! In Soviet Russia, light bulb changes you!
Why are there no gay suicide bombers? They can find millions of virgins just by going on Reddit.
Did you know beer makes you smarter. As it made Bud Wieser.
I wanted to see how fast I could drive my new car down Main Street. I managed to hit 60 before getting pulled over. Most of them survived with only minor injuries.
How Many Karma Whores does it take to change a light bulb? If this gets 500 upvotes i'll tell you!
what's the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
if you can get a price tag onto a priceless jewel they have to sell it to you for that price, it's a simply trick that saves on heist work
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
What does a cow call his mate? Oxfam.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion! Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
So I told my girlfriend... "Hey, wanna try anal?" She lost her shit on me.
The weather is so nice it makes me want to watch TV with the windows open.
What do you call an aardvark that's good at golf? A paredvark!
What do you call a recently created sub-atomic particle? New-tron.
Removed all the mirrors from my house because I'm tired of living with that asshole.
Headed to a funeral. #yolo
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus? Reprimand from the university ethics board and immediate withdrawal of all research grants.
DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here [earlier that morning] ME: *trying to get up for work*
What sound does and alcohlic train make? Chug chug chug chug chug chug... I'll show myself out.
*calls hotel front desk* "Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?" No sir, you will be billed for any- "Someone robbed my mini bar"
The barber in my neighborhood just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 4 years, and I never knew he was a barber.
A great sun/boob analogy Boobs are like the sun. They keep you warm and make you happy, but stare directly at it and you are in trouble.
Alright guys, hit me with your best American joke. I'm an American and I need my ego checked. Ready, GO!
Since we're talking about Vampire jokes, here's my favorite. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month...
I'm a fartartist The fart is silent
How can you tell Oriental Dynasties are obese? Because they have hundreds of Qins
I've just been reading about this toddler in China who fell eight stories out of a window. Apparently he was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine, and he was back in work the following day.
So Five Night's at Freddy's 3 was announced Is it going to have a dead horse animatronic that you have to beat?
What do you get if you cross a bird with a  monstrous snarl? A budgerigrrrrr!
Today's average 5 yr old can't tie his own shoes & probably still shits his pants, but he'll solve your wireless network problem.
Why didn't King Kong go to Hong Kong?  He didn't like Chinese food.
Thank you Lady GaGa for making meat suits popular again...Just pulled mine out of the closet... Still fits after all these years.
What medicine do men take when their privates start hurting? Penis-illin'
If a blonde and a brunette were tossed off a building together, who would hit the ground first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
I knew a guy obsessed with baking pastries. He was a real dough-nut.
A man is in critical condition for swallowing 250,000 dollars in large bills. No change is expected.
Just texted her "thanks for choking on me" I meant "checking" but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I'm so broke this chrismas... I'm just going to wrap batteries with a note that says ^*s ^ ^
I don't even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullshit.
Sometimes I put a "for sale" sign in my neighbor's yard and pray the power of suggestion works.
Who built King Arthur's round table Sir Cumference
What do you call a paraplegic with an incurable STD? Roll-aids.
The Web's Best 1,419,302,855,011,440 JPEG images (SLIDESHOW)
Schrodinger's Letter If you put the letter " Y " in a box with a few other letters to form a word, and close that box, can you tell me, without opening the box......... Is " Y " a vowel?
What would you do with $1 Million? I would buy a new butt, mine has a hole in it.
Charities - Because nothing shows how far your 2/month could go than a 100 million advertising campaign.
Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.
Two muffins in an oven. One looks at the other and says "it's hot in here". The other looks back and says " holy shit a talkin muffin."
*throws a rock at a bird* Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.
Ask a man if he's critiquing your work... Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you. Single Men say: Yes Married Men: Try to hide
What's the difference between an Atheist and a black guy? Atheists are stereotyped as being giant dicks. Black guys are stereotyped as having giant dicks.
Why do mice have such small balls? Because not many of them know how to dance.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.
Why is 77 better than 69? You get ate more.
My watch is loose, it keeps slipping out of my hand. ..maybe i should Titan it
So i asked this girl to have phone sex with me.. She said she cant, because she has Virgin Mobile..
"Why did he win?! Anyone who supports Trump is nuts!" said the Hillary supporter, fully unaware that cashews alone outnumber humans 50 to 1 ...
Jogging has never helped my memory.
How to die from falling down stairs: Step 1 Step 2 Step 4 Step 9 Step 22 Step 23
Mary had a little lamb... ... and the doctor fainted.
Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board...
Why doesn't Asia wear makeup? Because it clogs its SINGAPORES!
How do you know if you have a high sperm count? Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie are in divorce court... The judge asks, "So what's going on Mickey, is she just crazy or something?" Mickey replies, "No, your Honor. She's fucking Goofy."
Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't go near anything that's not 20% off.
How do Australians breathe? They exhale
What did Justin Verlander finish on Friday? Kate's back.
whats the best thing about an ethiopian blowjob? they always swallow
My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Why Does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.
I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of Think'" I thought and thought about this for ages. Eventually, I went for Thunk'
Do you have home insurance? 'Cause I'm going to smash your back door in.
What's that smell? What did one snowman say to the other snowman?      Hey, do you smell carrots?
A rabbi and a priest are walking down the street. They see a young boy bending over and the priest says "let's screw him!" And the rabbi says "outta what?"
Why do so many dyslexic vegans move to Dallas? For the Sallad
I should buy a 26.2 sticker! for my nose...
"Good parenting isn't giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself" I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Protein in my laundry If you captured it all you'd be able to fuel a Chi Psi chapter right before a lacrosse tournament.
I'd be willing to date a French Canadian... But I'm scared she'd always want to separate EDIT: Spelling
Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween? Because they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door.
Kids, rap music has been around since 1979, we've all heard it. You aren't being edgy by playing it loudly at an intersection.
Why did France run out of painkillers? because Paris ate 'em all
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.
How did the hour and minute hands of the clock get cancer? Second hand smoking! My own joke that I've been meaning to put up for a while. Time to see how it goes haha.
I'm glad i know sign language It's pretty handy
How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons :D
I came here to tell a gay joke... Butt fuck it.
What do you call an exploding dinosaur? Dino-mite
Any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just need to stab it enough times.
I should've been a child star so I could've gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.
I got this hot blondes phone number today! Im starting to think i should cause car accidents more often.
Vegetarian is an ancient Native Indian word meaning "bad hunter".
Why is UPS so great? They always deliver!
I'm not saying that I haven't incorporated math into my adult life. I'm just saying I could've dropped out after elementary school.
How are a sword maker and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air alike? They're both black smiths
How long do black women need to bring the garbage out? About 9 month.
Gonna put on an orange vest and start digging a hole until someone stops me.
What does Johnny Depp say when cutting down trees? TIMBUUUUUUUURTON
I feel like it's my civic duty to not let luxury cars merge in front of me.
A man phones work and says "Sorry, but I can't come in today, I'm really sick." The boss asks, "How sick are you?" "Well..." the man replies "I'm in bed with my mother."
What did the author tell his publisher when he handed him a 600 pages instead of the 200 the publisher had asked for? Sorry, I overwrote your order. :-)
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts? They were both designed for the kids but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Dude on Amtrak I sized up as being a lawyer just used "litigation" during a phone call. Feeling powerful right now.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it's viewers. #TWDfinale
You're Doing It Wrong! What did the fellow redditor say when the first redditor put the punchline in the title?
Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.
Justin Bieber will be an old man someday and it will be hilarious.
If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist I'd have enough money to make a black guy rob me
If I ever meet someone who's been in a coma since 2004, I'm trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.
What does a West Virginia woman say after sex? Git off me Pa, you're squishing my smokes.
Why do women forget if you call them beautiful 100 times but remember if you call them ugly once? Elephants have good memory
That was like a weekend camping trip for a sex addicts anonymous group. Fucking intense.
Lunch menu at a middle school in Flint, MI: PB&amp;J with some Pb&amp;H20.
In the window of a bar in Philadelphia Drop a bucket of Starbuck's Iced Coffee on your head to raise awareness of the rich city girls who have lost their ability to even.
Why do guitar amps hum? Because they don't know the words.
Job interviewer: "Why do you want to join the Secret Service?" Me: "It's a secret." Job interviewer: "You got the job."
The roundest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
[Job Interview] Sir, it says here you're part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
How do canibals eat victims with Parkinson's disease? Shake n bake
Today some boiled water died.. It shall be mist
Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.
How do you get a pool player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
If Johnny Cash were alive today. He'd probably just be known as Johnny Credit/Debit.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a seesaw (I'll see myself out)
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Funny how the more out-of-shape someone is, the more likely they are to refer to their favorite sports team as "we."
Scientists thought we would never have enough air to survive on the moon... ...then they opened a bag of Lays chips.
Shoutout out to maps. I don't know where in the world I'd be without them
A good artist knows where to draw the line.
How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy? You put a bounty on his head.
Why does Dr. Pepper come In cans? He's a strange dude.
Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store!
Most people don't act stupid  it's the real thing.
Don't people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person's deeply held beliefs?
What do cows sing at their friends birthday  parties? "Happy Birthday to MOO Happy Birthday to Moo
Goat joke(my 1st please go easy on me) Q: What do call a gay goat. A: A Fagoat
What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?
What is the difference between 'Ignorance' and 'Apathy'? I don't know, and I don't care!
What is the most important factor in China's future? Euthanasia.
Dead babies What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to ten trees!
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny They just don't work
So what do you do for a living? "I'm in the Secret Service" Wow, you didn't keep that secret too well did you
I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
You can tell a lot about a person by reading my girlfriend's email
Dog &amp; Mosquito were in Love .. mosquito kissed the dog .. Dog became emotional...gave Love bite to mosquito . Mosquito died of Rabies &amp; Dog died of Dengue . MORAL:- LOVE is DANGEROUS
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don't think I am.
If there's ever a zombie outbreak, it should happen in Las Vegas Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Friend: I'm about to appear in court. Me: Best of luck! Kill it!! Friend:...not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I like my women like I like my games.. ..pay to play.
You look so young... what is your secret? I am fifteen.
Just one bottle of vitaminwater provides a full day's supply of unnecessary and gullible. Also, electrolytes.
Ha, ha ha... wow. What do you get when you mix tea and a dogs name? A dinosaur! Ha ha get it? Tea-rex? Hahaha...
Father and son talking: - Daddy, is it true that in some parts of Africa and Asia a man does not know the wife until marrying her? - Here too, my son. Here too ...
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I'm getting paid to tell him his job.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I bought a thesaurus from Walmart and the pages were blank.. I have no words to describe how angry I am
I don't always have sex with star trek fans... but when I do, I prefer dos trekkies.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper ? Warren !
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
It's hard explaining puns to kleptomaniacs... ...because they always take things literally.
I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
If you buy a house off Craig's List, it comes with a free serial killer.
Whenever I see someone pick up an avocado, feel it, and put it back I pick up that same avocado and whisper "you're still beautiful" to it.
Trump took a dump. He pumped. He jumped. Thump Thump. Whump!
Please don't drink and drive. Last night I put my hand out of the car to indicate i was turning right and some moron pulled the the bottle out of my hand
How do you call a lesbian, black, Canadian woman? With a phone.
What do you get if you push a piano down a mine? A flat miner
A bank robber took a mop and a bucket of soapy water to a job. He cleaned up.
AN egg walks into a bar...... An egg walks into a bar, along with pancakes, and bacon. The bartender looks up and alertly says. "Sorry guys, we don't serve breakfast"
Dating tip: Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she'll find you
What do you call someone who wears leather, likes bondage and likes getting inked? Moleskine
[Sees restaurant is packed] *Pays hostess $20 to read note* "Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street" *Hipsters clear*
I work in a call center and i'm a white dude and had an Indian customer who can't understand tech support... Oh the irony..
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so's my liver but you don't see me slowing down because of it.
How many penises it takes to satisfy president Obama? One, his own.
My mother said to me at dinner last week that I overreact too much to criticism. So I shot her.
eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher handsomer and smarter than some really really big guy named Chuck.
What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one
Does the census keep track of adults who sleep in their work clothes and shower three times a week? I need friends
Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I'm checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
The camera adds 10 pounds but a barbershop smock and fluorescent light is more like 25.
Why is Lorde named thusly? She isn't named thusly, she's named Lorde.
In the event of a zombie apocalypse, who's the first to lose his job? a necromancer
I tried explaining to someone why smoking weed is bad for you. To be blunt, I don't think they were paying much attention.
[Little bit racist] why do New Zealanders... Have insomnia? Because every time they start counting sheep they get too horny to sleep.
What are the chances you know an Olympic gymnast?? A stretch
What did people call the Nutty Professor before he became a professor? Mr. Peanut
I said "Margarita" 3 times in the mirror instead of "Bloody Mary" and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.
What is so ironic about Atheists? A: they're always talking about God.
Studies show that 92% of people masturbate. Do you know what the other 8% does instead? Yeah... me neither.
Don't bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I'm a different person, I've changed since then.
My new years resolution for 2012 is to figure out how calendars work
Why don't Jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber.
TIFU by getting on the normal bus instead of the dyslexic one Whoops, wrong bus.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I started dating an astronaut. It happened out of nowhere. I did not planet.
Why are Republicans so easy to point out? They're usually the elephant in the room
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
Finally got funding approved for the gay club I'm opening in Prague. The Czech's in the Male
We'd have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He'd look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
*therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Why don't NFL players wear glasses? Because it's a contact sport.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My friend takes helium recreationally. He speaks very highly about it.
How do you get the GOP to support universal healthcare? Make it for *White* people only.
Guantanamo Bae
All the people that tried partying 'til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.
Bae joke Bae: Come over Me: Wrong spelling
What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard? Pillow fight
Why was the computer stressed out when it got home? Because it had a hard drive.
What do you call a fat person with hemophilia? Diableedes
Girls aren't hard to understand They don't have dicks.
I don't think I could date a deaf person... I couldn't take the silent treatment!
What do you call a myth from the middle east? A turban legend
Cashier: find everything okay? Me: yes [comes back 5 hours later] Me: [through the tears] i lied, i've been trying to find Kony since 2012
A man comes home from work on his birthday. He's greeted by his crying wife: "I made you a cake, but the dog ate it :-(" "Don't worry, I'll buy you a new dog."
Did you see the newspaper report about the midget psychiatrist wanted by the police.... The headline said "Small medium at large"... I'll see myself out!
The 21st century: Deleting history is often more important than making it..
If you are naughty... Santa gives you something hard and black
A nurse asks an absent-minded doctor, "Doctor, why are you writing with a thermometer?" The doctor looks down and says, "God damnit. Now some asshole has my pen."
Black walks into a bar A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks "where'd you get that?" Parrot says "Africa, there's millions of them".
Did you hear about the University of Miami  fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?
What do you call a man trying to conceal his boner? The battle of the buldge.
Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
An electrician walks into intensive care and yells: Hold your breaths, I am about to start replacing circuit breakers'
So I was fucking my sister... ...and she stops me and says, "Wow you fuck just like Dad." I said, "Yeah, that's what Mom tells me."
I don't blame pedophiles all the time, After all, there's a child in all of us.
I thought burying my wurst for a few days would improve its attitude, but it just became a spoiled brat. I'm sorry. That was completely terrible. I shouldn't have wasted your time.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what's really wrong with this country.
I would tell all of you my favorite chemistry joke... ...but I don't expect to get any reaction.
I'm an atheist so Jesus, God, and every Christian ... ... Can go to hell
Singin' in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin' on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
at any given time the urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away
Whats white and salty? Salt.
TMZ reportedly has a copy of a Dora the Explorer sextape which shows Dora having sex, using drugs and making racially insensitive comments.
What do Harry Potter and Kermit the frog have in common? Hogwarts
I can see Alaska from my window and I live in [Joisey!] (http://newyork.cbslocal.com/photo-galleries/2016/01/23/blizzard-2016-brings-flooding-snow-to-new-jersey/)
Why so Mexicans have red eyes after Sex?! Pepperspray...
What do you call a pepper in late autumn? A little chili
Remember Doodle-Bob from Spongebob? So do I, guy was Sketchy as hell.
What did the desert say to the rainforest when it kicked a ball over the fence. Looks like you're gonna have to climate.
When deaf people want to interrupt each other, do they slap the other person's hands out of the way?
What did Hitler tell his wife on Valentines Day? Be Mein
What's the difference between and out-law and an in-law? One's wanted.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Why Do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
What's the difference between a black guy and a canoe? Canoes tip.
Pro Tip: don't fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Quick! Can fingerprints be pulled off a raccoon? No time! NO TIME!
What do you call a same-sex lion orgy? Gay Pride.
A man is at a drug store A man is at a drug store and asks the clerk for 50 condoms. The 2 girls behind him start laughing when he turns around he says "Make that 52"
My wife wanted bigger breasts. I told her to rub toilet paper between them and over time they'll grow huge. She asked, "How do you know it will work?" "It worked for your ass didn't it?!"
Colin from "Whose Line Is It Anyway" just quit. Apparently he felt like he was making a Mochrie of himself.
Why did CNN hire a tabloid ripping strongman as one of their anchors? Because he was great at breaking the news.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that's your business.
If someone calls you fat... Just turn the other chin.
Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
I lost my mood ring... ...I really don't know how I feel about it
How do stones stop moths eating your clothes ? Because rolling stones gather no moths !
I still think Porky Pig got his stutter from an early jail experience.
I suddenly met a man who had a problem with premature ejaculation. He just came out of nowhere.
Final words to David before surgery: "If I don't make it? Swear you'll have me cremated & snort my ashes off a hooker's ass." He promised.
Women say men get turned on when they nibble on their earlobes. I think it's bollocks. - Jimmy Carr
Which kind of sharply dressed, tiny dwarves make the best drummers? metro gnomes
If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I have to mispronounce 'Lincoln' and 'cologne' if I want to spell them correctly.
I like my rhinos like I like my eggs poached
Why did the man with one butt cheek get fired? He did everything half-assed.
Trump Drops out of the race, and makes America great again.
I was walking down the street when I saw a black man carrying a tv... I could've swore it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at the house polishing my shoes.
Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.
A baby mosquito had just returned after his first flight. Daddy mosquito asked, "So, son, how did it feel?" The baby mosquito replied, "Wow, Dad, it was wonderful. Everyone was clapping for me!"
Having sex is a lot like communism... You both give and receive equally, you take turns reading from the communist manifesto, Stalin is there!
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I saw on the news Boy George's bearded dragon has attacked and bitten his housekeeper 6 times in the last month I reckon he needs a calmer chameleon.
What does the word 'gay' mean? asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite tree? A-lemon-tree my dear Watson.
A structural engineer walked into a bar... ...this is when he realised his building design was flawed.
Statistically speaking..... Isn't a mean Joe just an average Joe?
I play soccer... Just for kicks
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It is not hard.
A chef accidentally put yeast in his broth The result was soup rising
What's a gay man's favorite planet? Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.
The Westboro Babtist Church is planning to picket Reddit two days after their IAmA. No, seriously. http://www.godhatesfags.com/schedule.html
I Have a Wind Powered Car I have to blow into an ignition interlock device to start my car.
I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off
How difficult is it to live with erectile dysfunction? It turns out, it's not very hard at all
Logged out of Twitter for a few hours... Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.
How many? How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
What kind of sound does a horny toad make? Rubbit, rubbit.
SpaceX announced today that they are removing the astronaut janitor position from their first manned flight to Mars There just isn't enough room in the ship for a vacuum cleaner.
What's the difference between Tigger and Pooh? I've never smeared tigger on my face
Why was the ghost sad? A lot of different reasons.
If you really love someone never let them out your basement.
If I don't introduce you to the person I'm with it's because I don't remember either of your names.
Frankly I find fassion shows to be haughty couture
The color black is out drinking with his friends. Black says to the bartender, "Hey, something isn't right. Where is all the color white?" Bartender says, "dude, this is a gray bar.
How do you know a guitarist is sad? They start to fret.
Pranking the police A couple of pranksters broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
[airport] For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class What's that? Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins [slaps table] SOLD
How do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive? Give them a test-tickle
What was Poppin Fresh's new name after he was put into the witness protection program? John Dough
What side dishes did Jesus eat at the last supper? Peas and hominy.
When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter... But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I'm going to a party, everyone's drinking, laughing, and having fun! Me: that'll all stop once you show up
Do you think Hitler got his inspiration from Hansel and Gretel? They did shove a long nosed witch into an oven.
Did you hear about the incest convention? Every mother-fucker was there!
What is the bravest organ? The *gall*-bladder.
How a brass instrument player reads a line from Shakespeare's Hamlet. Tu-ba or no tu-ba.
If George Washington were alive today why couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.
[commercial for rakes] "Are u tired of eating leaves?"
People say I have poor grammar I guess I'm just unarticulate
What does a Buddhist monk say when ordering a subway sandwich? *Make me one with everything*
There's a new drug that prevents statutory rape It's called RU18.
Women of Reddit: Could you get behind Trump? Because he'd be more than willing to get behind you.
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He kept himself up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Was having a problem with one of my contact lenses. Fortunately, my wife had the solution.
The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon... ... it was the crack of dawn.
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.
I got banned from B&amp;Q in Glasgow today Some cunt came up to me in an orange apron and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.
What do you call a joke that has been internet obsolete for a while? The Game.
My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.
Hey girl, did you get your tickets *lips slowly part to reveal a mouthful of tiny little teeth with massive gums* to the GUM show?
Hey girl, are you a pool? Cause I'd piss in YOUR deep end
Being a vegetarian is a missed steak. That's the joke. Now, fuck off!
Wrote a short poem. I dug. You dug. She dug. He dug. I know it's not very good but it's pretty deep.
They gave the scarecrow an award for being outstanding in his field. When he accepted the honor he pointed to his parents in the crowd and said, "What can I say... Hay, it's in my jeans."
What kinds of stories do dolphins tell around the campfire? They're just ghost stories for all in tents and porpoises.
A pedophile and a girl walk into the woods. A pedophile and a girl walk into the woods together. The girl says "I'm scared. The pedo says "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"
Never treat a woman like an object. It hates that.
Why dont Asians go to the theaters? Because they always see widescreen!
"Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?" "Juicy Juice" "What? Are you sure? Why don't we-" "Juicy. Juice."
How did the shattering glass get everyone's attention? "Let me be loud and clear!"
Why does Thanksgiving feel like a date with Bill Cosby? You wake up 3 hours later drowsy and wondering why you feel like you just got stuffed with dark meat
What do you do to an elephant with three balls? Walk him, and pitch to the giraffe!
Now that Steve Jobs is gone we'll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia. WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?
What did the drummer get on his test? Drool
I got a new haircut about a week ago. It's starting to grow on me.
Why did Bill Murray's cameo have a sore back? It had to carry the new Ghostbusters movie for almost two hours.
Dude walks into a bar ...and drops dead from oxygen deprivation. It's a Mars bar.
When everything comes your way.. You are in the wrong lane
Body by Oreos
I was on a date with a girl at the cinema. We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, "Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."
What is hail ? Hard boiled rain !
One day, I made instant coffee in my microwave. I nearly went back in time. - Steven Wright
How did Ellen Pao get her job as CEO or Reddit? [Deleted]
Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready.
Once an American asked a Mexican.. "What separates dogs and Mexicans?" The Mexican said, "A border".
What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy.
Tourist: What's the speed  limit in this hick town? Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.
Oh, Its October Guess we should wake up that guy from green day then
I have to stop saying "Because I'm Batman" all the time. It's not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I'm Batman.
What do you call a muslim flying a plane? A pilot.
A man asks a Canadian woman if she'd like to have sex... ..."Only if you plan to have some yourself." Ah, Canada. America's [polite] hat.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't bother, he's not coming.
I'm thinking 'FUCK YOU' real loud at the people around me right now & they don't have a clue. I'm owning them so hard & they have no idea.
Having sex is like playing bridge... If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I've always been told I shouldn't assume... Because it makes an ass out of u and me.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I've got a great joke Only joking
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
What is the difference between a soap and a jew? There isn't.
A biker got mad at me today, just because he ran into a stop sign... Doesn't he realize that an open hand means 'STOP'?
I saw a black man drop his wallet today. I opened it up, chased him down the street and said,Mr Jones? He said, No that's not me.
In addition to Billie Chin and little Sammy Chong, there is another character in Carl Douglas's "Kung Fu Fighting." Expert Tai Ming.
Squiggly line squiggly line space Squiggly line squiggly line space Squiggly line squiggly line space ~me reading Arabic DM
Koi Fish always travel in groups of four That's because while the A Koi, the B Koi and the C Koi escape. The predator will always go after the D Koi
Who was the worst U.S. President of all time? Hoover, his administration really sucked.
Valentines Day  Drinks: $80. Dinner: $75. The room: $250. The look on his face when she says "I'm on my period": Priceless.
Yo mama is so stupid she sold her car for gas money.
What do Steve Harvey and a dentist have in common? They're both experts at placing temporary crowns.
Circle? Donut! Triangle? Pizza! Cylinder? Tater tot! - me teaching our 2yr old shapes
What do you call an anorexic Guinea pig? A skinny pig.
If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom? You're a-peein!
My friend's dog eats anything and everything. She told me that he was a bottomless Pit...I dunno. He looks more like a Boxer to me.
I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me... Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
What do you call a litter of Corgi puppies? A Corgisbord.
Why can a woman never be a good DJ? They will never listen to Logic or Reason.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Dog Walking Business Idea: 1. Train every dog to walk another dog. 2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle. 3. GO TO A MOVIE!
Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
It's so expensive "How much do the potatoes cost?" - "2.50." - "And the bag?" - "The bag is free." - "Ok, give me the bag."
I didn't get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Vagina Steak (nswf) Today my husband asked me if my vagina was "medium well" yet? Pink but not bloody.
Knock, Knock Who's there. Buccaneer. Buccaneer who. You'll have to speak up; i can't buccaneer hear you
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
knock knock, whos there? your ex wife .................
What do get when you cross 50 female pigs with 50 male deer? One hundred sows and bucks?
It's sad that my girlfriend's name is Palmela Handerson
What did one orphan say to the other? "Robin! Get in the batmobile"
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
"I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate" *notices you don't care *adds you to list of shit I hate
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of. Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
This headline stunned me- "Mars to reduce carbon emissions" Until I realized it was the candy maker ... and not the planet.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. I haven't run out of receipt yet.
Did you hear about the NFL player who went to prison? He went in a tight end and came out a wide receiver.
Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag
You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'... The only exception is 'people.'
After 5 years of therapy, my therapist finally said something that brought tears to my eyes. 'No hablo ingles'
Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.
How do you confuse a gay? Seven
Asians are such terrible drivers... ...I'm beginning to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach] to myself: "updog.. what's updog?" [another bottle hits my foot]
I don't get why I have to wash my hands after masterbating. It's not like my dick's been anywhere. Edit: yeah I suck at spelling. And it's supposed to mean I never have sex
I'm always delighted when people stick their noses in my business - my company makes paper tissues.
My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table. So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.
Necrophilia... There's nothing like cracking open a cold one.
I inherited an Epipen My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"It's impossible" said Pride. "It's risky" said Experience. "It's pointless" said Reason. "Give it a try" whispered Heart. (NSFW) "What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.
Two wrongs don't make a right..... But two Wrights make a plane
I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm. Well wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?  I'd look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!
My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy? Me: Of course. My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you? Me: Thanks.
There's a sale on deer testicles. They're under a buck.
Why doesnt Santa Clause have any kids? Because he only comes once a year and its only ever down a chimney
[NSFW] So a guy in Belgium picks up a phone... "Hey, who is this?" "Allah" "Allah who?" "Allahu akbar."
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
"It's been so cold lately..." "It's been so cold lately, that I think I saw a few democrats with their hands in their own pockets."
What do you call a necrophiliacs erection? Mourning wood.
Recent studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy... Gangrape
How did Stevie Wonder respond when asked how he coped with being blind? At least I'm not black.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Have an ice day. It's a bad one, I know.
Did you hear about the Jewish man who loves tea? Hebrews regularly.
How did Jared lose 40lbs? He dumped his girlfriend.
Real men don't run from problems, they fix them. Unless it's really scary
Why did Bruce Jenner crash his car? Because she's a woman.
I'm addicted to ass. It's like crack to me.
What do you do when an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub? Throw your dirty laundry in there with some detergent.
I went to the zoo today. All they had was one dog. It was a shit zoo
Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
You can tell a lot about a person by holding them hostage and asking them questions.
If you replaced Odysseus with Oedipus.. ..would a long series of journeys or wanderings be known as an Oedipussy?
Dave walks on a Sandi beach and says Hey it's me! lol gets me every time.
I painted my computer black thinking it would run faster... Now it doesn't work
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
A friend of mine got crushed by falling books. He only has his shelf to blame.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he's talking about.
Why does a vampire clean his teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath.
Who loves hamburgers French fries and ants? Ronald MacAardvark!
what's the difference between you and an egg? eggs get laid!
I walked in to the library today... and asked if they had the new book on tiny penises. The librarian responded "I don't think it is in yet." I said, "That's the one."
If lovin' you is ROM... ...I don't wanna' read-write.
I like my women how I like my bread Extra Yeasty
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once. 
A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event. "A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"
I'm no scientist but wouldn't fat bottomed girls, if anything, slow the rocking world down?
Want to hear a broad generalization? All women are complicated.
I shook this magic 8-ball for some advice and now there's cocaine everywhere
I told the car salesman my phone kept dying... So he gave me a Charger
Who's a Dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet
What do you call an ant that's walking in perfect form? An informant
My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I've been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it's like "well I better just go with it" and I begin sprinting at them
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else  ~Conversations I have with my couch
Why are gay guy's houses so clean? Because they are so anal!
How many Jews can you fit in a vw? 55. 2 in the front, 3 in the back and 50 in the ashtray
Baught a dog from a blacksmith yesterday As soon as we got home it made a bolt for the door.
Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.
WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY... oh there it is.
What did the right boob say to the left boob? "You're my breast friend"
How to 2 Mexicans settle a argument By going Juan on Juan
I just painted my toenails whore red, then immediately confined them to tight heels so they know what shameful little sluts they are.
All serial killers... Drinks water...
If I was the last person on earth... I would be the best in everything.
I would tell you a joke about UDP/IP But you probably wouldn't get it
deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio
The darker humor is, the better. Just like slaves.
Wow, some people are so prepared! Christmas is 364 days away, and some people already have their lights up!
No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
I invested some money with a Nigerian Prince... he turned out to be a very successful tribute act!
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
What do you call nuts on the wall? : walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chest? : chestnuts . What do you call nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth.
Two windmills are in a field... ...And one says to the other, "Hey, do you like football?" The other one replies, "Yeah, I'm a big fan".
Can't figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense! "The green one dad, not the Red one!"
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
New Year's resolution is to stop drinking. Dies of thirst.
A girl agreed to go on a date with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I schwepped her off her feet.
Wet Astronaut The astronaut thought he was taking a pee but it turned out to be a piss-up.
Roses are red, except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
What do you call a lesbian with big fingers? Well hung.!
I hate being "backwards guy" when moving funiture. I could get hurt.
"Star Wars" fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new "Star Wars" movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo all waking up in Vegas.
Do you know why Turkey couldn't see the solar eclipse? It's been censored there.
Monica Lewinsky said it 20 years ago and she said it again this year Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.
For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.
"Is your refrigerator running?" "Yes" " AWESOME! REFRIDGERATOR 2016!"
A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.!!! He only had his shelf to blame.,,,,
What is black and blue and doesn't like sex? The little boy in my van.
I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone... No "F"s given.
Another version of the Chinese man on his deathbed joke by /u/comment_sense ,,?  ",,?" " " "? " ,: ",,,, " ,,: ",? " 
The only way Mexico will pay for that wall... ...is if Trump drives the US economy into the ground and Americans start crossing into Mexico looking for jobs.
Why isn't Kanye West allowed in rural Pennsylvania? An Amish with a tool, you know that's unheard of.
How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb? Lol they can't change anything
I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white. Surely we don't need that many guards.
Why the hate for necromancers?T They're just trying to raise a family.
[Bad joke] The other day my sister asked me what the difference between cellular division and a sock is To which I replied 'Nothing, they both involve mitosis'
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck
So my biology teacher asked me what are in cells... I said "black people" and somehow that wasn't right
How many redditors does it take to answer an /r/AskScience question? [removed]
The worst part about grandma's Alzheimer's is watching her slowly forget about Dre
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it's like, nom nom nom nom.
What do you call a wheel with clothes? Attire. My brother told this to me and it gave me a chuckle.
Why is Ohio State's basketball team so good? ~~Because they have great shooters~~ Because they drive and cut extremely well Thanks for nothing /r/news!
A quick joke... Yesterday I went drinking with the Russians. I almost died. Today I went drinking with some Serbians. I wish I had died yesterday... :D
Toy Story (1995): A young boy's toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Her: You're all sweaty. Where have you been? *Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts* Me: The gym.
My thoughts on the French Revolution Great concept, terrible execution.
What is it about tall creepy louisiana swamp dwellers that makes them naturally glow? Their bayou loomin' essence
*gives up seat on bus for an old lady* *whispers in her ear* "This isn't over"
What was the other reindeer's name? Olive. EDIT: Please don't explain and let those suffer who don't understand
What do we do when chemists die? We barium.
Knock knock, who's there? "Star wars episode IV a new" "Star wars episode IV a new who?" "Star wars episode IV a new whope" So bad that it's good?
Whats the difference between Batman and a Blackman? Batman can go into a store without robin....
I heard they found water on Mars... I bet California is pretty jealous.
Topical! What does a Japanese man do when there's an erection? He votes!
What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other? Let's go get Jobs!
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I'm with in the face. I've been kidnapped & need saved!!
Who is Kanye West's favorite running back? All Day nigga
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
In light of the DNC event and my own recent experience with the forced install of windows 10.. What do the Clinton's have in common with Bill Gates? They both no longer need your consent.
Violets are blue, roses are red Violets are blue, roses are red. We're doing it backwards, That's what she said.
TIFU...... She rode me like a cow girl.
Why do french people eat snails ? They don't like fast food.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket... Suddenly she realises that some asshole has her pen.
Take her down to 3000 feet below sea level... ...oops, wrong sub.
How do New Zealander's find sheep in long grass? Delightful
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar... frozen. OK IT WAS ICE CREAM! FitFam?
My uncle went to Ireland on holidays but didn't have time to go to Clare. He really wanted to see Moher
What's a closeted Isis fighter's favourite occasion during the year? ram a man
How did hitler like his women? just like his swastikas. No curves
What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving? Beef with turkey
Someone asked me why my name isn't on the cover of my book. I explained that it's a practice of humility. "Ahh, so why then is your name on the title page?" "I'm not that humble!"
The Mancave is where I change into my Manman costume.
I like my women like I like my Coffee.... Ground up and in the freezer
I thought I'd tell you a good time travel joke... but you didn't like it.
Tough break for cows. They're filled with delicious meat and covered in leather. How are we supposed to not kill them?
what is the most common place to find a Jew after world war 2 The grave
Why do math textbooks only ever give you one angle in a triangle? Just cos.
Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...
Sherlock and Watson are filling in their college application. Watson: Sherlock? Why have you skipped writing this essay? Sherlock: It's supplementary my dear Watson
Gatorade: "We no longer see a role for Tiger in our marketing." Under his breath: "Because 'Is it in you?' sounds wrong now."
You're an embarrassment to the human race. What are you doing later?
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring? He decided to stick it out for another year.
*angrily whispering over crib* "Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward." "But why do they need their own cribs?"
"Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today." My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Never fall for a tennis player... Love means nothing to them.
What do you get when Philip Glass breaks? John Cage.
I think salads help you lose weight because they're gross and you end up not eating them
bangs are just a poor woman's botox.
What song did Taylor Swift write about Magic Johnson? Bad Blood.
I don't know who's worse, the people who sign their cats' names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
What do you get when you cross Miley Cyrus with an alligator? A caiman like a wrecking ball.
I work a desk job in an AT&amp;T franchise building I can never get any work done because the internet keeps going down...
I was born pessimist My Blood Group is B negative
Where do Jewish kids with ADHD go for the summer? Concentration camp
I long for the days when waking up with a "stiff one" wasn't referring to my lower back.
10 there are 10 types of humans: the ones who understand binary code and the ones who dont
What is the difference between the Pope and acne? Acme doesn't come on to your face until after 13.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the dick? The man
Why did Napoleon's soldiers wear red buttons on their blue jackets during the battle of Waterloo? ... so that they could close their jackets.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It's like you can't even enjoy your own joy.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
Einstein walks into a bar The bartender says "Run, everyone! It's a zombie!"
Birdwatching by Jack Daw
Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.
Corrected: What do you call India's top TV Show? Dan Singh with the Sitars
How do footballers send messages? By referee-mail.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven't had the chance to think of first...
Five years in, my marriage is like Girls Gone Wild: after a few drinks the cracks start to appear.
[confession booth] me: *sneezes* priest: I'm not falling for that one again dan
Why do lesbians never cook? Because they eat out.
I met a hot girl. We had dinner yesterday. At least I'm assuming she had dinner.
I put my grandma on speed dial. Instagram is a thing, right?
How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I'm not sure but I'll have an answer for you next Monday.
WAITER: can i take your order? HER: *looks at lobster tank* i'll take that one ME: *looks out window* i'll take that pigeon
I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.
"Aw man, who's going to agree to play Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies?" "Elijah Would."
Do they really need to add 'Alive' to 'Sexiest Man' or am I grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?
What do ghosts get when they're aroused? Booners
I probably shouldn't have done ecstasy before work but oh my god the HR lady feels sooooo nice
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I just ended a long-term relationship today I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine
Jesus: saw that facebook event "last supper"... looks good but whys it called the "last supper" ? Judas: oh.. No reason really
I sweat less when I wear sunglasses ... Because I feel cooler
What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice? "Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I'm off work next week so I'm gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go. *throws knife, misses map.* Space, I'm going to space
How do you make a horomone? You refuse to pay her Courtesy of my grandmother
A man goes into the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."
What do you call a teenage boy who turns into a vampire before he gets bit? Premature Edraculation
"Mum! Dad's got his cock in the biscuit barrel!" "Don't worry, he's just fucking crackers."
What does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.
My daughter asked me to tell her a joke this morning. What is a cow's favorite animal? A Moooose.
A time traveler. Knock knock. Who's there?
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn't know you liked beer.
So I was using a zester on a lemon recently, when I paused for a second and realised... ..that I was only just scratching the surface.
"Child rearing" sounds like something that'll get you life in prison.
After sex, I pee like a pro basketball player! Lots of dribbling.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It's almost like they know I'm the target demographic.
It's all shits and giggles... Until someone giggles and shits.
How does a black girl know shes pregnant? When all the cotton is picked off her tampon.
TIFU by not reading War and Peace. This wasn't today, this was ever. That book is way too long. I didn't read it. TL:DR Too Long. Didn't Read.
Why not use a see-through, clear plastic hang glider just to freak everyone out?
My next move I'm thinking that I write a book: The Explanations of jokes! If you have any hints, please let me know ;)
A unicorn without testicles is called a eunuchorn
Judge: Why did you steal that bird?  Prisoner: For a lark sir.
Barack and George walked into the White House... Hillary Dodged.
By saying you want a sandwich after sex you're letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.
Tomorrow I'm going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
What's the difference between a black person and a bicycle tire? The bicycle tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
mad gf How do you know when your girlfriend is mad at you? She leaves the string in the Bloody Mary
What's the difference between America and a yogurt? If you leave a yogurt alone for 200 years, it WILL develop a culture ;-)
My nephew ran in and jumped on me while I was napping. I handled it well. If "handled it well" means "punched a 9-year-old in the kidneys."
If there was a black character in Clue, the game would be called Solved.
I really love Bruce Willis. I have all of his movies, hundreds of posters, and multiple autographs You might say that I'm a die-hard fan
What do you call a stereotypical flan? A quiche
Wow, you've got a lot of hickeys Kris. Me: Busy weekend *winks *remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Q: What is Mr. T's nickname for Wednesday? A: Chump day.
For almost a year I thought I was a man trapped inside a woman's body Then I was born.
We're an eclectic bunch here, but we all have one thing in common: We've sacrificed the chance to run for public office with these tweets.
Gay Bread What do you call a gay piece of bread? A fagguette. A fa
Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet? "Supplies!" I'll see myself out
I like my women like I like my wine Red and full of alcohol.
What will happen when Pokemon GO Is updated with Johto Pokemon? It will become Pokemon GOld
Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.
What's long, hard, and has cum in the middle of it? A cucumber.
When I'm in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they're safe
That's so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Two cowboys walk into a bar... And the bar done et the slower one.
You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
COP: do you know why I pulled you over? COP'S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you're scared of the movie COP: Yes it's too real
Say what you want about the Make-a-Wish foundation At least they can work to a deadline
[In Court] Does the Defense have any last words? *defense rises* DE-FENSE *Judge holds up picket fence* DE-FENSE *Jury starts The Wave*
Your mama so fat.... She uses a paint roller to apply lipstick.
do you know? Did you know It takes the average American male approximately 4 minutes to have an orgasm. Do you know how long it takes the average woman? Who fucking cares.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they're eating this luscious grass.
I was going to make a chemistry joke, but... Na
What did the man say when he stopped piggybacking his fat friend? "Man, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!"
Why doesn't the pope like the Higgs Boson? Because you can't have mass without him
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I forgot I had an ambien in my back pocket Now my ass is asleep
Beverly Hills Gangsta I'm new to Reddit, this if my first post. A comedy and humorous take on Beverly Hills life style with ghetto way of thinking. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ljKtOGhAg0
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn't 6 hours long.
Why do Muslims hate Reddit? Haram be everywhere
"Opinions are like assholes..." "... I like yours." -SO this morning
Where do Polar Bears keep their money? In the Snowbank. My first post is a dad joke LOL
This presidential race in America has taught us at least one thing. Once you go black you can go back.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work. I'm serious The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
What's worse than finding a worm in an apple? Finding half of a worm in an apple
Do you know what moth balls smell like? How'd you get their little legs apart?
"So you know how girls have XX chromosomes and guys have XY chromosomes?" ...Asked the biologist. "Well I want you to be my Y, cause I'd hate to ask you to be my X."
so a man answers a phone call... man - "I don't know, I live about ten miles from the ocean" wife - "who was that? what did they want?" man - "some asshole who wanted to know if the coast was clear"
two deer are leaving a gay bar one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
I love that all the Catholics are easy to single out today. Can't believe no one's tried publically marking people by religion before.
Did you ever hear about the Mexican born with two wieners. He named them Jose and hose b
What do you call a bear with no teeth?? A gummy bear!!!
What's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursElf.
Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks... ...because the other is a buoy ant
*deep fries turkey *deep fries deck *deep fries backyard *deep fries house *deep fries neighborhood *deep fries los angeles
French and Wars Why did the French have so many civil wars? So they could win one.
How do you kill a hipster? You drown him in the mainstream.
I am fairly certain that "YOLO" is "Carpe Diem" for stupid people.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.
I like my coffee like I make my women. Hot, and bitter.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it's just called a card
My dad used to beat me while playing chess... Because I'd always win.
My wife is not speaking to me. We watched an old video of our wedding and she realized that I said "You'll do" instead of "I do."
What changes the more popular it gets Hillary Clinton's views
What do parsley and pubes have in common? You push them out of the way and keep eating.
Jose was embarassed of his weight. No weigh Jose
What is the recipe for honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes
yo mama is so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans am i wearing i said Guess and she said Levis.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ. Soldier: You can just point to him. Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.
Why did Blitzkrieg work so well in France? Because lightning always follows the path of least resistance
The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.
[kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
2 Rules to Be Successful 1) Don't tell everyone everything you know. 2)
Some days, Mos Def only feels Mos Prob.
If more than one mouse is mice, then more than one Spouse is Spice.'
The swedish word "gratrunka" means 'crying while masturbating'. Guess you can say its a... real tear jerker.
What does a baby in a blender sound like? I don't know, I couldn't hear it over the sound of my masturbating.
Really cool thing about skateboards is you can take the wheels off and bash your skull in if you still use them in your forties.
What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian? The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.
2 deer walk out of a bar 1st deer: Man that was crazy in there 2nd: ya I can't believe I just blew 40 bucks!
Why did the baker's hands stink? Because he needed a crap.
I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs' It was a Hannibal lecture.
What's the difference between a cup and a mug? being cupped is far more pleasurable than being mugged
I gave my wife one last chance to suck my dick... She blew it.
Raising my kids is hard. I can barely get the fat one off the ground.
Me: One day I took my friend- Him: Wait, you have a friend? Me: Yes Him: Wow, ok, go on Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I was just told by my doctor that I have cancer and alzheimer's. At least I didn't get cancer!
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
*overeats sugar* *gets diabetes* *gets limbs amputated* *can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
An April fools joke Gotcha April fools
Girls are like blackjack... I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Have you heard the rumor about the butter? Never mind I shouldn't spread it.
How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"? Get the fifth one to yell, "Bingo!"
What do you call it when a mother has twin boys in Arizona? Tucson.
Paralympics Q: What's better than winning the Paralympics? A: Having legs!
Helium walks into a bar The bartender says "sorry we don't serve noble gases here." The helium did not react
Why was the zombie in such a rush to get to his book signing? He had deadlines to meet
First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."
A cow moves in next door to a horse... ...the horse says, "Welcome to the neighhhhhhhhhhhhborhood!"
If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
When I was a kid, hearing, "Wow, you are really getting heavy" used to make me beam with satisfaction..... But now I'm 35 and weigh 300 pounds, that shit has totally lost its appeal.
What does a prostitute and a book have in common? For five dollars you can get one with crabs in it.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I'm definitely going to get the license this time.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
What do you call nuts on the wall? - Walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chest? - Chestnuts What do you call nuts on your chin?  - You're sucking a dick!
A guest at a restaurant asks the waiter... "do you have lobster tails?" The waiter replies: "Of course! Once upon a time, there was a little lobster....."
I wonder if anyone in a full burqa ever thinks, "Wow, that's a great picture of me."
A photon arrives at the airport As he checks in, security asks him: "Do you not have any luggage?" The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light".
Husband - "When I die, i'd like to die having sex." Wife - "At least we know it'll be quick"
What's the difference between a radical feminist and a suicide bomber? One's being triggered and one's pulling the trigger.
It's so cold outside. I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night
currently washing my balls in the sink while humming that one black eyed peas song because tonight *IS* gonna be a good night.
Want to hear a corny joke? Never mind I forgot the skewers.
A great way to relieve stress from work & family is to go for a run. Don't stop running til ur in a new town w/ a new life. You're free now.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I'm so confused
5: I went potty. Me: Did you remember to wipe this time? 5: No. Me: Why? 5: It's faster my way. I don't know how to counter that argument.
A quote from the Father of Invention. Hi Invention, I'm Dad.
Why were the Star Wars made IV, V, VI, I, II, III? Because in charge of distribution, Yoda was.
What happened to Ed's girlfriend? Sheeran
How many tweakers does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?
What do feminists do on Halloween? They go triggered treating
[Red Lobster] Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp. Me: bring me the endless shrimp <5 days later> Waiter: please leave, I have a family
What language does a Jewish homo speak? Heblew.
One of my ongoing office fantasies involves a coworker walking by my desk while I'm actually working
It's kind of fcuked up that Valentine's Day is the only socially acceptable time to trade sexual favors for gifts.
Which street in France do reindeer live on? Rue Dolph
Having trouble keeping track of which celebrities are alive and which ones are dead? Here, use my Heath ledger.
I prefer Protestant orange juice to Catholic orange juice... It's Pulp-free
[having sex] Her: HARDER! ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers? Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Chemistry joke... I would tell a chemistry joke, but there'd be no reaction.
Bernie Sanders If I had a nickel for every time a redditor posted about something Bernie Sanders, I'd be the kind of person he is always smearing. A BILLIONAIRE!
I booked a day trip to Svalbard in April! I get back in August.
Who's the fastest runner in the chinese olympic team? Mr. Do Ping
Lobotomies Do they smart?
The only thing that would make my morning more productive is actually doing something.
All those years studying karate saved my life one night, when a man with a gun jumped out of nowhere and demanded I count to 10 in Japanese.
Power surge at the A/C factory... Fans shocked.
Hillary Joke Hillary's campaign manager asks Hillary: - What do you like more, New Year's or sex? - New Year's - Why? - It happens more often
War Chat What did one militia say to the other militia? I'll siege you later! (Sorry, but I had to post something original, I created an account!)
What does a SJW do on Halloween Triggered treating
I farted in a room full of hipsters? They argued for two hours about who heard it first.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a very generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Why did the coke can throw itself off the building, and why did it become so famous? It was soda pressed
Did you hear about the marketplace where everything cost twelve and a half cents? It was a bit bazaar.
I read a whole book on adhesive substances last night, I just couldn't put it down
My 'Sleep Number' is Grey Goose.
Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.
What do you call a Sith lord who refuses to fight? A sithy.
When's a door not a door? When it's ajar.
Adding a smiley face after anything makes things seem playful. Examples: You're a slut:) You're ugly:) I killed your puppy:)
What's the difference between a fish and an elephant? (OC) You really can't tell the difference between a fish and an elephant?
When someone has a baby, I'm just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I don't know why they call it lubricant... More like lubri*can*
[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Which November holiday is a weed smoker's favorite? Danksgiving.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
What is Chalah before it's baked? Judo
When I'm empty-handed my dog doesn't know what the word 'sit' means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone's eyes were closed.
[therapy] HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room? ME: I don't like to talk about him ELEPHANT: Ok wow I'm like right here man
Please pray for me.. Tomorrow I will be going to the hospital, I think there is something wrong with my eyes. Every time I look in my wallet I see nothing.
They say I have the legs of a dancer.. but until they find the rest of the body the cops have got nothing on me man!
I just wish we knew how reality show contestants felt about haters.
I don't see why people say, "God, send me a sign". Why not ask the Head of Amazon's shipping department?
Why didn't the oyster give to charity? He was shellfish.
Why does the French flag have Velcro? So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
What is it called when you get a bathroom hand job while listening to blues? W.C. Handy
1) get drunk. 2) have sex. 3) leave taco bell. DONT TELL ME HOW TO PARTY!
Alien Invasion Will an alien invasion affect my plans for world domination?
What happens if a pyramid commits a crime? It is put in imPRISMment!
What did the saxophone teacher say to his student? You have learned well young brasshopper.
Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.
What's the strongest plant in the world? Eucaliftus
eer booze and fun!' 'Sign seen in a bar:  "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you're about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
What is better than a cold Bud? A warm bush.
"That's what she said" jokes will always be funny, but... I've only heard a couple of attempts at "That's what he said" jokes. Let's see what you got.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Because he heard the Ref was blowing fowls!
What's grey, has one leg, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of you? A kidney dialysis machine.
If someone doesn't respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don't love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I pointed to hub's hearing aid and said is that thing on? He said "yes, I am just trying to figure out what the hell you are saying"
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
"This is the bomb!!!" --'90s terrorist
You make every other name that comes up on my phone a disappointment.
What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack? A Tupac...
Like Captain Ahab, I have my own white whale. But I have no one else to blame, I'm the one who married her.
What's the shortest joke you know/can come up with? Here's mine: Women are more holy than men.
If Steve Jobs can do that to the iPhone, think what he could do to Verne Troyer.
At first I didn't think I'd like having genital warts but now they're really growing on me.
Once killed a man with my SuperSoaker. (I'd been pumping it for a REALLY long time.)
How do you kill a blonde? Give them a gun an say it is a blow dryer
Coffee: you haven't had enough until you can thread a sewing machine needle while it's running.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't usually fuck a sandwich before I eat it.
Why is does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it'd be called a chicken sedan. (better if saying it out loud because of the spelling of coop/coupe) ;-;
A motor gets a job as a waiter... Servo A motor buys a treadmill. Stepper. An artistic motor loses its paint kit. Brushless.
So I went to the bathroom to take a poo... Not sure why she was angry though, it's not like she wanted it.
Why cant obama ever be on a dollar bill? they would have to use to much ink.
Once upon a time there was a Chinese man and a Chinese woman Look how many there are now
I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?
I used to think I knew what a racist was until I told Usain Bolt he was my favorite racist ever.
Vagina jokes are not funny! Period.
A Woman Comes To The Physician - Herr doctor! My husband is very sick! - OK. Get undressed and show me what does he complain of...
My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.
The next person to show me that dress... ...is gonna get a white and gold eye.
I think my phone is mentally challenged... When I try to type 'with' it always replaces it with 28th.
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Consuelo.
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car? Carlos
Why did Jesus have to walk everywhere? He drove a Ford.
A man walks into a bar with an apple on his head, and the bartender asks "Why do you have a pear on your head?" He replies, "It's not a peach, it's a plum!"
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."
my dad asked me if I have an organ donor card. i guess he really is a man after my own heart.
What do you do when you see a bloody Mexican in your garbage can? Quit laughing, and reload.
A guy walks into a bar with a gun and asks out loud "who had sex with my wife!?" A voice up the back said, "you don't have enough bullets!"
My mother said I could never build a car out of spaghetti You should've seen her face when I drove pasta
I'm going to be a virgin for life Set a good example for my kids.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis" When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism." When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed Me: did it look cool tho
I accidently mixed up some poison ivy with a 4 leafed clover Ever since I've had a rash of good luck...
Have you ever gone camping with Crohn's disease? Shits in tents.
You may see white collar and blue collar workers in the work place. But I'm collar-blind. ~(Taken from the office).
I was asked to grade Caitlyn Jenner I went with a D-
Sure I'll join your Cause on Facebook...Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute...
What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? UCLA
Why would you throw a rock at a Mexican man riding a bike? Because it's probably your bike. Why would you throw a rock at a black man riding a bike? Because it's probably your black man.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Give a man a poisoned fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back "Maybe :)" so idk man I might have plans tonight.
When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was "interested in men" I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies
Honesty is an important part of parenting. That being said, I'm going to tell my kids that McGruff the Crime Dog is a dog that loves crime.
if a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance
How can you tell when a white guy is about to tell a joke? He glances over his shoulder.
Million dollar idea: let's start a Twitter swear jar
Show me on this calendar where the bad Monday touched you.
What do you get when the Pillsbury dough boys bend over? Dough-nuts (South Park reference again; just spreading it).
My mother would give you 11 dollars for a dog turd if you told her it normally costs 15.
A six sided man walks into a bar and orders a gon. The bartender says, "What the heck's a gon?"
Back in my day there were only 151 Pokemon When they added more, my only question was "Y"
Used a bag to pick up dog shit in yard, tiny ants all over it. Later, saw 2 ants on my arm. My body is now crawling w phantom dogshit ants.
What's another word for a murderer who kills old ladies? A Killergran.
So a guy comes into a bar... oh wait or was it a horse? Ok so a guy cums into a horse. yaaa obviously works better as a spoken joke
Just found where my wife hid my birthday present! How'd she know I wanted a one-way ticket to Miami with some guy named Rico?
Chuck norris...enough said There used to be a street near the school called Chuck Norris street, but they had to change the name, because no one crosses chuck norris and lives
Farrah Fawcett's last wish was for all the children in the world to be safe, then Michael Jackson died.
I'm not keen on Neanderthal comedy. It's very low-brow humour.
Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and  fat and ugly? Boyfriend: Of course I do !
My Asian friend bought a dog today! Guess how much they got it for? $5.50 per pound.
A Duck... ...didn't walk into a bar.
I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.
If there's a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with a werewolf.
What do you call a shirt missing its sleeves? An ampu-tee.
If Pokemon has taught me anything it's that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it's weak enough to enslave.
Wife just texted me drive slow - cop around the corner so I laughed and showed it to the cop.
What do jedhi's and rape have in common? ... They both use the force
Why is ISIS going after programs? Because they are executable
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school? It's okay, he woke up.
What happened when Apple added the new touchbar? They're taking away functions, and there's no escape.
What is the opposite of Turkish? Pig Latin
*getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out
I realized I needed an altitude adjustment... ...so I booked the next flight out of town.
Axe body spray for black people They call it Ask body spray
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
There's a reason you don't see many Jedi in relationships. They always try to force it.
Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker? He made no scents.
Helen Keler walked into a bar then a table.....then a chair.
It's cool we live in a time where we can just type "lol" or "haha" without actually having to laugh or have feelings.
People are wondering if Caitlin Jenner should be put in male or female prison if she is charged. I think they should send her to a halfway house.
Three words What are three words that kills a guy's confidence... "Is it in?" Three words to kill a girl's confidence... "I don't know"
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was intense
Why do rpg characters like potions so much? Because they're always the life of the party!
"Give me 'bored.' Give me 'late for lunch.' Scowl at a tree. Scowl at a tree. Look at a bird like you hate it." - book jacket photographers.
What do cannibals call a fajita made out of a vagina? A fajita.
No trees were killed to send this tweet, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
You're the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Your only chance of getting laid... is to crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have schizophrenia. And so do I...
God: I made a rainbow! Devil: I'm making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.
If I'm on a sneezing fit it's best to let me go, because by the 4th time you say "God bless you," I'm ready for you to be out of my life.
I talked to San Andreas about the earthquake yesterday. He said it wasn't his fault.
I started an alcohol based diet. I feel great! I've already lost 4 or 5 days! Not OC, unsure of source.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniac [Wat](http://m.imgur.com/mSC9hv0)
So there I was, balls deep in peanut butter, when I thought to myself, "Peanut Butter is an odd name for a dog."
Don't expect a "bless you" after the 4th sneeze...get your shit together.
It's cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
stolen from dave allen Imagine if you will you are at a man's house having your way with his wife and he comes home early and catches you. And he says "Carry On" and you can
What do you call 6.63*10^-34 mutinied pirates? Planck walkers
A North Korean man announce yesterday that his Dog gave birth to a 1/2 Dog 1/2 Cat offspring! Also referred to in Korea as the #2 "Combo"!!!
My Boss thought that getting a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant. All it did was change the color of the baby.
Funny how many articles end in "continued on page"
A man had a stroke and lost the use of the left side of his body. He's all right now.
Does everyone have a weird Facebook acquaintance that comments on all their shit, or is it just me?
I went jogging one time why am I not thin?
I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page no pun in ten did
Hey man, want to buy some stolen peppers? Careful, they're hot.
Why did the vengeful fireman lose his job? He tried fighting fire with fire.
How much does a Hipster weigh? An Instagram.
was thinking i would go away this easter. figured i would just hang around instead. its what jesus would have done
Why can't anyone tell my dads fat? Cause he grew up in Pawtucket.
Borrowing Money "Glad to see you, old man. Can you lend me five dollars ?" "Sorry, but I haven't a cent with me today" "And at home ?" "They're all very well, thank you, very well".
I got fired from my job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
"You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her." "We're still married, Grandma." "She's such a lovely girl."
What's a duck's favorite drug ? Quack
If 'we are what we eat'! Then I'm a huge dick you guys. I'm really sorry
What's a Jewish girl's favorite wine? "I want to go to Miami!"
whats brown and... What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus' life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Why did the Baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo! (I heard this one today and thought I'd share)
After my grandfather's funeral... I scattered his remains all over my back garden. Which was horrible, because he hadn't been cremated.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn't eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Did you hear about the awesome new Corey Hart cover of Sunglasses at Night? By Stevie Wonder.
This may sound racist but all black luggage looks the same.
I'm not really a 'walk of shame' kind of girl. Im more of a 'put it back in my nightstand drawer when I'm finished & roll over' kind of girl
What do you call a group of unorganized cats? A CAT-ASTROPHE!
Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time.
Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine... "One liter of water." it read. Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair "This speaks volumes..."
Who ate those tomatoes? Tom ate those.
TIL ISIS is a global Bloods vs. Crips. Title
Why are Helium, Curium and Barium called the medical elements? Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium. (Heard it from Heimerdinger, League of Legends)
Breakfast I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Did you hear about the Agnostic? Did you hear about the Agnostic Insomniac with Dyslexia? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
[backstage at GOP debate] AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair. CAT: I'm puking as fast as I can.
What do you call a mentally handicapped System of a Down cover band? Syndrome of a Down
Little Johnny complains to mom at home, "Mom, our teacher really doesn't know anything. He keeps asking us!"
What does an egg say at a party? omelette
Surprises are always more fun... unless it's a baby. They tend to startle easily, so an ill-timed surprise may actually upset them.
ID is a funny abbreviation. The I stands for I and D strands for dentification. -Norm Macdonald
My wife said she wanted 12" hard So I gave her four inches three times and slapped her ass.
Why did your sister feed money to her cow ? Because she wanted to get rich milk.
Self Pleasure Joke NSFW You ever whack off so much your hand pretends to be asleep?
So a skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"
I watch Amateur BDSM for the same reason people watch NASCAR the accidents.
I love it when you call me Medium Poppa! Throw your hands in the air if you's a moderately attractive single lady with no kids or debt!
Where do you find a dog with no arms or legs? Right where ya left him.
My sister has recently gotten very attractive Does that mean she doesn't poop anymore?
Why is Whitney Houston good at video games? One of her strong suits is HAAND EEEEEEEYYYEEEE coordination.
I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon
Leading cause of automobile accidents I bet the leading cause of automobile accidents for bodybuilders is flexing while driving...
There's plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My insomnia has it's own toothbrush in my bathroom.
What did the doctor say to the man who couldn't pee? Urine trouble!
What's the biggest advantage of being a smoker? Not having to set aside money for your old age.
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
It doesn't matter whether you're a bad parent or a bad drug dealer... Because at the end of the day a kid gets smacked.
Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit One fly cuts a fart, and the other fly goes, "Hey, I'm eating here!"
They're always telling me to live my dreams... But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for...
What is the opposite of a protein? An amateur teen (   )
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
What's a Warboy's from Mad Max's favourite web browser? Chrome
There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where they can take it back. Win-win.
I don't hate you because you're beautiful... You're not...
A kiss makes my day. Anal makes my hole weak.
I stuck my foot in a honeycomb. I bee tripping.
Netflix and Chill makes me miss Blockbuster and dry hump
"Doctor, doctor! I need a new pair of glasses!" "I can see that - this is a hotdog stand."
Can't, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
How many members of a particular ethnic minority does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Enough to reinforce my negative stereotype about them.
Back in the 70's I met this really cool blind man He was really outta sight!
You might think an Indian baker is having problem with his bread But to him it's a naan-issue.
What kind of pants did the Japanese porn star wear to her job interview? Bu-khakis
What's the difference between white students and black students? Black students bring the gun to school. White kids use it at school.
[Best man speech] I HAVE DEFEATED THE OTHER MEN IN THIS WEDDING PARTY TO EMERGE AS THE BEST, THE MICROPHONE SHALL BE MINE FOOLISH MORTALS!
So I broke up with my German girlfriend. She said I didn't pay enough attention and suggested I attend a concentration camp.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you. You have my word.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
The Indian police gave up on a recent case... Turns out it was a naan-issue.
What do you call a pirate who solves mysteries? A pirate aye!
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
The number One day,i saw a girl whose Facebook name is 70.Because of curiosity I added her.Until i have done with her and her name changed to 71, i know what her means.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If I had a dollar for every repost I saw on r/Jokes... I'd have like a lot of money.
What happens when you join two Koreans together? Linkin Park.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cassette ! Cassette who ? Cassette your dinner I'm sorry !
The funny thing about the shit I just took is? I don't remember eating that much blood
Why did Beethoven love playing low notes. Higher notes weren't worth the the treble.
Can clocks keep secrets? Time will tell.
What's a pirates favorite type of fish? GAAAARRRRRRRR!!! Edit: I beat ya guys to it. Ha
What's the difference between today's most sophisticated encryption that can still be cracked and the still uncracked ciphers of the Zodiac Killer? Ted Cruz
A coworker and myself had a competition to see who was more sensitive I was pretty sad I came in second place.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That's what kegel is, right?
Why did the guitar player get arrested Because he fingered a minor
There are 3 types of people in this world... Those who can count, and those who can't.
How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Mississippi? Because anywhere else it would've been called the teethbrush
1+1=3 If you don't wear a condom.
Lambs: "BAAAAAAAAA!!!" Hannibal Lecter: "Shhhhhh!" Lambs: "Baaaa!" Hannibal Lecter: "Shhhh..." Lambs: "..." Hannibal Lecter: "Much better."
What is a Coronal Mass Ejection? I might be wrong here, but I think it's when you throw up after drinking too much Mexican beer.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She's the cutest kitty I've ever seen! Cat: I just want to be friends.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children! Thank you, they came with the frame.
I just got Natalie Portman's autograph! Sure, it's on a restraining order, but still...
Oh my gosh! Did you hear about the corderoy pillow? It's making headlines.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock's hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
How to have an unforgettable date? 1. Have a date. 2. Try not to forget it.
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
You are what you think you are Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer international arms dealer'.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night - $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I'm giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Why was the Native American so tired? Because he'd been up all night building ATP.
Where do terrorists go when they're on the run? Apparently, they go everywhere.
I still say a wasp's nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody's hanging around in there.
build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
How many seconds are in a year? Only 12. One for every month.
If a fish died in the ocean... ...does it become a marine corpse?
Hey girl, are you a fire alarm? 'Cause you get triggered from the smallest of things
Why are they rioting in Ferguson? Because they carefully and objectively reviewed the evidence from the trial and thought a legitimate injustice had been done.
I saw some beautiful women. Sometimes it makes me sad though and I almost don't want to start the chainsaw.
My best friend thinks I'm a stalker ...well he's not really my friend....yet.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
VA Nurse joke What is the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet? * A bullet can draw blood * A bullet can be fired * A bullet can only kill one person
I'd like to teach the world to sing. And while everyone's busy, I'd go watch a movie without people talking through it.
If you are willing to jump off a bridge, because your wife cheated on you... ...just remember it is a pair of horns, and not a pair of wings.
"You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walkout..
What do you call a nun in a car? Virgin Mobile
I'm not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.
Me: this a rush song? Bartender: yeah, you a fan? Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says "no"*
When I was an altar server, my priest was transferred to another diocese. It was a load off my back.
I run a nonprofit organization that helps keep homeless substance abusers warm during harsh winters. It's called Snuggies for Druggies
What get's passed around a lot, is soft, barely legal, tender, and really really dirty? A dollar bill.
Why were the other fish calling the shark gay? He swallowed all of the seamen.
What do you get when you stick your hand in a blender? a handshake
Maybe she's boing with it. Maybe it's trampoline.
Taxidermist's Wife: Whatcha thinkin' about? Taxidermist: Stuff.
Who was Tupac married to? His Thug Wife.
Stephen Hawking can be pretty funny sometimes, But I dont think he could do standup
My favorite band I don't normally say I have a favorite band, but if someone held a gun up to my head, I'd probably say The Killers.
The waiter came up to my table and said, "Can I take your order?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Thanks, I'm just really hungry."
Is anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?
Hot single dads in your area AREN'T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
What do you call the red mushy stuff between the elephant's toes? Slow moving natives. Source: one of the all time great TV shows
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo* "It means wisdom" *I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm* "It means I was brave at the doctor"
I heard if you went on a diet.. you could end world hunger.
Why does the KKK like christmas? Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.
My sister asked me if I was gay I couldn't give her a straight answer.
Someday when I am a parent, I will not vaccinate my kids... I'll get a doctor to do it instead.
Damn girl, are you /r/jokes Because you are getting old
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out* But that means [cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Who will win between Obama and Osama in chess? Osama, Obama is missing two towers.
An NFL chuckler If the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are called the Bucs, and the Jacksonville Jaguars are called the Jags, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Oompa Loopa Doopity Doo Here's an executive order for you...
Why do I praise Neo? Because I'm autistic xD XDXD
KFC CD Our local KFC was giving away CDs today, 'the Best of KFC'. Wasn't expecting much but it's finger clicking good!
Photons don't have mass. Does that mean that the light of God doesn't go to church?
Now that I'm 40, it's time to put aside childish things and be a man lol just kidding I'm drawing pictures of raccoons flying spaceships.
Why Hitler was late to work? He accidently didn't took the second left but the third Reich.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it's Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Two peanuts were walking down the street.. One was a salted
I used to steal jokes of comedians. I still do, but I used to too.
What's the difference between a robber and a politician? Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.
I don't care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you're going to need a dentist.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, do feminists still blame men for it?
I really hate the word "subcutaneous." Idk, for some reason it just gets under my skin.
What is Poseidon's favourite shortcut? ctrl + C
Once a neutron went in a mall After all the shopping and stuff, he went to the billing counter and asked bill please The guy there said no charge for you
First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours. Second Witch: Oh what did you have done? First witch: Nothing I was just going in for an estimate.
Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it's supposed to? Yoga pants explained.
We have essentially Elected 4chan for the 45th president of the United States. This is a day that will go down in Infameme.
Where does the zombie president live? In the wight house.
How do you make a fire with two sticks? You make sure one is a match !
A man walked into a bar "Ouch"
Knock knock! "Who's there?" -To "To who?" -To *whom*
My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face. I wear contacts.
What's the difference between your mother and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking when I slap it
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck
Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vaccuum? With a vaccuum, the dirtbag's on the inside!
What's a kidnapper's favorite kind of shoes? White Vans
Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."!
I read a story about a kid that ate 4 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting... It said that he later had a massive vowel movement. Maybe a dirty joke.
What number is higher than infinity? 420
Are you involved in ISIS? Because I'm falling head over heels for you.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead PICASSO: I got this
How did I avoid getting hit by a Wfay? I got the f out of the way.
Helped a turtle cross the road today. So how does this karma shit work? Should I buy a lottery ticket, or just try to fold a fitted sheet?
I spent over an hour at my wife's grave yesterday... whew, that was the longest I've ever lasted
Mothers, out of the 300 guys you're friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby.
New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
All these women marching in protest is so well organized I'd love to talk to the man in charge.
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders
The Great Wall of China proves that Trump's wall will work... ... throughout many centuries no Mexican has ever breached it.
What branch of government actually listens to the people? [The NSA !](/spoiler)
What caveman say when he get hurt? meow.
What's six inches and not getting sucked today Whitney Houston's crackpipe
Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.
Girl, do you need an inhaler? 'Cuz I heard you got that ass mah.
How do you get two elephants into a refrigerator? You put the female in first, and the male will walk in and close the door. (As told by my Materials Science professor)
There is a guy who lives in my town that holds the record for the most concussions by a human. He actually lives right near me, only a stone's throw away.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light-bulb? to get to the other side...
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What do you call that useless piece of skin on the end of the vagina? A woman
They dont just hate him Chris' family doesn't just hate him, they ate him too
What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt? Usian Bolt can finish a race.
Mr Circle went to go see a doctor after being stabbed... The doctor said his blood loss was very sphere
I encountered an eagle with an identity crisis. He's watching me like a hawk.
hunter s. thompson was cool, but there were also tribes that were gatherer s. thompson
Bill and Ben are in the bath... Bill says "flob-a-dob-a-dob!" Ben says "you do that again, and I'm getting out..."
I'm a recovering alcoholic! :I'm recovering from last night!
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for the fresh prints.
What's wrong with 5 Clinton supporters driving a Cadillac off of a cliff? The car holds 6. (It also works for Trump supporters- try it!)
Ivan Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank? He came in with buns glazing.
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He was always afraid he was following someone.
I can swallow two bits of string... And they will come out tied together. I shit you knot!
Two peanuts were walking down the street.... And one of them was assaulted
Mercury has a harsh climate, as the day time temperature is 430 degrees Celcius. At night however, it freezes to -170 degrees Celcius. First world problems.
The last thing The last thing OJ said to Nicole? your waiter will be right with you.
Why were all of the other fish calling the shark gay? He swallowed all of the seamen.
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. *-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*
Lesbian sex is like swimming. [NSFW] It's not hard, and gets you wet.
Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.
Convincing someone to have sex is a lot like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle. It's a lot easier with a knife.
What does a wolf lick a ram with? His tungsten
How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.
I choked on viagra this morning. I had a stiff neck for hours.
You remind me of my step-son... I'm only nice to you because I'm fucking your mother
On a positive note, women with full hour glass figures don't have to wear watches.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I'm Batman now.
Wouldn't it be cool if Zombies & Vampires become human if we bite them first? Somebody needs to test that one.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere
Another Math Joke Two cats are sitting on a roof. Which one will fall off first? The one with the smaller mu.
I saw a porn starring Tila Tequila today The nice man even salted her rim.
What does a cat go to sleep on ? A caterpillow !
Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.
What do Japanese men do when they have erections? They vote.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "Dude, that's a mirror"
<gets on elevator > Pushes all the buttons Hugs everyone Prays out loud that we're not going to die Gets off at the 2nd floor Laughs
What's under there?
What do you call a whistle-blower in a blizzard Edward Snowed-in
Red neck word of the day "fitness" I don't think there's any way we're "fitness" in the back a da truck
Did you hear about the man with five penises? His underwear fits like a glove.
What is the date in Germany/Brasil in about a month from now? Germany/Brasil 7-1
Can we have a moment of silence for all the great tweets that never make it out of the shower...
How to spot an Aussie 1. Shout 1 3 DOUBLE OH! 2 Wait till someone shouts "6 TRIPLE 5 OOOHHHH 6"
Do you think horses feel remorse? They have such long faces.
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair...
What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner? Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!
Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?
The Japanese have two words for dog One is as a pet, the other is as a meal
There are reports that Kim Jon Un doesn't have a butthole That's because all of his shit comes out of his mouth
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them...lipstick melts.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass.......... The doctor described his condition as stable.
A subscription to *Time* is not the most difficult concept to get your head around. I've told you: *Time* and *Time* again.
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Pulls her pants up and goes home.
Jim ate my sandwich. It was clearly labeled. Jim's email is open on his PC. Jim's son now thinks he's adopted. The sandwich was LABELED.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: 6 inches is medium 8 inches is rare.
What do you call it when Daniel Craig has kinky sex? Bondage!
What's The Difference Between Larry Hogan And An Iraqi Child? Larry Hogan gets back from the hospital.
Two elephants jumped off a cliff....... BOOM BOOM!
I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I'd be offered candy by strangers.
Y2K? Because 1 K isn't enough.
What does Islamic extremists and skydivers have in common? they're both Paris shooters
COP: careful, this guy's insane DETECTIVE: ok [he walks into the interrogation room] ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos D: jesus christ
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are just dying to get in.
What's the difference between a goat and a kid? My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising my goats.
COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim's mirror ME: You can't prove it was me COP: It was written in Dorito dust ME: I want a lawyer
My local bondage club was robbed last night... we were all left bound and gagged. We absolutely loved it.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Saying "Only in New York" is just a way for you to cope with watching a bum pee on another bum that is shitting in the subway.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it's dead friends in your hand.
Why is North Korea disliked by South Korea? It's because they are a Seoulless nation.
How many Mexicans does it take to pave a driveway? Six, if you slice them thin enough.
I was sexually assaulted by tony the tiger today. I'm pushing charges for rrrrrrape.
George Clooney looks that way because when he was a kid he kept making handsome faces and it stuck that way. No, don't stare.
What did the lower case "o" say to the capital "O"? You whore.
The Jewish Dad A Jewish kid asks his dad for $50. His dad replies "$40?! What the hell do you need $30 for?!"
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
What do you call a gay quadriplegic? A tomato. It's a vegetable that's a fruit!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
What do you call a mix between an umingmak and a wealthy Canadian-American inventor? An Elon Muskox! please don't kill me
What does the Indian chef do in his spare time? It's naan of your business!!!
Why did John F. Kennedy die? He was too open-minded.
How do you quadruple the capacity of a gay bar? Turn all the stools upside down. (Not trying to offend anyone, just a raunchy joke I heard from my GFs dad)
What did music tell the pancakes? B flat.
German restaurant joke.... I went to a German restaurant and ordered an omelette....I just got a plate with two dots on it.....
ME What's a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica! PENGUIN . . ME [makes flies over head motion] PENGUIN I don't know what that means
I got diarrhea while camping last weekend. Shit was in tents.
[at party] friend: is dave coming? me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia? Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I told my Kentucky raised girlfriend her family tree doesn't fork... ...it spoons. She did not find it humorous
Doctor doctor I feel so short! No problem. Hop up on the couch.
What does Helen Keller call her dog? Nothing. She's dead.
What do you call gay sex between the founder of Scientology and a Native American? The Indian in the Hubbard.
What do you call a dachshund with no hind legs and balls of steel? Sparky.
Cannibals like to meat people.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex can make your whole day, but anal sex makes your hole weak.
3-year-old: *stares at the baby* What does it do? Me: Nothing yet. She's not here to entertain you. 3: Me: 3: Can we get one that is?
Q: How do you sink a Polish ship? A: Put it in water.
What should you do if you find yourself at a my chemical romance gig? Mope the fuck outta there.
What's just as uncomfortable cold, as it is warm? A public toilet seat.
Do you know the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.
The thing people don't understand about how clickbait works
What's the difference between us and the dinosaurs? We don't need an asteroid...
My Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I'm not a bragger.... But if I would be, I'm pretty sure that I would be the best one in the World.
What's it called when you remember a good meme? A Memento
Hey Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sure Bert! XD
derpy joke i went to the zoo the other day and there was just 1 dog.... it was a shitzu
I learned about genetic mutation in biology today. It was my first class.
What do you get when you cross Folger's and Smuckers? ...Smolger's. &lt;.&lt;
Alpha Kenny Body Say it fast, slut.
BLIND DINOSAUR Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur? A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What does Al-Libi use for his defense during his trial? His alibi.
I wanna go to Africa to see where rappers come from.
"No flying cars yet?", he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.
I was considering feeding Mr. Whiskers spicy food... ....But then I remembered that curry-osity killed the cat.
I have an addiction to Mexican food. But I don't like to taco bout it.
What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common? They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.
Gets pulled over: " it's because I can't see isn't it?!"
So I hear the Aryan Union sponsored a 5k... Yeah, they called it the master race.
What did Will Smith's toe say to his face? I am leg end.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won't dig you up and slap you around when I'm feeling mad at skeletons
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goesintight.
[Driving w/date in car] Date [turns radio to country] Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn't working. [Hits eject button]
Craigslist A man placed an ad on his local craigslist: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cannelloni ! Cannelloni who ? Cannelloni some money till next week ?
Do you want to hear a bad joke? *my life* Sorry if that was not likeable and miserable, *just like my face* Okay, I am going to stop before it gets too dark and too empty, *just like my soul.*
What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing ? An elephant's shadow !
Tweets a cocaine joke gets 120 favorites & a trophy Post a cocaine joke on Facebook & gets 170 "we are praying for you" & an intervention.
A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won't get you anything decent
I'm not "rich." Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you're talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My Aunt Used to Drink 13's It's the Polish version of the seven &amp; seven. Source: my dad... Not sure if he made it up or what but made me laugh.
Oh dear. This black lady on the Maury show is so upset. I think the gentleman she's been dating has let her down in some way.
If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam, it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher. Edit: grammar
Wisdom from Confucius Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number"  Age is clearly a word.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
2016 That's it.
pizza pizza pizza eatya eatya eatya
So an introvert throws a party for introverts... Needless to say there was a shortage of corners in the house.
New Year's Resolution 2016p
When you're in trouble at work, be frank..... That way, when the boss finds out, Frank gets the blame.
I got a new job working in an underwear factory I'll be pulling down 800 a week
Why was the computer tired when he got home? Because he had a hard drive!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
You had me at "there's no security cameras."
My hearing loss in both ears
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can't wait to do this to my kids.
If you blew up Mount Rushmore, what crime would you have committed? Four counts of defacing a national monument.
Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.
So I took my car into the mechanic and he said I blew a seal. I said, "well yeah, but how did you know? And what does that have to do with my car?"
What do you call a dark wizard that loves to give hickeys? a necromancer
If your jokes are corny I'm all ears.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... ... Then it hit me!
[class trip] I'm farmer Joe, this is my farm DO U HAVE COWS? Yes, it's a dairy farm DO U HAVE WHALES? Kid, why wouldn't we have whales?
Why are pills white ? Because they work.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place. Chuck Norris wont let it.
What's a vegetarian policeman's favourite meal? Caesar Salad
In the midst of all this negativity and hate please take comfort in remembering that I have a 5 star uber passenger rating
What does Michigan State football and Marijuana have in common? They are both green and get smoked in bowls!
why don't robot chickens play basketball? too many technical fowls
What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Bolt can finish a race.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
Usain Bolt's net worth is $60 million. How did he get so rich? By saving the gas money!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars... I let them sit there and think about what they've done...
What did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip
My daughter is starting to ask embarrassing questions about sex. Just yesterday she asked: "Is that the best you can do?"
Who is the world's worst suicide hotline operator? Shia Lebouf.
Hitting on a girl at a bar.... She keeps telling me "Dan, I'm bisexual, I'm bisexual." I say "That's great. I buy sex too. How much?"
What happens when we put white people in power Police brutality.
Bought some vaginal jelly the other day... Didn't taste like it at all!!
Why are branches attached to trees? Because they stick
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I was at work trying to come up with a joke about drills bits... ...but they were all too boring.
Have you heard about the collapse of the boxer shorts industry? apparently it was quite brief.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel like putting the lotion on its skin.
r/Jokes Do you know any jokes told in the first person? I always enjoy a good joke told as if it actually happened to the person telling it. Know any good ones?
wise man jokes?
A man walks into a bar... ... because he didn't see it.
What happened to the tree after it caught fire? It became entally handicapped
What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? They are both living off of dead beatles.
Too many girls want attention, not enough want respect!
What's Big, White and If It falls out of a tree it will kill you? A Fridge
Brings sexy back. Gets charged $5,275.00 in late fees.
It seems Caitlyn Jenner has made her final transition into a woman..By driving like one.
I'm rubber. You're glue. I don't conduct low voltage electricity. You're great for arts & crafts.
Experiment: text your parents "got 2 grams for $40" then right after "Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you" Then tweet pic of their response.
Two nuts were walking down a street... One was assaulted
what is the leading cause of Pedophilia? Sexy kids
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten- tickles FTW!
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
You and my mother are the only women in my life! Said the redneck.
Have you guys heard of the new ska/dubstep band? first they drop the bass. then they pickitup-pickitup-pickitup!
How to pass a very difficult exam? Change your name to time, time always passes no matter what
People are forgetting that illegals are "stealing" jobs that no one else wants like the job of being Donald Trump's wife
I had an ant bite my penis today. it feels like a little prick.
I see your nerd joke and raise you mine A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. He says to the bartender "How much?". Bartender replies, "For you no charge."
What doctors shop at Barnes and Noble? Doctors without Borders. Credit to Max Scoville.
How did the chewing gum cross the road? By sticking to the chicken's foot.
If Obama is a Muslim extremist, then how come he's a gay prostitute?
What does Bill Cosby have in common with a Pokemon trainer? He makes sure his catch is weak before he throws his balls at them.
When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put  them back quietly.
Of all the stupid things the church makes people believe, leading everyone to believe they can and should sing is the absolute worst.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That'll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I don't like 9/11 jokes they're 2 plane
It's wisest to pick the side of the person who knows the most shit about you
It's 2012, aka the future. Don't ask me to print shit out, sign, scan, fax, etc. You're not the CIA. Dial it down, Patty Printsalot.
Why don't you ever eat a girl out in the morning? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese?
What's the difference between Elliot Rodger and an egg? [x-post from r/4Chan] An egg gets laid before it cracks. [Source:](http://i.imgur.com/L4kXpw8.jpg)
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day. Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks So I tried it, and it doesn't.
What's brown and steaming and lies behind the barracks? Gomer's pile.
What do waiters want most after dinner? The tip!
What do you call a shed full of colored folk? Antique farm equipment!
What do you call it when you get a blowjob from a woman with Zika? A little head
Vegetarians have been screaming, "Save the Animals!" for years. If they were really interested in animals, why do they keep beating a dead horse?
What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back.
When your nose is running and your feet smell, you are not sick you're just built upside down.
My husband said he bought the toupee for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
is there a sadder metaphor of ur adulthood destroying ur childhood than the fact that to get to work evryday u hav to burn up dead dinosaurs
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care.
what's the worst thing about eating your veggies? Getting them out of the wheel chair......
how many feet does the centipede use while running only 98, the other 2 are swinging
I like my coffee how I like my bed. Made by someone else.
Did you hear about the murder of the door maker? The police said it was an open and shut case.
Where my hanging preposition lovers at?
It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is "Chuck". I mean, what the Farles is that about?
autism awareness day A day for people with autism to be aware they have autism
When I get Christmas cards with pictures of my friends' kids on them, I just draw dicks all over their faces and send them back.
What do you call a morality story with sharp teeth and green scales? An allegory.
It's weird how women are always wearing clothes. What are they trying to hide?
did you know that the bible doesn't actually contain any references to hell? or heaven? or christ?? it just a bunch of names & phone numbers
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
So Amazon has a new drone delivery service... It's called "UPS deliverymen."
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don't get all the cancer today!
As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.
What is the difference between a girl and a washer? The washer doesn't follow you around after you put a load in it.
a bum came up to me once and said "sticking your junk in the snow is what necrophilia feels like" ok
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat. Her son is 6 ....
Waiter: Did we decide? Date: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. Me: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My wife's cock crazy... Two licks then she goes nuts.
This will blow your mind! If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.
I hate moving house... It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the sex offenders register again. I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard.
What is the most said band name during the holidays? U2
My grandfather went to the doctor The doctor said he has the body of a 21 year old, who smokes, drinks, and does hard drugs.
"Your under arrest!" No, YOU'RE under arrest *police looks around points to himself & mouths 'me'* Yeah you. *he tosses me cop car keys*
We all have someone's phone number in our phone and they have no idea we have it!
If turkeys go extinct and we start eating giraffes for Thanksgiving, I got dibs on the neck.
The final season of Jersey Shore will feature all your favorite characters - The Situation, Snooki, the Department of Child Services. . .
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish? Pick up lines
I invented a sport called Mexican football You take a Mexican and kick him over a wall.
I walk the walk. I talk the talk. But mostly I sit the sit.
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help". So I sent her a timetable.
Do you know why there are no jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? The punchline is too long.
I won't travel to certain regions of the world simply because of the spiders that reside there.
Redditor's Headstone Inscription NOW I KNOW I'M LATE SO WILL LIKELY GET BURIED
Hey girl you must be a Charmander... cause yo tail end is *fire*.
I guess I'm "just ok" at being self-deprecating
What do you call poor pasta? Spaghetto.
What do you call a tavern that only serves baby foxes and adult felines? Kit Cat Bar
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
It'd be funny if everyone told their kids Steve Buscemi is the tooth fairy.
They say gays destroy the very fabric of society..... Nonsense! No gay man would ever dream of destroying fabric.
Why did the Turkey join the band? because he had two Drumsticks.
Did you hear about the cannibal in the colosseum? He was gladiator.
I like my women how I like my coffee Not breathing (   )
I think the easiest way to get a woman to sleep with you is to have her in bed with you when she's very tired.
Ego and Super Ego walk into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some Id."
Do you know what George Washington would be doing if he were alive today? Scratching like hell at the inside of his casket.
Is it bad that when you walk into a room and a persons clothes are hanging up that you think they have new curtains?
How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter? Tell her a joke at Christmas
Anti... ...Cipation!
I was so bored earlier I made a belt out of watches. It was a complete waist of time.
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Pretty good.
Who is the most popular wizard on the Internet? Har e-potter.
Buzz Aldrin is the second man on the moon... Neil before me
I like to have have sex to #Kesha songs. I hate her so much that it makes for a great anger-fuck. #hopeshelikesitrough
A guy meets a fat chick at a convention [deleted]
If April showers bring May flowers what do Mayflowers bring? Genocide.
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office? I can clearly see "you're" nuts....
I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.
A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today He doesn't know it, but this is the best date in a long time
A guy walks into a bar... A guy walks into a bar and asks "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?". The bartender replies "No we only have plain."
Parallel lines have so much in common... It's a shame that they'll never meet.
What is it called when you walk away from your banana cream pie in the Sahara? Deserting your dessert in the desert. I feel some banana jokes about to be inserted in this thread tho
How did a Hispanic farmer propose to his girlfriend? With arroz.
This girl told me she was saving herself for Jesus I said Jesus probably isn't going to fuck you.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
What do they call the pun masters of the streets? Punksters
Why didnt Jesus become a boxer? Crosses killed him.
What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip? Killed in a Parisian tunnel.
How do you pick up a jew? With a dustpan of course!
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands
What do you call a Mexican girl who converts to Islam? Dora the Exploder
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
Who are the fastest readers of all time? 9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 15 seconds
According to the white girl weather report, today will be "suuuuper duper sunny" with a high of "ughhhh" and a low of "fuh-reezing!"
What did the wife cupcake say when her husband asked what's wrong? *Shrugs shoulders whilst turning head up and to the right* "muffin'"
Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created
What is the first thing a blind man says? My eyes! My eyes!
I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.
Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"
Did you hear that Robert Plant got in a car wreck? Now he's Robert Vegetable.
What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house? ...it was repossessed!
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
What's the difference between the Polish and polish? No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you
What's Sideshow Bobs least favorite creepypasta? The Rake.
What is the cow's holiday greeting?  Mooooory Christmas!
Why do black guys only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them because I know life is really, really tough for the visually impaired. :(
2030's kids won't get this... Drinking water.
cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
Where will you never find a hipster fish? The mainstream
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I'll never have to be anywhere on time again
My professor told me my writing reveals my erudite nature. I explained that my birthstone is actually amethyst.
Why do French bakers listen to death metal? Because all they touch is pain.
What do you get if you rub an eggplant? A little aubergenie
Why do all public restrooms feel haunted?
What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it
You: "Whale you be my Valentuna?" Me: "Dolphinately."
My boyfriend thinks I'm not funny. Whatever, at least I'm a real person.
I bet the LAPD gets a lot of calls about "a lost, lonely-looking little girl" that turn out to be David Spade walking home.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Doctor doctor I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.
I made a joke XD What do you call it when a soldier gets laid? *Tactical Insertion.* What do you call it when a COD player gets laid? *Lies.*
Hot kraft singles in my pocket waiting to meet you.
My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening
Your mama's so fat She needs to use [Terashare](http://terashare.net)
When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
Did you hear the one about the woman with a breast implant made of wood? It would be funny if it had a punchline Wooden tit
Why do the Avengers keep calling Spiderman over to fix their computer? Because they heard he's a web developer
1+1=3 It does take about 9 months though
I think my parents should have named me Winter So that every time I'm having sex with my girlfriend, I could shout 'Brace yourselves! Winter is coming!'
HALF LIFE 3 CONFIRMED!
What's 9 inches long, rock hard, full of semen, and the ladies scream at? my cock.
I invented papaya flavored cream cheese. I call it "Pap Schmear".
[Joke Request] An actress, a lesbian, and a blonde walk into a bar... Request for a a joke with that beginning. Any help is appreciated! Please and thank you! :)
I told my doctor I was having issues during sex. He said Cialis. Could someone tell me where I find Alice?
Where do people go for pasta related crimes? A PENNEtentiary!
What do you call a blind deer? No Idea. (Hopefully you will get it, repeat twice if you have to) Edit: In case you don't get it, its No Eye Deer. [No Idea]
No matter how kind you are German children are kinder.
First Post Knock knock Who's there? Immigration, let's go.
Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my Facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I  didn't leave.
Me: Shot through the heart 911: What is your location? Me: And you're to blame 911: Pardon? Me: You give love a bad name 911: I'm hanging up
Why did Adolf Hitler hate math class? He didn't like showing his work; was only interested in the final solution.
why is there no windows 9? Because 7 8 9!
Joke my dad loved What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory? Two test tickles
Canadian knock-knock joke *Knock knock.* **Who's there?** *Sorry.* **No I'm sorry.** *No I'm sorry.*
I'm cooking some SpaghettiOs in nothing but my underwear. All of a sudden, Chef Ramsay bursts into my kitchen and beats the shit out of me.
I was in a relationship with a chimera, but it got weird. She wouldn't stop calling me "daddy".
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in a closet?
What do you call a wet bear? A drizzly bear.
My little sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta :b
A patient kept complaining about his life-support machine making a weird noise So I tried turning it off and back on again.
Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed? With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed
There's a new perfume being marketed to the super rich that contains a singular ingredient... ...it's called One Pure Scent.
Slightly funny gay joke What doesn't work? A gay dude allergic to nuts
How do you make hard cider? Put it in the freezer.
Why did Captain Hook think Robin Williams death was funny? He likes dead-'Pan'...
Look I see that you love me and would kill for me, but this guy over here barely notices me and has a GF. I'll play the odds. -Woman logic
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn't know where it was
Ah, I love self-deprecating humor. That's one more thing that won't love me back.
What do you call the TMNTs doing stand up comedy? April's Fools!!!
What did the jalapeno dress up as for Halloween? A Ghost Pepper.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? Wash her hand out with soap. ... rearranged the furniture. ... put her in a round room and told her to go sit in the corner.
How many elves does it take it screw in a lightbulb? Two, but they have to be very small.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you? "Regular coffee with cream please" That's $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales. "TEN?"
I'm behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I'll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
So a redhead says to her blonde friend... "I just slept with a Brazilian." the blonde says, "You slut! How many is a brazilion?"
If you read into something enough, it can be offensive. I like puppies
What did the Bacon say to the Tomato? What did Bacon say to Tomato? "Lettuce get together"
Christy's husband wants to get divorced. "No way, John!" says Christy. "Widow you took me, widow you leave me!".
What do you get when a dragon sneezes? Out of the way. Thanks League smh
So this is weird: I bent over to pick up a cashew & a bunch of hot, scented air rushed out of my bottome-hole, making a curious noise.
Doctor: this might hurt a little bit Me: okay Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend
I just starred in a movie about a guy who sells car parts Don't worry, I won't give away any spoilers
One mans trash... "One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is a fantastic Idiom. But it's a horrible way to tell your kid that he's adopted.
"Don't believe everything you read" is the best motto I've ever read. But I'm not sure if I should believe it or not. I'm so confused now.
What did the skeleton order at the restaurant? Spare ribs.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, 'cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
A friend of mine suggested I go see a psychic medium. Apparently, I needed an extra large.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I'll be just fine.
President Clinton to maid: Mam can you do  something about Hillary's room. She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Yo mama so poor I stepped in her house and I was in the backyard.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico. After eating their way through fat Americans, they'll be like "Sorry little Canadians. We're full."
Do you ever look at your own ass and ask yourself "What the hell is going on?" -- Balaam son of Beor
...and tonight's final jeopardy category is Greek Mythology *giant centaur snorts and smiles at the other two contestants*
No, I can't make it to your hair washing party tonight. I'm washing my h... erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.
What do you call a competition between two assholes who like to masturbate A jerk off!
There is a house on my street that I can't stop staring at. It's front door is especially entrancing.
Why do all the trees in Kansas lean south? Because Oklahoma sucks.
You can tell the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky... Otherwise they would've called it a teethbrush!
Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?
If a fat person has a fully functioning penis... If a fat person has a fully functioning penis, does that make them a sperm whale?
if you wake up.... If you wake up in the middle of the woods and your butt hurts would you tell anyone? No! Wanna go camping?
Why are you late? Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
You know what's not right? Left
Why are camels called the ships of the desert? They're full of Iraqi semen.
My son asked me to explain what coloring eggs had to do with the story of Easter... "You see, son, we color Easter eggs to remind us that Jesus dyed for our sins."
What do you call it when you spill meth into your cake mix? Baking Bad
Q.Why is a dog scared of a fire? A.It doesn't want to become a hot dog.
My dog Minton just ate my shuttle cock. Bad Minton.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Why is the Adults only store open 24hrs? Because get off at different times.
Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane? Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?
You show me a tropical fruit... And I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
What's the most emotional computer you can buy? A Dell.
What if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up, You could plug it into your computer And watch them over again.
I'm at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Why does the Empire use Apple? Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for
A man who calls himself "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is currently hunting down a man named "War Machine". We all live inside a comic book now.
What do you call a gaming double entendre? A Ninutendo
I'm the master at playing 'The floor is lava' *Lies on the couch*
TIFU by being King of the jungle. Lololol I am Lion
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it's awkward.
"There's Dave" Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he's a hotdog and "f" is a vowel? [cut to Dave writing in a book titled "Diary of an frank"]
The doctor told the couple to eat lemons before sex to avoid pregnancy. ........But there was a mis-conception.
Did you hear the Buck Wheat became a Muslim? Yeah! He changed his name to Kareem o'Wheat
"IT'S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!" - Cats
This strange woman won't stop talking to me so I'm going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
KFC Is like making love to a woman..... First you start with the succulent thighs then move on to the juicy breasts and at the end all your left with is a greasy box to stick your bone in
What do you do when attacked by a group if clowns? Go for the juggler.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
here is a joke said no german ever
missy the lost cat http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
What the rapper's younger brother say when he got hit by his Molotov Cocktail? "Looks like bro's mix tape finally dropped..."
Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
What do Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have in common? Their goldman sacks
What did the Psychiatrist say to the man who walked in wearing nothing but plastic wrap? I can clearly see ur nuts.
I caught a sea bass once. I wanted to mount it... But there were people watching.
Did you hear that the band members of No Doubt have announced they are moving forward without Gwen Stefani. It is reported they will now go by the name "Some Doubt".
Some people just don't understand evolution. I was talking to an Australian the other day who actually thought *he* came from Darwin! All credit to Milton Jones for that one.
Your momma is so ugly.... Bill Cosby gave her coffee.
I won't beheading to Iraq anytime soon
I feel for Hillary Clinton The FBI found a server in my basement too. She was from Hooters I think.
Hubby's ex emailed him wanting to "reconnect". I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass
Whoever said that all press is good press... clearly hasn't heard of Lostprophets.
one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought "oh the horse is trained for stairs" and then they both fell
Whats with all this Anti-Semitic Jokes lately? Jew nose... - I am truely sorry for that one
Restless Leg Syndrome I found out I have restless leg syndrome so I started wearing a Fitbit to bed. I get at least 10,000 steps a night.
Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing... He killed Hitler.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
What's the difference between Valve and uranium? Uranium gets to its half-life on time.
I guess you could say Luke Skywalker single-handedly defeated the empire. I told this joke to someone in a dream, and when I woke up I realized it was actually funny.
If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, shit probably stops being funny real quick.
I went to the doctor and said, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means someone is talking about it." - Garry Shandling. RIP.
What's blue, white and red? A cancerous child who fall down the stairs.
I thought it was polite to open doors for women.. But she just screamed and flew out the plane.
What do you call a Mexican child? A paragraph, because he isn't yet an ese.
Thinking of starting an all Asian band Just so we can be called GnarLee
A sad can goes to get recycled. He was soda-pressed.
If two vegetarians get into a fight Is it still considered beef?
I was walking around an art gallery with my wife. "Does anything in this room get you excited?" she said, with a cheeky wink. I said, "Yes, some of the paintings."
"Can't beat fresh apple pie" she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. "Wrong" I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my dick So my wife can blow all the money she wants
7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like "hey dad, why don't you remember our names"
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
There was a tragedy in Mexico.. It was a two car pile up 40 people died. Got any other funny jokes guys?
Why does a Jew moan when he has an orgasm? Because it has to come from his own sack (Joke might work better in Dutch, where 'zak' means both sack and pocket)
Explosive Opportunity A British engineer started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says that prophets are going through the roof.
What do vampires make sandwiches out of?  Self-raising dead.
I like my women how I like my whiskey 12 years old and mixed up with coke
What is that red stuff on your face? I said to my older cousin what was that red stuff on his face. "Where?" He said. I said , as I was forming a punch then punch is fucking face. "Right there."
What I say: Get dressed Brush teeth Get in the car What my kids hear: Have a snack Shriek like monkeys Open 3 umbrellas indoors Go poop
I slept with 4 girls last night... And the floor of the hotel room killed my back.
Hitler was a great man. He killed Hitler.
Two men walk into a bar, which is strange since you'd think the second one would have seen it when the first one hit it.
I made on offensive joke about Muslims... and boom, I lost my job.
Hired a Mexican gondolier... ...his name was Pedro.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands.
What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? Bilingual What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks only 1 language? American.
There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake shit.
I just got a text from a woman I know that said only "we z". Did she just ask me to sleep with her in three letters? Nicely done!
If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100's of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Nike is coming out with a line of Air Brady football shoes. They have a built in suspension feature. You just have to let some air out.
How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying? His mouth is moving.
I only learned Roman numerals so I can be damn sure which Rocky I'm about to watch.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I got into a fight over this stupid dress. It got heated my friend punched me and know I have a big white and gold mark on my eye.
What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor
This is my favorite amnesia joke: Shit, I forgot it.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Sorry if repost
What's the difference between a vegetarian and a brony? A vegetarian doesn't like meat in their mouth.
Did you hear the one about the nympho who went fishing with 5 guys? She came home with a red snapper.
On the topic of jokes we made up when we were younger, here's mine: "How much does Canada cost?" Nothing. It's a free country.
Ground control to Kerbal III, how willing would you be to share your proximity to the equator? We have zero inclination.
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.
riddler: check out aquaman's new tweet: "on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam" lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL others: LOL
Why is it that when a woman sleeps with a bunch of men, she is a slut? But when I do it, suddenly I am gay?
PHP Dating Advice I had a date() with PHP and I had to mktime() for it.
This actually happened My brother has a lockbox and lost the key, so he said to me "Zaent, can you pick a lock?", I replied "Give me two and I'll pick one."
How many Mormons does it take to drink a 12 pack of beer? One if nobody is watching.
What's the difference between ELI5 and AskScience? About 3 replies in the top comment thread.
"Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.
What do you call the spirits of honey bees? Boo-bees
What do you call the money a prostitute makes? Incum
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? Because he was too far out, man
What happened to Kim Jong? He was ill.
You don't realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin? Pingu-Pong!
How does a baby Wookie get around? Ewoks
The only thing worse than finding your girlfriend on Tinder... Is your girlfriend finding you.
Why do women get married? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
When I get fired, I assume they are going to show me a hidden-camera montage of me flipping off my boss and customers behind their backs.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
wanna hear a joke about pizza? nevermind.. it's way too cheesy.
I broke my finger today But on the other hand im fine
I like my girls the same way I like my coffee. Hot as fuck and all over my crotch while I am trying to drive.
Budweiser is like having sex in a canoe... It's fucking close to water.
What's the difference between a joke and your friend's blog? You enjoy it when a joke is posted on Facebook
"Will this ever feel less awkward?" - whoever is waking up beside Michael Cera right now
Her: Do you consider yourself broadminded? Me: All I ever think about are broads... so I'll have to go with a yes on this one.
HR: The delivery job is yours. Me: Great! HR: Do u have a reliable car? Me: Yes. HR: Model? Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
What did the redneck say to his girlfriend after they broke up? "Its ok, we can still be cousins."
Why can't muslims eat pigs? Because the Quran forbids cannibalism
I don't know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.
Germ 1-OMG he dropped his pizza! Germ 2-PIIZZZAAAA!!! Let's get it! Germ Capt.-Stand back! He still has one more second to pick it up.
a guy with bdsm fetish plays COD whats his favorite mode? DOMINATION
What you don't want to hear when having great sex "HONEY!! I'm home !!! "
I don't know why they call it a period. At my house it's more like "!#%* you, you piece of $&amp;!@".
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
A. Schwarzenegger has it long, Brad Pitt short, Madonna does not have it and the Pope does not use it. What is it? A surname.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
Blonde Vs Brunette LoLxx Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don't know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house. The owner had left a note. "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
A trans-gender asked me how babies were made...so I made it apparent.
Trigger warning!! The next 4 years in America
Lame joke I made one night. What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender? A visit from the cops.
[slips the bus driver 20] "Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?"
What's faster than a black man with your TV? His son with your DVD player! I mean no racism in this joke*
My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom
[in hospital] -dude what happened? "I got hit by a bu- [a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion] -I mean I fell down the stairs"
I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today. Her funeral will be this saturday.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
What hangs at a man's thigh, and wants to poke the hole it's often poked before? A key.
Friends are like steaks If you grill them for long enough, they become rare
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
Which African Dictator extorts flying insects Robert Mug-a-bee
I'm always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I'm sensitive but I've killed people.
How do you stop an elephant from charging? Vivisection.
If you know how many calories are in your donut, you're not eating it right.
My first broadway show was about puns. It was a play on words.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.
Sometimes it's better to keep using the wrong key until you find the right lock.
Two quick jokes How do you make a dog go meow? Freeze it in a block of ice an run it through a band-saw... MMMEEEOOOOWWWW! How do you make a cat go woof? Pour kerosene on it an drop a match... WOOOFF!
About to hit the ball Boss: you said you'd played before? Me: uh yes Boss: that's a putter Me: Is that wrong? Boss: wrong for squash yes
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Once there was a man who followed the Mongol hordes so that he could catch and sell the injured after battles. He was a mangled Mongle monger
Why are Black people so fast? [Don't say it in public] ... because all the slow ones are in Jail
My friends bakery burnt down... It was toast =D lmao
Keep death off our roads Drive on the pavement. . .
On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean
They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd
What did one horny whale say to the other? Wanna humpback at my place?
What chews on trees and sings? Justin Beaver
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
How do you make a salad wrap? By adding some beets
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight  dinner? A. A power failure.
I stole a jar of jelly from a friend... While I was blasting some Daft Punk. He chases me down yelling "That's my jam!"
Ok r/jokes, i know you got jokes, but i want to hear some puns! I know there is an r/puns, but just humor me.
A man walks into a bar... ... He ended up with three stiches on his nose.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word - "Yes Dear."
i before e except after c Great, now how am I supposed to spell "ice" again?
Engineer's Joke I have a girlfriend!
What kind of pants does Mario wear? denim denim denim
My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree. You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.
And I thought I hated Mondays.... But Robin Williams really! Hated Mondays
BREAKING: Barack Obama just elected President of the US - Sent from Internet Explorer
I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet. I defeated him.
Why was the candle mad at his friend? He blew him off.
"What's your name?" "Dave Fucking Smith" "Do you have Tourette's, Dave?" "No, but the vicar at my christening did."
What do you call a deaf dog? It doesn't matter, it can't hear you anyway.
A Doctor, Nun, Priest, Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all walk into a bar. The barman takes one look and says: 'What is this, a joke?'
If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be? Bad at following directions.
What did the thunder say when it understood the joke? I feel so enlightninged!
Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall. At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.
I think it's important for women to know there are men who stand at urinals and pee with their hands on their hips like they're Superman.
My friend said he had 10 times more chicks than me Well 10 x 0 is 0.
Did you hear about the Indian that drank 50 cups of Tea? He drowned in his Tea Pee.
Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work. Me: I talk to myself when I'm driving sometimes too, it's ok. Boss: Just get out.
How do you make an ugly baby? Ask your parents.
How do telepaths have an orgasm? They get their mind blown.
My dick is like the movie Birth of a Nation its long, epic and black people dont like it.
Hey baby, You know how I know I'm getting laid tonight? I'm stronger than you.
Why did Bill Nye crash his car? Because inertia is a property of matter.
I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant a transmission problem rather than repossession problem.
My town is holding their annual incest competition. I entered my sister.
I applied for a job as a suicide bomber. I said I have no previous experience, they didn't seem to mind.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old's burp.
Who do cows pray to? Moohammad
What is a depressed German with Celiac disease unlikely to have tomorrow? A Gluten Morgan
What do you call your whore mother? NASS
What did the blind paraplegic get for Christmas? cancer.
What do Asians do when they have erections? They vote
I keep all of my fishing equipment in one place. That's what sea shed.
I'm looking for the funniest short joke ever Not short as in small, short as in short
A bar walks into a bar Haha I have no idea where I was going with this please don't be mean I thought it was going to be funny.
Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son. "Sir this is Urban Outfitters" Do you have any 'baes'? "Please leave"
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you  haven't pissed in 8 hrs
"That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice." No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Did you hear about the man without a penis? He came out of nowhere!
The wike asks his husband: Honey, what do you prefer? A beautiful woman or an intelligent woman? Neither one, you know I just like you
Why does Hillary Clinton secretly want to lose the election? Because if she wins, she'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmys? One is a cunning bunch of runts...
My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that.
I would imagine there really isn't any market for sea shells down by the sea shore considering the abundance of free sea shells.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should've because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
What's the Shah's favorite band? Iran Maiden
What happens when someone mixes Francium, Oxygen, Tungsten, and Nitrogen after it explodes? The chemist may frown.
I'm aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Have you heard about Henry the brown-nosed reindeer? He's just as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick
I often chastise my conservative grandpa for stereotyping black people.. I mean how rude it is to pick on jobless people raised by single mothers...
What do you call a group that has gotten nothing done since the 90s The UN
Watching WWII documentaries, it's always so heart wrenching when Poland is invaded and London is bombed by the Alt-Right.
If I got 50 cents for every math exam I failed... I'd have $7.35 now.
what was wrong with the air? the swine flu
What do you call a hairy gay man who suffers from mood swings? A bipolar bear
Whenever I throw bread at the birds in the river I always miss Because they duck.
Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed? She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
Where does bees wax come from? Bees nuts!
What do you call a yellow Oreo? An orienteo!
Ten: Number of fingers children have. Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.
What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? Lmayo.
Man who go to bed with itchy bum Wake up with smelly finger. Is fact.
Interrupting Cow Red: Knock Knock Dit: Who's There? Red: Interrupting Cow Dit: Interrupti- Red: MOOOOOOOOOOO
If you have a referee in football what do you  have in bowls ? Cornflakes !
Someone tweets "pizza," I want pizza. Someone tweets "donut," I want a donut. Someone tweets "kale," I want pizza and a donut.
When is a car like a frog ? When it's becing toad !
Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
Two office workers were chatting around the water cooler. "I had a nice quiet dinner with my wife last night, Harry," said one. "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, except for the celery."
How many joules does it take to fry a Jew? Nein joules.
all the haters throwimg tomatos at me while im on stage dont seem to understand that im always lookimg for extra tomatos to make soup with
I want to learn how to do 3 things before I die 1.) Learn how to count
Friend: you should come over tonight. we're watching 'How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what? Friend:
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake. Dog-1 Human-0
Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.
Why don't jokes in base 8 work? Because 7 10 11
Jimmy the NASCAR driver liked to masturbate during the race. He always came first, but finished last.
I didn't believe it when they told me the government had accidentally opened a portal to another dimension while trying to spy on the Russians... But I guess stranger things have happened.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
In a recent interview, Heather Mills was asked why she thought Paul McCartney was still famous. She said she was stumped.
I was told by the vet that i had to put my cat down... So i went home to it and said "You're fat and lazy."
T he bes thin gabou tTCPfl owcontr oljokesi sthatthey knowwhento backo ff....
Working out For me going to the gym is a lot like having sex. I'm get nervous before, it doesn't last as long as I want it to, I'm ashamed the whole time, and I usually cry afterwards.
Why are ugly guys better with computers then women? Turning off a computer often fixes the problem.
I saw a chameleon today... ...guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon. *I submitted this joke a few years ago, I'm reposting myself (which was originally also a repost)*
Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.
Which disease do hobbits fear the most? The Bilbonic plague.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? he had a reptile dysfunction...
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her. She was seeing somebody on the side.
I cheated in the annual rabbit racing contest..... I won by a hare
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What does a code-switching trilingual Russian say when he wants to increase his bovine supply? Mas cow.
*holds flashlight under chin Me: suddenly the mystery of... Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins *drops flashlight Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
What did the forward rooster say? Cock a doodle do. What did the backward rooster say? Doodle doodle cock. WHAT did the gay rooster say? Any cock will do.
Welcome to Religion, where everything's pretend and women don't matter
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I'm gonna sting him BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My life is like a romantic comedy Except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes. &gt; HA! Hilarious and original! Encore!
What are pigskins used for? Holding the pig together.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together. The story was riveting.
I hate it when you're sitting on the bus... ...and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you. You know the type. The ones that watch you masturbate.
I like to think that T.J. Maxx is what happens when Office Max takes off his tie and slips on a pair of shades.
What do you call a black man walking down the street? A pedestrian.
a man walks into a bar "Ouch!" he said.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!
TIFU at Subway - accidentally sent someone to the ER Oops, wrong sub
Did you recover from your operation? Not yet. The doctor says I still have two more payments.
I used to know a real good joke about the Jonestown Massacre... Man, it was a good one too. The punchline was killer.
Q: What do you call a 30 foot purple dinosaur named Fred who has acne and is scared of penguins? A: Fred.
A man is standing on club street thrusting in public. A cop taps him on the shoulder and says "What are you doing?". The man replied "Fucking nothing".
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can't it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
"What happened?" The bullets asked their sad bullet friend... "I got fired." He replied.
A fava bean was playing near a meat grinder Then his mother came and said, "Stop that! You're making a foule out of yourself!"
I saw a car with no wheels the other day They were enTIREly gone
What do you call someone who has irrational and prejudiced views against motor races? A feminist
Bloody Fords! How is a voiceless crow like a Ford dealer? They both have broken kaa's.
my girlfriend folded the corner on a page of my new book, rather than use a bookmark. so i gently folded her credit card, until it snapped.
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't afford vanity plates? He had to change his name to J3X CY4
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl] "Do you like it?" Her: That's sheet music "Yes, it is." Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Did you hear about the new sprinklers from Australia? They're Aussielating.
My friend said he was really down because of his car troubles... I told him i didn't wan't to hear his saab story.
What did the mexican fireman name his 2 children? Jose and Hose B
Life's not about people who act true to your face. It's about people who remain true behind your back.
I guess my parents were secret agents all along. I heard they're getting a divorce because my dad got blown by the mailman.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america's got talent HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
2 hr flight, better buy 8 lbs of fruit and nut mix.
A guy gets the words "I love you" tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife, and she says, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth."
I'm the first to review a series of roads that have no left turns ... ... it's alright.
All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary... Joke's on them, so are they! Edit: ermagerd front page!
Feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight. Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
She said she was turned on by men who took risks. So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
"Dad, did you know in some countries men don't know their wives till after they get married?" "Um, it's like that in every country, son."
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year-old child? Eric Clapton never would have let his bag of coke fall out of a 49th-story window!
What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot? Pretzalcoatl
The Joke They Don't Tell Idiots Sorry bro, can't tell you
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they're concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
"Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself. Itself." -History
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I couldn't think of any good Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes right now, but when I do I'll be back.
I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.
TIFU Down was jealous.
What's the Addams Family's favorite cocktail? Mortinis
Don't date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it's teeth at you.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I watched my dog chase his tail in circles for ten minutes. It amazed me how stupid and easily entertained he was. Then I realized I had just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
In exchange for eternal youth, Amanda promised a witch her firstborn child. Amanda's a lesbian.
Australia's got 99 problems... But beaches ain't one.
What do you call a terrible pun? A puntastropie.
I like putting my feet on Ottomans. I mean they deserve it after what they did to Constantinople. Footstools shouldn't conquer empires.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't like things as much as I do.
Documentary I just finished watching a documentary on time machines. That's 3 hours of my life I'll probably get back.
Did you hear about the comedian who gave an old lady a defective piece of cooking equipment? He's known for his deadpan delivery.
How does a train eat? It goes chew-chew.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
I'm giving up, folks. Years of letters and phone calls making my case quite articulately but they still won't give the Muppets nipples.
Two elephants are in a bathtub..... One says to the other, "pass the soap". The other elephant promptly responds, "no soap, radio!"
A Muslim, a Communist and a black man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Welcome, President Obama!"
Did you hear about the monster with one eye at the back of his head and one at the front? He was terribly moody because he couldn't see eye to eye with himself.
Thanks for explaining the word many to me. It means a lot.
Another grandfather joke This was my grandfather's favorite, since we're doing this now: What happened when the man lost his suspenders? He became one of those For Whom the Belt Holds
The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here." A time traveller walks into a bar.
The leading cause of death in 1926 was being hit by a spinning newspaper graphic
I renamed my night club Viagra... It's been 4 hours and people are still cuming!
4007 What is the most unethical thing you can legally buy? Nestle products
Love is grand Divorce is a HUNDRED grand...
So..... That thing on top "i" So the little dot on top of the letter i has a name.... You
My mate recently lost all of his fingers in a horrible accident. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels.
What does Agatha Christie call a group of almost every type of bird? A Murder of Most Fowls!
What do bears and women from Arkansas have in common? They can't stop licking their paws.
What were the founding father's favorite cereals? Chex and Balance
the best thing about being in a relationship is you can get crippling emotional abuse any time you want
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? Both have balls that are just for decoration
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints
My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making. Just so I've got something to fall back on.
Charlie Sheen hates..... Parisians even more than the IS does.
Why did Cain kill his brother? Because he was Abel to.
SJWs are the hardest people in the world to offend as long as you don't exist.
If I could go back to my childhood with the knowledge I have today, I'd probably earn the nickname 'little pervert'.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? "Halloumi"
Two Muslim vampires are discussing the weather... Vampire 1: It's really Sunni outside. Vampire 2: Shiite! Courtesy of my 8-year-old.
My electronegativity class in college was such a blow off class! I got an F on all my exams for the class, but I still managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA.
Did you hear the story about the razorback hog? It's pretty dull.
Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you're not jogging fast enough
I started professionally playing the rubber band as an instrument... ...I consider myself a one-man band.
I recently started dating a woman in a wheelchair, and I stood her up. Not surprisingly that's when she fell for me...and you know what, it became a bit of a drag...but now we're on a roll.
How do you call blue cow? Freak..
What do you call it when a dinosaur can't get it up? ereptile dysfunction
Leading causes of cancer: 1. Smoking 2. Aging 3. Radiation 4. Diet 5. WebMD
My dad can beat up your mom. If she's anything like my mom.
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
At the pharmacist A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms. The druggist asked " Would you like a paper bag?" The guy shakes his head and says "Nah, she ain't that ugly."
Why its called 'having your period' and not 'rolling out the red carpet ' I'll never know.
Where do hipsters swim? Not in the mainstream
Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath Her: Ah I can't wait to take it *hands her paper* Me: I used your eyeliner pencil
Disney couldn't handle my awesome script. Kylo Ren was Rey's father. Finn was her brother. Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Why did the vibrator go to the bar? To catch a buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Today I watched a documentary about crustaceans and I saw a crab take another crab's food... ...crabs can be so shellfish right?
What are the two fastest things in the world? The second fastest is your asshole snapping shut. The first fastest is that little drop of water...
Why can't we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."
On a scale from 1-10, how much do I love symmetry? 5
Did you hear about the man who hid in the refrigerator? He thought he would be cool.
What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew? Boy Scouts come back from camp.
I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.
It's like an orgasm in your mouth Someone gave me a dessert and said "Try this, it tastes like an orgasm in your mouth." I replied: "You know what tastes like an orgasm in my mouth? Fifty bucks."
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Last night my wife said to me, "What would you do without me?" Apparently, "Your sister" was the wrong answer.
Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
So what going on with dead baby jokes? I think there dying off.
A good way to help you determine who to weed out of your life is probably by how someone pronounces "coyote".
*man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry* *policeman informs family* "There's no easy way to say this"...
I ran over my wife yesterday I was devastated, but she was crushed
A logician had a baby... When her parents asked if it was a boy or girl she replied,"Yes." Edit: changed logistician to logician.
I just had the worst blowjob ever it was fantastic
When waiting for HIV test results, the main thing is to stay positive. Shamelessly based on a joke by /u/PS_FuckYouJenny
My wife doesn't have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I'm not allowed to run away with
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a uni cycle? Attire
A guy runs to your door and pleads, "Someone's trying to kill me! Can I come in?" How should you respond? "I don't know. CAN you?"
How do you tell a domesticated cat from a wild one? The domesticated doesnt have balls
So, It's not ok to write "always best to have a spare incase you break the first one" on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy
A thief stole my gate the other day, but I didn't report him I was afraid he might take a fence
Ironman is my favorite story about how sleep deprivation can make you a sarcastic, neurotic superhero without being a parent.
I'm convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights. However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts
When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'
I treat my women like I treat my cereal Spoon first to get it wet, then eat it. P.S. I love fat chicks.
I heard jesus was a pretty gay guy cause he got nailed by soldiers
Just had an interview with a girl with a lazy eye. So I just had an interview with a girl with a lazy eye....didn't know what eye to look at.....so I just stared at her tits.
Just accidentally used "then" instead of "than" and now I know what it feels like to be imperfect! Weird!
What's small, purple and dangerous? A grape with a gun
I inform my 4 year old that she's going to a friend's house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we're going 6000 times.
Today should be called bridge day.. 'Cause I'm over it
What do you call a group of environmentalists in jail? 'Collared Greens'
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you're reading this, I still hate your guts.
What's another term for anal bleaching? Changing your ring tone.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it's doubtful you'd advise me to be "on it".
Women are always complaining about wanting a boyfriend... And when I offer they act all repulsed and tell me to get out of their house before they call the cops for breaking in, women am I right?
Did you hear about the girl with twelve nipples? Sounds strange, dozen tit?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what they're laced with but I've been tripping all day...
How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowplow? Give her a shovel
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind doing a 5k but my running group wants to do a 10k and i really don't like them :-D
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men. Peter: *harpoons a guy* Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.
looks vs personality Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality.
There's a brand new cemetery in town Everybody is dying to get in
What do you call a boring dog? A dull-mation!
What do you call a homeless college student? A philosophy major
What does eatin' pussy and the mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit!
Why do Italian men have mustaches? They want to look like their mothers.
I've decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It's pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I'm angry.
Why did the gay guy fail his test? He couldn't think straight.
Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for "Pooh."
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her? Her miscarriage
Japan got Imperialist Cancer... But thank God it was an easy cure, all it took was two sessions of radiotherapy.
What do you call a country run by a bunch of stubborn old deer? A stagnation
Why do gay guys dress so well? They spent a lot of time in the closet.
Who invented the equation? A X-pert
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year
There's a special place in Hell for those women who say "Awwww" after everything they hear.
What is Donald Trump's favorite city to visit. Islamabad
Melissa McCarthy has been diagnosed with an aggressive flesh eating virus They've given her only 14 years to live, if untreated.
Why are storms always called girls names? Because when they come they are always wet and uncontrollable, and when they disappear they take or destroy all your stuff
What do you call your ex-girlfriend from Baltimore? Old Bae
They say religion is the opiate of the masses Makes sense, because when I go to church I nod off... (This is actually a joke I made up. Thought I'd share)
What do you call someone who sews extremely fast? Taylor Swift...
The Presidential Election for 2016 is like a blunt pencil. Pointless.
Did you hear the CEO of Twitter got in trouble for buying shares of rival companies? I guess it was a conflict of Pinterest.
EARTH: Let's just be friends MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that? Hiker: THAT'S A BABY. YB: And I'm a talking bear. Hiker: YB: Hiker: YB: So where are we on that baby?
What does the parrot thinks as he looks at the newspaper in the bottom of his cage? "Same old shit"
I was once stoned in Memphis And I entered this weird contest where you had to walk on famous Jessicas. I was walking with my feet 10 ft off a Beal.
Why does Tom Cruise like Scientology? It's given him a great cult following
One man went to Reddit assuming it as a hotel One man went to reddit assuming it as a hotel and asked: what to eat ? Admin Replayed: Subreddit and guidelines Man: Give me one plate each HA Ha Ha
What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back I don't know how big this thing gets!
obama follow me on twitter
Why can Unicorns only be ridden by a adult female virgin? They're both imaginary
Did you know that Kraft is building a factory in Jerusalem? They're calling the operation Cheesus of Nazareth...
Ladies, stop relying on Cosmo. It's written by women who don't know siht about men.
What does Charlie Sheen call his penis? The HIV shiv.
Why did the condom cross the road? It was pissed off. :3
In the spirit of halloween.... why did the witch divorce her husband ? Because he had a hollow weiner
What do Mexican people call really upbeat TV shows? CCTV
Why don't birds have to wear camouflage? Joke: Why don't birds have to wear camouflage? Punch: Because they are already "in the skies". Thank you, I'll see myself out.
There are only 10 type of people in this world... Those who understand binary and those who don't.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
A deckhand comes up to the pirate captain. "The cannons be ready, Captain," he reports. *"Are,"* the captain scornfully replies.
My stepdad hates it when I call him Bernie... He's really sensitive a about his scars...
You auto complete me.
Some fantastically good advice about proper care of your butthole. That's right. Your butthole. [PIC]
A Boy Fuked His Girls Friend Suddenly he understands It's her boy friend..actually Girl Friend Come To His dream......
I'm not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I'm just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion...
Elitist Perfumers no common scents
There are more Jews than Native Americans... I guess genocide is just one more thing Americans are better at than Germans
Because I'm such a Portal 2 fan, I created my own levels. Sadly, none of the "volunteers" have made it out alive and their families are starting to ask questions.
Gf: why have you been googling 'can you milk a hamster' Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
i signed up for the cheapest life insurance i could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when i die
How do rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump Kin
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. And then it dawned on me.
Most long freeway drives are spent thinking, "Who the hell would live here?"
I told an overweight joke the other day A woman came up to me afterwards and said "You're fattist" I looked her and said "actually....
What is the etymology of the word "politics"? *Poli*, from the Greek *polloi*, meaning "Many". And *Ticks*, from English, meaning "little bloodsucking creatures."
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Don't get me started
What do you call a paedophile pirate? Aaarrrrrrr Kelly!!
(nsfw) How do you know the female bartender is mad at you? There's a string in your bloody Mary
Wanna hear a joke?? This subreddit.
Racist: What sign appears on abortion clinics in black communities? "Crime Prevention Center"
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's called a stud... But when a girl does the same she's called a lesbian.
Did you know pillows have their own website? Really? Well you could knock me down with a feather!
At this point, I'm positive I've read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates. *crosses off bucket list*
What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder? I've heard of it but don't know what it means?
What do you call a bunch of happy Seahawks fans after the Super Bowl? Haitians
Have you heard that duct tape can be used as an aphrodisiac? It turns "NO! NO! NO!" into "MMM! MMM! MMM!"
The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.
What do you call a baby Muslim? A hand grenade.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
You might spend a night in jail for it, but raising a cop's breathalyzer and saying "Cheers!" before blowing is both bold and beautiful.
what do you call an unqualified baffoon with an incoherent agenda? 2016 republican nominee Donald Trump
What's the diffrence between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you call someone who discriminates against certain groups of rappers? A rapist.
What's the best thing about an Ethiopian? They'll always swallow
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I got in line behind an old classmate of mine while vacationing at Disney World... I said "Wow, it's a small world!" She said, "actually this is Pirates of the Caribbean."
I've grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah they were Bill Clinton.
My ass is one of the great wonders of the world if you're wondering when it's getting off this couch.
What happened when the monster stole a  bottle of perfume? He was convicted of fragrancy.
Saw a licence plate today that said "LUVSHOES" Couldn't decide if they love fashionable footware or easy women..
Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
So, how do you make your truck look like Lance Armstrong? hang one tennis ball from the tailgate!!
On my way to the mall yesterday I passed the Big &amp; Tall Men's clothing store. Outside the store a troop of Girl Scouts were selling cookies. I guess it really is location, location, location...
How does Australians have sex? They mate
What is the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches
My uncle Aaron is the black sheep of our family. Because he's black. His skin is black. He's a black man.
In Pakistan, what's the difference between an elementary school and a terrorist training camp? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight *checks phone* Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!" *judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
If u wear headphones Upside down...... will the sound be upside down too? HA!
opinion=ass Opinion is like anal orifice. Everyone has it.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
A well timed "Have a good day!" can be a great substitute for "Fuck you!" in almost every situation.
What do you call a comatose Pope? esteemed vegetable.
Why was the horseman fired from his job of  saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!
Don't you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss. Worst police interrogation ever.
I have only ever completed 2 successful high-fives.
Why did Ted Bundy dropout of an Italian cooking class? There were not enough Italians to eat.
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?  There was money in the kitty.
What do you call siblings that play soccer? Umbros
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Killers normally target Family and friends Good thing I don't have any friends.
A crazed fan attacked Miley Cyrus at a recent concert. Damn, I would have LOVED to have seen the look on her gums.
What did Helen Keller do when she was drowning? She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.
What's better than getting silver at the special olympics? Not being retarded.
What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb
What is a physicist's favourite food? Fission chips.
Why should you never go drinking if you wear a monocle? Because then you'd be a barnacle.
Why aren't there any homosexual scholars? Because they can't think straight.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Crazy lady next to me forgot to take her meds, flipping out and shit. I hate seeing this. Just going to walk away from my mirror now.
ME: Hi I'd like to apply for a job as a contortionist "When can you come in for an interview?" ME: I'm flexible
Why is Kim Jong Un a terrible leader? [removed]
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called "Turn Brown For What."
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Why is oxygen like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
An Atheist, a Vegan, and a Jehovah's Witness walk into a bar.. I know because they told everyone in less than a minute.
Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation? Handmade things are costlier.
i read everything in comic sans sans. this way it's funny.
Have you guys heard about Reese Witherspoon? I Hershey is in a new movie.
My best friend was brutally murdered last week Its only now that I can look back and laugh. - Norm Macdonald
What is long, green, and has "cum" in it? A cucumber! Totally a cucumber...
The new sponge in the sink just brightened my day a little. Being an adult is stupid.
Why does the news keep telling people the pilot was depressed? Does any of this really matter...
Isis Isis Babe.
A poster with a mugshot saying "Have you seen this man" So I rang up and said No. You have to do your bit for society .
What did the Baskin-Robbins manager say to the employee that wanted to date a co-worker? Don't poop where you scoop.
Don't worry Jennifer Lawrence... Every icloud has a silver linings.
Gay jokes aren't funny! I mean...Come on guys!
FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program ME: I'll do it FBI: Your wife and kids too ME: Oh ok never mind
Do you know what a will is? C'mon! It's a dead giveaway.
I was going to write my argument essay on why Donald Trump is Adolf Hitler... But my professor said my thesis couldn't be a fact.
What's it called when you get a boner at a funeral? (NSFW) Mourning wood.
Did you hear about the man who tried to freeze himself at 0 Kelvin? He's 0K now
How often do scientists check the element table? Periodically...
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers
Roses are red violets are blue... Sugar is sweet and so are you... The roses have wilted the violets are dead Sugar is lumpy and so is your head.
Going to watch a movie in theater Me: This movie is pirated Friend: How? Me: This movie has got 3.14 rating
I feel like a 100 bucks. Yeah, that bad.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with a leek? A bunion.
I can't wait for the next Quantum Physicist triathlon. I'm going to stand beside the bikes and yell out their speeds. They'll get so lost they'll end back at the starting line.
I'll bet you $46,368.86 you can't guess how much I owe my Bookie.
Two elderly couple who have Alzheimers just finished having sex Male : Was it good? Female : I can't remember Male : Who are you? Sorry for the formatting sent this via my phone
We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
What is it called when a spanish man has 10 testicles? Diez nuts!
What did Mick Jones say when he offended the Arabs sorry I'm a foreigner
What's a bodybuilder's favourite movie streaming service? Net*flex*
You look like something I'd draw with my left hand
How are Clinton scandals like Pokemon? You'll never catch 'em all!
Ebola has mutated! reports are coming in that the Ebola virus has mutated and become exponentially worse, in light of this mutation the virus will be renamed the Hyperbola Virus
What's the difference between a dry, moldy cranberry and an angry blue bird? One's a crazy heron, the other's a hairy Craisin. ^^^^^Credit ^^^^^to ^^^^^my ^^^^^wife.
What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian bale.
Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team? Because everyone who could jump, run, and swim have already crossed the border.
Narcolepsy is the sluttiest neurological disorder.
My friends started a new bar band... Drums, guitars, keyboard and bass guitar. They call themselves 999 Megabytes cuz they don't have a Gig yet.
In the latest federal North Korean election, Kim Jung Un won 100% of the vote. A landslide victory against his sole competitor: "*Or else*".
Feeding some weed to the turkey so it will already be baked when we kill it... Will save sooo much time !
How are parsley and pubic hair similar? You push them both aside and start eating.
If you get cold, just stand in a corner for a little bit. They're usually 90 degrees.
I had a frozen apple for lunch today It was hardcore
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader.
The Problem With Scooby-Doo Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you Not all this "how the hell did you get in my house" and "I'm calling the cops" business
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don't know if that's 100 pounds or a billion.
Understanding women
What do calculators do when they love each other? They multiply!
Netflix is making a documentary on the upcoming presidential inauguration. They're calling it "Orange is the New Black".
Former boy scout leader goes shopping A former boy scout leader goes shopping. He sits down and grabs his beef jerky. "Tastes like boy scouts," he says.
what idiot named them horses and not zerocorns
"I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You're wonderful but get away from me" -My love letter to carbs
So there are these two hats on a rack... One of them says to the other, "You go on a head, I'm just gonna hang here"
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at Capri Sun.
I recently went to my doctor for a physical... Doctor: "Everything looks fine but you need to stop masturbating". Me: "Why?" Doctor: "Because I'm trying to give you a physical".
We've got an aviary at home, Sadly one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark
Oregon Trail 2016: Jayden has a gluten allergy. You can't even ford the river rn. Purchase one woke of oxen? Madison is literally dead
Today's rappers are lame they're unable to walk normally because of an injury or illness affecting the leg or foot.
"FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn
I remember when my mother would tuck me in She really wanted a daughter (taken from a front page meme)
Why do you never hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet? Because the p is silent
Why is the bicycle unable to stay up? Because it is two-tired!!!!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
How do Chinese people name their babies? Throw them down the stairs and see what sound they make.
I have a severe allergy to alcohol Whenever I drink it I breakout in handcuffs.
what do you call a jewish pokemon trainer Ash
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again
What do you call the urinal section of the bathroom? The place where all the dicks hang out.
"You actually have friends?" "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"
Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody  believes? The weatherman.
When is the NFL going to start drafting players with mental handicaps? Have you ever seen a video of them getting the ball and not scoring a touchdown?
How does Steve Irwin open a lock made of tears? With a "Cry-key!"
I am known at the gym as the "before picture."
Why the Japanese kill fish? because Chinese eat fish and Koreans selfish
I found my girlfriend's mute button! It's located on her jugular. Only catch is that I had to use a knife to reach it.
Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy? They wanted to give credit where credit was due.
Whats the most insensitive spot on a man's penis? The man I really need a counter joke for that one
There are 2 important rules in business. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Baltimore CVS Looters They really cleaned the place out. The only things they left behind are sunscreen and Father's Day cards.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? One .... or two?
No matter how tired one is, put a computer in front of them and they can stay awake.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. Their lack of faith due to God forsaking mankind has driven them to alcoholism.
Why is a fish easy to weigh ? Because it has its own scales !
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I'm all like, "No." [rises from chair] NO.
They said I'd miss my family I never miss at close range.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
My mate got run over this morning by a limousine, it took fucking ages...
How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
I'm a lot like Jesus because I like wine and I tell people what to do.
Why do rednecks hate math? Integration.
Don't be racist Instead, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
Why did Billy not care who he offended while posting on the internet? Because the ends justify the memes
I was talking to a radical feminist the other day. Haha no, could you imagine?
A nice one (maybe repost) I don't smoke, I don't drink, I never swear and - Oh shit my cigaette fell into my beer!
I don't care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I bet Dame Judi Dench has a pretty nice apartment. #cribs
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn't know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one... He's never gonna give you Up
Why DOES "February" have that extra R? It should just be "Februay."
When is a door not a door When it's ajar
A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible." The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.
You hear the one about the gay judges? Yeah, they tried each other.
What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend? I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.
What is the difference between sex and fear? Zwei.
They used to be called "Jumpolines" Till your mother had a go.
A Physics Joke Atoms are very hard to entertain. Only if you approach them with exactly the right energy they get excited.
My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men." Dad, you're using Uber.
A mexican is on your front lawn bleeding out and calling for help. what do you do? Reload.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic
I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I like my women like I like my rum... Aged 12 years and mixed up in coke.
What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets? The kind that's always shooting his mouth off.
Did you hear about the TV show with FBI agents and witches? It's called The Hex-Files.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night's love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I met a woman with one leg today. Her name was Eileen.
When I see a car accident I pull over quickly to assist the drivers with getting rid of any drugs they may have in the car.
What does Johnny Depp yell when a tree falls in the forest? Timbuuuuuurrrrrrrrton~!
What do you call alcohol in a bird bath? Tequila mockingbird
Why was Beethoven making a lot of money? His property was Fur Elise
I'm dying to get one of those babies that smoke. Too cute!
I just turned 50 today and it's official , my balls are longer than my pecker.
2 plants are hanging out One says to the other, " you hungry?" To which the other replies, "yes, I could go for a light snack."
Checking my phone one more time before I go to sleep because apparently 533 times wasn't enough today.
So, I hear Batman didn't turn up to the Christening .. Christian Bale.
My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
A chick with twelve boobs... Sounds crazy, dozentit?
What do you call a train that eats too much? A chew-chew train.
Why did the farmer's house catch on fire? He left his home on the range.
I am feeling very optimistic, but I bet it won't last.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1. My girlfriend thinks I'm going fucking mental though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard for severalhours at a time.
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.
Why do jewish men get circumcised? Because a jewish woman wouldn't touch anything unless it's 20% off.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I'M DRUNK NOT DEAF
what did the priest say before he ate his salad? lettuce pray
What do you call a Mexican fighter pilot? Air Force Juan.
Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail? To the retail store!
I'm on the bus now. Either the woman sitting right next to me has two really ugly children, or two seriously cool Pokemons.
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
The town council of Blarney, Ireland held a contest for a new tourism slogan... The winner was "Pog mo Stone."
A short facts list 1) 50% of facts are made up 2) I made up the first fact
I asked my doctor how bad my breath is. "You see that broccoli over there?" he pointed. "Yes..." I replied. "That was a cauliflower before you started talking."
I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday Unfortunately they made me give it back today
Trump's pussy grabbing days are behind him... But now he has his finger on a different red button.
I have no job, no car, and I live with my parents. Making a Tinder profile as a teenager is difficult.
My dad just told me I should "stop wasting my life and do something meaningful" Dad jokes, am I right?
So Yellow and Green are dating. Why does Yellow hate Red? Because Red Blue Green.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they're going to be talking.
So when is this old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.
I used to think it was cool to be into guys 10+ years my senior but turns out all they want to do is talk about tv shows I never watched
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Why does it smell of tires? There are two black people fighting.
If you masturbate on an plane, is it "hi-jacking"?
So I've had the runs for almost 4 days now... I told my dad and he looked me dead in the eyes and said. "Son, it will pass".
How do you insult a Catholic? Any way you like, they have to forgive you!
I hear Chikfila is becoming more PC... They now have transtender bathrooms.
What's the difference between a big penis and a small penis? Nothing until the jobs done.
For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.
Where does Jon Bon Jovi reside? --- HE'S LIVING ON A PRAIRIE
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible." Anyhoo, we're divorced now.
The 1670s called. Not sure how.
After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.
if you are riding a jet ski in the desert and you pop a tire, how many pancakes does it take to bury the dog? purple, because the ice cream is boneless.
Since women are always looking for ways to accentuate their boobs... I'm creating a new line of shirts with attached seat belts.
You ate some space food? Why on earth would you do that?
Q: What did the dumb blonde say when told that  "Scheherezade" was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ? A: "Why'd his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names ?!!?"
What are some of the best comments on threads? [deleted]
Why do some birds fly south for the winter? Its to far to walk.
I don't like vegetables, so somebody told me to get a juicer. It didn't help. That thing tasted worse than the vegetables.
Did you know that the word "gullible" cannot even be found in the dictionary? The truth hurts doesn't it?
I read recently that Iron Man is actually a woman. I mean it makes sense, he is clearly a Fe Male.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I woke up with a raging hard on.... I called my wife over and told her to fix my clock. She said "that doesn't look like a clock." I responded, "if you put a face and 2 hands on it it does."
My girlfriend started bleeding during sex, and I told her to suck it up. In a few years, she'll bleed every month.
Have you ever had ethiopian food? Neither have they.
BANISTER A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. She answers, "Warming up your dinner."
If we elect Donald Trump for president... There will be hell toupee
How deep is the average vagina Deep enough for a man to lose his house, car, his dog and half his assets
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
I wish I had firearms. Or maybe one firearm and one regular arm.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
What do you call a hooker who specializes in anal sex? A backhoe.
So, to re-cap... ...I put the top back on my pen.
If you ever feel uncomfortable in your body, just remember that Pornhub wouldn't keep their fat girl category if guys didn't like it and it wasn't making them money.
The most sexist joke you've ever heard. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; give a man a vagina and you feed her for a lifetime.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&amp;M factory? Because she kept throwing out all the Ws.
What do you call a fist fight at noon? A lunchbox
Subway is releasing a new Jared inspired sandwich to promote healthy eating in the jail! It's called the Hot Dick Sandwich and only comes in 9 inches.
directions on frozen food need to be more confident. They're like, '11 minutes at 450... but all ovens are different... I'm so stupid.'
I got fired from my bingo calling job today. Apparently 'a meal for two with a terrible view' is not an appropriate way to call 69.
Psychologist: Let's play a word association game. I'll say a word, you say what springs to mind Rainbows Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
What did the clothes designer say to her son at his graduation? "I'm Prada you son."
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there's another reason I don't run.
50 blondes Q:What do you call fifty blondes lined up ear-to-ear? A: A wind tunnel. #ThugLyfe
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the Cock was on the other side!
[A field] *An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun* Me: It's time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers! 
A man was at his dentist when the dentist said "This is going to hurt a little" Man: "That's ok" Dentist: "I've been fucking your bitch since last summer"
My girlfriend said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with poker. I think she's bluffing.
Cat doesn't realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My cell only calls gay people I think it's a homophone
Don't let your dreams be dreams! -Plato, in discussion on , the Greek goddess of victory
I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey... until I turned myself around!
In ten years we'll replace man on the evolutionary chart with all the different sized iPods.
Want to hear a joke? Women's sports
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over. BLANKET: You were cold?
A joke my nephew told me How do ghost listen to music? With a bootooth
Someone really has to have a serious talk with birds about their pooping habits Do they really think we're gonna let that shit fly?
What do you call a pansexual guy named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan nick at the disc co.
I was the atm today and an old women asked for my help checking her balance So i pushed her over.
Why do i need to take English class in school hell George Bush became president, and he only knew 50 word. The last one being "shoe"
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven't gotten laid since. Well played, God.
If the salesman doesn't come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I do laundry so infrequently that anything not filthy feels fancy. "Woah two clean socks? What is this, prom night!?"
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
Why were the 2 in love melons upset? Because they cantaloupe. (The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)
How do you annoy a computer person with a problem? Never mind, I figured it out.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents
Me and the wife 88'ed last night. It's like 69'ing, but for fat people.
I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie and he said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."
Beeped my horn at this cute guy who walked by. He shot me a dirty look. He's playing hard to get, but I've started planning the wedding!
Did you know that the Supreme Court is just a regular court with sour cream?
Mechanic: what seems to be the problem? Me: nice try buddy, that's what I'm paying you for
What is Hitler's least favorite letter? C, in fact he lead an entire group called the "Not C's"
What do you call it when someone eats too much wheat? Glutteny.
What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One is fun to smash, the other is delicious.
Christmas with the family While I greatly enjoy the presence of their company, I prefer the company of their presents.
If you've ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.
Where should you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky? A full set of teeth.
My dad was an illiterate pirate Tragically, he was lost at C.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your 'child'.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I tweet because it's fun and I like the validation, but also because one day it'll prove to a jury how crazy I am.
I'm not saying it's hard for me to lose weight, I'm just saying if you interrupt me when I'm eating I'm starting over.
What do you call 2 algebraists who marry? Prime mates
Why did Hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill
What did the scientist say at the bar? I'd like some H20 please.
What do Mountain folk do on Halloween? Pumpkin.
I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
What's the difference between a hotdog and a dead baby? You don't ejaculate on a hotdog before you eat it.
My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.
A woman made a book about gardening.. Her name was *Theresa Green*.
What's the hardest number to say? ... 70 because after 69 your mouth's full.
What does a Muslim pirate say? Allahu Ackbarrrrr!
Incontinence Hotline Could you hold, please?
How to sound Irish on St. Patrick's day Whale Oil Beef Hooked Now say it very fast
I feel sorry for people who's middle names start with V... Their first and last names are always fighting.
A fat girl just served me at McDonald's earlier. She said, "Sorry about the wait"... I said, "Don't worry hun, you'll lose  that eventually."
Is there a hole in your shoe? No?! Then how'd you get your foot in it?!
Did you hear about the idiot who  planted Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.
"How can it be global warming," pondered @realDonaldTrump, "if it's cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard."
What do you call a pod of musical whales? An *orca*stra!
Is it gay in here or is it just Glee?
Seven has the word 'even' in it... ...which is odd.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Why was purple jealous? Because red blue green.
Why could the brony butterfly just barely not fly? He was a Fluttershy Posted it because My Little Pony jokes that don't insult bronies are a Rarity.
My own Mother called me a 'Son of a Bitch'. Then she told me I was adopted :(
5: "Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants." Me: ... 5: ... Me: "It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Job's all yours."
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why... I think it's because he was caught with a bag of cocaine. But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it.
Mosquitoes... God's way of making us slap ourselves!!
My name is Holly. What's my drunk superhero name? AlcoHolly.
Having some romantic time with yo girl when she asks you to go deeper But you run out of poems.
I simply love my anti gravity machine.... It never lets me down.
"Excuse me, do you validate parking?" I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller ? A computer with a lot of bites !
I already regret my choice of Julliard to win the NCAA.
can we have one night where you don't act like spiderman "ok" [hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife's purse] "don't look at me"
Why can't women enjoy porn as much as men? They can tell when the girls are faking it. (This joke best after a few drinks)
What pizza topping to Koreans enjoy the most? Pupperoni
One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years... ...Then I turned 12.
They can only rescue about one miner per hour, while all the others wait? Who put the DMV in charge of this?
Sometimes I think I have ADD, if I try to...... Turtle.
What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.
Why can't the T-Rex play the piano? Cause they're dead!
Hillary Clinton... [DELETED]
So what do you do for a living? Im in organ trafficking. Fu** ! Dont you have a heart? Was that a critic or an order?
In a philosophy class... Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer. One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.
What did Darth Vader do when his iTunes stopped responding? He force quit.
I swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says I'm OK But I feel like I've dyed a little inside
Why does Nessie never come out of the water? People keep on calling it's photoshoots fake and gay.
That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.
I hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for. Nothing to die for.
I have the body of an 20 year old... ...but it's starting to stink up my basement so I'm thinking I'm gonna burn it.
What is Carrie Fisher's favorite snack? Frito Leah's
Have you ever tried eating a clock? I heard it might be time consuming.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!
a feminist walks into a bar Long story short, she got raped.
Created by Jews, saves humanity. Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
What's the difference between weed and pussy? If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.
Damn girl, are you a door? Because I want to slam you!
This thread is literally cancer But just like cancer, it grows on you
What's speed of sex? 68 because at 69 she needs to turn around.
Did you hear about the pornstar who had a heart attack whilst filming? He had it coming.
Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs.
My mom asks if I could help her bake bread this Christmas. She kneads me.
what do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
Not everyone can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut... But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.
Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?" Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."
I hate when people read over my shoulder while I'm texting. 2 car lengths please Mr. Policeman.
A patient asked the dentist if it wasn't nasty to be all the day with the hands in someone's mouth. The dentist answered "I just think of it as having my hands in their  wallet."
Hawaiians were never known to be cannibals. Maybe a nibble here and there... You know, finger food.
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler.
If I were a bird, you'd be the first person I'd shit on.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off. Headline in the local newspaper next day read, "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts".
Your car won't start? Have you tried getting out of it and then getting back into it again? That usually works for my computer.
Kim Kardashian was robbed of her jewellry in Paris. The robbers had a tip off that she had lots of booty.
If you were anti-pencil Would you be erasist?
Just Googled camel toe, and it said, did you mean Travolta Chin?
You know you've been coding for too long when... System.express(feelings.tired);
Calling a girl "honey" is ok. Calling a girl "bee vomit" is not ok. I'm a relationship expert.
"I'M A DOG!" "I'M A DOG TOO!" "WE'RE DOGS!" - dogs
Recently HP fucked up on my order of a Laserjet they've sent me a fucking printer instead!
Oral makes your whole day... But anal makes your hole weak!
The oral sex with my imaginary girlfriend is mind-blowing.
Did you hear about that guy going around stealing everybody's Flamin' Hot Cheetos? He was caught red-handed! ...I'll see myself to the door.
Jesus after the Last Supper goes through the bills. "Guys, seriously, what the fuck, who ordered wine?"
Men can't have multiple orgasms so having sex several times is hard Then soft, then hard, then soft
Are Facebook quizzes still around? Just now starting to wonder which Spice Girl I am.
Don't trust anybody who owns a working printer.
What does a Mexican do when their cake is insulted? Retorta
My wife wanted me to buy something that goes to 200 in one second flat. So I bought her a bathroom scale.
Did you guys hear about that weird snapchat knockoff that only lets you send pictures of sausages? It has the wurst ratings.
What did the father buffalo say when his son went off to college? "Bison."
What do you call Bob the builder after he retires? Bob
One time, I wrote down so many double entendres... ...I had to rub one out.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
What is Donald Trump's favorite nation? Discrimination.
How do You Tell if a Woman is a Feminist If the boring clothes, weight problem, lack of makeup or angry demeanour doesn't give it away, she'll tell you within 2 minutes.
It must have been pretty easy for The Beatles to say "All You Need is Love" since they were fucking millionaires.
My phone just autocorrected mornin to Mormon and now it won't stop making macaroni pictures and having sex with multiple phone wives.
What's the difference between squash and zucchini? You can't zucchini bugs! A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.
[Inspecting car] *kicks tire* "Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick."
Look Mr. Tech Support Dude, you asked if I had any more questions. Sorry if "What are you wearing?" wasn't what you had in mind.
Q. How are men like television commercials? A. You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both  last about 30 seconds.
What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait ? His portrait only need one nail
Don't be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
What do you call a 3 legged cow named Summer in the winter? Summer...Her name's summer.
Why couldn't the NSA do anything after the blizzard? Because they were Snowden.
Q: What's that thing called when you're only attracted to married men and gay men?A: Oh. Single. It's called single.
Q: What do you call a dead magician's assistant? A: An abracadaver.
Why do black men have nightmares? We killed the only one who had a dream.
Some pigs are born with two vaginas. It's true, ask your mom.
I witnessed a kidnapping on the bus today... But don't worry, he woke up before his stop.
If you're forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you've got another Thing coming.
What did the fruit say to the vegetable, at dinner? Lettuce Pray
Life without women Would be a pain in the ass
Why was the pencil in the toilet? It was a No. 2.
Can America keep it down? Canada needs to work on Monday.
how do you make 7 even? remove the "s"
*releases swarm of killer wasps* - ATTACK! *wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions* - Hmm... time for plan bee
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife won't let him use socks anymore.
I can point out chicks who say "vokka" and "liberry" instead of "vodka" and "library" based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
A man walks into a zoo... But there is only a dog. It's a shih tzu.
Why did Jennifer cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints
How does a poor man watch TV? with binoculars. u know, he has to watch whatever the neighbours are watching.
What sort of cereal does Thor eat? Loki Charms.
I won't visit /r/aww Its nothing but kitty porn
How many disappointments can you fit into a van? I don't know, I can't get them outside of the house.
I don't understand why subway has to train their employees. We do that for them everytime we order & tell them EXACTLY how to make a sub.
"I'm not a violent person but people can change", I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Do you like fish sticks?
Britain can now say.... ...Its pull out game is strong!
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three? Because the sign says no trespassing!
I once dated a girl with twelve nipples Sounds weird, dozentit?
For me, racism is the same as masturbating. I don't approve of it, but I'm pretty damn good at it. (Credits to Ronald Goedemondt)
There was once a conservative redditor
How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.
What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Exercising Grandmother My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
Did you hear about the wedding between the two antenna? The service was terrible, but the reception was great.
What is literally the most important fact you'll ever learn, that will totally blow your mind? That people exaggerate.
A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light." Edit: Yaaaaay front page of jokes.
I left my job. Couldn't work for my boss after what he said... "You're fired."
What's Boba Fett's least favorite chemical? Toluene
A man asks his wife... Husband: "Honey, how come you never shout my name when you have an orgasm?" Wife: "Because you're never there."
Why are TVs attracted to people? Because people turn them on
What do you call a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks? A seasoned veteran.
The reverse gear on our car stopped working, so my wife and I took it to a garage. Moving forward we should be fine.
What do a Walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal
Joke request: Offensive white guy jokes As a white guy I'm feeling left out. Anybody know any good offensive white guy jokes?
Surprised "too much" still isn't a serving size.
Email inventor dies aged 74 I sent my re:re:re:re:re:gards
Why does jesus not play video games? Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn
How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill? By walking... jk rolling
Two gay men were having a few drinks One said "Bottoms up!" The other got topsy.
What's the difference between rock and jazz? Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.
A man walks into a bar And he orders 4 shots. Man: Have you heard the Joke that all insolvents know? Bartender: (amused) No. Man: Good. Then you can pay for my drinks.
I needed to go to the toilet but we were out of toilet roll So I pissed in the sink
What's a Mexican's dick when it's cold out? A little chili.
Goodbye, Class! Hello, Trump.
Pretty cool how money could literally solve all my problems.
I'm dreaming of getting rich like my father. Wow your dad must be a rich man. No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
A skeleton walks into a bar Tells the bartender, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
What does a ship say when it is cold? Shiver me timbers!
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Customer: "Nah...she's purdy good lookin'..."
You know what the worst part about being tall and funny is? My jokes go right over most people's head.
Fellas, here's a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo... ...for obvious reasons.
My therapist told me the way to achieve  true inner peace is to finish what I start.  So far today I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.  I feel better already.
How do Etheopians celebrate their first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave
My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it. His wife knows everything.
Life is like a cup of coffe. Dark and bitter.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary... It means 75% are running around untreated.
Cilla Black has died... Surprise Surprise.
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
Why can't Emma Watson ever play Hermione Granger again? 'Cos once you go black, you never go back.
Is there a stripper named "Eggs Over Easy" yet?
[boys at work talking sports] Them: what's your favorite sport Me: yeah
1. Find homeless man. 2. Bathe him. 3. Wash & patch up his clothes. 4. Give him a record player. 5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, this is Awesome!"
So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight... when do I get my adult supervision?
Yo mamma's so fat... that she takes selfies in panorama mode
The secret to a long life Avoid death
My facial hair is Italian and native American It's Apache
[During surgery] DR DOG: Suction please. NURSE: But there's no bleeding. DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
It sucks to be a dick.. A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
[at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: "what d'you call a fly with no wings" dave: "keith dont" me: "a WALK!" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she's too busy judging the hot chick.
I stepped on a corn flake Now I'm a cereal killer.
Do you guys ever bite your tongue by accident? Do you guys ever hit a homeless man then just keep driving?
why is everyone posting about 9/11? It's still 2 months away.
Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.
So there's a child and a gorilla... ...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black. (Just an old one I knew, not sure how common..)
Rich guy does it: 50 Shades of Grey. Poor guy does it: Cops.
What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB? They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.
What's worse than finding Astroglide on your Mom's shopping list? Finding an empty bottle in the trash.
That show the amazing race..... Is that about white people? Zach Galifianakis
Johnny shows his new watch to his girl friend. Johnny: My watch says you are not a virgin Girl: But I'm still a virgin Johnny: My watch is 20 minutes fast
Where do Chinese people live? Chinatown
"We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy... ...but because it is cheesy."
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
I heard Reese's is doing a monkey shaped chocolate bar now.. It's called a Reese's Macaque.
Women are a lot like tennis rallies Occasionally, a back hand is needed to stay in control
What did one mandarin say to the other mandarin? I don't know, I don't speak Mandarin.
At a job interview: Interviewer: What are some of your weaknesses? Applicant: I'm lazy I: that's it? A: I'm lazy to list them all...
I hope death is a woman... That way it will never come for me.
A guy really wants to make it in Hollywood.. So he starts cleaning his room desperately. His mate: "What are you doing man?" Him: " I am dusting off man.."
I told the bartender i wanted a 9/11 Bartender: "whats a 9/11?" me: "a fucked up Manhattan"
So, I measured my penis with one of those digital rulers... ...Anyone know how to convert LOL into inches?
Why will Michael B Jordan make a bad Human Torch? Because it's supposed to be the Fantastic Four, not the Fantastic Fo'!
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick... She's still not talking to me :(
"But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like 'wtf' " Genesis 19:26
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5, one to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.
Wife just texted me that she is craving Thai... I need a reply
Something came in the mail today... My taxes
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
YO' MAMA IS SO FAT... GODZILLA Yo' Mama is so fat, she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.
3 women at a bar Talking about how loose they are. One fits a sausage. One fits a cucumber. The other falls down the bar stool
I hate flossing This morning, I brushed for literally twenty minutes just to put off flossing. My hair has never looked better.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Why is the letter 'c' afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are not c's. *** ^^*ba ^^dum ^^tss*
A wise man once said that ice on the ground is great. He fell
Did you hear the one about Donald Trump and the 7 pissing prostitutes? Because the real joke is CNN's journalistic integrity.
I was really upset when I lost my paper towels I was SO upset that they had gone missing that I had to hire a BOUNTY hunter *ba dum tss*
I wanted to roll a joint but i didn't have any paper. Lucky that i still had my iphone..
What is the most unexpected part of a fast food meal? The element of some fries.
What do you get when you throw a grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blown apart
Did i tell you that someone hit me over the head with a power tool the other day? Minding my own business, then next minute BOSCH.
What do you get when you cross a moose with a Mexican? A Mexican moose
Does England have a fourth of July? Of Course they do, they just don't celebrate it!
when i give my policy number to a customer service automated system, i talk precisely & slowly. this is also how i talk to stoned teens
A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Why did the chicken soup cross the road? Because it was down hill!
How do Polish dogs get bumps on their heads? Chasing parked cars.
I figured out the solution to iceis We just kick them under the fridge.
There are two types of people: Those who extrapolate from incomplete data... ...and those who understand the importance of error bars.
If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I'd spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.
if you added the letters S and E to the X files it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck, no one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
What did the leper say to the hooker? You can keep the tip.
Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods had a better driver.
Do you want to hear a joke about sports cars? Are you sure? It contains spoilers!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
In British Columbia, why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg? Because he wooden like it.
What do you get when you have a great Dane, a Clydesdale, and a Prostitute? A huge dog and pony show
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? -
My plan to disappoint everyone I've ever known is exceeding my expectations.
What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds? A zebra!
The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score.
I bought a book of pick-up lines, but the pages were empty... turns out it was written by Bill Cosby.
Tomorrow you'll be able to stop hating people for their political views and go back to hating them for their personality!
What do they call the Hunger Games in Japan? Batteru Royaru with Chizu
My grandpa says our generation relies too much on technology... I replied "No, YOUR generation relies too much on technology", and unplugged his life support.
You're right, homeless man on the subway...it is a "clip your toenails into your McDonald's cup" kind of morning.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*puts on white shirt* *accidentally spills coffee* *takes off shirt* *shoves shirt into coffee pot* *puts on brown shirt*
I forgot my hard hat when I went to the building site... Health and safety came down on me like a tonne of bricks.
What do you get if you dont finish your meal at a cannibalistic restaurant? A bodybag
I was only young when I learned to count. It was odd at first, even then.
Why do lawyers have so much anal sex? Because they are fucking assholes.
What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper!
What do you call gas from the human body that NASA could impliment into fuel for their technology in the future? Rocket Farts.
One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O'Donnell.
Duck autocorrect i mean 'duck' Duck!!! Luck!!!
I've just started a band. We're called 1023MB. We haven't got a gig yet.
Why do skeletons not go to the disco? Because they got no body to dance with!
What did the customer say to the pet shop  assistant after buying a bunny? Rabbit up nicely it's a gift!
Saying "to each his own" is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.
When someone cries, "No one gets me" I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, "I got you"!
Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
A hat and a tie are out running The tie gets tired and says he needs a break. The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."
I painted my computer black, so it would run faster. but the cops choked it to death, and ruled it justified.
I just found out my wife has an identical twin I saw her on Tinder.
Man plus woman Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
When my wife tells me to jump I have only one question... Why aren't you in the kitchen?
Deaf people have no idea why the rest of us think farts are funny.
I farted in my wallet. Now i have gas money
Have you ever wondered why Severus Snape taught Potions and not Herbology? It's because his Lily died.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
What do you call a Mexican mountain climber? Caribeaner
What do you call an alligator trying to start trouble? An instagator!
Where does Hillary Clinton eat at to appeal to Asian voters? Pander Express.
My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I've never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!
Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage. In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.
Call me narrow-minded, but I'll never try bestiality. I'm just not interested in going down that rabbit hole.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? In the fridge where you left it! (No offense, just a joke!)
What's the capital of Wisconsin? W
Soda What do you call a soda that was beat up in a fight? CREAMED SODA
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with 'Kevin E' written on the side.
*flips cap backwards* son, let's keep it real *puts on another cap* the realest *puts on suit made of backwards caps* REALality. word.
Why was the little boy unhappy? Because he had a frog stapled to his face
I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when... ...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."
What do you call an attractive zombie? Drop dead gore-geous!
masquerade I went to a masquerade wearing nothing but roller-skates. I went as a pull toy.
The Donald walked into a bar.. by accident. Turned out to be a gay bar. Everyone came up trumps.
Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
What's the scariest thing about a white man in prison? You know he did it.
If I'm going to be this awake at 2:30 in the morning, I might as well go guard a factory or something.
Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites? Said every dog ever.
Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait? Boss: Today!
Vampires love tea... A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea"!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags? ME: Of course! BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
*feeds a horse 1 pound of weed *rides off into sunset on my high horse
I just got these awesome red shoes but there is an issue with them. They have no soles
My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as "exhibit A"
Marriage joke A little boy says, Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.' Son,' says the dad. That happens everywhere.'
What did the magazine say to the comic book? Boy, do we have issues!
I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
"I can't log in." -grandmas
I, for one, is a pretty weak Scrabble play.
A Roman walks in to a bar... He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please."
I hate it when people come in my house and say hey do you have a bathroom?NO we shit in the sink
What's the difference between a podiatrist and a drummer? The podiatrist bucks up your feet.
That lazy moment when you start reading someone else's status and then realise its too long so you just like it.
What's a bear's preferred weapon of choice? A Grrrrrrrrrrrnade!
My boyfriend told me my stutter is cute I told him to f-f-f-fuck off
*gets laser eye surgery* "Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?" I told you, that's not what *i squint at him real hard but he's right*
What does gasoline taste like? I don't know, I'm in a coma.
Her: I just don't like you, no one does Me: What, why? is it my hair? Her: no Me: MY LOOKS!? Her: no, it's your personality Me: oh thank god
Holy shit. Just realized that my last girlfriend was born the same year I got my first credit card. And I'm not even hot like Larry King.
Why is Hitler a terrible wingman? Because he's dead
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Women are like modern art... They're hard to figure out, and we're not really sure if they even have a purpose.
I was gonna tell a gay joke... Butt fuck it.
Did you hear about that new restaurant on the Moon? The food isn't bad, but it has no atmosphere.
I used to date an electrician but we had to break up... There was just no spark.
When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know... to send a message.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves Free.
At least I now know why the lions leave the plains before the end of summer. Because the Pride goeth before the Fall.
Why did the medium cross the road? To get to The Other Side! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The past, present, and future walk in to a bar... It was pretty tense.
I tried to make this post all about why Finland DOES actually exist... ...but I couldn't Finnish.
Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.
*clicks on hotel tv's Adult Zone* "Oh hell yeah." *it's just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work* "...Oh hell yeah."
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven? Me: Once a coworker said "supposably" 7 times in a meeting & I just let her StP: Get in here
What do you get from a forgetful cow? Milk of amnesia!
deeply analyzing what you meant when you texted "k"
Someone from Cairo unfollowed me today which makes me think he must've really hated my tweets to find a way to get on the web to do it.
A Vegan and her Gluten-Free friend walk into a bar... and we only know that because it's the first thing they tell everyone
What do you call a constipated Benedict Cumberbatch? No Shit Sherlock
Now I'm REALLY glad Monica chose Chandler over Richard.
How did the farmer grow his portfolio? Cornstock
What did the bro say to the bro who couldn't make it to the party because he didn't have a car? Do you even Lyft?
What do Hitler and teenage girls have in common? They both use chemicals to remove the polish.
Did you hear that Shakira and Madonna had a big fight? They're no longer on a first-name basis.
What a man How do you respond to someone who says "fuck you" Answer: You fuck you
A chemist and his friend walk into a bar... The chemist asks the bartender for some H2O. His friend is trying to be cool and says "Hey, I'll have an H20 too". Then the friend dies.
What did the ninja say to the waiter when asked what to drink? The ninja replies with "Wata!"
My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
I want to become famous... so that one day, when people approach me asking "Hey, do I know you from somewhere?" I can reply with "I don't know, do you watch a lot of porn?"
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? Oh shit, some arsehole has got my pen.
What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots!
At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah!
I'm so sad because my friend is moving to Shanghai. More like Shang-bye.
*COPS* cop: there he is! get him! 'you'll never catch me! i'm translucent-man!' *goes translucent* cop: we can still kinda see you
What do pirates have in common with photons? They both travel at c
Can't believe I've just been banned from using Match.com. Apparently "My dick", is an inappropriate answer to the question What do you want most in a woman?".
Why are there so many grammar Nazis on the internet? Because English majors have no jobs.
So I bought some shoes off my drug dealer. And I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I've stopped asking what the meaning of life is. My question now is: "Why do only technologically-challenged people use self-check-outs?".
I don't want to play a band instrument at school because I only get F minor
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman get a genetic test He was surprised by the results.
Hey, you know why goldfish are the only snack that smiles back? because they are baked.
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes ? Sir Francis Brake !
Why should you never use r/television 's fridge to store mutton? It always spoils the GoT.
A black man walks into a music store... ...and asks an employee if they have anything by 'The Doors'. To which the employee responds "yeah, two security cameras, so get lost"
Spell icup Why the FUCK are you watching me urinate?! FUCK YOU!!!!!
What do you call an Italian mobster who specializes in cold coffee drinks? Al Frap-Pacino
"Bro, can you give me some kinda book or pamphlet for this location or product, bro?" Brochure.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
A Statistic Nine out of ten prisoners enjoy prison rape.
I hate my step ladder for not being my real ladder.
Flagging down a people-carrier taxi is like my music collection. I don't like van hailing.
What's the difference between a whore and a prostitute? Capitalism.
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?
"I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Mother: I told you not eat cake before supper. Daughter: But Mum it's part of my homework. 'If you take an eighth of a cake from a whole cake how much is left.
"Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?" TRUMP: OK first, I've seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Would you like to hear a Helen Keller joke? I'm sure she would, too.
What is the difference between a man and a woman? Wo
what's black and white and altogether catchy? Ebony and ivory.
What do you call a perverted Magician? Q: What do you call a perverted Magician? A: David "Cop a Feel" ...ba dum cha!
What do you call colorful secret police? The RGB
What does Metallica's St. Anger and Star Wars VIII have in common? No solo.
A NoSQL query walks into a bar.. ...and then walks out because there were no tables.
A man visits the doctor... ...who says to him "*Okay, Sir, I think you're going to have to stop masterbating"* *"But why, Doc?*" the man replies. "*Because this is the waiting room*".
Giant methane storms on Uranus phys.org/news/2015-03-giant-methane-storms-uranus.html
New Subway slogan idea from Jared 12 is the new 18
Alzheimer's Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease. Geezer: Well at least I don't have cancer.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can't help but slice everything as if I'm in an infomercial.
Statically, 1 in every 10 people live next to a pedophile. Not me though, I live next to a little boy with a fat ass
Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of all the Transformers.
Do Irish people make good optometrists? Eye!
Him: I'm heading to the gym Me: I'm heading to the fridge
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
What would Hitler be called if he entered into Japan unlawfully? An illegal Aryan.
When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead edit: woohoo #1
How do you know if someone is a vegan? They tell you.
Why did Karl Marx like going to continental Europe so much? Because they did not have proper tea.
How was copper wire invented? Two Jews found the same penny!
My penis is so big... ...if I laid it out on my computer keyboard, it would go all the way from A to Z.
What is a neckbeard's favorite language? M'lay.
How was copper wire invented? Two Jews found the same penny.
How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What do black people and bikes have in common? Both get thrown out when they have no use
LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER
Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I ever had? It was FANTASTIC.
In Hidden Valley, childhood obesity is covered up in creamy ranch dressing.
If you're wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it's because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I got tired of wearing my watch on my wrist.. So I tried attaching it to my belt instead.. man, that was a real waist of time.
On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?
What's the difference between a bull and a Samsung Note 7? I'm not scared when the bull charges
Aw look he's about to say his first words! "Say dada!" *baby opens mouth* Here it comes! *airhorn noise*
Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate
Why do black people hate chainsaws Because when you start them they go run nigga nigga nigga
Two Peanuts Walk into a Bar... One of them was a salted.
What do Bruce Lee and my dick have in common?(NSFW) They both have the 1 inch punch.
Don't believe people who say they are constipated. They're full of shit.
"Can I get you to-" YES! "Great! Here it-" I'LL DO IT! "Don't you want to-" MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO... - Adam Sandler being handed a script
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Everytime someone call me fat,I cut myself... A slice of pizza,who want some?
This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.
Everyone who believes in Psychokinesis... raise my hand
Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.
A dyslexic man.. Three men go to a bar, but only two walk in. One of them is dyslexic, he walked into a bra.
A white couple gets a black child Angry husband asks-you white,me white.why is baby black? Wife-you hot,me hot.baby burnt!
How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the S out of safe and the F out of way..
How do you get a Kansas alumni off your porch? pay him for the pizza.
My paper towels went missing so I hired a Bounty hunter.
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there's lots of school spirit!
If I haunt your house after I die and you hear strange noises, I probably just want you to change the TV channel. Please don't ghostbust me.
God bless USA And Science. And Muhammad And The Buddhist Gods. everyone is offended these days.
What do you call a condom within a condom? Contraception.
My girlfriend left me I came home to find her packing her things. "I just found out you're a pedophile", she explained. So I said, "That's a pretty big word for a twelve year old".
uk politics joke What do you call a freshly defeated and resigned, anti-immigration uk poilitician who searches his surroundings for food and general provisions? Nigel Forage
lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you? me: yea...it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners lifeguard: a squid?
Why did the two radio broadcasters get along so well? They were on the same wavelength.
A good pick up line to use on a pregnant woman is "Got room for one more in there?"
"Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!" --cemeteries
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. Wait, what am I saying? That'll never happen. Never mind.
What do right-handed people hate most? [NSFW] Having to switch hands at the computer.
Why did the two suicide bombers blow themselves up on the same room? So they could be splatmates.
If a grandpa has a child with his granddaughter he's a great grandpa... but a horrible father.
Your voice reminds me of a fart. It smells and nobody likes it.
What's worse than being uncomfortable at the hospital? Being made comfortable.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper up to a mile away
Q: What happens if you sing country music  backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.
- Baby, I can't sleep. - And it was pissing you off that I could?
Did you hear about the hippy that drowned at the beach? Apparently he was too far out.
My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son started dating... Apparently jealous was not the right answer.
Maths Question (Muslim version) Question 1) If Mohammad has 3 apples and gives one to Hassan and one to Ahmed, what is the radius of the explosion?
In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes "Kodak" with "Kodak."
Life is full of people you can't have and people you don't want.
I have an EpiPen A man lying on the roadside gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Why wouldn't the two tampons talk to each other? They are both stuck-up cunts.
I told a joke to a bunch of guys. They laughed. Now I'm going to prison. For manslaughter.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
For people who've been around such a long time, grandparents seem constantly amazed that children grow.
Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.
[while titanic is sinking] me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can't believe no one is eating these lol
What's the difference between a large pizza and a bass guitarist? A large pizza can feed a family of four!
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with 5 guys? She came home with a big, red snapper.
old folks home whats 50ft long and smells like piss..??line dance at an old folks home..
i wanna get a huge pile of rocks for my driveway so i can park my car like a range rover dealership
Why was the piano invented? So that the musician would have a place to put their beer.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100 She's a solid 10 but also imaginary
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[radioshack meeting] employee: sir, overall sales are really low. CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Unless you're a toddler heading towards traffic I'm not running after you.
Ruin a hipster's day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Why did the knight stop using the internet? Because he was sick of chainmail.
What do cows do in traffic? They moove
Women may have claimed the $20 bill... But men still have all the common cents.
Men are like a bag of chips They seem full at first glance but when you look inside you see it's mostly just air.
So I walked into an apple phone store... And I farted, the people working there got mad at me and I said,"it's not my fault you don't have any windows"
Whitney Houston May Not Have Had The Last Word! But I know She Had The Last Line!!
What's the Difference Between An Onion and a Baby I cry when I cut onions.
Why did the religious person give up smoking? Because God hates fags.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking in a house fire :)
what does an italian eat when he's mad at his boss ? kielbasa (said with an italian accent)
Damn shame some of ya'll will get on twitter to say Goodmorning before even brushing your teeth. #mustymouthtweet
2-year-old: Dad? Me: What? 2: Are chickens real? Me: 2: Me: No one knows.
I told my therapist that I was hearing voices. He told me I didn't have a therapist.
I got an email telling me that it was vegan month... I felt bad putting the message in spam.
The control for the air conditioner was so far away It was not even remotely close
So if you eat what you like and don't exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter. I'm really not seeing the down side here.
I fucked a fat woman in an elevator once It was wrong on so many levels
"If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don't get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you."
I'll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.
Through jelqing, I managed to make my penis ...red... Cool... I have a red dick. Thanks, internet.
Why did the cow drink his own milk? He needed the cowlcium.
[estate planning] Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift? Me: I'll be dead, that's a big enough gift for everyone
The twilight of the German poets would be Goethedammerung
The cannibal was late to dinner He was given the cold shoulder
What does Ivanka call her lower back tattoo? A Trump stamp.
Whats the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits till you're 12 to come on your face
Hey girl... Is your ph above 7? Cuz you're basic as fuck
What do call the gas you get from eating cheese? Derriere
It's incredible how many movies and tv-shows use Sandstorm by Darude in their soundtracks. YouTube commenters have been surprisingly helpful sourcing this information.
They call me the pussy destroyer. I run the best Asian restaurant around.
What famous band sleeps the least? Slipknot
Yo mama, so fat.... that when she walked outside to get the mail, it measured on the Richter Scale.
Don't succumb to peer pressure. . . . . . . Remember, none of your friends do.
Surprisingly, Mike Rowe from the show Dirty Jobs has trouble with women. They all say he has a Mike Rowe penis.
Whats the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
It's not an octopus. It's a water spider. And yes, so called "marine biologist", if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
What do you call a woman with no clitoris? It doesn't matter, she's not going to come.
Back in my day... You could go into a corner store with a dollar and come out with two Cokes, three candy bars, and a magazine. Now, fucking security cameras everywhere.
A magician walks down the street... and turns into a pub
how do you start a rave in Ethiopia? you put a piece of bread on the ceiling
Knock knock -Knock knock. -Who's there? -Athens. -Oh no, it's the polis!
"well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don't think-" [cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
There are 2 types of people in the world... Those who can extrapolate conclusions from incomplete data...
The 'g' in 'contains 100% angus beef'... is the different between a great steak, and a hot dog.
My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian It's like I've never seen herbivore.
In many ways Trump presidency is like one of your stupider Adam Sandler movies. Basically stupid, but sometimes funny. Ridiculous premise.
Lightbulb replacement..... How many black women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them-----no one wants to be the charcoal-colored one.
Why can't Kermit and Miss Piggy count to one hundred? Because every time they get to 69, Miss Piggy gets a frog in her throat.
Submit your best! (Puns) What are your best one or two liner PUNS?
Don't be sad, laundry. nobody's doing me either
Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times.... Lets call it tie, ok?
"Does this uniform make me look fat?" Asked the insecurity guard.
People who say they'll be late for their own funeral* *trust me. you'll make it.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one or not.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. Not because 7-8-9.
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive. I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
needs to stop keeping the cocaine next to the coffee creamer. I screwed up again. drinking a cup now and it has that weird milky taste.
If I eat lots of preservatives, won't I live longer? No, but you will have a longer shelf life.
I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right!
what part of the alphabet is the wettest? H to O
Two magic beans... Two magic beans are in a court house. One of them wants a restraining order against the other. The reason? He's bean stalking her
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock this morning
I used to be into S&amp;M. And necrophilia. And bestiality. Then I realized I was beating a dead horse.
GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life's mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you. ME: voicemail? ugh
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Is it still casual sex if you're wearing a tuxedo?
Why do all black people have nightmares? Because the one that had a dream got shot.
I Took a Class on Personal Finance I had no interest in it.
What do you call someone who takes things literally? A kleptomaniac!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
Did you hear about the vampire who got  married? He proposed to his girl-fiend.
What do you get when you cross Tesla and Thomas Edison? A Kick-ass band
Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road To get to your house Knock knock Who's there The chicken
What was the statistician's favorite herb? Bayes-il
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won't throw them back because they've been told their whole life that they shouldn't.
What did Gandalf say to the guy with a shy bladder? "You shall not piss."
"Tender and mild" is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.
One windmill asked another what kind of music it likes The other windmill responded "I'm a big metal fan"
I don't have a drinking problem, I'm very good at it
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? Its pasture bedtime
Q: Why was King Tutenkhamen considered the best pharaoh in all of Egypt? A: Because he always showed up in cuneiform.
Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car in Los Angeles this morning. To be fair, the driver had just watched Four Christmases.
What did the doe say as she came out of the forest? I'll never do that for 5 bucks again.
I'm going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
An organ trafficker has a date "What do you do for a living?", asks the date. "I trade illegal organs.", the trafficker says. "Jesus! Don't you have a heart?" "Was that a critic or an order?"
I like my women like I like my coffee. Pleasant and uplifting.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
First date Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers Her: Wow, impressive Him: Then I'll move on to Virgos
What kind of jokes does a mute clown tell? Dumb ones!
What will fast food workers say in Trump's Amerika? Arbeit Macht Freis with that?
What do you call cartoon duck sausage? Huey Louie Andouille.
A duck walked into a bar... And was quickly escorted out as no animals were allowed in the bar.
What do you call a dog with no legs ? It doesn't matter what you call him he still won't come !
Have you seen the photo of me and REM? That's me in the corner.
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine? a sweater
What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics? Having a pair of legs...... I know, I know, I'm going to hell
I was on a date last night and the girl said my breath smells like fire. I said, "yeah, I ate my mixtape."
Judas: Still on for friday? "Jesus: friday?" "Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper." "Jesus: The what?" "Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas."
What do you call an American communist? Manifesto Destiny
When they say a girl is dynamite In Pakistan, they mean it.
"So how did you two meet?" "Unfortunately."
Her: Is my new concealer working? Me: Who said that?
What's the sound that a French tank does just before the enemy frontline attacks? Beep Beep Beep...
What does Rupert the Bear and Jack the Ripper have in common? Same middle name!
Tension between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift is heating up... ...and Obama is ordering air strikes on Syria, like that's gonna help. What an idiot.
The problem with getting a BJ from a deaf chick They can still talk while they do it.
trump: ban muslims jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
What was the slutty princess full of? Kingdom come
Honesty is the best policy, but I also recommend a lot of life insurance.
I made a popular girl laugh today... by asking her out.
Why does an elephant have four feet? Because he'd look pretty silly with four inches.
What's the difference between saying sorry and apologizing? You can say sorry at a funeral.
In hindsight, using the word "harder" as the safe word, was not the best idea.
In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
A Spanish woman couldn't find her way out of a corn maze and died. Isn't that a-maiz-ing? EDIT: To be specific, she starved to death in the corn maze. I screwed it up.
Reddit I'm in a bit of a pickle.. and it tastes great.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
What do you get if your Kia is stolen in Finland? No Kia
Yes, I do have a stalker. They call me every day, will occasionally buy me underwear, and know more about me than I do. I call her "Mom."
I told my dentist to make my teeth whiter.. so he named them Logan and moved them to a gated community.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do? [tree hiding in broom closet tenses up] DAD: Nonsense. [tree sighs in relief]
Why did god invent the yeast infection?(x-post from r/funny) To show women what it's like to live with an irritated cunt.
Why are wedding dresses white? To match the appliances!
What's long, black, and dangerous to cut? The line at KFC.
What do you call a dog with no legs and balls of steal? Sparkie.
The riot police are always early. I hear it helps them beat the crowds.
What happens when you try to eat a fist full of rice? YOU GET KNOCKED OUT!!!
I like my jokes like my blues.... Cheesy
It really bothers me when the free Internet that I'm leeching off from the cafe across the street is kind of slow.
Make sure you get your ham early for Christmas... Because thanks to Putin there will be no Turkey left.
If it looks like a douchebag, and smells like a douchebag, then I must be walking by an Abercrombie & Fitch store.
In case nobody has Facebook, it's cold outside.
Zayn is leaving 1D. BBC sacked Jeremy Clarkson... Imagine the headlines "New Top Gear host Zayn Malik" ... "New One Direction member Jeremy Clarkson" :D
my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we've never met
I always feel a little sad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants or lost his family in a fire.
My German friend brought his newly-bought laptop to me... ...and said "I shouldn't have bought one with a English keyboard. Can you tell me what this is?" He then pointed at the space bar.
I dont tweet much abt my goal to poop every letter of the alphabet. Did the easy ones (C, J) yrs ago. Just toughies left. Your B & W. Your Q
Whats the hardest part of cooking a potato? Signing the legal guardian paperwork
No matter how kind you are german kids are Kinder
GURU: You have achieved the state of sakrdagamin: you will reach nirvana within seven lifetimes ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six
Trust but verify.
What's Hitler's favorite board game? Gas Who?
Why is a frog luckier than a cat ?  Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine  times !
*takes long drag from cigarette* *stares off into the distance* *slowly glances down at hand* *lights cigarette*
A preschooler refused to sleep during naptime... He was charged with resisting a rest
What's funny about majorities? Most things.
Reportedly, Bill Gates filed for trademarks on iCrosoft, iNdows & iHateSteveJobs today. Then, he wiped his ass with a bazillion dollar bill.
What is the epitome of sex with the elderly? Knitted condoms!
What is the size of women in Italy? Itali-cized.
What's the difference between sixty-nining and driving in the fog? When you're driving in the fog you can't see the asshole in front of you!
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Mexico? So he can be juan with everything.
Why does Kim Jong Un have an email? So he can eat all the spam.
What's the easiest part about eating Jews for dinner? They're pre cooked
What is the world's most religious fish? The manta pray, at least until the morpray eel hears about this.
What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do
Why'd the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.
What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's baton? A magicians wand is used for cunning stuns.
I used to be a fan of Dell's computers... Now i'm just an air conditioner.
A group of mimes kidnapped me They did unspeakable things to me
Listen google, it's 2015. I need you to figure out who I'm talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn't like."
What type of sense of humor does a dust  storm have?  -A very dry sense of humor
A kid locked the boys bathroom. Janitor tells him "That was a dick move there son". The Principal tells him "Urine a lot of trouble son" His friends are pissed at him
The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers But it was just a miner inconvenience
"Chocolate is so yummy it'd probably taste good on mothballs." - inventor of Whopper Candies.
UFC 207 Not the first time I've paid $60 for 48 seconds of disappointment
I went to a poltical one handed-people-demonstration ... and it was horrible, about 50% of them had no rights!
My daughter is playing "you can't find me, Mommy"... I'm playing "I'm not trying, Suckaaaa".
RED, WHITE, AND BLUE, More like hepatitis type 2 ayyy lmao
A man calls his boss to call in sick... The boss asks him, "How sick are you anyway?" "I fucked my sister! Is that sick enough for you?"
A rabbi, an Irishman, and a clown walk into a bar The bartender says "This has to be a joke."
Stop being so long ago, 1998.
Who is your Grandma's favorite politician? Bernie Sandmaster Flash
What's another name for a "penis potato"? A dictator.
a classics professor goes to a tailor... A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"
If you don't already know your Miranda rights from watching TV and movies, you're kind of an idiot.
I don't believe my friend's story about the time he fit a whole watermelon up his ass. It's just too much of a stretch.
ME: [screaming into the void] THE VOID: please untag me from this thread
A man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Why the long face?" He answers, "because I'm an alcoholic and I'm destroying my family."
What does a Men's Rights activist call a broken hand? Celibacy. (Edit: LOL! Seems I've "triggered" some folks with broken hands and fedora collections.)
What do you call someone who isn't a redhead but colors there hair red later in life? A trans-ginger
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I always bring a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it's always the same one.
Thanks for painting the cell towers green so they look like trees, California, but can you paint the homeless like pavement next?
What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game? At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.
He saved his family three times in the Taken films and got no thanks. The next one should be called Taken 4: Granted
The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.
Reddit Servers. Thanks, O Admins
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear? White Vans. I'll be here all week.
The first person to ride a horse was probably pretty fucking drunk.
Advice for guys When a girl says you that you're going to far, she actually means you are coming to close.
Know what's the hardest thing about having sex with a Japanese girl? Trying to find an octopus at 11PM.
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Huh? The light's out?
Who is the Lone Aardvark's faithful Indian  companion? Tanto
What did the chef say to his assistant when he got handed the wrong ingredients? This is neither the thyme nor the plaice.
Aieee, Ginsburg's dead! If you've never heard the joke with this punchline, find someone who knows it and ask him to tell it to you. It's very funny, but it's too long to bother typing out here.
Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween? Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.
Where do poor meatballs live? In the Spaghetto. (I 've seen this on reddit before, one of my all time favorites though!)
Women are like parking spots. The good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
I once met an irritating man who upheld his family name. He was Hanoi-Ying.
Saying 'Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?' only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority
woman driver I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."
How are girlfriend like cults? You have to prove your devotion before you're welcomed into the folds.
Sorry for writing "I guess u moved on haha" under that ultrasound photo of your baby.
Did do hear about the part of my house that died from a drug overdose? He was an attic
Damn girl, are you Chile? "Why, because I'm tall and thin?" "No, because you make my vagina as dry as the Atacama desert."
Have you heard about the movie called 'Constipation'...? No? That's because it hasn't come out yet.
Me: *breaks down door Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING? M: HOME INVASION! W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex. M: Soooooo W: No
If Sanders win the nomination, won't that make him mainstream? There goes the hipster vote.
Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.
Glee' creator says he's gotten death threats over show's politics... ...Gee, it must be terrifying to get death threats from gay 15-yr-olds!
There's a disturbing movie about an evil German lunatic who creates an ass-to-mouth chain of people who digest each other's shit. You know, that documentary about the Trump campaign.
Why did jesus not go to australia? He couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
So I introduced my new girlfriend to my family Everyone seemed to like her except for my wife
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Gay guys make some people mad... They get me anal...
What did the boy pee say to the girl pee? Urine angel.
If Johnny has $20 and Tyrone takes $16... What color is Tyrone?
McDonald's should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.
Why is SAE not that racist? Because some of their best friends are black... for halloween!
Cop pulled me over said "papers" I replied with "scissors, I win" and drove off. Now I'm doing hard time on the rock.
Do you know where my potted cactus went? [OC] Well, I can't put my finger on it...
Did John Knott mind being the only cited author on his group's research paper? Knott, et al.
Being Bipolar sucks... I love it
What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? At least you can see the asshole in front of you when you're eating pussy.
What's the worst thing about a woman's panties? Your nuts hang out the side. A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change
Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off
"I wish you would stop staring at my breasts. " said the barmaid, "you're making me uncomfortable. " "Uncomfortable?" I replied, "you want to try sitting on one of these stools with an hard on. "
What did the mexican-american say when two houses landed on him? Get off me holmes!
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
What did the Ukrainian say to the whiny American? Crimea River.
What type of belly buttons do cars have? Audi's.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in six years.
What did the tomato say to the ear of corn? Nothing, as tomatoes lack any ability to communicate.
My sister asked me to take off her clothes ;) 'No way! You're my sister!' 'But I incest.'
If I'm suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it's only because I want what you're eating.
I had a joke about erectile dysfunction... But I knew you guys wouldn't be up for it.
I hate Cinco De Mayo! -Said no Juan ever
The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat. My pasta My. Pasta
How would you describe Al Gore playing the drums? Algorithm.
Two Short Jokes, and One Long One... Joke Joke Jooooooooooooooke!
if you run over a bicyclist with an acoustic guitar on his back the cops will pull you over and give you a briefcase with money in it
Why did Paul Walker cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt. (I'm sorry)
Are you from Idaho... Are you from Idaho cause I-da-hoe for you.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
What's a 6.9? Another great thing ruined by a period
Define the lecturer Teacher to Student: Can you define the lecturer? Student: A lecturer is person who has bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping.
I'm trying to find a job cleaning mirrors It's something I could really see myself doing
Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page... ...please enter your 17 digit password.
Oh no, here come the Nintendo police! Wii U, Wii U, Wii U
Today is my birthday and I turned 25 Jokes on me my insurance didn't go down.
A friend of mine got married on top of a mountain last year. Aye they say it was all downhill from there.
What's 1+1? More than one!
The New 20 dollar bill I have a serious question for you guys. If a woman gets payed $.75 for every dollar a man gets payed, does that mean that the $20 dollar bill will only be worth $15?
A blind man walks into a bar... ... and a table, and a chair, and a stool.
What do you call a humpless camel covered in plastic? Llamanated
A blind prostitute is giving a guy a handjob... ...And she says "Wow this is the biggest dick I've ever been with!" And the guy goes "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who gets shit and pissed on all the time? John
39 and 41 had a fight. 42. ... 41.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent. That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
A dog is a man's best friend. Don't belive me? Put your wife in the trunk, put your dog in the trunk, wait a couple of hours. After open the trunk and looks who's happy to see you
Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.The two in the front seat escaped unharmed but the two in the back bed drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open!
What's the name of NASA's launch button? The "Space Bar"
If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
Two art theives were going about their business at an art museum. One said to the other, "Grab the Monet and let's Gogh."
i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: "tell me the meaning of life". when the door bell rings there's only an empty box
What does a polite pirate say? Chivalry-Timbers!
They're not going to grow bananas any  longer. Really? Why not? Because they're long enough already.
What is a baby's dream job? Working at a winery.
Have you ever seen the movie "Constipation"? It never came out.
The most epic stage name for a Chinese porn actor would be Mao "The Dong"
If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers... you need to quit cold turkey.
I'm in so much debt... I could start a government.
You remind me of Monday... Because nobody likes you
How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ? He has cat-arrh !
Sex is easy... Telling your dad he's pregnant isn't.
My girlfriend just passed away. She was Dutch and always wore inflatable shoes. I'm miserable now that she has popped her clogs.
I broke my hymen riding a horse... Its dick sure was huge!
what would have they called founder of apple if it was a failure? Steve Jobless
Why did my jizz cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
So much traffic around the funeral home... I guess it's not a dying business.
Some French words have silent t's, like "ballet" and "tbonjour"
IF attacked by Clowns ... Go for the Juggler!
Why do Jews hate seeing 10 dollar bills? Because they know they cant have them because HAMiltons aren't kosher Source: Me; a Jew
If at first you don't succeed... ...skydiving is not for you
I used to throw gang signs... but then my mom saw me and made me pick them up.
Startling awake... is a good way to startle a wake
A number fight there was this 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 ganging on a 0, he tightened his belt and became an 8 and beat them all
Why do pessimists always think it's the weekend? Because every day is a sadder-day.
A guy is about to die Guy: How much time do I have left, doctor? Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what?! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years? Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...
If George Washington Carver became a teacher, what would his nickname be? The Nutty Professor
What did the hungry whale do? He bit the tail off a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.
A joke about Muhammad [removed]
Justin Bieber.... I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
What do you throw a drowning Mexican? His wife and kids.
Why is Edward Snowden still in Russia? The airport is Snowden
Heard a good joke from a cam model. Which country has the hottest cam bodies? NSFW A. Cambodia. Then she slapped her ass and started masturbating.
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
At which place do mostly all men and women have curly hair? Namibia... but i like the way you think (   )
I need to make a change. I haven't given a fuck my entire life. I'm still a virgin.
A Ducks walks into a bar He orders a beer and says.......... put it on my tab.
Q: What do you call two blondes in a canoe? A: Fur traders.
If fire hydrants have H2O inside them, what do they have outside? K9P
Rather than trying to "change" your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
What kind of buildings do terrorists have on their farms? Allahu akbarns (I'm going to hell)
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I thought it was called a Fist Bump Why not call it a Finger Bang?
Dogs are great for meeting girls. Pack of dogs attack a girl she's gonna need to go to a hospital. Who's gonna drive her? That's right. You.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
MRW I see all this Fine Bros news [removed]
How do yo get to Sesame Street? Unzip my pants and ask big bird
Saw a Steve Jobs doppelganger on a Spirit airlines flight today You could say that he was there, in Spirit.
How do assassins pay for stuff on the internet? hitcoin
Talk Like A Pirate Day Here's my impersonation of a pirate: *ahem* Look at me. Look at me. I'm the captain now.
Wanna hear a pizza joke? I can't tell it to ya, it's too cheesy
This hammock is the most relaxing thing I've ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.
It's easier to take Wales out of the EU... ...than it is to take a Welshman out of the ewe.
Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is "I look fantastic in large hats."
What do you call a black man on the moon?... A problem. 2 black men on the moon? A bigger problem. All the black men on the moon? Problem solved!
These one line jokes are really something ..they put you up straight in line of fire.
I just sprayed a mosquito... with mosquito repellent. Now he'll never have any friends.
Despite the cost of living... It still remains so popular.
If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.
Nothing soothes the soul like seeing a huge muscular guy walking with a tiny ice cream cone
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
How do you make the best Harlem Shake video? You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.
A man in front of me dropped $20 I picked it up and asked myself, what would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Teacher: Tommy Russell you're late again.  Tommy: Sorry sir. It's my bus - it's always coming late. Teacher: Well if it's late again tomorrow catch an earlier one.
If a girl is standing and shouting through the sunroof of a limo, that limo has turned on its slut siren.
Did you see the fantastic four? Human torch played by uncle ruckus.
My wife accused me of being transgender... So I packed her things and left.
Did you hear of the guy who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? He just could not explain it! Then it dawned on him.
What's the difference between a brown noser and a shit head? Depth perception.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped. 911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma'am? Me: No. Pizza.
(Sexism warning) Yesterday a tree fell on a woman and killed her. What was a tree doing in the kitchen?
Why was the liquor trader arrested? Because he was in cider trading
Prior to officially becoming a part of the United States, what was Oregon like? It was very unOregonized.
Why won't Malia and Sasha Obama's classmates gossip about them? Because they know their father can read their emails.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Today is finally Eid! You know what I'm getting for my newborn baby? A first Eid kit!
I hope I don't get rheumatoid arthritis.. Fingers crossed.
Patient: Doc what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth? Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood.
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do Apparently, "your daughter" wasnt the right answer
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names!
The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls
There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.
Whats the best thing about being addicted to speed? Only one more sleep until Christmas!
A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging from his crotch. Someone asks "what is that on you?" He responds, "Arrr, I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Who was the most important Knight of the Round Table? Sir Cumference.
What did the Alabama Sheriff say about the black man that was stabbed seventy times? Worse case of suicide he's ever seen
Here is a joke ... My grades after finals
At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work... ...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
A Catholic priest comes in a bar...... on a 5 year old boy's face.
[Christmas] 6:30kids are excited 7:30kids are playing 8:00kids are fighting 9:00kids are crying 9:15wife is yelling 9:30I am drinking
Why are linear equations so easy to interrogate? Because they always give you a straight answer.
I have always wanted to watch American History X... But I have never been able to find the first nine.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? keep the tip
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
how would u like your steak sir? we've got rare, ultra rare, legendary, fossil, or u can try and catch your own steak in the safari zone
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today. Co-worker: From Star Wars? *goes home* Wife: How was your day? Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
What did the wick say to the wax? I candel you.
Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the buildings across the street.
[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."
Papa Bear: I wish he'd Mackle more. Mama Bear: I wish he'd Mackle less. Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Mullets: Business in the front. Party-at-a-mobile-home-til-5am-drinking-Pabst-then-go-home-&-get-arrested-for-domestic-violence in the back
I need hug(e amount of money).
Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?A: None. It just lets out a little wine.
How do you get down from an elephant? You don't. You get down from a goose.
Whats easier than stealing candy from a baby? ... Stealing candy from a dead baby.
15: MOM, WHERE'S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?! Me: Name THREE songs & I'll help you look for it. 15: ...
When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo... I had to put my foot down.
A man has been admitted to hospital after pushing 6 plastic horses up his anus. Doctors declared his condition as "stable".
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan's threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook join together and be called.... YouTwitFace
I'm that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed
Isn't Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? **YOU DONT KNOW YOU WEREN'T THERE!**
I hope Death is a woman... That way, it'll never come for me...
Pao's reddit password leaked 123
My math teacher insulted me He called me a third derivative
I lost my voice. If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
SANTA: I don't need a surveillance guy. I see all! ELF ON SHELF: Seen these? [shows pics of Mommy kissing Santa Claus] S: When can u start
I ate catnip today. I enjoyed it, but the cat sure didn't.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian  soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds.
Any size pizza can be a personal pizza if you're depressed enough.
What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come.
Me: you're like heroin. Her: Why? Because you're addicted to me? Me: No, because you're ruining my life.
That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!
lately my house has been a bit drafty... not because its' poorly insulated, but because my wife keeps bringing home marines...
There is nothing stronger than love... Except Rayleigh, Rayleigh is slower but stronger
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
there there son *crouches down & wipes his tears* its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil-- YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If you're American outside of the bathroom, what are you inside it? European
Always wash your clothes in tide Because it's way too cold out-tide
I learned a lot of new stuff from my travel to North Korea... [deleted]
Two condoms are walking down the street when they pass a gay bar... One turns to the other and asks, "Hey man, wanna go get shit faced?"
I've been hit by a car before, you don't want to go down that road.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on me
I accidentally sprayed spot remover on my dog... ...now he's gone.
A Las Vegas joke Criss Angel
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
In communist america Banks rob you.
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison? Small medium at large.
The ethernet is used to catch the etherbunny.
Why did the rockstar turkey get kicked out of the concert? Because he tryptophan.
Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.
What's Irish and sits out in the rain? Paddy o' Furniture
[elevator] "Wanna buy a spoon?" Huh, no, why? [elevator slowly fills with pudding] [opens briefcase filled with spoons] [sheepishly] Yes.
Interview Boss: What could you bring to this company? Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.
Despite how vital drinking water is.... I always turn my nose up at it.
I love paying full retail for a game and not have all the content available. Said no one ever
I had a dream last night... ...that I was eating a massive marshmallow, it was huge! And then when I woke up this morning, my pillow was gone!
What did the Mod say to OP? [deleted]
I'd hate to be Rock, and have to come home and explain to my kids how I got beat by Paper.
Ice cubes are very badass I mean they float around their own blood
A man that recently turned blind stabbed himself because he couldn't see the point anymore.
What was used to grow crops on Mars in the movie Martian? Good Shit
I'm starting to hate the U.S. government The NSA appears to be the only department which listens
The new film coming out about a kid with cerebral palsy isn't doing well with critics . . . . . It gets off to a shaky start then ends up falling flat on it's face
How does the rabbi make his tea? He-brews it
A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor... ...and says "Make me one with everything."
I have a girlfriend named Refrigerator She always opens up to me
Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California? Because they, like, can't even deal.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you? Vader: I couldn't read it. Your handwriting is awful. Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Pregnancy is like politics you vomit a lot and at the end you get something you don't want.
What is the national front's favorite curry?
Q: Why are crocodiles brown and flat? A: Because if they were yellow and round, they'd be lemons.
Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it's down the chimney.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because It was eggshausted
Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Why did the bull get a sex change? To see how the UDDER side lives! ---------- (Thought of it while washing the dishes, hope you all get a kick out of it.)
Me: How was your first day of school? 5-year-old: Long. Me: I'm sure tomorrow will be better. 5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Young people don't relate to George Foreman. That's why, today, I'm introducing the Skrillex Grillex.
What is a pirate's favorite material? Arrr-gyle.
What do you call a laptop that sings? A Dell
TIFU by bringing on the wrong player Oops, wrong sub Please^dont^hate^me
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
What do you call someone who failed rehab? Back on crack
two pedophiles talking... I was with this girl last night....  how old is she?  she is three...  YUCK, that walks...  sorry
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell bad.
Why don't urologists hand out stickers their patients? Because they are always telling them "You're in trouble"
If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I'd only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.
What's the difference between a gun and amnesia? Oh shoot, I forgot...
I gave all my dead batteries away today .. .. free of charge !
What do monkeys sing at Christmas  ? Jungle Bells Jungle bells.. !
Doctors have discovered that breast cancer may cause amnesia. After all, mastectomy would result in mammary loss.
Why did the guy lose his job at the suicide prevention hotline? v2 He kept leaving them hanging.
I'm going to the new Tom Cruise movie at midnight. Seeing it on the Edge of Tomorrow.
No thanks lady, I don't need a tray I'll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee's
An elephant and a camel are chatting at a party The elephant asks "Why do you have your tits on your back?" "YOU KNOW FOR SOMEONE WHOSE DICK IS IN THEIR FACE THAT'S A REALLY STUPID QUESTION!"
My CW just barked. Ok, it may have been a burp, but I'd like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Facebook: Holy Crap, I know this person. Twitter: Good Lord, I know this person.
BREAKING NEWS: Just in from a correspondent in the Middle East. ISIS to buy all Samsung Galaxy Note 7. #note7
If the number 666 is considered evil ..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil? Edit: My first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
My Dads career advice was "Do what you love". So I'm trying to make a living jerking off and playing video games.
The FDA has announced a ban of all pre-shredded cheeses They want to make America grate again.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns
My wife says I've placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? He keeps coming and coming and coming...
The people you may know list should be renamed to, the people you may want to block.
The moderators of /r/jokes remind me of my browsing history. [deleted]
Girlfriend's dad says this joke. Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks.
Iggy Azalea may not be the best singer... but she certainly is the fanciest
Time flies like an arrow.. Fruit flies like a banana.
I seen twins hugging I told them to get a womb
I was offered sex today... with a 21 year old and all I had to do was re-post a joke. I, of course, declined.
what do you call a lady with one leg Ilene sorry if I killed you because of how old this is
I like playing with my dog when I'm high. Because I don't have one when I'm sober.
Black humor jokes? Post here some funny black humor jokes !I am boooring as hell and you guys make me laugh everytime,so please!
Black Car I want a black car with a bumper sticker that says "I'm not racist, my car is black."
Searching for stuff on the internet when you're drunk is called Beer Googles.
I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.
My sex life .
How do we know God's not a woman? We're not sandwiches.
I'm reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Doctor: You need new glasses  Patient: How do you know? I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke
There are 10 kinds of people in this world... Those who understand Binary and those who don't... Source: Boredomtheraphy.com
What is said at the conclusion of a lesbian marriage ceremony? You may fist the bride
Rabbits are either running or being a statue. You never see a rabbit strolling.
nws, easter what Some told me they were going to an egg toss, me, Is that an oral sex party
The Past, The Present, and The Future all went camping... How? They all stayed in seperate tents!
I was reminiscing at my old school's library... looking back at my shelf.
What did the redneck girl say to her father? Get off of me dad, you're crushing my Pall Malls!
Why is auto correct regarded as an important invention? Because it's mage tipping berry ready for us. Obligatory edit: very easy for us
[meeting] Bill: we'll call it BILLOSOPHY Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect  pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
What kind of bees make milk? Boo bees
My friend lied to me about pooping in the slow cooker. What a crock of shit.
My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn't at all concern & terrify me.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!
What will the Easter Bunny be doing after Easter? One to three for breaking and entering.
What did the group of young deer do with the broken jukebox ? They fixed it because their the fawns
My idea of a romantic dinner for two involves a surprising amount of papier-mache dinosaurs.
[NSFW] Why is Popeye's penis soft and smooth? He puts it in Olive Oyl. Edit: I don't know why this is tagged under religion.  \_()_/ 
A joke that is mildly racist How.come there were only 1800 Mexicans at the Alamo? Because they only had two pickup trucks
As an ass assessor, I assess asses.
What do you call Hitler's bachelor party? The Reich-stag!
Does anybody know if you can hire somebody to go out and have beers with? I'm asking for a friend.
Why is it easy for light bulbs to travel? Because they pack light.
Him: Wow you're eating again? Me: Wow you're celibate again?
Why did Reddit's restaurant go our of business? All of its servers were busy
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he's been reading the news and knows he won't get punished for it.
I heard that if you play the Windows NT 4.0 CD backwards you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward it installs NT 4.0!
My housemate is going away to Oslo. He asked if I wanted to come along but I said Norway.
A sex joke I wrote I don't tell her where to go. but why does she always come?
I was once told "There is great strength in numbers"... Someone once told me "There is great safety in numbers"; I could only think, "Now go tell that to six million jews"...
Have you heard about the joke about immortality... ...It never gets old.
Drunk girls would be amazing lawyers if they cared about laws & freedoms as much as they cared about trying to convince people they're sober
My parents say I'm too materialistic... Sent this from my new iPhone 6s Plus by the way.
Whats the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew Harry made it out of the chamber
What insect lives on nothing ? A moth because it eats holes
Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....? In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February....
Why was the lawyer home early? Briefcase
What goes oo ooo oooo? A cow with no lips.
Lil Johnny: "Dad I lost my virginity las night!" Dad: "I am proud of you son, come sit next to me and tell me how it went." Lil Johnny: "I can't sit right now, my butt still hurts"
I'm not a gynechologist But I'll take a look
I was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, ... ... but that's so much work.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow? Me: Sure. Can't wait to see you. Him: I land at 5 AM. Me: I have no brother.
What do you call a rude god? Assholy.
Q: Define Transvestite: A: A guy who likes to eat drink and be Mary.
I decided to make a website so rednecks can find out and track who their ancestors were... I named it Incestry
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees.
I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "Through a window" is not the correct answer! thanks user/TheLuckyBarkeep
"Of course I have a mandate!" Donald Trumpler shrieked at reporters. "Master Putin is picking me up tonight for dinner and dancing."
What do you call a large penis? A sperm whale.
how do you circumcise a hillbilly? you kick his sister in the jaw. yee haw!!
I saw a guy with down syndrome buying a pair of jeans today. I thought to myself, "What a greedy bastard, haven't you got enough already?"
What Leonidas told his 300 after they got surrounded. Guys, it's a wipe. (World of Warcraft reference)
The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can't complete calls.
Why did the chicken double-cross the road? To change sides.
Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee? Tsarbucks.
Just signed up to study abroad I heard she has absolute cans.
How many doors are on a chicken coop? Two. If it had four, it would be a sedan.
*Looking in the mirror* Fix hair. Check teeth. Fix hair. Check butt. Fix hair. Side check. Suck in. Side check. Fix hair. *Sighs* walks...
Why is America home to the majority of comedians? Lax pun control laws.
My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed. ... ... It will be our joint account.
Why are your eyes covered in ketchup? I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?" So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.
Two roses What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ
Fertility clinic What did the perverted embryonic scientist say to the microscope? "Are those my genes because I can definitely see myself in them."
My body looks as if it were chiseled from marble I'm not muscular whatsoever I'm just really white.
Your momas so fat... You just lost the game inb4 downvotes and madfags
Intelligence always beats good looks. But just to be safe I've got both covered.
I saw a kid pretending to be a dinosaur by himself today... He looks lonely so I decided to go and join him. After a while, his mother came by and told me off. Turns out he had Cerebral Palsy.
I feel bad for airport security workers. I'm going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.
I was straining on the toilet this morning. "Where's the fucking sieve?" asked my wife.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the Like' button is below)
I could live in this house for a million years and still second guess which switch is for the garbage disposal every time.
"I love to collect big white basketball shoes!!!!" - someone with the opposite brain of me
My nephew got me with this one He said "they've been together for 15 years." When I asked who, he said "DEEZ NUTSS"
What do you call a Mexican garden hose in Canada? Joseh
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said "day before Valentine's Day" like I'm some genius who knows when Valentine's Day is.
Two women were sitting quietly...
When do e-mails stop being in black and white? When they are read.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
Remember that you are unique Just like everyone else.
Smells like carrots. Q: What is invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts.
Why is Karl Marx credited in so many movies? (OC) Because he wrote the Rom-Communist Manifesto.
What kind of bees can you get milk from? Boobies!
What's the difference between Santa and a black man? Santa stops after the third Ho
What do you call an Asian boy with downs? Lo Mein. See you all in hell.
What does Pac Man do when he's not eating dots? I don't know, probably just wakaround for a little while.
My kleptomania is getting worse I even stole this joke
Anyone want to know my secret to quit procrastination? I'll tell you tomorrow.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you've got a good throwing arm.
Benefits of dating me: You'll be dating me. I could go on, but I think I've made my point.
I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, "How to spot a lady-boy". He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere". I said "That's the one".
How do you catch a one of a kind bird? Unique up on it. Welcome to kindergarten.
I was at a hat shop and the sign read, "ALL CAPS MUST GO!" ...and I thought what hypocrites!
where do sperm go when they die? The sementery.
A man wearing transparent underwear walked into a psychiatrist's office The psychiatrist said, "I can see you're nuts"
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you? [cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
What do you call a bean that's good at silent acting? A pintomime.
If you can't handle me at my un-shaved, you don't deserve me at my waxed.
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station while the other is a busty crustacean.
If you can't figure out your location on a coordinate plane... ...Are you lost in translation?
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns... But I soon realized that toucan play at that game
I saw a gay midget the other day I thought wow that's a little queer
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons "speech impediment" was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I finished a sudoku today so I'm ready to do your taxes.
My grandpa dies in a concentration camp He fell from a guard tower.
Ask me if I'm a tree. Huh? Ask me if I'm a tree. Are you a tree? No.
Looks like we got about 4 inches of snow last night Or as my boyfriend calls it... 7.
I'm not comfortable with the fact that there's a skeleton inside me.
The groom was furious and told me I was a terrible best man. I was speechless.
free shipping should be basic human rights.
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one.
Q) What do you call a fat person that eats because they're angry, and is then angry because they eat? A) a viscous circle.
Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let someone know how you feel. That's why you have two hands.
Why did simbas father die in lion king? Because he couldn't Mufasa.
What do you call a fart in the middle of the night? What do you call a fart in the mourning? A midnight snack A hot Breakfast
What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common? It's quiet and embarrassing.
What do you call 20,000 lawyers under the sea? A good start.
I came across my parents doing it in the bathroom!!! My dad was like, "Where do I go now?"
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make: - a snake - worm - eel - dog, hot - 2 snakes
People who live in Flint should drink gasoline. It's cheaper than the water and guaranteed unleaded
I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today Stupid capital punishment
Two fish are in a tank... One turns to the other and asks: "do *you* know how to drive this thing?"
No one really cares, but I love it when people give me rats to have sex with. Who gives a rat's ass?
Why was Barbie never pregnant? Because Ken came in another box.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
Internet Explorer: so about last night Me: Oh, i used you for flash. IE: Are we back together, am i your default? Me: don't make this weird
Two Muffins Two muffins are being put into an oven. The one muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Hey is it getting hot in here?" The other muffins says, "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
i didnt give that homeless guy money because his beard wasnt up to my standards. clean your act up homeless guy
What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAAIIINNNNSS!!! :D
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter!
[quietly tries to open a can of beer] driving instructor: what was that
I like my women how I like my whiskey. 13 years old and mixed up with coke.
The only camper that is a Happy Camper is the one who drank enough alcohol to forget that he's CAMPING.
Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the "body of Christ" right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off
Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much.
Donald Trump walks into an empty bar and says.. "Am I the only joke here?"
Saw a man at the beach screaming, "SAVE ME..I'm drowning". I instantly uploaded his pic, captioned "1 like = 100 prayers" on facebook..!!
I can still blame my unhealthy eating on "the holidays", right? President's Day is coming up.
Gun loading announcement... Apparently my local radio station had an announcement on how to load a gun. But I never got the bulletin.
I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks. Dad loved her, but mum said she could've done with another hour on a low heat.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet. "It was always huge & full sized!" said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Watch out for children on the road. They're terrible drivers.
What did the cow say to the paintbrush? Moo. As told by my kid this morning.
Who is the coolest guy in the Hospital? A. The Ultra Sound guy. Q. Who is the second coolest? A. The Hip replacement dude.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Today I saw two dogs make hot streamy love on the roadside. It's really hurtful to see your ex moving on so quickly.
Why did Princess Diana Cross the Road? She wasn't buckled in.
DENTIST: let's get started, shall we? *places drill on tray* ME: um D: *places giant needle on tray* ME: uhhhhh D: *places handgun on tray*
What did Jack Frost say at his climax? "Winter is coming"
What does a musician train do when running from the law? Covers tracks
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Why do they call it a non-sequitur? Riot gear.
My sergeant just told me this... Im going to get an old car, take a sledge hammer to the back bumper repeatedly , then get a bumper sticker that says "I brake for tailgaters."
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Why couldn't the snake have sex Ereptile dysfunction
Mom stop you are not funny Son: Mom stop you are not funny, you never make jokes. Mom: I made you.
"Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor"- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the 'Caution: wet floor' sign
Why don't women fart? They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure
Tell me your favourite version of The Aristocrats
I just asked my friend to come over and "play husband". He's gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I can't wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An Afronaut.
What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
Puns about women are not funny. Period.
what did the router say to the doctor? It hertz when IP.
I'm confused, if all these rappers really are the genuine article like they claim, then who are all these phonies they keep talking about?
A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you're home safe
I just got back from the proctologist, and she had a very fitting name. Dr. Anna Lee Finger
Psychologist: Go to your happy place. Me: *grabs car keys* Psychologist: Where are you going? Me: The liquor store.
A blind man walks into a bar... ... a table, and a chair.
When I was a kid 'friends with benefits' meant that kid had a nintendo.
What is the difference between a bowling ball and a Romanian woman's Pussy? If you had to, you could eat the bowling ball.
I forgot to pluck my eyebrows while getting ready this morning. It was an oversight.
My boss told me she would screw me if I worked all the free overtime I possibly could.
I raped a blind woman the other day. She didn't see me coming.
What do dolphins like to listen to? Podcasts.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong socks this morning.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You're Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
When I pay for my groceries and the cashier hands me the receipt I like to smile and say "this will all be poop soon".
My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.
When I get lost in Reddit, I instinctively click on "Front", and then regret it. I regReddit.
Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
TIL, over 23% of jokes on /r/jokes are just ripoffs of previous ones Whooooops... Wrong sub(    )
What do you call an epileptic having a fit in a deck-chair? A Transformer! (Literally my favourite joke of all time.)
How many black people does it take to shingle a roof?? One....but you gotta slice him reeeeeaaaalllllll thinnnnnnnnnnnnn.....
Why do rapists make great salesmen? They just can't take no for an answer. For the record I don't condone rape.
Bukkake is like buses You wait ages for one to come, and then they all come at once.
I'm convinced. Some peoples' brains are still on dial-up.
I almost always wear black. Not because I'm depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I'm single and don't want to separate laundry.
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to get up on his high horse and another to chastise the first about oppressing horses.
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons.
If Clinton wins the election... There'll be another Bush in the White House
You haven't seen a woman overreact until you've told a woman she's overreacting.
Why didn't the Turkey cross the road? It was too Chicken.
I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead. Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
Breaking news! A man who tried to sue an airline company about his missing luggage has lost his case
Minions.3D.BluRayRiP.4K.aXX0.torrent Talk like a pirate day
A Pokemon GO player climbed to the summit of mount Everest... ...convinced that he would could catch a rare Pokemon. All he caught was a cold. It stared with a peak achoo.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'
I'm surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I'm sorry I got salsa on your baby and I'm extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.
What do you call Jews with HIV? Financial AIDS.
i've decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I'm adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.
I like my coffee like I like my women hand-picked brazilian.
What do Kim Kardashian and her dad have in common? They both got famous for getting a black man off.
Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it three times now.
Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew? All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish
If software developers made cars They would cost $500, get 200 miles per gallon, and once a year would explode. Killing everyone inside.
Hey I figured out why they call it BENGAY! Cause love is hard on the knees!
Why isn't having sex with a dead baby considered necrophilia? Because it was alive when you started.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
What is a Barefooted Locksmith's favorite drink? Sake. (sock-key)
Why did the French police arrested the Muslim teenager? Because he was trying to detonate a Samsung Note 7.
tight pants What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? no ballroom.
When you get sloppy seconds and get her pregnant. You get a sloppy Joe.
I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception
What happens when a neckbeard takes drugs? They start tipping balls.
What's black and yellow and doesn't float? A bulldozer.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs? *clicks keyboard furiously* *adds 17 emojis*
Why is it best to be bitten quickly by one  mosquito? Because an itch in time saves nine.
Why is Anthony Weiner considered a hipster? He had has dick out for Harambe before it was cool.
It could be the Vodka talking but I used to be a potato.
My car was like "change my oil" & I was like "change it yourself, stupid" & it was like "I can't, I'm an inanimate object" & then we laughed
If Jesus was a Jew . . . If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Puerto Rican name?
Give me your best 'Yo Momma' jokes. Yo momma's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm for different timezones! Yo momma's so fat, she is on BOTH sides of the family! EDIT: Grammar...
I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.
I've invented a golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4 inches. They work brilliantly, just don't carry them in your back pocket.
You can't cry over spilled milk but you can cry over spilled wine
(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen. Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.
everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame - so here's my first original joke! why is it impossible to surprise a snowman? .. he has ice in the back of his head
Why did a kid get arrested for taking a home made clock into school? Sounds like he had already done the... time
My wife wanted a Christmas tree in every room But I said no way that's overkill. So we compromised and now there's a Christmas tree in every room.
My cat died. Just kitten.
What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi? i let women know that i have a jacuzzi
Did you hear about the man who invented the knock knock joke? He won the Nobel prize. (Sorry if this has been posted before, I heard it today for the first time and it made my day)
Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
What do a ghost family and the Kardashians have in common? They both have Transparents.
Married Couple Friend:hey how's your married life buddy..... Jhon: 20 years before it was like heaven ....... 20 years after no fucks given
What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels
A black woman has five kids all named Jamal, how does she tell them apart? By their last names.
I'd get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because he's a fucking creep
My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone "Hello?"
What do you get if King Kong falls down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
Did you get that joke about the Titanic? It took a while to sink in.
WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON'T WORK...IT'S TOO RISKY
My roommate says that I'm hard to live with... Where does the arrogant bastard get off saying things like that, He muttered it under his breath in the shower... Son of a bitch.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren't my kids but he'd never fire a Mom of seven, right?
If I had a nickel for everytime I was 10 cents short for a beer, I'd have become an alcoholic.
Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment.
My wife and I decided to not have children. The kids are pretty upset.
I just drove in from a Transformers convention... ... and boy, are my arms tires!
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. You ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? *Then it's working*.
I asked a chinese girl for her number... I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
MEL GIBSON: HE'LL ONLY HIT YOU IF YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT. THAT'S THE MEL GIBSON PROMISE.
A Man Walks Into A Bar The other one ducks
Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.
Why don't you sleep with an 90 year old lady..... Have you ever tried to peel a grilled cheese apart?!?
A man and his pet owl go to the bar together They had a hoot.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they're talking about wine right?
Did you hear the Bill Clinton has given up the saxophone? He traded it for the hormonica.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
What do you call a hundred black men buried up to their necks in dirt? Afroturf
[First Date] Me: so can I see you again? Her: I had a nice time but I don't think so Me: *stops holding in stomach*
A large chunk of ice walks into a bar and places his order. "I'll take a whiskey on the rocks." The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't serve your kids."
The past, present, and future walks into a bar. It was tense.
What's the most annoying part about waking up to find a penis drawing on your face? Figuring out how to make it stop.
I've just been fired from my job at the clock-making factory... ...must have been all those extra hours I've been putting in.
I'm going to major in Philosophy when I go to college... ...so one day I can ask '*Why* do you want fries with that?'
Why is it illegal for a person living in Virginia to be buried in Texas? ...because they're still alive.
Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
Dont lie about your job, just word it better. Ex: "I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp" vs "I cashier at KFC"
I don't care what your bio says. You retweet me, it's not only an endorsement, it represents the views of your employer.
Why did the lawyer go to the tailor? He wanted a law-suit
Bill Cosby told me a funny joke last night. But I can't remember it.
What are an idiot's last words? Hey, watch this.
I went to see my doctor to get my prostate checked. He gave me the thumbs up.
Before phones were invented Were dick pics called junk mail?
Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds? Old habits die hard
What is Israel's favorite planet? Jewpiter
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents. Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
What do you call a gushing keyboard? sqwerty
How did alien defeat predator? "Hi, why don't you have a seat right over there please.."
I got fired from my job.. ..for being a pervert I don't understand why, though, I'm always hard at work.
How are AIDS researchers like Jews? There's a lot less of them than there used to be...
You want to know a ironic statement? My mom was a cancer and she was killed by a giant crab.
Women can split open our bodies & chuck living human beings out of our midsections so how about you go ahead & pay us as much as men.
Why did the cannibal get banned from the hospital? He kept trying the doctors patients(patience)
American Horror Story The Rise of Donald Trump.
How does a duck swim from one side of the pond to the other? Very Quackly
*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter* Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.
I once swallowed a piece of string and it came out tied. I shit you knot.
My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, so I started looking for some names... ...in the end I chose Juan Carlos and took the first flight to Spain.
What's the difference between a  general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have the other thinks you have what he treats.
BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle... Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.
Why was Selena Gomez suspended in elementary school? Because she couldn't keep her hands to herself.
"every family has that one huge weirdo" "NOT MY FAMILY!" I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday, for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".
On Fred's 17th birthday his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car the father said "Just one thing Fred. If you're going to hit anything make sure it's cheap."
So I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking.. We've just shot the pilot.
What do you call a vagina born on May 14th?... ... a CliTaurus
There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
God: make alcohol really fun Angel: haha ok God: but it makes them stupid Angel: i dont know if- God: and if they have too much they die
What my Doctor said... "Sugar kills more people than Cocaine" What I heard... "The next time you're craving Cake...Do some blow instead"
A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown: "Quack!"
How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend? Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?
Why's it called getting an abortion... Instead of razing your child?
This one time in high school I was called to the front of the class while I had hardest boner I ever had. It was the only time I thanked God for giving me a micro penis.
Bae: come over Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents. Bae: my parents aren't home. Me: I know. I just... You never listen Susan.
What does an elderly Mexican have? Senority
Trumps penis is so big... That on a (qwerty) keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z
There are three rings in marriage The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Can a ninja throw projectile weapons? Shuriken!
What do you call a Russian tree ? Dimitree
I cannot take my new pet cat seriously She's always kitten around
Q: What kind of snake is good at building things? A: A boa constructor.
A conversation with my 7 year old brother. "Look at all of these beautiful horse" "Horses" "Horse is already plural, isn't it?" "You're thinking of elk" "Holy mooses, you're right"
Today has me remembering my father's last words... Be right back.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico? He couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
[flashback to 1st date] *cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn Me: Popcorn? Her: No thanks. (Mom reaches from row behind) "I'll have some."
Why is North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un so ruthless? He doesn't have a Seoul.
What do niggers and twinkies have in common? You have to un-rap them before you can get to their delicious Kareem filling.
Why did the gold fish cross the road? To go to /r/antijokes
My grandpa is just like a plant. If you don't feed him, he'll die. Plus, he's super quiet when he's in the room watching you have sex.
Want to hear a joke???? Women's rights
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
I can't stand anti-semitic jokes Anne Frankly, I think no one should support them.
What do you call a scruffy lazy ant?  Decadant.
Did you here about the Jewish son who asked his father for $50? The father says - "40 dollars, what do you need 30 dollars for?"
Facebook account for sale, friends included.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
how did I escape iraq iran
Worst joke I've ever heard What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers? One of them actually ended a race.
What do you call an airline run by nazis? Aryan Air
Hit a cop car last night. The driver let me off with a warning..... "Anything you say can and will be used against you."
Why is Hillary running for president? Because it's easier than running from law enforcement
Straight Outta Compton left out Dr. Dreas history of abuse against women Because they didn't want to turn this drama film into a comedy!
When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.
Please don't advertise your "three-egg omelet." I want plausible deniability regarding how many eggs I am about to eat.
A 2007 study showed that for high school students graduating in the US, 4/3 did not know how to properly use fractions. It might be an outdated study though.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way, but his food will become a pizza history.
There's no such thing as a viral meme (pass it on)
When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
Have you seen www.tame.com? Yes but I'm not wild about it.
Yo' mama is so fat, when she walked by the TV I missed 3 episodes.
Why do mathematicians wear glasses? It helps improve division. [Thank you](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sting.ogg) folks, I will be here all week.
What should you use to make a boat explode? A weapon of mast destruction.
Vibrato: Used by fretless players to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Does anyone else's belt turn into a Rubik's cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?
What do you get if you combine a sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper.
How do you know you're at a gay BBQ? .. the hotdogs taste like shit.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you're a hero but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago... it would have been called PETA
The inventor of distorted mirrors has died. His funeral with be held in asymmetry.
just found out the sun can give you cancer?? WTF? why haven't we made the sun illegal yet???
two atoms are talking.. "Hey Bob, why the long face?" "I've just lost an electron." "What, are you sure?" "Yes..... I'm positive."
What do you call a Sailor's hitch in the arctic? Knot cool
when the character's name is the same as the actor's name I assume it's because the actor was too stupid to respond to his character's name
what gets wet as it dries? your sister
Just saw a spider scurry across the floor. It's too bad; I really liked living here.
What did Dodi Fayed say to his driver? Want to go out with me and Di tonight?
What's the difference between 6 million dollars and 6 million Jews? I give a fuck if you shove 6 million dollars in the oven
I know I'm getting old... the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels.
My first middle-school football game was just like the time i lost my virginity. Bloody and dirty, but at least my dad came.
Gotta be consistent about working under the influence so coworkers think you're naturally that weird
Why does 8 hate 7? Because 7 8 9
What did the Vagina say to the Anus? I'll meet you at the Taint.
Which computer sings the best? A Dell
I've always wanted to drown my troubles But I can never get my wife to go swimming
I hate finals week. Everyone gets testy.
"Echolocation, echolocation, echolocation!" -Dolphin realtor
What do blacks and bicycles have in common? They both require chains to work. (no offense to black people intended)
Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Brigham ! Brigham who ? Drigham back my sunshine back to me... !
I'm still in a state of total shock I mean the Cubs won the World Series
"Hey, my eyes are up here! LOL, just kidding, they're everywhere." - the government
Facebook told me my new password was too long... All I typed in was "My Dick".
Where do the stankass penguins live? Antfartica
My wife wanted me to go shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
Asian stereotypes: Samsung, Sony, Sanyo.
What do you call a Rhinoceros mixed with a Rooster? A horny cock.
A family walks into a hotel... The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies "It's just regular porn you sick fuck!"
How do you catch a polar bear? First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.
What do the NFL and Jail have in common? You go in as a Tight End and leave as a Wide Receiver.
His ex saw me and said, "I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder"... I said, "Guess so, but I Be Holdin' his hand!!!"
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
3 guys walk into a bar.... and the fourth guy ducks!
There once was a man from Peru, Whose limericks stopped at line two.
Why did the libertarian cross the road? None of your goddamn business. Am I being detained?
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar
A pickup like I thought of when i was younger. If I was a duck and you were a fish, and we were swimming in the same pond, what would that make me? On top of you.
So a Jewish boy walks up to his father... a Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks him for $5. His father responds: "$4? What do you need $3 for? Here's $2, split it with your brother."
Mars: I'm wet... NASA: I'm coming!
Real frogs call him Kermit The Fraud.
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I wasn't prepared for all the changes I'd have to make... ...like my name, phone number, job, city where I live...
What do you do when you're racist and all the immigrants exhaust you? You kip.
The Walking Dead. Or better known as The Running Living.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
My foot wants to interact with your face. 
Who built King Arthur's round table? Circumference
A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anatole ! Anatole who ? Anatole me you're a pain in the neck !
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a dead baby in your apple.
Aside from dying withing the same week what else did Steve Irwin and Peter Brock have in common? Their last moments were spent in wild fishtails.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.
What does the kid with no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
NSFW: Why would I not vote for Bernie Sanders Because he is BS.
Why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof? He wanted to make a big splash in front of his class.
There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.
What do Fall Out Boy say after titty-fucking their girlfriends? THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES!
What did the clock say to the other clock after she gave him a handjob? now give me a second hand job
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.
I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom
Operation Protective Edge was not about wearing condoms.
What is the difference between a baker baking a cake and a gynecologist giving an exam? A few degrees.
Say what you will about Clinton being a womanizer But Bush had the Twins go down on him.
Vanilla Ice should be President If there's a problem, yo, he'll solve it.
How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? only one but it takes him 5 episodes.
i got locked in the PBR factory over the weekend... i did what i had to do to survive and drank my own piss
Why is the new Zork game rated M for mature?? I guess it's too grue-some.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I just found the Wand of Transfiguration! This changes everything!
What do you call a Mexican melon? A cantelopez! Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.
Hi I'm with the salad police. If you happen to see or hear any suspicious activity regarding renegade vegetables in your local area Please lettuce know
Babies for dinner What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari? I don't have a ferrari in my garage!
Roses are Red - Good poem for your ex's Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo. Do not worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.
How do you tell the difference between a male chromosome and a female chromosome? You pull down their genes!
Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians! Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. So the bear says to the rabbit: "do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says no. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
A slang word for player is playa. Playa means beach. Beach sounds like bitch. Bitch ends like sandwich. Now I'm hungry and confused.
What U.S. state was founded by Muslims? Allah-bama
Man: How did you compromise with your wife? Husband: She came to me on her feet. Man: and what she said? Husband: i was down to bad and she said come out, i will not say you anything...
What do you call a dog with a lot of friends? Pawpular!
Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.
After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde. He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.
Why did the dentist vote for Trump? He likes to keep things white and straight.
Did you hear about the bear that fell into water and disappeared? He was polar.
What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.
Why do priests have you call them Father.. Because 'Daddy' was too obvious
Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror? Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too.
A dyslexis boss fired a man today. The court said it was first degree homicide. (Fired  fried)
The Golden Globes are like the Oscars produced by a former Soviet republic.
A child's purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
What do you get when cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars. She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
Everytime I have sex... It's really hands on.
Autocorrect doesn't recognize my gangsta nature.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If I was any hungrier Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would adopt me.
How do you confuse a polish laborer? Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist] Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t.... Me: I'm gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I went on a blind date once... ...her name was ....:::..... ::...:..:...:
What beverage does Bruce Lee like to drink? WAA-TAA!
Johnny sees that his dad has a black eye He asks him, "Dad, why do you have a black eye?" His dad replies, "You're gonna have two if your girlfriends keep leaving their panties in my car"
In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of "Noah" due to a flood in the movie theatre. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good.
I like my maths... ...how I like my sex: hard and fast. (difficult, but clear-cut)
How to propose a boy?
Why were the people in the twin towers mad? Because they ordered pepperoni, but all they got was plane.
I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30
My superpower is acting like I'm trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
What's the best way to get a fat chick to have sex with you? Whoops, wrong subreddit
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
What does an onion and a prostitute have in common? They give you really bad breath when you eat them.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle? Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
If you say "I don't feel good" and a pregnant woman says "Me neither," DO NOT respond with "Yeah, but you chose this for yourself..."
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she's wasting a great opportunity
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying. They don't bully people who'd throat punch em without thinking twice.
I'm not religious but I'm spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don't feel bad about shoplifting
My boss asked me why I'm late, apparently answering "because your wife wouldn't let me get out of bed" just gets you sent to HR.
Whats the difference between a joke and three dicks? Your mom cant take a joke.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
I said to my doctor... I said to my doctor, "Doctor, i just don't know what's wrong with me this week?" He said "Jim, you're a hypochondriac". I replied "Oh no, not that aswell!"
Itis sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her iI need attentioni Facebook picture.
How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers...
I was walking down the street with my wife and she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied, by text, from across the road.
You can't prove that I'm not the center of the universe.
A man takes his dog to the vet... The veterinarian asks what the dogs name is. The man replies "This is my boy, Rodger." The veterinarian then replies "Oh, so the mothers a bitch?"
hey girl are u from tennessee cause u have a tennessee accent and i have ur birth certificate here and it says ur from tennessee
What does Jimmy Buffett's chicken say? It's 5 o'cluck somewhere.
What's the difference between a penis and a sleeping bag? One you crawl in and the other crawls in you.
*walks in *wife is murdered *looks at mirror (Written in blood) YOUR NEXT "My next what? *from the closet "Oh sorry typo I meant you're.
How do you cheer up a brand new battery? Remind him that he's full of untapped potential!
Hear about the Jewish Game show? The Price is too high!
Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.
If I see another Robin Williams post... I am going to kill myself
Name the only animal that has An asshole in the middle of it's back. A police horse.
Why is your optometrist gay? They love people who can't see straight!
What does Ronda Rousey's opponents and myself have in common? We both barely last 14 seconds and leave our partners underwhelmed.
What do you call two black people bargaining on terms? A Negrotiation
That's disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow! Wipe it on Daddy's
Why isn't there a Wal-Mart in Iraq? ....because there is a target in every corner.
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag You can hide but you can't run
What is a toad's favorite kind of beer? One with a lot of hops.
What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out in the night without robin.^Sorry!
This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What's your name? What's your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the drivers window and asks "You drinkin'?" The driver said "You buyin'?"
Over the weekend, my girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said "Wow, that's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."
Sometimes I open my mouth and a dad joke falls out and we both just need to walk away from that and remember better times ok
I invented a new word today! Plagiarism.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman's parents. Fair is fair.
Why are Nazis such bad DJs? Because they dont get the difference between 33 and 45.
What's the difference between a woman and a nun in a bath? One has a soul full of hope and the other has a hole full of soap.
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
(Describing Guy Fieri to sketch artist): Literally a flaming hot cheeto
Why did the mushroom have so many friends? He was a fungi.
There's a new male porn star from India. His stage name is Deep Indar!
A Canadian version of Breaking Bad is in the works It'll be one episode long. Walt is diagnosed with cancer and receives treatment.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
In high school I hooked up with my teacher... She was really into me... I mean I was home schooled, but still!
Good dancer Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
I've never even come close to having someone at "Hello".
A fascist, a billionaire and a president walk into a bar... ...and he says "one beer please".
Found my first grey pubic hair last night. Just a shame it was in a kebab.
Going to prison I was just sentenced to twenty years for my part in a timeshare fraud.  I have to go to prison for two weeks every year for 10 years.
I can't imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I'm Canadian and I'm chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I'm praying they get laid
You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors? reptile disfunction
People in public restrooms don't really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
The other day, my girlfriend called me dumb for saying that toasters can swim. She was right, I am dumb. When I dropped it in her bath, it sank to the bottom.
Which ghost ate too much porridge?  Ghouldilocks.
I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day today. Just kidding, here's a reminder it's on May 10th.
Why did the cautious gambler never go camping? He didn't want to stake his tent.
I had a friend who had a fear of flying. I told him that statistically, the modern airplane is more afraid of us than we are of it.
*at a loud house party* Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I'D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER
I celebrated 4/20 on January 5th. I know how to reduce fractions.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well-hung.
I love cooking with wine Sometimes I even put it in the food.
What are red heads good for? Lighting fires.
How do you top a car? tep on the brake, tupid!
How much poutine was left after the hockey game? Nunavet
I admit I once used the n-word when someone asked me to go to a Kenny Chesney concert. But that n-word was, "No."
Just thought of this burn Your dick is so small, when you piss it sounds like Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff.
Have you heard about the new emo-punk band taking Mexico by storm? They're called *Hispanic! At the Disco*.
What is green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree might kill you? A pool table.
What's white and smells like black paint? White paint
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
I always looked up to my Grandad... I especially remember his last words. Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!!!
NASA confirmed that, in the end of the afternoon of day 21, the skies are going to be very dark. It's a phenomenon called "Night".
NALA: Why can't you be the king I know? The king you have inside you? SIMBA: That doesn't make sense. I think I'd remember if I ate a king.
A handsome man walks into a bar and an ugly woman approaches him... all our servers are busy right now please try again in a minute (error code: 503)
adam sandler's wife is madam sandler
3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field? Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.
There hasn't been a "final" fantasy
My brother wanted me to watch his kid So I spent HOURS and HOURS childproofing my house. Wouldn't you know it? That fucker still got in.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
What do you call a farting Russian? Vladimir Putin ~ You can thank my 65 year old grandfather for this
What is the difference between 2 dicks, and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
The new and best Rock band Iron Gaben
I saw my calculator hitting on someone the other day. He's a real casionova
Why is K-pop the best genre of music? It has Seoul.
Paedophiles are a myth paedophiles are a myth and ya nan is a terrorist.
What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? Tire-less
What do you call a psychic little person on the lam? A small medium at large
What did the metric alien say ? Take me to your litre !
What is the difference between a parrot saying "E equals M C squared" and most people saying it? Nothing.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.
What do you call a felon who enjoys getting zapped and has a go-to attitude? A con-do-it!
What's the difference between three Cocks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad ? It became a daddy short legs !
What does a Mon Calamari terrorist say? Allahu Ackbar!
What's it called when Hobbits build houses for other Hobbits? Hobbitat for Humanity
Her: The laundry pods are missing! Me: Oh really? H: Did you eat them again? M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why? H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists? Because they make the best beets.
For Halloween I'll give a girl a purple Yu-hi-oh card and a crown.. So she can be my trap queen.
I know I have a great ass Because I was talking to a girl the other day and when I walked away she said "What an ass!"
They say you shouldn't smoke or drink when pregnant. I disagree. Best give it a shot before you splash out on another abortion. Besides there are only so much hangers in the world.
I heard it's a good night to see the Perseid meteor shower . . . . . . but I haven't heard how it got dirty.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
"My mother made me a whore." To which someone replied: "If I supply the yarn will she make me one?" -From *All That You Love Will Be Carried Away*
I found a bug in Madden 2015 I sacked Tony Romo, and he didn't break his collarbone.
I hate two types of people... haters and hypocrites.
If I were the Town Mayor, I would rename our bridge "The Influence." ... Then I would direct the police to pull over and ticket everyone driving under The Influence.
If eye fucking is a thing, my husband probably has opthalmic herpes from Haley at the burrito store.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a bowling alley? Elaine
What's the difference between jam and jelly? [NSFW] You can't jelly your cock into a baby's ass
My grandfather always said: "Don't look after your money, look after your health" Once I was looking after my health and someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
where do they send jewish kids that have have adhd? concentration camp
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home
What's the definition of 'vagina'? The box the penis comes in!
When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!! ha ha ha
I was seeing a girl once ...until my binoculars broke
What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator? An elevator can raise a family I'll just see myself out.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry made it out of the chamber.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I'm live tweeting "The Walking Dead." Wife: Me: Everything isn't about you.
"Keep pumping until something happens." -Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I've understood.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a  ghost? Bamboo.
Why didn't the tree get any presents for Christmas? He was knotty.
Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?  A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
Why were there only 1,000 Mexicans at the Alamo? they only had 2 trucks
I have OCD and ADHD... So everything has to be just right, but only for a little while.
No, PSA, buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.
Did you hear about the stupid water-polo player? His horse drowned . . .
My Abuela voted for the first time yesterday morning! And for the last time a few hours ago.
Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump... .
Why did the 3d modeler need back surgery? He injured his spline!
The easiest way to confuse a woman is to give her a choice.
Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her
What is Donald Trump's favourite Overwatch hero? Mei, because she's from China and likes to build walls.
Boss: Are you done with those reports yet? Me: Can you stop hovering over me? Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack] Me: Much better.
Have you seen the movie - Constipated? No? Why? Cause it hasn't come out yet!
What did the duck say after it split the atom ? Quark ! Quark !
You know what they say about banging on a camping trip... ...it's in tents!
What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say? Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?
At what age are musicians the loudest? Forte
I'd want a burglar to break into my house, I'll help them look for money.
Don't model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.
If you use the word "ridonkulous" or "ginormous," chances are you're a retardiot.
How to make your wife take care while driving? Tell her that if she meets with a serious accident, the newspaper will have to print her age.
In blind taste tests, most consumers couldn't tell if a person was blind by tasting them.
Nostalgia Critic Quote "People may die, but stupid is forever."   -Nostalgia Critic
My sense of humor is a little crazy But the dragon rises into the potassium nitrate milkshake at sundown. It's a good day to be a helicopter.
Why did the chicken cross the road? The aristocrats.
What's the difference between a homeless man's testicle and a shot of lidocaine in the ass? One is a bum nut and the other is a numb butt
I was doing my online shopping the other day and bought one hundred bottles of tipex. I made a really big mistake!
My Dyslexic Ex Was So Stupid... She thought she couldn't get pregnant after she got a DUI.
Trump for President 2016 Right, guys?
Two cannibals are eating a clown One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?" The other one replies "Yeah, it kinda does." Two days later they both died of food poisoning.
-hey don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger! -oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Did you hear about the two ducks who got in a fight? Fowl play was suspected.
Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I. Only a few came out
People say that I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I'm driving, it's an Asian person.
chinese name joke what do you call a drunk chinese schoolgirl? sum yung fun.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I'm opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Earlier today, scientists made it official that dolphins are second only to men when it comes to intelligence. So that pushes women further down to third place?
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? We better get some support soon or people will think we're nuts
PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away "surrounded by family," do you picture murder, or suicide?
sorry to bodyshame, but ferrets have no business being that long
What's Brown and Rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
What spins really fast, then gets shot by zookeepers? Harambeyblades . . . . This might be the stupidest fucking joke I've written in months.
Look into a dog's eyes while it's pooping and you'll understand Nietzsche.
I can't stand Russian Dolls... They're always so full of themselves!
Did you know John Travolta's home has an airport in it? Too bad, he got the bomb detecting dogs about 7 movies too late.
so a Gorilla a Mother and a Child walk into a bar The Gorilla took a shot, the mum got arrested for child endangerment
Ordered a Book on Female Orgasms. It hasn't come till now.
knife on a date When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Why did the redneck high school cancel driver's ed class? They needed the car for sex ed.
How does Princess Leia masturbate? Hand Solo
What did the parrot say when he was using the  Internet? P.Cs of eight P.Cs of eight.
Why can't you hear rabbits have sex? because they have cotton balls.
One of the funniest vampire jokes ever! Never mind, it sucks.
A man and a boy went into the woods at night... ... the boy says to the man, "it's scary out here." The man then replied, "You think you're scared, I gotta walk out of here alone!"
Caught my co-worker MICROWAVING a HOT DOG with a SLICE of AMERICAN CHEESE on it. Don't worry I pushed him out a window.
Whenever someone says "Let's kill two birds with one stone", I wonder what they did wrong. Probably some kind of religious violation.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.
16 sodiums walk into a bar followed by Bruce Wayne Nananananananananananananananana BATMAN! Edit: added two na
OUT OF ALL THE BIKES ON THIS BIKE RACK, THIS ONE'S SEAT DEFINITELY SMELLS THE WORST.
How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3/5
If a bro works out but doesn't see himself in a mirror, does the bro really work out?
Definition of embarassment The definition of embarassment is when you walk into a wall with a full erection and hit your nose first
Gay Irishmen Did you hear about the first gay Irish couple? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
Do you know the Pistorious drinking game? Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.
Why do tennis players never get married? Because Love means nothing to them.
I've only heard the setup for this joke, anybody know the rest? A Jew and a Pollock are in a rainstorm... That's all I know and I've been dying to find out the rest. Anybody have any ideas?
There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
I wanted to tell you this great Ebola joke. You probably won't get it.
My 8 told me he likes Skillrex because it sounds like what Transformers would sound like if they quit saving the world and formed a band.
What did Abraham Lincoln say after recovering from a 3-day drinking binge? *"I set* ***who*** *free?"*
A fish asked a lobster why he gets boiled alive The lobster replied "your face looks boiled" The fish says "I guess you can't be roasted"
What do you call a Mexican fighting a priest? Alien vs. Predator
Well it's that time of year again when the 80 a week I invest in child maintenance finally pays off by providing me with a pair of fucking socks.
What's the gayest way to die? Prince died from the flu ... Theraflu?
I bet the kids who TP'd my yard last night and didn't know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I just rinsed with mouthwash to cover up the m&ms on my breath. Being an adult is stupid.
What do you call a guy who's rolling around in the grass early in the morning? Dewy
Why is it better to hire fifty $20 hookers rather than a single $1000 escort? More poorgasms
My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up
Don't you hate it when you're peeing and someone starts talking to you? It's like, keep your mouth open or it all goes to waste.
I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I'm broke, but still a little fancy.
A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns. Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool.
The Karate Kid grew up to be The Karate Man and now he's the Pizza Hut delivery guy with a ponytail who tries to talk to you about swords.
Why can't dormant volcanoes erupt? They have eruptile dysfunction
my friend's apartment building burned down so he's at his parents' and he still won't hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Txt from wife: where r u Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat M: I mean garage W:bring in laundry M:bathroom W:clean toilet M: Idaho W:get potatos
Tomorrow I'll go to the orphanage... ... and beat up some children. I mean, what would they do? Tell their parents?
The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
Doctor: "The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions." Me: "Okay, I'm ready." Doctor: "You're not a cat."
Know how I upset my balcony? I couldn't make it to the bathroom.
True love is when your pet comes to your room on its own.
King Arthur's birthday party at the round table. King Arthur looked down at the pastries and asked "Are these all Cake?" "Two are pie" replied Sir Cumference
My Ex girlfriend works in a pharmacy, so whenever I want to spoil her mood I'll just go there to buy condom for no reason. Sometimes I'll go 3 times a day...
What's the best way to cheer on an electrician? You con-du-it!!!
I'LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY. ... "...Ma'am, this is a preschool..."
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord BRB - Burn Religious Books TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Game of Thrones The only porn you DO watch for the plot
I just play poker so I can say I'm going all in without smirking.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.
What do you call a man with one arm? Hand Solo
What is "Paulie" Pennino's favorite restaurant? Red Robin... Ya Bum
Where does Phil Collins record all of his music? The stu-stu-studio.
I ran over my cat with a lawnmower. I guess you could say I tore that pussy up.
Nobody ever sneezes in movies.
Apple said they are building a new car. Apple said they are building a new car but they are having trouble installing windows.
With all this talk of making Puerto Rico the 51st state, I think we should find 2 more to make 53. One nation, indivisible.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
NASA recently confirmed what I've always suspected ...even Mars has more flow than Kanye West.
"Is Phil coming tonight?" "Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?" *suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
As an artist, I'm not comfortable drawing people's butts. You gotta draw the line somewhere..
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my  questions ? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !
Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the Asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.
What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.
When someone I don't know likes one of my statuses I think, "Will this be the story we tell our grandkids?"
In "Beantown" for the night. I expected more burritos.
What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu? a flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.
The first rule of crossword club is (3,2,3,4,5,9,4)
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro cinco.
Any crime sounds better if you add the word "silly" to it: "silly murder," "silly rape," etc.
I can't play music in piano; I guess you could say it's not my forte.
Man: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Man: "Then why did you tell me?"
What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee
Why did the snowman pull down his pants? Because he saw the snowblower coming
My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?" I said I'd take either/oar.
It's hard to find and ginger colored shoes. Probably because they haven't got any soles
What do you call an exercise group run by Jesus Christ? Crossfit.
Today is national suicide prevention day.. so remember.. If you see any suicide bombers...... Shoot them.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Legos Are Like Boobs They're meant for the kids, but the dad ends up playing with them.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
Two snare drums and a cymbol fall off a cliff... Ba-dum tchh!
Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.
The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you use them, the soggier your cereal gets.
How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
I heard 9/10 Redditors are dumb... I'm so glad to be part of the 1%
Why are there no Jews on Jupiter? Because it's a gas planet.
You're all a bunch of racist motherfuckers.. The correct term is African-American Friday.
"Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There's Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!" --dogs
My girlfriend caught me masturbating to Michael Jackson. She asked what I was doing I told her to beat it.
"911 what's your em-" STAMPEDE "slow down sir" IN THE GORGE "sir I'm gonna need you t-" SIMBAS DOWN THERE
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Yep, we're the minority around here when we have the only Wi-Fi network name written in English in the entire neighborhood.
How do make a gay guy fuck a woman? How do you make a gay guy fuck a woman? - Shit in her cunt.
Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf.
My daughter's favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he'll have a wife.
What do frogs do when they are depressed? They Kermit suicide.
Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why do artists die early in life? Too many strokes.
I don't use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Hay gurl are you a gorilla enclosure? Cause' I wanna drop a kid in you.
A C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"
It's too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.
Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.
What do you get if you cross an eagle with a skunk? A bird that stinks to high heaven.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade!
Have you heard the latest by Lady Marmalade and the Pectin Pack? Oh wait, I forgot you don't like jam bands
What if god made periods to remind us to have anal sex at least once a month?
The "free milkshakes for a month" contest I just won is telling me my month's supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month...
I was in a bank yesterday and all the money just floated out the door by itself. It was a polterheist.
I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.
[NSFW] If you can only say nigger if you're black I guess I'm black now?
Dad got me the other day... Me: I can't sleep... I'm just going to stay up for a bit... Dad: What do you mean you can't sleep? It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close! Me: *walks away*
No son, you can't go out with your friends. Tonight we're installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Who is the best underwater Transformer? Octopus Prime!
Did you hear about the hipster with heatstroke? He got it before it was cool.
What was Hitler's favorite baking ingredient? White flour!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, "I wouldn't normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card."
Do you know why ants are so healthy? Because they have little antibodies...
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself ............I'm gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven  legs walked into a tailors shop. 'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!'
Synonym is just another word for a word that means the same thing as another word.
Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
It's a shame Jerry Hall never got it on with Vidal Sassoon Then she'd have completed rock, paper and scissors.
Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...
After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired. Adios, amigo.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure? The back of her head.
Dance like nobody's watching. Because nobody is. Who do you think you are, Baryshnikov? Get over yourself.
I signed up for an online culinary school. I still can't cook, but I made cookies!
I was thinking about going as a band-aid for Halloween... But I decided against it. It would be too hard to pull off.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks? SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast ME: *shows up four hours later* INTERVIEWER: you're hired
*gets taste of own medicine* Yep this is my medicine
I don't know why I have to jog with you, you're the fat one. ~Dogs
What do I do if my bank won't take my blood covered cash? Launder it. Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/38kmj9/what_do_i_do_if_the_bank_wont_take_my/crwbpxe
What does a necrophiliac say to confess his love for someone? "You're dead to me"
Airport receptionist: anything to declare? Me: how bout these guns? *flexes* Her: OH GOD HE'S GOT GUNS! Me: wait.. I was.. Her: HELP!! AGH!
Now a days saving your virginity for someone "special" is like holding a dump to wait for a special toilet
What is Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite kind of jacket? A Pullover!
Have you seen the new Broadway production about the dictionary? It's a great play on words.
It's not that hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart. One will see you after a while, and the other will see you later.
What do you call the sweat between two rednecks making love? Relative humidity.
Some vampires went to see Dracula. They said "Drac we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?" "Yes" replied Dracula "have lots of giraffes."
They say you can find out what kind of person someone is by the porn they watch... ...turns out I'm a lesbian.
Sir your resume is just a list of songs you can play in Guitar Hero on expert "yea" Even trogdor? "fo sho" Alright, welcome to Led Zeppelin
Q: How many racists does it take to change a white bulb oops sorry can I start over
An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying "good boy."
Old Navy is like my weird friend from third grade. Like, I know we used to be really close, but if you asked me if I knew him I'd say no.
What did one testicle say to the other? "Hey I hear your neighbor's a real dick"
What two things do prostitutes make? Hormones and hormones
When does a tree want less? When it's sycamore.
5 years ago, I asked this beautiful woman if she would go to dinner with me. Last spring, I asked her to be my wife. Both times she said no.
My fave pickup line as a gay man... Hey, are you a vital organ? Because I don't think I can live without you inside of me.
Cheesy joke Cheddar
If you were playing a drinking game where you took a sip every time they said "Lebron," you'd die.
Hey, what's the difference between reddit and LOTR? In the books and movies, the trolls didn't type.
HER: I'm leaving you ME: But why? HER: There's just no chemistry between us anymore CHEMISTRY: Wow, I'm like right here
Silver and Lead are sitting in a bar when Gold walks in ... Silver yells "AU get outta here"
My Friend said her ovaries hurt I told her she was Ovary-acting.
"Just spots" "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Did you ever see a doctor?" "No, just spots."
Superbowl Champion Minnesota Vikings
I like coffee like I like slaves. Free
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.
I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup. Luckliy it was only a virus.
I am a janitor... They call me Dwayne "The Smock" Johnson.
I'm seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
How come I was wide awake while watching the Wall Street sewuel CAUSE MONEY NEVER SLEEPS!!!
How do blind people know they're finished wiping after a bowel movement? They taste blood on the TP.
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking its own nuts... First guy says, "I wish I could do that" The other replies, "you should try petting him first"
What does the blind man say when he passes the fish market? Good morning, ladies!
What would I be if I were twice myself? a meme.
Asked my friend when the finals would end. "Finals never finalize."
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
I asked a pregnant woman what cup size she was. She said 500ml.
I love throwing house warming parties But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.
So there's a child and a gorilla... Well there WAS a gorilla.
What was James Bond after he slept through an earthquake? Shaken, not stirred.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.
What color were Hitler's walls? Jewish Red
Teach a man to build a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for a lifetime.
What do you call a gay dinosaur Trannyosaurus Rex
This is my favorite least offensive offensive joke Which football player gets the most wedgies? The tight ends.
Disappointment a woman, after a long search on the internet, found out that "PHILLIPS 14 INCH" was actually a T.V
TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
Form Corbas En hassas ogunumuz olan Aksam Yemegi bize daha cok agrlk veren ve kilo aldrma ihtimalini en yuksek buldugumuz ogundur.
*going through mail* "bills bills bills bills bills" "I think I'll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine."
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer Joined Forces They would become alloys
Commonwealth Games: Building unrealistic goals and dreams for British athletes going to the olympics since 1930.
Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.
Tree men walk into a bar They order root beer and leaf before paying.
What do graphic designers smoke up to get high? Adobe.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Not zri, but fuehrer.
Here's a joke for all you Game of Thrones fans. One day Bran walks into a bar.
i've just bought an english snake. Sir Pent
When you pass gas loudly in a crowded room, everyone should applaud... That takes some guts.
Japanese soccer. 'Murica, fuck yeah!
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar... ...and the bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
Call me self-indulgent, but I only stay in motels that advertise "color TV" and "air-conditioning" on their sign out front.
No one will play my mix tape... They say it's a fire hazard.
some terrible part of me is perpetually close to just making and selling artisinal customized tamagotchis & bein real pretentious about it
The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days? Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES! This can be taken in two ways and both are correct.
Did you see the article about Apple buying large, popular websites? Yeah, iReddit.
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? She had no arms or legs.
[Personal ad] Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker's cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.
What is red and hangs around trees? A baby hit by a snow blower
What do you call the gay couple who are both named Bob? Oral Roberts!
Sex with me is like a German opera... Not really sure what's going on, and it ends with a fat chick shouting really loudly.
What happens if you plug your electric blanket into the toaster? You pop up all night.
What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?
I'm thinking about getting a Prince Albert... Do you have any tips?
Pizza is like sex I only get it from Papa John
What I hated the most in Facebook? . . . . . . . See more
Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.
Guys, don't let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren't wearing them probably don't want to talk to you either
Communicating with Cattle by I. Ken Mooue
The blond girl and the car What did the blond girl say when she saw the car? Answer: That's the lost one right there.
What is white and interferes with the meal? An avalanche.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE.... it stopped. OMG IT'S STARTING AGAIN AND... nvrmind. HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE...its gone. - Snow globe, the story.
What do you call a black Eskimo dog ? A dusky husky !
I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"
I imagine Jesus' first few attempts at walking on water to be little more than a frantic run and belly flop
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest... ... and an e-cigarette-puffing GI Joe Action Figure collector? Well, one is a toy-loving vapist...
Life is a lot like a game of golf... Too many strokes and you loose.
Isis has hidden bombs inside alphabet spaghettios. If they go off they could spell disaster.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little.
You know what gives me the shits? The digestive system
How can you tell when an auto mechanic jus had sext One of his fingers is clean!!
What do you call a Nun that has a sex change operation? A Transistor
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. #badpickupline
Truth in advertising #1: Burger King- Your actually having it our way, and our way consists of making you fat.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient. Ex: Please die ;)
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker. Me:He was much better at fighting than me. Police:Ok is there anything else?
If only Africa had more mosquito nets... ...then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids. - Jimmy Carr
NSFW - What do arrogant pricks and tampons have in common? ... They are both stuck up cunts.
people say I'm a narcissist.. I don't think there's anything wrong with me.
A magician was walking down the street ...and turned into a grocery store.
Bert and Ernie Bert asked Ernie if he would like any ice cream. Ernie replied "Sure Bert"
If I wake up early, it's only because there are a lot of things I want to eat that day.
How do you know your sister's having her period? Your dad's dick tastes weird.
When Kurt Cobain was a child... When Kurt Cobain was a child, his mother told him not to play with guns. I suppose that went in one ear and out the other.
Always check the height of any nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders.... How I learned this is not important...
Some days you're just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really good at it.
What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier? Women.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
What's long, straight, and found between a pair of legs? The hypotenuse.
What's the difference between chocolate and a dead hooker? You can feed one to your dog
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined
What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city? Nadasaki
Stuff I think about... I've often wondered what would happen if a Schizophrenic took a multi-vitamin. I have many more of these posers I may or may not post....
I warn you not to mess with me! I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiujitsu and 22 other japanese words.
How can you tell if your dog is gay? If he's sucking another dogs dick in the back of a gay dog night club.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The scariest Halloween costume this year will be 'sexy' Kim Davis... Glasses, Crystal Gayle wig, and an ugly blue jumper with nothing underneath.
"I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons..." "What will you do with a million watermelons?" "I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."
What are the level differences between nannies? Answer: the A level nannies suggest leafy vegetables... But the B nannies force kale.
You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check
What's the definition of "Trust"? Two cannibals giving each other head
What idiot called it a driver's test and not a Game of Cones?
JPP is a "oser" (holds middle, ring and pinky fingers to forehead).
How does Frodo make his own food? Through Frodosynthesis
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Tried to sign up to a website the other day... I put my password as "beef stew" It said password not stroganoff.
I needed a password 8 characters long .. .. so I used Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Q: What do you call a fish with three eyes? A: Fiiish.
I've been shoveling manure all day So don't give me any bullshit.
I met a Spanish man with a Rubber toe......his name was Roberto
Taking a picture of your meal before you eat is the new "saying grace."
Why did the farmer name his pig ink? Because he kept running out of the pen...
Beastiality is wrong. Neigh means neigh.
I kiss my wife daily Vishnu - I kiss my wife daily before i go to office Venkat - I kiss ur wife after u go to office Vishnu - But I am first who kissed her :)
[at aquarium] "Kids, the blowfish is named bc of its cheeks" BLOWFISH: [taps glass] actually that's a common misconception, got any cocaine?
My wife and I have lists for people we'd make exceptions for... I have one for midgets but it's a small list.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Apple Stock Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China
A time traveling pharaoh and a modern Jewish man discuss religions When the man says he is Jewish the pharaoh responds "I absolutely love Jews. I own 40,000 of them!"
Girl, if you don't stop touching my crotch,... ...you might feel a small prick.
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Why wasnt there any blacks in the flintstones? Because they were still monkeys.
Roses are red, voilets are blue, Where is my foreskin? Oh wait im a jew.
What do you call a wet poodle A puddle
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal? Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.
Why does North Korea have the highest literacy rate? Because Kim Jong-un is supreme reader!
Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ? Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. *(I'm sorry)*
Guy says to a girl, please give me a... ....blowjob." The girl says, "can't you be more romantic?" So the guy says, "ok, give me a blowjob in the rain."
I broke up with my girlfriend because she was spending too much time playing computer games. Her Minesweeper addiction was a big red flag.
What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? A pilot... You fucking racist
I know this great knock knock joke.. But you have to start it. Go ahead.
I saw a movie trailer about 30 trapped chillean miners... Apparently Jared from subway had a stash... (I'm so sorry about this, I just thought of it and needed to get it out)
What happened to the ghost who couldn't scare? He had to join a support group since he couldn't handle his boos.
Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?  A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.
What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.
Don't you hate it when... you spend thirty minutes searching for a video, only to close it two minutes later.
Something I don't think we're doing nearly enough of as a society is building giant mysterious structures to confuse future archaeologists
What do you call an internet cafe in Russia? A cyberian cafe.
Congratulations. You're 18. On a list of 20 people that I want to kill.
Apparently, it's frowned upon to walk up to two police officers and ask "what are you douchebags up to?"
God made them God made the little niggers, he made them at night. He made them in a hurry and forgot to make them White.
How do Jamaicans pronounce bacon? The same way British people pronounce beer can.
NURSE: She's in a coma. She's been on hungerstrike [boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself] PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
I don't want to lock my account because I like to help my X's feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I'm still a drunk.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
[orchestra] VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question? VIOLIN 2: Um, okay. V1: What's up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person's shoe laces together. It's not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Did you hear about the Roman who got a C in Math? He got a perfect score!
The best thing about having a penis... is sharing it with people who don't.
Do you have cotton balls? "Yes" "Do they tickle when you walk?"
What did the dog do with the history professor? They got together and talked over old times.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Two mice chewing on a film roll One of them goes, "I think the book was better"
What did the ocean say? Nothing, he just waved.
Don't waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide..... no one ever brings them back.
My friend cooled himself to absolute zero... he's 0K now.
The necrophiliac thought she was sleeping with a dead body But then he came to.
My computer is a nympho at night Because any little touch turns it on
Which rapist was a famous mathematician? Bill cos(b)
i'm reading this thesaurus. it's really interesting, or should i say... very interesting.
My niece said she COLORED a picture for me. Uh you mean you Africian Americaned a picture? Geez Confederate General, when's the klan rally?
Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia? Because he was Snowd en! (according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)
I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, "Get dressed and grab your gun -- they found him."
Just returned from my Friends Funeral. He died from being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Just because I've lost my mind doesn't mean I'm looking for it.
Dawn's coming over. "Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?" *Dawn walks in* "WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the lady I'm framing for murder.
Q: Why do girls like guys who wear shirts with eight buttons? A: They fascinate.
What do you call a fat North Korean? Supreme Leader.
Just found out bears don't hug to be friendly, but because they want to eat you :(
How do you know that Hindu woman is into you? Her diode starts flashing green.
What's the difference between England and a teabag? The teabag stays in the cup longer.
During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line. Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotofpuss.
What do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee chord? My ass.
What did Salt 'N' Pepa say to the nosey chemist? "It's none of your Bismuth!" Sorry.
If you don't want to play with me I'll just play with myself! - Overheard in 2nd grade today... Me too kid, me too.
How do you get a polar bear in the water? First, you cut a hole in the ice, then you sprinkle some pees around the hole. When the polar bear goes to take a pee, you kick him in the ice hole!
I started this class on the weekend that teaches you how to make ice cream... Sundae School.
In Britain, Brexit means Brexit... and Trump means fart.
What white actor is going to play Prince in his bio pic? Peter Dinklige
There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary and those who don't
Patient: Tell me honestly how am I?  Dentist: Your teeth are fine but your gums will have to come out.
Hey, hip hop artists. Would it kill you to throw in a few rhymes about raisin toast or farmers' markets?
Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, Tweet like the NSA doesn't exist.
Why didn't the girl cross the street? She didn't have the balls
Q: What type of monster really loves dance music? A: The boogieman.
Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.
What do you call 500 old white guys chasing a black man with clubs? The PGA tour.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I'll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I was gonna make a gay joke... Butt fuck it.
How do you make your wife a dildo? Stick her fingers up your butt.
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. The kangaroo says, At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand.
When ever someone asks me how I'm able to insult people so well..... I say "I'm German, roasting people is what I do..."
The man who invented clickbait has died. You'll never guess when his funeral is...
*A group of cannibals eating a pie* This is amazing, what did you do different? "Well, I used fresh Barry's"
Did you hear that Mariah Carey's producers asked when the ball would be dropped last night? Because it seemed to happen around 11:41
What do gynecologists and pizza delivery drivers have in common? They're close enough to smell it, but can't have a taste.
[Dirty] A man goes to a hooker... A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What did you expect for $10? Lobsters ?"
At what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tenish.
i am asking my dad "Dad you look tired." "Oh, you mean the dark circles under my eyes? Those are the shadows of my great deeds."
The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down..." "Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!" "Because my arms are getting tired." he said.
Parenting is all about wanting to say, "No one cares, honey" 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.
What do you call a bat in a hurry? A racing club
making cookies? be sure to save some of the dough so you can start gorging while they're baking
What's the difference between writing your will and owning an ant farm? One's a legacy, the other a sea of legs.
There is no such thing as a fear of flying... But a fear of falling on the other hand....
Me: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: I don't drink. Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
TIL You can stimulate your prostate outside just get out there and do it.
The first rule of flight club is.. ..turn the airplane on. &amp; you should probably learn how to read.
"It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!" "Nope." "A spider? An aardvark?" "Wrong. It's a horse." "Wow. You can't draw for shit."
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
TSA: We'll treat all of you like the terrorists we accidentally let on our planes.
What separates man from animal? Divorce.
Once I had completed my final exam, my professor told me to turn it in to one of the teaching assistants. Good thing I have been practicing my origami.
"If you're having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son." -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it's a boy.
What's the most popular song at the new Freddie Mercury night club? Dancing Queen.
What did the tsundere degree say to the radian? "Notice me 10"
Why does Santa Claus have a such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.
I'm rubber, you're glue. I'm destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Women are like electrons Always trying to latch onto some Adam for a free ride
I took a picture of the fog with my new iPhone 7.... iMist
A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that  evening the boy called out sulkily ' Mum ! your husband's just come  home.'
I don't know. "Hairy ass" makes me sound kinda edgy but "fuzzy bum" is more family friendly. It's a tough call. Resumes are tricky.
hy haven't you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they're really, really good at it.
Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, "You must be heartbroken. I can't believe Justin Bieber died so young!"
Counting Crows #GoodBandNameBadFirstDate
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Homeless Barbie ...complete with stolen K-Mart shopping  cart
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer
INTERVIEWER: You put "summoning demons" as a special skill? ME: That's right. INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Global warming is partially bullshit. About 18% http://www.fao.org/ag/magazine/0612sp1.htm
Why did the chicken cross the road? Just kidding I'm not going to be that guy
A guy finds a genie... He says "I wish I was better at talking to women." "Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"
2Pac - Lyric King, Eazy - Gangsta King, Biggie: Flow King Dre: Beat King Eminem: Rhyme King, Lil Wayne &amp; Jay - Z - ..... Burger King
Why did the chicken cross the road? .... because Bernie Sanders challenged him to a debate about the future of America.
When you're feeling down just remember you are unique Just like everyone else
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I had a joke about bones... I cant remember the punchline but i remember it was really humerous
LE NEW JOKE??? AWWW YEHP
Did you hear about the truck full of sugar that collided with the truck full of strawberries? Created one hell of a jam.
If a 99lb woman ate one pound of nachos... Does that make her 1% nacho?
Alphabet Soup I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Give a man a plane ticket... Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life. First post sorry if its a repost
I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped. ... My uncle doesn't fuck around when he plays Monopoly.
I get myself into less trouble when I've got a character limit.
This blind guy walks into a fish store... This blind guy walks into a fish store He turns to his buddy, "wow so many chicks"
Me: Im still mad at you for last night Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Chickens making knock knock jokes. -Why did the chicken cross the road? -Are you kidding me? -To get to the ugly witches house. Knock, knock. -Who's there? -The chicken.
A Buddhist goes to the hot dog vendor... And says, "Make me one with everything." Giving him a fifty, the Buddhist asks for the change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
BLIND KIDS: Lady Gaga looks like what a chicken sounds like.
I used to steal funny jokes I still do, but I used to, too.
Why aren't there any baby Transformers? Because Auto-Bots pull out!
Your mama is so ugly that... when she has sexual relations with an animal, it's not beastiality, it's animal cruelty.
You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.
B:You can never be possessed by any demonic beings. G:Why? Is it because I am very religious? B:No! Its because you are always so salty
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I used to talk to my cat, but I stopped, because my dog told me I was crazy.
I asked the cashier for a kitkat chunky She turned around and selected a kitkat chunky from the shelf and then handed it to me. I replied: "I wanted a regular kitkat you fat bitch."
I went to the doctor for a checkup. A friend asked "Which doctor?" I replied "No, a medical one."
Don't be a racist! Be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican. Oh and he jumps like a Black man and grabs coins like a Jew.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
How do you make a rave party in Africa? You stick a piece of bread on the ceiling.
A horse walks into a bar The bartender says why the long face. The horse says "I finally realise that my alcoholism is driving my family apart"
What's the best thing to say if a pizzaman does an AMA? OP delivers.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you're making.
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat. The first two nuns each had a stroke. The third nun couldn't reach.
How did realism get me banned from Facebook? I sided with cancer on the "Kids VS Cancer" page.
Did ya hear about the cannibal lion with a huge ego? He had to swallow his pride
2010: Didn't jog 2011: Didn't jog 2012: Didn't jog 2013: Didn't jog 2014: Haven't jogged ~ This is a running joke
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: I'm stuck on you.
I'm constantly pretending I know what people are talking about.
When your mom is mad at you and finds anything to throw at you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_75cA3xmssM
Last night, I dreamt I slept with a co-worker. (sfw) It was just as I imagined....
Dear media: There's nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.
POKER ANIMALS Q: What animal should you never play cards with? A: A cheetah!
a misunderstanding teacher to class: can anyone use the word fascinate in a sentence? little johnny: my sister has ten buttons on her shirt but she can only fasten eight
what ya doing... your mum
Life hack for driving Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.
Why does your blood rush to your head when you're upside down but not to your feet when you're right side up? Your feet aren't empty.
hey dudes who go through my Instagram and only like my hot pictures I can't wait to establish a long committed relationship with you
How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes
How accurate is the bible? Very!! Especially when thrown from a short distance...hits the target almost always.
Enhanced interrogation idea: If waterboarding isn't working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.
How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night? He used a skeleton key.
Every time I use Twitter secretly at work and a colleague asks me why I'm laughing, "this pie chart is hilarious!" never sounds believable.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? [NSFW? ] It depends on how hard you throw them.
Excuse me, but do you like whales? (yeah, why) Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was inventing single-ply toilet paper.
"The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging."
Guy checks into a hotel with his family.. He goes up to the desk clerk and says, "I hope the porn here is disabled.." The clerk is shocked and responds, "No, it's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.
What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's head? The steering wheel.
What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up? Slow clap.
Just got back from bowling... But I'll spare you the details.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.
Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior? They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire - this came to me in a dream... maybe it should have stayed there? *shrugs*
From my 11 year old cousin: What do you get if you cross a pond with snowshoes? Wet.
Witch l: "How do you manage to stay in shape?"  Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."
I knew early on my marriage was doomed. I'm a Virgo and she's a bitch...
What did Bruce Willis find in the freezer at the morgue? [OC] Icy dead people!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.
I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down. They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.
The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going
When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.
She said she liked bad boys. So I de-alphabetized her DVD's and set fire to her little yippie dogs. Still didn't get laid. Fucking women.
Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist. Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity. Lucy pulls off heist. Lucy in disguise with diamonds.
I can never talk about religion... ...no one understands me when I tell them i'm a Dyslexic Santaist.
Pretty ugly Sometimes you're pretty, sometimes you're ugly but most of the time you're pretty ugly.
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.
What is Iron Man's favorite month? FE-bruary Thanks :D
What is ISIS' favourite OS? Windows XPlosion
my date canceled today, now when someone asks "How was your date?" I can say I was too *hand*some.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food ME: I like to plan ahead FRIEND: But you haven't got a freezer ME: I'm a terrible planner
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Pavlov goes on a trip... But when someone rings a bell he realizes he forgot to feed the dog.
Is there a month between April and June? May be
Looking for a lost joke, Please help, The joke it making some one say twoo instead of two but i forget what two words you repeat to trick them. Please help.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
What did Helen Keller name her dog? akjnveoajknoea
I found out NVidia have made a new sun cream I hear it will have more shader cores
"Monday's suck" - Everyone. Apart from Ethiopian kids. For whom, every day sucks
what qualifies a woman in hollywood for disability benefits? "A" cup
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus Good thing he didn't see what mommy did after bedtime ...
Mirror Mirror on the Wall... What is my focal point?
What's a Southeastern Asian business professional's favorite food? Tie food
What is dog x dog? Puppy dog.
What do Wal mart and priests have in common? They both have boys pants half off. I'm going to hell lol
I just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
TIFU by burning my post oops, retoast
What's the definition of vagina? The box a penis comes in.
So Donald Trump is running for President...
Never be racist towards Native Americans. They will Sioux you.
Why was the ocean so cranky? You'd be cranky too if you had crabs on your bottom.
What do you call a grocery store for people with dementia? Question Mart.
[SPELLING BEE] JUDGE: Bourgeoisie ME: Really? W o w JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie ME:*clears throat* Eff - U - See - Kay - U
I took an instagram picture of a polaroid photo and my iPhone blew up.
A few days ago i saw an amazing magician... When he opened his jacket and screamed Allahu Akbar he disappeared along with 30 others.
What is the legendary chemical? HO-OH (Hydrogen Peroxide)
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
My girlfriend claims my puns don't make any sense. She says they're un-BEAR-able.
when nothing goes right... go left
What's the difference between a normal baby and a matter baby?
What's a pirates favorite letter? You'd think it's "R" but it's actually the "C".
What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono
My car has a GPS, but when I get lost I still usually just end up busting out a globe
What does the earth eat for breakfast? Continental breakfast, served on tectonic plates.
Wash the alligator clips with rubbing alcohol during flu season Protect yourself from catching a terminal illness.
I know they took some creative liberties with 'Noah' but I really wasn't expecting that Prius.
Wanna know why reddit sucks?
*storms out of office bathroom* *slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss's desk* I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS
Classic joke, prim and proper don't read it! Guy asks "When do you kick a midget in the balls?" Other guy answers "When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice"
What did the mobster call it when he couldn't move his dead friend's body? Rigatoni!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way
You know you're awesome when Facebook suggests people you have already had sex with.
Diablo 3 Horrible Choices Made Dear Diary... Today we chose to let our friend Wookie play ET Wizard... Now we all have new necklaces made out of rope.
My ex is having a really hard time moving on From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did).
If Facebook Was Real me: cool shirt Brian Brian: thanks [hours later, a knock at my door] me: um yes? Brian's Mom: I also like that shirt
How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one to tell the three illegal immigrants he hired to do it.
What do u call two lesbians floating down a river in a canoe? Fur traders.
When I was a kid growing up in the Cold War, I had nightmares about the Russians. They wrote long novels. And professors made me read them.
I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far.
How many monastic women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None... they live an ascetic lifestyle and prefer to not use electricity.
"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made terrible sandwiches.
Just when I thought life couldn't get any harder... I accidentally take Viagra for my migraine.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner? Me: No thanks, already ate Mom: What did you have? Me: Peanut butter Mom: With? Me: Spoon
Why did the dyslexic Italian prisoner of war never get rescued? Because when his commanding officer read his letter saying he was now a WOP, it was assumed that he had expatriated.
How do you leave a bunch of idiots in suspense? I'll tell you guys tomorrow
A dyslexic man walks into a bra That's the joke
A British man asked to his friend, "How many seats are there in the van?" "More than the Lib Dems."
How do we know God is not a woman? Because the Earth is not a sandwich!
What is the last thing the host of an orgy says to his guests? Thank you for coming!
(GoT Joke) Why did the King's Justice join Run DMC? Cuz he be Ilyn.
You Gotta Hand It to Leprechauns Because they Can't Reach It!
Everyone always wonders why I call my friend Gregory, "Y"... Everyone always wonders why I call my friend Gregory, "Y" ... Well, his name is Greg-or-y... so I chose "Y."
My husband told me he'd like to be woken up by a blowjob... ...so I put my dick in his mouth to wake him up.
My friend got jailed for six months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out that they were the firemen.
It's like Maury doesn't even care who the real father of my kitten is.
Son: "I got expelled" Dad: "How?" Son: "I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard." Dad: "That's pretty dumb but-" Son: "Then my teacher told me to go up to the board..." Dad: "Ok?" Son: "And rub 1 out."
Jeb Bush Unanimously Confirmed by Senate for Secretary of Low Energy.
Birth Control It's like direct deposit without the interest
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".
How did the Mexican greet people in Hawaii? Ahola.
Texting while driving: Bad. Wrestling a shark while driving: STILL LEGAL! WOOHOOO!!!
What did they call the sugar that went to space? Intergalactose
How do you circumscize a redneck? By kicking his sister's jaw.
*gazes into the abyss* *awkwardly looks away and pretends I wasn't looking when the abyss gazes back*
I like my women like I like my joke formats: worn out from overuse.
What do you get when you put resistance on a stove? Ohm on the range
Most people have 32 teeth, some have 10. It's simple meth.
Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.
"Yes I understand that's your face, but it's also the place where I need to put my butthole." - Cats
Marc Anthony jeans at Kohl's come in three cuts - tuberculosis, heroin addict and skeletor.
Brother-in-arms What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time? "You're my brother in arms!"
I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I'd say I'm a success compared to that.
It's fine if you wanna shoot a buncha folks as long as you start with yourself. That's my only rule about it.
What stops your hair from falling? The floor
Facebook: losing friends. Twitter: gaining friends Instagram: gaining weight
What's the difference between the Friendzone and the Endzone? Unlike football, you'll never get to spike it in the Friendzone.
What's grey carries a bunch of flowers  and cheers you up when your ill ? A get wellephant !
Just found out that "3 Men and a Baby" isn't a movie about Jesus's birth.
Freshmen girls... I keep getting older, but they stay the same age. Wooderson, *Dazed and Confused*
Hillbillies are getting restless. Neighbor kid is dancing around a burn barrel listening to Whitesnake & wearing a Batman mask
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
You know who probably has a lot of money? Bill Cosby's drug dealer....
Last supper *at the last supper* *Jesus breaks bread* this is my body *pours wine* this is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm just going to stop you right there....
Whats an electrical engineers fave sex position? The super position
How many calories do you get from eating pussy? It depends on which way she wipes her ass.
hi (sorry for bad english)
Anakin: Want to go out? Padme: Ew. You're 9. Anakin: Padme: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Why do girls suck at playing hockey as goalie? Because there are 3 periods and only 2 pads
Two nuns are discussing their love lives.. when one nun asks the other, "So, do you ever start smoking after sex?" The other nun replies, "I don't know, I've never looked."
Two antennas get married on a roof... The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great!
What did one asshole say to the other? I don't know, you haven't said anything yet
Text "SAVEUTAH" to 90999 and get Gary Coleman shipped to the millions in Haiti presently living without Gary Coleman.
Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children
why are Americans like women? Because they always turn up late and take all the credit for winning the war
Queen: "come to bed" King: "not until i have a name for my soldiers" Queen: "k night" King: "babe ur a fukin genius"
Did you know that building hospitals next to railroad tracks leads to an increase in the total number of trained doctors?
There aren't many books on how to cook steak It's a rare medium done well.
My brother won a TV quiz show by bribing the guy who sets the questions. He's a criminal mastermind.
What do Whitney Houston and Jeremy Clarkson have in common? They were both on Top Gear.
How did the jury find the hamburger? Grill-ty as charred!
What is the difference between chicken and blondes ? The chicken knows on whose eggs sitting .
Why is Santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year!
Black actors boycott Oscars... No slave or MLK movies this year.
Why is Santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year.
Useless People One useless person is useless. Two useless people are a law firm. Hundreds of useless people are Congress.
I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
What happened to Donald Trump when he visited Switzerland? He Felt the Bern
I "Liked" your comment on my status update because I'm too lazy to respond.
What did Little Red Riding Hoods boyfriend say when he was asked about their sex life? It's all good in the Hood!
I hate these services like Tinder and Grindr. I remember back when if you wanted to have sex, someone else had to make a huge mistake.
Do you own a chicken farm? Cause you sure know how to raise a cock
Two fish are in a tank.... and one says to the other: "You know how to drive this thing?"
What happens when you mock the host of Diners, Drive-In's, and Dives? The guy gets fierious.
My haunted house would be one where guys jump out w your tax forms improperly filled out & others handing you phones with your mom on hold.
Amy Winehouse is getting Botox injections? Really? Isn't that a bit like spraying Febreze on a pile of dog crap?
The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
What was the hackers' rehabilitation meeting called? Anonymous Anonymous
What kind of tea does an anarchist drink? Cheap generic iced tea. Because proper tea is theft.
How to know she's the one? Jerk off twice and if you still wanna jerk off, then She is.
Who was King Author's most well rounded Knight? Sir Cumference.
"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well" "that is a cheap stereotype"
Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we've had.
So my girlfriend's mother is throwing papers into the fireplace When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?" I reply "Taxes."
Seal walks into a club ...
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists... those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn't work.
Green eggs and 9/11 #SadDrSeuss
Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding.
What did the 0 say to the 8 ? Nice belt.
Roses are red violets are take your clothes off
My Muslim friend. I have a friend who used to be a Muslim, now he's an atheist, I guess he was done with that Shiite.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone? You-Rang-a-Tang?
What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK ROLLING
If there is a better way to memorialize your parakeet than by tattooing his name on your ass, I'd certainly like to hear it.
Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.
How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty
you know its cold out... when you go outside, and its cold out. (tried this in /r/antijokes , thought the rest of the joke world might appreciate)
Where can you find the best Black Friday deals with items at 100% off? Ferguson!
Wonder Woman What's the difference between Wonder Woman and the Dickless Wonder? One was played in the 1970s by Lynda, the other by Jimmy.
What does a panda say when it's out of food? Chute
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose... I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
When cooking, I sometimes talk to my knife. I talk to it about my current life situations. The knife tells me I'm crazy. It tends to be pretty sharp about these things, so I guess it has a point.
toddlers and tiaras more like PROSTITODDLERS AYYYYYY
Do you want to hear a powerball joke? Sorry, odds are you won't get it.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Alcoholism joke? If a person who is addicted to alcohol is an alcoholic, the a person who is addicted to cats is a catholic?
Cheese shop exploded Thankfully I was only hit by da brie
What do you call a deer with big eyes? A big-eye deer!
I fell asleep at a party the other night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went fuckin mental. No one treats me like a mug
Let's play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you're okay with hide and sex. I'll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.
Survivor 1: "Help! I can't swim! I'm drowning!" Survivor 2: "I have a buoy, friend."
At the sushi restaurant: What kind of eel is this? Diner at the sushi restaurant: "What kind of eel is this?" Waiter: "Do you love it?" Diner: "yeah" Waiter: "Then, that's a moray"
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer (No idea) Q: What do you call a quadriplegic deer with no eyes? A: Still, no eye deer. (Still no idea)
If we had gender equality we'd ALL give birth through our ass. And no more Men from Mars & Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the  bed.
What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in fog? When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
[creation] GOD: You will each have a flaw BAT: I am blind SNAKE: I am deaf DOG: My breath is a little bad
"You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs," said my wife. "That makes one of us then," I replied.
Does anyone ever spiral into control?
What is springy and springy? the Easter Bunny
ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches
I tried to give my girl an Eskimo kiss... but she wasn't Inuit.
Why do woman make terrible truck drivers? Because you give them one good load and it takes them nine months to deliver.
There's only one correct response when a girl says "I have a tattoo of a midget on my boob" "They prefer to be called 'little people'".
What do cops and mushrooms have in common? You feed 'em shit and keep 'em in the dark.
Christopher walked walks in, he sits down and says... Hey. Guy. I threw a hotdog down, the highway. The hooker, was already dead.
I'm not racist or anything but all Canadian Geese look alike.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Trick question. The answer is C: The farmer.
Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident. He's 0K right now.
why was 6 afraid of 7 because 789
Why was Macaulay Culkin an easy target for Michael Jackson? Because he was home alone.
Knock Knock. "Who's there?" TheOwlGoes. "TheOwlGoes HOO?"
I'm going to protect my tweets on Christmas this year so Santa can't "know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake." Take that!
I have always wondered what people did for fun before the Internet existed. My seventeen siblings don't know the answer either.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. :)
How to tell if someone has Rhotacism? Ask them to pronounce it.
To the person who created the first "Knock, Knock" joke.... That person should totally have won the No Bell prize.
-Come on, it's time to go -No -We are going to be late -I hate school -But Mum, you have to take me!
I wish I had emo hair So it would cut its self
Everything happens for a reason. But, sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make bad decisions.
What's the difference between a mosque and a school? I don't know, I just fly the drones.
"What's your greatest strength?" Shadow puppetry "Seriously?" [interviewer presses intercom button] "Pat, please bring a flashlight in here"
Why did Moses see a burning bush as God? Because God planned on giving him his first tablets then. The mistake? They were Samsung Galaxy Note tablets.
[Job Interview] How would you describe your time management skills? Me: Can we talk about this later? I'm late for an appointment.
A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked "Are you going to put that up yourself?" No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.
What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen? Charlie Sheen's winning.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger And then it hit me.
I wrote your name in the snow You should recognize it. It was your mom's handwriting.
Wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60 flat screen mirror?
What does a gamer call the zombie apocalypse? The end of DayZ
If I went to the capitol of South Korea with my Australian girlfriend Would that make her my Seoul-Mate?
I know you've been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it's over now. Also, you're a donut. And I ate you.
Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever wants to sacrifice a virgin about it.
What is French Super Mario's favorite board game? Le Ouija
Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer... All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.
What do mathematicians and ravers have in common They both search for X
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice? Neck-romance-y.
Why do dogs run in circles? Because it's harder to run in squares.
The preacher today used Star Wars as a sermon illustration. I felt it was a little forced.
[NSFW] A guy to a girl - Hey, want to stick our fingers in each other's belly-botton ? Girl - Sure, how do W... OH, thats not my belly button. Guy - That's not my finger!
did you see Iran play in the world cup? I heard they played like Shiate'
So I did not realize, in England, the word "trump" is slang for a particularly loud fart. ... Just like in America.
Remember duck tape turns no no no... In to mmm mmm mmm
What sea mammal controls Nazi Germany? Adolf-in
why do italian women wear long black gloves? to cover up their long black hair
Noble gases are safe from the Fine Brothers. They never react.
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is don't you? A: They get elected.
What do you call a guy who is in color guard? A flaggot
Got run over by a limo today Took fucking ages
What do Jesus and my high school girlfriend have in common? They both bled for me.
Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people. Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY
Just joined Anonymous Anonymous. This time I'm serious about breaking my addiction to hacking government websites.
what's th difference between a gay man and a refrigerator? the refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
what's a pirate comedian's favorite reddit? aaaarrrrrrrr/jokes
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs Me: going through a Denny's trash bin I: but you might get this job M: haha that's... irrelevant
I've been working really hard on controlling my alcoholism I can't remember the last time I blacked out.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion? I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
All last night I dreamed I was a muffler... I woke up exhausted
What do you call a man with his hand up a horses ass? An Amish mechanic. A favorite from Robin Williams
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything!
I have a Punjabi friend He Singhs very well
There's been something wrong with my smelling lately... I've asked everyone, but no one "nose" the cause!
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
What do you call a white girl with a yeast infection? A cracker with cheese.
What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bath? Throw your laundry in!
Blow Bubbles "Hey", I said to my friend. "You ever blow Bubbles?" "Of course I did", he said. "Well," I replied, "I think he must have liked it. He's back in town and asking for you."
What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes? Mr. President.
How can you make a basset hound fast? Take away its food!
I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have pricks on the outside!
I'm capable of having female friends. We can totally snuggle naked and I won't try anything funny.
Why did the Middle Eastern man not want his daughter to go on a date with a boy from school? He was afraid she would come home stoned.
Why don't black people get on cruise ships? They're not falling for that again.
What do you call Moby Dick when he washes up on a sandbar? A bleached whale!
How do you know if your neighbor voted for Trump? They've got a big burning "t" in their yard.
I'm starting to think that Y2K thing was just nothing to worry about.
Why'd the chicken cross the road? To show a deer how it's done.
"I'd like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it'll go EVERYWHERE."
If I had to guess at the religion of Daniel Day Lewis... I would probably have to say Methodist &amp;nbsp; [What are the rules of Daniel Day Lewis?!](http://imgur.com/gallery/NDOov4L)
I've decided I'm selling my vacuum cleaner It's just here gathering dust
Why was the hipster drinking milk? He liked Ice Cream before it was cool
How can you tell your roommate is of the gay? His dick tastes like shit
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House? A: There is White-out on the screen.
What did the door say to the other door? I can see your Knob Simple yet effective
What's a four letter word describing a female that ends in -unt? Aunt
What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you racist.
I got a letter from the bank saying I was still in debt. I don't know why, I sent them a cheque.
A black woman named Latisha has three boys all named LeSean. How does she tell them apart? Their last names!
Why is Batman undefeatable? Because he was coached by Liam Neeson.
Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper share the same middle name... coincidence?... I think not.
What can an elevator do that a black man can't? Raise a family.
Decided to take all my old watches and join them together to make a new belt... turned out to be a waist of time.
What do you call a posh Gym? James
I caught a man masturbating in my closet. Did not see that cumming.
If you can't enjoy sex when I sing Ladysmith Black Mambazo, we either need to hire 9 black men or have the racism talk.
DOCTOR TO PATIENT JOKE Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!
What kind of railway is an Italian engineer's favourite? Funicula
Have you heard about the kidnapper? He's really got away with kids.
If I was your alarm clock, how would I wake you up every morning? With a big dong.......
What do you call a frog that's parked illegally? Toad.
I started crossfit yesterday And my throat is killing me
Three people having sex is called a threesome, and four people having sex is called a foursome. I guess that's why everyone calls me handsome!
So a guy wants to live on a Danish island... He finds that the island is empty.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
What do you call a insomniac dyslexic agnostic? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog!
What's the difference between sand and period blood? I can't gargle with sand.
If you don't want to be there today, just say "I'm just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding"
I tried to make a living mixing audio files to the left and right ...but it didn't really pan out.
What's the name of Jackie Chan's catholic brother? Chris Chan
For people with a gluten allergy, it's kind of like kryptonite, except Superman didn't find a way to mention it in every conversation.
Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?
You know how dolphins rape a lot? They do it on porpoise.
Last Valentine's day I recieved so many cards from my girlfriends that I couldn't open the front door... Because my wife had the locks changed
Do you know how long it's been since I've had an erection? About 8 inches.
I dont want to make a joke but I really want to hear the most cancerous joke you know. If I get 100 of them I will show them all to my friend who hates cancerous jokes.
Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but I think being the first man to walk on the Moon is an amazing achievement. They can never take that away from him...
I'm no racist I love black people so much I stopped tipping.
TIFU... I could've had a V8
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
What do you call a pit full of donkeys? An asshole.
All white people are part Asian... Their cock's Asian
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying] "It's negative" Lemme see it [reads] 'Not prego. Just fat. And ugly' Wow that's really negative
What' the difference between Adolf Hitler and Lance Armstrong? Lance Armstrong can finish a race!
A wise man once said that nothing really dies, it just comes back in a new form Then he died.
Moe: My wife converted me to religion. Joe: Really? Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
My Grandparents bought a new China set... They asked me what I thought of it... I said it was fine...
Why couldn't G Unit get on the Bus? They did not have 50 Cent.
How'd the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.
I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"... Fucking firemen.
they once said an apple a day keeps the doctors away... But todays world all doctors are muslim, so i find bacon works better!
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes!
What's worse than the Holocaust? The Holocaust! wait shit
[Request] I need a cutesy pun related to couples/love and umbrellas/rain. Sort of like "Eiffel for you", or "never leaf me" if you know what I mean. But please nothing too long :)
What does a hairstylist call their resume? A tresume.
Nobody's abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Why was the 3 year old ethiopian kid crying He was having a mid life crisis
Mom, how do you spell 'scrotum'? Honey, you should have asked me last nightit was on the tip of my tongue.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.
If movies have taught me anything, it's that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Make the little things count, teach midgets math
"You are cute like a dog, Momma!" My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.
Do you know what one ocean said to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. sea what i did there? I'm shore you got it come on, dont be a beach
I just got a great deal on lots of digging equipment... It was hole-sale.
Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can't reach you where you are standing.
*takes off pants* *crawls into bed* Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy's *crawls out of bed* *puts on pants* SG- Those aren't your pants
What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
A man walks into a bar And tells a terrible joke about shooting your father. He will never do that again.
It's not true love until you annoy me with a Facebook post professing it.
Special thanks to my dictionary for explaining the definition of "many" It means a lot.
Ive been married twice... my first wife died of mushroom poisoning and my second wife died of a fractured skull. She didnt like mushrooms.
What is better than a rose on a guitarist? Tulips on my pianist.
Does anyone have a recipe for sausage and apples? I asked my girlfriend what she wanted tonight and she said she could use a wiener in cider.
Sometimes I wonder if my wife ever heard me call her a dumb bitch. I think about it every day since she died from cancer. I never got to say it to her face.
Does someone who sleeps on the ground because they like a hard mattress... prefer to sleep on Terra Firma?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, "Well, that's a sin, but at least it's original."
What do you call... A cow with one leg? Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom
How do five gay guys walk? In one direction.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anita ! Anita who ? Anita you like I need a hole in the head !
Why do the Scots wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 15 min before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a squirrel.
"Masturbation" is such a harsh word. I prefer "Hand-to-gland combat".
The Obama Administration just created 100 million jobs @ Dell and Comcast by cutting power in India.
I submitted a glass pane in for a competition. I'm hoping I can window.
Definition of 1ply toilet paper. Finding your inner self.
How do you say "constipated" in German? Farfrompoopin'
Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!
Knock knock Whos there? G.I JOE!!!
What's The Donald's favourite keyboard shortcut? Command Alt Right.
Soviet dating advice Stop stalin, do not russian to things, putin an effort
What's an Atheist's favorite joke book? The bible. Please don't kill me for this.
ancestry dot com told me my ancestors were "A Shit Ton of Sketchy Raccoons". bullshit. i didnt pay 50 bucks for something i already knew
Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Smallpox.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven.
Did you see the headline about the 5 foot tall psychic that escaped from prison? It was: "Small medium at large"
occupation: the family disappointment
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Why You Need Insurance by Justin Case
What is Jesus's least favorite gun? A nail gun.
[Doctor's Office] Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease. "Is it bad, doc?" Yes, but bear in mind- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
Now let me tell you a joke about a hair dryer... ... nah nevermind. It blows.
If you're new to Twitter from Facebook, you can just reply "Like" to all of my tweets. I'll understand
Why does a rapper need an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
Ill A very ill man goes to his doctor, he asks the doctor what to do. 'Take a lot of mud baths' the doctor says. 'Why?' the man asks. 'So you can get used to the ground of course!'
Some pages troll us by making a pixel or two on the page black so that we think it's a smudge... why would anyone do that? I just can't put my finger on it.
Patient: Doctor I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.
I used to have a roommate who was always smoking in my apartment, but only with e-cigs. He died of e-cancer.
Why did Silver have such a successful rap career? He was truly Ag.
Dentist Lion
What is better than a rose on a piano? Tulips on the organ. (I'll show myself out...)
While in my car I drove beneath an overpass that was getting some work done on it I was under construction.
Little Timmy's house cough on fire Timmy wanted to be the hero and grabbed his squirt gun. Do you know what happened to Timmy? He drowned! Moral of the story: Don't be a hero.
Money money money A jewish boy said to his father, "Dad, can I borrow $50 dollars?" His father replied, "$40 dollars!? What do you need $30 dollars for!?"
Dad to kid: "Connor, eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" Me: *turns around, eats all of kid's food*
I wanted to set my password as madeline But apparently that's taken.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest] "What did the priest have to say?" "He said you have to stop rapping over the choir."
If I could have one superpower it would be knowing definitively if people like me or not
Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.
How many children with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Wanna go swimming?
If a straight man cheats on his wife, the other woman is called his mistress. So if a gay man cheats on his husband, is the other man his mister?
You know what they say about guys who don't remember their circumcision... Ignorance is briss.
Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks? So that they can see the battle.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
What happens when an American has a heart attack and survives? A 'murical.
What do 9/10 people enjoy Gang rape. Credit to Jack Whitehall and Bad education.
The Fine Bros. Get it?
Q: When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.
Guess what? Dickbutt
I'm always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.
What did Oliver Twist say at the slave auction? Please sir, I want some moors.
Hunters Two hunters are in the woods. One passes out, so the other calls 911. "How may we assist you?" "I think my friend is dead." "Make sure he's dead." *Bang* "Done."
Why did the blind man's alphabet soup only have 25 letters in it? Because he can't "C"
Whenever someone says to me "You look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "Do you watch porn?"
Do you guys like corny jokes? Because I have some absolutely a-maize-ing ones!
Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals
Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ... Me: Tell my gf my phone password? LS: Break every bone in your body M: Oh. Yeah that's fine
My skills Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.
It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste.  I'm out bitc$es
Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Why did the football player laugh when he broke his arm? Because it was humerus.
What aftershave do monsters wear?  Brute.
What is my dentist's favorite indie band? Fluoride and the Machine
Guys, I know Charlie Sheen isn't winning right now. But at least he's positive.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach"
I think that's enough coffee. I can hear my cells dividing.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.
Been reading about instinctive behaviors. Apparently, my natural reaction to seeing an attractive woman is a Fixed Action Pattern (in short, FAP).
Why are quantum physicists the kinkiest of all scientists? They have the ability to penetrate both holes at the same time. [explanation](http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double-slit_experiment)
Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded.
It's OK, batteries...no one includes me either.
The ladies call me "Tarzan" in bed... ... because my sexual adventures are all in [Vines.](http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vine_%28service%29)
What do transsexuals run on? Gender fluid.
What's a Shamans favorite beverage? PeyoTEA.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. "Looks like they worshiped apples." said one archeologist.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walked...... J.k. Rolling!
What did the dentist see at the North Pole?...A molar bear
I'm not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.
Knock-knock. ("Who's there?") Control freak. Now say "Control freak who?"
Optimus Prime: so it's settled. I'll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you're a camaro. Any questions? [Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
What does an alcoholic ghost drink? Spirits.
I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it's going to be impossible. A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!
They say 1 in every 4 men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I wonder which one of them 7 is, I really need a cock in my ass.
A website just logged me off due to inactivity. Hope my life never does that.
What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale? Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.
how do you get pikachu onto a bus You Pokemon
I saw an Asian man jerking off in a starbucks Called him a Fappenchino.
What martial art did Hitler have a black belt in? Gazillion Jew-Jitsu
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out. Advantage: human.
We burried my grandmother last week... So she's probably dead by now.
If you think sex is just filling her hole Then you're a civil engineer, not a lover
What do you call an attractive primate corpse in Saudi Arabia? Haram bae
I've stood up for black people plenty of times... Not worth getting shot over a seat on the subway.
"Talk to me, Goose," Tom Cruise crackled over the radio. "Squawk." Goose replied before nose diving into the ground causing untold amounts of destruction, because geese can not operate aircraft.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in
What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination? "Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!"
What did the nihilist wish for on his birthday?
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race.
Whats a vegetables favorite Bee Gee song? Chive Talkin'
Why didn't the blind person laugh at my joke? Because he didn't see the funny side to it.
My friend fell into a vat of chemicals. Ironically, it was his quick reaction that killed him.
i have been trying to teach my dog to speak English.... but his skills are ruff
My social life. /thread
Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sips it for a while, and when he is finished, the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not", and disappears.
How do you feel about euthanasia? I think we can exploit them by increasing our amount of sweatshops.
What is a ninjas favorite drink? Wataa and fruit punch! I'll see myself out.
My Doctor Wrote Me a Prescription... My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I don't believe Prince Andrew paid for an underage sex slave. That sponger's never paid for anything in his life.
You know what's better than having roses on your piano? Having tulips on your organ!
Free Tibet! With purchase of equal or greater Tibet.
I bumped into my rival jousting opponent. We exchanged lances.
Joke title Punchline. EDIT: Obligatory fake edit about not realising it was a repost
Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven was a Registered Six Offender.
What kind of sick fuck figured out that you can make a cake out of carrots?
When do you kick a midget in the nuts? When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
I dreamt I was in a very magical world where people didn't get butthurt over every little f*cking joke. Weird huh?!?!
Does "fear of commitment" count towards a handicap parking space??
Legends don't die... I am a living example!
Ever since Peter was rejected by another girl again, I feel nervous every time he enters the school building. But I'm sure he brings that gun for self-defense purpose.
Say what you will about pedophiles but... They always support orphans, the always drive slow in school zones, they always donate to schools, they always help with homework.
This guy in line at store had breath so bad his teeth turned sideways just to let it out.
my marrige is just like my time in prison nothing but fucking and fighting, Im just kidding I never fought in prison.
What's the difference between Helen Keller and a redneck Helen Keller got famous for not being able to read
I would never give you a death sentence. It would be more like a paragraph.
How do you make a little girl cry twice? You rub your bloody dick on her teddy bear.
My buddy told me he wanted to study paleontology... I told him it was a dead-ends job.
My analyst says I anthropomorphize... but It's only a problem when I do it to people.
Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.
[HOSPITAL] DOCTOR: "A-tisket a-tasket, you're gonna need a casket." WIFE: "What?" DR: "Your husband's knee surgery did not go well AT ALL."
My name's Stanley, but my friends call me Stan... So no one calls me Stan
dad, why does my cake say "we dont want a talking cake" "its a long story son"
What's got four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of tree it could kill you? A pool table.
A joke that never ends.. I would like to start a thread that everyone adds to the joke and see how creative we can all get
What do you call the top wealthiest people in Mexico? The Juan percent.
What's got 8 feet and 10 shoes? The McCann Family.
What are Mario's overalls made of? denimdenimdenim
Brain: no Heart: yes Foot: don't ask me I'm a foot
I tried to take a picture of some fog... I mist. ^I'll^see^myself^out^BYE!
I Hate Being this Sexy, But Somebody Has To Do it.
John: Hey Jude... Paul: Don't make it bad George: Take a sad song... Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between
I hope that your text abbreviations become so short that you can soon send me nothing.
It's like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
*forward*reverse*forward* *reverse*forward*reverse*... --someone in an electric wheelchair giving a blowjob.
If someone is born deaf and dumb, blind, has no arms or legs.... Can we actually call him a piece of meat?
What do you call an Indian man with motivation? Deturbaned
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Both of their biggest hits were the wall.
If you want her - tell her. If you need her - show her. If you yearn for her - touch her. Just make sure her husband's not at home.
What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen? Activates its shelf destruct sequence. I'll see myself out...
Somebody cut me off on the highway today during a rainstorm, and started hydroplaning in front of me. I was cross with them at first, but then I just let it slide.
What do you call a horny group of lawyers? Firm
What did the black hole say to the pulsar? I don't think you understand the gravity of your situation
Camper: There's something wrong with my hot dog. Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Trump Brand Condoms! Guaranteed to be 100% effective. The wrapper is empty but once you or your partner see his face on it you would no longer want to have sex.
What to NEVER EVER EVER say to a fat girl (or a girl who is overly conscious of her own weight). (OC) As part of our team, you're expected to pull your own weight.
Which is the longest toilet in the world? Indian Railways
I always smoke after sex. I've quit now for 16 years.
The cat licks itself and it's cute. I do it and I'm "no longer allowed in the library".
How did the Idiot break his arm while raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like "lmao for sure, g'night"
Batman opened a restaurant... But he's serving just desserts.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I've had similar successes.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count ? Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow,
My favorite sex move is "The JFK" That's where I splatter all over her face while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
"Here's the problem... You've got a Pokemon up there" - me, as a proctologist
Why is it illegal to masturbate on an airplane? Because its high jacking.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breasts? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
How do you shoot a great white shark?  Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue  shark spear gun!
Shoutout to all the girls that can't update their status because they told some guy they tired...& going to bed.
FIRST PIGLET: How do you know your boyfriend loves  you? SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and  kisses.
Why does Donald Trump take a Xanax when he goes to Mexico? To prevent His-Panic attacks.
Some say Steve Jobs died too young. Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
After years of courting her , she finally said yes Followed by 'thats him, officer'
A guy goes to see a psychiatrist He's frantic. He says to the doctor, "I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'M A WIGWAM, I'M A TEEPEE!" The doctor says, "calm down, you're two tents."
What did one French Guy say to another French Guy? "Bonjour, je m'apelle Guy aussi!" ("Hello, I am called Guy as well!")
Dating me is like a walk in the park - Jurassic Park.
Premiering 2017. They never saw him coming. Sean Penn is The Retard Pope
*tries to take off date's bra* If you- *tries again* If- *again* If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier *looks up* NEVER
Why was the baseball player arrested? He was involved in a hit-and-run.
How do you get an anorexic chick in bed? Well, it ain't a piece of cake.
I've never liked barnacles, but since I moved to the harbour they've started to grow on me.
Where's the most racist place to focus one's thoughts? Inward
Why shoudn't you play poker in Africa ? Because of all the Cheetahs!
Why are 25 of the 26 letters in the English alphabet problematic to Jewish people? Because they're not C's.
How do you weigh a Hipster? In instagrams
Be Positive ++ My girlfriend always says that be positive!! You know what she is going to have HIV tested this week ;)
What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture
If the sprayer in the sink can't get it off and the dishwasher can't get it off then I assume it's just meant to be a part of the pan.
Pro Tip: don't believe everything on Twitter. Y'all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.
what's going on with people who are mad at movies that last longer than 90 minutes but happily watch an entire season of TV in one day
What do a woman and a toilet seat have in common? Without a hole in the middle they wouldn't be good for shit. (Wife told me this one)
There is only one house song. It's 38,000 minutes long.
Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
Where is the most open green space in New York  City? Central Pork
My favourite kind of pain; is in my stomach when people make me laugh too hard.
What do you call an "Asian" that loves using moisturizer? Laotian.
A Brazilian got the first gold medal The police are already after him.
I was at a wedding the other day It was so moving, even the cake was in tiers
I took the airline to court over my missing luggage. I lost my case!
Commandment XI: There Shall Be No Boner Sound Other Than "Boioioioioioing"
Mexican Word of the Day: Canoli I canoli jack off with one hand at a time.
What's the difference... What's the difference between Pussy and Cunt? Pussy is warm, furry and wonderful ! Cunt is, unfortunately, in charge of pussy...
What did the weeaboo Southerner name his daughter? Anna May
What was Hitlers favorite month? JEW LIE
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
So I called the rape helpline... ... they said they only help victims
Why did the frog die? It kermit suicide.
My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline? It was my mom, then my sister, then me
Ever hear of an Australian kiss Its like a French kiss except its "down unda"
No coffee in the pantry this morning so I had to go outside and show my dick to a cop to get the old motor running.
My grandma is 80 years old, and still doesn't need glasses... She drinks right out of the bottle.
I went to a Rastafari's funeral last night... It was dreadful.
Why men like to fishing so much? They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it "Game of Thrones".
I went off on a tan gent once He was wasting all his time at the beach
I feel sorry for the two policemen outside number 10 Seeming David Cameron has a thing for pigs now.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge? ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Coaching my son's soccer team, I thought moms would be all over me - no! They are always, "The popsicles are for AFTER the game." Bitches.
I ain't votin' for Trump He wants to build a wall and walls are what killed Dale Earnhardt
What's the best part of domestic violence jokes? The punchline
Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
I like black people like I like my coffee I don't really like coffee
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
What's the best lake to go motorboating? Lake Titicaca
Why do Welshmen like to embarrass their wives? It makes them rather sheepish.
The more girls I have sex with... the more I love my goat.
I finally figured out why your sister is not a ballet dancer... Because every time she does a split, she sticks to the floor.
What does a fastidious female call a condom? Goo-be-gone
Ever heard of rodeo sex? NSFW That's where you mount her from behind, then lean forward and whisper "this is how your sister liked it." and see if you can stay on for ten seconds! :)
a spider dropped onto me this morning and I was just really excited that someone else was in bed with me
What part of America can't sell full sized soft drinks? Minnesota
When is a door not a door? When it's a jar!
Girl, are you an ITT Tech degree? Because you're worthless.
Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications.
2 pedophiles are sitting on a park bench when an 11 year old boy walks by... One pedo leans over to the other and says "boy he must've looked good back in the day"
When is a door not a door? When it's a jar.
Trump is going to take out these mexicans... juan by juan.
Dads are like boomerangs I hope.
Did you hear about the guy who had a really short temper because of his botched sex change? He was always going around half-cocked.
"Son, hey son" Yeah dad? "Know why we named you Adopted?" *Sighs* Because I'm adop- "BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED" Good one dad "I'm not your dad"
I'm allergic to sharks.. ..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
Say what you want about my sex life... I'm not having it.
Did you hear about the Blonde who bought a brand new pair of panty hose, she put em on then shaved her legs and recked 'em
Best Joke in League Of League? NA teams
I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open I didn't understand the gravity of the situation
You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot you racist fuck.
In New York, yelling at someone is demeaning it's de meaning of being a New Yorker!
What did Tanto call the lone ranger after he started treatment for cancer? Chemosabi
Why do the French get high so fast? Because they'll reach 420 before anyone else. Explanation: 80 is quatre-vingt in french and quatre=4 and vingt= 20.
What do we want?! Redundancy! What do we want?! Red-uhh. redundancy?
Why was the S&amp;M phone sex caller so quiet? Because he was tongue tied!
When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
Thanks for explaining the word "joke" to me. I still don't know what it means.
What is the worlds wettest animal? The reindeer
If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?
Two guys walk into a bar... ...tender. Wait, what the hell?!
What do you call a loony spaceman ? An astronut !
I like my beer the way I like my violence. Domestic
What is a Pirate's FAVORITE letter? You'd think it'd be rrrrrrr, but it's the C!!
Is there an app that will make my iPhone go get my iPad which is way over there on the desk next to my iMac? iHopeso.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don't know where I am.
Call me nostalgic, but I often think back to when I was just a boy... Before my botched gender reassignment surgery. Things were simpler, then.
On a pirate's birthday, I asked him how old he was His response: "Aye matey"
Quite a few people aren't aware that I studied abroad for a year. Alas, she didn't teach me anything I didn't already know.
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor and the doctor says "Sir, I'm sorry to say but you have a Cataract"... The Asian man turns to the doctor and says "No, I have uh Rincoln Continentar"
Why did the cheese go to the museum? To get cultured
What does a white girl and the numbers 3,5,7,and 9 have in common They can't even
My IQ? With google or without?
whats the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza gets out of the oven.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? Because he was fingering minors.
I like my coffee like I like my women Ground up and in my freezer
You hear what happened to the frog's car? It got toad.
NEW! "How to Act" DVD by Kristen Stewart! In love: :| Uncertain: :| Just married: :| Pregnant: :| Dead: :| Only $139.95! Act now!
How do you get elected president of my pants? By the vote of the Erectional College...
To quote Balltaire, "Do not wax there!"
How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave? I dont know. I was too busy masturbating!
A horse walked into a bar several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger of the situation
Someone just used the phrase, 'that's a big load', on this conference call, and suddenly I'm paying attention.
What is the difference between quarter and the eighth. $50 bucks
So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore... ...I'm not really sure how I feel about it
What's the most googled word in Mozilla Firefox? Chrome.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
How is an undergraduate degree like a pedophile? A minor makes both of them hard
QUESTION: What is the difference between a  "Battery" and a woman? ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bass ! Bass who ? Bass the salt and pepper please !
What did Hitler's Personal Trainer keep reminding him to do? "EXHEIL"
Wanna hear three rapid jokes? No.
Divorce is tough on some kids. Mine were just happy to be single again.
camouflage training Drill Sergeant: "I DID NOT SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING THIS MORNING CORPORAL!!!!" Corporal: "Thank you sir."
Autocorrect: Can't live with it, can't live meow it.
French scientists announced that they can finally successfully clone a rat! Thank goodness! This will solve the huge rat shortage.
What did the Pie say when he failed a math test? "How did I get these simple questions wrong! I am so irrational!"
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Trump isn't the scariest president. That Rushmore guy had four heads...
Abortions are like stains in my carpet. You don't want them to be seen, and you pay somebody to vacuum them out.
I wanted to be a standup comedian.. they asked me to sit down.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
All I'm saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying "We need to talk"
Fun Fact: If you answer your phone, "Christ speaking", 70% of the callers will hang up on you. You're welcome.
I have a big business on kids and murders. They all love my ferrets.
A beautiful woman is walking down the street..... A man says to her "can I smell your pussy?" She shouts "No!" He replies "Oh, It must be your asshole."
If two feminists get drunk and hook up, were they both raped?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you eat with that...
Why don't people win the lotto Because the NSA runs it
Is there a punchline to this chemistry joke? Nobelium
Best Joke ever My life
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone "What is snow?" No one would say: It's doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Why is it illegal to commit suicide? You aren't allowed to damage the government's property.
Do you enjoy websurfing? No way! my mum warned me to stay away from the net!
Free Pussy Riot!
What would romantic living dead movie be called? Zombaes
A man was killed in a rice field by a small porcelain doll.... It was the very first knick-knack, patty whack
Life is like a box of chocolates. I don't have a box of chocolates.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Did you hear the one about the falling eggs? It will crack you up I'll just go now
Why did the broken window not go to the doctor? He had no more pane
Why is North Korea horrible? Because they have no Seoul.
Ever since I became a vampire I've been too ashamed to even look at myself in the mirror
I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.
this is best joke :D watch it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVHlZkzPiH0
What kind of pants does mario wear? DENIM DENIM DENIM
People that live in glass houses have tons of dead birds on their lawn.
Why did the two chickens cross the road? To avoid debating Bernie Sanders
My vision is okish But in just a few years I'll be able to see 2020
Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again. -Adobe Updater
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I will show you a picture on my phone, but if you swipe right or left, I will break your finger.
Hi, I'm your car's radio. I'll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I'll play your favorite song.
What is the bird synonymous with abstinence The Swallow
What do you call the indian prime minister's method of operation? Modi's operandi.
What do you call a twelve faced shape made out of genitals? A dodickahedron.
[NSFW] What is the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
What do you call someone without any shins? Toeknee.
I've got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn't going to make me type any faster.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip-off :)
Jesus drove a Honda but didn't talk about it. *"For I did not speak of my own Accord"* (John 12:49)
The most active user on reddit: [deleted]. Seriously this guy is everywhere.
What's the best part of finger banging a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.
(Worst Joke) Why did Hitler open the window? To let fresh aryan
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get your nose between its legs?
Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
I'm currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
"Can I help you find something?" I'm looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says "sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite"
[sexy time] Me: Let me be your fantasy. Him: It's a Star Wars thing. Me: Say no more. *leaves* *comes back dressed as Yoda*
My girlfriend just became a porn star She's gonna be pretty pissed when she finds out.
Nobody likes you "100 Calorie Packs." Nobody.
What do you call an unambiguous body of water? The Specific Ocean
what did the lactose intolerant man say after eating an ice cream cone? please excuse my dairy air
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear....He also sells shampoo.
What do you say when you see two cleaning ladies making out in public? Get a broom.
WHISKERS: There's nothing there. Go ahead. BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff* WHISKERS: Technically ^-- why we don't have seeing-eye cats
Why did the Pepsi Half-Time Show suck so much? Because if it was the Coke Half-Time there would have been a hologram of Tupac or the Beetles instead of Bruno Mars.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Wanna go to Copenhagen? Amsterdam sure
You know what my new year's resolution is? 1680x1050
To drown in a swamp would be a quite symmetrical way to kick the bucket ... Your life began when you were pushed out of a slimy hole, now it ends while you're getting sucked into one.
Girl, are you wearing a diaper? Cause I wanna fuck the shit out of you.
[OC] A man goes on the hunt.... for the seven men involved in his father's murder. The man kills them all. I guess you could say his father was... "Avenged, Sevenfold."
Give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for a day. Make the man a fish and you'll feed scientific curiosity for a lifetime.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you-- ME: Handcuff keys COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy's good
Him: So what do you do? Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
A Roman legionary walks into a bar.. He starts complaining about his ex-girlfriends to the bartender. The bartender replies, astounded, "how do you even manage 10 girlfriends?"
Did you hear about the popular underwear campaign? It was briefly successful
Modern art is easy to understand. If you take a dump on someone's door mat, ring the bell and run away - it's an installation. If you ring the bell and then take a dump - it's a performance.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like "MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"
A gift card that only allows the user to purchase more gift cards until they finally go insane.
I misspelled "marriage" and Auto Correct changed it to "mirage." What do you know that I don't, Auto Correct?
Talking to my old man on the phone Dad: Who was that coughing in the background? Me : Oh, that was Denise. Dad: Oh, da' niece? I thought it was da' nephew. Buh dum tsssssssss
My pull out game is so strong... When i pull out my yu gi oh cards to duel, you send yourself to the shadow realm.
They are serving "Trump Soup" at the inauguration banquet Stewed Orange and Chickpea
Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Today at work, at my desk, my boss offered me a handjob... It's okay though, I'm self employed.
At a playground, a woman asked a man "Which kid is yours?" The man replied "Haven't decided yet."
What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you can even see it.
Donald trump will be the best prime minister ever Jokes on you mods ! I already made a trump joke Damnit it's automatic. Seems like "trump will do an excellent prime minister" wasn't funn-ier
Did you hear about the prize-winning author that got a chicken in the mail? It was a pullet surprise!
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem.
Math Poor kid asks his dad: "Are we going on holiday this summer?" Dad replies: "50% yes, 100% no."
A poop joke. How did the coprophilic marine respond when asked what the most important thing in life was? Duty. Honor.
The most popular letter used in every 'dank meme' post.. Aaaaaaa lmao
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND-EYEEEEEEEEEEE!
[after blowing out all the candles on my cake] him: Did you wish for world peace again? me: haha of course. *A WILD SQUIRTLE APPEARS*
Bill Gates is a good rapper. Word.
Welcome to your 40s! Your body will do new and exciting things such as sneeze-pee, yawn-burp, and light speed chin hair growth.
Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the doctor to get my blood type when I was super depressed? He said B Positive
Whats in the middle of girl's leg ? And the answer is, 'Knee'
There's a secret menu item at McDonald's but you can't order it, you can only get it by acting like a jerk. (Cheeseburger wiped on shoe)
Have you heard of the Y-values? I heard they're all the range.
Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'? The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.
As a kid I always wanted to be a conductor ... Now I think it requires too much training.
ME: im nervous GIRLFRIEND: dont be M: what are some of his interests GF: he likes football [later] GF'S DAD: nice to meet u M: *tackles him*
Name the pig's favorite Shakespeare play.  Hamlet.
Why do turds taper off at the end? So your asshole doesn't slam shut
Saw two bums in the street going at it with cardboxes boxes... Pillow fight!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It's Christmas Eve !
What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan? They're used to disappointment.
I hate it when people don't close parentheses. (They're brackets by the way
What did one earthquake say to the other? "I don't know what your blaming me for, it's your fault!"
I watched my cat wake after an 8 hour nap, and play with joyful abandon with his 10 cent plastic snake, and thought: Lucky fucking bastard.
"You gotta try the lobs-" - I'll should tell you... "Yes?" - We're not having sex. "OK." - What were you saying? "The chicken here's great."
Why did Tommy Drop drop his ice cream Because he got hit by the ice cream truck
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie ME: ... G: Only u didn't give it to me M: [nervously adjusting thong] I'm having an affair
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET'S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
How do you keep idiots in suspense?......
You're the bomb A Muslim walks into an airport wearing the flashiest clothes, he meets a friend who shouts at him you're the bomb. Everyone sets of sprinting in all directions.
Why do midgets giggle when running through a field? The grass tickles their balls as they run.
What did the monkey say when he was on a winning streak? I've banana roll lately.
If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank. Colonel sounds right to me.
Today is Sigmund Freud's birthday Which reminds me, Mother's Day is this weekend.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
It's so annoying when people make fun of what other people are wearing. Like yeah, this dress is a little tight, my legs are a little hairy, and my dick is hanging out but still!
How do you feel if subjected to temperatures of absolute zero? 0K
*Getting murdered* omg I have the exact same knives
What do you call it when you have to listen to rock music obsessively? OC/DC
Sorry in advance Why did Helen Keller dog kill itself? You would to if your name was aaaaaaaauuuuggggfdddshnvxxkjkuuokkgdsgj
A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar... He sits down and orders a drink.
What do you call a man who owns a club for porn addicts? Master Bates
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a while to get hard, I just came out of this chick.
Why dont Muslims play Dota? Because techies respawns
A man stopped breathing today at a bar... A lady then screamed out "ANYBODY KNOW CPR" I yelled back. "I know the whole damm alphabet!" Everyone Laughed... Well except 1 guy...
How many babies does it take to paint a wall. It depends on how hard you throw them
*slips the attendant $20* "make sure you pick me out a good one" Sir this is a daycare... "uh huh *winks* a daycare"
['90s] Did you hear McDonalds just bought the naming rights to that new hockey stadium? They're calling it the Mac-Arena.
I wish people would stop asking me where I think I'll be in 5 years I don't have 2020 vision
Jokels: It's a simple joke website. http://jokels.com/
My friend said he didn't mind homosexuality, just didn't like it in his bedroom. I asked, "have you tried the kitchen?"
So I watched my first porno the other day... I'd have to say, damn I looked good.
Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickle? Because it had more cents
I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure So yeah, I got a big booty hoe
My wife is calling me Jeb Bush during sex Now I'll never come first.
I'd complain about the bathroom smelling like pine, but I'm sure it's better than whatever smell the pine is covering up.
You say the punch line first. Whats the best way to ruin a joke?
Where do poor meatballs live? In the *spaghetto.*
Ever since my wife's miscarriage she's been drinking a lot Which is ironic because thats how she got into this situation
What did the baby seal order for lunch? The club sandwich.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean? I've never paid to have a lima bean on my chest.
Why are there no coups in the US? It is the only country without a US embassy. (heard from a Brazilian friend)
Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets. Well, there goes the neighborhood.
This watch means a lot to me, I got it from my Jewish Grandfather He sold it to me on his deathbed.
I would never want to join the Boy Scouts of America They're just a bunch of BS
I went on a caving trip with my friend. I shouted to him that I found some Basalt. He shouted back "That's Gneiss!"
A chicken crosses the road... ..and meets 007 on the other side. "What's your name?" Asks the chicken. "Bond, James Bond," Says 007. "And how about you?" "Ken," Says the chicken. "Chic Ken."
The worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl is... You have to drop the bomb twice
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Santa at an interview in an IT Company. Manager: Do you know MS Office? Santa: If you give me the address, I will go there sir.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
How does one refer to intentionally harming the national bird of the U.S? It's an ill-eagle activity
Phil Spector's brother I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.
What do you call a white man surrounded by black men? Coach
What do you call an obese woman with a rape whistle? Optimistic.
They say only pedophiles won't get this joke...
How do you get Peekachu on a bus? You Pokemon
Monsters won't stop chasing me. I don't wanna play today dammit!
What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in..
I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea. He told me to take the spoon out.
A Jewish boy asked his father... for fifty dollars for a pair of sneakers. His father replied "Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
What kind of dog should you get a spanish speaker? A spaniel.
How do you figure out if Will Smith committed a crime? Dust for Fresh Prints! (i this version better than any snowstorm b.s.)
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I want to congratulate every couple that has gotten to the stage in their relationship where they just stare at each other in disgust.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
[reading test results] "It looks like you're gonna be just fine" [nurse whispers in ear] "Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks" -Steve Harvey M.D.
British Intelligence is warning that terrorist groups could fit women terrorists with exploding breast implants. They knew it was only a matter of time before Al Queda started setting booby traps...
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car
A man walks into a bar.. he got a beer, waited the responsible 1 hour, and drove home.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Not all of them.
Batman: Why so down? Aquaman: People think I'm not a real superhero. I'm tired of being walked all over. *[Jesus enters] Aquaman: Dammit!
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
What's worse than ten babies in one trash can? One baby in ten trash cans.
What's black &amp; blue and hates sex? A nun wearing a Cubs hat.
You know what's best about Texas? It's keeps all the texans in one fucking place!
What do you call a crazy person wearing pantaloons? A pantalunatic.
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings It's a complex complex complex.
My wife is so ugly... Our towels say "His" and "Its"!
Why didn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken 'came' in another box!
I only believe 12.5% of what the Bible says. Which makes me an eighth theist.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can be expected to go on before I inherit a manor with a horrifying secret
Come to Crab's Joe Shack We have Stu.
When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together. Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.
What's the same about an election and an erection? They're only one letter different, and both are about a dick rising to power.
I went SCUBA-diving and my equipment malfunctioned. I was so mad... ... it literally made my blood boil.
They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed... ...because they're all in *da nile.*
Why was the geometry teacher so dizzy? Cause he kept going in circles...
Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law. I know that now.
Three legged dog A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who executed my father."
I am the Michelangelo of writing research papers. He started the Sistine Chapel ceiling the night before it was due, right?
A horse walks into a bar And the bar tender says "why the long face?" The horse replies "my wife just died of cancer."
What do you call a snail in the Navy? A Snailor
On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they'll want me to remove my socks?*. I don't know what he thinks is about to happen.
Mexico's prison system
The US goverment EDIT: Sorry, I know this isn't fairly original. I promise better next time.
What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers? The feathers. The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces. The more you know...
*tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Clever Life is a Joke. :P
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I'd do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
IamA (Blank) AMA! **My short bio:** Enter stuff here **My Proof:** Enter link here
How do you make an elephant float? Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend.
Dog Park Kid: What's his name? Me: Dorito. He's a therapy taco. Don't pet him. Kid:*Throws Ball* Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
With oil prices falling... Burning the midnight oil just got cheaper.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Why does Japan love Obama? He is first Barack president.
We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat 'em all. ^^^^^(Paracetamol)
What do you call a cow masterbating? Beef strokinoff
Ah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you know you have boobs, go get checked. You too ladies.
At least we know the people who killed the 5 cops in Texas weren't terrorists Because Muslims can't kill pigs. I'm going to hell
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald's because fitness is a lifestyle
What secret society do strippers work for? The Illuminaughty.
Why did the T.V. break up with the remote? She thought he was too controlling.
I'm making a Band! I started a band called 999 Megabytes...we haven't gotten a gig yet.
Did you hear about the logical skunk? It made sense.
Why did the fetus kill his twin? There wasn't enough womb for the two of them!
I had to go get a mole removed today God knows how he got up there!
On the 1st episode of Casper the Friendly Ghost, Casper the Friendly Boy was eaten by a clown behind his grandparents' barn.
What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach? Flip-Flips.
"Hey, let's make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS." -inventor of incense
what if you looked as good as your best selfie all the time wouldnt that be wonderful
A 65 year old actress with early Alzhiemer's got a Botox shot, and later regretted it. She couldn't remember her lines.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn't vote for himself
What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
Whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid good money to have a lentil on my chest
Steven Tyler is aging pretty gracefully for a claymation skeleton who fell into a pile of feathers.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already
My goal is to one day make it through an entire p orn movie.
I have a punchline with no joke. Help me out guys. Herpules and plaugasus...
you know how Hitler used to tie his shoes? In little nazis
I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic.
It's raining. I'm going to be late for work. I can't fit my hair in the car.
I got arrested one night while camping... The policeman said I was loitering within tent.
How did I get out of Iraq? Iran
The trampoline used to be called a jumpoline until your mum jumped on it
I don't like working at the IRS It's incredibly taxing
What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of religious leaders? A 360 No-Pope
What to do with a child soldier lower your aim. someone i met who is in the army told me this is what his sergeant told them, he didnt intend it as a joke.
What do you call an Asian man with one leg? Tie Won Shoo
What do you call a group of racist mathematicians? The K^3
Don't go to the bathroom outside that shit's illegal
The wife of a programmer tells him.. "Honey, would you please go to the store and get us a watermelon for the barbeceu. If they have eggs get a dozen." He came back with twelve watermelons.
You know you're single when the only calls you get at night are Nature's.
I asked my wife what my rapper name should be. She suggested, "2-PAAQ" 2 pumps and a quiver. :'(
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
What's an SJW's favorite JRPG? Chrono Triggered.
What do you call a hobbit that looks good in pictures? Frodo-genic
What do you call half a ginger? George.
I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity... ...70% of the internet is being completely wasted.
A midget Mexican is called a paragraph. Because he aint no full essay ;)
I plan to watch some movie with girlfriend this evening. Can somebody recommend a girlfriend?
What do a walrus and tupperware have in common? Both lookin for a tight seal.
How do the Chinese name their children They drop silverware in the sink and listen to the sound it makes
English teacher 01 My english teacher walks into the class furious of the boys in his class for not completing the homwork. In his rage he shouts , I have two daughters .. Both are girls ....
Why did the DJ have such small hands? Wee paws for station identification.
What's the difference between a horny man and a vampire? Vampires don't come inside without permission
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC? Daughter: Looking at peckers. M: WHAT?!? D: Science project on chickens. M: Oh. D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Hot waitress just gave me her digits! I have them in a cooler in my trunk.
*on death bed* priest: any regrets my child? *montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it* me: uhhhhh
Why is Kylo Ren so lonely all the time? He's Ben Solo his whole life
What do snakes take for their sniffles? Antihissssstamines!
A man told his doctor he has a small problem The doctor replied: "Is it your penis?"
A guy walks into a bar... "Ouch!"
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Nothing says "poor money management" like a run down house with a 60 inch plasma screen in the living room.
I once was lost, but now I'm drunk, was blind but now, I pee.
Self checkouts are great if you're in a hurry or don't want to pay for everything.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it's still terrifying because at this point, that's basically all my blood is
"You can't teach a dog new tricks." - bad dog trainer
Harrison Ford crashed because he saw three people urinating into one of the holes. See 3 pee O (C3PO)
My grandma thinks of me as a rock star... Always having me sign her tits. Takes forever.
If Jesus had been discovered to have no risen, what would this be called? Resurectile dysfunction.
What do you call an emo band without any Jewish members? Fall Out Goy
What do you call someone who reads in the sun? Well Red.
With the concerns over water quality at the upcoming Rio Olympic games, I think we should ask, what would Jesus do? Walk on water, he ain't swimming in that filth.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
TIFU by calling a flight attendant a stewardess. Man did he get pissed off.
Remember when.. Remember when "Netflix and chill" used to mean... watching Netflix and chillin'?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me.
[dog park] Go get it, boy! *dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace* Ugh, you're the worst golden retriever ever
What's the name of Tyler The Creator's dad? The Tyler Creator
There are two types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data... ...
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? Stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
One terrorist says to another: "Did you hear, Malala is single?..." "...you should take a shot."
i was sitting next to a gorgeous girl on the bus yesterday i was so nervous. i kept thinking to myself "please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner". she got a boner.
What's the most influental animal rights philosopher? Karl Barx
[RACIST] The Parrot A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?" "Africa," says the parrot.
I love the way the Earth rotates... It really makes my day
What did the Jamaican priest call the guy who was arrested for sealing several tonnes of spices? A cinna-mon
YOU: I murdered someone. YOUR DOG: I'm totally cool with that. I love you. ****************** YOU: I murdered someone. YOUR CAT: Me too.
What does Little Finger call the entrance to his brothel? Hodor.
What do you get a first dad for father's day? Condoms. Courtesy of my witty ole' uncle mike
Temperatures last night dropped into the high 80s. Flannel PJs and a heavy down comforter kept my teeth from chattering too loudly.
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds, Poor bastard.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre... so the barman gives her one.
In my experience, all edible underwear just ends up being crotchless.
Did you hear about the guy who was frozen to absolute zero? Don't worry he was OK.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I'm suing samsung. I bought a Fucking Note 7 for my wife and it stil didn't explode.
How much equations does it take to finish a math test? Only Sum
What do you call a pedophile with a thesaurus? An ephebophile
Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie. Me: Yeah, I'm the iceberg and you're the Titanic. #Queen
What's the hardest part of telling your parents that you're gay? getting up their front stairs in your rollerblades
I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.
Who decided to call them "children", and not 'snot machines'.
Did anyone see the lunar eclipse tonight? It was right by 'your anus'.
A German bakers was robbed... Apparently everything was stollen.
Nobody wanted to see the naked banana . . . it just lacked appeal
What's a black mailman called? A blackmailer. I'll show myself out :(.
No wonder Santa is so jolly... He knows where all the naughty girls live.
My friend's son really has trouble reading and writing. I told him he's probably quite unliterate.
The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots. They must feel really deflated.
I want to tell the sun to stop being so self-centered But the world does revolve around him
John said: "Come forth, and receive eternal salvation." However, John came fifth and got a toaster.
I'm Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I'm having second thoughts about booking time to visit an Indian community. I guess I'm having reservation reservation reservations.
So the square root of -1 is performing in a Broadway show Suddenly, an audience member stands up and shouts "I'm sure everyone will agree that i could replace you!"
What is a vajazzle made of? Pubic Zirconia.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me five times, good job, you're the guy who makes the trailers for the Paranormal Activity movies.
Why did a Mexican girl get pregnant? She was told to do an essay in school.
Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Potato
What does Cam Newton and Fig Newton have in common? They both crumble under pressure
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged. Credit to my house-mate for this gem!
You can kiss a nun once, you can kiss a nun twice.... ...but don't get into the habit
"Five year plan?" [shuffles papers] ...written down here somewhere ... Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Chemistry Hotel So I was driving down the road, getting pretty tired on my way home and saw a sign that said "Chemistry Hotel" the sign said: *"Cheap Day Rates, and Even Cheaper NO3-'s"*
Saudi Arabia 'chosen to head key UN human rights panel' Joke is UN.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac-man. For 25 cents she would swallow balls until she died.
Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.
Reporters Why did the reporter only dunk chips in the middle of the dip? He just wanted the inside scoop.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My fan has two settings: - Barely moving. - Could propel a hovercraft across the Everglades.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
My ex girlfriend was like a pile of shit. Always had a thousand eyes on her.
Presidents Day was created by big corporations to get you to buy more presidents.
I tried to explain what a double-entendre is But it's soooo hard
What do you get when you cross the Queen of England and Prince Charles? Killed in a tunnel.
Two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do!
What do you call an intelligent prostitute? A fucking genius!
Ma'am...we're going to have to ask you to get off of the table. Ma'am... (me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
What do you call an obese terrorist who plays for the Yankees? Derek Bin Jeter
I need to get my shit together. It's in little piles in my kitchen & then there's some more in my wife's closet.
I was once blind for 5 years It was a very dark time in my life.
What does Hitler hate about leg day ? Mein Krampf
Sometimes I find it hard to express myself because FedEx hears me breathing.
My fear of dogs went away after I dated my ex Cause she was a total bitch
They say it takes more muscles in your face to frown than it does to smile. So, I say exercise your face... Get married and have teenage children. You will be frowning more than you imagined.
What did the two iPhones say to the two iPads? "Want to get kinky and have a 4G?"
Do you know what a woman says when she sees a big dick? I know.
What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died? Well I'll be damned!
Behind every great woman is a man checking out her ass.
"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?" "No." "Why not, sir?" "Because, it would make my rabbi sad."
why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3? Yoda was In charge of scheduling
Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.
I'm not redneck! I'm from Texas! We ride horses. They ride their cousins.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Its been so long since I've had sex, my next time can't possibly be bad. For my partner, however, its guaranteed.
"You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that's why we're getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Trump's last two chances to save his election campaign at the second debate: 1. Be endorsed by Dave. 2. Bring out a resurrected Harambe on stage.
At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn't matter. So I got it in Detroit.
Why did the vampire pull out? He needed permission to come inside.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My deaf girlfriend started talkin in her sleep last night Nearly poked my eye out
A robber broke into a perfume store... He raided the register and stole everything in the store, he took every last scent.
WRITING TIP: Every movie should start with a close-up of an alarm clock going off and a hand clumsily trying to silence it.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Ankansas ! Ankansas who ? Ankansas though any piece of wood !
My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means. Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?
Why do gay guys have a really good fashion sense? Well, you would think so after spending so much time in the closet.. Read this somewhere awhile ago and made me laugh XD
Just finished a chat via text msg in which the girl finished every single sentence with "lol". It was draining lol. Wanna kill myself lol.
What do you call jeans that haven't been worn before? Vir-jeans
Fishes. What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?
I said this to my girlfriend today, she wasn't impressed Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I'm shit at poems, Now show me your tits.
What did Thor have to wear when he broke his tailbone? An Asgard.
My boys are gamers and I'm single It's like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Why do Jews hate water? Because the last one that stepped into a shower got bad gas.
'Dad, how do you feel about abortions?' Why don't you ask your sister? But I don't have a .........oooooh.
There was a competition in the park today, who could go the longest without sitting or laying down. I was outstanding.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
What's long and hard and fucks old people? Osteoporosis
Chuck Norris has a roundhouse-kick app for his iPhone 8.0
[religion]What's the difference between Jezus and a picture of Jezus? You only need one nail to hang the picture
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
You know what they say.Once you go black.... you're a single mother.
I just saw a Nazi drive past me at 88 mph Probably going Back to the Fuhrer
Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea? The Oyster Bunny!
IKEA has invented a half full glass for optimists, that can ALSO serve as a half empty glass for pessimists!!!
I organized a threesome this past weekend. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time.
Where do cows go on Saturday nights? The slaughter house
Give a girl a slutty costume and she'll whore around for one night. Give her a bad education and she'll whore around forever.
I don't think that we should let kids listen to symphonies. There's too much Sax and Violins nowadays.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Poland started World War 2 like Iraq was responsible for 9/11
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frikken Sandy....
Why does the dwarf laugh when he runs? Cause the grass tickles his balls...
Cool things always happen when I don't have a camera.
What's the difference between the Oscars and the BET Awards? Oscar winners can thank BOTH of their parents.
What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge? Killed.
Did you hear about the guy with five penises? His pants fit like a glove.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
"Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me." *shakes tambourine* "Got any others?" *shakes tambourine* "Sounds a lot like the last one"
One day a boy was answering all the questions right in class.... Girl: Wow, what a fucking nerd Teacher: Be nice, he might be your boss one day Boy: Nah, I don't ever plan on being a pimp
If I was moments away from my death I would ask someone for a 5-hour Energy drink.
Even with all the flooding in LA I don't think the police should be able to shutdown the major roadways.. Because that's highway robbery
How's your Mom's cherry pie taste? Meh.. It's Oedipal
Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
Have you ever tried North Korean food? [Neither have they](#s)
Hey girl, is your dad in jail? Because if I was your dad, I'd be in jail too.
*Knock knock* "Who's there?" "Madame." "Madame who?" Madame foots stuck in the door.
Tibet and Tiwan REJOICE! Oh, nevermind. Wrong Chyna.
Why do hot dogs come in packs of 8 but my dad left us when I was 6?
What religious group does reddit belong in? Cat holics
What do you call someone with a spice garden on Gallifrey? A Thyme Lord.
I dunno why people say hurtful things like... "Wanna go for a run?" or "Try this kale."
Which fish is the redneck's favorite? A Bearcooter
Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican? Under a bar of soap.
I'm just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.
What's three feet tall and can't turn around in a hallway? A toddler with a harpoon in it's throat.
Food is like dark humor.. Not everyone gets it.
Why are there no gay men in the army reserves? All of the fruits are diploid
Why didn't willy wonka choose violet to take over the factory? Because that would require a woman to break the glass ceiling.
Confessions A man goes to a priest and says : "Father i have sinned a lot lately. I hustled some money from a Jew". The priest answers :"Son that's not a sin, it's a MIRACLE ! "
What is white, moody, easy to beat and makes me do stupid stuff? My penis.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.
Loooooser I am A Looser.  Really You are?
whats the name of the app? Q: Name the app for which all the USERS must be LOSERS? A: TINDER
Why can't the sun talk? (First post) It doesn't have an ellipse.
Wives are also like hurricanes... When they come they're wet and wild, when they leave they take your house and your car.
So a neutron walks into a bar He asks the bartender "how much for drink?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit" ...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."
Stephen is a much nicer name than "hen from a previous marriage."
Why do women live longer than men? They're not married to women.
Grammar is: 1. How we structure our sentences. 2. Grandpa's wife. Some of you will pick number two.
Just when you thought 2016 was over. Wham.
Leo finally won an Oscar. His acting must have been a solid 5/7.
Whenever I play Hide'n'Seek, I always hide in the toilet It was a pretty crappy place to hide
Do you NOT like Undertale? Then you must be UNDER the crowd!
Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you
What does an elephant say when it kidnaps someone? "Get in the trunk"
Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming? Nuclear winter
If Hilary Clinton and Donald trump go on a stranded island together who survives? America.
When does a non-believer become a dirty kafir infidel? When he leaves the room.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Wanna hear a joke about an unsharpened pencil? Nevermind, there's no point
Just stuck my tongue in an outlet. The results were shocking.
I saw a chameleon today... So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.
Why do black people smell bad? So blind people can hate them too
What's the difference between politics and professional wrestling?.. In professional wrestling they know what they are doing.
The best cure for dry coughing. Take some laxative. You will not cough, trust me.
What do you find between Godzilla's toes? Slow runners.
"Check out Zach Galifinapkins over here!" - joke I have prepared if I ever see a bearded man holding a lot of napkins.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's half off.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I'd put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Why should the Roman Catholic Church allow priests to marry? They would have a more detailed understanding of what Hell is actually like.
I had dinner with Garry Kasparov last night... I had dinner with Garry Kasparov last night and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Yep, she needs a walker
Team work is important, it helps to put the blame on someone else.
If at first you don't succeed.. Then that's it for skydiving.
What do you call two Jews walking into a bar? It's called a business proposition. What do you call two black guys walking in to a bar? It's called a robbery
Did you hear about the ice cream man that committed suicide? He topped himself.
One day, someone will call me sir without adding "I think we're going to have to ask you to leave."
ISIS math problem Ahmed has 5 bags. If he gives 2 to Mohamed and 1 to Jamal. Then calculate the radius of the blast.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the 'close' button
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies. He was dead Sirius.
You got the whitest teeth ever come across.
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible but I like your thinking".
Red Bull gives you wings... So what do you get when you drink Green Bull? Twigs!
Who won the first tour de France? The 7th German Panzer Division
A cop stops a prostitute... and asks have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before? "No, but I've been swung around by my titties."
I painted my scanner black so it would run faster. Now it can't read.
What did the guy say when he found out that his wife's breast s had implants? "THOSE ARE SILLY CONES"
Q: What is hail? A: Hard-boiled rain.
Yur mom is so fat Her nipples look like bologna slices.
When life gives you lemons... ...you won't get scurvy.
What's the real definition of trust? Two gay cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
I bought a new dog yesterday. I've named him Rolex.......he's a watchdog
Heard Prince changed his name... ...to, "The Artist Formerly known as Alive".
I just got caught having sex in a church. Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her funeral was over.
What time did Sean Connery arrive at the Wimbledon? Tennish
I met this wonderful girl who thinks small penis isn't an obstacle for a good relationship. Now I just have to get used to that she has one.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they can't change anything.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Donald Trump is not actually a member of the Republican Party He's a *Whig*
I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep
What did Cinderella say when she got down to the ball? Mmmrrggglllrrsllurp
It was a stormy night at work And thunder struck at the same time that the telephone rang. The Hash Slinging Slasher (this is no joke)
99 times out of ten, I'm making shit up.
Just got out of a 13 month coma Just in time to see my child born!
FRED: Your monster was making a terrible noise last night. BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna he thinks he can sing.
Optimism I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist. I just don't have a whole lot to work with.
Going to meet my daughter's kindergarten teacher tonight. Her name is Miss Cox. Not sure I'm mature enough for this situation.
Somebody called me a racist today! I mean I think they did, it's so hard to hear through these white hoods.
Romans were rich, Romans had feasts! But for the love of god stay away from their priests!
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The people in the world trade center, these mother fuckers blew threw a hundred stories in two seconds!
Hang in there Dave At the rate that all the celebrities are dying let's hope Dave doesn't die before the years up, it'd be devastating
"Are you watching porn again??" No way! This is an episode of 'How It's Made' about people.
What goes great with Alphabet Soup? Times New Ramen
What does an Italian cow say when he gets an extra delivery of hay to the barn? That's amorehay!
The difference between 4Chan and Reddit. http://www.wwwdotcom.com/
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
You should need a license to be that ugly.
The England team won't be voting in the referendum They can never find the box let alone put a cross in it.
A whale asks his dad "Dad where do I come from" The father whale replies, "well from my penis" "Oh. Thanks." Responded.the junior whale "You're whalecum"
I need some advice What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning? I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off
I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but I hear they deal with alot of pricks.
What do you call a Jihad male cow? Abominable
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Why don't we ever go 'forth and back'? To go forth and multiply is more fun.
I have a theory on how to bang large woman It's called the big bang theory
"I'm sorry, is this your wallet?" poapoale&amp;&amp;2&amp;22222
Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who raped a woman and ran away? "Nut screws and bolts".
Groucho Marx once said: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
MFW I'm bread and I have to remind people to put the twist tie back on the packaging Fuck I mold
What did the divers find the sunken Korean ferry had hit? Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
Where did Nicholas II of Russia get his coffee? Tsarbucks.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear... [2 days later] *Caesar opens mailbox* "oh FFS Van Gogh IT'S A SAYING!!!!!'
What did the fast food employee do when he decided to quit? He chicken tendered his resignation.
What do you call a Black Guy surrounded by 5 White Guys? Toby
[first day of work as a 911 operator] "Hello, 911" Hi someone's trying to break into my house "holy shit call 911"
What's a rabbits' favorite musical? Hare.
'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place
Racist joke. As a white guy, it really bothers me that only black people can say "nigger"... ...That's OUR word. lol thank you. All credit goes to me. I'm awesome.
There's this guy at work who's giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow. His name was Tom.
If someone asks you what time it is they either: want to sleep with you; or are some kind of psycho that doesn't have a cellphone.
Top 4 Adult Jokes Year 2008
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
What did the farming professor say to his new students? "Welcome to my field."
Why do so many people like hanging out with Mr. Mushroom? Because he's a Fungi!
My doctor said I have hemorrhoids... but I think he is wrong: everybody says I am a perfect asshole!
Why do white girls travel in groups of 3? Because they can't even
Punctuation is important... A missed period should always raise alarm.
what did one lesbian vampire say to the other? same time next month? (hopefully not a repost)
Who did the dyslexic devil worshipper sell his soul to? Santa
LPT before weighing yourself, take a poop... You'll weigh a shit load less.
Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system. For putting up with my shit.
Amber Alert, but for the TV remote
Girls pants are like a cheap hotel... ... no ballroom.
First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a cop] Her: do you come here often? Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
What's the difference between a fridge and a gay man? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Mum!! Please can you take me to the toilet? No! I'm busy. Ask your grandmother. Actually I'd rather ask Grandad. His hand shakes more.
What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
A nurse goes to the bank As she is about to sign her name on the deposit slip she pulls out a rectul thermometer, "awww crap some asshole has my pen."
Why was the penguin banned from the Winter Olympics? He was caught taking Polaroids.
that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup
Two computers are on a date. One says to the other, "i'm not your type."
BUNGEE JUMPING  $25 per person. @$$holes get in FREE! No strings attached.
My step-dad's pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?
The doctor told me to stay positive I have HIV
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister. I grounded them both because I'm not raising any communists.
Duck Jokes What do you call a duck addicted to crack? A quack head. What is a ducks favorite snack? Quackers. Why couldn't the duck drive his car? His windshield was quacked.
What a gay guy's favorite type of medicine A Suppository.
What do you say to a woman with a black eye? Nothing. She's already been told.
What kind of education does a horny mathematician impart? Sets education.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they're DEAD. Plants are ALIVE, vegans. You disgust me.
Great news for the Texas Rangers baseball players Now that Ron Washington is no longer the manager, they are putting coke back in the vending machines
I'm a Polish student in the UK Today the cashier in ASDA asked me if I needed help packing my bags. The Brexit is worse than I thought...
What did the man say when he realized the boy who asked him out was an orphan? No home oh
How does Albus get into Hogwarts? Through the Dumble-door
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I'd imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
I could tell you a UDP joke... But you might not get it.
Dog with no legs Where do you find a dog with no legs? Answer. Where ever you put him.
Female Ghostbusters? What about male Charlie's Angels?
Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Why did the policeman shoot the empty LED? It was a black one.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Are you Jewish? Because your body's smokin ;)
I secretly love men from Scotland... It's my kilty pleasure.
A stupid knock knock joke Knock knock! Who's there? Europe. Europe Who? No you're a poo!
What do you call a Chinese who drives an airplane?
what a compliment by husband../ Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
I don't get it, no one complains when Madonna and Angelina Jolie steal black kids from Africa.
What does a strawberry and a blueberry have in common? They both can't ride a bicycle!
How many /r/jokes reposts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Apparently a lot, because that lightbulb still isn't screwed in.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well... except when it rains.
I log in facebook to see that everyone is at the bar... I go to the bar to see that everyone is on facebook.
Your volume level is at a flamboyantly gay band geek and I need you to turn it down to a shy Asian transfer student.
A man walks into a bar... Ow
Why do Native Americans have such good hearing? They have engineers
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you're continuing to tweet.
Asia and his father are playing a board game. Asia's father takes his turn. He looks at Asia and says, "Europe, Asia."
[faulty megaphone] LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE'S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO. [bangs megaphone on hand] JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Fishy tales Why couldn't the Egyptian fisherman get over the fact that his boat had sunk? Because he was stuck in denial.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
How much does the average introvert weigh? Not enough to break the ice.
One day she says "Treat me like a princess," the next she's pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women...
When it comes to discipline, I think I lack concentration camp.
How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree murder? He left fresh prints all over the scene.
A guy walks into a psychiatrists office... ...wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts".
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
what's grey and comes in quarts? an elephant
There's a new band called "1023Mb" They don't have any gigs yet.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.
Sure, I could agree with you.... Buy why should we BOTH be wrong?
Lol how "take you out" could mean either we're going on a date or I'm gonna kill you.
Why did the Greenlander get so angry when he didn't win the lottery? Because he was inuit to win it
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris ... dies.
Roses are expensive... Violets are gay... Poems are for pussies... Have a nice day...
This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once in 823 years. waw.
If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I have a cramp in my penis... could you rub it for me?
To all the haters out there, I think Melania Trump's speech hit all the right keys. Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V
Finally threw out some old bananas because once they go black you never go back.
What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming? Pork! Pork! Pork!
I feel that jokes about basements are beneath me... ...but I won't tell you a joke about roofs because it'll go over your head.
I couldn't recall where I had rented my car from... ...but then I remembered the Alamo
Post this on your Facebook then count your programmer friends. My phone is broken, please send me message on my Facebook or my Gmail.
Asian Drivers Are So Bad... that I wouldn't be surprised if Pearl Harbor was an accident
Every girl loves when a boy whispers those three special words in her ear. "Let's go fishin'." Merica.
What's red and silly? A blood clot.
(Adobe CEO's house) Like the new couch hun? Update it. What about the wallpap... UPDATE IT ALL. You're scaring the ki... UPDATE THEM TOO...
What do you get when you mix Viagra with Disney World? Kicked out.
Freaky Friday 2: The mom and daughter switch bodies again The mom doesn't go back She keeps stealing children's bodies She lives forever
Martha's Vineyard joke: why do seagulls fly to the dump to beat the Portuguese
My friend was called fat today. I told him "It'll be okay, just keep your chins up".
A man walks into a bar and says "OW!"
Soon every possible joke will be written on twitter and we will be forced to face our feelings.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
What was Eve charged with after murdering Adam in the Garden? Being a first-person shooter
Why can't the shepherd remember how many he had sex with? --- he keeps falling asleep when he counts them.
What are three words you dread the most while  making love? "Honey I'm home."
Porn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
My girlfriend reacts to 'sex night' the way a 6 year old does to 'bath night'
Some days when I think back on music from the late 90's I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport* TSA agent: I've never seen this low of a reading
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: Only one Arian but an awful lot of light bulbs.  (*smash*)
I lost my watch at a party once... I saw this guy stepping on it while sexually assaulting a girl. I walked up to him and punched him right in the nose. No one does that to a girl. Not on my watch.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Hodor
How did the greeks separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
I went to a Grateful Dead concert last night. They played for 18 hours. It was a good song.
I wanted to get a haircut today after work around 8:45... but they closed at 9, so that's cutting it close.
I've always wanted a pew in my house Because I remember how well I use to sleep on those.
I guess FIFA had to pee cause they couldn't hold their Blatter anymore.
First Review in for "The Force Awakens" Absolutely to die for
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.
What is Paula Deen's favorite insect? The Butterfly
I always have too much month left at the end of my money.
If someone doesn't text u back it's certainly bc whatever u texted them was so stupid that it destroyed whatever relationship u may have had
I hate it when gross couples tell you they're trying for a baby and you have to picture them fucking for a second.
Fried potatoes Mashed potatoes Baked potatoes Twice baked potatoes Potato chips -if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Where do cats go on vacation? Maui.
Why couldn't Harry play basketball? Because he's got no arms.
What's Mario's favorite fruit? Peach.
My friend was like "hey bring some cd's to listen to on the trip" and I was like "where are we going, 2001?"
God made every person different... He got tired by the time he got to China...
Is that a tuna roll in your pocket, or are you just happy sashimi yuk yuk yuk
Ever wonder where people got their surnames from? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher might have been a butcher. ...then there's Mr. Dickinson.
In a spelling bee contest, what is a Jewish candidates worst nightmare? A grammar Nazi
Why was the blot of ink so sad? It's mother was in the pen and it didn't know how long the sentence was.
Money is the root of all larger amounts of money.
How many moles are in a guacamole? Avacado's number.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.. The plot thickens.
I was asked if I preferred legs or breasts... I said a shaved vagina is better, But apparently that wasn't really appropriate in KFC.
This must be the 8th castle because I just found my princess.
What are the chances of familiarising myself with a semiaquatic amphibian to the point of ownership? My newt.
Why was the cannibal sad at dinner? Because he got the cold shoulder.
How to have sex How do you get a gay man to have sex with a female? You fill her cunt up with shit.
It's ok to laugh during sex...just don't point.
It's time to end double standards. It doesn't make sense that if a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut... But if a guy does the same thing, he's gay.
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands! You're welcome.
I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.
I dated a girl once who turned out to be a cannibal. That really came back to bite me in the ass.
Taking the Drivers test made me realize I wanted to be a race car driver..... ......the instructor was surprised at how fast I was driving.
Heard this one at the bar last night: Women are good for 70 things... Making sandwiches and 69.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants... The bartender looks over and says, "Get the fuck out of my bar, we're sick of hearing this goddamn joke."
Why are black people unable to get a PhD? Because they can't get past their masters.
When in Texas... *heads into the desert* *hugs cactus* *shoots said cactus* *rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
What do you call the illegitimate son of a man with a big face? A cheeky bastard.
A superposition walks into a bar . . . . . . or ***did*** it???
How do you confuse an irishman? Lean 3 shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.
What's Irish and never comes inside? Patty O'Furniture.
What do you call a Asian walking a dog A vegetarian
Two men see a dog licking its nads The first man says, "I wish I could do that." The second man says, "What do you mean? Anyone can lick a dog's nads."
What do you call someone who would do *anything* for a chocolate snack cake? A ho ho ho. (merry xmas!)
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Alickalotapuss
The bartender asks him "What will you have" A time traveller walks into a bar
Current life status - By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
A wife is like a hand grenade.. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
If Ekans is Snake backwards and Abroc is Cobra backwards... What does that say for Muk?
what does Geico and your girlfriend have in common? Shes so easy a cave man could do her.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse] Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Whats the difference between a hormone and an enzyme??? You can't hear an enzyme, but you can hear a hormone.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you're stupid?
Advertisement for a crane company... Advertisement for a crane company: Call us, and we'll hook you up!
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton  viola concerto? A: Music Minus One.
So this morning I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Around Ten-ish.
Not much of a "First Aid" kit if it doesn't have peanut butter in it.
What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&amp;White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup
What do you call it when a pimp catches a roomful of hookers snorting coke? A punchline.
Twitter turns six today. It seems like just yesterday that I spoke to my family.
I should try my hand at high stakes poker because I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face when knowingly using an expired coupon.
Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again. Sweet.
Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.
As a grown adult man, good luck trying to scare me with anything besides a gun, or common household insects.
You can chew on the end of the pencil But you can't erase the tooth.
What did the Chinese man say when ophthalmologist told him he had a cataract? *No, I have a Rincoln Continental!*
When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.
Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming "I'M GONNA CRUMB" because I have something wrong with me
accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy
Did you hear about the people holding a raffle with the prize as a coffin? It was a dead giveaway.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Took the sticker off a banana, put it on my shirt and said, "I hereby deputize you to uphold the law in Bananatown!" Elevator is silent now.
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at  the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Why aren't there many black baseball players Because they steal to many bases (I'm not racist it's just a joke don't be butthurt)
A boy asks his dad Boy: Daddy why do we call Mr Brown, brown? Dad: Probably cause he poops brown. Boy: like Mr White I guess.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Why is Peter Pan ALWAYS flying? He neverlands. lol this joke never grows old.
Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say "I'm Irish". No.
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I'm trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
What did the Scientologist play on his Wii? Xenublade
There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[every 3 hours] You know what screw it jm going to treat myself
Henry IV got injured while bowling. One could say that he, Bolingbroke, while bowling, broke.
Me: Can I leave early? Boss: Why? Me: Death Boss: Who died? Me: No one yet Boss: Me: Boss: Get out
Dear Monday. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my weekend. Prepare to die.
You'd be surprised how many strangers will let you hug them when you approach with open arms & a big smile. None. I've been stabbed 3 times
Everybody who has played Russian Roulette will tell you it's safe. Well, at least 5/6 people will.
So many babies. So little ketchup.
How did the florist act after getting her dream job? Got so excited she wet her plants.
Why did the semen cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Your mother is so fat.. ..when she wears high heels she strikes oil
Why did the synagogue ban Monopoly? Because the fights over who got to be the banker were getting bloody
[God creating bats] GOD: I wonder what a bird would look like if it was a demon?
In order to catch herpes... You need to think like a herpe.
My username is fatatata I am not fatatall
Knock Knock Who's there ? Chuck ! Chuck who ? Chuck in a sandwich for lunch
Me: I'm nervous about mingling at the party Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to [Party] Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
What's the difference between pink and purple? Grip strength.
I saw a man the other day arguing with a traffic sign The sign looked incredibly uncomfortable. It really wanted him to Stop.
"Knock knock" If you hear knocking come from your screen then you definitely need to go and see an expert.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver I told them 'Sorry I'm late' They said 'you're hired'
A boy was snapping rubber bands on his friends arm He kept doing it in the same spot every second, over and over again until the friend eventually said, "Ouch, that one Hertz."
Height Of Facebook Influence Height of Facebook influence Doctor the patient: How you're feeling now? Patient: I'm feeling lonely with chill girl and 60 other persons
What are a redneck's last words? "Hey, guys, look what I can do!"
Do you know that crazy Mexican that steals trains? He had loco motives
Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed I'm sure they'll soon get over it
I used to cry when my dad chopped onions. I miss Onions, he was a good dog.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn't understand quite so well.
ATTENTION TARGET SHOPPERS THERE IS A VAN PARKED OUTSIDE WITH A FLAMING UNICORN PAINTED ON IT WOULD THE OWNER PLEASE COME UP FRONT FOR A HI 5
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent.. That's a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I'll be there in 6 hours
What's the Craziest Place You Ever Made Whoopee? That'd have to be in the Butt, Bob.
Where do Squarells live? In Geometrees. I am not embarrassed to say I made this up two weeks ago while teaching quadrilaterals. The groan from my students could be heard for miles.
How Did the Janitor Get Rich? Sweepstakes.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? Wipes his ass.
A woman runs into a panhandler on the street... Panhandler: "Would you please spare me some change? I haven't eaten in three days.." Woman: "Well, you've gotta force yourself."
I like writing my own chemistry jokes... Because the only good ones Argon.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
How do you get a white trash girl to suck your dick? Dip it in ranch dressing.
What do you call a midget psychic that's on the run from the law? A small medium at large.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.
Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there'll only be 2 "hits"; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are  we running so fast?" asked one. "Because" said the second "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"
A long one. /| | | | | | | \___
What cooks better than women? Jews.
DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort. SNAPE: Dude, seriously?
I'm one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Most useless fish. Mermaid
Why do Jews watch porn in reverse... Their favorite part is when the girl gives the money back....
What do you call a greedy marsupial? A kangajew
What do you call a white man flying a plane? Clive, usually.
What did the farting pharaoh say to the farting slave? We only have a Toot in common.
Do it for the vine https://vine.co/v/eu9MOKJaiYi
My friend Diego lost is id. He still has his ego and superego, the bastard!
*walks in on home intruder "omg please don't look at the dust!"
Im wearing my camouflaged underwear. They'll never see me cuming
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
sick of bullshit dui checkpoint profiling just because i'm a white male with the jagermeister logo emblazoned across his truck windshield
Donald Trump discovers porn I bet Donald Trump was pretty disappointed when he typed "BBW" in the Pornhub search bar, and videos of Big Beautiful Walls didn't pop up...
Cupping? Isn't that what tween girls do to fatten their lips? #olympics2016
What do Ted Cruz and Donald Trump's father have in common? They pulled out too late.
People seem very hopeful about the news of water in Mars. But I take it with a grain of salt.
My biggest fear in life is dying from the .01% of germs that the hand sanitizer doesn't kill.
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about a buck and deer nuts are under a buck.
Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low? A: She thought it was Diet Coke.
The second rule of tautology club... is that the first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.
What'd Gandhi say when his friend told him to leave the protest? Na 'ma ste
The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is.. I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment &amp; dedication.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I always tell my kids to stay well clear of any Train tracks... ...except "Drops of Jupiter". That one's ok.
What do you call chocolate eggnog? Nignog. Eh? I laughed.
I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.
I give it two months before Trump tries putting his face on our money.
Confucius say... He who farts at church, sits in his own pew.
What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants? A large medium in smalls.
I need an emoticon that's stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I did it Reddit! I finally did it! I finally made it to the front page!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If you speak Japanese... Why would you support Trump? He's such a card.
Did you hear about the gingerbread man gynaecologist? The only tool it used was a flapjack.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball She choked
what's the stupidest animal in the jungle The polar bear.
What's the funniest thing the rock said to the geologist ? Nothing. Because rocks don't talk and geology's not funny.
Why did the monkey paint his balls red? So he could hide in the cherry tree... What's the most load noise in the jungle? ... A giraffe eating cherries!
NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station ME: wow that's awesome NASA: you and your entire family! ME: oh ok no thanks
What did the bookshelf say when it looked in the mirror? "I can see my shelf"
Making jokes about rape is hard... because it's such a touchy subject and you always have to force it
If you yawn when you're alone it's because there's a ghost in the room and he yawned first.
Damn girl are you my dad? Because you're not there
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? **Juan on Juan.**
A Doomsday Clock representing the dangers to humanity has symbolically been set to three minutes to midnight I guess you could say we are at... Threat Level Midnight
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*approaches girl in bar* *passes right through her* *i've been dead for 73 years*
What did the roach say after a series of disappointing hotel stays? This is my last resort.
How do you react when looking in the mirror? You cry because you shoved a cactus up your peckar.
*Job interview* "Im gonna need you to pee in this cup" *hands boss full cup* "Let's start the interview" *boss just sips it the whole time*
They say the hottest person in a party never gets hit on cus people are intimidated. I'm just going to assume that's why I never get hit on.
It's a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.
I hate people who buy gym memberships just to walk on a treadmill. WALKING IS FREE.
I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in the freezer!
I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in the freezer.
Where does the dentist get his gas?...At the  filling station
Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind. Little Jimmy's dad walks into his son's room and says, "Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind." Little Jimmy: "Dad I'm over here, in the living room..."
Irish wedding vs. Irish funeral (Possibly offensive? Naah...) What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he's on his way home from work.
What do you call a horse that plays the violin? Fiddler on the hoof!
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter? 10 "number 1's" and a not guilty verdict
What do you call a slutty mermaid? An H2hoe
What is Santa's favorite music? Wrap! (I came up with this when i was 8....)
I'm beginning to question your proclamation of your "spiritual gifts". You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.
Let's hollow out a meatball & just live in there forever like James & the giant peach but instead of a peach it's a meatball do you get it?
Why Do Giraffes Have Such Long Necks? So they can reach their head!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Knock knock... Who's there?... Tank... Tank who?... You're welcome
Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.
The Thai Girl One day, I decided to take a bus to work for a change. Seated across the aisle from me was a beuatiful thai girl. I thought to myself, "please don't get an erection". But she did.
When does Sean Connery usually arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
A Mormon president would face the most difficult issue any president has. Deciding who's the First Lady, who's the Second Lady, and who's the Third Lady.
Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Why I'm leaving Reddit. I have to go to the gas station to pick up some munchies.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race
When I die I want written on my tombstone "Finally Offline".
"I see your face and raise you a boner." - a fun way for a poker player to tell his girlfriend she's attractive
I hate when job recruiters ask me where I see myself in 5 years. Like come on, dude, I don't have 2020 vision.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras
The Malaysian athletes at the Commonwealth Games are looking very nervous Must be thinking about the flight home already.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None they just beat up the room for being black.
What's the difference between a BJ and reddit gold? Your mom never gave me reddit gold.
My wife caught me cross-dressing... ...and said we're finished. So I packed her clothes &amp; left.
I like finger painting. I once painted a finger... on my finger, it was really good, no one could tell
I have ADHD. Yup, high-definition TV in the years after the birth of Jesus.
*goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD
If you removed every blade from a 747's engines and laid them end to end, you'd go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb. None. They just beat the room for being black.
Why didn't Cathy keep the extra dollar of change at Chick-fil-a? Because Cathy can't help being Truett-ful
A co-pilot walks into a library and asks for a number of books on suicide. The librarian says "Are you going to take them all out with you"? "Hmmm" he replies "That's a good idea"
Farmers are outstanding in their field because... they can raise things without lifting them
What if they make a movie about Leo's life and how he couldn't win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar...AWKWARD!
What times does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish
A termite walks into a bar... ...and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
What did the Elk say after leaving a gay bar? I cannot believe I just blew 50 bucks back there!
Forget everything you learned in College.... "Forget everything you learned in College, you won't need it working here." "But I never went to college." "I'm sorry your not qualified to work here."
People have underestimated me my entire life, and they've been wrong on like two of those days.
What do you call a friendly retard? A sweet potato
We are all God`s children... so why is Jesus so special? thanks to Jimmy Carr for this one
My dad says he hates surprises... So I wrapped all his Christmas presents in cellophane.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield .... Thought I hit a unicorn
Doctor: I have bad news for you. You only have 10 left to live. Patient: Ten what? Doctor: Nine. Eight...
What do you call a spinning, bisexual dinosaur that loves Juno &amp; Superbad? Biceratops
My mom said if I get ten thousand upvotes she will tuck me in Come on. She really wants a daughter.
"What did Fifty Cent say to his Grandmother when she made him a sweater?" "GEE, YOU KNIT!?!?"
Where do you get virgin wool? Ugly sheep.
I wish airplanes flapped their wings and shit on cars
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape? Cop 2: Nah, he's locked up in there good. Simon: Simon Says free me. Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
"Hey girl... You a pokemon trainer?" Because you make my wiggly tuff
Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds.
Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?
What do you call a Mexican church? A Taco bell.
Did you hear the one about the vegan cannibal? She only eats vegetables
Where do all the bad hamburger buns live? In the seedy part of town
I paid $22 to connect to the internet from an airplane flying over the pacific so you guys better provide some worthwhile content
What do you call it when guys find older women unusually attractive? The Stunning-Cougar Effect.
I used to work in mysterious ways. Now I just don't work.
"She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts." -Romans 1:15
If I've learned anything from the Kardashians it's that I shouldn't let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
So many good trailers; so few good movies.
Sometimes I like to mix things up by going big and then also going home.
How many Jersey girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They'll screw anything
Let's be honest: When life gives you lemons, most of you just cry to the internet about it.
So I bought a pedometer the other day... I think it's broken. The display keeps reading "TOO OLD".
My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don't know how far a 'mile' really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.
Nerd play Q:What do you call it when seven minutes in heaven is played at Comic-Con? A: Close encounters of the nerd kind
what idiot named them diet pills instead of girth control
New Funny jokes             " " :D     2            !!                  ..         :D                            
What does the tree says in autumn ? Leaf me alone.
Umm, your honour? In my defence, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.
My shoes were meant for each other They're sole-mates
How did harry potter get down the hill? Walking, Jk rowling
My wife got mad at me because apparently turn on the veg doesn't mean.. Finger her disabled sister
Q: What's green and walks through walls? A: Casper the Friendly Pickle.
I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.
What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.
hey girl, are you into adopting animals? Because I will probably pee in your bed and run away
And God Said to John... "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and he won a toaster
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows. Except me.
How to make a Disney Pixar film: 1. Take something that doesn't talk 2. Make it talk
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.
I read that Hebrew lesson book so many times, I know it from back to front.
I was having dinner .. .. .. with Garry Kasporov and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny.. because they didn't make a lot of sense?
(Spoilers) Ian McShane in GoT I guess that makes him Deadwood.
If you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you!
Why did the stoner eat cannabis-infused chocolate laxatives? Just for shits 'n' giggles..... Bored at work thought I'd make up a joke
Q: What do Fidel Castro and Harambe have in common? A: They're both dead gorillas.
I've been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it's my time to go. I'm already up to like 3 bucks.
[Jesus' dating profile] I love wine that's made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Two muffins are baking in the oven, one muffin turns to the other muffin and says "man its getting hot in here" and the other muffin turns back to him and yells " ahhh!!! a talking muffin!!"
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Flying today and asking myself a question I used to save for first dates: Should I let them see me naked or just feel me up?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips Her: Who are you talking to in there? M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
So a seal walks into a bar And the bartender asks "What can I get for you?" And the seal replies "Anything but a Canadian Club on ice."
How does Jaden Smith keep getting roles in big movies? Where there's a Will, there's a way.
I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly
My fiance said the funniest thing out of context today. Lewis and Clark were so starved on their exploration, Sacajawea had a hard time understanding why they didn't eat Seaman.
Que tipo de oso es muy desconocido? El misterioso! I'll see myself out now...
Newsflash, New Zealand! You're not that new!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down? Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing. Cop: You're free to go.
Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?!
I just met a guy addicted to brake fluid. However, he was adamant that he could stop anytime.
Have you seen www.dustbin.com? Yes but it's a load of rubbish.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you? A stick
I like my girlfriends the same way I like my Windows 8
What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars? "Let Meowt!!!!"
Have you heard about the Black Magic book for orphans? It's called the necro**mom**icon
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
What do you call a nun lost in the woods? A Roamin Catholic.
What is the bibliophile's favorite website? Reddit! Courtesy of my 32 year old boyfriend. He cracks himself up.
Russian jokes time
I think one of my dads might be gay...
What do you do when your leaders invade two countries and depose two leaders, inspiring the rise of ISIS? Call Trump Hitler.
A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams... "Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!" The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they're like "I'm lactose intolerant."
When you say, "save me some nachos" and I say, "okay" think Rose at the end of Titanic saying "I'll never let go"..as she lets go.
says if you don't like what you see in the mirror, run the hot water until it fogs up. Problem solved.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill... They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Why are catholic priests so Eco-friendly? Zero emissions.
There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.
Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?
Es cargo A snail was writing s on his car a boy sees him and asks "Why are you writing s on your car" the snail says "So when people see me driving they'll say wow look at that Es cargo "
I made a NTP joke once The timing was perfect.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.
How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
LPT: If you're single this weekend, remember... Name your hands and you'll have an instant threesome! Happy Valentine's day!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
What do you get for the man who has everything? Penicillin
I leant my Ferrari to my friend Carlos and never got it back.
You're 16 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 3 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating crayons.
A Jew with an erection walks face first into a wall... He breaks his nose.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was getting me to date her.
My friends 10 yo daughter made this up while in the elevator today: "Did you know Darth Vader has another daughter?" Mom: "No, who?" Daughter: "Ella, Ella Vader."
Hillary Clinton is elected president... good one
What do a cab driver and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them ...the more english you get out.
There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.
A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife. He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
What did Jay Z say to Beyonce after having an ice cream shoved up his arse? I'm feeling a bit sorbet.
The Canadian version of Breaking Bad is kind of lame. It ends after he gets cancer and his treatment is totally paid for by the government.
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
A party was held for current and former actors where you had to come as your favourite musician. When Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked what he was going to wear, his response was I'll be Bach
What did Kim Jon Un say when his father died? Looks like his Korea is over
As a girl, what's both a good and a bad thing to say when a guy can't get it up? "No hard feelings"
My grandfather always used to tell me... you can lead a horse to water, but if you can teach him to fish, you need to lay off the fucking acid.
When Jedi characters get divorced Do they call it deforced?
Unix is so disorganized There's a cat in the man pages.
Damn, girl, are you a map? Because you give me D-rections.
My mum was called Pearl and my dad was called Dean... Every time I would call them I would go, Hi mum and Pe PA pe PA pe pe PA....
Butterflies (by Kevin L. Schwartz) All these years later and you still give me butterflies. It's crazy. I told you a decade ago I quit collecting.
I tried to come up with an IPv4 joke... ...but the good ones were all already exhausted.
The evil tongues speak ill. The good tongues give orgasms.
What type of tree hates company? Sycamore trees!
Helen Keller walks into a bar And a chair. And a table.
Is it just me... ...or are circles pointless?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Did you hear about the drummer who fell and hit his head? He was percussed.
Why was the binary number so happy? Because of two's compliment!
Two cannibals have just finished dinner.. One says to the other, "your wife made a wonderful meal". The other one says, "I know, I'll miss her very much". Edit:typo Edit: your (obviously)
You said you run for fun? You know we have the internet now?
Could have sworn my poo just shouted a vile obscenity at me on the way out. Irritable bowel syndrome.
Why was the glass-blower forced to retire? He sucked...
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
You hang up "No, you hang up" You hang up first! - Bats going to bed
Three tampons walk into a bar, a kotex, a playtex, and a tampax. Which one says hello first? None, they're all stuck up bitches.
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game? Me: because mommy isn't there to do it.
I'm pretty big on body art *pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo of a hoof with "Hoof-arted" written underneath*
I once met an Asian with excellent grammar... So I said, "Wow, your grammar is so good!" And they replied, "No.....my grandma's dead."
Snake walks into a bar. Game over
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
*Knock Knock* "Who's there?" "David" "David who?" "Dad you only have one son named David, please let me out of the basement now."
The best part of vacation is not having to brush your teeth!
Respectful Yo Mama Jokes
If you're at a bar & see a security camera, make the Halpert Face at it. If the cops are ever reviewing the footage, it'll give em a laugh
I'm going to get some hate here. Is methodist a religion that worships meth?
Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.... She got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is...lucky guess.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family's home and stealing their food, as long as you're a white girl.
Why didn't the skeleton go to homecoming? because he had no body to go with
Why do Jews have such big noses? Because air is free.
Why does Bigfoot have a nice butt Because he does sassquats
No, autocorrect, I'm not "pooping" popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don't plan to text about it.
How do you get Reddit to go ape-shit? Tell a domestic violence joke.
Captain Hook's Girlfriend Breaking Up with Him It's not you, It's Smee.
So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck... ... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."
The American school system is a lot like an EA game... It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.
Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says "buy me some time" and the guy goes and buys him a clock
What was Boaz like before he got married? Ruthless.
Marijuana is not a gateway drug... I have never been smoking weed and thought, "I know what this needs! Meth!..."
Ants Dancing ? Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I have a condition preventing my going on a successful diet. There's a medical term for it, but in plain language, it's hunger.
Two monitors are at a new years party... One says "So, what's your new years resolution?" The other replies "1080p".
World Cup And Oscar Looks like even Oscar Pistorius had a better defense than Brazil in the semi-finals
How about a really bad food court where planes land?  Pitch for every airport
My wife is fat. Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange is the new Black.
I'm glad David married me for my brains. My glorius, perky, bouncy brains.
How Does a Racist Joke Start? With a small million dollar loan from his father.
A snake walks into a bar And the bartender yells, "How the fuck did you just walk in here?!"
What did the quiet orange say to the noisy orange? "Be quiet, I'm concentrating!"
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
why did helen keller masturbate with one hand? so she could moan with the other...
What did the Zero say to the Eight? "Nice belt."
McCain Will Buy Houses From Needy Owners Of Beachfront Mansions- "If The Price Is Right"
Why Do Republican Couples Keep A Copy Of Ronald Reagan's Biography Next To Their Bed? So that it can be used as an *aphrodisiac*
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an "attorney" one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Whenever someone says they don't like the Beatles, I'm like "Whatever, Gary." (their name isn't necessarily Gary; that's just an example)
Caught my dog chewing on my law books this morning. Now he is Pro Bono.
I wrote a really cheesy joke today... Kso you're probably wondering what the joke is.
What's a sick persons favourite rhythm game? Catarrh Hero
My grandparents, parents, and even my siblings have chronic diarrhea... runs in the family
Why doesn't China have a phone directory? Because there are so many Wings and Wongs they'd still wing the wong number.
What book does a gay horse read? 50 Shades of HaaAAaaayyy.
My friends all say I tell bad jokes, but they're wrong... I tell jokes "badly"
I knew you were trouble when you said you didn't drink.
What do you call it when a white person robs you? Capitalism.
I bet male porn stars don't find themselves in tight spots very often.
When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.
I'd have liked to have ridden a llama into 2011. Shit gets serious when you see someone galloping down the street on llama sipping Tequila.
My wife and I couldn't decide on which psychic to go and see... But we were able to come to a happy medium
What's the worst kind of T-Shirt? A Casual Tee.
IF U WANNA BE MY LOVER you gotta get me a large three topping pizza with stuffed crust
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a 6 offender.
How was the Grand Canyon formed? A jew lost a penny there.
My cookies fell in the toilet... [NSFW] My cookies fell in the toilet. Picked them up like a boss. Proceeded to eat them. They tasted like shit.
Why was Jesus in such good shape when he died? He was Cross-Fit.
Light a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
Penn State has missed two extra points today which is weird because they are usually pretty consistent about doing the little things.
The first day of school I signed up for English, Math, Science and Language. The rest, as they say, was History.
The guy who invented urine therapy died a few days ago. May be rest in peace.
You're following a man who once stole someone's garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That's on you.
It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.
What do you call a chicken that has passed on? A poultrygheist.
*walks outside* Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet. *looks around* *lights BBQ* *1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I have a silly friend named Oedipus... He's a stupid motherfucker.
My son looks just like me. With his eyes. xpost to /r/dadjokes
A man walks into a bar... and the man behind him ducks.
What do you call a group of sorority girls? A whorde.
So I ordered some General Pao chicken They gave me a bowl of false promises.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME'S TOM AND I'LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
What do you call a black man flying a plane? a pilot
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
What do you call a white guy in an abusive relationship? Whipped cream.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? can't jam peanut butter in your ass
I gave up on building a house of cards. I couldn't stand it.
Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the area it will cover after the explosion.
What do fish talk about at work? Current events
Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery? So far they've recovered 324 bodies.
My life is like my dick after masturbation Empty.
So I want to write a letter to a deer... I just don't know how to start it off!
What's better than roses on my piano? tulips on my organ.
Dogs can't operate an Mri machines... But catscan
What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.
Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question.
What do you call a nun on a bicycle? Virgin Mobile
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Those dirty bastards.
And I really love chocolate... I'm like a chocoholic, but for booze.
[Shopping with teen son] *sees hot girl* *waits until she gets close* *grabs box of adult diapers* "How are you doing on Depends bud?"
If we get matching tattoos I want them on the elbow because weenus together.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don't worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*looking under hood of car* "Well there's your problem" *removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
What would BuckWheat from Little Rascals be called if he were a Muslim? Kareem of Wheat.
how do I play farmville on this fuckin site? This fuckin blows
Next week, who's that pokemon? Its jay fuckin garrick.
I'd like to die in my sleep like my grandpa Comfortably, unlike the rest of the people in his car
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ? She lays hand gren-eggs !
I just received a discount offer for a brand new guitar... ... no strings attached!
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
What do you call Einstein masturbating? A stroke of genius.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
A thousand millibar go into a bar... ...
Dear Abby My name is Gloria Mae and I'm from Tennessee. I'm 14 years old and am still a virgin. Is my brother gay?
Why does Kim Jong Un stick out at a black gospel church? Because he doesn't have Seoul.
What city will Leo Dicaprio never visit ? Osaka.
What dog would you want on your American football  team? A golden receiver!
The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.
A True Nymphomaniac Convention. Everyone came.
My ex just sent me a photo of her having sex with her new boyfriend. I sent it to her Dad
A man said to me, "Man, I was so wasted last night I went home and blew chunks!" I said, "most people are sick after drinking too much." "No, you don't understand." he replied. "Chunks is my pitbull."
Corn Give a white man an ear of corn, he eats for a day Teach a white man to grow corn, he steals all your land
Summer body wasn't ready.. But winter body is good to go!
Hey girl Wanna party like it's 1982?
What did the spaceman say at the restaurant? This steak is too fatty! I wish it was a little meatier.
What did Allen Ginsberg say upon being intoduced to Lawrence Ferlinghetti? Howl do you do ?
There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count. ]
They found a mysterious hole in the fence of our local nudist colony. The police are looking into it.
Last night I woke up in the middle of dreaming about the meaning of life. It was very eye opening.
Optimist vs Pessimist Optimist - The glass is half full Pessimist - The glass is half empty Feminist - The glass is being raped
She ate poison! We have to make her vomit! [everyone looks at me] [i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the food before it was cool...
Why do I always say yes to everything? I just don't no.
Request - Lawyer Jokes
I overheard Oedipus swearing like a sailor... ...so I asked him, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
i get sad for like an hour and then happy for 5 minutes and then sad for another hour and then happy for 3 minutes omg break ups r real hard
Infatuation prick is the answer, what is the question? How do you want your wontons cooked?
Humpty Dumpty , that sly bastard Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed, As Little Bo Beep was giving him head, Just as he came she began to weep, She could tell by the taste, He'd been screwing her sheep ! !
A man walks into a bakery... And looks at the prices of the bread. The bread is very cheap, and he tells the baker, "Man, at that price this is a stale."
When someone says "The last thing I'd want to do is hurt you", I'm wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.
Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.
Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.
Why is 2 Phosphorus Oxygen Carbon the greatest rapper from the elements? 2POC
What Do You Call an Overpriced Circumcision? A rip off.
How does a vampire clean his house? With a victim cleaner.
My fake mustache fell off in Home Depot and now they won't let me touch any of the power tools.
How do you comfort a grammar nazi? Their, they're, there.
Women defy physics. The heavier they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Who teaches you how to fart? A tutor.
What's the biggest Jewish conundrum? Free Bacon!
A "G" in the right font is not only a nice looping arrow, it's also a map to the mythical G-spot!
I quit my job and poured years into it Thanks to this recent Ebola scare, I can't ever release my online bowling game...
I just got a part in a movie about dog walking I'm playing the lead
Why do gingers hang out with black people? Because gingers have no soul, and black people have too much!
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
What has walls, but no corners, and an opening, but is not a room? A vagina. Lol, top kek.
Where does a guru get his sandwiches? New Delhi
[first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] "Dr that's the model skeleton"
I'm not racist I don't even separate my laundry
Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey? He kept getting nailed to the boards.
Why did candycain go to jail? Because he killed Candy-Abel
Why was NASA so interested on travelling to Mars? Because it had their Curiosity.
Last night someone bashed my car window & stole my purse so I hope this thief enjoys his 17 tampons, stale gum & Sephora rewards card.
I childproofed the house... but they still get in!
Have you read the book about the guy who can only ejaculate a virus? It's a classic coming-a-phage story.
My Website Hacking 101 class is going okay. I just learned how to bypass the Birth Date Security on beer websites.
I thinks it cool when X girlfriend becomes XL girldfriend.
I'm like the weatherman and all this snow lately... ...always telling them it's going to be 12 inches but really only giving them 2.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits until its 12 before it comes on your face
Of course I've slept in the wet spot My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
There's probably only 7 people on earth who actually know what they're doing during the whole smelling, swirling and sipping wine thing.
What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? Your mom can't fit in a bowling ball.
A man is addicted to Brake Fluid He says he can stop anytime.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn't my finger.
They played The Shins while I was in Whole Foods today and I leveled up in Caucasian.
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar Barman says "not you two again"
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don't just want me to cut it off?
What goes in God's Toilet? Holy crap.
I hope we're past the point in naval technology where loose lips still have the potential to sink ships.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you. I'd like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
What do you call it when you lobotomize a bunch of terrorists? Simplifiying Radicals. (MATH joke)
Who's the fax machine player in Skrillex?
If you use a lighter on a cigar, a man will smoke for a day If you use a lighter on a man, he'll smoke for the rest of his life.
H G Wells walked into a library and asked for a book on Time Travel. "Bugger off"said the librarian, "you didn't bring it back"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is getting better!
Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One but don't expect results.
If optimus prime was a pokemon, what would his most used attacks be? Transform and rollout. (When you tell this to people wait and see if they guess it)
Social media is great. Before Facebook I'd never know what the girl who wrote "dirty Jew" on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
"You the bomb" "No you the bomb"....- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The best things in life are free. The second best things are very expensive.
Why does Bob Marley like jpegs, gifs and pngs but hate svg? Because they're raster graphic images.
You don't see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don't see psychics winning the lottery.
Just shared w/ my son the amazing story of a boy who wanted to go to his friend's house & didn't get to go & yet everybody lived in the end.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator] Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Whenever I try to make a pun-joke, nobody seems to get it.. I guess I'm bad at delivering the PUNchline..
What did one candle say to the other Will you go out with me tonight?
Yes, you take my breath away... But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don't be so flattered.
Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
As an old muslim adage says "When you get home, beat your wives and your children. If you do not know why, they know."
On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... ...how much do you like kids?
Never treat someone like a saturday night when they treat you like a monday morning.
Mom: "Why are your eyes dilated?" Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love" Mom: "What were you looking at?" Me: "Memes"
What's the difference between a religion and a cult? A religion drinks wine and a cult drinks Kool-Aid.
Snow's so racist.
"I am doing well." - Russian man having sex with a well
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? 3: a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier. (Courtesy of my dad)
My girlfriend is a pornstar... She's going to be pissed when she finds out.
what was Michael Jackson favorite kind of movie child pornography
Anyone who says spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them... has never woken up with one on their face.
Does killing time damage eternity?
If you play a Nickleback song backwards... you hear a message from the devil. Even worse, if you play a Nickleback song forwards. You hear a Nickleback song.
The way to a man's heart is thru his stomach. At least that's what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Look, woman, I'll do laundry when I'm out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn't say whose clothes.
Did you hear about a guy who collected memorabilia of Rosa Parks, Florence Nightingale, Joan of Arc, and Wonder Woman? Apparently, he was a heroine addict.
What do race car drivers wear under their fire retardant suits? Speedos !
Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
*covers kids eyes* "Hey Billy, guess who?" "Dad!" "Nope" "I knw its u dad. I know ur voice" "Its not ur dad" "Stop jking" "Ur adopted"
Did you know that a chicken coop can't have more than 3 doors? If it has 4 doors, it's a sedan.
What is hairy and between your grandma's nipples? Her vagina
Where can Sihks and Muslims buy headwear? Turban Outfitters.
You know the fly was really close to being called a land... Because that's what it does half the time. RIP Mitch Hedberg
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side
Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.
Better Luck Next Year Kiddo! I'm going to give my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying "Toys not included."
New Horizons probe discovers trees on Pluto! Reporters asked "how can you tell?" And NASA said "from the bark, you dummies!"
Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.
How do you make a cat go "woof"? Douse it in gasoline and toss it in a fire.
It's kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It's called "proof-reading". Perhaps you've hard of it
My last relationship was a lot like Forrest Gump... I was retarded and she was a whore.
What goes Blonde Brunette Blonde Brunette ? A blonde doing cartwheels.
My girlfriend says her doctor said no sex for 2 weeks ..ahh oh k but what your dentist say..!
KFC has a new Hillary meal Its comes with two big thighs, two small breasts, and one left wing.
'God didn't create Adam and Winston', Says Tenn. Republican Does that mean Adam and Steve have broken up?!
What do you call a group of guys grocery shopping? Brocery shopping
I'm trying out a new idea for using gum that's lost its flavor. Right now, it's just an ex-spearmint. (Sorry)
What do a priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common? The both came in a little behind.
I was surprised while watching the presidential debate last night... I didn't know my TV had the comedy channel.
You're the unreachable booger of people.
A dozen fish are in a tank. Then one proclaims: "Can anybody drive this thing?"
Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.
What do you call a 2 legged dog who always ignore your calls? Your ex!
My son fell asleep on a lego. He is in critical condition and will be getting surgery this morning. He is currently on morphine and has had several seizures.
[phone rings] "We've removed your son's missing picture from our milk cartons." "You found him?" "No, people stopped buying milk."
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, "Duck". His mother slaps him.
Why do you never buy a woman a watch? Because there's a clock on the stove.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
What was the black lab's favorite planet? Earf! Earf!
An Iraqi father gave his daughter a new bag ... She said: "thanks for the Baghdad"
Tony Abbot Nuff' said
Why are atheists afraid of exponents? They don't believe in a higher power.
I was having sex with a woman when her husband came early. Premature ejaculation is killing our sex life.
Why is Smurfette the only smurf who recycles? She's the only one with a blue box.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back me: that doesn't sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Do you need an arc that can hold a lot of animals? I Noah guy.
My girlfriend treats me like a god Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.
What do you call a utility knife that doesn't work? A futility knife.
Mary had a little lamb. The event made medical history.
There are three kinds of people in the world... ...Those who can count, and those who can't.
2016 was so divisive. It just had too many factors.
What does a cow measure its harddrive in? Moogabytes
It's a sad day today for Eminem fans. Not for any particular reason, just because their lives are generally very sad and meaningless.
Turned out the lights I started walking down the stairs, and I flipped the light switch to off. It wasn't a bright idea. I'll see myself out.
Come to my apartment on black friday and get all your clothes 100% off.
What is the one food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? Wedding cake.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because he 8n't afraid to bust out his 9.
Went to a sausage party It was the wurst.
The other day I managed to start my computer up with the touch of a random button I guess you could call it F8
So Porsche released a Jewish Car... The Yom KiPorsche, since the Muslims already had the Porsche 911
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain't for you. Just saw some gal lookin' like she was tryin' to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My friend David lost his ID... Now we just call him Dave.
If Silver Surfer and Iron man... If Silver Surfer and Iron man began working together, they'd be alloys
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? gagged
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing DOCTOR: That's normal at your age 14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor DOCTOR: That's not normal
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again... location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it
What makes you think this is my first time?
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win. Unfortunately, no-pun-in-ten-did.
You going to eat those sausages? - What? The encased meats. Do you want them? - Those are my fingers. Oh, no thanks, I'm not there yet.
Where can you go to fill all of your rhino related needs? Rhinos R Us
A friend wants me to try speed dating, but I'm not sure that finishing *even faster* is going to help me with the ladies
I fell off a 40 foot ladder Luckily it was the first step
Gillette researchers are really the best They got some cutting edge technology
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
My guy hates waste, so we went to the store, picked out anniversary cards, exchanged them, read them, and put them back on the shelves.
What streaming site do eldritch horrors use? Cth-Hulu
How do you give a lemon an orgasm? You tickle its citrus. (all credit to the movie *The Descent*)
Lactose intolerance stems from lactose IGNORANCE
What type of government would a nation ran by Alvin and the Chipmunks be called? A theocracy.
Father: What did you learn in school today ? Son: That three and three are seven. Father: Three and three are six ! Son: I guess I didn't learn anything today then !
At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.
How can a room full of couples be empty? There isn't a single person left! Bwahahahahaha
How do you get holy water You boil the hell out of it
What do you call sex on a beach? Intercoarse
I took my dictionary to a bar. I just wanted to get the word out.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year...
How do you help a Jew with ADHD? Send him to a concentration camp.
How many engineers do you need to change a lightbulb ? You can take as many as you want but they will only give you the screwing direction.
Beethoven walks into a bar... The bartender tells him, "we don't serve any E-minors here." Beethoven says "what?"
What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt? Bolt can finish a race.
What do you call a vessel full of academics? A scholarship
How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground? I thought Asian women couldn't drive &amp;#3232;_&amp;#3232;
What do comic book collectors use in their hair? Mint conditioner.
I'd rather pick my nose in traffic than arrive at my destination with a crusty booger. Anyone who says different is a liar.
My son just handed me a duck & a pig from his puzzle & smiled as if that made us "even" for all the food/clothing I've given him.
Apparently, "Dude, that's the best she's EVER going to look" was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage
A doctor walks into the room and says, " I have good news and I have bad news" *"What's the good news?"* "***I*** don't have cancer"
ME: bae, you wanna go out? HER: hell yeah  ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.
Jokes on Me - Said Djoke's girlfriend.
What I say: Play outside. What my kid hears: Find a spot in the yard where I can't see you so I constantly imagine you've been kidnapped.
Interesting how u totally lose track of ur age after 21. Nothing to look forward to until 31, when u can legally own a donkey in a bathtub.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can't teach a cat anything, ever.
There is a line in comedy that you should not cross and that line starts at the Boston Marathon.
Why a pirate could not spell iris? He had only one 'i'
Sign at the hotel pool says "No horse play." Shit. What am I going to do with this production of Equus?
For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex. Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my dad. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
I'm having an out-of-money experience.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
When a topologist drops acid... ...is it called a Mobius Trip?
An inverse exorcism... When you have to summon Satan to get the priest out of the boy.
If I had a dollar for everytime I heard someone sing a Macklemore song out loud... ...I would have 20 dollars in my pocket
I'm not going to sugar coat this - you have diabetes
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Waiter there's a fly in my custard ! I'll fetch him a spoon sir !
"What are you doing today?" "Nothing." "That's what you did yesterday." "I'm not done yet."
Jesus walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries
Apparently Bill Clinton is so sure that Hillary is going to win that he stopped at the tobacco store and bought a box of cigars. He has interviews scheduled for his new interns all day.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don't care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
What concert costs 45 cents? A concert that costs 45 cents.
What does a Lamb say after the Chinese New Year celebration? Baaaah bye!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you drink out of that little thing?
What do you call it when a bunch of Olympic swimmers have the shits for days? Dia-Rio.
What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend? I need space.
What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
Hickory hickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock The clock struck one But the rest got away with minor injuries
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently--they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby. -no one ever
Did you hear about the girl that failed her sex ed class? She got the D
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
What's worse than being stuck in traffic behind a driver that's vaping? Realizing that your being intently watched for your reaction to their sic clouds - BEST RECOGNIZE!
A slut is a woman who sleeps with everyone.......
All I'm saying is that Miley Cyrus was on the Disney Channel and had her clothes on when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac... lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
If my friends circle was a pizza... ...I would be the crust
Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex? He didn't want to get hearing aids.
A bagpipe player, a banjo player and an accordion player all walk into a bar... everybody leaves.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
[awful tragedy happens] me (rolling up sleeves): time to be an idiot online
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
What do mathematics and environmental beat mixers have in common? Al Gore rythyms
A Frenchman comes to America and says "Hi, I'm from France" to an American, The American says "European!" to which the frenchman replies "No, you're a peon!"
Q: What's green, and sings? A: Elvis Parsley
I hate when Doctors asks questions like . . . "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.
Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press
If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?
Internet Explorer is so slow If this video takes any longer, the girl in it will be a legal age
What do you call Nightwing in a coffin? Dick in a box.
What did the physicist say when he tried to meditate? Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm...
I should make a gym that only accepts fat people I would get tons of business, tons
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I knew my daughter would be a slut when this bitch was 3 months old Instead of drinking the milk out of the bottle, she takes the bottle out her mouth and shakes it all over her face
What's the name of a Jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash.
FOUR stages of girl &amp; boy relation! 1. hand in hand. 2. that in hand. 3. hand in that. 4. that in that.
psychology joke How many psycho analyists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, provided the light bulb is ready to change.
Whats the first thing you do when you spill something on your keyboard? Try to disable sticky keys.
Beyonce didn't almost fall everyone else just messed up
What do you call two crows flying together? An attempted murder.
If I get married, I'd take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I'd return to pick her up. Maybe.
Why statutory rape jokes aren't funny. They always happen too soon.
Every year I got an accident by passing the road on 1st April Cause, I thought that Traffic signal try to make me April fool.
Have you ever heard a joke with no punchline?
(If you can't guess the obvious punch line, be warned its messed up) ....What's the best part of having sex with twentynine year olds!?... There's 20 of them
What did the hammer say to the drill? You're too boring.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money
I take the "L" and "R" on my headphones way too seriously
Did you hear about the Native American who went to a party and drank 37 cups of tea? They found him dead the next morning in his tea pee.
What disease do basement dweller mosquitos give you? M'laria
I'm not getting the earth anything for Earth Day since it's not going to be around much longer anyway.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day! DR DOG: You're joking, right?
What's a feminist's favourite coffee? An oppresso.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target Me: Parents should control their kids! Cashier: Isn't she yours? Me: C: I saw her come in with you.
Knock Knock, "Who's there?" "Gladiator" "Gladiator who?" "Gladiator, before going to the gang bang"
I hate myself a little for this... What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! ...Nah, just kidding! *He still hasn't unwrapped his present!!!*
Give a man a fish... And he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish... And he'll wanna use your yacht!
Relationship Status: Lurking
You're going to regret thinking of this. Game!
How to fall down the stairs Step 1. Step 2. Step 5. Step 8. Step 13. Step 17.
Girl, are you E=mc 2? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
if you're ever running late just bring a huge glass of milk along and be drinking it noisily as you walk in and no one will say shit to you
Why did the little boy use his inhaler? "No wheezin'"
I'm sorry' and I apologize' generally mean the same thing Except at Funerals
You can run but you can't hide Is a funny thing to say to children with asthma
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
Why did they call it The Iron Curtain? They were going to call it the Fe line, but that seemed too catty.
So proton calls up electron and says, "Electron! It's proton, where the hell are you?" And electron says, "Um, I don't know. But I can tell you were I probably am!"
I renamed my iPod Titantic It's syncing much better now.
What's the most important part of a joke, the setup or the punchline? To get to the other side.
Why is craving karma points ironic? Because it's pointless.
Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.
Daughter: "I wish you were a better listener." Me: "I wish you were more interesting." Daughter: "Don't tweet that." Me: "I won't."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leafs? Russel
I once asked a Welshman how many sexual partners he had had in his life but never got an answer. He kept falling asleep whilst counting sheep.
Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets? They ain't private ears. (I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017 5. Debt 4. People you don't like 3. Facebook 2. Drama 1. The bodies
Where did sally go when the bombs dropped? Everywhere
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! *Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.*
What kind of shoes does Jack Lew wear? Cashews.
My grandma once told me... that she is a virgin
pet owner's tip: glue the very tip of your cat's tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Knock knock [Fixed] Who's there? Smell mop. Smell mop who? ... hehe
My dad and I talking. I asked my dad today "What rhymes with orange?" He replied "No, it doesn't"
What's it called when an Asian man gives his best friend head? A bro job.
Just came across a very strange porn site....took me ages to clean it off my screen
How does a gay religious terrorist spend his vacation in Cuba? Infidel Castro
[Updates Christian Mingle bio] "Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first" "You have 999 new matches"
How many Italians can you fit in a bathtub? Don'tworryaboutit.
How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson. 2. Empty it the next day. 3. Become a millionaire.
If you have a dollar.. you're a billionthaire.
why don't blinde people go skydiving? because it scares the shit out of their dogs
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter a dick up your arse.
My laptop in college was So bad.. To start it I needed my friends car and some jumper cables
In Iran, people are afraid of spiders... But in Iraq, no phobia
How many virgins does take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than 72, or all those suicide bomber would have seen the light.
What's dry but slippery? A slipper
I just hope I love my child enough to stab a referee that made a bad call against him in a little league game.
Ask me if I'm a bear How am I supposed to BEAR comments like that one?
Working out is like sex It's the best way to make your family larger.
Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter because they can't change anything.
[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby] what sound does a cow make "moo!" good now a dog "woof woof!" 2 for 2. now...WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE
Jesus walked on water, babies are 75% water, I walked on babies, therefore, I am... In jail. I am in jail.
What did the Grapefruit basketball coach say to the worst player on the team? You're going to have to ci-tris one out.
You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."
Q: How Do You Tell 2 Scottsmen Apart? A: You lift their kilts, and whichever one has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!!
If I offer you some of my gummy worms, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you fucking dare take any.
I know a joke about frequencies But I'll not share it, because the punch line is so bad it hertz.
The more "normal" you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - a dog
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two. The trouble's getting them in there.
Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....
When I get old I'm going to trace every wrinkle on my body with a black pen, hide in kids closets, and pretend I'm a cracked porcelain doll.
Officer: Do you know you have a blinker out? Me: Yes, officer. Officer: When did you plan on getting that fixed? Me: 2005
What did Donald Trump say to the guy who immolated himself in front of Trump tower? "You're fired!"
What's the difference between America and a tub of yogurt? After 200 years the yogurt would have developed some kind of culture.
I couldn't see my dad anymore after his sex change. He's transparent.
I think we can all agree that "Phillybuster" would be a great name for a cheese steak restaurant in Washington DC
What's an Irish seven-course meal? A six-pack and a potato
Why does Godzilla go to temple? because he's a kaiju
Last night my Professor told me to read Bartleby the Scrivner... I would prefer not to.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead. [at hospital] Doctor: I'm afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He's deed.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Hey waiters-I don't ever 'save room for dessert', I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don't have an accident.
The elephant and the naked man. What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you eat with that?" :D
"No, YOU'VE had too much to drink!" ~Me, to this bar stool
Did you hear about the guy who kept fucking cheerios? He was a cereal rapist
How do you know if someone's a pilot? because they'll fucking tell you.
What did the gardener say to the man in the grass shoes? WATER THOOOOSE
Someone at my work stole my microsoft office bundle. I'm going to hunt him down and take it back. You have my word!
Wife walked into the bedroom. "What the hell are you doing here in my white and gold dress?" "No honey, it s not what it looks like."
My girlfriend has a global map tattooed on her body She may have been a difficult person to deal with. But you always knew where you were with her.
Two budgies sitting on a perch One says to the other: can you smell fish?
Why did the pirate captain suddenly die? He had an an*yarr*ysm.
What do you call a 100 year old frog ? An old croak !
What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you? You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.
DOG 911: What's your emer- DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN'T FIND IT DOG 911: He still holding it? DOG: YES! HOW'D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My **** is like a bronze medal... Everyone gets it, no one wants it
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who are good at math, and those who aren't.
What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a shipcarrying blue paint? Both crews were marooned.
There's a technical term for a sunny warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Hell-if-I-know
Karen: Have you noticed that Daddy is getting taller ? Sharon: No why ? Karen: His head is sticking through his hair.
How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up? He uses Hare Spray... (Ill see myself out)
Why are there different species of hyena? Isn't every hyena we've discovered a spotted hyena?
Did you hear about the new soda made out of people? "Yeah, how's it taste?" "It varies from person to person."
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 110 stories in 10 seconds.
One hard thing to explain to people under 20 is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.
Republicans always take the price tag off  expensive gifts before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
A psychic Midget escaped from jail yesterday. The papers read: "Small Medium at Large"
I like to listen to sad music when I'm sad to make me double sad.
Einstein took naps during the day. So if you want to be smarter, my advice is to take more naps while having an IQ of 160.
Well, Palm Sunday was a lot more fun than 'closed-fist Monday'
I came up with a really awful joke, but I'm sure some of you are twisted like me. I've got a knife and a penis. Which one do you want first?
You know, I always really liked Meatloaf I've never had any beef with him
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in the pot? Because one more would be "two-fahrty"
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you...
What do the leaders of ISIS drink after a victory? Bombay.
What is Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1
A guy I know just posted "I'm relaxing today, don't bother me" on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I'm not
I call my mom santa.... Cause she is always calling me a ho ho ho
What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I don't know why everyone loves blow jobs so much They taste soo shitty
I was chatting with this cute 14 y/o online She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!
I went the other day to buy some camo pants,but could not find any...
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwomam? Snowballs
[high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I have a dollar bill pressed between my chin and my chest.....who am i? Christopher Reeve at a strip club.
How to win the war on drugs... .1) Legalize all drugs. .2) Require that all drugs must be purchased through Comcast customer service.
how was copper wire invented.... two jews fighting over a penny
Movie Idea: Michael Cera falls down a spiral staircase then pets a cat.
I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it.... Now I can truly think of myself as Independent.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again? ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not! WIFE: You lying to me? ME: No. *rains frogs*
You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."
Today's Favorited tweet is tomorrow's Facebook update.
I flipped off a latino guy who cut me off in traffic and now I'm polling at 8% in the Republican primary.
I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do
Why did the Russian man keep making excuses? He was just stalin for time
What do you call a deer that likes rain? A rain-deer. I know it's terrible.
Old people love My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
Don't forget to make the strands of dead cells growing from ur skull look cute so u can attract a potential mate.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't really matter, he's not coming when you call him.
Hey, Gandalf! What is it that bats can do but badgers can't? FLY, YOU FOOLS!
What do good dragons read when they are pregnant? How to Train Your Dragon. Good parenting, that is.
I saw a post about Trump supporters... And I wondered why someone would need a supporter when they have such tiny fingers.
I asked a meteorologist whether or not it would rain. He said, "I don't know its up in the air".
The world record for enjoying jazz is 48 seconds.
What did the snail say riding on the turtles back WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming "We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!" Turned out it was Farmer Geddon
What is Guns N' Roses' favorite type of sandwich? Pananananana ni ni (to the tune of Welcome to the Jungle) And that's a thatinternetexporer original
How should justice be brought about on criminal semites? By judge and jew-ry.
I was gonna vote for trump . . . but now i'm kinda on the Pence about it.
Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban (say it out loud)
CW: Why don't you ever wear your hair down? Me: It makes me look approachable. CW: So? Me: I don't want to encourage that.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.
Why do native Americans hate the snow? Because it's white, and it's on their land.
My Dad wondered why he got so many spam emails about circumcision... I told him they probably got a tip off.
Saw geese flying in a v formation and my friend asked me if I knew why one side was longer than the other. More geese dumbass.
Apple once made an iPhone with a headphone jack... It was very 6S-ful
Where do go when you are cold? - The corner it is always 90 degrees. :-)
Are people with OCD upset that those letters aren't in alphabetical order?
How do we get rid of Ebola? Put all the infected on a Malaysian Airplane
I found out I'm part Native American..... my beard is Apache.
Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey are to star in a new film, a murder mystery set at a music festival. It's a Whodunnit.
My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash... and the man at the dealership asked me, "Why are all these bills so sticky?!"
Apparently someone in Detroit gets stabbed every 3 minutes. Poor bastard.
What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
Here's my Bruce Jenner joke I made a joke
SON: How are monster trucks made? ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth- GF: [glares] ME: He's old enough for the facts, Jane
I get my women how I get my coffee Bitter, overpriced, and disappointing.
Did you hear about the 13th century french dog that was a saint?... St. Bernard. Hiyooooooo.
Did you hear about the new Fairy BDSM book? Fifty Shades of Fae.
Which football team to you need to connect up your computer? Leeds.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella] Prince Charming: Um... well. Tell ya what, I'm gonna keep on looking.
I think I need to take a break. -me, as soon as I get to work.
Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for Old Spice'?
What's an amphibian's favorite musician? John Frogerty
Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.
You know your life sucks... when your job sucks, your car sucks, your house sucks, but your wife doesn't. - Sorry if it's a repost.
What does Bob Marley wear to sleep? pa-jammins
What do you call a native american women that has 2 periods a month? a 2 cycle engine
What do you call a midget king? "Your shortness."
So he says, "Argh! Give me yer booties!" & he steals all the baby booties. ... There's an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I'LL FIND IT.
What is Snoop Dogg's favorite weather? drizzle.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
We white people don't shoot eachother I'm the streets like you blacks.... We do it in the schools because we have class! I'm sorry!!
I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
women love to see the veins in a man's arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I will build a great wall. To keep all the Muslims out. Yours truly, Donald trump.
what do you call a black horse? a neigh-gro
I organised a party for men who suffer from premature ejaculation... There's no strict dress code, just come in your pants.
Dreamed last night the world was running out of air. We figured out how to make it with carrots and broccoli. Al Gore, call me.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because pterodactyls are extinct.
What goes in dry and hard, but comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum. What'd you think it was?
Dubstep joke Knock knock Who's there? Bob Bob who? Bob bubububu Bob Bob WuuuuOOOOWWWubwubwubwub edit: formatting
Do you know what the 14th and 15th letters of the alphabet spell? No. _______________________ You are exactly right.
My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom This morning we synthesised a new protein chain
Why is it so wet in Great Britain? Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.
What does a tuna, a glue stick, and a piano have not have in common? You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry.
Best pickup line ever Girl are you a gorilla exhibit because I'm about to drop a baby in you?
What is the difference between a Lira and a Dollar? A Dollar
What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese? Rastafriedrice
just met a guy who's using an empty beef jerky bag as a wallet so don't worry you're probably doing just fine
What does Samuel Jackson say when he is mugging you? What's in your wallet?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We're Just Cucumbers With Anxiety" - Science Person
What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The frightened tourist: "Are  there any bats in this cave?" The guide: "There were but don't worry the snakes ate all of them."
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks. *looks up and sees motivational poster on wall* Well this changes everything
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
What' is a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...
If you are getting bald, just rub toilet paper in the affected area and you'll begin to grow hair. Don't believe me? Just take a look to your butthole.
I found a place where recycling rate is 98% Reddit.
What did the caesar salad say to the beat salad? Et tu beate?
I found a bloodsucking vampire in my house today. I don't know how the lawyer got in but I had to chase him out with a broom.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all "oh she's much thinner than I thought, I'll adjust the numbers."
I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet today. We have 245 tiles.
Why wasn't the droid hungry? Because BB8
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate
What is the difference between a Muslim and Dutch? As a Muslim you get stoned for being gay, but both are legal for a Dutch.
What is orange and sounds like a carrot A carrot
A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the Hell out of it.
A joke for fall. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell.
so apparently there isnt an app for pancreatic cancer. Ironic that something abbreviated PC killed Steve Jobs, does anyone think his funeral will be a flash affair?
Scientists have discovered... That left handed people are significantly more likely to finish exams than people with no hands.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Aye, ye think it be "R", but it be the "C!"
A broom and a mop have sex. What happens next? The broom gets sweepy.
I'm so glad you don't give a crap, because that would be a disgusting gift.
Only a fraction of you will understand this*. *There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Obama ran around the whitehouse with Biden. Their total time was 9:48. When they had finished Biden said "Hey Barack, did we beat the record?" Out of breath Obama said "No, Bush did 9:11"
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Biggest joke in the world am not mental hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.
What language do they speak in Cuba ? Cubic !
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Two atoms were hanging out... ...and one says to the other, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive!"
How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Secretly A Minivan
Why can't you insult Jewish people? Because they've already been roasted.
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
Charley wanted to buy Farley a birthday cake but he couldn't figure out how to get the cake in the  typewriter so he could type 'Happy Birthday'
What do you call a show about puns? A play on words.
What's brown and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron
What do you call a statue of Jesus made out of cigarettes? Holy smokes.
If you're not saying "you're an idiot" a few times during any interaction with me, you're not truly appreciating the depth of who I am.
Stranger: "Hey, I like your beard!" Me: "Thanks, it's really growing on me"
A Levels Despite my A Level results being A B B A, it still seems no employer will Take a Chance On Me.
What's a mobster porn actress called? Sunny Corleone!
I'm bringing sexy backward.
Gandalf is the new coach of the Seattle Seahawks.
I'm not sure if I want to move to Sweden... but the flag is a big plus.
Did you hear about the stupid woodworm? He was found in a brick.
i made the starbucks guy say large instead of venti I HAVE ALREADY CONQUERED WEDNESDAY WHAT NOW
Maybe It's You The debut album from the literal chorus of Taylor Swift exes. Available for download from iTunes soon.
What do you call a Russian Lizard? Commie commie commie commie chameleon.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a piece of fruit? Oranges have thick skin
What's 20 feet long and smells like piss? It's a line dance at the old folks home...
Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas refrigerators.
How man Jews can you fit in a Mercedes? A few thousand. They all fit in the ashtray
The Canadian election consists of two men apologizing till one concedes, the winner is then elected king of Canada. Or something like that.
I just bought a new Thesaurus... it's quite good, but to be honest it's nothing to write residence about
WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real
What do you call a Gay Jew? A Heblew
[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is 'contempt' ME: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Pros and cons of guys Cons: they're dicks Pros: their dicks
Never run with scissors. Unless...  You stole them  You're running a 400 meter scissor relay  You're being chased by giant paper dolls
Lauren's coming over. "Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?" Lauren: Sorry I'm late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.
What's white, but has a black asshole? The Whitehouse.
I can never seem to get a good picture of wheat. It always comes out grainy
Q: What do you call it when you lease false teeth? A: A dental rental.
What do you call a kid that is afraid of the dark? Racist
Went to Syria last month.. Had a blast.
I fell in love with a cannibal And then she stole my heart
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid." 
Relationship status: I'm seeing several women in my neighbourhood. *wipes binoculars*
There's a good chance this chocolate cake will need rape counseling after I'm done.
what do you get? What do you get if you mix up an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Whats The Difference Between A Pick-Pocketer And A Peeping Tom? One snatches watches, and the other watches snatches!
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Reports coming in of mass sheep rustling Suspects on the lamb
I'm sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the same way you treat everyone all the time.
Chuck Norris got bored of life, so he invented Ebola.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Cute things to call your girlfriend: 1. Sugar 2. Honey 3. Flour 4. Egg 5. 1/2lb butter 6. Stir 7. Pour into pan 8. Preheat to 375
Why Donald Trump will not release his tax returns even though it seriously jeopardizes his presidential campaign? No **Juan** should know how much money he has, country needs to build the wall first.
My friend is so stupid he thinks that an autograph is a chart showing sales figures for cars.
Jokes about German sausages... ...are the Wurst
What was the lonely chemist looking for? AgF
My friend tells me she's sitting on the board of the local chapter of Rotory Club. I just hope they have good cushions..
Shout out to little yappy dogs. Literally everything you bark at could eat you.
Actions speak louder than Facebook posts...
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I'm gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
What's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What do you say after you read a book? reddit!
Spider Island Day 1: The arachnids are intelligent & friendly hosts. They even built me a hammock to ensure my comfort. Day 2: I was wrong.
which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell? the cinnamon!
How did LaKeisha's Mom finally stop her from bouncing on the trampoline in the rec room? She put a piece of velcro on the ceiling.
I want to write a tweet that is so offensive that it reduces my followers to zero.
Hey girl, is your PH 14? Because you're really fucking basic.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? - That's not funny
What does a dominatrix say when she's late? "Sorry I tied you up"
I'm addicted to prescription glasses - Jay London
[police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.
If I were a drug dealer and rapper... ...my stage name would be MC M-Prime.
[First date] Him:"Waiter!" Waiter:"Sir?" Him:"Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen"
What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night ? Bronto-snore-us !
In N Out Describes my visit to the Vatican City
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name But Imma call you "Hal" for short, 'k, Chief?
A man walks into a doctors wearing cling film trousers Doctor says, " I can clearly see you're nuts"
A creationist puts his glases on and says: "Evolution can't be real, just look at the human eye!! It's too perfect to be just chance!"
What's worse than a worm in your apple? The Holocaust...
My Cheesy Redneck Joke Bill, I cant post to Youtube no more. All these average potatos on there are agitating me. *Average Potatos?* Yeah, you know. Them Common Taters.
Last week, I went to my doctor and told him I was constipated. He told me I was full of shit.
How does a Chinese cat say hello? Mi Hao.
Studies show that fat men make better lovers than skinny men But my mate Esteban always breaks the bed when he tries!
The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why do Jewish women like circumsized men? Because they're 10% off.
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I put it in a safe but lost the combination!
I have a pretty good memory.. I'd say its about a 9/11. I never forget
I like that I'm not a celebrity. It means I can call people 'retards' and I don't have to apologize.
Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I'm putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Me: YES HELLO DO BEES SLEEP AT NIGHT?
The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Girls these days wont eat any produce, but will lick where a bro deuce.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I'm not his wife.We broke it off...Single again
MISSED CONNECTION: You were "a woman" & I am "lonely."
Recently my girlfriend has got into equestrian bdsm Last evening she asked me to watch her whip, then watch her nay nay
Ready for battle, I taunted Monday and spit in its face, but when I woke up from my drunken haze, I realized I'd been yelling at Sunday.
Pornhub and Redtube have a meeting and the rest was all history.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I'm holding out until it's also a car wax.
I don't have a problem with 5p carrier bags, I have a bag for life, ever since I got married last year. ^^
"The first million is the hardest" - Adolf Hitler
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys. I don't have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don't look weird.
How can you tell when you're in a ring of fire? When you reach for the Preparation H and accidentally grab the Ben-Gay
What is the difference between dragons and dinosaurs? Dinosaurs aren't old enough to smoke. Told to me by my niece at christmas.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but they have to be very small.
I got an oven today. It's pretty hot, isn't it?
My aunt found a lump below her left breast recently. It was my penis.
How do salespeople traditionally greet each other? "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
Trump should never become president. I don't to wait 4 more years for the next Celebrity Apprentice.
I used too much anti-aging cream and now I am a tiny baby.
donald trump's immigration policy If he doesn't use #Mexit when describing his immigration policy it will be a missed opportunity.
United States: There's 5280 feet in one mile. Rest of the World: What even is that? United States: Lol, we made it up.
What is the best way to circumcize a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Me: *pooping with the door open* Olive Garden Mgr: "I know what the slogan says ma'am, we aren't THAT kind of family."
I self medicate, therefore you live.
What's the hardest part about watching a video of somebody being beheaded? My dick.
I never touch baby carrots because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* "Listen if you wanted a "real guitarist" maybe you should put that in the ad!"
I'm not the only Pokemon fan out there. There are Charmeleons of us.
I love going to the park and watch the kids run and scream But they don't know I'm just using blanks
Why can trains go for longer than cars? Because cars get tyred but trains do not, with the exception of Rubber-tyred metro systems.
Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him... Which is kind of ironic  that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping."
I am a Chinese, and this is what I think about Chinese joke: Hao funny. (Hao means "", which can mean yes, good or very)
What's a camel? A horse made by committee.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president. I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We've decided on the perfect name for our baby
I dunno but if I was a "doctor to the stars" I sure wouldn't be bragging about it these days
We've all been talking about your paranoia.
My mum always told me it's better out than in... But my uncle always told me that it's better in than out.
If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.
A boiled egg in the morning... is hard to beat.
So a blind man walks by a fish market... he take a deep breath, then exhales and says "Good morning ladies!"
"Can you validate my parking?" "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud." *wipes away tears* "Thanks."
I bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what they were laced with but I have been tripping all day.
Request: Jokes for the sick? I have a good friend who was just hospitalized, hopefully nothing too serious. I'd love to send him a few short, clean jokes to cheer him up. Thanks!
A headbanger guitar is best made of heavy metal
The only bad thing about most people is having to interact with them.
My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective... ...and that "we should split up" "Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Gemini's go to sleep when they are tired" HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
A recent survey found. 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy
What do you call Central Florida? The DMZ. Disney Militarized Zone.
You know what a Rhetorical Joke is?
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centred lives already in progress.
My 3 year-old wanted to help me cook breakfast... ...but she wasn't eggsperienced enough.
A woman turns to her husband and asks... "Dear, how many women have you slept with?" He replied, "Just you dear, the other ones kept me awake."
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a  yo-yo. Are you stringing me along!
I don't need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire
Why is the word "clit" so fun to say? It just rolls off the tongue.
If I ever need to ask for directions, I will find an Asian person, because who better to help me get Oriented?
War: what is it good for? Resource acquisition, eliminating your enemies, blowing stuff up, feeling like a big man. So, lots actually.
It's a good thing my new Thai girlfriend doesn't have an issue with small penises. I just wish she didnt have one.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Step 1: Stay up late Step 2: Get up early Step 3: Hate the Earth
What do you call a squashed Italian? A Nepalitano. Oh yeah - wait a sec - OK - for the low-info crowd here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Napolitano
Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my  boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour? Operator: No but if you hum a few bars I might be able to sing along with you.
I heard you are what you eat Must explain why your such a huge dick
How'd you get a black eye? Walked into a door. [Later, another shiner] More doors? *nods* One does not simply walk into more doors.
Want to know why I like space heaters? "They make great housewarming gifts"
Han solo vs Redditor Han: NEVER tell the odds! Redditor: I don't even.
I'm not desperate because i'm single, i'm single because i'm not desperate.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone? He got hit by a bus
Boy the things I did to that tirimisu were obscene! It was sort of embarrassing when they asked me to go back to my own table though.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist I'd have so much cash on me I'd probably get mugged by a black man.
What do you call someone without arms or legs Matt
What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community? That's a reservation reservation reservation. (Credit to Brian Regan)
What's Dale Earnhardt's favorite Pink Floyd album? Dark side of the moon. You sick bastard.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station , and the other's a busty crustacean!
When my father won't stop telling bad jokes... ... the puns go on Dad Nauseum!
"Wow, you look like shit this morning." "Really? That's funny because I was totally going for the urination look."
An Trainer talks to one of his Novice Doctor... 'I cannot wait to do this operation!' 'And why is that?' 'If I could not wait to do this operation,I would be no doctor... **'I WOULD BE PATIENT!'**
If April Showers bring May Flowers, What do May Flowers bring? Histamines
Have you heard the joke about the black man and the mexican? Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal. And you thought I was racist.
My wife calls me a "lazy alcoholic." Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
When is a woman too fat to fuck? When you pull her panties to her knees and there's still pussy in them.
I went to see Walt Disney on ice It was a bit disappointing, just an old bloke in a freezer.
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.
1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy. He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, "Fried chicken!" So are the days of our lives.
Hey men, don't be fooled by maxipad commercials. Ladies aren't really full of blue windshield washer fluid.
Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.
The first time I run out of windshield wiper fluid is the last time I have windshield wiper fluid.
For date night tonight I'm taking my wife out for a nice dinner at the Sam's Club sample tables.
I love animals, but I'm thinking of getting rid of my pet anaconda. It keeps taking horse sized dumps. Also, all my horses have gone missing.
If you're ever cold, stand in a corner. It's always ninety degrees
This is how good my dog is, LOL. I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. Rodney Dangerfield
What did the cow say to the other cow? HOLY SH*T A TALKING COW!
"Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.
I have a job circumcising elephants at the zoo... The pay sucks, but the tips are great!
Been playing hide n' seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
What's the difference between a feminist and a Land Mine. Absolutely nothing.
Sex_al Harass_ _nt All that's missing is "u" and "me".
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don't worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I'm good to go.
I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...
Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
"No shit, Sherlock" "Keep digging, Watson"
What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?  Eski-moos!
What does Bill Cosby put in his garden? Rapeseeds.
What's the incest equivalent of a gang bang? A fam bam.
im an exhausting person to be around but once you get to knnow me im actually a giant shithead with irredeemable mouth
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.
I bought a new sex doll... it's so realistic she doesn't wanna have sex with me.
Someone told me to go fuck myself /r/selffuck was a great place to start!
A tapdancer walks into a room and looks at the floor. "I'd tap that."
How would you describe the typical Inuit mathematician? Cold and calculating.
I couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy Until someone helped me think it through. Turns out, two heads are better than one.
Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don't even think of kissing me unless you're hanging upside down from a building.
Sephora is my favorite place to fart.
Stupidest country in the World I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Modified oldie: My dick is ... Boaster: My dick is 12 inches but I don't use it as a rule Boaster+: And mines one metre but I don't use it as a foot!
What did Jamal get for Christmas? Your Bike
I once had a midget for a wife. until I took an arrow to the knee.
What's the difference between prostitutes and onions? I cry when I cut onions
Why shouldn't you wear loose fitting shorts when visiting Ukraine? Because Chernobyl fallout
Did you know that Stalin had a girlfriend that cheated on him? You know what, don't worry about it. She's out of the picture now anyway.
Doctor, my girlfriend grinds her teeth while sleeping. Dr: Put some coffee beans in her mouth and set the alarm for 7:30am
Nice weather guys, lets have the internet outside today...
Hubs says when I drink I'm "too loud" and use too many "big words." WELL I'M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My wife and I finally finished baby-proofing the house. Let's see that baby try and get in here now.
How does Jerry Seinfeld play ice hockey? With his Shtick.
Why was Helen Keller such a terrible driver? Because she was a woman.
It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit.
The next time someone tells me they feel like a million bucks I'm going to try to deposit them into my checking account.
It might be just me but CSI seems a little like Scooby Doo for old people.
I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.
TIFU by pooping on my girlfriend Sorry for the shit post
I visited Karl Marx's grave in London yesterday. It was just another Communist plot.
How many communists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One guy to screw in the light bulb, and the other guy to shoot him if he doesn't do it right.
What do you call a black abortion clinic? Crime stoppers
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents' job.
How does a one armed man row a boat? In a circle.
What do politicians and diapers have in common? Both need to be changed for the same reason.
Christians rethink your religion Because jesus had 2 dads.
What's the capital of Greece? About 10.
Why is it prestigious to wear a condom? It's a members-only jacket.
Drinking American beer is like making love in a canoe... It's fucking too close to water.
Jeremy Beadle has a tiny penis... Jeremy Beadle has a tiny penis, but on the other hand, it's massive.
What do you call a snake's mother? A boa constructor.
Microsoft used to make fleshlights then they halted production because everyone kept getting viruses.
Did you hear about the racist dolphin waiter? He serves no porpoise.
What do you call an Italian without arms A speech impediment!
Give me a compliment. A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
So I was fingering my sister the other day. She said "wow you do it just like dad!" I replied "thats what mom said" then I found my brothers wedding ring.
[pulls up after first date] Me: well, this is my place Her: a bouncy house? Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY "YOUR MAJESTY."
What does a Polish guy do on the ice? He breaks in.
What do a thong and Bernie Sander's crazyman hairstyle have in common? They both barely cover a cunt.
Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match? Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't
Why was the lesbian nervous about her first trip to China? All the dongs.
"VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!" - Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Never trust trees. They're shady.
What's the difference between apathy and ignorance? I don't know and I don't care.
Did you guys know that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans.
I'm just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Did you know that if you were to print out every single page on the internet, and stack them all, one on top of the other... ... environmentalists would go fucking nuts.
Survey abt anal They did a survey to see what people thought about anal. It was split down the middle.
I found a bunch of money I didn't know I had while cleaning for company... ...it was like Christmas.
What did the cookie say to the cracker? You feeling salty bro?
Why aren't you allowed to smile when taking your driver IDs? Because you won't be smiling when the cops pull you over.
Two whales walk into a bar The first whale says to the bartender "WHAAAA-EEEEEEEE-OOOOOOO-UUUUUU" The second whale turns to the first and says "Frank! What the hell is wrong with you?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? because you didn't cook it. ^^probably ^^old ^^but ^^I ^^read ^^it ^^for ^^the ^^first ^^time
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Did you here about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Knock! Knock.....
What do you call a thick-skinned aardvark? A hardvark!
Chocolate coins are easily the most delicious of all coins; plus, they don't get stuck in your teeth like pennies.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at his face.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
A man wearing nothing but cellophane walked into a psychiatrist office.  The doctor said I can clearly see your nuts
I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf ...except at wolf picnics, when you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races.
What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room Oh suite! This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.
For 30 minutes after my first cup if coffee I love everybody. If I could bottle that feeling we could fix the world.
dat hyphen A man eating fish was saved by a hyphen from a man-eating fish (you might have heard it before but its new to me)
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I'm going out for tacos
I requested a wish that money can't buy. MH370
FRIENDS reunion (2016) RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up CHANDLER: [texting from home] same... work JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN!!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
I'm opening a store that specializes in selling automatic weapons. It's called Bloodbath &amp; Beyond
Indians and their Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30.
Make your employees work 8x faster by constantly playing that music from Sonic the Hedgehog when you've been under water for too long.
Why do Chinese people suck at soccer? Because every time they get a corner they open up a restaurant.
My German plumber accidentally hooked up my gas line to my shower... Looks like old habits die hard.
How are black people similar to tornadoes? They both only take one to ruin a neighborhood.
Did I ever tell you about the guy who had a visectamy? He said it didn't work, all it did was change the color of his kids.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I'm not too fond of Literacy
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.
Breaking news the FBI has found anti matter! They hooked Hillary Clinton up to a polygraph machine...
What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose? Nobody knows!
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I dunno, but the real question is how'd they get in there in the first place?
I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he have so many pictures of my parents fighting?
I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house
What's the difference between a Walnut and a Chickpea? I've never had a Walnut on my chest..
I was confused the other day when someone told me I can make ice cubes with left over wine. What the fuck is "left over wine"?
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN? Saddest joke ever.
TV sitcom idea: Wacky copy editor who yells "nailed it!" even when he didn't, also he's alone as mankind was obliterated by a viral pandemic
It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
People who don't wash their hands make me sick.
Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a poof.
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike
Why did the man get excited when he had sex with a pregnant woman? He could tell all his friends he had a threesome!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
I like my presidents like I like my slaves Cautious and skeptical about ideas that start off with "I ran"
Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help. She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
Tomorrow is Saturday... ...that means i only have to worry about work, i don't have to actually be there.
What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffett have in common? They both had Kurds in their way!
What do you call a dinosaur FBI agent? A pteredacted.
My favorite Robin Williams joke What do you call a person with both Down syndrome and Tourette syndrome?
Who is the commander of cheese? Sargento
I had no idea she was allergic to rat poison your honor
What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and Jesus? You only need one nail for the picture.
*checks watch* *gets up off toilet* I don't have time for this shit
Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three? One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair
A legume broke out of prison today Police are looking for the escapea.
Why did the guitar shop fail a fire safety inspection? No Stairway.
Four gay men are running around the track. Can you follow?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant] check, mate *everyone explodes*
What did the buffalo say when dropping off his son at college? Bison.
My angry wife left me after she said ".. eat shit and die! " And all I said was: "So dinner is ready?".
Yo I am bored
Muammar Gaddafi wasn't really that bad...... But his brothers, Larrymar and Curlymar were the worst!
What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute ? I don't cum when the onion cries and begs for mercy as I cut it up.
Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren't out yet
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? *Walks away*
You know you're ugly when... someone hands you the camera for a group picture and you still break the lens.
My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Jewish women will leap at anything 15% off.
American light beers are like having sex on a canoe... Its fucking close to water
How do you make an orange turn red? Get John Boehner to cry.
A rabbi and a priest are walking past a park, where they see a group of boys playing football The priest says "Let's go over and screw them kids." The rabbi replies "Out of what?"
Why are Gametes good at marketing? Sex cells!
What do you call a blasian? A criminal mastermind
It's 1942, Berlin. A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest walks out.
I lost both my hands in a car crash... But there is a silver lining somewhere. I just can't put my finger on it.
What was Albert Einsteins DJ name? MC Squared
How many Muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Allah them
Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drown in his tea pee.
hi yeah I'm here about the junior executive position. my skills? well I'm SUPER GOOD at playing video games i found too difficult as a child
A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?" I said "1080p"
What do you call the reasoning behind mexican murderers? Locomotives
Gold walks into a bar... So gold walks into a bar and than the bartender says AU get out! I show myself out...
Why was the Nigerian toddler crying? He was going through mid life crisis.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear "You've taught me so much."
What would Inception: The Porno be called? Contraception.
I stole a futon from a shop. I think the police are after me, so I have beenlying low.
When they start with the punchline. How do you know if your friend is a bad comedian?
"Ahmed, you're parking too far away from the sidewalk." "Who cares, its gonna explode anyways."
What has 2 legs but doesn't use them? A man named Bob running down a train track (only Asians will understand)
TIL: During a military coup ...most people just stand around and do nothing.
I took my kids to the aquarium. "If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son. "Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.
Soccer manager fired for mistake "Whoops wrong sub" - Manager
Why did China write such a shit constitution? Because two Wongs can't make a right!
I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye... So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. ...Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.
Someone accused the Mona Lisa of killing a man. But I think she's been framed
Ever seen a horse with a carrot on a stick dangling over its head? Last night on the treadmill's TV, I saw an ad for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Celebrities are called stars because they're hot, not very bright, unattainable and destined to eventually collapse into a black hole.
"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?" "Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak."
I finally started writing the book on herbs I've been putting off for so long, I guess it's.. :looks directly at the camera: "About thyme"
Someone at work asked if I'd listened to any good books lately, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(
A classic Tommy Cooper gag * I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' * He said: 'How flexible are you?' * I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis........ Shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.
Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad! Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn't say that!
Why does a witch wear a pointed black hat?  To keep her head warm.
whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter? ... I pull out of my driveway
Sequel series to House M.D. announced Its confirmed name is "Full House"
Donald Trump
I was having sex with my wife... and asked her how it felt. She grunted and groaned and said it felt like two. So, I reached down to investigate. The damn thing had done gone and doubled up on me.
Why were 9/11 victims the fastest readers? They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor... Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"
Mom, dad... I'm gay. I didn't know either, someone on the internet told me
Knock Knock Who's there ! Celeste ! Celeste who ? Celeste time I lend you money !
My niece asked me what it's like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
What's the saddest sea-creature? abalonely
The common phrase to express somethings simplicity is "its not rocket science...". But what do rocket scientists say to each other? "Come on Doug, its not.....sex."
"911? Help, my son has gone missing" [baby lowers hands from eyes] "Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"
What do you tell a gardener with a psych major? I fucking hate my mom.
Volkswagen are a bunch of cheats... Audi you think they Passat their diesel tests for all these years? They would have never Beetle their CCompetition if they hadn't.
There's nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Have you heard about that new movie 'Constipation'? It hasn't come out yet.
Why do the French eat only one egg for breakfast? Because one is un oeuf
Straight Outta Compton Spoiler Eazy-E dies
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
"Daddy, I want to watch Dora." Sweetie this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
What is the first thing men newborns do before first breath? Give head to their mom
Boy: Have u ever been fishing before Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Reasons Pluto is so cold: 3) It's far from the sun 2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat. 1) It found out we said it's not a planet.
Just read an emotional story of a woman who overcame incredible odds to make french onion soup Stirring stuff
Why was the glow worm unhappy ? Because her children weren't that bright !
Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 10% off
Why did everyone love the fisherman? He was a real catch
Special olympics joke [0 upvotes 'cause no one cares about special olympics]
On my TV I can see plenty of zombies, cartoon characters, and religious hucksters. I guess the elections are coming up soon!
I am Ahmed Mohamed AMA! Wow that blew up fast!
I got fired from the health spa. A psychic came in and asked for a back rub. I gave him one, but then I got in trouble for massage-a-mystic behavior.
Knock knock... "Knock knock" 'Who's there?' "Doctor" 'Doctor who?' "I plan to take that answer to my grave!"
Did you hear about the janitor who lost his job at the sperm bank? [dirty] He was caught drinking on the job...
Hear about the lady who backed into a fan? Disaster
Idea for a male strip club: Call it the Rock Hard Cafe... I think the rest is self explanatory.
What do you call a Spanish man who has just got out of hospital? Manuel...
Who wants to go to Florida with me? I heard the clubs are to die for.
Why did the Elton John wax dummy get down voted? Because it was fake and gay.
What do clouds want to be when they grow up?  -Thunderstorms
Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.
How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship? 9/11
What's the maximum velocity while having sex? 68, cause at 69 you flip over
My x-girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh It was amazing! If you put your ear to it you could smell the ocean!!!
What do u call a bad jokester? Matteo
First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry
Did you hear about the new car that instead of using gas, runs on Carbon, Oxygen, Carbon, and Potassium? It's a real guzzler.
Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how? Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I'm a miracle worker
This Halloween I will be dressing up as Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 by RSVPing to all possible parties & attending absolutely none of them.
I bet the guy who programs Angry Birds can't walk into a building without thinking about exactly where he'd hit it to make it fall down.
What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion? Two fingers.
What did the broken bridge say? I have truss issues.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI A spine
I got an electric shock yesterday. I couldn't resist it
Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing? Because they're Master Baiters.
What kind of blood did the mna have who culdn't spel right? Typo.
Why don't blacks celebrate thanksgiving? KFC isnt open on holidays
My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree. We just had our anniversary dinner last week.
Did you hear the one about the invisible knife? I couldn't see the point!
Here's a good joke... SWAG
Goldilocks was killed last night The murderers did it with their own bear hands
The teacher asked Johnny, "Why is your cat at school today Johnny?" Johnny replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Johnny leaves for school today!'"
Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel Great sedimental value. (I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)
What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend? See you next month!
Paris Jackson just got a tattoo in honour of her father... It's bad.
What famous person is a huge fan of trees? "Tim ber"ton
How can you tell when you're in a bad strip club? It's not hard.
ebola jokes Knock knock Who's there? Ebola. Ebola who? Ebowl of cereal
"One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you...." under a moving bus
What do you do when ISIS attacks? Make a mad Daesh to a shelter
I used to go to the physician just like you, but then I took an hammer to the knee.
Therapist has suggested yoga, for a calming, alternate state of consciousness. But its to much easier just to drink.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Why don't skeletons play music in church? Because they got no organs.
"OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??" -me watching gymnastics
Mom, can you take us to the maul? -teen bears, probably
What do you call the statistics for the total amount of waste produced by the US this year? Gross
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
What's a cats favorite firearm? A meowser
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador! I am not sorry.
I'm not here to make FRIENDS - David Schwimmer on his day off (it is 1996 in this tweet)
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.
I have a fear of speed bumps... ...I'm slowly getting over it.
What's the difference between mad cow disease and PMS? Nothing.
New Jared Sub Subway has came out with a new sub this week called the Jared Sub. It is 37 year old salami sandwiched between 10 year old buns.
I'm sitting in a bar, minding my own business, when a guy yells in my ear, "I'm gonna fuck your mother!" I turn around and say, "go home dad, you're drunk again."
Now if they could just make PokemonStop.. I could sit and actually enjoy this game! In playin pokemon Yellow right now ; p
Whenever I read the karma sutra, it puts me in an awkward position.
How do you know that your girlfriend has been cheating on you with a black guy? When she takes the tampon out and all of the cotton's gone
Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons.
Why has barbie never gotten pregnant? Because Ken came in another box ;)
If Groot played basketball He'd set the record for most tree pointers in a game.
Weird is a side effect of awesome.
(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell? So that deaf people can enjoy them too!
My wife wants to have the baby listen to classical music while in the womb. Would an ipod nano or shuffle be easier to get up there?
*hears someone breaking in* *grabs gun and walks down hallway* *cord drags* *realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt* *gets shot*
Osama was found hiding in mansion in Abbottabad. Talk abbot-a-bad place to try and hide...
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I remember when "Something's eating up data." meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
The 7 Drug Habits Of High, Ineffective People
Apple is advertising the new iPhone as "The most powerful four inches ever." I can't believe they stole my slogan.
Don't feel like going to the gym? Go to all your ex's facebook pages and see who they're dating now. Then go to the gym.
Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle? Nobody can.
Pessimist had not sex for a long time Optimist had sex but long ago
Want to hear a joke told backwards? Upvote first.
What do you call a Mexican Disney Princess? A Taco Belle.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg? A hobblin' goblin
Why doesn't Aaron want to get out of the water, even though he is hydrophobic? Because he enjoys living in denial.
A little boy says to his dad 'What is the difference between wealth and poverty?' And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'
Ever heard of Black Jesus? I hear he's pretty hung.
I lost two bagels on a public bathroom floor. Now they're pissed.
My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we're clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. She just sent the announcement via email.
Ebola lingers in semen for nine months... I couldn't think of a decent punchline, but there's a winner out there for this headline for sure. . Highest voted comment wins the punchline.
What goes great with noodles? COMPANY!
Did you hear a bunch of surgeons are at the comedy club? It's open Mike night.
I opened the microwave without knocking and caught my hot dogs touching tips.
I haven't told many people... But last night I was sexually assaulted. Though eventually, I managed to beat him off.
When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo... ...I had to put my foot down.
The 2014 world limbo champion walks into a bar... and loses his title.
Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?" She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.
What's the hardest part about skydiving? The ground.
YO MAMAS SO POOR I SEE HER KICKING A CAN DOWN  THE ROAD I SAID "WHAT YAR DOING " SHE SAID "MOVING" !!!
Someone wake up that guy from Green Day.
A fight or flight situation. Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher's walking towards you with "the look" on her face.
I met a Russian homosexual today His name was sir gay
In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.
Why do Muslims love shopping at Ross? Because they can dress foreless.
I just saw my first Porno yesterday.... I couldn't believe how young I looked in it.
I have beef- -aroni.
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a  snowman? Frostbite.
PLEASE PEOPLE: Don't forget to "like" before you copy & paste. Thank you.
What does Trump's hair and a thong have in common? They both barely cover the asshole.
How does Bono spell "color"? With or without "u"
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
What did the gold miner say when he met the singer of Pink Floyd? Au
How do you turn soup to gold? Add 24 carrots
Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
Unroll wrapping paper. Shoo cat away Turn to get gift Shoo cat away Get tape Dammit cat Get tape Wrap up cat Wrap up gift Pet cat
My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.
My grandma started running 5K / day at age 60 She's 93 now, we have no idea where she is
Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment? They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas
Have you heard the joke about the flying sandwich? Nope. Neither have I.
Two peanuts were walking down the street... And one was a salted
I saw a lady at work today doing "breathing exercises" and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(
How do you find Calvin Broadus Jr's darkest secrets? You Snoop, Dogg.
What has 100 teeth and keeps Godzilla at bay? My zipper
Where does a burger feel at home? On the range!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously* *keeps narrowing them* *closes them entirely* [naps]
I totally get your eyebrows. My bank account is overdrawn, too.
What if soy milk... ...is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
This is why I failed out of collage.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there's no racism problem?
Say "Rise up lights" in your normal speaking voice. . . You just said "Razor blades" with an Australian accent.
Wyclef Jean has been hospitalized for fatigue and I know how he feels. I've been tired of his ass for years.
If my love life was a movie it would be Demolition Man... ...starring Sylvester Still-alone.
Whats the best fat guy pickup line? If you think I'm fat, you should see my chubby!
Gays are leading the fight against overpopulation and we need to join them in this fight before it's too late! But first...
Why did the bodybuilder buy a dictionary? Because he wanted to get more definition.
Pro Tip: I'm not a pro. Don't listen to my tips.
I find it hard to dress casually. I always get emotionally involved.
Did you hear about the solider that survived a mustard gas attack and a pepper spray attack? He's now a seasoned veteran.
What's the difference between the Earth and my sock? The Earth's crust is on the outside.
Why was the sand wet? Because the sea-weed
Joke of the Day 6/10/14 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.
What do you call five Mexicans on the bottom of a pool? Sinko :D
The Flat Earth Society No further comments needed.
What do you call a lion with a fancy hat? A dandy lion.
In college, I liked beer more than Girls. A beer can't change its mind after you get its top off. Edit: Thanks, grammar Nazis
what do you call a bear without an ear? **B**
My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.
Dance like no one's a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat's sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
What's the difference between a telemarketer and a man with a multiphobic personality? One gets lots of annoyed hangups, the other has a lot of annoying hangups.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Who is currently leading in the Pirate Party Polls? Noone. Pirates don't have poles, they have masts.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Who discovered Victoria Falls? Whoever tripped her.
Where do snowmen dance? At the snowball!
Who knows how to sing Mariah Carey songs? Not Mariah Carey
A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter. How dairy..
3 guys walk into a bar... The fourth one ducks.
How many ska kids does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to drop the bulb and two to yell "pick it up pick it up!"
Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub... and my sister commented that the hair on her privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don't grow on a racetrack".
What do you call a blind deer? No eyed deer. What do you call a dead, blind deer? Still no eyed deer.
What do you call two detectives tracking down a ghost? Pair-a-normal investigators.
Why did the farmer fail to bring in the whole harvest before winter frost? He got lost in the maize.
new way to pay A company in India is coming out with a competitive PayPal alternative called PayMyFriend.
Why can't two Asians make a Caucasian? Because two wongs don't make a white.
I like my women like my Asian food: Hot and sweet.
Fat girls just want to have Funyuns.
I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said "time to get a watch" & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.
"Ummmm..." -Rope, while being tied into a noose
How to avoid clickbait 101 Now you know
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
This is so embarrassing, what's your name again? - me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face... whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.
Christ died to absolve us of sin... Now if only he'd come back and die two more times to get rid of cos and tan.
interview with donald trump interviewer:hey where did you get that money from? donald trump:i got it from my daddy
What do history teachers make when they want  to get together ? Dates !
What did Harry Potter say when his waiter gave him the wrong drink? "Sir, when I buy patron I EXPECTO PATRONUM!" (Hauls ass towards the exit)
Why do Jihadist Muslims drink only instant coffee? Because they completely hate the French press. (Reposted)
Little Ghost So this little ghost floated by my room twice headed the same direction: left to right, left to right. I'm guessing it was just deja boo.
I was once called a racist for saying black paint Apparently the correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything"
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED [wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit] Jesus: OK I'MMA COME BACK LATER
Wife: I'm glad you're watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends? Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Clint Eastwood walks into a bar... The barman says "What would you like?" And Clint Eastwood says "A Dirty Harry"
I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off. Nice bit of footage.
Read at own Risk               
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder.
Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for  the robbery boss? Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.
To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
What did the baby order at the chinese restaurant? Goo goo gai pan!
My all time favourite joke. Apologies to 99% of you. What's big and white and sits in a tree? A fridge. What's big and white and blue and sits in a tree? A fridge wearing jeans.
Being left-handed is unacceptable. It's just not right....
I'm still not sure if I should throw out or keep my old pillow. I guess I better sleep on it.
When is a testicular tumor like a bingo ball? when it's B-9
How to seduce a fat person? Piece of cake
Did r/jokes hear about the new Taco Bell Express yet? You give them 99c, and they throw a burrito in the toilet for you.
Rick astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one. He's never going to give you Up.
[on phone to gf] her: "you never understand me anymore so.." me: "so what?" her: "we're breaking up" me: "i can hear you fine"
What would Obi Wan be called if he were Mexican? Obi Juan Kenobi.
Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
A man walks into a library asking for a book... A man walks into a library asking for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian replies, "Fuck off, you won't return it."
What do you call a male robot that likes to dress up in women's clothing? A transistor.
What does a cyborg order at a diner? A Cyborger
What do you call a nun that walks in her sleep? A roamin' Catholic.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
What's the funniest smelling thing on the earth? An anchovies cunt.
My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat. Waitress: Are you all finished? Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.
I'm on hold with West Elm and they're playing a contemporary jazz song with a man saying "aquarium" every 4 counts. Hold music is evolving
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
Why do sorority girls travel in odd number packs? Because they can't even
Caitlyn Jenner has been charged with manslaughter... Bruce is dead.
What did the duck say to the avacado? guac guac
I don't mind head lice, unless I have to take them out of people's hair. But that's just me nitpicking.
I haven't seen the U.S. drop two on Japan that quickly since 1945
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming "KITT!" When he can't find his car.
Made love to my girlfriend like a Jedi last night. She said no so I used "the force".
Why are so many guys mean to their girl friends ? Because of the [central limit theorem](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Central_limit_theorem).
ASIAN KIDS: Do they make you ride through the X-ray machine at the airport since your minds are basically computers?
Like the man who has run out kleenexes... this is bound to come in handy!
The news about Charlie Sheen having HIV is the only positive thing I have been reading in my Facebook timeline all week. No pun intended.
[high] ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing FRIEND: wait, u mean- ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere
Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs. If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.
I found a lamp in a back alley When I rubbed it the genie said 'You may have a long memory, or a long penis' I forget my response
Knock knock. Knock knock Who's there? Nobell Nobell who? Nobell that's why I knock lah.
My dad told me if I kept jacking off I'd go blind. I said dad, I'm over here
I never get invited to search parties.
When you wish upon a star, wish upon Proxima Centari. At 4.2 light years away it's likely to have the best return time.
What do you call a black man who fly's a plane? A pilot, you racist.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you'll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
What's the difference between a rapper and God in a strip club? When god makes it rain bitches get wet.
Where are five gay guys on a bus headed to? One Direction
turn on: when you double space your essay and it goes from 3 to 5 pages
Why should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen? To protect himself from the harmful rays.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its arsehole.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
How much business does an Amish prostitute get? Ten Mennonite
Did you hear the joke about the jump-rope? Eh, let's skip it.
how do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogy in it.
Nice try "Enjoy By" date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
A baby seal walks into a bar... ... and says,"I'll have anything but a Canadian Club."
The wise sage asked him, "If you take money out of the equation, what activity in life would thrill you the most. What's your passion?" "Fantasy football"
My high school bully still takes my lunch money... On the plus side, he makes really good subway sandwiches
My new thesaurus is terrible! Not only that but it's also terrible.
eBay is so useless I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Exorcist - The Sequel Have you heard about the sequel to the Exorcist? In the new version, a woman hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.
Why are there no good jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? The punchline is too long.
What do spies say in bed? Shh I'm undercovers
When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.
What do you get, if you cross a bad joke with a rhetorical question? ...
A friend asked me if I'd rather marry a mediocre woman, or my dream girl-- plus a dick. "That's easy," I said. "I don't want to settle for average. I'll take the girl with two dicks."
I was people would stop asking where I see myself in 5 years... I don't have 2020 vision
Absence makes the heart grow fonder my ass. I haven't been on Myspace in years and I still think it fucking sucks.
Your mama is so fat... The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.
Did anyone lose a roll of twenties wrapped in a rubberband? I found the rubberband!
None, building it is a job for engineers. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
My psychic friend told me that she could tell me what my favourite band is... I said No Doubt
Who's that one armed rockstar drummer? Oh yeah, Phil Rudd. Too soon?
Call me Marquis de Sade Cause I'm a smooth operator
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Have you ever heard a Carthaginian ambulance? Dido, Dido, Dido, Dido, Dido!
I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.' But maybe I'm overreacting.
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I'm a computer. My goodness you'd better come to my surgery right away! I can't my power cable won't reach that far.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I'd like to read a medication bottle that says "May Cause Multiple  Orgasms"
The worst number in the world. 6.9 it's 69 interrupted by a period
Why did the Atheist fail algebra? He didn't believe in higher powers.
I treat my wife like a fine wine. I keep that bitch locked in the cellar.
The scariest thing about being a doctor is if you ever, even once, accidentally call it a "cooter" you're fired for life.
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba na na naaa
What helps put a Jew to sleep? gas
What was Hitler's favorite TV show? The Price is Reich
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine's Day.
What kind of tableware do gym trainers use? Pilates
How do you confuse a blonde? Give her a coloring book, and tell her to color in all the pages with a white crayon.
What does a drug addict and a child have in common? They both want tablets for Christmas.
When you go to a cannibal restaurant, always bring a friend to have for dinner.
You're right, strange woman giving me your opinion on having tattoos. I regret them right now because they caused you to talk to me.
Gloria Gaynor's ghost I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at  the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
A Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first? A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!! XD
Who sang at the funeral of those who died in a railroads arson? Adele. Some one set fire to the train
I discovered recently that I can cut wood just by looking at it It's true I saw it with my eyes
Bird of peace? The dove Bird of war? The hawk Bird of true love? ..wait for it... .... The swallow *walks offstage
[hardware store] Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff Wife: Fine Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
What do you call a gay wizard? A Broromancer
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee's Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Someone asked me today where I'll be in 5 years... Seriously? I'm wearing glasses, you know I don't have 2020 vision.
Q: What do you call a cow with a hysterectomy? A: Decalfinated.
Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die) TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
DATE: so...this is your place? ME: yea...not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
What do you call a dad without jeans? A potato.
Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio. Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
My family tree is a cactus, we're all pricks.
Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili?? If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!
Things look 'a whole lot brighter in the morning' because of the sun. They still suck.
She's got a great personality! It's the other 6 personalities that I'm worried about....
If it weren't for smoke detectors, I'd never know when my food was ready.
I want to die like my grandfather did Quiet and peacefully, unlike the screaming passengers in his car.
How do you tell the difference between a Fabric Designer and a Science Professor? Ask them to pronounce "LATEX"
If Bruce Jenner goes missing tonight, will they put his face on a carton of half n half?
Why did the farmer feed his cows money? He wanted rich milk.
I entered a laziness competition and placed first. I got atrophy.
Date: "I don't like Taco Bell." *Pushes her in front of a bus.*
There are 70,000 Jehovah's Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I'll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.
Money may not buy happiness, but pondering your problems on a tropical island would sure beat pondering them on your couch.
How can you tell when your drowning in milk? When it gets pasteurise.
9/10 people are retarded I'm glad I'm a part of the 1%.
Batman Acting Application A actor walks into the interview. The interviewer asked him questions."So far you are the perfect person for the job. Last question,are your parents alive?"
What's grey? A melted penguin!
What did the hair stylist do when the Beach Boys came on? The barber ran
I call my Asian friend Spongebob Because he's yellow and can't drive
Why did the SJW hate the Mexican robot? Because it was Pablo-matic
How does a faceless man from Braavos have an orgasm? By Jaqen off.
What do designers of gum call new flavors from old ingredients? ex-spearmints
Do you know how many hydrogen bonds I can disrupt? (Chemistry pick-up line) Enough to break the ice, how's it going?
DATE: I'm leaving ME: Why? D: You keep pretending to be a bat M: I don't D: You're doing it right now [a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W- Bruce: They're Batcakes Alfred. Say "Batcakes!"
Wheather you have a lot of sex or watch porn frequently... without propper protection you're going to catch a virus.
My orgies are like the Special Olympics... There's lots of drooling and everyone is a winner.
Got my dad today nope nevermind, he ran away again
"My husband's a talented voice actor & his brother's a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person" -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach? Its not that hard
How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone? Put it into airplane mode
A dog is ironing shirts and cursing under it's breath: "What a fool I was! Bring me the slippers, my ass!".
There was a man who was arrested for masturbating in a public library... He came quietly.
Everybody laughed when I told them I was going to become a comedian They're not laughing now!
A kind man helped me with wood chopping today I really appreciate the random axe of kindness.
Tribbles. [How many tribbles does it take to screw in a light bulb?](http://imgur.com/aTXIs)
Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon... Apparently it's a real lunatic
22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders
I call my penis the Trojan horse It looks harmless, but then it gets inside you and completely destroys you.
I wonder if they have WiFi in Hell...
What famous pig actor made a movie about  Frankenswine? Boaris Karloff.
It's hard to argue with a spear I mean, it's got a point.
There's a line of underwear specially made for skeletons... It's called the VerteBra.
If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.
I never thought I'd be drowning in a river. I think I was in the Nile
What is black and white and is nearest to South America O-Rio
If being a success was a sound, I bet it would sound a lot like this air pump I'm using to inflate my new furniture.
Trying to talk sense into a racist... Is like trying to beat a Jew at hide and seek.
what did the boy with no arms an no legs get for Christmas? .... Cancer
Religion is like masturbation. It's okay to practice it at home in private, but when people start gathering to do it together shit goes downhill.
How many illegals will it take to build Trump's wall? Too many to document.
Cat puns freak meowt
its adam and eve not woody and buzz, if you want a real toy story read the bible
Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed. Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco... Me: I'll have 9 tacos.
If you want us to know how much you love biking, we better see your cock and balls through your shorts.
Recently scientist found an actual biographical journal of Rip Van Winkle And the rest is history
Why was Les miserable? He was French.
I know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. Cause once you say "I do" your right hand is gonna be awful busy.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.......
Why don't cows ever have any money?  Because the farmers milk them dry!
Where do ISIS fighters go to purchase soda and candy? Allahu snackbar!
How do you draw a scatter plot? You give the pen to michel j fox
They should name American Pharoah's first offspring "Regression to the Mean" Because, you know, statistics.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ... And smoked a joint
George Takei, George Clooney, George Lucas, and George R.R. Martin decided to have a barbecue. They named their little get-together the "George" Four-Man Grill.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? Because if they fell forward, they would land in the boat!
What's the difference between George Washington and Nicki Minaj? [Nicki Minaj never owned slaves.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr1p4KtgOXc)
A man walks into his son's room... He warns his kid, "Son, you need to stop masturbating, or you'll go blind!" The boy responds, "I'm over here, dad."
The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.
DUMPED BY HIS GIRLFRIEND Q: Why was the 6'6" guy so brokenhearted after his 4'9" girlfriend dumped him? A: He was nuts over her.
It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.
UBER: Sounds better than "Let's get in this strange man's car!"
How do you know when you should get a puppy? When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out
It's Cultural Appropriation Day.. O wait the Irish aren't Pussies.
99% of my socks are single and you don't see them crying about it.
Why do peasants watch the Weather Channel? To get the serf report
What's the only thing better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded
The blind soccer world cup... ... where there's no 'eye' in 'team'
eating ice cream after working out so my body knows who's in charge
"I'm so glad that pasting that text included the format of the original document!" -- No one. Ever.
I quit my job at the helium factory today I won't stand to be spoke to in that tone of voice
Help! I can't post anything on Reddit! Pls help!
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on pick-up lines. The librarian replies, "It's in my house, if you want to come over and collect it."
Number of ways to start a terrorist attack: 321 BOOM!
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain!
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza? He ate it before it was cool.
How do you turn a robot on? You push his power button.
I'm looking for a book on lack of empathy', I asked the librarian. Do I look like I give a fcuk?', he snapped. "Yes, that's the one', I said.
What do you call the Spanish Government? Juan Republic
that coat doesn't break wind... if it doesn't fart it's not a coat.
Why was the girl in such a bad mood when she got out of jail? She had a period at the end of her sentence.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met!
What do you call an Arab who owns 5,000 cows A Milk Sheikh.
What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap? You did that on porpoise
Men at 25 plays football. Men at 40 plays tennis. Men at 60 plays golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller ?
What do you call a discount circumcision? A rip off.
If you whisper, "we're being watched," you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.
What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question? ...
What's the difference between your Pacman high score and your child? I haven't beaten your high score.
What's your crappiest Pick-up attemp? Me: "Hey, how much does a polar bear weights?" Her: o.O "Wut...idk" Me: "Enough to break the ice, I'm NuComer, how you doing?"
Sometimes I wish I was like my calendar, it always has dates.
Homosexual Relationships (Pun) gay guys talking about relationships some of them say that the person they lost their virginity to were assholes I comment "I think you all lost it to assholes tbh"
Why are lesbians statistically more poor than the average person? Because they eat out every night.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his wife when she asked if Christmas was his favourite holiday I still love Easter, Baby.
[NSFW] A guy accidentally took sleeping pills instead of Viagra... he couldn't get up.
Why couldn't the melons run away and get married? They cantelope.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a  state policeman pulls him over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked." "'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
"Daddy, where do babies come from?" From mommies. "How do they get inside?" CAN'T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN'T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Chuck Norris is actually every member of Slipknot. That's how fast he can change costumes.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife I thought it was an awesome trade.
You're like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
(Dirty!) Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
Outkast: Ok now ladies! Me: Yeah??! OK: I wanna see y'all on your baddest behavior! Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*
A C++ error walks into a bar... A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here". The error replies "But I'm an EXCEPTION!" Haaaaaaaaaa!
I like my coffee how I like my women Sweet and with a cream topping.
What does a Duggar girl and the Unabomber have in common? They have both been fingered by their brother.
Joke my friends told me. So I asked this Jewish girl for her number. She rolled up her sleeve
How do know if the person that you have just met is a DJ? They will tell you.
Cool prank: Gradually remove a little bit of your mom's arm bones each night in her sleep until her arms are just totally floppy
Put the punchline in the title. How do you ruin a joke?
What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird
The Indian food market My buddy asked me if I wanted to get lunch with him at the new Indian food market and I said namaste (nah... ima stay)
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn't catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07
How did the Scarecrow win the award? He was outstanding in is field.
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape.
I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.
What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with? A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon.
HER: Can I give you my new number? ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don't already know.
What do you call two gay guys who look different but sound the same? Homophones.
What is it called when a large piece of foliage is the same on both sides? Symmetree.
Anal sex is a lot like broccoli If you're forced to have it as a child, you're probably not going to enjoy it as an adult.
Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury. "You've made a grave mistake!" He fumes.
extremely suspicious that there's no information about brains that didn't come from a brain
A Diamond Comes home to his Coal wife and Coal Child He says "I've been under a lot of pressure lately (Edit: Just realized this was on the front page gaddamit)
What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a lottery ticket One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket
Black Joke Why are black people getting stronger??? Because the televisions these days are getting heavier.
Unfortunately Miley Cyrus broke up with her boyfriend It didn't twerk out
What do you call an old film composer? Hans Zimmer-frame
I bet the only thing scarier than a clown is the web history of someone who makes their living as one.
Pro-lifers Haven't they realised that you have to die to get to Heaven?
How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant? Only one cannoli.
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
"What do we want?" "Hearing aids." "When do we want them?" "Hearing aids."
With all the hate about the black clone trooper He is a clone of Jango Fett brother, Django Fett. http://pmcvariety.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/star-wars-teaser.png?w=670&amp;h=351&amp;crop=1
I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!
I work as a dishwasher, Its a pretty dishgusting job.
What is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer. A bad lawyer can make a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Monday through Friday I have a friend who, Monday through Friday seems very strong, but Saturday and Sunday he's weekend.
Have you heard about the dyslexic robber who ran into a bank? He screamed: "Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!"
Why doesn't Yogi wear shoes? He likes to go... bearfoot! I'll see myself out...
I bought shoes off a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What happens when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
What do you call an Irish man who lives in your back garden? Patti O'Furniture
Why did gays started to join NSA? They thought it stood for 'no straight allowed'.
How will an IT guy fix a lamp? He'll restart the nuclear power plant
You can only enjoy Lord of the Rings if you're taking heroin... It's called high fantasy.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, "Thanks!"--please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My cell-mate had nick name for me... Mitochondria.
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I'll probably live forever.
When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I'm going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If you're not wearing the shirt you slept in, you're doing Sunday wrong.
What's a bear without an ear? A b
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I was out when I saw a bIack man running with a TV. "That looks like mine" I thought, so I went home and checked but no, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
My sister is an expert pastry-maker. She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.
I beat up a drummer in marching band. I'm not afraid of any re-percussions.
If you date a Chinese girl and you don't want to meet her parents, you're doing it Wong.
My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.
Why do aspirins work? Because they're white.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we're having a baby... My name, address and telephone number.
when asked about the future of artificial intelligence.... some people say it will be a catastrophic cataclysmic calamity.... and some people say that's what she said.
'Just 90's kids things' 40 years later Good cartoons and good eyesight
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I hope he means well...
What do you call a gay Asian guy? Rice-a-Roni
What Do You Call A Dog With Wings? Linda McCartney
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married? Feyonce
On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.
[gets found guilty of murder] [sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat] [appeals] [gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
"Ladies and gents." That concludes our tour of the toilets.
[funeral] ME: I never know what to say at these things. WIDOW: sorry for your loss. ME: it's ok, I'm sure I'll think of something.
[NSFW] How do you mount your virtual girlfriend? With a hard drive bae.
What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common? In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate the pie before it was cool.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I always had the worst luck when I went fishing... Until I caught a Flounder Yesterday. My dad said it was a Fluke
So happy I got to see "bucket list" added to the dictionary before I die.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a dead gorilla? There aren't any dead babies at the Cincinnati Zoo.
Hey Gillette commercial, Want to impress me with your Razors? Have Robin Williams shave his arms with one...
Scientist have found a rare mutation in some goats... It's called the Billy gene and causes them to believe that the kid is not their son.
Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it's two tired. Edit: added "because".
I'd rather break your headboard than your heart.
Have you ever seen a blind person reading braille in public? Neither have they
If you're offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I'm not saying you're fat, but you should consider having CPR instructions tattooed on your chest.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : "He said, stupidly."
I came home to my girlfriend packing her bags. What are you doing? -I'm leaving you. I heard you're a pedophile! That's a pretty big word for a seven year old.
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One? Or two? One? .... Or two?
Have you ever smelled Moth Balls? How'd you get their little legs apart?
Cat 1: Are the humans asleep? Cat 2: It appears so. Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.
I have failed math eleventeen times or so.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he'll devour the entire carcass HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Argon walks into a bar... The barman says "Get the hell out!" Argon doesn't react.
What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip? Recalculating route.
I slept with a girl who was so fat I had to roll her around in flour to find the wet spot
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on] WHATS UP LADIES *takes off sunglasses* damn it 3rd treadmill I've hit on this week
If im walking around with my arms crossed, there's a 90% chance im not mad...Im just probably not wearing a bra
Me: I just souped up my car Person: What kind of engine did you put in it? *cut to me filling my car with tomato soup* Me: Um... A fast one.
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar... ...well it could happen.
My favorite thing about Germany the children are kinder
Can we stop calling it 'Breaking news' and start calling it 'bloody hell what now'
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
What do you call one chickpeas smashing another? Hummuscide... *italics* gentleman bows
What do you call a gay Jew? A he-blew.
I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
I'm not playing hard to get. I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Two muffins are in an oven One says to the other "Man, it sure is hot in here" The other replies "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
What is the best way to watch the "Saw" films? In bits and pieces.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. Although the doctor says I am okay, I still feel like I dyed a little inside.
How do you kill a hipster? Drown them in the main stream.
I watched a bunch of people build a ship... It was riveting.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Remake of Last tango in Paris butter scene What would the actress played by Maria Schneider say to Marlon Brando in the new version of famous butter scene: I can't believe it's not BUTTer !
Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.
The surprise in the Cracker Jacks box is Diabetes.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... ...is one of Donald Trumps more offensive slogans.
The Unemployed Engineer
There's no wrong way to eat a Reeses Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear
do you know the difference between a carrot and a fork? If you don't you should be more careful when you eat!
THE GREATEST JOKE OF ALL TIME YOU...
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels* *grabs whip* *flicks whip* *searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
A ginger wanted to join the Jazz band... But he didn't have enough soul.
They say all (hot) dogs go to heaven. Does that mean all burgers end up in burgertory?
Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)
What's a knife's favorite dessert? Slice cream.
Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I'm worried my car is high.
A chemistry lab is like a rave some drop acid and some drop base.
Why did Hillary Clinton cross the road? (probably offensive) 9/11
Weather channel: It's going to get up into the mid-30's this afternoon but it'll still feel like it's in the teens. Me: Literally me.
Dumb blondes Why does a dumb blonde have a deep bellybutton? They probably have dumb boyfriends too !
I heard you can eat animals only if you're tall and handsome. This is a pussy joke.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80s bands... Apparently there's no Cure.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out? *unfollows *blocks *stews *hires assassin on Craigslist *unblocks to monitor situation
After cribbing about yet another one of my Pranks, I told my girlfriend that she "Can't take a Joke" "I let u put your cock in me don't I"  she replied.
A black man, a lawyer, an illegal immigrant, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar The bartender asks: "What will it be, Mr. President?"
Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames? Because you never get a goodbuy from them
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
what is the cruelest joke of all? Your Life.
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.
What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated Milk.
Why can't Rabbit tell Winnie the Pooh to stop eating honey on Tumblr? Because he may get Tiggered
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? Christopher Reeves in a house fire.
I knew a guy who was into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality... But he gave it up cause at the end of the day, he was just beating a dead horse.
What's Ted Cruz's favorite food? Boogers. This isn't a joke. Ted Cruz eats his boogers.
Do you know why computer parts are not expensive? Because they are micro-cheap.
Q: What kind of pizza do pilots like? A: Plain.
Me: Speak. C'mon, boy, speak. Dog: No, I'm mad at you.
Why did reddit's admins go back to school? because they can't spell "read it".
funny My uncle was a racist piano player, all his work sounded awful because he skipped all the black keys.
I'm married to a nut I guess you could say I'm fucking nuts.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Did you hear about the sarcastic washing machine? It takes the piss out of your knickers.
Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.
Finally, after years of waiting, my book on having sex with herbs has been published. Its about fucking thyme.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Air &amp; Sex Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
In an alternate universe, humans with an extra cromossome are gods, each responsible for a physical property. It has been this way since the Down of time.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama.... Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Anyone who gives me flowers makes my whole day. Anyone who gives me anal makes my whole week.
Why did America remove the "u" from color? Because fuck u that's why
Did you know that no Pokemon is born racist, they have to be taught that [whispers to Pikachu] grass types are lazy
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeves
My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
My New Year's resolution is to cut back on my drinking... One fifth a day, max.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.' What the make love is she talking about?
Two cannibals are eating a clown One says to the other, does this taste funny to you?
Happy Friday the Thirteenth I think it's bad luck to be superstitious
What do you call a scale that always resets itself to zero? Tareable
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are But I laugh more.
I like my women like i like my steak. Raw
I bet the first thing that happens after you die is you get charged some sort of fee.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
69% People can find something dirty in every sentence. And you are in those 69% :D
Why don't pencils and graph paper get along? Because they're made out of graphite
I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but I don't know how they get in there.
It isn't a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
What kind of pants do the Super Mario Bros. wear? Denim denim denim..... I'll see myself out.
Why I dislike this sub: There's not enough cheese and bacon on it. I think I'll go to a different place for lunch next time.
Knock Knock Who's there Boo!! Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke
A Jew walks into a bar Mitzvah
About to start a new job as a pizza delivery driver, any tips?
Why couldn't the cup of tea climb flight of stairs? Because it was too steep.
I like my women like I like my psychiatrists... Jung.
What do you call a midget psychic running from the cops? A small medium at large!
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve.
How did the Hispanic secret agent introduce himself? Bondo. Jaime Bondo.
Did you hear about the shoe store that was looted during the Ferguson riots ? They took all the sneakers in the store but left all the work boots.
My GF's anti aging cream went bad. HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My first language is condescension. You wouldn't understand it.
My boss fired me today for accidentally deleting over 1000MB of important files He told me I lost the gig...
I tried to keep this fart a secret.. but the news got out.. I guess it leaked.
You might as well call me New Year's Resolution... Because no one's going to do me
They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
2 cannibals are eating a clown... "....does this taste funny to you?"
"So I was on a spaceship, and you were there, but it was not you, you know? Anyways..." - MLK's less important dream
Marriage: I gave sex up for this?
What did one tonsil say to the other? Get dressed, the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Getting pretty tired of having to add my own sugar and calories to my diet coke...
You realize that Islam is a religion of peace right?? There's a piece of you here, a piece of you over here, another piece over there..
I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old
[family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Where did mary go after the explosion? Everywhere...
What did the jungle cat say to the comedian in a packed laugh house? "Stop making me laugh, you are going to make me puma pants".
Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...
What if Hitler was cast for 'The Matrix' instead of Keanu Reeves? The movie would have been pretty... Neo-Nazi.
Fresh Limerick There once was a lad from West Philly Who played basketball and got silly He fought with some brothers Which worried his mother Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Why do gorillas have such big fingers? Because they have such big nostrils.
Two eggs and a strip of bacon walk into a bar The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry - we don't serve breakfast here."
Yo Mama So Poor.... She can't afford to fly off the handle, when she gets mad, she has to greyhound off the handle.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Every tweet ever tweeted begins with an implied "None of y'all asked my opinion, but ..."
the greatest joke of all time. my life
Hypnotist Error
Why is six afraid lf seven? Because seven just came back from a trip to West Africa.
Stranger: "Excuse me where is the nearest..." Me: "GOOGLE IT!"
What did the nutrionist say to the zombies as they were breaking down the doors of a hospital in West Hollywood? "Don't forget to eat your gays and invalids."
Why did the tomato blush? Because it seen the Salad dressing ( I'll see myself out)
A lot of you are calling me "mom" lately. Is it cause I'm old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it's cause I'm old.
An iPhone user walks into... [x-post r/funny] a bar, a hotel, a field. He's not too sure
Your mommas so fat That when she posted to /r/gonewild they renamed the sub /r/earthporn
I'm selling a parachute  just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
Hillary and Trump are on a sinking boat, who survives? America.
A wise man once said cheez doodles were better than cheetos, but his opinion was biased.
*popular kid is struggling in class *gets a tutor to help *Kool-Aid
Girl, you can call me RNA II Polymerase ... ...cuz I'm gonna unzip your genes
A father takes a deep breath and says "Son, I think it's time you and I talk about sex." His son took a deep breath as well "Sure dad, what do you want to know about it?"
What do you call a homosexual, Russian, knight? Sir Gay (Serge)
What's the definition of gross? Two vampires fighting over a used tampon
A bot walks into a sub and orders a rum and coke... [Removed]
where do queers download their illegal software from pirategay
your future
Women who seek to be equal to men...LACK AMBITION!
I started playing a new drinking game recently, Every time I am depressed I take a drink. That game is called alcoholism.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Cannibal: Mom mom I've been eating a missionary and I feel sick ! Mom: Well you know what they say - you can't keep a good man down !
What kind of yogurt does a skeleton eat? Actibia.
What do you call the score keeper at a jihadi football game? The Taliman.
What did the boy scout do that the jewish boy couldn't Come home from camp
I went hardcore camping last weekend. Let's just say, it was intense.
I am giving up eating red meats. I'm going cold turkey.
What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish
I'm going to go on a Brexit diet The pounds will drop fast.
"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." - People who don't get how definitions work.
Joke of The Day Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Please, do not let Kevin Bacon die. Source: The Bluegrass Grill and Bakery in Charlottesville, VA.
"At some point" is my favorite time to meet up with people.
Deuteronomy Believe it or not - it isn't the field of study of deuterium.
Yesterday I accidentaly came on my girlfriends earring... Now she has hearing-aids!
What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for School?! Bison
They say history is written by the winners... But actually, history is written by historians and most of them are losers.
What do you call a hypochondriac dinosaur? Tri-serepax.
Don't think I know half of my FB friends....Who the heck are you people?
Shortest joke in the world An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...could happen.
Broken puppets for sale... No strings attached.
What do you call someone who smokes two joints? Double jointed.
i just found that children's tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol...
I hate when I'm in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Why doesn't Superman need a boss? (OC) He already has supervision.
Have you guys heard the joke about the broken pencil? Never mind, there's no point.
A man walks in his bedroom with a pig... under his arm. He says: "I fucked this she-swine for 10 years" His wife, shocked, yells: "What?" The man replies: "Shut up, I was talking to the pig."
A man is donating at his local sperm bank, right as he finishes the doctor walks in.... covers his eyes, and says dont worry I didnt see nuttin
Why does an actor enjoy his work so much? Because it's all play.
How does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? ... Eats his first Brownie!
9 Clowns in an elevator, one of them silently farts. One leans over to another and wispers..."You smell something funny?".
Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.
What did one sea say to the other sea? Nothing, they just waved.
How do you kill a bear without a weapon? With your bare hands.
How much do cosmetics sell for? Face value.
What's the worst present you could give a black person? Cotton Scented Hand Lotion
A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning.... he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!"
I went to the shop to buy 6 Sprites... I accidentally picked 7 up!
Her: "Will you still love me if you win 1 million dollars at the lottery?" Him: "Of course, baby! But I will miss you..."
Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, then turn it to the left. Repeat this every time you are offered something to eat.
So we're basically living the plot of "Contagion," but instead of dying girls keep getting bangs.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Why do spiders hate Area 51? It's a no-fly zone.
What do geeks and nerds love but cant have? 80085
What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph, because they're too short to be an ese
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you're wrong they'll think you're joking and if you're right they'll feel dumb.
Purell is 99.8% effective in reminding you about your paper cut.
Why does ACDC prefer Android to Apple? She's Got The Jack
what did yoda say to a golfer May the course be with you
I used to have a real thing for posh spice.... It cost my mum a fortune in saffron.
Being a man of many flavors. I survived mustard gas and pepper spray, yesterday I was honored a seasoned veteran.
I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy - Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Today I had an allergic reaction to a peanut... **This title contains content from FINE BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT who has it blocked on copyright grounds.**
My love life is like magic... Because it dosen't exist
Mad bunny What is the difference between an angry rabbit and a counterfeit dollar bill? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
Throw away the outside, cook the inside. Eat the outside, throw away the inside. What is it? [riddle] Cut on red needles, only nine trees heave empty crackers on bulls. [best of luck]
What 3 candies do you find in school? Redhots, DumDums, and smarties.
What's a cheese's favorite kind of drug? Amfetamines
what does the Bible say about faking your own death to get out of jury duty
After spending 45 minutes eavesdropping on a crazy girl giving advice to another crazy girl, I really don't know how we're  not extinct yet.
Reason why white people are afraid of being a minority. They know how minorities are treated in their country
What the difference between Australia and a glass of milk? Leave the glass of milk alone long enough and it'll develop a culture.
My mate got busted stealing a calendar the other day. He got 12 months.
Friends and family are like butt cheeks... Shit seperates them but, they always come back together in the end.
My son asked if masturbating made you blind. Depends on where you're aiming.
Q: Chief Running Water had two sons. What were their names? A: Hot and Cold.
Does AT&T; allow phone calls on their network? Anyone know?
What's the difference between batman and a black person? Batman can go to the store without robin'
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
What did the comedian say to the girl who looked like a virgin? "You have untapped potential"
I time-travel quite frequently, ... I'd go to bed around midnight, and in few seconds I'd wake up to, lo and behold, 9 AM.
What do you call a bunch of white guys in a burning building? Fire Crackers.
What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson
I think what I did to get away from that spider could qualify as parkour.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name.
What did the chopped wood say to the tree? Run!
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you'll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to "sit".
Did you know that papa johns was delivering to the twin towers on nine eleven? The order was for two large planes!
"What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?" "An octopus?" "No Jeff, the answer is my wife's 4 divorce attorneys"
Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
What do you get if you push a piano out of a plane over a military base? A flat major
Why did all the native people move out East? Because there is no work out there.
A lion offspring asked his dad "What is a world series?" "I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub"
How do you convince America to join a war? Tell them its almost over
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What happens when you cross an American and a polar bear. Same as before, lazy and fat.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he's on a date so he's going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
What has eight arms and tells the time? A clocktopus Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You are too young to smoke."
How do you know your sister's on her period? Your dad's cock tastes like blood.
I used to love going to dinner parties as a little girl My wife hated it though.
I don't think I could ever do a threesome. I can't even satisfy one girl, let alone a girl and a guy.
Y'know, I used to be quite indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
As a kid, I didn't want to get caught misbehaving by my parents. Now I'm a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I don't like holocaust jokes. Anne Frankly you shouldn't either.
What's dirtier then fingering your sister? Finding your dad's wedding ring.
My favorite part of deleting your history... ...is when you can still go to the previous page.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
There's that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell... Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?
When I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbers over the globe thing until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request.
First grade teacher asks student what the plural of horse is "Pregnant whores?"
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It's the most important meal.
[arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE
Complicated I was playing a game the other day with a storyline that made spaghetti look like a straight line
Why don't women like to wear dresses in the winter? Chapped lips
What's the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates
Kill two birds with one stone. Kill two birds with two stones. Kill as many birds with as many stones as you want. We must eradicate birds.
Marijuana may cause paranoia but so does watching CNN.
I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
What do you call Mussolini's flying saucer? A dictator ship.
A friend if mine asked me what will I do tomorrow... I told him I have to go on HIV test and then he replied, Oh shit... I am sure you can do it... stay positive!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
so a law school student walks into a bar- -exam and walks out a lawyer! good job I'm so proud of him.
20 Years Ago... 20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. And now, we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
"Not again" ~ Me, waking up every morning..
World's shortest mathematical joke Let   0
I've got a new job putting make-up on turds It's pretty shit.
Church is so annoying.. Your either on your knees or standing up. I wish the priest would just find a position to fuck me.
Why couldn't the traffic light get a date? She was wearing no turn on red. :|
What does a dyslexic agnostic wonder about? Is there a dog?
I've got a runny nose. edit: thanks for the cold!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Lobsters gonna lobst.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one who had a dream.
If your playing the guitar just remember one thing Dont finger a minor you could get arrested for that.
It took Michelle Obama two presidencies to get kids outside... and Nintendo two days.
Going down on your cousin is like N/A beer.... Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't fucking right.
What's the difference between your bonus, and your penis ? Your wife will always blow your bonus!
I hate Simpsons posts! Because I am a family guy.
I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and put in a freezer
I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said "thanks!" I said "don't mention it."
how did the female half of the interracial couple open up the discussion about her swinging fantasy? Cracker wanna poly?
What do you call a short psychic who's escaped from rehab? A small medium at large.
What does going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get the meaty bit.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being raped by a giant scorpion.
If our feet had mouths then they'd be walkie talkies.
There were two guys fishing... Suddenly a hedgehog passes by and asks them: -"Hey guys do you have any glue"? They answer no and he leaves. Ten minutes later he comes back. -"I brought some"
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
"Update your Adobe or you'll be sleeping with the fishes" - Flash mob
What comes after a 69?
When I was a kid my mom told me I could become whatever I wanted So I became a disappointment
When is a lion not a lion ? When he turns into his cage !
I can't be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
What's the difference between my erection and my motorcycle? My wife actually looks forward to riding the motorcycle.
me: hi sloth: HELL!!!! me: ..umm [walks away] sloth: ..oh :(
A man walks up to a woman [NSFW] And he asks the woman If he can pet her pussy. The woman says sure but you'll have to hold My cat.
My friend has a real bad drug habit Its so bad i found him snorting shake and vac off my carpet last night.............he is clean now.
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus stop? One is a busty crustacean, the other is a crusty bus station.
Sometimes pretending to be busy takes more effort than being busy.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I'm pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
The best way to run into that hot person you've been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Why did the hipster dislike physics? Cause the system is broke, yo.
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands? SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
Groot asks a man for help, the man says... "Hodor".
Villains: Just leave the city where the super hero is. Problem solved.
How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group? They cut a head
Rape Baby A guy goes to job interview. His employer asks how his parents met. He says he is a rape baby. The boss asks if he mom is Christen. The guy asks how do you know?
I don't understand why whiteboards don't get more recognition.. If you think about, they truly are re-markable!
I feel like I forgot something today... ...shit, *the oven!*
Did you hear about the kidnapping in New York? Nevermind he woke up!
A priest and a rabbi Are walking past a school, the priest says to the rabbi hey want to screw a little boy and the rabbi says to the priest screw him out of what?!
Do you remember the "Hold a coke with your boobs" challenge ? It was a trend a while back to promote awareness for breast cancer. I'm just glad a similar stunt wasn't pulled for prostate cancer.
Whats the difference between a bug and your mothers vagina? Bear Grylls would eat that bug.
Porsche did 911
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
What's a feminist's favorite subject? Trigger-nometry
"i'd do anthony for you" - worst autocorrect fail by me
I kept reading a book about Gawker... But every page kept going back to Chapter 11
"That's so Raven" - Raven Symone's parents identify her body.
If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos? Because scissoring just doesn't cut it.
Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak
I'd like to plant a grove of trees to remember loved ones who've passed on. But everyone gets weird whenever I talk about my mourning wood.
tifu by posting to the wrong subreddit...
The Browns asked if they could put a pokestop inside the stadium... in hopes that people would attend their games.
A missing joke If found please pm me.
What's 9+10? 21 pairs of Deez Nuts
A wizard walks into a gay bar and disappears with a poof.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Frank Sinatra! Frank Sinatra who? Seriously?
A grasshopper walks into a bar....... And the bar staff said to the grasshopper " theres a drink named after you " The Grasshopper replied " theres a drink called bob?! "
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it'll be dinner time.
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Kurt Cobain? Hitler had a reason to kill himself.
What do you call it when a Greek handicap falls over? Olympus has fallen.
I threw a party for all my non-orgasmic friends Nobody came.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that would only go "tick tick tick?" Vee have vays of making you tock!
Officer: "didn't you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?" Me: "yes I did officer. But this isn't my car"
During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.
What's the longest word in the English language? A native Texan saying, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt."
"Hey Fred" Yeah Barney? "The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band" Yeah but ABBA do!
Date: I like old-fashioned guys Me: *dies of polio*
When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write." I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"
Life; It's all about finding the next good time.
What is 667? The neighbor of the beast.
What's better than honor? Inner
Heads up guys, if you ask your wife how to spell menage a trois she's gonna want to know why.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My bologna has a first name... ... it's m-o-o-n.
Do not hit a woman... Do not hit a woman. Cause after all the shit, you need someone to make you a sandwich.
What's gray and comes in quarts? An elephant.
Customer: Waiter this food is repeating on me. Waiter: Good we love repeat business.
Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar? Because they're easier to get at the ballpark.
How do Asian's name their children? Throw a frying pan down the stairs and listen to the sounds. *Ting tong tow*
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I'm not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
I haven't showered since last year. It's still 2014, right?
I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together... It was very confusing.
Don't you hate it when there's a really interesting topic and someone starts writing and [deleted]
What did the doctor say to the Fonz when he got sick? You need to take your vitamin Ayy.
[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian 1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian" Dad; "Oh okay!" 2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..." Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?" Son: "I do."
What do a pimp and a cowboy have in common? They both know how to throw a hoedown. Not my joke, just passing it on.
A man was arrested for marrying two ugly women... He was charged with pigamy.
Why aren't midgets attention whores? Cause they know they're important.
Culturally no one in alaska dates in the winter. When asked why, one alaskan replied, "We try, but its hard to break the ice."
[Me]: "I have hat-like reflexes" [You]: Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? [Me]: *sitting on top of your head* "Nope"
Where does poor spaghetti live? The spaghetto
So the other day I was throat fucking a black chick She said "I can't breathe!" I said "Honey, lets not make this political."
Pigs CAN fly... They just gotta pay for two seats.
Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. So I live like a newborn, sleepy and confused.
Yeah, you like getting choked don't you!? oops wrong sub...
What did 0 say to 1? You're turning me on
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we'd even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day. Note to self, stop saying that pickup lines to the girls in wheelchairs.
The Duggar family just announced the name of the newest addition to the family! Joe-Mo Lester
I always let my phone ring 2 1/2 times before sending it to voicemail so the person calling knows exactly who's in control here.
Have you heard about those guys at ISIS? They're on fire!
Whoa I'm floating! Am I...dead? "No it's a dream" What a relief! Wait. Who said that? Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit Uh nobody go back to sleep
The Lord said to John, "Come forth and receive Eternal Life"... But John came fifth and won a toaster.
PWND! FIRST!!
What did the Atlantic Ocean and Pacific Ocean say to each other? Nothing, they just waved.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prince!
People want to know if the Vice President will be running in 2016 He might, but for now he's just Biden his time.
I have sex daily. I mean, dyslexia! Fcuk
My grandma can't wrestle But you should see her box.
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe.
What did Jesus say to all the Indians before he left Don't do anything until I get back.
Donald Trump is raping the republican party unlike the female body, the GOP has no power to shut it down.
Your girlfriend is 41?!?! she could be your mother! but she isn't... She's yours.
Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
There are three types of people in the world. Those that are good at math and those that are not.
Vegans are confusing people. If they care about animals so much, why do they eat all of their food?
I run faster horny than you do scared.
asians are amazing at reddit think about it, it's basically just dance dance revolution but with only two buttons
Why do Congressmen make terrible cashiers? They're all too afraid of change.
My Japanese dentist became a woman. He's a trans zen dentalist.
What is dark, invades you in your sleep, and starts with N-I-G? Nightmares you racist.
I farted in front of a Jewish friend He got offended but i said " c'mon a little gas never killed anybody"
when I grow up I want to be the guy who wears a puffy suit and gets attacked by police dogs
I work at a furniture store. My boss asked me to label and price all the new items. I said, "Hey boss. How do you want me to label this stone armchair?" He said, "No man, clay chair."
I just had a baby! It was delicious.
If your victim freaks out when you pull a knife, politely sheath your blade and change the subject.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked.
I'm not saying my ex wasn't pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
a guy walks into a bar.. ouch*
What do you call a security guard in a jumping castle? A Bouncer
Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
The inventor of the Orgy has died today. Everyone is coming together for his funeral.
How many Star Trek captains does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but there are FOUR LIGHTS!
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
"Seriously, is that what I look like?" - robot watching a guy 'doing the robot'
Two days ago: omg, I'm so glad I found my watch, I'll never misplace it again! Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"
I was in McDonald's today.. I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?" "Fuck off" came the reply as he quickly zipped his up jeans and walked away from the urinal.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
Q: What did the nurse say to John Cena? A: ICU.
5 out of 4 people don't get jokes about fractions.
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight... What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
My wife: Are you ever going to stop quoting "Gangstas Paradise"? Me: The way things are going I don't know
Chivalry Is Dead They said chivalry is dead so I wanted to prove them wrong. I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "Asshole, I'm peeing in here!"
I dropped my phone in the toilet, so I put it in a bowl of rice, and waited for the Asians to come and fix it.
A feminist one asked me "What's your view on Lesbians"? I said "1080p"
Hey, remember when Dick Cheney told Sen. Leahy to go fuck himself? Yea, just wanted to refresh your mind.
Why did the vegetables invite the mushroom to their party? They heard he was a fungi
I asked my buddy if he wanted me to feed his dog real quick before we left He said back to me, "Nah, fuck it." I don't know why he tried kicking my ass, I was just doing what he said.
Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair and not the feet? Because if they drug them by the feet the would have filled with dirt.
Have you heard the joke about Oprah's new line at Starbucks? It's a warm, comforting, medium-dark roast.
Mom: I think I'm gonna make a twitter Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year... Mom: That's expensive I'll stick with Facebook Me: Aww too bad
Man, all the girls I saw today were so hot ...because it was 90 degrees out.
Which insect didn't play well in goal? The fumble bee!
When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it...
Why did the dinosaur eat the baby??? It didn't. Humans did not appear until after the extinction of dinosaurs.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
why didnt the butcher win the election someone found out about his pork-barrel spending
I got banned from /r/ELI5 the other day I don't understand why
Promoting religious concepts is a sin
Love songs are liars.
Why don't dinosaurs take ballet lessons? They outgrew their leotards.
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ? Because he likes to hoe hoe hoe
When does every cat want to be fed? Right fucking meow
What's a sucker's favorite drink? Punch
What do you call a joke that includes a pun about weed? [OC] High humor
What do you call a fresh creme pie? Creme fraiche
What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? [x-post from r/bicycling] Attire
A month before my grandfather died we decided to cover his back in lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
Did you know those round bales of hay you still see in fields were outlawed? Yep. The cows weren't getting a square meal. **Great road trip jokenever gets old* ^(to ^me)
What do you call a small wardrobe? A battledrobe.
What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root beer.
Teacher asks to name 3 great kings Student raises hand and replies fucking, smoking, drinking
Why do Mexicans hate cooking pasta? When they boil the water, they always have to add that *pinche* salt.
There's a joke to be made about Niantic removing the step feature in Pokemon go instead of fixing the bug. But I just can't seem to find it.
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Roses are red. My name is not Dave. This poem makes no sense. Microwave.
I went up to a sexy girl in a bar. I said, "Would you like to come back to my place?" "I think you should ask my boyfriend first." she smiled. I said, "No thanks. I'm not gay."
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."...... Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
What's the most popular sport in Mexico? Cross-country.
him: who is your fantasy? me: huh? him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with? me: the elevator repair man.
Me: But I'm sweaty, I'm anxious, my heart rate is up Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I've had to tell you I can't treat being offended online
Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Wittness? They don't like any witnesses.
Why are Trump supporters *not* Nazis? When Nazis demanded your papers, they said "please."
On our third date, my girlfriend told me that she was bisexual. I broke it off with her because I definitely need sex more than every two weeks.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.... Instead of commenting on reddit about how many times a joke has been posted.
I think my Pokemon Go is broken, I held up the camera but all I caught was cops killing black folk
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
I say "parched" so everyone knows I'm thirsty AND an asshole.
A man using the new Apple maps walks into a bar... ... or maybe a hotel. or possibly a church.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
The Walking Dead is Jesus's favorite show.
My mother doesn't believe the dough will rise in the oven. She'll believe when she sees the proof.
What do you get when you mix acids and bases together? Rape.
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy woman who's on her period? You get your palm red for free.
What did the bathtub say to the toilet? I get a lot of ass but I don't take no shit
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEYYYYYEEEEE!!!!!
That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to "single" and your ex likes it.
The fact that people use the wrong "your," "there," "it's" and "its" yet spell "Bieber" correctly just kills me.
What do you call someone who keeps trying to catch your interest even though you already said you're not interested several times? Windows 10.
[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid] Me: "Hell yeah" Friend: "Hell yeah" Pizza: "Oh hell yeah"
No joke, I'm in India This is no joke, I took a long light to India after a long time. I see so many lines, long lines of cars and buses, lines for shopping. etc. No punchline.
My sex life is like 9/11... ...It happened a while ago, and it could happen again any day now, but men and women around the world are doing their best to prevent it from ever happening again.
What's a transgender's fabourite pokemon? Unknown
How do I make my penis 12 inches long? By folding it in half.
Why was the cake lonely? Because he was deserted by his friends
In a surprise move, Taco Bell is acquiring Taco Bueno... It's a hostile tacover.
Why is leather armor the best for sneaking? Because it's made of hide
My internet connection.
Why did the recruiters at the teacher's college have so much sex? They were good at getting people into BEd.
Why did the raisin go out with a prune? He couldn't get a date!
If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.
Two envelopes had a baby It was male
HERE'S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU'LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS. - Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how i feel about that.
what You Call That 'THING'. After two hours of row, some big oaths,search of your wallet,mobile phone checking,and negative comments you can not make one 'THING' satisfied and thats called 'WIFE'.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?
At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks This joke brought to you by my ten year old son
Vets aren't doctors: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help? Mom: My son broke his leg! Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief: - denial - anger - strong language - moderate violence - a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Did you hear about the Polack that crashed a helicopter? He was getting cold, so he turned off the fan
A Joke for all the Arabic speakers out there Why did the Saudi restaurant get in trouble? They put the Umm Ali next to the Baba Ghanoush.
What do you call your Mexican crush? Juan Andonle
Why does Bane and a monk get along well in the morning? Because the friar rises!
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to fix the bulb and one to hold the penis. edit: LADDER I MEANT LADDER
Kids: haha you have to work and we don't have school today Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!
How many SJWs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.
Maybe the back door is the wrong door. -Hillary Clinton
8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues. To the other two.... Hi, I'm MJ
Best advice for men about women Never try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
why does everyone want the new white iphone? don't they know the black one runs faster?
Who always gets to the LGBT rally the fastest? The lesbians, because they leave lickety-split. Meanwhile, the gay guys are still packing their shit.
I've had a slight accident with your sleigh Father Christmas! Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in mint condition! That's all right....now it's a mint with a hole!
I was gonna make a chemistry joke... But all the good ones Argon.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide? Because it's too cold outtide
A woman enters a bar and orders a double entendre So the bartender gives it to her!
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer per year. That's 41 miles per gallon...which is not bad.
Some parents count to 10 to get their kids to behave. I use a similar technique where I string out crime scene tape and fire up a chainsaw.
I'm a real Renaissance Woman (riddled with plague)
I saw a black man running down the street with a TV I was concerned that it was mine so I quickly drove home, as I got home I was relieved to see that mine was cleaning my shoes on the front porch
At my funeral I'm going to have a Sharpie chained to the coffin so friends can draw one last dick on my face.
A friend asked if I thought there was alien life on other planets and I was like don't give up hope, there's someone out there for you
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My girlfriend is due tomorrow ...however, I have to wait 18 years before I can date her
What do you call a Serbian national hero? a war criminal
My friend asked me why scuba divers always fall backwards into the water... I told him if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.
A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Don't enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"
Movie theater employees have 2 ages: 17 104
Life is like a box of chocolate... ... it doesn't last long for fat people.
What kind of money do fishermen make ?  Net profits !
Why didn't Mark Watney get any pussy on Mars? Curiosity killed the cat
I hear the new Supreme Court ruling over gay marriage has really got a lot of people butt hurt
Did you know the government can drug test our water supply?! That's why I never piss near a toilet. Instead - I piss on your mom. Shes by the trash.... (not the toilet)
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook... They wanted books but instead they got magazines
Did you hear about Tom Brady going to the whore house? He needed to deflate his balls
I only date Chinese women... They are used to seeing tons of red flags
So Dolly Parton bought the supermarket franchises Big Lots, Harris Teeters, and Piggly Wiggly... She's calling it Big Wiggly Teeters.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
What does the closed sign at a brothel say? Beat it, we're closed.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I'll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Merry Christmas. Did anyone get a car with a giant ribbon on top? Has anyone ever? Do those ribbons even exist?
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
What do you call a sick bird who has crossed a national border without consent? An ILL-EAGLE! 2X COMBO
Learning-disabled lions are called leotards, right? Anyway, when dancers ask you to drop off old ones for needy kids, DON'T! So much blood.
What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks? DINO-MITE!
Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afganistan? Because there's a target on every corner.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I'm... lacktoes intolerant *opens another beer*
How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her
What do you call friendship between punctuation? Commaraderie
Did you hear that computer scientists have designed and built the perfect tennis player? He's a big server.
Why can you not hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.
Senate Republicans cancelled the vote on abortion restrictions. Does this mean they're going to try Plan B?
I was addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around
I was watching a porno I was watching a porn film earlier, was just a sad fat bloke masturbating and weeping.....then I realized I hadn't turned the tv on :(
Sometimes it's fun to randomly shout, "Hey, asshole!" in a crowd, just to see who turns around.
Which villain did Batman face when he suffered a fatal masturbation accident? Deathstroke.
Found a jelly bean in my skittles like a surprise gift from the Diabetes Fairy.
What do you call a Whore that was shot by a sniper? 360 hoscope
What is Imperator Furiosa's least favorite type of ice cream? Rocky Road.
I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.
Do you know why the Cybermen are the best Doctor Who characters? [deleted]
How can Penn State fix their problem Rebrand themselves as the Catholic church.
I had a bukkake party last night. It was a disaster. Nobody came. Edit: Wow! While I was gone this really...exploded.
John is swinging Lisa around with a period of 0.5 revolutions per second. What happens when the period is increased? John Unexpectedly paints his walls red.
Excuses are like assholes... Fuck 'em
The doctor had to remove my fungal infection. It's a shame. It was really starting to grow on me.
Where do electricians get supplies? The Ohm Depot.
BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy - planets only. PLUTO: I'm on the list. BOUNCER: Nope. *Jurassic World walks in* PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.
What do you call a tranny mailman? She-mail
You let your eyes unfocus. The entire page coalesces into a cheery, bespectacled face. Waldo is the entire crowd scene. We are all Waldo.
His many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? ............ Ten Tickles........
I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
"the uk couldn't POSSIBLY leave" "trump couldn't POSSIBLY be president" "we couldn't POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity"
Two peanuts were walking down the street. And one was As-salted.
How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?
If a woman ever charges you with a knife in the kitchen, remain calm and open the fridge. Take out mayonnaise, cheese, and ham. Natural instincts will kick in and she will make you a sandwich instead.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he will eat for a week.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre!
So I called up the Captain, please bring me my wine. He said: "ma'am, this is a cruise. Please don't call me again if there's no emergency"
Where do muslims go when they die? Everywhere.
My wife says I have a drinking problem.. I don't remember ever getting blackout drunk though.
Why do orphans play tennis? It's the only way they can get love.
-Where is your wife ? -In the garden. -But I don't see her. -Oh, you just have to dig a little.
What do you get when you cross a drinking vessel filled with soda with a smoked meat product? Cupicola! ... HAHAHAHAHAHSHAHAHA Hahaha ha I'll see myself out
No one gave an f about his chicken when he was Lieutenant Sanders
I knew she'd come crawling to me.. I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair
What do you call Batman when he leaves church early? Christian Bale.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter. All they do is complain that the lightbulb won't screw them
What do you do when a woman serves you bad sushi? Sue she
I'm a cop and I got caught choking the chicken in public I was revoked of my badge and sentenced to three years jail time. The chicken filed a civil rights suit and received 3 million in reparations
I love taking long walks on the beach with my girlfriend.... Until the acid wears off and I realize I am just dragging a mannequin through the parking garage.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer--I don't have any.
What do you call it, when a German sleeps with two women, but impregnates three? Fucking efficient.
Why was William Henry Harrison's inaugural address so memorable? He had a killer final draft.
Scientists have discovered that mothers are the driving force behind their children. Because Force = ma.
What do you call a laptop in the ocean? A Dell, rolling in the deep.
What happens when a guy with no legs dies? He punches the bucket
Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER
How does a rock star feel when he nails a groupie? Fan-fucking-tastic!
After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.
Why can't an egg ever be in charge? Because they crack under pressure.
What do you call a masturbation session that ensued while doing maths? Numberwank.
I started volunteering with children today. Should I use anti-bacterial hand gel, or is spraying them in the face with Lysol enough?
Want to hear a joke? Pussy.
I bet in hell you have to sleep in a hot bedroom with a pillow that never has a cool side.
I spent last night defrosting the fridge. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
A doe walks out of the woods.... A doe walks out of the woods, shakes herself off and says, "Well. I'll never do THAT for two bucks again.".
A homeless guy outside played the Braveheart theme on a recorder. Pretty awesome. Not as awesome as having a house, but still, AWESOME.
"It's time to turn over a new leaf." - Adam & Eve on laundry day
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until you're 12 to come on your face. I'll see myself out now
They called their son Honest Abe, because his father was honest. They called their daughter Bloody Mary...
BEST YOUR MUM JOKE Knock Knock Whos there? Your mum Your mum who? Your mum is a greedy mogul ;) ahahaha im so funny m8
I didn't like Age of Ultron You don't even figure out how old he is.
My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.
A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.
You know, I think Hitler was misunderstood. He didn't want to gas the Jews, he wanted a glass of juice.
A Riddle: What's the only hole that I can't put my dick in? Answer: A donut hole!
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms
I will convert to your religion if it makes this rash go away.
Do you know the best way to cook lamb? Well done ewe.
So they're coming out with a new $10 bill featuring a woman. But it's only worth $7.70.
Your parents didn't even want you... You would have been a blowjob if your mom had change for that $20.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh Ten-Tickles. ... I can't stop
What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it? A balloon animal!
Why don't you tell us what's really wrong, loud sneezers?
What is something that looks like an obese vagina, loves guns, is widely hated by the Europeans and can't take a joke? An Americunt.
ME: Don't you see, the treasure is our friendship PIRATE: ...Aye ME:  P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn't ya
I exercise religiously I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like 'The Shining' or 'Silence of the Lambs'
A programmer orders 0 drink from the bar. Only when his friend comes in and he orders for both does he get his drink.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of at tennis court? Annette!
A man calls his doctor late at night. "Doc! My arm got broke in two places! What should I do?!" The sleepy M.D replies, "Don't go back to either of them."
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because that's what you do when you are walking and you come upon a road, you cross it.
I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to
Give me my Money!! How do you make a Hormone-- Don't pay her!
Why do zoos pay for simian liability insurance? To avoid monkey suits
Why don't they have bars in Syria? Because, they prefer to get bombed at home.
How do you confuse a straight person? LGBTQ+
I'm sure Santa is black... He only works one day a year.
Why don't Dunkin' Donuts employees wear name tags? It wouldn't fit on their shirt.
I don't know why I just bought some coconut shampoo.... ...I don't even have any coconuts
Java programmers do it with... class.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
What did the two vegan strangers say to each other? Nothing. They didn't meat.
People were so scared of those vicious clowns a few months back, then they accidentally put one in office
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I'd own this place.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say "you've got mail". Pretty sure I've landed in 1998.
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
I was curious what happens after you die, so I asked an accountant. The accountant responded, "form 706".
A disgruntled bubble wrap factory worker could shoot 20 men and no one would turn their heads.
Wanna read a Joke? Women's Rights
My girlfriend is going to a rastafarian party and has asked me to do her hair. I'm dreading it.
i think it's about time we get honest with children about how they're bad at most things
I tried to read a book about illiteracy once Couldn't understand any of it
A toddler who refuses to take a nap... Is guilty of *resisting a rest*.
The USA tells North Korea they cannot act as dictators of the world That's basically it
I had a sudden, albeit extremely belated, realization about Jared from Subway His career ended the way it began: trying to get into smaller pants.
In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say "you throw like a girl".
Why weren't there any black guys in the flintstones? Because they were still monkeys.
What does a Muslim with allergies say? Al-achoo Akbar.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus
My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils... ...but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.
How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
I didn't like this marimba player very much... ...He just had bad vibes.
How do you use calculus in real life? You integrate it
Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a flasher revealed himself to them. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, and the third nun couldn't reach.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I invented a new word today... Plagiarism.
As I get older and continue to meet new people... I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I dont trust atoms... I heard they make up everything.
My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash
Trump is already making good on his promise for jobs. Who else would hire Three Doors Down?
What's the fastest way to get away from Hell? Piss off Satan's wife.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again
Jesus Christ, i can't believe you people are actually making jokes about using chloroform to rape someone. What the fuck is wrong with you? Just choke her.
What do you call your grandma on speed dial? Instragram!
If you're throwing babies out with your bathwater, I don't think parenting is for you.
*shaves 'I  Dogs' into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*
I'm not racist... Its true! I'm not racist at all! Infact, my best friend was black! Until my Dad sold him.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. I'll see myself out.
What did the Nihilist whisper into his lover's ear? Sweet Nothings.
Have you guys heard about the Indian coat check? His name was Mahatma Coat.
I was having sex with a 90 year old woman yesterday nsfw She stopped suddenly and shouted Quick call me an ambulance! I said, I'll call you whatever you want you kinky bitch.
Don't walk through a field of mushrooms It's quite a tripping hazard.
Scientists are now saying they may never discover what LinkedIn is for.
[wife walks in on me showering] "Why are you wearing swim trunks?" No reason. [she glares at me] SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON'T COME OFF OKAY
I really want to kill my roommate but I just dont know if I could live with myself.
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
What do you call a magical dwarf? A midgetcian!
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.
A guy came up to me in the street today... ...and asked me if I wanted to enter a raffle for cancer? I thought, "what a shit prize..."
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
When waitresses ask me what I want to drink I always say "just water for now." But I'm lying. Water is all I'm getting. I love water.
MAST JOKES:      NICE JOKES HERE http://mastjoks.blogspot.in/2013/01/blog-post_6225.html#.UQPwWr-kpkg
What's Hitler's least favorite planet? Jewpiter.
Her: Prove that you care about me Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers
A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife... She asks him what he's looking for. He replies, "oh just the expiration date!"
Two cryptographers walk into a bar No one knows what they are talking about.
My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
not one character on the show Friends had a job that was a joke, was broke, or had a love life that was DOA.
What do you call a dating service for lumberjacks? Timbr
Next time someone wants you to hold a baby, say "I'm so bad with live babies!"
Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes, but only if you're a billionaire.
Why do Jewish men get circumsized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance....... so I pushed her over.
Text your friends but leave voicemails for your enemies.
Want to hear a joke about potassium? K. I was gonna tell a joke about sodium but then I was like, Na.
Men, if you're looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there's WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the  kitchen.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i'll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but, I changed my mind.
Why is there a 100,000 oil limit in World of Warcraft Garrisons? Because anything more than that might cause an invasion by the United States of America!
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? [Click here to find out the answer.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2b57xv/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_busy_for_hours/)
Why do Americans spell it as 'color' and not 'colour'? Because fuck u that's why.
I don't know what a foliant is but woman sure love things that used to be them.
Why couldn't Mozart find his mentor? Because he was Haydn
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mutant Barbie ...Professor Xavier's daughter: bald as a billiard ball wearing a Dark Phoenix costume
I sprinkled viagra in my eyes today... Now I look hard.
What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? Parole.
Just been confronted by my next door neighbour, apparently there's been items going missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants!
What do they call an affair with a psychiatrist? A psychiatric tryst.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I'M IN A GANG NOW
she wants the D (director's cut)
I can't stop starting at the Mona Lisa... I think I'm in Louvre.
Finally looked up from my phone screen and noticed I'm being passed around by the crowd at a Blink 182 concert.
What's the difference between math and meth? One of them ruins your life. The other's just meth.
Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies? He used to keep it in his back pocket.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I like my girls like Shrek... Big boned and with an ass that talks back
Why doesn't anybody like feminist picnics? Because they never have any sandwiches.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his wife? Wipes his ass.
My TV thinks it's a kangaroo... It just won't stop channel hopping.
this is a serious question if you have sex with a hoker and dont pay is it shoplifting
Do you know the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke...
My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere... well whose fault is that?
Why was the Icelandic football player called into his manager's office? He had a cavity.
Why did the musician give his daughters the same name? So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"
Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights... It's going to be Excel Lent
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the  street in September people say "Wow is it Halloween already?"
Poker is like sex Not fun to watch if there are a lot of folds
My grandmother is an inspiration! At 84 years old she went to medical school. She's a cadaver.
I can't wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there's food at home when they ask for some..
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
African conservationists call for the ban on hunting hippopotamus to be lifted, citing environmental concerns. To me the whole thing seems so hippocritical.
I have an archaeology exam tomorrow And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way... My future's in ruins.
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
Have you seen www.tomatosauce.com? No I'll ketchup with it later.
Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? She was tired of raisin kids.
vote up cause im a criminal the rules for starting a thread im quoting "Beginning your title with "vote up if" is violation of intergalactic law."
sheep: "why do we all look the same?" other sheep: "it freaks me out tbh" another sheep: "i dont even know which one of us is me"
My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts, but there is no interest.
Then Satan said, "Let's convince everyone they need to go gluten free." And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.
My ex wife got a boob job with my alimony What a bust.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, but it's at least 6, because my basement is still dark!!
Bad news: none of the fireworks at the Trump rally misfired and killed me!
Two muffins are in an oven First muffin turns and says "damn it's hot in here" The second muffin says " holy sh!t, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal in the Olympics? She was so proud she had it bronzed.
Wore an orange suit for the first time today... I stand by my convictions.
why do hens have no tits? 'cause roosters got no hands
What does Marshawan Lynch use to keep himself calm before the big game? Marsh-Mellows
Why did the drunk guy call the sheep Legolas? Because it was a cloud
Did you know diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans
Little Jewish Boy A little jewish boy comes up to his father and asks for 40 dollars for a school field trip. His father looks down at him and says "30 dollars, what do you need 30 dollars for?"
Knock knock? 1 Who's there? 2 Allah 1 Allah who? 2 ALLAHU ACKBAR
I have a strange attraction to bananas. I don't know why, I just find it apeeling.
What is the difference between christianity and national socialism? In christianity, one guy died for all the others.
Can't speak for all women but generally I'll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.
Do your Dads know your straight? I am not homophobic, this is for all the 11 year olds on reddit.
Why did Sodium Chloride get arrested? Assault.
Waiter there is a maggot in my soup ! Don't worry sir he won't last long in there !
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn't really fit me anyway.
Joke my life
Michael Jackson had hoes on his dick when he was younger. But when he got older he had dicks on his hoes.
What instrument did the famous dog use to sign his autographs? a Shar-Pei :)
When a man wants to get a tan he goes under the Sun. When a cos wants to get a tan... ...He goes under the sin.
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
Dial 3 2 1 2 3 3 3 2 2 2 3 6 6 to get a beautiful rendition of "Mary had a Little Lamb"
Teacher: "Sam what is the outside of a  tree called?" Sam: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark Sam bark." Sam: "Bow wow wow!"
A girl was taking an exam in class.... when she rose her hand and said "This is making my hand sore. Can we do this orally?"
How did the toilet paper beat the asshole in the election? With a smear campaign.
What do you call a dog with lice in China? Full course dinner
Knock Knock Who's there ! Canon ! Canon who ? Canon open the door then ?
Some people say I'm a dreamer But my therapist calls them night terrors
They say we know more about the surface of Mars than we do about the bottom of the ocean which is still twice as much as I know about the second page of a Google Search
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home: 1. He talks to you. 2. He buys you a drink. 3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
What is a Catholic priest's dream second job? Warden at juvenile detention center.
What's the difference between a bum and a crust punk Patches ;D
A husband and wife are fighting. The wife says "You've got the smallest penis I've ever seen!" The husband shoots back "Then we're a perfect fit for each other, cause you're a shallow cunt!"
An often unfunny joke where the punchline comes first. What is a Jeopardy joke?
Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed? Son: I couldn't find a spider.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.
There once was a man from Gent. Had a dick so long it was bent. To save himself trouble He folded it double. And instead of cumming he went.
That awkward moment when you accept a compliment that wasn't meant for you.
It's a real shame Friday doesn't come as quick as I do
Saw this on a shirt Silence is golden: Duct tape is silver
"My fellow Americans, I have authorized action to degrade and destroy Adobe's ability to push updates to devices." [Cheering in streets]
How many more spills do you think parents in paper towel commercials can take before they just push one of those kids down the stairs?
My life will forever be divided into two segments: before I ever used a bidet, and the Age of Enlightenment.
What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common? They both barely cover an asshole.
10yr old sons joke: Why was "C" afraid of all the other letters ? They are all "Not-C's" !
How many wife's does a catholic priest allowed to have? Nun
What is the difference between walking a dog in America and China? The spelling.
A man walks up to a woman "We're going to have sex tonight" The man said. "Why?" replied the woman. "Because I'm stronger than you"
THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise
What's the best part of a race riot All of the free sports jerseys
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
Ladies, don't waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese. Apparently they have a "family" & a "wife" & I'm "ruining their dinner."
What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth.
Why doesn't Texas float away into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks.
How did the programmer celebrate his birthday? var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];
What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother? She learns her son is gay, but he's dating a doctor.
What ship breaks dangerous ice flows in the Arctic? The Titanic.
I just made up a joke. Knock knock... Who's there? A mister. A mister who? A mister rains down in Africa. ... works better if you say it out loud.
You know what's the biggest turn off for me? Consent.
There are two things I don't like about you Your chin.
Why don't amateur pornstars use big words? Because they're all laymen.
What did the Mexican say when his roof fell on him? Get off me Holmes!
Q)What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative? A) NapKin
How does Twitch (Streaming Site) Chat make money? Kappatalism!
What dog do other dogs tell their problems to?  A complaint Bernard!
Why don't Black people like to go on cruises? ... Because they're not falling for that one again.
At first I couldn't get used to all the plants in my living room... But I think I started growing into it.
How many X does it take to lightbulb? Karma?
Dear Apple, Sorry to hear that you're still figuring out how cell phones work.
What do you call a Communist Mexican? A Gaucho Marxist
Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth?  Fred: I don't know Sir. Teacher: Come on Fred it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?
"I'm soooo tired!" [lays down in bed] "I'm soooo comfortable!" Bladder: Sup bro
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in. "What is this? It tastes like hair," said one ungrateful child.
Q: How do you make any watch a stopwatch? A: Don't wind it.
Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.
What do straight guys and lesbians have in common? They both like girls
In what direction do five gay guys walk? One Direction
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear  ? Because they have electric 'eels !
Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, "What is that for?"
I'm even late for work when I work from home
Have you guys heard about that singer that does radical maneuvers while performing? Skate Perry
I wanted to make a joke about a bridge but I thought I might need to build the suspense first
THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise
A redditor walks into a bar... "All of our servers are busy right now. Try again later."
My British girlfriend was complaining about her period again I told her to stop being such a bloody cunt.
I got received an e-mail from my Buddhist friend... ...it was free from attachments.
What sort of an act do you do? I bend over backwards and pick up a handkerchief with my teeth. Anything else?  Then I bend over backwards and pick up my teeth.
My cross fit application was was rejected Bad form
What do you call pickled bread? Dill Dough
What's got 90 balls and screws old women? BINGO!
My love is like a candle... Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.
I'm not very good at building fences Sorry, I don't know where to put this post.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because your face is UUUUUUGLY!
What idiot called it a rattlesnake's warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My son told me a girl was yelling at him and he just sat there wondering what he did wrong. Imagine, at 9, being so ready for marriage.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Hungary's goalkeeper Gabor Kiraly's sweatpants are looking so sexy that you can go to second round with them.
what do you call 4 mexicans in a sinking boat? quatro cinqo ^im sorry
X is An Independent Variable That don't need no Y.
Hubs: You didn't do anything today did you? Me: I did the dishes. Hubs: There was only one. Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea 
Hey, remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? Good times!
The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away. I don't know what he's up to now.
Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast!
[movie theater] TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go.....to protect what he loves ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
you really have to admire brits who voted to leave They were so worried about immigrants ruining their economy than they preempted it by doing it themselves.
NASA's JUNO Probe finally reached Jupiter after ~5 year journey exactly halfway to its journey to Uranus.
What's the difference between golf and Lady Godiva? One is a hunt on a course.
Why did the dad make the joke? For the pun of it.
What do you call a laughing labradoodle? A snickerdoodle.
You know why half a joke isn't funny?
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb? Allah them. (I googled several varations and thus far I believe I am the originator)
50 cent is so bankrupt... that he might be livin' on the streets in a lil' biiit!
I said to my classmate, "You are at the top of the bell curve!" He responded, "I don't know what that means!"
Any ship can be a minesweeper once...
How to you call midget intercourse ? Microtransaction
What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish? Long time no sea.
Where do you get a drink on Excel? ....Formula bar
Why was 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
A small plane crashed into a cemetery... the forensics found no survivors. They have found 268 bodies by sunset. They will continue searching tomorrow morning...
Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
What did the aardvark say to Noah? What do you mean you only brought two ants!?
Where does dubious pasta come from? The spaghetto. I can't take all the credit, however: I heard the word from [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/xdp4k/the_gaydar/c5lnkep) guy
A sick Patient Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was *ahruaergtw*
What is Grammar? The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.
*donates body to science* Science: "I have a boyfriend"
I just caught an alien maturbating in my freezer. He looked up at me and said, "I cum in peas"
What's the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet on it.
Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I kid you not. -Condom wearers
How do depressed people lighten' up? They drink bleach.
Why did the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out.
Kid Rock now endorses Donald Trump "#Make America Up Jump the Boogie Again!!"
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage? Terrorists blow them selves up at camp on accident
What happened when hitler fell off his skateboard, and the wound got infected? He said "now I have to cleanse my germy knee"
Actors retweeting compliments is the modern day version of actors murdering hookers.
What's the difference between Feminism and Islam One is a woman led group that aims to beat the patriarchy. The other is a patriarchy that aims to beat women.
Ever hear about the worst international trade deal ever? It was tarifful...
What do Princess Di's coffin and a Queen Bee have in common? They're both filled with Royal Jelly.
I really identify with the trans movement... For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!
I figured out how to talk to girls Just walk up to them and press A.
Scientists discovered that gayness goes back to the Jurrassic Period, there were even gay dinosaurs.... the gay male dinosaur was the Humpasauras and the gay female dinosaur was the Lickalottapus
If Dracula was gay... ...he'd be a fruit bat.
Ray Rice should start his own line of elevator music. He could call it "Elevator Beats".
[landlord showing new tenant around] "No smoking allowed" "How about pets?" "That's fine" [dog walks in and lights up] "We'll take it"
I heard the fork was having an affair with the knife... Or is it too spoon to bring that up?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Actual Critic Armani blazer: 20k Gucci shoes: 15k Tag Heuer watch: 50k Friend meets you and says "Looking Idiot" - Priceless
why didn't the cannibal want to be late to dinner? Because he didn't want to get the cold shoulder.
The local pedophile claims he got a perfect score on his SAT back in the day. Said it was as easy as giving candy to a baby.
what's that lassie? "Bark" Timmy's in a well? "Bark" and he's jerkin it? "Bark" he's looking at what?! "Bark" dude I've heard enough
What do you call Hitler in the water? Adolfin. Stolen from /u/NightRedditor423
Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.
My friend is addicted to Time-Travelling But he reckons he can stop at any time.
What is a lesbians favorite day of the week? Tuesday
If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible... I'd probably still be in debt right now.
Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
How did Mary fall off the swing? She had no arms
I saw santa fucking my mom. To get back at him i decided to poison his cookies. Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
A man is making moonshine. But the machine isn't working. He goes to see his friend Gino. Gino looks at the machine and says "That's cause it's a still!"
Two cannibals are sitting around eating dinner. One begins to complain to the other, "You know, I really don't like my mother in law." "Then just eat the noodles."
Why doesn't money bring happiness? Because if you have a billion dollars, almost anyone will be a bitch.
Black Lives Matter. Of course they do. How else would we keep score?
I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.
I used to be in a band called The Prevention We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.
I went all around town looking for an optometrist's office when, at long last, I found one. It was a site for sore eyes.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he's black.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?
Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly? God I miss my 'Thirties'....
A Mexican plays uno, And steals all the green cards..
What goes up and never comes down in college your debt
In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block They have a fear of Eights
Life is like a box of chocolates It ends sooner for fat people.
There are two goldfishes in a bowl. There are two goldfishes in a fish bowl. One says to the other, "Trevor, why do the humans think us fish are stupid?" Trevor says, "Sorry, who are you again?"
Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.
Old joke, now with new offensive punchline. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. He had a heart attack while raping a 12 year old Jewish girl.
"If all your friends jumped" 'Yes' "But if they" 'Yes' "But" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Imagine if things had been reversed. We'd be eating Lou Gehrig candy bars and getting Babe Ruth's disease.
Did you hear about the shooting at the blind school? They never saw it coming.
Childbirth Around 0AD childbirth was fraught with danger, but luckily for Jesus he was born in a stable condition
Where does the midget pizza chef with epilepsy work? Little seizures
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?
Why does Beyonce say "to the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.
A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent. "I want a round trip ticket" says the man. "Where to?" asks the agent. "Right back to here."
What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow? a LepreKHAAAAAAN!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they can't climb the social ladder.
Definition of a Masochist... *Definition of a Masochist:* ***"Beat me! Beat me!"*** *Definition of a Sadist:* ***"No!"***
Why do soccer players not play in the rain? It makes their makeup run.
BREAKING NEWS Ne ws
What Roman dictator suffered from Epilepsy? Julius Seizure.
What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snow-woman? Snowballs.
Why do liberal courts don't work? Because they don't like to judge anyone.
I applied to Hogwarts the a few weeks back. Unfortunately, I didn't get accepted. Figured I could just Slytherin.
Why do Black people prefer big asses? Because they have a bigger machine to ride (   )
I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends! And five of them are black.
[day 1] hello, world [day 2] bit less wobbly today [day 7] making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho [day 26] turns out i'm a hippo
This father says to his son, "Stop playing with yourself you'll go blind." The son says, "I'm over here, dad."
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok? me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on! wife:9, you're in charge
What is a penguin? A swallow that kept eating after 6pm.
What hood was the Swedish cholo from? StockHOLMES!
How do gay people float? Flambuoyancy.
How do French girls hold their liquor? By the ears
Why did the French fry call the police? Because it was a(salt)ted.
It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...
I don't know how to spell Armaggedon But who cares - it's not the end of the world!
A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it's on his ring finger, he's married. If it's not, he's a guy who wears rings.
i bet today is the most confusing day in harlem!
Soviet Monopoly "Go to gulag! Go directly to gulag! Do not pass go, do not collect food stamps and vodkac
Why hasn't Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately? He's on tour.
Homeless girl I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat. The newspaper the next day reads: "Nut screws washers and bolts." Edit: Error in title: laundromat*.
Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole :(
Why are Jews so rich? They are always looking for prophets.
Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?  He didn't have the hare fare.
You should really eat more turnips. They're really healthy Turnip, for what?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.
What's a space pirate's favorite planet? mArrrs!
What was left after the explosion at a French cheese factory Des Brie
What is Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1
Think about something positive! What's the first thing that comes to your mind? My HIV test.
[God creating hairless cats] How about some foreskin with night vision.
"I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because...you know...rules.
Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread
What does the man say when he walks into the bar? "Can I please get a drink?"
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet 4yo: Me: ....... 4yo:......... Me : 4yo : but I don't have any other feet Me : fair enough --__--
Me to waitress: "Do you have frog legs?" Her response: "Yes.." Me: "Then hop on back to the kitchen and get me a steak"
Do you think you'd make a good sniper? [ ] Yes  [ ] No    
What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV? The Patriots
My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
I've got a problem with people who are into BDSM I just want to strangle them.
When bae starts to age... She turns beige.
Angry Stair Why was the stair frustrated and angry? It was tired of being stepped on by everyone!
Why do they put cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people they were slaves before they became drug dealers.
What is the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.
Doctor doctor my baby's swallowed a watch!  Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.
Baby, I hope you are an ISO file cuz I wanna mount you.
Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour!
"Pika pika pika!" [translated] "I'm sorry, children. Your father was stolen by a Pokemon trainer who has to beat a child named Gary."
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I was fired my first day on the job as a food vendor at the ballpark. A man ordered a corn dog from me. He was not pleased when I returned from the pet store 20 minutes later with his new husky.
My girlfriend was taking a survey online about "Which holiday describes your sex life?" She wasn't happy with me when I chimed in, "Day of the Dead."
Vice Presidents and Homicide Detectives have a similar job... ...They both work if someone dies
What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd? He called the piano tuna!
My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit". I don't know how I feel about this.
Shout out to people who don't know the opposite of in
"Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?" -Disney's Frozen I paused the movie to tweet this...
What is irony? Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.
What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day? Patty O'Furniture.
Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights. Just kidding, women redditors are cool.
After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
What do africans eat for breakfast? A bowl'a cereal
The painters I just got my house painted, and they gave me a bill that said $0. I asked them, "Why aren't you charging me for the paint?" They said, "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, "Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10."
They call me Moses. Cause I parted that Red Sea last night.
If you're wearing a cowboy outfit... Does that mean you're ranch dressing?
What body part do adults have two of and children have four of? Kidneys.
Here's one you might know... There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe he woke with a fright in the middle of the night to find that his dream had come true.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
What do you call a song being played 100 yards away that makes people pass out? Faint music.
How do you get a baby into a shoebox? A. With a blender. Q. How do you get a baby out of a shoebox? A. With a straw.
What was Bruce Lee's favorite hotel? HYATT!!!
Hey, you have something in your teeth! Person B: What? Person A: Plaque.
What's my rating from 1 to 10 for Harry Potter? Nine and three quarters.
David Hasselhoff just changed his name to "David Hoff" If anything, it's less of a hassel.
What did the stoned alpaca say to the other stoned alpaca? Alpaca 'nother bong
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Allergies.
One day a wife complained.. "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
What do you call a group of gay smart men that are all the same? Homogenius
What do you say to a black man in a suit? Will the defendant please rise?
Why is unemployment rising in Jamaica? Because they're jahbless!
What's the best part of divorce? Two Kwanzaas
If Trump wins the election.... I hope he leaves us for a younger, more attractive Eastern European Country after a year or two.
WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
What does a horny gay rooster say in the morning? "Any-cock'll-doooooo!"
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
"A Walk Among the Tombstones" could just as well be a TV serial... ... It has so many parts.
Why are suicide kits so hard to sell on Amazon? They never have positive reviews.
I was going to tell you a joke about homosexuals Butt fuck it.
A guy walks into a bar... and his alcoholism tears his family apart.
How did you find the weather at camp? It was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!
What did the red light say to the green light Don't look. I'm changing
Why do pornstars enjoy working as waitresses? Because they always get the tip
Can anyone explain this joke for me? I just don't get it, so it is either meant to be absurd/nonsensical or I am missing historical context: Q:What do you know about Damascus? A:It kills 99% of germs.
I sure hope they're wrong about 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on here with you guys.
I went to a Nautica outlet store They had sails on everything
Penguin Joke Two penguins are sitting on an ice float. One says,"It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other replies, "What makes you think I'm not?"
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty.
My dad's TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
My friends keep saying, "If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country!" But I think Carlos, Jose, and Alejandro are all talk.
Guess what... Chicken butt!
A boy bought some Tesco burgers from the canteen, The dinnerlady asked what he wanted on them. The boy replied: "I'll have 5 each way!"
What do you call the total pay from your jobs as a garbageman, a sewage plant worker, and a drug smuggler? Your gross income.
what are you getting your wife for her birthday? a sweater and a dildo... if she doesnt like the sweater, she can go fuck herself
What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!
If you didn't have a Lexus waiting under the tree for your lady, you're a piece of shit who doesn't know what love is.
What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet? A prosti-toot
My Butt giving the day off to employees on Thanksgiving.. **PSYCHE** Probably gonna take a huge dump instead.
Why aren't marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My son would've been 4 yo today Man 1: My son would've been 4 yo today Man 2: Oh, I'm sorry man. What happened? Man 1: I pulled out.
How do you make a plumber sad? You tell him that the princess is in another castle.
Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
Engineer Manager joke Why couldn't the Engineer Manager screw his wife? "Sorry I don't have the tools, I only supervise."
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy that can carry a dozen doughnuts and 2 cups of coffee.
Don't brag about anything you achieved before 1980. There were billions less people. It was way easier.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?? Because she had no arms.
After growing a beard for two months I decided to shave it off. I must be a man now, because boy did that put hair on my chest!
Colorblind people are wondering why everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey
What do you call a Mexican who can't find parking. Noe. E-or estacionar is park in Spanish.
A man asks, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God responded, "So you would love her." The man asks, "But God, why did you make her so dumb?" God replied, "So she would love you."
Kudos to therapists for resisting the natural urge to top other people's problems.
What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't walk around thinking he's Bono.
Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
One-liners for when you're leaving - example: "I'm going to make like a baby, and head out." I also use "Let's make like a chapped-ass, and split." What are some other good ones?
What did our parents do to kill time before the internet? I asked my 21 brothers and sisters and they had no clue either.
What is successful but always beat? Rihanna
Why do so many Muslim students take Intro to Engineering? They heard it was a great place to find 72 virgins.
What do you call tree porn? Entai.
Threw a surprise bukakee party for my girlfriend last night You should have seen her face.
How do you describe people who tell "I see dead people" jokes? They have a sixth sense of humor
How do you call a whores pubic hair? Public hair Ill show myself out..
Please don't share 9/11 jokes, I lost my dad on 9/11 He took over 2500 infidels with him
Statistics. Studies show that almost 213% of statistics are inaccurate.
Girlfriends are like grenades. If you put a ring on them they won't blow.
Pack of polos for sale still in the wrapper Mint condition Pack of polos for sale, still in the wrapper. Mint condition
I saw a photon go by... ...it seemed friendly, but it didn't wave.
Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase... ...so I could unzip your genes.
There are two kinds of numbers... Rational numbers and Woman numbers.
Why does Michael Jackson like 26 year Olds? Because there are twenty of them.
A man boards a plane. An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?" The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
I like my women like I like my third games in a series by Valve... I think they're gonna be great, but they never seem to come.
I love how you changed "Conclusions" to "Learnings" in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Virginity is like a car I kept mine until I was rear ended in a bad neighborhood
I'm more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say "uh-oh!" from another room.
What is the difference between Santa and the Jews? Santa goes down the chimney.
Helen Keller walks into a bar.... Then a chair, then a table.
How does a psychiatrist like his sausages? Freud
That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.
A magician was driving down a street... then suddenly he turned into a driveway.
What do you call a showoff Texan? *Austin*tatious.
A white American told me I shouldn't call myself "British" because brown people aren't native to Britain. A white American White. American.
What's the difference between a person with a forehead and a fivehead? A sixth sense
Did you know that Stevie Wonder has seven kids? He never sees them though.
Q: What do the Starship Enterprise and Toilet tissue have in common? A: They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.
A farmer asks the scarecrow if he likes his job "Well... this job isn't for everyone..." the scarecrow ponders, "but hey... it's in my jeans"
I just laid on my cat's keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
What do Jewish couples do when they hang out netflix and shill
What do you call a cappuccino from Dunkin Donuts? A crappucino.
Why don't women need to go to college? Because it doesn't take four years to learn how to make a sandwich.
*rolls out of bed* *rolls into other strategically placed bed* "Nice."
I heard someone proposed a Tupac movie. But it was shot down.
The difference between my "Maine lobster" and my "main lobster" is boiling water or a high five.
What's the difference between a Greyhound Station and a crab with big boobs? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight* *discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*
What do you call an attraction to your own mummy? A dedipus complex.
Why do you never see a pregnant plane? They always go to the hanger.
They say the human imagination is infinite. Try to imagine a new color.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus Lost my job as a bus driver.
What goes up slowly and comes down quickly  ? An elephant in a lift !
You don't really know someone until you get ridiculously drunk with them.
A gay couple decides to have some fun and play hide and seek... Jim: if you find me, I'll give you a blowjob! Mike: and if I don't find you? Jim: I'll be behind the couch.
Why did the disorganized suicide bomber's friends not like him? He was all over the place.
I was fired from my job in the pasta factory. I made a fusilli errors.
When answering a Craigslist ad, clarify the meaning of "XXX fun" up front or else you could end up playing Nintendo with a large woman.
Australians don't have sex... Australians mate.
joke of the day Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing. -
The Dark Knight Rises.....a porn title that requires no alterations.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.
I'm very popular at the gym. Girls always approach saying things like, "Hey, this is the women's locker room."
Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart..
Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor? He was feeling a bit Sikh
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But don't ask me how they got in there.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference
I'm so poor I can't even pay for my own consequences.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don't remember buying any of this stuff. Or having an Asian baby.
Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I'll go explain health care reform to the cat.
You can call John Lennon a genius all you want, but the simple fact is he married Yoko Ono. Thats a big strike against the genius part.
Today in 1949, Bruce Springsteen was born. He became "The Boss" after several years as "The Assistant Regional Manager."
If you haven't taken at least 25,000 pictures of your cat then you shouldn't have a cat.
So two fish are hanging out in a tank... So two fish are hanging out in a tank, when one turns to the other and says "Are you sure you known how to drive this thing?"
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.
Potheads must have been disappointed with Jurassic Park... 'Cause there's no grass.
Follow your dreams, into traffic.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: "Oh, bad move, I'd have done it this way..."
"Hey, my face is UP HERE and also OVER HERE" - woman in Picasso painting
What does an egg say to a pot of boiling water? It's gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
A guy asks his friend if he wants to join his piss club.. He replies: "Uuuhre sure?" to satisfy his friend. So, happy that he will join he says: "YOU'RE IN!"
If you play jazz backwards, you get slightly better jazz.
You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president... There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!
why Ed doesn't have a girlfriend? Cause sheeran.
My friend composes lyrics about sewing machines. She's a Singer songwriter.
How do you get a hippie to jump off a cliff? Tell them it will "cleanse toxins."
I lost my girlfriend recently. Then the topic moved away from science and she was fine again.
I really want to meet this Hardon Collider. Is he a new pornstar?
A pirate decided he wanted to retire He sold all his gold on eBay.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through something so small?
*flexing arms* I'd like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and- "Hammer?" Holy shit that's way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2
What's the opposite of Cristopher Walken... Cristopher reeve.
What type of weed does a reptile smoke? Mariiguana
I'm so patriotic I ejaculate red white and blue Minus the blue part. I should see a doctor.
Day 16,607: Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
A vaping vegan walks into a bar Just kidding they're incapable of doing anything remotely cool.
"Keep away from children to avoid suffocation" was the best advice I've ever received. You have to pay for that nowadays
A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem... The redhead says "why don't you give him head and shoulders." The blonde replies "how do you give shoulders?"
What's a politicians favorite kind of dance move? Poll dancing!
What'd the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me.
Wife, I am truly truly upset... I must take this out on your vagina.
What do you call an unfinished Tennis match? Wimble-not-don :D
Why were Helen Keller's hands purple... ... because she heard it through the grape vine.
why did the snowman smile? He saw the snowblower coming
Why was the Ancient Egyptian boy confused? His daddy was a mummy
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don't need it.
Jumping on a trampoline naked is an awesome way to see the past, present and future of your body.
Does eating fish makes you dumb? We know that eating fish is supposed to make us "smarter", but the only fishes we eat, are the ones "dumb" enough to get caught. It doesn't make sense.
TIL J. Cole robbed a bank and was never caught despite there being several witnesses When police sketch artists asked witnesses for a description of the robber they said he had no features.
Me: My son totaled another car. Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons? M: yes P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA!
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones. DMV WORKER: I'm not putting that on your license.
How do hobbit flowers grow? Through Frodo-synthesis.
Did y'all hear the one about the tortilla song? Don't have source, but now that I think about it, it may have been a rap
How do u find an old man in the dark? Its not that hard
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
What did the blue crab call his ex girlfriend? Old Bay
Q:What do you get when you cross a snake and a  kangaroo? A:('A jump rope')"
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
What is Mike Tyson's favorite song? Down With The Thickness.
It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Ever since I was young I felt like a boy trapped in a woman's body Then I was born.
What do you call someone who's got a horse for a mother and a fruit for a father? A Frenchman.
"Excuse me sir, are you really just a building in disguise?" *storefront sweats nervously* "N-n-no! I am human my name is Bill. Bill...Ding"
What is a vegetable's favorite martial art? He can't do martial art because he is paralyzed tip to toe.
This gave me a small chuckle this morn. knock knock -who's there rupert murdoch -rupert murdoch who? i don't know what you're talking about
Jam and Marmalade NSFW What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade? You can't Marmalade a cock up a girls arse
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick!!
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. :(
Huge bowls of cereal are the parentheses to my night's sleep.
I met this really hot chick at the club last night... She let me give her and handjob and everything.
Why did the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos made it to the finals? Because they want that **Super Bowl!**
On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said 'when are you due?' This is why we are here...
What do you call it when your having sex with a smart girl? Being in-genious
What's the leading cause of obesity in women? Wedding rings
Why do Chemists have so much debt? Because they have so much Antimony!
What do you call a belt made of paper? A waist of paper. *knee slap*
What do bunnies do when they get married? Go on a bunnymoon
When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."
While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.
Patient: I have a strawberry lodged in my anus. Doctor: I have some cream for that.
Hear about that 70s date rape band? Cosby Pills Smash and Run
I went through Walmart's self-checkout the other day And damn, the cashier was sexy.
An ear doctor gets a phone call from a patient and asks him to describe the symptoms. He says, "they're yellow, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair". [Source](http://m.imgur.com/gallery/3axkvOQ)
I drink every time I tell a bad joke. Hey, it's worth a shot.
Korean hot dogs [My wife came up with this joke] If hot dogs made from turkey are called turkey dogs... Then Koreans eat doggie dogs.
The past, present and future walk into a bar... It was tense.
Being autistic is a bit like being a photon... Getting from here to someplace else is instantaneous, but what happens in between is incomprehensible. (source: am autistic)
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.
I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry.
Hipsters only listen to songs like Surfin' Bird by the Trashmen You've probably never heard of it.
Saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" Standing underneath was a rather suspicious looking man holding a watch.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn't be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn't waste thousands of them in the '80s throwing them at Mario.
Satan's not all bad. He's an equal opportunity employer.
I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.
You know Toothpaste was invented in Alabama? Anywhere else and it would have been called Teethpaste!
What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways? He died on the cross!
First monster: I have a hunch. Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
Doctor doctor I'm so ugly. What can I do  about it? Hire yourself out for Halloween parties.
*rubs a lamp* Genie appears and asks for a wish "I don't wanna die virgin" *Genie grants immortality
Yo mama so fat... ...every year she win the Mrs. Hungary Pageant without even entering.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got behind in his orders
"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?" Well, Katy, I'm thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that's a pretty apt simile
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. Yes, I know this is a 30+ year old joke, but hope it gave some people a chuckle
You'd think that people who kept their head warm would tend to be healthier... but as it turns out, people who wear turbans are actually more likely to be Sikh
What do you call a crazy train A loco-motive
Want to read a great construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
Name's Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame's Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame's Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers. #
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Got a quick joke, that might be offensive to women. NSFW Q: Two tampoons drive right pass you. Which one stop to say "Hello?" A: Neither! They're both stuck up cunts.
What's the right age to tell your kids Canada isn't real?
Knock knock Come in Sorry 
Working title for the new Tyler Perry movie? Alex Crossdresser
How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke? He's looking over his shoulder
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how. Not right now, though. I'm waiting for my meth dealer to call.
You know it's not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you've ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.
How can you tell you are dealing with an extroverted engineer? He's staring at somebody else's shoes.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.
According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I'm guessing the other 48% have new ones?
Lots of road accidents are caused by bad weather It snow joke
What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? Call Baltimore, M.D.
I have no patience But that's mostly because I'm not a doctor.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was ,"Bach, Bach, Bach"
I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude.
[Drives date home] ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Oh, Obama's credit card was declined? Michelle must have called the bank and told them she was tired of her husband always "going Dutch."
Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips... ...but it's great for their calves.
"Is there really a fire? Prove it." -Mrs. Doubtfire
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cassie ! Cassie who ? Cassie the forest for the trees !
Today I learned that 48% of women in the U.S. are battered... and to think I've been eating mine plain for all these years.
Where do you hide an airport? IN PLANE SIGHT!
Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids: What did one lightbulb to say to the other? Watts up?
What is every bodybuilder's favorite city? Gainsboro.
All these mean jokes about the Boston Marathon Bombing ... are really crossing the line... too soon?
I had intimate contact with Jesus... ...in a Mexican jail cell.
How do you know when there's a rabbit in your  bed? You can smell the carrots on his breath.
Confucius says... Confucius says: Learn to masturbate, come in handy.
Whenever my mum tells me to budget wisely, I remind her that she spent 80 on a dog coat. And we don't even have a dog.
What did the paraplegic father say when his teenage daughter came out of the closet? I will not stand for this.
How many non-compliant Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Nein!
Dear NFL: Super Bowl. I'll just let them process this a little bit. They should do something by the time I'm up tomorrow.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant? I guess the eggplant came first! I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious
When I go to Victoria's Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they'll really look.
Why are Fiat cars named as such? Because they aren't really worth anything. Econ 101 humor.
I'm a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Did you hear the guy who wrote the Friends theme song committed suicide? No one told him life was gonna be this way.
I saw the funniest joke... Your life.
I was arrested for assault with a chicken. The cops suspected foul play.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
You have a life
Humour is what separates us from the animals. And the feminists.
Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating*
What do Dracula's girlfriend and Mike Tyson have in common? They both go down for the count!!
[clenching fists] "I'll fight someone" Waiter: For the last time sir, 'cheese plate' describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Apparently the most common surname In China is Chang. ...correct me if you think that's Wong.
There's only one thing I love more than bacon ...and I can't put pussy in my mashed potatoes.
Worrying does you no good. Or does it? What if it does? Can anyone confirm this? Maybe email me in case I have bad reception?!
What do women and Tony Stark have in common? They are both Fe Males.
What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely? An unfortu-naut... God that was horrible....
What type of vegetable is only kinda awesome? A radish
Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.
What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli.
Nicki Minaj is probably my favorite Dr. Seuss character.
"I haven't read an update about Karen's Farmville crops in a few days. I hope everything is OK." - no one, ever
What do you tell a black jew? Go sit at the back of the oven
"What is that, a banana? Aw, who gives a shit." -Disinterested George
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?  To keep his ankles warm.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the police as "Quiet and keeps to herself."
"Wow! Can you believe it's almost June already?!" YES DEB, I AM WHOLLY MYSTIFIED BY THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF TIME ON PLANET EARTH
Knock knock.. Come in!
Jealous and Funn It's not important to win it's important to make the other Guy loose.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING
What do the African nations Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Mozambique, Zambia, and Swaziland have in common? A lot of da Z's.
Why do the french hate League of Legends? They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering
Whenever I'm behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte
"Hey look, a cemetery" Dad: "People are just dyin' to get there."
It's not called "Laura the Explorer" because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Wife Missing My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus? Santa Claus goes *down* the chimney.
I love eBay! Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.
Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.
A guy walks into a bar wearing plastic wrap pants... The bartender says "Whoa there buddy, just turn around and leave - I can clearly see you're nuts!"
As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate. I too only run once every four years.
Reddit, you are just like my dad... No matter what I do, it will never be good enough for you.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
What is better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ!
"Love me or hate me, both are in my favor...If u love me, I'll always be in your heart...If u hate me, I'll always be in your mind" -Shakespeare
Saying "excape "makes me wanna stab you in the "exophagus".
Whenever I catch someone talking about me behind my back I tell them you discussed me
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake One blonde yells to the other "How do I get to the other side?!" The other blonde responds "You are on the other side!"
How did they name Canada? They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.
I was having sex with a hot girl yesterday and she kept yelling someone else's name. Do you know anybody by the name of "rape"?
What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.
instead of a fancy wedding cake how about get a cool expert karate guy to roundhouse kick cupcakes into everyone's mouths
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
What do you call data on a Pediatricians computer? Pedi-files
Why are you not able to boil water in a tauntaun? Because they're not real.
Serious question: can orphans watch PG movies? After all, they don't have parents...
Jesus came to me in a dream and asked me "do you know how much I love you?" "This much" he said and he spread his arms and died.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair
Why couldn't the NSA agent leave his house this Winter? He was Snowden.
"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!" He just said "That's a D, you idiot."
What is Godzilla's favorite fruit? Squash.
I entered ten puns into a pun contest. Guess how many won? No pun in ten did. /:
[BOOK CLUB] ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think? STEVE: PAUL: JANE: SARAH: MARK: DAVE:
Somewhere, there is a turf war going on... ...between skeletons and secret gays.
What do you call a group of fundamentalist mathematicians? Al-Gebra
I'm glad I haven't seen any German sausage jokes.. they are just the wurst!
My friend died at an orgy the other day and nobody knows why. It's a fucking mystery.
Over the weekend, the new "Godzilla" movie came out. I don't know how Godzilla doesn't hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Why couldnt the laptop see? Cause it was SoDIMM
*boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
If you sit beside me, you're part of my drumkit.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it's given me another reason to stare at their tits.
What do you call a good looking tractor? Attractor
The cow got very nervous when it saw beef As cow's career was at steak
Everyone is normal until you find their Twitter.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall... The one fish turns to the other and says, "Dam."
Me: Go to bed 5-year-old: One more question Me: Fine 5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter? Me 5: Me: Get some coffee
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Went to see the new " pixels " movie but The resolution was bad
Why do black people think about sex so much? Because there's pubes on their heads.
What do you call a kid with no arms and legs playing baseball? 2^nd base.
I met an award winning farmer yesterday He was out standing in his field.
There are straight women who turn lesbian when horny. I believe 'spaghetti' is the correct term. Straight untill wet.
The real reason reddit is so popular is... copy Paste clickbait
My life is just like Rihanna's new song. Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!
What's the difference between a feminist and a doormat? You might try and knock some mud off on the sidewalk before you step on the doormat.
The maple leafs are my favourite curling team Always sliding down the ice bumping into the walls and never hitting the bullseye.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with soccer So I said "On loan or permanent transfer?"
How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Suck it off
She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end Him: So do I
How do memes go to the proms? In a lmaosine
What's your favorite clock time? Personally, I'd say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months
I booked some Star Wars impersonators for my son's birthday, but I've just had a phone call saying that their people carrier's broken down. All I know is that they're in a Galaxy far, far away.
Why I don't like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
what do you get when one rapper eats another? FOOD CHAINZZZ!!
So, putting a "caution wet floor" sign down before delivering my best pick up line is frowned upon....
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? An ass that will bring a tear to your eye.
Did you hear about the impoverished farmers who drove from Oklahoma to California? They went on a Joad Trip.
If a baby horse swears at it's mother, would this be classed as foal language?
Did you hear about that poor gymnast's bank account? Her balance was outstanding.
Just because it's called make-up... doesn't mean it's supposed to makeup 99% of your face.
So then the otaku says... That's no body pillow. That's my wife!
What's the difference between a redneck and a gay man? A redneck marries his sister. A gay man marries a brotha.
When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.
me: how much per hour? babysitter: $15 me: okay here's $2.37 million see you in 18 years
What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
When Leo said, "To all my friends, you know who you are" he was talking about the bear
I never drop names but I frequently drop babies.
If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have sex with your mom. And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks.
conjunctivitis.com Now that's a sight for sore eyes.
What do you call a man with a kilt over his  head ? Scott !
Why does a chicken coop has two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan
What's the worst part about dating a Japanese girl? When you break up with her, you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
How many wiseguys does it take to change a lightbulb? Who's asking?
What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow? The W. Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me.
When birds fly in V formation why is one side longer than the other? They have more birds on that side. #scienceded
My best friend's a rocking chair... ...we go way back.
What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children A Swallocaust. I'm not proud of myself.
Wanna hear a Nirvana joke? Nevermind.
What does a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men usually miss all three.
What is blue and smells like red paint? blue paint
I got called "vein" and I'm just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.
I tried to do standup once They told me to sit back down
What's blue and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise.
So a guy walks into a bar with a gun. Angry he snarled, "Aight, who the hell boned my wife and mom?" The bartender shook his head and smiled, "You don't have enough bullets bud."
What's the square root of optimus prime? I'm not sure, but it's more than meets the eye.
What are some funny offensive jokes? Title
A wife said to her husband, "You fuck like you fix things around the house." "Expertly?" he asked. "No," she responded. "Half done so I have to call the neighbor over to finish the job."
I had tears in my eyes when my dad chopped up Onions I loved Onions. He was a great dog.
I just finished an exciting book on 19th century shipbuilding techniques... It was riveting.
Hello, you're through to Sea World Your call may be used for training Porpoises.
Hey, women that breastfeed in public... What's with you not winking back?
I'm going to start a charity for the clinically insane. Gonna call it "Fundamental"
Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? Because the grass tickles their nuts...
So I saw a truck called 'The Morse Deliverers' reversing yesterday, For some reason it just kept on saying 'S'
Pickup Lines Everyone says you're an Angel, but I think you're Medusa because whenever I stare into your eyes I turn rock hard. Do you like bad grades cause I can give you all the D's
Tell me your local jokes! Why does the Clyde run through Glasgow? Because if it walked, it'd get jumped!
"Dress for the job you want," they said. Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
What did the potato chip say to the battery? I'm Frito-Lay when you're Everyready.
What does the Sargeant of the Knowledge division always tell his troops to get? in formation
Girl, you are so sexy. . . [unsuitably sweet for work] that if my brain was in my penis, you would make my forehead sweat.
I went into a hotel.. I went into a hotel when a luggage boy came and said "I'm the 'beg'gar"
Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
My printer just woke from sleep mode with a huge toner.
Why did the man drowning in the Nile River think he wasn't going to die? Because he was in de-nile.
Why do T Rexes have such bad anger issues? Because their fathers never hugged them.
What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner? The cold shoulder
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
One Scot came back from work earlier then usual  and saw plumber's car in the front of the house. - Oh my God I hope it is her lover.
Why were the two Chinese scientists having trouble cloning a caucasian? Because two Wongs can't make a white.
What do you call a gay town in New Mexico? Albuqueerque.
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Two Guys Peeing off a bridge- One guy looks over at the other- "Man, This water is Cold! "Yeah...It's deep, Too-
What do you call Harrison Ford making a Venn diagram? Comparrison Ford!
A dog walks into a bar and orders several strong drinks. He appears to be sad. The bartender asks him, "Why are you ordering so many drinks?". The dog responds, "I've had a ruff day."
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Why didn't Johnny Depp get an Oscar nod for Black Mass? The nominee pool was Whitey-nough already
Sexist joke (insulting but funny) What do you call a woman who's lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced!
Who punishes Colorado underage smokers? COPD
Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... **Coughs up hairball** Dog: You gonna eat that?
How do black people get tans at the beach? They lay down on their backs and put their legs and arms toward the sky.
A girl once broke up with me... A girl once broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too much. It was a great releationship, but in the end it doesn't even matter.
What do you call a moari terrorist? Geeee, hard!
A group of prostitutes play WoW. I heard that they call themselves the whore'd.
Q: What goes up but doesn't come down? A: A kangaroo stuck in a tree.
Why Doesn't Humpty Dumpty Believe in Anything? Because he's an EGGnostic!
I figured out why prostitutes always look tired and haggard. Their job is a lot of fucking work.
What breaks when you give it to a toddler? Their hips.
Dentist: "You don't need to open your mouth any wider. When I pull your tooth I expect to stand outside."
Using my toes to pick something up makes it hard to go to church on Sunday.
Beating the drummer (again) What do you call the hot girl on a drummer's arm? A tattoo.
What do a horny guy and a bad driver have in common? They are both bad at pulling out.
Crap tonight is day lights savings and we loose an hour of sleep On the bright side we get an extra hour of light
I bought a parrot... And it could talk. But it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.
My dad got fired from Cal Trans for stealing... We couldn't believe it. But when we got home, we saw all of the signs.
Why don't ants go to church? Because they are insects.
I'm a wealth of knowledge Unless you want it to be true Then I'm pretty solid on about 6 topics 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
What do you call a group of Beavers? A hens nights
[Starbucks intercom] "Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."
What's the difference between Pink Floyd and Donald Trump Pink Floyd actually finished The Wall.
Do you think Michael J Fox....? Do you think Michael J Fox ever gets an answer out of an 8-Ball?
I wanted to ask "What's up with women" But that was too broad of a question.
Me: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Me: When you fell from a really high distance. Dating as an atheist is hard.
What did the Japanese buck say to the doe he was courting? [OC] I don't know how to put this but...I'm kind of a big deer.
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael. Happy St. Patrick's Day!
I like my coffee like I like my women Without pubic hair.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter. Everyone else: Lol, no.
Stop making fun of the fat girl Shes thick and tired of it.
How can you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
My dad installed new LED bulbs in his home. I started seeing him in a new light after that.
Worst things about mid 40's: 1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror. 2. Crying too hard to complete this list.
Did you hear about the black guy who was shot 15 times? The police said it was the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
I'm not saying my wife's a snob but even her colostomy bag is a Louis Vuitton.
Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don't have electricity: Priceless
What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican? Paypal
I have Facebook like reflexes. "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" *throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I asked my wife what women really want and she said "attentive lovers"... ...actually she might have said "A tent of lovers", I don't really listen to her needs and opinions.
"LOL what if our packaging was totally easy to tear open...unless you had a cut finger?" --Band-Aid makers, seriously, f those guys
I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the papers jammin' again.
If a horse's front legs are traveling at 200mph, what are it's back legs doing? Hauling ass.
I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.
We do apathetic derision better than any nation on earth. Probably. Can't be arsed to find out...and all statisticians are cunts.
How do you study for a prostate exam? By cramming.
A recruiter asked me if I wanted to be a hardcore developer I said sure, I've always wanted to work for PornHub
What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes? A 'pilot" you effing racist!!
Kobe Bryant's Wife filing for divorce. I bet somewhere right now Kim Kardashian is plotting..
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only half the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
What did the Italian say when the eel swam by? That's a Moray.
My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it.
I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest. [deleted]
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey Jose
What do you call promoting a broom to the highest rank in the military? A Sweeping Generalization.
A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."
"Blow me." -Soup.
When I was little, my uncle gave me a warning about anal sex... He said, "this is going to hurt a bit."
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well balanced meal.
Why is a great tune like great unprotected sex? The malady lingers on long after it's over ...
I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because their boobs are too big for b-shells.
I was at the ATM the other day and this old lady asked me to help her check her balance So I pushed her.
How did the blind man pass the eye exam? He just kept walking
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go? GF: not until u put on something less hideous TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
you'll know you're a grown-up when you keep fifteen unnecessary pillows on your bed
What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school? Preppy le Pew
Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls
I could tell you a rape joke But it would sound forced
Starbucks can't be racist. Almost every drink they serve is black or mixed.
Thanks phone, for being strong every time I dropped you.
When the female lead of Pirates of the Caribbean visits Japan... Do you think she has a Kirin nightly?
A doe runs out of the forest and says "That's the last time I do that for two bucks."
A cannibal's dillema: If God didn't want us to eat people why did he make them out of meat?
Why shouldn't Donald Trump take Viagra as President? Instead of Melania, he will try to f*** every Juan.
What did the apple tell the annoying orange? Citrus down.
At some point during texting, a text is sent that means: "This is the end of the conversation. I'm gonna do something interesting now."
Yo mama so fat, when she stands next to yo daddy they still in a long-distance relationship.
There are two types of people in the world... 1. People who are bad with lists.
What kind of phone does a molester have? the iTouch. ( lame but I made it up in class when I was like 15 lmfao)
A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot. It got toad.
I combined National Pancake Day with International Women's Day Took my wife to IHOP and ordered a stack of pancakes for myself, and 8/10ths of a stack for her.
Misleading title Bad punchline
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.
When I meet a celebrity I like to bring a ceiling fan with me so I can be all "Nice to meet you. Big fan".
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
All panties are edible if you're hungry enough.
How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? (None, they just beat the room for being black)
How do you greet a racist murderer? Good morning officer .
What did the gay deer say after leaving the bar? I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there!
[car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that
What's the difference between a scaffold and a magnet? A magnet only has two Poles.
I tell all the girls I chat to that I last ages in bed. It sounds better than telling them I'm on the dole, and don't get up until lunchtime.
Saying "oh my gosh you're getting so big!" is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I know many chemistry jokes... But im afraid they wont get a good reaction.
Q: Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food? A: Neither have they!
What gives you uncontrollable gas? Nazis
A guy's ego.
What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso hahaha fuck you all
I'm pretty sure that if Walt Disney watched Disney Channel today, he would cry.
Who envokes the most hatred out of male athletes? Caitlyn Jenner, because she's a far superior athlete to almost every man on the planet.
If I mess up at the beginning of a video game I just start over. This rule applies to life too. Used wrong exit on Fwy, calling it a day...
My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.
Driver " I'm very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver " said the friend to the old man. " oh, don't worry, I can drive "
How many Friend Zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
You know what's messed up to find at the bottom of a jar of mayonnaise? A condom. haha
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrodinger house is quite stressful.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"
Jew joke What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza? They don't scream when you put them in a oven!
What do you call a speeding vegetable? Michael Schumacher.
A boy goes into a stripclub... When he comes home, his mom asks him: "Son, did you see anything you aren't supposed to see there?" The son replies, "Ya, I saw dad."
Who was the nose's favorite Christian mystic? Nostrildamus
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I banged her.
What will be served at Trump's inagural dinner? Crackers.
What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common? Bad blood.
What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A sandyhook survivor. ....
Imagine a masonry wall... Now, picture just one piece of it... This, my friends, is a mental block.
eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of  alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
The 3 tragedies. The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1) Life sucks. 2) Job sucks. 3) Wife doesn't.
What are the two best arguments against democracy? Donald Trump &amp; Hillary Clinton
I told my girlfriend to apply for a job at the pet store 'cause she really knows how to handle a cock 'r two
I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... ...well, it was just collecting dust:).
What did the horse say when he regained his vision? Merci.
I've written a book about reverse psychology Please don't buy it.
It's hard to look like a badass when you're slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.
Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard. You won't get much help from those already there.
Raheem is a Pakistani orphan boy who has to walk 5 miles to reach his school.. but with your help of a few pennies a month..we can buy a whip and make the lazy bastard run.
So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?" I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"
What's an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, just down under.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
A blind man stands in a store whirling a dog around his head with the leash. A saleswoman asks "May I help you, sir?" "Nah, just looking around."
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because it was my first wank in a week
The door is not ajar. It's a door, silly!
The world has become so politically correct these days... ...that you can't say black paint anymore... You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my fence."
What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants? "Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"
Went to "The Social Network." I ran into people I didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids.
Why couldn't Hitler change a lightbulb? It was just out of his reich.
Why do people go to the gym again? Do they not know what a nap is?
Sometimes I think Scientology was secretly started by Mormons so they could have a religion to make fun of.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald's burgers! Hamburgler's Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Made in Thailand Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok? He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger. ~ Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok? It was a Thai.
What is Germany's favorite game? Mein Kampf
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Asian? A car thief who can't drive.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
What do you get from 3 girls from Arkansas? Damn near a whole set of teeth.
How are children like eggs? They both taste better after you beat them.
Whiteboards are just the best In fact, they're remarkable
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.
I'm white and I don't tell racist jokes because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
They should make a tabletop game about space marines saving for retirement Call it Warhammer 401k
What's the difference between PirateBay and 9/11? One is piracy and the other is CONSpiracy
A cabbage walks into a bar wearing a red leaf. The bartender takes one look at it and asks another patron how they feel about the cabbages bold new look. The patron replies, "I think it's ridic yo."
Reddit is like a whirlpool... Once it sucks you in you cannot escape.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me
Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease? Because the condition was untweetable.
Back in the good old days when... Men were men... and boys were men. and women were men...
This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet. So I took her to the library.
What did Hitler say when the barber shaved his head? Mine hair!!
What do beef hearts smell like? Honey.
Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card
I was walking in a chemistry lab. I tripped on some acid.
My uncle's wife... My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands. She was my vigilauntie.
At my age, a "stiffy" is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My ex-girlfriend tried joining the slut club... But all their positions were filled.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.
Energizer Bunny arrested! Charged with battery.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I think I'm indecisive... but I'm not really sure.
So I was having sex with a crazy girl. I was fucking insane ...
How do you starve a lazy person. You put the welfare check in his work boots.
Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish? It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
Your momma is so dumb jokes your momma is so dumb she sits on the tv and watches the couch
What's the worst part about being a redneck? Having to see your ex at family gatherings.
I bought a smart TV It doesn't show Trump
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his ass
Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*
No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*
What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Chinese person? Cha-Ching
How long does an owl live? Six and a half books.
The Pokemon Champs The pokemon shooters should've blocked the exits if they wanted to be successful, "gotta catch em all," remember!
You do not want to see me before I've had my coffee! And I don't want to see you after, so now what?
A member of the Army Corps of Engineers was working on the design of the bottom of an android "What exactly is going on?", I asked. He replied, "A Major engineering feet."
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
The five unwritten rules of life 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
How do you say "I'm sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day." in Korean?
Good friends are just like snowballs. They go away if you pee on them.
Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.
"WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!" Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Calling someone average is mean but I think they are the mean
I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs.
Sometimes I wake up Grumpy... other times I let her sleep.
I want to be a virgin all my life I want to set a good example for my kids
Old enough to know better, but still too drunk to care.
Favorite Doubles: 1. Scotch 2. Cheeseburgers 3. Bourbon 4. Entendres 5. Dipping
Obamacare.
me: i'm here for stabbing lessons clerk: sir this is a fencing clu me: yeah whatever hand me a knife clerk: ... me: dress me like a beekeeper
What's the trick to satisfying your wife or girlfriend with only 3.5 inches? Visa or Mastercard?
How did people know Patrick Stewart was crying? Because he bawled.
My girlfriend has a fire crotch. Or as it's scientifically known, "Chlamydia".
A man walks into a bar. *"Son-of-a-bitch!"*
Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake
One time I was checking out this really hot girl and she paid me for it because I was a grocery store cashier.
"You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder." "Look, I'm a lot of things--" "Are you a murderer?" [bites lower lip] "Little bit."
My parents thought I am their treasure They want to bury me to the ground
I hate when the definition of a word has other words that I have to look up also.
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[alternate reality] [dogs walking their humans on leashes] dog1: have u heard of upman? dog2: whats upman? dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
"Have you seen the film constipated?" "No?" "Has it come out yet?"
Why did the Ogre cry when he left the doctor's office? He was diagnosed with shrecktal cancer.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don't know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning!
Who is more enthusiastic about performing oral sex, fat men or skinny men? Fat men, they'll eat anything.
There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
I just had to fire my Korean housekeeper... ...She kept trying to wok the dog.
An American and a German were playing "Thumb War" "One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war." "Five, six, seven, eight, I use this hand to masturbate." "Einz, zwei, drei, so do I."
I wanna rock with you, but not all night. That's unrealistic.
Why do clumsy farmers make awesome DJ's? cause they're always dropping beets
When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.
I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe
This morning I had a 10 o'clock meeting and got there at 9:11. Too soon.
What did the grilled Seabass say at the Nuremberg trials? I was only following hors d'oeuvres.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a Skoda? Paul Walker wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don't they rotate enough while the car is moving? Mechanic: Omg you're right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
What's the difference between a blond and a washing machine? When you drop a load into a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week.
It doesn't matter if I go to church or the gym as long as I can act superior later, right?
Grab your taco, You've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.
Why did the snowman smile? ...because he saw the snowblower coming.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
National Survey Reports Pi day as America's Third-Most Underrated Holiday To me it's a little bit more than that.
Three positives Thursday afternoon in the office: Me: yay it's 1.45pm, Coworker: and it's Thursday, Me: three positives, Coworker: what's the third, Me: It's still cumming!
I crossed the road, walked into the bar and changed a lightbulb. It was at that moment I realised my life was a joke.
Mr. Salad asks Ms. Soup to go on a date. Ms. Soup accepts. "What should I wear?" Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."
What's black and white . . . What's black and white and loves kids? Michael Jackson
You know what Forest Gumps WiFi password is? 1Forest1
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cass ! Cass who ? Cass more flies with honey than vinegar !
What do you call a Muslim on a plane? Soon to be detained for flying home to his family in Houston after a business trip.
Cats act so cool all year long & then Christmas comes and they eat tinsel.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Did you hear the Miami Heat's new theme song? It's absolute fire
Girl anatomy jokes are not funny period.
How Long is a Chinaman
Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I cracked a beer at 9:11 this morning... Too soon?
If the angel Gabriel came from heaven how was he so sure that Mary was pregnant?
Help, my anus is trying to kill me!
Did you hear about the autistic guy that sat on his food at Fuddrucker's? Turns out he just had Aspergers.
Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week
How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb? Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
ATTN FILMMAKERS: Is it possible the future won't be colored a bleak greenish gray with constant rain, or are you really sure of this?
I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.
Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again Her: Sorry I didn't invite you. It was a small ceremony Me: Its ok. I'll go to your next one
Poor onions I cried when my Dad sliced Onions. I missed Onions. He was a good dog.
Why does all of Jared Fogle's music sound the same? Because he loves to abuse A Minor.
How do you make a space party? You planet.
Serial killer or nerd If a guy has a knife collection he's a serial killer if he has a sword collection he's just a nerd.
"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
How do you keep a moron in suspense for 24 hours? I'll post the answer tomorrow.
Where did L Ron Hubbard store his dishes? In the L Ron cupboard.
A wise chinese guy once said to me "if the dog barks, it's undercooked" - Some wise chinese guy
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Chuck Norris farted once. He did it in the Sahara forest.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?
What did one atom say to the other? Thank you for your help in this matter!
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say "you're okay, you're okay," they are definitely NOT okay.
What do you call a prostitude asking for a ride? A Hictchooker
Scientist have found out that birthdays are healthy. Scientists have discovered that people with more birthdays tend to live longer.
Why is it called Big Bang? Baby universe was born.
[first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone
Blind man walks into a bar... ...bartender asks if he likes his beer light or dark.
I'm so glad I married a big strong program like WinRAR He can open all of my .jars!
What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger.
Sex Is Like A Restaurant Sometimes You Get Good Service, Sometimes Bad Service, Sometimes No Service, And Sometimes You Have To Be Happy With Self-Service
So son, you want to win the science fair, eh? We can solve this with good ol' American know-how *drone strikes other projects* We win
What does a dog from Minnesota say? Woof da.
Breaking up with Asians is so hard. You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
How do you confuse a fish? You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!
Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.
A republican posts in /r/politics...
Why did the antelope go to her sisters house? She wanted to see her nephewlope
[looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"
angel: they seem to be doing well God: give them more diseases angel: is that really necess- God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I don't know why people call Donald Trump inexperienced He used to remove black families from their homes all the time.
I'm hoping someone puts razor blades in my daughter's Halloween candy this year because those things are ridiculously expensive.
Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? To get to the Dark Side.
What do you call 1000 Jews on a train? Whatever you like - They're not coming back.
A lady came up to me in the middle of the street asking for help So I gave her my AIDS
"What you just said reminds me of something completely different I want to talk about." - Everyone
Why did hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill. It was over nein thousand.
I don't care what the FBI says, America's most wanted still sounds like an honor.
A little Muslim girl tells her husband: "I want to be a feminist when I grow up." Husband says: "You can do one or the other, you can't do both."
Ear sex is dangerous... ...it fucks with your head
Have you seen www.hook.com? Yes it's already caught my eye.
Handjobs and blowjobs Handjobs from girls that speak sign language count as blowjobs.
How did the Neanderthal dad teach his son how to wear underwear? Color coded: "Yellow in front, brown in the back"
What do you call too many chickens on a farm? A cluster cluck.
what do you call a chav in a box? innit.
How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
I believe that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Why do cannibals never go hungry? Because they can make themselves dinner.
I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grraaaiinns
In Texas we pronounce it "nu-que-lur" I'm often harassed about how I pronounce nuclear but I think fair is fair. If Yankees can have silent letters I don't see how come we can't have invisible ones!
Google+ is not a "ghost town", because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.
Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.
What do you call a gay caveman with a Viagra prescription? Homo erectus.
There are two kinds of people in this world... People who can extrapolate on incomplete information....
I'm not a big fan of loud music I guess its just not my forte
After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I'm currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
There's 3 types of people in this world People who can count and people who can't count
How many..... How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side
It's Palm Sunday and we didn't drink the wine out of a coconut? I don't know why this church even has a suggestion box.
My Favorite Politician Quote (not sure if this belongs here but what the hell) "Madam, I may be drunk but you're ugly, and in the morning I'll be sober." - Winston Churchill
I spent an hour staring at the OJ container yesterday. It said "concentrate."
What do you call a gay herbal doctor? A homeosexual.
I buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.
Why can't the main character of Fallout 4 get a girlfriend? Because they're too young for him
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
How many dead hookers do you need to replace a lightbulb? Atleast not three since my basement is still dark.
Life is like a box of chocolates. My wife won't let me have any.
Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves? The lavatory, of course!
"I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?" ... *knocks on stall wall* "Hello? Can u hear me?" ... "I like your shoes...Hello?" ..
A farmer wins $30 million in a lottery A reporter asks him if he's going to retire and he says "No, I'm just going to keep farming until it's all gone."
What do some burger eaters have? A Hardee appetite!
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Went to take out money from the ATM and hit Espanol by accident.It replied, 'Nice try, you don't get paid until all the onions are chopped'.
HR: What are some of your strengths? Me: Shifting the blame HR: That's a horrible reply Me: No, your question was! HR: Wow, you're good!
What does a 500 pound parakeet say? "TWEET!!!" * [Source1](http://i.imgur.com/9HEfWT1.jpg) * [Source2](http://i.imgur.com/JR1VTA0.jpg)
Hedgehogs ... Why can't they learn to just share the hedge.
Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently... The steaks have never been higher.
My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologising.
Panties LUST : Tearing her panties off. Love : Sliding them down gently Marriage : Folding them regularly
What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start.
So Billy is watching a sexy car video where two cars are making out while loving it and eachother. His Mom says, "Are you WILLY to learn how to drive?"
What is a caterpillar scared of? A dogapillar
You can never really be alone... Except if you don't have a smart phone.
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Arnold Palmer: Mmm... its good... I just invented it.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".
Manufacturing Landmines I started manufacturing Landmines in my basement thinking that it'd be cheaper than buying them, but it still cost me an arm and a leg
Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith? It didn't quite work out. They could only get Foreigner
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Why do so many people in the South get married? Free shotgun
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
What is your greatest America joke? Everyone's got mexican, Jewish, and Islamic jokes. I wanna hear the one's bashing America.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the  Verizon kiosk.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don't have to make the delivery guy think he's being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Guardsman: "Lady Pao, the Reddit peasants are revolting!" Lady Pao: "Yes I agree, they're disgusting. Do you have a point?"
How do you get rid of a Reddit admin? Chooter
is actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
I had diarrhea and had some jalapeno sauce That came out badly
First rule of thumb: Thumbs shouldn't have rules. That just makes no fucking sense.
What's the most difficult thing about training a dog? Getting the peanut butter out of your pubic hair
What's the worst feeling when getting your prostate examined? Both of the doctor's hands on your shoulders.
If you don't know what introspection is... You need to take a long, hard look at yourself Ian Smith
What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
How did the elephant get out of the river? Wet
I left my girlfriend because her orgasms were too brief. I just could not accept her shortcomings.
If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan's national carrier is called "Royal Jordanian Airways" instead of "Air Jordan"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. He gave it to her.
What's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer testicals they're under a buck.
When auto correct changes your 'omg' to OMG, alright calm your tits i wasn't that shocked.
Hillary should make Bernie the ambassador to Japan. His knowledge of harpooning whales will definitely help bridge the cultural divide.
"No mom I DON'T HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 18. "No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 28.
What did the couch surfing, yoga junkie say when his friend asked him to leave? Namaste.
Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me". Wife: What did he say? Bob: You're fired
My brother's just opened a shop. Really? How's he doing? Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.
How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch* *winks*
Beer makes me feel invincible. Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer. *falls down*
Did you hear they finally caught the watch thief? It was only a matter of time!
My wife divorced me after years of daily penis enlargement surgeries. She couldn't take it any longer.
The KKK adopted a higway Jokes on them, it's black
US Forces have just liberated thousands of ISIS sex slaves... All the goats and other livestock are being moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their farmers.
I attended a very touching live demonstration on bukkake. There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.
How is medusa like weed? She makes people stoned.
When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.
Why do you have to be blunt to fat people? Because if you sugar coat it, they will eat that too
Your make-up application says "I failed Clown College".
Why are Native American strippers the best? When they dance they make it rain.
Did you hear the one about the gay man on the patch? Word is he's down to about four butts a day.
They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to the 6 million Jews. ~ Jimmy Carr.
My ex-girlfriend dropped this one on me a heavy box. She was trying to kill me.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
"i cnat believe this!" he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. "i would expect this from the others but not u" he says to 1 specific bee
Me: I hate all of the trash jokes in this sub. Friend: They're not trash, they're *recycle*.
How do you get a witch pregnant? Ya fuck her.
WHY couldnet anyone win at the Bangkok Olympics Because its always a THAI game.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE'S DINNER SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I'm doing interval training. It's just that the intervals are very far apart.
What's the best part of having a kid? The chewy center.
How do you tell the difference between a physicist and a plumber? Ask them to say the word 'unionized'.
I love how people always leave voicemails when I miss their calls. It's like they want to be ignored twice.
Two Vietnamese men decided to go into business together... It was a Nguyen-Nguyen proposition.
A tax collector dies and goes to heaven
What happened after the wheel was invented a revolution
Well hello, "Party-Size" bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My lesbian friend asked me how I view Lesbian Relationships Apparently, in HD wasn't an appropriate answer.
My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died She got beaten to death by a giant crab
A very wealthy man from Britain has purchased the Bates Motel.... Now it is Master Bates Motel.. I haven't had my coffee yet, this is the best I got
A man is chasing a talking emu... The Emu is taunting him, saying "you can't catch me! I can run at 80 km/h, you can only manage 20!" to which the the man replies "You can run but you can't fly!"
What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover? 100 meter Daesh
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?
What's it called when the bottom half of a fraction has loads of cake in it? A denom-nom-nominator!
What's the worst part of an NFL wedding? Getting knocked out by the Rice.
Why is chess confusing in Australia? "That's check, mate."
A husband says to his wife: "I hate to tell you this but your swimming costume is very tight and revealing." "Wear your own one then!"
-"What should we call our band?" -Ponies! -Dude, we're a heavy metal band. -Satanic ponies!
You know what the first sign of AIDS is, right? A severe pounding in the ass...
The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something...
Evolution: True science fiction.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don't worry; I yelled "I'm taken," and ran into the men's bathroom where she can't follow.
This may sound like a rape joke if you ask me Oh wait you don't have to.
Pix and Misc - Teacher win [pic]
A pen and a pencil race. Who won? The Pencil. He lead from start to finish.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Why did the cow win a Nobel Prize? Because he was out standing in his field.
It's hurts for me to say this... But I have a sore throat.
Why was the dolphin so upset with the attendance of his drunken kegger? It lacked porpoise.
If you roll out your chapstick more than an inch, I'll see you in court.
"we're broke? how is that possible?" (extremely high pitched voice) no idea "did you-" *opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
How does a virgin pop her cherry? by using a bottle opener
What is time consuming? Eating a watch. . . . . Note: This is not my joke, credit goes to /u/Cokenut, and /u/Fluffy8x for setting him up.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Knock knock. This may not be This may not be a funny joke.
Throwing Viagra in the milk so Santa has a hard time getting back up the chimney. Use a front door like everyone else asshole!
What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has? Baby kangaroos.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.
I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.
Got an IPad from my chinese friend... Nothing beats homemade gifts.
What's worse than dropping your ice cream? The Holocaust.
Did you hear Miley Cyrus got a new job? Coworkers say she has an excellent Twerk ethic
After sex last night... ...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had". Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.
You're either a dog person or a non person.
What's the worst part about being a pedophile? Getting the blood stains out of your clown costume.
I was disappointed after I won the grand prize on the game show last night. It was for a year supply of calendars.
What would an employee only entrance to a brothel be called in Westeros? A Hodor...
Why don't Mexicans have BBQs? Because the beans keep falling through the grill.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away.
My partner left me because of my pasta feeling fetish I'm feeling cannelloni right now...
What does an amoeba call its friend? Cell mate.
I hate having sex with my partner while we're camping... It's two fucking in tents.
Man comes running in the door at home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery" she asks "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" I don't care. Just get the fuck out.
I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8 Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
What do you call it when a stripper works for free? Pro boner
to my beautiful son i leave a wealth of valuable golden coins, sprinkled throughout super mario 3d world, redeemable for extra in-game lives
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Why did the terrorist's post make it to the front page of reddit? Because it blew up.
"Smoking breaks" at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don't see me leave a meeting to fry plantain
I was so happy to hear Apple added a new camera feature.. With the addition of panorama I can finally send dick pics to my ex wife!!
North Korea claims that they detonated an H Bomb Kim Jong-un? More like Kim Jong-**BOOM**
What happens when you are banned on a muslim server? you are turbanned
What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends? Hearing AIDS.
Feeling sick at work. Subway to the bus-$5 Bus to commuter lot-$2 Puking in my car-$0 Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless
I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.... ... So that they can let me down one last time.
Long, satanic walks on the beach.
in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
How did the explorer react when the which doctor turned him into a miniature ballsack? He was a little testie! Bump dump pshhh!
What is Harry Potters favorite way to get down a hill? Walking (punchline in comments)
What is God's favorite guitar chord? Gsus
You know what I love about people who buy followers? I can laugh at their expense.
*Gets 500 word angry text from ex *responds, you mad bro?
When you think about it , zombies are fixed humans . You just turn them off and on .
I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day
Amish girl Do you know why the amish girl was excommunicated? Two mennonite
What did the corn say when it was complemented? Aww, shucks!
My dad posted a picture of his "Condom challenge fail" It was a picture of me
Don't trust people that are constipated They're full of shit
Last night I met the girl of my dreams... Then I woke up.
You deserve a handjob from Edward Scissorhands.
Girls at parties are like parking spaces, if you're late all the good ones are gone, So when nobody's looking you stick it in the disabled one....
What do you call a train that eats too much? A chew-chew train
What game do monsters play with humans? Squash.
Why do blondes prefer the pill instead the condom? Because it's waaay easier to swallow
How do you get last place in the Rio jokes olympics. You tell a Rio bad joke.
I hate barbers more than doctors Because I have to live with the shit that one does.
Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I'm googling how to get paid without leaving my house
A fat man complained to a doctor that obesity runs in the family The doctor replied: It's not obesity that runs in the family, it's that no one runs in your family.
What is Trump's favorite disney movie? Wall-E
Every time a famous music composer dies... ... he starts decomposing.
"Girl, your rhinestone encrusted flip phone tricked me into thinking you were a princess!" - No one ever
Why was the cupcake so scared of the bong? Because the bong threatened to get him baked.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I could retire today and live happily for the rest of my life.... so long as I die by noon, thursday.
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Homophobia is God's way of teaching us the names of Republican governors.
Why did the Tour de France get raided? The police heard it was full of pedal-philes.
Man marries deaf girl He writes "we must work out a code: If I want sex I'll stroke ur left breast-U reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES OR 62 times for NO!
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I'm eating.
Now that it is 2015 we should all really be on the lookout for Marty Mcfly. If it is only to forewarn him to invest heavily in Parkinsons research on his return to 1985.
A sign in the Zoo: Please, do no throw bananas in the dolphins' pool! 1. The dolphins do not eat bananas. 2. By now 3 monkeys have drowned. Thanks for understanding.
Why are toilet tasks called ONE and TWO? Because TWO rhymes with POO
What's a Latino pornstar's favorite flavor profile? Umami. (Ooooooooh, mami.)
I feel like I second guess myself too much. But then again I'm not really sure.
Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
What is the sun's favourite kind of food? Sol food
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand? You can't gargle sand.
There should be an option on travel websites that let's you search for "flights that are least likely to have noisy children".
My New Year's Resolution 1080p
I don't need a panic room; I can panic perfectly fine anywhere.
Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel? It's for the Christmas period.
When that guy on the train woke up and stretched, I don't think he liked it when I scratched his head and said "Who's a big kitty?!"
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb  crap
What do you call Nitrogen after the sunrises? Daytrogen.
What did the Iraqi refugee say when he crossed the border? Iran!
Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
What, me? Lazy? Don't get me started.
New York: The city that never sleeps. Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday. Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Which art piece won the Texas Muhammad cartoon contest? Two chalk outlines.
Jesus Saves.... Moses invests.
Not all women are good at multi-tasking I just saw one trying to talk on her phone, while flying through her car windscreen.
I'll never understand why news reporters think they have to stand out in the rain or snow just to tell us it's raining or snowing.
I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Notice at Church: Don't leave your mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girlfriends unattended. Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.
I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
What do gay horses eat? Heeeeeyyyyyyy
What is the best way to get called a ,"genius?" ...by losing a billion dollars in business.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister's chin
How to tell if you are gay 1. Have sex with another man 2. If you enjoyed it, you're gay 3. If you didn't, you're still gay
I just saw the Kardashian sisters and now I feel more Christmassy. Ho Ho Ho.
[first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
Who's this Rorschach guy... And why does he paint so many penises?
I heard they were going to fine bad drivers $100 on the spot. That's bit sexist, isn't it?
Who's the opposite of Willem Dafoe? Willem DaFriend.
The toothbrush was probably invented in Arkensas Anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
Donald Trump says he went to the University of Pennsylvania, but I could have sworn he went to Syracuse. Because he sure is an Orange Man.
I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo.
If I had a dollar for every time an idea got shot down in the meeting because "We don't have the budget", I would finally have the money to execute that idea.
Why did the electric car finish the race early? It had a short circuit.
I would be so ashamed if I had a kid who didn't want to be famous.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Why did the lady stare at the orange juice? Because she thought it was telling her to concentrate!
Q: What do you call a snail on a ship? A: A snailor.
*adds lol to the end of a message to sound less mean*
What is a chemists favourite type of music? Heavy Metals.
Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic  place in a balloon house."
Is this your 1st video conference call? *Takes HUGE bong rip* *Holding it in* umm no So you're aware we can see you? *Cough* what *cough*
NASA's Scott Kelly is back on Earth after spending a year in space He found out how many states Trump won and left again
Thank you, Student Loan, for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
There's 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
/r/Jokes just surpassed /r/AskReddit in users! I lie...
Whats worse than eating 10 oysters out of your girlfriends vagina? Realising you only put 9 in
What's the difference between a Malaysia Airline flight and Internet Explorer? None. Eventually, both of them are gonna crash.
A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook. But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.
*knock knock* "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" *knock knock* *edit : thanks a lot for appreciating the stupidity
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.
What did the Marvel character say when he attained full control of his Android's CPU and Kernel? I am Root.
I am trisexual I'll tri sex with anyone
Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"... Me: "...How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
DYK Mozart never suffered from stress He always kept his composer.
Why did the Mexican guy rob a train? He had a loco motive.
I used to be in a band called 500Mb...... But we had to break up because we couldn't get a gig.
What's Black &amp; Rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
Do you like oranges? Well I am bad at colloquialisms! How you like them oranges?!?!
What did the dragonball z fan say when he wanted to go to the toilet? I need to goku the toilet
I once dated a mortician... it didn't work out because I'm not that much of a mourning person. Though she was a real head-turner.
How to get personal space If there's a lot of people, just yell "Allahu Akbar" for a rapid evacuation.
Why is it called almond milk? "Nut juice" wasnt very popular.
When I broke my back the doctor said I had to start sitting down to pee... Because I'm not allowed to lift anything over 25 pounds.
my son is only in 4th grade but he snap chats at a 7th grade level
A guy called out over the radio that someone spilled chips at work... Turns out they were Flooritos.
In which country are they refusing to use wi-fi and bluetooth? In wireland
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"
The Declaration of Independence was NOT written in Philadelphia. it was written in ink
I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Hi, I'm a high paid business consultant. I see you've named your business "Dale's Paint Supplies" but what if it was named "Best Dog Memes"
I don't hate you, but if you we're drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I really don't understand why people think mayweather is so great I'd much rather have June weather
Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop
Why did the meatball chef get fired from the middle school cafeteria? They caught him stroganoff.
Dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son? I don't know son, ask your grandfather...
If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee's to chest b!tch , knee's to chest!!!
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus station? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all!
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
A duck walks into rehab "What're you here for?" asks the desk lady. "I'm addicted to quack."
If the opposite of "pro" is "con"... Then what's the opposite of "progress?"
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"... But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.
I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week I'm a student loan collector
What is the most popular social media form at Hogwarts? SnapeChat
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Bartender: "Why the long face ?"
knock knock... "knock,knock" "who is there?" "KGB" "KGB who?" (you slap a person across the face)"we ask the questions around here"
Strap-on backwards spells No-parts.
The best thing about going on a first date to the petting zoo is that if she doesn't put out there are still plenty of options.
Two word joke Dwarf shortage
She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P
What was Hitler's favorite letter? Not z!
Did you hear about the gay german? Apparently he Adolf Hitler.
What's E.T short for? He's got little legs
Did you know there is a Virus that turns fruits into vegetables? It's called AIDS.
You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans That's crossing the border!
Biography of a voyeur He came, he saw, he came
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone's gotta have multiple.
In light of MLK day... African american culture has fought so hard not to have to sit at the back of the bus. But they still do anyway.
What's ISIS's favourite song? Niggas in Paris
Did you know that in any given group, only 9/10 of people understand basic math? The other 3% doesn't.
If I had to describe myself in one word... It would be, "Unable to follow instructions."
What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook. Wait
Did you hear the Joke they don't tell retards... No, Oh my bad.
Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive
What do you call a Vietcong that's been hit by napalm? Charlie Brown
When I was in 3rd grade my teacher smoking in the classroom told us not to tell well I'm telling you now
How do you know a black guy's been at your computer? It's not there.
Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures; they only use pubic transportation.
OC that I came up with whilst daydreaming: Why is there no sofa in the forbidden kingdom? ... because Mao is more of a chair man!
OMG! It's colder than a pimps heart out here!
Canada's navy
Why are most reactionists black? Because stealing is the only thing they can do.
Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying "The court room sketch artist is so hunky."
I used to have a friend who practiced acupuncture.
Why do lesbians like radishes? Because they like to get their daikon.
The first step of any project is to grossly underestimate its complexity and difficulty.
What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog
What do gay men and ambulances have in common Both get loaded from the rear and go woop-woop!
A flying pig defecated on me today. I shit you not.
At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.
My friend gave me a free dvd... but it's only Chinatown.
A black man and a mexican are in a car. Who is driving? The police officer
Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.
What do you get if you cross history and a cow? A moo-suem.
A man only wearing saran wrap pants... Walks into his doctors office. The doctor says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
What is a gay jew's favourite bank? Goldman Sach's
After his failed Presidential run, Bernie Sanders decides to write a book and finally endorses Hillary Clinton. The Clinton Foundation bought 10 million copies in advance.
A joke I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I'm not racist, but... &gt;[deleted]
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last hit was the wall.
All of the other reindeer were secretly watching red-nose-on-regular-nose porn.
What's the difference between a duck? One of it's legs is both the same.
'Appearances can be deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I've cracked open a snail.
Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can't Believe It's Not 1860.
Grammar Nazis see things only two ways The Reich way or the wrong way
A photon checks into a motel the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room." The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"
I have a Step-Ladder... I never knew my real ladder tho. :\
I can always tell by their eyes if someone is a primary school teacher They have small pupils.....
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
The worst thing about being deaf is... when I masturbate, I can't hear anybody come in my room. *Not even myself.*
What does an elephant say, looking at a naked man ? You can't breathe from it
Malaysia has some of the world's best magicians They make entire planes disappear.
why is the bass player stuck outside? he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway
Once you go black... ...you're a single mother
I told my wife not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything. WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter. ME: I know. *carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans] Why doesn't he simply mount her with no apparent warning?
Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle? No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.
two lesbians Lesbian 1: "Hey! I finally found your dido!" Lesbian 2: "Great! I knew you had it in you!"
Man in fatigues w SONY written on his forehead has handcuffed me&my sons to radiator & is forcing us to watch 8th Spider-Man reboot in 3 yrs
Money doesn't grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
Massive explosion at a French cheese factory, first responders say cause is still unknown. All that was left was de brie.
What do you call a skeleton who just had anesthesia? A numbskull
What does a black person get after sex...??? A life sentence.
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? Genocide
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying... But apparently a bad way to tell your kid they're adopted.
I'm at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe*** * 3 cats ** can opener *** catfood can
TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's. Apparently they opposed integration.
Hello. It's me. I was wondering if after all this time you still had all the money you owe me.
I just realized that my sex life is like my movie habits. I stick it in, lean back, and fall asleep halfway through.
Mickey Mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!" Doctor: Which knee? Mickey: Disney
Sometimes I think we're all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
What is her Majesty the Queen's console of choice? The Royal Wii.
What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass? Donald Trump's tie.
God is cruel God said that good lil wayne songs could be found in all corners of the Earth. Then he made the Earth round and laughed.
What do black people get after death? Nigger Mortis
Einstein made a theory about space, And it was about time, too!
What's the difference between an amusement park and a pedophile? A pedophile doesn't have a height limit
What do you call a Kryptonian who loves popcorn? Kern-el
My wife was gang raped, impregnated and gave birth to a baby boy named Muhammed. Now they want to kill us for depicting the Prophet Muhammad.
Perfect pitch is... ...when you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a banjo.
Boy born with no eyelids! The Dr. used the foreskin from the circumcision. Now the boy is cockeyed
Why did the hen win a Wild West duel between it and a Peacock? Hen shot first.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Some obscure number you probably never heard of.
A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand The monk says, "Make me one with everything."
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman? Wait, I can explain everything!
Have you ever imagined a world with no  hypothetical situations?
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP -Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks. ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
Whenever I confront the messy baker I'm always walking on eggshells.
What did one cop say to the other cop while investigating a crime scene at a farm? A rooster!
Why are Jews so good at making action movies? Shlo-mo.
Broke up with my blind girlfriend She didn't see it coming
is this already a joke? Why don't pastry chefs buy taylor made cigarettes? Because they profiterole their own
What did one bunny say to the other bunny? "There's a sale on at the carrot store!"
The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen
TIL That I Shouldn't have gone to law school, because everyone in /r/news already has their law degree
What did the RAM stick say to the politician? I'm PC2!
what do you call a play about victorian era menstruation? A period piece!
Calculus should be taught in every high school around the world. It is such an integral field of math.